The Joe Rogan Experience - #1426 - Justin Martindale

Episode Date: February 12, 2020

Justin Martindale is a stand-up comic, writer, producer, and actor.

I'm not supposed to smoke in my building, so. They don't let you smoke weed in your building? What kind of fucking arcade building? Because it's legal. Oh. Yeah. That makes sense. We can't do things that are legal anymore.

But you can smoke cigarettes in your building, right? No. No, no, no. No? No. Oh, you have a smoke-free building. Yeah. Health conscious.

Mm-hmm. Ah. Well, I get that kind of, if you say no cigarettes, you kind of have to say no weed, too. But cigarette smoke stays yeah like that gets in the walls and in the fabrics and all that stuff like the weed just kind of for us right but i think other people that don't smoke weed they smell it yeah and those people need to get out of california i mean you smell it everywhere you go now. I know. I'm so numb to it. Everywhere. It makes me laugh when I can see a tourist. They're just like, oh, oh, oh.

It's so funny. It's so funny. My wife kind of gets that way, and she smokes weed. It's funny. But when we're with the kids, if we go somewhere, she's like, oh, lovely. She'll smell it. Women are so funny when they have kids. All of a sudden, they get real protective of everything.

That's where conservative people. Mama bear. Yep, yep, yep. They want to protect that den. Oh, lovely out in public like i was doing it an hour ago yeah it always makes me laugh like when it's in the morning and you like and you're like shit it's like 9 a.m and someone's just smoking a blunt outside of brunch well yoga there's this one dude that i go to yoga with this this old fella, and he has a van. And he parks his van right next to the yoga place, and he gets fucking blasted.

Just hot box? Blasted. It's like a Cheech and Chong movie. He opens up that van and climbs in the yoga class. You could see him just whacked out in class sometimes, too. Hot box yoga? Yeah. You could see him in class just like he's in the middle of doing his yoga

and he's like freaking out. I saw a guy in the steam room at the gym doing that. He was just like should I call someone? He could be on anything. The steam room at the gym is a dangerous area. People are half naked and they get weird. Yeah, that steam makes you do crazy

things. I just close my eyes and just meditate and try not to pay attention to the sounds going on. Also like everybody Yeah, that steam makes you do crazy things. I just close my eyes and just meditate. And try not to pay attention to the sounds going on. Also, like, everybody, it's like, you're just sitting there, right? So people get anxious. They get antsy. Just sitting there. And then you get, like, those really aggressive breathers who are just like, ugh. And you're like, was that a climax?

What was that? That's annoying. Oh, by the way, hold on before I get. Speaking of climax. So five years ago, speaking of climax, five years ago I came and did your podcast. Was it that long ago? It was five years ago, yeah. That's crazy.

It was up and coming. God damn, it takes a long time to live life. Out of a tool shed. Yeah, we were not far from here. Here we are. What do you got? That was last Valentine's Day. Aw, sweetie.

I got you some Valentine's Day candy. Oh, hearts. Because I feel like we have a running theme here. Was some Valentine's Day candy. Oh, hearts. Because I feel like we have a running theme here, so. Was it Valentine's Day last time, too? Yeah. No shit. It was. Wow.

So this is the week of Valentine's, so I get it. To Joe from Justin. Yep. So sweet. You know, I'm getting more candy in your life. These are like weird candies, right? Because they only sell them because they're in the heart shape. Yeah.

Right? If they were stars, people are like, what the fuck kind of bullshit candy is that? Yeah, and they're probably filled with cyanide and horrible things for your body. I don't think so. So enjoy. I don't think so, because they want to sell more. Yeah.

Just a good old-fashioned mess. Did you see that fucking video of China where they're spraying disinfectant in the streets to try to kill the coronavirus? Jamie, it's on my... Is that bullshit? But they do that shit in Arkansas. Some of it's bullshit. Some of them are real,

but some of them I think are not accurate videos. I don't know. I've seen it on a couple different spots online. I've seen it too. I've seen various ones. Some of them look a little more egregious. Let's pretend we're ignorant and we don't know any better. Watch the video because it's fucking bonkers, man. They're driving through the streets, spraying

everything at street level the thing i saw going around before which is you didn't they were spraying with drones they're using drones to actually do it they're like flying around people it begins oh my god yeah but see they do that in the south with mosquitoes yes so it's kind of like that fucking terrible for you too by the way if you breathe that shit in if it kills mosquitoes it'll kill you too absolutely that fucking stuff is awful all of our relatives are like go play outside we're like is this safe and they're like yeah it's just off dude you know let me let's watch this real quick oh fine it's on my twitter also along with my man eddie izzard is running 28 marathons in 28 days in 28 countries all through the month of february

all all in drag i have socks on my floor so look at this look how crazy this is yeah this is not these fucking people they're spraying shit out of cars they're walking on the streets spraying buildings it's all disinfectant apparently this coronavirus they say can live outside of a host for three days so if you have like coronavirus on your hand you touch a railing that shit will exist outside of your body for three days so if you have like coronavirus on your hand you touch a railing that shit will exist outside of your body for three days which is very unusual that's like some parasite shit well it's this is what these doctors have been saying forever the one that died that's one of them but the doctors that studied at the cdc duncan and i went to I went to the CDC down in Galveston, I think it is,

and we were talking with these infectious disease experts, and we were all conspiracy theory-like. We were worried about man-made viruses. He goes, listen, you don't have to worry about man-made viruses. He goes, these motherfuckers are making themselves. They're mutating. He didn't use the term motherfucker. Well, right.

Well, he wanted to. Probably did. But he was saying they make themselves themselves and they happen all the time and we barely can keep up with them and it just takes one big giant one like the spanish flu the crazy thing in spanish flu was 1920 yeah this is 2020 so like every every hundred years yeah i don't want to say before that was what like yellow fever or something there's probably some shit in the 1820s yeah like down in the south like the carolinas and find out what was uh what was the pandemic in the 18 oh here's the drones jesus army of drones deployed across

china dispense disinfectant see here's why i call that bullshit on that how much fucking disinfectant can they carry that little bullshit ass drone that ain't gonna kill you know what i mean they're so little that ain't gonna kill i. You know what I mean? They're so little. That ain't going to kill. They can go refill. And I love how it says army of drones. There's like three. It's a bullshit-ass army. Calm down.

The thing, them driving through the streets freaked me out more than anything. Yeah, that's intense. It is intense. That's just like a fog. The other thing too which was scary,

I think it was real. There was a drone that followed a woman out of her house. She didn't have a mask on and it was like, out of her house she didn't have a mask on and it was like you ma'am you're not you don't have a mask please go home go home you don't have and that followed her home in china yeah like that i can't translate so i don't know if what it was saying was there someone just made a video to be scary but this shit really is like a movie

it is it's it's totally a movie because everyone's got to be locked down in their houses. They say kids are starving to death because they're locked in their houses and their parents are in the hospital. They just had another, I think I got a notification last night that said there was a guy in San Diego that's being treated. And I'm like, God. Yeah, it's just a matter of time. Just let me do the Rogan podcast before I get coronavirus. You're here and neither of us have it i think they say you're supposed to wash your hands a lot but that was before they realized that it's uh transmitted through the air so i don't think that happens what's going on this

is the lady this drone is speaking to you could you imagine she has no idea what's going on she's so high you shouldn't walk without wearing a mask yes you better be home don't forget to wash your hands she's got blue hair. Yeah. Could also see someone fucking around and make a scary video. Maybe. But it also could be real. No, a drone is...

It could be real. Yeah, I don't know. That's terrifying. Why did you come outside without a mask? Hmm. The snow will melt itself in a few months. What? A few months.

Is that a haiku? What is this? Stay at home with food and drinks. Why do you always come outside? You can sort of, this sounds, this might be bullshit, but it might be real. I'm not, I'm not feeling good about it. It scares me, man. It is.

It's like these things absolutely can wipe out millions and millions of people before they can get a handle on it. I had it. I was on a plane a couple of weeks ago flying from New Orleans back here, and I had this Viking woman behind me just open mouth coughing. And I was like, first of all, no. Yeah. Second of all, I had to turn around and say, hey, can you please cover your mouth?

And I had to do that to an adult woman, and it made me feel weird. Some people are just fucking selfish. Just bleh, bleh, on a plane. Some people, they just don't care. They're just selfish. Yeah. Yeah. They don't even care that other people feel uncomfortable.

They're just like, I have to cough. Yeah, and you're going to all experience it. Yeah, some people, if they're sick, they want you to be sick. They're not happy. Malicious. Fucking assholes. And malignant.

Assholes. I'm worried. Don't be. You know what I've been worried a lot about lately is glyphosate. I've been reading into glyphosate. Same. What is that? You can't just glyphosate me.

What is that? It's Roundup. It's a chemical that they use for pesticide for agriculture. And I was reading this whole thing about glyphosate and how toxic it is and how many people have gotten cancer from glyphosate and how often they use glyphosate on vegetables. Yeah. I'm like, motherfucker.

That's why you have to wash your vegetables. I don't think you want... Yeah, it's all in there anyways. Here it is. As many as 85,000 glyphosate cancer lawsuits significantly closer to settlement after federal trial suspended. Yeah, there's a lot of motherfuckers that got cancer from this shit. That's the roundup. That's the weed thing, right?

Kills your weeds. I think it kills pesticides. It's weed and what does it say there? Scroll down. Scroll back up there. No, the actual image of the glyph. Oh, God damn it. These pop-ups. What does it say? It Scroll down. Scroll back up there. No, the actual image of the glass. Oh, God damn it, these pop-ups. What does it say?

It says weed and grass killer. Okay, so it's not a pesticide. It's just for weeds. Yeah. But I bet it kills pests, too. Oh, it kills everything. But apparently a lot of people that are gardeners And that are working on Golf courses Golf courses apparently

Get it a lot because They spray that shit everywhere because they want everything to just be grass But does it leave like a brown spot? No I don't know how the fuck it kills the weeds and doesn't kill the grass Yeah that is bizarre I'm googling too there's other stories that are going around EPA reaffirms that glyphosate does not cause cancer.

Don't worry, folks. Just drink it. There was a guy. Oh, yeah. Just drink it. There was a guy at a press conference. He was saying, I could drink this glass of glyphosate, and it wouldn't do me any harm. Some guy goes, drink it.

And he didn't. He didn't drink it. Of course not. Of course he didn't drink it. Yeah, he's full of shit. Talk the talk. Talk the talk. Yeah, talk is cheap, you fuck.

That glyphosate stuff. It's like, look, weeds are supposed to be there, man. They're supposed to grow along with everything else. That's how it's supposed to work. You can't decide what shit grows. You're supposed to pluck those weeds. That's what I was going to say. Just pull them out.

Yeah, you fucking lazy bitch. Thank God. But if you have a garden, you can pluck your weeds. But if you have a gigantic monocrop agriculture farm, 6,000 acres of corn or alfalfa or some shit, you can't really pluck it. You got to spray that bitch. I don't know, man.

Whenever something happens like this coronavirus thing, I get worried about all kinds of stuff. I start worrying about all kinds of weird fucking toxins and chemicals. Does that make sense? Yeah. Well, that's what I always think about all kinds of weird fucking toxins chemicals you know does that make sense yeah well that's what i always i think about that all the time like i do well like i grew up i grew up in the south so it's like i remember like crop dusters like flying over and i remember kill mosquitoes right yeah well the mosquitoes and then the actual like planes that would come over and just dump everything and then i look up and then I start thinking about chem trails. And then,

and this is just a Tuesday, um, you know, but I think about like that, that shit, like, you know, when it rains and then that stuff gets into the water supply and then you're

just like, Oh, I got a Brita filter, but is it really, you know, there's a, another yoga guy that I know that teaches yoga. And,

uh, he didn't know that you're not supposed to swim in the ocean right after the rain what in los angeles apparently it's super dangerous to get in that ocean yeah because all the runoff because the way la's system is you know the la river and all that jazz which is sort of a fake river it's not even a river and it's perfect for la calling the la river the LA river. It is perfect when you look at it. You're like, oh yeah, it's fake.

It's perfect. It's literally just a concrete stream. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's like a fucking gross drainage. It's just enormous. Well, when that bitch goes down into the ocean, it carries with it all the garbage, all the chemicals, oil from the streets, all that stuff. Needles.

Yeah. And it's all in the water. And so when you go surfing right after that, you get really fucking sick. And he was telling me he got deathly ill because he just didn't know any better. He was just out there. He's from Argentina, I guess, where it's not as much of an issue there. And he was in that water. He got fucked up.

He said he was a wreck for like two weeks. Yeah, that'll knock you out. I mean, if you're... That's just gross. Just sewage stew. Yeah, right? Just floating around in it. It's just weird that they decided to make the LA River like that.

Like, I've never seen anything like that. Look at the LA River. That's after a big storm. That was this year? No, that was last year. January 19th. Okay. Look at that motherfucker.

Ugh. Just all condoms and poop. I'm listening. And fucking gonorrhea. Well, that's what they did with the reservoir. They had to drain it because it was filled with shit. It was filled with shit and bodies and cars and stuff. It's like, ugh.

Well, they say so many people are on antidepressants and SSRIs and all that jazz that the water supply has a certain amount of it in it because people flush and they flush. And apparently some of the water that we use is actually recycled. They take your piss water and they turn it around. Did you know that? Nope. But now I do. Yeah.

I don't know if it's everywhere. Drink and pee. You're basically drinking recycled piss water. Yeah. Mmm. Yummy. Essentia. Have you ever seen that giant tube?

It's basically an aqueduct, but it's like a big pipe. It's like hundreds of miles long. That's how we get our water here. I've actually seen it in person. Yeah, someone walked it, I think, recently. There's a video I saw. I've seen it in person. It's crazy, I think, recently. There's a video I saw. I've seen it in person. It's crazy.

I think it goes through Tohon Ranch. It's an enormous pipe. Pipe. Yeah. So what have we learned this Valentine's Day? Everything's trash. Is today Valentine's Day? No, it's Friday.

Oh, it's Friday. I think, yeah. People are just not supposed to live that stacked on top of each other like that. We're supposed to live in small villages in the woods with just enough food. I'm down for that. I want a tiny home. Do you? Yeah.

You want one of them little mobile things? Yeah, a little tiny home in the woods. Really? With a fire pit out front. Could you survive in the woods? Probably not, but I have a lesbian friend. Yeah. Her name's Denise.

Lesbian friends are good? Yeah. The ones with those Patagonia vests Oh yeah Every carabiner I mean she She's on survival mode 24-7

She's got We have earthquake drills Every day Yeah Really? Not really Does she stay in your building? She's in the building

Yeah Oh okay Yeah she's my alpha Does she keep food? Oh yeah Really? Canned, preserved Oh okay

Storage You know you're going deep When you have that fucking preacher food you know that stuff like that jim jim baker was selling oh god did you ever see that uh it makes sense but it was just was it just like it's almost like spam but can live for it's like buckets of this rule bucket rule but he in jim baker's show he he used it as the base of a table. He's like, you could use it underneath your table. This is how you could get your kitchen table.

And he's got stacks of this stuff. And then they were sitting on it. You could use it as a stool. So your house is filled with survivor food. Yeah. So in case the shit goes down, it's everywhere in your house. You just have to open up one of these buckets. Did you ever see that video, Jamie?

Bucket rule. There's a smash cut video. Right. Who made the smash cut? Vic Berger did. That's right. That's right. Yeah.

Vic Berger's smash cut is fucking hilarious. Because Vic Berger makes a bunch of very funny internet videos as it is. But as you're watching Jim Baker, and this is the same Jim Baker from the old days when Jessica Hahn and he had an affair. See, all this stuff is the shit he's selling. This is stacked. Look, he's got it all up the stairs and shit. This is disturbing. It's stacks of survival food. You told me to do this. Look at this's got it all up the stairs and shit. It's a stack of survival food.

You told me to do this. Look at this. By the way, get a shovel. These are foldable shovels. It'll go in your backpack. Jim Baker, you ain't wearing a fucking backpack. Yeah. Look at these guys. They're like, really?

So he was banging Jessica Hahn and then Sam Kinison wound up banging jessica hahn and then oh look he's just eating it look he's like this is so good he's eating in handfuls that's what is that he's eating and he's coming out of his mouth into the bucket oh jesus christ jim literally he looks weird yeah he doesn't look like the same guy That's Tammy Faye's ex-husband She's dead now Isn't he too? She died from Diet Coke

I think she had some of that new bulk sampler She died from Diet Coke? I think they said she drank like 100 cans of Diet Coke a day And she got brain cancer Southern people love that That's what it looks like when it's cooked That will keep you alive, Justin Martindale. Look at that.

Imagine eating that. And you're fucking mixing all that together. What's in there? Diarrhea. That's definitely what's in there. Diarrhea and nacho cheese. That's like queso from Texas. No, how dare you, sir?

Real cheesy queso. I miss Texas queso. Yeah, how dare you, sir? Real cheesy queso. I miss Texas queso. Yeah, I was just there. It's good. I was just in Houston. Where are you? So was I. Where are you and when? I was there two weeks ago. I was there two days ago. Oh, okay. I was there Saturday night for the UFC. Friday and Saturday. Oh, right, right, right. That kick. Oh, that was a good kick. Which one? I don't know their names. The girl did that round-off kick to the other one. Oh, that was a couple months ago.

Oh, it was? Yeah. That's Valentina Shevchenko. I'm trying. Yeah. She fought this weekend. I'm going to get called a fag in all the comments now. Oh, how dare they?

It's okay. It's the only reason I'm here. What is that cheese stuff, though? That cheese that... You know that cheese that's like watery? It's not really cheese. What do they call it? Government cheese. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's like a... You could squirch it.

Squirch it? Easy cheese. Yeah, but it's like... Oh, Cheez Whiz. Is it Cheez Whiz? Is that what it is? The one in the tube? Yeah, it depends on which company you're buying from. I don't think I'm thinking about that though. There's a type of like liquidy cheese that people would put on nachos and stuff like that. Do you know what I'm thinking about that, though. There's a type of liquidy cheese that people would put on nachos and stuff like that. Do you know what I'm talking about?

It's nacho cheese. I don't fucking know. But it's melted. But it's like liquidy cheese. But that's what that Jim Baker gruel looks like, that he was serving up people. But that's a big thing with preachers, right? They always want to prepare you for the apocalypse with food. Yeah, because they're causing it. Yeah. That's what big thing with preachers, right? They always want to prepare you for the apocalypse with food. Yeah, because they're causing it.

That's what they do. Well, it's like I don't want to be a prepper, but I think you probably should have some food at your house. You should be ready for a couple of weeks. I know. You should be ready for a couple of weeks. And they have these things where you fill your bathtub up. It's like a bladder That you put in your bathtub And then you fill your bathtub up with water

So you always have water Because if the shit goes down If it really lasts for a couple weeks You're going to need some water That makes sense I just have bags of boxed wine in my fridge That'll help I'm ready to go

Listen, people used to live off wine They used to call off wine yeah yeah they used to call it travel it would prevent traveler's disease because uh they kill everything because if you get water from a lake right like that water's got all kinds of garbage in it right like if you get water from a lake you're drinking a bunch of different bacteria and parasites and different i mean even if it's a clear, you're really not supposed to drink the water unless you're above a certain altitude. Like I was in Alaska and I was with these guys and we were hunting and they told us we could drink this water because above 8,000 feet or whatever, beavers don't live. That's what you have to worry about.

You have to worry about beaver fever. Of course they did. They call it beaver fever. It's Jardia. It's a different beaver fever than guys get at clubs. It's a different beaver fever. Or Denise, yeah. Or Denise.

She gets that beaver fever. Always. Just to polish up her Patagonia jacket. Put on her best patchouli. A little bit behind the ears will do you. A little musk. Yeah. God.

Why is it that lesbians have never been able to form a proper neighborhood, but gay guys can do it in almost every town? Hmm. I feel like gay guys push the lesbians out. You think so? But lesbians are smarter because they'll form their own tribe. Yeah, but they never develop like, like Boys Town is legendary, right? It's like, it's- It's it is it's a gay five blocks

of gay right i call it home let's that's your spot yeah but if you think about it there's no lesbian equivalent anywhere on earth that i know of is there like a legitimate lesbian community where it's only lesbians and they get together and do lesbian things and wear cowboy hats yeah strings and yeah they have their own i mean that's the thing i feel like guys are more they want to be in charge more where lesbians can kind of just form their own little side neighborhoods they don't need the credit you know what i mean but do they no i feel like people would know if they had like a legit lesbian neighborhood like girlstown people would know

but would you want to go to girlstown oh yeah yeah guys I think that's the problem that's the thing I think guys

we're gonna go to girlstown guys go there and they ruin it yeah like I'm an ally and they meet next door and they just fucking act like

can I help you with your trash are you wanting get the fuck away from me exactly are you sure you're gay come on yeah they get that a lot. There's a lot of little organizations.

I have lesbian friends that do a thing called Babes on Bikes where they like- Motorcycles? Motorcycles, yeah. And they go travel and- That's cool. Yeah. That's cool. And they go hiking and camping and all that stuff.

Would it be fair to compare lesbians to cats and gay folks to dogs? Gay men to dogs? Like dogs like to congregate in packs? No, I'm going to reverse it. But dogs like to be in packs. I know, but dogs are loyal. No, they're not. Not sexual.

Well, I don't know how many dogs you're fucking with. Dogs will fucking hump your leg, then they'll hump Jamie's leg. Oh, that's true. leg Then they'll hump Jamie's leg Oh that's true Yeah they'll fuck everything But I feel like cats will just be Cats will just like Ugh And they'll just get out of here

That's true too Very temperamental Very sociopathic But they don't like to live In like a big pack Like the lesbians Does this make sense? It does make sense

I think I'm onto something Yeah I'm gonna lose sleep tonight People always say men are dogs But dogs are Dogs are loyal. People always say men are dogs. But dogs are loyal. They're loyal. But men are loyal. They're just not that loyal sexually.

Right. But they're loyal to each other. Good friends. My best friends are all men. I mean, I have girl, female friends. But if I need some shit, if I need, like, I'm calling Brian Callen. Like, I'm calling a male friend, you know? There's a difference, I think. I feel like gay guys are probably dogs and lesbians are wolves.

Whoa. Yeah. Dude, that's dangerous. Yeah. Them wolves are circling. They eat dogs. You've got your alphas and your betas and they all just know their place. Wolves eat dogs, you know.

Yeah. Do you think lesbians eat gay guys oh totally every day in fact five are being eaten right now as we speak viciously have you ever heard of a lesbian and a gay guy getting together and deciding they're both straight yeah they're in the south it's called conversion therapy does that work no no has that any worked on anybody i feel like i feel like that was in a documentary somewhere was like pray the gay away well you have like a yeah pray the gay way it's like i met my beautiful wife oh right and she's she was a lesbian and i was a gay man and then

it like cuts to him tapping his shoe under a bathroom stall yeah yeah that's sad shit man it is weird it's just brainwashing well it's just weird because those guys that do it, I read an article about this man who went sort of undercover to one of these Pray the Gay Away camps. He was talking about this counselor who was literally sitting behind him, like holding him during this ceremony with a boner. And the guy had a boner pressed up against his butt. You could feel the guy's boner.

And he's like, what in the fucking Sam Hill? Yeah, the the sam hell i always want to say that wasn't the sam hill sean elliott what in the sam hill it's the new porn parody of tombstone tombone that's some sad shit though man yeah it's still a thing well it'd be just for men that aren't gay to understand what it was like. Imagine if there was gay conversion therapy where people were saying, God wants you to be gay. And you've got to stop hooking up with all these ladies. And we're going to get together and we're just going to pray that gay into you. We're going to put on some Moulin Rouge soundtrack. We're going to all dress up like Cher.

Dim the lights. Lock the doors. And we're going to get up like Cher dim the lights lock the doors and we're gonna get this party started yeah yeah it's fucking it's a ruthless thing man it's a weird thing that for whatever reason society has it's taken so long particularly in this country for people to accept it that this is still up for debate with some people whether or not gay people should be allowed to be married. Oh, yeah, for sure. Did you see the woman of the... God, it went viral. It was a lady who was pro-Pete Buttigieg for president.

Yes. And then she was like, what, he's gay? Oh, well, no. It's like, wait, what? Can you find that? Can you find that? Can we play it or will we get in trouble? You probably can't play it.

Why would you get in trouble? We get pulled off of YouTube. There's copyrights on those so that they own the clip and so they want other people to go to their page to have the clip. So we put it on our page. We need to pray the copyright away. That's what we need to do. That's what we need to do.

Yeah. Some. Yeah. She was like, what? Yeah. What? He's gay. Give me that fucking vote back.

Get out of here. I had a woman. God, what was this? I was doing a gig somewhere out of town. And afterwards, we had the meet and greet. And she came up to me and she's like, I really thought you were really funny. And I was like, thank you. And she's like, I didn't even care if you were gay.

I'm like, okay. Didn't even care. I still laughed. My'm like, okay. Didn't even care. I still laughed. My job is done. I still laughed. I still laughed. And that's always how I've been. I mean, it's disgusting.

Yeah. And you made me laugh through that. So congratulations. Well, I don't talk about it. Yeah. I'm like, it doesn't define who I am. Right. It shouldn't.

No. It shouldn't. I mean, I just can't believe that it's still such an issue unless they're trying to fuck you what do you care like why do you care yeah the most interesting thing about pete budaj is that it's not that he's gay that's the least interesting thing about him yeah he's a very like basic yeah it's just very like but it's like that's what the reason why he's the guy is because he checks a lot of these progressive boxes and he's also got a shitload of people donating to him here it is he's married to him what i mean are you saying he has a same-sex partner? Look at her.

She looks like a woodchuck. Yes. She should be concerned about her diabetes. Are you kidding me? I don't want anybody like that in the White House. I don't want anybody like that in the White House. Yeah, but also, like, this is what breaks my heart, is this woman's clearly doing her job, and then she has her son with her. And she's like, no, but I'm raising my son to be open-minded because I'm a Christian as well, and love is love.

And that's what we need more of is when people cherry-pick the Bible like a Jim Baker who's like, you know, or even our amazing Christian commander-in-chief where it's like saying the bible woman then it's just yeah it's just sad it's just like i in the bible it says this and it's like well in the bible it says you can always counter go against what the bible says from a different verse it's like it doesn't say to eat shrimp or pork or anything like that but you know i'll see half these people at a chili's buffet, you know, just going to town. Yeah, eating a lot of shellfish. You imagine if you got all the way up to heaven. No.

And God was like, look, I don't care about guys fucking guys. All that clams. You guys are assholes. It says in the fucking Bible, don't eat clams. Why'd you eat clams? Did you read what I said? It was Mardi Gras. I couldn't help myself. Why are you wearing two different kinds of cloth?

You don't wear two different kinds of cloth. I know. That's in the fucking Bible. And that's the gayest thing, too. Like, if God, if I did my whole job on Earth, and I got to Heaven, and God was like, girl, two kinds of cloth. I'm like, wait, what? No!

Back to hell you go. Wait'm like, wait, what? No. Back to hell you go. Wait. Well, also, the Bible's clearly seen the hand of man. I'm sure there was probably some things that people had figured out, whether it's from psychedelic experiences or what have you, that they had. There's some core tenets. We should treat each other as if, you know, these are our brothers and sisters. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.'t steal don't murder all that stuff we can keep together and live in peace yeah and then people got a hold of it exactly they're greasy little mitts on it i think the shellfish and the cloven hoof shit like with pork like that that is in um is in the

torah or the what a great word cloven hoof yeah well you're What a great word, cloven hoof. Yeah, well, you're not an animal with a cloven hoof that eats its cud. They're like pork. You're not supposed to eat pork. But that's probably because they had trichinosis. But this woman sews. She's a witch. Right.

And what the fuck happened with Noah? How did Noah... Like, what was he doing up there? He was doing drugs. In the ark? No. I mean, for sure. He was doing drugs? Is that just... Yeah, they were all doing drugs there he was doing the ark no i mean for sure drugs yeah they were all doing drugs doing drugs yeah they were all doing drugs i guarantee you i think that's probably the root of most of these religious experiences those guys found mushrooms they were tripping balls they

came back with some really loosely put together uh commandment that they got from god like moses when he came down from the mountain in Jerusalem, the Jerusalem scholars now believe that the burning bush that talked to God or talk to Moses was the Acacia tree, which is a tree that's rich in DMT. So they believe this thing of a burning bush was actually them smoking this plant and having these psychedelic experiences and talking to it and talking to God.

Word. Makes sense, right? That's cool. What about Job and the whale? That's always confused me. Good one, right? Yeah. 40, or was it 40 days in the belly of a whale?

Maybe Job's full of shit. How about that? I would think so. Maybe Job was like a, you know, like a beloved guy and everybody's like, I don't want to believe he's lying to me. Jonah was the. Oh, it was Jonah. Jonah and the whale.

Who's Job? What did Job do? Job like worked. He had something to do with working. Oh, he's lying to me. Jonah was the... Oh, it was Jonah. Jonah in the whale. Who's Job? What did Job do? Job worked. He had something to do with working. Oh, he's a worker. He has his own book. It's the book of Job. Grew up in the South.

Didn't pay attention to Bible class. I'm sorry. And look how I turned out. Large family. He had a large family. Oh, great story. And then Lot's wife, when she turned around and turned into salt? Sure.

Well, she fucked up. Yeah. She fucked up. That was her fault. Well, how about, I mean, listen, how about Adam and Eve? How weird is that one? And Lilith. That dirty bitch wanted to eat that apple.

She did. And, you know, she didn't want to listen. Which they said the apple was a pomegranate? They said the apple could have been a pomegranate, yeah, because it's the fruit of life because it has so many antioxidants in it. There's another theory that the apple is actually, the term apple is actually based on the color red, and that it actually represented the Amanita muscaria mushroom, which was the mushroom that they believe Christianity was based on in

the first place. There's a book called The Sacred Mushroom and the Cross by a guy named John Marco Allegro, who was an ordained minister. Yeah, see that? That is an original fresco from some France. See, there's 13th century fresco depicting Adam and Eve in a tree of knowledge. So that's mushrooms. And that mushroom is a mushroom called the Amanita muscaria. The Amanita muscaria is a really cool-looking mushroom that you can find.

I found one in Colorado recently. What? Colorado? Yeah, you find them growing. Wow. Are they big like that? Yeah, they're pretty. Well, those obviously are exaggerated.

Those are really tall. No, it's the Bible. Nothing's exaggerated. Stop it. That's really cool. I never even thought about that. The sacred mushroom in the cross. Go to about that. The sacred mushroom in the cross. Go to the cover of the sacred mushroom in the cross.

You could see the image of this mushroom and you realize like, oh, that thing looks a lot like Santa Claus. It's red and white. Yeah. And there's a lot of weird parallels with Santa Claus. The mushroom grows under coniferous trees like pine trees. What? There's a mycorrhizal grows under coniferous trees, like pine trees. What? There's a mycorrhizal relationship with coniferous trees. And it grows

almost instantaneously. And that looks like a pomegranate. It does, sure. I mean, it looks like an apple, too. It does. Yeah. So that book is a really weird book. It's hard to follow. It's really complicated. But the book is essentially saying this guy john marco allegro he studied the dead sea scrolls for 14 years and his conclusion after

he was one of the people that was on the committee to decipher the dead sea scrolls from aramaic to english and after 14 years he his conclusion was that the entire christian religion was a gigantic misunderstanding and what it really was about was the consumption of psychedelic mushrooms and fertility rituals. Whoa. Yeah. Which, pagan. Yeah. Take it all back to paganism, which we're not supposed to celebrate, but we are.

But we are. Christmas is a pagan holiday. They had to move a bunch of the holidays to coincide with pagan holidays just to get pagan people on board. Yeah. You know what blew my mind? It came out like 10 years ago. It was that Zeitgeist video about Christmas and everything and Jesus and everything.

And I was just like, whoa. I had no idea. Check that out if you haven't. That's really good. When you stop and think about how long people have been telling the story of Jesus and how weird it's gotten over the years and how many times it's been distorted and twisted and changed and turned from ancient Hebrew, I mean the original Bible,

the Old Testament, ancient Hebrew, and then they converted it to Latin and Greek and then English and then the new testament and then it's so hard but if and then god's gonna punish you and and bring you to hell if you don't follow these words but they're all so screwy you're supposed to believe in all this nonsense like people coming back from the dead there's john marco allegro so the dead sea scrolls were found in this it's a crazy story because they were found in kumran which is in israel and they found them in these uh caves and they were in these clay pots and they were made out of animal skins they were written on

animal skins and they actually had to do dna tests on the animal skin so they could line up the pieces with the ones that were from the same animal so they can make this sort of assumption that this all was one piece because a lot of it was all broken up. So they had to put it all back together again and try to figure out what it all meant. And he came up with this one theory that the word Christ, it comes from an ancient Sumerian word which means a mushroom covered in God's semen. What? Yes. Not semen. that the word Christ, it comes from an ancient Sumerian word, which means a mushroom covered in God's semen.

What? Yes. Not semen. It's come. It's a come shroom? The rain was come. Oh, man. The rain was like God's semen, and then these mushrooms would come out of the ground right after the rain, right?

Because you've seen when it rains, the next day these mushrooms are huge. Yeah, they're massive. Yeah. Well, they eat them. They trip balls. And they think that it's coming from God. And so all the stories in the Bible were essentially about them trying to hide these mushroom rituals in allegories and parables and all these different stories that made sense to them but wouldn't make sense to their conquerors like the Romans. Whoa. Bro.

Because I mean I feel like if after a big rainstormstorm because those mushrooms pop out of the ground really fast so they probably they don't have tv they don't have instagram so they're probably like whoa these weren't here like two days ago let's try them out well you ever talked to duncan trussell about when he used to live in asheville no when he used to live in asheville they'd actually spray things on the manure to keep the mushrooms from growing. Because so many psilocybin mushrooms grew in the manure out there. And they even added things to the cow's diet. And they were trying everything to kill these mushrooms.

Because these college kids, Duncan, Duncan Trussell and his buddies would go out to the fields and there would be fucking mushrooms everywhere. Because Asheville, North Carolina is a great environment. Yeah, humid. Yeah, moist and everything's green and lush these cows just fucking lay turds and these mushrooms would grow out of them and they would all these kids would trip balls yeah and duncan talks with with great fondness of his college days just going out into the fields and finding mushrooms and they would all just trip their fucking just sit out in the field and it can do it overnight like it rains and then the next day you go out in the morning and it's like fucking five pounds of mushrooms just floating around oh good times good times that's next that's next for decriminalization mushrooms yeah that's next they're gonna make that happen they're gonna

make it happen it's already decriminalized in colorado my friend shot evans was here yesterday he was talking about it i think they're gonna pull that off in california as well they have to they just like just even from micro dosing if we could just get everyone to microdose the world would be so much better i feel like that's the new trend right now i hear that all the time yeah everyone's just like i just microdose it is my i've done it a bunch of times someone i know i know somebody who microdoses acid. I'm like, shit. A lot of guys in Silicon Valley do. That's crazy.

Yeah. They think it keeps all their negative chatter at bay. I had a buddy of mine who was just here the other day and microdoses. He says he takes it every three or four days. Acid? That's his thing. No, no, no. Mushrooms.

Mushrooms. Like the little capsules? Little pills? Yeah. They grind it up. They grind up the mushrooms and he'll take one capsule every three or four days, and he said it just keeps negativity out of his head, keeps him positive, keeps him healthy. See, that makes sense.

Yeah. A lot of fighters are into it now. Yeah. I feel like that's what they did with weed. It's like I just feel like, especially now in California, I just feel like more people are just kind of chill with it. You know what I mean? I just remember, like, I can't even go back to, like, back in the day of, like, I got a joint.

Let's go smoke it in the car. Like, shh, shut up, shut up. Hold on, the car's driving by. Especially if you were traveling. Yeah. Yeah. Joey Diaz, there's a famous film of we went to Austin, Texas, and Joey Diaz used to hide the weed under his balls. And he's on the Alex Jones Show talking about how he hides weed under his balls.

And it's there now? It's probably stuck there somewhere. He probably forgot about it. But that's what he used to do. He used to take a little baggie, put his weed in the baggie, zip it up, and tuck it under his balls and his underwear. God, that's crazy yeah you had to you had to be careful yeah i knew guys that would put it in coffee yeah yeah coffee and then now you just have a bag of gummies and you're like whatever they don't even know what it is i

mean how many people are vapors yeah exactly yeah it's like that's a vape pen okay cool they don't check they don't give a fuck they're just just looking for bombs. And as it spreads across the country, the legality, I think it's legal, state legal in what, nine states? Something like that, yeah. And then medically legal in like 18 or something? Let's find out. How many states? Let's try it.

Jamie, let's try. Siri. I think it's, I'm going to say nine states legal, 18 states medical. Okay. Is that right, Jamie? Let's find out. I'm going to say nine states legal, 18 states medical. Okay. Is that right, Jamie? Let's find out. I think.

Look at that. Oh, shit. All those green? Yeah, the dark. The dark is legal. The dark is legal, yeah. And all the other ones are what? Medical? Yeah.

So everything's medical? Well, Texas isn't. I don't think Texas is. What is Texas? Get to Texas. Go to I don't think Texas is. What is Texas? Get to Texas. Go to Texas. Texas. Texas.

Get to Texas. The light green is nothing. Medical. CBD oil. CBD, yeah. Decriminalized. No. Well, at least they can get CBD.

Look, CBD is the gateway because that shit is so good for you. CBD is the gateway. That is the gateway. I know. They have it in everything now. Hand cream, eye drops. Medical, yes. Medical, yes. Medical, no.

Decriminalized, no. So the light ones are what? Go to light ones. Are fully illegal. What's Tennessee? That's Tennessee. My family in Tennessee. What are they?

Fully bullshit. Yeah, Tennessee. The light ones are fully bullshit. We had to sneak around in Tennessee. What is up in those green ones up north? That's Maine, Vermont. What is the squares? The squares.

The light ones down oh the yellowish ones yeah what is that wyoming no medical no decriminalized what is the one next to wyoming what is that state right next left left idaho no yeah see that's how they keep people out because colorado man when they made it legal in colorado fucking everybody moved there yeah they did colorado boom of course their uh real estate jumped tremendously they started making a shitload of money i think hawaii's got it like weird too this is mixed yeah what does it say medicinal yes medicinal criminalized laws okay so it's reduced penalty and then then Alaska is like free, right? Yeah. Legal. Powerful friends in Alaska.

God, that's crazy. It is crazy. But look, just what we're looking at there, Massachusetts legal, Maine legal, Vermont legal. What is that, Illinois? Is New Hampshire still illegal? What is New Hampshire? Mixed. Medicinal. Medicinal.

Medicinal, yeah. They don't really care. They're like Austin. They're just like, man, we're in Texas, but we're cool. But New Hampshire's weird because that's supposed to be live free. Like, they're bumper stickers. They're a license plate. Live free or die hard? No.

Live free or die trying? Live free or die. Yeah. And Florida is what, medical? Yeah. So there's really only a few backwoods states. Well, Florida, bath salts are fine. So-

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. DC thing is always weird because it's fully legal in DC. And that's not a state or a thing. I know it's the federal government city, but it's not legal. Get that cursor off the state so I can count them. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12. 12 states fully legal. 12 are legal. So what'd you say, nine? I said nine, I think., 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. 12 states fully legal. 12 are legal.

So what'd you say, nine? I said nine, I think. So 12, that's good. That's progressive. Yeah, it's nice. But I feel like it's an election year. We got, I'm sure some people are putting it on the ballot to legalize it, maybe? Well, there's a picture of Bert Kreischer taking his shirt off in the green room.

I know, crazy. That's nuts. I've never heard of such a thing. But it was the moment that weed became legal in California. Bert stripped his shirt off and started running around on stage. We were doing an end of the world podcast in the green room, or in the main room in 2016 when Trump was elected. That was a weird night.

That was a weird night. I remember where I was. I was at the improv that night. Yeah. Because we were supposed to be doing a show, and it was like a... That's right. You guys were all on stage at that table. That's right.

That's right. We did a live podcast. It was like you, Sarah Tiana. It should have been the Bill Burr show. Yeah. Because Bill Burr was on fire. He was roasting everybody. It was crazy.

It was amazing. It was a nut... I remember we were at the improv watching the election happen, and all of a sudden, everyone was going, red, red, red. And someone looked at me and was like, are we in trouble? I'm like, oh, yeah, we're totally fucked. Well, people didn't think it was coming. They had this idea.

Well, people have these ideas of what's good and what's not good, what's going to happen and not going to happen, which brings me back to this Mayor Pete guy. They came up with that guy because they said, look, here he is. He's a young, handsome guy. He's gay. He's a mayor. He speaks well. He's served in the military. So this will be the guy.

But he's also backed by all these billionaires. It's a fucking, it's a shell game. What do you mean? He's got a wine cave. Leave him alone. He's got a wine cave? What does that mean? Well, didn't, wasn't like Elizabeth Warren said something like he had this fundraiser

and a wine cave? Like, yeah, it was like all these like rich billionaires. It was like a, a, a cave. What is it called? A wine cellar, but it happened to be a cave somewhere out here in California. They're just trying really hard to keep it from being Bernie really hard. They don't want Bernie Sanders. If he gets in there, apparently, you know, he was an independent for so long and he doesn't want to play ball and he doesn't accept any money doesn't accept any money he's just like the cool grandpa yeah i think he's i mean shit i i love bernie you know why because he like you could say oh happy martin luther king day that's but then you look at an old picture of him and he's marching

next to martin luther king right for civil rights. That's amazing. You can't be like, no. Like, where were you? Right. You know, it's like, I just, I don't know. I have hope. I have hope for somebody just to. I have hope for him socially.

Yeah. I like what he stands for socially. But then you look at. I don't know if economically it's feasible because I don't understand economics. I don't know if economically it's feasible because I don't understand economics. When people start talking about – when he was on here, he was describing that if they just took a very small amount of money from every transaction that they do, like less than one cent from every transaction that Wall Street does, that it would add up to more than enough money to pay for healthcare and a lot of other things. School. He was explaining it all. And he was explaining it very calmly, and it didn't seem like he was bullshitting. I was like, I don't think he is a bullshitter.

I don't think he's a bullshitter. He's been in the game for years. He knows how it works. No, he's not a bullshitter. He knows how these people with money work, you know? Yeah. And funding. It's such a weird upheaval politically.

Things don't make 100 sense anymore yeah i have no i actually had a friend of mine ask me he's like who you know because we got our um our voter registration because we vote march 3rd here so they're like who do you who are you gonna pick i'm like i don't know i mean we're gonna go blue anyways but it's just like i honestly don't know it looks like bernie sanders gonna be the nominee for he's winning in new hampshire it looks like you are they saying he won in iowa no i think pete did he bullshit he beat him by 6 000 votes it's such a it's so creepy beat him in a dance-off so oh did he did he get down i would love to see pete just one more coin flips that's

oh that's right how about that fake coin flips. Remember that? Oh, that's right. How about that fake coin flip? They robbed that coin... Whoever that is that did that coin flip, put that kid in a jail cell. You son of a bitch. Did you see that coin flip? No, I want to see the coin flip. The coin flip's hilariously rigged.

Was this in Iowa? Yeah, hilariously rigged. Watch the coin flip. Hold on. Do it from the beginning. Watch this. Watch how bad this coin flip is. Go full screen.

Go full screen, please. And do it from the beginning. Watch this. Flips bad this coin flip is. Go full screen. Go full screen, please. And do it from the beginning. Watch this. Flips it. Catches it. Look. Pulls it so he can see. And then turns it over.

Hey, fuck you. Wow. Hey, fuck you. And no one said anything? Oh, they're all happy. Yay, it's Mayor Pete. Look. Yay.

That's what they wanted. They wanted it to be Mayor Pete. So this dude rigged this coin flip in front of the whole world. Watch this. Pulls it. Looks at it. Okay, how shall I flip it? I'll do it like that. Horseshit. That's not how you do a coin flip, goddammit. At all. At all. Iowa, learn to coin flip. Imagine if you were

betting $100 with that guy. He said, I'll bet you $100. He's like, okay, I'll flip a coin. Wow. Oh, I win. What do you mean you win, you fuck? You rigged it. Look at that. What is his jacket? What is the patch? I'm a cunt.

It says I'm a cunt. Cunt force. A thieving cunt. The cunt force, yeah. Who's really bad at coin flips. I love that woman who's like every mom in Iowa, like, I'm proud of my son. How's that old guy watching right next to me? Hey, you fuck.

That's not how you flip a coin. What country are you from? What kind of nonsense is that? That's what we need more of is just people calling out bullshit. Is that how you do it in Greenland? Because that's not how you do it in America. You don't get to look at the coin and flip it over to the other side, you asshole. Look at it.

He looked at it and he turned it. Like manipulated it with his hands. Don't do it again. Just do it again. Yeah. Well, here's how you do it. Flip that bitch. Let it land on the ground.

Yeah. Let it land on the fucker. Everybody back up. So they're doing football? Yes! And I know that. Yes! I mean...

Flip that bitch! Imagine if they did that at the fucking NFL. They would beat that guy to death. So much money on that too. So much money. Yeah. But yet this is

literally could could change politics. Like one way or the other. If Bernie gets it or if Mayor Pete gets it, the delegates, it could all add up to one guy. I mean, it could go down to the wire. I mean, that's bullshit. Creep. The whole thing's bullshit.

Bullshit. What are the comments? Oh, they went off on him. Of course they did. But this is what they did to Bernie Sanders in 2016. The DNC rigged the primaries then. They don't want him. And they're doing it now.

Because he's... Because he can't, he won't work with them. He's not corrupt. Yeah. They want someone who takes that money. They don't want Tulsi and they don't want Bernie. They pushed them out. Yeah.

Right? They effectively eliminated them as threats. Slow, but they can't. Bernie's got too much grassroots behind him. But who do you think, say if he gets the nomination, who do you think he'll pick as vice? If he picks Tulsi, he'll be smart. Two of them together would be a dynamic team. What if he picked AOC?

No, she's too young. She's only 28. She can't be president. She could be vice, no? I don't think so. You don't think so? You have to be 36 to be president. If he gets shot in the head, then what happens?

Oh, God. Sorry. They probably would. I mean, if he caused Wall Street billions of dollars in losses, it could be real ugly for him. I don't think they're going to shoot him, but they're definitely poisoning him. You have to be 35 to be vice president. Yeah. She's too young.

She's 28? Yeah. Well, that's why she says things that don't totally make sense sometimes. Well, we all do. One of the things she said, it's impossible to pull yourself up by your bootstraps in this country. By the shoelaces. Yeah. Yeah, I saw that.

But here's why that's not correct. She used to be a waitress. Now she's a congresswoman. She's literally living proof that you can. You can pull yourself up from the bootstraps. She just worked hard. She worked hard. I understand what she's saying.

She's talking about working families that are really poor and that have multiple jobs and that are struggling and they're never going to be rich. They're never going to be wealthy. They're never going to be middle class. She's right in that regard. There's a lot of people that because of their circumstances, because of their responsibilities, they can't take any chances. They can't do the things that she did.

She's young and single. She's right in that way. But I don't – see, I have a twisted relationship with this whole idea of democratic socialism i'm a hundred percent in favor like me personally of paying more taxes if i really felt it was going to make an impact for the better of humanity if it was going to improve schools for kids that live in bad neighborhoods if it was going to uh be develop community centers in bad neighborhoods it was it was going to provide better health care for people. I'm all in for that.

I just don't trust the government, meaning I don't trust the kind of people that you would give that money to, and then they would allocate it however they would, the way they'd like to do. I just don't know if they're efficient. I don't know if they're reasonable. I just, most people that work in government, like I don't know if they have the capability of change on a large scale or if they're already so compromised in so many different ways that it would just be throwing money away. Right, right.

Did you see the video with I don't know what it came out. It's Adam Carolla sat down with Tucker Carlson. Did you see that? What did they talk about? They talked about like California. They talked about the homeless epidemic that's here in California and how, I'm going to try and quote it right, how he says the government just kind of looks a blind eye because we are a city and a state that lives on permits and parking and licenses and we just want that money. So it's like if he says something, Forest Lawn Memorial, like how you look across the way and there's all these, you know, immigrants and whatnot, like selling flowers, you know, but like a woman driving without a license plate, she'll get pulled over and charged. But all these other people, it was kind of interesting. And I hate saying, I hate being like, oh, Tucker Carlson, but it was just, it was actually a really interesting interview.

That's probably a good point. Yeah. California would care about the homeless if you could get money from them. If we could get money from them sure and on the way over here too i was just looking at all these tents and it's just so fucking sad it's so sad it's really sad and it keeps growing it keeps growing i live in west hollywood and i remember like a couple years ago because you know it went from downtown and then downtown pushes them all out so they keep going west keep going west some go to the beach some go to santa monica but now it's like i live in an area that you know six seven years ago it was it was fine but now it's like even on the way to go

get coffee this morning i walk everywhere i go it's like i saw like three three homeless people just outside just screaming at nothing you know they're in tattered clothes and they're dirty and they're you know i went i used to work with a girl years ago um at a restaurant when i waited tables and she's now homeless and she's like out of her mind and i feel bad was she always over mine no no she her you know her name was lotus you know she did yoga and now what happened i don't know i don't know try to talk to her i did when it was like i got to watch the progression of the illness yes so i would see her every now and then i was like hey what's going on because like back when the recession happened you know we were rating

tables so we bounced from job to job because one day we'd go to work and there'd be chains on the door because they couldn't pay us so we had this little kind of group that we would go apply together at different jobs. And then I started seeing her out on the street, just walking around. I was like, hey, what's going on? Hope you're doing well. And she just kind of never let me know how she was really doing. And then like a couple of years would go by and I'd see her and I'm like, she looks a little out of it.

And I would say hi to her and she wouldn't respond. And then now it's full on like teeth are missing and running down the street crying and it just breaks my heart because it's like I don't know what to do and I don't know if she would be willing or uh how tight were you with her I mean you had her phone number no no no I don't I mean I don't even know she has a phone I can't right but did you at one point in time I think so yeah yeah and it's like it's just that like inner guilt and you're just like god how did it get so bad she had an apartment you know i think her parents passed away and that might have like set her you know spiraling but yeah i remember just like doing a spot at the laugh factory one night and walking outside and you know how everyone they just keep

everyone outside like you do and and she just like barreled through everybody just screaming nonsense and like shit like teeth missing and it's just sad it's just really really sad and then i'm at the gym working out and i'll see her like down there you know with her garbage and everything and yeah she doesn't it's just sad it's it's a lost cause when you knew her she didn't seem like she had any mental health issues no really no i mean she would talk she would do yoga i mean i remember her um she was always sweet lotus well her name was lotus harmony which i don't know if that's a real name but at the time um that's how i knew her and she was always just this sweet lady. Beautiful skin, beautiful smile, always in a good mood.

When she got mad, you were like, oh, man, Lotus is pissed. Because she was always so friendly. And then now you're just like, damn. I don't know what to do. I would love to help her because it just breaks my heart. Homeless people break my heart, but female homelessness really, really is sad for me. Yeah.

Because we're sexist. Well, it's, it's, I feel the same way. You know, it's just like someone's daughter, someone's wife,

someone's just out there, you know, vulnerable to the elements and predators. And it's just, you know, it breaks my heart. No, it's awful but i i think

most of what you're seeing with homeless people is people that are severely mentally ill so you gotta wonder like what cause maybe she was on medication and her yeah her you know her insurance ran out yeah she couldn't full-on joker yeah yeah yeah dude that's real it is real it's fucking real there's a lot of people out there with giant mental health issues. I mean, I know several people who, you know, they would have anxiety. A guy that I used to date, it's like, you know, we dated for a long ass time. But it's like if he didn't have his anti-anxiety. Yeah.

Like, and he got off that. I mean, he would full on have a panic attack and that would get dirty. And I had to witness that, which was insane. Yeah. People that lose it because of their off their medication. Yeah. That's a sad situation because you're like,

you're always going to be tethered to this thing. Good word, by the way. Use it twice today. Did I? Yeah. You said it earlier before we started. I probably use it all today.

Yeah. I just hope it works. Tether tuesday hashtag tethered tuesday it's you know like what happens to them if the fucking coronavirus hits and they get locked indoors for six months and you just become agoraphobic and lose your shit well we were talking about this the other day that most of what this is all happened from the reagan administration during the reagan administration they changed the standards of what it means to be mentally ill and they just released people from asylums because they didn't want to pay for it all and you know that look if la is la is a city of 20 plus million people, which is as many people in LA as I think is in all of Australia. So think about that. Think about the amount of money and that they can't make asylums here.

Think about how many abandoned buildings there are. True. How much money would it cost? There's currently somewhere in the neighborhood of 70,000 homeless people. currently somewhere in the neighborhood of 70 000 homeless people yeah they said there was some statistic that said there's more empty apartments in this town than homeless people the thing is though that those folks don't just need a place because they'll fuck that place up and rehabilitate punch holes in the wall and shit in there and stuff smear it yeah they're crazy yeah they what they need is help and they need medication and they need counseling and they need

i mean and some people i don't i mean i'm not a mental health expert i don't some of them you might not be able to do anything to some some some are so gone you might not and also they get so filled with despair yeah i knew a bunch of guys that were homeless back from my pool hall days there was a bunch of guys that would hang around the pool hall they would even sleep on the floor and you know i knew guys who try to sleep in people's couches they'd sleep at the bus stops and then they'd come to the pool hall they would even sleep on the floor and you know i knew guys who try to sleep in people's couches they'd sleep at the bus stops and then they'd come to the pool hall and try to hustle up enough money to get some drugs and yeah it was they were stuck in this place

where they could never get past where they were they were just in a rut and they could never get out of it and it was just it's heartbreaking's heartbreaking. Yeah. Despair. Yeah. There's so much despair. Because you're just like, what happened? For instance, the other day, I'm walking down Santa Monica Boulevard over by Barney's Beanery. And I just hear a. And I look over. And this kid's like, had to be 22, 23 years old. And I was like, what happened?

Where are your parents? One too many auditions. Blew a fuse. Yeah. I had to be 22, 23 years old. And I was like, what happened? Where are your parents? One too many auditions. Blew a fuse. Yeah. Just snapped. If I hear no one more time. No.

I know. CAA dropped him and he's just out there. CAA dropped him. I'll show you Hollywood Reporter. You motherfuckers. God. There are people though that you meet in this town where you meet them early in their journey and they still have hope. Like, it's not worked out yet, but it's gonna. I'm gonna make it.

And then you run into comics. Yeah. Oh, I mean, that's the thing. I think it's so relatable in our field as well because you know those people. Yeah, we do know those people. I want to say I almost was one of those people. Were you? Oh, yeah.

When? What time? I mean. Give want to say I almost was one of those people. Were you? Oh, yeah. When? What time? I mean. Give me a time where it was. 2002 and then 2005. Really? Yeah. I mean, there were several.

I didn't meet you until when? 2007-ish? I want to say, yeah, I think I met you at the Ice House when we were podcasting out there. Yeah. And then when you came back to the store. That was like 14, 2014. Yeah, that's when I saw you again. And even then it was like, you know, I'm making it work.

And I remember you looked at me and you go, you're the weirdest gay guy I've ever met. And I was like, fuck yeah. Why did I say that? I don't know. We were probably all really high. Yeah, probably so. You probably didn't know what I was that? I don't know. We were probably all really high. Yeah, probably so. I probably didn't know what I was saying when I was saying it. But I mean, I feel like that's, you know, you get through that struggle and you get through the years of being hungry and the years of like, can I pay my rent this year?

And you do whatever you can to just scrounge everything up and do it. So you had those moments where you're like, this might not work out. I might go crazy. do it so you had those moments where you're like this might not work out i might go crazy or what's my other option move home or suicide damn yeah i mean this sounds hard it's very hard well it's also you see so many people that are doing well right like it seems so far out of reach like when you're broke and you see some guy driving by in a mercedes convertible you're like you know you see these people going into those big high rises off of la cienega you know doorman there and everything but

no one lives there no one lives oh no one can afford that shit are you kidding me i mean there's maybe like what i've heard is that the they build those and then the Saudis want their kids to come to school here and get an American education. So they just buy them for him. But nobody. Have you done any research on this or is this just I've overheard some things. Well, where the real money is, is that Wilshire stretch? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That that is. And that's always been there. Yeah. There's a the weekend just bought some fucking redonkulous penthouse up there. That makes sense. Yeah, you get some crazy-ass view. But isn't it weird that that one strip is where all the luxury apartments are? Wilshire?

Yeah. Going west of Wilshire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like one area around the Santa Monica area. Where the fire happened, right? Right. That was the Palisades, right? No, that was Wilshire and...

Oh, Brentwood? Yeah. They had a fire in the Palisades, too. Westwood. Westwood? There was a fire in the Palisades. There was a fire in... There's fucking...

Fires everywhere. I know. Everything's on fire. This whole thing can catch on fire any day now. So what turned it around for you? What made it feel like it's going to be okay do you remember you know what i'm gonna say something and it's going to come across really cheesy and but it's real um i just believed in myself that's not cheesy that's i i had to be like you know what

i know i've been doing this for so long i know who i am i know what i've got well ever since i've seen you you've been a killer thanks like you're really funny thank you man like i've seen some sets from you in the main room like this motherfucker is you're free you know you're up there you're free yeah you're like you're you're loose and unrestrained you know you're fucking funny thank you but i didn't see you when you weren't so like when i saw you you were doing well right like from the moment i saw you when i first met you and a lot of it i think was pressure from mitzi because i skipped all that i skipped the open mics i skipped all of that i just remember being at my lowest of lows and being like what

do i have to lose and i remember being a kid and being like, what do I have to lose? And I remember being a kid and being like, you should do stand-up because I idolized Joan Rivers and Robin Williams. And I remember being like, fuck it. Let's try it out. And I remember getting- How old were you when you got on stage? Doing stand-up? First time. It was 2008.

Yeah. That was your first time on stage first time yeah so you thought about it for a long time before you did it for a long time and then so from 2008 to 2009 or october 2008 to june 2009 that's when i had an open mic at the store and i just remember michael jackson just died and i just remember it was like this energy was crazy that night. And there was an open mic. There was like 16 comics in the main room, and I was like 14. And I was like, no.

And then they were like, Justin's going third. So we didn't start doing the podcast at the Ice House until 2009. Yeah, it was right after I got passed. No, I don't think we started at the Ice House until 2011, now that I'm thinking about it. I think we mostly did it at my house for the first year or two was 2000 yeah 2011 that makes sense that's probably when i met you so you but you were already rolling by then well no i had no idea on stage you were doing well i was doing well but i didn't know who i was i knew how to make people laugh but i didn't know like what

i didn't know the process and so mitzi was the one who like passed me. I'm the last guy she passed at the store. Whoa. And so I just remember being like, Oh, she didn't say anything. She just pointed, she looked at Tommy and said, make him a regular.

And he was like, like development spots. And she's like, no, he's ready. And then I remember being taken away and they were like, you've just been passed by Mitzi short. Like it was like a weird,

like Renfaire wizard thing. Like what has happened to you never happens. And then I just remember being like, oh shit. Like I did my research about the place and I just remember being like, oh damn. And I'm looking at her right now.

Yeah. And just that feeling of like, I've got to make this happen. I've got to make sure. Cause she had never, I don't even know when the last time she came to the store was. But, you know, everyone kind of knew she was ill. And I just wanted to be like, God, I hope this wasn't like just her having dementia and being like, him. Because, you know, like, oh, she's insane.

She picked that guy. Dude, when she passed me, I didn't sleep that night. Really? No. I was lying in bed. I remember thinking, I can't believe. Like, I'm a paid regular at the store. I was already on TV.

Yeah? I was already on a TV show. Yeah. That didn't mean shit to me. Yeah. What meant something to me was, like, I was a real comic now. That's a stamp of approval. I had already been paid.

I'm starting to cry. Aw, Joe. Get in touch with the emotions. It's normal. I'd already been doing stand-up for money. I'd done a lot of headlining gigs. I did some road gigs, and I did a lot of stuff around New York before I came to L.A. I did some road gigs, and I did a lot of stuff around New York before I came to L.A.

And then I was out here in 94, and first she made me a non-paid regular. And I would go on last every night, and I was here every night because I didn't have any friends. I was staying at the Oakwood Garden Apartments, those pre-furnished apartments, and I was on this television show that was terrible, and I was just going to the store every night. I would work all day during the thing. I didn't have any friends and then I would go to the comedy store and that's where I tried to find a home. A family.

Yeah. Yeah. So I got these late night sets and it was always like five people in the audience, six people in the audience and then one night she passed me. She passed me. I've told the story before but

there was a guy named the todd and the todd had uh he's eventually he developed like some pretty severe um brain issue like and uh he he went insane and it was really sad because back then i had seen him before i ever came out here on mtv on the half hour comedy hour. Oh, huh. And, um, he sat down next to Mitzi while I was on stage and laughed his ass off. Just, ah, is this the OR or the main room? In the OR,

in the OR. And then, uh, I came off stage and she just goes, okay, you're passed. That was it. That was it. That was my second audition for the first one.

She made me a non-paid regular and I did that for months and then I became a paid regular. But the Todd pulled me aside and he said, he goes, I sat there. And he goes, you were really funny. He goes, but I sat there, and I laughed really fucking hard. And I told Mitzi, you were really funny. And he goes, and you're going to do that for other people someday. Yeah. It's a cool feeling.

It's a cool feeling to – I actually had the moment of seeing her. I think it was at the – it it was a reunion what was the 40th reunion something a couple years ago and they had me on like the class of 2000s it was like natasha and some other people were on the lineup maybe even duncan i don't know and she was sitting in the back they brought her in in her wheelchair and i was like i have back. They brought her in, in her wheelchair. And I was like, I have to say hi to her. You know, I'd never,

I didn't get to say hi to her. I didn't get to meet her the last time she just pointed and took off. And I kind of like, I went up to her and I looked in her eyes and I shook her hand and I said, hi, I'm Justin. It's an honor to meet you. And I just want to say thank you because you changed my life.

And she just stared at me. And I, I was like, she doesn't even know. And you changed my life and she just stared at me and I I was like she doesn't even know and then all of a sudden she just squeezed my hand and that was it that's all I needed so that that to me was like oh she's there she gets it yeah you know she'd have those moments that she'd be in and out but I mean that's everything that i've done that's led up to where i'm at now has been for her too because i haven't had other than my other than my mom um and my friends back home i've never had somebody really believe in me like that you know what i mean right it's very special it's very special and just yeah to be a part of a family.

Stamp of approval for her. Yeah. And that's what it was. I mean, and that's what helped me getting out of that, like, I'm not good enough and, oh, I'm moving home. It's like, oh, wow, I actually have a home now. And every time I go there now, I just feel so welcome and, you know, it's nice. It's a fraternity. It's a sorority.

It's a university you know i mean yeah it really is it's hard to describe for people that don't know you know like i was talking to bill maher and he was telling me he doesn't go to clubs he's like i don't i'm not going to the fucking clubs i'm like why wouldn't you go to the club you don't like going to the clubs he's like i graduated from that i'm a gun with that i'm like graduated i'm like dude i'm never leaving if you graduate at least you have an alma mater you know go back well it's not even that it's just like why that's that's the gym yeah it is the gym yeah i mean it's totally the you're not done learning never done stand-up is never over it's an endless journey and especially if you do new specials right because you Because you abandon your material, and then you're starting from scratch every few years.

You're never done. You have to be around. I don't think there's any other way. I've done it different ways. There was a time where I was gone from the store, where I wasn't doing my best work, and I was doing way more gigs for the UFC, and and i wasn't working in the clubs as much and my stand-up just wasn't as sharp it just wasn't as good there's no way around it it's like you have to do the work there's no other way and it's also there's something about that environment that

place it's so uh nurturing it is you know it's it's crazy because it's like I'm now on the road and it's my first time actually performing in theaters, which is crazy. But I feel like the main room and the OR and all that has been that gym, like you said, where you're just like, okay, I'm ready to do this. I remember doing the Grand Ole Opry last year in Nashville as a kid from the South. The Ryman Theater. The Ryman. And they just were like all right get out there and i went out there my mom's in the crowd like i was just it was so over i didn't even think about it until afterwards and i just remember walking out there and just be like holy shit i'm at the goddamn grand old opry and it was just and i just let's go yeah like this is what you were this is what you were made for. Let's go.

I try to talk to people about what it's like to hang out at the store. Like, people that have never been, like, why are you there so often? I'm like, man, just come with me one day. Just come with me one day when I walk through the building. Yeah. It's pretty. We're so lucky. It's magical is really what it is. And, you know, it's a place where, you know, there's egos and there's, you know, rivalries,

I guess. And it's- There's a few that I've heard of. Yeah. I don't- But I try not to be part of it. A couple of gals don't like each other. A couple of gals don't like each other. That's all I know about.

I know about a couple of gals. Yeah. I don't know about any dudes. You know any dude rivalries? Meh. Do you? Do I know about. I know about a couple gals. Yeah. I don't know about any dudes. You know any dude rivalries? Do you? Do I? Yeah. You don't have anybody, right?

Do you? You might? We don't have to discuss it. We can keep it positive. I don't have rivalries. I just, here's my thing. A couple people are annoying. A couple people are annoying, and a couple people need to check themselves, because there's

a lot of like i just said ego and bullshit and i just don't have time for that right yeah right but you know for the most part it's just all hugs right yeah yeah yeah i will say that like if you see somebody can just catch up you haven't seen them in months you just hug them yeah and you just pick up right where you left it's in an it's like an empowering environment like it nurtures you like you get there you feel great. That's why people come there even if they don't have a spot. There's a lot of comics that are on the road.

They don't even want to do a spot, but they want to come to that back bar and hang out. I was just in town. I wanted to hang out. Ron White does that shit all the time. Oh, yeah. Ron White's always there. Always there. Well, he has a house.

He has a house in Beverly Hills, so he just gets in his car and says, fuck it all. Come on. We'll hang out. Yeah, that back bar is great. Back bar changed everything. Yeah. You know, it gave us a place.

It gets infiltrated some days by normies. Some days, it's now being infiltrated. Normies. We need to stop the infiltration. Because all of a sudden

they'll be there asking questions like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. This is not what this is for. Yeah. It's not here for you to grill me on how do you get started

and how do you do this and how do you do, hey, hey, hey. I'm here with the comedians. Yeah. I'm supposed to hang out with my friends. I's not here for you to grill me on how do you get started and how do you do this and how do you do that. Hey, hey, hey. I'm here with the comedians. I'm supposed to hang out with my friends. Oh, I did a spot up in the belly room. Did you really? Did you?

Get out of here. Did you really? Where's your name on the wall? Get out of here. Well, that's the thing, right? Anybody can go up in the belly room if it's one of those weirdo shows. But we like the weirdo shows. Hey, man, that's how people get started.

I started a show there that got picked up. It's coming out next month. What is it? In March. Yeah, it's the show that we got. What are you laughing at? You're already laughing. Because we started it two years ago in the belly room.

What is it? It was called Stand Up to the Streets. Stand Up to the Streets? Yeah, it was a dance battle. You know how they roast battles? Yeah, a dance battle. So we started it two years ago, my friend Justine Marino. And the first day we were supposed to do it, you actually bumped us out of the belly room.

How did I bump you out? I don't know. You were just like, I'm doing it tonight. We were like, ah, damn it. Joe wins again. Nobody told me about it. No, no. Of course not.

But then- Comedy Store must have just offered it to me. I think they did. But then we did it monthly. Every month, we went in there and did it sold out every night and then this network was like hey let's put this on tv and it's coming out in march what's it on it'll be on the e-network i was hoping you didn't say bravo well same thing let's be honest isn't that where the keeping up with the kardashians is that your lead-in

uh no i don't my wife was in the gym the other day watching that. I walked in. I go, why? Yeah. You're smart. Yeah. You're interesting. What are you doing?

She likes being distracted by nonsense. Well, that's it. That'll do it for you. They fucking know how to do it too. It's like a hypnosis show. They have these smash cuts.

They go quickly from one person to the next and there's just enough drama. They're like, how are they going to resolve this? But it's also like mind hypnosis. Because you're just watching. They're like, the other day I had a salad.

And it was really good. And you're like, why do I care? But tell me more about the salad. I think I'm getting arthritis because my wrist hurts. We want to have a Candyland-themed party, but with no candy. What? You know what I want? I want to take them and swap them out

on Naked and Afraid. Absolutely. Take them and just drop them off in the jungle. See how they survive. Naked and Kayfraid. That's it.

You know, I mean, have them do something really difficult. Like change a tire? Just fucking anything. Hard. Their life is,

I mean, it's really interesting because I made sort of a, I don't know what she would say, not an oath, but I decided to stop making fun of Kim Kardashian after she started letting people out of prison. Yes. I'm like, that's powerful. She's real.

Like that, she's really doing something, like genuinely good. So I'm going to stop mocking her. I will. You have to. But it's, you know, she wants to So I'm going to stop mocking her relentlessly. You have to. But it's like, you know, she wants to be a lawyer. Does she? Go for it.

Well, yeah, she's in law school. Is she really? Yeah. She's going to law school. Yeah. Does she go there or does she do it at home? Does she have her assistant do it and tell her what the answers are? She gets the cliff notes, yeah. Yeah.

I think she's actually doing it. You know, her dad was a... Yeah. Her dad was a... Robert Kardashian. Yeah. He got the OJ offj off yeah or he helped as part of the dream team yeah but it's apparently the one they hand oj into the bag of blood too

bag of bloody clothes you heard it first that's what i heard oh man i don't know if that's true but i i don't you know and you gotta i don't know i can't knock i can't i know she's doing good i talk shit about him. Like it sucks. Cause I have like videos up from like years ago. And then I went to the, um, of me just shitting on them. And then,

and then I went to the people's choice awards and I had my friend, Trevor rains, like do this. Like he designed this like amazing country Western tuxedo, but it was all their faces crying. It was so awesome. Check out my Instagram. It's so good but it was all their faces crying it was so awesome check out my instagram it's so good it was all and i sat and this waiter came over to me and he goes um you know they're sitting right next to you right and i was like shit i was freaking out and so then they all come

over and they're sitting right there and i'm like oh like my butthole went your oh look at your jacket kim looks up at me and she just goes oh my god that's amazing and i'm like oh and then she's like mom look and then chris is trying to turn around and she can't and then and then chloe's there and then courtney courtney loved it and then they start taking pictures of me on their um instagram stories and i'm like oh my god and then i got up to go say hello look at that who's it isn't that dope that's when i worked at e uh well they're not all crying they just but they all look at that one it's wonky there's crying it's it was awesome that's a great pick and then uh i got up to go say hi to them and that's when i security guard almost like body

slammed me really look at the one at the bottom you, and that's when the security guard almost body slammed me. Really? Look at the one at the bottom. You'll get a full one. Their security guard? They have overzealous security guards? Oh, yeah. Well, after she got kidnapped in Paris. Exactly.

And then I thought to myself, I'm like, Justin, what the hell are you doing? You're six foot four. You can't just walk over like a normal person. Sit down, you fucking commoner. Know your place. Well, not only that. You have pictures of them all over your jacket. So the security guard might think you're fucking insane. And by the way, you look insaneer. Know your place. Well, not only that, you have pictures of them all over your jacket, so the security

guard might think you're fucking insane. And by the way, you look insane. Look at that face. What are you talking about? That's just a strong jawline. Look. What's going on here? Look at you.

That was, yeah. You look like a crazy person. You definitely, you look good, though. Thank you. It's not bad. Yeah, represent. For a ridiculous jacket and everything like that? I mean, I wanted it.

You look clothed. It was stupid. I wanted it to be stupid and fun and campy and so what were you doing there what were you there for uh i was there at the people's choice awards because i used to host a show on e called what the fashion what the fashion yeah so it was like the it was like the millennial version of fashion police what is it like working at e now well i don't work there anymore well what well you know it wasn't that long ago was it like yeah um it seems like an incredibly frivolous pursuit well i didn't really

i didn't really get i worked there for two years so i i built this show up from the ground up called what the Fashion. And then, oh, shit, we're doing an exclusive, aren't we? Are we? Are we? Yeah. Yeah. And it was for Snapchat Discover.

And it was awesome. And it was a great platform. So it started on Snapchat? Mm-hmm. Whoa. Yeah. You're one of those guys. One of those guys.

Who knew? And then, you know, I used to write for Joan on Fashion Police a couple times. Do you have a YouTube channel? No. You should. Do I? Fuck yeah. Is that still a thing? Dude.

I'm starting a podcast. Oh, you are? Yeah. Well, you definitely should have one of those. I'm going to do it, yeah. But why don't you have a YouTube channel? I don't know. Like, it's a great way to just put up content.

Yeah, I'll take the note and do it. Well, I'm going to. Dude, you'd be giant. Well, What the Fashion has a YouTube channel, so it's all up there. I know. Fuck them. But I got out of there in December, but I left just because I didn't get to really do all the fun stuff.

What's the fun stuff? Well, you know, like red carpet and go to the events and stuff. Dude, if you have a popular YouTube channel, you can do that. And bonus, no boss. Yeah, no boss. That's what I had to learn. I had to learn to be my own boss at the end of the year. That's this.

That's right here. You're on a show with no boss. Wait, you don't have a boss? No boss. Wow. Yeah. You're a boss-ass bitch, aren't you? Boss-ass bitch.

Yeah. I know. So that's what I'm learning this year is to be my own boss. Yes, you can do it. Mm-hmm. 100%. I just try to encourage as many comedians, you can do it. Mm-hmm. A hundred percent. I just try to encourage as many comedians as possible to do it.

It's like you can put up content of your own. Mm-hmm. You can do anything on your own. I mean, so many people, like Tim Dillon,

perfect example. Oh, by the way, have you seen these? I just got this exclusively. Ah. The I Love Daddy Tim Dillon shirt. Oh, is that him in drag it's him as megan mccain

oh i got blocked by her you did too on twitter yeah tim dylan of course he did why did you get blocked by her i just said something on twitter it was just kind of like what'd you say i don't remember but i i i told her to fucking calm down and now now she's like, my father, my father, my father, my father. And now she's like, I love gay people. And I'm like, okay, bitch. But yeah, that's a good stamp of approval, too. Getting passed by Mitzi, getting blocked by Meghan McCain. Well, she blocked Tim Dillon, and he was very excited about it.

It's kind of an epic thing. I got blocked by Chloe Grace Moretz. Who's that? She's an actress Why'd she block you? Because I yelled at her In a movie theater Whoa

She was on her phone Really? Yeah And I was watching The Purge So I was like in the moment She was talking on the phone In a fucking movie theater? No she was on it

She was like checking Instagram Full brightness Just No Yeah And she was sitting in the front And I Oh I was livid

I've talked about this several times. And I'm still fucking triggered. How did she know that it was you? She didn't know it was me. Because it was dark. And I went over and screamed at her. And told her to get off her fucking phone. Then I turned around.

The audience started clapping. Because everyone was pissed off. So I was a movie hero. Nice. And then as I went out, someone was like, that's the girl you were yelling at. And paparazzi were all around her and I was like oh I'm taking this

to Twitter I'm gonna tweet and I started tweeting at her saying hey bitch get off your phone in the movie theater especially if you're

an actress and we're paying money to see you doing movies you know and then she blocked me so then I wasn't done yet I tweeted her boyfriend

at the time's mom who happens to be Victoria Beckham Posh Spice, and was like, hey, your son's dating an asshole. You know who didn't block me? Victoria Beckham. She probably didn't like her either. Yeah.

I bet she didn't. Fucking her son. She's probably angry. That dirty bitch. Getting her bad breath over my son's dick. God. Jesus. Wait, I just got a notification. She just blocked son's dick. God. Jesus. Wait, I just got a notification.

She just blocked you on Twitter. You made it. Good. I don't check. Oh, my God. You can block me all day on Twitter. I will never notice. Who's the most famous person who's ever blocked you?

I don't have no idea. You don't know? You don't care? I stopped reading Twitter mentions and all that stuff a long time ago. I need to get better at that. I don't read shit. I'm going to do it, though. I need to get better at that. I don't read shit. I'm going to do it, though. I'm going to read these comments.

Why? Because it kind of gets me hard. It's so silly. I just think the whole premise of comments is fascinating to me. How someone takes time out of their day to just this motherfucker. Like, you know,

it just, it just blows my mind, you know? And it's funny because sometimes they're very supportive. Like once, once I left the show, you know, people are coming in and tagging me and stuff and being like,

we want Justin back. Where's Justin? The show's not the same. And I'm just kind of like, well, it ran its course, you know, I did my thing and I'm moving on right um but it just it's just so funny how

some people are just like you know i did uh what's it called lights out with david spade the other day and it was like get this faggot off the show and i'm like shit how rude i know it's just but it makes me laugh because i'm like well who's who's on the show? Me, not you. So who's the faggot now? I don't think that changes. I don't think that change. The people say things all day long. It doesn't change who you are.

I don't think it changes. I think what the real problem is that people have access to your emotions. If it doesn't fuck with you, then I don't, you know, if you're the one of those people, but for most people it fucks with them like burke christian said it best he goes i was looking at twitter the other day and he goes and then i was thinking why am i risking the fact that something might fuck with my head or hurt my feelings right then i get off of it that's what he said i was like that's a good point yeah because that's kind of what what it is well we live in toxic times you know it's not a

good way to talk okay because if someone's in front of you, you would rarely be that mean. It would take a lot for someone to be that mean in front of you. But on Twitter, there's no real connection. Plus, they don't like the fact that you are the guy who's on TV and they're not. That's a big thing. Like, fuck him. Why are you on there and not me? And people have this weird idea about people who are doing well

that if they're doing well, you're allowed to shit on them. You know, like, I fucking saw something where someone was talking about Kobe Bryant's wife, and they said, with all her money, she'll be fine. Oh, my God. Can you imagine thinking like that? Like, your emotions are attached to the fact that you have money. So numb.

You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You have money. Your fucking daughter and your husband died in a fiery helicopter crash. And these people, this one person was like with all her money, she's fine. Just some shallow broke bitch. She doesn't have emotions. She'll move on.

Amazing. She's got three other daughters. But it's also this thing where they feel like they're allowed to do that because you are really successful. Right. And then with you, it's like you're on TV, they're not, so they're allowed to just shit all over you. Yeah. And there's a way that they can do it through Instagram comments or Twitter comments. Hiding.

Yeah, hiding. Or an anonymous, what's it called? The little... Direct message? No, when there's not a picture, when it's just the eggshell or whatever, and you can create fake accounts, and you can create multiple accounts. Oh, yeah. It's just some people just have too much time on their damn hands.

Yeah. And it's sad, and that's just fucked up when people just think. Well, there's so many voices now. They're not people, too. Yeah. Well, they just feel like it's a free shot. Look, I would have felt the same way if I was 15. If you gave me a fucking Twitter account when I was 15 and I was frustrated at the world,

I would have said the meanest shit to everyone and anyone I could have gotten a hold of. Yeah. A hundred percent. I would have said the meanest shit. You know, I feel terrible for kids today. I do, too. That their growth and their development is going to, you know, it's going to be permanent record. Yeah. There's a, there was a, a really

good ad for, oh God, what was it for? It was a cell phone ad and it talks to a mother. It talks to three generations of people and they talk, you know, the grandpa, what was it like when you were a kid? He's like, oh, I went outside, we caught fish. I remember getting chased by a bear and throwing a fish down just so you know and then i ran out of fish because the bear kept eating him but i got away and then he talked to the daughter and she was like oh we built forts when we were kids and then it talks to the kids it's like what's your best thing about being a kid it's like i play video games and i talk i check emails and it's like and they show the videos to the grandparents and the parents and they're just like oh this sucks well a friend of mine works at disneyland and he said they're

having a really hard time recruiting young people that know how to communicate what does that mean they don't know how to communicate with people they're stunted because they spend so much time tweeting to each other and text messaging each other that that talking to strangers, they haven't developed these common courtesy skills and just the ability to talk to people and actually be curious and that they have to tell them, put your fucking phone down. Oh, yeah.

They're on their phone. They check their phone like every five, ten minutes. They're just addicted to checking their phone and they're addicted to this weird little dopamine rush that you get from looking at your mentions. What is it? Did someone talk about me? You know what's really fucking weird?

Is that there's a new way that younger people are getting in touch with each other is that they will take a picture of themselves. And then they'll put a text like, what's up? And then someone will text back with the picture. Not much, you. What? So, yeah. Does that make sense? So they'll actually just, so it's like say if you

and i were talking on the phone it's like i'll take i'll take a selfie i'll be like hey what's up and send it to you so it's not just the text is a text with a photo yes it's a new face photo with a message like a snapchat or an instagram like what's going on do you have friends that they they send you uh or they rather call you FaceTime just out of the blue? Yes, and I don't answer them. I hate that. That's a new thing. It's so weird.

A lot of people are doing that. You know what's even weirder is looking at somebody crossing the street or something, and they're just like, yeah, so I don't know. My favorite is I have a friend of mine who's my neighbor as well, and he was FaceTiming on Instagram promoting his brother's – his brother has a – not a club, but it's like a social experience that he's trying to promote it or whatever. And he was like, yeah, go check this out. And this guy on a skateboard goes right by him, and he's like he was like okay that happened and that that's not all heroes wear capes you know i hate people and i hate people who facetime on planes and in

airports yeah that's weird right it's loud and you're talking to the other person loudly put your headphones on you savage you fucking animal oh what's wrong with you yeah it blows my mind. But the FaceTime thing, it seems like it's within the last year or two, guys started just FaceTiming me out of nowhere. FaceTiming you? Yes, my friends. No. And you answer it?

Sometimes. I like them. How do you feel? A lot of rappers. Rappers love the FaceTime. That makes sense. Yeah, they love it. They like FaceTime.

Just want to see where you're at. I just think it's just a more fun way of doing it or something. Have you done a group FaceTime? What? Oh, what? love it. They like FaceTime. Just want to see where you're at. I just think it's a more fun way of doing it or something. Have you done a group FaceTime? What? Stop it. It's happened on accident. In a group text, you can accidentally hit make this a FaceTime call, and it will call everyone in the group text.

I would walk into the ocean. But when everyone answers, it's kind of interesting because everyone's like, well, what the fuck? You see what seven people are all doing at once. It must be an emergency. Well, you would have to have an iPhone Max for that. Yeah, they're the newer ones. The big ones.

You want the big one. You want the small phone for that. I switched over to the small phone, so I look at it less. That's how stupid I am. Oh, yeah? I'm like, if I have a small phone, I'll look at it less. The new Samsung S20. The little flip?

No, no, no. Well, they announced that during the Super Bowl. They announced a new one today. It's got a seven-inch screen. What? By default. God damn. It's like 7.1 inches, I think they said. What is the note? 100-megapixel camera. Oh

God! And 100 times, 108 megapixel maybe. What, are we going to see each other's pores now? Is that what we're at? It's got 100 times zoom on it too. Nostril hairs and shit. I want to see the eyelash lice that you're carrying. It's a crazy phone. Samsung is always raising the, I mean, they have to keep up. Like, in order to jump people off of the Apple tit, they have to make sure that they really

provide something exceptional. I know. You know, I'm so glad that guy was barking about the Apple keyboards the other day. I was typing last night on my Lenovo ThinkPad, which is my preferred method of writing. It's so much better, because I have a MacBook, the new new one too. They're like, oh, we fixed the keyboard. No, you didn't. You didn't really fix it. You didn't fix it for a writer. I can write on it and I have written on it. What do you have, a pen and it just kind of... No, you write with the keyboard, but the keyboard blows. It just sucks. It's not good. The keyboard in Lenovo is like effortless.

It's so much better. There's a little push to it. The little keys have like a little C shape to them, so it's a little dimple where your finger fits in perfectly. Some finger dimples? Yes. And you just gently caress the keys. How's his name?

Taiki Wakiti? Taika Waititi. Waititi? Yeah. Savage. I love him. What does he do? just he was the director of uh jojo rabbit he just won an academy award for best original screenplay i heard jojo rabbit's

hilarious it's fun it's really good he's just a cool guy he's the first indigenous person to win an oscar where's he from i think australia oh good for him yeah he's right though about those shitty fucking keyboards yeah jamie sent it to me immediately and i was like yes yes did you say yes yes what's the writer's guild to take it up with like fucking apple because it's it's causing people pain how much he hates the apple well i don't think it's really causing people pain he's joking a little bit he's joking a little bit but it's not good the the fucking lenovo's are so much better lenovo thinkPads, if you're... Wait, I want a Lenovo ThinkPad. What does it look like? I'll show you. Get to the ThinkPad X1 Carbon.

That's what I have. It is the shit. It weighs nothing. It weighs nothing. It's beautiful. It folds completely flat. It's so superior. The thing is that it's just like if you're caught in the Apple ecosystem. Right, which I am. And by the way, Windows 10 is not bad it's excellent

it doesn't fuck it's never crashed on me i've had a lenovo keep i've had three different thinkpads now for the last three years and uh they haven't crashed on me once yeah that looks sharp it's fucking so those keys are magical man your fingers just glide over those keys you make so many less mistakes so many less so many less so. So many less? So few. So many less. So few mistakes. You make much fewer mistakes. Much fewer mistakes.

Look at all the stars it has. 4.6 stars. Wow. You fucking twats. Get your shit together, Apple. It's just a... I know. It is...

And by the way, you can also get it in a touchscreen. What? Yeah. I need to get one of these. It's a superior laptop. If you write, if you like... for me i like

to come home from the store i spark a join up and when i'm you know everyone in my house is asleep all my kids are asleep my wife's asleep that's when i get my writing done at night and that thing is a breeze man i just my fingers just glide over those keys and i like i brought my um my macbook on the road and i was writing on that. I'm like, this is dog shit. That's so interesting. Dog shit in comparison. I can't write on my MacBook because it's just too hard. And then I find myself writing on my phone, but I want something, like you said, sleeker, softer.

Spark a joint, put on some Sade. Yeah. Smooth operator. Ugh. Anytime. What happened to her? She's around. She's like the McRib.

Every now and then she'll come back. I think sometimes people just get tired of all the fucking lights. Like the flash and the bullshit, you know? I do that, man. I love to just chill out. Everyone thinks I'm always just like party animal. I'm like, no, I'll wake up and be like, Alexa, put on some 1930s jazz.

Ooh. Alexa will do that? Oh, yeah. 1930s jazz. Very specific. Will Siri do that? Huh? Will Siri do that? Yeah. 1930s jazz. Oh, yeah. It's just like

a playlist. Oh, yeah. Hey, hey Siri play some 1930s jazz here we go here's some 1930s jazz worship the devil oh my god Siri that's not night that's not no that's what Tom Hanks' son listens to. Is that 1930s jazz? No, definitely not. No. That's definitely some steel drum. Hey, Siri, you don't know what the fuck 1930s jazz is, do you? Oh, see?

She's fucking with me. But it does work. Hey, Siri, play some John Coltrane. Here we go. If it's the same song. Yeah. There you go. That's 1930s jazz.

That's legit. That's legit. Put my dimmer down, light an incense. Oh, it's the best. Light that lighter. Get that spoon out. Prepare the heroin. Mm-hmm.

Black tar. Only the best. Is that the best? Allegedly. Have you ever tried heroin? No! I don't know why I yelled at you. God! No, I have not tried heroin. Have you tried cocaine? Yes. How dare you? I have. You getting coked up?

Am I? Out there on the streets? Coked up? Right around? Like a maniac? I can't do it anymore. How come? What happened? Because you don't know What that shit's cut with anymore That's true I saw some video And they're like Do it one more time

And it'll kill you I'm like nope Fentanyl Yeah Well I had a guy in here What was the guy's name? Ben Was it Ben Westhoff?

The writer Who Fentanyl Wrote that book on Fentanyl He used to be a He was a journalist he used to write for um la weekly bent by something yes fentanyl ink and he said they were reviewing all these raves where people were dying and like they're dying from mdma and like it's like it didn't make any sense so they did some tests they found it's not really fentanyl or it's not really uh MDMA they're dying from it's MDMA cut with fentanyl yeah and plus

they're not hydrating themselves because that you sweat because those people will just what it is they'll just rave until their heart explodes it's probably some of that too yeah it's probably a few of those but a lot of it is just overdoses of fentanyl because they're cutting it you know I don't trust drugs anymore that's why drugs should be legal one of the Mayor Pete things he had this weird conversation with one of the journalists he was talking about decriminalizing drugs and the guy was like so you would say heroin

would be legal and he goes no it wouldn't be legal he goes well that's what decriminalizing is this is a weird conversation where they're trying to work out the legal logistics of what's decriminalized and what's not but it sounds totally counterproductive that if you wanted to have a healthy happy society you'd make cocaine and heroin legal right but the problem is if it's not legal then people are going

to get it anyway and they're going to get it from the fucking cartels and they're going to get it and it's going to be spiked i don't want anybody to do heroin i don't want anybody to do coke i don't want anybody to do any of those drugs but the only way you're going to give them pure versions of that drug is to make sure that it's actually from a reputable source reputable yeah i say reputable it's a weird way of saying it tomato tomato no reputable i've done i've done reputable it's like weird people that say nuclear nuclear nuclear so nuclear nuclear the i've done ice that was one thing what is ice so i think it's meth yeah how was that good times awful how long to stay awake oh all night i was shit i was like i think i was 22 and like a friend of mine at the time i guess was like hey we're gonna smoke this out of

a light bulb i'm like yeah i don't know why how do you smoke it out of a light you just it's like a it's like the end of it was cut off and you just light it underneath it's like how would one cut a light i don't fucking know i like i oh man i did that and i just remember going to a bar and just talking the fucking bartender's ear off just just non-stop i remember going home and then i remember being like three o'clock in the morning i'm like you know what sounds good i I'm going to move all my furniture around. I was just like, my neighbors were probably like, you fucking asshole. And then I remember going to bed finally at like six o'clock in the morning. And it was the worst feeling I've ever experienced in my life.

Like my body just felt broken, rotted. Oh, rotted. Yeah. Just corroded. Well, that energy is coming out of somewhere well because once you do it you're addicted so it was like really i was yeah it was like right when it ended is when my body was like you need more you're going through withdrawals so i went i went one time one time it's all it takes really and then i i literally sat in my room and just shook it all out and sweated and i remember

making a vow to myself i was like i am never doing this again and and then finally it was like someone asked me they're like have you ever uh i was like yeah i've never done meth i mean i've done ice and they're like that's what that is you dumb fuck and i was like oh man i mean it was not not pleasant and you see how quickly people can become addicted to that one time once you're addicted all it takes wow so at the end of it you're like oh my god i'm so wrecked i just need a little to get me over and the next you know you're doing a little all the time that's the same shit with adderall by the way yeah that's what adderall is it's just a very slow release i think that's what Xanax is. I think that's what Vicodin is.

You don't think so? Those are different kinds of drugs. They're not amphetamines. Well, right. The amphetamines are a real issue for people that seek productivity. Yeah. Right? That's why you're trying to clean your house and organize and stuff.

It's just like, whoa. Yeah. Oh, man. That was brutal. That's what happens with housewives. They want to clean. The real housewives? No, real ones.

Actual housewives. Actual housewives. want they want the real housewives no real ones real actual housewives they want to organize la housewives they take a take a fucking adderall just start put it in a smoothie putting all their books on the shelves in alphabetical order and that kind of shit just listen to a podcast calm down no just put your podcast on do both both at the same time with a butt plug in they just they want a multitask so specific yeah they want a multitask get the old butt wrecker that's a good brand a buddy of mine who uh used to date a girl that liked to do speed he said uh they're the best girls to have anal sex with because they never eat so they never shit and i was like i didn't need to know that and that is honesty

he's like she never eats there's nothing going on down there because there's nothing worse than And I was like, I didn't need to know that. And that is honesty. She never eats. There's nothing going on down there. Because there's nothing worse than getting an oil slick. That's not fun. Yeah. I mean, that's when it's over. There's no coming back from that.

Some people can come back from that. Some people on ice. Yeah. I don't care. I don't give a fuck. I like that smell. You do. Son of a bitch. Yeah. Who's my dip ice. Yeah. Okay. Give a fuck. I like the smell. You dirty son of a bitch. Who's my dipstick? Yeah.

Woo. God. You have to plan that, right? You do. You have to do it correctly. You have to time your food intake and make sure you don't drink too much coffee. It's a lot going on there. It's a lot going on. But if you find the one, you can do it right.

The one. there's a lot going on but if you find the one you can do it right the one that's the one area where the the good lord has done a disservice to gay folks they haven't given them a lot of options uh yeah yeah i mean i don't it's good not to i can't i don't i don't trust my butt honestly i don't it's like you shouldn't it's like i don't trust my butt i do not trust but I don't. You shouldn't. I don't trust my butt. I do not trust my butt. I don't want anything in there. Good move. I feel like it's like there's an octopus beak that comes out and it'll just snap. I feel like

it's the Sarlacc pit that Boba Fett fell into in Star Wars. I don't trust my butt. I don't. If you try to put anything in there, I'm just like, yikes. Clamp. Nope. Just do a lot of squats. That way nobody will want to.

It's just too tight. Dead lifts. But that's kind of hot, though. Big legs are hot. Yeah, but not too big. Like, if your butt is so tight that, like, literally it clamps down. You know, like, people get sleep apnea, like football players do? Because their neck is so big. It cuts off.

It cuts off the air pipe. That's real? Yeah, there's so much muscle in their neck that when they lay back, they choke to death. Football players would choke to death falling asleep from sleep apnea, just from giant necks. You can do that with your butthole. That makes sense. But then dudes with little dicks would seek you out. Like, aha. Behold. I found a place where I canthole. That makes sense. But then dudes with little dicks would seek you out. Like, aha.

Behold. I found a place where I can be tough. Oh, God. There's nothing worse than a small dick. Nothing worse? Well, yeah. But is that, that's a weird thing if you, okay. So like gay guys, even though you don't want it in your butt, you still want a big one.

Yeah. Right. I mean, I get it, but I don't get it. I do get it. It's like genetics. Do you want small tits? I don't mind. See, I don't mind either.

But I think a lot of people in the, I mean, wait, hold on. The straight community? A lot of people in the straight community. Let me speak for the straight community. They'll take whatever they can. Let me speak for the straight community. They'll take whatever they can. Let me speak for my people. Uh-huh, go for it. What they like is butts.

Girls with big butts. Yes, why is that? It's because it's genes. It's like the genes are signaling that this is a healthy woman who will give birth easily. Oh, it's the old medieval hip trick? It's all. Like she can. It is all tricks.

She will labor many moon children and shit why does someone want someone with perfect features was because you want someone with great genetics like there's there's a bunch of things that are favored right like height tall men are favored strong men are favored um genetics big dicks mating yeah that's all it is. It's all like genes. It's animal genes. If you see like a Kendall Jenner who's not like her sisters, she is not. I wonder what happened.

Because she wants to model. So what does she do? She can't have, yeah, she can't fill her ass up with like silicone and shit. I thought you were talking about like facial surgery. Is that Kylie or Kendall? Which one had her? Oh my God, let's play a game called Name the Kardashian with Joe Rogan. I don't know which one.

Kendall's the model. Kendall's the youngest. Like there's Kylie and Kendall. Those are. Which one had her face changed? Kylie. Okay. So this is the other one.

I mean, which one? But Kylie, Kylie did. But Kendall's the one who kind of kept herself normal. Not normal. I don't want to say that. She didn't fill her butt up with plastic. She didn't fill her butt up. She's a model.

She's doing fashion week. She's yeah. That's okay. So the one. Oh my God. I can't believe this. Which one's which don't want to say that. She didn't fill her butt up with plastic. She didn't fill her butt up. She's a model. She's doing Fashion Week. She's, yeah, that's, okay. So the one, oh my God, I can't believe this. Which one's which? Kendall's on the left. Kylie's on the right. Okay. So see how-

So the one on the left is natural and the one on the right is the one she had her face fixed. Yeah. So Kylie's like the billionaire who's, you know, selling makeup and tits and ass and- Look at those fake boobs. Yeah. Good Lord. But Kendall, I mean- So Kendall has Good Lord. But Kendall, I mean.

So Kendall has real ones. Kendall has, I mean. Those are normal. Those are normal. The ones next to it, those are balloons. So which one's more attractive to you? Depends on how horny you are and how drunk you are. Interesting.

And who's interested? That is a good factor. Whoever's. Who's interested? Yeah. I've been horny and I've been drunk. I bet you have. Yeah.

I bet both at the same time, huh? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. At the store, too. I've done it.

I've tried it. I've tried it. I've tried it. Pick them out of the audience. I like you. Jeans are strange, man. They are weird, huh? What attracts people to others?

I mean, there's a lot of factors, right? Like mean people are very unattractive. Right. Boring people are very unattractive. Stupid people are very unattractive. There's a lot of factors. But then it gets down to like animal stuff, like shapes, shapes of bodies, size of hogs right right size of hogs size of the hog i think they're at coachella this year oh that's the name of the band i get it i thought it was

like a oh well i think yeah i think i think everybody and that's always been fascinating to me is when you see like the study of of the law of attraction where it's like you see something you like how your pupils dilate and how you how you kind of like pheromones and weird shit i got a cologne god i can't remember what the oh it was called so that's who buys cologne huh gay guys what i was wondering what who the fuck's buying cologne me how many different clones you have in your house oh um i probably have about like 10 whoa oh you're a connoisseur yeah do you have like different like tonight is the night yeah i pull it out i pull it out of the vault no not not this one no i sign up for scent bird which scent bird is the cologne.

They send you a different cologne every month. It's a cologne club. It's like Dollar Shave Club, but for cologne? It's like $14.95. You get a little vial of cologne. Jesus Christ. Hey, I've been with them for two, three years. Scentbird.

Oh, my God. But I do it every year. I'll have my January through my December smells. You have different smells for different times? Get the fuck out. Okay, well, that's a wrap. You have different smells for different times of the year? Yeah. I got my spring.

I got my summer. I got my fall. And I got a little spicy at the end of the year. Oh, so you get spicy towards the fall and the wintertime? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a pumpkin-y sort of a cinnamon? Not pumpkin, no. Just like a nice Dolce & Gabbana, a little bit of rag and bone.

A little bit of, yeah. And they have them all on there. And they're nice. Okay. I've always smelled good. Okay. I like, people are like, damn, you smell good. I'm like, fuck yeah, you're right.

Do you put like a tiny bit? Tiny bit. Just a touch. Just, that's it. But you have 10. Yeah. So, and they keep sending you more are you worried you're gonna run out of space people gonna come over your house like oh my god justin's insane

oh god this fucking house is filled with he's he's wallowing in his own filth um no i have i have usually i'll use for the month i'll use that as my month and then you know if i don't use them i'll save them oh but there is there is a cologne that i had it was called sexual sexual is that even a word or is that just some asshole it's some asshole but let's just go with pretending this is how you say like when people would say in spanish can you tell me where oh is the restaurante oh yeah sexual sexual but it had pheromones in it oh sure it did so it had pheromones in it. Oh, sure it did. So it had pheromones in it, and every time I would wear it, women would be like,

Hey, you smell good. Yeah, because they probably took some fat guy and made him run on a treadmill, and then they dripped his fucking underwear into each bottle. Oh, did Burt Kreischer? Yes, there he is. I didn't call you Fat Burt. Justin Martindale did. No, he does it all the time.

I don't think he's fat. No, he's thick. He's definitely fat. He's thick with two Cs. No, if you just Google Bert is fat, you'll find. I know, but that's mean. He's thick. Tom and Bert, they call each other fat.

The bear cave. They fat shamed each other. What is it? Yeah, two bears, one cave. Two bears. Yeah. That's a gay term. Tell them.

You should tell them that. They should know. They probably don't know. Because they named it. They'd probably be stunned and have to change their them. You should tell them that. They should know. They probably don't know. Because they named it. They'd probably be stunned and have to change their podcast. Two bears, one cave? They're both bears.

In the gay community, those are bears. So they didn't get the joke? They didn't get the reference? I think they know. They should know. Are they technically bears? Yeah. Don't you have to be kind of a little buff to be a bear?

No. No? No. Just hairy? Yeah. And fat? I don't know what you are. What am I?

You're not a bear. Chimp. Huh? A chimp? Yeah. And fat? I don't know what you are. What am I? You're not a bear. Chimp. Huh? A chimp. No. Yeah, what is Joe Rogan in the gay community? I think that's why I don't have a thing either. Good.

Congratulations. I used to be a twink, and now I'm not. And now I'm not hairy. What changed? I grew up, Joe. Yeah, I grew up. You became mature I filled out

That's an issue with gay folks Right as you get older See older guys That are straight Can get hoes Oh absolutely Gold diggers Yeah

Yeah I love a good old hoe I know some dudes Who are just really old And they have young Hot girlfriends or wives Oh yeah And it's hilarious

Cause they got that Cheddar Yeah They got that cheddar yeah they got that cheddar but then that doesn't work with guys does it yeah it does for twinks right it does for young gays the young there's definitely some where i've been like this guy's like 85 years old it's like it's a 19 year old oh yeah like yeah oh yeah but that's okay in the gay community whereas that's disgusting in the straight community. If you see an 80-year-old guy with an 18-year-old girl, you want to beat him to death.

You piece of shit. But if you see an 80-year-old gay guy with an 18-year-old boy, like, oh, he found himself a fella. Yeah. It's okay. But you also can look and be like, that'll do, pig. That'll do. But you know what also?

The other way. If you find an 80-year-old lady and she's got a 24-year-old boyfriend, you're like, you go, girl. Go, bitch. You go. Good for her. Good for her. Nobody's mad at her.

Yeah. If anything, you're mad at the guy for playing that old lady and getting her to buy you a Corvette. See, that's how I feel about Britney Spears right now. Really? Yeah. What's going on with her? She's kind of going through a thing.

What is her thing? She's just, you know, she's in a concert. What's it called? A conservatorship? Conservatorship? I don't know a conservatorship. Conservatorship? I don't know. Conservatorship. Her dad's in charge of her and she's almost 40. Right.

Is that an issue? Yeah, she's got mental shit going on. If you look at her Instagram, she's just walking down, just flipping her hair. Let's go to her Instagram. Oh, Jesus. Here we go. Please. Brittany, I love you. Came up a week ago. I thought you were getting to this. We didn't get there, but I knew this was... When I was having a conversation with Bill Jesus. Here we go. Brittany, I love you. Came up a week ago. I thought you were getting to this. Oh, wait, what?

We didn't get there, but I knew this was... When I was having a conversation with Bill Maher... He talked about this? Well, I said, she's hot. And Bill Maher said, what? What are you talking about? And then my wife gave me a ton of shit for saying that Britney Spears is hot. She's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? She's not hot? There's a whole thing saying, hashtag save Brittany

because they just feel like she's not in control of anything in her life anymore. Like her dad owns everything. She can't drive. She can't do. Right. But don't you think there's a reason for that? Well, yeah. If she was in control, she, whoa.

She doesn't. Cracked out. Yeah. But she has like this hot 24-year-old. Who put that photo up? She did. Let me see that photo. Well, somebody did.

Oh, my God. Go large with that picture bro look at those she looks completely insane how well she's taking her pants off she's got tattoos

right next to her pussy well I mean who doesn't me can't wait for spring can't wait for spring what that's her

that's her caption all the emojis do you think that's her yeah every emoji she's got like a a shoe an eggplant and look at

that one what's going on what's going on with this one yeah 2020 i will be doing a lot more acro yoga let me hear this please to open up my back and my chest and i'm out here with my dogs and we're gonna have a beautiful day oh you just killed my fantasies. Yeah. She looks like a 70-year-old lady. My babies. What? What is this? What's going on? This is acro yoga?

She just does that. Oh, she looks crazy now, huh? She'll walk through her house, and she does these little fashion shows where she'll put on her outfits and just spin around, and you're just kind of like, what? And now- Doesn't she do a residency in Vegas? No, she did. What is she doing now? She canceled her residency like days before it was supposed to open.

I have friends of mine who were supposed to dance in her second residency that she was doing. Days before they canceled it because that was the whole thing. Like her dad said no. Apparently like her dad even slapped one of her kids in front. Like it was really fucked up. Do you know this is true? No, no, her dad even slapped one of her kids in front. Like, it was really fucked up. Do you know this is true? No, no, no. This is all real. It's out there.

It's out there. It's real. Oh, it's real. She does look kooky for Cocoa Puffs. Yeah, and so now, you know, everyone wants her to, like, everyone's rooting for her and everything. They are! We're rooting for Britney Spears. what's going on here she's in hawaii it's my birthday how old is she uh she's probably 37 38. okay she's bowling what happened to her butt where'd it go

look at that she's gonna bowl a bowl of strike. Yay. I know. It's so sad. But where was I going with this? Oh, yeah. She has this hot 24-year-old boyfriend. Good. I hope she buys him a car. Is that him? Yeah, look at this guy.

Let me see. He's a moose. He's a handsome fellow. He's an elk. What's going on around his neck? Is that a neck pillow for an airplane? Does he just wear that everywhere? Probably.

You have to take precautions. He gets sleepy. Yeah. If he gets so he doesn't have sleep apnea he just leans his head on that fucking neck pillow god he's i mean and that tree come on she does look like she's out of her fucking mind yeah so bill mar was right i'm sorry bill yeah that that one where she's doing the aqua yoga that that was sad yeah that's that there's a lot of them where you're just kind of like.

Just seems crazy. I know. I mean, yeah, it's just a lot of head flips. And then I, yeah. Yeah, well, she's probably insane. I mean, wasn't she like 16 when she made it? I mean, that's the story of Hollywood. You know, it's like you start out at like six, pump you full of pills, and then.

You know who's all right, kind of, sort of? Who? Macaulay Culkin he's on the cover of what's it called in March Vanity Fair they just released it

this morning Esquire he looks good GQ something like that Sports Illustrated yeah he's doing well Bears in Caves

Bears in Caves he's in here bone alone we had a real good conversation I really enjoyed his company he's a nice guy

and he realizes McCulloch is not like you. The 39 year old. Esquire. That's what it is. Esquire. Esquire's March 2020 cover boy. Has been liberated longer than... He's an interesting guy. He really is. He's gone...

He knows he's gone through something that you're not supposed to go through. Like he knows. He knows that he did something you're not supposed to do. He developed as a human being in a gigantic population of people. Like, everyone knew who he was. Oh, yeah. He's hugely famous when he was a little boy, and that's not good for anybody. Well, and people would see him on the streets and be like, do the thing.

Do the thing. I'm sure he still gets that. And you can't say no. They get fucking mad at you. They want to kick you. Yeah. But Britney Spears, man. I know.

When did she make it? How old was she? She made it in 1999 was her first hit. She was also on the Mickey Mouse Club before that. She was on the Mickey Mouse Club. With Justin Timberlake and J.C. Chazet. She's double, triple fucked. Yeah.

Yeah. She's fucked. She looks crazy. She's probably pilled up. Yeah. Yeah, she's fucked. She looks crazy. She's probably pilled up. Probably got her on all kinds of stuff. She had a show with her husband at the time called Chaotic with Kevin Federline. And they followed her around and she was like yacked out of her mind. He's one of those gold diggers on the male side.

We only have two. Him and Tom Arnold. They're the only ones that made it. We got two up on the board. There are so many women who have made so much money off men and divorces, and only two men that I know of that have really scored and scored well. Who else? Someone else?

Yes. Anna Nicole Smith's ex really? I think so yeah Kevin Federline's all fat now he's got a giant belly just takes care of the kids he's got custody too

which is not a good sign you know when the ex has custody and it's a guy that usually means you're a fuck up or you've got some issues mentally so it's like I mean that's means you're a fuck-up. Yeah. Or you've got some issues mentally. So it's like, I mean, that's what happens. Or you don't like kids. Yeah.

You're like, hey, bro, you can have them. That's what happens. And here's a Ferrari. It happened to Whitney Houston. It happened to Michael Jackson. It happened to Prince. It happened to Amy Winehouse. Well, Michael Jackson, those are not his kids.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. What do you mean? Oh, you mean going crazy. Yeah. I'm sorry. It's like you go down that route. You start taking fentanyl.

Well, I don't think anybody's supposed to be famous and i think being famous is probably one of the weirder fucking things that could happen to a human being and i think that as it's happening to you your reality distorts in a way that you're not you don't have normal interactions anymore and so then your foundation of who you are as a person deteriorates now if you grow up that way it's even stranger because then your foundation never existed you never had a foundation you were always in this weird strange world and then oftentimes it goes away like remember when gary coleman was a security guard and people would show up at his job and mock him he was just trying to get enough money to eat well it's like that literally i mean when you're working as a security guard you're getting what 15 an hour if you're lucky you're just trying to eat that's all you're trying to do it's like that

guy from trader joe's who was on like the cosby show exactly yeah what's wrong with a guy trying to make a living yeah they're like look how gross he is it's like no do you do that to everybody that's how the fucking trader joe's no you say You say hi, they bag your groceries and it's fine. But it's almost worse to have been someone and then not be someone than it is to have never. No, it is worse in people's eyes. But it's that same thing. It's like when people look at you when you're on television and go like, oh, fuck him. You know, like what they were saying, like when people take shots at you.

Like, fuck him. He's on TV. I'll fucking take shots at him but then when you're not anymore and then you have a regular job then it's like they have an extra desire to shit oh yeah those same kind of people power yes it's gross now they're doing visceral power yeah yeah they don't they're doing better than you i got my own house look at you you fucking loser in your apartment atm card i got everything yeah you ain't got shit you used to be on tv hmm that went away i bought a round of drinks i had a guy shit on me once it was he was working at the behind the counter at us not really behind the

counter at a cvs and i couldn't figure out what he was trying to do but he's being rude to me the cvs he's like uh he goes hey you're that guy from that show i go yep he goes what happened to that show huh i'm gonna go what fear factor i go what do you think happened he goes i don't know you tell me what happened to that show it's like mean to me i go it got canceled it's like yeah i'm like bro you work at fucking cvs yeah relax what are you doing this is fear factor yeah and i didn't go after him i was like this is so ridiculous i was like this i was he was lucky i was high i was like this is so weird because he was he was literally trying to insult me you know not realizing that i had done things

since and i'm okay but to him i'm not on tv anymore so must be a fucking loser so he's trying to make me feel bad what happened to that show what happened i what happened i wish i could tell you but it was like a weird like i didn't do anything you man i just came here to buy gum or whatever the fuck i'm buying yeah can i have my mile-long receipt shut up already why are you being weird with me but he was just a dick behind the counter dick yeah like yeah hey you used to be on tv, nothing anymore. A BTCD. Behind the counter dick. People are weird with people that are successful. There's a thing where they don't look, in general, people don't look to people that are doing well as inspiration. They look at them with envy.

It's like a natural human instinct. And it's that attack. And that's where we're at now with like cancel culture and stuff. It's like, oh, we want to see somebody stumble or fall. Because if we do, we can drag them down. And then we'll get, you know, and if we see that and if we post it, then we'll get all the likes and the favorites and the retweets. Look what I found.

Look what I did. Look what I discovered. Yeah. Fuck him. Yeah. Fuck him. Yeah. But they don't realize all that shit's gonna come back around to get them he's gonna come back and bite him in the

ass i'll commit with a side of jalapenos it feels bad it just feels bad even when you're doing it you think you're gonna like if you say mean shit to people that you don't even know like that can't feel good it seems like it would feel good but it doesn't feel good it's gonna come back around on you yeah it's a weird way you know giving people the access to things like social media it's a weird way to communicate and it's not natural and so many people use it and abuse it so many kids use it oh my god and that's what's terrifying all those people being mean to you on your instagram if you could find out what the median age and who these people are and what their life was like you'd probably be like oh i'm gonna feel

bad yeah you're fucking 12 yeah where your parents and you're a 50 year old loser and you know where are your parents yeah yeah do your parents even know you have an instagram account you little fuck i mean i've had um i've had instances where um you know when we started the show on snapchat because snapchat i guess used to be like for nudes 12s year olds but like you see it one time and then it would go away it would go away so you could be like here's my dick and you're like oh and then it goes away but it doesn't go away just screenshot it well but there was some times where it was like you know i had to like call and be like hey um no no i had like a girl who would had a a dildo and was like using it on herself

and you call them and say don't know i had to call i had to call like whoever was in charge of the show i was like hey like because it was snapchat had just come out and i didn't know what the hell i'm like i'm not the demographic of snapchat but i was just kind of like i felt bad because i was like clearly the girl didn't know that she was yeah i was like how did she not know well i don't know it was maybe she did know that's how she drums up uh customers but it was just it was just i mean it was fucking disturbing. Was it? Oh, yeah. She's going hard in the paint. Oh. Yeah, but it was just like, oh, like, where's your parents? How old was she? Oh, I.

50? Where's your parents? They're dead. Yeah. And there's her on top of my mantle. Trying to kill myself with this beer bottle. She was young. Oh, yeah. A lot of people are bad this beer bottle. She was young. Oh.

Yeah. A lot of people are bad parents, bro. They do a terrible job. Do you ever think you'd adopt kids? No. Good for you. Look at you.

I like how quick you answered. God, no. No. It's not my thing. Not even a cat, right? No. I'd have a cat. Maybe a cat.

No kids for me, though. Because you could leave town for a weekend with a cat, just leave a lot of water and a lot of food. It's got nine lives, yeah. I don't think they really do. No, they don't.

They're just flexible. Yeah. They can store on that body fat, you know, get a big fat cat. So where are you doing this tour and where can people

find out about it if they want to come see you? Actually, I'm doing a tour with Jim Jefferies. Ah. So I'm doing his Oblivious tour. So you can check the dates.

I just did a thing. the australia fire relief yeah we actually just came back from houston and new orleans and he had to go do that show oh really it was one downtown it was like when when kobe died yes the day of we were really bummed about that it was really weird we actually took off in the plane and we all got our cnn notifications and we all just sat there like, oh shit. Like what? Yeah. It was pretty brutal.

I found out about it from Bert. Bert, we have a group text going on. Bert told me. It was pretty, pretty early. It was like, and I just remember him being like, oh man, I gotta get the fuck downtown. It's going to be crazy. And it's like, yeah. It was.

Yeah. It was crazy. I'm doing that with him all year. And then, yeah, I got this show coming out on E! in March. It's called The Funny Dance Show now. That's the dance-off thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Comics dancing off for $10,000 for a charity of their choice.

And I'm the judge. Lonnie Love is on as a judge. And Alison Holker, who is a dancer. And they pick the song? Do they have to practice? Are they practicing? They have to practice for like a week. Oh, Christ.

And then, so we got like Ron Funches on it. Yeah, yeah. We got like Ron Funches. Ron Funch is the most positive comedian available today. Isn't it nauseating? No, he's great. I know. He's like cultivating being nice and being positive.

I know. I really appreciate it. I did his podcast that he does, and it just felt like the warmest hug afterwards. I was like, oh, I needed this in my soul. That's what he's like. I know. He's genuinely like that. He's so nice.

Yeah. He's such a nice guy. Yeah. And like cultivates it. Yeah. We have Fortune, Brad Williams. I love Fortune. I mean, it's a cool like i love brad williams

too but i mean yeah i just had to say i love fortune yeah she's great i don't want to leave brad out well i love brad i mean it's gonna be really really fun and then uh yeah i mean you could find me on instagram at justin martindale beautiful easy all right don't find me on twitter yeah let's do it are you blocking people as well no I need to start though why don't you just mute them I know that is fun just scream

scream into the vortex why are you ignoring me I'll see you in hell the best thing to say to someone. All right, buddy. Thank you, man. Thank you, my brother. Pleasure as always.

Are you at the store this week? No, I'll be in Vegas. Oh, shit. Yeah. Are you going to gamble your life away? Probably. Okay. JustinMartindale.com, JustinMartindale on Twitter, Instagram.

JustinMartindale on Twitter. JustinMartindale. JustinMartindale on Instagram. Okay. Yeah. All right. Thanks, buddy. That was fun.

You got it Yay Bye everybody