The Joe Rogan Experience - #1384 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: November 14, 2019

Ari Shaffir is a stand-up comedian and also hosts the podcasts “Ari Shaffir’s Skeptic Tank” & “Punch Drunk Sports" both available on Spotify.

Well, that one never got repeated in podcast history. Well, we fucked that up. We thought we were recording. We were saying how Bert is the only person we know who's both funny and a great promoter. Usually, you get one or the other. You get someone who's really funny, but we were talking about Bert's video. We thought all this was being recorded. Oh, it would have been so much better if they got that natural thing.

The audio is being recorded the whole time. Just that video. So, I can leave that in the MP3. Everybody can download that beginning. Oh, okay. All right. Give us one of those cartoonists whole time. Just that video. So I can leave that in the MP3. Everybody can download that beginning. Oh, okay. All right. Give us one of those cartoonists to make the video. Well, for everybody, the audio, we're going to stop now.

We're going to double repeat ourselves. So a bunch of people, Bert used to have a show called Hurt Bert. And that one disturbed me the most. I don't remember this one at all. Hurt Bert, he would do a bunch of stupid shit and get injured. But he's really getting hurt. Yes, man. He's doing jujitsu

with some kid and some red belt kid who's with Horry and Gracie. He really, when he was that young, he really reminds me of that frat guy that he was.

I can't really see it now, but this is him like four years removed from that. This guy keeps arm barring him. He doesn't know what to do here. Kid is 108 pounds. I think part of it it he's also going along with it enjoying he's got to take

the offensive fuck that wow this kid will never see it he's played duck twice or possum twice now how about that video that i showed you that bridget fettus he showed me it's a video of this guy who's on a school bus and it's just it starts with a bus driver throwing a little kid off the school bus screaming at him and then a bunch of people like what the fuck are you doing man you can't chase him back onto the bus the bus driver gets back on the bus and then they check the little kid are you okay and they realize this little kid with like a lunchbox and everything is actually a grown midget and he's pretending that he's a little kid hanging out with these little kids and the bus driver found it.

Dude, the look at everybody's face when they say, wait, he's not a kid? And they're all like, oh, I was mad. Now I'm confused. So he's got the lunchbox. He throws out his lunchbox

and he grabs him. He throws him. Yeah. It's crazy. Because he's got a little kid's backpack. What the fuck are you doing? People are ready to beat his ass. Beat the bus driver's ass. They saw him chuck off a little kid. That's a five-year little kid's backpack. People are ready to beat his ass. Beat the bus driver's ass.

They saw him chuck off a little kid. That's a five-year-old's body. She's calling the cops. Yeah, and then they get to him to see, hey, are you okay? Now watch this. They go to... That's a grown-ass man.

That's a grown-ass man. So that dude was pretending to be Everybody's confused Look how confused they all are I was mad before I don't know What to think now That's crazy That's crazy

Why did we bring that up Why were we talking about that That's a great question Something to do with Burt but I don't know what that was What does that have to do with something to do with burt but i don't know what that was what does it have to do with it's what else we were talking no no no no the kid the kid was beating up burt in jujitsu i don't remember welcome to november yeah this is uh not sober november no remember november i definitely don't remember what the fuck we were talking about dude you're uh you're on an iPhone now. Tell me what that's been like.

Okay. It's been pretty interesting. Yeah? So I've set myself in October to see if I can fucking do it again. You told me about that app that's on the thing. Mm-hmm. Limits your screen time. Limits your screen time.

Yeah. You have that for your kids. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I was looking for like five, six years ago. There was nothing. It would just give you alarms. And you could snooze it.

Not good enough Yeah Yeah You know it's sort of like Remember when we had to do Those 15 yoga classes Uh huh Like you had to do it

So because you had to do it You just fucking knew You were gonna do it The wishy-washiness Was gone Of what The wishy-washiness I don't have to do this

I can back off I can just I'm kind of tired anyway Let me take the day off All that shit was gone You couldn't do that yeah that's sort of the same thing with that app because you could always say I'm not gonna use my phone much fuck that what does that mean dude I'm an observer of the other people on their phones everyone who says that is on all the time yeah it's so easy to be on and you could with me I found myself just reading google news stories

for no reason just looking up and a lot of them aren't even like an interesting it's like oh this car sold for this much money or oh you know you're just like yeah wasting time wasting time time you're gonna be bored i'm lying to myself because i'm always thinking that i'm gonna oh but there's material in this i'm gonna find a story that's really funny yeah but you those kind of you find out anyway. You know what I'm saying? Like people force really good ones like that guy getting thrown off the bus. Yeah. That one's going to get to you.

It finds you. The way that horse thing would have got to you years before the internet. Yes. The horse one got to us. Well, the internet was around, but it was years before social media. What was your joke? I win. You've done that on special, no no that's never in a special

what yeah why um comedy central said it was too rough it's pretty rough but i wouldn't say too but maybe i can revive it oh my god revive it just couch at the early days of the internet we're like this yeah yeah well it was a true story too yeah i did have a friend of mine that i go back and forth with he was so fucking he was one of those dudes that just knows everything that's fucked up like he could find all the video the bud dwyer video you know he was one of those guys and he would send me this videos like batters up and uh i would like batter up what the fuck is this i open up the email and it's uh that porn star with a baseball bat up her ass belladonna yes it was her and i was like jesus christ and then you know and then i we would go back and forth i would send him something fucked up he would send me something fucked up the

baseball bat was surprising spattered nowhere batter up i was like what is this i'm like oh my god how how that poor girl's asshole must be a wreck dude interesting fact about belladonna that first storytelling show we ever did at the improv 12 people were there and she was one of them oh wow well she used to go to the comedy store yeah she was cool yeah um yeah it was crazy they offered me some gaping porn they had some uh dvds they were giving away i'm like i'm good man thanks guys, why didn't you take it? I was like, hey, man, it's not a disrespectful thing. It's just not into your art.

Also, I'm afraid I'm going to go down this line. Oh, her husband. Gaping porn is the weirdest shit ever because people want to look inside people's bodies. You want to look in the hole. They want the hole to be gaping. That's a style of porn.

Gaping. And why the drip out? You ever see the drip out at the end? Why is this still recording? And they shake the close up. You know what I'm talking about. Close up. They close up vagina and wait for the jizz to come out.

Yeah. I agree with that face. Yeah. It's not for me. I don't know why it's still on the video. Some people like it. People like weird shit, right? People like feet. They like weird shit, right? People like feet.

They like everything. Someone likes everything. What's really weird is that some things that some people would hate, other people love. Yeah. With food too and movies and shit like that. Like an intelligent, well-respected woman. I won't bring up her name. Was on stage talking about how she likes taking loads in the face now she might have been saying this as a joke but it might have been true

some people just like love it like some girls like that right that's why it's or is it guys like it and that's why it's a thing or girls pretend they like it so the guys do it but for some girls would be like fuck that get that away from me. Other people would love it. That's what's weird about humans. Yeah. Right? There's so many people that are into such weird shit. I spit on a vagina once. Ew.

Well, it was whatever. And the girl, she didn't like it. She was like, did you spit on my vagina? Ah! Yeah? Sometimes with that accent, it's even worse. She goes, well, I didn't like that. I'm like, all right, well, I won't do it again.

Wow. I don't know. And she goes, all right. But a guy would get mad if a girl She goes, well, I didn't like that. I'm like, all right, well, I won't do it again. Wow. I don't know. And she goes, all right. But a guy would get mad if a girl spit on his dick? I don't think so. No, they might be like, whoa. They just shift away. Maybe if you were having a really hard time staying hard anyway, because she's intimidating

you, and you're barely hanging in there, and then she spits on your dick, you're like, hey, what the hell? You might lose your boner but it was like real yeah a full gagger right away yeah you're kissing and then jesus is the next step and you're like whoa slow down the fuck down was this type of porn inevitable or like yeah never did the hustler stuff and never went through all the court cases would it's a human thing man would have happened in a hundred yeah those larry flint guys are important that they help move the needle for sure no doubt i mean that guy took a bullet for the freedom of expression whether you like porn or not we've

all jerked off to it and if you say you didn't you're a hypocrite i mean no way just liar not listening where he like crossed the line that was that existed yes he certainly did but my point is i think that there was a there were like they had already done deep throat before hustler right it wasn't deep throat when was deep throat deep throat was a porn film that people went to see like a regular film it was like a movie it was x same time wasn't it also a nickname like a code name for for someone like yes but that's no no that's post no, that's post. That's during Watergate. That was one of the insiders in Watergate and their nickname was Deep Throat, but that was because the movie had already been out.

72. They named one of the Nixon Watergate people after a porno? Deep Throat, yes, yes, yes. Never realized that. Deep Throat was the person who was- Were they just having fun? Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

The fucking, look, man, those CIA people or whoever the fuck was involved with all that stuff sb fbi yeah they're they're a lot of them are bros yeah do you think one guy's like intelligent bros and the next guy's like oh really because i went to someone who's running for president i broke into that fucking office dude right yeah like what i'm sure i'm sure there's some of that some of that there's there a lot of, I mean, they're like cops. Yeah. Or like military people. You know, they're like, a lot of them are just men, guys, guys, men.

They probably watch porn. Yeah. They probably know who Deep Throat is. You know, if you're working for like one of the biggest police, I mean, it's essentially like a police organization. None of them major in English with a focus on Shakespeare. FBI's law enforcement, right? I mean, that's what it is. It's jocks. Yeah, they're bros. A lot of them are br? I mean, that's what it is. It's jocks.

Yeah, they're bros. A lot of them are bros. Of course they're going to brag. Not disrespecting it at all. Deep throat. But that's why they would call it deep throat. Nice nickname, bro. If it's a group of women that are from University of Massachusetts Amherst.

Yeah, they'll call it fucking yarning. They're definitely not going to call it deep throat. Yeah. That would be contributing to the patriarchy Manic panic But that movie Was in 72 So when did

Hustler start Hustler was around 75, 76 Are you a Aficionado Do you want to Google this Because of the

I told you about The first one that I had On my collection Kevin Smith Remember like Larry Flint started it In Columbus The first headquarters That's right that's right that's right ohio that's right yeah man um i had

to go to the hustler office once yeah to review porn there was like an article that they were doing where you review porn it was so weird it was like the weirdest thing they i forget is like early in the days of the internet right like more than 20 plus years ago trying to figure anything out yeah they're just trying to figure things out and try things out so you watched the porno over there i don't remember i don't remember what it was i think i was reviewing magazines i was reviewing porn magazines i'm trying to i think that was what it was or maybe they showed me a little of the porn Or they showed me the magazine I don't remember what it was Same time Hustler started the same year

Nixon ended 74 And the first Deep Throat was 72 Yeah so that's exactly where it came from Didn't you and Stanhope And Stanhope's mom review boobs or something? Yes Stanhope's mom reviewed porn on the Man Show That was it

Yeah that's what it was Stanhope's mom would watch porn And give these fucking hilarious reviews of it It was one of the best things we did it was really his mom was really funny too really she's like hinchcliffe's mom you seen hinchcliffe's mom dude she did stand up mom did stand up he wrote the bits for it and she did them she had cue cards she did it killed tony packed main room and fucking murdered i'm telling you dude she killed and one of them she got me with a zinger i forget what it was but it was fun it was all shit that tony wrote it was funny shit man

and she did it with like authority like she hit the punch lines like he coached her really yeah yeah it was great it was great she had never done anything like that before and here she murdered at her son's show and he brings her up as his mom there it is right now there's his mom okay that's yeah it is she's amazing i'm telling you dude she fucking murdered it she's taller than him dude how dare you how dare you she was really good man wow that's cool i don't want to play any of it because it's their stuff but uh people can see it. What's the video? Kill Tony five-year anniversary, episode 273. So it was Dom Irera who's the best at those things. He's so quick.

He's the best. No one's better than Dom at those roast shows, talking shit, or something like Kill Tony where a guy does one minute of terrible comedy and he gets to chime in. He's just the master at dissecting people ironically have you ever seen him do his open mic character oh yeah arrow is it arrow razor it's something like that oh he does it so good he's so nervous if you interrupt him he has to back up and start from the scratch from the beginning like over and over again he's so good on kill tony he should be a regular he really should he should be on every episode he should be on every episode and then whoever the guest is on

top of it he's just so good he's just so good at talking shit to people when they do terrible things and do it in a way we can't even be mad at him what are you gonna say were you watching uh last night's new episode of kill tony no i didn't see it why you'll have to watch it when it comes out Ari was on yesterday oh was it good something wrong great

he got a standing ovation I think I don't know thank you that's what I do I get standing O's wow dude you're an animal

I just came out naked oh you came out naked just popped out from behind how does that work for you two do they have to blur out your cock and balls I don't know

it's something they should deal with I'm just there for the live show It's something they should deal with. I'm just there for the live show. It should be. They should have like a little a little like a button you can a little blurry thing

that can bounce around your cock. Why doesn't YouTube put that in? Honestly a setting at this point on the YouTube just so if you see a cock blur it out. Did you see the new release

that said something and maybe this is people freaking out for no reason maybe it's not. Skipped over what it said. People are freaking out about some new uh terms that they have where they can get rid of any channel that they don't think is commercially viable is that the quote they did update their terms of service but i don't i i haven't looked into this i'm just going off of what i think

i don't know that that's like new in the terms think that they might have always been able to do that. Facebook can delete your thing. I think Twitter can delete your account. I think that's kind of in all of them. So they always have the ability to tell you to fuck off. You can't delete your own account. But they can delete yours. I mean, come on, dude.

They run the fucking world at this point. They run the world. Well, Facebook. They're bigger than the government. Facebook's a giant. Yeah, they're multinational. They'll go anywhere. they're bigger than the government facebook's giant yeah they're multinational national they'll go anywhere they're bigger than the government they're giant you don't freak me out zuckerberg on tv in china i think he's speaking mandarin i was so impressed i was like look at this fucking guy how smart is he yeah he went to the same school aoc went to i mean that's that's beside the point yeah yeah

i what's he doing a lot of people went to that school they can't do it i know speaking mandarin is that's hard you gotta if you're learning that as an adult holy shit and he does it on a talk show and people are laughing it's really funny man so he's on this show and the guy's speaking to him i think it's Mandarin. What? And he understands it? Not only does he understand it, he tells a story to the crowd, and they're laughing. So he told a joke. He told a joke in Chinese.

Did he know it already? He knew how to talk in Chinese. From college? He learned. No, I think his wife is Chinese. So he learned either with her or because of her. She was Aisha in that movie. So I think he's he's just one of those dudes it's just a little too smart for his own good

he's running Facebook. They're trying to fucking addict you every chance they get. Of course they are they definitely are but it's just the the influence that one person can have when you're a kid who starts up a social network you think you're just going to connect people that want to like say hi to friends from school yeah you're trying to start making some cash and then next thing you know people are using it to shift democracies and then people are putting filters in there to try to control the content and then people are biased against certain political ideologies and more submissive or more permissive of others and then it becomes really weird like wait is this a free speech zone like what is this is this like

you decide who are you who are these people that get to decide are they deciding only for money like how did you engineer this you wait a minute you engineer you didn't engineer it specifically to create conflict but it's more monetarily beneficial for you to create conflict and your algorithm is sort of conflict it's it's sort of gravitates towards conflict right like if you're if you engage with things a lot of people like say if it's yeah if it's a topic that is a very hot because you're mad because people met abortion right abortion if you engage with abortion threads your fucking your feed will be

filled with those things oh yeah that's what you'll find for sure keep it coming back yeah it's stuff that you engage with let me see if this guy

responded to my comment but here's my question if you're a person that instead engages with only positive stuff would that make your I mean is it just what you're engaging in

is that what the algorithm is no I have the answer so I did this as a test to myself whatever on YouTube to see how much YouTube was influencing me. You know, with that algorithm. You look at fucking one video. Go down a hole, son. Yeah, you go down a hole. Tim Pool kept coming up for fucking, you know, five months after that.

After that podcast you did. And then it was like, so I was like, from now on for a month, I'm only clicking on puppy videos. I'm searching puppy videos when I see one like of yours or if somebody's that I want to see or music something that pops up before

I'm like nope not touching it only searching and clicking on YouTube puppies sometimes they gave me dogs but it was just more and more that shit

soldiers coming home when their dog's greeting them and then eventually they just start hitting me with only fucking puppy videos. So the algorithm just recognizes what you're interested in.

Yeah. So you can't blame people then. No, but sometimes it makes you think this way. It makes you get mad about something. You ever talk to someone who's like woke about something

and you want to be like, I don't really believe you. I don't believe you're this mad about this thing. Like somebody made you this mad. It doesn't quite make sense, you this mad it doesn't it doesn't quite make sense you know and so then it's like i think they've been influenced to think a certain way by these dumb algorithms it's kind of fun to be upset about things too

one of the one of the things about like being into anything left wing or right wing stuff is like when you get into it it's fun yeah other people are into it's fun too when when you got action shit's happening you're yelling at each other you know you go into that fucking facebook every day what the fuck these assholes have to say about the first amendment today right you know you want to get worked up yeah but you proved at least on youtube that if you just gravitate towards positive things like most of my youtube feed is like mma fights and pool matches i watch a lot of pool pro pool like my my and muscle cars my my youtube feed is pretty it's it's pretty much what i look for i don't look for a lot of shit i look to youtube for fun only i'm not trying to learn does it still hit you with shit that you're like

oh what is this about yeah occasionally they sneak some gossipy stuff in there some celebrity stuff in there you know weird weird ones get in that don't seem to make sense. I don't understand why. But I don't use Facebook. That's the most evil one. I use it in the sense that it's connected to my Instagram, but I don't actually use it. I don't get in there. I don't read it.

There's a little controversy this week that Instagram is going to take the likes away from viewing. Yeah, I heard about that. It's going to take the likes away from viewing. Yeah, I heard about that. It's going to take the likes away from public viewing. You can't see how many likes you got for a post anymore. Can you see how many views? You can see it all, but I can't see how many likes you got.

If you put up a picture and your picture got 40,000 likes, I can never see that. Wow. So they can still make their money off it, but everyone else won't get into a contest of like speculation is that it's going to drive advertising dollars into giving money directly to instagram instead of people being able to advertise those fucks those fucks i don't know if that's really what it is but if you were an instagram right and you had people making

tons of money off your platform just by posting things hey this is my new butt cream or whatever the fuck you're selling yeah and they don't even get a piece of that they got to be like hey what are we doing we're spending a million dollars a month in fucking bandwidth probably way more than that actually and you've way more than that they have videos and shit too you could upload videos it's got to be millions in bandwidth for every month and they're not getting none of that i get it though people go there they get to mine other ads it's they still monetize but you'll be able to show like if you if you have you know like a if you have a screenshot of your phone you can do that i also think that it's going to de-incentivize people to like photos

exactly because you don't see you're making difference. Who's made more money than those butt doctors because of Instagram? If you look at the percentage of uptick in revenue, butt doctors, guys who just specialize in butt jobs, Instagram made them,

they put them on the map. These dudes out there with butt doctor houses. They were having to do pot prescriptions. And now suddenly they're into money and butts. Those guys are the best. Dude, do you know there's a theory that I think is true that women are just hotter these days because they're always on the verge of being on Instagram. So even to go to the supermarket, they're putting makeup on. They're putting nice clothes on.

They're always looking their best because if they run into a friend, they might get uploaded. This is a tough time to be frumpy. Yeah. If you're a gal, there's a lot of competition out there, and a lot of these hoes go for it. They go for it. They're pulling their panties aside at 38% of their pictures. I mean, there's a lot of strong lot of like strong competition out there now. They're changing the bar.

And this is, by the way, for sure, one of the reasons why prostitution is illegal. Why? One of the reasons why prostitution is illegal, it would completely flip relationships on its head. If guys didn't need to have a relationship to have sex,

just sex, and relationships were only love. Sex dolls, yeah. But you can go, no, get sex from a woman for money, just like you can get a hand job or just like you can get a massage, rather, you can get a hand job. Yeah. Like, how can they massage your head if they can't massage your dick? Yeah.

Well, if they could, there would be so, people would change what they want out of a relationship. It would be different. People would change what they want out of a relationship. Yeah. It would be different. You would... There would be... It would be way... Like, any woman...

I'm not saying that all women are like this, but any woman... No, all women, it's okay. Any woman that is sexually manipulative, where, like, she withholds sex from her man if he doesn't do certain things... That goes away. That goes away. Dude, my friends in Bangkok, when I met people in Bangkok, they were like, they don't play those...

The regular women here, the non-working woman right they don't play that game right because they know it doesn't exist dude i can just walk down the street right like a bodega in new york they're everywhere and just find a woman yeah so this like i'll make him wait and that way it's like shut up with that yeah you're interested just go for it the problem is shame for the girl that's the fucking problem if there's no shame for the girl if you didn't if no one really cared if she hooked up with you on a one-night stand it turns out she fucked your cousin a month ago no one cared that's almost gone it's almost gone yeah it is almost gone right it's changing yeah it's not conversations people didn't talk about this shit when we were

kids you had to figure it out on your own it's so casual now dude nobody taught you about jerking off nobody taught you about drinking nobody taught you what to do in a relationship those are the three most confusing fucking things and you're just guessing yeah guessing can i make a psa real quick for all the children who are going to start drinking uh your parents are never going to teach you about alcohol use uh there's a thing called coasting when you have a few drinks you can switch to water if you're feeling drunk you're gonna throw up if you keep drinking like a child but you're a child right so you don't get how to do it yet you gotta coast one water one beer one water one beer and then you'll have a great time don't have too many

don't have if you're gonna drink and i don't advise anyone under 21 to drink because that's illegal but if i was gonna advise them i would say have two drinks don't have more than two two will fuck you up man okay. Don't be that guy. You're for sure going to get drunk, but just limit it to drunk. If you're 16 years old, maybe 16, I'm talking about 18 or 19. Two shots of Jack Daniels will put you in a fucking goofy mood. I would say wherever you're at,

if you're feeling good, just stop for a while. Stop for a while. It's hard, though. You still got more going down, too. The problem is you lose your inhibitions. They go out the window, and then you're having fun. You want to have more fun. You'll have more fun if you switch up Coca-Cola.

Shots, shots, shots, shots. All right, I got a shot. Yeah. Next thing you know, you got Bert on the table. He's got his butt cracked. You're underneath it. He's pouring asshole shots

that he's telling us about. It's the shots because you can have two or three of those in four minutes. And get blasted instantaneously. And then suddenly you're like, what happened?

You're mainlining alcohol right to the old hatch. shot you feel it like like instantly like whoa you're ready to throw up you still got two more shots that haven't hit you yet that's what's up you know what else is up our fears are going to be with me at the improv tonight at 10 30 sold out show fuckers that'll be great oh yeah it's gonna be a good time i heard those shows are good diaz is on the first show oh really yeah nice fun times um can i ask my special fuck yeah i'm finally doing my special yes and which which theater did you choose the skirball center in new york we talked a lot about it i'm so glad yeah the bat because tell everybody the whole jet the whole you went on a little journey there trying to figure out where to go. Yeah, trying to find a venue. I went, I was, it's a lot about Judaism, my upbringing, you know. Fucking do that, comedy club funny, be done with that shit.

Yeah. You know, so that's what I've been working on for a while. Yeah, it's been a couple of years, right? It's been a couple, the longest one, two and a half years. But it's also the first one that you did like a theme. And it's essentially, so what you did did was like there's a lot of guys who do that i've never been to edinburgh but that festival is like that's how it is right oh my god and it's like a lot of people who do themes yeah they come in so you decided to do a theme

but to do this theme with american style stand-up yeah that's exactly it dude yeah that's exactly it yeah the first i went two years i went with my storytelling show one year and then I was like, my plan was to go show them what a fucking American hour was, which is my last special. Just like, Hey, here's your standup. You fucking fools trying to do some fucking higher thing where you're like

tying it all together, but they're not funny. Right. They do like 20 minutes of unfunny. And so I was like, everybody here, I'm giving you an American hour. And it was just that. And then the next year, the plan was, and it became two so I was like, everybody here, I'm giving you an American hour. And it was just that. And then the next year

the plan was, and it became two years later, was like, now I'll do one of your stupid fucking theme hours, but I'm not going to do it where I'm just fucking serious for 20 minutes. It's ridiculous. Is that what they do? They really do, and I don't get it. I don't get why you have to I get the theme. I don't get why you have to stop being funny.

It's all theater shit. Did you see Hannah Gadsby? I didn't see her live she was there the year i was off nanette nanette yeah i thought that was her name i thought her name is the show's called hannah gatsby i fucked it up you didn't see it i didn't see it live the people i know saw it live was like in the room they're like damn it was like pretty powerful because that shit goes at edinburgh so people see four or five shows a day for five days in a row and she's so but her thing a lot of is not funny some of it's funny but a lot intentionally not funny yes she

was these guys in england of the not funny part that was like legit powerful stuff where you're like fuck you're caught up in the emotion but a lot of them is just forcing in and i've seen people doing my storyteller show like forcing in some like lesson or something. It's like, dude, it's not there. It's okay. You can just have a fun story. Right, right, right,

right. Forcing in lessons is gross. I always like the moth, which I'd like them off, but like, what's the moth? The moth is a storytelling series. Um,

um, Mikey D did one on there about, about maybe about getting AIDS. Oh, like to Stefano. Um, and about his aunt or something, but usually it was like comics

did it was just funny and then when normals did it they were like they would have something they be like that's not just the day i lost my watch that's the day i lost my innocence oh boy so they just got over dramatic yeah and that's what they do in edinburgh a lot some of them are really good right but that theme thing was that and i was like i want to do that better when you say american style stand-up i almost wish i wasn't an american stand-up so i could fucking wholeheartedly agree with you i mean it's not we're just 15 years ahead it's but i wish i wasn't an actual american stand-up so i could have oh that'd be way more non-opinionated point in this because when i hear people say like america's not where the best stand-ups are i'm

like you're out of your mind you're out of your mind of course it is it's fine they're doing great I have a non-opinionated point on this. Because when I hear people say, like, America's not where the best stand-ups are. I'm like, fuck you. You're out of your mind. You're out of your mind. Of course it is. It's fine. They're doing great. They started behind us. I'm sure a lot of you are out there in New Zealand and Florida and other countries.

Florida's not America. Australia. Anywhere you're at. There's good stand-ups there. Some of you are a genius. And some of you are amongst the best in the world. world doesn't disqualify you from being amongst the best in the world but if you want to say that there's not a greater number of hilarious fucks female and male in america a way disproportionate number you're out of your fucking mind the

greatest ones are here you're out of your mind it's not even close it's not even it's there's no race yeah it's doesn't mean you're not awesome. It's a non-starter. Yeah, right, exactly. There's a lot of great comics other places. But overall, they're just like behind us. Take us completely out of the equation. Take our friends out of the equation.

Yeah. This place is filled with assassins. It's filled with assassins. This is a wild west. This whole country is built on fucking rebels. Well, especially now with the internet. I mean, you can become a legit national act with no one's help like andrew like schultz is doing yeah dude he is doing everything everything

through youtube he's selling out theaters he's murdering it you don't need anybody anymore these fucking killers like him all these assassins he's turned a corner too people talk about it and like not about draw but just about like his material on stage yeah he's working at it he's a funny fuck man he's a smart dude but the thing is like these guys they're they're blossoming now there's a bunch of them man they're all over the place yeah yeah it's pretty great fucking it's a great time to be a comic it really is it really is and people get so worked up too which is also fun it's just a fun time overall people definitely get more mad than they ever have before but they also get happier that you're willing to push the envelope oh yeah because it's a little bit of danger again we talked about this it's fucking dangerous again

it's great yeah you said that to me on the phone once i'll never forget that i was driving home you're like i love it comedy's dangerous again you might get written off if you say the wrong thing like i think i can go a little darker and they're like nope you're done like whoa we'll never be written off to each other exactly we're fine but that's the If you say the wrong thing, like, I think I can go a little darker. And they're like, nope, you're done. Like, whoa, you got me. Here's the thing, though. We'll never be written off to each other. No, exactly. We're fine.

But that's the reason why we can kind of, we have freedom that maybe people in, for sure, TV shows don't have. Oh, yeah. They don't have any freedom. They don't have any freedom. Well, none. But also, right, they can take away a level of money we can make. But, like, they can't take away

the ability to do stand-up no unless every club says we won't book you or even the workout clubs won't have you guys just still do stand-up right which is like the main thing yes yes and you just have a few clubs that'll be like yeah we're never gonna fucking get rid of him for anything he says but yeah if and also the fans like if you did something i mean it would have to be horrible shit had to be real life shit yeah you'd have to murder somebody yeah yeah do you think oj could do stand up for sure oh my god how do we make that happen we could get tony to write for him oh for sure he's naturally charismatic I think he's friends with Norm. Yeah.

I think Norm MacDonald, maybe, I shouldn't say friends, like Norm knows him. And I think Norm has actually talked to him about doing his podcast. Really? Yes. Do you know how epic that would be? That would be crazy. I want to show you something that Stan wrote a long time ago, now that we're talking about this.

If Norm had- If Norm coached him? OJ Simpson on his podcast. Hey, juice. were talking about this if norm had if norm coached him oj simpson on his podcast hey juice it's just norm has this norm has whatever the fuck the opposite of having a filter is it's not having no filter he's just got like like weird crazy shit's gonna come out of his mouth he doesn't give a fuck did you see the um did you see the um uh sasha baron cohen with oj no i did not oh you gotta watch it he interviews oj yeah i know i know i didn't see it oh it's the

best and he's just this italian guy and he's like i mean you gotta watch but he's like all right yeah no it has some assistant women you know i wish i could kill them but i guess i cannot and the guy's like oh she's like all right man no no no whoa oh he gets him oh he's just so convincing he's so ballsy. Yeah. To be able to do that shit in front of, right in front of those people, they don't even know what's happening. Yeah.

And they've signed up. Yeah. Here, read this. This is what I mean by like, they can't ever take it all away from us. Cause you have clubs like this, the stand. This is when I got one of my e-rages. Everyone calling the stand, posting hateful messages and emailing hate speech to us. Everyone calling the stand, posting hateful messages and emailing hate speech to us.

We never respond to such irresponsible protests. Despite what you feel about Ari Shafir, we have the right to book or hire anyone regardless of their views on religion, race, or politics. Ari is a comedian and a performer just because you view his creations as something that is not humorous but hate speech. That is your opinion. Harassing our establishment will not deter us from booking Ari to perform at the stand. I love this. morally wrong, but is viewed as a crime, we will find out what special interest group this is and press charges if this continues. That is all. Damn. That's our public post.

That's what everyone else is backing down. It's like, well, it's a tough time right now. You'll always have a few clubs like that that are like, get the fuck away. We're not doing that. So you'll always have a place to perform. Thank God. Thank God. Yeah.

Thank Odin. Praise Zeus. Yeah. Yeah, yeah man we need them we need people like the store we need we need places that you know in some clubs they don't recognize that they used to admit he would do this they used to like write um like full letters about paul mooney complaining about him and we were like what do you do and she was like call paul read it to him and then decide if he wants the letter or not um tell the people who complained that he's going to be severely punished that's what you do we would call paul we just laugh about he goes read again read it again i love this and we read it back because you want to go safe for my day yeah

and then uh and then we call the person we'd be like okay he's been docked for two weeks he won't be here here's four free tickets to the comedy store and we're hoping that they'd be like, okay, he's been docked for two weeks. He won't be here. Here's four free tickets to the Comedy Store. And we're hoping that they'd be there when he was there again. And of course, he was never told not to show up. Oh my God.

But like, there were idiots back then too. It's hilarious. Always. There's always people that complain. You know what I love

looking at Yelp reviews when I find someone that's like a one star for a restaurant that I know is good. I'll find one star and then I'll read the review and I'm like,

let me check out this dude's profile. It's full of hate full of hate oh my god everything sucks everything sucks every waiter's rude every fucking food is cold white house more like the off-white house wash it some people are just twats yeah they're just you know did you see that new york times review they gave um uh the fucking fucking Brooklyn Steakhouse that we love. What the hell is it called? Peter Luger's. They gave Peter Luger's one star.

One star. Remember? We just went there. Yeah, it was great. It was fucking amazing. Oh, my God. It's amazing. It's amazing.

Dude. Those potatoes. They gave it one star. Come on. Three stars. And you're like, wow, maybe something happened. I don't know. It's smart.

Because look, if you're a provocateur slash journalist, and I know how and you're like, wow, maybe something happened. I don't know. It's smart. Because look, if you're a provocateur slash journalist and I know how much you love trolls, that's what that guy did. He took one of the most delicious restaurants of all time and he made a one-star rating. It's either that or he's a moron. So either he's really clever

or he's got to be a twat. He shows up on top of Google when you search Peter Luger review too. Used to sizzle, now it sputters. One star, top i can count on peter lucas take us and book them to produce certain sensations and then i don't know well it's a very very popular restaurant right there's a giant waiting list last time we were there we we luckily weaseled in and had to grease some palms but it's a fucking sweet spot ian diaz went when diaz was in town he was like get a reservation i get like you're out of your mind you can't get one

and so we had my manager assistant call and say we're part of Obama's staff we'll be there they said we could do 315

and that's it. Oh my god part of Obama's staff that's hilarious that's hilarious the food's there it's fucking amazing man

it's so good you're not doing that for a one star restaurant you cunt that's not one star that's a troll you're absolutely right that's more just he's just trying to get this out of us he's one of those writers there's certain writers that are just trying to be

assholes with everything they do they love being assholes they love accentuating the art form of being an asshole an art form of being an articulate asshole when you're an asshole with good you know how to say the you know put the right words in the right order what just sounds juicy and pops and makes you seem terrible but when you're doing that over something like peter luger's like you lose that all that one star means that's not what one star means no what one star means is you go in your face you go to the olive garden And the fucking guy Works behind the counter Has heroin problems It's actually zero stars

Zero They didn't even give it a one It was a zero star Oh that's hilarious There's no zero stars That's hilarious One is the lowest Not today

Come on that's hilarious That's hilarious That's a photoshop Of course Is that really No you can't do one You can't do zero stars It's a photoshop

It's a troll See that's It's more showing That this guy's trolling And he Look we're talking about him It's great He's a smart guy let's uncover him though and we uncovered him look but yeah it took some work he knows what he's doing if you want to make a fucking splash in the restaurant review business in 2019 that's what you do yeah you can't go positive

with shitty places that won't work you're negative with great places. Negative. You know how you all love this? Well, I hate it. I shit in your mouth. Yeah. I mean, he was talking about the steak not being flavorful. What are you talking about? You're out of your fucking mind. If they dropped it on the floor and picked it up on the way, it's still a two star.

He's bullshitting. It's so good. He's bullshitting. And we're all buying it. Hook good he's bullshitting and they're all buying it hook line we're like a bass right now like this he absolutely got us he got us hook in the jaw i'm fighting against the drag it's so much more fun to be angry it's like well let me finish telling you my special oh you're special okay so since it was this whatever this theme thing i was like we should do it in a synagogue.

There's this place that I was like, this works because it's like a performance space that was a synagogue. And then they didn't want me to do it because of my material. And then we kept trying to find new synagogues that would let me do it. The one that would be good for performance and then also that would let me do it. And they were all like, no fucking way. Some of them are like, do you have Holocaust jokes? I'm like, yes. And they're like, no fucking way. Some of them are like, do you have Holocaust jokes? I'm like, yes. And they're like, no.

My dad just survived. I can say whatever the fuck I want. Or do I have to be one? No, I think you can say whatever the fuck you want. If I say it in front of him, anyway. Your dad is a fucking Holocaust survivor. That's right. This is a real thing.

I mean, the Holocaust was a real thing. It's not a deal with it as a people. Yeah, that's the thing it's like that's one of the rare things where only jews can talk about it in that way i mean anybody can talk about anything right but only jews can talk about the holocaust from a position of hey that was my family that was killed that was my dad who was in the fucking concentration camp yeah you can give some seriousness too but like yeah i'll do it the way i want to do it the only people that can say that that that is my family are the people that were our jews yeah the only people so if anybody the armenians got fully wiped out dude the i mean not only did our meat there's plenty of them

go to glendale but i not only did the armenians have a genocide but there was a denial of their genocide like a serious denial of their genocide more than the jew ones yeah yeah like open and recent like not that not that long ago people were still denying the armenian genocide yeah so that's a very touchy one with them man i didn't know about until manny gambirian uh told me about it yeah they hate the turks well they hate the people who massacred their ancestors they also just hate the turks we think so yeah at this point they're probably not delineating isn't it weird that ah fuck all yeah is turkey not turkey to them is that one of them countries like japan is nippon right like we're like nah don't like it japan there's a few

countries i think greece is not greece i don't believe they call it greece israel israel it's close enough yeah it's close enough greece is not greece i don't believe greece is greece mexico is mexico or close yeah that's close enough but what is the iceland's probably not iceland they have a whole different language maybe right yeah what is iceland but what. But what is the- Iceland's probably not Iceland. They have a whole different language. Maybe, right? Yeah, what is Iceland? But what is Greece in their language? What's the word?

I might have made that up. Let's see if I made that up. Let's see. My brain is falling apart lately. Anyway, my special is February 8th. Stop taping it. February 8th. It's a hard question to Google.

Is it? Yeah. Why? Well, what is 8th. It's a hard question to Google. Is it? Why? What is Greece called in Greece? In Greek. I know, but that's not... Okay. What's the hard question to Google? What is the real name of the country Greece?

Okay. I was trying the turkey thing, and it's too close to Thanksgiving. Oh. Turn off your safety. Turn on your hotline. Greece. What is... What is Greece?

What is the country Greece... Called in Greece. What is the real name of the country Greece? Greece. The real name of the country Greece? What is it? The ancient or modern name of the country is Hellas or Hellada. Hellada.

The official name is the helenic republic wow that's better than greece it's tougher it's not something you put on an axle it's not something you mix up with dancing yeah greece is the word is the word that's better helenic republic republic yeah so so that's one we fucked that one up i'm pretty sure we fucked up turkey i don't think they call Turkey Turkey. Germany is Deutschland, right? Deutschland, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Turkey adopted it. They took it. They adopted its official name, known in English as the Republic of Turkey. I bet the butterball industry bribed them. That's probably some cross-promotion with Kellogg's. That's hilarious. Remember when Kazakhstan got mad at LE at leg fucking real mad at him yeah real mad at him furious that he was making so mad just made everybody happier dude that borat movie is one of my

favorite movies ever that was one of the best one of the best comedies so good it's so good it's up there it's so damn it was funny so good you go's up there. It's so good. God damn, it was funny. So good. You go back and watch it today, and you're like, what in the fuck, man? I haven't seen it in a while. And again, that guy, he's just so good at fucking with people. He's so good at keeping a straight face while all this madness is going on. Remember when he shit in the bag and was handing it to one of the people in the house in Georgia? Do you remember that?

Yeah, at the end oh my god he's like do you know he fell asleep he fell asleep in that house in georgia like a plantation house he's trying to get rid of racists around them and then he fell asleep because they were drinking wine there was like a wine plantation he fell asleep and what they were like he's gonna wake up he's not gonna know what character's in like the people with him oh my god and then he didn't know what to do but then he woke up and he was just like right into it wow like saw where he was like so he oh my god that's hilarious yeah got blasted woke up drunk still realized he was borat yeah that's funny man him with donald trump back in the day when he was ollie g did you ever see the ollie j movie you ever see the ollie g movie he made a movie that was only available in the UK. I actually bought a special VHS player just to play it.

Really? Yeah, because it was one of those ones that was – There used to be two formats. No, VHS. There used to be two formats of VHS. There was a format that they used over in the UK, and there was a format that we use here. And they're not compatible.

And you have to either get a universal player, one that plays all formats, or you had to get a separate one so i went and got one that plays both but i got it specifically just like the ology tv shows too used to be able to buy the tv shows online in dhs oh those are great the ones from england yeah dude i'm telling you man this fucking movie is great it's so silly especially if you're high it's really funny it's really fun and i heard people tell me it's terrible i'm like dude i don't talk to me i fucking laughed entirely through this movie it's if you're if you're a stoner this is an outstanding movie what is it called ollie g in the house it's from 2002

dude it's so good it's a lost gem it's one of those is that the dude from the office um i don't remember the dude that was with him the white guy probably yeah maybe i don't remember in the british office yeah i think it was a hitchhiker's guy either way yeah it's damn all right it's fucking great it's fucking great it's really funny man really funny there's a dog licking his balls this is ridiculous this is fun you ever see uh tom green's shitty amazing movie yes uh freddy got fingered yeah oh god that was funny there's some funny moments in that movie they call that the worst there was another one star they call that the worst movie of all time.

And then you finally watch it, and you're like, this is legitimately funny. It's funny shit. Funny shit. It's like real laughs. That's another one, if you watch it today, you'd be laughing hard. Yeah. Especially if you're a stoner. Remember when the baby was on the umbilical cord and he's swinging it around the room?

At the end, he lands with his house in the desert somewhere. It kind of should already be over, and he's still going. And then everyone's greeting him. Him and his dad, like Rip Torn or something, they're greeting him. And one of the signs says, why is this movie still going? His whole fucking show was crazy. That show was amazing. That was an amazing show.

God damn. Yeah. It was the best. You'd never seen anything like that jackass he took same time god damn yeah there's a lot of people taking serious risks on tv back then yeah you know yeah how about um what's his face um um the fucking god God damn it. The X experience. What is his name? That does the fucking, the guy who would do the pranks on people and put makeup on and shit.

Get there. Jamie Kennedy experiment. Jesus Christ. How am I not getting Jamie Kennedy out of my mouth? Weed. My tolerance, that whole month off, my tolerance is through the fucking floor. Yeah. I have nothing.

I was smart this time. I went into it going like, give me some like 14 this is 40 whatever this is that goddamn kevin smith shit he gets obliterated all day um jamie kennedy had a great show yeah that jamie kennedy experiment experiment is that what it was experiment yeah that was a great fucking show he had some holy how about the one where he talked those guys into being gay chippendales dancers remember he did some good stuff. I don't remember that one. It was Guys Gone Nuts.

Yeah. It was like he was a sleazy producer, and he was telling these guys that they were going to be in this new show called Guys Gone Nuts. And then eventually, it got further down the line. He made them dance and stuff. But then eventually, it got further down the line where they were going to have to do gay stuff. And he was getting them on film saying how much gay stuff they wanted to do

it was it was legitimately ridiculous and he's this sleazy promoter treating them like they're you know male prostitutes it's very funny it was very. And it's another one that's real. These are not actors. Do you remember he got Holtzman to wipe his feet? No, I don't. He said he was a king. He was playing a king. Or a Saudi prince. Holtzman was just somebody he got. So Holtzman was like an actor for it?

No. No? No. Holtzman had no idea this was happening. Yeah. He wiped the guy's feet because he thought the guy was a king? Eventually it was like, in my country, you're supposed to wipe somebody's feet and he had holtzman who used to open mics with him oh my god so holtzman didn't know yeah just full makeup the accent the makeup's amazing and then

he's wiping his feet and then he's just like wow those guys who put that crazy latex shit on your face when they can give you a fake nose and fake cheeks like you can't tell you can't tell especially not someone with vision problems. Yeah. And for that, I'm looking for it. Yeah. You ever hear about Jim Carrey after Man on the Moon? No.

He got those people that did the makeup for him to look like. Andy Kaufman. Andy Kaufman and Zamuda. Right. Tony Clifton, right? Yeah. Yeah. He got them to make him up as whatever, and the rumor is that I heard.

So I obviously have no idea. I love rumors. Put him up in just makeup. And then he drove a cab around and drove fares around. Just so we could hear what people are actually saying when they don't know it's Jim Carrey in the room. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah, I could see when you become someone like Jim Carrey, it's got to be weird as fuck.

He probably wanted to go on a little vacation with a fake face. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If it was really easy to do, if it didn't take hours to apply. Yeah. You probably want to do that just to see how everybody treats you. Just be normal? Yeah.

That's great. What a good idea. Especially if you're that big. You can't go anywhere in the world. Well, he's also now, he's become some new thing, right? Psychedelic. Yeah. He's not really uh

an actor anymore he paints and talks about things and he's into psychedelics way in like everything he talks about is like he doesn't mention the psychedelics he's still in stuff he's in that new sonic the hedgehog movie yeah i think he's still doing stuff tv show recently too what is it sonic the hedgehog is he a voice he's like the bad guy oh the voice no he's a he's an actual human yeah yeah oh okay oh so it's a live movie yeah it got a big controversy but trailers came out today that's why i was and he was on a tv show like a year ago are the nerds mad that's a movie they were mad yeah of course they're mad they can't be happy that they're making sonic into a movie and getting jim carrey one of the biggest actors in the world. They're taking it seriously.

Yeah. When would the nerds be okay when they hear movies coming out? They're never okay with anything. Batman, the first Batman with Michael Keaton, they were I don't know. I remember when there was one of the biggest controversy I ever heard about a role was when they were going to have Tom Cruise play

in Interview with the Vampire. Really? Yeah, when he was the lead. He was Lestat. Why? Because it was a beloved book? Anne Rice did not want Tom Cruise to play Lestat. This is like this super intense character and these excellent books.

You ever read those books? Uh-uh. They're very good. And she had this vision for what her vampire king character was like. What she wanted. The lead in the vampire. She wanted someone who was just more depth and intelligence and just someone who had more layers.

And she felt like Tom Cruise is like Top Gun. You know what I mean? Yeah. He's like Color of Money. But that little crazy fuck can act his ass off. What was that? He can act his fucking ass off. And he was really good in that movie.

I mean, he fucking nailed it. ass off what was that he can act his fucking ass off and he he was really good in that movie i mean he fucking nailed it like when he's like an angry vampire in that movie and he's yelling at that little girl you're like holy shit like i'm buying this madness he's he was excellent he's good for a long time oh he's good dude he's fucking great he's crazy as fuck but he's great yeah he's gotta be you know he's hook line sinker sinker with the fucking sci-fi religion but his religion but his that's what it is yeah but his acting is fucking still he can go for it man he knows um those what is that edge of tomorrow there was that's the one where he lives over and over and over again people had already given up

on for the movie or two before and then that movie came out nobody saw it but it was so fucking good so good that movie is so good and every one of the most underrated in the same day over and over again and every time i'd be like no because they would do this and then they would cover that like oh yeah okay you're right yeah it's amazing i've been on rabbit holes for youtube i've been on a rabbit hole of Groundhog Day. It's like same thing, living the same day over and over again. One of them was,

how long did Bill Murray spend day after day? It was a total amount of time. What was a total amount of time? They think it's around, because they were like, it's death. He had to do it this many times. Bowling a perfect game,

all these different things. They said about 30 years. Whoa. Of living the same day over and over again you don't always used to think yeah and then you would do everything yeah as i was getting older one of the things i thought was like why do why do i have this expectation that at some point in time a person stops learning and growing like i never expected people in their 60s like being better people and learning more they're done yeah they're done whoever that guy is he's done because people do stop right but but why so my thought was like why do i have these expectations for people instead of just being open-minded i almost assume that when people hit a certain age they're fucking done

they they throw in the towel but but you do meet some people who don't do that, right? Who are like taking an art class. Somebody's mom or grandmother that's like, oh, I'm learning archery. It's like, well, that's cool. When Bourdain was 58 and he started getting seriously fucking into jujitsu, like seriously into jujitsu, I was like, look at you, motherfucker. I love it. That's how you, I mean.

Like loved it and went for it. Like taking lessons, private lessons every day for an hour and then training and rolling with people for an hour every day wow really seven days a week like heroin like how he was it used to be addicted to heroin he got addicted to jujitsu all in developed a six-pack got jacked dude jacked there's a picture of him walking down the street in in italy full-on six-pack yeah i mean you're looking like this is the guy that i used to know that was on high he was on um high cholesterol medication he was on statins because of his diet because he's on the road drinking wine eating fucking this and that and fatty foods and a lot of sugar and just drinking whatever the fuck

he wants right yeah and then he's and he got fat you know not fat like a big fat guy but he definitely developed like a little belly then boom yeah that's what i'm saying he looks like dan bozarian dude he got into jiu-jitsu and completely transformed his body lost all the weight stopped eating sugar started eating and stopped eating carbs started eating really healthy cut way back on the drinking and developed a goddamn legitimate six-pack super healthy it's gonna live forever i think that's a nine that's a seven pack that bottom one is a solid one oh yeah so you got one two three four five six seven that's a seven pack people always like to say eight pack but i don't ever see a separation in that bottom one you gotta be like some kind of turtle person you know yeah yeah it's like a long way it's the tan line point is the dude

transformed his fucking body completely he's throwing a lot of dick root there though i'm not happy about that i mean it's low i think he like bought those shorts like 20 pounds ago no maybe it could be that where'd you get that ball when did i get that ball oh um who brought that in oh dave leduc yeah who's dave leduc dave leduc is a uh let's way champion he's uh he fights in the most brutal form of stand-up striking with a headbutt and they really soccer kick each other on the way down and where do you get that thailand probably he got it or burma in uh i think it was myanmar myanmar burma yes yeah dude they play these games there he showed us the volleyball games yeah that's it's the best yeah oh my god crazy right they they get above the net with just their leg yeah it's and they play first of all barefoot most of the time i saw a guy play

a one-on-three for money oh Oh, my God. He was amazing. Is that good? Yeah. And these other guys were just laughing about it. They were trying to like, fuck. He was spiking it. Spikes it down. With his foot?

Yeah. That was my second day in Yangon. You're seeing this stuff. And you're like, how are they doing this? And barefoot on concrete. I've seen it only on a dirt floor that they're barefoot. That's a lot of dirt. Barefoot on concrete, too? Wow.

Jesus Christ. It's nuts. That is crazy. It's so cool. It's one of the coolest games i've ever seen well and they keep it going they have circles where they just get going and like yeah they do the kick this i mean i'm sure you talked about it they do this is fine i get that but when it goes over your head doing this so they hit this straight and know how to pop it right back up right i've tried it a hundred times at best i can do is kick it that way. I think it's one of those things that if your body doesn't develop

throwing your legs around like that, it's really hard to do. That was the thing about Taekwondo. When I was teaching, you would get people that were in their 30s. It was really hard for them to learn it, really hard for them to get good so they can whip their leg around. But if you get those little kids when they're like five and six

and you get them to teach them how to whip their legs into things. Yeah. Here they go. Oh my God, they're so good.

One verse three. Oh, this is the one. Well, I don't know if it's the one you saw, but this is a Yeah, you can use your head. One verse three guy. Well, this seems like

these guys are fucking it up. Well, they're also Americans. Oh, they're Americans that are trying to play. They're playing good though. Oh my God, look at him. Oh, he fucked up. Well, they're also Americans. Oh, they're Americans that are trying to play? They're playing good, though. Oh, my God. Look at him. Oh, he fucked up.

Oh, you fucked up, loser, dork. He's wearing a fucking helmet. No, it's a bandana. This is a wild game, though, man. Very difficult to do. Oh, he's getting shot. Ha ha. You got beaten.

You're not better than everyone. Yeah. Stupid. Would not be the best. Killer game. Yeah. Oh, man. If you could learn that,

how to whip your legs around like that when you're like eight or nine years old, as you get older, you'll maintain that sort of leg dexterity. Yeah. I sent one of those back. I have one of those in my apartment. Oh, really?

Yeah, I sent it back. I took it from Myanmar to Thailand and then I was like, I need to send this to myself. Back in New York? Yeah. And they're like, all right, we can get it there in two days. I'm like, no, I don't need it there. I'm like, slower than that.

What's cheaper? They're like, I mean, a week? I'm like, dude, I'm in no rush. I won't be there for months. We can get you there in three months for $4. And I'm like, yup, that's the one. No rush on this. That's the deal? Three months for $4? It was so like yup that's the one no rush that's the deal three

months it was like so slow it was by mule or something and i was like i'm not there so go ahead somebody mule did away by mule meaning someone stuffed it in the whole fucking box it's a weird game it's that's one where like you need a certain specific kind of athleticism. Yeah. If someone is an outstanding basketball player or a football player, you're not going to be good at that, right? That's not just pure athleticism. That's a weird leg dexterity skill.

Oh, my God. How do they do it? I mean, think about what I can throw a lot of crazy kicks. I can't do what those guys are doing. No. I don't know how to do that. I can kick over my head. I can do a split. crazy kicks. I can't do what those guys are doing. No. I don't know how to do that. I can kick over my head. I can do a split.

Really? A lot of wild shit still. You have to learn to kick forward. Yeah, yeah. You'd have to learn how to jump up and you're whipping down and kicking the thing down. Yeah, you are trying to get a leg up, but it's up and they kick the foot. I think you'd have to be crazy flexible, too. It looks like you've got to be crazy flexible.

I'm watching their legs fly up. There's no resistance at all. Most people have a lot of resistance when you try to lift your leg up they're doing it all the time all the time yeah when are you doing your next special i don't think i'm thinking about it good i'm right now just writing yeah just enjoying performing and uh when i get the the bug when it feels like this is, this is there. I want to, you know, I was thinking about, I actually talked about this with Malcolm Gladwell in the last podcast. I was quoting Jeselnik. Jeselnik, he has a three-year process.

He does it in the clubs just around L.A., develops an hour. Workout rooms. Then he takes it on the road in clubs, and then he takes it on the road the next year in theaters. So it's a three-year process. Like that might be the way to go. Yeah, Louie had that with, but not in the three-year just like in the when he was doing them like you know he's doing one year four months yeah he was doing he was doing a new special in a year yeah which i guess

you could if that's all you did and you just really dug into it but i think things need time to cook also i find there's some times where it's like i watch a tell a lot in new york he's like the best i was just saying that to malcolm gladwell too really he was the guy that i said if there's one person who's like at a super elite level where he doesn't get enough love it's david tell and it's like you see him on a regular basis you're like jesus he's just on a level above even the highest level people yeah i don't know super dedicated to only his craft yeah he has zero promotion in him yeah and so when he does a he has a topical bit he's not thinking like well i don't have time to work on this for three weeks until people don't

know the reference anymore right um because i gotta work on a special he's not thinking that way he's like oh i got three weeks with this fucking topic right and so he hits it harder than anybody and then when people like starting to like lose the memory of the of the topic he just moves on yeah but he's constantly having fun though right and like doing new cool things he's also a guy says the best example of someone who got better when they got sober yeah yeah the best example right because nobody else does right everybody else gets sober and then they get serious and it's like oh come on yeah exactly it's a humor but anything anymore come on that's the beautiful thing about um podcasts too one of the beautiful things is that you don't have to like ideas that you have that aren't funny you don't have to bring them to the

stage they're fine on podcasts yeah yeah they fit for that yeah because remember there was like a point in time after hicks where a lot of people were trying to do bits on stage that meant something yeah yeah you see them doing that and you're like okay it's fine if you have that but like i just always feel like this like why are you not being funny why are you pushing that right and so hicks did it and honestly i don't i have the same problem with him hey how dare you it's just like it's so much not funny but but a lot funny too man a lot funny he had some funny shit and you gotta also take it in the context of the time right if you were alive back then and watching it back then it would be really funny shit you know when i saw him was like 90 yeah you gotta put in context of the time i just never got it really well i saw him was like 90 yeah you got to put in context of the time i just never got it

really well i saw him in like the first time i saw him was like 88 but were you laughing when you heard it or were you just like whoa yeah right on man both okay both i was laughing that's great and i was saying wow this guy's he's out there yeah he was like railing against capitalism and fucking tiffany in the mall with jimmy hendrix he had this crazy bit like tiffany like think i'm alone now running into jimmy hendrix at the mall yeah he just had all these like counterculture bits yeah you know a lot of it was mocking ridiculous trends in american culture he just had some very very uh unique takes on things that didn't necessarily fit with our idea of what we thought comedy was.

Like, he never thought, like, oh, yeah, you make comedy out of that, too. That's what he would do. So he was, like, making comedy out of, like, weird ideas, like anti-war ideas. And he was doing stuff that other people weren't doing. And it changed people's opinion of comedy because there was something about when Hicks would go on stage you would feel like why richard jenny said this to me richard jenny back then was the master he was great he said every time i see him i say why don't i write more shit like that that's what jenny said to me well after he saw hicks he always think wow why don't i write things because he was so deep hicks and very deep and jenny was

jenny was just funny he was just writing funny Because he was so deep, Hicks. Very deep. And Jenny was just funny. He was just writing funny things. Isn't that weird when some master looks at somebody else and is like, oh, why can't I be more like that? It's like, damn, you're not happy? Well, Jenny was never happy. Oh, yeah. Good point.

He was a guy that, for whatever reason, thought that he had to be like Seinfeld with a television show or Jim Carrey with a movie career. He had to be that. like uh seinfeld with a television show or jim carrey with a movie career he had to be that and uh he was like the most probably underappreciated stand-up in my my opinion one of the most underappreciated ones ever but definitely from his era yeah meanwhile he has all these specials that you can go watch you can watch how good the guy was and when i saw him live again in the context of the time because i saw him live and like jenny first yeah first time i saw him was

88 but i saw him a bunch of times but i saw him murder at the comedy works in montreal oh my you know that room is like 100 people max right oh that place tiny ass room upstairs he lit that fucking place on fire and i remember he was doing he was doing a bit about uh some guy trying to sell him a car some car salesman selling him a car. And I was like, this is like the most standard blah premise. How could he extract so much comedy out of someone selling him a car? But it was like a murderous bit. It was just crushing. Just punchline after punchline, bang, bang, bang.

And you're like, fuck. But again, it's like I've said this so many times about him. You got to be there in that moment stand up on tv is maybe 60 as funny as it is when you're seeing it live maybe that's why people go why are they laughing because they're there it's funnier it's funnier when you're there right comedy club is the funniest theater second arenas arena just gets crazy the arenas are weird it's like you're laughing but it's also like how many fucking people are here there's like this weird feeling to it there's an extra energy to it yeah but watching it you so you if you watch richard jenny today and you go i didn't think it was that funny listen to me you gotta be in the room you have to be in the room

and second of all we're in 2019 right this is 1990 right wow almost 30 years or 29 years i mean the first time i watched him was i think it was 92 or 93 on uh on stage at um the comedy works but the first time i saw him physically i was an open micer that was in 88 i paid to see him at catch a rising star in cambridge and it was a half-filled room. It was like a Thursday night. He was like a guy who had been on The Tonight Show. And I knew him because he had been on The Tonight Show. And you were a comic.

And I was a comic. I was maybe a week in or something like that. Yeah. And I paid to go see him. And me and my friend sat in the front row. And he made fun of me. He was excellent. But he was great.

He was great. And he was so casual and loose with like his punchlines. And I remember thinking, God damn, like this fucking guy, he's got it made. He's just traveling around the country doing standup. But he didn't think that way. He wanted to be a movie star. You look at people and you're like, you know, you would have killed for your life and you're upset about it right now. You would have killed for your life 20 years ago.

Oh, my God. I mean, forever, dude. for your life and you're upset about it right now you would have killed for your life 20 years ago oh my god i mean forever dude um what i wanted to do from the time i was a beginner in 1988 was i wanted to make a living doing comedy yeah that's the base of that everything's gravy everything's exactly it's gravy yeah listen i've lived in a shitty apartment the only thing that sucks about shitty apartments is bugs and crime roommates that's it you get used to everything you do it's fine everything it's really fine it takes like a week and then you're used to it prison may be a little different but everybody else different but if you got freedom if you're in a place as long as you're not your life's not being threatened and your fucking things aren't getting stolen all that

other stuff is mostly bullshit if your house has two bedrooms or four bedrooms you get used to it you get used to everything man you're used to everything, man. You get used to everything. You ever hear the $88,000 theory? Everything over $88,000? Yeah, it does not improve your happiness. Your happiness does improve with more money up to $88,000. That makes sense. And then it's like a new Lamborghini gives you the same happiness as a new BMW, as a new Honda.

It's like you're a new car. The thing about a Lamborghini is you can't leave it anywhere. That's the your new car. The thing about a Lamborghini is you can't leave it anywhere. You know? That's the thing about those. If you've got a stupid car like that, you don't just pull it up to the mall and park anywhere you want. You feel weird.

You know? I don't think they have to think about when they get a Lamborghini. I was driving down the Pacific Coast Highway and this guy had a Lamborghini in his driveway, but he didn't have it in his garage. He just had it parked in his driveway

and it was kind of like sticking out in the street. People are whizzing by wow wow in malibu yeah i'm like what a weird thing malibu is where these houses that are on the fucking highway like on the pacific coast highway it's a highway yeah and there's a door that's five feet from a speeding car yeah i don't know how they get the car into those driveways dude they barely get in there without dying but then how do they get out? Cars are flying by. Wow, wow.

Yeah, it's 60 and they're just turned off. Yeah. And there's a ton of bars on that fucking road. Yeah, I've driven drunk on that street. A ton.

That is a fucking bar. What? I mean, you have never driven drunk. I have allegedly never driven drunk. No, no, no, never. You've never driven drunk

on that street. When you see cars flying by. Everybody does. That's where Mel Gibson, he set the tone. We're all just following his footsteps. He went on a crazy anti-Jew rant, right?

He sure did. Yeah, it was the Jews. None of us cared. The Jews. We thought it was funny. Well, it's just the worst one was the voicemails that the wife got. The hot tub? The one who was like- You got my hot tub, you suck my dick.

Yeah, that was great. I'm a husband. You should shut up and blow me. But she felt, you know, like I didn't want to support her ability to do that. Like how does she do that? How are you allowed to do that? Do what? It should be record someone's voicemails and then play it on the internet.

Yeah. That should be like really illegal. Especially if you're married to mel gibson you know and he's drinking even now he's a fucking nice guy man i met him i came on with dr neil reardon talk about stem cells stem cells like severely helped his father his father was kept my wife's back to give me a blowjob whoa so i don't think that was on the tapes Okay I didn't listen to the whole podcast But it's like Blaming the Jews is a weird one

It is a weird one It's a weird one It seems so antiquated It's a When you're That's your go-to thing Is to blame the Jews Yeah

Mexican's taking our jobs Is a lot more obvious But what jobs? I know, I know Not that they're right But it's more like I don't agree with you Okay, I can see it.

But the Jews, it really is a throwback thing, right? It's a weird one. It's a weird one. Because it's almost always there's some sort of intoxicant or some sort of psychological issue. Yeah. It's always like when your default is go to the Jews. The Jews? How much have the Jews had an impact on your life?

I want to know. hey, hey, hey, how much have the Jews had an impact on your life? I want to know. I'm not saying that some people haven't had bad situations with people that happen to be Jewish. But I want to know, if we could have a chart, we'll show all the people that rally against the Jews, find out how many Jewish people have actually had a negative impact on your life. What is the numbers?

I bet the numbers would be pretty goddamn low. Mel Gibson would be like, the Jews are the ones who are holding my money back. They're the producers. Is that what he would say? Maybe, because I'm saying that's what the Jews he's come in contact with. Didn't he do Passion of the Christ and make some ungodly sum of money? I think he did that on a ballsy move, though. I think one of the things he did was he took ownership of the film, so he financed it. Passion Project.

Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah passion film he i think i think that's the case if i remember correctly the passion of the christ he's a very religious guy and his father is too was too yeah right right right yeah very catholic oh nazi roots no no no i think you're thinking of um schwarzenegger austria yeah maybe yeah i don't think he has nazi roots either but maybe someone in the family someone's dad right his dad his dad grandfather his dad yeah somebody might have had some questions about the holocaust i don't know if it was mel gibson's family someone's family i don't know whose family it was i remember something um i don't remember what it was but

he um so when he made passion of christ yeah he said, look, this means a lot to me. I want to do this movie. I'm going to just pump it. And he had all that loot from Braveheart. And he put his own money in? Pretty sure. Is that the case? It's a production company spent $30 million to produce this movie.

Whoa, that's a lot of money. It's a big. That's more than I'm spending on Ari Shafir Jew taping February 8th at the Skirball Center in New York. Get tickets at AriTheethegreat.com right now for tickets. That's a smooth segue. Are you doing sets

in town the week of that you're doing that? Yeah, but I'll probably do other material those nights. Oh, really? You wouldn't want to run the set like constantly?

I've been running it for so long, so many times. That's a good feeling, huh? Yeah. It's just in groove. I did it last night at the store.

I was like three days out. I was like, hey, give me a belly room or insurance like i have a main was like whatever i'll be 50 people in there yeah so yeah i'm just running the shit out of it all the time beautiful yeah that's nice that's a good place to be where you just have it down yeah yeah that's nice the skirball is a good place too well we talked about it where like some of these synagogues were like i was back in bending over too much to like make it work in a synagogue it would look cool to do it there i was worried about the sound i was worried about the the height of the ceilings this place was massive yeah beautiful synagogue and filter oh but anyway after agonizing over it they came back a week later like

we don't want you to do it oh so it didn't even matter like yeah but i already decided they probably googled you. Wolf shot there. She said they were good shows. She really liked that place. Oh, at the synagogue? No, no. Oh, Skirball.

Yeah. Yeah, so I'm excited about it. I'm really excited about it. Yeah, the Skirball's legit. That's a spot that a lot of people perform at. That's a time-tested spot. You don't have to worry about that part of it. Cool part of town, too.

Yeah, doing something on a synagogue, man, like, who knows if it's going to work? What kind of sound are you going to have? What kind of echoes are there going to be? Are the people going to get

in the audience? Is it going to be weird when it comes through on the television? Is it worth it? Is it worth it? That's what I had to agonize over. Is it worth,

what percentage worse might this be, the laughter, versus what do I gain from the look? Two of the things you talk about that I think are very important.

One is to do it in New York. I think that's huge. It's a gigantic Jewish community. It's where the Jews in America are. Yeah. I mean, Boston is like maybe second, but not as prominent. New York is where it's at. And then on top of that, like that's where you perform most of the time.

That's true, too. I know these audiences. You're super comfortable there. Yeah. And the Skirball, dude, come on, man. You can't go wrong there. Yeah, I'm pretty excited about it. It's perfect.

Because the theme, like, is self – once you get past what the theme is, people just want to hear the material. It doesn't matter if you're in a synagogue. Oh, okay. So that's what I did. Yeah. But that's what I did with this thing. So I was like, I'm going to work out all this shit, this theme stuff, in clubs in New

York and L.A. You know, just regular club sets. Funny. Follow Big J, you know, talking about some relationship in the crowd or follow some Just regular club sets. Funny. Follow Big J talking about some relationship in the crowd or follow some Bobby Lee doing whatever. I'll just do this. It has to be as funny as those guys.

With a theme. I have to make people not notice a theme. Yeah. It has to be stand-up. Yeah. It's just stand-up and then that theme is on top of it. But since it is that it's like, oh yeah. That's awesome. I know you haven't. How much material do you have top of it but since it is that it's like oh yeah that's awesome so yeah i've never worked so hard material do you i know you haven't how much material do you have outside of it

um a year ago in edinburgh a year and three months or something like that i did an add-on show after my last few shows were done were sold out that we did an add-on show in a tent and i was like this will be the next specials material i just ran all my left because i the problem is i go crazy with just this theme shit like it it's like annoying after a while right you don't want to talk about one subject well you also get like you know bits come because you get like your mind pops off you see something you see a homeless guy picking shit out of his ass you're like all right this is a bit you know or that lady's on sunset every comic at the store had a bit about that lady dancing in the street on sunset because they all felt like they just are even though she was posted up there

um things make your mind pop off so i still had that and i'm like well i gotta do this for a week you know or two or something just to get rid of that yeah and then when i'm done like i express myself shit like that then i get back to the material so november what what's the date february 8th and it's already great.com or the great.com yeah yeah so it's available right now right now i'm telling everybody right now today that's why i came out to fucking la dun dun dun yeah february 8th is what you said february 8th manhattan new york beautiful that's plenty of time you fucks get your shit together get your shit together make your plans um don't dose ari as payback either i know you're plotting i know what we'll do right before a special switch his water bottle around

that'd be crazy to get the exact same water bottle switch like an old spy are you and burke cool did everything yeah we're all right that That's right. Yeah, we're fine. Yeah. It was a tough month. Yeah. It was a rough one. It got weird. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I think the lesson is don't dose anybody. Yeah, that's definitely the lesson. I mean, definitely do give free drugs to people. But only if they ask for it. Yeah. That's more trouble than I thought it would be. Yeah. Plus, he didn't take into consideration he's on medication either.

That's the big one. I did not take into a lot of consideration. There's a bunch of issues there. Yeah. Oh, well. You live, you learn. Everything worked out. You live, you learn.

Yeah. I'm just never allowed in this home again. It's his newfound zest for life that has given him this ability to put out that promo. What drugs have you been on since the... Just pot. Just pot? Yeah. Booze?

I haven't done anything. Oh, yeah, booze. Yeah. Booze and pot. Yeah. I think me too. No. No, I took some Molly.

A little bit. Just a little bit? Yeah. Just to dance on. But that's it. How do you feel? I feel good. Yeah, me too. But I felt good sober too. Yeah a dance on. But that's it. How do you feel? I feel good. Yeah, me too.

But I felt good sober too. Yeah, me too. I enjoyed it. That's what I meant. How do you feel being sober for the month? I enjoy it. I enjoy that there's no choice. Sometimes I wanted a glass of wine with a steak, but the reality is it doesn't matter.

I don't really need it. It doesn't really make that much of a difference. But like, yeah, no, you don't need it. I mean, you can't enjoy the things out of life. Like we smoke pot here, but it's like, what if like we don't have any pot? It's like, it's all right. We'll still do the podcast. Yeah, for sure.

But we also really liked it. Yeah, we like it too. The thing about alcohol though versus pot is you pay a price. Yeah. You probably pay a price. Not for a glass of wine or two beers. No, you pay a small price for a glass of wine or two beers. Small price.

It's very small. You might not notice it. Maybe it's a quarter. Worth it. But if you have like three drinks, you pay a few dollars. You're going to lose a feeling. You're going to lose a step. Yeah.

It's a fact. It's a fact. If you get hammered, if you drink like seven, eight drinks, you get drunk, the next day you're going to feel like shit. You're not going to perform as well. That's true. But also that day, if you're with friends drinking, also feels really good. Might be worth it.

Yeah. Yeah. Having a good time with your friends, getting a little loopy. Yeah. That's a good point. That's where I miss it the most. Not in moments. I didn't miss the drug.

I missed the drug enhancing a moment that should have been. Yankee games. My brother coming to town. A glass of wine at an Italian meal. Yeah. where it's like yeah they want the one once i have the italian meal it's like oh yeah wine would be great here yeah for sure yeah it's like it's a technology they figured out how to alter your state predictably yeah with a small glass of liquid it's pretty great it's pretty amazing yeah the first few days i was struggling i passed by locked cabinets of like liquor at hotels i'm like but it's like everything else

right it's like you can abuse virtually everything that everybody enjoys whether it's food or sex or anything or electronics or anything television there's some people that watch television 12 fucking hours a day they just sit in front of the TV And watch TV all day What do you do to limit yourself on there? On TV? No on that fucking stupid thing I've been really good with it lately

What I mostly do is The one thing that I do trick myself with like I said Is those Google stories I read news stories And then I wind up reading scientific stories About fucking space And all these different things A because it's interesting And two because i'm getting to look at my phone so it's like i'm

tricking myself into saying oh this is but this is a crucial information i need to have like i can also it's because of the feeling i need to check this and check this tate said he got banned for three days instagram for something you know that shit happens he said during that time he was banned where he's like, oh, I'm banned for sure. He checked his phone like 72 times. Check his Instagram. And he's like, no, it's still banned. Like, it's just reflexively we end up going to that. Oh, wow.

Because of the lights and colors or whatever. I don't know, but. It's not good for you. The parental control, it shuts it off. After I use it for an hour, whatever you want to set it to. Yeah. My girlfriend put the code on there. Yeah.

So I can't override it. Yeah. You know? Even more if I need to. If I need to promote something big. I need to be on there all day, I would tell her to take it off. Otherwise, once I hit her now, it says you've got five minutes left. If you've got to make a post about a show, do it fucking now. And then you're done. Then it's over.

Yeah. And then I end up using it a little less because I don't want to waste that hour in case, let's say, I want to post something later. Or I want to get on there. So I want to save some time and then I end up only using it for whatever. But I need that parental control. It's very rare that I really do need to answer emails on my phone. Rarely. Very rare.

And you can do it an hour a day and just get it all done. Right. Or do it on your computer only. The only time is like, say, if you were in the middle of a deal, like you were about to sign a deal for your special and you're going back and forth with lawyers and all that. The Skirball. The Skirball, February 8th. It's called already the great.com yeah uh you can

get tickets right now but if you were gonna do that like that kind of makes sense you would check your phone during the day right but most of the time most of the time no i check it in the morning just to make sure there's not some nonsense that i forgot i have to do during the day and then i try not to check my email at all until I start doing podcast ads. Okay, so one thing I would say for that is what I like is not checking it for the first, and I fail, first hour or two of the day. That's good too, right? That's my best thinking time.

Don't even look at your phone. Don't even look, and I set a time of 12. If I wake up at 9 or 10, great. Wake up at 11, 30, whatever, but until 12, don't touch it. You know my favorite thing to do, and I've only done this a couple of times legitimately, is don't look at my phone at all and go right to yoga class. Great.

And then your mind's racing. Then your mind's racing. It's all the fuck the whole night. Before I even see it. Yeah, the whole night. Instead of bogging it down and like, does this deal sound good for this club? And what do you think for t-shirts? It's just like, just let your mind wander when it's supposed to.

Know what else? Get high as fuck before yoga. Get high as fuck. Don to. No one else? Get high as fuck before yoga. Get high as fuck. Don't look at your phone. Get high as fuck before yoga. You'll come out of there a different person from another dimension, a different hole in the time-space continuum. You'll just drop out of there.

Bloop. You start thinking. Change your universe. Change your life. You ever space out when you're doing like a back on your back thing and then all of a sudden you come to, and you're like, not asleep, just out of it. Oh, my God, yoga.

You're doing everyone standing up, and you're like, oh, sorry. It's like catch-up. How long was I out? Yeah, you can get zoned out, man. You're messing with your consciousness when you're doing that. You're holding those poses and breathing. You're messing with your consciousness. And I say that in a good way.

They did a new Netflix special about that Bikram guy. Really? Yeah, I haven't seen it, but I saw there was ads. A lot of people are changing the name of their yoga class. I know the one I went to two years ago. Yeah, they're just calling it hot yoga. Three years ago. Yeah, she was like, yeah.

Nobody wants to be associated with that. They're hippies. That guy's a full rapist. He definitely has some issues. Why would I rape those women? Women would pay a million dollars for one drop of my serum. One drop of my sperm. Yeah.

Why would I rape? One drop of my sperm. Yogi, guru, predator. I like how he has a bunch of Rolls Royces. That's my favorite part. And he does yoga with a Rolex on. Holla. Do you think that's on his card?

Yogi, guru, predator? Now it is. Now they probably put it on there he's a fucking character man in the worst way possible but he's definitely a character why the hell hitler from that lady this is a thing man when when you're around a bunch of these freaky people i'll see that movie when you're around a bunch of these freaky people and everybody's half naked and you know you're the guy who's the one who teaches them how to do yoga yeah you're the master you get to one who teaches them how to do yoga yeah you're the master

you get to fuck dude isn't it weird when you see somebody who went all in with yoga oh yeah it's weird like they shave their heads they only wear the yoga pants like that is their being

what if that's what made when I started wearing yoga pants everywhere oh I'd be like oh Joe went yoga Joe I'll go well I already wear a fanny pack

what would be the problem that's a far different world than yoga Joe what with a Bikram t-shirt on if you're allowed to wear a fanny pack what would be the problem a far different world a yoga Joe what what a Bikram t-shirt on if you're allowed to wear a Bikram t-shirt you got to wear it now right before that special it's I think the specials out this Netflix documentary I think it's out is that the

new status people don't know about it yeah they're really going broad it's after Paul Rudd they just went right to Bikram one drop of my sperm we've been spend one million dollar I'd be like show me one woman who spent a million dollars in your sperm you'll get one drop that's all you get for a million you don't get a whole load I know someone who runs a yoga studio and that was the fucking final nail in the coffin when he said that yeah one drop of my sperm like all right changing the name it's so crazy But I think

Back when he started Getting crazy Right How old is he now 78 Is that old He's probably pretty Fucking old right

240 Back when he first Came here in the 80s And they're like doing You remember Girls would wear Like scrunchy socks And it was

You remember Like they Like Olivia Newton-John Let's get physical Let's get physical. Girls were taking, they were taking aerobics classes, buying those Reeboks aerobics shoes with the Velcro. Everybody had those.

The socks had a little poofy ball in the back sometimes. Oh, that's right. The little poofy ball, the sock. I forgot about that. That was when that dude started slinging. So he came over here from India. Shorts with leggings underneath. Oh, that's right.

That's right. Shorts with leggings underneath Oh that's right That's right Shorts with leggings Tan colored leggings Yep So he came over here from India Yeah And started teaching And just letting the old snake out of the basket

Woo Is that racist? To make like Indian music sounds And say he took the snake out of the basket Insinuating his cock But yet he's a snake charmer Oh okay Because a lot of Indians

Are snake charmers I want to know If I'm racist there You definitely got Joke wise you got Two levels Yes So joke wise you're clean

Yeah it's okay Yeah but The structure's great Is it racist Because that stuff Because I make the noise too Right right right Because if you say something

About someone from China and you're like, people go, oh my God, you're racist. Okay. Well, definitely I would say there is an argument for racists. But now let's see how valid that argument is. Yeah, maybe. But that's not all Indians. If you were super woke, you could go in on me.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, if you were super woke, you could go in on me. Oh, yeah. Yeah, if you were really woke, you could take a swing. It's like, you know who have fucking... That's the woke swing. Do you know who fucking never, never gets stood up for? It's fat white guys. No. You can shit on fat white guys they're not even human nobody

gives a fuck about the way they feel that was me i pushed this little i would say please do oh you're talking about burt no i was not he's not fat anymore he's not obese anymore he lost a lot of weight just overweight he lost a lot a lot of weight he looks good yeah he looks very good he there's only one guy you know who does not look good tom did you say tom no i heard you say tom i didn't say tom wow i was asking a question he looks fine to me maybe you got a different filter just how dare you he's bigger than bert he's bigger than bert is he really oh yeah wow bert's winning now yeah well i told bert if he makes 205 he gets the belt. Yeah.

I text him. Oh, at any point. I text him any time. I text him two weeks out. I go, are you going to make the weight? He's like, oh, I don't think so. I've been on the road. I go, come on, pussy. How much do you weigh?

I go, dude, there's guys who weigh 235 on Tuesday, and they fight on Saturday at 205. Yeah, you can cut that. They cut the weight. Yeah. I would love to see the fucking fat, full hangover. That's him? Did you guys see this? No, no, no.

This guy was... This is... That's not him. It's like a wrestler. That guy's very big. Ranting in a ring. I think he's in Australia. What's he ranting about?

He's like... Look, Big J's in the background. Talking shit to the crowd. For those that are watching, you can't see this, but there are like 10, 15, 20 people there. Whoa, Steve Brown. I just want to skip ahead to the end here what's happening he's he's being the heel he's great oh hold on what is he uh

there's a guy that yells out he calls him tom segura sorry i fucked up but that's all right play it back we'll find it all right yeah no i enjoy your failure. Keep it going. Thanks. Have you guys heard of it? Yeah. Yeah, we heard of it when we watched them.

Toronto Maple Leafs on the TV. They're pretty good. Doug Gilmore is my favorite scorer. Yeah, guys, you're watching a VHS. Doug Gilmore's on the TV. Hey, Tom Segura, wrap it up. I don't know if Steve Brown wants to bring hot... Oh, that's hilarious. Hey,ura wrap a random rule for canada yeah that might not have actually been said that sounds like someone inserted that sound

oh maybe i'm buying i'm not i'm not buying it all right oh yeah good point i know what they're doing they found some some guy doing that and some other guy. Let me hear that again. Play it again. That might be right. That might be crazy. I'm from a real city. It's called Toronto.

Have you guys heard of it? Yeah. Yeah, we heard of it when we watched Toronto Maple Leafs on the TV. They're pretty good. Oh, that's a couple of them. Because he was still talking. Here we go. Yeah, guys, you're watching a VHS.

Don't go around the team anymore. Hey, how's the girl? Wrap it up. I don't buy that. I don't know if Steve Brown was... That sounds like that's in an echoey room. That sounds like that guy did it in his bathroom. Yeah.

His mom's like, why are you screaming down there, Jimmy? In the wind. Why are you screaming, Jimmy? I'm not buying it. It says no gimmicks. I would say. It says this gimmicks. I would say. According to the website that it's on, it says no gimmicks. I would say no gimmicks as well.

That would be a good way to do a good gimmick. Yeah. The law is not strict on the no gimmicks claim. Bro, that's a lonely road, right? We're talking about the road of being a stand-up, traveling, and doing stand-up. Being a pro wrestler that nobody knows, trying to make it on the circuit who like doing what that guy was doing yeah that's rough that's tough that's rough cole cabana you ever talked to him

no yeah he's like a legit wrestler wrestler just on the road all the time it's hard right yeah is your friend tommy still bowling professionally no his legs are shot out. He, his knees are shot out. From bowling? From bowling, yeah, I guess so. Jesus Christ, think,

we used to be cavemen. We used to be able to fight off saber tooth tigers and neighboring tribes. He was ranked fifth in the world in bowling. This is how great standup is right now. He was ranked fifth in the world in bowling and he made 35 grand that year. That's a good year.

That's a good year for a bowler. I couldn't put a chance to you up. There he is, with you behind him yeah oh that always comes up on reddit because of that sign so um his knees are shot from bowling i think so i don't know what do you do that in bowling that makes your knees go let's see let's try to climb it out here okay here we here we go. Bar it. There's like that torque, I think, probably when you still twist. Oh, okay.

Yeah, I guess. Nice and torque in there. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. That makes sense. If you twist harder, you probably torque harder. But you're on those slidey shoes. You're on the slidey shoes. You slide in.

Maybe that's part of the problem, right? Slidey shoes. You're trying to get grip with your muscles. I do know there's some pros that play into their 40s and 50s. It seems like slidey shoes wouldn't be the way to go, like if I didn't know better. You don't want to stop short. Right, right, right.

But I'm saying I do know that slidey shoes are the way to go because the pros use them. They're not stupid. But I would think that if you had more grip, you could wing the ball harder. Oh, I see what you're saying. I think it's the movement they got going, the speed they got. There's like a momentum and a whip.

Yeah. Let's watch some strikes. It almost all says it's arm injuries except for MCL. Oh, him? His arm injuries? No, no, just common bowling injuries. The arm I can see throwing this out. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you know how many fucking Marines are laughing right now? Bowling! They don't have the guts to step into the lanes. Yeah Yeah Do you know how many fucking Marines are laughing right now? You gotta hurt them Bowling They don't have the guts Fucking bowling To step into the lanes You

Burrow Fucking bowling You've been You've been to Afghanistan But have you been to hard work lanes over on the 3rd? That's a hard lane There's a lot of dips A lot of dips

They don't grease up the The rails The floor You know They carve Balls will carve a groove Well, dips, they don't grease up the rails. Yeah, that's tough. You're like, whatever the saying is. You know, they carve a – balls will carve a groove. You've got to find the groove. So he says – so this is how the tournament works.

You play the whole week and the top five go into the tournament. Starts with fifth plays fourth. The winner of that plays third. The winner of that plays second. The winner of that plays first for the championship. So if you're in first place for the week, you have to play one game. Whoa. If a lefty is in

the fourth, fifth game, if that lefty wins, he's already set a groove that only he's going to be in. Oh. Whereas the righty has to use the other guy's groove

and so it's like he's not set in his own, the lefty will go all the way and win. Wow. Yeah. And it's because the oil on the road?

It's because they've grooved up the fucking lane. Their way, exactly. No one's fucked it up. Two righties are like, I don't know, using each other's groove? It's because they've grooved up the fucking lane. Their way, exactly. No one's fucked it up. Two righties are like, I don't know. It's a great game for six-year-olds. That's what it is. It's like pool if you only broke the balls.

And people get mad at me. How can you say that? Put bowings to scale. It's like, bleh, bleh. They get so angry. 35K for number five. Yeah. What are you hoping for?

Just shut your mouth. It's a child's game. 35K for number five. Yeah. What are you hoping for? Just shut your mouth. It's a child's game. They have roommates on tour. My ball is 15 pounds. I'd like to see a six-year-old throw it. They have roommates on tour. Yeah. The best guys have a roommate for the week.

Yeah, they have to. Dude, there are bowling groupies that are hideous. Every industry has a groupie, and the bowling groupie is not great. Every industry must have groupies. Yeah. Yeah. Where they're like, I know you from this scene. Yeah, even ones you would think no fucking way.

Bowlers! Like, you used to think no fucking way for, like, guys who played video games. But now guys who play video games. But they have ninja. For sure, ninja's getting his dick sucked. Wow, right now? Yes, for sure. He's married, but there's other guys who play video games... For sure, Ninja's getting his dick sucked. Wow, right now? Yes, for sure. He's married, but there's other guys

that you could say that for sure. Technically, your wife could suck your dick. I know it's foreign to a lot of men, but... She could do it if she really cares. Yeah. She could do it if she really cares. You can get it if you really want, but you must try.

There's a lot of money in it. So, there's a lot of money in it. So once there's a lot of money in something, you get groupies. Yeah. 100%. But even not. Even if it's just that. Well, you had pool groupies, didn't you? Didn't you have lounge lasers that hung out there? There was a few really hardcore drug addicts that would hang around the pool room.

And then some really lonely ladies. And then there's a few girls who played pool and they would hook up with guys too. Because they saw these guys are the best. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a few a few girls who played pool, and they would hook up with guys, too. Because they saw, like, these guys are the best. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a few of those girls who would get really, they would be pool players. They'd be really into, like, the pros. They would hook up with the pros.

University, yeah. Yeah, right? And they'd be, like, hanging out, waiting to, like, score with Tommy O'Toole. Yeah, that came in much better, man. The only thing that saves pool is, well, there's some. Hustle games. No, there's some tournaments to be played in America, some. But in other uh well there's some games there's no there's some tournaments to be played in america some but in other countries there's a lot of money there's

there's big like they go to qatar and they play billiards in china and you know you can make like real money in tournaments out there but you have to be like a shane van boning or you know it's a deaf one yeah yeah yeah he's top of the food chain you have to be like him you know there's a few of those guys jason shaw there's a few of those guys. Jason Shaw. There's a few of those guys that are just straight up killers. They can travel the world. And they're fucking bitches.

All the time? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I would imagine if you're an elite pool player and you're a handsome fellow, you'd probably get a little tail. Get a few pool player gals. People that are like, hey, I'm in a pool and you're the best. That's the thing about if you went to Asia, you might be get a little tail get a few people that are like maybe you're

the best that's the thing about if you went to asia you might be like a god to them yes yes yeah like in the philippines pool's huge philippines is like there's this guy efren reyes he's uh probably the greatest pool player of all time and he's from the philippines and that guy is a star over there he does commercials and all kinds of crazy shit everybody knows him like people see him on the street yeah it's like pick like a um like tiger woods like how tiger woods is for golf that's how efren ray is is for pool tiger woods goes anywhere people know who tiger woods is if efren goes anywhere in the philippines he does commercials with manny pacquiao like and manny knows manny actually plays really good pool better than me he plays like professional level pool yeah how

come you can say filipinos are standardly way better pool than us because of the you can't say america is clearly the best comics in the world uh you can of course you can well some americans some americans just as good and i mean pool players are just as good. I mean, pool players are just as good as Van Boney. Some. The top ones are like, sure. But overall. Overall, Filipinos have a lot of great pool players. They have a lot of killers.

But there's killers over here too now. There's killers from Europe. There's a lot of killers from Europe. Pool. Pool's different. But with stand-up, get the fuck out of here. You know why I think? I think in England, it came from theater.

And here, it came from like theater and here it came from like storytelling just like around campfire well it came from a lot of variety shows too like lenny bruce used to do he used to do stand-up on variety right yeah there'd be like a band would come out and like you ever watch marvelous mrs mazel that they have it that way like someone comes out and they got an act they do some kind of an act they have like a fucking puppet act and they introduce the band band. And then they introduce the band. The band will come play a song. And then Lenny Bruce will go on and do some stand-up. And then, you know, that's how they did it back then.

They didn't necessarily have comedy clubs. We talked about that yesterday with the Ice House. That the Ice House is the oldest comedy club technically. But it really didn't become a full-time comedy club until 1978. Where's the store? Was it 78? It became full-time in 72. Yeah. So they were a full-time comedy club until 1978 where's the store was it became full-time in 72 yeah so they were a full-time comedy club first people kept saying it was older but it wasn't a comedy it's not really it was but it was a variety show they'd have magic

and fucking bands and all kinds of stuff yeah that's why he said one of mitzi's biggest decisions was going like we're going all comedy we're not doing music comedy, we're going all comedy. We're not doing music, comedy, magic. We're doing all comedy. She was the best. People are like, you're out of your mind. She was the best. What a crazy loon. Thank God. Yeah.

We needed her. You need some jazz in people's lives. Oh, my God. You needed her. Yeah. You needed her. She knew how to do it, man. She knew how to run a fucking comedy club.

She let people fucking figure it out on their own. Yeah. She just wanted you to kill. She just wanted you to develop and become better just be better just and then she'd always find a good spot to put you in the beginning she put you on early you get it with a fresh crowd after a while you develop a little promise she puts you on after hard people and if she liked you every set you're going to go after a murderer right every set you're going after murderers murderers and then she would give you advice that wasn't funny thanks for the advice lady that bitch bro stop doing it but every now and then man she'd throw me a gem

just tell me how much she loves me yeah yeah just here or there man what like a fucking abusive parent and then just give you a little bit of niceness okay i was you know 27 years old and i expected it going in i was happy just to talk to her you got there when you were 27 yeah whoa yeah 26 really i went there the first time i went i was 26 yeah it was before uh that show hard. I came out here with Brewer. He was on that show too? Yeah, Brewer was the mascot in the first episode. Yeah, he was a mascot of the opposing team, the Pied Pioneers, and he had a fucking flute and shit,

and he got beat up by a giant baseball that was our mascot. It was really funny. Brewer. But Brewer was fucking hilarious. Still is. He's hilarious. But he was out here with me we were doing that pilot and it was like i want to say it was like 93 somewhere around then yeah

93 really yeah and we came to the comedy store and we're just sitting in the back of the room watching that play i remember thinking i can't believe i'm even here i can't believe this is really the comedy store and then maybe six months later i was out here living because the show got picked up maybe not even six months probably four months you know you do a pilot pilot get seen got picked up came back did six episodes and i was just hanging around the store whoa that's when i got to meet mincy and she said you can perform there you're a regular i could be a non-paid regular first non-paid i auditioned as a non-paid regular and no bullshit i was there every fucking night i didn't have a life man i had nowhere to go and i didn't have any friends so all i would do was go to the comedy

store after i worked so i'd work all day on the tv show i'd go home to my shitty oakwoods apartment i had one of them oakwoods apartments in burbank you know one of those ones with it's a pre-furnished apartment four people were coming in here exactly six months yeah exactly and then somewhere around episode three i'm such a fucking genius i figured this show is going to take off i'm going to get a lease so i got a lease for a year an apartment in north hollywood a real apartment and uh then the show got canceled immediately i was good but it's good that i got that lease because i was going to move back to new york i did not like it yeah that's what kept me i couldn't move i had i had spent it

spent an ec i don't remember how much it was but i remember had a pool table in the living room that was the number one thing that i did i got a place that was big enough for me to pull put a pool table in the living room jesus that's so that was my prerequisite i'd walk out every apartment i'd one two three four five six seven eight five, six, seven, eight, nine. That's five feet with four on each side. So it's a nine by five, right? A good table is four and a half by nine. So you want to give yourself like 15 feet width, and then you want to give yourself a solid 20 feet length.

Wow. So you measure out five on the front, five on the back, so you don't knock it with a stick. What an addict. Yeah. Addict. That's what you look for knock it with a stick. What an addict. Yeah. Addict. That's what you look for. Yep, that's what I look for. Wow.

That's crazy. That's like me when I go to a place, I'm like, smoking's allowed, right, pot? And they're like, why would you bring that up? I'm like, because I want to know now or I'll just move on. Yeah. Yeah. But I had a neighbor that got mad that I was playing pool.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure. Probably late at night, too. Oh, yeah, I'm sure. Probably late at night. No, no, no, no. He asked me to not do it until they don't use the living room because the floor was creaking. And this guy was like the superintendent of the building. I went, what? I said, so you don't like me walking upstairs? And he said, well, you're walking around the pool table when you're playing pool.

I go, what if I just walked? You don't want me walking? Are you telling me not to walk in the pool table when you're playing pool. I go, what if I just walked? You don't mean walking? Are you telling me not to walk in the living room because you can hear me walking? Like, what kind of floor is this? Like, what do you hear? Yeah, you got to fix the floor then, dude. It was a carpeted floor, too.

It wasn't like I had fucking cowboy boots and I was running around on a hardwood floor. Stomp, stomp, stomp. It was a regular. He said the floor creaks and it's annoying. I'm like, wow wow what the fuck can you please not walk that sounds like a new york that place was made out of cardboard though right because uh i can hear everything you do it's like well what do you what am i gonna tell you i'm still gonna fuck i could hear the phone ring and then i could hear

the answering machine go off and the person like i could hear everything they said every fucking thing they said and i didn't realize what a piece of shit the house was until we got an earthquake one day i was in the apartment and i don't know if you've ever been in a legit earthquake but this was like a 5.5 this was the it was really the aftershocks of the big northridge earthquake oh man so this apartment i mean it just goes like this it didn't do anything that I thought it was going to do I felt like an earthquake like everything was shake

yeah like the movies it started moving back and forth like the like oh that's a big one the apartment was made out of a refrigerator box

that's what it was like like if I was inside a refrigerator box and you were outside like come on out pussy like that's what it was like the whole thing was just moving the walls were just moving I'm like this place is made out of nothing this is made out of cardboard

i remember thinking god damn you're vulnerable when an earthquake hits when you feel the first one here you're just like whoa because you feel little ones all the time it feels like a car's underneath you and we're so overdue we're so overdue they said that uh one of the fault lines moved recently for the first time in 500 years. Dude, this is also from Myanmar. That? That's weed, bro. What are you talking about?

Oh. That's from Gino. All right. That's from LA Speedweed, son. Oh, that's a Mike Tyson joint, actually. Really? Yeah, that's from Tyson's weed. Oh.

Yeah. They have those cigars like that there. Yeah, this is not a cigar. Okay. They'll put you on Pluto. Smoke that like a cigar. Mike Tyson weed. He goes for it, huh? Mike Tyson's weed. Yeah, this is not a cigar. Okay. They'll put you on Pluto. Smoke that like a cigar. Mike Tyson weed. He goes for it, huh?

Mike Tyson's weed. He goes for it. He goes for it like he went for it in boxing. That's what he does with his weed. Speaking of weed, did you see the story about the NBA player that got suspended? Yes. Oh, my God. They suspended him for 10 games because he had an incident, a medical, edible marijuana

incident on a team plane. Conduct detrimental to the season, to the team. Oh. It's only an hour flight from Phoenix to LA too. Oh my god, that is hilarious. What is he flying to? LA? They suspended him for 10 games for that? What's Phoenix? I kind of think that was looking at the military. They don't want him on the team anymore either.

Why? I don't want to say he's a troublemaker. I don't know what he's doing, but they're doing good. You just said he's a troublemaker. They're doing good without him, and he's owed $24 million this year. It's a troublemaker. I don't know what he's doing, but they're doing good. Jamie Vernon, you just said he's a troublemaker. They're doing good without him and he's owed $24 million this year. It's a whole. Really? They're trying to box him out.

Potentially, that's what it sounds like. Yeah, save the money on those 10 games too. You don't have to pay him for those 10. Maybe someone dosed him. Save one eighth. Two million.

Maybe someone dosed him, Ari. People have been asking me all the time. I was on Halloween. I went dancing. I went having fun, you know, and on the way out, somebody recognized me and they were like, People have been asking me all the time. I was on Halloween. I went dancing. I went having fun. And on the way out, somebody recognized me. And they were like, people started yelling, Ari.

Ari's like, hey, what's up? They're like, we're all fucked up, dude. They're like, dose me, Ari. Dose me. Some day that'll be funny, bro. Yeah, we were at the bar. And some girl was there. And I was ordering a drink. drink and then she just goes like so she had her beer and she's just like going like that to me excuse me and then she was smiling and i was like all right

you know what i'm picturing right now i'm picturing burt with headphones on running somewhere on the road listening to us right now so funny guys someday it'll be funny burr someday right now it's not funny burr you're one of the three of us who's not obese just be happy about what the fuck i'm not obese i'm just overweight no you're now not obese you i saw that picture you posted on on instagram yes you were three pounds away from not being obese and you went down oh so 98 is what is obese what's the number check out what's it you pug in his height five foot five foot four and his weight two and his weight what five eight two well i'm around 200 pounds bmi calculator oh what'd you

got down to less than that before huh started drinking again wow that's quick i got down to 195 195 there you go site does this sometimes. It doesn't let me on it. Cannot be reached. Oh, the government doesn't want to know if I'm obese. I don't know what that's all about. I'll do this one. Yeah. Put in me.

Oh, it does the age too. Oh. That doesn't make any sense. Why is it a matter of the age? Yeah, that's a. I've never seen an age. Change the height. I'm not 5'10".

I'm 5'8". 5'8". And change the weight to 200. That's going to be obese again. I want to see what that is. Calculate it. Obese plus one. Wait, 121...

164. That has your age in there too. What? No, wait, that's normal weight. Normal weight for the range is 121 to 164. Yeah, but what's just overweight? Normal weight. Put in 187.

I love this. I love the BMI calculator. Overweight. Overweight. 190. What do you have to get to to be overweight? Anything over 165 is going to be overweight. Anything over 165 is overweight.

No, no. I want to see the difference between overweight and obese is, where that line is. Put in 190. I think 190 means you got it. Okay. I can make that. 190s, I'm just overweight. 195?

Yeah. Come on, bitch. Okay, so 195, I'm good. I got down there. Oh, 199. 199 is obese. Okay, that's where it changes. So Bert is now not obese anymore.

When the rubber hits the road is 197? 198. 197. If you get to 197, you are overweight. Okay, I'm overweight over it has achieved i'm just overweight i'm somewhere i fluctuate it all depends on when what time i uh weigh myself too no it's the morning between the morning it's easy for me to stay around 195 i could do that right now great or i can pasta it up yeah i get pasta it up it's just so hard to be consistent. Like with workouts, it's so hard to put in like the real consistent fat burning time.

You're so muscular though. Yeah, right. You're not like a. Muscular. I don't know how you lift all that weight around. I do it. I force myself. Yeah.

I understand deterioration. It comes with aging. It's one of the most important things for your health as you get older to comes with aging It's very It's one of the most important things For your health As you get older To lift weights It's very important

Muscle mass has some sort of There's some sort of correlation Between health and muscle mass When you get older They say that you should Do some resistance exercises And weight bearing exercises Just to keep your bone density

And your muscles strong Yeah My thought is like – You're bigger. Yeah. I'm sorry. What was your thought? Well, my thought is use this fucking thing while you got it because you don't see a

lot of 70-year-old dudes that can work out hard. Right. So what's the point? The point is like don't work out hard when you're 50 so that when you're 70, you're still alive. Like what is that? Oh. But you like working out.

I'm fucking going for it, man. I'm going for it, Ari. I like being exhausted. It makes me feel better. I like those 90-minute yoga classes. I like running hills. I like kickboxing. I like jujitsu. I like going hard.

I like going hard. When I can't go hard anymore, I'll stop. Right now, I can still go hard. It's amazing that we're friends because I really enjoy the not moving. We're really into different things. I don't know how we've hit it off. I enjoy not moving, too. I enjoy not moving, but I've got caveman genes, dude.

There's something inside me. I got a squash. Yeah, you're like part wild. Well, I try to be as nice as possible but there's there's definitely some shit in me especially from my my childhood all my childhood i grew up fighting in martial arts tournaments that is not a good way for your brain to develop with violent combat sports every day of the week as you develop the time you're 15 to the time you're like 22 just that's not good it's just you can do it with proper

guidance and become a nice person and i'm not i'm not down you can but when your whole life is about kicking people unconscious for years it's only about that yeah and that's what that's also the time when you're going through puberty that's also the time when you're going through puberty. That's also the time where you're learning about life. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So for me, it's like that door is always open. You got to throw water on that fire all the time.

You got to get out there with the hose every day. It doesn't matter if you feel like it or not. Just don't let that fire grow. Don't open up the door to the basement. Do you ever just want to strangle somebody in life? No. No, remarkably not. I do. That's also because I do it.

If you do jujitsu or lift a lot of weights, beat up the punching bag, the punching bag is probably the best. But you don't even think sometimes you're like, as you pass somebody who cuts you off in traffic and is way too close, you're not like, I could kill you. Well, if someone was talking shit and getting mean to me yeah uh it's very nice

to know that you could fuck people yeah it's very nice to know it's very it's very nice like if you see some guy like some average body dude who thinks he's a badass because he talks shit he's mean and stupid and he might take a swing at you and you see one of those guys it's very good that you are the one who gets to decide what happens yeah you know and you can teach someone a very very severe lesson and let them know hey motherfucker no there's people like me out here i'll break both your arms and leave you here that'd be so bad just snap them both crack crack good luck whoa good luck fuck face hope you don't lose them there's a lot of mean people out there i'm a nice guy i'm nice yeah so if i run into a mean

person i want to be the one who gets to decide if you're what happens i get i'm the one i want to be the one who gets to decide if somebody gets hurt it's just there's too many people out there that'll just take sucker punches at people and hurt people this i see it all the time online right i'm sure you see it there's so many videos of people hitting people and doing fucked up things to people for no reason oh yeah so many people yeah do the knockout videos dude remember they knocked out an old lady there was an old lady that was waiting in line at like grocery store, and somebody punched her. They were just like, knock out, and then punched her? I don't remember it.

I just remember a video of some kid hitting an old lady. There's always one person that takes it too far. It was a horrible one of some kids. They knocked out this guy as he was getting off of a subway. I think it was in Chicago, and just cracked this guy and he fell face first out cold on the concrete bounced off the concrete i was like oh my god and the guy was old too he wasn't a healthy person like that is something that can literally change the rest of your fucking life these kids are just doing it and laughing and jumping on a train whoa yeah there was a lot of people doing things like

that for a while fucking harvard kids. That's what it is. It's all those Yale fucks with all their money and their fucking fancy grades. They want to rebel. They go out and crack old people. I see people studying at NYU all the time. It's so weird. I look at them in the library. Why is it weird?

It's just like a different time of your life. Oh, okay. People are studying all the time. Right. The grind. Yeah, it's just like, I don't know, their college college it just looked like they had the whole world ahead of them it just looks so fucking enviable just learning well it is in some ways but it's also like this is a weird time to go to school you know yeah my friend's a teacher at a liberal arts college she's like

people just aren't very happy yeah It's all about change and progress. Social justice. And you can't just have a fun time. It has to be for a reason. What happened there? What happened to having an 80s night party? Can't do that. It's cultural appropriation.

It's culturally appropriated. I mean, I had to suffer with no internet. That's right. We had it hard, you motherfuckers. But I just mean, not in terms of who they're offending, but just in terms of they have to be fighting against something.

And so it's a terrible existence. Are you allowed to dress up as a Civil War soldier if you're from the North? You can't be a Confederate soldier. Are you allowed to dress up? You can't be a Confederate soldier because that harkens something.

Harken. Powers. You can definitely be a Confederate soldier because that harkens something. Harken. Powers. You can definitely be a Union soldier, right? You could be Ulysses S. Grant. That's another one I could see going both ways. I could see somebody going, that reminds me of the Civil War, which is slavery. So that's hurtful. And someone else could be like, no, I'm honoring the people who fought for freedom.

And then they could go back and go, why is it only the white experience to be able to fight for freedom do you realize that if you went back in time you were around the civil war you would be a giant you just run over people and stomp them because they're all shorter back they were so tiny nobody had good food oh yeah in the 1860s i think the um average size for a man that was in the army was like 125 pounds. Whoa. I could definitely be one of those doctors. I'd be like, cut it off. Amputate.

Cut it off. Yeah, those doctors had it made. Nobody made it. Cut it off. Doctor, it's a bloody toe. Cut it off. Enough. The leg.

It could get a disease. We could all die. You got these- Glass tips. Glass tips. You got these glass tips. Glass tips. You put them on there? No, they came with it. I don't know.

It was more wasteful than a stoner. The third tallest average in the world at the time was 5'7". During the Civil War for an American man. Third tallest average? Yeah. What does that mean? That means the first average is six feet tallest. The tallest average.

Average tallest person. Third tallest was 5'7". I don't understand what you mean. The average. Like if there's an average, what's the average, the tallest average height? I got the peak. What is it? Is it 6'5"?

Yeah, average. The year. Average for the people that are alive. So what year would that be? 1860s, the Civil War time period. The average was 5'7". That was the third highest, third highest height average. That we've ever had?

No, during that time. What do you mean that was the third highest? The people that lived during that time, during 1866. What do you mean that was the third highest average? Average. So if you had first highest average. What does that mean, first highest average? Well, the average height of people.

What is the highest? Like, for instance, England could have been higher. No, you could have percentages. Like, you have 30, like, say if you have 90 people say if you have only have 90 people right yeah it's just the average 30 of them are six foot one and above 30 of them are six foot one to five foot ten 30 of them are five foot seven to five foot ten that's not what that means that you don't have a third highest average. What are you choosing the 30, 30, 30?

It's just the average. No, no, no. The average height. Right, but the number of humans, the overall number of humans. See what I'm saying? That's why I broke it down to 90. You have three groups if you have 90 people. If it was the third highest average, like we're the third tallest in the world. But they're even. Do you see, understand what I'm saying? They're even.

That's what it is. Hold on, stop. The got the third percentile listen they're even if we have 90 people if you're in third and third 30 and 30 and 30 right if that's what you have okay then that's obviously the third highest average they're almost even in the numbers that are represented by each individual category of height so it's 5 10 to six foot two is one group that's 30 people. Why are those 30? Because- Why 30? I'm just saying this so you can understand what the third highest percentage means.

It's based on the number of overall people. So if there's 200- And there's only three percentage groups? Are there five or 10? Instead of 90 people, let's say there's 90 million people. Yeah. Okay. Well, 30 million of them are 5'10 to 6'1. What's the fifth highest percentage? Well, we'd have to find that out. But the third highest percentage was 5'7,

which means that out of these millions of people that were alive back then, So the top third was averaged this, the second third averaged this, and the third third averaged that? That's such a confusing stat. No fucking way. You might be confused on the word third. It's not a third. It's third way. You might be confused on the word third. It's not a third. It's third place.

Third place for average male in America. That's why you're not getting it. I explained it badly. We're now at 37th as of today. Who's 37th? Americans, United States. Right, right, right. But you're talking about the average height.

Was that for America in 1866? American soldiers were tall by the standards at the time amongst the world. Third highest country. But people were so tiny back then that third highest height, the third highest category was 5'7". No, we were just the ranked third country. We were the third, of all the average heights. That's how we said it, right?

I'm confused on why you guys are not on the same page here. I think you're both saying the same thing. No, I'm saying we ranked third in country. He's saying the third grouping of people averages 5'7", which is like, what grouping would that be? I thought you were saying average height of people in 1966, the third average height of people

was 5'7". Is that what you're saying? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Is this what you're saying? Is America ranked third of all the countries? Yes. That's what it is. And we were average height 5'7".

At the time, the average height of a male was 5'7". The third tallest males in the world. Today, it is 37th. Ooh, that's a confusing stat. Yeah. It is. We rank third of all the countries. Americans were 5'7", on average.

But the average height in 1866 was 5'7". Dude, I guarantee you that's food. Nobody had any goddamn food. And women were 5'3". Dude, how often you that's food. Nobody had any goddamn food. And women were 5'3". How often do you think people starved to death back then? Probably a lot. It probably was a lot. Because people starved to death today.

And if everybody's that little and it's the same genes, how the fuck is it in 100 years plus? What is it, 150 years? How do people get so much bigger? How do you get football players? That's great. Monsanto. Thank you, Monsanto.

No one gives it up for them. That's the good stuff they're doing. When you stand next to someone like alistair over him or someone yeah how do you make holland big old dutch dude how do you get that how does someone get that big those are the vikings right oh yeah rico verhoeven he's the uh glory heavyweight kickboxing champion it's breeding he's fucking giant it's breeding that's how you get he's a giant viking tallest fucked adult exactly that's how you get a brock lesnar that shit isn't magic it's real simple the conquerors fuck all the hottest women and then they make babies and then in 2015 you get that guy yeah that's basically what it is that's basically that is basically what it is man it's german shepherds and Chihuahuas, and you have that guy, and you have Redman. That's, to me, why CRISPR is so fascinating.

What's CRISPR? CRISPR is gene editing technology that they're currently using on live human beings now. They're doing the first test now on live human beings. Yeah, it's gene editing technology they came up with but boy i know i'm gonna butcher this but they it's a tool that they recognize that bacteria carry like certain signals and they figured out how to edit genes using what they learned from how bacteria carry these signals i know i'm butchering this but they're getting better and better with the tools and they're getting to a point where they're able to isolate certain genes.

Like in China, they were able to give people HIV avoidance, resistance to HIV and to put it in the code, but it also had some sort of a positive effect on their intelligence.

Two for one. Yeah, it was a bunch of weird, but I think that's speculated, but there's a bunch of weird chain reaction things they're not entirely certain of. Oh yeah, when you play God. That's why bunch of weird- Those are both good. I think that's speculated, but there's a bunch of weird chain reaction things they're not entirely certain of. Oh, yeah, when you play God.

That's why they're saying it's unethical to just experiment on people, but they're doing it right. You have your ethics. I'm going to have a super kid. Yeah, you're going to have a super kid. Someone's going to have a goddamn Incredible Hulk kid. Enjoy your ethics while my kid fucking smashes your village. Well, once a country decides they're going to pull the trigger on super people-

Everyone else has to keep up. Dude, do you imagine what it's like? The troops? The 6 foot 20 troops? What if all porn by the year 2050 is Chinese guys with giant hogs? It's all because that's all they are. Joe, that's not a world I want to live in. Every Chinese guy is 7 foot tall and they'll have a giant hog.

Whoa. They're like, we're sick of this. Revenge. We're sick of it. Now we have the biggest ones. Revenge. They're all seven feet tall. How does it feel now?

Giant Brock Lesnar bones and huge hogs like 12-year-old kids' legs. And they're just banging everything that moves. They're just fucking their way through the world. I mean, if one country pulls the trigger and they decide they're going to make super people. Everyone would have to catch up. Everyone would have to catch up but it's it's almost like the internet right if we said hey we can't allow people to communicate openly and freely we can't allow an uh an even distribution of all the information in the world

it's just too much power that we're just giving away to people we got to stop this we gotta we got to make this only for a few people if they did that what would what would the world would fucking be a totally different place but they didn't do that and if someone doesn't stop them before they make super people if they say listen we can't do this super people because then there's going to be everyone's going to be a super person and no one is going to be uh no one's going to have uh body issues no one's good because everyone's going to be perfect yeah we can't find ways we'll find otherwise like your eyebrows are too big

I don't like the way Your nostrils flare When you're mad Yeah And then everybody Would be a super person Yeah That'd be great

That's 100% possible That's within 100 years They're probably going to Be able to engineer Most things about people Unless something Catastrophic happens to us Do you remember

That Van Damme movie Which one was that Universal Soldier No Universal Soldier Is that what it was about? Yeah. I was just looking at the thing that genetically

augmented soldiers with enhanced self-healing abilities and superior strength. Can I pee? Yeah, go ahead. Once again, Jean-Claude Van Damme

ahead of his motherfucking time. He had a scene in Time Cop. Do you remember there was a scene where he went back in time with a machine gun

and was fucking people up like in the Civil War days or something like that? Do you remember that? Or somebody else did. I honestly didn't see that movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody else did.

That's what it was. Somebody else in Time Cop was like a bad cop, I think, that went back and did bad things. They were like going back and stealing gold and shit and coming back with the gold. Yeah, it's the guy he's going after. Ah, that's right. So that dude, see if you can find the video. He's in Civil War in Georgia yeah yeah yeah Civil War

this is fucking great cause I've always thought like man how cool would it be to go back in time like to the you know any time

you know the fucking the history of the Spartans and and see somebody show up out of nowhere with a machine gun so he's asking these people asking for the gold and see somebody show up out of nowhere with a machine gun.

So he's asking these people, asking for the gold, and they pull out their gun, and he just fucking guns them down. Two fists with machine guns or laser beams. Didn't shoot the horses, though. Interesting. Amazing accuracy. Very good. Must have trained.

Yeah, probably trained. Didn't look like it, though. Didn't look like he had real solid tactical training training with the use of that but that was that scene i always thought like that would be a cool scene in a movie dude what are our lives we sit here and talk talk shit everybody you it's like that's our jobs now yeah and then you just do stand-up at night yeah we just have our own fucking stupid radio shows. Did you just do acid? What'd you do? I don't know. I did, but I was doing it. It's crazy.

Yeah. You make ads. You pay your rent off your fucking ads. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. It's amazing. It's way better than a job job.

Oh my God. When people ask me why do I keep telling people to do it, that's why. To do what? To do podcasts. Yeah.

And people, you told too many people to do podcasts. Why? So there's more choice? You fucking elitist cunt. Don't be silly silly Everybody should do this If you're listening to me

And you're upset that I'm saying this It's probably because you need to do Your own podcast And you know I'm right That's just amazing Not everybody Not everybody should do a podcast Alright

Shut up Don't Relax Not everybody should be But a lot of people could A lot of people could It's a viable job option That's all I'm saying

It's a job option You can control yourself. Just because you're a man, you think everybody can fucking do it. You got lucky. You got in early. All those things are true. You won't be this big, but you'll still have a fun time. Anything can happen.

You just sit around talking shit and you fucking record it. Yeah. Yeah, dude. It's amazing. It's amazing. Yeah. And this is also a lot like the internet. And nobody saw this coming.

Nobody thought the biggest broadcast show was going to be something that someone just does on their own yeah you know like these logan paul guys like that guy just fought he had a boxing match that was the headline dead body yes that guy he it was the headline of an event at the staple center wow yes he fought yes on the zone live streaming on the zone whoa I bet a lot of people watched it, too. I wonder how many people watched that thing. On DAZN? What does that mean? DAZN, you know what that is?

It's a streaming app. It has all the big major fights on it. A lot of the big boxing matches, like Tyson Fury's fights. What is... Is Canelo Alvarez on that, too? I think he is. Yeah. There's a lot of top-level...

Andy Ruiz, the heavyweight champ, he's on that too. So all these guys. And it's like X amount per month. I don't remember how much it costs. But you can watch the fights on your phone. It's fucking great. All the Bellator fights. You can watch all the Bellator fights on your phone.

But they have that with the USP too. UFC has that ESPN Plus app. Same thing. Watch them all. And then they have some boxing matches too. That's cool if you watch those. Because then you could like like if you have to miss one yeah just tune in fuck yeah dude bro streaming is the shit i get home from a gig and if it's a ufc that i didn't see as long as i stay the fuck away from my phone i have no idea what happened i go home plot my fucking feet

up yeah watch the fights after the shows. Oh, it's wonderful. Dude. Yeah. Yeah. This phone is great. Oh, yeah. Oh, you got a phone phone. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, you can watch so much stuff on this. Oh, you can watch so much stuff. The baseball playoffs? Oh, yeah. You can watch everything. Oh. Yeah. Oh. I missed so much in five years.

Look at this. Oh, what are these glasses? 11,000 people watched the stream this way on this guy's glasses. Off this guy's glasses? No way. Reflecting it onto Twitch or something like that. No way. Or YouTube maybe. glasses 11 000 people watched the stream this way on this guy's glasses no way reflecting it onto twitch or something no way or youtube maybe that is hilarious i'm trying to find the actual numbers i haven't found 11 000 that is hilarious what a crazy way to show a fight does he get

extra credit for that that's coolness points coolness. For sure. But can he get in trouble for that? Yeah. I mean, he's rebroadcasting. You're not supposed to do that. I know, but this is a whole art project. I say it's fucking allowed. Yeah, it's an interesting take. He's making it new enough.

You're not really watching that for the actual action. You do want to see what happens. Sure, that's part of the art project. Yeah, but he's stealing. I disagree. Artistic license. What's next? What do you see coming?

I think AGI glasses. What is that? AGR. Augmented reality. AGR. Why don't I even make up that acronym? Apple ones just got pushed two years. So they were rumored to come out recently.

Oh, really? Sometime soon. But yeah, they're pushed to 2022 right now. Oh, those. Because they have some for City people I don't know if it's for Siri specifically But Alexa

Built in glasses now They're like sunglasses That have all time built in While you're wearing it You can talk to Alexa That was That's too much It's too much

Fuck off They need to take some Russian scientists They need to bring them to Steve Jobs grave And bring them back to life Fuck off They need to re Reinvigorate him reanimate him and have him run apple again from the grave yeah with no soul just ruthless he was the man's he was the man's innovation to some giant robot nuclear you can't make everybody you can't record everybody it's fucking bullshit you can't have

a fucking thing that's going to record you. I can't decide that for people around me. That should be totally illegal. It should be bullshit, but it's going to happen. Fuck that. They almost did, man. No one signed up for this. We didn't sign up for this.

The rest of us didn't sign up for it, and we're still having to deal with it. That's true. Do you remember those Google Glasses? Yes, and we were all like, fuck, take those off. People got beat up. They're like, get that shit out of here. It's like having a cell phone in someone's face the whole time. No one likes that.

Nobody likes that. That's not cool. And just people just have that all the time. No one feels safe. No, that should be illegal. They should not let that be. And no one could tell if you had it recording or not. No, exactly.

And didn't sign up for it. You want to do it around your house, that's fine. That shit should be illegal. But what do you do if China, their super dick dudes all of a sudden has glasses if Huawei gets into the digital glasses company? You do that over there.

I'm sorry. But what if they bring them over here and we don't even know it because we're so fucking ignorant because we lost just like the stem cell race. We got behind the curve.

Yeah, maybe. Maybe. That's always a good one that people like to say. Well, we got behind the curve with the stem cells. Joe, let's move some DMT. Right now?

Yeah. Oh, I don't have any here. Oh, fuck. That's not a thing to do to make a good podcast. You don't think so? No, it'd be 30 minutes of boring. KSI versus Logan Paul had more pay-per-view buys than Anthony Joshua versus Andy Ruiz, said Eddie Hearn.

Holy shit. I'm reading it had about a million or maybe more. That's a lot for a streaming service. He has a lot of people coming. Dude, that's a lot a million or maybe more. That's a lot for a streaming service. He has a lot of people coming. Dude, that's a lot. I didn't know that you get that many for a streaming service. The thing is, so many people have these streaming services now. So many people do.

This says 1.2 million. It did. That's a lot, man. Wow. That's a lot. That's huge. Oh, I'm sorry. The first fight did that.

And this one got more this wait he fought twice logan paul i did it a year ago yeah it was an amateur fight that time and this is a professional fight yeah it's professional six round fight and it was the headliner of a card where billy joe saunders fight billy joe saunders one of the best fighters in the world he's an elite fighter world champion he defended his title on the undercard of two youtube guys fighting now how much of an insult is that for him i'm sure he's just like i'm getting paid who gives a fuck getting views too more views it's good for him wow that's crazy what a killer it's all about the fucking dollar nobody gives a shit about the art

dude there are two youtubers fighting yeah Yeah. There's no art. Right. I mean, there's some art to it, right? It's a creation. There's some drama. A lot of shit's going down. Yeah. But I'm saying the other guy is a fucking- Billy Joe Saunders?

Yeah. Yeah, but for him, people don't know who he is. You didn't know who he is. I did not. Now you do. See? It's like it's good. I won't know tomorrow.

And he won by knockout. He won by knockout, so it was a good showcase for him. He's a vicious boxer. He should have challenged Logan Paul next. Oh, he'll kill Logan Paul. He should be like, I'm the winner of this fight. No, no, no. You can't do that to that kid.

He'll make a lot more money. No. He'll get a piece of the paper. They're not the same weight class. Billy Joe Saunders is like one or two. I think he's light heavyweight. What is he? Is he super middleweight?

Google what he is. Can Billy Joe Saunders beat him with his right arm tied behind his back? It wouldn't be fair at all it would be horrible but that guy's an elite world champion boxer and Logan Paul

had one fight splint on his leg right arm tied behind his back you know he would still beat Logan Paul someone did that

Jason Ellis is so crazy he had a fight where who did he do it with Shane Carwin Shane Carwin that's right oh my god that makes it even more crazy that's right shane carwin who's one of the biggest punching heavyweights in the history of the fucking sport um he made shane carwin tape his arm to his body look at this

so he's got his right arm taped to his body And he's just Blasted him with left hands What And dude Shane Carwin Was a fucking Murderer He almost beat Brock Lesnar To his prime

A murderer dude This is such a ridiculous Idea for him to do this His punches are so much lighter Dude the guy's a giant Oh my god He hasn't even really Tried to hit him yet

Dude when I was taking Jiu Jitsu In Boulder Yeah I was on the mats. He just got left. This is it. This is what I was talking about.

But that's all he needs, man. He scooped him up for some reason at one point in time just to joke around, to pick him up. But when I was there, I was training at their jiu-jitsu school. And this guy walked in there. He says, the left hook. Fucking terrible idea yeah man look at that watch that punch again he's so big man he's so big one backed it up a little bit look at this oh right on him he just kept trying until he got him he's so big a little bit

of movement separation he's just way too strong. Way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way too strong. Damn. Anyway, that guy walked in when I was doing jiu-jitsu. I was rolling. I was like, what the fuck is that? I was like, is that a cartoon person? What is that?

He was at the time, he was probably close to 300 pounds. He's so big, it's ridiculous, dude. He's got like body arms. Like where your body is, it's ridiculous dude. He's got like body arms. Like where your body is that's his arms. And for Ellis to be so crazy to be willing to have a boxing match with that dude and get punched in the head by that guy. That's his jackass roots. I get it. He's a fighter with jackass roots.

Fuck all that noise. You can get some never ending headaches. Would you fight now? What I know. No. Are you listening to what i'm saying i know but like not one of those guys but some other celebrity too many people that are having real problems with their head really yes a lot of fighters like post-career are having real struggles it's not it's no joke man you gotta know when to stop and head injuries are that. What about headgear?

It's worse. Headgear doesn't help. Headgear makes your head like a bigger target. It's easier to hit. And then also when you get hit, it's like it's an unnatural fulcrum. All this fucking weight on your head. Yeah. I think the thing about it is you're trying to avoid cuts.

That's what headgear is good for. It's good for you avoiding cuts. Oh, okay. But you can get fucked up with a punch or a kick wearing headgear. Damn. Big gloves help a little bit. Yeah, big gloves? You can still get your fucking brains rattled.

Tripoli, I talk about having a fight, but he won't fight me. No, don't get your brains rattled, dude. It won't be me. I guess he's worried about himself. About hurting himself? Yeah, getting hurt. Yeah, and his mom's worried about it too. What are you trying to say?

You're trying to talk shit? Say his mom's worried about him? No, I know his mom loves him and he's worried about it his mom's worried about it too what are you trying to say you're trying to talk shit say his mom's worried about him no i know his mom loves him and he's worried about it she's worried you're gonna fuck him up is that what you're saying yeah i think that's overall i started away from the fight yeah if i had i mean if i had to guess for a reason i'm just trying to figure out what's going on i've been trying to find him he won't fight me why do you want to fight him you guys work together yeah i know but he's talking about this fight forever and he won't fight me forever Forever? Yeah. You would do this. I know you would. Yeah, for sure. Do you think you would fight high or sober? Probably high.

Probably high is a good one. No, I don't know. Maybe. I trained high all the time with Eddie. He encouraged it. Yeah, always. It's great. Would you go?

I might show mercy if I was high. That'd be a negative. Bare knuckle, you think? I was not thinking about it. I was thinking the big lows, but that's definitely one way to go. I don't think bare knuckle, no. Bare knuckle, you think? I was not thinking about it. I was thinking the big gloves, but that's definitely one way to go. I don't think bare knuckle, no. Bare knuckle. Slap fight. That's a good way

to get poked in the eye. Trust me. Did Louis break his hand slap fighting Jay? Did he really? He broke his hand? I think so. Where'd he hit it? Jay's got a giant head. He went real hard. Super wide. He's got a giant head yeah he's got a real hard super wide he's got a super wide

yeah he's got big bones at jay yeah how was legion of skanks you went on it was fun yeah we were so high though dude and it was the day after sober october was over blitzkrieg and they kept rolling blunts and passing around and i was and i had to pronounce some russian names Two hours later For the weigh-ins? Yeah, for the weigh-ins, two hours later So this is them slap fighting Oh, him and Jeremiah

That's when he brought this in Oh, Jeremiah just lit him up Look at how serious Jeremiah is Jeremiah changed his stance He knows how to use that fucking reach He goes for the block too He goes backhanded Oh he's toying with him Wow

At the end of the round too Dude Jeremiah Slapped him Oh my god Oh shit Lewis When he fake boxes He touches you

Where did Jeremiah Learn how to box From fucking Catholic school I think Streets of Kansas somewhere Yeah For real He had to slap cattle

On the fucking Where do you think he learned Lewis is outclassed by this 130 pounder he's bigger than that oh that's a good right lewis is 280 dude this is a slap this is tom's this is a real slap fight this is a real slap fight yeah this isn't like some guys playing silly oh he's saying no wow wow he's saying no he's not knocked out but you got fucked up, Gomez. Dude, he got cracked.

Oh, that's the kind of fighting that got your dad stabbed to death. Legion of Skank slap boxing. Oh, my God. Let me tell you something. You can get KO'd slap boxing. Don't get confused. Look at him. He just had a fight.

That was like a fight fight. He flew out for this. Did he really? He flew out for a slap boxing fight. I mean, they had some other shit going on. Wait a minute. Is this round two? Are they going to round two? What? I didn't know it was like this. Keep going out for a slap box. I mean, they had some other shit going on. Wait a minute, is this round two? Are they going to round two?

What? I didn't know it went like this. Keep going, please. What are you doing? Why are you shutting this off? I'm not. Let it roll. Oh, my God.

Look at this. Look at this. I mean, Lewis is so serious right now. Well, what Jeremiah's doing, let me tell you. What's he doing? What he's doing is he's waiting. He's putting his hand out there. He's pawing and Lewis throws these combinations and Jeremiah's waiting

He took a swing. He's catching him. He's catching him as he was coming in. Would you compare him to Anderson Silva a little bit? A little bit. The way he's like baiting him. Counter fighting. Yeah. He's counter fighting and he's also being very smart with his defense and Lewis got a little feel for that right hand a little worried about that right hand.

He doesn't want it. That thing's coming down. It's a good, he's got a good reach tactic, too. He also keeps blocking on the side that Jeremiah's not touching him, which is, oh. Oh. Oh. Lewis can't help but want to close his fist.

Yeah. I mean, you're getting real close. Jeremiah's circling. That's a good move as well. But Lewis is closing the distance. He looks very angry. He's serious. He's going back to his roots. Super cracked oh he's getting very aggressive jeremiah might be losing

steam oh he's taking big reaches is that the round over rounds over there's another round after this jeremiah doing this yeah there's gotta be one more oh keep it moving please let's see the next round they go four yeah it goes on for at least a minute oh my god so they just kept doing rounds look he's got his back turned and shit all right guys this is hilarious these guys are i'm so glad these guys are alive they're just they're so ridiculous yeah yeah they're they're pushing wild comedy dude i never go as far as i go on legion of skates of course not it's just such an open environment for doing whatever. Well, it's also in support of, like I said, wild comedy. You need that. Wow.

You need that. You need to balance things out. Obviously, people love it. Oh, my God. Jeremiah is so lanky. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard.

He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard.

He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard.

He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard.

He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard.

He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard.

He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard.

He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. He swings hard. is relaxing a little bit more now and he's starting to use some technique. That was some nonsense right there. It looks like he just punched him in the stone.

He does. He looks like he's closing his fist every time. He smacked him hard in the head with that right hand. Jab, jab, jab. Jab. You can't jab and slap. Oh my god! Jeremiah got him twice. Yeah, you can slap. I mean, you can jab. Oh, Lewis just smacked him. Oh, he went to the body with a

punch, dude. He's punching. Dude, it seems like he's... Is he sla went to the body With a punch dude He's punching Dude it seems like he's Is he slapping to the body Or is he punching He's punching to the body He can't help it He's an oaf He's uneducated Which is a lot of his problem

You think that's his problem He doesn't understand the concept What books would you recommend to him What What books would you recommend To him Timmy the turtle plays soccer Oh he just got lit up

With that right hand Dude he got lit up He got lit up Oh my god Jeremiah's in the back He's trying hard to come out. Of course, the round is over and Lewis is still punching. What a fucking trash

oaf. Wow. Is that it? Is that the end? That's it. I mean, he won that fight. He's got Jeremiah in his heels. Jeremiah won the first round. Second round, I say it was a wash. Well, definitely not. I didn't judge it. No. People are saying one more round?

Okay, what does it say? Jeremiah won. Jeremiah takes it. Wow. I can see it. It was all who went to. Wow. Well, listen, he did crack him with some big shots. It was all based on round two. He cracked him with some big shots. Look at Jeremiah.

Slapboxing people. That looks painful as fuck. fuck like his face is raw oh my god they might have to have a rematch listen no way just let me tell you something about slapping people in the face slapping people to the face is open hands open hands hitting your eyeball you're gonna scratch your fucking eye and you're gonna have a real eye injury it does sound like a technique i'm not saying don't do it you You do whatever you want, but I want you to know that open hand slapping and reaching like that, you're just asking. As someone who's seen probably 500 people get poked in the eye up close,

you're going to get poked in the eye. I'd agree. That is the best way to incapacitate someone. Don't do it, though. And what? Don't do that. All right, don't do that. No, don't.

Don't do that. But if you need to win. I like your technique. You can block goggles. There's little slits to block your eyes. Is that good enough? That's need to win. Use those like. I like your technique. Some tan block goggles. Those little slits to block your eyes. Is that good enough? That's a good way to get those things whacked off your head. Screw your nails out too.

If you can't see. And shave those. Maybe if you had some eye goggles. Like legit little welding goggles or some shit. Some scuba goggles. There you go. But that would be. It would almost be worse for you.

Because it would fuck with your peripheral. If you didn't get used to slapping people. When you have things on. That's one thing i always hated about headgear you put them on you can't see things here and here good your window of uh your field of view gets narrowed yeah it becomes a problem when you get close you don't see where punchers are coming you don't see where the goggles yeah headgear you don't see what kicks are coming you don't see things coming so i would think that would be the same thing with those goggles. Yeah, what about swimmer's goggles?

I think they would still fuck with your – That's a lot of – yeah, that would fuck you up a lot. They would fuck with your peripheral. All those things would fuck with your peripheral. Yeah, no way. You don't see anything coming. But unless you trained with them on. If you trained with them on, maybe you could do it.

You would get more used to it, but it still cuts you down. They could also just touch your goggles with their face, and they would get their sweat all over your goggles, and then you wouldn't be able to see as good. Another good technique. Yeah. They're both wearing goggles, so it's fair. But they would both do that. It would fuck you up.

You wouldn't be able to see that good. You wouldn't see what's in front of you. Good luck. Let's just fight. Let's just cut the shit and put some gloves on and fight. If we're going to do that, if we're going to slap fight, let's just fight. I want to be able to take you down and strangle you.

This is nonsense. Poking each other in the eye and smearing each other's fucking goggles. Who do you think would have been in a straight jiu-jitsu fight between you and Lewis? Because he thinks him. That's hilarious. He's watched over 100 UFC fights. He's a big fella, though. He is so fat. He'd probably get good at it. He's a big fella though. He is so fat.

He'll probably get good at it. Yeah. He's a big tough guy. He can lay on you. He used to weigh 330. He's lost a shit load of weight. That's a lot. He's lost over 20 pounds.

No, he's not that big. Oh, thanks. He's back. He's ballooned. Are you trying to start a fight with him now? I am not. I'm just saying he has ballooned. I was guessing a high weight at Soder Special

when he taped it. I was like, What'd you think? I was like, What are you, like 240? He goes, No, like 250. Wow. I was like, I are you, like 240? He goes, no, like 250. I was like, I was guessing high.

I thought it would be 220. Jesus. That's a big fella. Yeah. But he's big, period. Like if that guy just, you know, if he dieted down and got ripped, he's still 215, 220 pounds. A big fella.

Yeah. If he lost 45 pounds, he'd be 215. Is he that big? That seems big, Coach? I don't know. He was big, Coach. I don't know. Sometimes you don't realize people just get suddenly big. What's with his glasses? Why is he wearing yellow glasses everywhere?

Is that his new thing? He has a... You know, some guys have a thing. He's always looking for a thing. Well, Big Jay took it from Dice, the weightlifting gloves. That's Big Jay's homage. People don't know that. That's his homage to Dice Clay. Really Dice, the weightlifting gloves. That's Big Jay's homage. People don't know that. That's his homage to Dice Clay.

Really? Yeah, the weightlifting gloves. Big Jay's a giant Dice fan. He loves them. Giant Dice fan. Yeah. Who isn't? Dude, I brought Dice to meet Jay on a roof party on July 4th.

This year? Yeah. I think this year. So a couple months ago. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, November. Yeah, that sounds about right. Could have been a year ago, but I think this year. How funny is he? You don't even know. Yeah, I don't know. It's couple months ago. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, November. Yeah, that sounds about right. Could have been a year ago, but I think this year.

How funny is he? You don't even know. Yeah, I don't know. It's time. You know how it works. But I was like, hey, come meet me. My friend Jay wants to meet you. And then we were just up on the roof.

I was like, Jay, can you meet somebody? He was talking. I was like, yeah, hang on. I was like, no, just real quick. And then he looked. He was like, oh, wow. That's awesome. Yeah.

Yeah, we were going to do a podcast with him and Dice. Really? But I don't remember what happened. I probably dropped the ball. Chef Kumia and Dice doing dice-offs. Oh! They're friends, right? Yeah, they're friends.

I know they had a thing for a while. That squashed. That was one of the best feuds. That's a good feud. Best radio feuds. Oh, radio feuds were great. He would do radio feuds on purpose, but Dice would get into feuds on purpose. On purpose.

Yeah, so much of it was like theater. People don't know all the crazy shit he did. He commits so hard. Remember when he had those comics acting out some movie that he was filming with his VHS camera? The never-ending Dice movie. That he'd edit. By the way, he'd edit by like say stop and he'd rewind and press pause right there and start recording from there. Yes, yes.

You couldn't go back and edit. No. you just decide where you have any software forward backwards forward backward oh stop that guy's about to punch you now you be mid-punch this is after he had sold out like what 300 stadiums yeah he sold out arenas and stadiums all across the world i mean he was a giant superstar after that he's recording these fucking weird impromptu he made us have he made us have characters mars your bonnie would show up he goes you're the foreigner and every time you show up i'm gonna give you the evil eye i'm like you're being a foreigner and then i was like he'd have to look back at him we couldn't go on stage we'd have to do this nice thing he's like i gotta go I gotta go somebody put up somebody else on first yeah

Renesisi was Tower 2 oh my god Maz was the foreigner he had me and Bobby while we were fighting he had us he made us come into these

and like beat each other up oh my god yeah so ridiculous so ridiculous we would slam each other's heads against shit but in that way

his son would choke you out he's very unique like who would you say Dice is like if someone said what's dice like in real life i'd be like what yeah like like you don't know anybody like him why am i telling you like you have to meet him you can't understand it yeah you can't you don't know he's wearing he's wearing like old jewish lady sunglasses oh yeah they're enormous the glasses are enormous he's a giant sweatshirt gave up on dying his hair it's all gray now he slicks it yeah the glasses are like the elvis they they're like not rhinestones but the thick gold that goes back here to get shorter you know legit at the gym every day

so he does a lot of videos from the gym because he does work out a lot still he has a term called in the cage those fucking glasses oh my my God, that picture's amazing. Just diamonds everywhere. Those pictures are amazing. Look at the one above it, the upper left. That's just as good. That's classic Dice. That's classic Dice.

The Elvis. Me and Kumia. Me and Kumia and Jimmy and fuck, who else went with us? Somebody else went with us. I went with you once to the- To the Dice show in Vegas? You were there too? I think I went a different time than you guys went. else went with us somebody else went with us i went with you once to the to the to the dice show in vegas you were there too i think i went a different time than you guys went oh man we all went to the riviera before the riviera closed he was up in that uh the upstairs room the large room

yeah dude we had such a good time the giant sideburns yep look at him love him and wolverine but it was such a italian wolverine i know it's funny shaved the thing don't even down the bottom this is my new sideburns yeah so he has all that he's always looking for a goof always always always he doesn't know what it'll be yet but he'll just like yeah he gave somebody his phone he gave his phone number out on radio one day he was about to get a new phone. And so on radio, he goes, hey, my old phone number. He didn't say old phone number. He goes, my phone number is this.

And he goes, give me a call. I'll talk to you. And people would start talking to him and calling him. He said, come to my car. He turned it on. As soon as he turned it on, it just starts ringing. Wow. People are calling him nonstop.

He goes, hello? Yeah. Yeah, it's me. He got this one guy where he started calling the guy back and then he started like bothering the guy oh my god he would call him at work and he'd be like hello it's like hey it's just andrew the guy's like dice i just have to talk to him his dream is to talk to dice a week later he's like i'm at work right now i really can't so what kind of work you're doing right now what is it who's there just bothering and it's like, I'm at work right now. I really can't. He's like, so what kind of work you're doing right now? What is it?

Who's there? Just bothering him until the guy was like avoiding his call. Just for the goof. The fact that that would be the thing that gets his gear spinning. That would be it. I know what I want to do. Yeah. Like that that would be what he wants to do.

He would either be the butt of the joke or he'd have somebody else watching him. Yeah. Classic human. And just love them all the time. And it's like even to this day, he's still doing it. If someone was in the back steps of the comedy store, and let's say you're a fan, but let's say you're standing straight up and I'm two steps up. He can't see you, I don't think. You got to focus?

Okay. So I'm two steps. You're standing up. I'm standing up. I'm two steps. I'm on a step. And you don't think. You got to focus. Okay. So I'm two steps. You're standing up. I'm standing up. I'm two steps. I'm on a step. You're like, oh, Dice, nice to meet you. You do that.

Hey, Dice, nice to meet you. Oh, yeah. Nice to meet you, too. You just look up. Yeah, it's really good. I just never look down. I guess I got a big fan. It's like, oh, yeah, that's great.

Thanks a lot. I just not come down, not look down. Just like, oh, it's great. It's always great to meet a fan. Yeah, it's great. I think I was like, okay, down. Just like, oh, it's good. It's always great to meet a fan. Oh, that's great. I think guys like that. Okay,

sure. I see you. And then he'd sit down and just ask if we saw that. Jesus. God, he's crazy. Yeah,

he's a legit character. He's always in it for the goof. He's a legit character, right? His message, I remember realizing at some point

I didn't have to grow up in this business. Like, I still had thoughts of like, even though I'm not going to be a lawyer, like, but like,

that's still the direction I'm supposed to head, you know, until you like, you have to be distinguished. Yeah, or something.

You have to change your behavior. Yeah, like it's going to happen. I'm going to become an adult. And then I heard, I called Dice and his answering machine was, yeah,

this is Andrew. Leave me my things. I'm not hearing you. And I'm like, dude, that's a guy in his mid-50s. Right. And right and i'm like oh maybe i don't have to grow up maybe i could just be like fucking whatever oh that guy never changed i don't think you have to grow up i think people will put pressure on you because they have to grow up maybe they're

like why don't you have to grow up? Enablers. Yeah. As long as you're paying your bills, as long as you're paying your taxes, as long as you're not a deadbeat dad. Keep child abuse to a minimum. You said that. So you're not setting a minimum? I don't understand. As long as you're a good person. Who gives a shit if you grow up?

Yeah. What is happening? What are we person, who gives a shit if you grow up? Yeah. What is happening? What are we doing? We have a finite time here. We're deciding we want people to behave in a certain way. All you want people, just don't be an asshole. It doesn't matter if you grow up or not grow up. Yeah.

Guys like Dice are having a great fucking time. Ever see somebody like- One day he's going to die. I hope he dies in the middle of a prank. I hope people don't realize. That way you make him happy. Make him so happy. He's on stage dead and everyone just kept waiting.

What's the option? What's option number two? Nobody's living forever, folks. It's not happening. This is as good as it gets. I will tell you, if Dice dies on stage and you're a comic in the area and at some point people start to realize, oh, fuck, this is not a prank. Yeah.

If you get up there and realize he's dead. Right. You should say, what? Oh, okay. And then stand up like, it's a fucking gag. And then just leave it up there for a while longer. Yeah. See how long you keep it going.

He would have wanted it that way. Yeah. I think so. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. He's's nuts he's the best he's just funny that's just a way to live he made norton and and uh and um florentine introduce him like they go into a subway sandwich shop and they're like ladies and gentlemen avert your eyes the legend is coming

in and then he would like walk in to a subway sandwich sandwich shop. That's hilarious. Yeah. That would be a great show. You have just Dice on the road, and someone announces him like that everywhere he goes. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da! Yeah. Peasants, please! The legend! Clear the floor!

He banned me from his house for a year once. What'd you do? I didn't do anything. Did you dose his kids? I did not dose his kids. No? I would never do that. Mostly, I'm scared of Dice. year once what'd you do i didn't do anything did you dose his kids i did not dose his kids no i would never do that mostly i'm scared of dice he said he had a gun in his in his uh desk drawer and i was like no you don't no way you would never have him around your kids because i do and he said he'd bet me 200 and i'm like you know i don't have 200 so i can't make that bet and he goes all

right well i do and then he's all left his thing, and he goes, don't look in there, and I'm like, I'm not going to look in there, and he goes, don't fucking look in there, and I won't, and then Freddy Soto, fucking fuck face Freddy Soto,

told him, I was just in the office, told him that I went into his drawer, he said I was rifling through his drawers, and Dice was like, that's it, it's a lie, it was a lie by Freddy Soto, and Dice was like,

you're out, you're banned from the house, couldn't go to barbecues anymore, yeah, I was rifling through his affairs, which never happened, Dice, I never did that, I was in banned from the house. Couldn't go to barbecues anymore. Yeah. I was rightfully through his affairs, which never happened. Dice, I never did that. I was in the room.

Why do you think Freddie did that? Well, of course, because of that reason. Because he got me banned. He wanted to get you banned. Yeah. Why do you think Freddie would want to get you banned? I think he was jealous of my upbringing and how I had a foosball table at home. And it always bothered him that he didn't have that growing up in Texas.

Interesting. Maybe. Interesting. I'm not sure. But the point is, I never rightfully through his affairs. You know what Bert said once that sure, but the point is I never wrote for Those Affairs. You know what Bert said once that was really freaky? Yeah.

He was high too, so don't take this with a grain of salt. Bert goes, I don't think you ever die. I go, what are you talking about? People die.

He goes, prove it. You haven't died. I don't think you die. Prove it's a good one though. Here's the thing. Prove it's a good one though here's the thing prove it's a good like yeah good point sort of yeah but what are you saying then like i've had enough people come on this podcast that have you semi convinced that you're living in some sort of simulation what does he think happens that's a good question what do you think he he thinks happens? He has seen bodies no longer have life in them, right? Right, but that's not you.

It's not him. So those people are all just the players? I don't know. I don't know what he's saying. Is he saying he's the only thing in the universe? I've heard that theory. Or is he saying none of us die? What if everyone was the only person in their own universe

and everyone's universe intersects with other people's universes and that you think that the universe you exist in is the same as the one that i exist in because we hang out together yeah but the actual universe in your world is revolved around you and in your world mine revolves around me can i pitch a movie real quick yes once one guy realizes that he's in that, he's able to travel to other universes, has to kill the one person from each universe that's the real person. Like Highlander. Yes. Time travel.

Space travel. And the one will find him and be able to defend himself. Is that another movie from Jean-Claude Van Damme? No, not Jean-Claude, but there's a movie coming out. It's been made, I believe, or they're finishing it now. It's coming out next year with Ryan Reynolds. It's what? Where he plays an NPC character in a video game that realizes he's that.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And like whatever hilarity ensues. Oh, that's funny. It's a comedy? I don't know exactly. No, it's serious. It's an action comedy. Yeah.

He plays an NPC. I auditioned for it. Non-player character. Yeah. That's like the ultimate nerd diss, right? They call someone an NPC? Yeah. That means you're just like a dead on.

Just like walking into a wall. Yeah, this guy pulling nails out of wood. Yeah. By the way, if anyone makes that movie, you're welcome to. We both give you permission. Yeah, go ahead. We want tickets to the premiere. Yeah.

That's all we want. And say it's based on a conversation between Ari Shaffir and Joe Rogan. The Joe Rogan experience. And Ari Shaffir's taping of his new motherfucking comedy special will be february 8th new york manhattan right near washington square park at the skirball center and are the great.com either guy take on for tickets i'll post on my twitter my instagram and um and dude yeah february two shows i like how after all these years you still are slurring your words together. You've never bothered fixing that. How have I made a living?

It's amazing. We would joke around sometimes about you. Especially when we do tag team, when you're introducing people, it's like you're fucking already done in your head. So you're rushing it out. You mash it up. He's great.

I'll join words. I'll make four into two. Sometimes I'll get seven into three. That's a punch drunk thing, too. You think I'm punch drunk? No, I don't think you are. But that doesn't happen. I know you're not, in fact.

But some people who are, one of the things is they start slurring their words together. They said it with my learning disabilities. They all sound the same. They start talking about like yeah but they can't get their mouth to move as fast as their brain something's wrong there's there's yeah this shit's not firing right brain damage son that's what we were talking about earlier i know too many people that have been hit in the head it's just after a while man and the thing is you can retire now and you start getting

headaches like three four years from now i think depression might set in five six years from now seven eight years from now you might have memory issues it's not a simple like as soon as you're done like here you are right now like as if you stop fighting like right now today you're like i think i stopped fighting in a good time i got my faculties i'm all like right now today. You're like, I think I stopped fighting at a good time. I got my faculties. I'm all fine right now. Yeah. Maybe. But maybe all the times you've been hit over those years leading up to that is going to

start to kick in years from now. Right. That's why you see some fighters, they're fine when they retire, but then you see them 10 years after they retire and you can barely understand a word they're saying. That's what's going on there. That's when it's kicking in. People die of heart disease like years after they stopped doing coke is that true yeah that makes sense it's their hearts just got weaker yeah that makes sense i long for the day when they figure out how to

revitalize brains when they figure out how to whether it's through stem cells or snorting stem cell snorting it yeah oh you have to suck one of those chinese guys giant monster dick and that's where the best stem cells are you imagine rhino horn that was the only way to fix tbi you had to suck a giant they engineered that's right we have a cure and also a catch we have shot it right into these monster cocks. That would be the Chinese porn film with these guys. That would be the debut. The only way to cure brain damage would be you'd have to suck one of their cocks.

You'd get these old football players, their bad knees, suck these giant Chinese cocks. And they're like, but what if sucking this cock, the act of it gave me more depression? And they'd be like, well, second treatment. No, no, no.

The cure is so good. It's so yummy. You're going to love it. You're going to want to suck all the cocks it's like the first cock you're not gonna want to have only one what's hard is like just go ahead and jump in the queue yeah just get in there and suck that cock the first one is the is the biggest once you're already a cock sucker what are you worried about just suck suck to your heart's content Now he's happy because it tastes good. The shame's gone. It's over. Yeah.

And it cures all of his brain damage. Fixes his knees. You would get treatments all the time. You'd have women like Botox women that are addicted to it. You would have that. Imagine if that's where all of the best stem cells came from. They came from a dude's dick. And if you really wanted to get them, you got to get them right from the tap because

you can't have them in the air. They die instantly. So you got to literally take it from the cock to your mouth. Sorry, there's no other way. Jamie's like, I'd rather have brain damage. Can I picture a movie? Sure. Does it have to do with cocks? Yes, it does. It's a lot of that. So these Chinese guys are actually

bred in a lab to make, they're not out in the streets, but then they get, but that's just to milk them for their fucking juice. Juice. Super sperm. And they get out. They's just to milk them for their fucking juice. Juice. You know? Right. Super sperm.

And they get out. They get out. One didn't lock the door. Oh, they get out to the streets. And then it's these monster guys. And people want to kill them, but also like, don't kill them. We need their sperm. Right.

So it's first they try to capture them alive. They're also massive dudes. And then people want to suck their dick. So when they're about to be caught caught maybe that has something to do with it right the cops in the backseat sucking his dick when they're arresting him

that's how they'll get out a bunch I got a bad back do you mind before we go in there do you mind no I get it come on back here

let me suck you off real quick come on back here and he like lets him suck it off and then snap that would be the greatest

fucking gay porno of all time yeah it would you'd have to really shoot it well a giant Superman engineered Superman with a giant

hard dick and everybody wants to suck his dick because it cures all of your ailments yeah and he wants out to live his free life i've had a bad acl since 86 it's too important you can't i'll suck it i'll and they that's all you have to do yeah he can bribe any game i mean it's great they've done research they know but imagine if that was the only way you could get the best stem cells it was like jesus touching you yeah yeah i mean it's the labs he would constantly escape like yeah how much do you make a year officer 50 grand all right what do you hurt you got stabbed and you're once i can i can let's just make a deal just open your mouth i'll jerk off in it you don't have to suck it your wife's got the cancer

your wife's got cancer you can shotgun it from my you don't i don't she don't have to suck it shotgun it you can take it and then put it up i guess just pretend you're sucking on your own ready go now spit it in her mouth spit in her mouth swallow it feel the healing yeah it can't hit air at all. That's the catch. Can't hit air. You got to make it airtight. Someone has to plug your butt during this too. Oh, so ridiculous. At least with the toe.

How long before women have robot fuck dolls? Once men have robot fuck dolls, how many years before women have them after that? Well, I think it'll be when men allow. No, they'll allow. I don't think it's a good idea to let them have it right off the it'll be when men allow for women to have it. No, don't allow. I don't think it's a good idea to let them have it right off the bat. They already have it.

They already have it. They just don't have the body that goes with it. They already have the best fuck things. They have vibrators and giant dongs and purple dicks and shit. The next thing is you want hardness. Men want softness, which is harder to replicate than hardness.

What are you, a chemist? Maybe. Some man would want something interesting that a woman would probably take advantage of like what what do you mean not all men want to uh what how high are you what's the man saying some guy's gonna want something up his ass basically as well yeah for sure for sure some girl's gonna take eventually yeah but they can some girl's gonna take like oh you're saying that's how they get it? Like, commandeer that machine or that device.

I get what you're saying. And be like, oh, it was made for a guy, but guess what? It'll be a sexed-off for men. Then the gays will be like, I'm a man, I want mine. And then women are like, can I use yours while you're not using it? Right, right. So if a gay guy has a fuck doll, then he... I get it.

Like a massager's not for a massage. It's for whatever girls use it for. When the lesbian forecloses on the gay man's house for partying all day and not working right right right um then she can use their fuck doll yeah industrious lesbian she goes yeah luther you're a loser but you got a good fuck doll yeah clean it up and bring it by my place yeah is this all part of the movie yeah yeah this is how it ends it ends with a lesbian entrepreneur getting the fuck doll in payment for back rent.

I mean, we're about 50 years away from having indistinguishable. I just made that number up, but I'm pretty confident. No, it's. Indistinguishable human robots. That's exactly right. I think it's about right, right? Yeah. Right about when you and I are ready to kick the bucket.

We'll be walking. There'll be robots hanging out at Starbucks. And we'll go, that's not a real person. Remember that? Yeah, this was already on my pad just when I walked in here. So I believe you're correct. Wow. You wrote that already?

Yeah, that was already on here. That's incredible. I'm just thinking about the sex cells. What were you just doing with your hand that made it look like writing? I don't know. Okay. I don't remember saying that. Yeah, I don't see a pen.

There's nothing over there. No. Anyway. Jew. February 8th. February 8th. Ari's nothing over there. No. Anyway. Jew. February 8th. February 8th. Ari Shafir Jew. All in that seat.

In New York City. Tickets at ariethegreat.com. Ari the Great. Skeptic Tank. It's been outstanding. Dude, I'm sorry. Excellent podcast. We were trying to do a swap cast.

Yeah, we'll do another one. Okay. We're around. I want to have you on. Yeah, we're going to talk about poisonous things, but we got but we got high we did that was the plan to do this and then we could swap this no no we'll do another one i'll do another one we'll do another one we'll do it on things that scare you right yeah those monsters shit you're always talking about yeah things that can kill you yeah a lot of shit that can kill you dude yeah we can talk for days for

days yeah we'll do it we'll do the next. We should do it in here because I would like to be able to call that shit up. Yeah, we'll do it. We'll do it again. We'll do it again. There you go, fuckers. You get another podcast. There you go. Goodbye.

Bye. Yeah, that was...