The Joe Rogan Experience - #1401 - Iliza Shlesinger

Episode Date: December 16, 2019

Iliza Shlesinger is a comedian, host, and writer. Her new special "Unveiled" is now streaming on Netflix.

and the first sound is a slurp hello eliza it's a cozy morning what's going on my friend it is kind of cozy right for california it's like a little chill in the air makes you feel like there's real weather here it does like we're in a normal place yeah normal place with normal people like where things change like you get a winter and a summer and a spring yeah we get a slight chill and we're like oh my god it's real with the season changing though nobody ages like it's still that perennial somewhere between 20 to 45 year old nobody ages what do you mean everybody in la like there's like this nebulous age where it's like behavior wise and everything like you're

somewhere between 25 and 45 and then on either side that, you're too old or too young. But like everybody is this kind of like just you can act like a child here. That's an interesting observation. It's totally true, right? Because they don't have the responsibility of having to like shovel snow and prepare for the winter and get up and scrape your windshield because there's ice on it. Or prepare for life.

Like you could be like a 45-year-old dude and you're like, I do improv. And I have a roommate and girls are like awesome. Are they really like awesome? Totally. Really? What girls? None that I know. Yeah, none that you're hanging out with.

Someone's fucking. You think so? Yeah. There's a lot of girls that are like that. That's who's fucking. Other people that... There's like a... You know there's certain people that we know.

Well, okay. Let's certain people that we know. Well, okay. Let's not even say we know that we've run into in our life that are on this show business path and they are fucked. And you know, they're like like a stampeding herd of buffalo that are headed for a cliff. Yeah. And there's no way out. You're not good. You're either going to get some kind of a job and you're going to be bitter and angry or you're you're just going to keep doing this forever and it's never going to happen i feel like with comedy in particular it's one of

those careers where it's not even you fail up where you just fail laterally like comedy is one of those things where you can kind of just continue to exist in and around it despite actual talent like we all know the comics where it's like you're're not dead yet? They're like, no! I'm writing ads that go on the back of tickets. I'm writing commercial parodies for like comedy.net. Like just existing in subdivisions

of the realm of comedy. And they think that they're in the game, but really they're in the parking lot. Well then there's the weird ones that come to the store and they come to the improv and they come to the improv and they hang out. But they don't really go up ever. I don't understand that.

I don't understand that. The myth of the hang. The idea is that you would be hanging if you don't know anyone, you want to meet some new friends or your friends are there. But I see people that just bob and weave and they act like they're looking for someone.

I'm like, there's no one there. You're just here hoping someone talks to you, but you've been doing this for so long. Go home, write something. Yeah, but it's not going to happen. Comedy is one of those things, I feel like you could learn how to play music. Someone can teach you how to move your fingers

in the right direction. I mean, you might never be Jimi Hendrix. You might never be some virtuoso who's like stands out but you might get good at music if you could put the practice in could learn the math of it comedy's not that uh my college emerson college offers now offers shout out to boston shout out offers a comedy major and good luck with that right i'm like you're either funny or you're not and you can learn what makes a script funny and you can learn about timing and things, but you have it innately or you don't. Yeah.

I firmly believe that. I do too. And the amount of people, you know, you can't tell someone. There are plenty of people who aren't naturally funny that make a huge career out of things, you know, because someone else unfunny finds them funny. But it's one of those things where I'm not going to be the one to tell you to give up on your dream like that's not my position to tell someone that but you're constantly surrounded by these like it's almost like this walking dead of unfunny like they're just at the shows and they're just there for decades of your life yeah it's hard sometimes they'll ask me to get on the podcast too and i'll be like what

what are you saying what do you say i don't know you don't you say no you're very good i remember watching you i've told you this before we were at the store one time and there's this um because you're so alpha like a proper and i say this to you every time i see you like a proper definition of one and i think that like a real alpha male doesn't seek to disempower, doesn't seek to make anybody else feel bad. Like you're just like, this is what I do. And I set my boundaries. And we were in that back outside bar where only comics are allowed. And this guy walked up to you.

Do you remember this? And he was a little bit in your space, harmless. He was like, oh, Joe, can I get a picture? And you were like, you cannot be back here. You've got to go. Well, I saw him weasel through. He came from the show and then went through the back kitchen area. It's happened a few times where people know that we hang out back there because we talk about it on the podcast.

We go back there to smoke. And then all of a sudden, they'll be like me and Callan or whoever and you and comics just talking about the sets. Like, are you doing Tripoli show? Like, what's going on? Not cool stuff, folks. And then all of a sudden, someone's right here. Like, hey doing triply show like what's going on not cool stuff folks and then all of a sudden someone's right here like hey man hey what's up hey dude can i get a picture you're like you're not supposed to be back is there's a sign that i don't know that it's like we all i put my foot down for certain things and of course as you get older you get

better about it but i straight up i don't know that i could say that to someone i i allow people in my space and i'm like you kind of just tolerate it because you never know and there's that fear like what is this person but you were very like you can't be here and the guy was like oh so sorry well i'm happy to take a picture with somebody but i knew that that guy had gotten into the employees area he he had weaseled his way back through yeah i don't yeah but you did that and i remember watching and i was like fuck i don't know that i could have you could do it the problem is with women like men get really fucking creepy men get really shitty with women if a woman says you can't be here you know who

knows you who knows what kind of a man you're dealing with we can bring i can i can speak to that yeah and i also remember i was on your podcast forever ago, and I had done this show, and I brought up this thing. I get a lot of incels Instagramming me about this because this guy came into our group. It was a group of women standing outside, and he asked for a lighter. Oh, yeah, I remember this. And all of the betas, you've got a lot of great fans, but on the fringe ones, they were like, oh, don't ask her for a lighter. And I'm like, tell you what. oh, don't ask her for a lighter.

And I'm like, tell you what, when someone bigger and stronger than you that has the ability to hurt you comes into your personal space, not really wanting a lighter, wanting something else, and your sensors go off, make sure that you stay silent and see how great you feel.

I don't think there's any respect for the idea that sometimes you feel scared, and it's not like a cry wolf thing. I'm a tough chick. I don't walk around afraid, but every once in a while... Show me some knuckles. Tough chick.

They're all bloated from vodka last night it's like yeah there's a thing like someone can do it the right way like someone could say excuse me does do any of you ladies have a lighter easily and that and then he's like no sorry we don't smoke okay cool thank you but i've had it happen where somebody they put their energy and they get in that they're like who has a lighter and you're like i don't think what you want is a lighter uh and i stand by that decision um it's all context i think so but it's so it's a technicality right and it's like okay so if you want to have white power night at the laugh factory you just have to cut jamie a check so we're going to take over the place i I think my biggest issue would be cutting Jamie a check. I knew it. Buddy, listen, we have white power night.

Love to have you in, but you're not white power. White power open mic night. There are no jokes. Everyone is fully erect. Buddy, everybody already did Sieg Heil. You can't do Sieg Heil. Have you been banned from there no okay because i was yeah i know yeah but well i was your first guest on your podcast that you were doing out of there i know and you were and that was so cool of you because it was a podcast there

was no money in it there was you know but you were a friend like i didn't get any. It was a dinky podcast run in the attic of the Laugh Factory. And when you decided to leave the Laugh Factory as a venue for your podcast, you wanted to expand. Jamie said, buddy, you can no longer do your Sieg Heil in my club. To the two Jews. He yelled at me. And this was four years ago. He yelled. I was offered my podcast this is it's an old podcast to run it out of the improv and so i called jamie and i said i uh i got offered

my podcast somewhere else and i'm gonna take it there i just wanted to because they had set up a whole podcast studio the uh levity yes yeah they set it up they're like come over here we'll get you advertisers we'll like we'll produce this because the laugh factory they They set it up. They're like, come over here. We'll get you advertisers. We'll produce this. Because the Laugh Factory, they would put it up, but that was it. There was no business behind it. And I was fine with that. I wasn't trying to make money. Improv asked me over that.

I go, okay, great. So man to man. I called Jamie. I go, I just want to say it. Man to man. Man to man. I talked to him like a man. Whoa.

I called him up and I said, listen, fucker. No, I just said, hey, I just want to let you know I've been offered to take my podcast somewhere else and I'm going to take that opportunity and I just want to let you know I've been offered to take my podcast somewhere else. And I'm going to take that opportunity. And I just want to give you the respect of telling you versus just leaving. Absolutely no problem. You are family. Really?

And by the way. He said no problem? Mm-hmm. That's why this is so insane. No problem. You are family. Go ahead. I'm making him sound Russian.

But it's like a weird accent anyway. So I go. And keep in mind, I was like the textbook picture employee. They're like, I'm one of three women that perform there regularly at the time, like headlining women. I bake cookies for the waitresses. I would bust my hump to get there because there's times where it was written in stone, like it's 845. Can I get 850? I'm running. No, this is the time. Like I was, I never ran the stone. Like, it's 8.45. Can I get 8.50? I'm running. No, this is the time. Like, I was, I never ran the light.

Like, I was really respectful. And like an hour later, he calls me yelling at me. What? You did not say you are taking your podcast to levity, which is the governing, for those of you who don't know, body that owns a lot of the improvs, and they're a huge thing. But you told me you were going to the improv.

I just said I'm taking it elsewhere. It didn't occur to me to say it, but it also, Levity's so big. It's like I didn't even think, oh, it's a competing thing. I think of the factory as a couple of clubs, and Levity's more of like an enterprise. Yeah. Plus, I don't play when I'm in a factory or clubs.

Right. Just yelling at me, acting like I did this duplicitous thing. He hangs up on me. Hangs up on me. Grown man. And I go on the website that night. My name is taken down off all the shows. I'm pretty sure he removed my face

from that mosaic of comics outside. I am persona non grata. And so, did I ever tell you the conclusion of this? No. It really hurt my feelings. Really? And I'm the kind of person, if you shut a door in my face

I will nail it closed. And I call the laugh factory and all the girls that are working there and I said why didn't anyone like we're all cool like did no one even stand up for me like I didn't really do anything wrong and this one girl goes you know he's just really stressed a lot of people are leaving the

production office so I think he's stressed because A lot of people are leaving the production office. So I think he's stressed because a lot of employees are leaving. And I go, who's left? And she said this one girl, who doesn't matter the name, said this one girl. And I go, okay, give me her number. And I called her. And I said, hi, it's Eliza because she worked on my podcast. And I was like, I will give you X amount of money if you walk out of the Laugh Factory today and come work for me.

And it was like a chunk of cash. And I was like, I need the answer by noon. I'll be at King's Road Cafe. There was no reason to put a clock on it. I was just feeling really He put a power move down. And that's who's

sitting in our lobby now. She's been my assistant for four years. I rescued her. She's my angel in my heartbeat. And only recently were they like,

she can come back because my face is on the side of the fucking building. Oh, you can come back now? Yeah. Do you come back? I did one show back. Did you? Did you see Jamie?

No. I said, I go, he doesn't need to apologize, but I'm walking in with my head held high and I'm doing my set. I'm not like, everybody was super cool. He's not there because he farms it out now to other bookers. Yeah. Did he put your video up on youtube did he film your set i told knowledge i told brian monarch i go i'm going because i'm i'm doing another show there too i'm going if you film me i will have a kramer moment like i will

flip out on you in an epic way like it is it is a non-negotiable thing so they said no they're not i talked to Bill about this. He goes, nah, they don't do that. If you ask them, they don't put your video up. I go, yeah. I go, look for your videos. Yeah. We're in the fucking green room of the Ice House.

And he goes, what the fuck? He sees videos on YouTube. It's like old comedy, too. Well, it doesn't matter. I mean, Chappelle, that's one of the reasons why Chappelle won't go there. Yeah. He went there just to work out and this is when he was not doing shows and not doing specials

and they put all his shit online. No asking him, no nothing. I think that they I think they've got new management there or whatever but it's... It trickled down from the top. Oh, for sure. There's no way anybody's just recording people on their own and putting it

on the on the fucking internet no they know that it's not cool and they're doing it anyway i also yeah it's uh for people don't know like how comedy works we need to work out like if eliza comes up with a bit tonight and and works on it tonight that's if someone records it and films it and puts it online that bit's fucked because that bit's not done that bit's a baby you're being judged on that bit it would be like anything if you were an athlete and you went to a workout and they're like well you can't make the team you're like well i'm still working out i'm not i'm gonna get bigger uh just it's not even just that it's like eating a half-baked cake it's yeah it's it's just the premise is cooked like

you fuck the premise up it's now it's like it's out there. Yeah. It's tricky because we rely on live audiences. And thankfully, the vast majority of people that come to comedy clubs, particularly in L.A., are really cool. Like we have no problems with this. It's not an issue. But this is a thing that we need. an issue but this is a thing that we need you know we need and because everyone has a recording device now it used to be like difficult to bring a recording device into a comedy club now everyone

has them by default on their phone my favorite thing is i understand if you're dave chappelle uh and you're like i need your phone zipped up because this is you know sacred material and these are you know um we all have our material that we need to make money off of. Some comics are bigger than others. My favorite is when shitty comics are like, we need your phones taken away. I'm like, nobody's checking for your act. Like nobody's taking your act. Unless you say something stupid.

Yeah, there's that. Then they'll try to ruin your career with it. Should be a social contract. The improv does that with every show. I love that. And by the way, I'm there this Friday night, 1030. Just announced it. Just put it up online.

I'm also there this week, but I don't have my phone with me i'm just doing 15 minutes but i that to me i think it slows it down at the improv yeah um does slow i've never but it also makes people more aware they're just not checking their goddamn phone all the time one of my favorite shows that i ever did when i was doing that when i was when i prepare for my netflix special the last couple months before, I did all my shows with these phone bags. It gets to be a pain in the ass, especially when you're doing giant places.

But in Miami, it's the best. Because Miami, everyone is doing coke and no one is paying attention to anything and they're all looking at their phones constantly. So you could use your phone, but you had to leave the building to use your phone. So everyone was getting up and going out and coming down and coming in so during the show it was just constant oh my god oh my god

coming in and sitting down the only place out of all the places i did miami was the only place where people were constantly getting up and sitting down not even aware that like you're doing a performance yeah like we don't care well miami just crazy It's it's own thing Yeah it's another country It really is It's wild It's fun It's a great place to visit I love Miami

I love the food I love the people I love the attitude down there But it's just It's not the best place To perform You said that to me In an airport once

I remember everything you say You said that to me Now I feel bad for repeating it But we were in an airport And you were going to Miami I was going somewhere else And you were like If you like something like if you want to starve if you want to starve to open a library in miami open a bookstore open a bookstore because i remember thinking well no one makes money on the library uh open but you said that and i always remembered

you said that i've only played miami proper once but i always play like fort lauderdale and all the things around it i used to do the improv with jo Diaz. We used to go down and do that improv down there in Coconut Grove. Holy shit. It was a battleground. All the Florida clubs. And I love Joel Bashkoff with all of my heart. Some of these, like West Palm Beach.

I'm there, five sold out shows for Valentine's Day. Nobody's laughing. I'm like, why did you come? Like, these tickets cost you money. And then people are like, oh, we did love it. It's the weirdest. You're pulling from the polar ends of every demographic to comprise a Florida audience. Well, they all escape to Florida from somewhere else.

The people that are born and raised there are like, whoa. That being said, Tampa and Orlando, fucking fire. Like, awesome. I wonder why that is. Maybe it's a coastal thing. Orlando is a lot of people visiting too. Yeah. Orlando is like

Disneyland, Universal, like that's a giant part of Orlando is people that are visiting. Yeah. And I always liked Tampa.

It was always cool. I remember playing the Jacksonville Comedy Zone. I like West Palm. I've always had a good time at West Palm. I had a good time because I made a lot of money

and everybody was nice but I remember thinking like this is like always had a good time at West Palm. I had a good time because I made a lot of money and everybody was nice. But I remember thinking, like, this is like blood from a stone. Really? And it was like Valentine's Day weekend. I mean, there's a bunch of dudes that get dragged there by their fucking wives. They're like, hmm. It's a... I always make that joke.

You're never in the room. Or it'll be in the main room. And there's always dudes. You can tell the dudes that are there for Marc Maron and the dudes that are there for rogan because there's like it's just a different there's two different types of dudes and i always make a joke like if something doesn't i'm like i'm like every guy's like yeah where's rogan that's why i showed up what's she doing here where's rogan and they always laugh because they're like friendly apes right they're friendly apes but the you can tell the guys that are there for you the guys are there for marin you can tell because they're by themselves i was gonna say they're all in flannel someone told me they had

he had like the highest number ever of single tickets sold funny in all these different venues i always encourage by the way i like mark of course you do i love duck we're both in a movie coming out together oh yeah what is it it's called wonderland It's a Mark Wahlberg, Winston Duke, Peter Berg movie I feel like you and Peter Berg are friends I like that guy You guys are the same vibration We're in a movie together He plays a reporter and I play

A love interest I'm reticent to say He was great in the Joker He's great I always encourage people You get a DM like I don't want to go to your show alone. I'm like, come alone. It's a dark room. Nobody's going to ever make fun of you.

It's kind of fun. And you make, at least in my shows, you make friends. Yeah. Because people, everybody wants to feel good. It's okay. Bring your dog. Come alone. I've talked to people like that too.

Is it lame to come to your show alone? Just come, man. Who cares? Go to the movies by yourself. Yeah. The cool thing about groups of people going to see things is that you're feeding off the vibe of all the people there it's not just it's an experience yeah it's not virtual reality you're with people it's an experience and you're there and by the way how bad of a comic am i if people are noticing an

audience member alone yeah like if that's the focus well the only problem would be like a place like the store they'd have to sit somebody at your table because every place is like a two top or a three. But then it looks like you're with them. That's right. And when I come to pick on you, then we'll know. Yeah, then we'll know. Then it'll be a show. The ones by themselves, they always seat them.

I don't know if they asked for it in the OR. They always seat them in the front. So I was like, I'm just here alone. I'm like, that's cool. But it's weird. You're right in the front. Well, that's because it's easy to do, right? Because it's not a table.

It's a bar. You know, the front part's like just a long line, a large table. Yeah, it's not, it doesn't like, you're next to someone. You could easily be right next to someone. You have no idea who they are. I can always tell where the line is. I'm like, I can tell who's together. Like shapes go with different shapes.

And you can tell like where that line is. I like you're a school shooter you're sitting alone these two are together so yeah the or is the fucking ultimate university for comedy you learn so much about whether your act sucks or where your act's at like whether or not it's getting better where you know it's it's such a we're so lucky i think about that sometimes like when i think about living somewhere else because i do want to live somewhere else and i probably will never totally live somewhere else i'll probably keep a place here always because i feel like there's something about being able to go to the store it's so goddamn powerful it's like we're so fortunate that we all work together you know and any given show would be you and me and dalia and whitney and joey diaz

and callen and it's like fucking god damn we're so lucky yes it's we're so fucking lucky it's always drops in like a thick like there's always on the lineup there's always like a dense murderous chunk yeah and i think to myself like wow i'm so proud to post these lineups because these are the people that comic these are the comics that people want to see. Like, this is special for them. And this dangerous, weird energy place is our home. And other comics, you know, people are very intimidated by the store, which I totally get because there's a dark energy there. But I always feel like I'm part of the Addams family.

I'm like, yeah, but that dark castle is my home. Yeah. Well, it's a tight-knit group of humans, you know? We're all real close to each other in a weird way. In a weird way, but I've never, like, I'll never go to Brian Callen's house. Never? Like, I don't know where you live. Like, not never, but, like, we're close.

Right. And I love seeing you guys, but, like, but outside of that, for some of us, I mean, I think it just depends. Yeah, I think we spend enough time with each other at the fucking store. I get excited. I go on the road with a lot of guys, you know, so that's different. Because when you're on the road together, you really like family. You know, like if I'm on the road with Diaz or Ari or Hinchcliffe or any of those guys,

like, you know, we eat together, we work out together, we're just bullshitting together, we're walking to the mall together and hanging out. Like, it's all, we're together together all day and you have systems in place there's like a comfort you bring you know you bring your friends because there's a trust there there's a shorthand my my features hunter hill do you know hunter no i don't he's huge um and he's so funny and it's like i i'm so proud to be able to be at a place in my career where i can foster, bring another comic and watch them grow. And I'm so proud of him and to get to share my audience with him. Like that's part of being an established comic, that joy.

It's like having like a child, like of giving them these opportunities. Yeah. And to show them you also have this opportunity to show other comics the right way to tour and the right way to treat a comedy club waitress and the right way to speak to your tour like there's so many shitty comics out there that do things wrong and i very early on decided like these are the rules that i want to tour with and this is how i want to treat people and you pass that on other comics learn from older comics yeah that's the only way we learn about everything really right i we've been talking about this a lot lately that there there's nothing written down by people like us,

by, like, legitimate, established comedians with specials who headline all over the country and the world. There's nothing written down by us. Because there's no rules. It's all so fluid. But even that, just that fact, you know, like, I feel like there's a book out there that should be written, you know like i i feel like there's there's there's a book out there that should be written and it should probably be done by us where we kind of just talk about how everyone has a different process everyone's got a different way of doing it because young comics i mean it takes a long there's there's a lot of like wasted energy trying to figure out how to do it and no one can really

figure out how to do it themselves until they just have experience and do it. But I want to know how you write. I want to know what do you do when you have a premise? How do you go up? Do you do it different than D'Elia does it? Do you do it different than Diaz does it? How does Bill start his set? When he throws away all his material because he just filmed a special,

how does he start new? What do you do? And also, by the way, you can read all about the people that read about comedy and then think that's the way to do it you won't know till you go right and that's why when i you know i had somebody reach out to me recently they're like i'm getting up pretty regularly getting laughs pretty regularly i'm like the key is pretty regularly it has to be regularly yeah what is pretty regularly right and i'm like this is a commitment this is a craft this is a passion this isn't a hobby if you want to be a hobby you're gonna get hobbyist hobbyist results you know that's a good way of putting that and so you got to put everything

in because it's the only way you know how to operate uh but just because i write a certain way doesn't mean that works for you like i don't write anything down right some people i remember one comic had a recipe box of jokes and he would go through and each one was categorized. Is that insane? For sure. Was he good? No. But everybody's got their way that they do it.

And if it works, it works. It's not, you know, you can't knock it. Yeah, I think that everyone has their own way, for sure. And I think you can learn from other people's ways and maybe try them out. And also you've got to realize someone like you has been doing it forever and doesn't write anything down. That's very different than someone who's just starting out who doesn't write anything down. Like you should probably write some shit down.

Yeah. A couple of keywords. Yeah. Something. Yeah. And record your sets. Fuck. But it's the thing about it is that there's the consequences.

Like if you really want to make it as a comic, you must literally dedicate your life to it, particularly in the beginning. Like, you have to. I was talking about this the other day. I was like, because so many people do comedy now. Even Les did it when you started. And so many people do it now. And there's so many avenues for comedy, so many different ways you can do it, so many people do it now and there's so many avenues for comedy so many different ways you can do it so many more opportunities i really give the people that do it now that are starting

out credit because if i were if i just decided i want to start comedy now it would seem insurmountable just how intimidating it is getting in everybody's in ucb everybody to stand up everybody i feel that way about podcasts too though you know I always tell people to do podcasts I'm like just fucking do it it's a if you can figure out how to do it it's an amazing way to make a living and so many people can do it it's like anything else like comedy like anything else you you just start it and do it but there's so many people doing it now I mean the numbers are fucking astonishing there's's no litmus test for what's decent. But if you're good, I really feel like even though there's 700,000 podcasts,

if you have something that's unique and interesting and you build something. People will find it. People will find it. The cream rises at the top, and that's with comedy too. Go, do your set, don't blame anyone else, put in the work. There's nobody out there who's fucking awesome that isn't making steps toward being better undeniable yes yeah there's nobody out there that's like a brilliant comic and it's like yeah nobody will give me stage time it's been that way for a decade

if you are good people will support you a lot of people won't but you have to just move in that direction and even if you are that shitty comic that we were talking about at the beginning, like, don't let us be the ones to tell you no. Don't you feel like in this day and age, though, comics are way more supportive of each other than when you started? Yeah. And I'm at a different level now, so I don't... It's weird.

I was thinking about the comic store. When you start there, you're like a freshman. And now you can become an upperclassman, and the upperclassmen stay upperclassmen. Like, you were an upperclassman when I started, but now you can become an upperclassman and the upperclassmen stay upperclassmen like you were an upperclassman when i started but now i'm also an upperclassman and these people go from being people you look up to to being your colleagues um and among successful comics it's less cutthroat you know and i think because of the pendulum shift in our society people are a little bit kinder or whatever but all that toxic energy that was at the store in particular and in comedy i remember when i started kind of flushed out not really tolerated as much oh it's gone it's 100 gone there's no there's no like we got a lady

doorman yeah it's crazy place now and and adam i think to his credit kind of is responsible for a chunk of that shift 100 and i think the resurgence of our audience is i would say in large part due to you and your podcast and marin and his podcast brett ernt said this to me a while ago and i agreed with it he was like podcast people hear it and they come to the store and it's become more of a destination because it for a while like the store was like whatever well there was a prelude to that when paulie shore had a show when remember you had minding the store i was in high school yeah well when he had minding the store i was in high school yeah well when he had minding the store i was at the store and i remember there was this

giant crowd in the front bar and i was like what is going on and paulie was out there and uh people were like well the show minding the store has really jumped up the amount of people coming it didn't last you know the show didn't last either but there was an impact and i remember the impact and i was going oh that's crazy yeah look how many people watch this show like all of a sudden the comedy store became like this destination but now when you think about podcasts like this one that was going to be heard and seen by millions of people and the other ones that we've done have also been and then the other you know we've done fucking how many comics on podcasts like hundreds of them all those are like a free advertisement for the

greatest spot on earth for stand-up yeah and you get to say your spots and people come and they just want to be part of it i was in a like a novelty store in sweden i was buying like a plate with like a cartoon chicken on it and this really cute guy because i like little things it was like i got it for my assistant it had like just some, like a tchotchke. Right. And the guy who obviously like, it wasn't his dream job, just like a dude. And I was talking and he was like, I've heard you on Joe Rogan. And I was like, I'm in Sweden in like a girly plate shop.

And here's this dude who probably like fucking loves MMA and you and recognize my voice across the world. In like the weirdest little plate store. And I was like, that's the power of comedy. Like it reaches that far. Yeah. And you get to tour. Like I got to go on tour. I got to go to Malaysia to do comedy.

What was that like? Fucking lit. Like they were, I, to me, I did this whole Asia tour and I was like, Malaysia is of all the countries I did. Cause I did Hong Kong and I did Japan and there was one more and I'm of all the countries i did because i did hong kong uh and i did japan and uh there was one more i'm blanking on it oh singapore and of all of them i had not been to malaysia i'd been to the others and i had less context for malaysia i knew some of my clothing was made there and i knew that we ship a lot of our recycling there or try to but i had no context and it's interesting because you're there and everyone is in a hijab and they're Asian.

So that's like, you don't see that at time. Yeah, because they're all Muslim. Muslim Asians. And they look like Asian, like Japanese or Chinese? Yeah, like Asian. Wow. And they were just, the crowd was on fire. Really?

I thought it was going to be super conservative and weird. I made fun of the Chinese a little bit. They were like, yes! And they just went nuts. And they were awesome. And I just remember remember thinking like and some people are expats but a lot of them were just full-on malaysian and it's all because of netflix and i was like that's it's so special to have your comment i'm gonna go tour in russia like places that you have no real context for are feeling your heart and they're understanding what you're saying and it's resonating with people that are nothing like you you're gonna tour in russia yeah whoa that's heavy

i'm going to europe like it's just cool and then they know other comics like they know who you are they know who other people and it's just it's this secret it's this like language this community that where you and i are members of and people all want to be part of it right because people want to feel seen and heard and that comedy validates that weird voice in your head and it lets you know that you're not alone and for so many people that feel alone it's so powerful to feel like you're being seen and that somebody understands you and that's why it's so important to have so many different kinds of comedy different shapes and colors just so people can choose who they resonate with right i'm never

going to be able to reach everyone and that's okay yeah of course touring in uh rush is going to be a trip schultz just did that i'm gonna ask burt kreischer for tips did did burt work over there no but the whole machine thing yeah yeah he'll tell you how to get drunk on a train yeah i can tell you how to get drunk anywhere i got a letter today i'm going to vietnam and it was in bold and i've been to vietnam before like for funsies but it was in bold and it was like this like written out like imprisonment will be issued there will be no jokes about do not mention vietnam war vietnam like all these things what and i legit was like i do mention the vietnam War so just please remind me day before not to have that one joke

it's not a joke about the Vietnam War it's in there as part of the setup but some countries like you do military shows they have like a no burden list like you can't there's certain things you can't say you know when you do a military show

you can't make like drug jokes please don't make fun of the president which I get and some countries are like no fucking joke do not say it like so they wouldn't let you joke about vietnam you can't say sorry sorry about all that i feel like i could but then like try explaining context to someone that just wants you in jail yeah i was

going to china i did hong kong and i had beijing and they canceled it to honor so random the tiananmen square massacre which of course should have been honored prior, but it wasn't. And they canceled all comedy, not that there was a ton across the land. But they canceled it. And it's just a thing where we're very lucky in this country. You can say whatever you want. Your rights end at your neighbor's nose. But that freedom is totally not to be taken for granted.

And other countries are aware of our freedom too and i wonder how long they're going to keep the bullshit up in places like china i wonder how long they're going to be able to do that because like you see what's happening in hong kong where hong kong is rebelling against the chinese i was there when those protests were happening we had to move the hotel because it was like in this like civic area uh it's i think it was like on cal loon bay or something and i'll be a thousand percent honest it was so congested and busy there but if i didn't know there were protests going on i wouldn't have known it was and now it's probably grown a lot but i mean it's ongoing those people they got a message and they're not backing down they're not backing down what's incredible is it's been going on for months and months and months it's like a new activity people are just in the streets.

But a lot of people have been shot on video by cops. And we just watch it. And it just happens. And it's not a big deal. It's insane. But we definitely have these social liberties. And I don't take it for granted. And some of these countries.

And then part of me is like, okay, some venues are big. Some venues are small. If I make a joke that you don't like is that going to be run up the flagpole i don't want to take the chance i know it's so interesting we're at such a strange tipping point culturally uh in this country and then worldwide you know you know england just had their uh big elections jeremy corbyn lost, but he did a video where he was saying how he's running for president or whatever it is, prime minister. What is it over there? Prime minister.

Yeah. I'm watching The Crown. He said his fucking pronouns. He said my pronouns are him, he. Okay, can I just put this out there? I'm super pro-trans. I'm pro-fluid sexuality. If you are a straight male, we know your fucking pronouns are him, he. Well, even if you're a gay male. If you're a straight male we know your fucking pronouns are him he well even

if you're a gay male if you're a gay male your pronouns could be he him too if your pronouns are something or what it looks like you are yeah i don't think you need that to me that feels very white nighty beard he has it's a hundred percent white nighty yeah it was very cringy and i think a lot of people like there's like some borderline people like fuck this guy with this he him shit yeah your pronouns you want to say him they z whatever great he him when you when you're he him everybody you know it's just such a thing a ploy you know my pronouns are he him like oh no you didn't you fuck you're 60 years old because what it does this it gets other it's it's such a valid thing for other people and then it makes people eye roll just

a little bit and then i think it takes away from the plight the genuine cause of the trans community yeah which fully supportive of yeah if you want to be called she or her fine i identify i'm not down with the made- words the made up words can all go fuck themselves the zur and zeegs well also you wouldn't know

unless someone told you like don't get mad at me for not innately knowing that I should have said you should have asked you should have asked the pronouns no you gotta tell me

no no you have to ask that's the new rule you must comply I'm really bad at asking questions oh like someone will be like how was your day I'm like great and I talk and i always have to remind myself like and how was your boring day because there's no punch lines in this answer people ask me and i always assume

they're just interested and then i realize they're making small talk i should ask i should return the fire but i don't know ear beatings are the worst when someone comes over and just starts rattling off about how their day was and there's nothing there. Nothing. And then I went to try to find a lighter, but you know how hard it is to find a lighter? And then I went to this store, there was no lighter. And I was like, do you know where I can get a lighter?

The other day, somebody was talking to me and the words came out like a burp. I couldn't stop it. I just went, stop. Stop telling me. Stop talking. It just came out. So you can do what I did did to that guy i was very comfortable with that person oh stop talking oh you were comfortable wasn't a stranger that's the

difference no yeah sometimes you got to give people a minute they're not as uh verbally accurate but yeah but yeah as we both take yeah so malaysia is where is it on the map? it's next to Singapore it's like Singapore's younger I guess Singapore's the younger brother Singapore has a lot of expats right? a lot of expats, a lot of money, it's very sterile it's not like a party

but they have a lot of money there's some crazy laws there right? if you fuck up they'll cane you remember the kid? that was our introduction to singapore as white america that kid's got scars on his ass to this day well here's a fucking rule don't go to another country and break their law and think it's cool because you're american right like i have such a healthy respect as a proud american i always want to represent well talk about in my act so i'm not

going to do the bit but i really am cognizant of the fact that people in many cases look up to us and or are jealous of us and like with anybody if you give them a reason to be like what an american pig and i don't i will like i will always show you that we are as good as we think we are that's what i always say about hawaii like people say oh if you go to hawaii they don't like white people i go no they don't like ass they don't like assholes don't litter is one of the nicest places ever do they have a problem with some white people that come over there and't like assholes. They don't like assholes. Don't litter. Hawaii is one of the nicest places ever. Do they have a problem with some white people that come over there and act like assholes? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But like the general, like you're going to find racists everywhere. Racists against black people. Racists against Hawaiian. Racists against white people. Racists against Asians. You're going to find that. There's certain people that are just, they don't like others. Right?

That's it. It's just how it is. But people that are just, they don't like others. Right? That's it. It's just how it is. But for the most part, Hawaii is cool as fuck. They just want you to respect their land the way that they do. Yes. And I get it. It's funny because my mom, anything, I'm like, I'm going to these countries. She's like, don't walk around alone.

You're Jewish. Be careful in Europe. You're Jewish. By the way, anti-Semitism is rampant, alive, and well, and horrific. You don't look Jewish, though. You could pull it off. You the way like anti-semitism is rampant alive and well you don't look jewish though you could pull it off you don't look anti-semitic like what does that mean you have a tiny little nose well i paid for it what was it like before you got it whacked huge no it was just different it was like you know miss it ever my dad calls it the chinsky hook everyone in my family has this nose my nana whose last name was chinsky and it's just my dad calls it the Chinsky hook Everyone in my family has this nose My nana whose last name was Chinsky

And it's just my dad has it It looks great on a dude Not my favorite thing Dudes can have fucked up noses and it's kind of noble So my husband has like a big nose right He's a handsome fella He loves you Half Italian half Jewish

And I said to him cause I'm like this isn't my nose And if we have a baby And it's a girl and she's got that nose she better be fucking great at basketball or brilliant because just get her nose fixed i don't it would be her choice i would want her thing is your nose matches your face like if i didn't know your nose fixed i would yeah well sometimes too because i had one you know you i look and i can spot one a mile away like a nose job and a lot of people have big noses and they get these scooped out things that don't fit their face. Because everybody wants a cute little goyish nose. Goyish.

And it doesn't fit. If you've got a long face and you have this scooped out nose, you can tell. Like if Ari got a little nose like yours, we'd be like, what in the fuck is going on with your face? If any dude had a little elfin nose. But I have a small head. I have a small mouth. It's a syndrome. And I have a tiny nose like yours we'd be like what in the fuck is going on any dude had a little elephant nose right but i have a small head i have small mouth it's a syndrome and i have a tiny nose now but uh yeah but that's it i think the blonde hair throws people smell as good as you used to be able to yeah i have your nose holes are probably smaller no my nostrils were always small i have i got when i was 18 so like who remembers anything before that right i have keen olfactory senses i

can smell it's like a problem like a wolf like if you had a that right i have keen olfactory senses i can smell it's like a problem like a wolf like if you had a cigarette yesterday i would be able to tell you now really i it's a problem it makes it difficult for me like what is that one where people not amb uh like where people have sense like uh where loud noises upset them yeah i don't know the word but i know what is it i have that with smells and it's difficult just around people and i'm constantly having i'm constantly like being like just mentally attaching things in places of smells like i'm just having uh not deja vu but i'm always having experience fucking useless until i got it fixed i got uh you've been hitting the nose so much that's the problem everybody says they had a deviated septum i did got my deviated septum I feel like you've been Hitting the nose so much That's the problem Everybody says they had A deviated septum

I did have a deviated septum My nose is actually wider I think after the operation Because they stuffed some things I had to get these turbinates They're called Cleaned up They had to cut

The inside of my nose out And it was also calcified Yeah Because you know like Cauliflower ear You know what that is When guys get fucked up ears From wrestling

I squeeze it I had that inside my nose So the inside of my nose was all hard With a lot of people that have been Hitting the nose And like scar tissue It just It swells

Well what it is Is when you have blood under the skin The reason why you get calcium Or the cauliflower ear It's actually What happens is the blood calcifies And the blood actually literally becomes a rock right so like when you see um cauliflower ear like i've seen guys get their cauliflower you're broken off and it falls off yeah there's a video of this guy he loses his

cauliflower ear see if you can find it jamie just google cauliflower falls on the map it's white it's white like a white stone like Like calcium. Because it literally is calcium. Sure. Yeah, so that was inside my nose. Oh my God. So they had to open up my nose, you know,

with fucking forceps and shit and carve all this stuff out and then they had to shove these molds, like these like, To form it. Yeah, well it's like foam,

like a hard, like a soft, you know, dense foam. So look at that ear on the ground. The whole thing. Yep. That's just, but that's just the calcified part. That's just the calcified, but it. So look at that ear on the ground. The whole thing. Yep. But that's just

the calcified part. That's just the calcified, but it's all the skin attached to it as well. I bet he was relieved. Probably. But guys like it because it makes them

feel like a fucking man. Well, you can spot a fighter. I'll see him in airports. I mean, they're always also in sweatpants and sliders, but it doesn't go away.

She fought Jessica Ai and Jessica Ai fucked her ear up and to the point where her cauliflower ear broke off, and you could see inside of her head. Like her ear was hanging down. You could look into her head. It's hard to see from that picture. That's not the best picture.

I mean, I'm cool. You're cool with that? I think about how sweaty my ears get in these headphones, so I can't imagine being punched in the ear repeatedly. Well, I always wore headgear. Always. From grappling. That's why I don't have any cauliflower ear. Well, so you're not- Like a little, tiny pieces, but nothing serious. Do you love it?

Do you love that you're tiny pieces? Yeah, I tell everybody. Look how badass I am. Touch my fucking thick ear. Feel it right there. My rock hard ear. Little spot. Little tiny spot.

Yeah. Little bitty one. I always ask if I can squeeze it, and they always say yes. And it's never as satisfying as I'd hoped it would be. It's a rock. Yeah. You want to squish it It's not cute

Randy Couture told me He used to shove it In people's faces Like when he's wrestling He used to get his ear And drive it into People's eye sockets Like that whole thing

Is a giant rock Well props to him For having the precision In battle To be able to do that Along with all the grappling He's a savage He just had a fucking

Heart attack Well I I'm sorry yeah it's crazy dude's like 55 years old he was working out and he was like um i gotta go to the doctor just went straight to the doctor and they're like dude you just had a heart attack he's like i'm so fucking tough i didn't even notice so i eat my own heart i don't have any sports injuries i don't think i ever played a sport you have no sports injuries at all? No I feel like a lot of girls Get knee surgery in high school

Maybe I just wasn't playing hard enough You never played any sport? I played sports I played lacrosse You were so white It's such a private school thing That's the whitest sport of all time I played lacrosse in Texas

It's a rough sport though People crack people with those sticks. What I lacked in genuine athletic ability, I made up for in aggression. So there's nothing worse than an athlete that's not good but they're very aggressive. Do you think that flavored you as a human? Maybe. It wasn't cute.

Well, it's not cute. I think of girls playing lacrosse as like hair all over the place and fucking this face. In skirts, yeah. I got ejected from a game one time so hard that I wasn't allowed to sit with my team. Like what's a shade beyond a red card? Like a black beating heart.

What did you do? I hit a girl. With a stick? Yeah. With my car in the parking lot. I thought it meant your hand or something. No, I hit her with my stick and it was unlawful and they made me sit next to my parents in the stands and it was so humiliating. Good for you. Yeah.

I would pat you on the head. Good girl. Our team was pretty good. Fuck those bitches up. I played defense though, so I wasn't really a part of it. I had a buddy of mine that played lacrosse in high school and I remember he was telling me I was crazy to. And I was like, what's to stop someone from hitting you with those sticks? You guys are running into each other, man. I'm like, don't kid yourself.

I'm like, you're doing something violent. You're just doing something violent under this weird pretend thing. Yeah, under pretend civility. Boys get pads and helmets and girls do not. What the fuck is that all about? Because girls aren't supposed to. I mean, it's a physical sport, but boys, it's like football with sticks. Did you just pick it up like a baseball bat and crack this chick in the head?

So if you put it over your head and come down, that's not okay? Right. My nickname was, I think it was like, oh, butcher. Because my coach was like, you hold your stick and you come down so hard. Because you know what? It comes out on the field and women are not allowed to be aggressive it's a thing where it's like on sports day like you know wear a skirt be ladies represent and you got dudes just running around ripping people's heads off raping villages and one girl

takes her shirt off at a world cup game megan rapinoe does something it's like whoa scandalous well i just got back from the ufc there's three women fights this weekend that's like whoa scandalous well I just got back from the UFC there was three women fights this weekend that's a different thing pretty intense and that's okay but for other sports it's always expected that women

conduct yourselves like ladies right and I'm like that's not what it's sport it has nothing to do

with the real world it has to do with trying to win but it also has I mean you violated the rules I broke the rules because otherwise

if everybody was just swinging at each other, it would be a totally different sport. I was not great. And I own that. What did you do? Did you just swing it over your head? I probably just came down. Like a hammer? Yeah, like if you have too much, like, torque built up.

Like I had, and I hit, and you're not supposed to. You hit her on the head? You can give a tap to get the ball out of the thing. I didn't hit her on the head i think i i probably hit her stick so hard i don't remember my friend was telling me people get concussions high school was only like two years ago i'm like how many people you know even getting concussions from lacrosse it was like a lot and i was like bro you're in a violent sport it's a violent it's a fucking violent sport and it's oddly not a professional sport because i I think it would be an exciting professional sport. It's a professional sport.

But it's not. It's not a widely received one. You're not going to make any money playing lacrosse. It's like bowling. Right. It's not. But they do have it. I have a friend that plays professionally and I don't know who's watching it, but they do it.

Right. But wouldn't you think that it would be like hockey? Or like rugby. Yeah. Rugby should be our football. That's what I think. I think it would be better for the athletes. Less concussions.

They had less concussions back when they were playing with those little leather helmets and little tiny pads. Because you just couldn't do what these guys are doing. You're just smashing into your head as a battering ram. Gigantic super athletes in their prime running at preposterous speeds with indescribable power. Yeah. Those guys are so fucking strong. When you're around a real professional

football player, you're like, Jesus Christ. Huge. They look like Brandon Schaub. Plus, right? You know when you're around Schaub, how fucking big he is? Imagine him plus 60, 70 pounds. That's these guys. I get it, Joe. I've seen football players. They're so big, it doesn't make sense.

And they're running at each other Full clip It's terrifying It's terrifying And it's So bad for your fucking brain That being said I would like to go to a Rams game Yeah

I'd like to see the new stadium Yeah I'd like to go And learn one of them big Bulletproof hamster wheels You know And play? So nobody could see me No so

I want you to sit in a skybox? Because people fight What are you talking about? Football games Are we talking about two different things? Rams? What are you talking about? Football

You go in the audience But be in like a bulletproof box Why don't you just sit in a skybox? It is bulletproof That's true And you can afford it Then you're not down with the people You gotta get down with the people

Is that what you want? To be with the proletariat? Well with a Raiders game That's how I'd watch a Raiders game Oh boy In a bulletproof box. Yeah. A stab proof.

How do Raiders games have boxes on the field? Bulletproof boxes? I don't know about bulletproof, but... It's just a plexiglass box. When you said Ramble, honestly, I was thinking Raiders. But the Raiders game, the Raiders are going to Vegas now, right?

It's going to be more violent. Yeah, because there's no loyalty. It's just people coming and getting fucked up and being like, Raiders. That's a weird sport Or a weird team right Because the Raiders Are synonymous with thugs

Yes It's like one of the only sports Or one of the only teams Where the audience Is synonymous with thugs I always think of Frasier Smith's joke What was it?

It's about how There's all these thugs At Knox Ferry Farm And it's just like Some teenager that's like, Boo! Raiders, bitch! And I always think of that like some kid in a sheet just scaring you and yelling Raiders. That's hilarious.

But I think having a transient audience for a home team is kind of a thing. Of course, people live in Las Vegas, but by and large, it will be a tourist attraction. Because it's also in the fall and winter so it's a not sweltering time of year to go to las vegas and i don't know it'll be interesting to see like hometown pride and what that fan looks like when you're in a city where everybody's always coming in i don't believe it's real i don't think i mean vegas is a real town there are real locals there but i don't think there's enough to show like hometown pride especially for something like the raiders the raiders

fucking la they're from la and then they're from oakland and now they're here in vegas but they're not from vegas and i don't think the rams i mean to me i don't really even know anyone that watches football and it's uh it's weird that we're getting a football team yeah i wonder what would happen if players were not allowed to switch teams what like it's just like a sentence like you take the oath you're like larry bird you're in the fucking celtics for life you know like there's back when i was a kid i didn't watch sports but i remember like players were on teams like michael jordan was on the fucking chicago bulls right yeah i that was how it was with the Cowboys growing up.

Whether you watched it or not, it was a part of your life. And all those guys are forever synonymous. Like Deion Sanders, primetime 21, baby. Yep. That's the Dallas Cowboys. And I remember there was a DJ who passed away. His name was Kid Craddock, and he was the Kiss FM DJ in the morning. That guy passed away?

Passed away, and it was super sad. A year ago, two years ago. What happened? Heart attack. But I remember he would always, this is not that funny, but he would always say, I'm from Dallas, Texas where the Cowboys play. And I would say that for years because I thought that was like a cool source of pride because it's America's team.

And then I realized all that did was open up the conversation to someone being like, whoa, Cowboys. And I don't have the information to back it up. Right. And I don't want to have that conversation. Right. You'd have a debate about the cowboys versus blank. Like saying I'm for years on stage at like a shitty club, I'd be like, I'm from Dallas.

And you'd always get a guy like, no, fuck the cowboys. I'm like, cool, dude. Not attached to it. Right. Like this is not going to be how this hour goes. But yeah, no real, but it is a part of your upbringing. Sports dudes love to get angry. There's something about sports radio and sports broadcasting.

They love to get shitty about athletes. That guy's a pussy. He can't fucking play. I was in Montreal last week and I was just sitting in a cafe and I was just listening to these two French Canadian guys go in on just shitting on other parts of Canada, other cities. And the stuff he was, it was savage. Like, they eat their own in Canada. And it was just shitting on the leaves and shitting on Winnipeg. Oh, it's a city of degenerates.

That's why they lock it down at 10. Like, just losing it. And then I tweeted, I Instagrammed about it, and then the rest of the Canadians weighed in on how much they hate French Canada. And it became a thing. And I'm like, none of us watch hockey. Well, French Canada is a different Canada. It's a different thing.

That's great. I love it up there. I love Quebec. But they want to secede. They've wanted to secede since I've been going up there since the 90s. Yeah, people get froggy when it comes to the Brexit thing. But nobody, even Brexit, England's not pumped about that. Northern California wants to secede.

Well, Brexit is so weird because Brexit is, you know, they're part of the European Union. It's almost like Texas leaving the United States. My whole thing is, whatever, I understand the reasons wanting that. The second somebody tries to invade, like, you don't have your own militia. You don't have an army. Well, this whole European Union thing is very new, though. It hasn't been going on that long. Because you cannot just easily, when you're in England, you've you gotta go through the whole thing when you're going to another country

and it used to just be such a chill thing and now it's a little bit of a nightmare i haven't done it i haven't done it i haven't traveled to england since the whole brexit thing has been going on i did i went through touring and it should have just been like just hop on a plane to go to your other countries now you gotta go through customs you're just stuck in customs hoping someone comes for you i don't know enough about the arguments pro and con to comment on it honestly well and it truly doesn't matter because we don't have a vote in it but i know the dude looks like a british version of donald trump yeah he looks like they're he's got fucked up yellow hair the whole deal it literally looks like their version of trump like a wonkier if it's possible a younger version wonkier, if it's possible, version. A younger, wonkier Trump.

A hotter. He's a little hotter. A little bit. They say America sneezes, the rest of the world catches a cold. Oh, interesting. You know, like we do something, people will start to. Imagine if dudes with fucked up blonde hair just start taking over the world. I feel like that was Hitler's vision.

Like, I feel like that's where they were headed. That was, right? Right? What was crazy was like Hitler didn't look like that's where they were headed. That was, right? Right? What was crazy was Hitler didn't look like that. Brown hair. I think he even had a Jewish grandma. Brown eyes. Every Jew knows this.

He had a Jewish grandma? I think it's something like that. Look at that guy. Come on. What in the fuck? He looks like Harry from Dumb and Dumber. I take it away. He's not hotter.

He's just younger. When Trump was younger, he was way hotter than that dude. No, that guy's terrible. Terrible looking. Yeah. Saw a lot of trump supporters this weekend it's colby covington was fighting the ufc and he's a big trump supporter you know i gotta say this this is not pro trump but this is pro your own rights we have this thing in

california i said something i was in a writer's room and i said something about someone who i knew that voted for my family that voted for Donald Trump. And they were, they, someone was like, someone in your family voted for Donald Trump. Do you still speak to them? And I was like, don't get hyphy with me. This idea that you can't,

I understand he represents all these horrible things, but we have to be able to have conversations in this country and on both sides and other liberals at times. And I say this as a person who's fairly liberal it's terrifying yeah just attacking your own allies and creating no space for a conversation well liberals used to be when i was a kid and my parents are hippies and we lived in san francisco when i was a little kid and so i always thought of liberals as being the people that were like open-minded you know uh not wanting to silence people letting people speak they're all about people just being whoever who they are and not not trying to enforce like rigid patterns of behavior and thought on people but that's not the case now because they think they're

doing the right thing because they think they're combating something that's awful and aggressive and regressive you know that's something that is they feel like the country that they know and love is slipping away so but so do the conservatives so does everyone but the response to it is not the right way to go about it the response to it is to show a great example of what your your ideology represents by being a good person by being open minded by being kind instead people are being being kind. Instead, people are being super, super shitty. There's so many super, super shitty people that think they're doing the right thing because they're progressive and they want good things.

They want gay rights and they want racial equality and they want people to be able to make more money and they want people to be happy and healthy. But it doesn't mean attacking anyone who from the get-go doesn't agree with you because, by the way you if you and i disagree and you calmly want to have a conversation with me i am very open to having my mind change of course i want to be on the right side and i want to do the best thing if you yell at me and you call me stupid you call me all and you're attacking me and you're on the defense from the get-go you're on the offense from the get-go but just

as a person with pride you're going to want to be like you know what i don't want to hear it and fuck you because you represent now all the good intentions like you're the representative of all that and i don't like you yeah so you are um you're an ambassador for your cause when you speak i'm really into the environment and plastic and stuff like that and I am very specific about how and when I post about things because you don't want people to get activism fatigue and you don't want to be the person who posts about everything because then no one will listen to anything right and you don't want to call people out specifically because just because somebody carried a plastic bottle that day doesn't mean they don't drive a hybrid you don't know what people are doing right you see Chris

practice Shane that's literally what I'm thinking of and while i love that he did that part of me is like that's a little holier than thou shamed him jason momo is so fucking hot so hot he's hot but we we're so especially online we're so quick to be like you're not doing it right we do it with feminism too and you have no idea right the pious good life that person is leading and you're judging them on a snapshot on which you don't want to be judged on well they We do it with feminism too. And you have no idea the pious good life that person is leading and you're judging them on a snapshot on which you don't want to be judged on. Well, they want to judge people. The thing is about it's a lot of what this is about people that are on the fringes.

The ideas are great, right? But the people that want attention for espousing these great ideas oftentimes are the fringe. So the far left and the far right, a lot of what it is, it's just people that are ultra-aggressive about enforcing their ideology and then they're really shitty and they want other people to comply. And so you get these people that represent the right and these people that represent the left. But a lot of the ideas of the right and the left,

there's nothing wrong with being fiscally conservative. There's nothing wrong with being fiscally conservative. There's nothing wrong with being socially liberal. Which is what a true Republican is. Right. And you want less government in your money. There's room in there for conversation. But when you go far right and then you go far left, then there's no room. And when you start vilifying people.

Those are the fringe people. Yeah. From the get-go. And when you start expecting people, Owen Benjamin, who is just basically is like in a tinfoil hat somewhere and like living off the grid. He offended a lot of people, right? You're staring at me. Yeah, no, most of you. And he said a bunch of stuff about trans stuff.

And I remember there was this girl that I was friends with on social media. Didn't know her, but just followed her because i liked her writing that's it and she dms me one day and she's like she's like oh and benjamin like how could you be like maybe i i don't know if i'd interacted with him on twitter i'm never on twitter because i think it's a toxic fuckhole uh and she was like she's getting mad at me and i go what are you talking about she was like he said all this stuff that's anti-trans and i hadn't heard anything but let me let me say what he said. Okay. And here's the thing. He went off into a spiral, right?

But I agree with what he said. What he said was there was someone that he knew, someone who works in Hollywood, that had a three-year-old that they were turning trans. Right. And he said that that was child abuse. That was what led to his crazy situation. I don't disagree with that. Totally. No, I agree with it 100%.

I don't disagree with that. Yeah, I agree with him 100%. You wouldn't let that child decide what it's eating. Right. So that's very powerful. Someone had a great joke. I always say this. I wish I could remember who it was.

They said, you don't let a kid pick their outfit. Why the fuck would you let them pick their gender for the rest of their life? Sounds just like the joke I just made. Yeah it's somebody did it already right i'm not gonna do the joke uh but so that aside and the spiral aside which i didn't even yeah participate like it's whatever like those are your choices that's what you're saying i had known but this is the thing that cost him dearly his agency left him and then comedy clubs banned him for that that was the beginning he just steered into that skid well that's but that's what started the skid right what started the skid

there was something else about like he called someone who had written a look this that's not the point of what i was saying went south afterwards you have to manage those things my point was i knew none of this so i'm just like going to brunch one day and this person starts attacking me offline. How can you be friends with him? And I go, whoa, what are you talking about? She's like, he's saying all these horrible things. And I-

She's attacking you in person? She's in my like direct message. Oh. And this is my only point is I said, I've known Owen most of my career. Let me go read what you're talking about. And she was angry at me for wanting to gather information. This person is a trans writer who I literally until that moment didn't know was trans because

I was just a fan based on merit. Like I just liked the writing. And I said, how dare you? Shame on you. As a journalist, you should applaud that I go and collect my facts. They want compliance, like immediate instantaneous compliance. And I said, I'm an ally and I'm pro-trans and I'm pro-gay rights but you do not get to bark at me on a Sunday morning when I have no idea what we're talking about and get mad at me.

I don't trust anyone who says they're an ally about anything. I'm a total ally. But you say that if you say I'm an ally. I'm an ally. You think I'm anti-trans. I'm not buying it. I vote. Kate's Mrs. Doubtfire. That's a little of an ally she is. Just the term ally is gross.

It's okay when other people use it. Like, he's an ally. That guy's an ally. She's an ally. I get that. That's a good way to use it. But when you say, I'm an ally, I'm like, meh. Okay.

Not buying it. Well, I'm pro-trans. Good for you. And I blocked that person. I was like, you don't get to bark at me and tell me for any cause. Yeah. Too many fucking people live on Twitter. It's not good.

It's not healthy, folks. I don't have it on my phone. You're supposed to talk to people. Twitter has become like a subway bathroom wall. Like people just write. Michelle Wolf told me the exact same thing last week. She doesn't have it on her phone. Because you're just screaming into a void and all it does is just nets negativity.

So they're just waiting for you to fuck up. By the way, anybody who's ever said anything awful to me on twitter who i've seen in person they say nothing and i'm you know i'm well that's the only way people should talk is face to face yeah louis ck said that to me we're talking about this and he said it's just talk but it's written down so people think it's like more than it is well because people but people would say these kind of things and you would go ah you get likes and retweets which are basically pitchforks but like if you said something like uh if you said something about someone like you said something about burt or something like that you know and he said it online like fucking burt should know a lot about getting drunk in russia if he if he read that it sounds so bad it's like what the fuck

well because there's no inflection Right but if Right but if you just Said it to me We're hanging out And then you saw Burton hugged him I wouldn't think

You're a hypocrite Right right right Right So it's like What Louis was saying It's just talk But it's But it's written

It's talk without nuance Or inflection Because not everyone Has mastered grammar Or punctuation Right it's worse Especially for us Because we say things

We talk shit You know like even now you and i are agreeing on everything and i'm like i'm gonna face a firing squad of betas when i get on my instagram later be like and rogan with him and not you listen there's a certain percentage of people that are going to attack every woman who comes on the show for sure that just happens but it happens almost always i brave it jesse may jesse may got like super positive oh she's doing it better than you i don't know what's up oh oh sick burn now she's the only one that i've had on but maybe how do you know because she told me do you check

maybe she's just like a half glass half full kind of girl maybe she's just high all the time i don't know i don't know anything she's high all the time oh full kind of girl. Maybe she's just high all the time. I don't know. I don't know anything. She's high all the time. Oh. Yeah. I am not. I know it's not cool. I am not a pot smoker. Yeah.

Want to try it? Nope. I mean, I've tried pot. My brother grows. Elon Musk moment. Oh, man. I didn't think he looked as weird as everybody thought. Oh, he's weird.

Because he was trying to hold it in or whatever. Do you know that my brother has a marijuana farm? that's what my brother does where northern california and he does it like he's got a gun like he grows his plants we're not a farming people but he that's what he does it's a great way to make a living right now makes his living and uh i am just not i would like to like it because it seems like a... What's wrong with it to you? I just think... You're going to be hot boxed in about 10 minutes. I thought that wasn't a real thing.

It's a real thing. I've got places to go. I've got people to see. You'll be more jovial. I have an outline due. I'm good. More community oriented later that day. I think it makes me...

People are always like, No, this is Indica in the couch and this is the tiva open your mind and i always feel like it makes me think about death and i feel uncomfortable and my mind just starts racing yeah me too but i don't want that because i already think about death i'm already uncomfortable it gives look i think i need humility in every form, but it is an excellent form of humility to me. It helps me. It helps me be more humble. It helps me be nicer to people.

No, it does. You are nice. I am nice. So what do you mean? The reason why I'm nice is because I'm a pothead. It's made me a nicer person. I've always been nice, but I have less not nice in me than I ever did before. I think that just comes with age.

Maybe too, for sure you're very old yes very ancient no barely alive uh i'm halfway dead for sure unless everything goes amazing i prefer what is that oh that's a bug that's from my friend maynard he sent me that from his farm we were talking about one of these fucking things like a black jacket no that is that gigantic monster is a tarantula hawk that is a great name oh fuck that's like something out of a bestiary they kill tarantulas they sting the fuck out of them lay their eggs in their body those are monsters they're so big it's like a little bird so he was explaining it to me and describing how fucking big it was and then he sent me one a dead one

from his place pretty cool i don't think it's dead i think it's waiting that's maynard from tools bug that's fucking sick the weed cloud in the room it's floating over her side of the room yeah it's trying marijuana's trying to talk to you it's like eliza we have creativity for you and you get it everywhere it's at all the shows they give you and i just you don't have to i don't you don't have to you just no need no need to do you do anything like No need to Do you do anything Like do you meditate Do you do anything

To try to alter your state I do a lot of Deep thinking I'm not as good at meditating As I would like But I'm very self reflective That's good And I

I do a lot of Reading Do you feel like women That are confident Get kind of like More heat Like men that are confident don't really get that much heat from women right it's almost like expected but women that are confident get

hate like when i if if i did a woman's podcast right and like a women's podcast or a woman's podcast a woman's like yours a girl like i did your podcast i don't get hate would you from women sure i do podcasts i did it before uh no i don't get well i wouldn't get hate from women. Sure, I do. I did it before. I wouldn't get hate from women, but I think sometimes guys' podcasts, they want to hear you talk about guy shit. I talk about football for at least five minutes, and I have my own. You talked about how you were violent as a lacrosse player. So are you rock hard or what, America? What? I think it's not something that I think about a ton because people are always like, oh, you're so confident.

It's not like I took a pill to become that way. I just always operated just the way I was supposed to. Some people like you. Some people don't. But I think people get insecure. And I think insecurity for men and women manifests itself in very ugly ways. Whether it's women hating other women for being more attractive whether it's you didn't get laid so now you're gonna go shoot up a group of people

yeah and insecurity i talk about this in my book is just such a personal ugly thing and people it's you are constantly putting it on others it used to be that a girl could have a hot body and there was zero consequences nope it never was that. It was never that. Other girls didn't like it, but there wasn't like publicly espoused consequences. We didn't have social media. Right. Oh, definitely there was. Hot girls are always called sluts.

Right. Always and forever. Or gold diggers or something like that. Salem Witch Trial, all them had hot bodies. Oh, yeah, but that wasn't real. Do you know what that was about, the Salem Witch Trial? It was about ergot They had a late frost

And the late frost Caused fungus To grow on their wheat And they thought it was That fungus Contains lysergic acid Which is Very similar to LSD

So while these fucking people Were eating their bread And using their wheat And flour They were getting acid poisoned So they were thinking That everyone was witches And it was always Probably men That couldn't get laid And now were thinking that everyone was witches and it was

always probably men that couldn't get laid and now you're talking about in america because it was different salem witch trials that very particular thing but what came before that let's check to make sure that i'm that this hasn't been debunked well i can tell you about what came before that in the witch seeking out of witches in europe um it was this widespread thing of course to spread christianity but they'd have witch committees like go from town to town to find people because everybody needs like a scapegoat and then they'd check you for marks and of course a mark could just be a birthmark and then there's trial by fire trial by floating you know they used to tie women down and weigh them down with rocks and if

they drowned they weren't a rich witch but if they survived then they knew they were witches right you're fucked either way. I listen to Aaron Manke's podcast, Lore, and he talks about this stuff all the time. And he talks about trial. What is it called? Lore. L-O-R-E? It's awesome.

Like about folklore? All different kinds. And he talks about the different trials. So, you know, and it's all stuff like that where like you're kind of damned if you do, damned if you don't, regardless. Like if we set you on fire and if you scar, then you're not a righteous man. And if you die, you were righteous. Whoops-a-daisy. So this is a thing.

What was the point? Oh, witches had hot bodies. You're talking about the women having good bodies. No, what I was talking about is that women, when they go on a man's podcast a lot of times, they get women or men rather will hate on them. Oh, I was going gonna say that women have uh like today women your body shaming or you're showing an unrealistic body type and you're feeding into unrealistic body expectations i've seen that a lot saying that to another woman yeah

yeah there was an ad that was pulled in england in the uk because uh it was like a gym ad and this girl was in a bikini she had a hot body i forget what it was for i think it was like a gym ad. And this girl was in a bikini. She had a hot body. I forget what it was for. I think it was a gym. Something like that. Maybe sunscreen or some shit. But this girl had a hot body. And they made them pull the ad because it was promoting unrealistic body expectations.

What isn't? Well, here's the thing. It's like it's a girl. She's a real person. It's not unrealistic. You can do it. You can get really fat, too. There it is.

Are you beach body ready? And see, to me, that's maybe in England that's unrealistic. But in LA, that's just normal. That is not unrealistic. It's not unrealistic you could do it you can get really fat too there it is are you beach body ready to me that's maybe in england that's unrealistic but in la that's just normal that is not unrealistic it's not unrealistic no it's just here's my thing here's my thing it's a hot girl let's say that's her body okay um i do think we have a problem in our society like my boobs are real and because they're big my whole life um i mean my adult life people are like are those tits real and they can't believe that and i'm like someone's got to have real tits for you to ask if they're real yeah they're real some some big ones are real and it's offensive but it's also like people are just it's almost like we're so fed all of this fake stuff that when someone actually has it like

my eyelashes are real and they're long and people are always like those got to be fake i'm like someone had to have had real eyelashes in the first place to measure other eyelashes against so when someone's big or strong we always assume that they're faking it because sometimes our noses are fake right but some girls go crazy with the eyelashes they've got spiders growing on their heads but my other thing is like i can judge that girl silently i don't have to say it to her face like you don't have to be a piece of shit about it right well that's the thing about social media is you can just attack that girl i don't want to be high and i feel like i'm high now you're definitely not high i feel so high do you

i don't know i've been playing with this cord too long you might be again paranoid i'm a little sweaty really my mami's because he got stupid finally me too yeah yeah because the heat got kicked in. Me too. Yeah? Oh, the heat's on. The H is on. Yeah, it was cold in here when we first got in here. I find though

It was like 59 degrees. I think it's just your body heating the room. I come on your podcast because I genuinely enjoy your interaction and I do think you have a really smart, cool audience

of most of the people that think like you. I think as a woman or just as a person, anytime you open your mouth or leave the house, there's going to be people like you, people who don't. So you just don't focus on the ones that don't because I have found when someone doesn't like me, it typically has nothing to do with actually me.

Well, there's a thing that people do when someone's very opinionated where you want to, for some reason, combat their opinions. I've seen people do it even the things that they don't necessarily disagree with yeah they just become a contrarian just to like to fuck but that's what i'm saying it has nothing to do with what i said it's something in you that you're bothered by and i really try in being autodidactic and i'm being self-reflective

when i don't like someone i really try to examine what it is and sometimes it comes down i'm like maybe i'm just jealous. I'm just jealous. You use autodidactic. Don't be jealous. You just did it really, really well. Snuck it in there without anybody.

But a lot of time it is jealousy versus, Oh, I really hate their stance. It's that, but sometimes it's also, there's an incorrect way of thinking about people. Like when someone's confident or someone's brash for whatever reason like we get competitive i'm like fuck that guy why is that guy such a dick yes instead of

getting like oh what do i care as long as he's not being shitty to me to you i don't care think about it that upsets people because deep down you're reminded that you're not that and those are all the things you want to be sure he's confident oh he's strong oh he's good looking oh i've seen that with men yeah oh yeah for sure i i i was all the time uh if there's like an attractive guy you know they'll be like oh isn't he pretty short and it's like maybe he is but does that help you if a guy's short do you feel better now you know well they do that's the only way they do yeah but it's not real see the thing is when you shit on someone unless you're being funny if you're being funny i'm all for you but if when you're when you're just being mean about someone like some football

player like he's a fucking pussy he keeps dropping the ball like is he really like could you do that job come on man with a freight train coming at you fucking pussy he's just not as good as at football as some of the best people well and it and it so takes away from, I'll use feminism for example, when I do have a genuine criticism of someone, you're so rarely, I talk about this in my special, but you're so rarely allowed to voice it because it's like, well, you're just jealous. I'm like, or I am in fact doing the correct feminist thing

and judging her on merit of what she has done, and I dislike it. And it has nothing to do with her being beautiful. I think there's obviously issues that women need more equality in in this country. I think the issue with the concept of being a masculinist or even the concept of being a feminist is that everyone automatically thinks you care about that more than you care about general humanity. Right. Because you're isolating gender.

You're saying I'm a feminist. I'm a woman. I support women. I support women's rights and women's values. And I support feminism, empowering women. When people hear that, they go, okay, you like women more than men. It might not be that. What it is, is I support the idea that we could be treated equally.

Because men, and I love men. I love breaking balls with male comics i married a dude i have made out with some hot dudes congratulations again i am actually a gigantic frat boy trapped in a feminist body uh but that all we're vying for is just to be treated equally and not be made to feel horrific that's it i'm not asking for a special treatment no i get it i have zero problem with any of it of course not but i my my thought on why people react so strongly to it i do it it's not a good but i can i get you don't have to trust you it's an affidavit sign it it's signing away your life rights but i think that like when people hear it like they kind of have

that feeling like oh she's one of those oh she's a man-hater it's like it's a risk it's almost like the word is so heavy so heavy that it doesn't necessarily accurately portray the intent well it's so fraught with historical weight yeah and i do think that's changing but i also believe i it's a word i'd never used until like three years ago and i picked it because I was like well this sort of applies I don't read feminist writings I don't the idea that as a woman you're constantly being preached to by other women like preaching to the choir right what it is is I think on a granular level I enjoy having conversations and most men I know are like they're not these oppressive horrible people and we always look to the extreme left or right to prove our point.

When in actuality, there's a whole population of people who think and feel just like you. And the key is finding those people and communing with them. Well, you've always been very pro-male. You've never had a problem with men. But you're also confident and ambitious. And when you're both of those things, and people hear the word feminist, they go, oh, she's one of those like she's going to be annoying but you're not no but there's that thing and it goes back to what we're talking about earlier it's the fringes yeah that's what i'm saying it's not like all men but by the way fucking men that want to sue you because they can't come in that's

actually more of a guy who's just trying to sue people but like yes like okay straight pride parade we were talking about this in the phone straight pride parade guys right like that kind of shit the worst those guys but like just the idea of having that people that say all men like the kind of feminists that say all men i'm like you're part of the problem yeah because that's just as bad as some guys saying all women are sluts right you are just as bad for marginalizing anyone i was hearing this woman talk about sex and she was like women want this and women want she was on a podcast women want this and women want you to slow down and women want you to be gentle i'm like no no no no some women some women do i mean i don't some women want to get ravaged look you're talking to a girl who

speaks in generalizations for a living like women do this but because by and large you know for jokes for sure and by and large most you know these things this but because by and large you know jokes for sure and by and large most you know these things are right because these it's you've proved it over years and years but i also like sex podcasts are like so not my thing well it's just so crazy to speak for all women it's like trying to speak for all men so if i said men like to be ball gagged men like to be kicked in the balls men like to be tied up and pissed on. Men like to sell you their shit. They want you to shit in Tupperware and send it to them. Well, that's true.

Some men like that. That's real. Well, let me ask you a question. Okay. Does that get into that territory where now you're on stage and you have to start saying, some, not all, speaking for me, personally, I know for me. Well, we have this thing where we don We don't look at things Granularly And we're like

Well they said all So they must mean all And fuck them Well for me it's been I am high A little bit of a I swear it got in my brain You're gonna be fine

Joe Who's your buddy Joe Rogan Yeah Don't worry about it We're gonna be fine I have a dog It's outside

It's a cute dog I keep remembering I have a dog now She's very sweet You wanna talk about her The little situation Sure It's crazy.

This little girl was on her way to China. No, no. She's from China. Yeah, well. They don't import the meat. They were going to eat her. They were going to eat her. She has a scar around her nose where her mouth was bound.

Like it's all around. It's very sad. I noticed it yesterday. I thought she just, because she's a white dog, I thought she had like tear marks. And then I noticed it went all the way around. And then, but I also realized that she lets me kiss her on the mouth so she's not weird about that i got her less than 24 hours ago yeah i was i make candy every year for the comedy store christmas party i make it for all the employees and it's actually a really difficult thing to hand out

because out of uniform i can't remember who works on who doesn't like you know a couple waitresses i remember last year i had my bag of candy it's his homemade sponge candy and i went up to this girl and i just said do you work here meaning if you do i'm going to give you candy right it was as if i had set her mother on fire she goes no sweetie i'm a comic and i was like i just walked away but it's like but are you because i don't know who the fuck you are but also like don't be a bitch yeah well just say, just say no. Just say no. I was just trying to suss out. Right.

You work there. Yeah. So I brought this candy. I do it every year. And I'm home yesterday. I asked my husband to get sugar. And we didn't have, we had like half a thing of sugar because he accidentally used all of it making something, whatever.

So I. He is a chef. He knows what he's doing. We had a holiday party. But he, you know, when you say he accidentally used it, you're saying it like he's inept. Well, he didn't, no. No, he didn't realize he had used so much in making this cranberry thing. And he said, I thought I had left you more, but I needed more.

So I called a friend. I said, can I have some of your sugar? She's like, why don't you just go to the store at the bottom of the hill and get it? And then you found a dog. Well, I go there and there are these two, what are they? Beagles. And they were for adoption. And I really want a dog.

And there was a giant husky that was like your size and i was like maybe i'll have a husky it was too big and i'm starting to like convince myself like maybe i have a beagle and the lady was chinese she was like we have more dogs in the car she opened up the car and there was like seven cute little white dogs and i picked up this one and i just started crying my dog died while i was on tour in japan i never got to say goodbye to blanche and i'm just crying and i'm holding this dog and she's died while i was on tour in japan i never got to say goodbye to blanche and i'm just crying and i'm holding this dog and she's white and i was there to buy sugar and it like i do the girl thing where i'm like and she's white and it's sugar and she's sugar and it's

cosmic cut to me just putting 300 in a cardboard box with no receipt no paperwork i gave this chinese lady my phone number and i have a dog dog now. Her name is Tofu. So this lady goes to China and brings him back? Yep. Wow, that's heavy. And they were all scheduled. It's a good move to go by Laurel Canyon. You know, you think that's so many fucking L.A. people that love dogs are in that area. So many people.

And it must work because she wouldn't set up shop there. L.A. is a good spot for dogs. You could have dogs here. You know, like everybody has a fucking dog. You know what's really weirdlyly not a dog friendly city Is New York Yeah Well it sucks

I mean unless you live Right next to Central Park I mean to have a dog there Yeah yeah yeah If you're in a fucking apartment You're in a seven floor walk up And your dog's gotta take a shit Jesus Christ

You gotta walk down Seven flights of stairs Uh huh In the snow Take this fucking dog out Yeah And then the dog's like sniffing Like hey fuck face

Take your shit already And there's so much garbage Yeah My dog one time found all the pieces to a full thanksgiving dinner on the streets there's so much garbage new york gets gets weird and then you have to pick the shit up too you know i saw there was a bunch of people in brooklyn that got mad because they have this uh they have these trees and then they have the trees sort of fenced in and then people were taking their dog putting it over the fence letting the dog shit and then they have the trees sort of fenced in. And then people were taking their dog, putting it over the fence, letting the dog shit, and then picking it up. They were putting signs up there.

They took pictures of these people and put signs up and like, this is not a toilet. Meanwhile, all of them throw their cigarette butts in the street. A lot of them do, right? I lived in Brooklyn for seven weeks this year because I was shooting my show and I was appalled. You think of New Yorkers as this intelligent race and they're all just throwing. Cigarette smokers almost universally do that. It's weird. I just went on a rant about this recently.

Where do you think that's going? Think about it. My friend John, actually, I confront him about that. He's like, oh, somebody gets paid to pick that up. Nope. I did it to a comedy store worker the other day. He threw it. I go, what are you doing?

You be better. And he picked it up. You have to shame someone so that they remember. People I love and respect do that in the back parking lot of the comedy store. I'm like, what are you doing you'd be better and he picked it up you have to shame someone so that they remember people i love and respect do that in the back parking lot of the comedy store i'm like what are you doing man you're littering you gotta say something i don't think of it as littering there's something weird but like but think of it right think of it why do you think they don't think of it as littering because it's always been done and they think someone's sweeping it up it's not only are these carcasses going in our oceans and in our fish these could set fires it's just overall health and also don't be a piece of shit don't throw things on the ground yeah not even food like we all think you throw an apple core out it's okay

it isn't that attracts animals it doesn't like it's parts where it shouldn't be like on a road driving by a wooded area throw in the fucking wooded area but people just throw trash out nobody considers realize that like this is your community and this is your home yeah and it i won't even drink out of plastic yeah the cigarette thing is one of the weirder ones because i i always felt like maybe it's because they're they're treating themselves like shit yeah here's a question you're driving down the road with your window open smoking a cigarette so you know that the smoke needs to you know the smoke is bad because you're letting it escape. Why not just roll up your window and smoke it in your fucking car and kill yourself quietly?

Why do you have to have it open? Or smokers that stand in the doorway? I'm like, it's not any warmer near the doorway if you're smoking outside. You're just making it so that we all have to smell like cigarettes leaving the building. Yeah, they don't give a fuck about that smell. That smells weird. Because the smell of pipes is actually nice tobacco's yeah yeah like someone has a night like the smell of cigars i like the smell of cigars it smells good to me the smell of cigarettes is always shitty and it's i don't know why we can't

put perfume doesn't last cigarette smoke lasts four days and i don't wear it i want that in a perfume clothes it gets in your clothes like nothing else what have you yeah isn't there like something pretty you could burn just like wave it around your body some sage type deal to do what to get a good smell like instead of perfume yeah just wave it over your cooter put on your feet so my vagina burns just no no no like get smoke everywhere oh what if you did poopery that stuff that you spray what if you did that on your body and then walk through a cigarette would it deflect who would win who would win the bad smell the good smell who will represent us in a science off i'm walked by this lady the other day i had to stop because i was tying my shoe and this lady

her perfume was so strong i literally wanted to stop tying my shoe and move away from her. You know, some people just go ham with the perfume. Like, I know that's not what you smell like. I find it more often is with cologne. Oh, yeah. And I'm just like this. Oh, it's gross. It is gross because it triggers something. You're like, this feels cheap.

This feels like I'm 20 in a shitty bar. Yeah, when I see a dude doing a cologne commercial, I'm always like, do you wear that stuff, man? No. Hey, Brad Pitt, you really wearing cologne? He doesn't have to. Does he do cologne commercial i'm always like do you wear that stuff man no hey brad pitt you really wearing cologne he doesn't have to does he do cologne commercials probably in like japan probably does right yeah yeah julia roberts has that one that's a weird european one where she's got her hands tied to like marionette strings but that was a thing back in the day the actual tv of dami pulls it's on the outside or right in front of you over here too but the weird thing is back

in the day like actors would never do commercials. Because if you did a commercial, we all knew, even people that were non-actors. They meant the end. Yeah, there was something wrong. Something was going wrong. So they go over somewhere. Right. I mean, wouldn't you?

Here's a million dollars. Just say that you like this beverage. Fuck it. No one's going to see it. Fuck it. Now everyone sees everything. Yeah. But back in the day, like, we'd find out that like oh julia roberts does big time commercials

in japan you'd be like what here's the thing there will be no day of reckoning like i always think about this with acting you make a shitty movie seldom is anyone ever in an interview gonna be like remember that piece of shit you made like you never have to atone in person for a bad film choice because no one would have the balls to shit on you for trying to make money and make a living there he is chanel there you are i remember that commercial that is so preposterous if i was brad's friend i'd play that every time i went over his house i would walk in with a boom box i'd have him if he came over my house he'd be on every television and i would go tell me when he's at the door tell me he's at the door ready go play

that's peak pit right there too look at the hair legends of the fall hair yeah that's it that's the fucking man who lives in the woods hair look at him hey how you doing he's a beautiful man beautiful not as beautiful as jay's momoa oh my god i was on set with this actor named ryan hansen who's in like veronica mars and he's, and we were, he was just, we were talking about like, would you rather, and we were just playing this game and he was like, who's your celebrity pass? I'm like, no one. It will wreck your marriage. But I just said, I thought Jason Momoa was hot.

And he just goes, oh, he would treat you right. But then when the time came, he would fucking lay it down. And I was like, yeah, put that velvet scrunchie on me into it. Okay. So many different kinds of hot. Weird that that dude's describing how another guy's going to fuck you, though. A little weird. It's cool.

It was cool. Okay. We were having lunch. He's just hot. Handsome fella. I mean. Giant guy, too. Really nice guy.

And that scar is from a bar fight. Is it? So manly. Yeah, it's not like painted on. It's legit. He could have lost an eye. Could have. but he didn't yeah he's okay right like uh old frisetta paintings of conan yeah big scar across his

forehead cut into his eyebrows i feel like you would want that like you would want a face scar right uh but i probably kept fighting i definitely would have got one i would have got some if i just kept fighting yeah i don't want a face i've got have got some. If I just kept fighting. Yeah. I don't want a face. I've got a small one. Do you? What happened? An Alaskan Malamute bit me on the face on Thanksgiving. Those are weird ones.

Those Malamutes bite people in the face. I will be honest. I was taunting the dog. I was like eight, and it got its revenge. I hear about German Shepherds biting people in the face, too. I love a German Shepherd, though. Oh, do you? I've never had one, but I respect them.

They're great dogs. Beautiful dogs. Yeah. They're smart and a belgian malinois as well oh those are real smart the movie i just did i had to do like a little half day of training with a malinois for this scene and i had to like hold its collar before i let it go and that dog pulled me yeah they're fucking strong no joke have you ever seen some of the videos where they jump up like these preposterous heights to grab things? Like a vertical... Yeah. Just up.

20 feet straight up in the air. They jump off people's shoulders and straight up in the air. I don't know where they get the propulsion. They're just ridiculously powerful athletic dogs that are designed to attack people. Yeah. That's what my tofu is going to be. Yeah. I mean, they're...

Yeah, I think so. She's got it in her. She's vicious. Yeah. For five pounds, she'll fuck you up but those um malinois and german shepherds they need work one of the things that people do they make a big mistake is they get a dog like that and they don't do anything right that's a working dog like if i had a dog like that i'd take it with me all over the place i would run it every

fucking day i would throw a ball with it you got to give them active things to do it's german it loves precision and productivity well it's a guard dog yeah you know it's it's big look at that look at that dog yeah i mean what in the fuck that dog can fly don't be in the nba and then how about how the dog lands like a cat on this oh it lands on a cushion thing but they know how far it's gonna go like that is a insane amount of athleticism if that was a human i mean that was we're watching a dog combine yeah it's like the hulk that would be like the leaping through the air like the hulk it's always hard for me at the airport when i see like uh like a drug sniffing working dog but it's like a yellow lab i'm like really i can't pet the yellow lab i don't i don't you could ruin the dog

i don't want to ruin the dog and his chances at retirement you could ruin it i'm not going to yeah those drugs drug sniffing dogs make me fucking nervous because i'm like what are they looking for not weed that's the truth but you can only teach a dog to look for one thing you know you can't say hey i want the truth the truth you can't teach a dog hey i want you to look for guns and coke right it. It's like residue. Right. Or. Right. Right. Do you smell gunpowder? Do you smell marijuana?

Like, what do you smell? Like, what do you train? You train the dog to smell heroin. Go find mushrooms. Bring them back. Right. Find them. Find them, you little fuck. Yeah, definitely the heroin, because I think you can make more things out of that.

Well, it's one that kills you. That's one of the reasons why they should look out for heroin. Fentanyl. Fentanyl. If they could smell fentanyl, that would be nice. They can smell fucking anything. But I feel like fentanyl is more local Actually no, I don't know what I'm talking about I feel like with prescription drugs

That's more like it ravages a community And when I think of airplanes I think weight being pushed through from other countries But I don't know I think it's all things, meth It's everything The really fucked up part about it is It's almost like what we were talking about with football. That football would be safer if there was no helmets.

It doesn't make sense. Drugs would be safer if they were regulated. We would all be safer if they were legal. I feel that way about prostitution. Yeah. And I'm going to actually broach this here. I was going to write a joke about it. I'm just going to say it.

I believe a state issued, if you apply for funding for support, if you're going to school, like a loan, or the state's paying for you to go to school, you get a scholarship, you should also be able to apply for a state-issued prostitute. If you are a little socially awkward, maybe you haven't had sex, because men get weird if they haven't been made privy to the way a woman is or they haven't had sex and you're going to college. Let's get you a prostitute. Let's get you having sex twice a week so you're not afraid of women. Let's get you a little less weird. Let's fund a prostitute. Well, I think if it didn't have the social stigma behind it, there's a lot of people that would choose it over working at Wendy's.

Great. There's a lot of people that choose it. As long as it's a choice. The social stigma is that there's something wrong with it, right? Because it's a woman saying, I want to do this with my body. That's what's upsetting. It's sort of that, but it's also, well, in this country, it's also connected to sex slavery. We think of it as like if someone is doing that, then maybe they're a sex slave.

Like maybe there's someone who's. I think that's less on people's radars and it more has to do with the puritanical idea of. There's a little bit of that, but I mean, that was one of the things that they were accusing Robert Kraft of. You remember Robert Kraft? He's the guy who owns the – is it Kraft or Kraft? It's Kraft, right? He's the guy who owned the New England Patriots. He went to a massage parlor and they gave him a happy ending.

And then the next thing you know, they arrested him and told him that there's a video of it. Right. And they were trying to get him to plead guilty and all this different shit that was going on to a guy who's like insanely insanely wealthy who just was going there to get jerked off but one of the things they said was that it was uh that he was participating somehow in sex trafficking and so they were accusing him of that they were that was a big part of what the police were saying well it turned out that none of the girls that worked there were sex traffickers they're just prostitutes and the woman that did it to him she was like 40 years but none of this would have happened if it was legal none of it regulated

but it's also they were using that term to they were accusing him of this thing and using that term like to brand him wait are you telling me me that there was a news story where they used a buzzword? Yes. Yeah, it is a buzzword. Right. But it's a buzzword that's very specific in terms of the difference in the consequences that you would want someone to face, whether they just went there to get jerked off

or they participated in sex slavery. Right, you're not a part of a ring. I mean, you are because the ring ends with you. So because there's a demand for it, there is a supply. So that is by and not a part of a ring i mean you are because the ring ends with you so because there's a demand for it there is a supply so that is by and large a part of the issue um and i say this not knowing a ton about sex slavery but i do know that if you take away the stigma and you can normalize things very quickly weed is a great example right yeah you could do that and even we've done this with women and bodies and the way that we look at people who are overweight and we look at people with different things like we are getting to a place where it's less of a thing i think you could do that with

prostitution i think so too and and it's fine and look at it as like this is her choice and if there if there wasn't an exception exorbitant demand for it wouldn't be a thing yeah it's just you you can't tell people what to do with their bodies any other way except when money's involved that's where i have a problem with it except when taxes are involved yeah but it's it's it's not even that it's it's it's a societal position right if we're going to vote on it most people would vote on no prostitution because they don't want their daughter or their sister their mother to be a prostitute that's that's or or them they don't want to be a prostitute. That's why they would vote on it. But it's the only thing that's completely legal to do.

Not only that, but it's what sells everything. When Brad Pitt is fucking selling cologne, he's selling, I'm a hot man. If you get my cologne, you might get some pussy. I'm looking right at that mouth. Yes. Look at him. He's beautiful. I agree. But that is the thing that is

fucked up about all this. A woman can have sex with as many people as she wants for free. But if she charges, then all of a sudden it's crap. But you can charge for a back rub? What the fuck? You're like, I'm getting off either way. But it just doesn't make any sense. I agree with you. It's silly.

It's restrictive. When it comes to the idea of a woman taking control of her own body, no taxes being paid, and the idea of someone being a whore because of our puritanical roots in this country, all those things combined make it a volatile topic. But at the end of the day, if she's going to make money that's going to go back into your society, that's going to be put to good use, it's going to be taxed, it's going to be in your community, what do you care what she's doing behind closed doors if it's safe and it's regulated just like weed all of a sudden there's standards now there's a way to uh sanitize this yeah i think

so and they did it in australia they did it in nevada yeah and parts of it parts of it um but in australia they have i mean it's full on there you can do whatever you want they have they have brothels but i think it's also one of. You can do whatever you want. They have brothels. But I think it's also one of the things that we're conditioned to have a perspective on. It's similar to the drug issue. Like, I don't want my friends or my daughters or my mother or anyone I know to be a prostitute. So we have this position on it. I also don't want them to do coke.

But I don't think coke should be illegal. I don't either. I don't think anybody should be able to lock you in a cage because you want to get coked up. Imagine if it were legal, how many less people would be dying just in a drug trade? Yes. And how many more people would be aware of how much you can do because you'd get actual coke. Right, right, right.

What you're getting is being cut because you're buying it from people that aren't companies, right? If you're going to buy from nabisco if nabisco was selling coke i put the ingredients on it it'd be 100 coke you'd be able to get real coke real coke nabisco flavored cocaine moreover i mean look in europe the way that they are with alcohol like italy for example kids have wine when they're little and sure there's alcoholics there way less it's less of like a rum springer freak out yeah when you are able to do something that's a great way to put it a rum springer freak out that what she's talking about if you don't know is the amish have a thing it's when they turn like 18 right that

they get to go ham they get to do whatever they want they could watch tv they could drink smoke pot and fuck and they go crazy for a short period of time. And then at the end of that time, they can either leave the church forever or come back. And most of them come back. Right, because that's all you know. Also, you're probably so hungover. Jesus Christ. Someone make me some oat cakes. Get me back to cutting logs.

This is bullshit. This is real workout. Fuck it. Yeah, but that's the truth. What you're saying is the truth. When you repress people, that's when they want to do things really badly. Oh, for everything and we have this obsession as humans with regulating other people's bodies minds everything with religion with laws some of them are put in place to make sure we don't accidentally kill ourselves but by that same token if you are dumb like we always

have signs like don't touch a live wire let them touch it if you're dumb enough to do it well you should know you should have a sign says don't touch a live wire because it can kill you now if you read that sign you still touched a live wire that's nature doing its thing no that's what that becomes if you survive is you suing the state well the sign wasn't big enough well that's a problem it's a big problem yeah people sue we're very sue happy in this country other countries something happens to you you break a leg on a city bus your leg's just broken that's it it's not someone else's problem yeah other countries don't even think about suing people over the shit that people sue for in america it's a weird game but it's also you know it's there to protect you it's there to protect

you i think a lot just in discussions with my husband about like food safety and in this country everything is so sanitized uh this like anodyne food system we have where everything is wrapped in plastic and refrigerated and it's all there so that a health and safety inspector can say this is okay you go to europe food is just out and people are fine right because companies i think it has to do with health and safety of course but also liability so much of our regulations and rules are really put in place for liability issues making sure that somebody doesn't get sued versus your genuine concern for your safety um because we're so able to just it's good and bad living in america you can sue if you feel you've been slighted but you can sue not to really make a point just to make some money yeah yeah it's not it's not perfect. It's not a perfect system.

It's also super complicated. There's so many different rules and regulations and laws and things on the books, and it's just... If we made three top rules right now, we'll do four. Don't be a cunt. Don't be a C. You're going to say C? Yeah. Is it the C word?

I don't like the word. You don't like it? You say it. I don't care. You don't say it? How about twat? Can I say twat? Yeah, you're just going to yeah is it the c word i don't like the word you don't like it you say it i don't care you don't say it how about twat can i say twat yeah you're just not really old twat who says that everybody everybody kids are saying it again it's like lit it's back yeah it's back lit you know what else is fresh fresh to death fine like that's fresh that's fine or fine someone's fine he's fine that's coming back guys don't use it though you know what never let's say that girl's fine no you ever heard that no right not since like 2001 yeah guys

i think it was 80s you guys stopped never went away is cool yeah right cool has always been cool but now i feel like cool is more like when something sucks you're like cool like it's a sarcastic cool but like shoes can be cool nah people still use it the right way dope i'm partial to dope i love dope when i'm like into it, I'm like. Yeah, that's fucking dope. Dope is. Lit has come back very strong. I like lit.

My 11 year old used lit all the time. I say fucking lit. It's fucking lit, dad. Lit, dad. I shouldn't say fucking. Have you heard zaddy? Zaddy. A friend of mine is like.

Is that a Zier's daddy? It's a non-gender binary. No, no, it's not. It's not. It's like a thing that girls say. It's like. What is it? It's like a.gender binary No, no, it's not It's not It's like a thing that girls say It's like What is it? It's like a

Like a young daddy Like it's like a hot term of endearment Right? It's something Zaddy Okay Z-A-D It's like a thing that

It's like a hot dad They learned it on TikTok I don't know Oh, learned it on TikTok I think it's a hot dad Probably a hot dad Was it, Jamie? The Urban Dictionary

Guys attractive and fashionable That's what it is With swag and sex appeal Interesting So yeah, so I was wrong Using a sentence you might say I'm sorry What is it, Jamie? The Urban Dictionary. Guy's attractive and fashionable. That's what it is. With swag and sex appeal. Interesting. So yeah, I was wrong. Using a sentence, you might say, I'm sorry.

Did you see that guy at the mall? He was a total zaddy. And then we'd be like, what's a mall? That's from 2017. But I think it's already dead. I think that term's dead. There's a rap song. I think it died.

Oh, turn that off. Shut it down. Just by the rights. Good Lord. It's a rap song for it. I'm going to get out of your hair. You want to leave? Is that what you're saying?

I can stay. You can stay. Let's stay. Let's talk for a little while. Okay. Okay. What were we just talking about before that? Before we got into that.

Oh, I was saying we should make some rules. Right, yeah. You were saying don't be a C. You said you don't like that word. I don't use it. I don't care if you use it. Twat is good. Twat never went away. It you don't like that word i just i i don't use it i don't care it's good twat never went away it just didn't get that popular it's sort of like um it came like an alfa romeo it's like a fringe totally you know i'm saying a totally fringe fringe car it's not

something people talk about regularly uh i'm all for like a brutal it's always funny when someone's peppers in like a brutal term for vagina like but it's not a vagina term when you say cunt like no first first of all for my friends that live in australia like my my friend adam green tree they just say he throws that thing around like it's a beach ball it's actually a weird adjustment for them they come in england too they come here and we're like dude but like bloody hell like we don't say that and that's the thing there. New Zealand, they have that, too. Stylebender has a t-shirt that says something about good cunt. It just says good cunt. Were you on the show the other night in the main room?

There's a kid sitting in the front row. His shirt in big, bold letters just said, fuck Hitler. Oh, boy. It's going out on a limb. I hope it's not an ironic t-shirt. And I was like, you're obviously not Jewish. He's like, I'm not. And I'm like, this is how strongly you feel and i what i agree with the sentiment i would never wear a shirt that

said fuck on it and i was like it's just so jarring to read fuck that big that the rest of the sentiment for me evaporates yeah i just think putting curse words on your shirt is just so aggressive it's definitely aggressive i saw a guy with a t-shirt on in vegas that said i'm with trump fuck the rest and the uh fuck the u and the c had been turned into asterisks so you had to figure out what it said so like you saw flick the wrist you saw the k and you saw the F, but what could it mean? What's missing? I was looking at that shirt. I'm like, what in the hell? It's so Las Vegas. Oh, my God.

Those shirts and shirts that, remember there was this ironic T-shirt craze for a very long time that would be like, it would say, and only dorks wore them, it would say stuff like, the voices in my head tell me what to do. Oh, yeah. Or like sarcasm department like i'm a cool nerd you know what that shirt means you got ripped off and you bought that stupid t-shirt that's all it means that's all it means you're the type of knucklehead that buys a self-defining t-shirt like this is my ethos this is who i am how dare you how dare you what am i wearing what's on this what What are you wearing? A regular shirt?

Oh, I got an aggressive shirt on. Oh, what is it? It might even have an F word on it. Oh my God. It's a skull with a fucking, with a camouflage hat. What does it say at the top? It says Marines never die. They just go to hell to get, what is it?

They just go to hell to regroup. Okay. I love vintage military shirts. So is that like a legit vintage shirt? Yeah. They just go to hell to regroup. Okay. I love vintage military shirts. So is that like a legit vintage shirt? Yeah. Somebody made it in the 80s and it survived in someone's basement and they brought it to the thrift store? It's a term I've heard.

They never die. They just go to hell. Whatever. I've had the shirt for a long time and I got it from a vintage store. I had a friend of mine that I used to work with in construction. He had a tattoo that said, death before dishonor. And some guy came up to me and was like, were you in the service? He was like, no, I just always liked it.

I'm like, oh, all right. I saw somebody on the set the other day was wearing it, and I gave him so much shit. He's just some dude. Death before dishonor. I'm like, do you know what it says? Yeah, I just liked it. I'm like, what does it mean to you? He's like, it's just a shirt. My wife picked it out. I'm like, it's just such an says? Yeah, I just liked it. I'm like, what does it mean to you? It's just a shirt. My wife picked it out.

I'm like, it's just such an aggressive statement. And you're mad at him. I wasn't mad. You were a little mad. I asked him. You sound like you're mad. What is this? What is this, gaslighting?

No, I'm just saying. As a woman. That's another great term. I love that term. I love a good gaslighting. Gaslighting is weird. Twat. Here it goes.

A woman's genitals. That's the second one. a person regarded as stupid or obnoxious is number one a woman's genitals i mean who says stick it in my twat like during sex that'd be that'd be a nightmare that would be because what's after that like where do you go from there if that's what you open with when a girl says put it in my cunt it's got to be jarring yeah i'd be like why am i that's jarring like what is what are you saying why are you saying it like that even even like cock is so aggressive and sometimes you have to but you can't say penis right yeah put your penis in me yeah yeah right i used to do a bit about the word cock it sounds like it's wearing a sombrero and carrying a gun because it's cock oh it's just like it sounds manly the word cock. It sounds like it's wearing a sombrero and carrying a gun. Because it's cock? Oh, it's just like,

it sounds manly. The word cock is a fucking manly word. Like penis. Sliv? It's too soft. It's penis. You know, it's like, can I get you my penis?

Can I put my penis in your sliv? Yeah, it's like, what do you think of my penis? What? What do you think of my penis? What? What do you think of my penis? I like it. You like my penis? Penis? I like my penis.

It's just, also vagina. Like, if a girl says, my vagina, what do you think of my vagina? It's too clinical. It is,

but it's okay because it's like, you could have like, a girl can say that, I think. Easier. I think sending a girl a dick pic, and I know I'm opening a floodgate with this, but try not to be an animal about it, folks.

If you send a girl an unrequited dick pic and you just write, what do you think about my penis? She's going to have such a mixed bag of emotions. No one gets more dick pics than Whitney. I told her that she needs to write a book and publish all these, just blur out everybody's face and publish all these dick pics and she shares us no leave the dicks she shares them to us in this group text that i'm in with her she like it's me and dalia and swartzen and she'll she'll send us these pictures these guys send her we're all like you gotta write a book like this is so great write a book have you seen this so many there's an app that blurs out part of the picture to make it look like your dick has been blurred out.

Oh, interesting. It's awesome. So it makes it look like your dick's hanging out. Like if you're just sitting there and then it'll just put a blurry thing next to your leg. Did you see that one dude that they took down his photo on Instagram and all he was doing, he was wearing shorts, just a really muscular gentleman with a large hog and he was wearing shorts and they were like boxer briefs.

And his dick was so big that you could see it in the boxer briefs. So Instagram took down his fucking photo. No, that's not cool. A dick in briefs. As per restriction, it is shrouded. And it should stand. Shrouded. Good way to put it.

Yeah, and it should stand. You are on point with the vocabulary in this podcast. Talking about the famous Jason Derulo? Yes! Oh, that? Yes! Wait, I'm taking my hat off. Did you see it? I didn't see this. No, I just Googled it. It's real recent. And dude, the guy's got a big hog. He's a very well-built

gentleman, all around, very muscular and handsome with a large hog. Put the photo up. Put the photo up right now. I can do it, bro. So look at this. Look at photo up. Yeah, put the photo up right now. Eliza can drool over this. I can do it, bro. So look at this. Look at this gentleman.

First of all, what does this guy do? He's a singer and dancer. He's going to be in the new Cats. That's what he does? He's going to be in the new Cats? How the fuck is a guy that manly in the... That doesn't make sense. But anyway, you can see by the outline of the hog.

Oh my God. Yeah, it's quite a hog. Look at that. But you know what? It's not terribly... You've got to look for it. It's not terribly prominent. You've got to look for it. It's not... Should not it's quite a hog. Look at that. But you know what? It's not terribly, you gotta look for it. It's not terribly prominent. You gotta look for it.

It's not, should not have had that taken down. What is he gonna do? You got a problem because he's got a big dick? Is that really what's getting it taken down? Who complained? Some asshole.

He should put it back and just blur it out. Did he put it back? Yeah. Did he blur it? I don't know. He should just put it back the way it is, really.

No, it's fine. He should protest it. He should. It it back the way it is, really. No, it's fine. He should protest it. He should. It's nonsense. I got no problem with that. The guy's shredded with a large hog. Congratulations, sir. He's shredded with a large hog.

Yeah, he's shredded with a large hog. It's the American dream. It is the American dream. You're shitting on the American dream, Instagram. You're un-American if you don't like a shrouded hog. He did cover it up. What did he do? Pixelate it? He put a big caped hog. He did cover it up. What did he do? Pixelate it?

He put a big cat there? He put another dick over it. What did he do? He cut out another dick. He put a Subway there. Is this better? That's way better. He put a Subway sandwich there.

That's fucking hilarious. Yeah, I don't. He should be congratulated on his physique as well. That's some long hours in the gym right there. That is some high weight, low rep commitment. A hundred percent. That's some long hours in the gym right there. That is some high weight, low rep commitment. A hundred percent. That dude is working out.

That dude's working out. He's doing shit. And chilling his hog. What is the problem, folks? Is that what we're scared of? Hogs behind cloth? Also, who says social media has to be a bastion of purity? Yeah.

Right. Twitter's not. It's a garbage wasteland. I love Twitter for that. Twitter shows all kinds of fucking and sucking and chaos maybe because facebook owns it i don't know uh probably yeah i think they just don't want porn on it they don't want porn and and most like really violent images are hidden like you have to click on i'm okay with that because i follow a lot of like nature accounts and maybe today i don't want to see a baby seal club. Right.

You know, and it's good to know that those images are there so it's present in your mind but define porn. Is that porn? And if his dick were smaller? No, that guy's not porn.

Right, so what's, where do we draw the line here? Well, Twitter would have no problem with that. Twitter keeps up most things. In fact, they took down when Tim Dillon

did that Meghan McCain spoof. Have you ever seen that? Mm-mm. One of the best fucking things on the internet when Tim Dillon did that Meghan McCain spoof. Have you ever seen that? One of the best fucking things on the internet. Tim Dillon as Meghan McCain. Do you know Tim? You don't know Tim Dillon? Oh, my God. He's fucking hilarious.

He's a big, heavy gay guy who does the best Meghan McCain impression of all time. He's a hilarious comic. But you can't put a label on this guy. He's brilliant. And he's so fucking funny. Pull it up for Eliza. Look at it. Bring it to the beginning.

Bring it to the beginning. Give me some volume. What's going on here? I don't know. There's a sound on here. What's holding on here? Moment. Moment's away?

We're moments away. I don't know. There's a sound. Is it not working? It's on mute, I think. What is happening? happening no it's not fuck well i mean i get the joke no no no no i need to get it harder he goes hard in the paint see if you can sort that out jamie will sort it out anyway um i but but anyway instagram took this

down this video you can only get it on youtube and on twitter now twitter left it up twitter leaves up everything i think two of the highest forms of comedy are people falling and men dressed as women oh yeah it's never not funny here it goes but bring it from the beginning but here's this thing megan mccain blocked him on twitter well i wouldn't love that either yes she did yeah they've uh asked uh someone from me Megan has asked to be on this podcast, and I would have her on with Tim in a heartbeat. Crank the volume up, please. Before my father died, I had a baby with him,

and it will be raised in captivity. It will be raised privately to be the greatest politician that has ever lived. My name is Megan McCain, and I'm on a news show called The View. And Donald Trump, that fucking riverboat casino captain, is Megan McCain and I'm on a news show called The View. And Donald Trump, that fucking riverboat casino captain, is talking shit about my father again. My father was tortured for a hundred years

for this fucking country. And he came back and he started seven wars because he's a gentleman. Fuck you, Trump. I'm going to wear my father's skin mask and I'm going to primary Trump

from the right. Come on The View, bitch. If you're that tough, come on the view. You want an Alessandria de Casio Cortez? You want this shit? You wanna fuck these tits, Trump? You wanna fuck these tits? No, you don't.

You wanna suck cock. But I won't fuck you because the only person I'll fuck is dirty. I'll fuck his corpse. I'll fuck dirty's corpse. Wow. is dirty i'll fuck his corpse i'll fuck daddy's corpse wow riverboat casino captain he's fucking genius he's an animal funny and a good dude too really really good dude um what was my point oh twitter had no problem with that what about freedom of speech yeah what about freedom of speech that's funny he's being funny come on he's not inciting a riot. He's not calling for anyone.

Is it her favorite thing ever? No, but where do you draw the line then? Listen, it's not her. He's making fun of her saying things she never said. It's funny. It's all it is. It's funny. But also it's like, if you're going to get that taken, like where is that line?

Where is that line? And no one can laugh at anything now. Right. I completely agree. And who's deciding? Unfunny people. Exactly. No one can laugh at anything now.

Right. I completely agree. And who's deciding? Unfunny people. Exactly. Unfunny people are in charge of comedy in studios, in meetings, in pitches, in comedy clubs, in audiences. And the fate of your career rests in the hands of someone who is not qualified to handle comedy. Not only that, the hands of someone who wants to let everyone know they're woke.

Let everyone know they're adhering to progressive ideology. Let everyone know they're upholding these community standards. They all decide are important. Who's community? I was reading about this girl who got fired from a show. They didn't bring her back because she said she had all these requests for people being cast on the show.

She wanted an interracial couple. She wanted a gay character. She wanted all these things, and they didn't do it. They got rid of her, and she was complaining that they're not in favor of inclusivity. Imagine if you wrote a show. Just imagine if you're a writer. You wrote a show. You got this show.

You got this idea. I'm going to do a shop, a coffee shop, and these people work there and have them interact with customers, some crazy stuff. i have it all written out and someone who you cast you say okay you're gonna be thelma you're gonna be the waitress she's like yes i like that yes okay and you get she gets the part then she's like i need you to have a transgender couple she was the actress not the writer no not the writer i want you to have an interracial couple i want you to have i want this to be inclusive inclusive and they're like what is this lady doing well are you writing the show are you an actor now the i i'm all for all of these things i think sometimes what we have to be afraid of is

tokenism you want it always to be an organic story and we do have a problem with not populating our worlds with enough variety because white people see white things and people see things a certain way you never want the tokenism like i never want to think i'm somewhere just because i'm a girl i want to be there because you know but it's tough because where do you draw that line for my sketch show which comes out in the spring uh for my sketch for my writers i wanted a diverse writing team because i wanted to make sure that my that we were not so inclusive but also that we were making a smart show that wasn't just from one you wanted from different perspectives but you also wanted quality

but you wouldn't sacrifice quality just to get a demographic no and so what i did was because to me this was an infallible way to do it i had all the writers packets because people submit writing packets and samples i had their names taken off of it so that when i read your packet i was reading it and i could only base my opinion On the content of the comedy I ended up with three Jews But it really We had 28 submissions

And there were some we liked some we didn't We narrowed it down but I never knew what the person's name was Or what they looked like Until I said I like it and we scheduled a meeting Good for you that's smart That's a meritocracy That's what you really want and the thing about this inclusivity it's like yes you you want a world where everyone gets a chance but you don't want a quality of outcome

that doesn't work that way what you want is people to rise to the top and when you're dealing with like mathematics you're going to get a lot of european jews right you're going to a lot of asian people why because they've they've studied that like pretty extensively in their countries it's been a part of their heritage for a long time it doesn't mean that like you're you're being discriminatory against italian americans it just means like these are the people for whatever reason that are more invested in that particular way of thinking and you we can begin to create opportunities and ways into things so that in 20 years, maybe it is, oh, everybody goes to see whatever ethnicity of doctor. We can create these opportunities.

Yes. But nobody wants to sacrifice performance just for that. But that's why go out of your way to include someone. But it can't be like we're just mandating things. And that's for women. That's for anything. I want to be somewhere because I'm good. Yeah.

Yeah. A hundred percent. And that's for women. That's for anything. I want to be somewhere because I'm good. Yeah, yeah, 100%. What we want to concentrate on is having people have the quality of opportunity to explore different things that they want to do. And that should be there. And there should be programs created. And sometimes you do have to say, well, we need to take X amount of this many types of people to create that. But if you're given the chance and you do well, you're even that much more of a hidden gem. I always say this with when girls, I see like a lot of girls get upset like and i can't get on this show and i can't do this and that but when you do get on a lineup and you fucking crush you're

the one everyone's going to talk about so when you're given this opportunity to fucking nail it like it might be hard getting in there but when you have that chance you can't use things as a stepping stone woman and as a crutch the next so just know that like if you're the only girl in a lineup for example and i'm speaking from a world that i live in not for anything else and you fuck up people are gonna think all women are like that because you were the sample i would prefer them to not think about at all just think about being the best that they can be no don't concentrate on your gender at all don't but i think it's something that's always brought up and put in our faces so if you have to just know that if and when you do succeed and you are good or just as good people will remember how great you were and you will shine more than just like

the other average dude 12 dudes that were on there well i think that's one of the good things about comedy communities is that when people are good they get respect it is merit-based like i said there's no brilliant comic out there not getting any credit. Yeah, whether it's Ali Wong crushing or you or, you know, name the woman. Whitney, name a woman who's good. When they're killing, they're killing because they're a great comic and everybody gives them props. It's not this thing where, like, the men are versus the women.

And by the way, to say the guy thing, if you are a mediocre like male comic especially now you're not going anywhere but because there's so many people doing comedy and the odds are so against you you've got to fucking bring it and that gets rewarded yeah for sure we've all had to up our games because it's just so much it's so popular now yeah it's exciting though i love the competition it's a great time for all of us it really is it's just the comics are more in control you can make more comedy there are more opportunities when i started in comedy i like nobody paid you for spots and now you get paid the comedy started but like small shows

nobody gave you money there weren't that many i remember i had to run one there there's so much more out there so you've got to go and carve that out for yourself because it's definitely there for the taking yeah it would be interesting if there was a service that let people figure out how to start off as an open mic-er. Like an LA-based service. If you pay five bucks a month, they'll give you a newsletter that shows you where all the different spots are. Yeah, or it should be a little harder. Or figure it out. Yeah, or figure it out. And then once you figure it out yeah figure it out and then once you figured

it out you got it and or it's your friends ask i was around there are shows my husband always jokes because we pass a baja fresh i'm like i did a spot there once like an abandoned cvs i did a spot there like there are shows comedy is going on everywhere a lot of coffee shops right yeah i went to see uh poetry slam once did you ever see a poetry slam it's so weird it's so weird they take it so seriously they take it so seriously it's one of the most pretentious forms of entertainment that's ever been created well that like staccato speaking like and doesn't mean you can't be good doesn't mean you can't be good at it but in terms of overall pretentious level, it's

probably the highest percentage ever. Yes. You hear people that are saying that you should do that now. You should wave jazz hands because some folks have a real problem with loud noises. And if you clap when you like something, it hurts their ears. Got to be kinder, more gentle. I have noticed younger people snap, which I think I did a college gig five years ago and I was like, okay, it's not, it doesn't feel as validating as uproarious applause but that's like from the 50s that's what they would do at jazz

clubs yeah yeah man good job man it's very it's cool and when girls do it I'm like yeah I'm cool I'm young cool girl too I'm young and cool it's like it's also a competition how loud can your snap be is it based on skin thickness I don't know what it's based on. Yeah, because your hands are thicker than mine and I have little cricket snips. Someone's listening to this, just loading a shotgun. I'm angry. Angry. What the fuck do you snap into my ears for? At a Swedish plate shop.

Yeah, there's different kinds of snaps too, right? Isn't there one like you can go across like the top of your thumb with like your second finger instead of this? That's like a dude thing. Like how dudes like different whistles. Or what's this thing yeah that's the one they do what is that i'm afraid i'm gonna what is that supposed to be like what honestly i don't think everyone's doing it but it's it imitates packing a dip like the dip can oh yeah that's because that's exactly what it looks like my fingers don't make noise like. My fingers don't make noise that way. My fingers don't make noise that way.

They make noise that way. Ligament on ligament. They don't make noise that way. That's good. I'm probably not doing it good. Things to, remember arm farts? Those were huge when you were a kid. Make arm farts. Everybody figures that out.

My kids figured it out. They thought they were so smart. I'm like, bitch, I've been doing that forever. You're just trapping oxygen. Or this. Yeah. Hand farts. Yeah.

It's just a dry fuck. Yeah. Ugh. Old people. Old people on their deathbed. There's people that can get that whistle that's so ear-piercing without doing anything, though. They can just hold their lips in a way. I can't whistle with one of those.

I suck on my fingers. I have to put fingers, two on each side. See, I always want to do the finger whistle. I can't. I have to do this one. I won't do it. You did it. Not really.

That's a whistle reserved for calling dogs. Yeah. Gunner, Brixton. Right. And then you do it. Or when you want your significant other in the bedroom to fuck. Right? I guess.

Let out that whistle. Like, it's time. Do you need the whistle? No. You can have a drum set. I could literally just be like, babe. You'd be like, is it time to fuck? Yeah.

You said my name. Come on, let's go. I'm always ready. I'm always ready. Rock hard. Yeah, guys that turn down sucks. I've heard girls talk about that. That like, you know, that they're the ones who wanted it.

And the guy was always saying no. I was like, you're dating a gay guy. Or he had herpes. Or he's, whoa, interesting. Think about it. Right. He's like, oh, not today. I definitely, I've had people talk about that.

I'm like, he had herpes. Wow. Good point. If he's, and by the way, if he's having sex with the intermittent like i think there's also that like he's it's uncomfortable right most people have it so that's probably what it is or he's coming down from like doing too much coke yeah or there's that a lot of people i feel like she would know i mean i don't maybe it was a hypothetical. I dated a girl and I didn't know she was a cokehead. Didn't know until after I dated her. I didn't date her a lot. Like, I saw her rarely.

She seemed pretty normal. You can conceal that drug just like late nights. Like, I've got a friend who's a total cokehead. But other than the fact that she talks really fast. You didn't know? No, no. I do know, but you wouldn't know. Oh.

One wouldn't know. Well, that's the, what Adderall is, is people that like have an affinity towards that kind of thing and they can do it every day. That's a, that is a giant problem, that drug. And you see people that have, when they're on it, they have this unfounded self image. Like unfounded belief in themselves like delusional belief in themselves it's very it's a very strange drug it does it hubris and pill form yep it takes away all of your inhibition is about expressing how good you are at things and everyone else sucks you find you know you find all

these faults and people you don't find any in yourself. You have unfounded confidence in your ability to get things done. It's a weird drug. It's a weird drug and a lot of fucking people are on it. But how good is Scarface? Oh, it's amazing. It's so good. To this day.

And I don't even think his accent. Everyone thinks his accent's bad. I think it's great. I think it's great. It doesn't sound totally Cuban. It's exactly what a Cuban person sounds like. Maybe. No. I know a lot. I mean, Joey Diaz doesn't sound totally cuban it's exactly what a cuban person sounds like maybe i know i know a lot i mean joey diaz doesn't sound like that but uh but he's an american person it's not it doesn't it's it's off it's off for sure but but it's really good to find a generation

of impressions yeah oh yeah it's it's an off impression but it but it's a really good off impression. Has influenced almost every rapper. Oh, yeah. Do you remember the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where Crazy Eyes Killa had Larry David over his house and he's playing Scarface 24-7 on his big screen? It's like a Bible. Yeah. But. I mean, it was one of the ghetto boys.

Scarface. It's an American tale. Yes, it is. What he did. Sure, yeah. Got the of the ghetto boys. Scarface. But it's an American tale. Yes, it is. What he did. Sure, yeah. Got the girl, came from nothing. Yeah. And made his way up. Yeah, even how he came over here.

I mean, it is an American tale. He came to the land of opportunity. And he had it until Miami PD fucking shot him up. Have you ever seen Cocaine Cowboys? Uh-uh. Oh my goodness. One of the best documentaries of all time. My friend Billy Corbin made it.

Cocaine Cowboys 1 and Cocaine Cowboys 2. Billy's been on the podcast a few times. He makes a bunch of different documentaries, but those two are just fucking gems. It shows you how goddamn crazy Miami was in the 1980s. There was one year where the police academy, the graduating class, half of them were murdered and the other half of them went to jail they went to jail for corruption it was just brutal coke everywhere all these pilots talking about coke all these hitmen they got hitmen on film yeah talking about all the shit they did it

is a crazy documentary it's a brutal drug oh it well it's also what defined miami i mean yeah there's my buddy steve uh was an ophthalmologist shout out to steve my buddy Steve was an ophthalmologist. Shout out to Steve Graham. He was an ophthalmologist during his residency. He was in Miami in the emergency room and he would tell me

about dudes, just horrific wounds. Yeah, just to the face. Just everyone's getting fucked up and shot and stabbed and it's like

a war zone. Oh, I thought you meant just from coke, like just from doing so much of it, getting into your whole face. people murdering people. Sure. I mean, it was a goddamn war zone. Still is. I mean, not still is, but still is a war zone. Oh, I thought you meant just from coke, like just from doing so much of it, getting into your whole face. No, people murdering people.

Sure. I mean, it was a goddamn war zone. Still is. I mean, not still is, but still is a war, like just the trafficking of it and what that does to our neighbors to the south. Have you ever seen the video of the Coast Guard pulling over the Mexican submarine that's filled with coke? Cocaine, yeah. And they jump on top of it and bang on the lid and have the guys open it up. Such an ex machina moment.

Like, who's the guy banging on that? We all want to bang on the lid and have the guys open it up such an ex machina moment like who's the guy banging on that we all want to bang on a floating submarine jump and be the kind of man that has the balls to jump on a submarine while it's moving

through the ocean yeah that's fucking that's a savage move that's lit that's lit as fuck that's lit dude all that stuff could be avoided

if it was legal if it was legal he'd be buying again he'd be buying fucking coca cola cocaine which is what our grandparents had yeah legalize it sanitize it regulate it tax it If it was legal, you'd be buying, again, you'd be buying fucking Coca-Cola cocaine. Which is what our grandparents had.

Yep. Legalize it, sanitize it, regulate it, tax it. Bob's your uncle. Yeah. Do you know that they still use cocaine to make the flavor for Coca-Cola? I challenge that. A coca leaf, maybe? Coca leaf.

That's what I'm saying. But not cocaine. They actually take the coca leaf. But cocaine is the byproduct of a coca leaf. Exactly. You're correct. But not cocaine They actually take the coca leaf But cocaine is the byproduct of a coca leaf Right, exactly

You're correct They take the coca leaf They extract the cocaine And then it's the number one medical supplier Of medical cocaine Takes that stuff from the coca leaves That they convert into the flavonoids That they use for coca cola

No, coca cola That's why it tastes so good It tastes so good It's so good They did this experiment Where they put some coke Coca-Cola On the floor And then diet coke

And bugs wouldn't go Near the diet coke Yeah but that's cause It doesn't have sugar in it Bugs are stupid as fuck I don't think so I think it's I think it's whatever

They put in the diet coke Yeah but they probably Wouldn't go down the floor For water either They know what sugar is I feel like they were Sugar ants Sugar works for them

Yeah but sugar works for them I'm just saying If a bug doesn't want it. But you know how you get flavor from sugar? Bugs don't necessarily get flavor. They're going to it because they're probably attracted to the smell of it. Because they know it's going to be effective for whatever they're trying to do. I'm just saying the Diet Coke repelled them.

I prefer it, though. I prefer the taste of Diet Coke. It's lighter. I like a Diet Coke on occasion with a little bit of lemon. Ooh, how about some lime? Are you racist against limes? Yeah. Big time.

That's where I draw my line. Everything else I was okay with, but this, we got a real problem. If you get sparkly water, they ask you if you want limes. You get regular water. Always get lime. Yes. Which is actually kind of hard to find outside of the country. The lime. It depends on, you go to a lot of countries, they're like, we have lemon.

I'm like, lemon? It's not the same, but some people just don't have limes yeah they don't get it fucking losers yeah yeah get some limes in your life get some limes belgium you can grow lemons you can grow limes not true no no different soil it's just different is it yeah you don't you see a lot of lemon trees in la you don't see any lime trees maybe it's because people suck uh maybe i just i think we have a an aversion to delicious things here really i really feel like there's so many fruits that we sleep on that like what like durian i have some in my house right now does it stink it stinks at my freezer it's freeze-dried i brought it home did you like it i liked it fresh there i thought it was really cool, right? But I do it as like a party trick just to watch people's faces contort.

Mangosteen, super tasty. Mangosteen? Jujubees, which is, I found out recently, an actual fruit, not just a candy. Really? Dried jujubee. It will change your life. And I brought it to set and all the Asian girls were like, yeah, my grandma uses them. And I'd never heard of it.

And we just, what do we have? Apples and fucking grapes. Sometimes we have melon. A little bit of melon. Cantaloupe, perhaps. Everybody thinks it's funny to shit on melon i love melons honeydew dude i love them when it's hot out a cold cantaloupe might be one of the best fucking things you can eat in your life barbara streisand once said her definition of luxury was not having to scoop down to the skin in a cantaloupe like not having to go deep go deep. She's a wasteful bitch. It is tasty, though. She's probably throwing straws in the ocean, too,

right off her balcony to the fucking ocean. Fuck these turtles. People, I went around last night at the comedy store. I was like, why is everyone having a straw? Men shouldn't use straws. If you need a straw, great. What about women? Can women use it?

You know what? Your lipstick's not that sacred, but then the lipstick, you're crushing up bugs, you're wasting it, I don't know. What about paper straws? Do you need a straw? Let's say that you are not then the lipstick, you're crushing up bugs, you're wasting it. I don't know. What about paper straws? Do you need a straw? Let's say that you are not medically incapacitated in any form. Do you need a straw other than a smoothie?

I do, because it's a good way to make a point. What's the point? So, like, if I have a straw in here, and I go, well, maybe you should get your shit together. I'm going to suck on the straw. We started. It's like when the old-timey guys would take a hit on their cigar. And I told her, get the fuck out of my room. It's a good punctuation.

Yeah. I would argue a gurgly sip like I started this conversation with is equally as shady, right? Like, oh, and maybe you should eat my shit. It is. It is just as good. It's actually kind of better. No more straws. Because you're you're guiding your face no straws are good and they're they're good for a reason it's a good way to suck liquid through quickly shouldn't just be automatically tilt your fucking hand back like

a savage you could just pull on the straw really like savages drink tea with their pinkies up the issue is biodegradable plastic it's very possible you make it with hemp fiber it's not hard they know how to do it it literally goes back in the earth in 80 days the thing they know how to do a lot of these things and we don't because it doesn't make money or people don't they want to maximize their profitability now there's a giant business with all of these things straws they can shift over to making hemp plastic it's it's really not that hard easily and what kills me is people like look no straw i'm like but the whole cup is plastic All of these things. Making plastic straws. They can shift over to making hemp plastic. It's really not that hard. Easily. And what kills me is people are like, look, no straw. I'm like, but the whole cup is plastic.

Oh. These are. Fuck. Just saying. We waste a lot of these things. You got a Yeti. That thing is awesome. Yeah.

I have one. Pretty good. Can I have one of yours too? Fuck yeah. I was hoping to get a free one. I got a free one for you. Great. 100%. It's got my face on it.

It makes me feel weird when you're drinking your coffee. I've gotten one before, so I'd like another one. Did you give it away? Did you gift it? What did I face on it make you feel weird in my gift bag drinking your coffee i've gotten one before so i'd like another one did you give it away did you gift it what did i do with it i have it i think i just have two um the plastic lids on starbucks cups those gotta be a problem it's a huge problem you can't do it with paper right plastic bottled water yeah that's ridiculous who the fuck would buy that it is ridiculous why is it here jamie this is outrageous you're not no one's that thirsty We're telling Jason Momoa if he comes here. He's gonna shame us all Tell him I said hi. Some sort of water like in a can. He sells water in a can. Oh, that's why he's shaming it

Oh fucking I thought he was just virtuous. Yeah, I didn't know that either Uh, I just have a filter in my house and I just drink the tap water. I do too But um, we should get some sort of a big jug. Yeah, definitely. You have the beautiful coffee machine. The Laird Hamilton Superfood coffee machine. Yeah, get a Laird Hamilton Superfood water machine. I don't think it works like that.

Yeah, ask him. We'll just get something. He lives in the water. He does. He can hook it up. Yeah. We just need to get some sort of glass containers to keep him on the table.

Oh, if only we had a container. I know. I have to. I am the Lor i just i'm just doing my part speaking for the trees i remember that movie i remember that book too from when i was a little kid the movie was great the message is great i drive a 2009 honda civic hybrid because i don't want to get a new car And it's a hybrid And that's the part That I'm doing I know You've had that same car forever

I always shit on you for it I love it You got money lady Get yourself a fat ride You should get yourself An old Cadillac A big purple one Or maybe a Lincoln

With suicide doors Woo Yeah How about that Dark They could pimp my ride Yes I could pick up so many chicks

Now we're talking Fucking in the seats Go Lesbo We get a Full Lesbo Dark purple Subaru Metallic flake no lincoln a big old four-door continental with suicide i could get like 1965 or i could get

a cadillac and i could get like a cadillac emblem like tattooed on me and i could get old english font yeah on your neck yeah i could get it there and i could start finger blasting chicks oh you gonna do that too yeah call me zaddy okay i'm blasting chicks. Oh, you're going to do that too? Yeah. Call me zaddy. Hmm. Okay. I'm going to keep it. Oh, Jesus. See, you were talking about finger blasting.

I panicked. I'm going to keep the Honda Civic Hybrid until the wheels fall. I just bought a $700 alternator. Why do you still have that? Just to see how long it'll last? For those reasons. Do you like to pull into the comic store and feel better than people because you're helping? I would love to show everyone how powerful I am with a nice car.

You could afford a nice car, lady. I know how much you make. It's a hybrid, and I don't need a new car. We live in this society that you're always trying to posture and show off things, and that's fine if a car is your thing, but that's just a way that I choose to help. Good for you. That's it. Well, you're right.

If you want to like be a conserver of resources, like you're absolutely conserving resources by driving that old shitty car. But I think you work hard and deserve a fat ride. I'm talking about like

a 2020 Corvette with your name on it. That does nothing for me. Pink like a vagina. A Corvette? Woo! Come on. Chrome wheels,

fuzzy dice. Let's go. Who are you talkinguzzy dice Let's go Who are you talking to? Let's go Eliza Have we met? How about a truck? How about a truck with giant Jacked up wheels

Like a dude with a little dick Yo How about you get one of those? You say that But like Like the lesbian part of me Wants a fucking truck Get one

Like a nice truck How much lesbian do you think you have in you? Just that truck Just a truck? Like I don't want to kiss a woman But I do want that truck You don't have to kiss her, she can just kiss you

I don't want that And that's cool if that's the way you are But trucks, just being from Texas My brother's got a nice truck There's something about being something about a truck Let's just pretend that you decided to get rid of that shit No, I wouldn't Dodge Ram makes a nice truck.

Dodge Ram makes a very nice truck. Extended cab? Fuck yeah. They got that big screen too. I like the, they have a great dash set up now. Is there a hybrid truck? 2020 models? Here's the thing.

Hybrid. It would be a waste. Wouldn't it be communist? That's what I'm asking for. No, get one of those cyber trucks. I got nothing to put in the bed. Get the Elon Musk cyber truck. That ugly thing?

What? How dare you? That thing's amazing. It is chunky. I love it. I live up a very narrow, some guy next to me has a Hummer, but I live up a very narrow dirt road. What does the Hummer do?

Just fucking jack everybody's cars? He drives by? It just fucking sits there, covered in one of those military flaps that looks like it has fake leaves on it. There you go. Dodge Ram with the fender flares and big old fucking tires on it. Those gotta be 35 inch tires, right, Jamie? Is that a

zipper on the front of the grill that looks like a zipper no that's a that's led lights oh that's necessary that is necessary if you go off-roading can i tell you my first boyfriend in high school had a dodge ram with a lift kit and it was no but it was i mean people were kind of like this is but it was like a serious truck. Fuck yeah. A lift kit while it's super Florida Georgia line and like a little white trash. I don't know. When we played Florida, we rented like a big Ford truck. They're great.

It's fun to do in the right context, but I don't need that. Well, listen, there's trucks now that you drive that drive amazing, like a Ford Raptor. Ford Raptors are super comfortable because there's a lot of travel in the wheels like the wheels like absorb potholes because they're supposed to be like they're off-road vehicles so they handle bumps better than anything well super comfortable to drive that's if you're concerned about the person sitting in the back which i seldom am carrying anyone so as long as my front is comfortable sitting in the back sitting in the back of a truck.

Like my brother's truck. Like you leave and your neck's all jacked up because the shocks are shit. It's a nice car, but like it doesn't feel great. No, Raptor absorbs shit. It's actually pretty comfortable. I just don't. You can drive over like crazy rugged terrain at very fast speeds. I am watching America fall like Rome.

I'm watching our world fall and I don't need a new car. I get it. And so I just admit that but I do buy other things that are nice I've got my money in other ways I believe you I believe you listen I'm not shaming you no no I'm a little bit but not really I'm just making fun of you it's okay your shitty fucking car I'll take the living get a 1969 Corvette with no air conditioning and no school how about you get an old school hot rod? And just be hot? Driving around in one of those with a stick shift. Rumbling.

A stick shift? Yeah. Whistling out the window at girls. Hey! Pack of cigarettes rolled up in your sleeve. Hey! Watch me pack this dip. Whoa.

Check it out. Hookers. That's it. I don't know. Even the way you said hookers, like you weren't really committing to it. I hit trash cans with my car. Do you? Oh, yeah.

Oh, so you love the fact that your car is kind of a beater i don't go out of my way but i'm not concerned about it and more importantly i'm not trying to attract women or posture as anything so i don't need a nice car i don't it's okay yeah it's okay you hate america yeah you hate cars that's what it is but what if someone gave you a dope car like what kind of car would someone like if some someone's like happy birthday eliza i think a tesla makes the most sense because of the emissions and everything yeah i don't want to i have one i know i saw you pull in it's dope i love a big suv i you know what i always wanted throw that fucking honda right in the garbage if you ever drove my car oh i would gift it to someone the honda my assistant who has the same car but mine's a hybrid hers isn't and your car's stinky emily uh i always wanted a g wagon those are dope it's not not uh it's not responsible

not responsible but what if you want to go to war and you need something that has three lockers three locking differentials you need a of course it's a german car they're like this is necessary it's very necessary probably just just drive out of town. Good move. I'd be the first to go if we went to war. The new ones are weird because the new G-wagons aren't really a military vehicle anymore. It's just a really nice Mercedes with very heavy metal doors. Well, and you have to get the AMG package. Of course.

And if you don't, then it's like you got a 3 Series. Whoa. Is there anything wrong with a 3 Series? Who are you? I'm just saying. I thought you were the girl who owns the 2002 Honda and you're shitting on people with a 3 Series. Whoa. So... Is there anything wrong with a 3 Series? Who are you? I'm just saying. I thought you were the girl who owns the 2002 Honda

and you're shitting on people with a 3 Series? Yeah. How dare you? Why? I just feel like it's hypocritical a little bit. I don't think so.

3 Series is a nice car. I'm making a point with mine. 3 Series is... My dad got this for me and it's like a dipping a toe in luxury. Oh, I see what you're saying. BMW 3 Series

is what my friends got when they were 16. I had a Blazer. Did you really? Yeah. I drove I see what you're saying. BMW 3 Series is what my friends got when they were 16. I had a Blazer. Did you really? Yeah. I drove that thing all the way to LA. Chevy Blazers were the shit. It was all the bells and whistles.

It was awesome. It had a little splash decal. Why did Chevy stop making that? They have a Tahoe. It's like the McRib. They take away things that people love. Why would they do that? They're bringing back the Bronco.

Ford has a 2020 Bronco. It's fucking dope. But you want an old Bronco. You don't want the new one. You want, like, the look of the old one. What is that piece of shit? What is that? That's the new Blazer.

Get the fuck out of here. That's not a Blazer. It looks like a Nissan. That's terrible. It's got, like, a shitty body. That's terrible. How is that a Blazer? That's a Blazer?

It looks like a Lexus. Not that there's anything wrong with it But they're ripping off the Lexus grill Well the front looks like a Range Rover to me But dude That is a Lexus grill Look at how that grill is Now go to Lexus LS 570

Or LX 570 Look at that grill And see the shape of that grill Lexus LX 570 Now check this out Look at the grill on that Same fucking grill and see the shape of that grill. Lexus LX 570. Now check this out. Look at the grill on that. Same fucking grill. It's definitely a Lexus.

That's the same grill. Ooh, I like... Oh, no. You bitches stole a grill. Now you make a grandma car out of a goddamn blazer, but you stole the grill. Now go to 2024. Lexus is a grandma car. SUV Lexus is a grandma car.

Those 570s are the shit. Whatever. Those things are legitimate off-road vehicles. You can have a lit grandma. A lit grandma. No one's off-roading in a Lexus You can though Do you know that's the same base As a Toyota Land Cruiser?

Yeah I did know It's the same chassis Everything's the same Is that what you're trying to tell me? It lifts up It actually has a button Where you can lift to go off-roading It has locking differentials

Yeah but my Honda Civic Hybrid Has a CD player That's a Look see See the guy's off-roading This fucking Lexus People have done it There's actually a Motor train video No it's a motor train video They're not off-roading this fucking Lexus. People have done it. There's actually a Motor Trend video.

They're not off-roading. They got lost. No, they're showing you the capabilities of this amazing platform. It's an amazing piece of machinery. How dare you? Pull up 2020 Ford Bronco, though, because that's legit. The 2020 Ford Bronco is not like that shitty Blazer. The 2020 Ford Bronco is legit.

It's a legit, beautiful vehicle. And people are already starting to develop customizing kits. You got it? Check this out. This is America. Jamie, you're killing me here with the suspense. It's a legit picture because they've had those fake pictures of it for a long time. You might be right.

I think they do have some legit pictures, though. Maybe just renders? Let me see. I'm on the killin I can't went to one of four calm okay there you go not all your cars in a garage those are mine oh I didn't know there was a garage in here they have a premier yet they haven't shown it yet oh really yes oh so all those pictures are fake yeah but they're definitely at least know kind of what it looks like I think there's been leaks.

Let's see leaked Ford Bronco pics. Leaked nude Ford Bronco pics. There's one that they released, though, if I remember correctly. Well, that was their website. It says they're not showing anything until spring. Oh. CNET, everything we know. But they could show fake iPhones.

Oh, okay. That's pretty slick, though. If that comes out looking like that, I'm in. That's a cool car. I have a 72. Have you ever seen mine? I'll show you. I'm your friend.

You show me. Yeah, I love those old Broncos though. There's something about them. It's like a time machine. Yeah, they're cool. It's like a very Americana. Next time we're at the store, you come sit in my Civic. I've got leather seats.

Oh my God. Animals died for your seats? That's kind of fucked up. What kind of monster are you? Just a regular American. Oh yeah? Is your headliner made out of like

mink dicks? I don't have a headliner. What are you talking about? The top. You do. Oh, it's definitely felt. It's not fully leather. I'm not driving a cow.

It's like some sort of felt. Some sort of felt. It's in pristine condition. I believe you. It's already three o' I'm not driving a cow. It's like some sort of felt. Some sort of felt. It's in pristine condition. I believe you. It's already three o'clock. Believe it or not. I'm going to crawl back over the hill. Yeah.

We had a good fucking time. I love you. I love coming on the show. I love every opportunity I get to see you at the store. I love you too. I love you too. We're friends. I'm glad we're friends.

Tell everybody about your special. It's called Unveiled. And it's currently streaming on Netflix. For the last like two weeks? Yeah. It should be on your homepage. If not, feel free to look for it. It's pretty fucking metal.

There's blood. There's fire. And it's the only special out there like it. Eliza Schlesinger, ladies and gentlemen. Holla at your boy. Bye, everybody.

Bye. bye everybody goodbye