The Joe Rogan Experience - #1358 - Sober October 3

Episode Date: October 1, 2019

Joe is joined by Ari Shaffir, Bert Kreischer & Tom Segura to discuss their 3rd annual Sober October challenge.

skipped traffic in la there's no way he's not doing that again yeah dude 10 minutes lax to burbank what are you doing helicopter rented a helicopter last night 10 minutes how much does it cost a thousand dollars it costs you more than that a thousand dollars to go where where you going thousand dollars lax so to skip coming up check out blade wait why do you why do you want to go i was because i'm only home for less than 24 hours this trip. And I was panicking. And then I was like, what does it cost to get a helicopter? My assistant, Andrew, my cousin, Andrew, was like, let's check.

And he's like, it's actually, it's not that expensive. He's like, it's $1,000. And I was like, I go, fuck it. Let's shoot some videos. We'll get in the helicopter. Wow. And so we just shot a video to promote dates. What does it cost to fly straight to Burbank? You can't fly from LAX to Burbank.

No, I mean. From wherever you work. Yeah, but you got to connect. Explain to me what you're doing it for again. Just to put it on, just promote dates. No, but it's also to skip. It's to skip. Oh, you skip the 405?

Yeah. Where were you going though? We were going from, we landed at LAX last night and at five o'clock and I was like, we're going to be in our traffic for two hours. Right. And I was like, I'm going to get home and I won't see the girls. They'll already be asleep. And so I was like, fuck it.

Let's see at a helicopter. And then they grab you from the door of the plane. They drive you across the tarmac over to the helicopter. And you're home in 10 fucking minutes. That's pretty nice. And it was at sunset. It was beautiful. It's a big thing now in New York, too.

There's actually like three or four. It's got a long island. No, you can even fly. To the airport. You can go to JFK. From Newark to JFK. No, like three or four. No, you can even fly. To the airport. You can go to JFK. From Newark to JFK. No, like I'm saying, you can go from Midtown, you can go from downtown to these blade stations and fly to JFK.

I mean, seems cool. Yeah. If you can wrap your head around it as marketing as opposed to like a lifestyle. In New York, it's way, way less expensive because those are pools. So it's like it's on a rotation so you're just buying a seat you know what I mean you're not doing it for yourself

have you done it? no but I was I did it to go to a gig in New York so I did I was in New York and it was to go to Jersey so I skipped

all the rush hour traffic and just flew to Jersey that's where it's really fucking worth it that was pretty fun but they said you can go to if you're going out of JFK

you can do it that way too our earth is dying yeah I'm having private helicopter checks no I was reading But they said if you're going out of JFK, you can do it that way too. Our earth is dying. I'm a private helicopter. I was reading an article about that today. Do you know people keep saying we need to stop eating meat to save the environment? Yeah. Do you know that greenhouse gases, only 9% of all greenhouse gases, 9% are because of agriculture?

Less than half of that is because of meat. What is it from? Less than half of that is because of beef. So you're literally dealing with like 3%. What's all the greenhouse gas emissions from then? Pollution. Cars, trucks, vehicles. Helicopters. Big helicopter rides.

You go to Vietnam and they're burning their trash in their front yard. Oh my God, it's crazy. Everything we can do to this country, it is a piss on a fire compared to what is happening in the rest of the world. Well, just the thing is you can't save the world by not eating meat, just to let everybody know. Right. The meat thing is that. Coming from the guy who just shot a one-ton elk. Well, that animal is a wild animal.

It has nothing to do with animal agriculture. It's probably about 800 pounds. It's coming he wasn't 100 pounds so cool you had to carry that out yeah well we got lucky that we could get a ranger to it so we had to quarter it up and then we put it in the back one of those four-wheel drive things and they dragged it got it out of this is recently a couple days ago oh where was this one utah the mountains in his front yard i do it a couple times a year. He has a chop out there. It's where I get all my meat.

You guys want some meat? I definitely want some elk. I really do. I'll give you some elk sausage before you leave here. I'm going to munch here. Just like 100 pounds. Nothing crazy. Dude, I can give you 100 pounds.

I don't want 100 pounds. You get 400 pounds of meat off of Utah. Do you ever have too much meat where you bring it home and you're like, fuck, there's no room in the fridge? No, but I have three commercial freezers here, and I have two at home. Yeah. You really do eat it, though, because you're always- I eat the fuck out of it.

You do it in your grill. I eat it constantly. Yeah, it's good. It makes you healthy. It looks so good. It's fucking good for you. I put an Instagram picture of my plate. I made it like Joe makes his plates.

You know, like a nice steak, kimchi kimchi some jalapenos avocado i posted it and fucking everyone's like rogan rogan rogan it's like you're known for what your plate looks like do you eat healthy uh i am now sometimes i am now i lost i'm down 21 pounds really yeah what'd you do big shit i went to the cardiologist and he was like This is done Really And he's like Hey man You're getting a fatty liver I heard you talking

With the black stripes Yes About that White stripes No not the white stripes Black keys Black keys Always with the black

And the white You're getting So He's the racist comic It's over No keep that going It's done It's done

It's over It's the worst You're the furhrer of funny. The Fuhrer of funny. Can't wait to give Ari his nickname. Do you have a fatty liver? Legitimately? No, no.

You have a fatty liver? He said it's at the beginning. He said, because he'd been testing my livers every nine months. You've been having a heart attack for the last six months. That's no joke. You lost how much? 21 pounds. That's crazy.

In the last how long? In one month. Are you down below the- I didn't drink. It was a big thing. I didn't drink, and I worked, and I go to Hot Spin every day, and I was home, and so I wasn't touring. Hot Spin.

So it's like hot yoga, but you're spinning? Yeah. They have the heat on. It's like 100-something degrees. It's awesome. Wow. Dude. Yeah.

I took a burning shot. What's it called? Hot Spin. Just called Hot Spin? The Sweatshop in Toluca Lake. The Sweatshop with two P's and an E? Yeah. It's called appropriating slave labor.

It is. The Sweatshop. For some rich fucking suburban people to exercise. Because Sweatshop's a real thing. It's part of someone's history. And you would never understand. So why don't you be quiet? Tell them.

Black people talk here. Tell them, Ari. So you've been going to that. And wait, what did the doctor say? Will you say what he said yeah is that yeah so he said you got a fatty lip and then he goes he goes he did a sonogram of my of my organs every time he does like a sonogram of them yeah he said you're he goes your liver's looking fatty i said do i like am i up from drinking he goes no it's because

you're 258 pounds and he's like it's the most common thing I see when I go and work as a doctor for like clinics as like just donate his time. He was, everyone's got a fatty litter. It's just the, and that is the cause of the beginning year of your decline for your health. And I went, I just, it freaked me out. And I was like, all right, no booze, no, no sweets, no sugars, no pastas, no breads. And I was like, I'm losing, I'm going to fucking lose weight. So you didn't drink at all for a month? No, I had like a couple of drinks. Like no, no breads. And I was like, I'm going to fucking lose weight. So you didn't drink at all for a month?

No, I had like a couple drinks. Like, no, no. I know, but you always... For me, for me. There's no drinking. Ari and I decided we're going to set this up like when the Navy SEALs get to ring the bell to quit. We're going to set this place up with ice and vodka.

That's true. We're going to just leave it all laying out on the table. I could easily tap out first date. First date, you have the most to gain by quitting. We were thinking that we kind of cheated by smoking cigars. Well, it's already done. We got high on these cigars. I think if anyone's cheating, it's Ari's alcoholic kombucha.

Well, we were hoping that you guys were going to tell us that we already cheated. And now it's over? Yeah. Oh, my God. It'd be lovely. Hey, guess what? You're right. You're losers. It's over cheated. And that it's over? Yeah. Oh, my God. It'd be lovely. Hey, guess what? You're right. You're losers.

It's over. All right, let's enjoy our months. I got a 12 o'clock flight tonight. So no sugar, no pasta, no booze, or very little booze? Very little booze. That's great. What's very little? What's very little?

Friday, Saturday. Like, I could drink on Friday or Saturday. But how much did you drink on Friday? Not much. All of it? Because I get super, I get, like, the first two Friday Saturdays I didn't drink. Did you post where you were getting an IV? Oh, by the way, wait till I tell you what happened.

That backfired on me big fucking time. Why? Why'd you need it though? Let's start with Ari slipping me Molly. What? Let's start there. You slipped him Molly? Yeah.

Dude, what are you doing? What are you doing? How much? It's not enough. Interesting. How did you do it? Where was this? It was at his house.

It was on my house in front of my children. Oh. We had a shot before we started. I had to empty out a capsule and fucking put it into a shot. Are you out of your mind? Are you out of your mind? Yeah. Yeah. it was great no it was it was great it was not they're making me go on this fucking stupid shit yeah what kind of sociopath are we friends with he did it to punish me because i have to be sober you don't give up molly you're only giving

up alcohol i don't do molly because i just got back from the doctor and he said hey it's time to get healthy i agree so yeah i agree you don't think it's fucking crazy that you would do that a bit yeah you're not doing it to like a your fucking college roommate did you even get the molly tested like where are you buying this molly no i've done it for my favorite molly dealer and you just spiked his drink yeah yeah high blood pressure high cholesterol high cholesterol. Guys, you're all talking about what ifs. I would want to kill you. I would fucking want to kill you. He wanted to for about 10 minutes until the Molly kicked in.

Then he was fine. How fun was it? It's Molly. It's fucking... I had to fly that night. I was on a fucking plane going like, when's this going to fucking stop? Because I didn't know that orange juice kicks it back up. So I'm drinking... Orange juice kicks it back up? Vitamins orange juice kicks it back vitamins for c you drink a lot of orange juice

generally on the fucking plane i'm drinking trying to get hydrated because i'm on fucking molly and so i'm drinking titos and orange juice wait a minute you're drinking titos while you're on molly hey joe joe party's that party's okay i didn't pick the molly but you already knew you were on it yeah and i was having severe panic attacks because i'm like i don't do molly and i'm thinking Hey, Joe. Joe, party's at. Party's in. I didn't pick the Molly. But you already knew you were on it. Yeah. And I was having severe panic attacks because I'm like, I don't do Molly. And I'm thinking that kid died from Molly in Mexico. That comedy writer. Oh, yeah.

I don't think it was that. He died from Molly. And I'm sitting there going, I'm 46. I got high blood pressure, high cholesterol. I'm on pain. I'm on meds. It was great. He noticed how great his wife looked.

And he was like, she's awesome. I've got a great wife. Yeah, I was definitely on Molly. He's looking out through the window. Like, you're def- Do you do this a lot? No. Do you spike drinks?

I've never done it before. Really? Yeah. The first time. And what made you fucking want to- Well, because I don't really want to do the sobriety things. You mean for the month? So you just forced him to do a drug?

Yeah, so he's doing it for me. Yeah, a fun, hard party drug. We had a great time. Would you do that to Tom? Or would you only do that to Bert? He said he'd doing it for me. Yeah, a fun, hard party drug. Would you do that to Tom? Or would you only do that to Bert? He said he'd do it to you. If this podcast was yesterday, then yeah, you would have all been dosed. Seriously?

Yeah. I said to him, you would not do this to Joe. And he goes, 100% I would. Yeah, if this podcast was yesterday, it wouldn't have broken up sobriety. Why would you do that when you just offer it to us? Yeah, why the spike? He wouldn't take it. No way he'd take it.

You I could offer it to. You're, why would you? Yeah, why the spike? He wouldn't take it. No way he'd take it. You I could offer it to. You're a fucking grown-up. This child, you're not a grown-up. How mad would you be if you got spiked? I'd be very mad. If you were at your house,

it was your last... I'd have something to do. The problem is if you have something to do that's out the window. You were good. Thank you. We were planning

to get drunk at the podcast. I was planning on having a couple drinks with you and then getting you out of my house, having dinner with my children, relaxing, getting on a plane, and going on tour. Instead, that's scrap. You had so much fun. I don't believe your fake anger. That's a real weird one, Ari.

There's no fake anger in this. That's a weird one. Here's what it was. I'd like to be on your side with this, Ari. Thank you. I appreciate it. I appreciate it. End of story. did. It was. I'd like to be on your side with this, Ari. Thank you. I appreciate it. I appreciate it. End of story.

Thank you. No, he said he's not. He said he's not on your side. That's not what I heard. He said how much he likes being on my side. Look, I would like to be on your side too,

but I would be enraged if you did that to me. He said, I'm going to call Tom. He's going to be really mad at you. I'm like, there's no, Tom's going to die laughing instantly. And he goes,

no, he's going to be mad at you. How many times have you done Molly? Me? Yeah. i don't think i've ever no none zero zero yeah you when i was a kid yeah did ecstasy yeah i guess okay so i've never done molly i've never done molly's just pure ecstasy yeah i've never done molly it's way better it's better for you have you yeah once uh like like you put the powder in your lip? Just took pills. Yeah. Yeah.

The problem was the next day. Thank you. I was so dumb. The next day I remember being in a coffee shop trying to read a magazine. I couldn't read. I couldn't take in a paragraph. I would try to read a paragraph and then it would start over again. And I would try to read it again.

You're out of your mind. What do you mean? And it would start over again. That's great. And I bombed that night're out of your mind. What do you mean? And it would start over again. And then I bombed that night. Thank you. I went on stage that night. I had to go on tour. I had to go on tour

to what, 2,800 people that night on the next night on Molly. And I was like, I did two shows. You were on Molly 38 hours later. I was like coming off of drugs

and I was like, I was like mother, like I was shaky. I couldn't think straight and I was like fucking. You can't think straight. Yeah. Once you do get off that stuff, the thing is like, you're dumb I was shaky. I couldn't think straight. I was like fucking. You can't think straight. Yeah. Once you do get off that stuff, the thing is like you're dumb.

Like all your brain juice is all fucking squeezed out. You don't think, I mean like you definitely would see that spiking a girl's drink is not okay. Right? If it's for sex. Yeah, then it's not okay. But if it's just for goofs? For goofs, yeah. If you're friends.

What? In the right circumstances, absolutely. Listen, Bill Cosby. Listen, Bill Cosby. Let's go through the circumstances. You're a little bit... Dr. Hugs will over here. You're a little fucking...

You're only pulling sex into it. If it's just for fun, good times. What is the right circumstances where you'd be able to drug someone? If a bunch of people are out, and everyone's gonna do acid and then uh some part is always somebody's always like kind of like express interest in acid and then you don't know if they're gonna do it or not so you're just like i'm i know you you would like this you took some i think you know it's not okay to do that i think you know i'll tell you right now i know you i know you regretted it after you did it the next day i think you felt bad about it. I felt, no, I felt, I thought it was great.

I thought it was so fun. Because I noticed how you text, and Tom did too. You were like, hey, man, had a great time the other day. Yeah. I told you what to take, 5-HTP. Yeah. Let's go get some. That's great.

Did it help? Stabilizer? No, nothing helped. So wait, did all this lead to the IV? Is this what the IV is? It led to the IV, because I was like, I was just, I was shaking, and I was like, man, I don't feel right. And they're like, you were on Molly last night. You didn't sleep on the plane.? I led to the IV because I was like, I was just, I was shaking and I was like, man, I don't feel right. And they're like,

you were on Molly last night. You didn't sleep on the plane. I flew all through the night. Didn't sleep. I was just fucking like. All through the night. Did it fuck up your shows? I don't know.

I don't know. No. I don't think so. I mean, I, I, I, you pull it together.

People think, I think people think I'm hammered on stage anyway. And so, but what happened was I couldn't, the whole weekend I kept trying to

just right the boat by going like and you can't do that without call you just got to do that by like getting off and but it's my last weekend of sober october and it's just that's why i'm like right now i'm just like well fuck damn ari i'm sorry i don't believe him i'm not sorry i'm so glad i did it yeah are you serious what a great podcast then i'd be more sorry. Whose podcast was it? Yours? Mine. It was great.

I'm on Molly, yeah. I'll tell you the fucking, I'll tell you, I will never, I love this man. Joey Diaz, I called you, then I called you, then I called, I'm panicking. I'm in a panic. You called me? Yeah. I didn't get a call. I was on stage, right?

And then I called you back after. Tom called me back and then Joey Diaz I said Ari just slipped me Molly and all he said is I'll be there in 10 I'll be there in 10 minutes

he came to your house came to the house sat with me he's like you're gonna be fine he just told stories the sun was going over his shoulder and it was just setting

it was so beautiful he's like a fucking it was like he was like a god you definitely shouldn't do that Ari yeah okay but talk about the good parts though no so it was beautiful you're like you're like a guy that raped her like going yeah but you like dick right so the dick was in you you like dicks in you talking about how great it was with the sun setting behind joey diaz as he's telling these stories of starting comedy he wants i mean you know what he's doing, right? He's like, see, it was a good night.

It was so great. It was so fun. I can't co-sign this because I don't want kids hearing this going, oh, Ari did it. Savage Ari Shafir. No, no. I'm going to spike my friend's drink.

No, kids don't do it. Good point. I can't co-sign it. I can't even release the fucking podcast because I don't want anyone going like, because I am in a good mood. I'm old Molly. Yeah. I'm high as shit. i don't want anyone going like because i am in a good mood i'm molly yeah i'm high as shit you don't want anyone getting active representation of what molly does to you i don't want kids it's different if i don't want kids taking over a train either

the whole podcast is about you drugging me it's not about me taking molly i think you've expressed that you were against it on the podcast the views of this podcast do not represent do you know how hard it is to be your friend do you have any fucking idea it was so great to see you all smiles but it's weird you've never you never dosed anybody before but you chose that one moment to dose burt yeah i realized how great it'd be i had to take out would you do the same thing if you went to tom's house do a podcast you had the on you, you think you would have dosed him? Okay. Here's why it's different. Tom alone hasn't really, I feel like he's not the reason I have to do this month of sobriety where I do blame you a lot more.

Then let's not do it. I'm down with that. I don't want to be scared to be around Jamie. I won't dose you again. That's a one-time only thing. Just get the ice. That's a one-time only thing. You got to not do that again, dude. No, that's a one-time only thing. Just get the ice. That's a one-time only thing. You've got to not do that again, dude.

No, that's a one-time only thing. I'm concerned about leasing the podcast because I'm wondering if someone's going to go, that's illegal. Let's fucking call the police. Well, this podcast wouldn't exist. Without some illegalities. This podcast, the entire time we were doing it, we were smoking weed from the beginning of the podcast, 10 years ago.

Weed's only been legal since two years ago. Tom, you laughed like crazy when you heard about it. Well, I'm on the phone in a green room, and he's like, Oh, he spiked my drink. Oh, he spiked my drink. So I didn't know really what was going on. I didn't know he was even serious. I'm on the phone.

He's got a hydro flask with his name on it. What? Like a little kid with a notebook. No one's touching my drink. Turn it to something so everybody can see. machine? A little kid with a notebook. No one's touching my drink. Turn it to something so everybody can see. So like a little kid with a notebook.

It says, Bert Kreischer, seventh grade. Yeah. Bert Kreischer. Yeah. He said he, we went,

I went to this, I couldn't be around my kids. I had to say goodbye to my kids that night. High as fuck. I go into my daughter's room and she's got these lasers that make stars on her ceiling.

And you're dancing. And I'm blowing up. I'm just like, okay. He's like, I'll turn it up i go turn this up daughter she gave me a hug and i was like fucking beaming i was like i smelled her hair and i was like god i fucking love you that sounds awesome and i'm like and in my head i'm like joey said something to me that goes you would have already had your stroke it would have already happened like Fuck, man. Like, Joey's a doctor? No, but in those moments, in those moments, it helps. It's just panic attacks.

So I give Isla in Georgia hugs and kisses goodbye. Give Leanne the longest kiss goodbye. By the way, my flight's not leaving until midnight. It's like 7 o'clock. I can't be in there. I can't be around them. I'm like talking fucking quick. I have big ideas. So then I go to the

store wait how good was the shower shower was pretty amazing yeah right shower was pretty i can't deny molly's not fucking amazing it's just it's the surprise element it's the surprise the comedown's not worth it my comedown's not worth it at all and but then we went to the store what you did and i just hung out i just had to sell i needed to be somewhere and i couldn't just wait at the airport yeah so the only place safe place 9 somewhere and I couldn't just wait at the airport. Yeah. So the only place, safe place to go was the store. So I sat at the store for like an hour drinking.

Comedy store. Yeah, the comedy store. So you went on Molly to the comedy store. Yeah, I just went there to hang out in the back room. He came in all angry, like, oh, I still love you. And then David Spade was there and he loves celebrities. So I was like, what happened? He's like, all right, it's a fun story. Let me tell you.

It was killing in the green room. It was killing. By the way, I took it on stage and it destroyed on stage. So you were high on Molly on stage? No, no, no, no. That night? No, I told about getting. Oh, so you told the next day when you were doing your shows.

So it's a bit now. You guys are going to see. It sucks. I'm a comedian. What am I going to do with it? Just be a victim? Lay in my tour bus? Talk to my therapist?

That's good. You should do that if you get raped. What if that's the new machine? It won't be. Hey, man. Why so negative? Because it's amazing. Maybe that's your new thing.

Instead of taking your shirt off, people just spike your drink. Oh, my God. Why would you say that? Oh, my God. No way. Do not do that. That's it. That's it. Why would you say that? I'm thing. Instead of taking your shirt off, people just spike your drink. Oh, my God. He just started going, why would you say that? Oh, my God. No way. Do not do that. Why would you say that? I'm out.

I'm out. I'm fucking out of this podcast. He's the one who spiked your drink, and he's like, don't say that. Don't do that. It's hilarious. Now, you can't accept drinks from anyone. It's a one-time only thing. Not with our fuckhead fans.

It happens when I'm done. It's over. Everybody, that's done i find our fans you have to apologize that is a one-time thing i listen i'm sorry i'm had a great time with you but i'm sorry you had to come to me doing it behind your back cut that fucking thing off your wrist but but um i'm glad we did it it was so much fun at some point he just goes he was like starting to get angry and then he goes oh oh, your eyes are great. Let me see those eyes. Beautiful eyes.

Yeah, thanks. Wouldn't the world be a better place if everybody was on just a smidge? Yeah. Just a smidge of Molly all the time. Probably. A lot more empathetic world. I didn't even give him a full dose. Oh, cool.

Thanks, man. You're welcome. Like a half a dose? Two thirds. The best is he goes, we were in the store store I'm talking to Tony Hinchcliffe And I go he would never have done it to anyone else He only would have done it to me And he goes that's not true

I said would you do this to Rogan He goes 100% It was all of us together No you and Joe at his house You wouldn't spike his drink And then go hey man If he forced me into a thing where I had to give up things I love for a month Then yeah he would have got it so ari is has been mad at you and i i listen i'm probably the only

one here besides him that listens to his podcast you don't listen to his podcast i do ari gets fucking furious at you bert for this oh then fucking let's stop i'm the you got me you got me bro october what are we doing with our lives? You really get mad at him for that? So mad. So mad. He got so mad. It was crazy.

It didn't even do anything. He drank just as much after October as before. It never curbed anything. What are we still doing this for? He's got a point that the whole reason why we did it in the first place was to try to sober you up. We didn't think we'd be able to do it. He had no problem at all.

So are we announcing that on the first of october we're done with this shit well listen no one has a problem here except burt i i like a glass of wine with with dinner maybe two isn't it like a shot i like a shot of whiskey before i go on stage that's nice too maybe occasionally i'll like a beer while i'm on stage watching the yankees i'm not a drinker in the sense of I don't get drunk a lot. If I get drunk once a month, it's a crazy month. Like, drunk. And it's usually somewhere where I'm with you guys or something. Maybe a podcast.

We just start doing drinks. Yeah. I've always wondered that. Do you just get a buzz? Yeah. Like a little buzz, and then you're fine? Then I stop. Yeah.

Dude, I work out too much. I'm too healthy. I'm getting up in the morning. that you just get like a buzz like a little buzz and then you're fine then i stop yeah dude i work out too much i'm too healthy i'm i you know i'm getting up in the morning most mornings i'm either doing yoga or i'm running or i'm lifting weights and doing cardio i just i can't take the beating the beat and at 52 it's not fun you know the beating on your body of alcohol yeah the beating of the you know as you get older it's harder to recover from things, harder to recover from workouts, harder to get back into shape. But if you stay in shape, so that's the whole thing is like staying in shape. If you stay in shape and take care of your body, you can get a lot more life out of your body than most people think. Right.

It's inevitable that your body's going to fall apart. And whether my body falls apart at 60 or 70, whatever the fuck the year is going to be, it's going to happen. But right now, it works great. So my thought is, right now, I'm not going to fuck it up. I do a little bit of booze. I like a little bit. But I can recover from a little bit, no problem.

Sure. And there's a lot of studies that show that a little bit of wine, in particular, a glass of wine or two, there's some benefits to it. There's actually some health benefits but didn't but also us pushing this month be you know has become more about the like the camaraderie and the challenge aspect and not really about needing sobriety right well he needs it though stop he had no problem at all quitting i have no problem quitting it's easier than ours ours. You're correct. He actually had less of a problem than he does because he's

spiking people's drink to get back at them because they won't let him drink. Well, he's just angry at you because he likes to drink in October and he actually doesn't have a problem. And I like to do drugs. You don't even do drugs. For you, I do drugs. The criticism is right here in this box.

I got mushrooms mushrooms I got acid We can get partying We can get partying You guys We can get crazy How about we do Sober October Except for acid

So you can nibble on acid The whole month How about Except for mushrooms We can microdose The whole month For me I would just be like

Hey can we just do Edibles all month But just stay away From everything else Yeah I love edibles One drug only That's my You know You know what I like I like a couple of pumps love edibles One drug only That's my You know

You know what I like I like a couple of pumps Of the old THC spray That's good Just two pumps Yeah Everything's The sky's brighter

I love a post Post show Like low milig dosage I love that Nice And then walk around afterwards On like a mild buzz Yes

Yeah I like it You don't like to get high Before you go on stage huh I hate it How many times did i make you uh too many and then and then he would be like i'd be like that was the worst experience of my life he was like you did great you did do great though that was the thing you were scared as fuck well that's the only thing that i've i've learned from actually from other comics doing it like all the time and saying like, I brought Jeff Tay with me and he gets high as fuck is that he,

after a while, that panic thing just dissipates and then he's in the pocket, right? Like, in the zone, high up there.

I can see that being fun too. Yeah. But, I don't know, I prefer after show. You know what's dangerous for me? The first weekend after Sober October

because my body is clean yeah super and the fucking weed hits you so hard so you're on stage going okay what am i even talking about yeah it's gonna it's gonna wreck you again uh november 1st yeah i'm gonna be in europe for that or i'm gonna be it yeah where are you gonna be in denmark i'll be in london that day and the next day I go to Dublin. Oh, Dublin. They're going to get you fucked up. Yeah, I know. Oh, you're going to get bombed.

Hey, come on. Come on, Mr. Segura. You know, it's a fun way to get off. We're doing it, though, right? Are we staying? Wow. I mean, there's vodka on that table right there. There's whiskey.

I'm not going to be one to ring the bell. No, he's not going to do it. Listen, not everybody can be a SEAL. Yeah. Okay. Some people just- Ring the bell, Ari everybody can be a SEAL. Yeah. Okay. Ring the bell, Ari. Let's ring the bell. Just tap out.

Ari wants to ring the bell. That's the thing. Just quit. So wait, why do you want to continue this? What do you care? Why do you care? He likes the struggle. The same reason why he went back to his phone.

He wants to see if he can handle the cell phone. You know you can handle the month, right? You can handle the cell phone, too. Of sobriety. I can handle it, but I won't enjoy it as much. Going to Yankees games and part of me kept thinking like, oh, I won't drink, but I may as well just do an edible or something. It's not the worst.

And then I'm like, oh, I can't even do that. Hold your breath until you almost black out and then catch your breath again and then keep doing that through the whole game. It'll make it interesting. That'll be real interesting. Or just green light people, Molly and you. And then it's like you didn't do it. You don't want that shit, man. That's right. Green light people giving you and you. And then it's like you didn't do it. You don't want that shit.

That's right. Green light people giving you acid. It's so great. You've absolutely, not that I'm a big drinker, you have ruined me accepting a drink from anyone forever. Oh, forever. People were coming up with drinks to me. That's not great.

I would get scared leaving my drink around. Yeah. It's fucking crazy. Like a lot of girls. Dude. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of girls, man.

When they go to bars, they get scared taking a drink from a man. girls yeah yeah a lot of girls man when they go to bars they get scared taking a drink from a man and they sure yeah they should how many people do you know that have been drugged i know besides birth i know a couple yeah i know i know a bunch of girls i know at least three or four girls that have like said something happened i gotta get out of here and they tell their friends and then creepy guys like like predators are moving close. Like, hey, she's fine. She's fine. There's the guy right there. He was like, ghost dad. I knew the whiskey tasted weird.

Yeah, what'd you do? A shot? Was it in a shot? It was in a shot, yeah. And you tasted it and you're like, oh, it's fine. I did taste it. And I went, you know what's so funny? I walked in and Ari was, he looked like Dr. Jekyll. Like he was doing something.

I go, what are you doing? And he was like, oh, I'm making a shot. And I went, okay. Just my back to you. He was like, two shots of scotch. I have me to getting mollied on my phone like a movie he put it on instagram him mollying me jesus christ i keep like forgetting about it and then i keep i know you're a fucking psycho and then i fucking i try to put myself in like in the mind frame of how upset i would be well what would you have done if Bert had a stroke?

Okay, good question. You've got to bury the footage. You can't have that footage out. First thing. So, yeah, you've got to get in his phone. You've got to get whatever's being recorded. But how do you know what his password is? You've got to figure it out.

You've got to stick it up to his face. Get that face ID. Yeah. Pull the eyes open. Except half of it's going to be limp. Wipe the foam coming out of his mouth. Yeah, his face is twitching, and you've got to wipe the foam away. Or he's trying to keep his face up.

Wake it up, man. Yeah, wake it up. I need your help. Thank you. And you're like, delete, delete. Yeah, get everything out of there. Now you feel terrible, man. I feel terrible.

Yeah, yeah, for sure. For sure. I don't know why we're talking about that, though, because that never happened. So we're sticking to now, which was you had a new appreciation of your family, your friends, your backyard. New appreciation. But you do realize that last year was kind of like the idea of being sober, part of it was for you. Last year?

No. Two years ago. Two years ago. Well, two years ago was the weight loss thing. No, that's when we started it. Oh, that's right. Two years ago was yoga. Two years ago was a legit.

Two years ago was yoga. The origin of this was like, Bert, can you not drink from it of this fitness challenge was like burt can you not drink yeah right but that was that was for you though right 100 and by the way i didn't think i didn't think i'd be able to do it and i will say that at the time i was drinking so fucking much and i didn't i was unaware of how much i was drinking and when you guys said that in here i went i kind of like woke me up and i was like fuck i really am drinking tito's by myself at night i just like to go to bed and it was a great way to cut my drinking because you guys made it camaraderie-esque and so i didn't feel like all eyes were on me and i did it and it did change the way i drink it 100% changes the way i drink that last year strap that's gonna when it shows you how much you sleep it's really sobering because you can't lie yeah like you look at it oh four hours and

30 minutes you know what i like is it sent me the sent me a notification which is like like you should should try to get this like it was late and i'm watching tv and it's like go to sleep where's mine i gotta put it on it's out there grab it. It's by the pool table. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, set it up. But yeah, and then last year was more about the competition. Yes. Sobriety was like a side thought. Last year got crazy.

It's too intense to keep doing. We decided to not do that this year. I can't. Yeah, well, it's just the competition was absorbing too much time. Fuck, it was hard. It was a lot. It was really hard. It was so hard. You need drive to make you work out, huh?

Well, that's one way of doing it, but I don't think that was... Hey, hey, be careful. Don't just stab yourself in the leg. No, no, no, do it up here by your shirt. Do it by your neck. Hold it under your chin. Hold it under your chin. Hold it under your chin.

Hey, take your wrists and make your wrists hold up by your wrists. You can see Bert trying to be angry on the Molly but also going like, fuck,

this is going to be a great podcast. God damn it. You can tell. Yeah, I don't know what I'm going to do with the podcast.

Put it by your eye. Put it by your eye. Have you gone back and listened to it? It kind of made me upset. Really? Yeah, because I can see me panicking.

Like, I can see me going like, i all i said was fuck are you why would you do that like i'm on blood pressure medicine like we know a guy who had a stroke because he took viagra right and it counteracted with this thing and now he can't use his left arm right so i'm just sitting there going one of my biggest fears when that doctor told me i need to lose weight was, what if I just have a stroke and then I just can't work out and be active? What if that's taken away from me? I can't throw the ball with the girls. I can't go bike riding because the left side of my body doesn't work.

And I am, despite what anyone thinks, I am active and I like working out. I like being outside. I like running. And that's what scared the shit out of me. And that's why I started losing weight. I got to with you thank god i lost that weight and when he did that because if he had done that when i was 258 that could have been you'd be done and i'd gone to hot spin for a whole month and and been really healthy for a whole month i was like i literally in the podcast i go okay my okay, my EKG was fine. I'm on blood.

I took baby aspirin today. That's going to help. I was like, okay. And I was going through the checklist to try to calm myself down. But thank God I lost that weight because I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't lost that weight and he'd mollied me. Yeah. You want me to show you how to do that, Ari? It's going to take you a second to figure out.

Yeah, it's a clip. The other side of it. Give it to Tom. Yeah, You want me to show you how to do that, Ari? It's going to take you a second to figure out. Yeah, it's a clip. The other side of it. Give it to Tom. Yeah, Tom will get it. Okay. So, yeah. Yeah, that's not cool, Ari. Don't do that again.

Yeah, okay. All right, now we know. Now we know. But he was that angry that you lost all this weight for the weight loss challenge, and then you got really healthy during Sober October, but then you got bigger than ever. And that shit. What's mine? I said pop it open.

I couldn't pop it open. I had a hard time popping it open, too. I broke it when I popped it open. We'll do this after the podcast, Ari. Yeah. There you go. There you go. Oh, wow.

Jesus Christ. Faggots. Here. Sorry. Sorry if anybody identifies with that word. I'm a faggot. There you go. There you go. It closes like that.

So put your wrist through it. Put it on your left wrist or right wrist over the top like a watch. And then clamp it down. There you go. Now push that thing over the top lock it in place snap it snap it down you had it you had it the right way there it is this is this is a riveting podcast so bad we're fine we're fine um's going to show you a lot. I started wearing mine quite a long time ago. I started wearing mine a couple of months ago. So you guys all want out of Sober October?

Is that what I'm hearing? For sure. It would be lovely. You want out? That's what you sound like. Look, I'm trying to get you guys to quit. Sounds like you're about to ring the bell. I could be sober for years.

I was thinking about going sober forever after October, actually. Oh, really? Were you're about to ring the bell I could be sober for years I was thinking about going sober forever After October actually Oh really? We're thinking about that? Until the special definitely Really? Yeah When are you taping the special?

November Keep your shirt on forever too How about that? Nope Yeah what about keep your shirt on What if you get jacked? What if you get in really good shape And you're ripped?

Throw me in the briar patch What if you did? Like what if So? What if you're gonna take your shirt off? Yeah But it won't look... Fucking... So? What if you're going to take your shirt off? Yeah. But it won't look good. I don't give a shit.

But if you take your shirt off on stage and you have a six pack, people are going to get angry with you. They're not going to think it's funny. Okay. The reason why it's funny is because you're overweight and you're a party guy. You take your shirt off and everybody's laughing. No, I don't think... I think I take my shirt off and I don't think people look at my body throughout the rest

of my set I'm not making jokes like Look at Look at these titties You know, I'm just up there Doing stand-up Right, but they're looking at you Yeah, they're looking at me

Yeah, I'm on stage That's part of the thing Is you take your shirt off Yeah, I like taking my shirt off I understand But if you But if you got skinny Would you still take your shirt off?

That's what I'm saying Yeah, I like taking my shirt off Even if you had a six-pack No, if you had a six-pack, you couldn't do it. Dude, I'll do whatever the fuck I want. No, if you were Jack, there's no way. He's angry at you, and he's taking out on us. Give me that thing again. You don't know what the fuck

you're doing. I don't. He's angry at you. There's no way. If you had a six-pack, you can't take your shirt off. No, you can. If you had a great body. Yeah, you can. But first of all, is that really a thing we're worried about? I can't believe we're really talking about this. Like, Burt. But first of all, is that really a thing we're worried about? I can't believe we're really talking about this. Like Burt's getting to six-pack level?

Yeah, guys, it's not going to happen. Why can't he do it? What did he do to this thing? Are you going to get a six-pack? No. Why not? Because I've never had a six-pack in my entire life, even when I was in high school. So that's not a concern of mine of getting a six-pack.

Now's your big chance. You're not going to do that. That's not a concern of mine, of getting a six-pack. Now's your big chance. You're not going to do that. But I think if you stick to the sobriety and working out, you're going to be sitting up on your own in no time. You know?

Sitting up. So, all right, should we wait? So what are we going to do? You had a six-pack last year. For a little bit. You did. When I was mid-thrust, I would get one. Mid-thrust? Yeah. When you're boning? Okay, it's on it's on right now that's how it's going okay so put your wrist through that

there you go now push that outside over the top and clamp it down so it doubles up over here yep like that that's it okay bam now you gotta download the app bruhuh. Oh yeah, you got a fucking phone. You can actually do it. I got a real phone. Dude, it's wonderful having access to Uber. It's crazy. Yeah, you can text people without getting a fucking hernia. Yeah, I mean, the T9.

Bert's still upset at you. I'm not upset. He's lost a memory of how great a time it was. He's thinking about having a six pack and whether or not he can take his shirt face. No, he's lost a memory of how great a time it was. He's thinking about having a six pack and whether or not he can take his shirt off. No, I'm not. Have you got super jacked and ripped and looked good on stage?

Well, that's true. I would recommend you wearing a clown suit. Yeah, if you're super ripped. Yeah, you can't do that. You know who does that? Jamar does that. Who? Jamar Neighbors. Oh, really? Yeah. He's jacked.

He's super jacked. Super jacked. Earl. Earl did Roche Battle shirtless, and he's ripped. Yeah, that was really funny. And he had a suit and a gold chain on. He was ripped. Jamar also eats on stage.

Does he? He'll just go up with chicken or something to be eating as he's talking. Chappelle got jacked and was wearing tank tops and I think I don't think it stopped anything. It's even better. Tank tops are a different animal than shirtless though. Yeah.

He got yoked. Like the whole thing back in the day was if you have muscles you can't be a comedian. That was what Joe Biscopo got muscles and everyone's like

oh he's no longer funny. Right. And now you look and almost all the comedians are like work out and Yeah when I was starting out

I used to wear big baggy shirts You still do Yeah but really baggy Now I just wear things that are loose But you're trying to make it not a distraction right Yeah I've worn tight things on stage before It's very distracting to me even

Yeah that's the thing if it's in your own head Yeah if it wasn't in my own head yeah if it wasn't in my own head it wouldn't matter I'm sure people don't care it's like that's half of the thing is whether or not

you're comfortable on stage totally if you're uncomfortable it doesn't matter what you look like make it smell I think like ultimately he's the most comfortable

being like he's himself shirtless shirtless yeah you don't even think about it do you after it's off no he's just being himself

yeah I filmed him at the comedy store the last time we did a show together I couldn't get my phone out quick enough. He had his shirt off before he even hit the mic. Yeah, that's how he... I like taking it off.

But you don't take it off in the OR. OR is different. Short sets, you don't really do it. Short sets, it's like... You said it's 15 minutes in the main room, you took it off. Yeah, main room's different. I feel like the main room, they've come and paid a ticket to see a show. The OR is like people coming in and out, no one knows who the fuck you are yeah the main room it's like there's some guys coming from canada

presentation vibe in the main room too presentation vibe you know i mean it's like it's like it is like almost like a theatrical feel to be on a show it's also like huge ceiling swimming with weights when i don't when i have my shirt on i'm very uncomfortable and so i can find out what i can find out what material is working better, easier. Oh, okay. That makes sense. Do you remember the first time you did it? Yeah.

When was the first time? It was in Columbus. I ripped it off. I used to rip it off. I'd just get on stage, rip it off, and everyone would cheer, and then I'd just put it back on. And one time in Columbus, I ripped it off, and I forgot about it. We started talking about something, and then I was like, oh, shit, I've got to put my shirt on. And this woman goes, keep it off. And I was like, oh, shit, I've got to put my shirt on. And this woman goes, keep it off.

And I was like, so I did my whole hour. It was probably like nine years ago. I did my whole hour shirtless. How long ago? This was probably nine years ago. That long ago? Yeah. It was before you were doing it all the time, though.

And then I started doing it. And I started doing it on the road, and it was just, I don't know, it just made me really comfortable. I sweat. When I have a shirt, I'll sweat. You can see sweat pits in it. That's annoying. And it doesn't happen when I take my shirt just, I don't know, it just made me really comfortable. I sweat. When I have a shirt, I'll sweat. You can see sweat pits in it. It's annoying. And it doesn't happen when I take my shirt off. I don't sweat at all.

I see that with you a lot. A lot of times when you're just standing still, you'll sweat a lot. Sweats. Yeah. From the exertion. Yeah. Like just talking and stuff. Yeah.

R, you took your shirt off on stage. You liked it. I do like it. Yeah. I like having it off when I'm walking around. You like being shirtless. You're always like. In the sun, for sure. It feels great. having it off when I'm walking around. You like being shirtless. You're always like. In the sun, for sure.

It feels great. And it hits your skin all the time. Maybe we'll do a benefit where we'll raise money and everyone will do shirtless stand-up. And I'll wear a suit and I'll roast. Wait, so what are we settling on for this month? What are we doing? Heroin. Heroin?

Is that what we're doing? Heroin. Everybody, first time. for this month? What are we doing? Heroin? Is that what we're doing? Heroin. Everybody, first time. I'm in. What are we doing? Well, what we decided over the phone is, one addition is, we have to read 500 pages. And by read 500 pages, I think we mean read. We don't mean audio book.

Read. Correct? But I thought we were just doing these classes. No. We're doing the reading too. That's great. We should. The reading too.

Yeah. We need to read more. So 10 classes of something. It can be hot yoga. It can be jujitsu. It can be spin, hot spin. Some classes. Some hip hop dance.

Hip hop dance. By the way, how great would a hip hop dance been now that you saw the video? We should have done that. That was a great video. I knew what you were going to do. You were going to take your clothes off. That hip hop dance video was great, though. I also danced.

The dancing was okay. It made me cry. It was so good. I'm so shocked that people thought the dancing was good i was so angry i got so upset why were you upset but that people complimented him it was great america's got talent reached out to me jesus christ don't take anybody bro do you dago do you consider yourself more of a comedian or a dancer i was like do you not have a google search engine on your they didn't want to bother with that

They're monsters Well they reached out on Facebook On They emailed me On my website They probably have a million hyenas out there Rummaging the nation Trying to find people with any kind of talent

So they can keep that monster alive Yeah Wait The other thing is Didn't we agree That within these classes They don't necessarily have to be A physical strain it's

like a class of anything that's some class that's new like better yourself tom and i were talking about taking um tactical gun lessons that'd be great so that but i'm saying that's not a workout but it's still like a class and fun class you'll be better off with it than without sword fighting this year it's more about bettering ourselves one of the things that i think we agreed to and and your wife actually reached out to me apparently her and Leanne are going to get together and do a podcast they're doing a podcast called So Over October

for the month yeah because last year was insane look I gave your wife good ammunition for the first episode and the wives fucking hated it yours too right? well she didn't like seeing that part of me either yeah she didn't like it yeah mine too she was like your body looks better but fucking so boring

yeah well shit liam was livid when she found out that i got roof roofied because of sober october yeah she's was she was so she'll never speak to ari again justifiably what me yeah me yeah ari you're the one she'll never speak to ari again no our dory's never allowed in our house it's so bad i and that's what was sucked is i had to take care of both of them yeah like i had to take care of ari and take care of leanne oh i think she's great whoa she doesn't like you bro i think she's great this has been a great mom to her kids. That's cool. I like how you look at things. Fucking wonderful fighter.

You see the bright side of things, even when people hate you. She's awesome. Always had your back. I think she's great. I think she's great. And her temporary anger at me is not going to make me stop liking her so much. Oh, wait, wait. Before I forget.

Yeah. So within the 10 classes, you can't do more than how many of one class? Three, right? Yeah. So you can do one class three times. So you could't do more than how many of one class? Three, right? Three, yeah. So you can do one class three times. So you could technically do three classes three times. But why does that matter? So you can mix it up a little bit.

So you don't just do one thing over and over again. So you don't just do spin class every day and be done with it. As long as you can do something. I mean, but like if you're doing jujitsu, like say if you decide to do jujitsu and learn it, there's nothing wrong with doing six of them. Like that's how you get better Because if you do decide to do it And you get into it

You're going to have to do more than one a week Too easy to do the same shit and not challenge yourself Says you Interesting how you're just making the rules up What do you think about that? Does that make sense to you? Feels like it's against our will Kind of like he's slipping a drug to us doesn't it a little bit i think that if we i think there should be

a one other element to it is that you because there's always been like this physical element to the whole month yeah you should do something on your own that you don't talk about till it's over that you're doing to challenge yourself like the crucible on it too like you and it's not yeah like you for instance i'm not following like for instance you uh like you like to run the hills right yeah so let's say let's just say you go i run it once a week i run it every sunday or something right so for the month you challenge yourself on your own to do it twice a week. And at November 1st, you're like, I took these classes, I read these books, and I ran

my hills twice a week. Or you go, I do 100 push-ups a day, however you want to do it. That way there's some other physical element of wellness throughout the month. Something to challenge yourself to. Yeah. That I'm like, I think I can I'm like I think I can do this I think I can do this Coming back with

A report card Basically yeah Kind of like Lent Where you give up Something that you decide That's right So you essentially Have four things to do

If you can only do three No more than three Of each one So there has to be Four individual things You're doing That's right Yeah

Yeah Four things Four things total right because you could do right you could do yoga you could do spin you could do jujitsu you could do kickboxing you could do whatever yeah crossfit so you got to do four separate things tactical we do that tactical gun training yeah i have a gun i haven't even put bullets in it what really don't know how many bullets in it. What? Really? That's step one. Don't say that now. Say I'm a fucking awesome shot. I just want to really get. Do not attack me.

My address is. Yeah. Yeah, I like this. I like the idea of mixing it up. And I also like the idea that we're not going to go crazy. This is like something. See, the thing about last year is like. It killed all of us.

When it's open-ended. Yeah, I mean, I had had 1100 points one day when you're doing 80 of your max heart rate for a minute you get one point i had 1100 points that was a nuts day 1100 you finish at 11 000 it's that john wick fucking bathhouse scene i watched that scene 50 times in a row and i just wanted to kill everybody yeah i wouldn't stop no no no I know It's not good But I also felt like I was Yeah Mentally and physically breaking down

Throughout the month Yeah But I also was getting really into it Yeah That's the thing It actually It became easier You would feel the soreness

You would feel drained Yeah But you would feel the cloud in your mind Clear Right Yeah Because you work off You and I talked about the chatter

Yeah Internal chatter Gone Stress is Stress is like Gone Really Yeah I didn't have Nothing really bothered me Right Yeah Because you work off You and I talked about the chatter Yeah Internal chatter Gone Stress is Stress is like Gone Really Yeah

I didn't have Nothing really bothered me Because you were working out Nothing bothered me Dude working out like three hours I remember saying to my wife I remember saying to my wife If you could get this in a pill

What this is This feeling of not giving a fuck Like really not giving a fuck Because generally I don't give a fuck about things But man When I'm doing cardio for five hours a day You don't give a fuck You really don't give a fuck because generally i don't give a fuck about things but man when i'm doing cardio for five hours a day you don't give a fuck you really don't give a fuck you don't get bothered by things by anything and the the stresses of life just really start to i didn't lose any weight

though yeah you don't have any weight to lose but i was i thought i was gonna get i am obese i thought i was gonna get At least Some weight loss Because of it I didn't lose a fucking pound I lost a lot But what's your body fat It's got to be like what 7%

It's probably around 10 Somewhere around 10 That's just Cutting water And that's how you get ripped I was drinking all the water But I was eating everything too But I think I might have even

Gained a pound or two I thought I was not going to like i was like watching what i ate as the week you know as the month started and then when it when i saw how competitive it was going and like how crazy we're it started to be like six and seven days of working out yeah it was anything in in sight and i would and i was never full never i was eating boxes of cookies. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In between workouts.

Oh, yeah. I just kept eating. I ate a giant box of vanilla wafers. Ate the whole box. Just shoved them down my fat hole. Yeah. Drank soda, like regular soda, which I never drink. You never do.

Yeah. I always drink Diet Coke. My November was bad because I was eating like that but still working out. And then I just kept eating like that. And it stopped working out. That's what happened to me. Yeah, you got shredded for a while dude yeah they told me at the gym yeah i love that body for a little bit you had the nice little beat yeah the dick root show uh they told me they're like every time somebody blows out because we had remember they had the

point thing at my gym like every time anyone like like the next month there's such a dip and they're like they're like and then you broke that record for like the highest month there's such a dip. And they were like, and then you broke that record for like the highest total and then the biggest dip ever. And I was like, nah, fuck this. I was so over it in November, dude. How long did you guys keep using the MyZones thing? I put it on once just to see what it was. Yeah.

And it fucking brought back like anxiety. Oh, yeah. It makes you anxious. I used it for a while and then I would use it, and then I would take it again. And then recently, I lost it, and they were like, oh, find it. I go, I don't want to find it. Yeah. And then I did find it, and I was like, I'm not putting it on.

I found mine when I moved, and it was like, don't touch it. You touch it. Throw it away. It's like the thing they found, the exorcist, when they brought it back home. This is more of a report, though. Yes. You know, it's different. This is giving you heart rate variability.

It's also telling you how much you've recovered, which I think is very important. Yeah. It's telling you, like, if you do a hard workout and the next day you feel like shit, it's letting you know, hey, your body's not recovered. Like, it's actually giving you accurate data. Because you wear it all the time. Do you know how to read the thing? I don't understand the thing. You go to the website. Go to the website. It'll explain everything. But it's pretty time. Do you know how to read the thing? I don't understand the thing.

You go to the website. Go to the website. It'll explain everything. But it's pretty simple. It's pretty straightforward. Last night I slept five hours and 42 minutes. The sleep part is big. Only sleeping five out of an eight-hour sleep?

Yeah. It really wakes you up, man. I don't know what I did last night. I slept so great last night. I think I got like six hours last night. But the thing about it is it's undeniable. This is not like guesswork. So you're 6.8 hours sleep last night but the thing about it is like it's undeniable this is not like guesswork so you're you're 6.8 hours sleep last night does it tell you what you get when you have sex

is it like a spike well the way i fuck bro it thinks i'm working out you know i'm saying hey what is it what was your activity joe did you work out today no today i have not. I'm working out after this. Do you have a past activity day or day strain? Under the strain, coach. Ooh, I'm 74% recovered. Oh, well, that's good. There you go. Yeah, I got six hours and 39 minutes of sleep, which is pretty decent. That's pretty good. I never sleep.

I struggle with sleep, you know? And last night, I got eight and a half hours. Oh, dude, that's great. Which is unbelievable. Yeah. I had a guy, Dr. Matthew Walker, who really changed my opinion of sleep. That was the sleep guy? That was fascinating.

Oh, I love that guy. What I love is it was fascinating from the jump. He started right away with facts. He's excellent. And he's a really great speaker, too. He's a professor here? Yes. Isn't he?

In LA, too, right? I don't think he's la where's dr matthew walker professor at originally from australia his wonderful hair in the first five minutes the importance that he's like the way he breaks down how important it is berkeley berkeley the way he breaks down how important it is like it just hooks you yeah you know i mean because he's just like it's's basically the most important thing. The most important thing. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, and as far as people who regularly get four hours or less, how many of them get Alzheimer's? It's over the fucking roof. Really? Yeah. Oh, my God. Through the roof. Whatever.

The charts, it's off the charts. The numbers of people that get Alzheimer's that also have very low sleep, there's a definite correlation. It's bad. Bert, come on, bro. We're going to get you healthy this month. I'm going to sleep more. Yeah, sleep more.

Well, that is one thing that that strap will let you know because it will hold you accountable. When you look at the app and it says, hey, you slept for four hours last night, fuck face, you're going to go, oh, Jesus. Yours really knows you. Do you know how my brain talks to me, I guess? Do you take sleep aids? Because that's also bad.

I won't. Yeah, you shouldn't take them. I mess with all kinds of stuff. Do you? Not all the time. I'm just on a rotation. Last night, it was nothing. I've done CBD oil.

I've done- oil I've done What else? CBD and melatonin I like the melatonin That's all natural right? Yeah Yeah melatonin is very natural I've done that

That helps Ambien? I've done that I don't like Ambien I don't like it I've done Xanax That's what did Roseanne Barr in Really?

That and drinking right? Ambien and weed Yeah Booze, weed And Ambien mixed together You don't know what the fuck you're saying You're sitting there Yeah Yeah That's That and drinking, right? Ambien and weed. Yeah. Booze, weed, and Ambien mixed together. You don't know what the fuck you're saying. You're sitting there, yeah.

Yeah. That's a really wild, I think it's a disassociative. Is it? Whatever it is. You start spewing bird thoughts. Xanax. Xanax is. Bird talk. Guys.

What? You have no idea how I have to deal with this. My bus driver's black, and some guy comes up up and he goes, dude, I love your racism. And my bus driver's like, what the fuck? And I'm like, dude, it's your fans. I've lost. You gotta get better fans. They're not my fans.

You lost fans because they think you're racist for real. I've lost my fans. I've lost a lot of fans. What? Are you serious? From what? Because I post anything with a black person in it on Instagram. Oh, yeah.

And they start typing the N-word. Oh, my God. Yeah, fucking Tom's fans. And then new people find me through Netflix, and then they're like, I don't want to even be a part of this. Wow. So it sucks. And you think this is because of your mom's house?

It's because of, I don't know. It's because of a bunch of different things. But regardless, the joke that I'm the most racist comedian in the world, it's a joke. I get it. Top ten. By the way, there's nothing you can do about it you can't stop it yeah once the internet decides something it happens but it just stinks i block them i block i block a lot of people who say that stuff yeah exactly i'm like i like there was they make some memes that are really like fucking disgusting like those 4chan type people right and you just are like and and people don't know because people don't i have fans that don't know about you guys.

Right. That just find me from Netflix and don't know about our friendship. I have a hard time believing that. No, for sure. I went on Burt, and I were in Madison at the same time, and I was like,

it'd be funny, I'll just like, his show started before mine, and I was just like, I'll just go with a broom and like sweep up and see who like goes nuts. And like 12 people were like, oh, hey.

No one else was like, no, I guess they're sweeping. I don't know. When I was telling the Molly story on stage, I said my buddy Ari Shafir has like 12 people going, oh, I love Ari. Netflix is such a broad place. You put out a special on Netflix. And, you know, you can't like I can say Joe Rogan everyone i have a joke you heard the other night yeah it's about you and i say joe rogan and everyone will lose their mind because you are fucking global but you get

specifics like i mean i think my fans know tom i think we share a lot of fans but i think that's because of our podcast too but yeah it's like the people won't know ari which is bizarre to me because i assumed everyone found me through this are you slipping you need a smartphone you need to be more active on social media you gotta live your life but yeah are you still super anti-social media i'm trying it now this month i'm trying it for the month but but yeah you're gonna post you're gonna actually yeah just a lot of though the thinking of like oh how could like just you're in a moment with people and you're thinking like what can i do going to actually post? Yeah, just a lot of the thinking of like, oh, just you're in a moment with people and

you're thinking like, what can I do? How can I post stuff? You know one of the good things? Instead of just losing yourself in a moment. Good things about Twitter? What? You can post pictures of your hog. Right.

Yeah, you can. That's nice. Twitter's got porn on it. They don't care. Yeah. Which is kind of crazy. It is kind of crazy, especially because they end up being like, this person wrote something not nice.

Right. And then you're done. And you can show your hog and your asshole. There's videos. I'll be scrolling through my feed and I see a video of someone taking in the ass. Wow. I'm like, alrighty. But if you dead name someone, it's over.

They ban you for life. If you call Caitlyn Jenner Bruce, you're done. Yeah, yeah. Forever. Did you see the rose? How many times she congratulated herself for being brave? Fuck off. She congratulated herself? Twice in jokes. Like, yeah. Forever. Did you see the rose? How many times she congratulated herself for being brave? Fuck off. She congratulated herself?

Twice in jokes. Like in jokes. I think it goes to show you, trans people out there, that if I can do this, you can do anything. Do what? Like come out of the closet in Wyoming and not get, no, you can't. And get loved. Yeah.

What are you talking about? And get a massive amount of praise. Everybody forgets what a dummy she was. Yeah. She was a dumb dude. Yeah, yeah. Before. Dumb dude a dummy she was. Yeah. She was a dumb dude. Yeah, yeah. Dumb dude becomes a celebrated woman. It's amazing.

It's a great hook. Yeah, I mean, it's... It's a good hook. Like, when they interview her, that's when you realize, like, oh, wait a minute. Like, you're not very... You're a moron. Yeah. Oh.

This is not... Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're just famous. Yeah. You know? That's it. That's it. But the things that they say... That's why it's that they say, there's no depth to any of it.

And then everybody conveniently forgot that she just plowed into some lady and forced her into traffic and killed her. Yeah. Wasn't paying attention behind the wheel. What happened with that? But that disc all swept away. I don't know how that got swept away. I don't know how it got swept away with the whole being brave because she's trans. It's amazing.

You can tweet something a little racist like roseanne barr and they ruin your career but you can kill someone and everyone's like whatever yeah she's having a bad day she was also a trump supporter that was part it's where it's compounded and the racist but by the way what she tweeted was not racist that lady looks like the lady from the planet of the apes and she did not know that that lady was african-american yeah she's a very small percentage african she looks she looks which is exactly what roseanne said well have you ever seen the images of her side by side dude it's like saying you don't look like a gay bear you know you're a gay bear there's so many

guys who are gay who are bears with like nipple straps and they would look just like you you put them right next to you that's not a bad thing yeah you look like a hot sexy gay bear power bear power i'm a muscle bear you're a top bear whoa i guess if you're a bear you have to be a real brave bear to take it in the butt, right? Yeah. Because that's not your thing. Do you get hit on? Oh, yeah.

Do you? Feet up in the air. If you're a bear with your feet up in the air and your asshole spread out and just pulling it apart, that's a brave bear. That's my favorite type of message to get. To make you feel like what a woman must feel like all the time is a message where a guy's like, saw, saw your special, hilarious, love what you're doing. Love yourself. Can't wait to see it on tour. And you're pretty cute. And you're like,

okay, all right. That's nothing. You see, no, but that's like, I just got a small taste of it. Yeah.

That's like, you know, has Whitney ever shown you her fucking DMS? Oh no. Oh Jesus. It's all dicks, all dicks, dicks,

and guys who want to jerk off on her feet. They want her to jerk them off with their feet. I'm like, there's something about real creeps all over in the feet they're all i'm in the feet pretty hard yeah yeah me too man there you go a couple of creeps i've been sending witty messages for years did you see that lady she's a she's fitness influencer, and she just got arrested. She's going to do five years in jail.

She had 269 different or 369 different Instagram accounts that she was using to harass people and threaten them and say she was going to cut them up. What? Yeah, yeah. This one crazy bitch. Who is she? Some crazy bitch from- Like a popular- Yes, it's a good state she's from.

Florida? Yes! Of course she's from Florida. It's our town. So she she did she also staged a fake

kidnapping of her 12 year old daughter. Jesus. Yeah. She's a real piece of shit. But How many tickets do you think that would sell? I don't know.

I don't know what Wow. I got a 12 year old. I don't know what kind of a following she has, but 369 fake accounts just to fuck with people. And that's the fucking vibe online. That's my favorite, by the way. It's not harassment, but there's been some celebrities that have been caught creating accounts to defend themselves in conversation. I knew a celebrity. It's happened in sports, conversation. I knew a celebrity.

It's happened in sports too. I knew a celebrity that did that. I think like Durant did that and was like, he called out. He got caught from his own account.

Hey guys, isn't Durant doing really good lately? He's tweeting it. What do you know, Bert? I had a friend who was a celebrity

and was very vocal on Twitter going at people but they had a couple burner accounts where they'd light people up and fucking get into it with other people in there. And when I heard of that, I went, that is such sociopathic behavior. Sick.

I would never have thought of doing that. Right. I was just like, what? It was so beyond me that that would happen. Well, it is a sickness, right? Because you're trying to pretend there's other people that are supporting you. That's a sickness. It's so fucking lame.

So sick. Just give us a name that their name rhymes with. Could you describe them? Is it Ray Moore? No. You have no names for me? I have no names. I have no names.

After the podcast. After the podcast, I'll definitely tell you. If this was nine years ago, we would have said it on the air. Is it Barry? Is it Barry Dimefeld? Barry Dimefeld. If we had that bucket of ice, you could ring that bell, and we'd just get this over with. That's exclusive.

Barry Dimefeld. Chuck Schumer? That's not how it works. You've got to slide it. By the way, that is the greatest technological advance I've ever seen because one of the things I hate is taking my watch off.

And the fact that the battery goes on the watch and charges it in 90 minutes for 5 days is a fucking game changer. It's great. The thing to me that means the best Or it means the most Is the sleep That it monitors your sleep

Shows you deep sleep Let's see Let's see who can That's how we Win the belt Who sleeps the most this month Who sleeps the most I'm in with that

That sounds like a good fun challenge Well who sleeps Who sleeps the most here Who sleeps the most here Out of all of us Probably me Probably Ari now. He's got nothing.

Not me. What's a good night for you, Ari? If I can get eight, I'm good. But I'll sleep until, sometimes I'll sleep like 10. I'll be like, meh. And I'll just go back to sleep. Nice. He doesn't have kids.

He doesn't have... Yeah, that's nice. Nothing to get up for. He's got money. Yeah. Yeah, I don't have to go anywhere to earn anything. Yeah. It comes way later.

It's a nice life. What's that like? Having no responsibilities in life. You're one of my favorite people that has taken success and really done it in a great way. You really bought freedom. Whereas a lot of people buy a lot of shit,

you don't even own a fucking car. Yeah, no reason in New York. We live in New York. So what? I'd have five cars if I lived in New York. It's such'd have five cars for sure i would not have a car there if you got to drive somebody to get a zip car you've never lived in neither of you have ever lived in new york you two homos should get a tent i uh i lived in uh new rochelle and i lived in new rochelle because i couldn't afford no but i couldn't afford to live in manhattan i couldn't

afford a parking spot because i did road oh you had to have oh yeah i did i was a road warrior man all my gigs were on the road i didn't have any driving from there yeah since one time i picked up a tail at the laugh factory and i was like i'm going to the store if you want to ride it was parked right across the street he goes yeah all right and i was like hold on i moved some stuff there was so much fucking shit in my car and he was like road car huh and i'm like no i'm just super messy you know. Gross person. You know when I started living that way?

When I was thinking of moving to New York and Tom was like, fuck, I wish I could move to New York. Yeah. And I was like, why don't you? He was like, I got a wife. I don't know. I can't just move. Yeah, you could just move.

Yeah, and then from then on I was like, I should do shit to make my married friends jealous. I should live in a way that they'll be like, fuck. Otherwise you're not even doing anything. No, you do do a lot of cool shit. Yeah. I should live in a way that they'll be like, fuck. Otherwise, you're not even doing anything. No, you do do a lot of cool shit. Yeah. I'll give you that. You do a lot of cool shit.

Yeah, you're like Chelsea Handler. Yeah. I agree. You're an activist. Yeah. I'm an activist first. And you also believe women are smarter. They're smarter and better.

I bet you two would get along so fucking good. You should marry her. Y'all. We would drink well together. I bet you two would get along so fucking good. Me and Chelsea? Y'all. We would drink well together. I bet. Hard. Yeah. I've always gotten along with her.

I don't deal with her very much. What? I think she's hot. Was that before or after Molly? Both. Listen, I'm sorry I dosed you. I won't ever dose you again. It's once and done for me.

For anybody? Were you going to dose other people? No. He's definitely dosing you. I never thought about it before then. Me? He said he's like, I most definitely ever dose you again. It's once and done for me. For anybody? Are you going to dose other people? No. He's definitely dosing you. I never thought about it before then. Me? He said he's like, I most definitely will dose you. I would have if it was like, if we were doing this podcast yesterday before October started,

then for sure. Yeah. Interesting. Probably just acid though. Do you think there would be a different backlash though? You could just ask me and I would do it. Yeah, that's the thing too. You could have asked me and then I would have said, hey, Ari, now's a bad time, but I would

like to do that with you. We'll do it later. Let me talk to my cardiologist first. Yeah, we'll do it later. We'll go camping. We should do acid on November, whatever it is, when we come back in. Yeah. We're not going to be able to do a return podcast.

Didn't we do mushrooms? Yeah, we did mushrooms together one of the last podcasts. We did a little bit. Yeah, we did do mushrooms. Oh. When Tom's in Europe, it's like the 15th. When do you get back from Europe? I get back. I i get back i'm there

the oh i leave the 14th no i'm not back in la till the 18th damn when do you come back the 10th 11th 12th 13th right before i go to chicago 10th 11th 12th of november yeah huh what are we gonna do we gotta have to we have to have a wrap-up show i mean i i would do it i just i really so 10 classes 500 pages of reading pages you have to read whatever book-up show. I mean, I would do it. I just really want to be back. So 10 classes, 500 pages of reading. Pages. You have to read. Of whatever book. Oh, any book, right?

Any books you want to read? Any book. Any book. Fiction, nonfiction. Yeah, and tell us what you're reading, and then if we're looking for a book, we can read that one, too. What are you guys going to start in on? There's a book about the beginning of 4chan and 2chan.

Oh. There's a 2chan? There's a lot of racism in that book, and 2chan. Oh. There's a 2chan? There's a lot of racism in that book, I bet. Yeah. A lot. A lot. I bet there's all those things. I bet.

Oh, by the way, I still never found a contact at Children's Hospital to give that money to. I've had like a 10 grand sitting in there. Do you realize how unfun this podcast can be for me? Do you realize that this is like, it's the fucking. So touchy. We're a comic. Come on. Take your shirt off.

Maybe you'll feel better. Here, take a shot. There's a whole library of books out there, too, if you guys want to. So many people bring books. Oh, really? Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know.

I'll peruse. There's probably 150 books out there. I want to try some- Probably more, right? From what? Classic literature. I feel kind of like- Steinbeck kind of thing?

Yeah, just stuff that i'm like oh you know i haven't read any of that like i'm gonna i'm gonna jump into something i don't know yeah yeah that's that's a good point well i definitely want to read the madness of the crowds new douglas murray book supposed to be excellent it's all about uh outrage and that's cool yeah so yeah douglas murray's been on my podcast before he was one of the first guys that i ever had on that was like immediately uh demonetized oh really yeah and uh he did a podcast with um with uh sam harris and someone put it on their playlist on their channel and they got cited for community standards because you made a playlist with that

one in there yeah and so i asked this lady at youtube and she goes it's hate speech i go it's hate speech i go the fact that you just said that you're talking about two public intellectuals one of us is a neuroscientist the other one's a gay man from europe who is a public intellectual and you just said it's hate speech is because because he's written about the negative aspects of immigration into Europe. And he wrote a book called The Strange Death of Europe. Is that what it's called? Islam and the Strange, the Slow Death or Strange Death of Europe? So they demonetized him.

But not just that. They cited this person for community standards. And then the woman at youtube that i was speaking to at a fucking party i was just at a party with and a friend of mine who used to be a big executive at google just happened to be there she she brought me to this party and this lady just happened to be there that worked at youtube and i asked her about it and she just flippantly said it's hate speech i'm gonna go you don't know well you didn't listen to that podcast yeah the fact you just say i i know that if it was it's the end all of any conversation you just say that

and that's what she said and she was trying to do that when she was talking to me and i wasn't letting her go and my wife was squeezing my leg it was a super uncomfortable conversation but it makes you realize how arrogant some of these people are that are in these positions of power yeah that are in control of social media and now they're getting a lot of blowback, so they've softened up their tone. But they're still, like, Steven Crowder just had some piece that he did about how much there's shadow banning with his YouTube account.

Like, he's one of those guys, prove me wrong, like Hitler, you know, Hitler was really smart, prove me wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, he takes, like, there's only two genders, prove me wrong wrong and he'll sit down with people at this table

and have these conversations and film them and you know most of the people are not prepared or emotional and emotional and he stays calm and that gets me more freaked out but it's kind of entertaining so anyway someone was looking for one of those. Someone was looking. So they Googled Steven Crowder, prove me wrong. They couldn't find anything in the first 70 fucking videos that were recommended by YouTube. So they've just hidden it. That's literally his video, Steven Crowder, prove me wrong. I got a message that I'm shadow banned on Instagram. They're like, type in your name and you won't come up.

I think more than ever that Instagram just has a really shitty search engine. Oh, okay. No, I talked to an Instagram star about this. They're upset that we are making money off Instagram without using their promotion. They want you to use their promotion. So the fact that we're selling merch through Instagram, we're selling tickets through Instagram, and they're not getting a cut. Wait a minute. How does this fucking person who's an Instagram influencer know this?

That's all they do for their life. But they don't know that. But they're not inside the inner workings of the company and talk to the people that write the algorithms. I bet they don't. I didn't vet it. I just was having a conversation. The more that I look into this,

the more I think they have a really shitty search engine. But it's also possible that someone is preventing certain people from getting found. Like, Andrew Schultz was the first person to point it out. And if you just type in Andrew Schultz and try to find his name, all you could find is all these other accounts. Why is he demonetized? Santino got it, too. He says a lot of crazy shit. Oh, okay.

Because he's a comic. Yeah. If you're a comic and you say crazy shit and someone decides it's offensive and they say, hey, we're going to put Tom Segura on this shadow ban list. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, that's crazy. Well, dude, it's real. It's just their opinion about it.

Shadow banning is real. There's all Project Veritas. There's this guy, James O'Keefe, that's done this undercover investigation. Oh, yeah. He had people talk to Twitter people and Instagram people. And the people that work there, when they're at a bar when they're out they explain they were explaining to some girl how you shadow ban someone how you stop conservative voices so i i had my patreon was like shadow ban right away and i was like that's pretty quick and i emailed them in a calm manner and i

was like hey what's going on i don't show up in search engines and she goes let me look and she goes all right well you've been i see it you've been flagged as having pornography i'm looking you know you just started one there's almost nothing on there it's for sure wrong so i'll take that flag off and now you show up so i'm wondering if some of it's just like a bureaucratic like yeah it just labels you or an asshole fan right because a lot of them just say uh can target you right they could target you and there's no way to say, hey, this was wrong. Can you take that off me? Yeah.

Hey, Ari, you know, spikes people's drinks. He's that kind of guy. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right. Shut up, man. Yeah, it's, it's, it's, what's weird about it is it's so ideologically one-sided. Yeah.

Like, the people are, everyone on the left is kind of free to post whatever the fuck they want, and people on the right. It's interesting, for sure. Because, like, yeah, even if you don't't if you're not conservative you should i mean you should want some type of balance to exist that's the whole idea the justification of it what's going on the other side the justification is all that trump's a terrible president and that the election was terribly you know infuriating and there was a google executive that was talking about it recently there was this really weird interview where they were talking about how deeply upset everyone was at the results of the

election and that they've decided to take steps to try to prevent this their platform from being used for a similar similar result in the future this is a crazy time right now fucking right now this week is nuts man this past few days yeah what do you think about all this impeachment shit in the ukraine shit i mean the the funny thing is it's almost like a perfect highlight of everybody being who they are you know like him going like it's the perfect phone call it's like such a trump line and then he's definitely um you know talking to another president about like he's denying what he did right but then you know, talking to another president about, like, he's denying what he did. Right. But then, you know, there's people who obviously stand, like, stand saying it's not, you know, the conversation was about investigations.

But, you know, he's always been somebody. You got to, I think, separate him from politics. This is a guy who's new to politics, essentially, right? Right. He's always been a guy who bent the rule. Like, he's a rule breaker. Yeah. He doesn't, you know, he's always been someone guy who bent the rule like he's a rule breaker yeah he doesn't you know he's always been someone who's like that shit doesn't apply to me make it happen right and i think that you know what i don't know how far it's going to go but i think the door is open now to like they're really they're really going to investigate that

call then there was a report that maybe the australian pm call uh had a similar thing where he asked him to invest you know to get involved and we haven't seen the readout of that so i don't know i mean i don't know it seems like they went from one we want to impeach for something like right away to another one and it just makes me think like i don't even know yeah it's hard it's hard to get like i think in in the normal sense like if we had gone through a a more stable last couple years as far as like news and stuff this would be groundbreaking holy shit but in the in the scope of what the last few years have been like it still feels like yeah some other crazy i'm sure you're not telling me the whole story yeah yeah i don't i don't know yeah yeah who knows they're saying they're opening the investigation into it but we don't know what really that's

gonna mean yeah it's just annoying to impeach him man things could get really ugly things could get crazy here supporters fuck yeah if you just took their guy out if you just took their guy and just said we voted him in fair and square and you guys just removed him no way but they would he put on his instagram today but try to impeach this and he showed a picture no he showed a picture of the entire country that's mostly red states and a couple of blue which was the result of the election that was trump's post yep yeah what do you think of that of the of the call the with the uh i didn't really listen to it did you listen to it do you look at the, of the call? I didn't really listen to it. Did you listen to it or did you look at the transcript? No, I read the transcript, yeah. I didn't even read the transcript.

I'm going to wait until it gets real. I like to look at these things like, okay, I'll look into this soon. Okay. Because a lot of it feels sensationalized, right? Well, I remember Justin Martindale telling me that Stormy Daniels was going to take him down. This is it. She's Harmonica Lewinsky. They want it so bad.

Yeah. They want that. Nothing. Nothing. Like a duck to water. Just water off his down. This is it. She's Harmonica Lewinsky. They want it so bad. Yeah. They want that. Nothing. Like a duck to water. Just water off his back. Shook it off. Yeah. Kept moving.

But he also, I think he loves this shit, you know? I think he actually, he like will complain about witch hunt shit, but I think he actually. He likes being talked about. It's a game. It's a game for him, you know? I think he enjoys it. Yeah, but the game is try to put a real stink on him when 2020 comes around and he can't win. Right.

That's the game. But stinks don't stick to him. Stinks stick to other people. He what? He'll win the next election. You think so? You think so? Yeah.

I don't think the Democrats have come up with someone that's – they need someone like, no joke, but like The Rock. Someone to be excited about. It's just – the rock could win 100 even if he would be a terrible president and i think he probably would be he seems like a really smart guy might actually be good if he dedicated himself to it based on what talking to him oh you know yeah i was like based on his movies well not just that i mean i've talked to him briefly but reading his stuff that he posts and listen to his little Instagram videos, he's a considerate, interesting, introspective guy. Just works hard, busts his ass, but he's very nice.

He's a good guy. You know, and I mean, I don't know if that's enough to be president, but I don't think anybody should be president. I really don't. But once we're down to a popularity contest, at least I think he would be a fair and equitable person it might just go to straight to popularity contest so no more politicians can win well it might go like that if we all kardashian well kanye if someone really decided someone really famous not just trump but someone else decided like especially a famous comic decided to run for president he would be fucked because he's so easy to make fun of and all those fucking dolts don't know how to do it yeah and so he he shits

on them and all the the people that never had like the thing about him is he's the first asshole president like openly an asshole and there's so many guys out there that are assholes that want to support another asshole yeah they're like finally one of us you know yeah you remember i remember there's a scene where ted cruz was giving some speech and there was a guy with sunglasses on who was uh tell him quit you're never gonna win you're never gonna win trump's gonna be president and he's in his face and ted cruz is trying to talk to him in his bullshit politician way but this guy's like fuck you yeah because he's he's an asshole right yeah exactly and he wants to be able to do that to Ted Cruz. And Ted Cruz didn't know what the fuck to do.

Right. And I was like, oh, he doesn't know how to handle this. Right. He's never been heckled. Right, right. Never a real heckler. Whereas Trump is like, fuck you, like right back to your face. Yeah.

I think if a real, like if Oprah ran, I think she'd win. Yeah. I think if someone. That's what we've entered into. We're like, now we don't want anyone with any expertise. Yeah. We just want popular. Well, I mean, if someone like Obama's what we've entered into. We're like, now we don't want anyone with any expertise. Yeah. We just want popular. Well, I mean, if someone like Obama ran, he would fucking win.

But you have to – he's a unicorn. Like someone who's that articulate and charismatic, you get like a Bill Clinton, you get like a Obama. Those are rare people that are that good at talking and also have a good record and know know how to fucking rile a crowd up there's not a lot of those joe biden certainly isn't one of them he looks like man walking dead and he also notably slipped like every time he talks you're like you can see that it's taking a while to put together you know i mean like when an older guy takes a minute to put something together he's old as fuck and he's not. Yeah, he does. He's always tired. You can't be tired and run for president.

And then you got that Pete Buttigiegigigigigig guy. That guy can't even run his own fucking city. They're all pissed at him. You know, it's the people in his own city. There was a murderer. A cop murdered somebody, and everybody was going crazy. I'm like, what are you doing? You're not even here.

You're out there running for president. Yeah. All your fucking time should be running your goddamn city and instead you're on tv every day doing these debates you're not paying attention to the fucking city there's no way you can it's one of the rare jobs you could it's fucking all encompassing yeah if you run you should have someone else run but it's one of the rare jobs where it requires so much energy to pursue and yet people pursue it while they have other jobs that they're being paid for with taxpayer dollars yeah you should give up being a senator you should get an interim leader while you're running for

president hundred percent and maybe you should have to fucking earn it back like who knows maybe the new senator is better and maybe he doesn't want to be president maybe not with this that polling changes all the time but isn't like the top three still is it's like it's a mix of like biden warren sanders right it's always like those three yep those are the three that everybody wants to win i'm always fascinated by that person who like at this point six months in or something and they're at 0.01 they're like we're doing another fundraising campaign tonight like yeah you're not winning dude i wish i had a little bit of that in my personality. I can still do it.

Wait a minute, you do have that. That's why you thought you were going to win Sober October last year. That's true, though. You were saying you were going to win. Three days out. I feel like there's a trigger for you. That's the thing. Somebody goes, you're definitely not going to win.

Then you go, I'm going to fuck it. I had fun with that. I thought it was fun. I didn't think that when you started throwing up numbers, I was like, there's no way. I'm catching Joe, but I'm still making videos going, Joe, I'll double whatever you do. And I just thought it was fun. It was fun. It for sure was fun.

I didn't think it was fun. I know you didn't. It was horrible, but it was still fun. It was was fun. I didn't think it was fun. I know you didn't. It was horrible, but it was still fun. It was definitely fun. It was fun when you see your place change in the ratings. I didn't think you would do anything. I definitely thought you would. How do we decide?

Are we going to get a champ this year? I thought Ari was going to be a real problem because I know Ari. Really? Ari is psychotically competitive. But only when I challenge it. I got to have entered in. I guess I did. That's a good question, though. Is there a way to win or lose this year? It kind of i gotta have entered in i guess i did that's a good question though is there a way to win or lose this year it kind of feels like there's

not really doesn't seem like there is no the problem with a way to win or lose is it's going to become a competition again and everyone's going to go fucking crazy yeah and we're going to spend too much time doing it that's the real problem the real problem is time constraints like the funnest year for me well last, last year was fun, but it was too crazy. But the year before that was the yoga thing was easy. In terms of it was hard to do. You put time in. That was a good time. It was fun.

I thought yoga was the best one we've done because we all did it together. Tom and I went to almost every class together. We all went together. It was fun. When we all showed up in Encino and pulled into that place, we were all laughing. We had a good time. Tom had a Lamborghini. I got a Lambo that year. It was fun. Yeah, when we all showed up in Encino and pulled into that place, we were all laughing. We had a good time. Tom had a Lamborghini.

I got a Lambo that year. It was a good year, man. That's right. You mentioned the Lambo. The jealousy on Bert's face. He was like, there's no jealousy. It was me going, who are you? Yeah, what the fuck happened to my friend?

Why can't I get a Lambo? Isn't that what I said? I pulled away. Jesus. And it's a white one, too. And I heard you go like, who is you? Who are you? I was like, what happened to you?

Yeah, that was fun. That was a lot of fun. That was a good time. That was a good time. So these classes will be something. Yeah. Yeah, that'll be fun. If we're still doing this.

Yeah. Well, you think you're not. You're not. Would you rather not? What do you want to do? I'd ring that bell, dude. Let's just get fucking drunk as fuck this October. I can call Jeff in with a bucket of ice.

I mean, we're in a... You know what we could do? We could get super fucked up and then still have to do these challenges. Yeah, we could do that. No one's beating me there. Go to the tactical. We could do that. You got to do classes drunk.

Jiu-Jitsu drunk. Well, I wouldn't do that, but I've done Jiu-Jitsu high many, many, many times. Oh, yeah. It's great high. Everything's so slow. Is it good? Yeah. Slows it down for you?

You can tell what's happening. You have a feel for things. Sort of like pool. You're better at pool when you're high, too. Things that we have a feel for things. Do you get high to do arena shows now? Sure. You do?

Yep. Wow. Just a toke or what? Nope. Oh, you get ripped? Blast off. Really off really yep and you go up there fucking rip no shit i get excited you say that yeah with chappelle for sure that was the biggest show i've ever he gets high we got blasted how many people got 25 000 wow and you

got high as fuck high as fuck we broke the attendance record for the Tacoma Dome. We were both lit. The next day, what was crazy about him is he really goes rock star style. We fly in a private jet. We land, and you get in a tour bus. Not a limo. Tour bus. And he's on the phone with John Mayer. They're talking about the benefits of the tour bus versus a limo.

A car service picking you up. Versus a car service. So the tour bus takes you to the hotel 10 minute drive tour bus um and then once we get there then we go into dave's room and he's got all the fucking ivs set up they got a doctor there or nurses there that are administering ivs to us they're giving you glutathione which helps you process helps you process the alcohol see what i find you made you discover? I did. B12 shot in the butt.

I had IV people come right up to my tour bus in front of my show in KC. So I was like fucking shaking. And they gave it to me and I felt amazing. And then I was like, and then I started getting jumpy. Too good. A little too excited. A little too good. And I was like, oh, fuck it.

The yellow. Yeah, really reinvigorates you, man. Vitamin drip. Vitamin drip. Vitamin drip IV. Not Molly. I got sick and tried to do it. The thing is, if you're already sick, it's too late. Really?

Yeah, yeah. If you're sick, if you're starting to feel like, oh, man, I might be sick tomorrow. I think you have a chance. Then you get the drip. But the B12 shot, even when I was sick, gave me a nice boost for the night. Gives you a little boost, yeah. I got it like three hours before the shot. You know, it's hard to get that without the shot.

You know, if you take the, there's a liposomal B12 that you can take, that you put under your tongue and shit. Yeah. It's okay. It's pretty good. It's not as good. Not the shot. Yeah.

The shot's the way to go. Yeah, the shot's the way to go. The real way to go is to make sure you always have heavy nutrient levels in your body. Always. Always take multivitamins. Always make sure you get a balanced diet. Then you can party a little more and you got a little more leeway. You can bounce back easier. It's the people

that eat like shit and then they don't... Do you have diarrhea? We did a podcast for this. We drank a lot of water. And booze. What? I can't believe he dosed you. Are still pissed about it i'm not pissed i mean i'm it just it's it triggers things in my head yeah and and it bums me out that it's a close friend because it's like a lack of trust you know what's weird is how like laughy he is about it i think he does i think part of that

though is because he knows dude i think he's i think he is about it. I think part of that, though, is because he knows, dude. I think he knows he fucked up. I think when I told him, I said, hey, man, what if this counteracts with my medicine? He was like, I didn't think about that. And I was like, oh. Yeah. Yeah. I think he knows.

I think he knows. What kind of shit do you want? Lusartan and amilinapine. And this is all from. I almost got taken off it. Yeah? And this last, I went back to the doctor, and he from... I almost got taken off it. Yeah? And this last... I went back to the doctor

and he's like, your blood pressure is perfect. Yeah? And he was like, you know, the goal is to get you to a healthy weight and get you off

your blood pressure medicine. Is there a target weight or no? I'd like to be 205. What did you do when you got down to the challenge? 215.

215 was the lightest I got after the weight challenge. But that was dehydrated, right? That was dehydrated. No, no, no. 215 was... lightest I got after the weight challenge. But that was dehydrated, right? That was dehydrated. No, no, no. 215 was when we did the weight loss challenge, I kept losing weight and I got down to 215. Oh, after? Yeah. And so I would like to be... If I could get down to 215 at the end of this one,

I would love to do 205. I think I'd still... I'm still not going to be in shape. At 205, I'm still almost obese. But no, that's middle, middle weight. What was your obese? 224 before? How tall are you?

6'1". 6'1"? 205 is pretty lean, dude. Yeah, I would like that. Yeah. You can get there. Yeah. I think this month I'll be interested to see how much weight I lose because I'm already

265. On a weight loss. Nope. 300. Nope. You're 412. How much do you weigh? Can you weigh yourself? Right now,? Nope. 305? Nope. You're 412? How much do you weigh? Can you weigh yourself on regular scales?

237? 237? Yeah. Come on, man. If I bust out a scale right now, it says 237? Really? Probably not. No, because it's later in the day.

I haven't weighed myself since I got back off the tour. This is grade six. But yeah, I'd like to get down. How much are you weighing? 233? Really? Yeah. How much are you weighing? To 33. Really? Yeah. How often do you tour?

How often do you tour? Every fucking week. Every fucking week. Every fucking week. Didn't you make some wacky deal where you kind of have to be on the road constantly? Nope. I made a deal, but I don't have to do whatever I want to do. Dude, his tour bus is amazing.

Amazing. It's so much. It's so nice on there. It's great. my god and so when you go on tour you essentially just take that bus from town to town it's awesome and that's how you do it from now on yeah it's great because i was talking to sturgill and his band yesterday they were in here and he was saying that he would rather be on a bus for three days than go to an airport i understand that.

Me too. He's like, the bus is home. Yeah, I understand that. He goes, the bus is home. It's all comfortable in there. They're all buddies. They're all hanging out. It's a good time.

How much fun was it? We got done the show. We get on the tour bus. It starts raining. Everyone's in there drinking. We're all talking. We're talking shit about comics. You can watch shit on the fucking TV.

You can sit around. There's different areas to sit in. I got to watch Netflix, right? Yeah. I got Tim Dillon on the road with me this this week that's smart to get a sober guy for this month fun guy that like tim my bus driver's fucking hilarious my tour manager's my cousin and tim's a good sober guy because he seems like a drunk right yeah fun of a drunk seems like a raging interesting that he's seen does seem like a drunk but he's not like that megan mccain thing you would think that has to be done by a guy who's on a lot of drugs yeah he's really funny i won't fuck you i only fuck daddy

that meghan mccain bit is fucking crazy yeah well i like he's also like super i've seen his like twitter it's like just super opinionated which is fun oh yeah it's fun to see well he to me he had the very best take of a lot of people that were attacking louis and that they're really mediocre comedians who didn't like the fact that louis was brilliant and they're coming up with all these reasons why they hate him on top of what he did especially a certain camp of comedians yeah really really embrace that which is like because louis always had his feet planted both amazingly and all mainstream and perfectly like everybody in both was like that's the guy yeah but when the the alt camp really came after him much hard

because those are the little virtue signaling and those were the ones who were like oh the king is done yeah oh he's so brilliant. You thought he was brilliant, though. Those are the ones who also said, you can't do rape jokes unless you're Louis. He does it good. They were always saying that he's their exception for that. LOL. What he's doing is really interesting.

He's just traveling around, and he's just doing clubs. I'm fascinated by what the draw is if he were to announce the big venue because i know like having traveled a lot this year and doing these it makes me think that he would be at like at least 75 percent of what his draw was i think i really at least yeah i think it'd be higher there's an excitement i don't think he lost anybody There's an excitement to it now Where it's like

Before it was like He'll be back next year And now it's like We don't know where he was He gained more Yeah yeah He lost he gained But it's at the clubs right now

So it's like I want to see the Like But maybe he's just decided To just do this And make a good living Traveling around doing clubs Sure

And never do a special again Maybe he just enjoys doing stand-up. I don't know. I don't know either. Well, there's, I feel like I noticed different types of comics.

There's comics that like to live in LA and do spots in LA and not get out. And I don't think Louis is that guy. I think Louis likes being on the road. I think he likes the road.

You know, the road's so different than LA and New York. Yeah, it is. It's also, you know, it's all his fans that are coming to see him. Yeah.

I mean. It's also fun in New York. He did a lot of spots in New York. Or he did, anyway. Does he do them now? Not really anymore. Because they were videotaping everything he said. That's such a problem now, is people videotape.

A lot of our clubs. Everything I'm doing, they're just videotaping the entire thing. Well, have you thought about using those Yonder bags? I have not because, I don't know, I think it's just a pain in the ass. What are you going to do, fight? We did it at the Chappelle show. 25,000 fucking people. 25,000 bags. Yeah, they had a ton of people.

We did it also on the next night. How long does it take to get them out? It takes a while. It takes a while. But the thing is, Yonder, they know how to do it. Salt Lake out takes a while yeah takes a while but if you're you know the thing is Yonder they know how to do it

the Tacoma show was the biggest show they'd ever handled before you know what's nice after a show like that as soon as it ends nobody's going on their phone they're all talking to each other

about what they just saw you know they're not disappearing I did it leading up to my Netflix special too I did it for a few months I did it for three shows

how was it what did you think what did it cost what did it cost you we'll talk about it afterwards it's not cheap it's not cheap until cost a little bit of money because right now i'm getting ready for my netflix special and what i realized is like some like you you still got to take chances even though you're in a theater you're still gonna have to roll the dice and take chances and write new material because you haven't really gotten it yet and i hate that people are recording me taking chances yeah like and like trying to figure things out and i go don't put that on

youtube it's not done yet like i want to tell you when it's done yeah i can pay attention quick even if you're just using it for yourself just pay attention watch it in the room you know what's the best and but by best i mean the worst was Miami. Because when I used the yonder bags in Miami, where I was at the Jackie Gleason Theater, these motherfuckers, they would get up constantly to go outside to make phone calls and then come back. So the crowd, instead of everybody sitting down focused, was just people constantly getting up and leaving.

Because they had to use it. And then coming back, because they had to use it. So to go outside, they had to go outside to use it and then to come back. It was the one city. Super distracting. I've always said if you want to starve to death open up a bookstore in miami it's the dumbest fucking party place on earth that's the spot yeah and that one it was so clear watching the audience just get up and leave you haven't been to fort myers oh yeah that's bad too i'll be there next week. Miami's particularly party-y though.

It's a different vibe. It's a different vibe. It's Coke. It's a Coke vibe. Yes, it's a Coke vibe. And it's also an all night, you know, all night, all the time. You can get good food in Miami at three in the morning. Absolutely.

No questions asked. Also when the bar's closed. No one thinks it's weird that you're looking for it either. You're like, can I get dinner now at 3 a.m.? They're like, yeah, there's like 12 restaurants right here. When the bar's closed, you're like, I just got this drink. They just put it in a paper cup, like, go. Yeah. Like, all right. Okay. Yeah. it's the sun comes up kind of place for sure it's it's an interesting place it's not my favorite but i

know but i like going there because it makes me really feel like i'm in another country looks like i'm doing stand up in costa rica you are basically you are they're wild people there's so much dancing and the streets are filled with people. Miami's Latin America, man. Yeah. Lively. Everyone's lively. A lot of Lambos.

A lot of Tom Segura cars driving around. Yeah. Jewelry. A lot of fucking crazy clothes. Do you ever see yourself in a flossy car? Nah. I don't care about cars, really. Really?

Really. But you have that beautiful BMW. You showed me that thing. You were very proud of it. How can you say you don't care about cars? No, I like it. I like it, but I don't really give a... I'm not a car guy.

What's your stuff indulgence? What's your stuff? Yeah, what are you going to tell me? It's not cars. Like, what would you... I don't think... I think... I don't know.

I'm not that indulgent. No? Like, financially, I don't really care about jewelry too much. I have a necklace my grandmother gave me. I don't really care about stuff like that. You like watches. Yeah, but I don't really care about jewelry too much. I have a necklace my grandmother gave me. I don't really care about stuff like that. You like watches. Yeah, but I don't really care. I stopped wearing my Rolex because I just thought it was too flashy, and I thought I'd get robbed.

So I was like, eh, fucking everyone. What is that watch you're wearing? This is just for my running. Oh, it's a one-man garments? Yeah. You're on stage in front of fucking 2,800 people, and then you go, hey, let's go out to a bar after this, and then you got $50,000 on your wrist. Yeah, it's a little weird.

It's just kind of- $50,000? No, what kind of Rolex are you wearing? It's a presidential rose gold. Damn. You should go- You're like, I don't really like watch- It was a present.

It was a present. No, it was a present. I didn't buy it. You should go straight Tracy Morgan, just giant fucking gold ropes. Yeah. Big fat gold ropes, and maybe a giant dollar bill sign. I get anxiety when I hear about you guys spending money. Like something.

When you got this place, I got anxiety for you. Because I go like, I know you got a lot of money, but I go, but aren't you afraid you're going to run out? That's how I am with money. I don't have a hard time spending it. Well, some people are famine thinkers. Yeah. But I think,'s how I am with money. I don't have a hard time spending it. Well, some people are famine thinkers. Yeah. But I think, yeah, I think I do.

And it's like when you got the Lambo, I got scared for you because I was like, why would you do that? I was trying to get them to buy it for real. Yeah, but you like spending money. Yeah, you do like spending money. You like spending money. I enjoy it. Yeah, I grew up poor.

I like having money. I don't think you should have money if you're not going to spend it. I just don't agree with that. But there's not a part of your comic brain that goes this can all be taken away oh fuck that that's i got a different brain than you yeah my brain doesn't work i work every fucking weekend because i go i i want to get the material sharp i want to get ready for the special i want to make as much money as while the sun shines make hay while the sun shines dude you're gonna be fine Yeah, I get to me more often and stay off the Molly this guy. Yeah, that's at the Molly all the time Yeah, it's too much

So he doesn't feel bad to spend all his money on cars and shit You know It's so crazy that how what a character I've become now that I'm not even a real human anymore. That was Kennison's problem. He became a character. Yeah. Kennison even talked about it in Hunter S. Thompson, the same issue. As he got famous for being this wild man.

And people that knew Hunter would say that when the cameras were off, he was a different guy. But when he knew that the cameras were there, he would all of a sudden take on this character and they'd like you know there's a do you know that um band beardy man fitzsimmons and i were reading off hunter s thompson's daily routine oh yeah yeah yeah's great. We were reading it off, and Beardy Man turned it into a video. Turned it into a song, and then turned it into this crazy video. Oh, yes. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. I saw a clip of this. Apparently, he didn't really live like that every day. It was just like when someone was there watching him there, he was just like, I'm just going to do Coke and drink all day. I'm going to wake up at four in the afternoon, and I'm going to eat fucking Cheetos and Doritos and enchiladas. And be like, this is my routine. And drink margaritas.

And 6 a.m. in the hot tub went champagne. And that's what he would do. And he would write at midnight. So he had this reporter there, and he's doing all these hard, hard drugs up until midnight. And at midnight, he started writing. So he writes until 6 a.m he writes till 6 a.m. And then 6 a.m.

That's so cool. Yeah, see, I knew Ari would like it. That's cool. But when you're that guy, like, Kennison said they would just lay out lines of coke for him. Like, oh, it's him! It's him! Here, fucking do this for me!

That is kind of what you go through. Dude, you have no fucking idea. Oh, yeah. Everyone wants to drink with you. When I just, I don't bring, like, I'll bring a drink on stage and I'll drink, have my drink. If I'm doing one show, I'll have it when I tell the machine story. But if I just have, like, a soda and I just take a big sip, they go fucking nuts. And it's hard because, it's hard because I do like drinking.

So, like, when people are like, hey, can I buy you a drink? Yeah. And I'm like, all right. And you're like, well, fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. I get it. And no one had, like, when I told everyone I already slipped Molly on stage, they just cheer, you're the machine.

And you're like, oh, I'm also a fucking dad. A great dad. But I don't even know. Like, I remember hearing about Amy and Sarah when they got in trouble for the jokes they made going, that's a character I do. And I can't wrap my head around a difference between who i am on stage who i am off stage like i'm the same person so like i i can't understand being a character even though you know what i mean i

know what you're saying i can't understand that either i'm basically an exaggerated version of me on stage that is yeah exactly because i find the funniest yeah the finest funniest ways i'm looking at life but they're all ways i've actually looked at life i've never said anything on stage where i'm like i've never seen it that way not my perspective but i'm gonna take on this perspective in order to get these people to laugh at me i hate that shit i hate what comics do that i'm like you don't believe that just change the joke up yeah or take Or take the high road and try to write the fucking joke the way you want it to sound. Unless it's something's fucked up to say that you got to know that I don't really think that. I will say that.

Yeah, you're saying that to piss people off. And I'll say, guess what? I don't even fucking think that. I just think it's funny. Ha ha. No, what about you on the podcast? I don't really feel. How much of you on the podcast is who you are off the podcast?

Oh my God. It's like 100% of me on the podcast. who you are off oh my god it's like 100 of me on the podcast i've been doing it for so long i don't think i would know how to fake being someone else no but no but i mean like but that's also it wouldn't work like this the one of the reasons why this podcast works is because it seems like a hang like you guys know me this is me yeah you know yeah this is it yeah yeah yeah does if you if that wasn't case, but it also makes it so much easier. Can you imagine if you had a character that you were doing on a podcast, and you have to keep that character up all the time?

Oh, yeah. Like, for me, that's one of the reasons why it's so easy to do the UFC and so easy even to do stand-up. It's like I'm live all the time. Yeah. The idea of someone watching you is easy. It's normal. Like, when i do

those ufc broadcasts and you know if i'm doing a pay-per-view millions of people watching this it's a fucking hugely important thing we don't even rehearse i don't even know what they're gonna ask me yeah that's really crazy no idea i've no idea and that's how i've always done it but i know what's happening i know who the fighters are i know what's going down but but that's because i'm a fan so when john Anik turns to me and he's like, you know, in this light heavyweight title fight, you know, blah, blah, blah, John Jones. And I'll just start going off. I just start talking about it. But it's because of this.

Because I do this so often. I feel like other sports broadcasters do so much more prep. So much more work. I know. Oh, yeah. For sure. They all study their binders for like five days well i do study fights but i study fights because i'm interested that's what i'm saying

you saw the fight yeah i just happened to be a fan yeah so it's easy like if i was doing basketball i'd have to really pay attention to the teams really pay attention to who's playing who and what the implications are for fighting i know it. I pay attention to it constantly. So when something's happening, I'm excited about this. I only know comedy like that. There's only one thing I know, and it's comedy. That's the only thing I have any expertise in at all because I don't know anything about anything.

Well, I think that's one of the good things about being not so good at something. It's like something that you get excited about. I think it helps to other things. I think archery and bow hunting about i think it helps to other things like i think archery like and bow hunting i think it helps my comedy and i think it helps podcasting and it helped because it's something that i'm learning how to do so it's something you're excited about yeah because it requires a lot of work requires a lot of thinking and it's it's a very um absolute thing where you can't fuck it up it It has to be done correctly. It's like,

there's a lot of work that has to go into it. You can't fake the work. I don't know if I could get into anything without comedy being the purpose that I'm there. Like, if I got into R3, I'd be like,

this is to write a bit about. Do you have hobbies outside of comedy? No. Working out. I never understood when people say they have hobbies. I can never wrap my head around that i go yet making videos

no but i don't even really i only run to try to be healthy i don't enjoy it if i were like i don't have any hobbies what about you tom yeah i don't know i mean i've i've actually always been that have that thing where i'm like man i wish i had more hobbies and then i'll the way that i kind of talk myself down from the criticism is like well i just have a very busy life you know i have kids i have a wife i have the podcasting i have touring it's like kids are kind of a hobby too though yeah no but there's just a lot going on i like certain things like i've gone to a couple tracks to drive and i really love it but it's fucking. But it's fucking, you know. That's a lot of time.

They're not here. They're not, like, in proper LAs. You've got to go to them. You can't do it once a week. Well, isn't there a Porsche driving experience? Yeah, it's fantastic. Yeah? It's great, yeah.

And so is, I went to M school. We could do that. That was really fun, too. That could be one of our things we do for class. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. For sure. For sure.

That'd be crazy. Let's go, boys. It's really fun. Let's do it. Do you, are you allowed to use your own car Or do you have to use their car No Use their

Now there's a Like in So basically At the Porsche Driving experience They have one in Atlanta They have the one here You sign up

For A certain thing For that day So it's like Turbos GT3 You want to do Master the manual

You pick a class And then like That's your car For the Experience right Then they have different tracks They have a bowl They have a slip You want to master the manual. You pick a class, and then that's your car for the experience, right? Then they have different tracks. They have a bowl. They have a slip disc kind of thing where the ground moves.

Oh, yeah. You have amazing – if you want to feel like you can't drive, you get in the car with – they're pro drivers. And you're like, yeah, I know how to drive. And they're like, check out this shit. You're like, yeah, I don't know how to drive. I've only been doing it for like 25 years. And you're like yeah i don't know how to drive i've only been doing it for like 25 years and you're like i don't know how to drive because they're fucking amazing drivers yeah and then m school is like bmw's thing it's out and like towards coachella that's fucking so fun and you get m2s m3s and

m5s on different courses what we should do what we should do is to keep the competition alive but not make us go crazy about it. Go for time? Is do like three activities like a driving, a shooting or three different activities that none of us have previous experience in and just straight competition.

See who's the best. But the driving part, you're going to be hampered by your weight. Yeah. It's a lot of weight you get an extra four or five hundred pounds in that front seat yeah that's a big difference that's off the tour what are you doing me or tom kirth we could certainly do something like that you know we could also do something like that where i mean we're doing this sober october right this is our october yeah unless you have alcohol you want to bring in we could we could break this up and we could do it another time too like we don't have to do this just once a month or once a year rather

we can do something else like look this but it's one of the most fun things we do we could do on top of being sober we can do another thing on another month where it's just a racing month that you don't have to be sober at all i like fishing i like that you can do a fishing month yeah the race thing you'll love dude fucking racing i gotta find a track somewhere the fascinating thing is like when i don't have that i don't have that race trigger no oh you say that i don't once you're in this feel it i've traveled you know i've raced cars yeah and i know it just i what the thing that gives like maybe you two where you get confident behind the wheel i start getting

nervous going it's gonna flip it's gonna flip right right right well if you believe if you believe the instructor because they're they're so good, and they tell you, like, no, no, no, like, hit the throttle up to this point. Where you go, that's way too late to be hitting the brake. And they're like, let me show you how to. And you actually see it. Then you start to get the confidence to follow the instruction. Well, Burks, you're going to panic when you realize how long 500 words is or 500 pages is. Dude, when you said 500 pages i panicked already 500 pages that's

like two red-sized books you can't read a bullshit book that's probably that's what i couldn't read this that book will be a real shit of just words that don't mean anything to me how much is that i'm saying that's something the quantum worlds of the emergence of space do you realize i would be like i bet i couldn't understand the first sentence. How many pages? How many pages? I listened to that book on audio and I had to go back over it multiple times. Yeah, that's heady.

Fuck. It's not just heady. You need less hobbies, maybe. Yeah. You do too much shit, man. I'm like, I get tired of thinking. Yeah, but I'm a different kind of- 315.

How close was I? Pretty good. Thank you. I'm a different kind of crazy, though. How close was I? Pretty good. Thank you. I'm a different kind of crazy, though. My kind of crazy needs other things. Thinking about two quid bits, one belonging to Alice and the other being Bob, I don't even know what a quid bit is. I'm lost.

Yeah. I'm trying to explain it to you. I mean, I can't... I look at your schedule and it gives me panic. I have to piss. Speaking of panic, you guys talk amongst yourselves. Maybe take your drink with you. Yeah, we'll Bill Cosby over here here i didn't take advantage of you afterwards yeah we should have another month just a straight reading challenge

yeah reading challenge just for a month all right what are the odds joe goes back and listens to this yeah let's all just trash him for like fucking like oh he's just playing in there oh you shouldn't have told me i told i told i told my bus driver great guy man i told my bus driver that tim dylan's gay and because i was like because you're gonna meet him and you're not gonna know and my bus driver's a little crass. So I was like, I don't want, you know, I'm just giving you a heads up

and both Dave Williamson and Andrew, my cousin, the bus driver leaves and he goes, that's fucking a good prank. I go, what?

And they're like telling someone that he's gay when he's not gay. I go, no, he really is gay and they're like, oh, for real?

We found out we could shit on my bus. You just found that out? Is it a new bus? It's a grinder. Yeah, yeah. If you get a grinder, you can shit on the bus. just found that out? Is it a new bus? It's a grinder You got a grinder You can shit on the bus It grinds up the shit And puts it out

Dude The whole thing It's amazing It's a game changer for the week When you can't shit on the bus Yeah you have to stop somewhere Dude also What ends up happening is

You have two shows You eat dinner at midnight And you're like Alright let's go to bed And then you have like A fucking 4am shit In the middle of the night Dude Dude first thing in the morning you have hot wings at night 40 minutes you know while you find a bathroom leanne leanne we're driving through the canadian

rockies and leanne pops up this is like her first day on the bus and she's like um hey where are the wipes at i'm like what do you mean she goes i'm gonna go take a dump and i was like no you're not all the shit on the bus she goes oh i'm shitting right now like i'm about to shit it's coming out like i'm going right now. And I said, no, no, you can't.

You got to go ask the driver to pull over. We go out and it's just mountains everywhere. And he's like, I don't know what to tell you. And when I'm like, you're going to be shitting on the side of the road into the snow. We found a fucking rest stop at the lag. I go,

what? That's a rest stop right there. Pulled over. So fucking beautiful. So beautiful. Yeah. That's the other thing about the tour bus is you see the country you do

when you can shit though it changes your entire week can you imagine how much fun it would have been if when you guys were touring with Joe you guys had a tour bus that would be freaking fun

you guys would have had the best times of your fucking lives yeah I'll show you a video of my bus after this do you think your bus is better than Bert's

without question hers was amazing no no no I'm the tour bus is better than Bert's? Without question. No. Hers was amazing. No, no, no. I'm the tour bus champ. There's no question about that. He can have it. I gotta see yours.

This bus is 10 times better. 10 times better than that great bus? It's the most state-of-the-art bus you can get. So if it's not that, then it's...

Don't you have J-Lo's bus? I did, yeah. You did have J-Lo's bus? Do you wrap it? Fuck no. No, it's the dumbest thing in the world to wrap your bus

you think I would wrap my bus I was a girl I always wrap my bus with Tom I saw his bus on the outside of my hotel

in Madison and I went in there I'm like oh well I mean obviously it's his I'm with Adrian and I'm just like I knocked on the window

nothing and then I just like opened the door and just walked in yeah and then like Dave opened it's like oh

I'm like hi my name's Ari I'm a comedian then like Dave, it's like, Oh, I'm like, hi, I'm, my name is Ari. I'm a comedian. I know Bert. And he's like, I'm back there.

I just walked straight onto his bus. Jesus. That was fun. It's so funny to see people. Cause Ari is a heightened version of Ari's in the, in the, in the atmosphere. Yeah.

People hear stories about Ari, like him drugging people or whatever. Yeah. And so rapist, you know or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so. Rapist, yeah. Rapist, you know. Therapist.

And so Dave met Ari for the first time. And you know, Ari's a very quiet person. Yeah. In real life, people don't know that. And you're like, he's not. And he was like, what the fuck? He's not that fucking. Crazy.

Savage that I hear about. Just in moments. By the way, by the way, for the bus thing though, just so you know, I also at one point had the biggest piece of shit bus. Really? Yeah.

Fuck this. Oh. What? Fuck this. Fuck this. Do you like how I just automatically went for my glass? So bombs October. We're not...

With... What are we doing? We got... Gas money got ice. With. What are we doing? We got. Gas money garage. Shot glasses. Lighting a fire to Sober October. I don't know. Oh my gosh.

What are we doing? I don't know. You bringing the bell? It's all right there. The temptation. Oh, you want the temptation. You can start clanging. We got ice.

We got shot glasses. Bird. What do you want to do? Are you? What are you going to do? I'm going to just put some ice in the glass. Put some ice in the glass. Oh, my God. Ring that bell.

You can ring that bell right now. I'll just have it in front of me. Pour it in. Pour it in and smell it. Dan Aykroyd gave us a massive speech on how good that vodka is. That's his, huh? Yeah, smell it, smell it. Let me see it.

All right, if you take a little sip, I'm not going to be mad at you. Damn, it smells better than Tito's. Does it? It's very good vodka. He explained this process. They use diamonds. They actually have some sort of fucking diamonds That they use to filter it

Let Bert smell it Just have some in front of you We could all just We could still do this challenge stuff Yeah we could be sober for most of October Sober for January Ease it up a little bit Smells good right

It does Dan Aykroyd gave me a hell of a sales pitch Really Like a day limit on it? Ease it up a little bit. That smells good, right? It smells good. It does. It's very good. It smells good. Dan Aykroyd gave me a hell of a sales pitch. Really? Yeah, he did. Holy fucking shit. Right?

He's someone I can't imagine doing coke with that guy. Right. He talks. He talks. Very good talker. Yeah. You've had some good podcasts lately. Thank you.

He believes a lot of nonsense. He does? Oh, my God. Everything. Channelers, psychics, fucking you name it. All right. He believes a lot of nonsense. He does? Oh my god, everything. Channelers, psychics, you name it. Alright, pull the trigger. Whatever. He doesn't there's not a goddamn thing.

Let's all pour a glass. And we'll all put it to our lips and we'll see if anyone opens their mouth. And what happens when they do? The month is over? Is the month is over? No. Can't you just keep going? Yeah, you want to? Can I have a little sip?

Have a sip. Is this what we're doing on the first? This is more than 30 days left right now. Yeah, there's 30 and one. If we're going by the Mayan calendar, I don't think it's already over. We're all dead. December 21st, 2012. Does that kombucha have alcohol in it?

Yeah, I'm already breaking the law. Look, 2012. Does that kombucha have alcohol in it? Yeah. I'm already breaking the law. Hey, can I? Look, man. Since the challenge isn't as intense, does the sobriety really matter? What are we even doing with sobriety anymore? We're calling it sober October. So? So Bob's October. Listen, the problem is Ari and I already got high earlier.

We were smoking cigars, and we both got a buzz. No doubt about it. So it's over. The sober part. I think Ari and I cheated. I think it should be over. That's a... I feel like we did it wrong.

I'm going to Europe. How about... You're going to Europe? Why would you do that sober? How about with every drink you take, you have to do an additional class? Ooh. I love this. Oh, my God.

My dick just got hard. I'm going to get a fucking black belt in jujitsu. Every drink is a class. A 30-day black belt. 30 days. Wait, so we got to have someone. No, Bernal come in November 1st. He was like, I did 126 classes.

Every drink is a class. I'm going to be fucking ripped. I can't November 1st. He was like, I did 126 classes. Every drink is a class. I'm going to be fucking ripped. I can't straighten my arms. I'll be fucking, I want to tell you about quid bits. Are we really doing this? Every drink is a class. You can start from zero with that. Every drink is a class.

Every drink is an extra class. Every drink is a class. I'm definitely going to have more than 10 drinks. I'm going to have 10 classes. No, no. One night is going to fuck me. You have 10 classes that you owe, period. Then, if you drink, every drink is an additional class.

Wait, is it just every drink? So if you have three drinks in a night, you owe three more classes. So you have to do 13 classes? Yes. That's impossible. You'll never be able to get that many. And a drink has to be a legit drink. It can't be like, oh, I just have a fucking beer stein full of Tito's.

It's my drink. That's't be like, oh, I just have a fucking beer stein full of Tito's. It's my drink. That's not what I sound like. What about, like, does weed apply to the same thing? Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Every time you take a hit, an extra glass. Wow. I mean, do you realize just for one night of drinking, I would have to do

two classes a day for the whole month? There'd be no time. You would never be able to, you'd have to start from zero classes. Two classes a day for the whole month. Wait, one night of drinking? Yeah, what is one night You'd have to start from zero classes. Two classes a day for the whole month.

What is one night of drinking? Yeah, what is one night for real right now? I mean, if we're doing doubles. All right, like what's... A double is one. For, like if I'm on the road, I'll bring a double

on stage with me. I'll have a double after the show. I'll have a double at the bar. I'll have a double in Boston when we're done. So it's eight drinks. Eight drinks. So that would be fun.

Will that set you straight? Will you be like, I'm straight right now? Or like... Stop the shakes with stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It was opposite. There's been times. Yeah. Of course. There were times I couldn't use chopsticks. In Japan at the airport going, hey, can I get a sake bomb real quick? Oh my gosh. I'm starving over here.

Oh my gosh. Wow. Yeah. What gets me is those long flights. Because I drink on long flights. That's what fucks me up Do it, add a glass I like that, for every drink we do we have to add a glass I would do it starting from zero

But that's not sober October The thing is people listening to this They're severely disappointed First of all in me for bringing in shot glasses And ice They're angry right now. A lot of them. I really look forward to doing this.

They're already angry at Ari. Bert's the victim. No. You're a fucking rapist. Yes. You're very bad. You might out beat Bill Cosby as the number one comedian rapist. You didn't like the Welch?

Holy shit. Wait till you see the nicknames coming your way. There was a woman who was a, she was talking about Bill Cosby. She said he might be the biggest serial rapist in history. Oh, easily. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine that guy? Where are you going?

He's going to pee. Think about it when you're out there. Think about what you want to do with your sobriety. The problem with sobriety is... I'm going to die if he comes in with a fucking 12-pack of beer going, Come on, guys. A lot of booze in that fridge out there. You could do a class per drink, 50 pages per drink.

One or the other. Ooh, I like that. Start at zero. That means you could have two nights of drinking and drugs, and that's already like seven right there. Yeah, 50 pages for a drink is a hefty price. What's Xanax? I want to take one of those today.

One class. Why do you like taking it? What does Xanax do for you? Ever since the Molly, my panic has been fucking tweaked. I think my serotonin's not back. Yeah. So I've been having panic attacks. You need to take 5-HTP.

Did you try it? No, you got some here? Do we have any new mood? 5-HTP. Can I tell you? No, you got some here? Do we have any new mood? 5-HTP. Can I tell you, though? I get nervous taking anything. Jamie's going to go to some. I get nervous sometimes taking stuff.

Well, 5-HTP is just a nutrient. It's all natural stuff, right? Yeah. That stuff really works. Yes, it works. When I get obsessive compulsive. On it, new mood is legit. It turns it off.

Yeah? Yeah, it really turns it off. Sometimes I'll get repetitive in my head, and I'll just start saying the same thing over and over and over again, and it fucking makes me crazy. Let me ask you this. When we were doing that Sober October thing, there you go. 5-HTP? Take four of those.

Four? Yeah, yeah. Or do you want to put them in my drink for me? Sure. That's my only regret, is not bringing 5-HTP with me. That'll ramp up your serotonin though for sure yeah take that with you can i have it yeah yeah if you need more let me know um yeah i i i uh i don't know what it's called but i sell sometimes when i get obsessive compulsive i say the same thing as over and over in my head it's great when you're working on a joke because you just start chewing a joke over and over and over again,

but it fucking backfires sometimes. Now, let me ask you this. Last year when we were doing that crazy fitness shit, did that kill your chatter like Tommy and I were talking about? Hot spin's killing it. Really? Why? Because it's so aggressive.

I'm burning like 780 calories in a class. It's an hour. It's hot as shit. And you can't, your brain just doesn't work. And then when I get out, my serotonin levels are so high. I can feel, I feel great. And I'm calm. And I can get through the day.

I really honestly, I tried calling you one time. Because you'd always said that if you don't work out, then you'd go crazy. And I started noticing that that working out was making me sane and i was like i wanted to talk to you about that yeah not working out was making you sane no no not working out is making me insane oh right right so like the workouts were making me yeah that's why i started going to hot spin i need something i need to be in a class i can't just go for a jog because it doesn't help right now right

well you gotta push it too like when you're going for a jog you kind of can go at your own pace if you're in front of that instructor the instructor's going

come on let's go girls what I do is I sign up for 5k's on the road so that and I force I force my bus driver

to run a 5k the other day the first time he ran. It's awesome, man. 5Ks, half marathons. Marathons suck. But those kind of things are so communal that you do them and you feel like a part of a community. We ran through Des Moines.

It was gorgeous. It was a trail run. Damn, that's cool. That's great. Trail runs are great. All the whole, we take the tour bus in, park it. Everyone runs it. What's going on?

Are you taking drugs? Yeah. Yeah, we quit. We didn't tell you. Oh, yeah. We all had a drink and drug drugs. So take a week's set. Quit.

Four, Joe? Four is like for you? Yeah, four is good. Yeah, that's what I take. What is it? What is it normally? It's fine. It's fine.

It's not going to do anything to you. It's just nutrients. It's not bad. It's not going to fuck you up. What is it? It's 5-HTP. L-tryptophan, which also converts to 5-HTP. Let me see. Here, put one in Ari's drink for me.

There's some vitamins and adaptogens and stuff in there, too. It's all good for you. It's all healthy. Yeah, that's a legit supplement. That 5-HTP stuff is very legit. It's really good for people that are dealing with uh serotonin issues oh man i was hurting with panic this week in the tour bus i couldn't shut it off well why because the original name for new mood was uh roll on roll off and the idea was there was we like aubrey was

a big partier and aubrey developed some shit to come down from Molly. So that's literally what New Mood was originally invented for. And then we decided, well, there's a lot of benefit to increasing your serotonin naturally. It just really does help your mood. I'm going to fly tonight. Neil Brennan was a big 5-HTP proponent. He actually couldn't take it with his meds yeah because it was too much really where do you fly tonight i go to dallas i'm in tulsa oklahoma city

san antonio and then houston i think they're all sold out say what's up to g for me g garth where's garth at i think he has a nice big old a couple places but a big old ranch in tulsa yeah does he yeah did you ever did you ever did you ever have a part of your career where you were where not where we are kind of in like or did you just go from like clubs to like fucking massive theaters well tommy and i were working together first we were doing clubs yeah we're doing clubs and that was like nine years ago. Yeah. And then you just, you never did like, you just went to like fucking massive venues, right?

I did a lot of theaters, man. It's all just grinding. You went through the tears, I think. Yeah. Yeah, I went through all of it. Yeah, I started at clubs. I mean, I still do clubs To this day I still book weekends

And clubs I'm thinking about moving To New York in December Why? To work I gotta come up With a new hour Why do you wanna move

To New York And pull your kids Out of school No no just me What? Move to New York For like two weeks And just fucking do

Two weeks though Yeah for two weeks Just go for two weeks And do spots like crazy Yeah And write You could do spots in LA And still see your family, bro.

Jesus, Bert. I like shaking it up, Joe. Shake it up. Shake it up. I've had that fantasy before. Yeah. I've had the exact same fantasy of doing that.

The fantasy came before Ari drugged me because I was like, oh, it'd be so great to be with Ari for two weeks and just go do spots with him, Big J. You're drugged.

But it would be cool. It would be cool. But weeks and just go do spots with him, Big J. Get drugged. But it would be cool. It would be cool. But you're not friends anymore, so you can't do that. And you can't have him over the house. Do you know how much I love Ari? That I have been damage control trying to take care of him in this. I do appreciate that. How do you take care of him?

By talking about it on a podcast? No. Oh, there was a part where I was like, I'm not going to talk about it at all. When I asked you why you're upset, you're like, wait, we'll talk about it on the podcast. That's the first thing you said. It's got to talk about it on the podcast. During the weekend, I was worried about Ari. I was like, maybe I shouldn't bring this up because I don't think it's a good thing.

I think Ari maybe regrets it. He definitely doesn't. Look at his face. He does not regret it. No. That's the real problem here, I think, is that I don't regret it. I think that is a problem. Yeah. I won't do it his face. He does not regret it. No. That's the real problem here, I think, is that I don't regret it. I think that is a problem.

Yeah. I won't do it again, but I don't regret it. Why do you not regret it? For real. Why don't you regret doing it? It was awesome. Nothing bad happened,

and it was awesome. And he's alive. And his wife is mad at me again, but that's definitely not going to be the last time, and it's not the first time. Hmm. That is unfortunate, but worth it,

I think. Great time. I would love to see the video of burt like the kind of him realizing it i have it really when you realize it's like kicking in yeah i remember i can't tell you i can't tell you the guy saw it today because i'm debating whether to release that podcast but i saw it and i when it's i see it in my eyes i go back to that fucking moment where I'm like when you realize that you're out of control

I remember I strapped into one of the fucking hot rods the jet fueled ones and they strapped me in super tight and then they strapped my hands so I couldn't touch anything and I remember I couldn't get out and I had a panic attack and I said I'm gym i said i'm gonna be here for a while like and i was like

because they were like and i was like i need to get out right now i need to get out right now and i had to get out it was when i'm doing a travel channel the second he gave that to me i said i can't get out of this that fucking panic i go i can't fix this and then it overwhelmed me that's how i feel i take mushrooms it overwhelmed me and i thought i'm what if i don't like this. And then it overwhelmed me. That's how I feel when I take mushrooms. Same shit. It overwhelmed me and I thought, what if I don't like this? What if I don't enjoy this? How do I stop this? I can't stop it. Nah.

That's a panic attack right there. But luckily, Molly's a really interesting drug. It'll fight for you. It'll be an advocate. Molly was like, don't worry. Your cousin's here. Rub his back. Can you do Molly?

Because you did that to him, do you think we could allow him to do molly in october i would say okay do you want to do it no i'm not doing any molly ever again oh ever no never what about november 1st dude you should have seen here's what sucked about it as soon as he gave it to me and i felt a kick in i went i don't want to do this podcast i want to go for a walk. I want to go dance. I want to listen to music. I want my children and wife not to be here. I want to not have to explain

the situation to my wife. I want to not have to be on a plane. So I don't know. Maybe I would do Molly in the future if it was like an awesome concert or something in Vegas or something cool. Sounds awesome.

Right, like Britney Spears or something? Dude, I would do Molly and go to Britney Spears for a hell of a fucking show. You remember all the lyrics to all the songs from before? You better work, bitch. I'd go see Taylor Swift. The best was, so I started dancing a little bit because I knew what I was taking, so it was like embracing,

kicking in, and he just goes out of the blue, are you on Molly right now? And I just go, are you? And then we just get, he was like, I don't know what that was. Oh my god. How often do you do it? I do it when it's the right time. I went to see Mighty Mighty Ballstones in New York at Webster Hall. I did it that night.

You know you're an adult, right? Yeah. What are you doing Molly for? What do you mean? You know why. Because it feels good. It feels great. Yeah, but he's got, first of all, his balls don't work, so he can't make babies.

He had them snipped. So he doesn't have real responsibilities. None. I think if you have more... In the right moment. You don't do it all the time. Just in the right... Like music show.

How often is that? Probably three times a year, four times a year. Oh, okay. That's not bad. Yeah. Festivals, occasional birthdays. What about Coke? Maybe twice a year. Twice a year you Oh, okay. That's not bad. Yeah. Festivals, occasional birthdays. What about Coke?

Maybe twice a year. Twice a year you do Coke? I'm not that into Coke. Coke's awesome. Really? It's just when it's around that's all anybody's doing. There was real emotion behind that.

What in the world? Yeah? When was the last time you did it? It's been a long time. I did it on accident one night. Accident?

Yeah, my buddies had that bullet where you'd load it and then flip it, and they'd have a little bump for you, and you just kind of hit it, and they couldn't figure out how to work it. And I'm watching them. I was getting ready to go to a spot. It was when I was in New York. I was watching them. I go, guys, you're doing it wrong.

Give me the fucking thing. I go, you take it, right? Then you load it. Then when you hit it, you got to hit it. And I went, oh, my God, I just did coke. And they were like, oh, what are you going to do? I was like, the other fucking nostril. I don't want my face to be numb.

Are you kidding me? I used to do Coke a lot in New York. And then you went on stage? And destroyed. Joey says that Coke fucks his comedy up. I thought he said it made him good. He might go a little deeper than a bump. Joey said that it takes away your heart.

Takes away the heart imagine him though like if you go like let's really do some coke today it's not it's not a line he's probably just the whole bag yeah the machine gun comes out he goes crazy man i would love to i would love to get on uh uh what's this thing all the people take? Adderall? Adderall? Oxycontin. Adderall. Adderall, yeah. The speed. Yeah, the speed.

That stuff, man. That's fucking awesome. Very, very addictive. It is out of this fucking world. How often do you do that? I've done it a few times, but not recently. I went down a YouTube rabbit hole the other day watching stories where people were talking about

what Adderall did to them, what it was like when they were addicted to Aderall they thought the whole world was against them they thought they were on top of everything that they were super competent they were capable of anything they had unstoppable confidence they wouldn't shut the fuck up but everyone was against them this was being prescribed a lot of people right yes constantly kids a lot of people, right? Yes, constantly. Kids. A lot of people are on it. You get shit done. You get shit done. Yeah. How did I hit the fucking mic cord?

Yeah. It's a spooky drug, though. Because it's just, it's a, first of all, journalists. I have a buddy of mine who's a writer who says almost all journalists are on it. Oh, it's so easy to write on? Yeah. They're just on it constantly. I took it when I was writing my book.

But it changes who you are as a person. It fucks with your head. College admissions have started, a lot of them, adding in the application. Oh, you want to add it all? Wow. Yeah. Really? You've got to lie.

No, because sometimes there's a talk to a doctor who said that i have to like sign off on some of these things where they'll ask me to fill out this form do i prescribe this to this person yeah this is fucking super common man it's super common on wall street it's super common with people that are trying to get things done yeah we should do it we should do it for the month oh let's all just do it for the month I could fucking really get into that really hard time to get off that stuff though yeah so that'll be the

that'll be the challenge that'll be the challenge who gets off it first so are we really gonna add that for every drink you just add a class I think it's a good idea a drink or a drug

or a shot or whatever one of the things you would owe you have so many IOUs I would have to do 80 classes how about for a night of drinking it's add a class no no no start at 10 classes How about for a night of drinking It's out of class No no no

Start at 10 You go nuts in a night No no that's too easy That's too easy It's sober October You're supposed to be sober Just be sober Guys love yourself

But Ari and I already smoked a cigar We did already smoke a cigar It's kind of over That's permitted Guys a cigar is fine Cigar Cigars are fine We're pretty high

We got silly I know but cigars are fine We gotta allow cigars I'm starting smoking for this month Cigarettes? Yeah You would be a. We were pretty high. We got silly. I know, but cigars are fine. We got to allow cigars. I'm starting smoking for this month. Cigarettes? You would be a fucking mess. You ever smoke a cigarette before you go on stage? I would love.

I took one of Hinchcliffe's cigarettes once before I went on stage. I stole one of Chappelle's, too. He gave me a cigarette before I went on stage. It gives you a buzz, man. You hate cigarettes, though. Well, I hate anything that's bad for you. But the cigarette does give you an interesting buzz. It is a buzz.

Me and Big Jay did one of my podcasts. We talked about smoking. And it was just like, that's bad for you but the cigarette does give you an interesting buzz it is a buzz me and big j did one of my podcasts we talked about smoking and it was just like so awesome head brush i would love a cigarette right now do it you got to get into cigarettes too you know i started smoking cigarettes like regularly smoking cigarettes late in life as depalo yeah he started like when he was 50 that's really really hilarious do you know uh marin was addicted to the loz like when he was 50. That's really really Hilarious, you know Marin was addicted to the laws and it should yeah He was and he was like he was getting the point where he couldn't see and getting physically ill He was eating so many he'd wake up and they'd go to sleep with him in his mouth Goddamn like that's he off now

Is he off? Yeah, he's off. You know, I mean? I think he's got like 14 days off lozenges. What? What a fucking dumb thing to be addicted to. He must have been really into nicotine, man. I think he was really into nicotine. Get off these chewing gums, fucking idiot. Get a fucking hobby. Come on. He's 60 years old.

He can't get off gum. No. It must be good, man. I didn't say it was nicotine gum, right? I said it was nicotine lozenges, right? Yeah. Okay. I tried the gum because I wanted to see if it gives you the same head rush that the smoker.

Does it? No. I tried snus in Stockholm. The packets you put on your side. It gives you the buzz. That buzz is better than anything I remember the dip buzz was fucking intense

oh I could really get into dipping and that burn starts to feel good yeah yeah should we start dipping do you like how do you like how white knuckling we're getting into this month we've all been here before you can chew you can smoke cigars you can dip Do you like how white knuckling we're getting into this one?

We've all been here before. You can chew. You can smoke cigars. You can dip. You can smoke cigarettes. How many of you are getting into cigarettes? I feel like we're not sober. How about just socially drinking?

You just can't do it alone. Well, what does that mean? I mean, Bert's on stage in front of 2,000 people. That's social. That's a good point. I didn't consider that, but you're right. I think if you do anything with a needle, it should be permitted. Just because it's kind of high risk, and you deserve a little bit for taking the risk.

If we do anal chugs where you drink the booze out of your ingot and use this absorbent tampon. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I need to tell you this. A friend of mine, his wife is a teacher, and they have a problem in school with middle school kids who are taking tampons, and they're dipping them in rubbing alcohol and stuffing them up their assholes. Dude. And they're getting high as fuck. Whoa. Tampons, rubbing alcohol in your asshole. Apparently, you just in your asshole.

Apparently you just get blitzkrieg. That sounds great. You can die. Oh my god. You're just sitting there in class getting fucked up. Can you imagine with your fucking swollen asshole what that would do? A tampon up your asshole with rubbing alcohol.

Let's see if we can just get a tampon up her asshole first. I bet you could do it. I have faith in you. Get me a tampon. I'll try it. You went through two different years of going a whole month with no booze. I know how he works. Bert, I bet you can't do it.

No way. There's no way you could get a tampon up your asshole. Guys, there's six tampons in my asshole. There's six tampons in my asshole. Look, if you look, it looks like a squid. I have a tampon for each one of my family members. Our initial results say that this is an urban legend, but there are apparently medical cases that happen. No, no, no.

This is my friend's wife, who is a fucking school teacher. They have interventions on these kids. There's articles going back for 10 years saying kids have been doing this. I remember a long time ago. Dude, talk about having to break that from your kid going, hey, pull your pants down. Did you ever anal chug? Did you ever do that? You did?

I thought it was just vodka. We did anal chugs in college, and it was like for a fraternity where you do a handstand, pour a beer in a dude's asshole. And then someone else drinks it? And then catch it in a cup, and then you drink it. You drink it out of a dude's asshole. Fucking doofus. Yeah, ATO for life. Oh my God, you fucking dickwads that's really gay that's really gay oh my gosh you drank beer

out of all you i'm talking about all kind of cleaning did you do this person's asshole first on the floor all you had to hear was one person go anal chug and you're like looks like we're drinking off each other assholes oh my god wait you never though ingested through your ass no i've never ingested no i chugged it out of someone else's ass that's fucking that's disgusting i'm talking about ingesting it you can get way drunker dingleberries you didn't you didn't examine it you didn't examine it you just murdered it, Jesus. How about if we can drink beer if we only do anal chugs? Oh, God. Only through Josh Martin's asshole.

That's it. Only Josh. Anal chug. Or you do an anal chug. If you have one, ready to go. If you're at Skankfest. If it was the first to break sober October, for sure, I would do an anal chug. If you have a sip of that, I will do an anal chug.

Well, okay. Let's talk about this. What are the benefits of being sober about this. What are the benefits of being sober this month? What are the benefits? Lack of relationship with your wife? I'm gone the whole month.

What? I'm gone the whole month. I've already picked up hobbies. I was going to do in Florida spearfishing, surfing. I was going to do classes. Spearfishing is supposed to be awesome.

I want to do that. I want to get into spearfishing so bad. Do a spearfishing class? Yeah, my friend Steve Rinell just started doing it. He's like, why do I have been wasting my time? It looks cool as fuck. It's supposed to be awesome. I want to get into spear fishing so bad. Do a spear fishing class. Yeah, my friend Steve Rinell just started doing it. He's like, why do I have been wasting my time? It looks cool as fuck. It's supposed to be amazing. What's her name?

Valentine Thomas. Valentine Thomas is a badass. She's not just, but she actually is surviving off of it. She was a lawyer. Yeah, that's amazing. And she decided, I don't want to do this anymore. That's really cool. She just travels the world and spear fishes.

I love that shit. When somebody's like, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm successful. I don't care. I don't want to do this anymore. That's really cool. She just travels the world and spear fishes. I love that shit. When somebody's like, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm successful. I don't care. I don't care. I just said Kimmy Warner on my podcast. You know what else she likes? Drinking.

Really? All right, let's get back to this then, Joe. Let's get back to drinking. Joe, pull the plug. Who'd you have? Kimmy who? Kimmy Warner. Who's that?

She's a spear fisherman. She was on a Netflix documentary about the ocean, and I got obsessed with her spear fishing videos videos she goes down to 100 feet and chills are you gonna do it with no air no air just no air goes down and she was telling me that she just decided to get into it she was a chef or and she wasn't having fun so she got into it just one day bought a spear fish a spear thing just swam out and just was like what the fuck am i doing like this is but she was so out of her comfort zone that she felt and then she killed a fish and she came and she felt so proud she was like i'm obsessed that's it i dropped everything and then she went to the spearfishing championships in like nantucket right so she goes to nantucket she's never been

away from hawaii and she gets out there and the water is black and she starts swimming down and she can't see anything and they're like trust me if you get down to the bottom 10 feet it clears up because all the muscles on the ground and she couldn't get down to the bottom she kept getting panic attacks so popping up going like i can't do it i can't do it and then so the first day she didn't get anything and she's like fuck it i'm not gonna be beaten by the ocean dives down gets down and it's clear as shit she's like shut the fuck up dude i don't know if i could do that spearfishing it would have to be in like a beautiful place yeah it's like a hawaii thing right yeah hawaii yeah the keys we're gonna do it in fort myers they do it

a lot in northern california but they have issues with sharks dude one guy was uh on ranella's podcast was talking about as he got to the top of the boat, there was a giant boil behind him, and his friends saw this huge fucking great white shark that had come up to try to bite him and then realized last minute that he wasn't a seal. Oh, my God. A giant boil? Yeah, like water boil.

Is that Kimmy? Yeah. She's got a shot with her and a great white shark. Her type, Kimmy Warner, great white shark And you're just like Yeah, check this out I'm scared She's beautiful, she's pregnant now

What happened? What'd you do, Bert? No, she's getting married Swimmers, he jerked off in the water with her That's how it works Jesus, is that her? That's her, holding onto a great white shark Holding onto the fin No thanks I'd shoot that thing right in the brain, right from behind how it works jesus is that her holding on to a fucking great white shark uh holding on to the fin no thanks i'd shoot that thing right in the brain right from behind i'll just start

great white sharks i've been in the water with my bunch and they move so fucking intensely like their their intent is almost like when you watch a cage fighter move like quick and you can't you i don't know how to stop that that's how great white sharks are just fucking they take a right so quick you're it's mind-boggling and you're like oh i definitely couldn't defend myself remember when people used to kill sharks and everybody was excited yeah yeah now you're a monster yeah that's all that shark fin soup it's so good shark fin soup is so good really no? No, I've never had it. What are you talking about? I had it once.

For real? Yeah, a long time ago. I had it at a Chinese restaurant. I remember ordering it. It was before all the hubbub. It was before this big, all the bullshit about shark fins. Shane Gillis. Well, it was before everybody was killing them, and it was a big thing in the news.

I just thought it was some shit you bought and was made out of shark's fins yeah i didn't know they cut the fins off and then throw the fish back oh fuck man damn it's rough move yeah it's a dick move just use it use the rest well that's the thing is they don't the money is in the fins and they don't give a fuck about that and they really value that that shark fin soup it's super expensive that's dark but you know what the darkest shit is? Rhino horn. That's the darkest shit because that doesn't even do anything. These shark fin soup, you're actually eating something.

But this part of the thing of it is the fact that it's an exclusive delicacy. Right. But the rhino horn in some Asian cultures, it doesn't do anything to you. It's supposed to give you a hard-on, but we all know that there's other stuff that works better than that but the rhino horn what it does do is it symbolizes your wealth and opulence that you can afford to drink rhino horn tea oh that's fucked up it's great but it's super fucking popular still really still rhinos are murdered every day for their fucking horns yeah it's crazy and elephants too right elephants even chop the elephant,

well, the elephant's for ivory though, which is more like for pretty things. Yeah. But with rhino horns, they chop their fucking horns off in these reserves. They'll trank them and chop their horns off

so that they're not, they're not like worth anything. Oh my God. How crazy is that? Yes. Who does it? The conservationists? The fucking conservationists

will chop their goddamn horns off so the people don't kill them. And don't they also dye their horns, right? So it looks like they're already gone? No, they dye their horns, I think. I thought, maybe they're doing it with tusks, I don't know. Maybe. Maybe they do it with tusks. What does the dye do?

It makes it not as valuable. I don't know. I'm sure I'm mixing up stories. Yeah? So what is? Yeah, that makes sense. They dye them pink. Oh, okay. Yeah, so that they're like, oh, I don't want. I'm sure I'm mixing up stories. Yeah? So what is? Yeah, that makes sense. They dye them pink. Oh, okay.

Yeah, so that they're like, oh, I don't want to be gay. Yeah, I'm trying to get a hard dick. That's all I'm doing over here. Gay tusk. Gay tusk on my butt. So what drugs can't we do? All of them. You can smoke cigars.

Except for the alcohol that's in this kombucha. You can smoke cigars because you guys smoke cigars. So we can drink alcoholic kombucha for sure. Or not. Tell us. We're done. Or we can put vodka in kombucha. You can smoke cigars because you guys smoke cigars. So we can drink alcoholic kombucha. For sure. Or not. Tell us we're done. Or we can put vodka in kombucha. Ari and I were saying while we're doing it like I hope they fucking... It did suck but we did fuck up.

I hope they tell us it's over. Cigars are cool. So then it's me and Tom going for the belt. Yes. I guess Ari and I are out. That's true. I'm going to still try to do the classes but if I'm out, I'm still going to wear my whoop belt.

I'm still going to run. Yeah. Go ahead, guys. Have some booze. You already poured a glass. You're already out. You're both out. It's me and Tom.

Are you? Pour a glass and have it in front of you. Yeah. I guess we fucked up. Sorry, guys. It's okay. Sorry. Super disappointing.

What is a shot glass? It's kind of cool. A little closer. Do you remember some is a shot glass? It's kind of cool. A little closer. Do you remember selling shot glasses? Did you guys ever sell shot glasses on the road? No. No. What a dumb thing to buy, right?

You definitely should. Yeah. These are gas monkey garage. I'm trying to figure out what this is. These are gas monkey garage. Sell the fuck out of them too. I bet. You would.

But it's such a dumb, like, you don't need shot glass for your house. You just use a glass. No, I know, but people, you know. No, yeah, you do. If you're doing sake bombs. They want a portion controlled shot. Like Ari and I are about to do right now. Do it.

Let's see it. Be your own man. Describe how good. And we did have the cigars, but you guys can't have cigars. By the way, this would make me so fucking happy. Would it? it yeah we just tapped out yeah just yeah we'll still do the challenge i mean i'll still try to do the challenges but why would it make you happy burt couldn't we failed and you did not that's what it is where's that belt at it's over there go look at it you'll never own it go look at it

shut up burt he's gonna put it on it's heavy Jesus Yeah look at that Bert I almost cut my fucking neck I could see I could see Bert doing like Extra classes

Will that even fit you? No You want a hand? Oh it'll fit Come sit down Come sit down with that beautiful belt on. Look at you. Look at you, Bert.

You guys take a shot and watch Tom and I go fucking toe-to-toe. If we did back out right now and Ari and I just decided to just stop this foolish, childish game and just better ourselves for the month. I mean, Ari and I are not alcoholics. Right. Yeah, and i keep going keep what you're saying i mean but ari and i don't even have a problem drinking i think you'd admit if very least you have a bit of a problem i don't have a problem don't you have a fatty liver no my liver's perfect now instantly i can tell two weeks of fucking hot spin classes his liver's perfect So what were you trying to say though Joe? I was trying to say You and I can just better ourselves this month

And we could go to dinner with our ladies And just have a nice glass of wine Like a gentleman A couple nights where you go for it Have a beer with your hot dog Mostly chill it out but when you're at a Yankee game Drink some beers with the guys Or wouldn't it feel so much better if you went the whole month without it?

And then at the end, then you could really appreciate it. How do you even win it this month? How do you win it? Just beating you. How would you beat me? By winning? Well, how about me and Ari? Winning what?

How about me and Ari will back out, and you two just go to town against each other? But wait, how are we going to town, though? What if Ari and I did have a— Most classes. If Ari and I did just decide to do shots— Most sobriety, most classes. Most though What if Ari and I did Most sobriety Most classes If Ari and I did Most sobriety Most classes Most sobriety

Most classes Most sobriety So who could be Tie for sobriety Definitely tie for sobriety Zero No Most classes

No Tom could be sober Easy Easy Yeah Tom's Fucking dead inside Dead inside No it's not dead

It's like Dude what's your Resting heart rate From when you're asleep Did you see No I haven't seen What's yours Oh Tom's is dead inside. Dead inside. No, it's not dead. It's like two. What's your resting heart rate from when you're asleep? Did you see? No, I haven't seen. What's yours? Oh, Tom's is like 32.

It's 35. What does that mean? Low? It means you're fit. Very low. It means his heart is having a really hard time getting up. It means that if I lose 40 pounds, I might be the most dynamic endurance athlete alive. Ever.

Run a marathon with me. You'd be a fucking animal. No, but that's really low man what is your did you see yours show no where does it show it my resting heart rates i think i can always i can just tell it on my watch too no no but when you sleep it's like you're true it was 130 130 is mine when you're 30 i've got a heart i got a really high heart rate today let's see by the way Where does it show it? Why is this thing?

It's our IQ. I think my app froze. If we did back out, what would you guys do? How would you guys work things out? I would just see who's belt it is. I'd just beat Tom. You would just beat Tom doing what, though? You're not explaining how you're going to win.

More classes than him? More classes, more books but maybe not more books more classes more books more i i'll take more dynamic classes what does that mean the higher level of class i'll take more like i'll do not just hot spin i'm gonna do to do karate. Spanish. I'm going to do the weirdest classes. Transcendental meditation. Okay. I think if you do more classes than Tom, you would win. The belt.

Yes. Okay. Now, you guys are not getting out of this. You're not out. No, go ahead and drink it. Drinking it. I don't really want to drink right now. I wouldn't have a drink if I wasn't tempted to.

For this. But every minute that passes that we don't drink, it makes it more of a waste to not have just drank it already. Where the fuck do you find your resting heart rate? I just saw it when I woke up and now I don't see it, so I don't know where it is. Is it under strain, coach?

Ari Shafir, Jew, come to Chicago in November and San Jose as well? Nashville? don't see it so i don't know where it is is it under stream coach rs for a jew coming to chicago november and san jose as well nashville tech this is so detailed it's so interesting how much this thing tells you oh look at this sober october internal what is that something in our app wow we have a group app did you see this oh they've set it up for us If you go to Sober October So how do we know mine is Mine connected? Where do you turn? No yours isn't connected yet

It just shows Bert and Tom Oh I see Wait where do I see this? I want to see this Joe I see it now I see your resting heart rate What is it? Where is it?

It's in that thing You slide over Which thing? The You go Which one? I don't know how to explain it man it says rh resting heart rate but where do you see it i mean in within that internal thing right so i'm there and then but it says day strain no swipe swipe like swipe over a page okay see and then it says recovery HRV well my resting heart rate is 27 what

yeah HRV sleep performance 71% no that's not right my no no it's not it's not 27 Joe mine says that your resting heart rate is 65 oh mine says 61 mine 66 yours says 78 on mine oh you, you can see it on other people's? Yeah. Oh, interesting. How are you getting into the group thing? Mine says 61 to 74. That's the range, but I guess it's giving me your...

What's your... How come it's not showing me? Ooh, Sober Octoner. Octoner? Octoner? Ooh. Bert Kreischer. So I'm winning right now.

You're winning by being more fucked up than us 12.8 I've burned 2100 calories Yeah Yeah but that's just moving your feet No that's a hot spin this morning Dun dun dun Dun dun dun Dun dun

Yeah today I took the day off Yeah I didn't do shit today I haven't done anything Yeah So I'm good So head to your winning. Wait, you're winning. You're winning. How's that belt feel?

But wait, one last thing, though. Is there seriously, like if we're all doing what we agreed to do, how can someone win? I think if we do extra classes. Extra classes? Well, I mean. That's going to trigger that. Here's the thing. If you want to pull out the fucking... Open the psycho door.

I don't want to open your psycho door. I actually think last year you actually stopped liking me. What? Halfway through, I thought... I think I was, like, bothering you. I don't think he ever liked you. So I don't want to open up this psycho thing. What makes you think that?

You would look at me weird When you'd see me You'd look at me out of the side of your eye That's competition sir Yeah I didn't like that I don't think we should do Whoever does the extra classes It's just going to make everyone It's going to piss everybody off again

It's going to piss the wives off for sure Big time It's going to be a real problem And look we already all have crazy travel schedules Yeah we don't have to do that Okay let's go extra classes So how can you win? More pages for you That's what I meant I's go extra classes. So how can you win? More pages for us.

That's what I meant. I'm just throwing it out there. How can you win? But the problem is, if there's a way to win, I'm going to try to win. Yeah. It's going to go.

You're trying. You can't even just that you win? Put it to the side. Nope. I don't think so. What if we made a caveat? What's a caveat?

Sober October winner doesn't have to defend his belt. And that way you'll try really hard? And that way we can get Joe out of this. Doesn't have to defend the belt. It's like the... But then you would lose the belt. But you win a new belt every year.

Yeah, we'll make the bad motherfucker belts. I'd want a stack of belts. Yeah, you'd want to get a belt again. Otherwise you're just out of the competition. I'd want all the belts. I don't want anybody to win. I wish we could have that caveat of a drink in class because I would love a drink before I get on my plane tonight.

Yeah, that'd be great. Can I have a drink? No. You can have a drink. One drink. Guys, we shouldn't be doing the drinking part. We should save that for January. Why January?

Because nothing's happening in January. The thing is, this is a problem. Here's the problem. We have got a bunch of other assholes that we don't even know invested in our little thing yeah so let them come with us wouldn't be upset with us if we just started if we just started drinking a little bit you can measure our fucking what days we're drinking yeah no problem if we could stay sober and just eat edibles for the month and that works. How about you pick your drug? Well, sober used to mean alcohol.

It used to mean just alcohol. Used to mean alcohol. Let's just stay alcohol-free and then see whatever happens. That's my thing. Just alcohol-free. Yeah, but you're the one who got us into it. That's my thing. Well, look, guys.

Just alcohol-free. We've got to wrap this podcast up soon. It's almost 5 o'clock. I mean, I don't know what to tell you. I've got to meet. Ari and I have a show tonight. Where are you going? Comedy store.

Nice. Comedy store. Restaurant and nightclub. Sold out. Chicken wings are fresh-ish. They're not even wings. They're like tenders, which is very, very questionable. Not that tender.

Whenever you get a tender, like, where is it from? Like, what part of the bird is the tender part? So then let's get this solidified so we are all aware. Ten classes, 500 pages. We all are in agreement on this. And edibles under 20 milligrams. Right? And edibles under 20 milligrams.

And Xanax and Ambien. Just no alcohol. No alcohol. Sober. No alcohol. If you want to do edibles under 20 milligrams, I'm in. Sober. No alcohol. Does it help you sleep

like yes is that what you need it for that's why i don't want you to not get sleep bro i love you guys i want you to be healthy i like this fucking thing to monitor good sleep i i don't mind i don't mind i don't mind edibles i won't use them yeah but i don't mind giving you guys edibles if you need that to get through sobriety. All right. No, I mean, I'm serious. I don't really give a fuck. I won't eat edibles. I'm afraid.

Well, I'm not. Did you tell your doctor, though, that you're going to dial back drinking to get through the month? Because if you do it cold turkey, you can get really sick. You get sick. No, but he already proved it. You can go to the hospital for that. He's done this before. He's done this before. I've not drank a lot, guys.

He's done it before. He did it the last two years Yeah but you always had Medical supervision Yeah but he's getting older too No What? I never had medical supervision

For dial back drinking? Yeah just stop You're not supposed to do that Hey you know this is our Fourth year of this shit What? Fourth? I thought third

No No you lost the weight First year was a weight loss Challenge And then we had Two years of sober October This is our fourth year of doing something crazy give me a weight limit give me a weight limit if i get to it i get 205 205 i get

to 205 by the end of october 205 i'll do a hydration not on you yeah not a water i'll bring in one fc that would bring in a one fc championship people do a fucking i think even if he cuts i mean how to get to 205 would be a miracle that would be amazing i'll tell you that right now i would even cut seven pounds at the end i would even amazing. I'll tell you that right now. Even if you cut seven pounds at the end. I would even compliment you. I'll tell you this. There is no competition. However, if you get to 205, you could hold on to that belt for a year.

Hold on to it because I'm the champ? You're the champ. And if you don't get there, a legit 205. I'd say any 205. And if you don't get there, you have to go to therapy for a year to talk about your weight loss hey fuck face guess what

I'm back in therapy I'm back in therapy because of you you cunt you're already in I've been out of therapy and then this fucking happens and I had to talk to my therapist

Jesus fucking jackass what'd they tell you you've been avoiding stuff I feel healthier when I'm around you guys I feel like I've got my shit together that 5htp fixed my brain

did it i'm feeling so much better beautiful i was having so much goddamn you're gonna be unrecognized man i'll send you more of it it's really good this is take before you go to sleep before you go to sleep that was what by our just 5htp it says take right before bed yeah you can it helps it helps your body produce yeah but i might be any time during the day it's good for you it's not bad no no this was in your hands you keep it he doesn't trust it anymore um so 10 classes 10 classes and 500 page of a book all they all have to be different or it's just if you fuck up and accidentally take a drink three you need an extra class every every drink no more than three of one class, though. No more than three of one class. That doesn't mean anything to me.

If you want to take jiu-jitsu every day, I think you still win. Just ten classes. You still done it. Ten classes. No, mix it up. Mix it up. I think you should. It forces you to do new fun things.

But I think you should mix it up, but I don't think you should have to. That'll be the fun part. I'll enjoy that because whenever I go into a new class, I'll do an Insta story. Hey, guys, I'm doing goat yoga. If you want to do that, you can do that. But I think what's important is that you do something to better yourself. I mean, if you want to take 10 tactical classes, take that. If you want to do 10 yoga classes, take that.

If you want to do 10 jiu-jitsu classes, take that. 500 pages of a book can't be a children's book. I think, agreed? 500 pages of one book? Any book. Two books. It has to be two books. I'm not going to read a 500-page book. You can read hundred pages of five different books if you want to just fuck i like doing that

one of the things i like doing is i like reading a couple chapters of a book then i get bored i pick up another book you could also read this like big print you know huge print like crayon 10 page books just a bunch of them yeah you could read could read Watchmen. Okay, so we all read a real book. Read a real book. No children's books. Damn. Anything else? I think that's it. So we're going to have

to get to reading. The Plains is going to have to be reading, reading, reading. Tom and his addiction to edibles. Do we indulge this? No, I'll cut it.

I won't do it. No, no, we should all be able to do edibles and some sort of like amphetamine. Be it methamphetamine or MDMA. What if you have a prescription for Adderall and you don't want to, you know, your doctor thinks it's...

What about prescription drugs, period? Yeah, what about prescription Xanax? I could take one right now. Well, are you on Xanax? Did they give you it? I have a prescription for panic attacks. You probably should take it if you're panicking. Are you panicking?

What are you thinking about? Your heart? How's it beating? It's weird. Can I tell you? What are you thinking about? Your heart? How's it beating? Is it weird? Can I tell you? I'm super aware right now. Do you feel like your liver's chubby? No.

My liver's perfect. 205. The goal weight. If you get to 205, you get the belt, man. 205, you get the belt. Yeah, because I'm not even contesting it. This is good for me because this way- That's two pounds a day.

It's not a challenge. I don't have to say you you all get to 160 oh jesus that scared the fuck out of me just thinking about thinking 160 oh my god just saying it but we're not all gonna be here in november you're gone you're gone yeah but i'm here i don't go for long stretches when's my way in if i if i do get to 205, when are you here? November 1st? I'm here on November 1st. November 1st, I'm here. November 2nd is the UFC.

I think you're flying the 1st. No, I don't. What do you mean? What are you looking at? The 1st is November 1st, Saturday. The 1st is Friday. Where are you going to be November 1 first? I actually looked at that weekend. Where are you going to be number one first?

Who's fighting? Maybe I'll come weigh in at the UFC. Oh! You want to go to the fights? Yeah, I do. You can weigh in at the UFC. Oh, come to the fights. Weigh in at 205 at the UFC.

That's Nate Diaz, Jorge Masvidal. Shut the fuck up! New York City. Yeah. Oh my God! I've been a fan of Jorge Masvidal for so long. I will bring that belt, and if you can make 205, I will hand it to you on stage at the UFC weigh-ins.

Wow. Oh, this guy got good. You're fucking my head up, Joe. I'll set it up. I will set it up with the UFC. Wow. So that you can weigh in. Oh, come on, dude.

You should do that. I will 100% do that for you, Bert. Except for the fact that you can never weigh 205. It's going to be so hard to get to 205. We can stream it live. You won't do it, but this is an awesome challenge. Listen, we'll stream it live. How much do you weigh?

266. 266. That ain't shit. A pound a day? 100%. 1.1 pounds a day? That ain't shit. You could do that.

Fighters do way more than that. You could cut that. I know fighters who cut 30 pounds in two days. But that's not healthy. But you can lose the 30 pounds in a month healthy. Really? You can lose a pound a day. Yeah, man.

You have weight to lose. No sugar. No sugar. No bread. All vegetables. And cut way back on your portions. Vegetables and salmon. Go to a nutritionist.

Way back on the portions. Way back on your portions. Vegetables and salmon. Go to a nutritionist. Way back on the portions. Way back. But if you make 205, I will bring that fucking belt to New York City, and I will put it on you on the fucking stage where the UFC fighters weigh in. We'll stream it live. And if you don't, it'll be very embarrassing. But if you do... No, if I don't, I'm not going to fight in New York.

Dude, if you do, it'll be amazing. If I do, it'll be amazing. But 205 is such a... Shut the fuck up, pussy. That means you have to be 211 the day before. Listen, man. And just not eat up night and go into the West. Listen, man, you can do it.

You can do it. Cut water weight. You just can't fuck around like you did with Tom. With Tom, you played catch up. You tried to do it all real towards the end. I drank the whole time. Do you have any cheese that can help you with this? Yeah, he drank the whole time.

Tom was grinding. He was grinding the entire time. He was drinking nothing I drank the whole time. Do you have any cheese that can help you with this? Yeah, he drank the whole time. Tom was grinding. He was grinding the entire time. He was drinking nothing but water the whole month. And he barely beat you. A few pounds. That's it. Two pounds, maybe. Yeah, you could have got ahead of him early and set a pace that he couldn't keep up with.

He did his best, and he only beat you by a few pounds. No, wait. Wait, wait. But there's no way you can do that right you can do it stop stop guys we're coaching them here i used to host fear factor listen you can do it 205 you can 100 do it you weigh in 205 you get the belt and and this is great for me because there's no there you go look at that the two of you. Look at Tom. So happy. Everybody's happy. The thing is, if you do do it and you weigh 205, for me, I don't need that belt.

It's all you, man. You can have it. On the UFC stage at Madison Square Garden? Yes. Well, let that marinate on your flight. You got to go, man. Yeah. All right.

Okay. Yeah, because you're only going to think about it if you say marinate. Yeah, marinate. Oh, that's booze. We use booze to marinate sometimes. Sometimes. All right. That's it, everybody. Thanks, because you're only going to think about it if you say marinate. Yeah, marinate. Oh, that's booze. We use booze to marinate sometimes. Sometimes. All right, that's it, everybody. Thanks, Joe.

Thank you. Thank you, Joe. Thank you. Bye. Bye, everybody. Happy Silver October, everybody. Bye. Bye.

Bye.