The Joe Rogan Experience - #1378 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: November 6, 2019

Greg Fitzsimmons is a writer and stand-up comedian. He also hosts a podcast with Alison Rosen called “Childish" available on Spotify.

Three, two, one, Gregory! Joseph! Sober October's over, but we were allowed to smoke cigars during Sober October for whatever reason, but they do get you high. They do give you a nice little buzz. They do. It's weird that that's thought of as being a sobriety thing. Is it really? I mean, if you're smoking, people smoke cigarettes when they're sober.

Yeah. All those fucking AA guys, right? Those guys were always, those guys were always Those guys will tell you you can't have

a non-alcoholic beer, which I do. I have a non-alcoholic, I haven't had a drink. It'll be fucking 30 years next month that I haven't had a drink. Didn't you have like one or two when Meany died?

When Meany died, I had some scotch. That's a weird one, right? I had like, I didn't get drunk, but I had like a few shots. Did you like feel weird about that? I've been all those years. I think I felt so weird about him being dead that the whole thing felt surreal anyway. And I haven't really – I haven't had the desire. I can't say I can't have the desire.

It's more of just like you feel like there's times where you want to just do what everybody else is doing and just chill out. And you see everybody getting more mellow and relaxed and social. and just chill out. And you see everybody getting more mellow and relaxed and social. And especially if I'm in a situation where, you know, it's a bunch of people I don't know that well. Maybe it's your kid's friend's parent kind of situation. Nice glass of wine to take the edge off.

Dude. Dude. But you did the couple glasses of scotch, and then you didn't go right back to it. Like you became a 21-year-old drunk Greg again. Right. Well, a lot of it has to do with my father. And he was an alcoholic, and I saw his depression.

I have the same depression as he does, and I felt like when I drank, it wasn't always for fun. It was a lot of times, it was like dealing with feelings and bullshit like that. And so I saw him as an unhappy guy who was unfulfilled in a lot of ways, and I saw the alcohol was a big part

of why his life wasn't what it could have been. Right, right. And I just sort of feel like, you know, maybe I could drink, but maybe I can't. Why fuck with it? No, why fuck with it? I'll tell you what, man. I just got done with a whole month of being sober,

and then I had my first drinks this weekend. I felt like shit. No kidding. I felt like shit. Really? I had a couple of glasses of wine, went to play pool, and I was having a hard time focusing on the ball. I was like shit. Really? I had a couple of glasses of wine, went to play pool, and I was having a hard time

focusing on the ball. I was like, looking at the ball, I was like, three glasses of wine? Yeah. That's all it takes? Three glasses of wine? I'm having a hard time seeing? Right. It took like, because everything's like, oh, just a little off. It took like an hour before my liver processed it enough

where I could play pool well again. Do you think you just lost your your Tolerance? Tolerance? Yeah, for sure. Yeah. I mean, I've never been a big drinker anyway.

But it was interesting doing sets. That's what's always interesting. It's not like a shot before I go on stage. I always like to do a shot of Jack before I go on stage. Just, whoa! That's a standard for you? Yeah, a little bit of whiskey.

Wow. For a big show, just one shot for you? Yeah, a little bit of whiskey. Wow. For a big show, just one shot. Bang! Yeah, Brian Regan, one shot of frozen peppermint schnapps before he goes on. Or of peach schnapps. It gives you like this. But it's not necessary.

It's definitely not. I mean, I did a lot of shows this month. Stone cold soba. But it's... Isn't it weird though the human condition that we're born with this set of you know this brain and this these neurological pathways and this relationship to the universe and the people around us and that we want to whether it's smoking pot or drinking or taking opiates we want to change the natural state of our brain

yeah isn't that fucking weird it's very weird because it's all we talk about all people talk about dude what'd you do last week oh dude we got fucked up i changed my brain i made myself dumber all weekend i made myself dumber did a bunch of stupid shit i should have never done and i did stupid shit yeah because in our natural state we don't do goofy shit enough right but then i learned when i quit drinking that i could be just as crazy people didn't realize i quit i'd be hanging out with my same friends in the same bar still four in the morning we'd go to a wedding i'd be the last guy on the dance floor first guy on the dance floor and i just was like you know this doesn't have to change me you know yeah you can just enjoy fun you just enjoy fun it takes a little bit more

of um i think you have to sort of break through walls a little bit more as opposed to just the booze does that for you yeah but you can still get there that's a good way of looking at it the one one thing that I found that affects my writing Marijuana is like steroids for writing Oh my goodness Really? For you? Oh my goodness Yeah

Dude, this weekend, as soon as I started getting high again I'm fucking my notebook full No shit All these crazy ideas Yeah man, half of them are dog shit for sure Yeah, yeah Half of them, at least half of them are dog shit Half would be you're doing pretty well Yeah's pretty good right yeah but i got a few that i'm like

oh there's something in this there's something in this one definitely something in this one so does it like after the show you get high and then you write or you write or you do it during the day well i didn't do any shows this weekend because i was in new york for the ufc and uh i had some friends that i was gonna see while i was down there. My friend Tommy. So I was playing pool with him. And Hinchcliffe came with me too. He plays pool too. But I just decided to not do comedy this weekend. I'm like, I'm here for the UFC.

I only get a chance to see Tommy. He's like one of my good friends from fucking 25 years ago. More. 28 years ago maybe? I might know him for almost 30 years i've known him for fucking ever you know we've become old men together yeah but uh you know we get together and play pool until like two o'clock in the morning i haven't had a chance to do that forever

i don't really get a chance to do it once a year when i see him so i decided not to do any shows but uh just while we were playing I was just getting all these ideas. Generally, I like writing at night when everyone's asleep. That's my favorite time to write. I like to come home from the store, and I sit around with the laptop, and I just start writing. Just force myself to just write for an hour or so. Just write.

Just free form. Just get it all down. Yeah, have a subject. Just start. I don't try just write just free form just get it all down yeah have a subject to start i don't try to write like in joke form i try to write like essays and then try to extract ideas out of those and then turn those into material yeah yeah that's the way to do it it's like it's like i i used to do this thing called the writer's way which is this uh it's great great way to if you're trying it's not just for writing, but just to get your creativity flowing. And one of the things you do is you get out of bed in the morning

and you don't have your coffee. You just take a piss. You don't have to take a piss. You can shit. Like, if you want to shit, you can shit. You're allowed to? You're allowed to shit. Okay.

As a matter of fact, I think that probably helps a lot. Oh, yeah, you don't want the shit inside of you. What are you trying to write also what better feeling than your anus like repuckered after delivering like that it's just a giant dump of lumber just a little halo over the log floating in the water yeah and then you sit down and you write three pages nonstop. You don't let the pen stop. And then you go about your day. And you get out.

It's amazing what your subconscious will get out when you just keep the pen flowing. And like you said, a lot of it's garbage, but within it, there's going to be a couple kernels that are good. Yeah, that's how creativity works with me. I mean, I'm not a consistent hitter. I'm not a 500 hitter in terms of creativity. Yeah. If I get half, half is amazing.

Half would be amazing. 500 is amazing. Yeah. You know, most of it's garbage. Yeah. Sometimes I go back and it gets frustrating reading some of the shit I wrote. Yeah. What the fuck are you?

But I know what I'm doing. Like, when I'm writing, I'm just trying to see if I could dig something out. Yeah. I'm just like I'm out there with a metal detector. Yeah. Do-do, do-do, do-do. You know. Right.

Some guy just found some fucking incredible ancient treasure using a metal detector. Really? Yeah. See if we can find that, Jamie. detector. Really? Yeah. See if we can find that, Jamie. On a beach? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to say, fuck, what era was it from? Ship, right?

No, no, that was a different one. Yeah, that was a crazy one, too. A guy found a fucking shipwreck that was on the beach that was exposed by a crazy storm. Like a storm came along and it pulled away so much of the sand that a fucking shipwreck that was on the beach that was exposed by a crazy storm like a storm came along and it pulled away so much of the sand that a fucking shipwreck was there damn this guy's there walking his dog he's like um what the fuck is this this is a boat yeah yeah that's crazy oh here it is it's uh what is that three million pounds is that pounds? Warhorde of 6,000 gold artifacts from 650 AD uncovered in Staffordshire Field using a two pound metal detector for two dollars. Wow.

Is that pounds or euros? What is that one? I think that's British pounds. So from 650 AD, so 650 years after Jesus is murdered. Shit. Look at that shit. Look how gorgeous that is. Still got the fur on the top.

We're looking at a gold helmet, this really intricate carved gold helmet with a fucking, like a mohawk, a fur mohawk. And look at the detail. It wasn't corroded at all in that salt water all those years. Yeah, that's pretty amazing. Where's Staffordshire? It said it was in a field. Right? So this wasn't salt water.

Oh, my God. Look how beautiful that shit is. That's amazing. A scabbard boss. I don't even know what a boss is. What is a boss? A scabbard boss? What does that mean?

Which is part of an Anglo-Saxon horde found by Terry Herbert. Terry's balling right now. Yeah, Terry. How about Terry? What did Terry do? Did he sell it? I mean, do you keep some? You got to keep some of it.

Are you allowed? What happens there? It's sold to museums for $3.285 million with the funds were split between them. He used a metal detector. Oh, in the field of farmer Fred Johnson. Oh, so they split it. Him and Fred split it up. So they both got a million and a half.

Not bad. Not bad. But it's pounds to dollars. It's not the same. I think it's like $1.20. So he's super balling. Yeah. 80% of the items identified were fittings from weapons, mostly swords, and research believe it's remarkable so many were made from gold.

Wow. Shit. Nine pounds of gold included were 50 incredible rare gold sword pommels as well as parts of a golden helmet. Fucking A, man. The golden age is period of Anglo-Saxon England. Literally. This was a period when gold was suddenly much more available and was converted into beautiful objects for the warrior elite.

I wonder why it was more available. What makes gold more available? Did they figure out how to pull it out of the ground or something? They hadn't started grabbing it from other countries yet. I guess that was their own local gold. Look at this quotation. Look at this. A collection includes, it's believed, a battle shrine with a processional, I don't know what that word means, processional cross, suggesting Christian emblems were used as good luck charms for battle.

battle on it is a quotation from the book of number which reads rise up lord and let thine enemies be scattered and let them that hate thee flee before thee boy yeah wouldn't you love to hear people talk back then yeah right like it probably was so confusing like game of thrones they talk like us but they didn't talk like us yeah they had some weird lingo back well game of thrones is obviously fake but it was supposed to be a long time ago, right? Yeah, and I'm sure they researched. I mean, everything about that show was so authentic. I'm sure they went back and tried to find the way people spoke at that time. Well, not really, though, because it's not really about a time.

It's about a fantasy land. Well, I think it was the War of the Roses it was based on, which was, I think, around the first century, wasn't it? it was based on, which was I think around the first century, wasn't it? Yeah, but they got fucking dark knights or white knights or whatever. Oh yeah, no, they mixed a lot of it together. Night King. But I think there was a point where

the British Empire was divided into whatever it was, five or six different kingdoms. Oh, that's what they based it on? Yeah, that were all fighting for the throne. Apparently they're going to do a prequel now. Like, those guys, they were not going to do it. They were going to cancel it, but they're going to do it now.

I heard it got canceled. Yeah, I heard it got canceled. But there was just something a couple of days ago that said they're doing a preview hundreds of years before. That's about the Targaryens. That's awesome. Fuck yeah. Get back after it Targaryens. That's awesome. Fuck yeah. Get back after it, you fucks. Come on.

Give me anything. The thing about that show is they kill everybody. So they can always have new people. Yeah. They fucking kill everybody. Remember the Red Wedding? Holy shit. Yeah.

Here we go. HBO finally issued a statement on the canceled. It's canceled. Thumbs down. Bad news. It's over. Thumbs down. Bad news. It's over. What? Yeah, sorry.

What? What did they say? What's their statement? They're bringing back Arliss, so they need space. That's why he won an Emmy, ladies and gentlemen. That's right. What is the statement? Is this a good excuse?

What could their good excuse be? We suck and we hate money? It just says they decided not to move forward with the series. Fuck out of here. Well, part of the problem is that, who's the guy that wrote all the books that it was based on and he wrote the first...

George Martin? George Martin wrote all of them until they got to the last season, the last two seasons and then he ran out of steam. And that's why they weren't as good. People say that last season wasn't as good as the rest because it was the the two showrunners that it that it i thought the last season was excellent up until the last episode last episode was kind of like how do we end this yeah let's make the guy in the wheelchair a king yeah let's make him gay too yeah it's. It's just, come on, man. Yeah.

You know. Yeah, they didn't, you know, when you think about the last episode of any show is going to get a lot. Remember how much shit Seinfeld got for the last episode? Yes. Because they didn't do anything. And Game of Thrones did the same thing. They punted. Yeah.

They didn't go for anything. Right. Yeah. The beautiful thing about news radio's last episode is we didn't know it was our last episode it was the only time we ever thought we were gonna get picked up no shit and that was how many seasons five the ratings were good yeah the last season we were like we did pretty good yeah they're like fuck it it's over why uh probably because phil was dead yeah you know and love it's came back and Lovitz replaced Phil. How many seasons was that? Just one?

Yes. The final season. Yeah. Maybe. I mean, who knows? It was also the problem with the news radio was news radio was not owned by NBC. Okay. So it was one of those shows where we moved at least eight times during the five years that we were on the air.

Your time slot. Yeah. Just always moving. And this is before the five years that we were on the air. Your time slot. Yeah, just always moving. And this is before the internet, so you couldn't tell people. It's not like you could tweet, hey, news radio is going to be on Monday at 8 o'clock, but you don't give a fuck because you have a DVR. Right. So just DVR it. Right. No, you found it when it was on if you were lucky.

And they didn't advertise that much. It was like, news radio, moving to Friday at 8. It just would move around. We moved all over the fucking place. Was it on NBC? NBC, yeah. Did you ever have a good lead-in? Sometimes. One time we were on the Thursday night, which was the big night with Seinfeld

and friends, and we crushed it. Yeah. We were like number two in the world. Is that how they launched you? No, no, no. I don't remember how they launched. I don't remember. I remember one time we were on Thursday and everybody was was so excited maybe on thursday we'll be right after caroline the shitty yeah that's what we used to call it remember carolina city yeah right it was a few of those shows like the single guy like what is this and you would watch it on forever because they were owned by someone either mbc or someone who had a deal with NBC, Warner Brothers or whoever it was.

That's the weird thing about television shows. You can last forever if you have a good lead in and there's someone good after you because people just slack draw it and keep that TV on. That's how it used to be at least. Now I think that model's kind of out the window. Now they take that sweet spot after their number one show and they try to launch something. They'll put something they like in there to get it legs. And then once it's good, they try to create that and want that to be the lead in for another show.

It's like baseball, managing baseball. Right. But who the fuck? Who's watching TV with commercials now? Who's sitting there and actually watching TV with commercials? Like how much time do you have? And do you not know that there are so many shows that you could watch that don't have commercials? Yeah.

And you could just watch those and record that one and then come back and watch it when it doesn't have commercials or fast forward through the commercials. Yeah. Or just get Hulu. Yeah. Pay $10 a month and watch the history of television from the pilots i go back and watch pilots on hulu that's the fucking greatest dude the taxi pilot i just watched recently i forgot about taxi the taxi pilot was so fucking heartwarming it was oh my god it was about alex krieger had a daughter that he hadn't seen he was estranged from

he was basically like a deadbeat dad and it was about him reconnecting with her and the second half of the episode was all of them in a fucking new york taxi driving down to florida so he could meet his daughter nowadays it has to be like all all right, what's the simplest, most basic storyline that lets you – you've got to get to know each character, each relationship, two or three great act breaks. There's so much criteria that go into the structure of it. There's no room for anything interesting to happen. Where's the diversity? Do you have diversity? Where's the inclusiveness?

Right. Inclusivity and diversity. What's the message? What's the heart? Yes. Yeah. Yeah, you can't just make a white well you mean you kind of can curb your enthusiasm is still that it's hbo yeah but the networks

haven't done much well the networks did cool stuff with like the office 30 rock was kind of interesting well the dumbest thing in the networks for sure are the presidential debates the fact that they take these people that are running for the most important job in the fucking known universe and they we're out of time thank you thank you mr senator thank you mr senator we're out of time thank you miss congresswoman thank you yeah thank you mrs congresswoman you're out of time right right you have 80 seconds to just fucking spill out as many words and get your point across and try to go viral yeah and and the worst part is then you got like the uh the the also rands that are like on the edge of the they got the last podium on the left the guy's like the mayor of dayton and he's trying to get headlines by

taking a shot at the real candidates which just hurts the democratic party yep you know it just makes the main guy look bad because he's so so they got to winnow down the field. I think a couple people just dropped out. Beto O'Rourke just dropped out. Shocking. Yeah. I thought that guy had king written all over him. At the beginning.

At the beginning. Get the fuck out of here. He never did. But he was this guy that – he got hot from running against – who did he run against? Ted Cruz in Texas. Texas of all places. He's running against the guy who's a fucking, you know, arch conservative. And he comes out as this bleeding heart liberal and almost wins.

And it's like all of a sudden Texas is not a red state. It's starting to become like a purple state. Purple is a good word for it. Well, Austin is very weird, right? Austin is this super blue area in a red state yeah but it's also got a lot of cowboys and guns and barbecue yeah it's such a great place fucking great place this is one of the best places on earth yeah it really is and people figured that out too you go there and the fucking traffic is absurd yeah you're like what why are you all here

like yeah oh you found out it's awesome there's a there's a great place to shoot pool they're called the jackalope jack-o-lantern jackalope and uh it's just like you just go in there and fucking everybody says hi hey you want to shoot a game let me buy you beer texas great fucking music on the jukebox and oh i love that place yeah it's not well they're a little you know i mean they're kind of aware that it's supposed to be kind of cool so they act a little cool like you know keep austin weird those t-shirts by the way if you wear one of those fucking t-shirts those keep austin weird t-shirts you're a part of the problem you're not weird you know you're not weird and you're if you're selling them you're a piece of shit you just you're fucking it all up you found

this spot you're fucking doing those those hollywood lights you know when they have a premiere come on everybody here's a spot yeah let's come ruin it let's make a documentary about why it's cool when i first started going there though man i was just stunned i was like what a cool fucking place people are educated and aware but also southern yeah they have a southern accent a texas accent but they're also educated and very friendly and open-minded it's a very unique place and great fucking music yeah there yeah i'm playing there i'm going to cap city oh shit one of my favorite clubs it's great the only club i did this whole year, like on the road. Oh, no shit.

Really? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I'm just saying, I'm going there. Yeah. Because I was about four or five months after my special, and I just put together an hour that I could kind of go on the road with.

Yeah. And I'm like, this is good. Let's go to Cap City. Bang out two shows a night. Fuck yeah. Yeah. It's just a great place, man. Right. It's a fun place. Like, I've had so much is good. Let's go to Cap City. Bang out two shows a night. Fuck yeah. It's just a great place, man. Right.

It's a fun place. Like, I've had so much fun there. Yeah. Like, that club is just, it's got fun soaked into the floorboards. Mm-hmm. You know, it's like, it's just a fun, it's a club where, I mean, so many great comics have performed there. They got good taste.

Yeah. You know? Yeah, they curate good shows. I mean, they get all kinds of comedy. Like, Maria Bamford will be there one week, and the next week it'll be fucking Doug Stanhope or somebody like that. It's just, you know, they're all over the place.

But it's not downtown, though. That's the only thing, is you got to take a little Uber into town. It's about five, ten minutes out. Yeah, but at nighttime it's fine. The real problem there is rush hour they have a real rush hour now yeah they didn't have a real rush hour 10 years ago yeah 10 years ago you could get around in austin there's no issue i think it's where young

kids get out of college now and when they used to go to san francisco now they go to austin yeah there's a lot of tech startups there there's a lot of the tech business. Yeah. I mean, Onnit's there too. There's a lot of shit there. Onnit's there? Yeah. Oh, no shit.

Onnit, Onnit Gym's there as well. The whole, the factory's there. Everything's there. Yeah. Yeah. You go there much?

Not that often. Yeah. No. Maybe once a year. No board meetings you have to be at? I'm not a board meeting kind of guy. Yeah.

I can picture you at a board meeting. Stoned. Stoned. Looking at your watch, checking your fucking phone. Checking my Instagram. Let's see if anybody posted a good Epstein didn't kill himself meme. Oh, fucking Epstein. Man, what a story.

What a story. And so now, what did they say? That it looks like he was choked to death? Yeah, his brother hired a real fucking autopsy guy to check it out,

including that guy, Michael Badden from that HBO autopsy show. That guy said he was murdered. Who dinged? I might have dinged. Do you remember that show, HBO Autopsy? No.

It was a great show that was on basically pre-internet, where you would watch these wacky fucking stories of people that got busted murdering people by this one really good autopsy coroner. And this coroner, Dr. Michael Badden, one of the ones I'll never forget. He took this one lady. He was in love with this lady. And she died.

And he stole her corpse and had it in his house and put a tube where her vagina was. And he had bought cases and cases of perfume because she was rotting in his bed. And he would just douse her in perfume and keep fucking her wow dude and he put a tube in her vagina so that it didn't collapse well he put a tube there so he could fuck the tube he put a fuck hole in this dead lady's body damn yeah oh

my god dude and apparently it was like the smell was insane yeah like horrific and this guy one of the i think one of the ways they were suspicious like why is this motherfucker buying cases of perfume yeah but he put a mask over her face and you know just like just the fact that it used to be her yeah was enough right forget his deal i think i want to say he was a doctor that was and she was a patient of his and he was in love with her huh yeah just some dude who just had a fucking major fuse blow yeah it just goes to show you don't know who it's gonna be it's it's not just some derelict on the street it could be your fucking doctor oh look doctors are just humans man yeah they're just humans and a lot of them have access to drugs because of the fact that they're doctors.

There was a book called Dead Doctors Don't Lie. And it was basically the gist of the book was that a lot of people are dealing with mineral deficiencies. And that mineral deficiencies, it's by a guy named Dr. Joel Wallach. It's a controversial book. And his ideas are fairly controversial, but they're not controversial in the sense that, like, in animal husbandry, in agriculture, animal agriculture, people are very aware that you need to supplement the diet of a lot of animals with minerals. They don't bait animals, right? These are wild animals that are in these giant ranches. But when they have like a, there's a place in Utah that I go to, it's like 270,000 acres.

Huge place. But every, you know, fucking mile or so, they scatter, they'll put these mineral licks. And it's a mineral lick so that the deer and the elk get minerals in their diet because animals desperately need minerals, and sometimes they don't get enough of it from their diet, and particularly from foods where the ground is deficient in minerals. Say if you're growing corn, monocrops is what they call monocrop agriculture you're growing corn on like fucking 700 acres just growing corn well when they till that land like every year that that land has less minerals like you're not supposed to grow the same thing

in the same place forever right and the places that are doing it right they do what's called regenerative agriculture. And there's a real good argument for it's one of the reasons why it's good to raise grass-fed cattle in these areas because the manure from the cattle actually is a great fertilizer. It's good. And also scraps from food, fish, and different things. It's good. And also scraps from food, fish, and different things. You need nitrogen.

And nitrogen is very difficult to get when you want to put it into the ground for fertilizer and all these other different minerals. Phosphorus. Yeah, all kinds of shit. You have to add that stuff to the soil now because the topsoil has been so eroded from continuous over farming and that his contention was that most of us when even if you're eating like you know vegetables and you know you're getting stuff at the grocery store you're getting things that are minerally deficient they're not optimally mineralized if that's a word i don't think that's a word but there's not like so i take uh colloidal minerals it's um just a liquid form of minerals like minerals that come from um there's a type of water that's like a very rich in mineral water

that it's called glacial milk and basically what it is is the runoff from glaciers that uh it carries an incredible amount of minerals in it to the point where the water actually kind of looks kind of milky. And you can get that in some places. Some places on Earth, people, their water actually looks like that because it's got so many minerals in it. And these people have like dark hair and, you know, there's health benefits are attributed to that. Right. I'm not smart enough to know whether or not that's accurate. But there's definitely some benefits, some health benefit to taking minerals.

Right. People go to mineral spas. I mean, it was always the, that was the miracle elixir. Yeah. Do you take any minerals? Do you take any? I don't take anything. Is that glacial milk?

Yeah. Freshwater meets glacial milk in Iceland. Look at that. Isn't that crazy? Damn. So that stuff on the rise is just fucking overwhelmingly packed with minerals. So they just bottle that shit?

I think you probably could get too many minerals too. I mean, there's always like the balance. What is a good intake? Like, I don't take shit. I think sometimes I take vitamin D. Vitamin D is good, especially for a white fellow like yourself. You're not getting enough sun. That's why I take vitamin D. Vitamin D is good, especially for a white fellow like yourself.

You're not getting a lot of sun. Right, right. That's why I take it. That's real good. And that's it. Do you take D3? That's all I take. D3 is very good.

I take B. I take D. I take multivitamins. I take what this is called. It's a company called Pure, Pure Encapsulations. And they have an athlete pure pack. It's very nice because it's real simple, a little packet I take. Not a sponsor.

Take this packet, just bring them with me on the road, open it up, and just take those. It's just – and then I also take – there's a company called Athletic Greens, and they make a really good supplement that I pour into water, and it's easy and it's got a bunch of different shit vitamins and minerals that is a sponsor yeah that's good that's good too because it's it's whole food based it's not there's nothing synthesized it's all based on food but i think you have you really should take something you know i mean it's so hard to make sure that you're getting all the vitamins that you need from your food especially when you go on the road yeah on the road it's you know unless you know you're getting a you're eating in a really good organic restaurant where you're getting

high quality vegetables high quality meat right it's hard hotels have gotten a lot better man in our lifetime hotel food used to be garbage. How about airport food? Airport food's gotten great. Way better. You got lemonades in there. Yeah, you can get real food at the airport. Yeah. Yeah. That's a big issue, man.

It's a big issue for people that go on the road. Because, you know, you're on the road like three, four days in a row eating fucking Jack in the Box. You start feeling like shit. Oh, yeah. I mean, comedy club food in 50 years has not gotten any better. It's deep fried chicken wings and. Except Comedy Magic Club. Comedy Magic's got good club?

Dude, they give you a fucking serious restaurant steak there. Like, you could go there and eat a legit excellent dinner. Oh, what am I saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had plenty of dinners there. Very good. Right. They do have good food.

Ice House has good burgers, too. Yeah. Ice House has very good burgers. Uh-huh. But Comedy Magic Club is probably the tops. That's top. And you know what's good, too, is Hilarity's in Cleveland. They got the Pickwick and Frolic restaurant upstairs.

Yes. I was just there. That's a good restaurant. I was just there. Really? Yeah. We went to see Jesse May. Me and Santino.

Jesse May was playing at Hilarity'sities and we were over at uh we were at this arena so we came down and saw jesse may and uh i had a prime rib it was fucking great it's good right very good very good nick costas although santino got food poisoning no yes he did oh boy yes he did we don't know where he got it i'm assuming it was the vegetables i mean that's a lot of times where people get it you get it get it from things that aren't washed properly or sit out. Like, they say that a large percentage of food poisoning cases are salad. Yeah, I could see that. Yeah, it's handled wrong, not washed correctly.

Yeah. You know, a lot of people, when they get E. coli, they get it from salad because of the runoff from animal agriculture, the runoff from the shit, animal shit, gets into the water, the water gets into the lettuce or the spinach is a big one spinach, a lot of people get E. coli. Well that's why if you go to a third world country where you don't trust the water stay away from the salad. Oh yeah

That's the first thing they say is don't eat lettuce in a third world country. Good point. Yeah Right, like meat is meat As long as it's seared on the outside you're golden oh yeah look at anthony barden when he would just go to fucking vietnam and go to a street meat shop where there's no running water and he'd just gobble down some fucking whatever meat you didn't even know what meat it was well they used to drink wine uh when people would travel to prevent travelers illness because they didn't want to drink water.

Because if you drank water, like if you found a fucking pond somewhere and you're trying to suck some water out of it. Yeah. Like back then, it wasn't a lot. I mean, you had to boil it. That's it. Yeah. Nowadays, they have a bunch of different things you could do to water if you find it.

Like you could take water out of a fucking elk wallow. You know what an elk wallow is it's like a puddle that elk piss in and they wallow around it and they get their scent on it especially when they're rutting when they're having sex with the female elk they get in there and they piss all over the water and they roll around in it and so you get this muddy puddle and sometimes hikers like if you're on some serious fucking trek you know you're doing like the appalachian trail or something like that yeah water scares you can't find a creek you got to take the water out of an elk wallow i have friends i have friends that have done that

and you throw it through some filters what they do is they'll take it and they'll throw it through filters well they'll put it through a biological filter first. So there's like a filter that's like a pump. But the problem is those pumps can get clogged up because they're basically taking the sediment and then they're filtering it out. And then you get the water afterwards. It still tastes like piss. Yeah. Because there's piss in it.

You're drinking piss. You're just drinking piss that's not contaminated with something that can kill you. Wow. And then a lot of times, guys, even after that, it takes something called a SteriPen. You ever heard of a SteriPen? Steri is short for sterilization pen. And it uses some kind of light. Pull up SteriPen.

I don't want to say this wrong. But utilizing some sort of light, some sort of, I forget what kind of light. What is it? UV light. UV light. And you keep it in the water for a certain amount of time. It just nukes everything, kills everything. But still.

That's amazing. Tastes like piss. So you're drinking piss. Yeah. You're definitely drinking piss. So a lot of times guys will take, like they sell these different, there's a SteriPen. drinking piss so a lot of times guys will take like they sell these different there's a steripen so that little thing with that light you spin it around inside your your glass of water and depending upon the amount of ounces a certain amount of time but it's not that much time

shockingly it's like 10 minutes and sometimes guys even throw iodine tablets in water to like the whole deal is just kill anything that can fuck you up and just get over the fact that it's going to taste like piss. And then they also take, like, there's a bunch of companies. There's a company called Mountain Ops. They have stuff that, like, you throw into the water to make the water taste better. I wonder if you drink a glass of that. If you saw a female elk and she started presenting.

Did you get hard? You'd get hard as a rock. I think you'd probably want to suck an elk's dick. You'd probably be gay for elk. No. No, it's not gay if it's an animal. It's a male animal. It's bestiality.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, they should get those into third world countries, some version of that, to help people drink water. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they should get those into third world countries, some version of that, to help people drink water. Yes, yeah, yeah. Well, they definitely do. They definitely do get filters and different things like that into certain countries.

You know, we're involved with Fight for the Forgotten. It's my good buddy, Justin Wren. He's got a charity where they build wells for the pygmies in the Congo. Oh, wow. charity where they build wells for the pygmies in the Congo. Oh, wow. And through this podcast and through this company, a company called the Cash App, they've raised thousands and thousands of dollars and built a bunch of wells. And they're in the process of building them now.

And we've donated a bunch of money to that, too. Oh, that's amazing. It's very cool. But my point being, this motherfucker was just here last week. And he's got a parasite they can't even identify. And he's had it for six months. And he gets so fucked up like sometimes he works out and then he gets to the point where his his body turns pale and

he starts shaking and shivering and they have to get him into a shower like oh shit dude they don't even know what it is like they think do you remember what he said it was they think it was a type of parasite they've been testing like lyme disease recently yeah quite a few things yeah quite a few things no idea they think it's in his brain, whatever it is. Jesus. Yeah, and he's been on heavy, heavy, heavy antibiotics. And, of course, one of the things that comes with heavy antibiotics, particularly something called Cipro, is you don't just get sick from that.

You also get your ligaments become very lax, and they get weak. And a lot of people that come off antibiotics for a long period of time, they are subject to injuries. Like athletes, when they get staph infection, they put you on this heavy dose of antibiotics, but all your ligaments get weak and you end up tearing your ACL. He's got both of his shoulders are torn And he thinks it's probably a connection To the antibiotics That he had to take to deal with the staff

Or to deal with whatever the fuck this This infection is That he's got some very very strange parasite He goes so deep in the Congo It might be an unidentified parasite And that's part of the problem He's basically like a fucking lab rat right now And he's got malaria three different times wow not once not twice three times yeah fucking malaria three times did he he didn't

take the uh anti-malarial stuff it's still still well he one of the things he got it and then he said the anti-malaria shit is so bad and it's it's it's so rough on you that some people would prefer to get malaria and get it treated. And what was the stuff that he said that you get? There's a toxic sickness that he got from Malodorn. What the fuck was it called? I'm trying to think of that word. Malodium.

Malodium. I can pull it up. There's a type of anti-malaria medication that they give to, particularly to soldiers. And they find that these guys, it's fucking incredibly toxic. And they found it in his brain. They found that he's got, he's suffering from poisoning from this

anti-malaria medication. And he was on, like, really high doses of this shit, too. If you live somewhere like that, you're supposed to be taking it all the time. Constantly. What the fuck? You know, when they built the,

the, Melodium? What the fuck? The Panama Canal. They went down there. The French tried to dig it for like 50 fucking years and they were dropping

like flies from the malaria. They didn't know it was from malaria. They had no idea what was going on. They just knew people were getting sick while they were trying to trying to i mean the scope of that project at that time was insane i mean they were hand digging a fucking canal canal from i mean through like

thick jungle in the middle of the country in the middle of the country and they were just people were getting sick and then they would uh and eventually france after 50 years said fuck it and then he just left and then for some reason we bought it and we're like we can do it so we went down there meflo queen meflo queen that sounds like a queef she meflo cleaned so we show up and they realize one guy for some but spell it spell it out and put it up put it up there again so we could a mellow queen meflo queen sold under the brand names larium that's what i've heard i've heard medication to prevent or treat malaria it's used for pretend to start a potential exposure and continue for several weeks after potential exposure and then people get sick off of that stuff.

Yeah. Is that it? That's definitely it? Okay. All right. It seems wrong. Like the name seems wrong, doesn't it? That's what I looked up.

I know, but does it seem right to you? It seems wrong to me. I don't know. I'm sure it's right, but it just. So we go in and some genius goes, it's the fucking mosquitoes. We're getting an infection from the mosquitoes. So they've simply got rid of standing water. They just started finding.

They had teams of people every day would go out, and they'd find puddles, and they would get rid of the puddles. And they went from going like, I'm telling you, one out of three people was dying trying to dig this tunnel, and they went to almost nobody dying. Do you know malaria has killed some insane number of people? We looked it up once. I think the rumor is that it's killed half the people who have ever died, ever.

No shit. Have been killed by malaria. Whoa. Yeah. That was what I had heard. I think it's less than that, that they can definitely determine was killed by malaria. But nevertheless, it's a staggering number of humans. Those little dirty mosquitoes.

Yeah. I think we can get rid of them, right? Yeah, they're trying to do that. They're trying to genetically engineer mosquitoes that don't carry malaria and then they're also thinking that you know this is really dangerous really dangerous that they could just get rid of mosquitoes period but the problem with that is man you don't know how all that shit's connected i know what happens if you get rid of mosquitoes what the beetles take over the beetles start carrying diseases they start biting people like what morphs like a mosquito wasn't always a mosquito this must be understood right a mosquito at one

point in time was a single-celled organism just like us and then it became a mosquito and found a really good niche right it's like this fucking mosquito business is the shit right yeah it's like fast food like you can't go wrong mosquito business is awesome sure they fucking go crazy yeah all they need is a little bit of water and any living thing that they can take a little fucking drop of blood from did you ever go to my when i rented a house in encino did you ever go to that place i don't think so i think it was before you moved out here but when i first moved out here i've rented this house in encino and nobody had lived in it for a couple of years. And the fucking pool had not been taken care of. So the pool was green like the Hulk's dick.

Okay. And I looked in the pool and it was little things were swimming like schools of fish. And I was like, what the fuck is this? And the pool guy goes, oh, bro, that's mosquito larva. I was like, what? And he goes, yeah. He goes, we got to kill this now before you literally infect the entire neighborhood with mosquitoes like there was fish no shit swimming whoa dude

like filled with mosquito have you ever seen mosquito larvae in the pool it was so disturbing i was like i gotta get a hotel he's like no no we, no, we can kill it. We can kill it. But they had to pour like, fuck, they drained the entire pool and poured gallons and gallons of poison in there. They just filled, and I couldn't swim in it for like six months or something. I don't remember what it was. But it was so nasty. You could see this little fucker swimming. Yeah.

Like schools of fish. That's amazing. Like little schools. Swimming around there. Wow. Yeah. Standing water. Yeah, standing water, man. That's all it takes. That's why you got little schools. Swimming around there. Wow. Yeah. Standing water. Yeah, standing water, man.

That's all it takes. That's why you got to have a fountain. You have little fucking bubbles running through it. We are so, so lucky when it comes to bugs out here, though. I know. We got no bugs. No bugs. Well, we got termites.

That's the only thing that they're fucking insidious. Yeah, they're gross. We built a fence around our house. Took like six weeks. They put it in. And six months later, there's fucking, like, little... You never see shavings from that powder on the bottom?

I'm like, you motherfuckers brought termite-infested wood to my house, and now it's in my house also. The wood had termites in it? Can you sue? Probably. I'm not really a sewer. What are you? You plot revenge? Just a guy who Probably. I'm not really a sewer. What are you?

You plot revenge? Just a guy who gets sad when things happen. Silent revenge. Don't say that. I'm Irish. Silent revenge. Yeah.

Revenga. I'm an arsonist. I find the next project he's going to do. Take it down. So they brought wood that had termites in it. Yeah.

For sure? Well, the wood had fucking termites in it immediately. Did you contact the contractor? I don't even remember. This was like 15 years ago. Whatever. Is the fence still there? Yeah, but it's like I tried to screw something into it the other day and it wouldn't hold

the fucking screw. It was like powder underneath. The whole thing needs to be ripped down. You could run through that fence like the Hulk. Yeah, yeah. We're not keeping anybody out. The high thing needs to be ripped down. You could run through that fence like the Hulk. Yeah, yeah. We're not keeping anybody out. The high C guy and the Hulk meeting at my house. The Kool-Aid guy, right?

Hey, Kool-Aid. Remember that? Whatever happened to the Kool-Aid guy? They just stopped that campaign. That was a huge campaign. He ran through the fucking house everywhere. Kids were sitting there, boy, I'm thirsty. Boom! A fucking giant pitcher. Kool-Aid guy shows up. Yeah. A pitcher with a face on thirsty. Boom! A fucking giant pitcher. A pitcher with a face on it.

Runs right through your house. You kids want a fucking bucket of sugar with some water in it? Boy, was that delicious, though. Hell yeah. I had some Kool-Aid a couple years ago. I ate at this place in, what's that shitty town in California? Fresno. There's a place called god damn it i follow them on instagram it's a soul food place in fresno trying to remember um paul's kitchen is that it chef paul's cafe dude you know sometimes you're in the road you find a place that's just fucking off the charts good.

If you're in Fresno, ladies and gentlemen, Chef Paul's Cafe. I fucking give it two thumbs up. No shit. Five stars. Full on soul food. Like fucking collard greens, oxtails, like phenomenal food. And they also had Kool-Aid. I was like, okay, well, obviously I'm going all in. I got to get the Kool-Aid too. I hadn't had Kool-aid okay well obviously i'm going all in i gotta get the

kool-aid too i hadn't had kool-aid in probably a decade is that a soul food thing kool-aid i don't know it was their menu thing yeah they had a bunch of crazy shit on the menu that's it right there but you know it's a great restaurant in a sketchy town yeah fresno sketchy as fuck i mean you got like, we were driving down the street. There's like homeless communities, skid row style. Look at that food, dude. Seriously. Chicken and waffles.

Yeah. Oh my God. Their food is so good. Their fried chicken's off the charts. But the oxtail, I had oxtail. There's chicken and waffles. Oh, that looks good. It's so good, man.

That place is amazing. It's so good, man. That place is amazing. And it's just super, super authentic, like down-home, like real hearty comfort food. There's that Kool-Aid right there, baby. Kool-Aid on the menu. I mean, why not, man? Just get all the flavors when you're at a place like that. Right.

Don't drink water, you asshole. Get all the flavors. Get yourself some Kool-Aid, too. Get yourself some Kool-Aid, too. Well, that's what Red Bull is, isn't it? It's just kool-aid get yourself some kool-aid well that's what red bull is isn't it it's just kool-aid red bull has taurine in it and taurine is actually originally from bull cum really yes taurine is a stimulant that's derived from bulges and uh hitler used to actually take bull cum i think i found that out from Tom Papa.

Was that who told me? Someone told me that. And we googled it. I was like, what? They figured out a way to synthesize it, but taurine is one of the actual ingredients in bulges. So people used to take bulges as some sort of a stimulant, I guess?

Here it is. Heil Hitler! Oh, hi Hitlerler medical records show fura adolf was a cocaine addict and was injected with bull semen to help his sex life he also took uh steroids he took a lot of uh testosterone he suffered from flatulence known to break wind during meals with his generals oh they all ratted him. I wonder if you say to a guy who's killing millions of Jews, that was offensive. Yeah. That smell was offensive.

Your farts are worse than what you've done to the Jews. Right, you gassed them. You're gassing us now. Well, he was a vegetarian, too. Was he? Yeah. You eat a lot of vegetables. That's the gas.

Broccoli farts. Yeah. They're famous. Oh, yeah. Because your body's breaking down all that fiber farts. Yeah. They're famous. Oh, yeah. Because your body's breaking down all that fiber. Yeah. Yeah. I think it has something to do also with the vegetables are breaking down faster than the meat.

If you eat meat and vegetables and they get caught in your intestine, that's where you get pockets of gas. The meat's blocking it up. Fermenting. Yeah. Steaming up. Creating gas. Yeah. Dude, I've been farting.

Phenomenal. I enjoy farting. Dude, I've been farting phenomenally. I enjoy farting. Do you? And my wife laughs at it. Thank God. We wouldn't still be together. You fart in front of her? Oh, yeah.

You don't even let her know it's coming? No, it's, I will walk in the room with a fart because she laughs at it. I don't know what it is.

She thinks it's funny every fucking time I fart. She's like a guy. Yeah. She is. And she farts. She wishes she could fart as much as I fart She's like a guy Yeah, she is And she wishes she could fart as much as I do But when she does, she lets me know Our family does

The whole family farts? Son farts at the dinner table, we all laugh We're very open about it But do you think that's going to carry on to his next relationship? I hope so I hope so too, but it's hard to find a gal that's down with that I think you've got to make them down with it. You ease them in.

You start with a little one, and then gently you just, you know. If they smell you, take it in the other room. But if it's just a, and you know your cycle. You usually know what's in the tank based on the previous ones. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes you think you're floating in an air biscuit and you let out a bomb. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Whenever I'm getting on a plane, I try to get a few out before I get on the plane when I'm on that ramp. You know what's weird? This is really strange. I mean, really strange. And not a lot of people are aware of this. When you are around certain smells, like, say if you're butchering an animal okay say if you shot an animal in the field and you're hunting and you you cut it up and you you the smells that come

from that animal will be in your farts even if you don't eat it wow it's weird oh shit it's weird and i had i had recognized this but i was confused by. And then it was brought up to me by friends that are hunting guides in Alberta, my friends John and Jen, the Rivets. They've got this guide service, and one of the things they hunt is bears. And bear is delicious, but you have to cook it right because you can get trichinosis. It's like pork, same kind of deal. But they smell like their their guts and like when you're butchering them like you they a lot of times people use what's called the gutless method this means you you take all the meat out without opening up the gut cavity because if you do get that stuff on you like specifically if

they've been eating something that's rotten the the smell is horrible. That smell comes out in your farts. And one of their daughters canceled school. She stayed home because she was farting so bad. She was like, I can't go to school farting like this. Yeah. I will be a pariah. But I've smelt it before. She farted. Someone's like, did you have bear?

Yeah, like if I've shot a deer in the field and you're you're we do we it's called quartering it you gut it you take out the heart and the liver you eat the heart and the liver you take out the you take quarter it you take like the the limbs off you take like the legs off and you take the meat off the back it's called the back straps and the tender lines you take all that stuff out, and then when you fart, you fucking smell that animal in your farts. Wow. And this was addressed, actually, by my friend Steve Rinella on the show Meat Eater. They were trying to figure out why.

They're like, okay, this is a real thing, right? Everybody talks about this. How is it getting in you? You're smelling it, and then somehow or another, those molecules come out. You go all the way through your body from you smelling it and breathing in that air, and it comes out in your farts, and you smell this horrific gut smell. Sounds like a good game show.

You know, you go into a room, and you come out, and the contestants have to guess what animal you just courted. Wham! I wonder if that's the case with, I mean, it must be the case with fish, too. Like, you catch a bunch of fish, you gut them, and then you probably smell fish farts when you're farting. You probably smell like fish. But the weird thing is it would make sense if you were eating it, right? If you cooked it and ate it, that would make sense.

But this is, I'm telling you, this is farting when you've had none of it yet. You haven't eaten any of it. But you fart. i'm telling you this is farting when you've had none of it yet you haven't eaten any of it but you fart yeah when you smell it i think i fart i think you fart from getting nervous also like if you're a nervous person i think you fart a lot that makes sense right your gut starts building all the juices and stuff yeah here it is farts can fight strokes heart attacks and dementia scientists that's fantastic it is. Farts can fight strokes, heart attacks, and dementia, scientists claim. That's her farts. Fantastic.

That girl. She farts in your face. You don't get a heart attack. I think we just get a hot chick in the picture. A study has proven that farts can help your cells to live. What? What? Yeah, there's sulfur.

What is it? Hydrogen sulfide. There you go. Is well known as a pungent, foul-smelling gas in rotten eggs and flatulence. It is naturally produced in the body and could, in fact, be a healthcare hero with significant implications for future therapies for a variety of diseases. Can you imagine if all those weirdos that pay women to fart in their face, if they're on to something?

Yeah, right. Right. Those women are heroes. Those are the most confusing porn videos. I've never seen that. Where guys are like laying there and girls are like, you like to fart, you dirty bitch. And they fart in their face.

Yeah, mommy, give me that fart, mommy. And they fart in their face. Oh, it's so fucking, it's so confusing. It makes me shut my laptop and walk around the block that's fucking great i've seen a bunch of those you never seen one of those no i've never seen it i'm just trying to figure out who the first guy was that had the balls to just go like

smelling a fart and going i think this is it i think this is my you know for some people it's it's feet you know right some, it's farts. Wow. That's a thing with guys. Farting in the face. Some people like a lot of weird shit. I had this girl on the podcast back in the day. It actually made me sad talking to her. Her name was Sierra Lynch.

Remember her? I was like, what? She's selling her piss. She sells toenail clippings dirty socks dirty underwear all these guys and then she humiliates these guys they want her to humiliate them and the the worst she treats them she's what i believe she refers to her and she's a very smart girl very pretty too she refers to herself as a humiliatrix like it's like that's's her business. Like, she bought a fucking house. Like, she's wealthy because of getting these guys to buy her shit and piss. Yeah.

Very strange. I think I got a new nickname for my wife. Humiliatrix. But I met this prostitute in Lake Tahoe. She had come to my show, and she was like, you know, in Nevada, it's all legal. And so I go, what's the weirdest client that you ever had? And she goes, well, I don't know if you're ready for this, but I met this guy, and he lived in Colorado, and he had been in Nevada. Liked her.

She said she's up for anything. S sends a jet to take her to colorado oh jesus they go to denver to some five-star hotel come up to the suite presidential suite they come in she's like i have no idea what this is about and he goes now this is going to be weird but it's not going to hurt you just go with with it. I think I know where this is going. Room service shows up. Guy's got a tray. He's got four plates of hamburger meat, uncooked, just hamburger meat. Tips the guy.

He leaves, and he says, what I want you to do is take this meat. I'm going to get naked, and you're going to take handfuls of it and shove it up my ass. I didn't think it was going there. Five pounds of hamburger meat. And he just stood there, and she kept stuffing it up, stuffing it up. No erection, no sex, no touching her. And then back on the jet, back to Nevada. So he's a wealthy guy.

He paid her a ton of money. Oh, my God. I'm surprised, but I'm not surprised. Like if you said, would you bet your life that there's a guy out there that sent a private jet to get a prostitute and take her to a nice restaurant and then paid her to stuff hamburger meat up his ass. If you're wrong, you die. Yeah. I go, yeah, it probably happened. Right? Right, a million monkeys typing, you know?

Yeah, I mean, I'm not, I'm surprised, but I'm not stunned. Right. I'm not like, no way, I don't believe that. Yeah. I believe it. Well, and the funny thing is, like, I don't get the sense this guy is on a chat room talking to other guys that stuff ground beef up their asses. This is his thing.

Right. That's a personal thing. He's got so much fucking money that his mind just goes to places, and he can indulge it. He can just go, yeah, I'll try that. What the fuck, man? And talk about getting diseases. Oh, yeah. Well, there's just an outbreak of, is it salmonella?

Yeah, from ground beef. I think someone died. One person died. A few other people have been recalled. Right. Yeah, you can get salmonella anally for sure. It's raw. You got to tell your doctor.

Fucking A. What happened? Well, have a seat. Let's start from the beginning. When I was a boy, first time I started getting hard-ons, I sat on a cheeseburger. Do you think these guys exist? If I shove solid food up my butt, would I gain any nutrition from it? First of all, here's the thing.

He's answered by Andrew Lee, doctor of acupuncture. Hey, fuckface, you didn't go to medical school. Stop calling yourself a doctor. Doctor of acupuncture is so weird. It's like I'm a doctor of comedy. You know what I mean? Right. You practice acupuncture.

You're not a doctor. They don't go to medical school did you know that i didn't know that doctors are doctors a doctor goes to a medical school it's hard you have to study you have to do your residency you have to get your fucking degree at a medical school not chiropractors they call themselves doctors yeah but they don't go to medical school at Not chiropractors. They call themselves doctors. Yeah. But they don't go to medical school at all. Right. At all. And they can fuck you up.

They do those cracks on your neck. Pull that up so we can read that. So, answer is, things can be absorbed through the membrane. Through membrane. What? See, this is how. It's not really an answer. I was just showing you that people

have asked this no i'm saying but listen the way he writes the answer this is how a chiropractor writes it versus a real doctor things that can be absorbed through membrane will bypass the liver when taken through the anus through membrane will bypass the liver through a membrane okay for example various drugs can be taken as through the anus in order to be easier on the liver this is how chiropractors write yeah see see how he's writing this is not a guy who went to medical school no as the liver no longer needs to filter the drug which makes the drug half as potent and is also hard on the liver. This guy's Asian. How do you know that?

What's his name? Andrew Lee. Yeah. How dare you? I did not know his name when I said he's Asian. I didn't know. I didn't know, by the way he was writing. Alcohol can cross the cell membrane and thus absorbs very easily into the human body.

Oh, how about this? into the human body. Oh, how about this? My friend, his wife is a school teacher in Utah and they have a problem in middle school because kids are taking tampons and they're soaking them in rubbing alcohol and stuffing them up their assholes

and they're getting high. Really? Yes. Wow. One kid found out about it and a bunch of other kids did it And so they had a problem in their fucking school Where kids were putting tampons

Dipping them In rubbing alcohol And stuffing them up their butt Shout out to my friend Huey And by the way I don't know how many millions of listeners you have How many people are now going to do that? A lot 40

40 people That's been going on for a while Yeah, apparently I didn't know about it until three weeks ago I bet it feels good Nice and cool Define feels good Tingle a little bit

What if you got a hemorrhoid though? Yikes! I'm sure people like that. I'm sure there's people that cut themselves and pour alcohol on it just to feel a sting. I'm a piece of shit! Cut! The definition of a drunk asshole.

Don't be a drunk asshole. Don't be a drunk asshole. Especially when you're 12. Right, right. You're fucking middle school. They're fucking Mormons probably, so they're so desperate. That's a good point. Maybe. Yeah, we're talking Utah.

Remember Kitty Dukakis? Yeah. She was sober. She was drinking aftershave, right? Wasn't it? Aftershave, isopropyl. Yeah. That sunk his prep.

Well, he kind of was on the way out anyway. It was that and when he sat on a tank with a helmet on. Yeah, that was. And people are like, what? Are you a soldier? Are you in war? Why do you have a helmet? Yeah.

We're not even at war, you piece of shit. Right, right. Mike Dukakis. Remember him? He was like, who did he run against? of a helmet yeah we're not even at war you piece of shit right right mike dukakis remember him he was like who did he run against i want to say bush seniors was it yeah yeah yeah i think that was a landslide yeah people weren't down with that it's interesting how some things sink some people like that howard dover guy has got to be so fucking confused that Donald Trump got away with that grabbing by the pussy thing when all he did was scream. Remember that guy?

Oh, yeah. Dean. We're going to Arkansas. Then we're going to Detroit. Yeah, yeah. There he is. I know. Mike Dukakis.

It sunk him. Sunk him. Fuck. Look, he had his helmet with a fucking sticker on it. That probably sunk him, too. Why don't you say, oh, Mike Dukakis on your helmet, bro. Are you going to go fight for our country? Get out of here, son.

Look at him now. See the picture of him now. Hammered. Yeah. Look at him. He's probably like, how's the president? Go to the one picture above that with the red face. Look at that.

How's the fucking president? That guy is like, if we did a gig for Dick Daugherty in New Hampshire, if you would, that guy would like if we did a gig for dick doherty in new hampshire yeah if you would that guy would be at the bar hey you fucking guys it was funny but you know i was almost president i was almost president my wife my fucking wife she's a drinking rubber knuckle hon this is the aftershave you know aftershave fucking this is aqua. My fucking wife's drinking aqua velvet. Fucking sunk me. Bitch sunk me.

You have a thick head of hair, though. Yeah. Oof. Was he the governor? I believe he was. Yeah, he was the governor. I believe he was the governor of Massachusetts. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. Who's the governor of Massachusetts now? Weld? Is it Weld? Or maybe it was a while ago. He's a Republican, right? Yeah.

That's unusual, right? We've had a couple of Massachusetts Republicans, like Fuckface, the Mormon. What's his name? Romney? Yeah. Mitt Romney. Fuckface. Charlie Baker, Republican.

He's a Republican, too. That's interesting. That is interesting. Well, you were talking about Texas and Austin. Yeah. And Massachusetts is a Republican too. That's interesting. That is interesting. Well, you were talking about Texas and Austin. Yeah. And Massachusetts is a Republican state. Boston is a Democratic city. But it's such a big part of the state that it's like what Austin is to Texas.

And also like Minneapolis to Minnesota. Yeah, I guess so, huh? Like where would you think the Republicans are in Massachusetts? Everywhere outside of Boston? Well, I think it's a lot of defense contracts. There's a lot of defense money there. Boston Dynamics, right? I got tricked.

They tricked me. They did? I posted one video. It's Boss Town Dynamics. They wrote B-O-S-S-T-O-N Dynamics, and it was a video of robots shooting guns, and they're kicking the robots, and it's hitting these targets perfectly robots shooting guns and they're kicking the robots and it's hitting these targets perfectly every time i'm like oh my god we're fucked but the thing is it's not that far removed from what the boston dynamics robots already do those fucking

robots already doing backflips yeah do backflips yeah they do like parkour they run and jump off things hang on things and then this one was a fake video, though. Was it CGI, I think? Yeah, those guys, that's what they do on their YouTube channel. How do you trust anything anymore? Jesus Christ. Well, we're pretty close to not being able to trust anything anymore. Yeah.

Because with those deep fake generators where they could take you, like they've already done videos with me where they have audio of me saying shit that I would say. Right. Like a bunch of shit that I would say, but I never said it. Uh-huh. About like chimp armies and all these different things. Yeah. Yeah, there's a whole website dedicated to that. It's just weird, man.

Yeah. And it's going to get weirder and weirder with the stuff that they can do with your, you've seen Kyle. Donegan. Kyle Donegan's fucking page. Yeah, they're crazy. Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, my God.

And his... The stuff that he does that's my favorite, that's really, really funny, is the stuff that looks fake. It's like he does the face swap shit from the Instagram filters or Snapchat or whatever it is. But he did a bunch of stuff because he was doing a pilot for Comedy Central, and thank God they're too fucking stupid to pick it up because they would have ruined it because he was showing me one that they wouldn't do it was uh caitlin jenner having sex with trump he was showing it

to me i was crying i was in the green room crying he goes yeah comedy central said no to that one what yeah like what they're like no it was too edgy yeah they wouldn't get involved in anything trans yeah yeah right right like come on that's why i was shocked that on the roast that that They're like, no, it was too edgy. They wouldn't get involved in anything trans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right. Like, come on. That's why I was shocked on the roast that she came out and said the shit that she did. That was like, excuse the pun, but that was ballsy. What did she say? I think she still has her balls.

She said. She said she still has her dick, too. Oh, really? Yeah. What did she say? She came out and said. I love that expression. She has her dick. Welcome to 2019.

Yeah. But Dunnigan, I did a show with him on Saturday night, and he came out on stage, and he put a laptop in front of his face, and there was a big screen, and he was doing the characters for the crowd that he usually does as Instagram posts. Oh, yeah. I've heard he does that. Yeah, it was great. How does he do that

he just has the video plays um i guess the computer is videotaping him and sending it i know it ran through the house through something in the house system because it was a fuck up it got fucked up oh but it still worked because he was we were doing a gig at the store on a Friday night, and he was supposed to be on right before me, but they were like, actually, let's have Kyle go on after you because apparently his whole thing needs a big setup. Confirms gender reassignment study. What?

She confirms gender reassignment. Hold on. Put that back up. It says, Caitlyn Jenner confirms gender reassignment surgery in 2020 interview. Okay. But the problem is, she just did an interview recently. She said she still has it. What is gender reassignment surgery?

They fucking wave a wand over you like they knight you? I hereby announce you have a vagina. I have a vagina? Yes. All right. You you have a vagina i have a vagina yes all right you now have a vagina okay i mean look and they're tapping you on the head with your penis if you're clearly a man and you could just say you're a woman why can't you say you have a vagina we're gonna play make-believe let's just play make-believe all the way yeah fuck it yeah because look my friend zoobie he was a guest on the podcast. He claimed he was a woman for a day and broke the women's world record in deadlift.

What did he have to do to qualify as a woman? You don't have to do anything. You just say it. He can identify as a woman. Yeah. I mean, who are you to say that he didn't identify as a woman, you fucking transphobic piece of shit? I know. I feel bad now. You should.

Jesus Christ, Greg. All these years we've known each other, I can't believe I didn't know that you had this in you. This was my childhood. I think you're cancelled. I'm cancelled. I wish I was big enough to get cancelled. I gotta get a little bit more famous. And then it can happen. Yeah. I'm more like

Me Who. That's like a Tony hinchcliffe joke that was such a pun oh god no i think uh pull up i think that caitlyn jenner still has his dick her dick was there a fight with a guy that uh that became a woman and then beat the shit out of a woman um you mean mma i don't know if it was boxing or there was an mma yeah there was Did you ever fight with a guy that became a woman and then beat the shit out of a woman? You mean MMA? I don't know if it was boxing or MMA. Yeah, there was an MMA. Yeah, she had a few fights. The problem was not that she had the fights, which I would never advise anybody to fight someone who used to be a man.

I would say, ooh, probably got a lot of physical advantages. That's not going to show up in the weight class. Just because you're both 135 pounds, there's a a fucking difference i don't give a shit what anybody says there's a reason why this woman world champion cyclist is breaking records so women deadlift these these women weightlifters who used to be men are breaking records like by giant numbers i mean giant numbers in powerlifting and all they have to do is just say they used to be a man and now i'm a woman this is it oh she's a woman you're a piece of shit if you say anything different um there's just but this one was fighting her name's fallon fox and she

was fighting as a woman even though she'd been a man for 30 plus years and in fact even had kids at a kid and then just transitioned became a woman didn't tell anybody said it was a medical issue it's none of your business and then beat the fuck out of two women and like beat them like domestic violence like you watch it you're like what yeah then she came out and then it was like this big hubbub i got caught up in it because i said it was nonsense i said it was i said it was worse than nonsense. I was like, it's bullshit. It's 100% bullshit. And I've never, never been attacked harder. Oh, I shouldn't have brought it up.

I didn't realize. No, I don't care. It's fine. Look, that's a hill I'll die on. Yeah. That's a hill I'll die on. You guys are out of your fucking mind. I think you're out of your mind with track and field.

I think you're out of your mind with weightlifting. You're out of your mind with all those things. But if it comes to fighting, fuck you. Fuck you. You think a man and a woman are the same thing. You are out of your goddamned mind if you think all you have to do is get a little bit of surgery, take some hormones, and you're a woman now and you should be able to fight women. Imagine if that's your daughter and your daughter is getting pummeled by someone who used to be a man. Fuck you. crazy yeah it's crazy well it's unfair to the female athletes you know women they're real women real women are getting fucked real

women are training their whole fucking lives you know what they're what they're sacrificing to be the best woman out there and then to compete about somebody who's got testosterone that just puts them at a whole different level physically well here, here's the deal. I know it lowers the testosterone, but it's still there. It doesn't. No, it lowers it significantly. But the gains that they've had through growing up through puberty with testosterone and being an XY chromosome, having the bone structure of a man, those are undeniable.

And they're undeniable by the world records that these trans women are winning. They're beating men. I mean, they're beating women, biological women, by giant numbers. Someone sent me this. The states that allow people in college and in high school to compete as the gender that they identify with. Without surgery or drugs you don't even have to, you don't even have to have surgery in a lot of these places

they are dominating dominating it's dominant trans people, trans people are winning these things trans, always, always male to female, never, female to male female to male aren't it's not like no chicks are like saying identify identify as a man let me get in the nba and fucking posting up at 40 against lebron

that's not happening it's not it doesn't go down that way what goes down is men who want to be a woman become a woman and then want to compete against biological women and in every single case the biological women are getting fucked over because if woman, say if a woman was 30 years old, and she decided at 30 years old, she was going to start taking hormones and become a man and compete against men, she'd be fucked. But if a man does that, he's got the benefit of having testosterone in his system for 30 years, and then transition and becomes a woman. And there's no denying there's a gigantic advantage. If a woman was going to compete, like say if she's going to compete in track and field,

and she's 30 years old, but for all of her life she's been taking steroids. Her whole life she's been taking just steroids. Get a man jaw and a thick neck and fucking shoulders. And then she gets off of it. Just gets off of it for a couple years and competes against women, just throwing them around and ragged on them. People will be like, she's a cheater.

She cheated. She took steroids for 30 years. Just because she's not taking them now doesn't mean she's not a cheater. Well, that's what's happening. But it's worse because of the bone structure and because it's a natural testosterone you're you're fucking puberty you're going through puberty with testosterone it's crazy yeah it's crazy it's fucking crazy and it's almost even crazier if you didn't go through puberty so how about if you're a trans person and someone decided

when you're five or six years old that you're trans and so now like what you someone's transitioning you before i mean somebody had a great joke about that like you don't let a five-year-old pick their outfit why would you let them pick their gender like you you can't let a kid say what they are and what they aren't kids are a a giant part of what a kid is is you're so easily influenced by your environment right so easily influenced it's so easy to convince a kid is is you're so easily influenced by your environment right so easily influenced it's so easy to convince a kid one way or the other and you don't know what's happening right in their home and you're asking this child to make a decision about their biology you're talking about in terms of starting to take take drugs yeah i mean the idea of doing that to a little kid

to me is fucking bananas doesn't make any sense sense. We're in this weird fantasy world right now where people want to be so progressive and they want to be so open-minded and they don't want to be transphobic. So we're letting people say and do absolutely preposterous things that don't have any logic, that don't make any sense

in terms of what we know about biology. It doesn't make any sense. And particularly when it comes to sports, particularly. When it comes to your life, you're a grown adult. I don't care. I'm happy for you. If you live better as a woman, you feel better as a woman, you're a woman to me. Congratulations.

I don't care. But you're competing against men. You can go fuck, or competing as women rather, you can go fuck yourself. You're not a woman in the sense of you don't have XX chromosome. You didn't grow up as a woman. You're not a biological woman. If you want to be treated as a woman, that's fine. But you can't just decide you're a woman and now you're going to break world records in fucking deadlifts.

And you're going to run faster than any woman that's ever lived. You're going to beat them in bike races. You're going to break world records as a trans woman. You're crazy. What happens to all these regular women that didn't get the advantage of growing up through puberty with testosterone? They're getting fucked over.

That's the reason why we have men and women's divisions in the first place. And there's this weird cop-out that, well, there's always, it's not fair in some sports because there's LeBron James. I hate to use LeBron again. There's Mike Tyson. cop-out that well there's always it's not fair in some sports because there's lebron james i hate to use lebron again you know there's mike tyson there's these there's these outliers who these freak physical specimens yeah yeah there are but they're men versus men there's freak physical

specimens in men but when you go so far so far over that when you when you take a biological male and they're just breaking world records as a woman you got to go come on we're entering into this complete nonsense area yeah well this is just progressive thinking this ideology taking to the extreme yeah yeah and i mean i don't know what the answer is because the women if they do start taking testosterone, then they obviously can't compete against women legally any longer. No. So they're sort of in limbo. I don't know if there needs to be a third category of athletics.

The trans category, that's the perfect answer. Yeah. That's the perfect answer. I don't think even if the women take steroids, if it would be fair. I don't even know if that would be fair because they're still not going through puberty. Like, you would have to, I mean, first of all, there's not a lot of data on this. There's not a lot of data in terms of, like, years and years of competition

where they've studied athletes that have been trans versus athletes that have been biologically female versus athletes that are biologically male. I don't think there's a lot of studying on this this is people going with the current thinking and the current progressive ideology where they don't want to be criticized they don't want to be called transphobic they don't want to have articles written about them or people call them terrible names and talk shit about them and it's such a small percentage of the population and it's become an issue

that is being identified for political reasons. It's something that is... Like my kid is at college now and every class, you have to say your name, what gender you identify as, and what pronoun you want to be referred to as. Do you know how many fucking people this is affecting?

Is there five in the school? If that. If that. I believe the current number of people that are trans in this country is somewhere around 1%. Is that what the number is? Do we even know? Let's find out.

I'm fine with all of it up until it comes to sports. I mean, if you want to identify with they them you know you want to be a they person no i might fuck up occasionally because it's odd yeah i might make mistakes but if you want to be called caitlin okay hi caitlin i don't care i don't care right but with sports you can fuck all the way off 0.6 okay that's hilarious it's not even one half of a basically half of a percent and elizabeth warren she's getting shit because she was uh she was supporting trans prisoners having the right to have corrective surgery in jail and of course people had a field day with like the amount of money that that would cost and it's like she should just say pass what's your opinion on that elizabeth let me talk about the economy let me talk about health care yeah

that's not a good one but that's one that I guarantee if you sat down and talked to her about it, this is an ideologically based opinion. She's probably looked at her demographic, which is progressive, left wing. She's a woman. She's running for president. And a big part of her being a candidate is the fact that we would like to have a woman president, particularly people on the left. They fucked up with Hillary Clinton. It didn't go well. Maybe Elizabeth Warren'sren's our gal yeah right she seems to talk well she's strong experience yeah maybe she's the one maybe she's the one well well she's got to support that because

you want the whole democratic party otherwise someone will fucking snatch up those people in an independent category a green category yeah like fuck it i'm voting for jill stein because she's a piece of shit or uh elizabeth warren's a piece of shit and she won't she doesn't address trans rights yeah there was a lot of third party voters in the last election they swung the election i was one of them jill stein gary johnson no he did my podcast oh no shit yeah so i said i'll vote for you what was his deal well uh he didn't know government guy anything about that he was sunk because he didn't know what where aleppo was oh i remember that guy yeah yeah like people were considering him fairly seriously uh-huh hmm maybe i'm serious about gary johnson he seems fairly reasonable what we could use a reasonable

guy and they asked him, what do you think we do about Aleppo? He's like, what? Fucks Aleppo? Yeah, that's right. It's a city where a lot of bad shit's happening right now, bro. But did Trump know where Aleppo was? He doesn't have to.

He doesn't have to. They could say, what are you going to do about aleppo he'd probably go where's aleppo syria oh well that place is a mess yeah and we're done with that i think we're done with that i think we canceled them so aleppo's in syria right is that where it is i think that's what it is yeah it was almost like a trick question yeah you know because who the fuck yeah he didn't know but who does yeah who did i got all the people like this fucking idiot doesn't even know where aleppo is i didn't know where aleppo was yeah i didn't know the question either yeah obviously i'm not running for president well we're kind of hoping that that that person knows the shit we don't know

or they tell him when he gets in there but that's the scary thing about Trump is that other leaders will have advisors around them that they trust that tell them stuff. But Trump doesn't seem to read the He's not interested in that. He's not interested in that. No. They booed the fuck out of him at the UFC. Oh, were you there?

Yeah. Oh, because I heard from one camp that they cheered and from another camp that they, his son said they cheered for him. Listen to daddy. I took my fucking headphones off just to listen. And it was... Really? Yeah, man.

18,000 people going... Damn. His son said they were chanting USA. Maybe four people behind him were chanting USA. The rest were saying boo-SA. Is that what Donald Jr. said? Yes, Donald Jr. was very upset. You'd probably say that, too.

Look, they booed the fuck out of him. Yeah. I'm sure some people clapped. Yeah. I'm sure. But if you had to bet your money on it, like, what was the greater percentage? Was it boos or claps? It was fucking boos. Yeah. Dude, I took my headphones off. Uh-huh. I was it boos or claps it was fucking boos yeah dude i

took my headphones off i was right there yeah i was 50 i could hit him with a rock he was right over there yeah boo yeah i'm surprised he showed up after what happened at the world series the same fucking thing happened a week before um but maybe he figured because it was dc it was because it's so liberal in dc he probably figured because it was at.C., it was because it's so liberal in D.C. He probably figured because it was at the fights. Yeah. He was at cage fights. I mean, also, he's friends with Dana White. They're good friends, apparently.

There's a picture on Dana's Instagram of him and Donald sitting in front of the television watching fights. They're watching the prelims before he went out. Dana watches some of the card in his green room, listens to the commentary, and wants to see. Because there's a lot of moving pieces involved in being the president of the United States and also the president of the UFC. A lot of moving pieces. You don't have a lot of time to sit through the entire pay-per-view while you're there. So Dana sits in the back, and he watches a lot of the pay-per-view card um on the screen in his in his office or in his uh green room so he was back there with donald sitting on the couch and he put it on his instagram just watching some fights it's just him and trump sitting there that's hilarious yeah look at that wow it was watching my friend cory anderson

damn knock out johnny walker so look at that watching fights like what you think dana dana I was watching my friend Corey Anderson. Damn. Knock out Johnny Walker. So look at that, watching fights. Like, what? You think Dana White's been to Fuck Island? Look at this kid, Khabib. Ask him, where did my father's visa? Send location. Yeah, his father can't get a visa.

Yeah, ask Donald, bro. Come on. Good for Khabib. Khabib got 46,000 likes on that. Walking to Madison Square Garden last night with Dana White for the big UFC championship fight was a little bit like walking to a Trump rally. Plenty of MAGA and KAG present. What is KAG?

Keep America Great. Oh. Mmm. Okay. Great energy. Fantastic job, Dana. Headed to D.C. and then to Kentucky for the big Matt Bevin rally. Okay. Well, look. Fored to D.C. and then to Kentucky for the big Matt Bevin rally. Okay. Well, look, for sure some people cheered.

For sure. For sure. For sure some people waved at him. I saw him wave at people. Look, some people were psyched to see him. Look, if I was in the crowd and I was hammered and he was there, I'd be like, what's up, bro? I'd yell at him. I'd say hi.

I'd wave at him. But the reaction, like when he walked in, there's a lot of boos yeah but that's just fucking gonna happen man he's a controversial character you know like anywhere he goes you're gonna get it it's fun to boo yeah it's fun to go fuck you it's fun you're gonna do something when you see somebody you're either gonna cheer or you're gonna boo yeah i mean you got Secret Service all around them. There was a lot of noise, man. A lot of noise. But a lot of it was,

Yeah. But it wasn't like, fuck Trump, fuck Trump. There was no chant. This place is where he can't go, right? Like, if he went to an LBGT rally, I would guarantee. Yeah. That's a place where he can't go, right? Like, if he went to an LBGT rally, I would guarantee that's a place where he can't go. Right. Even if he's pro-LBGT with his policy, that's a place where they're going to pretty universally hate him. Yeah.

Like, where would you say he can't go? Where wouldn't be a good move? I think any kind of a woman's movement, like a... Oh, yeah. Me Too marches. Yeah, what if he addressed, like, when they have those women marches where they're all wearing the pussy hats and walking down the street? And they have a little speaker.

They have speakers. And he has a fucking... He puts up... They set up a stage, and he comes out to address them. Instead of grabbing everybody's hat, grab them by the pussy hat. What... What... What would possess someone to want that job i mean look if you wanted

to have the the best case scenario answer it's like i want to do a good job and make this country great and do better and but what do you think really it's ego i was watching andrew yang on some morning talk show on Sunday, and he's walking down the street with his wife, and it's a Sunday. He's got his fucking kids, and I'm like, this is your Sunday? He's got followers with his name on his name. Imagine strangers with Fitzsimmons on a placard walking behind you, cheering on a Sunday.

I want to be home. I want to watch a fucking football game, play with my kid, make a meal. But these people every day, they're working 16-hour days where they're saying the same shit and they're saying we're winning. They always say we. No, just say I am.

Be as fucking selfish as you really are. I'm winning. More people are liking me than those other people. It's a bad job. It's a bad job. It's a bad job that no one should have. It's a job that should be a giant roundtable of geniuses should be deciding the fate of the country. Yeah. And they all should be on mushrooms.

They all should be on ego-dissolving doses of mushrooms so that none of them are acting in their own self-interest. dissolving doses of mushrooms so that none of them are acting in their own self-interest. They all should have zero financial investments in anything that has anything to do with any decisions that they make. Like, they should have to give up all their stocks. They should have to absolutely make sure. Like, Trump is able to have all his businesses be run by his kids, which is kind of hilarious. Yeah. But then he makes decisions that would benefit his businesses that are being run by his kids which is kind of hilarious yeah but then he makes decisions that would benefit his businesses that are being run by his kids and as soon as he's out of office he jumps back in and takes over again which is like yeah it's what do you think is going to

happen when they get his taxes because they're pretty close they're pretty close it's going to go to the supreme court now the uh the last court said that he has to turn them over and what they're doing is they're going after his accountant instead of him. That way the accountant will be liable as opposed to him personally because he's never going to do it. But if you're fucking Harvey Altman and company. Yeah, you have to. You got to do it. You're not going to go to jail for him.

Right. You saw what happened with Michael Cohen. Right. You go to jail. Yeah. Yeah. There's no pardons. You're going to jail. A bunch of them went to jail. Yeah. You saw what happened with Michael Cohen. Right. You go to jail. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's no pardons.

You're going to jail. A bunch of them went to jail. Yeah. Quite a few people are in jail. Manafort. Manafort. Jail. Real jail.

Yep. Like you can't see anybody. Locked in a cell jail. It's not going to matter. When his taxes come out, it's not going to matter. None of it matters. He's got his file. The only thing this election comes down to is whether or not the left can get people to show up because his 46 percent or whatever percent are into him they're fucking there on november 4th next year they're showing up you know what's crazy chris

rock went on stage right after he won and chris rock said you don't know that motherfucker he goes let me tell you something. He ain't leaving. He goes, he's going to be the president for a long fucking time. He ain't going to leave. And I was thinking, like, what does that mean? Like, you have to leave. Yeah. Like, if he loses, you imagine if he loses and he doesn't believe he lost?

Well, he's already said he won't believe it. He's already said that there's going to be a revolution. He's, yeah, he's laying the groundwork for, could be ugly, including the impeachment, which would be even worse than him just not getting elected. If he was impeached, can you imagine what would happen? I don't think he's going to get impeached. If he was, he's being impeached. elected. If he was impeached, can you imagine what would happen? I don't think he's going to get impeached. Not impeached.

He's being impeached if he was convicted. If he's convicted and then removed from office, it would be crazy. Yeah. But I don't think that's going to happen. I think someone explained to me. Was it Kyle Dunnigan explained to me? How many people? What's that?

No, not Kyle. Kyle Dunnigan didn't explain it. You might have tried. Kyle Kalinsky. Sorry, Kyle. Kyle Kalinsky, who's my favorite online political commentator. Very wise guy. He's a left-wing guy, but he calls it like he sees it.

He's very educated and very aware of all the pitfalls that is plaguing the left and the right. And he said that you would need all these Republicans to vote on it in order for him to actually be impeached. And they're not going to. They're no. There's like 22 Republican senators that would have to flip. Yeah. And so far they have zero. They're not going to flip.

No, of course they're not. They're more interested in their party than they are in anything else. Yeah. You have to. The Republicans, they have to stick together they especially in this time where you know look with their i'm not a republican but if i was i would be extremely concerned about censorship and social media which is a real thing censorship of republican ideas and conservative ideas is absolutely a real thing and is it's it's not

just real it's accepted as being the right thing to do by certain organizations i mean they've been caught on camera and hidden camera talking about the ways that you can silence conservative voices you know this is not like so these when you look at social media platforms they're essentially the best way to get ideas out there. It's even better than broadcast news. Because if you put something on Fox or CBS or whatever, how many people are really going to watch it? Is it 1,000? A million?

I mean, how many people watch it? If you have a clip that goes viral, that clip on YouTube or Twitter or Facebook, wherever, that could get 30 million people, 40 million people, way fucking more than is ever going to watch you on television. And they've kind of accepted that on late night television. Like, late night television has kind of accepted that what they're looking for is these clips, these moments, these clips that almost act as advertisements for the show. Yeah. You know, where it's James Corden fucking making people sing in this car, that kind of shit.

They're trying to get these clips that go viral because the show itself, I mean, I don't know how many people are watching, a few hundred thousand at the most, right? It's nothing in comparison to a lot of the, like, what's that guy's name that's the famous makeup kid? He's a gay fellow? James Charles. James Charles. That guy's videos on makeup get way more fucking views than anything that happens on Fox News. And that's a fact. Yeah.

Anything that happens on MSNBC. And that's a fact. Okay? Social media is way more potent than anything else when it comes to getting a message out. And for sure, conservatives are being discriminated against on social media, by social media platforms. Well, what's weird about it is that when you think about social media and coming out of Silicon Valley, which is famously left-wing,

the election was really swung by the internet in Trump's favor. Whether or not you want to call them bots that were set up by Russia or whether or not it was just, they were a well-organized campaign. They just, they were really smart and very sharp about videos that they put out. They have a thing now where they put out a lot of memes that they encourage people to make memes about. They're all over, Democrats are so far behind the Republicans when it comes to using it. But you're right. I mean, if you ban certain people from Twitter and from YouTube, that's censorship.

Yes, it is censorship. And even if you're not banning them from those platforms, if you're shadow banning them, if you're making it very difficult for people to find them, which is real. It's a real thing that they do. They, you know, the way your post, like if you have a post on social media, it doesn't just go up in chronological order anymore. Now it's affected by an algorithm. So I might see your posts or I might not see your posts in my feed. It's dependent upon what I like and what i watch and what i see when i go

to search like if you look at my search feed you know you see you see people beating the fuck out of each other and girls doing squats that's like my my search it's all like uh like it's it's the most cartoonish version of me possible yeah it's all like big bull elk screaming and dudes getting head kicked and a muscle car doing a burnout. That's my fucking, that's all. You can look at my Instagram search and that's all affected entirely by this algorithm that figures out what I like. Yeah.

And then also recommends things to me. Like in terms of like, there's a lot of sponsored things on Instagram. Like, Ooh, I could use that. Is that good? I don't have to Google it. Is that fucking good? And it's because it's, it's targeting me of sponsored things on Instagram. Like, ooh, I could use that. Is that good? I don't have to Google it. Is that fucking good? And it's because it's targeting me. It's found me.

It knows that I search for certain things. I look at certain things. These are the sites that I follow. These are the things that I interact with. So let's sell them something. And it does the same with you. It does the same with Jamie. It does the same with everybody.

So they can, in certain social media platforms, use that algorithm to discriminate so they can decide, hey, this fucking guy keeps chirping on and on about Hillary Clinton's war crimes and all this. We don't need this guy around, OK? We don't need this guy and all of his fucking right-wing bullshit and all his Make America Great Again bullshit. So we'll shadow ban him. And so they can shove you into this category where it's very difficult to find your page. And it's very difficult for your shit to show up. And a lot of people have seen their views drop drastically.

Their interactions drop drastically. It's because people aren't seeing their shit anymore. Andrew Santino had that happen to him. No shit. He talked to someone talked to someone on the phone that told him he was shadow banned and he was like what does that mean they're like well it was it's because of a post that you made he goes well what post is it they wouldn't tell him what post it was what kind of post would it have been is he political no he's like i'm not political at all but you know he's a comic and he says ridiculous shit yeah and he's a redhead and so people probably like you know look at this guy this super white looking guy who says a bunch of ridiculous shit get rid

of him yeah off of his head yeah no i had this guy weird fella i think is his handle on twitter and he used to he used to say stupid shit. He was goofy, whatever. I would interact with him a little bit. And then he emailed me at my site to say that he got banned from Twitter. Remember on Halloween when a kid showed up at the White House and Trump and Melani were standing there and Trump put candy on top of the kid's head instead of handing it to him? It was like a really ridiculous, like,

this guy can't even just put candy in the fucking kid's bag. He's got to put it on his head. So it was like something that became a meme. And this guy just wrote, I wish the kid had kicked him in the shins. Thrown off Twitter for saying that. Hmm. It was a woman named Megan Murphy. She's what's called a TERF.

Do you know what a TERF is? No. Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist. And she is one of those radical feminists that don't believe that a trans person's a woman. And she was arguing that these people don't have, they shouldn't have a voice in women's issues like you're not a woman and so this is her opinion and some people think that that opinion is transphobic

some people think she should be allowed to have that opinion while on twitter she wrote a man is never a woman they told her she has to take down that tweet so you know what she did she made a screenshot of it she took down that tweet and then she posted a picture of the screenshot. And then they banned it for life. Wow. You know who's not banned for life? OJ Simpson. Yeah.

Double homicide. Arm kidnapping. Right. Hey, Twitter world. Yeah. Hey, Twitter world, it's your friend OJ with football picks. Hey, Twitter world. He's fine but this lady who's just

said with her words a man is never a woman which biologically is correct banned wow do you know what else you get banned for damn you know what you else get banned for for life what dead naming do you know what dead naming is if you call caitlin jenner bruce know what dead name is what's that if you call caitlin jenner bruce really man for life no shit yes for life damn ridiculous wow this is the world we're living in this is this political ideology world this is the reason why someone like elizabeth warren thinks she has to say taxpayer money should pay for prisoners some fucking mass murderer who decides he's a woman now to get this transitionary surgery transition surgery yeah reassignment surgery whatever you want to call it look i wish there was a fucking pill that you could take i wish there was a place where you can go

where they zap you like the place where they turn bruce banner into the hulk that turns you into a woman a legit 100 bona fide x y or double chromosome woman. I wish there was. I wish there was. So this is no argument. Yeah. The argument is in changing someone, but not really. You know, like you're still your chromosomes and your biological makeup. And then forcing people to comply.

So it's a thing of compliance. Like you're supposed to not bring up the fact that this person used to be a man. Like if your name is Greg, but like my friend Aubrey, okay, perfect example. His name used to be Chris, but he tripped balls one day and decided he wanted to change his name. So he changed his name. We all just called him Aubrey now. I don't call him Chris anymore. He was Chris for years. I knew him as Chris for years. And then he became Aubrey. I'm like, all right, man, you want to be Aubrey now you're Aubrey I don't give a fuck but if I called him Chris would I be dead naming him

you know what else is weird is that like the same mentality that says this says that a white kid who grows dreadlocks and dresses in urban street wear is culturally appropriating yes many many of the people that would think that yeah including there was a there was a

movement that they had a band i think most people abandoned it but it was really ridiculous for a while where they were yelling at white girls wearing hoop earrings because they were saying that this is a latina thing you're culturally appropriating that but it's not like then if you historically you got to go back to ancient sumerians where they invented hoop earrings so are you from babylon are you are you from mesopotamia no then shut the fuck up because you're culturally appropriating if you do you have a korean phone in your hand yeah guess what that's culturally appropriating are those italian genes culturally appropriating yeah who made your snakers huh china what the fuck are we talking about culturally appropriating is one of the dumbest fucking things because that's what cities

are they're melting pots of awesome cultures and they all get together just if you're a fucking dude and you want to dress up like bruce, that doesn't mean you're culturally appropriating. It means you're a Bruce Lee fan, and it's kind of cool. You're admiring that, and so you're trying to take it on. It's all woke. It's all woke culture. It's this culture of compliance. They want you to comply.

That's what it's about more than anything. It's getting people to change, getting people to listen to you and do what you want them to do. I want you to stop wearing those fucking earrings. I want you to stop wearing dreadlocks. Meanwhile, dreadlocks, Romans wore fucking dreadlocks. Dreadlocks are not necessarily a black thing, although most black people, like, there was more, rather, black people wearing them than white people. But white people have had dreadlocks forever. It's like you can, we've all seen dirty hippies with dreadlocks.

Yeah. You know, go to a fucking Grateful Dead concert. There's a lot of dirty white people had dreadlocks forever. It's like you can, we've all seen dirty hippies with dreadlocks. Yeah. You know, go to a fucking Grateful Dead concert. There's a lot of dirty white people with dreadlocks. They're not trying to culturally appropriate. They're trying to be dirty hippies with dreadlocks. Yeah. They exist. They're real. To say that that's cultural appropriation is fucking crazy.

We all appropriate. We all do. We all do. If you are in the United states in 2019 you're a part of the the greatest melting pot the world has ever known and to decide that you can have some of that but you can't have other parts like come on man stop good luck on halloween jesus christ i read this list of things you shouldn't do on halloween it was like don't put a feather in your head. Don't put, don't even tattoo. Don't put a tattoo of something that would

identify you as Native American or Asian. Yeah, don't have Asian letters tattooed. That was a thing that people used to do. Oh, is that a thing you shouldn't do now? Yeah, you can't do that anymore. I never was a fan of that to begin with. Obama wrote, yeah, he didn't write, he gave a speech. Oh, I saw that.

It was excellent. It was great. Yeah, it was excellent. He's telling people like, we're that to begin with obama wrote yeah he didn't write he gave a speech oh i saw that excellent it was great yeah it was it was excellent he's telling people like we're looking to cancel people all the time and this is a perfect quote that he said the world is messy and it is messy here's what we got to stop looking for things that make you angry and just try try to let things go and just be nice to each other it's not that hard and dialogue these people want to just talk and have you listen like i i saw a woman coming out of a fucking restaurant the other day and i was walking in and the t-shirt said i do i don't want to hear or men stop talking i don't want to hear from men and it was like i'm sorry did i do something to you have i have i not raised a beautiful daughter and been a loving husband and a great son to my

mother and and a great friend to a lot of women and mentored many female comics that i bring on the road with me and hired when i was head writer on tv shows that i've hired. And it's like, don't fucking put me in that category. How about we talk about it? Do you have an issue with what's going on with you personally involving me? Well, let's talk about it. As a human being, one-on-one, as an individual. But that's the thing. They're denying the individual, and they're making everything binary.

It's you and them. It's us and them. It's one and zero. It's not – there's no room for nuance. Yeah. There's no room for the complexity that is the human race. Yeah. This idea like men should shut the fuck up.

I don't want to hear from white men. That's another one. I've seen that shirt. I don't want to hear from white men. Maybe that's what it was. I don't want to hear from white men. I don't want to shut the fuck up. It's all nonsense.

It comes from people that want compliance. The whole thing about woke culture is people that felt like they've been pushed around. They felt like they've been bullied. They felt like they've been maligned. They haven't been treated fairly. And now they want to turn it on you. And they don't give a fuck.

They don't give a fuck if you're a white man. I don't give a fuck what your opinion is. Shut your fucking mouth. And they feel like they can say that because this culture emboldens people by letting people get away with nonsense, by letting people say things like that. Like if I owned a restaurant and someone walked in with a shirt like that,

I'd be like, get the fuck out of here. Just like if you walked in with a shirt that said black people should shut the fuck up. Get out. Get out. Get out. If you really think that, you have no room for black people talking, get out if you really think that you have no

room for black people talking get i don't want you around your mind is rotten you're thinking a terrible way go cleanse yourself go yeah go take a fucking meditation class or something figure out what's wrong with you but don't don't bring that toxic energy around people it's stupid it's discriminatory well it's half the population and it's like i understand that women have been they've had a different experience than men black people have had a different experience than white people these there's issues that need to be addressed and corrected and enlist me in that yes i'm i'm perfectly willing to don't force you right to comply yeah you know there's an there's a giant there's a giant issue in this

country that is like like skirted it's like it gets addressed but then it gets it gets ignored and that is what do they do with all the communities that have been forever affected by slavery? Like, what about all those, all those, when people talk about reparations, it gets dismissed. Like, it's not you. I didn't do anything. It's not you. It doesn't have to do with you.

You didn't do anything. You never owned a slave. I never owned a slave. We didn't have anything to do with it. But there's no denying that there's parts of this country that are forever affected by slavery and then afterwards by racist laws those red line laws oh yeah reconstruction and jim crow all that yeah okay never really been addressed never been addressed in terms of a correction now in terms of like reparations you give people money i don't know if that works like if if i thought that by me paying more in taxes and them giving reparations we could ease the

tension racial tension in this country i would be like okay that's all you have to do but it's not all you have to do right because you're still going to have these communities that are forever affected until something has been done to correct them like i'm not in favor of giving people who were never slaves money as reparations but i am in favor of giving communities money and figuring out a way to rebuild them figuring out a way to make them safer better schools yeah everything lunches community programs getting people off the streets that are involved in gangs and drugs and all that stuff. Like, I've said this a thousand times, but it bears repeating. The best way to have a great country is if we're a team or if we're a country, we're supposed to be a team, right?

We're a community, a giant community of 320 million people. What's the best way to make it stronger? Well, you have less losers. That's the best way. What's the best way to make it stronger? Well, you have less losers. That's the best way. Well, what's the likelihood of you becoming a loser if you're in an people who did a phenomenal job essentially in a war zone, right? If you live in the south side of Chicago and you look at the murder rate in the south side of Chicago and you compare it to the murder rate in war zones, they're pretty fucking similar, right?

So essentially these people are being asked to do their best and come out of this war zone and pull themselves up by their bootstraps, whereas other people around them are not in a war zone. If we're a community, we're supposed to look at that and go, hey, how the fuck do you stop this thing from being a war zone? How do we stop this? How do we do that with Detroit? How do we do that with Baltimore? How do we do that with all these impoverished areas? That should be addressed. Well, it has to be looked at as our problem, not their problem. Yes. We are all living with the ramifications of inequality. It's affecting us on a daily basis,

whether it's crime or whether it's our gross national product would be much higher if more people were educated and more people were proud of their work and yes and so there's there has to be there has to be pride less less losers more pride more identifying with progress and you know i think if you if you if you live in a certain culture in this country there there isn't a pride in succeeding right there because you haven't seen it right more opportunity and this includes poor white cultures. Like I have a friend who's from Kentucky and he tells me about these fucking people that live in these coal mining communities where the coal mining community, the coal's gone and the community shut down. People are hooked on pills. And he's like, you have never seen poverty like this.

He's like, you've never seen it. We're like everyone in the community's on pills everyone is surviving on like below minimum wage everyone's a criminal like it's just everyone's poor it's just horrific did you ever see the wild and wonderful whites of west virginia now holy shit i think it's a johnny knoxville documentary did he put it together it's amazing it's amazing for all the wrong reasons because these are the trashiest white trash people that have ever lived and they're all on pills they're all turning tricks and doing crazy shit and and robbing people and shooting

people and it's like everyone has a fucking story that's like you're like macaulay culkin from home alone like what yeah putting your hands in your ears like what the fuck but those communities exist they exist they and it's so hard to get out it's so hard to break free like we as a community as a giant 320 million person community should be concentrating on fixing those spots at least as much as we're concentrating on fixing problems in other parts of the world yeah i understand the logic behind going to these other parts of the world that are fucked up and trying to solve these problems before they affect us before they come back to us that's the logic i get it but internally inside of our country we're not doing the same thing we're allowing people to become violent criminals by never giving them a chance,

by never giving them an outcome, or never giving them possibilities other than what they see around them. Not giving them any opportunities. And we treat it as if we're all supposed to be even. We're all supposed to be on this even game. No, some people got one shitty card, and some people got like five aces. Yeah, there's this documentary they made about a public school in Chicago. I forget what Oak Park I think it was in. It was called America is Me.

And it was like this 10-part series and it showed the experiences of the white kids versus the black kids because it was an integrated school. But you were seeing that the black kids were lagging grade-wise graduation rates and they just went in depth and you saw that a lot of the black kids were dealing with single parents they were dealing with being fucking evicted some of them being homeless or just not having the resources like you know the white kids are getting sat prep classes and you know they're getting extra help because they've got a parent that's not working that can pick them up from school and drive them to a tutor and there's just all these things that you're seeing one side is getting fostered and the other side is struggling and it's the same fucking school so it's not it's not as simple as just put good schools in the community but there's got to be um mentorship

programs and there's got to be community outreach programs and there's got to be community outreach program community outreach has got to be they got to get preschools they got to get kids in there at a young age so the parents can work and there's good nutrition that they say that the studies that show preschool the differences long term of how people come out of there with those extra two years is astronomical makes sense makes sense You prep them for it early. But the thing is, this is where a concept like democratic socialism actually makes sense. It's like people think of democratic socialism or anything where you say the word socialism, they go, oh, you're going to take money and give it to lazy people.

That's the worst case scenario, right? that's the worst case scenario right but man if we're a community if we're if we are a community of human beings you gotta we've gotta help the people that aren't doing good there's got to be a reason why they're not doing good it's not that they're inferior there's they they have inferior choices they have inferior opportunities they have an inferior. And it's so hard to get the mass of people behind giving their money to some sort of a program that does take steps to fix this. You just don't hear it. Well, you know, they had the jobs for FDR and the New Deal. They were able to start. People want to work.

People don't want to get a welfare check. They want dignity. They want to feel good about themselves. And you want to be busy all day. Sometimes I don't work for a month. I'm between writing jobs. Maybe I take some time off from stand-up. I don't feel good about myself.

Terrible. I mean, imagine that times year after year and generation after generation and for you it's a choice like if you wanted to go on the road anytime yeah but that's not a choice for a lot of people for a lot of choice they're just fucked and you used to have the the the funny thing is like the factory jobs you look back on them and you go those are like really shitty jobs you know i grew up in a factory town and it was like people were not enjoying it. People were getting fucking drunk and high and just getting through. And now we're looking – we're hearkening back to like that it was like some golden age of great work. Like, no, they were union jobs, which was great, but let's shoot higher.

Let's – the factory jobs aren't coming back. But the real question is like some people, some people don't have aspirations. So if you took someone who's already gone through the school system and, oh, we're going to get jobs for people, that's not good enough. You've got to fix the people that are fucked up. You can't say, like, an 18- 18 year old person is not a finished product right a 25 year old person who came from a fucked up neighborhood and has got all sorts of mental problems and probably ptsd that's not a finished product yeah you can't say we got a job for you well because they're fucked in the head you know they've had to deal with their friend getting shot they have

to deal with their mom being on crack like getting them a job is not not enough i don't know what the answer is like obviously we're just two white guys talking shit yeah right we we don't have to worry about this this is not our concern but if you wanted to if you wanted to fix if you were a person like say if greg fitzsimmons became president how do you fix that how do you how do you even make steps to fix that because i haven't heard anyone come up with a plan maybe there is one that i haven't heard but a plan where it makes sense where there's a long-term proposition to try to take these communities that are just habitually engulfed in crime and violence just consistently like throughout the 60s and the 70s, and fix it.

And turn it around. Like, at least try. Well, there's a gap. The gap between the rich and the poor is growing. Ever since the 80s, it's gotten just out of hand. You know, the amount, the top 1% have 50% of the money or something like that. And it's just, and everything is set up structurally for that to continue to divide more and more right but are they playing a game right they're playing a game called capitalism and that game they're dominating that game and once they get

the money then they keep the money and they pass that money down to their kids and then they keep the money how do you change that i mean we could all play that game right like we could all invest in the stock market we can all just really focus entirely on making money or should we not be able to like how do you stop the one percent like these bankers and investment people how do you stop that and how do you stop that in a way where it doesn't seem like you're you know you're changing the rules of the game because some people are just psycho good at it and completely dedicated to only making money well you're not changing the rules of the game because some people are just psycho good at it and completely dedicated to only making money. Well, you're not changing the rules because the estate tax was there from day one.

The founding fathers wanted there to be a very large estate tax. They wanted to avoid what happened in Europe, which is these building up of these families that are handing down wealth. handing down wealth and so these kids you know so i think we need to go back to right now it's like 35 or something like that on wealth over 10 million dollars if you're a couple they need to go back to really taking that money back because and doing what with it though put into schools to start with i would love that if there was like a real logic to how that money got spent right right that would be the problem because if it just went to a bunch of like just if it just went to a bunch of government programs that don't seem to make sense and that are like poorly structured and that money gets wasted that would make me sick no i think it has to be job training programs. It has to be helping small businesses grow with low-cost loans.

But think about these kids that are inheriting a billion dollars. What are you ever going to contribute to society? As opposed to if you were set up with you went to a private high school, you went to a great university, you went to a graduate school, all of it was paid for. You had nannies. You were given tutors. You should be able to go out and make a good living now. Yes. You don't need that billion dollars. Right.

And you will feel so much better if you make your own money. Yeah. So there should be enough money left. I'm not saying take away everybody's money when they die, but I'm saying that there's a grotesque amount of money that needs to be pulled back that's one way of of at least putting a chip like chip away at it that's one way right that money yeah what's another way what's i mean unless you want like cops or police to occupy these areas like how would you ever stop like at this point in time,

how would you stop places from being crime-ridden? It would have to be like a multi-step program where you would slowly but surely implement it and try to slowly but surely chip away at all these problems. Yeah. It's not something you're going to fix overnight because it didn't happen overnight, you know? Right, right.

No, there has to be great leadership, and there has to be man you got eight years you're you're president you've got four and if you're lucky you get eight no i mean local leadership you need to you know city councilmen and you know mayors that that are really looking at the community and figuring and each one's different i feel like if if it's that way unless it's federally if it's that way like you're gonna you're dealing with communities that don't have as much money already. Yeah. Because just by virtue of the fact they're crime-ridden and poverty-stricken, these are communities that already don't have any money. Yeah.

Low tax base. Let's go back to talking about farts. Yes. This bums me out. I get really bummed out when i talk about people that live in poor neighborhoods that don't have a way out because that is one it's one thing that really freaks me out like being stuck like the feeling of being stuck i don't know i mean i don't know what it is about that feeling but it's just you see people in in like i was in colorado springs once

and i saw this homeless couple, and they were begging for money, and they had a fucking baby. They had a baby. And it was outside, and it was kind of cold. It was, like, October. And I'll never forget that. I'm seeing this homeless couple with a baby. And I'm like, fuck.

They have a baby, and they're homeless. God damn it. Like, that kind of shit freaks me the fuck out. Yeah. Like, people who are just doomed. You're stuck. Like, you're stuck. Your parents are homeless.

And you're a baby. And usually one of the parents or both of them is mentally ill. I mean, most homelessness is caused by mental illness. Yeah. You have addiction, which is usually somebody self-medicating to begin with if you got to that point you're usually self-medicating something and it could be a number of things but you know there used to be you had institutional uh you had people that were institutionalized because they needed help you had mental hospitals yeah you had places where the lowest in our society the most vulnerable were

taken care of and those were closed and those people are on the street now that was during the reagan administration yeah now in la we now have typhus yeah that's right literally medieval diseases trying yeah making a comeback tuberculosis is back there's so many homeless people in la they think it might be as many as 70 000 people every night 70 000 people that's what i heard 70 000 and there's not a fucking single plan that makes any sense to deal with that yeah how do they fix that well part of the problem is that the you know it's just gotten so expensive to live here you know the real estate has gone through the roof and so people are people that were living on the edge you know paycheck to paycheck all of a sudden you're fucking you're out you stay on as many couches you can until people say look you

can't live here anymore yeah and then you're in your car and you know trying to get now you got to get to get back into housing you need to come up with the first last security deposit where the fuck you getting that where are you getting that that's definitely happening in some cases and a lot of cases it's just drug addicts too right people who are addicted to drugs yeah well and one of the things they're finding is that like i work with work with this group called People Concern in L.A., and they're trying to get people into housing, transitory housing, where they can at least get a shower, get some decent clothes. We can go on a job interview and get started where you don't have to pay that first, last, and security deposit. That's great if you're not mentally ill. Right.

You know, if you're mentally ill, all the showers in the world aren't going to fix robert william aprabaya remember that dude no you know that guy's he's a guy who comes to the comedy store all the time very nice guy he's a like a perpetual open micer actually kind of funny got some good one-liners but he's got something wrong yeah and those people need to take medication every day and when you're on the street you're not getting it and what they require is that you go to a certain facility every day to get your pills they won't give you the pills right these people are fucking they don't know where they're sleeping that night they can't show up at a certain time at a certain place yeah so they need to have played and one of the things they found also is when they give people housing it used to be contingent on you staying sober

and now they're finding that no get them off the street if they're still using you try to work with them you try to get them into counseling but you don't throw them back out on the street because they're using god fixing people dude fixing people so fucking hard look i did a podcast this weekend with arty arty lang yeah he's been sober now for nine months oh yeah yeah he's fucking great his eyes they sparkle he's alive that's great he's right there with you his stories were hilarious best storyteller out there oh my god dude it was so fun yeah and i was just thinking like you know i was so happy to see him so happy to see him, so happy to see him sober, crying, laughing, and thinking, God damn it, I hope he hangs in there.

Yeah. I hope. You know, they were talking about fixing his nose. But, you know, the doctor was like, look, he's going to be on pain pills if you fix his nose. They're going to give him medication. Like, it's too soon. Yeah, yeah. He needs at least a year of sobriety before he even thinks about doing that.

But even then, you're taking a guy who's a bona fide addict, a self-professed addict, and then you're going to give him drugs? Yeah. Come on. I know. You can't do it. You can't do it. No, and that's got to be some painful surgery.

I would imagine you'd have to have something come after that. Nah, you can take it. You can take it. Yeah, yeah. You're all right. I heard meditation can be as effective as any painkiller if you do it right. Maybe. I doubt it. I don't think so so i bet painkillers are way better yeah people aren't addicted to medication or meditation all right they're addicted to medication not meditation no i'm happy for i'm really happy

for arty and i've seen him you know i've i saw him before he went in, and he was a fucking mess. He was really bad, and he had been doing good. He was on Crashing the two years that I was there, and he would come in, and the guy was always on time, knew his lines, improvised his face off, was always fucking great. And then you'd hear that he'd gone off again, and you were just like, man, can't you just fucking, you're so much to offer. So smart, so talented. But he's also a wild man.

That's one of the reasons why he's so funny, because he's so impulsive and wild. I mean, that's just who Artie is. But goddamn, he's alive right now. He's alive and kicking, and his fucking eyes are sparkling. Like, you talk to him, he's like, ah, he's right there. He was so funny. Goddamn, he was funny. It was just so nice to see him and hug him

and when someone has gone through hell and back like that like just just to know that he's still there yeah it's so nice you know like you know we've lost a lot of people you know we know a lot of people are gone that were really great people and really funny people and they're just not around anymore they they fucked up giraldo and i mean I mean, you know, Mitch Hedberg. You could just keep going down that list. Right, right. Yeah, and it's like, it is. It's that wild, they have to find something to replace.

I mean, Lenny, I heard Lenny on your show. He was fucking great. I mean, that guy, not that he was ever like a hard addict, but he's been sober for a lot of years and he found ways to replace it and still be a fucking madman yeah you know he plays golf like a fucking madman he's funny as ever yeah as funny as ever funnier i would say oh my god he's so funny on the podcast yeah he's just rapid fire yeah he's in his 60s like yeah you know he's a wild man still yeah i told him to start running i I said, a lot of addicts, they start, he goes, I never got that runner's high.

I ran a little bit. I never got that fucking runner's high. I'm like, I think you got to run a lot. You got to get in shape, and then you do it a lot, and then you get used to it. Yeah, the high doesn't kick in right away. There's some layers you got to shed first. But this goes back to what you were talking about earlier, about so many of us are looking for a way to twist our consciousness

to do something to just take you out of whatever the fuck the normal sober consciousness is yeah what's wrong with the regular sober consciousness and i mean i'm saying this i'm saying this is somebody who struggles with it yeah i feel all the time like reaching for something. Yeah. You know, even if it's like I took CBD pills this morning just because it changes me a little bit. It fucking evens me out a little bit. You know, I'm on the road. I'll smoke a little pot.

Why? I don't know. I just need to be different right now. I need my head to change right now. Well, I think it's the monotony of existential angst, too. It's just like wearing you down. You know, you look in the mirror, you see a few more lines, a few more bags. Your skin is just slowly giving away from your skull.

Slowly. Slowly. Yeah. And we're not going to win this race. No one wins. No one wins this thing. And that just wears you out. Sometimes you just don't going to win this race. No one wins. No one wins this thing. And that just wears you out. Sometimes you just don't want to think about that.

You have a couple of drinks, you don't think about it anymore. You're like, ah, fucking Donald Trump. Donald! You get hammered. You know?

You see the fights. You go to see a game. You go to a concert. You drop acid. You do something. You hit on somebody. You wouldn't have done that. I wouldn't have walked up to that fucking hot chick and told her a joke.

No way. A couple of drinks. Yeah. Ladies, let me buy you a drink. Come on. I can remember trying to hook up sober after being drunk for so much of my life and then getting sober and then trying to hit on girls and go to bed with a girl while sober was weird.

I was looking at my body like look at this shitty body i didn't care about my body when i was drunk i'd walk to the bathroom naked walk back with my dick flopping around but once you're sober you're like this is really odd i just met this person i know it's and that even sex like what is that like you're trying to get some sort of a rush out of that. You're trying to escape. Yeah. You know, you're trying to both of you together. We're doing something.

I know. We're leaving this plane. You know, you're doing something. You're trying to escape whatever this fucking monotonous existence is together. You're seeing her face. monotonous existences together. You're seeing her face. A woman that

an hour before was sitting in a bar maybe smiling and thinking to herself oh is my does my smile feel fake or should I be smiling more? And now all of a sudden

she's screaming. Her eyes are rolled back. She's in another dimension. Yeah. Both of you are. Yeah. And then afterwards you've got to deal with each other.

That is the weirdest thing ever. It's like when you really. Yeah. And then afterwards, you've got to deal with each other. That is the weirdest thing ever. It's like when you really think you're into someone, and then you come, and you're like, oh my God, I've got to get out of here. How much of it is chemical? It's such a fucking trick. Yeah. And women are like, ah, you just did that. You just pretended you liked me so you could have sex with me.

No, I thought I did like you. Yeah. I was tricking myself too like i really believed it if you you know if you say a lot of shit that you don't really mean just to fuck some that's a dirty move but so many guys and i've talked to so many guys who echo this you really think you like them until you come right and then you're like Yeah. And then whatever was kind of cute before now is annoying and grating on you. It's probably the same with women. They probably thought they liked you until you fucked them, and then you're hanging around

talking and farting, and they're like, get this guy out of my fucking apartment. Right, right. It's biology. Yeah. It's the ultimate trick, right? right right it's biology yeah it's the ultimate trick right you you are when you're having sex with someone especially if you're really aroused and you they're really hot and you're really into it and they're into you that is a drug yeah it's it's definitely a drug yeah it's your your oxytocins through the roof all your fucking pheromones are flying around you're smelling

each other and you're aroused all your your sex hormones are fucking... You're blaring, you know? And it's all... It's the number one thing. Oh, yeah. That's it. I mean, when you think about it, there's the orgasm and then what's second? What's second in the list of great things that you can experience physically? A runner's high?

Yeah. You know, without drugs, just that you can experience physically a runner's high um yeah you know without drugs just that you can naturally experience it's pretty up it's pretty up there yeah yeah there's not a lot of things well it's also the the that it's difficult to procure right it's difficult to get someone who's really attractive to like you yeah right i mean that's the reason why you and i are funny yeah right let's be honest like why and I are funny. Yeah. Right? Let's be honest. Like, why are most men, why do they have a sense of humor? They have a sense of humor because girls like that.

It's a big one. Like, you can kind of jump through a lot of hoops. You can skip a lot of steps if you're funny. Yeah. If you're a guy and you're funny, because you have to be smart to be funny. So girls are like, oh, he knows how to be funny. You know? And if they're not funny, but then you're funny, you have to be smart to be funny so girls are like oh he knows how to be funny yeah you know and if they're not funny but they then you're funny you can make them laugh they're like oh just bring this fucking comedian with me everywhere right and i always have my own little show yeah and when she likes you because of that you're like oh she likes me because i'm

funny and i'll get funnier yeah i'll work at this yeah i'll be good at this dude when i was in sixth grade me and john urzak used to do comedy routines for the girls at lunch we had whole fucking routines like Mark's Brothers stuff and Muppet Show shit like whatever worked we were up there tap dancing for those girls Vicky Bettman

you're so funny Greg you're so funny and I remember that feeling back then because I was the skinny little kid with red hair and freckles. No chicks took it. They just cared about the guys that were good at sports. And all of a sudden, like, I'm getting laughs. And I just remember feeling like this is what I want to do.

This is what I need to do. Yeah. I found it. You need people to like you. Yeah. Yeah. So there's that, right? It's like when guys see a car, like a brand new Mercedes in a commercial, and there's

a girl with long legs and high heels, and she's leaning against the car. You're like, oh my God, does that girl come with a car? If I get the car, will I get her? Yeah. I need to get her. It's hard to get one of those. You get a girl with long legs and high heels and beautiful lips, and she's looking at you like she loves you.

That's so difficult to find. It's so difficult to find it's so difficult to get most of the time those girls they look they walk right by you like you don't even exist but look at that if i get that watch that watch there's a girl staring at that watch she loves that watch gotta get that watch yeah and that's like what's used to sell most things like how many things in america in particular are sold by attractive women? Yeah. Attractive women in ads, attractive women that we associate if you get this Lamborghini,

attractive women will be more drawn to you because it's difficult to get a Lamborghini. Right. This guy can get a Lamborghini. That means he's got $300,000 to throw on a stupid car that's probably going to break down. Yeah. Jon Hamm doing those car ads. Women fucking they want to get in that car with Jon Hamm. Matthew McConaughey.

Look at him. Look at him. Look at that house he lives in. I could be in that house. I just need to, if I meet him, he'll love me. I would put a couch over there, though. There's not enough shrubbery inside the house gotta fix it kind of a modern painting it just needs a woman's touch then then he has sex with him he's like i

gotta go oh but i thought but it's your house we have forever yeah the the ultimate biological trick if they've ever that's what's going to be really weird like if you look at aliens right one what's the the iconic alien they have the big heads they have these little boy like bodies long fingers no dicks yeah there's nothing there right because that's probably what happens in the future yeah in the future we all figure out listen we are being tricked left and right by our dicks and our vaginas and our our sex hormones are talking us into nonsense well we could just be enlightened yeah and we could travel the galaxy together but we got to get past all this sex stuff this biological sex stuff and you can you could

have an orgasm in your own brain here with your this new phone iphone 72 yeah and just press the button and then get that out of your system good now we don't need sex anymore yeah and we don't need our mouths either we need to talk with our brains just you know big giant head with a tiny slit for a mouth it's like remember that woody allen movie sleepers and they have the orgasmatron oh and you just pass it around and then you have an orgasm and then you move on that was it you mean you you think about how much work is involved in trying to get an orgasm like how much energy people spend and then the the seduction right you meet someone at a bar can i buy a drink okay you want me to light that cigarette can't do that anymore but that was a thing right like light the girl's cigarette buy a drink drink. Oh, he's so charming. Oh, oh.

Thinking, maybe. Dance? A mating dance? Let's dance. Watch me shake my hips. I'm going to look you in the eye. Does he know how to dance? A guy who doesn't know how to dance

probably sucks in bed. Yeah. That guy can fucking dance. Look at him dance. Maybe I'll let him shoot one in me. Make a baby. It's time to breed. I'm going to breed with a conqueror. A man who can dance who knows how to light a baby. It's time to breed. I'm going to breed with a conqueror.

A man who can dance, who knows how to light a cigarette. He could kill somebody for me. He's big. He's big. And he knows how to think. He knows that we got to get out of here. Trouble's brewing. He's a protector.

Oh, I'm going to get in his nice car. He can drive fast. He lives on the top of the hill. He's got a good spot where we can see the enemies coming from a long way that's right yeah fuck yeah so weird people i mean that's our business is like getting people to like us right that's a big part of what our business is our business is like saying funny shit so people like us. Yeah. And other people do different things. Like some girls,

they just work on their squats. You know, just go to the gym a lot so that people like them more. Yeah. Their ass sticks out more, get more attention. Right.

You know, some people are just funny. Some people, they acquire things. Some people acquire power, respect, influence. Yeah, I watched this nature special on um the um what are those animals that hang upside down in australia bats no they're like furry they're furry and cute

wallabies no they bounce around i forget what they're called but wombats no they got they've got them they got them here too i think but anyway this motherfucker is on one side of the river and he can hear a mating call from the other side of the river and he's slow as shit sloth sloth so this sloth here's the female sloth and he fucking they and i don't know where they get these cameras from but they watch this guy go down the tree, across a limb, into the water, can't swim for shit. There's fucking rapids. He makes his way

across. All like, because he can hear that. Gets across, climbs on it. It takes like two days. And then he finds this other sloth and he climbs on top of her. Couple shakes of the head. Done. Ugh. Who's this bitch?oth and he climbs on top of her. Couple shakes of the head. Done. Who's this bitch?

But now he can think. Now the poor little guy can think. Oh, Jesus. She wants to eat my fruit. Fuck out of here. It's my fruit, bitch. She wants to talk about that star that was shining last night. Because that was entertainment back then.

But it's an even weirder dance for a girl. Because a girl has to figure out whether or not this guy is going to be around. She's going to let this guy shoot one inside of her. And then what if she gets pregnant? And now this asshole, she has to rely on him? Is he going to be around? He's a sloth. There's going to be a lot of time where she has to dedicate to taking care of this kid. Maybe she can hold down a full-time job. Maybe she can't, like, there's going to be a lot of time where she has to dedicate to taking care of this kid.

Maybe she can hold down a full-time job. Maybe she can't. But there's a lot of fucking resources that need to be dedicated towards raising these children. Is someone going to help? Am I going to be doing this on my own? Like, women have to be really fucking careful. Really careful.

Imagine if guys got pregnant every time we fucked. Oh, my God. Yeah. I had a joke about that. Abortion would be an app on your phone. Because it would. Like, if we got pregnant, the fuck out of here.

Oh yeah. Yeah, morning after pills would just be on the bedside table every morning. They'd be everywhere. They'd give them to you at hotels. Like, they'd leave mints on the bed. chocolates yeah leave fucking plan b pills there would be no kids there's zero kids yeah there'd be two of us women love children they're nurturing they're capable yeah we're like some women but some women don't want to get boxed into that either yeah which and

some guys don't want to some guy look i love being a father i know you love being a father but we all i have friends that are like a bunch of them that have vasectomies they don't want to have kids fuck that yeah okay that's okay it's all okay there's plenty of great it's great that you know you don't yeah i mean i don't even know if you know you don't because maybe you think you don't because you haven't had it i mean a kid will change the way your fucking brain works. Yeah. And a lot of times for the better.

It made me a way nicer person. Yeah. Way nicer. It made me way more considerate of people's positions, too, because I used to think of people always as being static. Like, oh, this is Greg. He's 52. He's always been 52. This is what he is.

I know him. I'm talking to him right now. Now I look at people and I go, oh,reg used to be a baby he was a baby like what did how did what what what weird circumstances befell him what fucking weird pitfalls and traps and weird things entered into his life what weird people fucked him over what what weird people lied to him stole from him what how did he get to be this bitter person right now i hate to use your name there i didn't mean you yeah why did i become a bitter guy you're not that's i realized halfway and i've created a scenario that's wholly

unlike you but you know it's i i think of people now in a different way i used to think of people angry people i used to think of them as i'll fuck that idiot but now i go oh that fucking guy he got he got fucked over yeah he got fucked over, oh, that fucking guy. He got fucked over. He got fucked over. That's most of them. Most of them got fucked over. And it could have been me. It could have been me easily.

Or just have a bad chemical makeup. Some people are just fucking ADHD and you think that they're not caring friends because they don't remember to call you or whatever. It's like, that guy's trying to get his shoelace tied. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or maybe he's OCD and he can't wait to wash his hands again or or maybe he's got alzheimer's and he can't remember whether he washed his hands you know i mean this most people are trying their best yeah and i think a big part of what's wrong in this world is that we're dealing with a lot of communication that's not

face-to-face a lot of it a lot of it whether it's you know he said she said shit where like you know you have a problem with this guy and then another guy tells you he said some shit about you what did he say fuck that guy he said that i'll tell you what really happened instead of like you being alone with that guy well what happened what what do you think happened well what i think happened is this and that. And you're like, well, that's definitely not what happened because of this. And then he's got to go, oh, I didn't know that. Well, I didn't want to fuck you over. I'm not trying to fuck you over.

Well, I thought you were. Okay. Well, now I understand why you were behaving the way you were behaving. But we're men here. Let's talk. You know, like I don't want any enemies. I want friends. Or let's yell a little bit too. Let's out yeah let's figure this out but so much of today that is

excluded from the formula so much of today is people dealing with emails like how much can be like i had to put out a fire between two friends in an email recently one one person was upset upset because they thought some person was doing something shitty to them and i'm like no no no no that's not that's not what happened like okay let me explain i'll do my best but the whole reason everyone anyone's having this conversation is because you guys weren't talking in front of each other you know and then there's this wonder like how's that guy what is he saying about me when I'm not around? How does he feel about me?

Does he feel like he got over on me? Does he feel like he, did he fuck me over? Did he disrespect me? So much of it is like, we're not supposed to communicate any other way other than like you and I are doing right now. Look at each other in the eyes. I know you're not full of shit. You know I'm not full of shit. And we get to talk.

That's how people are supposed to communicate. And you used to be in a little village where you know you just if you had a problem you talk to that person and if you were a shitty person if you were acting shitty everybody knew you were shitty yes and you got a little bit ostracized for it yes yes definitely there was correction and gossip was healthy a little bit gossip was good. It was like going, hey, that's Bill. He rapes. That's the gossip today. This guy likes to get five pounds of ground beef stuffed up his ass. Why? I don't know why. Do you need to fart?

Because Johnny over there, he'll give you five bucks if you fucking throw one in his face. He likes it. What? Yeah. He's going to beat off while you fart. That's it? That's what he likes. He doesn't want you to touch him. Just fart in his face And then kick him in the balls

He's always feeding all the girls You ever watch those videos of guys that like They like getting kicked in the balls Yeah I've seen that I mean they really get kicked in the balls Yeah Like hard Stomped

You could die from that Guys get their balls stomped with stilettos Yeah That's a really common thing Like And they're getting stomped like guys lose testicles yeah i know a guy who lost a testicle because he got kicked and he didn't have a cup on and he was sparring just like he's like i'll do one more round so he spars and he gets slammed

in the fucking sack with a shin and his testicle burst burst and these guys are just letting some chicks stomp on them with a stiletto heel yeah i was fucking around with dave vada one time when i was in like 10th grade and we were wrestling around and he reached down and grabbed my balls really hard and squoze them like a fucking nut he was a little bit of a nut and i remember laying on the ground for like 10 minutes being in like the most severe pain i've ever been in my life dude i thought it was sterile for a long time because you're getting kicked in the ball i've been kicked in the balls at least a hundred times hard yeah by black belts like i've been kicked in the balls dude like many many many times were they trying to kick you in the balls no no you clash yeah like say if you're throwing a kick with your right leg

and i'm throwing a kick with my right leg and we throw them at the same time and you just we're moving weird sometimes it just goes right in the sack yeah sometimes a kick will deflect you know like someone will be hitting you and you're trying to hit them in the chest. But inadvertently they catch part of your leg and it redirects it right towards their balls. Cups don't really cover your balls. They do. New ones do. Yeah, the old ones didn't.

There's a new, well, there's a company called Diamond MMA and i wear their cup when i do jujitsu and it's a compression short with all these straps built in and this cup that it's got like a like a more flexible foam rubber rubber on the outside and then a very hard rubber that covers the uh like the outside edge rather and a very hard rubber that covers like the sack and the dick. Oh. And then it fits very snugly to your body. And you can get kicked in the balls pretty hard with those on. Yeah. It's a giant improvement. Yeah. But when I was a kid, we didn't have that.

No. We had a cup that slid into a jock strap and it barely held in place. And one time I was in a tournament and I got kicked in the ball so fucking, I was pretty sure this guy did it on purpose. He was a mean fuck. I was in a tournament and I got kicked in the ball so fucking, I was pretty sure this guy did it on purpose. He was a mean fuck. I was fighting this Korean dude. He was very good and very mean. And I'm pretty sure he kicked me in the balls on purpose because I punched him in the face

on purpose right afterwards. I was pretty sure. Yeah. But my ball, my cup slammed into my ball. So the cup did worse than protect me, than not protect me. It actually became a weapon against my ball. Right.

So the cup slammed into my ball. My ball swole up. It was awful. It was so... What were those cups protecting? Pretty much your shaft, but not your balls. They do protect your balls a little bit under the ideal circumstances.

Like something comes at it straight on and it hits the cup. It's way better to hit the cup than it is to hit your balls by themselves. It's definitely better. It's like a bicycle helmet. They made Taekwondo cups that we used to wear on the outside that were even better because you'd wear them. You'd have your pants on, your gi pants, and then you would put the cup on over the pants.

And they were more sturdy, and they would tie on. They would hold them in place. And it was a little more material there, so it was like it would cover your junk better. Yeah. But still. Sack is just a fucking terrible design. It is a bad design.

Balls on the outside. Dangling in midair just waiting to be hurt you ever sit on your ball oh yeah yeah oh yeah you ever cut your dick in a zipper no never no oh my god we're underwear i've done i've gone fucking commando before my dick in a zipper yeah it's like the crown no the shaft somewhere in the the side of the shaft i caught it in the zipper it was it was bleeding oh no sex for a while after that yeah because then you have to explain yeah like what's on your dick oh fucking caught it in the zipper you fucking liar you fucking liar you're gonna give me a disease you're such a piece of shit

that's why they invented buttonfly yeah probably right yeah i think buttonfly was first was it yeah i think the old levi's i think they were all buttonfly they hadn't figured out zippers yet yeah like zippers like let's guess when do you think they invented the zipper i want to say like the 1800s yeah i, I thought the original Levi jeans had zippers. Don't think so. No? I think that's why they called them the original button fly. Ah.

Right? Like 501s? Yeah. The original 501 jeans? Yeah. Button flies? I remember dry humping. I was a fucking dry humper in junior high school, man.

Dry humping machine? Dude, I would go all night i would get it i i was i was gifted and you know you you try to get your cock right right in the middle there right in the spot and then uh i was perfect and i remember one time getting a scab i got so raw i had a scab on it. Jesus, dude. Yeah. Did you nut from dry humping? A couple times. But I was pretty restrained. Well, you got to, if you dry hump, the right way to do it is with silk pajamas. Oh.

No underwear. Nice. Right? You see, guys. If I could go back in time, I would talk to my old self. Hey, dickhead. You're going to get some eighth grade. Why are you wearing fucking these corduroys? You're showing up at some girl's house.

She's in eighth grade. Dad answers the door. Why are you wearing silk pajama pants? I'm just really into silk. Reading a lot about trade with China. Is Irene here? She comes down. Are you wearing underwear, you piece of shit?

What? Huh? You think I'm stupid? I'm married. I have children. All right? I've had sex, you little fuck. I know what you're doing.

You want to dry hump my kid? She comes down. She's wearing silk pajamas. What the fuck is going on here? No way. Get out of here. Dry humping, man. The good old days.

Yeah. Remember? You grab a titty. You were so happy. I can't believe I'm holding a tit. Outside the shirt, I was happy. Outrageous. Yeah.

You were so happy. Like, this is so much better than not holding a tit. Yeah. It's as good as it gets. And then if you were a girl, I felt bad for girls back then because how annoying would it be that somebody's just grabbing- My wife must know what we're talking about. Just call me right now. That you're just grabbing their tit and you can't stop.

Like, she's got her bra on, you wedged your hand under her bra, and you're just grabbing, just squeezing. Yeah. That's not pleasurable for her. No. Definitely not. But they did it. Maybe she did like it. Maybe she just liked the fact she's naughty.

Yeah. So naughty. I couldn't fathom that girls were enjoying fooling around for a long time. I really thought that they were just being nice. Dude, I couldn't imagine that girls like boys. Like, why do you even like me? Yeah. Like, why do you like boys?

Boys are so gross. Yeah. You know, I remember being a kid thinking that, man, I'm so happy that girls like boys, but I don't understand it. It doesn't make sense. Like, why would they like us? We don't have any of the good things that they have yeah they have tits and they get wet they're pretty we're dirty gross they wear makeup we don't we're gross we're stupid yeah

we're dumb as fuck we are dumber too, the whole process of men developing and getting testosterone and going through the whole cycle of adulthood, it's just a fact that women mature quicker. They're smarter at an earlier age. So when you're 15, you've got to have a 14-year-old girlfriend. Because if you have a 15-year-old girlfriend, she's like, you fucking idiot. Damn. Got to get someone smarter. Yeah. If I get someone smarter. Like, how someone smarter like if you're if you like

how many guys who are 18 have a 17 year old girlfriend a lot yep yeah but how many guys who are 18 have a 19 year old girlfriend 19 year old girls don't want to have anything to do with an 18 year old moron no no they're smarter already yeah they're looking for a 22 year old yep no it's so true like my daughter said that she's like i can't she goes i can't even talk to guys my age yes yes she wants a couple of ages they're smarter yeah they don't have to go through that whole that testosterone thing just all you're thinking about is getting rid of loads yeah you're barely thinking about anything else studying school oh i know jesus oh yeah it was pretty much playing sports and having an orgasm that was that was high school yes and as soon as you found out about orgasms

sports took a back seat yeah a big back seat yeah i used to do a bit about that my dad's like hey how come you're not playing baseball anymore? Yeah, I found this new thing. And I'm way better at this. I like it more. It's more fun. I always win. Every game. Every time you come, you win.

Yay! The crowd cheers. It's like Trump. Make America great again. Yes! See, if you come, you win. You win. As long as the girl's not mad at again. Yes. See, if you come, you win. You win. As long as the girl's not mad at you.

Yeah. If you come, the girl's like, what the fuck? You're like, oh, shit. Now my good moment is done. Yeah, yeah. It has to be well placed. Dude, it's already 6 p.m., believe it or not. Jesus Christ, really?

Yeah. Let's wrap this bitch up. Greg, tell everybody where you're going to be. Oh, Jesus. With your hilarious stand-up comedy. I'm going to be at the Punchline in San Francisco this weekend. Oh, shit. One of my favorite clubs of all time.

It's the best. And then I'm coming up. I'm going to be in Kansas City after that. And then I'm going to be in Denver, Philadelphia, Cincinnati, Atlantic City. Go to FitzDawg.com get all your tickets for all those places woo

see you tomorrow folks bye everybody much love