The Joe Rogan Experience - #1405 - Sober October 3 Recap

Episode Date: December 24, 2019

Joe is joined by Ari Shaffir, Bert Kreischer & Tom Segura to recap their 3rd annual Sober October challenge.

You'll be fine. One cigar, I'm fucking gone for a week. Shut up. You'll be fine. Oh, he needs an excuse. Boom. And we're live. Okay.

So, the last few weeks, we've been getting these annoying text messages from Ari where everything's in Spanish. Everything. Everything. I'm like, what is this? How long is this joke going to go? En escuela. And then he gets here with a backpack on.

Like, where you been? I was in Medellin. Medellin. He was doing, you were doing a Spanish immersion thing? Yeah, 100% Spanish. I brought back these Cuban cigars. Medellin. You were doing a Spanish immersion thing? Yeah, 100% Spanish. I brought back these Cuban cigars. Wow. Yeah, in Colombia.

Did you have any Spanish speaking lessons before you went to Colombia? Cero. You know what that means? It sounds like zero. It does sound like zero. It's a pretty close language. A lot of it's pretty close. So zero?

No, I had nothing. Cero is zero? Yo hablo espanol tambien. Claro. All right. You also understand a little bit. Tom, you're doing a podcast. Yeah, yeah.

This is his Me Too back party. Like when Tom gets Me Too'd in America, he's going to go run. To a country where they don't care. This is his insurance policy. I'm setting up the escape plan right now, man. Other countries are like, what's the problem? The Latin countries would have no problem. I've had this conversation multiple times.

How Latin people are like, me what? We were talking to his cousin who lives in Peru. He called his cousin, and there's a term Latinx, which is not Latino or Latina. It's a gender neutral way of saying Latin. Yeah. And he says to his cousin in Spanish, you know, ¿Tú sabes Latinx? And he's like, oh, maricón?

Yeah. He goes, he's like, I try to, he goes, what? And I'm like, you know, it's a gender neutral. So you're saying He goes like a faggot And I was like You're like Come on

That's not exactly What I'm saying My teacher We were talking about Like parents Something like that And there was like The word for parents

Is just like Fathers Pretty much So then it's like What if you have two mothers Do you call it madres As parents Instead of like

You know If it's just father It's padre If it's just like, you know, if it's just father, it's padre. If it's just mother, it's madre. But if it's parents, it's padres. Right. So I'm like, do, if it's just like gay, and they're like,

she was like, no, still padres. And then, you know, that's okay these days. It's okay. It was her day, as boring as she could be. Like, that's fine though.

Yeah. What country do you think is most in the dark ages with wokeness? Russia. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What country do you think is most in the dark ages with wokeness? Russia. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Russia, they make laws about gay people.

They did for the Olympics. Iran has, according to their leader, 0% homosexual population. Yeah, Iran's worse than Russia because Russia has people that are outside of the control of the government that are just freely speaking, that are talking about homosexual problems and like Pussy Riot. Remember when Pussy Riot was getting – A lot of shit. Yeah. They're fucking hot. You like that?

Yeah. I got to think about that. Make them dirty. I think like – Arrested chicks right out of jail. Russia doesn't fuck around, dude. No. At all.

They don't fuck around. They don't fuck around. At all. Russia doesn't fuck around, dude No, they don't fuck around They don't fuck around At all You know, like There's a kind of a

I don't know Selling, like A point from them That it's They're trying to be Progressive thinkers Like some of them Will disguise it as that

But they're definitely They're not fucking around, dude Someone from Russia Some government agency Made a tweet about Freedom of the press What'd they say? about uh freedom of the press what they say about respecting uh respecting the press and appreciating the press and someone some journal said this is a country

that has literally like this administration has literally been responsible for murders of dozens of people that are that are journalists yeah, when people would report on them or people would, running against certain members of the government, they would just whack them. Sure. In broad daylight. And even more disappearances,

which is slang for murders. Yeah. Like, that person's just gone. We haven't seen them. We just don't want to explain it. So, I don't know. I can't wait to go back and see how much it's changed.

Are you going back? Yeah, I'm doing a tour there. Oh, Jesus Christ. They're going to kidnap you for sure. My kids are like, we want to go too. I how much it's changed like you're going back yeah i'm doing a tour there oh jesus i'm gonna kidnap you for sure my kids are like we want to go too i was like fuck that but yeah but i but to hang out with russian guys and ask them questions that i asked when i was in college like i remember asking them about black people and they were like oh no no no they don't they can't be here roy jones j. is a Russian citizen. What? Roy Jones Jr.? No, like a legit Russian citizen. This was 1995, just to be fair. Roy Jones Jr. has been

going over to Russia for a long time. He's a giant star over there. They love him. Are you fucking serious? I'm thinking of Roy Woods. That's a comic? I'm like, what the fuck? How hilarious. Look at it. Roy Jones Jr. With Putin

He looks like Putin's shaking his hand too hard He's trying to get it away Maybe Perhaps I don't think so But he's over there all the time He's got a fucking Russian passport No shit

I'd like that Listen dude They threw that Triple A Punana At him That triple A Russian punana That that AAA punana at him. That AAA Russian punana.

That's that smile. Look at him smiling. Yeah. Yeah, he knows. He's fought over there a bunch of times, too. Fought over there fairly recently. How long are you going

to be there for, Brad? I don't know. Just like probably two weeks, maybe. I don't know. You going to do shows? Yeah. I'm excited.

Schultz did a bunch of shows there. Who did? Andrew Schultz. Did he in Russia? Yeah, yeah. Schultz did a bunch of shows there Who did? Andrew Schultz Did he in Russia? Yeah yeah He put some of it online It was hilarious

I bet Gaffigan has too He's done shows fucking Everywhere Everywhere Has he? Nobody plays more plays than Jim Gaffigan Yeah he just announced He's doing a Latin American tour

In English Oh shit In English Yeah Of course He goes everywhere Everywhere Wow

Dude what's the guy that ran 25 marathons in 25 days? Eddie Izzard? Eddie Izzard did shows in German and doesn't speak German. He does that in French, too. He just memorized the language. He just memorized how the words would go. Whoa. I've been trying to tell the machine in Spanish, and I know Spanish, but it's fucking still

hard as fuck. Eddie Izzard is a savage. Do you want to know what it takes to run 26 marathons in a row when you don't even run? Day after day? Day after day. I mean, there's videos of it where they show his feet, where he takes his socks off.

Literally, his skin is falling off the meat. I mean, his skin is raw and open, and they're taping it up and bandaging shit. I mean, he can't even stand. And he's running 26 miles every fucking day. That's a different mindset. Just from Will. He's a really interesting guy.

I had him in on the podcast. He's in full woman's regalia. But he says, but I fancy the ladies. He fancies girls. He just likes dressing like a woman. But he's a man. But he's transgender. He stopped for a while, too. He dressed like that, then he stopped dressing like that. He does whatever, but he's a man. But he's transgender. He stopped for a while, too.

He dressed like that, then he stopped dressing like that. He does whatever the fuck he wants, man. I love that guy. I really like him, too. I really like talking to him. He's interesting. He's a brilliant dude. A really smart dude.

Yeah, but also the kind of will that you have to have. Yeah, that's what stands out. Why would he do that? He's an animal. But he did, and he also, wasn't it charity, right? He did that, and he did one in South Africa. It was an area where he wanted to run. Like, listen to me.

If you run through there, they're going to kill you. Like, you can't run through there. We're going to pick you up in a car. We're going to take you past that, and then we're going to follow you in cars. We can't even be with you in a car while you're running or they'll kill you. What? In South Africa? Bro, this part's in South Africa.

They're rough, you know? Yeah, you think? I've been to those. Apparently, like, carjacking down there is just out of fucking control. Bro, we were in South Africa. There he is. We spent the night in a shantytown. I went in and I brought soccer balls.

I brought like 40 soccer balls for all the kids, right? Because we were going to play soccer with them. So I brought a big truck full of soccer balls. This is on Travel Channel. I roll in with like 40 fucking soccer balls, and their coach loses his fucking mind. Just shy of hitting me with a machete. He's like, what the fuck are you doing? You're going to give every kid in here a soccer ball?

He goes, they'll all get fucking murdered on the way home because someone will kill them for their soccer ball. And I was like, what the fuck are you doing? You're going to give every kid in here a soccer ball? He was like, they'll all get fucking murdered on the way home because someone will kill them for their soccer ball. And I was like, sorry. And he's like, take them the fuck out of here. So then we spent the night, right? Murdered for a soccer ball. Dude, it's a shanty town. Soccer balls got value there.

Especially, think of all the, I mean, we spent the night, we partied that night. It was like one of these little teams. Wait a minute, this story just got weird. We partied with the kids? No, no of these little teams. Wait a minute. This story just got weird. We partied with the kids. No, no, no. In the shanty town. It was fucking crazy, dude. It was like out of belly.

Everyone's sweaty. Everyone's dark, dark, dark. It was fucking badass. Did you get malaria? No, I was on those pills. I was dreaming crazy. Dreams. We woke up the next day.

I'm outside having coffee in my little shanty thing. Guy comes sprinting down the street street and a mob is chasing him. And I'm like, what the fuck? And our handler's like, oh, yeah. And I go, what? And he goes, I heard about that. He stole a pillow. And I was like, he stole a pillow?

And then I get he stole a pillow. Don't worry, they'll get him. They're going to necklace him. I go, what? And he goes, there's justice here. They put a tire around his neck and light him on fire. I go, for a fucking pillow? I was like, all right, wrap it.

We're done. I'm getting the fuck out of here. I'm not spending another second here. Why would you risk that for a pillow? Have you ever had a great pillow, though? Like when they're... Oh, and they remember you? Air memory foam ones?

Yeah, but they don't have too much give. They're not too strong. And you go like, I'm not leaving this pillow for shit. I'll take it back. If someone steals this pillow from me, I'm lighting them on fire. I see both sides now. Yeah. Brazil was sketchy.

We went into the favelas in Brazil and got lost at sunset. What? What are you doing? It's a travel channel i just beautiful way to die it was we took motorcycles up we took motorcycles up and then we gave our we weren't taking them back down so we gave guys on motorcycles our helmets and they were fucking through the roof as soon as we gave them our helmet helmets you could see their attitude change and they were like don't stay up here and we're like what and they're like don't no matter

what they say don't stay up here we're gonna spend the night in the favelas favela yeah they have a great they have a great there's one luxury hotel no they have a great hotel in a favela that like man someone would know if you had done this traveling you'd remember more i don't remember a shit about travel channel because we were doing so much different shit and you were drunk yeah oh i was hammered in this favela. It was fucking awesome, dude. We went and played. You're just not supposed to go there.

No, we went in, and we got lost, and we found this soccer game with these kids, and it was like the buildings started. This is with a camera crew? No, we didn't have a camera crew, so we got lost. Me and the two travelers got lost. Oh, Jesus.

He brought guests? Yeah. And they're like, we're going to be fine. We're on TV. They don't know what a fucking favela is. No, they're like, we're going to be fine. We're on TV. They don't know what a fucking favela is. They're from Indiana.

We're fine. Everything's fine. They're from Denver. Bert's our friend. I can't believe we're on TV. Yeah. And then the camera crew found us and they filmed us playing soccer with the kids and then they're like, hey, we've got to get the fuck out. And I was like, no, let's go back to the hotel. Best view of Brazil you'll ever get. It's on the mountain, right back to the hotel best view of best view of brazil you'll ever get on the mountain right

it's the best view of brazil that's the weird thing about the favelas they're it's like the hollywood hills they're above looking down yeah at this beautiful village we went with uh for rio with the ufc and they were like do not go there yeah do not go there. Yeah, do not. Yeah, and then we didn't, and then Jon Jones was up there the whole weekend. He was? Yeah. He's dancing every single time. It was before he was a champ, I think. Oh, no, he was just hanging out.

No, he was a champ. He was already the champ? Yeah, he was just hanging there. Fuck, man. I guess he thought he could beat him in a one-on-one. Did you stay in a nice place in Medellin? Yeah, with a balcony. Oh, in Medellin? Yeah. No a balcony. Oh, in Medellin?

Yeah. No, it's a homestay with the family. Oh, wow. Wow. What a lucky family. Wow. Full immersion, huh? Yeah, full immersion.

And then Sobrino. So how good is your Spanish now? Is it passable? Can you go somewhere and talk to people? So I could order food. I could ask where the bus is. Are you going to continue this education? Are you going to take classes?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I want to this education? Are you going to take classes? Yeah. I want to eventually, next time I take a sabbatical, I want to go through South America for a while. Damn, son. Looking to get killed. No. It's safe. MediEats is super safe now.

Is it? Yeah. Parts of it are really poor. That's where I was. Oh, that's my picture. I was right over there. That guy was there. It's the same weather.

It's the same weather. That's hilarious. That's your own picture. You're like, what the fuck? It says Ari Shaffir hashtag. I like that a second common is bird is fat. Hashtag baby Jesus. Second common, bird is fat.

And a narc. That's hilarious, man. That's the one. Matty, Jen Duck. We went to the cathedral. I like that there was some reason for you to text we were all reading your text what the fuck kind of bit is this

I don't know what this joke is I don't like it yeah it was an immersion I had to try to speak no English as much as I could that's interesting man it's fun doing that kind of shit that's the way to do it man I was always off balance they were speaking about grammatical shit That's interesting, man. It's fun doing that kind of shit. Yeah, it was really cool. That's the way to do it, man.

And it was like, I was always off balance. They were speaking about grammatical shit. And I was like, and first of all, I haven't been in school for 25 years. Yeah. So even just that alone was difficult. Tell us about this family that was blessed enough to have you stay with them for a month. Oscar, Adriana, and their Sabrina. Cuantos años dos niñas, eh? month. And Adriana and their Sabrina jumped in. How old are those girls?

Yeah, it was weird. The first day I got there, we just sat there and stared at each other. I had nothing. So why did they let you in?

The homestay? Yeah. They make money through the school. The school finds homestays for people that are like... And they just do a

background check on you or no? No. No. No. Joe, Joe, no. Clearly no. Clearly no. They didn't even fucking Google him, apparently.

They're like, ¿Cómo está, Molly? Molly? ¿Cómo se dice, Rufy? ¿Cómo se dice, yo también or me too? Este es drogadicto. I didn't have time for drugs When I went people were like You're gonna find cocaine

I was like I guess I should But it was like 9am every day I didn't have time for drugs That's hilarious You had to go into like The other parts Did you see Did you visit some

Escobar shit Yeah the cathedral The cathedral There's a big hike That starts where his prison was And there's an old age home There now And they have signs up there

And it was like This has nothing to do with him You shouldn't be visiting here anyway he was a garbage man who fucking killed a bunch of people and he goes and you're awful tourists you leave trash everywhere there's like signs made for that whoa they're right you call this culture in your in your country where you leave trash around me well narcos must have changed everything for them right it became glamorous almost like tony montana yeah I mean, that guy who played it. What is that guy's name

who played Escobar in Narcos? In Narcos? He's a Brazilian actor. Yeah, they got mad that he wasn't Colombian. He's fucking great. He's great. Find you a Colombian guy

who's smoking weed the whole time. That dude didn't speak Spanish when he took that role. Oh, that's right. Portuguese. He only spoke Portuguese. So close, though. Yeah, but I mean, like,

you can... It's not even close at all. It is close. It's not even remotely. Yeah, but I mean, like, you can... It's not even close at all. It is close. It's not even remotely. No, I have Brazilian friends who can speak a little bit of basketball Spanish. You can pick up on some things. For real, I feel like Italian is closer to Spanish than Portuguese. Italian is definitely closer than Portuguese.

Is it? Yeah, Portuguese is almost Asian. Italian is close to Spanish. Yeah. Because I took both in college. I don't remember much of it. I don't think Portuguese is a Latin language. It is.

It is a Latin language. For real? Yeah. Yeah. For sure. But it's definitely, like, if someone gets, like, going in Portuguese and speaks Spanish, you definitely don't know a fucking thing. Portuguese is beautiful.

They have such a song to it. It's like a sing-song. Like, I always love listening to Brazilian guys talk. It sounds just, yeah. It's his name. It's his name. Wagner Moura. That sounds Portuguese.

Yeah. Dude, the guy who played. Seasonoura. That sounds Portuguese. Yeah. Dude, the guy who played. Season one, you hear him speak. You note that he definitely. Has an accent. Oh, a heavy non-Spanish accent. Season two, he definitely got better. You could tell he's been speaking for a while.

Did you hear the location scout for Narcos got killed by the. Wasn't that for the third season? Maybe. For the Mexican season? for the mexican season right the mexican one the mexicans are not fucking around not playing they're like what you guys think russians do shit check us out check this out here's a head we don't even know what was that a few weeks ago they they just uh the mormons yeah yeah yeah yeah well there's a mormon cup there's a couple of mormon colonies colonies that left America in the 1800s when they made polygamy illegal.

Including, by the way, homeboy from fucking Massachusetts. The guy running for president. What the fuck's his name? Dean Del Rey. It's on the tip of my tongue. Dean Del Rey? Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney.

Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney's father was a brilliant guy but could never be president because he was born in Mexico. Mitt Romney's family is from Mexico because they're part of the original clan that left, the clan of Mormons that wanted to fuck 80 wives. And so they moved across the border and they developed these colonies. And so they literally have armed guards to stop them from the cartel. Wow. And the cartel just assassinated these women and children fuck man nine people just gunned them down yeah the guy popeye from that show one of the murders he's still out and does

tours of the cathedral all those places and he will put a gun to your head a loaded gun and let you take a picture oh he killed jesus so many people oh my god so so many people dude he did a full turn fuck is taking a gun selfie with that guy oh he's a celebrity there i when i was in australia i was fucking wasted and i came out of some bar i was with my my tour manager really a body's a hell's angel guy i'm fucking stumbling out of a bar and this guy comes up with a gun and he goes hey Bert can you take a picture

holding a gun to my head and I was like yeah and I just took a picture holding a gun to his head my tour manager was like what the fuck are you doing and I was like I don't know

I just fucking left there will be a picture of me holding a gun to someone's head he's like don't worry it's not loaded and I'm like it's your fucking head man

you're like I didn't care I just went out I was so fucking wasted Jesus Christ. They actually made a whole series about Popeye. About Popeye? You can see it on Netflix.

Just about that guy? Yeah, but it's a dramatization. That's the guy? That's the real guy, yeah. That's the real guy. On one of the pieces of glass, he signed Popeye

in like the dust. So he was Escobar's right hand man. And he's got 1.18 million subscribers yeah oh my god he's in jail right now i just googled it right now he's back he got arrested in may i don't know oh so but he was he's been out for a while he served like 15 20 years um in colombian prison which is like a fucking unless you's not where you want to be in jail.

In prison with Escobar. Well, that's the thing. That was a different thing. He did that, too. He was in the cathedral. So that cathedral, great view. Yeah. It's awesome.

You see the whole Medellin below you. It's an amazing jail. Dude, he would bring in... A helicopter pad? Yeah. He would bring in the Colombian national soccer team and be like,

play with me today And they were like Okay Because if we don't Like that's a problem Yeah Like so the National team

Would just play It'd be like I want the Lakers here now And they're like They're here Ready to play They are They're ready

They had a game tonight But they canceled it Did you guys see what happened With the cartel in Mexico Where they had El Chapo's son They had him arrested And then the fucking cartel got in a shootout with the Mexican That was this year. Yeah.

And they released him. Yeah. That's how strong. Yeah, yeah. At some point, you got to be like, this isn't worth it. Yeah. Well, what was really crazy, I've got this guy, Ed Calderon, who's been on my podcast before.

He's coming on again. He's one of the guys that works with the Mexican military to deal with situations that are caused by the cartel. And he said that there was a situation with Trump because Trump was saying that they were going to treat the Mexican cartel like a terrorist organization. And they were going to literally, because those Mormons got killed. And they were going to start literally a military operation to go after the cartel. So this is at least on the table. This is on the table. At least on the table.

And they were talked out of it by the Mexican government. I wonder what type of firepower they actually have. They must have tanks. I'm saying people think, well, they definitely have some big guns. I bet they have shit that you. They have billions and billions of dollars. Yes. Billions of dollars.

Billions. Hundreds of billions of dollars. Yeah. Who knows how much money they have? Yeah. I mean, imagine if you're like the middleman between the cartel and, you know, whatever, Saudi arms dealer. And you're just like, we can't sell you stuff. And they're like, here's fucking $16 billion.

Bro, how crazy is Sean Penn? I was just thinking that. Sean Penn went down there to write an article for Rolling Stone, went and met with El Chapo, and he's one of the reasons why El Chapo got caught, right? He's the reason El Chapo got caught. Oh, yeah. Bro.

What do you mean the reason he got caught? Because they followed him. He went with the actress. El Chapo loved this Mexican actress. And he was like, I want to meet her. So look at him. He's palling around with El Chapo. Dude, I want that shit so bad.

I would love to meet Kim Jong-un like that. You've got to get that shirt. You could totally pull that shirt off. I could definitely pull that shirt off. Did you ever see when Conor McGregor bought that same shirt and was taking pictures? He was? With that same pose? Really?

Conor was doing the same pose and not telling anyone. And so everybody had to figure out what the fuck Conor was doing. Look at him. Look at his face. That might be my favorite thing ever. He's just a fucking animal. God damn, I love that guy. Come on, man.

Pretty fucking close. There's nothing better in the world than a joke that no one gets but you. He wasn't explaining it at all. And people picked up on it. It's just the handshake thing. I mean, Connor is normally putting his fist in people's faces and talking shit. And in that one, he's got his hand out like he's going to shake hands. Look at this.

It's like the same thing. He's holding his hand out. Dos Anjos isn't even thinking about shaking his hand. He's not even looking to get his hand shaken. Look at Dana White. Dana White's going, I'm going to make so much money. Oh, my God. I'm going to make so much money from this.

Didn't Conor McGregor's fight already sell out? The cowboy fight? Yeah. Sure. Sold out. $10 million at the gate. Sure. You guys want to go?

Yes. Yes. Yes. I'll get up. January 18th. Ooh, is it a week? I'm free on the 18th. You know what?

I could cancel Australia. Jamie's going. Jamie, you're going, right? You should cancel Australia. This is the one thing I'm going to take you up on. I definitely want to go. For the first time? No, no.

I've been before. You went, finally. Yeah. Oh, dude. I was going to take you up on. I definitely want to go first time. No, no. I've been before. You went, finally. Yeah. Oh, dude. I was thinking you should only cancel Australia. You should never do it. And every two years, plan a tour and then cancel it. I get so many messages about it.

When is your shows in Australia? I leave here the 14th. Why don't you move them? Yeah. Just make a call to your agent. That's why we have agents, right? Listen, it's another country They won't even notice

That's true They don't watch this right No Alright Birdie boy world tour Picks up January 30th everybody New material What is birdie boy

That's what my kids call me My kids and my wife Everyone calls me birdie boy Oh birdie boy Yeah Just put tickets Added shows everyone Go to burpurtburp.com

Look at that There's a plug. We didn't even see it coming. Tom was better with his plug about Australia. Good job, buddy. Still got to sell tickets, huh? It's been sold out for a while. That dance video didn't hurt, did it?

Sorry, bitch. How did you respond when you saw yourself get stabbed? I was a little confused. And then I was like, I was like, was that me? It was very aggressive. Very aggressive. I didn't understand the carrot either. What was up with the carrot?

It's from Steven Seagal. That's who I was dressed as. Right, I know that. The president of Belarus gave him a carrot. It's like the Connor thing. The president of Belarus gave him a carrot one time. And then Seagal just ate it on camera. It's just weird.

So I just started it with the carrot. You had the same outfit and everything, and the fucking hair, the glasses. And the hair, the fucking jet black hair. That hair is so ridiculous. It's like 62 in this car. Do you remember when we were in the whoops, and you said, one day, Tom, your numbers were through the roof. And he was like, yeah, I got lost in the canyons.

And you were filming the thing that day? It was when he was filming, and he was dancing all day it was my uh my what's it called on whoop it's your exertion the activity level right 19.8 that day yeah you know like it was uh 5800 calories burned it was fucking it was killer well you remember that one day where i burned 6 000 calories you're like what the fuck? It's elk hunting. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just running all day. Just going up the mountains. Just hauling gear.

10 hours a day. That's how you got us in the strap the year before. Yeah. All day long. Well, I got you because I'm a psycho. Really. I was going to get you no matter what. I told you guys, you got to be ready to die.

But I told them. That's why we wanted you in the dance video. We wanted to see what you would do. Joe, Joe, I'm telling you right now. Hey, Joe. You will break the two of us in half crying laughing if just one day on your own you film some dance video that's better than ours. You realize.

That's good. Keep going like that. And then surprise us. Surprise us. I like the way you're rolling it It's cute It's cute I laughed so hard

Ari and I actually talked about it Ari had a great idea About doing one? Yeah Ari had a great idea Us recreating the scene From Dirty Dancing Me and him

Beat for beat God That's exactly What we're talking about Yeah Just guys Just take a weekend It all takes a weekend

Well I would have to catch him He's not gonna catch me. No shit We weigh like a buck seventy at least right? Yeah around 75 so a buck seventy like that That's a lot of weight man. You got to be prepared. I would have to train for that You have to train for it. I'd have to do a lot of heavy kettlebells You know because that's dead weight. Here it is. This is Ari and Santa. Okay, this is awkward. I'm crying laughing.

I'm crying laughing. This is going to be a problem no matter what because he's a foot taller than me. You've got to wear that dress. I already have the dress. And the nose. The nose is close. He'd kiss me though. The problem is if we got that close Ari would sneak in a kiss. Miss Gray is. Noses are close. Yeah. He'd kiss me, though. The problem is, if we got that close,

R would sneak in a kiss. You definitely would. And I'd throw up in his face. Joe. Joe. Keep going. Look at this. You guys got to do this.

Not doing it. Dude, I learned how to dance for that fucking Zookeeper movie. It was a long two weeks of learning, and I got to dance with Leslie Bibb, who's hot and cool.

I'm hot. I'm cool. I'm cool. You're cool. All right. At least give me cool. I wish Jennifer Grey didn't get her nose fixed. Yeah. Her and Renee Zellweger.

Well, Renee Zellweger did some weird stuff, right? Like, she's a different human. I don't know. You know who else? She was great in that fucking movie about Judy Garland. All right. She was great. She was amazing.

Did you see Meg Ryan? Like, you know how she went away like her? Oh, yeah. She had a bunch of stuff. And then she looked totally different. I heard she was great. Did you see Meg Ryan? You know how she went away like her? Oh, yeah. And then you saw her and then she looked totally different. Totally different. Horrible.

Once you do the lips, man. No, she didn't look horrible. She just looked so different. She looked unrecognizable as herself. Yeah, lips. You do your lips. It's like the Fibonacci

sequence is all off. Yeah. You look at someone's lips. Their lips are off. You're like, hey, what the? Like, I didn't know Eliza had a nose job. She was explaining to me that she had a nose job.

And I go, oh, well, it's a fucking good one. So I paid a lot of money for it. Wow, yes. See, this is what happens when women get the facelift. Their mouth gets too big. Right. Yeah, because you're pulling your mouth on the sides. So the hole is larger than your mouth.

Right? So you have this. Wow. She was beautiful. She was so beautiful was so beautiful so hot in the presidio is that like that right then oh it's rough being a lady man you know because yeah when you're a guy and you get older you're just a guy who's older when you're a woman you're you're all your power's gone right all the doors are open for you because you're attractive you're beautiful yeah you know and our plastic surgery works the guys that have plugs doesn't no hold on bullshit the guys who have hair transplants today the new ones you're gonna fucking tell yeah but depends on

your hair right i have thin hair it's fine my hair is fine so when i got a hair transplant even when i had it it was still ratty and it kept falling out. At a certain point in time, I had to make a decision. That Bill Burr bit where he's like, get it today, not 20 years ago, and it looks like you got ant's legs stapled to your forehead. I got it before that. I mean, after that. I didn't know you had them done before. I have a giant fucking scar in the back of my head, so it's a smile.

It looks like somebody axed him. It's a public service announcement for anybody thinking about getting a hair transplant. I go, look at my head. Don't do that. Look at my head. Don't do that. Look at your head. Don't do that. Tom's thinking about it. He's beautiful.

He doesn't need that. He wants me to give him my hair. Yes. Ball hair. Because he's like, you got so much hair, Bert. Imagine if you just did your ball hair. My ball hair is so thick. My ball hair goes all the way up to my belly button.

If I just took my ball hair and put it on my head, it would go whoop. You should do it. Your ball hair can reach to your belly button oh dude when i don't shave i'm a gorilla my back is hairy everything's hairy it's as i get older i'm hairier my ears are hairy now i have to trim my fucking your ears yeah my ears yeah i keep you know what it is is like i'm like the fuck is going on with my itching start scratching i'm like god damn something and then it's a hair yeah it's the hair like tickling your as you get older you become more of a gorilla.

My ass hairs tie together when I run from cheek to cheek like a bridge. I have to take my finger and swipe it out. You know what I've done? You definitely smell that finger. Only three times in my life. For sure. For sure. A hundred percent.

He says he doesn't smell his bad parts. What do you mean? Did he get inside the belly button? I smell everything. Okay. Oh, you fucking liar. Yeah, I always just try to make you look worse. I shaved my asshole three times in my life, and every time I'm amazed at what my farts

sound like. Oh. It's all the same. That is the most insightful. It's crazy. I got a full Brazilian wax one time. Whoa. And for a TV show.

Your farts all of a sudden, like, who's farting in my pants? How about wiping? It's like, whoo. Yeah, you're like, oh. Dude, I try to hold my shit until I get to the studio because of these goddamn bidets. Yeah. Oh, the toilet seats with the electric. Oh, my God.

It's amazing. It's amazing. Hot, warm water squirting up your butthole. You don't have that at home? It's always clean. No, I need to get it. You got to do it. I know.

I'm slipping. We ordered it, too. I have it. I just haven's always clean. No, I need to get it. You got to do it. I know, I'm slipping. We ordered it too. I have it. I just haven't had it installed yet. I've just been too busy. I've used yours. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, it's amazing. It's amazing. It's amazing. When I have it at home, and then I'm home for like 10 days, and then you go on the road, you're like, I'm a monster. I'm a fucking monster. You're smearing shit. You're not even cleaning it.

No. When I got my Brazilian wax wax i remember the first time i farted it was like my asses were clap ass cheeks were clapping yeah it goes and you're like shut the fuck up what's happening with the hair yeah hair is muffling your fart yeah it's so weird you're the first person i ever said because no one's ever can relate to that and i've always said man my farts were so fucking loud that's because your other friends are grown-ups did you have a scientist on here yesterday biologists and shit people looking for lost species hey do you let the water on the bidet go into your asshole sometimes in there and i have the shit and then it goes out you can like almost like flush it out if i have

a shit that's kind of halfway stuck i'm gonna go take a shit, and then I start cleaning. I'm like, I think there's more up there. And so I'll just really concentrate that jet right in my butthole. And it gets in there, and then I'll say, yikes! It's like there was a castaway. There was some hidden shit that was trying to hang out in there. Yep. I love that.

It breaks the O-ring? You take a sloppy shit, and you're like, ugh. And then you let it run a full cycle. A full cycle. And then you wipe, and there's something still there. You're like, and then you let it run a full cycle. Full cycle. And then you wipe and there's something still there. You're like, I got problems. That's a problem. That's what I've been a problem in 97.

That's the problem with hair. Sometimes I wipe it with hair and the width of the smear is so disgusting that I just take a shower. I'm like, what is- I go straight to shower. Shit showers are cool. You shit shower all the time. You go with no wiping.

No wipe. You're fucking it. No wipe. I wipe first. Why? Because it's too much. I don't want shit in the floor. You don't leave it there. It goes down.

You're fucking out of your mind. You're not cleaning it good, though. Cleaning what? You don't clean the floor. You got shit bacteria on your floor. Stomp, stomp. Stomp. Stomp through the drain.

Joey Diaz told me a story once about how he had to take a shit, so he took a shit in the bathtub, and then he had to smush it with his foot to get it to go down the drain, and it all wouldn't go down. It doesn't, it's too bad to use the toilet. Dude, he told me a few times. Do you remember those logs he used to leave? He used to leave logs, and he'd say, come look at this. And he would go in there. No, no, when he was really big.

He couldn't, his ass pushed him from the front of the toilet, so he couldn't get all the way back there. So his giant shits would land on the beach in front of the water. They didn't land on the water. So they never really flushed. Oh, my God. So you just see them, and they're like. He sends me photos. Oh, all the time.

Now that he texts, he's texting like a fucking ninth grader. Yeah, yeah. He's like, yo, you see the monkey on this chick? Yeah, he sends me photos. Oh, all the time. Still, yeah. All the time. Now that he texts, he's texting like a fucking ninth grader. Yeah, yeah. He's like, yo, you see the monkey on this chick? Yeah, he sends me pictures. Everything. Dude, my shits in Colombia from all the just the greasy, oily

banuelos and chicharrones, it was the consistent, first of all, many times a day, and it was just consistent, it was just... Probably healthy. Like, soft sir, like... It was like if you fed a puppy

Too many treats Bro When Marshall was a puppy One thing that happens To some dogs Is when they're babies They try to eat their shit And so he was shitting

And trying to eat it At the same time So he'd spin around In a circle And try to bite it As it was coming out Of the hole So he was trying to eat it

Right out of the tap Right out of his to eat it right out of the tap. Right out of his ass. Joey told me one time that he was about shitting in the shower. He was like, yeah, it was great. I did it all the time. I was like, you fucking shit in the shower? He's like, yeah. He goes, if it's like a log, I just shit and then I just toss it to the toilet.

I was like, come on. No way. And then I just toss it to the toilet. And I was like, come on. Oh, no way. He said that. How much practice does he have in doing that? You must have missed before.

You throw a crumpled piece of paper. You go for the can and you miss. Oh, missing that. Missing would be so bad. He said that. I go, did you stop? That's so fucking revolting. He goes, I had to.

Why? My wife saw me do it one time. No more. My wife saw me do it one time. Oh my God. With shit in her hand. Oh my God, it's hilarious. I didn't want to live in the bathtub.

I farted once in the shower and I shit all over the place. You did? I wasn't feeling the bathtub. I farted once in the shower, and I shit all over the place. You did? Yeah. I wasn't feeling that good, and I farted just all over the floor. But I have one of those handheld jammies, and I just had to rinse it down. I was in that shower for like a half an hour, and then I squirt shampoo all over the bottom. This will do it. This will clean it.

It's like it's a murder scene. And then I left. And then I came back in just to get a fresh smell of it. Yeah. Because, you know, olfactory senses are weird because they don't detect smell. They detect changes in smell. That's right. That's why people in Pennsylvania who live near those cattle ranches.

They don't smell anymore. They don't smell shit anymore. Right. Because if you go to, like, my parents used to live in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. And I used to go to drive to visit them from the city oh my god there's a stretch that you drive it's all just cattle ranches just horrible fucking smell I'll be there on the pretty boy tour it smells like what they'll be happy there it smells like death and shit because two things that

are happening there slaughterhouses andhouses and fucking cow shit. So you just get this. Look, that methane stuff that they talk about, like being a contributor to greenhouse gases, that's fucking legit. 100%. And apparently they can do something about that if they just add a certain amount of seaweed to a cow's diet. You just blew my mind. So smell is, it's the change in smell that you notice.

It's not the smell. Right. That's why people stink. Don't notice they stink. That's also why when you smoke a joint, you don't notice it. But everybody else around you, they come, oh my God, you guys are high as fuck. They come in the room and they smell weed. Why Indian people can live in Indian people's homes.

Oh, you piece of shit. Bro, it's curry. It's not bad. I had Indian food tonight. I love Indian food. First time I ever had, I never had Indian food when I was in Russia. We got lap dances from these strippers and they had all eaten Indian food. I'd never smelled curry before.

Farting on you? Because I'd only grown up in Florida. We didn't have Indian restaurants and I lived in Tallahassee and the smell was so disgusting. I was like, these are the most disgusting smelling women I've ever been with. Cut to probably 15 years later. I'm having dinner with my wife. First time I ever had Indian food. And they bring it.

We walk in the restaurant and I go, dude, it smells like a Russian hooker. I'm about to cum in my pants. And I realize, oh, it must have been Indian food. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. So that blows my mind. It's just the change in smell that you notice. That's why when you fart.

Yeah. Right. You smell it. That's fucking awesome. You smell it for a second. Yeah, but you're also. All factory senses are designed to detect changes. You're not.

Your body, your brain sends a signal to you that you smell. To be ready for it. And that's why it doesn't affect you as much as someone else's fart. No, there's something about the release. No, you're ready for it. This fucking is blowing my mind right now. That's why people that smell don't know they smell. To be ready for it. And that's why it doesn't affect you as much as someone else's fart. No, there's something about this fucking is blowing my mind right now. That's why people that smell don't know they smell. Well, there's also a thing

about your farts that smell good to you because there's something in your body, it's like there's something in your brain, it triggers like that you're having a relief.

It's like there's a buildup and then you smell the smell and it's like, ah, because it signifies the relief. You know that feeling when you have to fart, it's like, oh, when you're in your car and you fart and then you start wafting the smell and it's like ah because it signifies the relief that you know that feeling when you have to fart it's like oh when you're in your car and you fart and then you start wafting the smell up you're like oh not bad bro i'll fart in a pillow and take it to the face

i love my farts do you ever do you ever fart in your bed and your wife is in the bathroom you're like oh my god i gotta get a pillow out no no no no no no that's when i go that's when i hold it down and i go hey do me a favor bad person check out the bed people tom and i are good people i know what i do is i do more theatrical stuff i'll i'll take this to the next i want to to hear your story first. Well, I do things like I'll do like leg kicks as I fart or I'll pull my legs back like I'm changing my diaper kind of position. She doesn't like it at all. She doesn't like it at all. My mom today farted for like 12 seconds.

His mom farts epic farms. Give me a fucking heads up if you're going to do this. That one that your mom did when you caught her in the kitchen and then she turns and looks at you. The look on her face was. You need to take her to a doctor. Oh. There might be something going on.

Standard. Operating procedure. A foot of extra intestines. All life. Wow. All her life. I'm telling you, today she broke it easily. And I go, why don't you fucking tell me so I can record it?

And she goes, give me $150,000. $150,000. Give me $150,000. Tom, I'll give her $150,000. It's pretty impressive. Hold on. Let's hear this. Let's hear this. Let's hear this. Oh,000. $150,000. Tom, I'll give her $150,000 for that vibe. It's pretty impressive. Hold on. Let's hear this. Let's hear this.

Let's hear this. Oh, yeah. Go from the beginning. Hold on. Before you play, were you just randomly filming her? You weren't thinking it was coming, were you? No, no. Here's what's happened.

I said something about, I go, yeah, you think you have one? And she thought we were just bantering. You think you have one? Fart. Yeah, yeah. And I saw her just turn, and I go, oh, I think she might. And, you know, the beauty of these things is, like, pull it out, and I just hit the camera from the lock screen. And then she just didn't know.

Let me hear this. Oh, this is the loop. This is the loop. The look on her face when she turns around and she sees that camera pointed at her. That's love. Look, she's smiling right there. She's smiling right there. You're not my son anymore.

You're not my son anymore. You're not my son anymore. Oh, and I made merch that said you're not my son anymore. You're not my son anymore. You're not my son anymore. Oh, and I made merch that said, you're not my son anymore. And I would send it to the house. She got so mad. You're not my son anymore.

Oh, my God. She's the Argentinian? She's Peruvian. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. Best one I ever did is when the girls were little,

like babies, I farted in a McDonald's cup and I put my hand over it and I went, I go, I when the girls were little like babies I farted in a McDonald's cup and I put my hand over it and I went like a scoopy doof I go girls I just caught

a butterfly and they're like what and I both of them were like I don't like literally

immediately you did it to me once at the Irvine Improv oh it's a good one did you really capture a fart in a cup oh yeah

if it happens he let out like a you know when it's like you know when it's like hot death? Yeah, when you feel warm. It's warm, and then you're like, it's also rotten. This is like a rotten one. Right, right. I was across the lobby from him in the club, and he was like, hey, come here, come here, come here.

He signaled like, I got to tell you something. I go, what? And I ran up, and it just hit me like a brick to the face. Like it was. Dude. i have sometimes with my stomach i told this to tom a long time ago on our podcast i took a shit in japan once that was so bad the guy in the stall next to me threw up we were in japan i thought he was talking to me He's like I'm like I don't know what you're saying No Japanese Dude And that's

By the way That's happened twice It happened once in Denver I've made people throw up There's something so strange About public toilets Where you're shitting Inches away from

Some other person shitting Especially airports It's so weird Airports International shits Yeah You know When it's like 30 of you

just sitting there. You all came from eating in different countries. Different bacteria. That's what's so strange about those hookup spots for some creepy gay dudes where they would find a spot. Can you believe that? Yeah, they meet in toilets. Remember there was that one, was it a senator

that got busted? Yeah. Minnesota. Wait, wasn't he from Idaho? But it was in Minnesota. It was in Minnesota. But he was a senator from Idaho. And he goes, no, I was just tapping to see if he was there. He's the creepiest guy.

Craig, I think, was his last name. He's the one who, when Clinton was in trouble, he was like, Clinton has been a very naughty boy dare i say a nasty boy the weirdest thing an adult man i know you want to look at clinton but we're looking at you now somebody who says it like that you know that selection dare i say those guys were around before the internet right yeah this is probably but they probably had like there he is larry craig's wide stance arrest turns 10. oh yeah that was his thing i have a wide stance i got a wide stance oh my god he has a wide stance to go to the bathroom so he was putting his feet i overreacted and made a poor decision craig said of his guilty plea let Let me be clear. I am not gay. Why is he playing guilty then?

It's just easier, Ari. Yeah, it's easier. Whenever I shit and people get mad at me, I just say, I'm guilty. I'm guilty. You know what, guys? This is a lot easier than the paperwork. He argued that the arresting officer misconstrued his actions. What are the odds that you try to get an officer to suck

your dick? But here's the thing, though. What if an officer is one of those cops that sets up speed traps? What if you're not gay? And he's just like, I need to make a collar. I'm here looking for guys to suck my dick, and there's nothing. I haven't had a single bite. Just put your foot. Make a collar.

Just put your foot out wide. He's out there trying to fish, and he's got a fucking stick of dynamite. I'm just going to chuck this in the water. See what happens. He caught a senator. Right, he's out there trying to fish. Just put your foot out wide. Right, he's out there trying to fish, and he's got a fucking stick of dynamite. I'm just going to chuck this in the water. See what happens. He caught a senator. Wow. What a fucking land. Yeah, but here's the thing.

Yeah, what a land. If you really didn't do this, you definitely are not like that. Oh, he had some under-the-divider hand motions and played footsie in an attempt to arrange a sexual encounter. But here's the thing. Prove that. Prove that. Prove what? Prove that he's attempt to arrange a sexual encounter. But here's the thing. Prove that. Prove that. Prove what?

Prove that he's trying to arrange a sexual encounter. Maybe he just needed toilet paper. But they didn't. He just pled guilty because he panicked. Did you hear about the guy recently that got busted? He was a pastor, and he got busted trying to pay for gay sex with an Arby's card. An Arby's card? An Arby's card.

He pulled out the wrong card to an undercover officer. He was going to pay credit? Yeah. He was on a sugar daddy site. He was like, I've had a lot of sugar daddies. My sugar babies. This guy. Missouri church leader.

Tried to pay for sex on Grindr. That's what it is. With an Arby's card. Grindr is pay? Yeah, I guess so. He looks gay. Listen. Delph.

I think prostitution in the gay community Is a different animal What's the D in D? I'd like to fuck Dad? I think it's much more acceptable Don't you think? Definitely

Yeah, I mean They don't give a fuck It's more rugby rules As opposed to American football rules They're just like Whatever happens, man Let's just get the ball to that side Grab nuts in the scrum.

But also, isn't it the need for the prostitution so much less? Right? I feel like gay guys are just like,

let's just fucking fuck. Yeah, why do you have to do that thing? Because old guys, they want to fuck young guys. And these young guys don't want to fuck them. But these young guys

don't have a car. They're like, hey, I know what's up. I know how to up. Yeah. Yeah. I know how to make something happen. Remember that Patrice O'Neill story where he said he pulled over to a rest stop to get some sleep, and somebody knocked on his window at a rest stop. He was way off, away from where the store was.

And he's like, what? And the guy was like, hi. And he was like, what? And the guy's like, oh, my bad. He goes, your bad what? What are you doing here? And the guy just turned and ran away. Oh. He goes, your bad what? What are you doing here? And the guy just turned and ran away.

Well, that's the spot. Rest stops. Right? Gay guys before, they had these apps and ways to meet up. Of quality. Yeah, Craigslist. They used to have little secret spots. Yeah. Like, rest stops were always the secret spot that we were in.

That was, what was the singer, George Michael thing, right? It was like a park. Yeah. In Beverly Hills. In Beverly Hills, right? Yeah. But you know that shit had to be bumping in the fucking 80s.

Going to that park, I'm sure every gay dude in the city was like, I'll see you in BH, man. Like that has got to be the spot. Certain parts you know. Remember when the guy from-

Let's go shopping afterwards, man. Fucking Rodeo's right there. How great would that be if the day after you found out about that park you're like wait wait wait that park and you're like oh yeah yeah yeah around noon you're like restroom though right wasn't a restroom the infamous george michael bathroom i guess so yeah but is the bathroom at a park man it's gotta be fucking rough to be gay and just try to meet guys are you serious in the 90s oh in the 90s i Oh, in the 90s. I was like, what? 90s, it still must have been easy.

Remember when the rule was like, if you had a certain color handkerchief, that meant what you were into, and you would have it out of your back pocket? There was a day at Florida State, if you wore blue jeans. Just blue jeans? Just blue jeans? Yeah, it was natural coming out there. Florida people were just trying to fuck dudes. They should have something more specific than that.

Yeah. That's a mistake waiting to happen. Yeah, what if you don't get online you don't know it's like having t-shirt day and your your fucking shorts are dirty you saw i just put my blue jeans on today you know some guys are trying to fuck you hey man you know sorry i didn't have anything else to wear christina that's so crazy it is crazy christina went to uh university of san francisco she said in the 90s the i think it was it's the folsom street fair or something she was like guys would fist in the streets yeah yeah she's like i saw guys butt fucking just up on a wall the first day in new york i went out with the editor of us. And he took me to a gay bar in the meatpacking district and I saw a dude

can't be alive anymore. He had stars tattooed on his butt cheeks down to his heel like he was a big Cowboys fan, but fucking... And I saw him get fucked in the ass and I was fresh out of Florida State.

Jesus. On the street? No, no, no. In a bar. It was in a bar. He got fucked in the ass in a bar? In a bar just on this dude's lap. And I was like, wow.

Dude, I was like this. I remember the first. New York. God. I wonder if there's some gay guys that miss those days. Oh, yeah. Yes. That are like, that was when we were fucking outlaws.

Of course. The pre-AIDS days must Oh, yeah. That are like, that was when we were fucking outlaws. Of course. The pre-AIDS days must have been amazing. Jeff Scott, the piano player at the comedy store, talked about pre-AIDS when he was in a theater troupe

before AIDS and he was like, it was a fuck fest. I bet a lot of guys got into musicals that didn't even like musicals. So this is the deal. I gotta learn how to sing.

Chicago's not that bad. They probably just had to find a spot. Had to find a spot. Definitely. You gotta find, where's the deal? I gotta learn how to sing? Oh, Chicago's not that bad. They probably just had to find a spot. Had to find a spot. You gotta find, where's the spot? Where do we go? You know, like, how many guys wear cologne that actually like cologne? Zero. Zero.

They're wearing cologne because they think it might, in some way, up their chance of getting laid. Yeah. My rationale has always been, any girl that will only fuck you because you're wearing cologne, don't fuck that girl. That's a mess. Yeah. You're making a mistake.

You know, the thing is about cologne, speaking of like change in your smell, I feel like I can go like a long stretch now without like picking up on, no, cologne. Like I'll feel like I don't run into any, and then all of a sudden, someone,

a fucking Uber driver or someone, you're like, Jesus. Or you get on an elevator and you're like, dude, where are you from?

I love those people who wear so much cologne. They're trying to cover something else. You just got here? We don't do that here, man. Hey, dude. You don't wear cologne.

Cologne? No. You don't wear cologne. No. Fuck no. I wear deodorant, though. My deodorant's supposed to be cologne. That's a business I would not invest in, is Burt Kreischer cologne.

I barely wear it. I just started using toothpaste again. It smells like clean feet. Soap. Burt Kreischer cologne. Shut up. I don't like toothpaste. It fucking creeps me out.

What? Yeah, toothpaste bothers me. What do you brush your teeth with? Soap. No way. Yeah. What are Yeah, toothpaste bothers me. What do you brush your teeth with? Soap. No way. Yeah. What are you talking about?

Yeah, I'd like to... Dude, look, this is a long unpacking story. Soap's not good to have in your mouth. I don't have real teeth, so it doesn't matter. No, I mean your mouth. Like, you have a real tongue, right? Soap's not good to get in there. Wait, wait, don't glance over the real teeth. What happened to your teeth?

I got hit in the mouth with a baseball bat. You got hit in the mouth with a baseball bat? Yeah, on my 11th birthday. We just talked about this the other day, yeah. Who hit you? My dad. Look, it was... Oh, jeez.

No, I'm joking. It was a kid in the game. It was the kid batting. No, he was trying to break up the play. He was a black kid. He was sick of you talking to him like that. That's where it started. I was a catcher, and it was a pass ball.

I blocked it. I picked it up, threw my helmet off, threw it down to third, and the kid tried to break up the play and brought the bat back. It hit me in the mouth. Knocked out. Knocked out. Fucked up 26 of my teeth. Wait.

Can I ask you this? I actually forgot to ask you this. What? In that part of the story. Yeah. My 11th birthday. You're playing catcher. You throw the ball to make the play at what?

Third. Kid was stealing second to go to third. So the batter has already swung. He already swung. Okay. And now? He brings the bat back into my mouth. Oh, like he just?

Brought it back into my mouth. He thought on the spot. He's like, oh, maybe I'll pretend it's my full motion. Yeah, yeah. And brought it back into my mouth. You did it on purpose? You know, man, I never talked to the kid at all. My teeth were on home plate.

You know, you want to get real about this. This is, you want to talk about parenting. My dad came out. He's like, buddy, it's going to be okay. Your mom's here. We had a birthday party planned for me. It was my birthday. My dad, and he came out and in his hand, he had my fielder's glove.

And I went, I was like trying to get, he goes, take off the gear. Drew's going to catch, go over to shortstop. And I was like trying to get he goes take off the gear drew's gonna catch go over to shortstop and i was like i don't have any teeth he was like yeah but if i take you out now we lose the game because i can't sub before the fifth inning so go over finish the game and i go i don't have any teeth he goes don't you and this is my dad's a good dad he's not a bad guy but he was like hey don't fucking cry go out finish the inning it's one out it's one out and then we'll take you to the hospital so i went over to shortstop i don't fucking cry. Go out. Finish the inning. It's one out. It's one out. And then we'll take you to the hospital. So I went over to shortstop.

I don't know. Stuff like that, I think, turns you. Stuff like that teaches you. It either breaks you or fucks you up as a guy or it makes you stronger as a guy. What do you think it did to you? I don't know, man. I've had a lot of those moments with my dad where it's like, be a fucking man. And I'm glad he did it. Because there's certain things.

That, though? Man, I remember being a. That's not like a suck it up moment. That's like a. a fucking man, and I'm glad he did it, because there's certain things. That, though? Man, I remember being a... That's not like a suck it up moment. That's like a, no, no, no, it's over. The game's over. It doesn't matter. The game's over. You might have a broken jaw.

Everybody go home. If your teeth get knocked out, it's very likely there's some fractures in your jaw, and that could get infected. It's like a rush to get to the hospital as quick as possible. Do you think your dad was having some sort of PTSD? You're not in a world title fight

No, no, no Trust me I was sitting at a short stop I was sitting at a short stop going This doesn't seem fair This seems like bad parenting My dad's like If I take you out now, we lose the game

I don't want to He was like I'll give you some Tito's You'll be fine I think I'm fine I don't know what you guys are talking about I don't know what you guys are talking about. I don't know, man.

Yeah. I'm used to seeing people get fucked up, and I think I'd have a real problem with that. I think it's a different era. It's a different era. But I would panic if I saw that. I would panic if I saw that. I don't know if it was that different. I've brought it up to my dad before. Yeah?

He laughs it off, and and he goes you weren't that bad who can i ask you a question who won the game i have no idea i wasn't there i went to the doctor dr boza spent the rest of the day in the getting my teeth fixed how long did it take before they fixed your teeth uh fucking 20 years it took it took forever it was for it was a long period ninth grade in college everything was fixed. That was in 11. In ninth grade, I had a smile I was comfortable with. But yeah, I just had fucked up teeth.

So it took like three years before you had a smile you were comfortable with. Yeah. So what was it before then? It was like spotty caps. Cosmetic dental. Oh, it was terrible back then. It was terrible. So it was like, I want like uh cosmetic dental dental it was terrible back it was terrible so it was like i want to say like this sounds horrible i want to feel like it was plastic caps it wasn't like they stained really easy and so uh and i had like two and then these are broken and

then then at one point i just had four teeth that looked okay and so and it's i mean there are people listening right now that are going through this but you just cover your smile at times and you don't enjoy life as much smile with your mouth closed you smile with your mouth closed that's funny it's really funny to think of you like that i know right i think that's why i am who i am is when i got teeth i was like i was like yeah and i was i was i was laughing i remember it's like perfect now thank you so much joe do they get uh stained by coffee or anything? Very badly. We were talking about this the other day.

Fuck face over here. Decides his new game he wants to play is Shame My Mouth. Shame My Mouth? That sounds like something Larry Craig would play. This is the opposite of what I was doing. No, him and his fucking evil Nazi wife come up with these fucking game plans of ways to just get the focus away from my talent as a comedian and find something else to fucking focus on. But I was going to get my teeth all redone this month. And then I thought, I don't like those dudes or celebrities with bright white smiles that you go, you just got your teeth done.

You look fucking different. They can make them not like that, by the way. Now they can. If you get veneers now, they do shades of... I want regular man teeth. When you see a man, he's got regular teeth. Yeah, you got regular fucking teeth. I got crooked teeth.

Your teeth look normal. Yeah. I have no problem with my teeth whatsoever. I'm fine. fucking teeth. I got crooked teeth. Your teeth look normal. Yeah.

I have no problem with my teeth whatsoever. I'm fine. I wouldn't mind a couple of them getting them shaded out to match everything else, but I got one dark tooth. Yeah.

But it's from smoking cigars and drinking coffee. It's a dead tooth and then that one tooth is kind of gray and fucking looking. I know somebody with that. Dead teeth are weird.

Dead teeth are weird. Like a prominent dead tooth and you just want to be like, why do you have a car? You should fix this first. Say goober everywhere and get your teeth done. Yeah, dead teeth are weird, right? It's like there's something about it signals to you there's something wrong with that person. Like you see a person with a missing tooth.

You're like, ooh, what other shit decisions are you making? Well, I know that like a lot of people would. Yeah. I mean, it's the thing is that it's one of the first things you notice. You notice somebody if they have a wonky eye, for sure, and then teeth. Dead teeth. Yeah, dead teeth. But a lot of people, it is expensive to address that.

But my thing has always been when somebody is like, you know, something about dental, they'll go, you know, well, it's whatever, thousands of dollars. I go, go into debt. Yeah. Like, you should go. You should buy debt right now. Yeah, your life might improve. Yeah, exactly.

It's worth it. It's worth it to pay that off. Up your earning potential. For sure. Jessa Reed. Do you know who Jessa Reed is? No. You know her.

Yeah. She got one of the best stories that's been on Ari's show. Comic, yeah. Comic,icted to meth She found out that When you pee When you're on meth That there's a percentage of

Meth in your pee So she was like Liquid gold Oh boy She told a story on On Ari's podcast And it's a great story Well that's the thing

With mushrooms you know When you trip balls If you drink your piss You'll trip even harder Really? Yeah a lot of psilocybin Goes right through your piss you can also counter have you done this just do more mushrooms yeah yeah there she is so jessa had all fake teeth because she had they'd all fallen out from meth damn she's pretty she's beautiful and she's fucking hilarious so she did my podcast and

told the story and just this is what's beautiful about she's fucking hilarious so she did my podcast and told a story and just this is what's beautiful about podcasts some dentist in Portland was like yo I can do it for free no way flew her up

or she flew her up he did her whole fucking mouth wow I wish I knew that guy's name I'd give him a shout out but text her text her

and give that dude a shout out that's cool as shit just a guy goes that's cool it's no money out of his pocket. It's his time. And he's like, ah,

you know what? You made me laugh for fucking two hours on Bert's podcast. That's cool. That's very cool. I love stories like that. Yeah.

Why do I feel worse when hot girls become addicted to meth? Because you see the potential ruin, man. It's just like a fucking great young fighter that gets into coke

and crush or something. Yeah, you see the potential. Not some little scraggly dude. Because you know how good her life could be, basically. Right, right. If she were a fitness influencer, just do squats and yoga pants. How good is that gig? That's a great gig.

What? Those gals make a lot of money. The hot influencer? Oh, yeah. There's certain girls that just have crazy money. I got some style and I'm cute. Here's the thing, though. They are changing what a hot ass looks like.

Who, who? Standards, like on Instagram because of these influencers. And everyone's trying to keep up with that. Oh, my God. There's certain girls that are just in the gym every fucking day trying to figure out new ways to make their ass pop. In the fight. Yeah. And what is a good ass now i mean in the 70s all you had to do was just like be there not be huge yeah but like asses didn't mean anything you should have seen these something happen to people reggaeton girls in colombia with their asses what's that word

what does that mean what does that mean it's like the type of music oh's that word? Reggaeton. What does that mean? What does that mean? It's like a type of music. Oh, like reggae? No, reggaeton. Reggaeton. Yeah. Have you heard that? I don't know. Yeah?

Yeah? I don't know. It's five-year-olds. It's not five-year-olds. It's fucking old people do it there. Brady Smith. Brady Smith DDS. Holla at Brady Smith.

Oh, how'd you do that? Because Jamie's a wizard. Goddamn. Savior of Jess's smile. Thank you, Brady Smith Smith Where does he live? We should post his Yeah Does he live in Portland?

Docks him Docks that motherfucker Where's he at? Portland Brady Smith from Portland Folks if you listen to this And you need some dental work done Go to that guy

Look he's a handsome fella What a fucking good guy Yeah What a good guy He's got a podcast? Shout out to his podcast Called Drilled What's it called?

It's called Drilled It's called Drilled It's called Drilled? Yeah Oh my god His podcast is called Drilled That is hilarious He does a podcast He gets them fucked up on laughing gas

He does a podcast He does a podcast That just makes you want to kill yourself That is hilarious That is so funny I gotta check out his fucking podcast While it was operating On them

So What do you do for fun When you're young If you go back To when asses Didn't mean anything Like what was the shift Was it Sir Mix-a-Lot

Oh no no no No no no Daisy Dukes Right No No no Those were legs Those were legs

She had great legs But Catherine Bach Did not have an ass. When I heard Baby Got Back, this is how white I am, I was like, wait, you like big ass? It was so foreign to me. I was like, I like big butts and I can't not like. Yeah, me too. I was like, what the fuck?

Who the fuck likes that? Well, that just shows you how segregated this country is because people would, when that song came out, people would be like, well, black people like that. They would tell you, that's what black people like. But well black people like that they would tell you that's what black people like but then white people like that well yeah of course but that's not that long ago

it's not that long ago but it is no do you remember the beginning of that song look everything else stayed the same what are girls like

girls like guys with big muscles guys who are tall guys with six packs it's all the same yeah but what a what a

what a guy that's a girl's beauty. I just want to go around the room and find out why we got girls. Guys with big personalities. Four in a cup. Listen, if you want to ask a girl what the perfect body is, she would say a guy who's like six foot three with a big chest and big arms and a six pack and a big hog. Call Christina right now and see if she's asleep.

She's asleep. Listen, we're not talking about your wives. We're talking about a girl who has no emotional connection to someone. If you asked her, write down on paper. What's attractive? Ryan Reynolds, right? That's what she'd say. Jason Momoa.

Some contractor looking dude. It's the same. It was that way in the 70s it's that way now yeah the thing that changed with men is asses yes no one was in asses no i saw an ass going into petco yesterday that was fucking insane and i was like i never would have been into that as a kid what are you showing me here jamie says jane fonda brought it up in the like that's jane fonda you can't really see it though it's just's just from the side. Athletic female butt. Sort of.

That's a trick. You can't see it. Ah, get away. You gotta see it standing up. That's just not big. That's a great question. And a fucking Instagram influencer would be ashamed of that butt. They like flat ones in the 60s. Credit to the country of Brazil.

Who's the girl, Jen Seltzer? Is that the girl who's got the most insane fucking ass on Instagram? I don't know what you're talking about. She's one of them, but there's no one girl anymore. There's so many of them. There's ass implants now. Yeah, that's a mess. It looks weird.

They're getting cancer. Girls are getting cancer from that. Implants, no good. Do you remember on MTV they had a show called True Life, and there was a guy that got calf implants? Do you remember that by any chance? No. I remember that so vividly. I do remember that from True Life, and there's a guy that got calf implants. Do you remember that by any chance? No. I remember that so vividly.

I do remember that from True Life. And I was like, what a fucking... Didn't you always... As someone who's never had all those muscles, I would always seek those guys and be like, I'd rather not have it than do what this person... I saw that as such a pathetic thing to do. You have a foreign body

that you're sticking inside of you. The real problem with that is the same thing that happens to some women when they get breast implants, they get cancer. Girls are getting that in their ass now. There's new instances of ass cancer that are directly caused by these ass implants. The ass implants, I mean, that is obviously

probably the more important statistic. I don't think they look good. Imagine you get ass cancer. It's crazy. Imagine getting ass cancer because you're too lazy to do squats. But don't you find that like a... Because you're too lazy. Yeah, because it is.

You're too lazy. But don't you find it like almost more permissible, forgivable in a way to say like, this woman's getting breast implants. You go like, okay. But like if a guy's like, oh, I got and just yeah fucking push-ups i know a dude who had pec implants he had a bunch of stuff done i know a guy who got pec implants and you know what i did when i saw him what something that i never do which is pat him on the chest and i didn't know he had surgery the day before and i was like good to see He was like Basically almost started weeping

And that's the only reason No one wants to confess that The guy that I know killed himself Oh really? Yeah he was getting a bunch of plastic surgery Just killing himself This guy should He's the fucking

You know Tommy Morrison got pack implants? Did he really? Tommy Gunn? Oh my god dude it's gross Tommy Morrison got pec implants? Did he really? Tommy Gunn? Oh my God, dude. It's gross. Tommy Morrison went off the deep end. He got HIV positive. He was doing all kinds of crazy drugs.

And he got pec implants and they were preposterous. Jamie, I know you're on this. Look at that. Look at that. That's him after we won a fight. HIV positive with pec implants. That looks horrible. Yeah, but there's even worse pictures.

But look at the picture of him when he didn't have them. Right there, right? No, he probably had them there. That's pec implants. Yeah, those are pec implants. That's when he didn't have them. That's when he fought George Foreman. He was fucking jacked when he was young.

I mean, he looked fantastic. Damn, he punched George Foreman. Did he win that fight? No. Yes, he did. He beat George Foreman. Wow. George Foreman was 74.

George Foreman was like 55. Dude, he was still murking people. He won a decision over George Foreman, which is a substantial victory. He's like the chicken of boxing. What do you mean? Remember Chicken? The comic? No, he beat some good guys.

He killed himself, right? He beat Razor Ruddock. Yes, he did. He beat Razor Ruddock. He stopped him, dropped him with a big left hook. Tommy Mars had a nasty left hook. He just couldn't win the big fight, and he got destroyed by Ray Mercer after Rocky. Look at that picture of him after he got arrested.

See that picture right next to your cursor? Above that, Jamie, right there. That's him on the right-hand side, HIV positive, all fucked up after he got arrested. Oh my God. Did he ever get AIDS? He looked like he was, don't know i think he died of aids but that was oh my god he was falling apart his life was over i mean he would just 44 yeah yeah he died real young wow and that was him at 44 he looks like a seven-year-old man he

died at 44 yeah yeah he was not doing good man damn dude he got addicted to all kinds of drugs and it's just you and his health fell apart. It was not good. I wish someone would do a documentary on chicken. He should. I mean, Tommy Morrison got famous. He was a good boxer, like a really good boxer, and then he got famous from that Rocky movie,

and then his whole life fell apart. He was so good in that movie. Yeah. Dude, I remember we were in high school when that movie was out, and we were standing up in the aisles, like going, come like going come on come on rock it was a good fucking movie

it was a good good boxing movie he was a good actor there's always a thing though right of like if a white boxer is decent

there's like a great white hope kind of factor to it except Russians see Vatavir Klitschko held the title forever no one gave a fuck

right because he's not American well he was an American and also he had kind of a boring style but that's him in the movie but in real life he was a very good boxer up until the time that he did that rocky move but i think it was i think pussy was just like they were putting pussy in slingshots and just shooting at him yeah i mean he was a handsome guy he was a movie star and people thought that he was going to be the next heavyweight champion of the world.

Did you ever see the Ray Mercer fight? Uh-uh. Oh, cue that up, because it's one of the most brutal knockouts. Just cue up Ray Mercer KOs Tommy Morrison. Wow. It is fucking horrible. I mean, it is one of the worst, because he gets tangled in the ropes. He keeps hitting him?

I was watching with my friend Kevin. We were at a bar, and we were watching it. Just go to the part where he gets ko to the end it's fucking rough man he gets caught he gets before that before that way before that he gets yeah so he gets yeah there it is before just go right before this so ray mercer he started getting tired and ray mercer catches him in the corner and he unload unloads on him, and Tommy Morrison's arms get tangled in the ropes, so he can't go down. Like, look at this. See, he's tangled in the ropes.

Oh, fuck. Bro. I mean, it was one of the worst KOs I ever remember seeing. Look at that. I mean, Ray Mercer was a murderous puncher. Just teeing off on him. He was an Olympic gold medalist. Damn, late stoppage.

Whoa, yeah. The referee was scared to get in there. That's the 90s for you, huh yeah. The referee was scared to get in there. That's the 90s for you, huh? Referee was scared to get in there. And Ray Mercer was, back then, top flight. Is Ray Mercer the one who fought that white MMA guy? Yeah, Tim Sillia KO'd him with one punch. And that was

a rough one, too, because they were supposed to have a boxing match and Tim Sillia kicked his leg. Yeah, they both agreed, though. It's MMA but we're not going to kick. This is why the commission wouldn't allow it to be a boxing match because Tim Sylvia kicked his leg? Yeah, they both agreed. They're like, it's MMA but we're not going to kick. This is why. The commission wouldn't allow it to be a boxing match because Ray Mercer was a world champion in Olympic gold medals and Tim Sylvia did not have an

MMA fight. Or did not have a boxing fight. But he was a very high level MMA fighter. But he was past his prime. So they decided to have, they called it an MMA fight. Ray Mercer was, I think they had a gentleman's agreement. I think Ray Mercer was 46 at the time. So they decided to have, they called it an MMA fight. Ray Mercer was, I think he was 40.

They had a gentleman's agreement. I think Ray Mercer was 46 at the time. So he has a gentleman's agreement. Look at the look on his face. Like, come on, man. You just said we're not going to do that.

But watch this. Watch him setting this up. Bang! And then he gets on top of him. He goes, oh, I've never been able to do this before. But I mean,

the whole fight takes a few seconds. Look at this. That is a hammer of a punch. That's a slow fall. Yeah, and you know, it was already way past Tim Sylvia's prime. Tim Sylvia,

when he was young, he was a fucking animal. He was the one that let his arm get broken. Yes. I remember watching that. He wanted to keep fighting. Frank Mir broke his arm.

I remember one of my first fights I ever went to, and it was when you could just kind of move up until people sat in the front. You were just allowed to just sit there, you there, like a baseball game. And then Tim Silver was there, and Tate was there with me.

And he said hi to him, and he was wearing his belt. And it might have been my first ever fight. He had a championship belt. And I was like, later to Tate, I was like, are they supposed to wear their belts out? And he goes, no. He just does that. Tim Silver wore that belt everywhere. He wore his gloves.

Fuck yeah. He's the heavyweight champ of the world. Wore it to go to the grocery store. Just wears his belt as his belt. Look, man, when you're the heavyweight champ of the world, you can do whatever the fuck you want. You want to bring that thing everywhere? Go ahead. Bring it everywhere. That would be an interesting book, Ari, is to hear maybe you and the group that, you know,

Joe's experience with MMA has been so different, but I would love to hear an outsider's view as an insider on the growth of MMA. How it was, but then- UFC. Yeah, because you guys were going to fights- Oh, yeah. Early days. I remember it was barbaric. You saw some early fights, right?

Oh, yeah. How many fights do you think you've been to? 30, 50? Easy. Easy. Easy. You've been to fights in other countries. Uh-huh.

Australia, Brazil, fucking everywhere. Everywhere. Where we started going there was there was the the weigh-ins was just the fight camps it was just the people who were with the fighters and then like 10 fans yeah i would do the i would announce the weigh-ins there was no one there there was no one i went to a way in that that 10 12 000 people went to oh yeah i forget which one yeah it changed yeah yeah i was like Yeah. I was like, what? When did it change? I don't know.

I don't know. It's been gradual. It was 2005 is really when everything shifted. Wait, if we go to that McGregor fight, can I go see like a weigh-in and stuff? Fuck yeah. See everything, man. Come with me. Yeah, I'll bring you backstage.

I want to go show that. I've never been to one. I feel like someone said, you know a lot about MMA. I go, I know a lot of names. I know everything it seems like, but it's just one list. You've never I know a lot of names. I know everything, it seems like. You've been to a fight before? Never been to a fight. Never?

Oh, they're fun. That's crazy. You should take an edible. Yeah. Because it's six hours. Yeah. It's six hours. That's me.

Yeah. Well, this is the best one. This is Ari and Duncan making out because they knew the cameras were on them. Watch this. Bing. Here we go. Look at the white in their faces. Yeah. go yeah i never i've never been to one and i went one not knowing what to expect at all it's fun being there definitely is an experience it's not completely different my favorite part always is when they play the top the who song in between the prelims And the weigh ins Yeah And the main event

Oh my god Yeah Yeah They play The thing is about a fight Is that like A fight is inherently You know exciting

But the energy Of those arenas Oh yeah Makes it Otherworldly Did you go with me To the one in Toronto Where it was 55,000

Were you with that one The craziest ones I ever went to was Rio and Columbus. Columbus was giant. When Tim Sylvia fought Captain America. Oh, when he fought Randy. That's right. And no one thought Randy would win,

and then he won every round. Randy dropped him early in the round. Yeah, with the energy. Oh, yeah, you'll go. I can't go because I'll be in Hawaii, Oahu, Maui, and Kauai. Are you doing gigs out there? 15, 17, and 19.

AriShafir.com or AriTheGreat.com. AriTheGreat.com. Yeah, they're all there. AriTheGreat? Yeah, it's right after New Orleans and Atlanta. Are you doing the Blue Note? Yeah. That's a great club.

In Hawaii? Blue Note. Yeah, it's... I love... Man, I would go back and do that. You're in Hawaii. Where's Blue Note? Is it in Hawaii?

I mean, Maui? Oahu or Maui? It's in Oahu. Oh. Honolulu. Proper. Honolulu? Yeah. Honolulu? Yeah.

That's a great club. I've never done, every time I go to Hawaii, I just get drunk and lay on the beach. It's the best. By the way, I cannot envision that. You just, like, I bet your version of that's different than my version of that. Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm conscious. I don't throw up.

Do you go for a run early in the morning so you can earn your buzz? 100%. Nobody tries to pour water on him and save them and drag them back into the water. I hit the gym every day. You never watch a woman get hit in the head by a coconut and go, shut the fuck up. You know what I was thinking yesterday in Columbia? Because I saw a coconut tree. You know how they say more people die, get hit in the head by coconuts?

Oh, yeah. 150 people die every year. That's not true. No, 100%. 150 people die. I saw a woman get hit on the fucking head by a coconut. More than what? What did they say%. 150 people die more than what? What did he say?

Oh, is that is more than what? Marijuana? No, no one dies from marijuana. More than straight people getting AIDS, I think.

More people die from aspirin than coconuts. 3,000 people in the United States every year from aspirin. Aspirin? Yeah.

150 people die. This legend gained momentum after 2002 work of a noted expert on shark attacks. This statistic has often been contrasted with the number of shark-caused deaths per year, which is around five. Yeah, but nobody ever lost an arm to a coconut. Death by a coconut.

I'd rather lose an arm than be dead from a coconut. Hang on. Can I pivot this conversation and say, can we do a mid-year october mid-year mid-year and do the surfing challenge you know the surfing challenge what we need to do is go to like kelly slater's place and and do the indoor shit did you see his pipeline wave yeah it's dope apparently this one in waco that's really great my friend kenny fong he owns dark side motoring in chatsworth shout out to kenny um to Kenny He went He fucking flew Into Waco, Texas

With their surfboards And people look at him Like what the fuck Are y'all doing here Yeah Chip and Joanna Wow Alright

Waco apparently Has a giant Indoor surf joint Just like Kelly's place Yeah Wait so does Kelly's place Hey look at this This is fucking bananas man

That's an indoor Yeah They should have like Rubber sharks That come out Every once in a while Well I mean Not indoors

Obviously It's manufactured Manufactured I should say Wait so is Kelly's place Out here Yeah yeah yeah It's like two hours from here Fresno

Fresno yeah Dude Kelly did a 24-7 On HBO For Kelly Slater For him competing In this year's Triple Crown

And it was fucking so it makes you i watched it and i was like dude i just well it's not fake it's generated by man but it's a real water wave and you can learn how to surf on these motherfuckers obviously it's going to be so uniform dude that's so much easier because you don't have to wait to get a wave right you don't have to learn where to sit on the fucking. Right. Dude, I'm telling you, man, that 24-7 for Kelly Slater, everyone's got to watch it. It's so good. That guy is such a, I've known of him since I was probably.

Kid, man. I would say, yeah, 11 years old. Dude, we used to, the celebrity of living where I lived was that Kelly. Kelly Slater. Kelly Slater would surf at Sebastian Inlet. Yeah, Monster Hole. Monster Hole. was that Kelly Slater would surf at Sebastian Inlet. Monster hole. Monster hole. So I was in Vero, and Sebastian's north of Vero,

and they're like, Kelly Slater surfs at Sebastian. I don't even know if it's true. He put Cocoa Beach on the map. I mean, Ron John was out of Cocoa Beach, but you knew Kelly Slater was Cocoa Beach. Dude, I went to surf at Cocoa Beach, and I was like, you go out in the lineup, and you're just looking around when you're a kid going, is Kelly Slaterater gonna be here?

He was I knew his name I knew his name When I was fucking 12, 13 There's a certain celebrity That comes with being a wave rider Like a badass wave rider

It's a different kind of celebrity It's like that dude Is a savage And he was not In Saved by the Bell? No No that's different Slater He was in Baywatch though

That's Mario Lopez bro Oh Different guy I'm telling you man I'm getting it a different Slater. He was in Baywatch, though. That's Mario Lopez, bro. Oh, different guy. I'm telling you, man. I'm getting it now. Kelly Slater, the wave he caught at Pipeline. Can you pull that up, the Pipeline? He just caught a wave at Pipeline.

Did you see that wave? No, I didn't. You've got to pull this up. He's an amazing fucking athlete, for sure. He's a good dude, too, man. And I love that he's competitive. Yeah. I love that.

What do you mean? Of course he's competitive. He's a world champion. No, but people squash that shit, and they don't say it publicly. He was on your podcast and he was talking about, like, oh, I used to get obsessed with ping pong. Oh, sure. Dude, is this the wave?

I don't know. And he is an older guy, too, which is crazy. Like, what year did they have to stop doing this? Like, Kelly's in his 40s, right? Gotta be. Gotta be. He's gotta be 47. He's gotta be 47.

He won an eighth Pipe may have retired no he was if he was gonna win i think he was gonna definitely retire he's 47 years old perfect 10 go down 47 perfect 10 that's incredible perfect 10 kelly said a perfect 10 this wave joe is like where do you see this perfect 10 a pipeline this wave is fucking is that it right there it's got it i hope so it's twice as high three times as high but the drop-in's fucking sick and it closes out on him look at that that's crazy look at this and you're like so he's through it while it's closing on top of him and look at that in the face oh my god i don't know that's bonkers do you think it is do you think that that feeling right there is like a perfect show

where you get a standing ovation? Look at that. Do you ever get- He's hitting him in the face as he's trying to stay on board. What kind of fucking balance? Watch his water. Yeah, he knows it. He's like, if I could just get through here, I've got it.

Look at this. Look at this. Right here. Look at this. Deesh, deesh, deesh. It's hitting him in the face. And he still hangs in there. But look at this part.

Look at this feeling he's got. Woo. Right? Yes. I've had that coming off stage before, but I can't be like that. It can't be like that. He's also 47 and still able to do this, which is incredible because you've got to think that for high-level athletics like this, that is...

Oh, he's competing against 22-year-olds for sure. That's about as high as you get and do you think he knows like halfway through this like oh this is on the this is on the pace right now for perfection dude you gotta see this 24 7 because he talks about he talks about getting out in the lineup and going like sometimes the waves just don't show up you can't change that right and then sometimes you go fuck it i gotta roll the dice this looks like a shit wave and it may be it may fuck me over, but I'm gonna, this is obviously my words.

And then he's like, I'm gonna do it. And on this thing, he pulls out like a fucking nine on a wave and everyone's like, what the fuck? He's still got it. But it's really crazy, man. That wave, I saw that because I just watched that thing and Andrew Schultz is a big surfer. Schultz is a surfer?

Hard core bro he went to He lives in New York They have Long Beach people surf in Long Beach and he moved out to LA to go to school up at Santa Barbara

to go surfing that was his goal he was like I'll surf everyday and then he got out there and was like fuck this I'm gonna get into

comedy hot chicks nice weather I think him and Kelly Slater gets the perfect 10 and all his competition is like 22 year old guys and they're like you're a legend man you're a legend he's like you should see the fucking three girls i fucked this morning all right man nice to meet you blah blah blah like he still is doing crazy shit right like he he's fucking banging models is he oh bro sure uh-huh no he sure. No, he's got a chick.

He's got a chick. Beautiful chick. Well, yeah. But you should have seen Kelly Slater with hair. Have you ever seen Kelly Slater with hair? Is he more handsome? Oh, bro. Pull up a picture of fuck boy.

Like, young fuck boy Kelly Slater. Like, not fuck boy in a good way, you know? Like, he was gorgeous. This is the part of the podcast that he's not going to enjoy. I didn't mean fuck boy in a bad way. He was, like, enjoying us playing the video. Looking young Kelly Slater with hair? Are you shitting me? This is movie star looks. enjoy. I didn't mean fucking going that He was like enjoying us playing the video and also the old Kelly Slater with

hair. Are you shitting me? This is movie star looks. That's the problem. Look at that fucking picture. It's amazing when

you're that handsome that you get anything done. Right? Yeah, exactly. That's the problem with really, really good looking guys.

They're slinging so much. Oh, he was in Baywatch. He was. Kelly Slater with hair might be look at that handsome bastard with pamela anderson back when she was pamela anderson kapow before she was fucking julian assange in an embassy somewhere you think they were boning what sure why wouldn't

she see him she would seem a lot fuck him oh she did and she you ever see her in the view just laying down the fucking truth to those ladies? And they treated her like a model, and she was like, no, no, I've actually researched a bunch of information I like to talk about. Damn. It was pretty fucking cool. Wow. The View. They should do a fantasy camp of chicks you could fuck.

The View is this, but they talk about serious shit, and people take them seriously. Take them real seriously. Yeah, but there's two more, and they're cackling over each other and yelling at each other and telling each other to calm down. I think I'm one of those two. The thing is, though, they're not even friends.

That's what's weird about that show that'll never work. I guess it works. It works. No, but it doesn't really. I mean, the conversations are gross and they talk over each other. They had a big fight

that was publicized. Oh, they're always fighting. But like a big one. But they always do it. They have like the blonde lady who's a Republican. I mean, how many times have they tried that? The football player's wife. The Elizabeth Hasselhoff guy.

Hasselbeck. I was thinking of the other one. McCain. McCain girl. Yeah, Meghan McCain now. That's the new one. They always have the blonde. And then Whoopi.

They always have, like, before it was Whoopi. Was Whoopi always there? They had Barbara Walters was there. They had Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie O'Donnell was there for a long time. She would battle with the Hasselhoffers. Sherry Shepard used to be on. Dude, it's funny to think of what goes in to producing The View and what it is, right?

It's people talking. But I'm saying you think of the production, the people, the makeup, the grips, the sound people, the producers taking notes. And then, like, you're doing the same. Like, this is the same thing. You know what I mean? Like, the conversation is happening, but without all the nonsense. Yeah, without any nonsense. Yeah.

That's the difference between TV and this. Well, I bet that show would be better if you just let them just talk. It definitely would be. There's no commercials. It'd also be more popular. Probably. How popular is it? It's been on for a long time.

Right, but what do you think it gets on an average day? I think more than sitcoms. Like a couple million views? No, more. Really? I think it's like all these housewives at home with nothing to do with their dumb, boring lives.

Five million viewers, probably, I'm guessing. Five million viewers? I'd say 20. Let's do this. 20? Fuck it. That's my let's flip it that's not 20 let's flip it the other way okay 100 million how about this okay what could you add from what they have their business model that would increase would would be would better your show zero i know one i know one maybe they Maybe they could

They could put makeup On my head So I wouldn't be so shiny Do you know the viewers Do you find it or no It says Last month they averaged About 2.6

Millions I guess that's per show Per show Probably yeah The difference is How many people Are fans And how many people

Are just flipping through channels Because there's nothing else on I've seen episodes of The View I've watched I bet you have I definitely have Like when Norm was on Do you see when else on. I've seen episodes of The View. I bet you have. I definitely have. Like when Norm was on. Do you see when Norm was on?

That was the best. What did Norm do with them? Norm says Norm at one point says I've never had consensual sex with a woman. Just see what they do. No, no, no, no, no. He just got tripped up in his words and and he was on this apology tour, and he was like.

It was right as, set the stage. It's right as his Netflix show is about to air, and he gets in big trouble because he's on Stern. No, no, no, no. Hold on. Start it over. He defends Louis first. Okay. Louis and Roseanne.

And then, and then, and Louie and Roseanne. Then he goes on Stern. And when he's Stern, and when he's on Stern, instead of saying, like, you'd have to be retarded to, like, to laugh at this or to think this, he'd be like, you'd have to have Down syndrome. So he keeps saying. He thinks that's better because he thinks Down syndrome is okay to say, but retarded is bad because it's the R word.

Right, right, right. So he's like. So he just, he pinballed. So he says it he says it a bunch and they're about to launch the show so of course like you know everybody involved is like panicking like you need to make it clear you have a new show launching you got it you got it so he goes on the view and he's like yeah it's like yeah and he is i'm like you can see you can mute this and watch this he is eating mints like as he

popping them in his mouth Joe he's literally eating mints shaking them in his hand he's like yeah I feel real bad about that and he's like why did I talk about lube I've never even had consensual sex with a girl and they're like Norm you've never had consensual sex with a girl he goes why would I, Norm, you've never had consensual sex with a girl?

He goes, why would I? And they're like, I think you're misspeaking, Norm. And then you see him, you're on daytime. He's like, yeah, so I feel real bad about that. He's a fucking wild man. He is the best. He is such a wild man. I was just talking to Adam about this.

Do you remember the time you came? We can't tell the full story because I think Norm wouldn't be comfortable with it. But do you remember the time right before the election where you had a vape pen that was really strong and Norm came back? Yes. Do you remember what he said to us? No, what did he say? I wish I could say it out loud. Okay.

It was the funniest fucked up. was not ready i got him fucked i smoked weed right before this yeah well guys like that don't smoke weed a lot they just do it occasionally they think they remember what weed is right this weed that they're fucking with today is a different animal it's just it's it's too, and the pen, so innocuous, it's just vaporizing. Hash. Hash. Yeah, but it was hash oil in the pen. It was fucking, it was nuclear.

God, man. I smoked with him one time in a parking lot in Irvine, right before I was with Ryan Sickler. Ryan always has good weed. Yeah. And we met Norm, and we were about to go in and he smoked dude he's like such a comfortable comic like with any like you know he doesn't need like handing some time alone to get my mind right before this yeah that we're in the parking lot he takes a fucking monster hit of strong weed and he starts coughing like coughing enough to make like you know like a

tear come where you're like and then we walk into the irvine improv and they're announcing him he just walks on stage and he just starts talking about the soda he's drinking and killing with it like just off the top of his head just totally not comfortable he's one of the funniest guys ever him and stanhope changed the way i did this next special though This next special was like, because I love those guys that grow. You know, that when you see them, they're not doing their like, there's nothing wrong with it, but they're doing the exact same type of stuff they did in the last one. They're just changing the names a little bit. Right, right. I know what you're saying.

And I looked at, I called Stan Hope. Maybe one of the most mind-bending days of Stan. Just when you said that smell thing where your brain goes, wait, what the fuck? I called Stan Hope one day and he was like, Hey, what are you doing?

He was like, uh, drinking a vodka and grape suit, trying to grape, grape juice, grapefruit juice, trying to write a knock knock joke. I was like,

what? He's like, yeah, I'm thinking of funnies, goofs, you know, trying to write a knock knock joke. We got to be as funny as those guys,

right? I was like, yeah. And he goes, so we could write one. Couldn't we? He was like, let me tell you what I got. And he's like, cup reads a write a knock knock joke we got to be as funny as those guys right i was like yeah and he goes so we could write one couldn't we he's like let me tell you what i got and he's like reads a couple knock knock jokes and i was like yeah why the fuck aren't we fucking with the format and then norm i see norm and norm has the best joke i'm gonna tell you the joke is that great it's the best joke is he still doing it no no norm this and this this for me was like this was like why aren't we going why aren't we

why aren't we sometimes taking a step back to take a step forward right norm has a joke he goes uh i got a new neighbor i see the neighbor and i said uh hey neighbor what do you do for a living neighbor says uh norm i'm a i'm a professor of logic down at the university of science and norm says what's that he goes well norm it's hard for me to explain. It's easier to me to just show you what I do. Norm, do you have a dog house? And Norm goes, I do. And he goes, well, then you must have a dog, logically.

He goes, I do have a dog. And he goes, all right. And if you have a dog, logically, I can assume you must have a child. Do you have a child, Norm? And he goes, I do have a child. He goes, well, if you have a child, logically, I can assume you must be married to a woman are you married to a woman norm and he goes i am it was norm then logically i can assume you're a straight white male and norm goes wow that's amazing so the next day norm's down at a bus stop having a cigarette sees another one of his

neighbors neighbors because norm did you meet the new neighbor he goes yeah i did he goes what's he do for a living because he's a professor of logic down at the University of Science. He goes, what is that? He goes, well, it's hard for me to explain, but it's much easier for me to show.

The guy goes, yeah. He goes, yeah. Norm goes, hey, do you have a dog house? He goes, no. He goes, well, then you must be a faggot. Why? It's a great joke. It's a great joke it's a why and why aren't we like we're all funny like why can't we because that's a problematic word and it's banned

he's such a piece of shit you You're like, why can't we say it? No, no, no, no, no. I know, but it sure sounds like that. I know, I know. I can't make jokes like that. Oh, dude, it's like one of the best. It's a great joke. It's a great joke, but like, that old school joke writing, we all stepped away from,

but like, what if we could tether ourselves to it a tad bit in what we're doing now? Norman does that. Mark Norman does jokes like that. Mark Norman does, but like stand up going, I'm writing knock-knock jokes just for like a writing exercise where you go, what if you just

wrote like a banger knock-knock joke? You can do it. You can do it. I did it for this special. I wrote something like that. When are your specials coming out? I can't say it yet, but I know. You can't say it yet, but you well you can't say they just say don't they just do that they just tell you they tell you it's interesting i wonder if they don't waste

your time how does that hurt promoting it ahead of time but you can still promote it ahead of time i would hate to say it you know what you can say i think actually no i think they actually do request at netflix that you don't release the time yeah so people can't they did that with me souped up for it they asked me they want to be the ones that tell yeah yeah that comes with spending a lot of money oh yeah i'm going big for this special meaning what tommy knows i got i got big plans your videos yeah yeah yeah no no no no no i'm going to do something different are you saying something you can't say yeah so what the is this yeah let's change subjects this is nonsense you're hurting people's feelings at home

you are gonna do something but i think i think that's what's cool about comedy is like that's why i've that's why i've always liked like uh i like guys that go against grain but like burr i feel like burr every time does something different like challenges himself with an act out or something he does you know he does he always says that he was like figure out what you do bad and then just only yeah he's like i didn't do like the like the back and forth conversation style bit i'm gonna work on that in this special and then he'll it'll be in that special it was so good i know what you're talking about because i talked to burr about this too it's the one with the with this when he adopts the two sons yeah it's one of the best i watched that on my treadmill my treadmill drinking wine in my man cave

and I went... Wait a minute. You're drinking wine on the treadmill? Yeah. This is part of the routine. It's called multitasking, Joe. Get into it.

It saves your time. Maybe hire a fucking trainer. That one joke... Have you thought about hiring a trainer? No. That one joke is fucking... Is that his last special?

No. No. It's like three specials ago. I think not enough people challenge themselves to get outside the box, I think. In our business. Do you write right, Bert? Do you sit down and write? A little bit, but not too much.

That means no. No, no, no. No, because what happens, Joe, is that it becomes too much for you to remember on stage. So what I do is I'll write bullet points of things that pop for me, but to sit and long hand write, it becomes too much for you to remember on stage so what I do is I'll write bullet points of things that pop for me but to sit and long hand write it becomes too much

information and I don't remember it and I've done it a bunch your brain doesn't even work like that I get too like presentational

when I do that too I try to recite it as I wrote it instead of just like just say it do you have any bits that feel like

that are so word specific they feel like you're reciting not in a bad way. It's just like sometimes, especially when I get off the road for a while. And then I try doing at a club, like a comedy store or the stand or something. And then I like start doing. I'm like, oh, I'm reciting this instead of like talking to an audience of 40 or 50. Yeah, it feels weird.

Small crowd will make you talk to them. The more time you spend in preparation, and this is something that I didn't start doing until about two years ago, actually preparing for shows, like going over notes, and one of the things

that I have in the rider in my contract, I write on index cards. Yeah. Index cards. I got that from Kevin James. Really? Yeah, I have Kevin James' rider.

And your white wine. Yeah, white wine. I took that out. And you also have all white Kevin James' rider. And your white wine. Yeah, white wine. I took that out. And you also have like all white couches and white flowers in your dressing room. White M&Ms.

Yep. Oh my gosh. Only white drawers. Who's the racist now? White limos. No, I think that was White gloves. I think the white

that was like an old one of those J-Lo or something. Yeah, like a J-Lo thing. Tommy Davidson says a white limo has to pick me up and then they pick me up in a black limo once

and he goes, nope. I think that's Eddie Griffin Oh really No I think that was D-Ray You guys are saying Those are not the same people I actually worked A club once

Where they were like There was somebody here Who requested A white Here's the thing It wasn't like A white limo They were like

A white Yukon Like it had to be A specific model vehicle. And they did not pick it up, and that person chose to wait at the airport. That's what I heard was Tommy Davidson. It was a story I heard like that. I love those people who are like, I put these crazy things in my writer to make sure they're reading it. But that's the only thing they put in their writer.

Is that thing. So it's like, you're not putting it in for that. You want that thing. You want that thing. Just say it. Yeah. Well, that's in The thing they put in their writer is that thing so it's like yeah you're not putting it for that you want that thing you want that thing just say it yeah yeah well that's in the marvelous mrs mazel like that you got to put things in your rider or people don't take you seriously that's interesting but i don't i don't think i mean i don't know anybody who's legit that has wacky things in their right do you remember when they asked you guys like do you want a writer you're like a writer yeah and they're like i remember most people don't even know what we're talking about you just gotta get something if you want a writer you're like a writer yeah and then like i remember most people don't even know what we're talking about you gotta get something if you're a performer and you work a

venue you have the option to like basically make requests of things you want in your green room so that you feel happy and comfortable to perform but at first it was like make sure some water i guess backstage i got maybe a beer or two i can just go to the front and get it. Buffalo trays, whiskey, Cabernet, meat tray, fruit. Meat tray is key. I got throat coat tea, gummy bears. Gummy bears. I have a meat and cheese plate,

a veggie plate, water, both flat and still, coffee, tea, and that's all I have. That's pretty standard. It's pretty standard. It's insane when you know, what all I have. That's pretty standard. It's pretty standard. I mean, it's insane when you see, like, usually what musicians can really drive it up.

Chappelle has all red lights in his dressing room. That's kind of cool, though, because I'll tell you what, when you're in a poorly lit room... It's a cool vibe unless you're the guy that's got to go find

fucking red lights. Yeah, that's true. But the lighting fucking makes a difference, man. Yeah. Like, shitty, like, over office light, you know, overhead. That fucking sucks. Yeah, it was real bright in there, like a classroom.

That doesn't make you feel like going out there. And it was your green room, and you invited the ring car girls back just to like hang and stuff. And I was trying to get my head, get ready for a fucking big show, and these squawking fucking hot chicks. Yeah, and I was like i just sit in the stairwell to collect my thoughts do you remember the story i told you about sitting next to a ring card girl one time on a flight home no that i was i i this is i don't know how many years ago i did a gig with you and then i had a i had a different flight and And then I had a different flight.

And one of the ring card girls was sitting across the aisle from me. And she just went, water, water. And I was like, people were like turning. She goes, water. That's right. I remember this. And then the flight attendant came up and they're like, are you saying something? And she was like, water. And they're like, are you saying something? And she was like, water. They're like, would you like some water?

She was like, yeah. And then they're like, okay. Like she didn't press a button or say, excuse me. She just said water loudly. Oh my God. Until somebody was like, oh, I guess you want water. Wow. She must have been really hungover.

Yeah. Yeah. Imagine. You're so hungover. You can't say, can I have, please have some water. Just water. Wow. She must have been really hungover. Yeah, yeah. Imagine. You're so hungover you can't say, can I please have some water? Just water. Water. Water.

I've done that from my bed before. Water. Please. Please. Water. Water. How many times has she heard water before? A lot.

I would never be my wife. You can't be in the green room with a bunch of people that don't understand what you're going through. You know, one time we did a show. We did this fucking end of the world show at the... Store. No, no, no. That was the end of the world. That was the 2016 one for the election.

We did one for 2012 with Stan Hope and Diaz and Honey Honey. We did it at the Wiltern, right? And for whatever reason, the agents all decided it was a party in my fucking green room. Agents always do that. Pre-show? Show. I'm talking 20. That's bullshit.

And they all do it. They all knew that it was in LA, so they all wanted to come. So they came and they were drinking. They do it in Montreal too. And I was like, hey, I'm getting ready for a show. Yeah. And they were talking so loud. They didn't give a fuck. They're like, it's a place to hang. I was in, hey, I'm getting ready for a show. And they were talking so loud. They didn't give a fuck.

They're like, it's a place to hang. I was in the green room. But it's like, guys. They treated it like it was the green room of a sitcom. Post-show, I don't care if a serial killer comes in the green room. You can do whatever you want. Pre-show, I like a real chill, fucking low-key vibe. Me too.

And there's nothing crazier than like. Habasión Verde? Yeah, me too, man. Me too. And there's nothing crazier than like- Habasión Verde? Strangers popping in. Oh, yeah. The overzealous Asian person or somebody-

Like you want to meet my friend? Poachers? You ever get a poacher in there? Dude, the fucking- An Asian poacher? We're like, hey, man, how you doing with your Asian? You like him? Yeah.

I'm not just hanging out. I'm so on front of the opener. Yeah. And you're like, I'm out of here. Have you had an opener that you don't know bring people? And you're like, who are these people? Oh, yeah. And you're like, are you insane?

One time I had a guy bring his family. No. His family. His family. Who's the guy? This sounds crazy to say. Was the guy opening for you? Yes.

Just a random on the road. It was a random. No. And it sounds crazy if you're listening or whatever. and you're like, what are you talking about? Well, like when you get to the venue and you're going to do a show, for most people, they want it like a pretty relaxed vibe pre-show. You're going to perform. You definitely don't want like a strange i mean if there's a stranger at most you're gonna be like hello and then nice to meet you and then they're gonna leave because they understand you're about to do a thing right you

just you want to relax you're not you don't necessarily like have to meditate you're just like i just want a relaxed atmosphere right like most perform you gotta get your head straight you're ready to go perform this guy had kids no he had kids in the fucking green room. How many people? It was him, his wife, two small children, and then the promoter. So he was a new comic. He was newer, yeah. And the promoter came by and was like, hey, how's it going? I was like, it's cool to know we're doing a fucking daycare here today. And he was like, you don't know this?

And I go, well, I mean, I don't really really know him but i'm meeting his children right now in the fucking green room of this i mean it was bizarre man it was he didn't even ask if is it okay i bring my family not i'll feel bad if if i know somebody and they're in there and i'm headlining and an opener's in there i'm like it's your green room too because you're also performing but like i don't want my friends in there imposing on the opener of dude you know if i was if i was opening for you i would never fucking have the balls to bring be like oh he's my friend fucking steve wants to say it's like hey no way dude or a local comic who's not on the show comes by to hang out and just shoot the shit it's like bro do all that post show dude

i wrote off a dude that i was friends with for a while for this lat when I shot this special in Cleveland. Who was like, wanted to just come hang out backstage. And I was like, well, no, it's kind of like, I don't have really a guest list. It's kind of a closed set. Because in between shows, I'm getting notes from people that I... Dude, that's a huge night. It's a huge fucking night. And I just was like...

And he sent me a nasty fucking email about me being a liar about not having a guest list. And I was like, all right, bro. I guess I'll never speak to you again this was when you're filming yeah wait he was on the show with you no no he was on wasn't on the show he just was in town he wanted to come hang out he sent you a nasty email saying you're a liar because what because you didn't have a you said you didn't have a guest list because you wanted to come backstage and hang out yeah he wanted to come to shows and i was like hey man, hey, man, I'm in a different spot. I've got the people that have been touring with me.

Did he not understand that you were doing a special? That's not why you're a liar. Is he a comic? That's not why. Yeah, he's a comic. Yeah, and I was just like, it really fucked me up. Because I was like, and then all of a sudden you're fighting with someone on the day of your special. And I was like, you know what, fuck this, man.

That's on them. It's like, fuck you for putting me in a position of on my special to have to fight with you. You're an asshole. Yeah. You should go overboard

to try to like, hey. You're trying to mentally distract me. Yeah. That's what you're doing. Dude, it's fuck. Don't get me into it because it'll spin me out,

but like, man, I'm your friend. I'll never put you in a situation that where i go like yo joe can you get my buddy on i never do that if when people come and go who give me on joe's i just write them off that's the way my brain works i go if i'm your friend i'm only your friend i'm never gonna ask shit of you like the worst is when you're doing a weekend at a club and some guy asked to do a guest set and you're like dude i don't even know you i don't even know so just give me a shot hey man you mind if i do a guest set what bro have you ever done

that did you ever do that when you're coming up did you ever go to a national headliner one time in my entire fucking life here's how sometimes how opposite of that i because i feel so i mean i'm just i do not want to feel i don't want to pose ever i actually went to a show one time and was asked if i wanted to do a guest spot and i was like that's inappropriate for me to say i just felt rude being there right right right i mean people that are entitled versus people that aren't entitled and i know this from i know this from knowing tom as long as i've known him and Ari as well. None of us are the kind of guys that were like, next step. What's the next step in this business to get forward?

How do I step on to get to the next level? I was always like, I want to find my group and I want to be safe. I want to do what I do and have them be like, hey, man, that was not good or this was good as friends so that i knew that what i was doing as an art form was safe i never was like dude get me on your fucking thing get me on your thing it's there's so many of those guys out here there are so many of those guys and there's also people that get upset that you don't use them to open when you use other people that they think are they're equal to open do you ever get that but it's just like yeah what you mean i'm friends with them or like, I don't know.

I chose somebody. Also, by the way, not getting your shit together to open a big, like if I had the balls to ask you to open one of your shows, I would come to it at least feeling like my 20 is so goddamn tight. Tight. Oh, yeah. So that like when you do it, you're like, this is so goddamn tight. Tight. Oh, yeah. So that when you do it, you're like, this is a good decision. Right.

I would be way more nervous as a younger comic opening up for you than you would be. I would be dialed in. Oh, of course. I remember asking Dom. Not asking Dom. I was open for Pauly in Baltimore. I was home for Thanksgiving or something. And the week after that in DC Dom was

there and I was saw the lineup was like nah I'm never gonna ask him I can't and then Eleanor told him later like afterwards yeah Ari was there he was

gonna ask you but he was felt embarrassed because I should ask I totally would have let him yeah it was like I was gonna put him a position in case he was like you're

imposing you're polite to think that though shout out to I gotta give a shout out to Mike Perbiglia. One time I was in town shooting something in Tampa for Trip Flip or Travel Channel. And Mike Birbiglia was at the Tampa Improv and we were having sushi next door. And I was like, I'm going to sneak my head in and just say like hi or whatever.

You know, because I was a big fan. I think Birbiglia to this day is one of the best storytellers around. Storytellers, yeah. Without a fucking doubt. Very, very good. I honestly don't know if I would have the balls to be doing what I'm doing right now if Burbiglia hadn't been the first guy

to tell a long story. Yeah, he really was one of the first. The first one I remember on a stand-up stage doing that. And he used to write a blog, and his blog became really popular. What was it? Did he? He was on NPR.

What was it? He would read it on Bob and tom it was fucking huge yeah i rolled into the tampa improv i'm drunk i'm fucking full sushi and i stick my head in the green room and i go hey man uh burke reicher just i wouldn't know i like oh you're trying to be complimentary and i could i remember the look on his face was so deer in headlights. And I was like, just big fan. I'm in town. I'm shooting my TV show.

I just wanted to come in and say hi. And he was like, all right. And then I was like, sign up for a minute. He goes, are you asking for a guest set? And I went, oh, no, no, no, no, no. And he was like, oh, thank God. Well, the real problem is I've given guys a guest set. And then they go on and they cover a topic that you cover.

That is true. That's a problem. I didn't even think of that. You don't know what they're doing. You have no idea what their set is about. You know what the real fuck thing is, though? If somebody opens for you and then you're like, you have something like that and then they keep opening for you and then you're like, you see that I'm doing this, right?

Like, you know that I'm doing this. Yeah. You're going to continue to. Oh, you know that I'm doing this. Yeah. You're going to continue to. Oh, I've had guys do a version. Right. You know how guys do it on purpose?

Yeah. Like, they try to step on your material. Yeah. And they're opening for you. I'm always afraid, too, they're going to be like, if they do something and then you do it like,

hey, I didn't take this from you just so you know. You have to tell us. You have to tell us. I already had my thing planned. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's just some guys

will try to kill So that you bomb You know like The local guys Yeah yeah That's always an issue If you go to a place And these fucking guys

Have never seen you before And they're like Tom Segura Yeah yeah I'm gonna watch this motherfucker Yeah You know And they'll

You know What's he got Four fucking specials On their fucking wood Fuck this guy Fuck this guy Dude these fans are my fans They just gotta to see me

and then they'll be following me. They'll do a lot of local shit. That's one thing. They do a lot of local shit. If they drive up that local shit, you know they're whack as fuck immediately. If they lean into it hard, it's one thing to make

one or two comments, but if they do like six minutes doing a local act. My act was local when I lived in Boston. Half an act. But you're starting out. Yeah. It was so sad when i would go on the road all my best bits you guys remember third street people like what no all my best you mean where the car dealerships are like you know gay community if i could find a time machine i would go back to

boston in the late 80s and i'd have joe rogan open foran open for me and I would just take him with me and be like so hey tell me what you think about aliens and then just him be like you know I haven't

really thought about it a lot yet but I've been reading these books I'm just starting to develop some thoughts on it it is so funny

to be able to know somebody for a long time and then look up shit like 20 years ago you know what I mean like I can watch clips of you if you like myself and i'm like it's weird so weird the weirdest part about being friends with

you is i was a fan of yours before i was friends with you when you and brian were doing that joe show i was like fucking so into that i was into this podcast before i ever got on the podcast and so like to know you, I remember telling you one time about you with Jenna Jameson, and you're like, I've never been with Jenna Jameson. And I was like, I'm fucking pretty certain I saw it.

You're like, I've never met her. And I was like, I'm pretty sure there's a video out there of you guys at a party. And you were like, I'm pretty sure. And I was like, well, I watched it.

Yeah, like you know more than him. I think your memory sucks. I definitely didn't say I never met Jenna Jameson. By the way, hang on. if there is an astute person you will hear it you will hear it on the podcast saying that i didn't know her no no no no no this is way before she started dating tito ortiz this is like a long time ago i remember you and jenna jameson at a by the way party in phoenix i remember a party and yeah with her husband oh yeah yeah it's a video of her husband

she's explaining how to eat pussy wow yeah yeah yeah yeah oh yeah yeah okay i'm not crazy just ruining the story probably i wish burbiglia was here to save me he's giving a version of the story that doesn't make sense but yeah it's it is crazy to know of people's past lives. I'll tell you what I would love a fucking documentary about is the store. There's one coming out. They're doing the Showtime thing. Mike Binder's doing it, and he's doing it real slow, which makes you give real hope that it's going to be good. He's taking like two years to do it. By the way, I'm in that documentary.

I wish I hadn't said that out loud. You're not even drunk. What's going on with you? Do you have a stroke? I wish it was a documentary that I made. I're not even drunk. What's going on with you? I know. Do you have a stroke? I wish it was a documentary that I made. I'm in the fucking documentary. Did you have a stroke? I might have.

I might have. Let's make another cocktail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's plenty of booze. There you go. Try some of that Dan Aykroyd skull. Oh, yeah. Alien skull fucking vodka.

Oh, that his is the skull one? Yeah. I'll try it. Is there more ice there by any chance? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm curious always to know about the store when I wasn't there. Dude, it was the best in the early aughts. But people say it was the worst.

Okay, for stand-up shows, sure, it was the worst. No, no, no, no, no, no. For its entire purpose? Energy-wise, it sounds like it was horrible. No, Dom says it the best. He goes, there was this young group of... Okay, I knew it as the employee section, so I don't know

The other people who were like 10, 12 year comics But as the employees It was like we ran the place It was so much fun I just saw it as a foreign place We would go sneak in the back To see like the mainstream comics

Who were fucking in the back The Ackroyd Try some of this Oh you don't want to try it? Have you tried it? I'm going to try it I'll try it I'm scared of Dan Ackroyd's alcohol

I'm scared of any alcohol That I didn't pour in my bring with me personally. Oh, I just drank some of that, man. There's nothing in there. It's just Dan Aykroyd's. We opened that. That's because of me. I'm sorry. I would be curious to know an in-depth history of like, I want to know like.

Where it went up and then down. And the certain personalities, why certain personalities didn't get closer when I thought they should have. In knowing them as adults, they should be closer. Does that make sense? Closer to what? Like, I don't know, like... Closer friends, you mean?

I would love to know, like, the camps, and, like, who were in the different camps, and, like... There was no camaraderie back then. There was some camaraderie with, like, door guys and stuff like that, but there was a lot of, like... The problem was there was this leftover shit from guys who were all struggling to get sitcoms. They were all struggling

to be the host of a talk show. That's tonic. It was good, Joe, you're right. It was good when there was a level of acceptance that the place was a failure, and that we were just in it for jokes. And then we were like, we're not going to get anything, because Bobby Lee was like the most successful guy, because he was on Mad TV.

The thing that was going on that was weird was that the guys that were at the higher level, there was a few that were left over. They had seen Kinison take off. And they had seen David Letterman take off. And they were still there. Yeah, there was a few of those guys that were left behind. And they were very bitter. And they did not like young guys. There was a few of those guys that were left behind, and they were very bitter, and they did not like young guys.

There was a different thing. Like today, when young guys are coming up or young girls, anybody who's funny at the store gets love. Whether it's a doorman or somebody who works at the booth, there's no competition. No one's trying to hold anybody down. It's not like you're making it so I'm not. The internet changed it all because we all have a platform to help now. Whereas before, it was like the only way you got successful was through television. Television was the goal.

And if Tommy got a TV show, you were like, fuck, that could have been my show. And so there was this backstabby, weird fucking competition back then. Yeah, now it's different. Now if you get a guy – oh, fuck. Now everybody helps everybody. That place is different now. If you get Santino, suddenly from no podcast

to a successful podcast, now everybody's like, oh, that's another platform I can go on. Exactly. It's just good for everybody. It's also like when someone gets a Netflix special or something,

everybody gets happy and everybody gets pumped and they also see like, hey, if you bust your ass and you're good and you work hard, you can get one too. You can get one too. Yeah.

It's not like it used to be, man. It was weird, man. When I first got a sitcom and I came out here in 94, I came out with a sitcom. I already had a sitcom. So when I came out here, I came out here to do a sitcom. And what was more important to me than anything was being a paid regular at the store. That's what I gave a fuck about. The sitcom was just, I felt like it's going to's gonna get canceled eventually i'm just gonna make some money while

i can and this is way more money than i ever thought i could ever make yeah and but i'm gonna do comedy you know and so then i would be hanging around at the store but there was there was no friends it was weird and like who was there when you when you first went to the store who was there mencia was there he was there he was just starting. Stanhope and Ralphie? What's that? Stanhope and Ralphie? No, no. Stanhope was never there. Should be.

Ralphie wasn't really there. Schubert was there. Schubert was there before me. Schubert was there. He was like Mitzi's driver back in the fucking day. Did you know that he's passed at the Magic Castle? Did you know that? He's a magician?

Yeah. Jimmy Schubert. He's a really good magician? Yeah. Wow. No kidding. Yeah. Wow Schubert? He's a really good magician? Yeah. Wow. No kidding. Yeah. Wow.

I didn't know that. I had Schubert once. I was the door guy, and his parents were there from Philadelphia or something like that. Yeah. And I was like, hey, do you get nervous when your parents, because my parents see me like once ever, and I was like, do you get nervous when your parents see you? He goes, no, no. They see me a bunch of the times.

I don't care. But he goes, when mitzi's here you know that's tough and i've been inside of her i was like what yeah he used to bang missy when he was a young fellow he was are you serious yeah that's how he got spots yep she was straight up like if you want to get up you got to get it up yeah that was back in the day it was okay to do that yeah no one had a problem with it it's not like a harvey weinstein type deal yeah also the shit yeah yeah and we gave a fuck but like back then it was like uh there was a few big guys would stop in like martin lawrence would stop in um there was a few guys cool paul rodriguez i never

got to talk to him he's friendly with me now but back then I would go on after him, just eat shit. Do you remember him as the host of Def Jam? Dude, he was fucking amazing. Bro, listen, man. When I got passed into the store. Stepping into the pussy. Remember that joke? Should I light another cigar or are we getting done close to the dawn?

No, I'm going to relight this one, but you can light another one. Is that okay? I just remember this to me, I think, is such a compliment to him. But I mean it sincerely. Because I was obsessed. I would go in our basement to watch Def Jam. You know? Because I couldn't watch that in the living room.

You have to watch that in the basement. And he was so funny and just engaging you know like they're so so charismatic that i would look forward to the interstitials like to him coming back just to introduce the next person because that's how funny he was he was on top of the world yeah he was he really was then i was a young comic who was not very good and i used to have to go on after him. What time were your spots? Whenever someone was good, I would be on after them. Anybody who crushed, whether it was Dice. That's when your spot was.

Anybody who was good. Martin Lawrence. I would go on after Martin Lawrence. He'd go on stage with a leather jumpsuit on. How did you get past? Any of this, I've never asked you. How did you get past? What was your showcase like?

This is why I got past. There was a guy named The Todd. Do you remember The Todd? The Todd went crazy. The Todd went crazy. But before he went crazy, he helped me out. He told me to do this for other people. When I was first starting out, Mitzi thought I was okay, but I could work as a non-paid regular.

And I was, you know, I think I was 26. And so I was doing sets at the store after the show. So the show would go on to, like, whatever, 1 o'clock in the morning, and I was there every fucking night. And I did that for six months. And then, I mean, I had no friends. What? I didn't know anybody here.

Yeah. I didn't know anybody here. So I just moved here to do a television. You were just hanging out in the hallway, guy? I would just go up. I would go up after the show was over. I knew that I could get a spot at 1 o'clock in the morning if I waited. What time was the last spot back then? I don't remember. I remember I would go on always around show was over. I knew that I could get a spot at 1 o'clock in the morning if I waited. What time was the last spot back then?

I don't remember. I remember I would go on always around 1 a.m. Okay. And there was very few people in the crowd. But she gave me a showcase. I did the showcase. She goes, you could be a non-paid regular. So I was like, good.

So I can do sets after the show. So I'd go and I'd sit around and I'd wait and I'd watch. I didn't have a life back then, okay? I had this sitcom that I was doing during the day. And then at nighttime, I had no friends. I just moved here, so I'd just hang around the store. And I was really disappointed because the store was mecca to me, man. Back when I lived in Boston, I was like, I heard about the Comedy Store.

That's where Kennison was. And we were all like, one day we're going to go to the Comedy Store in L.A. And I went there and there was these Bodaks, man. These fucking casinoino Axe. They were terrible. There was so many bad comics that had missed the wave.

Right? There was a wave in the 1980s where basically anybody could be a comic. You just had to talk like a comedian. And I'm looking at my cat

and I'm like, what is this, Wild Kingdom in my living room? And there was these fucking shuck and jive and non-perspective having guys. Yeah. wild kingdom in my living room and there was these that was it fucking shucking jiving non non-perspective having guys yeah and a few of them lingered and so those are the ones that

were at the store so the wave of kenneth see i'm here in 94 right kinnison was huge in 88 you got to realize that's only six years so kinnison's huge in 88 and then he dies in 92 right and somewhere around then i'm living in new york when he died and then i'm in la two years later in the fucking places of ghost town i'm telling it was like do you think it died because he died it was a big part of it it was a big part of it go away well i kept hearing about all these celebrities that would come to the comedy store to see kinnison and i was like wow they all came to see kinnison that's crazy they came to see him like all these fucking rock stars and Keith Richards

and fucking movie stars and Belushi and all these guys would come to the comedy store. That shit was gone by the time I got there. So by the time I got there, you know,

the comedy store's gone through these in the past. These like peaks and valleys. And I got there in a valley. But I stayed, I was there for like six months and this guy, the Todd was there, right?

And the Todd, that's the Todd right there. That guy. I owe that guy a lot. He's gone now. Anyway, the Todd had like a severe mental episode where he literally, something went wrong. Like some sort of a disease. Something went wrong mentally, and he lost his mind.

But before he lost his mind, he sat down next to mitzi so when mitzi tried me for my second showcase i went up and i did my set i had a i had a good set but the todd was laughing hard he sat down next to mitzi he's like and mitzi's like he's funny and todd was like that guy's fucking funny he's fucking funny and i was cool with him he was a very that guy's fucking funny. He's fucking funny. And I was cool with him. He was a very friendly guy. And he saw you doing late night spots before? He saw me banging it out.

And then he came to me offstage. He goes, I sat down next to Mitzi and I laughed really hard. Because I came offstage and Mitzi goes, you're passed. You're going to be a paid regular.

Call in the morning. I'll get you some sets. And I was like, holy shit, I'm a fucking paid regular at the store. Granted, I'm on a television show at the time, right? I didn't give a fuck about that TV show.

They got 35 grand an episode. Yeah, the TV show was terrible. It was this baseball show called Hardball. It was terrible. And it could have been good, too. I watched it. The guys who wrote The Simpsons wrote it. They wrote on Married with Children.

Really good writers. And Jeff Martin and Kevin Curran. They're really funny really talented really smart guys and Fox just fucking brutalized their show brutalized it

and they brought in all the hacks and they chopped it up so I was in hell doing this terrible sitcom you know I'm making good money though but

where are we living where are we living Oakwood's Apartments on yeah yeah yeah of course you were yeah yeah that's like the

pilot place yeah that's like the pilot place i think by then i might have gotten an apartment in north hollywood i got an apartment in north hollywood a few months in because i figured it was it was gonna stick around for a while and then um you know she gave me the thing and then todd pulled me aside he goes hey he goes i sat down next to mitzi and i laugh really hard and he goes and that's that's how you get someone passed and he goes one day one day you're going to do that for people too. I'm like, okay.

You did it for Chris McGuire. Dude, I fucking hosted it for Chris McGuire. Because this terrible comedian was supposed to do the hosting gig. He was supposed to host Open Mic Night. And I found out McGuire was going to do his showcase. Mitzi thought it was funny to put this terrible comedian up and have him host. I mean, he was impossibly bad. I like how you're intentionally not saying his name. I mean, he was impossibly bad.

I like how you're intentionally not saying his name. Yes, I'm not saying his name. Okay, I'll buy that. Do I know him? No, you definitely don't. So I called up, and this is when I was on news radio. I called up and I said, hey, I go, fuck this. I go, I'm going to host Open Mic Night. So I came down and hosted Open Mic Night just for McGuire.

But I did that for a bunch of people i sat down next to mitzi while people were showcasing funny people and just laugh just laugh hard clap and it would influence her it influences everybody having a good room makes everybody even i've seen a billion shows it's still if somebody's doing well i can't see through or not doing well i'm like that guy's i'm pretty sure i did that for diaz oh yeah i did it for so many people that was look man i was so thankful and then one day i didn't see him for a long time i didn't see yeah i didn't see him for a long time he went by the todd yeah the todd the todd he was gone for he used to open for paul he was one of paul's buddies any relation do you think to the charlie's angel name name of fucking, what's his name's

character in that? Todd Lemish, it says. That's his name. There it is. Right there. That's an old lineup for 1986. An article from BuzzFeed about the... Let me see that lineup. Go back down. Go back down. Tamiya. Jimmy Schubert.

Steven Green. Nancy Redmond. I remember Nancy Redmond. I used to do sets with her In New York Bobby Luddington Steve Kravitz I knew him too Mark Maron Look at that

87 Was Brett Ratner That's the Brett Ratner No No Are you sure Maybe it might have been No

Maron was there for a short time Then he went to New York And he was Obsessed with the comedy story He wrote Jerusalem Syndrome About being there Then when he came back He was all shell shocked

In 94 Is it Robert Downey Jr.? Unless it says it's unconfirmed. Oh. Okay, so in 87, when Marin was there, I met him right after that in 88. Marin? Because he moved to Boston. So he was doing sets in Boston. Marin gave me one of the nicest pieces of advice or and compliments that anybody ever gave me

invest in bitcoin he didn't say that oh what wait what was the other one oh brett just told me to keep going that i was funny you know he said you can do this man you're really original you you got a great voice you used to hang out at that when when i was an employee every once in a while you would hang out just watching employee section and i didn't realize it makes me think now how it's important for like just that it was a paid regular and a guy on a sitcom that would just like sit and watch us. And it was like, cool. I like comedy, man. I like supporting comedians.

I've always liked supporting comedians. Because from my martial arts background, like camaraderie and like the whole team and helping everybody, like having a good group. I always knew the value in that. It's very important to have a good community. Now, can you watch comedy online, like on Instagram? Yeah, it's good. Yeah, I watch good clips. I lost it.

The Todd thing, let me get back to that. So what happened was one day I got there, and I hadn't seen him for a long time. I forget how long, but it was a long time. And he was hanging out in the front patio, he was weird he was just really weird and um i i i don't remember who told me and they said yeah he lost his mind and something happened i think he maybe even had an operation like something was really wrong and he was just hanging around like almost like trying to he stopped doing comedy entirely trying to remember yeah trying to remember what it was like eleanor said he'd do this thing where he used to do this thing to fuck with the bartenders we'd like take a glass and like like look at him and then chuck

it in the garbage and then but he didn't remember that he had had a camaraderie with the bartender right and he would just remember that he had done that so he would kind of like go up and still like take a glass and like put it in the garbage and some new partner was like who is this what's he doing yeah he was it was real it was real weird man and it was the first time i'd ever seen anybody like be fine and then be gone and i didn't know i didn't understand what happened but that guy man he he did me a giant solid giant solid i'll never forget that and it influenced me too to make sure that i i pass that on who are the guys who did you guys like favors not even like i'm doing your favor but like things like that like you said like you know but todd did or like you know just like helped you

where you're like oh that was a big help just guys treating you like you belong like a human don herrera was a big one man bur. Bert. What? No, Bert, Joe. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he took me on the road. Russell Peters. Yeah. Yeah. Tom, you brought me to Indy.

I did. Yeah. That's right. You said it's a break-even week. I mean, she won't pay for your flight, but it'll make enough money to pay for your flight. And then you got booked there. Yeah. Yeah.

That was big. Joe, obviously, you know, taking me on the road and shit. Jay Moore was big for us shit Jay Moore was big for us Jay Moore was big for us Jay Moore was really big for us it stinks that it turned out the way it did

but he was he was really big and like you know I always say you learn a lot from you learn a lot from people on both sides of the fence

good and bad yeah like I learned a lot about what I didn't want to do because I'd watch Jay. Jay's so amazingly talented. And I'd watch him get in his way sometimes. And I'd be like, God, man, I don't want to do that.

And Tom and I would talk privately about going like, just the weirdest fucking things. Man, he was so talented. He was a fun hang. He was a fun hang. Jay's a fun hang. And he was really funny, man. And he was so... He He was a fun hang. He was a fun hang. Jay's a fun hang. And he was really funny, man. And he was so... He's still...

I mean, he's still a toy. You could give that guy a premise. You could give him a premise, like, just the silliest thing, and he could improv it on stage. You definitely had a stroke about 20 minutes ago, huh? Yeah, probably. I don't know. I don't know. But yeah, no, no no no jay was a big i mean i can't i can't well i mean i can't obviously jay and i don't speak anymore yeah he was great in that fucking jerry mcguire movie are you guys capable of of like pushing the bad parts out yet yeah seeing the good parts yeah that's why i'm talking this is the first time that's why I'm talking. It sounds like this is the first time where I've come to hear it. That's why I'm talking about it. I don't mind.

Obviously, Dan and I don't speak. But yeah, but we both had negative experiences. That's why we're not friends with them anymore. But there were a lot of good things. That's the reason I met Tom. How did he find you guys? He found Tom through his assistant, Charlie.

Yep. When I met you, it was at a show. Yeah. Opening. That was the best. I was at a show yeah opening that was the best it was i was the mc he was the middle uh burt was the middle and jay was the headliner yeah and immediately within like fucking five seconds tom and i bonded like within five fucking seconds i remember he walked in and he goes a florida state game was on tom's watching florida state game and tom's like oh come on jay's like Florida State game. And Tom's like, oh, come on. And Jay's like, what the fuck is this?

And I go, oh, you're watching Florida State? Because I went there. Tom's like, yeah. He's like, you got money on it? And Tom's like, yeah, I got $100 on it. And he's like, you're making fucking $50 tonight as a host. What kind of fucking idiot are you? Walked out and I was like, look at Tom.

I go, hey, welcome to the tour, man. I remember being like, how much I so nerded out that he went to FSU. I was like, you went to FSU? He's like, yeah, I went there for like 15 years or something. I was like, what? And then I go, when? And then he tells me, I go, oh, you guys won a national championship when you were there. And I was like, hey, so it was like, I just mentioned like a player i don't know whatever i was like was derrick brooks there he was like oh i don't

know i don't know any of the players no no hold on what you don't fucking you don't know any of the guys names no i know i told you this and this made you laugh i think this is what made you laugh when i derrick brooks uh was a big player at florida state right him and work done when i was in my senior year of college, I went to the gas station and they had a single, a cassette single of Brooks and Dunn. And I went,

oh, wow. Our two biggest players released a single. Fucking dork. This has got to be good, right? I'm a big fan of hip hop, so I bought the single of Brooks and Dunn.

Now, realizing it's a country western band, they weren't big yet, and I put it in and it was country music. And I went, so Derek Brooks and Work Dunn's a country western band. They weren't big yet. And I put it in. And it was country music. And I went, so Derek Brooks and Warwick Dunn made a country album. That's interesting. Oh, my God.

And I listened to the whole fucking thing. The whole thing? I was like, one song. I was like, this is not bad. I'm a fan of the guys. I'm a fan of the... Yeah, I'm in. I'm in.

And I think I told you that. And you were like, Brooks and Dunn is not Warwick Brooks and Derek. You went to college. Yeah. Yeah. Did you go? Did I go? Yeah. He was gorgeous, Brooks. You went to college. Yeah. Yeah. Did you go? Did I go? Yeah.

He was gorgeous back then. You dropped out. Yeah. You went all the way through and then some? Kind of. All the way. I had to take prison classes in New York. What does that mean?

What does that mean? So it was before the internet. So if you didn't finish school, you had to send in to the state of Florida and say, I want to finish college, and they'd give you the books that they give to the prisoners. Send them to me in New York. I just had to read the books and write papers. So if you want to get a college course in prison, they send you the books and you just do the work? Basically.

And you would just fill that shit out? What? Just fill it out. Just basically, I got the books, and I got got the tests and I just had to fill out the tests Do you ever wonder like if you were in prison like how much shit you get done? You would get like really fit you like I do I was in prison that's a good fantasy for me all day Yeah, sit ups. I would lift so many bricks. Yes, I Would think I think about pull-ups

Do a rape where I go like you guys weren't gonna rape me they're like well we weren't even thinking about that but now that you brought it up you seem like we can you seem pretty soft

yeah they probably want to rape a hard guy just for like you know so it's a real good win a notch on the yeah

a good win you know if you rape like a gang leader yeah you know turn him rape is like a super tweak a twink it's like who cares he wanted it yeah A good win If you rape a gang leader Turn him If you rape a super twink Who cares

He wanted it Not good Yeah, but get like Tim Sylvia in there Oh Jesus If Ray Mercer raped Tim Sylvia Right? Giant feather in his cap Giant feather, so to speak

Let's talk about Tom behind his back When you first met Tom Right? Giant feather in his cap. Giant feather, so to speak. Yeah. So to speak. Let's talk about Tom behind his back. Okay. When you first met Tom, how quickly did you like him? Instantly. Why does he have that? Well, it was funny. We were at the Celebrity Theater.

We were doing the Maxim tour. It was John Heffron, Charlie Murphy, and me. And every town that we went to, there would be a new guy that would open, a local guy, or in Tom's case, a guy from LA that was somehow or another, they signed him. They picked him to do it. He was really funny. He was really funny,

and he and I got along like that. I met him when you said, it was Diaz or Duncan that week, it was Tom Segura after that show, and it was like, okay, and then he was there, and it was like, hey. It was like 40 seconds, I'm like okay and then he was there and it was like hey it was like 40 seconds i'm uncomfortable and then he's like he was like yeah well you know what i was gonna say about like here's what's real important about comics

recognizing that the doorman and the opening acts and the middle acts will one day be your peers they are your peers now that's the store that's the store this is direct there's no other club like that was this direct line from brand brand new employee to massive theater sellout where it's like those came from there bobby lee was a door guy yep i was when i'm on that level but you were a door guy when i met you yeah but like there were other guys who were like straight from there too so it's like you it's not like you would be a dick to them but like they're going to be you and the guys who are big were like i was that yes yes well it's like there's a camaraderie yeah in the in the game we're all trying to write a good dick joke yeah it's and we all support each other we're all

fucking weirdos you know like this is it's a rare weirdo there's not that many of us man you know there's a small amount of human beings on the planet earth that make a living telling jokes i mean worldwide i did see a picture of uh tom on one of your specials early on and he was so fat you were so fat oh yeah that should be noted when he started fat shaming me he was like two eight what was your biggest should be noted. When he started fat shaming me, he was like 2'8". What was your biggest that you were? That should be noticed that when he started fat shaming me, he was fatter than me. Oh, he was so much fatter than me.

Yeah, he had just lost some weight. He goes, I think I'm fitter than you now. And he was still 270. No, it wasn't that. It's that when you're fat and other people get fat, it doesn't mean that you're not fat. It's just like, they are too. Yeah. I was 240 at the time. Were you 240? fat. It's just like, they are too. I was

240 at the time. Were you 240? I was 240 when I started trying to lose weight. You're always not accurate with those numbers. Joe, why do you pick up on numbers? Just let the story go. Why do you work for the IRS? Come on.

The numbers are big. You're about 253. Where are you at now? Are you up or down since the last podcast? I'm way down. You're still the IRS? Come on. The numbers are big. You're about 253. Where are you at now? Are you up or down since the last podcast? I'm way down. I'm way down. You still have a scale. I'm way down. I meant to get one.

We have a scale. The funny thing. I'm never getting on a scale in front of you. Listen. Get on it. The funny thing. Joe, Joe, Joe. I will never.

I want to see where I'm at after Columbia. My dad, my special I shot, I was 220 when I shot it. Were you really? Yeah. How'd you do that? I'm so fat in it. You see it? I'm so fat.

How'd you get to 220? How'd you get down there? Sober October. Dude, the funny thing is, when we started Sober October, it was this whole thing like, can you not drink for a minute? And that was the first time. Five years ago, whatever. We were trying to save your life. Yeah. I think you did, maybe. I don't know about that. the first time. Five years ago, whatever. We were trying to save your life.

Yeah. I think you did, maybe. I don't know about that. By the way, I'm much better today. You had a stroke an hour ago. I'm much better today. I did have a little bit of a stroke, right? You were just drifting with the conversation.

I got so into it. I got so into it. You were trying to say that I said that I didn't know Jenna Jameson. I'm like, what are you talking about? Someone find that clip. When this October started, do you remember where you were at the end of September? Yeah, you were just lost a bunch of weight. No, no, no.

At the end of September, beginning of October? I have no fucking idea. Yeah, you were just lost a bunch of weight. Really? Yeah, he had just lost a bunch of weight. Because he was like, I'm actually going strong beforehand. I was going strong into October. I got down to 220 on my special.

Joe said, can you be down to 205 at the end of October? That's nothing, man. How'd you not make 205? You could have got that built. I stopped caring. I was like, no, I can't have that brain set going into a special where I'm obsessed with my weight. I needed to work on material, and I was like, I'm going to be me. I'm going to work out.

I'm going to have fun. You looked as good as Jon Panett like six months before you died. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. What? By the way, the fact that Tom's weight is not brought up at all. I believe Tom is fatter than Bert and has been for many months.

I wish you had seen the boxes I'd given your presence in. Tom's foot is so much smaller than your guy's. What do you mean? He's 5'8", tops, right? 5'8", 5'8 1⁄2". Yeah. 5'8", mid-yes. I don't mind that because people are always pleasantly surprised when they meet me.

You go ahead and put it out there. Bullshit. Every time I do a meet and greet, they go, hey, Tom actually is fatter than you. And I go, no fucking shit. He's always been fatter. What size shoe do you have? I never hear that. What size shoe do you have?

10 and a half. Seven? 10 and a half. That's not that. Joe's got 11. Okay. Ari's got a 12. I have a 13.

You know what's annoying? When you get an 11 in some shoes and it's too small. Chuck Taylors are running different. Chuck's. Yeah, man. They're like a half a size too small. Wait, Tom. Work that out. Let's not change the subject too small. Chuck Taylors are running different. Some Chucks, yeah, man. They're like a half a size too small. Wait, Tom, how big are you now? Work that out.

Let's not change the subject too much. How big are you now, Tom? How much do I weigh? Yeah. I feel like you've lost some weight since the beginning of October. That's probably true. We have a scale. No, we're not.

Let's get the scale. Jamie, call that up. Get that scale. Jamie, call it. Let's get it. You got a scale? I'd like to see how much I weigh after Columbia. And then if you guys want to weigh as well, that's okay.

I don't care. Joe, would you be mannerless to weigh yourself? Hey, I'm about 205 right now. I have to predict what I weigh? Predict. Predict. I'm going to be honest with you, though. I honestly have not been on a scale in a long time.

Me? So I'm just saying it'll be a total guess every morning i say i gotta stop eating carbs oh it'll be a total guess i gotta i got down to 194 at one point in time i paid jamie you almost you did get under obese and you also got under obese no no no i think i was still obese i think it was not oh yeah no i did the math on both you you when you posted it. But not obese. Right.

What do you think you weigh, Burt? 235. You think you'll weigh that now? I would. Right there, baby. No, I'm obviously going first because I'm the tallest. No, no, no. Hold on.

We're not weighing in. We're not weighing in. We're definitely not weighing in. We're definitely weighing in. We're definitely not weighing in. You are what you are, man. It's just a number. What do you give a fuck?

Because... Ari's going to take his clothes off. Oh, I will get totally fucking nude and pissed. Obby. Hey, don't say that to him. You're going to see his cock now. How do you say Obby in Spanish? Obva?

Obby? Obby? How do you say Obby in Spanish? Obio. Obio. I knew it was something close. What are you doing? What are you doing?

Don't take your pants off, bro. Don't take a piss. Don't put your pants on the ground. You can put your pants back on because I'm definitely not getting on a scale. Underwear only. Why are you scared of scales, Bert? Because, Joe, it's not like this hasn't defined the last four years of my life online. But you're doing well right now.

You look great. Yeah, thanks, guys. I'd rather people think I look great than know what I weigh. My target weight is 175 to 180. Okay. Target weight. That's like loose skin. Yeah, that's weird.

Remember when Ari had a six pack? Ari had a full six pack. Look at that. He's got a little bit of a six pack there. He's skinny. No, he's got abs. It's not just that he's skinny. What do you got?

Zero. It's on carpet, Ari. Big money, big money. 180. It's the carpet. It's the carpet. 180.6. And that is with socks on. Yeah, it's the carpet 180.6 180.6 And that is with socks on

Yeah it's the carpet I don't trust carpet On these scales Okay man You don't have to get on it That's after two weeks In Columbia With nothing but fried food

I'm okay with that You look good dude Late in the day Chicharron today For lunch Bandita paisa One thing that I did realize When you did Sober October When when we did the fitness challenge,

is that if you just went whole hog and went crazy, you'd be a beast. I ate nearly whole hog today. No, but I mean, if you worked out really hard, you'd have a good body. Here's the thing that I learned in Sober October, and then Tom kept having to say this to me over and over again, is that what makes Ari Ari is not going full hog. Like if you go full hog, it's not Ari. He turns in, like, and the same with me.

I get obsessed with weight and it starts to be every one of my thoughts. The thing that defines you is, the thing that defines you Take this slow. No, it's not even that crazy. It's true and you'll know it's true is I'm going to wait till the fourth quarter to really turn around. That's what we're fighting for.

It's a crammer. And then in the fourth quarter, you'll do it insane. But there's no way you're going to be like, I'm going to study for this shit. You're never going to prepare. No. But when you say things, when you say things like... When you say things. One of the times you said, I could do a split.

What were you thinking? When you think, when you got down and you knew you're going to, did you think magically all of a sudden you would get really flexible? But the pure confidence he goes in with it. We're thinking like, I've never done a split in my life. I know they're hard to do and I can do it. Even though I know he's a bullshitter, part of me was like, wow, Burke can do a split. Because he did a marathon.

He did do a marathon. With nothing. He ran four miles in his life, and then he fucking did a marathon the next day. He's run five or six on a treadmill, which is like one in real life. That is true. He did run a marathon. You will say I can do that to anything. Jamie, get on the scale.

I'll say I can do that to anything. You're definitely right about that. Which way, Jamie? Oh, I have to get on it. Oh, you don't have to get on it. Because it'll help everyone else get on it. But don't you feel that way? What?

I can do anything. No. Yeah, but you can do anything. No. But do you think... Great discourse. This is actually what defines the two of you. Keep going.

No. No, but I think the same fire burns for both of us, right? What? You think. Yeah, but your fire's making carne. No, based on the thing of like you can do anything, right? You go, no, I can't. I need to work harder.

You have another stroke? No, no, no. You go, no, I can't. I need to work harder. You go, I can't shoot a bow and arrow, a perfect shot. I want to learn that. I want to bust my ass. I want to do that. I'm the opposite way where shoot a bow and arrow a perfect shot I want to learn that I want to bust my ass I want to do that I'm the opposite way where I go

just give me a shot let me try this right now you can surf that is your guys personality difference I'm very objective about what I can and can't do that's how you get good at things you have to really look at what you're good

and not good at and then work really hard at getting good at things. Otherwise, you're just bullshitting yourself. Or. That gets you hurt if you're a fighter. That gets you really hurt. Yeah, but I'm not a fighter. It actually is really interesting to think about. Your background is what informs that opinion you just expressed.

And his experience is that saying that sometimes works out. That's why he keeps saying it. Didn't study in college. Rolling Stone discovered me. All of a sudden, I got a career. He's the guy who will say, I can shoot. It's bizarre, right? But it worked.

You will be someone who says. Go to New York. Will Smith discovers me. Make your mental jam. What the fuck? Yeah. Say I want to run a marathon. I do it.

And then I go. And then you should have heard me the day I ran the marathon. I was like, I think I can actually do anything. Wait, didn't you say something? Did you say something about kicking field goals? I think I can kick a field goal. How long can you kick a field goal? I feel like I can kick a 35 yarder easily with no work.

Thank you, Ari. Absolutely. Thank you, Ari. Remember when Scott Norwood missed the 35 yarder? Yes. And they lined up and they said, everybody at Washington Stadium was going to try a 35-yarder. And people did it, people didn't do it. I could easily kick a 35-yarder.

Thank you, Ari! I never kicked one in my life. Thank you, Ari! I wonder how far you could actually kick a football if you've never kicked a football before. 35 yards. You have what they call explosivity. So you could kick it a lot further. That's a Pat McAfee phrase.

You could kick it a lot farther than I could. I've never kicked anything personally. Well, I've kicked things my whole lot further That's a Pat McAfee Phrase You could kick it A lot farther than I could I've never kicked anything Personally Well I've kicked things My whole life That's why I'm wondering Like how far I could

Kick a football Oh man Cause I could Kick it straight too Cause I could Roundhouse kick shit Pretty fucking hard That's interesting

Actually That's actually I bet Cause the whip All you have to do is You would have to take Five tries to learn How to kick it straight

And then once you did that You could go far God the power Would be nuts Knock that motherfucker Out of the moon Now the thing about A field goal Isn't necessarily The kicking take five tries to learn how to kick it straight and then once you did that you could go far. Now the thing about a field goal isn't necessarily the kicking it's the mindset. Could you roll in no no no. Can you roll into the moment under pressure and perform? But that's in the game.

No that's what a field goal is. So in a game you got guys running. Yeah but in a practice let's say someone's holding it for you, right? Or it's on one of those, like, tees, like, propped up, and you're just going through the execution of kicking a field goal. But hold on. That's not a field goal.

This is my point. What do you mean it's not a field goal? So what they're doing to college kids now is saying, you want a scholarship? One shot, 51 yards. Can you make this? You get a scholarship. Yeah, but you practice for it.

No, no, no. No, they're not doing that. They are 100% doing that. They're not lining up a guy going one shot, 51 yards. Can you make this? You get a scholarship. Yeah, but you practice for it. No, they're not doing that. They're not lining up a guy going one shot, 51 yards, you get a scholarship. Please Google that, Jamie. What college is this? What are you talking about? Jamie, please Google that. Please Google that.

I have to say, that sounds ridiculous. Jamie, please Google that. It's college. It's college. Two guys in a year. It's college. It's college. It's college. It's college. Three fucking 50 guys in a year. Two million dollars running on it. It's 100% happening. It's 100% happening.

It's 100% happening. 50, $60,000 a year. They're like, hey, we'll give it to you. Jamie, pull it up, please. Just kick that ball once. There was, what did you write? You were trying to get those guys on the scale. What?

Let's go. Let's see it. No, no, no, no, no. Let's get this field goal thing out first. That's absolutely true. So they are doing that for kids to get a scholarship because they're thinking, fuck, we need you in a pressure moment. No bigger moment than you winning your scholarship.

They've done this for real? A hundred percent. I saw it online. I was like, shut the fuck up. Kid made it. Kid made a field goal. And he got a scholarship. Fifty-one yard?

I say numbers. What are you worried about numbers? Yeah, there you go. Fifty-one yards is really far. That's a legit field goal. But I'm telling you, it's not a fucking chip-in. No. That the kid's doing to get a scholarship.

They do it and say, you want your fucking scholarship? Hit a field goal. I definitely saw it online. I know it's a real thing. But my point is, can you moment? Jamie has not looked that up yet, by the way. He's a master of looking things up. Hey, Siri, look up 51.

No, fuck it. Hey, Siri, go through stroke analysis. Jamie, is that an even there for real? Planet 51. Planet 51. Planet 51. This is 51 planets. There's a guy in Nevada that gave a scholarship after he hit the game winning.

He was already on the team. There was a guy. I'm telling you. That's a lot different. Slightly different. It was pretty close. This podcast was live. That's true. It's being broadcast live right now.

Here we go. Here's a video of it. Coach offers scholarship if kicker hits 53-yard field goal. This is one video. He's a player. They're offering him scholarship if he can of it. Coach offers scholarship if kicker hits 53-yard field goal. But it's just, this is one video. Yeah, but he's a player. They're offering him a scholarship

if he can do it. That's how that works. Walk on kicker and offer. He couldn't refuse. But that's not a student, right? He's the walk on kicker. Oh, no, they didn't like that.

That's close. I'll give Burt that this is close. So they give this guy a shot. Here it is. Everyone's around him. Let's watch this. Let's watch this.

Here we go. Boom. And he gets. Everyone's around him. Let's watch this. Let's watch this. Here we go. Boom. And he gets his fucking scholarship. Damn. Is that kind of what I said off by two yards? No, I'll give it to you. Thank you, Ari. That is it.

It's actually harder than what you said. 53-yard field goal. Kid just got a scholarship. Damn, that's amazing. He just saved his parents a lot of money. So here's the thing, though. They're not doing that. They did that. They're not doing that. They did that.

They're not doing that for anybody who can kick a 53-year-old. I'll also give that to Joe. Yeah. Okay. It's like you just phrased it, but you were right. They did do it. Yeah. They did it once, but it's not something they do.

Get on the scale, bro. You did it. Get on the scale. Get on the scale. Fucking no way. Let's go. Hey, this is a cover wrap-up. Let's see what you're at what you're trying to say this earlier guys i remember i got a piss all right i remember doing a podcast and then weigh in joe i did a podcast with you

at the end of september beginning of october and you looked like a fucking junkie like on the streets that's a podcast you go to two Two Fat Cows podcast? Yes. Yes. What's the name of our podcast? Two Fat Cows. It's regular cows, but fatter. Two fat cows. Two cows, one barn. Two fat fucks.

But at the end of... Two cows, one barn. Dude, at the end of October... He looked transformed. He looked transformed. Yeah, at the end of October, he looked transformed. He looked transformed. Yeah, at the end of October. Yes. It was one month. One month.

He looked, for everybody, he looked dramatically different. Blurr, what are you wearing right now? What are you wearing? I weighed the other day. It was 232. What do you weigh? Around, between 235 and 238. Get off the scale. For what? 2.32. What do you weigh? Between 2.35 and 2.38. Get on the scale.

For what? We're telling you the right numbers. Yeah. The scale. Well, tell us if those are the right numbers or not. Let me see something. Yeah, just weigh your foot. Just weigh your foot right now.

Hold on. I'll tell you. This thing's fucked. Do you want to do a trust weigh? How about this way how about this how about this by the way are you ready for this

I wrote a fourth show for my special February 7th fourth show 10 o'clock show oh yeah I'm going to do plugs while he's gone

yeah while he's gone quickly Spokane New Orleans Atlanta Hawaii Charlotte Pittsburgh

and Portland Maine this is the rounding out the Jew tour fuck where are my tickets how about this? You ready for this?

What if Tom and I weigh in together? Yeah. And weigh under 7,000? How about this? If Tom and I weigh under

500 pounds. Yeah. You have to weigh under 500 pounds. 250 each. No, you're under 500 pounds. We would definitely

weigh under 500 pounds. We weigh under 500. Yeah, no, for sure. Full clothes on? Not peeing? Peeing is one pound. 498? No, you have to weigh into 450.

Yeah, we weigh over 450. Over 450 together? Well, yeah, that'd be 225 each. And you don't. We definitely weigh over that. Oh, yeah. 475? Pretty boy water. each. And you don't. We definitely weigh over that. Oh, yeah. $4.75? Pretty boy water. $4.75 per pretty boy water. You weighing in?

Yeah, he's weighing in. Joe, what do you think Tom and I weigh in together, him on my back? 1,000 pounds. I said 7,000, but it might be 1,000. How do you still have those tits? Jesus, Joe. You look like the dude from fucking Guardians of the Galaxy. I work out.

I work out. You wear the underwear of a guy who works out. Oh, you got to get off first. Yeah, you got to get off first, idiot. Tap it. Stupid idiot. You don't know how to wear yourself. Look at your core.

What is it? 205 205 And what did you say You normally weigh? I'd say I'm 205 right now Because I've been eating A lot of carbs Wow

That's 100% accurate Because he's been eating How come you don't have Any chest tattoos? I'm just getting really gay Sorry You just get a tattoo Right down the middle

Of your tits that says like on it. Is this the best shape you've ever been in? No, he's bad. He says he's been in cars. No, no, no.

I meant like as a grown up this time period. No, 10 pounds over weight right now. So you think you were a better shape

when you were younger? Oh, 100%. No, you should see the fucking Joe Rogan headshot on the Comedy Store wall. He's a 140-pound weakling. How much did you weigh when you got into comedy?

Joe, 205 exactly? 205, exactly. I'm going to go piss. But I'm supposed to be like 195. From 195. What did you get down to in October? You posted something. What? 194. 194 194 I was pretty sure

Still birth to Tom Wade in like 230 Oh yeah just for the bit I'll do it again but just tell him What do you want What is believable that we could put you in Just say 232 Not 228 Here's what we do

You climb on I'm going to get right behind you I'm going to make sure that you weigh in and you just lean on me that's that's that what's his name did it yeah what's his name uh well the calvin gaslin no no the black no calvin did that the black guy who lost the fucking daniel but no calvin leaned on his manager shoulder yeah look Yeah, look. Do it, do it, do it. Train, train, train, train, train. Train, train. Train and cheating. Train and cheating.

Just go, go, go, go, go. Quick, quick. Now climb on and put your shoulder. What is it? It's still going. Because it's not ready because you've got to rest steady. It's an error. Because it's very...

Yeah, you've got to rest steady. Okay, yeah you got to like rest steady make your shoulder hard just but the charge which has chair okay he's back either he's back no I think he's one of the best guys I've ever met oh my god okay Yes. Oh, my gosh. Okay, get the hat off. Get the hat off. How much are you carrying? Just one handful of cock. What's in between the fat fold and the unfold?

Give it a touch. Let it zero out. What's it at? 237. It's the same weight. It's the same weight. 237. Both.4.

I know we lost challenge. Wait a minute, though. Wait, but you are fully clothed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same, same, same. Same, same. It's a sweatsed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same, same, same. Same, same. It's a sweatsuit. Well, hey, guys.

It is what it is. Oh, shit. These are great pictures. This is great for your premiere date. When is that date? I can't say it. Tom, when's yours? It's right near then.

So, are you guys trying to do something? Are you trying to do a weight loss challenge? Is that what I smell? We should. Yeah, let's do it. Wait, what? I'm in. I'm fucking totally in.

Can you bring up a BMI just on your computer? Can you hand me that CBD thing? Yeah. Thank you. I'm totally in. That BMI thing is all horseshit. No, Joe. It's horseshit for you.

Yeah. Because of muscle. Can we agree that that's not their problem? It's a different problem. Bro, there's a lot of leg muscle in me. Uh-huh. For sure.

Ha spin, bro. Ha spin. Okay. What can be a weight loss challenge for you? This is how this all started. I had Tom on my podcast. You had Bert on your podcast.

And then Bert went on and said, Tom's losing weight. And you go, no way. I can lose more weight than him. That's true. Oh, is that how it started? Yeah. You were at my old, old apartment. Tom, I interviewed at his hotel room. He had just passed you and you

were like, let's see what we can get down to. I could definitely get into a weight loss challenge now. I got nothing on the books but a tour. 205, I think, is a real number. If you do 205, we can get down to. I could definitely get into a weight loss challenge now. I got nothing on the books but a tour. 205, I think, is a real number. If you do 205, you can get the belt. You can still have the belt. Both of you. You guys back then.

First one to 205. Look at that. How about not even a specific time period? First one to 205. Tom's got nothing except for Australia is going to be rough. But he's not really a drinker. No, just kangaroos. Kangaroos?

Eating it? Yeah. Tom can't say no to anything that you put in front of him. Australia. Australian food's not that fattening. They're very healthy over there. Meat pies? Meat pies.

Two of five. Are you doing Melbourne? I am. Great restaurants in Melbourne. Yeah. Wait, wait. Great coffee, too. What's a legit coffee place?

Yeah. Bring up a BMI I'll tell you what man I'm obese right now Joe, we understand that The muscle goes on the outside I know, but I'm just saying, just numbers wise I'm obese, and then when I got to 195

I was just overweight, just made the cut I think 195 is Is like the borderline of obese I got to 194, so. So that's overweight. Okay. What would you guys be? Burt, you're 6'1", 6'2"? 6'1".

6'1". Tom, you're 4'8". 4'8". Okay. Don't forget Tom's Peruvian. This is a great one. Okay. You're Peruvian or Argentinian?

Peruvian. Peruvian. I always thought, you have the attitude of an Argentinian. The aloofness and the kind of... Better than thou? Yeah, that's Argentinian. Yeah.

Jesus. Okay. Five... No, that's it right there. Five, ten... You're 5'11", right? For real? Six.

Come on, man. No, Tom. You know what? Just to be fair, Carl's both six. Just his... I'll give him an inch. Wow, I'm extremely obese. Six one, 5'11".

No, it's not. 5'11 and a half? You're not 6 feet. Yeah, 6 feet. Does it say extremely obese or just obese? I'm just obese. There's no, oh. There's a white thing. What am I? 6'3"? You're not

6'6". You're healthy as fuck. You're healthy as fuck, Ari. Where's the weight part? This one ends at 215. Oh my god. It ends at 215. Do you guys have a map for that chart? One, eight.

One, eight. What? Okay, there we go. Okay. Here we go. Extreme. Extreme levels. Six, three.

Okay, definitely take that off right before the challenge. Oof. Six. Thank you. Do you really want to do that? Nope. You can get hurt.

We were talking about doing a weightlifting, like a power weightlifting challenge. Remember that? Yeah. Who can go from what you can do now to the most weight? Who can add on the most weight? That's a great way to get hurt. Let's do that.

No. You could get really fucked up, man. Let's get really hurt. No, I'm up for I'm always up for weight loss challenges The reason What happened with me with 205 Not that I could have gotten there

I'm not going to say I could have gotten there During Sober October You had a stroke I become Obsessive compulsive about it And I can't focus On what you have to do You have to do a special

So I was like I got to disconnect When you got a special It's like all hands on deck I got nothing On the books Other than the Birdie World Tour. What?

What? Birdie Bird World Tour. Does that start soon? January 30th in Vermont, Burlington. First time there. How do you get tickets for this? Go to birdbirdbird.com. Thanks, Joe.

Pleasant. Second show's added. Second show's added. I could get into a weight loss challenge. I could really get into a weight loss challenge. Do you think you'd get shredded? Do you get down like 205? I wish I had weighed myself at other times.

I've got an idea. I've got an idea. I've recorded my spells for February 7th and 8th. I will, at the end of that special, start gaining weight. First one to pass me wins. This is actually really fun. I love this idea. I love this idea.

It's going to be fun. That's a good idea. I will eat for real for real. What? 186. Damn, look how slim you are. That's when I met my wife. Damn, you got those fuck handles?

She signed on for a raw deal. Yeah, no, it's called a penny stock. Wow. I will gain weight. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Google skinny Tom Segura. Have you ever seen Tom's jawline? He looks like fucking Magnum P.I. when he was skinny. Seventh grade? Bro, I'm telling you right now,

a very, very attractive man. I believe you. Tommy, where can we find that pic? You know you know where you can find that. And then Google facts. Look at this fucking guy. Oh, Jesus. Look at his pouty lips.

Look at you. Wow. I might have gotten a scar and a punch. I like that, Ari. Come on. I'm standing up for a masturbator. Yeah. You look good.

I'm a masturbator standing up. You looked good back then. Yeah. Who's that guy on the left pretending to be you? Look at that. Who's that fucking guy? Who's that fucking guy? That's a fake you.

Oh, he's got your t-shirt. That's not my t-shirt. That's not my t-shirt. By the way, how great is that title for an album? What is that t-shirt? No idea. That title is great. I remember that CD.

Thrill was back in the early 2000s, right? 2010. Oh, shit. Yeah. 2010. Look at you. Look at at you that's a good looking tom right there that's the one i fell in love with yeah look at that sweetie i remember exactly when that was when was that that was a russell peters show on showtime you got a fat dimple on your chin, on your cheek. Ooh. 2009. So, the thing about weight loss is if you guys just do the weight loss thing and just get down and wait for a day or a couple days, that doesn't help anybody.

It doesn't. No. What if you could keep it off? That's the key. Could you keep it off? What is your thing? What keeps the key. What is your thing? What keeps you eating? What's your vice?

For me, it's pasta. It's carbs. When I eat a lot of carbs, it's just like, fuck, I can't help myself sometimes. Yeah, I would say it's probably carb-related. I like rice, bread. Pasta. Pasta, yeah. I love it. I mean, I'm not a crazy sugar, like sweet tooth. Like I like rice Bread Pasta Pasta yeah All that

I love it I mean I'm not a crazy sugar Like sweet tooth I'm a glutton too I fucking I eat and I'm stuffed And I just keep eating I don't really do that as much anymore

I used to do that all the time I used to think that's how meals were completed Like every meal But that's like I would say at my worst but i don't think i really eat like that most of the time now but i don't you know i'm not like weighing out everything as much as i should you know so you could just cut back your portions i could yeah and you'd probably still be fine you probably wouldn't feel like you're denying yourself anything yeah i think so yeah yeah that's how i always feel i always feel like too like i'll get on a good meal plan and it's just about the discipline of sticking to it and

then you know start doing it less are you waiting what are you doing now you're gonna go with your clothes on how much did you pee wow yeah you're you're i understand my problem with weight loss CGP. Wow. Yeah, you're... I understand my problem with weight loss. I don't understand yours. Yours is booze. Yeah, mine's booze. Yours is booze, obviously. Yours is not a booze thing, right?

No, it's not. But it's more than booze. It's the things that booze invites into my life after midnight. Pizza and shit like that. Greasy foods. Late night food is rough. But also, the empty calories of booze. Empty calories late night food is rough but also the empty calories of booze

empty calories of booze is what it is 7 calories per gram you lost like fucking 30 pounds by not drinking yeah what is yours?

yeah it's food yeah so if you lost 30 pounds from not drinking you'd be 207 you're on 205's door you're just knocking at it yeah but I don't know what like Tom

because Tom does not we've had dinner a bunch of times it's not like he's just knocking at it. Yeah, but I don't know what Tom... Because Tom does not... We've had dinner a bunch of times. It's not like he's a gluttonous eater. I bet you have had dinner a bunch of times. Tonight. I ate with Ralphie, man, and he would fucking... He would

jaw drop you on food. It was crazy. We went to Katana once, and he ordered everything, and then it was like, oh, that's great. We're all going to eat. He goes, no, no, that he ordered everything. And then it was like, oh, that's great. We're all going to eat. He goes, no, no, that's my order. Now you guys put in your order.

Dude, the Burt's sushi experience with Ralphie is my favorite story. Because of the whole thing is that Burt is like, you're an opening act at the time. Yeah, it was opening for him and and ralphie is inviting burt and his wife and like burt and you know burt's or leanne or ralphie's wife they're they're all having dinner ralphie's paying all the time like four meals four meals and they're in hawaii no no no no uh atlanta oh sorry bahamas bahamas, yeah. And then for the next night, Brett's like, I'm going to cover. Like a respectful thing, you know? You've bought all these dinners.

I'm taking you to dinner tonight. And they go to sushi. It's like Ralphie. And Ralphie starts ordering, and they're bringing boats out. Like the boats with all the sushi. And you guys are jumping in, and you don't realize it's all for him? Well, he's just ordering it for paying for it. He's just ordering. And I know I'm paying for it Well, he's just ordering it. He's just ordering.

And I know I'm paying for it, but he's just ordering. He's like, I got this, player. And I was like, all right, cool. And he just kept ordering and ordering

and I'm eating and I'm drinking. And then keep going. I like you telling the story better than me. It makes me laugh because Ralphie had treated you guys

to like four meals. And then you're just like, I've been in this position i've been in this position before too where somebody's like you know you you want to be like you know what like i'm a fucking man and i'm and you're you know i'm gonna i'm gonna buy dinner now tonight's my night but you're not in a position to take this bill so like they bring the bill and it's a fucking four-figure bill this is a over a thousand dollar sushi experience and then you insist on paying and leanne leanne goes how much is it they go go fuck yourself that's how much it is and she goes you don't talk to me like that

and they go go fuck yourself again don't talk to me and ravi goes i'll play should have just let me paid for it player and like and she goes why are you talking to me like this and i'm looking at like a fucking fifteen hundred dollar bill twelve hundred twelve hundred i think it was twelve hundred dollars or fifteen hundred dollars i i didn't have the money in the bank account to pay for the tip but it's like that because i fucking i think why the the story always hits me is because i feel myself doing the same. I would do the same thing. Oh, yeah.

I would do the same thing. Ralphie was so generous. Like, he just was so generous that you felt, I don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of you. I want you to know that I'm your friend and I want to pay for things, too. Motherfucker. Yeah. So what happened? Ralphie goes, oh, leanne's irate at me

storms off ralphie goes i'll play we go win it back on blackjack took a thousand dollars out maybe two thousand dollars out of the bank machine go to roulette put it on black hits red. All I remember is we were the couple in the lobby fighting. It was so bad. You can't even save it for the hotel room. And Ralphie walked past me

and it was not a drop in the bucket to Ralphie lose $2,000 and he just saw me fighting with Leanne. He goes, Oh, Miss Leanne, give him a break. He tried his best. He tried his best.

I'll see you on the plane Playboy And then Ralphie was on the plane You know what's My whole part of the story That I remember the most Ralphie read a book On a flight from

Miami to LA He read the whole Fucking book I've never read a fucking book In five hours He was like a really Like he read a book

I remember Sitting next to him He read a book That's the crazy part Of the story I remember Remember Damn He was very generous and you were broke yeah we were broke man yeah that's burt that's burt i i like to roll the dice yeah yeah

it's working out you don't become a comedian if you don't like rolling the dice man i don't think so you gotta be crazy you're a comic you're a little crazy you have to be you have to be a little crazy and if you're not crazy i don't i don't i don't know if i want to know you meaning like you know speaking of books did you guys read any during the sober october oh dude so many good books you didn't do any of that did you dude i fucking read like five you didn't do it i did i did you did it i started reading three books okay i went all audio i started reading and i'm like i don't have time for this it's never gonna happen and then i said 500 i'm gonna have to i'm gonna have to pay a fine 500 i realized immediately was like oh this is a like this isn't just like okay and also

read 500 pages like that number should have been 200 no it like should have been 500 we should have had a passion if you should have been the whole thing, is 500 pages. If we had a penalty. I was thinking to myself, I just don't have the fucking time. It was a lot. You have to really commit to reading books. I had to really work hard. I think I'm the only one who did it. You did it?

Yeah. You did it? Yeah. And me too. But my classes weren't like, I didn't make fucking, you know, fucking cons film festival classes. But the classes were the best thing about Sober October. The fucking gun shooting

was the funnest shit Taron Taron Tactical Taron Tactical that was awesome that dude's awesome that was really fun yeah that whole setup

is amazing like learning how to learning how to really shoot correctly that looked cool you should be able to how long are you in town for the night

oh okay do you leave tomorrow when are you back uh I don't know. Why don't you jet set back and forth like a fucking international man of mystery that you are? I'm going to come more often. I do want to do, one, I want to do your Spanish podcast, Tom.

Yeah, sure. Bang, bang. I want to try. Yeah, yeah, do it. I want to try to get by on that. And then, yeah, I'm going to try it like three or four times, four or five times a year. I'm going to come. We're shooting bang, bang, bang, bang.

It looks cool as shit. It's fun, man. It was funny shit. Was it really? Yeah. It was. I'm going to come to. Shooting bang, bang, bang, bang. It looks cool as shit. It's fun, man. It was funny shit. Was it really? It was really funny shit. It's really fun. Bang, bang, bang, bang. They didn't hit you with anything like a child crossing the street kind of thing?

No. Jesus Christ. You can't hit that? You had to hit everything. Yeah, well, it's all metal. You're just shooting at metal. Taren's so sick, man. I'm not saying that.

I'm saying like in Please Academy, there were these things. Oh, yeah. Don't shoot that. Do shoot this. Something would pop up But that's advanced stuff man We're babies It's really cool

It looked cool That place almost burned down I know It got real close Real close The fire got right up At the doorway there Yeah

Yeah but That place is That's an experience man Like you should do it That is really It's fun It's really cool That's one of those

There's a few times You loved it right I wish I still lived in LA When you guys were like doing fun shit like that. I'm like, I wish I was there. You should have a place

out here, man. You should do both. It's not a question of places. It's like on the road and also like. Come on. What's New York got

for you? Tons of stand up spots. Yeah, but you know what? You come out with us, Ari. Bro, you can have

tons of stand up spots out here. Are we friends again? Yeah. Okay, good. Yeah, good. Oh, you can have tons of stand-up spots out here. Are we friends again? Yeah. Okay, good. Yeah, good. Oh, yeah. I forgot you drugged him.

I forgot that. Dude, I'll tell you right now. Is your wife over it? No. No. Damn. My kids aren't over it either. And that really breaks my heart.

Your kids aren't? What? That's what really breaks my heart. You should buy them stuff. You should buy them stuff. No, no, no. Let it breathe. Let it breathe

until one day they find you're funny and they're like That might not happen. You should buy him stuff. Buy him something cool. I told Joe in the green room

I decided to forgive Ari so that the people I hate know how much I really hate them. Ooh, I like that. That was a good one. I like what you said. Do stuff out of spite.

No, yeah, but it's like to let people know like this guy drug me in front of my kids and i still forgive him what do you get your kids that's not a part that mattered don't let's not talk about it let's not talk about it yeah we're good when no kids don't understand that i had to come to a moment i had a spiritual healer uh come to my house did you my energy. I talked to Tom about it. That's right. And she cleared our new house for all its bad energy. And then she said, I see some darkness in you. Oh, boy. I told Joe about it.

I was dealing with darkness in my head about just OCD shit. And I went, all right, fuck, what is it? And she picked you out in a heartbeat. And I went, I haven't forgiven him yet. He probably listens to the podcast. No, I know. I called you and you were like, I'm over it. And then I'm like, you're still not over. And I went, I am not, I haven't forgiven him yet. She probably listens to the podcast. No, I know. I called you and you were like, I'm over it. And then I'm like, you're still not over it.

I wasn't over it. Do you know how many spiritual healers listen to this podcast? A lot. So what? So what? She said, Arie Schaefer. And he was like, yes. I didn't know how you said my name.

It's Arie Schaefer. She said. Did you do something to burnt Chrysler? She said it's, if you you I'm forgetting the exact words now because I'm a little strokey. But um Something about bringing Jay Moore up. It was about, yeah.

I'm going to fucking have to deal with that tomorrow. Fuck you. It was uh It was It was what? It was uh If you love him you got to help fix his karma. it was it was what? it was if you love him you gotta help fix his karma

this bad karma for him and I thought I do I can't write you off I couldn't think straight every time I was on a hike I was like my girlfriend was like

what? I'm like I'm my friend I'm still not friends with him I don't know it's fucking hard it was she said you gotta fix his karma Fucking, I don't know, my friend. I'm still not friends with him. I don't know. It's fucking hard. She said, you've got to fix his karma if you care about him.

And I was like, I do. I can't not have conversations with him. Your conversations are too important to me. Seeing you in New York, when I go to New York and spending time with you, is too important to me. And I know you. I know you so well. And I know that you're, I said to someone, I think I may have said to Tom, I said, he's a great guy.

He's just a bad person. I'll take that. I didn't say what that means. I'll take it. And it's like, he didn't... And it was like, you didn't mean to... You never meant to hurt me at all. And I talked to Joe and Tom about this ad nauseum. But I was like, I can't...

I can't... Man, I'm not in a I was like, I can't. I can't. Man, I'm not in a place to look for new fucking friends. I got him. He's one of my friends. You know one thing that's beautiful about this? We're here in 2019 in any other business. If you drugged a peer and you did so publicly and that it was discussed publicly and yet you were on my podcast two weeks later we

were howling about it yeah you were we got high we were smoking weed and just laughing about the fact that you drugged him it was hard because it was serious but it's also super not serious we were having a good time we were having a good time talking about it and then we were also talking about how no one's kicked you out of the comedy community it was never even a thought there's no not a second like where you're not getting booked anywhere not a second where you're you're ostracized it's like this is the last frontier for savages this is the last frontier for people that are doing wild crazy stupid shit and that is one of the wildest craziest stupidest fucking things you can do is drug someone when they don't know you're drugging them. It's like a fucking, it is the line stepping of all line stepping.

And we're like, ah! I thought I had the lines worked out. Joey Diaz had the funniest fucking take on it. Joey Diaz called me up. He goes, listen to me. This fucking Bert and Ari thing. He goes, Ari's family. He goes, he's here.

He's here. He's not going anywhere. We're not getting's here he's not going anywhere we're not getting rid of him i go we're not getting rid of him he goes exactly i go i'm not saying we are he goes i know you're not i go okay and he goes look he fucked up i go okay he fucked up i'm not saying anything like joey's like arguing he calls you up he'll call you up arguing yeah yeah yeah like like he's arguing with somebody else. Right away. Fucking, he's family. Out of the gate.

I definitely agree with you. I'm like, I'm not arguing, yeah. He called me like two days after, and he was like, he just answered the phone, and he goes, you got to forgive him. And I didn't say a word. Wow. And I was like, I go, I'm going through some shit right now. He's like, I don't care.

I ain't going through your shit, cocksucker. Do what you got to do. You got to forgive him. He's a good guy. You know that. You know that. Now he's got a bit of that. Yeah. Now he's got a bit.

It was killer. It's killer. It's killer. I thought we might. I thought. I was like, oh, we're going to do this podcast. I was like, I thought we might talk about this. I kind of wrote down some feelings.

Oh, boy. You're lying right now. I'm not. I'm not. You're so lying. I'm not. No, he's not. Also, I smuggled some fruit in.

A felony. If you guys want some grenadillas. Don't say that. Grenadillas. Don't tell anybody. Don't show the fruit. Okay. That's a lie.

We're just joking, folks. Any DEA agents or who would it be? Oh, shit. Agriculture? Yeah. Agriculture people. If you tell me they're all in Spanish, I'm going to fucking jump over this table right now. Can you play the Hulk music? It's all in Spanish.

Can you play this theme of the Hulk? How are you in Spanish? Can you translate? I gotta pee, man. I gotta pee. Go ahead. Okay. Querido Brent. My dearest Brent. Fucking cunt.

Me importa la amistad. Me importa mas amistad. Aho que. Can you just let him read what you wrote and translate it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Better move, better move. We can do that. I double spaced it.

Good call. I might have had a misspelling or of two so you might like oh fuck me what is it before this goes can i just mention the birdie boy world tour all right dear brett uh what's our friendship is important. Friendship is more important now that Tom is occupied with the fried pizza. As important to me as Tom is with deep fried pizza. With deep fried pizza. Great. It's more important to me than... I like that fruit. With deep fried pizza. Great. It's more important to me than...

Don't show it on camera. That's a felony. More important to me than Joe's obsession with killing animals. Killing defenseless animals in the woods.

Beautiful animals in the woods. They'll fuck you. They have horns. Beautiful animals in the woods. They'll fuck you up with those horns. More. All right. There you go. There you go. Let's see if I can remember this.

Just speak from the heart. Okay. Just say it. You don't have to read it. Just tell him how you feel. Friendship is more important to me than anything. Even more important than

as important, Tom, as deep fried pizza. More important than Tom, than... Joe is, you know, killing animals. More important than... Oh, this is... Some of this is really mean. Don't do that. Just tell...

Just put that down and... Just tell him you're sorry But I wrote some funny stuff Oh okay Okay Um Friendship is more important to me Than like

Than Eliza's Oh wow Fucking Okay Don't do this Don't do this I would not read that Ari

Let your friends tell you Don't do this Don't do this Hey Ari we're your friends we love you we love you we love you listen look at look at the face of brody i wrote one funny living without you be worse than tony hinchcliffe living without the mural above his bed of him blowing joe rogan as jeff ross pucks him in the ass. I don't think he has that. He does have that. I've seen it in his apartment.

Who painted it? So you read this in Spanish and you pulled the plug. You're like. I saw it was coming up. Hey, let me tell you something. I'll tell you this right now. I didn't know all the fallback was going to happen. The point is, all I wanted to do was, I like playing pranks.

I will do what you said, Joe. It's just speaking from do was, I like playing pranks. I will do what you said, Joe. It's just speaking from the heart. I like playing pranks. I like doing fun stuff. And I thought the same thing I do with Luis Gomez where I'm like, he had this great announcement for Skank Fest and I was like, I'm going to ruin that. And I'm going to do it by promoting it. And I thought, I'll give you what you love doing, which is great content for your fans. I know

you're never going to release that podcast, but it was the best podcast, top 20 podcast of all time of any podcast. And I thought, I'll give that to you. I'll have a fun time with my friend. I didn't know all the fallback was going to happen. I didn't know your kids

were going to come home and say, you know, that I got raped. That you got raped by Ari. Which I don't know why they, here's what I don't know. Why they wouldn't think you have better stamina and strength than me. Why they wouldn't think that you would rape me. That's a good point. Yeah. Kids are intuitive.

Maybe they saw something in you that I don't see. A fanciness or something. But I don't know. This is good. Read it. Go back to reading. The point is this. Go back to reading it. The point is this. Go back to reading it.

I wanted to have fun. I thought, I have a prank. Then I'm like, I thought the prank first. I'm going to dose somebody in a podcast. I'm going to give them acid or molly. And I was like, who can I do it to? You know? I thought of Luis Gomez first, but I was like, he's an unknown.

He's worthless. And I actually don't like him that much. He's a good guy. Yeah. And then I thought, it has to be a good friend. You can't do it to a semi-friend. It has to be someone who parties. So it can't be these two faggots.

You know? And then it hit me, the fucking machine. I know the machine. So I i was like i will do that with bird that was my thought and i know people are telling you that i thought you were weak that's the furthest thing from the truth i thought you were fun but i if you've forgiven me but i won't do this but like sometimes people do something and they just they have it in their head that it's going to be okay and they don't understand how other people are going to perceive it and it's not it's not that they did it with bad intentions it's just that they fucked up

and i didn't want i didn't think about like you having to fucking run interference with me against your wife it's like i'll tell you right now you had a hard enough time fucking the biggest thing that that fucked me up about it yeah the biggest thing was that what do you mean? It's an amazing fruit. It's illegal. Was that when it happened, I knew

I was going to have to take care of you. Like I knew I knew all the implications of what was about to trickle down. And that was the one thing where I was like, why would you make my life more complicated?

And I told you on the phone, and by the way, no one said this other than me. I said this to myself, and I've said this to Joe a million times, is that moniker of, like, you think I'm weak. It's my biggest fucking thing of, like, people to go in my head. And I would go, I know Joe doesn't say that. I know Tom doesn't say that. And I know you don't say that.

But in that moment, I was like, is he doing what these enemies do to me where he just thinks oh he's some fucking weak comic just rips his shirt off taking advantage of your good nature right and and that and that was the thing and when you when i was on the phone with you i was in connecticut i was with shane in the car and i told you that and you said oh my god i would never i would never think because i share that with you probably i'm sure i would share it publicly now I share that with you privately. I share it publicly now, but I shared both of it with you privately. Your response, I knew you didn't. I knew that's why you didn't do that. And I was like, all right, I can get past this, which was a big thing for me to go, I can get past this.

And then it took a little bit to just go. Still mad, though. No. At a certain point, I thought It's just a reward Like does Ari bring more to my life Than that one stupid fucking moment Right And I said

Yeah he does You bring a lot to my life Ari You don't know that I don't share that maybe enough with you But you bring a lot to my life And all you guys do I mean you guys Our friendship means a lot more to me.

Maybe that means to you guys sometimes. No, it means a lot to me too, man. It does. This podcast that we do, these regular podcasts we do, some of my favorite. They're so fun. Yeah, the chat thread. Dude, I'll tell you. The text thread is fun.

The text thread is fucking awesome. It's great. Oh, my God. Don't eat that. It's illegal. The agriculture is going to come here. They have a helicopter. But yeah, and if we're being 100% honest.

You skipped every other word. You're like, don't eat. Helicopter here. Agriculture. Stroke. Do you have a stroke, too? It's contagious. It is.

It's contagious. Both of these guys were, I don't know. I have to share this. Both of these guys were very, very valuable to me in that moment where I was super vulnerable. Both of them had a moment where it was fun and then a moment where they called me and they were concerned. Yeah, when you told me during the podcast, when we first did the podcast, I'm like, what happened? You're like, oh, just wait. Like, you didn't even want to talk about it until, that's when I knew it was serious.

I still thought it was fun until it was like, and then Tom's like, what the fuck's wrong with you? I was like, and I was like, wait, is this serious? No other business. If you were working in HR at a fucking network, and you guys went on a Christmas party, and you drug somebody, that's the end of your fucking career, man.

Free drugs. Free drugs. Free drugs to someone. Yeah, but they didn't want the end of your fucking career, man. First of all, free drugs. Free drugs. Free drugs to someone. Yeah, but they didn't want it. But yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I knew he was really upset about it, too, you know. Yeah, when you told me afterwards, you're like, oh, he's really fucked up over it.

But I also wanted really badly for you guys to make up. Yeah. I spoke to both. Everyone, both of you. Of course. Both of you guys did. Yeah, Tom called me and was like, hey, I saw you, I called you every day trying to like.

You called me every day. Yeah, I wouldn't take my call. And Tom was like, hey, I saw you call him. I just knew that it was wrong for me to answer because I didn't know what to say to you. And I wasn't right in the head yet. And I was like, I'm really angry, but I'm not mad at him. Does that make sense? Yes.

And I was like, I feel victimized, but I know I'm not a victim. I know that this is going to be fine. I call Whitney. I talked to Whitney about it. What did she say? Call the police? No, no, no. We were in the green, in the backstage of the comedy store. Call the police. It's a felony. I'm like, you think that's the only felony I've ever committed? Hello?

Hey, put that down. Don't film it. We were in the backstage of the comedy store or in the back bar and we saw David Spade and Whitney and I told when I was on High on Molly

and I was you were having a great time I was having a blast you were like and you saw David Spade there and you're like oh I've got a great story for David Spade

I've always been sexually attracted to him and this is my moment I went over David Spade I can hear you say that now when I heard you say that on the podcast I got mad at you I now when I heard you say that on the podcast I got mad at you

I was like it's so fucked up man it's so fucked up there's so many complex moments in this where you're right you're totally right David Spade was back there and me and you were back there

and I was like I got drunk by Molly and then he brought it up on his show and it's like ah yeah yeah yeah and even the podcast I was like I was conflicted

because I go this is super compelling content but at the same time you saw it during the podcast I definitely did I, I was conflicted because I go, this is super compelling content. You saw it during the podcast. I definitely did. I'm so mad at you for doing this, but I see it now. I see it. This is the best podcast. But I was like, in retrospect, I was like, I can't release it.

I don't want to be the guy that people come on my show and they go, I'm going to fucking drug him. No, it's a one-time only thing. But I talked to Whitney and Whitney was like, like whitney oddly enough said exactly what joe said and said this is really it's not right man it's not right it's you shouldn't be drugging people in front of their kids she was like i'm sorry i didn't say that i didn't say that to you in the green in the thing i didn't know how you felt and that's how joe felt that's also how tom felt is that like i didn't i didn't know how i felt so i brought all these energies of like i got drugged and then everything's on the table and everyone's like i gotta figure out your fucking emotions and i hadn't figured them out yet

i i gotta be honest with you man you when you lean on friends and you come out of a place like that and you go in a weird way i was like i i feel a lot closer to the four of us after that. And I'm like, I'm definitely not glad it happened. You drugged us together. You drugged us all together. You brought us closer. In a metaphorical way, I did. And the funny part is I was like,

he wanted to kill Sober October, but now he's got to do it for the rest of his fucking life because he didn't win. We're always going to do so, Brock Tober. No, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Every year, Ari. Every fucking year.

Yeah, you kind of have to now. You drugged him in front of his kids. You drugged me in front of my children. First of all, what drug? It's MDMA. You're asking that to Rufy. Fucked up his brain for like weeks. Yeah.

Do you understand that? I'm still doing the deal with OCD shit. Dude, you literally spiraled him. Fucked up his brain for like weeks Yeah Do you understand that? I'm still doing the deal with OCD shit I will I will say You literally spiraled him And I think you could do this You could chloroform him That would be a fucking You can get that online

That's a drugging That would be That's a drugging That would be a good thing No no no don't do that I will say to anyone at home Doing MDMA Is

Your friend is 5HDP I told Bert But he was not in a place Where he was going to trust anything I would say. Just get new mood from Onnit.com. That has 5-HTP in it. 5-HTP will equalize your mood, and I meant to bring it with me,

and I didn't, and I fucked up hard. I pride myself on dosing people the right way. It's like you learned nothing. During that podcast, I remember this too. I was like, we were feeling really good.

We were feeling really good. We were feeling really good. I did feel really good during that podcast. It was a fun time. You were on ecstasy. We were watching Sunset over Joey Diaz's head as we told stories. Bro, there's nothing more beautiful on my deathbed. When you get that six seconds of memories to your life, I hope I see Joey Diaz like Jesus Christ, like Buddha,

just going, listen, cocksucker, if you would have had a stroke, it would have already happened. You're going to be fine. I didn't know you were freaking out. You handled it like a professional. I didn't have much of an option there, Captain. No, but you were like, you were handling it like a pro.

That's what drugs do is they take you over. Yeah. Can't wait to see Joe's people. So are we going to do this next year? Yeah, let's do it in January January Do you wanna Let's do a mid month

Like let's do a mid year month And do a fun Here's Here's what I'm saying Yes I agree with that That's way easier to do it I think In like June or something

Like June Like a non-touring month Yeah but sober October Is what we've been calling it That's true We can do that in October I'll do it in October again as well I don't mind

We could do it any time. Do you like doing gigs as much when you can't smoke a little drink? By the way, I haven't smoked pot in 16 days. Why? I just haven't had me in Columbia. It sucked doing Europe without being able to just enjoy a drink. Yeah, there's always going to be a reason why you won't do it.

But I'm saying October, Yankee playoffs games. I love it. You love what? I love Sober October. You love the month? I love having an excuse not to get drunk every fucking night. Let's do that in January. Let's stop right there.

Are you really doing that every night? Getting drunk every night? No, not every night, but on the road. Especially, you go to Boston. You do a show in Boston. Oh, you do this thing, though. You do this thing where you invite everybody to a bar afterwards. You're wild. I like afterwards. You're wild.

I like that. You are wild. You're the only one who goes out with your friends. Tom has a general disdain for fans. He won't touch them or look at them. He thinks they're beneath him. But you actually go out with them. We used to do photos with everybody after shows. When I first started doing shows with the Ice House,

you were the most generous human being. You'd sit in line. Guys would be like, Joe, I want to talk to you one quick second about the Ice House. Chicago Theater. I did Chicago Theater. 3,700 people for two shows. Line it up. They would line up two levels. Yeah, hours. Hours of taking pictures of people.

But it got weird. It got too weird. And too many people just, the podcast got to this weird, strange space where people would come to me with like 10 page letters and proposals of things that we needed to do together and they just wanted too much of you they just could and i just realized like i gotta step away from that i'm not there i like to go i like to name a bar give them good business like to get fucked up you know so like you after the show want to get fucked up and party. I'd still go out during Sober October

and hang out, just not drink. I'm saying, I would have a lot more fun with this if we did it in January. It starts up... I'll do it this January. I don't give a fuck. We could do it in January. We don't have to do Sober October. Okay.

We could do January. Let's do Australia, though. That's fine. we're doing this like in a couple days no no next year jesus january would be a lot october is just like you guys don't live in new york my fucking mickey mantel brain was like i'm in unless i can do it let's just wait let's get january's world carnivore month that's one thing uh that i've i've thought about doing is they there's a lot of people that are just eating meat only nothing but meat yeah I did that once for a month and I how'd you go didn't shit at all at all for a month yeah I mean

the only vegetables I had were garnished like like sauteed mushrooms on top of a steak on purpose yeah yeah yeah you didn't shit for a month? I shit for the first week or so, and then once every week after that. Jesus. What were those shits like when they came out? For the World Carnivore. Like they were old. Yeah.

Like they were rotten. Way opposite from what I got now. Like they were dried out and rotten inside of you. Like cadaver fucking cancer lungs just shitting out of you. Cancer lungs. It was a problem. Like cancer lungs coming out of your asshole.

Jesus, man. What a fucking, I'm going to fall asleep. Let's figure this out and wrap this up and have a drink outside. It's $1.35. I like that.

I will say, we can do it in January. I'll personally have a lot more fun with it as a New Yorker. October's the, honestly, probably the best drinking month of the year, so it's extra hard for me.

But if we do it in January, it's great. And if we have a real competition, it would be even better. The problem with real competitions is I'm crazy. Reading something that you can't make videos on, but something you can actually do. The thing I loved about what we did last October was that I felt very untethered from the group and competition-wise. So it was fun for me. It was fun. Let's plan it out.

The classes were fun. I enjoyed doing... Separate thing. That was the most fun. Starting February 8th, I will be gaining weight, and you guys will be losing weight. That's the date? Is that going to do that? February 8th, I'll be done with my special.

Okay. First one to pass me, I'll weigh in every day. I'm going to get down to 190. You'll pass me first. You're starting at 180, basically? I'll probably be 175. I'll be in shape. Wait.

What do you think you can get up to? I've been up to 240 before. No. Pull that picture up, Jamie. Oh, I remember that. I remember those days. No, no. I was 240 before. No. Pull that picture up, Jamie. Oh, I remember that. I remember those days. No, no. I was in college.

Oh. No, no. You got fat. You got fat when I know you. I've been like 220. You have? Yeah, I remember. And then he's eating candy.

He's eating candy all day. A lot of candy. A lot of candy. All right. And then he just quit eating candy. And I was like, that motherfucker's got a willpower. That's one thing when we did the Sober October Fitness Challenge, honestly, like legitimately, Ari was the only one I was worried about.

Why? Because you're crazy. Because I remember doing jujitsu with you. I just didn't want to lose. I know. You don't like to lose. You get very serious. We would play pool.

And even though I'm a better pool player than Ari, I would give him the seven, eight, and nine, and we would gamble. So we'd play nine ball. And I'd have to run all the balls and sink the 9 to win. But Ari could win if he sunk the 7, the 8, or the 9. So it's a giant advantage. It's a huge difference. And we would play fucking serious. He would get very competitive.

And then I bought him a year of jiu-jitsu once for Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever the fuck you celebrate. You know it's Hanukkah. Whatever. You don't even believe in God. You don't even believe in God. You're an atheist. It's nonsense.

It's nonsense. Anyway, so we were doing jujitsu, and he got fucking very serious. Like, we were rolling together. Like, he's really trying. He's very competitive. Ari's very competitive. But, like, he's got a very strong mind and I was like this motherfucker we're not doing anything where like you have to get better at a

physical skill or you know you have to do so it's it's it's very simple all you have to do is have willpower to stay at 80 of your max heart rate for a long time and that's all willpower that's really all it is or if you're smart enough to distract yourself like i figured out how to watch movies that was a big game changer in the fucking thing on the strap yeah once you figured out how to watch movies while you're on a treadmill yeah it was annoying to have to constantly be like that challenge part none of us expected that to all of us to go for it it was so crazy off each other it was so crazy when you got the flu and then you came back from the flu and ran 13 fucking miles

that's why we didn't do a competition this year that's that's like we didn't do a competition because everybody's girlfriend or wives was like no no no yeah everybody they have mad my whole family yeah plus i was just crazy man i was so into it i just like opened up that door i opened up that door that i didn't i hadn't opened up that door in fucking decades who do you think will pass me first and wait between the two of you me you think him too yeah i always just become obsessive compulsive about it It's not super fun But I'm cool with it If I know I got nothing to do

I got so much pizza Do it man How fat are you going to get? I mean hopefully One of them stops me How great would it be If we didn't lose any weight And you just passed us?

You're 180 You have to gain 25 pounds Just to get to Bert's target weight That's a lot of weight And Tom's target weight, too. I want you to look at this. I didn't think of it that way. You're right.

Tom might have done something a little early that we'll talk about in a minute. But there's stacks of steaks. Wait, what? Hold on. The fucking phone. 25 stacks of steaks. Stop right there.

Hold on, Joe. What? You have a bunch of steaks in you? What's going on? Joe. What are you talking about? When I was in the bathroom What the fuck happened

I don't know Jamie Jamie what happened You motherfucker Tom any thoughts You cunts I didn't do anything You saw the way in

You walked in You walked in on it You saw the number Oh Watch the video tomorrow This is bullshit He leaned on my shoulder Wait how did you know What I was in the way of That was my idea Well he got lucky This is bullshit. He leaned on my shoulder.

Wait, how did you know what I was going to weigh, though? Well, he got lucky. You know what we're going to do for Super October this year? I remember now. Because we were going to say. I saw Tom weighing in, and I went, oh, that's why I should weigh in. He's weighing in. You motherfuckers. Yeah.

I would never do something like that. Oh, really? Really? Can I tell you, today I thought to myself, I'd only cheat on my wife if I was with you on the road and you were cheating on Christina. I was like, then I'd be cool with it. I don't think I'd ever do it. If we were both in a tour bus, you're like, part of us are both fucking.

I was like, all right, Tom, we're in. That'd be a fun podcast. By the way, I thought you were doing the Benny Hill song. Oh. Tom and I are chasing two naked whores around a bus. Benny Hill. Who the fuck ever brings up that show anymore? Yeah.

That's the last time you heard Benny Hill. What was the, how does that song go? That's me and Tom chasing around two naked chicks. Remember, he was like always Like smacking people And girls would smack him And he would smack them It was always cute girls, right? It wasn't a lot of cute girls

He was like a pervert That was a straight me too It was a straight me too God, I forgot about that fucking show You just brought that up That's probably the first time I thought about that show In more than a decade Long time

Yeah Rape doesn't sound that bad with this music a video of the benny hill show because i didn't i barely remember it he was like a chubby english guy right a lot of big expressions right yeah yeah hey ari pour us a shot that's how much i trust here it is the benny hill show here he is'm not going to do it ever again. I know you won't. I trust you. Look at him. Benny Hill. Yeah, everything was like

all fast and speeded up and weird. Remember that show? God. Trish people suck. All right. We should wrap this bitch up. Let's do a shot.

We'll end the show. Do a shot. End the show. Goodbye, America. Not a vodka. Let's do a nice whiskey shot'll end the show. Do a shot, end the show, goodbye America. Not a vodka. Let's do a nice whiskey shot while we're in the show. Oh, a real one. Yeah.

A real one. Do we have glasses? Eyes on. Keep your eyes on. Maybe you shouldn't pour it, if you know what I'm saying. Do we have glasses for shots? We'll just, I got this fucking watered down. I got this one.

Oh, yeah. Hey, Merry Christmas, guys. Merry Christmas, gentlemen. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Oh, shit. Oh, jeez. Stupid idiot.

Shout out to... Oh, by the way, this is the 10th anniversary of the podcast. What? Right? Isn't it? Yeah, this is the 10th anniversary of the podcast. No shit. Today is. This podcast changed stand-up. In a Right? Isn't it? Yeah. It's the 10th anniversary of the podcast. No shit. Today is.

This podcast changed stand-up. In a lot of ways, right? I would agree with that 100%. Thanks, bro. Straight from the bottle. And podcasting.

And podcasting. Definitely. Changed my life. Changed my life. Changed the fuck out of my life. Gentlemen, I love you.

Salute. I love you, too. I love you. Merry Christmas. Love you. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Happy Shaka Khan Khan Shaka Khana

Salute Jamie-san Alright, that's it America And the rest of the world That wishes they were America See ya Bye bye Woo!