The Joe Rogan Experience - #1450 - Brian Redban

Episode Date: March 31, 2020

Brian Redban is a comedian and the founder of the Deathsquad podcast network. Also look for him on "Kill Tony" available on Spotify under "Deathsquad".

Yee-haw! How you hanging in there, fella? Great, man. I think these things are gonna annoy a lot of people. If you're listening, we're wearing aluminum foil. We're wearing spacesuits. God, they're so crunchy. There's not many left for me to get.

This is dope. This is my favorite one. I like the orange one for some strange reason. The white one just seems like I'm a cleanup person. You know? Like you're doing some NASA cleanup. Like there's alien bodies you're trying to get rid of. But this feels like we're about to do something special.

Yeah. We're protected. Yeah. I just hope it doesn't start making us sweat and we lose like 100 pounds. This is the same shit that's on the outside of the lunar module Cheap looking Aluminum foil Looks like it was stuck on there with gum Heat shield

Whatever it is Whatever that fucking fake stuff is Or the alien You ever see the alien where he had to put that big sheet That was made out of this material at the very end You ever see that movie Is it Predator or Alien No the one with Matt Damon And he's like lost in space made out of this material at the very end. You ever see that movie? Was it Predator or Alien? No.

The one with Matt Damon, and he's lost in space. Martian. The Martian. The Martian. Jesus. Oh, yeah. Well, they have these for people that get lost hiking. They're blankets.

They'll keep you alive. You won't be cozy, but they'll keep you alive. They're like these real thin aluminum foil-looking blankets. Yeah. I guess they just retain heat pretty good. Right. Pretty good. You know, like you're not getting a good night's sleep, but you might stay alive.

Yeah. How are you holding up? I'm all right. Yeah? Yeah. You know, look, there's people that got it rough. The people that got it rough are, number one, medical workers. Anybody, you know, much love to anybody that's working in hospitals right now.

Doctors, nurses, everybody. Interns, everybody. Everybody. People working the desk. God damn, you guys have it rough. You know, those are the people, number one. Number two, anybody in the hospitality industry. People serving food, restaurants, bars. Grocery store workers.

Jesus. Yeah, they have it rough, but they have jobs. It's rough, but their jobs are still open. The thing that drives me crazy is there's so many restaurants where these people employed 50, 60 people. And restaurants are hard. It's hard to stay open when things are great. You know, restaurants are fucking, it's one of the number one businesses that fails. Like, what is the, see if you can find a statistic, but it's something crazy.

Like 70% of all restaurants fail within the first year. Because it's just fucking hard. Imagine running a restaurant. Especially what kind, like a chicken restaurant. Like everyone has chicken restaurants. Do you remember that great restaurant that was right next to the Ice House? We used to go there all the time. Yeah, it's gone now.

God, it was good. We got foie gras there. Oh, it was good. And the place that just replaced it just closed down. Look at this. They have a high failure rate, but knowing why can help the prospective owners. Around 60% of new restaurants fail within the first year, and nearly 80% shutter before their fifth anniversary. Wow.

80% in five years. So if you get a restaurant like Dantana's that's been open since like the 60s or something. Have you ever eaten at Dantana's, Jamie? No, I haven't. Have you ever eaten there? Where is that? You don't know where Dantana's is? Oh, my God, dude.

We need to do a dinner at Dantana's. Anytime. A post-store dinner at Dantana's, because Dantana's is open my god, dude, we need to do a dinner at Dantanas. Anytime. A post-store dinner at Dantanas because Dantanas is open, the kitchen is open until like midnight. It's phenomenal. Some of the best Italian food in all of LA. Wow. And it's on Santa Monica Boulevard, like on the border of

Boys Town. Wow. It's next to the Troubadour, right? Hey! Yeah, the Troubadour where I saw Everlast recently and Sturgill. Sturgill Simpson played the Troubadour too. Troubadour's dope saw Everlast recently and Sturgill. Sturgill Simpson played the Troubadour too. Troubadour is dope. I hope Everlast is doing okay with his daughter.

His daughter has, you know. He's being real smart, staying the fuck away from everybody. They're holed up and everybody's healthy. Last I spoke to him. Yeah, there it is. Dan Tanis. Bro, that place is the shit. They have phenomenal pasta.

They have excellent steaks. It's a really good old school restaurant that you go in there like it looks like they haven't done shit to that place since 1970. Everything's perfect. Like that. That's what it looks like inside. I have seen the place. It's amazing. Dude, it's so good.

It's so good. I love that old school Italian look, you know, with the red tablecloth. I ate there with Suzanne. Suzanne and I went to see Sturgill. And then afterwards we ate at D'Antana. So I was like, dude, I feel like we're real Hollywood. She got hold of, you know, Suzanne from Honey Honey. She got hold up in North Carolina.

Oh, gosh. Yeah, you know, her folks are down there. So she went down there and She's holed up. I know so many people are hope Nick Swartzen. He's holed up in Michigan, you know or Minnesota for rather where he's from, you know one of them M words, right? Well, I'm cold places and my friend David Minnesota kill Tony He was stuck in New York and he got out like the day before they just banned it like all travel out of New York But now no hanging out with David for a little bit yeah right give him 14 days hey man gotta

take your temperature Jamie's got somebody in his building yeah got an email yesterday I was gonna say they have a checkpoints they're showing videos of in Florida blocking people coming in from like New York yeah so many people flew down there to bail, and they brought that shit down there. Yeah, I was reading an article. I think it was in The Atlantic about people who are on the Cape, like Cape Cod in Boston, and they're mad that people who own summer houses out there are going to stay in their summer house. Like, hey, you fuck. This is where we live.

Don't bring your cooties over here. Yeah. But they live there too, man. They just own two houses. they still own the house you know just if you own two like how does that work you know like people want their isolation right because they live in their town but if somebody bought that house this is still america that's their fucking house yeah i get it you don't want a bunch of people coughing around you but they don't want a bunch of people coughing around you, but they don't want a bunch of people coughing around them either, which is why they went to the Cape in the first place.

Just everyone's scared. Burbank had like two cases. And then yesterday, just a retirement home right next to my house. Somebody got it and gave it just like 17 people. So we just went up with like a ton in Burbank. It just makes me wonder if like any of those people went to my grocery store because now I'm thinking about that.

I got to the overthinking where now I'm thinking about Postmates. I Postmate so much. What if the driver sneezes on my food? Or Amazon Box, like the cardboard box. Yeah, you've got to think if you Postmate that guy's going all over the place. They have to. They have to. And I doubt Postmates is

giving them spray and gloves and all that. This is like the craziest way to try to stop something from spreading. In massive cities where everybody travels, where everybody's connected to everybody. So even when you have everybody on lockdown, it's like you got fingers in the dike trying to hold up the holes in the dam, but water's still squirting through for sure. It's not like you open up the whole dam. Right. But you got to think of all the different people that have to work, just hospital workers. Them alone, man, they have to work.

The other thing I was reading in The Atlantic is another—I've been reading The Atlantic lately, apparently. Another article was they were talking about these doctors. They can't even test people. They can't use the test on them unless they meet certain criteria. And the doctor was like, he said, when these people come, they have a fever. They're they're coughing. And if they didn't have coronavirus before they got here, they probably do now. I was like, oh, my God. Jesus Christ. And we're not oh, my God. Jesus Christ.

And we're not even to the supposedly the middle part of all this. Yeah, and it's also, like, whose fault is it? Is it anybody's fault? It seems like no one has any idea what's going on. And to blame anybody. Definitely bad decisions were made. Whoever ate the first bat, Ozzie, whoever did it. I've been eating bats for a long time, man.

They're just like the Bee Gees down there trying to stay alive. I was reading an article about they said the lady who was patient zero that got it first, she thinks she got it from being in a stall next to it somehow. She didn't say she ate like a bat. Oh! She was in that market

and she was selling something else in there and being near it. Oh man, she was breathing bat air all day? 20 other people got up to her around her. That's the explanation I read yesterday. Don't know how true that was, but that's what I was thinking. Is there any reason for a bat to be a species still?

Can't we just wipe out bats? Well, they were talking about doing that with mosquitoes. But when you play God with an ecosystem, you don't know what the unintended consequences are. There's some good examples of that. You can't just do that. Even bringing

a new species to a place where it seems like the species is going to be fine has disastrous results most of the time. If it's not a part of the system like it's weird man like systems they they're they exist in nature and there's like all these strengths and weaknesses that balance each other out these animals that eat other animals and those animals animals eat certain plants and those certain plants they shit those plants out and helps fertilize other plants. And they got it down. They know what they're doing.

And you throw a Buffalo into that and everybody's like, everything gets fucked up. I mean, that's, that's what happened to Australia. You know, Australia and New Zealand are both crazy examples of that. Australia in particular,

because so many people live there. I mean, as many, almost as many people as live in LA live in Australia, which doesn't seem like a lot. Isn't Australia like they're not letting anyone leave? Yeah, I think they got it. I don't know.

Is that true? I thought I read that. They were locked down. They probably should. But anyway, Australia has wild cats, like house cats that they put out to kill some other thing that they put out to live over. They did a bunch of stupid shit like that. Like they have all these animals just roaming around. They have to kill them.

They have to chase them down and kill them. All these deer and all these different stags and these different animals. Sometimes they have to do with helicopters. They fly over and just gun them down because they don't have any predators. So these things just get to these preposterous proportions. Look at Japanese beetles. They came from Japan, and they fuck up our country every seven years. They come in town and just – do you guys ever have beetles in L.A.?

I don't know, like where you have to get those beetle bags. Well, they get those bark beetles that fucked up Big Bear. Yeah. You know those bark beetles? They kill all the trees. Yeah, they kill a certain large number of those trees. And because we're scared of fire, for good reasons, we never let fires happen. So those trees in nature, they're supposed to burn down.

And it's supposed to— like, everything's supposed to recover. And the burn actually helps the trees grow. You know, again, it's a system. It's been in place for a million years. But we're like, we're better than this. We're smarter. We know what we're going to do. We're just going to, ah, some beetles got over there on a boat.

Who gives a shit? Some plants got in someone's boot. The seeds were in the cracks of someone's boot and wound up in the forest. And this new invasive species crops up and chokes out all the native plants. It happens all the time. What's that stuff that's in the south? We talked about it one time. It covers everything.

Some crazy growth that I believe it's from Asia originally, and it made it down. Someone was explaining it to me, and I remember I was blown away because I'd never heard about it. It's like a mold? No, it's like a vine that covers everything. It's like trees that cover other trees. They choke out all the life.

They take away all the oxygen and sun. Not ivory. Oxygen. Trees don't even breathe oxygen. What am I talking about? Kudzu. Yeah, that's the stuff. Pull up a picture of that shit.

It takes over a whole forest. Jesus. Yeah, it's weird. I never even heard about it until like three or four years ago. Someone on the podcast brought it up and I was like, what? I wonder if I've seen it before.

What is this? Look at that. Dude, that stuff just takes over. So it's growing over trees. Grows over everything. Wow, that looks like ghosts. Yeah, it's like an alien thing that decides it's going to overcome everything in its environment and completely take over other trees.

At least it looks okay. It looks dope. It looks dope. But it's weird, dude. Things like that are weird. Because if that was an animal doing that to other animals, we'd be freaked out. If we let these rats loose and the rats were chasing down people's cows and killing all these people's cows, we'd be like, what the fuck is going on?

Oh, these rats just live around cows and consume them. But we see trees getting consumed. If you've never seen these photos, the stuff's spelled K-U-D-Z-U. And it's... That was... Was that in the Mississippi? Was that where the photo was from? That last photo? Yeah, I think so, yeah. Somewhere in the south.

And I don't know when this shit... See if you can find the history. When it was introduced... Oh, it's in Portland, Oregon, too. Whoa. That name sounds like it came in Portland, Oregon, too. Whoa. That name sounds like it came from Asia, like Caduzza. Yeah. Japanese. Japanese, yeah.

God damn, you and your Beatles. When was it brought over here? That stuff is just dominating wherever it is. It's weird. Especially when something like this is going on, like we're dealing with coronavirus, It's when, especially when something like this is going on, like we're dealing with coronavirus and you stop and think about the things that get 1876 centennial exposition in Philadelphia. That's when kudzu was introduced from Japan at the United States at the Japanese pavilion

1876. So from 1876, that shit took the fuck off. Is there anything you could do? Like eat it or cook it or smoke it? I don't know. Good question. That picture that Jamie had, the last picture about Portland, was talking about an eradication. They're trying to eradicate it.

But how do you eradicate all that stuff? There's so much of it. They used camo to cover up tanks and shit. Yeah, in World War II. That makes sense. Yeah. Oh, my God. You'd hide in that stuff perfect. You'd never be able to see what in World War II. That makes sense. Yeah. Oh, my God. You'd hide in that stuff.

Perfect. You'd never be able to see what the fuck anything is. There we go. Yeah. You can kind of eat it. It says it contains a starch, and the flour can be made into a jelly. Whoa.

It's been used as a food ingredient in East Asia. In Vietnam, the starch called, say that, bat san de? What do you think? Bac Son De. Bac Son De. It's flavored with pomelo and then used as a drink in the summer. Huh.

Yeah. There you go. But it's a life form that's killing another life form, taking over massive swaths of land. And it makes me think about this coronavirus. You know, that's another different, I mean, it's not a life form. It's a virus, technically. But it's obviously a thing that grows and wants life and kills and consumes bodies and takes over. And it's so easy to pass, I guess.

Like, people are talking about how, like, if you let somebody pet your dog, like, if you're walking your dog and somebody goes, oh, no, and pets your dog. And it stays on the dog. And then it's on your dog. Jesus Christ. Or like these jewels. You put your jewel down on a table. You don't even think about it. Then you put it right in your mouth.

You called it a dirty straw the other day. Exactly. You're just holding a dirty straw. You have that dirty straw in your pocket all the time. It's always rubbing up against your lint and your gum. Yeah. Luckily, these things, the ends are replaceable. Just throw it away every five minutes.

You should have a giant gym bag of them. My girlfriend just got one of those phone cleaners where you put your phone in and it has the UV light. So now I'm putting everything in. I'm putting jewels, car keys. It's a good move. It's a good move. I had heard about those before. I didn't know there was a thing that I found out about called a Steri-Stick.

And they use it when they go backcountry hiking and stuff and camping. And it purifies water with a stick. Like it's an electrolyte band. And you stick it into this UV light. And you stick it into this. It's like a straw looking thing. A life straw. Yeah, like a lightsaber.

Remember those kids' lightsabers? Right. That's what it looks like, with the clear on the outside. And you just spit, see if you can find one of those fucking things. I wouldn't trust that. And apparently the light kills all the bacteria, but it doesn't filter the taste. It still tastes like donkey piss. Yeah, you still get little grits of.

Yeah. I mean, if you get lucky, you get a clean stream. You just run that through it, and it doesn't alter the taste of the water, which is nice. I don't know how it's working. Yeah, there's other ones, the life straws, where you can just sit there and drink urine through a straw, and it cleans it. Now, I would trust that more than just a light. Well, those get clogged up, man, and sometimes they leak. Sometimes people get giardia from those filters. They don't clean them good enough, and they get clogged up with poo which is what Giardia is

You're basically getting a disease that comes out of gopher shit. They call it beaver fever Yeah, I Wonder if this corona is gonna kill joint circles because like now that seems insane Just go out in the back of the comedy store with 20 dirty comics yeah so that fucking thing that little lightsaber thing stary stick that can see what does it say as far as how quick it does it this is an article about this

first that straw like this stary pen a small pen like electronic device that emits an ultraviolet light and purifies either half a liter or one full liter of water at a time. The device operates on batteries and works with clean water by killing the DNA of harmful microbes and bacteria. What?

How weird is that? I wonder how long it takes, though, because I know the phone cleaner takes like 10 minutes. One minute later? That doesn't seem right. The phone cleaner takes like 10 minutes. One minute later? That doesn't seem right. So once the water is safe to drink, about one minute later, the light turns off and flashes green.

One minute? That's insane. I wonder if they tested it. They should test it. Yeah, you drank it, bitch. I remember there was this one executive, and he was talking about how safe glyphosate is that's roundup that that stuff that they're now proving causes cancer proving and lawsuits have been settled and you know it's it's a it's not good for you to consume and this guy had a glass of it he's like you could drink it

instead of the guy's like go ahead drink it he wouldn't drink it he's like you could drink and brought a glass of it like bitch drink it did you see the guy that they just arrested for selling the coronavirus pill that supposedly kills the coronavirus? He reminds me of that old bodybuilding guy. What's that? Dan or whatever that used to sell fake. Oh, one of the back of the book guys? Yeah. Yeah.

But if you look at this guy, he looks like he's selling. Well, there was some preachers that were selling it. Like Jim Baker was selling a coronavirus cure. They straight up arrested this guy, though. He looks like a meathead. They say there's nothing. With the chloroquine, there's no studies, right? There's no definitive tests, but they're still letting people try it.

Is that what's going on with that? I think so. The couple that died took the wrong shit. Yeah, they took like poison. Yeah, clean algae Bacteria killer it's that's for fucking koi ponds. Yeah, it's poison. They took poison. Yeah, they died from taking poison They miss read or misunderstood or something the media today is kind of spooky with their hatred of Trump is getting in the way of the accuracy of some people's reporting of the news. And that's a perfect example. By resorting to clickbait and saying that they heard it from Trump,

that's not what he said. What he's talking about is a different kind of chloroquine. There's more than one different kind of it, right? Right. But if they just said real simply that these people died, please be careful. There is more than one different kind of chloroquine and chloroquine hasn't been shown definitively to work yet. And it's not necessarily safe to take. If they said that, that would be great. But instead they had to say the

president told people to take it, but that's not what he said. What he said is that there's hope and we're hoping that this could be a cure or this could be a treatment. That's what he said. But that's what everybody's saying. Like if you go and read articles about that, when doctors are talking about potential treatments, there's a bunch of different ones. There's IV, vitamin C. There's chloroquine. So it's this chloroquine, which is like an old-school malaria medication, and then Z-Pax. They're talking about, what is that called? Zethromythin?

How do you say that? I don't know. You know, but that antibiotic. They're saying that that may have some effect. But these are made. You know, that's what they're saying. Like, it's people who are scrambling for an answer, who are trying to help people, not sure if this is, you know,

definitely going to work or not going to work, but it shows some promise. That's what Trump talked about. Like, you can't give him a hard time for talking about what doctors are talking about because legitimate people are talking about that combination of things. Like, just because you hate Trump,

you can't distort this and make it seem like Trump did something irresponsible by talking about this hopeful disease medication, and these people took the wrong version of it and died. It's a cautionary tale. It's not a chance to shit on Trump. But everything's a chance to shit on Trump. It's so exhausting.

It's fucking weird, man. Well, have you seen his ratings? It's silly. it's just it's it's fucking weird man well have you seen his ratings i don't it's silly he's silly there's no doubt he does silly shit but he's gotten a lot better at handling um confrontational conversations with reporters you know i was watching this one uh yesterday and this reporter was uh asking him. She asked him about a few things, but she asked about people dying because of the economy failing and him talking about like, is there anyone that could speak to this?

She says, she's playing a game, right? The game is she knows there's no real data that shows if they do that, this will happen. If the economy crashes the way they anticipated crashing and all these people are out of work for an extended period of time, X amount of people will kill themselves. But we for sure know that economic despair is a reason why some people go into depression. Depression is a reason why some people kill themselves.

These are all facts that we all know. Like maybe you can't pull that out of your ass when you're standing in front of a podium and you're addressing people and they're calling you out on this. What she was saying correctly is we can't put money ahead of people's lives. The correct thing by most people's account is for at least some period of time separating everybody, maintaining this distance, and putting a stop to the number of viruses or number of people to get infected. But what he's saying is there's also a factor that we have to consider that all these people out of work could lead to suicide. It could lead to drug addiction. And he's right. And you know, he's right. We all know he's right. That's not, that's irrefutable. When people's lives fall

apart through the unexpected circumstances, some people are hanging on by a fucking thread and that comes along and it doesn't mean that does happen to people. We all know that to be true. Just because you hate Trump, you can't pretend that this isn't going to be rough for people. Or you can't pretend that him saying that this can cause a loss of life, too. I think the problem might have been he might have said maybe more life. There's no evidence of that. That's true. There's no evidence that it might cause more loss of life.

I think also we grew up always listening at a stressful time when the president came on, you felt comforted, like his tone of voice, how he acted, you always kind of felt safer. And I think when it comes to Trump, you're just like, hey, hey, fuck you, you know, and this kind of shit. How's it going? Get out of here.

That's the worst Trump impression ever. Hey, hey, fuck you. He does kind of remind me of like, you know me of a New York or a New Jersey guy. Get this, cock sack. Well, I mean, he kind of is. He's a New York real estate mogul. You have to have a certain amount of that to thrive in New York City. New York people are a unique breed.

Bro, who got hit harder than them? They've already lost more than a thousand people as of this morning yeah that's that place has got it bad because they're all stacked on top of each other you know it's one of the things unfortunately that makes new york awesome new york you're just immersed you know you're immersed in people you know you walk down the street in new york and just fucking people are everywhere man they're coming at. You're coming at them. It's wild. It's a different kind of way of living. I get it. All the people that love it. You know, my friend Jeff, he's lived there forever since I met him. He's my manager and he fucking loves it. Loves New York. Just loves it. Loves knowing all the good spots,

you know, loves knowing how to get around the subway. He doesn't even need a map. He loves it. He loves it. I go there. I'm like, Jesus Christ. I just go and I go, wah, whoo, and let me jump off that ride. That's how I feel about New York. Me too.

Bah! But it's great. It's great. And I get it that you would want to live there. I get it. Especially like creative types. But Judah Friedlander was telling us it's like all bankers now. He goes it's so

fucking expensive to live in Manhattan. It's not like this giant artist community anymore. Everybody's sort of been pushed out to Brooklyn and pushed out to the other boroughs. It's so expensive. I looked up somebody like a celebrity accidentally put out his address the other day and I was like oh I want to know what he lives

in. He lives in that little two bedroom apartment. 3.7 million other day and I was like oh I want to know what he lives you know he lives in that little two bedroom apartment 3.7 million dollars and I was just like what that's so crazy because he

yeah he's been blogging from it and it just looks like a basic apartment 40 minutes out of Nashville 2.7 3.7 is that what you said

how much 3.7 3.7 million dollars will buy you a god damn farm you could have a giant ass farm with like 400 acres of land and a beautiful house with a view. Maybe you have a creek in your backyard.

That's what you get for $3.7 million. You're not supposed to get a fucking apartment. No. Basic apartment. It's in that Chelsea district. Is that a good spot? I guess. I don't know anything about New York.

Yeah. I know that one spot that was really good that everybody's trying to convince me I should move to flooded. What's that one spot down in the base of New York? What's that one place where they all love it? Financial district down there? Yeah. But there's an area down there that's like real ritzy.

Meat packing district? Yeah, but they don't call it that. It's got another name. Hell's Kitchen? No, no, no. Okay, I don't know. You sure it's not Chelsea? No, it's not that. I know people in New York are screaming right now. I don't live there but they don't call it that. It's got another name. Hell's Kitchen? No, no, no. Okay, I don't know.

You sure it's not Chelsea? No, it's not that. I know people in New York are screaming right now. I don't live there. I don't know. I'll remember later. But it flooded. Like, real bad.

Like, my friend's elevator had seven feet of water in it. Oh, God. Yeah, like your lobby. You go into the lobby, it was filled with water. It starts with a T? God damn it. It's driving me crazy. Tristina. Fuck!

Tribeca? Yes! Thank you. Oh my God. It's all in the same area. It's pretty close. I barely made it through. It's a whole box of water. We went there to visit once back in the Disney when my older daughter was going to college and when we drove around to see what it'd be like to live in New York, we were like

you guys are high. You can't even park. There's nowhere to park. If you want a parking spot, it costs you like $2,000 a month. That's kind of it. Maybe because if you don't like cars, you'd like New York better. But if you have a car. Yeah.

Well, there's freedom that we have. There's a freedom of just being able to get in your car and just drive down to a deli at 1 in the morning and park and get out with your friends. There's that freedom that you have to just go wherever you want with cars. Once you get used to that and you get used to not being on top of people, like the subway, you get spoiled. You get spoiled. But there's a benefit to being on top of people, too. New York is way more diverse in terms of the way people interact with each other. Rich people are walking down the street with poor people are walking up the street and

everybody's together. There's no everybody together in LA. There's no time where everybody just intermingles. It's like people stay in their neighborhoods or they go out to bars and restaurants and they go back to their neighborhoods. They're not walking past each other for prolonged periods of time to and from work, in the neighborhood, going from place to place, just walking around. It's kind of ironic that the most urban place is the place where the people walk the most. Kind of ironic, right?

I mean, any place that's less urban, everybody just drives everywhere. Because it's easier to just get in your car and drive somewhere. But there, it's so hard to park. Everybody just walks. Imagine if everybody in New York had a car. That would be the most ridiculous thing ever. You actually couldn't do it, right? No.

How many million people are in New York? In Manhattan. Just Manhattan. That live there? Yeah. What do you think? Seven? No, it's less than that because Brooklyn's way bigger.

Really? Yeah. I mean, most people are driving into the city to work for the day and then they leave. Let's take a bet. I bet it's more than that. I bet it's five. At least five. I just heard a discussion about it the other day.

Oh, what'd you hear it on? Some guy's talking about how Brooklyn, if it was on its own, not part of the boroughs, it would be like the fifth largest city in the country. Is this guy just someone hanging out with you? No, no, no. Like it was a podcast discussion. Oh. They live in New York and they're just talking about it.

That's the problem. I heard. This I heard shit. Let's Google it. I say five million. What do you say? 3.7. Oh, that's a good hedge your bet move.

And you say two? How many people live in Manhattan? Yeah, yeah. Full-time residents. Less than a million. What do you say? 3.7. Oh, that's a good hedge your bet move. How many people live in Manhattan? Yeah, full-time residents. Wow. Holy shit. That doesn't seem right. It's not that big. Manhattan? Manhattan, like the borough, or all of New York City? No, just Manhattan. Just Manhattan.

I bet it's bigger than that. It's like a Burbank. At night, everyone leaves. There's no one actually that lives there. There's no way it's a million. There's no way it's a million. There's so many people that live there. 1.6. Wow. Oh, my God.

That's bonkers. Is that in the 30s? 2020. 1930s. 1.6. And how many visit there to work every day? That's got to be fucking stupendous. What do you guess? Every day. 3.6. And how many visit there to work every day? That's got to be fucking stupendous. What do you guess?

Every day. 3.7. I'm saying 5 million visitors. How many? 65.2 million tourists in a year. Oh, but that's tourists. I mean, commuters. Like work there.

How many people do you think commute there every day? 3.7. It's an interesting life, man. And those people that love it when they go somewhere else. 1.6 to 3.1 commute every day. So it doubles. Oh, that's it, huh? 3.1.

Wow. I would have guessed it would be. I would have guessed that Manhattan was like 7 million people. What is like the whole of New York City, all the boroughs together? That's what it is. It's like close to like 10 or 11, 12 when you get everything all together. But Manhattan itself is a lot of fucking rich people. See some of the places that are for sale in Manhattan.

I don't know what happened, but I got on a YouTube thing where I started watching these ridiculous apartment buildings in New York City that they build. where I started watching these ridiculous apartment buildings in New York City that they build, where they build them specifically for, like, you know, some crazy Arab oil dude who's got a shit ton of money, wants the dopest fucking house on the planet Earth, or some hedge fund guy who's about to get busted before he wants to go out with a bang

and spend all his money. But they have elevators and fucking theaters and huge home spas, and some of them actually have garages. You can actually park in a garage in New York City. Wow. And they show us like the crowning jewel of this building, a garage. You actually can park your car in New York City.

I'm like, wow, what is wrong? What did you do? Yeah. It's weird being on Facebook. My friend's a realtor, and he'll just post like, oh, here's an eight-bedroom unit in Texas, $200,000. And you're just looking at like, that's Scarface's house. Like, I want to buy that. Yeah, you'd have to.

If you lived in Texas, would you go Austin? There's two moves. No, there's three moves, really. Right. There's Austin. If you're like, yeah, I want a hand tattoo. Yeah. Yeah, I love craft beer, and I like going to see live bands.

Or you're Houston, where it's like you really love oil money. Or Dallas. I would definitely not do Houston because of the weather. Too funky? Yeah, it's too humid out there. Summer gets hot. And it's too much drown, like flooding lately. They do flood.

They're out of control. Like my ex-girlfriend's house, her parents' house got flooded like four times. They rebuilt it and then it got flooded, rebuilt it. Remember that one time when we were at the laugh stop and after we left, the entire city went underwater. Like the hotel where we were staying at doesn't exist anymore because it went underwater. Yeah

Dallas is the move I think it's the laughs up Yeah, Dallas is my my favorite you could always drive to Austin then you can get out before anybody just annoys you and Dallas is Pretty close to Los Angeles. It's got a lot of money and it's very rich And so everywhere you go it feels very LA and they have less healers per capita. Yeah And they have less healers per capita. Yeah. You know what I mean? Don't get me wrong.

I fucking love Austin. I love Austin. But there's a high percentage of knuckleheads that are like wrapped up in the spiritual sort of aspects of nonsense. Takes one rock store to ruin that, though. One crystal store. Oh, my God. One person who's a channeler was doing seances at their house. You think their business is picking up right now? No.

Protecting people. No, people need money. People need money. They're not going to spend their fucking money on some nonsense. In the back of their head, they know it was nonsense. You're hearing way, way, way, way, way less people complain about nonsense right now you know you don't you don't hear the the standard outrage at stupid shit what you're hearing now is people really concerned about people's lives you know and i'm hoping that this is gonna last that this

feeling of understanding that we are really vulnerable we're all we're in this together we really are you know and sometimes it takes something like this to happen where you go, oh, shit. But no, we really are. We're in this together. We just didn't realize it because it was easy. It was easy to get by. It's really cool seeing the neighborhood aspect of it.

I don't know if you're on Nextdoor. I'd tell you're on Nextdoor. That'd be hilarious. But Nextdoor, it's a Reddit thread for your neighborhood. And just hearing people like, hey, does anyone have toilet paper? And somebody's like, oh, I'll drop off lemons, my lemon tree. Just helping each other out. It's pretty beautiful.

It didn't happen before this. It's very cool. It's funny you say lemons. My Nextdoor neighbor, she was handing out lemons yesterday. She had a bucket, free lemons. Come take some lemons. Just set it out in front of the house. Yeah, there's, um,

there's good parts to being scared. You realize, you know, people get cocky, man. It's one of the reasons why I like weed. One of the, like, I've talked about this and people think I'm kidding, but one of the reasons why I like weed is it makes me paranoid. I like it. I can get

cocky. People get cocky. You get confused. You can start believing some pretty stupid things about just life in general if you're not humbled by a little fear sometimes, just a little nervousness, just a little anxiety, just a little look up at the sky. What would we do if an asteroid shower just came down unannounced and just completely wiped out the power grid? You want to talk about death and disease?

What we're experiencing now is this is a fucking dry run for a real apocalyptic event. This is nothing. This is nothing in comparison to stuff that could happen. We got cocky. We didn't think it could happen because nothing had happened in so long. And we'd find these craters and be like, huh. Look, we found a spot where everybody

died in, you know, 200,000 years ago. Oh, look, here's a spot where the dinosaurs were killed 65 million years ago. There's all these spots where they keep finding these gigantic fucking craters. Here's where Noah's Ark crashed. Yeah, exactly.

People that are really just looking for Noah's Ark, you missed the point. Remember that guy from a long time ago that made the video, Noah's Ark? Oh, yeah, yeah. I wonder what happened to that guy. Didn't that guy want us to go look at it? Yeah. You're like, what are you going to show me, a big boat? Didn't that guy want us to go look at it? Yeah, you're like what are you gonna show me a big boat?

I'm like bro, but if you're coming to me You already fucked up. You know you're coming to me to release your Noah's Ark information This is I don't think this is real sir, but what I think the Noah's Ark story is Look you just have to put it through the filter of time, right? We're talking about thousands and thousands of years ago. And we're talking about people likely telling a story for hundreds, if not thousands of years before it ever gets written down. And all these different versions of it get tossed around. But the heart of theah's ark story is a cataclysmic event happens and this one guy collects a bunch of animals and he restarts civilization that is

you could easily put that through the filter of interpretation and say i bet what happened was there was a small group of people that survived some sort of massive cataclysmic event. And one guy convinced someone or they made it up that he knew it was coming and that God had been talking to him. So that's why he was able to lead everybody. And then after they tell the story 3,000 different times, it gets all whacked out. And God comes down and tells him, Noah, you got to build a boat. So he builds this boat and

everybody laughs at him and he brings on two of each animal. It's the dumbest story ever. But it's a story that clearly it's not a real story. Because I had that bit about if you told that to a five-year-old kid with a mental handicap, he would be like, there's a lot of holes in that story. Remember that bit? Yeah, I love that bit. That bit was, but the accuracy of it is like animals eat other animals. You can't just have two of each animal on a boat. That's ridiculous.

That doesn't make any sense. That makes zero sense. Like, what are you doing? Why are you lying to me? Something else happened. But what they're trying to say is some animal survived and civilization restarted. They didn't know how big the world was back then. People 4,000 years ago or whatever it was when they first wrote these stories down or even had these ideas, those people had no idea how big the world was. They were in their spot. If some

shit went down in your spot, you thought the world was ending. You know, can you imagine if you're living near Pompeii when that Mount Vesuvius blows and the whole fucking town gets covered in ash and everybody dies? Imagine if you live in anywhere near there. You would think that hell just broke out in the world. You wouldn't think, oh, in Thailand right now, they're just chilling on the beach. You wouldn't think that. You would think it's over like this for everyone everywhere. Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, in fucking New Zealand,

they didn't even know it happened. They had no idea. They're just hanging out. Meanwhile, these people are dead as fuck, covered in ash. Over in New Zealand, they're just hanging out. That's how the world is. The world's huge. And if some shit goes down in one part

Back then you didn't know so if you one of the people survived when some shit went down You would write about it and then people would talk and they tell that story and they pass it on to other people and they pass it on to other People and somewhere through these stories They figured out there's like a framework in here for telling people that shit could go down and that we have to work together and that we have to believe in a higher power. And that if you believe in a higher power and you believe in something else that's bigger and better than you, you'll do better things while you're here. You know? It's so obvious. Obviously I could be wrong too.

But that's my take on it. And I think we've just had this giant stretch where none of those things happened. We've had a couple of hundred years of pretty easy life in terms of natural disasters. You've got your occasional hurricane. Again, if you were there, you would think it's hell. Where the tornado hits. When we're chilling here in L.A. and a tornado hits Louisiana, we feel bad. You see all 36 people die in a tornado.

We feel bad. But you don't feel it. You don't know the sky monster is coming to take your loved ones. But if you're there, that sky monster is a real thing. It's a sky monster. Just because it doesn't have fangs, just because it doesn't laugh at you while it's ripping your family apart and throwing fucking bathtubs in the air. your family apart and throwing fucking bath tubs in the air and you ever seen there's one video of a semi like a semi truck spinning in the sky is it twisted through the city in the sky no no no no it was really really yes yeah it hit it

hit that's hilarious it hit a parking area for semi-trucks, and these semi-trucks were literally getting flown around in the air. Oh, shit. Yeah. I think we found this before. Dude, it might be Twister. Was Helen Hunt in it? No, no, no. There it is.

Okay. Look at this. It's flying in the air. Oh, my God. Look at that. It's just like Twister. It's just like Twister, but it's real, and it's metal. Dude, this is probably several thousand pounds.

And they're just getting flown through the air by the sky monster. Now imagine if a huge dinosaur came through town and did the exact same amount of damage, killed the exact same amount of people. You'd be like, fucking Godzilla's real. Oh, shit. It's a fucking lizard monster. But we're not scared of the sky monster the way we are the lizard monster You would never live in the land where the lizard monster comes and he just disappears

He just goes back up in the clouds see him in them over the mountains You know he's coming you're like fuck we got to get out of here That's just like the sky monster, but he doesn't chase you sky monsters blind He just whatever's in his path if he gets lucky and catches a town, he just rips that fucker apart. But if he just goes through the swamp and sends alligators into the air, he doesn't give a fuck. Sky Monster's just doing Sky Monster type shit. He's not targeting specific individuals. But the lizard monster would.

That's the only difference. Are you talking like if Godzilla's real? Yes. If Godzilla's real and he only went to Louisiana, who the fuck is going to live in Louisiana? Imagine if Godzilla's proven Godzilla's never gone outside only went to Louisiana. Who the fuck is going to live in Louisiana? Imagine if Godzilla has proven Godzilla has never gone outside the boundaries of Louisiana. You go to Louisiana. Everybody's

running from Godzilla. No one in the movies leaves Tokyo. They stay there. They're just like, hey, Godzilla's back. Have you ever been to Tokyo? Brian and I went to Tokyo. It's pretty dope. I miss Tokyo. I hope I can go one day. Maybe. If it's still there. That'd be fun to edit Godzilla into all these tornado movies. But if you think about it, man, this virus, I've been saying this about all viruses, that

diseases are like demons. You know? And we just, if we were losing, like, have you seen the numbers too? This is something that my friend Steve, who's a doctor, sent me. And this is a fucking fucking a series of crazy statistics but um the crazy statistics about how many people die like it puts it into perspective i mean and all life lost is valuable all life loss is a tragedy i'm not saying anything other than that but what i'm just i'm not diminishing anyone's loss of life.

But what I am saying is I was stunned when I saw the actual numbers. So 2017 to 2018, H2N3 pandemic killed 61,000 Americans. Did you know that? I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. Did you know that, Jamie? I've heard numbers like that recently, yeah, but not before. 2017 to 2018.

Hospitalized 30,453 and estimated affected was 894,700 people by that flu. That's crazy. Overall death rate was 7.5 with a peak in January 2018 of 10.8. Again, I'm a moron, not a doctor, reading you a text message. Maybe I shouldn't be doing that. Maybe someone should look into this. 2009 pandemic. Now, this is the one that Bert said he had.

He said the H1N1 killed 83,300 Americans. Death rates range from 4% to 33% for pediatric. 0 to 22% for 18 to 64. For 0 to 4% for those over 65. Man, this is crazy. U.S. cases, 60.8 million, 274,000 hospitalized, 12,469 deaths in the U.S. Like, I'm just going over all these different ones that happened. Flu of the year of 2020, cases reported, 45 million hospitalizations, 415,000 deaths, 48,000.

That's for the 2020 flu, this flu season. There's so many people that die of the flu. But obviously, when you see healthcare workers freaking out, you know this is different. So what is different about it? It's all at the same time. Yeah, it's all at the same time. It's new. It's a new virus.

People don't have immunity for it. They don't really know how to cure it. And it at the same time. It's new. It's a new virus. People don't have immunity for it. They don't really know how to cure it. And it attacks the respiratory system. And it seems to have a real quick turnaround from I'm not feeling so good to I'm dead. You know, it happens very quickly for some people, shockingly so. And it seems to affect different people in different ways. Like there's a lot going on with this one that has smart people going, we need to fucking stay home for a bit.

Just everybody chill. No large gatherings. Just chill. Do you ever get the flu shot every year? I mean, I feel like I get the flu almost every year, but I never do the flu shot. Maybe you should do the other thing. I don't know.

I didn't get it last year. I don't get the flu shot. Yeah. Yeah. Is that a bad idea?, I didn't get it last year. I don't get the flu shot. Yeah. Yeah. Is that a bad idea? It seems like it's a bad idea. I've survived and been healthy, but just eating well and not getting the flu shot, and then making sure I'm in the sauna and I exercise well and sleep well,

and I've been able to shake it off. But it's a good move. It's probably, I probably should get the flu shot. And if I got the flu again, maybe I'd be like, fuck, man, I should have got the flu shot. Let me just get that flu shot. But, I mean, whether it's diet or whether it's all the shit I'm on, all the different vitamins and hormones and the fact that I'm in the fucking sauna for 25 minutes every day, but I rarely get sick. It seems like you would get it more just because you're around, like, you know, gyms and saunas and, like, places where there's a lot of sweat.

The only cooties I've gotten in the gym that scare me is staff. I've gotten staff a couple of times. That scares me. Did you ever get ringworm? Yeah, I got that a bunch of times. I got that twice at least, maybe three times, which is not that bad. You put Lamisil on it, stay off the mat for a little bit. And then the products that I started using prevented or saved me from that.

It's a company called Defense Soap. Yeah, I use that. It's the shit because it's all natural stuff. It's all tea tree oil and eucalyptus oil, and it's not antibiotic in that it doesn't kill off all the good bacteria. It just coats your body with this soap, and it's all, like, natural. It kills the bad bacteria, But it doesn't kill good bacteria I don't understand how that works folks but people have known that forever the tea tree oil and eucalyptus oil are good for

Infections and preventing infection I use it cuz I'm like a yeasty boy. I'm very yeasty. Oh, yeah You used infections. I could give it I give them give them out. Yeah, give them out. You're lucky if you get used infections? I give it. I give them out. You give them out? Yeah, I give them out. You're lucky if you get one from me. You don't let them out. Like awards. Yeah, I've been lucky with diseases. Knock on wood. But it's, you know, this is a weird one if you're compromised.

You know, people that have lung issues or people that have had, like, I hate to say it, Brian, but vaping. Vaping, yeah. I think cigarettes and vaping. I wonder weed smokers, though. Because I know it's always like. It's definitely not good for you. Right. Right?

Yeah. It's like, how bad is it for you? Tommy Chong, still going. I mean, he's my canary in a coal mine. Because Willie Nelson's out of the game. Willie Nelson moved over to the edible game 100%. Oh, he did? Yes, he did.

Couldn't take the smoking anymore. Wow. Yeah, smoking was fucking him up. So he moved over to the edible game. It still fucks your lungs up. You're still coughing. Maybe he's going to stop making psychedelic songs at 90. He's still got to sing, right?

Tommy Chong doesn't have to sing, right? It's true. So Willie still has to sing. Tommy Tongue doesn't have to sing, right? It's true. Willie's got to sing songs. Yeah, and just the smoke, just the hot smoke. Apparently the number of joints that that guy can put away is supposed to be terrifying. Toby Keith wrote a song about it. I'll never smoke weed with Willie again. He wrote a song about getting high with Willie like everybody says that you get high with Willie

snoop versus Willie who do you got I gotta go it's new yeah I just gotta go with snoop I go with snoop all day yeah out of respect but snoop is such a G he might lay down he might take a dive just for Willie so Willie feels better you know I mean it It's true. I can win another day. This is Willie Nelson. You know, Snoop Dogg might take a dive in that one. But if they really wanted

to go head to head, Snoop's going to be awake for days just still smoking. Do you think Willie smokes blunts? I thought he can't but you think he does. Snoop fucking tears down blunts. Yeah. I don't know what... Well, Willie used to smoke cigarettes, right? So I bet he tears down blunts. Yeah. I don't know what. It's a different thing. Well, Willie used to smoke cigarettes, right? So I bet he avoids blunts.

Or he loves them. I know a lot of people that quit smoking. They're like, no, I'm a blunt guy. I'm like, oh, okay. We know what's going on here. Exactly. Well, I know a guy who used cigars to get off of cigarettes. Started smoking cigars and got his nicotine fixed. But it felt better because he wasn't inhaling.

And you just keep it in your mouth so your breath stinks. Smell up the place wherever you're at. Yeah, you don't like cigars. No, I don't mind them. When you go to a place, say you're at the comedy store front patio and five people are smoking cigars, it's kind of like, get me the fuck out of here. That's a little obnoxious. That's a little dick swingy.

Yeah, because you're pretty much just taking over the air. That's a little obnoxious. That's a little dick swingy. Yeah. You know? Yeah, because you're pretty much just taking over the air. You're making people smell you. Like, if you go to one, the best place to go is one of those cigar bars. Yeah. Because there's a bunch of other cigar dorks in there. You guys can all get together. And apparently, is this true?

Are cigar bars essential? Is that one of those essential businesses that are open? I mean, if pot shops are, I can imagine. Yeah, because here's the thing. People do get addicted to tobacco. So what do you do about that? Do you say, hey, now's the time to quit? Sorry, you can't go anywhere?

Or do you let them, if that's how they get their tobacco fix, do you let them? What do you think? I would say they're non-essential. But, I mean, pot shots surprise me. Look at gun shops, man. My studio in Burbank's by three gun shops. I had no idea. But there's three right next door to me, and there's

lines going down the street like a mile long just to get a gun. You have a 10-day waiting grade. But still, 10 days later, you got a gun. A lot of liberals changed their fucking tune. I have quite a few friends who would never consider having a gun. I had a conversation with one of them yesterday. He's like, I've never had a gun in my life, never considered a gun.

I have a gun now. I'm like, yeah, that's probably smart. Better to have it and not to need it than to need it and not to have it. And I'm hoping people come together. I'm not hoping this turns into some crazy shootout in the streets. I'm hoping people come together. I'm not hoping this turns into some crazy shootout in the streets. But I am happy that people understand why people wanted guns in the first place.

Because these things can happen. And right now, nothing. Nothing has happened. Nothing really bad. But we're in a state of chaos. And states of chaos deteriorate or they go away. It's not like this is the new normal, I don't think. If it's just like this, then great.

We don't need any more guns, basically. We've got a good amount of guns. It's not like everybody needs to go out and get a gun. I've never considered it before. But if it gets crazy, then you should have a gun. If you don't want to have a gun, I don't think you should have to have a gun. But what are you going to do if the whole thing completely falls apart? Imagine this scenario. How would you feel if there's only a few people in your neighborhood with guns? And there's people that were coming in and robbing, killing people because we had gone all walking dead because the power

had been off from the asteroid shower for six months. There's no way to even tell these people are coming. But there's only two people in your block with guns. But there's 30 houses. Well, what the fuck are you going to do? You only have two guns and there's 30. That's not good. See, that's what people are scared of. What people are scared of, and maybe they're wrong, but the preppers right now are the ones laughing their asses off. The people with, you know, fucking jarred peaches and shit. Those people that you see on TV with their own well, they're laughing right now. They're laughing. They're hoping it deteriorates even further because they could take over.

They could be the king. Yeah. I wish I had a gun right now. I have a bunch of fake guns. You never thought about having a gun before. Well, yeah. I mean, I'm one of those guys, though, that, you know, I didn't grow up with guns, so they're kind of intimidating. And I feel like I'm somebody that one night would be wasted and be like, let me make a funny YouTube video. Oh, no. There are a lot of dorks who do that, flash guns on Twitch and wind up shooting the monitor.

It's like trusting yourself, you know? It's like— It's just, you know, the problem is you can just buy a gun if you're not a criminal right if you want to drive a car you're going to take a test but a car is not specifically designed to kill someone it can kill someone accidentally it's not specifically designed to kill someone a gun is specifically designed to kill and you don't even have to fucking show you know how to use it. Right. That worries me too because that line by my house was a lot of middle-aged Karens, you know, like

oh God, did they train you there? Like I don't even know the process. It seems like you should go through like a training gun course. You definitely should. Better not pull a prank on Karen. Karen might be locked and loaded on 18 Adderalls. You know? Pissing in her carpet because she's too scared to get up.

She's sure that that sound is a serial killer making its way up her stairs. Me wants her cousin coming to check in on her. That kind of stuff happens. People are nuts, man. And you can just get a gun. If you're not a criminal, you don't have mental health problems, you can just get a gun. And you definitely should know how to use it. And it's just, there's two schools of thought.

The Texas school of thought is a well-armed society is a polite society. And guess what? They're right in a lot of ways. That's right, too. Another school of thought is wouldn't it be great if no one had a gun and you never had to worry about getting shot? Yup. Yup. That's good, too. Also, wouldn't it be great if the government was awesome and you knew they would never turn tyrannical on you? Yeah, that'd be good. Yeah, that'd be good.

But that's not true, right? Because the government's made it out of people. And look at China. You know what? What's happening in China happening here, right? We all agree to that. We don't want what's happening in China happening here, right? We all agree to that. We don't want to live under a military dictatorship. I don't care how good it looks. That sounds terrible for us. We don't want that. So we know that's real.

It's happening right now. Other people trapped in a country. They can't even use the real internet, right? They can't even get on Twitter. They can't get on Facebook. Brian Callen did a movie there. They took his phone away. They gave him a new phone with Chinese social get on Twitter. They can't get on Facebook. Brian Callen did a movie there. They took his phone away. They gave him a new phone with Chinese social media on it.

They're like, you could use this. That's it. They wouldn't let him on Twitter. He couldn't go on Instagram. Yeah. He needs a VPN. You can't work. It doesn't work.

They block him over there. VPNs don't even work? Dude, they block everything over there. Apparently, some VPNs work in Hong Kong. But Hong Kong's not, you know, it's sort of a different situation than mainland China. Bro, it's weird that people can live the way those Chinese people are under the fist of a government that, like, pulls people out. Did you see those people that got dragged away because they tested positive for corona? Where are those people going? Landfill. landfill yeah who the fuck knows man that's happening at the same

time as us as we have so much freedom that people are like looking for shit to get upset about you know like taking some of trump and trump no doubt has said ridiculous shit that's not my point it's not it's not that he's infallible and he's always right. It's that you're wasting time playing gotcha with the president of the United States in the middle of a pandemic. Like, why, you know, yeah, he's going to say dumb shit. Get used to it. But don't harp on that. Let's figure out what the fuck needs to be done.

That's what we need to figure out. And I don't think anybody knows. They're waiting in New York for it to peak, and so that's why they wanted all those ventilators, and they're going to set up some things in parks and shit, in the Javits Center apparently they're going to set up

some sort of a temporary hospital unit. This is crazy, man. It's really cool seeing all the manufacturing plans like Tesla and stuff, making ventilators and converting their factories to make hand sanitizers and stuff like that. People who know how to make masks and shit. Printing masks.

I got, uh, Jordy's like brother, her friend Jordy, uh, from Comedy Central. Yeah. He,

uh, I think it was Jordy. His brother is the one printing out, uh, the masks. That's very cool. There's quite a few companies that are doing that. That's very cool? Yeah. I think it was Jordy. His brother is the one printing out the masks. That's very cool. There's quite a few companies that are doing that. That's very cool.

Yeah. Yeah, it's, bro, weird times, to put it mildly, right? Yeah. Nothing feels normal. You wake up in the morning, like, how am I supposed to feel? Wake up in the morning? What are you talking about? I mean, now it's like, I go tomorrow, I'm like, okay, nothing to do tomorrow at all.

Well, I guess I could just stay up all night and, you know, go to sleep when I want to. I went to bed at like 9 in the morning. I just played VR all night and ate mushrooms. Right now eating mushrooms is a little too crazy, though. I wish like halfway through I was like, this is like where you're going and thinking, you know. It was a little rough. We just have to know that now we know that this can happen. Now we know.

We didn't know. We weren't getting all the information. But just the things that also are deadly, that also affect so many people, like that list that I read off. Is that right? Is any of that shit I read right? What do you think? It seems like it would be.

I mean, nowadays, you get all these doctor lists on Facebook. You never know what's real and what's not. This is from a friend of mine who's a legitimate doctor. Is that correct? Are those numbers correct? We should probably say. Let's Google the numbers again so what did i say we start off with the first one the first one was um michael yeo apparently put out a video today

oh did he yeah he's back okay let's look at this one the 2017 to 2018 h2n3 virus pandemic that killed 61 000000 Americans. I was looking that up. The hardest part with that right now is those numbers have been accumulated over a year plus, and we only have had a month or whatever to collect these numbers right now. Yeah, I mean, it even says 2017, 2018. But over a year, it killed 61,000 people. Now, the other one was the big one at the end.

The flu for this year, for 2020. The flu. Cases reported 45 million. Wow. Hospitalizations, 415,000. Deaths, 48,000. That's worldwide? No, it's the United States.

Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. I know. That's what I'm saying. I haven't even heard about the flu this year. Well, that's the United States. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. I know. That's what I'm saying. I haven't even heard about the flu this year. Well, that's the thing. It's like, it's not sexy because it happens every year.

You know, it's like the sky monster. If the sky monster never appeared before and then one day the first tornado hit and tore apart Nashville, we'd be like, what in the fuck? God's mad at us. Right? That's how they used to feel back in the... It's just one person's case. I remember last week I read someone that got tested for the flu and they tested positive. And then weeks later got tested for the COVID-19 and then tested positive for that.

But they weren't tested for COVID at the time. They were tested for the flu because they didn't have a test. Right. So there could be a lot of people that tested positive for the flu maybe that never had a COVID-19 test. Yeah, could be yeah i mean do they mean i guess it depends on whether or not they have the tests available in different places too right i'm just not reading too there's a new test that just got just made today that's faster results oh yeah yeah there's a five minute test like it's like an easy bake oven of testing

jamie what are we going to do if you test positive? Oh, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, you're in contact, bro I already have it then Could be because I'm testing positive doesn't mean right could be yes. I mean you're out there spreading it carrier get out of here Don't pet my dog fuck. Oh, that's too late. I didn't even think of that. They sent the email out, what was yesterday? Saturday, I guess. It's too late. When the fuck did they get it? That's when they got it to the hospital and called the apartment building and said, hey, you might want to let everybody know.

Are you washing your hands a lot? You guys doing the whole thing? Oh, yeah. I'm washing the shit out of my hands. My hands are annoyed at me. I'm dried. I'm lucky I got some hand sanitizer. Oh, before the crash?

Right before it happened, the crash, I was opening up for Tom Green in San Diego. And Tom Green was the first person that I knew that was kind of panicking a little. He's like, I just bought a crate of Lysol, mini Lysols, and he was spraying the microphone down on stage. And I was like,

he's taking it a little overboard. Literally, like a week later, everyone's doing that. Tom Green ahead of the curve. Yeah. Fuck. It's spooky, dude. Who was it that had a friend? Was it Tom Papa, whose friend was warning him long in advance?

No, it wasn't Tom Papa. It was Bert Kreischer. Bert Kreischer had a friend who was warning him way in advance listen you need to isolate you need to get your family out and he was like what it was Bert right yeah shirt on yeah take your shirt on put your shirt back on you're uh just you need to isolate quickly get away from everybody because it's going to spread right through America and he was like what and this was apparently in February and he was like this lady's crazy wow and then he texted her like in the beginning of March when it was on and popping.

He's like, you're right. My point about showing those numbers was not to diminish the impact of this current pandemic. It was just to highlight the fact that we live in a war zone. We live in a virus war zone that takes out thousands of people every year in this country. And I don't think most of us are really keeping our eye on that. You know?

Like, you hear about deaths by the flu, and, you know, they're never shocking. Deaths by some new thing, for some reason, even if it's the same number of deaths, or less even, right? So far, less. Freak us the fuck out.

Seems like it's happening more, though, like if you go on TMZ, it's like somebody dies every day, like this old philosopher or this old poet or this old musician. And it's like, you never hear that in the past. Like, oh, he died of the flu. That guy died of the flu. That guy died of the flu. Here we go. Jamie just pulled something up. A total of 19,543 laboratory-confirmed influenza-associated hospitalizations were reported by FluServe-Net.

Sites between October 2019 and March 21, 2020. 41,172.1% were associated with influenza A virus. What's that? That's like 14,000. 14,000. What did I say? 41. Oh, whoops.

What am I, dyslexic? Influenza, okay, 5,335, 27.3% with influenza B. That's true too, right? If you get an influenza A shot and it's influenza B, you might catch it anyway. That's annoying. So that's a lot of people, right? So we got 19,500 and 5,300 and 14,100. My theory is that you were born sucking your thumb.

You were supposed to suck your thumb your whole life, and it was supposed to keep your immune system strong so that it would fight all of these. Look at the hospitalization rate. It was 67.3% per 100,000 population, which is higher than all recent seasons except for the 2017-2018 season. 2018 season, rates in children 0 to 4 years old and adults 18 to 49 are now the highest CDC has on record for these age groups, surpassing the rate reported during the 2009 H1N1 pandemic. Hospitalization rates for school-age children are higher than any recent regular season, but lower than rates during the pandemic. So what happened in 2009 when the H1N1 kicked in and killed all those people?

They didn't shut anything down. I think what I've been hearing is after 1,000 people died is when things started changing. I don't really remember what was changing back then. I don't remember much. I don't either. Do you remember? No. We should talk to Bert again.

Bert had it. He had the H1N1. He did? Yeah, he did. Yeah. He said it was the sickest he's ever been in his life. And it was 2009 when it was all going down. And he said he couldn't sleep.

He was so uncomfortable. He was in just constant pain and aching. He said he never felt sicker ever in his life. And that killed a lot of people. I've had a flu like that before where you're just puking shit and you can't hold anything in you're sweating you're waking up you know is that 2009 i don't think it was i i feel like it was like five years ago or something like that six years ago get you they can get you i hope another thing that comes out of here is people take their fucking immune system more seriously yeah support

your immune system you know i mean if this makes big, just a little shift in the number of people that get healthy, little shift in the number of people that start taking vitamins and exercising and, you know, just do something, man, something. Put a heavy backpack on, go for a walk, do something. Listen to the podcast. Oh, I'm listening to this Aaron Hernandez podcast. Wondery has this podcast called Gladiator

about Aaron Hernandez. Holy shit. First of all, it's a great podcast. You ever listen to Wondery has this podcast called gladiator about Aaron Hernandez holy shit first of all it's a great podcast you ever listen to wondering mm-hmm they know what they're doing man they it's like really good editing and sound editing and they they put depth to it with all these different sound effects and stuff and different just different people's interviews and discussions people that knew Aaron Hernandez but holy fuck what a crazy story did you watch the tiger thing obviously I have only watched one part discussions, people that knew Aaron Hernandez. Holy fuck, what a crazy story. You watched the Tiger thing, obviously. I have only watched

one part of one episode. I'm saving it. I'm surprised. I know. I went through all episodes in one sitting last night. You've got to understand, I have gone down so many Tiger rabbit holes, I'm terrified to start another one. You remember that whole bit that I had about Texas and Tigers from Triggered?

Dude, I went on a rabbit hole of tiger owners and people that own tigers in their backyard because of that. You're going to love it. You love the Wild West. But I wrote that bit already. I know, but you've got to see this. Every person's... There's so many twists and turns. You're like,

this is not real life. This didn't happen. But it did. Listen, I have all the faith in the world that white trash people could be unbelievable god yeah but there's so much more to it that's like insane that we haven't heard of this guy before like i don't like i know right like he also had an internet show for during all this like an alex jones type internet show i feel like i would have seen it because it was like Joe TV. And I'm like,

of course, back in the day. Joe Exotic TV, right? Is that what it is? Yeah. Now, did he have it on YouTube or did he only have it on his website? I think he had it on Ustream

back in the day like we did. That's what I'm saying. How did we not see this? No shit. I could be wrong. But yeah. Who didn't care that much back then about people

living with tigers? Shaquille O'Neal. In 2011, you might have already seen some of this stuff and not know he threw he did a documentary with Joe exotic Oh did Joe exotic have his legs back then or no Joe had his legs the whole time I was one of the guys that worked for a loss his legs but yeah he does a whole hour long like Wow old documentary with him oh no shit yeah I like to see that yeah I got obsessed with him last night i just you know added him on instagram looking back at all the photos and louis theroux's the

shit his documentaries are so good he's absolutely one of my favorite because he's got this style of talking to people that eventually annoys them into yelling at him whether it's whether it's the uh westboro baptist church or um my favorite one was this uh he was at this wild game park in africa where people go over there and like shoot rhinos and you know they pay x amount for that and y amount for this and he interviews these people in these wild game parks and he stays there for like three weeks and eventually just annoys this guy to the point where the guy snaps and has this rant about Africa about the only way that these animals are ever going to survive is if there were something. He's like, Africa is fucked. And the way he was saying it to him was like this really intense speech that he gave to

Theroux, like all Theroux's annoying him for all those days and standing by him. So you're about to feed the tiger. Oh, God. It wasn't tigers, but he had lions. And they were throwing like a dead cow and they threw it overboard. They were throwing these chunks over the fence

and these lions would just tear it apart. And I'm like, oh my God. And he's there standing there watching us through like two fences. Then there's a pickup truck and you look in these things' eyes. They look fucking ferocious God. And he's there, standing there, watching us through like two fences. Then there's a pickup truck. And you look in these things' eyes. They look fucking ferocious and so angry.

They look so angry that they're in that cage and so angry that they have to get their food this way. And he was just pestering this dude, pestering him. It's great. It's one of my favorite documentaries ever on how perplexing that situation is in africa they have more animals there than ever like all their different animals that were on the verge of extinction are now thriving but they're thriving because they're valuable and people go over there to shoot them so it's like oh what do you make of that? That's people. That's people.

We're so messy. Like we never do anything like these animals were on the verge of extinction. But now, due to the generous donations of the millions of people in the world, these animals are healthy. And they're thriving in numbers greater than we've ever seen before. We could just go out in a car and watch these lions take out these gazelles. There's no way they'd pay for it that way. If you want to make real money, you've got to make it valuable for people to go over there and shoot those things and eat them. That's just fucked.

It's kind of crazy because it's the only way that it works. We're so selfish. But on the other hand, I heard kudu meat is delicious. Really? Yeah, I heard it's the best. If you want to go shoot a kudu, you go over there with your friends, enjoy nice cooked meals. There's kudu everywhere.

You go out, you shoot one, take a picture with it. Hey, we had a good time in Africa. You eat it. Yeah, we ate it. It was awesome. Brought a bunch of it back, with it. Hey, we had a good time in Africa. You eat it? Yeah, we ate it. It was awesome. Brought a bunch of it back. Froze it. I mean, you're eating burgers anyway.

Isn't it better to just go out there and shoot a kudu with a rifle and have a crazy story behind it and a memory that you'll never forget? And also respect. But we don't think about it that way. We think, God damn it, they're only worth something if you shoot at them. It would be nice if it was both maybe there's competing conservation efforts like one conservation effort like the people that want no animals getting shot like you guys can have this ranch let's see how you do and then the people that want to pay to shoot animals have the other ranch and that that ranch has a fuckload of money.

Which one's going to do better? The one that operates on donations or the one where people fly from Cincinnati to shoot a kudu? I don't know. I bet the one where they fly and they pay to shoot a kudu, I bet that one does better. A lot of similarities with this tiger movie, man, what you just said. Well, Texas does, I mean,

it's another place where Texas is like, they don't give a fuck. That's a whole different kind of America. Remember Ohio when they had to change that law and I think with Zanesville

where he let all his animals out and there's this tiger. Yeah. Yeah, we watched that. We watched clips of that in the Joe Exotic, the Tiger King, when you see the beginning of it.

That's really disturbing. You see all those animals, those cops at a shoot. Virtual reality hunting is probably going to be the future, actually. Did you ever see Tyson when he was explaining to me why he got a tiger? Yeah. I love Tyson, man. Have you been listening to his podcast? He's great. He's great.

He's so genuine. He's so genuine. Like, that's what we all want. You know, whether we agree with you or not agree with you, we want you to be there for real. Like, maybe you're making mistakes. Maybe you're looking at things the wrong way. But I want you to, I can't listen unless I know that you're really there. Mike Tyson is really there.

When he's talking about anything. He's not bullshitting you. He's not an actor putting on a facade he's he's mike tyson and there's something about that man that especially in like these fucked up times where everything is confusing it's very refreshing to see someone's authentic take on the world and be honest about their journey in life and whose journey in life has been more strange and out of the ordinary and spectacular than mike fucking tyson i mean mike tyson has had one of the most extraordinary lives a human being has ever had ever you know and people

they might try to diminish that in some way because he's had some run ins with the law or because of the nature of the way he became famous by being the most violent man on the planet. The you know, the best heavyweight boxer of his era. But he you to get to be someone like he is. You have to have some extraordinary horsepower inside your will. Like your will is a supercharged engine. There's something about that guy's will and his mind. He might not be the most articulate, most well-read, most studied man on earth. He's not that, but he's extraordinary. He, you have to be extraordinary to do what he did. There's no way around it. He was so much better than anybody else when he was coming up and you can only maintain that kind of power and that, that kind of ferocity for a

certain amount of time. I feel like a person at that kind of pace that he was at, you can't really maintain that very long. He was such a destroyer. But you go back and watch him knocking out Michael Spinks and knocking out Marvis Frazier and just smashing Larry Holmes when Larry Holmes was still, I think Larry Holmes was in his

30s. He was still, I mean he wasn't in his prime, but he was still Larry fucking Holmes. He smashed everybody. I miss, he wasn't in his prime, but he was still Larry fucking Holmes. He smashed everybody. I miss those days, like, watching TV, the old Tyson fights. That was like a Super Bowl. Every time, like, you know, just getting around. It was a family affair. You'd get the whole family around. I know. Everyone would get together.

You'd get mad if he was going to fight someone who was going to be like 15 seconds. Like, fucking Bruce Seldon. Come on, man. You'd get mad. Did you see this little clip of him before the Fury Wilder fight? No. He meets Chad Johnson in the back of the arena. Oh, no shit.

Watch the interaction. Why this went big is because the interaction when he notices the cameraman behind Chad Johnson. Hey, are we going to get pulled? I'm not going to play the whole thing. It's only like 10 seconds. Okay. It went pretty viral, though, so it's like newsworthy-ish. What went viral about it? Watch this. Okay. It went pretty viral, though, so it's like newsworthy-ish. What went viral about it?

Watch this real quick. Okay, here we go. Oh! That dude's filming. He's like, what'd you do with that phone? It got right in his face. Shit his pants, probably. Oh, how would you not shit your pants?

Yeah, Mike Tyson is tired of people filming him. I found him to be very sincere. I really enjoy his company. Like, I enjoy talking to him before the show. It's kind of surreal. I met him at the UFC a few years back. I got a photo with him. And he's like, you're that dude who smokes all that weed.

And I started laughing. I'm. And he's like, you're that dude who smokes all that weed. And I started laughing. I went, what's up, man? Mike Tyson knowing who I was was just strange. Him wearing that biker's jacket, the old black classic biker's jacket. Yeah, kind of like, that looks cool. I want to get back to it. Yeah, he's an interesting guy, man, for sure.

I love that he's got his podcast. He was going to, they asked me to be on it through Skype. I'm just going to wait. I want to be there in person, man. Where's he recorded at? Wait until that shit blows over and then I'll go visit. Look at that. He's cool.

Yeah, he's great, man. Yeah, he's getting really good at this, him and Eminem. Oh, shit, that's Eminem. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, very interesting interesting how did Eminem get a black beard what happened didn't he use that blonde hair he dyed his hair he dyed everything his face hair I don't think he had face hair no I think he bleached his hair when it was blonde right is that what it is yeah so that's his real hair color yeah that or he oh okay he probably

does what I do put a little just for men on it and the beard yeah that shit can fuck your face up man I uh did a rabbit hole one day on the Just For Men, and I saw this guy who had his face burned. Yeah, like burns, like chemical burns on his face from maybe it wasn't Just For Men, but some kind of beard. It was hair dye probably. Well, find out.

You got to wash it out. I can't sleep. Yeah, Just For Men. Well, he wanted it really dark. He wanted to really freak people out. See, but Google like hair dye face burn. I mean, it's fucking chemical, man.

I shit my head last night because of Greg Fitzsimmons, man. Yeah, Greg went, he got rid of the sides. I needed a haircut. I'm like, it's going to be a month

until I get a haircut. Yeah, there's something about the sides that hold you back. If you're a bald man with the sides, unless you're doing a lot of acid.

Even I just was thinking about this. You're supposed to like test any hair dye on your skin just to make sure you don't have any sort of bad reactions to it. Bro, who's reading that? No one's reading that. You almost have to, but no one does that. I know, but dudes don't read.

When I bleached my hair, I used to bleach my hair once a year. There would be burns. There would be scabs in my hair. I would just peel out scabs because it just fried my head. Well, they said that there's a link that they're exploring between women dying their hair and breast cancer. Have you read this? Yeah. There's always a link.

That's a scary link, though, man. But if you think about it, if a woman is dying her hair on a regular basis, how often do chicks dye their hair? Every two months. Imagine if you take in poison every two months. Because your skin is, you know, the dermis of your skin, the epidermis. Your skin absorbs all kinds of stuff.

I mean, your skin absorbs magnesium through the float tank. This study says it's for permanent hair dye and chemical hair straighteners. So it's not quite the same as, like, what most people use. Most people use, like, a semi-permanent. What is for permanent hair dye? The researchers say women who use permanent hair dye and chemical hair straighteners have a higher risk for breast cancer. Oh, okay. So it's not the temporary hair dye that most gals get?

Right. So all these chicks going gray need to cut it out. I'd like it if you pretend you're not aging, please. Yeah. Go back. What would you rather have, though? A woman that had long gray hair or just shaved her head? Listen, man.

I don't want to answer these questions. However, experts say women shouldn't give up hair products based on this study alone. What experts say? Who the fucking? I hate when they say that. Experts say. Experts in what? Well, I'm really good at Parcheesi.

Yeah. What do they know? Nothing, right? I don't know. National Institute of Health. Yeah. What do they know? Nothing, right? I don't know. Don't trust anybody, man. I'm going Eddie Bravo on this bitch. They're all lying. Liars.

They're all in bed with the fucking dye company. For chicks, the head shave is a scary move. Yeah. It's a scary move. Some girls pull it off, though. Some gangster gals have done that during isolation They've shaved their fucking heads gone with a crew cut start wearing wigs Girls can wear wigs man. Yeah, yeah girls more wigs

Nope, nope. I got a pretty good Girls can do whatever they want. We'll still fuck them imagine if guys had fake tits girls be like what are you doing? Does he even real muscles? They're way more picky than we are. You know? If they have fake boobs, we're like, awesome. We don't even care if they're fake. We know they're fake. It means nothing. It's not like we need to be tricked. We're so stupid. We're like, oh, look, you got water bag.

Make them poke out more. I like better. We like the fact that they look fake as fuck. It's like there's a shape burned into our DNA, and that shape is plump tits. And whatever you need to do to get to that. But if a guy had some plastic rod in his cock that stretched it out and made it harder, if women found out about that, they'd be like, ew, yuck.

Yeah, dudes are not allowed to have fake hogs. Would a woman prefer anything fake on a guy? Do they like anything at all? I'm sure some women. Yeah, attention spam. They want you to pretend. They want you to pretend you give a fuck about their dumb stories. You got to sit there.

Oh, and then she said that, huh? That's what some women like. And some women don't even like that. See? Can't generalize. Don't be a sexist pig, Jamie. Okay. I think you're effeminate.

I'm trying to learn over here. It's so embarrassing to be on this podcast and you say something so sexist. There's dudes that'll do that they'll throw you right under the bus be very careful of those people very careful

of those gender traitors those guys who they know you're fucking around they'll throw you in front of the bus right in front of the ladies why will they do that

because they're weak cunts and there's a lot of them out there and those are the ones that don't have guns I bet right now those are the ones those are the ones that are 13th guns, I bet, right now. Those are the ones. Those are the ones that are 13th in line at the gun store, and it's 10 to 5, and they know they're not going to make it.

Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! I need a gun! Fuck! Did they close them? Does the gun store say that? No, they're 24 hours. They give away guns.

They drop them out of helicopters through the roof, and then they just distribute them evenly. They were supposed to close them, and then they didn't in Burbank, and then they said they were going to just raid the place if then they just distribute them evenly they were supposed to close them and then they didn't in Burbank and then they said they were going to just raid the place if they don't close them and then I think Trump just they said yesterday or two days ago that it's considered it's yeah essential essential and I have a pistola but Burbank police like we're not even going to like mess with this we don't we don't care they're not arrested anybody for anything yeah We're over here. Just let us know if shit gets really crazy.

Mad Max! Do you play the new Doom yet? Scared. Oh my god, it's scary. I gotta say, I was a little disappointed that they didn't have deathmatch. They didn't have one-on-one deathmatch. They don't? No. They don't have you versus a bunch of people in a room just killing each other.

I thought they had that. No. Right? They don't, right? It's like two working again. It's a room just killing each other. I thought they had that no Right they don't right you have to it's like to working again Hope they come to their senses Could be a downloadable contently. I just got the new half-life You were a big in the half-life back in the day, right? Yeah, it's in VR now. Oh my shit Did you get it in VR?

I got in VR and I got the hand finger tracking So I could sit there and pick out like a single bullet and put it in you know like type shit It is it it's so gloves you have gloves. It's no it's just like these Slip over the fingers rollers. Yeah, yeah, and what's weird is that it's I got the Vive index Which is like the highest end one you can get at the Vive Index, which is like the highest end one you can get, and it's so real that it's like the first time where I felt like I was in a room. Before it was always like, I'm in a room in VR.

This was like, this is too realistic. Like there was a part where I had to open this old elevator, and I'm like, I'm not walking in this elevator. It's that good? How's the definition? I mean, it's amazing. You're both nodding very vigorously.

No, no, it's like, it's so real that I couldn't that I was too scared to walk in the elevator because I hate elevators. Dude, I'm in. It's scary. Well, I'm hoping that Doom does that. And then, look, what we did see at Doom looks fucking amazing. It looks amazing. I mean, the fucking graphics are off the chart. The gameplay looks really cool.

The weapons look fucking totally badass. But if they did that in VR, oh my God. They do have a Doom in VR. But that? Yeah, it's not quite there yet. Dude, if they did Doom Eternal in VR, and you put that bitch in a warehouse, and you run through the game in a couple hours,

too much cowards you would burn, the world would be ripped. We get people in such good shape. Because if you had something like Doom, doom right and you're in a warehouse like like i told you they do with sandbox sandbox has a bunch of dope games like that but they don't have anything that goes on for like three hours or like if there was a place where you could go we could get blocks at time like yeah i reserved uh you know warehouse four from nine to 12 and it's you and like five friends and you have three fucking hours three hours with fake guns and resources and you

drink real water and you're wandering around this warehouse dude you gotta try half-life what if they had a virtual toilet you don't even take your VR off to piss you walk up to it so it's a real toilet? You don't even take your VR off to piss. You walk up to a toilet. It's a real toilet. They have these suits now you can... That's going to get messy. Yeah. They have these suits now you can buy that you put on that vibrate so you feel things.

And you could be in a game and you could feel water. Water drops hit you and stuff. And they have all these trackers now that you can put by. And you can do that with Doom? I mean with Half-Life? You could almost do it to any game if you know what you're doing. That's a problem, man. There's a lot of PC shit involved with having VR.

The Vive Quest, I think it's called, where you don't have any PC. You just put it on. That's the future. But right now, you still have to hook it up to a nice PC. Dude, we got Oculus on one of the Oculus ones. It's the one that's really dope because it's just a headset. hook it up to a nice PC. Dude, we got Oculus, and on one of the Oculus ones, it's the one that's really dope because it's just a headset, and it works off of an iPad. Right.

And the one where you walk the plank, you walk out there. Oh, that's the scariest shit ever. Yeah, I have that. Fucked up. But the new stuff, like I've unfortunately still have cameras everywhere tracking, but you can lay down in it and like it knows like if you see something you could lean in and pick something out you're you're you know it's room scale so you're walking dude yeah yeah this is future yeah the future is you're not gonna have

a life you're gonna get sucked into those things and you're gonna be playing them all day long because it's gonna be way better than life you're gonna be working your shit job at the amazon warehouse can't wait to go home and you're gonna get home strap that fucking headset on and party when you're trapped inside it gives you more space to explore which is like probably a little bit of a mental escape well I think this is also going to open up a lot true I think in the future a lot more people are gonna be gonna be using like video conferencing and stuff like that instead of meetings because we realize how way better this is instead of meeting and getting you know going to this business and working you

can just sit there and talk nowadays i don't know why people don't skype more or use this you know technology that's well i think people want to go outside and experience life and still want to meet in a building to work together. I think people still like that. Do you think this is going to change anything like that? Yeah, man, everyone's going to be afraid. How long is it going to be before you can just hug a stranger? College is going to change because, like, how many kids are learning right now? They're like, ah, what the fuck was I going to a fucking lecture for?

It's so dumb. Everyone's going to be so scared. Concerts. But meanwhile, the last big concert that I saw was, who the fuck was it in Denver? They got in trouble. Always Tired. Always Tired. Tattooed.

Post Malone. Post Malone. Always Tired. This weed is too strong. I just had four extra hits for some strange reason. He did a show in Denver. He was like one of the last ones to do it. I was looking out and it was like 18,000 people or some shit at the Pepsi Center.

I looked out there. I'm like, wow, it's a lot of people that could get it. All those spring breakers stacked on top of each other after that. Did you see that? Like someone made, they used some computer program to track cell phone data and they showed all these people like on a little teeny part of Fort Lauderdale Beach over like a two day period and then watched their cell phones disperse across the country. And see where the disease is going.

They just fucking took off everywhere. Not that everyone there had a disease, but they're just showing you how fast it gets spread. They have a disease. They're all stupid. They're all young. They're all infected with young. Yeah, I didn't see that, but I'm not surprised. What's weird, April 1st was when this first shit first started happening. I think the comedy story, we're going to be closed until around April 1st. Now that's not going to happen.

It might be May. I think the governor said he wants two months, right? Yeah. Did he say two months from now or two months total? I don't know. Two months from now. I think it's from now. From now.

Yeah. So June. Fuck. I don't understand. If you were a waiter, I know when I was a waiter for 10 years, I went paycheck to paycheck. The real problem is unemployment. I mean, they have to be honest, too, about the tips. Okay, so these are all their cell phones?

Yes, they're zooming in on a... They combined two data sets to show... This is what companies actually use for tracking advertising stuff normally, but this company's tried to show how fast shit can spread, so they're showing a little heat map of cell phones on a little piece of beach here in Florida, and then they take all of those data points and then he he makes

the timeline go ahead a couple days and you just watch them spread from there and it's fucking nuts so it's not even that many of them it's probably a couple thousand i think it said it was six thousand of them or 5500 of them maybe and then he just subspace let's timeline go ahead a little bit and those that want to see this you can look up a Twitter account called Tectonics GEO. How interesting. And you'll see the video there. Look how far it spreads. All over everywhere.

I mean, it's half the country. Wow. You know what's also crazy? It really is a cell phone because a cell phone is so dirty. Who cleans their cell phone? You touch your ass, you touch your cell phone. You touch your dick, you touch your cell phone. You touch your nose, you touch your cell phone. You put your cell phone You touch your cell phone. You touch your nose. You touch your cell phone.

You put your cell phone on the table, or someone else's cell phone was. You put your cell phone in your pocket. You fart on it. You put your cell phone in your car. Your car is disgusting. And even when it's dirty, I know that if I have something crunchy on my screen, it's not like I'm cleaning. I'm just like, I'll use my-

It's annoying. Scratch it off there. I'm not washing my cell phone, but I'm going to start washing it. One thing good is I got an iPhone 11. It's IP68. So if you don't have a phone that is waterproof. Do you have the green one?

Yeah, I got a green one, bro. I'll bring him in. I have some Windex specifically for electronics wipes. Thank God, but it's too late. Get that phone cleaner I got, man. Yeah, maybe that's a move. Everybody puts their phone in a heater, a microwave. What kind of light is it?

Ultraviolet light? It's blue. It's that thing? Yeah. Yeah. How weird is that? It kills their DNA. That seems really malicious.

Why don't we just all replace our light bulbs with these lights? Dude. Well, some guy was saying that we should uh carry around these ozone things if you there's a thing that deer hunters have been using forever and it's a ozone spray so you stand there and this ozone bath washes over you so even if deer are coming upwind right so they're walking into the wind and your smell is blowing in their face. Your smell is covered by this ozone. Ozone spray. That's what stoners used to buy from waterbeds and stuff and spray in their rental cars after they're returning them.

I don't know if that was real ozone, but that was the name of the brand. It's Ozeum. That's pretty close. Yeah, Ozeum. Yeah. But real ozone, it actually does, on some levels, mask your scent. You could see a deer smell it they get confused like because if a deer smell you they just get the fuck out we stink to deer really that's the

number one tool that they have to get away from humans is smell because they don't see you from like 500 yards away they don't pay they're not you're not an immediate threat you're all the way over there you move in they might go oh what is. You're all the way over there. You move in. They might go, Oh, what is that? Let me get the fuck out of here. But they're, they're generally confident that at 500 yards away from you, they can kind of get away from you quick enough. But if you're close to them and they smell you, they fucking run. They run, dude.

They run. Like if you're in the close, meaning realistically, they could smell you a couple hundred yards, 300 yards. The wind comes to them. It catches them. They see it and they just start bouncing away. They run away. We stink. We smell like meat. We smell like something that eats meat. We smell like a predator.

We smell gross. They're like, fuck! Imagine someone you can smell the way you smell skunk. If you smelled a person over the top of a hill, like a wind gust, you're like, you smell that? Fuck! We gotta get out of the hill like a wind gust you like you smell that fuck we got to get out of here that's what it's like to them it's like if skunks were murderous animals looking to shoot at you or being in india in india why in india you could smell

people in india oh especially now yeah i can't even leave the house. You see in India where they're attacking them? If you're in the streets, they're just like beating the shit out of it like the police. There's a bunch of different countries that are going to do that. Yeah. The China one was the scariest, right? When they're dragging those people away. I was like, what is going on? I guess there's photos of like outside of our hospitals here in Los Angeles of just semis filled with bodies.

Somebody posted the other day. Well, how many people have died in Los Angeles? Not that much. So I don't know. You sure they weren't caskets? I think it's because they have to because they have the virus and they died of the virus. They have to keep them like separate from like regular. I don't know.

Bro. What's your take on this? Give me the Brianrian red band take when do we get out of this uh i think it's we're in it for a lot longer than we think i think like a good two more months maybe max uh and i think we are i think this is just fucking weird does this set a precedent do you think i think there's a lot of depression issues. I know a lot of people, if I was single right now, I would not be able to take this. Disturbing video shows dead bodies loaded onto truck outside New York City hospitals. New York.

So it's a freezer truck, though. But here's my question. What if the flu next year is particularly vicious? Are we going to do this all over again? This is the question. So this could come back in the fall that Dr. Fauci guy is saying. So this could just be

take a break in the summer. Yeah. And how long are they saying on the cure? Well, they don't even think they can come up with a vaccine for 16 to 18 months, right? Is that what they said? Because of how they do the testing and whatnot.

I think they said 18 months. It's like they're hopeful for a year and a half. Can't they do like what China did when they built those hospitals? Get like every single person in the world together and be like, let's all figure this out in a month. I don't know if they can. I don't know if they can, man.

I know everyone's donating their computer processing power right now to try to find a cure for it. I don't know if you saw that. There's a – where you could install that thing on your computer. And so when you're not using it, it's using your computer to help, you know, cloud-based, like find a thing. And I want, you know, I wonder if everyone did that. Well, I mean, if they, they need to do clinical trials and clinical trials take time.

So if they do this chloroquine stuff or some other things that they come up with, they have to try them on animals. They have to figure out whether or not it would work on people and then they have to try it on people well there's a whole process that they have to go through it's not like there's some miracle that they're holding back on that's what's so scary about this shit when we were at the cdc um in uh galveston texas. Duncan and I went down there. And I think it's the Center for Disease Control. I think that's what it's called. It's this building where they house everything that will kill you.

Ebola. All kinds of shit that will just kill everybody. Jesus. In this big-ass building with super thick walls and vacuum. They were explaining how they suck all the air out of the room. They have vacuum hoses. And these guys are built like, you know, they have these suits that are these guys are built like you know they have these suits that are built like astronaut suits like they're on the moon and it's crazy protection that they

have and then they're working with these viruses and these deadly diseases i'm like oh it's like a bad idea oh my god it's so terrifying talking to him me and duncan both freaked out because at first we were thinking what if russia came up with some kind of crazy disease and turned it on the world? You know, we were scared of that. Like, what about weaponized viruses? What about that? And they're like, yeah, yeah, that can happen. But you know what's happening all the time? New viruses. They're like, we're what we're really scared of is shit like the Spanish flu, or H1N1, or all these different flus that just show up and wipe out people in a different way. Like the Spanish flu particularly killed young men, like really healthy men with really good immune systems for whatever reason.

Those are the ones that got jacked, a lot of them. It was weird. Like this one kind of it's not as bad for young people, but it's much worse for old people. Some of them vary. Some of them are really bad for young people. Yeah, some of it's random. Yeah, and he was really scared of that. He was like, this is what we're concerned about.

We're concerned about nature itself. We're not concerned about people making some sort of a weaponized virus. He's like, that would be terrible. But what we're concerned with is what's happening all the time. These viruses are mutating and morphing and changing and becoming more powerful and resistant to antibiotics and like whoa bro he scared the shit out of both of us we walked out of there we're like man it just made us realize like oh this just hasn't happened in our lifetime like you know in a way way that we're confronted with it until now.

You know, now it's happening. There's some new thing that we don't have a cure for, you know. Then you add internet and social media to that and it's just panic. You know, you're not just seeing the news every night. And there's value in it. If you freak people out, they'll click on links. If they click on the links,

you get all the ad revenue. If you're writing some sensationalist story that's real clickbaity with a clickbaity title, people jump to it and then you get those ad clicks. So you're encouraged

to make these sensationalist stories that are interesting to read. And I'm as guilty as anybody if I see something ridiculous I'm like what what did he say? What what did she do? Where'd she get that money? Huh, and I'll go click on it too. And then when I'm disappointed, I'm like, oh How many people read the whole thing? You know, yeah, I've read something the other day that was I think was clickbait and not real about how meth might fight read something the other day that I think was clickbait and not real about how meth

might fight the coronavirus. Did you read that? Me and Eddie Bravo used to always joke about how there's no one who's like a meth proponent, like a weed proponent. There's no one out there. Because there's fucking, people

try to evangelize with weed, right? Yeah. Oh, tons. And mushrooms. Oh yeah, mushrooms. oh yeah yeah me i'm guilty of that all of us do but you have something that you think is spectacular and you want other people to try it we were like does anybody do that with meth yeah if anybody's like dude you want to clean your fucking apartment yeah there's coke heads that that that doesn't seem as bad you know because there is uh medical purposes for, but yet meth, there's nothing for meth. Well, there is.

Numbing agents. Adderall's pretty close. That's what I was going to say. If you called meth Adderall, then you definitely have lots of proponents for it. Yeah, dude, Adderall is real close to meth. And I know multiple people that have a real issue with that stuff. Some of them that have completely lost their mind. The Adderall is like any other thing where you're perturbing your natural state all the time.

Like your balance gets off. You don't know where you are. You don't know what you're doing. You don't know what you're saying. You're saying things and realizing that you said them after you said them. You're talking constantly. Like you know what happens to those fucking Adderall heads. They get real weird.

They get real weird. They get angry at people that did nothing to them. They think there's conspiracies. They think there's helicopters flying around looking for them. They get meth-y. They get real meth-y, especially if they're abusing it. And most are, it seems like. Yes.

A lot of them are taking it off-label. A lot of them are just taking it recreationally They just taking it because they they want to they want a little juice Yeah, there's ice in there and cooties probably don't reach your hands in there These are pretty good these oh the shit 25 milligrams of CBD In each one of them I'm super addicted Mango tango

Kill Cliff Yeah this is the new This is the new flavor The mango tango flavor It's weird I don't like There's a bunch of new ones I like mango and things

But I You don't like mangoes Like raw mango I always get It feels like Like new carpet Like chemical taste See that's just cause you smoke

Is that why Yeah It opens up some weird Yeah it's Murdered your taste buds Mango's delicious's just because you smoke. Is that why? Yeah. It opens up some weird- Yeah, it's murdered your taste buds. Mango's delicious. How often do you smoke cigarettes, though? Not much.

I mean, this Juul is my favorite thing ever. Look, you got a little- Oh, Jesus! Oh, my God! We're gonna die! Yeah, that's- Just sorry about that. No worries.

Don't put that back in your glass. Oh, I'm not gonna drink that. Oh, I was like, you're a fucking savage. He's got cigar butts in there and shit. He's like, we're back on Fear Factor. What were you saying? No, like these jewels, I mean, I got really into the jewels. And it seems, you know, I used to, when I smoked,

I would wake up in the morning and it seems you know i used to when i smoked i would wake up in the morning and like breathe like i could feel the cigarette in my lungs and like i don't have that anymore but i also notice i suck on this thing all day like it's a lollipop you know and that cannot be good well i found out from adam curry what the fucking lowdown is adam curry you know uh the original guy who came up with podcasting. He's the Mac Daddy, the OG. He's like our Lucy. Lucy that...

Was that fake? Was Lucy faked? Lucy. Do you know what I'm talking about? Lucy's the first fossil of mankind, humankind, a woman that they found. It was one of the first recognizable homo sapiens i think or one of our ancestors one of the first recognizable ancestors but someone said that there's something faked about it that there was a recent controversy and i didn't look into it but

i'm remembering it right now was adam before leo remember le Well, he was on that show. Well, Leo was on that show. The screensavers. I fucking loved that show. I was a nerd. That was my super nerd days, too. Those were the days when I was actually making computers. I would go and buy all the parts and put computers together and shit. I loved that show.

But Adam started his shit. I mean, he gave us the whole timeline on the show, but it's super clear He's the first he if he wasn't the first he's the first that survived that's still around today for sure right? He's he preceded us by many years Yeah, but he was he had an idea to do this shit back when he was on MTV He just happened to be beautiful He's like a super long flirty guy who just happened to be beautiful when he was on MTV. He just happened to be beautiful. He's like a super nerdy guy who just happened to be beautiful

when he was young. You know, because you would kind of dismiss him as being a pretty boy. But he's a genius, brilliant guy, and I really, really dug talking to him. Like, he's really cool. You would like him too, man. He's super cool and super fucking smart

and super tuned in to all aspects of privacy and the internet. He's telling us about phones that are making these new phones that are Linux-based phones that are completely private. They don't send any data to anywhere. He's into that kind of shit. He's into those laptops that Snowden uses that have kill switches on them so you can kill the microphone and kill the,

like with an actual physical switch, kill the webcam. Yeah. I like all those old MTV, like Matt Pinfield. Remember him? The guy did Headbangers Ball. Oh, yeah. The bald guy. And like all those old MTV.

We grew up with it. Those were our DJs, our video DJs. You know, remember Kennedy? Yeah. She's a Fox News Republican pundit. Yeah. Does she look the same Republican pundit. Yeah. Does she look the same? Oh, yeah.

Does she have, like, the sexy glasses? She looks great. She looks really good, considering how long she's been on television for. You know, I mean, she's got to be at least my age. She definitely looks better than Puck, right? I haven't seen that poor guy. He had a rough go of it. Yeah.

Kennedy is on. She's still on MTV, right? I mean on Fox News, right? Was. Was? She's not anymore? Currently on hiatus. On hiatus.

Did she get in trouble? No, it's coronavirus programming. Oh. It's all webcams and shit. They're all going to just give up and start doing podcasts. They're going to realize. You fucked up. All that Fox News stuff and all that being in a studio

Come on news is so stupid like I love how they're sitting farther apart But they're like sitting like two feet away like you're alright. Come on. You're not social distancing Responsibly the local NBC channel like they're all over at somebody's house And you could tell us the same house because it's the same lighting and they're obviously not going to have a cameraman at three different houses, you know? So they have one guy in the living room, one guy in the dining room, and then like the bee reporter guy,

he's like sitting in front of like a garbage can in the kitchen. Imagine if the coronavirus forced everyone into doing podcasts and all regular television died. Close. I hope. It's close,

but people still rely on those big names to like, I want to hear what the BBC has to say about it. You know, I want to see what NBC says. It's pretty amazing how much I watch YouTube more than I watch TV nowadays. Like everything is YouTube now. I subscribe to people. Like every day I'm like, oh, I want to see the latest episode. Oh yeah, for sure.

I waste a lot of fucking time on it, too. Looking at car videos. Yeah. Looking at old Hot Rod videos and stuff. Retreat builds. What were we just talking about? Shit, I was going to ask you a question. Everything's going on podcast.

Kennedy. Gone. In and out. In and out of my brain. It had something to do with these shows. Oh, I can't. How many people are doing podcasts now? Switching everything.

You're not helping. I got way too high. But I needed that. On a day like this, it's just too weird. I don't want to be sober right now. I'm watching car videos, though. I love watching. I love car videos. I love old cars that I'll never own. I don't even want be sober right now. Yeah, I'm watching car videos, though. I love watching. I love car videos.

I love old cars I'll never own. I don't even want them, but I like watching them. Some dude driving an old Fiat the other day on a mountain road. I was like, oh, look at that. Looks cool. I don't want to do that. I just think there's something about mechanical things that people create and work on. That's probably my favorite part about it. things that people create and work on. That's probably my favorite part about it.

I like these new cars, or these companies are taking old classic cars and then gutting a Tesla and putting all the Tesla stuff inside of it. There's a Russian car company that's doing that now with a 1967 Mustang. Wow. But they're building the Mustang out of pure carbon fiber.

Yeah, so it's going to be really light. And they estimated a 0-60 of 2.2 seconds. Yeah, so it's going to be really light. And they estimated a zero to 60 of 2.2 seconds. See who's finding this. It's a really new company that's coming out with this. What do you have to do if you buy that and you need to get it fixed? Do you have to take it back to them? You got to send it to Rich Benoit. Send it to Rich Rebuilds. It's the electric garage in Massachusetts. Where's his place? Give him a shout out.

Massachusetts sounds right. Yeah, but I mean, where in Massachusetts? Where's his place? Give him a shout out. Massachusetts sounds right. He's so funny. Yeah, but I mean, we're in Massachusetts. He's great, right? He just put a video up about nipples and this little kid. I love him. Where'd you get this? Did he give this to you?

He gave it to me, yeah. He added it to the collection. I love his videos. He keeps Tesla honest. He keeps everybody honest. He hates a lot, though, on the Model X, and that kind of drives me crazy. New Hampshire? No, he doesn't live in New Hampshire. Hey, man, the electrified garage

comes up as weird. It's in New Hampshire, huh? I thought he was in maybe opened the garage in New Hampshire. But he's on this thing lately where he's talking about superchargers. Seabrook, New Hampshire. Is that near the border to Massachusetts?

Because a lot of people did that. They got places. I had friends who got houses in New Hampshire because it was cheaper. And you can get a fucking yard filled with bears. Yeah. New Hampshire's the woods, bro. Is it? I did.

I grew up in New Hampshire. Yeah, it's just over the border from Massachusetts. Yeah. Woods people. Woods people. Real woods people are Maine people. There was one story that I was reading about where these fucking guys were working during construction in Maine and they rented a house and the neighbors had decided that these people might have the Corona. And so they've been there since September. They had, they've been in the

fucking town since September working on a construction site. They chopped a tree down and blocked their fucking driveway and threatened them with guns. They have to quarantine them. They're forcing them to quarantine. Look at this. Group of local vigilantes try to forcibly quarantine out-of-towners. That's Maine for you. That's fucked up.

That's Maine for you. Dude, Maine is a strange place. It's a strange place. You ain't never seen drunk. Oh, God. You ain't never seen drunk until you've seen a bar in Bangor. Those people can throw down. And they're all

in that, you know, they're in that brutal, brutal, brutal cold. Brutal cold for a long time. They went to the mainland. We're targeted because their license plate when they arrived back in Vinalhaven, an exchange

between roommates and some local residents apparently didn't go well, she said, adding that a group of local vigilantes decided to take matters into their own hands and barricade these guys into their rental property. Mrs. McDonald called the commotion a tremendous waste of resources, noting that it had drawn a response from several officials.

So silly. But that's Maine. There's a lot of dummies up there. A lot of nice people. Don't get me wrong, but you know there's a lot of dummies up there. They call them maniacs and they get real mad if you make fun of them. Maniacs. I had a guy screaming at me. I was telling

Maine jokes in Maine. And he was screaming. He was standing up, and he was an old dude too, pointing at me, screaming. Like, he really identified with Maine. And I was trying to understand. I go, do you identify with Maine? Do you think I'm talking about you? What's going on here, man?

Why are you mad? I was making fun of the number of people that were shot by deer in Maine. Shot by deer? Or shot hunting deer and mistaken for a deer. Sorry. Shot by a deer. It's hilarious. And I was making this joke about it.

Like, I mean, how many fucking people live here? And this guy got up. I fucking live here. He's screaming at me. Oh, God. I was like, whoa, buddy. These are just jokes. It doesn't make this a lot better, but this I was like, whoa, buddy. These are just jokes.

It doesn't make this a lot better, but this thing in Maine, it's a small island town. Oh, even worse. So they're fucking trying to keep it. That's why they're saying get back to the mainland. I was like, why are they saying mainland? Because they're thinking someone came over there with the cooties. Right, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But those guys have been there since September.

Jeez. These people are just idiots. Dude, islands are weird, man. I did a gig once on Block Island. Block Island is like outside of Rhode Island, I believe. It was the worst gig I ever did. I mean, even to this day, I think back, I'm like, you can't get worse. You only get different.

The place was, they were sedated. get different the place was they were sedated what i mean i mean like everyone in the bar was plastered like at a level where they couldn't even communicate wow it was the it was one of the weirdest things i've ever seen me and this kid scott papacuri he it. Me and him went there. He was the opener and I was the closer. We both sucked. And it was like 1989. And we were sleeping in a storage area. Like with containers of like fucking green beans and cans of peas. Try storage.

Right there. Wow. So there's like racks. And on the ground there was like these beds. And we had to sleep in these beds. They were in a storage unit. I'm not bullshitting. No shit.

There was no hotel room. There was a toilet. You could take a shit. You could wash your hands. There was no bathroom, no shower. I was like, this is the craziest gig ever. And they were mad at us because I forget what he had said, but by the time he had gotten off stage, the show was basically over.

They had shut the show down. I don't even remember if I got to tell a joke. Wow. I don't even think I did. I think I might have started my act and they stopped everything right as he was getting off stage. And I didn't realize what was going on. But they didn't like his language or subject matter or whatever. It was for sure mocking the drunks.

Because they were like this. This fucking show sucks. matter or whatever it was for sure mocking the drunks because they were like this I mean they were so drunk dude like no one could sit up straight everyone was like that's what I'm saying they're like sedated and there was only maybe 20 people in the hole in the whole bar I hate bars and we came over there on a ferry to do this terrible comedy show so I was gonna ask it seems like a place like Put-In-Bay put in bed yeah we got stuck man we couldn't go back we had stuck we couldn't go back until the morning and then we went back in the morning i was like whoa that was a that was a rough one but that's an island like you get those people that just live on this little island and they just get hammered together yeah there's a few of those islands. It's not a happy island.

You think of island life, you think of like Kauai, you know, where Laird Hamilton. Kauai. Is that Kiwa? Is surfing. Kauai. Kauai. I know cold islands are not the same. No, cold islands are different.

You don't get no Gabby Reese on them cold islands. I heard Hawaii didn't have any coronavirus and they closed off Hawaii. Is that true? They should. Good move for them. Shut it down if you can afford it. Because people coming over, they're going to bring it.

The question is, what if they bring it and it doesn't affect them the way it affects everybody else? They have a few. They have a few cases. Up to 175. You heard about Germany? No. Exceptionally low mortality rates,

like somewhere in the neighborhood of one-tenth of 1%, less than everywhere else. Really? Yeah. And then there's, I believe, Sweden. And Sweden, in an experiment, they're not shutting down anything. They're not shutting down anything. They're not shutting down, yeah, they're not shutting down restaurants or schools or anything. I could go bad fast.

Or not. Yeah, how are they doing right now? Maybe they're looking at it the same way Germany's looking at it. Yeah, but the whole thing is overfilling the hospitals all at once and not being able to treat people. Right, and that's why they die, because they don't get the right treatment right yeah yeah 100 i mean it's there's no fucking real answer to this thing it's uh it affects people so differently some people get it and it's almost nothing and some people apparently in wuhan are testing positive again so they test negative they they get it positive again. So they test negative.

They get it. They get over it. They test negative. Then they test positive again. But they're asymptomatic. They're asymptomatic, but it's still active. That's what people are scared of, that it's going to be a certain percentage of the population for whatever reason aren't going to show any signs of this virus. And those people are going to spread it to everyone around them and not even know they're

doing it. But in a sense, we kind of all are doing that. If you're around any people that go anywhere other than at your house, like if you go to the store, like if you're going to the store and we're all going to the store, bro, you don't know what you're running into. You're going to the store. I mean, you hopefully are not going to catch anything at the store, but this stuff lives in the air.

People are breathing. If you just, I don't know how much it takes, how much particulate matter has to be in the air before it can get into your mouth. Oh, look what you got. A Bane mask. And it has the filters. Do you wear that when you fuck? Don't lie.

Not anymore. Sounds sexy anymore? I was lucky. I bought these things before the virus because of allergies. Are those good? Well, this has the filters in it, the charcoal filters and all that. I don't know if it does anything. Oh, I'm sure. The charcoal filters do a lot. Yeah, it's replaceable filters.

Sounds good. But it makes me feel better when I'm in public. The other day I was at the grocery store and of all people an old Chinese lady starts coughing ridiculous and the whole grocery store was quiet all looked over at once just stared at her but she was not even like covering her face she was just coughing up in the air oh my and I was like thank God I had this I pulled out and it at least makes me feel better like it but I think the particles fall directly to the ground like there are water, so it doesn't even matter.

I was trying to get my family to watch World War Z or 28 Days Later. They passed on both of them. I was like, World War Z is rated PG. It's PG-13. Really? Yes. Shot of the Dead's a good one. Yeah, but World War Z is ferocious.

Remember that? That scared the shit out of me. World War Z is ferocious. Remember that? Yeah. That scared the shit out of me. I was listening to a podcast where they were talking about this guy that got bit by a mountain lion that was rabid. And any animal that's rabid will be, like, real aggressive, and they'll go after you. I'm like, just think about that, because that's kind of like what it is to be a 28 Days Later zombie-type character, right?

You just want to bite people to give them a disease. And that's kind of like a rat who has rabies is trying to do it. Chasing a cat. Yeah. Or you. Something like a raccoon trying to bite these people that I was reading about. It turned out the raccoon had rabies. Like, oh, when they have rabies, they want to give it away.

That's what the virus is doing or the disease is doing. It's trying to get in another host. So it makes you go, go get him. I want to get, like, that's what the virus is doing or the disease is doing. It's trying to get in another host. So it makes you go, go get him. I want to jump into him. Imagine if something like that rage shit from 28 Days Later gets out. It's scary. So much scarier than what we're dealing with now, folks. Again, we have it good in comparison to how it could be.

Asteroid showers and rage all at once. Rage gets out of the lab. The chimp bites the trainer. The trainer bites the doctor. The doctor bites the nurse. The nurse bites her friends. And everybody starts biting everybody. And that's 28 days later.

Bro, that's rabies. That could happen. Why couldn't it happen? It can happen. No power. Ast no power asteroid shower grid goes down no internet people start lying again jesus and then rabies i want you to feel good about today right now we're doing good man we can still get gas we can still get food yeah but like there's our internet's already stressed. They have to take down all the Netflix and video games are going down like 720p. There's a thing called books I want you to look into.

I want you to start reading. Come on, bro. Fuck that. Fuck that, both of you? Dude, my internet went out for a half hour last night, and I almost freaked out. I've set some good fitness goals. That's what I decided to do. I set a real good schedule of. That's what I've decided to do.

I set a real good schedule of shit that I need to do, that I'm definitely going to do X amount of days per week, and I've been on that. And I fucking love not traveling. You know? Yes. I'm sorry for everyone that's out of work. Don't get me wrong.

I'm not being insensitive here. I'm just telling you my life. The positive thing about not traveling is you feel way better. Your body's not getting beat up all the time. Your body gets beat the fuck up when you travel every weekend. You fly on a plane every weekend. That's positive because we had to cancel, obviously, a bunch of shows. And just being at home. God, I love it.

No stress. No stress. It's nice. Petting your dog. Yeah. Going for a walk in your neighborhood. All that shit's important for people. And you don't realize, because we have this crazy life where we're always flying around,

you don't realize how unsettling that is until you're home for a period of time. We should do residencies in L.A. the way they do residencies in Vegas. I guess we kind of do already at the comedy store. Like set up shop at a small theater. Just like, I'm not going anywhere anymore. You want to travel? We're doing shows in Burbank. We'll buy a 500-seat theater in Burbank,

do shows there every weekend. There's one right across the street from Bob's Big Boy. Because you can travel. I don't have to travel to you. You can travel. I'll make the tickets cheaper. Airlines are going to be so cheap when we get back and running.

Everyone's going to be like, please fly, please. We're hanging out by a thread. JetBlue. Just like last night, the cheapest shit. Cheapest shit, right? For like flying neck this weekend,

you could buy first class for under 500 bucks. That's crazy. Round trip to China was $400. I mean, that's pretty good. Round trip should be $400 in your bank account. They should pay you.

They should give you foot massage the whole way and say they're sorry. Do you think that's going to come, though? They might shut down the airlines because that seems like a dumb thing. Yes, of course. They're flying around. That's what I was saying. I mean, look, if you look at that cell phone map, I mean, we're doing a better job than those fucking kids are. Those kids on the beach are doing the worst job because they're 17 and they're horny and they're drunk and they have a phone.

But if you just look at people that are traveling for business or people that are going to supermarkets, if you just look at it honestly, there's so much room for it getting out. I definitely think it's a good move to stay in as long as possible and get as many people that are tested negative as possible so that we can save as many people as we can. Don't get me wrong, but I am saying they're not really stopping it. They're stopping some of it. You're not 100% stopping it. And they're not going to be able to either. They were talking about quarantining New York City and Cuomo had an interesting quote he's like it's almost like the federal government declaring war on states and war on cities i was like whoa like if the federal government comes and says nobody leaves and nobody goes in like oh fucking christ are we really doing that and cuomo's like look that's not this is not a good thing to do like you bring in the military and have tanks and shit. Everybody's freaking out about next step, right?

What is next level when you say quarantine? And now Trump is given into this idea that it's going to take until April 30th. So he's given up on his Easter idea, and now he's saying, you know, that doesn't look realistic. It looks more like April 30 just for the personal space guidelines. He said June 1st right after that. He's like, June looks like it'll be a great time. But what about May? Yeah, what about May?

Yeah, I think it's June 1st sounds like a way more realistic thing then. Dude, imagine if everybody's out of work for three months. Do you know how nuts that's going to be? All these people that had thriving businesses and through no fault of their own, they lost all that they worked for for decades. All these people that are taking care of their families, all these people that are raising kids, putting kids in school, putting kids in daycare while they're at work, all that shit. There's so much of a disruption here. And no one knows what to do. No one has a solution.

But people are blaming Trump. Like, look like look man what if he was right what if what if we were on the bright side of this thing they caught it early and his rosy predictions proved true that would be great they weren't but no one's were no one knew means some people had a better idea than him for sure but no one really knew what was gonna go on and we're really still puzzled by some places. Like I was talking to this guy that was saying there's a real issue with Italy because Italy's numbers are so out of whack. You look at Germany and you look at Italy. Italy has crazy numbers.

And they're trying to think lifestyle. They're trying to think close proximity to family members. They're always on top of each other. They live a lot of people to a place, and they social gather all the time. And then they're smoking. They smoke a lot of cigarettes. A lot of smoking. Yeah.

And then there's also a very high population of old people. Yeah. So then they look at Germany, and this is why I always tell you, if you have a choice between an Italian car and a German car, you get a fucking German car all day. Because Germans are very, very fucking disciplined. And they're structured and they think things out and they engineer things well. And for whatever reason, whether it's because their hospital system is better, whether it's because it's a genetic thing,

whether it's because more people over there have better health care and they get treated quicker, their mortality rate is really low. It's weird. Have you read about Sweden? Did you find anything about Sweden? What are they saying? They have closed colleges and universities. They've limited

restaurants to like 50 people, but they are saying people can eat in them. Schools for kids under 16 are closed,'t it's like voluntary for everything else like voluntary lockdown yeah expecting people to make the right decision that's their that's their take on it what's that little thing you got there fella uh just charger oh i thought that was maybe one of them weird phones you know how they have those little baby ones well they have those uh foldables You know how they have those? The little baby ones?

Well, they have those foldables. Oh, I want one so bad. Do you, though? I do. I want the, not the Razr, but the Samsung one. That one looks cool. Well, they have two Samsungs, one that folds like a clamshell. Yeah, the clamshell.

That's the move, right? Yeah. But you think you could be okay with Android? I think it would be good as a second phone. I think it would be good as a second phone. The thing about Android, man, is those iMessage group chats and FaceTime and AirDrop. AirDrop's huge. They're so wise. Apple did such a clever move in sucking us into their net.

I like it, man. You can't get out like this. We're the spider's web. Because I have a Samsung phone. I have a note 10 it's a great phone I like to use that for looking at stuff like watching YouTube videos and stuff like it's a huge screen it's got no bezels basically yeah and one little tiny hole punch in it you know it's killer and the 5g is nice it's nice but it's never I've used it once. It's nice that it's there. But the thing about it is it doesn't get AirDrop.

If someone wants to send me a picture, they have to text it to me. I might not even get it. The Samsung does, or I mean, Android does have their version of AirDrop. I could never get it to work. I don't think you can do it to Apple. In Apple, you can't do it to them. Fuck off. I have no problems with the iPhone.

But it's just interesting that they figured out a way to do that, to rope us into their net. Because if they didn't rope us into their net, then it's like, you could get a really good Android phone now. You know, like right now, they have that Samsung Galaxy S20 Ultra. Have you seen that? Yeah, that looks great. That thing is a tablet. You're carrying around an iPad. It's huge.

That camera dough. Oh, my God. What is it, 108 megapixels? Something like that, yeah. That is so ridiculous. And then it has 100x zoom. If you go to digital zoom, it's like 3x optical and 100x digital. I don't even think it's 3x optical.

I think it's something like 30 or something like that. Really? Yeah, because it uses a periscope. Not periscope. Telescoping lens? Yeah. It's like a mirror. We're both morons.

Listen to us. We both know each other. Yeah, I know what you're saying. But it's so big, I switched to the little iPhone. Now, that's something I think in the future I'm going to start because I bought my girlfriend the smaller version of the 11 Pro or whatever.

It's the best one. And it's way better. Yeah. It doesn't like sit weird in my pocket. That was the other thing. Like the big one in my front pocket

and it was like, first of all, what kind of radiation am I getting on my dick? Yeah. Lots. Yeah. Making some weird

fucking Doctor Strange kids. But the other thing is like this thing fits. It's big enough. If I'm looking at shit, it's fucking big enough. But it fits perfectly in your hand. It's not too heavy. I've been wearing my watch a lot lately and just leaving my phone at home

because the number is connected. So if somebody calls me or texts me, I get it on my watch. Except Android people. You're fucked. Oh, that's right. They probably can call you you know they can call it they can text you but they can't I message you or does it get SMS as well oh I guess it does work on this MS yeah what am I thinking my sister sends me these voice to text checks and I guess she does it while she's driving and I'm

I'm like do you ever read these? They're the worst interpretation of what you said. There's no periods in any of it and I look through it and I'm like what are you saying? She just rambles into her phone and then sends me this text message. It's hilarious. She's busy. She doesn't have time to read it. I get it. I'm not mad at her but I'm like what in the hell?

And I said to her I go did you read this? And she laughs at me but it's so bad. I'm not mad at her, but I'm like why in the hell and then I said to I go did you read this and CC laughs? At me, but it's it's so bad You know like you can't yet Leave a whole conversation with somebody you can say a thing pretty close pretty close You can leave a note, but when you want to make like a long story first of all my sister's from Boston, right? She's a boss, heavy Boston accent. You know?

You should post these. I had it when, no. I had that accent when I was 19 until I hurt myself on television. When I was 19, I fought in the Bay State games, and this local news station interviewed me, and I had this terrible accent. I was like, oh, my God, listen to me. I'm a moron.

Do you have that on video? That'd be hilarious. I wish I did oh my God, listen to me. I'm a moron. Do you have that on video? That'd be hilarious. I wish I did. I don't have it anymore. There's a bunch of my old Taekwondo Day stuff that I used to have that I just wanted to shed when I was moving on

with my life. The only reason it was a video of me fighting at all, even online, even though I had videos, was because this guy that I knew

from back in the day, he was on another team and we knew each other back when we were both young and competing, sent me this guy that I knew from back in the day, he was on another team. We knew each other back when we were both young and competing, sent me this stuff. So this is the one video of me sending some guy flying through the air. That's from him. He caught that in 1987 U.S. Cup in Connecticut. Yeah.

So I have the medals. I have a bunch of metals just sitting around I look at him every now and then and it seems like I'm lying they're mine so they seem fake like I think about the Taekwondo days and I look at those things I'm like those mine it's a really mine it's a planted memory Joe that didn't happen I don't have real video of it other than that one video the only time I know it's real is that when I like kick the bag like I'm like oh yeah I can do this like it's some weird thing that I can still do you know like like you ever seen Chappelle do backflips Chappelle

Lacey not Dave Chappelle Chappelle Lacey Chappelle Lacey is like three Dave Chappelle's in the same height. If you took Dave's body and packed in through me, he's a fucking savage. He's so jacked. And he's got ridiculous athletic ability because of years of being a cheerleader. He's a world champion cheerleader. Dude, he throws himself through the air and you cannot believe it because he's a tank. He's probably 230, somewhere around in that range. Solid rock and flips through the air and you cannot believe it because he's he's a tank he's probably 230 somewhere around in that range solid rock and flips through the air throws himself through the air just back flips in the the backer look at this watch this this is him okay it'll replay watch this watch watch what oh

that's him good watch this watch this is ridiculous, dude. Holy shit. It is huge. It doesn't seem possible to do that. But if you're tiny, if you're a 135-pound person, that's one thing. He's, I mean, no bullshit, a solid 235, 240, built like a brick shithouse. Look at him. He throws this girl up in the air and catches her over his head. Look at that. That's ridiculous.

Dang. It's ridiculous. He's a cheerleader? He was a professional. There's no real professional. But he was a competitive world champion cheerleader. What were we just talking about? Why did I bring him up?

Chappelle. God damn, this weed. Backflip? But before the backflip. Dave Chappelle. No, before that. Goddamn it. We're talking about people.

You didn't play state games? No, no, it was past that. We're talking about people who can do crazy things physically. That's probably what it is. That you wouldn't expect. You're like, what? How do you do that? But it's the same thing with him.

He started doing that when he was really young. So his body developed throwing itself through the air. But a normal person his size, it's so hard to get air when you're that heavy. Those guys who get air, if you see them at like a gymnastics event, they're like 160,

170 pounds. Watch this. That's craziness. Dude. I mean, he flies through the air. It's like you kicking a bag. It's kind of like that in that he's doing this because he developed his body while doing this. And when he was real little by himself, he used to practice doing backflips and shit. So by the time he got into cheerleading, he was already physically capable of doing that. He grew up doing it.

And when your body grows up doing something, we used to say that about strikers. Some strikers, some people learn how to strike, they can learn how to strike later in life. They still pick it up pretty well just because they're real fast and explosive. But there's a thing that guys have when they start out striking at a very early age. Like Floyd Mayweather is a perfect example. The really elite of the elite seem to all start out when they're young and sort of develop into fighting as their body matures, like Tyson, like Sugar Ray Leonard. A lot of these guys had extensive amateur backgrounds and then developed into a male professional with some of them 100 plus fights in the amateurs, like Vasily Lomachenko had hundreds and hundreds of fights in the amateurs like vasily lomachenko had hundreds and hundreds of fights

in the amateurs and uh won i think two olympic gold medals before he ever became professional and those guys that they they're they're just head and shoulders above everybody else because like developing as your body's maturing and you're being coached by world-class coaches like floyd mayweather was, like you just get this sense of this sport that other people are never going to get. They're never going to get to your level. You're just on this crazy level. The only way they're going to beat you is if they catch you with like a perfectly placed punch

with anybody you can get hit with and you get knocked out. But other than that, if it's just like boxing for boxing, Floyd Mayweather is like, he's a Zen master. He's got this sense of the sport that most guys just will never have. Like, if you watch him fight, a lot of people, like, they hate on him because he talks a lot of shit and he's got a lot of money

and he wants everybody to know it. But that's also how he sells pay-per-views, dummy. Like, he talks a lot of shit and you get mad and you want to see him get beat, but nobody can beat him. But when he fought Canelo Alvarez, that was a real wake-up call for people because Canelo is a monster. He's a terrifying boxer.

And Floyd Mayweather just pieced him up. Pieced him up. Just pieced him up. Just put on a show, put on a boxing clinic, and you watch him, you're like, wow. He has a special understanding of that sport that I don't think you get if you start when you're 30. I don't think you ever get there.

I think you need to be already elite in your 20s if you want to get to your peak as a 30-, 32-year-old athlete, somewhere in that range. At the top of the game, at the apex, you kind of need to learn as you're a baby. You know? Yeah. It's a fucking weird thing, man. When we get old, we suck at learning things. You know, it's nature's weird thing man when we get old we suck at learning things you know it's nature's

way of telling you bitch pick a lane pick something tiktok get out of here when was the last time you tried to learn a new thing like a new skill or a language relearning PC are you relearning PC to play games

virtual reality I tell you it's a big games virtual reality I mean it's I tell you it's frustrating as fuck like Just I had to download a program the other day just to put a 3d model and just so I could Upload it into a game and like it's like just the you know it's so not like Mac It's it's it's you have to actually dig in and like do code stuff And do you have to enter DOS? Do you go into DOS? I was doing whatever they're doing.

Terminal? Yeah, I think it is DOS. You did that? I did something like that, yeah. You did the commands? In Unix or whatever it's called. Unix is, that's what Apple's based on. Is it?

Yeah, Apple's based on Unix, right? Mac OS. It used to be at least. But Windows isn't Unix, right? You're talking about a different program I had to download a program just to put this 3D model in and I think it's

Unix so you can download a Unix program on Windows yeah and Mac I don't do shit with my Windows computer

other than write right it's my writing computer that's your writing computer yes to me it's you know it's so much

sloppy there's so many Windows popping up, it's so much sloppy. There's so many windows popping up still. There's so many dumb things. Like, why are you asking me this? It wants to update all the time. Yeah. And when it updates, it'll take like 20 minutes. I'm like, you fucker.

You didn't tell me how long it was going to take. Now I'm sitting here with my dick in my hand trying to write. I've heard a lot of people complain about the Apple update thing, too. Because most people don't hit the update now. And they're just like, no, tomorrow, no tomorrow. And it keeps getting after you? Well, those people are stupid. It's a different animal. We're talking about morons.

Yeah, I always keep that stuff up. But for writing, man, you cannot. If you want to just have a laptop, you can't beat those ThinkPads, those Lenovo ThinkPads. The keyboards are so much better. It makes such a big difference. It's the whole difference. It's the whole difference. Because if I looked at it in terms of, like, the quality of the screen

and with the Mac ecosystem, once you're in that ecosystem, like, everything's sort of connected to your laptop. But the keyboard on those Lenovo's is is like telepathic like you know where every key is your fingers fit in that little groove and when you push them down there's like the satisfying amount of travel and you know where you know what you're doing i make so fewer errors than i do even with the new one i got that 16 inch one the new one it still sucks yeah it still sucks it's better for sure than the last keyboard. It's way better than the last one.

Way better. Way better. But it still sucks. Why wouldn't you make the best keyboard ever? Why would you make a keyboard that still sucks? When you know that those Lenovo keyboards are out there. You know they're out there. Somebody must have told you.

Somebody must have told you that there's a ThinkPad keyboard that's literally 500 times better than your shitty keyboard. Or just the one they had two years ago. Like I get my ex or my girlfriend. Yeah. I get my girlfriend, my old computer, and I was playing on that keyboard. I'm like, this is way better than the 16-inch. Like why aren't we using this? You know why?

Key travel. Yeah. Back then you had more key travel. Yeah. Dude, I have that 17-inch. That has a fuckload. Is that refurbished? Yes.

Has a fuckload of key travel. Right. I know where every key is, and I press them. And they take the guts out and put a new gut in? Oh, that's so great. I want that. Yes. But when you press those keys, man, there's a satisfying amount of travel.

It lets you know you're pressing it. And that's more feedback for your fingers, so you're more confident when you're typing. When everything's flat, the same surface, like, ew. Yeah. Ew. Like, how good do you type on an iPad when you have to open it up as a keyboard and you do that? Ew. Ew.

Yeah, I hate it. Get out of here. No, no, no. That new iPad keyboard. Have you seen that? Oh, that's different. That looks sick. That does look sick.

But then what is that? Is that an iPad or a fucking computer? Right. What is that? Well, it's faster than their Mac Airs or whatever. Yeah. I guess it's faster. This is my thought.

When you're going to use a computer, shouldn't it be comfortable and shouldn't it be most effective to use? Aren't those two? You think about the amount of time you spend entering things into a keyboard. Shouldn't it be the most comfortable keyboard you can get and the keyboard that responds the best? Shouldn't it be? Okay. Well, how is that not a giant priority for you? You want everything to look pretty, but you want it to feel like shit. And so even when you know that more travel is better for people that type, especially if you're touch typists and people who write a lot and creative people, you know that. Why don't you do that? Well, I think that's kind of why people like iPads,

because you can bring your own keyboard. Well, you can do that with a laptop too, for sure. But still, why not do it right like Lenovo does? You fucks. And, by the way, metal doesn't feel good. Like, why is it metal? Why am I putting my hand on metal? Why is it cold metal digging into my wrists?

Why is it aluminum? You want to make it pretty? Like, why don't you make it out of like a softer plastic with curved edges so it doesn't suck? Yeah. So it doesn't feel weird on your skin. Curved edges. Like, no. For sure. We want everything. Why are you laughing? You're so deep down in like

the design discussion meeting. I'm like picturing of like, what do you want? You want it to be thinner? I want it to be a ThinkPad. ThinkPad X1, carbon. It weighs nothing. That one was curved. The old 17-inch is curved. When they made that unibody design.

Yeah, but that edge will still cut you up. That edge when you're typing, that edge at the bottom, that cuts you up. It's stupid. The first thing I would cut if I was just like, hey, we need to make a new design, I would just shave the keys in half because they're probably taking up making the double. You know, when you close it, I think that's what they're trying to shrink down, right? When you close it. Shave the keys in half.

How would you do that? What do you mean? Like the piece of plastic that they are that you're saying that made them so much better. When you're shrinking the size of a laptop's profile. Oh, yeah. Well, that's what happened. Cut that so you can close it. That's all I'm saying.

Like they just probably did that first and no one give a fuck. Well, they came out with a patent that they haven't implemented yet of a keyboard that has keys that lower or raise. And this was, like, something that was being discussed. Like, they were thinking, oh, that would be great if Apple had it. Like, you can get it up to 1.5 millimeters or down to, like, 6 millimeters or 0.6 millimeters if that's what you want. But it's still going to be not as good as the Lenovo one.

They're not going that way either. Because the Lenovo one is curved. The Lenovo one, there's like little C shapes, so your fingers fit right into them, and you know where each one is. It's just better. Like, why don't you know it's better? Anyone who types on it knows it's better. You know Lewis from Unbox Therapy? Oh, yeah. yeah dude as soon as he started typing on one he's like what

have I been doing with my life you should get one of those Lenovo laptops and hackintosh it whoo I don't use it for enough it's like what do I need I need Microsoft Word I need I used to use right room a lot, but now I find I can do all the same shit with Word. And then I upload, you know, when I share it with myself so that I have it on my other computer. But that's all I'm doing with it. I'm writing, you know. Like, it's okay. I know the operating system is more clunky.

It's weird. But I don't do anything with it. You know, if I was running a bunch of different programs, I'm just using it as a word processor mostly. It's just way better. It's way better to write on. And it weighs nothing. These fucks.

They keep giving us the same thing. Here's your choice, aluminum or aluminum. I think it's going to get worse too. I think the future is having no keyboard, having an iPad with the haptic feedback I feel like that's probably gonna be it yeah well I think people there's still a group of people that like really want those mechanical keyboards you know and a lot of people hook up mechanical keyboards to their main desktop computer anyway you know they just feel better there's more travel you know where you know what's going on once you get

accustomed to that god damn it you don't make any errors. You know where each key is. Your fingers sort of fall into place. I mean, if you're a way better typist than me, and many, many, many people are, maybe that keyboard's not as bad. But for me, that keyboard sucks. Especially the old one. The new one's better. The new 16 is better than the old 15 for sure, no doubt about it. But it still sucks. They have a lot of questionable design. One of the biggest design dumb things that Apple's ever done, I thought they would have fixed it by now. But their mouse, how you have to charge it on the bottom.

The plug to charge it is on the bottom of it. So say you're out of battery, you can't just plug it and use it like a mouse while it's charging. It pretty much uses it or makes it, you can't use it at all. So you can't use it while it's charging? No. Right here? Yeah. The plug, well, I guess this is an old one.

Oh, it plugs under it, so you have to open it up and get in there. No, no, no. You have to plug it right here, so it's on the bottom. So you can't even use it if you just need to hit enter or something or whatever. It's the dumbest design ever made. They still have it like that? They still have it. Why don't they just have it at the end

so you can use it like a regular mouse when it's charging? They want you to be responsible and charge your mouse. They shouldn't ask you to be responsible for that. What if something's important and you want to enter it right away?

You can't do it? Yeah. Why does iPad not have multiple users like a computer? So if you want to give your wife your iPad, you could let her log into her own account so you don't have all your shit open oh it doesn't no oh i didn't know that how how are they not added multiple laptops but they do with laptops well that's the difference between mac os and ios right ios that's easily fixable yeah but they're worried They're about to be all the same thing soon. I don't know when.

Jesus. I hope so. It's just going to be OS. Do you think you would ever? See, the thing about Apple, though, they're way better with privacy. Way better with privacy than Google phones. Oh, yeah. You know, like I was reading this thing about Android phones where there's some apps that

send information to other apps. They have agreements where apps contact other apps and let those apps know what you're doing. Yeah. That's how they got all that data for that thing I showed you. It didn't come from nowhere. Oh, yeah, right? Yeah, good point.

That new Zoom software everyone's using, like even if you don't sign in using Facebook or say anything about Facebook, you're still getting your shit sold to Facebook. That's crazy. How is that possible? it's commodity yeah you know it's a commodity and there was a great guest on the Sam Harris podcast I wish I could remember it but this guy was talking about privacy and this very thing he's like there became a commodity that we didn't know was going to be a commodity

and we all sold our rights away to it. We all signed the user agreement. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Click. Agree. Send it. Come on. Let me get going. I just want to use it. I don't want to pay attention to what that fucking user... You want seven, eight pages of legalese? You're like, what am I agreeing to? Yeah. You know? Those end user agreements, man.

Those are one of the sneakiest things that people have ever perpetrated on folks. That South Park episode. By the way, don't you wish South Park was going on right now? I know. If I was Trey, I would be like,

dude, let's just do this. He's probably writing. Yeah. He's probably constantly writing anyway. He'll probably have like five episodes ready to go

by the time everything gets running. I hope so. Five Corona episodes. I wish what's going on right now. They're probably going to be the most fucked up.

Oh my God. Does Comedy Central think they had a hard time when they were drawing Muhammad? What kind of a hard time are they going to get from the coronavirus yeah yeah and how bad is comedy going to be for a couple months when people comics start getting back on stage because you know at being no one's been working out you know this it'll be fine in a week yeah not even depending if you listen to your recordings recordings right yeah if you listen to recordings you could

you could get going i had a dream that i was in the middle of a bit and i forgot how to do it oh fuck yeah it was like a bit that i don't do anymore so it's even weirder but it was in the middle of a bit i was like god damn, how's this bit go? I forgot. But if I was going to go up when this is all down and we're back up and running, I'm going to do short spots at the store and get the legs under you again. God, everyone's going to have to. You're down for a couple months. Yeah. Standoff does it all the time.

Everyone's going to have corona. Everyone's going to have corona jokes, though. It's going to be so gross. It's going to be gross. That's why South Park needs to come out right now. Beat them to the punch. Yeah, comedians are going to have the hot take is going to be so similar. Like, what's the hot take going to be?

It's going to be, hey, don't eat a fucking bat. It's going to be that one. There's going to be jokes about Dos Equis or Modelo. There's going to be jokes about that. Those are the real obvious ones. Soprano. Yeah. There's going to be jokes about that. Those are the real obvious ones. Soprano. Yeah. There's going to be mean people that are going to make jokes about headed to work.

Fuck granny. Toilet paper. I need to pay my fucking rent. How about you stay home, granny? There's going to be those people that have that take on it. It's going gonna be fun it's gonna be interesting to see like if anybody has a perspective that you didn't think a lot of comics are hitting to like IG live right now it's it's god-awful watching I cannot stand it the weirdest

thing is comics that thought it was a good idea to do stand up with no crowd saying a laugh factory oh do you seeup with no crowd in front of the laugh factory? Oh. Do you see those? Yeah. Or flappers who's charging $5 a person to go on their pay site or something. What? Yeah, flappers out of control. As usual. Some virtual open mic.

Five bucks to get on their virtual open mic? Yeah, that they had charged for. Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. They're screwing people digitally. You gotta do what you gotta do. In a way, I say, hey, they got to stay open. You know, nobody is more willing to give you money than some crazy open micer that wants to be seen. Right.

Right? Especially someone with a legit job. Like most of them have a job and then they do stand up on, you know, their spare time. They got a little disposable income probably because they're crazy and they have no friends. Right? So they're not spending on anything other than medication. The next thing you know, boom boom five bucks for flappers and they hit them what if it was like one dude about the whole block oh that's a layer yeah I want to open my car who bought the whole

day YouTube into it all day more he wants the prestigious flappers brand behind him and so he does it he He just dominates the Flappers website all day. There was a stand-up video game a few months ago. I don't know what happened. Do you remember? Comedy Night or something? You could go into a place and take your turn doing, I think maybe if you got booed off like the Apollo,

you're done and the next person goes up. I think Grand Theft Auto was supposed to originally have the comedy store be a comedy club that you can go into. That would be cool. I wish they would do that. Hey, did you see those people singing along to Biggie in Brooklyn? That was not real.

It wasn't real. No. I thought so. My wife is the first person to notice nobody's leaning out the windows. No, this is a crowd voice. You could hear it. It's like from an arena. God damn it.

Tell that right away. What was it? Sons of bitches. They pretend. Dana White, they got him. They got a lot of people. They got Jamie Foxx.

Jamie Foxx, everyone. Yeah. Yeah, I was like, that's pretty cool if they did do it. If someone was blasting Biggie and everybody started singing along.

Oh. But nope. That's hilarious. That's not possible. These fucks. Well, it's because the Italians actually did do it.

You know, in that apartment complex, and they were all singing into the... What did they? Well, you could see them singing, though. But this one lady came outside, and she was playing the recorder, and her husband fucking smacked it out of her hand.

They did a concert last night. Shut the fuck up, what is a thing? On Fox, Fox News, something. It was, like, being broadcast live, but almost all of those videos were being lip-synced and whatnot. Oh, boy. Some of it was real, but, like, I was watching. you could see it was fake i'll never smoke weed with willie again yeah that's what that's got to be a bummer man imagine if you went on stage to do stand-up

and they wanted you to lip-sync your old shit imagine if they had like a an album that you did and you had a lip sync to the album including the ad libs dude has anybody ever tried maybe because they lost their voice or something and got you know like the way that ashley simpson did it on snl and got busted i never heard of it can you imagine comics doing that that's what i'm asking that's what he's saying that's crazy crazy I could imagine some crazy people doing it Like some people that are really off People do some dumb shit I can imagine

We have this random thing I don't know if I ever told you this on Kill Tony We'll have Joe Rogan calling in And it's just me on Spotify Going alright what are we talking about Gaze alright click on gaze And let's go 10 seconds into it And just me on Spotify going, all right, what are we talking about? Gaze? All right, click on gaze. And just go 10 seconds into it and just press play. Like, Joe, what's going on?

And we just randomly hit you saying things. And when it works, it's the funniest shit ever. Oh, that's hilarious. I'm a soundboard. No. Random. No. Sometimes it doesn't work.

So you guys are still doing Kill Tony? Yeah, we're doing it tonight. We're doing a lot of phone-ins and call-ins. It's mostly just me, Tony, and Jeremiah. It's a good move to keep doing it, man. Because these are going to be, first of all, when people look back, they're going to look back at these shows where you guys were on downtime. And you're like, these motherfuckers are committed to this show.

Even though they're completely quarantined, you can't do any live shows, they did all their shows by themselves, no live show. And you'll keep all your audience. It's very cool, too, that when they made this stay-at-home order, they included podcasts as being essential, which was very cool. Or media. Or media. Very important. Yeah. And, you know, yeah, we're all safe.

We're not high-fiving and kissing each other like we normally do. And it does feel good to do. Like me and Holtzman still are doing the podcast. And people like it because, you know, they're so depressed at home. And, you know, seeing us not freaking out and just having a conversation like we're doing right now, it's like, oh, maybe I need to chill out a little bit. People need to chill out. They do, but also some shit needs to change yeah i don't know what can change though man i mean what can you watch that video with those fucking cell phones spreading across and think about the virus spreading across like how can you lighten things up and still keep people from getting infected

that's the great question and why do some people have almost no reaction to it why are some people asymptomatic that's the scary thing about new why do some people have almost no reaction to it? Why are some people asymptomatic? That's the scary thing about new diseases, man. You know, when something new comes along, they're all like, what is this? There's one thing I like about this. I don't have to give anybody my joint. Just hold on to these. I think that's the future.

Or glass tips. Get your own, bitch. Even glass tips. Who knows what kind of spittles inside that fucking disgusting thing. Blue light glass tip. Sucking in through the new glass tip. Fuck out of here. Yeah.

The fuck out of here. Bong hits. Ew. How about the fucking, remember that vaporizer bag we used to have? The volcano? Oh, the volcano. Oh my God, would we get obliterated with that thing? That was funny.

You still have that? Yes. Kept it. Storage. Do you still have that bong that was like 10 feet tall? Yeah, I gave that to somebody. Fuck did I give that to? Oh no.

I gave it to somebody. Maybe Tony's got it or someone. I had too many bongs and I never used any of them. I think it was beautiful though. Oh, that crazy sculpture one? Yeah. I used that one because it was so beautiful. So ridiculous. It I never used any of them. I think it was beautiful, though. Oh, that crazy sculpture one? Yeah. I used that one because it was so beautiful, so ridiculous. It was like a piece of art.

Yeah. But it just happened to get you high. That was nice. Eddie and I, that was like the early days of my pot smoking, too, and I thought it was a good idea to have some ridiculous sculpture, some ode to weed in my living room. Yeah. You had that cool media room.

The gold Buddha. some ode to weed in my living room. Yeah. He had that cool media room. The gold Buddha. Such a weird time right now that I keep thinking of what it's going to be like on the other end. You know, instead of just living, which I never really do, I never really think what's it going to be like on the other end.

I always just do stuff, you know, like whether I'm doing a Netflix special or whether I'm doing podcasts or doing standup, I just do stuff. I don't think like, Oh, I do it like this. One day it'll be that. And then maybe people will like this and maybe they'll, I just keep doing it. But now I'm like, what is going to be here? Like what, what is society going to be like with no restaurants? What is society going to be like with 50% unemployment? What is society going to be like if that disease kicks in again? And what's going to survive?

So I'm wondering about the future now. I never wonder about the future. I always just kind of do. I'm so about the future now. I never wonder about the future. I always just kind of do. I'm so lucky now. I realize so, so lucky that I can do that, that I can just concentrate on the shit I enjoy doing. And the big advantage of that, too, is it helps you be good at that thing because you have less stress. You have less things you're thinking about. More sleep for everybody.

But now everybody's got to be a prepper. Everybody's got to be a little paranoid. Everybody's got to be a prepper everybody's got to be a little paranoid everybody's got to be a little a little whacked out by this everybody does even people like you and i that would want to just blow it off and think live in the moment now you can't now you have especially if you have people you love that are relying on you like you have to have food now you have to keep food in your fucking house fine toilet paper that was a weird one it is we're glad I'm glad I have a day why didn't everybody go crazy for food why everybody worry about wiping their ass why is that the number one thing that seemed to be the issue more than water like yeah water makes more sense in toilet paper water makes a ton of sense and so does food like dry

food bring get oats right get oatmeal shit like that rice stuff that lasts a long ass time you need pasta you need stuff that you could just make with a fire and a pan and some water you need to be able to just have stuff that'll keep you alive for x amount of days that's what you need you don't need toilet paper you need a rag and a sink and there you go you got a clean asshole ta-da you know or get one of them ones that we got in here squirty up the booty hoses thing they have a new one that was a sponsor that you can attach to the back of a toilet it's like it's not expensive either oh yeah what is that called you caught it tushy tushy

right yeah how much does that cost it's very off it's $79 yeah so for 80 bucks you get a clean asshole and you save save a million dollars on toilet paper. And it takes like three minutes to install, and it's the same water that you brush your teeth with. Perfect. It goes right into the sink after you clean your asshole. No. No, it's not that water. No, no, no.

I mean it. It's the same water. It's real water. That was on the read, and that was my favorite thing to say. It's the same thing. It's cleaning your butthole. The warm water one is only $30 more. Oh, splurge, folks.

Unless you're a hard ass. Unless you're one of them Navy SEAL type dudes who likes to suffer. Yeah. And if you decide to get a more expensive one, you can skip the air drying one because it just makes the whole place smell like your asshole. It's disgusting. I don't like the air dryer. I went over this person's house once and they had a bidet and inside their bidet was a bar. I was going to take a leak.

There's a bar of soap and a wet rag. And I was like, ew. What? Ew. Gross. Ew. Because that's how you use it. You get in there with that soap.

You wash the old poop chute. I don't like that. And that water shoots up. The bidet is like the most un-ergonomically friendly thing that's ever been designed, ever. It's basically if you fall and slip, if something happens and you've got slippery socks on

or shoes, you fall, that pipe is going right up your asshole. That stupid pipe. It's in the middle. How do you fall? People fall all the time, Jamie. People die trying to climb fences. Do you know that? Those spikes on fences kill people

every year. You slip and fall on the bidet and it punctures your asshole like a robot dick. Think about what that thing looks like. It looks like the top of a hammer. The one we got, it doesn't come out until you hit the button. It's like our little robot dick. Think about what that thing looks like. It looks like the top of a hammer. The one we got, it doesn't come out until you

hit the button. It's like a little robot arm. That's different, but it's not a bidet. I'm talking about a bidet. No, no, no. That's a bidet seat. A real bidet. You're like, what? That's why it didn't make sense to you.

You're talking like the real... You're like, what? That's why it didn't make sense to you. Go. You're talking like the real. Yeah. You're imagining Joe like, no, don't go in my ass. These folks, it was a French doctor and his wife. We were over their house. They were French. And they had this bidet.

And it looks like, you know, like if you slip, like you're getting your butthole cleaned by this little fucking pipe that's sticking straight up with little, it sprays water, and you're supposed to get up in there with soap, wash it down. Nope. That's the way to do it, though. Better than the way we do it, all smearing everything. There it is.

So that one's a, that's a safe one. Some of them have protuberance. Used to have one like that, right? Yeah. Some of them, yeahuberance. Used to have one like that, right? Yeah. No! No, Jim, what is that? That's a broken toilet. That is not a bidet. Jesus Christ, son.

I'm trying to find one. I'm trying to find one that sticks out more. Alright. I'm going to give up here. What is that circle circle Look at that The drawing to the left With the red circle

Click on that Oh wait You're talking about See these look small They're a little Maybe someone's a cruel person That had the house That I was in

Yeah maybe It was one of those douche sticks I know when I used to date That porn star She used to have The anal douche pole Maybe it was That's a lot of work

Right here Jesus that's a hose Look Look at this one. Wow. I was in New York once, and I posted it on Instagram. The shitter had not one, but two hoses. Had a hose on either side. I didn't get it. I didn't get it either, until someone explained to me that

some, because it was a very fancy hotel, and some people from other lands prefer to wash their hand wash their ass rather with their left hand so the lefty style so for you to ask them

to grab a hose on the right hand side and hose down their asshole they'd be offended you're not supposed to do that with your right hand you're supposed to do it with your left hand

hmm hmm I had like that right like I had like a hose off of it yeah two and one on each side like an industrial strength I think I made a YouTube video

or an Instagram video huh yeah it's um it's a better way to clean your ass that's for sure like the way we do it with toilet paper is really disgusto it's fucking gross you're just smushing it around like if you had that shit on your eyebrow,

not your taint hairs, but your eyebrow hairs, how much rubbing? There it is. One on the left, one on the right. What the fuck, dude? Look at that. I like that. Did you try it out? Yes. With much shame. Was there poop juice everywhere?

Look at that one, man. That one's for a big asshole. Maybe one's for a pussy and one's for an asshole. Maybe you double jam. Right and left. Right hammers the clit. My bidet has a pussy mode and an ass mode. Girls

probably use that thing. It feels good on their butt. I'm ashamed to admit it. That warm water squirts up on your butt. I guess it's a smaller little thing than I remembered. I don't think you have to worry. Though the bidet, there's a bidet on the other side of the room too. Look. See there? Over there. There's a bidet.

So there was a bidet. See, that's what I'm talking about. See that little robot dick that's sticking up? Did you see it in the bidet? Watch. See, watch when they turn it around, or when I turn it around after I grab a hold of these two things i was super confused the other side has a thing that pokes out in the middle and that's kind of what i was talking about and some of them are a little higher than others but they're these weird little there it is i just i don't what kind kind of shit do these people take? This is not a shower.

This is a regular toilet. And then, a bidet. There it is. That little robot dick. Not that part. The other one. The one earlier. See?

It doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter. You don't have a touch bar on that laptop, do you? No. Touch bar is the shit. Because even in an Instagram video, you can back it up and rewind it. I was just going to say they need to add

a fucking play bar. Are they doing a touch bar? Yes, you can. I turned all that shit off. Oh, no, no, no. It's great. That's the only good thing about the 16-inch MacBook

that I appreciate is that touch bar. For YouTube videos, you scroll back and forth. It's so much better than having to keep your finger on this one area on the trackpad and hold on to the thing move it left and right or click on this clear that it's so seamless like you know exactly where

your finger is it's a more effective way of navigating like YouTube videos you you're your track of landscape that you're navigating in is very defined right so you just get your finger on it you just move it back and forth it's shit nobody ever uses them. There's a bunch of keyboard shortcuts on YouTube to use, which are great and helpful, but I couldn't tell you what more than two of them are. I can skip frames.

Are they listed somewhere? You can skip five seconds. Yeah, they're listed a bunch of places, but you can jump to all sorts of parts in the video just by hitting certain keys. I didn't know that. Yeah, save a bunch of time, but no one's going to ever remember them or use them.

Right. They should open up gyms. When do you think they should do that? Let people work out. With social distancing and proper cleaning, it seems like they should be able to do that. They should only open up gyms for people who never contact anyone who contacts old people. You have to sign a contract. If everyone cleans after themselves at the gym, which no one ever does.

I mean, it seems like that's the dirtiest place ever. Gross people spitting on the floor. Sweat. They want to go back. Yeah, sweat. I mean, what kind of a disgusting virus-carrying solution is sweat from some dude who didn't shower today, went straight to Gold's, fucking pumped up, ready to get my PR in. Or PB, personal best.

Personal record. PR, personal record, right? Yeah. You got to know those terms, bro. Have you thought about doing anything special? It's like now that you know you have to be locked down, like it's a good time to work on something. Well, I've been really getting into broadcasting vr i'm learning how to do it the best way and and i'm into vr man i think that's the future and and

these new games coming out and just let me ask you this can you broadcast you playing half-life yeah i do it i've done five broadcasts on my youtube page. And I'm trying to get it so I could have my whole body in there maybe in the future. But that takes a lot of work. Dude. Broadcasting HD VR in Half-Life in a game like that would be fucking amazing. If you think about how many people play games, they can figure out a way. You know you watch someone play and it's real similar like if you remember the back in the quake days we'd watch demos

like if a really good player was playing oh yeah i'd watch like there's this dude named thresh i've talked about him on the podcast before i watch all his demos because he was just so he's still around he's around yeah he he he and i exchanged the messages messages way back in the day, but it was obviously before this corona. Step one of what you're saying. Yeah, this is like step one, but you could see her butt, and in real life, you would be her. Yeah, this is what I'm trying to do at my house right now,

and it's hard to do because you have to have a lot of green screen crap. That's cool. This is cool. It would be interesting to see someone walk through in third person, but what I'm talking about is first person. I know, I know. Dude, that would be the shit. This game allows you to place a virtual camera for the purpose of doing this in there.

So without doing that, you can have the headset version of it. Oh, you can. Yeah, I did the headset version. Yeah, what I'm saying is when people watch you play a game, Yeah, that's what I'm saying is, like, when people watch you play a game, they're going to want to watch you survive some crazy VR, like, fantasy game like Half-Life. Yeah. Like, that would be really captivating.

Because it's one thing to watch a guy play a game, but if you could put the VR goggles on and watch with him, and you're looking around and I'm seeing what you're seeing, holy fuck, dude. This guy's on, oh, sorry, the commercial, sorry. Oh, Jesus, you scared me. I'm like, that's really realistic. That's, dude. This guy's on. Sorry, the commercial. Sorry. Oh, Jesus. You scared me. I'm like, that's really realistic. That's really realistic. Super realistic. There's people doing that, though, I think.

What are those other good series that are out? I know Amazon has some good series now, people were saying. Yeah. That Tiger thing, I highly recommend. Yeah, I'm definitely going to see that, but I want to see something that's fake. Devs? Devs? Oh, that's right. Is that Amazon? That devs oh that's right Amazon that's Amazon that's Hulu Hulu that's good really good that one actor that guy from Parks and Rec what's his name that comedian guy he's great man he's in devs yeah he's one of

the main guys like he's the Steve Jobs guy and that's where in Westworld's back I don't have you ever gotten dude I liked Westworld, but the wife got a little grossed out and started pulling people's heads up. I know. Don't stay away from the spoilers. They're everywhere. Yeah, Westworld's not in the West anymore. No, not Westworld. I mean, Ozark.

Ozark spoilers. I haven't done Ozark. People are binge watching, like instantly. People are so greedy. I know. They use a bottle of toilet paper and they sit there watching Ozark. But, oh, the other one is The Expanse. I heard The Expanse is really good.

Have you ever seen that? A bunch of people that I respect that like sci-fi told me that The Expanse, which is a, I think that's an Amazon show. See that? Yeah, it's four seasons in. Is the season coming soon? Amazon? Know anything about it?

No, I haven't seen it at all. Brian? No, I've never even heard of it. What? I heard it's really good. There's too many shows. Oh, there definitely is. And they never stop.

Yeah. They never stop. They never go, we're just going to keep the shows we have and make them better. Nope. And I only watch that Tiger show, too, because I was so annoyed if people asked me if I watched it. I'm like, I've got to just watch it just so I can say yes and know what people are talking about. I'm tired of hearing about it. Yeah.

Dude, I was watching regular TV, and you couldn't, for some reason, fast forward through the commercials. What? Yeah, there was something going on where you couldn't fast forward through commercials. I was going in and out of this room with with the tv and i couldn't figure it out but while i was watching i just stopped and paused watching these commercials on regular tv for these upcoming shows that they have and it's like it's almost like they're trying to put you into a coma like they're trying to put you in a state of mind like like some fake ass norman rockwell painting of America some weird like they're trying it's a calm down easy

to predict version of a drama you know we're all in this together and it's perfect music and we're all about God and family and they're all hugging and smiling and like what are you doing to me here? It doesn't work on me anymore. I can't watch that shit anymore. No you can't watch it

but that's what I'm saying It's so strange when you compare that to some of the shit that we watch now. Like if you watch Game of Thrones or if you watch Ozark or if you watch The Outsider, all these crazy fucking shows. You watch a show that's made like a 1980s CBS drama and you're like, what is this?

And then you realize, oh my God, they still make them. They still make them. They make them just like that. made like a 1980s CBS drama, and you're like, what is this? And then you realize, oh, my God, they still make them. They still make them. They make them just like that. Grey's Anatomy has been on TV for 15 plus 20 years. I don't even know how long. Is that still on? It's still on, yeah. Is Dr. Dreamy still on that?

Dr. Dreamy. Is the main girl still on it? I don't know who else is still on that show. Is he on it? He might be. You're talking about Dr. Dreamy. Patrick. Yeah. I met him once. He's a cool guy. Is he on it? He might be. You're talking about... Dr. Dreamy. Patrick... Yeah.

I met him once. He's a cool guy. He was a very nice guy. Yeah. I like what sports is doing now because there's no sports so they've been doing NASCAR video games and it looks so real

like a real NASCAR race and I guess Madden next week is going to have a football game but it's going to be a video game, Madden football game. So that might be

the future of sports. They are talking about doing, the NBA might do their whole tournament in Vegas this summer because just like they do NBA Summer League, they can't play any, they're fucked right now. They've not taken two weeks off. I saw LeBron said they might

need like 10 games to get warmed back up to even start going. They have no preseason again. There's a China league that's starting up soon. There's players from America that are going to go over there. They have to just work out on their own, just like some UFC fighters who can't fight right now. They're going to go and play in China?

Yeah. Son. Nah. Nah. They get paid a lot. Stephon Marbury is a big star there, and he's trying to get some ass sent back to Brooklyn where he's from, but he's a huge star in China now.

Damn. Yeah. Interesting things happening. The whole Premier Soccer League team, all over Europe, they're going to have a World Cup event type thing, a huge TV event. They're getting TV partners in place. They're going to quarantine everyone, put them in little camps, all the teams. I don't know, 30 teams maybe, 25 teams.

Who's buying up all the stock now that the market's crashed? Because you know that shit's going on. A lot of people. That Barstool sports guy. Well, I mean, all sorts of people, right? Some people say that's a good thing to do. I don't know. It seems like it's still crashing, so I don't know.

Well, you gotta wonder, because the people that can buy the stock are the people that have the most money already. Grocery stores. this could be a giant change and like who owns what yeah somebody could buy they speculated that like uh what company i think apple could just buy netflix or something crazy like that or disney it was disney i think they said it was disney could buy netflix no apple could just buy dis, yeah, they definitely could. They definitely could. They have so much money. They're so weird.

Like, the amount of money they have is weird. You know? Like, what an amazing move. What company has that kind of cash? No one. Amazon's close, and they're going to maybe be the first $2 trillion company. But it's a very different thing. They sell everything.

Right. They sell toothpaste and fucking bubble gum and nails. They'll sell you everything. But Apple just sells you computers, phones, watches, sippage. That's it. It's amazing. For right now. It's amazing. But no one has loyalty to tech products the way people have with Apple.

They didn't even have a store 10 years ago. Is it 10 years? I don't know, but it's not been that long. There's no Apple stores. You had to go to a micro center. I think it's more than 10 years, but you're right. But dude, that fucking Genius Bar, that was the ultimate. Do you call it a Genius Bar?

Like, really? They're not. Come on, man. I needed help recently. These are just people that work here. Why are you saying geniuses? These aren't geniuses. You're making these people operate at such an exaggerated standard, right?

Like, they have to be geniuses? Right. Can't just be a guy who understands batteries? Oh, yeah, man. We'll run a test here. No, it has to be a genius. Excuse me, sir. What's your IQ? Yeah, gateway. We'll run a test here. No, it has to be a genius. Excuse me, sir. What's your IQ?

Yeah, gateway. We just call them tech support. Wasn't it the geek squad? No, that's Best Buy. Best Buy. That's right. Yeah. That's hilarious.

Geek squad. Geek somehow or another is more offensive than dork to me. Oh, yeah. Nerd is the top of the food chain. Nerd is like you could say proud. But geek is like you're a little fucked up right and dork it's endearing kind of dork dork dork's cute dork's cute yeah geek isn't cute geek is like you're fucking freaking out keep it together yeah yeah dork is like you dork like yeah yeah geek is like a more well you can geek out and that's not that bad that's

a good point you can geek out in a good way yeah that's a good point yeah no one's complaining about language right now notice that yeah all that went away but it's so much corona it's just tiring watching. It's exhausting. Well, that's the other thing that's going on with people is the fear, man. When you have a hard time dealing, you have anxiety, you have apprehension, you're just fearful of the future and fearful of the disease. Some people had anxiety before this.

This is going to accelerate everything. That's going to be real hard just for mental health of people. It's going to be people that are going to have a really hard time also accepting that this is just something that happened to them. This is not something that they did wrong. You know, when something goes bad and you did something wrong, it's kind of like, ah, I made a bad decision. I should have done it that way. I fucked up and we should have had that meeting and then you know you might know why your business fell apart but if it falls apart now it's like you didn't

even do anything wrong and the government gets to tell you they have to sit back now if you were a conspiracy theorist and so many of them are you would think what would be the best way to gain more control of the people? The best way, first of all, to accelerate despair and accelerate unemployment. You would do all the things that are just going to happen from what naturally happens in a disease. People are willing to give up certain civil liberties if they think they can get more safety.

And it's true. We should stay home. It's true. It will be better for everybody. It's true that we need to take precautions. It's true that we need to self-isolate. All those things are true. But it's also true that you're giving a certain amount of power to the government to lock things down and control you.

They're giving people tickets in New York. If they catch them walking around, they give them $500 tickets. They're doing it in other places too, I'm sure. And that's where it gets weird, man, because who are these people? These people that are telling you you can't go anywhere, they're just the government. They're just people. They're people telling people that they can't go somewhere, which is fine if we need to do that like right now. But what if it just sort of stays that way?

What if it stays that way to a lesser extent? What if they say, you know how we're going to stop coronavirus from really taking place? I want to know where you're going. I want to know where you're going. I want to know when you go through each state, we're going to have checkpoints. We're going to pull you over. It's going to be a heightened police state. Sir, have you been tested for the coronavirus? And you put a fucking thing on your forehead. What if this thing really does start coming back the way it has in Wuhan,

where people tested negative and then they later tested positive? If that happens here, are we going gonna keep this lockdown thing going on? What if it's something that we all have and it comes back like when John Jones had those steroids in his system and the picograms and it just kept flashing back? What if that's with this stuff? What if we test positive for coronavirus

every couple years? What if it's like herpes? What if you keep it for life? What if we're assuming we got rid of it? We're gonna just accept martial law? We're just going to accept tanks in the streets? What are we going to accept? It's a real good question. So if you were a nut right now, you would

be fucking going crazy. Because you'd be saying, all the pieces are in place for like a hostile takeover. And they're in place because they really truly are the best ways to save people's lives. it's all it's all smart thing to do but if you were a conspiracy theorist you'd say this is exactly what i would do

if i wanted to take over and that's what we have to be really careful of we got to be careful of somehow or another walking that very fine balance of protecting people from a disease this invisible killer and preserving our freedom and preserving rights. All those things are very important that we don't just give that up. Because it's not the way to go. It's just not. We have to figure out our way through this disease, and then we have to figure out some way to return to normalcy. And that's got to happen.

We can't just stay like this where no one works anymore. We can't just not ever take risks. We can't just not go out. So once this does get rolling again, it's going to be real interesting to see how much, if any, control the government retains, how much, if any, restrictions get imposed, how much of these restrictions we just absorb

and they become new things, a normal thing rather, where you just go to the airport, you have to take a temperature test. You go to the airport and they wanna test you. Or we're gonna have to start wearing suits, like kinda like Star Wars, like these kinda suits with helmets and breathing apparatus and everyone that works at the grocery store

is gonna be robots, you know. Imagine that, you get to the hotel and you're like, pshhh. You decompress and unzip and you enjoy new york city from your balcony look so pretty out there with all the murderous viruses swarming around killing people what if the viruses got together made virus tornadoes and started just throwing people against walls or virus babies if you're born. Listen, man, if a fucking, if a wind can pick up a semi and make it fly through the air, like we've seen, why can't a virus tornado just slam you into a wall? Imagine if, like, viruses accelerate billions of times and they form colonies and they become

intelligent and they realize if they move quick enough, they can actually, like, they can knock you off your feet and they go down your throat like a demon. I don't know, that's not happening already. It's crazy, for sure, but so is a regular virus. So is a regular virus, I mean, just what we were reading about the H1N1 and all these other flus that kill so many countless thousands of people.

Not countless, they counted them. They're actually pretty accurate, right? We had to double check. I mean, just think about the sheer numbers of people that have died from those things. If those were demons instead of diseases, how freaky would that be? If we were like, look, we're going to lose a certain amount of people every year to demons. No matter what we do. Why is it better to lose to a virus

than a demon little godzillas little godzillas just running up into your window and killing your grandma baby godzillas fuck god damn it you go in there and she's just bones just white bones sticking up there's a horde of little godzillas just chewing through her meat why would that be more horrific than a virus the silent thing that chokes you to death i need to know i've been thinking that like like there's been that talk when we've talked about UFOs that all all the world needs to get to come together is like that alien invasion this is not too different than what that would be it is

an alien tech yeah it is it's foreign to us action Bronson had it right the whole time just get high and watch ancient aliens and try to get so high you just try to sort through what they're saying he figured it out it's interesting to think what if this did come from you know space like this yeah they're sick of us yeah imagine yeah just try to something just the real fear is that they're eventually going to have something that you can't fix you You know, I had this guy on that was talking about with my friend. Do you remember that guy's name with Doug, Doug Duren, the scientist, Brian? His scientist friend who came in with my friend Doug Duren from Wisconsin to talk about chronic wasting disease. Brian Richards.

Brian Richards. Thank you. And he explained how this has not made the jump to people. But if it does, it's going to be horrific. And it's like it's in deer and it's made the jump to mice and it's spreading through the Midwest. And like this is something you got to keep an eye on. Like this is not a this is not a safe thing. Like if this does make the jump to people and people get hit with

this prion disease that's called chronic wasting disease in deer, if that spreads to people, we're fucked. We're fucked. It's going to be like a zombie apocalypse. If that gets into people, it's like 100% of them die. Deer, they 100% die.

They don't live for very long either and it's a horrific death their body shrivels that's why they call it chronic wasting disease they waste away and they're like vomiting everywhere all this like stuff is coming out of their mouth and their nose and this stuff that's coming out of their mouth and nose is highly contagious and then other deer come along and eat the grass that they spit out this phlegm or this body fluid whatever the fuck it is. And they get it from that.

And they get it from sharing food sources and they leave it everywhere too. When the deer are dying, this stuff comes out of them and they leave it everywhere. It's like the virus knowing it's losing its host and it decides to just land on plants. Bro. It's scary as fuck because it's like mad cow disease. They just reported the other day, read something in china where they found a guy on a bus that got like a version of i don't know if it was corona that usually has never traveled from uh rat or mouse to human it was the first time ever like so there might be already another corona that when did you hear about this

this is like two days ago I found a guy on the bus and they said don't worry this has never happened before these patient zeros are really pissing me off yeah what the fuck Jamie is one hand again let's see who gets it

hantavirus damn Jamie won six days ago Man who died on bus in China Tests positive for hantavirus Motherfucker This is how many days ago? Six

Make this a little larger so I can read it with my shitty eyes A passenger who died on a bus in China Has tested positive for a completely different virus Than COVID-19 One more fatal that often produces very similar symptoms according to state-run media.

The unidentified woman from Yunnan province died while on a chartered bus heading to his workplace in Shandong province, the state-run Global Times announced in a tweet on Monday. He tested positive for hashtag hantavirus.

Other 32 people on the bus were tested. The outlet stated offering no further details. Oh, fuck. The new virus starting just as China starts lifting its strict quarantines from COVID-19. Jesus Christ. It's been around for a while. Okay. However, experts were quickly to point out that it's not a new virus and is only rarely thought to have been passed between humans.

Oh, that doesn't make me feel good. Yeah. It's only recent that this is starting to happen. Yeah, this is not good. Listen to this. The Hantavirus first emerged in the 1950s in American-Korean War in Korea, Hantan River. It spreads from rat mice if humans ingest their body fluids. Human transmission is rare.

Rare is not a word I like. When it comes to a disease, it kills the fuck out of you. Please do not panic unless you plan to eat rats. And a billion Chinese people just went, fuck! Yeah. Well, at least dogs are okay. Well, how many of them eat rats? They eat what they can eat, right?

Those wet markets are just that. Whoa. After exposure to fresh urine, droppings, or saliva of infected rodents. Hey! Symptoms may occur up to eight weeks after exposure to fresh urine, droppings, or saliva infected rodents. Okay, well, that can get a rat to a person. So it can't get person to person yet.

But what if that thing morphs? They're pretending like things don't morph. You know, like, bitch, they got to a person in the first place because they made a jump. All these things, right? Avian flu, swineine flu all these flus they they jump from an animal to a human god imagine if this starts going god damn it well this is what i'm saying now what if it does and then they keep this level of of security and this level of restriction and it restricts your freedom man it makes you really realize

how well we had it before this we just do whatever you want it you just right now you could just drive to Vegas let's go to Vegas let's go see Britney Spears yay you go down there have a nice dinner that's what we go see Britney pretty bitch you know not anymore bitch now No one's going to anywhere if you wanted to take over the world Isn't that the way you do it? I'm not saying that that's what's happening What if I'm saying if you were writing a book on a takeover of the world by another nation? What better way to do it than that? What if North Korea was behind all this?

I don't think they have the resources China since it's in China, it's much more likely. Look, it started from China, whether it was intentional or unintentional. That's beside the point. I don't think it was intentional, but I think that when things like this happen, people do take advantage of opportunity. And you got to be real careful who gets the better hand

when they're taking advantage of opportunity. It's just, it's new ground. It's weird for people. They know where it came from. They have isolated that this thing did come from this market in Wuhan. They know. It's just, it's the way things like this can play out, if there's a bunch of these, is almost just like someone starting a conspiracy. It doesn't have to be done.

It just actually naturally exists. And the same people that would benefit from a conspiracy or who would engage in a conspiracy to defraud people or fuck people over in the first place, they're the ones who are going to jump in and take advantage of it the quickest. That's what's so scary about it. Totalitarian ideas thrive when people are scared. They want someone to take over the reins. They want someone to take over. We're going to block the streets? No more travel.

We're going to block this? You can't go to work. Then you're going to be poor and broke and scared. I'm not saying that that's what they're doing. What I am saying is if you wanted to do something to really take over a civilization, it would be this way. That's how you would do it. You would do it with diseases. I'm not saying they're doing that. I don't think they are.

I think this is just a horrible natural disaster. I want to be really clear on that. But we might come out of this different than we went in. That's real. There's tanks driving down the road in California, tanks. And they're like, oh, they're just getting supplies or something. Like what are you, there's tanks rolling through New York City. My friend, John Joseph, he sent me a video from his phone of tanks rolling down New York City, He sent me a video from his phone of tanks rolling down New York City. Like armed Humvees and tanks.

That's ridiculous. Yeah, freaky, like military vehicles in camo. Like, what are you hiding? You're in New York City. What are you hiding from? What kind of camo is that? Isn't it weird that even when they use them in cities, they camo them up? Yeah.

It seems so rude. It is. It's like to let you know. They might hide in the bushes too, bitch. But they drive through the cities to lock everybody down. If they had those murdered out Matt Black paint jobs instead, it would be a little bit more intimidating maybe. Fuck yeah. Pieces of pizza slices and stuff. Well, at least with camo, if you have your car is all camoed up and you're not in the

military, they're going to have an eye on you anyway. Like are you doing right unless you're in like west virginia dudes who have like camoed up h1s hummers and they're driving those real military style hummered around like please check that guy's house you know please please read his facebook. He's driving around with an armored vehicle all camoed out. Do you really need an H1 Hummer in L.A.? They're so wide. They don't still make those. They don't still make them, but people still have them. Yeah.

Not only do people have them, but people, they do these mods on them. Because they're really slow. Like, a Hummer is really slow. And I'm pretty sure they're a diesel engine.'s like a slow shitty stinky engine it's not it's not good it's not optimal so they take the engine out of those shit boxes and put like giant American engines in there and turn them into it's a company in Florida I forget what the the company is but they make custom Humvees like the real military Humvees but they

deck them out inside with dope interiors and they put ridiculous like thousand horsepower turbo charge engines in them and shit look if if there is even like if you have even one wacky idea in your head like maybe maybe someone could do they already did it wow this is their coronavirus pandemic comer that they made. Oh, shit. They just uploaded it probably today. What's the company? Predator or something.

Yes, that's it. Yeah. Last week. So they made a coronavirus. That's what it says. I don't know. Umvi. I was making a big assumption.

See, that's the shit that they make. They make things like those. That's sweet. But then they put these bonkers engines in them. Have you ever ridden in one of those you're real far from the person we would be like this that's how far we would be yeah if i was driving and you were the passenger there would be almost this much space in between us real they're real real weird but dude you don't worry about shit when you're in one of those things you're

like run me over motherfucker good luck bitch. They just feel like a real tank. You could run over a wall in them, right? That's the thing I remember when I was a kid. I don't know about that. Like a three-foot wall or some shit. Oh, over a wall? Yeah, the whole underside is completely protected. Like you can scratch over all kinds of shit in it.

Everything's inside. That's why there's that big hump. It's because the drivetrain is all protected underneath the chassis. So you get this extraordinary travel in terms of how far you go over a rock, like your height. What is that called? There's a term for that. How much travel space you have underneath the vehicle. Clearance, that's it.

Yeah. So you have underneath the vehicle. Clearance. Clearance, that's it. Yeah. So you have a shit ton of clearance. And, you know, it's a military designed, over-engineered vehicle for the streets. But if you're like super paranoid. I like how my car, you could do the clearance. You could like raise it. Yeah. You know, or lower it.

That's pretty nice. Yeah. Those are the future, right? Cyber truck. Yeah. All those electric cars are the future. They're just going to get better at charging them. It's pretty nice. Yeah. Those are the future, right? Cyber truck. Yeah. All those electric cars are the future. They're just going to get better at charging them. It's the future.

Especially if we could really get solar down here in LA. If we really nail solar. Yeah. I mean, the technology needs to change for sure because it would be nice to have solar on your car. But right now, I think I've read if you had all solar panels on top of your car it still wouldn't do anything yeah isn't that crazy though like you have a source of power that people use to power their homes and big buildings solar but you can't utilize it in a car which is always in the sun yeah especially out here right fisker figured it out you know fisker did they had a

roof they had a solar roof that powered the radio. Yeah. It only powered the radio, though. But that's better than nothing. Do you think it would still be like, hey, if my car is sitting out all day, at least it gave me 20 miles. Right. Something like that. Right.

Right. If it's sitting in the parking lot all day, it should be sucking up some juice. Yeah. I think that's coming, too. I think just the technology is just not 100% there. Well, they need a battery technology jump, right? They need a big jump in how much power gets stored and how quickly you can get it in there.

Because right now it's still a little clunky. Yeah. Well, the Tesla wall, the battery pack on the wall, that's pretty badass. It's pretty badass. But what I mean is it takes too long to charge a car and then it doesn't have a long enough of a range. Right.

Well, that's when the wireless charging on the roads where you're just driving on a wireless charger. You just got to give up a microchip. They put a microchip in your hand and you're fine. And it's also, it doubles as a Corona tester. So you make sure that you never get mistaken for someone with corona they just have to scan you hey are you going to this bathroom can I have your hand please

green go ahead and urinate with peace and harmony go ahead we're putting those UV lights everywhere I'm trying not to sound like a conspiracy nut because I'm not accusing anyone of creating a conspiracy but what I am saying is if I was

a conspiracy nut or if I was a country that was conspiring to take over the world, this is not a bad way to do it. I don't think that's happening right now. I want to be real clear, but it's kind of the same result that we're experiencing right now where everyone's being forced to shut down with who knows what consequences but it's also the right thing to do so we're all like whoa how do you you know it's another one of those things about being a person where the right thing to do still feels crazy still feels like all right we're just gonna sit around yeah i guess that's what you have to do you know and it's kind of in one way encouraging that so many people are willing to stay home and people aren't rebelling they're like fuck you this is

my country I'm gonna go to work I'll take a chance it's everybody's gonna get it anyway fuck you there's way less people doing that and when you consider that the government is controlling 320 million people. Pretty crazy. Almost everyone's complying with staying home. There's only a few essential businesses. Yeah, we're going to have to, I think, really have spacesuits to leave the house and work. God damn it.

And they're going to probably be like this. This metal plastic thing that could wash off really easy. Yeah, they're all going to be padded. Dudes are going to put socks in their spacesuits. It's going to be like this. This metal plastic thing that could wash off really easy. Yeah, they're all going to be padded. Dudes are going to put socks in their spacesuits. It's going to be a mess. Are you worried, Jamie? I've never seen you this worried. Because everything you're sort of saying, I look into the future and sort of

see where we're headed, and I don't see a... I don't really see much out there because I don't know where it is, but it's not anything good because there's nothing there I don't see like going to the movies again seems like that's probably close to out movies were already dying anyway they might not survive this they've already opened up the ability to like put those right into your house for 20 bucks perfect way better sweet so when our movie theaters can open again all right what's next you

know concerts sporting events you know I don't know that's just open again all right what's next you know concerts sporting events yeah i don't know that's just those are all the fun things we used to do so like fuck it's also once everything's in place where they can treat people effectively and they have the adequate number of ventilators then are we going to go back to the way things were or are we going to have new standards in place i don't know i don't know man that they look they did an unprecedented thing they locked down the entire country to save people's lives never happened before we're in new territory and you know it's dangerous when a moron like me is making sense and i'm when i'm one of the people who's talking about something like this.

I'm trying to find it. I just read yesterday. I don't know if someone shared this. This was F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote. I think this was a letter found from 1920 when he was living in France during the Spanish flu. And he was talking. I don't know who he was writing to.

I'll try to find it right now. But he was talking about how they stocked up on a bunch of alcohol and people were being told, almost like now, like you're told not to go anywhere but some people don't believe it.

I forget, he was talking about another writer friend of his who wasn't taking it seriously and like... Whoa, so it was like real similar. It sounded very similar to this.

Yeah. I guess that's how people always have been, right? Especially back then when it's real hard to get information. Imagine people are dying and everyone's just like always have been, right? Especially back then when it's real hard to get information. Imagine people are dying and everyone's just like, what's going on? You got to read the newspaper?

Like, fuck. Son of a bitch. What happened? It's fake. How'd they get you? I just saw that this note was going viral during the pandemic and a lot of people have been falling for it. Son of a bitch. I guess I was one of them.

Well, what a good way to end. Everything's fine. Everything's fake. Yeah. I'm glad you guys are still doing Kill Tony. I really do. I think it's an awesome move. It's the way to go.

Just keep, keep pumping out the content, let people know you're there and you know, they'll be psyched when, when everything gets back up and running again, you guys back up, run into your live shows. I'm hoping we're all on the road again

at the very least this summer. I really hope so. It's been fun, though, having this podcast. Definitely. Good times. Good times. Fun times. Give everybody your Instagram.

Redban, R-E-D-B-A-N. Twitter, same. Yeah, Redban. And check my VR out. I'm doing it Almost every night I'm doing VR Can they join in there And fuck with you

They're in the chat room I have the chat room Open right now But no no no I mean like in the game They can when I'm playing VR chat Which is my second thing

I've been playing a lot VR chat It's like an old chat room Back in the day Oh so you can see it When you're in VR You know Ready Player One Yes

Where everyone's a different avatar Yes That's how it is. It's like you come up and SpongeBob's talking to you. It's crazy. It's a fucking movie, man. Oh, so you actually talk to the people and you see them? Oh, you see them.

You have sex with them in the game. It's great. So check it out. Red Band on YouTube. Oh, they're going to all fuck you now. All right. Bye, everybody. Bye.

Oh, no. That was a good one, dude. Heck yeah. A lot of ceiling.