The Joe Rogan Experience - #145 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: October 10, 2011

Joe sits down with Bert Kreischer.

The General Experience. Oh, it's different. That soundtrack is going to be responsible for some ringing in my ears when I'm an old man. You know? It can't be good for you. Whoa. Whoa. That was an abrupt ending.

Brian's just getting crafty today. Yeah. With all new things, Brian. It's the alpha brain. Is that what it is? It's tweaked you? Yeah. Have you taken a Brian?

Yeah. You know what? I tweeted something the other day that right after I did, I'm like, you know what? That actually is not even probably a good thing, but it is a good thing. That's not a good thing. I feel like I need alpha brain now. You feel like you're addicted to it. Kind of. But it's like

addictive not for a bad reason. It's addictive for a clear-headed reason. Like almost like, hey, I should have been on prescription drugs the whole time, you know, but I'm not. Imagine if you got on the real shit. Why don't you get on the real prescription? Why don't you go to a doctor and see what's up? Yeah, they might have something for you

that works awesome. Yeah. I mean, you might be like wrestling with life and you might just go to some place and they might be have you seen his beard? What about mine? No, Brian's beard

is like borderline homeless. Yeah, there's carrot juice in it too. I could taste it. I think it looks like you don't give a fuck. I like that look. It definitely looks

like he doesn't give a fuck. That looks like a guy who has a relaxed job. Oh, mine? I was just on Rachel Ray the other day. i trimmed the shit out of mine like yeah like i was a black football player like manscape like down lines here a little longer here i don't know if i like manscaping like like i was thinking about manscaping my girls like no i like the crazy homeless look like i like it looks like you're you're you know that's how you know you

got a good one that's how you know you got a good one. That's how you know you got a good one. Right. Girls who like facial hair. Any girl wants you to, ew, shave all that. Ew, shave all that. That's a broken bitch. You don't want that one in your life. Have you noticed when you shave underneath your chin and then it starts to grow back just a teeny bit, like a 5 o'clock shadow, it looks weird. It looks like you're— You can't over-aggressively make the jawline because then you look like one of the gay guys that's just trying to look skinny in the steam room. You need to look—my wife steam room. You need to look,

my wife was like, you need to grow that shit out. I had great beard trimming advice. The gay guys who try to look skinny? Is that what they're doing? The steam room, that's at least what I thought when they walked by me.

So this is like the sculpted outline of the jawbone? Yeah. But not even really. It's like where they wish the jawbone were. It's like Bob

from Biggest Loser used to rock that shit. He's totally gay. I was on a Christian rock station in Asheville, Carolina. You were on a Christian rock station in Asheville? Right. And they were like, keep it Christian. I was like, of course.

Keep it Christian, they said to you. That's the opposite of stay black. That's the exact opposite of stay black keep it christian no no dicks in your ass i think the ending is still the same oh so so he christian whoa so then i go don't worry about it i'll talk about the biggest loser because i was obsessed about the biggest loser and i was like where can we sit here wrong on the biggest loser because the girl was too right and the girl's like we started talking about and i was like i go first of all bob and jillian are beasts because i worked out in Bob's spin class at Crunch LA.

And I go, he said one of the greatest things in a workout. I remember, again, I was like 220 pounds, getting ready to go home for Thanksgiving. And I'm doing spin class. And he says, I want you to stay out of the saddle. Stay out of the saddle for Thanksgiving. You're going to see people you grew up with. Do you want them to look at you and go, God, I wish I fucked him? And I'm like, yes, yes.

And I'm peddling and peddling. But I didn't say fuck on the thing. And then the girl goes. How did you say that on the Christian show? Do you want them to wish that they had been with you? That they had dated you? Do you want them to look at you and think your life is better? It was like a long rant.

Because then I ended up, the only thing that bummed me out was he's gay. So then the whole time she goes, hold on, Bob is not gay. And I was like, no, Bob's really gay. Like, he's definitely gay. You weren't allowed to say that? No, no, she just didn't know Bob. The guy she's modeled her life after is a homosexual. She had no idea?

No idea. By the way, Bob and Jillian are the hosts of this show, right? Yeah, yeah, and Bob's totally gay. I've never watched the show, so I'm just the hosts of this show. Yeah, yeah. And Bob's totally gay. I've never watched the show. Wow. So Bob is out? Oh, yeah. Okay.

But she doesn't know. He's not out. He doesn't come on to whatever talk show and go, so I'm really gay. But not that that would... Is he like Anderson Cooper out? Yeah, right, right, right. Is he super out?

I don't know. Is Anderson Cooper out? Everyone keeps on telling me he's gay. I never thought he was gay. I thought he was heroic. I have no problem with gay, but he seems gay. Does he not really have to talk about it? I don't know Is Anderson Cooper out? Everyone keeps on telling me he's gay I never thought he was gay I thought he was heroic I have no problem with gay But he seems gay He seems like a very nice gay man

Yeah he's definitely gay He's got pretty lips He's definitely Anderson Cooper's definitely gay He seems like it No he is But I like the guy Yeah I have nothing wrong with him being gay

For a lot of people That's a huge issue though Oh yeah That's all America That's a bummer of an issue man Like what do you give a fuck Why do you That's a bummer of an issue, man. Like, what do you give a fuck? Why do you care? Such a bummer.

Some dudes fuck fat chicks. I bet Tom Brokaw is one of those people. Do you really think so? Yeah. Why? It's just because it's competition and he's old school. He's like, yeah. There's a square coming up behind me in the ratings.

Making me nervous. He's got old school gay things. He's like, this moe dicker. That's mowing cock with his mouth. I lived around gay kids, or gay people rather. I lived around a lot of gay people when I was growing up. I got just really used to it. I lived in San Francisco from 7 to 11.

So the whole time, we were constantly around gay people. The only time it was ever weird was when some dude whistled at my stepdad. I was like, whoa. Really? Yeah, that was fucked up. I was like, that's not just rude. A guy's walking with his son and you're whistling at him? Yeah. He made like one of those

and I was like, oh, this is the creepiest fucking thing ever. Being seven years old and have somebody do that? But that's just a douchebag. That guy could have been a guy. He could have been a straight guy, rather. He's the same guy working the sledgehammer that sees a girl and goes, or the

overly aggressive lesbian trying to pick up women. Have you ever seen that? No, no, no. Fuck that. I'm talking about the overly aggressive lesbian that walks up to me and says shit to me at a gay bar. I lived with two lesbians in New York for a long time you and we go out to their bars because they wanted to go there and we'd go and hang out and have beers and then there'd all be that that chick to just roll up on me like what are you doing here and you're like come on i'm just hanging out yeah but what

are you doing here but no one wants you here and you'd be like and then my friends would be like he's with us he's our roommate and i always wanted like, bitch, I'm the guy that turned you into the girl you are today. Don't ever fucking forget that. But I never said it. I never said it. I just was always like, oh, I'm just saying. Let me get you a drink. Wow.

Some pent-up hostility there, Bert Kreischer. Yeah. Wait, let's talk. Wait, let's go. Can we go back for a second about our brain? Yeah, sure. Okay, because so you give me a bottle. I gave it to you, and I forgot I gave it to you.

And I offered to give it to you again today. And I took it. Yeah, you took it, but you were telling me that you tweeted about some crazy dreams and I didn't hear them. Okay, not even crazy dreams. We're talking about, does anyone know what a real fucking lucid dream is? Yeah. Okay, a lucid dream. For anyone that's not listening, in my opinion, this is what these pills did to me.

Okay? It's a dream where in the middle you go, oh, fuck, I'm dreaming. I can do anything I fucking want. Okay? Now, it's as good as, so I had a dream one time. I was going in to do an important TB thing, and I was nervous about it. And so I was taking AlphaBrain. And in the dream, I went in, I did it, and I did it wrong.

But it was so fucking real. It was so real I could taste it, and I was depressed, in the middle of a dream, depressed that I had fucked this up. And then I got in the elevator to leave, and I saw that I was wearing highlight, a neon red casa workout pants with a matching neon bandana, and no shirt. And I was like, okay, this is clearly a fucking dream. So you had to see yourself dressed, shirtless, with a bandana on i was no shirt i was like okay this is clearly a fucking dream but then i realized see yourself dressed shirtless with a bandana on to realize but i realized it's a dream and then i went that's how you realized it it was so fucking real and vivid spin your cradle brother imagine imagine just a fucking interview where it's like everything you never wanted to say came out right and you handled everything wrong and i went okay so i wake up i'm freaked out and i'm like and i'm like okay that's how not to do that i just problem

solved the day i'm not concerned because i know what not to say because i know how that goes now i don't know what to say so then so then like the next night and i'll buy it mind you every night my wife's telling me you got to stop taking these fucking alpha brains because i'm on fire i'm like 10 o'clock at night and i'm still talking about these ideas. Like I'm fucking, they really woke me up. I go to bed the next night. I'm in the middle of a dream. I'm doing a photo shoot in the dream on Wilshire. And I go, what the fuck am I doing on Wilshire doing a photo shoot?

This is a dream. I can do anything I fucking want right now. And I literally say to everyone, guys, I'm going to rap. This is a dream. And they go, huh? And I walk out on Wilshire and I fly up La Cienega, right? Fly. Fly.

I just go, fuck it. I can fly. And I start flying. And I go, this is fucking awesome. Now, mind you, it's also a dream. So I got lost in the hills. So I was like, fuck. Where the fuck am I?

None of this is real. So I don't know where the fuck I am. And I end up at my buddy Lorenzo's house. And I was like, I want to see my girls. Let's go to my house. he's like okay and then you know in dreams and they just transform to other things but every one of my dreams has been more insane and the fact that you can interact inside them what fucking flips me out to the point where i was like i gotta hop off them because i need some rest because i'm going into dreams fucking problem solving shit the shit going on in your brain that you dream about that night, I'm going in with the ability

to work on in my sleep. I fucking love these things. Wow. John Moore, one of my good friends who was one of the writers to the Sheen roast, he had heard about some of my dreams. He was like, I got to get these fucking things. And then started tweeting. He retweeted one of his things.

But man, these things are fucking awesome. That's the biggest effect for me is the dreams. The way I say it is like a normal lucid dream to me is like a bubble, like a children's bubble. It's so fragile. By the time you realize you have it in your hand, it's gone. Every time I've ever had a lucid dream before, I would have them. And then right in the middle of it, I realized I was dreaming, and then boom, I'd wake up.

But in these, instead of being made out of a bubble, it's made out of a dodgeball. That dodgeball skill. You just punch it and fucking move it around. You just wake up in a dream, and you go, oh, I'm in a dream, and you just keep going in the dream. It's very strange. Last night, I was testing plywood wakeboards for the cia in wiki watchy right and i was like i was like fucking totally right i i saw this video that was the closest of what i love to dream about which is flying i think a lot of you all have that dream

about flying around like you were saying there's this thing called uh body with these body parachutes have you seen this video joe it's uh there's this thing called Body with these body parachutes Have you seen this video Joe? There's this thing called the need for speed mountain carving And it's these guys that have these parachutes Attached to their bodies And they just fly around these mountains Like just flying over trees And it's crazy Wow

Look at this shit As soon as I can get it through Is this the guy But they got to jump up a mountain right huh i think what it uses it uses the air uh like they've done it here in uh cow basses also i've seen these people with these like parachutes it just it uses like the air or the heat of the air or something like that but it's uh it's on vimeo it's called the need for speed mountain carving check out it will freak you the fuck out. It's terrifying when you see this shit. Oh, yeah.

I've seen this. I saw this. Yeah. This does look really scary. But these guys also die very often. Do they? A lot, Brian. Like a lot?

Like more than dudes. Rollerblade. It seems like it's so close that it just takes one little, small little mistake to fucking die. You're talking too loud. You get your mouth right on that thing, and it gets way elevated. They're like squirrel suits. Yeah, but dude, those things are dangerous as fuck. They're really dangerous.

And we did something with someone who was doing a shark diving thing. By the way, I'm going shark diving with Rachel Ray in a couple weeks. What? What are you trying to die with Rachel Ray? We were just in Mexico. You keep doing crazy shit with Rachel Ray, man. We were What? What are you trying to die with Rachel Ray? We were just in Mexico. You keep doing crazy shit with Rachel Ray, man. We were in Mexico two days.

Let me tell you something. And this is like, don't, never mind. Don't repeat this. It's not on the internet. No, no, no. I was going to say,

just don't let everyone tweet Rachel Ray that I was talking about on your podcast. But she's very private, but we just stayed up late. Too late. Got hammered.

The trolls are in motion. Calls down. Send up a buffet. Like, just fucking, I never have more fun with someone. Really? Are you in love with Rachel Ray? Not in motion. Calls down. Send up a buffet. Like just fucking, I never have more fun with someone. Really? Are you in love with Rachel Ray? Not in love. I could, if she was a man, I'd have a man

crush. If she was a dude, she'd be your bestie. Oh, if she was my dude? Oh, we'd be hanging out in my man cave all the time. Wow, that's very strange. She was really fun. She's a lot of fun. She's really cool. More grounded than anyone. And this is the only reason I say she's grounded. Some people ordered some wine to her room. And I've been with a lot of fun. She's really cool. More grounded than anyone. And this is the only reason I say she's grounded. Some people ordered some wine to her room.

And I've been with a lot of, I don't know how rich she is, but I'm assuming she's wealthy. I've been around a lot of people and sometimes when the bill comes and everyone expects them to sign it, they just sign it. And she looked at it and was like, who ordered a $350 bottle of wine? And then they were like, she was like, where is it? I'm going to definitely have a glass of that. She goes, this isn't a $350 bottle of wine. And then they were like, she was like, where is it? I'm going to definitely have a glass of that. She goes, this isn't a $350 bottle of wine. There's at least at most a $70 bottle of wine from room service. Send someone up to talk to me about a $350.

And I was like, whoa, I was like, man, she's a real motherfucker. Like that shit. My wife does. So somebody tried to fuck her over.

Some of they sent extra shit up to her room and she was like, this isn't $350. Yeah, not at all. Whoa. And I never took her. What like, this isn't $350. Yeah, not at all. Whoa. And I never took her on a walk. What hotel was this? In fucking Mexico. Oh, in Mexico.

They got crafty. Yeah, San Miguel de Allende. Yeah, dude, what is it like traveling through fucking Mexico right now? Oh, I'll tell you, because I had a fucking security detail. What? What? Fucking Edgar meets me, peace on his back, right? Old school Mexican, just sits at the airport.

I walk in. He goes, Mr. Kreutzer. And I was like, yeah. And he goes, let's go. And that dude followed me everywhere. I went to the bar to drink by myself. He sat and watched. Really?

He slept outside my room. What? Right outside my room. Because he was just like, it's also Rachel's production. And they're not going to cut corners on safety. What the fuck kind of feeling is that? I got a picture of him. I'm sure I tweeted it, but fucking real dude followed me everywhere to the point that when we went, I had to go back to the airport.

It was like an hour drive. Hour drive is a little sketchy in Mexico. And we drove back. He drove with me. I check in. I check my bag in, and I go, all right, Edgar. I give him like $100 because he never left my side. I go, thank you. Gracias. He check my bag in. And I go, all right, Edgar. I give him like $100 because he never left my side. I go, thank you.

Gracias. He just spoke no English. And he goes, no, no, no. Aquí. Aquí. I went, no, no, no. I'm just checking in now. He goes, aquí.

Aquí. Until el puerto. Or whatever. Airplane. Whatever. Until you get on the airplane, I'm not leaving. So he waited, watched me go through security, and then sat there in case I had a problem. Wow.

Guy was fucking awesome And Rachel had one too But hers was much better looking Hers was better looking? Guy was a fucking stud Really? Yeah like Did you get uncomfortable around him?

No She had him And she had this black dude too Who was from America That she brought just extra Eddie Do you think they tag teamed her? No but I so badly

Wanted to get drunk with her And go let's make our Security details fight Make them fight Yeah let's just go to a fight. Make them fight? Yeah, let's just go to a room and make them fight. Night fight out in the back alley. Teach us how to pistol whip somebody. Something fun. In Mexico?

Yeah. Dude. So were you terrified? Were you ever able to relax? No, I was totally relaxed and I was totally not terrified at all. Really? Yeah, because even though you thought you needed all the security everywhere? The second you have a security guy, you get brave. And you're like, I can do whatever the fuck I want.

Really? Yeah, I was like, Edgar, where do we get some t-shirts? He goes, no outside, no outside. Here, here, aquí. So we just stayed at this bar and drank. He just watched me drink the whole fucking night. Wow. And then I kept mixing up quieros and tienes.

So I wanted to say, do you want a cigar but instead i just looked at him like do you have a fucking cigar oh no and he was like no no but wow it was awesome it was really cool that's a big mistake yeah that turns you from a nice guy to a douchebag yeah and then but i realized at the end of the night when I said it again, and I said, do you want to go to bed with me? And then I said, you have to go to bed with me. It's a joke. Okay. I missed that joke. I'm not that good

on Mexican material. Did you see anything fucked up while you were there at all? Any gunfire shit? Any cars pulled over the side of the road with tanks or anything crazy? No. It was really fucking laid back. They say if you're in parts

of Mexico, it's really safe. It's the border towns. Being an ignorant American, I just assume that the whole country's fucked. It's like, meanwhile, if you came to America and you were an alien and you landed in detroit out of nowhere this is the first place you landed a straight shot from alpha centauri

right to detroit you would be convinced that the holocaust has already happened that you know you're there's bears roaming the streets of detroit they've had bears they've taken photos of bears in residential neighborhoods because no one lives there anymore. I mean, it's just the craziest fucking city of all time. 50% can't read. The literacy rate in Detroit is 47%. That was what it was. And Michigan has the two top most dangerous cities in it, too.

Really? Both of them are the two top ones. Flint? Is Flint one of them? I can't remember. So is Alaska. And I think that's just the population, the ratio, the population.

Right, the percentage of people that get murdered. I heard, this is going to sound racist, but I'll say it anyway. I heard that the reason Alaska is so dangerous is that... There's white people up there? No. Eskimo's a slur, by the way, up there. Did you know that?

Yeah, someone just told me that. You're supposed to say Inuit. Eskimo is like slur, by the way, up there. Did you know that? Yeah, someone just told me that. You called someone an Eskimo. You're supposed to say Inuit. Inuit, yeah. Eskimo is like calling a black guy a nigger. Hey. That's what it's like. That word totally caught me off guard. I was like, no, that's exactly what that's like.

How ridiculous is that? I didn't know because I'm calling everyone Eskimos. Whoa, shit. I was walking around like I had been in a time machine and jumped ahead of time from the 50s into the 2000s. I was like, look at all these Eskimos. That's one of the side effects from AlphaBrain. You both learned that at the same time. Where's all these goddamn Orientals coming from?

This guy said Orientals once, and someone said, hey, man, that's a slur. And I go, whoa, how could Oriental be a slur? It's from the Orient. Yeah, that's a big slur. That's a huge slur could oriental be a slur? It's from the Orient. Yeah, you didn't know. That's a big slur. That's a huge slur. How is it a slur? You didn't know that was a slur.

Because oriental is an object. Yeah. Asian is a race. Yeah. But the Orient is a place. Yeah, it's a place. That's a city. So being oriental, an oriental person, that used to be acceptable.

Yeah, when you could purchase people to make your railroads. No. No, I think so. Is that it? No. Yeah, I think they were like, we bought all these orientals. Really? Yeah, we bought them over here.

I never thought of it that way. Along with these other oriental objects like this rug and this hash pipe. Wow, I never thought of it that way. Wow. I always thought of it as just being a designation or a past, where you're from, what part of the world. Like being a European, I always thought it was, you know, or being a Westerner. Yeah. Being an Oriental, I really didn't think that it was an offensive term.

In Canada, they call Indians, what we would call Native Americans, they just call them natives. And I was like, that sounds fucking aggressive. That's so aggressive. look at all these fucking natives they're shitting everywhere they're boiling a pot of water the idea is crazy really that human beings have only been on this continent for a couple of thousand years you know and over the last couple hundred I mean could you imagine taking a look in any other part of the world and take a look at it from 500 years ago

600 years ago and you know there would still be people there 600 years ago here fucking no horses man there was no horses yeah american indians didn't have horses they didn't get the horses until the europeans came over here they do they were so they were complete nomads they were running down deer. They would do what's called persistence hunting, where they would run down deer until the deer died of exhaustion. And they were most of the time too tired to even eat. And so the whole village would eat.

I mean, it would be like close to death. They would be close to death to kill this deer. Are you shitting me? Yeah, it was a common way of hunting back then. And then they found the horse when the europeans came here that was you see that was the problem with when the europeans came here the the people who were living here at the time because of their their their folklore and their their you know i believe it's the incans they thought that the people on horses were gods they thought this is this is a god like someone riding an animal like they had never seen that before ever it is it is bizarre because you and callan this is a fucking now i'm doing a

podcast fanagy but you and callan had talked about that one time and i have been obsessed with the concepts that we can we have dominion over these fucking animals that are so much bigger than us it would you would think if you're a fucking Native American Indian and you see this Spaniard with a mustache and a steel hat that goes up like this carrying buckets of gold on a stallion just, yeah! It's impressive. Well, what's going on is that the whole rest of the world was doing agriculture. But in North America, people were hunting and gathering. It was a completely different group of humans. It was all the people that came down from the Bering Strait from Siberia. That's who the humans were. That's all the American Indians were.

They figured that out because some guy was convinced that the Mormon books were true and that Joseph Smith had told the truth. Joseph Smith had said that what the American Indians were were the lost tribe of Jesus. They had come to America with the last words of Jesus and they were written on these golden scrolls. Only he can read them. This guy, in trying to prove that it was true,

actually did a DNA test on Native Americans. He found out that they're Asian. They come from Siberia, come from the connection. Wait, so wait. Imagine, I would love to fuck you. So those people just walked, man,

and they had the same culture for thousands of years because when they got here, there was no civilization here before because the entire fucking continent was covered in ice. We can't even wrap our head around that like for for thousands and thousands of years there was nothing here there was just melted ice and a few fucking weird you know Inuit type people wandering around

killing things with bows and arrows pretty nuts man I you said something that i that i don't i'm gonna hopefully this will make sense but so the indians did not know how to bring the corn closer to their house they just were like well the corn's over there that's what i don't know about that i don't know that they probably there's no agriculture well i you know when they first came down there certainly wasn't but't. But I don't know whether or not Indians established their own agriculture. Didn't they supposedly? Oh, no, no, no. Was it? Tobacco.

They taught us how to make fucking tobacco. But it was the idea that the Americans, or rather the original settlers, taught the American Indians, the Native Americans, how to plant their corn. Wasn't that? I wouldn't think so. They could have known. Here's the only reason I agree or I hear that, and I go, oh. We should fucking know.

Yeah, we should know. No, no, don't know. Let's not know. That's not that we should know. Charlie Brown probably taught us that. I got drunk with this old politician guy a while ago, and he was very racist, older, from the South,

and he was slam racist, older, like from the South. And he was slamming like fucking the people of, the native people of South America. He was like, these motherfuckers couldn't even use a wheel. Because apparently, yeah. And I was like, whoa.

And I was like, shut up. And I just thought he was just being racist and it was fun to listen to. But apparently it was true. When the Spaniards came over, they were like, that. And I was like, shut up. And I just thought he was just being racist and it was fun to listen to. But apparently it was true. When the Spaniards came over, they were like, that toy you gave your children, we use it to move fucking haul shit. I was like, fuck. Well, you know what's even more incredible? What?

This was all post when they had built those pyramids. So all this, you know, that's thousands of years ago. So they had built the pyramids and not used a fucking wheel? Oh, yeah. go so they built the pyramids and not used a fucking wheel oh yeah well we don't we don't have a goddamn clue as how they built chichen itza or any of those places but they built them essentially without any horses without you know without any machines these these fucking people built these incredible stone structures in the jungle you know i don't know how the fuck they did it they obviously did figure out how to do it but that's a fucking reality show it's amazing can you make a pyramid without using horses without using horses no horses allowed if you we if we catch you bringing a

horse on the plane you're you're off the show yeah you know you you uh listen to the podcast that we have with graham hancock did you listen to that one yeah yeah he's on the money i think he's dead on their money i think that there think that there was a whole other advanced civilization a long time ago, and they got wiped the fuck out. Oh, I thought you were talking about aliens. Well, I don't think he had a really specific opinion of aliens. No, but that night, right after I saw that, I saw a thing on, I think it was on History Channel, about the pyramid.

Age of Aliens? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they were talking about how the fucking aliens, it's all the aliens. And I was like... And then I think I mixed the two. And then I mixed him up and the guy with the British accent. Giorgio Tsoukalos is the guy who was...

No, Graham Hancock is the guy with the British accent. Okay. Giorgio Tsoukalos is the guy who was from Ancient Aliens. We had him on the podcast, too. Great hair, that guy. Yeah, he's an interesting cat. He believes everything is aliens. How long until you're tired of talking to people?

I don't have a problem with it. But when are you going to tap out and be like, I think I've talked to everyone I want to talk to. Well, never, because I'm talking to you again. I know, but I get like two more visits and you're going to be like, I get it. You're crazy, dude. Duncan says that every time he comes over.

Man, I don't know if I have anything to talk about man i go don't worry about it dude let's just fucking riff come on let's talk you you're always gonna have look you're not gonna stop thinking man you're not gonna stop you're not gonna stop experiencing life you're not gonna stop having revelations you're not gonna stop having stories you know what's crazy is you've had training in doing podcasts before we even started this podcast. Because I don't know how many times after a show or something, we would all go eat. It's always going to go eat with everybody that we're hanging around with. And we would sit there for hours and do the same thing as a podcast, but without fucking recording it.

Oh, dude. We had some classic conversations. You and me and eddie bravo and you know every comedian ari and joey diaz and let me tell you the best thing about this podcast is is uh what i'm waiting for a fucking falcon to land on your arm dude by the way if you want to make your own falcon wrist thing just use pineapple i i've been making falcon wrist pineapples because we've been juicing and you've been juicing too we just got a juicer say what you were gonna to say.

What were you going to say? I fucking got obsessed with Eddie Bravo one night. Really? Just obsessed. Why? Through a window? Well, no. You guys were talking about him creating a move, and then some guy used that move for the first time.

Oh, it was when a guy caught the first twister in the UFC. Right. He didn't really create the move. He just invented a whole lot of setups for it and became a master at it and really good at teaching it. Right. And then I started following him on Twitter, and then I was like, he just invented a whole lot of setups for it and became a master at it and really good at teaching it right and then i started following him on twitter and then i was like he just is so much more diverse of a human being than anyway why i start researching him i'm like whoa he's got 10th planet he does his own jiu-jitsu he teaches jiu-jitsu he's written books about it he's in a band he's i go wow he seems a lot more diverse than the majority of people out there so

then i just start reading all his Wikipedia, watching all his videos, and then I'm like, okay, this is getting borderline gay. I go, there's no way Eddie Bravo is fucking watching my shit. He's an interesting dude. I never met a guy like Eddie Bravo. Fascinating guy. He's the guy who got me to smoke weed. That's what I was like.

I was like, how did that? Doug Benson didn't smoke weed until he was like 30 also. Yeah. Look, man, if you don't know, and one of the reasons why a lot of people don't like pot is because they're not smoking pot. One of the reasons why they're worried about other people doing it is because they're scared they're going to like it themselves.

Well, they're scared about doing it. It's like the same thing about doing coke. You're scared about being a loser. That's what you're scared about. You're not scared. I'm telling you, it's not going to make you a goddamn loser. I thought it did. And a lot of you do, too. a trick you've been fooled it's a it's a very fabulous tool for the

mind and in 45 days we are all going to get rid of our local pot shops because obama is destroying us all and we're all going to die wait are you shitting me yeah they uh the way he phrases it so eloquently like a gay woman because obama's destroying us all and we're all going to die. That's not a gay woman. That's a gay man. Anyone on YouTube saw his hands flap out like a flipper. Obama is destroying us all and we're all going to die. Isn't that how you said that?

You could not have said that gay. That was Nancy Grace-y. That was such a way to, yeah. Did you hear Nancy Grace farted on the air? No, that's not real. It is real. It was on TMZ. Well, look, fat people fart a lot.

I've seen her nipple and she farted in a month. Whatever you're doing, Nancy Grace, now I'm on your team. I want to see more. I want to see your asshole. I want to see fucking everything. All right, Nancy Grace porn. Who do you want to see her fuck? Black guys, for sure.

No, no, no. The guy from the Michael Jackson trial, the doctor. I want to see him fuck that guy. Those two. No, I think no. The guy from the Michael Jackson trial, the doctor. I want to see him. That guy. Those two. No, I think Nancy Grace. That'd be awesome. She wants the forbidden fruit. You think so?

Yeah. Yeah. Fucking African-American. Definitely. It's a porn, guys. She's going to do four guys. You get the pick. Well, the first one, she's just got to do one guy.

Just to loosen up. Just one hardcore brother. Yeah, one hardcore gangster dude with tattoos on his face. And then I'd love to see Fox Morning run a train on her. Just fucking with this other chick. Fox Morning news. I threw Hank Williams under the bus. I want Dallas Rain to rain on her back.

You know what I'm talking about? Isn't he a local guy? That's a local reference. Local weatherman, but his name's Dallas Rain and he's a weatherman. Well, that's better than Brent Cummings, the guy who they found a dead guy next to him naked in a bathtub with no water. His name was Cummings. They found a dead guy next to him in a bathtub. You don't know this?

And it was another fucking weather guy. Fred Rogan did it. A weather guy in Arkansas. Or no, Oklahoma, I think. One of those. Either Arkansas or Oklahoma. And he was one of these guys with the crazy fake weather voice.

We've got a high pressure system coming in for the East. Those guys, you know how some radio DJs do the same thing? They just put on this fucking fake voice. You're like, who are you? Because when I'm on the air, we're on the air. And we're back. Last podcast. Making it all rolling. So tell me, Bert Kreischer,

stand-up comic since 1999, what got you started? Yeah, we've got with us Bert Kreischer. Yeah, exactly. So wait, let's get back to HeFightDay. Who's they, and was he asleep? Did he not know there was a dead guy next to him? He was at a guy's house, and they were all partying and snorting drugs. This is the story.

And the dude wakes up in the middle of the night because he hears snoring, just ridiculous snoring. Goes downstairs, opens up the bathroom. There's a dead guy in the bathtub with a dog collar on next to a snoring weatherman. And they're both naked. And there's no water in the

bathtub. That's the weirdest part! It's awesome! You gotta know that somewhere out there there's someone that's fucking up way harder than you okay it's a perspective enhance maybe the water just all emptied into their assholes yeah I don't know probably not wait what's the first words out of your mouth you're woken up there's a dead guy with a dog collar on you and you're in a bathtub first words out of your mouth hey his face is purple. Don't wake him up. He's sound asleep.

No, the dude's face was purple. Oh, okay. He's totally dead. He was dead. He was asphyxiated and probably choked on his own vomit. Who knows? Overdosed. Who knows?

So what's your alibi? You don't say anything. You say, I guess somebody doesn't know how to fucking party. And then you get out and you get out of the tub and you fucking shake it off. I guess someone doesn't know how to party. That's how you know. Nobody could ever say shit to that dude. I mean. I guess someone doesn't know how to party. That's how you know. Nobody could ever say shit to that dude. I mean, I know you're the king of

partying, so much so that they made that Van Wilder movie. That movie's based on you, and this is a true story. A lot of people don't know this. It sounds like horse shit, but they made a fucking movie based on you being such a party animal. But you can't fuck with that guy. If he wants to talk, who parties

harder? Bitch, I party so hard with people, they die sometimes. animal but you can't fuck with that guy if you want to talk what's up who parties harder bitch i party so hard with people they die sometimes naked next to me in a bathtub with a dog collar that's how you know you're partying hard oh my dude you're partying with winds up naked with a dog collar on dead you know how hard it would be to get to bite people out for drinks after that and meanwhile homeboy just fell asleep. Didn't even bother him. You know, this fucking dude's dead. Someone's dying next to him.

And he's like... He's snoring so loud, he wakes the fucking dude up. They wake him up and he's like... Could you imagine, man? Could you imagine you hear snoring? Who the fuck is snoring, man? This fucking party's been over for two hours. Who's in my house, goddammit?

You come wandering downstairs And that's what you find A dead guy with a dog collar on I wonder what they were snorting Probably oxycontins Oxycontins apparently are all the rage That's what they're having a real problem with With kids

I did it recently Did you really? Yeah first time You fucking retard Why not? Because people die. Because you're going to pass out backwards. Brian's trying to go the other way. I took two hits

just to try it out. Jesus Christ, you took two? And it was very crack-addicky. You take aluminum foil and you put the pill on top of it and you light it from underneath so it kind of melts and then you take a straw and you kind of do it like you're inhaling the fumes that it

burns from chasing the dragon. Huh? Chasing the dragon. Chasing the dragon. They do it with heroin too. Why don't you just swallow the pill? Because I think you can get more out of it. Like I think it's when you smoke it, it hits you faster. I think maybe it hits you faster for

sure. That's how gross people who are addicted are. You can't even wait until the pill digests and starts to work in your body. You have to smoke it. It didn't. I could feel it a little, but honestly, it was more like, I think, if I took NyQuil, it would have been better. Or something like that. To me, it felt gross. I have a good feeling when I do some drugs. I'm just like, you know what? That's that it wasn't to me it felt gross and like definitely i have a good

thing feeling when i do some drugs i'm just like you know what that's just a stupid ass drug and that was totally one of those stupid ass drugs dude there was a crazy story that i ran across yesterday and i put it on the rogan board and uh apparently it's been going around for a while there's a dude on um vice tv and and he he interviewed this chick and she's on YouTube she calls herself neuro soup have you ever heard of this girl yeah she's the one who had a video about putting DMT upper ass right like how long the trip went yeah what comedy trooper is she in she's not in a comedy troupe at all it's a neuro soup her YouTube video. That's her YouTube name.

So anyway, this dude, Hamilton Morris, is the head psychedelic guy over at Vice.com. You know, Vice.tv or VBS.tv, the Vice guide to Liberia. You know, those crazy travel guides. Have you ever watched those? No. Dude, you are missing out on a huge chunk of crazy. Seriously. These guys are fucking badass, man. Really? Yeah, they go everywhere,

man. They go to Thailand. They go to Thailand and pick up ladyboys and shit. They go to Liberia. They go to Liberia and they go to whorehouses in Liberia where it's like a dollar. Where it's like sex is like a dollar. And there's no windows to the place. They're like

cement huts. Who are these guys to the place they're like like like you know like cement huts who are these guys dude they're bad asses and this this guy hamilton morris is the psychedelic guy and he writes uh all these articles about psychedelica and he interviews people and he interviewed this chick and this neuro soup girl and this neural soup girl her name was uh crystal she was living with this guy. She was a stripper, a goth stripper in Kansas, and she was living with this guy who was the number one LSD and MDMA dealer in the area. And this guy had a missile silo.

He bought a missile silo. I want one of those so bad. And he got into some underground nuclear bunker type situation. This fucking place was radical. It's incredible. There's all these photos of it online. If you're looking for it, go to vice.com. It's Hamilton's Pharmacopia Getting High on Crystal.

Just look for Getting High on Crystal, K-R-Y-S-T-L-E. Look for that online. And follow her on Twitter. Yeah, whatever. So anyway, this girl um she she hooks up with this dude and she stops stripping and becomes this crazy psychedelic head like she's doing everything under the fucking sun every day of the week she's just one day she's doing acid the next day she's doing dmt and these guys had dmt hooked up to ivs they had it hooked up to ivs

where they were doing liquid DMT and they were regulating it on the IV so they were surfing the DMT dimension. They were constantly getting it brought in their body. And who knows what the fuck they did to their heads, but one of the guys started going crazy, her boyfriend. And when her boyfriend decided that his partner

was doing bad things or was going to fuck him over or was going to get him arrested. So he goes to the DEA. These fucking guys have a missile silo where they're dripping DMT into their veins and Homeboy did so much, he brought himself to the DEA.

So he turns his buddy in to the DEA. And then, you know, the dude who's the chemist winds up doing like two life terms or something like that. You know, he's fucked. And they give him immunity. They they give him immunity so this is how our dea runs this fucking guy yeah this guy who is just he's probably just completely cooked his fucking brain so he winds up traveling for free i mean he can he's a free man he doesn't have to worry about he's not running from the cops he winds up traveling the whole whole country while his buddy is doing two life terms with this girl.

And all over the place, they're just doing insane drugs at every stop along the way. Until they get back and she's trying to get away from him. She hooks up with another dude. And the other dude is telling her, like, hey, you know, we got to turn this guy in. Like, he's crazy. He's going to kill us. So they go to the DEA. And the DEA tells the guy, hey, you know, we gotta turn this guy in, like, he's crazy, he's gonna kill us. So they go to the DEA, and the DEA tells the guy,

hey, your fucking girlfriend and her new boyfriend just came and visited us. And they told us everything, you fucking dummy. You better deal with that. So, this fucking crazy man, this crazy dealer guy that she, you know, the original guy, he takes them and locks them in a

hotel room, and dopespes them and ties this dude up to a chair and administers drugs into his dick and his balls with injections and he did it for a week it is the craziest story of just excess and chaos and just complete insanity. Just chemical-induced complete insanity. It sounded like Homeboy was probably crazy to begin with back when he was selling drugs out of a missile silo. Yeah. But at the end, he was Gonsville. At the end, he was gone.

I'm sure this is going to make it sound like I'm so lost in this story. How did you hear about this? Is this on Vice? On drugpen penis.com i'll just let that sit um there's a message board all about inserting drugs into your penis this is the top story no uh somebody sent me on twitter i think i'm pretty sure but but where can i see this well like i said it's on vice.com just go to vice.com. Is this vice.com, is this like 100% accurate story and everything? Because this seems so ridiculous.

No, it's all documented. That's so crazy. I looked the whole thing up. It's a huge article. If you read the article online, it is, let me go to it, I think it's like 10 pages. It's a really big and very deep, seven pages. A very detailed article. But it all happened, man. It's a pretty famous story. Isn't it weird, though, when you hear things like this and you're like,

nowadays, you're like, this has to be fake. Like, even when Steve Jobs died. I don't know what you're talking about, because this doesn't seem fake at all to me. That doesn't sound that fake, actually. Somebody kidnaps somebody and inserts fucking drugs into their penis and ass for a week. That's crazy. Consider who you're talking about. The guy that did it is a guy

that had already turned on somebody and so he'd had those nights of him on drugs thinking, man, if I got fucking turned on, I'd go fucking crazy. And then they come to him and tell him that his wife's not only fucking some other dude, but he turned him on also. I don't know. That's not too far out of the spectrum. It's just weird that some of these stories

nowadays, it just seems so far-fetched and amazing. Yeah, but this isn't far-fetched at all. I know what you're saying, but this to me seems pretty normal. When people start selling drugs, this guy was dealing kilos of crystalline MDMA. He was just traveling across the country selling MDMA, and they were doing it constantly. Put that in perspective. For someone that's never done DMT or MDMA. Oh, okay.

Kilos. Yeah, MDMA is ecstasy for folks who don't know. It's the pure stuff. I mean, that's what I heard. And what it is is, you know, it's incredible. It feels awesome, but God damn, it takes a toll on your brain. Woo, the next day I've never felt dumber. And I've heard that if you get really good stuff, it doesn't do that, but I call horse shit.

It does it. There was a guy in college who used to do a lot of ecstasy. I wish I could remember this kid's name. Everyone that went to college with me will know exactly who I'm talking about. Little short kid with blonde hair that looked like a surfer. He looked like Mark Ocalupo, the surfer. And then towards the end of college, he used to have this saying for cigarettes, barradariums. What?

Barradariums. He called cigarettes Baradariums? Yeah, but then we just realized he was so fucked up that he was trying to say there was a French cigarette, but that was what he smoked, but he just came out of his mouth Baradariums, and his eyes started going on him. And man, I'd die to see what that kid looks like now. I wish people that were

really fucked up would go on Facebook. That ecstasy really has taken a lot of people's brains. I've met many people that I know do a lot of ecstasy, and they wind up completely falling apart. It's so bad for you. I mean, I would venture to say that as a father of two, I will make the cover-all statement to my children, all drugs are bad for you, don't do any of them.

Because it would be nice to get to a Dane Cook place in life where you've never done fucking anything. What are you even talking about? No, no, but I mean just to be like, to be just sitting in bed and going, oh, I don't have to worry about fucking inhaling fucking Glade as a child and wonder what that did to my lungs or, you know, like cocaine

or acid or ecstasy. Like when I'm having a panic attack in the middle of the night and I'm like, great, I did this to myself. Sometimes I feel that way and I go, if I had never never done anything would any of this shit be around I'm going to tell my kids that Be healthy I'm sure you tell your kids the same thing Yeah and most certainly But I just want to be real clear

With them about what is legal Or rather what is dangerous And what is not and what's simply illegal There's some reasons why things are illegal That don't make any sense at all And it's a good lesson It's a good lesson that the world is not structured correctly. And you have to know that and always mind your P's and Q's and everything is not as it seems to be because the whole, the system that we're operating under is fucking crazy.

It's ridiculously flawed. And so I would make sure that before I got into anything, I would, I would let them know that. So don't always believe what you hear. And then here's what's dangerous. Here's what's addictive. Here's what's going to get you locked up in jail. Here's what's actually legal. Here's what's legal and safe. Here's what's legal and not so safe.

And by the way, don't do anything by yourself. Make sure you know what the fuck you're doing. Do it with people that you trust. And only hang around people that you trust yeah you know i find that people that hang around people that they don't trust and it's really because they didn't have good relationships with their parents you know i'm gonna try to have the best possible relationship as a friend with my kids as possible so that they never feel like they can talk they can't talk to me about something and i'm going to talk to them about every step along the way of their life.

And I think that's what you're supposed to do. Yeah, the idea of drugs scare the shit out of me, man. The idea of meth or something like that. Those are the drugs I'm scared about, like Oxycontin, meth, coke, even coke. I don't want my daughters to get around that shit. All that stuff. I mean, mushrooms even, to a point. Like, I've had friends.

I'm sure I've said this a million times but I've done mushrooms and I've always had great experiences except at night when I see the shadow people but I've never I probably won't do them again as an adult because I think I've done all the exploring I want to do like I tried to do them one night we were doing a Jameson tour

it was me and a bunch of comics and we had mushrooms and I think we each took like a couple caps. And then I went on stage. I think I told you this. Then I fucking lost my shit on stage. But then I started freaking out. You were on mushrooms on stage? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dallas Improv. And all I could see was the candles in the back going. And I'm like, oh, fuck. And then I started thinking, I can't get off the grid. Like, I am responsible for people right now. Like, I am the fucking, and I'm not the kind of brain that can just dip into it and dip out of it. Like, I'm responsible for humans. Like, what if I fucked up?

What if I fucked up tonight? And then I just was, I was cool. I fucking turned it around and it was fine. And I had a great night. But, and that's not the horror story, but. Well, that's a the horror story but well that's a real moment you know that that thought as a father that's that's where things get really strange you know you think of these little helpless children that are looking out for you

you know the only one is not for me to see have a fun party night at a piano bar somewhere in dallas but for me to like just read me a book that's all we want you know and you just, and then that grounds you and you're like, all right, that's where I'm at right now in life. I just need to get through tonight, drink myself out of this and fucking get to the other side. Yeah. Drink myself out of this. I've done that so many times.

That's the move. I'll do that in Amsterdam in a couple of weeks. Just drink yourself into darkness. Drink, fucking yeah. Black yourself out. Fucking worship. Fighters on the stone. Now, how much do you say, what would you say your percentage of alcohol intake is

Versus marijuana intake That's a big gap Way way way more weed Like give me a percentage Do you drink everyday? No Like what dinner, do you have a glass of wine or anything? I sometimes do but not everyday

I find myself not I've been drinking a lot more lately but it it's been like, no, I'll have wine with dinner. Or I'll have a drink, but not drinking all night long. Right, right, right. Well, that's certainly not good for you. But they've done studies that have said, whether or not this is true, they've said that having a couple glasses of wine a day is actually good for you. Yeah.

I've heard drinking beer every day or drinking a glass of whiskey. Really? That's good for you, yeah. Well, I would think, you know, what it would do for you as far as relaxing you. And I think, you know what's good? It's good to enjoy your time. It's obviously not good to take a poison into your body. But if that poison, that alcohol poison, you know, if it's easily processed, which alcohol

basically is, you know, especially like one beer for the average liver, it's no big deal. So why did you look at me when you said the average liver you too, I want to look at both of you it's just accidental it's not much work for it one beer can be processed pretty easily but when you start getting into high numbers and then it gets toxic

and then you're dealing with you're poisoning your fucking body when you wake up from a hangover that's not an accident you're hurt although it feels like it sometimes you're like i didn't mean for that to happen you hurt yourself with the booze but you can have a little and not not do that that doesn't have to happen just gotta know what the fuck your limits are man drink a lot of water too that's the someone told me they were like you should put ice in your beer i do you

used to do a beer water beer water or drink water or drink, water, drink, water, drink. That was what I had to do when I'd go out. Respect the fuck out of someone who can hold their booze. Oh, thank you. I can hold my booze. You can hold your booze. We calculated the last time you were here. You drank nine beers over the course of two hours.

That was nothing. Here's the problem. Here's where it gets tricky is um i also you can't ever tell if i'm drunk like no one can tell if i'm drunk like maybe you can that's great but like my wife will be in the middle of a fight and all of a sudden she'll be like hold on are you fucking drunk and i'll be like yeah she'll be like you've been fucking drunk this doesn't know you don't mean any of this and i'm like well you're still retribution whatever that's what beards are for i think it just confuses people when they look at you they're just they just see beards and stuff so they don't think you're drunk but look at you they go what's that lesbian doing with a beard

that's the confusing part on the flip side though people also think i'm drunk when i'm not oh right like what like when i'm when i'm on stage whenever i'm on'm on stage, I'll bring a beer on stage with me, you know? And I'll be like, first beer of the night. And everyone's like, whatever. Right. I was like, no, okay, I guess. I guess maybe it's just being fat. And they're like, he's been drunk all day.

Well, they think you're just telling a joke, too. You know? Instead of a declaration, which isn't funny. If you had 30 already, then it would be kind of cute. First beer of the night. Yeah, I never come off drunk. People always think I'm high. Always.

Yeah, like UFC. Dude, Rogan's blazed tonight. No, never. Never do the UFC high. Ever. How was the UFC in Houston? Crazy. Fucking awesome. What? Some serious fights, man. Frankie Edgar and Gray Maynard. Did you see it? No. No, but I tweeted did you see it? No.

No, but I tweeted that you said it was going to be fucking sick. It was the nuttiest rematch ever. The first fight, Gray Maynard won the first fight by decision, but the second fight was a draw, and it was a crazy draw because Gray Maynard had Frankie Edgar badly, badly hurt in the first round. And Gray Maynard's a big guy. Frankie Edgar is one of the rare guys that fights at his weight class, so he is 155 pounds. That's really what he weighs.

And he's fighting Gray Maynard, who's a really thick guy. He probably is 20 pounds heavier than that and diets down, you know, cuts his weight and cuts his water weight and everything. But he's like, like yoked. He's way bigger. He looks like he's a dangerous dude and he's a power puncher. And he hurt Frankie Edgar really bad in the first round of their second fight. Like really bad. Knocked him down like three times. Looked like the fight was over on several occasions. But somehow or another,

Frankie Edgar rebounded. Then he came back and won the second round. It was chaos. And then they battled back and forth to the bitter end and then it wound up being a draw. Well, this is the third fight. First round, Gray Maynard hurts Frankie Edgar again. Bad! Rocks him with an uppercut. It looks like he's on the verge of getting stopped. Gray Maynard hurts Frankie Edgar again. Bad. Rocks him with an uppercut.

It looks like he's on the verge of getting stopped. Gray Maynard's pressing forward, just blasting him. He catches him a couple times. Has him badly, badly hurt. When he gets back to his corner the second round, you're like, man, this kid might be fucked. Second round, he goes up and just boxes and moves, boxes and moves.

Third round, same thing. Boxes and moves, boxes. And then by the third or fourth round, Gray Maynard starts getting desperate. He's like, I can't hit this fucking kid again. He's charging after him. They get at it in the fourth round and Frankie Edgar catches him with a punch and rocks him and then puts him away. It was chaos.

Never have I seen a guy get hurt that bad in the first round and then come back to knock the guy out like that in the fourth round. The fact that he did it in two fights and he came back from just devastating first rounds. Those first rounds take a lot. You get beaten up like that. It takes so much out of you.

And this motherfucker is so tough that he just gutted it out. Got through that second round. Kept moving. Got through the third round. Then put it on him in the fourth. It was fucking crazy. Just a wild fight. I mean, the whole place erupted.

People were standing on their feet. It was just a crazy, crazy fight. I never find myself being able to relax watching MMA. It's hard. I mean, you can't. Why would you? That's part of the fun. And I'm sweating all of a sudden.

Yeah, it's not relaxing, man. It's an active viewing sport. But it's addictive as shit. Oh, yeah. It's fucking... When you find yourself, it's, when you,

like, okay, this is a bad analogy, but when I was a kid, if I watched people kiss on TV, I would start air kissing, like, my dad.

Really? Yeah, my dad would be like, what the fuck are you doing? Would you think about the one day when someday you're going to be able to kiss somebody? Yeah,

but you did too, right? You did too. I'm sure I did. Yeah, I totally did. I used my hand. Everything stupid that could have been done, I did. But when I watch MMA, I find myself going like,

like twisting and turning my body. Avoiding stuff? Yeah. Sometimes I do that. Like if a guy's not tapping, if a guy's got something and someone's got an arm bar or something, I'm like, I'll hold my arm. I'll grab my own arm.

Like, tap, tap. Come on, dude on dude tap like i've said it before when guys don't tap i'm like come on man tap just tap i want you to tap yeah i don't want anybody to break their goddamn arm i don't want to see that fucking bull photo you fucking posted without any fucking warning joe i did what i posted is it's a lesson that you all know But some of us need to learn first hand You fuck with the bull you get the horns A guy in Spain a bullfighter got a gore He got a horn through his face Where it came out his eyeball

It's a new one The photo is just fucking amazing I was laying in bed like Alright I can go to sleep Wait I'm just going to click on this little link Joe just posted Then I had to go outside and have a cigarette and think about eyeballs for like 10 minutes. Yeah.

Homie lost his eye. The horn went through his entire face. It's fucking incredible, man. That's the problem with animals, man. You can't fucking tell them to slow down. Well, it's a bull. They're fighting bulls. It's the dumbest fucking thing ever. You don't tell me I got mauled by a bull. You did? Of course. Yeah, I got mauled by a bull. You did? Of course.

Yeah, I got mauled by a bull. Of course. Of course I did. I'm on a travel network. What do you think? What happened? No, I got... It's online.

It's online? Yeah, it's online. On Bird the Conqueror you did this? No, on Hurt Bert. Hurt Bert. What was Hurt Bert? Hurt Bert. I love you.

The Hurt Bert was a show I had before Burt the Conqueror. It was where I take dangerous men's jobs for a day. Yeah, that's where you did the MMA. Remember I fought the MMA? I fought the Gracies. Oh, that's right. I thought that was from Burt the Conqueror for some reason. No, no, no.

That's from Hurt Burt. And one of the days they called me and they're like, hey, you want to be a rodeo clown? And I was like, not really. And they're like, come on, we're going to Texas. It'll be a great fucking trip. And then I go thinking I'll learn something, and they just tell me, show me how to put the makeup on. And that's it.

And then they just put me in the ring, and they pull a fucking bull loose. You can see it. You can see it so quick. If you type into YouTube Hurt Bert Rodeo Clown, it shows up. And you just see my ribs get broken. I break my foot. And then they go, whatever they said, they go, don't go to the wall. And then automatically I went right to the fucking wall.

I was like, how do I get out of here with broken ribs? That's awful. It's so crazy how crazy your life is, really. Like you're no joke. And your documentary, is it going to go through all this? The documentary starts this weekend. Yeah. Starts this weekend in Tempe, or Phoenix, at Stand Up Live.

This is a documentary that you funded with Kickstart, right? Funded with kickstarter.com, mainly through this podcast. Wow. That's awesome. Every listener that I guarantee, every listener, if you are listening, thank you so much for your support. I texted you, I think, the other day. Everyone's international, and I know that I've never been international. So it's through this podcast.

That's awesome. That's sweet. And your shirts are on their way. I i got shirts i've been wearing them to the listeners your shirt his poor wife is sitting there at the post office with boxes and boxes of shirts and it takes she said it takes one minute per shirt and she has 3 000 shirts so she's sitting at the post office fucking forever and she had just has to give up after a few hours because she just can't stand anymore with her poor feet. And so then I'm thinking, this is why the post office is going out of business

because she can't even spend money fast enough by shipping shit without it taking a fucking minute a shirt. It takes forever. And I told her, I was like, I'll do it. She's like, no. How else could it take any shorter? A minute seems pretty reasonable. You know what you should be able to do? Put a name on it. You should be able to drop.

Put a box on it and then send it across the country. Yeah, but you should be able to drop off all her packages that are already with the address and stuff. Drop it off and come back in two days and then we'll give you the bill for it. I think Brian, the minute is probably filling out the addresses. That's probably what it is. No, no, no. They're already filled out and everything. It's all about putting a stamp on it.

It takes forever to weigh it. It takes a minute to putting a stamp on it. It takes forever to weigh it. It takes a minute to put a stamp on it. I don't know. I don't listen to her. It still seems pretty reasonable. Brian listens to my wife a lot more than I do. It sucks that she's got a high volume of things she's sending, but imagine if it wasn't for fucking UPS or something like that. God, the world would suck.

Well, she's probably going through to save money. She's probably going through the U.S. postal system as opposed to going to FedEx or UPS where it would take a lot of time. All I'm saying is the post office, look out. You're about to go out of business very, very soon. Brian, that sounds like a threat. Don't you think?

I think that's terrorist. Don't you think that is? I think because of the Patriot Act, they could probably arrest you now. They probably could. But do you see that happening? I mean, all my bills now are through my email. Even when I go to the fucking bank,

it sends my receipt to my email. No, but I heard you guys talking about that when I was in the bathroom putting my Rogaine on, and I thought to myself, yeah, but how else are we going to get the shirts there? We need the postal system. Of course. Like UPS. I can't just email them to them.

No, it's going to be private third parties that have more sense. Like, hey, no, you just drop off all your shit, and that's all you have to do. Yeah, UPS is so much infinitely better than the post office. A million times better. I never go to the post office. It totally makes sense, though, if it saves you money. Yeah, it should be like that. That's unfortunate. Need totally makes sense, though, if it saves you money. Yeah. It should be like that.

That's unfortunate. Needless to say, the shirts are being shipped. How many shirts do you have that are being sent out? The biggest problem was because everyone, the second you wore one on the podcast, everyone blew up. They're like, I want to fucking make a shirt. It's a dope shirt, dude. It is a cool shirt. I've had people comment on it a bunch of times. I wore it to Texas, too.

I know. I saw that. Someone tweeted like, fuck. It's awesome. How do you have a machine shirt? I was like, well, because, come on, seriously, how the fuck are you asking that question? Monkey Todd? God bless Monkey Todd.

Now, you hung out with Monkey Todd, and there was photos posted, and you were both not wearing shirts. I had a question. Why don't you explain who Monkey Todd is to the people who don't follow you? Monkey Todd's a fan of the show. He's more your fan than mine. Yeah, he actually told Bert this whole story about his life, about getting cancer and all this shit like that. I don't know if I want to talk about that.

Oh. He might not want you to know that. Oopsie. I just triplated. He's been through some shit, and your podcast kind of absolutely helped him. I hooked him up with UFC tickets. Yeah. He sat right next to Ari.

Really? Yeah. Yeah, he's a really cool guy, really grounded. And I hung up with UFC tickets. He sat right next to Ari. Really? Yeah. He's a really cool guy. Really grounded. And I hung out with him for the night. Not in the night. We hang out and he was like, I gotta roll. He has a Death Squad cat tattooed on his arm. That's how crazy it is. He did the Nancy Grace video.

But every time you post photos you always have your shirt off. Is this something that you do when you're at a party? I wanted to explain that Nancy Grace video. You just glossed over it. Well, we talked about on the podcast before but uh but for people who just listened to this one yeah just what did he do uh he pretty much uh he he calls in shows and one of the shows he called in was tmz nancy grace was on the show and he did like uh who would you fuck mary kill uh with me sam tripley and jason tebow and. It got on the air. It got on the air, and it didn't.

The producer or director did not pull it either. They let it run. And so Monkey Todd was just continuing, just making it the most uncomfortable video ever. He was like, Sam Tripoli wants to grudge fuck you. He didn't swear. And he confused it a lot. His method is talking a lot of gibberish.

So it's like, what the fuck is he talking about? And then going, so would you fuck, marry, kill, red band, Sam Tripoli and Jason Tebow? So he did this. And what's crazy is that Nancy Grace was like the first time TMZ was like, we're going to have real guests now. We're going to start having real guests now. And that's how they screw it.

But that's how, if you're going to go live, man, if you're going to go live, that's just what you get. You're going to have baba buoys once in a while. I love them. They make me laugh. Dude, it's hilarious

when they get someone who's like a witness to something and they go deep, deep, deep into it and then they baba buoy it. And you go, oh, you motherfucker. Let me tell you something on the other side of that, though,

and we've had this a million times, is when you're trying to get interviews to get the fuck out of there, and someone's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, San Dimas football rules, fuck you, and then runs off. You're like, god damn it, I was so close to wrapping the day. Now I've got to do another human being. Oh, I had something bad happen.

I was stuck on the side of a road in Hollywood on Saturday, and I had to pee really bad, but I wasn't anywhere near a bathroom. There was a checkpoint going on and stuff like that. So I had to pee. I found a Mountain Dew bottle that I was peeing in and pouring it out my, my window. Like I had to fill it up five times because you'd be amazed how much pee

actually fits in Mountain Dew bottles. And this person walked by my car, just jogging, like being healthy. And she stepped in my pee and she just see her like looking down at the ground going, what did i just step on that story is so layered i don't know where to start with it's you know what it's like it's like a stanley kubrick movie it's not what you're seeing is not what you're saying it's all about symbolism symbolism and you know, what the P represents is Brian's common sense.

The P is Brian's common sense as he's just leaking it out of his body. Like, he can't get it out of his body quick enough. There's way too much common sense. Watching your eyes when he starts the story, and I saw your eyes go. He's mad at me. Can you tell Joe's mad at me today? He's mad at me. I'm not mad at you at all.

I just told you many times not to talk on the microphone like this because it changes the volume of the podcast. And so when I brought that up, I felt you tense up. But it's just – I'm just telling you. All right, flying dildos. Tell me about this. Okay. This is the – this is what you were talking about right before you told your Stanley Kubrick story. Can we smoke in here?

Yeah, if you want to, sure. Not that I smoke. I don't smoke weed, but I was just asking for you guys. Do you want me to? Do you want to smoke up? I'm going to wait to tell the story until you're available. Joe, someone has a one-man show. Hey, Bert, you watched the South park documentary last night also which was the

most documentary which was one of the most amazing documentaries i'm so glad they played it fucking good and one of the coolest things ever was that trey parker and matt stone were talking about tripping on acid when they had to go to the academy awards and matt stone dressed up as a woman and was trey's uh date during the thing and they played clips on it and it was so weird seeing because I had seen that interview before but now seeing Trey Parker on acid you could totally tell. Joe, it's one of the

best documentaries I've ever seen. It's literally... Here, give it back to Joe. I don't smoke. You don't smoke? No, I don't. I totally defeated myself. Alright, will you give this to Joe? I gotta fix this camera real quick. I totally defeated whatever process I'm trying to do. So anyway, the South Park documentary is fucking out of this world.

One of the best documentaries I've ever seen. I was thinking that wouldn't it be awesome if they took... I'm thinking about this documentary, but can we get to the flying dildos first because we might forget yes okay flying dildos here we go so i called joe this is what you said you go we were just talking about this and you're like yeah you've got so many crazy stories that have happened to you and and and but i never think that i think they're just things in my life i think it's my ability the way i see something happen is different than the way everyone else sees it happen. I see the little thing that registers in me, I go, oh, that's my thing.

And it lights up for me where my wife just glazes over it. And it's come to light in this podcast more than anything. The machine, I mean, I've told that story to fucking a million people. But then when I told it to you, something lit up and I went, oh, that is a good story. The fucking fighting a bear, everything, getting mauled by a bull, Tracy Morgan, everything lights up. So then I'm talking to you on the phone today. Hey, can you do the podcast?

And you go, I'm on the phone with American Airlines trying to get upgraded. You're like, where are you going? I said, Amsterdam. He said, oh, I've never been there. I said, oh, whatever you do, if you ever go there, don't go see Flying Dildos. True story, right? So I'm fucking like 22. I'm in Amsterdam with like five friends.

And of course we do the rounds in Amsterdam and get fucking lit up. Heineken Factory, hedge shops, I think even maybe mushrooms. We walk by this live sex show and it says on the billboard um guy on girl girl on girl oral sex uh this this this and then the last one is flying dildos come see flying dildos and so i'm like fucking i tell everyone we're seeing flying dildos i want to see fucking flying dildos that to me is a showstopper that is something that i will buy tickets for everyone for so i buy us all tickets we go in to see a live sex show have Have you ever seen one? No. It's basically like half a boxing ring.

So it's like you walk in and it's stadium seating and then half a boxing ring where they just, without the ropes, and they just, everything happens right there. They just fuck. They just fuck. Whoa. And are dudes beaten off in the audience? Are you allowed to wear lipstick? No, dudes aren't beaten off in the audience. They aren't? No, it is

kind of creepy now that you say that because I don't know what we were supposed to do but there was like 20 people in there but we just sat naked i guess maybe you should have and but we didn't and we ruined it for everyone um so we sit down and they're like and they come out and they're like the first is um girl on girl this is just like you'd see a porn right so right two girls come out and they're like like they go to eat and the second two girls come out I start going, flying dildos! Flying dildos! And they're like, no, we're not flying dildos. I go, oh. Now 20 guys are like, whoa, I want to see

flying dildos too. So they do their thing. They leave. A girl comes out by herself masturbation and I go, flying dildos? And she goes, no, I'm not flying dildos. I fucking, everyone that came to the stage I just yelled, flying dildos! How many people came to the stage? Fucking like nine acts Nine acts come to the stage

How long is each one doing? Five minutes Fucking masturbating And then eating each other out And then blowing a dude And then the guy fucks the girl That's like the headliner right? Like

And we get to the guy Fucking the girl And I'm like You better be fucking flying dildos And the guy's like We're not flying dildos okay? Stop with the fucking flying dildos And I'm like

I'm like Boo The whole time they're fucking. You're booing while they're fucking? Yeah, but now we got 20 dudes, and they're all on my team because we're fucking hammered. I'm like, boo, we want flying dildos, right? So then all of a sudden, I have the dude be all fucked. A lady comes out with a doctor's little briefcase, you know, the doctor's thing bag, and just walks up on stage.

I go, you better be fucking flying dildos. She goes, ladies and gentlemen, I am flying dildos. And the fucking place goes nuts. 20 dudes. It's like fucking right out of the military. Like, come on, flying dildos. She goes, I'm going to need someone from the audience. And everyone's like, fucking flying dildos.

So I'm like, fucking, I am definitely going up there. Of course you did. So I get up. I'm going to get up there. And everyone's chanting, flying dildos. Flying dildos. I'm like Fucking I am definitely going up there Of course you did So I get up I'm gonna get up there And everyone's chanting Flying dildos Flying dildos I got my hands up

And she goes Okay Okay Hands behind back And I put my hands behind my back And she handcuffs me And everyone's like Flying dildos

Like everyone's going fucking nuts She drops my pants Cuts my shirts with the scissors Throws me on the back Puts a dildo in my mouth And just fucks it And then stands up She goes That was flying dildos And she leaves me puts a dildo in my mouth, and just fucks it, and then stands up and goes, that was flying dildos, and she leaves me with a dildo

in my mouth, naked, going everyone's taking pictures right up to the, for like, I had handcuffs on, I couldn't fucking move, and just snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, and I'm just like help me, somebody help me, get the dildo out of my mouth it was a fucking nightmare

do you have a photo of this? this was right after the Russian mob thing. So there was no digital cameras. So it's real. I can tell you, if you want to get bigger... Someone out there has in a dusty shoebox a photo that they brought back. Third caller, if you can send us that photo,

you'll win two tickets to Alphabray. PJ Cusmano has that picture. I guarantee it. Because I know one of my buddies that was with us, he had one of those disposable cameras. And came right up there, right up to the stage and just snap, snap, snap, snap. PJ, if you're out there, find me on Twitter, homie. What if it was PJ Stansbury the whole time?

We'll make it worth your while. PJ from the comedy store? Hey, Joe, Joe. Yeah. That's the best PJ face I've ever seen in my life. What did you give him before the show started? I have no idea. I have no idea.

He's extra silly today. He is very silly, yeah. It's extra, Brian. Today's extra. Bad weekends. You had a bad weekend? I've had a bad 2011. I'm done with it. I want to bring on 2012 and just off myself. Seriously. had a bad 2011. I'm done with it.

I want to bring on 2012 and just off myself. Seriously. I don't think it works that way, kid. You've had a good 2011. You've had a good 2011. I've had a bad 2011. I think your 2011 is still pretty fucking good, dude. Your 2011 is a lot better than the majority.

The craziest I've ever had ever? I've never had so much crazy shit this year. It's a lot of crazy stuff I've had. Yeah, yeah, you bring that on yourself, kid. You're fine. You think? Wait, Brian, Brian. Like the secret.

20 minutes ago you were just talking about smoking Oxycontin. Yeah. Yeah. Like that's not going to make you look at 2011 in a positive light. Like 2011's a great year. That's how the future rolls in strong, dude. Oxys. Sm smoking oxys with a straw yeah come on at what point do you put the meth in the light bulb and go let's all smoke it

and see what happens i tried it twice and it's like you're that's like a drug that you could actually take it's not like fucking psycho drug it's not like crystal meth this is actually a pill that's for cancer patients or something like that it Wait a minute. It's opiates. It's heroin. It's heroin. I would very quickly jump on your side on this argument, but I'm on Joe's page 100%.

It's heroin. I've been around a lot of pills and I've never taken an oxytocin. I've tried it. Two hits of probably 100 hits that that pill gave off during the trial of the group I was with. Okay. So I took two hits of what other people were doing, two to 300 probably hits for the whole night. What?

Wait, wait, wait. Two to 300 hits? I don't know. Every time I looked at them, they were just pretty much puffing on the same pill over and over again. It was like smoking a whole bowl of weed or more. I don't think anybody can have 300 hits of Oxycontin and live. Well, all right. That was probably over-exaggerated.

Yeah, his math is that. But how crazy is that, that you're willing to smoke something, and if you smoked it 300 times in a row, it would fucking for sure kill you. 100%. You'll go one, you'll go two. But if you got in 30, 31, 32, and then you got into 50. I pretty much have pretty good self-control, though. I know, but what I'm saying is what you're doing is if you took two hits

and you just kept going and really did what you said people did, 300, you'd be dead. Yeah. That's crazy, though. You're willing to take even two of those. You're willing to step two steps on the way to death. Two steps on the way to a 300-step way to death. You drink alcohol?

Yeah, sure. Same thing. I'm not claiming that I'm above it. I'm just saying it's a fascinating thing. Alcohol kills way more people than fucking... No, no, no, no, no, no. That's because more people are taking alcohol. It's because more people are drinking it.

So it's like Alaska is what you're saying. You could drink alcohol and be fine. Alcohol, yeah. Alcohol doesn't kill more people than Oxycontin. Okay? I think Oxycontin... I think Oxycontin. Well, don't get wrong. It kills a lot of people.

I think alcohol probably more. I'll tell you. There's 300 million people in this country. Roughly around 80,000 to 100,000 people die every year from alcohol poisoning, from alcohol-induced death, from overdosing in alcohol. And then there's more that die from drunk driving. That's well over 100, more that die from drunk driving that's that's well over a hundred thousand that die from drunk driving so that's that's what you could attribute

the alcohol deaths really you can only attribute the the poisonings though the you know the rest of it is just doing things that you can't control while you're drunk which is you know it still is death but it's not you know it's not like an ld50 rate yeah so it's like how many drinks would you have to have before you died probably Probably not that many, man. Probably even less than oxy. I mean, we said 300 oxys would kill you. 300 hits of oxy would kill you. That was over-exaggerating.

I'd probably say they did like whatever a bowl of really – a big, huge bowl of wheat. Because, I mean, they were there for like maybe an hour. Okay, my point was how many shots can you drink? You can't even drink 20 shots. No, you die. You might be dead at 20. You might be dead at –. No, you die. You might be dead at 20. You might be dead at, if you get to 30, you might be dead at 30. That's pretty goddamn close.

That's a lot closer than 300. Sometimes you go five, six deep in a night. So you're a quarter way to dead. Yeah. Doggy. Are we talking about me right now? Yeah, we're talking about you right now. We're talking about human beings.

Open up the door. I'm joking. No, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah they're definitely not here's the thing that's more dangerous about alcohol than any of that is i have a buddy who goes to chicago has a few bottles of wine take some allergy medicine or whatever in the middle of the night wakes up past like drunk stumbling smashes through a fucking plate glass uh coffee table oh my god fucking destroys his face two kids oh no just having some wine. Fucking, I mean, he was taking allergy

or cold flu medicine or whatever. you know, but he's a grown up. A lot of people have that old school grown up mentality with it. I'm a fucking grown up.

I can take care of myself. I know I've done it a million times. And you go, ah, fuck it. I'm good. I'm in a hotel room.

I'm downstairs. I get in the elevator, go upstairs. What's the worst that can happen? My buddy falls to a play class fucking thing. Doesn't even know what he did. Just wakes up in the middle, go upstairs What's the worst that can happen? My buddy falls to a plate glass fucking thing Doesn't even know what he did, just wakes up in the middle of the night Face bloody, calls his wife

And she's like, I get you a first class ticket home And we'll have a doctor look at you tomorrow morning Like That's the thing that scares me about alcohol Not the DUI, not the fucking Liver shit, it's the fucking immediate You know That's what terrifies me.

Accidents, shit like that. Just the dumb accidents. Like you're drunk and you're naked and you're like, I'm going to clip my toenails on a fucking... Yeah. I fall in the showers three times. Have you really? Yeah. You could get fucked up in a shower, man.

Showers should be made out of rubber. That just happened to me the other day. I fell and I grabbed myself right at the last second. But I have a glass shower thing, door. And it was really like I was looking and going, this would have ended really bad. That's why I only use curtains. Worst that happens when you fucking fall in the shower with a curtain, you hear... And then you're fucking on the ground.

That's a good point. That's scary as fuck, dude. Fucking terrifying. Falling in the shower, you can really... People die like that every year. I wonder what the numbers of that are they're probably like pretty high i bet it's a thousand people a year i mean it's more than than whatever that drug was you know 150 people die a year because coconuts fall on their head that you know what though i started looking at the eyes we had a we had a palm tree leaning over our house and i started

looking at palm tree fatalities it's up there man like those limbs fall off hit you on the head the trees aren't except for climbing it maybe two I'll put those in there too I don't care but those things aren't deeply rooted so they fall over sometimes really they're very bendable

because they're full of water but there aren't deeply rooted trees so they can fucking fall on houses easy. So they just, you know, you could be walking by and it'll just land on you. Oh, a palm tree frond? Yeah, we have a dude coming to our house on Wednesday to get all our palm tree fronds out. And we got clean palm trees for like $75 each tree. We've got to give you up on that shit.

Do guys that cut those things off your trees for you, are they usually typically gay people? Like, is that a gay job to do? No. What, tree cutters? No, no, that only specialize in palm. What did you say? Palm trees. Brian.

Wait. Take a break. No, he's Mexican. He just came out, and he's like, I got an email saying he needed to survey the area. And then he came out and he clearly didn't speak any English. And he's like, 70.

70. So he's telling you 70 bucks? I get this real fucking complex email about him saying he needs to come out, survey the area, take a look, get an appraisal. After I get it and he gets an appraisal, come back to me. And he just comes out and he goes, 70, 70, 75, 75, 75.

I go, a tree? And he goes, sure. I go, perfect. And then he left. Didn't say any more than that. But yeah, that's the guy. Mexican guy. So he climbs up and makes sure those things don't drop on your head and kill you. Climbs up, he's cutting them all out tomorrow or Wednesday. Yeah, they're pretty fucking heavy, man. Dude, they're fucking monsters.

You ever just tugged on one? The wet ones, yeah. And easily could kill you. Easily could kill a child in a heartbeat. Yeah, that's why you've got to get that shit taken care of. We have one that hadn't been cut in probably eight years in our front yard. It was our neighbor's. And our neighbor was like, and I was like, I've got kids.

Are we playing in the front yard? Dogs? We can't have that shit falling down. How weird is that? You have to worry about palm fronds. Fucking yeah. I don't have to worry about that. Like of all this shit that was going to kill me, that?

Yeah. I thought it was going to be a plane flight. You keep talking about plane flights. Do you really freak out about plane flights? I'm fucking terrified. Do you think in any way, shape, or form that all this fear and worrying about things puts a certain amount of energy out there that attracts negative things to you i do but i feel like that i feel like ignoring it

puts out a taunting energy hmm taunting like you're saying i'm not scared of you bitch like when i go when i go you know what fuck it i'm not scared of flying anymore that's when god goes ah fucking see my wrath so you have like the cath Catholic version of God where he has to fear you. Where God doesn't like me. Excuse me, where you have to fear him, rather. Yeah, where you tell him your secret, and he's like, whoa, whoa. Yeah, he's like, whoa, whoa, who the fuck do you think you're talking to? I'm talking to God right now.

You want to talk about some gay shit, you talk to St. Jude. That's who you talk to. You don't talk to me about that shit. So you think that by not thinking about the plane crash, by getting healthy about it, then it would be like you weren't respecting it. Exactly. A hundred percent. Wow.

Yep. What a crazy way to look at things. I have rituals I do before I fly. I wash every part of my body, get on my hands and knees and say a prayer in the shower. Really? Fuck yeah. Cause I did it once and I flew. Can you not get by me?

Is that what's going on? I thought we fixed this. Yeah. Scoot out a little bit. Here. We fixed this so he could sneak by me I think he got bigger Oh my Just FYI

My web guy put up something about the shirts The machine shirts On burpburpburp.com They're taking pre-orders now We finally got the fucking licensing of the image It was a fucking nightmare Licensing of your own image was a nightmare? Yeah, because I didn't create it

Same thing happened with my DVD My DVD has a shirt with a carrot on it And it says hello It's a joke I have about If you're going to put a vegetable in a girl's ass Don't use a cucumber It's like a home invasion Use a carrot

That's more like a hello And we couldn't get the licensing to the image The guy wouldn't give it to us He goes no I did it for the DVD If you want it Give me like 20 grand And I was like

Whoa I was like alright I guess I won't ever sell this DVD And there's just an artist That did this Yeah an artist But an artist that worked for Whatever the company

That distributed the DVD Wow So he didn't need it He said he was going to box you out Yeah he was like fuck it You want it Give me like I think his offer was like 10 grand

I was like I don't have 10 grand man And he goes well you made you know that you can make that do it selling the shirts yeah that's ridiculous so then but but here's what happens is so the guy we did the documentary he made the shirt the machine shirt and he did it as a favor to his friends that were doing the documentary so they were made specifically for the documentary right and then this is the documentary that you're about to shoot yeah and then and then my wife's like hey can we sell those on the road and and the two film guys are like fuck yeah you know definitely we'll fulfill our documentaries those will be special shirts are not going to be all offered that shirt isn't going to be offered you know in the other color scheme but yeah totally sell it and so we went okay and then the guy said yeah make it the color scheme

do whatever the one you can sell them and then the artist we had to come back to the artist and the artist was like no i was like why not he's like because they're made for this documentary i did it for friends i didn't do it for you to go out make a fucking fortune on it and so then we had to kind of negotiate to the guy and say listen you know i'm not you know it was a long process very long process for everyone that's you like a hippie man yeah i just want you making any money, man. He's just like, yeah. I did this for free, man. I did this for my friends. You're not my friend.

Oh, other people want it? Nah. Then it won't be underground, man. And then he's like, you know, so anyway, so we got him finally to say, if you want to sell it on your site, or on what you call it, you can do it. And, you know, negotiation shit. And so we just put it on burpburpburp.com

that you can order them, pre-order them. I mean, I think that all the fulfillments have to go out first and they're gone. They're already out. But if you want to go to burpburpburp.com, you'll find in the store, you'll find the machine shirt and now you can fucking stop emailing me about where to get them and when to get them. They're on there. How many emails are you getting about those?

Fucking non-stop. The day you warriors on the podcast, fucking a million. People going like, hey man, I want to donate to the documentary now. I didn't know

what the shirt looked like. I was like, are you fucking serious? So the documentary, the shirt is what got them to want to do it? The shirt, yeah. That's brilliant marketing.

The shirt, man. But we would have never got the shirt made if we hadn't done the documentary. I know, but isn't that funny that that works that way that someone sees a shirt it's a dope shirt like this documentary is gonna fucking rule yeah it's because they see the shirt but it's you it's you it's i mean like don't don't like undersell it you're the first one but you're being a regular human being when you say this you go you gotta get me

one asap like i want to wear it on fear factor i want to wear it on the podcast and so i so we rush it we get it a couple sent to you a a couple sent to other people that are important to us. And you wear it, and it fucking blows up. Like, literally blows up. Well, it's nice that I can do that, but it's pretty easy. All I have to do is wear a shirt. I hardly feel like I did anything.

You just made a badass shirt. You don't have a chance to wear it. Thank you. So if you want to get them, go to BertBertBert.com. BertBertBert.com. With ease. Powerful Bert Kreischer. So what else?

What else going on? I don't know. What the fuck's Brian doing? Just making video. How sad are you about Steve Jobs? It hit me pretty harder. Harder than... He just went right into gay life.

Harder than... No, but like when anyone dies like when like uh farley died i was affected i was like wow you know i've really enjoyed watching chris farley that was kind of like i was connected to him even though i didn't know him uh steve jobs kind of same way like i i it affected me in a weird level uh and i wasn't sad or i didn't cry or anything but i it's pretty amazing looking back at like the videos of him giving speeches and stuff like that. Well, Steve Jobs was a bad motherfucker. But like all bad motherfuckers, he was flawed.

And he was a ruthless dude and did a lot of what a lot of people would say is questionable shit. Really? Like what? First of all, they had fucking slave labor that were making their iPhones. I mean, Chinese factories, Foxconn factories, they had fucking slave labor that were making their iPhones. Chinese factories, Foxconn factories, they have to have nets all around the factories to keep people from jumping off the roof. There's a lot of weird karma involved

and stuff like that. I'm a total hypocrite because I have an iPhone. I'm not boycotting these companies that use this kind of labor, but it was pretty public. They have nets around these places to keep people from jumping off the roofs. That's fucking insane.

That is karma that comes back. They work 15 hours a day, and they sleep on cots. And it's fucking gross, man. It's gross and it's scary that people can be forced to live like that just to survive in 2011. Do you think he knew that? He for sure knew it. He was aware of every single aspect of every

day-to-day operation at Apple. He was an incredible CEO. He was a guy who was completely dedicated and in love with every facet of his company. He was just a bad motherfucker. He had to have known where they were being made. If I know where the fucking phones are being made, he knows

where the phones are being made. I mean, it's ridiculous. It's ridiculous to think he didn't. No, no, I know. But you know how they fucking claim that they... I didn't know there was child labor. Like, I didn't know that. I don't know.

You think they knew it? Yeah. He's also incredibly ambitious. And the reason why the company became so good is because he was so ruthless and incredibly ambitious. And because of that, you know, he was a tough guy to work for for some people some some people will tell stories about him yelling and screaming at people and calling them names but that's because he wanted so much of himself and the reason why he was such a bad motherfucker is he had these incredibly high standards so then to have all these other people

working under him and some of them who he didn't feel like met his vibration met his frequency he would be upset you know at least as far as everything I've ever read about him. It just seems like another tortured, brilliant person who had an incredible gift of vision for this computer company. Like I said, all bad motherfuckers are flawed. You can't get to be amazing at something. Remember when Clinton got busted pulling his dick out and we were all like, ugh. There was a part of us that was like it was a breath of fresh air.

There was a part of Clinton getting caught getting his dick sucked in the White House. It was like, okay. No one's got it all together. No one does. Not even the fucking president. No, wait. Do you believe? How about this?

What about this theory? I was just saying this to Brian today on the car ride. What about this? What about this theory? I was just saying this to Brian today on the car ride. What if the flaw shows up when you get there as opposed to it was always there? Do you think there's an inherent flaw that shows up with guys like Steve Jobs when you become Steve Jobs and you walk into a room and everything you say is gold? Well, it's not really a flaw. I mean, look, it's just a quality. a quality and his the quality of steve jobs was that he was just his vision was much clearer his his will was much stronger his his ideas carried more weight he just knew how to put it all together and do it he had a pure vision of what he wanted the company to be like it's not there's not that's not a bad thing you know those these this the obsession is just how he chose to live his life

he chose to live his life. He chose to live his life in this obsession for excellence. In the end, we're all temporary, man. In the end, we just cease to exist. We're here for a short period of time, and then we're gone. If you want to live it like that, man, you want to burn that candle at both ends and make a big

explosion when it reaches the middle, why fucking not? What is the difference? Is it better to die slowly? I don't understand. I don't know. I don't understand. I think a guy like that that comes along and makes this big, incredible explosion

is a pretty fascinating individual. But I think it's important to look at him as honestly as possible. Like anybody who dies. It's funny, I've never heard nothing but absolutely like, he's a god, he changed everything. And to hear that perspective, I never heard it that way. I never saw it that way

at least. This comes from a fan. I don't take you as, I think you're being more objective. It was like I talked to my dad about the Wall Street occupation today, and I was wondering where his perspective was going to come. And my dad's like, in the sense that he's, there are things I'll say to you sometimes when I'll go, oh, I think Joe will believe this. And then I say it to you and you go, what the, are you fucking retarded?

And then I go, what? But my dad's the same way. My dad's a regular dude who, by the way, should be on fucking Alpha Brains. Really? Yeah. And my dad wants to do Alpha Brains so bad, he's like, please send me some and I will document it. My dad said that to me. Oh, my dad fucking asked about Alpha Brains and was like...

Why don't you send it to him, Brian? I don't even have Alpha Brain. I ran out like two days ago. I'll get you some, dude. But we were talking about the Wall Street occupation. And I was like, I don't know where to fucking... I like Jamie Kilstein and I know he's at the head of the New York one. Occupy Wall Street? Yeah. Occupy Wall Street?

Yeah, Occupy Wall Street. I think it's a great idea to scare the fuck out of those corrupt cunts. What's going to happen? I think 90% of the people are just there for a party. They're just there for a big protest. I know somebody, Neil Brennan, I think, just did a stand-up comedy for Occupy LA. And I'm like, now they're having comedy shows. This is pretty sweet. This could be like the next

you know... Let's try it. I wonder, man, look, this could be how it starts. You know, we're joking around about this now like it's no big deal, but look, essentially, what keeps a country together? A government. And essentially, the internet has exposed the fact that our government is absolutely

corrupt and absolutely incompetent in almost every single way. And not just corrupt, but corrupt to the point where they're starting wars for no fucking reason for profit. And that's pretty well been established. And if that's been established, then there is no government. We just got a bunch of corrupt cunt criminals that are running the fucking people into the ground.

Yeah. And they have this fake system, this fake monetary economic system that's fucking built on unfixable bullshit. Just a porous, fibrous, there's no fixing it. It's impossible to shore it all up. You would have to completely start from scratch with a whole new thing and dissolve all the money, which is fucking never going to happen. And a lot of people get mad when I start talking about economic things. They go, Joe Rogan, you know nothing about economics. And you know what?

You're absolutely right. I don't know nothing about economics. But I do know bullshit. I know bullshit. What a miscellaneous question. It has, I've been, how I've been, it's been explained to me, the economy. I know it's bullshit.

You know it's bullshit too. It's not even based on gold. It's based on fucking confidence. And it's run by cunts. And if that's the case, what is going to happen eventually? Well, fuck, man. This shit might fall apart. It really might fall apart.

What we're enjoying right now, this calm and chaos, is us being taken care of by our overlords. Us being taken care of in our slave quarters. And we're dealing with it. But when we ask to be free, man, we better be ready. We better be ready for whatever the fuck that means. We're not ready. Not even close, man. What if Wall Street just walked out and occupied Wall Street and they're like, fine, you guys

take over. They'd be like, hold on, where's the lighter? How is anybody ever going to figure out what money is again? I mean, obviously they could never walk away, but how is anybody going to re-figure? In our lifetime, it would take so many lifetimes. It's never going to Re-fix, in our lifetime It would take so many lifetimes

I think, I mean I would imagine And people who are rich right now are never going to accept it And people who owe people money are never going to accept That that person owes money and now they don't anymore Fuck you man, I gave you that money You never paid me back you douchebag Now once we figure out a new system of government You better give me my money back

There will be like old debts that people are going to want to bring into play. But I understand what they're saying in the sense that we tried to apply for a home loan this year and it was a fucking nightmare. Getting a home loan, they have this money. They can give this money and they choose not to for ridiculous reasons.

And so, but fucking I understand and a lot of it I do believe that is is the small businessman that keeps America afloat. It's not the corporations. Well, you know, corporations don't hurt as long as they pay a good wage and they have union labor and they take care of everybody. I don't mind the corporations, obviously. People start going on about, you know, unions want too much money and that's why corporations have to go down to Mexico and they force these jobs overseas. Is that really the only fucking solution?

Is it really the only solution to get people to work for slave labor? That's the only solution to get people to work for some ridiculous wage that you would never... That doesn't make any sense to me. We always manufacture things. We've got to figure out a way to manufacture things here. Does that mean that they cost more money? Maybe. I don't know.

I don't know, but figure it out out don't use fucking slave labor man you know i mean i'm such a hypocrite because i do have an iphone and i do know about this chinese company that makes iphones but you know really at the end of the day man you're attached to that in one way in some form you're connected all the way back you know to these people wanting to jump off a roof to make your fucking cell phone is there a way to make your fucking cell phone. Is there a way to make cell phones in America, Brian? You would know this. Can they do that? Can they just start making iPhones in America? Yeah, it'd just be more

expensive. It'd just be more expensive. It'd be like fucking $20,000. Yeah, I mean, these people are getting paid nothing. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before this company was there, they were probably laying on the ground shivering with snakes coming out of their asshole. Who knows?

Okay, so what you're saying is the countries were all fucked up before these people got there. Yeah, before, yeah. Well, you got a good point there. But with these South American countries especially, these poor fucks, they're tearing down their rainforest and putting oil fields out there and ruining their land. We went in with our clothes and all our shit, all that western shit, and dumped it on them and said, this is the way it's going to be. You don't expect to see a guy in Peru wearing

slacks and a collared shirt and a fucking tie, but we said, do that shit. We cut your rainforest down. We're ready. Join the team. And then we're like, oh, by the way, it's a Nicola Day, and you've got to live in a cage. Is it even possible that we could come up with

really efficient robots that do most of the work and have the phones and all these fucking things made in America and pay people an honest wage? And instead of a phone raking in $800, making... If they have a phone that they sell for

$800, what is the profit for them, you think? What is the profit for Apple? 70%. 70%, you think, along with manufacturing and all that shit? You think it's that high? I think it's pretty high. Okay. Well, we're totally speculating, right?

And I'm too lazy to Google this. So let's just, for the sake of this argument, just pretend it's 70%. Let's go with what you say. So they make a 70% profit. I'm inclined to think it's not that high. Because I'm inclined to think that with production costs and then with advertising, Apple spends a lot of money on... Yeah, but an iPhone right now, they sell retail

price. The new iPhone 4S, I think it's $899 for the cheapest version without a contract. It was either $799 or $899.99 yeah it's somewhere around it's 400 for a new upgrade i know that my wife just looked at today but if you want to buy one flat out yeah well well you know and then you gotta well either way okay so it's either 70 you think an iphone really costs that fucking much no you know that shit screen is so cheap they have

fucking screens they have what a 20 indian uh laptop right now or an ipad that just was released it's like 36 i think it was to buy no no no no i know what you're talking about those are for children to learn the alphabet yeah but the screen size is way bigger than the iphone what i'm saying is the parts they've mass manufactured they're they're definitely using these this cheap labor and stuff like that i bet it is something like a 70% profit nowadays. But I will say, but I'm going to just jump in for two seconds. $800, really? But I'm not going to justify $800,

but I'm not talking about the dudes who had paid to make this. My money's not going to those 20 Asian dudes that put the phone together. My money's going to the guy that made it, the guy that fucking said, this is how we do it. You can't pay that guy $5 an hour because he won't do it. You need that $800 offset of 70%

profit where Steve Jobs has got to pay the guy. Yeah, but then look. Steve Jobs, at the end of the day, has $7 billion in the bank and his body fails on him. Yeah, but think of all the fucking... You can only buy AIDS, Joe. You can only buy AIDS. Think of all the companies that did not exist. Like the Macintosh...

Or the Mitsubishi hand gel. You know, like the one... All the phones that you've seen that you didn't buy, right? They were just fucking keeping their heads above water. Steve Jobs just happened to come up with the sexiest one that all of us, despite sometimes our moral beliefs, went, I fucking want the phone. Like, in a weird way. I beliefs, went, I fucking want the phone.

In a weird way. I never thought about anything other than wanting the phone until I found out about the factories. But even still, after the factories, did you switch over to whatever the Google one they make? I tried it, but it was terrible. So, so, so, that's my point. That's my point. Google ones probably made the same way. No, no, they make them in other countries. They make them in Mexico.

I'm not saying, yeah, but my my point is it's not that he deserves his seven billion but the point is he did do a magic trick that got us all to fucking even despite knowing what we know about how they're made we went i still fucking want the phone here's the question it would it be possible to do the exact same thing but do it in america and instead of him making seven billion dollars he makes four $4 billion. Is that possible? That you could have done it exactly the same way and everybody makes a shitload of money, but you spread it around more.

Is that possible? It is possible for Steve Jobs to do it, but it's not possible for the guy that did the Google phone. Because the guy that did the Google phone would not only be broke, but everyone would be fucking broke. So you're saying once something's out there on the market...

He's hedging his bets. The guy that made the Google phone probably just made a nice living. Didn't make the $7 billion. First of all, it's Google. They have their own phone operating system. It's not like a guy. I know, but I'm

trying to broad stroke it uh whatever the other fucking phones are out there the smartphones so you're saying they can't make them in america they couldn't make them at a more reasonable profit in america uh if they did if they had and they said okay well instead of best case scenario instead of us being a mass hit like the iPhone and we all walk away with $7 billion, we're only going to walk away with $5 million each, right? Well, when it's just average the way it was, they would have all lost their asses. They would have all, like the deficit we're looking at there is totally different. In my opinion, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, Joe. I'm pretty fucked up right now.

Okay. But I'm just saying. Okay, because you're losing me. No, I'm saying i'm just saying you're losing me no i'm saying i see what you're saying but i i i don't think that they're it's a losing venture making droid phones especially these really badass ones they make like you know the htc evos and the droid bionics the motorola bionic whatever i don't want that shit what do you mean i don't want that i want the iphone yeah okay because i saw a dude have one on a plane one time and I went, I want that shit. So whatever that thing you did created makes me

want it that in a weird way you earn your $7 billion. Oh yeah, yeah. I mean, in a weird way. Yeah. You know, look, he created a cult. You know, the cult of Mac. Totally. I'm a user. You know, I mean, so like I said, I'm a huge hypocrite. I think they have the best operating system. I love it. It doesn't crash.

I never get viruses. I have no issues. It's a little more expensive. Yes, it is. Steve Jobs didn't die from a huge hypocrite. I think they have the best operating system. I love it. It doesn't crash. I never get viruses. I have no issues. It's a little more expensive. Yes, it is. You're right. Steve Jobs didn't die from a virus, Joe. I want you to go home and I want you to listen to this podcast. There's such a weird energy.

But I agree with what you're saying. Anyway, side note, I just think that they probably weren't set up originally to try to make $7 billion. Their best case number was like a million each. And then it just blew the fuck up. I mean, you're right. I'm a mad guy. There's a lot of stories about him doing business. He's a ruthless dude.

But once you get to that place where you're the dude that made the sexy thing that everyone wants and you're the guy that created all this fucking microcosm of belief, of cult of personality about you, you start believing what the fuck you feel and you go, fuck it, I'm indestructible. And you're right, I do believe that's karmic energy that snapped back on him from all the negative shit he put out there. Well, I'm not saying that. I don't think that's why he got sick. I think if anything,

he probably got sick because he works too much. I think when you're that type of person that can't turn it off, man, that's an incredible amount of strain in your system. You're redlining your system all day, man. When you're like type of person that can't turn it off, man, that's an incredible amount of strain in your system. You're redlining your system all day, man. When you're like a super intense, success-oriented, goal-oriented, victory-oriented sort of a guy like Steve Jobs, I mean, he wasn't just a visionary, man. He was like a cult leader.

He created a cult and didn't even ask anybody to join the cult. They just joined. They just joined it and followed it everywhere. And I would have conversations with people at work when i was on news radio this is when i realized it where they would be like super excited about apple's new announcements and they would talk to you about the new announcement here apple's new announcement yeah yeah they're working on the osx right now but it's like that now it's crazy it's like that now for real it's like harry krishna shit you know i mean think of a guy that's basically going to stand at a podium and go,

everyone, do me a favor right now. Throw away your fucking phones. And everyone's just going, I want the next thing he's got. That's what we all do. He just stood up there like, fucking take the purple lemonade or whatever. I think what it is, though, is a lot, for me, creativity. I've never in my life ever been able to take what I'm thinking in my head and put it out exactly how I want to put it out.

He created a tool. He created it out. He created a tool. He created a hammer. He created a brush. He created something completely different. And then sometimes I think people look at what he's done is create something that never existed before, which was taking what I'm thinking in my head and putting it into a format that I could show you what I'm thinking. You know, like creativity has never been done before since I've got an Apple. Using Final Cut Pro and all the programs that he's given me,

I'm now really feeling like it's a tool, like a hammer. Are you understanding this? Sort of. I can translate. He's saying it helps him create. Think of Brian Redbent. Think of Brian 10 years ago before Apple was around. Yeah, I'm drawing on napkins.

He was a dude sitting on a guy, sitting in a room with a bunch of ideas that he wanted to come out. Well, he was a PC guy when I met him. I'm using two VCRs to try to make a movie where now I'm fucking filming on an iPhone doing HD video. And arguably you are a much more successful human being today than you were when PCs were around. Your ideas happen quicker, faster, and you can get them to more people. Think of the voice, as interesting as it's been today, how many people it's gotten to just because of apples and Macs. I mean, I see what you're saying. Yeah, but I mean, we would have gotten most of it done with Windows.

I mean, I disagree. Yeah, I mean, I've used Paintbrush before and I could get my emotions out there, but it's not the same. It might not be as good, but there's a lot of people who edited videos and did a great job and they edited them on PCs. There's a lot of picture editing.

Steve Jobs created the PC, is what I'm saying. He created the PC? What are you talking about? Steve Jobs created the first PC. Yeah, but he didn't create the Windows operating system and Xerox had an operating system with a user interface. No, he created the computer to put the PC, that Windows on. Didn't Xerox already have the graphic user interface before

Apple did? I'm pretty sure they did. I'm not sure they got the idea from Xerox. Have you ever heard of a Xerox personal computer in your life? No, I haven't, but they could have existed. You know what I'm saying? And we know that Windows did, and we know that a bunch of different people make Windows computers. I think computers would exist in some form, no matter what. I think once

the technology was introduced into the world, it's just a natural chain of progression that people automatically start incorporating into their lives. And then it becomes better and better. What Apple was, was the best one. But it's not like the computer wouldn't exist if it wasn't for Apple. What Apple was, was the best one. And by the way, Wozniak was the best one. Right. But it's not like the computer wouldn't exist if it wasn't for Apple. What Apple was was the best one.

And by the way, Wozniak was the technical genius behind that. It wasn't even Steve Jobs. It would have existed, man. Computers would have existed. But no doubt about it, Apple does it the best. Why are you hating on Steve Jobs? They do it the sexiest. You're hating on Steve Jobs, man.

This is on a Mac. This is a Mac to your left. You got a Mac over there. I bought all these bitches. I know. That's what I'm saying Why are you hating on Steve Jobs? I'm not hating on him

I'm just I'm trying to give Steve Jobs love And you're like attacking Steve Jobs I gave him plenty of love dude What am I attacking? All I said was that he's a ruthless dude And that all bad motherfuckers have their flaws And you gotta look at him for who he really is

You're not very eye sad Or he really was Did you say eye sad? I'm sad Did you say I'm not very eye sad said that's hilarious give me some of this oh that's hilarious i said that's the line of the night you know like i can't wait to see in like four or five years when steve jobs plans have run out like i bet there's a couple that they just threw in there like oh he didn't really perfect his idea yet, like a smelly computer.

No, I don't want a smelly computer. Or they're just taking all the ideas he put down on paper and they're like, guys, it's a helicopter, iHelicopter. We're all going to have them one day. So wait, is this possible that I just – with the energy that we're having today, can I ask how you guys met? Oh, yeah. I met Brian online. Brian was on my message board. Yeah.

Well, Brian was posting these videos and they were super creative. That's what Brian's best at. He's a wizard video editor. I mean, even if he wasn't in the room, I would say this. For real, he's a weird guy. Obviously, you can tell. He's a very silly man. But because of that,

he has a sensibility when it comes to video editing that I've never seen before. It's so unique. It's so his, his sense of humor is so his and you're fucking great at it, man. You really need to make more videos, not just like little like edit videos. Cause they're fucking amazing, man. And so I met him, he was doing these videos just for a goof. And I, I was, I met him at one of my shows And he was on my message board all the time And I said, what do you do for a living, man?

He said he worked for Gateway Computers And I'm like, you want to work for me? And he's like, yeah I'm like, come on out to fucking California Are you serious? Yeah, so he came out to California And that's back in the comedy store days Where Brian used to film crazy people coming up to us

It was always like one fucking crazy retard after another. Those are great videos. Brian would take these videos and make these hilarious little things out of them, little clips. That's how we became friends. That's so interesting. I always wondered about that. I always have a much more romantic story. You never found me.

Hey, by the way, I'm so mad at people hating on restaurants that are chain restaurants. Like I went to the Olive Garden last night and had the best meal ever. There's another fucking impromptu Olive Garden reference. Here's what I have. That's so random. You're talking about the sweet meeting and he goes, and by the way.

All right, here, check this out. He's the worst Segway guy ever. There's this sushi place in Studio City that has this famous sushi thing. I think it's called Sardo's or something. No, it's not Sardo's. But it's some other place, Katina or something, Katana. And they have this all-you-can-eat sushi thing for $26, right? And so my girlfriend's like, oh, I want sushi. And I'm like, all right, let's get sushi.

So we sit down, and then we were like, all right, we'll have the all-you-can-eat sushi deal. And so we ordered three sushis, and they give you the humongous thing of sushi. So it's not like six rolls. It's like 12 rolls each. So I'm like, oh, shit, this better be good. It's all rice and raw, mushy fish. By the way, I'm thinking the same thing right now. Keep going.

Right, right. What the fuck does this have to do with what we're talking about? So we start eating it, and then we're like, this is disgusting. And the woman comes over, and I'm like, hey, this is gross. And they is gross and like sorry you have to eat at least uh 75 and i'm like what 75 all right and my baby i was like all right i'll eat it i'll eat it and we'll get something else it'll be better than this shit so i ate all of it and then i feel like i might puke right like it's the worst sushi ever this is how you can tell how ridiculous b's stories are. How many likes there are in there. Yes. And I'm like, and she's like, and he's like, and I'm like, oh my God.

So my girlfriend's like, I feel sick. Can we stop? Can we pretend we're doing the directorial editing on this? So wait, my favorite part is when the lady says to him, you have to eat 75% of it to even have this conversation. So Brian goes, don't worry, I got this. I'm going to eat 75% of the sushi. And I ate the whole thing because I was just trying to prove a point, right? Like this is bullshit that you're forcing me to eat this horrible sushi.

Well, they probably have to get rid of it before it rots out. Right. I know. That's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking the same thing like that. You are a genius. I'm glad you thought of the same thing I thought of. And so then I told the waitress.

The waitress comes back. And I'm like, look, my girlfriend feels sick. We don't even want to try for any more sushi because this is awful. She's like, 20 push-ups, 20 push-ups. And she goes, I'm sorry. You have to eat it. What's the point of this story, man? Is there a point?

Yeah, because I went to the Olive Garden. And guess what? None of that shit ever happens at the Olive Garden. I'm not sitting there disappointed. I'm like, no, this salad is awesome. These breadsticks are awesome. This is awesome. This is awesome.

This is awesome. The point of this whole side track is that Olive Garden is good food. Olive Garden, all you can eat pasta and everything costs me $40. That shitty ass sushi, $51. Who would want to listen to this? Do you realize

that this is a podcast? Who the fuck would want to listen to you talk about how good product. You're so angry. No, Brian, i'm being honest with you this is a this is a something this is a product this podcast is a product that i take very seriously i love doing it and you enjoy it and people enjoy it very much no i did not ask you you went off on a wild crazy chase to tell me that there's places that are bad restaurants and the olive garden always gives a quality meal you know what i'm thinking it's like people that get that

bash on franchise forget about that forget about that what I'm thinking? It's like people that bash on franchise restaurants. Brian, forget about that. Forget about that. What I want to know is, you know, people are listening to this. They're perfected, this shit. People are listening to this. So you don't think that's interesting? There's nothing entertaining in that.

No, definitely not. So when people say mom and pop restaurants are the only way to go, like, this restaurant's good because it's owned by a small family. And then you go there and you just have worse, horrible, shitty-ass service. This is a dumb conversation because not every mom-and-pop restaurant sucks. No, but the majority of them are. No, that's not true. That's not true.

The successful mom-and-pop restaurants, Brian, that is not true. That's why they have kitchen nightmares because all these places can't make money. If times like this, they're more likely to go under because the bad restaurants are not going to make money. Thank you, by Wall Street. Okay, are not going to make money. Occupy Wall Street. Okay, I'm going to be Judge Judy right now. You were right on part of what you said, and you were right on part of what you said. You're wrong on the last part. What part?

Mama's pop shops are good. No, I'm not saying they're not good. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're wrong. You're wrong on the fact that no one wants to hear what you just told us. However, Joe's wrong on the fact that what it is then turned interesting because it was so bad. Because it was so bad. It was so bad.

But it was so bad in a genius way because I'm sitting here laughing going, I can't believe that we're talking. I think it's important to remind everybody that someone's listening. This is a program. This is an entertainment program. I apologize for talking. You've got to edit stories. No, this has been fun. It's not apologizing for stories.

Don't apologize for talking. I did not mean to talk. Aspire to a higher level, sir. No, you guys are... I'm laughing. I'm having a good time. I am, too. I'm also having a bad time.

This isn't even remotely uncomfortable. Joe, why are you so uncomfortable right now? It's you, dude. You're being weird this podcast. I can feel you're very angry right now. No, I'm not. You've been awkward this entire podcast. I'm always awkward every podcast. Yeah, but this is extra. No, I'm not. You've been awkward this entire podcast. I'm always awkward every podcast.

Yeah, but this is extra. No, it's not. It's just about the same as drinking four beers with Burt Kreischer. It's about right. Okay. I'll stop drinking, guys, if this is what it's about. I'm going to switch to energy drink because I feel bad now because I'm making Joe awkward. Well, Brian, are you happy with that story, how that all turned out?

Are you happy with that story, how that all turned out? Well, obviously it was a little bit more intense than I thought it was going to be, talking about how I like going to franchise restaurants because they do it right, and they figured it out, good service, good food, compared to going to getting food poisoning. But be honest. As a person who likes listening to podcasts, as a person who enjoys quality conversation, were you happy with that, how that turned out? Not your reaction, but I was happy how my story was turned out. No, no, no, not his reaction, just with the story, with the end result of the story. I apologize for bringing up the off-

No, no, don't apologize. Are you happy with how the end result of the story- No, definitely not. I'm not happy how it's ending right now. I did not mean it to turn into whatever happened. No, are you happy with it as a product, like as a piece of art, as a conversation? Wouldn't you say that in retrospect it wasn't that entertaining?

I think you're taking it different than what I actually mean. No, I'm just trying to find out the way you approach it, the way you approach telling a story. If I am telling a story, I want to make sure that it's entertaining. And if I think it's not going to be entertaining, I don't want to tell it. I think that's what you have to do. And if I tell a story and we all have, and it's not that entertaining, I feel uncomfortable.

And you don't seem to feel that. When you tell a story and it doesn't work out that good, it doesn't seem to bother you at all. Okay. Sorry. Does that make sense? I understand what you're saying. Yeah, but I'll argue once again to be the...

Okay. I will say that I think and I don't mean no offense by this, but I think me and you have a higher threshold, a tighter threshold of when our stories aren't doing well where we get more uncomfortable. Right, as a performer.

But he's been doing-up, too. But he hasn't been doing it, what, 20-something years? And 15 years, he's been doing it, like, six. So I think our threshold, like, when I bomb, I know what it feels like. Like that. Like, I think he's hoping it's... I can't believe we're talking about this, but I think he's hoping... I thought we were just all talking.

No, no, no, no, no. I think he's hoping that it'll spawn different directions, maybe. I'm not allowed to talk. Well, no, no. I think he's hoping that it will spawn different directions, maybe. I don't know. Well, no, Brian, you changed the conversation. In the middle of this conversation, you went to this weird Olive Garden thing. And you bring up the Olive Garden like almost every week. Are you against the Olive Garden? Because I'm not getting paid by the Olive Garden.

Is that what you think I'm talking about? No. I have no connection to the Olive Garden. It's just not entertaining. I am sorry for bringing up the Olive Garden. I will change it to Applebee's next time. I'll tell you what. If you guys want, I'll tell you about the time I dated the girl that had cerebral palsy.

What's that like? I don't know. We'll just see if that goes somewhere. I'm not certain. You dated a girl that had cerebral palsy? How extreme? I didn't know. Pretty extreme.

Patrice O'Neal was like, it's fucking obvious. I don't know how you didn't see it. Whoa. But I didn't see it because I was drinking so much around her. When you met her? Yeah. We didn't see it. Whoa. But I didn't see it because I was drinking so much around her. When you met her? Yeah, we were on a plane. Whoa. Flying from L.A. to New York.

And a beautiful girl sitting next to me. And I just automatically, whatever thoughts you're going to have, are overwhelmed by how hot she is. She was like Angelina Jolie meets Sarah Michelle Gellar. Really smoking hot. And so I sat down next to her and she just we just hit it off it was so great but we're sitting next to each other the whole time we didn't get up and go anywhere so i didn't see her walk and then we went out the next night in new york on a date with a bunch of friends had a great time bam like so awesome and then on the third date my buddy pulled me

aside he was like you might want to go out with her in the sunlight and like check her out i was like why he was like i think something's wrong with your chick. I was like, what do you mean? I didn't notice a thing. I didn't notice a thing wrong with her. I thought she was perfect. And then I go out with her in the sunlight. I took her out to like a brunch.

I met her at her house. She was a trust fund kid too, which made it like even harder. But she was wearing sneakers. And I was like, that's an odd choice for a brunch is track shoes, like sneakers with a sundress. And then I saw her limp and I was like that's an odd choice for a brunch is track shoes like sneakers with a sundress and then I saw her limp and I was like oh fuck something's going on and then we ate dinner she only used her like left hand or her right hand one one hand the whole time to do everything with

and I was like fuck she's got cerebral palsy like I didn't know but then I found out and then you become the guy that you're like will I date the girl with cerebral palsy and or will i be the guy that goes fuck you i don't want that hassle i don't want that hassle in my life and i was like fuck it i'm gonna date her uh i i liked her when i didn't think she had cerebral palsy and then and now i know what i'm not gonna fucking throw her to the wolves and so i started dating her and then she went to scotland with me and patrice and uh rich voss and fucking she showed how crazy she was she was a nightmare patrice was the first to see it he's like i don't like your bitch crazy and cerebral palsy really crazy i think that yeah i think you know i'm sure it's

her history that's got to creep in on her you know having a disability but she was a fucking nightmare like one night she was standing at the foot of my bed naked and screaming at me going you won't fuck me you won't fuck me you and patrice walked like literally walked stuck his head and he was like all right and shut the door it was she was crazy condo together or something we were in a house in scotland doing uh the edinburgh festival and then she was a nightmare fucking but my biggest thing was like man how much of a drunk do you have to be to not notice the chick you're dating has cerebral palsy? I guess if you were totally trash and you're just trying to look at the bright side of things.

But yeah, but you know your first few dates with a chick, it's out. How many dates did you have before you took her with you? Two. Two until I realized she had cerebral palsy. Two or three. It took you two whole dates before you realized? Yeah. Like two whole dates, like hanging out and walking around with her.

Wow. You know what is something that was even fucking weirder about it is that she was a massive fan of Guns N' Roses. And then when I was doing the X show with Gary Valentine, we ended up interviewing Slash from Guns N' Roses. And so Slash showed up. And I was like, man, this chick. I can't remember her name right now. But I go, this chick loves Slash. So I called her. I had her number on my cell phone. I called her and I said,

just so you know, she lived in LA. I go, Slash is in my green room right now drinking. If you want to meet Slash, I got a drive on for you over at the gate. Come on. And he's going to be here for a while. We haven't even started taping and he's not flying out till 10 and he wants to stay in my room drinking. So she showed up to the taping she um sits in the in the back and watches me do the interview with him and and it was a great interview and then we get done and i say to her go to my green room i tell one of the guys take her to my green room so me and slash go into the green room with her i go i go listen slash just so you know this chick i dated um is a big fans of guns and roses and she just wants to meet you and they talk and man and she is hot as fucking shit and

slash and i pretty hammered it for like eight in the morning and then she gets up to go to the bathroom and i see her distinctively like limp to the bathroom and walk out of my room and slash looks over at me and he goes how perfect is she and i was like you didn't see her limp he's like what are you talking about and i was like great i'm just as big an alcoholic as slash like slash didn't notice and i didn't fucking notice but yeah so she was fucking crazy though too how long did you date her for uh scotland you got rid of her after that got rid of her scotland and then kind of hooked up back up with her in la because she couldn't get a dui because no one could give her a fucking road field sobriety test why couldn't they just give her a breathalyzer oh they could but when she did a field so sheety, she goes, oh, I have cerebral palsy.

And they'd be like, oh, okay, they feel uncomfortable. Oh, no, don't worry about it. Really? Yeah. So is she ever drunk with cerebral palsy? Oh, all the time. Whoa. She's not listening to this. She was a hot mess. Drunk with cerebral palsy and driving? Yeah. And only can use one arm.

Cerebral palsy is just like it happens and then it's there forever it doesn't like escalate really? yeah it's like you got no brain delivered to your, no oxygen delivered to your brain when you're a baby and then it she had like a hook, not a hook hand but like a this hand and then her leg was really skinny

whoa, I remember Patrice she wore, when we were in Scotland she wore these really hot leather pants and Patrice just leans over and he's like, nice pants on you, girl. Too bad there's a baby leg in there. Patrice is a fucking beast. But anyway, yeah, we partied. And then one night, she was a fucking nightmare.

Rescued cats. And then rescued cats, but only to take them on walks at Runyon. Who takes a fucking cat on a walk at Runyon? What? She goes. On a leash? Yeah, she goes, do you like Runyon? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's like, let's go on a hike. And now I'm thinking taking a hike with a girl with cerebral palsy with a fucking cat. Like, that is way too much. That's awesome. So they can't fix cerebral palsy. There's no therapy for it. Nothing they can do. It's like diminished oxygen to the parts of the body.

And it just, it is what it is. It is what it is. Wow. There's no way to fix it? You can't, what if they exercise? Is that possible? No. They can't exercise? No, and I remember one night we were laying in bed in Scotland and I was like scratching her bad arm and I remember oh, I remember fucking, you know those like douche chill

type moments and she just leaned over and she goes, you're not going to fix it. Oh, God. And I was like, what? She goes, I can't feel it. I can't feel it. So don't do it. Oh God. And I was just like, I can't leave this. I can't check this one at the door.

Yeah. That's brutal, man. That's brutal when somebody is angry at a disability and you don't have anything to say. There's nothing you can say. You just have to absorb their uncomfortable moment. She was so hot Really?

So hot I can't even tell you I swear to god Angelina Jolie I never fucked her I just got other stuff A blowjob with a good hand With a good hand? Like she used a little bit of the Did you ever cup the balls with a numb hand?

No Hold a good cup? But her ex-boyfriend who had just gotten out of prison called right after the blowjob. I'm telling you. He just got out of prison? He just got out of prison. Did he call as you were coming and the phone rings? Yeah, borderline, I would say.

I would offer it up as in I definitely was still in bed and she got out. And it was brand new. And he called and they started fighting on the phone and i went and i just was like i'm out of here and she was like what she's like don't leave and then he was and she's like nobody go fuck yourself and then hung up on him and i was like now he's definitely coming over here and then i was like i'm fucking out of here i don't want no part of this drama it was also when i was like a massive bachelor and i just didn't want that shit i didn't want the fucking drama that came with a girlfriend with one i said like i was like i'm in and out of here i'm fucking no thank you and she was like and i remember her saying something like i just had your dick in

my mouth or something like real like hit you in the center of the chest and you were like and then i and then i walked home from sunset i was living across the street from andy dick at the time oh no yeah i walked down sunset all the way from Sunset to fucking wherever Andy used to live. No, he lives in the back. Like, you know, Beverly and La Cienega like right around there.

And I walked home. I was like, I don't want the fucking drama. How long did that take? It was a long walk but it was pretty hammering. I stopped a few bars and I think Nick Schwartz

and yelled something as I drove by. You stopped? Oh, of course. Walked into a bar? I've never just walkedped at a few bars? Yeah. You stopped? Oh, of course. Walked into a bar? Just rolled into a bar? I've never just walked into a bar before. Are you shitting me?

Yep, never. The best conversations you'll ever get into. Really? Fuck yes. Especially you. Walk in on your own. Yes. And just sit down.

Yeah. Oh, all the time. You ever done it, Brian? What? Walk into a bar and sit down? Yeah. Talk to a stranger. Really?

Definitely. By yourself? All the time. Hotels. What do you do in hotels? Oh, I don't go to the bar. Oh, I go to the bar and I sit down and fucking talk to someone. No, you bullshit and have you. By yourself? All the time. Hotels. What do you do in hotels? Oh, I don't go to the bar. Oh, I go to the bar and I sit down and fucking talk to someone. Are you bullshitting? Have you ever done it? All the time.

You go to bars by yourself? All the time. I definitely do that. Really? Yeah. If I'm bored, I'll go to a bar and just hang out, look at chicks, trying to find, pick up a girl. You know, like just see what the deal is. I'm going to have a beer. I'm not going to sit at home and drink a beer. I'll have a couple of beers at a bar i'm never gonna know bar by myself are you serious

oh joe joe joe you got it you know kind of pool halls with bars by myself it's the same thing it's the same thing technically play pool right well you but yeah all right well i was playing on my iphone world of warcraft same thing you but you you you would definitely get a kick out of the way people just divulge shit that you never tell people. I do it at hotel bars all the time now. That's when you get drunk woman stories. Yeah. With bad husbands.

They want to tell you about their bad husbands. Half my ex-girlfriends I met at bars just hanging out. Meeting some fucking hot chick, dating her for a couple months. I've never met a chick at a bar. You should meet a bar and you stud. I've never been able to meet a chick at a bar. That's how you have to do it. How else do you meet a girl?

When I lived in Columbus, Ohio, I was like, all right, what else do I do? I can go to the bowling alley. My entire dating life outside of college was doing stand-up. I just met girls. Right. See, stand-up's huge. That's, I think, one of the best things is stand-up.

So much better. So much easier than meeting a girl going to a bar. You meet someone after a show and you have something to talk about.

Absolutely. Here are the chicks I fucked as a stand-up. As a stand-up. One from Liverpool whose tongue wouldn't go out of her mouth.

It wouldn't. Because there was a piece of skin connected from the bottom of her mouth to the tip of her tongue. So her tongue couldn't extend?

All she could do is this. Oh, wow. So the whole time you kissed to the tip of her tongue. So her tongue couldn't extend? All she could do is this. Oh, wow. So the whole time you kissed her, you were just licking her tongue. Right. Fucking nightmare. Yeah. Why is that a nightmare?

You're just really in a big, long tongue? No, and she smoked, and she drank Hennessy, so the whole time I met out with her, I was like, this is what kissing Tupac would be like. Hey, did you hear about the Tupac porno? Did you see the stills from that? No. I heard Joey said something about it.

Is it real? Yeah, it's real. But even the other guy that's in it that was in Digital Underground or whatever, he's like, oh, no, I knew about this tape for a long time. Is he wearing the nose and glasses, too? No, not that guy. Oh, I'm doing my baby. Shut up, Bill.

Hey, Tupac, why don't you go from behind? Stop what you're doing because I'm about to ruin your asshole. That guy was hilarious. Whatever happened to that dude? He was a big producer, I heard. Really? Yeah, and I think he still produces probably. Why wouldn't he keep producing CDs of his own?

Digital Underground was awesome. I don't know. I saw him once in a small bar. Really? Like a really tiny bar. And it was when digital cameras first came out. And I was taking photos and all of them are just blurry messes. And one of them, you could see like a blur and a nose from him wearing the humpty nose or whatever.

Oh, that's kind of cool. Was this post-success? Like they weren't famous anymore? Right. Had to be. Yeah, it was just a small little bar. And he's still wearing the nose. It's a fucking weird thing for artists, for musical artists.

It's a totally different world for them. It's so hard for them to get their shit out to people. Not now because of the internet, but back then you needed the radio. You needed the radio to pump you up. That was the only way you got successful. And they would get successful for like one fucking CD and then they'd be gone. Disappear. One CD and they'd be gone.

Eddie Bravo explained it to me because Eddie's a musician. He knows a lot about the business. And he says that apparently what it is is it's all so that the producers can make a shitload of money because the way contracts are set up, the first CDs, the producers make the majority of the profits and then they basically say once you become a hit, then you become a hit and then you make money on your next contract. That's how it fucking makes total sense. Yeah, because the producers will make you

successful. So they would do this and just pump and dump. Make a new one and get rid of them. Make a new one and get rid of them. Why not? So they kept making all these hits. The producers would make all this money but the artists didn't make nearly as much money as they should have made and then their career was over really quickly.

No one wanted to play their shit anymore. Now, if you weren't in a record deal with one of the big record companies, then they wouldn't play your shit on the radio. Makes total sense. You have an ability to make a hit. Yeah. Which one are you going to do it on? The one you get no money or the one you get all the money?

You make the one with all the money. Have you ever read, there was a thing that Courtney Love wrote where she explained where the money comes from. Some say that someone else ghost wrote it, but that's probably just their hate. They probably just don't realize how smart she is. I don't know, maybe they are telling the truth. She's crazy for sure, but she's probably smart too.

She's definitely smart enough to get to where she's been. She dated a bunch of successful guys. She's crazy, but I think she's probably clever, too. I don't know. What did she write? I'm guessing.

But anyway, she broke down where the money goes when someone gets a record deal and how the money flows down back to the artist. It's really pretty ridiculous. It's really incredibly stacked for the record companies. But they have to put forth the money. It's really incredibly stacked for the record companies. But they have to put forth the money. It's a business. They're the ones who have to invest the money in order to make the artist famous. It is sort of a parasitic relationship at a certain point, but it doesn't even exist anymore. So what's the point?

Now, really, the Internet is your friend. That's what you want to do. You want to get something where people get a hold of it. It spreads virally. A cool video gets out. It spreads virally. And then you tour. That's really the only way to do it. The tour is where you make your money as an artist. How many bands are just releasing their shit

for free online now? They'll release their whole CD for free, right? Oh, fucking Wilco started all that. Have you seen I'm Trying to Break Your Heart by Wilco? No. It's one of my favorite documentaries ever. Wilco makes an album, I guess, I'm going to say any big company, name a big company here, Sony or whatever, pays to make it, they

submit it, the company says we don't want it, everyone gets fired at the top of the company, new group comes on and they go, don't worry, you can have it, we don't even want it. Wilco takes it out on tour, that album releases it online for free in this documentary, on this documentary this is all happening, and then all of a sudden another, like a subsidiary of Sony, the big company,

buys the album for like three times they were originally paid to make it. And it's a really great documentary. And if you like Wilco, it's a lot of their acoustic music. But it's a great documentary about how the internet works. I don't even know who Wilco is. Seriously? Never heard of them. Oh, they're great, Joe.

What are they? It's a, I would say a... Yeah, I'm interested to see if you like them or not. I like Wil Joe. Where are they? Yeah, I'm interested to see if you like them or not. I like Welcome, but it's borderline that you would like it. Do they release their shit for free online? No, not now. Not now, because they've blown up.

You can get some of their shit for free online. Jeff Tweedy is the lead singer. He does living room shows where he sits in a living room. People pay a ton of money. A group will pay a ton of money. They all chip in, say, $10,000 each to have him in his living room. People pay a ton of money. A group will pay a ton of money. They all chip in, say, $10,000 each to have him in his living room. Get the fuck out of here. But then he'll donate it to charity.

Really? And he'll just play acoustic in their living room. He's an amazing guy. The documentary is great. They say it's country music, but it's modern country. It's Jason Tebow's favorite band. Really? It's really good.

And I'll turn you on. What are they called again? Wilco. Wilco. I'll make you on. What are they called again? Wilco. Wilco. Send me some shit. I'll make you a mixtape. No, that sounds gay. But I'll make you a...

A little bit. But I'll turn you on to some tracks that you'll like. And then once you like those, you'll start getting into it. It's definitely something you can get high to, I think. A lot of those. Especially Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. And so these guys became... What's that?

Foxtrot? Foxtrot? Yeah. The first album is Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. Yeah. Bloodhound Gang? Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. But it's a great, I think you'll really like it.

Dude, Gawker apparently has an article exactly saying what I said. What everyone is too polite to say about Steve Jobs. Oh! Tweet that shit. I'll tweet it. I'll retweet it. Yeah. It's true, too.

Well, it's unfortunate. Whatever, man. Nobody deserves to die of pancreatic cancer. Fuck yes. That's what I'm talking about. It's sad as fuck. It's amazing, man, when your body just fucking gives out and fails you. But I do believe, not to get on that same vibe, but I do believe in negative energy coming back to haunt you. I know that my...

Could be, but I don't think that's what did him. Like I said, I think he worked too hard. Really? Yeah, I think you redline it every day like that guy did, and there's a lot of stress involved. He put a lot of pressure on himself to be the... How many hours do you sleep at night? Me? I try to get eight.

Really, I'm a big stickler for that, man. I don't think it's good to not get sleep. Every time I have and try to burn through the day with no sleep, I feel like shit. I make it a priority to try to take naps wherever I can. If I can't get eight in a row, I try to get an eight accumulated. I think it's one of the most important things. Because I know from exercise that you can't exercise and not recover.

If you do, you're going to burn yourself out. You're going to overtrain. You need to recover. And that's what sleep is, man. You have to recover. You can't just burn it every day eventually it'll you're you fucking you know you redline your machine too much shit's gonna start breaking uh yeah i can feel mine breaking down do you get eight hours sleep a night no how close it's hard when you have kids too i have kids and a puppy i can't like we it's hard i get i get up a couple times a night with someone having a nightmare

or the dog just fucking wanted to eat my face and then yeah and then you and then i know even on the road now i'm in that habit of like fall asleep wake up fall asleep wake up but i also um i think i get that thing that sleep apnea shit of course you do and so i and that has been a big proponent of me working out trying to get skinnier on the road. Just so I'm like, I don't want to fucking, like, I've been in bed where you're like, and you're like, what the fuck? Like, my body just almost died. And I'm sleeping through it.

Well, you can die, too. Yeah. Some big football player died just a couple of years ago. Some big heavy dude. He's like in his 40s, early 40s. Died of sleep apnea. Just stopped breathing in the middle of the night. I used to sleep a lot.

And now I want to sleep more i want to get better at better sleep well get in shape the real thing man is the alcohol you know your your alcohol you're every time you're drinking a beer you're drinking a ton of negative calories you know and it's just empty empty shit positive energy but i burn but i but but i burn i'm i think i'm i'm not calorie wise i think i go through well if you want to lose weight that's the big thing those are empty calories i mean if you want to lose weight it's so simple eat a vegetable-based diet eat a plant and vegetable-based diet eat you know very few starches but a lot of salads a lot of you know

really healthy fresh organic vegetables drink a shitload of water and the weight will fly off your body. Eat as much salad as you fucking can get into your mouth. Eat it to the point where you're completely stuffed. You couldn't have another bite. I mean, it's gross. Nobody wants to do it. You want to have cheeseburgers. You want to have pizza.

That stuff's all delicious. But that stuff takes a fuck of a lot to break down. And all the shit that we have that has corn syrup in it and all the shit that we have that has all sorts of crazy carbohydrates. It's so easy to get fat. The American diet is absolutely brutal. And that beer shit doesn't even help them. But it's fun. That's the problem.

What am I going to do? Am I going to sit and read? Yeah, you do that too. I've been sober for big, long stretches, and I just go, so what? What are you going to do? Go to the movies again? Like, what do we do tonight? We're just not going to talk, and we'll just sit here and each read a book?

We have a couple glasses of wine, and you and your wife are like talking. You're having a party. It's like, hey, you want to open a bottle of wine for dinner? Oh, yeah. And then all of a sudden you have a bottle of wine and she's like, you're never going to believe what happened with Isla today. And then you start laughing and then...

We definitely have sober dinners and you're like, do you want to play Scrabble tonight? She's like, yeah. And you're like, Scrabble? So you like your drunk dinners better? Fuck yes. How many nights a week are you getting lit up? Me?

Yeah. Like, in real? Real. Like, seven. Seven nights a week you're getting lit up? Yeah. Wow. Like, not lit up, but definitely by, I would say by your standards, if you were sitting

next to me as my bodyguard in Mexico, you'd definitely be like, he's lit up. How many drinks are we talking about every night? No, I don't know. I can't, like, ballpark it that way. Five, six? No, I don't know. I can't like ballpark it that way. Five, six? No, no. I mean, I could do. Hey, let's not lie.

What's a light day? If I have like four beers. Four beers is a light day. Four beers, I won't even feel it and I'll just go to bed. How dare you, sir? Four beers, yeah. Four beers and I'm like fucking done. Wow, every night, man.

I would worry about that. If I was doing that every night, I would worry. If I was getting lit up every night man i would worry about that if i was doing that every night i would worry if i was getting lit up every night yeah but yeah but we could fucking seriously but they're why are we doing this can we go back yeah why why yeah i don't know we just got on a subject no no no i said you don't drink every day is what you're saying no i mean i like i said i don't think there's anything wrong with a couple drinks every day if you want to do it. Yeah, a couple to the regular guy is probably four to me.

Yeah, but you're going to pay that. You're going to pay for that. Pay for what, though? Health. Like liver-wise? Sure. So it's taking 27 fish oil pills a day. Doesn't that fuck up your liver?

No, it doesn't fuck up your liver. Fish oil is food. But you're taking so much supplements, that could fuck up your liver. Wait, hold on. My supplements? I get my blood checked. I know what I'm doing to my blood. I know, you do. It doesn't fuck your your liver. Fish oil is food. But you're taking so much supplements, that could fuck up your liver. Wait, hold on. I get my blood checked. I know what I'm doing to my body. It doesn't fuck your blood up.

It doesn't fuck your liver up. It's way worse than vitamins, bro. Vitamins are just food. It's just broken down food. It's not hard for your body to process them at all. That's a complete misnomer. It's just not true. Yeah, but if you're

doing... You have toxic levels of vitamins, yeah. There's certain things like fat-soluble vitamins that you could have and you take too much of them and they get into your system. But if you're getting your blood checked, you know what you're doing. If you know what your dosage are... I get my blood checked once a year on my liver with beer.

You should. Everybody should. I go to a checkup once a year. My four beers aren't pounded back to back to back. Right, it's just over the course. Well, you go do the first show, have a beer. Second show, have a beer, and then have a couple beers after the show. And I definitely will say that I drink, I would say, more than the average American, 100%. But I have a different lifestyle than the average American, and I also spend my time differently than the average American.

You know, I'm not going to... I'm all for anything that you do that might not be so good for you that sort of kind of enhances your life, and I think alcohol falls into that. I mean, if that's what you choose to do. Look, all of my favorite people have either had problems with drugs or could have a problem with drugs where I wouldn't be surprised. Joe, you're an alcoholist anonymous right now. You're not telling anyone.

I have a Heineken. This is a Heineken, you fucker. Why are you so angry about alcohol? You know why? Because Joey Diaz told me you were angry about alcohol recently. Brian, when someone has a point of view on something, it doesn't mean they're angry on it. I just said that I think that alcohol is probably worth it because it enhances your life enough to balance out whatever damage it's doing to your body.

I think some of the most fun times I've ever had has been buzzed. I went with Aubrey. We went to a country western bar in Houston after the show on Thursday night or Friday night rather in Houston. We had a great fucking time. And the booze was flying. We were doing shots of whiskey. So why not do that every night? Because I don't think it's healthy.

Yeah, but if you didn't have kids, would you do it every night? No, no, no, no. Your body suffers, man. If you get hammered every night, I believe that your performance suffers. I know it suffers because I know my sets suffer. If I have a hangover, my sets on stage, they're not as good if I'm hungover.

I'm funny or hungover. Hungover, you're funny. Drunk, I'm funny as shit. No, drunk, I'm not funny. Really? Yeah, drunk, I'm not funny. Drunk, I'm not as good if I'm hungover. I'm funny or hungover. Hungover, you're funny. Drunk, I'm funny as shit. No, drunk, I'm not funny. Really? Yeah, drunk, I'm not funny. Drunk, I'm rambling and I don't know where I'm going. Well, I don't mean like hammered. I mean like I got a buzz.

No, no, no. But if I'm hungover and I have a cup of coffee, man, my brain fires weird and it's funny as shit. Really? Yeah. That's interesting. I'm actually, I think I enjoy being hungover more than I enjoy being sober. See, I think right away when I'm hungover, I always think, what did you do, stupid? Look what you did to your body, dummy.

I'm always unhappy with myself. You know what I say? I go, buddy, let's get it back up. We know what we did to ourselves. We're on the same team here. Let's have a cup of coffee if we need to. We'll do it. Let's fucking right this boat.

Well, most of what I do is try to get a light workout in and drink a shitload of water. Fucking totally work out? And if I work out, it's gone. The hangover is gone. Really? 100%. Never throw up. Hangover? Never. Work out too hard, though, you could jack yourself. I've done that too. I've been

hungover and decided I'm just going to get a crazy workout in and just fucking blow it out. And then I'm just useless. It just kills me. That's dangerous. No, I don'tover and decided I'm just going to get a crazy workout in and just fucking blow it out. And then I'm just useless. Then it just kills me. That's dangerous. No, I don't. Obviously, I'm talking about ellipticals on a fucking hotel room. Even that, man.

Let me tell you something. Elliptical machine, if you do it at a high level and you do it at a lot of intensity, you should see. I do an elliptical workout, a 40-minute elliptical workout, dude, where I have it all set up where the first three minutes it's pretty light. And then the second two minutes, I pick up the pace, and then I go through these intermittent sprints where I get up to whatever the level is that's the highest. I'll jack it up to the highest and do like a one-minute wrestling match of death

with that fucking elliptical machine, and then I'll drop it down to like half the speed, and I sprint, and it's a brutal, brutal workout to the point where when I'm done, sometimes my fucking hands are numb from gripping the poles. I'm shaking.

My heart's pounding. Like, I've been drenched with sweat. When I was in Hawaii the last time I did it, I had puddles to the left and to the right of me on an elliptical machine. You could get a fucking ferocious workout on an elliptical machine. You just got to do it like a madman.

You can't do it like a pussy. Like Judah Friedlander. Judah Friedlander? That dude's crazy looking. He does a beast of a workout on an elliptical. Does he really? You almost think

he's making fun of people working on an elliptical. He just... You're like, what the fuck? Is he doing it for comic relief? No, no.

By himself in a crunch. Just... He's going to do the podcast soon. So is David Tell. David Tell's doing it. Shut the fuck up. Yeah.

The last Tuesday in October, he's going to be doing it. David Tell is one of the best. His management contacted me. It's so funny. But I don't think Dave has an email. He doesn't have an email? I don't think so. I wouldn't be shocked if he didn't have an email.

Really? I wouldn't be shocked if he. You know, Todd Glass doesn't have an email. Like, I wouldn't be shocked. What? No. Todd Glass doesn't have an email. I don't't be shocked. What? No, Todd Glass doesn't have an email. I don't even think Todd Glass has a cell phone. You know what?

I think that's true because Todd Glass and I spoke on the phone once and he was like excited to get me on the phone. And I think he said something crazy. Like I don't have a cell phone or I'd give it to you. No, right. So weird. And he. Maybe I'm wrong about this. No, no, no, no.

You're accurate because I've heard that. But a tell doesn't run as, like his Twitter is like, please see Dave at. And his MySpace back in the day was like that. And Dave just isn't that guy. Nor McDonald's. Yeah. Those guys are like old school in the sense that they didn't see the benefit to wasting their already valuable time. Because they were famous before the whole internet shit blew up.

Yeah. I mean you're different in that you put out a – a your brand i was thinking about this the other night i was like your brand has been your was your brand well right when the internet started like your fucking your website with the aliens and the fucking and your blog i mean how long did you give up with a fucking blog i've been writing a book so i haven't written a blog in forever the book for those asking i had a problem with uh disagreement with the people that wanted to publish the book. They wanted to do it different. And my vision was to do my way of looking at the world intertwined with, you know,

the things that I've learned about how to control myself and operate through life and the perspective that I've gained on how bizarre and strange just life is in general it's a very it's a very weird book but a lot of it is really funny but a lot of it is just really strange and when i brought it to them they didn't like the really strange stuff at all then they don't know who you are yeah they wanted me to do they actually wanted me to do my stand-up right they said why don't you take your stand-up and just transcribe it and i was like i'm gonna send you some blogs like you gotta you gotta read my shit and they're like this is brilliant writing we love it but it's it's really not funny you're not trying to be funny and i'm like yeah but there's

some of them that are funny like this these two i'm sending you aren't here i'll send you a funny one we like this one can you make them all like this and i'm like no i can't make them all like this because sometimes there's some shit that I'm thinking of or I want to talk about that isn't funny. It just happens to be bizarre. But that is the business of someone buying into the brand of Joe Rogan not knowing what the brand is. I don't believe in a brand, man.

You totally are a brand, though. I don't believe in a brand either. I always believe. But your brand, I mean, seriously out of all the fucking comics I could want their brand to be, your brand is always reinventing itself. It's always something new. It's whatever you find interesting, whether it's fucking

back in someone who's a fan of you on news radio. It's MMA, then it's the podcast, it's marijuana, it's DMT. It's all these interesting fear factor. Fear factor, if you were going to put the brand of the new Joe Rogan out, the new brand would not go back to fear factor. But you say, hey, I fucking like that show. It was a fun show to shoot.

I love those people. And it was a good show. That's the brand. It's always reinventing itself. To be a brand where you go, I'm not going to say, I'm the Mexican comic that always has the Mexican parents that do the Mexican things. That's what you're thinking of brand. When you say, I don't want to say, I'm the Mexican comic that always has the Mexican parents that do the Mexican things. That's what you're thinking of brand. When you say, I don't want to believe in brand. Yeah, well, I'm just myself.

Exactly. When you call it a brand, it seems weird to call that a brand when you're just yourself. Yeah, but despite what you believe, and I only know this from going on the road and running into people that are fans of your podcast, there are a lot of people like you. Yeah, of course. That's one of the more interesting things about this podcast is that all of us are reaching out to a bunch of people out there that don't know anybody like us but think like us. They're surrounded by a bunch of fucking morons

that think in a completely different way and it's stifling. It's stifling and it's depressing and it just doesn't give them any hope. I can't tell you how many times I've been on the road. Just this weekend in Houston, I talked to I don't know how many, literally hundreds of people who told me that it changed their life. They're like, dude, it changed my life. It changed my life.

Because they don't have it. No one is representing that point of view out there in the media. You couldn't do it on a regular mainstream radio show. It's impossible. You couldn't do it on a television show. But despite that, you couldn't even reach out to the people that are listening to you when they're listening to you. Yeah. A dude's got his headset in his ears at Target

Sunday, and I get out of the car with my wife, and he goes, holy shit. Takes it out. The fucking machine. He's listening to your podcast in his ears, fucking loading up carts. You can't connect with any of those outlets that way. I had a power lunch with Alex Jones, Brendan Walsh, Doug Benson, and Joey Diaz, and Aubrey from On It Labs, and four dudes from my message board.

We had this power lunch, and we were all sitting in this Mexican place drinking margaritas before the fights and eating burritos. I got some videos of it. Some of them I can't show because Joey Diaz doesn't want me showing some of the things that he said that were absolutely hilarious. But he doesn't want to get in trouble. But while we were having this lunch, Alex Jones had the best point ever. He goes, you can take a TV camera, turn it on

a guy, and him and his buddies smoking a bong. It'd be the number one show on CBS. Put it on at 8 p.m. at night. That's what people want to watch. Your podcast is that. That's what people want to watch. And I was like, you really could. If they had a fucking show, if some people and their

buddies, if they were funny, they were really funny guys, and it was just a bong and a table and a room, and a living room, and they're all sitting around shooting the shit and they're all intelligent. It'd be the number one show. Yeah. And you're like, and they just call it

Four Guys Smoking a Bong. Four Guys in a Bong. Four Guys in a Bong. Yeah. It'd fucking hit show. I'd at least tune in once to see what they talked about, and then I'd tune in again, because I'd go, oh shit,

they just figured out that if they tied the bong to a string on the roof, they could swing it back and forth to each other. Well, there's more of those people out there than you would think. There's more people out there like those Four guys in a bong than you would think. And that's something like what the podcast reaches. And that's why, you know, you've never had a venue like that before.

Yeah. You know, you've never had a connection like that with all those people. Like, they'd want you. They didn't know you were there. And now they're happy they found you. You're one of them. It's like discovering a good band and you go, God, I was the first one to find out that band. Yeah, but then when you come mainstream, they fucking hate you.

Wait till you get your first Comedy Central special. You start selling out arenas. They'll get mad at you. I remember when he was the machine dude. I was there in the early days, man. People love to have something. That's a problem I have on my message board sometimes. People love to be the people that know about it first.

And so new people will come on and then just relentlessly torture the new people for being new. I've given up on my message board. I just can't do it anymore. It's kind of negative lately, right? Yeah. It's like, you know what? I'm trying not to be on the internet as much anymore. So I'm not trying to like...

Just to stop dealing with all the negative shit? Yeah, yeah. Because it's like, you know what? I need to check out tech news i need to do this and that but i'm kind of done with the sharing and uh any more than i do already you know what do you mean sharing information yeah like i i'm tired of letting people know who i am a little but you put it all out there so far i know but i've you're dating yeah but i've kind of gone back a lot more than normal i'm not not really doing it like i check twitter maybe once twice a day now well it's facebook forget about it it's because you're becoming famous and as you're

becoming famous you're dealing with a higher and higher volume of haters you stay in bed longer when you're famous i've noticed you get you get a lot of haters man you know there's a lot of people that get upset at you and feel like somehow or another they should be doing what you're doing. That is accurate. Yeah, there's some haters out there, man. And if you're online all the time, you're going to deal with those people. They're going to run into you and they're going to fucking

throw up shit on your Twitter and you're going to look at it. But the good news is, it's good to know that people like that exist. And just hit that block button and move along I don't even fuck with them Do you block people? No, I don't block anyone

You don't block anybody? No, because then if they Oh, people spam, dude I've had crazy people spam my entire timeline With like ten messages in a row And you're like, okay And then you block them They come back as a different name

It's like a never ending story It's so dumb Yeah, dude I wonder how many people Are actually trolling out there Oh I know I always think it's like One dude has been trolling me forever Right

I know Tom Segura's trolling me Tom Segura just called me today Why is he trolling you Yeah he told me he was trolling you I know he is I know he is About what Because this

Okay you ready I'm gonna find this girl She's gotta tweet at me In like past two seconds Cause I know this is not a real person Oh he's tweeting you with a girl Yeah Alright here's her name I'm not gonna find this girl. She's got to tweet at me in like past two seconds because I know this is not a real person. Oh, he's tweeting you with a girl? Yeah. All right.

Here's her name. I'm not going to tell you her name, but here's what she tweeted me. Oh, here's her profile. I love Bert Kreischer. Get to meet Bert in February. I love Zach Bagans. Great to get to meet him in November. And I was the first reply of Bert Kreischer.

This is what she writes. And then she goes, or maybe Zach Bagans. I don't know. She said, today I got the one she got. She goes, or maybe Zach Reiner, I don't know. She said, today I got the one she got. She goes, your birthday's coming up. I'd love to give you

a virtual blowjob. And I was like, and love you, miss you, sweet, like, I know it's not a real fucking person.

Oh, How do you know? It could easily be a real person. She's listening right now. She's tweeting you? Nope. She goes,

I believe it's vice.com. Awesome podcast. Can't wait to meet you, sexy machine. So she's totally listening Sorry I thought you were not a real person She could easily be real It's actually my girlfriend

There's a lot of people out there that are looking for someone to fixate on buddy They're looking for someone to just lock their sights on Please find a pic of flying dildos And until then I'll visualize it in my head Forever as I finger blast myself This must be a real person I totally thought this was a fucking one of my friends. Dude, you're hilarious.

Why wouldn't you think you'd have someone obsessed with you? Because, I don't know. You're the fucking machine, bro. Shut up. Stop that. I'm getting this on the toilet, saying, so your birthday is November 3rd. Let me just say I'll give you the best virtual blowjob you've ever had.

Love you. Like, I just go, that can't be real. That's a crazy person. That's Tom Segura fucking with me. Why would you think that? I would think that's a crazy person. Because it's so dating. Yeah, it's Christina.

It's got to be someone fucking with me. Why would you think that? I think there's just some girl out there that wants to suck your hog. No. Your fellow bear. Dude, you're so crazy. I guarantee you there's a girl. Listen, ladies and gentlemen, this is your next task.

Fuck no. When you see Bert Kreischer at a comedy club, just say, Bert, I would love to suck your hog. And you could qualify that with if I wasn't married, if I didn't have a boyfriend. If I was into sucking hogs. If I didn't know you weren't married. Bert, I'd love to suck your hog. Stop being so hard on yourself.

No, no, it's not hard on myself, but if you read these tweets, I believe they're... She's a crazy person who's fixated on you. You're a hilarious guy, and she's enthralledalled by your talent and she wants to put your hog in her mouth no why is it so hard to believe what are you knowing man is this real come on man i'm wondering is this is no not that i'm talking about your your you know you being yeah 100 someone but like someone saying that to me online out of all the fucking 20 30 000 people that follow me000 people that follow me, the one person that says that, I go, all right, this is Tom Segura. Because no one said that to me all day. But one person said it was like –

It seems like fake humility. I'm going to be honest with you. Bullshit. I want you to know if it's not fake humility that you're crazy because you're hilarious. You should expect – I get good emails. Don't get me wrong. I get good tweets of like, hey, you're really funny.

I love you on the podcast. You're great. When are you going to go back on? Why don't you have your own podcast? None of them say I want to give you a virtual blowjob. If I was a girl and I was working in a diner in Dayton, Ohio, and just broke up with my man, didn't have a whole lot going on in my life, but I love that podcast. I listen to it on the treadmill every day.

And when Bert Kreischer's on, my God, he is so funny. I almost peed my pants on that treadmill. You know what I did? I got on Twitter and I sent him a message. Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! I've met some of those people that will send you crazy messages and they claw at you and paw at you and try to lick your ear and shit.

They're out there, dude. They're real. Don't you wonder, though, if one of the comics is trolling and he's like... Well, that's real simple, then. Don't respond to any of them other than, thanks. That's why I get these, and I want to reply to her all the time and go, hey, thanks for the virtual blowjob, but... Do you know dudes who are obsessive?

We all do. Yes. And we know dudes who are obsessive about pussy. And I have some friends that I've thought about trolling. I have some friends that I'd love to put the boots to. Fuck yes! I would have to accumulate a lot of photographs of the same girl, though. Because I'm going to have to set up... If I'm going to accumulate a lot of photographs of the same girl, though.

Because I'm going to have to set up. If I'm going to do a real troll, you've got to accumulate a bunch of photos. Didn't they do that to a hockey player? I think there was a hockey player who was kind of famous because he got in a brawl. I don't remember the full story. But a bunch of his teammates trolled him with a fake account on MySpace. And saved all his messages and then posted it online or something like that.

That movie Catfish is all about that. What is Catfish? I heard it's funny. A girl? No, it's not funny. No, no, no. Not funny. Good. Guy meets a girl online. Did you ever have that problem where you say things are funny because it's a comic? Oh, it's really funny. If something's good, it's funny.

How's that funeral? Hilarious. Oh, it mean it's good i mean shit the um guy meets girl online on myspace and starts going back and forth with her facebook goes back and forth with her goes back and forth with her and then he goes and then his friends are like she's not it's not real let's go fucking find her let's go find her and they go to find her and they go to her mom's house and her mom's like oh she's off with some friends and they're like well when will she be back and they're like she's like oh like in the weekend they can't get in touch with her and then his mom's like she's in rehab and she's like really and he's like yeah and he's like is there there's something you don't want to tell me um by the way if you've seen this haven't seen the movie stop listening right now oh i haven't seen the movie oh then don't tell me anymore it's good

good oh it's good Scary? Yeah Okay don't say anymore Romantic? Did you see Red State? No You gotta see Red State That's you know There's a movie

That's a very interesting case Where I went to see it I really recommended it very highly It's a Kevin Smith movie That really takes you for a loop Totally didn't expect it I thought it was gonna be a comedy Red State is

Is With Bruce Willis? No, no, no. That's the one with Tracy Morgan. You're thinking of the cop movie. Oh, no. I was thinking of one with Helen Mirren and all them. No, no, no. Red State is a new movie that Kevin Smith made

and he released it on his own. He did the whole thing on his own. Shut up. Yeah, he's putting it in just a few theaters so it can be considered for Oscar nominations, especially for Michael Parks. He's a guy who plays this, he's incredible. He plays this preacher in the movie.

But it's interesting. I fucking loved it, man. I thought it was a great movie. But I look at the ratings online, 6.5 out of 10. And I talked to a lot of people, and a lot of people loved it, and a lot of people didn't like it at all. Really? Yeah, I was shocked.

What's the premise? It's kind of a convoluted premise, but it's all about religious people without giving away too much. It's all about crazy religious people, and the fucking chaos ensues, gunfire. I fucking loved it. I love those. It's a very Tarantino-esque movie.

Yeah. You never know what the fuck is going to happen movie. And I enjoy the shit out of it. What's your opinion? I've been curious about the Hank Williams Jr. with Monday Night Football debacle. Look, man, people compare someone to Hitler all the time, but when you're on Monday Night fucking

football and you start comparing a Republican playing golf with Obama like Hitler playing golf with Benjamin Netanyahu. First of all, that's a weak sentence. That's a stupid thing to say. It's dumb. Like, why would you, you know...

Really? That's the best... Yeah, well, he's trying to go for a bold statement, but... Yeah, it's not saying shit. Yeah. Come on. I mean, it's just too stupid and yeah they're not that uh and you're trying and here's the thing if he had just used uh it's like martin

luther king yeah playing with a negative person i don't think he should be fired i think they're ridiculous i think you know if they should look at it and go well you know he could say he should just say uh sorry i said that and that would should be the end it's just he's not a bad guy he just said something that was dumb. I mean, he's probably a Tea Party dude. He's probably a conservative Republican. I mean, he's a country boy can survive guy. So he probably thinks in his...

I bet if he sat down, if somebody like fucking Christopher Hitchens sat down with him and had him break down what he sees wrong with Obama and this administration and its involvement overseas, I bet every single fucking point would get debunked and it would fall apart right in front of his face. I bet he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about, but it's

fashionable right now to say that this country is falling apart because of Obama. One fucking asshole, I don't even know the guy's name nor do I care, but he was on Fox News talking about how Obama has done more to hurt this country than 9-11. It was the dumbest statement ever because then he goes, if we could have had total victory if we were allowed to.

When 9-11 happened, it happened, but then we went after them. And we went after them. We went after who? The fucking Iraqis who had nothing to do with it? The innocent Iraqis or the innocent Afghanis who had nothing to do with 9-11? What the fuck are you talking about? You can say shit like that on TV still. You can say shit like that, but you can't call Obama Hitler.

You can't. 9-11 is the next really bad word, though. It's shocking. Like, this yogurt's 9-11. You're right. It's like, fuck. I think he's totally crossed the line, but he's a moron. He crossed the line on a moron

It's a moron premise The premise that this one guy is the one responsible For more bad things Than September 11th And he had some fucking crazy thing he was saying about self-reliance I'm no fan of this administration Or any administration But I'm also not a fan of people saying stupid shit

You know what I mean? That's stupid shit. Is it though? Now that I think about it, if he really wants to talk about what America's done overseas, maybe I guess if you want to talk about just the volume of people killed, but you can't attribute that all to Obama.

Do you get to a certain point where you, I mean, how old are you now? 38. Do you get to a certain point where you look at guys like Obama And you go well that guy is just a few fucking years older than me And this is like This is like my age People my age are running this whole thing And who the fuck are they?

What is this? I started doing that when people would leave my shows And I'd say thank you sir when they'd say great show And then I'd go I'm fucking older than that, too. Yeah, I'm a sir, too. Yeah, I'm a fucking sir. And then I started thinking, man, my friends are like, my friends have had great jobs, lost them, lost their house,

and then got good jobs again. Like, my friends are grown-ups. Yeah. But I'm a fucking child still. Yeah, well, you're allowed to be. You're a comedian. You're an entertainer. Yeah, 100%.

I'm totally, like, you know, I'm 100% irresponsible. But you know how you like look at, when you look at politicians, man, don't you look at them as being something different? I always look at them as being older, wiser, more experienced, more educated, more this, more that. But then as you get older and you realize, well, now I'm the same fucking age as them, you know? Obama was the guy that pulled the nice secretary over the side, I'm sure,

his first name. He was like, just tell me who to shake hands with. Just like everyone else. He's a regular fucking dude. Maybe. I don't believe that necessarily. I don't think you can get to that high level unless you're compromised. I'm over-exaggerating the statement. But he's like one of us. One of us.

If you get a job at a new place and they put you in your new office and the secretary comes in, she's like, would you like coffee? And he's like, look, it's my first day. He had to be like that to whoever his advisor was. Right. When they started unloading shit on him. So he's like a guy that you can relate to in a sense.

A hundred percent. Well, I feel like anybody 10 years younger than me and 10 years older than me in that group, I can relate to you. I know 10 years ago I remember that very well. And I can imagine 10 years from now group. I can relate to you. I know 10 years ago. I remember that very well. And I can imagine 10 years from now. So I can relate to that, but I don't, when, as I get to,

uh, an older age, like where I am right now, when I look at it, I'm gonna go there. I can't relate to any of these fucks. These aren't really me. They don't represent me.

These are, these are crazy people that are, you know, they're, they're, they're spokesperson for corporations. I don't know who fucking said this, but it was a brilliant line that,

uh, some comics said this, but it was a brilliant line that some comic said this, that politicians should be forced to wear jackets like NASCAR drivers so you can see their sponsors. Oh, that's fucking brilliant. It's fucking brilliant. I don't know who it was. Whoever it was that said that, bravo, sir

or ma'am. But you're trying to relate to them on age when in fact it's not. It's not age. It's mindset. I know. You're totally right relate to them on age, when in fact it's not. It's not age. It's mindset. I know. You're totally right. Ronald Reagan.

Perfect example. He was the president. He was the president. And he was like 60 years old or something, whatever he was when he was the president. And you saw him on TV. That's a wise guy who's been around. Yeah, and he's taken a bullet. He fucking can ride a horse. He can make a fence.

And then when he got in trouble with selling arms to Iran, I remember that. I remember being like, when he was like, I don't remember. I don't recall. When it was like all that on TV and everybody's saying, well, Ronald Reagan may be losing his mind. He's an older guy. And then he did. But how bizarre was that when he was on TV saying, I don't remember. I don't recall. Do you think he really didn't

remember? Do you think Alzheimer's was kicking in? Of course. He had Alzheimer's. Did he have it then? It's the only disease that doesn't make you remember. I think between Nancy Reagan and all the shit he knew, it was probably just a convenient way to check out. I wonder if he just faked his Alzheimer's. Why would he do that? He said, you know what?

I know too much. The best way to get out of this is just pretend like I'm fucking losing grip. That's so... You know the best thing about Ronald Reagan? Wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's go back to Ronald Reagan faking Alzheimer's. Did you imagine? Nancy Reagan's like, just say no, just say no, just say no.

He's like, okay, okay, okay, okay. I heard you, I heard you. What's your name again? I heard you. Who are you? Nancy? Who are you? Why are you here?

And then he just shows up. Where's my pudding? He shows up at the front door in his pajamas. She's like, Ronald, did you get it out of the house again? He's like, I was banging and pushing Did you sell arms to Iran? I don't know I don't recall We should eat shrooms and go to the Ronald Reagan Museum

There's a guy named Jamie Tingle Wait, I know who Jamie Tingle is Stand-up comic Very famous, very respected comic from Boston Back in 1988, I was just starting out doing comedy And I was an open mic-er And this was just when the scandal was breaking and he went on stage

and he goes, Mr. President, he goes, Lord knows I've forgotten some things I've done. You get home, you're hammered, you can't find your fucking keys, you don't know why your windows are open and the air conditioning is on and it's January. And he goes, but here's just

a little thing if you ever sell arms to people who hate us jot it down jot it down make a little note put it on your refrigerator I remember at the time I was like that is stand up

comedy like that guy he just nailed that is the essence of stand up comedy it is in a sense though cause he drew just nailed, that is the essence of stand-up comedy. It is in a sense, though. Because he drew the picture. Even you doing the impression of him, I pictured a two-story Boston flat with the windows open and the keys locked. I might have even made up all the other stuff.

I don't remember the bit. But that's how those guys worked back then. And then you know, because what the best part of that joke is, is at the end, you're like, what's the punch I'm going to be? Write it down. Write it down. The way it's fucking brilliant. That is stand-up, right?

It's like making a point and having it be funny. How did you get me from A to B in a way that no one else? In a sneaky way. Yeah. Yeah, you sneak it in. Did you just make a little raindrop? An effect? I centered you more in that position.

Did you make a raindrop effect? Has my camera been on these beers this entire time? No, it's just on your nipples. What do you worry about that stack of fucking beers in front of you? It's four, Joe. Telling? It's four. It's nothing, right?

No, it's four. We're having a conversation. Nothing wrong with it. Dude, nothing. There's nothing wrong with it. I told you. It's worth it. Booze is good.

I have a card I need to give you, though. The doctor will help you out. A card? Oh, we're indoctrinating you. Oh, what's that? He's pretending that this is an intervention. He's pretending. All right, you got to pee, Brian?

Okay. Brian, why don't you go pee, then? I've already peed once. I'm tired of peeing. You're kind of a little girl. I got to pee, too. I got to pee, three. Should we just end this thing?

Or drink our piss. Oh! Let's drink each other's pee. No, I have way our piss. Oh! Let's drink our each other's pee. I wanted to do that from the last time. No, I have way too much piss inside me. Let's drink each other's pee. Wow, Brian, that's gay. It's one thing to drink your own pee.

It's another thing to drink somebody else's. That's out of line. What's going on, Bert? Where are you this weekend? Where can you plug? I'm in Phoenix. Phoenix? At Stand Up Live.

That's that giant place, huh? Yeah, I haven't been how many piece how many people is that seat uh for me probably 150 a show that's a giant ass fucking place yeah yeah i heard it's everyone loves it i think it's like 600 yeah the guy who owns the um west palm improv west palm miami and fort lauderdale yeah he owns a lot of them hollywood right hollywood florida he owns that one too is that fort lauderdale. Yeah, he owns a lot of them. Hollywood, right? Hollywood, Florida. He owns that one too. Is that Fort Lauderdale? What is that one? Fort Lauderdale is Hollywood.

Yeah, it's Hollywood, right? And then I'm in Fort Lauderdale. Hard Rock Casino? Yeah, I'm in Fort Lauderdale. The documentary starts filming on Thursday when I leave to go to the date, and then it ends in Tampa on New Year's Eve. But we're doing all the way up until my New York dates. Okay.

So if people want to find you, it's Bert Kreischer. K-R-E-I-S-C-H-E-R on Twitter. B-E-R-T-K-R-E-I-S-C-H-E-R And BertBertBert.com is his website. Yes. And this weekend I'm at the Ontario Improv

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with Joey Diaz and Brendan Walsh. And we're fired up, bitches. And it's almost sold out. Did Brendan get back from Austin? Yeah, he made it back. He made it back. He fell asleep.

Poor Brendan. I tried to wake him up. We were out drinking the night before. And listen, man, you got to fucking keep a five-hour energy drink on standby. You got to throw cold water in your face. You got to pack before you go to bed. Don't try to lie down. Don't try to lie down, then wake up five minutes before and throw all your shit in it. You'll never do it. You got to learn how to travel. You in your face. You've got to pack before you go to bed. Don't try to lie down. Don't try to lie down, then wake up five minutes before

and throw all your shit in it. You'll never do it. You've got to learn how to travel. You've got to learn. You've got to learn. Anyway, Brendan's here, and he'll be with us this weekend at the Ontario Improv. That's Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. And again, that's almost all the shows were half sold out today. And that's it. We'll be back on Thursday with somebody.

I've got an author we're going to do and talk about the power of the placebo effect. That should be very interesting. I thought you were going to say pussy. Brian, what do you got going on? Nothing. Do you have a message for anybody? Please join my Twitter, Twitter,

RedBan, or subscribe to us on iTunes, Death Squad. We have Brody, Stevens, and Esther have their show now together. I put the two misfits of Death Squad together into one show. It's working out. Nice. And follow that on Twitter. That's it, freaks. So we'll see you on Thursday.

Thank you, everybody, for everything. And love you, bitches. See you soon. Bye-bye. Thank you.