The Joe Rogan Experience - #1357 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: October 1, 2019

Ari Shaffir is a stand-up comedian and also hosts the podcasts "Ari Shaffir’s Skeptic Tank" & "Punch Drunk Sports" both available on Spotify.

Ari Shafir we're here it's sober October bleh are we allowed to smoke cigars yeah we're allowed to smoke cigars

let's smoke a cigar let's fucking bend the rules a little I have three in my trunk I have two right here yeah yeah these are good

I was smoking cigars with Burr on the show people are gonna be mad at us this is tobacco you're using tobacco products you're totally cheating

well they can suck my cheese hmm um they can or it, they can suck my cheese. They can or it can? They can suck my cheese with their fucking stupid rules. It's already hard enough. Okay, cheese. Do you remember one time you weren't masturbating for a month?

Yeah. Do you remember that? Yeah. And all those people were like, yeah, but you're having sex. Don't do it with sex. And you're like, dude, I'm not playing your game. I'm doing a thing for myself. Doing my game. Yeah.

But he wants rules. I start working out. Oh, what are you doing? Oh, just bench? Yo, dude, you got to do legs or you're not doing anything. Can you give me two times? Yeah, well. Are you doing ISO?

Isn't that the problem, Joe, with just interacting with people online? There's always going to be someone that's upset at you. Yeah, mad at you. Yeah. For trying. For anything. You'd rather I don't try. Anything.

No matter what you're doing, there's someone pissed. Yeah. What are you going to do? It's such a crazy place, the internet. Oh, it's so crazy. And that's where we make our home. That's what's really crazy. It really is nuts.

Are you on that light phone now? No, it hasn't come yet. It's coming at the end of October. I'm trying a regular phone this month. A regular phone? Yeah. So I got a new number. Spark that. Oh, yeah.

Like a cell phone? Yeah. Like a real cell phone? Like a smartphone? No, I got a new number due to a regular flip phone. Okay. But the old number, I'm keeping it on on a smartphone. I'm seeing if I can handle it for a month.

You can handle it. a month you can handle it I don't know signs are not great already it's the fucking being alone and just kind of flipping through watching Walking Dead

and then flipping like double screens my daughter has a phone now but she has a little thing my young my middle daughter not like the older one

that would be ridiculous but where she has a screen limitation where she can only uh use the screen could you turn it off can she yeah it's not just one alarm no she doesn't get to we do it so she got an hour and then what happens after the hour stops working what stops working everything except phone calls you can get phone calls in an hour of total use see i need that but i can't find anything like that. So how

does she not be able to turn it off? Because you have the passwords for it. Yeah. Oh, so I just don't give yourself the chance to do the passwords. What do you mean? Just put it on an hour and when the hour's on, over, just accept it in your head. That's not going to happen. Wow. That's crazy talk. Jamie,

explain to him. That's crazy talk. It doesn't work. I know. An hour? Well, for a kid, maybe. No matter what the time limit is, as soon as you see your time's up, you just go, oh, well, let me finish sending this one thing. I'm hoping that Bert and Tom both say that we cheated already because we're smoking cigars and we're good. Dude, the first year- I'll take everybody to dinner somewhere.

Somebody said kombucha. They were like, kombucha already cheated. I was like, guys, you tell me right now if this is cheating because I'm done. It's cool. I'm out. One of the great things about our contest is there's no real ramifications other than talking shit. You know, like Bert came in last, but what happened to him?

What happened to him? Nothing. Nothing. He just talked. We just talked shit about him. All he did was talk shit and then dealt with no repercussions. We all knew that we couldn't lose to Bert. That was a massive motivating factor for everyone, including Tom. remember when tom came back and he ran 13 fucking he was done

on injury he was done well he's sick he got really sick he got the flu yeah and he came back and the day back he ran 13 fucking miles to try to catch up and he did catch up he did catch up and pass him burt was like what are you doing i thought i I was winning. I thought I was going to win. Let's hip hop dance. What are you doing? What are you doing? I thought I was going to win. What about the, is there a belt this year? No, the belt stays.

A second belt? I feel like there's no belt because it's not a competition this year. This is the problem. We're going to explain this, folks, on the Sober October podcast, which is right after this. But the problem is none of us have the time for the competition. I can't go crazy. Why? What's different from this year to last year?

I'm too busy. Question? Yes. Is your schedule not exactly the same as it was last year? More podcasts, for sure. Oh, you're doing more podcasts. Yeah, more podcasts and other various activities outside of the podcast. And then the heat that I took from my family.

Like, my kids didn't see me for a month. Yeah. That's why I thought I had some sort of chance. Because you guys had to be home. But I forgot that you guys also have gyms in your home. Yeah. I have a full gym. I had that 24-hour gym I would go to weekdays. That's pretty dope.

Yeah, on the way home from cell. That's where I got some nice points. Yeah, that's a good move. Well, when you first figured out that you could just watch a movie and that distracts you enough to do cardio and you can get some pretty good numbers, I was like, oh, that's pretty smart. Because that does distract the shit out of you. It makes it way easier.

Yeah, I would just post my workout would just be the movie that I watched. Dude, I'm already high from the cigar. I feel like we're out. I'm just hoping Tom and Bert come in in a small. Do you guys smoke cigars? Are you guys smoking cigars? I didn't know we were doing the cigars as well. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You guys are out. Oh, Tommy and I are going to win. Let's just win one. We'll stand on the platform together. First place. We don't have to compete. Yay! Let's have a dance-off for first place. Come on! Dance-off. When he was talking dance-off,

I was like, he's just going to take his pants off. I know what he's going to do. And then he did that video, and that's exactly what he did. He took his fucking pants off. That was was talking dance off, I was like, he's just going to take his pants off. I know what he's going to do. And then he did that video and that's exactly what he did. That's exactly what he did. He took his fucking pants off. That was what Big Jay did fucking first two years

in a comedy when he said he was terrible. He would do the pants off thing. Good move. And now it's what Bert's doing now 28 years in a comedy. Yeah, you should stop that. But people get mad

if he doesn't take his shirt off. I know. He's a trap. I would be mad too. If I went to see Burt Kreischer his final time doing stand-up

in my city. What's the matter? That is loud. It sounds like there's a fucking tornado in here. Does it? I can hear it

through the headphones. Is it because they're smoking cigars? Yeah, I know. Damn, I got a head rush off the cigar. That's what I'm saying. We're high, dude.

We're cheating. We're fucking for sure cheating. I don't know what I'm going to do, dude. This whole fucking the Yankees are going all the way. I'm going to have to fucking go to Yankee saying. We're high, dude. We're cheating. We're fucking for sure cheating. I don't know what I'm going to do, dude. This whole fucking, the Yankees are going all the way. I'm going to have to fucking go to Yankee games. We're out.

We're on the first podcast. We're getting high. We want to take a drug test right now. Like, elevated levels of nicotine. That's the stimulus. We should be doing so, Bombed October. We really should be going for it the other way. We could switch it up.

We could talk to those guys into it. Let's just switch it up, you guys. Some whiskey meals. Really go hard. Yum. Mushrooms every other day yeah do you imagine what kind of a person you'd be at the end of the month if you did mushrooms every other day can i tell you a story sure so i went to a music festival and there was this guy who had a lot of my camp had never done any mushrooms and this guy did mushrooms for

four straight days four straight days the second was like, can we do mushrooms again? I'm like, they're not going to work. You really have to do twice as much. He just kept going. Third day, kept going, just munching mushrooms. Four days. Didn't touch his phone at all. Didn't touch it.

He had like 4% battery the whole time it was off. And then he turned it on, and he texted, and he had to tell work he wasn't going to come in the Monday, you know. He'll work from home. They gave him some shit. He just looked at his phone. After being on shrooms for four days he looked at his phone you just see it rush into his head like this thing brings me such fucking misery and i had such a good time without it and you could just see all that said in his head he just goes he fucking launches it he just chucked his fucking iphone as far as he could. Wow. Yeah.

It was such a great moment. You can't do mushrooms too many days in a row. You get fucked up. Yeah. Did he sober up after that and then call his job and apologize and get a new phone? His other friend went and got it and held it and pointed it out. I'm like, no, I'm holding this for you. It wasn't

broken? No, it didn't break. That's amazing. Where were you guys at? Was it dirt you threw it on? It was on a dirt slash rock path. So it could easily hit a rock. Yeah, easily. Do you have a case on it? I don't know.

I don't know. I think one of the points is that he threw it. The new ones are supposed to be way more resistant to drop it. I love how as soon as they came out, they're like, oh, and if you drop it from more than a foot away, it's going to break. This brand new design, the iPhone 2010. It is a weird thing, right, where guarantee you're going to drop it. Guarantee if you drop it, it's going to break. I had Neil deGrasse Tyson on recently, and he's always got no case on his phone.

That's the thing. He marvels about the design. It's amazing design. And what you do is you get jamie rock's no case because of neil degrasse tyson's big old cop you gotta listen to him yeah why what do you say but anyway he came back and his fucking phone was broken really he dropped it because he pulled his pants off like or uh his jacket off or something like that and it was in the pocket of his jacket and it fell to the floor when he like pulled his

jacket off the couch oh yeah he didn't he didn't account for the centrifugal force of his pants coming down off the torque. Yes. Of all that, he didn't account. So he has this Starry Night Van Gogh painting. It's all shattered. A thing on the back of his phone and little bits of glass were coming off it and he realized that it was cracked. Like, uh-huh.

I got a case on mine. You're not smart. Uh-huh. so smart that you don't have a case but it is weird that there we have this super expensive thing that everybody carries around with them that if you do drop it it will get fucked up yeah what do you see that new fold phone that costs like two thousand dollars i heard about those years ago use a pen or you can't use your fingernail or anything it'll scratch oh what that's crazy that the galaxy fold yeah yeah yeah if you use a pen like you can't use like that s pen you can't use your fingernail or anything, it'll scratch. Oh, what? That's crazy. The Galaxy Fold? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you use a pen? You can't use that S-pen. You can't barely, not even a fingernail. That's dumb. How do you use it? I don't touch it softly. Well, it's so flexible, you know, because the screen has to flex. So what, do you just fingertip? It's not durable enough. It's not ready yet. This is the second design. This is the second iteration of it.

And the first iteration, like, immediately started breaking as soon as all the those, you know, those influencers, those YouTube guys, like Unbox Therapy and MKBHD. What is that? I want to take the B out. MKBHD. Is that right? Yeah. You got it.

It's just a lot of letters. Marcus Brownlee. Anyway, he's awesome. These guys, these YouTube guys that make these videos explaining all the details, technical details of these phones, they got them early, and they all broke. Really? Everyone's broke. So they had to send it back, and they did a revision of it.

It was supposed to come out in April, and now it just came out here in October. And a couple people haven't broken it already. It's $2,000. That's so expensive for a phone. The new iPhone is maybe $1,200, I think. I'm not buying it's so expensive for a phone the new iphone is maybe 1200 bucks i think i'm not buying it either i don't like the fold i don't like the whole idea it looks nice but you have a tablet on you is the point right at any moment you have a full tablet you can really type but it's not that much bigger than like a galaxy note but those things are so

big for your pocket videos and stuff netflix videos on the go. That light phone I'm excited about. The light two. You download Uber on it and stuff like that? Any apps? There's a couple apps, right? Yeah, there's a ride-sharing app. I don't know which one. I guess probably Uber, right?

There's some maps app. Uber or Lyft, but like this. That's pretty good. Look how this works. Oh. You see this shit on the outside? Oh, wow. It's all protected.

This is the Galaxy case. It's a special case. It has like a little thing on the this is my note so i have a note now and i have an iphone but the note the s pen is pretty fucking sweet i'm not gonna lie there's a lot a lot of sweetness to it yes but you do write on it yeah i write notes on it but the uh the thing about this thing that's very impressive, there's a lot of things. The size, the fact that when you have it open, it has an in-screen fingerprint reader, but there's no bezels. Look at that. What's a bezel? There's no outer rim on the outside.

It's just all screen. There's no thick black line around the outside edges. Oh, right. Oh, right. Yeah. It's just all screen. There's one little button on the top, one little hole on the top where the selfie camera is. I'm excited for Joker.

Yeah. It looks pretty good. It does look pretty good. Remember when Joaquin Phoenix was pretending to be crazy? Yeah. What was that? And you could sort of tell at the time that he was sort of pretending. Yeah.

Yeah. He had a character he was doing for a documentary. Yeah. And it was like, what is this? And you could sort of tell at the time that he was sort of pretending. Yeah, yeah. He had a character he was doing for a documentary. Yeah, and it was like, what is this? I don't get it. Did you see the guy from Empire's speech interview? Yes, yes, yes. That seems almost like he's not pretending. If he's pretending, he's doing a better job acting than Joaquin Phoenix.

What is his, Terrence? Terrence Howard, yeah. He's all a flower of life well terrence howard uh the guy who interviewed me for rolling stone told me that terrence howard is like a legitimate genius like he's like you talk to the guy the guy is absolutely brilliant maybe figured it all out i think he got high as fuck on dmt that's what it sounds like he's talking about figured it all out yeah it does sound like that right 100 yeah yeah it all makes sense like the but the inability to explain it just kind of like it's all connected, but

he was not explaining it very well, but very articulately. Like he was using, it wasn't like nonsense talk. Right. He was like, like, Oh, this is like shockingly coherent for a ridiculous thing to say. You ever have Shane on to talk about what happened to him shane which one uh shane moss no he did i think oh yeah no i've had him on back you which which what happened to him though i think he's in mushrooms every day for a month or dmt every day for a month and he also covered himself in i'm getting the terms wrong but maybe syrian rule so the shit couldn't come out of his system and he went a little bit nutty how long ago was this maybe a year and a half ago okay so i had

one before that i had one before that so we went to see roger waters he got tickets for me in providence we went down there and he was like talking like he was like i figured out these math equations and he was like the whole time he's math equations. And he was like, the whole time, he was like, dude, I know. I get it. I'm a science guy. I get this seems ridiculous. I understand why you wouldn't believe me. But I can figure shit out to the point where mathematicians are like, hmm, I never thought of it that way. He's like, I don't understand how it's possible.

But I get why you wouldn't believe that. Yeah. He was like he was, you know when you're coming out of a mushroom trip for like 30, 40 minutes, you're like not quite coherent because you've got a foot in there and a foot out here? He was like that for hours and I guess for like months. Yeah. He was just in a constant state of coming out of a mushroom trip. I did DMT three times in a day. Wow.

The third time, it was a really strong one. And it fucked me up for a while. I don't remember how long afterwards, but this was during the Fear Factor days. But I remember reality, the way I described it, the reality was very slippery. Yeah. Very slippery. I kept thinking that cars were going to fly over the incoming lane and crash into my car and kill me. Oh, real slippery. Yeah.

I kept thinking like be really careful but then i realized that what that is is like my ego trying to protect me by making me aware of imminent threats and trying to re-establish its position as uh in the the chain of uh command because like one of the things about really extreme psychedelic experiences that they dissolve the ego to the point where you realize like you don't really matter like you're a part of some crazy system and the only reason why you think you really matter is because your biology wants to stay alive because there's these inherent existential threats to your existence that have always existed throughout time and you know ultimately though it doesn't matter because

you're just going to live and die and probably live again and die again and this is like this never-ending cycle yeah and you're part of one of those guys that anytime you're like fighting it like you're just like it just means you haven't taken enough i think that was like terence mckenna one of those guys was like you just have to take more and you can can't fight it. Right, right, right. And then you're just gone, you know? Yeah, but I was fucked up for a while. Really? But I was functional. But I was real nervous and weirded out by things.

How long? How long? Weeks, maybe months. Why'd you do it three times in a day? Were you trying to do that on purpose or were you just bored? I did it. The first time was light. I went in, but I didn't go in too deep.

Yeah. But I saw the visuals and I laid there and i was like i got to the door and i could see through the windows of the house but i didn't go inside the second time it just like opened up a fucking vortex and sucked me through to the center of the universe and then it was really really really intense and then i did it again after that it's because i loved it because it was so awesome i wanted to do it one more time i I got to do it more. I guess not for a month. They make those vape pens. Yeah.

That's what we should do on November 1st. Vape pens. Yeah, we should do DMT. In the morning. Yeah, in here. You're going to be in New York. Oh, yeah. Well, as soon as we get back.

Come to my apartment. Okay. We'll do it there. Yeah. That'll work. What? That'll work. Yeah.

Yeah. You going've come to those fights No I got a wedding Oh Jesus Yeah Who's getting fucked? Prince Sal I was getting fucked over

Do they have kids? Does Sal have kids? Remember those No not yet Remember those Game Over t-shirts Yes Showing marriage They were all the rich

I love them I'm Venice Beach I love them I was like Whoa That's so bleak over t-shirts showing a marriage they're all the rich i love on venice beach i love those like whoa that's so bleak it's such a crazy institution that works out half the time it is nuts dude i was talking to my high school friends one of them we're talking about how long they've been in their place without their wife or kids like how long it's been since they've been alone in their house. You know, not on the road, and not without their wife, but with their kids,

but like alone. One friend said it was 10 years. He hasn't been alone in 10 years? Alone, slept alone in his house, where no one else was there. Well, I think that for comics, one really good thing about going on the road, you get these little resets,

and you miss them, and you come back yeah and you're happy yeah i i meet guys that don't ever leave their family yeah ever and they look beaten they just look emasculated and shrunken like deflated like i'm sure some people can do it and if you listen you're like fuck you man i'm happily married i believe you why are you so mad then i believe you i believe you i'm just saying i, man. I'm happily married. I believe you. Why are you so mad then? I believe you. I believe you. I'm just saying I see a lot of people that are beaten down. People get annoyed with each other. Like if you and I lived together.

You need a break here or there. If you and I lived in a two-bedroom apartment. We would kill each other. We would be so mad at each other. Within how long? A month or even faster? We would be. First of all, I'd be immediately saying immediately saying okay this is temporary right we're gonna

get our own apartments there's no way we can last like this but when i lived with duncan in my big house yeah it was fine for six months duncan lived with me for six months i think some of it helps if you know it is temporary kind of like summer jobs were okay because you knew at the end of august this is over but then that first year where you were just like working you're like there's no end in sight well to see roommates can be cool if they're cool right like if they pay their rent if they're never there that's the best thing you can do is to never be there yeah or if they clean up after themselves yeah always clean yeah that's big that changes everything like if your roommate just leaves their shit everywhere it's annoying even if they're not home but if your roommate cleans up yeah then they don't leave their shit everywhere then it's just a person

that you really like that you see every couple days like hey what's up man what you been up to that's fine yeah but my house you know my house is kind of big and stretched out so duncan was over in this corner and i was over in that corner it was duncan was your kato yeah yeah yeah he was my kato kato lived in a separate house though right but man he did his job he was like i right? But man, he did his job. He was like, I didn't really see much of anything. Hey, what are you going to do? I didn't really see much of anything. The guy's been really cool to me. Didn't see much of anything.

Ask me again. I'm loving this attention. I didn't see much of anything, though. I did an audition once with Kato. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was something that I was doing with McGuire and some other guy that never wound up getting made.

But anyway, we were all together, and Kato came in to read for it. How shitty is stand-up when, on your way down, that's what people go into before their last step out of complete showbiz? Dormy Daniels is doing stand-up now. Piven? Yep. Yeah, they're all like, well, let me just try this at the end. Well, stand-up, look.

No respect. But here's the thing. If they did it and loved it and respected it and was fucking gung-ho for it um i i have a unique opinion i mean i know a lot of comics get real mad at people trying to do comedy yeah i feel like anybody trying to do comedy is a comic yeah if you respect it and you treat it well that's how i've always treated open micers if you are an open micer yeah in my opinion you are a comic except the black thing you always say no no that's not anymore oh

no oh sorry oh you woke up you woke up sorry sorry yeah no it's now it's uh it's only asians of a certain can we say even joke around about it anymore they're serious they're so serious hey dude there's been so many more asian jokes around the scene lately it almost seems like this has reminded people of that whole fucking angle yeah it's like open up the door oh yeah and we should not be talking about because right now there might be ninjas in here in this room yes that's what they're good at from that you're high as fuck from that cigar yeah we're totally cheating we're already cheating blitzed um um but no i really feel like anybody what boy yeah yeah straight trans whatever the

fuck you are if you're doing stand-up you're one of us that's how i feel i mean you might be you might be terrible you might be on the on you know your first couple of days but yeah you could eventually be my peer i think that's why why the store specifically even there's this like respect for the door guys because like they go on to become the real comics and half the real comics were door guys yeah a large number so they're just like yeah you're just me but earlier yep i mean you duncan um there's a there's a bunch of sam kinnison bill hicks they were all door guys yeah yeah the store is uniquely special in that way that it really promotes uh there's a lot of people at the improv too though that are comics really oh that's cool but the door like the store rather they make a big deal out of the fact that

you can get spots you can get those late night spots which are giant you know it's five minutes to open too that's pretty cool huge we never had that those are huge and you know you get those occasional belly room shows and although you you get to meet guys like us that'll take you on the road you also get to see real good comedy night after night after night different styles yep you get to see the murderers the the murderers of the world that helped me grow a lot yeah how's is back Yeah How's he doing? Killing Killing Took two years off He used to do that thing Where he would like

Intentionally fuck up For five minutes When he was doing like 30s and 40s you know He would like fuck up For five minutes And get everybody Kind of against him

And then he could Test his stuff out Yep Yeah he would do it on purpose Corny jokes He would do corny jokes And he would also Just go what else

What else Tell people like I don't even know this guy Were you just an actor? Yeah Yeah He would just dig little holes What else what else until people like i don't even know this guy were you just an actor yeah yeah he would just dig a little what else what else i love that when a comic does that what else but if you can do that if you can dig those holes and then dig yourself out then you know that's a real bit right a bit that digs you out of holes a real bit that's a tool that's a fucking shovel you could dig a hole with that shovel you know like to bits

you know bits are pieces of expression but some of them are just tools so they're they're tools like like opening bits like i've had opening bits where like okay i need to detonate this door to get into this room clear boom detonate the door okay now we're in you know what i mean like it's a tool it's a tool to get the job done yeah yeah jake johansson used to do this joke i opened for him once in dc he's a great guy yeah he's really nice really he's really nice killer stand-up too yeah never see that guy yeah i've never run into in the road yeah mostly always but um built his own house he's tall guy he's like finally got showers are coming from over i don't have to build it himself or had somebody build it i mean i'm sure

he had someone built it oh yeah no that's not really a possibility that would be he's out there in unabomber in it yeah but it's like all lame and it's all falling apart because i don't know what i'm doing i was on the road i didn't have time to learn carpentry it's like band-aids over holes my wife's all mad at me she left me that late night tape that's supposed to stop leaks it keeps a boat yeah the bottom of the boat is filled with tape but yeah he had some joke at the very beginning and you'd go behind so like you introduce something you go off so i couldn't tell what he was doing he just said oh it's good to be here in dc and everyone would laugh and i'm like what is that joke and i asked him i finally saw because every night i would do it and he would

like it's good to be here in dc and everyone would laugh and i'm like i don't see where there's a joke that i could only hear it so i ran out to the curtain it opened up slightly so i could see and it's just an easy one he just goes it's good to be here and then he like turns around to look at the sign and goes oh uh dc i'm like oh i get it now but he goes oh dude my first five minutes like don't judge any of that yeah that's just me getting him on my side yeah just working yeah because then i got him from me and then i can do whatever i want just little tools little things to get going technique yeah savers you ever ever saver start off joke doesn't go and you're like let me get I got them from me and then I can do whatever I want. Just little tools. Little things to get going. Technique.

Savers. You ever have a saver? Start off, joke doesn't go and you're like, let me fucking real quick. Yeah,

you always gotta have those get out of jail free passes. Yeah. You only get one or two of them and then it's like, well, now it's just gonna be a full bomb.

Yeah, it could easily be a full bomb but one of the most satisfying sets you can ever have is like, you start bombing and then you pull yourself out. Yeah. Or when the crowd doesn't like you and then they slowly start

to like you yeah yeah a bit that for whatever reason just turns them yeah you know you you said something i think is so true that this is a great time for real comedy yeah yeah it's great comedy's dangerous again oh it's so much fun people hear stuff they're like whoa it's back into these little basement rooms everyone's attacking it all the time it's so great you know when people get mad at you for saying something like harsh and you walk through it like fuck you because you know like you made some catholic joke and they're all like butthurt because they're catholic yeah you know, like, you made some Catholic joke and they're all, like, butt hurt because they're Catholic. Yeah. You know, and you got them. And you know it's okay because they're only there angry and everyone else is laughing

like crazy. Yeah. Now the scale of that is just way larger. Yeah. Your stuff can go out and just, like, get a bunch of people angry. The people that are cool enough to, like, actually like the stuff, it feels way more dangerous and fun. You know what we should do With this podcast With Tom and Bert

We should do like Bud's training Bring in buckets of ice And just have vodka All over the table Oh to see if they'll be okay Yeah to see if they tap They ring the bell Yeah

I could see Bert doing that We could talk Bert And they're ringing the bell Especially if we tell them We smoked cigars And we got high We smoked cigars Laced with formaldehyde

Yeah what's that called Sherm Sherm Yeah Kids They smoke sherm Get wet did you hear about that lady this has nothing to do with that but she just got convicted today of murder she walked into the wrong apartment oh a cop right yep she thought this guy was in her apartment she shot him and killed him she said let me see your hands yeah and but he and from his point of view is like

who the fuck are you let me see your hands yeah and she shot him i didn't hear that part but i just know that she shot him and murdered him accidentally she thought he was in her place yeah she yeah it's a tough it's like i heard her like crying on the stand yeah and it was like damn but it's just like i i don't know why do you keep going to shooting? Right. Why is he shooting right away? Just don't shoot. Right. Did the guy run at you?

Yeah. It's like. Like when do you shoot someone if you find them in your house? Is the training wrong? Why unarmed people are getting shot? It's not even like, hey, get the sandwich real quick. It's not even like that. Right.

It's just like, I mean, you got it wrong. At very least, you got it wrong. Well, I've said this many times, and I think the vast majority of interactions that people have with police, they're positive. There's no problem. Yeah. And that's why you don't hear about them. But you hear about one every now and again. But that's just because there's 300 million people.

And if you count up all those one every now and again it seems like there's this fucking just yeah assault on unarmed people stories are listened to over over statistics well it's just it's people that suck at being a cop yeah and especially girls no no offense ladies but you're physically weaker right so you could get that gun taken from you someone's in your house you live by yourself maybe and you see this's in your house. You live by yourself maybe. And you see this guy in your house. And you're so terrified. Because it's like a monster.

Yeah. Like a big man is like a monster to a woman. Yeah. And then at the same time, that dude is just in his apartment and now he's dead. So that's also not great. Oh, it's terrible. But like... You're not supposed to just shoot people. Yeah, you're not supposed to just shoot people.

But in her eyes, if she really thought that she was that's why i don't understand how it's murder like what what's what's the accident isn't manslaughter like accidental shooting i don't understand any of that how's it not manslaughter yeah do you know i just was following the story a little bit i remember for some facts from a few weeks ago that there were a lot of there are at least three or four things in place here that like made it not seem like an accident. Oh, really? Like the door.

For instance, the door in those apartments. I was reading it shuts automatically. So I think she said it was unlocked or it was kind of open. And everyone that sort of knows about that apartment building is like, that's not possible. Those doors shut automatically behind you. You would have had to open the door physically. How could she open the door? Maybe it didn't shut all the way.

I don't know. I think they had a relationship maybe, too, or't shut all the way. I don't know. I don't know. I think they had a relationship maybe too or something like that. What? I don't know. I might be misremembering the facts. Oh, listen, you can't just say that. Let's Google this. Let's start Googling. I heard the guy she shot was New Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh.

Oh, and I heard he had a dick. And he denied her that dick after a while. It's like, no more dick for you. Yeah, I think it's a great time to be a stand-up. I really do think it's dangerous again. And people are while. It's like, no more dick for you. Yeah, I think it's a great time to be a stand-up. I really do think it's dangerous again. And people are like, it's like, you hear something. When you are one of those people who just go to shows, you hear something. As an audience member, you're just like, whoa. Also, the woke outrage has totally worn off and has the opposite effect.

Like with Dave Chappelle. You can just skip Dave Chappelle's new special. Oh, it must be awesome. Oh, I love the internet all coming together just to respond to those people goes cool watch who should i check out those people thanks exactly yeah thanks they're just like ignoring it too yeah you know but but chapelle special you know the whole thing with rotten tomatoes they only allowed five different woke reviewers to take care of it yeah and they gave it a zero percent and then they released it to

the public and we all loved it because everybody was mad like your job is to tell us what we'd like and you failed at that job well their job is to review things and their ideology that they're forced to exist in is woke ideology anyone who's worrying working as a journalist like there's really the same thing that Christians did When they used to review stuff for Christian content Remember that? When they would rate it based on how many kissing scenes are there How many curses are there

You don't have to see those reviews Those are like a separate people's reviews Well somebody wrote something about it That I actually retweeted today See if you can find it About the connection between theology The resemblances Between woke ideology and theology retweeted today see if you can find it about the the connection between theology the the resemblances between woke ideology and theology they're they're so similar the same yeah it's

it's about compliance we watch it doing it our way yes our way our way put your hat on you know your special underwear on it's so dumb it's so fucking whatever so dumb i hate even talking about it i love it's just like we're just writing jokes and doing fucking good things but whenever someone who's woke says something that's ridiculous it makes for great comedy richard dawkins stupid yeah so i dawkins is coming on the podcast soon too i'm excited to talk to him the righteous and the woke why evangelists and social justice warriors well click on that so I can get with the actual. Why Evangelists and Social Justice Warriors trigger me in the same way. It's the same like you got to do it my way shit.

It's the right way. It really is. Yeah. Well, it's about compliance. People love compliance. They love getting other people to fall in line. Yeah. And they get scared when people are just out there doing whatever the fuck they want to do and that that's that's with everything man that's with their diet

that's with the way they behave that's the clothes they wear people get mad they get mad if you wear your hat backwards i asked my uh my friend who's now a rabbi i asked him for help with the thing i'm doing in my hour um and uh to look it up just factually, I want to make sure I get it exactly right. Right. And he's like, no, I'm not gonna look that up for you just so you can make fun of it. I'm like,

what? That's not your job. Your job is to tell me. Yeah. I'm like, I'm a Jew asking. And he goes, no,

I'm not gonna be part of this mockery. I'm like, you haven't even seen it. You haven't seen it. Wow. Someone to help you. I know, but it's like fucking hard to find somebody who knows it,

knows it. I don't have that many people left in that part of my life he really won't help you yeah i'm like fucking shut up all you religious people all exactly the same every religion it's fucking real and then what you want in terms of like not being embarrassed but it's hilarious that they would have something they don't want you mocking just let me have information you can't hold it for me right like imagine if there was something like that with stand-up like no i'm not going to tell you how we write jokes you're just going to mock it maybe you will how do you get up at the store how do you get up at open mic tonight i'm not telling you you're just gonna mock it i mean i am gonna mock it but it's gonna be in a fun way

how do you go from being an opening act to be in the middle to be in a headliner i'm not gonna tell you i'm not gonna tell to tell you that. Are you going to mock it? It drove me so crazy. Anything you can't mock is bullshit. Dude, I was so mad. I was like, get fucked. He was like, come on. Don't use that language. You know I'm a rabbi. I'm like, eat my shit. All you religious fucks are exactly the fucking same. I'm asking for help as a Jew.

But how are you still a Jew? This is something that's always struggled Troubled people that are non-religious Jews are the rare people that can also be atheists Yeah, it's kind of like, you know how stand-up is rare And the art form that it needs other people to exist Jews are rare because you can see a cultural and racial Jew Yeah

Without being a religious Jew But it's a racial Jew But you could be born in Europe it's a racial Jew, but you could be born in Europe, or you could be born in Israel, you could be born anywhere and be a racial Jew, but yet you are not religious at all, but Jewish is a religion.

Judaism is a religion. It's both. I talk about this in my New Hour. That Jew stuff is a lot of like, it's all just stand-up, but it's a lot of stuff you've always wanted to know. Yeah. Well, you remember back when you used to tell me those stories, and I'm like, how are you not talking about this stuff on stage?

I wasn't good enough yet, or I was too close to it. But so good that you waited to get really good at stand-up, and now you can really delve into all the absurdities. Yeah. Really go into it in a way and know how to ease out so Jews don't feel attacked. There's got to be a rabbi out there

that'll give you the fucking real deal. I've got to find one. I've had rabbis come to the shows, and some of them have corrected me on stuff. I'm like, oh, interesting. Thank you. I want to get it right. Find those guys.

Yeah, yeah, I've got to find them. Your friend's lame. He's lame. Fucking lame. He's always also trying to get me to come back. He's always demeaning me. Trying to get you to come back to the fold. I don't mind it in a nice way, but not like a, you're wasting your life.

Listen, we can cover up your bald spot with a nice yarmulke. Yeah, exactly. Get you a sweet one that all the ladies like. You ever have conservative friends who don't even understand your life like what they insult you on you're like no that's a good thing yeah yeah freedom yeah when they're like you came home drunk at 5 a.m on a weekday and you're like yeah right isn't that awesome it was great i got a i got a ride i'm responsible i remember a blog you wrote a long time ago and you wrote like people you coming home and somebody like leaving and then like i think

the line was if if you could smell my finger it would blow your mind some people get super self-righteous about their choices uh well people like to feel like if they're getting up early and you're coming home as they're getting up that somehow or another they're doing better than you yeah that's not true you could have had the most fucking amazing night ever. Yeah. Pussy. What have you been doing? Watching Golden Girls and sleeping?

Fuck off. Fuck you. Especially as a comic. Like, you can't tell. Like, Mark Norman came in here with the clothes that he was wearing the night before. He came in here. He was up all night. And then he slept till noon and made his way over.

Slept till like 11 or whatever. He wore a suit. Made his way over here with his suit on. That's great. I loved it. I loved it. Fuck it. Yeah, great. I loved it. I loved it. Fuck it. Yeah, man.

That's us. That's our religion. I mean, if I have a religion, it's comedy. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. If somebody tells me something, I was like, were they joking? Yeah, well, you know, that's a joke.

Dude, my thing now is whenever I hear a comic, my instinct right now is, can you believe they said this ridiculous thing? Even if it's not on my side of things I believe, you know, I start to get angry and then I stop and go, wait a minute. Let's look at it under the lens of their comedian writing something. And sometimes they're serious, but a lot of times like, oh, you, this is a joke. There's a tongue in cheek, like exaggeration on purpose.

Or yeah. Or you try something and it doesn't work. You know, don't hold someone to what they're saying. You know, like, this is, it goes back to the Shane thing, right? The Shane Gillis thing. Leave him alone. He was just trying to be funny. He was trying to talk shit and be funny, and you miss.

And people are like, it's just racist. I'm like, yeah, but sometimes racism is funny if you say it in a way. Why don't you call it jokes about race relations? Yes, jokes about race relations. Which is something like, can't we talk about that? Yeah. Isn't that one of those big taboo things you should touch on? Yeah, can't you talk?

What races can you openly mock with no- White. Yeah, right. Indian. I guess it's going away indian and chinese was uh an asian i mean yeah you used to be able to i remember yeah it's going away right now i had a joke about pakistan yeah pakistan was about to go to war with india and he was like what are they fighting over who smells the worst and he did this all the time and this is like you know early

2000s but if he did that joke now, people would be fucking mad at you. Furious. But that's what makes it more fun, too. They're getting so mad. Meanwhile, this dude was from Texas. He'd never been to India or Pakistan. Right. It's like, what?

I have no idea if they smelled bad. Guys, I'm just joking. It's like, it's very harmful. No, it's not. Did you ever see a picture of like a real racist somewhere? You know? Like a real racist? Yeah. i got real race yeah and you're like oh and then you remember what they just were mad about some other guy in like comedy being racist and you're like guys that's not even close like this guy made a

joke and that guy's here's how you know who's a racist when you accuse them of racism and they don't deny it they're like yeah fuck them that's the racist person not when they go like no no no no i didn't really mean that that's how you know they're not really feeling that way but if you make a joke about murder are you a murderer really secret yeah you are really i think so wow that's there's certain things right you're allowed to joke you could even you could basically you could joke definitely joke about fucking animals right Mm-hmm. Right? Nobody thinks you're really into bestiality. Well, what I think is all this stuff about like, you can't joke about race or gender,

but it makes child murder stuff like all the better. Like it's a grand time for that. That used to be too harsh. When I started comedy, it was right up to Columbine. And that was like, no, you're going to ruin the room. But now it's back. Really? Yeah. Child murder? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. School shooting shit. You that was like, no. You're going to ruin the room. But now it's back. Really? Yeah.

Child murder? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. School shooting shit. You can joke about school shootings. No problem. Yeah, yeah. If you do it well. If you do it well.

But even if you don't, it's still like a, Jesus, dude. I got mad at a lot of people over that Louis C.K. thing. I got mad at a lot of people. Yeah. Not because what he said was great. You know what Louis said? Just because you pushed some fat kid into the way? Irrelevant.

Irrelevant. Irrelevant whether it's good or bad he was let me tell you something if he was left alone with that bit he would turn that bit into a great bit he would have figured it out he had not done comedy for almost a year yeah this is one of his first sets back and he was trying to turn this into comedy and he could have turned that into comedy the people were like it's not even funny it's like okay but if it was just about not funny, because I think, I'm not going to say whether it was or wasn't. I thought it was funny, actually. But it's irrelevant because if I make an unfunny joke about traffic,

no one's coming after me. It's clearly not about whether it's funny or not. It's got nothing to do with it. Well, it's whether or not you should be able to make light of something terrible. And you can't let somebody not fail that direction. They have to be a fail in all directions. You try to find the line. Well, I understand regular people not understanding that.

I really do. But I don't understand comics not understanding it. I don't understand comics not understanding the process of creating material. You are disingenuous. No, I can't understand that if you are, if like say someone is like a Jim Gaffigan type comic that's never offensive and just like kind of, you know, family friendly, anybody can go see Gaffigan.

He's hilarious, but you could take your grandma to see her with no worry at all. If he did a joke about a school shooting, you'd be like, whoa, Jim. But even then, I would still say he's trying to find an angle.

Yeah, let him do it. What do you mean? Let him figure out the angle. If people don't laugh, that's an indication that he's on the wrong way. If you talk to Gaffigan after that, you'd be like,

how did they, did they go for it? He'd be like, not really. You're like, whoa, you're going to try it again? He goes,

maybe, but maybe he'll pull it back. Dude, I've had a bunch of bits like that where I was like, I got to bail on this bit. Yeah, where it's like you try it

and try it and try it, it just doesn't work, but that's the process. So now, if I had a bunch of bits like that where I was like, I gotta bail on this bit. Yeah, where it's like you try it and try it and try it. It just doesn't work. But that's the process. So now if I'm a young comic, if I say, can I even come close to the line? Because if I go over it, that's what you do

when you're kind of blindly walking towards a line. If you go over it, in that direction, you're fucked. You might really be fucked forever. So I'm not gonna come close to the line. That's not good.

It's not good.'s not good you want people finding it takes that and and puts it in quotes and just writes it out of a context takes it out of context and then writes it down yeah that's the context too the tone of voice oh sure yeah and all the things you said before that right yeah i hate it i hate it But it's a good time That guy's really funny Yeah It's still a good time To stand up Yeah

It's a great time For stand up I mean look The fucking store Sold out every night I know So people like It's the end of stand up

It's like what are you Talking about This place When they're not going To see any specific person They're just going to see Stand up in general Those are mobbed

The stand in New York Mobbed The cellar mobbed I get on at 1.30 at the cellar sometimes. 1.30 a.m. on a fucking Wednesday. And people are like, is anybody there? I'm like, yeah, it's sold.

There's no room. Dude, I was reading an article when they were talking about Hannah Gadsby and the death of stand-up comedy. I was reading it in my limo on the way to a sold-out arena. And I was laughing. I was like, this is hilarious. I was showing it to Hinchcliffe. I was like, dude i go i guess

there's not gonna be anybody there i have a special on netflix i guess it's all terrible huh i guess i guess there's no comedy anymore yeah i missed it fuck yeah it's all these people complaining all you gotta do is shut your fucking phone and then nothing of that shit exists for the most part here or there yeah there's some bad shit about somebody made a joke and an unfair level of punishment. But generally, it's just like, shut your phone. It's just people being angry. That's what the internet is anyway. It's a really easy way for people to complain.

Dude, I loved it. I was waiting for it. Did you see that video I made for So Bombed October? Yes. Okay. So I was waiting for it because I knew it would come. People this hilarious i'm playing my friends oh the points aren't the right this we had to do more points for this list points i was just waiting for it and then i finally saw it was like this is very irresponsible you should be ashamed of yourself people have real problems

there it is and now it's just a question of what percentage of people have that reaction and what percentage don't yeah so there's only one guy no one's gonna listen if it was 10 guys or if there's one guy that has a big twitter following now everybody's like feels like they should be mad you ever see one of those anger things where you don't quite get it you know like sometimes you're like i see the other side i think it's too far but i see the other side and then sometimes you're like i don't even understand why this is even a a topic you ever see those you know the e rges where it's like, really? Oh, yeah. Some of them you just don't even see.

Well, it's a light week. Maybe. Yeah. Duncan told me that half the anti-Star Wars tweets were Russian bots. I think maybe they're trying to shove shit under the radar. That's what I've heard. I like the idea. So they're covering up.

Yeah, so you just have people in the crowd fake bots go i think this guy was terrible like in a real like in a man there's a real like brawl between two people two groups and you could just go into one and be like he called you a faggot right and then everybody turns around and gets it going again right right these things don't seem real a lot of the comics you take the wrong side i'm like i don't think you really care if i showed somebody whatever that first one was for that for the for that guy for shane that funny comic if i showed it the back table itself like what do you think of this to one of those woke comics who said or people who were like i think it's too far if i showed them that video

if they they really didn't like it they would go to this they'll go they'll look at it and they'll go that's dumb and that'd be the end of it. Right. That would be it. But they have an opportunity to sort of put that flag up. And let everybody know that they're on the team that deserves virtue. You don't think the guy's taken enough abuse? At some point, you've got to see the damage this internet shit does to people. And it's like, you're going to pile on. It's covered.

He's been punished hard. I like recognizing who're going to pile on. It's covered. He's been punished hard. I like recognizing who's going to always fold. SNL will fold. Well, comics, too. SNL is an organization with a bunch of advertisers, and apparently that was the big deal. They had to cave to the advertisers. But my thing is this. Can't the networks just call each other?

Netflix and FX and CBS and Hulu and Amazon and all call each other. Just have a meeting, the people who run it, and say, we got to release a statement. And the statement should go, no matter what somebody said in the past,

we feel like starting from here on in, we don't even know what the rage is going to be about. We feel like we shouldn't be responsible to be judges and juries on that. We feel like we've gotten it wrong too many times. And if you guys't want to watch that's up to you but you got to take it up with the performer the artist whatever and if they all just release that statement together people just wouldn't go to them they're never going to do that though why then they can just be like it ain't us

you guys you've got to take it up to the comic advertisers will use it as an opportunity for them to virtue signal and get more people to buy their product. They'll say, we do not support this idea that hate speech is something to be casually dismissed. But they won't because they're saying it's not even about anything in particular. It's about we're not getting involved in this. What somebody did on the other side or what they're going to define it as. We've been through this with rap in the fucking 80s. It's just we're not getting involved. I get it.

For a month, we're not touching anything. It just takes all the pressure off you. You don't think if Amazon and Netflix fucking talked, I'm like, let's just all put it out together. And then what? Do you want to be the network that says, no, no, we're going to actually boycott our comics if they actually do say something on a separate platform?

Or do you want to be the network going, yep, we also agree. Comics, do whatever you want. You're not here. It's not like you're saying something to somebody in the hallway of SNL. You're saying something separately for the fucking 6,000 followers you have

who sign up for that shit. Right. They're never going to do it. Why? Because it's too much outrage. But then that takes the heat off you. Then you don't have to deal with it from now on. It's too dangerous right now, Ari.

It'd be perfect. It'd be perfect. That's why you don't run a business. They all they all should just do it they're never gonna do it what is that wristband you have on oh music festival yeah i gotta i gotta get tickets for next year and once i know once i do i'll cut it off really yeah you gotta get tickets for next year yeah once you do you'll cut it off does that help you get tickets yeah dude it's all about the mindset what is this knife i gotta do it cut that fucking thing off dude i gotta tell you about 50 years old what are you doing with this fucking thing i know i'm waiting it's good luck hey i went to this nightclub in germany in Berlin. It was fucking so fun, dude. I've been having fun going around places.

Yeah? Yeah. What was it? Okay. It's fucking nuts. They do shit on another level there. I'm not into EDM and stuff, but it was great. As soon as you walk in, it's like, okay, first of all, you can't even get in.

Oh, my God. Okay. The first thing you see when you get in is just a bunch of people in leather worn out. It goes from Friday night, midnight, until Monday at about noon. You can just stay in and do hella drugs and just dance for techno and house music on different floors. Do people die in there? They must. They must.

They must go too hard and have heart attacks yeah but everyone yeah they must yeah but when you're down there it's on the third level where there's no and just people just coming down i went in like a day and a half so it was like sunday when i went so people are just like out of it sweaty girls with like tutus and like whatever there's a coat check place where somebody said, somebody checked their gimp one time. Wow. You did a coat check place? Yeah.

Like, you're going to stay here for me. Okay. The very first thing I saw. I go in. It's overwhelming. Me and my promoter were there. We're like, this is fucking too much. And we're like, all right, let's get beers.

And I saw, this is so great, dude. The way to get in is just to wear all black or wear leather or just be with gay people gay people just get in and they make sure it's like a good time for everybody and uh they make you put a sticker over your phone no pictures they'll throw you the fuck out do whatever drugs you want anyway as soon as i see that there's a guy at the end of the bar just getting jerked off as he's ordering by a guy guy or a girl? By a guy. Jerked off by a guy? Yeah. Okay.

And he's fucking ordering the beer out of it on drugs and still trying to get some. Dude's other hand is just gone inside his asshole. Jesus. Yeah. A full, like, because it didn't make sense. The jerk doesn't. Yeah.

I think, I mean, I don't know. Something. It might have been open. Fingers? It might have been. I don't know what it was doing on the inside. It might have been open or closed. Like a puppet?

Yeah. And then it's just debauchery. You just get drugs in the bathroom and dance and dance and dance. Woo. Yeah. You see full blowjobs going on. Wow. It's like anything goes.

People are out with their dicks out just fucking jumping and dancing. If you gave everybody drugs, that's what they would do. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Good times? It was the best. You just walk around and you. If you gave everybody drugs, that's what they would do. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Good times? It was the best. You just walk around and you go to the bathroom.

Somebody eventually was looking for like anything. What were you trying to get? Ecstasy probably. Right. Molly, you know, something like that. Somebody eventually gave me one. I was like, I got enough from my promoter guy too.

And he was like, no, no, I'm going home. I'm only staying till like three. I got my kids like soccer game tomorrow. And I was like, all right, so I'll throw this out then. I'll just throw out the ecstasy. And he's like, all, no, I'm going home. I'm only staying until like three. I got my kids' soccer game tomorrow. And I was like, all right, so I'll throw this out then. We'll just throw out the extra scene. He's like, all right, fucking relax.

So he took some, and then we just started dancing, man. It was so fun. The music is nuts. They got like the best DJs in the world go down there and just show off. Oh, just like do sets. Yeah, it's kind of like the Comedy Store. Kind of like the Comedy Store, where it's like the best comics in the world doing it for, what, 15 bucks? Wow.

Nothing to do with the money they're trying to show off. Wow. Oh, God, it was so fucking fun. They just have this like nightclub culture. They'll even have like rockabilly bars there, and then people are dancing in the back. Do you remember when in the early days of the internet, you would get shit porn from Germany? Uh-huh. It was always from Germany. They go, whatever you're the internet you would get shit porn from Germany? Uh-huh.

It was always from Germany. They go, whatever you're into, just go for it. Why Germany? Do you think after World War II they just went crazy? No, I think not after World War II. I think after the Berlin Wall fell. I think it's all a reaction to that shit. Really?

Yeah, because they're not really, in Berlin at least, they're not really thinking about the Holocaust anymore. They're thinking about that East-West. That's their most recent massive historical, you know? was what was that the 80s yeah yeah that was during the reagan administration wasn't it mr gobert roth tied on that wall didn't i know i think i know somebody who had a piece of the wall i had one you could buy it at spencer's and stuff yeah i had one spencer gifts uh-huh yeah a piece you could also buy a poster of a guy with his like that oh his uh dick root showing just like a little bit you know yeah just like hanging out with my cowboy hat you know abercrombie and fitch you know that store amber crumpy and faunch yeah you know you go there they spray you with some

fucking toxic chemicals yeah you know that as soon as you go. It's like the whole place is filled with perfume. It's really strange. That used to be a place where you would go and buy like legit outdoor gear. Yeah. Like if you were going fly fishing. So if you and I were going to go down the fucking river in Montana. Ibercomi and Fitch was? Yes.

That's what it used to be. Wow. They used to sell like kayaks and shit. Yeah, it was like flannels by the time I was. And now it's. Now it's just like. DJ gear. But it's all these weird hermaphrodite looking people.

Like, everyone is, everyone is, like, asexual or weirdly thin. Just strange, you know, gender neutral. You know what I mean? Yeah. The girls, they all look like they're 14. It's the crying game. Nobody knows what the crying game is anymore. That was like

one of the first transgender things we'd ever experienced. Culturally. The crying game. That sign across the street from the store on the Hyatt. That one's another gender neutral Asian lady with a slightly less gender neutral Asian lady. Where is that gender-neutral Asian lady. Where is that?

It's on the store. The one with the parking lot faces. It's there right now? There's a sign there right now? What is it? It's just these two models. But they look like, what the fuck are you? What are you?

A boy or a girl? Yeah. That's in now. It's in if people can't tell if you're a boy or a girl. Yeah. It's nice. It's mysterious. It's mysterious.

But why is that in? Why are people into that? I don't know. They are. But they're into it for advertising, right? But are they into it, like, how many people? Like, what is the market for, like, people being gender neutral looking? Who's going to, like, hey, man, you going out tonight?

Yeah, I'm going to try to meet somebody. Who are you trying to meet? Someone who I can't tell. What the fuck? I just don't want to know. I going out tonight? Yeah, I'm going to try to meet somebody. Who are you trying to meet? Someone who I can't tell. What the fuck? I just don't want to know. I don't want to know. I'm doing anal and I don't want to know.

When I pull their pants down, I don't know what the fuck to expect. Well, are you looking for a boy or a girl? Who cares? Wow. But, but holes.

Just but holes. I don't care. I don't care if you're gay or straight or trans or what the fuck ever everlast just signed their first ever transgender boxer it's a trans female to male boxer and my first thought was this guy's gonna get lit up like he goes and fights actual men oh it was female to male yeah well they're all amateurs i guess maybe i don't know we saw at skank fest naked roast battle say this is it that's a female to male really yep look at the shoulders that looks like andy dick a lot of facial they said like a perfect track teams teams do mixed gender races and relay races.

Disaster. I tweeted about it. Yeah, it's a disaster. Disaster roids. Yeah, well, the men blew by the women like they were parked. That's how it works, kids. You want all this transgender shit? You know who, you know, transgender athletes, you know who suffers?

Women. That's who suffers. It's always women. When you're trying to like make everything diverse, let's diversify and include everyone. No, you're not including everyone. You're including men to compete as women. That's what you're trying to make everything diverse, let's diversify and include everyone. No, you're not including everyone. You're including men to compete as women. That's what you're doing. Because the women competing as men, like that Everlast boxer, dude, I haven't sparred in forever.

I'll knock that dude the fuck out. There's just no way. There's a difference. There's a giant difference. That guy's never going to beat Deontay Wilder. He's never going to beat a real boxer. Remember Andy Kaufman was full-on challenging women wrestlers?

And he was going as hard as he could. Amazing. He was going as hard as he could. There's a lot of women jiu-jitsu people that'll fuck you up, though. But that's a different animal. You're not punching things. I mean, there's a lot of female boxers that'll fuck. Like, Claressa Shields will fuck you up. You know, there's a few.

Ann Wolf, she'll fuck a lot of men up. But it's not normal. They're not going to fuck a normal man up who weighs the same weight as them. They're just not. It's just not fair. It's not fair. And women suffer with this transgender athlete thing. What do you think?

The people that are suffering are biological. Do you think they're going to figure it out or what? Well, the weightlifting committee has already figured it out. Powerlifting committee, they've already banned transgender women they've banned them all yeah they uh whatever the organization of powerlifters is but they they've put the fucking kibosh on it because all these trans women who are fucking men are breaking all these world records like how weird they're crushing these records. It's fun because we want to be like, okay, I want to understand your plight,

but at the same time, you guys have got to see it from our point of view. You are setting world records all the time. It doesn't make any sense. It's just this weird. You know what it is? It's where the rubber hits the road when it comes to this whole trans activism thing. Like, this is where it really hits. Like, when gender

dysphoria becomes a real issue when when is that when physical competition and physical altercations right if a trans woman beats the shit out of a regular woman in a bar is it a girl beating up a girl in a bar let's let's be honest it's not yeah it's a male it's a biological male beating up a female that's what it is. That is what it is. And there was a study recently released about trans athletes and their physical performance after one year of transitioning and how much the males have lost versus how much the females have gained.

Female to male gained very little. Male to female lost very little. Really? Yeah gained very little male to female lost very little really yeah very little it's like a very small decrease in their their overall strength after a year of transitioning like small like below 15 yeah it's outrageous these it's women it's biological women getting fucked over by people who want to be a woman that's what it is and everyone who wants to be oh we're diverse and we're inclusive and you know we're progressive and what if you what if you went from woman to man could you then fight against the women no if you went from woman to man you fight against men and you know what can't you in this new world could you fight back in the world because you're like if i'm born a woman

now i'm a man yeah can you where can where should i fight you have to fight men no yes but i'm saying in your world. In my world? Yeah, where they can't fight. Fight trans people. Fight trans people. That's their group. The simple solution is compete against other trans people.

And I'm just saying, too, how about we get the races separate as well? These black guys should fight blacks, and these whites should fight whites. We need a chance. We need someone to root for in every fight, and we don't get that. I would definitely watch a white fighting league. I told Dana White, I was like, if you really want to get people into the ultimate fighter, you got to do an ultimate fighter race and have four teams, Mexicans or any Latinos, blacks, whites, and the Asians, and then have them fight against each other, have four captains,

each of that. It'd be so much fun. All amateurs. Itains, each of that. It'd be so much fun. All amateurs. It'd be a real issue. It'd be so fun. People would get so angry. But they'd all sign up for it. Well, it's already weird when they do, like, Brazil versus the U.S.

Yeah. They've done those before. I know. We went to one. It was great. Right, but it was Brazil. Like, Brazilians are uniquely diverse. Oh, they did Ultimate Fighter like that?

Yeah, I believe so. I believe they did. Race, Dana. Ultimate Fighter race. I believe they did Ultimate Fighter like that? Yeah, I believe so. I believe they did. Race, Dana. Ultimate Fighter race. I believe they did Ultimate Fighter Brazil versus US. All Brazilian team,

all US team. But the thing about... I'm on Team Whites. I'm on the fucks. But you're Jewish. What are you? Jewish or white, you know that.

Jews or white. You're Jews. But Whites hate you. We could just be the guys who wear the suits right outside the white supremacists hate the jews that's one of the things they always get mad at they really goes crazy they always say that yeah wanderlust vanderley silver versus chel sunnan yeah that's

right no i want full race this is a good start for sure but but hold on hold on put that back up jamie make that so i could read the whole thing make it a little smaller make it so it's that yeah the coaches I think he might have coached team yeah I don't know about that that's just Vandele versus Chael I don't know if it's specifically Brazilians

versus Americans maybe I'm wrong you can do it all the fighters will sign up for it they know it's a joke I think it should be we're more at odds with each other than ever why not capitalize on that

I think it should be white racists versus angry black guys yeah that would be fun yeah you could have Cowboy Cerrone coaching one side

I don't know I would assume he's a cowboy no no no Cowboy he's got a lot of black lot you can have only like half and half people coaching each side okay like only yeah mixed race the only mixed race people yeah yeah no that okay let's we're tweaking it we're tweaking it as i hear some of these things out loud i realize that maybe that won't work you should be coached by your race well it's weird

when you go to other countries right because uh did you see what happened uh you can make it friendly too you can be like if this if the spaniards win one you can be like now you guys i'm going to show you something about our culture we're going to all go to this this restaurant and i'm going to show you what you know horchata tastes like and whatever i thought you're going to say go to the bullfights sure well that's yeah yeah if that's part of their culture that's a weird like bullfights are a largely offensive thing that's yeah yeah if that's part of their culture that's a weird like bullfights are a largely offensive thing that's still romantically received by a good portion of the world like if you think about what a bullfight is like a bullfight the matador that is that is not thought of as an offensive thing but it's hugely offensive what they're doing i want to go i went to barcelona

i looked but they don't really have it in barcelona they have in madrid oh you gotta go to madrid yeah that's what i've heard but they don't really have it in Barcelona They have it in Madrid Oh you gotta go to Madrid Yeah that's what I've heard But they don't really have it there But Because it's like inhumane But like I still wanna go I just watched a guy get gored Really Come on yeah

He got fucking killed He got killed by the bull Did I tell you I went to cockfights I've been to cockfights Yeah I had a A gardener That used to slip back and forth

Back from Mexico to the United States And what Eventually went back and moved there. Have you ever seen, this is the border. I was looking at this one day. What border? United States?

Yeah, right by Tijuana. And there's bullfights there? There's a ring right on the edge here. Like, that's the walls right here. That's in Tijuana? That's right. I mean, it's basically San Diego. Oh, wow.

That's crazy. It's no swim out and around. It might not be active, but it's right there. I bet it's active. Well, let's Google it. I tried looking around one day. They don't have Google?

Well, I mean, I couldn't find an event there. They have concerts and shit and things, so I don't know. Oh, so maybe they use it as not just a bull. But is it just a bull ring? They probably swapped me, too. It was a bull ring? It seems like it. I mean, take a peek at what it is.

You can see. It looks like it, for sure. It's not new. Yeah, it looks exactly like that that i want to go to one i want to find out when one is in spain and go to one it's probably really sad joe where do you want to go if you go anywhere anywhere what's like gnawing at you jamie you too you have like ever have countries just like pulling pulling at you i think africa africa yeah me too i would like to go on safari like a legit safari out there in a car yeah you know i wanted to go to the congo but every time i talk to justin rand he's got some new fucking disease he's got some

horrible parasite that's eating away at him right now that's not great he said malaria three times that guy's a saint you know he is a fight for the forgotten guy he's he. That guy's a saint. You know who he is? The Fight for the Forgotten guy? He's a Bellator heavyweight. He's over there making wells for the Pygmies. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we contribute this podcast and through the sponsor called the Cash App. Every time someone signs up, they use the promo code Joe Rogan, all one word. They get $10 towards Fight for the Forgotten.

Oh, that's cool. Yeah. That's great. It's raised a lot of money and built a lot of wells it's really cool so they're building he's going down there all the time to build wells and last time we came back with some fucking terrible parasite and the doctors are trying to figure it out it's like some jungle shit he's in the congo he's literally in the jungle you know he's catching these weird things i had this guy dr peter hotes on he's a specialist in tropical diseases he told me

literally everyone who lives in a tropical jungle environment has some parasites wow everyone you shouldn't be there you just you just live with parasites you're gonna have worms and there's this thing in laos where you sleep up in trees like they're called like the given experience or something i didn't do it but i talked to people who did and then you just hike all the way through the jungle and sleep way way up in these tree tree houses monkeys all around you and shit and like uh every day you have to take off your shoes and burn off the leeches because they're non-dangerous leeches but they're all on you you gotta burn them off yeah you have to set like a mattress cigar and like fucking touch it and it's like whoa fall off yeah jesus christ but parasites yeah so gross they

get like someone died recently some guy was swimming in some lake i think in florida and he got some or maybe texas got some brain eating parasite that went into his fucking noggin and just wound up eating his head like it happens man dude i want you to do an episode of skeptic tank of my podcast where we just talk about things that'll kill you. You've been talking about that shit for 20 years. Different things that'll kill you. We talked about doing it. Last time we talked about doing another episode. It would be about that.

Yeah, let's do that. I'll be back in November. We'll do that. So I just got back from elk hunting. Oh yeah, how was it? It was awesome. My friend John was 20 yards away from a mountain lion. They were both stalking the same elk. And you know, he's moving so slow. He's such a great hunter that the mountain lion. They were both stalking the same elk. And he's moving so slow. He's such a great hunter that the mountain lion didn't know he was there.

So he's creeping up on this elk and he looks over and 20 yards is 60 feet. Can you shoot the mountain lion? No, you have to have a tag, which means you have to have, it's a limited draw hunt. If you want to hunt for mountain lions, it takes like 13 years to get a tag. It's very difficult in the state of Utah. So he's creeping up on this bull, and he realizes, like, oh, my God, there's a fucking cat right there. Big-ass mountain lion. It was like 20 yards away from him. So he jumped up near and screamed.

The mountain lion fucking took off. Where'd the elk go? Also took off. Also took off. Fuck. Everybody scattered. Yeah. He was trying to figure

out what to do yeah what should well you have to be careful because if you get too close it might decide if it's these animals if you're inside the area where they don't think they can get away they'll turn to fight and that's when you're fucked most of the time they're just gonna just run away to fight another day like they especially mountain lions they operate on stealth their whole idea is sneaking up on people yeah things dude i was i was in um so what i do is sometimes i go from car from city to city sometimes i'll do an add-on show you know on a wednesday or sunday sure and i'll get a car and i'll drive i like driving around the country but so i was doing in tampa driving across oh maybe i visit my parents first but anytime i see a swath of green i'll just pull over and like hike

you know and this yeah sure a big thing in the well anywhere but in between uh miami and tampa is just a big swath of green so i started hiking but they have this big fence around everything and i opened it up and started hiking and they talk about like uh sabers or whatever panthers panthers yeah they go like those panther attacks are rare we strongly advise you not to be out alone um panther attacks do happen and i was just like uh i don't need to hike that bad today it's a mountain lion yeah yeah it's like a slightly different gene pool but i don't know when they're sneaking up on you i don't know any of the tricks i don't know part of that yeah well you'd be you'd definitely be fucked yeah but there's other things

that can kill you in florida florida's filled with stuff that can kill you snakes and shit oh yeah i like the fucking traveling though i like getting out of my car just randomly and i'm like nobody's out in a weekday right nobody's out what's up yeah what if you found a methyl out back in the woods what is this this is four old. No human has been attacked by a Florida panther in state history, wildlife officials say. Oh, then I definitely should have done it. Is that true? Polite effect is where this is from. That seems interesting.

Yeah. That guy might have just been saying it because he loves panthers. Maybe. Leave him alone. Leave him alone. Get out there, pussy. Yeah. People get attacked by mountain lions, though, and it's basically the same animal.

But I think the Florida panther is a really small population. I think there's a very small population of them. I get so scared when I'm walking alone in the woods and I'm shaking my keys. A squirrel makes my heartbeat so fast whenever I hear anything. Once you carry a gun, then you feel empowered. Yes. Walk through the woods with a fucking assault rifle. Laser sight. You start cracking off rounds.

It just shoots me out. It comes near you. Tack, tack, tack, tack, tack. Oh, yeah. An attack. Oh, fuck out of here. I got that squirrel. This is America.

And I'm a fucking man. It's coming at me. I'm a human being with a gun. Yeah, the woods will make you realize what a bitch you are, man. He's coming at me. I'm a human being with a gun! Yeah, the woods will make you realize what a bitch you are, man. Yeah, I'm frightened of everything. And no one's going to hear your screams. And then you start thinking, how am I going to get out of here if a snake does bite me? Like a rattlesnake?

How far do I have to hike by myself out? Yeah, some endurance athlete, some famous endurance athlete, just got bit by a rattlesnake. He was in the middle of some long trek. Oh, shit. Not that singer. Mike Posner. Mike Posner. He got bit by a rattlesnake he's in the middle of some like long trek oh shit that's that singer mike posner mike posner he got bit too oh i don't know the other guy too yeah mike posner he got bit back on his what was he doing he's walking across the country and like walking across the country across colorado that was the story but i feel like someone else got bit too someone and then they had to get somewhere i feel like i got to get

like medevac'd out and hospitals for a couple weeks or something no that's richie builds that's a guy who uh he sure looks like it does it's a very interesting guy he uh has a youtube channel and he bought a tesla that was junked and then bought another tesla and with the parts that it needed, like two junked Teslas, and pieced it together and made his own Tesla. Oh, that's cool. Like for a significant discount. That's cool. Yeah, it's really cool.

But the Tesla people don't like him because they don't like the fact that he's doing that. And so he can't get his shit fixed at a regular Tesla dealership. Because they blackballed him? Basically, yeah. So he opened up a place called the Electrified Garage. So he's got his own tesla unauthorized repair center i love that gorilla shit well he's a great he's great uh too because he's just a a real techie nerdy sort of very uh very informed guys for in in a car guy too

so he just like well this doesn't make any fucking sense like how how can i do this and so like okay he bought one that had been uh over run with water so all the electric system was all fucked up but the body was good and he got another one that was in a car accident but the electrical system was good so he took that and put it in there and pieced it all together and now he has a working tesla so fucking handy yeah very clever fella he also was one of the first guys i ever met that had one of those it's called a rat rod is this new shit he made that yeah okay so he got a fully electrified old school hot rod ford model a wow uh-huh he's a smart dude motorcycle engine in it smart dude i love those guys that are like find their passion yeah he just really likes doing that

yeah i figured out a way to make money at it yeah but he's also just an interesting guy the thing about his youtube videos it's like his perspective on things is just interesting he's like okay how do i fix this fucking thing yeah you know let's figure it out but the way to figure it out was he had to buy another one that was junk but then he had to get a key because like tesla won't give you a key for one of their cars like if you have a broken ford right you go uh hey i fixed this mustang but i need a key for it can you guys you know make me a key for dealership or make you a key right they go yeah yeah we'll replace the cylinder yeah because why who cares what you do with it yeah we want what we want ford is different right if you have a mustang and you have like a 1965 Mustang that you rebuilt yourself, they'd

be like, oh, great. That's cool. That's cool. Yeah. Tesla's like, what are you doing? This is unauthorized. Get away. Yeah.

This is going to explode. You don't know how to work with batteries. Fucking bullshit. What are you doing? That's like my rabbi friend. Just give it to me. Just give me the information. I'll do what I want with it.

Just give me the key, you fuck. Yeah, so he had to have it hacked so that he could get the updates too because Tesla updates their software. They won't do updates for you? They're blocking them? So he had to get a hacker to hack into his system so that he could get the updates. Tesla should impeach this guy. They should get rid of him.

Yeah, they want everybody following their rules. Or he should fear a Jew in Chicago this November. Chicago and San Jose. What are you doing you doing comedy i'm doing stand-up comedy i'm doing a great new hour of stand-up comedy and uh you're filming soon filming soon filming soon trying to figure it out to figure out where don't you've had this special pretty locked down pretty locked down i did have a orthodox friend come orthodox friend come to see it to be like point out like uh things that were wrong factually

and he got like one and a half i'm so my god so i gotta change that that was like the last Orthodox friend come to see it to point out things that were wrong factually. And he got like one and a half. So I'm like, all right, so I got to change that. That was like the last effort to make sure everything was super accurate. No, just somewhere something was headed. A lot of these shit, I was like, dude, I had like a three-minute chunk that was murdering about Noah's 40 children. Yeah. And then I went back to my yeshiva in Jerusalem. To my seminary.

And I was learning that stuff. And it was like. He had. Uh uh. He had like. Did not have 40 children. It was like two sons and a daughter. Fuck.

So I had to like scrap. I was like. Honestly. Four and a half minute. Murder chunk about Noah's wife's pussy. Shit. Yeah. But whatever.

That's all part of it. But hold that for something else. Yeah. Right. Right. I'm going to actually look up. it. But hold that for something else. Yeah, right, right. I'm going to actually look up, are there any other Jewish historical figures that have had 40 children? Or it doesn't even have to be Jewish historical figures. Anybody that had 40 kids.

Maybe a little sidetrack to someone else. Some other asshole that had 40 kids. Maybe Little Miss Muffet's out of the, what's the shoe? The shoe lady? She said, Kurds and Way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right? What's that shoe? The Brothers Grimm shoe one.

Long cable spider sat down beside her and said, oh, what's that shoe the brothers grim shoe one long cable spider sat down beside her and said oh that's not it what's in the bowl bitch dude i was doing a dice album recently it's so over the top it's crazy how fucking bravado it is oh yeah oh my god he's like hey look at you sweetheart it's just like oh like, oh my God. On an album, when albums mattered, like a record. Well, you've heard When the Laughter Died, right? Yeah. That's the greatest album anybody's ever put out. A lot of people say that.

Because it's terrible. It's just like, this is what stand-up really is. Well, he put, no, no, no, no. He had no material. He decided to make an album with zero material, just show up, just pop in at Dangerfields in New York City. Record it with Rick Rubin. Yeah.

And have no fucking idea what he was going to talk about. He had no material either? No. Wow. And this was when he was selling out on Reels. What a great follow up to one of the biggest albums of all time. Dude, Dice is a unique cat. He doesn't get enough credit for being as unique as he is.

He's a unique guy. Just that alone. People talk about ego and this and that. Do you know how healthy your ego has to be to release a two-CD fucking release? Two CDs. It was two. You couldn't fit it all in one.

Yeah. Day the Laughter Dived was a two-CD thing of eating shit. People were walking. I remember this guy yelled at him, You're about as funny as a glass of milk. He was so bad it was funny it's a glass of milk that's a great thing i said we get re-evaluate every single time yeah oh my gosh oh my gosh but he didn't give a fuck he didn't care at all he didn't give a fuck he used to do this thing at the store just to entertain the door guys who

were friendly with him he would do this thing where he could see how long he'd go without saying anything of note so like and we'd be in the back dying goes so i get up first he would like walk over to the mic and like tap it with the cigarettes and then like put it down test test like not saying anything real right right eventually he would start like all right turn it up and then eventually he would go so i was at the thing you know with the guy comes over and he fucking talks you know how it is and then eventually he would go so is that the thing you know with the guy comes over and he fucking talks you know how it is and then it's like you gotta decide you know he's just saying nothing real and we're dying in the back as he's just milking a fucking non and then you know the weather's out so of course there's that and then you gotta you gotta think

about everything you know what i'm saying right sir, sir? And then finally goes into a bit. Yeah, he would just try to piss them off sometimes. It was great. I would have loved to have talked to him when he was releasing that CD, The Day the Laughter Died. Like, what does he think? What's on your mind here? Yeah. Why did you decide to do this?

Yeah. Because it was clear he wasn't trying to kill. No, he was trying to experiment. He didn't give a fuck. I think he was really trying to show what a pop he was trying to experiment. He didn't give a fuck. I think he was really trying to show what a pop-in set is really like. I don't think so. Really? I don't think so.

No, because a lot of times pop-in sets, you're trying to get laughs. He was trying to get laughs, though. Sort of. He just wasn't using his best ammunition. He wasn't using any. It's like playing Duke Nukem, but only using knife. No, no, no. It's like playing Duke Nukem and punching people.

Yeah, right, right yeah right right right right yeah yeah but still trying to punch them to death left and right still trying but not knowing how to punch i gotta listen to the album again did he had no material it's he was just fucking around like it seemed like everything he was saying he's inventing on the spot i need to ask him if that's the case i'm pretty sure it is because it seemed like it was all invented on the spot i got a record player finally and i started started getting some comedy albums randomly. I'd walk around, and I'd just look. Sometimes they're a dollar.

Bill Cosby's are fire sale. Oh, yeah. Nobody wants to buy them, and they're amazing. Yeah. You can see estate sales of Cosby's stuff where people just got rid of them. Dollar, dollar, dollar, dollar. Would you have him on your podcast? Bill Cosby?

Yeah. Yeah, for sure. If he gets out of the pokey? I'd want to know what it was like in prison and i want to talk to him about like an outstanding news story oh yeah that story yeah i mean for sure i want to hear from people like that do you think you know my biggest talk about it i don't know you'd have to ask him ahead of time you don't want to trap him or anything but like my biggest regret the one get i wanted to get for skeptic tank from my podcast is fred phelps

and he died before i get i really want to just ask him the guy who ran the westboro My biggest regret, the one get I wanted to get for Skeptic Tank from my podcast is Fred Phelps. And he died before I could. I really want to just ask him, the guy who ran the Westboro Baptist Church. I wanted to ask him in a legit way, like, what are you looking for? Do you think these methods will get there? Not make fun of them, not argue with them. Just like, what are you into? Well, did you ever see Louis Theroux's documentary on him?

No. It's amazing. Really? Really good. Yeah. Rue's documentary on him? No. It's amazing. Really?

Really good, yeah. I was actually just talking to Louis about some new thing that he's got coming out now, and it made me sort of revisit it. Megan Phelps, who was his granddaughter. She's a little crazier. No, no, no. She was on the podcast. She's not crazy at all. She's the one that got out.

Not the other daughter that runs it. No, no, no, no. Megan is remarkably kind and nice. She got out knowing, because of the internet, like knowing people online and meeting them, and they sort of pointed out the hypocrisy and all the contradictions and all the different things. And then she realized, like, oh my God, I'm in a cult. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm in a Christian-based cult. Yeah. A lot of people also don't understand what your upbringing gives you. I need you to cut that thing off for the rest, please. It's driving me crazy. That's half of why I do it. 50-year-old man with a fucking... Dude, I took July off of my internet and everything.

I just took it off. And then I got so bored that I shaved bald into my head. I saw that. Yeah. I was just so bored. It's a good look. Thanks. But I did it for the same reason I leave this on.

My girlfriend hates it. So I was trying to shave my head with the back of a beard, of a trimmer. So the back is just for the sideburns. But I was trying to shave all my head. And after like 40 minutes, I was back to like there. And I was like, fuck this. I'll go buy a real beard trimmer the next day. And I saw my girlfriend.

She was like, hey, what? No. Come on. No. And I was like, what no come on no and i was like no i'm gonna oh no i'm not keeping it now i kept it for a month and a half i only chafed it because somebody died in the comedy scene and i didn't want to be at his funeral like that but it was great dude i bronzed it it was so much fun i got it once i got a tan you couldn't really tell you tanned the stripes yeah oh interesting yeah so it was just full like just a bald cut oh nice bronze it was a lot of fun how come bronzing is okay but blackface

isn't you're acting like a tanner person yeah what you're acting like you're brazilian yeah you're right yeah it shouldn't be allowed you're acting like you're from ecuador or something like you're a jungle person i have a new theory about cultural appropriation. Want to hear it? Yes. Okay, so you know how you have to respect every person's culture. Right. You have to.

You have to. Okay, and if a part of their culture is wrong, like I say about the Chinese pushing on Subway a bit, like two specials ago, about Chinese people, if they try to get on an elevator before you get off, that's always a Chinese person. That's almost always a Chinese person. Not Asian. Chinese. But that part of their culture, you don't have to respect, right? No.

You have to respect everything. So fine. White culture is appropriating other cultures. That's what we do best. That's what Elvis did. That's what we crush it at. Mexican food. Hot dogs. It's all appropriating other people's cultures. That's what we do. So you

have to respect that in our culture which is taking on your culture I like it yes I like it because this whole country

is a melting pot it's a melting pot that's part of this country it's a fondue place that's right you got to allow us to fondue your culture you can still use

your culture right but we also can use it why can't you respect America's culture exactly our culture stealing let's be respect exactly now you get it and that's why i'm running for president in 2024 you can't handle me yet is ben glebe going to be your vice president my vice president

he'll be my minister of affairs nice do you think trump is getting impeached is he getting impeached jamie you paying attention to this? I don't know. Do you ever see one where you're just like, I don't even know what you guys are talking about anymore. I don't trust the media worth shit. Anytime they say something, I'm like, I don't know, maybe, boy, you cried wolf. Every single thing, you're like, guys, you've just riled me up for nothing over and over again. I don't know what any of the truth is.

All these people are like, what about this person said this? I'm like, I never even heard of that guy. What about the Steele dossier? Yeah, what the fuck is that? What about Ukraine? I don't know. What about Joe Biden? What about when he did it?

What about this tweet? Yeah, there's some fucking shitty tweets. We already got that. It's already on the books. No one's fighting that anymore. We need to stop it. Stop everything. Cancel everyone.

Oh, shut up, all of you. Just shut up. You seem seem quite mad i get so angry about it it's such a fucking annoying place now the internet make sure you get the right cigar out of that ashtray because a lot of those are mike tyson weed oh really there's fat boys right there that's mike tyson weed joint damn yeah i smoked one of those a long time ago dude i had two hits yesterday doing the simpson podcast i didn't know what I was talking about half the time. Sturgill's cool. Oh, he's great.

Got to see him at the Troubadour. That's a good place. That was my line of what is a good rock club, a big-sized rock club in L.A. Yeah. Apparently, it seats like 500 people, but it doesn't really because you're all standing. Yeah, you got to be up on the top level, too. You can be there. Yeah.

I love that place. I saw this band called Fuck Once. They they were great and this was their farewell show they gave up they were done yeah but i'm like that sucks so bad they were really good really yeah i bought an album i bought a cd i couldn't get anywhere you know how it is like just like stand up when you have a name called fuck yeah i mean you went for it there were mellow music too really yeah oh fuck music were they music to fuck oh maybe maybe i doubt it's even on there it could be but they're done do you like to fuck to music that seems annoying yeah i don't if it's still on it's like i fucked in music but not

like you know the idea like quagmirey idea of like putting something on to fuck too yeah like i want i want utter silence really I want to be able to hear the sheets move I like jackhammers like to set a pace and that gives you a pace to go on kind of like a treble

with one of those things for a piano what are those things called metronome metronome yeah that's your metronome yeah jackhammers explosions machine guns going off people screaming that's your metronome it's like yeah jackhammers explosions machine guns

going off people screaming that's what I like no I mean if you're gonna listen to music while you're fucking I used to

when I was young I think though I think that was like a thing you'd put on candles play some music and get your what'd you lose your virginity to what

yeah what song or what music I don't think it was song i think mine was mazzy star mazzy star what happened to her i don't know there's certain people like they were great tracy chapman whatever happened to tracy chapman i know she got in a car that was going too fast and boom my professional stand-up comedian. Was it fast enough for them to fly away? They had to make a decision. Live tonight or live and die this way. They were riding.

Riding in their car. Speed so fast it felt I was drunk. Dude, you got to go to Egypt. Yeah. You would really like it. I do want to do that. You would like it. How dangerous is it over there?

Not very at all, but there's a sense of danger for sure, especially in those touristy parts. The problem is, like, we talked about one of those touristy cities in Italy where it's like it's too much. You know what I mean? Once tourism has taken over town too much, it's like no longer the feel. Venice, okay. Yeah. And you, like, want to be there, but really what you want to be is there 25 years ago. Well, Venice, apparently they changed the laws and allowed these gigantic cruise ships

to pull into Venice. But while we were there, a cruise ship hit a dock, and apparently there'd been two accidents in the last month, and they're trying to reevaluate. But they're addicted to the money of all these tourists. Dude, you ain't seen nothing like it, man. When we were there, it's kind of calm. And then all of a sudden, a cruise ship pulls up. And then 20 minutes later, it's like, wah!

Just a vomit of people. Just ruining the place. Ruining any vibe of the place. We were on one of those gondolas. And there was a fucking traffic jam of gondolas behind us. I'm like, this is not what anybody signed up for. Is that hitting yeah oh my god is this in venice and they're all like starting to walk slowly and now they're walking a lot faster oh my god that guy's kind of in the middle get out of there guy get out of there no oh stay on the boat so what happens here they just

can't back up quick enough and all these old people on a fucking ship are trying to like do their slamming into the fucking dock they They're going to crush that boat. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's just nailing that other boat. Oh, my gosh. Is this just a moron who doesn't know how to drive? Or is there some sort of tactical breaking error? Too much vermouth. You got a little bit crazy with the Chianti.

Yeah. Hey! And move out of the way. Already I want a glass of red wine. Right? Why didn't you just say that? No, you can't. You want it. That would be really great right now. want a glass of red wine right why do you just say that you just know you can't you want it that would be really great right now yes glass of red wine nice glass of red wine

we got a really big picture no i'd like no i was on the border the austrian italy border we hiked on the border for like six or eight days i've gone to italy the last four summers in a row yeah it's fucking great oh so what i was going to tell you is the other places you kind of go which is like away you know which is has more italian feel is like the problem with egypt is all those places the stuff you want to see is in the touristy spots right because people are going to the pyramids like if you go to the coliseum it's just surrounded by people but if you go early enough to the pyramids you're pretty good a couple hawkers will bother you, but really you're good. Yeah.

I read this blog. It told me how to do it right. Like being there first thing and you just have your run of the place. I think I'm going to get self-tanner so I fit in. Smart. Smart and appropriate. Yeah. You can wear a turban.

How come you can do that? How come you can go full tan? You can get to set. But at a certain point in time, you get to a point where you're doing blackface. Yeah, you're doing blackface. And we talked about that when it's too much brendan shaw had a bit we're talking about that with the line what's the color wheel bodybuilders bodybuilders they do self-tanner but then they leave their face out now they leave the face out of the self-tanner yeah that looks strange it looks like a photoshop fucking crazy so their face is white and their

body is black that's a a Photoshop. Oh my God. They can't have black face, but they can't have black body. But you used to have, they have chocolate body. They have chocolate body, but they, they,

they can't have chocolate face. I always thought that black face was the thing when you're doing like soft shoe and like you have it like around like Sarah Silverman did. Yeah. But like you're making fun of the black face. Yes. But like, but like black face wasn't when you were little and somebody would go full costume of something. If they were going as the Hulk, they would go green everywhere.

Right, you can do that. And some people would just go green nodes. They're like, why didn't you commit? Right. And then if you're doing a Mr. T, you go full on T. Yeah, you go. And people are like, wow, you went for it. But back then, that wasn't offensive to them.

It wasn't. That was not blackface. That was just black makeup. Right. What happened? I think once dummies find the line, they don't really know how to put it into play. It's not like a Dr. Cornel West who's saying something interesting. It's just some idiot on Twitter.

And they go, well, I think that's the thing that they said. Yeah. And then everyone gets mad at you. They were going after white girls wearing hoop earrings. Yeah. They were saying that white girls were wearing hoop earrings. Hoop earrings are black and Latina, which is hilarious because no they're not they're actually invented in sumer the oldest known hoop earrings were in mesopotamia you fucks they had they i saw

this article in the bond me they made it in somebody's uh dining hall of a college and this guy got really mad because he's vietnamese and it's like that's not how you even make it you do it in a baguette with this and somebody's like yeah a baguette you think that's Vietnamese the baguette you got it from fucking France

70 years ago you idiot when they were there yeah I mean Italians stole spaghetti yeah it's like whatever I enjoy your shit

I'm gonna use it yeah that's what I'm saying bro it's fucking good food good music yeah that's one of the good things about America, right?

We steal. Somebody on the Daily Show was making fun of me. I had this thing at Edinburgh. I was in Edinburgh. And I saw it at a charity shop, Thrift Store. This beautiful Asian-designed, Chinese-designed velvet shirt, button-down shirt with this beautiful inlay and stuff. And I was wearing it, and she was like, wow, that might be kind of cultural appropriation. I'm like, why? It's just pretty. And I thought it was pretty and good-looking. And she was like wow that might be you know kind of cultural appropriation i'm like why it's just pretty and i thought it was pretty and good looking

and she goes it's about intent i'm like yeah so my intent was i think it's good looking so why are you still talking about it's like well maybe and then right as we're talking four or five like chinese people walked by like chinese tourists and they like stopped like oh hey and they pointed like yeah yeah we like it and it was like yeah see they're fine yeah stupid shut up everybody shut up well you know they asked japanese people about what was her name who was it that dressed up like a geisha was it katie perry she got in trouble for dressing up like a geisha and people were mad the chinese people were very or the japanese people were very happy because people show they show the respect for our culture and they enjoy our culture if people dress

up like jews like hasidic jews i really put myself in the place i'm like i i think that would be hilarious and fun for me sure i don't think and i don't think hasidic jews would give a fuck one way the other right they might accidentally talk to you now well what if you're doing an activity that requires you to dress in a traditional garb? Like in Thailand when you have those fucking elephant pants on? Every tourist backpacker dude has. Yeah. Yeah.

Those are so you can ride elephants. Yeah. Myanmar, they make you put on this makeup stuff to stop you from getting burned. Oh, like it's a sunscreen makeup? Yeah. Yeah. You're allowed to do that? But I mean, it helps you.

You need it. You're out in the fucking bush. What about cultural appropriation isn't that more they don't care they think it's they think it's funny no i guess it's not more cancer they don't really they're not really concerned with that all these things by the way these these like funny words like that cultural appropriation and and you know dead naming and all those are like san francisco's exports to the world you know is it all from san francisco yeah they invent all those things and export it but those are all things that like only exist and get people angry in a in an opulent society when you can afford to be angry about tiny things like that it's a sign of like we're all doing great meanwhile that city is the most overrun city

in the country when it comes to drug abuse and when it comes to homeless folks yeah no like in the streets yeah but you're doing you're shooting up in front of people's houses that's abuse dude i see those people in new york that bent over tweakers bent over look like a fucking human question mark and i know they look awful but i know they're having a blast you think so oh for sure it just looks wrong they but I know they're having a blast. You think so? Oh, for sure. It just looks wrong. They're fucking loving. They're in another place, dude.

What if while they're in that other place, they just shit their pants? When they come back. Tumbling on their ankles. Yeah, when they come back, it's going to be bad. That's a problem. But they're having a great time. They're not in pain. Where do you think all this social justice outrage goes?

Do you think it dies off? Like people realize how ridiculous it is and it becomes like bell-bottom jeans? Dude, I think it's all caused by the internet, by these echo chambers you live in. Yeah. And these algorithms that want you being angry. Yes. I think it's making everybody angry about – it's the same fervor as the blue dress, gold dress. It's on one of these things now.

And it's the same fervor as like this was too dirty before. It's well this is too race related this is too misogynist whatever it's just like people turn on each other on a level of like why you guys would sit next to each other at a ball game and have a good time everybody's pretty fucking nice to each other most people most people get that fucking n-word out of my way i mean you just never see those people anymore right so it's like are we just looking for someone to attack so in the bible in the torah there's this medrash this is like a fable of so god to choose to choose what they taught us in yeshiva to choose the jews it's unfair to have us as the chosen people right it's unfair to the other cultures so there's this fable that says god tried every other culture, let them live their entire

existence, and then they died out, they killed each other off, never got to the Messiah age, and then died out. So one time he picked the Christians, one time he picked the Chinese, one time he picked the fucking Norwegians, one time he picked the Germans as his, like, this is my race, right? And every time, it didn't work out. And one time, in one of these things, and that's why he said maybe that's what the dinosaurs are. He gave them the world for a while, and then it didn't work out and one time in one of these things and that's why they said maybe that's what the dinosaurs are he gave them the world for a while and then it didn't work yeah but yeah it's like you guys are kind of reaching you can just say whatever but they're

trying to explain it away because they got no explanation for dinosaurs but anyway what they said it used to be where crops just grew and animals were just abundant and no one had to toil. And so the mankind would toil and then it didn't have to. Everything just grew, right? So they would think that maybe this would be easier and it would be nicer. There's this guy who has this theory on like since computers are going to come up, we're not going to need like 40 hours of work week anymore, probably 20. And his theory, I forget his name, is that with those other 20 hours, we'll read more and we'll do crazy things. But I don't think it is because in this fable of Judaism, when man didn't have to toil, they just went to war. They just started murdering each other because you need conflict. So in great times that we're in right now where everybody's doing well,

an iPhone costs a lot of money and almost nobody doesn't have one. We're doing great. We're in an opulent society. Racism is down to super low levels, but you need someone to attack. So even when you're in a bubble of LA and New York and almost everybody is 95% on your side, you're like, I need to attack somebody because everything's too easy. So it's a sign of how great we are. I think that's accurate. I think that's definitely what's going on.

are i think that's accurate i think that's definitely what's going on and that they don't there's not real problems like real war or real real like hard hard crime and violence in the streets and so we're looking for things to be upset at i also think there's a lot of people that have access to their phone while they're at work and i think they're bored as fuck and i think there's a lot of wasted time if you're an employer and you're paying someone to do stuff by the hour, I guarantee you most of their time is spent listening to podcasts, watching YouTube videos, and talking shit on Twitter. Getting what's making you angry. Getting angry, yeah. It's all those things used to be so good. Dude, that July, I was off computer completely.

Didn't do anything. Had a house phone, no texting, no nothing. Didn't look at a computer. How'd you feel? It felt, I mean, obviously it was like harder. I had to write down all my flights and stuff ahead of time. So you can take care of it, you know? Right.

I felt really free. Bored as shit. You know, I would do that shaving my head because I was just bored a weekend. But like really free of it all and just kind of like smiley and happy. I just wasn't seeing the negativity it wasn't like right coming in but now i'm using it and i feel like coming back why don't you just avoid reading comments i mean it is possible it's tough in the in the bored moments of life right where i'm sitting on the toilet or whatever like the ideally bored moments read

things can you just read stuff with one right that's right there and I have five minutes to fill. You just start checking out social media? Yeah, something like that or looking at my friends' posts. See, I don't. I look at Google News feeds. I just start reading articles. Those too. That's most of what I do with my phone.

Read articles. Read articles and watch videos. And the videos that I'm watching, they're almost always videos on science or space. Well, there's that too where I'm looking at ESPN.com or something like that. But it just feels like wasted time. Sometimes it's wasted time. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it's not.

Well, you're taking a shit. But I've also decided to take shits without my phone sometimes and then I sit there and I'm thinking. And you think. So the sauna,

you go to the sauna or the steam room and it's just like boom, boom, boom. And then you realize why am I not entering into that more where my brain is going boom, boom, boom.

That's why the tank is amazing. You need to use the tank. You use the sensory depri deprivation tank you can't bring anything in there you're fucking floating in water so nothing in there you're telling me i could yeah exactly and you're just thinking and it just explodes so that's what i was getting a lot more of yeah and i started getting bored i started looking at my act a lot more and and writing everything out like how many personal bits do i have in here how many like historical bits and how many everything and really looking at it because you're bored. You just pour yourself into it.

Right. Instead of this wasted hours of negative fucking. Yeah, well, I see people doing that. And I'll go to people's feed and see them constantly arguing with people. I don't engage in that anymore. Yeah. I don't engage in any of it. Zero.

I do zero arguing with people on Twitter. Zero arguing with people on Instagram. I post things and I get the fuck out of there. What is this program that lets you shut off after an hour? I love that. It's like a thing that you use for your kids, but you could use it for yourself, too.

It's screen time. And someone else will put it on. It's built into your phone. And so you can't snooze it out. You're like, done. No, it's done. That's great. Yeah.

That's great, because even when you're not using it by the hour, you're like, I don't want to, I might need it later. But you can still get text messages, and you can still make phone calls. That's all you need. That's all you need. That's what you need.

And you have access to your camera if you need to take a picture or something. And quick things for social media if you got to put stuff up and then like get right out. Yes. Yeah.

But just don't read it. It's so hard though. It's so weird. I know. It's this pull. It's such a weird pull, right? Yeah. And then you want to read these,

like even these anti-comedy or pro-comedy stuff. It's like, it gets me riled up. I want to get in there and read it and you realize it's almost nobody in real life talking about it so you're getting riled up over nothing but it is funny to read like vox articles like woke yeah it's funny how ridiculously wrong they get stand up oh and you're like that's not even the way it works yeah yeah i was i was uh listening to this video where they were uh criticizing a right-wing comedian they were talking about it uh him saying uh yeah fucking gay gay is funny right black people black

people that's fucking funny seeing black people no one says that no one sees caricatures of of of conservative people and of other people that have different perspectives all you're doing is making people not like you and pushing people in the other way you're not and you're not really making your point you're just saying how ridiculous something is it's that old joke they never liked when it's like all you do is say something in like a lame way and that's your proof of it being lame yeah you know it's like man it's like no that's not you didn't prove it you just did a different voice on that you're just weak you just have a weird Tired way of expressing yourself Yeah

It's fake So we're gonna do Another podcast Any minute now I think they're here We're gonna shut this one down We're gonna shut this down Ari Shafir

Guys I'm gonna be in Can I say some dates Yeah I'm gonna be in Chicago In November And San Jose I'm gonna be in Nashville In October

And all through Texas this week San Antonio Whatever Doing Ari Shafir Jew And just tweet Ari He'll get back to you. He reads all the comments. AriTheGreat.com.

AriTheGreat.com, my podcast is Skeptic Tank. I have a double special on Netflix. Say that so people can understand. That's a great idea. Your podcast is The Skeptic Tank. Ari Shaffir's Skeptic Tank podcast. He's the least listenable guy when it comes.

He's a professional orator that stumbles his words together faster than anybody uh it's fun every week is a different uh topic we cover great podcast you really have an excellent podcast i love it i listen all the time i've there's a ton of great episodes and i know the state of the union one with dave smith is always excellent just came out first video podcast we did it a guest did you recorded it beautiful you videos on. Yeah, I might do a studio I can just turn on. Yeah, why not, man?

It's easy. Give it to the producer later. It's easy. It's easy. Beautiful. All right. We're going to be back with the official Sober October podcast with other fucking losers who are going to tell us that we cheated already by smoking cigars.

Come see me in Chicago in November. Tickets at arieshafeer.com. Or ariethegreat.com. Yeah. Tell us we're cheating. Fucking fine.