The Joe Rogan Experience - #140 - Brendon Walsh (Part 3)

Episode Date: September 22, 2011

Joe sits down with Brendon Walsh.

I didn't know. I talked about it before I did it. I hung up. Is this online now? Yeah, yeah. Dude, you're an internet legend right now. It's online. Oh, yeah. Oh, cool. Wait, this is on? Did you see that old couple who couldn't figure out the webcam? No.

There's a funny viral video of this old couple trying to figure out how to work their webcam and the webcams run it's recording the whole time oh wow yeah it's like cute um could you imagine being an old person dealing with the internet now they must feel ripped off i i already find little things that i'm already getting annoyed about like i'm doing the thing where i don't want to learn it type thing you know like how like my dad doesn't want a iphone he wants a phone and he doesn't want anything else he doesn't want to learn you know what i mean yeah those are crazy people right those crazy people hey i don't listen i don't want no textage yeah i used to be i don't want a camera on my head for anything though i mean i

find myself things like like maybe video games, or something like that. The swarm of technology overwhelmed my life so quickly. I embraced it so quickly. I used to joke about text messages. I had a bit about it. Oh my goodness. It's been a long time

since I left the fucking phone on, ladies and gentlemen. And I do apologize. Maybe it's a caller. It's a late night podcast, folks. And I had been doing Fear Factor all day. You're on experiment. I'm tired. I don't know what's going on.

First time caller? Let's hope they don't call back. I like this game. I like to hear who it is, though. This one doesn't tell you. It's a better phone, though. I gave up on it just constantly telling me who's calling. Sometimes I don't give a fuck.

I don't want to hear that voice. That electronic voice that fucks up everybody's name. Brendan Dumbulte. Receiving call from Brendan Dumbulte. Does it repeat it over and over? Yeah. Do you have any old answer machines laying around? No.

If you have one, find it. If you have one in your basement or your garage plug that shit in and just listen to the messages of your life from what seven years ago or something like that i just did that and it was the most creepiest shit ever i was like wow i was in a weird place right there you know like hey brian uh i need to work two double shifts you know here and there and uh I think I got my girlfriend pregnant. We're going to go over to the bowling alley later. I'm like, what?

That was crazy. You used to talk to when you were in Ohio? Yeah, people from Ohio and stuff like that. It was so fucking weird. Do you look back on people from Ohio like they don't know that Ohio is like you've got to escape? I think people in ohio just feel trapped like it's more like they feel trapped i think i don't think yeah i felt trapped when i was there you know because you don't make a lot of money when you live in ohio for the majority of people

you know i mean you or at least the class i was in i would i was just working like job to job getting laid off you know whatever could do another job and it was just like wow 13 an hour oh 14 an hour something like that and uh but i didn't have enough money to like move or go to california that seemed like out of like ridiculous you know it's it's it's hard to move from like that's everywhere you know especially that's like the neighborhood i grew up in is the same way like when i moved to i lived in ireland for a year in like 96 and it blew people's mind they were like how the fuck do you go to ireland like what do you just bought a plane ticket and i was like yeah you can do that so that's what you did you didn't know anybody in ireland you

just moved there yeah i just went that's pretty savage i love that i love that idea that's awesome that must have been a hell of an experience. It was fun. Yeah. You learn a lot. You learn that things usually work out. What was the motivation for that? I actually, you know, I did talk about this on Marin's podcast recently. We should just play Marin's podcast.

Yeah, let's just play. We'll go back and take the best clips. I mean, the short story is I was somebody I knew drowned and I knew and I had to identify their body. Whoa. And and it just kind of like I was like 23 and she was pretty young. She was like 22 or 23. And I was like and she was going taking classes in the summer to graduate college earlier. And I just thought like, oh, she's taking classes, like doing all this shit she didn't want to do.

I don't know. I just was like, oh, she's taking classes, like doing all this shit she didn't want to do. I don't know. I just was like, oh, you can just do whatever you want. Like, and life's short, I guess. I don't know. But I just, that was kind of the motivation for it. Fuck. And I saw a cheap ticket to Ireland. I think you might have told me this story before.

But it's fascinating nonetheless. But we very rarely get to see dead bodies. You know, it's so rare that you get to see one. I remember when I saw my grandfather. My grandfather died of cancer. And when I went to the morgue, you know, where they have them all dressed up and shit. Yeah, yeah. And you're standing near the body.

I was like. In the casket there. I realized, I was like, this is the first dead body I've ever been around. Ever. I've never really been around a dead body. It's amazing that all these people die, but we do such a good job of keeping bodies away from people's views. Eyeballs, yeah.

Yeah, because it's so disturbing. Well, like viewings, though. That's why it doesn't never kind of tweak you out when you think about a dude who'd be a mortician. I mean, I understand that it's a very important job. I think about that. I understand it's an important job i do get it and and you know forensic medicine the idea of you know solving crimes and you know checking people's corpses and shit like

dr michael badden i love that it's that's an amazing show that hbo show yeah but doesn't it fucking freak you out that they're handling dead bodies there's something about that man that tweaks my head yeah just touching dead bodies the idea just the possibility and i know this is not the case with these doctors and i know it's most likely not the case with 99.9 of the morticians but the fact that there's like the one percent that would enjoy fucking bodies moving them around and smacking them and putting on little shows for himself. That Sam Kinison bit. Yes.

That made me pee my pants the first time I heard it when I was a kid. That bit got me to think about doing stand-up comedy. That bit, and it wasn't even told by Sam Kinison.

It was told by a girl that I worked with. I was working at this health club and this girl came in and she was just fucking laughing. She was like, oh my God girl that I worked with. I was working at this health club and this girl came in and she was just fucking laughing. She was like, oh my God, that heavy Boston accent. I saw fucking this guy on TV,

Sam Kinison. Oh my God, he was so fucking funny. So she goes and she did on the floor. She got down on the stomach. She did the, oh, your life keeps fucking you. Yes, you did. She did it.

She did a pretty good job of it because I was laughing hard. I was like, wow, he said what? Like, that's the craziest thing I've ever heard of. And then I got a hold of the VHS tape. And I remember watching that bit going, god damn. Like, that's comedy too? That's comedy too?

I thought comedy was that evening at the improv stuff. Yeah. I thought comedy for white guys was you rolled up your sleeves and you talked about pet food. you know i mean that's really what you saw on tv a lot and as a child i saw that and you know occasionally you saw something on the tonight show like a comic you know i saw delirious i'm a little younger than you when i was 14 i saw delirious and Andrew Dice Clay, his special from the TLA. Yeah, Delirious is another one. I didn't think, you know, Delirious might have been so good that I never even thought I could possibly do stand-up at that time.

Oh, really? This is ridiculous. I think I was getting older when Kinison came around. I was more confident. I think Delirious was when I was younger, and I remember watching it at jimmy lawless's house me and him and his sister were watching this and it was fucking it's it was so funny no it's not jimmy john badaracco sister for the record we're all sitting around and we're watching

and it was so fucking funny that we were like embarrassed to be sitting next to each other it was so good yeah for the time you know we were teenagers in high school eddie murphy raw was just like or delirious rather was just raw is really good i rented raw recently again and it's it did you like it i did because i wasn't super i saw it a couple times when i was a kid and uh just rented it because i couldn't really remember any bits from it yeah and uh and it it's pretty good no i mean i don't know it's there's some nostalgia to it too right there's some nostalgia to it but it's like god he's wearing like this leather suit yeah it's awesome fuck this suit was awesome yeah martin lawrence

had some fucking awesome suits too yeah black guys can pull that off you know could you imagine if some white comic went on stage you know ifon Oswalt started doing all of his shit in a leather suit? Yeah. That would be hilarious. There's something weird about that, man. Black comics can go way more sexy. They can go way harder. Yeah.

No, that suit's funny. Do you know Chelsea Peretti? Chelsea Peretti. I know the name. She's funny. She did a half hour special for Comedy Central last year, and she was going to wear the red leather suit that Eddie Murphy wore. It was delirious.

We were trying to find something. I don't know if she really was going to do it. Did you watch the roast of Charlie Sheen? When Mike Tyson held out his fist and Steve-O ran his face in it and broke his nose? That was funny, but you know what was the funniest part? and broke his nose that was that was funny but you know what was the funniest part was that woman who was that oh the one that just attacked yeah the one who went after who is that amy schumer amy schumer yeah yeah that's who it is dude she's hilarious she's really funny oh my god she attacked mike tyson it was one of the most bold and vicious insult attacks I've ever seen. And

Tyson tried to come back, like tried to go after her. He said something like, I think, if there was as many dicks out of you that within you, you would look like a porcupine. Something like that. Yeah, that's exactly what he said. Was that what he said? Yeah, yeah. And she just goes, does anyone have a translator for that? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, she was really funny. Oh, my God. I actually enjoyed that. I thought it was good, though. The whole show, I thought it was good. I didn't watch it, but I heard her shit. They were playing it on Opie and Anthony. I was fucking howling.

What she said about Bruce Willis and Charlie Sheen being really similar, because they were both big in the 80s, and now they're having their old slots filled by Ashton Kutcher. Seth MacFarlane. That's good. That's fucking hilarious. Yeah. That's a great joke.

It's really well-worded, too. Yeah. She's hilarious. Oh, my God, that girl's funny. Seth MacFarlane was awesome on that, too. I'll have to watch it. I'll have to watch it. But honestly, I don't enjoy roasts for the most part.

I usually find them to be mean spirited and fucking weird. I've never wanted to do them. I don't want to fucking shit on someone that hard right in front of them. It's cute and everything. It's fun to watch, but no thanks, man. I don't want to... If everybody knows

each other really well too, like if you're all friends everybody knows each other really well too you know yeah like if you're all friends you know busting each other's balls but sometimes it's not though man did you ever watch the ones where they went after pam anderson i didn't i don't think i saw the pamela anderson one i haven't seen the joan rivers one either ruthless ruthless it's ruthless shit like you said watch i don't remember any specifics very possibly i don't remember specifics but i remember being like listening to it going oh i don't want to hear this like what are you doing are you are you voicing what the problem is it's

funny that's the problem the problem is it's good stuff yeah you know i mean you're insulting the fuck out of someone hurting their feelings for no reason but to me it's kind of hilarious is it's good stuff. Yeah. You know, I mean, you're insulting the fuck out of someone, hurting their feelings for no reason. But to me, it's kind of hilarious. And it's unfortunate that it is. You know, but when you're hearing her tee off on Mike Tyson, she was talking about Mike Tyson having a slut tattoo on his face. You know, that Mike and Ben don't know whether to punch him or to finish on him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I fucked it up, I think, too. I fucked fucked it up i think too but yeah but it's great

stuff but it's so mean you're like whoa anthony jeselnik had a couple really good ones yeah it was good again towards mike tyson he said i'm paraphrasing uh but the uh joke basically was um best way to describe mike tyson is the same name of a Richard Pryor album, meaning that nigger's crazy. Yeah. That was awkward. And then nobody really got it. I got it, and it was awkward, though.

And Patrice O'Neill. Is he a black guy or a white guy? Ant Jezelnik, he's a white guy. Whoa. Real clean cut guy, too. Yeah, but he didn't say the name of the album. No, he didn't. Oh, I thought you said as in, and that was the joke, that he was going to spell it out to everybody. No, he didn't. Oh, I thought you said as in, and that was the joke

that he was going to spell it out to everybody. No, he didn't spell it out. He just left it as the same. Oh, okay, because I was like, wow. No, the same way, or whatever. Yeah, the best way to describe him is the same name of a Richard Pryor album. And then Patrice O'Neill,

it doesn't go over very well. Patrice was badass on that, by the way. Patrice says, he goes, there's too many white people here, man. They're not going to get that. And Jeselnik goes, have you ever heard anybody say there are too few black people here? Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah.

Yeah, those roasts can get mean, man. Yeah. I don't know. I haven't seen a ton of them. I heard the Joan Rivers one is good. I heard when she comes back, it's really funny. Yeah. Oh, she comes back at them?

Yeah. Wow. She's great. That documentary was pretty good. Did you see that documentary? I have not seen it. Oh, you should watch it. A lot of people recommended it.

What is it called again? The Joan Rivers documentary? I mean, if you Google that, it'll come up. What the fuck is it called? Gooseneck? Is that what it is no do you think she writes all her jokes or do you think she has like she buys jokes she does from people but she probably writes i mean she's pretty quick on a piece of work a piece of work that's it's really

good huh i knew it was some kind of euphemism on facelifts yeah it kind of is um is it um a lot of people it's totally worth. Did you see her on Louis? No, I didn't. Do you watch? Do you guys watch Louis? I didn't see her on Louis, though. That was a funny one, too.

She's really funny. It's a funny episode. Season finale or something? No, it was early in the season. I got to get into Louis. I cut way back on my TV watching. I cut way back to the point where I'm only watching like documentary shit yeah i just stopped i mean occasionally i watch like uh ancient aliens or something yeah i love that show man i

love that i dvr that uh breaking bad louis breaking bad is awesome breaking bad's the best you know but patten oswalt said it best he said i feel like it's homework you know when you get into a show it's like it's homework it's like you got to keep up with these but the dvr man that's that's what like it's a godsend you just fucking you watch it at 2 30 you hear about like mad men everybody keeps telling me dude mad men is amazing i'm like god i don't want to know we missed it it's too crazy unless who unless we get a wicked flu but you where you can tear through four seasons in a weekend i mean we're four seasons behind that's 48 hours of television. I miss Lost, though.

I can't stop. I wish I could talk about Lost and theories and stuff. I miss that. Lost can go fuck itself. I know. Jack killed it for me. He was sending it in. By the end of the show, he was like,

oh, I guess they brought him back to life. He was completely phoning it in towards the end of the show. Jack. He killed it for me. That was the doctor guy, right? The doctor killed it for me. I had to stop watching. I had to stop watching. I'm like, this guy's not really there. He is not in the moment here. I'm not believing

that you just dunked a body in this fountain and then brought it in front of you. You barely paid attention, dude. Right. I kind of fell off with... Yeah, I kind of fell off with Lost pretty quickly. It was fun for a while. But it can't fuck with Battlestar Galactica. Battlestar Galactica was one of the best unexpected fun shows to follow.

That's a good goddamn show. That was a really good fucking show. If you want to sit down, I think they went a few seasons. How many seasons did they go? Four or five or something like that? I never watched it. Either way, it's a badass fucking show. That's a good show.

I watched the whole thing on DVD. 2005 or something like that? I never watched it. Either way, it's a badass fucking show. Yeah. That's a good show. I watched the whole thing on DVD, almost after the fact, then caught up right at the very last season. You just have to be in the mood, I think. It's like when you tear through a book or something. Sometimes I'll have three books that I want to read, and they just sit there, and I'm like, I don't want to touch them yet. But then when you do make the commitment, you just fly through it.

A lot of people are probably angry at me for what I said about Lost. I used to love the show. Don't get me wrong. I used to love the show. I loved the show. But it did bug me, for real. It did bug me. I think the ending kind of explained a lot of that.

Okay. I believe you. But you know what? I love the fact that I never watched the ending. I like that because that means you didn't get me. You didn't get me, bitch. I snuck away clean. I no longer feel your pull.

Yeah, yeah. I no longer feel your pull. I'm free. You're a dealer. They're all dealers, bro. All these people with TV shows. Me included. I'm guilty as well.

We're all dealers. Yeah. Get you hooked on some fucking crazy shit. I love being hooked on Breaking Bad, man. That's a great fucking show. Yeah. It's my favorite. I don't want to be, spoiler alert, spoiler alert,

but when he had that dude locked up in the basement and he had that moral decision to make. Did you watch that? You know, he's had some altercations with gangbangers and stuff because he's a meth dealer. And do you remember the one where he had the guy locked up in the basement and you had to figure out whether you should kill him or not? This season? I don't know. It was last season.

Oh, last season. I think it was last season. Either way. It was like one of the most intense scenes I think I've ever seen in a made-for-television show. It was like a movie. It was a movie scene. It was fucking intense, man.

Yeah. That guy can act his fucking ass off. They're great. Everybody's great on it. What is the lead guy's name? Bryan Cranston? Yeah. And I really like Gus, man.

That guy's really... I don't know how up on it you are, but the last few episodes, Gus is really... Which one's Gus? He's the head, the guy that owns the chicken shops. The head, the black dude with the glasses. The head drug dealer. Oh, okay.

The guy that Walter and Jesse work for. Is this the best time ever for fucking television? I mean, it must be, right? If you stop and think about some of the shows. I mean, Mad Men people are really into, which I'm sure is good. People are obsessed with Mad Men. People are obsessed with...

But if you watch anything on NBC, like any of the new shows, they fucking all suck. They scare me how bad it is. They have laugh tracks again. There's a show... Laugh tracks are awesome. I think if you use laugh tracks you should have to not be good at it

you should have to do it but you can't let it fade off it has to be like this if you're going to use a laugh track stop really obvious and fake people probably start losing their minds start driving people crazy

the idea of a laugh track we're gonna tell you that it's funny we're not even gonna do it in front of a live audience we're gonna insert some fucking this is where we want you to laugh stupid I think Tim Heidecker tweeted or

he's got somebody removed the laugh track from an episode of Big Bang Theory, I think, or How I Met Your Mother or something. And I didn't hear, him and Duncan were talking about it the other night, and I haven't seen it. Well, in all fairness, a lot of those takes could have very easily have been second and third takes of a scene that you do in front of a live audience, and they just don't get a laugh. I think he had somebody go in and just remove it.

Well, it could be. But I'm saying sometimes you have to do a scene. If you're doing a live sitcom in front of an audience, like on news radio, we would fuck up, or we would have to do something over again because they wanted to rewrite something. And so we would do the same scene several times. Yeah, yeah. So it could very easily have been that.

Even if you don't hear the audience laughing, it could have been that. Yeah. We would film stuff after the fact. There would be scenes that wouldn't work. Pickups? Yeah, and we would make totally new lines, and the producers would fake laugh on the side.

Uh-huh. They would stand there and, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah, yeah. And all of the jokes, ha, ha, ha, ha. It was so alien, man. It was so bizarre. I'm surprised you weren't

offered for Two and a Half Men. Were you? No way, man. Dude, I think you'd be awesome on that show. I'm not famous enough for that. How long were you on news radio?

Five years. I think it would be awesome. That's pretty cool. Live studio audience. That's a different level of fame they're looking for. They're looking for that Ashton Kutcher fame.

That's several. When did Ashton Kutcher fame. That's several. When did Ashton Kutcher not be the guy from Jackass? Why is it so ridiculous? Is this because he has a bunch of Twitter? The guy from that 70s show. Oh, Punk, too. Oh, I see. It's like I think his Twitter followers has gotten to everybody's heads

that he's not the guy on the camera commercials, you know? Well, you know, listen, the kid is a fucking business genius. He's got a lot of shit going on, man. He's very smart and very ambitious. I'm not saying he's not. I'm just saying that's so ridiculous how, like, he's looked upon like a Brad Pitt or something. Well, he's a handsome guy, man.

He's a gorgeous dude. He's like 6'3", perfect bone structure. Yeah, but... Whoa. No, for real. I mean, girls love that guy. There's a reason why they love him. Yeah. Whoa. No, for real. I mean, girls love that guy. There's a reason why they love him.

He's delicious. Yeah, I mean, he seems to be pretty well liked across the board. Yeah. Now I get where I get it from. I worked for him, actually. I did a game show in my head, this show that was

his production company produced. I mean, I only got to meet him once very briefly, but he was a nice guy. He just seems like he's got his game together. Let him do this crazy show. Yeah. Who cares?

Game show in my head? It was pretty good in the show, though. I'm not saying he was good. I never watched Two and a Half Men in the first place, but, you know. Did you watch the new one? The new episode, yes. With him? It was very dark. Very, like, whoa.

They took a weird approach where they're making fun of his dad. I kind of want to see it. I was going to say I never watched it before, but I want to watch it because of the controversy. I watched one episode once, and I thought it was kind of lame. No, I didn't think it was kind of lame. I thought it was terrible. I don't remember what was going on, but I remember like, what is this?

When you see something, it's just like alien. It's so not funny that it just to torques your insides like what yeah and it was like that so i never watched it again but that happens on any sitcom there's a lot of weird sitcoms out there i left like i i uh i watched a couple recently and uh yeah they just they were baffling i don't want to say their names i don't it's hard to do those it's hard to do a sitcom right, man. I watch most of them, really. A lot of people get involved in the mix.

Yeah. You know? It's only when someone has, like, awesome control over things, like when one person's artistic vision can truly shine through, like the South Park situation. Yeah. Those guys are so awesome that no one fucks with them. So they just do their shit. Yeah, yeah. Which is why their show's so

fucking brilliant. It's like there's no more clear point of reference. If you're thinking about one prime example of a show where you can tell the artistic minds behind it don't have any influence by anybody else, it's South Park, right?

It's because it's such a money juggernaut. Well, Louis, too. He has that freedom? Yeah. It's because it's such a money juggernaut. Well, Louie, too. He has that freedom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I would say he's right there. Yeah, yeah. I wish Louie was longer. I wish they would pay him five times more

and just have our episode. He does everything himself. Yeah, but when you watch that show, it's so short. You really start getting into it and then it just drops out. Because it's only 22 minutes long. Dude, think about doing everything yourself

and doing it on a laptop. That's only 22 minutes long. Dude, think about doing everything yourself and doing it on a laptop. That's what he does. He does it all. He edits it on a fucking 13-inch MacBook Pro, unless he's trolling everybody. Maybe he's trying to play the fucking super hard worker dude, but really he's got a whole crew of Mexicans with fucking stolen laptops.

It changes. It goes from edited by Louis C.K. and then sometimes it's not edited by louis oh really oh so he has other people work with yeah so i think maybe well yeah it's good that he can trust people enough with his baby like that but because i you know i talked to him after he did his first show and louis ck everybody knows if you don't know stand-up wise is one of the the best comics alive he's uh like the elite of the elite he's just a great comic you know but his his hbo show just what didn't click you know some people liked it lucky louis some people liked this it just there was something off about it there was something there was too too ham-handed and i talked to him about it and i said if you could do it all over again

what would you do differently he's like i would I would fire everybody he goes I'd fire all the writers and he goes I'm sorry you know you're you're my friend I love you but I need someone else to do this I got one shot at this I got one shot at this to do this right wow and so you know what he did he did he fired everybody now he's doing it all of himself you know yeah that's amazing it's so weird how his show doesn't follow any kind of guideline like like one day his daughter is somebody else and his girlfriend's somebody yeah his daughters are pretty consistent i don't know no no not all the time like it changes there was like a totally different girl there the other day and i'm like who's this girl are you sure yeah are you sure i don't know about that man man. I'm almost, I'd probably say 99% sure. Really?

I would think that if I was Louis, if I could work out a deal with a daughter, I would think that he would work out a deal with a daughter. Yeah, because they have a handful of episodes that revolve around the daughters. You have to make sure they're locked in. I think that would take me out of the show a little bit.

If the daughters kept changing, that would fuck with my head. I'll have to make sure they're locked in. Yeah, because I think that would take me out of the show a little bit. If the daughters kept changing, that would fuck with my head. It does. I'll have to review the tape. It kind of freaks me out. I mean, I'm a huge fan of that show. I don't know. I'm pretty sure, unless I was just dreaming the whole thing while Joe Rogan was kissing some guy. Hey, fella.

Google it. Don't keep bringing me into your fucked up world, dude. I want out. Yeah, that's weird. I want out for good. The other guy was delicious. You need to take less of those alpha world, dude. I want out. I want out. I want out for good. The other guy was delicious. You need to take less of those Alpha brains, son.

Oh, yeah. I'm excited about taking those. I'll give you some of that. So they're back in stock, right? Everything's good to go? Yeah, back in stock. There's a coupon code on your website, by the way,

on the banner. Yeah, there's a banner on my website. If you go to joerogan.net and click on it, enter in the codename Rogan, you can get 10% off your Alpha brain. It's juicy. It's becoming an Alpha brain website. If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on it. I looked at that. And during the code name Rogan, you can get 10% off your alpha brain. It's juicy.

It's becoming an alpha brain commercial. I think we better stop before it gets gross. I know. I'm excited about it. You're going to find out that it's not just the able cancer. It's interesting stuff. But people, you know, people, no. I'm just kidding.

It's fucking vitamins, bro. It's vitamins for your dome, son. There's a little thing on the page, too. There's a new medical editor wrote some editorial with references as to why this stuff works. Is his name Joey Coco Diaz? Yeah. Dr. Joey.

Listen, cocksucker. Made this shit myself. My special blend. So I was over listening to a gay guy the other day at the comedy store. What? You were over listening to a gay guy? Over day at the comedy store you were over listening to a gay guy over listening over hearing like I was paying too much attention

and he was going off on one of these like how everybody's gay like he we were looking at the billboard which was that guy from CNN that just moved to like Fox Anderson Cooper yeah and he was like I can't believe he hasn't come out yet he's super gay I know a lot of people that say he's super gay I thought it was

pretty much common knowledge. Oh, I see. I had no idea. It's like fucking... Oh, so you're trying to out him. Look at you. And then he was saying how the... No, but here's the weird thing.

He was saying how the new president of Apple is gay. And I didn't know that. So now I'm just wondering if it's... So now Max really will be gay? Yeah, we're going back to shiny white. Because people are always like, Max are gay. Who says that? I would tell people.

Oh, online? Online, man. 12-year-olds. Yeah, those are the best kissers. Online, on message boards and shit, Max are always treated as pretentious slobs who can't work real computers. Like the vast majority of people,

it seems like there's a camp. There's a PC camp and there's a mac camp and one of the things that people always say is max are gay but now max really i'm embarrassed dude yep it's i wonder what gay things are going to happen to our max they're the best what you're embarrassed i have i have a pc and i'm because i feel like people with max just really look down their nose at people with pcs And I know it's not cool to have one. Way better. But you know what, man?

I don't fucking edit music or videos really. But here, Jessica, check this out. I can get a brand new fucking kick-ass PC for like five fucking bucks. If you were given a Mac, you would use that Mac and you would never go back. The same way if you get an iPhone, you might be the biggest talk you shouldn't shit talker ever saying droid's the best and everything every person i know that used to be that person got an iphone listen silly you're just like all those crazy windows people i'm just kidding you're just like all those crazy windows people i'm gonna get here's the real argument like i don't care that much about stuff it's crazy that we would even think about it it's a weird thing that people are have this amazing desire to be on teams yeah i'm sorry yeah it's crazy even team can eat it i like my phone's

fucking amazing windows 8 is in the house bitches and the startup time's quicker than ever i was watching something on on the online where they're showing how quick the startup time is of windows 8 and from the time you press the button, eight seconds and Windows 8 starts up and it's like really quick. It's like, so what? When it runs, it sucks. And who restarts their computer? Who's freaking out about how long it takes your computer

to start? Isn't it on most of the time? 99.9% of the time my computer's on. Even my computer's a piece of shit and it starts up fast enough for like... Do you get viruses? No. Never?

You don't go to dirty, dirty, dirty sites and then all of a sudden... I do have some weird rabbit holes. Every time you try to open your browser, a fucking pop-up pops up. No. I told you what happened with my girl's laptop. She had this thing called malware or something like that. Malware? Malware.

I don't even know what it is because I've been off i don't know i've heard about it where all you're thinking about is just gay shit dude all day but uh it was so bad that that that norton didn't couldn't do anything none of the things jim norton can do anything about it he was like uh and it got so bad that like there was nothing you could do. I started to do registry edits and like fucking try to add, do safe mode things just to get this thing off. And it was like sending information. It was reading passwords. It was, it tricked itself as a Windows virus protection. So on top of it, it was like saying, here's the way to get this off your computer click here to buy this virus scanning software and so then now you're giving your

credit card information and sending your shit just to get some fucking thing to unlock on your computer to get your computer back whoa so i had to fucking like i even i followed all these instructions i finally pretty much just had to wipe the whole thing and it was so common i found out like this is a normal thing that a lot of people get. This is not like some crazy virus you got out of nowhere. Holy shit. What is it called? Something antivirus malware.

I read something insane. Like, the number of Computer viruses out there What would you say it is? Oh there's a ton of them I don't know It's 480,000 I'd probably say it's in the millions Millions?

Millions I'm trying to find it Because it's so ridiculous But Apple's sucking a dick lately So I might be going back to PC. I just got that Final Cut Pro, and I had to pretty much relearn everything, and now I feel dumb because it's so...

That's just one program, though. Well, that's one of their main programs. They pretty much decided to take their main program. Why would you be mad at all of Apple because of one goofy-ass program? Well, I mean, if that's the direction they're going, where they're making everything more, I don't know, friendly or easy looking or simple, cut and paste.

I mean, the old Final Cut Pro is like you had pretty much you could do anything you want. This is like you have to do backwards steps and do all this extra bullshit just because it looks pretty. Listen how crazy this answer is to how many computer viruses. It's not exactly known, but most likely in the millions. The real problem is that new ones pop up every day. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Millions. Millions? Well, from, oh, that are out there right now? Or from the... Stealing your personal information. That exist.

Yeah, I don't know, man. Is that possible? Somebody might just be talking shit. I need to get verification. Millions? You've got to think, how many people does it take to make one computer virus? Is it just one dude alone just gets crazy and makes this on his own or is there other people involved? How many people are making these things?

I think what it is though is a lot of these viruses are just all variations. You'll have one virus and somebody will change something small in it like the ports or whatever and that's called something else. I don't think it's all new viruses. What do people get out of it? Just mischief, fucking with people? Well, apparently there's personal information.

So that's all their goals is to steal your information? Yeah, they're trying to get your credit card information. A lot of people have all that stuff stored on their computers. You have the e-wallet set up so that you have all your credit card information. So if you want to buy something, you can just use that. Oh, yeah, I don't do that. A lot of people do that. I memorize. I know my credit card number. Is it a Google to buy something, you can just use that. Oh yeah, I don't do that. A lot of people do that. I just, I memorize.

I know my credit card number. And there's a Google Wallet. Is that a new thing? I think they've had it for a while, but I never use Google Wallet. Who the fuck in their right mind is going to use Google Wallet? What an amazing name.

I won't even give them my phone. They keep trying to get for my Gmail a phone number. And I'm like, what the fuck do you need my phone number for? Fuck you, dude. Dude, yeah.

I get email from you you could recover it in case someone steals your passwords if I forget my password I'm an idiot yeah what's up we just need your number

real quick you already have a secondary email address can I get your number can I get your number yeah yeah yeah where you going have you ran out of

Joe have you ran out of gmail space yet no I have not I'm at 96% you're a fucking freak that's why stop sending pictures of your dick all around town.

I know, but what happened? Jesus Christ, kid. Why can't I just make sure? Do you do that? All around town, his dick. It's like Banksy. His cock is like Banksy. Cranksy.

It's all around town. Did I tell you how I have a fake picture of my dick? A fake one? That looks exactly like my bedroom window. So lately, did I say this? I've been sending it out to random people. Like, hey, why don't you come over? And I'll just send it.

And it looks like it would be me laying in my bedroom. Right. And I'll send it to little Esther. And she was like, oh my god, what the fuck? Ha ha, lol. And she goes, ew. But then I send it to somebody else and goes, all right, that was uncalled for. Yeah, dude, people don't want you sending hard dicks to them.

Wait, is it your dick? It's not my dick. It looks like my bedroom and it looks like it could be my dick. But the dick has like this weird black helmet on it. And it looks like ridiculous if you really think that's my dick. But all these people are thinking. What is it really though? It's just a picture I found on Google.

Oh, oh. Why are you sending people pictures? Just fucking around. Oh, so it's a real dick. But when you do this. You just put your head on the body? No, it just looks like somebody laying in what looks exactly like my bedroom. Okay, I get it.

But there's an actual dick there, man. It's fucking his dick. This is a big cover story. That's why it's so lame. He's planned this out. He's got to get through it. He's got to get through this cover story. He's got the same grape juice stain On my fucking bedroom carpet I want you to look at his cock

It's a trick Dude remember when we were I was going to send it to you I'll send it to you Tell me how you would react If you saw this And then you look at it And he made you look at his dick

It's a trick It's trickery It's goddamn trickery You're a weird pervert How could you be shocked at all That anybody would freak out That you just send them Pictures of dicks

Because I would send it To like ex-girlfriends and I was Girlfriends they don't want that shit in their life. No, I know Plus they can recognize your dick or I'll send it to other common looks deformed Do you think they would like a black helmet? like if you hadn't banged her and Six eight months say and she started dating someone else Do you think she would remember your, like,

be able to identify your dick? Depends on what kind of a show your dick puts on. I guess. Does it have a boner? Is it flaccid? It's just pretty big head and, like, thick. It's a big, thick, juicy dick. Let's call a three-quarter hard-on from now on the Brett Favre.

Let's call it that. Is hard-on from now on the Brett Favre. Let's call it that. Is he retired or is he playing again? I think he's going to play with Michael Vick, right? Isn't that the story? What, he's going to go on the Eagles? I think that's what I'd heard. I know nothing about football, though. I might have heard that from Joey Diaz.

What the fuck, Brett Favre? They're going to get that cocksucker. He's going to show them how to play fucking football. That Michael Vick's going to make them billions, dog. Billions. New Orleans was awesome. New Orleans, you should have to have a passport to go to that fucking place, man. That's another country.

New Orleans is another country. That's a wild ass place. I have never been in a city that has such a unique personality as New Orleans. It's like the whole city is small and it's cranked up to nine. Everything's cranked up. People are friendly as fuck. Everyone's drunk as shit. It's like you feel fucked up if you're not drunk.

Duncan and I were doing shots with dinner. We never have shots with dinner. We got there and I said, I feel like having some fucking We never have shots with dinner. Shots with dinner. We got there and I said, I feel like having some fucking whiskey. He goes, it's New Orleans, man. It tells it to you. We're fucking doing shots while we're eating crab cakes. We went out and we had a show at the House of Blues.

It was fucking awesome, man. There was the energy in the room. It was just, whew, it was fun. What was the hot chick level for New Orleans? They're beautiful. A lot of beautiful girls. There was a burlesque show on after us. We stayed and watched a burlesque show, which is very strange. Everybody dresses up like they're from a different time period.

Yeah. And they kind of dance around. And some of it, although beautiful, is quite aimless. Yeah. It's just a lot of dancing around. I guess you're just celebrating how she's dressed and dancing around it was kind of fun because everybody was drunk and getting into it but yeah and so many drunks and so many fucking happy people like i i didn't see a single angry drunk it was weird it was like there was so many people drunk

no here's one of the things that our driver was the coolest fucking guy, this dude Jeff. And Jeff took us around and Jeff was talking to us about how he could only live in New Orleans because he had lived outside of New Orleans only for a little bit and he got in trouble with a cop. Because he's talking to the cop about something and he was drinking a beer on the street. The cop was asking him where he's coming from and he didn't know that you're not allowed to drink beer on the street. Because in New Orleans, you can drink beer anywhere. You can just drink beer on the street. So while he's talking to the cop, he said he opened up a second beer

and started drinking that. And the cop was like, are you stupid? Is there something fucking wrong with you? He goes, where are you from? And he goes, New Orleans. He's like, all right, you can't do that anywhere but there. Right. Yeah, yeah.

And he was like, well, fuck this. And he moved back. Dude, New Orleans is the shit, man. And we were in Metairie, too. We went, me and Goldberg and De La Grotte Karate went and had dinner out there and dunking. And it was fucking, what a great town, man. People are so fucking friendly. They're all in this honky-tonk slash sports bar on a Friday night.

We're eating cheeseburgers with these people, you know, and they're like their local haunt. Or Saturday night, like where they hang. Yeah. It was badass, man. Just people you met there that night. Friendly as fuck, man. Friendly as fuck.

Like what a great vibe that town has. Did you see any ghost towns? Just a happy vibe. Did you see any of the ghost towns? I didn't have much time, dude. I had very little time. You know, that's the problem with, you know, I fly in somewhere, it's like, boom, first thing I got to go do the weigh-ins and then my comedy show.

And then in the morning, I get up, I work out, I do the UFC. There's no time, really, for, like, too much sightseeing, unfortunately. It's the greatest job in the world, but there's no time for a lot of shit. But we did get to go down the French Quarter. We around bourbon street and like this is crazy how is this legal yeah this is the weirdest thing i've ever seen in my life it's beautiful first of all it's a fucking thing it's it's it's a really a national treasure the fact that a place like this exists in this uptight stuck up fucking fucking scared country we live in now. That you could go to a place and it's strip club, bar, food, strip club, bar, food, strip club, bar, food.

This is the recipe. Yeah, chickens, voodoo, all up this street. And it's just a swarm, like salmon salmon spawning of humanity with cups in their hands and everybody is fucking blasted yeah and we're just wandering through the streets checking out the scene and the bars amazing quote they don't close dangerous to the fuck out of here no one's closing there's no closing this shit just stays open they're just open yeah just open that's tough though like we i did a show with stanhope there a few years ago and uh i don't think our show got started until like 11 30 or something so by the time we got out of there it was probably about two and we're like well let's go get a drink at a bar and we go

to this bar and there's people from the show hanging out and i'm like, like, playing pool with a guy, and we're getting pretty drunk. And I was like, what time is it? And I look at my fucking phone, and it's, like, 7 in the morning. And I'm like, Doug, it's, like, 7 in the morning. We had to leave at, like, 9.30. What do you need? Where's the cream? Where's the cream, bro?

Oh, I can make some for you. Hey, fella. Do you have the cream? No. You poured it for me, remember? Is it in the fridge? I can make some for you. Hey, fella. Do you have the cream? No. You poured it for me, remember? Is it in the fridge? I must have put it away. Did we even finish the story of what you did to Silver Lake?

No. This is one of the most funniest things ever. The most funniest. Most funny thing ever. Are you 37 yet? Look, I got internet talk in my head. I don't talk in full sentences anymore. I understand.

It's more gooder. That's the opening answer. More gooder. But you pretty much on – I love the – you have all this big thing with practical jokes. Like you did this thing where you printed out – I think we talked last time where you printed out a top chef. The top chef billboard. And put it on the billboard, this little thing of him, you're pouring stew. And he put it on, you know, this thing.

And then this time you... The last, there's, in my neighborhood, there's a vacant Circuit City that's been there. It's been vacant for almost three years. And I was talking with a friend of mine about how there's no Whole Foods in our neighborhood. And Silver Lake's a pretty hipster, like it would be a perfect place for a Whole Foods and he was like yeah that would be a good location and I was like yeah it would so I made these banners that said coming soon Whole Foods Silver Lake and uh I'll show I have pictures of them um and I hung them on the fence around the circuit

city so everybody thought that uh so that that silver like with like all these like you know uh hipsters were gonna have a whole foods in their in their neighborhood and it blew the fuck up on twitter it was on like websites like los angeles weekly and shit like that it everyone thought whole foods was coming it was a a huge deal. Oh, that's beautiful. People just got really excited. Well, you know, you should talk to Whole Foods and say, listen, the demand is here. Oh, I'm sure they've talked to them already.

I mean, that place has been vacant for three years. Maybe it's too much money to convert it to a supermarket. Something. It was too expensive. Have you always been a practical joker? Have you done that your whole life? Do you have any biggest joke you ever did or favorite one that you've ever done? There's one that you can actually hear.

They played it on another podcast. Everything. I know. Well, I mean. There's nothing wrong with that, man. You have great stories. I played the, I had this card where you can. It's funny, though.

You have to say that, though. You do kind of have to say. Well, yeah, I don't want people to, like, if they only heard me twice, be like, this guy tells the same fucking story. But we're assuming that they're listening to all these different podcasts. Yeah, I don't know. I don't think people have enough time to listen to all these different podcasts. I think we're deluding ourselves. Maybe.

I don't know. Yeah, if you're on radio, you wouldn't be like, yeah, well, I said this on Mark and Brian like two months ago. You know, no one would say that. I might. Depends. I don't want to sound like them. All right, so what happens?

Well, you can hear it online. I had this card. It's called a spoof card where you can call someone and make it look like it's coming from any number in the world. Like I could call you and make it look like it's coming from any number in the world. Like I could call you, make it look like it's coming from the White House. So I called my friend from his wife's number, his newly ex-wife's number. And I would make jokes about wanting to bang his wife all the time and stuff. So I call him in the middle of the night.

And I think I was telling him that I was going to go out on a date with her and I wouldn't really tip my hat on whether I was joking or not. And so I call him in the middle of the night from what looks like his wife's number and I use a voice disguiser to kind of sound like a girl. And basically I tell him that it's his wife. I'm like, Jan. And of course he thinks it's her. He just got woken up at four in the morning. And I say, you know, I went over to your friend Brendan's tonight. It's fucked up, man.

And I'm like, I think he raped me. And he's like, wait, what? It's that is fucking close his mind. But then but it all ends like it all ends and laughs he goes because then he goes where are you right now and i go i'm in the hospital and then there's like a pause and i say there's jizz all over me and then he goes fucking brendan i know it was you that fucking card i can't believe you're wasting your card on me what how does that card work is that shit legal you just you call an 800 like there's an 800 number that you call

that's this is legal yeah i think there's probably an app for it yeah there's actually it's it's a lot of people use it lindsey lowman was known to always use that for for whatever reasons uh but it's like when you use a calling card like an old school calling card Where you call an 800 number and put in your code But instead of a code You put in whatever phone number you want And then you put in You hit like pound and it calls Making it look like it comes from that number

And it'll even say like Well yeah obviously if it's like Red Band If you put in his number His picture comes up on your phone or however it rings That's crazy man How is that legal? I don't know. Somebody gave it to me after a show.

That's crazy. You could cause divorces, fucking murder, suicide. Oh, you could really fuck with people, yeah. You could do all kinds of crazy shit to somebody. I've never done anything malicious. What do you think all the mean people in the world would do something like that? Oh, God, yeah. They could do some damage.

There's probably some recently divorced motherfucker Googling spoof card right now. Yeah. I probably just got them like 10 grand in business. You should start your own spoof card company. Yeah, you should, Brian. Yeah. Yeah, okay.

Maybe I'll go away from this comedy thing and start a whole new industry. You need to really get involved in helping people ruin other people's lives secretly. Be the Ashley Madison of stuff cards. Some cloak and dagger shit. It seems like they shouldn't be able to do that. I don't understand how that could possibly be legal. How could you possibly be able to pretend you're someone else and call someone i don't think that's legal oh if you want to hear that imagine that that seems like fraud

you know yeah i mean it seems like there would be some sort of a weirdo terrorist law to protect you against shit like i think it falls in the same categories like if you write a letter saying that you're you're writing it from the White House on the returns label. I don't know, dude. I don't know. I mean, you know, hopefully I don't get in trouble. But I think there's an app. No, I think that it's something that's out there and I don't

think it's illegal. Yeah, there's actually an app. It's a voice app. Because you can also do like unknown number. I don't know. There's an app that you can buy that's a voice recorder. It is called Recorder on the App Store. And it's the same kind of idea where you put in your credit card information and then it filters the call through this app or something like that. And it records it for you.

So you can record phone calls using your iPhone. It's called Record. God damn, dude. Record phone calls using your iPhone. So you can record other people's phones? Yeah, it uses the same thing where it's like a calling card. That shit can't be legal. Yeah, this doesn't seem...

How can that be legal? But yeah, I don't know how this is legal. But there's even a button that says call recording on your phone. Creepy apps on your phone, kid. You might want to rethink your app collection. There was one point in time when I had four fart apps on my phone. But I got a new phone. There were like

a bunch of free ones. I think it sold pretty quick, but I mean, whatever, it was free. Free fart apps. What satisfaction does someone have when they make a free fart app? Some dude put a Joe Rogan iPhone application.

Somebody made one. It's not me. It's not mine. But he's selling it. What's it do? I don't know. I haven't looked at it, but he's selling it. Well, there's a lot of... Is he allowed to do that?

I don't think so. Well, what it is. Well, you're the guy who should probably look into it. Yeah, well, I just found out about it. There's a lot of apps that have like, you know, for celebrities. They'll have like the Britney Spears fan app where it's just like information about Britney Spears. And that's probably what it is. It's probably something like that.

Yeah, but it's like a buck. It costs a dollar. Someone's selling it. You want me to buy it? Yeah, fuck it. Let's all buy it. Don't do it. We're advertising something that's done for the wrong place.

Hit the dump button. Don't do that. We don't have a dump button. There's no seven seconds left? No, we're live, dude. All that creepy shit you said earlier Hit the dump button. You're not supposed to do that. We don't have a dump button. There's no seven seconds left? No, we're live, dude. All that creepy shit you said earlier, the world knows. All that shit I said seven seconds ago. All that fucked up shit you were thinking.

You know, it brings me up to that roast thing again. There's a funny thing about that style of comedy, man. That real, mean mean fucking ridiculous style you know i'm a big fan of that kind of style of comedy it's one of the reasons why i was kind of upset when that tracy morgan thing went down and i was like you know yeah what he said for sure he shouldn't have said that but he's out there swaying at crazy pitches i, he's out there saying the most fucked up shit possible. It's not that he really means most of this. This is his act.

His act is ridiculous and extreme, and that's what's so funny about it. It's like there's this weird line, though, where people start judging it as a statement, you know, instead of just as something ridiculous. I think people are just looking for shit to get upset about. Like people are so like, we're so fucking ripped off and fucked in this country right now. It's like, Oh,

Tony Bennett said something about nine 11. Let's have 9,000 news stories about that. Yeah. And not about like I, and whatever, this might sound like a bit or something, but like you hear about all this job creation stuff, like talking about,

we're going to create jobs, but just stop outsourcing them. Is that like, has anybody said that? Is that like a popular belief? Well, I think, yeah, a lot of people think that the economy would be much better if we stopped doing that. Then iPhones would be $7,000.

Well, then hey, maybe everybody doesn't have an iPhone. I think that they've, you know think so many places have been established. I mean, electronics have always been cheap. Yeah, well, it's not because we're making them, though. I don't think. I mean, how many electronics do we make over here? Barely. None, but telemarketing could be done here still.

Yeah, that definitely should be. My point was that I think those people work too hard i think uh if you look at those uh what is it foxconn those uh all those things online about the the people who make those iphones like they would never do that here that shit would never get done here it would never get done so yeah you know just it would it just wouldn't happen well no they can have the asians can keep all the electronic stuff they do a good job of that we'll just do a you know like the sitting in a chair trying to sell people shit over the phone what was the point about why did we get on the discussion of how much those things cost to make i don't know why i'm turning to you brian that's when you know it's dark out

oh man that's when you know the end is near but i'm turning to you, Brian. That's when you know it's dark out. Oh, man. That's when you know the end is near. I'm turning to you. Did you hear about these fucking computer gamers who figured out the... Oh, we were talking about people... I'm sorry. Do you want to move on? No, no, no.

About people being outraged about Tracy Morgan. People are definitely looking. You're right. Looking to be upset. Have you heard about the Tony Bennett stuff? Like when he was on Howard Stern, he said something about. Tony Bennett, the singer?

The singer. What'd he say? He said something about that the terrorist, like 9-11 was kind of like, we've been fucking with people. It's like, you know, it was bound to happen sooner or later.

I don't remember exactly what he said, but he was like, well, you know, we've been fucking with people it's like you know it was bound to happen sooner or later i don't remember exactly what he said but he was like well you know we've done fucked up shit too so you're not supposed to say that though no he got a lot of shit but i think it's overblown which is you know like the tracy morgan thing there's just always something with enough buzzwords like 9-11 or faggot where the news can latch on to that and just keep everybody like oh look over there you know while they're like fucking stealing all their money. Yeah, it's amazing that the other thing that we accept like pretty openly is that in times of war, you're not supposed to do anything that's going to possibly damage a soldier's morale

or upset the way they look at things. Like, you know, you're not supposed to say things that would uh you know right possibly upset them you know yeah it's kind of it's which you know totally makes sense but when you stop and think about it like what are you asking them to do you know that's already in the war you know don't you think they're figuring it out by now like wait a minute this is fucking bullshit what's going on do you think they're figuring it out by now? Like, wait a minute, this is fucking bullshit. What's going on? Do you think, you know, I mean, some people can keep it together. Some people, look, people are meant to do everything, man.

There's people that are meant to do that. It sounds ridiculous, but I firmly believe it. I think there's a broad spectrum of human beings in this world. Yeah, no, I don't want to bring anybody's morale down. Why would you even think, never mind. I don't know what don't know do you ever think about joining the military at any point in your life no not at all uh i've always had a problem with like authority and stuff and i did too but i also thought that i needed discipline when i was 18 i almost joined i thought about it i wouldn't say almost joined, but I thought about it as a strong possibility for a couple of days.

Which to me, at 18, with my fucking heavy ADD, was a big deal. I think it would have done me good, but I wouldn't have. Well, I always admired people that did it. I had a few friends that were in the Army, and I had a few friends that had been in the Marines. And they definitely came back more. There was something about them. They had more confidence. They had been through bootcamp and all that shit.

And there was a passage, a coming of age sort of a thing that I hadn't experienced. And I was like, I think there's something to that. You know, I think like bootcamp is good for somebody. Oh, no, no, no. I was always trying to figure out what's the best way to think, what's the best way to maneuver your way through life. What is it? And I was, the thing that I was most uncomfortable with is I'm like, I'm fucking lazy, man.

I don't like this. I don't like it.