The Joe Rogan Experience - #1355 - Mark Normand

Episode Date: September 20, 2019

Mark Normand is a stand-up comedian and actor. Check out his podcast "Tuesdays with Stories!" with co-host Joe List on Spotify.

Pendulet said that. Pendulet told you that it's fort, not forte? Yeah, and he's, you know, I don't fuck with him. He's a well-read man. Oh, yeah. He's, uh, he was just on. Oh, yeah. He's an interesting cat. Is that true? Is he correct, Jamie?

There's a little thing over the E, right? He gives two pronunciations for it. One is forte, like, yeah. Well, that's like the word literally. You know, the term literally has, we've actually changed the meaning because so many people used it wrong. Okay, for... word literally you know the the term literally has we've actually changed the meaning because so many people used it wrong okay for forte with the a right there to uh-huh i don't know and then well the a is first and then pronounce that so there's two different ones

but it might be like selfie how it just creates itself over a while. Yeah. The thing that someone excels at, small talk was not his fort A or fort. Well, maybe fort was original and then someone kept fucking it up, like turmeric. Yeah, turmeric. Yeah. We were just talking about how turmeric has an R in there.

It's T-U-R, which I didn't know at all until Laird Hamilton put his coffee machine in there. It's T-U-R. Which I didn't know at all until Laird Hamilton put his coffee machine in here. Did you just turn the volume down? Oh, sorry. Is that my mic? My cans are a little hot. I'll turn it down.

Is that better? Yeah. I get crazy ears. Pat Carney likes to hear himself loud when he talks shit. He's got some hearing problems. He's a drummer. Oh, yeah. Rock star.

Rock star, drummer. All those guys go deaf, right? Yeah. Or they have issues. Well, that's the dude from ACDC, the lead singer. He can't sing anymore, right? Because his ears are just shot. That's awful, man.

Yeah. Every song sounds the same. They're the best. I don't know about the best. Come on, bro. I mean, I like them. The fucking best. I don't know about the best. Come on, bro. I mean, I like them. They're fucking best. I don't know about the best.

Well, they are an iconic band. I'll give you that. I like their songs. There's certain songs. I'm on the highway to hell. Yeah, they're great road trip, video game songs, but I feel like they kind of bleed together. A little bit. There's a sound.

They have an ACDC sound, for sure. Sure. Oh, yeah. It's all one sound. Yeah. But, you know. But back to turmeric. Can I say that, you know how, like, the Middle East, there's not a lot of funny people out there?

That's not a big part of their culture is comedy in the Middle East. And Seinfeld thinks it's because we have a love of language. He thinks that's why Americans and British people are really funny. Because we think about the words. Hmm. I don't think they're... Same with German. Not a lot of German ha-ha.

You know what I mean? We had a German comic that was big in Germany that came to the store and was here for a couple of years. Did he suck? He didn't suck, but it was all physical. Exactly. In Germany, he's huge, but it was all like slipping on stage and pratfalls. Yeah, come on. We can do better than that.

We got words. The words are the interesting part, what you say, the writing. You know what's a thing that people don't consider? Those pratfall guys are always in pain. They're always hurt. That's true. Well, so are we, mentally. Yeah, but in a physical way.

I think I was always wondering about Chevy Chase. Because you know Chevy Chase is supposed to be kind of grumpy? Yeah, I've heard that. Yeah. I've heard he's a dick. I've heard he gets real grumpy. And I wonder if the dude is just in constant pain. Because you know, remember how many times he used to fall down? Like fell down all the time on saturday night live did he yeah yeah yeah and

fletch the the the detective movie yeah yeah he pratfalled all the time like wicked hard falls where it was clearly him wow i didn't know he was a fall guy you know buster keaton he's like so underrated he broke his back and didn't realize it, and the doctor was like, so when did you break your back? He's got that crazy story. Like that guy fell all day long. I think it was his neck, in fact. Was it neck? Was it neck?

Someone just brought this up on the show, didn't they, Jamie? Didn't somebody just talk about that? It was just a few episodes ago, I believe. Oh, maybe. But he's like not really brought up a lot. He's fucking crazy how ballsy he was and how innovative he was. He would do stuff like he would draw,

I remember one of his gags, he would paint on a wall a hook and then hang his hat on it. Yeah, this is yours. Brilliant. Who brought it up, Jamie? Was it Penn? Might have been Penn. Might have been him or maybe Gaffigan. Look at that, I mean, it's all bits. That's clever shit this is like amazing 19 what 24 yeah i mean that just right there was amazing yeah jumping through

that person and i mean you could do this all day it's all clever and it's all redone a million times but he did it first wow and there was no one before him right so no no guidebook yeah and everything ends in a punch at all that always pays off there's no weak ones and he just sometimes he would just try it and i heard an interview with him and he was like yeah i would just go for it and sometimes you would be in midair and you'd think of another thing and then you do that before you hit the ground i mean brilliant guy check him out if you don't know him and he's right now we're watching a video with him running over the top of a train he's clearly really doing it yeah he's really doing he's gonna do some with that hook there it is wait for it wait for it and then come on wow the water is what broke his neck

no that's right is that right that's what the video yeah that he underestimated the force of the water coming out of it because like think about how much weight there is behind that water. I mean, it's like waterfalls. Yeah. Like, if you jumped off of the Niagara Falls and hit the bottom, what would kill you? I mean, it might just be the force of the water hitting you against the rocks. Right, right. Because I think that's what happened with him.

Like, he got hit so hard. I believe it was Penn. It might have been. I can double check. Yeah. But whoever it was. Well, they double check but yeah but whoever it was well that they they were just explaining there was the weight of the water he underestimated that kind of kills the whole fucking in the waterfall scenes in every movie dude it does that would ruin it

you get pummeled imagine like you're headed up there and it's your idea and she slips and bashes her brains out against the rocks just because it was your stupid idea. She's like, let's just do it right here. Right. No, let's go to the waterfall. And you're so stupid. You don't understand how much force is coming down. Yeah.

Yeah, that was a hot scene in Cocktail. Was it? Oh, yeah. Elizabeth Shue, they fuck in the Jamaican waterfall. I'm a big, I had no cable as a a kid so we would just watch everything that came on do you remember that movie with elizabeth shue and nicholas cage where he leaves las vegas yeah of course and gets a boner at the very end of course what that's a good drunk guy thing i mean those random drunk boners we've all been there. Here it is. Cocktail scene. There it is. Waterfall.

This is my whole childhood. Just these weird 80s movies on VHS. They were weird. Somebody raised a good point about how we have so many options. I'm dating a lady who's a little younger than me. She's about 14. And she's always like, I'll bring up a movie like Ghostbusters.

She's like, never seen it. Godfather, never seen it. I'm like, don't you care? Don't you want to see that she's like i've never seen it that was born it came up for my time and i'm like yeah but i know about the 70s and the 60s why do i know about that i know about the fit i know about buster keaton why don't younger people now they only go forward they don't go back at all have you noticed that yeah i think they're inundated with too much stuff i guess so think about it they got hulu have you noticed that yeah i think they're inundated with too much stuff i guess so think about it they got hulu they got amazon they got netflix they're streaming things constantly they're doing tiktok and instagram and everybody's checking social media

to force a kid to sit down and watch you know national lampoon's family vacation good luck i know but it's good it's great it's great I don't think they do that as much Yeah I think a lot of kids are playing video games Sure And they're streaming things And YouTube Yeah

Is giant for them It's fast Giant You can never suck it all up But here's the Here's the clinker is They're missing out on a lot I watched The Office with her

And she's missing references To a fucking Indiana Jones joke And I'm like You like this show but You know That's interesting You missed that joke I watched The Office with her, and she's missing references to a fucking Indiana Jones joke. And I'm like, you like this show, but, you know, you missed that joke. And then I got to explain it to her, and she's like, who's that? I'm like, it's Harrison Ford. He was this. He was an archaeologist.

She's like, archaeology? That sounds terrible. I'm like, no, it was fun. My nine-year-old watches these little videos on YouTube where they blend things. These kids get together, and they're silly, and they're laughing. It's so dumb YouTube where they blend things. These kids get together, they're silly and they're laughing. It's so dumb. And they blend things. But it's dumb because I'm 52.

Right. If I was nine, it would be awesome. For her, it's awesome. She's really enjoying it. She's laughing. It's not fake laughing. She watches them whether or not you tell her to or not. She's interested in it. Like in a blender?

Yeah, they just throw food in a blender and try to drink it. Wow. It was so dumb. That's it? It's so dumb. And they're being silly and things slip out of their hands and then they show a slow-mo of the things slipping out of their hand. It is inane.

It's just made for nine-year-olds by people who are like odd and 18 and 19. And I bet it's got millions of views. Millions of views. You can't predict. I'm trying to write the best joke ever, put this video out, this is the funniest video. Nobody cares. And then you fart on a taco salad and that goes viral. Well, do you know the makeup artist drama that took place on YouTube?

Do you know about all that? No. I got roped into that too because of my kids. That's good though. You're seeing new shit Yes There's this young Homosexual fellow

Who has makeup tutorials And he got into Some sort of a public scrap With his mentor James? Yes Something? I did hear about this

Yeah yeah yeah This guy Wow he's good Look the videos Are fucking entertaining It's quite hilarious. And he got in a scrap with that person, right? Yes.

And, you know, it was a lot of terrible things were said. But it was, I had, you know, I'm like, what is happening here? So I'm like, what does he do? He does makeup tutorials and I'm watching his makeup tutorials. They're oddly entertaining. Yeah. Well, if it's impressive, anything is good. But the thing is like networks missed sloppy but entertaining.

They missed that. Everything was done well. Everything ended with a laugh track. Right. They missed there's a whole avenue. Good call. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Well, look at me. I'm on the fucking Fallon I'm wearing a suit I don't wear a suit But they make you wear one Yeah, they make you wear one They take the gritty off of everything And the gritty's the good

Well, you is the good The who you really are Who you really are Who you really are Yeah When you want someone to conform At least aesthetically To who you'd like them to be

Like, what are we doing here? It's all shit Let the guy wear a fucking t-shirt who gives a shit right why does it matter we should have learned that when remember when you were kidding bloopers came on it was the fucking greatest thing ever yes yes but we went out of their bloopers what are you gonna do but that was that was we should have held on to that we should have gone towards the bloop well america's funniest home videos was the original youtube that's right right kicked in the balls by a shetland pony i mean that

was that was it yeah that's that's what everybody realized they wanted to see people get kicked by animals the way they run the show now you submit a youtube link to them and they just take it from youtube and put it on the show it's still on tv but it's on tv but it's youtube clips yeah that's hilarious they just gave up they tapped out they gave YouTube clips. That's hilarious. They just gave up. They tapped out. They gave in to their maker. That's hilarious. They tapped. Remember, that was Danny Tanner, who was a dirty comic. Or not Danny, Bob Saget, sorry.

Yeah, but that's his stage name, right? That was his name in the show. That was his full house name. The full house name. Yeah. Saget was a dirty comic. Yeah, filthy. Still is.

I mean, he is now. But I think he probably had to take some time off while he was doing the show, right? He didn't do any specials or anything. Remember America's Funniest People? What was the difference? Oh, yeah. It's a spinoff. They needed more time slots to dominate.

Yeah, they were probably getting tons and tons of tapes. They had to put them on another show. They have animal ones, too, right? The difference is that's why they can't compete with YouTube. Because YouTube chose nine-year-old girls getting launched into the air by bison in Yellowstone Park. Like, really getting launched. Yeah. And you're like, holy fuck.

Yeah, it's the TV unclean version. It's a guy getting hit by a car or, you know, knife wound fist fight. You can watch all sorts of, cartel shootouts on youtube on youtube but yeah you can't say you know some weird right wing joke isn't that funny how it's the words we're all about now like that's what i never got about like if i do a pedophilia joke everybody's up my ass but we'll all get around the campfire to watch the michael jackson doc yeah like that happened he's he's splitting your ass. He's talking about splitting a kid's ass cheek apart.

Everybody's like, this is crazy. But the joke that some comic tells bothers people. I find that odd. Well, I think both those things bother people, for sure. I mean, the reason why the documentary was made was because people were bothered by it. I know, but they're excited to watch. It's like a cultural phenomenon. We're like, this is going to be a big, big show tonight.

Well, it's the popcorn. We know something was really wrong with Michael Jackson. You know? Yeah. Something was really wrong. There was never anybody quite like him that was from a tiny little boy. Like, how old was Elvis when he got famous? Probably like 20 or something, right?

Yeah, maybe later. How old was Elvis when he got famous? Probably like 20 or something, right? Yeah, maybe later. And that was probably the biggest thing that had ever happened in pop music before Michael Jackson. But Michael Jackson was the first that we ever saw that was a baby. When he was on ABC, it's easy as one, two. He was a little kid. He was dancing around with his beautiful afro.

And then we watched him become a grown man, one of the biggest superstars in the world, and we watched him go insane. Sure. Anybody who got that much plastic surgery, you know they're insane. You know something's really wrong. Yeah. So we all knew it. So when the sex accusations, the pedophilia accusations happen, of course everyone's going to want to tune in it's not like you know it's it's an a human oddity as much as it is celebrity gossip agreed but what is it about jokes that

really bother people more than a movie you know you could have a movie rape but about a joke you could really graphically show the rape yeah everything the whole thing's acted out in a movie and then you always hear these actresses later like, it was pretty appalling, I had to like cry in the trailer after and all that. And we're like, alright, you won an Oscar. But this guy in a nightclub talked about this rape. He's evil.

I don't know. I'm not I don't tell, I'm not a big rape joke guy. I'm just saying like, it's weird. There's something about jokes that really crawls up people's sphincter and pisses them off. Because one of the things is it sounds like you're just talking, right? If you got a movie, and in the movie you play some serial killer, and they prepared the scene for you, you're ready, you're wearing the clothes they told you to wear you're doing the lines in the script we all know we all agree this is a dramatic interpretation i don't know what you're doing when

you're doing stand-up some people are just being doing satire right like some people are pretending to be racist to pretending to be a republican asshole right but they're it's just a character we've there's a bunch of guys who do stuff like that or some people are you know some people are sarcastic some people are like jessalynick they say the worst shit and it's always hilarious i love him i love him too and what he's doing is he's he's that's not who he is these are great jokes yeah you know these he's not really lighting the maternity ward on fire it's just the name of his special right it's like so there's a bunch of different kinds of and then there's other people that just fucking tell the truth man there's other people when they'll talk about all the weird shit in their personal life they'll talk about anything

yeah and you go oh this is just a funny guy who's great at telling the truth so it's like when you say like they're jokes okay but everybody does it different yeah you know and the problem is it sound this is the real problem for people who aren't stand-ups. We're stand-ups. It makes sense to us. People who are fans of stand-up, it makes sense to them. But to regular folks who are getting mad, it seems like you're just talking. Yeah, but why do we buy the Jizzle Nick, but we don't buy the other guy?

Because it's culturally convenient. Hmm. What do you mean? Well, some guys are better at it. Some guys, the writing is cleaner and sharper. It's clear it's a joke. Yes. It's not just clear.

He's preposterous over the line into joke, obviously into joke land. And he's obviously really smart. Like there's a thing that happens, I think, when someone is really good at writing jokes, Like, there's a thing that happens, I think, when someone is really good at writing jokes, where they're giving it to you in a way that you are almost equally impressed with the efficiency of their use of language as you are with the funny in it. You can see the art in it. Right. And Jasonek's a combination of both. Right. Like, he's got the funny, but he also has a very impressive way of setting things up.

Sure. It's a smart way of setting things up. So you let him get away with more. He's funnier. I agree, but I think there's something also to hiding the technique. You know, he's so technique. He's a technician.

He's precise. He's great at it. But I think something about the guy just being loosey-goosey. Oh, yeah, sure. And you don't even see, oh, shit, that was the punch. I didn't even see it coming.

No, that's the thing. That's cool, too. Oh, it's great, too. There's no better way. You know, there's Joey Dia diaz who i think is the funniest guy that's ever lived he's completely loose yes completely loose you know yeah and but he he'll catch these waves well you can't believe a person is it's possible for a person to be any funnier just hits joey has you ever seen him murder i've never seen him live oh my god dude you always say he's the goat i'm like I want to see this GOAT.

He hits these waves where people are just like, shut the fuck up. Where comics in the back of the room are holding themselves. I've seen everybody, man. I've seen everybody kill. Yeah. I've never seen anybody stronger than Joey. Wow. It's just these, it's not like he's a Jesselneck type writer.

Sure. Like if he does a special, it's going to be so polished from the beginning to the end. No, he's trying to find himself in it, but he's got seriously underrated joke writing. Oh really? His economy of words. And he just says shit.

You don't see it come in and it hits you like a fucking brick. Yeah. And you're like, Oh my God. And you know, that's what I love. Yeah. I love,

but I love Jessel Nick too. I love, i love but i love jessal nick too i love i love seinfeld so do i i love all kinds of comedy i love the fact that hedberg had a completely different way of doing it than santino does yeah everybody's got their own thing i know it's like it's a cool art yeah i love it i love that i'm in it and i love that i'm getting paid to do it do you know anderson you know oh yeah he paid to do it. Do you know Andrew Santino? Oh, yeah. He's super conversational. Yes.

Like, you almost think that he's just saying this for the first time. He's talking to you like a friend. Like, hey, he's one of those guys where you're at the bar, like, dude, dude, come here. You know he's a fucking moron. Right. He does have that. He's the guy. He's the guy.

And you're like, well, he is. He's your brother, but he's a fucking moron. Like, he's a fucking moron. And then he starts being funny being funny right he's the guy that brings you in like come on let's have a drink yeah i wish i had more of that i'm i'm such a nervous nut that i'm i gotta have every word precise i'm how many years in are you i'm about 12 13 ish well that's who you are then yeah yeah that's it and i'm okay with it i like it it. I'm figuring it out. It's a great way. You know, when you get it polished down,

you know, it's like some of the most impressive stand-up ever. Like, one of my all-time favorites is Richard Jennings. Oh, he's a beast. Oh my God.

Underrated as hell. But he was talking about precise. He always said, I get five minutes a year, maybe. Five good minutes of material a year. That's why he killed himself.

I mean, it's brutal. Yeah, he was super precise. He had a bunch of mental demons, unfortunately. Yeah. Don't we all. I ran into him on a plane once. I was coming home from, I think it was Austin. I was doing the club, and he had a corporate gig.

I said hi to him. Hey, what's up, Richard? What's up, man? We're talking. I was just right behind him. And he just seemed so fucking bummed out, man. Just seemed sad. Funny because as a young comic, you're like, you're bummed?

You're killing it. You're one of the funniest guys ever. You don't get it that they can also be successful and miserable. Well, mental illness is just, it just gets people the same way lung cancer gets people. Sure. The same way polio or, or you know something that you can catch he was just depressed man like severely depressed but god damn he was good i think it was because that was the only time he was ever having fun was when he was doing stand-up right man i didn't know

the guy that well i only was casual with him a few times but i was a giant fan oh yeah i worked at east side comedy club when i was like um I think I was probably 23-ish, 24. It was my first time making it to New York, and I was doing Long Island. And they told me that Richard Jenney had been there that night or that weekend and did two shows Friday, two shows Saturday, each totally different. Ah, that kills me. Dude, it was the hardest thing to hear. Yeah, yeah, I always hear that. Oh, this guy did four different hours. This is not even possible.

How did he do it? They were in, everyone was in awe. They were in awe. It was Joey Cola. Oh, yeah, he's a funny guy. Yeah, he's a great guy. He's like a Long Island legend. Yeah, he's a great guy. We were talking about it. We were like, how the fuck does he do that? Joey was ahead of me. He had been doing stand-up longer than me he had like you know more more time that he could do

on stage but i just couldn't imagine ever coming to a point in my life where i have four could four different hours that's crazy and they said he murdered i believe it just murdered do you have that the you always hear bill hicks say that thing of like, you know, the material is what you fall back on when you're out of things to say, which I don't agree with. I think the material is what you show up to do. People want to hear your point of view. They don't want to hear about, you know, they might want to hear you rant a little bit in the beginning, but do the act. That was Hicks' style, though. He, you know, he had his own way.

His way was like he was trying to almost inject philosophy into people while he was telling jokes yeah the jokes were really smart sure he was obviously a smart guy so that was his thing but i hear you you know the thing about him though is he didn't have podcasts right right he could have used one yeah he would have the greatest podcast ever and then i bet his stand-up would have gotten better because he wouldn't have felt like he had to be so funny on stage or so poignant. Yeah, he would have felt like, I'm just here to do jokes. During the podcast, I get to talk about life. Right, right.

I talk about everything, and I don't even have to be funny. Yeah. Oof, I've had some bad core. You mentioned corporates. Did you do any? No, no. Oh, man. Thank God.

Thank the baby Jesus. I did a gig at the Cellar. This guy showed up and he goes, I like your stuff. You're edgy. You're raw. Come do my country club. Come roast my country club. I was like, oh, great.

So he gave me a sheet of all his employees and all their dirt. And he's like, really zing them. Really make it vicious. They always say vicious. And I show up and it's like Mercedes and Benz is everywhere and Maseratis. And I'm like, oh, shit. White tablecloths. I go up, and I do the mic tap.

Hey, everybody, I'm going to do some comedy. And they go, he's going to roast everybody. Sit back. He's got a cigar and a suit. And I go, hey, Bill. And Bill stands up, and I go, we all know you're on Coke. We've seen it. And Bill's like, what? And his wife's like, oh, my God, you're supposed to be clean.

And I'm like, all right, right well that didn't go well then i'm like hey hey uh jeff jeff we all know you're cheating on your wife and she's like i knew it you know and the kids are crying and you know rob we all know you're gay just come out already and this is all the shit he gave me and the place you know the place is in a in a in a brouhaha and i fucking the guy came back he's like get the hell out of here so So that was tough. True story. I would imagine you would have double checked. No, I just used what he gave me.

This is all I knew. That seems so ridiculous. That guy's, now, did you ever communicate with him after the game? He was furious. Furious. He was mad. He was pissed at me. He's like, what happened?

I'm like, what do you mean what happened? I did the shit you gave me. You said be vicious. He, cause he's like, I thought you'd make it funny. I'm like, I just said the shit.? I did the shit you gave me. You said be vicious. Hey, because he's like, I thought you'd make it funny. I'm like, I just said the shit. I made jokes, but I still had the dirt. It was bad. I tried to do a couple jokes after about taxis and peanut butter, but it didn't fly.

Nothing? No, they were just yelling at each other. The whole thing was ruined. I ruined the whole party. I got paid. I had to fight with the guy. Really? And it was a solid check, I might say.

Wow. Nice chunk of change. But yeah, corporate. They always say that. I've been fired from every gig when they say be edgy. Every time, they don't know what edgy is. Edgy to us, we're dead inside. Edgy to us is abortion and miscarriage and AIDS and anal and queef and jizz.

But these guys, they want maybe a Jew joke or something. Edgy is one of those things where even though I might enjoy it by classical definition, like what it actually is, I never enjoy hearing someone say it's edgy. No, no. Whenever someone says something's edgy, I'm like, ew. Yeah, you sound like my dad. Sounds like horse shit. Right.

Like it's nonsense. Oh, it's so edgy. You got to see him. He's really edgy. I don't want to see him now. I'm not, ew. Yeah, you sound like my dad. Sounds like horse shit. Right. Like, it's nonsense. Oh, it's so edgy. You got to see him. He's really edgy. I don't want to see him now. I'm not seeing anybody. I'm not seeing anybody edgy. Yeah.

That term is just a gross term. Right. You know? Edgy. Edgy. It sounds dorky. Yeah. It's rated R.

Whoa. But it's just corny. Yeah. It's edgy. Edgy means like you're like trying. Yes. You're trying too hard. Exactly.

Trying to be cool. I don't give a fuck. He's edgy means like you're like trying yes you're trying too hard exactly trying to be cool i don't give a fuck he's edgy he's gonna i'm gonna make fun of everybody i'm talking shit right i do like dark humor though don't get me wrong me too i love that word the word edgy just kills me same same makes me think of the worst yes like that's just the shittiest right well they always say that's not that's's distasteful. That's bad taste. That's what they always say when I do edgy. Like, no one would call Richard Pryor edgy. I mean, I guess you could, but nobody who likes him.

Would you? How could you dare? I wouldn't, but yeah. That's not edgy. Right. I really like good edgy comedy like Richard Pryor. Like, get away from me. To me, that's just comedy.

That's what stand-up is, is Richard Pryor. Exactly. That's who he was, right? Yeah. He wasn't Stephen Wright. Stephen Wright found his thing. Yeah. You know, that's the great thing about it is that it's like if you had a drug that has

a bunch of different effects and it's all just drug, you go to the store to get it and you don't know what you're going to get. Right, right. You know what I mean? That's interesting, yeah. You go to the store to get it, and you don't know what you're going to get. Right, right. You know what I mean? That's interesting, yeah. Like, what drug we got today? It could be a Viagra. It could be a birth control.

It could be speed. Like, we're going to get comedy. Oh, okay, what kind of comedy are you going to go see? Just fucking whatever. We just took a laxative. Yeah, I mean, it could be anything. Yeah, that's interesting. It could be Guns N' Roses.

It could be Barry Manilow. Right. It could be anybody. Yeah, and it's It could be Guns N' Roses It could be Barry Manilow Right It could be anybody Yeah, and it's Sheena Easton And it seems like they're never happy with what it is Oh, I mean, neither would you be If you went to see bands

And you were like really into ACDC Yeah And there was a bunch of Fiona Apple clones You'd be like, enough whining! Right, right I get it, Sarah McLaughlin You like puppies I get it I did likelin You like puppies I get it

I did like that Fiona Apple She was good but I know what you mean She was great She still is I'm sure So is Sarah McLaughlin She's got a beautiful voice I got it You know sometimes you want to hear

The fucking Cro-Mags or something Yeah yeah Or Gwar Or Coldplay There's a lot of different pieces Yeah I get it There's different styles Yeah I did

I got hired for I shouldn't say the name But I got hired by this internet company, pretty big one, and I was supposed to do a Halloween. Did it run with Google? No, it was older. A couple letters. Three letters. Okay.

So I got hired by them to host their Halloween show. I was the host, like Bob Barker style, bad suit, skinny mic, and they were like, be edgy. So I was hosting the Halloween costume. We had a live audience, judges, the whole thing, and they were like, be edgy So I was hosting the Halloween costume We had a live audience, judges, the whole thing And they were like, be edgy, we saw your act We like it, and I go, great So I'm trying to be funny, I'm getting some zings, some zangs And a cat woman walks on Like a sexy cat woman

I make fun of her, pussy joke, whatever You know, it's going well You're trying to be funny, it's not easy And then she's walking off And an African queen is walking on. She's like a big headdress black lady. And I go, hey, watch that whip around the African. And I swear to God, the camera just went, like the whole thing shut down.

I felt like the power went out. I was like, well, that was weird. And they fired me right after. You can't, wait a minute, if someone's wearing Africanan garb you can't say the african i said watch the whip because cat woman had a whip and she was passing her going off and she was coming on i thought it was a quick you know that's funny man thanks i appreciate it but they didn't think so wow they fired me that was bad it was the first day i was supposed to do all five days how funny is that oh i mean you would think that most people would just say, well, that clearly is a joke.

Of course, of course. That's about as jokey joke as you can get. And in my dumb mind, I was like, ooh, I fucking nailed that one. I thought so, too. I was quick. All right. Or if you were at the cellar, that would be you nailed it. Yeah.

Right? But I don't know what your dumb parameters are, people. Just because you own a company, I don't know what you like. Yeah, but the problem is you're doing corporates. You can't do them. Ah, well, I needed money, Joe. I get it, brother. Yeah.

I get it. I took any gig then. I took Harlem. I was in Connecticut. I was uptown, downtown, all around. Oh, believe me. I used to do bachelor parties with no microphone. Oh, wow.

I did horrible, horrible gigs. You got to do what you got to do. That's brutal. I did a couple with no microphone. Kind of for you though i look at it like fighting like you want to be a good fighter i want to be able to grapple i want to be able to get into a bar fight and win i also want to be able to you know uh get a get enough playground fight you know and a boxing ring fight like you want it all just want to be good at fighting Mix it up Mix it up Yeah No for sure I think those gigs are good for you

Even the ones where you bomb Just to It also gives you a greater appreciation Of the good shows And you might have more enthusiasm Yeah Like if you go to a comedy club And you know the middle act is already killing

And you get out there And there's great energy Like you're like Oh this is so good Yeah You realize how good it is Because you did the corporate gig. Right, right.

Maybe you wouldn't appreciate those club gigs. Of course. Unless you had done the corporate gig. Do you remember when you found you? I remember where I was. I bombed for like three years straight when I started. And I remember how I clicked. I just came online and became who I am, and it changed everything.

What did you do? I was at a show called Moe Pitkins. That was the name of the bar. It was on Avenue A. And I was bombing and I was doing my dumb horse shit, observational, and this guy started heckling me. And I just, after bombing and living in New York and having bed bugs and just being poor and sad and lonely and drunk, I just snapped on this guy and it was killing.

And I was like being me and i was calling this guy a piece of shit and like what's your life and i broke down his whole life and made him feel like an asshole and i left there like i felt like an archangel i was like a phoenix rising it was amazing so you've realized that you can be yourself and if you are yourself you're even funny exactly i was in this seinfeld paul reiser, and I cracked that macadamia nut open and got out of there. It was great. That's beautiful. I felt 10 feet tall.

I love hearing stories like that. But I still bomb constantly. Well, if you take chances, you're going to bomb. Of course. If you write new jokes, they're going to fall. Right. You lived in New York, huh? Yeah. That's when I got way better

There you go I had to get way better I had to get way better I was coming from Boston to New York And in Boston I'd relied too much on Like regional humor And it was also There was too many like bar gigs

Where you could kind of sustain yourself And guys did it for too long They didn't venture out into the rest of the country And so when I did go to New York I felt like like, first of all, 10 minutes of my material now is useless. Right. Like, gone. Like, bits that were killing.

Yeah. Used to kill before. Local humor gets you local work. Yeah, it does. It does. True. It was a trap, for sure. Yeah, but it works.

I had some serious bomb sessions, some really bad sets. And I had to realize, like, okay like realize like okay i gotta really really really go to work and look at this i can't just look at this casually right i gotta say why am i why am i so nervous when i go on stage like why don't i have a really good bit to start with right ease into it like let's look at all the problems that i've had yeah being awkward at first you can't recover right you know exactly yes so all those different things when you make when you have to

move to a completely new environment you're forced to rethink how you do comedy because now you're around the Chicago guys yeah and maybe the Chicago

girls and guys do their stand up different you know and you get around them and you're like oh well these guys are this is another level

you know and then you go to New York oh this is another level, you know? And then you go to New York, oh, this is another level. Yeah. This is a higher level. Exactly. And New York and LA are even different. Sure, sure. You know, there's just like different styles and like all of it is good for you.

You're exposed to different styles. You're exposed to different audiences. People who don't do the road, like you can't do it. You can't. You can't be a real comic if you don't travel exactly you could be like a niche weirdo but you got if you want to entertain the country or the world you got to get out there a lot of those niche weirdos from boston are some of the greatest comics of all time that's true but it's not smart it's like the the problem is then the world doesn't get to see yeah and only

the people around you get to see and you're missing out on a giant chunk of the people that you could appreciate your work you could have these fans they would you would make them feel better they would see you and laugh like you're missing all that yeah missing all that because you're not making the right steps yeah it's actually kind of closed-minded well i just it's convenient sometimes guys get married they have kids you know and they get stuck they're in the school they don't want to go they don't want to go on the road every weekend you know it's convenient. Sometimes guys get married and they have kids and they get stuck. They're in school. They don't want to go on the road every weekend. It's too much. Yeah.

But you lived in New York. When you moved there, did you have money? No. Yeah, okay. That was hell, right? It was real bad. I was actually staying with my grandfather who was living in Newark, New Jersey on North 9th Street right next to a guy who got his door broken down for selling crack.

Sounds good. He had an Audi parked in his driveway. It was some cheddar. Yeah, my grandfather was there and bought a house. I think he bought a house in like the 40s. And somewhere later, like in the 50s or the 60s, they did this thing called blockbusting. I remember that. Good video.

I think that was a story. Oh, sorry. They would say that like, hey, a black person's moving into your neighborhood. Black people are going to move into your neighborhood and it's going to drop your property value. So you've got to sell now before this happens. And a lot of people panicked and just sold their houses. And my grandfather was like, I like black people. I'm staying right here. So just he just never moved bad business he was just like he was like this is

my fucking house yeah like this is where i live and he in he was there and it turned from this all italian neighborhood to it was a black neighborhood for a while and then it became right now or when i lived there rather it, it was more of a Latino immigrant community. There was a lot of Spanish-speaking people from all sorts of different countries. I didn't do a survey and find out what country they're all from. Do you think black people go, shit, the Latinos are moving in? Do you think they get upset about that, like blockbusting with Latins? I think it's all about where people can move where they can survive.

Cheap. If it's got to be cheap. That's why artists go there, too. Artists are the lowest rung of everything. Yeah. We're the brokest and least, we can't do anything. At least, like, black people and Latinos, they have, like, some skills. Artists have one skill, and it's painting or some shit.

Yeah, or telling jokes. That was always, like, a badge of courage for guys who lived in Alphabet City. Like, whoa, he's real. What did they say? A is for, no, D is death. C is, I don't know, cool it. Crack? Yeah, crack.

And B was, you know, be careful. And A was anal. I don't know. It was something. That whole area was, if you knew a guy who lived there, he probably wore those fucking boots. Doc Martens. Oh, yeah. What's that?

Timberlands. No, he was a Doc Martens guy. If you were a white guy and you lived in Alphabet City, you were like a tortured fan of the Creeps. Right. Right? You remember that band, the Creeps? Sure. I think that band had such a cool logo that a bunch of people just signed on to become fans just because they liked that creepy, weird, you know what I mean?

That greenish, kind of droopy. That weird fellow, like music for bad people. Remember that? It was a good t-shirt, I remember. I dated a gal who would go to those shows and she would mosh and she'd come back with headaches. Damn. She'd come back dizzy and shit.

She got bonked in the head at a fucking mosh pit at some punk rock show at the rat scaler yeah i moved to new york uh with four hundred dollars and i got bed bugs the first year landlord died of aids whoa and uh i got mugged three times in the first year oh my god it was hell man mugged at like point, gun point? Well, it was mostly my fault. I'm victim blaming here. But I was always such a blackout drunk that I was just, like, asking to be mugged. I would fall asleep and wake up and guys were going through my shit. One time I fell asleep on Hell's Kitchen.

Remember the bar Rudy's? No. You got a free hot dog with every beer. So it was a hot spot. But I remember being so drunk they threw me out and I was walking down 9 avenue and i was like i just gotta lay down for a minute i'm so tired because i had to go when you had that haul to brooklyn on the subway that would take two three hours sometimes really oh yeah at that at four in the morning yeah two three hours because the trains change and they never show up and you know and then the garbage train comes it takes

forever and i lived in crown heights, which is like way out. So I fell asleep in this little alcove, and I woke up, and four or five guys are going through my shit. They're blockbusting. And I'm like, oh, shit. And I was like, what? And he goes, he's getting up. And he hit me, and I went out again. And they took my keys, my phone, my joke book, my wallet.

They took my keys, my phone, my joke book, my wallet. And starting from scratch with no money, you've got to somehow get a MetroCard, but you have no wallet to get the MetroCard. You've got no credit card to get the wallet. I mean, it's brutal. How'd you get by? What'd you do? I just had to walk home, which took forever.

And then I think I jumped the turnstiles, got home, and then you find your roommate, you call your mom, and she helps you. Wow. I fell asleep. Oh, this is a crazy story. I fell asleep on the subway. I went like four stops past mine in Brooklyn. I got out, and I was like, I'll walk it.

It's a nice night. I see five guys in the corner, right out of Stencil Casting, shooting dice, thugged out guys on the corner, drinking 40s. And I go, ah, I'm going to cross the street. These guys look a little shady. And I walk across the street, and now an older guy is coming to her, white beard, big older black guy. And he gets up to me and I had an old iPod. He goes, give me that radio.

And I go, it's not a radio. I'm thinking that would like, you know, turn him away. And he goes, just give it to me. And I go, I don't think so. And he grabs at it. So I grab at it. And now we're tugging and he picks me up and he's slamming me against a business like you know when the metal gate closes that pow pow and i'm kicking him i'm punching him and i can't i think he was on pcp or something and before i know it those five guys run

over and just beat the shit out of him i'm talking he hits the ground they're kicking him in the face and i'm just like uh and i grab my ipod and i get out of there so those five guys helped you they saved my life, yeah. Holy shit. I talked to a cop about it like a month later and he was like, oh, those were drug dealers and they can't have some white kid getting killed in the neighborhood. So they had to make a choice. And I was like, wow, thank God for drugs.

You can't judge. I totally judge those guys. Well, they're like a local mafia. They take care of their block. Exactly. I mean, that those guys. Well, they're like a local mafia. They take care of their block. Exactly. I mean, that's what the mob always did. The one thing that people liked that lived in communities that were run by the mob is that they kind of kept an order.

Right. Yeah. It was terrible order if you fell foul to them. Yeah. If you had an issue with them. Yeah. But you didn't. Like, they always said that the mob, when the ran Vegas. Like, old ladies would always say that.

It was beautiful when the mob ran. That's true. Yeah. The mob ran Vegas. It was classy. You hear that about Buddy Cianci. He was like the Providence mayor, and he was like a big mob guy, but everything was clean and well run, but he was also whacking people in the back of a butcher store.

So you get the good with the bad. It's like Al Capone showing up with a turkey on Thanksgiving, but then he's killing your uncle for not paying the bills. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was the thing about John Gotti in Crown Heights, right? He would light the fireworks.

Was it Crown Heights? Is that where he lived? I don't know. There was some place in Brooklyn. Was it Bensonhurst? Maybe Bensonhurst. That was very Italian. Wherever it was.

Where Gotti would have this enormous firework celebration every year. And everybody knew that the Godfather put on this firework celebration. It was like his peacock feathers. It would flare once a year. Right. And they all appreciated him and they'd come to give him respect. And they'd have this open display of the mafia in the form of fireworks. Uh-huh.

That's great. And everybody knew. And it was a weird thing. Everybody knew that he was putting it on. Wow. It was very strange. Very strange. And then they're in with the cops, too, so that's weird.

You feel very safe, but it's also scary. I don't know. It's dangerous. It's a different kind of order. Too much murder. Yeah. The law version is fucked up, you know people go to jail for things that they didn't do and there's a lot of real problems yeah with the law but but it's better

than the mob yeah yeah i guess so it's just better it's way better yeah it's got issues but it's based on the idea that we're all equal and then we all have equal rights and the laws are supposed to protect us from people committing crimes to us and stealing from us. Yeah, imagine if a mob guy knocked on your warehouse and was like, hey, hey, you got to pay up. Exactly. Wouldn't that be crazy? What would you do?

Hire more SEALs. You got SEALs here? Yeah. That's what those guys are? Yeah, I'm not paying anybody, man. I don't know, but then now you're in the bad spot. Yeah, you don't want to be in the bad spot. Yeah, so it's a tough gamble. And then you're just thinking

about it. You're laying in bed at night and you hear somebody tapping on your door and you're like, fuck! And then they start taunting you. Then your life is ruined! Then they fuck with your wife. Who knows what's going on? Yep, and that's how they get people to pay. Yeah, yeah. That's how people get scared. Now they call it unions. What are you saying? Sorry, sorry.

Some unions are legitimate, sir. You're obviously on the hooch. You've drank too much of that Buffalo Trace whiskey, sir. Gotta get over the hump. You're on the hooch. Boy, you got big mitts. Look at the size of those hands. Jesus, you could choke a man.

Wow. All right, sorry. The coffee's... I'm on the moon here. This stuff's no joke. It's not for the timid at heart. I got to get the buffalo in me just to even out. Long night.

Yeah, it's that Laird Hamilton coffee, son. Woo, he's a hunk. He's a hunk of a man. Him and his wife. Wouldn't you love to watch them fuck? You know a Pat from the Black Keys? Yes, I would. Oh, that's a beautiful spawn they would have.

I mean, with genetics. They're off the charts. Even Larry David's kids are hot, and he's a troll. You know? I mean, I love him. He's my hero. Her genes just took over. They picked up the weight.

The wife gene. Yeah, the wife gene. Yeah, the wife is beautiful. Yeah, so the wife gene just picked up the extra weight. Like, we got it. We got it. Don't worry. Aren't you glad that women find funny?

What would we do if, you know, you're a wilder beast i'm a dweeb you know like the real problem yeah we'd be fucked thank god women can see past looks i know because men can't i mean imagine if we would have to we had to wear makeup oh god i'd kill myself like i was watching a lady this morning in the car i was ahead of my kid. Had a little thing at school. One of those little, what are those things called? Mascara. No, where they get on stage. Jewel.

Assembly of some sort. Thank you. God, why couldn't I come up with assembly? I was just at one this morning. Well, you're getting old. I'm looking at this lady in traffic and she's applying base on her face. And she's doing this all while she's like in between traffic stops. They hit the red light and immediately they're putting their mask on.

Yeah. Dolling it up. Wow, it's such a weird thing to want to do. Yeah, I feel bad for women, but then I also hate when they blame men for that. You know, they go, oh, in a man's world, I got to wear the makeup. I'm like, no, you don't have to But you can also be considered less attractive Like it's a give and take here How much less?

Listen, man Yeah, yeah There's something hot about a girl not wearing makeup Sure, but you got to have a nice face, too You can't I mean, realistically You can't just not have You sound like the Dalai Lama

Well, let's get down to Did you hear what happened with him? No, what happened? Did you hear? Oh, they were talking to him about Would there ever be a female Dalai Lama. He goes, yes, but it must be good looking. Oh, well, I'm not saying that. And the lady was like, what?

And he goes, yeah, nobody wants to see this face. And he makes like this ugly face. Oh, well, he's no peach himself. But I'm saying biology is the ultimate misogynist. Sure. When you really break it down. You know, women get they got to get pregnant before this age and they also want to have a career but they want to get they got not

they want to get knocked up but then the tits and the boobs and the butt and the waist it sucks and some women want a career simply because they want to show everybody that they're not inferior to men yeah that's weird too yeah it's like society's trick, I'm not saying trick them, but trap them in the situation where not only do they have to have the babies, they have to create humans, and on top of that, they have to compete with men

and show that they can. Right. I always find that the women who are mothers, but are also corporate people, they're insanely competitive. Yes. Like a Gabrielle Reese. mothers but are also like corporate people they're like insanely competitive yes you're you're like like a gabrielle reese like if she went that way if she went the corporate way she'd be insanely competitive which is why she was this killer volleyball player right right and you know like i really feel like that's a that's a a really new thing for humans. Yeah. What year was it?

I mean, it's not that it's bad because it's great that women have the option to do whatever they want. Yeah. But what I'm saying is just historically, how recent is it? Because it seems like it's only within the last hundred years that women have had this sort of career, like working alongside men in business, in the boardrooms, and making these big decisions, and being CEOs of companies. Which is great if you want to do that, and if you're good at it. You still have to be good at it.

I hate all, like, we've got to put a woman in. What if she sucks? Put a woman who's good. There are women who are good at it. It's insulting and condescending. You go, put a woman in. We want to have a good quota. Put a good one in.

I had a conversation like that with my friend. She has a TV show, and she was talking about wanting to hire a diverse cast of writers. And I was like, as long as they're good. Yeah. I'm like, that's number one. That's how I feel. Number one should be, are they good? Exactly.

And she's like, well, I just want it to look a certain way. I don't want it to be all white men. I'm like, okay, you got one shot at this. Right. If you're going to do a stand-up show, you got one shot at this. You got to put your blinders on and just say, who is the funniest? It's a

meritocracy. You're trying to make a funny show. I get it if you don't think that someone can be funny but right for women. You might be right there. I agree with that. That's why the UFC is great. You just let it go. Just don't touch it. And it's fucking, you've got a Russian guy, you've got an African guy, you've got a it's fucking, you got a Russian guy, you got an African guy, you got a Swedish guy,

you got a German guy, an Irish guy. No one's going, oh, there's not enough black people. Oh, thank God Silva's here. Thank God Anderson Silva's here. No, he's just good. Right. And then you got the good women, too. You got the cyborgs and the whatnots and the rousies.

Just let it happen. Let it be good. It should work itself out. Yeah. Fighting is the ultimate meritocracy, right? Yeah. Yeah, completely, which is why it's so popular, I think. I think it's just as little bullshit in it be good. It should work itself out. Yeah, fighting is the ultimate meritocracy, right? Yeah, yeah, completely, which is why it's so popular, I think. I think it's just as little bullshit in it as possible.

There's bad decisions and there's injuries and stuff like that, eye pokes. But overall, it's like the least bullshittable out of all sports. I think it goes back to the blending, the shit your daughter's watching, because it's just, we want basic. We're craving basic shit. And I know basic is like an insult now, which is ironic. But it's like, we just want, give me the core. We got so much

dog shit. Our sushi has mayonnaise on it now. What the fuck are we doing? The best sushi is just the simple roll. Give me a BJ. Don't put, you know, don't give me a reach around. Just go with the shit that works. Don't put hot you know, don't give me a reach around. Just go with the shit that works. Don't put hot sauce on my dick. Yeah, whatever that is.

Or the fucking cert or whatever they eat. The mint. It's good. Don't break. What is it? Don't fix what ain't broke. Yeah, that would be the most ridiculous porn series ever. Hot ones with dicks.

Where they just put different kind of hot sauce on dudes' dicks. And these girls are crying and snot's coming out of their nose and they're blowing guys who have like dave's red hot yeah that wouldn't be milk they're drinking though like what is the one that there's there's what's the most ridiculous one that they always have on the hot ones show the last dab it's the last dab that was called yeah there's one that it's like ari got me some of this shit that has a skull and crossbones on it and i'm telling you you, I'd have a bowl of chicken noodle soup, and you put a fucking drop. Just blip.

And you eat it, and you're like, oh! One tiny little drop. That's not fun. Also dumb for those salesmen. You're never going to sell a bottle. But you are. You're wrong. Who's going to buy a bottle if a drop goes a long way?

Some people can do it, man. We can't do it, but some people can do it. I don't get it. They used to get these guys that would come from Nepal to this chili. There was a place called Chili My Soul in Encino. And it was crazy how hot this guy would make his chili. I mean, fucking insane. He had different levels, like level one, level two.

I forget what the number system was. But he had this one level that was so fucking insanely hot. He would let you try it, but they would give you a tiny little paper cup. They'd be like, this is all you get. Your tongue would go numb.

You couldn't stop sneezing. What's the fun? Well, he told me these guys from Nepal came in, ate that, and were pouring more hot sauce on top of it. Jesus.

I was like, there's no way. He goes, I'm telling you, they just have a different thing. Yeah. Their system is set up differently. They can just eat it when you can't. I love hot sauce. You know, I'm from New Orleans.

You know, we grew up on that shit. But I don't get the painful stuff. Yeah. It seems. It's almost like a risk fun thing, like jumping out of a plane or something. I feel like some people don't feel things the same way. Oh, well, that's for sure. For sure, right?

It has to be. Yeah. Like, you know know People have different Tastes in art Like some things That I think are garbage Other people are willing To pay thousands of dollars

For it Like this is amazing You know Like there's things that They resonate with some people But other people Think they're trash Yeah but I think

A lot of that is BS They just want their friends To think they know They want to seem cultured But I see what you're saying But I think there's a lot of art that's just about the image. Yeah, there's a little bit of that. Okay, but what about music then?

Think about the radical differences between jazz and, say, hip-hop. There's definitely devotees for both. Both jazz and hip-hop. And they can't be more mutually more different. Yeah, I like both. Yeah, I like both too, but they're so fucking different.

Yeah. Like some people would love one and hate the other. Totally. Totally. My dad. So that's like just a taste, like appreciation for things.

But is there that much variation in taste buds? I think so. There must be. Because there's things I love that other people think are disgusting. Well, they say you eat, you taste what your mom is eating as a fetus.

Like, that's the first introduction to, like, you know, preference. And I think that has a lot to do with my friend from Whitman, Mass., Joe List. We have a podcast together. I know that guy. Yeah, you know Joe. He eats like a nine-year-old. He eats, like, hot dogs and ice cream and burgers and you know fried chicken now he's introduced pussy but he's eating he and i love zucchini i love avocado i love uh weird shit i

want i want all of it i want i want indian food i want uh mexican and hot sauce and all that but he's like ah it's crazy that's that's too much And I'm like, how can you? And he just grew up with pizza and birthday cake and chips, whereas my mom is a foodie cunt, so she had all kinds of weird stews going. She's a foodie cunt. I mean, my mom would cook anything. I think she's like a Depression-era whore because she would have a fridge with chicken bones

and a box of cream, and she would make something. Oh, that's hilarious. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm the same, man. I love different kinds of food. I love Indian food, man. Love Indian. Been on an Indian food kick lately.

Thai food. Love. Thai's the best Asian, I think. I think so, too. Food and people. Whoa. Just kidding. Well, have you ever been?

Thai? Yeah, to Thailand. I've been to China. Super nice people. No Thai. Thailand's like the nicest people you're ever going to encounter. It's strange how nice they are. Everybody's so friendly.

Best looking Asian too, I think. They look pretty hot. Yeah, yeah. But you might be catching the wrong gender. Oh. That's a deal there. Well, gender's a construct. It is.

And there's the best proof of it. That's a good point They also figured out the best way to kick people in the legs Like Thai boxing Interesting Elbows, the best elbows, knees, leg kicks Is that Thai? Yeah, it's Thai

I thought Brazilian had that cornered Muay Thai Yeah, Muay Thai Of course The Brazilians is Jiu Jitsu Right The Brazilians figured out Jiu Jitsu And the Thais figured out kickboxing

What about Krav Maga? Is that any good? Sure. You don't hear much about Krav. Well, it's a combination. It's a self-defense system. I believe it was created for the Israeli military. But what it essentially is is the best aspects of all these different martial arts.

Like a Jeet Kune Do, like a Jewish Jeet Kune Do. Bruce Lee's idea of Jeet Kuneundo is like you take what's useful from whatever martial art and combine them with krav maga's there's some of them you know some are more striking base some are more grappling based in terms of what they teach in their classes but it's essentially a combination of striking arts and grappling arts like jujitsu techniques along with karate techniques muay thai techniques so they they do uh they do real martial arts it's like yeah you you see a krav maga expert like they go you go oh well that guy is a real martial artist it's not like it's not like watching those some of those

kung fu people that do wacky shit right right like i don't think that's real it's just noises you're just touching the guy in the chest the guy's falling down what they're doing is real stuff so that's just they just combined it isn't it chest and the guy's falling down. What they're doing is real stuff. So they just combined it. Isn't it funny how the Jews really flipped when they got to America? You go to Israel and it's like chiseled, tan, tall, full head of silky hair,

hot lady, and then in America it's just like diners and banks. What happened? What do you think? I don't know. Allergies and, you know, stuff like that and crazy moms. Well, I don't know anything about uh you know stuff like that and crazy moms well i don't know anything about the jewish lineage the genetic lineage but i would imagine there's a difference between the european jews and the israeli but it's something about america look at african american black or african black and then african americans very different you know i think it's

something america in general yeah it, it's America, I think. You can do it with almost every group, like. Italians. Italians. Their food's different here. Yes. Spaghetti and meatballs, you'd think that's Italian. That doesn't even exist over there.

Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, their pizza's not like our shitty triangular mess. Yeah. You know? And just the people. Their food is very fish-oriented.

Yes. Very light. The meals are like these long experiences where you sit down for multiple courses. Right, right. And we got all kinds of – we got Olive Garden. That's what we did to it, breadsticks. Well, I think that's probably the price you pay for being competitive, right? I guess.

Because if you go to Italy, they don't have a lot of industry. Most – I mean, when you go to the touristy places, of course, it's all tourists. But you got to think, what chunk of their economy is based on people visiting italy it must be enormous yeah it's got to be you i mean i've been there just see the coliseum and yeah it's got to be an enormous sum of money oh yeah it has to be like i would say it's probably like 50 of their economy or something crazy right it's people visiting them big on the cat calling over there there's this country is yeah real big oh yeah they go hard in the paint yeah yeah but this country this country is like frantic we're like the most frantic ants at the center of the colony money money business business business yeah

corporate corporate corporate chains especially someone like new york right stacked on top of each other yeah i mean i saw a little bit of the real new york and now it's just pink berries duane reeds and chase bank ah it's crazy i saw a little but that's also when i was getting robbed you know everything this there's a theme to this episode and it's the it's the good and the bad there's a balance you get mugged you get spit on you get cat called but then you get the the pink berry tutor freelander's been there forever and he told me that when he first moved there it was like all artists yeah and he said now it's all bankers yeah it's like it's so weird how it happened it's it's kooky guys rolling through downtown

and lamborghinis yeah there's a lot of that now so weird it's very odd and like neighborhood you go to before had like this cool dive bar and now it's this wacky condo That's all glass and futuristic And you're like what the fuck is this When did this pop up I bought a moped I love this thing I'm zipping all over Manhattan I don't know why more people aren't buying mopeds in New York

I mean it's perfect for Manhattan Manhattan is 14 miles long 2 miles wide It's just moped city And I'm seeing I'm the only guy out there I feel like I beat the system I'm jumping from spa

I did 6 sets the other night just jumping around on my moped. Yeah, it's the best. You park it right on the sidewalk, put a lock on it, you run in, run out, no parking, no tickets, no garages. Do you worry about getting hit? I do, but, you know, you got to live, man. I'm just living. You're just living.

Yeah, and I'm going through red lights. I'm in the bike lane. I'm in the real lane. I'm all over the road, and I got a podcast in my ear. I'm listening to Jim Jeffries or something while I'm zipping around. Malcolm Gladwell, you name it. It's great. I forgot my point.

Do you have a helmet on? No, I got to get a helmet. Jesus, bro. Well, come on. You're not using a helmet? Look at his hair. I can't flatten that. Beautiful, beautiful hair.

Thank you. You don't have to wear a helmet in New York? I see cops I peel off I go off to the left So you're doing it Illegally Yeah yeah

But I'm getting around man I'm getting more material Worked out Than ever before And you know The city is so beautiful Like I'm seeing like Oh my god

Times Square at night Then you turn off Like oh I'm on 5th Avenue And then you're like There's Grand Central And there's There's Alphabet City There's the West Village

There's the Arch In Washington Square Park It's so pretty And I got like There's Grand Central And there's There's Alphabet City There's the West Village There's the Arch In Washington Square Park It's so pretty And I got the wind in my hair And it's fall And I love this thing man I highly recommend Getting a moped

And you go to Italy You go to Rome Everybody's on a moped Yeah Why aren't we doing it? And I'm not I don't want them to do it I feel like I got in early

So are you the only one On a moped? I'm the only comic moped Do you see other people On mopeds? Do you give each other a nod? It's just me and Chinese Delivery drivers Do you give only one on a moped? I'm the only comic moped. Do you see other people on mopeds? Do you give each other a nod? It's just me and Chinese delivery drivers. Do you give them a weekend a nod? They don't know my people

and they don't care. They're just zipping along with their noodles and moving on. They don't care about me. Do they have DoorDash in New York? They must, right? They must. I don't know what that is. It's everywhere. But they must. It's one of those deliveries because you call the restaurant., yeah, I'm sure. You get it off your app.

Everybody does that shit. Isn't that amazing? You can see on Saturday all the hangover people getting their delivery. What a genius idea, because everybody before was trying to figure out, like, God, why don't they deliver? I wish they'd deliver. And now a company said, we'll do it. McDonald's delivers.

Wow. It's kooky, man. McDonald's delivers. Weed delivers. Everything is delivery. How lazy do you have to be we can't i feel like if you're gonna torture your body with mcdonald's the very least you should get out of the house i agree i agree that's go earn it that's the peak of laziness jamie's saying nope

get it delivered all the time you don't have enough time it's all about time yeah like right on your way home like order it it can meet you there almost ah you got a point i like time spend that half an hour in line to half an hour in traffic here. Fuck that. Yeah, that's a good point. It's kind of kooky to think about when our parents were kids, how much time they spent on just getting somewhere or just writing a letter and then going to mail the letter, buying the stamp, and then going to the post. We can knock all that shit out with click, one email. knock all that shit out with click one email yeah all so think about all the time you've accumulated just from not doing that one thing let alone ubering and flights remember you used

to call the travel agency now you can just boop i got an app i got a delta app whoa it's a man that's that's so many minutes counting over and over through your whole life so we can do pods we can do comedy we can do martial art we can do comedy. We can do martial art. We can go to the gym. Before, people did one thing. You had Jack LaLanne. He was just a workout guy. That was it. Now you're a fucking Renaissance guy.

You're all over the road. You got 12 hobbies and two kids. You're living. I got three kids. Three. Sorry, shit. I thought one died. But you're on the road as well.

I mean, we can do so much more Because of all the time It's pretty amazing You can get a shirt I like that shirt Boom it's at my house tomorrow One click Amazon It's amazing It's incredible

We're in a good time Except for all the complaining It's funny how you complain more When things are going great The better things are More people complain I think the problem is More people have access to

Something that can broadcast their complaint That's what it is Sure sure It's not just that more people have access to something that can broadcast their complaint. That's what it is. Sure, sure. It's not just that more people complain than ever before. I think you go to some poor town in India, I think even when they show the African kids with the distended belly, none of them are going, this sucks. I hate it here.

They're still just sad. They're not complaining. You go to an Indian town, I think they're happier than we are, ironically. I just think it's a broadcast issue. I think it's a social media thing. I don't think it hurts it than we are, ironically. I just think it's a broadcast issue. I think that hurts. I think it's a social media thing. I don't think it hurts. I'm with you.

That's where the signal's coming from. Otherwise, you would just be, these whiny people have always existed. We just didn't encounter them as frequently. Sure, but I think the more, I think we're arguing a different point. I'm saying the more you have, the more you complain. Yes. Like, who's going to complain more, The poor family out to dinner at the shitty restaurant or the rich cunt at the nice restaurant

who goes, ah, my Dom P is warm. It's room temperature. She's got more, so she's got more to complain about. Whereas the other family is just happy to be out at, you know, Sizzler. Yeah, that is definitely true. Yeah, we agree on that. But the access to complain, and now we can hear about it. Like Dave Chappelle said after his white supremacist sketch that he did with the blind guy,

he said he got bags and bags of letters about how this is wrong and racist and offensive and you should be ashamed of yourself. Bags of letters. And you're like, oh, we didn't even know about that because that didn't come up. Now it would be just a million tweets. Yes. Pre-Twitter. Well, you know, it's like levels of outrage and ambition to get your point across.

Right. How much ambition do you have? Do you really write that letter, get it in an envelope, get the stamp, find his address, send it to him, hope he reads it. You wrote it all out by hand. Really? Yeah. Like most people aren't.

But those are also the people that probably would obsessively tweet, Mark Norman, you fucking piece of shit. Oh, yeah. This is not how you form a joke. I that this is hate this is violence right and they'll just keep hitting you with like 30 40 of them yeah right that's the same level of ambition and drive that causes someone to write a letter to dave chappelle right 15 years ago and today they'll just storm tweet you yeah like. They're like this tweet storm of 10 different angry messages to you in a row. And those tweets hurt. I don't think people realize they sting. They just go, you're evil, and you're like, you don't even know me.

That's crazy. How cruel are you? Like, you're a bad person. I know you think you're a hero, but you're a douche. You're the problem. You should be yelled at. I just tried to make a joke. You're like, well, your joke hurt people. Yeah, but I wasn't trying to hurt people. You're the problem. You should be yelled at. I just tried to make a joke. You're like, well, your joke hurt people.

Yeah, but I wasn't trying to hurt people. You're trying to hurt me. Isn't that worse? I have no intent on hurting anyone. I'm just trying to be funny. Right. I don't get, and then we reward these twats. What are we doing? And that's all they're doing it for. They're just doing it for that weird

moment because they have nothing going on. They just want to pat themselves on the back. And also, if you hate my joke, go hate it. Tell your friends. Why do you have to publicly hate it? That's when I think it gets fishy. That's when I go, oh, so you just want the recognition that you hate it. That shows your moral superiority. You're not actually trying to save the world. You don't care about injustice. You just want to let other people know that you're on the right side Or quote unquote right side There's certainly a lot of that going on There's also a lot of people that

They just get offended And that's okay But they want you to know They want you to know that they're offended Yeah but sometimes they don't even at you This is what social media is for Sometimes they don't even at you They just go I'm pissed at this guy

And who's with me and all that. And you're like, well, talk to me. Just tell me how you feel and we'll work it out. I didn't mean to hurt you. Why are you telling everyone else? Why does this have to be public? That's where I raise an eyebrow. Well, maybe they couldn't figure out a way to get a hold of you privately.

Oh, I mean, we got Twitter. But even if they did, if someone's just complaining to you privately, you're going to go back and forth with this one person from one show? I used to. Yeah. And I gave it up because it's a volume issue. Right, right. You can't.

And the people that are more apt to complain are also more apt to be annoying. It's possible. Yeah, I can see that. The numbers go up at least in terms of percentages. It's a tool. That's what it is. It is. It's this new broadcast tool.

They're tools. And people are using it irresponsibly right and you know i think anybody using it to attack people i mean unless there's someone that really fucking deserves it like they're doing something that's threatening democracy of course of course or someone's health and life yeah so they're doxing people that you know and you want everybody to know, hey, we've got a criminal amongst us. Right, right. Other than that, there's just too much hate. It's a bandwidth issue for you as a human being.

I think you're right. I was explaining this to a friend talking about negative stuff. And I was like, if you spend, let's say your brain has 100 points of whatever the fuck it is that comprises your bandwidth if you think about something negative that you could avoid you have 10 points that are now dedicated to this stupid thing that's bouncing around in your head now you only have 90 points for all the things you love

maybe there's a few other things and then maybe you go on Twitter and you start arguing with people now it's 80% of your fucking bandwidth I know but if you avoid it then you start thinking A. am I a bitch for not standing up for myself and you start arguing with people. Now it's 80% of your fucking bandwidth. I know, but if you avoid it, then you start thinking, A, am I a bitch for not standing up for myself? Or B, am I out of the zeitgeist? Should I be a little bit in the zeitgeist and keep up with a few things? Am I out to lunch too much?

Am I out of touch? Both valid points. So then you got that to worry about. Yeah. But I just think it's, I don't know, it's kind of gross. That's why I like Andrew Yang. I'm voting for Yang all day. Yeah.

Because he got in, I don't want to bring up the whole SNL thing, because that's been done to death, but he emailed the guy or tweeted the guy and said, hey, let's talk. Like, I don't like what you did, but it's a teachable moment or whatever, and we can, let's see if you're really a bad guy. And I think that's the wokest thing of all. Instead of just going, fuck this guy, I'll kill him. The wokest thing is for the Asian guy to reach out and have a conversation.

Yeah, and he seems like a very sincere guy. I've had him on the podcast and I've talked to him. Andrew Yang is a very intelligent guy. Yang gang. But, you know, people would be suspicious, like, is he doing that to get attention? There's always going to be that.

Well, I'm, what do you call it, naive. Or you're optimistic. Or I'm optimistic. I'm not saying that I would think he was. But I did hear something. Uh-oh. Finally, this is true. Don't ruin my yang.

Did Andrew Yang say that the solution, one of the things to stop getting people to eat meat is to tax it so high and make it so expensive they don't want it anymore. Oh, no. I just, I can't believe that he really said that. It was one of those things in a Twitter tweet, and I looked at it on somebody else's page. I just, out of nowhere, saw it.

I was like, I don't want to look into this. Oh, no. Let me check it later. You're ruining my yang. No, listen, I enjoyed the shit out of talking to that guy. And I think he's right about universal basic income. I think we're going to run into a time where so many jobs are removed so quickly that people are going to be in a bad place. And I think that if there was something that could give them enough money for food and shelter and necessities so you could tide them over while they're looking for employment or try to change their life. I think it'd be good for everybody.

Yeah, hear, hear. I hear the arguments against it too, though. I'm not, you know, some people say it kills people's motivation. Right, there's that. They don't have purpose, they don't have meaning, they're just getting free money. We might have to check this live. I can't watch the video. It says,

and he says, government needs to target cattle, modify Americans' diet to eat less meat. Oh, now that's weird. I don't want you to tell me what to eat. Here's the thing, you can't say that, because there's people that would, I mean, he's going to experience this. There's a whole group online called Defending Beef that talks about ranchers and the way

people look at the cattle industry, and that a lot of it has been sort of distorted. And one cow feeds a lot of fucking people. Sure. I mean, a lot of fucking people from one cow. Yeah. And it's one death. I don't know if people consider a cow to be a better life than a mouse. Yeah, have some of the fun.

Use the whole buffalo is what I'm saying. Yeah, get in there. If the cow is supposed to have a more important life than a mouse, but if you're buying grain, I can guarantee you that there's mice that have died in the procuring of that grain. When they run that combine over those fields, all kinds of shit gets fucking chopped up in them. A lot of things die.

Animals get displaced. Pesticides kill them. When you see buzzards flying over fields after they they cut the crops down that's because there's dead animals all in there oh yeah a lot of them you know that's just that's a fact you know and if this idea that the way to stop people from uh killing is to make it to try to alter the american diet get them to stop eating meat like it's just it's not sustainable to look at it this way we're looking at it in a dishonest way yeah he doesn't know all the facts right he doesn't know all the facts in terms of like

nutrition value there's way more nutrition value in steak especially grass-fed steak sure then almost especially for the way your body digests proteins and enzymes. Like, this idea that a plant-based diet is all you need to go by, and that we all need to move on to that, that is not right for everybody. No, I agree. It's just not. Neither is a meat-eating diet.

That's not right for everybody either. Yeah. Some people are better off with just fish. Some people are better off. There's a lot of people that are vegetarians. They're fine. Oh, yeah. But for him to say that for the whole country,

you're wrong. Yeah, that's kooky. And there's people that are ranchers. They've been cattle ranchers forever. People buy their meat. They know what's happening. It's not like they're confused. They know the cow's going to die and then they're going to eat it. And everybody agrees that this is acceptable

and this is a part of being a human. And this is the cycle of life. Yeah. Now, you don't have to agree with that. But for you to say you're going to change the entire American diet, well, that's nonsense. You ain't changing shit. No, no. You're not changing shit.

I don't know if that's exactly how he said it. I don't think – reading it, I can't hear what he said, but I don't think it's exactly what he said. People get roped into propaganda. Yeah, that's scary. And I thought he was against propaganda. That's why I like – he's like a computer, you know. When you say it about the environment, this is a big one. This is really big.

Because they're always talking about the cattle industry and its effect on the environment. The farting. There's a fucking chart on Sean Baker's page, Dr. Sean Baker. The guy was the carnivore advocate. But it shows like in a pie chart how much of the methane that's produced and how much of the effect on the environment is because of the ranching and cattle industry. It's this tiny little sliver. Oh, really?

Tiny little sliver, yeah. Oh, they act like it's putting a hole in the ozone layer. Yeah, dude, it's fucking pollution, man. It's pollution. It's factories. It's cows. It's trucks and cars. There's something about the ozone layer, I think, I don't know if this is right, not

a scientist, that it's getting smaller for the first time In like 20 years It's probably from cow farts Cow farts are healing it Smaller is good I just don't like a guy who thinks he's going to fix the diet Of everybody Have you had any debates with people

Who are pro carnivore or pro omnivorous diet People that have changed their health because they started eating organ meats and they i mean there's a guy named chris kresser i've had him on my show a couple of times and he's he explains like what goes wrong with a vegetable based diet with a vegan diet with some people yeah some people have these nutritional deficiencies and it leads itself to chronic illness and it happened with him and he explains it. It doesn't mean that you can't live on a vegetable diet. The problem is people get cultish with this shit.

And they jump on, you know, they want you to think only the way they do and they have virtue in their way of living. The virtue is the problem. The vegans want you to think that they're doing right and they're causing no harm. Unless you're growing your own fucking vegetables in your own little organic backyard, you're definitely causing some harm. Are you causing less animal harm? Well, that's debatable. What about insects? Do you count insects?

Because they're getting smashed and crushed if you're getting large-scale grain operations. Yeah. Well, we do it all day long. But could you imagine if we took meat away? We'd have meat speakeasies and shit where we'd have to like hide meat they're doing in certain schools really yeah they're doing cool schools they're they're giving kids meatless meals it's fucking terrible for them really yeah for developing kids well cafeteria food was never top notch it's all dog shit right yeah yeah but they need some animal protein most kids do when

they're growing up. I mean, this is one of the reasons why vegans have been arrested for having malnourished babies. Oh, is that right? Yeah, you never heard of that? No, I don't read the news. It's really common. Wow. Vegans get arrested for having malnourished babies.

It's been in the news many times. Oh, jeez. Many different versions of it. That's terrifying. It's like you're not getting enough nutrients. I grew up on a lot of shellfish, and I've noticed a lot of my New York friends can't eat shellfish. Yeah, it's real common. Yeah.

It's a real common ailment. But it's so good. Imagine not having shrimp. I know. That's kooky. I would have to kill myself. We found out on Fear Factor that if you're allergic to shellfish, you're also allergic to roaches. What?

Yeah. I grew up with both of those. There you go. Not eating a roach, but we had a shitty house. We had an episode of Fear Factor. We served these people Madagascar hissing cockroaches, and this guy's throat started closing up. Just seeing it? Yes.

No. Just being around it? Because he ate one. Oh, he ate one? Yeah. Oh! So they have to call the EMT, and I think they shoot you up with adrenaline. Wow.

Yeah, did you have roaches in your house as a kid? Oh, yeah. Me too. They would fly. Remember that? I don't remember too many of them flying. That might be a New Orleans thing. I bet it was. be a louisiana thing yeah that's where you grew up yeah you grew up in new orleans i grew up in the heart of new orleans treme was the name of my

neighborhood uh theo vaughn was like more sticks outside of it but i was i was in the city and it was terrifying it was a rough and tumble city when i was there yeah my dad got a wild hair up his ass and bought a mansion a dilapidated mansion in a poor black neighborhood and you know like no running water for a while he turned the back half into a bed and breakfast because we ran out of money it was a it was a crate we got robbed all the time because we were the white family in the neighborhood and everybody thought we had money because of our big house so we got robbed constantly i walked in on a couple robberies as a kid. My alarm would go off at like 2 in the morning as an 8 year old. You just know there's a guy

in your living room scrapping around. It was bananas. I think that's why I'm so squirrely because that really fucked with me. Oh for sure. My bike got stolen all the time from under me. I had a transvestite nanny growing up named Enos. I know this sounds crazy.

They don't use that word anymore. What is that? Transvestite. Well, he wasn't trans. He just had women's clothing on. Right. Like Mrs. Doubtfire. Right, but they don't...

When was the last time you saw someone even refer to things that way? Well, what is it, drag queen? I don't know what you would call it now. I mean, it's... Like either you're trans or you're transgender or you're non-binary. What are you? He was a dude. He was a big black dude.

Right. He looked like Ving Rhames, but he would wear high heels and a wig. Yeah. And he would sweep the house. So was he trans? He had a dick.

I don't know. Can you say trans and then it's all inclusive? Transvestite and transgender? I guess. Why not, right? Yeah, but that's a big umbrella. I think they've abandoned transvestite.

But it has a meaning. It's the clothing, isn't it? Yes, but... I don't know. Is it out? Transvestism comes up on Wikipedia when I type. I love it. We've got to change three letters or else you're going to jail.

Transvestism. It's all about control. This language is all control. Well, it's certainly a big part of it Compliance Is a big part of what's going on Yes People get mad

Compliance They want you to comply They call it compassion Yeah No Okay Crossdresser Whatever

Where's the compassion for the guy who lost his gig? I'm sorry for getting lost in the weeds So you had a So I had a transgender A transvestite nanny And he taught me everything Like he taught me how to fight And put the seat up

And like go on a date with a girl And how to do this with a car yeah because my parents were were always working because the house was so big they had to afford it that's so ridiculous it was crazy man we had we had roaches and mice and we i remember we didn't have lights in the house we had those like mechanic lamps in your room that's how you really yeah like had a light in your room it was a weird way to grow up but then the back half was serene. It was like a bed and breakfast, and we had traveling musicians and Asian businessmen coming in. I tried to pitch this as a show, and everybody was like, this is too dark. Nobody would take it.

But the racial tension was insane. How many times do you guys think you get robbed? Oh, I mean, you get robbed real good, like six times a year. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. And you guys robbed real good, like six times a year. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And you guys stayed. Yeah. How about this?

So Enos was like my male role model, you know, this big black guy in a wig. And one time I was riding home from summer camp and, you know, these three street toughs, you know, were coming up next to me. Three of them like, hey, man, let us try your bike. And I was like, I'm good. You know, I knew try your bike. And I was like, ah, I'm good. You know, I knew what they wanted. And I was like, I'm good. No, thank you. And they're like, come on.

They're doing their back tire or their front tire against my back, you know, that move. Starting to skid me out a little bit. So I go, all right, all right. And these kids are 17. I'm probably like 13. And they're like, all right, let me just try it. So I remember I kept my hand on the handle. And he got on it.

And he's like, ah. And he just brushed my hand away and just went, check you, and rode off. And I was like, ah. So I ran I kept my hand on the handle, and he got on it, and he's like, ah! And he just brushed my hand away and just went, check ya, and rode off. And I was like, gah! So I ran home crying. And I got there, and Enos was like, what happened? I'm like, ah. A couple kids took my bike, and it was like the fourth time. So he was like, fuck that.

Get in the van. I'm like, ah, I'm good. I'm so defeated. It's so emasculating. You feel like a bitch. So I was like, ah, I'm good. He's he's like get in the van we had a big van and we're driving around the neighborhood looking for my bike i don't want to see these guys again i just want to let it go and he's like we're gonna find that bike we're driving around and we go some back streets and we see these kids on a stoop like

taking it apart you know because you gotta camouflage it a little so i'm like and he's like is that your bike i'm like yeah i'm slunched down in shotgun. Like, yeah, it's my bike. Let's get out of here. Fuck it. Abort. And he goes up to these guys. He walks up to these guys, and he's wearing high heels, a wig, and like a V-neck, and he looks weird. It's the 90s. And he goes up

to these guys, and they're all going, ah! They all lose it, because they're like, look at this fucking fag. They're all going crazy, and they're flipping out and calling them names and stuff. And this guy was stone cold, and he goes, that's not your bike. And they're like, look at this fucking fag. They're all going crazy. And they're flipping out and calling them names and stuff. And this guy was stone cold. And he goes, that's not your bike. And they go, what are you going to do about it? And this is like five kids with tools, you know.

And he goes, I'm going to take it back. And they were like, I don't think you are, or whatever. And I remember he put his hand on the middle bar of the bike just to kind of see what happened. Looked him in the eye. Yanked it. And he said, that's what I thought. Threw the bike over his shoulder walked to the van slid the door open threw it in close the door we drove home whoa unbelievable i mean talk about a 13 year old seeing like that's like oh that's what a man is that was that changed my life wow unbelievable i never rode it again

mind you what if they beat him to death with wrenches And you're stuck In the van crying I would have learned To drive real quick But No I mean Did he leave the keys I think he did

Yeah I think it was running But I just Because you know When you're a kid And you see these bully types You're just like

I could never beat them Yeah And then to see someone Beat them Was so It was mind boggling i i i loved him ever since then i mean i loved him before but uh he's still in touch with him now he died he got killed in a sexual encounter oh like he was hooking up with a guy and the dong came out and the guy

flipped and killed him yeah he was like a burlesque dancer by night night, so he got into his, you know, New Orleans is a wild devil of a lady. But, yeah, he was a good egg, and I needed him growing up because I had no parents around, you know? Wow. My parents are weird. I don't know if you noticed, but I can't make eye contact. I've been doing it pretty good, but, yeah, I don't know. I don't know how to connect. But that Enos stuff was great.

He was a cool dude. You've always had that with your parents? Did they do that with you as well? They don't connect with you? Yeah, they're like military, tough, you know. You know, they provide it and all that. But I think that's why I like comedy. Because, you know, the audience laughs and you go, hey, hey, we're feeling this.

There's something happening here. Yeah, right, right. And I like the truth of comedy because you go, okay, I'm not crazy. We're all agreeance. Yeah. Because a laugh is kind of an agreeance in a weird way. Yeah. Yeah, everybody's like, right?

Yeah, exactly. Or else, that's why the involuntariness of a laugh is like interesting because you like you couldn't help it you fucked that word up so much I forgot what the real word was involuntary involuntariness of it

is that a word involuntariness probably not involuntary ability yeah involuntary involuntary I think it would just be involuntary

I guess the involuntary response ah yeah okay yeah the involuntary response I guess the involuntary... Response? Yeah, okay. Yeah, the involuntary response is so you can't help it that... Yeah. Is that a word? Involuntariness. Wow!

That's public school, folks. Look at that. Involuntariness. I love that. I don't think I've ever heard that before. Have you ever heard it before? It's with an I instead of a Y. Wow, look at it there.

There you go. See, we're learning. Love of language ever heard it before? It's with an I instead of a Y. Wow, look at it there. There you go. See, we're learning. Love of language. Bring it back. Boy, it doesn't even look right. If someone sent me that in a text, I'd be like, you verbose piece of shit. Verbose is not bad either there, Fatty. Who are you trying to?

That's pretty good. Involuntariness. Yeah. Wow. I know. Acting or done without one's will. An involuntary participant in what turned out to be an argument. Yeah. Wow. I know, that's... Acting or done without one's will. An involuntary participant in what turned out to be an argument. There you go.

Interesting. Look at that. We're learning. We are fucking learning here. But yeah, you've been in New Orleans before, huh? I loved it. It's a weird city. I did a gig there a couple years ago was the last time I was there, I think.

Maybe two years ago. Not the best crowds, if I'm being honest. Because comedy's not our thing. there, I think. Maybe two years ago? Not the best crowds, if I'm being honest. Comedy's not our thing. We like strippers and booze and parties and brothels and all that, but Mardi Gras, jazz,

comedy's not ours. It was fun. I enjoyed it. I had a good time. I was there once. I did a House of Blues there, and then after my show, there was a burlesque show, and I stuck around to watch the burlesque show, and I just didn't quite get it. Yeah, burlesque sucks.

It seemed like... Let's be honest. Yeah. It's like, just either strip or become a real dancer. It was confusing. You're taking something off, but it's not all the way, so the whole thing is a tease. Well, it's also like, why are you dancing that way? What is this yeah

right is it sexy is it not sexy am i gay my yeah what's also my own head i'm like why do i give a fuck people like it's very indulgent yeah it feels like this is all for you this should be an even even thing here i should be entertained right but also some people must enjoy it they have burlesque show so why do i give a fuck if other people enjoy what I think is dumb? No, I don't care if they enjoy it. I just... I do. Oh.

I get mad at them. Well, they can do whatever the hell they want. They got bad taste. I mean, I'm just upset at myself for wanting to know why. Why people... When there's certain things that people like that I don't like, I want to know why. I guess I have that, too. I'm like, what do you see in that comic?

Sure. Really? Oh, yeah, for sure. That guy? Or that gal? Yeah. Yeah, when you, if you have to follow someone that's terrible and the audience is laughing, you have disdain for them.

Completely. Did you really laugh at that? Yes. That nonsense? I know. And movies too. I mean, but then we all have our guilty pleasure bullshit too, don't we? For sure.

We all have our thing we like, so you got to be sympathetic. Yeah, man. Empathetic. It's less time worrying about what other people like. Yeah. Live your life. I think there's a lot of people just looking for problems. Oh, for sure.

Dude. They're not that big. I just want, have you seen the documentary They Shall Never Grow Old? Do you want a fake beer? Sure. This is a Heineken Zero Alright Tastes like Heineken

Alright Doesn't have any alcohol in it But we're drinking alcohol You ever try that White Claw by the way? Yes Woo That stuff's exciting That's exciting

It's exciting when a new thing is invented Remember when Red Bull was new? Yeah That was exciting Now Uber Now White Claw Yeah I love White Claw

What exactly is in it? That's like a lot of people forgot about Zima. Ever existed. I liked Zima. You were the one. I would drink Zima. People would get mad at me. They'd say it's not manly enough.

I'm like, I wear a fanny pack, too. I don't give a fuck. I like Zima. It's just hard Stelzer water. Tastes good. Yeah, and it's less filling. Why is it supposed to be manly to drink something that tastes like shit? Like, what is that?

Well, how did wine coolers go for guys in the 90s and 80s? Well, that's all sugar. Yeah, but if you were a guy and you were into wine coolers, you cried a lot. You were into James Taylor. Yeah. You wanted to do picnics. You fucking meticulously make a picnic. Fucking alcohol, though, right?

Yeah, yeah. Barely. Barely. If you did that, man, you're into wine coolers. The girl's going to leave you. It's true, and that's the weird thing about it. Oh, we should all have emotions, but yet there's a little tinge in your vag when I pop a wine cooler. That's not good.

It's drying up. They want you to have a level of emotions. Yeah, well, that's... Just to know you care. Exactly. That's what makes us interesting, is we're different. We like to go pretend like we're the same, but if we're the same, how come men suck? Yeah, when the shit hits the fan, you're going to want us around. Right, right, same. But if we're the same, how come men suck? Yeah.

When the shit hits the fan, you're going to want us around. Right, right, right. Wine's okay, though. Wine's fine. Wine's cool. Wine's sophisticated. Wine tastes like shit. I hate wine.

I'm with you. I mean, you can't drink wine the way you could drink, like, 7-Up. You know, 7-Up, you could just throw back a glass of 7-Up. You can't drink wine like that. I mean, you could, for sure. There's 7-Up. You can't drink wine like that. I mean, you could, for sure. There's actually a couple. You could get squirrely. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like have a fucking crazy Chardonnay, drink a bottle. Oh, sure. Oh, fuck what I do. We're not saying that. We're just saying it sucks. First of all, Chardonnay's not wine. That's girls' wine. Okay.

Okay. All right. But red wine. Like, no one drinks a glass of red wine like a 7-Up. You know what I mean? Yeah, maybe like a wino. Yeah, like an iced tea. You drink an iced tea, you drink the iced tea. Yes. You never drink wine like a 7-Up. You know what I mean? Yeah, maybe like a wino. Yeah, like an iced tea. You drink an iced tea, you drink the iced tea.

You never drink wine like that. It makes you thirstier. You sip it. You enjoy it. I like it that way. I enjoy wine. I don't like it. It doesn't taste good in terms of like it's a different kind of taste. I enjoy the taste. It makes my tongue

thick. I don't like it You know what I mean? I hate that It's like a brick of wood and you get the purple lips The red teeth I understand, I feel you, I know what you're saying But see this movie It's gonna change it, I saw it on the plane I was blowing my mind on the plane here

There it is I know we're getting into like dude shit here And I sound like an asshole Peter Jackson did it It's so well done There it is. I know we're getting into, like, dude shit here, and I sound like an asshole, but... Peter Jackson. Peter Jackson did it. It's so well done. It's unbelievable.

The footage they have of World War I is unbelievable. And I'm not, like, a war buff or anything. It's unbelievable what these people went through and how they joked through it and how they had smiles and how they had to shit themselves and they got gangrene and they couldn't clip their toenails. But the camaraderie and the fact that they wanted to go to war, you talk about having goals. They're like, I got nothing going on. The factory's closed.

I'm going to war. Fuck it. And they all died. Like, you know, 80% of them died. But the ones that came back, they're like, I saw my best friend next to me. They all talked to the old people. You never hear this shit. It's amazing, this footage they have.

Unbelievable. This is them practicing. This is nothing. But footage they have. Unbelievable. This is them practicing. This is nothing. But when they get into the shit, they show it. They got footage of people's heads blowing off and just the fear in their eyes. These are 19-year-old kids smoking cigarettes. Their fingers are shaking. And you're like, I can barely...

I'm nervous to make a phone call. I don't want to check my voicemails. Oh, look at their teeth. They're British, first of all. Their teeth are fucked. Back that up, though. Back that up. Look at their fucking teeth. Look at these guys. Well, look at their teeth. They're British, first of all. Their teeth are fucked. Back that up, though. Back that up. Look at their fucking teeth.

Look at these guys. Well, they don't have a toothpaste out there. Look at that. Look at their teeth. These are kids that are living out in the land. Look at their fucking teeth. They got one uniform for four years. One uniform.

Wow. The boots were hell. I mean, the cigarettes were currency. It was crazy. Your rifle was your best friend. I mean, it makes you realize how weak you are and how tough they were. And look, that's for mustard gas. Now they got to walk the blind guys around.

Like, everything was a thing. They had to dig trenches every day. It was brutal. Look at that. Come on. The rats. My God, the rats. Wow.

Yeah, crazy. And then the stench of the dead horses they said was indescribable i mean it's how long was the movie oh you know it's an hour and change fuck this is their day off they sit on their day off they didn't know what to do they just was like we just were shot at for four years and bombed at and now we're sitting here and they said it was just silence the whole day they didn't know what to talk about or what like that's them playing they're trying to make the most of it the guy said it was weird how much comedy came up because you needed it. You were so miserable.

Oh, dude, you got to see it. Wow. This should be required viewing. That guy just shot his own helmet off on accident. Now they got a beer. I mean, it's crazy. The gas mask. I don't know who that kid is.

That's them burying. I mean, it's unbelievable. The footage. I can't believe they pulled this footage together. Wow. I don't know who that kid is. That's them burying. I mean, it's unbelievable. The footage. I can't believe they pulled this footage together. Wow. I'm really talking it up. And I'm not a war guy. But it's so well done.

It should be required viewing in every school. Well, that's about as far back as we can go. Maybe. With film? Maybe. With film. What was the earliest film? It was like the late 1800s, right?

Was that the earliest film? Yeah. like the late 1800s, right? Was that the earliest film? Yeah. And as far as, like, historical events, like war, that's probably as far back as we can go. There can't be a lot of sound to have then, right? A little bit. Not much. Not much. All narration.

Okay. Yeah. If you think about historical events that were documented, like, how far back did they go before World War I? It's about... Yeah, that's 1914, so... God damn. Probably nothing. Maybe some reels like that spinny cinescope thing that's a window in time you know oh yeah they had nothing going on

and the weird thing is they said when they came back nobody gave a fuck they're like i just saw this and people were like yeah yeah yeah we're doing this now and he's like i just gave my life for you and this and everybody's like yeah what eh, what are you going to do? That's weird. They had a different appreciation for life. And the guys that do wind up going to war, one of the things that they – you know who Sebastian Younger is? He's a journalist who wrote books on war. And he wrote a book called Tribe. It's a really interesting book. It talked a lot about this sort of thing that happens with these guys like um

hurt locker remember the guy wanted to go back yeah like the the sense of camaraderie and of being alive and the excitement of life it's like this heightened state like so many of them describe wartime this horrific time as some of the most memorable moments of their life the happiest moments of their life for their the most attached to their brothers and their comrades. Right. It boils everything down to the basics of survival, and I think we've kind of lost that. Now we have so much, you know, we got Dine and Dash or whatever the hell you said. Diner Dash, whatever.

You know, the McDonald's is coming right to you. Yeah, like you don't have to, the survival, we've cushioned it so much that we're sitting up here on eight blankets, eight mattresses, where it used to be just you're on the floor. Yeah, and I think the heightened experience of knowing that life is fleeting and seeing people die around you. I had a friend of mine who was from Israel, and he was always laughing and dancing and playing bongo drums and shit like this. And I said, why? I go, is this where you're from in Israel? Is it like this?

He goes, yes, everybody party, party. I go, why? He goes, because tomorrow you could be dead. There you go. Tomorrow you could be dead. Exactly. Everybody party, party. What did I say?

The more you have, the more you complain. These guys are like, hey, we could die at any moment. We get bombed. Let's live, baby. It gives people a feeling of all the systems are firing. I think one of the things about people with sedentary lifestyles and no goals and no activity in their life is your body just starts to fall apart. It doesn't want to live like that. It just doesn't want it.

And then it starts feeling bad all the time. It just feels shitty. Yes. It's like a dog almost, not to compare us to dogs, but if you don't give the dog, you know, the dog wants to hear what to do a little bit, you know? You got to give it a little bit of order or else it's just like biting his own tail. They need activity. Yes.

They have a lot of energy. Totally. We do too. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. But we're trying to take energy away. Like everything is built, like the internet, you can just sit there all day. It's not good for people. You don't need to go outside yeah that's not good for people it's not good for

people also to be in these weird virtual environments all day long yes talking to people without actually talking to people completely i mean this is why the moped is so i'm on that thing i get the wind in my hair i get off the moped i'm on stage like whoo i'm alive baby yeah you know i got that kiss of wind And I'm on stage talking to random strangers Then somebody hands you a wad of cash You jump back on the moped You go bang your girlfriend Have a beer

Living baby Yeah I love it Those are real experiences That's one of the reasons why people still love comedy Yes It's a live, real experience. We're the entertainment. We're cockroaches of the entertainment world.

You can't bomb us. We'll keep coming back because you need the truth, folks. You need action movies and you need comedy. Those are two stalwarts. Yeah, John Wick is going strong. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's the most murderous movie of all time. And the time where everybody wants to get rid of guns.

This guy kills everybody. Right. Right. Exactly. It's the number one movie and everybody loves him i know everybody loves keanu reeves he seems like probably the nicest guy that's ever existed i know he seems like a cool dude and uh he's got uh what is it uh he's got a motorcycle collection yeah he well he's a yeah he's a aficionado that's the only thing that bummed me out about john wick three is there's no muscle cars oh yeah how come you have no muscle cars? Boy, see. That was part of the problem.

I see your fame and whatnot, and the cars are what really makes me. I don't care. I don't need money or fame. I don't care about any of that. I don't even want to be famous. I'd rather have an anonymous. Anonymous? Yeah.

Anonymous. Sorry, J-Mo. Anonymous life. There's coffee and the booze and the non-alcoholic. I don't want to be there. I was talking to Ari. He's like, I want to go to a music fest, lay in the grass, and not have somebody go, can I get a photo? And I said, yes,

I'm with you. So, you're huge. You're famous, man. That scares me. But when you pulled up, I didn't want to tell you this. I was jizzing a little. I was walking to the comedy store to do some bullshit in the belly room, work on my Uber bit, and you pulled up in that fucking

Chevy Corvette, the silver one, the Stingray. That thing, oh my god, I jizzed and my twat leaked. It was so hot. And then you pulled in, you parked it, and I was like, now that's what I want. I want to have a cool car.

That's why I bought the moped, too. It kind of satiated that car thing. But I want a 69 Porsche 911 Irish green tan interior. 69? You want the long hood. Yeah. I like the old stuff. It looks better to me. Me, too.

Yeah. Hashtag. Yeah. They'll take those, and they'll put really good motors in them now, too. That's the Singer shit. Yeah. The Singer shit, but there's also a bunch of companies that do it in a way where you can drive it everywhere. The problem with the Singer is you're dealing with a half a million dollar car. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the coolest looking car to me. I love that fucking car. It's cute, but also got balls and also sexy. It's got everything to me. There's a bunch of guys who take those cars and they hot rod them out. Yeah, I don't need all that. They take a 993 engine and they put it in there so it has more power. Yeah, I just want

it to be a driver. I want to go back and forth daily with it. Can they do that? Oh, for sure. It'll actually probably be more reliable than these old engines. I would imagine. If you get in a car with an old engine, unless it's all been completely refurbished,

you're dealing with 150,000, 200,000 miles. I mean, who knows how many miles it is. Yeah, of course. But I grew up, when I was a kid, I bought a 71 Cutlass Convertible Supreme, and it was the coolest car ever, but it would break down, you know, once a month. And I'd be at a bar like, shit!

And it was so embarrassing, I'd have to push it around the block so I could start it and try to play with it. Because you didn't want to start outside the bar. Your friends would laugh at you. Yeah. So I would have to tinker with it. And it was fucking brutal.

And I always thought, if I ever got rich, I'm going to buy a nice car and just put a good engine in it. Because these things, they're so fickle. Yeah. But it's like, that's your dream car is a 69 Porsche? Well, right now. Because I'm not very financially stable, so that's probably my ceiling. But I could probably go crazier. That would be a good one to drive around in Manhattan, too.

Yeah. Keep it small. Oh. Park it places. Oh, God, my dream. Do you know how to drive one of those fuckers? Could you teach me stick? You don't know how to drive a stick?

I drove stick, like. You don't want to learn on a Porsche. Well, obviously. Maybe I'll get a rental. You want to get a rental car. Yeah, just tear that thing up. You can still get rental cars with a stick shift. It don't want to learn on a Porsche. Well, obviously. Maybe I'll get a rental. You want to get a rental car. Yeah, just tear that thing up. You can still get rental cars with a stick shift. It's not hard to learn.

You can learn in five minutes. No. Yes. I did it once or twice. I don't know. It seems... No, listen. I can teach you in 10.

Guaranteed. Let's film that. Yeah. That could be a fun video. You don't want to do one that's hard. But, you know, a Porsche, like especially an old one, it's their hinge on the floor it's a different setup yeah like the ones that most of them are coming like the way porsches are it's like on a hinge it's it feels different all the the things are they're connected at the bottom instead of connected and dropping down like on a modern car

everything drops down right push it you have to learn that that feels a little bit different and then you know like those those cars are tricky are they yeah yeah yeah you you have to learn how to drive them like there's something called lift throttle oversteer so if you're taking a turn with an old 911 and on the turn you let off the gas your ass and it'll kick out what yeah yeah it's called lift throttle oversteer and it's because they're a rear engine car They're not a mid-engine car They're a rear engine car The engine is actually behind the tires

So there's something that happens As you're going around a corner When you let off the gas, it just wants to spin And they didn't have much grip either The problem with those ones Versus the hot rod ones Is they had little skinny ass fucking tires because that's all anybody had back then.

Those tires suck dick. Yeah. They're not good. You want fat, grippy. Yeah. You know, you want a Toyo or a Michelin or a fucking, you know, a killer R compound tire. Right. So you could drive around corners and, you know, get some real fucking traction.

All right. Because that thing, you have to learn how to drive that thing. It's not a regular car. I thought they were the best drivers. Everybody says, yeah, Porsche. Nothing drives like a Porsche. The new ones, sure, if you got a new one. Yeah, they drive amazing.

And those things are interesting. What they are is really mechanical. I have an old one out there. What? I didn't see it. A 93 RS America. Oh, nice. It's really light. It's got a roll cage in it.

No air conditioning, no radio, no nothing. It's all just engine and fun. Oh, boy. But that car is tricky. Yeah. There's no traction control. The first time I drove it around the corner, I said, let me see what it's like when I lay off the gas in mid-corner.

It's like, yo! Oh, really? Yeah. So do you kind of hate driving it no no i had it tightened up a company called shark works did a bunch of things to it and tighten up the suspension and we changed the tires got a grippier fatter tire and it's just they're just the thing about those cars is so thrilling especially a car that doesn't have uh automatic or power steering and it has a manual transmission so it's all you steer you feel every fucking bump

of the road like yeah you're attached to that there's no numbness in the steering right it's alive and it's the rear engine so the front end is kind of light yeah yeah you can move it around pretty good even though it doesn't have uh power steering oh and then you hear the gears, and it's all air-cooled, so it's like... Like you hear gears and shit. It's a crazy sounding engine. Anyone else hard? They make me hard. Yeah. That's the most viscerally thrilling car to drive.

It's not nearly as fast as my Tesla. The Tesla buries all of them. I know, but the Tesla has no soul, it feels like to me. It feels so electric. And I got nothing against electric, but it doesn't feel like a machine. It feels like, it's like a vacuum cleaner or something. Have you driven one? Of course not.

Yeah, that's the thing. I've never been in one. I was, we got one out. I'll let you drive mine. What? Yeah. Come on. Dude, JMO, witness.

When you drive it, it makes you feel like, oh, okay. Other cars are just stupid. Other cars are a stupid idea. Really? Oh my god. It doesn't make any sense. Because there's no gears, right? It doesn't go first, second, third, fourth. It doesn't do that. It just goes... And when it goes...

It does that faster than anything you've ever been in your life. It does it like rollercoaster fast. This is how fast it is. They just did a Nürburgring time. The Nürburgring is this famous track in Germany. just did a nurburgring time the nurburgring is uh this famous track in germany yeah this is a very very famous track where times of cars speeding around the nurburgring has always been like the benchmark okay like the mile a four minute mile it's a big deal like i have a gt3 rs which is a like really essentially a race car for the street. And that supposedly goes around the Nürburgring,

I think somewhere in the neighborhood of 7 minutes and 40-something seconds. This new Tesla just did it 7 minutes and 20 seconds. Oh, wow. So that's 20-plus seconds faster than a Porsche race car. That's insane because it doesn't have to shift. It doesn't have to shift, and it has this crazy power. The power and the acceleration is not like anything I've ever

experienced in my life. Wow. I've had all kinds of muscle cars. I've had all kinds of different things, like, you know, I've had big cars and small cars. That thing's a totally different animal. Yeah. It's a totally different animal. This is all news to me. I thought Tesla went bankrupt. It's fucking nuts. We're doing these shows tonight to me. I thought Tesla went bankrupt. It's fucking nuts.

We're doing these shows tonight. I'll bring it and then afterwards we'll drive it. Don't bend over backwards for me. You need experience. I feel like a salesman. Apparently it's capable of doing that 720. It did it. What do you mean?

It says it's possible. It broke down. It did a 724. It broke down when? During. No. What do you mean? It says it's possible. It broke down. It did a 724. I'm looking at it right now. It broke down. It broke down when? During the race. What?

It's not a race. Or during the time trial. Look, this is a Porsche Pass. Well, they definitely completed one. But hold on a second. They completed a Porsche Pass? Are they racing? Watch a video of a Porsche Pass and a broke down Tesla on the Nürburgring.

This is bad. Today's Tesla? They're doing okay this is worse for elon than the weed smoking no it makes sense all right you if you're going around a track on a car that has a it's all batteries and heats up they they had real concerns about that this is their tweet says it can't achieve it it didn't say they did achieve it well how do we know if it can if it didn't data from our track tech indicates but i thought they had a second one with some improvements 705 maybe possible but they definitely did 723 or something like that which is still insanely

impressive yeah yeah so pull up uh nurburgring laps 723 but no there's more than one test this was the second they started doing it a couple of days ago what they're trying to do is beat Porsche's electric car Porsche has this badass new electric car that they just came out one Tesla completed that lap at a very unofficial time of 723

how does it say very unofficial how does that mean so like they probably left it to Tesla to measure it maybe that's probably what it says very unofficial how's that mean i don't know so like it probably left it to tesla to measure it maybe right that's probably what it means not a judge how does do you know anything about nurburgring i just from playing in video games it's one of the best in the video games it's a dope track in the video game do they make you uh do they have an official that gives you like the ready set go like how do they do that it'd be like- In a video game. Like Gran Turismo or something like that. That makes sense.

You would have to have an official. You couldn't trust. Look, companies lie about how much their gas guzzlers, their cars are. Didn't that happen with Volkswagen? They lied about the gas mileage. Yes, they got in trouble for that. Was it emissions or gas mileage?

I think it was emissions. Yes, right so companies will so definitely lie about their acceleration informally timed informally timed on the circuit at 7 23 stopwatch was timing but made by a correspondent of the german publication automotor and sport oh okay so they at least had a journalist that was doing it the tesla did have the advantage of using race compound tires that doesn't account for the almost 20 second advantage over the porsche tycan publicized lap time 742 yeah they're a burger i've got anyway even the porsche one that's 742 that is fucking insanely fast for a four-door car yeah that's insanely crazy so they're all insanely fast and if you could find the difference between the Tesla and the Porsche in daily driving,

I think you're an asshole because you're probably driving way too fucking fast. If you could tell the difference between 723, which is insane, and 747. Right. That sucks that it broke down, though. Well. But I think those things overheat. Uh-oh. But I think you're not supposed to drive them like that.

I think you're supposed to drive them like you would drive a regular car. Still pretty cool that it did it. Yeah, it's pretty incredible. And this is like, the

reality of electric cars is that we're basically in like sort of a fetal stage or, you know, we're in like a grammar school stage. Yeah. There's going to be a

college athlete and an Olympic stage. We got a ways to go. Yeah. They're really just getting going with this shit and if they made some breakthroughs with um with batteries like the amount of juice you can get out of a battery yeah if they did that and had them like thousands of miles of range instead of like the really good one today i think is like 3 I think, is the most you can get. 315 miles. Oh, okay.

But that's if you don't drive like a dick. Right, right. Well, let me... Oops, sorry, JMO. I just recently heard through something I was looking up someone else mentioned on the podcast the other day. It's something about solid-state batteries being worked on right now. Have you ever heard anything about that? No.

Because it sounds like it would be useful for this. And I don't even understand. What does that mean? I don't know. It's like how solid state hard drives are completely different from okay moving hard drive it's just maybe the same kind of thing i don't that's where i really didn't understand i was looking it up and i felt like i fell in the simulation because the guy's name is good enough he's a scientist literally good enough he's 97 years old and he's done a bunch of I mean how much

Think about how much You need batteries And how little Do you know about batteries I don't know jack shit About batteries Come on Who does

I have a I can hear the new I had a new iPhone Got a good battery Right It's gonna give me more time Well let me Before I have to plug in

Let me throw this one at you Sloppy Joe They say You should never buy Your dream car Because then You got nowhere to go from there. That's nonsense. You think so? Those people are assholes.

I mean, there could be something to it. That's like a Dalai Lama bullshit. Nonsense. All right. Nonsense. You want to have something to strive for. You got nothing to strive. No, you just enjoy it.

You don't have to do that. I strive to write better jokes. I strive to do better sets. But that's not But that's never ending That's the beauty of it It's never going to end Yeah the car thing is just Cars are just cool

They don't stop being cool Dude I park that Corvette And I get out and look at it And go fuck Look at this thing Yeah That's what I do Dude when you pull up

The light was The sunset boulevard lights Were glimmering off it It was pretty juicy The 1965 Corvette Like that shape. Yeah. They just nailed it.

But that's, again, that's no committee. That's just some guy designing. I feel like everything now is so cornered and curved and boring. Well, they have to be aerodynamic now. And also, we rely on them to get these good lap times. Wow. I don't even think they released the Corvette's lap time on the Nurburgring. I don't even think they released the Corvette's lap time on the Nurburgring.

I don't think they released an official lap time for the Z51 or the Z06 or even the ZR1. I don't think the big league Corvette, I don't think they ever released a lap time. That's a big track. Like if you want to compete with Porsche or, you know, there's other major sports car brands, a company has to release a lap time with an urban ring. Or at least some with Laguna Seca. You have to have, you know, there's the freeway. There's one in Atlanta that's really good, too.

Uh-huh. Road America. There's a video of them doing it, but they didn't release the time, I guess. Yeah. Well, then it must not have been good. I mean, it's real simple. See, the speed. Yeah. You know?

The speed is cool, but this car looks silly to me. Does it? Yeah, this is like a, I don't mean, it's real simple. See, the speed... You know? The speed is cool, but this car looks silly to me. Does it? Yeah, this is like a... I don't know. It's silly. It looks like a joke to me. Really? Yeah, I mean, to me, this is too much. This is retarded. What does it look like if you've seen it pull up a black one? There's no style. You don't think that looks good?

I mean, the style... This is like gaudy and over the top. I don't know. To me, this is not sexy. I like subtle. Okay, so you like old classic looking muscle cars. Yes, yes. There's some art to it. This just looks like- When John Wick was driving that 1970 Chevelle, you're like, fuck.

Oh, love that. Love that. Love that. That 70 Chevelle, white with the black stripes. God damn, that's a car. Baby doll. That's a car. That 70 Chevelle, white with the black stripes. God damn, that's a car. Oh, baby doll. That's a car. That's a fun time.

But when I bought that car as a teen, a 71 Cutlass, it looked so good. But then the reality hits you like, this thing's fucked up. The alternator sucks. And then the starter breaks. And then the rust and all that. I didn't think about all that as a kid. There he is right there. Oh, man.

Look at that fucking car. See, if you have the money, you can just keep that car up. Yeah, well, that's the classic one, too. The black with white stripes. That is like, when I was a kid, one of the buddies in my neighborhood, his friend had a black with white stripes Chevelle, and he gave me a ride. Really? I remember thinking about being in this guy's car, like, how own this yeah how do you sleep exactly knowing that you have a 1970

chevelle in your garage how do you sleep i would just get up in the middle of night and touch it i know get up in the middle of that car right there with the fucking the black with the white stripes that he when he slammed into that motorcycle rider he was hauling ass all around the town that's an incredible car. I remember having a car when you were a kid. Look at that city bank. That ruins that whole fucking shot right there. I didn't even notice it.

Yeah, I'm an animal. But the thing about when you have a car as a kid, it was such a big deal. You cleaned it. Remember you liked cleaning it. It was like fun. You got in there and you changed the oil and you fucked with the tires and you rotated them. You loved it. It was, you loved it. It was like a thing.

You loved. You know what would fuck me up, though? I bought an Audi Fox. I had a neighbor that had a, like it was a 1972 or something like that, Audi Fox. It was pretty cheap. I don't know Audi Fox. It was a weird little tiny car that was manual transmission. Yeah, that was exactly what it looked like.

Oh, look how cute. I had a tan one. I had one that was basically the color. Looks like Brad Williams. Right to the left of that picture, right below that one. Yeah, that color. That was basically the color that I had. The brown?

Pretty much. It was like a tan. It wasn't that gross looking. Yeah, yeah. It's like a tan Audi Fox. Four-door? I think it was a two-door. Did they make it a two-door? Yeah, it was a two-door. That's it. That's it right there. That's kind of got a tan Audi Fox. Four-door? I think it was a two-door. Did they make it a two-door?

Yeah, it was a two-door. That's it. That's it right there. That's kind of got a style to it. It's got subtle lines on it. But what I learned is that little cars handle so much better. Yeah. I drove that little car around.

I was like, oh, these other cars that I'm driving, these muscle cars, are pigs. Right, right. You could really jerk that thing around some turns. Well, it was a front-wheel drive car, too, if I remember correctly. I'm pretty sure it was front engine. Front engine, front-wheel drive, and it, like, pulled around. Yeah. It's like pulling the car instead of pushing the car.

Right, right. And I was like, oh, this is a smarter way to do it. You know what's a version of the car. It's similar to that that I love. It'd be my number two is the BMW 2002. Oh, yes. Like a 71ii. Oh, that car is sexy. That's a sexy car.

Well, you know. There it is, TII. Have you seen that Bronco that I have, that Icon Bronco? That is so slick. The Bronco, like the OJ? No, no, no. It's an old Bronco. The point so slick. Icon, the Bronco. Like the OJ? No, no, no. It's an old Bronco. Oh.

The point is, it's from a, put that picture back up. There's a company, this company Icon is going to take one of those. Uh-huh. And they're going to put a 2018 or 19 chassis and engine from the 2 Series BMW. That's heaven. So that little tiny little car will have probably a 350 horsepower engine and a modern suspension and modern brakes and modern transmission. He's in the process of building the first version of that right now.

He's a wizard. He does really cool shit with cars. Yeah. So they're going to take it. Look at that. Good looking. There's a guy from Bavarian Workshop, Mark from Bavarian Workshop, put together a car that's similar to that. He put an M3 engine in an older 2002, and I actually saw it the other day.

It was parked in front of his shop. Yeah, that's it. It was on Jay Leno's garage. That's exactly it. That car is radical. That is a lunch car. Back up a little bit. Back up a little bit.

Yeah, that's it. That's it. There's Mark right there. That's Mark Norris. Oh, similar name. Yeah. He made this dope car. Were you nervous about beating Big Jay Leno?

No, I've met him before. He's really nice. He's always been nice.'ve met him before he's really nice he's always been nice i know but he's like a comedy man massachusetts comedy god you know the tonight show and then now this car god so he's like two loves he does have that but man he is so much more comfortable and like happy talking about cars yeah when he was on the tonight show he's basically like you know hey here's this guy. Oh, yeah, that was bad. You ever hear the Hicks bit? Yeah, of course, of course.

With Joey Lawrence. Hey, you got a girlfriend? Well, sort of. She doesn't know. Yeah. He pulls out a gun and blows his brains out. His brains form an NBC peacock. Yeah.

Because he's a company man to the bitter end. And he's got an ooze in his mouth and he keeps changing clips the older guys like leno and simon they're so much more zen now they don't have to instagram and all that shit they don't care they don't podcast they don't do any of this shit they don't do stories and tweets and they seem like i've hung out with simon i don't want to say we're buddies but i've hung out with him a few times because of comedy. And he's like wise and he does TM, you know, and he doesn't drink and he's like centered and he's got a family and he loves comedy and he's got his money. And it's just he's a good guy to look up to as a comedian and like a business person where you want to be and a man, where you want to be in life and how you want to be and what you want to be like.

Have you heard about how I met him? No. Oh, dude. He was my guy. I was doing him when I started, and it was embarrassing. Did you do a guy in the beginning? Yeah, I did Jenny. Okay. I caught myself on stage once going, oh. Yes. Sounds exactly like him. I did an open

mic in New Yorkork and in new york they were ruthless and uh i went on i was walking to the mic and some kid in the back went and it fucking crushed me because he was mocking me leveled me because he was right and i after the ever since that day i chewed him out on the mic but i also changed my ways because it hit me right to the core and uh so you know whatever i'm doing i'm doing four sets in a night and i run over to gotham and they go hey slow down buddy and you know when you got four sets you got to make those times or else it's like dominoes you lose them all and they go hey slow down seinfeld's on i go ah damn i mean that's how jaded we are as

comics the biggest comic on the planet is on i'm like ah fuck i could sit down and watch him but i'm like i gotta make my shows so they go don't worry i think he's going short so he gets off and i and they go you gotta follow him and i go fuck that's bathroom break for most people you know seinfeld's done we're not gonna watch the next douche so he's walking past me off stage i'm walking on and i go you still got it and he goes hey i like your stuff and he just said that like in passing and i was like said that, like, in passing. And I was like, oh, my God. I figured he wouldn't even acknowledge me.

And I'm freaking out. So now I go, and it's for Merrill Lynch or something. It was like a corporate kind of thing. So he had to be clean. So I go up, and I'm beaming from this Seinfeld compliment that I just fucking level the room. It's coming out of me. It's oozing out of my eyeballs. And I killed.

And turns out he was watching so not only did i have to go after him but i had to be clean thank god i have like eight minutes on school shootings pedophilia and midgets so like i had to be clean and it went well and i got off and so i was like oh that was fun let's go to the next set he goes hey he came out of the shadows he goes let's go hang out so i go my God. And it was like a hot lady. You know, when you have a good set, you got a little juice with her. I would never have anything to do with this lady without comedy. And we go in the green room.

We talk for an hour and a half. I'm shitting myself for the first ten minutes. He's my hero. I grew up watching with my family. Must see TV. NBC Thursday nights. And the first ten minutes, I'm shitting. Because, you know, you know this guy's face.

You know his voice and everything so well. I know everything he's done. I've read his biographies and shit. And then after 10 minutes, he's just a comic. He's just a Long Island car guy, baseball guy, comedy guy. And it was just super cool. And we talked. And he goes, take my number.

And I go, I'll never call you. He goes, use it. Use it. And that was it. We just texted a little. And then as I was leaving, he did a bit that was new. And I go, hey, I got a tag for you on that cemetery bit. And he goes, whatever, take it easy.

Next day, what do you got on the cemetery bit? Now we're texting. And I had nothing. So now I had to go write a bit. I had to write a bit in the time. You didn't really have anything? I had nothing. I was fucking with him. So now I'm writing a cemetery bit

I'm like I'm googling cemeteries And shit I don't know anything about cemeteries So I came up with some Headstone pun bullshit And I sent it to him And I could tell he was like

Ah that sucks Blow me And then I happened to say I tried to save it I wanted to keep it going It's like talking to a supermodel And I was like

But you don't want to step on Carlin's cemetery bit And he goes Wait what's that? So I And I was like, but you don't want to step on Carlin's cemetery bit. And he goes, wait, what's that? So I sent him that clip and now we're going back and forth about Carlin and I go,

I think he's better than Pryor. And he goes, what are you, crazy? So now we're going on a Carlin-Pryor fight and we just fucking had it. Two hours of texting. It was amazing.

Wow. Why didn't you just call each other? You could have got that conversation done in 20 minutes. Waiting for a fucking text message while you're also watching tv i know he's 65 too he took forever to get the words out but probably has to use the glasses yeah but i didn't want to i didn't want it to end i was happy it was long so yeah so now uh your besties i wouldn't say that but i mean close i wouldn't i wouldn't even say pretty close i'm

closer to you than i am to him you know it's one of the weird ones yeah you don't want to bother and i get it and then you don't want to come on too strong where he's like this guy's up my ass because i'm famous must be bothering that guy exactly so i'm trying to keep it like colin quinn and him are buddies and i mean colin i love by the way very underrated oh yeah super never talked about colin quinn genius comedy um But they're tight. He did Tough Crowd. Were you around those days? That's my whole comedy world is Tough Crowd. That's like my influence. Were you ever on it?

No, no, no. That was 04. I started in 06. I came around. I mean, I was on it like maybe second season or something like that. I forget. And Colin, I hadn't seen him in forever. And he was warming up the crowd.

So he's doing stand-up to warm up the crowd yeah i mean and fucking murdering and i was thinking he's like right now doing something that's way better than the show itself oh this is so weird right it's like his stand-up like it was very tight and you know and they were huge colin quinn fans tough crowd fans so they laughing hard. But what that show was was the first show where comics could ball bust. Yes. Like we do in the back bar at the store. Right. Or like we do when we're in the green room.

We talk shit about each other. We fuck around. We have fun. Yeah. And we make fun of each other and we laugh. And it's real. It wasn't fake. Right.

They try to reenact the ball busting and it's always embarrassing. You can't. You can't. If someone says something andusting, and it's always embarrassing. You can't do that. You can't. If someone says something, and they're like, Mark, we didn't get coverage on that. Can you repeat that? Can you call his mom a skank again? We didn't get it. Get the fuck out of here.

I'm not faking that. I remember DePaulo had some line. He said, Ralphie was sitting on a big red beanbag chair, and DePaulo said, you look like you jumped out of a plane and landed on a Coke machine. Oh, my God. I fucking Coke machine. Oh, my God. I fucking lost it. Oh, my God. He called Patrice Star Jones.

One time he bombed, and he took a sip, and Patrice goes, yeah, take another sip of timing. I mean, there were just so many zings, and these guys were the king of zing, and they knew each other, and it was genius. No, and it was a show that I don't even think you could do today no it was too real yeah too real well it was very much like stand-ups actually talking shit to each other well kind of the way they used to yeah the way they used to now you gotta be like well this guy's uh you know bye so go easy on him or whatever is this new york is your new york you're experiencing this yeah all new york i'm a York guy. Right. But you don't get that out here.

Oh, that's right. Yeah. How do you live like that? I did a show at the store, and I was like, there's a lot of guys on the show. We're going to get in trouble. And Santino was like, shut up. This is LA. I was like, Jesus.

LA is a full-on meritocracy. There's a lot of funny women, but they have to actually be funny. You don't get on a show just because you're a chick. But it's weird that that's even controversial. It is. Of course there's funny women. There's funny minorities. blah but like everybody why it's it's more offensive to put you on because you have a gash well that's why like i was saying about this girl that was telling me that she wants to have a certain look for her writer's room i'm like that's weird the look should be hilarious yeah find the funniest fucking people that are

willing to work for you right don't worry about i want black gay women i want this i want that listen don't do it yeah you're you're it's a trap because you're not gonna get the best show that way of course the best show is find the best comics if they happen to be all women yeah yeah fuck yeah go nuts you got it i get diversity you want different like i don't know all the shit black people know or asian people know so get them in here but like just get the funny ones yeah the real problem is actual racism yeah the real problem is not and guilt yes guilt is a problem that's definitely a problem with some folks yeah but the actual racism is the real problem not like ensuring that there's diversity to the point where you're seeking it out yeah eliminating the better candidates that just happen to be a white woman or a white man yeah

you know you want this instead very strange but it's not wise okay because your product is going to suffer because if you're if someone's got a skill like the the real problem is someone i mean and it rarely happens i would imagine where someone decides that the far better person like it depends on the the job for sure but if if you're in a situation like sports it's one of the reasons why sports is so awesome yeah like in the jack johnson days they did try to do that like they did try to keep jack johnson from fighting for the title because of racism totally they didn't want a black man to run because they knew he was the best of course they like they did try to keep jack johnson from fighting for the top because of racism totally they didn't want a black man to run because they knew he was the best of course they were trying

to keep him from being the best but in most areas of life i feel like if you're really good you get ahead and if you don't that's the problem the problem is racism the problem is someone trying to stop you from getting ahead just because you are whatever you are. Or sexism. Or white or sexism. Yes. That's the real problem. The response to that is not forced diversity. The response to that is like racism is awful and we should all agree.

But it's not that you should force diversity. I agree. I think it's strange. You make a mistake. Yeah. You're making a mistake. Yeah and it's weird and kind of wrong and kind of gross. Yeah, of course. But it's just, and I get the whole we got to like try to, we went so far the wrong way, then now we're trying to, we go far too far the other way.

But like, it's weird that they, people can't see that. And then they call you racist. And you're like, you don't even have, it's always people without black friends who call you racist, ironically. You don't even know any black people. And why are you using that word so liberally yeah weird word to say that but you know what i'm like why are you using that word so that's an important word and you can't just like in a world where we can't fat shame and slut shame you can call racism and sexism so quick racism the worst thing in america to be a bigot is the worst thing maybe pedophilia but like that's weird that you use that so quick you don't even know the person.

That's crazy. It's an easy weapon to use. It's an easy weapon. You're playing Dungeons and Dragons, and you've got a battle axe to throw. You let it fly. I agree, but this ain't D&D, baby. This is life.

This is real life. People's careers will get ruined because you want to win an argument? Yeah. Ah, it makes me sick. And I hate... Now I'm going off on a tear. No, no, you're correct.

But I hate these new... It's all whitey, by the way. I hate these people who get real evolved all of a sudden, and then they've got to tell us about their evolvement. It's like, yeah, we knew that shit already, but we're not going on social media and having a big parade about how evolved you are. I already knew these people were marginalized in that, but just because you found out, now we gotta hear your side? That's privilege. That's the ultimate privilege. Like these documentaries about, I have privilege. You're getting paid a million bucks to do the documentary, you whore.

What are you, crazy? It's insane. You think black people are enjoying this? They're going, oh, this is fucking embarrassing, and how come I don't get a show? You have the privilege. Again, still, It's so entitled and narcissistic they can't even see outside their own cunt.

Sorry. Thank you, Mark Norman. Thank you. Well, that'll get me canceled. I'm going to bang the gavel. Mr. Speaker, you have four minutes to respond. I want good. I want it all to work out. I want everybody to get a job and I'm all about the funny. But you also don't want anybody to suffer sexism and don't want anybody to suffer racism. But you want the best people to be chosen.

Yeah. I do, too. And I think those things aren't mutually exclusive. I think it's possible. I pitched a show about having these stand-ups and do this, and people were like, we love it. Here's a list of people we think you should put on. And I read the list, and I was like, these are all hack retards. This sucks.

These people are all unfunny, and I know all of them. And you start going, why would they want to use these people? They're talentless. I've watched them. I do shows with them. The industry sucks. The industry is a bunch of finance cunts. They're all just wearing a suit.

You know, whatever. But they're all wearing a suit, and then they're in the room, and they don't know anything about comedy. I know about comedy. I'm in the and then they're in the room they don't know anything about comedy i know about comedy i'm in the i'm in the trenches i'm in the clubs right but they don't know anything about comedy but they're all in a suit in a in a you know warehouse or a nice building downtown and they go this is what we should do so they look good they look woke or progressive but it's not funny like i hate that and then they all go i love prior i love that guy i love Carlin No you don't

Name me one bit You don't know anything about comedy You're just You're just at work You got a coffee machine over here And you got a nice car And you want to keep your gig And you want to seem

Like you're on the up and up And you want to seem like you're You know evolved And on the right side But you don't actually care about funny Well the problem is That they're involved at all I agree Why are those Why are those kind of people involved But we need them We need them for TV broadcasting You don't need TV You don't actually care about funny Well the problem is that they're involved at all I agree

But we need them, we need them for TV broadcasting You don't need TV Well not anymore You don't need them anymore really They're irrelevant and they've made themselves more irrelevant with this kind of thinking Of course but they pay well And then they don't suck your dick until you're making money Then they come and

I go hey will you represent me They go blow me douche And then you start getting some It's they come, you know, I go, hey, will you represent me? They go, blow me, douche. And then I, you start getting some, it's like Ari, Ari did a TV show. Everybody hated Ari.

Some people still do. And mostly Nazis. But he, he had a show and then he got popular online so they go, okay, we'll give it to you.

We'll give you the show now. And then now it's a storytelling show that's still on with Roy Wood, by the way, who I love. But yeah. I do too. so it's just like you don't know anything stop telling me what's funny i'm funnier than you and i know what's funny that's you know if they are going to work for a company that is going to pay money that's going to get involved in the comedy business

yeah there's going to be a bunch of people not comedy people that are involved in the creation of comedy and then their ego gets involved and they want to change the suit and do this to the background. And we want to do this. Then the show's ruined. Yeah. I mean, Pat from the Black Keys was talking about it last night, that you'd get these record douches from fresh out of college and they would want to change something in the sound. Right. fresh out of college and they would like want to change something in the sound right and you have this situation where you have

this non-artistic person that's trying to influence your art yeah and put their greasy little thumbprint it's strange in the corner of your art

but it's normal when people give you money they give you money for a product and then they give you status they want to feel like they have a job

if you're an executive at one of these you know networks you're comedy central and you of these networks, you're Comedy Central, and there's a show with a bunch of stand-ups, are you going to just let them do whatever the fuck they want? Are you going to give them some feedback? Well, they're going to want to give you feedback. They're the ones who are like, we get to decide

whether this gets greenlit or not. Sure, and that's fair because it's their platform. It is, but they shouldn't be there. There's no reason for them to be involved in the world of comedy. The whole idea of the network is always going to be hampered. They're going to be handicapped, except financially. They have studios and production value, and they have real directors, real producers that they work with.

And they have a history, a long history of making real television shows. Exactly, which is impressive, and I don't have that. They don't have the sloppy shit. Yeah, back to the grit you want. People want the sloppy. Stand-up. Live stand-up is the sloppy shit, and then podcasts. This is the sloppy shit.

Right. This is real human shit. It's not polished up and edited perfectly with a tied commercial shoved in the middle of it. Yeah. Sorry. Before I get inundated with tweets about how i'm in a suit and i'm i was just on fallon last night which is the top of the heap of you know clean corporate whatever to me i just people go why do you do these late nights and i go because i want to see

if i can pull it off you know let's let me see if they give all the restrictions if i could still do it you know it's like yeah i'll go in the octagon but let's see if you can bare knuckle right and that's why i like to do these late nights because because I'm like, all right, they're going to tailor my act. They're going to tweak it and turn it and take this word out and fluff that word off. But if I can still kill with their bullshit, then I know I'm actually good at this. Does it annoy you, though, that you're giving up your material for some fucking stupid show? I mean, what are the numbers of people watching these shows now? It's all for me

i don't do it for the giving it up or who's watching or whatever i just go i'm in 30 rock there's a lot of history here stallone's on sedgwick the entertainer's on uh jimmy fallon was a comic i do it for the tradition and it's fun it's a tightrope you run that set for weeks and weeks and you hone it and you tweak it and you get an ending and opening and then you buy a suit and you go out there and you knock it out and you could flub on television

which is fucking terrifying and that's why you do it. You do it for that that little moment in time where you're on edge and it's great. It's like a high and that's why I do it.

How many have you done? That'll be 12 or 13. Wow. Yeah, I like it. You're like an old school comic man yeah like like the rich jenny days rich jenny used to go on all the shows he would he would do a night show constantly yeah prior to multiple times a year did sullivan but then you go to the bar and he's talking about you know blowing a dude you know and that's to me that's cool like he could do every

he could do muay thai and jujitsu yeah and i that. I don't want to wear a suit, but, you know, I went out last night and I slept in. But, yeah, it's fun. It's fun. Like, all right, let me go in your arena and kick some ass, and then I'll go back to the club. Yeah. No, that makes sense. Have you ever thought about, I mean, you don't need it, but you could do it for you. It'd be interesting.

My time constraints are not going to allow me any other endeavors. Oh, yeah. I like tight, short jokes yeah yeah my bits are more stories that lead into other fucked up stories that i can't tell the third story until you've heard the first two stories because you know you have to know how i fuck around about things i don't want you to think right away that i'm really serious about some of the things that i'm saying like you got to know that i'll say things i don't agree with yeah just because i think it's to know that I'll say things I don't agree with just because I think it's funny,

and then I'll say I don't even agree with that. And also, I don't have enough time to just work on a five-minute set. When I'm working, I'm trying to do my act. And for me, a lot of bits are five minutes. Sure. The whole bit might be seven minutes. That'd be cool if you do one bit. And it's not about giving it away.

You could write another five. That's not what it is. It's just I don't appreciate the medium. I get it. I understand that it's a challenge. I understand it is a challenge. But I don't appreciate the medium. It's not great for us.

No. For me, stand-up is, you know, you're making people laugh in a nightclub setting. Everything else is an advertisement for that. Sure. Other than podcasts is obviously a nightclub setting. Everything else is an advertisement for that. Sure. Other than podcasts is obviously a totally different thing. But when I'm doing anything else I'm doing, if I was doing a TV show in the past, it was basically an advertisement to come see me in the clubs. Yes.

That's what I cared about. I am the same way. And the money. I'll take the money, too. Sure, take the money. But the real thing was if I had to choose between one of the two, what are you talking about? This is not a competition. You can't beat stand-up. Stand-up is the greatest thing the world has ever known.

If you're a comic and you're murdering, no one is ever going to understand what that feels like. It's the best. When you are killing. Nothing like it. The audience is dying laughing and you get out of there. The high is so insane and their high is so insane. It's so much fun to make people feel good. It's amazing.

I feel bad for people who can't kill. I do. I know. They're going through life and they're never experiencing what we experience all the time. Right? And then they turn it on the art form. They go, this sucks. It's not fair.

People are mean and whatever. Oh, that's nonsense. Yeah, you got to figure it out. Everybody's got to figure it out. When people have excuses for why they're not doing better or excuses for why people are doing well, you're looking at shit the wrong way. You're wasting that bandwidth. You're wasting that bandwidth. Well, who gives a fuck why Justin Bieber's famous?

Stop. Right, he figured it out. You're wasting that bandwidth. It's not his fault. Don't worry about that. Worry about yourself. I completely agree. There's only a certain amount of time for you to think about things.

I know. A day. Yeah, we're all going to die one day, folks. But it's even the amount of time you have in a about things in a day. Yeah, we're all gonna die one day, folks. But it's even the amount of time you have in a day to accomplish what you want to do. I don't understand people that have extra time and a bunch of time that they can

stick on shit that's nonsense and useless and that's gonna take up most of your day thinking about nonsense, useless opinions. Like, why? I know what you mean. You know when you wake up kind of early and you didn't get enough sleep but you just say, fuck it, and up and then you did you get a ton of shit done that day there's nothing better yeah nothing better discipline discipline yourself force yourself and i used to go let me lay here and try to sleep now i lost three hours doing that i should have just

gotten up because i didn't get to sleep anyway yeah so i'm with you on all that but again with the late nights i i'm a nobody you forget forget. You're nice enough to have me here and the booze and the cars and everything, but I got no draw or whatever. I'm still doing the B rooms. I'm doing the funny bones. I can't sell a ticket. So, like, I... First of all,

I have to make strangers laugh still. I don't have fans, which is a real... That's all I want is a fan. You have some fans. I got a fan and a half. Jamie might like me. You got a few fans. But I can is a fan you have some fans I got a fan and a half Jamie might like me but I can't fill a room I can't fill a weekend but these late nights if you put 12 together

that's what 60 minutes that's a special so people kind of get a little YouTube clip of me I think the YouTube clips and the Instagram clips

and everything like that is what's going to help you yeah they go a long way yeah that's going to help you more than anything you're a rock solid stand up man you're a really good comic That's going to help you more than anything. You're a rock-solid stand-up, man. Oh, thanks.

You're a really good comic. It's all I can do. It's all I care about. I work really hard at it. Yeah, I appreciate that. That means a lot to me. Thanks. I love the art form.

It's amazing. I do my best to try to encourage people to go out and see it. Yeah. But how come you get it? It's funny that you're not industry. I mean, I know you're a comic, so you're in the mix, but how come they can't...

I know so many funny people. Because they're not comics, man. They're not comics. Comedy is one of those things that you can be a comedy fan, you understand and appreciate it and never want to do stand-up yourself, but you got to be in it.

You know, you got to get it. You got to get in there deep and look at it from the perspective as a fan. But as a comic, man, I mean, i've had this conversation too many times but there's not that many of us there's maybe a thousand of us in the entire country that are worth a fuck yeah out of those it may be less it might be a lot and out of the ones that are like really doing well and headlining at clubs and all over the country

what is there 250 300 400 out of the okay well how many of them will sell out theaters it's maybe a hundred yeah okay how many are doing arenas is it like 10 right, well, how many of them will sell out theaters? Maybe 100? Yeah. Okay, how many are doing arenas? Is it like 10? Right. There's not that many of us. There's a tiny amount of us.

It's fucking small out of 320 million people. I love that it's small. It's very small. I think that's, we're in a secret union club thing. It's fucking great. And the real ones will do anything for you. I know, I know. But the backlash against comics now is,

these weird, these two sides you have to be on, I don't get it. There's a lot of- This guy and that guy, or this lady and this horrible, offensive dirtbag and this wokey, progressive, clean, lefty, I like them both. Yeah.

Why can't I like, why do I have to pick these sides? And people just, I'm sure there's people listening now going, oh, he's one of them. I'm done with him. No, no. Why? I'm a good egg yeah don't forget that i'm a good guy i just like jokes i like shit humor i like uh slurs i think they're funny i'm sorry blow me suck my ass shit in my face i don't care i like it i i hang out with my opener's a black guy chris allen

and he's like we just sit and shit on black and white all day. I'll just call him a horrible N-word. He'll call me a white devil and slavery. We're buddies, and we love it. He's got me in a headlock, and if anybody saw that, I would go straight to, you know, cancel jail. Comedy jail. Yeah, I would go straight to jail. I'm like, you don't know our relationship.

We're friends. We do the road together. We're in the trenches. We're like in World War II. We're out. We do the road together. We're in the trenches. We're like in World War II. We're out doing shitty rooms. And we love each other, but if anybody saw that, I'd go to hell. Because you're having fun. Yeah.

Yeah. We're having fun. We love it. Right. And we find it funny. Why can't I find that funny? They say you're forbidden. You're having fun, but in their eyes, you're not allowed to have that fun.

It must be forbidden. Why? The thing that we don't do. See, we don't do that with anything else like you joked around about me and my third daughter saying oh i thought she's dead like it's funny but yes to me i would if you were in a meeting with a guy who was a muffler salesman and you said that he would fucking shit his pants maybe maybe most of the time people are gonna get very angry at you but here's the thing, they go, you're a bad person I go, no I'm not, I just made the joke

How can you call me a bad person? I know me more than you know me, I just made a joke I would have talked you out of saying the things about the coke And the guy cheating on his wife at the corporate gig I would have said, listen I would have talked you out of those He gave me the dirt, by the way He did give me the dirt, but that guy is the same kind of guy

Right, right Oh, I see what you're saying He did give you the dirt, by the way. He did give you the dirt, but that guy is the same kind of guy. Right, right. Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah. Well, maybe I'm just saying just because you find it offensive doesn't mean I'm a bad person or I did anything wrong. And Jim Norton had that great point. It's like we're obsessed with this movie about a clown who eats kids. That's like the biggest movie in the country.

And then we love Ted Bundy. We love all that. True crime is the biggest thing. This really happened. And yet, jokes. They really sting people for some reason. Well, one of the things is that we'll argue with them. It's very difficult to get it to argue back with you.

Ah, that's why Joey Diaz is fine. You can't shut down Joey Diaz. No, you can't. He's too strong. Interesting. He's Chernobyl. They don't know what the fuck to do. They just get out of there. Yeah. is fine he's not he's not you can't shut down joey d no you can't he's too strong interesting he's chernobyl they can't they don't know what the fuck to do they just get out of there yeah but with someone like you if you respond like they they can go after you like it doesn't have a fucking instagram page where he's gonna like answer his comments hey fuck you you're a homo i wear a clown outfit because that's how i trick kids i don't like i'm not wearing makeup because

i'm a girl right he's not like getting trapped and arguing i mean but they go it's not real well neither is my act but how many times you've seen someone especially comics like get into it with fans online and going back and forth with people and people shitting on them and they're showing it's an ugly look yeah it's not good it rarely works but they right it's bad but it takes a while for comics to realize I shouldn't engage with people yeah

but a lot of people never learn that right yeah yeah so they're there they're there as targets now if you're a person and you're bored

and you're 15 and you're going to school somewhere and your stepdad's a piece of shit and your mom's dumb and she's on pills and you're stuck but you got an internet account

and all of a sudden Mark Norman this fucking cunt thinks he's funny fuck you Mark Norman and they say on pills and you're stuck but you got an internet account and all of a sudden mark norman this fucking cunt thinks he's funny fuck you mark norman and they say something shitty to you and you're like fuck you your mom's getting fucked right now by some meth head you're like god damn it he's right my mom is getting fucked by a meth head yeah you know like you're you're getting involved with this because you're an accessible target right he tweets the guy who made the godzilla movie that guy's not going to tweet back at him. Right.

But a comic might. Yeah, yeah, we're accessible. And it's also good when you write articles because it's a polarizing and polemic topic. Exactly. When you write articles, it's a good thing to write articles about someone's jokes being problematic and cancel culture. Yeah. But thank God there's guys like Bill Burr out there that are still swinging, and Chappelle, still swinging. Big names that are still

doing comedy exactly the way they always did it. Exactly. They're not changing it for anybody. And people go, oh, these men or whatever want to be assholes on stage, and they think they can say whatever they want in the name of comedy. No, no, we don't think we're anything. We're not politicians. We're just doing what we think is funny. That's all it is. They don't get that.

This is all in the umbrella of comedy. And they go, well, maybe it's just hate speech, but you call it comedy. Well, maybe it is, but it's funny to me. Then it's comedy. Then it's comedy. Exactly. It's just comedy. You can't just decide it's not good because it's hate speech.

Right, right. Because your definition of hate speech is not my... If you call some guy some terrible name in your act because you're pretending to be your racist grandfather, that doesn't mean you're committing hate speech. You don't know how I feel. Well, sometimes you're doing bits, and this is the best way to describe that bit that's going to make people laugh. That's why you do it that way.

Exactly. You're not doing it that way to hurt people's feelings. And just like spicy food, we're the chef. We like it this way. This is how we make it. I'm sorry. If you don't like it, just don't eat it at the restaurant. And I would argue, and this is a bold one,

but I noticed that the shittier the guy on stage, like the jizzle neck, like the mean, dark, say the real dark shit, those are usually the best guys or girls. Have you noticed that? A lot of them are very nice. In real life, they're good eggs and nice people and giving and heartwarming. And then these super activist-y, we've got to make this right and this guy, blah, blah.

You meet them in real life, you go, oh, you're evil. You're kind of evil in me. Look at Cosby. Yeah. Look at that. Clean as a whistle. America's dad. Jello.

Postulatizing. Yes. Always telling people what to do Yeah I mean every time It's a smelted delton Every time they Somebody you know Calls out a guy

For being offensive They start looking through his shit And then you go Oh this guy hates Malaysians Or whatever the hell Happens every time That story about the guy

Who outed Shane Shane Gillis Is that how you say his last name Yeah Gillis He The guy who outed him deleted 6,000 tweets on Sunday night the night before he released it

is that true? has that been proven? yes so he deleted thousands I know but then they go well that was 10 years ago okay well maybe this is Shane's 10 years ago

let him evolve how about that? you know they go well that's old. So what? So what? So Trudeau was like the best guy ever.

He was the height of the mountain. Everybody loved Trudeau. The old feminist. Yes. And then we found out the blackface thing. Do we lose all of that worth that he gained? Or is it, do we let him slide but not Shane? I don't get it.

Like, there's no consistency. That's a very good point. Thank you. I have a point. That's a very good point. I don't get it. There's no consistency. That's a very good point. Thank you. I have a point. That's a very good point. I don't get it. He's human. He should be canceled for some stupid shit that he did when he was young and dumb.

Exactly. I thought it was hilarious, though, when he said he didn't know how many times he wore blackface. Oh, that's funny. They said, how many times you wore blackface? Because a couple extra ones came out. And then he's like, I don't remember how many times. Like, what? Was that your thing?

Yeah, that's a lot of polish. It seemed like that was his thing i know right thing also i like how they called it black and brown face so i gotta have diversity even with the arabian night polish oh yeah he did he wore like a fucking well that's okay turban on and everything the whole deal that's less bad because there's no like mammy you know minstrel that's i thought the history of the minstrel was the whole problem with it. No, but now we've subverted, we've perverted that. It's become any shade. I mean, self-tanning, that's racist.

Yeah. That's great. If you're using a tanning salon. That's a bit. Write that down, JMO. If you're fucking getting spray painted, you know, you're getting spray tanned, you're basically using blackface. That's appropriation.

Well, we had it. Me and Brendan Schaum had, like, one of the most hilarious fucking conversations we ever had was about chocolate face. What's that? Well, bodybuilders. The bodybuilders, when they would do competition, they'd do chocolate body, but then they'd also do chocolate face. They make themselves brown with self-tanning.

I'm like, that guy is wearing blackface. Yeah. I'm like, how is this different than blackface? And then we found out that some people are sensitive to it so they only tan from the neck down so they have white heads and chocolate bodies like see this oh my god look at that how fucking strange wow that's kooky that's weird that looks fake it looks like a photoshop dude it's so crazy because they used to do their face, too, for continuity. But they can't do that anymore because of the outrage over blackface.

Oh. Fascinating. It's got to be a bummer with the dong, you know? Right. Seeing a white-sized dong with that color. It's so crazy. It's a letdown, folks. It's so crazy. It's really weird.

Look at that. See, that guy's got blackface. Whoa. So we went into this crazy rant about it and then it became like probably one of the most viral videos that we ever did yeah look at that yeah that's it right there that is why would you want to be that's a little dark right i mean you can't even see the lines and the definition when on the big screen with the lights on you i think that shows your muscles better okay yeah that's why they do it they they really they're painting

themselves uh-huh they paint themselves like a dye and it gets in the skin and it shows all the that shows your muscles better. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's why they do it. They really, they're painting themselves. Uh-huh. They paint themselves like a dye, and it gets in the skin, and it shows all the muscles out, and shows highlights and contrasts and everything. Wow, jeez. I had another point, and now I lost it.

But it's funny how now everybody's getting on board with Bill Burr. You know, like all these certain comics who used to hate him are like, that special was great, it was very thoughtful, I liked it, and you're like, yeah, but remember when he was working it out, you hated him. You know, let the guy, let people work it out.

You know, like, let's not be so quick to hate. The people who are all about open-mindedness and inclusion are so quick to shut people out, ironically. Well, most of them are bad. They seem bad. Yeah, there's not a lot of them that are really good, like really sharp and really funny. Yeah, do you really care about that group? Or do you just want us to think you care about that group what are you doing for that they're struggling and they're probably thinking they're doing the right thing they might even trick themselves but if you really know what

comedy is you know that people fuck around on stage to try to find a way to say i've said things the wrong way all the time and said things in a way that used to be funny and now it's offensive like oh you fucking idiot you ruined be funny and now it's offensive. Like, oh, you fucking idiot. You ruined the funny part of it by trying to make it more edgy in this direction. Now people just think you're mean or now people just think you're ignorant. Right.

You're trying things. And maybe you come back six months later, that bit might be murdering. I might figure it out. Right. Exactly. But if you just put it on YouTube like they did with Louis.

And like when all those comics were getting pissed at him for that Parkland shooting thing, just because you pushed some fat kid in front of the way. Right. I'm like, look, if you were in that audience, that is a fucked up thing to say, and it's funny. And it went national.

There's no way he would have ever released that bit in that form. No. It's not ready. Right. It wasn't ready. But he might have found a way to get you to laugh at it I guarantee you would have found it I guarantee you

Yeah, he was good at it I mean, he had the bit about 9-11 He's like, I jerked off You can tell how good of a person you are By when you jerk off, how soon And he's like, for me it was between the two towers falling That's great I just

Why is it that you're allowed to shit on my taste Because like, let's say you were like My great-grandfather was in the Holocaust And I went, ah, that's not real Obviously, that's a joke But people go go that is horrible you would say it's not real like well what are you a fucking idiot i'm joking you fucking queef you could say that to ari and his father was a holocaust his father's a gross dumb hebe and look what are you why are you laughing wait stop joe why are you laughing i know he's, Joe. Why are you laughing? I know. Ari's my friend. It's problematic.

I'm promoting hate speech. It's not the first time. I just find that stuff funny, and I love the Jews. They're the best. I find everything funny, if it's funny. If it's funny. If it's funny. If it's funny.

Yeah. Ari's a camel-faced Jew. This is the last outpost. The last outpost in the War on Speech is what you're allowed to joke about. Yeah. I don't know why. I guess because there's a lot of truth in comedy there is a lot of truth in comedy it's like what we said earlier it's like sometimes it seems like that's what you're really saying because that's what it seems like you're just saying something because everybody could just say things yeah you can say things i can think everybody that doesn't do comedy can string together sentences the way we're doing right now. Yeah. So when you're on stage and you're saying things, it seems real simple.

It seems like you're just saying shit, and then I already say shit, so I don't agree with what he's saying. Right. And, ooh, I have a forum. Look at this. I've got a thing called Instagram. Right. Or a thing called Twitter. And I'm going to say shit to him about the shit that he said.

And then you're going to go, hey, I don't like it when they say shit about the shit I say. Yeah. And then it piles on. Yeah. And it becomes this, like, and then people go, hey, I don't like it when they say shit about the shit I say. And then it piles on. And it becomes this like, and then people go, hey, stand-up's under attack. No. Morons have more of an ability to reach you now. People have always been offended by jokes. They just haven't had a chance to express themselves.

But a lot of these people aren't morons. They're well-educated people I knew starting out in stand-up. I go, I was a smart lady or a smart guy. Like, this is a well-educated person.'s almost it's it's more than uh moron it there's like a kool-aid thing happening here with like there's a little thing going on with like these people are almost i don't want to say brainwashy but there's like a a reality is kind of gone a little bit they're all they're almost like wrapped so wrapped up in their own horse shit that it's i don't know it's like taken over and then they do certainly a little bit of the compliance thing yeah and they build up from talking to each other like it uh reinforces it and they kind of get more

more juiced up and they go fuck this is real hey and then you put the the uh the feel goodness factor on top of it like i'm a good egg'm a good person. And in this society now of rewarding people who will shut you down for, like, people want to call out a racist guy not because they hate racism so much, but because they know how many points it'll score them, I feel like. There's definitely that happening, too. And I think that's, and I feel like, you know, you know when you go, like, to Italy? But there's also people actually trying to call out racists, too. Of course, and please do.

I don't want racism. But that's the thing. Or sexism or homophobia. It's all bad, obviously. There's all kinds of things happening all at once. The thing is it's overwhelming and you're trying to manage it at scale. That's what it is. You're dealing with, you know, if you have a million Twitter followers, like, good luck

reading those mentions. You can't do that. It's not possible. There's too much coming at you. The core is you gotta know what you are. Yes. You have to have a good group of humans around you, too. Yeah. That helps. There's a lot of different factors that are going to be at play if you want to try to

get through these fucking tuning nets. Yeah. Because if you get caught up in any bullshit, you'll... I mean, there's more bullshit for comics to think about now than ever before in terms of response from people. But there's also more avenues for you to put your shit out right i mean you can just look at what uh schultz has done andrew schultz just put his fucking special on youtube yeah and he went from doing pretty good in clubs to selling out in theaters and doing

multiple shows in a night unbelievable murdering it murdering right so this is this is something no that never existed before yeah but he found. He figured out how to use it properly. And now you're like, oh, I don't even need those cunts over at this network. They were telling me to wear the purple suit because it's funnier. And I like when your pants are too short. I just think it fits them. Yeah. I think the short pants is just, when I see them, I'm like, Mark Norman, short pants.

You're right. And we're so insecure and weak that we go, maybe they're right. Right. This person has a house. I don't. Or even better, you're like, this fucking moron is telling me to wear short pants. You're right. And we're so insecure and weak that we go, maybe they're right. Right. This person has a house. I don't. Or even better, you're like, this fucking moron is telling me to wear short pants. I can't believe I have to take advice from this dipshit. No, that too.

And you do. Yeah. You do if you want to get that show passed. Exactly. Nonsense. Chaos. It's just too much. It's too much.

But there's still enough of us. There's still enough real comics out there. Yeah, yeah. I guess so. There's a good number number there's a good number of real comics the thing about this this shane guy and this this this shit that happened to him it's like what they're doing is this unplanned shooting the shit conversation you know and they're they're from that legion of skanks sort of environment where everybody is constantly offensive and rewarded for it.

Yeah. And it's funny and people enjoy that kind of just mean, you know, shit talking. Yeah. And especially in this day and age where things are very PC. It's fun to say it. It gets a little rise out of you.

Yes. So what people did was they took a clip of that and then it was like, well, we can't have this at the network. Well, like as if that is everything that guy is i'm sure everybody says that guy's a good comic he's a good comic i haven't seen him yeah but it's a universally everybody says he's a good comic he's open for me and he's tough he's better off this way you don't probably for sure Look, apologize for that. You know, he already did.

You know, he said he missed. You know, he takes chances. He misses. You don't know that a million people are going to listen to that. It wasn't a great clip, but again, you don't know who he is, folks. That's the problem. You've got to stop calling people a racist. That's the worst thing.

A bigot in America is the worst thing you can be. I think a serial killer is a little worse. I don't know anymore. I don't know. It's tough. Serial rapist? Here's a fun story. I hooked up with a girl on Tinder years ago, and we were laying in bed after the sex, and she goes, I gotta tell you, your photo, you look like a

serial killer. And I was like, Jesus. And I was like, in your photo, you look easy. And she flipped out. I'm like, well, yours was worse, but that's where we're at in our society. You said I look like I murder multiple people. I'm saying you look easy, but I guess where we're at in our society. You said I look like I murder multiple people. I'm saying you look easy, but I guess the problem is she was easy. I wasn't a serial killer.

And again, girls get all mad about that joke, but nothing against easy. I like sluts. I think you just slut shamed. I was a slut myself. I love a good, what do you call it uh good hooah go promiscuous it up i say yeah that's also another weird thing like whenever a guy's like yeah i fucked a bunch of chicks women go oh geez like well are you slut shaming now why isn't he allowed to go fuck a bunch of people i don't know but no one ever celebrates if a girl fucks a bunch of guys if a girl's like uh how was your weekend i I fucked 10 different guys. I didn't even know them. Let them all come inside me.

Uh-huh. Girls would be like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Oh, that's interesting. If your buddy said he fucked 10 gals, you'd be like, whoa. How did you do it? You're saying even women go, that's weird. Exactly. Women get mad at you.

Yeah. Yeah, interesting. Women get mad if they find out their friends had like foursomes. Yeah, that is weird. Where's the love? Yeah. It's the same with fat people. We all talk about big is beautiful,

but then every gal goes to the gym. And you're like, I thought it was beautiful. Which one is it? We just don't want you to feel bad, sweetie. Well, then just say that because I got some spectrum-y shit where if you tell me one thing,

I'll believe it. So you're just lying to me now. Yes, they're just lying. Okay, that's all I need. She's amazing. You don't need to lose anything Okay. That's all I need. She's amazing. You don't need to lose anything, sweetie. You're amazing. Your body's amazing.

Yeah. She's got a fucking jug of Mountain Dew sitting next to her in her car. She's not happy. This is nonsense. This is not amazing. This is a person that's eating themselves to death. Yeah, it's very unhealthy. And then how long till we outlaw mirrors?

That's coming. Mirrors are terrible. Yeah, because that's- What you need to do is just have a Snapchat filter for everything. Yeah, we don't like truth. Truth is out. Well, you imagine if augmented reality changed your shape. Imagine if I put one of those new Google glasses, augmented reality glasses on,

and you looked like one of those bodybuilders with the white face and the chocolate body, but you were jacked and ripped. If I took the glasses off, you look like a normal guy. Right. But on them, you could have this sensation that you're with someone who's incredibly attractive. Yeah. You could have sex with them and never see their real body.

That's coming. Yeah, for sure. That'll be here. For sure. And then people will get surgery to just keep the glasses on. Yes. They won't want to take them off because it's too harsh. Staple them in.

Trunk, trunk. But you've got to realize the fun part is working on your body. It's like getting in there and fixing stuff and eating better and it's hard and you discipline yourself

and you make it work and you turn down the ice cream and you get the kale. You feel better. That's what life's all about. Yeah, but you're talking about discipline. I guess.

And some people don't want to hear that shit. They would rather just you be celebrated for who you are. You're amazing. Everything is amazing. There was a guy who got in real trouble he was a writer for vox he's kind of a whiny dude anyway but that was his shtick but he fucked up and he's a gay guy and he said that we should stop looking at these gay uh thirst trap pages with all these guys that have these unattainable bodies and these unrealistic

body types and the gay folk went at him with the furor good good for them they were furious

gay it up I say but they like that like the idea of realistic body types in the gay community

those guys are not trying to hear that no no those young wild gay dudes just DTF they don't want to hear that. Those young, wild gay dudes, just DTF. They don't want to hear that nonsense. Shut your fucking mouth, stupid.

Exactly. And that's the beauty as a straight white guy. You know, I'm the devil, but you can't really say much. I feel like if you're gay, you got a little juice. Hey, I'm gay. I'm a gay man. I'm a minority. I'm a victimized. So you can be like, fuck you. We're doing it this way. Don't try to tell us how to live. And it seems like empowering. But if you We're doing it this way Don't try to tell us How to live And it seems like

Empowering But if you do it It seems kind of Rally Clansy Yes Little Charlottesville-y Yeah

And you're like I just want to live too You know I thought we were all the same I'm sorry Don't hurt me Yeah I don't know

I love the gays It's a fun time For great comedy That's what I think It's a great time For great comedy Because people are so happy When you make a point And it's kind I think. It's a great time for great comedy because people are so happy when you make a point

and it's kind of offensive but it's also hilarious and they have to agree with what you're saying because there's actually logic to what you're saying. Right. That is,

for whatever reason, that just turns people's engines. Yeah, and especially now if you can weave through because I still have to perform for people who don't know who I am and you've got to weave through that offensive blog and get to the point and still get a laugh.

It's like you went under the chicken wire on your elbows. And you got there. And the bombs are going off around you. But you still got to that punch. That's a good feeling. Yes, that's a great feeling. It's like a puzzle. You nailed it.

Yeah, it just makes it a little bit more difficult. And when people try to do sloppy and clunky and you know sometimes they're doing it because the the bits in progress like louis i think that's where louis thing was it was just in in the progress in the process rather of being created but when you let someone figure out how to navigate those hurdles sometimes you all of us will get a great reward yeah you know like you know like a great chris rock bit or you know a great bill burr bit that took a while to work out yeah these bits take a while to figure out where the juice in them is and it's a shame to get those out there before

the juice gets i know it really is criminal well it's a real fuck up because you know bits take a long time you know chris rock's bit about um n words yes yes that bit he said took like a year to work i believe it it's long and it's heavy it's heavy and he said people were mad at him when he first started doing it wasn't doing well yeah but he figured out a way to just cut it down to this perfect form this just polish the diamond to the point where it's now like one of the most iconic bits of all time. Amazing.

As a guy who grew up in a predominantly black neighborhood, that bit hit home. That was huge. It's a murderous bit. Unbelievable. It's poignant.

It's hilarious. It's great. Tight as hell. So many tags. Yeah. It made him. But it was also undeniable. Like the shit that he was saying

in the bit was so undeniable. It was so well made. Yeah. You know, but that guy, it took a long time. Now, imagine if somebody released that when there was a crowd that was mad at him. Yeah. Maybe they did it today, and it was one of the times where he's first trying it out, and, you know, someone releases it.

Like, you can't, that's not, you know, it's, comedy is a long process. You can go watch it happen. One of the cool things about the store is you'll get people that come back multiple times, and they'll say, hey, man, I saw you do this bit five months ago. It's so much better now. I'm like, oh, thank you. Oh, that's amazing. Five months ago, it kind of sucked a little bit.

I'm not going to lie. I'm embarrassed you were there. That's the flaw of our art form, and I hate to keep calling it an art form because I sound like a pretentious thief. As long as it's an edgy art form. because I sound like a pretentious... As long as it's in edgy art form. All right. But you need people to work it out

so they see the shit. Yeah. And, you know, it wouldn't be nice if you could go tinker in a lab and then go, I got it, Eureka! But no, you gotta slog it out in front of these fucking fat white idiots. I don't know anybody who is capable

of writing all their material perfect with no crowd. Page to stage. A friend of mine, Sam Murill, is like a joke technician beast, and he'll text me shit. I'm like, that's amazing. And he'll just go right up and do it. But it's tough, man.

It takes – I like to play around with on stage because you never know where it could go, and then you find a new thing because the audience and the laughter helps you go a certain direction. So I think a half and half is good. Yeah, it's all different styles too. You know, like I think a guy like Hedberg. Yeah. That's a completely unique style. And he used to write a lot apparently.

He wrote a lot. He had a lot of material. A friend of mine opened for him two things. He said he showed up, he was sleeping on a couch, probably like a heroin high. And he just goes, hi, I'm Neil. And the guy goes, best job in the world, and fell back asleep. So that's fun. And then two, he said he would put pages out on the front of the stage, in front of the microphone, and it was all like a new bit, like note cards.

And so he would go, joke, joke, joke. Then he would try a new one. And then he would go, oh, okay, joke one of the note card didn't work. And he just did that all night. Wow. Because with those short jokes, you have to have a lot of them. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I would imagine, like when he did a special,

I wonder if he had those note cards out on the stage when he did it, because everything's non-sequiturs. Yeah, that's true. And he's on heroin. So he's not really, how the fuck do you remember all the bits when you're on heroin? Did you know, you probably knew all these heroin guys. I knew him a little. Stanhope was closer to him than i was i i'd worked with him before at the

comedy store and i knew him a little i was always a giant fan though he's i loved his he's one of my favorite things to listen to when i would go to the airport because i would go to the airport and it would be like traffic sucks and it's just like but he was so silly it would put it all into perspective i'd just be laughing at silly nonsense like yeah right and so's just like but he was so silly it would put it all into perspective i'd just be laughing at silly nonsense like yeah right and so it was like a good thing to listen to for me right i would i associate it with going to the airport interesting yeah well it's funny because i always use people go you know when you do a joke that's offensive they go you think racism is funny yeah if it's said the right way you know it's like i don't think rice is funny? Yeah, if it's said the right way. You know, it's like, I don't think rice is funny,

but when Hedberg goes, rice is great when you're hungry for 2,000 of something, that's fucking genius. So rice isn't funny, but you make it funny. It's the same with racism or the Holocaust or miscarriages or whatever. You make it funny. That's what jokes are. Well, this is a time of compliance, and this is one of the things that we've been talking about.

It's compliance. It's people want you to comply. They decide that this is a new day and you're gonna have to change your way oh boohoo comedians you can't say what you want anymore yeah there's consequences tough shit i get they say that because they're not comics so they don't care they don't care whether or not they tank your career or stop you from telling jokes they don't care they want compliance they want compliance over at fucking google they want compliance over the chevy dealership they want compliance right what is happening now is a trend of compliance and some of it's gussied up in the social justice warrior ethic and some people are sincere some people are really trying to help and all those things exist at the same time. Because there's always been people that are trying to get people to listen to them and do what they want. And, you know, we've always had friends that decide they're going to dominate where we go and what to say.

You know that one person. Sure, sure. Look, we're going. It's the best fucking movie. Trust me. Come on, all of us. We're going. Oh, great.

We've got to go to Mike's movie. That's always happened. People always wanted to tell people what to do. This is a version of that. Along with, there's a motive. Like, well, wouldn't it be better if there's no racism? Yes. What's the best way?

Demand inclusion. Demand women be hired everywhere. Demand every board has a woman on it. So this is the way they're going. But that's not the right way either. The right way is to never keep someone from the position because they're a woman. But it's not to hire a woman if they suck. Yeah.

I agree. Because the man is right there and he's great. And I'm assuming that that's the case. It's also not to hire the man. Because he said, we have to have some men. No. No. If the women are killing it, just hire the best.

I agree. Hire the women. Also, you want to pepper in that the media is a bunch of koozes who just come in and go, Ooh, we got a fucking, just a sizzle of a scandal. Yes. Throw it out there. Yeah, but it might ruin a guy's name, career, and life. Ah, who cares?

Put it out there. We might get one click from Bed Bath & Beyond. It's worth it. His whole name is tarnished. But hey, we might get some ad money from Ray-Ban. Throw it on. But this is the click world you know i mean these people are starving to death these journalists they have to get clickbaity

titles they have to have clickbaity stories yeah they don't no one's clicking and god forbid you work for some place that's got a subscription model so if you're writing for the washington post the new york times and you know you can like read chapter, and it's like, if you would like to read more, please subscribe. Right. They give you a taste like a crack dealer. Yes. Have you noticed?

Yes. I subscribe to a lot of them, but I almost reluctantly click through with my login info. Sure, sure. Because I'm like, what are you doing to me here? Yeah. I already subscribe, and you're hitting me with this grossness. Right, but how do they sleep at night? They have to. That's the only way to survive. I guess so. Look, hitting me with this grossness. Right, but how do they sleep at night? They have to.

That's the only way to survive. No one's buying. Look, there's so many free pages and there's so many air quote journalists. Yeah. And then they're just fucking kids fresh out of college. Right. They might suck at journalism, but they got a job writing for a website because they submitted something and the editor liked it.

And the editor might be a fucking moron. Yeah. And they are wrapped up in this world of social justice warrior ethic and this is the trend of the youth but here's all they all think that they're helping things yeah and look we all want equality we want progress they don't realize that we want that we're just evil men to them i which is so gross but they don't realize that that's going to come for them yes it's gonna you know it has to and it does it does and it's it's going to come for them. Yes. It has to. And it does. And it does come for them. It does come for them. And it's not pretty.

And then you're going to go, Jesus Christ, how'd this happen? It's going to happen. You fed that monster to bit your leg. There you go. You fed it. You fed that monster. No one's standing up. The real problem is stopping the real issues, whether it's sexism or homophobia.

The real homophobia. issues whether it's sexism or homophobia the real homophobia like people like chanting all fags go to hell like sure there's westboro baptist church that's real homophobic that's real it's not this perceived thing because you don't think that it's the best idea for trans men to use a child's girl's bathroom right you know what i mean like what are we doing here? No, we're all together. Everyone. All genders. Gender non-specific. Enormous bathrooms

with giant men with dresses on shitting right next to little girls. Right. You know, while your father waits outside. Like, what is this?

I'm with you. And it stunts progress because, you know, you might say a fact that you just read off Google, you know, you read off the census or whatever.

Excuse me. And it says, like, the dropout rate you know you read off the census or whatever uh excuse me and it says like uh the the dropout rate with black children is through the roof or whatever and then you say that people go whoa whoa you're racist you're like well maybe if we work on that we can solve this problem and help it or you know like i thought you cared about this group like let's try to you know it's like we had a leaky pipe and you're like we gotta fix that but whoa whoa what do you hate pipes like no i'm'm trying to, let's work on it. Let's help. Isn't that the whole point?

But if you call somebody these horrible things, then the media picks up on that one little headline, that one tweet, and now you're fucked. Yeah. So you can't do anything. Now you're just, fuck, I won't even leave the house or tweet or say anything. Well, this is a fairly new thing, right? The world of clickbait articles online. And I think it's going to probably morph into something else. Yeah.

We probably don't even see that coming. I guess. That's what I'm thinking. It feels like we're just going to go into two camps. You want some of this? I'm okay. That's what I thought. That's heavy duty.

Oh, J-Mo is going to touch it. Jamie can't get high enough. He can eat like a thousand milligram edibles and barely affects him i'm a shroom guy jamie oh me too oh yeah i enjoy him oh i love a shroom that's my favorite drug it's a pretty goddamn good drug i mean no hangover it's five hours a lot better after it's over yeah you feel good you think some good shit it's almost like clearing the trash yeah yeah yeah like a defragging of the hard drive. Yes, yes. You see some shit clearly. You laugh.

It's almost, you can't live like that because you just stare at that knife and go, all right, that knife was made in Taiwan. Some guy, he had a life. He had a wife. He had kids. He was molested. You just keep going back and you're like, whoa, shit, I've spent two hours on the knife. And then if you do that with everything in the fucking room, Jamie's gay, then you go off into that world.

Never move. You never move. That's true. Or you go too far, and then you're like, what's the point? Yes, exactly. Well, I am one of everything. I'm a part of a molecule. Exactly.

This molecule combines with all other molecules around it. Right. Need some Sam Harris shit. Atoms and electrons. Whoa. That's why I love Neilil degrasse i could just listen to that guy because he makes science accessible and i'm like oh he's so right he took a sip of water that water had a molecule in it from abraham lincoln who fucked a kid and that

kid you know uh rode a donkey down a hill i don't think abraham lincoln fucked any kids bro he's freed the slaves that top hat had a kid in it oh Oh, no. A four-year-old and seven-year-old ago. I find this really hard to hear. Sorry. See, I like horrific jokes. I do, too, man. Roast battle's one of the rare places still left where they can go hard in the paint. Right.

Right. I love that. And then they hug afterwards. Yeah. That's like part of the show. Moses sets up the rules when he gets on stage, and he says when it's over, no physical, nobody gets physical, no pushing, no shoving, no hitting.

Yeah. But afterwards, everybody hugs. I love it. I've seen that. There's like a handicapped kid who gets fucking brutally shit on, and then he'll shit on someone else with like, and it's funny because you go, we talk about slut shaming, fat sh shaming you go down to the core again and those are all the jokes you know you fuck black guys you're fat as shit you're a whore you're you're secretly gay your mom fucks everybody like

it all comes back to those old you know those old things we pretend like oh that doesn't matter you can do whatever you want but yet when it comes insults, it all goes back to that hard shit. It's part of being a person. Yeah. I mean, this utopia they're chasing, if they ever achieved it, it would be the most boring fucking place on earth. It's not that we shouldn't work towards utopia because that's ultimately going to make reality better. Agreed. And it is better already.

Yeah, it's definitely better. That's another thing that people don't like to hear. Even though there is racism and sexism and murder and rape and crime all over the world, it is a fucking way better place to live today

than it's ever been in history. Oh, yeah. And we're lucky. No doubt about it. You and I and everybody listening to this, we're all lucky

that we're alive this time. This is the time where you don't have to worry about, you know, invading hordes of Mongols coming over the hills with swords and fucking bows and arrows. You don't have to worry about, you don't have to worry about invading hordes of Mongols coming over the hills with swords and fucking bows and arrows.

You don't have to worry about most things that people lived in fear of in terms of disease and injury. Most of that stuff they can fix. They can diagnose things now. People live way longer now. There's nutrition and health. There's way more things to do and listen to. Oh, yeah. You think about if nobody was smart enough to invent a plane or the internet or cars,

we'd be fucked. There's more geniuses now than ever in history. Yes, this is a wonderful time. Yeah, there's a few problems, but there's also a bunch of whining cunts who fuck up everything because all they do is constantly complain, and they make you miss the beauty of life. Yes. What did I say the better

things are the more people complain it's the rich lady at the nice restaurant with the lukewarm champagne it's also people that are in this cult there's a cultural trend the cultural trend is like complaining and activism and they they think even journalists should be activists right that they should be promoting the ideology that they subscribe to. And, I mean, this is what's also leading to a lot of this censoring people on social media. Yeah. And, you know, and deplatforming people. All that stuff comes from the same sort of idea that you're socially engineering the world. Instead of subscribing to the First Amendment, to freedom of speech, so we can all work out who should be able to who's right

and who's wrong yeah when you soon as you say that someone can't talk then you don't allow this working out process you've just decided that you're the dictator right right so if you've got this culture of compliance where everybody is almost shamed and bullied into believing one thing and pushed into this direction. And especially when the vast majority of tech is controlled, at least socially, by people that subscribe to very progressive ideas and very liberal ideas. And that's also a part of the culture of the people that are going to universities, and those are the people that are getting the jobs at Google, right? Right.

So it's all this self-fueling thing. Yeah, yeah. And I'm a liberal cuck, douche, twat, loser. But I feel like there's some, you got to have some common sense here. You got to stay out of that weird fog that everybody gets in. And then the brainwashing happens. And they all start blowing each other. And it's chaos.

Yeah, you got to stay out of the weeds. Yeah. And even that Andrew Yang guy talking about getting people to stop eating meat. Like, hey, no. Yeah, come on. Stop. You can't. That's what I liked about him.

He was analytical. He was just, let's fix this problem that's broken. He probably believes that that's key to making the world a better place. All right. I think there's a lot of people that would argue against that. I think if he sat down with those people and had a debate, I don't think he'd do well. I think if someone who could explain the nutrition requirement, like really explain, like a Chris Kresser guy, based on actual science, someone like Rhonda Patrick, no, you're not going

to stop people from eating beef. Just stop. That's not smart. It's not wise You're going to put all these ranchers out of business It's an elitist thing to say You don't understand how many jobs are on the line You don't understand how many people love steak

And wouldn't have a problem If you don't kill the cow Tell me what happens They live forever What happens? They become fairies? What happens? Then they're dead

Sitting there Let them free And they get taken out by bears and mountain lions in your backyard So we rise of predators Or we just let them breed everywhere And then every time you're trying to drive to the store A bull comes and smashes the side of your fucking car Because it's got a heart on

Because that would happen What are you going to let them roam free? What are you going to do? Are you going to cull them? Are you going to give them birth control? What are you going to do at this point? How about we just eat them responsibly and ethically? How about that?

How about we feed them grass It's real healthy food. And if you believe a life is life, just one life is worth a life. Well, you're responsible for way more death because you're responsible for birds and bugs and ground nesting birds and fucking rodents and anything that gets chopped bunnies. They get chopped up in those combines. Yeah. Farmlands that displace wild animals left and right. They put fucking

pesticides into the ground there's a lot of fucking chemicals that get released into the ground even like what you would call like organic agriculture like you're still using machines you're still there's a lot of bad shit that happens to the world it's also funny how like these people love animals so much and yet if you watch like an animal planet animals are the most vicious cruel evil uh survivalist they're just get out of my way i want to save my family or eat dinner but they're right about factory farming they're right about the the repulsive feeling that you get when you look at animals they're stuffed into these pens and these inhumane conditions they're right about that they're not right about farms though they're not right about sustainable farms like joel salatin he's the guy that has this place called polyface farms where they talked about large-scale natural agriculture and raising

animals in the environment they're supposed to be in like those pigs they move around a fence so they create a fence for these pigs and then they move the fence to another location after a certain time. So they push the pigs into this new area, and the pigs are always free. So they're always free roaming and eating acorns and stuff that pigs naturally eat. I think they supplement them with other food as well, healthy food, but they don't behave like a scared animal that's trapped in a pen just freaking out they they live like an animal lives yeah you know the argument and it's a real argument like why should you be able to kill why should you be able to eat something that's an animal so it's a good argument it's a real argument and if you really are an ethical person

and you look at that argument and that's your point like we shouldn't be able to kill it's it's a good i understand you don't want anything to die and you don't want anything to suffer what the way i look at it is the natural world is this fucking shark tank that's what i'm saying yeah and all you're doing if you're eating meat if you're eating it in an ethical way you're removing most of that from the animal's life and at the end of the animal's life you're putting a bolt through its brain you might think that that's a horrible terrible thing to do that that that cow gets shut off in a second but if that cow was living in the real world it would get ripped apart by wolves right that's what a cow used to be used to be an animal that had to run for its life and the wolves would sneak up on

them and they would tear their legs apart and start eating them asshole first. I've seen the ducks. That's what every animal does. It's crazy. They all die like that. All herbivores that live in a farm environment, if they're free range, if they're grass fed cows

that are just wandering around, all of them live a far superior life to any of their wild counterparts. They'll live longer. They'll be healthier. And if it's someone like a Joel Salatin or someone who does ethical farming where they have large-scale, big, giant patches of land where these animals are allowed to roam free and eat grass, the only real problem they have is when grizzlies move in. That's when they have a problem, when grizzlies and wolves find out about their cattle. So when the natural enemies of these animals encounter them in these encaged areas, then they have to keep them out. They have to protect these animals that they're going to kill from the animals that want to kill them.

The whole thing is crazy. It's crazy, yeah. But it's crazy on both sides. It's all entitlement, really. It's like a narcissism. Like, we need to stop this, and this is it. But you're like, no, the world has a plan already. It's going entitlement, really. It's like a narcissism. Like, we need to stop this, and this is it. But you're like, no, the world has a plan already. It's going to happen.

There's a food chain and a pecking order, and they're going to get eaten. But I don't think we should support factory farming, and I think they're right about that. I think when you see factory farming, you see the horrific conditions that some of these animals have to live in, and then, you know, they just, I mean, some of the pig farms, man, they flew a drone over one of them. And it had a lake. I mean, like a lake filled with pig shit and piss. And it was the most disgusting looking fucking lake. And these animals were all stuffed into this area.

And they would shit into this pipe. And the pipe would lead into these enormous lakes of pig shit and piss. And you're like, well, these are like these meat factories. These meat slash torture factories. That's not how pigs are supposed to live. Right. A pig's supposed to live like the Joel Salatin pigs live. I thought pigs liked shit.

They're wandering around. Didn't they? Pig and shit. Isn't that the thing? Slop. They like to roll around. Some pigs, I think, like to roll around in the shit. They definitely roll around in shit, but they don't want to just live stuffed on top of

it. Right, right. They're shitting into a metal grate. Ew. You ever see that video, Jamie? Yeah, I can't pull it off. Right, of course. Yeah, you can.

We get pulled off of YouTube. It's kind of like. It's a pretty terrifying video. It's like rehab. You ever look at a rehab? They're always so nice. You know, these people are always like, oh, this person was a heroin addict. We got to save him.

I'm like, man, I should get out on heroin and go to rehab. They're like in Malibu and shit. Yeah, they overlook the ocean. they're amazing birds it looks pretty good right but hey i've never done heroin because i know i'll get hooked yeah it seems like one to avoid yeah yeah i don't even think pain pills are good to uh to take i've dabbled but yeah i i know how addictive it is jordan Peterson just checked himself into rehab. What? Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. For what? He got on an anti-anxiety, Klonopin. Oh. An anti-anxiety medication because his wife is. That's heavy stuff. His wife's dealing with heavy cancer, like liver cancer. Whoa.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's been going through operations. And apparently she's doing well now. And he's trying to get off of this stuff. And when he tried to get off of it, he had such a horrible withdrawal that he, this is according to his daughter. It's on the news. It's on the news, yeah.

He had to check himself in. So it's an anti-anxiety medication, apparently. That's how it's used. It's one of the ways it's used. But it's a strong one. Klonopin, it sounds like a drug that people people take that i mean my friends took that in high school that's no xanax that's like heavy duty what is it like i it was just like it shut you down it was you know it was just is that one of the ones that they drink on it you're ruined to take people off a heroin that's methadone but isn't there another one wasn't that isn't

colonopin one of those ones that they use as therapeutic? I just know people take it recreationally and go into K-holes. They do? Yeah. Oh, K-holes. Klonopin puts you in a K-hole, too? Or that's ketamine, I'm sorry. Ketamine, yeah.

But some people take it, too. It'll fuck you up. It just fucks you up. Yeah, like two beers and one of my friends tried to jump out of a window on it. Like, it is bad news. I think he was just really devastated that his wife was essentially dying right in front of his eyes. And so he probably couldn't handle it, so he got on some medication. Wow.

He's one of those guys you're like, ah, he's tough as a bull. He'll be fine. But then, you know, everybody's human. Well, also, I think he's wise enough to understand his physical limitations. And I don't, I've never experienced real withdrawal. I mean, I've experienced like caffeine withdrawal withdrawal, but never a real opiate withdrawal. Apparently, it's fucking horrible. It might actually be a smart thing to check yourself in rehab with people that know how to deal with it and help you through it.

It's the same thing as Klonopin. It's called Klonazepam. Oh, okay. So there's like a street name? Yes. But a doctor prescribed it right Which is weird Like oh the doctor gave him the crack

It's okay Well all those pills are bad news It's pharmacy crack Yeah You know That's what fentanyl is right Fentanyl is out of control It can treat panic disorder

And anxiety and seizures It can cause paranoid Or suicidal ideation Yikes And impair memory Judgment and coordination Combine This makes sense For a lot of people I know.

Combining with other substances, particularly alcohol, can slow breathing and possibly lead to death. Jesus. There you go. Doctor needed. Doctor, doctor. Prescription. Hook it up.

Dude, I can't. I just can't. I need some Klonopin. Why? But you never take a Percocet and just lay it in a pool? No. Oh, baby. I took either a Percocet or a Vic it in a pool? No. Oh, baby, don't. I took either a Percocet or a Vicodin once at one of my knee surgeries.

Yeah. And I was like, this is terrible. Oh, really? Oh, my God, I hated it. Whoa, that's good. That's a blessing. You don't want to like it. It made me really stupid.

Yeah. Like, my brain was so numb. I was like, I'd rather be in pain. Wow. Ignorance is bliss. It's a convulsion or anti-epileptic drug as well huh that means it's strong so it must do a bunch of different shit yeah also use treat panic attacks so he must have been having pan attacks yeah i mean if it's your best time of your life you know you were an

embattled professor fighting against social justice warriors and then some sort of crazy law that was going to enforce 198,000 gender pronouns. And he was like, hey, this is crazy. Like, let's stop. Stop. Stop. Yeah, I remember that. And then he becomes a national celebrity.

And people fight him and they're angry with him. But also people are realizing the extent of the chaos that's going on in these universities where these they, them, zim, zur, they demand these pronouns, these nonsensical, made-up pronouns. And he was like, you can't enforce speech. You can't enforce people. He's like, you understand what this is and where this goes. It leads to tyranny. And everybody thought he was being

really exaggerating and over the top. Then as time's gone on, you realize, oh no, he just saw all this. He saw all this coming. He was right like people are radicalizing and they're and it's about a lot of it is about compliance they want people to comply i want you to comply with my new pronouns if you ever see that video there's a video where um this guy goes up and uh he says uh hey guys uh point of privilege um i um i have a what was it what did he get a problem with i get

distracted very easily and if you could just please keep the fidgeting and the moving around and then this other guy gets up after him and says uh i just want to stop the gendered language we're saying i mean and they're serious and the woman who's giving the speech is calling everyone comrades yeah she's calling them comrades because she's like a socialist. You've got to listen to this. You're going to fucking howl. Give me some volume. Is this a university?

No, it's at some... Oh, it's a socialist convention. Here, listen to this. Defeat capitalism. We are going to need a party that will organize working people to fight for the demands that we want and to win socialism. Thank you so much. No, I'm sorry. Quick point of privilege.

Quick point of privilege. Guys. This is like a sketch. First of all, James Jackson, Sacramento, he, him. I just want to say, can you please keep the chatter to a minimum? I'm one of the people who's very, very prone to sensory overload. There's a lot of whispering and chatter going on. It's making it very difficult for me to focus.

Poor guy. Can we just, I know we're all fresh and ready to go, but can we please just keep the chatter to a minimum? It's affecting my ability to focus. Thank you. Thank you, comrade. Thank you, comrade. Point of personal privilege. Yes.

Please do not use gendered language to address everyone. Oh, this is scary, man. Oh, wow. Oh, this is scary, man. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. I've played this gig, by the way. Thank you, comrade.

That is the person that went up there. Oh, boy. Some dude with a dress and a red wig. I just want to hug these guys. Come on, folks. We got a life to live. I just want to watch them from a distance on YouTube. Well, yeah. Over here. That's a good point. I don't want to hug. I don't want to be there. I don't want to be there either. these guys and come on folks we got a life to live from a distance on youtube well yeah over here that's a good point i don't want to be there i don't want to be there either but i thank you

comrade we're gonna make socialism win like those that's their foot soldiers people that get easily distracted and get mad when you call everybody guys yeah point of privilege point of personal privilege i didn't know that was a new thing but i'm gonna use that from now on i like that time i'm upset about something at my house i I'm going to say, point of privilege. You guys turn the volume down, your stupid, shitty show you're watching. Next time I get heckled at a show, I'm going to go, hey, you didn't say point of privilege before you called me a homo. When I was still working at a restaurant, they made it a point to tell us that at two

restaurants, I sat us down. This is probably 2010, 2011. I've seen it come around now again to stop saying guys to stop saying like hey guys they made us like folks yeah or like what would i like don't use the word guys i'd love the word folks i use it all the time i use folks all the time it's a fun thing to say yeah folks i like it i actually enjoy the word it's very comedy hello folks yeah yeah it's like a light-hearted Sort of greeting I'm into it

Folks is good I'm on board with folks Problem I had with it All of the tables Wouldn't do it Back to us They would all use guys And it would almost

A lot of times Be women using it And I'm like I'm like fighting The language we're using Well that's a microcosm For the whole country Isn't it

You should explain to them That they're not woke And you should have Educated them Woke wasn't a thing This was an opportunity To educate And and you fucking dropped the ball. That's how they turned on you. They turned on you.

You should use your platform for good. This is an opportunity to educate, and what are you doing? If your comedy is not involving progress and social justice, then it's bullshit. This was during Occupy Wall Street, so mic checks are still a thing. Oh, mic check. Mic check is my favorite. What's mic check? They would thing. Oh, mic check. Mic check was my favorite. What's mic check? They would yell it out.

Mic check, mic check. All pigs must die. And they would start like this fucking chant, but they would yell out mic check. Like if someone needed to say something, they would yell out mic check, mic check, and everybody else would listen. What is he going to say? They're playing. They're playing.

They're playing protester. That's fun. It's like a hip hop concert. We used to play cowboys and Indians, but that's racist. You can't do that anymore, so now they play Protester. Yeah. I remember that Wall Street thing. I went down there.

Half those kids are bankers now. Did you know that? No. Half the kids that are protesting. How do you like that? 50% of them. No way. I made that number up.

All right. 100% made it up, but I wouldn't be surprised. If someone told me those kids just gave up and now they drive Ferraris and they do a lot of coke. I'd be like, I knew it. Yeah. They just wanted to belong. That was the interesting thing about the Aziz special when he said, who saw that thing in the post? And the guy's like, oh, I saw it.

He goes, was it the post? He goes, yeah, I think it was the post. He goes, I made the whole thing up. Did you see that in the Aziz special? No. That was the best part of the whole special was he just made up a scandal. And he goes, how many people saw that? And like, you know, half the hands go up.

And he's like, what paper was it in? The guy was like, I think it was the post. And he goes, well, I made it a scandal. And he goes, how many people saw that? And like, you know, half the hands go up. And he's like, what paper was it in? The guy was like, I think it was the Post. And he goes, well, I made it all up. The guy looked like a complete idiot. And it was a great moment because it just showed we're so scared of not being on the right side and not being around and aware that you just lie. Right. And now it's on Netflix forever.

Oh, my God. Yeah, it's fucking embarrassing. That guy wants to sign the release. He fucked up. I guess so. It's always shocking what people will sign. You see cops or whatever, and you're like, wow, somebody signed off on that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Every episode, those people have to sign off.

Yeah. Some lady's got a bag of crank in her hatchet wound, and she's like, yeah, I'll sign that. Speaking of crank, you remember Crank Yankers? That was a great... It's coming back. New season. Jim Florentine is very happy Oh That show They used to do it in Vegas

So Because it was in Vegas Vegas You could record someone's phone calls If they don't know It's okay In California Like everybody has to know

You have to know I have to know I have to say Hey man I'm gonna record this call And you're like Okay my name's Mark Norman Yeah

And then we'd go ahead Right In Vegas it doesn't matter They can just call you up No laws Well it makes you wonder I'm going to record this call And you're like Okay my name's Mark Norman Yeah And then we'd go ahead Right In Vegas it doesn't matter They can just call you up No laws Well it makes you wonder I just realized That show

No one answers the phone anymore No one talks on the phone How are you going to Crank call somebody Right Robocalls Yeah I think it's like Customer service people

And businesses You can still get people To answer Older people will answer I'll answer occasionally Alright Every now and then I'm like like, who's this fucking number? Also, when did it go from prank to crank?

When I was a kid, it was prank. When did that flip? Yeah, well, I think, yeah, crank phone calls, though, when I was a kid. Oh, okay. When I was a kid, we used to call it crank phone calls. Maybe it was like someone, right? I think you do a prank and you do a crank phone call. Like a prank is pulled and you crank call. I wonder if that's from crank. Like the old phones, you had to spin that weird thing.

Oh, yeah. Give that a go. Will you, J-Mo? I wonder if that's an origin. When I was a little boy, you'd have to do that thing with the dial. Oh, yeah, the rotary. I remember when they invented push button phones. I thought it was magic. I had to save so much time. This is incredible, so much time. The rotary was like my grandfather's house. I remember that. We used to make calls. Took forever. And if you got all the way to nine and you fucked up.

I had to hang up. Oh my god, you had to start all over again. It took so long to make a call. My generation's version of that was T9 texting. Remember? Oh yeah. 9-9-9-9-8-8-8-4 5-5222 You know And it took six weeks

To tell somebody Hey I love you Yeah That was terrible But if they could do that They have those little flip phones today That Nokia Just released a bunch of them

That have a few Google apps In them And I wonder If they just had voice to text If they just had voice to text You might be able to get by Just talking your text messages out but on a flip phone oh no no no but if they have a couple of google apps i wonder if

those flip phones have voice to text the internet i'm pretty pretty sure of that that like it connects to the internet so no that phone doesn't connect to the internet you know by default it's not you know i mean well they have apps though I think most of these phones, like even these ones that are flip phones, are probably 3G and 4G. I'm not saying they don't connect. I'm just saying by default, they're not connected. My iPhone, I think, I'm pretty sure it's connected to the internet right now all the time because all the apps are running.

So when you're doing Siri and it's doing voice translation, it's connecting to an AI app that's translating your voice. And if you're not, like with that flip phone, if it it's not connected to the internet you'd have to have all of that stored on the phone now you have to have a big hard drive right that's the but that's the difference between that and like notes because notes is doing it right from your phone you could have you could have your phone on um airplane mode and you talk into the notes yeah and you could be on a plane and you could say it and it'll translate what you're saying. Well, you don't want to say.

Okay. You don't want to define what I said. You don't want to say your bid on a plane. No, you're not wrong. You're not wrong. You're right about Siri. Siri doesn't work when you're not connected to the internet. But right here, we could do this.

We could go into notes. I'll put my phone in airplane mode. All right. I'll shut off the Wi-Fi. Maybe it's less accurate or something. It's got to be. I just don't think, I think Siri is actually doing a bunch of different shit, not just translating your text.

Whereas this is translating your text. So if you're going to text message somebody, my point, they might be able to get that on a phone, have nothing to do with the internet, but you could just write a text out. So I'm offline here. Let's try it. Mark Norman has been sucking cock secretly

since he got here. Bam, it did it. The whole thing? Yeah. Did it nail it? Yeah, it nailed it. Wow, maybe it's true. It nailed it also with no internet.

So it's definitely not online. Whoa. See? Airplane mode is off. That's even scarier. Airplane mode is on, Wi-Fi is off. That means they're listening to everything No

It means your phone Can translate text to speech Or speech to text Alright well that too So a flip phone You could get by with a flip phone That does that Right

Better than that T9 nonsense That Ari Shaffir has to use But again Just don't say your bits Into your phone in public You know Be like Nazi jizz sandwich

You know And that'll get you kicked out of a you know right southwest flight yeah if you were like sitting there waiting in line at a flight like imagine if nazi jizz was the most delicious shit on earth there's something about really hating it is the purest jizz it's the whitest it's something like you have to get them to really hate jews and you suck their cock right when they're in full seat hile and it's like the sweetest nectar. Imagine if they found that out.

How the fuck did they find out that fish eggs were edible, that caviar is worth something? All that shit's clams. All that shit's crazy. What were they looking for? Even cheese. Some guy had to eat old milk. Yeah. Oh, my God, right?

Or a lemon. You bite into a lemon like, oh, I'll keep this. Well, what is that root, the cassava, that they eat in the Amazon? There's this root that apparently it creates strychnine. What? Yeah, it's like one of the main staples of their diet, too. And they have to soak it and process it in water. How'd they learn that?

They leave that water around like little kids, and nobody ever fucks with the water because it's like full-on poison. Yeah. And they just have a bucket of it sitting around. If you drank it, it'd kill you instantly. Crazy. It's strychnine water. And they take that cassava root, and they turn it into a bunch of different dishes. Whoa.

It's this really nutty process where they have to boil this stuff for like hours and strain it. My friend Steve Ranella was filming a show called Meat Eater on Netflix down there. Seen that. And he was watching them make this cassava shit. And if you do it wrong, it kills you. Yeah. And it's the main thing in their diet. Wow.

That's where tapioca comes from. What? Whoa. Tapioca is a starch extracted from the cassava root through a process of washing and pulping. What is tapioca? Jesus. You mean, is it a- Besides delicious. It's a pudding, right pulping. What is tapioca? Jesus. You mean, is it a... Besides delicious.

It's a pudding, right? What's better, tapioca or vanilla pudding? Tapioca. Why? I don't know. I don't know. But it is.

Pudding's kind of gone away. I love pudding. I love chocolate pudding. Oh, like a snack pack? Remember those? God, I could eat eight of those. You know what the real pudding

is, though, that people don't get anymore? They don't get the pudding that you make where you mix it and you make it on the stove. It gets the skin on top. I love that skin. That's the black skin I like.

And then you crack into the skin. Yeah. You crack into the skin to get to the – And then you put it in your bowl and it's warm when you eat it. Yes. Jell-O pudding? Pudding. Yeah.

Jell-O pudding. You can have Jell-O pudding, but there's better companies. I've never heard of one. Well, Cosby. There must be other companies. Do you avoid Jell-O pudding You can have Jell-O pudding But there's better companies I've never heard of one Well Cosby There must be other companies You don't Do you Jell-O is the big one Avoid Jell-O pudding

Because of Cosby I mean they're forever Connected to him Yeah but I think He's been out for a minute Of Jell-O Been out of the Jell-O business Yeah yeah

But that Remember it was that little box It was so exciting Yes The box The powder Shake the powder You had the whisker

Yes The blender rather Whatever What was that thing? The electric one? The whisk. Yeah, or you could do it that way. Yeah, yeah.

And you get all the stuff dissolved, all the powder dissolved. Oh, yeah. And then you slowly simmer it on the stove. You'd always get mad if your sister was, like, turning up the heat too much. You're turning it up too much. It's going to burn. Fucking idiot. You know what you're doing.

Jell-O instant pudding. There it is. Still out there. Still going. Yeah, see those packs when you open them. Jell-O instant pudding. There it is. Still out there. Still going. Yeah. See those packs when you open them up? Not as good. Right.

Not as good. But I'll tell you what, it's goddamn delicious. Jell-O pudding with, they have a sugar-free Jell-O pudding. It has like no sugar in it at all. And you could eat like a hundred of them. I don't know. It doesn't even feel like you ate anything. Yeah, yeah.

How about that was big as a kid and Rice Krispie Treats. Like the real ones in the pan. Yes. That was a big deal. The real ones. What is this? What are they doing? They're putting pudding on a steak? Is that what you're saying? Oh, interesting. Is that what that is? It says it's steak pudding. Steak pudding. What? Maybe it's so

tender. Oh, yeah. I think that's probably what you're saying. They can make it into a pudding? I don't know. The preview is just them cutting steak real thin. How to make chocolate pudding? Look at these guys. Whoa. Oh my god. This used to be like an afternoon. Like you would do this. Now you just go buy it. What the hell? That looks amazing.

Oh, this is a different thing. This is like steak in some sort of... 1788. Look how... Look, they dress like old-timey people. What's those brothers that made those videos? Friars? The songs? Those brothers, they all wore the clothes from the 1800s,

and they drank out of mason jars. Who are those guys? It's not the Abbott brothers. No, no, no. God damn it. I want to say the Brunson brothers. That's not it either No

You know what I'm talking about? No No idea Let's leave this podcast With everybody in suspense I'm never going to find that No Someone's going to tweet you

I had it in my head yesterday Because I was just thinking Of that moment From the Wayans brothers I saw the other Monsters and Mice Oh the singers Yes

Yes Yes Evan No Mumford and Sons Mumford and Sons Yes You got the brothers in there Throw me off I fucked that up Oh, the singers. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, Avid. Avid. No, Mumford & Sons. Mumford & Sons. Oh, boy. You got the brothers in there.

You're throwing me off. Yeah, me too. I fucked that up. Ah, Mumford & Sons. Yes. Who are the sons and who's Mumford? How does that work? That's a good question.

See, that's exactly how they dress. Is that right? No. Oh, what do I know? But they dress old-timey. Are they still around? Oh, those guys were great. I saw them live once. They were killer. Killer. Great music. But they they dress old-timey. Are they still around? Oh, those guys were great. I saw them live once.

They were killer. Killer. Great music. But they dress real old-timey. Uh-huh. Did they update? Yeah, they kind of lost it a little bit. But didn't they have videos where they dressed like they were from the 1800s?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, there you go. They're wearing, like, somebody forced them into that. Guaranteed there's a marketing guy behind that. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I need you. I need you in these vests.

Vests are going to make it. No one. No one is wearing vests. I hate a vest. You guys can be the vest guys. I'm telling you. There's not a lot of outfits to wear when you have a banjo and a stand-up bass. That's true.

Banjo is a whole accessory in its own. Yeah, you can dress like that. Now they're dressed like cool guys. Those guys might as well be the Black Keys. Those guys are killer. They really, they cook. Jordan Peterson posts photos with Mumford & Sons. Well, they're both doing Oxycontin.

Ah! Oh, yeah. At me. Hey! Yeah. Mark Norman, it's almost four hours in. No! Yeah.

Oh, shit. Three hours in, hours and what, 40 minutes or something? Oh shit Listen to my podcast For Christ's sake Tell people how to get to it iTunes, the whole jizz, you know how it goes The internet, Tuesdays with stories, me and Joe List And yeah, I'm on the road

MarkNormanComedy.com, follow me on Twitter And yell at me and the whole thing And he's going to be with me tonight at the Improv for two shows. I was so excited you texted. Yes. Owen Smith and Ali Makovsky. So we'll see you freaks there. Praise Allah.

Bye, everybody. Big kiss. That was great, man.