The Joe Rogan Experience - #1446 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: March 24, 2020

Bert Kreischer is a stand-up comedian, actor and podcast host. His new special “Hey Big Boy” is now streaming only on Netflix.

And we're live. Cheers, sir. Cheers, brother. Yeah, while the world is on fire, we might as well get a little fucked up. I've been clean for seven days. No booze. No nothing? No nothing.

You look good. Your face looks good. I know. I'm starting to see a direct difference when I quit drinking. Do you feel trapped by your image, by your party image? I would never have said yes until this week I've exhaled for the first time in a very big way.

Like where I was like, no road. I'm not doing social media. I mean, I'm doing stories and stuff, but I'm not trying to put, like when things shut down, I kind of shut down with America and I was like yesterday man i sat in a hammock sober for like fucking two hours and just relaxed it is nice to be home for

a while it is nice you realize what a beating our lifestyle takes on your body the travel and then if you're boozing too the travel and the boozing together. So we should tell everybody what we learned today. I'm revising my thinking about this virus because of Michael Yeo. Michael Yeo caught it. Michael Yeo is healthy as fuck. He's not any high-risk group. Like, he doesn't have any preexisting conditions. He's in shape.

And he got it, and he got pneumonia, too, and he said it was a double combination, and he thought he was going to die, and he was in the hospital for over a week, and four days ago, he said he thought he was going to die. That's fucking terrifying, because Michael Yeo is healthy. He's not some 80-year-old man. I talked to my friend, Dr. Peter Atiyah. He's a physician, and he gave me some physician That's the guy that swam from Maui Yes, he swam all the islands

He's a fucking straight up savage So his take This is my question to him I said this is crazy shit What is your take on how so many people Experience very few symptoms but others get wrecked And he said I still think most people below 55 sail through it.

I've had two patients get it, shitty cold and loss of a sense of smell and taste, which probably returns soon, but still a small fraction of these folks get hurt. I know a doc taking care of a 28-year-old fitness instructor on a ventilator in New York City today. Why? He said, maybe some genetic predisposition. We know blood types matters. A is the worst. O is the best based on antibodies.

Bam. He said, I'm O positive. Me too. He said, but I don't think that explains more than some of it. Maybe shit like vaping, he said. Still too soon to tell. He is a straight up no nonsense, no bullshit guy. And I listen to everything he says. So when guys like him are concerned, I get concerned.

And he's concerned. This is a weird disease. Another thing that he said, it's weird that it seems that people who spend more time with this get it worse. He's like, it's not like, you know, like doctors in hospitals with prolonged exposure get it really bad. Nurses in hospitals with prolonged exposure seem to get it really bad. Whereas some people get it and they don't get it bad. It's weird. It's a very, very strange disease according to doctors.

And I think we're still trying to figure this out. You know, it's just, wow. It's one of those things where everyone's just sort of absorbing the information as it comes in. And you've got to be open to adjusting your opinions. And my opinions were I really was concerned with old people and I was concerned with sick people. Now, after Michael Yeo, I'm like, okay, this is not that straightforward. There might be some other crazy factors here. Like for some people, yeah, like Idris Elba, who looks fantastic, you know, fine.

But maybe other people are going to have a real hard time with it, like Michael Yeo. Like Michael Yeo's not a sickly guy. He's a big, robust guy. That's a spooky one. Yeah. I mean, your podcast with the- Osterholm? Chicken Little. Like Michael Hill's not a sickly guy. He's a big, robust guy. That's a spooky one. Yeah. I mean, your podcast with the- Osterholm. Chicken Little.

That scared the fuck out of me. Chicken Little. Fucking sitting in the back of my tour bus, and I hear this. I'm like, ah, I've had a few cocktails. I hit a joint. Let's go to bed. Oh, cool. Who's this guy?

Ah, the coronavirus. I wouldn't mind hearing a little bit about that. Holy. First thing I did, I told Jamie, first thing I did, I sat up in bed and I was googling that motherfucker I was like, he wrote a book, didn't he? Fuck that guy. I was so freaked out in that fucking podcast.

What's crazy about Osterholm is he predicted this shit literally specifically as to where it was going to come from. He was very insightful. I didn't mean fuck that guy in a bad way. He was a very insightful dude and it was a great podcast but man it's I'll tell you right now Joe you said you said uh so guys that are overweight that drink a lot that smoke I was talking to you you know that right by the way I thought you were I was I was like I've heard I'm talking to you

I didn't want to say it but I was like, I've heard. I'm talking to you. I didn't want to say it, but I was like, piecing together at all my good friends, who's my one friend who takes care of himself the worst? It's you. It's me. It's you. I quit. Cigars, weed. Beautiful.

Booze. I'm having a drink now, but that's because- You're still okay, man. If you stopped this bus now and got healthy and just drank water, only water for a month, you could pull this shit together. I'm pulling it. Relatively speaking, compared to the fucking savagery you do to your physique, to your body, to your form, to your being by just downing booze constantly, you're great.

Like, most people would be really fucked up if they were in your position. We were marveling when you ran that marathon. Like, this motherfucker parties so hard, and he just ran a marathon. Like, it's crazy. You're a very, like, I hate to use the same word again, but it's the right word, robust. You're a robust guy. And the reason why you're able to endure all those boos is because you're robust. But if you didn't do the boos, man, you'd probably be a stud.

Because whatever the fuck is keeping you going with all this booze, imagine, you're like pouring sugar water into a fucking 68 Charger. Clean that bitch up. Clean that bitch up. Replace the heads. That hemi will purr. You must be. You have to have great genes.

There's no other way. I mean, how old are you now? 47. Yeah, you're 47. And relatively speaking, compared to the fucking savagery you do, boozing. I boozed with you. It's a rough go. It's like smoking weed with Joey Diaz or with Be Real from Cypress Hill.

Just stop. You're not in their league. You don't roll with Hicks and Gracie and expect to tap him. You don't smoke weed with Be Real. I didn't see that. I never see that. And then I took Norman to Europe with me, Mark Norman. And Mark Norman's a boozer.

A man two days in and he tapped out. We got him addicted to Ambien. Mark Norman's a boozer. Yeah. A man two days in and he tapped out. We got him addicted to Ambien. He is the funniest fucking human being. I really love him.

He's a real comic, man. I cherish guys like him. Him, Andrew Schultz. I texted with Schultz this morning. These young guys coming up are everything to me. Chris DiStefano. Young women coming up too. Do you know Chris DiStefano? I do not up, too. Do you know Chris DiStefano? I do not know him well.

Man. I know of him. He's very funny. He makes me giggle hard as fuck. Very funny guy. There's a good crop, a good crop of real comics who honor this thing that we do. It's this weird thing we do. It's like what we're doing is a very strange game of saying funny, silly shit and then trying to make each other laugh.

But understanding what we're doing and don't say, oh, you really mean that or, oh, you can't joke about this. None of those guys will do that because we know the game. The game is to be funny. That's the game. Be funny. And sometimes you say ridiculous shit to be funny. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it falls apart. Sometimes it blows up in your face. And sometimes it say ridiculous shit to be funny. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it falls apart.

Sometimes it blows up in your face. And sometimes it knocks it out of the park. And so you've got to take those risks. And you throw in every now and then. It's the people that are in this thing that understand what we're doing and appreciate that. Those are the most fun people to hang out with because you never have to think about them getting upset at you for saying something or them taking you literally or seriously or them not even taking you seriously but calling you on it. Pretend that they're taking you seriously so that they can virtue signal, which I've seen before, but I've never seen from anybody funny.

No. It's never from anybody funny. It's always from these kind of half-assed, sort of half-cooked versions of a comic. Yeah. It's never been. of half-cooked versions of a comic. Yeah. It's never been.

I was telling, you know, I got into a conversation with Ari about what the parameters of a joke were after the whole Kobe Bryant shit. Yeah. And he said something that made me like fucking stutter step. He was like, you can't say it's not a joke. He kept arguing. You can't say it's not a joke. You can't say it's not a joke. It was a joke, Bert.

It was a joke. And I was just saying to him, you know, Tom and I had said that we didn't think it was funny. We didn't think it was a joke. And then I, and then I wrapped my head around. I remember one time Isla had a dance on fifth grade and they did it on stage. Right. And, uh, and they were saying, you know, just so you know, the parents are gonna be the audience. Boys may dance with boys. Girls may dance with girls. We just want all the parents to know that we're cool with that and make sure everyone's cool with that, you know, like a little preamble.

And I said, yeah, as long as they're white. And, man, some parents got so upset, like really, really upset. Because they don't have any sense of humor. And they go, are you being serious? I go, guys, I'm joking, obviously. I'm a professional comedian. No, I don't want her dancing with girls. I want her dancing with boys. I want her dancing with boys.

And that's what- Did they start laughing at that at least? No, no, no, no. That got him more mad. That got him more mad. It's fucking half of this special is just times I fucking said the worst things to people. Parents are weird, man, because some of them are super cool. And if you get lucky, I know a really nice group of super cool parents of my kids' friends, and it's a pleasure.

Because when we get together, it's fun. I enjoy their company, our kids enjoy each other's company, and we have great times together. I feel so fortunate for the friends that I've acquired this way. You can find cool people that aren't comics. They do exist. You can get lucky. The problem is people that take themselves too seriously or people that are under the iron fist

of office politics and office behavior and business behavior. Those people get, they get consumed because they're there every day. And when you're there, you've got to bullshit every day. You're wearing a tie, you've got slippery bottoms to your shoes, the whole thing is nonsense, right? And you have to speak and behave a certain way, and you can't make jokes about anything.

And sometimes you're working with girls, and you're working with guys, and everybody's flirting with each other. And there's all this crazy office politics because people are trying to move up the ladder. And while they're trying to move up the ladder, they have to make sure they don't say anything that's going to sabotage their career just trying to be funny or just getting a little out of hand at the company Christmas party and getting a couple cocktails in you and ruining your career. These people are always on the edge. They're always suppressed. So when they're around someone who's not, who just cuts loose, they're like, no, no, you stay in line.

No. No jokes. But looking at you, though, they could have thought you were serious. Oh. That's where it's dangerous, because they might not be able to switch gears well. Sometimes people, if they knew you were going to joke around about something, they'd be fine. But then you say something like that, and you're like, oh my god,

is he serious? I have to stand up and denounce racism now. Yeah. Man, that's the craziest part about, especially I've gone through, my oldest my daughter oldest daughter's in ninth tenth grade My youngest is in eighth and those formative like K through five Those that's the fun run of being a parent and fuck cuz you meet a lot of parents that you don't know Yeah, and you say shit and you find out she'll remember one time

We were at drop-off and we found out we got an email about some what's we'll call it and the mom sent it from her work account and it was a fucking porn star and we found out we got an email about some what you would call it and the mom sent it from her work account and it was a fucking porn star and we were like oh and we're in drop off me and a couple dads look at watching her fuck being like take a look at this that's rough yeah that's one thing it's tough to switch gears from a guy or a girl if you're a porn star oh yeah you want to go legit it's a tough it's a tough road. It's a tough road. Man. For whatever reason. It's weird.

It's like if you accidentally did porn, but when you clearly, like Kim Kardashian, it hasn't hurt her at all. Not at all. She essentially did porn. And everybody's like, yeah, but there was no studio attached. It was really independent. She's like the clerks of porn yeah and then this idea that that somehow another magically got online like what happened how did it get there like there's a negotiation

process like but when you see uh like a mainstream porn star that's been in like a tons of movies that very rarely do they make a jump and then just do regular movie like Tracy Lourdes is a bit of an example of an exception yeah but she did some stuff she did a John Waters movie yeah she did some stuff Kim Kardashian's porn wasn't even that good how dare you it wasn't you didn't see her tits really you never saw her pussy mmm like it just was like her sucking his dick that's good enough I don't think you should ask for too much more I don't want she did one movie she did one movie. She did one. Paris Hilton's was better. It's like her first set.

You know, like you realize like you got out of the gate too strong. You didn't have a good closer. She's not like, you know, she's not a world-class professional. I watched Paris Hilton's porn and I was like, I will fuck her with the herpes.

Allegedly. Wow. Just catch her on a good day, right? Yeah. That's what this, when you saw fucking Florida, all those kids going, fuck it, this is my spring break. Those are people that would raw dog it with herpes and not tell you about it. This is about me. This is my vacation.

I'm in this other group chat and these comics are like, these kids are so stupid. How can they be so irresponsible? This and that. And I just type in all caps, they want to fuck. That's what's going on. They don't care. They want to fuck, and they're drunk in Mexico. Like, get out of here.

They want to fuck, or they're in Florida on spring break. That would have been me. They're in Cancun, they're in, you know, there's people in Texas. There was this thing about these Texas kids and they were piled onto this area together. It's like this, I don't know, it looked like some outdoor party area, but they were just stacked in there like sardines and people are like, holy fuck. Like, yeah, yeah, you didn't raise your kids right. Even if you did, even if you did, if they're hanging around with other kids that are fuck-ups, they're going to fuck up. We all did that.

I was involved in a lot of really stupid shit because I was around some kids that were sketchy when I was a kid. You know, especially when I lived in Jamaica Plain. Jamaica Plain was like this area that we only lived there for about maybe less than two years it was like a year and a half and it was like an urban section of uh boston that's since been gentrified apparently apparently it's nice now but back then it was sketchy it was like all kinds of like everyone irish kids italian kids black kids puerto rican kids but no one was getting good parenting everyone's parents smoked. People were drunk. Like they were chaos people.

They were like, it was weird. They were wild people. Like the whole block was filled with wild people. They weren't bad people. There wasn't like a crime infested, dangerous neighborhood, but it was sketchy and everyone was a mess. Everyone on my block, my next door neighbor, we've talked about this before, they were a punk rock band

called Death in the Shopping Mall and they used to play downstairs in the basement. And so they had these thick layers of carpet set up in the basement. So they had carpet all over the door, carpet all over the ceiling. Many, many, many, many, many layers.

And these guys would fucking go off and in there playing guitar and fucking screaming and i was i guess i was 11 no 13 yeah i was 13 years old because it was uh middle it was middle school right before i went to high school so i was 13 years old and uh i was like fascinated because i was just becoming a teenager and living next door to these fucking savages these savages They just were playing crazy fucking loud music and you didn't see punk rock people a lot back then I remember where there was a kid at the bus stop on Dale Mabry and he had a punk rock haircut every morning guard I'm in a school. I will look at him. I'm like here's a mohawk his mom. Let him have a mohawk Well, I went I went from San Francisco to Gainesville, Florida, which was a college town.

You went to Gainesville? Yeah, I was in Gainesville, Florida when I was 11 to 13. You and River Phoenix. And Ted Bundy. That guy, too. Don't get me started on Ted Bundy. So we lived there for a little bit, And that was like just kind of college people. And in the apartments we lived in, just regular folks.

It was nothing crazy. You didn't really see too much craziness as far as crime or sketchy folks. Everyone was pretty normal. Different races, different backgrounds. But, you know, just people, apartment life, you know. But then when we moved to boston man those kids were wild they'd break into fucking warehouse buildings and they were in this they everyone knew how to steal a car they were like 13 they were all smoking everyone was smoking

like i immediately went into this crazy environment of whoa whoa whoa whoa like i was like my dog marshall and like a room full of like rabid german shepherds. I was like, hey, guys, can we talk this out? I'm from an apartment complex. I'm not used to like semi-urban kids. That's an interesting transition as a young child. It was rough, man. It was rough. When I was 10, I moved to a neighborhood where it was very aggressive.

When you were 10, same sort of situation? Yeah, we lived in a real white trash neighborhood, but my dad kind of sheltered me a little bit. And then I moved in with like, and there was all boys, like they were all like a little older than me. And I remember I learned the word faggot real quick. So the first thing I learned, that and how to hold an ice cube in my asshole. Two really important things to have in your life. I remember coming home and being like to my sister, hey, faggot, go get my mom and dad. Like, what the fuck?

That's hilarious. Yeah, you can certainly get ruined by bad kids. And no one knows that more than dads. Like, dads see you hanging around with sketchy kids. They go, hey, I don't like you hanging around with that fucking guy. Like, dads see where that stuff goes. Because sketchy boys commit murder. You know what I'm saying? goes because sketchy boys commit murder. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Like, sketchy boys join gangs. Sketchy boys rob cars and kill people drunk driving and set fires to warehouses. That's what sketchy boys do. Sketchy boys can get you locked up. Like, we did a lot of sketchy shit when I was 13 years old, and I remember thinking, like, wow, these guys have been doing this their whole life and they're 13. Meanwhile, I just sort of stumbled.

I just want to be someone's friend. You know, I'm like, fuck this. That's when I took up fishing. I really got into fishing for real. I go, I got to get the fuck away from these kids. I didn't have your brain. I kind of just picked up with them every time. Man, I did not feel protected when I was young.

And it's one of the reasons why I value community today. When I was young, I felt like really disconnected. My parents split up. And then my mom moved in with my stepdad. And he's a great guy and everything like that. But we moved around a lot. So I was never around kids that I knew for any long period of time. And I never felt like I was safe.

Because I remember kids would always start fights. Like boys, if you move in a new neighborhood, remember kids would always start fights. If you move in a new neighborhood, boys always want to start fights. Especially if girls think you're cute. If girls think you're cute, boys want to fuck you up. When I was 13, I was like, I just got to get the fuck away from these kids.

I found this lake that was near me. I really got into fishing. It was called Jamaica Pond. They would stock it with trout, and there was bass in there, all kinds of fish, man. You could fish there all the time. And I met this whole community of people who fished there. Most, like, older folks that would fish

there. But you learn about fishing. So I fished, like, all the time, man. All the time. That speaks a lot to who you are, because that's not who I am. You just dove in? I remember being totally anti-pot, and then my buddy came and was like,

you want to get high? And I was like, okay, I'm in. And we got high on Sal's dock. Well, I had friends like that too. There was a friend named Vic Dabrowski. I'll never forget. He was the most criminal out of all of our friends. And he was selling weed when we were 13.

Dude was selling weed at 13. Like you just call him. He had the weed and he was just like a dude that like had seen some shit. Like even 13. He wasn't mean or anything like that. He was a nice guy. He'd just come over like, what's up, man? Everything cool?

You guys cool? Yeah. Like he had seen some shit. I wish I had that fucking confidence. I've never been that guy that's been cool at a party. You're better off. You're better off. That guy just doesn't, he's just not as aware. No one should be confident.

You're a jelly bag made out of fucking human skin covering these brittle bones. And there's no roof over your head. You're on a planet. And there's no roof to the planet. So it's just exposed to the universe. And it's a shooting gallery of asteroids out there and the only thing that protects us is the thin layer of gas above our heads you shouldn't be confident you should be exactly how you are you should be exactly how you are you just need better methods of coping than alcohol but the way you are is a

good way to be it's not that confident thing is not good yeah it's it's good if you have specific goals like if you want to be a fighter you kind of have to be confident but then like do you know who rashad evans is of course yeah former light heavyweight champion awesome guy he's a totally different human that was crazy i had him on my podcast and now that he's retired, like when he was a fighter, like you have to kind of be mean. You have to kind of be a specific kind of person. He used to bark like a dog. He was a beach dude.

Well, I think you're thinking of Rampage. You're racist. No, wait. Oh, I know who shot Evans. I know. Yeah, I was thinking of Rampage. You're right. You're right.

You're definitely right. I'm so sorry. Listen, I'm racist. I'm so sorry, guys. They just had a great fight. That's why. Those two are connected because they were both coaches of the Ultimate Fighter in the peak of its popularity. And it was one of the most heated exchanges ever is them standing like an inch away from each other saying, call me a bitch.

And Rashad was like, you a bitch. I remember that. And they were going back and forth to each other. I'm like, oh, my God, these guys are going to throw down on TV. It was very, very tense. And Rashad won that fight. But I'm like, you kind of have to be confident to be that guy back then. To be a light heavyweight champion, to be a guy who knocks out Chuck Liddell with one punch, you have to be that.

But once you're not doing that anymore, look to Rashad. Now Rashad's like this real spiritual guy. He's a vegan. He does psychedelics. And he's really intelligent. It was a pleasure to sit down and talk to him because you see the metamorphosis, the evolution and maturity as a man. He's like a different person now. He's abandoned his own skin, his old skin, I should say, and become a new person, a very different new person, like a really peaceful, really friendly, really nice guy.

He was always a great guy, but he's more at ease now. I think that's what, when you said, when you were talking about me backed into a persona of boozing and whatnot, I don't know if it's that as much, but I had a conversation with Ali Wong, and she said, you tour a lot. And I said, yeah.

In my head, it's this weird thing about, I gotta work. When the special came out, that was so unearthing to not do any press. To do no press. I woke up St. Paddy's Day. Do you know I had that huge St. Paddy's Day thing planned at the store? Yeah. Calling sick to work show.

I had all this press, like, all these marketing ideas. And then it just was like, hey, the world's stopping. And it took a couple days of, like, depression of going like man what am I gonna do about this special I gotta promote it I gotta get out there and then I think it was perspective where I was walking to the garage one night and I was just you know angst I go I should make a video to let everyone know my specials on Netflix you know in my head and then I on, man. There's a lot going on in this world. And my special being watched is not the most important thing. Also, I don't think you have to do much.

I mean, I think having a few conversations like this, people are looking for shit to do right now. They're throttling down the internet. That's what they're really worried about. They're worried about the infrastructure. They're really worried about the power grid. They're really worried about internet. Like, they're already starting to throttle internet because so many people are simultaneously streaming. You got to think of how many people are home right now and how many people, when you leave them home, just watch Netflix.

Dude, me. Staggering. I watched this special with my daughters last night. Just imagine. Oh, no. They saw your bits? They saw. Did they not know the bits before? They didn't know any of them. I don't want to say anything. But the one. They saw your bits? They saw. Did they not know the bits before?

They didn't know any of them. I don't want to say anything, but the one about her having her period? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How rough was that? She was like, poor girl blew out her pussy. Oh, dad, dad, dad. What the dad? The one they reacted to. Yeah, they had me put my dick on Leigh-Anne's shoulder.

There was a lot of them that they were touch and go. But we just watched it quickly, flipped through it, and then watched Big Cats. Big Cats? Or Cat King. Tiger King? What is that? Holy fuck, Joe. What is it? This is talk about faux confidence.

It's on Netflix, and it might be the most amazing show I've ever seen. It's about people who own big cats, like tigers. But the whole thing is about petting cubs. Cub petting. You got to pet them when they're really young, and then they stay cool with you? Oh, no, no, no, no. So these guys make a living off cub petting. So they bring the cubs around.

Everyone wants a cub. And then what happens is the cubs grow up, and then they end up with big fucking cats. Right. And it is. I won't talk to you about it. I'll let you watch it and enjoy it with someone who's, like, once you've seen it, there's no reason for me to tell you about it. It's fucking amazing.

Here's the thing, man. Even if you treat your cat really, really well, you got him in a cage. The cat does not want to be in a fucking cage. No shit. They don't want to be in a cage. We got a code red. Someone ripped off Brenda's arm. It is. Someone ripped off someone's arm? Joe, you gotta watch it. Bro. It is. It's 187 cats on

this Oklahoma property. Oh my god. 150 acres or something like that. Oh my god. Dude, it is. Oh my god. I'm gonna save it for when you watch it. Somebody ripped someone's arm off? Uh-huh. That's what is. Oh my god. I'm going to save it for when you watch it. Somebody ripped someone's arm off? Uh-huh. That's what happens. She went back to work seven days later.

Oh my god. With no arm? Savage, with no fucking arm. So now she has a stump. A little stump. Oh my god. Still working with big cats. That's so crazy.

That is so crazy. Can you imagine if they just started eating part of you and you're like, I still got an old leg. I'd get this part of my foot. The one guy found the job off Craigslist. He's like I never seen anything like this If you had a job like that people are gonna sign up like no matter what it is Oh, yeah, you had a job to go out and castrate wolves. There's gonna be guys that like I think I can do it By the way, we haven't even gotten to the fucking credit This isn't that's not even the crazy part.

When you get into these guys' lifestyles, this guy married one. First of all, he's gay. Doesn't look gay. Married one dude, and then they brought in another dude. They have a thruple. That's not the crazy one. The crazy one's the guy that lives in South Carolina that's got fucking nine wives who he grooms. Joe, this is one.

Really? Look, everyone, my special Hey Big Boys on Netflix, but fucking watch this show first. Wow, that's strong praise. It is. Tiger King. I'm writing that down. I'm putting it on my phone. Me and the girls, me and the girls watched Hey Big Boy, and we fucking, it was funny.

We giggled. We talked through whatever. At the end credits, I put, like, all the stuff that's from, like, put Isla's period party cake. I put the, I put in the credits, I put, like, her test from I put Isla's period party cake, I put the I put in the credits, I put her test, my dad howling like an owl and then Big Cats comes on. Big King? What's it called? Tiger King. Tiger King.

Is that it? And within 15 seconds George and Isla are like, alright, everyone's up we found our show. It's fucking good. It's good. There's something about people and giant, crazy animals, people that want to keep those animals as pets. Like, there's this Russian dude, I think, who has a polar bear, and he swims with the polar bear. Have you ever seen it?

No, no, no. He's in a swimming pool with a polar bear. He's, like, hanging out with the thing and cuddling with it. And I was like, what in the fuck are you doing, man? But you don't identify with that a little bit? Because I do. I definitely do. As a dude with big dogs.

Well, I think it's cool to watch because it's not killing him. It's like, look at it. It's hugging him. It's kissing him. Until it decides not to. Well, I think if you keep bears, I think are a different animal. Because if you keep bears really well fed, they're not just predators. They're omnivores, right?

So if you keep bears really well fed, they're probably pretty chill. And I wonder if bears are like people. I think if you feed people only vegetables, I really believe this, they probably get less aggressive because I think your body probably doesn't think you need to be chasing things and killing things because you're not eating animal protein. So your body's like, oh, we can just relax and stroll and just pick berries and eat grasses and stuff. You know, and I think if you did the same thing to a bear, maybe if you just gave the

bear like apple pies and blueberries and stuff. Look at that bear get out of a pool. Yeah. Bro, he's so big. I mean, here's the problem is I would love one. Yeah, I don't think you're allowed to have one for a real good reason because there's a lot of people that shouldn't have fucking dogs, man. You've seen bad dogs and people have bad dogs.

There's a lot of people that shouldn't have dogs, especially in L.A. Yeah, well, there's a lot of people that don't train their dogs well and their dogs are really aggressive and they jump up on people. Imagine if it was a bear that did that. Just the responsibility. Look at the length of its neck. It's so crazy.

They have such long necks. What it is, it's the animal that it is. It seems ridiculous. You should be able to have that in your backyard. That's a polar bear. I don't know where that guy lives. Where is that?

Does it say? Oh, it's got to be Ohio. Oklahoma. One of those cities. Do you remember the one guy who shot himself and let all the animals out? Yeah, they talk about that on the fucking thing. That's part of the reason that it's illegal to have fucking big cats in Ohio. Because of that guy, yeah.

I'd live in Ohio and raise. I like those Savannah cats Anthony Cumia has. Oh, yeah. Maybe he has Bengals. Yeah, Servals. Yeah, I like those. Isn't that what they're called? Serval cats?

Serval cats. Yeah. Those are apparently never really tame. They're never really tame. Are dogs, though? Well, I think maybe it was John Jones. I think John Jones has a couple of them, but he was feeding them. It was

either John Jones or someone else who had them. I know John has some big cats. I bet he does. Yeah, he's a wild man. I want to party with that guy. No, you don't. Yes, I do. You think you do? I'll party, bro. John Jones goes to the Darklands. That's my new TV show.

Can you out-party me? I just go party with John Jones, John Jones goes to the Dark Lands. That's my new TV show. There's his cat. Can you out-party me? I just go party with John Jones, John Daly. You have one episode, you'd call me up and be like, I quit. I quit my show. I called Netflix. I can't do this anymore. But yeah, so he was feeding it chicken bones. I'm not sure if it was John or someone else, but it's crazy because the cat starts making

these crazy noises. Like while he's like giving it, whoever whoever the guy was it was giving him the chicken bones while he's giving this cat these bones the cat is getting really angry like really like scary like he might just jump on you and bite you like primal shit yeah they're not a regular cat dude like if you give a regular cat a chicken bone they'll be pumped but they're not going to go, wow, crazy cat noises this thing was making. I was like, what? See if you can find serval cat growling while eating. There's one that's viral on TikTok that's in my post all the time.

They feed it every day. I've seen our cat catch rats. Oh, wow. Usually, I mean, I put it on on instagram a bunch but it'll catch rats bring them into the house and then let the rat go which is exactly what i want this cat for and you to watch it hunt a rat is fucking fascinating it is it's built in it's like you can't get that out of that cat's brain ever no built in it's built into the system. Yeah, that comes no matter what the cat's life is like. If you could have a little bait, I had a ragdoll cat and she was just fluffy little ball of

fur and just flopped her back and get pet all the time. And that's all she was interested in until she saw a bird. And then it was was locked in oh locked in and she'd make these noises yeah i have a bit about it in my act oh wait i think i saw you yeah yeah that was my last special i had the whole bit about vegan cats because some lady was mean to me and i went to her page and i looked up hashtag vegan cat i was like holy fuck this is a thing and then i started going down this rabbit hole of of with animals, and cats in particular. Cats are the strangest animal that we keep as pets. And I have two of them.

I love cats. They're sweet. My oldest daughter has them now. My middle daughter is allergic. But when I'm around them, I love them. I love them. But you've got to do weird shit with them. First of all, you've got to castrate the males.

You've got to fix them all. Like my dog Marshall, he's not fixed. He's fine. There's nothing wrong with them. First of all, you gotta castrate the males. You gotta fix them all. My dog Marshall, he's not fixed. He's fine. There's nothing wrong with him. He's not gonna get laid. He's around me all the time, and it does fuck with their energy, and it's irresponsible to have dogs with testicles

and just have them have a bunch of babies, unwanted babies. You're right, absolutely, but the idea that that's the only way it has to be, that the dog has to either be fixed or you're irresponsible and the dog's going to fuck a lot and make babies. No. You can be a responsible dog owner and the dog is not fixed and the dog has more energy.

Like, police dogs, none of them are fixed. It's for a reason. Because when they're fixed, they stop producing testosterone. There's a lot of problems with, we got our dog Priscilla fixed at a young age, a bull mastiff. And we found out later that when you get a dog fixed, a bull mastiff fixed too young, heads up to any bull mastiff owners, it can fuck with their joints. Yeah. Because their body's not done growing. They have to reach physical maturity.

Yeah. They have to reach physical maturity. Yeah. Your body needs the hormones that it was born with. I mean, this is the whole idea behind being you know, like being a young, healthy dog. And then if you trim the dog's balls, you're changing what the dog is. And you can do that. My point was you can do that with dogs or you cannot do that with dogs.

Like you can have dogs that have their testicles. But with cats, you have to do it. If you have a male cat, they're all fixed. Or they will piss all over your fucking house dude it's nasty I had a male cat that was a feral cat that I raised and I had to corral him in the bathroom in order to trap him and bring him to the veterinarian to fix him and while corraling him he pissed on the wall he lifted up his tail and pissed all over the wall. I was like, dude, what the fuck?

And I threw a towel or a bathrobe or something over him, and I scooped him up, and I fought with this cat, fought with him, and stuffed him into a laundry basket and took him to get fixed. You have to get him fixed, man. Fighting a cat is fucking when it shows you just how weak you are. He's so little, too. He wasn't a big cat. And at the time, he wasn't even a year old, you know, because I was getting him fixed.

So I think you get him fixed like seven, eight, nine months, something like that. But he was ready to fuck me up, man. It was hard. So I had to corral him, get him into this fucking laundry basket, bring him to Dr. Craig, who was my veterinarian in Encino before he passed. Rest in peace. He was a great guy. And then when I was bringing him to him,

I'm like, he's in there. Are you guys going to be able to get him out? Do you want me to stay? And they're like, no, I think we're going to be able to handle it. And then afterwards I came by to pick up the cat. He was like, what the fuck? I go, yeah, dude. It's a feral cat. You'll only say yes to getting some kid one time who's like, hey,

can you help me get my cat out of the tree? And I was like, yeah, sure. One time. And then you fight a cat in a tree and you're like fuck this you can't do that cats in a tree man first of all without a ladder you might fall yeah you know and even with a ladder you might fall they might jump on you and bite you and you might freak out and spaz like a cat is freaked out for its life up in the tree and it doesn't know how to get down you know they might they might fucking they might Dude. And they, once they hook onto you, they hook onto you and they just start fucking trying to gut you. Yeah.

My cat that was feral, he was a, he was a trip. I would never have a feral cat again, but I had a Lego crazy connection with him because he was, um, you know, he was a Lego legit wild cat. Like when I first got him, I had to lock myself in a bedroom and hang out with him for a few days. Just, just read books and had a litter box and brought food in there. first got him i had to lock myself in a bedroom and uh hang out with him for a few days just just read books and had a litter box and brought food in there so just me and him hanging out together because he was really little yeah but when i would pet him he would be fine he would purr

like really loud he would be fine but as soon as i put him down he'd hiss at me and run away and trying to climb up the the the curtains he went crazy so i had a spare bedroom in this house i was living in in Encino, and I just set the bedroom up. I set it up for just me and the cat. I'm like, all right, dude, we're going to get to know each other. These are the kind of shit things you do when you're 27. You don't have a girlfriend.

You're like, I'm just going to fucking live with this cat for a while. Just me and this cat are going to hang out. So I just read books for two days, locked in this bedroom with this fucking wild cat, and he would calm down for a little bit, me purr let me pet him and he would purr and I'd let him go and he'd hiss at me and run away this went on for two fucking days and then finally by the end of two days he was pretty chill by the end of two days like this guy just seems to pet me and give me food you know so I could always come up to him and pet him I could always but no one else could no one none of my friends no one could come over and pet that cat.

Just me. I was the only one he had an agreement with. He was super cool with other cats. Like when I brought other cats in, I stayed with him for two days. Then I introduced him to my other cat, Spaz. Spaz was the fluff dog cat. And then they got along instantly. Really?

They were like, yeah. He was like, oh, cats. I can trust cats. And she's like, I don't know any other cats. And they just hung out together. I never met another cat. It was fucking great. It was like Transplanes and Automobiles, one shot candy.

I had this other cat that I had from the time when I was like 25, and that cat was a cunt. And she didn't like anybody but me. She just was a cunty cat. Always was a cunty cat. She was just a weird cat. Some cats are just weird, man. And then my other cat, the fluffball cat, she fucking loved everybody. Everybody that came over, she'd rub on your leg and you'd pet her and she'd purr.

Everybody loved her. You could scoop her up and just start rubbing her belly and she would purr. Anybody could pick her up. But cats, they are their own little thing. Every one of them has got their own little personality. Like Joey Diaz, you talked to him about his cats. At one point in time, I don't know how many he has now, but he had 11 cats. In like a two-bedroom apartment.

And I was like, that is so insane. And they all had personalities, man. Some of them, like he was the only one that could touch. And other ones, you know, they were real friendly with everybody. Cats are a trip, but you have to fix them. That was my point. Like he was the only one that could touch and other ones, you know, they're real friendly with everybody cats are They're a trip, but you have to fix him That was my point is a dogs you can have a dog that has balls and they're great like my dog Marshall He's great. Like he's not aggressive at all and he's three. He's it seems like a fucking cool dog the sweetest He's the sweetest but you can't do that with cats. You have to fix all of them

But you can't do that with cats. You have to fix all of them. They'll piss all over your house. Have you ever seen a male cat that hasn't been fixed that lives on a farm? Bro, they don't even look the same. They have these big heads. They have big pit bull heads. Really? Yes.

Yes. Alley cats that are not fixed or barnyard cats, they're famous for being vicious animals. They're different. They look different. They have their balls. They're thick. They have muscles. Yeah, they have thick heads.

I guess I've only seen female cats and kittens when I think about it. My wife lived on a—her grandmother has a big farm, and there's always cats there, but I think I've only seen the females and the kittens yeah you're probably seeing females kittens and fixed males you see castrated males they they're different they don't pee everywhere and they're more chill dude if you see a fucking barnyard cat with with his balls like those are sketchy animals i don't think i have i remember the back in the day when you'd be like, oh, cat sprayed my car. Like that was, that doesn't happen anymore. But back in Florida, you just leave your windows down.

Cat sprayed my car one time and I was like, fuck. Smells like shit. I spray everywhere. They spray in your house. I would like, I would open up my gym bag. My cat had pissed in my gym bag. Oh, we had dogs that pissed all over shit. I remember one time I was in the car with my girlfriend in college and we had a dog, Thelma, that pissed all over everything. I remember one time I was in the car with my girlfriend in college, and we had a dog, Thelma, that pissed all over everything.

I was with my little sisters in the back, and this girl leans forward, and there's like a brown stain on her back. I go, hey, what's on the back of your shirt? She goes, oh, I must have spilled soda on my shirt. And my little sister is tan at the time. She goes, you drink soda over your shoulder? She was like, huh? And my little sister goes, I think our dog pissed on your shirt. And the girl's like, no, no, that's not.

And Connie's like, no, no, I'm pretty sure I smelled it. And you're like, yeah, she pissed on her fucking shirt. Wow. Dogs will piss on your bed if they're mad at you. Cats will piss on your bed if they're mad at you. Yeah. They'll piss on your pillow. Oh, fuck that.

I was never a cat person. I was always a dog person. Dog and reptiles. I was into reptiles for. I was always a dog person. Dog and reptiles. I was into reptiles for a long time. Yeah, I'm fascinated by animals. I love animals. But for companions, it's hard to beat a dog. So if you could go through with all the dogs you ever owned, right?

Yeah. Reboot one genetically and get that exact same dog back today. Can't do Marshall because Marshall's already here. I had a Mastiff named Johnny Cash. I met Johnny Cash. Yeah, he's the sweetest dog ever. It's the first time I met you. He's the sweetest dog ever.

I loved him. He's a sweetheart. He just, it was real sad watching him age. Because at the end, he couldn't walk. And I used to have to pick him up and bring him in the house to eat. And then I would carry him outside again to see if he had to go to the bathroom. But he was, at a certain point in his life, he really could only lie down. How old did he get?

13, which is very, very old for a mastiff. It was very old for a mastiff. But it was really sad seeing him slip away. It was rough, you know yeah it's uh it's there it's such a short amount of time it really is 13 years priscilla's nine right now and uh i mean it feels like yesterday that we got her we got a new puppy to kind of keep her young yeah this puppy's a cunt oh really oh no so much energy i was going down on Leanne the other day, and the puppy just jumps on the bed. Are we fucking this bitch?

Just starts licking her face. I'm like, God damn it. What a rude dog. Doesn't understand its place. You can't work out in front of this dog. He's like, oh, we're doing jumping jacks, huh? Oh, really? Yeah.

I had a joke. Well, it's a baby. I had a joke that in the old set that it'll probably be retired now that we're not doing Santa for eight weeks. At least eight weeks, man. I mean, how long is it going to be? It's probably going to be several months before. June?

Easily. Could be longer. It could be, you know, maybe they find medication that even though there's not a vaccine, there's some hope for a few different kinds of medication. One of them is a malaria drug. I can't pronounce the name off the top of my head. And there's another one that shows promise as well. And they think that it might be possible that people could catch this, and you would give them the medication, and it would wipe it out.

There was some speculation about Tamiflu, but I don't think there's any conclusive evidence that shows that Tamiflu helps it. But there is some, these anti-malarial medications, I think, that they think has promise. But what concerns me is that it seems to be so different with different people. That's what's weird about this. What's scary right now for everybody is the unknown. We're in the unknown. Now we've never been in this situation before as a culture.

We're on lockdown and the whole world is scared of a disease. Not in our lifetimes. I mean, not since, like, the Spanish flu. And back then, there wasn't as much

transportation. There wasn't as much distribution of information. So people probably weren't as aware as we are now, you know, of all the various cases all around them all the time. Because, you know, we all the various cases all around them all the time, because,

you know, we're hearing about cases in Italy and fucking Australia, everywhere. We're hearing about cases all over the planet. I don't think that was the case back during the Spanish flu days. I think it was probably harder to understand what was happening, right? Because you probably only got the newspaper and the radio back then, and everybody had to huddle around at a certain time. And those are the masters of information. Whatever they said, that was it. But now you get all sorts of conflicting information, even from doctors, man.

I've read doctors that think it's nothing. And then I've read doctors that were terrified. It's like, whoa, this is nuts. And then you look at – I don't know if you've been paying attention to what these senators did. And then, you know, you look at, I don't know if you've been paying attention to what these senators did. There's some senators, they had a behind closed doors meeting about the coronavirus in China and what it could mean to the United States and, you know, the various impacts. And they went out and sold their stock. Immediately.

Dude. But at the same time, they were talking about how under control the government had it and how we're prepared and how it's going to be fine. And meanwhile, they knew. They knew. So they had two faces. They had a public face that they were given to us to try to keep us calm. And then they had a private face, which realized that the stock market was going to take a huge loss. And so they sold everything and made immense profits based on the information that they found out from these closed door meetings about the coronavirus.

How are they supposed to? How is that legal? How are they supposed to handle though, out of like legally, what are they supposed to do? Because that makes it confusing. I don't know what constitutes insider trading. How does that work? Do you understand how that works?

Like if you have information that can allow you to make money, well isn't that like what everyone's trying to do? Like what is the point of playing the stock market if you don't know things? And if you do know things, if you know more because you know the guy who's the president and he tells you something about something they're going to do and you're not supposed to trade then because of that information? Like, alright, okay

I'm sure there's a logic to it. I'm a moron. Don't run it by me. But if that's insider trading, well what is it what the senators do? If they knew that the coronavirus is going to wreck our economy, if they knew that it was coming down like a fucking storm of hail that no one could stop, if they knew, and then they bailed out and made immense profits, that seems so shady. It seems so shady that they didn't advise people. You're supposed to be a leader, right? If you're in a position, an elected representative, you're supposed to be acting in the position of a leader. And if your way to lead is tell people one thing, but act in a

completely different direction, tell people everything's going to be fine, but then start selling your stock at a profit. And you don't tell other people to do it because you're worried that maybe that information is going to cause some ripple effect and it's going to destroy the economy even before the coronavirus hits just out of panic and fear and people going to act wrong but you acted in a different way than the way you were talking you acted like this shit was going to be real you acted like there's going to be a real problem and then the question is like how much of a problem did they think it was going to be maybe they dumped their stock they thought it was going to be a little problem would that be okay well but if they found out it was going to be a huge problem then it's not well that seems weird

to me too like i don't know what should the rules be with information in the stock market the stock market is gross like it's the whole thing's gross like what are we basing our economy on this fucking madness this isn't it's not it's not the way's gross like what are we based on our economy on this fucking madness? This is it's not it's not the way that the 2000 2009 breakdown was 2008 when the stock market crashed it was based on literal numbers and and investments this is based no No, I would actually say that one was more real than this one This is a the stock markets crashed in a way that you're going like it's based on I Mean I I know that it's it's for commercial businesses their loans gonna come up and it's gonna in a way that you're going like, it's based on, I mean, I know that it's for commercial businesses, their loans are going to come up and it's going to be tough for

them. But at some point you're like, I wish you could just put it on freeze and go, hey, let's come back in like two months and let's start where we were. Let's make sure everyone was fed. Like that's. But Bert, this is the ultimate real. Because if it's supposed to be about confidence and things rising and falling, this is like the ultimate expression of that. There's no confidence.

You can't work. Of course it's going to crash. Yeah, you're right. If it doesn't crash here, then it's nonsense. Yeah. Then what's the point? Because there's times where everything's groovy. People are buying like crazy.

Manufacturing is up. Everything's up. Everybody's happy. everything's groovy. People are buying like crazy. Manufacturing is up. Everything's up. Everybody's happy. Consumer satisfaction's up. And people are buying like crazy and there's so many industries that are happening and so many jobs and unemployment's the lowest rate it's ever been ever in the history of people. And then all of a sudden it's not anymore.

Well, of course it's going to crash. So it's going to crash. This is the crash. This is the big one. This is the big one of our lifetime, maybe the biggest one ever, because this shit could go on for a long-ass time. This is scary, too, because you think of all those people, just like who are paycheck to paycheck, you know, with waiting tables or teaching a spin class or whatever it is.

That's where my brain goes is, like, there's got to be a way to fucking help people? Yeah, there does. I mean, that's all I do all day is spend like the other day I hit up McDonald's. I was like, say there's a way to buy a bunch of happy meals I could send to a neighborhood. You could do that with certain restaurants. You could support restaurants. One of my favorite restaurants in Vegas, Guy Tano's is in Henderson. And they used to be in Calabasas.

We used to go to them way back in the day. But they're doing a lot of takeout. And then they're also raising money for their employers, which is very nice. Yeah. And I think the store is doing something like that. We're all going to donate for the waitstaff. Because the waitstaff is completely shit out of luck.

And they were doing good business down there. And so those folks, I'm sure they have bills, like serious fucking bills. And it's just piling up, and there's no business. I mean, they went from having this great place where you can go and you can count on X amount of money per week to all of a sudden gone and no one saw it coming. That's never happened, ever. You can't blame them for not being prepared. But they're part of our comedy family, man. We've got to take care of them, particularly at the store.

We should set up something for the improv, too. And we should also, you know, just figure out a way to, you know, to, like, find out who's hurting, like who's in trouble, especially in our community. Comics that we know. People are too proud. I know. We don't have to find them, though, because there's a lot of comics in our community that are like, they're going check to check, too. Middles, middle acts.

Yeah, headliners. Yeah. There's a lot of headliners, right? Particularly first few year headliners where you're only making X amount per week and you got to pay your own flight and all that jazz. You're getting by, but you're not killing it and then you you probably have a fucking apartment that costs two grand a month or more you know i mean new york city those guys the fucking apartments in new york city are ridiculous they're so expensive so think of all those comics in new york city that

relied on that system of going club to club and picking up a little for people don't know a lot of comedians in New York there's like New York's probably the most condensed comedy club community in the country wouldn't you agree by far yeah like how many clubs you think are in the city I'd say 12 yeah total yeah you counting Dangerfield's never got to perform there I. Never got to perform there. I've always wanted to perform there. It's fucking, Joey did it. Joey was in New York. Joey was in New, that was my spot when I lived in New York, man.

It's amazing how like a comic can think in another comic's level. Because as soon as you said that, my two clubs I thought of, Stand Up New York and Dangerfields, I'm counting those. Yeah, he gotta count those. But Dangerfields is the weirdest one because that was the one where they filmed those HBO specials with Rodney Dangerfield

and it was always empty it was always empty there was never anybody there man except prom season prom season you'd be doing stand up to like 17 year old kids and it was madness it was madness do you ever hear a story, Bill Burr's story about getting heckled at Dangerfield?

No. It's my favorite. I've made Bill tell this a number of times and I've made him tell it on our podcast. My favorite podcast story. You remember Bill when he was younger, right? He was a little more cleaner, a little more like chippier. Hey guys, huh? What's up with those infomercials? I got the pan. Dang, dang, dang, dang, dang.

So, Bill's doing his high energy happy act and it's to a prom crowd and a bunch of fucking bridge and tunnel posse and it's not getting anything. And this guy in the back goes, anything red on stage is a faggot. And Bill goes, I didn't have one pull out. I just went, fuck. God, man. Yeah, that one you got to be prepared for. But yeah, I think about it.

The number one thing this whole thing has done is made me think how much I waste shit. I waste so much shit. Just food, fruit. Like fruit. Bananas are going bad bad just throw them out no no I've been eating them it's waste and health man when I heard you tell that

podcast and I'm so glad to know that you were talking to me because I heard it as if you were talking to me I told Brian Callen I go you ever do a podcast and you think Joe's talking to you and he goes all the fucking time I'm never talking to you Brian Callen never if I'm talking to Brian Callen I'll call him up he said no he said he goes one time Joe

even said my name the one thing that made me feel vulnerable was and you've been saying this and I've always like kind of written you off about it going like well you know whatever you gotta get off that blood pressure medicine the second I heard China's got all our medication, I got one month of blood pressure. I literally thought, man, what am I doing on blood pressure medicine?

Why don't I just get in shape and get healthy and get in control of my weight so I'm not dependent on a pill to come in and then if I don't have it, I have a stroke. You can do it too, Bert. It's not outside of the realm of possibility when you consider how well you're doing while you're boozing as hard as you are. And you always fire up for Sober October. The first year I was worried. I was like, man, I don't know how he's going to do.

And some people were actually telling me, like, hey man, he could die. They're like, when guys drink a lot and then they stop drinking, it's really bad. And apparently that's what killed Amy Winehouse. Everyone kept telling me that. That's what killed Amy Winehouse, you know. Did you know you know that bro it's one thing when you host a podcast and you you have a fucking thousand of them people want to tell you shit that you haven't heard before so one of the things that i people love to tell you is about you could die if you

stop drinking you can die you told me that and you you said to me when we were leaving you were like you gave me a hug and you you don't have to do This man, and I was like I was flipped out I was worried because I was like damn it imagine This is how we kill Bert imagine like trying to get Bert healthy like it turns out to kill him Amy Winehouse style Dude, I love Amy Winehouse. Oh, she was this day I will throw on an album and and listen like rehab or some of her great songs. So she had a Authenticity there's like an authenticity to her voice this unmistakable like looseness to her voice She was wild her Bjork. I used to love Bjork. Yeah Bjork is great too, man

Do she was a different way like I had a like pause like it's totally different kind of sound but yeah but authentic yeah yeah it's so sexy man like bjork was so hot and just doing her own thing like electronic music in this time when it wasn't selling here but it was like you ever hear you ever hear that song uh um it's oh so Quiet by Bjork It's Oh So Quiet It's amazing Did you ever see Bjork fuck up that Yes yes yes She got my respect there This person thought they could just get right in her face with a camera

Just cause she's famous Like with no permits This is not agreed upon You just show up where a person's just at the airport With her kid Bjork was with her kid How do you deal with that I just I most of the time Agreed upon. You just show up where a person's just at the airport. With their kid. Bjork is with their kid. Yeah. How do you deal with that? Most of the time, like if someone wants to be interviewing me when I'm at the airport or somewhere where I'm not, you know, I'm not expecting it.

It's just not smart. That's not – I do this, all right? The way you have conversations should be your thoughts that are going to get viewed by millions of people shouldn't be something that you say when you have your first cup of coffee and maybe you're half on an edible coming off the flight and you're picking up your luggage and you didn't expect to run into TMZ. And they're like, what do you think about the coronavirus? And you're like, stop eating bats, you fucks. And you're like, you don't mean that. You don't mean that. That's not what you, but you're, you know, you're there at fucking LAX at 7.30 in the morning

getting your bags. Yeah. If that's, that's the problem. It's just, it's not smart. And then there was a weird thing that happened during the Roseanne times. And Roseanne was going to do the podcast for the first time, for the second time, rather. And she had that crazy controversy, and they removed her from her show and the whole deal.

Dude, they were showing up at places where we weren't with cameras. They were showing up at the comedy store with cameras trying to capture. Like, oh, you got me on camera. I got to talk to you, I guess. What the news is, if you watch local news, it's a bunch of people pointing cameras at stuff and then loosely applying journalistic ethics to see what they talk about and what they don't and what they feed you over the next half hour. And they want to be number one in the ratings because, you know, like, Channel 7 right now is

kicking our ass and I just really feel like we've got to get on the scene quicker. And it becomes a sport. This is not necessarily the information. There's personalities and jobs are at risk and there's so many factors that are contributing and moving what you

listen to and see in a certain direction. It's not the news. It's a news program. It's their interpretation of what they think is the most important stuff to focus on over the next X amount of minutes. Because life is too fucking nuts. We have access to the whole world. You're going to break the whole world down in 60 minutes?

It's an editing show, right? Because you can't show everything. There's millions of things that are fascinating that are going on right now, positive and negative. So they have to balance it out. What are they going to do? A Calabasas woman found out the hard way. You can't.

And they'll show a puppy peeing on her. Oh, that was great. That was great. Now let's get back to murder and death and fucking thievery. That was great. Now let's get back to murder and death and fucking thievery. I said to someone, I said, do you think that this coronavirus coverage is based on the news, like saying we're taking back the news?

And someone was like, no, man, they've been getting their asses handed to them for so long by Trump that this is where they're making their money back. And then you wonder, like, I like Chris Cuomo. I like him. I actually like him i actually like him i like i watch him did you get upset when he got mad that guy about the fredo thing i got upset for him like i wish i was there i'll go don't say that don't say that don't say that it's not like the n-word don't say that don't say that i understand this guy's a dick and you're letting him know he can't be a dick to you but let's relax it was relaxed it was such it's provoked though and he was trying to get out of it like he got you know it's like it's like

doing jiu-jitsu and you make a terrible mistake and all of a sudden you're trapped in someone's triangle you just gotta tap out you gotta tap out and you gotta live to fight another day you got caught don't get your neck fucked up you know this this guy hurt you. And when he was trying to save ego when the guy called him Fredo. First of all, the guy that called him Fredo is a cunt because that's such a shit move to do. Just as a passerby. They did it to fucking – they did it to George Lopez at a Hooters one time. George Lopez? Who did it to George Lopez?

Someone did it to George – I think it was George Lopez said something like build a wall or something. And they videotape it. They want to go viral. That's what they want. So they call Fredo and they're videotaping it. And they're looking for reactions so they can get views. That's a cunt move. Yeah.

But Fredo made me giggle. It's funny. It's such a funny fucking- It's such a silly thing to say. But to say that that's like the n-word to African Americans dude nobody owned Fredo stop relax he almost made it more enjoyable I was watching that

it did make it more enjoyable it was so ridiculous if you watch Godfather 2 you wouldn't be able to think of anything but Chris Cuomo when you're watching that scene you would think of him I think of I call him Fredo when he comes on the TV I go hell I love Fredo I love comes on the TV. I love Fredo. I love him, though.

I love him. I say it like with a with a with a Fredo. His brother is the governor of New York. They look strikingly alike. Well, they look like brothers. They are. I saw him on TV today. I'm very impressed with how his brother is responding to this, though.

With the I, you know i understand that there was a certain point in time where he wasn't sure whether or not they could really shut down new york but you know now the way he's responding to it that's the way he carries himself he's very uh he's very like he's a no-nonsense person like the way he carries himself yeah you know i like and i don't know if i don't know anything about his politics i don't know anything about what he does but you can sort of at least gather from the way someone handles a crisis, like how they how they carry themselves. You gather whether or not you can trust them if shit gets crazy. And he seems to carry himself very well.

It's like that's very important for just the morale of the nation in a weird way. It's like that's very important for just the morale of the nation in a weird way. That's why a leader is very important because when someone's a real leader and even though there's going to be people that hate them, people that are pissed at everything they do, and that's always going to be the case if you're the leader of the free world, right? But if they can somehow or another shift the way we feel about ourselves, shift the way we feel about our community, Like, pep speeches and a really good presidential address, a really good one just gets into that feel-good spot and brings everybody together. And it really has a tangible effect on reality. It can really affect reality. And that's what people don't understand about why people get upset about people not being able to talk well. It's a big fucking deal.

People are like, why are you joking on Joe Biden? Because it's a big deal. He's in the biggest fucking sweepstakes on earth. Who gets to control all the thermonuclear weapons and the entire economy and everything that gets done inside the United States of America? One guy. Ready? Go. Like, what?

You've got to be able to talk really well if you want that job. Because part of the job is inspiring people. It's one of the things Obama did better than any of them. You know, like you could say what you want about Clinton. He had some good speeches too. I think Obama was even better because he was just measured and intelligent and articulate and strong. There was something about the way he was talking that was confidence inspiring. Whether or not he was right or not, whether or not he made bad decisions, I don't think anybody can do that fucking job.

I don't. I think it's a death sentence. I think it is for all of them. I think they get in there and there's a tornado of things that they have to control, things they have to pay attention to, things they're responsible for. Hundreds of different fucking pieces in motion all over the world. All these pieces in motion, all these pieces. And you're supposed to be the one guy that makes the right decisions

on all of those and chooses the right people for both pandemics and the economy. How about just one? Can you even understand one? Yeah. And then international relations on top of that? Holy fuck. And then you gotta go to North Korea. Now we're in China. It's too many things

to juggle. Bro, it's madness. That's why Reagan, you know, I wonder if it's where we're going back is to a Reagan like a... Did you see Matthew McConaughey's speech? No, I did not. Oh. Is it good? Yeah. Well, it's Matthew McConaughey, right? Like we all bought not. Oh. Is it good? Yeah. Well, it's Matthew McConaughey, right? Like, we all bought into him in the mid-'90s.

Like, this is our dream hunk. He's one of our dream hunks for sure. God, man. He just sits there, and he's just with that Texas drawl about red lights and green lights. Here's a yellow light. Right now, we're going. And it just, I get out, and I got sat up in bed, and I was like, I'm going to go fucking work out, man.

Like that's, this isn't, we can do this. Well, I think for the people like you and I, who you're going to be okay financially, it's not as scary. It's a different thing. But for the people where financially it's going to affect them greatly, there has to be like real big decisions made to help those people. Because this is not, it's not a situation of people not wanting to work. It's a situation of people not being able to work because of an invisible enemy that kills your loved ones. If there's ever a time where the United States has to come together,

this is the time. And I think we're capable of doing that. And I think if we do the right thing and we come out on the other side, I think we're going to be stronger. I think we're going to be stronger in not dismissing the losses and the people that are going to badly miss loved ones. I'm not even trying to diminish that. I'm just trying to say for the people that will survive, we're going to understand what it's like to go through a real adversity together for the first time in a long time as a planet. Not just as the United States, not as Germany, not as Japan, not as Iraq. No, the whole thing together because it's everywhere.

And the whole thing together is a giant problem for everybody that survives. And for everybody that survives, no matter how bad it gets or how good it gets or whether it morphs and changes or whether it doesn't, the people that survive, we have to learn from this. We got to learn. We got to learn in every way. And we got to learn how, and I'm learning. I'm learning right now, my own personal self, like how I'm shifting how I view the world. Like that everything has to go back to me being able to do shows whenever I want and do stand-up whenever I want and travel wherever I want to go and not worry about killer – everything has to go back to that because that's what I'm used to. Well, no. Like just you know history.

You know how the world works. There's countless examples of civilizations that no longer exist. And they got wiped out by plague or natural disasters. We are well aware of this. But yet none of it ever registers. And we never think it applies to us. We never think that this is it. This is the one.

This is the one we've got to really pay attention to. No. Fucking, you see them kicking all the people off the beach? You see, the Malibu, it's Santa Monica, they're like, we're closing the beach, you fucks. This isn't vacation. People are down there just suntanning and hanging out. My girls wanted to go for a hike yesterday and I went, thank all the morons that are

out hiking. The thing is that this required us to act fast and I think the human race is giant, and it's so huge. The number is so spectacular. To get all of us to coordinate together, I think it's like an impossibly long battleship. Think of a battleship that's like 100 times bigger than a regular battleship. Just a battleship. You think, how fast did that thing turn? It's going to be so slow.

I never thought about that. It's fucking huge it's not like one of them speed boats where you can just you know if you're on a battleship that motherfucker is hard to turn and I think the human race is like it's an impossible

to imagine battleship it's like a battleship a hundred thousand times bigger than any other battleship. It's so big, it takes up like one-tenth of the ocean. That's how big this battleship is. And when that motherfucker has to turn, it's like...

It can barely turn. That's us. And I think this thing required us to turn. We ran into like an iceberg. There's a giant thing ahead of us something hit us this change in in a virus that jumped to human beings and we have no immunity for it and that's what it's like it's like like we our battleship does not turn quick enough for this and we didn't have the proper preparation for something like this.

Because we didn't see it, even though we knew it was possible, we didn't see it happening to us. We made some preparations, but I don't know. Did we ever figure out whether or not the government actually did stop this pandemic office and close down this pandemic office? Is that true? No. Remember we were trying to look at that the other day. Digging through that was not fun.

Something was changed. I don't know about closing the thing. It's an interpretation sort of discussion that like, I don't know. Huh? I was, I was trying to dig into like PolitiFact and all sorts of websites that it took too long to find a good answer that was worth sharing. So I'm going with I don't know.

What did you think, though? What did you think when you read it? What were they specifically saying? Definitely there's different people in place. And one of the things I read along the path was that there was a meeting about possible pandemics with a team of people in an office. Those people are no longer there, though. There might be people that have replaced them because of how many people have changed over in the administration. So the people that are in those places now weren't at the meeting, so they never got those notes, basically.

Yeah. I don't know if that's what happened. But that's the same stuff that happened in 9-11. They're like, these were all warned It's interesting to see hindsight really in action Where you're like I have this comedian This very hilarious comedian

Who doesn't do comedy anymore A woman named Andy Smith In fucking early February She sent me a text That I figured she had postpartum depression I was like, oh, she's lost her mind. That's too bad. She was really funny. She had a kid who must be going through a divorce. And it was, hey, I've been translating these Chinese documents. This flu

is going to get a lot worse than anyone thinks. We need to stay home. You need to start spreading the word. You have a podcast. Like, I mean, so you thought she was fucking crazy how many weeks goes I pulled up right now um she just texted me last night um she this was February 15th she wrote hey uh I don't have glasses hey it's me. I've been Googling translating the shit out of this virus situation for weeks. Stop traveling. Tell everyone to stop right now. I know. I know.

I come off. I can't fucking read. I'm out of glasses. Here, look at these bad boys. Here, yeah. Try it. See how blind I am. Wow, we're the same.

But come the fuck off. Are we really going to wait until they tell us to stay off the streets? That's where we are today. That would be too late, right? Honestly, everyone should just call in sick Tuesday. What are they going to do? Suit up, fellas. Come on over and see if I'm lying.

It's genius, really. It's probably the most American-y protest thing ever. Just lazy paid refusal. And probably our last chance to legally shift power back to the people who forcibly be dragging us back in SUVs. Maybe you're already in a safe hillside bunker. I hope so. Sorry for the downer rant.

I'm sending this to all the smart people I know. Four of you. Because all my dumb whore friends have no grasp on strategy or intuition. Fuck. Stay home. Learn to knit. Learn how to knit a face mask I wish we could all stay home and Jump the gun save ourselves, and then I wrote on Fucking the day my special drop no on fucking March a month later. I wrote oh

Shit you were right And then she tested me a bunch of medications to get and I bought them all right and then she texted me a bunch of medications to get and i bought them all dude and by the way not not to discount her she was a fucking tits hilarious comedian why'd you stop doing stand-up she had a baby she got she got a major beef with like schumer and nicky glazer like legit fucking this chick was a little she was she was rough man she was rough but uh cat fight was rough. Cat fight? Hardcore. Oh, and last comic standing, called Adam Hunter a cunt.

She did? Burned it to the ground. Why'd she call Adam Hunter a cunt? Because she just, that's who she is. She's a fucking, man. He's a nice guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy.

Him and her got onto it on screen. Oh, no. Yeah, but she's wild. She's wild, man. She stole Jim Jefferies' sunglasses, like fucking real fucking wild chick. But she sent that to me like that much. A month ago. And I just was like, oh, postpartum.

She's crazy. Poor girl. They're saying the senators, these closed door meetings that they had, this closed door meeting, that was in January. There's a guy named Respectable Lawyer that I follow on Twitter. He's the one who sent it to me. And he had a series of tweets about it, documenting it, laying it out. And you read it, oh my God. It's like, did they really know? Or it's again, it goes back to that thing. Like, they really know? Or it's again, it goes back to that thing. Like, what are you supposed to do? Like, are you allowed to just start talking about that? This is coming. Like if you're a Senator and you find out about something like what, what are your responsibilities? Do they give you a

mandate on what you're allowed to talk about or not allowed to talk about? Like if they sit you down and have some crazy meeting where they tell you the sky's falling, what are you allowed to say? Do they tell you when you're allowed to say it like how does that work black twitter says that this was a distraction because there's a comet hitting us oh jesus yeah our bus driver's black and he was like you know what they want to make life suck right before the fucking big one hits how cunty what my my you know now that i'm thinking about it might not have been peter attia that said that I don't want to attribute this to him. Just in case I'm wrong, that said that people that are around it more often seem to get sicker.

It might have been. I don't want to look right now, but let's just take that away from him. But if that is the case, that's a that's so it's so different than anything else. It's weird with what's weird to me is how some people, apparently nothing happens, and other people just get wrecked. Like, we're talking about the same thing. Like, what is this thing? I had H1N1. Did you really?

Yeah. I just figured it out, like, a couple days ago. It was the sickest I've ever been in my fucking life. And I was like, and I mean, I mark it down as like, I thought I was going to die. Was that over, did H1N1 happen a lot in America, I mark it down as like, I thought I was going to die. Was that over? Did H1N1 happen a lot in America or was it mostly overseas? It happened. I was talking to Drew on my podcast.

It happened around 2009 in December. November, December is when we had an outbreak. In America? In America. And my cousin had it. Dr. Drew was telling me about his experience and I was like, man, that's so fucking crazy. And I told him like, oh, the sixth I've ever been. And I recounted it.

Then I go through my Instagram or my Facebook photos and I look. That's December 2009. And I go, dude, I got H1N1. It was, I'm telling you when I say, I've never felt like that when you don't get oxygen. You're kind of breathing, but you're not getting oxygen to your lungs. And my wife didn't get it. My wife didn't get it. My kids didn't get it.

My mom didn't get it. Wow. I was with all of them. And then my wife and I got on a plane and I drank. And that is what't get it. My wife didn't get it. My kids didn't get it. My mom didn't get it. Wow. I was with all of them. And then my wife and I got on a plane and I drank. And that is what fucked me up. I drank and I got into Mexico and I was, I mean, without a doubt, the sickest I've ever been. The sickest. I mean, gasping for breath, could not be comfortable, throwing up, chills. It was the worst chest infection.

I mean, I thought it was, I've always written it off to walking pneumonia. And then we were talking about it and I was like, December 2009? That's exactly when I fucking got it. Wow. That one had a really high fatalization rate. Within 40 to 50-year-olds. Yeah. So what's crazy about-

Is that a word, fatalization? I might have made up a word. Sounds right. Fatality rate is what I should have said. Fatality. I said fatalization. But I was thinking, does that- You can't even say it that way.

It's funny how saying something wrong the wrong way just immediately makes you a fucking moron. You can say the most interesting and complicated shit ever, but then you said, and then the fatalization of it all. Like, what? What the fuck did you just say? Fatalization. Bitch, you fraud. Do you ever use a saying

wrong? I pitched a movie in Hollywood, and I used salt of the earth as if they were dirty people. Oh, that's hilarious. These are the real salts of the earth as if they were dirty people. Oh, that's hilarious. These are the real salts of the earth. You know, the people you want to stay away from. Oh, no. Isn't it funny?

But this is how easy it is for us. We can't understand that wars were fought over salt. They literally fought for wars. They fought wars. They killed people. Over salt? Yeah, for salt. Salt was so important. Salt was everything everything because salt allowed

you to preserve food you could take fish and meat and all these different things you can cover them in salt and the salt prevents growth of bacteria so you can keep things even at room temperature far longer covered in salt than you can if they're out exposed to the air for For real? 100%. Yeah, so the salt of the earth was like an incredibly valuable thing. Oh, wow. We really used that wrong. But isn't that weird, man? The people on the subway. That wasn't that long ago, man. People were

having fucking wars over salt. This whole situation has forced you to think much more globally and transcendentally. Transcendentally? You did it.

Oh, yeah. You just tried one out. But like down the – transcendentally? I don't even know if those two words go together ever. But like you look at like – It's like a double verb. You look at the – my daughters were watching some movie about the Great Depression yesterday, and I was like, oh, that seems kind of real. Yeah. Now it does. Before it seemed like

shit that'll never happen to us because it would have never happened to us economically as fucked up as the economy is like it dips and then it comes back because the same amount of people need the same amount of shit. Right? So we got to make stuff and it just, it comes back. Right? Same amount of people are willing to work. Same amount of people are healthy. Same amount of physical resources required to make that shit. OK, let's figure it out how to make the shit again. And then people make the shit and they sell the shit and things keep moving. This is different. This is more more disturbing than anything we've ever seen because it's something that nobody suspected. Out of all the consequences of a global pandemic, nobody ever thought, oh, no, the whole world would have to stay home and no one would ever work.

No one thought that. Never in a million. No one thought that. No one thought that. No one wrote a script about that. But then some people have to work, right? Like supermarket people and healthcare people and firemen and all these other people that have to work. Okay, so we're just kind of like kind of putting a Band-Aid on it, but it's all going to keep getting out, right?

It's going to keep getting out if they get it. Like if they get it and they're in contact with people all the time, they're going to be the bridge between people and the disease because not everybody can just stay home. It's almost like we'd have to go door to door with people with fucking hazmat suits on, delivering food, staying in your house. Everyone has to stay in their house for two weeks. It's going to get to a point where if it keeps coming back,

do they keep instituting different measures? It's just started, right? And already we can't have public gatherings with more than 10 people. You can't go to a restaurant. You can't do a stand-upup show you can't go to the movies so all those things are done gyms are closed all these things are closed this has never happened before and everybody just stays home well what if that doesn't work what do they keep ramping

it up you know what if like five months later they realize well what we've done is instead of like letting this disease blow through everybody it's going to blow through quickly. Now it's slowly trickled into everybody it's going to affect. Still affects the same amount of people. Still infects the same amount of people. They don't know whether or not that could possibly happen. They're hoping that it wouldn't, but it could flare up again. That's another piece of concern.

They're worried it could flare up again. That's one of the things that's crazy is the uncertainty. Yes, exactly. That's the number one thing. Because we all want to pretend that all this shit makes sense even though we're temporary life forms oh don't get me fucking started even though even though the star that powers the solar system itself has a finite lifespan and things have changed so much even though all those things exist we still want to pretend that the world's going to be the way it is right now forever i think this is not good for us and that people are going to die and people are going to get sick but it might be the survivors of it might experience a shift in the understanding of what it is to be alive,

what it is to be a person, what this life is. Life is not about fame or money or getting your point to be the one that gets accepted by everybody or arguing with the left or arguing with the right. It's not that. This life is people hanging out with each other and staying alive. That's what it is. Have you interacted with people? Like we were out putting a fence up in our front yard.

Some people walk down the street. It's kind of cool. They're waving to each other, yeah. People are saying hi. People are appreciating each other a little bit more. People are scared. A guy said to me the other day, he goes, Hey, man, how you doing? I said, good. He goes, how are up i didn't even i didn't even know the guy i said good how about you guys really cool i went to uh

i had like a fucking insane toothache in the middle of the night the other night right i had to go to rite aid and it was open and i was so grateful you know you take it for granted let's go to rite aid and i start driving there and i go they're probably not open like we're in shutdown yeah i pull up and they're open poor young lady sitting there with gloves on and a mask i buy some ambasol and i go i was like i never said this i go hey thank you like thank you for being awake in the middle of a pandemic yeah and working here so that just a toothache like a fucking fucking toothache. People risking their health. I hope that we still feel this when things start to clear up. And, man, I'm optimistic.

I really do think we're going to fucking flatten this curve and things are going to go back to normal and everyone's going to be safe. But I hope that people are still that way. I hope it weighs with young kids. It weighs with me because I'm a little older and I feel like I'm, I'm allowing myself to change in a grateful way of, of like seeing things and noticing things that maybe I didn't notice because I lived in Florida. I lived in different places. I hope it happens with kids.

I hope kids, my kids put their phones down and want to interact and want to, you know, and be like, I had a month on my fucking two months on my phone. I'm out. I want to, I want to go ride a bike or something, you know, and be like, I had a month on my fucking two months on my phone. I'm out. I want to, I want to go ride a bike or something, you know? Yeah.

Well, there's levels that this can drop. This is one level. One level is stay at home. Um, you know, another level that this could drop is if the grid goes down, you know, there's things that we rely on that we don't even we don't even think twice about hitting that light switch and knowing that all that juice would be powering all these lights and then my refrigerator is going to stay on and that you know i'm going to keep being able to charge my tesla every night you assume all that but there's no guarantee there's

no guarantee that this fragile system is going to stay in place, particularly if something bad happens like a solar flare. Like one solar flare could wipe out our whole grid. One big one can wipe out, you know, I mean, one asteroid impact, one, you know, one crazy super volcano eruption, wipe out everything, all of it. And those things are real. They happen all the time. They're 100% real. They're 100% real and we've documented the history of them in the planet Earth. Fucking thousands of them.

They're always happening. We just don't live that long, man. We don't live that long. And we forgot. We forgot that all this shit happened and we we thought that because you know from my my life from 67 to 2002 there was nothing nothing like this the things like this don't happen but it's amazing it's amazing how many people have called me about guns because i do a bit about guns in this new special and everyone's like hey man get me your gun guy this is a good place to move time to move to texas get yourself a ranch thank god we trained

with what's his name yeah taryn tactical man i know how to use my gun i feel very confident with my gun yeah it certainly helps to get some training in you peep that's a it's going to be a big issue with people shooting people accidentally with people that don't have good firearm safety and uh they haven't been instructed correctly and they just go out and shoot guns oh yeah that don't have good firearm safety and they haven't been instructed correctly and they just go out and shoot guns oh yeah i don't know what the rules are today in terms of being able to buy a gun but when i first bought a gun there was no rules you just if you weren't a criminal you could just get a gun when was this when i first came here 94 oh really yeah the rules now are it's a 12-day waiting period and you you have to take a test. Test is pretty easy.

You take a test, you buy the gun, and then you have to wait 10 days. You definitely had a waiting period. Don't get me wrong back then. But what I'm saying is there was no instruction. Oh, no, there was no instruction. Yeah, that's what I mean. Like there was no – you didn't have to show your proficiency or you didn't have to definitely show that you know where the safety is

and you know how to remove a magazine. You didn't have to definitely show that you know where the safety is and remove a magazine. You didn't have to show anything. I didn't even. He gave me some play bullets. They're red. He was like, mess around with those. Get comfortable with your gun. And they didn't work.

So I never figured out. I just literally had a gun. I didn't even load it. I was like, I have a gun. I don't know what to do with it. And then Taron taught me everything. And so that's the only reason I know how to do anything with my gun but I bought two guns didn't know how to fucking I had a bullet there's a joke in my special but it's true I put a bullet in the shotgun and I thought

I got the one that goes but I didn't and I didn't know how to get out I was like I called my buddy Coward I go how do I get a bullet out of a gun he was like does Cowhead live in Florida yeah yeah that's why you called him yeah Yeah. Dude, Cowhead's talked to the gills. I would call Anthony Kumi a first and foremost. Are you having another one? Yeah. Okay. I'll take one. One more. One more. We're not getting crazy. We're having two drinks like

gentlemen over a short period of time. Yeah. What is it? An hour and 36 minutes into the podcast. Perfect. We halfway spaced it. Yeah, it's perfect. I feel perfect right now. Yeah, no worries. I don't want to send you off the wagon. You're not, man.

I had a weird epiphany about, like, I want to be with my kids right now. You know, like, hang with them. That's what I'm hoping is good that's going to come out of this, right? For all of us. I hope so, man. Cheers, Joe. Thank you for doing this, man.

My pleasure. Thank you. I know how fucking swamped you are. I love it. I love you, man. That's a good whiskey. Is that Buffalo Trace? Yeah.

I just love the fact that this company started out during the pioneer days. This is a company from the 1700s. That's ridiculous. Jesus. From the 1700s. It's one company Jesus. From the 1700s. One company. That's got to be one of the oldest companies in the country. What's the oldest company?

I mean, I think that shit was around right when the United States was being formed. We got Levi's. No, that Levi's was the 1840s, right? I don't know. They were canvas, right? They used to make them out of canvas. They used to make them out of old tents.

Well, I think, yeah. I think the canvas that they had back then was probably made out of cannabis, too. It was probably hemp. That's why it was so durable. That's what they used for clothes forever. Apparently, I had a hemp shirt. It was kind of whack.

I always felt like a hippie when I was wearing it. Sliding doors. Sliding doors. I like to see that transition in Joe where you smoke weed but don't love jujitsu and you get into like an oxygen bar. I still have a hemp gi from Datsusara. It's fucking great. Yeah, hemp is a weird fabric. I still have a hemp gi from Datsusara. It's fucking great. Yeah, hemp is a weird fabric.

It's really, really durable. My hemp gi is never ripped. Really? No, man. The stitching might go eventually. But, man, cotton gis, after a few years, they give out. All these dudes trying to kill you. They're yanking on you and shit. They rip at the armp armpits they get bleached a bunch of times they get a little weaker

they start ripping that hemp motherfucker that thing doesn't rip at all it's an alien planet hey what's the name of that plant what's the name of that uh dude you had the best fucking this is nine years ago you talked about a guy who did a kettlebell workout and I had it on my computer and I'm Keith Weber? It was like a fucking 20 minute kettlebell cardio workout. Oh my god. It's incredible, right? It was like heart attack. Oh yeah. Yeah. And you could do it with a 35

pound kettlebell. You hold on to a 35 pound kettlebell and you're like, but this thing ain't doing shit to me. Dude. 35 pounds, son. I'll be like, I'll throw that around. 10 minutes in, I'm ready to die. That's the one. I've been looking for that.

Weightlifting is my thing right now. I want to put mass on because I don't want my bones to fall apart. So all I do is run. All I do is run and spin glass. That's it. But I want to put weight on. I want to lift weights. That's a good move.

I like the way you're saying it, too. You don't want your bones to fall apart. Yeah. People need to take that. If there was a supplement that you could take that would actually increase your bone density, do you know how popular that supplement would be? That supplement would be so popular. Everybody would want to take something that actually increases your bone density

and makes you less vulnerable to breaking your leg if you fall down. That's when shit goes sideways is when you're 65 and you break a hip. You break your femur. That's a game changer of broken bone at that age. You want to maintain muscle mass. And the best way to do that is by picking up heavy things. During this isolation period, though, one of the things you can do, especially because we're assuming this is only going to last like a month or two, we're hoping. One of the things you can do is you could do a lot of fucking calisthenics.

You know, you can do all kinds, like you can do significant numbers of push-ups and bodyweight squats. And if you have a chin-up bar, just a chin-up bar that you fit inside a doorway is perfect. Just get one of those. Get one off of Amazon. Get the kind that you screw into the wall so it can't fall off on you. You don't want to die. I've had that one.

Especially if you get silly and you try to do flips back and forth and you fall on your face. There's no hospitals, okay? Nothing's open, you asshole. But if you just get a regular chin-up bar, just a chin-up bar, push-ups, sit-ups, doing a bunch of different bodyweight exercises like pistols and one-legged squats and different yoga routines.

You could get shredded. Shredded. You know the Hershel Walker story that he actually got jacked from doing push-ups and sit-ups and stuff in between commercials of shows you would watch? No. Yes. Dude, that's my brain. That's my brain. I love nothing more than a punishment challenge, like a punitive.

When we were doing that on the road, I was like, because Marky Mark and Dr. Oz did their push-ups. I made a joke video going, those are bullshit push-ups. They were bullshit push-ups. Dude, I did fucking 60 of them. But why did they do that? Marky Mark is a stud. Marky Mark's push-ups. They were bullshit push-ups. Dude, I did fucking 60 of them. But why did they do that? Marky Mark is a stud. Marky Mark's push-ups were better than Dr. Oz's. Do you think he gets mad if we call him Marky Mark?

Definitely. I got nothing but respect for him. I got nothing but respect for him. I love that guy. He's a great actor. He's on a campaign right now. He's nothing but in my news feed. About what?

About just, I don't know, like a PR campaign. I don't know what he's doing. Well, it's probably all about him promoting a movie or something like that. Spencer for Hires on Netflix. He's a very, very fucking inspirational guy. Look how fit he is. Boogie Nights is one of the best nights fucking ever. One of the best movies ever.

He's got a lot of great movies. He legitimately has a lot of great movies. But as a human being like when you look at like his uh dedication to fitness he's not bullshitting he really is up at five o'clock in the morning working out like a beast every day he's the real deal yeah he is like i think if you had pivoted and just on acting i think you guys have probably similar personalities like very like dedicated i don't know for real yeah i never met him he was at a ufc once but i was doing commentary and sometimes when celebrities are there i I look over, try to catch their eye, say hi.

I got a hug from Jeremy Renner. I was very excited. Really? I never met him. He came over and gave me a big hug. I was like, dude. He seems like a really cool guy. He's really cool.

He's really cool. But yeah, Mark Wahlberg's push-ups look legit. Like kind of legit. Look, he's a legit stud if you look at his workouts. I mean, that guy goes after it. You don't get built like that. I don't care what you're taking. You don't get built like that unless you work hard.

There's no magic pill. That's all hard work. Like, whenever someone says, oh, yeah, they're on testosterone replacement, that's wonderful. I'm sure that helps. It definitely helps. But you don't get built like that unless you're working out hard. Dr. Oz's push-ups are bullshit. Now, Mark's looks like tricep push-ups.

It's a little bullshit. It's a little bullshit. First of all, the right way to do a push-up, I'm not being a stickler, but legitimately for your own body, Dr. Oz is actually doing it better in that he has his elbows closer to his body. Follow me here. Like your hands in front of you and this. And this is a good motion for your shoulders.

Yeah. A lot of people think that this is not a good motion, that this elbow out. It's a different thing. And maybe it might be better to do it the way Mark Wahlberg is, where you're not going up all the way. Oh, I'm sorry. I got them confused. Dr. Oz is closer to us.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So Mark Wahlberg's doing it right. Mark Wahlberg's doing it right. That's right. I was about to say. I'm like, what? I got them confused. And he la is closer to us. So Mark Wahlberg's doing it right. Mark Wahlberg's doing it right. I got them confused. And he lapped him in his polo sweats. Mark Wahlberg was doing them way better. I'm sorry. I said it the wrong way.

I really thought that was Mark Wahlberg in front of us for some reason because Dr. Oz said, why did I think that? This is strong weed. Obviously, the guy with the fucking hat and the gloves. Why does Mark Marky Mark have gloves on? See if you can pull up my push-ups on my Instagram.

Why does he have gloves on, though? I looked at these push-ups. I was like, Dr. Oz, those aren't real fucking push-ups. They're not. Neither one of them are doing real push-ups. But Marky Mark, you know that Marky Mark can bang the fuck out of push-ups. But they probably decided they're going for numbers, and he can't lose to Dr. Oz by doing legit push-ups like Dr. Oz doing those bullshit pushups.

Oh yeah. It's like a strategy. Here's the problem with like, I love Mark Wahlberg. I love him on this podcast, but he's, he's not, he's not on the table the way he would be without cameras. Oh yeah. He's too brand friendly. I want to, I want the good.

He's doing great. He's doing great. But I want to stay on a podcast. Don't do it. I'll talk to you off, off air. Yeah, I'm sure. he's awesome man he really is i was in boston at medford in the chevalier it's a like a smaller like a thing in there what is it it's a theater it's a instead of doing you do you can do the wilbur the chevalier sits seats more but you say it's in Medford? Medford? Oh, yeah. I lived there for a little bit.

Okay. So I know you've talked about living in Medford. And then I got obsessed. And Bill fucking sucks about this because he just shuts you off. He goes, dude, it's all the same. It's fucking Boston. Look, look, I'm not Mark Wahlberg. I'm not Southie.

You know what I mean? No, there's different spots in Boston. I was obsessed. I want, if someone can online do this, I want all the Boston comics, all of them, even like Dennis Lear, like all of them, I want them put on a map. And I want you to tell me about that local area. Because if you do that with Florida, it's very simple to wrap your head around. Jim Brewer grew up, like lived in Brooksville at one point. If you know Florida, you know Brooksville. You know who moves to Brooksville, right? So like I to don't so tell me a fucking 70 year old world war ii vet and his young wife

oh really oh my kind of people like like it is it is like borderline retiree that's what i want for a neighbor i want a crazy old dude with guns with a hot young wife i think that was brewer's dad i'm like what's up bro i like how you're doing it but i want to know all about boston and and like all my all my friends i want to know about their neighborhoods where they grew up and how that defined them because i hear boston and i go was bill you dane g, Gary Goldman. I never really lived in Boston, Boston. I lived in Newton, which is a very nice community that's outside of Boston, which is Newton Upper Falls where I lived, which is like the blue collar part. But even the blue collar part, I went back there just a few years ago.

It's idyllic. It's beautiful. Oh, yeah. It's so nice. I lived across the street from the Charles River. Right across the street from this big ass park. The Charles River was back there and I could hang around and play in it when I was a kid. Newton was a very, very almost, it was suburban, but there was also like elements of rural shit. There was like rivers and forests and stuff that were really close by. A lot of woods. Really? A lot of trees and woods. So where were Matt Damon and Ben Affleck from? I don't know. I don't remember.

They were from more of an urban part. I mean, like I said, I lived in Jamaica Plain first for like a year, which was like sketchy. But Newton wasn't sketchy at all. Newton was nice. It was a good place to grow up. It was pretty easy. I mean, there's bullshit between kids, but there's always bullshit. Everywhere you fucking, everywhere you go, go you're gonna have bullshit between kids

They're all trying to figure their way through life, but like ultimately it was a pretty nice place to live and also Man, I think there's a fucking giant benefit to growing up where it gets cold in the winter I really do I never had my kids getting screwed Getting I think they're I think you're getting screwed if you live in a place where it doesn't get cold Why because it builds character It also teaches you about weather and nature. Like there's a reality of the consequences of going out when it's cold. You could die out there. There's a consequence of driving on the road where you can't see where you're going because

the road doesn't exist anymore because there's so much snow. Oh, yeah. That's real. That can happen. Oh, it didn't happen to me until I was like 29, 30. Yeah. First time I ever drove in snow. Yeah.

But there's something to be said for a, it is cool to be a grown up and see snow for the first time. Oh, I'm sure. It's like- Yeah, you probably appreciate it more than I did. Oh, I see snow. I get so excited when it snows. Well, I had it until I was seven and then I had it again when I was 13.

So all those years of living in California and Florida, obviously, I never saw snow. I saw snow one time when I was in San Francisco, I remember. I was like, wow, this is interesting. It's like one of my strongest memories from San Francisco. It snowed in Tampa. Seeing a little bit of snow. Just a little bit of snow. It snowed in Tampa in like 1978, 1979.

Yeah. I remember it so fucking vividly. It shuts shit down, but it also, it pays you back with character. You develop character. My favorite people, almost to a person,

in terms of like their attitude about things, are all East Coast people. Yeah. All my favorite people are East Coast people. So many of them are cold weather people. So many of them are cold weather people. So many of them. I mean, there's a few that I'm really close with that are L.A. people, born and raised here. It's not like I like them less.

It's just that the numbers of people that are interesting that I'm friends with. I know what you're saying. There's less bumps on them. When you grew up in L.A., you're like, so you grew up in Santa Monica? What was that like? You go to the Third Street, probably not a lot. Yeah, what did you do? What was a hard day? less bumps on them when they grew up in la you're like yeah so you grew up in santa monica how what was that like you go to the third street probably not a lot yeah what did you do what was a hard day it kind of rained it rained a little bit oh i remember north ridge oh i bet you do i was uh i was uh hanging out on the top of uh i had a like uh when i lived in uh new, we lived on this really steep street,

and there was a part above my parents' bedroom where you could stand on the roof. So you could go out to the back, you could climb up a ladder, and you could stand on the roof. And me and my friend Jay Jewett were – no, I'm sorry, it was John Jewett. It was Jay's brother. Jay was my friend too. But John and I were on the roof and we were, because John was dating my sister, and we were watching cars slide down this frozen street and slam it into curbs.

Every car that went down the street was fucked because they didn't know that it was all black ice. The whole street was black ice. And we sat on the roof and there was not a goddamn thing we could do. Wait, how many black guys? No, not black guys. Black ice. Jesus Christ, Bert.

Jesus Christ. I had a visual. The whole street was black guys. I had a visual of like 200 black guys just watching white people careen. And I'm like, holy, it got so much better. It got so much better with black guys. Winter weather, black ice. I'm like, holy, it got so much better. It got so much better with black guys. Winter weather, black ice. I'm sorry.

We've had a lot of weed and pot and alcohol. I probably slurred my words. It's so much better of a story watching a bunch of black guys like it's a slam dunk contest. Like, oh, shit. That's hilarious. Oh, my God. It was cars just bouncing off the curb. And so we called the cops.

And we told them, hey, there's all these cars, like two cars in a row have come down this hill. And they're bouncing off the curbs. And so the cops came down the hill. And they fucking bounced off the curbs. These fucking dipshits. And we're watching them. And me and John are watching this car bounce off these curbs. I'm like, look at this fucking idiot.

Did you not listen? We called you, man. And you're like, I got a seat for myself. Why don't you come up from the bottom, you fuck? You grab the phone. You're like, call Domino's. They came the same way everybody else did. And the same thing happened.

Like, we know better. We know better. We're going to come down. Oh, my God. Show you homos how to drive. This bounced off the curves. Oh, my God. But I really believe that growing up like that is good for you. I think spending my high school years in Massachusetts was really important.

It's really important to shovel snow. Like, that was one of the ways we made money. Like, you get pumped when it snowed out because you could charge people. So you would go to this lady's house, and you knew she couldn't shovel this fucking long-ass driveway, and you'd make a negotiation. When I'm looking at it, I'm trying to figure out, like, I'm trying to do my math. Math's always terrible.

Oh, wow. So you're a kid, and you're going, like, it's a valuable trait. Yeah, I'm, to do my math. Math's always terrible. Oh, wow. So you're a kid and you're going like, that's a valuable trait. Yeah, I'm like 14. I'm trying to figure out how long it's going to take to dig up two feet of snow from 40 feet of driveway. I'm like, hmm. You're never right. I would love to hear my daughter's price point on that. Some people were great.

Some people were really generous. They even give you a tip. They pay you like maybe $100 to do a whole long-ass driveway. But, bro, it would take you all day. When someone has one of these motherfuckers that goes up to their house, and it's like two feet of snow. You don't even realize how much work that is. Dude, I would come home wrecked. Just wrecked.

that is dude I would come home wrecked just wrecked dude I we were we were at a yurt at 7,000 feet in fucking Idaho right and I low on oxygen we've been riding snowmobiles drinking beers all the way up to this yurt and I get there and the whole fucking deck is covered and there's a fire pit I'm so excited as a Florida kid I go I'm gonna shovel the deck and everyone's like hey man you're gonna fucking heart attack I go I go no I'm good I'm good I'm so excited as a Florida kid. I go, I'm going to shovel the deck. And everyone's like, hey man, you're going to have a fucking heart attack. And I go, no, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I've been so excited about shoveling snow my whole life, right? I've never done

it. It sucks dick. It sucks the most. Within, I gave it to my buddy John Sales. I go, you got to finish, man. I can't do this shit. I was like, I'm a Florida kid, man. I'm going to put on my flip flops. Dude, you know how many old ladies hurt themselves trying to shovel their way out of their house every year in cold climates when they don't have someone like a support system, like a son or someone to come visit them and help them? A lot of guys that I know that are East Coast guys that live in the neighborhood of their family or anywhere near their family, it's almost like understood.

When it snows out, you go over to your mother-in-law's house and you dig her out because she's stuck that's real shit man you have to that i think that it's dangerous and it's definitely an added fucker of life where you like you come to california like thank god there's no snow yeah and that's how i was when i first moved here i'm like thank god there's no snow but part of me is like man man, I learned from that snow. I learned a lot of shit, dude. That taught me a lot about perseverance because I used to deliver newspapers. So I drove every day. I drove every fucking day, every day, 365 days a year. I was driving for years because it was the best way to not have a job while you have a job. Like the job was, I just had to go somewhere and get the newspapers and then follow the route and throw them out the window.

But while I'm doing that, no one's looking over my shoulder. No one's telling me what to do. And it's not the worst pay in the world. It was pretty good pay. Thrifty Nickel. I used to deliver to Thrifty Nickel in Tallahassee. Oh, yeah? Oh, Sean Simmons got me the job.

He's like, hey, man, it pays good. It was like $400. All you had to do was one Thursday. But you woke up at the crack of dawn. They filled my jet a front seat, back seat, and trunk with thrifty nickels. And I had to run around. What is a thrifty nickel? It was like a savings magazine, like a savings newspaper.

Oh, okay. And the movie Singles had just come out. And so I was listening to the soundtrack of Singles. What was that movie? It was Matt Damon. No, no, Matt. Who's the good-looking Matt. What was that movie? It was Matt Damon. No, no, Matt. Matt. Who's the good looking Matt that we grew up with that was in Beautiful Girls?

Matt. Oh, that guy. Matt Dillon. Matt Dillon. I see him. I saw his face. Matt Dillon. It was Matt Dillon.

Stay gold, Ponyboy. Yeah. Oh. Do you know how many times I've said that in my head in an airport bar? Stay gold, Ponyboy. One more. Oh. Do you know how many times I've said that in my head in an airport bar? Stay gold, Ponyboy. One more. Dude. And so it was a Cameron Crowe movie.

Singles. There it is. Man, that whole soundtrack. Keira Sedgwick. Eddie Vedder. Matt Dillon. That was such. And I listened to that whole.

He's preposterously handsome. Dude, I saw him in person. He's striking. We bumped into each other and he did the Matt Dillon hello. A guy like that almost has a curse. Too handsome. Dude, I saw him in person. He's striking. We bumped into each other and he did the Matt Dillon hello. A guy like that almost has a curse. Too handsome. We were trying to buy Coke at the Formosa Cafe. Shh.

It's passed. I think we're good. I don't know, man. Maybe he doesn't want people to know. No, not me and him. No, not me and him. Me and my friends. Me and my friends.

Not me and Matt Dillon. By the way, if we had, i would have fucking ratted him out he was with he was he was with the little guy from uh from uh from beautiful girls who goes she goes hey guys sambuca and he goes what meg too early or too late like the little you know the little guy from those movies he was so good no uh Girl is one of the greatest fucking movies ever. Is that him with Chris Cornell? Yeah, that's him with Chris Cornell. Who's on his right? I think that's, she was famous.

She's someone's daughter or something. Bridget Fonda? Chris Cornell was one of the biggest bummer suicides. Was that from, it was from Xanax, right? I don't know what it was from. I don't know what it was from. I mean, I think there's a bunch of different Sonny Garcia was willing to fuck me up big big surfer from LA or from Hawaii

I didn't know about oh, dude that bum me out so bad. I'm a Despite not knowing how to surf at all. I'm a huge surfing fan and so I was and Sonny Garcia was like the first dude that first first dude I remember seeing. Him and Christian Fletcher had tattoos. Like when you were like, bro, they got tattoos. What did their parents say? Forever. Forever. Keep it for life.

God. And then – but yeah, he committed suicide in like Portland or something. I think I remember reading that now. I didn't know about him, but I think I remember reading it now. Bourdain was the hardest one for me. I wish I met him. That was one of the ones where I'm like, you know,

you always think, like, that guy was so smart, I wish I could have talked to him. He was so smart. You know, sometimes people can, they can get in a bad way.

They can get in a bad way, They can get in a bad way. But you can pull out of that bad way. Sometimes you need to know. You need to know that there's a light at the end. I don't know what it was. I don't know if it was chemical or emotional. I don't know what it was, but he had so much to offer. His perspective was so unique.

He was such an interesting guy. Like a genuine, and just, you could feel the chaos in him. He was a fun guy to discover. You know, like when you first found him. Yeah. Because I think a lot of people found him on their own, where they were like, dude, this fucking show, No Reservations, is awesome. Dude, I would have loved to see you and him get drunk together because he made me tap out.

Dude, we went camping. We went pheasant hunting in Montana, and then we went camping. Yeah. And Bourdain goes hard in the paint, son. He went hard in the paint. And I couldn't find any weed. I thought I had weed, but I had a vape. I had a vape pen.

So we bust out the vape pen. And they're passing around the whiskey. I mean, we were barbecued. And he keeps going. Really? He kept going. He would just keep going. He wanted to go to the Netherlands.

He wanted to pass into the next dimension. He wanted to escape. He would go hard. I would have loved to have partied with him. He was to escape. He would go hard. I would have loved to have partied with him. He was so interesting. I just really enjoyed his company. I never knew anyone like him. He was a very, very different guy.

And I always was happy that he liked me. Because I was always like, that a guy like that could work. I come off the wrong way sometimes people You know you think you do yeah, well you did fucking shirtless. Are you kidding me? Yeah? I know yeah I come off the wrong. I come off Wholeheartedly the wrong way with intention as people go that guy is a fucking idiot I was telling Jim Norton this this morning.

When Showtime did my special machine, Helen, I keep saying Helen. That's her name. She works at Showtime. She made a very, very wise tactical decision. She said, I think you shirtless is a bad idea. I said, really? And she goes, I just think that a lot of people are going to change the channel. And man, was she right.

I had the lowest rated special out of all of them for the whole year. It was the lowest rated special. And then when that story went viral, it was because my shirt was off that people recognized it. And I think, I was saying this, I think it's the thing where like when big government puts an entity in front of you. Like when Showtime puts that in front of you and you have the remote, you go, ah, fuck that guy.

Like thumbs down. But when you discovered on your own online and you go shirtless guy, what's that? The onus is on you. So you're more forgiving and you'll listen. Yeah. I think that's the cool thing about podcasts. I'm like,

what we do is that like, I remember, I remember discovering your podcast, Isla, you and Tommy, this is like, must be episode three. You and Tommy were doing a podcast I was a baby. She saw Tommy buns on the screen and clicked it. It was on Twitter Or maybe myspace but clicked it and it was snowflakes and I came in and Isla was watching you and Tom on My laptop and I and I sat with Isla my lap and I started watching it and from and it must have

been like episode three four maybe even before you started calling it Joe Rogan experience I was fucking hooked and I was a ride-or-die motherfucker like because I found it but is it but if you put podcasts like when these guys say and I'm not a shit on but people sign big deals with podcasts and then podcast company goes new podcast it. It's like I got to find it. When you find it yourself, you fucking love it, man. And I found Bourdain sitting in my bed. No reservations came on. I didn't know what it was at all. Didn't know anything about travel channel other than man versus food.

And I fucking, he did this monologue that I was like, dude, that's what every guy hosting television wants to do. Yeah, his monologues were brilliant. Brilliant. He was a great writer. He wrote them. Yeah, he was a great writer as well. He's just super unique.

When he got into jiu-jitsu, I was so happy. Yeah. I was so happy. That was a fucking shift. Also, I was like, I'm going to be closer friends with him now because he's into jiu-jitsu. Yeah, you're like his knock-on. Well, yeah, in a way.

What's his name? John Dudley. Yeah, John Dudley is like, he gets a call from you, and he's like, ah, Rogan's calling. I'll take it. What do you need to know about Bo's setup, brother? With him, it was like such an interesting shift. Because when I'd known him before,

he was smoking cigarettes. And then I met him. No, actually, I met him after, he was smoking cigarettes. And then I met him. No, actually, I met him after he had stopped smoking cigarettes. I knew of him when he was smoking, when he was on his television show. And then he had his daughter. And when he had his daughter, he stopped smoking. But I remember reading that he decided to take statins rather than clean up his diet because it was just so important to him to eat well.

And he wasn't exercising at the time, and he was drinking a lot. But it was so important for him, I mean, for what he does and what he loves, just to be able to eat well, just eat the most delicious artistic creations of master culinary assassins. And so that's what he decided to do. And then when he got into jujitsu, he didn't need the high blood pressure medication anymore or the, what was it? High cholesterol medication anymore.

He didn't need it anymore. He was, his whole body like transformed. He seemed so much more, when he was on CNN, he seemed so much more grounded and healthy. Yeah. But in some ways, but to me, in some ways not. Like in some ways, I was like watching him age very rapidly, physically, like how he looked.

Like, and I, you know, I love this guy to death. Towards the end, I would see images of him. I was like, wow, he looks like he's struggling. Like his body is aging a lot. And it could be just because he's traveling so much and he's drinking so much. It could be many, many, many, many, many different things. Traveling with drinking is very different than living at home drinking.

It's rough. It's all rough. It's all rough on the body. And then probably all the demons he was battling that he succumbed to in the end anyway. There's something about that but there was something about that fucking look that he had when he was at that place that was like you just wanted to talk to him because he knew he had some shit to say god man what a fucking brilliant mind too my wife was before i started watching and my wife read uh uh kitchen confidentials is that his

was that his and my wife's like this guy's fucking amazing, Bert. And I was in bed with Isla and it came on TV. Yeah, he was awesome. You've met some fucking fascinating people. Yeah, he was one of the first to ever do the podcast, too. One of the first real guests, famous people that came in. Do you remember when, this is like a throwback, do you remember when Ari was the most fascinating person?

Or like Brian Redman? I talk about the podcast like back in the day when you had that landline that would ring for no reason at all. Yeah, I kept having to pull it out of the wall. Who was the first guest you got on the podcast where you were like, shut the fuck up? Graham Hancock. Oh, that's right. We went and grabbed Graham Han hancock and i believe it was graham and duncan and i and we sat down this was way way way way way early on and i had picked up

one of graham's books i believe it's i always say footprints of the gods but it's really fingerprints of the gods i'm pretty sure and uh the book was about ancient civilizations. And it was all about how there's some, there's a massive amount of evidence that points to the possibility that Earth experienced some sort of a cataclysmic disaster somewhere in the neighborhood of 12,000 years ago. And that all the stuff that we see in these older civilizations, it's really complex and confusing. The reason why it happened, and there's just like this down period and this up period again afterwards, is because a giant percentage of the population was wiped out by an asteroid that they can prove hit. And he's been proven more and more and more correct as time went on. And for me, just as a fan of that subject, because just what we're experiencing now with this pandemic and just with life in general,

we love to think that things are static and nothing's static and there's nothing sadder than someone who doesn't recognize that they're not static anymore, right? There's nothing sadder than a woman who's in her 80s who still puts on too much makeup or uh you know or or a guy that's that age is still doing push-ups on the front lawn and flexing for the neighbors you know what i mean good morning miss mary there's nothing sad about people that don't recognize that things aren't static and he is uh he's like the guy who sounded the wake-up call in my consciousness

look at that what year was that man september 25th 2011 wow so wait how long has this podcast been going on 10 years now yeah it started in 2010 duncan has not changed one fucking 2009 and it went to december of yeah yeah Duncan looks exactly the fucking same he's the same but we had these look there's a fleshlight over my left shoulder I was just telling Whitney about those days but that was listen man

you could only have done that podcast the way we did it if you did it that way but meaning that like no one has to be watching. No one cared. It didn't mean anything. And we were blasted out of our minds.

For the first 80 or 90 episodes, maybe even more, I was so high during every episode. Remember when we do the volcano shots? I remember that big fucking volcano. And it would sit right next to you and it would just keep smoking the entire time so if you had to sit next to red band on the right it would just burn the whole time sometimes we'd be in the middle of

the conversation i'd be like have we started the podcast dude dude i remember i remember that time so vividly it was like it was like a shift in the fucking universes of like, I remember going to your house. I always say this is one of my favorite stories. The way I met you is the last way you should meet, Joe. I went up to your house. You were at the door already. And you were like, hey man. I go, hey man. Big fan. I got to see the deprivation tank,

your dog, and the pool table. Then we need to get high and then I'm ready to do this. And you were like, caught off guard. You're like, okay. You took me back. I met Johnny Cash. You took me down to the deprivation tank we played around a pool went out to that back where the swing set and the chickens ended up being smoked a joint red band showed up it changed my fucking life you said hey man you got to tell that machine story every time you get on stage if you hadn't done that I don't know what the fuck I'd be doing if you you know that that's what happened that first night right so i tell the machine story

on to your podcast and you go it's one of the best stories it's one of the best stories ever told you go ladies and gentlemen you go you tell on stage i go no you go you gotta start telling that on stage hey everybody and you talk to the you go he is for now unknown as the machine you yell the machine at every one of his shows until you make him tell it on stage. So I go to Columbus the next week. I go do my first show Thursday. Maybe 120 people not sold out. And they start chanting the machine. And I go, hey, guys, it's not a stage story.

This dude in the front row, death squad, ride or die. Death squad, covered head to toe goes, hey, Bert, we understand it's not going to be funny. But you've got to tell it if you're going to want it to be good. So go ahead, man. Come on, guys. Right, right, right. And everyone started cheering. You can do it, Bert.

You can do it. I told it. I told it. And at the bar, they're like, you know, we had to fake laugh a couple times. But I think it's a good story. We had to fake laugh a couple times. Cut from that to me and Tom doing our weight loss challenge, right? The first time we did our weight loss challenge.

And that machine story went viral that week. That week, that machine story went viral. The week you guys began the challenge or finished the challenge? The weigh-ins. When he shaved my beard, the machine story went viral that fucking week. I say they go, you know, I always say I'm the luckiest dude in the world. I think I work hard, but I'm very, very, very lucky. I'm more lucky than anyone in the world, right?

Just I stand by luck. But, man, the luckiest I've ever been is making friends with a group. Like I remember you telling me, I remember you coming out and saying, I didn't want to make friends. And you came out with a shot. We were at the Ice House. We were doing Death Squad Chronicles. Came out with a shot and a beer. You said, hey, you're a good guy.

I go, oh, yeah, thanks. You're like, you know, we're all trying to be your friend, man. And I was like, no, I get it. I get it. And you're like, no, like, you just gotta let us. And I was like, no, I understand. You're like, no, no, no. That means, like, when we call you, call us back. And I went, yeah. And you're like, no, I don't think I understand what you're saying. You go, me,

Joey, Ari, Tommy, we're all trying to be your friend, Bert. Well, we have to tell you And we went yeah, and you're like no, I don't think I understand you go me Joey Ari Tommy We're all trying to be your friend Bert. Well, we have to tell you I want I don't want to throw anybody under the bus So as I explain this I'm gonna be very careful Okay, the reason why we're saying that because we knew you had been friends with a tyrant You were shell-shocked like shocked We're your real friends We like you We're not trying to tell you what to do Or fucking scream at you

Or belittle you We actually like you We're gonna bust your balls But we bust everyone's balls That's half the fun I felt like you were a beaten kid Jesus Christ we gotta lighten this Kreischer guy up I remember you guys called one Saturday.

You go, what are you doing? I go, I'm on the treadmill. And you go, nah, come over to the ice house. And I said, oh, I'm good. And I hung up, right? And then Tommy called me back. And Tommy goes, hey, man, you've got to let us try to be your friend. Fucking come to the ice house.

Just come to the fucking ice house. And then I heard you on the, get over here. And so I fucking went over to the ice house. We had a fucking blast, dude. We had a fucking blast yeah I knew it but you know that's how it is in this fucking weird business like half the fun is finding a group of people that you can enjoy it with it's half the fun it's it's all the fun I mean my opinion you used to tell me like about how traveling with Joey and Tom and Ari and how much fun it was. It changes the game. Dude, I travel with a group of guys now, and it's so much fun to get.

We've been doing push-up challenges every night. You get wasted and go, fuck it. Let's go. Tens of tens. Josh, Tommy's guy that he has open for him. Josh Potter. Josh Potter is fucking hilarious. He's really funny, man.

Hilarious. He opened for Tommy. I happened to be in Vegas maybe like the last get out of the year. I was in Vegas for the UFC and just coincidentally, Tommy was performing at the Mirage. So I came to hang out with him. We all went out. We had

steaks. We fucking had a great time on Friday night and then we went to see his show. And then we went to see his show. That was the first time I ever saw Josh. He murdered, man. He's awesome, dude. He's really funny. From Buffalo.

Is he? Yeah, you'd run into him every now and then. And, man, Tom's a legit. I got to say, Tom's special is probably streaming right now. If you're watching this, it's streaming on Netflix. It's called Ball Hog. He'll be on the podcast, I'm sure, this week. He's tomorrow.

He's tomorrow? Tommy's on tomorrow. Yeah. And what's good for the goose is good for the gander. We got a podcast, Two Bears, One Cave. Check out his. Two Bears, One Cave. Say it so people can understand it.

Two Bears, One Cave. You don't have to shove it in there. It's an old host habit. What is it about saying things fast? Like, okay, okay, okay. Two Bears, One Cave. Dude, I get my brain, I'll get verbiage in my head. Like, body shots, world tour. It just runs out so quick. Do you know who Mac Lethal is? Yeah. Dude, you ever my brain, I'll get verbiage in my head. Like, Body Shots World Tour.

Do you know who Mac Lethal is? Yeah. Dude, you ever listen to him rap? Double, triple fast rap? Yes, yes. His rapping confuses the fuck out of me. I don't even understand how someone's lips can move that fast. How about Eminem?

Did you hear Eminem when he did that Eminem challenge? You saw it, Jamie, I'm sure. Because me and you were both children. But Mac Lethal's probably the fastest. I don't know. This Eminem challenge. I wish you could play it well I heard some Eminem shit recently that was really fast too really really fast really fast, too But I kind of think Mac lethal is on another level. Yeah, yeah if I had to put the two of them in a fast rap off I Got my money on I got my money on that lethal fella.

Ladies and gentlemen, the fast rap off. There's a section of the song he says 69 words in 16 seconds. Who does? 99 words in 16 seconds. Wow. When you were younger, did you ever think

there was a celebrity that would love your comedy? Like when you were younger and you were like No man it's one of the weirdest things ever Was looking in the audience and seeing famous people It took forever to get used to that Like who? Gene Simmons Gene Simmons fuck that guy

I know you hate that guy He blocked me on Twitter Did he really? Yeah fuck Gene Simmons Oh that's hilarious. I really wish I could be the consigliere that brought you two together at this time. He was a big comedy fan, though. Yeah.

He used to go to a lot of comedy shows. His son, I think, liked my comedy. His son's cool as fuck. And his son brought his whole family on New Year's Eve at the Improv one weekend. Yeah. One year, rather. Yeah, it was weird. It was weird.

I was like, Jesus Christ, Gene Simmons in the fucking audience. When I was a kid, I loved Kiss. They were awesome. When I was a kid, god damn, man. It was like my favorite band. It was a weird band. Oh, bro. Because people would mock you if you loved them.

I was obsessed. Do you remember the movie they did? Yes. Where they took over a fucking theme park? Phantom of the Park. Phantom of the Park. Yes, I remember that. Bro, the power went out in the middle of me watching and I cried.

Wait, how old were you? Because I remember how old I was. I don't know. I was probably like 11 or something like that. I was at Pat Fagan's house. I must have been seven. And I was like, oh my God, this is the greatest movie ever. My parents came and they're like, time to go home.

I go, we're not done. We're not done. I didn't really cry, but I might as well. I was like, God damn it. It's fucking powers off. We're not done. I didn't really cry, but I might as well. I was like, God damn it. It's fucking powers off. My dad, my dad would wake me up and he'd wait for the 7-Eleven commercials where they were on Slurpees and he'd crank it up. He'd go, shout it, shout it, shout it out loud.

And I'd hop up. I'm ready to go to school. First grade. I'm ready to go to school, dad. Every kid that was into Kiss identified with a particular member. Oh. Like my friend Javier was really into Peter Criss. Oh my God. I was hardcore into Peter Criss.

Yeah. I met Peter Criss. There were certain dudes that thought they were Paul Stanley, certain dudes that like I was a Gene Simmons fan. I was in between Peter Criss and Ace Frehley. I bought Ace Frehley's solo album in high school. I didn't ever think that I would be spiritual enough to be tuned into Ace Frehley, because Ace Frehley was the spaceman, right? He was the dude who was

mellow with the guitar, with the crazy guitar. He had a really good solo album. Remember they did the solo album with their faces on it? Yeah. Back in the New York groove. Yeah. I love that song. Dude, they had some amazing, like the branding of Kiss. Meaning like, you remember them in the suits?

Yeah. The picture of them in the suits? Yeah. Picture them in the suits? Yeah, dressed to kill. Yeah, that was a fucking... Wasn't it dressed to kill? I hate that I hate Gene Simmons. Like I want to love him so bad. Oh, that's so sad. It's so hard to...

I don't remember the story, but I saw it one day. Someone sent it to me. One of my friends sent it to me. Us talking about you hating Gene Simmons. I'm like, God, I kind of forgot about this. I had a bad interaction with him. There it is, dressed to kill. That's such a badass... And clog, I kind of forgot about this. I had a bad interaction with him. There it is. That's such a badass.

And clogs. He's wearing clogs. I know. There were different kinds of people back then. God. I feel like there's no way we would ever be able to understand what life was like being a bunch of dudes who were world famous, wearing makeup, mocked, openly mocked by so many members of the music community, whether it's radio stations.

They thought they were a joke, and you were a fool if you liked their music. And then they take their makeup off for a little bit. Remember that? Kiss unmasked. I remember that. And then nobody was into it. Fuck it, we're going back. We're putting it back on. I was at Pat Fagan's house and he's like, you want to see what Gene Simmons looks like?

I was like, hard pass. But they wore everybody out. They wore everybody out. They stayed in the game. I mean, they replaced two members, Ace Frehley and Peter Criss. They kind of rotated in and out. And eventually they replaced them with new people that played the same characters. So there's a new dude who's the cat dude and a new dude who's a space dude and for a while they tried to do it

differently they added a fox one guy was a fox and people were like get the fuck out of here you don't remember that yeah yeah yeah yeah when uh peter chris was gone they put in some new dude instead of a cat he was like a fox it was a real problem and the hardcore kiss fans like this is fucking bullshit you know who's a hardcore kiss fan who kevin james no me and kevin james me and kevin james two nights in a row went to see kiss in la uh i think i think it was at the forum uh during their comeback tour because we thought they were never going to come back again. So this is me and Kevin James. And, man, I don't know what year that was, but it was in the 90s. Who was that guy?

That's the fox. Eric Carr. Yeah, he's a fox. Eric Carr, yeah. Yeah, get the fuck out of here, bro. Nice guy, great musician. Don't get me wrong. But no!

You can't add new characters. Kevin James and I could not be more different. Yeah, he's a great guy. He's a great guy. Me and Gary. You would love him. I know Kevin. But, I mean, if you really knew him like I knew him, I'm tight with him.

I hooked him up with my manager. We have the same manager we have from the very beginning. I've known Kevin for, fuck, 29 years maybe. Gary and I were tight. Gary Valentine and I. I was tight with Gary, too. I love Gary Valentine. He's a great guy. Gary Valentine and I. I was tight with Gary too. I love Gary Valentine. He's a great guy.

Gary Valentine, one of my favorite stories ever. One time we're at the improv and he goes, Burtzki, shot! And I go, yeah, Gary. And he grabs two shots and he hands me one and then he grabs his and he takes his back when the improv had candles. And he does a shot of a candle,

whacks all over his lips, goes, I took the wrong one! Okay! Gary Valentine is the fucking funniest human being, man. when the improv had candles, and he does a shot of a candle, whacks all over his lips, and goes, I took the wrong one. Okay. Gary Valentine is the fucking funniest human being, man. He drank a shot of candle. He just splashed it on his lip, and he goes, I drank the wrong one. I can't be good. Yeah.

Isn't it interesting? What are their real name? Don't be giving up their real name, you fuck. Fuck, yeah. Jesus Christ, Bert Kreischer. Causing trouble. Yeah, they both got different names, but they're brothers and sisters. Whatever.

Brothers. Kevin's an interesting cat. He really is. Yeah, very interesting guy. Very quiet. We sat one time at his house, me and Gary and a couple other guys. I was getting wasted and he was just sitting there looking at me.

He was like, what are you partying for? I go, I'm just enjoying it. He goes, what? I go, all your success. He was like, huh? I said, Kevin, I would be doing it so different if I was you. He was so, I remember he drove, I want to say, a Jeep Cherokee on his third season of King was you. He was so, I remember he drove like a, I want to say a Jeep Cherokee

on his third season of King of Queens. He had like, he was very conservative. Never. Yeah, well he's a guy who plays the cards close to his chest, you know. Such a sweet dude. He introduced me to Guacamole. He's the only reason why I've ever been in any movies.

I did some terrible movies that nobody saw before. But like the movies that I did once I didn't need to do anything any anywhere anymore in terms of acting was his movies I did two of his music I did a zookeeper and I did here comes the boom and the only reason why I did him is because I love Kevin he's such a great zookeeper was fun too it was so ridiculous I had to learn how to dance it It took months and months of my time. It was really interesting. I saw that dance.

You can actually dance. It was so ridiculous, man. Dude, Sebastian Maniscalco can dance. In all fairness, some of what you see is not actually me. Some of it is me, but there was this dude who was a professional dancer who was like a stand-in who was amazing. He was amazing. So the stuff where it's clearly me, I definitely did a lot of the stuff.

All the stuff with me and Leslie Bibb where I had a holder and all that stuff, that was me, 100%. But this dude was so much better than me. Where he couldn't tell, they stuck him in. And he was built like me, and it was perfect. It was like, nobody could tell because he was really good.

Like, when you see how hard it is to actually dance, you go, my God. Like, when you see a real professional, it's one of the most dismissed things with people. We dismiss it. Like, oh, what a frivolous pursuit. And then he had to dance. But if you can really dance, it's so impressive when someone has like full control of their body That's what Tom said to me cuz I'm a better dancer than him Dude I did I did fuck Tom. Let me tell you something that cocksucker

My daughter's my daughter is his head my daughter's saw Tom's video and they looked at it and they're like Wait, Tom can dance I go you didn't say that when you saw my video and they go well you paid someone to teach you how to dance I go so did fucking he you think he did that on his own they go it looks like it I tried to do that iris dance for the release of the special but you gotta appreciate

the fact that Tom did it in a Steven Seagal outfit with a carrot don't ever like if you I to God, if you watch the video of me watching that for the first time, it's a love letter. It's a man reading a love letter from his boyfriend. When Tom, I said, he goes, how do you feel? I said, like privately, I go, it made me feel very honored that you did that. And he goes, it's because I love you.

Like when he put that out out it meant so much to me because I thought I put out my dance video and everyone made fun of it and we watched it we giggled but the fact that it inspired Tom to drop 80,000 whatever he spent 80,000 100,000 110,000 the fact that he made a reply video

made me so fucking excited well he went so deep he went so deep he He went so deep. He murdered you. Joe, Joe. With a knife. You realize what he did? He made me...

He told me... He goes... I sat and did facial recognition for him. Yeah, we talked about it. Oh. He fucked you hard, bro. Bro. You have no idea.

The times I stay up in bed going, this is how I'm getting Tommy. I swear to God. When the guy had the machine shirt on. We sell those now and they're fucking going crazy. They're all at my shows. Just machine. Oh my God. It's fun to watch our

fans go back and forth with us and bust balls with us because that's all we do. Yeah. I know it is. It is fun. It's cool that our specials are airing back to back because I think, look,

I want his special I want his special to be number one trending on Netflix without a doubt. But don't worry about all that. No, no, no. Because I know that mine will be number two. Don't worry about all that. No, no, no. No, no, no. Because I know that mine will be number two if it's the one. Don't worry about number one and number two.

Let all that shit go. Oh, look at this fucking. So sad. God. It looks like you ate Joey Diaz. Poor guy. That's a real person. Well, that gentleman should take this time to better himself.

We can all do better. I can. Sometimes people just go off the rails. That guy went off the rails. It's diet, man. Diet. Diet's everything. But I'm not on the carnivore diet during all this craziness because I'm just eating.

Yeah. I'm just eating calories because the supply chain and the way things are, there's no way I can justify only eating meat unless I'm only eating my meat, like the elk meat that I eat. How much elk meat do you have? I got a lot for you. Done. I got freezer bags for you. Fuck yes.

I love giving it away too, man. I love when people cook it. But other than that, it's like I need to eat food. I'm not concentrating on weird diets or make sure i i mean i could eat only meat but i'm not even thinking about that right now what i'm thinking about right now is like making sure that i make the right decisions with everything that i do from here out because i think we're in unsung territory we're in neverland how long do you think you can go? I don't know.

Locked down. But here's the thing. This is what I really feel like. We all got to do this together. Like it's not, the problem is even thinking how long can you last? Part of the problem is even thinking that. Well, how long can we last? How long can all of us last?

And I think this is, if the power goes out, that's when we're really forced to cooperate. And I don't want the power to go out. I want us to figure it out before that happens. I want us to take this plunge into the apocalypse and baby steps. Here's my question. Would you host a shitty game show

if it meant, hold on, if it meant giving money to people in need of money in this time? They go, hey, Joe, we want you to host Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. Hey, but why would I do that that way when I could do it right here? No, I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I would never do it anywhere else. No.

Yeah. No, I don't want a boss. You can't do it. I can't. Nothing you do you could do if someone was looking over your shoulder telling you what to do. Some corporate guy who just wants to make sure that he can keep paying his mortgage and funding his lifestyle. He's got a lot of experience producing television shows.

Just let me handle this stuff, and you do your job, and I'll do my job. Bert, we've got to have a talk. You drink too much, you're getting too fat, your belly's out all the time, and networks don't like it. The next thing you know, you're some fucking different thing. I can't do it. The next thing you know, you're some fucking different thing. I can't do it. This would be a travel channel. And I'm sure you appreciate the gig that you got at Travel Channel,

just like I appreciate the gig I got at Fear Factor. But it's not that it's not a great job. It is a great job. It's just like everything in life. If you have higher expectations of yourself, if you want to express yourself in the most accurate way, the best at being comfortable in your own skin, the only way you can do that is by yourself.

Yeah. You can't have some fucking giant bankrolled machine with hundreds of employees all with their job riding on whether or not you say the N word. Jesus, Bert! They're like, fuck! They would have lost their jobs. The screen, the TV, hundreds of people in the corporation.

Fuck! He's drunk! You can't rap lyrics! You can't! You can't say those words! Do you realize how many times if there was a corporation behind Bert Entertainment,

they would be like, what the fuck are you doing? Well, that's the irony, isn't it? The irony is look how successful it is without any of that intervention. If you just are yourself, if you just are authentic and that's what you are and that's why it works. That's why all podcasts work. They work precisely because there's not a machine behind them. Yeah.

There's not a giant corporation behind them that counts on them. They work because they're independent. That's the only way you get real people. The fucking thing that you get when you make people behave in this weird way, it's not a good thing. It's like you're not getting an accurate representation of what it is to be a person. You can't count. And they're just lying to you.

I mean, that's why politicians and political speeches are so strange. They almost universally act like no one you've ever met. Yeah. When they're doing those speeches, when they're standing in front of a podium, doing that thing with their thumb and doing their best Barack Obama impression, you're literally putting on an act. Yeah. You're putting on an act. I have no idea who you are. with their thumb and doing their best Barack Obama impression, you're literally putting on an act. Yeah.

You're putting on an act. I have no idea who you are. You might be a morning DJ from fucking Cincinnati. Hey, here we come. Coming at you with a hit. It's Kid Chris. 19 to 6. Here.

You're up to early people. You're the people getting it done. All right. I mean, how many of those guys were interchangeable? How many of those guys were interchangeable and you could put them in a strip club? They could be a strip club DJ. They could be a regular DJ. Top 40, there was a voice.

Now, when someone's talking in that voice, you have no idea what their real thoughts are. You have no idea. You have not a clue. And that's most of what we got with like the today show like if matt lauer had a podcast and it turned out that he was just a pig how great would that be people would be like i knew that guy was a pig they'd be like oh that would be so fucking awesome if he leaned into it well if he was just who he actually was Right like when you're doing a show like that like something like the today show One of the reasons why people are so angry is because you've been pretending you're this like wholesome character all this time. Yeah You've been pretending how great would it be if Matt Lauer did his Matt Lauer voice?

But he was talking about porn he jacked off to He's like is anyone seen tentacle porn and back right now from 8 o'clock hour. It's Matt Lauer., but he was talking about porn he jacked off to. He was like, has anyone seen Tentacle Porn? And back right now from 8 o'clock hour. It's Matt Lauer. We're going up again. Wouldn't it be better if you figured out how to not be that guy that you are on TV and just be who you are when the TV's off? I don't think he knew who he was ever. I think what defined Matt Lauer was being famous.

Ooh, you just hit a fucking nerve. It defined a lot of us getting into this business. And then I think a lot of it shifted. I think the good ones stuck to what they wanted to go, what they wanted to be. And I think a lot of people still just want to be famous. I think it just, it really- Well, you know why? One of the reasons why is because it's hard to be. What? It's hard to be famous. Yeah. So when there's a thing that's out there that's hard to get, like, how the fuck do I get that? You ever seen like some some people they're into like exclusive things

Yeah, you know you know I mean like you only want one like if there's only four of these bags in North America I've got to get it. Yeah, you know girls would get like certain bag shoes guys get shoes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Travis Scott Oh, yeah, there's a lot of dudes that are into Jordans. Like specific old school Jordans. I'm looking at you. Well, you're into sneakers. You're a sneaker head, right? Have you bought any sneakers since the pandemic?

About one pair last night. Oh, you are horrible. They're on sale for like a hundred bucks. I get it, man. I get it. I get it. I get it in some ways. But you were saying people that are into elite things correlating to famous people yeah it's hard to get that bag

and it's hard to get famous so when you're not famous it looks like a thing that would be cool to have like oh look look at this bitch walking on that red carpet god damn look at those shoes that bitch she paid $300,000 for that outfit look at her chain oh my god look at this look at that car she got out of that's a million dollar bugatti right there's something about it's hard to get man if you're driving

around town in a fucking 2001 honda accord and you see someone step out of a bugatti veyron that you know costs a million dollars like holy shit god shit. God damn, look at Gucci Mane. You know, there's certain things that you see that you just get like really jealous of, not because you would actually want them, but because they're so unattainable. And people fuck up with that. That's why girls get asses that are too big. They get crazy and they get this bizarre diaper ass with these little skinny legs and the

two things don't work together. Why? It's because they overshot the mark. You painted your house pink. Slow down. You had a bad idea and you ran with it. I think it looked good from here. Keep going.

Paint the whole fucking house. Paint that house. I saw some guy who built something on his house that was basically a fuck you to his neighbor. He built like a middle finger somehow. I forget what. Oh, it was three chimneys. He had three chimneys together like this to build like a fuck you to his neighbor. Because he hated his neighbor?

That is such a fucking investment to fuck you. I don't have that kind of money. See if you can find that guy. That is literally fuck you money. I think he got in trouble for it. I think maybe he like said something about it or something. Johnny Depp has a- Look at those fingers.

That's to you. I wrote that because I fucking hate you. Johnny Depp has a big gorilla flipping off his neighbor I think a gorilla like a huge fucking like 18 houses but he wanted he wanted the last one on the block oh there's someone who bought in the guy wouldn't sell that's right he owns like a whole block here's a whole block spent the night his house one time okay let's slow down. Oh. Dude, I have a voicemail from Johnny Depp I haven't deleted. I enjoy talking to him, man.

He is fucking, fucking awesome. I was drunk on margaritas in Hawaii, and Stan Hope put me on the phone with Johnny Depp. And I was like, man, how weird is my life? Dude. I'm sitting here talking to Johnny Depp while I'm hammered in a lawn chair In Hawaii Dude Him and Stan Hope called me one night And I let it go to voicemail I regret it so much

But I got it On voicemail But It's Johnny I'm with Doug You know me and Tom are working on a script With Johnny Depp Are you really?

Yeah Good Good for you We pitched it on the podcast And I was like And then all of a sudden everyone got interested and i was like fucking i'll write it i tell you what i enjoyed talking to him he's a very wise guy he's a he's a very when you when you talk to him he's there you know

he's a dude experiencing something that a small fraction of all the humans who have ever lived have been able to experience he's experienced fame on the most preposterous and staggering level imaginable and then he's experienced that it's almost like he owes people something so he's being held to these standards that that none of us would ever want our own lives to be held to and some weird fucking legal battle between who who did who to what to what happened and his recordings and all this chaos like god damn like living this out in the open like this it's all like this it's sad because you look at them in a different way because of that not when you watch the pirates movies he's brilliant he is so many so good in those movies like so good on so many levels that i've seen

them all and we just the first week of pandemia levels that I've seen them all, and we just, the first week of Pandemia, we just watched all of them all over again. Dude, Donnie Brasco. Donnie Brasco's fucking amazing. How good is he? He's so good. Blow. In Blow, he's fucking out of this world.

He's one of the best actors we've ever had. One of the best American actors that have ever existed, for sure. Without a doubt. And I'm telling you as someone who talks to crazy people all the time and talking to him he's as remarkably put together as you could ever expect a person to be that's as famous as he is he's a really good guy like you talk to him he's there he's talking he's just talking to you there's no you know he's there for you he's talking yeah he's a good guy he's just experiencing something no one is prepared

for. He's Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp? He's Johnny Depp. How many Johnny Depps are there? There's one bitch. There's one. There's one fucking Johnny Depp. There's seven billion people on this planet. He's experiencing some weird shit. You know? He's not a bad guy. Dude, Edward Scissorhands.

Dude, he's done everything. I mean mean that guy is movies is he done how many movies that let's ballpark it I'm gonna say 50 yeah I think you're right I'd say I'd say he's very more for like wasn't that 21 Jump Street or not yeah yeah 21 Jump Street fame was he on fame here's I don't know about that I'm gonna live forever I'm gonna live forever. I'm gonna learn how to fly high.

I'm gonna make it to heaven. Yeah, he got killed in Freddy Krueger. Oh, he got killed in Freddy Krueger? Yeah, he got his head pulled through a thing, right? Isn't that funny? And he comes back and he's like, let's find a way to have a guy with claws for fingers, but he's a nice guy.

That Edward Scissorhands after he got killed by the worst guy with claws for fingers. Dude. There's three guys historically in film with claws for fingers. Wolverine. But his was different because they came out of his knuckles, right? They always confuse me because they get broken off but still came back. But Freddie had them on his fingers.

Look at him. God damn. My God, look at that belly. Amazing that he came together so well. That's a fucking team belly. He was beautiful. He was a beautiful man. Like, that's not a normal development.

Congratulations to him for making it to be as normal as he is. So he's with this guy, who is one of the worst, with the claws or fingers, and then he becomes Edward Scissorhands, who's just kind of confused. What a stretch as a character, too, to play that as this, like, confused...

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. My nickname in college was Edward Penislips. You know another weird thing that he did? You know what I really enjoyed? What? The Lone Ranger. The more recent Lone Ranger. I never saw it. He played a Comanche.

This is like... I kind of got into this when I was reading Empire of the Summer Moon. It's a book about Comanches. I bought it on audiobook's amazing yeah i say reading i'm lying i listened to an audiobook too but then i started reading things about it online and one of the things i started reading about it is that johnny depp played a comanche in this movie and actually like did some weird shit like he had like a stuffed bird on his head which apparently some of the comanches and some different indian tribes would actually do.

Like Crazy Horse even did that. He had a stuffed hawk on his head. But he played this really weird character, man. Tonto. Yeah, but it was a really weird Tonto. It was out there Tonto. It wasn't the – Yeah, it was like super fucking natural spiritual Tonto

who brings the Lone Ranger back from the dead. He brings it back from the dead in that movie. But it's a dope movie, but you're interested in it because of Johnny Depp. I mean, the character's so ridiculous, this Native American guy that brings someone back to the dead, but Johnny Depp plays it so hardcore. He plays it so to the bone that it's like you really believe that this guy brought him back from the dead. That it's like, you really believe that this guy brought him back from the dead. That Tonto, the original Tonto.

Is bullshit. Got in a lot of fucking trouble towards the end of his life for playing red face. Oh, did he? Yeah, they called it his red face. It's like he was shunned. Wait a minute, is he not really Native American? I think he was. Is that what you're saying? Or is it that he was Native American, but that he played Native American in movies?

I'm a little high. I think he's Mexican. Oh, no. How dare—well, he looks Mexican. Well, maybe he's like part Mexican, part Native American. Well, here's the thing. The fact is that he talked like, oh, me so horny. Not me so horny, but you know.

Me so horny. Fuck, that's me being— That's hilarious. Here's the chimney thing. Yeah, there it is. It was a cactus on the side of a house. That's it. It's his chimney.

Oh, nice. Did you find Johnny Depp's? The outside of it is cactus? No, that's a cactus. It was like painted to look like a cactus. Oh, you said it was in a chimney. Correct, yeah. Oh, so it's just cactus?

It's found to be true, though. He did this to piss off the councilman neighbor or something like that. Yeah, he didn't like them. But I'd be like, my God, this guy's hilarious. Imagine the amount of effort he put into. Look at that, right in his backyard. So ridiculous. And that's a councilman, that's why?

Yeah. And so that's why he brought it up. That's his Trisant effect. Utah, yeah. More people are going to pay attention. That guy hates you. See if you can find Johnny Depp's gorilla. He has a gorilla?

A gorilla. I think I saw it. He owns a gorilla? No, no, no. Like a big inflatable gorilla fucking flipping off his neighbor. I think I touched it. Damn, how much do you drink? There it is.

There it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What does it say? Johnny Depp and his home gorilla. I was pretty wasted when I touched it. Damn, how much do you drink? There it is. There it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What does it say? Johnny Depp and his home. I was pretty wasted when I was there. Gorilla and congratulatory for. So he has this sculpture in his yard. Right into his neighbor's backyard because he wanted to buy the house and they wouldn't sell it.

Well, he needs to let that go. I love his hats. Be a good neighbor. I love his hats. He's a guy who can pull off hats. Great jawline. It's almost like he's apologizing for being so good looking so he dresses goofy. I would love to get to that place where I started wearing fucking outrageous outfits.

You could do that. Just lose a lot of weight. Like from here on out. What if you come out of this better than anybody? Like let's, maybe that's one thing we should do. What's that? Maybe all of us should get together and have a quarantine challenge. Maybe we should get together.

Right. Yeah. While this is all going down. It's like you're playing with my balls under the table with your foot. Come on, man. What'd you say? It's open-ended. Open-ended.

We have no idea. What, are you scared of an end? No. I'm not scared of a finish line. I'm so into this. Yes. You know this is how my brain works. I'm thinking, like, for all of us, like, what better way to turn this into a positive than

to, like, just make some sort of healthy competition out of it, a la Sober October. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. Yeah. Yeah. I gave myself a break tonight, today with booze. I brought weed just in case.

Listen, we're doing a podcast, bro. Yeah. I'm sure you got a big comedy special out on Netflix. We got to have fun. It was a success. We did exactly what I wanted us to do. This is perfect, dude. Perfect.

Everything I, everything, if you had told me in college, hey man, you know that guy on news radio? You're going to party with that dude. I'd be like, fucking, do I have to fuck him? And he's like, not Andy Dick, not Andy Dick. It's Joe Rogan. Hilarious. I mean, this is like not any dick Andy dick. It's Joe Rogan hilarious, I Mean this is like my life's worked out pretty good

Oh all of our lives have man, you know for me to be me is one of the weirdest things to you know That I could wrap my head around I'm a hard time wrapping my head around it all the time I'm do you like and I not to draw back to this but like it brings back perspective of like, like, honestly, just like how fucking lucky we are. And like, when I think immediately I go wait staff at the fucking store. You gotta, you gotta help, man. Like, I'm like overwhelmed by that. We need to do like a comic relief or something big on our platforms that we can do where we can raise money.

We could definitely do that. We should definitely donate as well. I'm donating. I'm waiting for them to set something up, but I think we should continue to donate. And I think that particularly with the people that we have a system of all of us. There's the wait staff. There's the management staff.

There's the kitchen staff and all these places, and they've all taken a big hit. And it's far worse for them than it would be for the same amount of money for us. So I think we could pick up some slack. Yeah. I think if we all do that together and we figured out, like, a good system within all the clubs, we could keep everybody okay. I think that's doable. I don't think that's bad.

I think that would be great for all of us. I think it would be great for all of us as a community. We'll realize, okay, we can all chip in. We can help each other. I have a lot of meat that I've been giving out. A lot of my comedian friends. I'll be taking some of that. Yeah, man.

It's the best. That makes me real happy to be able to do that. You know, the girls and I got into bow and arrows. Good. Beautiful. Do you have a target in your yard? In the new house, yeah. Beautiful. We're not going to be able to rebuild the new house anymore, but

we got a great backyard. You can always go there and use the backyard from your old house. We use the backyard for the new house and we live in the old house. You know, it's not going to last forever, and this is going to be a, I hope not at least, this is going to be a opportunity.

This is the best thing you can say it's an opportunity for us no one can say it's going to be this or it's going to be that and I've heard a lot of people that try to either comfort people or they try to push their point across almost as if they can win this argument

then it's more likely to be true and it's comforting in some sort of a weird way but no one knows. No one knew four months ago. No one knew four months ago that four months later we'd be here. No one. Zero people knew that. So if we didn't know that, we don't know what's coming in four months from now.

It can compound. This is still right now, even in quarantine, the best time that humans have ever had ever on earth you know obviously not for the people that are the victims of the disease but we can be okay coming out of this and it could be a wake-up call for people to stop living these lives that are unsatisfying and and and you know and figure out a way where we um stop chasing bullshit it's my whole fucking life stop chasing bullshit it's amazing my whole fucking life. Stop chasing bullshit. It's amazing, man. Just perspective.

And I think, I don't know, if I walk away with any fucking perspective, then I'm a better man, I think. Because, man, I was on the tour every week, every week, fucking burn it. I remember, like, I keep going back to this conversation with Ali Wong. She's like, you're touring like it's going away.

And I was like, yeah, right? That's such an Ali Wong way of putting it. She pulled me aside in the hallway in front of the OR and goes, hey, you're touring a lot, huh? And I went, yeah, yeah. And she goes, yeah, you're touring like it's going away. That's hilarious. I go, yeah. Ultimately, you were right.

You should call her up. See? This is what I was I go, yeah. Ultimately, you were right. You should call her up. See? This is what I was talking about, lady. It fucking did go away. It's gone, Allie. Where the fuck? It's gone, Allie. It might be gone for six goddamn months.

We have no idea. I mean, I don't know. I mean, they might have. I mean, I literally know nothing about when the window of a vaccine is. I've heard elaborate numbers from 12 months to 18 months. I do not know. I've heard all sorts of different stuff about promising medications, and this is within the first couple months.

Do not know. There might be something they come up with in a month or two. Who knows? Do not know. The cool thing about the news cycle is waiting for hope like waiting for like to get online and get excited and go oh break through today or but that's where like you goddamn man once the shit goes sideways that's when you need a really good leader you really do yeah you need someone who is honest when all the bullshit away, when everyone's worried about an invisible monster that wants to kill your grandma,

wants to sneak into her lungs and shut them down. When people are worried about that kind of shit, you really want someone who has their character in order. You know, and this is one of the things that we should really take deeply into consideration when we talk about someone being a president or any any politician anyone who's a leader how are they how are they going to react when shit goes sideways how are they going to keep it together are they going to make you feel good about this the reality of this world or are they going to just freak you out with bullshit? Are they going to make you feel less connected to it

because you know that their words are not honest and that they're not accurate and they're not heartfelt? It's just spitting out bullshit. And you're like, fuck, this goddamn car is going sideways down the highway and no one knows what to do. That's why we need to vote for The Rock. I'd vote for him. I'd vote for him.

San Andreas. I would get behind him 100%. I would. I'm all in for The Rock. As good as he is about everything else in life, he'd be great a president. But no one should be president. Yeah, but The Rock could. What you need is a figurehead to let you know how today is going to work out.

Yeah. Like you said, those inspirational speeches mean a lot. Yeah. And The Rock could give us every morning from the Iron Jungle just like, guys, big day of legs. Hey, listen, the economy is doing good. Yeah, but right now everyone loves The Rock. If he became president, 40% of the people would immediately start hating him.

No. Yes. 100%. No, no, no, no. 100%, bro. Unify the country. Impossible. Can't be done.

We love it. Oh, they, no. 100%, bro. Unify the country. Impossible. Can't be done. We love it. Oh, they start digging into his past? Oh, I'd love to know what's in The Rock's past. Just be mean. Talk about how dumb he is. He doesn't read. He doesn't do this. Yeah, he's got biceps.

Say a bunch of mean shit to him and then attribute to his decisions what the economy's doing and what this is doing and that. A guy like that, why would he do that? When he can just keep doing Jumanji movies and everybody loves them Jumanji movies are so fucking good Aquafina in the latest one Aquafina was the fucking home run. Yeah, but she came hilarious dude I texted her like oh, you know her that well and why kind of someone's the name-dropping no no no I Called her out on like Instagram going. Hey, this is fucking amazing. Awkwafina's amazing. My daughters love Awkwafina. Love her.

She replied. She was like, hey, thank you. Dude, when she played Danny DeVito. Amazing! Stole the fucking like, I'm sitting here watching Kevin Hart doing a Jewish accent going, what the fuck's going on? When Awkwafina came in, I went I got chill bumps. She even had a Danny DeVito slump

that she was walking around with. She stole the movie at that point. But dude, The Rock, when The Rock goes off-brand and he goes, listen, you weak-ass bitches. Listen, motherfuckers. I get my heart skips a beat when he pours a tequila and you're like, wait, it's the middle of the afternoon. This is why I love The Rock.

Yeah. No, he's, uh, when he was playing Danny DeVito, it was hilarious. Dude, they were, oh, that's right. Kevin Hart was playing Danny DeVito, it was hilarious. Dude, they were... Oh, that's right. Kevin Hart was playing a lethal weapon. Danny Glover. Danny Glover. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kevin Hart's funny as fuck. Yeah. And The Rock was playing Danny DeVito. So ridiculous. Dude, those Jumanji movies do not let down. The second one was just as good, if not better, than the first one. The first one, Ice came out of the movie theater, and I said, girls, this is the best movie you'll ever see in your entire life.

I'm 47 years old. You'll never see a better one than this. It was a perfect movie that you could take your family to. And the second one was the same way. It's a great movie. If you're looking for a family movie to watch on lockdown right now and you haven't seen Jumanji 2, it's excellent. It's really good.

It's fun, man. Kevin Hart is a talent He's a special talent so and that redhead who throws kicks that chick is badass Gorgeous and Jack Black's back. He's a fucking it's fun to watch him be Not something other than Jack like what he's good at the dude who plays a football player fridge. He's awesome. Yeah Yeah, the the Instagram influencer she uh, it a great cast, man. It's an amazing fucking movie. Yeah. It's funny to know Kevin Hart.

Like my daughter the other day said something about Kevin Hart. And I said something. She goes, well, you act like you know him. I go, yeah. Yeah, I know Kevin. She goes, you don't know Kevin Hart. I go, the fuck? I don't know Kevin Hart.

I know everyone. Like, what are you talking about? Do you know Kevin Hart's brother is like a legit professional pool player? Kevin Hart's brother is in the front row at the DC Improv one night. And I'm making jokes. I'm talking some fucking horrible joke. And he's laughing hard. And I say, you look like fucking, you look like a dirty ass Kevin Hart or something.

And he goes, I'm his brother. And I went, sure you are. And he goes, no, I'm his fucking brother. I go, no, you're not. And he goes, I'm his fucking brother. He pulls out his idea. I go, oh, fuck, he's his brother. I told him all the Kevin Hart stories I had.

He's a legit professional pool player. For real? Yeah, like really good. Yeah, I watched videos of him play. And I was like, oh, this guy plays like a pro. Like he plays like if you're watching like any like real professional play, if you ever catch ESPN nine ball events like Johnny Archer playing Earl Strickland or Shane Van Boning. He plays like those guys.

Like legitimately. Really? Plays like a pro. Yeah, I watched him play. I was like, oh, he's like a real pro. Wow. Did you watch that documentary Don't Fuck This Up with Kevin Hart? No, I didn't.

He had like legit back surgery. Yeah. Like cut down his spine. What did they have to do? I don't know. I drove by the fucking accident driving to work one day. Yeah, that's back surgery. Yeah. Like cut down his spine. What did they have to do? I don't know. I drove by the fucking accident driving to work one day. Yeah, that's his brother. Yeah.

His brother plays really good. Like really good. Like as a person who's been playing pool, I've been playing pool for almost 30 years. When I watch him play, I was like, I'm like, oh, okay. He's like, like watch this. He's doing this drill. Watch, he's going across and he's making room for the ball to the other side. Oh, his brother's legit good. Oh, yeah, okay. He's like, watch this. He's doing this drill. Watch, he's going across, and he's making room for the ball to the other side. Oh, his brother's legit good.

Oh, yeah, no, like a real professional pool player. And he has these, like, videos that he'll put out of instructional drills, like he's doing right here. This is a positional drill that he's doing to try to get in line for each ball. That's a great placement. Well, he fucked up here. This is a positional drill that he's doing to try to get in line for each ball. Well, he fucked up here. Oh, he goes the other way. Once you pass the side pocket, then you go the other way. Oh, that's interesting.

So the whole idea is just drilling, cutting balls in off the rails. It's very difficult to do. And he's doing it like Mika Eminen or someone like that. Like a real professional. He's's really good like I watched him play and I said Kevin a text message I go dude your brother is fucking legit like he's a real pool play his brother is legit holy shit yeah dude he's really good like he's a guy that like looks like he could win like he's playing

Darren Appleton Darren Appleton is like he was a top snooker player in England, and then came over. He played American. Actually, I think he played English 8-ball, too. But then he came over to America and started dominating in pool. And so that guy's playing guys like that. So Kevin Hart's brother is playing top-notch world beaters in pool tournaments. Whatever their dad did is good.

Created two fucking monsters. Oh, their mom. Oh, I think they both cried. You like how I. Sex is a piece of shit. It's just the dad's cum that did everything. No, no, no. It's the dad ignoring them all through their childhood.

Isn't it funny that men always think that? Whatever, his dad. His daddy issues. It's all daddy issues. Good genes. His dad must have been a fucking savage. We all do that, though. It's all dad issues. That's why you succeed.

It's because you want to please your dad, I think. I don't know. That kid could be. That could be. Whenever we try to make your motivation for anything or your reason for success a binary thing, a one or a zero, it's like there's a lot of factors. A lot of factors. Heartbreak could lead people to success. Some guys get their heart broken.

That's me. And they just go, oh, okay, I'm going to show you. Time to teach everyone who didn't want to fuck me that they wanted to fuck me and they didn go, oh, okay, I'm going to show you. Time to teach everyone who didn't want to fuck me that they wanted to fuck me and they didn't know it. Or time to teach someone who says that you're a loser, someone who used to love and they chastise you and say you're a loser and you're like, oh, you think so? Okay, well, I'll check in with you in about six years

and we'll see how this works out. There's girls I want to give trophies to. Trophies? And go like, hey, man, you did it it you told me i wasn't gonna make it and i want to thank you so much people can do that to people you know in those emotional moments like i said the most mean shit because they know that it's gonna hurt but sometimes it works that's the thing about stuff like fat shaming sometimes Sometimes it works. I didn't even know I was fat until Tom told me I was fat.

I thought I was good looking. I swear to God, I look at those videos, I go. That's hilarious. Like, I'm fine. I thought I was perfect. I was like, I don't know what you're talking about. I grew a beard. I can't see it anymore.

Yeah. It's funny. Like, fat shaming feels bad. But sometimes you have to feel bad to make changes. So sometimes fat shaming can be like the most valuable thing anybody could ever do to you. But you don't want anybody to do it to anybody. I don't want anybody to do it to me. I don't want to do it to anybody.

However, it's very valuable. If it happens. If it happens, it helps. It's like gold that can make you rich, but it can also burn your hand. Should you pick it up? I think you probably should. You'll heal from the burn. I listen to this app when I run.

It's called Aptiv, and there's this guy, Akeem. And he'll sometimes, his coaching, we were talking about coaching. My wife's losing weight because she's got a trainer. Sometimes coaching can get to the heart of what you need. And there's a part of this fucking run I do with a team where he goes, you know, all those people that talk shit about you. And I go,

Tommy, tell them they're wrong. I go, Tommy, he goes, then push it. This next one. I always crank it up a little higher.

I go, do you have any regret for underperforming in the sober October? Do you have any, any, why didn't you, why didn't you get after it earlier? I couldn't. I never could. I never could. It fucked with my head.

My OCD fucked up. Every time. Every time it fucked my head up. But there was so much trash talking. Everybody wanted to beat you. Everybody just wanted to get ahead of you. I got so overwhelmed by our Sober Octobers. So overwhelmed. The first one was easy. I got so overwhelmed by our Sober Octobers, like so overwhelmed that it would like –

The first one was easy. At one point, Tom talked me off a ledge and he goes, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Remember, you're just a comedian. I went, for real? And he goes, you are not an athlete. You're just Bert and you're a comedian. Don't lose sight of that. Because I would get like – I would get over fucking whelmed.

First Sober October, easy peasy. We all did 15 Sober, whatchamacallits, hot yogas. Yeah. Easy. Easy. What happened was the next one I rolled into like no big thing. And you did a hike with Marshall. And I did a hike without a dog.

And I pretended I lost my dog. But the whole joke was that I lost my dog. But I was like, Joe, you do one mile, I do two. You do two miles, I do four. And then I was like, I'm here with my dog Priscilla. Priscilla, Priscilla. And then I pretended to lose Priscilla, right? It was a joke.

And that's when I watched the fire ignite in you that I hadn't seen since high school. And I was like, oh fuck. And then I started getting like overwhelmed. And I wasn't sleeping. I was like getting up to run. And my sciatica was hurting. It was like getting up to run and I my Sciatica was hurting. It was like it was so fucking aggressive that like all the fun that I rolled into

When when Tom and I did the weight loss challenge and I just drank the whole time and lost like 40 pounds all that fun Got so lost in the sobrangtober. I was like I gotta fucking win man. I gotta fucking win Yeah, I haven't experienced anything like that since I was about 20 to 21 years old. That was the last time I experienced that kind of obsession with something physical. It leaked into the marathon. We were in here talking about the marathon. marathon like we were in here talking about the marathon and then all of a sudden i look i mean me and tom and ari were at the road uh the ncaa championship game for the you know payoff i was like i entered the la marathon and tom goes why i said i'm gonna run a marathon and he goes you

don't have to and i went i already decided you don't have to that's such a tom thing he's like he's like yeah you don't have to i don't know why you're doing it and i said because you guys said i couldn't and he goes no no we don't care and i was like i a dumb thing to say. He's like, yeah, you don't have to. I don't know why you're doing it. And I said, because you guys said I couldn't. And he goes, no, no, we don't care. And I was like, I'm going to do it. Like, I was lost. Yeah. I ran the LA Marathon. I remember, but there's an attachment I have to whatever that focus is where I go, I do

it for specials where I get so dialed in. It's really unhealthy. But it's not because that's how you create something great. Like, when you do a special, I know how much energy you put into it and how much you think about it. You have to. You have to get obsessed. Obsessed. Yeah, you have to.

Because I go, with this special, I was like, I don't want to be the guy that does the same special three times in a row. I want to grow. I want to create. I want to show like my big fucking white whale like, that Starbucks bit I do where I go, do you see that one where I mention your name? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I go, that's, for me, and this is, like, way overthinking it, it's guy walks into a bar. Right, right, right.

It was an homage to an old school joke, but present in my, the way I tell stories. Yeah, yeah. And it defines me laughing at jokes, and it calls my friends. It was, like, my favorite joke I've ever written. I love. But that obsession is not healthy, man. It's not healthy to be a regular dude. It's not that it's not healthy.

I don't agree with that. I just think it has to be balanced out. But I think it is healthy because you know that like that bit when it came out, it was fucking killer. Thank you. It needed that, you know, it needed all that obsession for it to grow that's how a bit that's a great bit we have a bit that you really enjoy it really cracks when you get up there and people really laugh hard it's hard to make one of those and i think there's there it's it's worth it

for you giving into that obsession so that the audience can experience like a really well crafted really rocking joke. It's fun. There's no other way to make them, man. I can't. I don't know another way. Dude, I don't think there is another way.

Every special that I've ever put out, I've always fucking hated immediately afterwards. Didn't know what I was doing while I was doing it. I just can't believe people like this crap. When you edit it, man, you sit and listen to it for hours and hours and hours. You fucking hate it by the time it's over. Josh Potter said to, or Nadav, for Two Bears, One Cave, our guy, goes, hey, man, I loved your special. And I went, really?

He goes, it's brilliant, man. Your gun bit's awesome. And Josh Potter's like, your gun bit's awesome. And I'm looking at Tom. I go, Tom, did you think it was awesome? He goes, we all thought it was awesome. And I'm looking at Tom. I go, Tom, did you think it was awesome? He goes, we all thought it was awesome. And I was like, for reals? Like, dude.

I know you hate it because you see it too much. God. You've got to realize, if you're seeing a special over and over and over and over and over again, all the surprise is gone, right? So you're just analyzing the mechanics of the bits. And maybe I did this one better in the first show, but that one better in the second show. But you're not experiencing what it's like to not know where you're going. The audience is the only one that gets to experience that.

So it's so hard for you to get a – and then the one thing I always say, and I'm going to say it again because it's just true. I know what you're going to say. When you're in the audience watching a special, you're getting 100%. If you're at home watching on Netflix, you might get 70. I don't think you really get 70. You probably get 60. You probably get 60% of what it's like to be in the room. Because as a human, there's something about laughing in a room full of 2,000 other people

that are laughing. And you're a little buzzed. You're like, bah! Dude. You get on stage. You take your shirt off. And they go, yeah! And everybody's into it.

It's a big part of what stand-up comedy is, is doing it. So you're almost just getting a reference point. It's like Google Maps when you're watching it in real life or watching it on YouTube or something like that or watching it on Netflix. It's like Google Maps because it's not like being there. Like if you stood there on the ground, you're like, oh, this looks different on the ground. Like you hiked in. You're like, oh, okay, the mountain's this way.

And I was looking at Google Maps. I couldn't tell because I'm looking down on this thing. That's what it's like when you're in the audience of a comedy club is like being there versus watching it on Netflix, which is like Google Maps. It a comedy club is like being there versus watching it on Netflix, which is like Google Maps. It's way better than not being there. Google Maps is dope. You can go visit the fucking rainforest.

You just go look in there, spread it out, moving around. Look at that. Get pictures. What the fucking ground looks like from the sky. But it's not going to be like going to the Amazon. That's what one of the obsessions I had with my last, not this one, the last one was I had one experience with Tig. Tig Notaro?

Tig Notaro, man. Taught me one of the biggest lessons I ever learned in stand-up. We did premium blend together, and she went first, and she for the first time in her life probably sucked a dick, like literally sucked a dick, Was so bad on stage. And she'll admit it. She'll admit it. And I went up after her and I murdered.

I, 1,300 people, I murdered. I watched the taping. Tig destroyed. Because her jokes were amazing. She didn't play for the room. She played for the people in the audience, the people on television. And I went, that's so interesting.

Here I am, like, raising my voice,, like going like, what's up UCLA? Like everyone at home is like, dude, dial your shit down. I learned so much after watching Tig that I went, don't play for the people in the room. Play for them in the room, but make sure, be cognizant that you're making this for a television show. I don't know whether she meant to do that on purpose or not, but man, I watched her settle on that premium blend and she murdered and I bombed on TV. And I was like, yeah, don't go in and go, what's up, Jacksonville?

Wait a minute. So you murdered in person but bombed on TV? Bombed on TV because my energy was so high. But if you murdered in person? Because it was 1,300 people. Who convinced you that you bombed on TV? Did you convince yourself? You can pull up that premium blind set.

But you did well in front of the crowd. In front of the crowd, but I was playing louder on the mic. Did you smoke too much weed today? I might have. You're making no sense. I just had a good Tig Notaro sucking dick joke. I was trying to slide it. I understand what you just did there.

Congratulations on that. Thank you. Especially in this era. I wonder if people are going to get less concerned about politically correct things. Oh, yeah. Do you think that, like,

Jamie and I were talking about gender pronouns. They're like, call me whatever you want to call me as long as you have toilet paper. Yeah, let's just be nice

to each other and fucking relax. I think that's part of what we're going through as a culture, the outrage culture, is because there wasn't anything real to fight against. No.

There was nothing real that was a real problem as opposed to every other single era of humanity, which is filled with strife and trouble. Dude. This is the only one. Look at guns. The gun control shit, that's not a conversation anymore. It's out the window. Hey, thanks.

I know so many left-wing people lining up to buy guns now. Oh, everyone. Yes, including my friend's wives who used to get mad. If they even heard talk about guns, they would get mad. And now they're asking the husband to go get a gun. No bullshit. No bullshit. They're asking me about what kind of gun, what do you have, where do you keep it, that kind of shit.

Like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Dude, so that's off the board. Like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Dude. So that's off the board. Yeah, that's off the board. People, listen, once refrigeration goes, that's when you see what's up. Once power goes, that's when you see what's up. We live in a ridiculous way. We live in a way that's only sustainable if the super fragile system stays in place.

I mean, it's robust in terms that it handles millions and millions of people, but it's fragile in the sense that one gigantic solar flare could wipe it out, one earthquake could wipe it out, power surges, something crazy that, you know, an asteroid shower that hits Earth wipes out everything. Yeah. We're not sustainable. We're only sustainable under certain conditions,

and a big part of those conditions is the power grid. I wonder how much this is going to change the way people behave, meaning gardens, chickens, rabbits. We should have community, a little patch of garden in every community. Just have an area. You have five houses, have one empty lot. For five houses. That would be brilliant.

Brilliant, right? One empty lot the size of a lot that a house would be built on, and then you just grow vegetables and have chickens. Even if you're a vegetarian, folks, listen to me. Chickens, you don't hurt them when you eat their eggs. There's no hurting them at all. If you're feeding them well, their eggs will be nutritious. They're real easy.

As long as there's no coyotes around, that's the number one problem that I have is coyotes would target the chickens. But other than that, you just let them go out in the yard, man. They find bugs to eat and worms to eat, and then their eggs are delicious, and you're not hurting them. And they prefer being in the chicken coop. They go in the chicken coop for safety. You shut them in there. You let them out in the chicken coop. They go in the chicken coop for safety. You shut them in there. You let them out in the morning. They were like my little friends.

The best thing your wife ever did in my entire life affecting me was convince my wife to get chickens. Dude, because you get healthy food almost every day. You get several eggs. Like we had at a high point, we had 22 chickens. And we would get like 10 eggs a day. Every day, 10 eggs. And I'd eat six eggs for breakfast.

Really good. Delicious. Just fucking nutrient rich. Protein rich. And no one gets hurt. I got double yolks one time. My favorite in the world. The problem is if you want more chickens, then you're going to have to have a rooster.

Roosters are cocksuckers. They're assholes. They scream in the morning. They wake up everybody. They piss off your neighbors. Everybody wants them dead. Dude, a chicken laying an egg is loud. Yeah.

I had David Tello, my man cave doing a podcast with Tommy, and a chicken started laying. It's really aggressive. It's weird. And Tello goes, where the fuck are we? Go out of our own village? I want to hear his new set about this. Can you imagine if humans did something like that where every day a fucking egg came out of your twat? And we could eat it?

It would be so ridiculous. Because chickens can eat their own eggs, too. And you have to keep them from finding that out. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If they find out, they'll start pecking eggs. Especially eggs that aren't theirs. Yeah.

Yeah, so if an egg falls and breaks, you've got to be really careful that the chickens don't find out about it. Because once they find, look, they're little dinosaurs, bro. Oh, yeah. Little dinosaurs. You know, one of them tried to bite my youngest daughter when she was, she was very young at the time. I want to say she was somewhere in the neighborhood of four or five when this chicken started pecking her toes. And my wife is like, oh, she probably thinks her toe is a worm. I go, no, she's trying to eat the baby.

That fucking cunt chicken is trying to eat the baby. She doesn't think she's a worm. How come she doesn't think I'm a fucking worm? She just thinks that that thing is slow enough and young enough, she might be able to eat it. Because chickens can tell when things are vulnerable. They're little predators, man. You've seen chickens with mice before, right?

Yeah. Have you ever seen them in real life with a mouse? No, not in real life. I've seen it several times. Rats run amok in our chicken coop. Yeah, but those chickens will turn on that rat if they can catch him. If they can catch that motherfucker in a corner, they'll tear him apart. Yeah.

I've been thinking about hunting rats with my pellet gun. Well, rats, anywhere you live in California where there's hills and people, you're infested. And fruit trees. Yeah. We have an orange tree in our backyard, and it's fucking infested. It's just garbage cans on a regular basis. Garbage cans outside. And ways inside.

The thing you find a way inside your house. I used to live in Encino. I had a place that I was renting that was totally infested with rats. It was foul, man. They were big rats. You hear them running around in the fucking inside the walls. Also, I set a trap once and I went out. I saw there was a rat and I was lazy, so I went back to bed.

I'm like, I'll clean it in the morning. I went out there in the morning. They'd eaten it The rats had eaten it the rats had eaten the other rat It was a big rat too, dude a big fat boy like a pregnant squirrel like a fat rat a big rat and this rat trap killed him I was like Holy shit, but I was tired. I was like Gonna be at the set in the morning So I left that rat in there. I went out in the morning to go look at I was like, I got to be at the set in the morning. So I left that rat in there.

I went out in the morning to go look at it. I was like, oh, shit. I had a whole wild menagerie in my house at that time when you think about it. I got rats eating each other in the garage. I got a feral cat that I'm locked in a room with. I got two pit bulls. I got a fluffball cat. I was surrounded with weird animals.

I think about it. I got a fluff ball cat. I was surrounded with weird animals. I remember hearing you talk about those times where you'd come home and the dogs would have fought over something. That happened twice. Came home and the dogs tore each other apart. It was horrible. What drew you to those? It was one female that I got from the pound that I got because of Brian Callen. Brian Callen called me up. He's like, dude, you got to see this little puppy pit bull.

She's so adorable. You're going to see her. You're going to fall in love with her. You got to see her. He was at the LA Animal Shelter. I'm like, God damn it. I'm like, okay. So I went down there.

I was a moron, you know? So I went down there and I saw this little thing and she was trapped in the LA Animal Shelter, at least at the time. The place that I'm thinking about, I'm not sure if I'm getting the name right, was a. And the L.A. Animal Shelter, at least at the time, the place that I'm thinking about, I'm not sure if I'm getting the name right, was a no-kill shelter. So they operated on donations. They'd keep an animal alive for a long time.

So she had been inside this place for several months and she was really kind of weirded out by being in jail for that long and not getting a lot of human contact. And so when I took her home and I would pet her and love her, she would get really aggressive with the other dogs to keep them away from her because she didn't get enough love when she was younger.

So now that she's finally getting love, love was so valuable that other dogs, she didn't think of other dogs as being her friends. She thought of them as love thieves. So they would come near her. Yeah. So there was a couple different instances that happened, and one of them happened when the pool guy had apparently come over. And then the pool guy was petting both dogs, and one dog attacked my female, my little female, attacked the bigger male to keep him away from getting petted.

She didn't want him to be pet. Wow. She wanted all the pets. Yeah. It was just a matter of, look, and I had a bit about it that I did for a little bit, but it's basically I had a prison dog. I mean, I brought home a prison dog. This dog had been a prisoner for a giant chunk of its little life, and by the time I got

it home, it just was not tolerating any bullshit, and it had this attitude no matter what. You couldn't, it loved people. No fear at all about it being mean to people, but around other dogs, it was very dangerous. Very dangerous. He never knew. It just, it thought of other dogs as being thieves. You know, it thought of love as being

like a very valuable commodity and other dogs as stealing her love. God, man, that's crazy. Yeah, because my other two dogs were not like that at all. One of them, I had him since he was a puppy, and the other one, I got her right around the time that he was a puppy, and she was only maybe a year old herself, and she was another rescue dog I got, and they were like best friends.

So they were fun together. How many dogs have you had in total? Five at one time. I had five at one time all together. It was madness. You had five at one time? So much barking. What are you, Whitney Cummings?

Dude, I love dogs, man. I love dogs. Whitney loves dogs. I love them. If I could have 20 dogs, I'd have 20 dogs. But it's not fair for the dog. Dogs need, you know, they're like family members, man. They need love.

Yeah. And that's like this dog Marshall is different than any dog I've ever had because there's zero challenging in him. He's not barking at anybody. He's not growling ever. He's growling like to play. I could come up to you with like a toy in his mouth like, and I'm like, dude, you got that toy.

What do you got? But his tail's wagging. like there's no aggression to him. He's just all love. What was the thought behind the German Shepherd? Or a gold retriever? Well, I never had one before, but I heard they're great dogs. I've always heard they're really good family dogs. I had a lab, a black lab, Abigail, which was fucking the greatest dog.

They're so smart. She dived to the bottom of the pool and grabbed rings Yeah, I mean those are dogs that people used to hunt ducks. You know those kind of dogs There's task oriented dogs you could teach them to do things Yeah, like Marshall whenever he comes over to like like in the morning. I'll get up in the morning and I'll say what's up Bro, what's up? He's like, whoo? He always grabs a toy always brags grabs a toy and brings to you. Like he never just comes to you and pets you. He comes to you and shows you a toy that he's got because his genes are

retrievers. So it's like a bird hunting dog. Like someone would shoot a pheasant or something like that. And he would grab it and bring it back or whatever, whatever bird it was. And that's, that's like what he's doing. And he holds it in his mouth and brings it to you to show you like you

rarely tears his toys apart. Super soft mouths. Yeah. They have super soft mouths. Yeah, they just carry him around. He's the sweetest. Does he go swimming yet? All the time, bro. I want to get my Izzy as our new bullmastiff. I want to get her in the pool because you can tell she wants it. How old is she? Six months, seven months. You got to get her in soon.

Yeah. You got to get her in soon. Priscilla fell in the pool this whole fuck. And does she know how to swim? Yeah, she got out, but we didn't know she fell in. She just came in, and you could see this in this dog's eyes, like, just, you have no fucking idea what happened. Soaking wet, and we're like, how did you get wet? And then you see she fell in off the steps and then found her way out. But, man, you think, you've got to teach the dog the way out of the pool.

Yeah, so you've got to teach him the way out of the pool, and hopefully you've got to have a dog-friendly pool. There's more than one ladder somewhere. You don't want to have a pool where you have to take the dog out yourself. No. Yeah, those are not good. It's hard for dogs, too, when they get their paws up on the concrete to get their whole body up. It's not easy.

It's not easy for them like it is for us. You get your hands on the concrete on the side anywhere, you can just push yourself up and you sit on the side a dog can't do that dog's got to go up steps yeah unless it's like some super dog or something but uh yeah man if it was up to me i'd have like 20 dogs i want to get uh priscilla and mona as the two dogs the older or older dogs when they pass we'll have this fucking idiot dog izzy and then it's an idiot oh my god like fucking six seven months she's beautiful beautiful coat you gotta teach them oh yeah she just is like it's not gonna learn man this dog has so much fucking it's like it's almost like just like-eyed to you. Like, huh?

What? What are you talking about? Like she's on crank all day. All fucking day. What kind of dog is it? Bull Mastiff. Yeah. That's why those are great protection dogs.

Oh. So much energy. She has got, man, something goes down in the backyard, this bitch is on it. Yeah. Right out there. Looking for something to do, man. Yeah. She's raised for something to do. That's like when a regular person gets a Belgian Malinois.

And so it's bringing that goddamn thing around everywhere. Like, oh, look at you, you little fucking demon. A little black-haired demon. What's a Belgian Malinois? Designed to take out prisoners. Is that the fucking- It's like a- German Shepherd looking dog?

Yeah, exactly. Exactly like a German Shepherd looking dog. But they look so fierce, man. Those dogs, we used them a bunch of times on fear factor look at the fucking athleticism of this thing at this fucking thing go to the roof look at take this guy down they're wild dogs man in terms of their athleticism look at that thing fly up shut up look at that grab well have you seen the one where there's a treat or a ball hanging from a tree. And so this Belgian Malinois jumps, runs up the side of the trunk of the tree, and then leaps sideways like 20 feet in the air to snatch this ball.

Look at this. Look at this thing walking on tightropes across two buildings. Bro, you don't want nothing to do with this dog. That is a dog that was clearly not trained in America. It's going backwards now. You don't want want nothing to do with this dog. That is a dog that was clearly not trained in America. It's going backwards now. You don't want jack shit to do with this dog. You just do not.

Look at that thing go after people. Yeah, you can't let that motherfucker go. They're amazing. Look at that. Oh my god. Oh, my God. Dude, how about that? How about it jumping over this guy's back and jumping into the bed of that truck as it's speeding down the street?

Look at the fucking athleticism these things have. And you really only get that kind of athleticism with a dog that's like that size. You know, it's not a giant dog. Yeah. How much do you think that weighs? I don't think they're very big at all. 60 pounds? Yeah, probably 60 or 70 pounds for a good size one.

Although we were just talking the other day about someone who had one that was really young, and it was already 90 pounds. Somebody had one that was like six. Who was that that was saying that? It was one that was like six months old, and it was already 90 pounds. Was it Andy was talking about somebody? Is their average? Yeah, so the average is like 75 pounds for a male.

That's like, that's on the high end. So this guy had one that was already 90 pounds that was six months old. So they also had doubled canines, the ones that he was showing us. Like great whites? Like on each side, they have two canines on the top. So if you could find that image, double canines, they have two canines on the top. See if you can find that image. Double canines, Belgian Malinois. Fuck.

Apparently, that's the thing they're breeding. They're making hybrids. You know, like they take a grapefruit and they mix it with an orange. Didn't they do something stupid like that? A grapple. Yeah, a grapple, right? A grapefruit and an apple or something. Grape and an apple together is a great piece of apple.

Look, it's got double canines. Shut up. Yeah, some of them have two canines. I couldn't live with the dog. I almost bought a Doggo Argentino, and the guy was like, right before I bought it, he was like, hey, you going to have this dog in bed with you? And I go, yeah, of course. And he goes, I'm not selling it to you. And hung up on me.

Really? Yeah, because there's certain dogs where you have to become the master. Like dog Argentinos are like bull mastiffs, but pit bulls on steroids. Yeah. And the guy was like, yeah, man, once it gets in bed with you, you've lost the house. I was like, all right, good call, man. Thank you for stopping me. So it fucking tells you, no, I'm running this house, bitch.

I sleep in this bed. Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck are you, bro? He's fucking my wife. I'm like, hey, I didn't know we were going to share her. Imagine he starts growling at you while he's humping your wife's leg. You're like, oh, no. What have I done?

I let this giant beast get too comfortable in my house. 200-pound murderous dog that wants to fuck your wife. Look at the build on that thing. That's the most beautiful dog I've ever seen in my life. It looks like it, the clown, if it was an evil dog. It does look like it.

It does. Go back to that picture. It looks like, go back to that picture. It looks like Pennywise. Jamie, that picture you were just on. No, go back to the one you were just on. It looks like,

that's one. That's Pennywise the clown, bro. Oh, fuck. That's fucking Pennywise. I'm so glad I didn't get one now. It looks like Pennywise, doesn't it? Look at that fucking dog. Oh my God, the muscles in that thing are preposterous.

When was the last time you got attacked by a dog? I've never been attacked by a dog. Oh, Jesus. That looks like the rock if it was a dog. Look at the build on that thing. Look at that, man. Jesus Christ. And that's probably 130 pounds.

That's a girl, too. That's a female dog. Try to grab onto any part of that dog to stop it from killing you. Good luck, bitch. There's not one part of you. That looks like a demon, like a sweet-faced demon that you got wandering around your yard looking to kill burglars. That's the dog I wanted whoo building that fucker

Jesus Christ That is a crazy dog to have around your house like you got a really be on top of things Look at that head with the collar look at that one in the middle. Oh my god. Look at the jaw God damn it fucking yeah, oh my God. Look at that jaw. Look at the fucking head on that thing. Oh, my dick's almost hard. That dog's so pretty. Oh, my God. Bro, that's a polar bear.

That's like having a polar bear. How is that any different? How is that any different than that dude? Those and Connie Corsos are fucking... Ridiculous. That's the shit with dogs. Yeah. If my wife leaves me, I'm moving to Malibu, I'm getting a Connie Corso and a Doggo Argentino.

Yeah, those are... Good fucking... Oh, those are good fucking. Oh, look at the fucking muscles in the chest of that thing. Come on, man. That's just too weird. I feel like if you have a dog like that also, it's like you have this obligation to work that motherfucker out. Every day. Every day.

You have a super athlete. You just can't have that thing in your yard being bored. That's a different kind of dog. That's why he was like, you're not letting him in bed with you. I was like, well, of course you have. Why? He was like, wrong guy. Running shit, son. You gotta keep those motherfuckers on a leash and train them well from the time they're really young. Or get one that's trained.

But even then, when I've heard about Belgian Malinois in particular, you gotta be the boss. That thing has to respect that you're the boss. Is that what Sch or uh shop got he did for a little bit he went out of town and wouldn't listen to his wife at all it was like fuck you bitch and she's like oh no i got this crazy dog in my house it's not listening to me yeah but if a dog thinks you're not the boss then it becomes the boss like he he decided Brendan was the boss. Like look at this big motherfucker with a deep voice.

You know, he's 6'5 or whatever he is. Brendan's gigantic. And so he's around this dog. He's like, hey, bro. And the dog's like, okay, big guy. Okay, big guy with the food. I'll be cool with you. And the wife's around like, who the fuck are you?

Who are you and where's the big guy? I think I'm the big guy, motherfucker. Like that's why you have to get a dog when it's a puppy. You know, get a dog when it's a puppy then you know you're the daddy like when i get up in the morning and marshall's waiting for me i'm like bro that's what i say to him bro and he's like he goes running around in circles and shit like it's a healthy relationship like he's for his whole life he's associated me with going on runs and getting belly rubs and playing. So it's like you get a dog when it's fully grown. Like you have no idea what was going on.

You don't know what was going on. You weren't there. You don't know what was going on. You get a two-year-old dog that's trained. Trained how? By who? Were you there? I mean you can assume from some guys because you trust their reputation they're really good at raising dogs but it's not the same relationship as when you raise a dog from

the time it's a puppy no puppies are yeah and there's nothing better that the dog we have now got me because we were i was in phoenix doing a show my wife's like my wife's on the road with me she goes hey there's a puppy like 20 miles from here and i went to the house walked in and this fucking dog climbed up in my lap laid her head on my shoulder and just went from here and i went to the house walked in and this fucking dog climbed up in my lap later head on my shoulder and just went to sleep and i went bitch you're going home with us it's too they're too adorable puppies like are the cutest thing that you ever get to experience other than a baby and maybe even more than a baby because you're not as you're not as concerned about them being vulnerable so you

can appreciate them more sometimes unless it's your baby. When it's your baby, you're just so full of love. You don't know what the fuck to do. But other people's babies are pretty cute, but other people's puppies are always cute. Oh, yeah. A bunch of other players don't have a puppy other than their baby. Way more. Way more.

They're so ador- they're universally adorable. There's something about a puppy, even the way they move, they move kind of funny. And their big ass heads, and they go playing like, ah, look at you, bro. When they do that front paw jump, right, left, like. Yeah. They're just having fun. What sucks is where we're at now with this puppy, where it's still a puppy, but it's big. And you're like, yo, you cannot just jump up on the fucking bed and fucking just, like, she just.

Have you ever given it lessons do you give it lessons on how to i haven't been home for a while but i think i'm gonna start i think i'm gonna start giving this fucking dog some lessons you can't just have the dog make the rules man you gotta make the rules oh she is she is she's fucking hilarious but man she gets up like just gets up on your lap like you should have rooms where the dog's not allowed to go in. Okay. Dude, I'll be taking his shit and this dog will walk in the closet, grab his shoe and just walk out.

Look at me and go, oh, sorry. I didn't know you were here. I grabbed one of your shoes. Just walk right out. That's hilarious. Oh my God. It's so funny. Dog has no rules.

She learned how to open the trash can, like pull the cabinet and just stick her head in the trash. You go, is he? And she'll go, oh, what? Doesn't even say no. Just, yeah. You got to train her, Bert, before it's too late. It might be too late.

It might be. This might be, you might need to bring in Cesar Millan for this one. I ran into Cesar Millan the other night. You need to run into him. It was fate. Where was I? God damn it. You were on Destiny Boulevard.

God damn You were on Destiny Boulevard And Cesar Cesar Malone was there To stop you from being a future episode of his show What the fuck man Oh Yeah You can't do that Bert

That's ridiculous I ran into Where was I that man met Cesar Malone Where were you That's a good question Fuck I must have been somewhere Like some sort of event.

I don't know. But you need to have him help you fix your fucking dog. Yeah, this fucking dog is all over the map. Dude, it's already 3.30. Are you serious? Yeah. Oh, shit. We've been going for three hours.

We've been going. Three and a half hours. Ridiculous. This is awesome, man. Awesome. The best. I love doing this podcast. I love doing it.

I'm so glad that with all this craziness, we can still do something like this. Fuck yeah, dude. Social distancing. Yes. We're not making out anymore. And I hope you guys at home listen. And stay safe. And Bert Kreischer, hey, big boy, is available right now.

Let's break the internet, you fucks. Please. It's available right now on the Netflix. Go there. Enjoy. And that's it. Burt Kreischer on Instagram, Burt Kreischer on Twitter. Do you even use Twitter anymore?

Yeah, I do. Do you pay attention to the mean people? No. I read it without my glasses so I can't see what they're saying. That's a good move. I just love and retweet. All right, well, thank you, brother. I love you, man.

I love you too, man. It's good hanging out with you. Always fun. Bye, everybody in her tweet. All right. Well, thank you, brother. I love you, man. I love you, too, man. It's good hanging out with you. Always fun. Bye, everybody. We'll see you soon. That was fucking awesome, man.