The Joe Rogan Experience - #1396 - Michelle Wolf

Episode Date: December 9, 2019

Michelle Wolf is a comedian, writer, producer, and television host. Her new special "Joke Show" starts streaming on Netflix on December 10.

mmm yes how many lame wolf jokes have you had to endure in your life you know I like them yeah yeah the worst bring them on Joe List constantly tries to get the nickname wolf of Wall Street started every time I see him is like wolf of Wall Street why gonna catch on he says it to no one it's gonna catch on it's gonna catch on you were saying that you no one. It's going to catch on. It's going to catch on. You were saying that you like the turmeric coffee, but you don't like to admit that you like that stuff? Yeah. I recently got into all this new agey health stuff and crystals.

You got into crystals? I mean, a little bit. I'm on the fringe of the crystal. For real? I'm wearing a little bit. I'm on the fringe of the crystal. You know, I might be wearing a little rose quartz. What's the thought behind being into crystals? I honestly think it's a lot of it's like just in your 30s at some point. Oh, okay.

As a woman, I think you get into crystals. Yeah, if you don't get a kid or a dog. Yeah, you're just like, you know what? Maybe I can bring some energy from somewhere. It's like, why not just like, you know what? Maybe I can bring some energy from somewhere. It's like, why not? Start burning sage. Yeah.

I don't think it'll last forever. I just think I'm in a little bit of a, a little bit of a crystal phase. Like a spiritual phase? Kind of. Yeah. I was like thinking about, oh my God, this is so embarrassing. Why am I starting so embarrassing? I was thinking about maybe looking up like shamans in New York, you know, to be like, maybe I can get like, just explore the spiritual universe a little bit.

I think it means I'm lonely. It probably means you're lonely. But like shamans, like, do you want to do drugs? Oh, I mean, I'd be, I'd love to do ayahuasca. Yeah. So that's, they're not going to be listed. You're going to have to find something. You can't just Google them.

Some narc can just kind of Google ayahuasca. You could get away with it legally right now in Oakland. If you go to Oakland. Oh, yeah? Yeah, Oakland, they fucking stepped up. They decriminalized everything. Yeah, mushrooms are good. Mushrooms, everything.

Everything. They're like, fuck it, do it. Yeah. Yeah, which is what we need. Slowly slowly but surely that's going to be the whole country i mushrooms are i love mushrooms i'm gonna do some right now uh and i have too many other things to do today although i recently did them and i all of a sudden i didn't realize this had happened on mushrooms i got so giggly like oh yeah if you take the right amount you get super giggly like just giggled for hours i was like oh this is the best this is i was i'm sure i was annoying to everyone around me which is also pretty normal but like you know i'm giggling non-stop at anything well a lot of people are microdosing now and what they're doing is they're

taking a level of they're taking like enough psilocybin so that you don't quite feel it. It's like knocking on the door or feeling it, like almost there. But they report this amazing alleviation of anxiety. They feel super creative and really friendly and all these like powerful, positive vibes, but they're basically sober. Yeah, I don't know. Does it affect you long, like if you actually wanted to take oh to blast off yeah would you have to take like an extraordinary amount you can always blast off you're you're gonna be able to blast off every single time yeah i couldn't imagine that somehow or another it would get in the way the the feeling

that happens when you take a large dose where it's like you just feel the tingling and you get fucking scared. Yeah. Like that shit's coming. I always have to put my hand here for hours. Just like on my heart. At the beginning of the Gulf War, like right after 9-11, Stanhope and I got fucked up on mushrooms like the day of the war. And we were watching TV and they were like, We all got to serve our country some way.

That's how we do it. We get high and watch TV. And we were watching TV and it said, War coverage begins today at five. And he goes, Holy shit, there's a kickoff for the war. That war, that war, like the invasion of Iraq the more most recent one

not Desert Storm but the most recent one that is forever cemented in my head by mushrooms and him saying holy shit there's a kickoff there's a coin toss it was so weird That would make war more fun if they broadcast it like a game. It would, right? Yeah. They're like, flag on the play. There's some IEDs. It might be the future. Like when you have robot wars.

Because in the future, I don't think people are going to be fighting people. Robots scare me. They should. So much. I don't know why we're making them. I was doing a gig at MIT recently, and I spent the first 10 minutes yelling at them to stop making robots. They make these cheetahs. Why are you making robot cheetahs?

What is the point of that? Well, that's Boston Dynamics. That's not MIT. Oh, yeah. But there's all the same people. They're all working together. Lex works at MIT. Yeah, he's a professor at MIT. Lex Friedman, who's a the same people. They're all working together. Lex works at MIT. Yeah, he's a professor at MIT, Lex Friedman, who's a specialist in AI.

He's been on this podcast a couple times before. Yeah. They're a little bit too blasé about it. Yeah. No, I don't like it. I'm not a fan. I won't even have an Alexa in my home. Oh, don't.

Fuck that. They're listening. Yeah. They're listening. And I also feel like that, like 10 years from now, people are going to be like uh do you remember she said she didn't want to have an alexa in her home yeah like that's like gonna be the new racist you hate robots yeah i'm gonna put a mark in your door i'll never be senator now yeah they'll put a black x on your door doesn't like robots i hate them hate them never be senator you don't want to be you're not going to run for shit right no never never never i'm

having too much fun yeah why would you want to stop having fun but did you think about like when when trump was giving you a hard time did you did you think hey motherfucker if i ran against you i could really fuck you up did you ever think about that no second while he was tweeting against you and all the all the craziness that was going there? Never. It didn't even occur to me, but also I'm still 34, so I couldn't even run if I wanted to. How old do you have to be?

36? 35. That's the only qualification for president. 35 and born here. Yeah, right? Isn't that crazy? It should be more. Born there is important.

Born here is super important. Yeah. Because you don't want anybody sneaking in and just ruining the entire country on a sneak tip. Although if I was, I'd be like a long game terrorist. You know? I'd be like, yeah, they were born here, but they were incels the whole time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have the kids over here. This is three generations of Americans. Yeah, they're planning in advance. They do plan, some terrorists and some organizations do plan things way, way, way in advance. Yeah. That's like the thing they say about China, that China plans things like hundreds of years out. Yeah, they're good at it. Yeah.

Yeah. They're really, we underestimate China. Well, how about that fucking wall? How long did that take to make? I don't know. Probably like six days knowing how hard they work. I think it took hundreds of years. They were just like, no, we got this. Don't know. Probably like six days knowing how hard they work. I think it took hundreds of years. They were just like, no, we got this.

Don't worry. They were just getting tired of being invaded. I mean, that country is like, I mean, they invented everything. Everything. They've been around forever. They've been around forever. And we just were like, no reason to be scared of them. They've been China forever.

Forever. Forever. Yeah. Yeah. forever and like and we just were like no no reason to be scared of them they've been china forever forever forever yeah yeah i mean america's a baby a little tiny baby we're a little yeah we're a little baby we're a little asshole baby it's not even they have bombs they have the best electronics they steal everything yeah all the intellectual property like fuck you they don't have any rules yeah no no we copy i used to work at this tech company and like we had a lot of chinese people that work it was a computational biochemistry research lab so of course we had a lot of chinese people that worked there because they were trying to say very smart and qualified that sounds racist and that's my favorite thing is like when you're like you're racist i just said you were smart yeah we said you're amazing is it racist that you guys are amazing well then people they get they're like you're racist i just said you were smart yeah we said you're amazing is it racist that you guys are amazing well then people they get they're like not all chinese people are doing

well and i'm like yeah i'm sure there's chinese people that aren't doing well but you know their parents never talk about them well there's a lot of chinese people when you say not all chinese people are doing well there's fucking a billion of them yeah i mean there's plenty that aren't doing well but the ones that are doing well are doing really well. Yeah, you're concentrating on the glass is half empty. Yeah. I mean, really. There's a billion people.

The Chinese people that worked at this tech company, if they were Chinese nationals, they were only allowed to have access to certain parts. Like there were certain parts they had to keep separate from them and they couldn't know about. Did they come over and stare at your computer? I had one guy who worked there. Okay, what are you working on? Me, I'm just like, I'm just recruiting new people to work here. You're not going to get anything from me. I don't understand what we're doing here. But the one guy who worked there, he came over, didn't know any English,

and he learned English by watching Seinfeld. So I kid you not, he had this Seinfeld cadence that he spoke with. What? Where? That's the big room. And he'd enter rooms a little bit like Kramer. No. I swear.

Not the full thing, but every time he'd come into the office, he'd be like, whoa. No. Really? I swear. Whoa, that's weird. I wonder if there's an equivalent show in China where if you went over there and tried to learn Mandarin from a television show, what would you concentrate on? Yeah, it's like a way to hold your, I'm going to get too racist.

Hold on. Chopsticks. Don't say it. Don't say it. Chopsticks is racist. No, it's racial, you fucks. There's a difference between racial and racist. Yeah, exactly. I enjoy chopsticks. It's a difference between racial and racist. Yeah, exactly.

I enjoy chopsticks. It's a great way to eat salad, by the way. It's a great way to eat slower. Yeah. Well, yeah, if you want to eat rice. Yeah, it's real slow. But if you want to eat salad, it's like the best way to eat salad. I eat salad with chopsticks.

Yeah. Yeah. Because you ever try to like get a fork in a tomato? It's fucking hard. Yeah. But you can grab a lot of lettuce with them chopsticks. I'm going to try that next time. Yeah, fuck yeah.

Like forks with sushi? Get the fuck out of here. You have to use chopsticks. Yeah. Or your hands. I use my hands a lot. You're an animal. Yeah.

Savage. Like a wolf. Let's see how many we can get in this podcast. We can get a couple. I got some photos of wolves. Did you see those wolves out there? Oh, I saw those wolves. Crazy, right?

I have wolf paw tattoo on my side. Do you really? Yeah. How much do you regret that? A lot or really a lot? I love them. But people are always like, are those cat paws? And I'm like, yeah, whatever.

That fits too. Yeah, whatever. That's a weird one. The dog paw tattoo. That's a common weird one. Yeah. Is it? Yeah, yeah, whatever. That fits too. Yeah, whatever. That's a weird one, the dog paw tattoo. That's a common weird one. Yeah. Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like barbed wire. Oh, yeah. I love a good barbed wire tattoo. You got any barbed wire? No. I got two sleeves, though. Yeah, yeah. Both these arms are sleeved.

Yeah. But it's all traditional. Well, it's not really traditional Japanese stuff, but it's like Japanese new style American stuff. Yeah. No pause. No pause. Not that I wouldn't have got one. I'm lucky I didn't get a tattoo until I was like 25.

I didn't get sleeved until I was in my 30s. Yeah. Because I would have made some shit choices. That should be a 30s decision. Oh, God. I see these kids today. They're fucking 18. They got face tattoos. Like, God. I see these kids today. They're fucking 18. They got face tattoos.

Like, bro. Yeah. Slow down. It's such a fun decision to make for your whole life. Like Post Malone. That kid's talented as fuck. Really talented. Yeah.

But always tired? You tattooed always tired on your face? I, every time I see a picture of him, I get angry. Every time I see a picture of him, I get angry. I just want to be like, I don't spend a ton of time in hair and makeup, but anytime I have something, there's at least a little hair and makeup. And I'm looking at this guy and I'm like, why can't we just be that? Well, I think what he's doing and what a lot of people are doing is they're going way overboard to not give a fuck. Just scribbling on their face.

Oh, yeah. Did you see the Lizzo thing from the Lakers game last night? No. Did you feel that? Yeah, that's destructive. Oh, I thought it was very scary. Happens all the time. I do too. I panic every day.

Oh, I've never been here for an earthquake. Oh, we're due. We're due for a big one. Oh, that's what everyone keeps saying. They said that there was a recent shift in one of the tectonic plates that it was the first time it moved in 500 years. Uh-oh. And they're like, oh, Jesus.

The other place I was thinking of moving to was Bozeman, Montana. You know why, Jamie? Because it's right next to Yellowstone. So if it blows, it blows right on your fucking head. Wait. If the, like the geyser? Well, do you know what yellowstone is it's like i got like a bunch of water under it right hot water much much much much much more

than that it's a continent hot water right it's a continent destroyer it's a caldera volcano they didn't find out about it until satellites wait is that the geyser oh it's way more than a geyser okay the geyser is there but the geyser is a result of underground volcanic activity. Cool, cool. There's a super volcano under Yellowstone that's so fucking big that when they first saw it, they didn't know what it was. And then they realized it when they started looking at satellite images that it's essentially what happens when a volcano just completely explodes and the mountain disappears and it

becomes like a crater. Yeah. So the whole top just blows up and happens every 600 to 800 000 years and the last time it happened was about 600 000 years ago oh they have thousands of earthquakes there and you want to live there great place to live yeah it's beautiful oh it's great out there but you want to you want to be there for the explosion well i feel like if it blows you want to be there because you don't want to be one of those people eating people. Oh, that's true.

You don't want that. That's why I never understood bomb shelters and stuff like that. Yeah, preppers. No, no, I'd rather not be around. If an asteroid hits, you want it to hit you. Yeah. You literally want to see that giant city-sized thing just coming straight at you. Just close your eyes and let's see what happens when you die. Yeah.

I don't want any shrapnel. Yeah want the full no you don't want i want the full asteroid to my face there's been a bunch of super volcanoes that have killed people there's one of them that we were um we were talking about um what island was that jamie there was one that happened somewhere around i think it was indonesia where it killed most of the population on earth where they were it was about 70 000 years ago they were down to just a few thousand human beings toba toba was that near indonesia am i making that up sumatra yeah you know where were the thousand people though yeah great coffee well a thousand a few thousand people other places other than that yeah because what happens is you get like nuclear winter yeah where the entire atmosphere gets filled with volcanic dust and it gets

freezing cold it blocks out the sun animals die look at that bitch whoa 75 000 years ago but look how pretty it is now it's gorgeous gorgeous. Yeah, it's gorgeous now. But, I mean, when you see mountains, that's the result of activity. You know, that's the result of plates moving and shit moving upwards. Wait, but the people really trying not to care, the Lakers game last night, Lizzo. Oh, Jesus. Is that her? Yeah.

What is she doing now and i actually i went to the game last night and she wore this t-shirt that had this big hole in the back and she was just wearing a thong out of it my theory is that she forgot underwear and then cut it and she was like i can fashion it out of this hole but i think that's calculated she um first of all she's sitting on a seat right there right there her butt is on that plastic delta court side seat well you know little duval you know little duval he had a great point he put it on his uh his twitter page he said how come when little skinny hot girls wear no clothes, everybody gets mad at them and calls them sluts? But when big giant girls, I don't think he said big giant girls. I think he just said big.

I added giant. He's like, when big girls dress like that, everybody celebrates. Well, my biggest problem with it is that you'll see all these women, I'm sure, being like, she's just confident. She's confident. And I'm like, why does it still have to be – it doesn't matter. It's still wrapped up in women needing to feel sexy to feel confident. Right. Or you can just be a really good artist.

No. No, to be confident, you have to stick your ass out. Yeah. It's super important. Yeah, it's very important. That's what have to stick your ass out. Yeah. It's super important. Yeah, it's very important. That's what people do when they're confident. Yeah. It's like when baboons, when they're in estrus.

Look at her there, dancing around. Well, you also got to remember, she's only been getting a lot. Oh, Jesus Christ. How long has she been getting attention for? It hasn't been that long. I feel like I've only known about her for like a year. Yeah, so this is all new, you know? Yeah.

Look, she's got an old iPhone. Have you seen that iPhone? Back that up, Jamie. Back that up. That shit had bezels on it. Look. See the bezels on that phone? Back it up.

Look at that. See that? See the top? See the bottom? She's got an old iPhone. That's so do I. Do you? Yeah. You might be one of them

Weird people Like to do it as a choice I just don't want A bigger phone Oh okay Doesn't fit in my pocket I get it They're coming out

With a new one A new iPhone That's a real small one Yeah A four inch one You should call it A lady phone A lady phone

See how mad people get For people that are tired Of fucking staring At their screen all day Maybe it would be Like less interesting Are you one of those people That wants to get into like flip phones again? No, I have thought about getting a flip phone, but the problem is everybody iMessages me.

Yeah. And then that gets, I've switched over to Android before. It becomes a disaster. You miss half the messages. Apple fucks you. They're trying to keep you from switching over. Of course. It's genius.

you they're trying they're trying to keep you from switching over of course it's genius yeah it's well when they figured out the the blue text too the blue bubble carries status yeah you know someone with a green bubble just like like what's wrong with you like what are you doing yeah i mean get your life together or you're one of them tech weirdos like deep deep deep in tech like you use linux oh yeah yeah you're just like coding all the time a little bit. Like you have your own, like you made your own phone program. Yeah. What do they do with their phones?

It's not jailbreaking. You do that with an iPhone, but you do something different with a, is it the same? I think it's the same thing, yeah. I thought it had a different name because I don't think it's jail. Oh, I know what you mean.

What is it called? It's like you do something. There's various words for it. It depends on bootloading, stuff like that. Yeah, something like that. So basically what they do is they erase everything off of the phone, start fresh with a clean version of Android. Great.

And then they add their own skins and they add their own loaders. Whatever makes them happy. Launchers. They have launchers, different launchers. Which launcher are you using? They get really geeked out because with Android, you can change everything. Yeah. Well, I don't care.

I went back and forth. I tried. I tried Android to see, but the Apple experience is smoother. Yeah. It's a smoother experience. I have a friend who only uses an iPad and can only get messages when it's connected to Wi-Fi. Whoa. Yeah. It's very frustrating when you's connected to wi-fi whoa yeah it's very frustrating when you're trying to get a hold of that person i have a friend who does that too it's just like

well your friend ari shafir i mean ari does it too yeah but does that yeah it's the same kind of thing oh i know another guy who does that too i bet i know who you're talking about maybe yeah yeah he does that uh but yeah ari i mean he'll get well ari is an addict and he knows it he understands it and i respect the fact that he made a proactive move yeah to like say look this is this is fucking dumb i have to uh figure out a way to not stare at my phone all day i'll just get a flip phone right but then he was like texting with the thumbs doing that t9 thing atel has a flip phone oh yeah well he has an iphone too like literally iphone 2 he does it is it's a second generation iphone it's hilarious he pulls it out of his pocket like what is it like fucking receipts and diner matches and shit. He pulls out this old-ass iPhone.

The tale's hilarious. Not just hilarious as a comic, but hilarious as a human character. He's one of my favorites. Every once in a while, he'll do a joke check, and you'll get this weird text from him that's like, Hey, does anyone have anything about raccoons and cats eating flags or something? It's just a combination. It's like a Mad Lib.

You're like, No, I've not heard that one before. before well i guess when you're a guy like him too if you're writing joke jokes all the time like everything's a joke joke yeah like he you never know if you heard that before like you don't you're like your memory only holds so much of course and and he's like i mean his joke he is all punchline yes that's all it is but i'm yeah yeah and it's great it's fucking the best but it is one of those things where it's like yeah does anyone have jokes about like s'mores and and hot air balloons you know he's to me to me he's the most underappreciated master of our age yeah you know like he's a like legitimate master comedian and you know he

doesn't get the kind of love that he should like from the general public because he has zero marketing right zero anything other than people saying he's awesome and people seeing him be awesome yeah you know and he's one of the rare guys that got sober and got better he really did and also he'll bring candy to the club every once in a while, which I love candy. So I'm always happy. He gives it to people? He'll just bring bags of candy to the cellar every once in a while.

And I'm like, I did want a little baby Ruth. Just brings candy for people? Yeah. She's the best. Everybody loves him. Like nobody will tell you they hate a tell. Yeah. I've never heard that once.

He had this one. There's this one story of him doing crowd work. There was like a group of like Latino women in the front and mean mugging the whole time, just arms crossed. Like every, enough that comics were talking about it. You know, like after their set, they'd be like, yeah, but then there's these women in the front. We couldn't break them at all. Attell gets on stage, looks immediately at them, and he goes, oh, why so sad?

Did Selena die again? Oh, my God, that's funny. Did Selena die again? Everyone laughed. They laughed. It's just like, but he has that laser vision vision where he can just, he like sees it in the crowd. He has the perfect reference for it. Did Selena die again? Holy shit.

That's funny. Oh my God. That's funny. They would have to laugh at that. You have to. You can't not. Oh my God. That's so funny.

Did Selena die again? Holy fuck. Oh my God, that's so funny. Did Selena die again? Holy fuck. Oh my God. He's one of the greatest. For sure. Like legitimately one of the greatest ever. Just doesn't get enough credit. But there's a lot in that in comedy right now too.

Like, I mean, he's been around for decades and should definitely be like widely loved. Who else? But like some of the younger guys too. It's like, you know, like this Mark norman samorelle dan soder getting a lot of love soder just had a special i'm not saying they're not getting some it's just like i feel like they're all underappreciated you know like they're guys that are like great joke writers you know and it's like hard for them to sell specials now because it's you know are like, you're a straight white guy. Is that real?

I think it is, yeah. But isn't like, I mean, there are straight white guys. What's that fuck, John Mulaney? He's a straight white guy, allegedly. Pretty sure he is, yeah. But he has characteristics that make you go, hmm. He does. He looks nice. He's presentable. He has a small dog. go, hmm. He does. He looks nice.

He's presentable. He has a small dog. There's a lot going on. But I'm pretty confident. Dresses well. Yeah. Stylish. Stylish.

Very good comic, though. I think he's just old-timey. Yes. That's right it is. They were gay in the old days. That's why the Flintstones will have a gay old time. Right? Oh, now I just want to see a gay flintstones remake they should do that be inclusive don't be bigots you're gonna

remake all these shows let's let's do a gay flintstones like if you think back like fred astaire and things like that yeah if there was a guy like that today you're like that poor guy come out of the closet of course you would yeah you're just like you're just like no he's just a straight tap dancer no chance who the fuck is a straight tap dancer sorry straight tap dancers yeah sorry saviour and glover uh there's gotta be straight tap dancers i mean they must exist but but white ones white straight tap dancers i mean i don't even know if white guys tap dance anymore there's a few there's like four yeah do you know no they all live in pennsylvania hey they're all thinking of getting out that's where i'm from

my parent my parents used to live outside of wilkes-barre really i'm from hershey oh shit yeah but it smells out there yeah cows right there's a so in town it would either smell like chocolate because of the factory or poop cows or chocolate yeah boy that's a confusing way to grow up yeah it really is how many people live in hershey i think it's like 30 000 maybe you get about 30 000 deer around there too yeah a lot of deer we have a day of school for deer hunting Day off school? Yeah

Really? It was always the Monday after Thanksgiving That's when deer season started I've eaten a lot of venison I bet you have Yeah You want some? I got some

I'm good right now Okay I used to eat venison bologna Venison bologna is delicious It's really good Yeah You get used to eating wild game And you start preferring

it yeah well i prefer it i have a lot of like a lot of people i know that hunt out there they're bow and arrow hunters yeah which i kind of appreciate that a lot that's what i do yeah really yeah that's all i do i haven't hunted with a rifle in years do you have to wait for a long time for things it's harder it's more nerve-wracking it's more difficult to make a good shot it's uh it requires way more practice like you could if you know how to shoot a gun like i if i had a good rest with a rifle i haven't shot well i shot a rifle a couple months ago but if i hadn't uh i shot a rifle like i shot an elk once and i hadn't shot a rifle in a year yeah and all if you have a rest

and the rifle is on the rest and the rest is steady all it is about trigger discipline it's just squeeze squeeze squeeze squeeze boom let it go off on its own just don't jerk the trigger keep the crosshair on the animal and it's not not that hard right but bow hunting is like a lifestyle it's a different thing for the guys who do it it's like when you eat something like i we ate elk last night in my house i shot that elk with an a bow and arrow in utah you know like i was there i saw everything i cut it up i do you butcher it yourself i didn't butcher it myself but we quartered it which means you take the legs off and the back straps off and you take all the big parts of meat and then i send it to a butcher and they'll make sausages and cut it into yeah how do you get the elk back to california cooler just like freeze it on the plane yep yeah yeti uh yeti coolers they have these things called um a yeti

hopper so it's like a bag like a big bag like about this big and you can get two back straps in there from an elk elk back straps like you know elk's a big yeah 800 pound animal i just love the idea that there's all these people on planes with like yeah they're going to la with their little dog and they're like and there's just like elk meat in storage yeah i put it in the overhead you put in the overhead yeah yeah wait for real for real you have elk meat 100 that's great That's how I carry it back. I love this. Yeah. Well, you have to, look, if you, I could either send all of it to the, but the back straps

are so easy. What happens when you put it through security? Are they like, what's going on here? They go, oh, you got an elk. Oh, really? Yeah, I shot an elk. Yeah. I mean, they know, in places like Utah, they're used to that.

I mean, this makes me so mad because I had an Alexander McQueen purse you know the ones you guys know Alexander McQueen purses right you're familiar with the line they have ones that have like rings that you like you put your hand through and it's like a bunch of rings attached to the purse well I brought it through security and they were like no you have to check this because it looks like brass brass knuckles oh come on and so i had to check my mcqueen purse my little quilted patent leather mcqueen purse that is so ridiculous and you can bring elk well tony hinchcliffe tried to bring a pool stick we went to uh this is what's this here's what's really crazy we went to phoenix this past weekend we're

working together and uh my friend Scott Frost has a – shout out to Scott Frost – has a place in Tempe, this big pool hall. Scott's like a big-time gambler, pool player, professional pool player, very famous guy in the world of pool. And so we were going to go and play at his place, and so Tony brought his pool cue, and in L.A., he didn't even check it. He just walked right through security with a pool cue. Pool cue is totally illegal to bring on a plane.

So we're walking around LAX and I go, hey man, you have a fucking pool cue with you? He goes, yeah. I go, how did you do that? He goes, I just walked right through. I go, what? He goes, yeah, I just walked through. I go, dude, that's illegal. You can't have that.

He goes, I'm pretty sure it's legal now. So on the way back from Phoenix, they were like, what the fuck are you doing? He's like, oh, I'm just going to bring the pool cue on the plane i was like no you're not go check that shit so he had to go back out we had to hold on to his bags he went back out and he had to go back to the counter and check it and come back wait why is it so illegal because you could beat someone to death with it oh right i was thinking poke i guess you could do that too You just You go up to the You somehow get into the Cockpit And you're just like

Poking the back of their heads You're like They annoyed me so much He made us fly to Miami No it's a hardwood club Basically Oh that's Yeah I'm dumb

That's a better That would be a better way To use a weapon Haven't you ever watched A Steven Seagal movie Oh right Yeah He gets people up With pool cues Fucking karate That's a better, that would be a better way to use a weapon. Haven't you ever watched a Steven Seagal movie? Oh, right. Yeah. He gets people up with pool cues.

Yeah. Fucking karate on them and shit. But there's so much stuff like that. Oh, yeah. Well, they sell glass bottles. Yeah. Inside the terminal, which you could break. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then have a glass weapon. Right. But don't they hold those? Like when you have duty free, don't they hold on to that stuff and then you get it later or something? I think you can buy glass bottles of, like, sparkling water in, like, throughout the thing. I think you can. Yeah, you definitely can buy a bottle of water. Like, a water bottle.

Can you buy, like, a Voss bottle? I think so. I've never seen one. I think they have the little glass sparkling ones. I might be wrong. We might both be full of shit here. Yeah. Let's fight it out.

I brought a big fucking knife once on a plane. Really? Went right through security at LAX again with a big- On purpose? No. My friend Jocko gave me this knife. Shout out to Jocko. He gave me this knife and I had it in my fanny pack and it just went right through security.

I mean, it's a fucking click, a big hefty knife. Yeah. And I was like, whoa. I mean, it's a fucking click, a big hefty knife. Yeah. And I was like, whoa. I got back to my place and, you know, it's like I was in my hotel room and then I noticed I had it. I was like, holy shit. Well, look, I get excited

when I can get hair product through. What's the rule on hair products? Well, it's supposed to be under whatever three ounces, but every once in a while I'll forget or like I'll be like running late and I'll throw in like the full-size bottle crazy and luckily a lot of times it'll be like black women they'll be like they'll be like they'll see it and they'll be like no if it's fine go ahead i'll be like thank you so much oh my god well they know you're not a fucking terrorist it's so ridiculous and also it's hard to find you know the right hair

product in some of the places we go. They were going to let people bring knives again. They were going to let people bring four-inch knives, and they were going to let people bring pool cues. But then I think something happened, and there was another event. Oh, you know what it was? You remember at LAX where that guy shot one of the TSA agents? Like, came to LAX with a rifle and shot a TSA agent. That's right when that was going down.

Then they locked it down. So if I was a conspiracy theorist, I would say they don't want us bringing little knives and pool cues. So they shot that guy. It's a false flag. I mean, it's logical though. I can follow the logic. It's just what you can and can't bring is crazy.

How come you can bring a skateboard? I could beat someone to death with a skateboard. Oh, yeah. Way better than a pool cue. Yeah. Also, it's like you couldn't just have a bunch of three-ounce things that you combine together. Yeah, make a big bomb. Yeah.

Yeah, you have a bunch of three-ounce things in an empty tub. What's the empty tub for? Nothing. Why does it have a fuse? You don't know if this is poison? Right. It could be anything. Right.

Like those little two. You could definitely take something. And I probably shouldn't even say this. Yeah. I don't want to give anybody any ideas. Because what if I did say that and then someone did do that? See, there's a lot of people that are really crazy and not that creative right you know yeah yeah they like they're just like ah if only there i knew a

way to do this it's like use your brain buddy like the shoe bomber that fucking asshole now everybody has to take their shoes off yeah nobody took their shoes off before that he had a bad shoe bomb it was terrible yeah but he was trying to light it in front of everybody he didn't even do in the bathroom the fucking idiot is that what you do you light bombs if i was gonna light a bomb i'd light it in the bathroom yeah i would just light it flush it and then and then and then start walking like like you don't even know what's happening like action movies where the bomb goes off behind you yeah yeah so you do just walk just walk down the aisle you're just hoping someone instagrams it at the right time too you're like oh we're all gonna die but also what a good post but also hopefully your phone is really durable yeah it makes the trip they can extract this video

and we did get this amazing action photo yeah Yeah, it's a weird thing that everybody gets super, super checked flying. But you don't get super, super checked when you go to the mall. You don't get super, super checked. There's all these other places where you don't get super, super checked. Yeah. I mean, I feel like there should just be metal detectors everywhere. How hard is it to get on a train? Very easy.

Yeah. I love an amtrak do you take guns well i don't have any but you could yeah you could poison poison um you know only if i'm trying to kill somebody uh but yeah you can just get on you can get you get to the train station if you're there like a minute before the train leaves you can get on the train like there's nothing they don't look for anything yeah you just train leaves you can get on the train like there's nothing they don't look for anything yeah you just hop on you hop right on you ride the rails you get to look at the beautiful scenery i love a train i do love a train we took a train in europe

i was with my family in italy and we took a train ride they do trains really well it was great it was beautiful sit back watch the countryside, drink a Diet Coke. It was wonderful. In the UK, they have really good service on trains, too. If you take one of the virgin trains or whatever, they come through and they have snacks. Imagine being in the old West times when they had those really nice first class trains that were going across the country. Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga. And everyone's dressed like a gentleman and a lady. and you're just like you're everyone looks beautiful everything's velvet yeah velvet yeah velvet was classy they really liked velvet why was that you

think i think it probably just felt soft and maybe it was expensive and it just showed that you were wealthy and then all the stains do you know that they used to use beaver pelts to like line the inside of their hats really yeah like that was like a big thing like beavers would line the inside of the hats and there was something about the inside of hats that they used mercury and the mercury made people go crazy yeah it sounds like a bad idea so that's where the expression mad hatter came from mad as a hatter yeah it came from people not knowing that mercury was poison so they're putting mercury in their fucking hats this is how like i'm just i'm just like yeah i'm pretty sure that's true i 100 believe you it sounds ridiculous is that true

i think it's totally true right i definitely think someone told me that on this podcast i have my hard drive is so over full so over full like i i run into people and um i go oh i know that guy i'm like fuck he was on my podcast a month ago of course i know him like literally it's like i i'm forgetting everything i'm wondering if it's just getting old this This is what? Something crazy? Yeah, all right. So this is the explanation I just read on this, corrosiondoctors.org,

which I don't know the validity of it. So it was camel hair that was used as the felt material. In order to soften that up and speed up the softening process, they would use camel urine to process that. So as that became more popular, would use camel urine to process that. So as that became more popular, the French workmen that were doing that would use their own urine to soften it.

Some of them were being treated for syphilis with mercury. Whoa. That would then bleed into some problems. Imagine you get some syphilis piss on the inside of your fancy hat. Sounds like a lot to get to there. I mean, this is what you get for having sex outside of marriage.

That's what I'm saying. Or even inside of marriage. Imagine if you wait all those days and she still gives you the clap. Like, fuck. God damn it. They might have even used the mercury to process it and skipped all the pee process, but that's the first paragraph says it was urine that did it and then... That's crazy.

Yeah, I mean, I think I'd rather wear my own pee than a camel's pee. Yeah, or a dude with syphilis. Yeah. You ever see people, the pictures of people when they used to die from syphilis? No. It's a rough way to go. You get holes in your head. Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, your nose falls off. It's fucking horrific. Maybe that's what Michael Jackson had. I don't think so. People develop, like, big holes in their skin like there's this one guy lindsay fitz harris that's her name right she was uh she's a woman who she's got this amazing instagram page and uh she specializes in ancient medical procedures she shows you the horrors of ancient surgery right And one of the things she was showing us was photos of people who died from syphilis.

Yeah. Oh, that's... Oh, here's another one. Old medicine is terrifying. Oh, terrifying. Terrifying. Like, I just don't even know who became doctors back then. They were like, I got this crazy idea that'll get rid of your blood and it's just more...

They just practice on people. Well, that's where wigs came from you know like when you used to see old like rich dudes wearing wigs that was from syphilis people had syphilis here it's like you mean our founding father this lady's face is falling off from syphilis geez shouldn't be a whore yeah well you know what look at that one down the middle look at that guy in the middle with his nose that's from syphilis and he's still alive yeah or is he dead there no he's dying i mean he's not still alive today but look at him he looks like look at his right eye his right eye still nor or his left eye still normal he's probably like i shouldn't have fucked that whore that's one of those things look at him he's like god damn it

i can't believe my god i got a fucking hole in my head. He just keeps walking around being like, it was worth it. Yes. Oh yeah. I came so hard. Fuck this face. But the wig thing came from France. It came from, that's why I like the expression big wig. The more money you had, the bigger the wig you got.

And it all came from these royal guys. I think they were cousins. Royalty, but they had syphilis their fucking hair was falling out so they had wigs made and so because these guys were the shit they're like basically the male kardashians of the day right uh everybody started copying them and people probably a bunch of other people had syphilis as well their hair was falling out so they all got wigs so like when you see like a bunch of people in the old days that were uh in court and and how the judge and everyone would wear powdered wigs, all that started because of syphilis. You know, that's first of all hilarious to think that everyone was in court and they're like, so how's your syphilis? They didn't even know what it was.

They barely knew what syphilis was. Hole in the head disease. Yeah, I got nose gong disease. I just lost all my hair, but look at this wig. I'm pimping. There's also, do you know, you ever watch British crime dramas? Yes, I have. They still wear those wigs. For court.

For court. I'm basing British crime dramas on what I think they actually still do in Britain. I feel like they do it on TV. They must still do it. They must. In court. I wonder when they stop doing it over here. When they're like, enough. Who's the last guy who wore a wig?

Fuck you, I'm keeping it. Who was the last guy who kept the powdered wig over here? Yeah, it was definitely a bald guy. Look at these assholes. Oh my God, that is crazy. Those are terrible wigs, too. Those are not even kind of wigs. It's like a hat. It looks like a little carpet. Yeah, it doesn't look like anybody's crazy. Those are terrible wigs, too. Those are not even kind of wigs. It's like a hat.

It looks like a little carpet. Yeah, it doesn't look like anybody's head. It looks like a little floor mat. Like a sheep. That's like a really well-cared-for and groomed sheep. Yeah. Like when someone loves their sheep and they brush it. My uncle's a sheep farmer.

For real? For real. In Pennsylvania? In Ohio. Really? Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

Look at these guys Yeah Look at these guys This is today They're Tories Yeah What's a Tory? Is that a lawyer? It's one of their parties Look at the fucking

Look at those guys Wearing those stupid wigs And everybody else is modern Behind them and around They're just wearing a wig But they also pull out their phone Yes They got that stupid old wig on.

What's that? A little white bow tie they have to wear, too. Oh, a little white bow tie. What's going on in the back of his head? The guy on the far right? What is that? It looks like a tail. Like he's got a rat tail.

Is that other guy? Like something Thoreau Vaughn would have. Is the guy behind him picking his nose? I hope so. Yes, he is. Yes, he is. You are correct. That's why you don't get a wig, sir.

You dirty fuck. Picking your nose. What happened to the picture? I accidentally dragged it and it disappeared. Yeah. So this is fairly recent. I mean, it's modern color photography. Yeah.

I'm pretty sure they still do it. This is 2019. So look at the old picture down there. The painting, the bottom of the screen. Right there. Yeah. That's what they used to do look at these weirdos kind of looks like my hair he's got a syphilis scar on his face he's got a

hole you look into his cheek oh god he's still probably everything sexual back then had to be terrible oh disgusting the smells oh there's so many smells but people get horny enough they don't care about smells. That's why dudes in prison fuck dudes. They get to a point where they're like, who cares? God, I can't imagine. Well, it's like we have standards until you get desperate. You have standards until you don't have options.

Yes. Ooh, that's a perfect way to phrase it. You nailed it. You have standards until you don't have options. Yes. Ooh, that's a perfect way to phrase it. You nailed it. Quotes. You have standards until you don't have options. Yeah, that's true. It's like people get, look at these guys. What the hell?

African judges still wear wigs. I just kept scrolling. They started getting weirder. What is this? Well, hold on. This might be some social justice warrior stuff. Click on that. Why African judges still wearing wigs is a glaring sign symbol of british colon well of course it is yeah but also if they still want to wear them i don't wear them they want to look

cool stop it opinion britney or whoever this is it's look how they did the top though they kind of like fluffed out the top they made a little different yeah add their own twist to it yeah i mean you gotta put your own style but i guess guess, like, having a judge wear, like, today. Why do they wear those stupid fucking robes? Those are outdated. We're making fun of wigs, but we're not making fun of these goddamn wizard robes they wear. Yeah, the robes are weird, too. Like, the Supreme Court, they still wear the robes.

Yeah. What do the women wear? Do they wear that? Look at this guy. Hey, what's up? That guy looks like a... He won't wear it that long. He's a little tight. A little a little tight i'm pretty sure that's a character from an eddie murphy movie nice watch though look he's got a nice watch fat ring i think they wear i think they

do they wear the robes so that you can't tell like if they're beaten off yeah i can't tell if they have a boner i think they wear the robes to symbolize that there's something special but they're they're much more important than you i was thinking it was like to hide any sort of affiliation to anything that would be the charitable way of looking at it yeah i think they wear the robes because they're mystical like they're the ones who are, they have control of the law. Right. We understand. We rule.

Bang, bang, bang. They have a hammer. I would be a terrible judge because I wouldn't be able to just, I wouldn't just, I'd be like, no, I just don't like this guy. You'd be a comedy judge. There wasn't, there was a bunch of those shows where they were trying to do them with comedians. I actually did a pilot once way back in the day where it was like a comedy court. I would love if we had comedy court. The idea was that you're going to bring people in with disputes like, you know, you stole his records, that kind of shit.

And then I would have to make a judgment. And the judgment actually would stick. So people that had small claims, they would go there. And I think Don Marrera did one, too. I think don herrera did a pilot for one of those there was a few of those floating around for a while i think it'd be fun if we had comedy court now but like in the way where a lot of us comedians got to decide if you get to stay in comedy or not it's like no no you've been doing too much social justice stuff you're you justice stuff. You're barred for the next six months. Get back to writing jokes.

If you criticize someone for something, and then we can pull up you doing that exact same kind of joke. Like if you get real social justice-y about a bit, and then we go, oh, look at this. Ten years ago, you fuck. Yeah. You did the exact same jokes. I mean, that's what people do on twitter all the time oh yeah they're just like favorite it's so great because people are like yeah i can't believe you do this so racist and then of course minutes later it's like again so are these times

you use the n-word back in 2012 well back in the the early days Twitter, no one totally understood what it was. Well, for me, it was I still had a day job and I used it every day. I just wrote jokes all of the time. Just like constantly, I'd read news stories and I'd practice joke writing. I had five followers and I was brand new to stand-up.

You know, like, it was nothing. And then it became a place of importance and i was like i gotta delete everything once you start getting actual gigs like oh no this could fuck me and then you gotta wonder like like today people just store and wait yeah they'll store and wait for you to get something oh comedy central wants to give you a show i wonder if they know about this yeah michelle you fucking piece of shit look what you said it's like come on yeah well it's it's also back then no one understood what it was right like they didn't understand what they were doing so it's like you thought you were talking shit to friends right it's like ashton kutcher was like the first guy with Twitter. Yeah. Like, we didn't think, no one knew.

And that was during like the heyday of punked, you know? Yes. We didn't know this was going to turn into a thing where, you know, it would cause like a, what was it, the spring rebellion in Egypt or whatever, you know? Well, you remember when it would be your at, like, at Michelle Wolf is eating pizza? Yeah. Like, you would say that. It was a weird way of communicating. You wouldn't say just stuff.

You would always say the at thing is doing something. Right. It was real weird. Like, Jamie Vernon is working right now. Right. Like, that would be a real tweet. It was like a status update. Yes.

Almost. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was weird. And then, you know, somewhere along the line, it was like, this guy touched my was very yeah yeah it was weird and then you know somewhere along the line it was like this guy touched my tit what what happened yeah and then it became like a reporting and then it was like news like if some there was like a you know some breaking some rebellion in some foreign country people would be tweeting updates and do you be paying attention to hong kong yes holy shit the videos from hong kong

they have not stopped yeah they're still going strong the the thing the crazy thing is like you you heard a little bit about it in america and then when the nba stuff happened they were finally like then then everyone heard about hong kong and you were like wait it took a basketball to get this to make the news and even then it was still sports center well it took basketball to get this to make the news? And even then it was still SportsCenter? Well, it was people didn't want to criticize China. Look at that. Look at that fucking photo. But also, I got to say, again, shout out to China, is as soon as the basketball stuff started happening, the next morning they were painting over murals and taking things down.

I was like, these guys do not fuck around. What was the controversy? It was one of the, it was like a GM or not fuck around what was the controversy it was one of the it was like a gm or something from the houston rockets he tweeted something in support of the hong kong protests and china immediately was like nope no more nba we're not putting it on the tv and the thing is a lot of nba players have like huge shoe shoe deals and other endorsement deals in China. They might have an entirely separate shoe deal in China

that's making them millions of dollars. And so the players were sort of like, hey, let's backtrack on this a little bit. They did backtrack, right? Yeah. Human rights are not that important. What's really important is Nike. Listen, I got it.

China is at least a little bit upfront that they don't care about human rights. Sort of, right? Like here, we kind of like gloss over it. We're like, it's like we go like an extra step to pretend that we care about human rights, but we're not the best at it either.

We're not the best. We might be the best of the big countries. I don't know. Who's better? Canada? Canada. Maybe, but they're weird. They have human rights, like, councils.

Well, they also have stuff like you're not allowed to. They don't have First Amendment laws. Yeah, you can get in trouble for saying stuff. Yeah. Well, you know that kid Mike Ward? You know who he is? That comic? Comic.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He just lost his case where he's supposed to pay 35 000 because he made a joke about uh there was a kid who was sick and everybody donated money and then like a bunch of years later the kid was still alive and he made a joke like uh can i get my fucking money back how's that kid still alive see it was a pretty good joke i mean obviously he didn't really mean it it's not a statement he's not saying this like right he's being funny he's being a stand-up

comedian that's what he does and they fucking sued him and they won and so this has been going on forever mike was on my podcast two years ago three years how many years ago jamie i don't think it was at this spot was it i think it was the old spot a year ago, Jamie? I don't think it was at this spot, was it? I think it was the old spot. It was a year ago. It was a year ago? Okay, so it was at this spot. And it was still going on.

And he just recently lost. So it started, I believe, two years before that. So it's been going on for several years. You and Ari actually talked about it in 2016 or something. Yeah. Yeah, I remember there was one year in Montreal that people were talking about it. Yes. It was a big deal.

I mean, Canada's weird. There was another comic who got heckled by this. They were in, I think this was in Vancouver. They were at a Yuck Yucks, I think. Maybe I'm making this up. I don't remember where it was. But someone was on stage and this lesbian couple was heckling. And they were heckling a bunch of comedians.

He got up and called them a bunch of dykes and said some crazy shit to them. And they fucking. I was like, heckles out of context are so funny. It was lesbian, called them a bunch of dykes. You're like. Well, you know, people get drunk and they yell stuff out at comedy clubs and it was disruptive and um so that comic wound up having to pay money too that that comic got sued i think he lost i want to say it was a lot of money i want to say it was like a hundred thousand dollars or

something crazy crazy yeah it's also like i don't know i i don't like any time a comic is taken seriously yeah well in that time see the thing is heckles it's like is this comedy anymore like what's what's going on here is there someone just is someone's yelling at you while you're on stage they're disrupting your work right and then your job is to make fun of them but if you just decide listen you fucking fat slob yeah like oh my god he called me fat like is that funny also are you fat are you fat are you a big old bulldog did you hear about elon's case that he won this is kind of the same topic because pedo guy there's basically where he was where are you and that was a joke oh right yeah not serious you know why elon won because he's got $28 billion. That's why he won. And because wherever that dude was in Thailand, they want some dope cars.

He's like, oh, I'll make you a deal. He's like, I'll give you those trucks. Totally cool. I promise their windows don't break. Have you ever seen Kyle Dunnigan's face swap videos with Elon? Yeah. Holy shit, they're good. I love everything Kyle does.

He's the best. He's so funny. The best Instagram page by far. One of my favorites is when he does the what's up chicken butt to his mom. How about catty daddy? Catty daddy. With Annie, with Annie Letterman. It's so funny.

Holy shit, is it funny. Annie plays his daughter and he plays this like weirdly effeminate, probably gay dad who's just like really gossipy. But he like talks about having sex with women. You know gay dad and just like really gossipy having sex with women you know it's just like but he's like always gossipy about like uh celebrities and stuff like oh my god it's so funny it's so perfect but it's caitlin jenner's the best yeah it's caitlin jenner's that's the coupe de gras yeah i love it you know uh commie central this is how fucking goofy they are over there they were gonna give him

a show you know like a face swap show he's gonna do a face swap show it would have been the best fucking show on their network yes but they were so bad in terms of like cutting controversial stuff out he had caitlin jenner fucking donald trump like she was riding donald trump you know because he does a great donald trump too yeah and he showed it to me i was in tears in tears he goes they cut this i go what he goes they said no to this i go no he goes yes what was the reason behind it too controversial you can't make fun of trans people but you're not making fun you're making fun of trans people trans people are allowed to have sex with the president no no No, no, no, no, no. You're mocking trans. You're mocking people. I think you're lifting up trans people.

Yeah, because she's on top. She's fucking Trump. She's fucking Trump. I think that's a pretty good look for a trans person, you know? It's not the worst look. Yeah. Yeah. It could be worse.

I mean, and I think she was a Republican. Yeah, Caitlyn's a Republican. Yeah. could be worse i mean it and i think he she was a republican yeah yeah my favorite part was when you know there was the whole thing i was you know when when all this was going on she was winning woman of the year i go do you understand that she's against gay marriage and gay friends of mine were like what i go do you understand this yeah do you understand this did you just i want you to stop and pause before you decide this is a hero. Yeah. I want you to look into this. This is a moron.

You have a moron who just happens to be transgender. And just because she's a famous moron does not mean she's anything other than a moron. Yeah. Yeah. She's still not good. No. This was her response. Why are you against gay marriage?

Well, I guess I'm just kind of a traditional girl. She really said that. Traditional girl? This is where I wish we could get to with some of this stuff, is that you can be like, yes, I appreciate and respect everything about you being able to be trans. I do not like you. It's not because you're trans. It has nothing to do with you being trans.

I don't like you as a person. I think you're a bad person. I don't know if she's a bad person. I just think she's kind of a dumb. Well, like, but that's where I wish we could get to, you know, where it's like, it's like, no, no, no. You can kind of get to that. This isn't about being anything, whatever the hot button issue that you are.

It's like, no, you're just still a shitty person. Well, this is where the loophole has gone into women in sports, right? That's where it's gone in. This drives me crazy. It should drive you crazy. It drives me crazy, too. Biological women are getting fucked. They're getting fucked over.

And they're not getting fucked like Trump with Caitlyn on top. They're getting fucked the worst way. And they're finally starting to step back. The Olympic weightlifting, the people who do powerlifting tournaments, they stopped it. They won't let transgender women enter in and pretend to be a biological woman anymore well and there's one thing that like women have to in order to like fight this correctly women have to admit that men are physically stronger than us and they 100 are men are stronger than women but that's a crazy thing to say that's like admitting that women can have babies and men can't it's like these are

biological facts of course but there's a thing like i say. That's like admitting that women can have babies and men can't. It's like these are biological facts. Of course. But there's a thing like, I mean, I've gotten into fights with people about Serena Williams and they're saying like, well, she could beat any man. And I'm like, she literally can't. She can't. The last time she, I'm not saying she's not great, but the last time she played against a man, he was like some guy who drinks and like, he was like rake 600th, was like drinking, whatever.

He stomped her. And she's still lost. Yeah. And this was back a couple years ago when she was like really at her peak. Yeah. It's not fair. It's not. Like I say this all the time.

It's like, I love track, right? But in high jump, the best woman in the world right now is jumping about six feet, seven inches. The best man in the world is jumping seven feet, 11 inches. That's close. Yeah. Close enough. Let her in. Put a skirt on her.

It's also like, you know who else was jumping six, seven? My friend Graham when we were in high school. He's an architect now. Yeah. Really? He jumped six, seven? He jumped six, seven. I mean, he was a good high jumper.

You know, like he went to a D1 school for it. But like he. He would have been a world record holder if he was a woman world record well that's happening now you're getting world record holders now in weightlifting in particular yeah where they're trans women yeah it's not fair it's ridiculous it's ridiculous it was in fighting for a while there was a girl who was a man for 32 years became a woman for two and then started fighting women without telling them that she used to be a woman yeah and so i came out against it and all these people were fucking mad i mean i mean dozens a woman for two and then started fighting women without telling them that she used to be a woman.

Yeah. And so I came out against it and all these people were fucking mad at me. I mean, dozens of articles written about what a piece of shit it was. And I was like, whoa. Because I didn't understand how far this whole PC progressive culture had gotten in terms of like completely off the rails and not looking at things accurately. I was like, come on, you got to be objective. I'm not saying people can't be trans. But what I'm saying is you can't not tell someone that i'm by the way i'm 100 for a woman fighting a man if she wants to right they weigh the same and she decides i don't think

it's smart right it's very dangerous yeah but some women can there's a woman who's fighting for the title this weekend jermaine durand to me She's a, see if you can find the video of Jermaine Durandamy fucking this dude up. She's a beast. But she's a multiple time world kickboxing champion, Muay Thai champion. She's a fucking savage. And she's fighting for the bantamweight title this weekend in Vegas. This is her. This is her fucking up a dude.

See, now this, she just calculatedly decided that she was a better fighter than this guy and knew that, look at this, fucking this dude up. But he's trying. He still clubbed her in the back of the head there. Yeah. Dangerous. Fucking dangerous. See, he's getting in trouble for clubbing her in the back of the head. But she had a

boxing match with this guy and fucking flattened him. How is that guy ranked? Anything? I don guy ranked anything i don't know i don't know the specifics behind it but but it's super risky for a woman to fight a man yes but she wanted the challenge and i've completely support it see go to the where she flattens them see like this dude is sweet it's fucking dangerous but she's a super high level fighter right boom right there son alco the lights you just got flatlined by a woman kid watch that again back that up again but it's this is a you're talking about a guy who's just a schmo

i mean not a bad fighter knows how to punch but that's a world champion so i'm if someone wants it like jermaine durand to me wants to do that i wouldn't say she couldn't do it you do whatever you want but the idea that you can not tell someone that you were a man for 30 years yeah i got into a conversation with this on twitter back when i used to get in conversations with people right and uh that's time of your life this lady actually said this to me she goes she's she's always been a woman. And I go, even when she fathered a child? And she goes, even then. I go, we're done.

We're done. We're in crazy town. Now you're just making things up. Mentally, yes. Maybe she was always a woman mentally. But physically, you weren't. So it's the same thing. What does that mean, mentally?

What does that mean? I don't know. I guess like you felt inside that you were always supposed to be a woman. Here's the thing. She's a lesbian now. I think you're probably saying the wrong words anyway. But now she's a lesbian. So she's into women.

Yeah. I mean, it's- Hello. It's such a complicated- What are we doing? And the thing is, this is what bothers me, is that you can't even question or have any discussions around it. Exactly.

Where it's just like, no, I want to know and I want to be better, but I need help understanding. Even the language you're using. I want to be better. Yeah. Yeah, I want to be better. Be better. Like, yeah. Be better, Michelle.

Be best. But yeah, I mean, like, I don't like, yeah, I want people to live whatever way they want to live. Yeah. But help me a little bit here. Like, I don't know know and i don't even know how to look it up online you can't you can't you're not allowed to yeah if they find out what you're searching yeah they'll come for you they'll come for you and take away your world pass yeah

now you can't have you can't have another special because you googled are you allowed to be a lesbian well people literally have gotten massive blowback on their careers because of that yeah you know because of questioning whether or not trans people can fight i mean ronda rousey got a ton of shit what she was saying she didn't think trans women should be able to fight regular women in mma or biological women whatever you want to call it if you can say regular woman like a piece of shit of course she is a regular woman everybody's so angry and it's such a mob thing too it's funny because these are the people that don't want bullies it's like the same people progressive people are the ones who are like anti-bullying oh they bully just as much more

yeah bully each other you can't be woke enough you can't because they're just feeding off of each other like i used to have piranhas okay and one of the things that happens with piranhas is when one of them gets sick the other ones fuck them up they they cannibalize each other all the time it was weird what an animal oh they're so crazy like one of them you'd see one of them have like a little slight little wiggle to them wrong and they'd be like look at my just eat them yeah they eat them fuck them up i'd come home and half a piranha be at the bottom of the tank i'd be like oh you fucking creeps jesus i'd have to scoop it out i had a hamster that ate the other hamster once oh i had that happen when i was a little kid yeah they had like a wet tail this is like a disease i don't know but it's a weird thing to walk home to when you're five yeah her name was fluffy and

she was eating her babies she was eating her baby we came when she was like a bloody fucking baby she's holding on to the baby's head and just chewing up like what in the fuck kind of pet is this and there was no warning for hamster there was no google back then so i was like what is happening here i guess i have to go to the library and look this up in the encyclopedia to see if it's a thing why is my hamster eating its baby's head like it's a fucking ripe tomato? Oh, it was so disgusting. It was so disgusting. It was burned into my head. I was like seven years old. I was like, holy shit.

Yeah. But how did we get to that? How did we get to hamsters? Oh, we were talking about woke people and- Oh, piranhas. Piranhas, yeah. Yeah, like that's what they're like. Like when one steps out of line, even when woke people, they don say hey you know um sheila's a good person she

just misspoke and you know and she was like i'm sorry i didn't really mean it that way it came out wrong and everybody's like that's cool this is what's important kindness that's what's important no it's like fuck sheila and fuck white people and fuck the patriarchy and fuck the like whoa it goes from we support you to burn it to the ground. Burn it to the ground. Burn it. She can have nothing anymore. And everyone's trying to stand out as being like ultra progressive and hardcore with it.

So everyone's like making these hard stances on Twitter where it's like, this is so aggressive. I think, though, that my theory behind it is that we've always liked as a as a human we've always liked to watch people die whether it's figuratively or literally because like we used to do gladiator like when people got beheaded or like burned at the stake that was like a thing yeah like everyone came to that from the town and they were all just like yeah because in that moment your life isn't as bad as the person who's getting burned. Right, right. And I think that's what people are.

People just want to feel powerful. 100%. They're online and they're like, oh, I can take down this person. And it's like, did you really do anything today? Did you really just destroy someone's life who was trying to be a good person? Yeah. You know, and like, I mean, I don't know. Go after companies using plastic or something

like that you know yeah no you're right it's there is a thing to that right when anyone steps out of line publicly and then people start attacking them this is not like a personal issue to them right it's not like this person that did this thing it's like really affects your life right but the amount of energy that people put into it and the amount of time, like when people want to go dig up those old tweets and want to find out things that you said or, you know, and, and this,

it is similar to that feeling of watching a public execution. Right. Like hang him, hang him. And everyone's so excited for it to happen. Like they're just, they pile on, they'll go on your Instagram,

leave tons and tons of like terrible comments. Yeah. You're getting canceled. Yeah'll go on your Instagram, leave tons and tons of terrible comments. You're getting canceled. Yeah. And it's like, okay, good. Did you really feel, does that make your day better? What are you making a face for, Jamie? I just found something dark as you guys are talking about this. About hamsters eating their kids.

Last public hanging, there was like a huge media event. Like 20,000 people traveled to Kentucky to watch it there's a see a white woman hang a black man she was the local sheriff and she didn't go through with it because of probably the attention so some eager volunteers did it and while this was all going on there's like a media circus people were eating hot dogs drinking lemonade camping out overnight oh my god it was huge event, and it was 1936. Oh, boy. What did they say he did? That's what I was looking for before.

It said up there, scroll up. It said he was wanted for the rape of a 70-year-old woman. That was the woman. Go scroll up. Scroll up. A little higher. A little higher. A little higher.

I think he was popping. There it is. Okay. Yeah. See, Bethesda confessed to the rape and murder of a 70-year-old Lishy Edwards, a capital crime under Kentucky law, and one that fell upon the local sheriff to punish. I could appoint the deputy sheriff to deputize any citizen to spring the trap, Thompson told reporters as she stoically resigned herself to the role. But to do that would inflict an unpleasant job upon someone else so she's she decided this disgusting job she was going to do it and then decided not to

no the first female executioner and then she couldn't do it not a good look for women the problem with those anything post uh slavery um1865, there were so many crimes that people were arrested for that were nothing, where men were being forced to do labor. So what would happen was, because of the fact that slavery was now abolished, these men would be loitering, right? People didn't know what the fuck to do. Like, imagine you're a slave your whole life. You grew up a slave. And then all of a sudden, you're free. You're like, what the fuck? do like imagine you're a slave your whole life you grew up a slave and then all of a sudden you're free like you're like what the fuck yeah what do i do well they would just arrest you yeah and then make you do hard labor in jail for nothing yeah they that's they essentially figured out how to make slavery legal and they did it for

decades yeah i mean they still sort of do it today sure yeah i mean when you make a guy work in jail for a dollar a day whatever whatever the fuck they pay, how is that not slavery? Yeah. Were you giving him gruel? What are you giving him? White bread and fucking shitty meatloaf? What are you feeding him?

It's one of those things where I'm like, we get so mad at a lot of the current stuff that's happening with what we're supposed to be saying, the right pronouns to use, all that stuff. And it's like, yeah, okay, I'll try to say the right pronouns. That's a pretty easy fix. How about we go back and kind of correct some of this 400 years of slavery

and oppression that we did for black people? Oh, is it because it's harder to do? It's not a solvable problem. They, them is easy, Captain Pink Hair. I think the real problem is these communities, they've never recovered. Places like Baltimore, there's certain communities that have been the same forever. And Southside Chicago is another one.

There's these communities that they're just, they're riddled with crime and drugs and so many people in and out of jail and this constant recidivism rate. Yeah. You grow up there, you're in that system. Like, they would have to. You're maybe in a terrible public school. Yes. Oh, for sure. Like, you have to work.

Gangs everywhere. As early as you can. Drugs. I mean, the people that are heroes in your neighborhood are drug dealers. So, how do you fix that? Boy, there's no effort put to that. No. They're drug dealers. So how do you fix that? Boy, there's no effort put to that in terms of like a systematic national effort on the federal level to step in and do something to these communities and do it on a scale that we do in other countries when we bomb the fuck out of them. Right.

And also just admit that we're racist. were racist like when an apartheid after apartheid happened they had like a day there was a couple days of reckoning or whatever it was called where everyone went up and they were like these are the things i did really yeah these are the things i did um these are like the laws i broke and it was like this like terrible like cathartic admit to your racism and then let's try to heal after that and then we're all just like no we're not racist and i'm like we're pretty racist well some people are racist but what's racist is that these communities suffered under a system that was completely imposed because of racism right in the 1800s and then in the early 1900s and during the civil rights era this is all i mean that that there's no denying that it's the echoes of at least ancient racism that needs to be

somehow another addressed but i mean how do you address that like people some people want reparations and like the idea of it makes sense right clearly someone profited right there are to this day there's corporations you can trace their money back to slavery right right well it seems like they should pay something yeah they should pay a little bit how did you guys get rich like if you look at a giant plantation and they used to have slaves and they profited off those slaves and that plantation is somehow or another still in operation today right i don't know if that's the case but if it was like uh where'd you get your money yeah what'd you do and then how do you go back giving it back how do you give it back who do you give it back to yeah do you give it back to the ancestors of the people who were slaves and the problem is like if

you give people money i don't think it fixes the problem i think to fix the problem there has to be some sort of i mean we've beaten this horse to death on the show unfortunately but and i don't have any solutions no one ever has one i don't know what it would be but i think there has to be some way to clean up communities and i don't know how you would do that i mean i have no idea how do you how do you go to a place like south side chicago has more murders than afghanistan i mean it's bad there it's fucking bad am i making that up i'm not making that up i don't think so i think you're right but but that's the thing it's like this is such like an unsolvable problem and the stuff that

people go after on twitter like the social justice stuff is so easy to do and it's like yeah of course that's what you're gonna like you can have a hard day whatever shitty job you have and then you come home you see someone got mad at something or did something wrong and you get to be like yeah this person you're canceled yeah and then you close your computer or whatever or you watch people retweet it and you're like you're like i did do something today i'm an activist yeah i'm an online activist yeah yes activist do something today. I'm an activist. Yeah, I'm an activist. I'm an online activist. Yeah.

Yes, activist. And I have power. I'm an educator. I contributed. Yes, contributing. Yeah. It's a weird tool. I mean, it's a great tool sometimes.

Twitter is great for just getting out information, letting people know about something. What I use it mostly, I find cool stories. thing you know you find something what i use it mostly i find cool stories like if i read some cool article like i was reading some article about um china has made um pig monkey hybrids china yeah and they've successfully made these pig monkey hybrids and you know what do they look like they didn't show they showed a picture of a pig fetus i'm pretty sure it's just a regular pig fetus but they weren't they didn't stay alive very long the idea is they want to get to a point was it pig human or pig monkey i think it was pig monkey pig you tweeted with pig monkey but they do it we've heard about yeah alex jones says they're doing pig humans i bet he's right i bet i'm i

guarantee he's right do they they do pig monkey and then just like a little baby boy is born. You're like, you little pig. Is that what we are? Are we pig monkeys? But I think what they're trying to do is develop pigs. Their hearts and a lot of their organs are very similar to ours. And their digestive tract is very similar to ours. There's certain tests they do on how things are digested and they do them through pig stomachs.

Well, they do a lot of transplants with pigs now too. Yes. So I think that's the ideas eventually get to a point where you can get harvestable organs from pigs. You know, so they'd have some sort of a pig human hybrid. But you know someone's going to fuck one. Someone's going to bring it home. I mean. You got some pig lady walking around your house.

Miss Piggy cooking bacon for you. It's got like a human vagina yeah so is it you know a good one too real tight like a drum tight like a giant always wait where does that saying come from like a drum like a drums pulled tight okay sorry sometimes i'm the dumbest person in the world but it's true it's the wrong kind of tight i'm like i'm looking i was like but drums have like a pretty big hole in the back yeah yeah ridiculous you know you're 100 right tight like a drum is a dumb way to describe a vagina for sure yeah yeah i don't think it but i guess it is there's like a weird covering yeah over a vagina like like a fist. Like a mason's fist. Like a stone mason. Someone who carries bricks every day and has fat, strong hands.

Tight like a... Like a fucking... Tight like a butthole. Like a butthole. Like a strong butthole. Someone who squats a lot. Yeah. Yeah.

But if you can get a pig with a human vagina... well, that's, like, people fuck sheep, right? Yeah. Isn't that the whole deal with sheep? Yeah, in New Zealand, I think. Is it supposed to be, like, real close? That's what they say. Probably in Pennsylvania, too. I mean, I'm sure in Pennsylvania.

It's not going to get carried away. When people get, you know, again, what you said, no options. No standards. Yeah. No standards. Yeah, if you found out that no one was looking. I mean, they don't fuck sheep because it's gross. They fuck sheep because the sheep's that high and they're right there.

Yeah. And they look around. What about that poor guy who's the exact right height for a sheep? Yeah. Perfect. And he's got a boner. And he's just like, oh, I don't even have to bend my knees at all. What if the sheep's backing up into you too?

The sheep likes it. Who's the victim? Yeah. Yeah. Maybe the sheep was like, maybe the sheep keeps like. Yeah. Sheep likes it. Keeps nuzzling up against him.

Like a Lizzo dance. Yeah. I would love if that's that guy's defense in court. He's just like, no, but you've got to look at this video. You can't tell me the sheep's not into this. Here's a video of me entering into the pen. Now, look, they're all back towards me, backwards. Yeah.

They all just go right to his dick. One of them is buying, I'm pretty sure, juice. It's a ridiculous thing that people fuck animals but animals fuck people too yeah you know you ever see dolphins dolphins get a hold of people i've seen a video of that there's one of the dolphin like came up on a woman trying to fuck her there was an article it's the best it's the best trolling that has ever been done to me there was an article that said i was guilty of bestiality oh i said wolf guilty of bestiality and it was from my hometown newspaper the the homestown sun and uh which is a very small newspaper there's

like three or four people that work there i think but like it said that i was guilty of bestiality and they did so much research like they got they got like the paper right paper. They got like all this information about me. And then the surprising thing was at the end of the article, it said I pled guilty and the fine was $1,500. And I was like, and it was, it was about fucking dogs that I was fucking dogs. And I was like, well, if that was what I was into, $1,500, like that's kind of worth it you know how much money you have and how big the dog's dick is yeah and i was also like how is the dog is the dog fucking me right is it like a peanut butter situation like but there's there's videos like that that existed before the internet there was a video like i think it was called barnyard Betty. It was me and my friend Billy and my friend Ron.

We went over to their house and it was in the basement. I remember one of us had to guard the door in case someone came into the basement. It was an old VHS tape. So they put the VHS tape on and one of us had to stand by the doorway to the basement just to make sure that nobody opened the door and busted us. And we watched this fucked up video

of these trailer trash looking meth girls that were blowing donkeys and having sex with dogs one of them had sex with a german shepherd it was so gross there was an episode of nip tuck where that happened like there was i remember that show there was a woman she put like peanut butter on her vagina and their dog would like lick it off oh that's real that happens all the time yeah and i was like i was like this is i remember i was kind of younger and i was like that's a weird thing to put in tv with a dog bites yeah i don't like chomp yeah so it's getting greedy it seems seems like a dangerous situation yeah if you had too many dogs like you said like oh one's not enough i wouldn't want to lick my butthole too oh god peanut butter down there peanut butter the vajayjay this is so gross whatever happened that nip tuck show i don't know i think it i think it went off the rails a little

bit yeah it was one of those shows it started out real good and then after a while like wait what what the fuck's happening here yeah too many like yeah yeah dexter went way off the rails like it started out like whoa this is kind of cool show cool idea a guy who's like a good guy serial killer huh yeah and then like four seasons in you like hey what do you do who wrote this one that happened with uh i was i loved the show scandal and it was i mean it's just a i mean it's it's not actually a great show but I really did like it and uh the first couple seasons like this is great this is great season three and four I was like this is crazy and then like the end of it I was like okay they brought it back around but well the term jump the shark came from Fonzie right jumping over a tank full of sharks. Yeah. Like literally like,

people were like, get the fuck out of here. What is this? What are you doing? Have you ever met Henry Winkler? I did actually. He might be the nicest guy alive. He's so nice.

I saw him at the Emmys last year and he introduced himself to me, which I was like, this is the craziest thing. I can't believe you know who I am. Ah, that's weird, right? Yeah. Someone famous knows you? And I was like like this is the craziest thing i can't believe you know who i am ah that's weird right yeah someone famous knows you and i was like this is like i mean it's henry winkler henry fucking winkler could not be further from the fawns character yeah like super sweet really nice

guy he wrote a book called i've never met an idiot on the river it's about fly fishing yeah he loves fly fishing yeah apparently and he just wrote a book about like fly fishing a lot of people who really like fly fishing it's fun yeah yeah but it's weird there he is the fonz oh he he jet skied over the shark yeah i think it was a motorcycle this is what if he's popping up he's skiing in a lake or something look at that oh of course he has his jacket on. Oh! The Fonz!

Got a leather jacket on him. Yeah, I think it's more unbelievable that he'd wear a leather jacket water skiing than jump over a bunch of sharks. Well, how about he's got it in between his legs? Look at how he's doing that. Go back to that original picture.

Are you holding that to stay like balance? Wait, did Henry Winkler actually learn how to... That one you just had. It's right here too. Yeah, but that's black and white. That's too artsy.

Right there. Look it, he's got it in between his legs. That's the pole. Wait, that looks like he's really doing that too. I bet he is. Wow.

Good stunt work, Henry. Hey! I mean, they didn't have CGI back then. He kind of had to do it. Right, yeah. Up until the point where it actually flew through the air and then they got some rugged Brad Pitt from once upon a time in Hollywood type dude.

I don't know where their actual picture was. Look at that. Is that the shark? No, no, no. It's jumped. That moment has now jumped the shark as memes and stuff.

Yeah. So many like jokes about it. But it's crazy that it was such a bad episode that it became like symbolic of a show going off the rails yeah show jump the shark i like a good two season show like i love i love a mini series i love things that end do you watch mazel no i watched a little bit of it okay here's my problem with it i don't think the jokes are funny. Well, it's contextual. Yeah.

And I get that, but it's like, I don't know. I just have a hard time. Listen, I've been watching a lot of Lenny Bruce over the last few months. I found this one Lenny Bruce channel on YouTube. It's got all of his old clips from various television performances. they don't make me laugh you know i know he's the best i mean it means right i mean i don't say he's the best but he's the godfather of this thing that we do that you and i both do right he's the guy that started he really is the guy who who started talking about shit instead of just telling jokes he started like talking about social problems and why is this and relationships and

and sadness and all kinds of weird stuff i mean he developed a whole different kind of style of stand-up comedy but it's not funny because you're looking at something that happened in 1950 and 1960 it's just it's so hard for it to translate yeah comedy unlike anything else loses its vow or its power over time like if you wouldn't listen to like some even like red fox or something like really great old stand-up it's just not that good i don't i don't know though i i do think there are some jokes that stand up sure sure i think there's some people that do it that like even you know 50 years from now people will look back and be like, that joke's still funny. Oh, yeah.

Well, he had some of those. Lenny Bruce had one joke that many comics have accidentally told since then because they didn't know any better. But it was about gay people, that being gay is against the law. It's like, gay, it's against the law, dig? So they put you in jail with a bunch of guys want to have sex with you right it was great yeah back then it murdered i mean back then it was just a fucking nuclear bomb they're like oh shit that's i can't imagine being in the audience and hearing someone talk like that for the first time oh yeah like because like the best comedy i think is things you you didn't like as soon as

someone says it you're like i have always thought that yes you know they're just like vocalizing something you were never able to kind of put together yes and that had to be that yeah in that audience then being like yeah well people were so suppressed then. I mean, that's the other thing about Lenny Bruce. He went to jail multiple times. I mean, he was arrested multiple times for telling jokes. Yeah. Just kept doing it. Didn't give up.

Didn't say, well, this is obviously not smart. Right. He kept doing it. He kept pushing the envelope. George Carlin, same thing. He went to jail for it, too. That's real stand-ups though. You know, real stand-ups are ones that are just like,

no, I have to do this. Yeah. You don't do it for like a week and you're just like crawling out of your skin. Also, the audience is ultimately supposed to be the judge of whether or not something's good. And if that's not the case, then we're losing personal freedom.

We're not asking someone to like, you know, someone's not going on stage and saying, you know, I'm going to advocate that you murder someone. Here's their address. We're all going to do it together. Let's meet up. We're not talking about that. Right.

We're talking about someone cracking a joke and the audience laughs and they enjoy it. And today, even today, when people get upset about someone stand upset and they try to cancel something and listen to the audience right was was the audience laughing well they know it's a joke right they're at a comedy show so they know it's a joke and they were laughing why do you have a problem with it you're not even there so you have a you're just looking for problems look at women in saudi arabia you want to look at real problems look at real problems

why don't you speak out against that you fucking cowards yeah again it's hard yeah it's easy like i hate anytime like i i'm in favor of a comic telling whatever joke they want and then like the only way you're gonna know it's funny is if you say it out loud to an audience yes and it might not be funny the first thousand times you say it until you figure it out well that was my giant issue with comics that were going after louis after that set was leaked the only thing people should have been mad about that is that the set was leaked yeah that should be that should have been like you don't know where he's going to end up with that he's known for doing huge premises that you disagree with and then he convinces you why he's right in a very funny way

and tongue-in-cheek yeah too i mean it's not like he really thinks that someone pushed a fat kid in front of a bullet and that's why they're talking in front of cnn he's he'll figure out a way to make that work this is his first time doing stand-up in 10 months yeah like let let's see where the joke goes but you know that and i know that because that's what we do but there's a lot of people that don't even understand the mechanics of creating a joke that right like a lot of times you'll go up and you'll have a premise and you're like god i fucking know there's something he might eat shit with that joke for a couple months before it really starts really starts catching years maybe even you know like there's i there's always jokes i've had that

like now i'm coming back to because i was like i wasn't ready to tell it then and now i'm getting back to it and i'm like okay maybe this direction yes yes like it's especially the heart of the premise that like it's gonna take a while people have no idea how hard it is to write jokes well that's ari's entire new hour that he's doing you know his whole new hour is is called jew and it's all you know he grew up orthodox jewish like and you know he had to go to israel and take religious classes all day studying the talmud fucking 10 12 hours a day like he was doing the whole deal and his whole hour now is about this and we had talked about him doing bits about that years and years ago but he's like i wasn't

ready because i my stand-up wasn't good enough yet i didn't understand how to craft a joke yet yeah and i mean it takes a while to get there and especially stuff that's personal like that to you and like you want to do it justice you only get to tell that story once on stage and then once you do those jokes hopefully they were good enough because you're really not going to get to revisit them yeah for you to go back over your like hey i put an album out 10 years ago and it kind of sucks so i'm going to redo all those bits yeah please don't go back and listen to the roots until after you see the second version yeah no there's some premises i would like to go back redo yeah oh god that one i could

have done so much more with that i feel feel like sometimes, though, I feel like sometimes you can show kind of your evolution by redoing some stuff a little bit. But you can't, I don't know. Yeah, you can show your evolution. You can do whatever you want. Look, Jerry Seinfeld still does old jokes. Yeah. I mean, they're perfectly good jokes. Why would I throw them away?

I mean, he's done that a couple times for specials, right? Didn't he do the Netflix special and an HBO specials right didn't he do the netflix special and an hbo special where i'm telling you for the last time i think that was hbo right that was all his old stuff yeah and then i think he did a netflix special that was very similar it was like he went through his old notes and like yeah yeah and i think now i think they made a multiple special deal with him or something like that and now he's putting together his new one. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm dying to see Eddie Murphy. Yeah. I want to see him work out. I want to see it work out. There was a rumor that he was going to be at the store, and we were all freaking out. We were ready to go down. It was a Sunday night. It turned out to be Damon Wayans, but there was a rumor that a legend.

Still funny. Still fucking awesome. Damon is another one. He, to me, is like one of the most unheralded of the great comics from the 90s. Yeah. But he was actually really funny, too. I saw him recently at the lab in the improv. So he hasn't done stand-up or anything in a long time.

And so he's starting to go and do it again. And then there was this rumor that someone, some star who hasn't done stand-up in a long time is going to do stand-up at the store in the belly room and everybody's texting everybody is fucking eddie murphy going to the goddamn comedy store is that really happening right we were all going to go down there and watch but it turned out to be damon i i'd love to see eddie working it out yeah i want to see him first time on stage i want to see middle i want to see like the middle. I want to see middle. I want to see like. The middle? Yeah. I want to see like a couple of times. I want to see the first words out of his mouth. Two months in and then like six months in.

Do you think he's going to do it? I hope so. I really want to. I mean, like, I don't know. I mean, we know what his early stuff is. Yeah. He had this whole life. Yeah.

And I mean, I think part of it is he sees dave just like destroying and i i hope there's like a little competitiveness in him where he's like he's like i got it i gotta jump back in yeah he still looks great yeah he looks so healthy like i don't know what he's doing but god damn it that black don't crack shit is not a lie i mean he looks amazing he's he's got to be close to 60 yeah right and he looks 30 yeah he really does how old is he 58 okay let's pull up a recent picture of eddie murphy pull like when you saw him with jerry uh in comedians in cars getting coffee he's driving around with Jerry. He looks great. By the way, I said Jerry,

because we're tight-lipped. Right, yeah. I don't even know him, but you know who I'm talking about. He looks like in Beverly Hills Cop. He's just thinner. Yeah, he's just young. And I don't mean thinner that he's fat now. I just mean he's like...

Bulked up. He's bulked up. Become a man. Yeah, yeah. He was essentially still a child then. He's so healthy looking. Yeah, he looks great. Whatever the fuck he's doing. a man yeah yeah he was a it was essentially still a child he's so healthy looking yeah he looks whatever the fuck he's doing look at that that photo i mean he might be 36 yeah he does not look like he's almost 60 i mean that's amazing look at tracy look at those gold chains

those are preposterous zoom in on those gold chains again what What in the fuck, Tracy? That's all about Walmart money. We were at the cellar and Tracy brought jelly beans. And he was like, yeah. Talking about the jelly beans, we don't have access to them with our money. I can't do any impressions. So this is going to be the worst Tracy Morgan you've ever heard. He's like, I got jelly beans. Who else do you know can bring jelly beans?

And then he's like, eat them. Eat the jelly beans. He makes like all of us eat jelly beans. And then he goes, not the green ones. Not the green ones. Now, what are those emblems? One of them is Jesus. One of them is Jesus.

It's a TM on that. Okay, Tracy Morgan, a big TM, a plate. And then the other one. By the way. I can't tell. Yeah, what is that one in the back? Hard to tell. I'll them's Jesus. It's a TM on that. Okay, Tracy Morgan, a big TM, a plate. And then the other one. By the way. That's a shape or something. I can't tell. Yeah, what is that one in the back? Hard to tell.

I'll find another picture. Bro, that fucking thing has got to be heavy. That must hurt your neck. Yeah. That's like a bike chain. Scroll down there with Eddie Murphy with that beautiful young lady. Scroll down. Scroll down.

Scroll. Look at that. Yeah. Is that his girlfriend i think it's his wife partner whatever oh but he's um divorced right isn't he yeah look at that i think she just had a baby recently kapow still fertile yeah 85 years old oh she looks hot she looks very actressy hot slim waist nice booty congratulations eddie but look at him he's fucking almost 60 years old looks amazing look at him i can't see it there either this is amazing yeah whatever he's doing

health-wise incredible this is what i want of all people in hollywood who like look like that i'm like just tell us what are you doing tell us what you're doing i know we probably can't afford it well i could probably can't afford it but like tell us what you're doing so we at least have an idea that there's some crazy shit behind it. Look at that fucking picture. Look at that picture right there. Is your water from a different place? What kind of vitamins? This is him for Dolomite, right?

I believe so, yeah. He's doing press. Almost 60 years old. He looks like he's 15 years younger than me at least I'm looking side by side on the screen not bad trust me

I'm pretty healthy but I party a little too hard like he's got like a he's got like a little wrinkle right here like a little crease in his face he's a little character

slightly makes him look a little bit better just something that look at those he only has one earring sign of better just something that and look at those he only has one earring sign of the times right oh yeah look at that one diamond earring he's like i'm not gay i'm not gonna have two earrings that was that's a big fucking earring too boy that is a look at the size of that earring that's like a fucking quarter million dollar earring shit diamond it's a good diamond it's a big diamond big

ass rock for your ear he's done well he's done well i don't know if you've heard about it yeah and you know he did a thing um a few years ago right when cosby was starting to get into trouble when uh i don't know if you saw it but he did like this thing where he was at a panel and he was receiving some award he started doing a little stand-up. And talking about them taking away Bill Cosby's awards, and Bill Cosby's, what is it, his diploma? Was this at his Mark Twain? His Mark Twain award, yeah. Yeah.

First live set in 28 years, and I'm telling you, he was so sharp. Did you see it? No, I watched it back then. I can't really remember what he said. It was really good. But I remember watching it back then, and I remember being like, this guy, two weeks on stage, he'd be fine. Yeah.

He's sharp. If he had material, he's fucking sharp. Sharp as a tack. I mean, how great. Did you know his brother? Did you know Charlie at all? I didn't. I mean, huge fan of his as well.

He was the nicest guy. I loved that guy. That was a bomber. That was a huge bomber. Charlie and I did a tour together in like 2007. We did like 22 cities. Yeah. We traveled together for the whole month, like the whole month together.

He's the best. He was so nice. He's so cool. Yeah. Just a fucking great guy yeah i was a big fan of his too and a guy that was basically a famous person first and then started doing stand-up which is the hardest way to do it that's definitely the hardest way no one wants to believe you no you're on stage and people like you're famous let's see your a plus act that i paid money to

see and you're basically an open micer yeah and you get and people are paying to see you yeah so he started out he would host that's the that is a very smart way to do it smart dude he would host and then he would you know slowly work up enough material that he could do a set you know and he was an older guy too yeah like when that happened i mean he was deep into his 40s when things really started clicking for him that's awesome imagine being an open micer and famous and in your 40s no fuck i mean at least then though you have life experiences to pull from yeah you hear a lot of these people when they're like you know some people start in their teens and they turn out to be you know the best in the

world Dave Chappelle yeah but other people start in their teens and I'm like have some life first what are you telling jokes about right you know like I mean like I had like I had a whole career before I got into stand how old were you when you started? I started in 2011, so I was 26, 25, 26. What was your, you were saying your career, you were talking about? So I was, I started in finance. I used to work on Wall Street. I got a job at Bear Stearns. So that's the Wolf of Wall Street.

Yeah, that's where Joe, still trying to make it happen. for Joe. Still trying to make it happen. But I started Bear Stearns in the summer of 2007 and then it collapsed in March of 2008. And then I stayed up with JP Morgan

for a couple years after that. But I wore a suit every day. I worked with like mutual funds and separately managed accounts. When do you think, when did you, when,

when were you thinking about standup? Were you thinking about it in the beginning? Well, so in March of 2008, a bunch of friends of mine, this is like before Bear collapsed, a bunch of friends of mine went to see a taping of SNL. And I've always been such a huge fan that afterwards I was like,

how these people do this? Like, how do you get here? And I Googled them and they all started in improv so I started doing improv and I did that for a couple years and then even at my first improv class I was like whatever I just want more of this like and then I eventually got into stand-up after that around 2011 but it was one of those things where I was very much like you know like a very type a get good grades get try to get the best grade in the class type of person and i didn't

really develop opinions or a point of view and so when i started doing improv i was like you know like you make choices and you you know like and then more i got into stand-up i was like yeah how do i feel about these things like what do i think about them and like really just like i don't know it's just that's how i that's really when i feel like i started becoming a person wow i don't really think i had a personality before that yeah i wonder if i would have been as curious if i wasn't a stand-up if i'm like how much of my curiosity is because i started getting curious about things because i wanted to be able to talk about different things yeah like i i'm definitely much more observational in the world than i used to be but i'm also i

might be a little like darker too like i remember thinking when i was a kid like i i thought about what my wedding would look like as like a little girl and now the idea of having a wedding seems ridiculous like the idea of me in like a big dress walking down an aisle like there's none of that i could take seriously but if you were gonna get married how would you do it i would just go to city hall really yeah wow and then have a party or something maybe later i don't i don't know it seems weird it seems weird to have a party right after because you're like let's see if this is gonna stay but if you're gonna get to the point where you're gonna have a legal contract with someone especially you now because you don't want to that roseanne bar tom honorl type deal you don't want

to pay some dude off yeah no like imagine yeah things start popping for you you got some guy who kind of like gums with you on the road becomes your tour manager no way yeah well that's the thing that would never happen to me though because one of the things i find most attractive is a guy being really good at something oh so i was really good at being your tour manager yeah i mean just the best tour manager the best always has the best hotel rooms waiting for you yeah he's like there's like every time i go in it's set up the exact way i want it stocked with green jelly beans yeah yeah i think well that's the case with most women most women i think like guys that are good at stuff yeah yeah it's rarely it's rare that you see like a yeah i mean we want i don't know

provider someone who's well you want successful genes yeah and that's really what it boils down to men want attractive genes women want successful genes or they want well they also want attractive genes too they want dominant genes like a big man big tall man yeah good features good symmetry yeah yeah all those things are genetic it's normal yeah i've been working on this new joke about how women we like we're attracted to the exact thing that's the most dangerous to us like we like those men and so we make more dangerous men like we could decide to just only mate with like short soft-boned men and make a whole generation of like killable killable killable men and women would be like yeah we're the ones in power but we're not it's never gonna happen yeah but that

would have to be a real conscious decision that's yeah against evolutionary biology it would have to be like women have to be like first of all we'd have to get women to agree on something, which isn't going to happen. No. But then also, yeah, you'd have to be like, no, this is the law. Like a reverse handmaids thing or something.

Ooh, reverse handmaids. Yeah. Like we're going to outbreed all the Goliaths. Yeah. And all the gorillas. All the savages and barbarians we're gonna cut them off every once in a while like a baby's born it's like at the height like height and weight is too high and they're like we've got to get rid of this flush them yeah hold them down hold them in the

tub yeah oh that's not wise because china's not going to do that china's not going to do that use crisper and develop hulk babies we're going to need we're going to need the the might we're going to need the muscle dum dum dum are you worried at all about something like that you're worried about a war with china do you ever think about it do you ever think like russia china like i've been hearing this term hot war you know like we're involved in a cold war with russia we're involved in a cold war with russia what are they hot war bullets oh yeah i mean i i don't know if i can imagine us getting into a war like that again but i do worry about like like hacking like more of like a uh what's it called cyber war yeah cyber war i think that's

much more likely it is much more likely but god damn if there was some sort of like a real attack from china or from russia it would be more china than russia i think the what from what i understand russia does not really have the money they have you know they have a military but they don't have the kind of military that we have it's pretty big drop off from the united states to what russia has but they're scary enough and dangerous enough that we have to keep an eye on them i feel like china ever since nuclear weapons came about people are like yeah let's not do those kinds of wars anymore we still do them in iraq still did it in Afghanistan. We'll still go in if there's air quotes, insurgents.

Right, yeah. And, you know, we need the oil. Yeah, a little bit of oil. Oh, no, our oil is getting a little low. No, I think about, I think often, like, what if there was a war and they had to put the draft back in? And then I'd think about all my guy friends and I'd be like, well, first of all, I don't want them to fight because I like them. But also, can you imagine Mark Normand as a soldier? He's a pretty fit guy.

He's very fit, but I can't imagine him killing people. I can't imagine him on a battlefield. he'd probably make snarky jokes i can imagine ari could kill people i can imagine ari killing people i could imagine ari giving the other soldiers some sort of pill yeah for sure he would definitely dose their water supply. Guys, I know how to stop this. Find the reservoir and dump a bucket of acid into it. This is just going to make whatever happens today a lot of fun. Who out of your friends do you think would be a good soldier? Well, I think Dan Soder would be a good soldier. He's a big fellow.

He's a big guy. And he's also just like- He's a football player. He was a football player i mean he's a he's a teddy bear but he's also i think for the right reasons he'd be like i would kill them but it would have to feel personal to him personal yeah yeah like the commies i don't think uh it's more fun to think about the people i don't think could do it like like there's no way keith rob even before his stroke, was getting into a war. That's fucked up.

But after the stroke, maybe he's got less to lose. No, he's even now. Now he'd be like, I'm out. I got a stroke. Look at me. I can't fight. Has he had any recovery of his motor skills? It's still pretty much not super usable.

But he gets up on stage every night. Jokes are probably funnier than ever. His stroke material is really, really good. Really? Yeah. Wow. That's awesome. Yeah.

And he's one of my favorite people to sit at the table with. Because you sit down, you're immediately making fun of each other. You're making fun of everyone else. It's just jokes the whole night. People don't understand why that's so fun for us. To shit on each other. It's great. It's so much fun.

It's one of my favorite things to do. It's one of my favorite things, too, about comics is shitting on each other. It's fun. And also, it's good for you. It really is. It's healthy to like get shit on. So you laugh and like know that you could laugh at yourself. People who can't laugh at someone shitting on them.

They're the worst. The worst. It's the worst. Yeah. It's just like, we're just having fun. It's also like, it allows us to say the stuff that like,

cause comics will say pretty much anything on stage, but there is a line where we're like, no, this is for only other comics. Like this is, we got to. Yes. There's oftentimes we'll be in a discussion and we'll kind of look around and be like,

if that guy heard any of that stuff we were talking about having sex with midgets, I don't think any of us are going to have a career anymore. Yeah, if someone put like a hidden camera and a hidden microphone in the back bar of the comedy store, oh, Jesus Christ. No, yeah. I mean Jesus Christ. No. Yeah. I mean, really, really in trouble.

When you're trying to shock other comics. You know what I'm saying? Shock road-hardened veterans. Well, because our problem is that, like, we want to say the funniest thing. Yeah. And normally that's way past the line. Right. Even past our line, where you're just like, no, this isn't.

I have this sober october group text that i'm in with uh ari shafir burt kreischer and tom segura and it's fucking ridiculous yeah sometimes it's so it's sometimes it's so ruthless and so ridiculous i just go oh fuck i'm in a few of those texts yeah group texts group texts with other comics are the best it's so great i also have a group text that's with a couple of my female friends and like that one i'll look away from my phone and then i'll look back a minute or two later and there'd be like 96 texts and i'm just like what happened and there's three different conversations going on simultaneously yeah i can't do that it's i don't understand that it's really like being being friends with women is a lot of work it's like you prefer being friends with men i i love being friends with men i also love being

friends with women because there's stuff that they you can talk to them about that just like either you can say it to men but they're not going to have the in-depth discussion about it that you want it to happen you know like women will just indulge each other and be like but how did he say it you know like oh he put a period like was there a period after the text and he's like yeah there was a period well then yeah i don't think that's good yeah if he just left it open maybe it's casual yeah you know what how many times have you had a conversation when someone just writes something like sure yes like what does that mean i do it sure i mean i do it accidentally sometimes i'll be like yeah sure oh no i won't say yeah i'll just say sure right do

you want to go there sure okay she's mad yeah she's mad sure yeah sure sure sounds like a fight is about to happen yeah sure sure you always decide you always another like more aggressive would be fine fine yeah do you want to go there fine oh fine yeah fuck that i'm in trouble fine a lot of trouble fine it's not good you go to pick her up she's not smiling like what are we doing should we do this should we stay home fine if you want to fight let's just do it now and not wait till we get to the restaurant what is fine the fuck does that mean i also think it's good for men when women have a lot of female friends because like good for the other person you're dating or married to you should want your girlfriend to have a couple female friends so that she can have the conversations.

Oh, yeah. With like the more I think about relationships, the more I'm like, no, men and women like a husband and wife shouldn't be having all of those discussions. Like he doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't want to hear it. Have it with your girlfriends and then just talk to him about whatever else like yes i couldn't agree more it's it's it's an unrealistic expectation i go on double dates with my wife and her and her friend and me and it winds up being two different conversations i get stuck with the husband and she's talking to her friend like oh my god so cute oh my god did he say that oh my god oh my

god oh my god yeah they just have these these rambling girl conversations like hey hey let's have one conversation yeah you can't do this girl conversations like hey hey let's have one conversation yeah you can't do this two conversations things yeah and it's like it's so it's so nice to have like the girls just to be like yeah i get to indulge the girl side of myself right that's that's a thing that's a real thing it's a real thing yeah yeah like some some people want to pretend that men and women are the same thing. This is, I think that's such a detriment to both men and women. Like saying that women are the same as men, it's like, well, we're not.

But also, why do we want to be? Right. Why is that happening? Why is that even the standard? Right. Like just let women be what we are. Yes. And men can be what they are.

And then there's some people that do float in the middle, but well i think it all gets conflated with equal rights like equality equal rights equal laws equal you know willingness to try different jobs those kinds of things yeah and then we decide that men and women are not any different and that these are all cultural creations and these are these are things that are concocted by society right and i think i mean i think it's kind of it's bad for women when we say well we're just the same as men because it's like you're saying with that sentence that men are correct and when you start finally start to think of us as men as the same as men now we're correct too well i like to say is that men and women aren't math exactly we're not equal we're different things yeah it's not it's not an equality thing you make all the people like there will never be

equal to you you make every fucking human that's ever made is made in a woman's body. Exactly. This whole thing, though, is weird to me because I'm like, where did this come from? This didn't exist before. The equal rights thing existed before. Yeah. But it's some sort of a cultural creation that women are different than men. That this is something that society has sort of imposed on women. Like, no, women like different things.

Yeah. And, like, we just sometimes just like to be around each other, which men, I think, sometimes just like to be around each other, too. For sure. You know, it's like, I can hang out with the boys, no problem. I grew up with older brothers. You know, like, all I ever did was hang out with boys. But now, like, I also see so much value in just getting to be with girls.

Yeah, you should. I mean, and men do with men. There's a lot of stuff that men like that women don't, a lot of women, don't have interest in. Yeah. Yeah. That's okay. It's fine. But this idea, like, that's toxic. Like, toxic masculinity and, like, all this nonsense that we hear today.

It's all exactly what we were talking about before, where people try to control people and define people yeah it's the same thing it's like i think that's one of the reasons you see it a lot especially online from white women because we want to have power you know like we want to we want to be able to and i mean us being able to tell other people what they can and cannot do or say is us just being like, yep, that's our power now. We might never be better than white men, you know, but we can at least control what you get to say about us. And I think as soon as white women are like, yeah, we do like to have control, then we'll be like, thank you. Let's dismantle all of this it's the same it's the same kind of toxic masculinity you know like it's just like it's all toxic yeah you know like how dare you tell what black people how to feel about you know like what jokes we can and cannot say about black people did you ask any of them

you know like you'll see it starts i'm sure see it at stand-up shows where there's, like, white women with their arms crossed. And then, like, when you start talking about race and then black people who are laughing and you're like, they're like, you shouldn't be able to tell jokes about black people like that. And it's like, did you look? Well, I think a lot of it, too, is people working in offices all day where they're constantly suppressed. Right. Like, the way you communicate in an office is so vastly different than the way a comic communicates on stage in front of a night club yeah it's so different that most people the vast majority of their day is under the spell of

human resources right you know they're they have this imposed standard of communication that's it's not how they want to talk it's not how they want to behave and think like look and also men and women working together is strange it's strange and anybody says it's not strange never work with women and men together right because people get attracted to each other people get petty people get jealous people get flirty people get mean people get controlling they play social games with each other yeah and like i mean it's one of those things where it's like you can't even broach the subject now because people are like it's not an issue and i'm like no there are so many issues it's fraught with issues yes like let's talk about it like okay yeah there's a lot of sexual harassment that happens in offices but

there's also a lot of legitimate relationships that happen in offices like there's flirting there's one night stands there's you know like all of this is happening get married and have kids people people fuck for a while and then they might hate each other but they still got to figure out how to work together that happens all the time all the time the hilarious thing is when that happens and there's a boss and someone who's below them yeah they'll say oh he abused his power and again i i look at from my perspective where i'm like i'm attracted to men who are good and powerful so if i were gonna have i worked in an office and my boss was really good looking and i was attracted to him and there was a chemistry and we started sleeping together like that's what

i wanted and then you know like like yeah this is like you're gonna get canceled just for saying that a hundred percent you can't say that you can't say that you want to be with someone powerful and uh someone who's uh who holds something over you yeah i do you should fuck the janitor be a good person yeah i mean if he's really hot you know he needs a green card anyway oh well you could hook him up you get married now there's a whole thing yes but take it seriously it's it's important for his culture don't be an asshole i'm his uh i'm his way in there you go i do think like i do see it now and this is a weird thing but like super feminist women i do see a lot of them kind of dating like jawless like kind of pushover guys yeah and i'm like i'm like oh maybe they're maybe they're the women i'm

talking about they're like no i found these short so i found these soft-boned men you know like jawless is a fun way to describe it they're so jawless jawless jawless men fuck that's such a bummer but really bad genes like that like oh there's not a goddamn thing they can do about that no i don't i don't think you can get a new jaw they give you a jaw surgery they can like try to grow your jaw out with like they cut your jaw and break it and oh i know a lady who got a chin she had a chin like this and she didn't want to keep it so she got a chin implant i think they might have done something to her actual jaw itself too but it was one of those very unfortunate chins you know and then she what she Couldn't eat for like?

I don't know. They put a piece of plastic or something where her chin, like it used to go in too far. And then it came out a little bit. Did she have syphilis? I don't know. I didn't ask. I didn't know her that well.

She told me she had a chin implant. I was like, what? She had a what? Like your jaw? She didn't like the shape of her jaw. So she got her jaw reworked. Well, some of these guys should get, look into that. I don't think there's much you can do

if you have a tiny little jaw. Fuck. That's a bummer. But yeah, working with men and women working together is like, there's a way to figure it out, but it's fraught with complications. It is. And the real issue is people holding things over you

in order to get you to sleep with them it's not a hundred percent you being someone who works with someone who's legitimately attracted to this guy and then you get together it's still if i was running a company i'd say hey don't fuck each other you assholes i'm trying to make money right yeah i want productivity i don't want yeah like i don't want to. And I can't condone it legally, right? Because if I say, yeah, what are you, banging your secretary? All right, fuck yeah. Take a picture.

Come on. You know, like, what am I going to say? You would have to say that it's in the rules and regulations, you would have to say. But there's no way you can tell me that it's not possible for a man and a woman who are working together, and the guy's the boss and the woman works under him and they fall in love and they have an amazing relationship it happens all the time it does bill and melinda gates oh she worked at microsoft that piece of shit bill is a piece of shit i mean he's a power hungry piece of shit who abused his

power and you can see it when you look at it it's basically rape it's basically rape basically power over her. Basically. Yeah. He held power over her. She's actually been a prisoner. Oh my God, I can't believe this. We've got to give her half of that $100 billion that he has and get her out of that ivory tower.

Of course this happens. Of course. Yeah, of course it happens. Yeah, it's what the real issue is someone sexually harassing you like some guy was holding a promotion over your head saying that he wants you to sleep with him or making lewd comments and make you feel disgusted right or you show up to work and you're not interested in that person at all you just want to do your job and they're making comments about your breasts or your legs or your mouth or fuck oh the mouth comments are the worst they're somehow creepier than like the breast or the butt. It's just like your mouth.

Oh, stop it. Just picture him with his, just fly down, pants still on. Oh God. Oh, look at that little mouth.

Stop talking about my mouth. There's no, the problem is there's no equivalent with men. There's no one thing that a woman could say to a man that makes him feel like a piece of meat like that. Like humiliated. It's so hard to sexually harass men because they're into so much of it. Yeah, we'd like it. Yeah.

Yeah. Especially if we're attracted to you. You sexually harass. Like if your boss is like, you want this job? You got to eat my pussy. Be like, I don't eat your pussy. Let's fucking do this. Here or later or?

I'll throw you on that desk right now. How much am I getting? How much of a raise are we talking about here? Can I also get a couple extra vacation days? How many days do I get and how many can I get? Does it depend on the performance? Right, right, right. Like, what if I really know what I'm doing?

Can we do this a lot? She's like, well, let me see. I i don't know i'll give you a performance review i know you're married and i have a wife as well so let's just like keep this in the salon i'll just fuck the shit out of your work we're good we're good i'll make an extra 40 40 50 grand a year by the way we are gonna need to get something to lock that door and you want the matt lauer buttons click yeah but the thing is like even if so even if like a male boss even if he got everything like in writing beforehand saying like this is consensual yes you i think you could easily say afterwards it wasn't i felt coerced into that's what's exactly happening with matt lauer yeah that's exactly what happened yeah that's exactly he with Matt Lauer. Yeah. That's exactly what happened. Is it? Yeah, that's exactly. He was having a sexual affair with a woman that he worked with that wasn't even under him.

She was in a different department. And they're still saying that he had power over her. It might be correct, though. See, the thing is, this Ronan Farrow guy, he's obviously a real legitimate journalist. He's done a deep dive into these things. He's obviously a real legitimate journalist, and he's done a deep dive into these things. So it's so hard to say. Until Matt Lauer comes out and just has to make statements, I guess, on all these different things.

Because apparently there were some people that got paid off. Right. And it's something that NBC denied. And then he's proven there's been several different compensation pay payoffs people that were sexually harassed well even when you hear like about payments you're like yeah that might mean it's legitimate or it might mean that they thought this is the easiest way to fix this problem unless you're talking about bill o'reilly that is yeah that's the gold standard of sexual harassment when you paid that chick 32 million you're like what did you say bill yeah what did you do that's not just keep quiet money that's just like no we don't i don't want to deal with it anymore just give her the 32 million it's like million and we

went over it apparently there's also a clause that she has to deny that anything ever took place and then if evidence comes out she has to lie and say that evidence is not valid i mean for 32 million you gotta do you're in the clear for life you don't have to work again that lady right now has probably got her feet up she's probably got got like fluffy slippers on, sipping tea. Living exactly where she wants to live. Laughing. Ha! Yeah.

Because every now and then she just like wakes up in the morning and then just realize she doesn't have to do shit ever again. Ha! Fuck you, Bill. I mean, she won. Oh my God, did she win. She won $32 million. Yeah.

If you live a reasonable life, you don't have to do a goddamn thing with $32 million. You take vacations every year. You buy a nice, fat new car every year. You live in a beautiful house. You don't have to do shit. You have help. You have like, I mean. Yes.

You're set. $32 million. What is that? In just 10%, that's three million dollars a year just in interest yeah right if you can make your money work for you you're a financial person is that real can you do that get 10 interest it's i mean it depends what you're what you're invested in if you have legit 32 million the bank, what would you get out of that? Well, is it just in, what is it in?

It would have to be in funds and 401ks. What would it have to be in in order to get $3 million a year? I don't know. What would it have to be in? Don't need made off type shit? I mean, I only ever sold mutual funds. We did due diligence on mutual funds Like that's what we We did like

Due diligence on mutual funds And stuff like that And what's a good return It really depends Like I mean there's There's a lot of funds That like it fluctuates But there's like a good 4%

You know like 4% Yeah That's not good enough You need 10 She wants to live like a baller Yeah she needs more I'm sure there's higher yield ones

That you could use 4% is not even a million a year. She needs 10. What are we going to do? We got to diversify. We got to diversify. I don't have anything in the stock market anymore because after Bear collapsed and I saw, I literally saw people that were working there for 30 years lose everything because they lost their job

and they were reinvested in the company, which they say you're not supposed to do but this company like bear like built itself on being like like loyalty and like you know like like work for us help people move ahead and then they'd reinvest back into the company you give you get stocks like all this stuff and then you lost your job and the stock price went from 130 to two dollars you're fucked did it help you when everything crashed to give you a jump to get into stand-up and go balls out no it was sorry for the male expression how dare you gender uh yeah because you can't say labia out that's very weird what can you say clit out yeah i real i went real clit out on this that sounds bad coming out of my little mouth oh my god no it was like i was i was cheap i was cheap relatively cheap labor compared to everyone

else i knew i wasn't gonna lose my job um i also came up with a microsoft access program that we used in the department that no one else knew how to use really yeah so that was so you kind of had your job locked in yeah but the company could go under the company could go under but it wasn't i was still in the early enough phase that like i i had no idea what this whole comedy thing was going to turn into. Did it give you motivation, knowing that all these people that did work hard towards a legitimate career, that it could all fall apart on them? I mean, that scarred me, I think, in a different way where I was just like, oh, you can't trust the stock market. It didn't make me worry about my career or anything like that.

Like I was, I think I was too young to think about longevity career wise. And I was too new in comedy to think it was like that could all fall apart. I was, I didn't assume it was going to go anywhere anyway. And, but it really did. Like people are always like, well, you should be invested.

You should be at Mike. They're like, no, over time no over time i'm like no i know all the sayings but if it crashes when you want to retire it doesn't matter like if you're at 60 or whatever it is and you want to retire and your 401k just completely drops then you, what, 10 more years to retire until it gets back up to where it was. Oof. So, you know,

keep it in cash, baby. Is that what you do now? Yeah. You got a safe at home? Every now and then you throw the money on the bed

and just roll it around? Yeah. Every once in a while. Like, indecent proposal? How bad would that be? Like, you're like,

I'm just going to roll around in this money and then afterwards you're like, I got to going to roll around in this money and then afterwards you're like, I got to clean up all this money. Not only that, you test positive for cocaine. Yeah.

You got like, you got every germ. Yeah. If you're naked and you're rolling around with money. Disgusting. That's fucking gross.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't even like, I like wash my hands after I touch money. You should. Yeah. It's disgusting.

I mean, it's, it's, everyone's carrying it. Yeah. So it's, it's something that we know people touch. It's like one of the one things that you know has been passed on from person to person to person to person. Very few objects like a watch or a light, very few objects touched by as many people as money. Yeah. And often.

And strangers. Yeah. Dirty people. It's on the ground. Yes. It's in a machine. objects touched by as many people as money yeah and often and strangers yeah dirty people it's on the ground yes it's in a machine yes it's gross and the numbers of people that get dollar bills that test positive for cocaine it's crazy it's off the charts yeah they did some study on hundred dollar bills like the the percentage of hundred dollar bills test positive for cocaine it's really high yeah yeah it's really high yeah i mean i guess it would be hundreds yeah hundreds in circulation you're trying to impress people i don't give a fuck i'm gonna light it on fire when i'm done did you see that walmart sweater they got in trouble for yeah the cocaine santa cocaine i don't even know they're so, they didn't even know what the fuck it was.

Yeah, they were like, no, it's snow. No, no, no, stupid. He's got a straw in his hand. What's the percentage of dollar bills? Does it say? Yeah, but... What? It's not legit?

Fecal matter showed up more than cocaine. It's a lot of poop. Of course. Dirty people wipe their hands with their own hands. Just smudge it on their dollar bills. Maybe they wipe their ass with dollar bills when they run out of toilet paper and then they wash the dollar bill off in the sink

but do a shitty job of it. Pardon the pun. I mean, if you did run out of toilet paper. Yeah, you could. It's probably solid. Clean it off in the sink. It says the flu can last for up to 17 days on the dollar bill Oh, great

Credit cards That's where credit cards When people start getting sick Just pull out the credit card That's why when I was little I ate dirt I ate boogers I ate grass

Good move And I rarely get sick Good move Solid immune system Solid immune system Yeah, that's why people in third world Because I was a gross child 80% for cocaine 94% according to a 2002 report for poop.

94%. Including staff. How is poop getting on everything? Because people are gross. They always say there's poop, there's fecal matter on your toothbrush. If it's near you, I'm like, how is it getting there? People are gross. We're disgusting.

How is it popping there people are gross we're disgusting how is it popping what's happening oh we're touching railings after you wash your hands like i was at disneyland this little kid was sucking on a chain oh no just had the chain in his mouth i'm like your kid just shit chain. At Disneyland. Just picture someone pulling that chain out of their ass. Clink, clink, clink, clink, clink. Rehooking it up. That is my favorite ride at Disneyland. The shit chain.

He was sucking on the chain. What's up? That was beauty. Oh, that's so much. That's such a high percentage. 94 for poop and 80 something for coke Yeah A lot of fucking people

Doing coke on $100 bills Under different strains of bacteria For animals Unspecified domestic animals Yeah Yeah if you wanted to really Spread a disease in this country Spread it through money

Yeah Oh don't give people that idea Sorry I'm more creative with my ideas I didn't tell him the one about the plane i'll tell you afterwards tell you my plane idea but yeah you could it would be really easy if you had like cocaine on dollars you could easily just put some sort of a fucking horrible disease on dollars yeah yeah spread it around there was a guy last night at the lakers game who was throwing money just one dollar bills into the crowd and people were scrambling for it and uh i was like this could be he could be passing anything yeah easily yeah i was like or this is a really great way to

see if your counterfeit bills work yeah or to get people in trouble yeah you fucking losers have 10 bucks for free yeah yeah there's a that's a weird thing right the throwing money thing i'm so rich i can throw money away throw it up in the air making it rain yeah yeah it feels weird when you're like with no specified target right right right you know if you're like, oh, I'm so rich, I'm going to give it to a school. That's nice. That would be a nice thing to do. I'm so rich, I'm just going to throw it in the air. Yeah, it's the ultimate in frivolous spending.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, even at strip clubs, I can get behind it because you're like, oh, yeah, you're paying this lady. But you're making her scratch it all up together. Yeah. Like she's sweeping leaves. Yeah. It's weird sweeping leaves. Yeah. It's weird.

I bet strippers really hate raking in the fall. They're probably like, ugh. It's not even money. Not even money. But they must get money thrown at them all the time, right? Oh, they do. They would get it crumpled. Yeah.

And guys would throw it. That has to be the worst. Flattening it back out yeah ironing you're like this isn't gonna get work in the vending machine that's another job where there's no male equivalent that's as humiliating because like chippendales dancers like if a guy's a chippendales dancer it doesn't even come with a stigma no like he's a good looking guy with a six-pack he wants to make some money yeah puts his hog in a tube and starts dancing for ladies with cowboy boots on it's normal no one cares like hey our boyfriend used to be a chippendales dancer yeah i paid my way through

college i mean it's a real testament to how much better women's bodies are like we're just like like the male body's like i mean i'm attracted to it but like it's still just like it's not something i want to see dancing around necessarily it's a weird thing guys dancing is feminine too yeah it's like a guy's just sitting there dancing in front of you it's like what are you doing yeah like you know when women are dancing they're letting you know you could fuck me yeah you know you could fuck the guy. Guys will fuck anything. It's so easy. I was going to say, like, you want to fuck a guy, be the last one there.

Just be the one who goes, I'm ready to fuck. Yeah. And he's like, oh, you're ready to fuck? Okay. Let's get out of here. Yeah. It's also like, it's so, we're just attracted to different things, too. Like, you know, like, yeah, we like attractive men, but, like, you want to get us?

Like, show us you're capable of things, you know? Yeah, that's hot. Like, your life is so fucked up that you're a Chippendales dancer? We're like, huh. Yeah, I'm just like, ugh. How come you don't have your shit together? You're 35. Yeah, like, can't you be like an accountant or something?

Yeah, you have a full beard. You should have a real job. You're a fucking real grown up man Why are you dancing For money Why are you dancing Like where did this go wrong for you Do you own a house Like stop it

It's such a different reaction too Like when girls go to see men strip Or men dancing They scream They're screaming and yelling Yeah Guys are just sitting there looking creepy Guys are sitting back like this They're like yeah and i'm like oh your posture it's a

reverse of roles for guys like the the women are aggressive because they want to make money like would you like a dance would you like a dance like the women are coming up to you like whoa this is crazy they're coming up to me yeah and it's like yeah because you're paying them what do you think would technical on it what do you think would change in society if prostitution was legal um i think it'd be a lot less guys that are stressed i think there would be yeah i mean i people would probably be a little nicer i think people would be nicer i think those women would finally get like like there'd be like they could have like a union yeah Yeah. You know,

like they could. Not really. Hoes would just break union lines. I want to be at a prostitute union meeting. I really do. I really. Y'all are charging too little. They're like,

I'm not giving my fees. The healthcare was not good this year. You fucking bitches need to step up. Could you imagine what it'd be like being at a prostitution meeting, all smoking, all sitting around, I gotta get out of this fucking job. This job is fucking bullshit. But there's also like one woman in like a skirt and heels who's just like, we're not all like that, okay?

Some of us, we're the classy ones. Like there's the classy versus the unclassy side of the room you know i knew a girl who in college she was uh she was a prostitute but she was a prostitute like she would fuck guys she knew for money and she didn't want to get a job and she liked these guys they were like older married guys and she fought and she was trying to explain it and i was like oh okay so you like you knew the guys and you would fuck them for money she's an artist right and she was explaining the whole thing i was like oh okay well that's an argument that comes up a lot where there's there's some women who say that like no i want to do this well if you want look imagine if you're a woman, right?

And you're in college and some guy says, I will pay you $2,000 to have sex. It'll take about an hour versus you have to work for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours. And the guy's a nice guy. Right. And you let you go, oh, okay. He's like this nice businessman and he can't get laid. Like you maybe would have done it anyway.

Yeah, probably not. Right. But either way, it's not the worst thing in the world. You're not disgusted by it. He's not treating you terrible. Right. He just likes sexual pleasure from a pretty girl and you like money and then next thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire.

Like, what is wrong with that? But obviously, that's best case scenario right the worst case scenario i think is pimps and and people abusing women and sexual trafficking and all the stuff that's associated with the same sort of thing that's associated with illegal drugs is associated with illegal prostitution crime organized crime i mean that's that's what the real problem is and look i have three daughters i don't want anybody to be a prostitute but if they were going to be a prostitute i would like it to be like a legal thing not not my kids right right but if you're gonna have prostitution if it was legal first of all why isn't it legal how come it's okay to fuck anybody you want but it's not okay

to pay for it that's crazy i mean it's it's literally it's the oldest profession yes like so there should be something at this point we should go as a society hey we're not getting rid of this yeah let's just figure out a way to make it as safe test people yeah protect them from creeps make sure you have security but maybe that's also part of why guys some guys like it because it is illegal forbidden it's dirty it's naughty yeah you can't oh it's naughty like if you look at porn it's all naughty porn that's popular now it's all like my step sister step mother step brother that's all it is it's all naughty stuff step stuff it's all step everybody step i'm not kidding it's

like those are all the titles not that i look if i did look that's what i would find it's all step step this and step that it's weird like people want to be like and this is a site where see because porn is so prevalent now and it's so easily accessible right and it's so you just get on your fucking phone you're watching on the nice screen and your phone it's in 4k you stream it anytime you want so because of that we've we're gravitating towards weirder and weirder shit like to get our kink off like people have to be like i can't even i can't believe we're doing this you're supposed to be my sister like yeah i'm not your real sister i'm just your step sister and next thing they'll go they're getting crazy i love i love the the amount of time it

takes to convince someone in porn. Yeah, real quick. Yeah, yeah. It's just always like, oh, five seconds? Do you have a heart on it? I can't believe this. How dare you? You're disgusting.

No, I mean, no. It's like that all the time. I mean, I'm not even thinking anything. You're my sister. This is crazy. Let me see it. I want to see a porn that actually takes the amount of time it would take to convince someone it depends on who it is if it's a slut it would be accurate but if it's a

sorry to slut shame but if it's uh yeah like a relationship in power you just slut empowered i don't think you're shamed oh yeah yeah some people like like a long, drawn-out courtship sort of deal. Yeah. Like some guys, guys that I'm friends with, they prefer that a girl doesn't want to sleep with them quickly. Because this way, this is a girl that is making good choices. Yeah, I mean. Especially in your 30s, you start thinking about like, okay, this could be the one. Yeah. You hear that a lot of times with guys. I mean, that's how they always say you're supposed to play the game.

It's just be like no hold out for him And it's just like You don't have to You can have great relationships after a first one night stand 100% I'm pretty sure it happens all the time All the time 100%

But I also get the appeal of it I get it I know that people like to chase Both things are good Sometimes it's good to have a couple know that people like to chase it's both things are good sometimes it's good to have a couple of cocktails and go fuck it let's do this of course yes why else were you drinking yes well that's these moments where like the universe creates like especially nightclub moments couple of cocktails the universe says it just puts those little seeds out there like

you look at them they look at you and you're like what do you think right like i'm like yeah yeah fucking yeah wow and then but then like i always think about like like i live in new york there's plenty of opportunities for that how do people in other cities not even cities towns like you're at a bar what are you doing like what are the farmers only.com yeah is it all dating apps there's a farmer's website dating app i know that one you know that one yeah there's a commercial for it farmers it's like a hot girl in daisy duke shorts like with a tractor like please tell me how many look like that please zero yeah i'm sure there's hot farmer girls out there that live in those small towns of course

yeah i know i know i know a farmer from back home he's really attractive and his wife's really attractive what the hell there you go it's real yeah farmers work hard they fucking work too hard they work really hard for not a lot of money that's a difficult job that's like a whole government yeah and it's you know they have to like mine their books carefully. It's, I mean, and then part of it's just dependent on like the weather that year. You work so hard and then all of a sudden it just doesn't rain. How about farmer's almanacs? Like what in the fuck is that?

You can predict the rain two years from now? Like they have these books where they're like back before they had like real weather satellites they have farmer's almanacs and they're accurate for the most part how's that possible i don't know i don't understand kind of voodoo or they it sounds like witchery yeah this is the thing like there's a lot of things you hear from back then where people got you know people said they were witches and then you're like yeah but also how did they know well do you know what that whole witch trial shit was about i don't know it was about ergot it was about late frosts when you have late frosts a lot of like wheat in particular it develops fungus and that fungus is ergot it's one of the funguses that could grow

on it and ergot produces uh lysergic acid produces a very lsd like effect so these people were getting acid from the bread so people were tripping balls and freaking out and thinking that you know and also it's always women right it's always men burning women it wasn't a warlock hunt no no it was a witch hunt yeah right so it's like this bitch she did it to me it was up i bet a lot of it was men who were attracted to women and those women weren't attracted to them and they were angry and then they were on acid yeah and then they're like oh my god she's a witch and then they were paranoid and they believed in witches back then they believed in witchcraft and why wouldn't you if you're on acid Eating bread You didn't even know And all of a sudden

You're like I'm bewitched I have been bewitched Also it's a much better Excuse for your wife When you're like No she bewitched me She's a witch

She's a witch There's no way women Aren't going to turn on Each other immediately They never burnt them though That was a misnomer Is that a lie Yeah they used to drown them

Which is kind of more fucked up Well my favorite thing Not my favorite thing My favorite thing in the world I like to drown them which is kind of more fucked up. Well, my favorite thing, not my favorite thing, my favorite thing in the world. I like to hold them. They used to. I hold their hair. It was one of those things

where it's like, we'll load her with rocks and if she sinks, she's not a witch. Oh, that's right. But then she's dead because she sank to the bottom. And then we feel bad.

So then we're like, oh, she wasn't a witch. Let's give her a nice burial. Put a cross on it. But then if they put a bunch of rocks on you and you floated, you were a witch. And so then they killed you. Oh, boy. But I'm going to guess they never found ones that didn't sink to the bottom. Can you imagine if you had to live back then?

Forget about all the smells and the syphilis and all the fucking powdered wigs. Then they're fucking drowning witches. Like, Christ. Yeah. And then, like, also you just have kids and they're fucking drowning witches like christ yeah and then like also you just have kids that and they just keep dying oh yeah like you die you're like everyone's dying everyone was always dying well that's also the like the whole life expectancy thing there were people it's like someone that chris my friend chris ryan had explained that to me like when people think that people back in like in like the 1200s only live to be 30 years old. Right.

On average. That's because of infant mortality. Exactly. So there's so much infant mortality and childhood mortality that it like lowered that, that the life expectancy. Yeah. People were living to the 60s and 70s. It's just that all the babies were also dying. There's a book by steven pinker

i can't remember uh the name of it is escaping me but it's a it's a really good book about like um oh my god why can't i think of the name uh can you look up a steven pinker book uh and it just essentially talks about like how things are actually because you know people always say good old days and how things are getting exponentially better and will continue to get better. Yeah, he was on recently. Oh, he was? Yeah, yeah. About five, six months ago.

He's great. I really like him. I love his work. I love Outliers. Oh, that's Malcolm Gladwell. That's Malcolm, yeah. I love that, too. He was on recently, too.

He was on much more recently. He was on a couple weeks ago. But Pinker's excellent. He's just, his work- Enlightenment Now? Yes, yeah. Yes. Yeah, he gets massive pushback on that. weeks ago but pinker is excellent he's just uh his work enlightenment now yes yeah yes yeah he gets massive pushback on that that's what's interesting because he's saying that everything's better that there's less violence there's less crime there's less rape there's less all these

things and he shows it statistically and people are like you're belittling all the horrible crimes that take place and you're enabling all these assholes to try to say things are fine and to not be protesting about all these issues. Like, no, just using statistics. And he's not like what it's again, what makes me bad about the social justice stuff is that he's not saying don't try to keep making things better. Don't try to like, yeah, there are things we should protest. He's just saying that, like, no, statistically, we're headed in the right direction. Yes. And then he even talks about anomalies where we do go backwards sometimes.

Yes. But, like, this is all stuff where it's like, if you don't want to know the actual information, don't get in the fight to begin with. Yeah, and don't look at statistics. People don't want to know facts anymore. They want to go based off their feelings. That's a lot of what happens when you talk about women not being as strong as men with sports like yeah with sports like where women when other people or men who are like trying to fight for women uh they're like they want it to

not be true they want men and women to be the same as good as each other in sports and it's like just because you want it it doesn't mean it's true why very few people say that but something that people do say is that a trans woman is equal to a biological biological woman and then that that that argument is horseshit yeah that argument has been disproved by all these women that are winning world winning world records and they say well there's there's outliers in sports period so that there's people that are athletic anomalies like michael jordan or whoever you know people that are just supreme genetic athletes so do you discount them but no they're they're coming from a different gender you

fucking idiot yeah like you can't do that like i know what you're trying to do you're trying to find some loophole where it makes sense where a six foot six man can play girls basketball right but you can't because 90 of the population that's not on twitter the regular people are going to go hey fuck you and that's what's going on right now people are going hey fuck you because this is crazy yeah martina navatulova they're they're calling her a bigot she's a famous lesbian yeah and they're calling her a bigot they went after her she's a famous lesbian yeah and they're calling her a bigot she's transphobic Martina and her transphobic

transphobic comments no she just wants she wants things to be competitive yes have a trans only league yeah you're welcome

yeah super simple and like people are like there's so many of them it's not fair that it has to be separated it's like yes it is

yeah it is fair that's why men and women are separated well this is the argument that I got in with this guy on the show he was saying that there's not that much's why men and women are separated. Well, this is the argument that I got with this guy on the show. He was saying that there's not that much difference between men and women. I go, okay, so you think women should be able to compete with men in sports?

He said, well, I'm not really saying that. I'm like, well, that's exactly what you're saying. Do you think that it's okay if women compete against men in weightlifting and basketball? How well do you think that would work out for women? How well do you think it would work out in track and field? How well do you think it would work out for women how well do you think it would work out in track and field how well do you think it work out in anything it's nonsense there's a reason why there's a diff a difference where we define men's sports and women's sports for fairness so we should have trans only sports that way just fucking like if there's that many of them yeah

let's have trans you're gonna find out how few they really are that's it's gonna be really weird exactly but it's also it's like is it not fair like that they have to have their own league i mean maybe but also none of this is fair you know like it's not like i don't think it's not fair if they have their own league i think it's the only thing that's fair yeah well and it's like none of us have had made any of these choices like i we're all born the way we're born right if you're a trans person and you were born a man and but you've always believed that you're a woman that's also not fair you know like that's like that's a crazy predicament to be put into sure yeah but that doesn't mean i want you competing with me because you're going to destroy me yeah it's not fair it's not fair um

we know it is fair what your comedy special that's on netflix right now is that a good segue nah it's terrible stop lying what's it called again joke show it's on right now right it comes tuesday yeah tomorrow so tonight at midnight tonight at midnight oh exciting yeah i'm really excited for people to see it i've seen clips of it's very funny thank you you're very funny thank you i'm really happy that you came on the show me too it's fucking awesome thanks yeah i want i mean i think i'm a correspondence dinner all these people think i'm just a political comic and i'm like i'll write jokes for any topic yeah like uh but i don't like i don't like telling political jokes but it was kind of cool the court the the correspondence dinner thing because that put you on the map yeah i'm very

happy i did it don't get me wrong and i i stand by those jokes to this day jokes thanks you got the president to tweet at you yeah i mean come on was it disconcerting when that was happening? I just remember that when he tweeted at me, I, like, because he tweeted once after the dinner and then sometime in, like, later in the year, like, months after. And I was doing, like, I was doing a show in Brooklyn. I don't have Twitter on my phone. You don't? No. I only have it on my computer. And I was out in Brooklyn doing shows, and I was drinking hot toddies because I think I was feeling a little under the weather.

And I was like, this will fix it. And I kept getting messages about this tweet. And I was like, what? What's going on? What's happening? And then I finally saw what happened. And I was like, well, I guess I got to go home so I can tweet something back. Go home after you've been drinking to tweet back at the president.

I'm like three hot toddies in and I'm just like, all right, what can I say? What did you, what was your be best? You said something where you fucking roasted him. We actually said it on the podcast. Uh, just now?

No, no, no. We, we actually, when you did it, we were howling. We, weling we we we said what you said on the podcast he said something about uh when he i don't remember the exact tweet he sent me but it

was like uh something so-called comedian did such a terrible job oh yeah i bet you'd be on my side if i'd kill the journalist and that was right after the that was during the khashoggi stuff or whatever it was the yeah the saudi um journalist that had been murdered um this is what he said so-called comedian michelle wolf by the way best fucking that is like some of the best publicity you could ever get yeah the president says this bombed so badly last year at the white house correspondence center first of all, not true. You can go listen to the recordings. People were laughing.

Like, come on. This is so crazy that you say that. Bombed so badly. Play it back. Let's play it back. Huh, what's all that noise? There was parts of it where people got kind of quiet. But I remember I was like, first of all, this is for the audience at home.

But also, it's one of those rooms where you're like yeah this they at best they're it feels fine right you know like it's like a corporate gig almost exactly a corporate gig yeah they will have an author instead of a comedian what a great idea good first step and comeback of a dying evening in tradition maybe i will go question mark what imagine that like maybe i'll go what do you think oh please donald i have my new mega hat for that event i love this because i i don't know if he wrote this tweet though because the grammar is so perfect that i'm like right the dash in between so and called. Yeah, it just feels like I was like, did someone else draft this?

Could be. But maybe I will go. Look at correspondence. There's the correct apostrophe after the S. Yeah, it feels like, I don't know, maybe he dictated this one and someone was like, I'm going to spell everything right. Yeah. Well, they've done various things to try to stop him. This is 2018.

They've done various things to try to slow down his use of Twitter and social media. And I do think that there was a time when someone else was handling it. Yeah. Yeah. But now I think he just fucking goes guns blazing. At some point. He just pops two Adderalls and a Sudafed and just starts fucking thumbing it. Hammering it.

Two Adderalls and a Sudafed and just starts fucking thumbing it. Two Adderalls and a Sudafed. Just gets after it. It's fucking wild to see. I had a dream last night, and I forgot about it until we started talking about it, that he was battle rapping and that some woman made a rap about him and then he made a rap back at her. I had a dream. Maybe it's because I knew you were coming in here and we were probably going to talk

about it, but a weird fucking dream dream and his battle rap was pretty good yeah it was like pretty and people like that it's pretty fucking good like it was a good battle rap he says stuff sometimes where you're like that's like that's bars you know like like yes but then there's other times you're like then you're like wait but he's the president i wish he wasn't the president because sometimes the shit he says is hilarious when he put a fucking giant trump tower on greenland when they were talking about whether or not he was gonna we were gonna buy greenland he goes i promise not to do this and he shows green with a giant gold trump tower and he tweeted that the president that's fucking hilarious it's funny and then you're also like, oh, come on, why are you president?

Anytime he holds up a graph of any sort, I'm just like, this is great. There's no Y-axis. It's always stuff where you're just like, this is amazing. Why are you president? Yeah. I don't know if there's a better person to represent how crazy today is, though. Yeah. If you wanted to look at like the personification yeah yes

yes and on that note michelle wolf thank you very much your your netflix special will be by the time people hear this a little bit out later today but the actual special will be tuesday night at midnight or midnight tonight midnight monday night midnight mond Monday night yeah right so Tuesday it's out so you can hear this it's out most likely it's out go get it go get it bitches

alright thanks thank you thanks for having me it was fun I loved it yay thank you so much Thank you.