The Joe Rogan Experience - #1360 - Nikki Glaser

Episode Date: October 3, 2019

Nikki Glaser is a stand-up comedian, podcast host, and television host. Her new stand-up special "Bangin" is now streaming on Netflix.

that's it we're moving we're doing it we're in motion nikki glazer aka marshall's new best friend oh it's so nice to hear yeah you're definitely his new best really oh for sure didn't you see but i feel like he likes everyone he does like everyone okay but he likes you right now for sure he likes you just jumped all over you It was so awesome I love him I needed it so bad He is a rare dog He is It's weird right It's instantly Like he looked

I told you when he came in I hadn't even seen you yet And he just saw me And it's like we met Our eyes met across the room And he just like Bounded towards me It felt so good

He runs to you like You're his best friend Yeah like he's like I'm seeing you again Yes And forever Like I just got back from war and he's my child. Licking my face.

Just so excited. Yeah, he starts whimpering. It was so good. I can't believe you're here. It's so, and he lets you just hug him. Yeah, I've never had a golden before. Golden Retriever. They're like the nicest dogs of all time.

I've only had mutts that we've collected from the Humane Society that are abused and damaged. You can get lucky with them. Yes. You can get lucky. And it feels so good when you were talking about your dog didn't want you to touch it for a year. That was my daughter. My oldest daughter had this little tiny dog. It was part chihuahua and part Australian herd dog, shepherd dog.

I forget what it is. But it was very much like a chihuahua, a very shepherd dog. I forget what it is, but it was, it was very much like a Chihuahua, a very small dog. And he was terrified of me for like a year. Wouldn't let me come anywhere near him. I'm like, come on, dude, I'm telling you, I love dogs. And it really wasn't until we got Marshall. And then he saw me with a little tiny puppy. He's like, Oh, this dude is all right. And then like, he wanted to play with Marshall. So he got close to me and then I pet his head. And then next thing you know, he's hopping in my lap. And then he wanted to play with Marshall, so he got close to me, and then I pet his head. And then next thing you know, he's hopping in my lap. And then after that, he would just run to me and literally jump in my arms.

Yeah. And that's super rewarding to see that change and see when a dog finally accepts love and has just been abused. It's beautiful. It's sad, though. When you're like, what happened to you? Why are you scared of men? I would kill to know what happened to my rescue dogs that I gave to my parents. But I had them for two years. I've had quite a few dogs in my life that were rescue dogs.

And one was one of the best ones I ever had. A friend of a friend found it eating out of garbage cans and she was covered in mange. Like half her body was like hairless. It was really sad. Yeah. But she was a really sweet dog. It was tough to tell how old she was. She looked like she was like two or three it was really sad yeah but she was a really sweet dog was tough to tell how old she was she looked like she was like two or three yeah they don't know and i took her in and like within like a month she had all her hair back she was fully plumped up yeah and that was

like the nicest dog like she was like one of the nice dogs i've ever had yeah it's my my dog that i got bit me on the first day and drew blood and i was just like i'm getting rid of this thing this isn't gonna last i was just fostering it yeah and then it switched at some point it it loved me and i like learned how to love through that dog i just like went in too soon and it just was uh it was abused before it came with this whole backstory of like it my the rescue people told me it was found in an alley behind a pizza hut and it was living off pizza and a kid tried they had this whole story i think a lot of rescue places make up stories so that you're like for sure more inclined to buy to get these things because they come with this story because i checked later on to be like

which pizza hut was it because i wanted to bring lu my dog, back to the Pizza Hut it came from just to see if it remembered. What if it gets PTSD? I kind of wanted it to. I wanted to just see. And she goes, I think that was just a story we made. And I was like, oh, come on. How can they make up stories?

That's so dirty. Because it moves dogs, man. Yeah, they got to move dogs. Whatever they can do to move those dogs. Give them names give them a story he slept on a pizza crust as a pillow you know like just any kind of thing that makes them did you know that pita kills thousands of dogs that's what i've heard anytime i post anything about pita i have a bunch of people saying they're the worst. Well, they're not the worst. But what they are is the origins of PETA is the Animal Liberation Organization.

The origins of PETA, the people that originally founded PETA, believe that all animals, including pets, should be free. They don't believe in domesticated animals. Okay. Well, that's preposterous. Look at that dog out there. He's having a great old time. Yeah. Being a pet is the best. I've actually said if I could be reincarnated, it would be a rich person's goldenosterous. Look at that dog out there. He's having a great old time. Being a pet is the best.

I've actually said if I could be reincarnated, it would be a rich person's golden retriever. I've said that. I didn't realize your dog is what I want to come back as. That's hilarious. It's the best life. The best life. That dog has only known love. Yeah.

What stress happens in that dog's life? Occasionally, he can't go out. Yes. Like if I'm injured can't go out. Yes. Like if I'm injured or something like that. Yes. He can't run for like weeks at a time. He gets bummed out. But PETA kills animals because they think that their policy is that you're more free to be dead than you are.

I don't know. I don't want to put words in their mouth. I think that's it. They definitely kill animals. But they kill them quick. That's the thing. They're not out there trying to find owners for them. Oh.

Yeah. That's the knock on them. The knock on them. The Animal Liberation Organization. I mean, they've like broken into, like, they're the type of people that like break into fucking supermarkets and release the lobsters back to the ocean. Be free. Be free, my lobster friend.

I'm into it, Joe. Are you? I'm into it. I'm a total vegan i know you are bleeding heart i know you are but those lobsters have always made me so sad why they're bugs do you swap mosquitoes i rarely kill bugs when mosquitoes are fucking you up you just let them please divinely eat me drink of my blood no you are me and i am you and if you give me malaria then so be it i just okay maybe not like i i'm not crazy okay i've come over to your house your house is filled with roaches i hand you bug spray do you use it um yes because roaches roaches can fuck although

i did have an instance and this is true i was in the shower and i was it was having i get really vegan and really um when i'm depressed i get more vegan than ever it's like what throws me into it i'm just feeling too much and then i feel for every animal and it just gets out of control so if i'm ever you know going off about vegan propaganda on my instagram someone should check in on me i'm not doing well okay i'm in a dark place yes i'll call you um and one day i was in the shower and there was a dying house centipede like drowning the grossest bug known to man like it's they're half centipede half spider they're disgusting they've i don't hate anything more than that creature and i was like you know what i can't kill it i want to save it and just take it outside and i'll like tell my vegan friends like i'll be

like such a good vegan today so i got out of the shower and like you know when i can't kill it i want to save it and just take it outside and i'll like tell my vegan friends like i'll be like such a good vegan today so i got out of the shower and like you know when you get out of the shower and you think you're just like you just don't need a towel i'm just gonna grab something and you like traipse like a lazy river throughout your house because there's i did that i made a huge mess get a paper towel come back and i pick it up and i'm so scared to do it and i and i like i'm so proud of myself too i can't wait to fucking tell the vegans and i open it up and i'm so scared because i want to see if it's still alive and it was a clump of pubes it wasn't even um oh yeah so i but which looks exactly like mine your pubes are that dark i yeah dude yeah this is all fake bottle it's a bottle a bottle yeah i mean they're not

like dark dark but centipedes how centip. I mean, they're not like dark, dark, but centipedes, how centipedes are like blonde. They're kind of like dirty block. You know that hair bleach is not vegan, right? Listen,

I'm making that up by the way. I don't even know if it is. It's probably not, man. I know there's something on my face right now. When I said that, you were like, Oh shit.

Listen, I know there's so many things. I'm not a said that you were like oh shit Listen I know There's so many things I'm not a perfect vegan And I don't claim to be but I love the idea of veganism I love the idea of it The idea that you love animals and you don't want to cause harm I love the idea Just the practical application and the health implications

Just that doesn't sit with me Really? Protein? Well it's not protein it's there's a lot of different things that you get from animals like omega fatty acids from grass fed animals salmon and things like that that are just choline which is very difficult to get outside of animal products b12 very difficult to get outside of animal products. Okay. My problem with, I don't care if you hunt. I don't care if you are on a farm and the animals are treated well. It's just all about how you treat them.

Factory farming. Factory farming is my big issue. 90% of all my meat, I kill myself. That's why when people, they often cite you as like, is it cool if Joe eats me? I'm like, yes, because he's hunting at all i also if i shoot if i shoot like two animals i eat them the whole year like i hunt big animals yeah elk or deer like if i eat a deer i'll eat that for four months like for four months i'll eat that's cool i'm fine with that and i feed my dog it my dog eats mostly raw elk meat really yeah

it's one of the reasons why he's so healthy yeah he gets i mean dog food is horse shit like what I'm fine with that. And I feed my dog it. My dog eats mostly raw elk meat. Really? Yeah. It's one of the reasons why he's so healthy. Yeah. He gets, I mean, dog food is horse shit. Like, what the fuck is in there? Like, animal dicks and assholes all ground up. That dog eats elk. He eats mostly elk.

You can tell. He's super healthy. He's beautiful. But yeah, I mean, that's the problem I have. He's also a murderer. Yeah. That dog's a squirrel murderer. Oh, wow. You get him anywhere. He's also a murderer. Yeah. The dog's a squirrel murderer. Oh, wow. You get him anywhere near a squirrel and everything changes.

Yeah. His little eyes roll back in his head and they go black. And he's caught some. Like a shark, he has. And then he eats that for four months. He lives off that. Okay. No.

He doesn't even eat them. Just forks them up. Comes back inside. He wants you to see. He takes pictures. He. Yeah, yeah. Him with pictures. He. Yeah. Yeah.

Him with a squirrel in his mouth. You with that dog. Let me just say, I film. You have the best. Your happiness like comes out in your face. So like when you smile, it's not a fake smile. Your selfies with that dog after a hike. I love them so much.

You look so happy. I am. He's my buddy. You're so happy. You are. Right? Yeah. You look so happy. I am. He's my buddy. You're so happy. You are, right? Yeah, I'm pretty happy. I want to come back as you. Reincarnated.

It's complicated. It is. It's been a long time to get there. You don't want to be me. People shouldn't want to be you? You don't want to be me. You're a woman. It would be so crazy.

Seems pretty good. You think so? Seems pretty great to be Joe Rogan. I mean, what is the downside of being you? I really want to know. If someone was interested in becoming you, what are some warnings you'd give them? You better work out, bitch. Yeah.

Otherwise, the demons will catch you. They'll catch you. But you love working out. Yeah. I love working demons will catch you. They'll catch you. But you love working out. Yeah. I love working out for two reasons. One, because it makes me feel good. And two, because I don't want the demons to catch me. What are these demons?

Demons. Tell me. The demons are anger demons. Anger. Anger demons. Yeah. Most men have anger demons. Because most men have a certain amount of, there's a requirement that your body has in

terms of like the expenditure of energy and if you don't meet that requirement you get antsy and then you get agitated when you see people flipping people off in traffic and going fucking crazy and road raging what do you think that is for most people it's this uh this like excess of energy oozing out like an overflowing battery and they don't know what to do with it it. And if you have any sort of a history of violence or combat sports or contact sports like football or anything athletic that's involving a lot of aggression, that's sort of inherently a part of who you are.

And then where do you put that when you're not doing that anymore? Exactly. You've got to exercise that shit out. Yeah, you were talking about this the other day with the boys, talking about Sober October, about how when you work out, you don't... When you were last October

doing five hours a day on a treadmill or whatever the hell you were doing... A lot of hours. You couldn't feel anything afterwards? There was some kind of residual... I didn't even comprehend it because I've never worked out that much.

We were talking about how nothing bothers you. Nothing bothers you. Nothing. Nothing. Because you're so tired? No. No, because I'm not that. That's the crazy thing is you get in really good shape and then you're not that.

It's not that you're that tired. It's just that you're even. The way you process things, there's no's no like well who the fuck does this guy think he is there's none of that okay none of that it's like someone flips you off oh look at that guy flipping me off and like registers zero doesn't mean that you don't love things or get passionate about things but all the internal negative chatter is gone all of it all of the all of the pitfalls and psychological traps that your your mind will lay for you if you don't give it a lot of activity, if you don't occupy it. I think that's a lot of what people go through in their life with anxiety, with all sorts of different issues.

I think we have like human reward systems that are built in that helped us survive from the fucking caveman days. And those are still a part of our DNA. And if those athletic requirements or physical movement requirements aren't met, your body just gets agitated. It just like fucking just wants to do something. Jesus Christ. And you're just watching TV and then your neighbor's dog is barking like, will you shut

that fucking thing up? It's just releasing that energy you would have been releasing by gathering nuts or whatever you were doing. But doing something physical, anything, fucking hiking, anything. Yeah. That's why people are happier and healthier

when they use their body. It's not as simple as like a... People look at it like intelligent people, unfortunately, a lot of them, look at it like it's a vanity thing. And they don't want to be caught up in a vanity thing, so they don't care about their body. But it's not that. You are your body.

They're inseparable. Your mind is a part of your body. Your body is a part of your mind. It's all together. But what about your thoughts? What are your feelings on thoughts? What are my feelings on thoughts? feelings on thoughts what are my feelings yeah like for me thoughts are what cause all of the anxiety and all of the depression and all of the anger it's not having control of my thoughts it's

letting my thoughts control me and as soon as i learned meditation and the idea that my thoughts were not me and that they were these external things that I could choose to either indulge in or bat away. Right. Then I was able to really gain like a hold over my anxiety and depression that I had not before. When I thought my thoughts were just like, Oh, I'm thinking this thought it's true.

It's me. I created it. Let me keep going with it. Yeah. Do you, do you feel like, how do you, don't you think meditation helps you with your anger also?

For sure, for sure. But it's not like anger, like I'm just randomly angry walking around things. I just have my physical requirements. Yes. You want some fake beer? It's so, I can't,

yeah, I mean, I don't drink, and this is absurd to me that I would have a beer. It's a fake beer. It's zero alcohol. But I don't miss the taste of alcohol. Oh. Who misses the taste?

No one would drink alcohol if it didn't get you effed up. I would drink these. It tastes good. Really? Yeah, I love it. This tastes like the St. Louis Funny Bone, which is a great taste. It does.

It tastes like the St. Louis Funny Bone. 2009. Living my best life. When was the last time you drank? 2011, December 9th. Whoa. Cleveland. Hilarities.

After the show. You're like, I'm done. Well, I just had a couple beers to close out the evening. Was by myself. Next thing you know, you're shooting heroin. I don't know what happened i i well i was at a point in my life where it was like this has got to stop because my hangovers were getting so ridiculous and debilitating for a whole day and i was just doing you know i would black out from

like two drinks because my mind john mulaney has a great joke about it where he says he would black out very quickly after a couple drinks because his mind was like, we know where this is going, shutting down early. If you know you're going to black out, your brain just blacks out earlier. Because every time I drank, I would black out. I woke up that next morning and it wasn't a hard night of drinking a couple beers, but I was just the sickest I've ever been and the thing about hangovers that I really had to look at was like the best part about being sick if you're gonna find the best part about being sick it's that people feel sorry for you get babied a little bit you get a nurturing from your friends and family that you don't get when you're healthy

but when you're hungover no one gives you that so you're sick and you don't even get the only good thing about being sick which is people feeling sorry for you everyone's like you piece of shit you did this to yourself so i was like in the shower in a in the fetal position thinking this is how i should feel if i'm dying like i really don't want to feel this bad unless i am on my way out so i'm not doing this anymore and i read a book and i was done done. What was the book? The Easy Way to Stop Drinking by Alan Carr. What's the easy way? Easy way is you read this book and then you're done at the end of it.

And what he does, well, I used his method to stop smoking. The Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Alan Carr. So many people have read it. It's the one book that when you've tried everything else, nothing else works. This book, my mom quit smoking after 35 plus years so many of my friends i heard about it i think like ellen degenerist and ashton kutcher i heard

a bunch of celebrities kind of talking about it i read the book and you can smoke while you read it and then by the end of the book he just promises you he goes go have a cigarette and you're just like no i don't want to and i don't need to his method is and this is thing he does with drinking any excuse you have to do that thing he talks you out of it he tells you a reason why your excuse is actually bullshit and there's no science behind it that and he he disproves any reason that you have to do it and we've been brainwashed by tobacco and alcohol industries to believe that quitting is really hard and quitting alcohol is hard if you have an addiction you can like die from it obviously but with tobacco it's part of their propaganda to tell you that it's hard to

quit smoking they're the ones pushing that method or message which seems like why would they tell people it's hard but they're doing that because if it's hard you won't quit so that has been their message to be like it's so hard to quit smoking it's so hard when really it's not it's not no the the withdrawal symptoms of not smoking last up to two weeks i think less than that. I think it's like seven to 11 days. And the discomfort caused by wanting a cigarette is the same discomfort as being a little bit hungry. You're a little bit annoyed. It's not insurmountable. It's uncomfortable, but it passes after seven to 11 days, I think it is. And then even when you're going through it, it's not that bad. But it's the psychological effect of thinking it's hard that makes it then hard.

So once he proves to you it's not that hard and any excuse you have to smoke, which is like, it calms me down. It raises your blood pressure. So that's inaccurate. It makes me more social. Actually, it isolates you. If you really look at it, every time you smoke, you feel kind of bad. People think you stink. Like it just every excuse you have. And then he did it with drinking too. I went through this book. I read it. You can drink while you read the book. You have to want to quit. To pick up the book,

you have to want to be like, I want this out of my life. I don't know how to get it out of my life. And I gave this book to so many of my friends, and my friends don't drink anymore. And a lot of them use program or other things to supplement, but all i needed was this book and i was done and i'll tell you i drank every single night of my life and i never thought i could live without it it was just i was just like anyone listening that's like no no no you don't understand all my friends drink it's my life it's my social life it's my work life it was everything to me it's all i look forward to yeah i'll never go like this when my friend enters a bar again like i'll never that's i'll never do that i will never greet a friend with she's here yes yes yes yeah that's that's you that was me that was like that that's something i miss i'll never have that kind of to drink enthusiasm anymore but because I don't drink

I am fucking killing it my life changed I can trace my career as before and after like on the dot so you know it's not for everyone if you have a problem you should maybe look into it but that book seriously changed my life that sounds amazing and there was no like difficulty in quitting none it really was easy i never maybe a couple times i felt like oh it'd be nice to have a drink i you know i was dating a guy that like just wanted to have a glass of wine with me and i'm like why can't i just have a glass of wine? And I've been tempted, and I don't think that I would go off the deep end again, but I don't, I just, I go back

to that book, and I'm just like, I just, any reason I can give myself, it's just really, it isn't true, and I'm better without it. Well, it's definitely not true if you're drinking it every night and you're blacking out. Yeah. But if you just have a cup of glass of wine with dinner, it feels nice oh i know social

lubricant you have fun with friends you start laughing and joking around but you don't have that ability to stop there is that i could for a few months and then it would trickle into it's just the exactly the voice you have every people are listening and i know you relate to this of you go i'm going to have two tonight. But then that person, and you go, promise yourself you're just going to have two. But then you get that voice drunk, and that voice is like, have another. Come on, pussy. You can't plan for how you're going to feel two drinks in because you get drunk.

And then it just keeps going. I miss it, man. I have a bit about that about drunk driving the problem is not the problem is not whether or not you can drive drunk the problem is even thinking that you can drive drunk because when you're drunk you don't know what the fuck you can do or can't do yes you think that's why guys get in fights with people way bigger than them when they're drunk and they don't even know how to fight you're you're stupider yeah when you're drunk you're a fucking moron when you're drunk so the idea that you could drive drunk like i'm fine like you don't even know if you're fine that's the problem yes the problem is you're stupider when you're drunk. You're a fucking moron when you're drunk. So the idea that you could drive drunk,

like, I'm fine. Like, you don't even know if you're fine. That's the problem. Yes. The problem is you're drunk. And that's a big part of the book is talking to people about this liquid courage that everyone cites.

I mean, like, I need a drink because I can't go on stage if I don't have a drink. I need a drink to talk to the girl. And it's not courage. What you're doing is you're making yourself more stupid. You're actually making yourself more, I don't even know if the word is correct, but more, you're retarding yourself. And you're making yourself more mentally disabled. Be careful throwing around that R word.

I know. On this show. Seriously. On this show. That's a real term, retarding. Yeah, it is a real term. And even retarded It has nothing to do

With down syndrome Has nothing to do With diseases Right And we've got a problem With that word Yeah In this country

I can't I'm not going to call A movie the R word But I can call A mental state the R word That's cool What about A movement

That's retarding growth Yeah you can say that Like the flat earth movement Is that retarded It's retarding the masses retarding but not retarded you won't say retarded isn't that interesting you get scared i thought it's so strange like we can say pussy cat but we can't say pussy imagine if there was like a cunt bird you know what i mean and like you could say cunt bird, and everybody's like, oh, cool. I feel like that's what someone's called me before.

That's a popular insult on my Instagram. That word will get us demonetized from YouTube, according to Jamie. Isn't that what you said? Did you say what they say? That's what I've heard. Really? What did they say about Sober October? Someone said the word, and that's the reason. C word?

They said the word two and a half hours into the podcast, so the entire podcast was demonetized. What? Yeah. We should go back and beep it Go back and put a Cunt is such a I love that word I feel empowered by that word If someone calls me a cunt I'm like

Really? Why? For the same reason when people were saying Hillary was a crook I was like good a woman's a bad person i don't even care like i'm just like yeah we can do it all i feel like there's women that aren't crooks that don't know if you're gonna have a woman president let's have one that's not a murderer sure it'd be cool yeah the first one was like impeccable but i'm just saying when people were saying that argument i was like good i don't even fucking care i'd like i like a strong uh just a a woman doing things that men normally

do i love it you know that's the same kind of argument that people use for trump what do you mean well they say he's an asshole and he's a thief who cares fuck it he's a man yeah yeah yeah at least he's not a politician at least he's not a man she's a crook at least she's not a politician. At least she's not a man. She's a crook. At least she's not a man. Right. Women can do it too. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good point. Okay. It's a team mentality.

Okay, I don't like that. I don't like it either. Okay, I take it back. Yeah. But I did have that feeling. The word cunt, though, I just don't... If someone calls me a cunt, I'm like, wow, I really spoke up then. It tells me I'm doing something right.

The real problem is words. The real problem is words does not the real problem is people have intent their intent is the same no matter what noise comes out of their mouth words are just conveying intent when you make words bannable outlaw words you're playing a fool's game that's a fool's game because all words are supposed to be is tools that convey intent you can't say that that word is exactly the same every times it's used without without regard to the context that's crazy because you could say that to your friend and you could both be laughing and love each other like you could say you're fucking crazy cut and she's like and you both fall on the ground howling laughing

no one got hurt at all or you could say it to your mom and it'll cut deep. It'll hurt her deeply. And then it's awful. It's an awful use of the word. Because you're just conveying your thoughts and your intent. It's not a fucking sound that you make with your mouth that's the problem. The problem is the way people treat each other. And this stupid game that people play where they outlaw certain words or ban certain

words or demonetize youtube videos for certain words that is a fool's game it's dangerous you're a child you're playing a child's game and history will not be kind to you you will you will be looked at as a fucking buffoon that's a fact well buffoon will probably be a word in five years that you will get in trouble for using right now i'm just thinking what words now are we using that are gonna get us canceled in five years people of color uh really yeah you think people of color is gonna be that's the that's the that's the mode is how is that okay when you can't say colored interesting impossible interesting nonsense whoa total nonsense yeah you call someone colored they'll beat the fuck out of you but if you say people of color they'll go okay cool whoa what are you a baby what are we doing

here this is nonsense yeah it's foolish i'm scared we're all people of color like what color are we you know i'm darker than you yeah and you're probably darker than Bill Burr. What the fuck? What are we doing? What are we doing? It's crazy. Are you worried? Ever?

I mean, you can't get canceled. I'm my own boss. That helps a lot. And I'm nice. I know. That's what I go back to. I'm a genuinely nice person. I'm nice. I'm always nice.

I'm nice to everybody. Even if you don't disagree with me. I'll talk to you I'm like i'm I work hard on being nice. It means a lot to me It means a lot for me to have good experiences with people you are nice and I think people are Extremely intimidated by you as was I but in the end really really nice What do you mean you have to work hard on it? I work hard on being nice I mean, I think was there a time that you weren't nice in your life when i was young yeah i was very mean yeah but that was

because i was competing in martial arts all the time i was involved in violent things but you should have been like you said before that should have been getting it out of your system and then you would would have been plastered on the road i was competing it was before i was doing comedy yeah i was competing all the time it was my time. And also, I was too young to understand what was important and what wasn't important. So my eyes were entirely on success at all costs. I just wanted to dominate. I just wanted to figure out a way to win always. And so I was just mean.

I would enjoy hurting people. And that's what I was doing. When I was knocking people out, I would enjoy it. I'd like it. Because they were trying to do it to me. What about comedy? Haven't you approached it the same way? No.

You don't care about... I mean, you've achieved everything that one could achieve doing comedy. What does that have to do with being mean? No, I mean like you got off on being the best. You needed to compete. No, I just have to do with being mean no i mean like you want you got off on being the best you needed to compete you you were no i just try to do my best at comedy i just try to do my best yeah you're not looking i'm not trying to be first of all i think that like awards or rankings or anything like that when it comes to art is ridiculous like the this is the emmy award winning movie this is the oscar award winning movie this is the oscar award winning this

this is the fucking the grammy award winning song like shut the fuck up what you're doing is this is a business and the business is getting people to see who's number one and so all these advertisers pay to watch the show or to promote on the show and people watch it i wonder who's gonna win best album of the year like it's crazy. There's a million great albums. Every year, how many thousands of albums are out? And how many people subjectively look at those albums and say, God, this one really moved me. This one spoke to me in a dark time.

This one really picked me up at the gym. I fucking love this one. It reminds me of my husband or my wife. And this is, you know, the idea that one is better than the other. It's like it's so subjective.'s crazy you're right i mean lizzo's album came out in 2016 and everyone slept on it until this year so you're absolutely right even know who she was until i saw her dancing around on some award show and i'm like that lady the one where she busted out the flute like out of her vagina where amazing she's lit. Amazing. She's lit.

I didn't want to like it. Fucking so much power. So much power. Yeah, she's got so much energy. Sexy. I was just turned on by the whole thing. I really- Did you?

You got turned on? I just get- Like if she grabbed you by the back of your hair and just stuffed you in there, you'd be all good? Stuffed me down in her vagina? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of. I mean like Lizzozzo i would go down on lizzo would you a hundred percent and i've never gone down on a girl although it is kind

of on my bucket list it's on your bucket i want to be able to say i've done it it's not something i crave um but i'm going to do it at some point in my life good luck ladies whoever you are i have my eye on a couple yeah i hope they know uh yeah it's it's weird because i like do you not have like a male gaze do you what do you mean like you have your eye on them like if a guy has his eye on a girl it could be creepy if the girl's not into it like oh jesus here comes this oh right right oh here comes nicky trying to eat my pussy again fuck i i test the waters and i'm like have you ever like done anything with girl? Because I've never even done anything with a girl. So, I mean, I made out with my girlfriends in high school,

but that was before I even kissed a boy and I just wanted to kiss anyone. You just want to try it. Yeah. But since then, never fooled around with a girl. But there's some that I'm just like, I can't help that I'm attracted. I don't consider myself gay,

but I'm on the spectrum somewhere. I'm on that. I could do it. You're open-minded. And recently, I've been like, yeah, I need to eat some puss. Woo! Because I've never done it, and I expect men to do it to me. Right.

I think I should understand what it's like and be able to empathize. No guy thinks that straight about sucking a couple. Yeah, I know. I know. Like, hmm, maybe I should suck a couple dicks so I to empathize. No guy thinks that straight about sucking a cum. Yeah, I know. Like, hmm, maybe I should suck a couple dicks so I can empathize. Just because you could see what that's like. Just lick your own finger if you get some cum on it just to experience it. Okay. Maybe.

Maybe. What else is on your bucket list? I think that's it. And I really hope that I get this accomplished before I'm dying and 88 or something and my grandkids have to find a nurse to squat over my fucking bed. One thing. Or like you're old and rich and successful and some lady does not want you to eat her pussy,

but she does want a Gucci bag. I'll definitely be able to buy that bitch a Gucci bag. My face will look like one at that point. Yeah. Bucket list. Do you have any bucket list things? No. No?

No. You've already done them all? Yeah, I don't have anything. Everything I'm doing, I like to keep doing. I would like to be in a, I would like to be in love and loved back as much as I love. I would like to be in a loving relationship. At some point.

It doesn't have to last forever. But I know that sounds like. Sounds good. Yeah. And I don't think it might not happen. And I'm okay with that. Why wouldn't it happen? You're a nice person.

Because I could die young. Whoa. All right. You could. I could totally die young. Yeah. We could all get hit in the head by a meteor. Right now.

Come right down. Something could happen. An earthquake. Like, yeah. And then I would die without having a- Pussy. Pussy in my mouth. Anything else?

Or love in my heart. Love in your- Do you think you could ever be in a relationship with a woman? Yeah, probably. Really? Yeah. I mean, I really want a relationship with a man first. Yeah. What if she takes you around with a dog collar on your neck i mean i don't want to be a sex slave i only in the bedroom do i want to i want to i don't want to be one out and about not a sex slave

but in the bedroom yeah i'm down to be a fucking slave this woman wrote me recently because she knows that i'm into like bondage and stuff like that i saw that on your instagram yeah yeah i dig it it truly is i mean Legitimately? It truly is. I mean, I like it because it is forced laziness. Like I say in my joke, you can't do anything to a guy. And by the way, it's not that I don't like doing things to men. It's just that I feel like I'm not good at a lot of those things. I have bad rhythm.

So like jerking guys off or like sucking dick, I'd rather you do it to me. Sucking dick makes sense. It's really hard for a guy to suck his own dick but jerking off i used to have a joke about it like having a girl jerk you off it's like trying to brush your teeth with your left hand hilarious no matter what it's like you can't do it right yes you ever try to brush your teeth my right hand knows where every that's so true my right hand just fucking goes yeah it knows my left hand i cannot i gotta move my head to keep up with my brush. Yes, that's why I like when guys grab my head and just take the wheel. Take the wheel.

I don't know what you want, but I'm getting better at it. But I'm trying. I've had to give some blowjobs just out of like, I need to practice. When a girl can jerk you off, if a girl jerks you off, she's really good at it, you're like, Jesus, how many guys you jerked off? God, we can't win, can we? No, you can't. I love that you were going to go,

no, you can win. You just go, no, you can't. That felt really good. Thank you for acknowledging it. No, handjobs, I just... Well, I feel like fingering too like girls probably are like way better at fingering no get in there i love being fingered god it's the best jesus i love it um no difference in girls and guys girls have smaller hands like thick fingers

like a mason a guy who has a brick layerer. Get them up there. I don't know. Get them up there. Get them all up there. I don't mind it. I just like it because it just, I've never enjoyed masturbation with my own hand because I feel like it's like tickling myself. Like this does not make me laugh. But if anyone did that to me, I'd be like, ah! You know?

Right. It just, I can predict my own movement. What about toys? I do use toys, but I talk about one of my specials particularly that's amazing that sucks your clit. By the way, your special's out right now. Right now, banging on Netflix. Right now. What's it called?

Banging. Banging? Yeah. It's a good name. Yeah, thank you. I like it. Thanks a lot. I appreciate that. I worked really hard on it. I wanted to call it Fucking Men because it's about like fucking men, but it's also like about fucking men. But Netflix was like, no, that's we want children to watch. I'm like children.

I mean, they were just like, it's going to make it so like children, not children, but it might be more censored to different demographics of our audience. And I'm like, well, the people that couldn't handle that title shouldn't be watching it anyway right but whatever i'm glad banging works and also i'm going on tour i just want to say i'm going on tour january uh for my first theater tour the bang it out tour and tickets are on sale now and i really want people to go because it's going to be all new material anyway very excited when did you film i filmed in may in may oh that's a good amount of time. Yeah.

And I filmed another special, a 20-minute special for The Degenerates on Netflix that comes out in December. Damn, look at you. An hour and a 20-minute one. Yeah. Whoa, you're crazy. Yeah. I got a lot of material, man.

I'm just on the... People go, you have so much material. It's like, if I didn't, there'd be something wrong. I perform every night. I would be so bored if I wasn't cranking it out. I'm on I perform every night I would be so bored if I wasn't cranking it out that's the key right it really is it is I don't sit down and write last time I was here we went on over all your notes ever I think about you all the time because I'm like I need to organize my jokes better and go over them and I just I just can't do it

I just but I'm gonna try I'm gonna start i want to well why couldn't you i mean i could there's absolutely stop you i could may i no but but it's you know it would help right yeah i think it would help or no but i'm killing it as is look at you you know what i mean like why fix something that ain't broke like yeah my i could be better and that's the thing no one will ever know how good i could be if i actually tried as hard as i because i don't try as hard as i can people go nicky you work so hard and i'm like you don't understand how much i'm not working like i don't write down any joke it's all a one word in my notes i don't go i don't listen to old sets the only reason i record

sets i record every set it's so that if I die, tragically, that my parents can use my recordings and make money from my lost tapes. I truly, I gave my parents my cell phone password. Oh, that's hilarious. So that they can get in there and get them. That is hilarious. And make some money off me.

You know who I hear is a fucking crazy hard worker? It's Michelle Wolf. Oh, dear God, yes. I heard she writes two hours every day. I can't even be around her because she's always talking about jokes and it makes me insecure about not writing enough jokes. But you're hilarious

and she's hilarious. Like I said, yes. You do it your way, she does it her way. Our methods both work. It's all about how much time and focus you put on stand-up and there's probably a point of no return or diminishing returns where you can put too much work into it and then it feels flat and stale yes or overriding for sure there were a couple jokes i did on the degenerates taping that were brand new and i just did them not because i needed to but because i was like these are more exciting

to me than my old stuff let me just do it and then the next weekend i go on the road and the joke becomes even better. I add more tags or whatever. But then a week after that, I'm like, it's even better. I've added more and it's not better. The first version of it was always the best. And I'm glad I put that down because sometimes it gets too convoluted and you get away from the, I'm glad I got some of that stuff out there because sometimes the first time you

say it is the best. Sometimes. Sometimes. Most of the time for me, it gets better. Most of the time for me it gets better most of the time for me i get better versions of it okay the only um the only time that changes is when something is like really current like something happens that day and i go on stage about it that day right right yeah yeah the first time you say something is usually like you have the most energy for it maybe the second because you know it already killed once and then the second is usually yeah but for me it's the process always is getting the bit tighter and better it's it always gets better i've never it's

very rare that i have a bit and it's really good in the beginning and then after a few months i it flattens out usually just the tags get better. Yeah. I tighten it up. But especially when you're doing a lot of sets, you get a sense of how it works, how it doesn't work. As long as you're still feeling the feelings that you felt when you wrote it. Because that's when it can, if you can be doing it a really long time and then you're like, I'm just not even this person where this came from anymore. Yeah.

But Bill Cosby, I remember him on that comedian documentary saying that he writes a joke and he adds like one word. And then as soon as it gets not funny, he takes that word out and goes back to like. But he was also like raping everyone for like many years. It's hard to say what he was really thinking when he was saying that. Can't take him at his word. We were just talking about this, that some woman who's an attorney was saying that he may very well be the biggest serial raper in history. Yes. I mean, I don't know why I was excited about that.

I know, but it's goddamn crazy. It's a crazy thing to think. That Mr. Huxtable. And, you know, couldn't some of those women possibly have died from ODing? Oh, sure. I mean, it's not like he did a test on them to find out what health situations they have. What heart conditions they might have. Oh, yeah.

I mean, who knows what he's... People have adverse reactions to medication all the time. And back then, who knows what was in that stuff. Some women reported waking up being... They didn't know how many days had passed. They were dehydrated and disordered. I mean, they woke up near death you know so i'm guessing he maybe it was you know i wish he would tell the truth he won't he's not capable of it but i wish

he would tell the truth like i would love if like someone i mean he's so old now it's gonna be really hard because i'm sure he thinks about his legacy and he's full of shit, but I would love it if he could just say like what, what was going through his head when he would drug them? Like, did he think they were beneath him? Like what was it? He had to have, he had to have,

I think it's a, it's a celebrity thing because he always exhibited the weirdest parts of the celebrity situation. Like he felt above people and privileged i'll never forget he was interviewing ron wanda sykes interviewed him at some award show and he chastised her for the way she was talking to him and he was wearing sunglasses inside and he just had this arrogance about him like here's wanda sykes who's this hilarious comedian and she's great he should have been excited to talk to her.

But instead, he had this feeling that he was like this royalty, and he didn't appreciate her language or use of language. Meanwhile, he raped like 150 women. Like, what in the fuck? But that sort of, I am above everyone. Of everyone. You know, I worked at a casino and they told me that he would eat dinner and he wanted the entire staff in his dressing room to watch him eat. What? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the lady was really freaked out by it. She goes, he would have the entire crew, like everyone, door people, everyone, stand there while he ate curry. He would eat his food and then at night that was actually more entertaining than the act he was taking around at that time because i fell asleep seeing him one time which was ironic i really i he came to my college and i i fell asleep this is why you're in school though yeah but you're probably hung over probably actually to be honest but he would have to watch gross he also had uh the security guard tuck him in oh yeah he said this he wanted the security guard to tuck him into bed and then shut the

door and turn the lights out i mean you must see this though when people i've never seen that that seems like super extreme how do you stay grounded and not think you're better than other people it's pretty easy first of, I do jujitsu. I get my ass kicked. I do a lot of difficult things that I'm not good at. I think that's very important. Yeah. Do a lot of difficult things.

Yeah. But also, I just don't have that attitude. I've never thought that I was better than people. Right. I'm good at certain things, but it's all because of time and effort. Yeah. You know, which is one of the reasons why it's really important to do things that you're not good at and do difficult things because it reignites that part of your brain where you're learning things yeah instead of just tightening up what you already know you remember when you

first started doing stand-up and you were like so awkward at it like it's i remember i was terrible and i was clunky and every set like this could be an emotional fucking train wreck for me here we go and i was so nervous. Now, like, you know, I did a set Tuesday night at the comedy store. I go there. All my friends are there. We're all laughing and joking. I can't wait to get up there.

I got the material already. Everybody's there to see me. Like, hey, everybody, what's up? It's easy. So I do difficult stuff. A lot of difficult things. That's why sometimes I get violently high before I go on stage. Do you? As a new challenge.

Really? Because I'll be up there like, what the fuck are you saying? What are you doing? Violently high? Like, you know, to the point where it's like, I shouldn't be doing stand-up. But it gives me a new challenge because stand-up doesn't even raise my heart rate anymore. But don't you think that getting really high when you go on stage opens up some weird thoughts sometimes? Yes.

And those come in, they become new bits yes all the time well a lot of people that don't drink will listen to you go wait a minute wait a minute you're not sober so you get high what the fuck is that yeah you just substituted one addiction for another and i'll tell you yes i did yes i did because i can't i gotta have something i was i was totally sober for several years and it felt great. And I had the stamp of approval from the sober community. And I don't say I'm sober. I just say I don't drink. I'm very like, those words are important to me because people feel so betrayed when they're like, but you smoke weed.

I do it because it makes me happy. And it doesn't seem to, I quit drinking because it makes me happy. And it doesn't seem to... I quit drinking because it was affecting my career. My career is my most important thing in my life and my relationships. But weed has not negatively infected those to the point that I need to quit. As soon as it does, I'll be done. And I'll read The Easy Way to Stop Smoking Pot by a guy who's now dead. So that book doesn't exist.

Well, I think that pot is a different thing and for me um i like it because it makes me more sensitive makes me nicer makes me more friendly me too i have more of a sense of community like i want to hug people yeah i'm kind of very thoughtful when i'm high i'm i'm like you know you can call it paranoia but i'm i'm thoughtful i'm thinking i want people to be upset i want everybody to get along well. I want to compliment people. I want people to feel good. I like it.

But for this whole month, I'm not doing anything. Yeah. This is sober October. Right. So me and Ari and Bert and Tom, we have this thing. Yeah, oh, I know.

We do every October. And you're reading a book? It's on right now. Yeah, we read 500 pages. That's good. What are you reading? Bert can't read. Bert sitting down with a

book he's not reading is so hilarious i don't believe it he's see it's on the honor system so i think he's probably gonna throw an audio book on and just lie yeah you can't no i heard you guys talking about that no audio books because you can space out yeah it's like listening to a podcast no no no yeah he's got a he's got a eyes to page right and i want a book report i haven't even started i haven't started any book i'm listening to a bunch of books on tape which is most of the way i consume books but um can i recommend a book to you please okay get ready i'm ready it's called cupid's poisoned arrow and it's about how orgasms are ruining us and our relationships and our happiness and it talks about how i'm i'm all for this right now and it's a wild concept and i've only read three three chapters of this book so just i don't have all the information but what i do know

is that orgasms are this rush of like blood to whatever your your limbic system is all fired up when you have an orgasm and everything we do in our lives to like have stability and you know kind of lower anxiety and fight depression is about balancing that and not spiking it ever so orgasms are throwing us off constantly and we're not supposed to be having this many of them men men should um here's the thing though about men and orgasms is that they they want to run right after they come it's in your dna to get the fuck out of there. Because as a caveman, you can't make something pregnant twice. So once you came onto the next teepee to fuck the girl's cousin that you just... It wasn't about...

You weren't going to stay and cuddle. So that's why men want to fucking run. Let me tell you something as a man. Yeah. That's not really true. What? It's only true if you don't actually like the person. If you only attracted them and horny.

If you're only attracted to them and horny, but you don't like them as a person, yeah, once you come, you're like, oh my God, I gotta get out of here. But if you like them as a person, once you come, you're like, that was great. Then you just want to hang out. Trust me, I am actually a man. I do trust you, but I also think that you would want to hang out even more if you didn't come. That's not true. Really?

Yes. Here's my thing, though. I've had a lot of instances. This book spoke to me because I cannot trace what happens between a guy liking me and slow fading me than to an orgasm. You're an intense person. Okay. And you're very smart. You're also very ambitious.

And without any derogatory intent saying this at all, you're a lot of work. But it doesn't mean you're bad. It just means you're a powerful person. You got a lot going on. Yeah. You're intense. Yeah. You're thinking all the time. You know, you're a powerful person You got a lot going on You're intense You're thinking all the time You're questioning things

You question yourself You question this and that You're a lot of work And some guys just can't fucking deal And maybe the right guy can You gotta find the right guy This is my theory on human beings No one is for everybody There's not one person out there my theory on human beings. Like no one is for everybody.

There's not one person out there that's the perfect fit for everybody. But if you find someone who has your the right slots for your hands, like it fits in like this, then you're good. But if it lands like this, where they have two things like they have big tits and, you know, they like to fuck. But afterwards they're annoying and they talk too much. Fuck. It's not going to work. It's not going to work. Yes. It's not going to work.

But the problem is men, look, men are horny all the time. They're attracted to women, right? And then sometimes that horniness and that attractiveness, you get confused and think you actually like the person. And it seems like you're a liar, but you're not a liar at the time. I know, no. Before you come, you're being earnest. But then once you spooge, you're like, I got to get the fuck out of here.

This is just yappy, yappy, yap, yap, yap, nonsense talk. I got to get the fuck away. Yeah. And then some people. That's what I feel. Right. But it's you're meeting the wrong people. Some people would be perfect with the way you talk about stuff.

I'm so fun and funny. Yes. That's the thing. I'm like, what changed between us hanging out, you liked me, and then I sucked your dick, and now you don't watch my Instagram stories anymore? Okay, you can't ask someone to watch your Instagram stories. No, I'm not actually asking that, but it's like, that's an indication of someone likes you.

Why? Because, I mean, it just means that they're checking- I don't watch any of my friends. The people I love dearly. i don't watch any of my friends because people i love dearly i don't watch any of their fucking instagram stories because you're not you're not dating in on instagram so like if i was you would i know i wouldn't joe trust me okay i wouldn't maybe you're too busy but here's here's my but if you like that's how you show you like someone now no you call them up okay you call people yeah you hang out with them you show You like someone now No you call them up Okay I would love You call people

Yeah You hang out with them You're nice to them When you see them I don't want to watch you Fucking eat cake On Instagram And watch your fucking

Boomerangs with a fork Full of cake Yeah you're right I'm so not interested in that I'm busy Yeah I got shit to do And time is super valuable

For me I'm not watching Anybody's fucking instagram stories no one i watch them if i watch it's an accident that's how i know when someone likes me if a guy's face keeps popping up underneath my story and i'm like oh my god he's watching my stuff constantly that works i didn't even know that and a lot of times you can tell that someone's watched your instagram stories yeah so you can flip up on them and see who's watching and i'll speak to your point they're watching a lot of time watch them have on them and see who's watching. And I'll speak to your point. While they're watching or have watched them?

Have watched them. And now if a lot of times a guy will be too busy or I'll be too busy, but I need to let this guy know that I like him. So I'll just flip through them very quick. I won't even watch him, but I want my face to pop up so he knows I'm interested. It's just a way to be like, hey, I'm into you. And it's just a way to indicate. Now, it's happened to me with a couple guys that I've really liked that they're interested, and then after we hook up, no more.

And it's not because I wasn't good at what I was doing. I really don't think it's that. Why do you have an idea of what it was without asking? Well, I have asked, and a lot of times, or one time they've said and then i think it's actually tells me no a couple times actually i i get they're too vulnerable with me and then i've seen too much in terms of like they've let me in in a way emotionally that they've never let a woman in before and then they're like they're i remind them of the fact that they might have cried with

me or something and then they don't want to be around anymore that sounds like what i would say if i'm trying to get rid of somebody really yeah i don't think that's true oh shit yeah i mean if you really love someone and you really love being around them what do you care if you're vulnerable exactly if you do care about that you're some kind of a pussy That doesn't deserve To be in a relationship anyway Okay That could be it And they could Why is pussy a bad word?

Let's talk about that Pussy? Yeah Someone saying you're a pussy Like That's ridiculous Everybody That's straight

Males Love pussy Love pussy Right A lot of girls Love pussy They love their own pussy When someone calls someone a pussy i'm not thinking

about a vagina though that's why it's so screwy it's a screwy word yeah it's like we were talking about earlier like the with the use of words and cunt yeah yeah it's just but pussy's a weird one it's like it doesn't make any sense like like pussies aren't scared of you like it doesn't make any sense yeah i guess like i think cat i think pussy cat it's from came from pussy cat yeah but cats are just smart like get the fuck away from me yeah i don't know that doesn't make any sense. Yeah. I guess like a cat. I think pussy cat. It came from pussy cat. Yeah, but cats are just smart. Like, get the fuck away from me. Yeah, I don't know. It's not that they're scared.

That doesn't make sense. Yeah, they're not scared as much as they're wise. If they were your size, you would be fucked. Fucking freaked out. Fucked. I'm scared of cats the size they are. The reason why cats are scared is because they're little and you're big. Yeah.

If they were your size, they would fuck you up. That's what I always say about. It's a scaredy cat. Check a cat out with a squirrel watch what the fuck happens oh yes cats are murderers do you know how many fucking animals domestic cats kill in this country every year oh my god billions birds billions billions really billions yeah it's fuck it's a crazy number they're they're ruthless little animals yeah i love them i love cats I do too

I mean I've never had them But I got a sweet little buddy Named Prince Oliver He's the best He's a ragdoll cat You just pick him up And he just goes limp

Starts purring He's the best And does Marshall get along? Yeah he's fine Marshall gets along with everybody I know Everybody except squirrels Squirrels

Squirrels are his enemies Squirrels Yeah And my daughter has a rabbit That he tried to kill once. Oh, yeah. Not good. Rabbit got away, though.

Luckily. Good. Yeah. But now that rabbit's freaked out. Well, he had to be taught, like, hey, fuckface, you can't kill a rabbit. Okay. And he's like, okay, I didn't know. Thought it was just a rabbit rabbit.

I didn't know it was a friendly rabbit. I'm going to see some birds after this. Where are you going? An aviary? I'm going to go to a bird shop. Just a parrot shop my friend knows about. I was like, I need some. That's why I was so glad Marshall came in today.

I was like, I needed some. Animal love. Animal love. It's so therapeutic. You forget. You can hang out with him after the show. He's so good. I just want to snuggle with him.

He's great. Do you have any dogs or cats? I had two dogs that I gave to my parents because i moved to new york city and um moved to like a tiny apartment four floor walk up and uh i just started like wishing that they weren't alive which is like crazy because take them out every day yeah i was just resenting them and like finding myself being a little less kind to them not abusive ever but just not as like i love you it's just like every time i would see them and be like oh yeah i'm here to walk you like i was just a bitch around them and i and then my life was unmanageable and so uh with them and i was

paying so much money for dog walkers i wasn't even seeing them people coming in out of my house and then they were barking when i was gone they were just had didn't have good lives so i gave them to my parents and my sister. I'm going to see them this weekend but I loved them so much and I wish I had a job that could have dogs in it. I can't wait to like not be on the road so much

or have a family. Do you like working in New York? Do you like living and working in New York? I do, yeah. Do you like doing those sets, running around, doing short sets all over the place? Yeah, I like it.

Boom, boom, boom. But I do that here too when I'm here. Laugh Factory, Improv, Comedy Store. yeah like doing those sets running around doing short sets all over the place yeah i like it boom boom boom but i do that here too when i'm here laugh factory improv comic store so i could i want to be here and there i haven't decided yet but i'm back and forth um all the time you could get a yard i know that's when i had dogs and i was happy talking to whitney she's got a gang of dogs i know she's got like a giraffe a couple horses she's got horses she's got a gang of dogs i know she's got like a giraffe a couple horses she's got horses she's got a bunch of so many animals yeah i want whitney's life that whitney was the one that told me about that fucking no orgasm book whitney saved my life with not saved my life but like is changing my life with a book because i ran into her one time backstage and i

was like bitch how did you get engaged why are you so happy i've known you forever i've watched you from afar and even though you've like you were always just you know whitney and i met i moved to town in 2006 and i found her on myspace just she had some clip up and i watched her i was like she's funny as hell and i reached out and was like let's be friends we do the open mic circuit together and then we kind of went our separate ways and i watched her from afar and she was always like kind of struggling with men in the same way i was then all of a sudden she's engaged and happy and saving horses and I asked her one night recently I was like what did you do and she was like I read a book and it wasn't that book it was this other book called getting to I do it's such a humiliating title but it just teaches

you as a woman to like stop trying to run shit because we're so empowered as women now to be like i can have anything i want i want that i'm gonna get it and um it relationships don't work that way they sometimes do if you're a more masculine kind of woman which doesn't mean that you're going for a feminine guy yes it does well i mean it means you're going for a guy who is comfortable in the receiving role but most women want to have a guy chase them but us empowered women are running around like hey ask me out let's go out and it's like men don't fucking want that they like to chase yes that's what i'm saying those are the feminine men but not even feminine men some masculine men like strong women yes that's what

i'm looking for i realize that i definitely i can't put anyway this book just talks about how pick a lane feminine masculine figure out what you are and stick with it and don't try to be both in a relationship and it's uh it's changed a lot of my friends lives and mine really yeah just by being like okay i'm not gonna chase these guys anymore if a guy's not reaching out to me he doesn't like me wait for him to reach out to me. It's pretty much the whole concept of like, he's just not that into you kind of stuff. But it's just reminding women that men need to chase us in order to feel like they feel like men. Don't take the power away from them.

They're turned on by that. They want to earn our love and on by that they want to earn our love and our bodies they want to earn it don't just give it to them like such a generalization it it is but it's based in a lot of science the book getting to i do i really yeah this this doctor wrote this book and the title is fucking terrible wait a minute how could you have science in regards to emotional connections and relationship where's their science um i forget but i'm just gonna be honest with you i don't know how but there's evolutionary biology that establishes certain roles and there's a reason for certain roles

and why people pursue certain things and there's studies that have done that but the problem is these generalizations and they apply to one. If a girl's really hot and she's chasing a guy, guys are into it. It's not like- Maybe at first, but then they end up resenting it. Oh, I don't believe that. I do. Yeah, but I'm a man. But I'm a woman.

You've got to trust me. You've got to trust what I've- I'm a hot lady that's gone after some guys that don't deserve me. I don't know if that's what it is. I don't know if that's what it is i don't know if that's what it is i think you're intense and i think that's what scares guys off i think that's what it is okay but it's not that you would scare every guy off yeah just scare these guys that can't handle intensity yeah some people can't take spicy food yeah that's what it is okay that makes me feel better it's it's all about compatible personalities it's all about it i'm also deeply afraid of any kind of intimacy because i have i mean if you were really breaking it down i have low self-esteem which i'm working on and

ever you know a year sound like you have low self-esteem you call yourself empowered and hot and you say all these good things about yourself you're're out there killing it. I'm not as hot as I want to be or would kill to be. Literally kill. I would murder someone to be hotter. How many people? A couple. If I could get away with it. Okay, if you could look like Beyonce, how many people would you murder? Do I have to

do it by hand and do I get away with it? With a knife. You have to do it with a knife. If it's like Bill Cosby, yeah, easy. I could murder him Yeah But I would If I could like The box where you like

Press a button And five people die If this would be like An episode of Black Mirror If there was Just a room You go into a room And Bill Cosby's sitting there

With his fucking cataracts Yes And I give you this This knife Okay And I say listen We can make this happen but i need you to do something for me i need you to go in there and take care of this monster yes you think you could stab bill cosby yes and he literally is probably the only person that i could do that too what about harvey

weinstein i don't i mean yeah he's disgusting and yeah, probably. Yeah. If I give me the vanity fair about him, the like, let me refreshly read all the accusations. Like I need to have it with Bill Cosby. I just feel like there's been so many stories and I've really sunk my teeth into all of it. It's a different thing. But if you,

if you let me talk to a couple of victims and hear what he did, I mean, I could do it to so many people. I'm trying to think of a terrible person. But I don't like violence, and that does freak me. I'd rather just strangle him, have his eyes pop out even more. You think strangling him is less violent than stabbing him? I just don't like blood.

And even stepping on a cockroach, you have to hear it crunch. Yeah, I don't like that. What if you had to kill him with a sledgehammer? That's blood, too, and that's blunt blunt force i yeah i could probably do it could you oh yeah okay good i just want i don't want to be alone on this okay good bill cosby what if you rape one of my daughters oh my god easy to kill him easy easy i'd probably yeah i don't want to say what i'd do. Really? Come on. I'd do it slow and then I'd throw him off a roof.

Oh, yeah. I would actually go in and act like I was a fan. Really? And be like, can I run some jokes by you and have him lecture me? Whoa. And just earn a little bit of his trust. And then jump on his chest like a spider monkey. Yeah.

Fucking shank him him just fucking go to town yeah it'd feel good isn't it crazy that five years ago no one would ever think that oh i did oh just kidding this is all pre-rape um my feelings with him no you're right i mean that would be what an insane conversation right Right. To have, like, to. Imagine having this conversation in 2009. No. I want to kill Bill Cosby. People are like, what the fuck is wrong with you? He's America's dad.

There's someone right now that we could be having this conversation about that we. That we don't know? That we don't know. I don't think anybody is like that guy. Not like that. Because I heard about that guy in 1994 when I was on news radio, when I was on a sitcom. They were talking about Bill Cosby drugging people. And I forget who was having the conversation, but they were like, Bill Cosby drugs people.

And I was like, what? Like, yeah. Like, it was like inside Hollywood talk. Like, on the set, they were saying that someone knew someone who Bill Cosby drugged. He drugs women and has sex with them. I was like, what the fuck? He wrote jokes about it. Yes.

He talked about it on late night TV about slipping a Spanish fly into someone's drink. Yes. He wrote an episode of his show where he was at a barbecue and there's something in the barbecue sauce and the girls are kind of like... Yes.

Yes. Isn't that crazy? Dude, you know what's been happening to me? Is that... So I have been talking like you know talking with guys texting with guys um facetiming like all these long distance stuff because i'm scared of intimacy whatever and um i've been having these like really intimate moments with men where it's like our our relationship reaches that like oh this might be something let's maybe meet up and

we make plans and i find out the next day they were, and I think they're like maybe on my way to be my boyfriend. And they were on Ambien and they don't remember any of it. I've been Ambien a couple of times. And I don't think, and by guys that I'm like, they don't have a drinking problem. I'm finally engaging in like a sober relationship or sober-ish. And then they don't remember anything.

And I'm like, we made plans to go to Mexico together. Like you, this is Priceline. I can't get a fucking refund. Kevin James made dinner when he was on Ambien. Dude. And then thought someone broke into his house. Like he went to the store and got like a turkey and cooked it, made mashed potatoes stuffing graving they did the whole thing cooked yeah and then woke up in the mornings and they were like

what did you do last night you cooked he's like what the i didn't fucking cook like he really thought someone broke into his house and cooked dinner that stuff's horrible yeah it's so bad guys waking up in relationships with me and they're like, they didn't know it. They're ready to go to Mexico. Like, what? What's my passport doing out? They, I don't like you like that. And then I'm like, well, we, and I go to sleep with like butterflies in my stomach. I'm like, God, we finally connected tonight.

Something happened. He finally saw what I saw the whole time. And the next day I'll make like, I'll kind of like be like, so last night, like one day, one guy, we had phone sex for the first time. We the next day I'll make, I'll kind of be like, so last night, one guy, we had phone sex for the first time we were like, and it felt like real sex. Sometimes it can feel very connected, phone sex or FaceTime, Skype sex,

whatever it is. How far away did this guy live? Middle of the country. Oh, okay. Yeah. And I was in New York. I thought you were going to say midtown. Midtown.

I was like why don't you just get in an uber this is crazy i heard mid i was like oh my god please don't say midtown yeah and we we finally like got naked together on the and i was like oh my god like this is and it was never really sexual before that. Like there was little flirty things, but I was like, when is this guy going to make a fucking move? And like, and he did, but he was on Ambien and blacked out. He didn't remember any of it.

Not even a second. I was so pissed because the next day I went into work, I was skipping around. I was like, dude, I told all my girlfriends, like I met a a guy like this guy is like the guy that i've been talking to them about i have a radio show so every morning i go in and like debrief my producers and i'm like last night we like hooked up and it's happening and um and then i talked to him later on and he was just like wait what are you talking about i was like and he goes i don't really i didn't even know we talked last night it It was, it just sucked. And then it happened to me recently again.

There's a lot of people on that shit. A lot. I did it recently. My friend gave it to me because I, I guess I shouldn't say that, but my, I took some and. I guess I shouldn't say that. You shouldn't say that. Just don't say the friend's name.

Yeah, okay. You're all right. Okay. Some fucking asshole gave you Ambien. Some? I was working with Bill Cosby. I didn't even mean to. He was my friend.

Because I was just having a really rough time. I did the roast of Alec Baldwin, and I was not getting enough sleep, which I know you guys were talking about the other night. Sleep is fucking everything. And I had a meltdown and I had a Netflix taping to do the next night. My friend was like, take this ambient. You're not going to sleep otherwise.

And I took it and it, and I took Instagram off my phone. I took Twitter off my phone. I cleared my room of food. Cause you don't know what's going to happen. Got the best night's sleep of my life though. You took all those things off your phone. Oh yeah. I was like, I don't know what's gonna happen got the best night's sleep of my life though you took all those things off your phone oh yeah i was like i don't know if i'm gonna get racist when i do ambient what if that is what causes him i don't know what can happen

you planned that far ahead you took instagram off your phone so my ambient state would have had to go into the app store redownload it type in my you know like a lot of things yeah all right that's a very clever thing. That's very smart of you. I don't want to get canceled yet. I mean, someday I will want to get canceled. Do you think so? Yeah, because that's such a-

Rise again? Like a phoenix? No, not even to rise again. To be like, good, I'm out. I'm going to go start my bird rescue or whatever the hell. You know? Yeah. That'll be, I'll be okay.

It's very difficult to get comics canceled unless they're doing something i know you gotta get i mean even aziz which i think he got a fucking terrible deal like what happened with him was terrible it sounded like a bad date it sounds like one person's account of it and he didn't give his account of it and you know he just tried to stay uh supportive of me too and all that jazz but that guy got devastated oh that was really got wrecked by that i mean yeah really wrecked and his special is a great indication of it you see his recent special it's like a giant apology i haven't seen it yet but i mean he's a funny guy and he didn't get canceled he's still doing shows and everything but as is louis ck he's

still doing shows but those guys are an example louis more so right he's an example because people are protesting no one's protesting aziz you know he had a bad date yeah but no but louis to this day still getting protested like he's still like people show up at his shows they print every time he does a show somewhere they print articles who cares He's fine I don't care You don't care about him Or you don't care I just like He's fine

He'll be fine Yes I mean like But emotionally Sure You don't care I just Like

Emotionally I think he's gonna be fine I think it's all Like You're gonna upset some people They're gonna protest But it's not gonna affect Your're going to upset some people. They're going to protest, but it's not going to affect your ticket sales or how much people love you. And he knows that.

And he's going to be quite all right. It's not the people that do love him. It's the people that hate him. It's like, there's always going to be a certain amount of people that do love you. Even if you're a terrible person. Yeah. If you're like,

look, Donald Trump is one of the things that's fascinating about him to me is that he's the king of the assholes. Like he's a self-avowed asshole. It's very obvious that he's an asshole. And then other assholes are like, finally we've got an asshole speaking for us. And they want to wear sunglasses inside and yell shit. I mean, this is what he attracts, right?

So even if you're an asshole, you're going to get a bunch of people who love you. That's just if you're in a public eye. People choose cult leaders, right? They don't choose them for their positive qualities. They get sucked into this idea of this person liking them and being on a team with this person. And if that person's a strong person, it's even more intoxicating. Donald Trump's a strong person. Celebrities are strong people.

Celebrities are famous. Like, you know, everybody hates you, Louis, but I support you. You're going to have those no matter what you've done. There's people out there that still, that show up at R. Kelly's trial and they have post signs and say, we support you.

Those bitches knew what they were in for. Really, this is something that's going on right now to this day. It's because people get incredibly drawn to someone who's in a position of fame and power like like a donald trump or or anybody and louis is one of those too so it's it's not that the people who love him don't always love him and people love louis before and they forgive him for what he's done but there's going to be people that don't and those people that don't they write articles and just like if he reads them it just like burns on you it hurts you it's like and he's a super

sensitive guy yeah all this stuff like it's like he's gonna be fine yes but it's still it's not devastating yeah but didn't he cause a little bit of devastation in some people's lives perhaps for sure so for sure eye for an eye and and i really think like the the women the angry people who don't like him and aren't going to shows wouldn't have gone to them anyway and yeah it's gonna hurt to get that google alert for your name when when you know you gotta turn off that feed one out of 10 articles is maybe negative about you but he's doing all right i mean like i talked to him i after it one night at the Comedy Cellar. And he told me some examples of things that have been said to him in public.

Like, because I just asked him, I was like, what has it been like for you? This is right when he came out of hiding. Right. And he told me some stories of things that had happened in public where a woman once whispered in his ear, you fucking piece of shit. Like, you know, he like at a you know he's at a store or something and then another one where just a woman blatantly in the street was like fuck you you know and it was like oh my fucking god this is a nightmare for you walking outside your house and i'm like just so this is oh no those are only two times of the whole year and i was like oh

okay well that seems manageable and he goes he says but 10 times a day people are still asking for my picture and autograph so it's pretty good so i don't think he's suffering that much and i don't think he deserves to suffer that much i'm just saying i think as many people hate him as maybe would have anyway because no one can be famous for too long without people hating them well you know what he said a big one was a big one was that parkland thing that joke that he made oh yeah that got released he said that that really really that really fucked him up the response to that because it was after you know he had just starting to stand up again after 10 months off and then he did that joke about the parkland survivors about like why are they interesting and because you pushed a fat kid in front because you survived like yeah you're

laughing see it's a fucked up thing that someone would say at a comedy club when you take that out of context i know then people get angry at it but that is a classic louis ck line i mean that sounds exactly like we would have celebrated him for it before this whole thing. 100%. But now he's walking a fine line. He can't. Also, the very beginnings, the embryonic stages of a bit. And that bit could have been a monster bit.

Totally. Yes. You're so right. That was the first incarnation of that. Yeah. No stand-up at all for 10 months. And then he's got this bit. And he's working on it.

And he's got an angle. The angle is, why are we, these survivors survivors just because they survive doesn't mean they're interesting that's that is true love it it is true great bit it could have been an amazing bit but some fuckhead had to record it and then put it on youtube and then you got guys like judd apatow yelling out about it like as if this is like louis final statement on the subject and it's this especially by other comics like that i i found that whole thing to be so fucked up it's like you know what a bit is yeah and you know when someone's trying like don't you ever try out new bits man i've said some stuff on stage where i even say to the crowd listen that didn't

come out right that was the first don't please don't tell anyone that i just said that well you all be just cool of course so i i definitely understand that and i understand saying things that make people feel really sad and angry and they feel hurt by it and they write mean things to me saying that i've hurt their feelings and it feels shitty and when people hate you it feels so i do feel for him that way i do yeah and i that's why i asked him like what is it like like yeah you're the most beloved and then you were hated i mean that's gotta fucking suck it's gotta and he said he would have gone done that he would have gone to africa to disappear or whatever you know somewhere to disappear but his kids he couldn't leave yeah and so he just had to sit around with it so i mean it's

super hard i sympathize or i can empathize with that for sure um and that would suck and i'm not immune to getting fucking canceled i'm sure i've said shit before that she's waiting to resurface you said shit on that roast oh my god I'm scared to do the roast. I was like, this stuff isn't going to age well with how we're going. You know? Yes. It's scary. You went hard in the paint.

Oh, dude, I was supposed to go so much harder, too. Yeah, I had to cut a lot of jokes. Why'd you have to cut a lot of jokes? Because Caitlyn Jenner didn't want us talking about her car crash. Jesus Christ. That was like the bulk of my material. Don't be here. I know. She didn't even know talking about her car crash so jesus christ that was like the bulk of my material don't be here i know she didn't even know that it was possible that we were gonna do that oh my god i was like how would she not think that i know uh comedy central told me they're like listen we

don't think caitlin knows that those jokes are coming and i was like will you tell her or will someone give her a heads up like and they're like we don't want to alert her because she might not want to do it now so who decided to not do the jokes i was doing the jokes around town to get ready for it like i was going like caitlyn jenner uh such a beautiful woman you killed with your car four years ago you know stuff like that right um i loved you on keeping up with the car crash hands just like different things um uh i love that you um i love that you're a woman that can't menstruate yet you still manage to have blood on your hands like great jokes and can't menstruate you can't menstruate menstruate menstruate yet you still manage yeah you can't

get your period but you still manage to have blood on your hands and um and i was doing it and they were like my favorite jokes of my set they like did this like worked the best i was working the setup for like a month before and um who told you to not do them well comedy central strongly advised me not to they never said you can't they've never said that to me which is decide not to because caitlin jenner heard the morning of they had a call with her the morning of the roast that she had heard apparently someone's doing jokes about me and my car crash and if if they do if i hear the single that was a very devastating thing that happened to that family and a woman lost her life and if if there's a joke about it i will walk and it would have been awesome that's what i told gami central that would have been awesome

before i heard this i was like if she gets upset because they were like if she gets upset there might be a moment where you know she the cameras go to her and the problem is i was going first and i was doing all the jokes about the car crash now if i would have upset her first off then the whole show is thrown off and it's weird in the room i said it wouldn't be great bad press is good press it's gonna get written up so much more you guys come on you should have said yeah yeah yeah whatever and just went up and did it i was going to joe i was they go just don't put the jokes in the prompter because then they haven't signed off on it i'm going rogue you know so go rogan so i um so i went up or so i that morning i woke up and i was still kind of like maybe i'll do a softer version of those jokes i was gonna i was gonna mess tweak them a little bit i was

gonna say caitlin jenner what a beautiful woman you accidentally killed with your i was gonna add the word accidentally yeah just to like soften it and make it more factual yeah yeah um and then comedy center called and they said that she had said she'll walk and that's when i decided i'm not gonna do it i don't want this woman to walk off stage i don't want it i don't want to really i just think it's so strange that we're calling her a woman really i love it i love the chaos of it like i just love this woman like oh yeah it's not a man anymore i'm so proud of myself when i don't even have to think about it anymore because for a while it was like make sure you say woman make sure you say she's the worst example of it because she's such a dummy like when when she talks it's just like it's so it's like

disappointing like i wish you had more insight on it There's women that transition That are brilliant The other day Dumb men begin transition to women And then they're suddenly like These amazing women But they were like a dumb guy He was a dumb guy He was a male Kardashian

And then all of a sudden he's like celebrating The greatest woman of all time The wonder woman of all time i won the woman of the year you know what but the best purpose that he serves she serves for though is kyle dunnigan's instagram feed oh my god when kyle does it that's another thing that comedy central cut out comedy central was doing a kyle dunnigan show where it was all like face swap shit yeah and uh he had a bit where Caitlin was fucking Donald Trump and she was on top of Donald Trump.

It was goddamn hilarious. He was showing it to me. Yeah. I was in the green room of the Comedy Store crying. I mean, crying loud. And he's like, Comedy Central cut that.

I'm like, no! These two, they can't do it. What? I'm like, what are you talking about? I know. You got a face swap show. No one was naked. She was just on top of Donald Rodney.

That show would have been so good. He's genius. He's genius. Genius. The funniest part. One of the funniest people I'll ever know. For sure the funniest ever Instagram feed. Yes. Agreed. For sure. Yes. His Instagram feed is a monster. Kyle Dunnigan. Yep. I go to it every couple of days

because it takes a while for him to create those things. Yeah I know. That's how he's doing it every day. Oh, I get so excited when he puts a new one up. Oh, my God. He's a monster. Him and Tim Dillon on there make me laugh a lot. Yes. Yes.

Yeah. Tim Dillon's awesome. When he does Meghan McCain. He's so fucking funny. And because Tim is gay, because he's like this, he looks like he'd be a frat boy, but then you find out he's gay, he's like, whoa, you can get away with a lot more. Yeah, he really can. He is great. And he's sober, which is crazy. Yep. Because can get away with a lot more. Yeah, he really can. He is great.

And he's sober, which is crazy. Because you're like, this guy's got to be on hard drugs when he's doing that Meghan McCain impression. Yes. You're like, what kind of drugs is this guy on? Nothing. God, you're so right. He's on air.

He's just breathing air and drinking water. And he's keto now. Oh, yeah, he's keto. So he's not even eating bad food. Oh, my God. Yeah, well, he got freaked out by a couple people's health issues. He's got a new one. What is he doing? Oh my God, this is

so horrific. I want to thank Beachbody for making me their spokesperson. I've been using their products since the beginning and I'm a triathlete. He's lost a lot of weight though. Yeah, good for him. Good. Look at him, keto. So he got scared? You said? Well, yeah, I mean, you know, he's very heavy. He's a big guy. He's lost a lot of weight, though. Yeah, good for him. He's getting slimmer. Good. Look at him, keto. So he got scared, you said? Well, yeah, I mean, you know, he's very heavy. He's a big guy.

He's very heavy. And, you know, he just realized he's a fucking Meghan McCain. Give me a Meghan McCain. Yeah, please. As the only gal on the panel who held up a Boston market this weekend, I'm going to talk a little bit about guns, okay? A lot of people in the media have never shot a gun, and they've certainly never masturbated with one.

They have no idea what the fuck they're talking about. My gun's not for sale, but my pussy is. And the price is P.F. Chang's. My father and his friends used to hunt me in the backyard. I would run around and they'd shoot at me. And my father said, if we hit her, the only thing that's going to come out is whipped cream. He was hilarious.

The AR-15 is the most popular gun in America. And it's the only thing that's ever made me come i like guns and i put them in my pussy you don't tell me what guns i can own or what people he's fucking nuts and he's seen that oh yeah you know it you know she's seen that poor megan to have seen that yeah yeah oh my god he yeah he's oh we were talking about uh the so anyway i just decided not to do the jokes because i didn't want to upset her and it was it sucked because it would have been nice to know leading up to that right because i was preparing but yeah yeah who cares i just didn't want to i don't want to make people feel bad i'm gonna walk yeah come on what do you expect i mean you had alec baldwin's

fucking daughter come up and tell jokes about what a horrible daddy is i know and you can't you can't own up to the fact that you crashed into someone yeah so what did did you make any jokes about her oh yeah i um i said uh i just made fun of the fact that she was a terrible father at one point and like abandoned one of our families to go do a reality show so i really leaned into that she did yeah she had brody jenner and a couple others who the fuck is brody yeah he's the most famous of her sons oh yeah but she had a whole family before the kardashians that like she didn't watch grow up even though they were just like the road, down the PCH.

Really? Yeah. Do you know that for a fact? Yeah. It was an episode of the Kardashians where she was like, I wasn't around for your lives. But she was so nice.

When I was doing the jokes, she was so happy about all the jokes about her abandoning her family. She was like, I love them. Oh, it's the death one that she has a problem with. Yeah. It was weird because it happened during death one that she has a problem with yeah yeah because that was it was weird because it happened during the celebration of her becoming a woman yeah she

was right in the thick of the transition and they had a settlement she settled i think there was some kind of fault who knows accidental but she did not want to relive it who would right but listen i had a guy with my car once did you yeah i almost killed him it was terrible was he walking um no he did not walk right after i mean on the street when you hit him garbage man picking up collecting across the street jumped out from the car didn't see him i was 16 just had gotten my license and he flew up on the hood and flew into the grass i thought i killed him and it was terrifying and he sued me four years later right under the statute of limitations and i had to go to court and then it came out on the stand that he was a child

molester and so i won whoa yeah i'm just kind of fucked karma yeah yeah you're the right person you picked the right fucking person to hit with a car. Holy shit. He's a child molester. Have you ever almost killed someone? No. No, luckily. Fuck. Fuck, that's crazy.

Yeah, it's made me a better driver. Although, one time in a fight, in a martial arts fight, I knocked this guy out. He never got up. And I started thinking that that could be me. Because they took him away to the hospital. And I went back to talk to my instructor. And he wasn't there. It was in Anaheim, California.

And I was living in Boston. We flew back to Boston after the tournament. And he said to me, I heard you had a really good knockout, you know, with his thick Korean accent. And I said, yeah. I go, it was really scary because he never got up i go i mean i thought he was dead and he goes sometimes they die jesus he just walked away like he used to train troops in vietnam like he was like an intense guy and i was like sometimes they die holy shit i'm them them is me whoa i could die i was 19 and i remember i never thought about

the same way again i never never thought about hitting someone the same way again because it was one of those but like sometimes you hit someone and it's like a perfect shot like the you hit him they were running it he was running toward he was coming at me and i kicked him with something called a wheel kick where it has a crazy amount of power. You spin around and you hit someone with the heel of your foot. It's a hard, my heel hurt for days. Jesus. I was limping, walking from hitting his head.

Yeah, it was rough. Have you ever been hit in a way that you're like, that could be? No, no, no, no. I've been dropped and I've been rocked and I've definitely been hit, but I've never been knocked unconscious and not like that. That was a bad one. He was like face planted. He was snoring. I've been dropped and I've been rocked and I've definitely been hit, but I've never been knocked unconscious and not like that. That was a bad one. He was like face planted.

He was snoring. I've seen a lot of people get knocked out like that. Have you checked on him recently? I have no idea who he is. Wow. I have no idea what happened to him. You gave him CTE probably. 100%. He murdered his whole family at this point.

No. 100% he got brain damage. What? 100%. What? 100%. Whoa? 100%. Whoa, Joe. There's no way he didn't.

Oh my God. There's no way he didn't. But could that happen to you? Of course it could have happened. Absolutely. Could it happen to you now in the way that you're fighting? I don't do it anymore. I do jujitsu now.

Right. But jujitsu is not striking. Jujitsu is not, it's not like kick. And this was not like sparring. This was a fight. This was in the U.S. Nationals. Wow. I was the Massachusetts state champion and he was a champion.

I think he was from Illinois. And so he was the Illinois state champion. Did you get like so much pussy back then from winning fights where they're like groupies? No, there was no groupies. No? No. I got the opposite of pussy. I was always training. wasn't oh yeah yeah i

wouldn't even have sex with my girlfriend in the the dojo i wouldn't like she because it was sacred and i was teaching there so like once she was horny and she was trying to hook up with me like i was i had to go up there to do something clean or something i forget what i had to do but she was trying to i'm like i can't like don't like this not, we can't do this here. This is never going to happen here. Which is like, I would fuck her in an alleyway. I would have fucked her on a bus if no one was looking.

But not in the dojo. Not there, no. It's actually in Korean, it's called dojang. They would call it dojang. But, no,

I didn't get any pussy. I mean, other than my girlfriend at the time. And then, when you start comedy, like so much. Yeah. Dude, it's crazy. That was the time. And then when you start comedy, like so much. Yeah. Dude, it's crazy.

That was the crazy thing. It's like, like all of a sudden girls actually like me, like instead of me liking them and them rejecting me, because I was basically a loser. You know, even though I was like a successful martial artist, I had no money and no future prospects and there was no promise to me. You know, it's like, where's this guy going? Did you see this for yourself eventually like not exactly this obviously but like no just being happy successful did you you really felt like a loser like what the fuck am i gonna do yeah wow i used to have

extreme social anxiety believe it or not like how did that manifest itself i was telling people about like um the bank teller thing was a weird one for me i always got super nervous talking to bank tellers i gotta be in line there's like three people in front of me i'm like three more people i'm gonna talk to the lady wow two more people i gotta talk to the lady you know i get weirded out i'd get i had pretty extreme social anxiety i think i just didn't have good self-esteem i just thought i was a loser and then what made you do stand-up um well i had friends from my martial arts days that talked me into it and said you were funny and because i would make them laugh when we were on our way to like competitions everybody was so nervous you know because these are full contact tournaments and people got knocked unconscious all the time like

my friends got knocked unconscious all i mean i've seen so many people get fucked up and uh everybody would be tense so i would be the guy who broke the ice i would be making everybody it was like gallows humor i'd make everybody laugh yes and then my friend steve who i'm still dear friends with this day um he steve graham he said you should be a comedian and i was like there's no way man you think i'm funny because you're my friend. I go, the things that I think are funny, everybody else is going to think I'm an asshole. Like, it's just fucked. My sense of humor was fucked up. But he talked me into it.

And then I went to an open mic night. And then I realized that, oh, open mic nights, everyone sucks. Like, you're just trying to start out. Like, we're all amateurs. So my thought was like, well, at least i won't be as bad as the worst guy you know i'll probably be better than the worst guy so maybe i could try this and then i went up and i did it and then once i did it once i knew i was going to do it when did you stop feeling like a loser a couple weeks ago yeah even then i'm not convinced do you secretly feel like do you

do you are you insecure still are you do you struggle with self-esteem at all no currently not really not anymore but i used to definitely have uh imposter syndrome you know like even when things are really good like i'd go to a sold-out theater and like they'd introduce my name and like as i was walking out and people were cheering i'd be like this is not real yeah this does not seem real i'm tricking these fucking people once again yeah you know and even when it was over i'd be like oh tricked them again you know yeah it's weird it's i think that's healthy though because the idea of being a famous person or being a celebrity it's it's a crazy state that doesn't it's not supposed to

exist you're not supposed to be able to go to a place where 10 000 people have paid money to hear you talk for an hour i mean that is fucking bananas that doesn't exist in nature it's not a normal state for a human being to be able to manage so if you thought like that's normal and you deserve it and it's not special and strange then i think that that would be weird right like to think it's special and strange always but appreciate it i think that's the way to do yes appreciate it so i mean i know i can do it but the reason why i know i can do is because i do it all the time and i work really hard at it yeah so i know i show up then i know i have my act ready i know i'm prepared i don't take it lightly yes it means a lot to me if you've i feel the same way if i've

worked hard enough i feel like i deserve it but if i'm if i don't if i've had a lazy week and i'm performing and i'm making big bucks for a big deal and i haven't even looking at looked at my set list or just i feel guilty and i feel impostery the way that i combat imposter syndrome is like i had a therapist one time say who do you think that you are that you can fool all these people you think these people are that stupid and you're so smart and you're tricking all of them so i try to remind myself of that like when i think these audience this audience doesn't fucking know how untalented i am they're just here because they think i'm something i go who do you think you think you're smarter than these people these are smart people they know what they like well your audience is smart people but let's be honest there's a lot of dummies

out there that have a big audience they've tapped into a whole river of fucking idiots yes that's that's real too yeah the idea that just because you have a lot of people coming to see you that you're really good that's nonsense no you have to be good people always are like other comedians are so mad at comedians who are hacks that have huge followings. And I'm like, dumb people need to laugh too. It's like dumb movies. Yeah, sure. Dumb movies.

Everyone needs entertainment. How many Maeda movies are there? Oh, yeah. There's like fucking 80 of them. Right? Yeah. You ever try to watch one of those things? No.

Give you brain damage. Yeah. Yeah, it'll change your life. Have you actually tried? Yes. Yeah. We should watch some clips. Yeah. You ever try to watch one of those things? No. Give you brain damage. Yeah. Yeah, it'll change your life. Have you actually tried? Yes. Yeah. We should watch some clips. Yeah.

I mean. But there's movies that are like, look, I don't mean to pick on that guy. I mean, he's doing great. Used to be a homeless person. Now he's got a star on the Walk of Fame. Yeah. Congratulations to him. It's not my kind of movie, but obviously a lot of people love it. There's a lot of movies that are for little kids that if you watch them they're terrible like i watch kids i watch

movies with my kids and i was like jesus christ this movie is awful and they're like yeah it's not for you it's for nine-year-olds they think it's hilarious so not everything's gonna be for you and i think yeah i just have to instead of getting mad like why is that person so successful i just go well their audience needs that. And they're not going to enjoy you. They can't. And not because they're not smart enough. It's just like, I don't speak to them and I can't speak to everyone. And that's frustrating. Wondering why other people success or wondering why other people are successful is the refuge of losers. Yes. a loser mentality it's a loser occupation it's a it's a it's a loser practice because you're wondering why other people are successful like who gives a fuck you can say

you think it sucks but to spend time wondering why someone is successful and hating on someone being successful it doesn't do any good it's like what is that old expression that jealousy is it's a poison that does the opposite of its intended oh it doesn't affect the other person at all but it poisons yourself yeah it wastes your your energy and time it just is so it's so indicative that you are insecure yes it's like people don't realize how what a giveaway that is when they are talking shit you're just like oh this is just showing me's like people don't realize how what a giveaway that is when they are talking shit you're just like oh this is just showing me that you fucking don't like yourself well i figured out there's something that i figured out personally and that um i i try to relay this and i try to be more clear and more concise the way i relay it the way i look at it is that your mind you have a

certain amount of bandwidth this is why i don't read Instagram comments or Twitter comments or YouTube comments. I don't have any time. If I read them, it's an accident. But to seek them out, you have bandwidth. I don't spend time wondering why I hate things or hating things or hating on someone or being jealous. You have, let's say, let's call it units. You have 100 units of bandwidth in your mind. things or hating on someone or being jealous you have let's say let's call it units you have a hundred units of bandwidth in your mind so that means there's a hundred units that you can spend

on things you care about or you could let your mind be occupied by some stupid fucking twitter feud that you're in with some idiot that you don't even know and you could spend 30 percent of your twitter bandwidth or your your your mind bandwidth on. And then you only have 70% for the things you love. And then maybe you're involved in some fucking relationship with someone who's an idiot. And you're arguing back and forth with them. Well, there's another 30% that's gone. Now you have 40% left. You have 40% for the things you love instead of 100%.

But if you only concentrate on the things you care about that mean something to you and learn how to do that, like you were talking about meditation. Yeah. It's a form of meditation. Yeah. Because you're learning how to avoid the little road bumps and the ditches on the side of the road. That can suck your bandwidth. Yeah, it can suck your bandwidth in. You can give them just a little bit and go, okay, no, no, no.

Or you could lean in. Like how you're saying when you stopped drinking, all of a sudden your career took off. You started doing well. More bandwidth. You had more bandwidth. And you had less problems. This problem that you had that was rotting you away no longer existed. So now all of a sudden it frees up your time and you realize, oh my God, there's so many funny things that I could talk about.

And I have so much energy and I'm so healthy. I could just go on stage and have fun and then you're killing it. When was the last thing that you go, no, no. Like you maybe gave it a little too much bandwidth. Do you still struggle with those things? No, I don't. Not really anymore. But it's been a gradual process.

Like remember the first. You had to have been a jealous dude in stand-up. Like when you first started out, you had to have hated the guy that was getting ahead. Like, right? I don't know any male comic. I definitely was in the beginning. And what happened to that? You get successful and it didn't happen?

No, no. I feel like success. Before I was successful, I realized it was stupid. Long before. Because when I was like an amateur, I would see guys that were killing and I'd be like, fuck him. Like, why is he doing good? Like, that guy sucks.

And this guy sucks and this guy sucks and you know how come he got this and he got that and then i remember thinking like this is a gigantic waste of time and i got into comedy because i'm a fan of comedy and my concentrating on people that suck or being jealous about people that are doing well does me zero good but instead if someone does well i can be inspired and i can get fired up by it i mean i figured this out my early 20s i was like okay this is i have a poor way of looking at it because it's a martial arts thing because in martial arts like you can't be jealous of someone else's ability you have to realize you might have to fight them someday so by realizing that they're

really good you you're forced to be objective about it and you have to go to work like you have to go fuck that guy's better than me i gotta get better and you have to go to work right you there's no there's no positive benefit in underestimating someone underestimating someone will get you fucking killed like literally yeah a shin smashed in your face like you don't want to convincing yourself that the things that you're jealous of them for aren't really as good right that will get your that will get you killed oh yeah so that's that's it dude that's totally it because the things that i get jealous of or have and i'm better about it now than i've ever been but you know you see other women i mean my jealousies are always with other women it's just the way it

is like and i have to fight it and i'm really good about it now to be like actually inspired by women who are funnier than me but that's awesome but and to use it to be like okay then i need to be better i need to get up to that level that is i need to go home and write it like fires me up as opposed to like why and it's powerful for everybody it's powerful for them it's powerful for you yes it's like there's no negative aspect to it it's like you should be thankful that there's women out there that make you feel uncomfortable yeah like when i see someone just murder on stage fuck i want to go to work yeah right i want to get home and write yeah i want to i want to go perform i'm like fuck that guy just killed her holy shit she just crushed she's out there killing it and he's he's doing so good

it makes me want to work harder and in that sense as long as someone's not doing anything bad as long as someone's not victimizing someone what they're doing is they're they're they're they're showing you that it's possible to do better than you're doing yeah and that's good you need to see you need to know that the second you get comfortable and you think you're the best then there's nothing to well you i'm sure you've gone into a town and like there's local comedians and there's like a guy who's like a funny local guy and he's terrible because the community sucks yeah because there's no one there there's no one pushing them fucking need each other that's why new york has so many killers that's what happened la has so many killers. That's what happened. And LA has so many killers.

Because there's so many of us. Whenever I go back and forth to different coasts, it's like you just, the styles are so different. But like when I moved to New York, you had to follow Dave Attell. You're gonna rise. Yeah, you have to.

You have to or you're gonna drown. Yes. So it's, I'm always encouraged by being around better people. I always want to follow, when people are like, I don't want to follow being around better people i always want to follow when people are like i don't want to follow a tell i don't want to follow chapelle or whatever it's like no i do you have to because it's it's a challenge and yeah it's inspiring i wanted to get back to the fact that i wanted to think of what's the last thing that derailed you in terms

of bandwidth you were about to answer like what's something that you had to kind of get out of your life it's not a one instance but it's a slow progression and also my career like i became um successful during the time that the internet came to be yeah so it was all happening like people being able to comment on you and say things that was all a completely new thing and everyone had to learn how to navigate those waters. Because at first, I would treat people that were saying something online like a heckler. Like if someone would heckle you and say something, then you'd be like, what? Fuck you. And then you would own them, right?

Yeah. In the early internet days, that's what people did. They would have these flame wars, they would call it, where people would just go back and forth with each other and you would like it was a lot more of that than there is now well it's a waste of time not only is it a waste of time then you realize like no this isn't a heckler this is a like you're getting a message the world can't hear it like so you have to decide if you're going to concentrate and then put all your energy and broadcast to the world that you're involved in this this altercation with this other person it's fucking pointless yeah we see it all the time with people people get sucked into these traps i see it with fighters like ufc fighters all the time

they're getting these fights with fans like someone will say something to them and they'll they'll reply and then i'm like oh i got him to reply to me and it's a waste of time and it just took a while to realize for me what's positive what's negative it doesn't mean i'm immune to criticism or that i don't deserve criticism like everybody does and there's times where you're going to misstep or you're going to say something that's not correct or foolish or not as funny as you thought it was when you were thinking you were going to say it. That's just part of being a person. But to engage constantly in swimming into the deep waters of other people's criticism and opinions, random internet people, it's like, God damn it, that's so much bandwidth. It's so much.

So much. You could use 100% of your bandwidth on that. And some people do. Some people go goddamn crazy. I've met people that are just like Googling themselves and reading their own internet comments all day long and just going crazy and fighting with people all day long and going crazy. And it gets in no matter how much you're like, fuck this guy. in no matter how much you're like fuck this guy it it gets i was doing like a live instagram yesterday on the way to the airport talking to some fans and one guy was like wow you look a lot better with makeup because i was like no makeup on looked like you know shit and um and

i go fuck you you're black i got him out of there and i go i, I'm going to be honest with you guys. This is going to bother me the rest of the goddamn day. Because this guy just said what I actually think about myself that no one actually is saying to me. And that's when it hurts. It's like when someone nails something about you that you're like, I secretly think. But it's probably just me. No one else sees it. And I had to admit, I was going to think about that later. And it might make me not do one of these again because I don't want someone to say something like that and bring it to everyone's attention.

It's so much. Since the last time I was here, we talked a lot about my obsession with looks and being pretty or hot or whatever it is. I've let a lot of that go, but it's still there. It's really hard to overcome. and you're a hot dude i mean how do you let go of that as you age i mean like you're like you know like you you definitely have some value wrapped up in your looks as someone who's attractive and fit and i think it's different for a man than it is for a woman because there's a lot of ugly dudes with hot wives because the ugly dudes are successful. Yeah.

There's very few ugly women with hot husbands because the guys are gay. Yeah. Yeah. Because why would a man ever be with a woman less attractive than him? Well, there's men that are with women that are less attractive with them because they're interested in their personality or their sense of humor. That's real. But the disproportionate love that some disgusting older men have

with hot women, like Lil Duvall, okay? You know Lil Duvall? I fucking love that dude. He's got something on his Instagram. Pull this up. It's this guy in a tub and he's like this older dude

and he's got this young lady that's sitting uh on his lap in front of him and he she's asking him what she she likes in him i just play this out we'll play this because it's fucking hilarious play this watch this watch this watch this let's just listen to this. And only I can learn more about you is by doing things with you. And I'd like to try and do that. Now listen. Well, I'm just saying I just want to be taken care of. And I want to go to like the Chanel store. That's not a problem. I don't want to bathe in suits and Kmart.

That was your choice because you wanted to bathe in suits. No. No, because there's like we're not too far from all those stores where there's better stores. I'm not going to find anything that fits me in K-1. Okay, so you're going to take me shopping, right? You got it. To good stores. What do you like the most?

He's like insider as we're having this conversation. So he's like almost 70 70 it looks to me yes and not really a handsome robert redford no she's doing everything to not look at him and she looks like she's about 30 and lean and her tits are floating above the water yeah holla yeah see that's what i'm talking about that's possible that's real that's real flip that flip that. That's possible. That's real. That's real. Flip that? Flip that. No way. It doesn't exist. Doesn't exist anywhere. Seven-year-old lady with a hot, lean, young man.

Joe, I've been having a lot of young dudes coming after me. Well, you're young still. I know. I'm 35, but I've been having- Oh, but young guys like a mature woman who's still hot, who's physically fit and smart and interesting. I feel weird about it, though. Like a dirty lady?

I know. I feel fetishized. Ooh. Right? I'm an old lady. I don't want anyone to be like Cougar. How old are you? 35.

35. And I've got 22-year-olds, 20-year-olds. It's getting pretty low. Smash them. Really? Yeah. Get on top. Choke them. Make them choke you. you i don't know whatever you're into no well i don't have franchise but it's not

weird i just don't want to be an old i don't want them to only like me because i know what way too much what the fuck yeah you think way too much how do i stop i don't know but about that kind of shit like just enjoy it. Who gives a shit? That's also one really positive aspect of drinking. I mean, I'm telling you, dude. If I still drank, I would hook up so much. Yeah, you'd be like, well, how old are you? 19.

Come eat mama's pussy. I really miss drinking. You're so right. I think so much because, man, that was the only way i used to have sex was to drink right and now it's just so difficult for me now you have to find something you actually like and then that's scary because that was that could be intimacy yeah so i am stuck between intimacy and banging and i i haven't had sex since may whoa and before that even longer i've only slept with one person over the past six years

it's october it's october june july august september october five months five months of my literal like best looking year of my life wasted and i don't understand that are you meeting guys it's not that i can't have sex it's that i won't let myself because i get too attached to people and i feel like it's it um so you worry that if you do have sex with them that it's going to be too much they'll they'll not they'll stop watching my instagram story the next day and i will be so sad you should not have an instagram i'll feel that way you won't have that problem well they'll stop texting me they'll stop Stop watching my Instagram story the next day, and I will be so sad. You should not have an Instagram story. I'll feel – That way you won't have that problem.

Well, they'll stop texting me. They'll stop – something will stop, and I will feel so, so sad. And I'm avoiding that sadness of sleeping with someone too soon. I feel like I'm a doctor here. And it just – yeah, it sucks. Yeah, I think you're just interacting with the wrong people. Yeah. I mean, I don't know who's the right person for you.

You never really can tell. No, you can't. You just know when it happens. Tell me about your wife. She's just a super nice person. How did you meet her? Met her at a bar. Really? Where?

Texas. And, oh God, it's like Matt Damon that's how he met his wife I don't know why I just love to know how people met their wives you you have to find

someone first of all that's going to be able to deal with the fact that you're a comic right unless you're dating other comics which I am

well that's good I guess yeah everyone's like don't do that I'm like well how am I not going to Tom Segura and Christina Pazitsky one of the best couples.

Moshe Kasher and Natasha Leggero, great couple. Bonnie and Rich, great. Yes, great couple. Great couple. It's possible. Yes. And obviously, there are people that are going to understand you. Yes.

And understand what you do. But like a regular dude is going to have a problem with you being the funny one. Like a lot of dudes have a problem, you know? But some people like are fine with it. Like Eliza, Eliza's husband, he's a chef. He's super chill. He's great. That guy's awesome.

I know, he really is. But he's so chill. He just like hangs, like it's a perfect compliment to her personality. Yeah. Because she's so brash and outrageous and, you know, and she's so powerful. And he's this like mellow dude, you know, who's like hanging out. And, you know, it's like they work together. He's not a weak man.

He's just calm, you know, and they work together. Right. You got to find someone like that. You got to find someone who who compliments your personality in a way. Yeah. But it's just like, I don't know how you meet someone like that when you're a girl comedian. I think women comedians it's a unique um requirement that you have for other people because the thing where men always want to be the center of attention

right the man wants to be the alpha they want to be the one who's talking like clink clink clink ladies and gentlemen we have you know bob's gonna give a toast like you want to be that asshole and when you got a wife or a girlfriend who's a fucking way funnier than you not only is she funnier than you she's fucking funny professionally yeah i'm funnier than yeah everyone that isn't a comic and then a lot of comics too like it's like it's people are like you need to come in i'm like i'll be funnier than them too it's hard but it is hard and you're so right about that like i see how much pussy men get thrown at them doing stand-up because and even i get wet for stand-ups like i know the tricks

and i'll be watching a guy with like killing there's there's so much attraction when you see an audience all like watching this dude on stage and he's commanding them with laughter and telling you know controlling their emotions you just get wet for it because you're like he's it's cavewoman brain it's like he's our tribe leader right right he's the leader i need to fuck him he's gonna protect me during wartime like that's the difference between men and women because men don't get that when a woman no shut up go knit something yes this bitch up there talking she'd be in the kitchen yeah i remember

theo vaughn telling me recently he was like i hated your comedy and i'm like what what he's like i did not like you when i and i go well i've always been funny so i don't understand and you're you're funny so you funny knows funny he's like it wasn't that it was just like your voice like reminded me of like my mom or something it's just my mom's always yelling at me and i was like there it is and he even was like i can't believe i'm saying this to you and i was like i like it because yes we remind you of your moms female comics if you've had an overbearing mom telling you like it is what it is all the time i would be like shut the fuck up ladies i would hate female comics if i had an overbearing mother so i empathize with that theo is so crazy he, though. He's so fucking crazy. He's so crazy.

He's funny, though. He's just so ridiculous. He is so funny. Well, he's so funny. He's so Theo. I don't know anybody that has his style even remote. His style is so uniquely him. It's so hard to be that unique.

And you watch him and you're like, this isn't cultivated. This isn't. It's who he is it's just who he is how he yeah and he was able to that's not easy to do is be as funny as you are with your friends on stage and he's worked really hard at it and he's just he's nailed it man well he's just i don't know he's just got this thing that when he's funny like like brody had this thing like yeah like if you wrote the things down that they say on paper it's not funny but you see them in person and you're fucking dying they just figure out a rhythm of a rhythm of comedy that just didn't exist before

them yeah brody is like it was unfortunate with some of the clips that were going around of him to like that people saw for the first time where he would do like late night he wasn't the brody that we all talk of as do you know what i'm saying well those late night spots they're never no one understands you have to be in the room first of all you have to realize that this is a fucking two o'clock in the morning set of a show that started at 8 p.m yes i mean and also like and i don't know if you'll agree with this, but my take on stand-up is even anybody that's even the most brilliant comedian, when you watch them on a special, it's 70% as funny as if you see them live. Maybe. Always.

Might be less. Might be less. Might be 60% as funny. Joe, you're nailing it. Yeah. I've never liked someone more on a special than i've done than i've seen them live impossible when you're there there's a crackling in the air when someone's on stage there's a feeling when you're in the room with them and they're saying it live like

they're saying like that part of what stand-up is is it's happening right in front of you when you watch a netflix special you know that shit took place in may like if someone watches bang and i'm sure it's hilarious yeah but you know it happened in may you're not in the room it's a recreation it's a recreation of something it's you're so right i forget how great stand-up can be sometimes to just watch because i'm just i do my set and i leave but sometimes you have to like hang out and watch people it's so good it's great it's so good i still love it you're always watching you're good about that i've watched it and i try to blow up people that are coming up yeah like up and coming yeah same yeah we were uh watching how do you how do you pronounce her last name

laura uh beats is that how you say her last name i don't know i've never heard it's on my instagram page the other day me and uh kreischer we did a set in the main room sold out set in the main room and then how do you say her last name jesus christ she's funny though um she was performing in front of 12 fucking people in the or and burt and i said let's just sit down and watch some comedy for a while and she's murdering and adam eget had been telling me about her heist i guess this might be lara l-a-r-a-b-e-i-t-z okay i tz fucking murderer yes she's a murderer and so while we're on stage while she was on stage there's 12 people in the audience and the audience doubled during the time she was on stage l-a-r-a-b-e-i-t-z oh i love it i'm telling

you the the fucking play we were dying she was murdering and this is look at what you did that's awesome dude 1 30 a.m spot dude i gotta see her i mean that's what the comedy store is all about yeah it's like one day you're gonna see that girl she's gonna have a netflix special and you're gonna say i remember i was at the fucking comedy store it was 1 30 in the morning the show like we're thinking about leaving and this lady went up and murdered stand-up is so great i'm so lucky i stumbled into it if you took that clip and then made a video out of it and put it on youtube and a tiny little screen you watch it on your phone you're not not going to get the real feeling that Burt and I got sitting in the back of the room watching her.

You're just not going to get it. You've got to go see comedy live. Fuck yeah. That's what basically specials are, right? They're like ads. Yeah. We're just showing people

how good we are so they'll come see us live. Yes. But it's way better live. But ads are never as good. Yeah. It's never as good as the movie. Yeah.

I always tell people to go to shows alone because I feel like so many people miss out on going to see comedy. You tell people to go to shows alone? Always. Why? Because, dude, so many people aren't going to your shows because they can't find friends to go. And they feel like losers if they go alone. Really?

Yeah. A lot of people don't do things because they they think oh if I can't find a date or I can't find a friend then I'm not going to go so many people miss out on stuff and it's like I encourage people

go alone because I think it's so cool it's also better because you don't have to check in on whoever you brought with you because sometimes you just are like

I don't want to go alone so you pick a bunch of people that you're like or what if they don't enjoy it and you're checking in on them and if you laugh too hard at something that's that you're like oh no they think i relate to that too much and you're worried the whole time when you go alone you're fucking free you think too much i'm

thinking too much on behalf of people who are missing out on shows because they feel insecure about going alone go alone it's so cool i've never thought that once you think so much joe rogan i never thought about thinking yeah but i mean go by yourself Rogan. I never thought that. You're all about thinking. Yeah, but I mean, go by yourself if no one wants to go with you. But if not, go with your friends. But what if you don't have friends? Get some friends. No, no, no, no, no.

Some people don't have friends, Joe. They should have friends. I know. They should make friends. Get some friends. Well, I think they should go to a show alone and make friends with other people going alone. Boy, how do you find them? Maybe you try to make friends with someone and they're with their wife.

You're like, hey, you fuck. Get away. She's in the bathroom. Yeah. Trying to make friends with people that are with somebody else. And like, hey, man, this isn't a place to make friends. It's a place to see a show. Well, my shows are.

Piece of shit. I just connected two people last night that are going alone to my show. Do you know who has the record of the most people that buy single tickets who mark maron oh that makes sense totally makes sense yeah i want to eclipse him kind of alienated he's that guy you know yeah he's alone in a shed connects with his cats he's not in the shed anymore i got a new spot okay yeah moving on up like the jeffersons but that's that's a thing like i've had people say hey if I come to your show by myself, am I a loser? I'm like, no. I've gone to things by myself.

Yes. Go to things by yourself. There's nothing wrong with it. Go to things by yourself. But also find some friends. It's so hard. Some people don't have friends. They just need to do something where they'll find camaraderie in what they do.

It's one of the things about jujitsu that's really wonderful is that people that do jujitsu, they find friends that also do jujitsu. You become friends with that uh people that do jujitsu they they find friends that also do jujitsu you become friends with these people that are into this difficult thing listen i'm sold on jujitsu i haven't met a damn person who's tried it and doesn't become obsessed with it yeah it's awesome some and uh good self-defense for for the ladies right very good for the ladies like the best the best of all of them yes because look how small your hands are yeah you're not going to punch somebody in the face and hurt them no it's just too too many men are too big too hard but you can defend yourself with jiu-jitsu you'll you'll understand grappling and if you get a hold of someone's neck you could

choke them unconscious really 100 yeah yeah if i let you wrap your arms around my neck and i show you how to do it i don't resist you could put me to sleep really wow yeah legitimately especially with your legs like women who know how to use their legs correctly and they learn how to choke people with their legs like a guy tries to get on top of you you could strangle him yeah i don't have any defense technique in my back like i have nothing if a guy attacked me i'm always just like well, well, I'm just dead. Like, I need to learn something. Just be annoying. Just start just berating him. Done it. It's working.

That's what I'll do. I'll just start talking and trying to psychoanalyze him. And be like, you're only attacking me right now because your mother didn't love you enough and you hate women. And I remind you of your mom in some way that set you off. And now you're trying to rape me. As if you had a mic. Yeah. Who's killing now?

If you go to a jujitsu class, maybe that's where you'd meet a good guy. I think so. I think that's what I like about your Sober October, the challenge to do a new class where you're like, it's maybe not a athletic adventure but you're like what are you going to learn well yesterday we took we did gun lessons yeah we went tommy and i loved your caption about that it was really good where you said like it's something where i'm like i got i got a lot to learn oh my god you like it it was my first time even shooting a pistol in more than 10 years.

I mean, I hadn't shot a pistol since the last time I shot one on a range, which I think was about 10 years ago. I shot rifles. The last time I even shot a rifle, though, was a few years ago, like two or three years ago, I think. So it was, and I mean, obviously, I'm a real beginner when it comes to that. And with pistols, I'm a super beginner. I didn't know anything. So all these folks at this Terran tactical place were showing Tommy and I how to do it right. And it's a real wake-up call.

You really don't know what the fuck you're doing. And it's something where there's a good, giant area that you can improve in. Knowing nothing. I know how to squeeze the trigger i know the site is here you'll be line it up pull the trigger don't jerk the trigger just pull it but learning it correctly from these people and how to hold the gun correctly to stabilize it and how you're supposed to stand and how you're supposed to lean in and watching men and women do it correctly and show you you're like oh okay okay okay like whoa this is good this is something

i don't know anything about it's so exciting when you get like one little nugget and it just all of a sudden changes everything and you're like i would have never figured that out on my own with all with millions of years of like that's why it's so good yeah jiu-jitsu is an it unlocks it's an ocean of possibilities and you're just getting your toes wet in the first day and you're like Oh my god There's so much to learn I'm going to a voice doctor right now

Because I don't want to ruin My instrument Which I'm now starting to look at it As an instrument That I was never taught how to play I'm just freestyling on this Fucking saxophone You know like

I've never gotten lessons We don't get lessons for our voice Right right Have you ever taken any? No It's a good idea though I mean you talk so much saxophone you know like no one i've never gotten less we don't get lessons for our voice right right have you ever taken any no it's a good idea though i mean you talk so much have you ever lost your do you lose your voice ever no okay well then you're probably talking the right way yeah but you probably scream in a really efficient way or yell in an efficient way i think you just have strong vocal cords yeah i mean i'm learning stuff that i'm like whoa i didn't even know like there's three places where your voice can come from your throat your mouth and your nose and i'm talking

all throat and that's why i'm getting polyps developing i mean i'm getting stuff growths on it because i don't know how to talk and it's just my vocal cords are slamming all day and they develop calluses after they slam and those are like the and i'm gonna have to have them surgically removed i'm gonna lose my voice if i don't they're like you're here right in the nick of time so i do voice exercises every day and i'm loving it um i i start out i go wait now that's opening up your throat and it's so your vib. And it's making you realize that the vibrations in your face cause a lot of the sound. So it's your nose and your mouth that you can focus on creating the sound that comes out of your, that makes the air. Okay.

Then you go. And you're supposed to make your whole face vibrate Feel it in your face Right now people are screaming They're fucking hating this And you should So yeah I'm just in my house going Never Monday Never Monday

Never Monday Never Monday Never Monday Never Monday Never Monday That's still like Never Monday Never Monday Never Monday Never Monday That's still a little throaty Yeah Yeah

It's learning It's But it's like I never thought about it It's changing everything Do you know how to play an instrument? No No interest?

None Me neither I mean I would like to know But If I did I would get into it That's the problem Yeah

And I don't have any time You don't have any time you don't have any time no i feel like there's a practical application for learning how to shoot people yes yeah it's probably good it's good to know yeah you're entertaining people enough you don't need to add a guitar well i just i don't i don't want to get obsessed that's my which means you can't have interest because you don't have time. Why get crazy? Because you'll get obsessed. I'm crazy. That's my crazy.

I'm not a junkie. Like you put heroin in front of me, I have no interest. But if there's something that's interesting and it's hard to do, the problem is I get obsessed with things. Like really obsessed. It takes over my whole day. What was the last one? Archery was the last one. Yeah, bow hunting.

And do you still practice it all day i've got two ranges in the studio yeah i've got a game out there where have you seen the game the techno hunt game no i'll show it to you okay studio there's a there's a fucking archery game where there's a kevlar screen and i have these different broad heads that are flat at the end like the head of a nail broad heads no broads broad's a weird one right like is that a negative some chicks like i love it it's like she's a classy broad yeah it's not negative sounds like a powerful 80s lady yeah broad's not like uh like what's a neck i mean other than like slit hole i've never heard of slit yeah you're just a couple slits i've heard hole before that's what Opie and Anthony used to call

The girl who was on the morning The third chair Yeah The hole The hole Yeah As a hole Figuratively and literally

Because there was like holes in the show Because like when they would talk The only reason why they were there Was there were a woman Yes Like someone like We need a woman on the show So we'd get some chick

And she would just like I just feel like you guys Are not letting me talk Guys Yeah Yeah I've been on shows where the girl was a hole yeah i have too but i've been on shows where the guy was a fucking hole oh yeah there's a lot of just yeah holy shows those shows are kind of dying i know they're dying those morning shows because of this because there are more interesting people that know how to make people laugh Well there's no reason To listen to them And then every fucking

15 minutes There's some new God damn commercial For fucking Tom's Dodge Yep You know Hey this is Tom

And Tom's fucking Dodge Show So sell your car Yeah Woo And you'd get so bored You'd get so bored Listening to their nonsense

You just nailed it And you just sold me a Dodge Hey Get your number Dodge Dodge Ram, get me a Dodge. Dodge Ram. It's on a discount. Yeah, but those morning shows, you would go to those shows and some would be really cool. Yeah.

Some of them would be awesome. But then there was other ones that you could tell they really wanted to be a comic, but they were scared. But they knew that you needed them to sell tickets so they were kind of yes yes yes do you remember that i go in i take those shows over to show them how it's done i want to show your listeners what real comedy is and what like actual jokes are do you have to go to those anymore do you still do those i still love doing them i'm a morning person i get up i like to make the rounds i like to go in

take over i've learned from burt kreischer he was the first person he was a headliner when i was working with him as a feature act back in like west virginia uh the sorry virginia beach funny boned dayton uh where else were we we were all over i was always working with him just randomly richmond virginia he would take me to, which he did not need to do. But he was like, you want to come tomorrow? And I'm like, as a feature, sure. And I would just see how he would walk in and take over a show and make it his own. And they fucking loved him.

And he would sell more tickets. And he was having fun doing it. And so when I do morning TV or do radio I always just go I'm my freest self And I feel They're always like oh she's out of control Because you say anything on there And it's like dump button

You know You just go in I go on TV shows with no makeup I look like faces of meth whenever I'm going onto A fucking market I literally look so disgusting I can't care anymore because no one's watching shows with no makeup i look like faces of meth whenever i'm going on to a fucking market i literally look so disgusting i can't care anymore because no one's watching these morning tv shows right and i go in with no makeup the lighting is so bright everyone's wearing so all the women look

i look like a man because without makeup on as a woman on tv you look like a man and um you just do because women wear too much makeup so by comparison you look like a man and um you just do because women wear too much makeup so by comparison you look like a man and i just go in and sometimes i just like have an open sore on my face like i just it's i feel so free doing those shows i i think i'll do it as long as they they ask me really yeah i like it even when you're selling out arenas and shit oh maybe not then maybe just some of my favorites like the good the good ones but um But I get a kick out of it. I love radio. Bert and Tom know how to take over a morning show.

Those morning TV shows. Yes. Do you ever see Tom would go on as this character, DJ Dadmouth? No. Yeah, he would tell them that he's poly and bi and non-binary. And he would wear sunglasses and fur coats and he would wear gold chains and he went on a Oh my God.

Because he was so bored and the shows were already sold out. Yes. So they were making him do these things because they had like relationships with the local TV stations. That's it.

And this is before he really blew up from his Netflix specials. Let's see. You got it right there. This is one. Shut up. Oh my God. There's multiples.

You're right DJ Dadmouth We do it all the time DJ Dadmouth Has a big announcement I love this And DJ Dadmouth Does the weather

He did it everywhere And the people That were working These shows Did not know What the fuck He was talking about He would say

Yeah I'm coming out As Polly I'm Polly I'm coming out As non-binary That is so... You're right. It's completely out of boredom

because these shows are so boring. Look at the fur coat. The fur coat with the hood and the giant rope chain. I like that he had to travel with this. Yes, and the sunglasses. He planned for this. And the fucking interviews were hilarious

because that is the lowest rung of show business in terms of competency. They are the is the lowest rung of show business in terms of competency. They are the least entertaining people in all of show business. And they panic whenever there's any fucking dead air. They don't know what to do. He would say something like, oh, I don't even know what that means. It's so bad. Yeah, it's rough.

Yeah, you don't do that shit anymore. I don't do anything. You don't do, yeah anymore i don't do anything you don't do you know yeah you don't why don't you go on talk shows and stuff you just don't care no because i can talk too much yeah anybody wants to know what my opinions are i'm fucking saying them constantly constantly i don't need any more attention i want less attention i would need 10 less attention okay new question new new new direction okay um being famous going out places what's it like for you is it what you wanted is it what you expected you clearly there was some part of you that wanted to be famous at some point in your life i think you want to be famous because you want to be successful right you want like in the beginning people are

paying attention to other people why aren't they paying attention to me? Oh, look, Jerry Seinfeld's in the room. Nobody even cares if I'm alive. I wish they cared that I was here. Yeah, but then once you get it, you're like, oh, then you lose your anonymity, and then it's weird, and then people react to you differently. One of the things my wife said to me, I go, that guy seems like a nice guy. She goes, listen, everybody's nice to you. She goes, you don't even realize it.

Like people, I've seen people act like assholes to other people. And then you come in here and they act like a totally different person. I love that she said that. She's hilarious. My wife says some funny shit. She's funnier than me. Like in terms of like social situations. Yeah.

She's the funny one because I'm not like, I don't try to be funny. Yeah. But she does. Yeah. Like she gets a kick out of it when we're in social situations. She'll have a couple of don't try to be funny. Yeah. But she does. Yeah. Like, she gets a kick out of it. When we're in social situations, she'll have a couple of drinks, and she's the one that, like, takes over. But she's just got good timing.

Like, one time, I was going through this period of time where I was getting massages from dudes, because girls just are not good at getting into the deep muscle. Yeah. And so I'd get these deep tissue massages from dudes. But, you know, it was just funny and we're staying in a hotel i got a massage and i came back upstairs i said fuck i left my wedding ring back down there so i went back down to the locker room to get my wedding ring and she goes where was it in his ass but it's the way she said it like she was like she was actually curious and

then she knows she got a zinger off it's so so good. And then I'm dying laughing. So she thinks it's awesome. Yeah. Yeah. She said she noticed. Like if you didn't know better, you'd probably think she's the comedian. Yeah. Like when we're out. That's good.

But that's one of the reasons why it works. Yeah. You know. Because you need a funny. But she doesn't want attention, but she likes being funny like with us. She just like, she just gets a kick out of it. It's fun for her. Yeah.

It's like she doesn't want to play tennis professionally, but she might want to play with her friends. That's an ideal partner for a comedian, I believe. But she notices that people are nicer to you. And you, I mean, you have dealt, you've seen the shifts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone's nice now. Yeah.

Suddenly. Yeah. And it's not that the world's just gotten nicer. You've just gotten more famous. How do you Do you What about when you're in public And you find people

Like videotaping you Or like you can sense it When they're away When you know That they know who you are Yeah people do This is a funny thing That people do

They hold their camera up Like you don't know God They're looking down Yeah In your Talking to your friend And they're like filming it

Do you say anything Or do you just let it happen Come on man I'm just a human dude Yeah I'm just a human That more people know That's it Don't be weird and you're talking to your friend and they're like filming it. Do you say anything or do you just let it happen? Come on, man. I'm just a human, dude. I'm just a human that more people know. Don't be weird. You want to take a picture?

We'll take a picture together. Don't be just filming and pretending you're not filming. It's just too strange. Like my friend Sturgill said that he was at an airport and some dude was just holding a phone up while him and his friends were talking. And he goes,

come on, man. He goes, hey, it's the price you pay. He's like, no, it's not. There's nothing written anywhere. The price you pay is you see me at Starbucks talking to my friend. You stick a phone in front of us and film us while we're talking. That's just weird. But it's just, it's also that it's so alien to some people to see a famous person.

Yeah. One of the good things about la is they're used to famous people there's so many famous people out here you see them all the time and it's like you get it you know they're gonna be around so you're like oh there's nikki it's normal it's like a safari right the animals are in their natural habitat it's normal it is cool to see a cheetah but there's others but if you're in you know, fucking Louisville and you're walking around and you try to go to a bar, it might get weird. Things might go Western.

Yes. And you've been to Louisville in a bar. Yeah. And you've had to leave that bar. Yeah. I've had a few of those moments, but most of the time people are just friendly. You just shake their hand and they're, you know, I have a, like the kind of fame I have is like people know me.

It's a weird kind of fame. It's like, because me it's a weird kind of fame it's like because of the podcast they know me oh they know you so well it's not like um daniel day lewis where you have no idea what he's like i'm gonna go talk to him i wonder what he sounds like i wonder what he talks like it's a really good point yeah they know you i mean i even have had guys ask me out or feel or like propose that we should date because they're like there's this one guy recently who discovered me in one day and he knew he was going to see me that night at the meet and greet at the show and i think he had seen my roast kind of went viral last week or two weeks ago so he saw that and he was like oh my god she's in irvine tonight and he um he bought a meet and

greet ticket and he listened to me all day he was like i listened to you on rogan for three hours then i listened to this podcast i mean he was listening to me all day so for him we spent a whole day together right where i was telling him all my deepest insecurities i mean i get real on these things and people feel connected to you and then he comes to the meet and greet and his energy is so strong and like we should be together type energy like he didn't say that but he's just like it just you could i just go this guy's spent all day with me and i don't know him at all and i knew that going in and he and i kind of just like shoot him like we took a picture it was nice but i was like good he came the next night again because you could tell he went home and was like i blew it

my one shot and he bought a meet and greet again which i'm like you sat through this show again it's the same fucking show and he had a second chance and he tried to touch me like low on my way and i just took his hand like get up no but it's feel they feel like they know you but that's a weird thing when someone tries to touch you low on your waist like right by your butt and they can't wait to touch your butt they're like let me just touch the top of her butt i'm i'm i'm grateful that anyone even thinks i have an ass worthy to touch because i have such a flat ass so when it does get touched I'm kind of like flattered but don't do it

I don't like it it ultimately makes me feel not good at all at least I mean my friend Andrew will be watching me because it's happened so many times

where guys casually just put their hand on my ass when they're taking a picture and it's and no one ever sees it I'll have security guards like watching and I'll be like

well you just watch for men touching me in weird places because it's always weird for me to call out because it's like in front of their wife and i don't want to embarrass them and make it a thing right so i just go like i'd rather someone else call it out and security guards will watch and i'll be i'll walk up to him and be like did you not see that guy and they're like no i was watching i'm like it's so stealthy and subtle the the way that a guy can put his thing just his this is what they they do your back and then when they're done with the picture they'll just go like like their hand will like oh

i'm just my hand's just gravity and it'll graze your whole backside and what it does is just like god man you don't respect me i just was on stage you paid to see me you had to sit and be quiet the whole time i demanded a sort of respect in that moment and you've just taken that from me it just makes me feel gross i don't know if it's that they don't respect you it's that they're trying to get away with it they think like maybe if i just maybe she won't even notice i just let my hand go limp and just go down her thigh but they but don't they want me to notice so i'm like i don't know maybe depends on the person yeah it's but it happens all and with women it happens a ton uh women definitely like do you know who grabs me older ladies that are drunk yes older ladies that are drunk will just grab my ass i've had like not okay late 40s ladies get a couple of

pops and i'm ladies night out they were hot in their 20s they were like the type of girl that like yeah i feel them feel in my back they're like literally squeezy okay like a horse like checking checking the meat stop it ladies it's not okay for you to do to men i know that it's not the same let me tell you something it's not the same because you're not physically threatened by these women it's great i'm like hey get out of my ass but it's not like any man with their musculature at any size could really overpower me. I'm a tall woman, but I'm a weak woman. So any man touching me is like...

It's a threat. It's a threat. It is a threat. Not the same with women and men. But still, get the fuck off, men, women. I'm sorry. Well, it's just... People are just...

And that's another thing about drinking. It's drunk. People get drunk and they make stupid fucking choices that they would never make if they were sober. Even smart people. Smart people with five drinks are stupid. Oh, they're so stupid. You get a smart person with five drinks and I'm like, the wrong fucking thing? Weird fucking secret desires that never get revealed all of a sudden come popping up.

Yep. They start making out with guys. Hey. Yeah. Hey, what's happening here? Woo. Yes. Yeah.

Everyone's dumb at seven drinks. Everyone. I think no one's better two drinks and more. Like maybe men because you have a little bit more tolerance, but it's around two drinks where I'm like, I love a person up until two drinks. They'll get better. Yeah. And then after two drinks, I'm like, I'm kind up until two drinks They'll get better Yeah And then after two drinks

I'm like I'm kind of out They're slow They're slow They're loud Yep They're close to your face But would you prefer

Four drinks or cocaine? See I haven't I'll take four drinks over coke Every day of the week Now tell me Tell me why Because I guess I'm not around Enough coke heads

They talk too much They talk too much And they want to get really close to you And they want to keep talking And they talk fast It's like adderall people same thing and it's always about them the thing about speed amphetamines it's it's you're it's always a self-serving conversation it's always about you it's always about what you're gonna do it's always about who's fucking you over and who's keeping you from doing this. And you're going to do that. And you know this because you're smart and everybody else is stupid, but you're not.

That's coke talk. Did you ever do coke? No, never. Me neither. Never did it. I got lucky. I knew I had a good buddy of mine whose cousin sold it. And I watched his whole life fall apart.

He was doing coke constantly. He lost a shitload of weight. And I remember thinking, oh my God, he got bit by a vampire like this guy got infected and you were like no i was so scared of it a few people in my neighborhood would do coke and they it all always went bad it always went bad yeah so i just i recognized that real early i was like that's a bad one i did it one time um with doug stanhope holo i didn't mean to but i was just i really didn't mean to it was at the kansas city um uh stamford and sons in kansas city that place you have to do coke there i think it's part of the contract i all all week i uh didn't talk to doug i was so

scared of him i was emceeing i was in college still and at the last night saturday night after the late show he had like his whole entourage back to his hotel room to hang out. I was invited. I went just sitting quietly in the corner. And he has a bunch of coke on the desk that he's doing. And no one else is really doing it. They're just kind of watching him do it. And then he gets a call from the front desk that's like, hey, your car is here.

You had an early morning flight. And he's like, I'm not taking this with me. Does anyone want it? And I was like, i'll bring it back to my friends at college like that's a lot of coke and like maybe i'll sell it i don't know how much coke were you talking about it was like a pile of it what did it look like the pile like describe it like a golf ball yeah golf ball okay like a lot of coke yeah it's a lot and um i was like i'll take it and he was like okay and he hands me a rolled up dollar bill and i was like oh he thought he meant now and i was like 20 and insecure and wanting to be cool so i was like ah what's that's if you have any excuse do it and so i did it and then i went

home and fucking cleaned my apartment did you yeah i went home and cleaned and like wrote a an essay that i needed to write and i was like that shit's good wow but you know it's just like doing riddle and adderall like you get shit done but you're there's a price yeah it's not good you're it's a b minus of a paper it's whenever i like have something you know i've taken adderall to get stuff done creativity yes yeah it's gonna suffer joey diaz used to be a big coke head. One of the things he said, he goes, there's no soul in what you said. He goes, when you're doing coke, there's no soul in it. Yeah.

Yeah. Because it's all about you. Like you said, it's just empty. Right. Yeah. It's just weird. It's weirdly disconnected. You know?

Like, you know the movie Showgirls? Mm-hmm. It's one of my favorite bad movies of all time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a coke movie. Like, you could tell. The the people made that movie were doing coke yes it's a ridiculous movie like who the fuck greenlit this thing who said yes they were doing coke because that was the 90s and in the 90s a lot of people did coke it was a coke movie yeah i i think i mean it's just my opinion maybe i'm wrong what was the last psychedelic trip you had? I did mushrooms a couple months ago.

Yeah? How was that? It was fucking awesome. Where'd you do them? Did them with Ari on the show. We did them during a podcast. Really? Yeah.

And do you guys start tripping during the podcast? Yeah. Yeah, we're having fun. What does it sound like? It was great. The podcast was great. We didn't take too much, but we took enough. No one can tell when you're on them like you can still function normally yeah i mean it depends on how

far you go you guys were still funny yeah you can go down the rabbit hole though okay you can go down the rabbit hole and be incoherent mushrooms are it, it's dose dependent. I mean, what you're doing is like you're getting, you know, if you take a little bit, you're like shaking hands with the angels, but you're not going to heaven. You're not going to visit them. You're like, hi, how are you? Oh, my God, you're so wonderful. But you're not like riding on their wings, going to the other dimension.

But if you take enough, that's where you go. If you take enough, you're not talking to anybody. And have you done LSD? Yes. And good? Yes. Great experience? Yeah.

Have you had a bad experience on it? No, no. But I took it later in life. I don't think it's, I think most of these psychedelics where you have bad experiences, I think most of these psychedelics where you have bad experiences, what you're having is your own psychological dilemma and then your battle with whatever the drug or the psychedelic is trying to do to you versus what your ego is trying to control and keep it from happening. I mean, I've seen a lot of people have bad trips. Some of the worst trips I've ever seen people have was from edible pot. Edible pot is one of the strongest things that people don't recognize.

It's a very different drug than smoking it. And when you think of things that can take you down the rabbit hole, you don't think of edible pot. People think of pot as just like, oh, you're going to get high. Maybe you can get too high, but you're just getting high. But when you eat it, it's a completely different animal. Yeah. Literally, like physiologically, it's a different animal. Really? Yeah.

It creates something called 11-hydroxymetabolite that's five times more psychoactive than THC. What? It's not even psychoactive in smoking it. It's a different drug. It does feel different. It's a totally different drug. That makes complete sense. Yeah, it's a different drug. It does feel different. It's a totally different drug. That makes complete sense. Yeah, it's a different drug.

It's processed by your liver. Wow. There's something called the one pass. It passes through your liver and the THC gets processed into 11-hydroxymetabolite. You should Google it. It's trippy shit. It's way stronger. Way stronger.

I've got some micro-dose versions of mushrooms that I've had two of them. And they were, it was great. It just made things a little bit brighter. Makes it nice. Have you ever micro-dosed? Yes. You know who does that all the time? Ron White.

Oh, really? Ron White's a micro-dosing motherfucker. Yeah. Because I'm on this new drug. It's called mushrooms. And I just take a little bit every day whoa yeah yeah a lot i know a lot of people that do that yeah a lot like dozens dozens of people who microdose including fighters i know a lot of fighters who microdose yeah i

forgot that i was even on any i was like i was just like oh this room looks like cooler yeah just feel better oh yeah i ate that little piece yeah you just feel a little better and you're like what is oh i took mushrooms yes i forgot yeah did you hear that uh ari uh spiked bert's drink with molly what they did a podcast together and ari dumped molly into bert's drink wait is that why uh bert's wife isn't talking to ari anymore exactly wait that's what yeah wait during a podcast in his house in burt's house and what what family home ari is so crazy i don't trust him for a second i'm so scared of ari shafir so crazy he is fucking crazy i've seen him just like act ask about my life and be like interested and i'll like open up to him and then he'll like

use it against me later on. I'm like, this guy, I don't trust. He'll just store up things. Use it against you? To be funny. I think he's evil. I think Gary Shafir is secretly evil. Secretly evil?

For real? I like him, but I don't trust him. Because he spiked Burke. He gave his friend Molly. That's not okay. It's not okay. But wait, that's hilarious though. Still hilarious.

It's more funny than it is crazy. That's what he's trying to accomplish. That's what I do like about Ari. Here's what's really funny. They were both on Molly because Ari took it himself. Okay. And then the podcast is going on And Ari starts dancing He's like sort of dancing And moving

And Bert's like What do you want Molly He goes Are you And then Bert's like What And then all of a sudden And then he realizes

Like what What's going on He realizes And then Ari's like Put some in your drink He's like And he's home With his family

Okay I kind of want Ari To spike my drink, and I want that to be the excuse to do Molly. Just do it. Ari. No. Do it. Don't do it again. Don't do it to me. Ari, you're going to get in trouble.

I'm giving you consent to do it to me in a sneaky podcast. I think that would be so fun. Joe, that's my thing. I need an excuse to be bad. That's why I like bondage. It's like, oh no, I can't do this. I'm forced to do this dirty thing. I don't really want to do this, but you're making me.

I like how you're doing your shoulders. That's why I did Dancing with the Stars. I'm like, you made me wear this swimsuit on TV. I can't not be a slut. What's the shoulder thing? It's just like helpless slut. I need an excuse to be bad, to be what i really want to be which is high slutty yeah um and mean like the roast roast it's an excuse to be mean it's excuse to be evil oh okay i had to do these jokes what am i going to

go to a roast and compliment everyone? I can't do that. Yeah. So there's always, I had to. I get it. I get it. Well, you just gave Ari the excuse, and believe me, he's going to capitalize on it. I really do want to do Molly. I feel like-

Why don't you just do it with him? Oh, not with him. I mean, I guess I'm already asking. Someone recently was like- The face. The face you made You're like Not with him

No I actually do I would do it Someone recommended him To be my shaman On a trip And I was like What the fuck I don't trust him

To be my shaman You can trust Ari For ayahuasca He's gonna No Well he's never done ayahuasca Well whatever Maybe mushrooms

Was like Someone was like You can trust him for that To lead me up that mountain Yes Okay Yes Look you could trust Ari

Ari was just mad at Bert And it's not logical It's not tenable I don't agree with him But he was mad at Bert That the whole reason Why we do Sober October Was we were trying to get Bert sober

And Bert was You know we were worried About his health Yeah Like Bert's Ridiculously overweight And he's also on High blood pressure medication

but yet he still drinks every fucking night we're like this is crazy man like you got to stop doing this and so the original reason for sober october was to try to sober bert up it started off four years ago there was a weight loss challenge between tom and bert and during the whole weight loss challenge bert Bert kept drinking. This is how fucked up he is. He's trying to win this big thing, and at the end of it, he only fell short by a few pounds. But he was drinking the whole time.

He still couldn't help himself. The whole time. Yeah. So then the next year, we were like, okay, we got to figure out a way to get Bert sober. Let's do this. Let's even go sober for the whole month of October. And Bert was like what? He was hemming and hawing

He didn't want to do it I said I'll do it too We'll all do it We'll all be sober So that's what kicked off October 1 And that was 3 years ago And we made a challenge We're going to be sober for the whole month

And we're going to have to do 15 hot yoga classes Which is fun It was good And you know Bert did it And he had no problems he was sober for the whole month and he actually did get healthier and he looked better but then the next year got too crazy the next year we decided to have a fitness challenge oh god that was so insane that went crazy that was hard to watch that was crazy watching you guys just give

up your lives yeah give up those points yeah seven seven hours a day i was doing i mean you talked about that one day that you like your heart rate was at maximum it was at 80 heart rate max for five hours it was more than that because i i've got a you get one minute for one minute at 80 heart rate rate. You get one point. And I had 1100 minutes for the dude. Yeah. Yeah. I mean,

that's torture. I'm so glad you guys pulled back this year. It was so crazy. So I was obsessed. Is Bert getting sober? Is this working? No, no,

no. We're going to lose Bert Kreischer. He shouldn't be drinking at all. No. I mean, that high blood pressure shit is no joke. That's how people get strokes. No. We're going to lose Bert Kreischer. He shouldn't be drinking at all. No. I mean, that high blood pressure shit is no joke. That's how people get strokes.

Yes. Like, he really shouldn't be drinking at all. But he did cut back on sugar and he said he had lost, what did he say he lost? Like 20 pounds? Yeah.

Something like that. Bert Kreischer can do anything. Yeah, he can. That guy can really do anything. He needs to stop drinking. Yes, he does. But he loves drinking. I know.

He loves going on stage and taking his shirt off. I know. He loves being the life of the party. But I don't want to lose the life of the party because we're enabling this life of the party. See, the thing is that party thing that he does, it's sort of dependent upon alcohol. That's part of the image that he's created. And we talked about on the podcast the other day That Kinison had the same problem They would just lay these giant lines of coke

Like oh oh it's him It's him And they'd lay that coke out Like to the point where like no one could do that kind of coke Yeah Bert goes into a town And isn't down to drink And that's the whole And he invites the audience to go out with him

I know After the show And they all drink together And he's doing doubles So he's having double Tito's and he's drinking like fucking 20 drinks a night. I can't believe how much he's able to accomplish with his drinking habits.

It's amazing. Think of what he'd be able to do without it. I don't know if that's the case though. But half of what he's accomplished is accomplished because of his stand-up and half of his stand-up is his partying. Yeah. It's like he's a funny guy.

He would always be a funny comic. Always. But whether or not he can accept that without the alcohol, whether or not he can embrace that without the alcohol, he's not an alcoholic in the sense that he's not addicted to alcohol because he did quit two years in a row for a whole month without a problem. He really did do it. Right.

And he says it's not a big deal. He goes, I miss it. I'd like to have a drink, but I'm okay. quit two years in a row for a whole month without a problem he really did do it right and you know he says no that big deal he goes i miss it i'd like to like to have a drink but i'm okay yeah so he's not like he didn't get the shakes and his fucking psychologist was telling him not to do it yeah psychologist oh really it was like this is probably not the thing for you to quit drinking and he was like my fucking shrink told me to stop not to stop yeah which is crazy but i just you know i reasoned because quitting drinking for me it felt like so much of my identity to drink and i talked about it on stage i mean it wasn't anywhere as wrapped up as bird is in it but he's had enough fun you've had your whole life of doing this you've been the party animal since no no no no no he's just starting to kill it he's selling out theaters left and right he's doing great right

now i know like specials elevated him all of his instagram stuff every time we do these sober october things he sells way more tickets i know it's but he could be funny no matter what yes he's a comic everybody who's funny is funny no matter what they're so scared yeah you think if i get on zoloft if i um go talk to someone about my issues if i conquer my if i talk about the anger i have towards my father what am i gonna am i gonna be funny on the other side of it yes you're funny yeah you're a comic it's a profession it's gonna make it's it's one of the rare professions where you think you're dependent upon certain substances. Yeah.

But we do know people that got sober and then got boring. That's true, too. You didn't. Yeah. You pulled it off. But there are people that got sober and then they started to suck. Really? Yeah.

Okay. There's quite a few. But then there's also people that got sober and got even better, like Dave Attell. Yes. Dave Attell sobered up. His fucking joke writing just kicked into another level yeah because he got addicted to writing like he just funneled it all and he also had all the energy bandwidth yeah more energy more bandwidth yep nikki glazer we gotta wrap this up it's three o'clock already that crazy this has been so fun

we just banged out three hours of talking crazy it flies by um tell everybody your special banging is on netflix how do they get a hold you on the instagram and on the twitter nikki glazer on instagram i have a radio show on uh sirius xm every morning monday through thursday 10 to 12 eastern on comedy central radio so if you have serious or a rental car check that out and i have a podcast of the radio show that comes out every Friday, You Up Podcast. And I'm going on tour, Bang It Out tour, starting January through the spring. Tickets on presale now.

Use code BANGIN for special pricing. And, like, my first theater tour. All right. Good luck with that. Thank you, Nikki. Thanks, Joe. Always a good time. Always.

Bye, everybody.