The Joe Rogan Experience - #1440 - Fortune Feimster

Episode Date: March 12, 2020

Fortune Feimster is an American writer, comedian, and actress. Check out her brand new special "Sweet & Salty" now streaming on Netflix. She can also be heard along with Tom Papa on "What A Joke".

Three, two, one. Fortune! What's up? Good to see you. You too. This is exciting. It's exciting for me too. Aw.

Our first date. Do you have a special coming out or something? It just came out. Like a month ago. Oh, it's out already? Yeah. I didn't even know. Well, there's a lot of specials coming out right now.

Is this the craziest time ever for specials? Yeah, it's like one after another after another. It really is. Like, I can't remember ever in the history of comedy that there's been this many specials released. No, and like, just killers every week. Yeah, speaking special. Pull up the video of Tom Segura's new special. There's a, it's on, Netflix is a joke on Instagram, has a copy of it.

Oh, because he's doing English and Spanish, right? Yeah, this one's just English. He's going to do one in Spanish. He got a... Yeah, people don't know that Tom Segura is fluent in Espanol. He had his mom on his podcast

and that was cool. In Spanish. Yeah, it's amazing. Yeah, it's funny because he looks so white. He looks like a white bro. I know. Sometimes Mexicans

will talk shit around him and he'll just look at them and then say something in spanish and they're like oh no oh that's the best to have that secret weapon especially in la to play there's a video of him lip sync that's what i was gonna say thank you play the video i love you tom play the video they fucked him he let some lady put make i never let them put makeup on me Never and they always bring someone and this is why This is why they they made him out and by the way

They color corrected it because it was way worse than that before. Oh really. He told me it was way worse than that. I Go what the fuck bro? He's like I know I go dude. You can't let them do that to you It looks like he kissed Christina and then went out to do the show. He's like i know i go dude you can't let them do that to you it looks like he kissed christina and then went out to do the show he looks like a clown he looks like a clown from the 1930s like one of them black and white movies like look at that that's crazy they put lipstick on him they put lipstick on him and they put white makeup all over his face i had that happen once where because you really can't tell when they're putting it on, someone made me look like the marionette doll

with the big red rosy cheeks and I was hosting an award show and the whole speech is online. It's so crazy because you let someone dictate what your image is going to be. Someone that really has no business doing that. They just do makeup and when someone does makeup, they want to do makeup.

They want to do ya. But like this, he just needed to put some chapstick on. That's it. Look, that's what he looks like. This is what I always say. I'm the only one in the UFC broadcast that doesn't put makeup on too. And I'm like, we're getting,

we're talking to people that are getting their heads punched in. Okay, literally, Joanna Jacek, who's the former strawweight champion, she had a fight with this woman, Zhang Weili, who is the strawweight champion from China. It's crazy, epic, like one of the best fights in history. At the end of it, Joanna's head was like a Frankenstein forehead. Yeah. Imagine.

Crazy. Yeah, look at her forehead. Now imagine me with makeup on standing next to her. That would be ridiculous, right? I refuse. You're like, look at my foundation. They're like, well, we're just going to cut down the shine. Who gives a fuck if I'm shiny?

Yeah. Literally no one cares. Yeah. She's got a double forehead now. It's a double, triple forehead. Everything's falling. Is it back down? Have you made a follow up? I don't know. She hasn't taken

and that's what she looks like normally. Beautiful lady. She's so tough. Yeah. That lady is as tough as human beings can possibly be. Oh my gosh. Cause she like never even flinched. Her fucking forehead's twice the size of normal. She didn't even flinch. Kept throwing bombs. Was amazing. Yeah. Epic. How long

did it go? Five rounds. Five rounds. 25 whole minutes of chaos. And it was even the whole fight. The whole fight was like back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. It was amazing. Are you guys super bummed out when people throw one punch and the person falls down? No.

That's it? No. That's exciting too? Yeah, it's exciting. The sport is crazy. No. That's exciting too. Yeah, it's exciting. The sport is crazy.

You know, it can happen that way where like there was a recent fight where Donald Cerrone fought Conor McGregor. And in the clinch, Conor McGregor slammed his shoulder into Donald's nose and broke his nose. So they came out of the clinch like seconds into the fight, his nose is bleeding. And then he got head kicked and he got pummeled and they stopped the fight in 40 seconds oh my gosh yeah and everybody was bummed out because it was this huge pay-per-view event this big deal but that's part of what's crazy about this sport is that it's the fighting in either boxing kickboxing or mma is the only sport where you

can end it early right like football goes the distance yeah you know it's you're in for three and a half yeah Four quarters. Yeah. Four hours. Yeah. Baseball goes all the innings. It's like that's just how it goes. Yeah. But fighting can end in 10 seconds.

We've had fights that have ended. I think, well, who's got the record now? It was Dwayne Ludwig. Masvidal took it, I think, right? That's right. Masvidal took it. I think it was like eight seconds, but it was like four or five. It's not really.

I don't even think they gave it eight. I think they said's five but i think it's three what do you do at the live event everyone's just like all right time to go there's 12 fights oh gotcha so that was just one fight out of many many many many fights i clearly know a lot about yeah have you ever watched one live yeah not live but on tv you should go i'll get you tickets. I'd love that. You'll go crazy. Yeah. It's pretty wild. It looks so fun. Yeah.

It's pretty fun. But no one's ever invited me, and I'm not proactive enough to be like, let me get some tickets. Now you've been invited. You bring your boy Tom Papa. I will. Yeah. Yeah.

He needs to go, too. Yeah. He brings bread. Has he? I wonder if he's been to one. I don't think he has. I don't think so. We're like, hey, guys. We're here to see a fight. Has he's been to one. I don't think he has. I don't think so. We're like, hey, guys.

We're here to see a fight. Has Tom ever been to one? I don't think so. Probably not. Maybe. Jamie seems like maybe. Maybe he showed up at Hannibal one time a long time ago. But I can't remember.

Oh, maybe. Oh, yeah. Tom's always up for anything. Hannibal goes a lot. Hannibal's gone to a gang of them. Yeah. I don't think about it yeah

so you do that morning show with Tom I do yeah you enjoy it I love it except for the 530 wake up that's horseshit I mean

why do you guys have to do it that way every comic that comes to the show is like why are you waking up this early because we're all doing spots so late

yeah well it's this is the new world you don't have to do that anymore yeah just a whole idea of like it has to be on at 8am Because we're all doing spots so late. Yeah. Well, this is the new world. You don't have to do that anymore. Yeah. Just a whole idea of it has to be on at 8 a.m. Ready, go.

I don't know. That's just how they set it up. 7 to 9 every morning, Monday through Thursday. We're doing it for Netflix. That's cool. They have a new SiriusXM channel. That's very cool. They give you numbers?

They tell you how many people are listening? They give you no information. What the fuck, Netflix? You have no idea. We have no idea. We only how many people are listening? They give you no information. What the fuck, man? You have no idea. We have no idea. We only know that people are listening because they call in. That's the only way we know. So you're just talking to mics.

You hope there's an audience. It seems like there's one. It's kind of fun, though, that way. It would be kind of fun to do a show where no one could record it, and it just goes out live and there's no recording it at all like that's what radio used to be right radio used to be i mean that's one of the fun things about the howard stern show back in the day because it was so crazy for radio but it was you were hearing this and this is the only time you were ever going to hear it oh yeah i

remember when his show was on the e channel that's right's right. It was like him and Anna Nicole Smith's show. I was like, yeah. That's right. I forgot she had a show. Yeah. Rest in peace. Poor Anna. She was one of the first, like, I mean, if Instagram was around, she would have been one of the first Insta-hoes.

Like a reality celebrity. Yes. Everyone was following her life and her lawyer right yeah howard his name's jay howard marshall stern oh no no different guy yeah i think it is howard stern yeah yeah different howard stern so they had two howard sterns on the channel yeah and that was post divorce after her husband well not divorce the old, he died. Oh, the old guy? Yeah. Yeah. That was the best cash-in ever. Her with him? It was the best cash-in ever.

Yeah. He was like 95 years old in a wheelchair, and she was a fucking bombshell. She's like, love of my life. Oh, look at that. Did she get money? Oh, hell yeah. Because I know his kids were like fighting.

Yeah, they were trying to keep the money from her, but look, a deal's a deal. That's always a bummer, though. If you were the kid the kid of that guy well i had a whole bit about it yeah they're like oh he doesn't know it's i go he's a billionaire right he's like 95 years old he made a billion dollars from scratch and my joke was you know like don't you think he's a tad crafty i think he knows what's going on he doesn't give a fuck he doesn't have any time left. But like two kids or however many kids he has, they don't need a billion dollars. Look at the size of his ears. That's one weird thing that happens to old people.

Their ears keep growing. Yeah. I'm looking forward to having giant ass ears. Their face shrinks. Yeah. I think I'm going to get my ears reduced when I hit 150. Oh, really? Yeah.

150. That's what my plan is. Yeah. My plan is about 150, 160. I'm going to die on the operating table getting my ears reduced. I'm just trying to make it to 50. 50, that's it? That's all you want out of this life?

I want more. Dude, this fucking shit. We had a guy on yesterday talking about the coronavirus. It's not good. I heard that he was in here. It's nerve wracking. It's not good. Well, because you don't really know what's coming. Yeah, well, here's not good. I heard that he was in here. It's nerve wracking. Yeah. It's not good. Well, because, you know, you don't really know what's coming.

Yeah. Well, here's the thing. There's a whole bunch of other diseases that we discussed, too, like chronic wasting disease. And there's a lot of shit that's on the table that could happen to people. There's all these pandemics that are possible. Well, aren't there, like, because certain things are melting, certain diseases that are sort of, like, being uncovered from... That's a theory, yeah. Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, there's a theory that the permafrost is going to release when it gets melted. It's going to release some ancient bacteria that we don't have an immunity to. Oh, man. It's possible. It's all possible. It's good times right now. There's something that happens with any time you have overpopulation. And one of the things that happens is nature starts to try to course correct.

Nature's like, there's too many. There's too many. Let's do something. And it happens with animals. They get diseases and a bunch of them die off. And it happens with people as well. I mean, it's not a coincidence that this disease came out of China, which is heavily overpopulated,

which has these, he was talking to us in depth about these wet markets that they have in China, where they have all these animals that they sell, and they're all just laying around. He said there was like chickens, and what was above the chickens? Was it civets? Chickens were over those.

They were like dropping their shit on them or something. And it was civets below, right? Yeah. There was some weird combination with that. Right. And he was saying like with crossover diseases, that's like a test tube. Like you're literally doing experiments.

Right. But it's like the perfect test tube, perfect environment for creating a new disease. Yeah. As we've seen, wasn't this started from bats? Yes. Some people are eating bats over disease. Yeah. As we've seen, wasn't this started from bats? Yes. Some people are eating bats over there. Bro.

Bro. I'm a sweet and sour chicken gal myself. Sweet and sour chicken sounds good right now. Sweet and sour bat. Bats is what you eat when you're starving to death. I mean, yeah, that's true. Slim pickings in certain places. Well, China, china again has a fucking

billion people and when you see the stuff that they're eating over there there was a salamander that they had that was like i mean like the size of your thigh bone yeah it was huge enormous fucking salamander they're holding it down with a meat cleaver like the heck up to salamander they're like it's all food look Look at that bat. Oh, man. That's gnarly. And they get the wing spread to let you know it's a good one. That's a big bat. It's a juicy bat. A lot of meat there. It's a lunch. Do we have bats that big? I don't

believe we do. I feel like they were always like, yay big. In America, if we had bats that big, we'd whack them. We'd be like, that's enough. That's enough of you, you fucks. Back to the Stone Age. I always saw bats when we had swim meets. We'd be like, that's enough. That's enough of you, you fucks. Back to the Stone Age. I always saw bats when we had swim meets. Look at those fucking things. Look at the mouths

on those things. Open that up. What is that? I don't know. What the fuck is those little werewolves? That is crazy. Bro,

what are the mouths on those things? Yeah, those like sharp teeth. Are those bats with the wings chopped off maybe? No way.

Is it? Oh man. That's what it? Oh, man. I guess I've never seen a bat up close. No arm or something. Whoa, dude, I think you're right. Find out what that is. I need to know. Those are huge.

Clearly, they're popular because that's a lot of bats for sale. I wonder if they're delicious. Imagine we're missing out. Oh, those are bats. Those are bats. They are bats. Oh, God, that is what they look like. Oh, what do they do with the wings?

Look at the fucking teeth on those monsters. Imagine if they were like the size of a horse flying around. A dragon. Yeah. That is a dragon. Look at the teeth on those fuckers. It doesn't even look real. Yeah.

I like how when they die, their mouths are open. They're still trying to bite you. Just to let you know. You got to be hungry as fuck. Where is that? I'm going to ha where is that did you say that was in indonesia is that what it said yeah i just typed in bats in the wet market so i could see my dog threw up in my uh car today and i caught it in a coffee cup oh wow that's impressive well he was sitting in the front seat and uh sometimes he gets sick especially when he just eats yeah and uh i saw the yeah they start moving and i just put a coffee cup right right where his mouth is while i was driving

and fill the coffee cup up yeah i have a little dog who will just throw up out of nowhere dogs throw up but they do give you warning which is nice we always grab them and pull them off the couch well when you're driving, you know, the fortunate thing is he's sitting right next to me in the front seat. Yeah. He's so cute. He's adorable, isn't he? That's a good dog. He's a sweetie pie. Gotta love that dog. I've never

had a golden retriever before. Yeah. That's my first one, but they're like the best dogs ever. That's like a classic dog. Yeah, they're so sweet. Yeah. Loyal. They just want love. That's all they want. Totally. Just want to hang out with you and give you kisses and go on walks and shit.

My dogs are like six and a half pounds. What are they? What do you have? Well, one's a Pomeranian. It's a little guy. Oh, those are cute little dogs, but they're a little yappy. They are, but we got one that is not yappy. Really?

Yeah. You're lucky. We got the jackpot. And then the other one's a terrier chihuahua mix. She's like eight pounds. Oh, wow. But they guard our house. Like they're going to cause some damage.

Well, they're good guards in that they let you know something's up. Like if someone's out there, they're... So if you got a gun, that's probably the best way. I don't have a gun. You don't have a gun? No. You want one? I don't know. I would want to learn how. You don't have a gun? No. You want one? I don't know.

I would want to learn how to use it first. Oh, for sure. Yeah, because I don't want to just have one. Would you be in trouble? I've been to shooting ranges for sure. I mean, I'm from North Carolina. That's part of, you know. Part of the culture.

Yeah. Yeah. And I went to randomly Luke Bryan's house and shot guns for the first time he's buddies with my buddy Cam Haynes

yeah they're real close I've never met him he's a cool dude I heard he's the best I went to a charity event they had at their house

and so nice but he had skeet shooting I didn't get to do that but then they had some like rifle shooting that's the way to live

and then the long. Rifle? Yeah. The long thing. You know, the long thingy. The barrel part. Here's what's crazy though, my partner, she acted like, oh, what's this?

It's a rifle? Hmm, how do you use one of these? Then there's a five target, she goes pow, pow, pow, pow. Hits every single one of these and then there's a five target she goes pow pow pow pow it's every single one of them and i was like what she's sandbagging she's lying she's lying to me yeah that bitch has been practicing while you're at work so if you're out there shooting if you see me on dateline oh you know you heard it here first i'll let everybody know yeah thank you that bitch is sandbagging man she's got a Punisher t-shirt hidden away in her closet.

Yeah, but you know, I would want to learn the gun safety, how to use it better. That's pretty straightforward, though. I mean, they could teach you that in just a few minutes, as long as you're paying attention. Yeah, just make sure the safety's on, make sure there's nothing

in the chamber, keep your finger off the trigger. Right. Don't ever point it at somebody even when it's not loaded. That's where, when you hear about people doing really stupid things, it's just, that's what it is. It's just not respecting gun safety. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. Was that some Instagrammer or TikTok or some guy shot his fucking computer accidentally? It was a guy on Twitch. Did it live on Twitch. Oh, jeez. Moron. He thought it was unloaded, and he pulled a trigger on his computer and fucking shot around through his computer.

It's like videotaping him and then disappears. Silly bitch. Yeah. Yeah, my brother's in the military, so he's... Here it is. Let's watch this guy. Trigger? Maybe. He's a... Here it is. Let's watch this guy. Did they remove it? Sometimes when you hit that video to play on Twitter,

it doesn't play the first time. You mean when it's embedded in someone's... Yeah. Yeah, when it's embedded in someone's page. Oh, yeah, no, it is taken down. Oh, man. Oh, unavailable. You cannot see this.

How are they going to take that down? It down. Oh, man. Unavailable. You cannot see this. How are they going to take that down? It's too real, man. We don't want you to know that that happens. He shot his Yeti cup. Is that what it is? Oh, he did. He shot a bunch of things. It was on his desk.

I was about to say. It went right through his computer screen, I think. It ricocheted. Whatever. Yeah. What happens to someone like that? They take their gun away? They should.

It's against the law, I think, right? Because you, like, just fire it off in your house? On accident or something like that? Or, like, you can get fined, I think. Yeah, you can't get fined if you shoot an intruder. If you shoot a person,

you're all right. No, that's okay. If you shoot your computer. Even if you shoot a person, like, in Texas,'s okay your computer even if you shoot a person like in texas you can kind of you could shoot i remember a story where a guy was repoing a guy's car a guy hadn't made payments on his truck i believe and the repo guy was opening up the door and you know with the slim jim and getting into his car and the guy reached out the window with a rifle and shot the guy in his driveway dang yeah and they didn't charge him they really yeah they said someone was breaking into your your car as far as you knew right your property okay but i mean he killed this

fucking repo guy man but yeah but then you hear stories about people getting sued like if they shoot somebody that was trying to break into their house. That's in other states. Right. In other states, yeah, you can get sued. I mean, which is crazy. That's crazy. Somebody breaking into your house. Yeah. You're kind of, you know, backs against the wall. Well, you're supposed to assume that they're not going to hurt you.

They've already made the commitment to enter your home by force. They're already doing something insanely risky. Yeah. The idea that you're supposed to somehow or another like warn them as much as you can. And then, I mean, I mean, I kind of get it. Like, what if it's a teenage kid that doesn't know any better and they're just stupid and they're with their friends and they think it's funny to rob someone's house. I don't know.

It's just, it's both ways, right? It's like it's horrible that people have guns and they can just shoot you and kill you. But it's also horrible if you can't have a gun to protect yourself from someone that wants to kill you. Right. Both things are horrible. If no one had guns, the world would be a way better place. But then we'd be at the mercy of, like, giant people. That's true. They would just

run everything. So it's the equalizer. Yeah, guys like the Mountain from the Game of Thrones, he would just be the king of the world. Everybody would have to shut the fuck up. If there was no weapons... What are we gonna do? That's what it was. Before people figured out sticks and spears and rocks and stuff,

like, the biggest humans just fucking ran shit Yeah, we just like let him yeah, but then someone figured out a bow and arrow like that motherfucker when he gets close. It's a problem Yeah And then I'm gonna start running shit. I like bow and arrows. Yeah, that's fun. You shot that yeah Yeah, no, not the gun the old school. See that's what a crossbow is. It's a shitty gun. Yeah? Not the gun. The old school. See, that's what a crossbow is. It's a shitty gun. Yeah.

It's not really a bow. Like, people call it a bow. Like, come on. That's not a bow. That's true. It's got a trigger. You got a scope. Get the fuck out of here.

Yeah. Daryl walking dead. Yeah. That walking dead show's ridiculous. He never runs out of arrows. Never runs out of arrows, and he never gets a pass through. It's been like 16 years he's been in the zombie apocalypse.

These zombies are so soft you could walk up to them stab them in the skull and your knife will go through their skull. No problem. Try stabbing someone in the skull.

That shit's hard. I have never. It bounces off. It's not easy. You go just try it. It's not easy. You have to be really fucking strong

and you gotta hit a good spot. You've got to hit a soft spot like a temple. Yeah. But he just goes right through them with that stupid arrow, but then it never passes through. Right. Never goes right through. Then he just grabs it. Yeah, and he's ready to go again.

No problem. Not only that, he doesn't even have broadheads on him. He's got field tips. Those tips on his arrow, they're like little tiny, they'll make a pencil hole. Like what that is is for practice. He's got practice tips on his fucking arrows. He doesn't even have broadheads. There's some holes in these plots. A lot of holes.

That show I used to love. I loved that show for the first few seasons. It was a great show for like the first two or three seasons. I watched it up until Rick, the main guy, left. Oh, I didn't get that far. A little spoiler alert.

Yeah, when they killed Glenn, I was like, I'm done. The day they killed Glenn. That was a bummer. That's the way they did it, too. I was like, what? And you guys got no respect for your main characters. Smashing his head in. And I saw the dude who played Glenn.

I saw him out somewhere. I want to say it was at a UFC. It might have been at a UFC in the crowd. He was somewhere in the crowd. But he looked depressed. Oh, like he was bummed out about his character getting killed that way? I mean, can you imagine if you're on a show and you're one of the big players on a show? I mean, he was one of the main guys.

Yeah. And one of the more interesting guys. And he's on this show for five, six years or whatever it was. And then one day they just baseball bat you. This new guy. Yeah. Baseball bats you. So not only is this new guy on the show who's getting all the heat, but now he baseball

bats you to death. Yeah. And then you're just out there in public and probably people are like mocking you on social media. If you're not smart, you read that shit and you feel all bummed out and that was at the height of its success you're like you're gonna go out now i know you can't wait till rick leaves yeah well once rick left it's dead right i mean i mean they've they've kept it going but who's on it now uh is the chick with the sword still there uh she was but she's leaving soon then like what like, what do you got? You got nothing.

Because his son's gone, too. Rick's son, Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Yeah. My buddy Josh McDermott's on there.

Yes. I know Josh real well. He's Eugene. Yeah. Josh was on the podcast, like, early on the show. Like, early. And we were like, dude, I can't believe you're on the fucking Walking Dead. I know.

Because I knew Josh from way back in the day. Josh worked with me at the Tempe Improv. He was doing an open mic contest. I think on Thursday, on Wednesday or Thursday. And then we went, we got in there early because we had to do radio back then. And Josh was on stage. He was really funny. And I said, Hey man, you want to work with us all week? Yeah. And he's like, fuck yeah. And so he worked with us all week. Oh, that's awesome. He's a good guy. Really good guy. Funny dude. Yeah. A lot of people don't know

he started, I mean, that's his thing. He was a standup. Well, is he still doing standup? Not much. Not much. That sucks. Yeah. He, because he has to be in Atlanta so much. But he did like a play in New York. Ew. Ew. Ew, there he is. He could play Bill Hicks in a movie. Oh, yeah.

If they ever do a Bill Hicks movie, especially with that haircut that they gave him. He'd be good. Oh, he'd be fucking perfect. But he kind of went off the radar a little bit because the fans are so fanatical that it was just like a lot on Instagram and social media. And it was too much. And he just went off all that stuff. Oh, did he really? That's not good once you're done, though. Yeah.

I know. I was like, you might need to come back on. Once you start doing the fucking improv again. Yeah. You're going to need that shit. Unless he just decided he's gonna be an actor now Yeah he might cause he really loves acting But I remember he couldn't tell anybody

That he had gotten the show And suddenly he had a mullet And we're like Not that I'm one to like Criticize someone's hair but I'm like Dude what are you doing This was before Theo Made the mullet cool.

He kind of did, but not really. It's really just a punchline. He owns it, though. He owns it. He lives it. He is it. He embodies it. With Josh's mullet, the hair is glued on, though, right?

It's like some crazy wig thing. They might put some pieces, but he grew it out and dyed it dark wow and then he uh then i was at a wedding with him when the announcement came out look at him look at him i think that's his hair i don't know about the top part yeah i think they glue a lot in there they might looks good though give him some extensions he can he can rock that shit look at the-hand corner. That one where your cursor's at? That looks good. That's like a hot dude from the 80s. You know?

Like a dude who just pulls up in a Trans Am. That's right. You're like, that's who I want to be with. That guy. One of those gold chains. One of those Heather, what are they called? What's those flat gold chains called? You know what I'm talking about?

I want to say like Heathercut or something like that. Oh, I think my dad had one. Of course he did. He was going through a midlife crisis. Got himself a gold chain. Any time a guy would show up with a gold chain, you're like, what are you up to? Some dudes can pull it off. Black guys can pull it off.

Yeah. Yeah. What are you up to? Some dudes can pull it off. Black guys can pull it off. There's something about white dudes with more than one gold chain that's really atrocious. I'll tell you who couldn't pull it off. Who? My dad. My mom's just like, get out of here. It's like when guys out of nowhere start wearing a bunch of rings. Like skull rings, those big pewter or silver rings.

Yeah, you can't do that. Either you used to do that and you don't anymore or you just don't. Yeah, you can't just start it. Or a thumb ring. Right. Out of nowhere. Yeah.

You're like, what's going on with you? Yeah, when I first met Bourdain, he had a thumb ring. Oh, really? And I'm like, what are you doing, man? What's up with that thumb ring?

What's up with that? And he's like, I'm too old for this thing and he abandoned it yeah he abandoned it after a while maybe he thought it would catch on like oh if i wear a thumb ring i think it was kind of cool for a little bit you know you don't see him much no i don't see a thumb ring it is weird that we decide like this this finger's fine yeah this finger's fine this is an acceptable ring finger yeah but the thumb is like what what are you doing, stupid? Or a pinky ring, like, what are you, in the mafia? Bro, what are you, in the mafia? Joey Diaz has an American Indian pinky ring that he wears.

And you know why he wears it? Because he can't get it off. He put it on, and he gained weight, and it stuck forever. That sounds about right. He's like, what am I going to do? What the fuck am I going to do, cocksucker? I'm sure it'll come off I'm just

I'm just joking but I think I always wonder if that's what it is because I always see him with that fucking ring on now that everybody's having to wash their hands

maybe it'll slip off it doesn't help it's not helping no Michael Osterholm was saying it's not gonna help you oh come on

no it's airborne it's airborne it's in the air people breathing coughing you're around people if you're close to people and they're breathing on you you you're going to get it.

If you touch things, you're going to get it too, though. I mean, maybe it'll help a little bit if you wash your hands a lot. But it's, you know, crowded places is where it's going to be an issue. Pearl Jam apparently just canceled all their gigs. I saw that. Up until late April. And they were playing Madison motherfucking Square Garden. They canceled that.

Yeah. They canceled that. Yeah. They canceled some big gigs. I know. My tour is starting. And I'm like, really? Everybody's tour. Yeah. I've been on these text threads with all my friends.

And like, are you canceling any dates? Like, what are you hearing? I think everybody's kind of waiting. Like, comic-wise, no one's canceled, I don't think. Like, I haven't seen comics canceling. So maybe everybody's kind of waiting to see. Because it's almost like a ripple effect. Once one goes, you're like, oh, here goes another one, here goes another one.

Right, you feel like you have to. Like South by Southwest kind of felt like is going to have a ripple effect. They're saying Coachella is going to be October? Did you see Elon Musk's tweet on Coachella? What did he say? They should postpone Coachella until it stops sucking. I've actually- They tweeted back to him, too.

Did you see their response? No, pull it up. Yeah, I'm going to find the one. What? I've never been to Coachella. I've never been either. I'm a grown ass man. What am I going to do?

Have a bandana? Yeah, because- Because he was there with a car? No, it's Jaden Smith flew a Model X over the crowd. Wait, Will Smith's son plays at Coachella? Yeah. Well, that makes Elon right. That means he's correct.

He liked it. Okay, fine. That was a good idea. Ha ha. Oh, that was good. Ha ha. He only liked that part. Meanwhile, people know that Elon Musk is reading his tweets.

How does he have time? He has 16 different jobs. He made all this money. He's on Twitter all the time. How is that possible, though? He's been tweeting memes. Right, but how is it possible? Maybe he just hires people to do all the stuff now.

No, he's very hands-on. Really? When the Model 3 production was underway, he was telling me that he was working 16 hours a day. Dang. Yeah, he was in the factory 16 hours a day. Maybe he gives himself a little bit of a break and then he goes on tweet storms. He's like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

But that guy, his tweets have cost him millions of dollars and he's still tweeting. He doesn't care. He doesn't give a fuck. But that's how much money, when you have a lot of money you're just like, whatever. Yeah, I'm just tweeting, bitch. Which don't do. Yeah, when he wrote Tesla stock selling private at 420 or secured at 420 as a joke.

Aw. He's got weird 420 jokes, but he doesn't even smoke weed. He smoked on here. When he smoked weed on my podcast, he barely inhaled. Oh, really? Yeah, I don't think he really smokes weed, but he makes a lot of 420 jokes. Maybe he smokes weed on the sneak tip and just didn't want to in front of everybody. So he just didn't want to be rude because I was offering.

So he just took a little bit. Yeah. He's like, it is legal. I'm like, yeah, it's legal, bro. It is. He's too smart. It's uncomfortable. Yeah, because I wouldn't know what to talk with him about.

Imagine talking to regular idiots. Like when he's sitting down there talking like me, I felt bad talking to me. I felt bad he hadn't talked to me. No, but you know a lot of stuff. Oh, I know some things. You're well read. Yeah.

I know a lot of dumb shit. That's good though. I have like a peripheral knowledge, a cursory understanding of many things. It seems like you remember a lot of things that you do read. Yeah, that's where it's tricky. That's where it appears that I'm intelligent. I just have a good memory.

I just remember things. Because I'll read things and it'll go, you know, I'll be like, oh, yeah, I read that book. I couldn't tell you what I read like a year later. It's gone. That happens to me too, though. I only have a memory for things that I think are interesting. If I think something's interesting, I remember it.

But if my wife tells me some shit, I don't give a fuck. I forget it five minutes after she's told me. Did you hear her though? And she'll say it again, and I'll go, what are you talking about? And she goes, I just talked to you about that. I'm like, when? She's like, five minutes ago. I'm like, I blocked you out.

I do that same thing. I'm like, what? She's like, you never listen. And I'm like, no, I heard you. Can you tell me what it, no, I heard you. Can you tell me what it was again? I heard you. I know I heard you. I heard you, bitch. It works well for

memorizing scripts though, for the short-term memory. I'll remember, I can learn a script super quick. Do the lines and then it's gone forever. Well, I feel like as stand-ups we have to have a memory. Yeah.

I mean, you're on stage for a fucking hour. Mm-hmm. Yeah, and the only reason I'm able to remember my set is because it's so much repetition. Some people bring notes on stage, but, man, I always find that to be a big distraction. I feel like Bill Maher brings a fucking concert pianist's stands. Oh, really? You know one of those things? Yeah.

Yeah, and he looks at the notes and passes over them. Oh, like if you're in a choir. Yes. I got you. Like music. Music stand. A music stand, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, like a podium. I have brought notes on stage, and as soon as I start talking, I put it down and never look at it. Yeah. Because it feels odd to stop the rhythm. Right. To be like, let me see what my notes are. You're like, just go with it and see what happens. Well, if you have new shit you're working on, then I understand it. Then I've seen guys go on stage and they have new shit.

Yeah. But sometimes people go on stage with notes just to let you know they're working on new stuff. It's almost like it lessens your expectations. Right. Like, this is all expectations right like this is all new i mean yeah and then they'll do old jokes i just flat out tell them i don't have a punchline i'm gonna make you go on this five minute journey and then it's gonna peter out don't you feel like sometimes that's how you find the punchline yeah i did a show saturday night i go i don't have a punchline to this. You guys have any suggestions? And they legitimately, like three dudes raised their hand. Well, you could do it. I was like, oh, you took me literally.

Okay, well, what do you got? It was all garbage. You never know. You never know. You never know. I'm doing that show tonight at the store, Stand Up on the Spot. Have you ever done that? Mm-mm.

It's Jeremiah Watkins' show. He's asked me, but it's- You should do it. It's really fun. Well, it well it used to be called thunder pussy which is a way better name and it actually is something that i used to do at the end of my shows the end of my shows i used to do a q a and i stole that from jerry seinfeld all right before i ever did comedy i was like 19 i took my girlfriend to see jerry seinfeld at the paradise in boston yeah and uh at the end of the show he gets requests from the audience they raise their hand is paradise was a small theater i want to say maybe 300 400 people's a fairly small place it was cool intimate place to see

jerry and um did he know these questions were coming? No. Did he say? Nope. Oh, okay. They just were like, we want to find out. Yeah, so he did like an hour of stand-up, and then afterwards he actually says, thank you very much, thank you very much. And then he says, I'm going to take some questions from the crowd,

if you have any questions. Okay, gotcha. And then some guy says, how do you feel about the big dig? Because there's this big thing going on in Boston when they were digging tunnels. And he went on this whole impromptu, improvised rant on the big dig. And then someone yelled out something about something. Now, he did it for a while. It's like, that is a great way to come up with material, particularly at the end of your show.

So I did that for a while. But then it got to be too draggy. You never know when to end it. So I do an hour of stand-up and then an hour of that nonsense and you see people yawning and you're like, what am I doing? I'm torturing these poor fucks.

Well, because sometimes in that you can find some real gold and then other times it's just like digging through shit. No one cares. Digging through shit looking for diamonds.

For sure. Just another shovel of shit. Like getting crowd work. You're like, where do you work? And it's something lame. You're like, and where do you work?

You just move on. How do you write, Fortune write fortune i write i go to the computer and write it all out that's what's up knuckles boom do you do that yes i cannot some people are like oh i write on stage i'm like no no i'll find punch lines on stage but i have to know where i'm going good for you but i but i was a journalist for seven years were you really yeah i was an entertainment journalist no kidding it was my like day job while i was pursuing comedy at night how'd you get that gig very random i uh was the i was the um student speaker at my college graduation and uh this actress was a commencement speaker and she hired me to come out to LA and be her assistant. And her neighbor wrote for like the LA daily news. And she's like,

I heard you're a good writer from your speech from in college. I was like, yeah, it would seem to go well. She's like, do you want to write for me, cover events and stuff? And it'll be in the LA daily news.

I was like 23. I was like, yeah, sure. Why not? So I just like became a journalist i had to just like learn how to do it so i was going to like um like movie premieres or like the grammys oscars emmys i talked to celebrities on the phone and would write stories it wasn't like gossip it

was more like what are you working on tell me about you know the project and what are you doing next and what was it like working so and so so I was like getting to learn all this stuff about the business and were you trying to make them funny or you just like just laying it out just laying it out laying out the you know the interview and what they said and and then that job led to a syndicated column so I was writing so it uh became full-time for like six years. Really? Yeah. So I wrote all day from like nine to, well, like nine to six. No shit. And then I would do events at night, and then I started doing comedy like two years into that. Wow.

So you would write all day and then do comedy at night. So while you were writing, would you say, ooh, this could be funny, and then like set it aside? Yeah, well, I always was like requesting to like go to like funny movies like i knew i could interview comedians or uh i would go to like sarah sarah sarah silverman had a show on comedy central i was like oh can i go to set and interview all the comics so i was i was like gathering knowledge that way knowing that i love comedy but i didn't i was never that person like i do comedy because you know i'm like brand new in the stand-up um but it was more of just like it taught me the skill of just getting to the story faster like what what's the interesting part of this interview what's the interesting part of this story and getting to that helped me

you know just be a better writer yeah that's a great skill to have when you're crafting bits well i never knew when i started stand-up that it would be so much writing like i hadn't you know obviously now that i'm a stand-up i'm like duh you have to have material but going into it you just don't realize the content that you need to create well there's a big mistake that many comics make where they do just write on stage and then they have these sort of rambling intros to a bit or a bit maybe they have something there but they they don't sit down in front of a computer for hours and just try to pick it apart oh yeah try to find the best way to do it right but if they did that they would cut down on the process of creating that bit you can get to

the end like some guys can get to, some guys are just like, they're just great at just figuring out how to shorten things up and get to the point really quick. But some people are not and they get comfortable with kind of half-assing it.

Right. And then they stick to that form through the entire bit and you'll see the bit and you're like, hey man, that bit would be so much better if you chopped out like half of the words.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah. And I mean, I'm definitely more of a storyteller. So that's why I like to sit down and write it because I'm not doing set up punchline, set up punchline. I'm telling a story, but I'm trying to make it funny on the way there. And so for me, I have to write because I have to see what it looks like because I'm like, oh, that sentence is really bland. Right. What like one word can I put in there that, you're like, oh, I see it now.

I see what that is. Instead of just being like a ball. You're finding something more unique about it. I tell people there's four steps to creating material. And you could just do one. The one you could do is you could just do it on stage. You could just fuck around on stage and you will come up with an act. Or you can write in front of your computer or in front of a notebook and then you go on stage, you improvise on stage, and then you listen to your sets.

Right. Those are the steps. Those are all the steps. So you can fuck off on the other three and just go on stage if you're a good comic and you can figure out how to develop an act that way. But I really think you're doing yourself a disservice. Yeah. And comics come up with this bullshit like, oh, I write on stage. I'm like, I do too.

Right. Yeah, I do too. Yeah, you're finding stuff all the time. I sit down and there's some of my best punchlines have come from sitting in front of the fucking computer. Yeah, because you're pushing yourself too. Yes. You're like, this is not good. I'll stare at my computer for an hour until I find like even if it's one sentence.

Right, right, right. That makes it better. Oh, yeah. And that's so valuable. You can do 100 sets and never change your bit. Yeah. But you could have like one, you know, hour session in front of a computer where you're like, oh, oh. Yeah.

Because if you're just alone with nothing else and no distractions and you can look at the stuff like it just makes sense that you with focus and time you you can create better yeah just makes sense so you can look at it better yeah and that's what i was doing when i was prepping for this netflix special i was i wrote i wrote it all out it was like 18 pages something like that and then i was i was always i was going on stage and working it out taping it listening to it it, and then constantly moving this paragraph, moving this. All of the work was done at the computer, like moving it

to where it needed to be. Do you use a program or anything to move stuff around? No. I just use Word. Word's fun. There's a program called Scrivener. Have you ever heard of it? I like it a lot because what I do is I'll put all of the subjects on the left column and they're labeled. And then when you click on each

one, it'll be the whole bit. Oh, that's cool. But I don't write in it. I write in Word or I write in, I used to write in something called Write Room, but that was when I was writing on a Mac. And the problem is with Macs, their laptop keyboards suck. Oh no, you were saying there's something you discovered. Think pads. Yeah. Lenovo think pads.

That one, yeah. They're so much better. I mean, you make way less errors. First of all, they're curved. Yeah. The keys are curved so your fingers fit into them. And also, there's a lot of key travel.

There's like 1.7 millimeters to, I think their maximum one is 2.2 millimeters, and the minimum is 1.5. 1.5 is probably as low as you really want to go. Because anytime you get around one, it's just not enough key travel. And Apple, everything has to look beautiful. Everything has to be designed. It's all about the sleek design. It's minimal stuff.

But it's horseshit. Because you've made a tool that doesn't work as well. Right. It's flat keys. They're not concave. They have that beautiful C shape that Lenovo has. So your fingers, you know which key you're hitting. There's no errors.

You don't fuck up as much. Yeah. I did the old school. My mom made me take keyboarding in high school. So I had to learn how to do those things. So the keyboard is important. Yeah, it's very important. You should try ThinkPad.

I'm telling you, they're the shit. Yeah, I will. They're so much better. And you get over the Windows thing. Everybody's like, Windows sucks. It doesn't suck anymore. Windows 10 does not suck. Yeah.

It's easy. It doesn't fuck up. It sucks when it has to update. That shit takes a long time. Right. But that happens on the Mac too. Yeah. You just have it update at night or something. But type on it is a dream it's so much easier well

especially if you're spending so much time riding on something like that if you're just like surfing the net it's like yeah i see like whatever i have this uh thinkpad x1 carbon and it fucking weighs nothing yeah it weighs like a couple of pounds which Which is nice to take. Like on the road, I'm always like, my book bag is like, oh my God. Well, Apple wants to make aluminum laptops. Yeah. Look at that old beast

that I have over there. Oh yeah. The old 17 inch one. It's heavy and then you have that big old power strip. Yeah, but that I could fuck somebody up

with that if they tried to mug me. That's true. If you have a bag with a 17 inch laptop in, that's like a bomb. That is. Yeah. Yeah.

But that's actually, the reason why i have that one because the key travel was different back then the key travel is actually pretty good on that yeah and the keys are a little curved but once they started trying to make them thinner and lighter that's what i have because i have the air yeah so it's like my little fat fingers are like itty bitty like it's hard and then changed something recently where it's like I'm writing words and it's changing it for me

and autocorrect yeah but to like the wrong ones totally wrong words yeah it's like oh I think you meant this yeah I'm like

that's not and it's yeah it's been weird like there was some update that was weird lately in Microsoft Word I think so yeah

unless I'm thinking about my phone it could be my phone it's the phone yeah the phone does that with me. It annoys the shit out of me. It's like, I think you meant to say.

But it's like the craziest words that no one's ever going to use. Really? Yeah. Well, I mean, the classic, ducking. Oh, yeah. Who's ducking? Yeah. Come on.

How often does that happen? At some point, they need to embrace that people are saying fucking. Well, why don't they have like a way you can click on it and say learn like maybe old people don't want you suggesting fucking right but or you know hardcore christians or something like that but if you're a person who says fuck all the time preference you should be able to auto-correct to fuck yeah like it says that once you've used it enough it should be like all right this is a standard word for the wonder if android does it the same way i don't know i wonder if android corrects like that too my partner has an android yeah

but i've never asked lesbians are so funny with partner why don't you just say my girl my girl my woman i don't know why is it partners always are you guys in business respectful is that what it is i don't know i think because we uh couldn't get married i mean we're not married we're engaged but i think because people couldn't get married for so long it was like they couldn't say wife or husband right so the word became partner it is weird right like wife and husband and all these words yeah that just standard words that we just use over and over again My wife My girl My girlfriend

It's like your girlfriend for a long time It's your fiance for a long time It's wife When did bae come along? When did B-A-E When did bae come along? Seems like it's real recent It's been like three or four years

A couple years ago? Yeah These fucking kids on Instagram They probably came up with it My bae Twitter kids Yeah It's just a My partner's weird My partner A friend of mine used it And he was talking about his wife on Instagram. They probably came up with it. My bae. Twitter kids. Yeah.

It's just a partner's weird. A friend of mine used it and he was talking about his wife. It's like my partner and I, I'm like your partner. What are you talking about? Your wife? That lady that you're married to? When did she become

your fucking partner? You guys go into business together? It's like people who are progressive, they try to use words that like gay and lesbian people use. The right words. And they try to use it like almost as and lesbian people use the right words and they they try to use it like almost as like they're an ally like we're all one yeah my partner and i like your partner yeah bitch your wife that lady you're married to i just shut the fuck up i find the word

fiance weird it is weird because so is she is my fiance we've been engaged for over two years but it's weird to be like this is my fiance yeah it's like engaged for over two years, but it's weird to be like, this is my fiance. Yeah. It's like, it almost seems like more pretentious. It is a little bit, right? It's like, shit or get off the pot, bro. Yeah. What are you doing?

I know. How come you... People were like, when are you getting married? I mean, we are getting married, but we are like, just not, neither of us are planners. You should be able to say it the week before the wedding. Yeah. My fiance and I, the week before, you can say it. Other than that, stop saying it.

Yeah. So if you come up with a better word for me, let me know. One good thing about fiance is that it's gender neutral. Right. It's boy, girl, it's everybody. Right. Yeah. It's just spelled differently, but no one really cares about that. Where was I reading in some country they have a marriage contract that lasts a certain amount of time?

Where the fuck was that? I was like, wow, that's interesting. It's like a five-year contract with an ability to renew. Oh, and so if it's not working out. It just dissolves. It's like a lease on a car. You just get that piece of shit back. That's not bad for some people.

Well, it's great for some people. Anna Nicole Smith's husband would have loved that. Just take a lease and try it out. Yeah. It'd save you a lot in the divorce fees and all that. Right. Because this is, I don't know, it's weird. It's like, in a case like the Anna Nicole Smith bit, or the Anna Nicole Smith situation,

like that kind of situation is weird when one person has the money, and you can tell the other person is only with them for the money. Right. And they're trying to talk them into signing a contract, and then they'll eventually leave them. Like, I knew this lady. She was really hot. Her boyfriend was really not.

And we all knew what was coming. Right. And the guy had money. And he wrote her into his. Oh, yeah. They got married. Yeah, they got married. And she took the house.

She took everything. Oh, she left him. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We knew she was going to leave him. How long did she stay in it? She stayed in it a couple of years. Just enough to get the chizash. Just enough.

That's brutal. It was ugly for all involved. Yeah. Watching it on the outside, we're like, that poor bastard. But you can't say anything to your friend? Nope. Can't say a goddamn thing. Because then your friend's like, well, what's wrong with me?

Why would she not want to be with me for me? Well, I wasn't tight enough with him. Okay. Yeah. He was just a casual friend. Yeah. He's a nice guy. But it was like the writing was on the wall.

Oh, yeah. The moment I saw the two, I was like, oh, he's got money. Yeah. Oh, I see what's up. And and she was just she had hungry eyes that bitch is looking around she's looking around she's looking around she's like what you got in that what you got in that wall yeah she's looking around for other dick too it was just one of those things they're always looking for the next but but it is a possibility that That's the thing. It's like being a prostitute is illegal, but being a gold digger is fine. Right. Like you should go to jail for being a gold digger.

And what's the difference? You know what I mean? The line is not that far apart. Very close. Yeah. Like do you remember Donald Sterling, the guy who owned the Clippers, the other really hot girlfriend? She recorded him saying some racist shit. Oh, that's right.

Yeah. That was a perfect example. That girl was clearly a gold digger. He was disgusting. Yeah. He was disgusting, and she was hot. And then he had to sell, right? Yeah.

They made him sell the team. I had a whole bit about it because it's really funny. What he said was, he goes, I don't care if you fuck these guys, just don't take pictures with them. really funny what he said was he goes i don't care if you fuck these guys just don't take pictures with them that's what he said yeah see everybody like it was a virtue signaling opportunity for everybody to make sure that everyone knew that they were not racist and that they abhor racism right which is wonderful right but what what he said was pretty reasonable he said i don't care if you fuck these guys, just don't take pictures with them. Yeah, like embarrassing him or something? Yes, exactly. But it's his

girlfriend. So imagine if he said it the other way. I don't care if you take pictures with them, just don't fuck them. Right. That would be reasonable. Right. So he's giving her a way better deal. She's allowed to fuck them. Yeah. He's saying, I don't care if you fuck these guys. Take all the selfies you want. Yeah, just don't take pictures. fuck these guys take all the selfies yeah just don't take pictures

imagine if he said it the other way everybody would be like well that's reasonable if he said you know just take pictures all day but don't fuck them that would be like a standard thing that someone would ask of a spouse i mean most spouses don't want you fucking other people most some of them do yeah that's what gets really weird right the people that want you to fuck other people like the open stuff? You take pictures. Even worse. Like cucks.

Like there's guys that want guys to fuck their girl. Oh, yeah. Because there's like a masochist or something like that? No, they're cuckolds. That's what it's called. Oh, that's the- That's the real term. Oh, I didn't know.

Yeah. I just thought those were like pussies. That is pussies. Okay. But the origin of the term is cuckold. And the origin of the term is like a man who knows his wife is fucking other guys. And either approves of it or likes the feeling of shame. There's some men that like the feeling of shame and humiliation.

That does not mean. It takes all kinds to run this world i'd be crying like a bitch but isn't it weird how it does take all types of people to run this world oh people have so there's so many different kinds of people when it comes to like sex stuff people are all over the spectrum all over the spectrum yeah furries you, people like to dress up like mascots. Yeah. There's a lot of CEOs that like to hire dominatrix to tell them what to do and kick them in the balls.

It's the only person that will like talk to them like that. They like it. They like guys to, or they like women to spit on them and stuff. Yeah. Piss on them and just treat them like shit. I'll tell you this. I don't want to be, I don't want to be pissed on. I got, I stepped on a sea urchin once. Yeah. Piss on them and just treat them like shit. I'll tell you this. I don't want to be pissed on. I stepped on a sea urchin once.

Yeah. And somebody said, I'll piss on your foot. I was like, I'm going to just be in pain for the next two hours. Don't do it. I don't think that works. That's what they say, but I don't know. Yeah, I stepped on one too. They just poured vinegar on it.

I'm like, you don't have an ointment? Why do you have to go straight to pissing on my foot? Not much they can do. I just pulled the things out. I had to pull them out. We were snorkeling, and then we got near this reef, and I wanted to put my feet down, catch a little break, and I just went right on to a sea urchin. Well, I attempted to surf in Hawaii, and I couldn't even get my board past the break. And so it kept pushing me back in and I got so tired of just like, I had no upper body

strength. So I just, I was like, fuck it. I stood up and immediately like stood on the sea urchin. Yeah. Those fuckers are rough. Yeah. They don't want to get eaten because they're delicious. Have you ever had sea urchin sushi?

Never. Oh, so good. It looks like an orange tongue I've never had it because it looks weird it does look weird but it's quite delicious and the texture's not? it's a little mushy texture bothers me

I can't eat certain foods like strawberries I know it's so weird that's a crazy one the little seeds. Oh, really? The pokey-outy seeds on the outside? I hate them.

Really? The feeling of biting. What about kiwis? You okay with that? It'd be the same. Because it's mushy and seeds. Oh, you're a weirdo. I'm a weirdo.

Yeah, you definitely are. I think I'm just coming up with excuses not to eat fruit. Mentally, I'm telling myself this. Keep away from seeds. Yeah. Are you okay with oranges? with excuses not to eat fruit. Like mentally, I'm telling myself this. Keep away from seeds. Yeah. Are you okay with oranges? I like oranges, yeah.

What about when you find a seed? Do you get mad? It's different because it's not like that hard, I don't know, something about the hard, crunchy thing I don't like. Interesting.

Same with like raspberries. Okay. Those kind of seeds. Raspberry seeds are a little odd. Yeah. They're a little odd. But I love the flavor of strawberries. So what do you do about it?

I just- Make someone peel your strawberries? That's what you do when you become a super baller. You're flying around in private jets, get your toes done. That's right. Have someone peel your strawberries. They'll be like, why? Because I said so.

Do it, bitch. Peel the strawberries. You don't have any texture thing? No. Yeah. No. Well, good. No, I don't have any texture thing? No. Yeah. No. All good? No, I don't have any problems with texture.

Yeah, I get it though. I eat a lot of crazy shit though. Yeah. Yeah. I don't have any problems with. You're a very healthy guy. I'm pretty healthy. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Good for you. Thank you. Good for you. Do you have any aspirations to be healthy? do you want to one day i mean i've been trying to be better i've lost i lost 40 pounds that's awesome yeah thank you i mean it's more like 32 now that's good um but you know it's a it's a start i mean it always fluctuates but i think uh once i got with my fiance, she's very skinny. Your partner?

Yeah, my partner. She's very skinny, and she comes from a healthy family. And did she ever, like, bitch your crush on me? Well, she was just... Yeah, pretty much. She just was like, you know, we were, like, in love, and it was new. We were eating, like, 10-course meals all the time. Woo, that's nice. You know, you're just, like, then you're just, like... Living the it was new. We were eating, like, 10-course meals all the time. Woo! That's nice.

You know, you're just, like, then you're just, like, watching Netflix. Do you drink? Yeah, I drink. So you drink your wine. Yeah, I drink my wine. Old-fashioned is my drink. Good times. Getting a little lit with the one you love.

But we both just, like, we got engaged and saw our engagement photos, and we were like, oh, shit. Oh, shit. Like, there's no joy in looking at our engagement photos. We we were like, oh, shit. Oh, shit. Like, there's no joy in looking at our engagement photos. We're both, like, horrified. So it, like, was the catalyst. We did that whole 30 thing. You know what that is?

What's that? It's, like, for 30 days, it's an elimination diet. It's, like, no sugar, no dairy, no gluten, soy, all that stuff, no alcohol. And it really, like, like made me for the first time start reading labels i started realizing like what all the chemicals were in foods and it's basically eating whole foods like meat and vegetables basically for a month and how'd it go i lost 20 pounds the first round that's amazing kept it off and then did another round like six months later lost another like 18 20 and i kept

it off for a while and it's like over the holidays like seven pounds or so creep back yeah the holiday creep yeah but at least i'm like we're trying to go hiking together because i just come from a family i come from you know from north carolina we love fried food. My family were big folks. And I just never really learned that nutrition thing. We didn't have a lot of money. And when you're poor, all the worst foods for you are like a dollar. Yeah, isn't that amazing that poor people are fat in this country? Yeah.

This is the only time in history where poor people are overweight. In the past, I mean, look at photos from the 1920s when people were poor yeah that sunk in cheekbones they're trying not to starve to death they just needed food yeah so you know it's like when you don't have a lot of money you do tend to go to like the fast food places of course the food that's not good for you so i'm almost like having to retrain myself and my brain as an adult. And it seems like backwards. You can eat pretty good at fast food if you're smart. Yeah. Like if you can get like three egg McMuffins and just take away the bread and just eat the ham and the egg.

And that is actually good. It's not bad. It's actually good for you. Yeah. I mean, it's a bullshit egg. And that is actually good. It's not bad? It's actually good for it. Yeah. I mean, it's a bullshit egg. It's really, the yellow of the yolk looks like your legal pad. Right. You know, I mean, yellow.

Like, I buy these organic eggs. I used to have chickens, but the coyotes killed them all. Oh, that's a bummer. Those cunts. Yeah. Cunty coyotes. My brother has chickens and the same thing. My yolks used to look like orange. Yeah. I would get them from the chickens that I raised because I'd let them roam around.

But that's also how they got whacked. We lost a bunch of them that way and then we lost more of them because they broke into the chicken coop and killed them all. But I buy them now from this organic company that lets their chickens free range and their dark, dark, healthy yolks. You don't get that from McDonald's, unfortunately. That's a company that lets their chickens free range and their dark, dark, healthy yolks. Yeah. You don't get that from McDonald's, unfortunately. No. But you still get eggs, which are good for you, and ham, which is not bad for you.

Yeah. You can be pretty good. Yeah. I think where I get messed up is the road. Yeah. The road's hard for me to, like, really maintain that. I need structure. I need, like, oh, you know, every day we're gonna hike we're gonna do this we're gonna eat at home yeah as soon as i start on the road it's like oh we're you know

well we gotta taste this delicacy from i don't know detroit right well actually after shows is a real problem for everybody because you're tired yeah when you're tired you make the worst food choices for sure you're like fucking feed me cake give me cake cake for breakfast yeah you want fries poutine you ever have you ever been to montreal oh yeah that's good that's good it's really good the gravy montreal has some good food they have some good food there's one of my favorite restaurants ever is in montreal it's called jo Beef. I've heard. I've never been. Oh, it's amazing. All the comics love that place. God damn, it's good.

And the guys, Fred and David, have been in here before. They've been on the podcast before. They're great. I was introduced to them by Bourdain. It's a good steakhouse, right? They have everything. Okay. It's a French restaurant.

Oh, gotcha. It's spectacular food. Yeah. It's the first time I ever ate horse. Oof. I had horse in Switzerland by accident. By accident? It was bovine. Spectacular food. Yeah. It's the first time I ever ate horse. Oof. I had horse in Switzerland by accident. By accident? It was bovine.

Gnarly. What did you think it was? Again, that texture, man. It tasted like a raw hamburger patty. Oh, well, it was probably tartare. It was probably horse tartare. Yeah, but I didn't order that. I ordered a hamburger.

Oh. So you thought you were getting a hamburger and they gave you raw horse meat? Yep. Wow. They're like, listen, bitch, I'll tell you what to eat. You're going to need some horse. I bit down in it and I was like. Like my dog in the car.

Yeah. It is interesting what we choose to eat and what we choose not to eat. I went down a homesteading rabbit hole last night. For whatever reason, you know, sometimes I go on these YouTube rabbit holes. And last night I spent an hour watching videos of people who raise all of their own food in the homestead. And this one guy was talking about rabbits. And he raises rabbits. And he has these rabbits in hutches.

Yeah. These hutches. And then they keep them and eat them. And he was like, two rabbits will give you 600 pounds of meat a year. Really? Yes. Two rabbits.

Because they fuck so much. Wow. And they make so many rabbit babies. Yeah. And they keep doing it. And then you mix them up and make them fuck them and they all fuck each other and they make more rabbits and then you keep feeding those rabbits and the other thing that he was saying was the rabbit poop is like the best fertilizer on earth it's amazing

fertilizer and you scatter the rabbit poop and also the birds will actively peck at the rabbit poop and they will turn the rabbit poop they'll they actually turn the soil for you yeah they fold it into the soil for you man crazy these people living off the land right well this guy was living off the land he seemed a little odd usually they always are a little they're a little yeah when they're off the grid and he was homeschooling his children you know the whole deal yeah like jesus is coming back and when he does we're gonna give him rabbit meat that's everybody's got a bunker jesus is coming back don't he does we're going to give him rabbit meat everybody's got a bunker Jesus is coming back don't listen to those people at school they don't know shit

I know those little kids they like try to like you know intertwine with other kids at some point and you're just like oh poor kids you were homeschooled right that's a rough spot for kids if they've been homeschooled and then one day they get out in the real world well you just need to socialize them I mean listen if you want to homeschool good for you i understand some

people you know you could end up getting a much better education if you're a good homeschool teacher but socialize your kids that will help them i knew this one kid that was socialized and his dad used to take him to jujitsu and he was pretty talented like pretty talented jujitsu kid but uh he was just so socially awkward for someone his age yeah whereas other kids like i want to say like 16 17 at the time other 16 17 year old kids who would come to class they'd be like kids they'd be having a good time trying to learn like wow this is cool but they they were used to being around people right this kid was like uh the whole the wild world yeah out here in the world in his jiu-jitsu class and he was he seemed like a little shell-shocked to be around large groups of people

whereas kids that go to school you're used to being around large groups of people right there's a very valuable socializing aspect to school absolutely i mean most people don't even learn anything in college they just learn how to like be a cool person to hang out with. Right. Well, they learn some weird stuff. Not everybody. Some people, well, they do learn, but some people also learn how to push buttons. They learn how to get people to like you.

Right. They learn how to get people to think you're virtuous and how to be for the right causes and how to shame people that are for the wrong causes and how to try to, there's a lot of that going on in college too. But that's also part of being a young person, right? You're young, you have these ideals and you're trying to enforce them on other people.

Or you think you know more than everybody else. It's hilarious. It's adorable to watch. When I go do college shows now, I'm like, oh, you guys are so young. Yeah. I can't believe it. You still do college shows? Like here and there. It's so young yeah i can't believe it like you still do

college shows like here and there it's once in a blue moon they're they're hard because you know those kids just like they don't they don't know how to the take things like they don't get the joke sometimes you know i mean they don't know how to joke around everything's literal yeah very literal where you're like hey that i was being being sarcastic. You're not allowed to. You shouldn't do that. They're like 80% people. They're not 100% people. I've been schooled sometimes.

Really? You shouldn't say that. Come on. The kids in the crowd tell you or afterwards? It was a while ago, but you're just like, all right. I'm not getting paid enough. I had a kid come up to me once and tell me that something was anti-Semitic. And this was the, it was like, someone said, do you know any, it was like one of those

fun, it was like a little auditorium, not a big crowd. This was way back in the day, right? Yeah. And someone said, do you know any joke jokes? Any good jokes? I said, okay, I got to know one. Two Jews walk into a bar. They buy it. That's it. And this guy comes up to me and I go into one, two Jews walk into a bar. They buy it.

That's it. And this guy comes up to me and goes, that joke is very anti-Semitic. I go, why? Because Jewish people are good at business?

They're successful. That's not anti-Semitic. That's pro-Jewish. That means they're good at buying stuff. Right. They're good at running businesses. Yeah.

That's, that may be a stereotype. Right. But it's a positive stereotype right it's a successful stereotype it's like black guys with big dicks right right yeah who doesn't want you to say that that's not racist it may be stereotypical it's a stereotype but it's a positive but no one's been like yo joe yeah don't say i have a big dick italian grandmas are good cooks oh my god you're racist like no No, that's usually a fact.

Because there's usually more people where that is true than not. It's a stereotype, but it's a positive stereotype. There's a difference between something that's discriminatory, like it's mean and nasty, and something that's just fun. Absolutely. And college kids don't get that yet. No. They're at 80%.

And so I had this conversation with the kid. He felt like, boy, he was going to tell me. He came up to me to let me know. This is, again, this is the 90s, early 90s. And I was like, how is that possibly anti-Semitic? Yeah. And he didn't have an answer. He didn't have an answer, yeah.

He was baffled. He thought he could just say it. And then I'd be like, oh, my God, I'm sorry. I didn't know I offended you. And he'd be like, you did. And then he was going to it. And then I'd be like, oh, my God, I'm sorry. I didn't know I offended you. And you did. And then he was going to leave. And that's it. Yeah.

I showed him. I'm like, think about what the joke is. I'm saying they buy the bar. How is that bad in any way? But that's half of college shows. You're explaining your jokes. I'm taking up time just explaining the joke I just told. But that one in particular is so ridiculous.

Yeah. Because there's nothing negative about it at all. It's explaining the joke I just told. But that one in particular is so ridiculous. Yeah. Because there's nothing negative about it at all. No? It's the simplest joke of all time. Two Jews walk into a bar, they buy it. Right. It's not even that funny. But I don't know any jokes.

I don't know any joke jokes either. You're like, oh, that's the worst. And we're like, tell me a joke. You're like, get out of here. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Tell me what you talk about. Oh, God.

I talk about life. I've had fucking comedians comedian like older comedians in particular say that so what kind of shit do you talk about on stage like oh well i talk about the hierarchies and how we can dismantle them and separate people what i don't i don't know what i talk about i talk about life yeah and then what i say or you will meet somebody for five minutes. Like, you can talk about me if you want. What do I? I don't know you. Oh, did they say that?

Yeah, like, what would I possibly talk about? That's what you should say. People that think I'm going to talk about them on stage. Hey, fuckface. Yeah. You ain't interested. I'm like, I'm minding my own crazy life. My own silly family.

Yeah. I have no time. I'm good. I have no time to be fucking with you. and your nonsense your nonsense man but i came yeah i came up at the uh the store that's where i first learned stand-up really and it was yeah what year did you start 2007 wow that's the year i left i know that was the the whole controversy. Wow. And yeah, I wasn't there that night, but it was all the talk, obviously. And yeah, I started 2007 in the belly room.

And just, you know, that was when like no one was coming to shows. Yeah, it was empty there. They were like giving me like 130 spots. That was the one thing that I felt bad about. I felt like, damn, what if that place goes under? You know, after I bolted. Yeah. And talked shit about them. Right.

Because it hit them. Yeah. It was like just a different time. Like now every show's sold out. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, but back then it was like, I was like performing like four drunk dudes. Well, 2014 is when it all turned back around. That's when it all turned back around.

What did make it turn back around? Just all you guys coming back and doing sets all the time? For sure. Yeah. Yeah, and then talking about it. Talking about coming back. I think podcasts helped. When I started back again, it was pretty good.

Yeah. It wasn't as good as it is now. Now it's amazing. Now it's great. It's insane how it is now. But creatively, it was really good back then i saw roast battle for the first time and i remember being there i'm going wow like these these people are fucking creative like this is a this is a fun show you know and uh i came back because well first of all because adam adam egan because tommy

got fired yeah the dipshit that was running it. But also because Ari was doing his comedy special there. Right, right. And I love Ari to death. And there was no way I was going to miss that. I was like, I can't miss it. Yeah. He's one of my best friends.

I was friends with him when he was a doorman at the store. Now here he is doing his Comedy Central special there. Yeah. I'm like, I have to come back. And so I went there the night before, which was a tuesday he was filming on a wednesday i came to the night before and i saw roast battle and then i hung out i was like holy shit i was like this just feels crazy yeah it feels like a different place like a whole whole different energy yeah and adam was like come on man come back that was 2014 man that was a long time long time ago yeah yeah i mean between the seven years i was gone yeah i was gone for seven years yeah yeah and then um i saw ari set and then um i

sat down with paulie made nice nights with paulie became buddies again yeah and then i said fuck it i'm back and then when i came back joey uh joey, I think, a little bit before me. I think Joey was back, like, maybe a month before I was, which helped me as well. And then Duncan came back a little bit after that. And then Adam, because everybody loves Adam, he opened the door to a bunch of comics that never worked the store before. They thought it was dark. Yeah. A lot of people thought it was, like, a gross place. Well, it had a weird energy.

Yeah. There was, like, you would walk down gross place. Well, it had a weird energy. Yeah. There was, like, you would walk down the hall and you could feel that sort of heaviness. And you're like, this is a comedy place. Like, this is weird that it feels so heavy. Well, that place has gone through weird peaks and valleys. When I went there in 94, I first came here from Boston, or from New York, actually. I went to Boston, New York. But when I was in Boston, it was Mecca.

Yeah. And we would talk about it, like, dude, that's where Kinison came from. Yeah, for sure. Kinison was at the store. Richard Pryor. Bill Hicks was a doorman. We would talk about it with hushed tones. It was like the Mecca.

It was Mecca. But then when I came here in 94, it was dog shit. Really? Oh, it was terrible. It was terrible. There were a bunch of Bodaks. See, what happened was Kinison died in like 92. And when he died, there was a vacuum of bodaks see what happened was kinnison died in like 92 and when he died there was a vacuum there was a void and he had already left the store

he left the store i think like a year or two before that he had a falling out with mitzi and you know he was fucking crazy right kinnison was like legitimately crazy yeah and um there was a wave when he was there where a bunch of people would come to see him and some of the other guys like you know rick duke come in and some you know there was martin lawrence was there were a bunch of people would come to see him and some of the other guys like, you know, Rick Duke come in and some, you know, there was Martin Lawrence was there. And then, well,

actually Martin Lawrence was there during the, during 94 when I was there. Made me be like 95 or 96. But when I, when I came back, most of the nights you would be there like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,

it was like terrible. Half filled rooms. Yeah. Terrible acts. People that should have quit comedy years ago, but they were only doing the store. They were getting spots, too. They were getting spots, but they weren't working.

They weren't working comics. And they were working probably the same material. That was happening a lot even when I started. Yes, yes. They were working the same material forever, for years and years and years. And that was fucking gross. It was weird to see.

I remember the first night I came there, I sat in the back of the room to watch a show. I was out here for a pilot with me and Jim Brewer, and we're out here filming a pilot. We both lived on the East Coast, and I was like, wow, this is the store. This is weird. These acts are terrible.

No one was good. There was no one good. It wasn't like Don Marrero was there. I'm sure he there was no one good it wasn't like you know don marrero was there i mean i'm sure he was there occasionally but it wasn't like it is tonight where any night you go there you'll see ron white chrystalia nick swartz and whitney cummings fucking uh anthony jessel nicks like bang bang bang bang just killer after killer after killer after killer it's like holy shit yeah and it wasn't when i started it wasn't it was like tony was the door guy he was the door guy then and i'm trying to uh dalia was like uh

just starting to do like the or and you know yeah it was an interesting time like whitney was doing a lot of spots no r and uh you know it was very um cliquish. Everybody kind of knew each other and I just started in the belly room and worked my way down and it was cool though because it made you better because there was like never, I rarely did a show with more than like 10 people in the audience

at least downstairs but I remember Those late night spots are weird. Yeah, they're weird and they didn't care, Tommy didn't care if people were on TV. I remember those late night spots are weird yeah they're weird and they didn't care Tommy didn't care if people were on TV like I remember Jordan Peele had just finished Mad TV they put him up on

it was like that Bringer not Bringer show it was an open mic they let him do like 3 minutes on this open mic and he wasn't what he is now as far as like he had this huge hit movie now he's this massive director. But he would have been on Mad TV for seven years. He went like three and a half minutes.

Tommy comes storming out. Get the fuck off the stage. You're like, what's happening? It was like the wild, wild west. And so I just kind of like kept to myself and just kept doing jokes. Well, Tommy should have never been in a position ever to tell anyone what to do. Yeah. And they let him do that because he was basically Mitzi's caretaker.

Right. Along the way, he alienated a lot of people. It became a real mess for a lot of people. But I was lucky because early on, guys started seeing me perform in the belly room. Because it was hard to get his ear you had to like get his ear to like let you showcase but like i remember brett ernst uh saw me at a show and he's like you gotta you gotta showcase i was like i can't get tommy's attention you know so it was like dudes would like you know he he would see tommy like you gotta let her showcase you gotta let her showcase i always wondered if maybe he was like Jack Nicholson in The Shining, like in the Overlook Hotel.

Maybe the place took over him. It might have. Maybe he was just vulnerable and dumb enough so that the ghost could get in his head. Yeah. Because that place is definitely weird. Yeah. But it's real positive now. It's a different feel.

The darkness isn't there anymore. No. Yeah. It's very supportive. I showcased for Mitzi. is definitely weird yeah it's but it's real positive now it's a different feel that darkness isn't isn't there anymore yeah it's very supportive i showcased her mid-sea i did the i did the video though she wasn't there she had just uh passed justin uh martindale and then i showcased justin martindale was the last person the last one and then i and then she passed she did pass me as um a non-paid regular first me too yeah i did so i got to do the belly room on friday nights uh nice and then i was a non-paid regular for like six months and then then i got past yeah my story is real similar non-paid regular for like i think four or five months i was going on every night late late late

at night or going after the show was over just kind-hmm. Yeah. Just kind of, you know, just, and I get it. I mean, I was only, I got past three years in the stand-up, so I wasn't complaining. Yeah. But I, you know, she was like, she needs to keep working. Sure. I'm not going to make her a paid regular yet. So it made me, you know, have to work. Yeah.

Work for it, which I appreciate now. Well, also, it's like, you get used to the club. You get used to just being there. Like, to me, just being there was so weird. But I was six years into comedy when I came to L.A. And I remember the day I became a paid regular. It was like I couldn't sleep. I was like, holy shit.

I was staying in the Oakwood Gardens apartments. Oh, yeah? Furnished apartments. Oh, the furnished ones, yeah. You know what I mean? I remember bywood Gardens apartments Oh yeah Furnished apartments Oh the furnished ones You know what I mean I remember by Disney Yeah yeah And I was laying in bed

Going holy fuck I'm a paid regular at the store Like I'm a real comedian now Yeah That's all I could think of I was like I'm a real comedian Like I'm a professional Yeah

I mean it's a big deal Oh my god for me it was huge And it was like Cause I started in improv and sketch At the Groundlings oh did you yeah so i had like even though i was newer to stand up i'd have that stage experience for a couple years before i started stand-up which i felt helped me just get in the rhythm of stand-up right away and so i just kind of hit the ground running and you know to me one of my biggest

accomplishments is being a paid regular and that I got it before I was on TV. Because sometimes I feel like that does help when you're on TV. They're like, oh, well, they're funny. They're on TV. And they sometimes get passed. And so it made me feel like a real comic to get passed and not have any TV credits. Yeah. No, I'm sure. I mean, having any kind of performance experience is going to at least give you this comfortable feeling of performing and talking in front of people.

For some people, it's so weird. Yeah. Talking in front of people is just, they say that's one of the most terrifying things that some people can do. Yeah, like before death, people were afraid of, like, really? I'd rather. I'd rather do a set in the belly room. just get a mic do you really want to be that scared when did you start doing the road uh pretty quick to uh 2010 I did last comic standing oh who was on that that season that was Felipe as far as the one that year Tommy John again oh nice I love Felipe. Yeah, Nikki Glaser.

Oh, she was on too? She was on that season, yeah. Damn, that's a good season. It's a good season. And it had been like gone away and come back. So it was kind of an experience. Who was the host? Craig Robinson.

Oh, okay. Yeah. And so I did that and I started The Road after that. But like shit gigs, you know? I forgot Craig was the host of it. I just remember when Jay was the host of it i just remember when jay was the host of it yeah it was it had been on and it was like more of a reality show with stand-up and when they brought it back it was like just stand-up no one was like living in a house together oh really yeah there were no like challenges it was just oh thank god oh yeah you got lucky yeah for

sure because i was like i don't want to live in a house with a bunch of stand-ups so i just we just got to do stand-up and then i started touring after that and then 2011 i got chelsea lately and then i started basically i've been touring ever since oh that's cool that's amazing that's a good little origin story yeah like well bill burr used to uh he's always been so nice to me. And he'd always be like, why are you never at the store? I'm like, I'm touring. I promise you I'm doing stand-up. I just started touring, like, and wasn't going in as much for a little bit.

That's great, though. But he's always like, you need to stop acting and just do stand-up. I'm like, I get it. It's a compliment. I do like acting. When he says it but it's a compliment i do like acting when he says that it's a compliment yeah for sure he's just uh he just thinks you're really funny that's that's high praise yeah he's always been so good to me he's a great guy he's a really good guy the best i just didn't think that he would be into my comedy you know i he loves comedy period yeah yeah and he loves just he loves the art form and he respects people that work hard at it and that are good at it.

He's so down to earth, like still. Yeah. And no matter all the success that he's had, I've known him forever. He's never changed. Yeah, I love him. He's the same guy. And he's so humble. Like if you tell him that he's doing well, it's like, ha, a lot of people are doing well.

Yeah, he's always got a, he's in shits on himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, come on, man. But that's why he's so funny. Yeah. I mean, this is also a unique time in that comics are putting out all these specials and the specials are better with each time. Like I think Paper Tiger was one of his best specials ever.

Yeah. Maybe his best. And it was really sharp. And it's hard to top yourself at his level, you know? It is. Yeah. But that's the thing about the store that's so wonderful wonderful i hate to use that word because it makes me sound fake wonderful wonderful it's so amazing that there's so many people doing that like you know and it's

cool to be able to sit down and talk to the different people that are doing it in you know different ways like yeah like uh bill doesn't put himself on any kind of a cycle he just decides when it's time to do a special. He's like, I don't want to ruin it. Whenever I want to do it, then I'll do a special. But Jesselneck puts himself on a cycle. And it's an interesting cycle. Oh, does he?

One year, all town. All in town. Crafting the material. One year, clubs. Okay. One year, theaters. Film a special. I did not know that.

I did not know that. Jesselneck is one of the hardest workers and one of the most clever writers in the business. Yeah, he's very sharp. Very clever. And his jokes are one of those jokes where you hear it and you go, Dah! Yeah. This is like a pause where you're like, God, that's a good point.

Well, because you don't see it coming, too. Yes. Which is a real talent. Yes. And he goes dark. Oh, he gets darker. And there's only so many people that can get away with dark. Oh, he gets dark. There's, you know, only so many people

that can get away with that. Oh, he can get away with it. Where you're like, whew, you did that. Yeah, but he's confident and, you know, it's also just, it's so well done.

Yeah. It's like, if you're going to drive fast, you better be really good at driving. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, if you're going to

do dark comedy, you better be really good at crafting jokes. And you got to go all in. Yeah. You can't just dip a toe in it. Dip a toe in the dark. No, he's fucking cliff diving. He makes me laugh, though.

Like, there was a, like a LA Times, I don't know what it was, they were interviewing, like, Sebastian Maniscalco, and they came to the store to interview him, and they said that Jessalyn came in the room to interview him, and they said that Jeselnik came in the room where he was being interviewed and just sat and stared at him to purposely make him uncomfortable. I thought that was so funny. That sounds like Jeselnik. And then he finally got to Sebastian, and he's like, okay, can you get out of here?

He's another guy, Sebastian is. He's hugely successful successful but really humble. Never changed at all. Yeah. Just happy and grateful. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's the cool thing about comedy right now.

I mean, you've seen so many different iterations of it, but, like, dudes are selling out arenas. I mean, you, too. It's, like, comedy is, like, as big as rock guys, you know? It used to be the opposite. It was always the rock guys were like here and the comics wanted to be them. And now all these guys are like killing it. Yeah, well, the difference is the rock guys have a fucking band and they have to get along with the band. I bring different opening acts all the time.

I don't want anybody to get annoying. I mix it up. And we don't have to bring shit with us. I don't want anybody to get annoying I mix it up And we don't have to bring shit with us I don't have to bring drums I'm gonna plug in an amp And hear the feedback You don't do a tour bus right? No, what am I, Burt Kreischer?

That fucking dipshit He's got his name on the side of it I love him to death, he's one of my best friends But what the fuck Burt I love him to death. He's one of my best friends. But what the fuck, Burt? I love Burt. But that is- What the fuck? His big picture of his face all over his bus.

It's me! I'm corner two! He and Joe Coy always mess with each other. Joe's all showing his plane and Burt's showing his tour bus. Does Joe Coy have a plane with his face on it? Not with his face on it. They're showing off their... Lows of transportation.

And I'm all like, I hope I get upgraded on American this weekend. Yeah, look at that bus. Get the fuck out of here. Look at those beautiful boobs. Body shot world tour. Look, he's got his fucking podcast. You're just begging to get stalked. Yeah, but I mean, it is a walk...

That's what he wants, though. It's a rolling. But I mean, that is, it is a walk. That's what he wants though. It's a rolling advertisement. I mean, I guess it's also annoying. All of us, all of his friends are like, what are you doing, man? But he's, but he's been that guy. Yes. Forever where he's just like, hey, I'm going to a bar after the show. Let's go.

Like, I don't think he cares. He's drunk. Yeah. Why would he care? He's drunk. And in college, what he cares like he's drunk yeah why would he care he's drunk and in college what he was like uh the dude the party guy he was the inspiration for that movie with ryan reynolds van wilder van wilder yeah he was the inspiration i know yeah it's crazy like isn't that fucking nuts that's how so a guy like a guy like where god I love him to the death. He would have a bus with his face on it. Of course he would. Of course he would.

But, yeah. He's so silly. It works. It's also, he's so grateful because he had this travel channel show. And all of us, Burt was out there traveling and he's doing these shows and he's gone for months and months at a time and all of us, like Bill talked to him about it,

I talked to him about it. I remember I called him once and he was drunk on a motorcycle in Vietnam. Yeah, he told me that story. He said you were a big reason why he was like, I gotta stop doing this and get back to stand up.

Yeah, I'm like, dude, you're a great comic. You're a funny guy. And that'll go away. And you'll be at the beck and call of these people on the Travel Channel who want to censor you. I mean, everything has to be squeaky clean down the middle. I was friends with Bourdain, and he had real problems with the Travel Channel. At the time, I think they were owned by very religious people.

Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, there was a lot of weird shit. So they wanted, he couldn't talk about things. Bert's a fucking savage. He's a drunk savage. And he's out there, you know, I mean, he enjoyed being employed on television. Right. It was all good.

It wasn't a bad thing. It was a great job. I'm sure he loved the job. But I equated it. I had experience doing Fear Factor. So for me, it was like kind of the same thing. But at least Fear Factor, I was in town. Yeah.

And I could do the store at night. But I was telling him, like, listen, man, you won't be happy unless you have a career as a stand-up. You're always going to wonder. You're always going to see these guys. But you're going to drive by the improv, see these guys headlining. It could be me. I could be up there having a great time.

And look at the level he's at now. That wouldn't have happened. He's crushing it. He's selling out fucking theaters everywhere. Everywhere. It's a direct result of him deciding to take that chance and that's a hard chance to take when you have a family.

I'll tell you that's one of the hardest things in this business is betting on yourself. Yeah. Because it's so hard to get stability in this business. So when you get a taste of it, you're like, oh, I can't. I don't want to mess this up. Yes. But you don't realize that the risk is greater.

You might fail, but the risk is if it works, it works like five times. The reward is way greater. Yes, exactly. But that's a hard leap for a lot of people to take. It is. It's one of the reasons why I have so many jobs. I don't want anybody to have any power over me. Yeah.

I have a good philosophy on how I do my thing. I just want to do my best and have fun. And the more people that are in your ear talking to you about stuff and telling you what to do and what want to do my best And have fun And the more people that are in your ear Talking to you about stuff And telling you what to do and what not to do And what you can get away with and not get away with The more you're fucked It's like you're never going to find your best voice

You're just not going to Because you're not being you at the end of the day You're compromising yourself for some company Or you're compromising yourself Because you want to get hired for the next job after this job is over. But when you don't have a job and you're just, you're just, you're just an artist. Right. Then you just get to create the best comedy you can create.

And the podcast thing just sort of like became like a support. It started off just for fun. Yeah. And then it became like a support mechanism. And then it became this, what it is now, which is just bizarre. Which, how long ago was it that it started? 10 years. 10 years, yeah.

Oh. So it was like at the forefront of it. Yeah, I started after I got booted from the store. Yeah. Yeah, I started two years later. You're like, find your own outlet. Well, it was that. I was also depressed.

I had just come back from that. I was also depressed. I had just come back from Colorado. I was trying to move to Colorado. But then my wife got pregnant when we were in the mountains. And we got a house in the mountains, like 8,500 feet above sea level, like way up there. Like to live? I wanted to live up there. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I just, I was tired of like, for me, it was like big crowds, like all these big crowds. And what would be like the perfect antidote to big crowds? No one. Right. I just, I was tired of like, for me it was like big crowds, like all these big crowds and what would be like the perfect antidote to big crowds? No one. Right. Just peace. So that was like, so when you are, when a woman gets pregnant at very high altitude, it's actually kind of dangerous.

Oh really? Yeah. Especially if you're not acclimated. Yeah. Denver, which is only 5,500 feet, has a very high number of premature births. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, because of that, because of the altitude. It's just, you know, there's no fucking air up there.

People are not supposed to live up there probably. I mean, babies need oxygen. So we moved back, and when we moved back, I was like, all right. I was like, I got to do something different. And so me and Red Band started doing just with a laptop answering questions. Yeah. Just like doing a live stream and answering questions to knuckleheads, like 200 people. Yeah.

You know? That's how it started. Like you put it up on your own website? Put it up on Ustream at first. Okay. And then after a few months, we decided to start uploading it to iTunes as an audio version of it. Yeah. And then it became what it is now.

That's awesome. It's very strange. Yeah. But that also helps me to not have a job. Right. You know? It's like I don't have to think. Well, now you are not making decisions out of fear.

Exactly. Yeah. And that's where people really get bit in the ass. Yes. Everyone's making decisions out of fear. But it's hard. It's hard to take that fucking leap. You know? Yeah. It's hard it's it's dangerous it's a dangerous leap to bet on yourself absolutely yeah when you when did you first like realize like fully you're making a living doing

stand-up when did you when did you go like i don't need anything else um i mean i would i like I said, I started touring in 2010, but it was like to, you know, small clubs and... Were you middling? Yeah. No, I never middled. I went straight from the store to headlining. Really? Yeah, it was a weird journey. That's crazy.

I wish I had middled. How the fuck did you do that? Last time I went standing. And Chelsea, they came back to back. Wow. Yeah. And so, because I had been at the store for three years just honing my material, and I was doing sets all the time.

I was doing shows constantly around town. Last Comic Standing launched a lot of people, right? Eliza. Yeah. Who else? Felipe, you. Was Alonzo? Did Alonzo get launched from Last Comic Standing?

Yeah, he's done so many things. Him and Kathleen Madigan. They did it early on. Ralphie, for sure. Ralphie, yeah. And Gary Goldman. It was early on. But Gary Goldman was on that fucking Dane Cook thing.

That weird HBO thing that they did together. I forgot about that. Yeah, everybody did. Yeah, and so i i wish i had middle because i would have like still this day i'm like god i'm so curious how other people do their shows you know but i just sort of went from zero to 60 like doing the story for three years that's crazy so like headlining and so i just how much time did you have oh my god i probably really 30 minutes and you're headlining i was headlining

but i did a lot because of my improv background with groundlings i did a lot of crowd oh well that's good good for you for taking that chance i was able to kind of trick people so you were three years into your act and you were headlining on the road off of television off of tv that's crazy i but you know i packed a lot into the first three years. Like I was doing, because, you know, a lot of people, you're just trying to find stage time. But somehow I got lucky. I was getting tons of stage time. So for three years, I was doing like six nights, seven nights a week of multiple shows.

Oh, that's awesome. So I was getting lots, I was getting material quickly, I think. A lot of reps. A lot of reps, yeah. I did the show for Adam Barnhart for a year every Sunday night. He would give me 10 minutes. And brand new comic, you know, that's huge when you're a brand new comic. So I was building material quickly.

But, like, for as far as, like, a good set, it was, like, 30 minutes. But then I would do the crowd work and and I would sprinkle it in and so it would you know turn out to be a decent 45 minute show and then uh I just kept doing that and then uh I was on Chelsea for four years I left Chelsea to do acting and then the stand-up took a little bit of a dip but then I did my half hour for Netflix it came back up again and I was doing well at clubs the last couple years. And then my Netflix special, Sweet and Salty, just came out. And this is my first theater tour, and it's been selling well.

How did it? So now I feel, I guess to answer your question, right now. Right now. 13 years in. 13 years in. Because in stand-up, 13 years is like nothing. You know what I mean? Listen, 13 years to get into a theater tour at 13 years is amazing.

Oh, really? Yeah. That's great. Yeah. I don't know. My timeline is so all over the place that I don't know. That's really good. 13 years I wasn't doing a theater tour.

Yeah. So this is my first one. And, you know, that's the nice thing about the Netflix reach, you know. Does anybody come up to you and go, I love Sirius? Sometimes, thing about the Netflix reach, you know. Does anybody come up to you and go, I love Sirius? Sometimes, yeah, yeah. Really? Yeah.

What do you think, though? Netflix is like 90% of the reach? For the theater tour? Yes. Yeah. The special? Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I've done a lot of acting the last few years. I did the Mindy project for three seasons and some other things a bunch of guest stars moots and movies what kind of contract you guys have for doing that serious thing I think we signed a year contract and then it's kind of like we'll see it a year if everyone's happy I think that's what it is let's talk after the show okay I have some suggestions. Yeah. And then the special, as far as stand-up, I mean, I feel like a lot of people, because they knew me from acting, didn't know I was a stand-up. But stand-up's always been so important to me. And I was always on the road. Even when I was acting, I was constantly headlining.

And I ran into Bill like a year ago on the road, and he was like, what are you doing? I'm like, I've been headlining. He goes, you're headlining? I go, yes. People don't know I've been headlining since 2010. I just don't talk about it. I just do my shows. And now that I had my special come out, it's really great.

It's like I'm doing these cool theaters. We're adding two shows most nights. That's amazing. It's awesome. That's amazing. People have been really lovely. That's awesome. Congratulations. Thank you. That's really cool. I appreciate it. That's fucking awesome. That's amazing. It's awesome. That's amazing. People have been really lovely. That's awesome. Congratulations. Thank you.

That's really cool. I appreciate it. It's different than, like I said, it's a lot of storytelling. Now what do you do in terms of now that your special's out and then you're going to tour again? How much new material? I have about 40 minutes of new material. Oh, that's awesome. I'm still working.

When does your tour start? Saturday. Oh, shit. Grand Rapids. So are you going to throw some of the old bits in there? Mix it up? I'll do a few classics. Yeah, you got it. Some people like that shit.

Nate Bregazzi was like, you should do your new stuff, do as far as you can, and then throw in some classics, because people enjoy that. They liked it from, they want new stuff stuff but then they like certain bits and why not yeah well fans yeah i mean like there's some people that like gaffigan has to do his fucking hot pockets bit or people blow a gasket yeah you know there's uh certain people that like sebastian does a lot of his classic bits when he does the road yeah there's a lot of that yeah so it's you know the challenge as you know is like, now I got to, like, what's my story that I want to tell next? Yes.

What do I want to say? So that's what I'm working on now. Yeah. Well, that's, I mean, that's the beautiful thing about being a writer, right? Do you smoke weed? Here and there. It's not like a regular occurrence. Maybe you should make it regular. Yeah. I will say that I did this weed dinner with Chelsea where we ate like a five course meal

that was all cooked with weed. Oh, great. And I, because I love food, ate every course and like cleaned the plate. I was like high as a kite, but I have never been funnier. And I'm like, why don't I do this more often? Did they give you transportation? Yeah, they did. Oh, I couldn't have.

I could barely walk by the end of the night. Some people go into a fucking K-hole if you give them that much weed. Oh, it was a lot. I think I had like four joints. Wow. It was a lot. Like I was high on noon the next day. But people to this day are like, that weed dinner was the funniest thing I've ever seen.

Well, if everybody's high like that yeah as long as you're in a good place yeah i was in a good place and then at the very end of the night it was all fog like nothing i like i remember sort of getting into the car i don't remember any of the drive and then opening the door to my house and then blank again. It was too much. You made it home. I do remember thinking in my head, like, don't text anyone. Don't because you don't know or don't tweet. You don't know what you're going to say right now.

So I just made myself pass out. That's good. That's perfect. You slid right into home plate. Yeah, that's perfect. I made it. You made it perfect. I nailed the landing. There's not too much. That's perfect. You slid right into home plate. Yeah. That's perfect. I made it. You made it perfect. I nailed the landing.

There's not too much. That's the exact right amount. Like you actually came in perfect. But I think, yeah, because it did sort of open something in my head that let the silliness just run. That's what I'm saying. So I should do a little bit, you know, before I write. You can start right now. Yeah. You can start right now. Want some what I'm saying. So I should do a little bit before I write.

Start right now. Want some right now? Sure. Hey kids. Don't try this at home. We got a speed wheat chest. I'm going to have to go home and write. The new tour is starting.

Yeah, I learned how to. I don't even know. I will tell you this because you were talking about Elon. You're not even sure if he inhaled because I normally just do a little edibles. I don't even know if I know how to smoke it right. I'm like the lamest person. Oh, hush. No, you're not.

Just take a little bit of that. That's a blunt. Tobacco on the outside, weed on the inside. No, you're not. Just take a little bit of that. That's a blunt. Tobacco on the outside, weed on the inside. Shout out to Speedweed. I don't even know if I know how to inhale right. Well, you can figure it out. I'm like Bill Clinton. Well, this isn't like Bill Clinton.

This isn't rocket science. I think... You good? Blow it out? Did you blow it out? Yeah. Let me see. There's nothing in there. Did it go in? Seems blow it out? Yeah. Let me see. There's nothing in there.

Did it go in? Seems like it did. I think it went in. All right, let's hold on to that. You're like, don't do anymore. Let's see how that works. I like gulped that. I was talking to Chappelle Lacey.

You know Chappelle? Yeah. The dude who's like an unbelievable athlete. He was a cheerleading champion. Oh, really? Like level six world champion cheerleader, and he's built like a tank. I don't know him. He is – he's really funny, but he's funny.

Like he's never smoked weed. He's like, I think maybe I want to try it. And I was like, listen, if you try it, try it with a friend and try a tiny bit. Try it with a friend who smokes weed. I just want you to go like this. A little puff. That's it. I was like, listen, if you try it, try it with a friend and try a tiny bit. Try it with a friend who smokes weed. I just want you to go like this. That's it. Hold on to it. That's it. Don't go crazy because I don't want you to have a bad experience.

You're supposed to hold it in your mouth? I mean, inhale it. It goes all the way in your lungs. I'm pretty sure it's in my lungs. Do you feel any different? Not yet. I do. You do? Immediately? Immediately, yeah. I feel like, woo. Ele you feel any different? Do you feel any different? Not yet. I do. You do? Yeah. Immediately? Immediately, yeah. I feel like, woo, elevated.

Nothing? No, but I feel like it definitely went down my throat. But did it go all the way in like this? And then all the way out? I don't know. I don't think it did. What if it did and I'm like. You don't need it.

You don't need it. You're good. I'm high on life. I don't want you to freak out. I don't know. did. What if it did and I'm like, give it. You don't need it. You don't need it. You're good. I'm high on life. I don't want you to freak out. I don't know. Some people freak out. I won't freak out. We've had people freak out. Who's the biggest freak out we've ever had in here?

Hi. We've had a few. Like where they just start acting way different? Sturgill Simpson told me. He's not used to. He lives. I love Sturgill Simpson. Yeah, he lives outside of Nashville. That weed they have is, I don't know, it's not good.

The stuff out here is like beyond, beyond, right? Yeah, so we got barbecued before the podcast because I know he loves weed. Yeah. And he goes, dude, that podcast started, I didn't know where the fuck I was. I didn't know what you were saying. You probably didn't remember anything. I was sitting there like locked in. And then all of a sudden, it's live too.

That was the other thing. Back then we did it live. Yeah. Which freaked a lot of people out. Just the live aspect of it. Yeah, because they weren't sure what they would say. There was like a tension to it. There was a tension to the fact that all these eyeballs were on you right now, currently.

Right. For some strange reason. Could you tell that he was like, freaking out? I was high as fuck too. Oh, you were? I don't know. I mean, I'm not immune to it. The only person that ever gets me scared is Joey.

Oh, because he just- He goes so deep. Yeah. He goes so deep, it doesn't even make sense. He'll throw down four stars of death. Those are 250 milligrams each. And'll throw down four stars of death. Those are 250 milligrams each. And he does it in front of you and he's laughing.

That's crazy. I'm here to see the devil, Joe Rogan. He's always trying to see the devil. He gave me some pills to give to my lady. Oh my God, the pills are dangerous. But I was like, I said, I don't know if you should take these. No, he gave one to Tom Segura. Tom Segura has a bit about it. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I don't want to give her the pills. I said, I don't know if you should take these. No, he gave one to Tom Segura. Tom Segura has a bit about it.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, I don't want to give away the bit. Yeah. I can't give any information. Oh, it's in the new special? No, no, no. It's a new one that he's working on. Yeah, gotcha, gotcha. It's a post-special because it's a recent occurrence.

Yeah. Joey dosed him. Well, he tried. I did Joey's podcast a while ago. He tried to get you? He tried to get me. I was like, I don't know about this. Oh, he's fucked some people's lives up.

For real? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, legitimately. Because they go so... Look, this is something... I had a guy on the podcast, Alex Berenstein? What was it? Berenstein. Berenstein. He wrote a book, and I had him on with a doctor who's a cannabis

enthusiast. This guy, Dr. Mike Hart from Canada. And one of the things that they talked about is how marijuana to some people can potentially induce schizophrenia. Oh, that's for real? For real, yeah, I think it's for real. Yeah.

And. So some people are, so you think that happened to some of the people. Joey. You'd have to ask Joe. Oh, OK. I'll tell you off air. OK.

For sure. I think it can do that. And for sure. I think I know people that have done that and have lost their fucking minds. Dang. Because it's an alteration of reality. But is it that star death stuff you're talking about? Yes.

Yeah. Those and the Chibichus that are even more strong. Chibichus. Those and there's Chiba Chews that are even more strong. Chiba Chews that are 500 milligrams. Savages. I don't think it's legal anymore. I think once they went full legal, is that the case, Jamie? It's like 10 milligrams each now? I think it's like 100 milligram per thing.

Per container, right. So if you get gummy bears, you'll have 10 that are 10 milligrams. And that's 100. Okay. So you'd have to take two and a half bottles to equal one of the old ones. Oh, my God. First of all, this is my... I had a whole bit about this. These fucking things aren't...

They're not making these things in a lab right next door to a place where they're making microchips. Right. There's some dude. Some dude is fucking cooking this shit up in some bullshit commercial kitchen that he got his friends to chip in money for. I mean, who knows who's making these things? I mean, I'm sure a lot of them are being made by giant businesses now. It's a legit thing now.

Yeah. But back in the day, especially, like right now I can't really speak of it. I'll be ignorant. I'm just joking around. But back in the day when you would first get edibles, you had no idea. I'm sure there's some testing methods. I'm just fucking around. If you're a grower, you're like, bro, let me educate you.

I'm sure. But back in the day. The only ones that ever worked on me, I would just fall asleep. I found out it was like a grandma making them in her house because she liked them. And then she would sell her leftovers to this one particular dispensary. But then they went away. I could never get them again. Yeah.

Oh, I would trust the grandma. It's the edibles. But the Star of Death one, it's $2.50. Is that what you said? Each one? Yes, that's an insane amount. $1,000? No.

Wait, I know, but he would take four, right? Joey takes four of them. Yeah. Oh, easy. Easy. He can do $1,000. Dang. He can do $2,000. That's crazy. Joey can just. Easy. He can do 1,000. He can do 2,000.

That's crazy. Joey can just eat it. It freaks him out, and then he throws two more down. I'm not kidding. Does he do it on a regular basis? Yes. We landed somewhere. He's like, I almost had a fucking panic attack.

I was like, oh my god, I was so high. He goes, I'm taking two more. Fuck it. He throws two more down and goes out. He was so pumped about those pills that he gave me. I was like, you're just wasting it on me. I don't know. I can't do this.

He's my favorite person. I just don't know anybody like him. I love Josh Wolf's old stories about them coming up together. Just Seattle, I think. He's just a genuine human. Yeah. So funny. i like him a lot but the the thing is this uh baronson guy alex uh baronson who wrote this book had a really good point is that um we think it's fine because it's fine for you but that doesn't seem to be the case for everybody everybody has a different point they can go to.

I think people have different brain chemistry, right? Right. I think that's one of the reasons why some people have depression running their family, and we could all say, oh, hey, you just got to suck it up. Yeah. I don't know if that's true. Because we're built in a way where we can suck it up. That's true, but also it's like I don't know how your brain is working.

Right. It's just guesswork, right? There's no thing – like I could take your temperature, right? And if your temperature is like 96, whatever the fuck it is, it's hot. What's hot? 90 – What is it normally? 98.5 is normal, right?

98.6, yeah. And then – so 99.5 and 100 is higher. Yeah, we start getting pretty warm. That's weird. Why the – how come the float tank, they want it to be 94? 94 is like the sweet spot. They say that's the surface of your skin? Yeah, as I said, your internal temperature is 98.6, but when you get to the outside,

it's not probably the exact same. I don't know. I'm not a doctor. Yeah, I'm not a doctor either. But my point is you can measure that. Right. But you can't measure how a person feels. No.

You know what I mean? It's like, so we could assume, oh, they just got to get their shit together. But it could be a thing like a thyroid issue. Right. Or it could be a thing like a, like some people are born with bad vision. Right. Why wouldn't we assume that that would be the case with mood too? Yeah.

Right? Of course. It's got to be. Like some people are born having less happiness. Like there's less of a feeling of joy like maybe an overwhelming sense of gloom just genetically just yeah i know yeah you have we all know people who just always been kind of like down right now if you give certain people like that some medication it can help them right and i think it's a leveling thing right it levels certain things out i mean

it's not an exact science right right there're always trying to find things that work for you. But they can help you. If people are in a situation where, I know people that have been really suicidal and they got on some stuff and it helped them a lot and then they slowly weaned themselves off of it after they had improved their lives

and they found they didn't need it anymore. Yeah, because it dulls other things. Some of that stuff, you know. Yes, it's tricky. You're Some of that stuff, you know? Yes, yes. It's tricky. You're messing with brain chemistry. You know, like hopefully it works. Right.

But the goal is to get you feeling better than you feel, right? Yeah. But I feel like since some people need that and some people don't, it just makes sense that some people would interact with everything differently than you would. Whether it's alcohol or drugs or cocaine or amphetamines. There's some people that get a taste of amphetamines and they can't get enough. Yeah. And then other people don't want to have nothing to do with that shit. They're like, get that crazy fucking sauce away from me.

I don't want to be running around like a maniac. I'd barely take like an Advil. That stuff. Yeah. But I wonder what it is about weed that can open some other portal to, like you said, the schizophrenia thing for some people. Again, obviously I'm an idiot and I don't know anything about what I'm talking about. But I would imagine that what's going on is that some people have a tendency to lean towards mental illness anyway. Maybe they're struggling a bit. And then something comes along, like a big dose of edibles,

and it just knocks their already shaky cart off the trail. They just can't do it. It's just too much. It's a blowout event that their brain wasn't ready for. Oh, man. That's what I think. And I think there's a bunch of mitigating factors. I would like to know,

when do these people experience these bouts of schizophrenia? Is it directly related to stress? Is it directly, is it just something that's genetically they're predisposed to? Like who knows? But he was saying that there's, it's, it's possible. And we don't, we don't know what the numbers are, but some people might have real mental health episodes because of a high dose of weed. Oh, interesting. Here's the real problem. The problem is because it's been illegal for so long, they haven't funded adequate testing. It wasn't even legal to test on for a long time.

It's like the federal government has to approve whether or not you can test on shit that's Schedule 1. Like if you wanted to do some studies and you wanted to do some studies on cocaine and what it's like when people use cocaine, what's the effect of cocaine? Like you're going to fund cocaine studies. Right. They're like, it's illegal. Why would we want to get to the bottom of what it does to you? What? Cocaine might not be Schedule 1, right? You might be right because it's got medical right right yeah so

what schedule one is all the good stuff it's mushrooms schedule one is mushrooms all the stuff they can get you to see god hallucinogenic stuff yeah that's right yeah is heroin schedule one it is that's interesting because what about morphine because morphine don't they still use that shit in the hospital yeah yes yeah i would say morphine that button is rude the fact they give you the ability to just use yourself up that's so crazy you can just hammer that thing because why would you stop why would you stop especially if you could feel sorry for yourself you're at surgery oh yeah well nobody wants to sit there in pain no fuck that you're like especially when you're sitting there anyway let's go for a ride let's put five quarters into this ride

it's like i don't know i can do that and go okay i don't want to do that ever again but some people can't and i don't think we should should think of that as anything other than a chemical thing. Mm-hmm. Seems like there's going to be behavioral things with people, right? There's some people that are addicted to gambling, right? Right. It's not a chemical thing, but it still kind of is. It's a rush.

Yeah. Yeah. I think all that behavioral shit, it all ties in together. Mm-hmm. It's really interesting. Like dopamine. Yeah. Like spurt.

Well, it's really interesting to think how other people's brains work like we were talking about Elon Musk he's too smart he's too smart like I can't imagine what it would be like

looking through that guy's brain you know his brain works different than mine oh for sure right there's different brains out there and some of them

create wild art right well there's also the middle part the pistons have to shoot you know you have pistons well you know what i mean they have to connect in in the left brain and the right there's the whole light left brain right brain thing you know i've never looked into that sometimes the wires are crossed yeah so that's why some people are better at math. Some people are better at writing.

You know, there's a different part of your brains affect those. That's interesting. I wonder if there's going to be a way to target those. I bet there's going to be a way where they put something on your head and it, you know, because the things they do for PTSD patients, they do this thing where they energize with magnets some crazy magnetic thing and it concentrates on a certain area of your brain where they feel you've been damaged oh yeah

and fighters and some people with injuries CTE injuries from the war they've gone to this it's a base it's near where the bases are down in San Diego. Pretty close. I think maybe

within an hour of San Diego. And they use magnets to stimulate your brain. And so, I'm obviously butchering it, but somehow or another they're helping your brain heal itself.

Right. When I hear something like that, I'm like, okay, what if you just juiced up the right side? Right. What if you just juice it every day? Like, nothing's wrong with it. Like, I suck at writing. Yeah, I'm like, okay, what if you just juiced up the right side? Right. What if you just juice it every day? Like, nothing's wrong with it.

Like, I suck at writing. Yeah, nothing's wrong with it, but I just want you to juice the fuck out of it. I'd like to be able to pass my math test today. Imagine if they came up with a technology. If they can come up with a technology that allows you to help your brain heal. And I know this is stupid, and I know I'm not a biologist. But if they came up with that, and they can help use these super magnets or whatever it is from the outside, you're wearing like a helmet or something and it juices up your

brain and helps your brain heal itself. Right. Why couldn't they make you smarter? I don't know why it stops. Could you fucking imagine if they just started using like really rich people just started wearing those helmets all day and just juicing their brain up all day and their brain just keep getting bigger and their heads start growing? Oh my God. I mean, what if that is the future hot look, right?

Future hot look. Like the hot look used to be like the, the bigger the person, like if a king wasn't fat, he wasn't attractive. Like kings wanted to look fat because that would mean you had all this wealth and all this prosperity. Yeah. And then people got skinny. Like, oh, this means you're fit. This is the ideal. Maybe one day the ideal is going to be a big old head. Big fat head. Big old fucking alien head. You're so smart. You're just juicing your brain up.

I don't even know you could, I don't know much about even repairing your brain. You always heard that once you mess it up, it's messed up. Yeah. I think they're learning. I mean, there's for sure therapies that they're doing, but I think they're learning a bunch of different methods of how to help people heal from certain brain injuries.

Yeah. And this was part of that. It's, I mean, it's really, the brain is such a weird one, right? It's because that's how you interface with the whole world. Their whole body is, like, you know, it affects everything. It affects how you see things's how you interface with the whole world their whole body is like you know it affects everything affects how you see things and you think about things it's where you control all of your emotions it's how you stand up yeah yeah i mean that's who you are and the brain is a strange thing to fuck with yeah you know you're like you're juicing the pump station that's why i'm like if you're riding a motorcycle, put a helmet on.

Yes. You know? Please do. Have you seen the videos when they're doing brain operations and they're like, I think they make the people play a guitar. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's a video of a girl playing the violin during surgery. It's fucking amazing.

I think you lose the ability. Or they're afraid. Yeah. They're afraid they might lose that ability if they're not continuing to do it while that's going on. Jesus Christ, that's nuts. The best is when people wake up from brain surgery and they have this whole other skill. You know, there's like stories of people like suddenly being fluent in Spanish. You're like, what?

Yeah, I've heard that. Or they can play instruments. I've heard that. I mean, I don't know anybody like that, but I hear stories. You know what's funny? That is a really fascinating idea that someone could get a brain injury and come back with some new special skill or a language. You would think I would have looked into that. Yeah.

You would think I would have read about that. I haven't looked into that shit once. Well, I was reading an article about Mary Stinbergen. She's married to Ted Danson. I don't know how to say her last name. Yeah. She had some sort of injuries. She had surgery.

I don't know if it was brain or not. It might have been brain something. She came back and had suddenly the ability to write music. Whoa. And she wrote songs for a soundtrack of a movie that just came out and it was and she never had that oh the stenberg brain became became musical brain became musical after a strange complication from a routine surgery wow all my thoughts became musical oh my god yeah who discovered a new passion for songwriting holy shit yeah that

stuff's trippy that's weird that's what i was saying earlier it's like everybody's brain is just different we all want to hold people like the way they think to a certain standard right they want people to think exactly everybody wants everybody else to think the way they do they want to enforce their ideas and thoughts right we just have to come up with a better way of a better way of expressing that no one has any idea how you see the world right the way we talk to each other we assume that your version of the world is exactly the same as my version of the world that we're coming from the same place. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, but not only are you coming from a different environment, but your brain.

Your brain's different. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Like, the way some people see the world, they just see it different than you. They're looking through a different window. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And you can tell when you're talking to them. We got to be a little bit more. I think we have to be a little bit more understanding of some people like that. That's where all the weirdos. That's where the crazy ones come from. That's why they say that. Oh, that person's wired differently. You don't think Quentin Tarantino's wired differently.

Yeah. Right. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I mean, how are you going to make a movie like Once Upon a Time in Hollywood unless you're wired differently? Right. That you can see this alternative ending to this horrific story. I want to go on a ride through that dude's brain. Yeah, man.

You know? Who knows what's going on there? That guy creates some fucking wild, dark images. Oh, I know. But you know, that guy's brain is is different it's fucking different yeah that's why a lot of this you can do it stuff that you hear like inspirational shit that you hear like you can do anything just set your mind to it but not always not ever and not everybody no not really just like you know well you want to think positive that's always like if you can. Well, you want to think positive.

That's always like if you can think on the positive side. But not everybody can physically do everything. You should definitely think positive in terms of energy, in terms of the way you view people and accept the moments. But you shouldn't think positive in terms of you can do something that's not physically possible. Yeah, you shouldn't jump on a moving vehicle. You shouldn't. Like if I decided at 52 I want to play football in the NFL. Right.

That's not physically possible. That's literally not physically possible. You might be wired different after that. I'd be wired different for sure. I'd be wired up. My career would last 10 seconds if I was lucky, and that would be it. That is just physical reality. It doesn't matter how much positive thinking I do right I'm not winning any sprinting contest I can't dunk there's nothing special happening here you know

like that that's physical reality it doesn't matter how much positive thinking I ever have oh for sure That's where people get weird. That's like when people who don't believe in science, you know, someone gets sick, they go, we'll pray. We'll pray that it will take it away. You go, OK, well, you listen. I'm not knocking praying. Pray all day. But at some point, this person needs medicine.

You know, God invented people. People figured out medicine. God made medicine. Just take the medicine. Yeah. You know, God invented people. People figured out medicine. God made medicine. Just take the medicine. Jesus Christ. Just people that are studying their entire lives to try to figure out how to fix you. They're not always right, but they're right way more than you are.

Or naturopaths or sometimes you just need medicine. I'm sure there's real naturopaths out there. I'm sure there are, but just the term makes me go, what are you doing? Did you go to real school for that naturopath i'm sure is a real thing but for sure also there's a lot of people that are like kind of faking that thing yeah that like they don't telling you how to heal yourself and tell you telling you what herbs to take like hey where's the evidence right there's evidence these herbs

are doing jack shit they're like just drink just drink celery juice. Like homeopathy? That shit's, that's nonsense, right? Isn't it? I don't know. Has that been proved to be nonsense? I don't know much about it. Homeopathic medicines? Right.

There's a certain amount of you just believe in you got some medicine. Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah. Oh, like the placebo effect? Yeah. Yeah. For sure.

There's a certain amount of that. I mean, if you take something that's like sugar pills and you definitely feel like it made a big difference, your illness took a turn for the better. You just immediately start thinking that. Yeah. But we know that's not possible. There's no good quality evidence that homeopathy is an effective treatment for these or any other health conditions. Some practitioners also claim homeopathy can prevent malaria or other diseases. There's no evidence to support this and no scientifically plausible way that homeopathy

can prevent diseases. NHS UK. Yeah. That's those English people, though. They're probably trying to save money on their socialized medicine. Kidding. on their socialized medicine. Kidding.

Yeah, I think if you believe that, you know, eating walnuts is going to make you feel like you have more energy and feel pure, and someone tells you and convinces you, you eat those walnuts, you'll start feeling different. For sure. You'll decide you feel different. And, like, I don't know what percentage of people. You're not going to get the really skeptical people.

Yeah. The real cynical people. But for some some people you give them some sugar pills and it'll work if they really believe it works we don't even know why that is we don't know no one they don't understand the placebo effect yeah i mean it's real it's measurable and i think depending upon um how much you buy into, I bet that has a big impact on the effectiveness of it. Oh, for sure. Because if you buy in 100%, you do, I think, feel that change. But if you're like, yeah, this is not going to do anything.

Yeah. It's not going to be the same. It's almost like some religions are, that's what they are. They're a theological sugar pill. Like some religions are just, if you believe, if you just really believe, you get rewarded. If you really believe, and that's like the, that's the pull of a cult, right? That's how you start any, any wacky cult. Oh, well, yeah.

You gotta really believe. Do you really believe? I believe too. We all believe together. Right. Oh my God, we're so connected. We all believe together. And they're saying they've got the answer.

Oh, you got the answer? Yeah. Well, and that's also how you answer. Oh, you got the answer? Yeah. And that's also how you get people to, you know, the churches that do the tithing. Yes, it's beautiful. 10%, bitch. You've got to give us 10%. That's a good amount of money, isn't it? Man, that's a big chunk of change. That's a good slice of cash.

Yeah. That's a good slice of cash right there. I know Mormons tithe. Is that still a thing in other churches um yeah yeah some some christian uh religions definitely do it yeah yeah tithe 10 man that's a lot of money yeah especially if you're an entertainer and you're giving your agent 10 and your manager 10 yeah it's um I don't know if Jesus would have wanted you to give payments like that.

Yeah. I don't think he would have. See, as Methodists, we just passed the collection plate and, you know, if you put a dollar, how's that different than a 20? You're just like, I gave something, wouldn't Jesus be just happy that I made the effort? Yeah, it's almost like they should just charge a membership fee.

Like, stop fucking around. Like, do you get more prayers if you put in a 20? That's a good question. I don't know. I bet you do. I bet you get preferential treatment. Yeah. Is it like raffle ticket?

Is it like raffle tickets? It's like raffle tickets. Yes. I would like $20 worth of prayers. Well, do you remember when preachers, these late night preachers, they came up with this really dastardly move? And the really dastardly move was to convince poor people to send them all of their money and that God would return it tenfold or twofold or whatever it is. know twofold or whatever it is and they had all these yeah different stories of all these poor gullible people that they were telling i mean i don't know who was doing the the stories where they would tell the success stories right i did this and this happened to me and i made so much

money afterwards and now we have a house we have a car and they get these people convinced if i just send my last remaining imagine targeting people's last remaining dollars. There's a special place in hell. That's it. Some of that televangelist stuff is, you know, really preyed on that, especially back in the day. It was like, like you said, those commercials. Look at what they have because they did this for the church, for us. It's crazy.

Meanwhile, the preachers are flying jets. There was a preacher. I think I heard it on Stern. There was a preacher that told the church flat out, I need another plane. I need you to donate money. You're like, what? That's crazy. A bunch of them have done that.

Yeah. And there was one. It was a woman interviewed this preacher as he was getting into his limo, just getting off his plane. She asked him, is it because you think poor people are demons? Oh, God. He had said something crazy about he doesn't want to fly commercially with all those demons. Oh, my God.

He's like, okay, poor people. Yeah, this is the guy. Oh, man. And he says, don't you say say that don't you say i said that he's like me he got really serious with her pointed in her face it was very scary man that was all the rage uh because i'm from outside of charlotte it was uh tammy faye uh jim baker jim baker just had to be shut down he was selling some fake coronavirus shit He went to prison He's out now

Making things happen He had a fake coronavirus thing That apparently He got busted for They told him to stop selling that Oh man There it is Missouri Attorney General sues Jim Baker Over misleading coronavirus cure claims.

Oh, that just came out. Bro. That's what he looks like now? He looks great. Yeah, he looks great. He's the best he's looked in years. Oh, he was selling it on his website. Totally eliminate it, kills it, deactivates it. That's what it said. I love when guys go to prison for being shady and they're like, not stopping.

Look at that. The product is $125 on the show's website. So he's saying he's got a $125 cure for the coronavirus. It does not exist. That looks like a cleaning product. Oh my God. Is that cleaning product? They're selling him Drano.

Drink Drano. He just took the label off. Just drink this hand sanitizer. When you throw up, that's the demon coming out of you. Oh my gosh. I didn't know he was still wheeling and dealing. Still wheeling and dealing. Is he still preaching?

I think he is. Yeah, I think he has a TV show. He's out there rocking it. Oh, he does. The Jim Baker Show. Kapow. Shout out to the Jim Baker Show. Yeah.

North Carolina. I don't know if he's still in North Carolina. Imagine if he really did have the cure and we were mocking him the whole time. I know. And he's like, you assholes. What if there was like one scientist that lives in the woods and he brought the guy in and the guy had the cure and they figured out it worked. But no one else knew. He can't get fucked over by the FDA.

So he's just going to sell it from his website. He's like, I tried to tell you. I thought I sold it for a deal. What if Jim Baker becomes the king of the world? He's the only one left. Everyone else is like, we don't have the cure. We don't have a vaccine. It's just him and his believers.

Yeah. Right? Damn. We'll find out. Tune in. Tune in, folks. Tune in next week. But I miss Tammy Faye.

Rest in peace. She was a wild one, huh? Anybody that gets their makeup tattooed on. Did she get her tattooed on, the whole deal? I'm pretty sure, yeah. It's a risky move. All that eye makeup. Wow.

You letting somebody drill ink into your eyelids. Woo. I think it's become, more women do it than you think. It's just that they do a lot better job now. They have better tools and techniques. So people get them tattooed on, but you can't tell. I think we're one or two generations from them being able to do whatever the fuck you want. Right.

What do you want your face to look like? Go to like a thing. One or two generations, like 50 years from now. But, you know, like I feel like with that, you know, people can change their face so much already. It takes out some of that. When people fix certain things, they take away what was unique about them. Yeah. You know?

Jennifer Grey. Dirty dancing. Yeah, sometimes people fuck up. Yeah. Yeah. And with your face, you can't really go back. Yeah, it's hard, right? You can't be like.

Lips are real hard. My bad. Yeah, it's hard, right? You can't be like. Lips are real hard. My bad. Yeah. You know, some gals got convinced that they needed to get their lips thicker, and so they had surgeries on them, or had their lips opened up. Yeah. Oh. Yeah.

That's so painful. Yeah. And, you know, you can get scar tissue anytime you have surgeries. You get weird spots. That's why I became a comedian. That's why? You didn't want to get your lips done? Yeah.

Lips are weird, too, if they don't match your face. Yeah. Immediately, you're like, what's happening here? It's just the ratio's off. Yeah. You know? But I think that people thought because they could do it with tits, why can't they do it with lips?

Like, let's keep this party rolling. Let's make everything ridiculous. Like, ridiculous tits. We were like, okay, we're in. I've heard that small boobs are in. They're back. That's the word on the street. I'm off the market, so I haven't been testing it.

That's probably, like, people have trends, right? Yeah. People are, like, getting their implants removed, too. Well, that's good for health reasons. Right. Some people, there's a woman named Kat Zingano, and she fought in the UFC. Now she fights for Bellator. She was one of the top band and weight contenders.

She fought Ronda Rousey for the title. Yeah. She had hers removed, and she detailed it on her Instagram. Oh, wow. Talked about all the negative effects it was having on her health-wise. And now once she got them removed, she felt infinitely better. Well, especially the old implants that were leaking, and a lot of people were getting sick from it. Yeah.

But the problem is apparently it's just like everything else, like stuff we were talking about earlier. Some people have a reaction to it and some people don't. Exactly. Right. For some people, it's like for whatever reason, their body rejects it and it creates like an immunological. What's that word? Immunological.

Is that the word? Immunological. Sounds right. Response by their immune system. It creates inflammation. Some people have real problems with it. Yeah. You know?

Well, the trend right now, small boobs, big butts. Wow. That's what I've heard. Interesting. I'm not on the- Like a track star. Yeah. That's the-

Yeah, pretty much. That makes sense. Uh-huh. We need to streamline. For when our society collapses, we have to go back to living in the forest. Oh, man. Mad Max style. I don't want to live in the forest.

This coronavirus turns out to be just like the flu and everybody just gets the flu. I hope that's the case. But we got to be really prepared for a real one. Right. Really prepared for like a plague. Yeah. Well, because you're seeing how fast this is spreading. Not just that, but how underprepared we are.

Right. Right? I say we as if I'm out there doing science. We need funding. Well, you got to have tests. We don't have the tests. I think we need to pay way more attention to this shit i think i don't know what i mean i have no idea if they're underfunded or if it's matter of uh

scientific innovation like how much time it takes to figure out a new better way to protect from these diseases or if he was talking about some of the existing um vaccines that they you know like that they could have possibly worked on to make a vaccine for a coronavirus they never bothered doing it after SARS right apparently which is another coronavirus type thing like animal to person type thing well there's a lot I think apparently a lot of them are like that including the flu yeah a lot of them are people get it from like pigs. That's the swine flu. Birds, avian flu. It jumps from the animals to us. We get sick as fuck.

Spooky shit. It's really scary because you're already dealing with like life. And then you're like, oh, you need to. A plague is rolling through the land. Yeah. You keep hearing the words pandemic. And it's also, this is my take on it. The way we look at it, we look at it like it makes sense.

Because we know about colds. We know colds kill people. We know diseases kill people. So it seems to make sense. But if those were demons and not diseases, do you know how terrifying the world would be? If all the people that are dying of diseases were really just dying how terrifying the world would be if like all the people that are dying of diseases were really just dying of demons that would be scary i would buy that 125

dollar thing jim baker was selling but why is why is it less scary to have them die of disease than it is for them to die from demons if they're both just going to kill you hmm why are we you know i'm saying are we? You know what I'm saying? If we just looked at diseases like demons, there's a fucking holy war going on out there. There's a holy war going on out there. The demons are trying to get us. I'd be in trouble. Instead, we're like, oh, no, it's just COVID-19. Stop.

It's a demon. Yeah. You guys are mislabeling these diseases. They're all demons. You're like, can I take vitamin C for that? We should treat health care in this country the same way we would treat fighting demons. Well, how do you even fight demons? Isn't there a path to fight most of those demons?

Like silver bullet, fucking stake through the heart. That's a werewolf. We haven't put enough money into fighting the demons. We've accepted a certain amount of loss of the demons every year. Imagine if that was it. We would be so angry at our leadership. You fuck! You're invading Afghanistan!

You haven't done shit for the demons at home! Everyone's dying! Demons are claiming everyone! How many people die of disease in this country every year? A lot. A lot, right like a lot of young kids and old folks die from the flu that happens in this heart disease like the worst one i'm sure yeah but it's not a disease let's say it's a general like you mean like a contagious i mean like something yeah like you come down with something yeah because cancer is a disease too and a lot of people get

cancer you know if we've thought about all that shit like demons we'd be working harder to fight Like you've calmed down with something. Yeah, right, right. Because cancer is a disease, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And a lot of people get cancer. You know, if we thought about all that shit like demons, we'd be working harder to fight it. I never thought about that. There's a holy war. There's a fucking holy war out there. But how do we fight it? I don't know. It's not a coronavirus.

It's a fucking demon. Yeah. And that's what you got to call it. Maybe it's a bitch-ass demon. It's only going to kill people with lung problems. Right. You know, it's not strong. Like a strong demon. Like the Spanish flu. A shape-shifting demon. Oh, dude. to kill people with lung problems. It's not strong. Like a strong demon.

Spanish flu. Shapeshifting demon. Oh dude. Maybe. A shapeshifter. Outside. Are you watching that show? No but I've heard it's awesome. Very good. I'm deep in. Is there only 10 episodes? It's over. I didn't get to the end.

These good shows do like 8 or 10 episodes. This one could easily make a comeback. Yeah. Yeah, easily. It's really good. It's a really good show. It's just a really well-done horror show.

Really? It's based on a Stephen King book. Oh, that's cool. Did he write it? Did he write? Is it based on a novel or is it something? I know it's his writing. I believe so, yeah.

He does that a lot. He gives his stories out for young directors to make projects with. Oh, that's cool. They nailed it. Yeah. Yeah, it's really cool. HBO. It's really good.

Yeah. But HBO does that thing where they make you fucking wait. Oh, a long time. They make you wait a week. Yeah. What's with the waiting? It feels like forever. Streaming.

Catch up, bitch. Streaming. Catch up, bitch. Streaming. It's only streaming. I know. That's weird. We can't go back to like 8 p.m. here, tune in. I know. Come on.

To wait a week for these shows is so, it feels like a month. Well, they also have to give in to this idea of like this certain window of prime time. A certain window of prime time, which is, you know, whatever the fuck it is. Right. Eight to ten. People want to, whatever the fuck it is. Right. Eight to ten. People want to watch whatever the fuck they want to watch. Yeah. They want to download it for their plane ride.

Netflix just jacked the whole system. I know. It's like there's some gears. Netflix is like. Yeah. Streaming just fucked everything over for these people that want you to tune in. Have you seen this show?

Devs? No, I don't. What is it made by your boy Alex Garland that did Ex Machina. It seems like it. This is just me guessing based off the trailer. It just came out. It looks like it's about the people that make the simulation.

Oh, Jesus. I'm too high for this, Jamie. Jamie, I'm too high for this. I'm too high. It looks really fun. Nick Offerman is the name. Oh, he's a good actor. Looks good.

Just came out. Have you ever contemplated the idea of life as a simulation? No. Have you ever heard of simulation theory? That's what they're talking about. Like there would be a Matrix type thing? Exactly. Yeah.

Exactly. Ooh. Ooh. I don't know about that. Yeah. Exactly. Oh. Oh. I don't know about that. Fucking Elon Musk believes it. Really? Yes. He said if he had one question, what did he say?

He would want to know what's behind the simulation or what's beyond the simulation. You mean like who's controlling it? That was like his one question he would want to have answered. Right. That's on the other side. Yeah. Yeah. Like who's controlling it? That was like his one question he would want to have answered. Right. That's on the other side. Yeah. Yeah. Like who's controlling the simulation? What's beyond the simulation I think was his quote.

Right. So he said that it's possible. And then if you talk to some scientists that have tried to study this, like look at it objectively, they think it's more probable that we are living in a simulation than not yeah but it would be like yeah the question really is what because it can't just exist right right like eventually it's going to be here right this is what we all agree eventually there's going to come a time where if you think about what you can do now have you ever fucked around with one of those likeC Vives? Oh, the... Yeah, Oculus.

Have you done the Oculus thing? The Oculus one is pretty sweet because it's just a headset and it plugs into a laptop or iPad, rather. So the iPad's sitting there plugged in and you step away from it and you're in this fucking world. Yeah, you're in a world. You're in a whole other place. Yeah, you can play all these games.

There's boxing games. There's games with swords and shit and you're sw this fucking world. Yeah, you're in a world. You're in a whole other place. Yeah, you can play all these games. There's boxing games. There's games with swords and shit. And you're swiping at geometric patterns that are flying by you. And you're playing drums on them. And it's so realistic. It's so realistic. And this is at its infancy. We know for sure.

If they keep going with that. Think about what a movie used to look like in 1930. It was so ridiculous. Like, watch King Kong. Special effects are so bad. They're so bad that it's like, for kids today, it's actually funny. I've showed it to my kids and they thought it was funny. Right.

But back then, it was amazing. Yeah. Right? It was like, beyond anything anyone had seen. That's not even 100 years. Right. anything anyone had seen that's not even 100 years right so what we can do now with these HTC Vibes and these Oculus's and all these

these places like Sandbox where you go and play these games and these warehouses with virtual reality this is just the beginning oh yeah 100% this stuff is going to be indistinguishable right there's going to come a time where they can create a digital realm that you can exist in and it's indistinguishable. There's going to come a time where they can create a digital realm

that you can exist in. And it's indistinguishable from this world. That's going to happen. It's going to happen. It's just going to take time. If we don't blow ourselves up, it might take... That's the thing, we got plagues.

Yeah, if we don't get eaten by the demons. Climate stuff. If we don't get attacked by aliens. If we can survive for a certain amount of time in prosperity. When are the aliens coming to get us? I don't think they're going to come get us. Okay. They're probably going to stop us from destroying the world.

I bet they would do that. Yeah. If they were really watching. If I was from another planet, I wouldn't think it would be a good idea to fuck with people. Right. I'd be like, let's just let them sort this out. Hopefully they'll get it right. But I definitely would want to step in before they hit the nukes.

Right. You know? Like, we can't let them nuke the whole planet, these idiots. You know, my God says you guys suck. They get fucking fingers on the nukes. Like Pakistan and India, right? They both have nuclear weapons. And they're right next to

each other well when Trump was fighting with Ken Jeong-un I was like I'm like we're really close California's very close does Pakistan do they have nuclear weapons as well I think so well India for certain has right

they're right next to each other and they hate each other and they get mad and they go they get fucking missiles it's crazy there's like one dude that if he's like really pissed off who's gonna stop him you know pakistan's weapons of mass destruction is one of the nine states to possess nuclear weapons pakistan began development nuclear weapons in january of 1972 under Prime Minister Zulfikar Ali Butoh. Zulfikar. I don't want to say his name. I'm fucking it up.

No disrespect. Who delegated the program. And so everyone, it's just like, what, a gentleman's agreement that they're not going to use these? Zulfikar Ali Butoh. Prime Minister's, isqar Ali Bhutto. Is that it? That's a crazy thing, too. Parts of the world that just have wacky-ass names.

There's a dude who fights in the UFC. He's the UFC lightweight champion, and he's from Dagestan. They have a totally different way of using words over there. Oh, yeah. And their names are crazy. His name is Khabib Nurmagomedov. Like this long. Yeah. It's this powerful Russian-sounding name.

That so identifies you with that part of the world. Oh, yeah. For sure. A name like that. There's a guy, Magomed Sherepov. His name is Zabit Magomed Sherepov. Wow. I fucked it up. Think of that name. Zabit Magomed Sharapov. Wow.

I fucked it up. Think of that name. Zabit Magomed Sharapov. Sharapov. Yeah. Still sounds terrible. Coming out of my mouth, it sounds terrible. Incredible fighter.

And he's from that part of the world, too. Oh, there he is. Magomed Sharapov. Oh, man. Look at that long name. Like, that name shows you that it's that part of the world. It's like, but Mike Jones. Hi, I'm Jim Smith.

That's so American, right? That we have like a boring ass name development program. Well, we got lazy when people came off the boat, right? They're like, oh, that's too long. We're going to cut it. Mike Williams. Hi, nice to meet you, Pete. It's William Snowbovick. Pete Jones.

Pete Jones. Good to see you. Oh, have you met Pete Jones? Which Pete Jones? The Idaho Pete Jones? Don't know, no. You know? Or they would just take your trade.

Oh, you're Shoemaker. Right. There's your name. Craig Shoemaker. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that nuts?

But some parts of the world, they have fucking gallant names. Man. You know, long with the, like, liberal use of Zs. Yeah, but with the like liberal use of Z's. They use a lot of Z's. Yeah, but like some languages though, it's like this huge long name and then it's like a zero with a slash. You're like, that's how they write it. It's like all

this long name can be represented by like a tiny symbol in some languages. Is that true? I don't know. I'm making shit up. I think the weed hit me. Oh, for sure it did. Like a Chinese symbol. Yeah, exactly. Like that.

Imagine having to learn that now at a grown age, as a grown up. Imagine if you had to go learn Mandarin. So hard. Yeah. Fucking really hard. Yeah. You had a brain injury and you just couldn't understand it and you couldn't explain anyone. That's had to have happened. That's had to have happened. That's what you're seeing. Yeah. You had a brain injury and you just couldn't understand it and you couldn't explain to anyone

what the fuck. That's had to have happened. That's what you're seeing. Yeah. Right? Yeah. The crazy thing about Asian characters too, they developed a whole different way

of saying stuff. They developed a way of saying stuff like they can recreate our language inside their language, but they're doing it with these little symbols and they all kind of know what it all means when it's all pushed together like that yeah well we look at it as just like a bunch of lines that we don't understand oh for sure but if you could see it like that would be one of the weirder things about like learning to read it all of a sudden it would look like language right yeah it's no longer just symbols

it's no longer nonsense yeah like look at that and don't they read from certain languages read the other direction right left or imagine if you had to write all that out like good lord like that's and that's perfect yeah that's like beautifully like imagine like you know how bad doctors have prescription handwriting stuff how bad what's the slang of that yeah that's like beautifully yeah like imagine like you know how bad doctors have prescription handwriting stuff how bad what's the slang of that yeah what's like a guy whose handwriting is terrible what's his note look like you know do you have to really understand mandarin to sort through that yeah oh like oh that was supposed to have three dots i've gotten mail like actual mail from friends like a a Christmas card or something like that.

They write something in it. And I'm like, hey, bro, what did you want to say to me? Because I can't read a word of what that scratch was. But they still send it to you. No, that's not real. Oh, look at that. What is that? Well, no one teaches handwriting.

They don't teach handwriting anymore. Oh, my God. But that's how they're doing it in Chinese. That's the Chinese version of it. See what that is? Oh. Oh, Jesus Christ. Imagine what kind of 10th degree black belt in Chinese you'd have to be to even understand what the fuck that is.

That's amazing. Of course, though, it just makes sense. If we were thinking that people have terrible handwriting in English, why wouldn't they have terrible handwriting in Chinese? For sure. Yeah. I mean, that's illegible. Like if you told me that was Chinese, I'm like, bro, that's scribbles. Right? Yeah, it looks like bad cursive. Okay, that kind of looks like Chinese. But wow, look how everything flows.

And it's on top of each other. Oh, it looks like letters that are being attacked by a tornado. Doesn't it? Yeah. It looks like letters that are all being attacked by cartoon tornadoes. And squiggly lines at the bottom. Everything's a tornado attack. It's a complicated language, though.

It's so much more interesting than ours. I'm so bummed out that I'm too stupid to learn it at this day and age. I mean, just to learn Spanish is hard. Spanish is useful, though. There's way more Spanish people over here. Of course there's way more spanish people over here of course way more spanish speaking people but it's uh not near it's uh the beauty of spanish is that things sound like they're spelled the hard part of the english language is so many things are not pronounced how they're spelled yeah so spanish is very literal. Yeah.

And Spanish is all using the same letters that we use. You know, like if you had to learn Russian, like, oof. Yeah. Goddamn. You're jumping to a different system. It's a different alphabet. There's a bunch of those little weird Russian symbols. You're like, what is that? But that must be how a Russian looks at English if they don't speak it.

But the thing is about other countries, a lot of them are bilingual. Oh, yeah. A lot of them. We're way behind with that stuff. Way behind. I lived in Spain for a year, and everybody there spoke two languages. Really? At minimum.

And a lot of them were coming from other countries, and they spoke multiple languages there. and they spoke multiple languages there. I wonder if that's one of the things that makes places like Italy or countries like that a little bit more artistically sophisticated still. Maybe it's the fact that everybody knows more than one language. I wonder if their brains just work a little better

from doing that, processing two languages. Like, think about all the weird like every time i visited italy i'm like how did all this art come out of this one place i know a lot of it they stole from other spots when they were the romans but just the shit that they made for sure in italy it's like this one little country yeah how the fuck did you guys do this they had really good coffee but my argument falls apart under scrutiny because they just spoke italian back then right they didn't speak english back then did they uh i don't think so they probably never made contact with each other like they do now well like even now you're like you'll go to like a gelato shop and the the cashier's like in Italian and English. You're like, you could make a gazillion dollars

being a translator, but they're just like, oh, we all know two languages. That's just how it is. Yeah, some of them are perfect. But it's such a valued skill. And rare. And I don't even think they even know how much they have, like what value they have in them.

I used to know this dude that I used to do Taekwondo with, and he was an international shipment guy. He would get things in other countries and bring them back to America and sell them. And this was like pre-internet, man. I used to deliver pizzas with this dude when he was trying to start his business yeah but anyway he he could learn languages he just had a unique ability to learn languages oh yeah he was really into it and he would like recite things from these languages to you i'm like damn dude that's impressive as fuck he just kept learning he was really into learning languages and then you know you buy and sell things from other countries and he could talk to these people on the phone in like different. Yeah. Well, I think it's like having a musical skill.

I think you hear things like you are just able to translate it better. One of my best friends growing up, he speaks like five languages. I think you just have to be predispositioned to be good at that. You think so? Mm-hmm. Is that what it is? Or is it just you just have to love it? I think it's a combo of, like, you have to love it, you have to practice it, but I do

think certain people have, like, the gift to do it more than others. Mm-hmm. I wonder how many kids become really good singers as adults because they get encouraged to do it as children, and they develop their vocal cords and their ability to project while they're growing. Right. I wonder if it's the same thing. So they train it? Yeah.

Yeah. It's the same thing as like there's certain physical skills like martial arts in particular where they think that the very, very elite cream of the crop, they start really young. Really? And yeah, guys like Floyd Maywe the crop, they start really young. Really? Yeah. Guys like Floyd Mayweather started boxing really, really young. And he's pretty much regarded the best boxer ever. And as he grew up, he grew up like his body was developing while he was boxing. Right.

So it becomes almost like a part of who you are. Your body and your skills become one and the same. Yeah. is almost like a part of who you are. Your body and your skills become one and the same. Yeah. And they think that when you're learning and you're like in your 30s, like say if you were like a pretty athletic person,

you're learning in your 30s, you're always going to have like a giant deficit when you're dealing with a guy like Floyd Mayweather because he's just so clean. It's like in his bones. It's in his DNA. Everything is clean and honed. The pathways are so polished.

And he has so much understanding because he's been doing it his whole life. It's like there's certain things you see almost like you can't catch up. You can't catch up to certain things. If you want to develop those skills to the ultimate peak, for some people it has to be done

while they're growing and evolving, it seems. And I always wondered if that was the case with voices, too. When little kids are singing when they're really young, I wonder if those little kids develop amazing voices because they're strengthening it as they're... I would think so. You would think so, right? Like swimmers.

They start young. Gymnasts. Yeah. Yeah, everybodynasts. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody starts young. Yeah. I mean, it would make sense. I feel like there's a lot of energy involved in singing.

I can't sing, but I feel like there's a lot of projection and energy involved in that. And I would think that if you learn how to do that as you're young, as your body's growing and developing, it'll... I would think so. I would think so. Yeah. Because people get classically trained. They get all these different trainings. Yeah.

But if you started younger, it does seem like you would be at such an advantage. I wonder if that's the case with talking shit, too. You got to learn young. You know, if you don't learn how to talk shit when you're really young, it becomes a real problem as you get older. Yeah. It's hard to learn. problem as you get older. Yeah. It's hard to learn. You're like, oh.

Yeah. It's hard to learn how to talk shit when you're in your 30s and 40s. You at least have to have siblings. Right. I feel like people with siblings are good at talking shit. Or good friends. Right. Good friends that can shit on you.

Yeah. You know? Good friends that can say ridiculous things. You need friends that shit on you. It's not a bad thing to have. Yeah. If it's funny. It's got to, you know. Keep you on your toes You need friends that shit on you. It's not a bad thing to have. Yeah. If it's funny. Keep you on your toes.

If it's fucking good for you. It's good for everybody. Yeah. Look, we're funny. People are funny. Well, I think that's what made me have a thicker skin. I have two older brothers. Yeah, for sure.

So you're just like from day one, you're a piece of shit. But they love you, but they talk to you in a different, you're not coddled, you know, with brothers. They're just like you're a piece of shit but they love they love you but they taught you in a different you're not coddled you know with brothers they're just like toughen up yeah it's a totally different kind of relationship yeah they know you they're they they know the everyday you you know it's um you always find that really tough people the really toughest people a lot of them not all of them but a lot of them they have older brothers that used to beat their ass yeah for sure the best fighters in the ufc have oh sure yeah like i don't fight because why would i fight but if i had to like protect myself right i know that old

school fighting with my brothers would just come out and i would beat somebody up. Because that instinct would come back. That fight or flight. You're like, oh, my brother's about to beat the shit out of me. I better toughen up and fight back. Yeah. Because they didn't care if you were a girl. They didn't give a fuck. There was no

like, oh, you're a girl. You can't hit girls. We'd be like, and I'd be an instigator too i'd be like come on motherfucker i had such a potty mouth at like eight i was like that's all you got fuck you they're like you're eight that's hilarious you like that at eight because i think i had brother because i had brothers wow and how old were your brothers they uh they won the oldest one's seven years older than me and the middle one's three years older than me. Oh my God.

So. That's a lot. Yeah, so like. Three's a lot, seven's ridiculous. Yeah, it's almost like your dad, I'm like, are you my dad? Yeah. Uh, but yeah, like I had, I remember I got sent to the principal's office in like second grade because I gave some of the bird. They're like, how did you learn how to where did

that come from i'm like my brother that's hilarious yeah that makes sense that you that would lead you to comedy they turned into like really good guys but like when they were young i heard stories like when they would walk uh past that was back when people would keep their doors open in our little town everyone would see my brothers coming and would shut their doors. They were like the rugrats of the neighborhood. I just learned to be a little feisty. Do you think that helps you in comedy? It certainly, certainly helps because we all eat shit at some point.

And you just go, all right. I eat shit. Moving on. That's the hardest thing for people to take, right? Yeah. Oftentimes. Well, yeah, it's hard because you're like, it's just you and a microphone. If you're bombing. It's you.

You got to sweat through it. Yeah. And I mean, it certainly helps with like, you know, social media that we talked about is brutal at times. You just are like, ah. You know, it's not fun, but you just kind of shrug it off and go, oh, well, and move on. Yeah, but those bombings are so valuable. Yeah, for sure.

God damn, they're valuable. Failures are so valuable. Like, we look at them like they're really bad and it's terrible. But if you have energy, failures are valuable. Because it makes you realize, I got some correcting to do. I got to figure out what the fuck went wrong. I got to do better. And it re-energizes you.

Yeah, because if people were just laughing, it's not making you get better at that thing. Yeah, you don't sweat it. Sometimes you just sweat it. And it sucks when you're in it. But it does make you, you're you're like oh something's not working here yeah so i try to pretend that i just bombed every day yeah just especially when i'm about to go on stage or writing like i've thought about it that way like pretend like i'm doing a set right after i bombed just you know you know that feeling you get to work right you know

yeah it's a um it's a weird thing we do and it doesn't get any less weird no you keep doing it 20 30 years it's still weird yeah it's weird well i think that's why with the stand-up is a great equalizer these you know huge comics can go for their audiences go kill kill kill but then they got to go back to the comedy club and with that new stuff and start from square one and work it back up so it doesn't matter how big you are everybody's got to go back to the club at some point that's the beauty of it it really is that's the beauty of this era we've all been we've been talking about that a lot lately because it's such a an important point you become a beginner again yeah because. Because you have new shit.

Yeah, and you don't know if it works. And, you know, I was hanging out with Tommy this weekend. Tom Segura was in Vegas. He just happened to be there

doing stand-up the same way, same weekend. I'm there for the UFC. Yeah. So he came to the fights and I came to see his show. Oh,

that's cool. And his show, he's got, you know, his special's just about to come out and he's got all this new shit that he's been working out of the clubs and also it's so fun to see that stage where someone's putting it together yeah you know they got these big laughs and he's got these this part where

they're trying to figure out where this goes and then you can see how much of it is new and how much of it's polished where he's going with it. Yeah. I mean, with someone like Tom who's so seasoned, do you look at stuff and never be like, hey, I have a suggestion? Or you kind of just, you know, do you ever? If I'm really sauce, I mean, we talk about stuff

and he'll give me one too. He'll tell me, you know, like, I like it when you did it this way. For a show you did it this way. We definitely do that to each other. Yeah, that's nice. Especially if you see something glaringly. We ask each other too. Like Bert and I were talking about a new bit that he had where he did it one way during the first show.

And he missed the part of why it got such a big laugh. And we were explaining it. I was like, this is how, because I watched both sets. I was like, this is how I saw the first one. But this is how I saw the second one. You were implying something that's more funny. And he was like, this is how, because I watched both sets, I was like, this is how I saw the first one. But this is how I saw the second one. You were implying something that's more funny. Right. And he was like, oh, right.

Yeah. Okay. So that, yeah. So I need more of a pause there. I was like, exactly. Right. Like, otherwise it seems like it's part of the sentence before it. Yeah.

I love that. I love getting that feedback. Yeah. Oh, it's great getting it too. Yeah. You know, some good comics have given me really good advice. It's cool when you see it through somebody else's eyes yeah for sure because yeah there's so many things you miss

yeah because burt burt was doing that with me he was like oh you said this thing you got to go back to that thing right and explore it you know like you record all your sets uh half of them i need to get better about that sometimes i forget i just i listen to half of them yeah we're even i record i record all of them i listen to half of them that's how i learn how to do it i feel like if i um if i learn that way it seems to me that when i'm doing it it's it's just it's always just trying to do your best. Right. Right? And for me, part of doing my best, I have to hear it.

I got to listen to it. Yeah. And if I felt like something went weird or something was clunky or I tried to do something backwards or try to do the punchline first and just fucking around with a bit, trying to expand on it, I need to hear it. Yeah. I need to hear it. I need to hear it. Yeah, because you can hear it.

As soon as you hear it, you know if it worked. You hear clunkiness. Especially when shit's new it's like oh this is clunky yeah entrance is clunky i don't know how to get there i gotta i gotta make a line it's such a science right it is kind of but it's also like like what's great about joey diaz is that it's an art right there's no science to him right it's feel a plus b doesn't equal yeah it's feel it's just he knows he knows what's funny right it's it's you know but he's like that all the time like listen fortune cut the shit let's cut the shit yeah he just cut the shit and yeah and he's got a lot of opinions and they're funny yeah because I just start with what's funny to me and then expand

from there and hope that other people find it funny if they don't you jump ship try a new bit yeah but when you're doing it you're doing it for a specific reason right you're doing it because you're trying to figure out how to make it work yeah for sure it's a little little science project you're doing you know yeah it's kind of crazy well because you know that certain stories from your life or family or whatever are funny yeah sometimes like we're like but how do i get that across and it not be a you had to be there moment you know i mean like how do you make the audience be there? That's the part for me that's always what I'm aiming for. I don't want them to go away going, oh, I guess you had to be there to find that funny.

I want them to be like, oh, I felt like I was in that moment with you watching it happen. I like that. Yeah. Well, that's just a really good joke, right? I always say that most jokes that you see recorded it's probably 70 as funny as it was if you were there right do you feel like that's accurate for sure yeah because there's a feeling that you get when you're laughing with people there's a communal feeling yeah it's fun about being in the audience yeah it brings it out of you too yeah it's fun yeah it's fucking fun

it's fun part of the fun of what we do is the fact that we do it in front of an audience everybody's jazzing the awful experience everybody's having a good time and the audience can control so much of the mood of the show yes you know for sure for sure when you're live um or you're watching it at home rather you're you're just getting a ghost yeah getting a ghost of that night right you know you're not getting the full juice simulation someone's funny what i'm saying is if someone thinks you're funny from netflix and i'm sure they will you're more funny right on top of that you're more funny on top of that in real life 100 yeah it's just because there's a magic there's a magic with a lot of people you know you watch them live oh my god it's one of the cool

things about what we do is it has to be done live and then it has to it has to be done live. And then it has to, it has to learn, you have to learn how to do it live. Yeah. You got to practice it live. People know what's going on now though. You know, they know you're doing that. Before, like when people would come to see you, they wanted every bit to be, you know, polished and done and ready. But now they know that if you come to the Tuesday night to the comedy store, it's going to be some clunky premises tossed about. You're like, you paid $15 for this ticket.

This is what you're getting. Yeah. Sometimes you have a new idea and you just get it off wrong right out of the gate and you can't recover. Yeah. You can't recover. No. Your set just sucks.

Yeah, for sure. You skid into home plate with one flat tire. You're like looking for that light. You're limping in. Who's next? Yeah. Then Joey comes and murders. How many nights a week are you going up?

I've been doing, hitting different clubs, probably three, two to three a week. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. But I don't go like to the comedy store every week i'll change it up do different shows around town yeah what are the other spots you like to hit uh i do store laugh factory improv i hit up flappers sometimes go not go to flappers is a good place to work out um you ever do the ice house yeah do the ice house love that place um like alt shows largo here and there there's some other like rooms that do like gay shows i'll pop into those

look at how you said that gay shows what's with the hand what's the hand movement i just felt very fabulous talking about the gay shows uh but for me it's always important. It would be easy for me to go to the gay rooms and just do those shows, those audiences. They know my story is similar to their story. They know my thing. For me, as a comic, hitting the store has always got to be part of the routine. Because I want to appeal to the bros, to the straight chicks, to the married couple, to the whoever. I don't want my thing to be for one group of people. I think that attitude is why you're so fucking funny.

I mean, I really do. It's the only way to get better. But you have such a good attitude about it. That's such a professional approach. You're looking at it objectively and you're saying i want to mix it all up i want to do everything well because there'll be times i'm going to the store where i know like i have a new bit i don't know how it's gonna go and i'm like i get anxiety like i know it's gonna be hard but i gotta do it because that's the only way to get better you know and

if i i could just go to this alt room and kill and be like but you walk away going yeah but you're preaching to the choir yeah yeah exactly like what did i what did i accomplish from that right and then so for me the story is always got to be part of my workout because uh you know you see you see the arms crossed and be like, yeah, what do you got? You know, and then you have to slowly see those arms unfold and, you know, win those people over. Good for you. And it doesn't always happen, but it makes you keep at it, you know? That's why things are, you're already 13 years in, you're doing a theater tour.

Well, I'm trying. For real, that attitude really is. You have a very professional attitude about it. Well, I love comedy. I love stand-up. I respect the art form. I know I'm on the newer side of it, even at 13 years. And I just try to find my place in it and you know how to keep getting better at it

well i i really i think that's why you're so good i really do and i'm a fan i think i think you're very very funny i appreciate that i enjoy working with you really same i mean i look up to you so much i mean don't do that you'd just be disappointed as a comic no there's no I mean your storytelling is like unbelievable I think the

one of the I saw you doing that um what what's happened oh Ari Shafir's yeah Ari's show um

this is not happening yeah and you just told like you're just telling a story it's like the fucking funniest thing that was a true story too yeah and you're just like holy it's like a whole other level and it's so the fucking funniest thing that was a true story too yeah and you're just

like holy it's like a whole other level and it's so great to watch oh thank you yeah thank you very much thank you absolutely um tell everybody how to get to you on it's already 3 11 dude we've been doing this for three hours oh my gosh that crazy and i didn't have to pee once you're amazing you didn't even budge i wore a diaper no. No. I did it for you, Joe. Joe, I pissed my pants for you. I'm at Fortune Feimster. Spell that for people. F-E-I-M-S-T-E-R.

Fortune, like the cookie. Yep. That's my Instagram, fortunefeimster.com slash tour. I'm going to tons of cities. My special Sweet and Salty on Netflix and all that good stuff and all that good stuff and she's fucking hilarious go out see her come thank you very much for being here appreciate you this was awesome thank you i enjoyed it bye everybody that was fun that was great thank you