The Joe Rogan Experience - #1376 - Artie Lange

Episode Date: November 4, 2019

Artie Lange is a stand-up comedian and actor, best known for his tenures on The Howard Stern Show and the sketch comedy series Mad TV. Recorded at GaS Digital Studios in NYC

network the timer's on all right we're rolling uh first of all before we get started i want to say thank you to lewis j gomez for hooking this up shout out to the legion of skanks without them we would be nothing yes we're here absolutely buddy good to see you man what's up joe rogan my brother what's happening hey i'm alive you're a lot look man i've been following this whole everybody's been following you yeah but it's first of all, thanks for being so nice. You're very supportive, Joe. I mean, that means a lot to me. I'm happy to see you healthy.

Yeah, thank you. You look good. Your face looks good. You look thin. You look healthy. You look like you're vibrant. Yeah, no, I'm present. I talked to David Tell,

and David Tell came to visit me in rehab, and he said, you're present. You don't want to leave every five seconds, which is what cocaine does to you. So, no, I feel good. I feel good. I mean, I got nine months clean. That's amazing.

Yeah. That's amazing. Two days ago was nine months. What's the hump? Like, what do they say you have to get over before you can stay clean? Well, first of all, my drug history is insane. It started when the first time i got

high and i tell these young kids because you know i'm 52 now so i was in you know i was in rehab and jail and a halfway house the last eight months and with some of the craziest motherfuckers you've ever met in your life and they all have stories but once they know my story because i had some success in life basically as a full-blown junkie they're fascinated by it right uh and um the first time i got high was 1979 okay jimmy jimmy carter was president so when you tell a 22 year old kid that they're like blowing away that I'm even alive. And I am too. I was, I hit a home run in little league. I'll never forget this. And, um, I, uh, uh, my buddy's older brother, we used to call this kid sick, Jack.

I don't know what happened to him, but he, uh, he handed me a joint and I, I took a puff of the weed and from 11 years old, I knew I, it so much i just loved being i loved the feeling of being out of control you talk to a normal person they go i hate being out of control i loved it i love like wow and you have an excuse for it i was fucked up yeah that's the thing yeah excuse for being wild an excuse for just being a screw-up too you know and my old man was a lunatic he was not a drug addict or an alcoholic but he was a a criminal you know he was a low-level criminal he came to the streets of Newark and got to like the 10th grade in high school and he was like my favorite human being of all time he was like my older brother but I saw him do a lot of bad shit. Um, uh, you know, I saw him fight all

the time. Uh, he was a boxer when he was young and just the real street smart guy and his life was chaos. And I love the chaos. I was addicted to risk. That's why I'm a gambler too. So when cocaine came into my life, a few years later, I I was 16 the first time I did a line of blow. And that was really fun because now you're up all the time. And that started basically a 35-year drug run that didn't end until like nine months ago. I mean, I don't know if it's ended. You know, that's the thing. I don't put pressure on myself.

I'm like, that one day at a time stuff, it sounds so cliche. But I take it one minute at a time i can't guarantee people i'm never going to get high again i just know i'm not going to get high in the next 10 minutes and i don't want to get high again is there is there a risk of saying that you don't know if you're ever going to get high again uh like well the direct opposite is true that's what they tell you in a program like narcotics anonymous and again i'm not some big program guy and i didn't turn into some God guy, anything like that. But I'm a little more spiritual, I would say.

And, you know, it's all stuff. You know, you used to tell me the last time I was on the show, you know, you were telling me to try to liberate, like, you know, exercise, anything. Anything to get you through the day that's positive, you know. I, I, in other words, by, by saying you'll never get high again. And I used to do that all the time.

When you're really bullshitting yourself and everybody else, you put a lot of pressure on yourself. You know, like, like to say, even these young kids, these poor kids, man,

are looking at a lot of jail time, prison time. They're living under a fucking bridge. Some of these kids and they got nothing. That's why, you know, the careers of me and you have a congratulations on your, everything you these kids, and they got nothing. That's why, you know, the careers that me and you have, and congratulations on everything you've done, Joe, man.

You're just a solid guy, a great talent. But, you know, the careers we have are such blessings. I mean, we're living out a dream, you know, and these kids have nothing. And for a 23-year-old kid to say in a group therapy session anywhere, I'm never going to get high again, it's daunting to say you're never going to do anything again. And even for me at 52 years old, I love it. You got to say I love being high. I love the chaos. I love the lifestyle.

You get addicted to the lifestyle too because you don't live like everybody else. And I had a means of making money legally. And, you know, these kids had a rob to get all the shit. And and so that was enabling to we live in an enabling world. But to say you're never going to get high again is so much pressure to say, I don't know, and just work on the next day. And for me, it's like i take it minute by minute literally i i got high like we're here on the lower east side of manhattan right now i got high everywhere here back in the 80s i used to come here with my my buddy's older brother and uh get mescaline hits uh lewds back in the day you know weed in washington square park uh

back in the day you know weed in washington square park uh blow so there's triggers all over the place so i just say if i can get this one more just get one more block without fucking up that turns into a day and then time you know so it's it's harder to say for yourself i i i'll never get high again what was the longest you went before this nine-month stretch? It feels like the last time I had nine months clean, I was nine months old. No, I'm going to, okay. In the late 90s, I came out of LA County Jail. Well, again, the first time I got arrested, I got arrested for attempted bank robbery when I was 17 years old.

Well, again, the first time I got arrested, I got arrested for attempted bank robbery when I was 17 years old. I wrote a bank teller a joke note that said I have a gun. And I went to jail and I got on probation. I asked his teller for $50,000. Whoa. And she started to give me the money. And she hit the sound alarm. I was with my girlfriend at the time.

I was 17. She was 18. So a SWAT team showed up to her house. We just left. So you had the money? I didn't take the money. She started to give me the money. But again, this is my fucked up personality flaw.

I was like, wow, I'm going to get 50 Gs. And she started to give it to me. But then something said, I can't do this. I took the note I gave her and I crumpled it up. I said, I'm just kidding. And I threw it in a garbage can. I get in my girlfriend's car and she drives away she goes what happened there i didn't even tell her i go out now that's not it's bullshit they had her name because she had an account she's an adult oh jesus and a SWAT team shows up at her house so we both get arrested we're handcuffed and i go to jail she i i i say and her old man i think was connected it was like a mob guy

and uh he sat me down and he goes when you rob a bank you know take my daughter he didn't have a problem with robbing the bank he had a problem that i took his daughter you don't take women when you rob a bank and i go i go i wasn't trying to rob a bank goes no he goes i know you you're a craze you're crazy and he was right uh but but again i i just loved the the the action yeah that's why i love gambling so um i go out to la i get mad tv now i'm making 10 grand a week and i got a bad cocaine problem and i started gambling the first tyson Holyfield fight, I lost $25,000. I thought Tyson was going to fucking kill him. And Quincy Jones, who produced Mad TV, got us ringside seats at the fight.

And I lose 25 grand on a fight, another eight grand at the tables. I get blow. I take it on a plane back to LA at one o'clock in the morning. I take a swing at a cop and I go to LA County jail for trying to assault a cop. And he found an eight ball on me okay so i had an eight ball

of coke on me i take a swing at a cop and that's my last day at at mad tv oh jesus what year was this this is 1996 right after we did that sketch at mad tv which is like 95 i think that was 96 it was 96 it was the second season okay uh Which is funny to watch because it's so fucking long ago. We're kids. About a month after that, we taped that sketch. I got arrested. Wow. And so I go to LA County.

I come out of LA County. I'm on probation and I got to take urine tests and everything. So I got clean. So to answer your question, I had almost a year clean at that point. And then after that, it was off to the races again. So nine months is the second longest I've had clean since I'm 11 years old. Now, what are you doing for thrills? Like, do you have to replace the Joe Rogan podcast?

Do you have to do something to replace the feeling of gambling? Because you're not gambling, right? That's an excellent question an excellent question no i can't i can't do anything right because it escalates right that's all right it escalates if i put a five dollar bet on a roulette table right now by tomorrow morning i'd be running guns to cuba i i'd have a human trafficking ring everything the badness just gets worse and worse because i can't have a beer you know right right and that's hard to that's hard to admit to yourself too you know i mean i can't have one beer and it took me a long time to grab that concept some people can't so uh you had moments where you could have one beer in your life like have you ever gone when i was

younger pizza have a couple beers and that's it yeah a game. But the problem is I mix vices. I tell us, when I was a longshoreman at the Port in Newark, okay, for a couple of years, I was at the Orange Juice Beer. This happened twice. I had a bookie I used to gamble with. So drinking and coke and gambling does not mix well. That's why they give you free drinks at the casino, because you're messed up. So for Monday Night Football, the bookie took bets up until 8 o'clock.

Kickoff was 9 o'clock. So at 5.30, right after I got out of work, I would call the book and I would say, give me $1,000 on the Giants play the Cowboys. Give me $1,000 on the Giants. Then I start drinking. 7.30 comes around. I forget I made the bet. Two separate times I bet on the other team at 730.

At 730, I called the book and I said, give me the Cowboys. So all I could do was lose the VIG. Oh, Jesus Christ. So this happened twice. So the bookies tape all your calls and they destroy the tape at the end before, because the cops get it. But what they do is they have the calls on tape in case you have a, like you have a dispute. Like I'd have bet that he goes, no,

I got you on tape doing it. So I said to the bookie, why did you let me do that? He goes, cause you got to learn a life lesson. I go, thanks Mr. Bookie for giving me a life lesson.

You know, I'm trying to win money. And he goes, I got to tape you at five 30, making a bet. So at five 30, I'm like all articulate. I And he goes, I got to tape you at 530, making a bet. So at 530, I'm like all articulate. I go, yeah, give me the Giants laying seven over the Cowboys. Give me the under over 41.

Give me a dime, which is $1,000. He goes, here's you at 730. Give me the fucking Cowboys. I want the Cowboys in the under parlay. And you hear him try to go. You just bet the Giants. Fuck you. No, I didn't.

I put some chick on the phone. Give him the Cowboys. I'm a Cowboy. I met some girl who was a Cowboy fan. Talk me into, you know. So he's a book. He's trying to give me life coaching. Oh, my God.

So what happens is if I would go have the one beer on a Tuesday night in February at a sports bar, then I realize Virginia Tech is playing in a college basketball game. I bet Virginia Tech. Then I have two beers. Then I got Coke. Then it's over. So your question is a great question. What do I do for thrills? What are you replacing it with?

That's where this business, which has taken me back now, I think, 11 times. This is my 11th comeback. I have fans that I got through MADtv and The Stern Show, of course, that are so loyal. Stand up. Stand up. This business. Doing what we're doing right now. Talking to another funny guy who I love.

Bullshitting. Making money. Doing comedy. I have a gig tonight in Poughkeepsie. I'm going to Poughkeepsie. And I'm going to get on stage and talk to people for an hour and make a lot of money doing it. Are you doing bananas?

No, I'm doing a place called Laugh It Up. Laugh It Up in Poughkeepsie. So, yeah, I did the bananas thing a bunch of times. So, you know, that's, I, I did the bananas thing a bunch of times, but so, so, you know, that, that, that's, that's, that's what I'm grabbing onto right now. Cause women, I've lost three. I say this all the time. I lost three fiances cause of heroin.

Heroin saved me a lot of money. I dodged three torpedoes with that. The heroin was way less expensive than a divorce. Uh, so, you know, right now i cling to my work comedy is the only thing that hasn't abandoned me yes you know in a lot of ways and you know this business is you know that keeps taking me back you know a lot of people are addicts they get really addicted like marathon running right have you ever thought of doing something like that uh okay it seems like a crazy idea but you if you could think you could run a block let me then you

run two yeah next thing you know you run a mile yeah next thing you know you go i'm gonna do a 5k well i do i do a bit about this in my stand-up back when the first time i tried to get off heroin this this um this trainer who i hired this kid he said you know uh i guarantee you a heroin high is not as good as a running high and i said to him have you ever tried heroin and he goes he goes he goes no i go well then you're not qualified to be in this fucking conversation because i've done heroin and on occasion i've run and it's not even close yeah you know the only way you get a running high you got to be in really good shape and you also got to run more than 20 feet yeah you don't run a lot yeah i mean i mean do you run is that what you yeah yeah i mean i would love to get that kind of thing in my life again i'm way healthier than i uh ever was in a long time where are you living

i live in hoboken new jersey yeah there's got to be a place near there yeah no there's nothing that's the thing about nowadays young comics like forget about the drug culture if a 25 year old comedian has some gluten he starts to freak out like they go to they go to alcoholics anonymous they have gluten my mistake so there's nothing but healthy shit going on in hoboken it's nothing but young people jogging pilates yoga you know get in it man i'd love i mean you know it's something to get addicted to you can get addicted i'm for sure addicted to exercise i know that i've known that about you for a long time but it can help you yeah yeah well that that getting something like that my life would be the ultimate turnaround. Yes. Because I love sports.

I'm a good athlete. I was an all-state baseball player, and I could shoot hoops. I was playing a lot of basketball in jail. Were you? Yeah. I was running full courts, man. I got an outside shot like crazy. But I'm the kind of guy, I have hand-eye coordination.

I could gain weight playing basketball. I don't even move. I just shoot the ball. The running thing is something I, you know, I got to release an endorphins. Yes. What you just said. See, that's a very insightful question because the whole thing is substituting the eye with something else. Finding something else you're obsessed with.

Yeah. My life, I've always been obsessed with things, but luckily none of them have been bad right you know it's just been but it's the same personality the same personality that could have led me to be a junkie led me to just get obsessed with martial arts or yeah comedy or i wish i got addicted to martial arts and heroin yeah i mean i i struggle with video games yeah pool like any anything that's uh like that i could get better at well that's with you know it's funny i uh everything in my life went back to drugs you know i love shooting pool too yeah yeah you're good yeah we played when we were at my studio yeah i i found that when i did cocaine i was better at pool because i focused yeah yeah you've got a lot of guys take amphetamines yeah and and you have this hand-eye coordination gets better so you're

playing nine ball or something i actually wrote a i have a movie script i'm trying to write called booger sugar nine ball where a guy gets way better he becomes the best nine ball player on cocaine so he has to keep getting money playing pool the school the best guys from back in the day they were all taking amphetamines like buddy hall and all these like world champions, they were all taking amphetamines, like Buddy Hall and all these world champions. Yeah, they were all drug addicts. They were playing days and days at a time. Yeah. Well, the movie The Hustler with Jason. They played for...

That was booze. That was just booze. But these guys really did do that. I mean, these guys played for... They got on pills and they played for days. The key is what you said, obsession. Yes. Obsession.

I get obsessed over a woman I'm dating. Yes. I get obsessed over... Anything I'm dating. Yes. I get obsessed over, uh, you know, if anything I like, I don't want to stop. I want to keep rewarding myself. The situation, you know, you're, you're, you're a very successful guy. So is someone going to be able to tell you, I was making all this money and I'm taking care of people around me, supporting people around me. And so who's going to tell me to stop? Right.

You know? That is always a problem. That's a problem. Yes, man, people. It's a real problem. Yeah. Like, I make millions of dollars a year. Yeah.

Fuck you. Something's going right. Yeah. I'm not going to stop. Right. Then what happened is I got legal consequences like I've never had before. So your situation now, like, you can't, if you test positive at all for anything you're fucked i could go to jail like even if like i smoked a joint in this room with you if if it

came up i mean that's that's you know everybody again i'm on this thing called drug court which is like probation on steroids uh it's kind of new it's only 20 years old the premise of it is there's not a lot of guys with my charges i right now i have a third degree possession charge right now and um because the the uh the charge in la is so long ago that was expunged off my record so technically i got a first time offense third degree not a lot a lot of guys with that little of a charge get drug court drug court is for people who can't stop robbing people because there's in other words they were putting everybody in jail for robbing stuff and they linked that behavior back to drug use they were stealing to support

the drug habit so they get all these robberies on their jacket and and they go okay to try to help you instead of giving you prison when you give you this thing called drug court but you got a report like like i gave five urines this week you know so if i if i got high first of all my situation because i'm well known the second i i give clean urine clean urine clean urine and then 130 it's all over you know yeah the news now are they why do they give you such a harsh sentence if it's just possession i i i don't really know are they trying to make an example i i think that's part of it yeah because you know every time when i got the first charge was just regular probation and i got no new charges or anything it was all these technical violations because i kept pissing dirty uh and eventually

after i failed that they gave me drug court but you know again i i got no problem with the people in the legal system what is what is your feeling on like what works how do you get someone for you is it being scared is it that's crashing but you got you got to want to do it right and you want to do it right now but was it because they threatened you with so much i mean is there what i'm trying to get at is is there like a method to this that makes any sense they're supposed to be but the okay the the premise i think the best thing about jail for a drug addict is it actually locks you away from the drugs for a little while because you see now cocaine made my life chaos for a long time. But when heroin came into the game, forget it.

Lights out. Heroin is, if I saw some kid thinking about trying heroin for the first time, I would tackle them. I would do anything to get them to stop. Because the only way to stop this opioid crisis is prevention. You know, doctors became pushers with oxys and stuff like that. You know, drug companies, it's a lot of money you know yeah on the legal and illegal side of it so once once heroin gets in your system you need it every eight hours you need it every eight hours like it's oxygen so you become

desperate withdrawals are insane so is it insane like what is it like it's insanity well okay when i became you know again my story on the howard stern show the big headline at the end of why i left that show was and i i speak sometimes at na meetings and i try to get this through young people's heads uh i was basically a full-blown junkie on the biggest radio show of all time yeah i mean that that's the headline that that's what you know so nodding off on the air but i also had a full-time stand-up comedy schedule so my life became the kind of chaos that not many human beings have ever seen so i i would i would have gigs in pittsburgh phoenix and detroit three weeks in a row then i got to get back at 6 a.m. to be on Stern.

Now, by the end, I was so paranoid to bring drugs on a plane, but I needed the heroin to get on stage. Because picture the flu times 10. That's what withdrawals are. And there's aches. All the emotional pain you're masking comes back. So withdrawals are a living hell. So when you see the withdrawals coming, you see the heroin getting out of your system. You're like, okay, it's going to get

really bad. Then you realize most people can't leave the room. Then you realize you got to do five radio shows a week and then you got to fly to Detroit and do standup on a Saturday night. So when I landed in Detroit, I wouldn't have heroin so my life became a dance of like i would land in every city and i would say uh i would i would get in a cab and i'd say to the cab driver i need i need heroin i gotta score otherwise i can't do this show sometimes a guy would recognize me and and want tickets to the show i would go to the worst part of Detroit. Okay. Or the worst part of. Anywhere. Anywhere.

Any city. And try to find heroin. Because in an hour, I got to be on stage. And in 20 minutes, I'm going to be deathly sick. When I say sick, like shit in my pants, throwing up. So this is, you're getting there, no connections. No connections. Did you ever not score?

Yeah. I used to call them uh i used to call them uh dope six sets because withdrawals they call it dope sickness and i one time i was on stage in orlando florida i had to do an hour half an hour into my set i realized i'm gonna shit my pants in front of 2 000 people so i said okay in my head and like you know with your act sometimes you got jokes you could do like a robot. So I'm just, I'm just going through the motions and you say this, it'll get a laugh.

You say this, it'll get a laugh. I realized I'm going to shit my pants. Okay. In front of 2000 people. So I said, there's two choices. I can either say, guys, I got to go to the bathroom, listen to some music and go shit or shit my pants in front of 2000. Did you shit your pants? No in front of 3,000 people.

Did you shit your pants? No. I said, play a song. And I ran to the back. Did you tell them, are you going to shit your pants? I came back and I said, I was going to shit my pants. So, okay, these are Stern fans. I go, it would have been funnier if you shit your pants.

Of course. So now I got Stern fans who know I was about to shit my pants. The last half hour of the show was like them yelling, shit your pants. Yeah. They're a particularly ruthless bunch. I remember I saw you at the Luxor in Vegas. It was one of the first times I ever saw you in front of a Stern fan. Right. Like the Stern fan group.

Right. They're ruthless. It's crazy. Yeah. It's crazy. And then they say that they love you, but then they're screaming shit out. And, you know, And Vegas is another. Again, so that became my life.

The chaos was insane. Do you think it was encouraged, too? Did people enjoy the fact that you were off the rails? Some people did. Some people did. And because of that, do you think that you identified with that? Like, this is who I am. This is what I do.

That's a great question. Absolutely. Part of me said, maybe this is my thing yeah you know right and that's that's you bullshitting yourself because that's also you saying it's a reason to continue yes you know i could keep fucking up because this is how i make money yes and this is my a lot of money a lot of money yeah i mean i okay the the most money i ever did making stand-up stand most money i made it was actually at mandalay bay super bowl eve 2007 this is an example of my life and one night i made 140 grand doing stand-up okay i got 70 grand for two shows i did two shows

i'm on the plane flying back from vegas i'm doing the math. Between the gambling, the drugs, and the hookers, I lost $145,000. Okay. So when I got home, my accountant thought I was going to give him a check for $140,000. I said, I need five Gs. Oh, Jesus Christ. I made $140,000 in a night. One night. My father climbed roofs for a living.

Okay. He never made that in 30 years. And then I'm going back to co-host the biggest radio show ever and i lost a hundred but i had a ten thousand dollar hooker who looked like a young carmen electra and uh and uh uh i i lost money playing craps i lost on the game and uh and the drugs i bought jesus i145,000. So after I paid out my commission to the agents, the weekend cost me like 40 grand. Have you put this in a book? I don't know if that story's in a book.

I wrote another book in jail too. I wrote a fourth book. Good. It's called Ripping and Running. And I'm trying to get a deal. I'm trying to get a deal i'm trying i'm trying to get a deal for it right fuck wouldn't give you a deal for that jesus christ that's just one fucking story of of i'm sure yeah of madness yeah that's the thing about those stories is they're so great

like it's such a catch-22 right it's like the stories are so amazing and and people love you for those stories but they also want you to be clean well here's the stories are so amazing and and people love you for those stories but they also want you to be clean well here's the thing so so that's the catch-22 you know and then i'm saying to myself so so so again the answer to your original question is a is the on if i were to be honest with you right now the reason the thing that got me the method i'm using now are consequences if i didn't have jail hanging on my head i don't know what would happen today but i think i'm far enough out of getting hot like i got it's the drugs are finally out of my fucking system there's other drugs they give you um that are basically legal dope there's this thing called suboxone which is an opiate blocker but it's dope what does it do to you it it stops

you from getting high on heroin but it stops the withdrawals too. So you also get high. It's an opioid, but it's legal. So if you're on what they call suboxone maintenance, you can pee with that in your urine and you'll be all right if they know you're on it. But you're getting high. Through a doctor. You're getting high. It's like methadone.

Right. Methadone. We used to have these guys that would come to the pool hall we'd call them the methadonians yeah they would go down the street they'd get their methadone they'd come to the pool hall and they'd just be zombies okay another story about methadone for a little while i took methadone at a methadone clinic while i was on howard because i was desperately trying to get off heroin but look again the only difference between methadone and heroin is legality like like once the courts are cool with one for some reason and the other one's illegal i mean if if you have no legal issues why not just keep doing heroin it makes no fucking sense probably better for you heroin is the one drug that doesn't affect any organ like the way people die on heroin is

you you overdose but like look, look at Keith Richards. I mean, he just got good shit. He got pure shit and he never OD'd and died. So like, he's almost preserved. It kind of doesn't affect your liver. Nothing like that. So there's no real health consequences other than overdose. Other than really other than OD and, and the withdrawals because it becomes a part of your body is like it's it's again i'm not recommending it it's a living hell i'm sure it's

a living hell the lifestyle and the people that get into your life because of it but so a couple of times i went to a methadone clinic that opened at 6 a.m because the guy was a fan of stern he would let me come into the methadone clinic at 5.30 and get, I took a shot. They give it to you in orange juice. Okay, you take a shot of orange juice with the methadone. Twice I threw up on the air. And one time, again, I was never funnier off the shit than this.

Howard was talking, I think it was Roseanne Barr. And Howard said, hey, you look thin. She was on the phone and I'm nauseous. Like, okay, so, you look thin. She was on the phone and I'm nauseous. Like, listen to this timing. I'm nauseous from the methadone. I feel like I'm going to throw up and I got a live mic, you know? And, uh, and she goes, uh, yeah, Howard, I've been exercising. And, uh, he goes, what have you been doing? She goes, well, I get in a, I get in a, uh, a two piece bathing suit. Now, as soon as she said that, you hear me go. As soon as.

And Howard thought I was doing it to be funny. He goes, what are you doing? I go. As soon as she said, I get in a two-piece. Timing. Yeah. My comedic timing was better. So now I i'm doing that for a while but at that point i had no legal issue what the fuck am i even trying this for right you know and suboxone

look suboxone helped save me it helped me get off it but eventually you got to get off that too and you kick how hard is that is it hard to get off it okay there's something called fentanyl out yes okay which is elephant tranquilizer. It's synthetic. It's like spice, like synthetic weed. All these kids in jail, by the way, these young kids, they smoke this K2 shit. They stop while they're talking to you. Like a kid will be talking to you in jail, like that jail jumpsuit. And he'll just be like, he stops.

It looks like he got hit with volcanic ash or something because they sprayed these chemicals on the weed. And it does something to them. They start dancing like Julie Andrews. he got hit with volcanic ash or something because they sprayed these chemicals on the weed and it does something to them they start dancing like julie andrews all these bloods and crips are dancing to the sound of music the hills are alive it's really it's weird so fentanyl is like the heroin version of that it's synthetic heroin yeah uh much stronger people are dying from touching it like they touch it it gets cops are dying or cops are getting overdosed these guys at the border that are sweating right it comes from china there's all these conspiracy theories about china trying to kill us and who knows it's weeding out a lot

of junkies i was in a rehab which i got to give a shout out to this place turning point in patterson is where I really got clean. I was there for three months. I did a month in jail and then I did three months of turning point. Great place. They really helped me out a lot. My counselor, Sarah, shout out to her, but she, you know, I got clean there, but it was in Patterson in the hood.

And the gangs would fight each other to get the corner right across from the, the rehab because people would come out. Yeah. the corner right across from the rehab. Oh, Jesus. Because... People would come out. Yeah, people come out and they get high. Two kids I was in there with, you know, went and got high. They died that day. Jesus Christ.

They just leave and they died that day. From fentanyl. These are junkies. If you get a certain amount of time clean, your willpower, you know, your... Resistance. Resistance goes down. So they would take what they used to take and then they would kill they were out that so to get off the suboxone is is very

difficult because you got to kick it you got to kick it you know withdrawals take average four to five days and i've done that in jail twice so if you have fentanyl in your system and you take a Suboxone, you go into what they call precip withdrawals, which are like the regular withdrawals times a million. Like you feel like you're going to die. You start to hallucinate. This happened to me twice. I went to jail not knowing that the coke, they put it in everything. They put it in the cocaine.

They put it in the marijuana because they want people to catch a habit. And if a couple of people die, because if you got a a habit now you got to keep going back so you're buying what you think is blow it's not it's it's blow with this fentanyl in it heroin's brown when you get it christ it's brown when you get it it fentanyl is white so if it's really a lighter color it's it's got fentanyl in it but people want to get high so bad they take the risk if you're a junkie you'll take that risk so i did not know i had fentanyl in it but people want to get high so bad they take the risk if you're a junkie you'll take that risk so I did not know I had fentanyl in my system it was in the cocaine I had so I get to I get to jail and I see this kid in the bullpen at the jail and he was a dealer I knew

from the street and he owed me he owed me a favor and these kids smuggled drugs in in their in the band that era sweatpants they have it right here and if you see a kid going like this all the time and kids walking over to him you know he's got something so i went over to the kid and i said uh what do you got and he goes i just got subs suboxone i said give me one because i i you know i couldn't deal with the anxiety and uh he gave it to me i didn't know i had fentanyl in my system i took a a Suboxone with it. And in 10 minutes, I was writhing on the floor. So they threw me in a cell and I had a kick. I had a kick with those kind of withdrawals on a jail cell.

How long does it last? Five days. Five days. Now, the COs, when I was kicking at Essex County Jail, the COs there, I love them. They're great guys. They're tough motherfuckers. They got a tough job, and they were very supportive of me. And they protected me in there.

They were good guys. So they were giving me food. They would try to keep me hydrated and shit. There was a doctor there. It was really cool. But I was naked because you're also on a suicide watch. If people kick from heroin, again, all this emotional pain comes back on you. And a lot of people commit suicide.

So they give you what they call this turtle shell. You're naked and you go in this turtle thing that's like a Velcro thing. So I kicked for five days in that thing, just rolling around the floor. I started to hallucinate. My old man's been dead for 30 years. I could have swore he was talking to me right in front of me. Yeah. It's just, and then knowing that, then I get it out of my system.

I get out of jail and I get high an hour later. You know, so, you know, if you keep doing that, there's something wrong. So what happened this time that changed? They kept me away for longer than I ever was. I was doing like two-week bid, a week bid in jail. This time I was in jail for almost two months and I kicked. Then I went to a long-term rehab and I got locked away from it. And I started to think clearer and think about the consequences

and think about my mom. And the fact that my mother is this great Italian woman who, you know, I thought she just needed money from me. I took care. My old man on his deathbed said, take care of your mother.

And as an Italian guy from North Jersey, you think that means money. It doesn't mean anything else. So I kept giving her money, not knowing she was worried about me dying you know all the time so she i thought about her pain and i said i can't do this anymore so i just started to think clear and then the one day at a time comes in so wow that's the difference the difference was i was locked away from the dope longer than i ever was so not only did the physical withdrawals go away

but uh the mental which was charlie parker the great jazz musician who was a heroin addict i was 35 he said they can get it out of your body but they can never get it out of your brain charlie parker died at 35 charlie parker was 35 jesus christ the carter said he was 66 yeah but but he had the most profound thing i ever heard someone say about heroin he said they can get it out of your brain but they can get it out of your body but they can't get it out of your brain because you remember it yeah you remember that it's a way to deal with shit and it's a maternal thing right it's like almost like being in the womb absolutely protected and i've never done it but when i had knee surgery they gave me a morphine drip oh forget it gave

me a button yeah i was in the hospital. I could hit it anytime I want. I just hammered that thing. Yeah, of course. You just glide off to the most beautiful, wonderful feeling. Well, that's the thing about drugs. They work. You know, it's instant.

It's instant. Yeah. You know, you don't want, and again, that's something else in our business. Like, you know, I don't want to wait for anything. I want the money now. Right, right, right. I want to come now. I want to fucking get high now.

I want to gamble now. That's the part of what makes you a great comic, though. That impulsive wildness is what people enjoy in comics. Yeah, absolutely. All my favorite comics, Kennison, Joey Diaz, all of them struggled. Yeah. All of them. Yeah.

Pryor. Look of them Pryor Lenny Bruce Hicks all of them Mitch Hedberg Robin Williams everybody had drug problems Greg Giraldo

I'll give you a Greg Giraldo story this to me sums up a comedian who's also a drug addict all right 2006 william shatner roast comedy central right gerardo was just hitting with the roast he was getting to be a big deal but i had partied with him a couple of times and you know we both had the same problem so uh so we were the only two guys coming from new york city to do the chat this was 06 for comedy central so i I'm at the JFK first lounge, first,

first class lounge waiting for my plane. And I know Greg is supposed to be on a plane. He shows up five minutes before the plane takes off. And he goes, already, man, he like hugs me sweating. He goes,

I'm tweaking. Like he was on taking amphetamines. So I go, he goes, I'm not getting on a plane. I go, dude, you're like the best guy at these roast.

Now you have to get on a plane. This is your career. And he goes, I can't get on a plane. I go, he goes, I'm not getting on a plane. I go, dude, you're like the best guy at these roads now. You have to get on a plane. This is your career. And he goes, I can't get on a plane. I go, you have to get on a fucking plane. So I had all this Vicodin I smuggled under my sock. I said, take a couple of Vicodin and have a beer. So I got him a beer and he started to calm down a little bit. I literally held his hand.

Okay. I held his hand and got him on a plane. I changed my seat to sit next to him he was too paranoid to go to the fucking bathroom so i would guard the bathroom so no one could come in and i we get to la now we got to go to a dress rehearsal at cbs radford farrah fawcett was on that roast so now he's still freaking out paranoid and he he wants he goes i'm gonna hug farrah force i go you can't go near farrah force i go not only is your career gonna be over he goes i I'm going to hug Farrah Fawcett. I go, you can't go near Farrah Fawcett. I go, not only is your career going to be over,

he goes, I'm going to hug Farrah Fawcett. I have to kiss her. I go, she was two feet from us. I go, you can't kiss Farrah Fawcett. I go, you can't kiss Farrah Fawcett. I go, you're going to get arrested. I go, your career is going to be over and you're going to be arrested for sexually assaulting Farrah Fawcett on amphetamines.

So I go, you just got to calm the fuck down. We get to the dress rehearsal and he goes, please don't tell anybody. Now, I've been there so I know what he's... So I go, I won't. So we go back to the hotel. I leave my room. I sit by him like Florence fucking Nightingale. I'm giving him hot compresses and shit.

The morning, the next morning, the car's coming to get us to take us to the show at noon and he comes out of it he comes out of the bathroom he goes i i think i'm i came down he hugs me he's crying he goes thank you so much i go dude you would have done the same thing for me okay so now we go to the roast he's the first roaster up first thing he says he goes arty lang's here how about a hand for arty lang and everybody applauds he looks at me at you, Artie. You fat fucking drug addict. That's the first thing he said.

And I went like this. I went, bro, like this. And he went like this. That look, that's a comedian. Yes. That looks a comedian. What are you going to do? It's there. Are you going to take it? I just saved his fucking life. That that look that's a comedian. Yes, that looks a comedian I just saved his fucking life. I'm crying. I practically made out with him. I

Stopped him from sexually assaulting one of the Charlie's Angels The one yeah the one oh He goes his fire force I've never said that to another human being before or since. Very few people hardly ever have. I've never said that to Lee Majors.

Oh, shit. I said, so the first thing he says is, you fat fucking drug addict. He had to throw fat in there, too. And then he gives me, he gives me, he gives me. Oh, oh my god me one uh again this is something things you wish you had on tape about 1998 ish me mitch hedberg and greg giraldo both did sets we all three of us did sets at the comedy cellar and there was an old diner on a 9th and 23rd

called chelsea square diner i donth and 23rd called Chelsea Square Diner. I don't know if it's still there anymore. The three of us, it was me, Greg, and Mitch. And if you ask me why God spared me out of that three, I have no idea. It's just sheer luck. But God spared me for some reason. I don't know why.

And I remember talking, the three of us were talking about drugs. And Hedberg, he told this to a couple of people. And I didn't know Mitch as well I did a couple of gigs with him but uh you know he said you know a lot of people are trying to get me to stop I'm never going to stop he said I'm just just don't waste your time I'm never going to stop doing it I love it that much and you know at the time I didn't realize how dark that was and he died you know he's been dead almost 15 years now.

You talk about a real genius, you know. And like, he just was like, I just, I know I can never stop. Like, that's how much it takes over to the point where, you know, you might die. He goes, I don't care. I want to do it this way. Jesus. You know so so again well remember when he almost died from gangrene yeah because he was shooting into the same hole he was going through he might have been with a towel i don't know and lewis black

they did a tour together and again that's one of the sadder stories yet the security at the airport smelled the gangrene. Oh, boy. That's how they found out. Yeah. And they found shit. And I think he beat the case. I think they found like paraphernalia or stuff.

But you're talking about, you know, one of the best, maybe the best joke writer ever. And he just doesn't. He just like, I just want. Again, when you live in this life, like standups, most of us dream to doing this our whole lives and now you're doing it who's going to tell you to stop anything i think with him too they were inseparable the stand-up and the heroine together yeah like miles davis said like you know we're playing the trumpet you know again you're talking about extreme personalities yeah john belushi yeah and again like you say you have the same personality but it just manifested itself in

different ways i was lucky when i was a kid i knew junkies and i had uh my friend jimmy's cousin was selling coke when i was in high school and i watched him rot away i watched him shrivel up and and i remember i i was also i was very paranoid right and i didn't i didn't want to ruin my life i was always worried about ruining my life. So I'd see things like that. I'd be like, all right, stay the fuck away from drugs. Stay away from that. That's an amazingly mature attitude at that point because I was a direct option. I said, that's going to be part of the success.

Yeah, for me it was self-preservation. And look, that's a smart way to think. But I tell when I speak, I tell these kids because they're like, how did you make it, man? Like, how did you make it in show business? Like, they Google me and they see me, you know, on The Tonight Show. They go, how did you do that? Like, in rehab, they were like, you know, they're watching my movies on YouTube. These kids are magicians with the fucking thing.

And I stand up and they go, how did you do this? Like, being a junkie. And I'm like, I don't know. I can't even remember. Well, that's part of the problem is that you're kind of rewarded for being so wild and being wild you're you're it's and accentuated yes by the drugs yes and by the craziness and gambling and all of it well the way i say the way ray romano wrote new jokes about having kids and a family yeah you know a lot of comics you you comment on your life yes that's how you get

new material so my life was not a wife and kids my life was this craziness with drugs and gambling and that's that's where i sort of i mine that for material and it's also the audience loved it they love the fact that you're out there living that life like right kowski or hunter thompson yeah anyone who's out there living that life there's like it's romantic yes yes you're not living like the average schlub no like ray leota says it in goodfellas like you know we we were rock stars yeah you know all these guys who had to wake up and go to a nine-to-five job we don't know that life you know right uh and and i dude i saw the other side when i was at this halfway house um uh with all these crazy motherfuckers i had to get a job as part of the program so i pumped gas

and i i i worked on the back of a garbage truck for a while throwing garbage and i pumped gas as a kid and you know you know the money we make for being on stage i'm going for you know from that money i may i pump gas 40 hours one week i got a check for 280 you know so that's what that's life man yeah that's real life that's real life yeah uh okay the story about this kid in the halfway house i had i had three roommates one was a carjacker the other one was an arsonist okay this other kid was a was a junk this kid was my bunk mate he lived on the top bunk i was on the bottom he's like 22 years old he had some he had a form of tourettes every 11 seconds my hand to god he made

this sound hey every 11 seconds hey all night all right to get to sleep he watched porn on his on his phone so he loved the specific kind of porn and he would keep showing it to me he's jerking off on the top bunk and i gotta go pump gas the next day i'm like my life is fucking over and uh he he loved watching these really fat black chicks get fucked by small white guys okay so this is what you hear all night you hear this fuck me with that honky dick hi fuck me you little white pussy hi is even in like jails like in the old days people just lit him on fire right and throw him in a dumpster right but now it's a disease right so he's got a disease so but he the kid i go you're on the

internet you can watch the hottest chicks on the planet he would jerk off these i go those chicks look like the 86 celtics that looks like bill walton but then it's like this enormous like oprah looking chick with a little like richard simmons looking guy and he goes hey a little like Richard Simmons looking guy. And he goes, hey. Hey. Did you ever ask him why he's into that? Sort of, but no explanation made any sense.

Okay. This other kid I was in jail with, I was in protective custody. So if you're in protective custody at jail, it means you're a murderer, a snitch, or some sort of celebrity. So you're up there with hardcore motherfuckers so this this black kid who was next to me in the cell great kid i love them i love them but when me and him were both out of the cell together for rec time i noticed the guards were

real protective of me like no they would make him go in the shower and lock the shower while i walk past them he had some sort of ghetto Tourette's or something like because every okay he'd ask you a question about your life and then he would interrupt you by going word up like everything so I'm gonna ask you a question just start the answer okay what's your name Joe word up where you from word up born in Jersey word up he kept every 11 seconds he went, word up. Word up. I love the guy. Why was he protecting you? Okay, because I'm locked in my cell 23 hours a day.

One of the guards told me the guy chopped up three women. Oh. Word up. Cut up. Yeah. So that's the, you're rubbing elbows with these guys. Jesus. I think he chopped up three girls.

The most affable, I liked the kid. I still basketball with him. Like the Golden State was playing. And yeah, because you're in solitary confinement. Was he able to have conversations? He was mentally ill, obviously. But he kept, like I heard him on the phone. The other thing about

jail man they have tablets now they have the technology so i for one hour a day i was out of my cell and you could play basketball or whatever but you're in these cages so they give these young kids uh who are in jail for a long time tablets they could call anybody on the outside so they call their girlfriends which is always a bad thing like it starts out nice but you hear the build like how you doing baby wait who's that who's that in the background who the fuck is that and they start screaming at him and they get violent and i go don't call your girlfriend and when this kid would talk to anybody's life he kept saying word up every five seconds so when So when you're trapped with these guys in your cell for 23 hours a day?

No, I had my own cell. Protective custody of your own cell. And what are you doing when you're in that cell for 23 hours a day? Well, I wrote. Again, that helps being creative too. I wrote. Yeah. And I read a lot.

I had a great lawyer. My lawyer at the end sent me a lot of reading material. Again, this is where stern fans oh you talk about how crazy you are they're also the sweetest people on the planet they were stern fans all wrote me letters we're rooting for you i hope you get better um uh they sent me books that they knew i liked and you know you kill time 23 hours a day so you have a bathroom a patent pen yeah so you're writing things out yeah did you write stand-up did you write a lot of stand-up and i wrote i wrote this book i have a rough draft for a book which is all stories like

i was just telling you you know i mean this book i've written three books and they're all crazy stories but this one if i do it the right way which it's hard to fuck up because it's just repeating these stories it's going to be insane. I'm sure, but I want you to, you got to release an audio version of it. Like there's no way it's going to do you justice in a printed form where I have to interpret how you're saying these things.

The first book I had out, Too Fat to Fish, which debuted number one on the New York Times Best Office. That's another thing with drugs. I read halfway through the audio book and I couldn't do it it anymore i was always in withdrawals in the booth so i quit i just quit in the middle of it so who read it i hired two guys with speech impediments oh jesus on purpose yeah one guy couldn't read. He was reading a book.

One of the guys had trouble reading. And he had to read a book. Oh, my God. Is that available right now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to buy that tonight. You can get that. I'm going to buy the audio version of it tonight. Halfway through, I just stop.

Halfway through, I get to chapter six. And then I just do a thing. I go, guys, I quit. And they put that in the audio book. I go, I'm not doing this anymore. just stop halfway through i get to chapter six and then i just do a thing i go guys i quit and they put that in the audiobook i'm not doing this anymore oh my god i'm sweating i'm leaving you hear me like leave the booth the next thing you hear is then i had a thing come happen with the studio the studio time took like four extra months. Oh, my God. The publisher ran the Mouse Corp.

So we're going over time. If someone's going to read the book, they have to know how to read. You know who David Goggins is? He's a Navy SEALs. Yeah, I've heard that name. He did a great thing with his book where he wrote a book, but in the audio book, he had his business partner read it, and then he would talk about it afterwards. Oh, okay. Almost like a podcast form.

Right, right. That's interesting. Yeah, because the thing about these stories, like the way I'm hearing you say them, this is how I want to hear it in the book. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to hear you read your book. Right, right, right. You know what I'm saying? Absolutely.

It's almost like you'd be better off, instead of writing a book, if someone just transcribed what I'm saying? Absolutely. It's almost like you'd be better off instead of writing a book if someone just transcribed what you're saying. Yeah. A lot of these stories I tell in stand-up too. Yeah, but if somebody could just get out of the way. Yeah. If you can get someone who can interview you who's not going to get in the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like these conversations. Just talk and then you just go with it. That's a good point. Well, technology's changing that game too. That's putting out the idea of a multimedia book. Yes. You know? Absolutely. Well, technology is changing that game too. That's putting out the idea of like a multimedia book. Yes. You know? Absolutely.

Well, this is what Goggins did. He put his book out. You could read the book. Right. But then the audio version is the book plus. So it's the book plus. Him explaining like these stories are actually fucking crazier than I'm even writing in the book. There's more to each one of them that I left out.

Well, you know what's interesting about that? crazier than I'm even writing in the book. There's more to each one of them. You know what's interesting about that? The way I've written all three of my books with my buddy, the co-author Anthony Boza, he's writing Eminem's book right now. And he wrote Slash's book right before me, Tommy Lee.

He was writing a book with me and Courtney Love at the same time. The kid almost jumped off a building. He would listen to Courtney Love ramble. And then he'd come to me i'd be nodding off and then i was just the kid didn't know he was coming or going he wanted to jump off the chrysler building christ so so and he's got to require the two of you to make a living oh my god he needs both of you yeah oh my god it's funny when me and nick depalo had our own

radio show for a little while. Yeah, I remember. And we got this big contract. And the first time we did stand-up at the Tower Theater in Philly, Nick goes, yeah, my life's great. My entire future depends on Artie Lang. Well, that was the attitude that he had on the show, too. I watched the show because it used to be on television. Right, right, right.

It was one of the networks that was on DirecTV. DirecTV, yeah. So I was watching. I was like, these two are not getting along like i know both of you and i could say nick is such a grumpy old italian now he's so funny but yeah very funny great joke writer no absolutely yeah but um the two you guys though it was a weird mix like one guy is like this sort of grumpy guy who likes to complain about things the other guy is getting high all the time. Gambling on everything that moves.

On paper, that sounds great. It sounds great. Well, maybe you need a third person to fucking mediate. Yeah, like a law enforcement official. Somebody you both respect. Yeah. But, yeah, so the way we wrote the books was I would tell the stories like I'm telling them to you into a recorder. Right.

And then we transcribe them. Yeah. And so it's almost like, you know, the premise was the way Mark Twain wrote, like, you write like people talk. That's great. But the original recordings need to be preserved. That's something. Because you say it again and again and again. Those recordings exist.

Oh, see, that's. I'm just telling the story. That's what you need to release. Yeah. see, that's what you need to release. That's what everybody wants. See, the polished, produced version of these things is never as good. When I try to polish myself, it never works. It doesn't work with anybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What people love is this conversation we're having right now is just you talking. Right. This is what people love. Absolutely. They know you have the story. They can't wait to tell it oh wait a minute let me tell you this yeah yeah and then boom it comes out and it's live it's like hanging out shooting pool yes it's alive it's alive and when it hits their ears it's alive yeah if there's something missing when people are trying to over produce things and say that again already but this time oh no yeah that's the worst

well that's why the the HBO show I did for a few years crashing Apatow was really smart with that he just sort of let me tell talk you know and it worked that's a good point the stories are the stories are like this stuff's not even the tip of the iceberg it's just like

it's chaos that I can't believe I put myself through I mean God did spare me I should be dead a million times overdue in a lot of different ways, you know, a lot of different ways. It's just how it was. Well, you're in a very unique position now because you did get through all that. Yeah. Because you did get through all that and now you're in nine months sobriety and you've got these great stories and you're funnier than ever. It's a very weird position for you to be in because you can help a lot of people with this story i'd love to well again you know when

you talk about the method thing with getting clean the 12-step program which a lot of people obviously if you're not in it you know it's a legendary iconic program aana but you don't really know what the 12-step is the premise is once you get to the 12th step you by you helping other people it helps you in other words because that's what you're talking about that's a productive way to use your time yeah i'm gonna go help this guy like uh someone in nl say there's a guy dying and his family needs us and you don't even know the guy you go and you try to help him so by the end of helping him for five hours you maybe save him but you're also saving you because you do so the premises i'll give you this was very poignant uh one of the speakers and at turning point this guy in rehab really explained it perfectly um at the beginning alcoholics anonymous it's also a great

story great American story. A stockbroker and a doctor couldn't stop drinking. And they realized just by talking to each other, they could stop. They helped each other. So they devised these 12 steps. So they would go around to hospitals. This is in the mid-30s. And they would say to the people at the hospital, is there anybody in the drunk ward, like a hopeless alcoholic?

And they go, yeah. And they go, did you have any family here? And they'd say, like, his wife is here. She's, you know, desperate. Can we talk to her? So they would go to the wife. The guy's in a hospital bed in alcoholic withdrawals, just a delirium. And they would say to her, listen, we found the cure for alcoholism.

We think we found a cure for alcoholism. Can we talk to your husband? And she goes, you know what? That sounds like a total fantasy to me. You could try. We've tried everything. I don't know how you're going to cure him. And they said, no, no, you don't understand. He's going to cure us. Like by talking to him, we're going to get better. Like he's going to cure us. And hopefully along the way he gets it. Wow. You know, so, so so that's that's like a simple premise but that's a stroke of genius in a way it's like you're using your time for something insanely productive and you know like you're a generous guy you like helping people you're a

good friend you know it's you get you get a little bit of a rush you get a lot out of helping get a lot out i tell people i'm like a selfish generous person well they think like the 12 step they say it's true altruism where you know true altruism is you know not the way these big corporations give back but you get nothing in return but in a way that's bullshit because

it helps you you get something back when I help people I get a rush that feeling you get if you give i help people i get a rush right it helps me if that that feeling you get if you give somebody you love a gift the gift you're trying to give them is look we're trying to get you better and by the time you spend all this time working on them you've stayed clean you know it also does it radiates they'll do the same thing yeah they realize that somebody helped them and that it helped you to help them and then they'll do it to someone else and they'll feel it as well

and it also spreads the culture of being generous again you're right on the money that's very insightful because that's what a is it's a domino effect yeah the culture of being generous is very important the culture of being friendly you gotta get culture being supportive yeah the selfish people they die alone it's a fucking horrible way to live absolutely there's a lot of wealthy people i've met through this business who are just angry motherfuckers. They're broken and they don't have anyone to call on. There's no one. No one loves them. No one hugs them when they see them. Nobody gets

excited. You need that. Well, this business is a particular thing during the TV era, which I think is kind of gone. I think now we're in the internet era. The internet era is what's happened. But the internet era is a much more generous era because it actually helps everybody to have all these shows and no one's competing against each other in a sense

because it used to be like there was one host of The Tonight Show and everybody stabbed everybody to get that fucking job. And that was those late night war, the movie with Letterman. And the story's about Carson now, Ruthless Heels with Joan Rivers. Ruthless, yes. I mean, that's how everybody was. Why be that way? I think back then there was a famine mentality because there was such a few there's a few slots and there was hundreds

of comics and everybody was just fucking fighting in the trenches with knives that was the no look again see you though as a good person with character that's your attitude which is great you live that lifestyle like in other words what you're saying is important like this is the biggest podcast going if you were hosting the tonight show and look, I've been on the tonight show with Jimmy Fallon a million times. I kill every time, but to have me on the mainstream and I love Jimmy, but to have me on a mainstream show talking like this,

there's consequences to that corporate wise. Yes. They can't do it. They would fight you to have me on. Yeah. So you're in a, you're in a situation where me and you were two guys who've known each other a long time, who respect each other's work and his people. And I'm a guy, I mean, let's face it, I'm trying to

get back on my feet. And you come to New York and you let me do this. That's huge. That's something you couldn't do in the network. I came to New York a day early. That's why I'm here. I was supposed to land today at four in the afternoon. It's downright touching. Listen, I love you, man. I'm happy that you're doing great right now. And if I can help put some wind in your sails and keep you moving in this great direction, I'm happy to. A lot of people tell me, like, you got a lot of fans in rehab. Everybody goes, I heard John Rogan.

I heard John Rogan. Rogan was talking about you. And it's always positive. And, dude, that helps me get out of bed some days it does and i'm saying your point is well taken if you were hosting the tonight show you have all these people bad and you can't have already on right now it's crazy right now even though i need to but you in this position you can you could do whatever you want you can do whatever you want and well we're here right now in lewis's studio right because i mean i guess

in some way we're supposed to be competitors or something like that but we're not no Lewis and I are that we're all friends yeah the podcast community is one of the most open supportive communities and write comics now every comic is a fucking podcast and because of that it's like everybody supporting everybody everybody's helping everybody hey Dan Soda's got a new HBO special everybody go watch it hey uh ari shafir's got this thing coming out everybody go check it out everybody's helpful and everybody's supportive it also helps out everybody you just mentioned they're good guys yeah you know but it's this community it's a different feeling that ever existed during those tonight show wars no not even close not even close not even close those

guys hated each other they did even stern when stern with anybody in any other market i saw the howard situation for for eight years that world and uh howard even says like you know howard was this insane ball of talent and ambition and if you got in the way of that train man if you were his competitor he would go after you your family everything everything it's it's it's i Everything. I saw that firsthand. And you're talking about it's scary. But you're right. That's a major positive about this situation. But I think even the way Howard did it, I don't think you could do it that way today.

No way. Nobody would accept it. No way. No way. It's a different world. There's a lot of people who would check them on it yeah you know before it got crazy but you know you talk about every comic everyone has a podcast i used to go to when i went to jail a couple times i get my own cell

and they go why does he have his own cell well because you know he's on a big radio show and then why do you want your own cell now because i have a podcast the guard says well so do i have a podcast they do everyone has you know i mean again everybody shoots video it's it's a very i mean look it also inspires a lot of talentless boars to do this yes you gotta have something you gotta have some sort of you know uh but but it's open-ended if you have something to offer and and and someone is a good person and you want to help them, you can do it with this platform. Yeah, and the entry, it's not expensive. You need an iPhone and just some sort of a Libsyn account or something like that. Well, I'm starting another one.

Yeah, I know. Beautiful. It's called Arty Lang's Halfway House. I love it. It's great. And the premise is these stories with Mike Boschetti and a lot of the guys I met in these crazy times with these crazy stories. They're the most unique stories on the planet.

Well, you were doing a podcast from your apartment for a while, right? Yeah, for two years. But I was running, I was on drugs. I mean, okay. I did a podcast in my living room. I was late 18 times. Puerto Rican comedians were beating me in my kitchen. That's hilarious.

That's hilarious. I was late 18 times. That's hilarious. People are waiting outside. And I caught traffic by the bathroom, I would say. So that's how out of control it was. My friend Jay is one of the producers of the doctors and they were going to fix your nose yeah but they were worried that if they did it they'd have to give you painkillers right well that's that's a big thing too like uh with the drug court thing if you get any type of surgery

they gotta do paperwork also the guy from botched wants to do it too i'm actually in a bidding war to fix my nose what happened to it i don't know a bunch of things 30 years of drugs right okay you want to hear stories uh first of all a bookie i was dealing with a few years ago had a guy who used to work for him who uh got this idea to try to get money out of me and he he sucker punched me at my, this kid was a 19 year old boxer. And he, I was going to my car one day and he thought I was like,

he saw me on TV. He thought I was like a billionaire and I'm going to my car. And I hear Artie and the kid hits me with a right hand, right? I just like, I mean, like you can never get off on a regular fight, you know,

like, like the way Tyson hit Trevor Burbick, you know, and right here, right here, right on my, and collapse and collapse the bone right here. Knock me out for 10 minutes, at least 10 minutes. And, uh, and, and, you know, that situation got solved the way it got solved. But, uh, uh, you know, I, I, well, I just had to deal with it in my own way. I made up with the guy through, you know, I. What does that mean? Well, I just had to deal with it in my own way. I made up with the guy through, you know, intermediaries on the street and everybody's fine. And we moved on.

But the kid laid me out. The kid. I mean, it is a night. You know, you got just boom. And so that's one thing. 30 years of drug use. But this is one of the craziest stories. So there was this stripper i

used to go on the road with and she would meet me in city she was actually from boston she was from she was from southie and she was hot but when she like talked or in sex you sound like mark warburg that accent's so gross fuck me your wicked heart fuck you know but she was she was beautiful and over the years like i would meet her at hotels she would call me on the road but she was, she was beautiful. And over the years, like I would meet her at hotels. She would call me on the road and she was a drug addict. We used to snort drugs together. So we're at a hotel in St. Louis.

It's about, it's got about five years ago now. No, no less three, four years ago. And, um, we're snorting oxycoat. So to, to, to, to, to snort the pills, you got to crush them up. So we're in this hotel room, this nice hotel room. I got a show that night at a big theater. And I go, I take a shower. She takes out like about five pills and starts crushing them.

Now it was a nice hotel, so we had room service. The room service had a salt shaker that was glass. So she couldn't crush one of the pills. She takes the salt shaker and starts hitting the pill with it and the salt shaker breaks glass breaks okay so then she takes a credit card and and you know makes it into a fine powder a fine dust not knowing there's all glass in in the powder she cuts out like four lines she gets called down to the desk to to go to i bought her a gift so she goes down to get the gift i come out of the out of the bathroom i see the lines and i take a i take a pen that i cut down and i snort one of the lines and there's glass in it i snorted glass and oxycodone holy so it sounded like a zipper

i just went i saw one picture of your nose where it was enormously swollen that's after the kid punched me that was after he punched that was after the kid punched me yeah yeah he he he tweeted it out he was trying to be a jerk off he put he took a picture of me with my phone and tweeted it he was he had a bad plan put it that way to try to get money out of me. And the bookie, who, it's a long story, but anyway, he,

that, that was after I got punched. Yeah. So that got out all over the place. Yeah. And again, that's my life. That's the chaos that was my life.

But I snorted a line of Oxycontin, that all glass, fine, cut up glass. It sounded like a zipper. It just went, and then my nose just glass it sounded like a zipper it just went and then my nose just started to it just it just went nuts it was bleeding and i went to the hospital i had to cancel the show and i wanted to strangle the girl and that's what it caved in

that it all it all that started the process if you watch the show crashing you i'm on that three seasons you could see my nose morphing into what it is now like from a regular nose to like what it is now and again part of me i i tell young kids part of me doesn't want to get it fixed because every time i look in the mirror i go this is a life this is this is uh what happened to me. It's a reminder maybe to, to not fuck up again. Yeah. And maybe it tells kids that too. It's just such a dangerous thing to get it fixed and then to be in that kind

of intense pain and then have the temptation to take a pill. The premise is while you're in the hospital, you get what you need because you can't get, it's an operation. So they got to put you out. They put you out. Yeah. But then afterwards,

look, I had my deviated septum fixed right and uh they gave me a couple different painkillers that i didn't use i i got out and i was i i didn't use them when i had knee surgery either okay let me ask you something see this fascinates me so as a guy who gets obsessed with stuff right yeah and you feel that euphoria at that morphine drip. Yeah. The, the obsession over that feeling is not as strong as you not wanting to fuck your life up. Not even close. Yeah. I know.

I know it feels great, but my brain is like, uh, get out of here. Cover your, cover your hand, tuck your chin, Bob and weave,

get the fuck out of the corner. Right. Get out of there. Right. Okay. Here's what a drug, here's what a drug addict is. This is where,

this is where they claim it's a disease. I'm smart enough to realize that too, but I it anyway yeah i'm the direct opposite i never i never got into the drugs at a young age but still you feel that feeling yeah you know what i mean like like like you know that that's something like like you know to me the sick person is why don't you want to feel like that all the time you know yeah it's crazy like some people have a a painkiller prescription all these pills in a bottle they don't finish it i think that premise to me yeah i sold mine yeah i was like that's amazing i took uh percocets i think it was percocets when i had my first knee operation after the morphine drip i got out they gave me percocets i took it one day

and it was it made me so stupid okay i remember sitting on my couch going, God, I'm so dumb right now. I can't think. Okay. I got to, I, I, the, I took in one day I counted cause I was obsessed with, I took 123 Percocet in one day, 123. God. So I got pancreatitis. Jesus Christ.

I was on the liver list and then my liver came back. I don't know. Again, you talk about on the transplant list. They, they, they were about to put me on the liver list and then my liver came back. I don't know. Again, you talk about on the transplant list. They, they, they were about to put me on the list. The doctor said to my family, he said to my mother and sister,

he's going to need a liver. This is like, this is five years ago. Cause I, I got out of control with the Percocets, which is why I went back to snort. And I was trying not to snort. I was taking them oral for your health.

Yeah, right. It's better for you. So once, once you snort the glass, how do they get it out of your nose? Well, I had to go to the emergency room. I was in the hospital for like four days. What do they do? They cut it out?

Yeah, they had to go in. They do a surgery where they knock you out. They got to go up and they clean it out. And then I had surgery again a couple of years ago to do it. So there's no like I can breathe good and everything now. I don't know. But again. It would take a piece of your rib that's what they do they take your cartilage from in between your rib which will eventually grow back and then they would prop it up they do it to fighters when yeah yeah i met the guy at the doctors i went to go see him

the guy who does it yeah and he was like i don't know he goes he never saw he goes he never saw a worse nose wow he looked in the nose because he never saw a worse nose. Wow. He looked in the nose. He goes, I never saw a worse nose. That's incredible. Congratulations. Yeah. I'm very goal oriented.

But if they did fix it, you know, the real issue would be what it feels like when you get out of the hospital. Right. And, you know, how whether or not that would disrupt your progress enough to the point where you would slip right back. Well, again, I'm making more mature decisions now because I could have went right into this. But, and again, the doctor at Botched was cool about it too. He said, you need more clean time, at least a year before you even try it. Yeah. Well, good for him for thinking that way instead of just, it would be a big episode for them,

you know? And again, if I can't, if I couldn't breathe breathe it'd be one thing but i i can breathe all right and like well you know i never looked like david beckham anyway what do i care yeah it's gotta give you some material on stage as well absolutely i say stop to smell the roses in life and they had cocaine on them it uh it's it's it's it's been an odyssey of craziness my life has just been an odyssey of craziness. My life has just been an odyssey of craziness. Now, we tried to do this in LA. One of the reasons why I had to come to New York is they wouldn't,

your parole officer would not let you get on a plane. Right now, the probation I'm on doesn't let you travel. You can't leave the state more than 24 hours. So when you go to do a gig, like in- Come back that night. I used to do that anyway. Right. I don't love staying.

Like Poughkeepsie, I'm in Poughkeepsie tonight. Right. And it's a two hour, you know, and I'm coming right back. Yeah, I like that do that anyway. Right. I used to, I don't love staying like Poughkeepsie. I'm in Poughkeepsie tonight and it's a two hour, you know, and I'm coming right back. Yeah. I like that. One show. The other thing I used to get,

you know, whenever I tried to come back, I'd get greedy and I would start doing two, three shows a night for the money. I'm doing, I do one show mostly in a night. So you don't get burnt out. I do.

You know, you time it out, you pace out your energy. You do the one show and I come back. I take the, I mean, cause the money is good enough. What do I, you know what I mean? It's like, don't get crazy. Yeah. Yeah.

Don't get crazy. Don't put your health at risk. Don't, don't stress yourself out. The good thing is, is that, you know, that sort of mature thinking you have about not wanting to fuck up your life. I'm starting every, each day I get more and more to thinking that way. So it's improving still. Yeah.

Even though you're nine months in. It's a constant. It's so, I mean, that's like. Like endurance. every each day i get more and more to thinking that way so it's improving still yeah even though you're nine months in it's a constant it's so i mean that's like like endurance like you're strengthening your endurance your resolve mentally more than anything yeah well that's it's almost all mental at this point it is yeah at this point it is uh you know you just gotta i mean again something spared me and i'm 52 i i would love my legacy to be someone that helped people but you know even when you already have whether you realize it or not and i guarantee you if you keep going you will i hope so you will no it's 100 if you if you keep going with these stories with your your personality and your sense of humor this is 100 going to help people and not

just a few fucking millions of people you know robert downey jr uh i i when the paperback version of my first book came out i wrote a a paragraph about him to where you know again about the ruthlessness of show business people say show business is very forgiving well if you're that talented of an actor like robert downey jr they they let you come back. Uh, uh, and, um, through his assistant, he contacted me and, um, was so, was so nice. Like, you know, and again, at this point he was Ironman, you know, and, um, he, uh, you know, and I'm this comedian, he's a big Stern fan. He had read the book and he appreciated that. I, that I was complimenting to him in the book and again there's an example of the 12 step stuff he really was like he goes i'm through he said basically to me i'm here for you if you need me i'm here for you joe walsh from the eagles who i met through

the stern show same thing you know that's amazing you know like like these guys are like because it um it helps them it helps everybody so so robert downey helped me in a way just by knowing that he got better because you talk about chaos his life was i remember talking about him on a start show when he got found you know the stripper with the wonder woman outfit and crystal stripper dressed like wonder woman and crystal meth in somebody else's house like you know but i've always wondered like a guy like that that's so fucking talented he's he's talented in this weird explosive sort of creepy he's a unique he's he's talented in this weird explosive sort of creepy he's a unique he's a unique guy if you watch his movies even though he's in a

shit movie he's great yeah like he always look at what he's doing he makes unique choices as an actor but i've always wondered if like the engine behind that is the same engine of addiction absolutely impulsive wild reckless sort of energy and now he just contains it in progress and success like he's constantly working i mean i don't know him personally just just through that contact i just told you about but uh it seems like he's like way into the program of aa or anything you know i mean and again it's also like the premise of going to a meeting um uh an na meeting i try to go to five or six a week now and that's not even you know they they want you to go to 90 and 90 there's a lot of comedians in recovery

you know i won't mention who they are but you know it's an anonymous thing but there's so many guys where 20 years ago there was a stigma attached to it there's not anymore i think people understand now it's not being weak people used to think it's weak it's like it's these are behavior patterns they're thought patterns and you get stuck in a rut of them and you get, there's a smooth carved path that your behavior just slides right in and goes. And it's hard to hit those fucking brakes and stop that path. Yeah. And you use the behaviors to manipulate.

Like if you have a talent, like a sense of humor, you know, it's funny. I, one of my POs said to me, uh, you're going to tell me you never used your sense of humor to obtain drugs. I go, I don't know what drug dealers, you know,'s funny i one of my pos said to me uh you're going to tell me you never used your

sense of humor to obtain drugs i go i don't know what drug dealers you know but they don't accept jokes as payment like listen noodles i want that ounce of cocaine i have no cash but knock knock well it's not gonna work you use your sense of humor to get the money to buy the drugs indirectly what what what what the people at the task evaluators a drug court a lot of these these rehabs do is they link exactly what you just said they link every behavior back to yeah the drug use yeah like what why why act in this way why being charming if you're charming so you can't be charming somebody just robbed you yeah you know well I was talking with this about this with a friend of mine recently about girls, about basically every comic really became funny

because they were trying to figure out a way to get girls to like them. That's the first pussy. 100%. That's it. I mean, with men, you try to explain it to women. Like, for me, up until about 11 or 12, all you want to do is hit a home run in Little League. And then one summer, you see a set of tits or something,

and then it's all about pussy. That's you just got to try to get pussy yeah and then and then that is talk about an addiction yeah oh my god if you get involved like the girl i was telling you about if you get involved with a chick who's got a drug problem with opioids and is good looking too you want to fuck you're talking about adolf hitler you're talking chicks are manipulative already but if you have a pussy and a drug problem what did richard pryor say he goes i don't know why bitches always complaining they got half the money and all the pussy that richard pryor that's socrates type shit it is that sums up life that that literally should be on his fucking grave they got half the money and all the pussy. I'll give you another story.

Okay, you ready? This is being a drug addict. I was with this other girl at Martha's Vineyard. This is like 20 years ago. And I went to visit John Belushi's grave. I'm a big Belushi fan. I had an eight ball of coke on me. And everybody at Belushi's grave.

I was in Paris once where I got arrested for drunkenness. But anyway, they do this at Jim Morrison's grave. People leave bottles of booze like heroin needles sometimes loaded on jim morrison's grave so people have beers and everything on belushi's grave so i took the eight ball of coke out and i took half of it and i left a couple of rocks on top of belushi's headstone at like three in the afternoon and i said that's on me john four o'clock in the morning i went back and got it it was still there yeah at four o'clock in the morning me and the girl ran out of coke and i said is it raining she goes why i go come on we're gonna go back oh my god i went back and got the

cocaine oh my god he didn't need it anymore i don't think the gesture was already in place could you imagine though the retarded the level of retardedness that is your life at that point i'm with a girl at four in the morning and i go is it raining she goes why because i left the coke on the thing and we're both hoping he can get you know oh my god another another guy a young kid the other great thing about aa meetings is you you, someone could say the most profound thing from any walk of life. Like some, some professor who's a genius at MIT could be in a meeting with a cook at a, at a, at a diner.

And the cook says something cause he's got a different perspective on it. This kid said once it was a janitor. The best part about cocaine is going to get it. And that is totally, that's the smartest fucking thing. I, it sounds so simple, but when you hear someone has it you go i always said i'm surprised a lawyer a prosecutor hasn't tried to convict somebody on this yet they call dui driving under the influence you're

totally under the influence of drugs driving to get them i don't care if they're in your body yet you're under the influence of drugs you want to get high you're speeding to get to the dealer so if you kill a kid on the way to get coke they're going to test you it's not in your body but you were totally on the influence of cocaine you know i mean i mean that's like you know i'm you might just have opened up a whole new can of worms i don't want i don't want my brothers to get it but i'm saying like am i under the influence it's not in me but it's i'm influenced by it completely. Yeah. And it is.

It's like a kid on Christmas morning. If you're a drug addict, you anticipate that. See, I equated it with fun. The gambling, you know. Yeah. Because what's gambling? It's just instant fun. Yeah.

You're bored to death. Are you still watching sports? Yeah. I don't like it as much. Of course not. I used to bet again i like pure gambling people who uh people who bet on stuff and handicap it that's like a job who wants a job i don't want a job i don't have to research on a fucking game i just want to bet find out

who's injured yeah yeah i don't want to do any of that shit that's not action right because then you kind of know what might happen right i i used to i used to go to the mirage sports book in vegas they have a line on everything you could bet on two kids playing wiffle ball in minnesota at the mirage they have a line on everything it's just it's just the it's heaven for gamblers so i would bet on sports i knew nothing about and then do cocaine and like four o'clock in the morning i'm going around people at the bar going hey did you see the high school lacrosse scores? I got Ramapo versus Don Bosco prep. I would bet on lacrosse because I knew nothing about it.

Wow. I would put each Super Bowl from 2004 to 11. I had 10 grand on the coin toss. 10 grand on the coin toss. And seven of the times I probably, five times I probably lost before the kickoff i was down 10 grand now how far behind are you if you all lifetime if you want to look at lifetime gambling how far just gambling yeah yeah because everybody's behind like i i don't know any point two million wow probably 3.2 million is where i've lost gambling holy if i had to be i do that math in my head a couple of you know yeah i i'd say i'm not about

three over three million three point two is very specific yeah because i i updated in my head because i'm obsessed about that too you talk about you know to lose that much, you got to bet on the Jets a lot. I had an uncle. I had an uncle. I used to do this joke. My uncle was a degenerate gambler. And he said, you know, when I was a kid, I was into the Jets.

And then I got into girls. And then I got back into the Jets. Because I realized there's times when a girl won't fuck you. But the Jets will always fuck you. And he's so right oh you know so you can't figure it out i don't want to like the coin toss is pure gambling right heads are fucking tails yeah ten thousand when that's about to happen i can't describe it what's the rush when it gets heads and it's like it's like pussy yeah it's almost like it's not like pussy but it's something it's it's close to it yeah and then so now how do i keep that fucking going and when you were on stern too it came up so it was almost kind of

encouraged because it was a thing again howard gets a bad rap sometimes i don't mean encouraged by him but i mean again again howard tried to help me a lot and he was he was good to me i just he didn't like again when you're in a junkie's life eventually you don't know what to do right you don't know what to do if you don't live that life like howard and i a lot of our uh rapport on the air worked because he was the most disciplined human being ever and i was the most undisciplined it was like the odd couple so he from the first time i went in there with norm mcdonald i had the story about getting arrested and made tv he just he goes i said i love out of control guys are fun yeah so when i got on the show it's four and a half hours you're filling

every day it was part of my life so i would talk about going to vegas and gambling and you know but i i'm on the you know i'm on the air you're the camera's always on you on that show so i'm on the air committing felonies like like i'm talking to bookies, dealers, hookers. There was a guard there. After Heath Ledger died, as a joke, I said I had the same dealer as Heath Ledger. As a joke. And it was a joke. The DEA shows up at Stern with the windbreakers on.

Says DEA. Says we've got to talk to Artie. Pull me out to on a commercial. I'm like, I'm at work, bro. And they said, and I,

I, I was joking around. I told him I was, I was joking around. And one of the guards who worked there said, Artie, man, you are one entertaining fuck up.

He goes, the guard was like, he thought it was, he goes, the DEA, the fucking DEa is it he goes you want a howard stardew baby you made it you made it what the fuck you doing the dea is it goes motherfucker he was close because the dea gave it his mother this mother this is a gangster the da and howard just looked at me

he gave me a look greg giraldi gave me in my head i sometimes when i think of greg you know you have all these moments where like like just great that one moment that one moment you fat drug, you fat fucking drug addict. You can't kiss Farrah Fawcett. Who tells another guy that? And the crazy thing is if you see Greg on stage, if you see him with a microphone, you would never think he was out of control. No.

Because he was so smart. Oh, absolutely. His writing was so good. Absolutely. He seemed so educated and smooth. Okay, the last movie Chris Farley ever did was Dirty Work. So I'm in the movie with him. Right after Dirty Work, right before he

passed away, he hosted Saturday Night Live. So Norm was still doing weekend updates. So Norm caught me up and said, listen, Farley's out of control with Coke. Come to the party after the show because you got to help me watch him. That's how bad he was. You had to help watch. I had to help watch him.

This is how fast Norm is though this is a testament to norm's wit so i'm at the party and norm is talking to somebody and i'm watching chris i'm on coke i'm coked up so so so i see farley disappearing to a bathroom with andy dick oh boy okay him and andy going to a bathroom yeah they Dick. Oh, boy. Okay, him and Andy go into a bathroom. Yeah. They come out five minutes later, they giggle him. Norm comes over to me and goes, what's going on with Chris? I go, bad news, bro. He goes, what?

I go, he went to a bathroom with Andy Dick. I said, there's only two reasons a man goes into a bathroom with Andy Dick. And neither one of them's good. And Norm looked at me without missing a beat and said, holy fuck, I hope he's high. You see Norm say that. Holy fuck, I hope he's high. That's a great impression of Norm. Holding his stomach.

Good news, he was high. Chris Farley showed up on the set of news radio one day To visit Andy I'm sure he did He had the complexion of wet cardboard I've never seen a man look more unhealthy Dude I went to a strip club with him in Toronto We shot the movie in Toronto He had chicks hanging out

He was just like out of control When he died and that chick took a picture of him With the foam coming out of his mouth Laying on the ground That's where you knew it was but i mean that chick took a picture of him well we were foam coming out of his mouth laying on the ground yeah that's where you knew it was gonna end that's the people you're around exactly exactly yeah it's like yeah uh so one quick mitch headberg story so i opened up for mitch headberg like 22 years ago and he comes up to me at the show and he goes hey man you're a fat guy i go that's what he what he said. I go, I could lose a couple. But what are you talking about?

He goes, I wrote a joke that I can't do because I'm not fat, but I give it to you. He goes, you know, when you're a kid and they tell you to wait a half an hour after you eat before you go swimming. And I'm like, yeah, he goes, you should say you've never been swimming because never more than a half an hour since you last ate. And I go, that's a great joke. Can I, I can have that joke? He goes, yeah. So then he comes back and he was smoking a lot of weed. So he comes back totally serious.

He goes, Hey man, you're right. That is a good joke. I'll make you a deal. If I gained like a hundred pounds before you do that on TV, I get the joke. I'm like, all right, whatever. So, okay. So cut to like a month later, I'm with Norm MacDonald having dinner with people. And Norm does that joke

about me he goes hey man it's uh arty's never been swimming it's never more than a half an hour since he last ate i'm like where the fuck did you hear that joke he goes he goes i heard a fat guy do it at the comedy store i go really so i see mitch two weeks later i go mitch what the fuck bro you gave me that joke norm said he saw a fat guy do it at the college store so he's all fucked up and he goes hey arty man you know listen i college store. So he's all fucked up. And he goes, hey, Artie, man, you know, listen, I'm sorry. You know, I get fucked up a lot. I forget shit. I probably gave that to a lot of fat guys.

He was the weirdest joke writer ever because it was all silly non sequiturs. Yeah. Everything was a non sequitur. No bits transferred into other bits. Just joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. It's great to watch Mitch, like I get such a kick out of watching him now, do a set where he starts off bombing.

Like he'll tell a joke and the audience doesn't get it. And he'll go like, okay, you guys don't like me yet. I'll keep trying. And then he gets them. And then the first big laugh he gets, he like a little kid he goes yeah he was my favorite to listen to i listened to his album on the way to the airport oh because lax traffic's so horrible and he just it was so silly yeah it's silly and just and smart at the same time smart and silly one of my favorite jokes ever is uh somebody said do you want a frozen banana i said no but i want a regular banana later so yes

it's such a fucking ridiculous joke it's perfect it's so ridiculous yeah well he did a joke once he did this joke on tv somewhere and you could almost tell he paused before he did it because he got in a lot of trouble he goes my fedex dealer is a my fedex man is a drug dealer and he doesn't know it yeah i mean that's like fucking you know or how about like i used to do drugs i still do drugs but i used to too well the crazy thing about him is he would do you know an hour 10 minutes of that like how the fuck do you know an hour 10 minutes of that like how the fuck do you remember what you said and don't say when you're on heroin no no no well well that's the thing i forget shit all the time like i said like i bet on the other team yes with

the bookie i would bet on the other team but he was high when he was doing shows right and and and at the end the last time i saw mitch was two weeks before he died at stern and then i went to go see him at caroline's and it was like you're watching this this genius shell a shell literally a shell like like he was he was you know taking drugs from people in the audience pills i took a birth control pill once because i thought it was a viking and some woman gave me i don't have the baby it worked but uh he was like scratching at the walls and shit i'll give you i'll give you one more quick norm thing so when dirty work came out i got awful reviews and uh the reviewer of my hometown paper said arty lang has all the charm of a date rapist that's what it said so norm goes like this he goes hey man that's fucking great i go why he goes a date rapist has to have way more charm than a regular rapist.

And that made me feel better. Yeah, so, I mean, listen, man. I'm alive. I don't know how, but I'm alive. Look, you're healthy. You're happy. You know, one of the things that I noticed when I started seeing you do these little Instagram videos, it's like your eyes. Yeah.

Your eyes are there. You're present, which is, that was what was interesting. There was a sparkle to your eyes that wasn't there the last time that I saw you. Right. Well, everything changes, man. You look at someone's eyes, especially if you're, like, amphetamines and stuff, they become peat. Yeah.

You know, yeah, you're putting poison in your body. So, you know, I stopped doing that poison in your body so you know i stopped doing that listen if you ever need anything from me i'm here just just reach out i actually want my mother's got glaucoma you know that guy you have on the show david st claire yes i i need i need a contact for him because my mother needs that that optic nerve thing she heard about yeah i don't know what they're doing with that yet yeah they're they've got something where they're going to inject bacteria that somehow or another altered into your eye and it's going to fix people's vision well that's how wide your audience is my mom said oh joe rogan had a guy on about optic nerve yeah so uh i gotta david sinclair's name

yeah yeah i gotta i gotta get the number from you. But listen, Joe. Thanks, bro. Listen, I love you, man. I'm happy to see you this way. I love you, too. I'm glad we did this. I'm happy we did and thank you for it. Thanks for taking the time. My pleasure. Alright. Bye, everybody.