The Joe Rogan Experience - #1447 - Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 25, 2020

Tom Segura is a stand-up comedian, and hosts his own podcast with his wife, Christina Pazsitzky called Your Mom’s House available on Spotify. His new special “Ball Hog” is now streaming only on Netflix. http://tomsegura.com/ @YourMomsHousePodcast

Hey, ball hog. Hey, buddy. What's going on? Dude, you know what I had today? Duck eggs. Duck eggs? You don't need them. No?

You don't need them in your life. No good? There's a reason why they sell chicken eggs. And not duck eggs? They tricked me. I'm like, oh, duck eggs. Where did you get duck eggs? Erwan.

Oh, yeah, I go to Erwan. Yeah. I'm like, oh, duck eggs. And taste notably shitty? Really? Yeah, like gooey. Like it sticks to the roof of your mouth. Is that smaller too? No, they're bigger. They're bigger. Ducks are

maybe quail eggs I've had. Yeah, those are good. Those are good and they're small. Yeah, they're really little. Because quail are tiny. But ducks are big fucks. Yeah, they are. They shit out some big eggs. And they're nasty. Really. They like stick to your mouth. And do you fry it?

Mm-hmm. Same way? Same way. Like a loose yolk or no? Like easy yolk? Yeah. It's like regular yolk, but the yolk sticks to your mouth. All right.

Stays inside your mouth. It sounds like a ball hog. Yeah, it's not. I don't recommend it. I'm feeding the rest of them to my dog, I think. Really? He loves them. Loves eggs?

He loves eggs, yeah. Marshall does. Yeah, I crack open an egg and mix it in with his kibble sometimes. That's awesome. Yeah, most of the time I feed him. Either he gets a little bit of kibble and some elk meat. I give him ground elk meat or some other kind of meat. Marshall's spoiled.

He eats well. He eats well. That's awesome, dude. He's a happy dog. Yeah. I think everyone loves Marshall. Have you met him? Yeah, I met him.

Yeah, you met him here, right? A couple times, yeah. He's the sweetest dog in the world. Yeah, adorable. I didn't even Marshall. Have you met him? Yeah, I met him. Yeah, you met him here, right? A couple times, yeah. He's the sweetest dog in the world. Yeah, adorable. I didn't even know that dogs were like that. Yeah, no, it's a special dog. It's golden retrievers, man. They're smart, too.

They're real smart. I have a fucking box of sand as a dog, but she's adorable. She's sweet, but she's dumb as shit. What is she? Brussels Griffon. Well, I don't even know what that is. Looks like an Ewok. Oh, I do know what that is. Flat face. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, she? Brussels Griffon. I don't even know what that is. Looks like an Ewok. Oh, I do know

what that is. Flat face. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. That's an odd choice. Is that your wife's choice? Of course. Yeah. Broads. They get you. They get you with the dog choice. Oh, yeah, dude. It's a sweet little dog. They basically want a baby that they don't care too much if it dies.

That's a good way of putting it. I think she'd be pretty sad if this one died. Yeah, she'd be pretty sad, but not like baby sad. No, fuck no. No. It's like a baby

that you know you only have to take care of for like 14 years. Yeah, yeah. We talk about it sometimes. Like, I love you so much. I'll say it to the dog and I know you won't be here long.

You know? Yeah. She's pretty young though. So I think, I think, you know, for lucky she'll have a good run. I lost a dog last year. That was terrible. Yeah. I've lost a dog two years ago. It's rough. It's rough. Two dogs in a row. Well, they, they both were so old. They couldn't walk anymore. Man, our guy had heart condition and you know, we've given him all the meds and he was just on a decline. And I was on the road when he died. And, you know, I just was kind of stunned.

And I kind of, you know, I had to keep doing the shows, obviously, right? And it was like a long weekend of shows. And then when I got back, I fucking broke down. Yeah. It really fucks you up. It's a weird relationship, humans and animals, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And especially, like, if you grow, you know? Yeah. Yeah. And especially like if you, do you grow up with dogs? Yeah. Yeah. So it's like, it really becomes like, it feels weird when you don't have a dog around, for me. I've always had a dog. Yeah. I've always had cats and dogs, always, most of my life.

Yeah. Either like when I was living in an apartment in New York, I had a cat. In Boston, I had a cat. And then when, as soon as I got to LA, I got dogs. Yeah. As soon as I got out of the yard, I'm like, all right, I'm getting a dog. In Boston, I had a cat. And then as soon as I got to L.A., I got dogs. Yeah. As soon as I got out of the yard, I'm like, all right, I'm getting a dog. It's the best. It's like the first thing I thought of.

They're the best. Not only that, they bark when someone's coming near your fucking house. It's true. They are really. And they have that extra system in them, you know, that level of sensitivity to sound and smell. Yeah. When they start barking, you're like, what are you talking about? Yeah, they see things.

Like when I was having coyote problems, I took Marshall out, even when he was pretty young. He was like six, seven months old. I took him out and he was just like. And I'm like, what are you freaking out about? And then I turn and look and I see these eyeballs moving through the trees outside the chicken coop. I'm like, you little cunts. It's fucking, yeah. Little coyote cunts.

Coyotes are such fuckers, man. They're such fuckers. I lived in, you know, in this neighborhood where, pull out of your driveway, noon. Yeah. Standing in the middle of the street. Oh, yeah. Looking around. Jesus.

Well, where Whitney lives, in Woodland Hills? Yeah. Yeah, is that the area? She lives down the street from me. Bro, her area's infested. She's got dogs, like three or four dogs in the yard barking, and these coyotes don't give a fuck. Did you see that video where the pack came into her house or into her yard?

Yeah. There's like six of them. Yeah. Yeah, that neighborhood. They're sketchy. I told her to get a subsonic 22 and just start taking them out. She wouldn't even- Pop!

Pop! Put them down. Pop! Pop! Put a little bait out there. Mm-hmm. She wouldn't even. Pop. Pop. Put them down. Pop. Pop. Put a little bait out there. Mm-hmm. Does this sit in your window? What's like the city rules about taking out a coyote? The city rules, you keep your fucking mouth shut.

Yeah. And just kill that coyote. Shoot, shovel, and shut up. Coyotes. What's the, is there any upside? You can kill coyotes. Do they handle anything? Yes.

Rats. Rats. Yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah, man. They're great with rats. So are owls, and owls are way cooler than coyotes. And then owls don't eat your larger dog.

Delete the fuck out of your cat, though. They sure will. Owls will eat everything. I saw an owl flying with a rabbit, a big-ass rabbit, and its claws went. They're so vicious. Owls are so vicious. Yeah. And they're such scary hunters.

I know. At night, the head spins around. Have you ever seen that video? There's a nest video of these hawks that are in a tree, and this owl comes out and snatches one of the hawks and flies away. And you just from a distance are like, what is that? Right? You're talking about the one where- The eyeballs.

Yeah. And then all of a sudden it's like, bah! And it goes, bam, and it's just gone. Yeah. Yeah. They're fucking monsters. Freaky. Freaky. Freaky animals, man.

And we think of them as being these wise professors of the woods for some strange reason. Dude, have you ever heard Matt Bronger's owl bit? No. It is one of the funniest things. Is it really? Yeah. This is like the bit that he first, like his early on, you know, getting his first big joke that broke. And, you know, it was on Letterman and he was on Comedy Central.

It is hilarious. I got to see it. I got to see it. Owls are one of those weird animals that we have this very strange relationship with where we don't know what they really are. Yeah. We have this distorted. Bears are really are yeah we have this distorted bears are another one we have this distorted perception with their did you see that video that was going around about that guy who got his face literally eaten off by a grizzly and then he

shot the grizzly when it was on top of him no oh dude have you seen it jamie yeah because he's talking he's like going around yeah he's talking while his face is gone. And he's talking about, like, you can see one eye through this mass. I mean, if Jamie shakes his head like that. I'm going to show it to you real quick. God damn it. Yeah, I can't show it. Wait, there's video of the. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, of his face.

Of the attack, too? No, it's right after the attack. The guy that was with him started filming it. And it's just one of those things where, okay, so this is the bear and this is the guy and that's his face. And this is him talking. Where are you seeing this? I'm good, I'm good, I'm good. Is it on Instagram?

Yes. Bro, the thing chewed his face up. That's him now? That's what he looks like now. Oh, fucking God. They rebuilt his face? Yeah. That's incredible.

Who's that doctor? Well, you saw the chimp victim lady. Yeah. Her face was all hanging off. It's gone. Well, that chimp worked on her for a while. Did you see the tree trimming accident video? Go lower there, Jamie.

Go lower. Scroll down. Whoa. What, tree trimming? What? What? You've never seen that? What are you talking about?

Dude. And you get to see the live footage. Oh, where the tree goes into the guy's face? Yes. And splits his whole fucking head wide open. Yes. And then they show him in the hospital. Yeah.

And you can see, even in his completely destroyed face, the panic. And he knows how serious his situation is. Yeah. I mean, they were able to, I don't know, I haven't seen the post-surgery stuff, but that dude, a tree just like perfect. He cut, he was trimming, and like he just cut it and it just perfectly swung. And it swung and hit him right in the face. And split his whole fucking face open. Yeah.

Oof. Oh my God. Yeah. That's rough, man. Yeah. That's a rough look right there. That's a rough look. It's amazing how well they put that guy back together.

If I was him, I would just be the punisher for grizzly bears. I'd just load up every year with a million rounds for grizzly bears. Just load up every year with a million rounds of ammo. Just go hunting bears. Fuck you. Have you hunted a bear? Yeah, black bears. Not grizzly bears. Yeah. Yeah, we don't...

We have this image of them because of teddy bears. Because kids have them. They love them. Little teddy bears. And brown bears are the biggest, right? Polar bears, brown bears, and then. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because, I mean, a brown bear can stand up and be, what, like nine feet tall or something?

Even bigger. 11. Really? Yeah. Kodiak. The really big ones. And they can just, in a swipe, just decapitate you. My friend watched a bear kill a moose with one swat, broke its back.

He watched it chase this moose through a scope, was looking at it through a spotting scope, which is like a super powerful telescope that you could look at a mile away. You can watch things happen. And this bear just swat, hit this moose in the back, and snapped its back. Imagine. Fuck. What kind of fucking power? You have to snap a moose's back?

Oh, my God. and then just tore it apart I mean how powerful is that animal it's a big fucking animal man you know you're talking about a 1500 pound just ball of muscle

and fat I just thought about sometimes like you know cause you you know a lot of obviously like trained fighters

and that that equation always plays in your head what if like trained fighters and that that equation always plays in your head what if uh like trained fighters people don't realize sometimes how well like how much that training puts that person at an incredible advantage in a fight right like sure like your average guy right trying to get that smoke with a trained fighter is a is a problem? But at a certain point, what's the equation where all the training doesn't matter?

Do you know what I mean? For size? Yeah, size and strength. Like how big of a giant and how powerful does he have to be where all your training wouldn't matter? It depends on what kind of training you do. Like with jiu-jitsu, it's a pretty big advantage. Right.

With jiu-jitsu, I've tapped guys that are 100 pounds heavier than me. Right. Which is crazy. That is crazy, yeah. But I would never strike with a guy that's 100 pounds heavier than me. Because that would just, yeah. You'd get killed. Yeah.

Because even through your gloves, you keep your gloves up, and some 300-pound guy clubs you with a right hand. Yeah. It's just like your whole brain gets rattled. Right. You can tap a 300-pound guy clubs you with a right hand. It's just like your whole brain gets rattled. You can tap a 300-pound guy, though, as long as he doesn't throw you on the ground. The problem is he picks you up in the air and throws you on the ground, slams you, and hits you with the earth. Yeah. Because there are those dudes that are almost animals.

You see them walking around 6'8", 350. And you're like, I don't care how well you're trained. If that dude is athletic and strong. Like a pro football player. Oh, yeah. I remember, I'll never forget this. We were in Phoenix, and we were going into this bar, and it was like 20-plus years ago. And as we were waiting in line, this pro football player walked through the line and it

was like a grown-ass man amongst little kids yeah it was like a third grade class and someone's daddy showed up and just walked through the line this guy had to be like six seven six eight three fifty he was so big i was laughing yeah i was, look at the size of this fucking guy. Just big old corn-fed white boy just walking through the crowd. Imagine that dude gets a hold of you like this, too. That's what they do. That's their job. Just throw you into the ground and just break everything.

Break your hip and your legs and everything. I know you don't follow football, but I always think of this dude about savagery, Larry Allen. He played for the—I remember the Cowboys were dominant in the 90s? This dude was not just so big and so freaky strong, but was born mean. Oh, no. He's what you want if you're a coach. He had the athleticism, the strength. That's him right there? 73, yeah.

Jesus, look at the size of him. This fucking guy, dude, would just, he would just absolutely, you know, destroy, like, break people's will. How long did he play for? Oh, he had played over 10 seasons. Wow. And he was, you know. Look at the size of him. Dude. He was like.

He's so big. And so fast, so athletic. This guy was so athletic, man. He was like. He's so big. And so fast. So athletic. This guy was so athletic, man.

Like he was, there's amazing footage of him just chasing, like his team threw an interception. He's chasing the 180 pound guy down. Like crazy shit. Wow. He benched 225 45 times at the combine. You know? Just imagine doing 45 push-ups. Yeah. That's a lot.

Dude, do 45 reps of the bar, and you're going to feel the burn, man. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's crazy. Bop, bop, bop. It's just nuts. 700-pound bench press here. Yeah, he's not a normal guy.

700-pound bench press. God damn. Not a normal guy. The size of that dude. Yeah, these's not a normal guy. 700 pound bench press. God damn. Not a normal guy. The size of that dude. Yeah, these dudes are like. Yeah, well, you know, I mean, you got to think if that's your gig, your gig is to be gigantic and fast and powerful and you've been working on that since grade school. Yeah.

Look at them all fucking around. They're jumping on him like he is an animal. Like he's a trained lion. God damn, dude. Yeah. Yeah. He's so strong. Yeah.

There's like that mountain guy, that Game of Thrones guy. Yeah. Get the fuck out of here. Exactly. That's who I'm thinking about. Like guys like that who are, if you're like, oh, but like I know. You ever seen him spar with Connor? No.

Connor fucked him up. Oh, he did? Yeah. He fucked him up. Like really fucked him up. He just kept hitting him., he fucked him up. Like, really fucked him up. He just kept hitting him. And he kept moving away from him. And he couldn't hit Conor.

He was trying to hit Conor. He couldn't hit him. And Conor kept, he was kicking him in the stomach, punched him in the stomach. And eventually he just got exhausted. And he gave up. Yeah, see, that part, I mean, in, see, but that's kind of like with rules, right? We're going to do, we're going to do this sport. But he couldn't grab Conor.

He tried to grab him. Yeah. Conor, it was in a gym, so there was plenty of room for Conor to move around him. Look at it. But look at the size difference between the two of them. See, he started talking shit, and Conor was like, oh, really? Okay, come on, buddy. Let's spar.

Let's spar. He doesn't know what to do. Right. See, the thing is, Conor is much smaller than him, but he doesn't know what to do. See, the thing is, Conor is much smaller than him, but he doesn't know what to do. See, he just hit Conor in the stomach there, and he just doesn't know what to do. Yeah.

Look at that jumping front kick to the body and then pushed him away. See, he's trying to grab him, but he doesn't know what to do, and Conor just keeps moving. And Conor's in great shape, and that big fuck has never done cardio in his life. All that guy does is do squats and deadlifts and just gets huge Yeah So his his heart is probably right now pounding out of his chest that fucker played basketball before. Oh, he was really skinny

Yeah, he was really raising. Let's see now now Connor starting to punch him He's starting to punch him in the stomach and the dudes trying to grab him and he tries to hit cut See now he's taking a break and the Lee sees stomach heav stomach heaving yeah he doesn't know what to do yeah he doesn't know how to get out of this because they're fucking around he doesn't know how to get out of this he tries to grab him but connor's like no i'm just gonna move you go ahead and just he's gassing him out yeah exactly and then he's like he's nodding he's like come on big boy come on but his trainer has got to be going crazy like what in the fuck are you doing? Of course.

You're one of the top fighters on the planet Earth, and you're here fucking around with a 300-pound giant. What if this guy gets a hold of one of your legs and decides to rip it apart? Exactly. Exactly. That's what I'm talking about. So you punched him in the stomach. Uh-huh.

I guess they're not punching each other in the face. Yeah. Because they're going bare knuckle. That dude's head doesn't even fit the body anymore. He's getting tired, though. See, because of all the flinching. See, Connor's making a flinch. He's making a move.

He's fainting. And when you faint like that, see, he doesn't know what to do. He's giving up. He's like, I give up. I give up. I give up. And Connor's not letting him give up. Look at him.

He's not letting him give up. He's like, come on, fucker. Now he's going to get into some jiu-jitsu here at him. He's not letting him give up. It's like, come on, fucker. Now he's going to get into some jujitsu here. No, he's just, he's like, he knees him in the body. Jesus Christ. He's punched him. He's, he's mean. He's not letting him rest. Now he lets him rest. Look how small. God damn. Yeah. Yeah. See that guy was done though. The thing, the thing about being that big, you can't go long. It's like a muscle car, right? If you've got a muscle car with a five-gallon engine or a five-gallon gas tank and a big-ass engine, you really don't have much distance. You go hard for a second.

Yeah, yeah. You're not going to last. It's like, wah, and then, puh, puh, puh, puh, puh. That's actually fascinating to watch. Weird, right? Yeah, yeah. That thing's so big. You ever seen a wolverine chase off wolves?

Uh-uh. Wolverines are little. It's like a 35-pound animal. Everything gets the fuck away from it. Like, Jesus. Because they're so ferocious. They're so crazy. And they feel like no pain.

Yeah. Like, things can bite them and like... And they'll chase wolves. They'll chase bears. What's the news with Conor, by the way? Is he throwing out that he wants to fight someone? He wants to fight Khabib. Khabib.

But they're trying to set up. Look, we are in the future. This is March 24th on Tuesday, and everyone's on fucking full lockdown here. They're talking about doing a UFC. They don't know where it's going to be for Khabib versus Tony Ferguson. They're talking about doing that somewhere, somewhere in another country. I told Dana she'd do it on a battleship. She'd do it on a battleship in international waters.

Fly everybody in on helicopters. Fucking cool idea. And there's no organization like the UFC that could pull that off. You know what I mean? Yeah. You can't do that with any other sport. No, because you don't need very many people. You just need the fighters.

Yeah. I mean, I don't even know if they're going to have an undercard. And the crazier the setting for a fight, the more it could be like, and there'll be lions roaming. Well, I would imagine one of those sheiks that has a trillion dollars, they'll say, do it in my palace. 100%. You do it in the palace. You set up an octagon in a giant ballroom.

Dude, if you guys called sheiks and they would start fighting each other. This is no problem. Yeah. This is no problem at all. Come on. Yeah. They'll fucking sanitize the shit out of a couple jets, fly everybody in, sanitize the runway, just crates of Lysol. Absolutely.

Crop dusted planes spraying Lysol over everything. It would be – they would do it right actually. They have so much money. Yeah. I mean they could do it right. They could test everyone. Well, what do you do if someone has like – they're asymptomatic and they want to fight anyway? But they test positive? Yeah. No, they're goneomatic and they want to fight anyway? But they test positive?

Yeah. No, they're gone. You got to go. What if it's Khabib? You got to go. What if it's Tony? They test positive, but they're asymptomatic. Too much of it.

Resting heart rate's low. Everything's fine. Too much of a liability. Good to go. You're shedding it, man. You're shedding it as you walk around. After he's over, we just cover him in a big plastic suit. I guess if the other fighter was like, I'm cool with it, that's fine.

Khabib would probably be cool with it, too. Yeah, sure. You have medicine? Yeah. Send location. Bring medicine. Did you see that couple, what they did? Do you see that today?

What? So Trump was talking about potential medicines. Yes. And then one of them, I don't want to say the name wrong, so whatever it, I forget what it is. I'll tell you exactly what it is. What is it? It's medication that you use on a koi pond to kill bacteria. That's the one that they took.

Yes. But it's the same name. I think it's called chloroquine. The same name of it. Yes. The one for the koi pond has like a hyphen and another name. Uh-huh. Yeah.

The same name without the hyphen is actually a medication. It's a medication for malaria. For malaria, correct. That apparently holds promise. But they took koi pond, fish tank medicine. They took poison. Yeah. They took poison.

That's what they took. And then they were like, he told us to take it. Yeah, but he didn't, you stupid fucks. No, of course not. And then they were like, he told us to take it. Yeah, but he didn't, you stupid fucks. No, of course not. And then they're like, we saw it in our cabinet. You think you have fucking malaria meds in the back of your pantry? Just laying around.

We had it in the shed. Yeah. We used it to kill everything in the koi pond, and we figured, hell. Jed took it, and he's dead. Well, the woman, they were talking to her, and they said, now, it was funny because the reporter was baiting her. The reporter was like, now, this is, you saw President Trump say that you should take the, yeah, they were showing it a lot.

That's what she said. They were showing it a lot. No, it's a different name. It's a different name. You fucks. Yeah. It's the same beginning. And you, just like as a, I feel comfortable saying this public PSA.

You probably don't have the cure at home right now. I feel comfortable. I feel comfortable with you saying that. Unless you just got back from somewhere where you had to take something for malaria. Yeah, maybe, man. Maybe. Maybe you haven't. Yeah.

It's a different medication. But people are blaming Trump for that. Yeah. It's a different medication. Yeah. But people are blaming Trump for that. Yeah. It's just like this game of trying to get clicks and blaming people.

Trump did not tell people to drink Koi Pond Killer. No, no. He definitely didn't do that. He's been hilarious in this. Well, did you see that one lady? I was talking about this earlier. There's this one lady who is getting – she has an opportunity to talk to Trump in a press conference. And she said, did you hear that one of your, one of the members of your cabinet referred to it as the Kung Flu?

I saw that, yeah. And he's like, the what? Say that again. And she goes, Kung Flu. So he makes her say it. And then he goes, who? Who said it? Well, I heard someone. You heard? Yeah, Kung flu. So he makes her say it. And then he goes, who? Who said it? Well, I heard someone.

You heard. Yeah, I know. This is the one question you have. Right. To ask the President of the United States during one of the biggest health crises the world has ever known. Yeah. And a mildly racist term is what you want to check in on. Yeah. Are you putting a stop to that?

They want to get him. get want to call people out Yeah, he did a thing yet. He must have caught up though because yesterday he he read a statement that like I Love our Asian Americans and well it's because he kept referring to it as the Chinese. Oh, I know I know Chinese Virus and he scratched out on his report. Yeah, I know. The Chinese virus. He scratched out on his report. I saw it. Yeah. He wrote Chinese. Chinese.

He's like, that's where it's from. Or it's a coronavirus. Uh-uh. Chinese. But that's, people have to understand, that's also because he's in fierce negotiations with China over these trade sanctions. There's a lot going on. And he's a combative dude.

Yeah. And he'll take any chance to. So the same lady did it with Kellyanne Conway. Same thing. Same question. Yeah. And, you know, and she's like, I'm not going to get into speculation here. About who said it.

Yeah. But you don't know who said it. You just heard someone said it. And then, you know, this lady didn't know. Kellyanne Conway's husband's half Asian. Right. So her kids are quarter Asian. She's like, I'm sure, you know, sure you're not saying that I'm racist or Asian.

My children are Asian. Yeah. Like, what are you doing? Isn't that marriage kind of interesting to you? Oh, yeah. It's hilarious. I mean, he's the most outspoken critic. He hates Trump.

Beyond hates. Beyond hates him. And she's his most ardent defender. Yeah. It's crazy. How do you guys go to bed at night? And she's his most ardent defender. Yeah.

It's crazy. How do you guys go to bed at night? Some people can be like liberals and Republicans and live together fine. Some people can be like hunters and vegans and live together fine. But they're both so vocal about their positions. It's weird. I don't understand how they're like, anyway, what do you want to eat? It's fucking crazy. I know it is.

By the way, how great would it have been if Trump or Kellyanne Conway had been asked about the Kung Flu and they were like, are you going to say that's not a funny term? Yeah, it would be great. It would be kind of great. I mean, look, if it was an Italian virus and they called it the pasta virus, I mean, would people really get mad? No, probably not. What would they call it? The meatball virus? What would be the thing?

Yeah. The pizza virus? I don't know. Yeah, rigatoni virus or parpadelli virus. It's just, I don't know, man. I read a terrible thing that one lady said that some lady, she's Asian and she was at a store and some lady yelled. She had a mask on.

She yelled, fuck you at her in her face. And then she took off her mask and coughed at her. At the Asian lady? Yeah, coughed at her and yelled, fuck you at her. See, that's when all the racial jokes stop being. Yeah, they all just went out the window right there. Because there are legit morons out there that would blame an Asian American, a person of Asian descent living in America that has zero to do with any of this. And she'll be like, fuck you. Because there's people just looking for an excuse to blame whatever on someone else.

And if it's an Asian person or a Latino person or whatever the fuck it is. Or all the fucking post, you remember post 9-11 all these poor Sikh people yes that were being targeted yes yes like you fucking Muslim and they're like I'm not Muslim yeah I mean it's bad enough that you're doing that but I'm not even the target yeah you just who you're trying to reach here think turbans everyone with a turban is Muslim you fucking idiot because we forget that like you know the world's full of idiots too those are the people you really got to worry about. It's, you know, I don't want people to die from this disease.

Of course. But I would like us to lose a significant portion of our moron population. It'd be cool if it, like, preyed on low IQ individuals. They're like, all these dummies keep dying. Not just low IQ, because there's some low IQ people that are really nice. But it would be great if it was low IQ people who are mean. Like if there was a disease that only killed racists. Just like open mouth breathing people.

Something about racism. It just kills people with racism. Like there's a gene and it targets that gene and people who are racist, they just drop like flies. There are a lot of older people dying, so it might be working. It's definitely killed a few racists in this last few weeks. Imagine if that's something that people focus on. Here's one silver lining. All these old grand wizards are gone.

We went into the Facebook pages of all the people who died and 64% were racist. That'd be awesome. That would be a nice silver lining. Yeah, but what about the other, you know, 36? Just nice old grannies. It's terrible, man. That love their neighbors. It's terrible.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But this is one of those things where you can't even crack a joke because then people are, oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. What about this person and that person? You just can't listen to them.

Yeah. So I talked to Michael Yeo. Actually, I haven't even talked to him because he's not talking because he can't talk. He's just texting. He's still fucked up. Five days ago, thought he was dying. Went to the hospital? No.

I mean, he's been in the hospital for over a week. But five days ago, he thought he was dying. He got, this is what happened. He went to New York. He did my podcast. Right after he did my podcast, that weekend, he had shows at Gotham. So he flew to New York City, did his shows in New York City, was feeling kind of sick, and then got it.

Got pneumonia and the coronavirus at the same time in New York or in LA when he got home So he was feeling kind of shitty and then it hit him So he probably had a weakened immune system, right? Then he's not a boozer I don't think he was boozing but you know, he doesn't have any like that, you know, no like healthy No, nothing. He seems like a healthy guy. Yeah shape in shape. yeah works out a lot he said he was killing workouts he said nothing was wrong with him he said just started feeling like he had a cold and then flew home and then boom that is double whammy but he's recovering he's recovering yeah he's not the you mean he's not gonna die

but he's not out of the woods yet and some of these people that have gotten through this disease have some sort of permanent lung impairment. You know, one that scared me, I was reading about this guy, see if you can find this guy, 2012 gold medalist in swimming, 31 year old guy got it. And he said he's the absolute worst virus he's ever experienced in his life. He said it was devastating. So it's like some people have it like Idris Elba, and there's nothing. Yeah.

Asymptomatic. Yeah. Seem to be fine. Well, they are, I mean, I just spoke to an infectious disease doctor on the way over here, and they're saying that, you know, that's one of the big things about the asymptomatic people is, is like they're essentially what can keep this thing going for a while. Because you're shedding for 15 days. And if you're not holed up, if you're walking around and you're just brushing by people and you're at the park and you're in the store and you're shedding, you're spreading it, you're asymptomatic.

And then you go home, but you just gave it to, you know, these three or four people, then they go home. It's just so weird that some people don't experience anything, and for other people, like this guy who's a 31-year-old Olympic swimmer, Cameron Vanderberg, 2012 Olympic swimming champion, details bout with coronavirus.

I think he's from Africa. Is that where he's from? Maybe. Yeah, you're right. Details bout with coronavirus. I think he's from Africa. Is that where he's from? South Africa. Maybe. It's a place. Yeah, you're right. I don't know. Retired South African Olympic swimmer. Details his struggle with coronavirus.

I mean, this guy is super healthy. Yeah. Really, really fit. He says he doesn't smoke, lives a healthy lifestyle, and he's young. He's in the least risk demographic. Incredible. So you can't really predict how this will go. He said, although the most severe symptoms, extreme fever, have eased,

I'm still struggling with serious fatigue and a residual cough that I can't shake. Any physical activity, like walking, leaves me exhausted for hours. This is crazy. He's 31, and he's a stud. I mean, you look at that guy. Yeah, Olympic swimmer, right? I mean, you talk about cardiovascular shape. They're some of the most powerful cardiovascular fit people on earth.

Incredible. He said he's been struggling with it for 14 days. Jesus Christ. Amazing. By far the worst been struggling with it for 14 days. Jesus Christ. Amazing. By far the worst virus I've ever had. Yeah. It says any physical activity like walking leaves me exhausted for hours. The loss in body conditioning has been immense and can only feel for athletes that contract COVID-19

as they will suffer a great loss of current conditioning through the last training cycle. It's funny how he's thinking about it. Infection closer to competition being the worst. Yeah. Isn't it funny how he's thinking about it in terms of conditioning cycles? Of course. That's how Olympians think. Yeah.

Did you see how, I mean, they just agreed to postpone, but even like two days ago, Tokyo was like, we're not, don't even think about it. Yeah. What? What are you talking about? Fucking idiots Don't even think about it. Yeah. What? What are you talking about? Fucking idiots. Because they're crooks. Yeah.

Look, that whole thing is a crooked organization. Yeah, yeah. They should pay those athletes. They're making billions of dollars. The athletes make- Tens of billions. Yeah. The athletes make nothing.

Yeah. They're like, if you get a sponsorship in a sport that's popular- Yeah. Then you're all right. in a sport that's popular, then you're all right. If you are the top, like, if you get to win a gold medal and everybody pays attention and then you become like Michael Phelps, where everybody knows your name, you can make a living. Yeah.

Then you can make a living. Everybody else is fucked. Meanwhile, those cunts are raking in billions and billions of dollars. Ridiculous. It is the grossest thing in all sorts. The only thing that's close is college basketball. College basketball and college football where those guys, again, make billions of dollars for those organizations and make no money for themselves.

And then you have these people who are like, yeah, but these guys get a free education. Get the fuck out of here. Fuck out of my face. Get the fuck out of here, especially football. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, you get a free The fuck out of here, especially football. Get the fuck out of here. You get a free education when you get your brain scrambled every day in practice. Your brain's scrambled. And the football programs at a major university are so goddamn valuable, not just even monetarily.

It becomes the image of the school. Yes. They even get a high-profile school gets more applicants applicants and you get more people enrolled just because of that program. It's crazy. And it's a dirty thing. It's a dirty thing that just like keeps going. So it should have been they should have fixed that a long time ago. Those guys should have been able to.

They should be getting paid. I mean, and people like, whoa, how come other college students don't get paid? Because you don't have those fucking skills, dude. Those are bad motherfuckers. Yeah. That's just what they got. Yeah. If you're winning NCAA basketball championships for your school, you should be making a shitload of money because your goddamn school is making a shitload of money from you.

And then if you're like a bad motherfucker on one of those teams, they sell your jersey, dude. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And you don't make anything from that. They sell your jersey. And they're like, didn't you get that algebra class for free? Like, oh, yeah. Thanks, man.

And we gave you a track suit and some shoes. Thanks. Yeah. Yeah. And if you even get, I think if you get like, I mean, you can't get anything. They can't even hook you up with an apartment. Dude, it's super fucked. They can't even hook you up with an apartment.

Dude, it's super fucked. NCAA is, again, a super corrupt organization. You've seen that Icarus movie, Icarus documentary? Well, it shows how the IOC. Is that the story of Russia? I think I saw it. It shows how dirty even testing is in the Olympics. And it shows how the Russian team in Sochi was just completely, not just cheating, but every one of their athletes, they took their piss and swapped it out for clean piss. All of them.

They had a hole in the wall. They'd transfer piss back and forth to it. That was the Russian team. Yeah, the Russian team did that. It is like culturally built in to deceive there. Seriously. It's about winning. It is about winning, but it's also like it lies on every level.

Well, did you hear me talking about Yoel Romero? Did you ever hear? After the fight? No, the recent one. No. Dana White gave me this information. After the fight? No, the recent one.

No. Dana White gave me this information. They brought in Yoel Romero because he had a fractured orbital in one of his fights. Oh, okay. And they bring him in, and then he gets examined by this doctor. And the doctor calls up the UFC afterwards and said, where did you get this guy? And he goes, what do you mean? And they're like, what's going on? He goes, I've never seen anyone like him.

And they're like, oh, yeah, he's an amazing athlete. He goes, no, no, no. I've never seen a human being like this. Like this is the most unusual human being I've ever seen in my 40 years of practicing medicine. He said his tendons in his eye are four times larger than a normal person's. He goes, his physical structure is different than any human being I've ever seen in my life. Whoa. Whoa. Cuba.

Yeah. Who knows what kind of fucking wacky experiments they were doing. Some Russian pills when he was a kid, that's for sure. Yeah, imagine. Yeah. Right? Imagine.

I mean, he was a top of the food chain wrestler. He meddled in literally every single international wrestling meet he ever competed in. Yoel Romero is a super stud. Yeah. Just a super stud. That was a weird fight though, right? The last one with Izzy? Yes.

Yes. I had to leave. It wasn't a good fight. Isn't that crazy we were in an arena like a week before it hit the fan? I know. We were hanging out in Vegas. But it was a little sketchy then, remember? It was a little sketchy. We were like, everything going to be okay? Yeah. We were were hanging out in Vegas. But it was a little sketchy then, remember? It was a little sketchy.

We were like, everything going to be okay? Yeah. We were a little weirded out. But then we went to like- Went to dinner. Went to dinner. Went to my show. Yeah.

We hung out. Had a show. And then- That was probably the last big show we'll see in a long ass time. I keep thinking about how- I was talking about it today. I did all this morning phoners today for the special. Ball Hog. Ball hogs out on netflix right now my favorite by the way is i they have you called calling to so many radio stations

and this guy's like he goes uh oh i'm a big instant family fan when are you going to do another one and i go uh what do you mean he's like i like that show i go it's a movie it's a movie called instant family he goes oh yeah When's the next one? I was like, the sequel to an adoption film? What? Like, you just tell they're just, you know, reading shit off to you. But I was talking to somebody in the press thing today, and I go, most of us comics, since we've been active working comedians, at most two weeks we've gone without doing stand-up. And then that return, you know, when you first get on stage

after, like, a vacation, you're like, I just feel fucking weird. You know, you have, like, weird butterflies, your rhythm's off, your pacing's a little off, you forget a word or something because you're just not fresh. We might be two, three months. It's never been easy. Easy, yeah, Without ever doing it.

Yeah, March, all of March, right? All of April. When was your show? Your show was the beginning of March, right? It was March 7th, yeah. March 7th and 8th, you do the Mirage. So all of March, all of April, we mean we easily could be deep into July or August before.

I did a set March 11th. It was my last set. And then March 12th, I canceled. I had a set March 11th. It was my last set. And then March 12th, I canceled. I had a show. You canceled it too. Yeah. Because I was doing a Spanish show at the Belly Room. And then I canceled it.

I was doing the main room. Yeah. I canceled that. And that was it? And everything got moved. Yeah. The store said they were going to cancel gatherings of less. The state mandate was anything with uh 200 people or more

and the main room i think holds 400 people so they decided to keep the belly room open which is i mean the uh the or which is one 150 i think yeah something like that and then they asked me if i want to do a spot there and i'm like i don't think i do i think i'm good'm like, I don't know what to do here. And then I had the improv a couple days later, and then I texted the improv. I'm like, I think we should shut this down. It just doesn't seem right. The way that it rolled out was funny. So I had that weekend at the Ice House. So I go, we'll move that.

I go, we can't do it. So we moved it. The following week, which would have been the weekend that just ended, I was supposed to be in Dayton. And even on Monday, they were like, do you want to do it? On Monday? Or maybe it was Friday. They were like, you can still do Dayton.

They were giving Swartzen at some shows in Utah. They were giving him a hard time. They were like, hey, we're going to lose our shirt if you cancel. He's like, I'm not a fucking what? Yeah, no. Guys, hey. And then I go, we got going to lose our shirt if you cancel. He's like, I'm not a fucking what? Yeah, no. Guys, hey. And then I go, we got to move the date. So then we move that.

And then every day we keep pushing things month by month. Chappelle's doing shows like real late. Really? Yeah, real late. He was doing shows like the weekend after yours. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Big ones too, bro.

Damn. Right or no? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Fucking big ass theaters. Yeah. Yeah, I was, I mean, I'm supposed to be in Vancouver on the 20th. That's never going to happen.

No. Then Chappelle and I were doing a show in Nashville and a show in New Orleans. Those are not going to happen. That's the end of April. Will those get moved? Apparently. I mean, I hope people get the opportunity to get a refund because there's a lot of people right now that probably bought tickets and they're like, fuck, I need that money right now just for food and shit.

You're totally right. How many people just have zero check? It's probably like 50% of the population. Enormous. It's enormously devastating to the economy. Yeah. I mean, we had some people working on our house. I had to fix something in the garage. I was like, are people working? Are they allowed to work? And everyone's just doing social distancing. Yeah, I had some work done and they were like excited to do it. Yeah, people are happy to work.

Yeah. I've been getting text messages and emails from people that are like, I mean, they had like viable businesses and they counted on the money being in there every week. And there was no plan on the table for anything that involves no one being able to work. Of course. I mean, why would anybody be prepared for this? No one. Of course. And no one knows how long it could last.

And I'm reading something about California where they're talking about like shows and concerts. It might be six months. Yeah. I believe it. I mean, it is. So April, May, June, July, August, September. We wouldn't do shows until September.

So weird. But I mean. What will it be like also? Weird. So weird. But it'd be weird for everybody. That's true. That? Weird. So weird. But it'll be weird for everybody. That's true. That's true.

Be weird for the audience. Be weird for everybody. I keep thinking too, you know, we know all these people in clubs and like they're like immediately have no job. The servers. The servers is what I'm. The chefs. Yeah.

The servers. We got to do something for them at the store for sure. Because they don't have any money. I mean, it's not like they're comics who have like saved up money and have a few thousand bucks in the bank. No, they count on that doing those shifts every week and you get tipped out and you know. Yep.

Yeah. Yeah. It's fucking weird, man. And it's going to be weird when everything rolls back up. A lot of restaurants are going to go under. A lot of businesses. Yeah. I think I heard something about the Marriott CEO giving up all his salary and everything just to give it to some of the— Well, that's nice.

I think maybe I'm plugging the wrong guy, but one of those CEOs was like, you know, just push it on down. Yeah. I have a buddy of mine who runs a production company, and he had to lay off 30 people yesterday. And he was just like, there's no money coming in. No one's paying him. Everything's shut down. And these workers were like, why don't you just pay us while we're not working?

He was like, because I don't make any money. He was like, what do you want me to do? I don't know what you want me to do. And it was this weird conversation because he was like what do you want me to do like i don't know what you want me to do and it was this weird conversation because he was he was like what am i supposed to do and i'm like i don't i don't i hope i never experience that yeah i don't know what you're supposed to do no because i don't know how much i don't he's not rich yeah it's a real dilemma man yeah because if he's right he's running a production company right yeah so he has a huge overhead he has cameramen and trucks and

post-production facilities and all this different stuff. And it's all dependent on money coming in. And then when the money doesn't come in, then the payroll keeps coming out. Like you'll go dry real quick. Yeah. I mean, even if you have some money, there's a limit to how long you could do that for. Yeah. Yeah. But people that work for you, I guess, just assume you make more money. You got enough money to pay me. Keep paying me. Crazy. And he's like, he's like, I'm not rich.

He's like, I barely, you know, he was like, I make enough money every year to live a good life, but not to pay 30 people where there's no money. You imagine paying, you're paying 30 people. Let's just money. Imagine you're paying 30 people. Let's just say they get $100,000 a year. That's so much money. Yeah, of course. That's so much money. Yeah, that would be $3 million, right?

Yeah, like that, gone. Yeah, no, I mean, you have to be able to have – I mean, we have a staff. We make podcasts, and we're continuing to do podcasts, so we can keep paying the staff. Yeah, that's weird, right? We can keep doing this. Yeah. And we're continuing to do podcasts so we can keep paying the staff. Yeah, that's weird, right? We can keep doing this. Yeah.

And then you got to think also, like if someone is doing that and you have, you know, 30 people that you're laying off, those people have to get unemployment. How much unemployment is there? It's a record number by four times the amount that's ever been filed. And it all filed like the same 72 hours. How much money do they have to pay those people? I'm sure it's not enough. I'm sure they don't have enough to pay. I think the numbers come out Thursday.

The new ones? The first numbers of this is how many people don't have a job now. The number's going to be crazy. It's going to be nuts. It's going to be crazy. And what is to be nuts. It's going to be crazy. And what is this quarter going to look like on the books? This one and the next one, actually. This is, you've got to assume, let's be conservative

and say 40% of the country's out of work. That's conservative, right? That's a good question. I'm not really sure. I don't know. I mean, for sure. I would imagine it's got to be something like that like 40 million people that were working probably at least aren't are not working right now that we're working and this is worldwide oh that number is way fucking higher yeah i mean just in

this country but worldwide it's like half the population really like we are not at a real lockdown some places have really locked down yeah we are not at a real lockdown. Some places are really locked down. Yeah, we were talking about that before the podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Did you see the Italian mayors screaming at everybody? Stay the fuck home. No.

How do you imagine? Yeah, there's a video compilation. I'll send it to Jamie. It's actually pretty funny. It's a video compilation of all these Italian mayors fucking screaming at people to stay the fuck home. My cousin in Peru said you can't walk your dog

in Lima right now. So where's your dog's shit? I guess in the house or something. Congratulations. If Marshall had shit in the house we'd have a real issue.

First of all he'd be so confused. He'd be like are you sure? You want me to start doing this? I'd be like dude trust me

just shit right there. Is it? I got you. Oh you got it? Dude, trust me, just shit right there. Is it? I got you. Oh, you got it?

He's killing me. I'm dying, though. On the PlayStation. Nobody leaves their home. Nobody goes out of their machine. It's an order, so watch out. What are you doing with these incontinent dogs? You need to stay at home.

People are dying. Don't you get it? This is super Italian. What a beautiful language. Yeah, it's the best. It's a beautiful language. The best. I mean, it's interesting how, like, American language, like, the American, the sound that we make, the way we speak English in America.

Look at this guy. He's got his mouth. Stop riding me letters. It's useless. Stay at home. You'll be just fine. All these hairdressers coming to your homes. What the hell are they for?

Who the hell is going to see you? Someone coming to your house. They came to my house. And has been to other people's houses. You have coronavirus in your hair instead of hairspray. The rigatoni virus is killing us, everybody. Rigatoni virus, so racist. Look at that guy. How did he get the job?

Get out of here. Where's your neck? Where are your hand gestures, sir? What kind of mayor are you? Who are you? What kind of Italian are you? I'm not feeling this guy. Get out of here, pencil neck.

Ciao, ragazzi. Shut him off, Jamie. That was funny. Yeah. That was funny Yeah It's Well Italy is losing Hundreds and hundreds Of people a day

Like yesterday It was like 500 They said yesterday Was the The first day Where the number dipped Yeah But I mean it's down

It's still like 500 people Day before was 800 Day before was 700 Yeah it's been going It's been nuts But they do have The second oldest Population

Of a major country in the world. And a giant population of smokers. They all smoke over there. And they smoke all day long. And every greeting is kiss, kiss, kiss. And they're all drunk. Yeah, affectionate. And they're all baiting each other.

Smoking, fingering each other. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I go to Italy every summer. Yeah. Not this summer. Not this summer. No.

Maybe it'd be a good discount. Fucking great discount. That country, by the way, like, I mean, a huge part of that GDP is tourism. Yeah. You know, like, I mean, I want to say like over 15%. So it's going to be slammed for this. I know. It's weird.

It's like you wonder what does a country do to sort of mitigate the issues that are being caused by that? The only thing I keep thinking about how, like when you think about how badly so many places are doing is just that everybody else is doing poorly. You know what I mean? Yes. It's not one place. This is a worldwide pandemic. So that's the only thing you can think of. Yeah. It's the only thing you can think of yeah that's the only thing you can think of it's uh it's a strange strange time for us i'm hoping that on the other end we come out of this with a little perspective you know the people that survive come out of this with a little perspective like hey we got it good we got it

real fucking good i think that perspective will last about seven days. Well, with 9-11, it lasted a few months. Yeah, yeah. People will be like. In New York, it lasted a few months. Yeah, that's true. I think it was more special in New York. It'll affect Italians for a long time.

You know, places that are devastated by it. I think so. But I mean, yeah, people, you know, humans are just going to react to the current condition usually. Yeah, that's the problem with us. We get real comfortable. I saw that somebody tweeted or something that this whole thing is the Earth's vaccine and we're the virus. Who said that? Somebody.

Someone trying to be profound? Someone trying to be profound. Someone trying to be profound. But then you start looking at their like, you know, pollution's down, the water's cleaner, the, you know, the fish are swimming in the canals of Venice again. Good point. Jesus Christ. You got a good point.

I have a point. Well, look at Los Angeles air quality. Better than it's been ever. For sure. It's amazing. No one's driving. Yeah. Yeah.

But also no one's eating. Yeah. Oh, there's that part. Yeah. Well, this, no one's eating. Yeah. There's that part. Yeah. The way we live is ridiculous, and our ridiculous is not even as bad as New York's ridiculous. New York's ridiculous is the most ridiculous because they're literally stacked on top of each other. Yeah. There's no getting away from anybody.

They have the most ridiculous way of life, and they love that life. They love the fact that they can go to a hundred different restaurants at midnight. Yeah. You know? Sure, and it's great to be, I mean, I love being around it. It's fun to go. I do too. I like to visit. Yeah, it is fun. But I mean, I would hate to be cooped up there right now. Oh, it'd be terrible. Terrible, terrible. I'd want to get out of the city.

Yeah, well, Ari bailed. Yeah. Yeah, I was telling you earlier, he went down to Maryland. It was hilarious. He was like, don't tell. What? Yeah, he likes to keep his woman in the dark. He's like, she doesn't know the extent of this. What do you think I'm going to do?

Well, she doesn't have a fucking phone. Yeah, he's like, she doesn't know yet. Don't DM her this shit. Maybe that's why they get along so good. She's like, she balances him out in some sort of strange way. He is so funny, too, in that he, of course, was like, fucking five days ago. I know. Are you guys really fucking freaked out about this? Yeah.

He's like, I'm still doing sets. And then 24 hours later, he's like, I got to get out of the studio. What are you guys doing? How are you guys keeping social distancing? I'm like, wait, what's going on here? How did you switch so hard? Well, we had this group text that we're in. We were all like, hey, what happened?

Yeah. What happened over the last 24 hours? Yeah. Well, a couple of people got freaked out, so I freaked out. Like who freaked you out? It's so funny when he gets freaked out. It's a weird time, man, but I get, I bet for Bert's special and for your special, this is going to be fucking bonsai.

It's so bizarre. Bonsai is not a good word. Bonanza. A bonanza is what I meant to say. It is bizarre that so many people are forced to be home. Yeah. And they've already announced that all the views are up. Oh, they have to throttle streaming.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, but I've noticed it too on podcasts, like downloads are up, views are up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. People are consuming content, you know yeah people are consuming content you know yeah and you know it also kind of keeps them sane it's like your show like your mom's house or this podcast or any of these podcasts that people subscribe to it's a part of their routine so yes

at least there's some normalcy and i don't want to overplay that make it seem like we're doing some great service no but there's something that does give people some comfort. I think they really, it's that familiarity of like, I listened to Joe's show. It's on. This makes me, this distracts me from, from the chaos for a little bit. I mean, I guess that's why we're allowed to do it. Cause we're, we're considered part of media. Yeah.

You know? Yeah. I think it's funny that my show is like, well, who farted loudest today? And that's, but they're like, yeah, you farted in the media. But it is. I mean, look, if the fucking regular news, that horse shit, if that's media, you know, if that's media, we're definitely media. Yeah.

I don't know. I think with the time and like wisdom and having experienced and observed media for a while now, and you get to like a traumatic thing like this pandemic you i really look at i watch news i've always consumed a lot of news i'm like so much of this is just ridiculous sensationalism you know it really is all that same there's no there's no different the big news organizations than those bullshit click things. It's almost like news should be nonprofit. I got a fucking breaking story for you. I forgot.

I cannot believe I almost forgot this. So you know the guy in those texts, the big black guy who's sitting with his cock out? Yeah. Let's explain that. It's a trick. People always say the link. Oh, my God. It's now killing more 20-year-olds than any disease ever.

You're like, what? He clicked the link. And there's this jacked black dude with a dick that looks like my leg. Sitting on the edge of the bed looking like he's like, have you seen a bigger dick? Right. That's what his expression is. And it's limp. It's limp.

Yeah, there he is. There he is. That guy. Yeah. So. Breaking news? Yeah, this is breaking news. He's dead, right? He's dead.

He died a few years ago. And by the way, that meme has gone viral. I get 25 a day from different people. I have a doctor friend who sends me, I'm like, Jesus Christ. So it's like, it's not just in like a comedy circle.

And I'm sure people listening or watching have, have, have seen it as well. So I, I was like, man, who is this fucking guy? Right.

Like I, you kind of just get curious. You keep seeing this and it's like, sort of like this sense of relief of, from the seriousness of the day, right? You'll be having – you're just seeing like these people died and quarantines. And then you get this ridiculous text and it's this guy. So I saw an article where the photographer who took that photo was like – he was like, oh, it's so sad that people are using his image that way because, you know, he passed away,

and he thought it was kind of offensive that he was being used to prank or whatever. And he said, you know, I saw that people started selling merch with this guy's face on it, and he goes, I just wish, he goes, I own the photograph and I'm not trying to come after anyone. I just wish they would share proceeds of that merch with the family. So I saw that and I was like, oh, I want to do that. So I launched a shirt with that guy's face on it that says, wash your hands. And then. Wash your hands.

And then I go, I want to give the proceeds to this man's family. So because of that article, I reached out to people. I was able to get in touch with the photographer, the guy who took that picture. And then I found I got in touch with his, the, the, the model's fiance who, you know, his ex, I mean, whatever, he passed away. So anyways, I contacted her. I found her. I've learned a little bit about this guy in that photo and I'm giving them the proceeds from the shirt sales, all of them. All the profits will go to them. And I also found that when he died, the family wasn't prepared financially for anything. So they had to set up a GoFundMe for his funeral and tombstone and all that.

So I'm going to blast it out. And I talked to them. Oh, beautiful. They're happy with it. So that's my breaking news. That's the breaking news. That's the breaking news. That's important news.

Jamie told me his dick's not really as big. I didn't get into that with it. So that's my breaking news. That's the breaking news. That's important news. Jamie told me his dick's not really as big. I didn't get into that with her. Jamie said that it's photoshopped. I've heard that as well. I saw the original blog post it came from. You did? Let's see what the original hog looks like. I have to find it now. Oh, please don't tell me that's going to take a while. Could you pull that up?

Someone on Twitter. I saw it on Twitter. Let's see the original hog, please. I didn't Google it, so I have to find the link. Just Google original big penis guy's hog. I'm sure that'll come up. That's not how you find that, Joe. There's going to be a lot of photos that come up.

Show me the original black dick. Adam and Eve. It was funny. You know what was crazy? When I reached out, I found, it took me like, I was doing like detective work, you know, to find her. And she was like, I found out about this meme today. She was like, I didn't even know this was a thing. How did she find out?

Oh, people are not sending it to her. I think so. Yeah. And then someone was like, have you checked out your neighborhood? Remember your dead husband? Hill, oh well. Yeah. dead husband? Hill O.L. Yeah. So, yeah.

Anyways. Yeah. Oh, well. First of all, she's engaged to a porn star. That's got to be weird. No, but she wasn't. She wasn't. No.

She explained to me. She goes, he did those photos when it was a really bad time in his life. He needed money to save the house that he grew up in that was his now. Oh, so he just started slinging that big dick. Yeah, started slinging that dick around. How much money can you make slinging dick as a dude, though? It's like 50 bucks.

I think you can get more than that. I don't think they make much money. I think the girls make the money, and even they don't make much money. True. It is crazy when you think about in terms of like, you did a blow bang for a 500 like that's crazy you needed money yeah but if you need the money then you're just like who's gonna see that yeah that's what but if it's a good one people will pass it around i saw a clip once of

it was like after a scene was shot and then the girl was like is anybody gonna see this and they were like they all started looking at each other yeah, it's going on the internet. She goes, no, I don't want it to be there. And they're like, that's what you signed up for. She started to cry. No. Yeah. Oh.

Yeah, if someone's really dumb and they wind up doing porn, they don't get it. Like, what do you mean? You saw it? You weren't there. How did you see it? How did you see it? How'd you see it went online? Oh? No, can other people see it yeah, yeah, and they have well here's the crazy thing the sheer number of

Porns like how many porno videos are there dude? It's like and how much are they how much are you cranking out every day? You go to any of those sites, it's just like every day they're like here's 10,000 more. I just have a bit about who's, why are they making new porn? Because no one's seen all of them. Yeah. It's not like movies where you have to follow the plot. It's like who's jerked

off to every porn ever? No one. It has to be some people's world though where they're just like so. Well, some guys get obsessed with a girl. Yeah. You know? When are you coming out with new content? Yeah.

And they go to those. Only fans. The meetups. You know? Oh, yes. You see the billboards in LA. Yeah. Adult con.

Expos. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they always show footage of those with the hot chicks and then the guys. That's where the next coronavirus is coming from. Those guys. Those guys. Those sweaty-handed dudes. All those guys look like they're in fucking Tiger King.

Have you seen that Netflix series? Yes. I watched it yesterday. We were watching it yesterday. Isn't it amazing? Amazing. I only got halfway into it, though, and I had a microphone call. Yeah, I'm three in.

Unbelievable. I vowed to watch the rest of it. How did he lose his legs? Spoiler alert. Zip line accident, he said. Zip line accident. Jesus Christ. I thought a tiger took his legs out. Do you see that bad bitch, though, who got her arm

and she was like... Went back to work. Five days later, she was like, I was never upset about it. You know? What? Tiger bit off your fucking arm and you weren't upset? And she's taking... They're filming her with a stub you're like what what's going on with her and that camera's on the guy joe exotic yeah as it's happening he's like i'm never gonna financially recover from this that was his main concern financially recover how about the one they're talking about shutting him down it's like this is gonna be bigger than Waco. Oh, God. Yeah. I'm like, what? Yeah. That sheriff was like-

Are you going to shoot people if they try to take your tigers? Yeah, he would. I'm sure he would. Dude. It literally is my bit from my last, no, my triggered Netflix special, my 2016 Netflix special, Come to Life. Yeah. That bit about tigers in Texas.

Yeah. That you could just have them. Yeah. Yeah. I had a bit about about i had a bit years before that about the ohio oh the guy yeah i had a bit about that they used to be like one of my that guy blew his brains out right he just let him let everybody out of the cage and then blew his brains out somebody else deal with this let tigers and lions that police footage and they're

like and and seeing the guy give the press conference. He's like, he reads, he's like, this, a cat. And then he looks up and he's like, and 16 lions. He's like, fuck. And they just had to run around and gun them down. Oh, my God. It was terrible. Those cops were not prepared for that either. Those cops aren't big game hunters.

They're just lucky they got them all. Yeah. They were not prepared for that either. Those cops aren't big game hunters. They're just lucky they got them all. Yeah. They're not prepared for that. In the same way cops are not trained for combat. People forget that when there's these big shootings and they're like, why didn't the cops go in there? They're not trained for that, man. Do you remember the North Hollywood shootout? Yeah, of course.

I was on news radio at the time and we were all held up in the fucking, we were in the break room watching it. We were like, what the fuck? We were like eating, looking up at this camera where these guys wearing armored vests and high-powered rifles. M16s and shit, yeah. Shooting at cops. Crazy. That I remember. I was in high school, and I was watching that, and I was like, that's what California's like.

That's what, you know what I mean? You go, that can only happen in California. Yeah. For people who don't know, that was a game changer. That was a bank robbery where guys had, like, fully automatic machine guns. Yeah, and armored vehicles. Well, they didn't have armored vehicles, but they had, like, full bulletproof vests and suits. Yeah.

And they were fully locked up. They were on steroids and coke. And it was like real life Grand Theft Auto shit, man. Like real life. Yeah. Like shooting these fully automatic guns at helicopters and shit, too. And anybody that came in the way. Yeah.

I remember there was one. Were they coked up and everything? Oh, yeah. Sure. There was one activist that was upset because the cops let one guy bleed out. They're like, they could have taken him to the hospital and they chose not to. Like, what the fuck is wrong? But it made me realize, like, there's going to be people that complain about everything no matter what.

Everything. Everything. Yeah, and they just want to be heard. It's like they just want, they want to have a hot take on things. And they're just waiting for the group of people that go like, good point. Yeah. That feels valid. There's always going to be people that do that too.

Yeah. No matter, there's so many of us. There's always going to be someone that agrees with your stupid point. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. And that's what social media thrives off of. Oh, yeah. I have a stupid point to make. Who else agrees with your stupid point. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. And that's what, like, social media thrives off of. Oh, yeah. I have a stupid point to make.

Who else agrees with me? There's always someone. No matter what, there's always someone. Like, you could have the most ridiculous point. There's always going to be someone who's like, I'm with him. It's just a numbers game. Yeah.

And then they find those people, and then they get on a Reddit page somewhere, and they all get together, and then they agree with each other. Yeah. And then they think, oh, the rest of the world's fucked. And then they just have this echo chamber. Yeah. People love doing that. I mean, that's what flat earthers do. Sure.

I mean, have you ever gone- Did you watch that doc on Rocketman? Did you watch him die I watched the did you see Rocketman die no wait you want to see that okay yeah he shot that rocket up in the air to try to prove that the earth was flat and they didn't fasten the parachute correctly to the capsule. And so the parachute goes off with the initial launch. Oh, fuck. Yeah.

The parachute's gone, like, right away. And then it falls down. Here it goes. Wait, so set up what's happening here. So this guy, he decided he was going to prove that the Earth was flat, so he built a rocket and launched himself up into the air. He had done it once before, but this time he launched himself really high to try to film the Earth. So watch.

Boom. Look. Oh, there's the parachute. Parachute's gone. Oh. He shoots straight up in the air, and then like, oh, my God. What is this breaking news? These fucking idiots.

So watch. It comes down right here. There it is. Oh, so he's just on that he's on that full speed on the way down and he's waiting for the parachute to go off boom yeah no parachute just boom so how'd the experiment go not good not well not good or perfect how did how did these guys really think that i mean how fucking dumb are you? They're pretty dumb. But here's the other thing.

How gross is it that in a video like that you have to have like, and coming up next, like a giant preview video. It's the guy dying in this. Jesus. Have some respect, you fuck. Jesus Christ. It's, you know, it's the type of person. Did you speak in like that crazy shit?

Have you seen like Tom Hanks' comments? About coronavirus? No, no, the comments in his posts? No. Dude, all the top comments are like, you are a pedophile. You fucked all these kids. And it's like dozens of them. What? Yes. Tom Hanks?

Well, because there's like that there's like flat earthers, I'm saying. There's the people who are like, Hollywood is a pedophilia conspiracy. It is I mean, I, cause I want to just be like, oh, what's, you know, is he recovering? I just always went to his page.

Is this on Twitter? No, Instagram. And it's like significant number of them. And like with hundreds and thousands of likes and. What? Yes. Who, I've never heard this. It's so strange. Who thinks that Tom Hanks is a pedophile?

I think they think that any high a-list hollywood person automatically is a pedophile god his son responded did you see that no no i did not his son who like has made those weird videos last recently like yeah with the reggae voice and stuff yeah he made a video trolling everyone saying like we're in the illuminati, that's funny. And like, oh, God. What's up, everyone? Yeah, it's true. My parents got coronavirus. Crazy. They're both down in Australia right now because my dad was shooting a movie down there.

But I just got off the phone with them. But the Instagram comments... They're not even that sick. They're not worried about it. They're not tripping, but they're going through the necessary health precautions, obviously. But I don't think it's anything to be too worried about i appreciate um everyone's concern sorry this is not the one where he talks about the illuminati hey guys i'm really stressed out right now um it's been coming to my attention that a lot of trump supporters have been figuring

out the truth about me and my family you know being, being in the, uh, you know what I'm talking about? And I don't know what to do right now because everything's starting to come to light. I mean, these extremely reliable websites like 4chan, 8chan have been exposing shit. And it's like, if somebody wrote it on the internet, you know, it must be true. And it is true. So it's like, I don't know how this is going to affect our whole New World agenda. Ever since The Simpsons predicted my dad being the spokesperson for the coronavirus, even though they didn't predict anything, it's just been troublesome to say the least. I guess I'm just going to have to work extra hard at my human sacrifices. I'm late for one right now, and I'm a little hungry, so I might eat someone's pinot can.

Okay. Yeah. now and I'm a little hungry so I might eat someone's pick okay okay yeah why does he have that all-seeing eye tattooed in the middle of his chest he's a lot tattoos it's a weird chore rapper what do you got there Tom I was looking at I pulled up the Hanks's comments like they're so outrageous you know it's like what what started it off it's this whole concept that like any A-list Hollywood type. I don't know what the origin is of that. But if it's like, you know, Spielberg, Hanks, Crew.

Like any of those big time names, they're like, you're part of the pedophile ring. Because that's how they get to be huge. You have to be a part of the pedophile ring for them to let you become a big movie star. I think so. It's so exhausting. Yeah. It's so exhausting. Yeah. It's so exhausting, these fucking people. It's exhausting.

Again, we need a disease that kills morons. This could be it. I don't think it is. No. Yeah. What if they're invulnerable? What if it's like a disease that literally lowers the mean IQ of the world? That's possible. Like if you're really smart, you just die.

Oh, my God. Well, this is a weird disease, too, because my friend, Dr. Peter Attia, he said there's some speculation that it might be related to genetics and blood type. People that are more vulnerable to it. Right. Isn't it O type? O positive seems to be the least vulnerable and A seems to that are more vulnerable to it. Right. Isn't it O type? O positive seems to be the least vulnerable and A seems to be the most vulnerable. Interesting. I don't even know my blood type.

You should know. I don't. Dun, dun, dun. I should text my doctor. You should. Find out, bro, if you're vulnerable. And then don't let Bert sneeze on you. He's going to survive everything.

He'll be fine. I know. At the survive everything. Everything. He'll be fine. I know. At the end of it all. He'll be like 85. I really do hope that this is a wake-up call for him when he gets off those fucking medications. We talked about it yesterday. Yeah. Getting off blood pressure medication.

Doesn't he need it? No, he's fat. He just needs to stop being fat. If he stopped drinking so much, he wouldn't need blood pressure medication. He's fucking boozing every night if he just took three months off and exercise and ate well and didn't drink bullshit and didn't eat sugar i guarantee you he wouldn't need any of that well this actually quarrent that the benefit of this is that you know where he really goes the hardest is uh on the road yes the road really fucks with him we talked talked about that yesterday. Like, I asked him if he was a prisoner to this sort of image that he's created, and

he's like, kind of, yeah. Definitely. Yeah. I mean, that party animal image is, it's unsustainable. It's also, he doesn't, you know, he has that personality where he doesn't want to let somebody down. So if somebody, even if he's done for the night, he's like, all right, I'm definitely going in. Yeah. And somebody's like, all right, I'm definitely going in.

Yeah. And somebody's like, hey man, one more shot. One more shot. He's going to go. Okay, let's do it.

Come on. He's going to do it. Were you a Hunter S. Thompson fan at all? No, I never, I never really, you know, got into it,

was exposed to it that much. I'm a big fan of his. And when he died, one of the saddest things was watching the interviews before he died because he was a saddest things was watching the interviews before he died because he was a heavy boozer, drug user. Yeah, I know that.

Deep into his 60s, right? Yeah. How old was he when he died? He was in his 70s when he died, I think. Was he 70s? How old was Hirons Tops when he died? Sorry, I just... What are you doing?

I finally just found that link. Oh, the guy's original dick? It took me to a fucking... I'm deep on the internet right now. Oh. Do you want to see where I'm at? Let's just show the dick. Let's see the original dick.

He's like, it's deep right now. It's huge. It's a different picture. But that's a different picture. It's the same photo shoot. Right, but where's the actual photo? Whoa. See, that's what I'm saying. Hold on.

Is he eating someone's ass? Scroll down. Scroll down. Keep scrolling. I think it's a different guy. It's a different guy. This is a know your meme thing. Guy's a giant dick there, dude. I don't know what you're talking about.

Look at the size of his heart. It's not the same one, though. That's a weird angle right there.. I don't know what you're talking about. Look at the size of his hog. It's not the same one, though, is all I was... It's a different... Well, that's a weird angle right there. Anyway, you could make that bigger so we can... We need to analyze it. Yeah, yeah. It's still a giant hog, bro. Looks like it's not a small dick.

I think you're wrong, Jamie. I think it's the same hog. Hot and beefy. I'm not the one saying it. I'm repeating it. Muscle bear. Oh, muscle bear. So he was doing that kind of porn.

Yeah. Oh. Okay. I think he's doing... It looks like he was doing that kind of porn. Yeah. Oh. Okay. I think he's doing, looks like he's doing solo shots, you know. Okay. Just take pictures of me. I need some money. Just take pictures of me beaten off.

Yeah. There's a lot of money in that. Maybe. I don't know. Starting only fans, Jamie. What were we just talking about before that? We were talking about Bert and partying and... Fuck.

On the road, not being on the road. Yeah, we passed that, though. We're talking about new stuff. People at home are screaming. We're not even high. How about that? I know. Not even high, my memory sucks.

Being a prisoner, though, to that. Oh, Hunter S. Thompson. Hunter S. Thompson. Sorry. When he was, oh, how old was he when he died? That's the question. When he died, you barely could understand a word he was saying. Because he was so.

He would just stumble all of his words in together. 67. That's incredible. I think I remember that. Didn't he kill himself after a football game? No, he killed himself because the NFL was over. Well, that's what I mean. Well, there was no NFL.

It was after the Super Bowl or something, right? He got in an argument with his wife. He shot at her with a pellet gun and then went inside and blew his brains out. Something along those lines. But when he died before he died he would uh go on conan and you know take conan with him in the backyard have you ever seen those videos he had this house in woody creek which is outside of aspen and he would shoot guns

out there and had conan come and visit him and uh you could barely understand a word he was saying. He was so fucked up. It's like his ability to express himself was just gone. It was just all the words blurred and mumbled together. Yeah, birds in danger of that kind of thing? Sure. 20 years from now, if he keeps going hard in the paint every night, I mean, when Hunter was in his 40s, he was fine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When Hunter was in his 40s is when he was running for sheriff, I think. I think. Maybe it was his 30s. I don't know. It's just that life of boozing is so unsustainable. Yeah. The pot smoking thing is so sustainable.

It's so shocking. Like, you thing is so sustainable. It's so shocking. Like, you talk to Tommy Chong, he's fine. He's like 80 years old. He's been smoking pot his whole life. He can talk to you fine. Yeah. But the booze will wear on you. The booze crushes you.

That's true. What was the other author? That guy really got fucked up. Bukowski? Yeah. Man. Yeah. How did he die?

Was it alcoholism? No way. No? Did he kill himself? I don't know. I forget. But I remember he looked like fucking shit. He looked like hell.

Yeah. Remember Mickey Rourke played him in that movie Barfly? Uh-uh. You don't remember? No. Yeah, Mickey Rourke and Faye Dunaway. I just remember barfly leukemia leukemia and probably related to alcohol for sure but when he i remember the the footage of

when the documentary crew was in his house he's like you fucking cunt yeah he kicks her kick the girl yeah whoa that's how they rocked it all day long. That was the way they lived. Yeah. Yeah, that white trash, romanticized white trash, boozy life. It's very strange. Because he was a brilliant poet. Yeah. He would write interesting shit. And you'd go, wow.

That book, Post Office, that's fantastic. Yeah. Yeah. He did a lot of great stuff. Great short pieces. Yeah. But, you know great stuff. Great short pieces. Yeah. But, you know, his life was just gross. Yeah.

Dude, yeah. It was Hollywood gross, you know? Like living in Hollywood, just going to the bars, drinking. Bars, bars, bars, yeah. Smoking and talking slow. Oh, man. I know. I can't imagine.

I mean, thinking about it makes me feel sick like to be in bars just drinking and smoking all day all day yeah just going to bars and talking shit yeah like there's uh some funny videos of him reading uh reading his stories reading like doing public readings and people are interrupting him he's threatening to stab them yeah yeah yeah he was he was a wild dude yeah yeah yeah i mean but that was part of his appeal part of his appeal was that here's this guy it's like he's not trying to be commercially successful he's not trying to buy a mansion and have a big yard fence he's just living in some shitty apartment drinking heavily and just cranking out work i remember reading his stuff for the first time and just being like i didn't know anybody wrote like this yeah because of how like

he would be so vulgar in it too you know i know yeah i really liked it a lot of people did you should see Barfly. Yeah, I should. It's weird. Mickey Rourke plays it. He does a weird take on him, too. A toast to all my friends. He's always getting in fights.

He's, like, at this bar getting fucked up and getting in fights, getting his ass kicked. But it's just this agreement that everyone has. Like, everyone's fucked up, and you're all just going to meet together at this place and be fucked up together and live your fucked up lives all drunk. Yeah, I don't know, man. It's not for me, but I enjoy watching it.

Do you have moments with Burt where you're alone with him off camera where you try to talk some sense into him? About like his crazy lifestyle stuff? About the booze. Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah, I've talked to him before about it. I mean, you know, the thing about him is that he's so like high functioning and he is the perfect person to be – he has the perfect defense of like I'm fine because he can do so much.

And he's not sleeping in. He's getting up with the kids for school. He's going on tour. Joey says he goes back to bed. Does he? Yeah. I don't know that. He goes back to bed.

He's drinking at 11. Joey. He goes back to bed. That's what Joey 11. Joey. He goes back to bed. That's what Joey said. I go, really? He goes, yeah. Tells you he gets up with the kids. That motherfucker sleeps till 2 in the afternoon.

Really? He goes right back to bed. Joey told me the other day, he goes, I got too fucked up the other day. Too fucked up? Yeah. He's like, even me. I go, what happened? He's like, I fight some 400 milligram thing.

I fell asleep. Vicodin? No, no, no. 400 milligrams THC. Oh, oh, oh. And he goes, he's like, I fight some 400 milligram thing. I fell asleep. Viconin? No, no, no. 400 milligrams THC. Oh, oh, oh. And he goes, he's like, Tom Segura. You know, he says your full fucking name. Yeah.

Tom Segura. I had M&Ms in my teeth on the sleep apnea machine. So he's like, it was bad. My wife saw me, and she was like, what are you doing? He goes, what do you prefer? That I do this, or I'm out there robbing people? He gives you some fucked up options. Yeah, and she was like, good point.

That's not a good point. No. Those aren't the two options you have. If anybody, if I had a magic wand and one person to fix their lifestyle, it would be Joey. It would be clean up his diet. Yeah. That's got to be as unhealthy as Bert, if not more. Yeah.

Because he's so big. And, you know, he's 60 years old almost. You can't last being that big. And this is already, but he's already in a much better place than he was 10 years prior, right? Yes. But, well, no, 10 years ago, he lost a shitload of weight. Okay. There was one point in time where he lost like 80 pounds.

Yeah. Remember, he said, my head looked too Okay. There was one point in time where he lost like 80 pounds. Yeah. Remember? He said, my head looked too big. That was like his reasoning. I got to gain weight again? Reasoning for gaining weight. But he can do it. Yeah.

Like Red Band did that too. Red Band got really skinny. Red Band got down like 160. He did. Remember that? Yes. And then I went a long time without seeing him. Then I saw him again and he put on a bunch.

Yeah. But he's a capable. I mean, we're capable of it you know i go up and down all the time i'm just like you know for me you can always tell if i'm gaining weight it's not exercise for me it's that i started eating sugar again you know like i worked out like crazy last year like there was points where i was working out like out of 75 days I'd work out like 62 of them, you know? Wow. But I was not dropping weight. Because you were eating. I was eating, yeah.

Yeah, you want a reward for all that hard working out and you eat a piece of cake. Yeah, and then I also, sometimes it's not even the cake. It's like I'll just, you'll see somebody who works out a lot and eats like a large balanced diet. And I'll be like, well, I want to do that'll see somebody who works out a lot and eats, like, a large balanced diet. And I'll be like, well, I want to do that. You know what you should do? Eat nothing but duck eggs for a whole month.

You lose so much weight. Gooey jizz in my mouth. You lose so much weight. You'll be like. I have to eliminate. This is the noise you make when you eat a duck egg. You're really going to cripple the duck egg industry with this one. They can suck my dick.

All those duck egg selling assholes. I'm going to stick to chicken eggs. They're better. They're better. Duck eggs are okay. Maybe people are into them. Maybe I cooked them wrong. I'm sorry, duck egg people.

Yeah, you're going to get some messages about that. But I have to do the protein fat fat thing i have to yeah it's like the only way that i'll not blow up did you quit the carnivore diet yeah how long did you last i did it hardcore for about a month and then i did how long before the diarrhea went away it was about 10 days i got a text from you this diarrhea is astonishing it was it was that's such a a great name for diarrhea. Astonishing. I have photos on my phone that I saved because I'm like, this is crazy.

I have ink. It's black ink. The other real special diarrhea that I had was when, you know, so I went from just doing that hardcore to having some greens, but meat, you know, meat and fat, and then some greens. That was fine. It was when that first day of like, ah, fuck it, going to have some pasta and a donut today. And then it was like, brr, like just immediate crazy shits. Crazy shits. Your body's like, make up your mind.

Yeah. I'm here to punish you. I had to hold on to the side of the seat to fucking. Launch. Like Rocket Man. Really, really extraordinary. Yeah. Launch. Like Rocket Man. Really, really extraordinary. Yeah. Yeah.

There's a volume that's astonishing, right? It's like the amount that comes out. I don't even think I ate that much. You would know too. You had like this warning. Your stomach does things. It tells you like, you're going to want to sit down for this one.

Yeah. There's like little explosions. Like, pop, pop, pop. Yeah. And when you feel the liquid, you feel water in your gut. I think I strengthened my asshole muscles, though. That's good. Because I was clamping them down so often where I was like, yikes!

And then I barely made it to the toilet. That is, yeah, this is... I just never saw it coming because most of what I was eating before was kind of carnivoresque. And then I would have like a little bit of vegetables or some pasta or something like that. But I lost 12 pounds in a month and she got shredded pretty easy. And I kept most of it off.

I think I gained maybe three or four because I went back to eating pasta and bread. And during this quarantine, I'm not on any diet. I gained maybe three or four because I went back to eating pasta and bread. And during this quarantine, I'm not on any diet. I'm just – because my concern is just – I mean, what if it's hard to get food? Yeah. I want to make sure that I'm just eating food. Yeah. I'm not thinking about the way I look.

I don't think diet is a real big concern. I mean, I'm not trying to like go off the rails, but it's like, yeah. Yeah. I lost 10 in that month. Oh, that's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If you just cut out the sugar, you just feel so much better too.

You do. And I see the fucking, I see the dark cycle that happens when I start with sugar. Like when I start being like i'll have this today and that tomorrow oreo yeah double stuff oreo and then i i realized that like i don't even want it but i'm craving it you know yeah yeah and i know it fucking yeah just the thing that i get when i'll eat carnivore well i'll have a big steak right so i'll eat a steak and then i'm done i'm done eating but unless want a cookie, then I can have more room. I got more room for that cookie.

Yeah, yeah. Or pasta. I got more room for that pasta. It's incredible on the carnivore thing, the amount that I can eat and not feel like that stuff feeling at all. At all. Like a 22 ounce fucking T-bone.

And you feel fine. I feel fine. And you don't feel wrecked. No. No. Yeah. It's the best feeling after food because you don't feel like you fucked up. Yeah. You feel like you have all your mental capacity.

You have full mental capabilities. You can think and talk. And when I eat a big bowl, like if I eat lasagna or something like that, I'm not talking to nobody about nothing. No. If you talk to me, I don't know what I'm saying i'm just going what yeah what are we talking about brain shuts down and i start to go like like you know those types of burps the gut starts to like push out more and then i'll start ripping crazy farts like i farted last christina made this pasta

dish and last night i farted so crazy she goes do you even respect me anymore like I was like yeah but I mean this is what's going on right now this happens this is marriage do your kids understand farts yet oh yeah well like uh my oldest will be like you're a fart and uh how old is he now? He's four. And he loves him. He talks about him. And he even has that thing that like the almost implied shame. Like, did you just fart? He's like, no, I didn't fart.

You fart. Like, he knows that like, you know what I mean? Like, you don't want to be. Right, the farter. Yeah. And then my youngest is, what, 20 months. You fart. He's like, he just like nods and smiles.

He thinks it's great. He thinks it's great. Farts are always going to be funny with some kids. Yeah. Just one of those things. Two little boys, man. They just, they love it. Yeah.

Yeah. You got little savages. I do. My oldest is like, he called me a little fuck the other day. Whoa. Yeah. Whoa. And threw little in there.

He goes, you little fuck. And I was like, hey. What? Over what? It was like, hey, no, you can't have that right now. He was like, oh. He's like, little fuck. I go, what was that?

He goes, you little fuck. I go, no. I go, you don't do that. You don't do that. But daddy, you do that for a living. Yeah, exactly. And he goes, well, you're a jerk. And I go, you don't call me that either.

Where are you getting this? Yeah. Call me a fuck. You little fuck. You, exactly. And he goes, well, you're a jerk. And I go, you don't call me that either. Where are you getting this? Yeah. Call me a fuck. You little fuck. You little fuck. When are you going to let him watch you on television? You know, I've tried to do it for a moment to see like what his interest is. I'll be like, hey, check this. Who's this? And it'll be like me.

And I'll show it to him. And he's like, yeah, anyway. And he just immediately turns away. He doesn't give a fuck. He's like, put the fucking Paw Patrol back on. Paw Patrol. Yeah. He's like, I don't care. I know they don't care it's you. You're right here right in front of me.

What do I give a shit if you're on the phone? Yeah, doesn't care. One day he's going to appreciate it. One day. Are your kids into it yet? They get weirded out by it. Have they seen people approach you? They do not like that.

Yeah. They do not like that. Yeah. My littlest especially does not like that. Nice. They do not like that. Yeah. My littlest, especially, does not like that. Because people don't pay attention to her. They just start talking to me. And if she's talking to me, people interrupt her to talk to me. And it gets her really angry.

She'll pull on me. Yeah. That makes sense. It does. It makes sense. My oldest saw it, somebody talking to me, and they walked away. I could tell he wanted to be like, what was that all about? Do you know that guy?

Yeah. He was just like, anyway. My kids always say that. Do you know him? I'm like, no. I'm like, but he comes up to you like he knows you. I go, yeah. Like, it took them a while to figure out.

They've never seen me perform, but one time we were all in Irvine together and I was doing the improv and I snuck them backstage I'm like you want to see what the crowd looks like and then like they like peek behind the counter and they're like

oh my god there's so many people I'm like yeah I go and this is only a comedy club this isn't even a theater and it's not even an arena yeah

it's crazy yeah so I want them to come to an arena one day just to see how bonkers that is you have to because it's so bonkers that is. You have to. Because it's so bonkers.

Of course. It's going to blow their minds. They'd be like, wait a minute, wait a minute. They're here for you? All these fucking people? Yeah. But who knows if that'll ever happen again? I know.

Who knows? Yeah. No one saw this coming. I mean, people that put on, like, concerts and sporting events. Entertainment has completely shifted. Other than this kind of shit. Yeah, this is it. This is it.

Yeah, this is it. Yeah, somebody was, you know, I saw these ideas because people were, you know, doing virtual performance. You know, whatever. You can go live and play a guitar or sing. And they're like, people are like, you should do virtual comedy shows. You have to have the live audience. What's that dude's name that did that one comedy special, Gerard Carmichael

filmed it? I don't know his name. I don't know his name, but I know you're talking that was the no audience comedy special. It's a strange concept. Terrible idea. Yeah, when Gerard was telling me, I was like, what? What are you going to do? I think the idea of the audience has played out.

The audience? Is that what he said? You mean the most important part of a comedy show? The fact there's people there to laugh? It's an unusual... So you know that it's funny? I'm like, all right. I think they took a swing.

Yeah. It didn't work out. I mean, I guess, you know, I respect taking high risk, you know. That's a dumb risk, though. That's like, I'm going to swim, but with no water. What do you think of that, bro? I'm going to swim in the bottom of the pool. I'm just going to see who can just do swimming motions, see how fast I can get across the pool.

It is strange. I mean, like, that's one that I never thought somebody would try to do. I never thought HBO would go, great idea. HBO signs off on a lot of outrageous ideas. I don't think they know what they're doing. Yeah. I mean, they made Game of Thrones, so they're probably like, well, we know it. We got it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're the shit. Well, they hit a home run for sure. Every cycle of shows, they always have one that goes, oh, my God. Did you watch The Outsider? No. It's great. I watched McMillions. Did you watch The Outsider? No. It's great. I watched McMillions.

That was fantastic. I didn't see that. Oh, that's the McDonald's one? Mm-hmm. Is that HBO as well? It's HBO, yeah. Good? My cousin made that.

It was great. Really? Your cousin made it? Cousin made it. No shit. Yeah, it's fantastic. It is such a cool fucking story. The whole scope of that scam is, it will fucking blow your mind.

What is the scam? So it was a lottery thing or something like that? From, so you obviously remember the Monopoly game that you would play, right? I don't. So, oh yeah, you're kind of healthy. But back, so, but it was humongous. So what happened was,

they would do it like, maybe like twice a year where they would go the Monopoly McDonald's game. And what happened is you go to McDonald's and you would buy a happy meal or Big Mac and on like the fries and the drink would be like a peel off thing and you could win prizes. So you pull off a thing and you like, you could win, it could be, it's something as small as like you want free fries. So you could be like, Hey, I got, you know, I won another order of fries or a Coke or a jet ski or a car. And then there were cash prizes, million dollar prizes. So by, by playing the game, which was essentially buy something, buy a meal and it would drive up sales, obviously, right? Like,

sales would go way up because people were wanting to win these prizes. Well, everybody that won for this, I want to say, I forget now, but like 15 year period or something, they were all fake winners. A guy was stealing pieces and giving them to giving it to, you know, people he knows. And they're talking about it in the series like people connected to him. They're like, after a while, it's like it's weird that, you know, 10 winners have won in like this 300 mile radius and eight of them are Italian. We're like, we got to branch out a little bit because no one's like tipped off yet because the guy was, you know, Italian. He was going to like friends and family yeah it was it was really fucking crazy and then amazing they kept their mouth shut they kept their mouth shut and they would have gotten away with it i mean they were getting away with it it was just it was they got tipped off fbi got tipped off

and then this whole investigation that's what the series it's a six part series. That's what it reveals is just the scale and the scope of this incredible scam. It was a scam, man. Did this guy work for McDonald's? No. There's all these different characters in it, but basically McDonald's had to hire a company that would oversee the game like the security of the game and they would also have to hire another company to print you know like the game pieces and all that and within those companies the corruption lied McDonald's didn't know wow and it it but the story is fast And the characters are outrageous, too. I mean, the Columbo family is part of it. You know, the crime family.

I got to watch it. It's good, man. It's really good. There's so many of those multi-series or multi-show documentaries now that are fascinating. Oh, yeah. Like Wild Wild Country, like that kind of shit, where you're just like, what? And when these networks get behind something like that, like this Tiger King thing too, you're like, man, that's why you need that platform, right?

Like an HBO or Netflix to be like, tell us the whole story. Show it. It's fucking awesome. Yeah. Or Wild Country, right? Wild Country, yeah. You need something that's going to play out for five or six episodes. You have to. where three episodes in

you're like how the fuck did I not know about this what was that one do you remember the one a couple years ago was it the staircase something like that yeah I never saw that one that was fucking good too was someone killed his ex wife or something like that

yes dude you just cannot believe some of the twists and turns of something like this. It's just and then there was like that part of that. I mean, I'm jumping around and the owl theory where they're like, maybe an owl came and attacked her. And that's what. Yes. Yes. Yes. And they were like, there were owls in that area. It could have happened. Like people have all these conspiracy theories. It's amazing. It's amazing.

It's amazing how many people got away with crimes before like DNA evidence. Do you ever think about how easy it probably was for people 25 years ago? If you were a sociopath? Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Just travel around whacking people. No cameras, no DNA.

Yeah. I mean, the, the, what's the big one that we just, the golden state killer. Well, that was the one that Patton Oswalt's wife was working on. Yes. She was writing that book. What are you playing over there?

Oh, is it playing sound? Yeah. Oh, sorry. What is that? I was looking at the video that Robert Durst guy, he's on trial right now.

That was the other one. The, that fucking series was fantastic. What was that guy's name? His name's Robert Durst. I don't remember what the show. That was the other one. That fucking series was fantastic. What was that guy's name? His name's Robert Durst. I don't remember what the show was called. No, but what was the show called? I don't remember.

That's where I got that song. Yeah, Blood. Yeah, yeah. I remember that we were doing a gig, and I was like, check out this song. That's where I got that song, the Bad Blood. The Jinx. The Jinx. Did you watch it?

Nope. Fucking excellent. Yeah, I read the story, jinx did you watch it nope fucking excellent yeah i read the story but i didn't watch it it's really good and it's super creepy like you're following along and then in the final episode he's doing his weird fucking he has black eyes you know like there's no color they're black and he gets up to use the restroom and the mic's still hot and he's talking to himself in the restroom. You see like the camera's like locked off, filming a wall. And he's like, yeah, I killed them all.

They don't realize I killed them all. It's a fucking weird moment. Why does he have such black eyes? What's that about? I don't know, man. So this trial's going on right now? Yeah, well, it might be on hold because of the virus. But yeah, it just started earlier this month, like two weeks ago.

That's another really cool series. How crazy is the Harvey Weinstein? How's the corona? Test it on now. That's going to kill him, right? I think so. I mean, we don't know, but he really looked like, I mean, he always looked like shit, but he looked like particularly

a hot bag of shit uh like walking trial oh my god and for the sentencing when he came in with the walker and everything like what the fuck do you think that that was a scam that he was trying to pretend that he was more hurt than he was probably probably i mean he was a movie producer so he knows right how to play it up yeah but he did look like shit he really did in a way that you can't fake like his face was hanging off he looked fat and he did look like he was like i don't know like needing that support almost of that you know i mean the guy was walking upright a few months ago it seemed like i know well also the stress of that life, of having the weight of his past come tumbling down on him. And imagine going up to Harvey Weinstein four years ago and go, dude, I want to show you what the future looks like for you.

He'd be like, get the fuck out of here. That's never going to happen. Never. Never, man. Yeah, I mean, imagine going up to Cosby and telling him that I know like you're the most beloved father figure in this country yeah I mean just before that like just before things went sideways you know he wouldn't have fucking been like what are you talking about I think that his story is less shocking, the result. Like the Harvey Weinstein thing, I guess I didn't know he was a piece of shit. I had no idea, but I knew that Cosby was. Right.

We had all kind of heard that Cosby was a piece of shit. We all knew that he was. I didn't know anything about Harvey Weinstein. I just knew he made movies. Yeah, I guess. I mean, with Cosby, I always knew he was a womanizer. I didn't know there was like, you know, date rape, any of those. Oh, I had heard that.

You'd heard that? I didn't know. I heard that on the set of News Radio. Wow. In the 90s, I had heard that he was drugging women. Well, that's when he was probably pretty active with it, you know? Well, I think, when was the Cosby show on the air? In the late 80s, early 90s, I think.

So it was probably just getting done. Yeah. News radio was 94. And I remember like, what? He drugs people. I think Candy Alexander is the one. They were talking. I mean, there's probably people on set that had experienced it.

Maybe. Yeah. Yeah, could be. But I- Harvey I didn't know anything about. The Harvey thing, I just thought he was just a big, fat, ugly movie... Harvey I didn't know anything about. I just... The Harvey thing, I just thought he... I mean, just a big, fat, ugly movie producer.

I didn't know anything. And also, I think when that story first broke, there was some... It was kind of implied this guy was a gross, you know, like, show-me-your-tits kind of guy. I didn't... As the story details came out, you're like, no no this dude's like a

full-blown like right like rapist that you would read about in the newspaper you know i mean like he actually pushed women down held them down and fuck yeah he's he's a real fucking animal and then he was like what what's the's the problem? I mean, fully shameless, completely disassociates with what he did. I think he was living this crazy life where he could get away with anything. Like a king. I mean, we've talked about this before, that behavior of kings, like gluttonous power behavior, where they just yell at everyone and off with their head and bring her over here. Just like that?

Yeah, that kind of shit. Well, when you also let his story revealed the scope of payroll. He had photojournalists, editors, I think law enforcement, all types of people on what mafia kind of shit does. I pay you to fucking watch out for my bad deeds yes so he really was doing well even more disgusting it was in his contract like if you have one sexual harassment claim it'll cost you this much if you have two you have to pay us this much like it was written into his contract man so they knew they So they knew. They knew. They knew. I mean, but how come nobody else gets in trouble for that?

Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. I mean, how do you, what do you, what do they know? That's the question. Is he in a jail hospital? He's in Rikers, son. But in their medic unit?

I think so. Oh, fuck. You think that's top tier quality there? Top tier. Top of the food chain. God damn. They have a bunch of corona cases right now at Rikers. It's a big issue.

Of course. You have no windows. They're letting a bunch of people out right now that have probation violations or something. Oh, let them spread it. Good move. That's the next thought. Hilarious. Let them out.

Yeah. Unless you're letting them out into a furnace yeah I mean that shit if it did that to that Olympic swimmer that 31 year old guy yeah wrecked him was gonna do to Harvey Weinstein oh my god no he's like this is what I want to talk to you about the fucking comments of people mad at you because you're doing shows in Spanish are hilarious. I get a bunch of emails. Hilarious. How mad people get.

Well, the funny thing is, like, so for people that don't know, like, I just, I got a deal with Netflix where they were like, do an English special and then a Spanish special. And they actually offered me to, they're like, you can just translate that special and shoot it. And I was like, that's kind of boring. So I'll try to, you know, work on some new stuff for the Latin audience and translate like a few bits. And then in order to shoot it, I just go, I just need a bunch of reps. Like you would in English.

I just need shows in Spanish. So I started doing that, you know, and started doing. Are you fully fluent? Like you could have conversations with people. There's no hitch. Just like you'd have a conversation with me. Yeah, I can have a conversation with anybody in Spanish. And you've been like that your whole life?

There's like times where the level of fluency goes higher, like especially if I'm immersed, like living. Right. Because I'm like, like living. Right. And then I'm like, who do you practice with? Yeah. I mean, there's, there's definitely,

I have my hiccups in that. Like I might grammatically say something incorrectly. They'll definitely know what I'm saying. And then that's one of the things I work on is that I record these. I send them to a Spanish tutor. I go, really? Yeah.

I go, did I say anything incorrect in this? The Spanish tutor is like, what the fuck is wrong with you? She goes, I'm not going to, she goes, I'm not going to comment on your material.

She goes, it's not what I'm used to, but I'll help you with the grammatical thing. So she, you know, she'll be like, you should have said la mano instead of el mano. Okay.

So we, we work on things like that, you know, like make sure you say it correct. Because the main thing is I don't want someone to be distracted because they're like, that sounded. Right. Of course. Broken English.

I guess, you know, I don't know. Fluency level is probably like eight or nine or something. Wow. But I mean, you know, it gets better the more I work on it and it gets worse the longer I leave it. So that's why I started doing the podcast in Spanish. That's why I've been doing these shows. And all I did was I would announce, hey, I'm gonna do a Spanish show. I did one in Oxnard. I did one in Ontario. I had these Texas ones booked for April, where one night in each of this in Houston, Dallas, Austin, San Antonio. And when I posted them, they're like, people are like,

hey, these shows are in Spanish. I go, that's what it says in the fucking on the marquee on the ticket on the like, this show is in Spanish. And they're like, yeah, I can't fucking understand it, though, because I don't speak Spanish. I'm like, I know this is for somebody else. And they're like, they're like, but why don't you add a show in English? And I'm, you know, you're trying to like go like, well, I will do that show in English later. Like when the English hour is ready because I'm just releasing a special. So I got to build a new hour before I come to Houston and show it, you know. And they're like, yeah, but you should just do it. You should just do it while you're here.

I'm like, yeah, but that's not, you know. And then I don't know. I just but people have been like, you're a fucking idiot for doing this Spanish. I'm like, why? You put it on your Instagram, right? I put screen grabs of the, yeah. I left their handles out. Yeah, I read a few of them.

Jesus Christ. I got more. I got more. I bet you do. Oh, yeah, yeah. And people are like, and then I have the ones that are like, I bought the ticket and I didn't realize that this was Spanish and I would like a refund. And I'm like, don't talk to me about it. First of all, on the site, it's called Tom Segura en Español.

And that's what it says. And then it's like, if you speak English, this is not the show for you. And they're like, I didn't look at it. And I'm like, what do you want me to do, man? Sell your tickets on Craigslist. Yeah. So, yeah, people got fired up at me for not adding the English show. Imagine if you were responsible for returning all your tickets.

Like, you'd never be able to do anything. Do you get messages like that? They're like, hey, I want to exchange this ticket. I don't know what kind of messages I get to exchange this ticket. I don't know what kind of messages I get. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I'm so much happier that I don't know. It's much better. Well, I'll tell you this. My special came out today.

I have not gone to look at... I read some good reviews. Yeah? Yeah, of your shit. Okay, cool. I haven't even checked it out. Yeah, I read a couple good reviews. I think one of them was Washington Post. Oh. It's great.

That's cool. Yeah. I'm happy. But yeah, don't read anything. I don't get into it. I do remember on the last tour, you know, especially on the bus, you're just sitting there, you read everything, reading, reading. People were like, I bought tickets, Friday show.

I'd rather come to Saturday show. And I would like to trade up at the Chicago theater. Um, okay. Like, dude, hit them up. What am I going to do? And they're like, you can figure this out for me. Like, okay. Yeah.

Like you have plenty of time to make these 20 minute phone calls to reroute. I need to, this Steve to get the Saturday tickets. Yeah, no, it is. But do you, do you, uh, post and walk away, right? Yeah. I don't read shit. It's the way to do it. I've been doing that for a long time now. It's amazing. It changes everything. If you have discipline, but you have to have the discipline and not read your comments. Yeah. You know, cause I know people that read them and they go crazy and they respond to them and argue with them. Like's the that's the problem too Is that you not only have to avoid reading if you are reading?

You have to not engage in the back and forth No, you can't you can't because a lot of people are just trying to get your attention And then a lot of people are also crazy. Yeah, if you're writing to me you're talking to the void Yeah, I'm not not reading anything. It's just better that way man. Yeah, it's better for you mentally for sure for void. Yeah. I'm not reading anything. It's just better that way, man. Yeah. It's better for you mentally, for sure. For sure. Yeah.

Yeah. It's just you only have so much time. And you can get trapped reading stuff about you and go, what? Who said that? Why are they saying that? Like, you know if you fucked up. You know if you said something stupid. What are you going to do?

Just try to do your best. Yeah. You know, especially like what we do. And especially if we're doing shows or a podcast or anything like that where you're getting high and you're talking crazy. Oh, yeah. You're trying to be funny and sometimes you swing and miss and sometimes you hit a home run. Yeah. You never know. Sometimes you swing and miss and sometimes you hit a home run.

Yeah. You never know. But if you delve into the comments and start reading all the things that people say about you and tailoring your act towards – you're tailoring your podcast or the way you're talking based on the kind of people that are willing to leave comments in the first place. Right. And you're also catering it to the loudest voice. Yeah. You're just saying like, oh, you're loud? Exactly. Okay. That is the number one problem with social media. That's what I've tried to explain to people that like read social media and talk about Twitter and Instagram and they're like, well, there's so many right wing Trump supporters that this,

there's so many left wing Bernie supporters to do that. And the Bernie bros and this and that. No, that's not true. What's true is on the fringes of the left and the right, you have losers that spend all their time calling people out and talking shit online. And I've studied these people. I've studied these people for years because I've been fascinated by people that engage in these Twitter beefs with people. And so I have a few of them bookmarked. And I go to check them, and some of them I would bookmark, and I'd be like, this guy has done nothing but talk shit online for 12 hours. It's crazy.

And there's a lot of them like that. There's a lot in the most virtuous, the ones who are trying to get the most reactions, and they're calling out celebrities for this, calling out people for that. There's just so much of that online. It reminds me of something. You know, some things someone says just stick with you sometimes. Yes.

You know, like, and you just, I don't know. You can't explain why, but you go like, it just sticks with me. I remember one time talking to a guy who goes, you know, there's a lot of unstable people out there. And I hear his voice all the time, like about this type of, yeah, there's a lot of unstable people. A lot of unstable people that also have access to a phone. Yeah.

And then they just start running off to the races. Going crazy with it. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of that. But there's also, you know, there's a lot of nonsense on both sides. Just the social media, just the wanting people to like you. Like, did you see that Imagine song that all those knuckleheads got together and sang?

Imagine There's No Heaven. This is not the time when everyone's Grammy's dying, you fucking idiot, to sing Imagine There's No Heaven. And there's this sense of, you feel that they feel like they did something significant. She's so happy Gal Gadot Whatever fucker name is Wonder Woman. She's got this beautiful smile on her face and so happy to sing that Thank you. Just like like she's Seducing you yeah, I lost my job at the meatpacking plant, but Gal Gadot sang Imagine. And it's a terrible version. You guys suck at singing.

Yeah. Why are you even singing publicly? I didn't even post, but I tried to do one where I, first of all, I tried to do that where I go, Imagine. And I just started laughing hysterically.

So then I did one where I go, I want to connect with all you guys, so let's just jerk off together. And I just start reaching in there. Then I go, i'm not used to this hand this hand just try to connect with all my fans but it's such a dumb move to i don't know i can't believe how many people i mean i guess that she must have reached out to them send me a you singing and they want to be like tight where they're like sure wonder woman yeah i'll do it. Imagine all the... Yeah, like, okay.

Okay. I couldn't keep... I tried to do it. Stay off. Fuck. Stay offline, you fuck. I tried to do it. Get off your phone.

Did you have your video you made? Yeah. I tried to do it. Because I wanted all of us to mock it. I think I have it. I think some comics did something like that yeah yeah yeah I could wait yeah like I saw Eric Andre and then like slap on my slob on my knob that's what they did right there they exactly yeah they

were like yeah they did like a parody of it. It was great. Well, the weird thing is, you know, people are sitting around going, oh, people think I'm cool if I do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, instead of like just capturing a genuine moment in your life, which is really hard to do on social media anyway because you feel like a fucking dork. You know what's a weird feeling, though, is like imagine you had worked with Gal, right? I thought about this, too. Like you did something. You were in a movie or something. And then she hits you up.

Hey, I'm trying to do this. And you have that moment of pause, especially as a comic because you have like so much self-awareness where you're like, oh, that's going to be lame as shit. And then you have to like figure out a tactful no. I would ghost her. Just don't respond. 100%. 100%. First of all, I could give two fucks whether or not I'm ever in a movie again, no. I would ghost her. Just don't respond. 100%. 100%. First of all, I could give two fucks whether or not I'm ever in a movie again, ever.

I know. And another two fucks whether or not I talk to her. But she'd be like, ghost! At first, you'd be like, what's up? And she's like, will you sing a line from Imagine and send it to me? If I'm friends with her, like if I've had conversations with her. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying. I would have to say, listen, you're awesome. I think you're great yeah but that is that is a ridiculous idea yeah

it's so lacking in self-awareness and so ridiculous i let me tell you what i would do if i was even if i wasn't a comic if i saw someone do that i'd be like what in the fuck do you think you're accomplishing with this i felt so much better today seeing celebrities sing Imagine. It made it better. It made the world better. It was not really that bad. Grammy died choking on her own vomit. But I feel like the world's better because Gal Gadot is so pretty.

Gal Gadot. And she started it off. Imagine there's no heaven. And then at the end. Big smile. She did a really sincere look into the camera like, look what I did for you. Did she? I mean, yeah.

That's how it ends. I didn't get to it. She's like, hmm, I feel connected to you. Yeah. There's some people, man, that get real self-indulgent and self-righteous with that fucking social media. It's exposed a lot of celebrities for being real dorks. Yeah. Yeah, of course.

You know? They should be exposed for that. But they never got a chance to be exposed before. They would go on The Tonight Show. They'd do these things. They'd do these interviews. Everything was real fluff. Yeah.

But you just leave them alone with a phone. Or you get great stuff. Did you see Tom Hanks' wife singing along to Naughty by Nature? I was really surprised. It was awesome. It was good though. It was fun. Exceptionally good. Exceptionally good. No makeup. She's having fun.

Hip hop hooray. Here's the thing. That cadence and that rhyme pattern of that song. It's not easy to mimic. No. It's not easy to mimic. No. It's not easy to mimic. No, she did a good job, but it's also so obvious that she wasn't trying to be anything

other than have fun. Yeah. Well, when you're drinking children's blood every night for dinner, you have fun. Is that what they do? Well, I think so. I don't know.

I just read the comments. I thought they just fucked those kids. I don't know. Are you sure? It helps you keep your rhythm going. Yeah. Hip hop, hooray helps you keep your rhythm going. Yeah. Hip hop, hooray.

She was just having fun. That's revealed that she's super cool. Yeah, with no makeup, right? She's not trying to get dolled up. No. Like there's these people that, some people are doing these like quarantine, like day five, here we are, day five.

And it's like so contrived and super contrived. I guess they want to connect with people, and they want to talk to people, but, oh, I mean, what are we doing? Yeah. I mean, are we doing that? What are we doing? Yeah, we are. We are.

But we're having a conversation. We would have this conversation if there was no microphone. Yeah. We'd probably talk a lot more shit about people. Yeah. I mean, that's always a lot more shit about people. Yeah. I mean, that's always a big component of a good time. It's fun.

What was that? Talking shit's fun. I keep thinking about that meat we had in fucking Vegas, man. Oh, so good. Yeah, bizarre meats. Meats. Yeah. Fantastic.

It used to be the SLS, and now what is it? I forget. They changed the name, though. Remember that? Yeah. Sands or something? what is it? I forget. They changed the name, though. Remember that? Yeah. Sands or something? Yeah, it switched back to what it was.

What was it? Sahara? Sahara. I think it's the Sahara. Whatever it is. The fucking, that bizarre meats place. God damn, is that good. Woo!

That was delicious. Jose Andres, man. Yeah. You gotta have him on. I would love to. He's a fucking dope guy. Yeah. I've seen him on Bourdain's show.

Yeah. Yeah, that place was phenomenal. I would love to. He's a fucking dope guy. Yeah. I've seen him on Bourdain's show. Yeah. Yeah. That place was phenomenal. I love how they cook over wood, too. You walk by and you see the hardwood coals and the grill grates, and they know what the fuck they're doing. They told us it would take an hour to cook the steak. Remember that?

Yeah. We're like, an hour? Yeah. They're like, yeah, an hour. And the steaks are huge. So just order one steak. I was like, really? Yeah. One three-pound steak. Like, okay. So just order one steak. I was like, really? Yeah, one three-pound steak.

Like, okay. It was amazing, dude. We ordered two, though. Amazing. Goddamn, it was good. Yeah. What a fun weekend. Just randomly we happened to be in Vegas at the same time.

So cool. Yeah, that's cool when something like that happens. Yeah, yeah. I was bummed we had to leave before the last three fights. Dude, you missed the Weili Zhang, Joanna Jung Jacek fight, which is one of the greatest fights in the history of the sport.

I saw you saying it, and you keep thinking about it. Dude, all day. I'd just be, for days, for days, I'd be in my car. They fucking battled, huh? As close as a fight could ever get. A lot of people thought Joanna won.

A lot of people thought Weili won. But it was amazing. It was amazing. It was amazing. It was a fucking war. And it really came down, like, you could have judged it either way? Yeah. Yeah, you could have. Yeah.

Yeah, it wasn't, I mean, they gave it to Wei Li. It was a split decision, but it was. Ioana's head. It was so close. Her forehead. Ridiculous. And never, never even responded to it. Didn't react to it.

Just threw bombs. And we missed that knockout where you guys were like, oh, where you memed out you and DC. Which one? There was a knockout, like third to last fight. Big ass knockout. You know what I'm talking about? Yes. It was just after.

Yes, yes. Benil Dariush and, God damn it. Yeah, I think we missed three. Jakar Close. Jakar Close. It was a crazy battle, and Jakar. Hit him with a right. Yeah, Jakar had Benil Dariush in real trouble, and then Benil Dariush came back and knocked him out.

Yeah, there it is. There it is. Oh, that left hand. Oh, my God. Benil was really rocked. And Drakkar, he only has one loss in his whole career. And it was a close loss. And he came.

There he goes. We're going crazy. There's Jamie, too. Oh, my God. Jamie in the background there. Yeah, that was bonkers. I was right next to him when we left for that. That must have been the next fight.

Yeah, it was the next fight. You missed it. Missed that, and then we missed the main event, too. Well, you had a show to do. Yeah, I had a show. Your boy Josh Potter, he's hilarious. He is. He's really funny, man.

That was my first time seeing him. He's really funny. Good guy, too. I liked hanging out with him. He's fun. Buffalo's finest. I love watching new comics, new comedy. Yeah.

I love watching a new comic that I've never seen their act before. Yeah. And you get to see them. And he seems like a guy who's been doing it about 10 years. Uh-huh. He's about 10 years in. Yeah? Yeah.

That's a fully formed comedian, you know? It is. He's a fully formed comedian. Great guy. Great guy. And he's headlining now. He's starting to headline. That's great. So he's really good. He deserves it. He's really good formed comedian. Great guy. Great guy. And he's headlining now. He's starting to headline. That's great.

He deserves it. He's really good. I was impressed. Yeah. I've been taking him on the road for a few years now, and he just gets better and better. And man, he has a couple bits that really floor me. He's really good. You can't even give away the premises.

No, you can't. You can't. I do love... I mean, I would say the one premise is like the way he wants to die. It makes me laugh. Really funny, man. No, he's really good. And it was cool to hang with him too.

You know, it's just. Hanging with comics is the best, dude. The best. It's the best. It's the most fun. I mean, if we hadn't seen you guys, we would have just hung out with each other all weekend. Yeah. And then you're like, oh, there's more comics here.

Let's go hang out with them. Yeah. So it's always. And they you're like, oh, there's more comics here. Let's go hang out with them. Yeah. So it's always. And they get to eat, chill. Yeah. But it was the beginning of the coronavirus thing. We were a little weirded out. Bro, I also think about, so my manager was in town.

He had friends in town. So after one of the shows, I want to say it was the second night, we also went to a cigar bar. And you start thinking about like oh all of us all the contact and yeah and casinos too casinos are just fucking that's another thing dude las vegas is shut down so it's so wild to think about how those you know those casinos are just acting people and now how about all those people that count on that yeah the dealers the people that clean the place wait Waitresses. Yeah. Everybody. Everyone. Everybody. Everything shut down for how long? How long do they plan on shutting Vegas down for?

They announced, like last week they said they would reopen casinos May 16th. Wow. Then today, earlier today, Trump was like, there's no way this is going past Easter or something. Like he wants to get it ripping and roaring again. He's not basing anything that he's saying, though, on science or on viruses. No, of course not. Yeah, he should shut the fuck up. He's going on a hunch. Well, he wants everything to bounce back because he wants the economy to bounce back. Of course.

The governor of Texas had a take on it, too. He's like, I would rather put myself in danger and I'm in a high risk group of catching this disease and have the economy come back. Okay. Yeah. I don't know, man. I don't know. I don't know when I, you know, it's like I had a take on it before when I'd see Idris

Elba. I'm like, he looks great. Those NBA players, they look great. All these people look great. Tom Hanks is recovering. Maybe it's just like the flu. But then you read that 31-year-old Olympic swimmer, and you go, oh, that guy's 31, and he's a stud. He's an Olympian.

Yes, literally an Olympian. A gold medalist, by the way. He's a fucking stud, right? And he said it was the worst virus he ever experienced in his life. And then Michael Yeo, Michael Yeo getting really sick. And there was two college basketball players who died. They died? Yeah. Yeah. Not college basketball players now, but they played college in the 90s.

And they died. And they both died. Yeah. It was on my Apple News feed this morning. The thing about this virus, too, is that there's this uncertainty about when things will change, when the curve will flatten, when the economy... But we also don't understand the virus yet. Right. Exactly. That's the part that's really alarming. That's the weird thing is some people just experience no symptoms and it just goes through their system and they don't ever get it. And then the other thing was someone was telling me, I forget who

it was i attributed to dr peter attia yesterday but i think i'm wrong someone was saying one of the odd things seems to might be sam harris someone was saying one of the odd things seems to be that the more contact people have with the virus the worse it gets so um some oh like medical professionals yeah medical professionals yeah yeah, medical professionals. Yeah. Yeah, it's very strange. Did you see the NBA player today said he lost his sense of smell?

Yeah, that's another thing. That's one of the things that Peter Atiyah said. Smell and taste are going away. Yeah. It's very weird that people lose their sense of smell. Very weird. It's spooky. Yeah. of smell very weird it's it's uh it's spooky yeah because it's a it's like uh well it's also

there's these crazy conspiracy theories that wuhan is like some place where they have some weaponized virus lab and so that they're worried that one of the things that this that makes this so scary is that it could have snuck out of this fucking lab. But apparently they've traced it to a very specific type of animal. I thought that this thing always transfers. I think Moshe told me this, that birds need a pig. The pig is the perfect conduit of transferring. The bird disease won't come straight to a person. It needs to go to a pig, and the pig can infect people.

What about avian flu? I don't know. Avian flu came from birds. These are bats, and I think bats gave it to pangolins. Do you know what a fucking pangolin is? Mm-mm. Whitney was telling me this, that a pangolin is like the most, what is the word you would use where someone is transferring animals? I'm fucking slow today, man.

My brain's slow today. I don't know what's going on. The most exploited animal in the world. You know what a pangolin is? Uh-uh. Some weird fucking- Pangolin? Pangolin, I think it is.

Never heard of that. Yeah. There it is. That fuckinguh. Some weird fucking. Pangolin? Pangolin, I think it is. Never heard of that. Yeah. There it is. That fucking thing. Look it up there. Look at the screen. Look.

That. That thing. That's called a pangolin? Pangolin. Yeah. That is the most exploited animal in the world. And they eat them in China. And so this fucking thing is where china has laws to stop pangolin trafficking yeah that thing looks freaky man yeah they're they have laws that they're

they're imposing now to stop the sale of wild animals you can't sell wild animals in the united states but you can sell well you can sell wild fish but you can't sell wild animals in the United States. That's one of the weird things about fish. What about those exotic people in that documentary? Aren't those wild animals? I mean for food. Oh, okay. I mean for food.

Even in this country. This is the most trafficked animal? Yeah. Adorable pangolin is the most trafficked animal in the world. How is that possible? Ask Whitney Cummings. She's the one who told me, and it seems to be true. Yeah.

It's in the New York Post as well. There it is. The rainforest of the Congo, Cameroon, and Central African Republic lives an elusive mammal that looks like a cross between an anteater, an armadillo, and a pine cone. And thanks to poachers, the pangolin is the most trafficked animal on Earth. In April of 2019, Singapore seized a world record 25.6 tons of pangolin scales worth 76.5 million from an estimated 38,000 of the creatures. In December, the scales from some 50,000 African pangolins were seized by Chinese authorities.

This is wild. What do they do for it? I don't know. It's because of this scale, this unique feature that makes them a target, said Tessa Ullman, a volunteer for the Sangha Pangolin Project at Preservation Society. The pangolin burrows to create holes, so the scales are associated with circulation

It's used as an ingredient in traditional Asian medicines They used to help mothers for lactation and for blood pressure, but none of this has been clinically proven. So it's like tiger Teeth and yeah, yeah and right now or in shit tusks. Yeah, there's so much of that shit I was talking to a Chinese guy about that, and I was saying, well, do they know that rhino horn doesn't work and that they could get Viagra? Like, to make your dick hard, Viagra definitely works.

He goes, oh, it's not even that. He goes, a lot of it is a status thing. It's like, so if you are a really wealthy Chinese businessman, and you're into this kind of stuff, like you want to show that you skirt the laws of animal trafficking. Like shark fin soup, right? Like, isn't that like. Apparently that tastes good.

But I'm saying that's, isn't that something where there's like some type of prohibition, restriction against it. And then they're like, yeah, but I'm a, I'm the man. So. Yeah. Let's get some. Yeah. I think, I don't know what kind of restrictions they have about that in China, but across the world, rhinos, but they want that tea that they make out of rhino horn because it just makes them like, come, let's discuss business over rhino tea. I mean, yeah, I get why that happens, but I don't want any.

But I don't want any. Well, China's so weird, right? Because it's a weird combination of capitalism and communism. Yeah. And not just communism, but a military communist dictatorship. Well, it's interesting, you know, speaking of like the virus, the way China locked down Wuhan. Yeah. When they decided to, there's no fucking around. Yeah, no fucking around.

It's 11 million people in that city. Went through the streets spraying some disinfectant. They sent 40,000 workers to Wuhan to be like, handle this. Lock it down, clean it up. Yeah. Just boom, in one city. What's it like now? Well, here's the thing.

You can never trust what the state media says. But they were saying that all their new cases are inbound. So it's travelers coming in. Oh, how convenient. It's all these fucking Italians. Yeah. Coming over here for shark's fin soup and rhino tea. Fucking pasta virus.

Cunts. Yeah. It's the rigatoni virus now. It is. You guys did it. Well, they're saying that America could be the next epicenter. Yeah, well, New York has more than 5% of the world's cases right now. Does it really?

Yeah. It's growing, too. Well, New York has 25,000 cases as of this morning. That's 5% of the world's cases? That's what the news was last night. They say that for every one person that tests positive, 10 of them have not even been tested that have it. Yeah, there's for sure way more cases. Yeah, because it's impossible to get a test.

You can't test them. Yeah. Try getting a test right now in L.A. L.A. started a website yesterday with all the information on how to get a test. And they're like, first of all, meet this criteria. Are you over 65? Is that really part of it? Yeah. Jesus. Do you have these symptoms you can't even order one online if you could get a

test going right now you could be a great business it would be Jeff Bezos and it would be a great way to like you know figure out who needs to really be staying home did you see the story of of the senators that were in a closed door meeting in January about coronavirus? They just dumped all their stock. Yeah. Yeah. Burr and Loeffler, whatever her name is. Yeah. And they're like, that's not what happened. Dude, you had, that is the definition of insider trading. That's what they prosecute. But what's happening to them? Nothing. Nothing. Yeah. What's up, Jamie? Stuff's happening, I guess.

It just isn't happening immediately. Yeah. What is happening? SEC said that they might be looking into it. Oh, they might. Well, I'm trying to get this. I might be looking into that murder. I might be. He's the chairman of the Intelligence Committee.

Yeah. Yeah. And dumped all stock. Yep. Oh, they issued a sharp warning. Oh, a sharp warning. Sharp warning. Stop.

Don't do that again. What are you supposed to do if you know that you're going to lose all that money? It's a sharp warning. Oh, a sharp warning. A sharp warning. Stop. Don't do that again. What are you supposed to do if you know that you're going to lose all that money? It's a good question. I think if you have that type of intel, you— You're not allowed to profit? Well, you're not allowed to use that intelligence that's not open to the public. So I think you have to wait until it goes public. You know what I mean?

Like once that goes public, then you can act on it. Otherwise— Well, the virus is already public. You know what I mean? Like once that goes public, then you can act on it. Otherwise, well, the virus is already public. The virus is public, but I think the, the scale. Yeah. The magnitude of the impact.

Yeah. Estimate what's going to happen. When a closed door meeting is like, Hey, shit's about to go down. And then you go call my broker. Hey man, it really is a movie.

Yeah. And it really is some kind of crazy virus thriller. It is. It is dude. This is, I mean, it really is some kind of crazy virus thriller. It is. It is, dude. This is, I mean, like I said, we don't have anybody we can call and be like, do you remember when this happened in your life? No. Nobody does. Nobody does.

Yeah. Nobody does. Bert was saying that he thinks that in 2009 he had H1N1. It made sense. It made sense. He said he was so sick. Yeah. He said he's never been more sick in his life.

He said he couldn't get comfortable. He couldn't breathe. He was in constant pain. He knew, had actually verified the DNA. Yeah. Yeah. And that killed a lot of fucking people. Much more lethal.

Yeah. Much more. Isn't it interesting? How did they lock that down? I don't know. It never spread, really. I think it's because you got it, if you're contagious you knew it yeah this is highly contagious yeah and um again the big problem is we don't know how many people have it and then

you have these asymptomatic people how many people died from h1n1 in 2009 50 000 in america people that's not that much, but I'm saying that we would have known about, right? Sorry. Hold on. Well, the thing about the flu every year can kill as many as 90,000 people in America alone. A lot, yeah. Yeah. And we never talk about it, ever.

No. This says 2009 flu pandemic killed 18,000 people. I don't know where it's pulling that info from. Go ahead. Go ahead, Pete. Yeah, I think the biggest that I remember reading was 91,000 one year. One year, 91,000 people died from the flu. I'm not sure if that's the United States or North America.

The whole thing is kind of crazy. It's interesting that Ron Paul was calling this a hoax before. He was saying, you know, just 100 people have died in America and they're using this to take away your civil liberties. Then his son got it. I thought his son got it. His son did get it. His son did get it afterwards. And then Nancy Pelosi's daughter tweeted that

Rand Paul's neighbor was right. The neighbor that attacked him, like what? But he has also an underlying issue from that attack. Yeah, he's got a piece of his lung removed. The guy tackled him, broke five of his ribs and they had to remove a piece of his lung. And so Nancy Pelosi's daughter says that the neighbor was right. Like, what does that mean? The neighbor's right? Because the guy got sick, the neighbor's right to attack him? Two days ago, his Twitter account, probably his team tweeted out that he was feeling fine,

was asymptomatic, and was not aware of any direct contact with anyone that had it. Wow. So I guess they don't know how he got it. So he hasn't. How do they test these people? They're testing these people. When you hear about these people getting tested and they don't even have any symptoms,

how are they getting tested and why are they getting tested when some people are really sick? I've been questioning that too. I think there's a way you can get a private doctor that maybe can get access to a test. A private doctor? That you can pay extra money to get a hold of the test. Really?

I think. I don't know. And I don't know if that's the difference between people just showing up at a doctor and just saying, Hey, I think I'm sick. Can you please find a test for me? And they're like, I don't know where you want us to find one. We don't have access to that. We're busy.

Versus, I don't know. I'm just guessing the weirdest thing about it to me is the asymptomatic aspect of it that some people don't experience anything and other people get really fucking sick it's almost like if you wanted a disease it spreads you have it i mean have that have one where like 50 of the people don't even feel anything and they just spread it to 50 more people or 100 more people or thousands more people. It's weird, man. It just doesn't make sense.

Like a normal thing makes sense. You know, because we haven't experienced this one particular virus before. We really don't know anything about how it's going to end, where it's going to go. anything about how it's going to end, where it's going to go. And then there's the possibility that it could morph and that it could, you know, be more contagious or more deadly or more this or more that. Apparently some people who have tested positive for it though are contributing and they're extracting antibodies from these people, people that have gotten over it. But it's still going to be the estimations are six months to a year before they come up with a vaccine.

I've only seen rumblings of the false positives online. I don't know. It doesn't bubble up too much. I think that happens all the time, false positives with all kinds of diseases. What do you got there, fella? Hand sanitizer? Of course. Yes. Yes.

Everything. Spray it. Spray it, baby. Pharmacists told me the other day that, I don't know, this is bullshit, but the pharmacists told me that it's not effective unless you have it actually dry on your hand. When people go like that, you've got to actually have that alcohol dry. A pharmacist told you this? Mm-hmm.

He said people, I mean, I don't know, you know. I don't know if he's some fucking lunatic, but that's what he said. Makes sense. Yeah. He's like, it's not, he goes, people like put it on and then just, he's like, no, no, you've got to actually rub it all the way in. What is life going to be like when this is done? That's what's going to be weird.

What is life going to be like? Are we going to be paranoid now? I mean, someone, Weird Al Yankovic tweeted, everyone is Howie Mandel now. going to be weird what is life going to be like we're going to be paranoid now someone weird al yankovic tweeted everyone is howie mandel now i mean that's not there's this is gonna i do think it's gonna spur this whole generation of super germaphobes like oh yeah especially like a kid i was thinking about you know i said my kids are too young to recognize what's going on they don't know what's going on but any kid that's you know their grandma dies yeah or just is like i would say between ages six and third that child like you know growing up age and you go like schools i'm not going to school anymore things

are shut down we can't go to restaurants don't go to movies everything's different a lot of those kids are going to grow up super anxious and weirded out by this. Yeah, scared to travel. Yeah. Yeah, like traveling. Dude, I think I personally never hesitate about any germ stuff. I'm not built like that. But I have thought about getting back on fucking planes.

I'm like, God damn. Recirculated air, nothing you can do about it. Nothing you can do, man. What are those anti-vax people going can do about it. Nothing you can do, man. I know. The planes. What are those anti-vax people going to do? What are they going to do? Does anyone want to take a vaccine? What if they come up with a vaccine for this shit?

Anti-vax people are the dumbest of all. They're so fucking stupid. Do you have Eddie's number? Do you want me to text him? Is he one of those two? I know he's like, it's so stupid. I mean, that's really idiotic. It's moronic.

Yeah, people get mad at you. I that there's something wrong with being an anti-vaxxer. Stupid. You're dumb. I mean, just look at the research. Look at the evidence is all there. It saves lives. The research is all brought to you by the mainstream media. Don't you understand how it works?

Sorry. Yeah, why don't you go call Tom Hanks? Yeah. Show up at one of those meetings. I bet he believes in vaccinations. Bet he does now. What do they do? What does an anti-vax person do

about coronavirus? If they come out and they go, we have the vaccination now. Yeah. I mean, I don't know, pin them down, fucking jab it in their neck. It's totalitarian. Big fan. Well, one of the things that Putin is doing, go to Roy Jones Jr.'s Instagram page, because

Roy Jones Jr. is a, I don't know if you know this. Roy Jones Jr. Big Putin fan. Big Putin fan. I did not know that. Actually has a Russia passport. What? Yes.

Did I hear this? He's a Russian citizen. Roy Jones Jr. Roy Jones Jr. Must have got some of that sweet, sweet, sweet Russian poonama. I bet it's so good. I bet it's the best. I bet what they honeypot you with is just the best.

I bet it's like a fist. You're like, Jesus. What am I looking for? He hasn't posted in a year. Roy Jones Jr. Instagram page. Oh, Instagram. Sorry. I lost Twitter. No, Instagram. What am I looking for? He hasn't posted it in a year. Roy Jones Jr. Instagram page. Oh, Instagram. Sorry, I was on his Twitter. No, Instagram.

And his Instagram page is- Pensacola, Florida. One of the greatest boxers of all time. Oh, man. But not really well read in terms of totalitarian governments and the consequences of- What makes you say that? This. Oh.

They're threatening to lock people. Here it goes. You have to choose between staying home for 15 days or prison for five years. And then Roy Jones writes, simple, crisp, and clear, and that's how you fix stuff.

Give options. A or B, simple. Gotta love it. I don't know if you gotta love that. Five years in prison. Is that how they're handling it there? I don't know. It might be bullshit.

It might just be a meme. Yeah. But I think he's just pro-Putin. Yeah. Putin hooks him up. Yeah. It's always pictures of him hanging out with Putin. Putin comes to his fights.

Like Seagal, man. When he's fighting over there. Seagal's a big... He likes Seagal over there, too. Oh, yeah. That's right. They're buddies. That whole He likes Seagal over there too? Oh, yeah. That's right. They're buddies. That whole region loves Seagal.

He loves them back. That's hilarious. I think he's got a Russian citizenship as well. I think he does too, yeah. So strange. He had an SEC violation recently. For insider trading? He didn't disclose that somebody that he was endorsing.

Yeah. He didn't disclose that somebody that he was endorsing. Yeah, he didn't disclose that they were compensating him. And I guess that's an SEC violation. So let me ask you this. While you're on this, where we're all on this hiatus, how are you practicing your Spanish? Are you just practicing it by doing your podcasts? Yeah, doing the podcast, talking to people. How often do you do it? The best thing you can do, I mean, I try to do it, the podcast, I try to do it once every couple weeks.

But it's by, the best thing to do if you're ever trying to, like, get better at any language is immersion, and it's forcing yourself to have conversations. You have to talk. You have to actually, even if, it doesn't even matter if you're new at it or you're pretty fluent at it, you have to talk. So do you call your mom have conversations with my mom my cousins the the tutor um friends richard villa is a comedian uh friend of mine speaks fluent spanish um francisco ramos uh jose yeah yeah jesus yeah um fabricio cabano yeah francisco r Ramos. Jesus. Yeah. Those guys, all fluent speakers.

Yeah. Any conversation you can have is going to help you, you know, maintain it or get better at it. So when the when you get back on the road, is the number one priority the Spanish special? Like get get the Spanish special rolling or is it just get your feet back on to you? get the Spanish special rolling or is it just get your feet back onto you? I think it's good to, yeah. Because I mean, I was at,

um, that last show I did March 11th was 20 minutes of new English material for like, you know, my standup. Right. And so I was like feeling pretty good about that, that I had like 20 new, you know,

and you, and so I was going to go into like a bunch of work. I feel like I would have had 10 more by now. By now. Yeah. 10 a month is doable. It's doable if you're working. So yeah, I mean, I've been balancing both. I did that 20 new while I was working on the Spanish stuff. So it's going to be to go try to get back to both, man, just doing the Spanish stuff and getting my regular English set. Isn't it going to be weird to do set the first time? It's going to be real weird.

Strange. It's also, it seems to me that we have this idea that things can't change, so we have to go back to the way they were. Right. We have to. It's going to be that way again. We're all comedy junkies, right?

Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's a, I mean, I've said this many times before, but it's true. I feel bad for people who've never killed. They don't know what that feels like. Right. They don't know what it feels like.

I thought for a second, like, you meant killed a person. No, no. I was like, whoa. On stage. I mean, on stage. No, no, I know, I know. I was like – I feel bad for someone who's never rocked a house.

Yeah. You don't know what that's like to crush. I think, too, you know what the perspective changes for them? You ever have a friend, uh, watch from the wings. Yes. And so they,

they, and then they always, it always feels different. They're like, that's what you feel up there. Yeah. Cause they, they get to actually sense that.

Yeah. You know, now I'm remembering when I came to see you, I was so exhausted. I remember that. That I fell asleep in your dressing room. I'm like, man,

I'm not doing so good. And then I was thinking about this Corona dressing room. I'm like, man, I'm not doing so good. And then I was thinking about this coronavirus shit. I'm like, I better get back to the hotel. Yeah. And I crashed so hard. I slept for like 10 hours that night. That's not normal for you, right? No.

It's so weird. I was watching. I was like, god damn, I got to sit down. And I went to your dressing room for a second. I took a leak, sat down on the couch. And I was nodding out. I was hanging out with Jamie. And I was like, I think I need to go back to the room.

Yeah. I'm like, I'm hurting. Maybe I was fighting something off. Maybe, man. Maybe. But that's going to be everybody from now to the end. I think I might have had it for a day or two. Yeah.

But my immune system is amazing, and I shuck it off. Yeah. It's so weird that some people get it and some people don't. There's nothing like this. There's nothing like this. There's nothing like this, man. Well, so I guess we just keep doing this. We just keep doing podcasts. I'm already pumping them out.

As long as we have. As long as we can. Keep our social distancing and wash our hands and stuff. And I'm not touching my face at all. No. I don't think. It's one of those things that you just start doing and you don't even realize you're doing it. Even on those announcements, the doctor.

The lady licked her finger. Licked her finger and the other guy scratched his face. I mean, they're all touching their face. But when she licked her finger right after she said it, it's like, what are you doing? You maniac. Yeah, of course. When was that, when she licked her finger? It was about 10 days ago. It was only 10 days ago? When she licked her finger? It was about 10 days ago.

It was only 10 days ago? When she did that? Yeah, that was about 10 days ago. What is today? The 24th. Yeah. Yeah. Man.

I don't know. What's that? Three weeks ago. When she did that? Yeah. Wow. Whoa. I was way off.

Time's moving fast. Time is moving fast. Yeah. You can go. The other thing that's strange is that you consume the media, you know, like the news of it and, oh, my God, what's going on? And then you can walk down the street or drive down the street and forget. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Like there's this sense of, oh. So I talked to another cousin of mine who's a doctor, and she's like, oh, yeah, I don't turn any of it on. I just get it out of me. I already know what's happening, so I just choose not to be bombarded by it. Yeah, you can be bombarded. Yeah. And it also shifts your view of the world, so it can heighten your anxiety and your paranoia. People who are anxious already, people who already have anxiety issues, they must be

a fucking wreck right now. Absolutely. Because they're like, oh my God, I was right. The world is ending. There's a mandatory lockdown across the entire country, except Montana. It's weird to have this going on, honestly, and promote a special. I know. But there's so many people at home.

There's so many people at home. I mean, look, I understand the whole marketing of it and how that works, but you're just like, you know, you're on these calls and they're like, tell us about your new special. Isn't it crazy there's a pandemic? So why didn't you guys shoot it? I'm like, yeah. What do you mean by ball hog? So why didn't you guys shoot it? I'm like, yeah.

What do you mean by ball hog? And why do you have all those Pornhub girls? They're saying ball hog. Yeah. Did you get those girls to say that or are they already saying ball hog? They're already saying it. You're talking about my stories? Yeah.

Yeah, they were already. That's where I got the title. So I was on the road. I was J and my D. Woo. So I was on the road. I was J and my D. And I saw a nice lady doing really extensive stuff to this guy's balls. And I was like, I wonder if there's a whole subgenre dedicated to this. So I typed it in, and they're like, you might enjoy ball hogs. So in that feature, these ladies, they introduce themselves, and they go, and I'm a ball hog.

So they all do it and they really work on guys balls like hardcore, really intense. And so in the special, I at one point just referenced, not that film, but I just tell people that their mothers are ball hogs. And um and then i think i think the you're really good at this by the way uh picking titles i think it's one of the hardest things you know you're like you're doing your edit and you just want your show together and they're like what are you gonna call it you're like i don't fucking know live from here it's just the worst but yeah you've had good ones um but anyways i was going back and forth with different titles and it was suggested actually josh my manager who's like what about ball and i forth with different titles, and it was suggested, actually. Josh, my manager, he was like, what about Ball Hogs?

And I just smiled ear to ear, and I was like, yes! So it was settled at that point. What was your tour named? Take It Down. Oh, yeah, you can't call it Take It Down. You can't call it Take It Down. No, I mean, you could, but... No, no, you can't.

Ball Hogs, better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's funny when you call a tour one thing and then you call a special something. I know. And people are like, you should call it Take It Down. I'm like, yeah, but they don't want it to be called Take It Down. Yeah. Netflix isn't like, it'd be great if you call this Take It Down.

Ball hogs perfect. Yeah. Yeah. And plus it has that other meaning too. Yeah. Selfish sharing. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Has a couple layers to it. Yeah. Yeah. Naming it and then, don't you get that feeling too when it's over that's just like i just needed another couple months always always dude so we shot at the um at austin city limits great place beautiful amazing venue the next day i had to move venues because we would have shot the next day as well the next day we had to we we stayed in Austin and we did two more shows at the Paramount so if if we had had the opportunity I just would have stayed and done because you guys started doing I love it the four show yeah

I would have done it I would have done it you just didn't have the the venue so like we can't we can't do it so you just did one night, two shows? One night, two shows, and the next night switched to a venue. But the next night you feel even looser. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, so I forgot my train of thought. The next night you have the relief of like I shot it, and then like this joke, taking it here.

You're like I wish there was a way you could make yourself do that. I know. Well, the way you can is by doing four shows. Yeah. That changed everything for me. When I started doing four shows, it made all shows be like a show. And like when I did Boston, when I did Strange Times, the first show was where most of this shit came from. I only had a couple of bits that I didn't do earlier that I did that I had to sandwich in there.

But most of the set was from the first show because I was so loose through the next night I added a line to one of the kind of like table setting jokes yeah and it just fucking crushed so hard that that I take I took it out of special I took the joke I go I got it I got to keep this joke. Ah, well, that's good. I was like, I'll sell it. I can use it again. Well, that's good that you could do that.

Yeah. That's good. I had it trimmed down, too. Otherwise, it will fucking, fucking haunt you. It makes you hate yourself. You should almost tape twice. Tape and then tape again in four months. I know.

It would change everything. Yeah, tape again in a month. A month. It would change everything. Tape again in a month. A month. A month's enough time. Yes. Yeah. Film and then film again in a month. And then watch that in between?

Just be such a gangster that you're going to pay double taping money. Don't give a fuck. You don't give a fuck. No. Especially today with all this fucking quarantine money. Oh my God. If Netflix paid you per view, you'd be cashing in right now, son. I know.

And then what will happen is I'll go to negotiate next time and I'll be like, these views were pretty. They'll be like, that wasn't real. That was quarantine views. Quarantine views. You're a Corona comic. Corona comic. Yeah, they're throttling internet now. Yeah.

Because so many people are online. Yeah. They're really concerned about New York City because New York City hasn't even hit its peak yet. I think the peak is within two to three weeks. So the cases you're experiencing now, that's not even peak. So in two to three weeks, there's going to be even more people at home taxing the structure of all the services, whether it's electricity, whether it's internet, everything, all the underlying things that you use and you take for granted because they don't- You never max capacity at this shit.

Right. Never. Never. That's with cell phones. Whenever there's an emergency, you can't make a phone call because everyone's on their phone. And then you realize, what are you selling? You're selling phones where everybody can use the phone, but you can't all a phone call because everyone's on their phone. And then you realize, like, what are you selling? You're selling phones where everybody can use the phone, but you can't all use the phone at once.

You're planning. Your whole, the way your structure is set up, it's only set up for a certain amount of people using it at the same time. Even though you sold 300 million cell phones, you can't really use them all at once. Well, it's busy right now. Your infrastructure sucks. Yeah, that's busy right now, man. Your infrastructure sucks. Yeah, that's true.

That's true. They sell whack-ass fucking half-baked infrastructure. Yeah. These cunts. And you don't realize it until something like this happens. You're like, oh, there's not room for all of us? No. Well, the last apocalypse you and I experienced, we went to a nice hotel.

That's right. During the fire, and we stayed in the same hotel. I know. Let's leave together. I'll leave together with you. Where do you want to go? We got to go somewhere. Colorado.

Get a ranch. Colorado would be dope. What about somewhere really hot? Hot? Hot. Is that better? I think so. Arizona?

I know there's a theory in it, but like that the viruses thrive more in the cold setting. Hmm. Yeah, that is a theory. I don't know if it's factual. Hmm. I'm thinking the virus just needs hosts. What about like Fiji?

You know what I mean? Tahiti? Yeah, but then they fucking steal your money. What do you mean? Go to some weird, whack-ass foreign government. You can't keep your money over there. Bet there's no Corona in Papua New Guinea right now. You don't think so? Because they're all eating brains. Dude.

They're eating cannibals. They were telling, one of the guys told me he had a, when I was in Australia like a month ago, or two months ago, he goes, I was working there on some construction thing, and he goes, you don't leave the area that they tell you. Because because you know things

get crazy and lawless if you venture out somebody you know could fuck you up no one will ever know have you ever heard the seaman warriors from papua new guinea prepare yourself for this story there's a tribe where when boys are young they take them out of the tribe and they they teach them that in order for them to fully grow they must ingest semen anally and through the mouth and so they they fuck these boys make these boys suck dick all all their life until they grow full you know full size and then they they turn around and do it to young boys. Pass the gift on to somebody else? Yeah.

The semen warriors of Papua New Guinea. Semen. Come. Yeah, and they have these names like anal father and anal son, and the way they refer to it. But some pedo at one point in time started this out. He's like, in order for you to grow, you've got to suck my cock. I'm like, well, I want to be big and strong.

I definitely want to grow. Yeah. Literally, there's a whole tribe that operates under that principle. All right. And people have visited them. I think they're cannibals as well. There's a lot of cannibalism going on down there. That's a nice ribbon on the day.

You know that, what is it called? Krutzfeldt-Jakob disease. Same thing as mad cow. Except for eating too much jizz. It's a prion disease. The same, prions are, it's a type of encephalitis, I think. It's a type of encephalopathy. It's not like a virus and it's not bacteria.

It's in its own category, but it is a, it's a disease that affects cannibals. And the way they got it to cows is, and I might be, if you're a biologist, I'm so sorry, I'm fucking this up.

I know I am. Cows got it from them serving cows, cow brains. Jesus. So mad cow disease, the origin of that was they would grind up these cows and the parts they didn't use and feed it to cows because it's protein. Well, you would give these cows this cannibal disease that also exists in Papua New Guinea in these cannibals. Oh, my God. So these cannibals get this disease, and these prions, they can survive thousands of degrees in temperature for hours. They've done experiments on people, human beings that had mad cow disease, and the instruments they used to operate on them.

They ran them through these sterilization cycles two, three times, and the prions were still alive. What? Yeah. Yeah, they're literally almost impossible to kill. And there's a version of it that is making its way through deer populations right now. It's called chronic wasting disease. Chronic wasting disease is also a prion disease, and it has not made the jump yet. Does that mean that's from eating deer?

No, they don't know what caused that prion disease but it is a prion disease they don't think it's necessarily from deer eating deer what was the tribe that was in the news like i want to say in the last 12 16 months where they have no contact you know what the ice north sentinel island yes that's i have a whole bit about that you see my bit no and this is like the guy who was like, I'm here. Yeah. Save you. They lit him up.

And then in the Indian, is it the Indian government? It's like, we don't fuck with them. Leave them alone. It's in the middle of the Indian Ocean. Yeah. Yeah. There's a few places like that. Real uncontacted tribes.

And another one is, there's a couple of them still left in the Amazon. And the problem with the ones in the Amazon is these people have land and they try to protect these people because, you know, the land is valuable. Yeah. And so then they, you know, people from these either mining companies or oil companies, they'll go in and kill these people. Fuck. Yeah.

Because they're like, fuck you. We're taking your land. And this is a real issue with that in the Amazon where they'll go and assassinate. What's the Sentinel tribe? What's it called? North Sentinel Island. North Sentinel Island. North Sentinel Island. Yeah.

Middle Indian Ocean. Direct descendants of people left Africa 60,000 years ago. Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah. That's one of the most uncontacted places, but they've all been contacted. Everyone's been slightly contacted, at least historically. But that one is a particularly weird one.

I don't think they're cannibals, but they might be. But the ones in New Guinea are. Yeah. You should Google semen warriors of Papua New Guinea. That's going to be what I read about tonight. Yeah. All right. Ball Hog, it's on Netflix right now.

Go get it. It's fucking awesome. I didn't see the special, but I definitely saw you murder with that material. Thanks, man. It was great to see. Thanks for having me, man. My pleasure, my brother. Always. Let's fucking awesome. I didn't see the special, but I definitely saw you murder with that material. Thanks, man. It was great to see. Thanks for having me, man. My pleasure, my brother. Always. Let's get through this together. If we have to move together, let's figure out a spot. Let's figure out a spot right now. I'm down, dude. Alright.

I'd like to get the fuck out of here. I'll do it. If we have a spot and we just find a cool spot, we can get a bunch of cool people to move up there with us. And then, you know... Maybe Burr could fly us, you know? I don't want to get in an helicopter alright fuck him who flies planes yeah

somebody Lil Duval Lil Duval he flies planes he does he's got two planes Lil Duval flies planes that guy's the shit

I love that guy his Instagram follow Lil Duval on Instagram he's hilarious he's hilarious he's got one of the best Instagram accounts

on the planet earth and he updates it all day long it's like all he does is just talk shit on Instagram he's got one of the best Instagram accounts on the planet earth and he updates it all day long it's like all he does is just talk shit on Instagram he's hilarious alright Ball Hog go watch it you fucks why are you even listening to this anymore you should be watching Ball Hog

bye everybody bye thanks man my pleasure Ugh.