The Joe Rogan Experience - #1452 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: April 2, 2020

Greg Fitzsimmons is a writer and stand-up comedian. He also hosts a podcast with Alison Rosen called “Childish" available on Spotify.

Gregory, how are you holding up? I am holding it up. Although, not as much as I would like to be holding it up. Like, I think that's a lot. People are talking about all the different constraints of this pandemic. Masturbation has gone by the wayside for a lot of people. If you live in a two-bedroom apartment and you've got two kids, you know. You're going to have to jerk off while you're shitting.

It's the only time you have. That's a lot of toilet paper you're wasting. Bring your phone in there with you. Set up some U-porn on the ledge. Yeah, right. And you've got to land it just right. You've got to let it squirt and then come down betweenporn on the ledge. Yeah, right. And you got to land it just right. You got to let it squirt and then come down between your legs into the water. You got to point down.

You got to hurt yourself. You got to go overhand. Yeah, like you're going deep into third gear. I got a hearse. A hearse. Yeah, that's the thing. And I've never been a shower guy. And especially now that I'm, I'll be 54 on Wednesday. I'm a bath guy.

No, I meant for jerking off. I remember jerking off in the bath once and it just floated. It's fucking egg drop soup. It floated around. It's terrible. Who ordered egg drop jism? It's fucking floating. It's cooking, right?

I remember once I was at my brother-in-law's apartment in New York. It was in New York City. And we played midnight hockey in Central Park. He played in this league. And you go out. It was fucking February. We went out. It was like 20 degrees out. And we played hockey for an hour and a half in Central Park. You know they have rinks out there. Right. Woolman Rink.

And we come back and I was out of shape. But this guy's like a hockey fanatic. So I wanted to do it. So I come back and I was like, I gotta take a bath. So I go into the bath. and they're fucking slobs. It's three brothers living together in an apartment. So I go in the bathroom, and I fill it up. I get in, and I'm laying there, and I'm fucking chilling out.

I'm like, oh, this feels so good. And then I see this egg drop soup, and I and I realize like they all jerk off in the shower and it was just floating and I was like ah and I just like jumped up I fucking showered for like 45 minutes it's so weird that we're more terrified of jizz than virtually any other body part like if I had a choice between a guy jizzing on my pants or peeing on my pants, I'd say peeing all day. Oh, yeah. Right?

Absolutely. But isn't that hilarious? Isn't that weird? It's like we've decided that one fluid coming out of the dick is associated with pleasure, male pleasure, dirty men trying to cum. And to have that on you is like he got you. That guy got you with his seed. Right, right.

He owns you. Pee, you're just an idiot. Why are you peeing on me, man? Yeah, my friends have peed on me. It's happened. You know? If you're out in the woods. We were out in the woods, and we were at a fort. We had this fort when we were if you're out in the woods we were out in the woods and we were at a we were at a fort we had this fort when we were teenagers we were like 13 and we were already

drinking and smoking a lot of pot we were like 13 and uh we were in this fort and we all got shit-faced and then my friend just pulled his dick out and he started peeing on all of us and i remember having to go home that night like my jeans were drenched in piss And he started peeing on all of us. And I remember having to go home that night. Like, my jeans were drenched in piss. It wasn't even mine. Of course, my mother thought it was me. God.

That really is the difference between men and women. Girls don't go out and pee on each other, do they? No. No. They rarely go in the woods by themselves anyway. Right. Right? Just a group of girls in the woods?

That's a horror movie. You're not supposed to do that. Yeah. A group of guys in the woods? That's normal shit. Right. Right? Just a group of girls in the woods? That's a horror movie. You're not supposed to do that. Yeah. A group of guys in the woods, that's normal shit. Right. A group of girls in the woods is like, what are you girls doing out here? Do you have a gun? Yeah. You can't just be in the woods. Yeah. Isn't it weird that the woods make everything scarier?

Everything. It's like where all the grim fairy tales start, right? Yes. Well, it's all wolves would eat people in the woods. Yeah. Right. That's what it was. That's what all the Little Red Riding Hood, like, we don't have to deal with that anymore. So we kind of forgot what can happen. Yeah. Wolves don't play by any rules.

They'll eat your kids. Yeah. For sure. Oh, yeah. And people used to have to deal with that until they wiped them out. I'm not an anti-wolf guy. Don't get me wrong. But that's what those fears are all about.

Going through the woods at night and monsters are hiding and they're trying to get you. Everything's scarier in the woods. We've escaped the woods. We've got some nice hard surfaces and some streetlights. I feel pretty good about it. I feel like we're fucking holding our ground here. But every now and then a coyote will run across Burbank Boulevard. That's right. Every now and then a coyote is on Olive Street just looking around, trying to see what kind

of action it can get in this part of town. Those fucking creeps. It's like the Roadrunner. It's like, you know, the fucking coyote, man. Watch out. He's got some acne shit. Except in the Roadrunner, the coyote never wins. Yeah.

In real life, they always win. Of course. They win every time. They beat me. They killed all my chickens they always win. Of course. They win every time. They beat me. They killed all my chickens, dude. All of them. They got them all. This was here?

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. They killed. You had fencing? Yes. They got in.

They broke into the chicken coop. They killed nine chickens. The last remaining nine chickens. They plucked them off one at a time. Damn. Yeah. With help from my dog at one point in time. My mastiff became off one at a time. Damn! Yeah, with help from my dog at one point in time. My mastiff became

friends with a coyote. And he's way bigger than them, so they used him to break into the chicken coop. So he broke into the chicken coop, and the coyotes got in the chicken coop with the dog. Like, they literally tricked the dog into breaking into the chicken coop.

I wonder if the mastiff got shit from other Mastiffs. Like, dude, you're friends with coyotes? Well, you know, he just got tricked. He thought they were dogs. He thought they were his friends. Right. And my other dog's kind of an asshole, and they don't get along that good. They're both gone now, unfortunately.

They're 13. Yeah. They both passed. And 13 is exceptionally old for a Mastiff, too. He was really hurting at the end. But he was the best dog. But he just wanted to be friends with the coyote. The coyote's like, hey, man, let's kill these fucking chickens.

He's like, yeah, let's kill the chickens. That's hilarious. Peer pressure from the coyotes. The thing that happens with chickens where they'll be convinced that they have laid a viable egg, like they've been bred with. It's kind of sad, really. And they'll laid a viable egg like they've been bred with it's kind of sad really and they'll sit on an egg and they pluck all their feathers out and there's nothing nothing ever happens right this is no egg ever comes and turns into a chick because they're not being impregnated by roosters right which by the way i didn't know until i was 40 okay and i was like oh

yeah of course duh i didn't know that until I was 40. Anyway, you have to take them out of the regular population and put them in a smaller coop where they have to sit up on their feet. And you do it for a few days and they get over it. If you don't, they'll continue to pull their feathers out for like a whole cycle. And they'll do it for like 28, 30 days. It's not good for them. They're pecking at their skin and shit. So you have to separate them.

So when we separated them, we put them in a smaller coop, a little small one where it has to sit up for a couple days. And the dog just smashed that. I mean, he's 140 pounds of solid muscle and bone. The sweetest dog of all time, Mastiffs. They're so sweet.

He didn't want her to fly. But this coyote was his buddy and he was like yeah what a great idea so he smashes this little chicken coop and then the coyote we're playing like fucking clue or something me and my family are sitting around playing some board game and we look up i go a fucking coyote's got a chicken so the coyote's running through the backyard with a chicken in its mouth. And I see it. They had a fence in the backyard where the coyote jumped over that was about five feet, five feet, five inches maybe, something like that.

Yeah. That coyote went like this. Da-ding! Like it was nothing. No shit. You can't believe how agile they are. Yeah, their back legs are like springs. With a chicken in its mouth, dude. I mean, it leaped up into the air, touched the top of the five-foot thing like it was nothing,

and then bounced right over it and landed on the ground so gracefully. Like, I had to admire it. I mean, I know it just killed my chicken, but I'm like, whoa, look at that thing. killed my chicken, but I'm like, whoa, look at that thing. But dude, when you have kids and you see those fucking things, you just go, wait, what is stopping that from eating a baby? Right. Nothing. Right.

Nothing's stopping that from eating a baby. You leave a baby in the yard, a coyote will steal it and jump over the fence with it. Understand that. Right. Fortunately, human beings don't leave their fucking babies by themselves. Yeah. But if you did. Dude, we were in

south africa one time and we're we're taking a hike down to the uh the cape of good hope which is like the point it's like the western point of africa and uh they have baboons there it's like a baboon fucking forest and so we're like should we there's a park ranger there and like should we be scared and he's like you guys fine, but if you put your, my son at the time was about three or four. He's like, if you put him down, they're going to take him. Just like that. We were like, fuck.

Could you imagine watching your baby get snatched by a baboon, which is like a dog monkey, right? They're the weirdest ones. Yeah. Because they, which is like a dog monkey. Right? They're the weirdest ones. Yeah. Because they kind of have like a dog face almost and giant canines. Right. Do you know they're so smart that they train dogs?

Baboons do? Baboons train dogs. Oh, no shit. They steal puppies. They bring the puppies into their little camp and they feed them. And that way the puppy barks whenever anything's coming near so they can go to sleep. Whoa. No shit.

Dude. And they eat babies. Yeah. Damn. What? What the fuck, man? It's crazy video, too. You see these baboons dragging these puppies by their tail, just dragging them.

And then the puppy tries to get away sit the fuck down just put them in the puppy doesn't know what to do the puppy's yiping they give him some food bro they're like little demons trained dogs they're strong as shit they're super strong there's a really really interesting um guy out of uh stanford Robert Sapolsky. And we were really fortunate enough to get him to talk on the podcast about a bunch of different things, one of them being parasites that control behavior of certain animals and cats and stuff called toxoplasmosis. But another thing is that he studied baboons for like a long time, like years. He studied the same pack. He would go back to Africa and study these same baboons over and over again. And while he was studying them, there was a case where a really crazy thing had happened

where poison food had gotten into the dump and these baboons had eaten the poison food. And because the alphas always ate first, they got the poison food and they died off. Oh. And something like that. I hope I'm not fucking this up. But there was some sort of a shift because of eating poison food where the really aggressive males were gone. And then the males just started grooming each other and hanging out.

It was like the hairstylists won. I mean, it's really crazy. It's like the baboons who were more chill. Like, hey, man, we don't have to kill babies. Let's just go raid the dumpsters. Those baboons survived. And then the crazy thing is many generations later, that same behavior, the shift in behavior was still observed. There wasn't so much like super aggressive, angry, tooth and claw males that are dominating everyone else.

It was more like cooperation and working with each other. Yeah, it's crazy shit. I know I'm butchering it. So apologies to Professor Sapolsky. He's amazing. His stuff about this guy, Sapolsky is- So maybe there's something to this Me Too movement. If we castrate all aggressive men.

Well, I have a bit where I talk about hyenas and like matriarchal animal societies. Hyenas, the females, are particularly vicious. I don't want to do the bit. But one of the reasons why they're vicious is because the men are bitches. All right? They're all hee-hee and they're running away and there's lions everywhere. They can't be strong. Yeah, right.

So the females got more powerful. Right. And they took over the society. That happens in all sorts of ecosystems. We have this idea that the males have to dominate because we dominate now. In nature, we

are not a single-celled organism. We're not a primate that has hair all over its body anymore. We're some new thing. Well, we became this new thing because we adapted. Something happened. There was natural selection. There was random mutations and then boom, human being in new thing well we became this new thing because we adapted right something happened there was natural selection there was random mutations and then boom human being in 2020 but that doesn't mean this is the same thing as a human being in 3020 or 4020 or 10,020 we might be turning into

a totally different thing and it seems like we are to me. I mean, if you just look at the difference between, like this, this dope-ass chimpanzee skull that this dude made for me, man. Shane Against the Machine on Instagram. He made that army helmet head, too. But the point is, this thing is fucking way stronger than us. This thing is like, it might look kind of like us, but it would tear us to pieces. Even if it's close to the same weight as us,

it's so impossibly strong. You can't even imagine it. So we're not that anymore. Something happened. Something happened, right? Something happened. We stopped being this ridiculously strong, murderous omnivore.

Right. And we became a human being, which seems to be way more calm except in big bursts of rage, mass shootings. Well, it's like in that book, Sapien, when we went from being, was it Neanderthal to Homo sapien, that they existed at the same time. Yes, yeah. And that actually the neanderthal is way stronger way faster bigger yeah but brain too though did have a bigger brain yeah so wait so i thought that's true i thought the sapiens i thought homo sapiens out thunk out thought out thunk i think they think they did because i think they think that the uh larger brain if i remember

correctly was correct uh connected to the mass of the bodies. The bodies are very massive. Right. They were like my height. It was like a really tall male, like 5'8". Neanderthal brains, bigger, not necessarily better, but they were like 210 pounds. Yeah. They were just built different than us.

And not tall, right? No, no, no. 10 pounds. Yeah. They were just built different than us. And not tall, right? No, no, no. They were short, wide, thick ass fucking crazy thick bones. Like their bone structure was very dense.

They had like real, like the difference between human, like homo sapien bones and Neanderthal bones. You look at them like, damn, these motherfuckers were sturdy. Yeah. You know? Right. You could see it. Does it have something to do with that the homomo sapiens were able to get into trees and

get into places where they could escape? See, in those images right there, they look pretty similar other than the shape of the head. Yeah. And the hips are lower. Yeah. But the bones don't look too much. Well, it's shorter.

But the bones don't look too much bigger. Right. Other thing, I had seen something where it was talking about the mass of the bones, that they were larger. Right. Different proportions than Homo sapiens. It's just crazy that there's been a bunch of different kinds of people, man. Once you really wrap your head around that, what are those ones in Russia that are still trying to figure out? The Denisovans? Oh, yeah.

And then there's a few of them. The Homo floriensis, that little hobbit man that lived in the island of Flores. That's a human. Yeah. That's a weird little human being. Right. Dude, there's been a bunch of us. No, it's true.

If you think about, you know, God willing, this species goes forward as far as you say, 10,000. I mean, can you imagine in the year 10,000? It's almost like when you look at all those movies like ET or any of those, it's always a, it's a bigger head, a smaller body and big fingers. Cause it's just a fucking keyboard. I mean, you think about when ET was made, there wasn't even really computers being used on a regular basis at that point, but they sort of figured out that's what it's going to be. Do you remember that Matthew Broderick movie, War Games? No.

Do you want to play a game? It was like in a computer console. Oh, right, right, right, yeah. Thermonuclear War. He played Thermonuclear War with a computer. Yeah. Remember that's what people thought, like, oh my God, computers are going to take over. They were kind of right.

They just didn't see it coming like this. What do you mean kind of? You don't think they're- Oh, yeah. They're definitely right. It's not like computers are starting nuclear wars and tricking society right but once once they do once they realize how fucked up our priorities are you know once uh once computers one thing you have to say about though though, this coronavirus thing, this is a good example of people who are at least, like, the compliance of the country, the total compliance, it's not perfect.

But it's pretty fucking incredible. Right. Pretty fucking incredible. You've got the whole country to shut down for a month for a virus and just kind of hang out and just no one goes anywhere. You go to the supermarket, minimal movement, you know, just chill. A couple states are holding out. A couple states.

I think Mississippi is like, fuck it. We're going to keep on living the way we do. I think it was Alabama. I think Alabama, see if it's Alabama was the quote that said, we're not California. Yeah. That's so silly. You realize what we represent to the Deep South? We are the fucking annoying,

like, the little snowflake state. Oh, for sure, dude. Meanwhile, we're not at all. There's a lot of tough people. California's got a lot of right-wingers also. Yeah, man, a lot. Alabama governor refuses to issue shelter-in-place order.

We are not California. Look at her. God bless her heart. She's 80 years old. Bless her heart. It's all COVID-19. Kay Ivey said during a news conference on Thursday she would not issue a shelter-in-place order that 21 other states have enacted to prevent further spread of COVID-19. Y'all, we are not Louisiana.

We are not New York State. We are not California. Oh, okay. You got to publish that whole statement. You got to publish that whole statement. You can't just say we are not California. See, that's a little sneaky. Yeah.

It's a little sneaky. Right. But I get it because you can't have the whole thing in a title of a story. Right? No, everything's clickbait. But that's a good clickbait. We're not California. Yeah.

But we're not Louisiana. Not so clickbait, is it? No. That's like, what are you saying? You're not Louisiana. What the fuck does that mean? It's so funny that the South has these, and it goes back to the Civil War. I mean, the statewide identity is so

powerful. You think about how Texans think of themselves. They are Texans before they are Americans. And it's like that in most southern states. And it's like, you know, that's what the fucking war was fought about. But it's Texas more than any of the other ones now.

Texas is a totally different country. I'm 100% on board with that. It's a different country. Yeah. It's Texas. They got their own economy. They're a republic, too. They were, for the longest time, they could have bailed.

Mm-hmm. You know? And they're the ones who had to fight off the Comanches, dude. Yeah. Oh, my God. When I read this book, what is the G What is the the Gwyn now? Empire of the Summer Moon. This Native American book I read, actually listened to it on audio. I don't want to lie. But it's amazing. And it's all about the Comanches and the Comanche Indians and the Texas Rangers, which were created to try to combat the Comanches.

the Texas Rangers, which were created to try to combat the Comanches, this guy moved to Texas and started reading up on the history of American Indian and settler combat and all the different crazy shit that went on during those days. And he's like, what in the fuck? These Comanches just ran this place for hundreds of years. No shit. They were like the first ones to figure out horseback. That was Texas. So the Texas Rangers were the first successful guys against the Comanche.

And they basically fought like the Comanche. They fought on horseback. They didn't dress like regular soldiers. They grew their hair out long. They were just savages. And they were our savages. And they went out and fought the savages at the Savage Game. And that's what established Texas.

That's a deeply rooted, independent place. Like, hey, fuck you. We carved this fucking place out. Yeah. Dude, there's a book. I just finished this book about that exact time. It was about the Rangers when they first went down into Mexico because it's a book by Cormac McCarthy called Blood Meridian. Oh, yeah.

I've heard about that book. It's fucking brutal. Yeah. Dude, it's about these Texas Rangers. They go into Mexico, and they get paid per scalp. Oh, Jesus Christ. So it's just detailing, and it's based on a true story. It's about this group that goes down in there, and they lose it.

It's like Heart of Darkness. They go down there, or Apocalypse Now. Yeah. it's like Heart of Darkness. They go down there, or, you know, Apocalypse Now. Yeah.

They go down there and they start going after tribes that are attacking Americans. And then eventually they realize they're just making money per scalps. They go after fucking peaceful societies, kids, fucking, and they were just,

they would go in and they would pick up babies and smash them against rocks. I mean, everything is detailed about how it really was. And Cormac McCarthy, like, dude, that guy can fucking write. God damn. That wasn't that long ago. No, this was the 1860s. Yeah, that's really close.

Yeah. If you think about the difference between life now and then, but again, you know, look at what's going on with the cartels in Mexico. I mean, there's giant swaths of Mexico just totally controlled by the cartels. If you're a person who lives in that town, like, shit out of luck. No one's going to come rescue you. no one's gonna no one's gonna come rescue you no one's gonna help you now there's no government there's no police right there yeah right there man you want to talk about fucking heroic people how about guys that will stay in the local police and try to fight against these cartels journalists in mexico that'll write about

the cartels you gotta that a death sentence. And then you think about these immigrants that are coming to this country. And it's like, you know, there was a time where we really did honor the idea that if you were a refugee from a war-torn country whose life was in danger, that was a reason to get into this country. And it's very hard for them to figure out at the border who's who and who's telling what story. But, you know, you go to a lot of places in, you know, El Salvador, Nicaragua. I mean, they are literally fleeing for their lives when they leave their towns. Yeah.

That's right next door. Yeah. We got this weird idea that that's far enough away. I know. I know. It's real weird. Yeah. We got this weird idea that that's far enough away. I know. I know. It's real weird. Yeah. Because it's in a lot of ways, it's like any disaster that can happen, you almost should

have saw it coming. Yeah. Like almost every crazy disaster, you almost should have saw it coming. Like why are they still building houses that get torn apart by hurricanes? Isn't it possible to build a house that doesn't get torn apart by hurricanes? Yeah, but economically it's not really wise. It's, like, too hard. When you see houses getting torn apart by hurricanes, like, you get it.

It's a resource issue. But part of you is like, man, as human beings, like, we know how to make houses that survive hurricanes. Right. Don't we? Yeah. We make some hurricane-proof houses, right? Yeah. Why don't they retrofit houses for hurricanes?

I get it. It'd be super expensive. But when you see the amount of money that they have now with this stimulus package, I hate to say it, but it does bring forth a lot of the ideas that people like Bernie Sanders talk about. Where it's like, you've got all this money to help people when the shit hits the fan. Right. But why didn't you have all this money to help people

get out of a bad situation? Why didn't you have all this money to help stimulate inner cities that are economically depressed? Why does it have to wait until the entire country is shut down for a month that you realize, we've got to give these people some fucking money? Where's this money coming from, man? Right.

What have you been doing with it? It's almost like on a micro level, you can look at your own family for a lot of people. Like, I know with me, it's like I'm on the road more than I probably want to be sometimes because I'm always like, I got a kid in college, I got to save money, I got to... And now that I'm not working at all for possibly a long fucking time, and comedians, we're going to be one of the last people back in the workforce because it's going to demand that people trust getting back into groups again.

I refuse to let you call it the workforce, us being a part of the workforce. I fucking refuse. I'm thinking of people out there working in kitchens and fucking carrying big garbage bags out to the dumpster. Those folks, people who are doing things they don't want to do for money. You are the ones in the workforce, and thank you. No, but just in terms of money, I think about, like, I'm fine. We're tightening up, keeping it simple. And I'm realizing, in a way, as far as my family goes,

never been happier with my family. Never felt closer. We're having amazing memories. We're having, we do yoga as a family every other night. We have dinners, we take turns cooking it. We did fucking jigsaw puzzles. It's amazing. And I wouldn't be doing that right now if there wasn't a goddamn pandemic going on. That's true, right? It's like a little bit of a reset in terms of the time that you have and what's worth what to you. What is it? What do you want? Do you want a bigger house?

Do you want more property? Do you want more this? Or do you want more happiness? Yeah. Because for a lot of people, you keep chasing more and more money, but it's not necessarily making you happier because you're just doing it for the money. It's not like money that came along while you're doing what you loved. Yeah. And so for a lot of us, when you're chasing things, like why are you doing it? And sometimes you stop or you're forced to stop. Like, we're forced to stop.

And then you go, why? Am I just living on momentum? Did I never assess whether or not it's smart to be flying all the time and always tired from it? Coming in on Sunday, just fucking exhausted all the time instead of just waking up? Like, now I'm just waking up. I know. Isn't it weird? And I'm like, oh, no jet lag.

Look, I just wake up. Yeah. You wake up and I'm like, look, I'm awake. Working out. It is so weird after 30 years of doing stand-up to not fucking go out at all. I mean, I've never gone – I don't think I've ever gone more than two or three weeks without doing stand-up. And really, I rarely, rarely do less than four nights a week yeah and to not do it at all now for two weeks straight three weeks straight whatever it's been you've ever done where you didn't do it before I would say probably three to four weeks I remember the first time I

took a big break I had knee surgery I had my ACL reconstructed. My left knee, the first one I ever got. And I was two weeks out. Like, no stand-up for two weeks. Then I finally did it on crutches. I'm like, I am doing fucking stand-up. Yeah. I'm like, I am just, I'm getting up there. Yeah.

With crutches on, I did stand-up. I was like, I'm not stopping. Like, this is ridiculous. Yeah. Two weeks was too much. I was freaking out. Because I wasn't that good back then either. So two weeks is like, you know, that's like, that was probably like 91 or something like that that's like touch

and go back then man so how are you dealing with this shift in the paradigm because for us it's not just it's like we are receiving accolades we are getting positive energy thrown at us in the form of laughter. How are you dealing with your psyche in the loss of that? That's interesting. That's an interesting question. That doesn't seem to be affecting me at all. I guess maybe because I've been able to do the podcast still. Yeah.

But also because I'm one of those people that I very highly value recognizing the reality of the moment and accepting it I think it's very important very important to not dwell and freak out about things that you have zero control over this is clearly something

we have zero control over the whole world shut down and I think in those opportunities sometimes it gives you a moment to reflect and go, OK, like, how do I feel about everything? How am I? You know, what what am I doing? Like if this if this really is this temporary existence, am I doing it in the most pleasurable way, the most enjoyable way, the most fulfilling and loving way. Like, am I doing this the right way? Or am I just doing this the way I've been doing it because I'm on this momentum kick of, you know, you're constantly doing more and constantly doing bigger places and constantly traveling.

Okay. That's all fun. No doubt about it. That stuff's fun. But what's the right balance, right? stuff's fun but what's the right balance right there's like a there's a health and enjoyment balance that you have to recognize and family and community balance too like we're all forced to like hang out with each other you know even if we're doing it like social distance style we're kind of forced to be around each other all the time it's good yeah it's good it's what we're

supposed to be that's how people are supposed to live. We're supposed to live around each other all the time. Support each other. Yeah, that's what communities used to be. Take care of each other when somebody's down. Like, what can I do? I mean, it's like one of the first impulses a lot of people are feeling is, all right, first and foremost, take care of my own.

And then the second feeling, which is almost as strong, is like, how can I help other people? Community. Yeah. Our feeling of community. It's enhanced. You know, one of the places that I always think of as the loneliest places is apartment buildings. Yeah.

I always feel like apartments are really lonely, which is a weird feeling, right, to have when you're looking at something that has thousands of people living in one structure or hundreds of people or whatever the number might be. But I remember living in apartment buildings. I never knew any of those people. I'm like, hi, how you doing? Hey, what's up? You just go into your little door, you shut your cage, you bolt it, and you hope nobody breaks in and takes your things. Apartments are weird.

You don't get too tight with people that live next door. Especially if it's rentals. Yeah. If it's a condo where you own, people start to go like, all right, you're going to be here for a while. We'll say hi. Well, Norton, I think, owns this place, and he was saying he don't know anybody. Oh, really?

Maybe it's changed since this conversation that I had with him. He goes, I live with a fucking thousand people. I don't know any of them. Yeah, and he's got a fucking pool, and he's never invited me. Like, how many times, like, kiddingly, I go like, hey, we should all come over on Sunday. You know, like, we'll be at the cellar. Hey, we should all come over Sunday and hang out

at your pool. And he's always like, yeah, his voice goes up like three times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that'd be great. He doesn't want anyone in his fucking house. You can't come to his pool. You can't come to his dungeon, first of all. Who knows what kinds of straps and bolt-ons and who knows what kind of things. Fake feet with a dick insert at the bottom of it.

He's so hilarious. I saw him the other day in Spider-Man. Oh, no shit. Yeah. I hate him and he stinks. Something like that. It was a quick blurb where they're asking him how he feels about spider-man it was fucking hilarious dude his book is called happy endings it's so

fucking funny he wrote two books he's like a jim norton is a legit author yeah and i was saying had a conversation with him about it there he is play it play it Play it. Play it. He stinks and I don't like him. He fucking, he got booked. His agent negotiated it. They sent the car.

He got a trailer. They put on makeup. They went through wardrobe tests. And then just, he stinks and I don't like him. Okay, that's a wrap. Thanks for coming in. I bet that was maybe two takes. Maybe they asked him to do it twice, but he probably nailed it on the first one.

And he'll be getting residuals for the rest of his life. He stinks, and I don't like him. Wasn't a bad movie, man. I watched that. We were watching a lot of movies. Okay, here's something. Underrated. Massively underrated.

Adam Sandler movies. Sure. Adam Sandler movies are ridiculously Underrated. Massively underrated. Adam Sandler movies. Sure. Adam Sandler movies are ridiculously underrated. Yeah. Ridiculously underrated. You watching me, your daughters? Dude, they're hilarious. Yeah.

Adam Sandler has like, I don't know how many movies that are really, really funny, but surprisingly funny. Like, like, Chuck and Larry, the one where he marries Kevin James for benefits. I didn't see that one. Dude, it is hilarious. There's some rough moments in it where you watch and you go, whoa, you could never do this in 2020. It's one of those movies, like if somebody ever goes back on it and looks at it like, hey, what the fuck?

But ultimately, in the end, it was like a really positive movie but dude there are hilarious moments in that movie where i'm like wow this is really fucking funny yeah kingpin oh kingpin's fucking great no no it's a different movie no no i'm not i'm no i'm just saying kingpin is another movie that I wish I could go back and watch again because it's a little too rough for my kids. Yeah. Rated R. Right. But that's another one.

You can forget how fucking funny that movie is. Yeah. I forgot how funny those Adam Sandler movies are, though. Yeah. I really did. Right. There's a lot of them, man. Waterboy is fucking hilarious.

Yeah. It starts off, you're like, oh, is this going to be good? Because, you know, it's 20 years ago or whatever the fuck it was. Well, it's like, I don't know. Did people watch Laurel and Hardy back then and go like, oh, this is fucking, did it all get dismissed as being too silly? It's like, no, those guys now, you know, they accomplished something. They provided something. It's a style of movie.

It's an absurdist, ridiculous style. The Zohan? Yeah. It's a style of movie. Right, right. And he's so good at it, man. Really funny shit. Yeah.

But it's weird. People have this idea about what is acceptable funny and not acceptable funny. And he always got pushed into this category of like, you know, if critics would pan it. Like if you look at a lot of them, like the Rotten Tomatoes, like 14%, 15%. And then the audience is like 97. Yes. Right. Dude, they're just missing what it is. You can't want the Ramones to be Pink Floyd.

You know, Pink Floyd has their own style. And the Ramones had a way more, like Rock and Roll High School, it was a simpler, it's a different thing. It's a different thing. Adam Sandler movies are their own thing. They're fucking hilarious, man. I've watched like five of them over the last week. It kind of goes into the genre of like, Lorne Michaels has never given a shit about critics, you know? Smart.

They take sketches and characters from the show that are funny, and starting with the first one must have been the Blues Brothers or Animal House, and they just started spinning out fucking movies from what they knew were the kernels of something that was very funny. They started there.

And so a lot of them are, you know, even like It's Pat. Like you go back and watch some of those movies. They're fucking hilarious as long as you go in with the right mindset. Tommy Boy I watched too. Oh, yeah. You know, I never saw Tommy Boy before. Yeah. I'm like, why didn't I ever see this?

It's hilarious. Yeah. I mean, it is. Swartzen's in that, right? Yeah. Swartzen's in all these movies. Yeah. He's in everything. He's in Chuck and Larry. He's like one Swartzen's in all these movies. Yeah. He's in everything.

He's in Chuck and Larry. He's like one of the best parts of Chuck and Larry. Yeah. So he's amazing. Nick Swartzen is fucking hilarious. He's really, really, really funny. Yeah, dude, when he was like... When he first came to New York,

I can't imagine he was more than 19 or 20 years old, and he was like hanging around with, you know, all the comics, and he was just like already as funny as everybody else. He already had the confidence and just the knowledge about... He's a really fucking brilliant guy. Well, he's just got a style of comedy, too, that's his. His kind of punchline. It's him. He knows how to do it.

He understands how to put diarrhea in a punchline. He's in every one of these Adam Sandler movies, man. So is Rob Schneider. Rob Schneider's in every one of them. There's so many of these movies where they culturally appropriate. You're like, oh, my God, you could never do that today. Rob Schneider plays this really, really stereotypical Japanese guy. He has Japanese eyes on.

They put makeup to change his eyes to look more like a Japanese guy. He has Japanese eyes on. They put makeup to change his eyes to look more like a Japanese guy. He's got a crazy bowl haircut like Mo from the Three Stooges. It is so racist. You would never be able to do that today. It's hilarious. But it's like why can't you do that today? It's just a character.

It's supposed to be over the top and ridiculous. It doesn't mean everyone in the race is horrible. It's just like this is an top and ridiculous. Yeah. It just doesn't mean everyone in the race is horrible. It's just like, this is an individual that this guy chose to play. Yeah. But I don't think you could do it anymore. No. You'd take too much heat. No.

You know what I was thinking about the other day is like, I watched, what was the show with that black woman in it? Medea? No, it's a TV series with a black woman who's a British actress. She sang at the Oscars this year anyway. What are you watching? What kind of spare time do you have? Do you watch a movie with an opera singer?

Is that what you said? It was... What kind of singing? You know, like R&B. But the point is she's a British African. Because... What kind of singing? You know, like R&B. But the point is she's a British African. You see, there's African American and there's British... British... African British.

How do you say that? I don't know. But she was portraying an American woman. And you think, but is that cultural appropriation? Because she's not an American black woman. Interesting. Ooh, that's a really interesting point it's like an a British woman who's of African descent playing an African American yeah yeah that's a different

thing but I think you there's a loophole there's a cross-pollination loophole yeah how to do that they both suffered yeah you're allowed to do that you what you can't do is blackface. You're just pretending you're a black person from another continent. I mean, you were sold off to slavery in some European continent as well. Cynthia Urvino. Yeah, she played Harriet Tubman. Yeah, Cynthia Erivo.

What was the TV show that she did that was so fucking good? The Outsider. Dude, she's incredible. She's incredible. She's so good in The Outsider. She's incredible. Because she plays an autistic The Outsider. She's incredible. Because she plays an autistic person, or someone on the spectrum, but she doesn't

overplay it. No, she nails it. It's very hard to play that. Not only that, she never breaks. It's like super consistent the entire time. And you've almost like, I don't want to give away too much of that show, because that show's really good. It's called The Outsider. It's an HBO series, a supernatural, scary, spooky series um but she plays this uh savant character i don't want

to give too much of it away because you really should see it it's it's pretty fucking incredible but the the way she does it like you buy you like you're thinking oh the way she thinks she's probably thinking it this way like you start thinking through her right right as she when she you see the character navigate like certain perils and bad situations you're kind of seeing it like oh what is her response going to be to this because you know that you know she's playing this character you're buying in right she's got you fully sucked in you know someone does that sometimes like you're you almost like you're thinking like they are on the screen that's why like when they kick someone's ass you get excited because you almost feel like you're kicking that person's ass yeah there's a phrase for that in writing i think it's called the eyes

in or something like that and it's when yeah um that that does happen right you know there's movies where that like thriller movies where that happens where you don't know how someone's going to escape if they're going to escape if you, if someone's waiting for them, some shit's about to go down. You're like in that person's head in a lot of ways. Right. Silence of the Lambs. Yes. Oh, sure.

For sure. That's a perfect example. Yeah. When it's dark out, when she can't see, and she's got the pistol, and she's trying to figure out where the fuck this guy is. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. Holy shit.

Dude, that, the way they shot that, the way they shot that where they, you know, you're convinced that she's, she's going to one place and then the FBI is going to another place and you're convinced the FBI has got the killer and they've got their guns drawn. They storm the house and in a cut, in a quick cut, they go from them busting into the house. The killer's not in there to right back to her. And you suddenly realize,

Oh no, she's about to walk in on the killer. That's one of the greatest fucking moments in, in a movie history and movie history. Yeah. Dude, HBO has got a lot of good shit. There's a series called My Brilliant Friend. It's an Italian.

It's a series of Italian books this woman, Elena Ferrante, wrote. They were really good. There's like four or five of them. And I read them all. And then they made this series. And it's one of the few times where it's been as good as the books are. And it's in Italian. It's subtitled.

But it's—which all sounds really fucking boring, but it's great. Wow. And the woman who wrote the books, it's set in Naples, which I guess is like a shitty part of Italy. It's like, you know, kind of the ghetto of Italy, but they speak dialect. They call it dialect instead of Italian. So the writer wanted it to be authentic. So she only let them hire actresses from Naples, Italy, which is fucking, there's no acting community there. Yeah. I think it's a dialect of Italian because my grandmother spoke it. Oh, is that right? Yeah. Wow.

Yeah, my grandmother spoke it. Oh, so she was poor. And they would speak it around the house too, and they would explain to me that this is not, sometimes this is not regular Italian. Like some parts of my family knew it, and some parts of my family did not know it. Right. But it wasn't straightforward Italian. Yeah.

There was some weird shit in there. Right. So she wanted it spoken in dialect so uh so they hired they found actors from this fucking town and they are i'm telling you the two lead actresses are they're gonna win emmys it's fucking they're brilliant wow yeah and they're just folks from the town yeah were they acting in their town were they doing like i'm not sure i'm sure they did some acting because they have chops, but like- Dude, imagine if they didn't.

Yeah. All actors would feel like shit. I know. I know. Like these people just stepped up to the plate from a bakery and knocked it out of the fucking park. Well, that's how it was with a lot of like, I think Scorsese would, he knew Italians from Little Italy from where he grew up.

And he'd put some of these guys in his movies, and they were just... Like Pussy. Big Pussy? Big Pussy. What's his name? Joey Diaz? No, what's the guy's name who played Big Pussy?

God damn it. He runs the comedy club in Vegas. Does he really? Am I thinking of the right guy? You're making up Italians. You're so racist. This guy... Yes.

Yeah. Salvatore Pansiero. It's not Big Pussy. It's the other guy. Vincent Pastore. That was his character. So Vincent Pastore is the actor. Sorry about that, Vincent.

The guy that ran- He's amazing, by the way. That guy's fucking incredible. Steve? Steve Chirripa, I'm thinking of. Oh, you knucklehead. Who hadn't done much acting. He was doing that long before The Sopranos.

He was running the comedy club way, way, way back in the day. And then, you know who got him on first? Drew Carey. Oh, no shit. Yeah, Drew Carey hooked him up. Yeah. So he'd never acted, comes in, and he's fucking brilliant. Kills it.

Yeah. Kills it. I mean, literally has one of the biggest roles in The Sopranos. Yeah. And nails it. Yeah. And I'm telling you, I knew Steve Schrepper from back when he ran the Riviera in Vegas. I love him to death.

He's got an amazing tomato sauce, by the way. Oh, no shit. An organic tomato sauce. Yeah. What is the... Pull up his Italian tomato sauce. He's got marinara. He's got arrabbiata sauce, that spicy sauce, like if you get lobster fra diavolo.

Yeah. That's it right there. Uncle Steve's. Oh, look at that. Arrabbiata. I never know how to say that. I only read it. I never actually say that word.

How do you say it? Arrabbiata? I don't know. say that. I only read it. I never actually say that word. How do you say it? Arabiata? I don't know. But whatever. It's got marinara sauce. It's tomato basil. It's all organic, too. It's really good stuff.

Your grandmother still alive? No. No, my grandmother, dude, my grandmother had a stroke, and they gave my grandfather, they said she's got about 72 hours to live. She left, lived 12 years. 12 years after an aneurysm. And he thought she had three weeks? They did not think she was going to make it.

She made it for 12 years. So the last 12 years of my grandmother's life, when I would go to visit her, she was immobile in a bed. She couldn't remember me. No shit. Yeah. It was horrible, dude. Do you think when your grandfather was told she had three weeks left dude do you think when when your grandfather was told she had three weeks left do you think he threw a move on her no i live with them when i first moved

to uh to the to new jersey um from boston oh that's right. When I first had a, when I remember when I left Boston for New York, I had zero money. And so I just stayed with my grandparents in Newark. And my grandmother was in that state at the time where she was bedridden. Did they have help or was it just your grandfather taking care of you? They would have help. They would have nurses would come over and help as well. It was rough, man. Wow. It was a sobering reminder of the temporary nature of life. Because I remember my grandmother when I was little. She was always this powerful lady, this powerful force.

Yeah. She was always yelling at my grandfather, don't rush me. Don't rush me, Joe. My grandfather's name was Joe, too. Don't rush me, Joe. She was like, get out of her way. I've talked about her before, how crazy she was in an amazing way but my grandmother had a monkey she had a monkey no shit yeah chichi chichi used to open up gum peel open gum stick it in smile and chew it but chichi bit some folks

they had to get rid of yeah but chichi lived in the in the uh garage in the attic rather so when i would come over she would have to put they'd have to put Chi Chi away because Chi Chi didn't like kids. Oh, so you didn't get to play with the monkey? Imagine being a kid and knowing there's a monkey in the house and you can't play with it. Nobody could play with that monkey. That must have been torture for you. No, I was scared of that little thing. That little thing, it bit somebody.

I can't remember if it bit my sister or my cousin. I can't remember because we were real little at the time. Yeah. Probably like four or something like that. I don't remember. It bit somebody. I can't remember if it bit my sister or my cousin. I can't remember because we were real little at the time. Yeah. You know, probably like four or something like that. Yeah. I don't remember. It bit somebody. Chi Chi bit somebody.

And then they had to put Chi Chi away. Oh, poor Chi Chi. I don't know what they did with him. Hey, Chi Chi, get in the attic. The kids are coming over. She might have gave Chi Chi away. My grandmother was the real deal, though. She made like homemade pasta.

Oh, that's amazing. The whole thing with dough to flour to sauce. There was not a goddamn thing that was not made by her. Wow. She grew up in Italy? Well, she was born in Italy, but mostly grew up in Italian neighborhoods in New Jersey. Right.

And that's where they were living when I came to visit them. That's what people don't realize. You go to an Italian restaurant in L.A., it's like there's some really good ones, but you can go to a fucking – you go to Route 7 in New Jersey and find a little Angelina's fucking restaurant, and it'll be the best Italian food you've ever had.

Yeah, you can get some ridiculous Italian-American food. That's what's interesting. It's like it's a different style of cooking even than Italian-Italian food. And when you go to Italy, a lot of the things we associate with Italian food, like the marinara sauce and the meatballs and that kind of stuff, that was more made popular over here. Like that style of Italian food, like lasagnas and shit like that, that we consider like Italian food. A lot of that was made popular over here like that style of italian food like lasagnas and shit like that that we consider like italian food a lot of that was like made popular over here when you go over there things are more elegant you know having like linguine with clams and it's a perfect presentation you're going to these nice restaurants and even the pizza seems different over there you know but

italian americans it was a different breed because it it was the psychos that wanted to get on boats. The same with Irish-Americans. They're the people that were willing to get on a boat and drift across the ocean, man. We don't want to go on a fucking cruise line right now. You don't want to go on a cruise. Yeah. Now, they would come over on a boat. My grandfather was one of 13 kids.

Twelve of them came over one at a time. The family lived in a fucking three-room hut. And every time they somehow could get enough money together, they'd take one of the kids when they were like 14, put them on a boat in steerage, sent them to America. They had like fucking third cousins in Montana. They had nothing. They were coming into Ellis Island with nothing.

No like address, no fucking iPhone giving you directions They had nothing. They were coming into Ellis Island with nothing. Nothing. No, like, address. No fucking iPhone giving you directions on how to get out to Brooklyn. And they just kept showing up one by one, and they all made it. Every one of them made it over here. It's incredible. It's insane. When you think about how bad life must have sucked in Italy and in Ireland at the time, and in England as well, that people were willing to just hop on a boat and take a risk.

Yep. No video, no photographs. You know that? There was no photographs until like the late 1800s. So a lot of these people, they're just guessing. The people that came over here in the 1700s The 1800s Just guessing

Just guessing what's over there You got a drawing for me? So I can risk my life and my baby Can you show me a drawing? This is a mango forest All the mangoes you want Alright, get the baby Let's get on the boat

Let's drift across the fucking ocean while we're drunk. Let's kill a few people along the way. Not knowing what diseases are going to be there when you get there. Bro, they were all diseases. Yeah. You know, that was one of the things that Dr. Peter Hotez was on the podcast yesterday. He was explaining quarantine. And he was saying that essentially when a boat would come into a harbor, the word quarantine came from 40 days.

They had to leave these people on the boat for 40 days to make sure they weren't- A current. I never thought of that. To make sure they weren't infected with the plague. So that's how they handled it back then. Yeah. Yeah. This is nothing new.

But back then, they didn't even know when the plagues were coming or what it was or how to avoid it or what are the symptoms. There's no vaccines. There's no vaccines. There was no vaccines. Imagine no vaccines for fucking smallpox. Imagine that. Like it's just going to storm through and disfigure everybody. Sorry. with a corpse of somebody that died from smallpox,

and they would inject you with it, with some cells from the corpse. They would go door to door with a wagon with a corpse in the back of it, and they would give you injections. No. Yeah. How many people did that give smallpox to? I don't know, but I guess if you give a small amount,

they realized that it worked as a vaccine if you gave a very small amount. Really? Yeah. Was that effective? I imagine some people died from it if it wasn't done right. We have to figure that out. That's fascinating. See if you can find...

Jamie's the fastest one-handed Googler on planet Earth. We're not going to say what he does with his other hand. He's swishy. He's jerking off in the tub. So this would be – I typed in injections with corpses. Nothing quite came up right away. Like on wagons you said or something like that? Yeah, I remember watching – HBO did this special about John Adams in Boston,

and there was a scene from it where they were going through town with a wagon with a corpse in it shooting people. When was the first vaccine? When was that? I don't know. If you had to guess.

What was the polio vaccine? What year was that? That's not the first one, but that's the most. Like, who knows a guy who made a vaccine more than anyone knows Jonas Salk? Smallpox was the first one. Yeah. Really? First vaccine.

And what year was it? 1796. Holy shit. They had a vaccine in 1796? So that must be exactly what it was. Yeah. What did they know in 1796? So that must be exactly what it was. Yeah. What did they know in 1796? Dude, you imagine getting your leg broken back then?

Fuck! Yeah. The odds that you had a doctor that knew what the fuck they were doing. Oh, God. There was no good medical schools in 1796. You read about guys getting their medical degrees in like a year. It's always like John Hancock. Yeah, he had a medical degree.

He had a law degree. All by the time he was 21 years old. They didn't know anything. My lawyer sucks. What do you do if they're bleeding? Try to stop the blood from all leaking out. Get a rag. Dude, whenever I think about old school doctors, I think about the scene in The Wolfman with Benicio Del Toro,

where they're running exams on them in one of those medical theaters. Yeah. You know, they used to have medical theaters where people would sit in the stands and look down and watch people perform operations. Oh, yeah. So students could just sit there. People could just sit there and watch. It was like a theater, right? Coughing how fucking weird is that right? I mean the wolfman movie

That's when Benicio del Toro becomes the wolfman in front of all these people. They got them all strapped in But the the people that are in that audience. They're just gawkers. Yeah, just sitting there watching some guy saw some dudes leg off They're just gawkers. Yeah. Just sitting there watching some guy saw some dude's leg off. Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! They got him biting down on leather and shit. Fuck. What would you pay to do that, though? Sit in that audience. Jesus Christ. I don't want to see that. You'd be so freaked out. But, I mean, people go to see horror movies.

They want to get freaked out. Yeah, but that's not real. I know. That's why this is better. Part of what's fun about horror movies is it's not real violence. Yeah. You know? I had a conversation about that with Hugo Martin.

He's the creative director for Doom, which is Doom Eternal. It's a new video game. And in the video game, Doom Eternal, first of all, looks insane. It's a new video game. And in the video game, the Doom Eternal, first of all, looks insane. It looks so good. But the gore is so over the top.

Like you're ripping people's heads off and blood spraying. They're all like zombie people. You're like cutting them in half with a chainsaw, like crazy shit, blowing them up. And he was like,

because it's so, so over the top. It's cartoonish yeah it's less disturbing than like if it was more realistic and i was like right right okay i was like arguing it a little bit but i've been thinking about it a lot like whether or not that makes any sense like it's one of those thoughts that's stuck in my head yeah it's like tarantino movies like you know in that scene where they uh they have that sword fight in that chinese restaurant which one's kill bill and kill bill when and uh uma thurman is just fucking slaying and there's there's like four inches of blood on the floor when she's done

that's right because it's a comic book so it doesn't after a while you're kind of laughing dude his movies are so hyper violent yeah i forgot when we were talking recently about Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, the scene in the end when people are just getting smashed. Yeah. It's like, whoa, you forgot. You forgot some of the scenes that that guy's put in movies. Right. But is that less disturbing somehow than something that's more realistic violence? I don't know.

Is that more disturbing? Here's a perfect perfect example than silence of the lambs the silence of the lambs that scene with jodie foster in the end was so realistic yeah like you you really felt trapped with her like fuck like something real but did you feel like that when you're watching once upon a time in hollywood no you're watching like spectacle. Right, right. Like you enjoyed it. It was great. It was a great movie. But it was like spectacle more than I have genuine anxiety because I'm worried what's going to happen to her. Right. Yeah, there's a movie called Wait Until Dark that was made back in like the 60s. And it was no violence.

Nobody gets even slapped in the face. And it's the scariest movie you've ever watched in your life. Really? It's about this blind woman, and she's going through customs, and somebody, like, sticks heroin in her luggage, so she brings it home, and now they've got to go and get the heroin from her. And so she's blind and she lives alone, and so they sneak into her apartment,

and it's all about her trying to defend herself and so she she turns off all her she smashes all their light bulbs so she's on even footing with them so they're trying to find her in the dark and it's like it's fucking amazing if you're looking for it wait until dark yeah I found I couldn't find like verage of it, but I actually found the scene from the John Adams thing where they're showing, I guess this would be an interpretation of what inoculation was like. Whoa. They're carrying around on some wagon. Oh, it's not a corpse. He's still alive.

So they scrape some pus off of him, and then they inject it into people. Jesus Christ, Jamie. Yeah, and he cuts a little hole in her arm. Oh, my God. For those of you who watch this on YouTube, I'm not showing this. Just look up smallpox inoculation, John Adams, HBO, you'll find it. Wow, that is goddamn crazy. You know, that's interesting that that's how they used to do it

because was it the polio vaccine? It was one of the vaccines where you got a big scar from it. I actually have a scar. Oh, is it around? On my left shoulder. It's like sort of a slice. Oh, no shit. Yeah, yeah.

I had it from the time I was a baby. I guess I might have one too. I don't know. Yeah, that's. Yeah. Yeah. I had it from the time I was a baby. I guess I might have one too. I don't know. Yeah, that's what it looked like. Yeah, like a little slice. Damn. Yeah. That was from a vaccine that I got when I guess I was a baby.

I think it was a polio vaccine. Or was it smallpox? Is that a smallpox? It's a smallpox. I typed in polio, but... Whatever it was. Soon we're all going to have... They fucked you up.

Hopefully we're going to have a mark from a fucking coronavirus coronavirus vaccine they say a year to a year and a half yeah stop yeah whatever is stopping people from uh funding medical research i hope they open up the floodgates now yeah right i hope they realize like hey you need of these guys, and they need a lot more money, and they need to be way ahead of this shit. Well, yeah, because this is one pandemic. There are multiple different scenarios of how this happens again. Sure.

Well, there was another guy that died recently on a bus that they identified as having a completely different coronavirus in China, but he got a virus that specifically hasn't jumped from human to human. It's only jumped from rats to humans. And the way it jumps from rats to humans is by ingesting animal feces or animal urine or animal fluids. So this guy somehow or another got some live bat fluid in his body and was dying on this bus and they pulled the guy off and he tests positive for a totally different coronavirus that's killing him.

What do you think would happen, like imagine some guy gets corona and he's got it fucking bad, systems are shutting down, this is it, he's gonna die and he wants to have sex again but he doesn't want to get anybody sick. Jesus Christ. So he fucks his dog. And then all the symptoms go away. And he realizes he's found the cure.

And now he has this moral obligation. Does he call the CDC and say, hey, I'm kind of embarrassed to tell you guys this, but I think I cracked it. And what if it's only his dog? What if everybody has to come to his house and fuck his dog? We tried fucking a bunch of different dogs. There's no way to recreate this thing unless we fuck Marty.

Marty? But I fuck Marty. No, we're all going to have to fuck Marty. There's a train of people every day outside of Marty's house. You're trying to breed Marty so you can fuck the puppies. You're trying to do calculations on how many pumps it takes to cure you. You can't let people pump too many times because poor Marty needs a break. Does it help if he blows you?

Put peanut butter on my dick, see what happens? No, no, no. Everybody's like, the pounds are empty. Everybody's adopting dogs. I'm fucking dogs. Oh, my God. Look, biology is so weird, man. That wouldn't even be that shocking.

Right. That's the way a disease gets cured. You have to fuck an animal. Yeah. How's it any weirder than some of the shit that's real? How's it any weirder than some of these parasites that, you ever seen those videos of frogs that have the parasites in their eyeballs and they're swimming around their eyeballs?

Oh, no shit. It's so creepy, man. Really? Yeah, they're getting eaten from the inside out by these parasites that are in their eyeballs. This poor frog is sitting there, and these worms are squirreling all around, like visibly under its eyeballs. Yeah. Fuck, man.

Dude, my brother-in-law, he's a cinematographer. He shoots nature stuff, so he goes, like, deep into the Amazon. He shot the first live, I want to say, rhino or hippopotamus birth ever filmed. Look at that poor frog. Holy shit. Dude, nature doesn't give a fuck. Nature is just going to war 24-7, finding new ways to fuck up animals, testing their systems. Damn.

Breaking through and establishing dominance inside this poor fucking creature's eyeball. Wow. Bro, shut that down, Jamie, please. So my brother-in-law was in, he was in the Amazon, he was shooting, I think it was the first live hippo or rhino birth. And he comes back and he's visiting us out in California and he's got this bump on his arm and it's got a red line running up his arm, which means there's some kind of a bad infection. Right. So they shoot him up full of antibiotics. They say, you'll be fine. So he's driving up the PCH, going up to Malibu with his family,

and he's poking at it. He's trying to pop it like a zit. And all of a sudden, the thing just fucking explodes, and this being, this creature fucking flies out of him and lands on the floor of the car and is like looking around. It's like little creature. And the kids are fucking going, ah! And he's like, it fucking jumped out of me.

And like they're freaking out. And they brought it to the tropical disease. They brought it to, he went to the hospital. Say, what the fuck is this? They sent it to the tropical disease specialist. And they found out it was a bat fly larva. Oh, bot fly. Bot fly. I was already writing that up.

Yeah. Bot flies are disgusting. He uses you as a host. Don't turn that on, baby. Come on, play that. Look at that super zit. There's a crazy Netflix documentary on rats that has a rat that's infected with a bot fly, and it's like, you know, 20% of its neck.

Yeah. The thing is, it's enormous, huge fucking, oh, God, they're extracting it. Whoa, look at that. Yeah, and it's got a little head. How weird, man. That little fucker was living inside that guy's body. Yeah. Ugh.

And so they come out. So look at that, man. Well, that thing can't look around, though. It flies out? Doesn't it just come out as a larva like that? Maybe it's because he was squeezing it. That it flew away? But it shot out.

When does it become a bot fly? Like it's a larva. So it looks like it buries itself into the ground and then becomes. Come on, man. How is that any different than a monster? Right. Look at that. It's just little.

It's a monster. The whole insect world is the scariest horror movie that's ever existed. The scariest monster movie ever is the whole insect world is the scariest horror movie that's ever existed. The scariest monster movie ever is the whole insect world. We are so lucky that spiders, black widows, and tarantulas, we're so lucky that they're little. So lucky. So lucky. Until the radiation starts. Dude, we would have no chance.

Yeah. Can you imagine if praying mantises were the size of horses? Just running around snatching people out of their Priuses? Yeah. Tipping over the fucking car and pulling the people out of the back seats? We'd all be armed. You'd have all kinds of firearms on you all the time. You'd have to have a really high caliber rifle to penetrate the exterior shell of a praying mantis

if it was at scale. And you probably wouldn't even hurt it that much. Oh, they're extracting it. Look at this. Yo! And look how they have to do it kind of slowly. They have to slowly ease it out. Oh my God, look at the size of that thing that's in this person's calf.

That's the thing about being in the jungle. Forget about the fucking tigers and the panthers. How about the botflies? Look how big this is. Oh my god. Oh my god, dude.

Look how big that is. I'm nauseous. I just got nauseous. Look at that dirty hippie that's getting this treatment. They have those wrist bracelets. He's pulling out a second one. No. Look at the bracelets. No, there is.

Hold on. There's something. You almost deserve a bot fly if you wear those bracelets. Look at that. Here's a second bot fly. All right, I'm good on that. Oh, my God. There's more than one bot fly.

Jesus Christ. Look at the size of good on that. Oh, my God. There's more than one bot fly. Jesus Christ. Look at the size of this fucking thing. Look at the size. This is the second one in this hole. Oh, my God. What the fuck, man? That's so insane. That's so insane.

Four of them. Wow. That's gross. We used to go out. Wow. That's gross. We used to go out. When I was a teenager, we used to go to this golf course, and we would look for golf balls in the woods.

And then we would sell them back to the pro shop for like 50 cents a ball. And then we realized like the ponds, everybody was hitting their fucking balls into the lakes and the ponds. And so we would go in bathing suits, and and you would step and it would go like up to your knees in silt, just mud. And you would feel around with your feet for the balls and you'd reach down and pull them up and you could get dozens of balls just walking around. And then we'd get out and we'd have fucking leeches all over our calves. And we would just take alcohol, put it on and yank them off you're a teenager you don't give a shit just fucking no problem you ever get a leech?

no no I've been lucky I've never been bit by a dangerous snake I've had some spider bites but never by like a black widow or anything like that I've seen a lot of snakes though, man. Rattlesnakes are freaky. Brendan Schaub just found one on a hike.

He sent me a picture and a video of this fucking thing. Oh, yeah? It's a huge rattlesnake on a hike. Wow. I was like, what? What is that, man? Yeah. Look at that thing that's just hanging around that can kill you.

Yeah. Or how about the big ones now in the Florida Everglades? Those pythons? Pythons. This is how dumb we are in California. Those things are valuable, okay? They're an invasive species that's destroying. You want to talk about the destruction of an ecosystem.

The way pythons have decimated life in the Everglades is kind of like a little bit of an open secret. Like all the biologists are aware of it. They've done these studies on deer and all these different mammals and all these different things. And the populations are ridiculously reduced, like almost down to nothing. You don't find raccoons anymore. You don't find a lot of the animals that you used to find in the Everglades anymore.

And they also eat alligators. They've taken to eat alligators. So what do we do in California? You can't buy python because python is an exotic species. We don't want to encourage people to use that as a skin. That is a deer and raccoon and squirrel eating demon from another continent. Yeah. And it lives in Florida.

And if you made it valuable, you fucking knuckleheads, people would go in there and kill those fucking things and bring the natural ecosystem back into balance. Why aren't they killing them? Because they're assholes. First of all, because you can't even sell them in California. Two, because it's hard. It should be valuable. They should be valuable.

It should be something that we... Look, if you leave them there, you're saying fuck all these other animals. Let's let this demon snake that's supposed to exist on another continent and has no natural enemies here. Let's let that thing just wander through the fucking swamps and kill everything in its path.

Let's just do that. Or sell it! But I'm not a hunter. But I would think if you're a hunter, wouldn't it feel noble to actually go and help the Everglades? It's dangerous, though. That's dangerous. That's not just regular hunting. You're hunting monsters.

You're in alligator country. Yeah. One of my favorite alligator stories is a guy was running from the cops. He had a stolen car, parked the car. He sees a stolen car or a high-speed chase, whatever it was. Parks the car on a bridge, jumps in the water, immediately gets eaten by an alligator. He jumped in the water right on a fucking alligator.

And the alligator just jacked him. He thought he was going to be a badass. Jump in and swim to safety. This fucking 16-footer just clamped. Damn. Dude, file that under. There's a Twitter account called Florida Man. It's amazing.

Isn't it fucking great? That's a Florida Man story right there. It is a Florida Man story. Dude, they're real. When I was a kid, hunters put the squeeze on 80 snakes in Florida's python bowl. Oh, they got a python bowl? In January, it 200 750 people from 20 states turned up wow they only got 80 of them in 10 days but 10 days they only caught 80 of them

so one in 10 guys yeah but look at the size of these things they're killing man look at the fucking size of them they're all they're enormous and those things are in i don't even know if they're killing them it looks like they still have them alive but these things are in there. I don't even know if they're killing them. It looks like they still have them alive. These things are eating everything they can find, and they have no natural enemies. And they're just spreading through that ecosystem. The idea that that should be illegal to make a purse out of, but can you make a purse out of a cow? Why is that? Right. How come?

What's going on there? Why do you think that that is more valuable than a cow? And it's beautiful. It is beautiful. But this is an invasive species. You're supposed to be killing them. Yeah. You have to put, like a human, put that thing there.

It's not supposed to be there. And humans have to extract it because it's destroying everything. That has crazy consequences that they never know 10, 20 years down the line what's going to be like after these pythons just completely ruin that entire part of the country. What are they going to do? Those things are people eaters. They can eat people. Oh, yeah. Definitely kids.

They get so big, man. You see that picture of the one that had the alligator that it was eating that it ripped through its body? Yeah. Just imagine what kind of a thing eats an alligator and eats it all in one piece. Right. And now imagine that someone says, you shouldn't kill those to make purses out of them. Yeah, actually you should. They're monsters.

You should kill them. Yeah. Those are monsters. Well, you shouldn't kill all of them, but they don't belong here. Killing rattlesnakes is a terrible idea because rattlesnakes have a really important place in the ecosystem. You should only kill a rattlesnake if it's on your property, if it's threatening you, and if you feel like you need to defend yourself. But going out into the woods where the rattlesnakes live, look at this thing.

Oh, my God. Look at it eating. We're watching a python eating an alligator. It's fucking bananas. It just dislocates its jaw, and this thing is still alive. So this poor little alligator is trying to figure out what the fuck is happening, and it's breathing. And this python is slowly swallowing it whole. Now imagine what it would do to your little Timmy.

Yep. Imagine if that thing trapped your son, if your son was out there fishing and all his friends ran away because they were terrified because a 20-foot-long snake is eating their friend. Well, we better not make a bag out of it. We better not because pythons are beautiful

and we're not speciesists. Look at it's eating the back feet. It's all the way down to the back feet just stuffing it into its mouth. That's top three worst way to die. Bro, you're still alive for a long ass time. You get digested. You just get smothered and digested. Fuck all that.

They're eating people, right? Oh, yes. Look at the teeth. Look at the teeth, man. Look at those bottom teeth. Fuck you. Look at those things. Imagine that.

Biting you and pulling you leg first into its fucking mouth. Damn. God damn it. We better not turn them into wallets because that's just wrong. You should 100% turn them into wallets. 100%. Not only that, you're going to have to kill them. If you don't turn them into wallets, what are you going to do with the skin?

You got to kill them. And at least the wallets are worth something. At least the clothing is worth something. At least let people make things out of their skin. Don't let their whole body go to waste just for your ideology. That's a thing, but it's a thing that's not supposed to be there. And that's why it's destroying everything. I wonder if the meat's any good.

How a giant python swallowed an Indonesian woman. Yeah. They are small, though. Fuck. Swallowed her. No picture, but. Bro, swallowed her. What happened to the woman?

She was 54 years old. She went missing last Thursday while checking on her vegetable garden on Muna Island in Sulawesi. Is that how you say that? Province. A huge search was mounted by local police. Her sandals and machete were found a day later. A giant python with a bloated belly was lying about 30 meters away. Residents were suspicious that the snake swallowed the victim, so they killed it.

They carried it out of the garden. Gruesome footage has been circulating on social media in Indonesia showing the woman's body being recovered intact in front of a large crowd. Fuck that. And people are like, well, this shouldn't be made into shoes. Yeah, you should make them into shoes. That's what you're supposed to do when they eat people. You fucking idiots.

Is it just California that made it illegal? I don't know. There's certain companies that are reacting to this push against what they call exotics, like Crocodile and Alligator and Python, things like that. And so certain companies are no longer making things with exotics to sort of bend to political pressure or pressure by, you know, air quotes, activists. Yeah. But really, it's monster skin.

Okay? You got monster skin. Let's make monster skin close. Cut the shit. All right? I'm not saying you should kill them all. You definitely shouldn't kill them all. But the idea you shouldn't kill most of the fucking snakes that are invasive species in Florida and sell them and make purses out of them?

Why? Dude, how bad would a python jacket be? Yeah. A nice big collar. Yeah. I bet you can get one. Probably have to go to some Bali or some shit. You got to go somewhere sneaky.

Yeah. Right? You'd be the king. Walk on stage. Python. Everything. Everything. Python shoes.

Python pants. Gloves. You look like a pimp from the 70s Gators that's what like dudes that wanted like really fancy shoes they wanted Gators they wanted alligator skin shoes if you wanted a real nice pair of shoes lets people know you're stepping out on the town. Look at these gators, son. Yeah. That was a big thing. Fucking guineas would always talk about their gators. Because they're dangerous. And meanwhile, I'm walking around with a cow.

Yeah. The fucking easiest animal to kill. So easy. They stand there. Made them to kill. Turned them into something. Do you know they go feral too? When they go feral, they become a completely different thing.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. They go feral too? When they go feral, they become a completely different thing. Oh, yeah? Yeah. They go feral all throughout Australia. And there's other places they go feral too, but they call them scrub bulls. And think about how aggressive bulls are, right? That's why it's fun to ride them. People like to grab a hold of them because they're just fucking going crazy and trying to get rid of you and trying to smash you. The bulls are very, very aggressive.

Well, they ain't shit compared to these wild bulls. The wild bulls are those bulls on meth because they're out in the wild. They've never been controlled. They've never been in a cage. And if they see people, they'll run at you 30 miles an hour and gore you and tear you apart. Oh, yeah. They're some of the most dangerous animals in the bush in Australia.

Yeah. It's these things called scrub bulls. My friend Adam Greentree, who killed that, that's an Asian water buffalo. He killed that in Australia. Those are also invasive all throughout Australia. They brought in these Asian water buffalo and they just destroy entire swaths of land and they go up to the north country and they have to shoot them. They have to kill them.

There's no natural predators there. Once they get past the crocodiles, like nothing can fuck with them. But they have these, they're nothing compared to the bulls that are like domestic cows that are wild. Feral bulls. He said they're the most aggressive motherfuckers in the bush. Like way more aggressive than these Asiatic water buffalo. And, you know, you think of them you think oh

it's like it's going to look like a bull. But they even look weird. They have like different antlers or different horns. Their horns come out like bigger and wider. They have interesting colorations. They're not all black. They're like a bunch of different cool weird colors. Yeah they look like almost like dogs in a lot

of ways. You know like patches like a patch of brown a patch of white. Weird looking. Wow. Yeah, they look almost like dogs in a lot of ways. You know, like patches, like a patch of brown, a patch of white. Weird looking. That should be the next show is like an Anthony Bourdain, but you go to places with invasive animals, kill them, cook them, eat them, wear them. That's your next show, man. No, I'm not going to do that. But it's a good idea. It's a good idea, but I don't have the time for that. Plus, I'm not going to do that. But it's a good idea. It's a good idea, but I don't have the time for that.

Plus, I'm not shooting anything dangerous. I'm not going to these dangerous places and hunting dangerous things. Yeah. Fuck all that. Right. These scrub bulls. See if you can get an image. I'm trying to find a good one.

They're freaky looking, man. They look like bulls, kind of. But bulls that are wild, like sort of Tarzan looking like a human. Yeah. Right? But he didn't, right? He was all jacked, and he had a loincloth on and bare-chested and fucked up hair. He looked like a wild human.

Yeah. This one looks fake almost, but I can't tell. No, no, no. I want to see dead ones. Oh, okay. Yeah, the dead ones, you get a better look at them. Scrub bull. Yeah, like that right there.

Yeah, like that. Look at that. Damn. What is that?. Scrub bull. Yeah, like that right there. Like that. Look at that. What is that? That's a bull. And then the one below it, Jamie, is even weirder. Look at that. The white with the black patches on the black skin. They're weird. And look at the shape of the antlers, or the horns rather.

See how widespread. See, that's a water buffalo though. I think that might even be Adam. But like that's a scrub bull. That picture, what that guy's holding up, so that's what they look like. So that thing will just charge you. Charge you. That's a perfect image of one.

Look at that thing. That kind of looks like a bull, but kind of not, right? Yeah. And they're super muscular and really, really fucking aggressive. And they used to, at one point in time, be domestic. You know, who knows how many years ago. And they eventually got out and formed their own little pack. Got together.

I guess herd. I guess you would call them a herd. Got together. Did a lot of fucking. And made a bunch of other wild cows. Look at that one in the lower left-hand corner, Jamie. The dead one on the ground. Like, look at that thing.

Yeah. How weird is that? Like, that kind of looks like a cow, but not really, right? It kind of looks like a bull. Someone's got a moose-shaped face. Yeah, exactly. It kind of looks like a domestic bull, but not really. You would say, what is that, some African animal or something like that?

Animals are weird when they get free. Then you see their true nature. There's a lot of animals that we keep in pens, and we keep them captive, and we don't really understand what the fuck they are. We only understand what the domestic version of that animal is. When those animals are forced to find their own food, they become a different thing.

Yeah. Like chickens are a good example of that. I had no idea how savage chickens were until i got my own i was like look at these fucking monsters when you when you would see chickens with a mouse it's it was it was stunning i could seen it a couple of times one time i caught a mouse and i threw it in there dude they fucked this mouse up and one one of them got it and ran with it. And they all chased her around. So she's got it in her mouth and she's running.

And they're all chasing her, trying to pull it out of her mouth. I didn't even know they were carnivores. Dude, they're ferocious. No shit. Chickens are so ferocious. Wow. I've never seen anything. I mean, I guess a dog would gobble something up pretty quick

But I've never seen anything attack as lustfully at meat as a chicken Like cats aren't that lustful If you give a cat something they kind of gently take it from you And they eat it But you know how dogs They want to eat it quick Chickens are like twice as fast as dogs Here's a perfect example

This is a mouse And this mouse is being chased by this cat. And the chicken is watching this cat fuck around with this mouse. And the chicken decides to step in and fuck this mouse up. Look at this. So the cat's like, oh, I'm just going to play with my food. And the chicken's like, bitch, let me show you what the fuck is up. Look at it.

Just starts tearing it apart, man. And the chicken is not interested in anything other than eating that mouse. The chicken is not there for a game. Chicken is there to kill and eat. That's a dinosaur, man. It's a different kind of life form than a cat. Cats are like chill with each other. They purr.

They're more complicated. They like you. They'll come complicated. You know? Yeah. They like you. They come up to you and they rub against you. Even like the Tiger King guy. He could pet some of them cats. Yeah. Fucking fight.

You ain't never petting a chicken, bitch. That chicken doesn't give a fuck about you. Round one. Chicken's in a rat. Is that a squirrel? That's a ground squirrel. What is that? It's a big rat. Is that a rat? That's a ground squirrel. What is that? It's a big rat.

Is that a rat? It is, right? So they fucking hate that they're on a vegetarian diet. That might be a ground squirrel, man. It says ninja rat. Oh, no, that's a rat. Wow. So these chickens are trying to decide whether the juice is worth the squeeze.

See, they're moving in close. They're looking for other stuff and they're like, hmm, I think I can fuck that dude up. Look, he's like trying to play coy. Like he doesn't really want to eat that rat. I'm just going to move a little closer. Just getting a little grass. Move a little closer. Man, I think I can eat that thing.

I don't find nothing in this fucking grass, but that dude is right there. I'm just going to ease up. Just going to, hey, just come over here looking for worms just like you. Just two hunters out there. So let's see some of that in slow motion. Oh, the rat launched itself at the chicken. Look at that. First strike.

The rat said, okay, I'm going to start this party. The rat just jumped at the chicken. Well, if a rat jumped at me, I'd feel the same way. I'm way bigger than a chicken. Right? If a rat jumped at you, you'd be like, let's get out of here! You know? Do you think Toxo would let the rat fuck with chickens too, the same way it does with cats? Because it's

cat-derived, right? Maybe. I mean, look at him launching himself in the air, though. Unless he's defending himself and family, maybe. Yeah. Well, I think they feel that way about any bird. Yeah, maybe. That's pretty badass.

Yeah, they used to get up there fast if you're a bird you know and a rat sees you like you're a mortal enemy yeah for sure

like the big ones for sure I see a lot of hawks man see a lot of hawks in the valley you know and I never have the patience to sit and watch one and hope it gets something

but my director the director on news radio, Tom Sharonis, was sitting in his backyard. I think he was in Studio City. On his back porch, he watched a dove get snatched by a hawk. Oh, yeah? Yeah. So the dove was just sitting there on this fence, and this hawk came along and just, right in front of him.

Like, whoa. Yeah, we had a hawk smash into our sliding glass door going, I don't know what he went after, but he came in fast, slammed into it and took off. Yeah, we killed a couple of them accidentally that way. A couple of them, we changed our back fence from, it was like metal bars to glass and it wiped out like three hawks.

Oh, no shit. Yeah, they fucking nosedived right into it. Whoa. Like, oh no. It was a bummer. Yeah. Yeah, birds will fly into your window all the time. Does that happen to your house?

Yeah, yeah. And you hear that thunk, and you're like, ah, shit. And you go out and see some bird. I saw this little kind of sparrow-looking bird, and he was standing, like, against the side window of a car, and he kept launching himself at the side view mirror again and again. He just kept attacking his own image. Wow.

Not picking up on it. There was a little bit of a hawk war that went on in my backyard. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Well, I think what happened is when we put up the fence the glass fence one hawk slammed into it that hawk might have been running shit that might have been like one of the top hawks of the community because then there was a bunch of young hawks that were hanging around they were getting really cocky and they were like

flying on top of the chicken coop you have to chase them off like what the fuck are you guys doing yeah like acting different they were like bold they were swooping low they're acting like young punks right and then i started finding them dead headless really yeah yeah yeah yeah where one other animal perhaps an owl was jacking these little cunty young hawks and biting their head off and leaving their body. Yeah, we found at least two of them, if I remember correctly. I think it was like we got at least two hawks rehabbed. One of them we brought to a wildlife shelter, and they actually were able to release it back into the wild again after it mended up but it was another one that got ko'd flying into the fence and one of them that we kept for a weekend and fed it this was this was a big thing in the house because they were feeding them mice okay so we had this hawk and we go to the pet store there's a pet

store that sells exotic pets and they have these things called pinkies. They're basically baby mice. And this is what they said, you have to feed the hawk before we can get it to this wildlife thing that wasn't open until Monday. So they're feeding them these little tiny baby mice because they want this poor hawk to be better.

So this demon is eating babies in my house. Okay? It's so crazy. And then it gets to the end. It gets to the end. It's Sunday. The demon stopped eating babies. It left one baby alive.

So we took this one baby mouse. And then the girls are like, well, we want to keep it as a pet. I go, what? I go, you just, this thing slaughtered 10 of them. This thing just ate, I don't know how many it ate. But it just ate its brothers and sisters. You're like, this one I'll spare. I'll spare you.

I'll spare you and I'll bring you in. See, is that an owl eating a hawk's head? Yeah, see, I guess that's owls move. When owls kill a hawk, look at this, they just eat their fucking head, dude. Takes the scalp. Yeah, and they leave their headless body. Wow. That's how badass owls are. Look at this. They just eat their fucking head, dude. Takes the scalp. Yeah, and they leave their headless body.

Wow. That's how badass owls are. Look at that. Just standing over the dude. Imagine if you did that to a guy and you were holding him down with your feet and with your hands you just pulled his head off with your teeth and just chewed through the side of his neck to hold it onto his head. And that's sitting on some guy's roof. That's just in your neighborhood. Look, there's a fence.

It says this guy was eating breakfast, and he saw this other guy. Oh, yeah. No big deal. That's awesome. Just one demon killing another demon. And that's the one we associate with wisdom. Give a hoot, don't pollute. He's the one who's telling you how many licks it takes to get to the center of the tuxedo pop.

You remember that? One, two. Meanwhile. Three. He's out there eating hawk heads. Yeah. Look at that, man. We had a crow.

We got these fucking huge crows. And in the driveway, there was a came home and there was a possum, a baby possum on the driveway. It was near dead. And there was this giant fucking black crow. And it was pecking at the possum. And so like I don't know what human instinct made me jump in there and break it up. And so like I'm chasing the crow away. Like I'm chasing the crow away, and then I tell my son to go get a shoebox inside so I can scoop up the possum, and the crow is not having it.

He's like, that's my fucking possum, dude. And so he keeps coming at me, and I'm like staving off a crow who's like coming at me and then swooping away. He's dive bombing you. He's dive bombing me. You don't have a weapon? No, my fists and my feet. Did you swing at him? No. I don't know if you would hurt a bird

if it was coming at you. I feel like there's not enough weight behind them. You would just knock them into the air. Yeah. I don't think, I think they're so light. I think it'd be hard to hurt them. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Like if a bird was swooping at you and you hit it, I don't know if it would hurt it that much. Yeah. I think it would just bounce off. Right. Because they weigh nothing.

Right. I mean, I'm just guessing. I think if you kicked a turkey in the head, you could fuck it up. You know, only if it's Thanksgiving, though. Only around the holidays. If you gave a Muay Thai fighter a guy who could really kick, and he kicked a turkey's neck, I think you'd fuck that turkey up. You know? Yeah, birds have an advantage, man.

They're like a lightweight boxer. They're dinosaurs. They're dinosaurs, man. We were reading about this eagle that used to live in New Zealand before the people wiped it out. It was called a Haast eagle. And they think that people might have wiped it out because it was probably eating them. Uh-huh.

And this thing weighed 25 pounds. Wow. I think the biggest it got was like H-A-A-S-T eagle. And they believe it was brought to extinction. One of the theories is by human beings because they think that it was probably a dangerous animal. Fucking huge eagle. Yeah. Huge.

Wow. Imagine your cousin gets eaten by an eagle. How big do those things get? I think they had something like a seven foot wingspan. Yeah, it says up to three-meter wingspan. Three meters. Is that the biggest animal that has flight? That's a good question.

Imagine the pterodactyl days. What in the fuck was that like? Yeah. Giant flying lizards that are carnivores. Yep. Fuck that. Can you imagine. That are carnivores. Yep. Fuck that. Can you imagine? Here it is.

Whoa. It's the largest ever. That sounds like Quetzalcoatl, which is the, that's that Aztec god. Q-U-E-T-Z-A-L-C-O-A-T-L-U-S. Quetzalcoatlus? Quetzalcoatl was that flying god of the Aztecs. Can you just go back up to that? I was reading that top part right there.

That's how big it was. Yeah. A pterodactyl petrosaur from the late Cretaceous of North America. Largest known flying animal to have ever lived. So that is like probably they probably named it after Quetzalcoatl which was the, see if you can find that word, Quetzalcoatl, because I think that's

what that was. It was an Aztec god that was like a bird. Wingspan of 36 feet. Jesus Christ. 36 feet! Jesus Christ. What the fuck? Dude, that's a plane.

Now, see, this is a god, the feathered serpent, a name for the feathered serpent deity of the ancient Mesopotamian, Mesoamerican culture. I wonder if there was ever a time where human beings and that petrosaur thing coincided. When was that petrosaur thing coincided. When was that petrosaur? When did that thing go extinct? That Quetzalcoatlus. You imagine if there was ancient human, you know, Neanderthals or whatever, Australopithecus

and you're looking up and you see a 35 foot bird. Baa! Baa! Fuck you, man. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you Fuck you The bones were discovered in Texas That's the same Of course

Right area Of course Texans Before the Comanches They had giant flying dinosaurs God damn Scan fast for a time period Doesn't say right off the top For some reason

Just Whatever Late Cretaceous? What's that? When is that? It's a long time ago. Is that 10 million years? What is that? I think it says 100 to 66

million. Oh! So that's way before even the Yucatan impact that killed the dinosaurs. That was 65 million years ago. The climate was warmer than now, even then. What's the biggest thing that lived, that flew while people were alive? You think it was that host eagle? You said that was three meters, right?

That's nine feet. By the way, fuck that, too. Imagine a nine-foot wide thing. That'll take your kid easily. That'll take a small kid. Maybe a pretty big kid. Yeah. They carry deer away. No shit. Yeah, dude a small kid. Maybe a pretty big kid. Yeah. They carry deer away.

No shit. Yeah, dude, they pull goats off the side of cliffs and not even big ones. Damn. Have you ever seen that golden eagles do that? Golden eagles are the biggest North American eagles. And I actually think bald eagles have done this as well. And they swoop down and they grab these sheep that are trying to climb their way up to the top of these mountains. They pull them off and they drop them on the rocks. Yeah.

And watch them smash. Wow. And sometimes they ride them down to the ground. Wow. Dude. There's one video of this one eagle. He grabs a hold of this sheep and pulls them off of a sheep or a goat. I forget which one it was.

Pulls it off the side of this wall. And as it's going down, the eagle's hanging on. So the eagle hits the ground with it and bounces it. And oh my God, it's fucking madness. It's madness. That's beautiful. Yeah, the eagle's fine. Fine.

Eagle fell, bounced, had this goat hit it in the head, bounced. Fine. The end flies away. Yeah. Crazy flexible bones that they have. Shit. Yeah, dude, we're so lucky. We have

one thing to worry about right now other than normal shit that everybody has to worry about all the time in life. One new thing and everything just hits to a halt. One new thing and we're like, whoa. The whole world changes. One new thing, like, whoa. The whole world changes. One new thing.

Right. Albatross has a bigger wingspan than the Haas Eagle. Really? It's about the same. Maybe it says it's 11 feet. Jesus. Albatross is the ones that are alive right now? Wow. That's, what do they eat?

Mostly fish, right? And this even says a condor with a 24-foot wingspan. Fuck. That was 28 million years ago. Oh. Sorry. I think albatross, they go out to sea for fucking weeks. What do they do, just dive in and eat fish? Dive and eat.

Yeah. Look at that. Whoa. Yeah, that would be just more annoying than anything. I don't think they could kill you. But an eagle's got a face like a bolt cutter. As I was digging through, a couple articles even speculated if those giant Quetzalcoatl things, some other, like petrified,

if they were too big to even fly, maybe. They could have been like giant ostrich-type bird, dinosaur-type things. Yeah, they only have the bones, right? Just big wings yeah just something that just got too big for its wings didn't need to maybe get fly like a chicken like chickens can fly like you know they fly like 10 feet or something like that they just kind of run fly at the same time they get a little get a little air no i think about like my friend had a a parrot when i was a kid parrot or parakeet I don't know birds

but it scared the shit out of me like I would reach into the cage just to like you know you try to stick your finger in its belly so it steps on your finger but it bites you instead and I remember being a full sized human being scared of this take that and expand it by a thousand

yeah and it's flying above you. Yeah. Birds can scare the shit out of you. Yeah. They can pull a fucking salmon out of a flowing river with their feet

and fly away with it. Yeah. Imagine even grabbing a salmon. Imagine just dunking your hand into a river and pulling a salmon out. No. Now imagine doing it while you're flying in. You snatch it, pull it out of the river, and then fly away with it.

All right. And that's our American, that's our national bird. It's a national animal. It's a pretty cool national animal. I guess. It's a ruthless cunt of a flying dinosaur. Yeah. Wouldn't it be better if we had something compassionate?

Shoebills are close. Oh, they're real close. Shoebills are super dangerous. Oh, yeah? Well, that is an ancient, predatory, carnivorous dinosaur that happens to still be alive. Why is that guy getting close to it with his kid? I don't know. Oh, don't do that.

Please don't do that. Please don't do that. Nothing bad happens in this, but I just, yeah. Yeah, I can imagine if that thing was pissed off at you. Whoa, he's going to touch it? I don't think anything bad happens. Bro, that's the kind of people that get eaten. I think we're fine. I think we're fine.

I'm going to bend over and pull up my pants. That is a dangerous. There are some animals that are dangerous. I think we're fine. I think we're fine. I'm going to bend over and pull up my pants. There are some animals that are dangerous. There's a really aggressive bird, a cassoway, I think it's called. And this lady's filming on the beach in Australia. She's like, oh, look. Look at the cool birds. And the bird starts going after her. They'll come fuck you.

What is it? A balanepsis rex. Shoebill stork fax. That's what is it? A balanepsis rex. Shoebill stork fax. That's what it's called, balanepsis rex. It's a rex. It's a fucking dinosaur. Look at that face. Wow.

Look at that one right there. Look at that one. Look at that image. What in the fuck is that? That's flightless, right? Yeah. But it gets to five feet tall, and it snatches fish and lizards and all kinds of things swallows them whole there's a uh fantastic documentary that bb bbc put out years ago about

the congo and the shoe bill lives in the congo and in the in the congo the shoe bill eats this there's a fish that comes out of the land and then crawls across the land until it can find another pond and then slides into that pond. Yeah. And the shoebill's eating that thing. And you're like, what am I seeing? I'm seeing a battle between two prehistoric animals. That's amazing. A fish that can swim and then climb out of the water and walk on the ground and then jump in a new a new pond

right that's the that's the missing link for evolution the first animal that uh first fish to get out of the water yeah yeah it is uh i mean all these animals adapt when they're in the congo that's the what are you looking at here jamie that's weird claws oh that's what it was on the bottom they're all i mean they're all adapting to their environment. They found in the Congo, I think it's called a duiker. It's a specific type of antelope. But because they'd been in this, what they think is, at least parts of the Congo, that if I don't, I hope I'm not fucking this up, but I believe what it was,

was it used to be grasslands. And then the climate changed. It became rainforests. And a lot of animals that were like plains animals were stuck in the Congo in the rainforest, and they had to adapt. So you'll see these herds of ungulates running through the Congo, like these different kinds of antelopes running through the swampy waters. Yeah. You're like, what are those things doing here? And then there's other antelopes like these different kinds of antelopes running through the swampy waters. Yeah. And you're like, what are those things doing here? And then there's other antelopes like these duikers that actually can swim.

So they can swim underwater as much as 100 meters. No shit. 100 meters underwater. Yeah. Yeah. They can hold their breath and they eat fish. That's wild. What?

Yeah. They're adapting. Yeah. So they're figuring out how to get, see if you can find that thing. I think it's, I don't remember how to spell it. It's going to be us in five years. These little, look at that. What is that bird doing?

No, no, no. No, that's not it. A duiker's an antelope, dude. It's not a bird. Sorry. And it's not in the ocean. That's a tuna. It's in the Congo. jamie you're high really stuck on that shoe bill fucking around with the stuff those fucking feet

wait you're like is it this i'm like bro that's a sandwich that's a 96 olympics um an antelope i think it's called a diet i think i'm not i'm not spell i don't know how to spell it i don't think it's d-i-k-e-r but there's a it's a small antelope. I think it's called a di... I'm not spelling... I don't know how to spell it. I don't think it's D-I-K-E-R. But it's a small antelope-like creature that lives in Africa. Try under lesbian. Yeah, they have these little short legs and they swim. By the way, today's a big day, Joe. It's my 20th appearance on the Joe Rogan Experience.

Yeah, you were telling me that. That's crazy. Dude, that's crazy. That's crazy. Dude, that's crazy. 20 times, yeah. That's nuts. Today's April Fool's. Be very careful. A lot of motherfuckers out there playing that stupid game.

I was going to tell you a crazy fucking story. I was driving up here thinking I got to come up with something funny. The Gemsbach. Oh, yeah, that's another animal that can swim. In the ocean. Yeah, they swim. Yeah. That's called a Gemsbach. Is the ocean. Yeah, they swim. Yeah. That's called a Gemsbuck.

Is that what that one's called? Yeah. I think, spell it. Oh, you got D-U-I-K-E-R? Okay. Yeah. It's going to take a long time to find video of it swimming. But this documentary was just showing how sometimes things just change and these animals get fucked.

Yeah. And they're just not supposed to be there. Right. I think part of it was they were locating things like elephants in the parts of the Congo, too. They were also in the rainforest. They're like, what the fuck are these things doing here? Right. It's really interesting, man.

You know, we're just real fortunate that we're in a place that is fairly calm with very few monsters yeah but this you know there's spots in the world where unfortunately your civilization really never had a chance to get a foothold because it was always dealing with defense there was not enough time to relax to really build up a good, stout civilization because everything was just about acquiring food and making sure you don't get eaten by crocodiles. Yeah, right. Well, that's why it's kind of cool that we have mountain lions, but not a lot.

We can literally count the number of mountain lions we have in Los Angeles, but they're fucking there. They're there, dude. They're real, too. Yep. It kind of keeps you honest a little bit. I think it's good. No matter what city you're in, there should be a fucking bear, too. Yep. It kind of keeps you honest a little bit. I think we gotta... I think it's good. No matter what city you're in, there should be

a fucking bear. Just one bear. Just a little something to let you know. There's a food chain. Respect it. We think we just get food from the store. No, that's what's confusing about all this. Food does not come from the store. Food comes

from living things. Either vegetables and fruits or animals. That's food. The store is this weird thing that we invented. Yeah. You got to figure out how to get food. You can't rely on the store. Right. And one thing that's happened is there's a giant uptick of people looking into hunting licenses and people watching videos on hunting and how to get started.

Since corona? Yes. And homesteading. A lot of people that are looking to buy plots of land and raise rabbits for food and raise chickens and raise pigs. And there's a lot of videos that are popping up on YouTube now about homesteading where people are like, hey, hey, hey, how do we fucking avoid this? You buy a patch of land.

You get a few families to chip in. You all build houses on that land or you buy houses that are close enough to each other that you could share land. And you fucking grow food. Yeah. You grow food and make sure that you don't need anybody. Right. You can get all your food from your yard. That can be done, man.

This sounds so like out there, but it's like that's literally how 95% of the world lives. Yeah. And not only that, but how 99.9 percent of the world lived until the last couple hundred years yeah you know this is how you're supposed to you're supposed to have food nearby man yeah right supposed to have something nearby grandfather always had a garden always had a garden yes always had a garden yeah he would go back there and he would check his tomatoes he knew where everything was you know my peppers are coming in he would always have this little thing this spot over here for this kind of plant and this kind of food.

He would grow spices and all kinds of shit. Yeah. Like those old school immigrant people that came over here back when food was hard to get, they knew how to like make sure you have something. Right. Make sure you have a, you know, you can stay alive with your garden, you know? Well, especially the chickens. You can't get eggs. We went shopping last night.

There's no eggs. It's hard. Yeah. These cunty coyotes killed all my fucking chickens or I'd get some eggs for you. That sucks. But the thing is about rebuilding. We've talked about this. When you rebuild the shelter, the chicken shelter, and put new chickens in there, now you're a target. Like they know where meat is and they know a bonza, bonanza of meat.

They ate nine chickens in one day in one one sitting they killed nine chickens it was just a fucking like just a disgusting pile of feathers yeah where all the chickens were slaughtered yeah and the whole like pulled the mesh was pulled out and they just jumped in there and just one at a time killed all the chickens wow i don't want that shit around my house. You know, that's the thing. It's like if you're, if you're going to have coyotes, um, targeting your house, like looking, looking at your house as a source of food.

If you're doing that by keeping chickens, you're going to have more coyote interactions and either you're cool with that or you kind of creeped out by it. Yeah. I'm kind of creeped out by it yeah i'm kind of creeped out by it especially when i'm high i tied a dead chicken to a one of the coyotes killed a chicken before i chased it out i tied a chicken to a pot like a pot that you plant uh plants in you know pottery uh-huh and uh i tied it down and i tied it in and i set it uh 30 yards from my balcony and I got a range finder and I arranged all these different spots in the yard and I sat up there

for hours with a bow trying to kill a coyote. I'm like, come on, baby. Really? Yeah. Like, he's right there. Go get your chicken. You were pissed. Yeah, I was having war with him. I was having war. I was going to kill him and I was going to throw him over the fence. Like, let these cunts know.

Hey, I killed your friend. I'll kill you too. You should have chewed its head off. I was going to throw him over the fence. Like let these cunts know. Hey, I killed your friend. I'll kill you too. You should have chewed its head off. I was thinking about eating some of it and then shitting into a bag and throwing the bag over the hill. I ate a piece of your friend, you fucks. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm not a fan. I like having them around. It's cool to hear them at night, but I don't want them thinking of my animals and my dog or my cat or anything like that as a food source. Sounds like you cared about these chickens. Do they become like pets? They're like pets, but not. Like Marshall's like, you met Marshall. He's out there right now.

He's like family. That little sweetie, he's one of my kids. Like he's my buddy. He's like a yeah like he's my buddy he's like a full-grown three-year-old cuddle bunny you know he's the sweetest dog in the world like that's very different than the chicken my relationship with the chicken is not that deep like that dog is i love that dog he's my buddy like every time i see him i'm like dude yeah and he's like he comes over with a toy in his mouth and he's just a bundle of love. He loves

everybody too. Everybody he meets, he just loves everybody. Chickens are not like that, man. They're not that valuable. Chickens are independent little cunts. I was walking my dogs this morning and some fucking asshole goes, can I pet your dog? I'm like,

let me check. Let me check the news. Um, no, no, you can't rub your fucking germy hands on my dog. That's going to come home to your house. Right. Yeah. No, you're not supposed to do that right now. Right. Nope. Not supposed to let some dude just touch you. Some guy wanted to shake my hand at the grocery store the week of the whole thing. Yeah. And I shook his hand. I didn't want to be rude. Right. But I felt weird about it.

I was like, oh, are we still shaking hands? Like, when do we stop doing this? That was the week that everybody went crazy and started buying shit. It is crazy, too, because there's no shortage of food. No. No, the supply chains haven't changed. Yeah. Yeah. Especially the toilet paper thing became totally random. No. No, the supply chains haven't changed. Yeah. Yeah.

Especially the toilet paper thing became totally random. Weird. It's like one asshole filled up his shopping cart with toilet paper and then somebody saw him do that and somebody else saw him do that and they all just decided

it was a panic on toilet paper. It doesn't make any sense. It's almost like it was perpetrated by a toilet paper industry. Ah. Do you know how much money you would save if you had a bidet?

Or like those little tushy ones that we had that was a sponsor? I think that was like, what did Red Band say it cost? Like $79. That's for the cold water one. The one that, yeah, and a few extra bucks, you get it heated up. But just take it like a seal, like a Navy seal. Get your cold water in your asshole. Yes, sir!

Woo! Now, if I'm going to do that, because I looked online, and you can't get the cheap ones anywhere. The cold water ones are sold out. But they did have some high-end ones. And I was thinking, you shit every day. Yeah, every day. I'm going to get it in my house. I'll have it for the rest of my life.

Why not go big and just get one that's like— Some of them have remote controls where you can change here you can change the direction of it have you ever taken a shit here you told me to use it once but i didn't do it don't be scared it's wonderful really it's wonderful yeah yours has probably got a fucking tanning bed in it it doesn't do that but it shaves your ass it does you can You can make it a stronger wave, a lighter wave. Yeah. You can direct it into the hole itself. You can aim it.

Ooh. Right in the hole. Like, woo. Hey, now. It makes you have to shit more. Like, when it goes up the hole, your body's like, oh, yeah, I got some extra for you. It's like it loosens everything up. Does it throw a little hemorrhoidal lotion on there for me if I need it?

No, it doesn't. You gotta do that yourself. But the point is you're saving a lot of money in toilet paper. Will it bleach my asshole? It cleans it. I don't think it's gonna bleach it. That'd be a nice little option, though. Extra button. I don't think you need to worry about that in these trying times. Like, if you get Botox now,

you're an asshole. Yeah. This doctor could be in an emergency room helping COVID-19 patients. You're like, I'm seeing there's some movement. There's some movement right here. Like, watch. Watch're like, I'm seeing there's some movement. There's some movement right here. Like, watch, watch. Look, I'm shocked. Meanwhile, he's got three people hacking up in the waiting room.

I know. Come on. Well, this article in The Atlantic was really disturbing where they were saying that if the people that are going in to find out if they have COVID, they can't even give them, this was in New York, they couldn't even give them a test because they didn't meet a certain criteria. And if they didn't have it before, they definitely have it now because there's other people in this waiting room and they're all waiting and they're all sick and coughing like fucking Christ.

So what's the point at which you're supposed to go in? Because... Just get it? Yeah. I mean... What do you mean? No, I mean, what's the point where you should go to the doctor versus sit it out and try to, because they say 90% of the people that come in have pneumonia or the flu. They don't have COVID.

Well, that's the thing is that the flu is still here, right? So it's happening at the same time as the flu, but it's a new thing, obviously. We know what to do with the flu. You can give people Tamiflu know you can get a flu shot you're much like we had dr hotes explain how even if you get a flu shot from the wrong kind of flu if they make a vaccine it still has enough of the the things in it that fight off parts of the flu because a flu is a you know a virus has a bunch of different components and so it can mitigate some of the components, even if it's not the perfect vaccine for that virus. So it still protects you somewhat.

Protects you better than not having anything. So that's the flu. There's a bunch of shit. With this thing, they're like, we don't know. We really don't know. We don't know what's going on. I mean, people talk about all these different treatments that may or may not be effective, but this is too new. For the most part, you really just need a ventilator.

I mean, that's the only thing you would need medical care for, right? Because they can't do much for you otherwise. Well, there's been some talk about Z-packs, you know, but there's no definitive evidence. And when they run studies like that, it takes a long-ass time to get, you know, if they're doing double-blind, placebo-controlled studies, trying to find out what does what and what's effective for what. Any kind of clinical trial, I think, takes months, right? Oh, no, a year. It's a year.

Is it? Yeah, because they think they've already identified some vaccines, but they said for it to be you know if you don't test it you could put it out and kill as many people with the vaccine yeah yeah fuck yeah it's weird i know and at the same time tiger king becomes the number one show in the world the same time a documentary on wild tigers that are in captivity at this crazy dude's place who's married to two other crazy dudes

who's in a battle with this lady who might have fed her ex-husband to tigers. Alright, don't tell me I haven't seen it yet. Spoiler alert. Yeah. What do you think, Jamie? About the whole... Did that lady feed her husband to the tiger? If you had a million dollars to bet... They reopened the case yesterday. Yeah yesterday yeah they're looking back into it they're looking into

it maybe i don't know bro if you have a husband that's a millionaire and you raise tigers and then that guy disappears and no one knows where he is if that happens i think people should be suspicious they'll be like where is he you don't know where he is at all? Huh. He just went away. Huh. How many tigers do you have? You have a hundred tigers?

Can we see your tiger? Why isn't the documentary about that? A couple words with your tigers. Trank your tigers and examine their shit and start running through labs like, this human shit here. This is human. You ate a human.

This tiger ate a human. Oh my God, this lady fed her fucking husband to tigers. All she needs is a meat grinder. She must have a meat grinder. That's all she needs. She throws the husband

in the meat grinder, throws the piles out there where the tigers eat, and they just tear them apart. Like Scarface. 97, dude dude I think that was a real thing with drug dealers was getting a tiger for that reason oh well that's always been a thing with people with pigs that was in that movie snatch oh that's right that's right greedy pigs yeah I got with the crazy glasses yeah who is that dude that dude

from the movie Snatch? That guy's amazing. We've talked about him before. God, I got to rewatch that movie. That was a good fucking movie. He had a cup of tea and these big ass thick glasses and just a totally different kind of gangster. His name is Alan Ford.

Alan Ford. You fucking legend, sir. Yeah. That guy's amazing. There's a new Guy Ritchie movie out right now, right? What is it called? The Gentleman, I believe. Oh, really?

It was supposed to be in the movie theaters, but then the COVID hits. Dude, he's one of my all-time favorite people I've ever talked to. Guy Ritchie's an interesting guy. Oh, you had him in? Yeah. Oh, no shit. Yeah, he changed my mind about suits. He's so passionate about suits.

About wearing suits? Owning a suit. Yeah. The way you own it. Oh, is this the new movie? Matthew McConaughey and Hugh Grant. Oh, shit. I'll take it.

Matthew McConaughey and Hugh Grant. Hugh Grant playing a bad guy? Woo! Why not? I love it. I have never seen a Guy Ritchie movie that I didn't love. Never one. They're all amazing.

Lock, stock, and two smoking barrels. That was great. What was the one about the British gangsters that move to Spain and they're retired and then the guy makes them come back in. Oh, shit. What was that? What one was that? That was fucking great.

Let's see his thing here. Rock and Roller, maybe? Oh, I think that was it. Was that Rock and Roller? That was 2008. I know, I don't remember that. No. I never saw Man from U.N.C.L.E.

Are these all his movies? Mm-hmm. Really? Wow. Anyway. The Gentleman.L.E. Are these all his movies? Really? Wow. Anyway. The Gentleman. So it was supposed to be released right around, or was it released? I think it did come out, actually, but it wasn't out for very long.

And then the thing hit. That's one cool thing. Apple TV is letting you buy new movies. You could buy the movies that are supposed to be out in the movie theater. You could rent them. Oh, really? On Apple TV. Yeah, not all of them.

Not all of them, but enough so you're like, oh, shit, this is a movie movie. Like it's out right now. That's awesome. But there's so many movies. That's the thing that you're realizing too. Like if there's ever been a time in human history where you could really entertain yourself without having to go anywhere, it's now. I know.

Before, you'd have to go to the DVD store and get the fucking COVID-infected blockbuster boxes where they'd all be, did you spray it? Did you spray it good? And then maybe some of the spray would get into the tape and it would ruin it. You'd get the VHS home and be like, fuck. The domestic box office brought in $5,179 for the week of March 20th through 26th. Holy shit. $5,000 down 100% from the $204,193,406 the same week a year ago.

Wow. Damn. It was down 100%. Wow. Damn. It was down 100%. Damn, that's a big loss. But the restaurant industry, I think, probably took the biggest loss, right? Or the bars.

Bars and restaurants probably took, and comedy clubs took the biggest loss. Comedy clubs, theaters. Sure. Well, movie theaters and regular theaters too, right? All theaters. Anything performing. Diaz freaked me out i was talking to him on the phone yesterday and he's like he's like dog you think you're gonna be playing the funny bone in st louis chris fucking uh chris rock's gonna be playing that fucking club this year like all the theater

acts are gonna come down to clubs because nobody's going to be coming out. It's very possible. We don't know how long this is going to last, man. Or how long people's apprehension about getting into a group is going to last. Even if it clears up next month, it's still going to be a long time before people are comfortable. Well, this also showed people that people that are paying attention to numbers, it showed people the devastation the flu does every year. I, until this happened, I had no idea that many people were dying every year from the flu. That's an eye-opener.

That alone makes you want to wash your hands more. Yeah. And just kind of be careful when people are coughing. Dude, malaria is still, I think, the number one killer in the world. They think malaria has killed. Did we figure out? This has come up about four different times.

And every time, I forget whether or not the statistic is bullshit. But I think they think half of all the people have died ever. That was the theory. We're killed by malaria. No shit. So if you took all the people that have ever died, like 10 billion people that have ever died, 5 billion died from malaria. Wow. That's the number. It's a shitty way to die too bro my friend justin wren has gotten it three times he uh runs the fight for the forgotten charity um going to the congo and

building wells for the pig oh really yeah oh wow he's been there he he's a fighter uh fought for the ufc and um i don't remember exactly how he initially made his trip over to the Congo, but he fell in love with these pygmy people and started helping them, trying to figure out how to get them wells built and fresh water because a lot of their problems were these diseases that we're getting from pathogens in the water because they're just stagnant water and no way to fix it. And so he developed this charity, Fight for the Forgotten, and started going back and forth over there.

But in the meantime, he's gotten malaria three different times. One time he got sick and the malaria came back. So it was like it wasn't even – I'm pretty sure he doesn't even think he was reinfected. He thinks it rekindled inside of his body when he got sick. His immune system was down and there was like a hint of malaria still in his body and it reignited. That's what fucked me up too, paying attention to this. We have viruses all the time in our body that are just kind of duking it out. Yeah. There's a war being waged.

And that the common cold is also a type of coronavirus. Oh, is that right? Yeah. Yeah. Make sure that's true. Close to 4% to 5% they think of the total people ever. 4% or 5%? Somewhere between 4% and 5%.

Oh, well, that's way different than 50%. It's a little different. The limit doesn't sound as good. The other one sounds better. Let's keep lying. 5% is a lot. It's still different than 50. It's a little different. The limit doesn't sound as good. The other one sounds better. Let's keep lying. 5% is a lot. It's still a lot. Phenomenal amount.

It's still a lot of all the people that have died ever. And it's not like it's gone down. I mean, unless they get rid of mosquitoes, there will always be. And I think that is a possibility. That's something they've talked about doing is engineering some new kind of mosquito that, like, doesn't breed or some mosquito that kills other mosquitoes or something along those lines. They've had a couple of different things that they've tried to figure out how to do.

But the problem is once you do that, you let that cat out of the bag. I know. You kill all the mosquitoes, then you find out the mosquitoes with a glue that holds the whole thing together. Yeah, the lizards were eating the mosquitoes, and the cats were eating the lizards. Who knows what kind of shit could go down if you got rid of mosquitoes.

Yeah. But they do carry a lot of disgusting things. The dirty blood. Yep. The dirty saliva. They'd sting you and give you a malaria disease. Ew! Remember when AIDS first came out,

people were worried that mosquitoes were going to pass it around. Oh yeah, definitely. People are like, what, they carry malaria? Why the fuck can't they carry that? Well, that's the thing about all these pandemics is like, you know, coronavirus is actually kind of a pussy.

I mean, it's easy to kill. There's other viruses which are much tougher, but it has a very thin membrane. It's a fatty membrane that goes over it and, you know, foam from soap. By the way, make sure when you wash your hands, get a lot of foam going. That's actually the thing that kills the corona. Really? Yeah.

Foam. Yeah, foam it up and get your thumbs for God's sake. Don't forget your goddamn thumbs. It's a new strain of coronavirus not previously seen in humans. For other strains of coronavirus are very common. Usually only cause mild symptoms like the common cold. Yeah. Yeah.

What were we just talking about? We were talking about washing hands. Malaria. Coronavirus. That it's a pussy. It's kind of easy to kill. That's what it is that it's that it's a pussy oh that's it that's what it is that would that's what it was um because there was this other thing that i talked about with osterholm that scared me way more than that that's uh i mean it's scary for sure don't get me wrong but there's this chronic wasting disease that they found in deer and and it's 100% fatal. And it's a prion disease, the same kind of disease as mad cow disease was.

And the same as mad cow disease made the jump to humans, then it became very dangerous. And some people to this day, like they can't give blood because they were alive eating cheeseburgers during the mad cow days. Maybe they've released that. I don't know. But for a long time they couldn't give blood because the idea would be that you still had these prions in your system. They took these surgical instruments that they used on patients

who died of mad cow disease, and they ran these surgical instruments through these sanitization machines. The sanitary process, sanitizing process, three times. Three times, like 1,000 degree temperature. Couldn't kill it. Wow. sanitizing process three times three times like a thousand degree temperature couldn't kill it three times still had living prions on the surgical equipment damn yeah and all we got to do is soap it up sing happy birthday twice yeah this is nothing in comparison to something that could happen to us if chronic wasting disease ever made the leap from deer to human.

Shit. Yeah. It's very spooky. And I've, I had my friend Doug Dern and Brian, what's his name again? Richard. Don't guess. Richard? I think you're right.

Who's a biologist, who's explained, and a wildlife expert explained all of it to us, like what it is, how it's happened, how it's spread. It's spreading from deer, and to the end is horrific. We watched a video of one of them where they're wasting away, and they're spitting. So this fluid that's coming out of their body is contaminated, and then deer will come along and eat the leaves that have that prion on it and take it in, and then it'll get chronic take it in and then it'll get it'll get

chronic wasting disease and then it'll rot away and spitting out the stuff and then other deer dude it's horrific and it's 100 fatal so think about what we've got that your immune system you know for the vast majority of the people is going to fight off it's tragic the people that don't not diminishing that at all that's not I'm saying, but there's a giant difference between something that Idris Elba gets and shows no weaknesses, shows no symptoms rather, or Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson get it and they get over it. It's rough, but they get over it and they survive versus prions that kill a hundred percent of all the deer that they infect. They're all dead and they waste away. They waste away to nothing. It's ugly.

Wow. Jesus. And they're like, look, this guy was sounding the warning bell. He was like, these have made the jump to mice and they, prions have made the jump from animals to people. This is totally possible. This can happen. Yeah.

And it's like right now, it's like this like silent thing that they're just keeping an eye on and it's spreading across the country and people don't know like there's places Where people have stopped eating deer meat and there's checkpoints We have to bring the deer in like Wisconsin Where my friend Doug lives where they bring the deer and they have to test them before you can eat this for chronic wasting Test it for CWD. Yeah, and The thing is it hasn't made the jump to people but who's who's gonna take that risk? Yeah, right

You're gonna eat it eat this deer sausage that came from a deer that has CWD, but it's never made the jump to people, so have the sausage. You're like, what? I'm not eating that. The thing definitely had it. It was definitely positive. Because a lot of times they're positive for like a year. So they're running around looking like a regular deer, and you shoot it, and you cook it, and eat it, and you're eating the prions. They just don't affect your brain yet. About 7,000 to 15,000 animals infected with CWD

are eaten each year. And that number could rise by 20% annually, according to the Alliance for Public Wildlife, which Osterholm cited in his testimony. Scientists can't say for sure that CWD will cross over and infect humans, but as time goes on and more infected meat is consumed, the likelihood increases, Osterholm said. It's like a throw at the genetic roulette table, he said. Fuck that. Yeah. What if that gets into the cows? What if that gets into your cheeseburger? This is maybe what the whole vegan movement's about. Maybe they're trying to protect us from an ultimate attack.

What if that's the only people that survive? Can you imagine how annoying the earth will become? Everybody will be thin. I know. I'm super self-righteous. All the guys would have to have man buns. You have to. Yeah.

Meat eaters would get a Velcro man bun and put it on just to get through security. Yeah, you got to. You couldn't eat meat anymore. Everybody was dying of chronic wasting disease. Yeah. Imagine, man. Again, these are possible. There's been a bunch of

different horrific... There's been 15 pandemics, they say, in the last 300 years? No, more than that. 3,000 years. I'm sure. There have been more than that, I'm sure. There's been a bunch recently. We were reading them off recently, like ones that were considered

pandemic. H1N1 was considered pandemic. Was it? Oh. There was 15 of something. Maybe it's not a pandemic then. H1N1, what was the number again, Jamie? It was like more than 50,000 dead in this country. In this country? Yeah. No. Yeah.

Yeah. Fuck, I didn't know that. Well, that's this country. Total. Total in the world? It says. But are you sure that's America or the rest of the world? No. It says the very next thing below.

It says estimated 151,000 to 575,000 people died during the first year. Okay. Okay. So 575,000 in the world, but only 18 18 000 in america what was the one that got the big number if i'm wrong about eight one h1n1 there was one that had a really large number were you like what two thousand remember i read you at those quotes the other day did we ever figure out if those are real there was one okay. cases. Oh, that's what it is. There's the one from death rates range from 3% to 33%.

Swine flu, 12,469 deaths in the United States, according to CDC, from April 2009 to April 2010. What about the 2017 to 2018 H2N3? That one, it says killed 61,000 Americans. Is that the one? H2N3 from 2017. But again. That was in 1968.

Is it? It says 17 to 18. No, H2N3. Oh, sorry. Did I say it wrong? No, no. I'm looking at one that's just dyslexic back the other way. Estimated infected 894,000 people got the flu.

Overall death rate was 7.5% with a peak in January 2018 of 10.8% fatality rate. Whoa. Yeah. I don't know if that's true, though. 10% fatality. This is a text that a doctor sent me who's a wise man, but we have done zero research. Whoa. Yeah. I don't know if that's true, though. 10% fatality. This is a text that a doctor sent me who's a wise man, but we have done zero research. Right.

So that's what I'm trying to find out. Well, 10%, I think, is a death rate for corona, isn't it? Oh, no. That was what it was in Italy. I think that's the influenza A. Influenza A. It's H3N2. And how many people did that kill? So how come there wasn't social distancing and all this stuff for... I think the idea is that the flu is something we're prepared for.

We have flu shots. We have Tamiflu. We're prepared for someone getting a bad case of the flu. We're prepared for the flu. This is something that nobody saw coming. It directly affects your respiratory system. They said Dr. Hotez yesterday was trying to explain that it was basically five times more deadly than the flu

and five times more contagious. Okay. So it's a perfect combination. And a great number of people are asymptomatic. So they get it and nothing happens. It spreads more. And they spread it. And then the people that it infects

it infects a lot of people from them and it is really bad for the people that it's really bad for. It's weird. And this is one of the things that he was kind of highlighting that it's a very strange one. Okay. Influenza has caused up to 57,300

deaths and sickened up to 41.3 million people, according to new estimates. In the last year? This was posted a year ago, so this would have been for the previous year. So that was the 2007, I think, 2017-2018 year. That's the 57,000 year. 57,000 Americans died in one year of the flu? No shit. I know.

That's what's crazy. Damn. This is what's – well, you've got to think, Greg, about the numbers of us. This is what we have to think. The scale. And again, this is not diminishing because people want to get upset at these kind of things. I'm not diminishing at all the impact of the coronavirus and what is happening right now. And it's different for sure.

It's definitely worse. of the coronavirus and what's happening right now. And it's different, for sure. It's definitely worse. But what I'm saying is most of us weren't truly aware of the numbers of people that are affected by the flu until this, until you're looking at those numbers and you go, wait, wait, how many? And then you think we're dealing with 330 million people, 330 million or whatever it is.

And how many of them are getting sick? And how many people do you know them are getting sick? How many people do you know that get really sick? How many people do you know that are sick already and then they get really sick and then they die? How many people do you know that have cancer and they're going through chemo and then they get sick and they die? It happens. There's so many fucking people that when the flu comes along, anyone that catches it that's in a compromised state is in trouble. Kids are in trouble. Old people are in trouble. I was going to say, kids, I think, are more in danger of the flu than they are of corona.

And corona seems to affect the elderly more. Right. Yeah. It's a different disease. Although I got a friend who works in an ER in New York who says that originally it was older people, and now they're seeing a lot of people in their 20s coming in, and not just getting it, but dying from it. Jesus. Yeah, they think there's a bunch of different factors, and they don't know what they are. They think it might be genetic. There might be different blood types.

It might be people that vape might have an issue. People that smoke seem to certainly have an issue, and they think maybe that's part of the reason why Italy has such a high death rate. And men have a higher rate than women because they smoke more. And they're gross, and they don't wash their hands. That's right. they're gross and they don't wash their hands. That's right. What if it only grew on balls?

We'd be dead from just constantly having our hands on our pants. Women would want us to get our balls cut off just like they do to dogs. They're like, look, the best way to make a dog calm is you cut their balls off. Right. And it's a win-win, honey. Yes. That's what they're going to do to people. That's how we're going to become those aliens that Yeah. That's what we were talking about before. Yeah.

That's the obvious next step for people. It's obvious. You go from original ancient primate to human being to alien. Yeah. That's the next step. No gender. Chop it all off. That's what all this gender neutral, gender this, gender that, gender norms, all the battling

going on about gender that never existed before. It's a slow slide into neutering all the males. Yeah. Because that's the only way it's going to work out. And we'll be happier too, Joe. We won't have to feel the pressure of breeding anymore. We're all going to listen to Lizzo. I'm 100% that bitch.

We're all going to be chicks, man. But at least we're going to understand why each other's are mad. And we're going gonna be jerks man but at least we're gonna understand why each other's are mad then we're gonna get it we'll go oh now i know why you're mad yeah i never thought that way before right right boy i'm surprised you weren't more mad that was one of the funniest things about uh i was watching this documentary about this lady who converted into a man. And she was talking about like the difference being like once she got testosterone and they started shooting her up with testosterone, her clit started growing. She was like, oh, OK, I get it. She's like, now I know. I thought the way you guys felt Was like the same way we felt

Yeah She's like That's interesting I've never been this horny in my life Yeah Yeah, you get it now Yeah, it's a different thing God

It's a different The male horny is a It's a pursuing horny It's an aggressive Like, I gotta take care of this Jesus Yeah Like a young kid

Like an 18 year old kidold kid, like, fuck! Dude. The agony. Agony. Agony. And all-consuming. All-consuming. You couldn't think about anything.

You couldn't be in a room with a nun without having a dirty thought. And once you got your first sexual experience, once a girl, a cute young girl your age, slides your penis into her mouth, you're like, oh my Jesus, this is better than anything I've ever done by far. I'm going to focus solely on this for the next two decades. Dude, when your first girlfriend is rubbing your balls while you're ejaculating into her mouth, you're like, what could be better than this? You're telling me there's a thing better? Yeah. Because I say horseshit. Because my whole life, I thought tens were tens. And now everything other than this is like a three.

Yeah. So all the tens, like, oh, Star Wars is amazing. Star Wars can suck a fucking pail of these dicks. Right, right. Fuck you. Star Wars sucks compared to blowjobs. Right. And for women, a nice cuddle feels like a 10 and everything else goes down

listen bro some girls are dirty i remember this girl that i dated when i was 17 we were both like around the same age she would get so wet that it would and this is kind of i shouldn't even talk about her let's talk about her after she turned 18 after she turned 18 we were both let's make it so we're both well legal I was 19 she was 18 she would get so wet it would drip down her thighs her inner thigh would have a trail of tears

like she was crying was she a squirter? no she was just horny a horny little Irish girl that's humans at 18 That's what it's like We forgot We're in our 50s

We're old broken down jalopies These new kids are out there They're fucking supercharged corvettes And they're running around With boners trying to figure out life And thank god they're gonna make Machinery for them soon They're gonna have robots out there that take care of these young men.

Do you think so? Oh, yeah. No one's going to want it. You're going to want a real girl. Well, what about the guys who can't get a real girl? Still not good enough. Still weird. Yeah.

Like Ex Machina. Yeah. Like Ex Machina. If that guy met a really cool chick who's like, don't you think it's a little fucked up that you want to fuck that robot lady? Yeah. He's like, it is a little fucked up. She's like, you know, I like you.

And he's like, you really like me? Yeah. I like you. I'm a person. I like you. Let's get the fuck out of here. He's like, yeah, let's get the fuck out of here. Yeah.

And the robot would kill both of them. Robot would find them. Yeah. Kill them both. Right. No emotion. Just stab them in the heart. Yeah.

Did you see that movie? Ex Machina? Yeah. yeah it's great the end scene is like whoa of course why would they have emotions so well written it was it was such a fucking did not see that coming yeah that girl who's the girl that played uh the the number one robot in ex machina. She's fucking amazing. She's really great. You buy it. Hook, line, and sinker. Yeah. Hook, line, and sinker. She's a hot robot.

She got in shape for that role. I think she's got a fake body. What do you mean she got in shape for that role? No, it was based on her real body, wasn't it? Why would it be? You could just lay around the couch and they'll turn you into some translucent thing with wires. Yeah. You don't have to have a hot body.

Imagine if that was the only thing they couldn't do. Like, we can give you this crazy robot looking body. Alicia. Wow. Alicia Vikander. What else has she been in? Swedish actress. What else has that lady been in?

Tomb Raider? Oh, Jesus. Well, Jason Bourne. Oh, the Danish girl. Well, she's fucking amazing in that movie just amazing but imagine if they they couldn't change the shape like you got to get down to a really sexy shape and then do the rest right like you can't you're turning me into a robot yeah i can't just eat chips no sorry yeah the only way we can do it is the actual shape of your body you gotta

meet us halfway yeah it's got to be exact. Yeah. And then we'll turn you into a robot. We'll freeze you. In other words, we'll freeze you at that size. I think one day you're going to go over to your buddy's house, and you're going to knock on the door. He's going to open up the door. You're going to go inside, and you're going to see this sexy maid in lingerie, in high heels, with like a push-up bra.

And she's hot as fuck. And she's like, oh, hi, Greg. And you go to your friend. Hey, man, is she real? And he goes, shh. Come on. What's real? Is that boner real?

Because I see a boner right now. she's a super hot porn star looking yeah lady was the fake tits but they're real right yeah because you're making it's a biological thing that they've built well right if they're fake tits anyway i mean i've never real i've never i've been married since fake tits have been around, so I don't really know what it's like to interact with fake tits. But it seems to me that like, if, if that, if the vagina and the tits are the, really the key points for making love, then who cares if the rest of the body is fake? Hmm.

Interesting thought. Yeah. Like a fake arm. Yeah. Make it all fake. But if, what if she's like jerking you off with a fake arm and you're like, no, no, no, use a fake arm. Yeah. Make it all fake. But what if she's jerking you off with a fake arm? And you're like, no, no, no, use the real one. Just be like, the fake one's more sensitive.

The real one, I get twitches sometimes. It's just like, no, no, no. Use the real one. It's like the bionic man. One's real and one's... Yeah, you don't want to get jerked off by the fake one. Yeah. Like, I want you to do it.

Like, do it with your real hand. This is weird. Yeah. I don't want to get jerked off by the fake one. Yeah. Like, I want you to do it. Like, do it with your real hand. This is weird. Yeah. I don't want you using a tool on me, you know? Or at least a palm. You commit to letting someone use something on you. Yeah. You know?

Commit to someone wants to put a vibrator in your tank. Like, hey, hey, hey, hey. It's not real. Let's just hang out. Yeah. Hey. It's not real. Let's just hang out.

Yeah. You don't have to use a Theragun on my taint. Right. Let's just talk. Yeah. You don't have to do that. God, I remember there was this girl in college, and she used to chain smoke and drink tab all day.

Everything about her was just kind of manufactured and, you know, just perfect. Just perfect. And I remember one time, like, I was over at her house, and we'd kind of broken up, and she'd had a party. And she's like, hey, why don't you stick around? I was like, nah, I'm going to head out. She's like, no, stay, stay. I was like, nah. She's like, I have toys. I'm like, all right, let's crack another beer. She's like, no, stay, stay. I was like, nah. She's like, I have toys.

I'm like, all right, let's crack another beer and hang out for a little while. You have toys. That's what took you over the top? That's right, because I never played with toys. And she opened up her bottom drawer of her dresser, and it was like a fucking hardware store. All different sizes and shapes. Do you remember post 9-11 when Stanhope would travel with a suitcase filled with dildos? No.

Yes. That was his thing? That was his thing. Stanhope would travel with a whole suitcase filled with dildos. Oh, that's great. Like a shoe salesman. Let me show you my wares. I mean, they're 100% legal to have. Yeah.

So he would just get checked at every TSA. They'd be like, what in the fuck? And they'd open up his bags. Just dicks. Rubber dicks. But what kind of girl that you go back to his hotel room and he opens up his suitcase and you just start using them? Same kind of girl that loves Stanhope. Perfect. Yeah, that's right. Perfect.

Perfect gal. Yep. You know, it's a... He just wipes it down with his tie. Just good old honest advertising. Now listen, I see that you like me and you've come back to my room. Can I assume I can put hardware that's been in other women inside of you right now? Yes. Sure.

Let's do it. Let's smoke cigarettes, too. Yeah. Yeah. Let's take some mushrooms, smoke a cigarette. Fuck yeah. Let's make some phone calls, too. Filthy dildos inside of me.

Every time I get a phone call from Stan Hope, it's like, oh, yeah, I hope he's drunk. What do you got? What are you doing? Where you at right now? He got into yoga for a while. No, not yoga. Biking and hiking. Oh, yeah, I hope he's drunk. What do you got? What are you doing? Where are you at right now? He got into yoga for a while. No, not yoga, biking and hiking. Hell, yeah? Yeah, he did yoga, too.

Yeah, he met this lady down in Tucson. He was writing a book. And she was a cyclist, right? I'm trying to look. I remember, yeah. She was a cyclist, right? I'm trying to look. I remember, yeah.

Anyway, she got him to stop drinking for a while, start eating healthy, start exercising, start riding a bike, and she was getting him to do it on a regular basis. Huh. Yeah. I was like, what? How is this possible? I don't know if he maintained. I was assuming it was just a cleansing period before we'd hop back.

Yeah. Hop back on the booze. I think that makes—being a drunk could get boring if you never took a break. You've got to step away once in a while, clean it up, and then feel the joy of going back down into the darkness. Yeah, the darkness. You know? You know, I talked to Ari Shafir yesterday—or I texted with Ari. He's quarantined himself in Maryland for two weeks. He's run out of edibles, and he's not smoking it because he thinks it makes you vulnerable to corona.

So he's doing yoga, living a clean life. Good for him. Yeah. So he's going to do that for two weeks, and then he's going to move in with his folks, right? Yeah. Yeah. I think he just decided to play it that way. Smart move coming from New York because that's where Michael Yeo got it.

It's where there's the most cases in the country right now. Meanwhile, they say more cases in the United States and more deaths in the United States than China. I don't buy that. I was reading that this scientist was saying that is literally almost impossible. You're dealing with a country that has three times the amount of people and it broke out there. So there's three times the amount of people that broke out there. It's been going on far longer than it's been going on here.

And they're saying there's less deaths in China than there are here and less people infected? Yeah. Highly suspicious. China concealed extent of virus outbreak u.s intelligence says that's from bloomberg yeah that should say uh duh yeah yeah of course they did now when they shoot you for reporting the truth yeah dude there's 21 million people missing from their cell phone database there. Really? 21 million.

Damn! That doesn't mean that 21 million people are dead from the virus, but let's just say it's only 10% of those people. Let's say it's that. That's 2 million people dead. Right. Let's say it's 10% of that. Come on, man.

200,000 people dead? How many people really died? Is it really only 30,000 or whatever they said? How many did they say died? It's not that many. Well, they've also loosened up their restrictions now. So if it didn't get that bad, it will get that bad because it'll have a boomerang now that they open it up again. Well, they tried to open up movie theaters And then they immediately closed them back down again

Well, did you hear As soon as they relaxed things The divorce rate went up Shot through the roof in China 3,000 deaths Get the fuck out of here Yeah, right 81,000 cases, we have way more cases

Only 3,000 deaths, we have more deaths Come on Yeah Listen, you're dealing with a military Only 3,000 deaths. We have more deaths. Come on. Yeah. Listen, you're dealing with a military dictatorship. They get to decide what information gets revealed, and anything that would show them to have made a mistake or to be liable or to be negligent or incompetent is going to be suppressed. Well, what's North Korea saying?

That's a good question. I haven't heard a peep out of North Korea. South Korea apparently got on it very quickly. They were saying that Germany has the best results. They have a very, very low mortality rate. And they don't know if it's because of the stringency of their system, the health of the people, whether it's a combination of things. They have apparently a very good health care system.

But it makes sense. Think about the way Germans make cars. They're so well engineered. It's so well thought out. North Korea claims no coronavirus cases. Can it be trusted? Send them your fucking credit card number. And Kim Jong-un just shot an 11 again last week in golf.

Yeah. Get the fuck out of here. Oh, does he have crazy golf scores? Yeah. Does he really? Yeah, he claims that he got a hole-in-one on every hole. No. Something crazy. Really?

Or got like a 27 out of 18 holes. Really? Really? Yeah. What is that? Is that like Tiger Woods world class? No, no. Tiger Woods will shoot a great round of 63. So this guy says like 17.

I forget what it is, but it's like it entails several holes in one in one round. I've got five holes in one. In one round. Oh my God. Dennis Rodman was with him. That must be fun though to be able to just tell people every day Like alright print this I fucked nine women last night They were all tens

He said he got a 34 A 38 under par 34 By the way Lil Duval who's the best follow On Instagram right now All day he's been posting about the Coronavirus and funny memes and shit But he had one with the The king of Thailand the king of Thailand.

The king of Thailand is sequestered in his palace with his 18 girlfriends. Is that sequestered? Yes, it is. It's just him and them and just a long bone session. How many does he have? You feeling any better? Nope. I need a little more time.

The king of Thailand had a girl that was like his number one girl. Here it is. King of Thailand. Oh, excuse me. 20 girlfriends. Wow. He's in a luxury hotel with 20 girlfriends. So he's got them all in rooms.

They can't go anywhere and stay put. Is that what all his medals are for? Yes. For fucking. He won the fucking Olympics every year he stands on the podium holding his dick that is so crazy there's just different styles of life

but I think Lil Duval wrote Aspirations it's the same guy that made his mistress lie at his feet while he got married. Yeah, it's the same guy. Oh, no shit. Not only did he took away her military position because she was disrespectful to the queen. Wow.

Yeah, he made her bow down in front of everybody. You watch the video. Click. It says watch the video. You should watch the video. Damn. As he made her his official concubine in ceremony attended by his wife. So that was when he made her his official concubine.

That was one video. But there's another video where he took away the title, which hasn't been bestowed upon someone in a long time, apparently. He took it away because she slipped of the tongue. Look at this this official concubine look at bowing down she gets a concubine crown just imagine

living like that imagine the whole world he gives her something to eat what is she doing she putting in her hair like a leaf a little flower

to put behind her ear yeah there's like rules stuff you have to do meanwhile the wife's like mm mm-hmm, this bitch. What the fuck is this bitch doing? Look at that. They all have to be on their knees in front of him.

Whew. I guess. Lots of different ways to go. All right. Huh. Yeah. Wow. Wow.

Maybe he's got the best time of this coronavirus. Yeah. Wow. Maybe he's got the best time of this coronavirus. Thailand's Playboy King has taken over a luxury German hotel to isolate from the coronavirus along with a harem of 20 women. Salute. 67. Keep on rocking in the free world, sir.

20 women. I know. It seems like a lot. I guess it's you know maybe he knows something we don't know whatever his diet is I need it well maybe it's just like he knows it's going to take a long time yeah maybe they get to world leaders and they go

we've got a couple of years it was not clear if his fourth wife former flight attendant was even with him. The baller move would be to wait four days and then send for more women. Right. Just to blow people's minds. Yeah.

With golden underwear on. You just pose at the balcony every now and then. Stand out of the balcony overlooking the city with a glass of champagne with golden underwear. Just look around, and you go right back in. Send in some more bitches. He left. I mean, he's in Germany. He's in Berlin. Of course.

Yeah, he just left. Well, Germany's the best place to be, like we were saying. Super, super low mortality rate. Less than one-tenth of one percent in Germany. I was reading that, like, in Scandinaviaavia, different countries, they're all being pretty conservative about it, except for Sweden, which has completely laxed all social distancing, and

they've got the same rates of infection as everybody else. No, they don't. Oh, has it changed? Yeah, it's jumped. Yeah, the Sweden model, there was a curve that they showed week to week, where everyone else is kind of like, this is the thing you keep hearing, flatten the curve. Right.

Well, Sweden is a good example of how it's not flat and it's going up. So they had like, you know, Sweden was yellow and this country was another color and Sweden was going up where the other ones were not. Huh. Yeah, it's a risky move, you know. And I think, I don't know if their fatalities are any higher though. We're going to see state by state what happens in this country because California has been really locked down pretty early and pretty well.

And there are a lot of cases in San Francisco, but— Not that bad here. Not bad here in L.A. No, not that bad. If you really stop and consider what it could be. A lot in New York, though. New York's rough. But think about the way people— the style of life over there.

Everybody's bumping into everybody on the streets. Public transportation. Yep, yep, yep. Apartment buildings, taking the elevators, hundreds of other people on the stairs. City bikes. Oh, yeah, man. You're always in contact with people. You're eating out way more than you're eating at home.

I mean, it's one of the cool things about New York City. You know? That's what's going to be weird coming back if people can relax. Or if they're just now, are we going to be like this when the flu comes around again? Like, what if another pandemic flu that does the kind of damage that that other one that we were talking

about, the 2017-2018 flu? Are we going to be gun-shy now? Oh, I think, I watch TV or movies, and I literally have a subconscious reaction to people being close to each other. That's how internalized it's becoming. And that's going to stick around for a while.

Yeah, like you see a picture of dudes like hugging each other and laughing at a bar. You're like, what are you doing so close to each other? Get out. Fuck. Yeah, we're going to be rewired after this. Do you think you'll get through it and go back to normal the way you think?

Or do you think there's no normal? I think it depends on what you just said. I think if there's another one that comes on the heels of this, then it's going to really reinforce it. But if this thing clears up as, you know, if the weather comes in and it's warm, which isn't even proven because a lot of warm weather places still have the coronavirus, but if that helps stem it for a while and it goes away within a few months, I think we'll be okay. Well, dude, you're welcome to come in here anytime you want.

While we're down, if you want to do regular podcasts, let's do them all the time. Oh, that's great. Let's hang out. Yeah, I'd love it. Because one of the things that I'm enjoying, for real enjoying, over these last few weeks has been I did a podcast with Bert, and I did a podcast with Tom, and I did a podcast with Joey, and I'm like, these are my favorite.

We're all getting to hang out on a regular basis. It's not like these big stretches where you're going on tour in the East, and I'm going over here, and Joey's over there. We're all together. We're almost fucking, we're 30 minutes drive from each other all the time. Yeah. It's different. I know.

This is great. And it's like I was saying with my family. Family and close friends. It's like, what's better than that in life? The thing that's weird, though, is you can't hug and you're not even shaking hands. And we're seeing each other, but we're staying all these feet apart from each other. It's a little weird. Yeah. It feels a little weird in that regard.

But that's just what it is now. Right. That's what it is now until it stops being that. I know. And podcasting has to take the place of stand-up for a while, just energy-wise, creativity-wise. People that are doing stand-up on the internet with no audience are out of your fucking mind. People are doing that?

Yes. A bunch of people have done it at the Laugh Factory. They were streaming stand-up comedy. Can you hear the audience's laugh? Is it like a Zoom where it's back and forth? No, there's no audience. They're just doing stand-up? They're just doing stand-up comedy. Can you hear the audience's laugh? Is it like a Zoom where it's back and forth? No, there's no audience. They're just doing stand-up? They're just doing stand-up. They're basically playing guitar with no instrument. Yeah.

Right. They're masturbating. It's comedy masturbation. Well, they just are trying it out, you know? They go, people at home are listening, but it's not the same. No, people want the content, but you gotta figure out... I just started this new podcast called Sunday Papers, where I

just... Me and... You know my buddy Mike Gibbons? Yeah, sure. I met Mike. Yeah, so me and Mike do a thing where we read the Sunday paper, and we just go through each section. Entertainment, sports, business. That's a good move. And we just do jokes about each section, and we have little sound effects for the paper. Oh, that's great. Yeah, so it's on my site.

It's on the FitzDog Radio site. And it's just another reason to hang out with a good friend once a week. Yeah, Tim Dillon said it best. He's like, you can't just do stand-up to no audience. He's like, you've got to be creative. Come up with sketches. Right. But Dillon's always doing that.

Tim has always got his Meghan McCain impression. He's really fucking funny. he's so prolific yeah he is and he let the stuff he does out on the street just fucking around with people is hilarious no he's awesome he's he's awesome but he he goes so far like his characters i told him like i want you to get healthy man i'm like we need you yeah like we really do need him. Right. He's fucking hilarious. He's a wild man. And this is the time, like, for me, like, guys like him that fucking push it hard, like, they're important. Yeah. You got to keep these guys around.

That's right. You got to nourish them. Because, like, there's a lot of lazy comics out there that aren't putting in one-tenth of the work that Tim Dillon's out there putting in. Yeah. He's constantly uploading new videos, constantly doing, constantly tweeting funny shit. Constantly. Yeah. Constantly.

Yeah. He's just still working, man. And he's just naturally funny. Yes. He's got that, he's got to be from Long Island, right? Oh, he's definitely from New York. He's got that. He's from Long Island, right?

He's got that Long Island sense of humor. He just doesn't give a shit. The best form of it. Yeah. The best form, but well-read, but it's a smart guy too. Yeah. We're in a strange, strange moment in history. Yeah. It's strange, but it's an opportunity. It really is something you got to look at. Like you said something to me when I asked you last week, how you're doing, You got to look at, like you said something to me when I asked you last week how you're doing. You said you're just trying to accept. And I think that's the key. If you can accept it, then you can be proactive about it.

You can be creative about it. You can just take whatever life force you have and, you know, look at what are the possibilities here. Don't have any expectations that can get shattered by reality. Accept what it is. What it is is a new thing. You know, look at what are the possibilities here. Don't have any expectations that can get shattered by reality. Accept what it is. What it is is a new thing. You know, stay alive, be nice to each other, and do your best and try to get through this. And hopefully at the other end, when science and medicine has gotten a handle on this, hopefully we can go back to normal life. That would be wonderful. But right now we can't, So it is what it is. If you just want to run around screaming and hollering and freaking out about it,

and it's not good. What, what makes me more concerned than anything is what is life going to be like once the economy rolls back again? How many people are going to be out of work? How many businesses are going to be shuttered? How many, you know, how, how fucked up is it going to be? is going to be shuttered? How many, you know, how, how fucked up is it going to be? That gives me the most, uh, fear of the unknown because I know that a certain amount of people are going to get sick and a certain large percentage are going to get better. And unfortunately, some people are going to die and all that's awful. But I kind of see that, that, that makes sense in my mind. I kind of see a disease. I see people that all make sense. What doesn't make sense is an economy that stops and then restarts again. I've never seen that before. So for that, I'm like, what is that like? And there's no model to base it on because our economy today is so

much different than it was, you know, even 10 years ago. It's an international economy. It is, uh, it's a, it's a digital economy. There's so much of it that we don't, we don't know how it's going to know how it's going to play out. Yeah. And I know that a lot more people are going to stop going to work. I think that businesses are saying, oh, we don't need offices for 100% of our people and parking spots. No, we'll just have 50% of the people work from home like we just did for the last three months. That worked. That would be very cost effective for people that don't want to have gigantic offices. And then also how free, how much freedom it is if you can work from home.

I mean, for a lot of people, if that's possible, that would definitely be preferable. Hell yeah. And productivity. I can tell you from writing on TV shows over the years, there's been some that I've written from home, you know, where I'm like a consultant that's just handing them. I do so much more work when I have to actually hand it in through an email than when I'm sitting in a writer's room with 12 other people throwing out a line once an hour while I'm eating fucking sushi. I mean, I work my ass off when I'm home because I got to justify it. Yes, that's a good point.

That's a good point. You're accountable. Yeah. I mean, I think a good thing to do right now would be to think about that in terms of creation of material. One thing I've been guilty of over the last month, I haven't written jack shit.

I mean, I have a couple ideas that I wrote down, but I really have been writing when I haven't been doing stand-up. And I decided what I wanted to do is I wanted to know what my take on this is. And I felt like the best way I could figure out what my take on it is, is just to have a natural take on it. Like actually go through this and, and find out what it is first, how long it's going to last and what, what do you And what are your thoughts on this? And at the beginning, I didn't know what my thoughts on it were because my thoughts on it were stay safe.

Make sure family stays safe. Friends stay safe. You know, do whatever you're supposed to do. And let's find out how long it's going to take. What do the experts say? Talk to some experts. What's the prognosis look like? It keeps getting pushed back.

Now it's June. Now they're saying June. Things are going to restart in June. I'm like, fuck, what is that like? What is that like for people that are check to check? Three months? April, May, June? When does it go back? Three months from now and it's already been a month? Whoa. What day, June? what if june 14 you got more cases then what do we do when do we do we ever say fuck it let's just go back to work what is that like what kind of drunken uh wild west parties are you're gonna be when people go back to work and start going back to bars and they forgot how to be out at a bar at a nightclub, how many people are going to be pregnant?

When this all goes back, there's going to be a giant uptick in babies. Oh, nine months from now? Oh, my God. Oh, yeah, I didn't think of that. They're fucking and they're scared and they're shooting those fear-based loads, which are heavy.

Dude, and we're running out of condoms. I was just reading in the paper that they produce all the condoms in Malaysia. I think it's in Malaysia. And they're shuttered. The factory's shuttered. We need to make shit here, but we need to make shit in a way that doesn't destroy the environment. And one of the ways they're able to make shit in other countries is they don't have the same regulations,

environmental regulations, as they do here. That's always been the big problem with shipping stuff overseas. They also don't have the same regulations, environmental regulations, as they do here. That's always been the big problem with shipping stuff overseas. They also don't have the same regulations. Like when the Foxconn scandal came out and they found out there was nets around the building to keep people from jumping off the building where they make iPhones. You're like, oh, what? Yeah. We've got to make them here.

And we've got to figure out a way where we make them where we have a – the person who makes them makes a good living. You know, back in the old days when they used to have, like, great cars that were made in Detroit. They were all made in Detroit. And Detroit was a huge city. Detroit was one of the richest cities in the country. It was huge. Now it's a disaster because everything got shipped overseas or everything got shipped to different places. Well, they got to figure out the unions because the unions are a great theory

and they have worked well in a lot of ways, but they also have huge problems. And there's got to be a way to get unions back in place that can guarantee people health coverage and retirement without making the cost of doing business so high that it hurts the industry. I don't know jack shit about finances, so I don't know whether or not I should even comment on that. But it would be nice if everybody worked it out. It would be nice if everybody figured out how to make shit in America where we don't have to worry about things going down.

And let's learn from this. Let's learn from this and start making medicine over here. Why is all the medicine made in China? What? Right. How much? What? It's crazy.

Yeah. We make a lot of shit. But we need to balance out. We need to balance out for some sort of apocalyptic event. We've got to be prepared. Well, this is like, you know, we're streamlining right now. We're realizing what's necessary and what's luxury. And we're keeping it simple.

And then we're going to come out of it having a better gauge of what each of us needs individually and as a country. Or Trump wins a second term. We go to war with Iran. China backs Iran. Woo! Things get crazy. Trump wins a second term. We go to war with Iran. China backs Iran. Woo! Things get crazy. No one has any money. 50% are out of work.

Military's in the streets. Yeah. COVID-21 comes out. Yeah. Kills 40% of the population. Still no ventilators. All right. That's possible, too.

Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of possibles out there. What was the thing about we were shipping stuff overseas? They just read something today that we were sending medical equipment to other countries. We were. Did you read anything about that? When the ship broke down in China, we shipped a bunch of our stuff there to help them without then replenishing what we shipped over.

Oh, we got stupid. We were trying to be helpful and didn't think it was going to happen to us. I think that's what I was saying. But I think I also read something about Thailand, that we were actually shipping stuff to Thailand right now and then it was some kind of mix-up and the government

is apologizing about it now. Well, China's apparently going to stop, according to my friend Forrest Galante, who's a wildlife biologist, China's going to stop the sale of a lot of wildlife now, which is what you got in those wet markets. Yeah. You know, sale of wildlife all packed on top of each other. Apparently they're enacting some new regulations to stop that because they're recognizing like, hey, this is where diseases come from. There's got to be a better way to do this. But I mean, in really impoverished provinces,

and you think about the sheer size of China and the sheer numbers of the population, and the fact they've been doing it this way for so long, what are you going to do different? How are you going to stop them? Well, it's factory farming. And so what's happening is like these small farmers are being pushed further and further into the wilderness,

and so they're basically harvesting animals that aren't normally eaten, and there's a lot of bat shit, and the animals are eating bat shit. Is that really what's going on? Yeah. That sounds like a gas station version of what's really going on. Oh, who am I? What am I, one of your doctor guests who knows what the fuck they're talking about? I think you're right about batshit, though.

Official asked the Thais for help, only to be informed by the puzzled voices on the other side of the line that a U.S. shipment of the same supplies, the second of two so far, was already on its way to Bangkok. So we had a problem with our policy and the way shit was already sent over

and someone else was asking for stuff and they didn't know that it was already being sent there so they put a stop on that. Okay. Oh, so it was being sent to Bangkok and we turned it around. Meanwhile, their king is in Germany fucking 20 beautiful women.

Meanwhile, I was watching, there's this guy, do you know who Efren Reyes is? No. Probably one of the, if not the greatest pool player of all time, one of the greatest pool players of all time. And he lives in the Philippines. And he plays these money matches over there all the time. He's really old now.

He doesn't play like he used to when he was at his best. But they put these matches online from, like like March 20th, 2020. Packed pool hall. People stuffed into the Philippines. Stuffed on top of each other. No social distancing whatsoever. Smoking cigarettes, hanging out, playing pool. Stuffed into this pool room.

And I'm like, wow. And they're just putting that online. Yeah. See if you can find it. Efren Reyes, March 2020. Like March 20th. Damn. And I'm like, oh.

How many places in the world are like this? Where they're just hanging out. They're just like, fuck it. We're just going to do it normal style. Right. And then leaving and going on public transportation for sure yeah and then other people interact with them and yeah but it's uh other places you know you go to the supermarket and people are dressed up like

they're beekeepers yeah what's your uh what's your uh uh regimen for exercising during this? Same as usual? Same as usual. Yeah. Yeah. Except you can't go to yoga classes. You're just doing it yourself. Yeah, no yoga, but I'm working out here.

Yeah. And I work out at my house, and I still run the hills with the dog. I've been doing that a lot. More hiking than running. I had a little bit of a knee injury from skiing. But that's healed up. But it's not that big a deal for me. Luckily, I'm fortunate I got a home gym.

But there's plenty of videos if you don't online. If you can get any one thing, one piece of equipment that I would think you would need, get a chin-up bar. Everything else you could do with your body weight. If you just write out a body weight workout, so chin-ups, add chin-ups, different kinds of push-ups like Hindu push-ups. Hindu push-ups are your ass goes up in the air and you bomb dive and push-up. Like an up dog? Yeah, exactly.

Those are great. Those are great. Do series of sets of 20 of those. Do regular push-ups. Do diamond push-ups with your hands like this. push-ups, do diamond push-ups with your hands like this. You could do wall presses where you put your feet on the wall, and you could do shoulder presses that way where you're pushing things overhead.

What do you mean, like a handstand? Yeah, and you just put your feet on the wall. So you rest your feet on the wall, and you just do shoulder presses. Yeah. Instead of pushing weight overhead, you just push your whole body up. Right. So you can do that. You can, without even leaving your house, you can get crazy cardio workouts just by doing lunges and switching steps and doing what are called Hindu squats. And Hindu squats, you go down.

They're all just all body weight, no weight, no added weight at all. You go down. And as you go down, when your knees go all the way bent, you actually lift your heels up off the ground, you go on the balls of your feet. And then you put your hands behind you. And then you stand up like this. And then you go back down again. And the same thing, you just keep going over and over and over again. And you could do sets of like 100. So it's really pretty easy for the first 10. And then for the first 15 and 20, and then you go, oh, this is going to be 30. This is some work.

50, holy shit, I'm halfway there. 60, you get to 100 Hindu squats and your thighs are fucking burning. Burning. Burning. And you want to build up. Some wrestlers, they would do them every day. They would do like 500 hindu squats every morning oh yeah it was part of their conditioning regiment you know who the ms is that guy on the wwe

no he was on fear factor once and uh the most fit guy we ever had on fear factor by far like you do freaky shit like swam in cold water holding his breath while doing tasks for like two and a half minutes didn't have to come up for air where everybody else would have tapped out a long time ago i was like this fucking dude is fit and this is before he was like a superstar in wrestling like people knew of him he had been on some reality show he was on the real world yeah but like super fit like crazy shape and he was talking about the different things that he would do for wrestling and one of the things was the air squats they would do those kind of hind squats, very similar kind of squats. We do 500 a day.

Wow. I was like, God damn it. And knowing how hard it is to do 100, you're doing 500 of those a day. That's a punishing workout on your legs. And you don't have to go anywhere. Yeah. Right from your house. We got some of those rubber bands.

Those rubber bands are really good too. Those are great too. Those are great. There's a ton of exercises that you can learn on Instagram and on YouTube in particular. A bunch of different websites, a bunch of different people that can show you exercises. On the Onnit website, we've got a bunch of different workouts, bodyweight workouts. And also, if you want to get a kettlebell, just get one fucking kettlebell. There's a ton of YouTube videos that will give you an amazing workout with one kettlebell.

One kettlebell, one 35-pound kettlebell. There's a ton of YouTube videos that'll give you an amazing workout with one kettlebell, one kettlebell, one 35 pound kettlebell. And these, these like the series of high intensity workouts from a bunch of different instructors. No shit. There's so much. Yeah, man, free. Cause they're, they just want you to tune into their content and they'll give you certain exercises you can do and they'll put them in order and they're trying to build up their Instagram pages or build up the YouTube pages. So plenty of free information. Get on Amazon.com, have them send a 35 pound kettlebell to your house. One kettlebell and you replaced your gym. One kettlebell, one chin-up bar, you replaced your gym. Right.

I mean, every day you can get a fucking ferocious workout in a bunch of different ways. So the chin-up bar is just for pull-ups and chin-ups? Just pull-ups. And I guess abs and chin-ups. Yeah, you can do abs stuff too. You want to get the kind, in my opinion, my humble opinion, get the kind that screws into the door. I don't trust those ones that hook.

I just like, I could just see shit going wrong. Yeah, right. You know what I mean? I want a motherfucker that's not coming out of the door. Yeah. Just in there. And then from that, you could do those leg raises where you hang and you bring your feet up and touch the bar and then slowly bring them down and feet up and touch the bar.

Brutal ab workout. There's a ton of shit you can do from your home. You could do, if you want to get in crazy cardio, get these little egg weights. They have a bunch of different sizes and do rounds of shadow boxing. So I have some that are five pounds or five pounds in each hand. And you put on like a timer and then you just have to shadowbox for three minutes. And you're 13 seconds in. You're like, oh, fuck this.

No shit. Yeah, just keep going. Keep moving. And you can get crazy cardio without having to go anywhere. Yeah. Anywhere. You don't have to do anything. Yeah.

You know? I'm going to continue with my program of sleeping with rounds of furious masturbation. Furious. Or do some push-ups. I've been doing stuff. I've been family yoga. I've been doing every other day. We found a good video online.

We do. And then bike rides. Took a long-ass bike ride with my son last night. But they closed the beach. They closed the parks. Yeah. They closed everything, right? They closed the tennis courts.

Everything. Right now, Cameron Haynes' son, Truett, is trying to break the record for the most chin-ups in 24 hours. He's doing five, I think he's doing five every minute. Really? Yeah, he's been doing it since 3 o'clock in the morning. The idea is it goes all the way through to 24 hours of chin-ups, and I think the number to beat, he's looking to beat like 4,000-something chin-ups.

No shit. Mm-hmm. no shit damn yeah what's going on right now go to his uh instagram oh you can go to cam's instagram page because camp flew in um to help him i think they're doing it in utah and uh his instagram is just truett That's Cam's son. He hasn't posted anything for the last five hours. He's at 2,060. 2,060. Yeah. So he might need to take a little nappy poo. What's he built like? Is he lean or is he beefy? He's a stud.

He's very strong. There he is. Okay. Yeah, he's probably he's in the, if I had to guess, he's in the 200 pound range. Looks tall. Yeah, he's a big kid. Big, strong I had to guess, he's in the 200-pound range. Looks tall. Yeah, he's a big kid. Big, strong kid. I mean, he's taller than Cam. I don't know how tall he is.

Now that I think about it. Oh, he's doing overhand. Yeah, that's pull-ups. Chin-ups are this one. Yeah. You grab it like this. Right. Pull-up.

Man, I guess he's probably like 5'11", 5'10", 5'11". Whatever he is, the kid's a stud. And he's a young man. I think he's in his early 20s. So he's probably like 5'11", 5'10", 5'11". Whatever he is, the kid's a stud. And he's a young man. I think he's in his early 20s. So he's doing this. He's doing five of them. But he's got a savage father. I mean, his father's out there running 240-mile races that take three days.

You know, his father's one of the best bow hunters on planet Earth. Yeah? Yeah. His father's Cameron Haynes. He's the guy who originally taught me how to shoot a bow and taught planet earth. Yeah. Yeah. His father's Cameron Haynes. He's the guy who originally taught me how to shoot a bow and taught me how to hunt. So that's his son.

So his son's a fucking savage too. So he's doing five of these every minute. So would you say he's at 2000? What? Two thousand, excuse me, 2016. Oh,

look at his shirt. Yeah. Rogan and Haynes for President 2020. That's great. But anyway, this kid is an animal, and he's documenting the whole thing. So good luck to you, Truett. Mountain Ops, maybe that's it. Mountain Ops?

That's where the Mountain Ops gym? That makes sense. Mountain Ops, that's where the Mountain Ops gym, that makes sense. They're a company that makes high-end supplements that are used by a lot of outdoor people. Make a lot of stuff specifically tailored towards athletes that hunt. That's the thing about this bow hunting thing that's very different than what people associate with hunting. You have to go to the animals. And there's no easy way to do it.

You're going to the animals. You're hiking. Right. It's a sport. You have to be in shape. It's a rare. You've got to carry heavy shit. You've got to carry heavy shit, but that's the easy part.

The hard part is, well, not always, because sometimes you're deep, deep in. You've got to carry heavy shit for miles and miles. But it's also hard just to get to where the elk are. They're super athletes. And they just effortlessly bound up the side of a hill in seconds, and it would take you an hour to go to the same place. So you have to follow these fuckers, and you have to be fit to do it,

and you're at 8,000 feet above sea level, so there's not much air there anyway, and you have to be fit. Yeah. So he started running marathons, Cameron did, and getting in really great shape just for elk hunting. And then along the way, he said, all right, I'm going to do some ultra marathons. So he did some 100 milers. And then he did this Bigfoot 200, or was it Bigfoot 240?

No, the Moab 240. So he did a 200 miler, and then he did a 240 miler. That's 10 marathons. Dude, it's so preposterous. And it takes days. Days and days and days, and they just run for days. Not straight through. Yes. Without sleeping, he'll run 10 marathons? They might sleep an hour. Sometimes people sleep 10 minutes.

Wow. Yeah. Courtney DeWalter, we had her in here. She won. Not only did she win it, she won it by more than 10 hours. So she was 10 hours faster than the second place person. Shit. She's a savage. She said she slept for a minute, and then when the minute was over, she was angry. She thought they had let her sleep for longer because she was so rested. And then she got up and fucking kept running.

Wow. Dude, she ran 200. I think it's like officially they call it the 240 but it's like 238 238 miles think about how many times you run through pain like cause I run if I run to the beach and back it's 2 miles and my ankle or my knee something hurts

but when you run that far you're dealing with blisters twisted ankles chafing you're gonna fall apart damn Twisters, twisted ankles, chafing. You're going to fall apart. Damn. Yeah, I've said it before, but I'll say it one more time. If anyone hasn't seen, go and watch the video that was documenting Eddie Izzard's trip around all of UK.

He was running a marathon every day. He did it for like 20 days or something? 26 days, I think he did it something crazy like that but here's what's really crazy didn't run before this that's the craziest so decided to pick up running and run a marathon every day

for like almost a month and just by sheer will oh you mean he didn't train leading up to that? No, he was overweight. No shit. Overweight, didn't, wasn't in shape at all. Feet were destroyed. Yeah.

I mean destroyed. Like one day they forced him, like medically forced him to take a day off. Like you have to rest your feet. His feet were destroyed, destroyed. The skin was just hanging off of them, just raw meat. And they're showing like they're trying to clean the dressings and the bandages and it's just falling apart. Like his skin's

destroyed. You gotta have some serious internal pain. Emotional pain to put yourself through that. Or you have to have a mind that's like a bank vault. You don't let those things fuck with you. You just keep going. You have a goal. Here's your goal. Left foot, right foot, go.

Keep going. But until when? Until you get to the end and then get something to eat, go to sleep, and you can do it again tomorrow. And after a while, he sort of got in shape. He just got in shape by running a goddamn marathon every day. And so towards the end of it, he's like not really in much pain anymore. He's like be able to do them a little bit faster. You could see his body's getting more accustomed to running.

Was he doing it in high-heeled shoes? No, no, no. He was only doing it. That helps. Imagine. Yeah. Yeah. He was doing it in regular clothes.

What's that? He did have his nails painted. Oh, he did have his nails painted. Well, didn't he just did another one? Yeah, he just did it 28 in 28 days, I think. He was telling us he was doing one and he wanted to run through these really bad parts of Africa and they're like, no.

They're like, you'll get killed. They'll rob you and kill you. He's like, really? He's like, yeah, we're gonna get you, take you in a van, get you out of this area, and then you can run the rest. Like, there's areas that, like, you are not running. Like, what if you guys follow me? Like, no. They'll come get you. Make humanity great again. Oh, I are not running. Like, what if you guys follow me? Like, no. They'll come get you.

Make humanity great again. Oh, I love his hat. Blue hat. Make humanity great again. You got to go blue, right? Because he's got the red and you can't even wear a red hat today. Someone had a Supreme hat on. It was Schaub.

He had a red hat that said Supreme in white letters. People are like, you should probably take that hat off. Bob, he had a red hat that said Supreme in white letters. People were like, you should probably take that hat off. Did you see Curb Your Enthusiasm this season? No, I didn't. There's one where he wears a hat just to have people leave him alone, and he fucking loves it.

He just walks around L.A. Everybody treats him like a pariah. That's hilarious. Those are my picks. If you're bunkered down looking for shit to watch on TV, Curb's new season is great. Ozark is fucking great. Ozark's great. Just got through episode one of the new season.

That's one of my favorite shows, though. Yeah, I love it. Outsider, excuse me, on HBO is very good, too. Outsider's great. What else is good? My Brilliant Friend on HBO. What is that? That's what I was telling you about, the Italian one based on the books.

That's really good. There's a new Better Call Saul. I haven't seen it yet, but it's all loaded up on the DVR. That just finished. There's plenty of shit to watch. Plenty of good shit, everybody. That's what's interesting about this time. It's like you're going to actually have time to watch shit.

I know. I always pictured like, oh, God, I wish I could just break my leg so I could lay in bed and catch up on this series. And it's like, that's happening. Yep. It's happening for everybody. Yeah, man. I mean, I like to be optimistic. I want to think that we're going to come through this better and we're going to come to this a little bit more compassionate and understanding

what it's like to be a person that this is a we have a vulnerable existence that's what i want right my fear is that there's going to be so much economic disparity so many people out of work so much crime that it's going to be a bunch of people that don't feel like they're being looked out for and then there'll be a further divide yeah between the haves and have-nots in this country which is what you know one of the reasons why i like people like bernie sanders whether or not you're he's right or wrong about whether or not he can enact any of those economic possibilities that he's talking about, whether or not any of that stuff actually works. At least the guy running the show has always been about helping the working people, making

sure people have health care, making sure your education is covered. Just those thoughts alone, like for the strength of our community and taking into consideration what we're going through right now, when you realize what's actually important. What's actually important is that everybody's going to be okay. Whoever's okay, make sure they're okay. Get them resources. Help where you can. When we think of ourselves in our neighborhood, you think of your neighborhood, your neighbors need some help, you want to help, right? Especially at a time like this. That should be our approach to the whole country, right? We just have to expand how we feel in a neighborhood, in a crisis. Expand that to the whole country. Yeah. Right? We just have to expand how we feel in a neighborhood in a crisis.

Expand that to the whole country. Maybe we can have a little bit of a shift here in the way we look at each other. This is real possible that maybe everybody can do their part. And then the people that are not doing their part, the people that are fucking shitty, when they get served on internet videos, people are enjoying the shit out of it. You know, they're enjoying it. There was some guy who spit on, like he spit on some oranges or something. Did you see that?

Yeah. And some guy smashed him. Everyone's sending that to everybody. Like, yeah, fuck you, man. Well, that's the thing. It's like this partisanship, it's so hard to see, you know, what it probably started with Reagan and it's gone since then, where the left and the right are just at each other and there's no one reality anymore. And the things that brings people together is a war, a crisis, where suddenly you see that we are all in the same country. We're all on the same side, the humane side.

And hopefully that's what comes out of this. That's well said, and I hope you're right. Greg Fitzsimmons, ladies and gentlemen, episode 20? Episode 20 on the Joe Rogan Experience. That's a lot of episodes, dude. We talked a lot of shit over the years. Yeah, it's been great. Thanks for having me on so often. Let's play some pool, motherfucker. Let's play some pool, dude.

All right, friends, we'll be be back much love to you all bye