The Joe Rogan Experience - #1362 - Lenny Clarke

Episode Date: October 7, 2019

Lenny Clarke is a legendary Boston comic and actor.

Lenny Clark! That's right. How are you, brother? Joe, I got to tell you, let me stop by saying thank you. My pleasure. I can't believe the amount of people that stopped me since I did your podcast. Because you asked me a couple years ago, I didn't even know what a podcast was. So I did that from the moment I left here.

I went down to Venice Beach. Guys were watching the podcast in their car. I came out, you know what I'm talking about. So then everywhere I go, from captains of industry, the homeless guy the other day at Harvard Square goes, Lenny Clark, I saw you in the Rogan podcast. You were awesome. And I'm going, oh, a homeless guy. I'm going, how did you see it?

He goes, I seen it on the YouTube. That's how you know the progress of technology. Homeless guys have phones and they watch YouTube. Oh, so I'm doing Matty Siegel. He's trying to rush me Out of the studio The other day And I said

Well you know I'm not going to mention I'm in Rogue Oh my god He goes You talked about me on Rogue And everyone called in He was all excited

So we said say hello Hello Matty Siegel Matty in the morning In Boston Yeah Ever since Back in the day When I was delivering newspapers

Matty in the morning Was on the radio I used to listen to him On the radio When I was on my paper route. Him and Charles Laquadera, the mattress, morning mattress. The morning mattress, yeah, yeah.

And then Mark Parenteau. Yeah. Did Mark pass away? Yes, he did, and I went to see him a week before. He was at the Mass General, and I went up to him, and I had him laughing,

and then I said, do you have the AIDS? He goes, no. So I said, I'll kiss you goodbye. He goes, you wouldn't kiss me off AIDS? I said, well, I love you, man, but I'm not here for the trip with you. He did the five after five funnies and blew up comedy. I mean, every time I did that show.

A lot of comics owe him a lot. Oh, I owed him a lot. He was a great, great guy. And then they also had the comedy riot, WBC comedy riot. Exactly right. It was huge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The comedy riot, WBC comedy riot.

Exactly right. It was huge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Radio, this though, doing this is like Carson was 20 years ago. That's how big it is. I mean, really, people from all walks of life, especially the kids, man, the millennials, I don't even know what they are, but they love the show, man. What comes after the millennials? What's the new thing?

Well, I'm just glad we got over that Generation X. I didn't like that. What are you? I don't know. I'm a baby boomer. You're a baby boomer? I'm a baby boomer. How old are you Well, I'm just glad we got over that Generation X. I didn't like that. What are you? I don't know. I'm a baby boomer. You're a baby boomer? I'm a baby boomer. How old are you now?

I'm a hotel-y 66. I can ride the bus for a dime. You look great. Well, not bad for 66, right? You look fucking great. Oh, thank you, man. Especially all the coke and blows you did. Oh, okay.

And you're fucking alive and ticking. I think I'm going to donate the body to science just so they can save the others. They're going to run some tests on you. No one thought I'd make it. No one thought I'd make it. No one thought I'd make it past 25. Well, your era was such a great era of stand-up. And we've talked about that so many times. But you guys in the fucking 80s, really before I came along, because I came along in 88,

and you guys before I came along, you were fucking partying hard. Well, you know, Joe, it was like, you could do whatever you want. We started comedy in Boston, so there were no rules. And if there were any rules, we'd break the rules. And we made up our own rules. And that's why, like today, you see how it is. Today, I really enjoy working in theaters, but the clubs, you know, the other day, this person heckled me.

I hate it. People say, you're so good with hecklers. You know why? Because I hate them. I don't want to deal with them. I want to do the show. I want toled me I hate it people say you're so good with hecklers you know why because I hate them I don't want to deal with them I want to do the show I want to create I want to make sense

but they throw you off you're getting going and they're breaking my mind and you say shit that you go oh and they start crying you know

but why are you fucking with me I'm trying to do a show for you yeah I had a guy I had a guy approach me I'm sorry to interrupt you

I had a guy I did a I think for Dana Farmer The other night Raised more money Than they ever had raised It was great Everyone's saying

Oh thank you so much What is Dana Farmer? Dana Farber It's cancer Cancer research You know it's like The Jimmy Fund And stuff like that

So they asked me I said sure I'll do it So it was nice It was a big event The Mandarin Oriental Fantastic And this guy comes up to me He goes

You know everyone likes you, but I hate you. I go, I want to rip your face off. And I go, hey, it's nice to meet you too, right? So he grabs my water. I go, you can have it. And I walk away to take a picture. So I come back and he goes, here's your water. I go, oh, you can have it.

And I go, you know, I don't know why people like you, but I hate you. And I want to rip your face off. I go, yeah. He said, we had this conversation, so now people come over. Hey, Lenny, can we talk? Get the fuck away from us. And he's screaming at people. He goes, you attacked my father on stage 20 years ago on a Thursday night at Granite

Links. I'm going, hey, pal, I don't remember what I did last Thursday. Say hi to your father. He's dying. I go, hey, man, I had nothing to do with it. I've been here all night. Guy was insane They eventually

Had him escorted out By security It was really wild But I mean Jesus Christ You know I mean Look Well it shows you

Hecklers make weak babies Oh man yeah They make dumb kids Don't fuck with somebody If you're not I mean I've been doing it For 42 years I've been married

Two or three times You know There's a lot of shit I've covered You're not three times. There's a lot of shit I've covered. You're not going to surprise me. That's a hilarious take on it. You can have that water. The guy grabbed.

I've never had security in my life because I'm a man of the people. I still take the tea just for shits and giggles. Wow, crazy. Yeah, wow. Because I'm thinking, punch him in his throat, and he'll just drop to his knees, and no one will even know what happened. I'll say, we need a medic, you know. And then I was going to whisper in his ear, why don't you meet me outside 10 minutes? I'm going, I can't do that, man.

I was all dressed nice. If you're going to punch someone in the throat, though, the problem is sometimes you nick the chin. The real way to do it is this. This with your hand. Yeah. Just slam that fucking thing in the throat right in there. That's how to do it is this this with your hand yeah just slam that fucking thing in the throat right in there that's how you do it if you punch someone in the throat yeah first first of all you could say i pushed him away from me right right i fucked that up now someone's gonna say oh

episode oh yeah yeah i know that's what he does but that's how you if you want to hit someone in the throat yeah and you don't want to really hurt them, you want to get them the fuck away from you, just use your open hand like that. Your open hand, just like that. It's amazing how much force you can generate with your hand like that and just slam it into someone's throat. And you don't have to wind up.

No, this is a gentle, this is a tender area. It's very vulnerable. Well, that's what's going through my mind. This guy is screaming at me, right? I couldn't believe it. I said, Jesus, you know. Yeah, it's unfortunate. But there's always going to be fucking people that are unhinged.

There's always going to be people that can't hang. But what's really amazing, Lenny, is the amount of shows that we do, how many people keep it together. Yes. Live show. Ladies and gentlemen, Lenny Clark. It's all live. It's happening.

You know, I said that the other night. This is not some program thing. I don't know where I'm going. Right, right, right. I mean, you treat me good, I'll treat you better. You fuck with me, I'll follow you home and burn your house to the ground. You know, I mean, I just want to make you laugh. I'm not here.

I have no hidden agenda. I'm paying the bills. You know what I mean? Because to do stand-up now is so much different than before because you can't say words. You can, but it's dangerous. No, not me. I can't. No, you're looking at an old white man.

A couple more years down the road, I'll be able to say whatever I want. He's just elderly. I saw it in paper the other day. Some kids beat up this 63-year-old guy and there's a big federal case against him because he's elderly. I go, I'm 66. I'm not going down like that guy. You know what I mean?

These kids are going to be surprised. Look, I'm elderly. Jesus Christ. Yeah, it's – I just – I hope, Joe, I really do, that this is all – A cycle? Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

Cyclical. Well, either way, it works for me because you know where I was going when I went like this. Do you think it will come back? I think it's coming around already. You do? Yeah. Yeah, I do. Yeah, I think people are tired of political correctness, and they also realize that there's

good aspects to political correctness, right? It's good to be kind to people. It's good to be nice. It's not good to shit on the downtrodden and punch down on people that are disenfranchised. I'd rather have you as a friend than an enemy. I really would. Because a lot of times, you forget your enemies. You're at a party going,

oh shit, I forgot I fucking hate you. Have you ever had that happen to you? Sure. I'd rather, and people say, well, you don't worry what people think. What people think is usually what you are. If you're a dick, people are going to think you're a dick. I'd rather be a nice

guy. I've gotten way, way better just letting shit go. i don't care i mean holding grudges and wanting to get back at someone that's nonsense it's for fools yeah there's people that they they fucking they'll they grind on it all day like they'll hate someone and they they just want to talk about that person all fucking day and they're all it's always a waste of time it's a waste of time doesn't do you any good No Just let it go Let it go As you get older

And I've got quite a few years on you I'm in that thing now Because someone told me Holding a grudge is like Drinking poison And want the other person to die Yes And it eats you up

I don't have time for that I got other problems I'm dealing with I think that quote is for jealousy But it applies with both things. Well, there you go. Yeah, it applies with both things. It's foolish. It's like, look, I want people to get, if you and me have a dispute, I'd like you to

get over it. I'd like to get over it too. I'm not into like having enemies for life. Those people that want enemies for life, they don't know what a real enemy is. I know. You don't know what a real enemy is. You're a paper tiger. You're making, you're just talking this is nonsense like real enemies they want to kill you yeah okay and if you don't want to kill me i don't want to kill you so let's

just stop yeah it's a push nonsense yeah it's a push let it go it's most most disputes uh look we're all different at different points in the day, at different times in our life. You know, you catch me and I just got in some sort of a fucking dispute with somebody and then I'm in my car. I'm going to behave very differently than if I just got a hug from my kids and then I get in my car. You know what I mean? Yes. Everybody's different at different points in their life. You might have just got fired. You might have just come out and somebody keyed your car.

Someone's having a bad day. You met them on a bad day. And I usually am more than willing to give people a benefit of the doubt. Shy people are often misunderstood. Yep. And I've learned that 30 years ago. If someone's shy, it's not that they're – they're shy. They're afraid to be friendly.

Yeah. And give them the benefit of the doubt. Don't hate someone just because they're afraid to say hello yeah yeah yeah it's uh you know people deal with all kinds of different social issues you know and a lot of people that hold grudges and that are angry what they're really doing is they're distracting themselves from their own failures you know that's really what they're doing instead of this is and i've said that i said this one of the last podcasts but i'll repeat it because it's very important the The way I look at life is I have bandwidth. Let's say I got 100 points.

I don't have any points for anybody I don't care about. I don't have any time for that. I have time for things that I care about and the people that I love. That's what I have time for. And those other things, if I have to deal with them, I deal with them. And then as soon as I can get them out of my head, I'm gone. I have 100 deal with them, I deal with them. And then as soon as I can get them out of my head, I'm gone. I have 100 points of bandwidth. And those 100 points, I'd like to use 100 of them on things that I love and things that I care about.

And that's it. And that's how you get by in life. And that's how you become successful. Because if you spend your time, you know, 30% of your time wondering and pondering shit you don't like, that, unless you're making comedy out of it, that is going to fail you. It's going to cost you. Because you're 70%. Now you only have 70% for the good stuff. It's not going to be as good as 100%.

You're not going to do as good with your comedy. You're not going to do as good as whatever the fuck you do. If you're a sculptor or a painter or you're making music. You know, a certain amount of art requires a certain amount, I think, some art requires a certain amount of angst and uncomfortable feeling and just something that allows you to dig deep into your emotions and create something. And sometimes out of anger and hate, you can get some fucking amazing comedy. That's my best stuff ever.

Yes. But you got to treat it like that. Like, don't bring it home with you. Don't carry it around. I mean, like, a bad show when I first started,

I'd be upset for a weekend. Now it's like, you know, by the time I hit the car, I go, oh, I love this song.

That still bothers me. No. That's my number one problem. Really? If I fuck up on stage, even if I fuck up one bit and get a standing ovation, that one bit will fucking a standing ovation right

that one bit will fucking haunt me i will go home by myself sitting in front of the tv and just go fuck just fucking shit and then i'll just write it out again and i'll practice it again i'll i mean i'll uh how long will you how long will you stick with a bit that to you is very funny but it's not working for the crowd oh that's a problem that's a pro i had a bit that i was doing for a while about the second coming project the second coming project was a group of people back in the day when genetics when they first started you know applying genetic research and they were what they were going to do is these people wanted to take samples of tissue from what they the shroud of turin do you remember whatroud of Turin.

Do you remember what the Shroud of Turin is? Yeah, of course. It came off the face of Jesus. They thought it came off the face of Jesus. They found out later through carbon testing that it was really only a couple hundred years old. But when these people before they- Whose face did it come off?

Did they ever figure it out? It's fake. It's fake. It's not really- The Shroud of Turin. I didn't know the Shroud of Turin was fake. Yeah, Google that. Google the Shroud of Turin.

They did a test on it. I think it turned out to just only be a few hundred years old. Anyway, what they were going to try to do is they were going to try to take DNA from that and then clone Jesus. And so the bit I had was that, you know, with Dolly the sheep. Right. They tried to clone Dolly the sheep a bunch of times. Right. Like it wasn't like as simple as the first time they did it, it worked out. I'm like, what if they clone Jesus and he comes back with some birth defects?

What do they do? Do they kill him and start from scratch? Do they do it again? What if they clone Jesus and he has Down syndrome? So I had this whole bit about Jesus with Down syndrome. And then instead of a cross, he had a hockey helmet. And then like the power, like he would turn dog shit into cookies. Like he had like, instead of turning water into wine, it was a terrible bit.

But I thought it was so funny. And how long did you do this before you gave up on it? I hung in there for a few months. Really? I hung in there for a few months, yeah. I was trying to figure out a way. I'm down to like three shots. I throw three shots, it's not working.

And yet, when you're with friends, funny friends, people you hang out with, you'll say, oh my God, you should use that. No, it doesn't work. It doesn't work. Well, sometimes you just got to let it go and put it aside and then come back to it later. And just come back to it with fresh eyes. Yeah.

Sometimes. But you know, Chris Rock, you know that bit that he had for years? side and then come back to it later and just come back to it with fresh eyes yeah sometimes but you know chris rock you know that bit that he had for years he had this bit uh there's black people then there's the n-word right you know that bit he said he bombed with that bit for like a fucking year he couldn't get it to work right people get mad at him he would buy and then it became one of the greatest bits of all time yeah yeah because he stuck yeah. Because he stuck with it, and he figured it out, and he worked at it. But, you know, he's a craftsman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a guy that will go over his material, and he'll run it by other comics, and they'll

work on it. I mean, that's one of the greatest bits of all time, and he stuck through it because he just knew there was something there. Right. I mean, there's those two. It's like, it's hard. It's hard to tell. I knew that the second coming project was never going to be one of those, though. It was just there. Right. I mean, there's those two. It's like, it's hard. It's hard to tell. I knew that the second coming project

was never going to be one of those, though. It was just too fucked up. It was just too fucked up. But I remember I did it one time at the comedy store and some lady goes, next subject! Oh my God.

She yelled out. Oh God. She was screaming at me. I hate you. She was screaming at me. Next subject. I'll never forget that lady. I started laughing when she said it, which was even worse.

I got an old lady story. We lived at the Barracks. There's 14 comedians living in that place in Harvard Square. I don't know if you ever came by because I was pretty high back then. No, what was the Barracks? The Barracks was an apartment that Mike and I had. What year was this? Oh, God.

It was the 80s. In the beginning,? Oh, God. It was 80s. In the beginning, you know, when Stan... So it was probably before my day. I came in in 88. So 85.

And by Mike, you're saying Mike Clark. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. So we had this house and it was like three or four bedrooms in Kenny Rogerson's room, which was like a closet

with a sheet over. We referred to it as the sperm room. And Kenny, we had, the rent was $165 a month. The landlord's name was Wing Wong. And we were working at the dinghole for Shun Li. So $165 between sometimes 10 guys. We didn't have it.

We were blowing it, all right? So now every comedian who came in from out of town, they didn't have to get a hotel. You just go by the barracks. There was a key under the mat. At the barracks. There was a key under the mat. At the end, there was like 11 keys under the mat. But there was this old lady next door in the third floor apartment. And we would rage all night. I would break windows.

I just love the sound of breaking glass. We had a window guy on call. People say, it's freezing, Lenny. Call the window guy. I just love to throw things through glass. I remember Sweeney ducked. And I put a bottle through the window, and he's laying on the floor. And I go, Sweeney, what's wrong with you?

I'm just having fun. He goes, don't talk down to me. I go, well, you're lying on the floor. Get up. So now this woman, she's an old woman. She goes, I said, hey, I hate you, Lenny Clark. I hate you. I said, listen, I'm going to the store.

You want me to get you anything? And she yelled at the top, Lenny Clark, I only live to see you dead, right? And all the neighbors, every neighbor, they're laughing, right? Oh, Joe, it gets worse. So now, you know, I'd send the flowers

every now and then and she'd throw them off the balcony. I don't want your fucking flowers. I want you dead, right? So she ends up getting murdered. Oh, no. Like cut up and like decapitated.

Oh, yeah, yeah. So the cops come to the house one day, and I'm laying in my bed puking in a bucket, and Rogerson comes in, and he wakes me. He said, did you murder the lady next door last night? I go, no. He goes, okay, you can come in. And the cops come in. And they go Lenny

We don't think it was you We gotta ask you questions Where were you last night And they go I don't remember I go But I know I got here later It worked out

I was at the ding And then we hung out We hung out after hours And I don't know where it was But then I get home But you know That woman I don't think they ever

Saw the case But it definitely wasn't me Because I was too lazy To walk up three flights of stairs. We used to have police cars parked in her parking space. She didn't have a car, but we'd have the paddy wagon parked down below. Oh, it was crazy. So you'd have the cops come over and party with you?

Yeah. Yeah. Most of them got thrown off the force. They never solved? They never solved that case as far as I know. There was a guy that I used to train with who uh got arrested i don't know if you remember this case but they they were they took this guy and they were breaking his bones with a hammer and then injecting with cocaine to keep him awake because he was he was

blacking out from the pain oh and they cut his hands off they cut his head off they cut everything off and uh this dude that i knew got arrested for it and uh when i asked him about it he knew something like it was one of those things where like you know you ask someone like i go they arrested you i go why would they arrest you and it was like this i don't know i don't know nothing i was like oh you know something i was like holy shit i was like oh my god i might know a fucking serious murderer oh yeah yeah he went to jail for something else i forget what he went to jail i knew him when i was 16 and he went to jail and then he came out and when he came out like all his tattoos he had scars all over all of

his tattoos like apparently he tried to burn his tattoos off in the joint and he was like just a different person like his time in jail i guess he was in jail for like maybe five years from when i knew him wow and he came out five years later and started training again before he got arrested and um just super spooky to be around somebody that you think might have done that no i i know of a few murderers. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I didn't know at the time when I met them, but over the years I've gone, oh my.

Well, the guy who got the pass, Johnny Matarano, he was on 16 Minutes. He stops at Stop and Shop in Somerville. People go, you know who that is? I go, Johnny Matarano. He go, hi, Lenny. I went, oh, hey, Johnny. 25 murders.

How's he out? Deals. I mean, he did time. He did a lot of time. But he was on 60. No, no, no. 25 murders. Come on. Are you kidding me?

It seems like he should be in jail forever. Sammy the Bull. How many did Sammy the Bull kill? A lot. He was out dealing meth in Arizona. I think he's still out. Yeah, he is. I think he's out again.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I got no beef with him. I don't either. So one of my buddies in high school, his name was Bubba Good. He was the funniest person I ever met in my life. Word out of the door. One day he stole 12 Corvettes, 12 red Corvettes and lined them up outside. And in one of the Corvettes, there was a briefcase full of cash.

And he went in and he bought the entire lunchroom. Lunch. Lunch is on me. At high school, right? Lunch is on me. He stole Cor, right? Lunch is on me. He stole Corvettes in high school? He stole Corvettes. Oh, yeah.

And he lined them up outside. Jesus Christ. Oh, he was amazing. So he goes to Walpole. You remember Walpole State Prison? Okay. So we're doing a show at Walpole. You know, a couple of guys asked me, are you coming?

Yeah. So they said, Mr. Clark, before you come in, we just want to let you know, if there's any drugs or drug remnants on you, you're not going to be released. And I went, oh, let me change my clothes. So I changed my clothes. I went in, and I did the show. And it was really— So they would swab you? Yeah.

So if they swabbed you and they found coke on your shirt, you stay in. Yeah. And they explained that. And this is like 35 years ago, right? So—and this was when Walpole was still maximum security. You know, I mean, the worst of the worst. So we go in and I'm with DJ and a couple of people. DJ Hazard?

Yeah, DJ Hazard and I think Sweeney. How's he doing? I don't, I think there was a cancer thing and then he beat that. But hey, good guy. Oh my God. Remind me about DJ. I want to finish this so I'm on stage

and I'm thinking hey man Papa's in here and he jumps up on stage and I go Papa he goes

how you doing he goes I'm in here under an assumed name I'm in here under Danny this is 35 years ago he's in Walpole

under an assumed name I mean could that be anyway he gets out and then he murders some guy and he goes back and he's in for double life now. Two murders.

And I said to him, Papa, why'd you kill the guy? He goes, he was talking shit. He's just a little bit of a guy but funny. I mean, he's the type of guy if someone wanted to kick his ass, he could make them laugh so hard you couldn't punch him. He was that funny. And now he's in. He's been in for, I want to visit him but they said it's not a good idea but i'm gonna go visit him you know

i'm old now he's been he's been over 30 years now it's so funny how if you're in the nightclub business like we are you're gonna run into people along the way that have done some horrible shit. Oh. Oh. I know a guy sawed a guy's head off. With a saw? I think a sword. You know, one of those, like, samurai swords.

And then threw it on a guy's lawn. I mean, yeah, yeah, there was drugs involved. Obviously. I remember,

there was crack, but crack, but crack before crack, what was the, freebase, freebase was crack. Oh, yeah. But crack before crack. What was the other? Freebase. Freebase was crack. That was for people with money. That was the Richard Pryor days.

Okay. Richard Pryor was in the Freebase. So the first time, I'm Freebase at like an MBTA station in South Boston. And I think Kennison was there. Yeah, Kennison was there. And this guy who's away for life now, too, remained nameless. But I took a hit, and I'm passing out. I mean, I'm so high, I'm passing out.

And all I could hear was, what are we going to do with the body? That was the last thing I heard. Whose body? Me! You? Oh, if you die? Yeah, yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ.

They thought you were overdosing? I thought it was, I can can't you're smoking that stuff and you're thinking i used to stop my own heart boom you know it punches out as i can oh god you know because when i went to when i finally went to the doctors and had the atrial fibrillation and all the heart damage they did they said well what do you think it was well you know maybe the weight you know because I was almost 400 pounds. And they go, I go, what about Coke?

And he said, well, you had to do an awful lot of Coke. I said, well, there's a small mountain in Peru that's missing. You think it's really that much?

I go, oh yeah, oh yeah. So yeah, it was insane. Well, then also, if you're getting Coke,

you got to know people who sell Coke. I had people who would bring Coke to me. You know, my mother always said, Leonard, be very careful in show business. People are going to try to give you drugs. I go, Ma, they don't give them.

They sell them to you. But people did give me drugs. I got a dealer who said, try my Coke. No, try my Coke. My Coke's better. Just to hang out, to be in the show. You know how it was. It was like being with rock stars.

And a lot of rock stars were with us. Well, people talk about the days, the early days of Boston comedy, and it almost sounds fake because they used to pay you with Coke. Yeah. Like I was offered money or Coke. Right, right. That's how they would pay you.

Thank God I didn't do Coke. First time that happened to me, I was in Sarasota, Florida. And they go, Lenny, it's been a great week. You know, we owe you $3,000. How about we give you three grand or an ounce of Coke? And I said, well, why don't we do half and half? And then that started my time travel. And I ended up in Sarasota.

I left Sarasota. I wanted to meet Jackie the Joke Man. And I ended up in Tampa. Tampa from Sarasota is hundreds and hundreds of miles. It's not close. Did you drive it? Evidently. Because Jackie, how'd you get here?

I go, time travel, Jackie, time travel. Do some blow. Just do some blow and driving over all the guys. Oh, God, Jesus. You mentioned DJ and what happened to him. Because DJ, he was really good with the ladies. Because he played the guitar And they all wanted I mean

He was sinister looking Yeah yeah yeah yeah I remember Kremens broke a captain's chair Over his head one night And I had to stop I go you're gonna kill Anyway Somebody broke a

Who broke a captain's chair? Kremens took a Barry Kremens? Took a captain's chair Broke it over DJ's head? Yeah Why? I don't know

He said some shit evidently Was it for fun Or were they angry at each other? You. Why? I don't know. It's some shit, evidently. Was it for fun or were they angry at each other? You know what? No, it wasn't for fun. They were pissed. And they were really close, too. Barry was so intimidating. Well, you know what?

One night, a fight broke out. And a guy came at Barry with a knife. And I kicked the knife out of his hand. And Gavin's there with his ring going, that was very well done. You know what I'm saying? Gavin! Very well done. You know, this time Gavin kicked him. Very well done. That doesn't move, right?

So then the guy comes back through the door with another knife. Oh, my God. And I just dive through the door, roll down onto the street, and just kick the shit out of him. And Gavin comes and goes, that was like a big shaver.

Not one, but two blades. Two blades. And he never moved from his seat. He never moved from his seat. He never moved from his seat. Gavin kills me. Like, the other day, he's moving to Florida. Gavin is? Yeah, yeah.

Gavin's moving to Florida. And we had a little time for him. And I said to him, hey, Don, how you doing? He goes, geez, Lenny, you look great. I go, yeah, well, you know, I'm trying to get healthy, Don. And how's your blood pressure? He goes, I don't know. I said, I take my blood pressure like three times a day now.

He goes, how about you? He goes, you're taking enough For both of us That guy still goes hard Oh Still goes hard Last time I saw him He had a drink in his hand Was still going hard

Glassy eyed It's like gasoline Oh funny Oh my god So funny So quick So funny Doesn't give a fuck

Doesn't care School teacher Yep More degrees than a thermometer This guy He was Genius guy Yes He used to do blow In the barracks Till around School teacher. Yep. More degrees than a thermometer. This guy, he was a genius guy. Yes.

He used to do blow in the barracks till around 6.30 in the morning. We'd be playing cards and he'd always win. He beat everybody. And he goes, I got to go. Where? I got to go to teach school. And he put on his jacket and he'd drive to win. Right?

He'd run. Joe. And now you wouldn't believe How many people Come into the show Is Gavin here Why He was my teacher In high school Now other people

He was my father's teacher To this day I think he's the greatest comic That people don't know about Out of doubt One of the greatest comics Of all time I remember seeing him

At Stitches Thinking I should probably quit I'm like I should probably quit I'll never be as good As this guy First night I see him perform I go go, man, you were great.

How long have you been doing this? He goes, this is my first time. I go, you're full of shit. And he goes, oh, nice meeting you, too, and walked away. And I was very jealous that a guy would just step up to this and be that good. And then we would hang around together and hope that people would freak out.

Remember Joel asking how good he was? Sometimes he'd get high, and he'd go, I can't go on, and he'd leave. And me and Gavin were the non-ons. If someone panicked, we'd be at the bar. Ready to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Gavin goes, let's get him fucked up and see if he cracks under the pressure. Well, he was so smart.

That's why Gavin was so good. He had so many things to talk about, and his way of looking at things was so smart. That's why Gavin was so good. He had so many things to talk about. And his way of looking at things was so intelligent. And he legitimately didn't give a fuck. So everything was casual. All of his best punchlines were casual. It's a story that I've never, ever told. And I know it's going to be heard by maybe 20 million people.

I don't give a shit. We went to a show. One of his buddies was a bartender at the 99. And one of the guys who worked there was sick. So they asked us to do a show for him, a benefit, to raise some money. So we did. And he says, geez, I wish I had money to pay. And Gavin goes, who's that credit card?

He goes, well, that's someone left. He goes, we'll take that as payment. He goes, so we go home. We get banged up that night. And he goes, what's someone left he goes we'll take that as payment he goes so we go on we get banged up that night and he goes what's the hottest place in america right now what's the hottest place in the paper because they have all the i said uh puerto rico 98 he goes we're going to puerto rico he gets us tickets gets us planes tickets and we get a we get a big bag of blow and we get on we get it lo. And we're doing blow all night. He goes, yeah, hold this.

And so we land. And Gav goes, where's the blow? And I go, I did it. He goes, you did it all? I go, yeah. I don't want to get busted going through customs. He goes, Puerto Rico's America, you idiot. You did it.

We check into a hotel. And we're signing. And I keep saying it. I turn around. What's my name again? So we're down there for the weekend. It's unbelievable. Just don't draw attention to us.

And now I'm off. Why don't draw attention? Why? Because we're on a phony credit card. So I'm throwing cheers into the pool. He goes, that's right. Don't attract attention. So we go to dinner.

We go to the most famous restaurant down there. And we get the Chateaubriand for two. I always wanted it. I didn't even know what it was. But they come out and they cook it at the table. And I'm sure they go, hey, everybody, you're probably wondering, who's getting that dish? That'd be me, right? And Gavin's going, yeah, that's it.

Don't draw any attention. He goes, I'll be your captain today. I go, here's 50 bucks. Make yourself a general. Gavin's going, no, no yeah, that's it. Don't draw any attention. He goes, I'm a major. I'll be your captain today. I go, here's 50 bucks. Make yourself a general. Gav goes, no, no, don't do it. And I said, Gav, I want to get you this $800 bottle of wine. He goes, no, no, no.

That's drawing attention. Why don't we get two, three bottles, $300 bottles of wine? I go, oh, you're so smart. So anyway, we get to the room. And he puts up with me. So he loses a bunch gambling, right? And I don't have any money. I'm throwing my money away on tips.

I'm a big tipper. So he goes, I get bad news. He goes, what? They shut off the credit cards. I go, what? He goes, yeah, there's no way for us to get back. And I go, oh, why don't you take what money you've got left and go down and try to win some and send me back to Boston. Then I'll wire your money because, you know, I'm good for all the money back there we need. He goes, why should I send you?

And I go, because you're like the second greatest con man that ever lived. He goes, who's the first? I said, Jim Rockford. He goes, Jim Rockford? He's not even a real person. The Rockford Files? He's not even a real person. So Gav goes, stay here.

So I barricade myself in the room. There was a big computer that made drinks. It was the Caribbean Hilton, I think. Yeah, it was. And you could push buttons and it would make all different drinks. I drank that empty. I had to push that against the door. Gav goes, let me in.

I got us two tickets. I go, yay. I finally fell asleep because I was a nervous wreck. So we fly out and Gav goes. So he got money gambling? He got money gambling. And I don't know how he did it. I was a nervous wreck. So we fly out. And Gavin goes. So he got money gambling? He got money gambling. And I don't know how he did it. I didn't even ask.

But he got us both back to Boston. And he says, I'm never going anywhere with you ever again. But the thing was, second greatest con man in the world. He goes, he's not even real, Lenny. The Rock and Rolls guy is not even real. Oh, God. But he was brilliant. Gavin was brilliant.

What year was this? Oh, Jesus. Had to be 87, 88. Oh, God. Oh God But that's He was brilliant Gavin was What year was this? Oh Jesus Had to be 87 88 Oh God The good days Oh I mean

Think of that We're going to the hottest place We almost went to Venezuela Thank God You know And what time of year was this? It was It was

The fall Oh okay So it was starting to get sucky Yeah yeah yeah It wasn't It wasn't snowing yet Or anything like that You know I used to think That it was bad to that weather but now i think it makes better people i really do it makes tougher people yes but but i gotta tell you resilient yeah but i i'm

you know you're away from me you don't live there i mean two years three years ago we had like 10 feet of snow in three days you know yeah Yeah. People jumping out their third floor windows just to get out of the house. Yeah. I want to get away from the winter. No, I get it. I don't want to live there. No. I don't want to live there.

But I think growing up there did me a lot of good. Well, you know what? There's a lot of advantages to be. It does make you a tougher person, more resilient. And they have the best education, the best doctors. I mean, it's a- The education in Boston is excellent. the best doctors. I mean, it's a... The education in Boston is excellent. And the medical.

I mean, anyone with money who gets sick, you know, they don't go to Burbank. They fly into the MGA. There's more colleges per capita in the Boston area than anywhere in the country.

Absolutely. The thing about it, though, is that... And I couldn't get into any of them. When you're in the cold, there's something about... There's like a certain camaraderie that everybody shares

when you're stuck. Yeah, this sucks. You help people. You help people that are stuck. You'll push out an elderly couple whose car's off the road, and then you'll hang on the bumper as they drive away. I've done a lot of that shit. I've never done any of that around here. Around here, I'm like, if you've got a flat tire, you can fucking figure it out.

It's warm out. You'll be fine. Or you can call somebody back east. They'll come quicker than your neighbor. That's the truth. I lived out here for your neighbor. Right out here. Yeah, they will. That's the truth. Yeah, I lived out here for years. I was out here for 12 years. Yeah, your story out here is one of the most horrific stories about what can happen if you get a crooked agent.

Oh. And I've told many guys your story. Oh. You know, we talk about murder. You're very lucky that you didn't wind up murdering your agent. I knew where his kids went to school. I knew where he was. Well, tell everybody what happened.

I think you might have talked about this before, but just so this podcast is alone. I became really big. You had a television show. Yeah, a television show named after me. This is like, what, 93, 92? 90. I mean, it happened so long ago.

I think they're going to colorize it. Joe, here's another thing I can't find I mean I have like VHS of it someplace you know but you can't even go on YouTube

and find Lenny's you know there was 17 Lenny's 17 or 18 Lenny's and his show was the the highest rated show since All in the Family on CBS

it was a great show it was a great show an amazing cast and a guy who played my father, Eugene Roach. He just taught me everything I knew. I never acted in my life. And you caught the perfect wave, the Roseanne wave, Tim Allen, Jerry Seinfeld. All those guys were getting sitcoms and you got one too. My show started the year Seinfeld started.

And Seinfeld didn't have a great first year. We had a great first year. We were doing amazing. And then the first Gulf War broke out. And that killed me. Lenny will not be seen tonight, so we can bring in the war in the Gulf. And then when they brought me back, there was the World Series. Lenny was admitted for the World Series.

And then they changed me from, I forget what night I was on, but they brought me to, I ended up at Friday nights, which is like. Ooh, that's death for TV. Death for TV. And I went from having everything. night i was on but they brought me to i ended up at friday nights which is like yeah that's death for tv and you know and then you know i i went from having everything you know i mean i had a mansion in the marina you know a playboy model wife who happened to be a coke dealer i mean what more could you want what could go wrong what could go wrong and then uh this guy they said you need an agent and i i said i want seinfeld and Leno's agent. And the guy at the time was both.

Both of those guys were with him. And he would be getting, he'd say, you want Seinfeld? Well, we'll hire this guy. You want Leno? Hire this guy. Well, I was that guy. And they would have Richard Jenney, who, he was a monster comedian. He was a monster.

He was a monster. And they'd be hiring him to open for me. I'd go, I don't need him to open for me. I have this new guy that's never been on stage before. I mean, why work if you don't have to? I mean, he'd make me work my ass off. Well, Jenny was one of the greatest of all time. He's another guy that people forgot about.

I sing his praises on this podcast all the time. Incredibly funny. And I get along with him. He was a nice guy. I mean, we always hit it off, you know. But he was a monster comic, man. Because I don't think I'm funnier than anything. I'm insane.

And I've made my money being insane. I got no problem with that. You know, because anyone goes, well, who's funnier? Who's funnier? You know who's funnier? The new Asian kid coming up. You better watch your back. Or the new Indian kid.

Because it's all, everything's new. Watch out for the new guy. I don't care. It'll all be funny. I just want to act now. I don't even want, it doesn't matter. How often are you doing stand-up these days? I do it to pay the bills.

I work the giggles. I work giggles at least once a month. Because you can't walk away or you'll lose your fastball. You'll lose everything. You'll lose your fastball. You'll lose everything. Yeah, you will. And I do a lot

Of charity work And I do that Because it made my parents happy And it's the right thing to do Plus I do a lot For the Mass General And they've kept me alive Over the years

And I really That's the truth Joe Do you remember Eastside Comedy Club In Long Island In Long Island yes Richard Jenney was there One weekend

And they said he did Four different hours Two shows Friday Two shows And they said he did Four different hours Two shows Friday Two shows Saturday They said he never Repeated a joke Yeah And I remember

We were all sitting around It was me and Joey Cola And a couple other comics We were just looking At the ground Looking at the ground Shaking our head Going what the fuck

Like how How does he do it And it was all A stuff A You know it wasn't like I do two different hours In one night

And a lot of it was shit, but I was so high, I didn't care. I'm just, hey, it's all new, baby. Enjoy this, you know? Yeah, but it was all A stuff, A perfection. He was a craftsman. He was a craftsman. He worked with Rock, by the way.

Him and Rock worked on a lot of Chris Rock's earlier specials. He worked with Richard Jenney. No kidding. Yeah, Richard Jenney would like, they would tighten up bits together. Yeah. And DePaulo did a lot with Rock. Yes, he did. Oh, God, he kills me.

DePaulo's a great joke writer. He's a fantastic joke writer. And he gets in trouble all the time just for writing great stuff. Yeah. You know, and, oh, you know what? He's always not, Nick is always not giving a fuck. No.

He's always had that, I'll fuck the fuck giving a fuck. No. He's always had that, fuck the fuck out of here. He's always had that. And it kills me. I mean, it's just... People go, I'm offended. You know what? I'm offended that you're offended.

So I raise you being offended. Fuck you. How's that? You happy with that? I remember when I first saw Nick at Stitches, it made me excited because here was this guy who looked like a football player.

A handsome football player. Back of his thick head, a full jet black hair good looking good great looking guy but funny as shit yeah yeah oh you don't have to be a nerd to be a comedian no so but i mean growing up in boston that was a really good thing to learn because you guys like you and sweeney and Kevin Knox. This is big fucking men. Big men. They weren't nerds. People would say, what an imposing line.

It was like an O-line. Big fucking giant guys were savages. Now, Kevin Knox, you know, but people, he used to come in to the ding-ho, open mic night, and I put on like 40 people,

I don't care, and one night someone brought in a big bag of blow, and I said to Knoxxious listen you're up next he goes i can't he'd be in there every week with a couple of broads he had his own table was like a condo table his table and he just loved comedy and i said hey man you're up next he goes i've never done it i said just cover me for 10 minutes and he went up and he never looked back and he got better and better and he had the long flowing hair and the tennis he was a tennis instructor yeah he had a

what's it called like a mullet a mullet yeah I forgot the name of the haircut but it was even more than a mullet

it was flowing it was like there was a fan on him at all times the hair was flowing and he was the first guy that I knew that was a comic

that was like really in his health he was always jogging and exercising. And taking vitamins and stuff. Speaking of health, how were you doing? I'm great. Did you have a shoulder or a back thing that you were doing? I've had a gang of things.

I've always had something. But that's just because I beat the shit out of my body. Yeah. I remember when I was listening to one of your podcasts and you were talking about shoulder surgery and how you- I avoided it with stem cells. Exactly. Now, a buddy of mine, this Navy SEAL,

he said to me, I was having back problems and Gronk gave me some of that CBD. CBD, yeah. I saw some out on your thing. Oh, yeah, yeah. I love that stuff. And I needed that

because I just did this movie where I had a fight scene. Oh, no. And he calls me up and he goes, hey, how you doing, Lenny? I go, okay, we're excited about having you. How's your back? I go, back's fine. And I just heard it the night before driving in the car, like a three-hour drive.

I couldn't move. So I said to Gronk, I need some of that stuff. And it helped me. Oh, yeah. It really worked. I couldn't believe it. Well, it's all about inflammation. And CBD is fantastic at reducing inflammation. I take it every day. Every day. Yeah. I believe't believe it. Well, it's all about inflammation, and CBD is fantastic at reducing inflammation.

I take it every day. Every day. Yeah. I believe in it wholeheartedly. Now, when you say you take it, you take the pills? Drops. Drops. Yeah, I haven't tried that.

I just tried the rub-on stuff, you know? The rub-on stuff's great, too, but the drops are more effective. Really? The way to do it, though, is to do both. You do the drops and the rub-on stuff. It's not like you get overdose on CBD. Right. It's not even psychoactive.

It just reduces inflammation. Well, no one's overdosed yet. You might do it. Hey, you know what happened to Lenny? He OD'd on CBD. The first guy. Jesus Christ, Lenny. But the stem cell stuff, which I am all for.

You know what I mean? I mean, the semi-cells tell me, my bankers say, Lenny, there's a place in Dallas, I guess they can inject you into your bloodstream and it goes through all the parts of your body. Yes. Yeah, exosomes. It's not just in Dallas. They do it here in Santa Monica. Really? Lifespan medicine. Yeah.

Shout out to Dr. Ben Ruhi. Yeah, I've had it down there. Dr. Ben Ruhi? Yeah. See, now that's what I love about you. You've got that gym out there, which is amazing. And I said to one of the guys at WorkFast, does Joe do things? No, Joe buys everything.

Joe wants to be beholden to no one. I go, wow, I wish I could be like that. I'm beholden to everybody. I don't want. I know you don't. If you have someone sponsor you, then you have to get their shit. Maybe it's not the best shit. I buy that Rogue equipment.

I buy it. They don't give me a discount. It's the best shit you can that rogue equipment i buy it they don't give me a discount it's the best shit you can get all those crossfitters use it it's fucking phenomenal it's it's all rock solid you're like space age shit out there the new space age running thing oh that thing's crazy that's insane zero yeah yeah zero runner that's great but you know what i like even better that air runner the one that you propel yourself. The assault. The treadmill. Assault. Air assault. Air assault treadmill. Yeah.

That's amazing. You propel yourself on it. Yeah, yeah. It's not a motor. You know, like a regular treadmill is a motor. You press a button and you just keep up with the machine. This doesn't have a machine. This is you actually pulling it.

So it's 13% harder than regular running. Wow. Yeah. But less on the joints. Yes. Less on the joints yes less than the joints there's no pounding it gives in it's very gentle see because when i was fat that's the worst morbidly obese my knee i would still jog because i i wanted to come down i didn't want to be fat you know these people go oh i'm happy with myself they're lying to you no one wants to be 400 pounds it's

a bunch of bullshit happier not exercising than they are exercising because they just don't like doing it. So they say, I'm happy being this weight. But you could give them a pill and say, hey, look, I'll give you a pill and you're going to look like Jason Momoa. Oh, okay. I'll take it. I'll take it. Nobody would take it. I took the last 30 pounds that I lost to get down to the 200-pound plateau.

I actually lost 200 pounds with drops from this New England fat loss. And they were drops, all organic and stuff like that. And then recently they took my DNA and they match up the foods that affect your body and the inflammation and the stuff like that. And I'm going, oh, man. Because you know as well as I do, you can work out until the cows come home. But if you eat those cows

when they come home, you're going to be a big fat bastard. You've got to eat right. It's 80% what you eat, 20% what you do. You know that. You work out every day.

I work out for my head. Me too. Yeah, me too. Keep the demons away. Oh, fight those demons. Get them out. Kill those demons. Get them out running. Yeah, I beat the shit out of the bag. I'm trying to kill the demons away Oh fight those demons Get those Kill those demons Get them out running

Yeah I beat the shit Out of the bag I'm trying to kill the demons Yes Yes But you eat right too Yes Yeah you've got to

You know Yeah sugar's the number one thing Get the fuck Get that shit the fuck Out of your life Get rid of sugar I mean you know Have a cookie occasionally

Nothing wrong with that But the people that have sugar Every day They drink sodas And they drink sodas and eat candy bars, you're killing yourself. Slowly but surely. I get off the desserts by going to the Mad Russian.

You ever hear of this guy? Yeah, I have heard of him. In Brooklyn. He's got like an 86% success rate for no smoking. Right. Every now and then. What's his name? The Mad Russian.

What's his actual name? It's in there when you Google him up. He'll tell you. I don't know. He's in Brookline? Yeah, he's in Brookline. And he's old. He's like 87, 88 years old, right?

So he had this thing for fat loss. You know, anything with fat loss, I'm always looking at. Whoa, try saying that again. Say his name. Yefim Shubazov, right? And that's him. Shubazov. And look at his hands.

And when those hands are in that position, he goes, I am not a hypnotist. I am not a hypnotist. No, no, no. Don't drink soft drinks. Soft drinks give you multiple sclerosis. This is what he's saying. He is an eraser of addictions, depression, anxiety, and phobias. He works with smokers, drug addicts, alcoholics, and overeaters.

Celebrities who say they have had success with his treatments include Billy Joel, Drew Barrymore, David Arquette, Courtney Cox, Arquette, and Amy Tan. Who the fuck is Amy Tan, and why isn't Lenny Clark on that list? There you go. Jesus Christ. I couldn't get in for years. So one day I go to see him, and we go, and three hours this guy's talking. I'm not the hypnotist yet, and I'm listening to everything. I'm there for chocolate cake, Joe.

Chocolate cake was my kryptonite. That's it? Oh, God, any kind of cake, but the chocolate. I didn't know whether the fuck I'd read it. Sometimes both. So anyway, now I go and I listen to him, and at the end he goes, okay, now we go one-on-one, and I didn't know we were going one-on-one. He goes, I want you to tell me what you're doing with these.

No, no. Okay, close your eyes and tell me what you're doing. I said, well, I'm here for the chocolate cake. I said, all right, chocolate cake, pizza, and cheese. The next night, I'm here for the chocolate cake I said, alright, chocolate cake Pizza and cheese The next night I'm in the north end I have all three

It didn't work However I never I never drank I was drinking 10 cans A tab a day That was in my rider I only had one thing in my rider

A case of tab And it was a joke Tab Why? That's what I drank You know, some people drink Diet Coke I drank tab Those cool pink some people drink Diet Coke. I drank Tab, you know.

Those cool pink cans. Tab. What a beautiful drink. Tab. No one even knows what that is anymore. No. The millennials flip out everything about me. I'm like a Stone Age person.

I mean, that's cool. So now I don't drink that. And I find myself just drinking water, water. So I said, you know what? That guy hit me. He hit me with the right thing. I got to go back. Five years I tried to get back in. I couldn't do it. So I said, you know what? That guy hit me. He hit me with the right thing. I got to go back. Five years I tried to get back in. I couldn't do it. A Father's Day, about seven years ago,

there's an opening. And I go, and in the room are people from Switzerland, Spain, Argentina, Greece, a couple of people from New England and me. And he goes, I've seen you before. You do not have to pay again. I go, no, no, I'm not here for that. This is 65 bucks. I want in. So I listen, I listen. He goes, okay, now we have the one I want. Me, I'll go first. So I go into the room. He goes, okay, close your eyes. Tell me what you don't want to do. Not just for a month, but forever. You'll never have again. And I go, okay, the chocolate, the cake. No, fuck all desserts. Fuck everything with a dessert. Pastries, everything. He goes, poof. Next day, I go to the bakery In Somerville And the place is crowded

They go Lenny Come right up the front Because I'm good for a big sale What do you want? Nothing I haven't had a dessert In seven years Now whipped cream

Is my thing Whipped cream I eat whipped cream You still get whipped cream But you don't get dessert No dessert No dessert No pastry

Just a little whipped cream A lot of whipped cream I mean a bowl Like a bowl of it You scoop it out with a spoon Sometimes I don't even use the spoon I scoff face the thing right up Whipped cream with pudding

Is pretty god damn good Chocolate pudding with whipped cream Yeah that'd be alright Yeah yeah See See Cold whipped cream and warm pudding Like if you just made it

Like if you just made it Oh This is like food porn Oh my goodness Hi welcome to food porn Oh my goodness People don't know about warm pudding Because nobody makes pudding

That's right These fucks they just buy it My mother used to make the warm pudding because nobody makes pudding. That's right. These fucks, they just buy it. My mother used to make the warm pudding. I'd smell it. It'd get up like an animal. Oh my God, the smell. I remember it from my childhood. But today, nobody fucking makes pudding.

No. Who the fuck makes pudding? No, that's right. You buy it. Right. You buy it already made. I have the whipped cream. We go to a fancy restaurant and I said to my wife, you want some dessert or something?

Maybe I'll have a little something. What about you? Give me a bowl of whipped cream. A bowl of whipped cream. A bowl of whipped cream. And then they bring it. Everyone will be looking at me. What does he have?

I have a bowl of whipped cream. Mind your business. That's a good move. It works. Why don't they just sell that? A bowl of whipped cream. That would probably fly off the shelves. Maybe I should open up a franchise.

Whipped cream. Whipped cream. It might be. Cool whipped cream. Hey, nobody fucking knew Starbucks was going to take off until it did. Oh, man. Unbelievable. When we were kids, you'd get a cup of coffee. It was like 50 cents. Cool whipped cream It might be Cool whipped cream Hey nobody fucking knew Starbucks was going to Take off until it did Oh man Unbelievable When we were kids You'd get a cup of coffee

It was like 50 cents Or 25 cents Right You'd go to a diner It was easy Now coffee's $3 For a small coffee Five

Yeah for a venti Yeah I bought two coffees This morning $11 That's crazy I know It's coffee

It's just coffee Yeah But something happened. Starbucks figured it out. Make them junkies. Turn everybody into a coffee junkie. Why doesn't cocoa get you high? Cocoa?

Yeah, cocoa. Well, it's not the same stuff. Well, doesn't cocoa come from the cocoa leaf? No. It comes from cacao. Ah. Well, see? There you go.

But cacao has some- You could be a scientist, Joe. I'd have a lot of schooling to go through. But cacao, isn't that where cocoa comes from? It doesn't come from coca leaf. Coca is cocaine. But you know what I've never had, Lenny? That I know, Joe.

That I know. I bet you know. I've never had the leaves. Have you chewed the leaves? Yes, I did. What is it like? It's great. It's like, let's see what's at the top of the leaves. Have you chewed the leaves? Yes, I did. What is it like? It's great. It's like,

let's see what's at the top of the mouth. Come on, everybody, follow me. It just gives you a little taste. Oh, my God. Well, you know, I went down to Cartagena. I went on a TNT travel. Like $199 I took this name. You took a cocaine

tour? Yes, I did. Joe, name. You took a cocaine tour? Yes, I did. Joe, they didn't have a cocaine. It took me almost a day and a half to find the blow. When I got to God, I go, hey, man, can we get you anything? Yeah, I want a lot of blow, as much as you can get me. We don't have any blow. What do you mean?

That's what you're making. That's why I come to see you. We send it all to America. I go, there's got to be a shipment that didn't go. There's got to be one way. Get Signor Lenny to blow. So I ended up going to where they made it. I was chewing the leaves, smoking it, sniffing it, rubbing it on my ass. Everything.

I didn't care. I was coming to blow. I got like an ounce for like $180. What? Yeah. What's it normally cost? A couple grand. Oh, my God.

At the time. At the time. Your listeners, I'm sure, will know. Google that, you sons of bitches. Hey, man. You know, it's like you said. People think, anyone who thinks I'm making this shit up, great. Okay, yeah, I'm making it.

What an imagination I would have. I don't have that good of an imagination. I'm just telling you how whacked I am as a person. These stories are corroborated, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, there's a lot of witnesses. That's why I haven't written a book. A few more people got to die first. Who are you hoping dies first before the book comes out?

You know who did die? Rip Taylor died. I heard today, right? Okay. Now, when I first started doing comedy. Hollywood Squares. I did it with him. Did you?

Oh, yeah, I did. He was great. He was one of the nicest, sweetest. Boy, am I joe. I used to write comedy when I first started, and I'd spend time in my room. I saw everything on Lenny Bruce I just delved into, and Lenny used to listen to his tapes for hours on end. I didn't realize he was listening to his performances.

I thought he was sitting in a room with the tape running and when he shit, he'd say something. He'd go, oh, and I'd be playing tape. So I started, I go, I must be doing something wrong. So I write jokes. I swear to God. I write, yeah, you think that, you think I want people to know that? So I go down and I go,

Ma, what do you think of this joke? And she goes, I don't know, man. I guess it's funny. I go, you guess it's funny? Well, who do you like? She goes, I like Rip Taylor. Rip Taylor? You know, he had sex with little boys.

She goes, get out of my kitchen. I love Rip Taylor. Why do you think Heinz makes 57 varieties? You're the only funny person in the world. Get the hell out of here. And I hate Rip Taylor because he was my mother's favorite comedian. I wanted to be her favorite comedian. So I'm working the dunes.

This is 35 years ago. And I'm up by the pool, and I'm drinking it. Out comes Pauly Shore, and who's he with? Rip Taylor. And I go, oh, my God. Well, he introduces them to me. And before I can get two words out of my mouth, he's got me crying. He's one of the funniest people.

Quick, funny. Oh, look at that. Oh, what a buffet for me. You know, and all that. And so I said to him, I said, hey, Rip. I said, would you do me a favor? He goes, well, sure, whatever. I said, would you say hello to my mother if we called her on the phone?

He goes, of course I would. So they, and they bring the phone over with the long cord. This is the old Vegas, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I go, Ma, Ma, I got someone who wants to say hello to you. And he goes, what's your name? Gene. Hello, Gene.

It's Rip Taylor. Oh, and you hear my mother. And he spends like two minutes on the phone. He's so sweet. And I go, I love the guy ever since. And I didn't tell him what I said. I was just, I was lashing out. I was a kid.

I didn't know. But one of the sweetest guys and I got to work with him at Hollywood Squares and we did a couple of benefits together. But a sweet, sweet and funny as hell.

Yeah, I never got to meet him but he was a funny guy. I used to love him on Hollywood Squares. Oh God. They would always come to him when they wanted

a little comic relief. Absolutely. Well, you know, I'm going to tell you something. This video, they give you the answers to that show. Do they really? Yes.

No. Yeah, they have the answers. No. The answers were right there. Now, you could make up your, they gave that for people who aren't funny. Oh. You know, but you could, you know, because I was throwing my own stuff out there. And one day, I was really getting cocky in the crowd.

I went, eww. And I went, what do you mean, eww? You can't turn on the crowd. That's ironic. Oh. And I did the one where Henry Winkle was producing. I love him. Have you met Henry?

I love Henry. He's one of the. I did a movie with Henry. He was the greatest guy. He wrote a book called There's No Idiots on the River about fly fishing. He loves fly fishing. Oh, yeah. You know what the toughest part about fly fishing is?

What? Telling your parents you're gay. No, what happened... I'm kidding. That's my wife's joke. She's a big... My wife's a big fisherman. Really?

Oh, God. Yeah, she's... Didn't you live on an island for a while? I live on Montezuma. I'm still there. Yeah, they haven't gone up to me yet. Are you next to Obama? Hmm.

There's no way he lives now. Obama lived on my road. Obama lived on my road. What is it like? Can you get near the house? Or is it like fucking guys with guns everywhere? Guys with guns everywhere. Really?

Well, when he was the active president, they watered the road twice a day so the dust wouldn't rise when the i swear to god as god is my judge so i would pull up and all the secret security say hey man tell us a joke funny man and i tell them a joke if they laughed they let me go because the next roads there was this was the preliminary uh road stop right you know to see if you even belonged in that property because there's about 60 houses in my place. I live in a, I got like a five and a half acre estate. I married wealthy again, Joe. I know.

You totally are. Oh, yeah. Congratulations. Oh, yeah. Great job. And she's a fisherman, world-class fisherman with a boat, you know. Really? I'm a captain.

Oh, yeah. And she takes me out and pulls me alongside these sharks, and I go, no, get the, we pulled up alongside a basking shark. The thing had to be 2,000 pounds. Biggest thing I've ever seen. Go ahead and pet it. I go, I'm not going to pet it. It doesn't have teeth.

It can't bite you. Yeah, that's all. Lenny Clark, gum to death by a giant secret. Get the fuck. But I've been on her boat. I was on her boat three times this year with great whites. She's got a 32-foot boat. Almost more than half the boat that big.

Great whites. Yeah. They're everywhere. They're everywhere. There's a lot of them out in Martha's Vineyard right now. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah.

They were saying they're around the Cape. There's a lot around the Cape. I got an app. It's called Shocktivity. And they tag all these great whites. And when the great whites come near where you are, beep, beep, it goes off. And I go, holy. And you look out and you can see them.

Incredible. There's a video of this guy and this shark comes by the boat. And you can't even believe it's real. You've seen that video? That was on my wife's Facebook page. Was that from the Cape? That was from the vineyard. It was? Yeah. Okay, yeah. It's real You've seen that video? That was on my wife's Facebook page Was that from the cave? That was from the vineyard It was

Yeah Okay, yeah It's insane It's like a 20 foot long shark Yeah It's so big It doesn't even make sense Joe, it looks fake

Yeah, it looks fake It's not fake No It's unbelievable What the fuck do they eat out there? Whatever they want Yeah, yeah Seals

Seals? There's a lot of seals And if you ever see seals And you're swimming near seals, leave the water. Because the sharks are the landlord. Did you ever see the video off of Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco where a great white merc's a seal right in front of everybody? Yes. Holy shit, that video, huh?

Incredible. That video's incredible. And the water fills with blood. Yeah, just a big swirl. And that brings all the other sharks. Just blood everywhere. And the people are like gathering around the water watching it like holy fuck looking off the dock do you remember

kurt gowdy yes yeah his son trevor gowdy came to me and said what it was that the wide world no wide world of sports yeah yeah kurt gowdy and then he did all the he did the first five super bowls and i mean right he was the man, his voice. So his son said, we want you to do this thing for the Outdoor Life channel where you're a fish. And I go, I'm not a fish. I mean,

I suck at this. He goes, no, no. He said, we'll use your wife's boat and you can be the celebrity. I said, okay,

because we've done five or six celebrities. All right. I said, okay, what are we going to do? Bluefish? No,

that's been done. Albuquerque? Done. Stripe is done. What do we got? Sharks. Sharks. I said,

so we go out on this really rough day, man. And we go out about 60 miles. And the water's rough. And halfway out, we stop and catch bluefish. I said, we're going to debate. I go, oh, my God. So we get out 70 miles, 80 miles offshore.

I cast the line. Within 20 seconds, I got a 400-pound mako on my line. And a blue, 400-pound blue. And I'm going, oh, man. They go, reel it out. Make it look for long of a TV. I go, fuck you. Edit it.

This thing's heavy, right? So then she cast, and she catches a 500-pound Mako. I said, you couldn't let me be the star for 30 seconds. So now we do the shoot. It's unbelievable. So a year later, I'm going through Kansas City, and a guy comes up to me and goes, Hey, man, I saw you on that fishing show with the sharks. I go, Yeah.

He goes, You're the worst fisherman I've ever seen in my life. I go, Yes, I am. I suck at that. But you hunting, and I saw you shooting guns the other day. I just shot at the Matlite shootout. You know, we played for the Patriots, and you drive at the Matlite shootout. You know, he played for the Patriots and you drive around

the golf carts with shotguns. It's amazing. You drive around golf carts with shotguns? Yeah, yeah. And you shoot skeet. Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah. And you can't drink until after it's over. The first year, you could drink. Why are you doing it? No one got hurt, but you know,

the people with rules, you know. So now, I couldn't get to skeet, so I would shoot off limbs of trees. Boom. Hey, Lenny, you cleared that guy's view. But now, so every year I'm in the celebrity quick draw, you know. It's a pistol because long guns, I'm pretty good.

I must say I'm really good at long guns. But pistols, not so much, but I'm fast. So, I mean, like if you needed a guy to lay down suppression fire, I'm pretty good. I must say I'm really good at long guns. But pistols, not so much. But I'm fast. So, I mean, like if you needed a guy to lay down suppression fire, I'd be your guy. So we go, draw. And I don't hit anything. But this year, I hit four out of five. And I saw you shooting the other day. You're a pretty good shot.

Not really. I'm learning. Well, I'm going to. I want a gun. When you see a guy like this guy named Taron Butler who runs that Taron Tactical place, when you see him shoot, he's like a world champion shooter. You go, oh, okay. I get it.

There's levels. There's levels to this. Joe, I shot. I look slow as fuck to someone like him. I shot with the fastest guy, fastest pistol guy in the world. And he said, Lenny, you're very fast, but you're a horrible aim. You have no aim. You have no aim whatsoever.

But you're very quick. Well, I'm learning about that world, the world of competitive shooters, because of that Terran tactical place. Me and Tom Segura, we started going down there. Because have you ever seen Tom stand up? No. Fucking hilarious. I heard he's hilarious.

He's fucking hilarious. I've seen some of his stuff on YouTube. Yeah, he's great. We worked together for the first time 12 years ago with Charlie Murphy, rest in peace. Me and Charlie and John Heffron were doing this Maxim Bud Light comedy tour. Yeah, he's great. We worked together for the first time 12 years ago with Charlie Murphy, rest in peace. Yep. Me and Charlie and John Heffron were doing this Maxim Bud Light comedy tour. Yes. And we toured around the country and they would have a local guy open up and do a few

minutes before Heffron and Heffron were going up. It would be either me or Charlie after him. Right. And Segura went up in Phoenix and the fucking guy guy was so funny i couldn't believe how funny it was i'm like i didn't know who he was i'm like how long you've been doing it he's only been doing it like a few years yeah and we became great friends ever since and now you're up shooting but then we do this sober october thing every year with ari shafir and burke kreischer and uh what this year we have to take 10 different classes of something anything yoga class boxing class so we started

taking uh tactical shooting and learning, just learning how to shoot pistols correctly. Because I knew how to shoot rifles for hunting, but I've never – the only thing I've ever – I've shot pistols before, but with no instruction. I just pulled the trigger and I wasn't good at it. Kenny Rogerson says that I am the worst hunter in the world because when I moved to the vineyard, I remember the first— There's deer everywhere out there, isn't there?

I didn't know that. And I came home one night lit up, and I got out of my car, and a deer just popped in front of the door. I backed up and stepped on a wild turkey's foot or hoof, whatever they got. So I'm going, holy shit, baby, the zoo must be—they broke out of the zoo. These are animals. They're not going to live around my property, so I got a gun, right? And the squirrels were eating all my bird feed, and I feed the birds. And so I'd say, I'm going to kill you, bastard.

First I was throwing furniture at them, and I got a couple of them. But then I really didn't want to kill them, but I figured I'd like to shoot their tail off, you know, maybe. But the bastards move, and I'd get them in the head. And I go, maybe. But the bastards move, and I get him in the head, and I go, no. So the squirrel's suffering. I go, no, look what you made me do, you stupid bastard. Did you ever eat him? No, no. They taste good.

Squirrels are good. Well, yeah, I give them to the people in the neighborhood, you know. But I don't kill them anymore because I feel bad when I get them. Because I didn't want to kill them. I mean, you know, I'm not one of those. You just didn't want them to eat the bird food. Exactly. Yeah, we had a problem with our chickens. The squirrel'm not You just didn't want to eat the bird food Exactly Yeah we had a problem with our chickens

The squirrels were getting into the chicken coop And eating the chicken food Well the deer Now the deer My wife swerved ahead of the deer And I told her the caddy The caddy's gone Oh yeah

So the other night I'm coming home They tell you not to swerve I don't swerve I go for them I chase the bass I chase them right through a field I didn't get them

But you could die that way too Yeah oh yeah Because you know My that way, too. Yeah, oh, yeah. Because, you know. My friend Cam, he lives in Eugene, Oregon, and a guy in his neighborhood, a guy in front of him hit a deer. And it flew up in the air and landed through his windshield and killed him. Oh. Yeah, so the guy, drive down the highway, guy in front hits the deer.

Boom. Deer comes flying through the air. Bang. Right through the windshield. Through the second guy's windshield. Oh, yeah. Through the second guy guy's windshield that's where i never follow anyone always lead lead lead lead be the lead pony man but behind me does not matter but with the with the deer you know when i got there i had i had a partial view of the ocean you know it used to be a real ocean view. And at the time, I was the only one there. So I said, you know, it'd be terrible if a typhoon came and took all these trees down.

And the trees came down. But I replaced every tree that was missing. We bought out two nurseries. Of course you do. Two nurseries that were going out. Is it illegal to chop trees down? Evidently. I'm glad you didn't do that.

Why would I? I'm a law didn't do that. Why would I? I'm a law-abiding person. I understand that. So I bought two nurseries going out of business. We have 500 trees. None of them over six feet tall. But then we had gardens and vegetables and stuff like that. And the deer were eating them.

And I'm at the beach one day, and I'm pissed off. I'm saying, these goddamn deer. And this old guy comes up to me, excuse me excuse me excuse me I overheard your conversation uh this is what deer don't eat and he gave me a list like 50 things so I went out and bought everything and a week later I saw him hey shithead evidently my deer can't read because they ate all of that and then I just so I I'm not good at killing stuff. Although I did kill a couple, you know, by mistake. I really did.

I tried to scare them and, you know, they ran into the bullet, I suppose. What were you shooting them with? Well, this was a.22, like the rifleman. Remember that? Yeah. I loved it. My favorite. Rifleman. Yeah.

Chuck Connors. Yes, I remember that. Oh, yeah. I used to love that. I got one just like that. Black and white. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Old school TV show And I got really good with it You know so Like one of those repeating Like a Henry rifle Exactly Exactly They still make those you know

Henry rifles is like A big rifle company Kenny came down One week At Kenny Rogers And stayed up All night He refused to sleep

Went through about 300 rounds And the gun was still smoking The next morning And I gotta get it fixed now. He like, so I have other guns

but anyway, I would call, I'd call up my caretaker and say, hey man, get over, you want a date? Yeah,

I'm on my way. So he came over, he goes, how many did you kill? I go, oh, just this one. He goes,

two more in the yard. I go, because I was firing into the bushes and scared them. Evidently, I got them. Is there a rule on how many you're allowed to kill?

Are you shooting them during season? I shot one from my kitchen table. I said, get out, you bad boy. Yeah, yeah, right through. Oh, my God. So I had the screen door open. But I don't do that anymore. But it's just Jay Miller.

You know Jay Miller, the hockey player, played for the Bruins. They hired him to protect Gretzky years ago. I think he may have lost one fight in his life. He's a tough, tough son of a bitch. Anyway, hockey's 10 best top fights. He's in like three of them. So he says, can I come hunt in your property? I go, that'd be great.

Come over and kill all my deer. So he gets like six or seven guys, and they come over with these unbelievable bandoleros and shit. Jesus Christ. So he's peeping on his trucks, and they're all in these big trucks. I go, hey, how you doing, Jay? Man, I'm so glad you're here. Go kill everyone you can find. He goes, oh, no, man, it's not this.

He said, we're killing rabbits today. And you hear my wife in the back, not my rabbits. I'm going, oh, so I got to go out and tell these fucking monster hunters. I say, hey, man, listen to me. My neighbors, both of my neighbors are gone. Go down there and kill every rabbit you can find. But, I mean, imagine that. I'm telling these testosterone-o-folk.

They look like Mexicans coming. They're coming down there to kill rabbits? That seems ridiculous. No, no. All the way to Martha's down there to kill rabbits That seems ridiculous No, no All the way to Martha's Vineyard to kill rabbits There's a lot of rabbits there, man There's rabbits and skunks Right

And someone brought skunks Are not indigenous to the vineyard This asshole brought skunks over Because he was pissed off at some other rule He couldn't do Oh, no And they multiplied And there's tons I've seen baby skunks, you know Somebody brought skunks over to piss somebody else off Yep, yep Because he was pissed off at some other rule he couldn't do. Oh, no. And they multiplied. Oh, Jesus Christ.

I've seen baby skunks. Somebody brought skunks over to piss somebody else off? Yep. Who is this guy? Name him out. Fuck that guy. Oh, I know. It'll come to me.

I'll text you his name. They're cute little animals, but they'll fuck your chickens up, too. You know skunks are predators? They'll fuck your dog up. Oh, yeah? Yeah. You know what I mean? If you've got a cat.

They'll spray the shit out of it, too. Oh, God. That's terrible. Then they got to bathe them in tomato juice and shit. It doesn't work. My dog got zapped. Not the dog out here, not Marshall, but when I was a kid, my dog in Boston got zapped. Yeah. Tomato juice didn't do jack shit.

She stunk for fucking weeks. We kept shampooing her. You know when you asked, is there a limit for the animals you can kill? When I killed my first turkey, I thought that some guy owned all these wild turkeys. Oh, that's funny. And when there was three missing, I go, he's going to know. There's three missing. He's going to come up here and give me lots of shit.

You know, get rid of them. And they cooked it. It was really gamey. I had a piece of it. Not good, you know. You got to cook it right and you got to prepare it right. But I've had wild turkey. It was really good.

Yeah. I'm sure if you do it right. But these guys, they have no teeth and everything. Is there a hunting season on Martha's Vineyard where you can shoot deer? Yes, there is. Really? Yeah. I think it's twice.

And then there's bow and arrow season too. Yeah. Okay. Because I let some guys put up stands in my yard. Really? Yeah. I got five and a half acres. How many deer do you have out there? A lot of deer, okay. Because I let some guys put up stands in my yard. Really? Yeah, I got five and a half acres. How many deer do you have out there? A lot of deer, Joe.

A lot of deer. And I've noticed there's a lot of 12, you have a lot of 12-point bucks. These are elk. Elk. That's an elk. Okay, well, there was a 10-point buck in my property that a guy bagged in. Wow, that's a big deer. Yeah, it's a huge deer.

Yeah. And they have little deers, you know, the Bambi deers. I mean, you know. But there's no predators. No. That's the thing about Martha's Vineyard. No. If they're out on that island.

Yeah. How the fuck did they get out there? I don't know, Joe. I have no idea. The guy brought the skunks in. I know that. Somebody probably brought the deer out. Maybe the Indians.

I don't know. Who knows? They might have swam. Right. They could swim. They can. You know. They can swim. I Right They could swim They can You know They can swim

I've seen them swim across rivers And if you If you swim on a On a calm day From Falmouth To the vineyard It's probably Five, six miles

You could do that It could be done You could be done For sure Yeah And who knows It might have been closer At one point in time

Well look You know They have the Cape Cod Railroad train They had a bear Take the train Joe I swear Get on the garbage train Cape Cod Railroad train. They had a bear take the train. Joe, I swear to God, he got on the garbage train, and he was eating the garbage.

Drove across the canal. They let the railroad bridge down, and the bear is showered down, and no one even knew. And people called, there's a bear on the train. And they go, yeah, that's very funny. And he ended up down near the bottom of the Cape. Well, there's a shitload of them in Pasadena. Really? Yeah, they hop in people's pools.

It's a real problem. One of my favorite videos, this guy's walking down the street, looking at his phone. He's just looking at his phone, not even paying attention. And he literally, a bear is like from you to me. He's like, ah! And then he turns and runs away. And the bear is like, ah! They're black bear.

They're not that dangerous. They can be dangerous. What would you rather have in your pool, a black bear or an alligator? A black bear. Yeah, me too. Because you could talk to the bear. You could scare the bear away. Get out of here, you fuck. The alligator.

The alligator. That's right. Goddamn dinosaurs. That's right. Yeah, look at this one. This is these two old people Is this Pasadena as well So these two old people

Is that a bear in the back That I'm looking at They're not even paying attention And watch The guy locks his door Walks Oh I'm just gonna walk away And this fucking bear

Is like hello Oh my god Well this seems like a nice bear Well it's a Residential bear Is what it is They're used to being around people That's a

That's a habituated bear That's the problem I'd like to teach him How to drive a lawnmower pasadena is a beautiful place imagine having your bear drive the lawnmower would that be something did you ever you ever work out there in pasadena at the ice house yes i have yeah yeah what 30 years ago love it out there and so you know they're they're butted up against the mountains out there yeah you know it's pretty close to big bear as well so there's a lot of bears out there in that area and they hop in people's pools and swim around people come home there's fucking mama bear and two cubs swimming around their pool don't fuck with the mama bear no no no no yeah four people have been jacked so far just this bow hunting season in

montana by grizzlies and it's almost always a mama bear with cubs now where do you go in montana um well i haven't hunted in montana in a few years last time actually i hunted in montana was with bourdain we went uh pheasant hunting uh outside of uh bozeman but my wife my wife's got a place in in bozeman bozeman's fantastic it's unbelievable gorgeous do you ever go to that hotel where a guy rode the horse into the elevator he was in stripes i forget his name i swear the guy rode the horse into the elevator. He was in stripes. I forget his name. I swear the guy rode the horse into the elevator. Because I went, I said, where's the guy riding the horse? He was over there.

Yeah, yeah. The guy who was the drill sergeant. He did a lot of movies anyway. Yeah, I haven't been to that one. But yeah, Bozeman's fucking great. But most, I hunt in Utah. I've hunted in Colorado. I've hunted in Alaska.

I've hunted in a lot of places. Montana is amazing is amazing we went there after the Whittier earthquake because she she flipped out so we left

and first flight out was Utah and then from Utah we went to Bozeman so just to hide while the earth falls apart yeah

right yeah so so now we go into Yellowstone and they're snowmobiling you know and and's snowmobiling, you know? And I had never done that. You know what I mean?

I mean, there were no rules. I mean, well, to go to Yellowstone now, Clinton had it, you have to go on a tour. Back then, you could go, just rent and go off on your own. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. And they have- Clinton changed that? Yes, she did. Why would Clinton changed that? Yes, she did.

Why would Clinton change that? I don't know. You can't get your dick soaked in out there in the forest. You catch me, fuck you. No more people. You got to stay on the trail. I ended up going to Old Faithful Lodge, and I was still smoking and drinking, I think, back then.

Yeah, and I wanted to see if that old faithful, if it went off every hour on the hour. And so I went out at like 4 in the morning. I think it's a scam. I think they lied to everybody. I'm going to be an investigative reporter. So I'm smoking a joint. And I'm out there. It's just me.

And out comes this elk from the other side. And he looks at me. i look at him and i go oh i don't want to fuck with this guy and the thing went off and we both looked and then we both just backed away it was wild man some guy got attacked recently a lady yeah by an elk yeah and i if well you know what they were fucking with it trying to take trying to take selfies and shit especially right now because they're fucking right now. This is a rut. Like right now it's towards the end of the rut because we're into October.

But the rut is basically from like the first week in September to somewhere around the last week in September. It might go on. Sometimes they'll rut into October. In California, they'll still rut right now. They're still rutting right now. For them, when they're fucking, it's called a rut? Yeah, it's called a rut. Yeah, because when I'm not fucking, that's a rut yeah it's yeah because when i'm not fucking that's all right that's all right now we're i'm just coming out

of a rut what happened uh in west yellowstone it's the snowmobile capital of the world and they have guys that come up from michigan with souped up snowmobiles that, you know, like rockets. And there's gangs of them. Nice people. Real nice people. And I met some. They were in a bar. And everyone in West Yellowstone

drives around on the streets in the snowmobiles. There's more snowmobiles than cars. I didn't even see that many cars. So I'm pretty fucked up. And I start getting cocky after day two on the snowmobile. And I go up off this ridge

and I'm airborne. And I come down in some fucking trees. That's how I So now the snowmobile is buried, right? And my wife goes, what the fuck have you done? I don't know. Help me. Help me. We can't pull that out.

And who comes up with the guys I met in the bar that morning? Ten of them. And they pulled it out with me. And they said, you should be able to make it back. And I go, why? Well, the front is all fucked up. And I went, them, and they pulled it out with me. And they said, you should be able to make it back. And I go, why? And they go, well, the front's all fucked up. And I went, okay,

so we bring it back. And she says, what are you going to tell the guy? And I go, I'm going to tell him we got charged by Buffalo. And so she checks in hers and I call the guy, excuse me,

sir, I got to talk to you. I said, what happened? I said, well, let's see what happened. And he goes, what happened? And she goes, I walked over just as the guy, excuse me, sir, I got to talk to you. I said, what happened? I said, well, let's see what happened here. And he goes, what happened? And she goes, I walked over just as the guy was saying, buy Buffalo, huh? Guy goes, guy says, kid, I've never heard that story, ever, ever. I've never heard anything charged about Buffalo, I guess.

I was 150 bucks. I said, great. He says, I should have charged you three. I said, hey, but I would have paid it. Oh, it was all fucked up. I said, great. I should have charged you three. I said, I would have paid it. It was all fucked up. The light was broken. But you can't do that anymore. Last time I was in Aspen, we rented snowmobiles.

And there's like a course that you go. They take you on this run. And they take you all the way up into the mountains. There's a whole area they can take you. They stop. You get hot chocolate. You overlook this trout river. It's fucking fantastic. There's a whole area they can take you. They stop. You get hot chocolate. You overlook this trout river. It's fucking fantastic.

It's really cool. Aspen is amazing. Joe, I went out to Aspen with a buddy of mine who owned D'Angelo's Sub Shops. Oh, okay. Brian McLaughlin. He's a great guy.

I said, why do you call your sub shops D'Angelo's? Would you buy a sub from a guy named McLaughlin? I said, well, no, no. We fly out and stop in Vegas and we end up at the Glenn

Fry Ed Podolak Tournament. It used to be Glenn Fry, Jimmy Buffett. From the Eagles? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, oh, yeah. How cool is that, right? So now we're out there, and we check into this Hotel Jerome, right? And he says, what do you want to do, Lenny? I said, well, you know what? I'd really like to get a mountain bike and come down that ski slope. He goes, I don't know if you can do that. Tell you what.

So he rents three SUVs. There's like 12 of us. And we rent mountain bikes, you know? And he takes us up to the top of like the Continental Divide or some shit. And he goes, okay, let's go. And there's no guides or nothing. I had flip-flops on, right?

No helmet. I went down 14,000 feet. I'm passing fucking cars. And he says, somebody get that fucking moron. So the SUV says, Brian wants you to pull over. And I go, what the, you're going to get fucking killed. It's just like a 10,000 foot drop on the side. And I go, all right, man, all right.

Because it was just so much fucking fun. I don't give a shit. So he ends up getting bumped by one of a drop on the side. And I go, all right, man. All right. Because it was just so much fucking fun. You know what I mean? I don't give a shit. So he ends up getting bumped by one of the guys in the group. Real asshole. No one liked it anyway. Ends up in the fucking hospital. So he rides by me. He's covered in fucking blood.

And I go, what happened? He goes, I'll be okay, man. Just get back to the hotel. So now I got to pedal back to the fucking hotel. Because I'm at the bottom of the mountain. We got to pedal back to the drum. So I said, how's he doing? He said, he doesn't want to see you.

I said, what? He said, he doesn't want to see you. I said, why? He says, he's afraid you'll make him laugh. So I went and I said, Brian, the minute I walked in, he started laughing. He goes, get out, take the fucking jet and just go home.

It hurts me so much to laugh. But it was funny you mentioned the Eagles because the night before, we We golf We golf at this I mean everyone's at Kevin Costner All these big stars I mean I remember Kevin Costner says What are we eating?

And I says Well if you have what you eat I'm a cunt He said Can I use that? I said you can have it brother So we golf And it's like wild game buffet

You know Every hole They have like animals That, endangered species and shit. You know, it was really great. And booze and friendly women. It was really, really great. So after the thing, we shower up and we go to this little place. It must have held about 250.

And the show is the Eagles. The fucking entire band. 250 people and the Eagles. The Eagles. And we're walking in and they go, hey, Brian, how you doing? I'm going, hey, Brian's going, hey. I go, Brian, that's the fucking Eagles. He goes, yeah, I left them my yacht one week. They never fucking forgot about it.

He buddies with them. So we met the fucking Eagles. We partied in. Oh, yeah, it was crazy. Wow. Yeah, how wild was that? Holy shit. Well, Aspen's famous for that kind of partying, right?

Yeah. I think that's why they used to have that Aspen Comedy Festival up there. It was like an excuse. Yeah, yeah. I did that one, yeah. It was an excuse for people to ski and party. Yeah. I mean, Aspen's cool.

I mean, I go to Vail every year for cystic fibrosis. We do a big tournament up there. It's a ski tournament. You race and shit. And I'm horrible. But, you know, people pay big money to see me crash. I do it for the kids. Yeah, that whole Aspen area, you you know it's beautiful in the winter but my

god when you go there in the summer and you see what it looks like you go now i know why all these rich people live up here oh my yeah because it's stunning it was the only time i was ever there where there wasn't snow i did i did i think i did the aspen company festival twice and it's all snow and in the year i golfed with brian and Glamtry tournament, it was just beautiful. Gorgeous in the summer. Yeah. Gorgeous. And hunting.

A lot of hunting up there. A lot of hunting. I could see me and you hunting from the chairlift. Yeah. Well, there's more elk in Colorado than I think any other state. I think it's got the most elk of any state. And you eat almost everything you kill, right? Oh, I eat everything I kill.

Everything. There you go. Most of what I eat is elk. I'm having elk for dinner tonight. I marinated it today. No kidding. for dinner tonight. I marinated it today. No kidding. Yeah, yeah. I marinated it and vacuum sealed it.

It's in the fridge right now. When I get home, I'll cook it. Yeah. Yeah. I cook it a bunch of different ways. I eat sausage. See, so that's good. See, I don't want to be out killing animals just to kill them.

No, no. I feel bad. I mean, look, I would if they were nuisance animals or something. Like if a coyote was killing my chickens, I'd kill that fucking coyote. Oh, I'd kill that coyote. I'd run him over. Yeah, but no, I love elk. It's like, it's the healthiest food you can eat. And I eat it almost every day.

What's the biggest animal you think you've killed? I killed a moose once. Oh. Yeah, that was enormous. That was about a thousand pounds. I saw one up in Maine. They're huge. They're unbelievable.

They're so big, it doesn't even make sense. When you see one walk across the road for the first time, the first time I saw it, I was like, what the fuck? Well, the first time I ever saw moose in the wild, actually, it was we pulled over. I was hunting with my friend Mike Hawkins in B.C., in British Columbia. And we pulled over to the side of the road, and we look out at this field, and it was just cows. It wasn't even bulls. And they were walking across the field. It was like Jurassic Park.

I couldn't believe how big they were. I was like, look at those fucking things. Yeah, yeah. Like, Jesus Christ. They're so big. And when they're angry. Oh, my God. You're fucked.

Very dangerous. Well, Mike got chased by one. He was riding on a horse And a fucking cow moose started chasing him And he said he barely got away That fast? Oh my god so fast They're so big

Yeah they're huge Their legs are so long And they look gangly and shit But when they're in motion Well they look gangly so they can walk through swamps And they spend a lot of time Like my buddy John Dudley Is actually in British Columbia right now hunting moose.

He actually shot one yesterday. If you go to Knock On TV on Instagram, he shot a moose yesterday, and his buddy shot one a couple of days ago that is one of the biggest moose I've ever seen in my life. But it's all swamps. So these things are in the swamps, so those long legs aid them because they can walk through that swamp water, you know, I mean they're there Literally like where their body Starts the bottom of their body starts. It might be five and a half feet off the ground

Well, that's how big cheese and then then the rest of them and then then the head and the fucking antlers everything is enormous They're huge. You mentioned you wish you were shooting pheasant wood, butain yeah i never met him i always wanted to meet i love he was awesome yeah now did you you obviously ate the pheasant yeah when you got it right i didn't get one but he got one right i clipped one i missed it i just knocked a feather loose i went down to my wife's house in virginia uh early on and i met her dad. Her dad was a big bird hunter. And he said, well, you never eat pheasant? You never eat pheasant? And he went to the closet, pulled out a shotgun,

right? Went out, bam, bam, we're eating pheasant tonight. He had killed the pheasant in his backyard. I mean, there was lots of pheasants in Middleburg, Virginia. It's a cross country. And first time I ever ate pheasant. It's delicious. It was unbelievable. They're very, very good.

Now, it's funny. You mentioned Bourdain. Is there anybody, you know, because you're in a great position now, Joe. Is there anyone that you'd like to meet

that you haven't met yet? Sure. Yeah. A lot of scientists like Dawkins. I'm going to meet Richard Dawkins soon. He's going to do the podcast.

I'm very excited to meet him. But no, I mean, you know. And that's funny you said it because I agree. Scientists should be our rock stars. They should be our superhero. Me too. I mean, these people can change the course of life for not just one, but for many. Well, it's also important, too, for a dummy like me to have someone like that explain.

many well it's also important to to for a dummy like me to have someone like that explain like i have uh this guy sean carroll was just here a couple days ago and he's trying to explain to me quantum physics and quantum mechanics it's like i've read that book i've listened to that book on tape i listened to him talk and i might have got like one percent of what he was trying to convey because it's really complicated shit you know dummy no dummy, brother. But I'm so happy that guys like him are out there that at least try to explain it to people like us. Well, I tell you, you know, you have all that gym equipment, and I thought about this, and you could do me a favor. I bought a Gravitron.

You know what that is? Well, I didn't buy it. I was given a Gravitron. What is that? Now, you know how you have the dip and pull up assist machine? You can put the different weights on. Oh, yeah. Like those, what are those things called?

Is that a Gravitron? I know what you're talking about. Yeah, that's the new one. But mine was the original Gravitron. It was the thing with the, like a computer sensor and a propulsion. Oh, yeah. Yeah, right. I remember those.

And every time you saw one, you'd get on it. You were just awake. It's like little red lights. Yes, yes, yes. Well, right. I remember those. And every time you saw one, you'd get on it. You were just awake. It was like little red lights. Yes, yes, yes. Well, all right. Well, I had always wanted one. And Steve Schripper, you know Schripper? Sure.

He said to me, Lenny, I'm leaving Vegas. I'm moving to New York. The Sopranos. The Sopranos and the Blue Buds. And so he says, you can have it. He says, but you got to move it. I said, all right. So I call this guy who's a moving company.

And he goes, Lenny, I'd love to do it for you. I'll, all right. So I call this guy at the moving company, and he goes, Lenny, I'd love to do it for you. I said, I'll do it for cost. So he moved it from Las Vegas to the vineyard, two grand. Two grand, right? So now I get Kenny and a bunch of other guys, and we drive down to my house, and we try to get it.

I'm going to put it in my living room. My wife is, you're not having that in the house. I go, it's the only thing I ever want. The only toy I ever want. I'm going to put it in my living room. My wife is, you're not having that in the house. I go, it's, it's, it's, it's the only thing I ever want. The only toy I ever want. I love this thing.

She said, no, it's not. So we couldn't get it up into the living room. It's so huge. It's huge. 12 feet tall, you know,

and five of us more. We got in the wall. I mean, it was unbelievable. And she goes, that's it. Get it. So now I,

I got a place to put it. Cause my goal is to build a garage and have my own gym. And a pool. I need a pool too. But you got to have goals. So I put it in this garage we have down at the plantation, whatever it is, the estate. And this asshole neighbor. Do you have any asshole neighbors?

No. No, because you're too far away, right? I'm lucky. I got nice neighbors. Well, most of my neighbors, this guy sucks. I hate this guy. Oh, Joe, I hate this guy.

Bad boy. Anyway, I love his parents. His parents were the nicest people, but I think he wanted them dead so he could have the part. Did he inherit them all? Yeah, he inherited everything. And his mother, father, sweetest. I used to have them all for dinner.

I love his parents, but it's just a sick fuck. Anyway, he tells my wife, we're going to move it, everything out of that garage so we can clean it. Well, it's been clean in 30 years. And I had it all the time. Why is he going to move things out of your garage? Because he beat up a couple of old elderly women and had them move their boats so he

could move his new brand new tractor in there. Imagine this shit. What? Yeah, yeah. This is what happened to me. So the fave is coming. So anyway, you don't have to kill anyone. I said, don't move it.

I'll be back. I was on the road. I said, I'll be back Monday. But they moved it anyway. And when they moved it, the brain part of it came out. And they lost it. They lost it. They lost it. I and that's they lost it they lost the i bet you he threw it away i bet he threw it away yeah me too so he gets a dick like that

and now everyone in the whole association hates him and people don't even know him hate him and i'm building the hate so the guy i said hey man he goes lundy do we have a problem i go yeah we got a problem i go i moved that thing across. A friend of mine gave that to me. That was going to be the centerpiece of my home gym. And you fucked it up. You lost. He goes, well, you know, I'm sorry. These things happen.

These things happen. These things happen. So now I have a 12-foot tall, basically, you know. Sculpture. Sculpture, yeah. And I got to protect that so it doesn't rot out. He didn't even offer to pay for it? No, no.

And if he did, if he offered to pay, I would have been okay. And even if he didn't, but he didn't even offer. He was't even offer to pay for it? No, no. And if he did, if he offered to pay, I would have been okay. And even if he didn't, but he didn't even offer. He was like, we're thinking about it. So there's a guy who invented it. Lanny Potts is his name. And I went on,

I had little millennials and everybody trying to find this guy to try, because I'll pay the guy. I think he'd want- To fix it. Yeah, I think the guy would want me to have it.

He's the guy who invented the Stairmaster. And from the Stairmaster, the Gravitron. Pull up a picture of that thing, Gene. Oh, yeah. Gravitron. I'm just making sure it was the right thing. Oh, it is.

What do you think I'm making this shit about? No, no, no. He just makes sure the image he's pulling up is the right one. But the Gravitron is a propulsion assist. You know, this guy could tell us. Yeah, it gives you a little assist. So instead of pulling up 200 pounds, you're doing a chin-up, it gives you a little assist. So instead of pulling up 200 pounds, you're doing a chin-up, it gives you like 100 pounds. But then every day, you work down and down.

Right, right, right. There it is. Okay, now that's the new model. How the fuck did they lose the brain of that? Yeah, and the brain was at the bottom. The original one, there it is. That's it. That's it? Which one? Yeah, that one, there it is. That's it. Oh, no, over there.

Which one? Well, yeah, that one, the big picture. That's it. The big picture with the guy doing the chin-up? No, that right there. That one.

That's it? That's it. So this guy, Lanny Potts, and two other guys invented it. And you can see where that, you stand in that

and there's the buttons you push right in the middle. And the red bars. You've got 20 million listeners. Maybe one of you guys is friends with Lanny Park. I'll pay you. I just want to get this thing up. You want to get it fixed.

And then I want to get jacked. I want to be the biggest man, walk the platter, and go up to that guy's house naked and go, look what you've made me do. Yeah. Yeah, something like that. Fuck that guy. Yeah. I can't believe you lost the brain of it.

Oh, it broke my heart. I mean, I haven't even told Sharippa yet. Hey, how's that thing going? Sharippa was so nice. Sharippa will go to the guy's house and fuck him up. When Sharippa used to run the Riviera, he scared the fuck out of me a couple times the way he dealt with hecklers. Oh, yeah. Saw some guy take a cigarette and throw it on the ground and step on it in the showroom.

He fucking screamed at that guy. Got in his face. But it was like a you're going to die scream. You know? Trip is old school Vegas. Oh, yeah. Legitimately. People don't know.

They think he's an actor. Oh, no. No, he got into acting, I think, because of Drew Carey. I gave him one of his first acting spots on Sunday Comics. I was in an electric chair, and he was the guy locking me in. And he never forgot that. He said, man, you gave me a break. And he always brings me up to the roof.

I fucking love that guy. I love Steve. I worked for him in like 97, back in 97. That was like the first time I ever worked for him. But he was then, that was when Drew Carey had the Drew Carey show. Right. And Drew Carey had got him a part on the Drew Carey show. And he was like, hey, I do it for the fucking, for a goof.

Every now and then I'll do a little fucking acting. Yeah. But he wasn't being like a real actor. And then all of a sudden I see him on the fucking Sopranos. I was like, holy shit. You're on the greatest show in the history of the universe. Oh, man. And he was really good.

Oh, yeah. But it substantiated my feelings about acting. Right. It's just pretending. Yeah. It's not that hard. I mean, there's acting like, did you see The Joker yet? No.

Holy shit. I saw it the other night, Jamie. You were right. Holy shit. Joaquin Phoenix is a fucking master. Oh, yeah. It's a masterpiece. I love the one he did with Jeremy Cash.

Why are you wearing black? Maybe I am. It's a fucked up, sick movie, but that's what they were trying to do. It's the greatest fucked up, sick movie I think I've ever seen. You might not be into it if you're not into those kind of movies. I'm sure I'll be. Listen to me. I enjoy

anything that's done well. Even if it's not my cup of tea. I'll go Listen to me I enjoy Anything that's done well Yes You know I mean Even if it's not my cup of tea Yeah You know I mean I'll go

And I'll watch it And I'll try to Figure out what The message you were trying to get Yeah And maybe I can connect with your vision I'll give you that And if it sucks

I'll just come Yeah it's not for me It's a masterpiece Yeah It's a masterpiece I mean Todd Phillips nailed it And Joaquin Phoenix And Todd Phillips

Is a master of comedy Yes And he does this And it's one of the darkest movies there's not a funny fucking moment in that movie it's not a happy moment in that movie but it's a masterpiece but the point is like that kind of acting like what joaquin phoenix does in that movie what daniel day lewis does in his movies like that's a different kind of acting it's a different kind of acting. Yes. It's a different kind of acting. That's on another level. But like regular acting, like look at what Steve did. They gave him a fat suit. Right.

They put a fat suit on him and he played Bobby on The Sopranos and he fucking nailed it. He knocked it out of the park. You would think that that guy had been acting his whole life. Right. You really would. He wasn't. When you were doing Fairfactor, you would do a lot of those things that you had. The stunts?

No. You wouldn't? No, no, no, no. They wouldn't let me do any of them. Oh. No, because it was- But you wanted to, right? Yeah, for sure.

Especially the car ones. Yeah. I did a couple of, when I was doing Meet Wally Sparks with Rodney Dangerfield, he said to me, okay, in this scene, You're sword fighting Coming down these marble stairs And you're going to get stabbed And you're going to roll down I go oh oh oh Hold on Kimo Sabe

Listen I'm shooting A network TV show During the day I'm here at night for you Because I love you I go I can't get hurt And I was really fat at the time Like 370

I go I'll get hurt And he goes Well what do you want me to do I said we'll get a stuntman He goes oh kid You're going to make me Pay for a stuntman I go Rodney yeah I said, well, get a stuntman. He goes, oh, kid, you're going to make me pay for a stuntman? I go, Rodney, yeah.

I said, please, please. So the stuntman comes in. Stuntman comes in, right? And he goes, oh, Mr. Clark, thanks for the job. I look at the guy, and I go, this is what I look like. And he looked kind of my size. So the guy gets up. Action.

And I cut. And then they put him in my spot. And then he gets stabbed with the sword and goes, tumbled it down the marble. Bust his arm up, bleeding from his ear. And they go, what do you think? I think he can do one better than that. It was, I would have got screwed. Then we do a car scene. They say, all right, in this scene, Lenny, you break Rodney out of the house. You get in the car and you drive as fast as you can up the road. And you see the lights up there? There's a bunch of cameras with sandbags.

We want you to hit the brakes and slide into the sandbags. But don't go any farther than the sandbags. Okay, let's go. And I turn to Rodney. Hey, Rodney, I'm a great driver. I said, but I don't know if I can. I'd like a test run to see where the brakes are going. Oh, kid, come on.

Just don't fucking kill anybody. I had already got some money for the stunt, right? So then I drive, I drive like a bastard. If I could do, we'll move to that. I drive and I hit the brakes

and I slide six inches from the sandbag. Total luck, but I mean, it was like, I'm thinking, and I'm flying it. And he goes,

we got it. And I go, yeah. And he goes, see, I told you. You'd be great at this. Got lucky. But the reason I say, if I could do, if you could change anything in your life, would you change anything? No.

Of course not. I knew you'd say that. Now ask me. Would you change anything? Everything. Every single fucking thing. Everything. Do you have any regrets?

Yes. My life is full of fucking regrets. And someone said to me, me Well if you change everything You might not be where you are And I go I'll roll the dice I could be fucking better off You never know

You know I mean Well I learned from all my mistakes All of them I hated every fucking one of them I felt terrible Every fucking mistake I've ever made But it's made me a better person I'm still making mistakes brother

Yes me too I'm still fucking making mistakes Always I don't want to It's just part of being a person man everybody makes mistakes look i try to be a good person i always have tried to be a good person and and and sometimes how do you try the more fucking people misconstrued or misunderstand for sure yeah that that's that's what makes me want to do bad things. To people? Yeah, like your neighbor, the guy who lost the brain. Oh, yeah.

Or the Gravitron. I mean, I wouldn't encourage you to say his name on the show. No, I know that. But you know, you see how I feel. And I'm a good, I had told this guy he could cut down trees and improve his view, stuff like that. I was nice. His parents loved me.

His parents said, oh, Lenny's the nicest guy. You won't believe He's a little crazy But I used to let him come down Eat the food off the trees Everything they want I hope he's listening right now I hope he's getting nervous

He's very wealthy And he's very Yeah but he was born wealthy Yeah That's a terrible place To be for a man That's a terrible place To be for a man

I mean if I had a son I'd fucking kick him Out of the house Make him go fend for himself. I really would. Not me. If I did that to my kid, he'd end up blowing sail as a fleet wing.

Look what you made me do, daddy. Look what you made me do. But a man that grows up without his own money. You mentioned a pepper root. Yeah. How many peppers did you have for your root? Oh, my God. I had hundreds.

Hundreds on my route. I had three roots. Yeah. A couple hundred apiece. I had hundreds. Yeah. Hundreds on my route. I had three routes. Yeah. A couple hundred apiece. I had the Herald for a while. Yeah. My main staple was the Globe. Right.

I did the Herald and I did the New York Times for a little bit. I did the Herald, Globe, New York Times, and the Cambridge Chronicle. No shit. No. Wow. And every now and then, my father would feel bad for me. He goes, you're not going to be able to do it. You're better off more than you can chew.

Get in the car. And he'd be whipping him out the window. He showed me, because he worked for the Herald as a lino-type operator. And he was proud of me for working. He goes, three, four, what are you, nuts? Do one paper. Like most of them. But you can make real money if you did that.

That saved me while I was doing stand-up because it gave me money. I didn't have to have a regular job. I could get up in the morning and I could deliver newspapers from you know 5 a.m to like 7 30 a.m worst job you ever had worst job you ever had construction for sure some of those construction gigs were rug really rough yeah and it depends on the company you work for I work with my buddy Jimmy Lawless and we we built a wheelchair ramp for a nights at columbus hall right and at all fucking summer i mean it wasn't even all summer i mean i think i quit after like three weeks but all that's about our summer and yeah carry cement and pressure treated lumber that's all i did every day cement and pressure treated lumber out in the sun and by

the time five o'clock would roll around or whatever it was when we quit i i didn't have anything left i would just eat and fall asleep and then i get up in the morning and do it again in it but it taught me something like if you if you want to be a laborer yeah for life this is what life is and this is this is how fucking tired you're going to be you better figure out what you want to do with your life and get after it you know because at the time i was probably like 18 or 19 and i'll never forget how hard it was at 21 i went to the national labor's training center in hopkington mass but where they teach you how to be a laborer teach you teach you how to be a laborer and the same thing with the cement and the pressure treat a lumber that i forgot on your skin it made you all it's splinters and they'll get infected and it's all chemicals and shit. And from there I'd leave and I'd go to be a lifeguard

and then after lifeguard I was janitor in a couple of buildings. That's all at one time when my dad got sick and I was taking care of the family. But then I was a sewer truck operator which was a great job. They used to have a claw on the back of a big, big giant pickup truck.

You know what I mean? And you'd swing it out, and you'd pick up the top of the sewer, and then you'd put the clam in, and you'd open it up, and you'd pick up. And I went to every bar room in Cambridge and said, got a lot of complaints about the stink coming out of your sewer out there. And they go, really? Yeah, I can take it. Really? Why don't you have a beer?

All right. I'd be shit-faced. You don't know how many sidewalks I pulled up forgetting to close the clamp. Boom. Eddie, send the sidewalk people down. You got a cover for me. And then we'd build this out.

I'd say, they need a drink, too. We'd be shit-faced. They'd borrow the Port House Cafe or Mass Ave. Oh, my God, the shine people. What did you do? Covered the cones? What did you do with the hole Like what did you do With the hole Until you fixed it

Well we'd get One of those movable shitters And we'd put that On one side Right And then we'd get the cones And they got But the guys would come

And they could If you had the right crew They could fix that sidewalk In a couple of hours Wow Just smooth it out You know But

Well Massachusetts Always has fucked up sidewalks I mean Or fucked up concrete How about Every way you drive All the asphalt's fucked up In the winter

Joe how about the highways Yeah Alright first we're gonna We're gonna do this Miles section in Saugus That's good Now we're going out To Springfield

Leave that Right And then It's not finished How about the big dig How much longer Did that take Than it was supposed to take

That's one of the biggest Corruption schemes In all of the history Of construction I know the big dig? How much longer did that take than it was supposed to take? That's one of the biggest corruption schemes in all of the history of construction. I know. The big dig. People went to jail. The big dig was supposed to cost $1.8 billion and be done in seven years. The big dig is still not finished, and it costs $28 billion. That's $26 billion override. That's like going to a dry cleaner and saying, how much to clean my pants? $12. You go back to the next one. That's $26 billion overwrite.

That's like going to a dry cleaner and saying, how much did you clean my pants? $12. You go back to the next one. That'll be three grand. Three grand! We ran into some problems. Everyone made money. When I was living in Malden, they were working on it.

That was in 1988. Yeah. And they're still working on it. Joe, they put up four-ton tiles with Elmer's glue, and they thought it was going to— That's what happened to Questing. Oh, yeah. Look, $51 million. It was originally $51 million.

Oh, my God. It's still not done. It's still not done. How is it not done? It says constructed in 91 to 2007. Joe, believe me. I drive there all the time. There's parts that still aren't open.

It took them 15 years to open up the tunnel to the airport. It says it's on December 31st. It's official. Boston's Big Dig will be done. The Washington Post in 2007. Okay. But they're just still fixing it constantly. The

centerpiece of the Big Dig is the Zakem Bridge was named after a guy named Lenny Zakem do you know who he is? no okay nice guy community organizer philanthropist

wonderful person Jew and the people in Charlestown said he's a Jew we'll blow that bridge up so no I swear to God

right Lenny Zakem nice guy and I'm a friend of the Jews I married a Jew I was in the tribe I know your secrets don't fuck with me I'll expose you

so I'm not like Eli I kill the Jews friend of the Jews. I married a Jew. I was in the tribe. I know your secrets. Don't fuck with me. I'll expose you. So I'm not like Eli Oma. I kill the Jews. I love the Jews. They're very good sex. Now what happens, they had eight people from Cambridge who were against the Lenny Zagan Bridge being there because it cast a shadow on the Charles River, preventing the fish from being in the river to go out to the ocean and spawn.

Really? Yeah. First of all, anything in that river should not be allowed to recreate or spawn. But secondly, a shadow is stopping a fish? What the fuck do you think fish do at night? Oh. Come on.

Who said that it was doing that? Was there a real biologist for saying this? No, it was just some eight ugly women in Cambridge. We hate everything. We're at Birkenstocks. We're killing the fish. It's a dirty brown river. It is a brown river.

You can walk across it on a good day. Has it gotten any better? You know, Joe, I've got to tell you, it really has. It has gotten better. But you can still see sewage when people are rowing, when they row through. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's bad. You know, Dave, well, I used to live in Newton.

I used to live in Newton Upper Falls across the street from like a section of the river, and we used to see carp in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then one day I was out there walking around, and I saw some bubbling in the water, and I watched a condom bubble up to the surface and i realized it was a sewer pipe that was broken yeah it was leaking raw sewage right into the fucking river that's where it goes yeah yeah do you know in fenway park when you were a kid the groundskeeper was joe mooney and joe mooney was famous because nobody but nobody stepped

on that grass no one even. Even Yawkey. Get up, Mike. He was like a crazed man. And since then, my friend David Mellon, he's one of my dearest friends because I wanted to learn all about grass because I smoked it, and smoking is easier than growing it,

and growing it, and growing it. But he, when he took over, when the sewers would back up in Boston, they would flood Fenway Park. And when the water receded, there'd be actually fish flapping in the infield. And we have pictures of it. You can pull that shit up. Where did they come from?

From the sewers, from the river, from the Charles River. And they'd back up, and whatever's in those sewers would come out. But through what port? Like, how did it get into the grass area? Oh, the water would rise from where the water would drain out of the ballpark. It would come back in. And fish would? And fish.

There's pictures of fish flapping on the field at Fenway Park. I don't know how you. Yeah, you can Google that. Ticky, ticky. If anybody can find it. I'm sure we can. Well, David Miller. You got anything?

David Miller has written like eight books online. And I went there. John Henry invited me to come up and sit with him on my birthday one night at Fenway Park. This is years ago, about 10, 12 years ago. And he said to me, he says, Lenny, you want to go sit in my seats? I said, yeah. So when he bought Fenway, he extended the seats out two more rows. So he has TVs.

I mean, it's right next to the ballpark. So I'm sitting there with him. He goes, if you could meet anybody in the ballpark, in the organization, who would you like to meet? I went, the groundskeeper. He goes, what? You don't want to meet Manny or Big Papi? No, I want to meet the groundskeeper.

Why? I said, you just had Jimmy Buffett out here. Two nights in a row. There's not a blade out of grass. Look at that. The most beautiful glass, beautiful lawn in the world. He on the phone David would you come down so you got Mr. Clark I go oh you know me man I've been dying to meet you so we go to his office yeah I leave John and me I go to the ground keep us up yeah right right so then I invite him and his wife

and kids down to my place and they come down to the vineyard three weeks later they send me Lenny Clark Fenway Park grass seed my lawn looked like fenway park it was the most amazing one it's like shit now but what kind of seed is it is it magic seed like in the beanstalk seed joe wow they were gonna cut they were gonna carve uh you know lenny in my i said no yeah it was hilarious was That's hilarious When I bought it When I bought this property It was all overrun And one day

I was out Smoking a joint And I was picking up Paper You know Because I'm a land baron And I go Holy shit

What's wrong There's a stone wall Back in my house It's surrounded By stone walls That you couldn't even see Because the thickets And the brush Was all overgrown.

The next day, she must have had like eight trucks in there. And I have stone walls surrounding my entire estate. And you just didn't know? Didn't know. You couldn't even see them. Wow. Yeah. How weird.

And then I added to my lawn. I had like maybe half an acre of lawn. I got like three acres of lawn. That's a lot of lawn. That's a lot of lawn. Too much work lawn Too much work Too much work Who mows all that shit?

Pazillions Pazillions Yeah Daddy's not good with the lawn mower I'm not good Daddy'll let me use power tools Even though I'm sober No power tools for Lenny

Fish make good fertilizer Yeah So if they did die You got something? This is not a good reference photo But this is a photo of a fish On A Fenway

You think of Joe Joe There's a story to go with Joe you Look at that You at least First day of work a good reference photo, but this is a photo of a fish on Fenway Park. Joe, you at least. First day of work, the Red Sox, January 2001 at Fenway Park. I sat down with previous 30-year heads groundkeeper Mr. Joe Mooney to discuss the nuances of Fenway. Joe said, David, if it really rains hard,

the dugouts flood because of the crown in the old field. I wasn't surprised because I'd seen that before Milwaukee County Stadium. He then said, if it really, really rains hard, the antiquated city storm drains will back up and water will come out of the manhole covers in Fenway's concourse and then flood the concourse. If it really, really, really rains hard,

the first base camera pit will fill up with water and the fish from the Charles River a mile away will swim through the city drain pipes and swim into the camera pit and then swim out onto the field. I said, wow, Mr. Mooney, that's wild, thinking he was pulling my leg. I went home and told my wife, you won't believe the stories that Mr. Mooney tells. Fast forward to April, Friday night before the Red Sox home opener on Monday. The overnight forecast was for two to three inches of rain,

so we put the tarp on the infield. When the rain stopped early Saturday morning, we would receive almost three inches of rain. I walked behind the home plate towards the Red Sox dugout to check the conditions of the warning track, and I couldn't believe my eyes when I looked and I saw a fish laying on the grass. I looked around for Joe thinking he had put a great prank on me, pulled a great prank on me, but I didn't see him anywhere.

I walked over to the camera pit and sure enough, it was full of water. I turned around and looked towards the infield. I saw seven more fish between the camera pit and second base. In my rush to get the tarp off, now sunny skies, and get ready for my first Red Sox opener, I unfortunately threw all the fish away. I have wished since then I could have saved the fish and had them displayed for my office, my home, and for Joe. But at least I made time to take this photo. And since then, I've had it hanging on my office wall.

Joe, one of my favorite words is vindication. That's vindication. That answered every question that you asked me, which I couldn't eloquently put. Joe, that's why you laugh when people say, oh, he makes this shit up. How can I make this shit up? That makes sense. It makes sense, though. It's so close to the Charles River.

It makes sense. Yeah, right. It's like a mile away, right? Oh, unbelievable. Fenway Park is about a mile away from the river. I'd say you're absolutely right. Yeah. Because it comes around down by the OCS Roadblocks, too.

There's a part of it that goes through there, too. Amazing, right? That's crazy. That is crazy. Wow. Covered a lot of shit. Should we end there? Yeah.

Might as well. Vindication. End with vindication.ication vindication's always good you're the best man Joe I love you brother thank you so much you kidding me always a pleasure

oh it's my my pleasure let's do this again anytime you're in town please maybe we'll get my machine let's do it maybe I'll look as good as you

get that fucking Gravitron back that shit bye everybody thank you oh that was you didn't mind me asking you about that did you Get that fucking Gravitron back. Get that shit! Bye, everybody. Thanks. Ah, that was... You didn't mind me asking you about that, did you?