The Joe Rogan Experience - #146 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: October 13, 2011

Joe sits down with Ari Shaffir.

I'll tell you what, folks, maybe I'm in this shit for results, placebo or not, I'm in this shit for results. Give me a hologram cock ring and let me think that this shit makes my dick work better, and it probably will make my dick work better. Placebo? Just like everybody else. We're fucking dumb. Did I tell you about the study on placebos? You you did and that's one of the reasons why i brought that up

should we just say yeah yeah yeah it's brilliant it's a bro tell me tell me they did a study i heard on npr so you know it's real um they did a study on uh on just placebo effects per se so they gave people what they told them was a placebo. They were in the control group for a low blood pressure heart medication. Something like that. But they told them, we're only giving you a placebo. And it still affected our blood pressure. It went down in the people. Noticeably.

Yeah. Like measurably. They think that it has something to do with just concentrating on whatever it is. A ritualistic thing. I'm concentrating on it every day one of the ladies in the study after it ended, she was like, that's great but I need more of that, my blood pressure is lower don't drop me, I want lower blood pressure

and she couldn't get placebos at Rite Aid that's so crazy how weird is the human brain what the hell is going on just some sort of regularity helps you i don't know yeah thinking about all the time well there's a dude who's gonna come on the podcast and talk about his name is bruce lipton and he wrote a book uh on that very subject really

yeah yeah he um he wrote it's called the biology of belief and i ran into his uh i believe it's his cousin at one of the shows and the guy gave me the book and and then he contacted me uh on twitter and he's going to come on and explain it to us and he's a scientist so he'll you know be able to break i believe he's a scientist he'll be able to break it down and explain exactly you know what the fuck they believe is going on in like regular terms brain yeah in terms that you know understandable that you and i will be able to grab the reasonably educated people will be able to grab but the idea is really strange you know yeah you can fool yourself into having a real effect it's so bizarre

that we somehow or another have little triggers in our body that we don't know how to push it's like hero stuff yeah yeah yeah yeah like when someone gets caught under a car yeah why can all of a sudden you throw that fucking car off person but by the way they can man people can do crazy shit well they say that's because of release of adrenaline yeah i guess i guess yeah it's also you know a lot of what you can't lift is because you're not willing to tolerate the pain you know when're trying to pick up something really heavy, it's very painful. Your body's sending you a lot of signals. And most of those signals are, listen, this is not a good thing to do.

Okay, let's stop. This is heavy. What the fuck? This hurts. Okay, we're going to drop this. I'm telling you right now, we're going to drop this. But when your baby's trapped under your car, all those don't make it there. The only thing is save the baby. Now we're going to drop this. But when your baby's trapped under your car, all those don't make it there. Yeah, you're like, fuck it.

The only thing is save the baby. And your body just goes into full crazy gorilla mode. We tried to lift the car off train tracks at Bridgetown, at the Portland Bridgetown Comedy Festival this year. Really? To see if you could do it? We took a wrong turn. Oh, no.

And you got stuck on the tracks? And he went for it. And he just started skidding. Because it looks like you can drive over the stone the stone part you know right outside the tracks but that drops down so you just start sliding wow the wheels make no connections so we had like 12 comics try to lift this car off the tracks we could back it up we couldn't do it dude we couldn't even get close we took like one tire up we're all such pussies i can't imagine some lady picking a car up off her kid. I want to see it.

Why is there an episode? Well, there's probably a video on YouTube or something. Oh, God. I wouldn't be able to watch it. Would you be able to watch that? What? Watch some woman try to pick a baby up? That would be way too emotional for me.

If there is that video, Powerade should sponsor it. Powerade? You think that would work? Yeah. That would help you rehydrate after lifting a baby or a car off a baby? Yeah. Like, tired? Well, it would give you special strength.

It is weird how some people just have way more physical strength than others. It's so clear that we're in some weird phase. You know, like, very few animals, I think, vary in size and shape as much as people do the only thing that's close i think is dogs dogs are pretty yeah yeah and you know by the way they don't know where the fuck dogs come from really they don't have a goddamn clue this is one of the things they found out when they mapped the genome of the dog they thought that it was going to be wolves and a bunch of different wild canids and coyotes and all this different shit no no no no it's all wolves it's

all wolves all wolf so that what they just bred it just like they breed them now they don't have a fucking clue no one has ever been able to go from wolf to chihuahua ever all right no one's ever documented hey i'm going to take this wolf and turn it into chihuahua it's one of those things we accept that we don't understand it it It's been around for so long. It's clearly genetic manipulation. Because they had dogs in Egypt, right? Yes. They had cats. We know they had cats. I think they had dogs, but there's no indication of whether or not they had the variation

of dogs that we have today. We have a weird variation of little tiny things that are useless. I mean, cute pets and shit, but big ones that are guard dogs, work dogs, dogs for hunting. There's so many distinctions. You ever go to Arizona and just see the wild dogs? Really?

That's scary. That's scary shit. Yeah, they don't really attack people that I've seen. They're just sort of like there. There was a story in Georgia a few years back about some wild dogs that killed a man. Really? Yeah. They shouldn't do that.

Well, they get to packs, and then they all grow up generation after generation in the woods. All you need is a couple generations, and you're dealing with a fucking killer animal out there. That's a scary fucking thing. If they take out a deer, why wouldn't they take out you? Yeah. You're alone by yourself, and there's like 30 of them, and that's how they're traveling. Oh, I finally saw Grizzly Man. Oh, you finally saw Grizzly Man.

And that's the same feeling I got. I was like, dude, if they're eating their young for food wouldn't you make the connection dude he was like also you that was the most ridiculous guy ever it's great i don't understand how he couldn't see that where he's like oh they're eating themselves well they're so hungry he was just so gay that he was just running away from it he was running away from the gayness to the point where he decided to live alone in the woods with monsters big giant ridiculous they're like rats like giant rats that's what a bear is calm and peaceful they're standing right next to him and then they just dude how about the video where he had one bear who had his back up against a tree he was like

scratching his back yeah so he's standing full up and scratching his back. And he's like fucking 12 feet tall. And could you imagine this asshole is just sleeping in the bushes with a piece of fabric over his head. But he did it for years and years. Wow. Yeah, but what he fucked up is he stayed too long. He stayed to the point where they were super, super desperate. Those fall bears.

Why do you think he stayed longer this time? He's suicide by bear. You think so? For sure. Yeah, he was massively depressed. That guy was crazy. If you see how he gets in front of the camera and starts screaming, and the fucking government doesn't want to fucking save these bears,

that guy's manic. You think he was trying to commit suicide? Yeah, in a sense, yeah. He went back when he had nothing else. That guy's manic. You think he was trying to commit suicide? Yeah, in a sense. Yeah. He went back when he had nothing else. That's when he went back. He went back to Alaska, to that area. He went every year, right?

Bear Alley. Yeah, but he didn't go back this late. He went back in late October, end of November. That's when the bears are going to sleep. And so the only bears that are up are the bears that were unsuccessful. And the ones he didn't know. They're the old ones. They're dying. And that are up are the bears that were unsuccessful. And the ones he didn't know. They're the old ones. They're dying.

And that's what happens, man. They die. And we don't, we very, very rarely find bear bones. It's really kind of interesting. You know, bears are massive animals.

Yeah, they show that. Only that skull survived when they ate one of the babies. Only just this bear skull. Yeah. Completely white. And they'll probably eat that later.

Yeah. And it wasn't killed more than a few days ago. It wasn't rot. Well, they eat their bones. They eat their bodies. The bear that killed this guy, they shot it and killed it. And they came back two weeks later

and there was just a few bones. Just a few bones scattered around. It found rib bones. They eat most of the bones. They eat most of everything. They're bears, man. where the rib bone was. They eat most of the bones. They eat most of everything. They're chicken at Hardee's. Well, they're bears, man. Bears are big fucking animals. I don't think we

can even wrap our heads around what that is. It's a big eating machine. And people just sleep near them. When those two bears are fighting and the one shit himself. Yeah, how crazy was that? That was such great footage. That was amazing footage. Amazing footage. No one else would be that crazy. Wow.

Right there. And they're really trying to kill each other. Oh, yeah. It's an amazing fight, what Ari's talking about, between these two bears on this beach, right? It was near the shore of a lake or something like that, or in a field. Yeah, like an inlet or something like that. Yeah.

There's water right there. What a scene. I mean, what an epic scene. Going at it? Yeah. And trying to bite each other. It looked like to death. To death, yeah, for sure. They're trying to grab each other in the eye and ear. Oh, they're trying to bite each other it looks like to death to death yeah for sure

really grab each other in the eye and ear yeah oh they're trying to fuck each other up yeah it's over who gets to fuck yeah I guess so

that's what it is man that's how they decide that's how they decide who gets to fuck that's why I don't participate in that at bars when I see another guy get involved with the chick

I'm hitting on I'm like I'm out I'll see you guys later smart I'm just like I don't want to deal with this that's a healthy way of living things

yeah for a chance goodnight yeah and then dudes will get douchey with you I'll see you guys later. Smart. I'm just like, I don't want to deal with this. That's a healthy way of living things. For a chance. Good night. Yeah, and then dudes will get douchey with you. Yeah. You're like, whoa, settle down, man. I don't even know you. You're not even. We're supposed to all be, you know, men out here having fun.

You're not really angry at me. Why are you snapping? Yeah, you're really turning on me like that. You're the problem, dude. You know, if the world was filled with cool people, partying would be the shit. the problem, dude. If the world was filled with cool people, partying would be the shit. If the world was filled with people who could hold their liquor,

keep their weed under wraps, and when you went out, everybody was cool and everybody was friendly to everybody and you didn't have to worry. That'd be way better. But no. It's those fucking few douchebags. What, you like this fucking queer? Not me. This fucking

Jew. Has anybody ever called you a fucking jew oh yeah angrily i don't know about angrily but online yeah oh online yeah last night was these two guys came up to me the store and they're like oh we're fans here some of the rogan podcast and your podcast stuff and i was like oh thanks and and don bears just sneering like his body just like they're like, what's the matter? He goes, you know you're talking to a Jew, right? Are you familiar? Did he warn you?

Did he give you ample opportunity to get away? Oh, dude. I just started laughing. I was in the parking lot in West Hills, of all places. And I go to the parking lot. There's a truck there with these white skulls on it. And I look at it, and there's some shit written in gothic letter. And it says, white power.

What? White power. This guy just had this on his car. Was it a movie set? Wow. Dude, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was just out. That's such commitment, just doing it out.

Yep. It was on the back windows of his truck. It said, white power. And I was like, whoa like whoa dude it's funny though living in the city because there is movie prop cars i see all the time because i live in burbank i saw like an action news car the other i'm like whoa that's a that's a really cheesy news van and it was just from the new scream movie or something fake news vans yeah We're the news. Action news.

They pull up with a satellite on the roof and shit. It's funny. All those action news people. If you watch any of those action news people or any of those E! Entertainment people, they're just interchangeable to me. Oh, yeah. They're just a delivery device. They're not interchangeable to me. Oh, yeah. They're just this... Doesn't really matter. They're a delivery device. They're not even a human being. I'll turn it on every once in a while, and I'll see a new girl.

I'm like, oh, she's pretty. And then here we come. Yeah. Brad Pitt says Jennifer Aniston and him still remain friends after all these years. And it's the same human being. They're just really low-frequency projection devices that are disguised as human beings. And they're the same person. Didn't they hire that rock band guy once?

Yes, Mark McGuire. No, no. Yeah, no, the guy from... Mark McGrath. Mark McGrath. Mark McGrath. Joe knows so little about sports. He goes, I'm pretty sure I'm right.

That guy, yeah, he was doing that. And now he hosts a terrible fucking song show where they have to guess the lyrics. Oh, it's the worst. It's weird. He's weird. He's weird because I'm like, this guy's a fucking rock star. Yeah. Like, why are you doing what I do, dude?

Why are you in my lowly hosting genre? You're a fucking rock star. He was Sugar Ray, you know? Like, god damn, man, that band was badass. That I Just Wanna Fly song? Everyone loved like god damn man that band was badass that i just want a fly song everyone loved it that song that was the song in the summer hit that's a jamming song man whenever and every time i hear that song i mean i don't know too much of their other music but anytime i hear that song that was one big hit i feel like just telling them listen if you can do that once for that song you can do more of that.

Please do more of that. That song was awesome. Why are you hosting these shows, man? He must have had a couple hits, right? It's probably being on the road. We wouldn't all remember the name Sugar Ray if it was just one. I don't know, man. I think for a lot of people, sometimes it's just a different opportunity to make money.

You don't have to rely on other people. Also, it's like, fuck it. He doesn't make his music anyway right now. It might be he doesn't want to rely on the rest of the people in the band. Sometimes his band just can't keep it together. Even Keith Richards and Mick Jagger had ego problems. Keith Richards talked shit about Mick Jagger in his book. Really?

Dude. You guys have been boys for 70 years. You've got to talk shit in your shitty book? What the fuck son you know be honest like screech that's what he said i ruined it for gang bangs on on fucking sets all over the world screech ruined it with his big mouth you're gonna be out there yapping about these gang bangs now you know dudes like mario lopez can't get his freak on anymore you know let a dude get his freak on.

Why you got to hate, Screech? Yeah, exactly. You fucking weak-ass bitch. That Sugar Ray guy's come into the comedy store a few times. Is he cool? He's a cool audience member. Sits there and laughs, doesn't call attention to himself. Do you really want to fly the whole time?

I've heard him on Stern before. He's a cool dude, for sure. That's why I don't get it. Why are you doing what I could do? You're a rock star son Does he have a family He might have a family It might be something Just like

Hey look I'd rather just fucking Do this Yeah I think for a lot of people too Like I said It's hard to work With a group of people

Hosting is really easy A game show too You can whip out a couple In a day It's easy as fuck It's so easy It's stealing That's what Eliza's doing

She does this show Called Exposed And there's They play That's what Eliza's doing. She does this show called Exposed. And they play two a day. Really? I recorded it on my DVR and it was like 30. We got to get her back. We keep getting accused of not having girls. I just saw her the other day.

Destroy. Destroy. She's hilarious. You also get accused of not having retards because it's the same difference. Oh, show. By the way. No, we didn't. Speaking of that. Don't you do

it again, Shafir. I was at Walmart and Walmart has those t-shirt sections where it's like the cool kid t-shirts, like it's Elmo, it's like Angry Birds, it's like for people, like, you know, cool people to buy, right? Where was this? Walmart. Walmart, yes. And so this is really weird that they do this. Ironic, right? Yeah. They have

special Olympic shirts now in the middle and i almost bought one but i was like that's rude because i would be wearing that as a joke and i'm like wait a second this is in walmart wait a second this is supposed to be a joke that's fucked up whoa so yeah go to your walmart and buy them quick take photos of it yeah if someone's gonna find out about that this could get ugly I bought one of those I'm leaving As soon as we get off the air here

I know I'm running to Walmart Me too Get them before they pull up I need to get that Just to bring it I need to wear it on the show We need to all wear it next show

Yes Alright we're gonna We're gonna take them all I'll send a picture I can't believe Walmart How dare you Yeah

I'm saying it right now How dare you Fucking weirdos I'm okay with it. Yeah? Yeah, I think it's funny. You know, it used to be okay to say retard. I'm a little upset that you can't say retard anymore without people thinking that you're brutally insensitive.

I mean, has our society really truly evolved or are there just these hot-button words now that people choose to act on? Because when you're calling someone a retard, I'm not saying you you have down syndrome i'm not saying you have a disease you have down syndrome i'm saying you're retarded you're you're fucking slow you know to retard is to slow down you know what i heard recently what um they just changed in new york they changed at starbucks they changed the uh gender biased bathrooms to have male and female is whatever the word is. Rude. It's rude? Whatever. It's segregating. Not segregating. Whatever. It's mean to transgender people. Yeah, because women are

disgusting. Their bathrooms are 50 times worse than guys' bathrooms. I don't understand that. So we should be able to all shit right next to each other and guys can lick girls' seats? Well, their idea was they're all single stalls anyway. Just make them bathrooms. Who cares? Hmm. I think because women don't like the idea of dirty fucking men sitting there stinky fat asses women's they're hairy asses down on the seats that they're gonna we don't have the trash little petite shaved butt on little pink and peach like beautiful starbucks pizza clean you

can get unlucky dude you could totally roll snake eyes and walk in a starbucks fucking shit catastrophe a shit splatter catastrophe you know you're adding in coffee with you know people that are eating like fucking cupcakes and shit that's just like lightning rods that's like lighting a fuse inside your asshole have you ever been to that one starbucks where the toilet's just like that floppy handle? Oh, come on. This is Starbucks. Yeah, it won't catch and you've got to lift

the lid up if it's one of those. Those are dangerous though in public restaurants. If you actually lift the lid off yourself. People do the upper decker where they shit in the upper part of the toilet. Who would do that? Assholes. People I grew up with.

Everybody in Boston. They save it just for those moments? It's not a fucking goof. Come on, man. Listen, when it's really cold, you need some shit to do. You get bored. Reap said he took a shit in a coffee mug and put it on top of a, what was it? A gas thing.

A gas station yeah and you just sit across the street and look at people all day long just stare at them pretending that's awesome you know why it's funny because reep is a nice guy and we like him but it's also funny whenever someone shits on something it's just funny i was fucking i was watching this occupy wall street thing and this guy's shitting on a police car. But the way he's doing it is so ineffective. Oh, yeah. Because it's smearing all over his own legs.

Leaning back. I mean, he's squeezing his ass on this police car, and he's shitting all over himself. And I'm like, this is the worst way to do that ever. No, you're supposed to get on top and shit down on it. I read the headline before I clicked, and I'm like, I already pictured to get on top. And shit down on it. I read the headline before I clicked. I already pictured it in my head. Oh, he's probably shitting on the windshield. Or squatting on the hood.

A puma pose. And then I saw him leaning against it. I'm like, what are you doing? He's almost using the car as a douche. To hold it all in. Like a shitty douche. It's all getting explode around it. He's wiping his ass.

His shit and his ass all over the car. I would just have my girlfriend spit it out on the car. That guy must have stunk for a long time. See, that makes me nauseous. The smell of other people's shit is the only thing that gets me anymore. Really? Since my time on Fear Factor, puke doesn't make me nauseous. Like, I could be in a nightclub and someone will throw up right in front of me,

and I don't even flinch. You ate a bug the other day like one of the like e-entertainment people yeah yeah yeah I said dude this is just protein if we were living in you know 10,000 years ago this would be something you would be happy to eat I almost barfed thinking about that video on your phone

really? just thinking about it the video on my phone we can't talk about though someday we will someday we will ladies and gentlemen. But right now, due to contractual obligations that I have with Fear Factor, we have to keep some shit under wraps. When that gets on the air, dude, there's a bunch of shit that we did this season

that was so way more over the top than anything we ever did before. We were just sitting there, standing there, shaking each other's heads like, what the fuck are we doing? You should have seen sal's face i showed sal that video the owner of sal's comedy club and he just sat there like he saw a cum ghost a cum ghost yeah like a ghost made up something um the bug was nothing it didn't taste bad at all once you know it's okay what kind of bug was it it was a um an african cave dwelling spider it's terrifying that's one of those ones with the tons of crazy long claws yeah it's basically a giant alive crab big show it next to your fist how big well when it's spread out it's

about that big and what you do smush it up yeah i grabbed that bitch by the center and just stuff it in killed it right away smashed it up you didn't just bite the legs off. Oh, I smashed that motherfucker quick. I smashed him up quick. But it's a lot of chewing. But it didn't really taste that bad. And I knew that humans... You knew it's been okay. It's been okay.

This won't hurt me. Yeah. People have been eating those things forever. Humans have been eating bugs forever. Did it taste good in any way? No. Could you appreciate it as a taste? It's not bad.

It's not bad. I could, look, those giant Madagascar hissing cockroaches, I had one of those on the show, too. And there's a lot that's gross in eating those things, but it's also a good form of protein. If you're really starving to death, you would totally eat that.

I think the grossest ones are those big green, what is it, garden... Tomato hornworms? Oh, those. I ate one of those, too. Did it just explode in your mouth was it like just pouring out it was gross it was really hard to drink really hard what did that taste like that was real bitter and it tasted like you shouldn't be eating it like like nature's trying to warn you which i always assume they are i mean i'm not i'm not into acquiring any tastes

if i don't like it initially i don't like it initially, I don't like it. You know, like caviar was always a weird one to me. Like, it's an acquired taste. Do you like it? Oh, it's acquired. Like, what does that mean? You're going to spend like $5,000 for something that's acquired? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Yeah, you're going to force yourself. It's more expensive, but I'm getting into this. To enjoy some stupid eggs. But some weird ritualistic thing almost. It's like, you know, you're getting the eggs of this animal that's very rare. Look, you get to crush its babies before they ever have a chance. Would you like it on your cracker? Did I tell you why I'm fishing with David Taylor in Alaska?

And we cut open one of the fishes and all these egg things in there. And David's like, what's this? And the guy's like, eggs. And he's like, is that caviar? Can I eat it? And this guy's like, yeah, I mean, if what's this and the guy's like eggs and he's like is that caviar can i eat it and this guy's like yeah i mean if you want david just started eating more and more of it wow every time we caught a pregnant salmon he would just eat more and more of it until eventually he was like oh i have to throw up now he was so nauseous from eating all that salmon you're not supposed to eat fucking a pound of warm salmon eggs you're not

i don't think so what happens when you do you barf of actually on the open sea wow yeah then we grilled on the beat on the on the boat it was so funny he's like i can't i can't look at food what was he thinking you think he was just eating it because it was caviar not that it was good or yeah he was like oh it's free i should get this as much as i can right now yeah fresh fresh is he german that guy he's come from german descent yeah or english i think he's english i think there's an issue with salmon. You have to be careful with salmon. You're not even really supposed to eat sushi if you talk to some quote-unquote experts. Yeah, that's fresh water, especially salmon.

Because salmon has a potential for parasites. It's not likely, but it's got a potential. You don't know. Most of the farm-raised stuff just i have an issue in my head with farm raised this was salt water yeah those are they taste better man wild you know when you this is where it weirds me out farm raised is like pink yeah and you know when they put it in the store they dye that shit they dye it pink they dye it to make it look like a healthy wild salmon but it literally becomes such a bitch.

And the only way I know. Its skin gets like white. It loses its soul. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? The color drops out of it and it tastes worse. Yeah, it tastes worse. Wow.

It's not worthy. It's not as worthy to catch. That goes along with my theory that things that can get away real quick are better for you. That's why fish is so good for you. It's so fucking hard to catch. You know, deer. De is so good for you. It's so fucking hard to catch. You know, deer. Deer is great for you. It's so hard to catch. Look how hard they are. They're so quick. What they have

is so good that they run away real fast. It's so good that they develop nature gave them a chance. And that chance is you get to be faster than the people so that they can't, you know, go and eat you. I think it's being able to be out and not being depressed. The cows run.

Because farm-raised cows taste better than grain-fed cows, right? Yes, they do. Well, it's a different taste. Because they can sort of be out. Yeah. I buy grass-fed beef whenever I can, and it's a different taste.

It's like a game animal almost. It's really weird. I'm kind of exaggerating, but it's different. It's different it's way way way leaner so you have to be real careful when you cook it you can't cook it for very long you can't overcook it if you overcook it it'll be really dry on the grass fed it's delicious well he's a crossfit fanatic yeah eddie if our buddy is like in crazy shape he's always like trying to get me to squeeze his shoulders and shit it's like dude i'm fucking crossfit and talking about his deadlifts and feel my fucking shoulders when those people do that

it's the same as pretty much you're telling me about your fantasy football team well you know no for me i totally see what it's at what he's coming from i mean people like think that it's kind of um you know it's kind of there's kind of something a gross thing about worrying about what your body looks like and being really into your body. There's something gross about it. It's a little vain. Yeah, it is a little vain. But I get it. But that said, isn't it more fun to have what's essentially a super body?

Yeah. Isn't it more fun to have a body that can do all kinds of crazy shit that a regular body can't do? Yeah. all kinds of crazy shit that a regular body can't do. So when Eddie's in there deadlifting and shit and putting these big lifts in and doing these crazy kettlebell workouts and shit, you just start feeling like, wow, I feel fucking vibrant. My body feels good like this.

I love the fact that you can go in there and have a ferocious workout and feel fantastic afterwards. You know? Yeah. So it just, you know, it just gets in. It's a lot of work. and have a ferocious workout and feel fantastic afterwards. You know? So it just, you know, it just gets in. It's a lot of work. It is a lot of work, dude. It is a lot of work.

It's a good feeling. I wish I could just get that. They just opened this gym up that I've been going to once in a while. Curves? Curves for women. And they let me go in there if I tuck it. But it's right next to this fast food place I go to. All the beefy guys come in there.

What's so weird is this one guy came in there. You looked at him and you're like, that is amazing. His structure, he looks like a real G.I. Joe guy. That looks like a G.I. Joe guy. Then he got his food and he was getting salsa from the salsa bar. He was putting it in his bag and he folded the bag down so angry. Or not angry, but

it had to be folded like all the lines had to be perfectly... Like anally? Anally, yeah. Like all the lines had to be straight and stuff like that. And then this guy goes, oh, here's one more something like that. And he just got this mad look like he was unfolding it, having to put it in there. And it was like we were both looking at it going, wow, that guy's

going to murder somebody. Every day must do 1,000 chin-ups. One. Two. My friend Masai in college, this Ethiopian guy, used to work out and at the top of his lifts would go, I'm going to fuck somebody up.

Really? I'm going to fuck somebody up really fuck somebody he liked getting into bar fights he loved doing it wow yeah that's what kept him going damn did you see that he liked getting in the bus so he would pick fights with people yeah he'd start shit not hard like you would have to fight back but yeah have you talked about the steroids documentary uh bigger stronger faster smellier so have you seen it so no you know i never watched that i watched like little clips it. I actually own it on DVD, but I never bothered watching it. It's not bad. It's pretty interesting.

What I didn't know, though, is... Also, they show those cows on there. The steroid cows, which are amazing. Yeah, it's not really a steroid cow. There's this thing that happens to certain cows where it's a myostatin inhibitor, and it goes wrong. And and it goes wrong.

And when it goes wrong, they grow like three times the regular size of muscle. Is that from what? Testing? No, it's just from breeding. Somehow or another, they're genetics. Oh, I've seen those. Those gigantic cows. Yes. That are like three times the size of a person.

And have you ever seen the dogs too? There's a whippet. It happens to, but specifically to whippets for some reason it's so quick whippets a very slight dog a very like fast no it's fairly big but i mean it's not a tiny dog but tall but it's yeah it's a thin dog but these whippets that have this myostatin inhibitor issue are fucking swole really like captain america like the hulk really like. Like you would swear it's photoshopped. Wow. There's photos of them online.

I'll find one for you just because you need to peek at it. I know. It's just the weirdest fucking thing. How do you spell whippets? The way I used to do them, they were W-H-I-P-P-E. Oh, yeah. The two P's? P-P?

Maybe. Yeah. Did you have a really good cracker or did you you always buy, like, the cheap plastic ones? Whatever Skippy Simon got, that's what I used. I got, like, this nice chrome one from Wally. Oh, yeah, yeah, the chrome ones. Yeah, yeah, they used to sell them on Santa Monica Boulevard. Come here, Ari.

Take a look at this real quick. You just have to see this, because it doesn't even seem real. Look at his eyes. Oh! That looks like a famous actor. Incredible. Whoa! Isn't that incredible?

For folks who don't know what this is, just look up Whippets, W-I-P-P, I think it's P-P-T-T-E-S, whatever it was. Look up Whippets. You'll find it. It's dummy proof, the internet these days. It'll offer you suggestions.

I'll try to put it on the Instagram. But Whippets on steroids, if you look at it, you'll find this poor dog with this defect that comes from... For some reason it happens more commonly with whippets i read it explained but i don't remember the explanation but essentially this myostatin inhibitor issue just gives them this incredible amount of muscle like it the dog looks like something out of a cartoon it looks like something out of um did you see looks like something out of... Did you see The Hulk?

No, I never saw it. The fucking one with Eric Bana was the shit with Nick Nolte. And the dogs, they had these crazy dogs that were infected with the Hulk serum. The dogs would turn into Hulk dogs. Oh, no. When they got mad? Yeah, the dogs would get mad. And they would become Hulk dogs.

And they were fucking ridiculously awesome. And the Hulk dogs and the Hulk got in a fight. It was fucking epic. Wow. Dude, it was awesome. Epic moment in 3D special effects. Really? Yeah.

When they were regular dogs, were they cool? Were they fun? No, they knew what was up. They were working for the bad guy, bro. They were working for the bad guy. They were controlled. He jacked them with the Hulk serum and fucking... See, that's not real.

If it was, you could jack them with the Hulk serum and fucking see that's not real if it was you could jack them with the Hulk serum they would just be mayhem they wouldn't know how to attack for you unless you were trained killer dogs already but why would the dog listen to you once it becomes the Hulk yeah it would just do whatever it wants fuck am I listening to you stupid it would just do mayhem

I'm the Hulk dog yeah it would just bark and you would go flying across the room just from the bark like the transformers would do that the evil transformers would do that yeah just to create havoc but no two dogs they try so hard with the hulk movie that they just redo it with different people hey the the hulk head is for sale right now by the way yeah and they're selling all these like real props like uh the

iron man like vest and stuff like that and one of the things was the hulk head i tap out way before really i'm not that geeky no yeah but they were like saying that price is like so far prices have been around the thousands like one thousand two thousand dollars i'm like wow can you imagine coming in and going to your living room having this glass case with the hulk head just sitting there going like that'd be badass that would be pretty badass the original hulk what's his name? Lou Ferrigno? Is this from that one?

No, I think it's from the first movie. Is it something they animated? What is it? I don't know, I'll show you. Did I tell you when Lou Ferrigno told me to stop smoking? He told you? Yeah, I took acting class with his wife once a long time ago,

and we were all standing outside waiting around during time ago. And we were all standing outside, just waiting around during a break. So we were all smoking. And he was sitting in the car waiting for her to come out. And he's like, hey, you shouldn't smoke. And I was like, yeah, I know. It's bad for me, I know. And then I turned back around to my friend. And then I turned back around to see him after like a minute.

And he's still just staring at me. And he goes, I said you shouldn't smoke and i was like yes sir he made you put it out no he just said it more forcefully wow he just said it more serious and i was like i'm not taking a chance this guy's so big he's lou farigno yeah he was on the man show when i was hosting it really and uh i met him and i said hey lou i'm joe Thank you very much. Really an honor to meet you. I was always a huge fan ever since back in the pumping iron days. And he goes, oh thanks.

I'm really excited. Do you work out? Do you? That's what he said. Do you work out? I'm like, son, you don't see all this. Do I work out? Where the fuck you think this shit comes from, kid? You think I was born with this motherfucker right here Come on kid. What if you were born with it? You know such a horrible life be ridiculous

Yeah, just giant muscles in your arms like this mutant kids that you see once in a while This shit photos are like really muscular kids. It was just so surreal talking to Lou Ferrigno Yeah, you know when I'm talking about working out A lot of kettlebells. I like to do jiu-jitsu. What do you think about those kettlebells? Oh, don't do that, dude. What?

Make fun of the man. It's Lou Ferrigno, bro. I ain't making fun of Lou Ferrigno, kid. I love Lou Ferrigno. You're going to be at a Subway one day. Picking up my behind. You had to take it to the lowest common denominator, Ari. You went for the low-hanging fruit.

You didn't know anywhere around. I was trying to be on his side. These hulks don't talk, man. Did that hulk talk? No, actually, this was a hulk stand-in. Because it was CGI, I think that's what they used for the cameras and stuff like that. Let me see what it looks like. Does it look good?

It looks pretty creepy, man. You're not buying that thing. Don't buy that. What are you talking about, Ari? What are you, my dad? I'm going to buy it now. And it's on a stick, too. It's on TMZ.

Oh, son. No, I'm probably not going to buy it. Marvel's having all the action items. It's pretty dope. I'll tell you what I would buy. I would buy the head of the American werewolf in London. Oh, yeah, the original? Best werewolf of all time.

There's been a few werewolf movies that have been kind of fun over the years, but none can fuck with an American Werewolf in London. That movie rules. It looks so real. It looks so real. That movie rules. And it was a long-ass time ago, dude. They did that shit in the 80s.

That movie rocks. It looks so much better than the fake Star Wars stuff. Yeah. When that thing was in London, when it was fucking much better than the fake star wars stuff yeah when that thing was in london when it was fucking people up in the streets when it came out of the the dirty movie theater it kills everybody in the dirty movie theater oh yeah walking on the london streets like they showed just enough of it to scare the fuck out of you they didn't have to close up show the thing moving around because when you do, then people get used to it.

And they knew how to do it back then. The special effects were not nearly as sophisticated back then. Cujo scared me so bad that I walked 45 minutes out of my way once to get back home after seeing it. Instead of the seven minutes it would have taken to walk straight. Dogs are terrifying. Cujo should be scary. They knew how to... The American werewolf

in london people i guess it's john landis and whoever else was involved in john landis did that yeah yeah yeah whoever else was involved in creating the imagery behind it just such an awesome job the special effects guy was supposed to be some legendary special effects guy oh it's rick baker he's the man but he's also the guy who uh did last Wolfman with Benicio Del Toro, and I didn't like that special effects at all. I thought that was a silly choice. Really? What was it like?

They went with this Lone Chaney Jr. look from whoever the fuck the original Wolfman was. Is it Lone Chaney Jr.? I don't know. Who was the original Wolfman? Don Knotts. I think. I'm almost positive. I'm going to get you, see? I thought somebody liked Don Knotts. I think... I'm almost positive. I'm going to get you, see?

So what do you like, Don Knotts? You know what he said? I don't know. Oh, Claude Rains. Well, it says Claude Rains and Lon Chaney Jr. I'm not sure which one was the monster. I think it's Lon Chaney Jr. Yeah, and they went to look like him?

Yeah, my point is that movie was from 1941, man. And so what they did is like an updated version of it. Well, did it look real? No. Okay, so I don't mind if it looks like a thing. That's just a stylistic choice. But as long as it looks real

as that version of it. Well, their idea was they wanted it to be a real person instead of a CGI thing because they had this great actor. And when do you get an actor as good as Benicio del Toro to play a wolf man

so use him to embody the beast and then you'll do some cgi like his legs were cgi'd so they bet backwards like all dogs legs and shit like that which is really weird that he's walking upright on those but yeah it's a movie but the the real issue is the exact opposite of what you got from the american werewolf in london from the american werewolf in london from the american werewolf in london there was mystery there was like there's a scene where this guy gets killed in the london subway the shithead and he's kind of a shithead so you're kind of like a happy yeah he's a dickhead and he's just stumbling fuck and he's trying to hold on to his briefcase and so this thing's he's running and this thing's chasing him and he falls down on an escalator

and as he's going on this escalator up you see the thing at the bottom of the escalator and that ends the scene. And it's terrifying. You just know what's going to happen. It's terrifying. You don't have to see it kill him. It's terrifying. Because they just played it just enough where you don't even get to see it. He sees it and you can see it in his eyes and he runs.

And then you hear the thing in the background making this crazy noise and he's running and you can't see it he sees it and you can see it in his eyes and he runs and then you hear the thing in the background making this crazy noise and he's running and you can't see it and and then finally in the end of the scene you see it at the bottom of the stairs and that's all you need man that's all you need yeah they show that movie is the absolute perfect horror monster werewolf movie i gotta watch that again now it's the best and it's got got some humor in it. There's some pussy in there. He gets laid. Shazam! It's everything you want out of a movie. Werewolves. I forgot about that one. Hot English bitches. Holla at your boy. That's what, um...

I forgot what I was just saying. I don't know. But if I had a head, that's what I would buy. I wouldn't buy the Hulk head, but I'd buy the American Werewolf in London. I would buy Robocop, probably, or something like that. Something also from your childhood where you remember it. Or Star Wars. Anything Star Wars. Dude, this desk

is so fucking weird. Yeah, it's a little weird. It's just a mixture of the weirdest shit I've ever seen. Stevia and marijuana and knives. Dog tags. Weird reading glasses. Magnets and skulls. It's my Mayan skull.

Inca fucking belt buckle. Stanley Kubrick's Odyssey. The hidden secrets. It looks like what's buried with a mummy. What the fuck? This is just like a God, if they unburied, if they uncovered this 2,000 years ago, I'd be like, what was this place?

If this was like a pyramid and they came in here, we're like, wow, these treasures. These must be treasures. This is all a mixture of my message. Must have been a collector. Pile all this together and this is my message. Well, you know, if you look around my house, I collect like a lot of weird shit. Yeah.

I can see you buying that giant hood and putting it somewhere. I probably would. If you weren't here and if you didn't make fun of it, you might have saved me. Saved me from a ridiculous purchase. eBay does get me in trouble, though. Is that one of those things that's like five grand, too? Where somebody's going to make a huge purchase on something? Yeah, probably.

It's at two grand now. If it's on eBay, it'll probably jack up. The last day, they say, on eBay is where it really all goes down. People are like, I know when it's going. The last five seconds. Really? They have these things called eBay sniping, I think that's what it's called,

where it's like people, I think they're programs that automatically sit there and at the last second just throw in real fast math to try to beat it real quick. Wow. Dude, that kind of stuff kind of freaks me out.

Like little bots and little things that people incorporate on the web. What do you mean? So you can automatically beat bid at the last second? Anything like that, where people automate things. It's like, when you open up

the door for hoaxsters and for opportunists and coders and people who know how to tweak things. It's like, remember when you used to play online, if you ever used to play Quake online and people would get bots? Drink. Do you know what a bot is? Yeah, it's bullshit. used to play online if you ever just play quake online and people would get bots drink drink

well you know what a bot is yeah it's bullshit what a bot is is like sort of your point here's what it is yeah there's artificial intelligence involved in quake and they figured out a way to when they make the game it's a 3d first person shooter so you're running through all these crazy corridors and you see other characters in there and you shoot at each other right and you're looking at it through your own perspective yeah and when when when they make these uh these these video games you can have one of these artificial intelligence people and just insert them into the game and he just plays yeah well you can also have you could have it set up so where you never miss. You can have a bot that just knows,

see, it reads the code. And you don't want to play with people like that? Of course not. It's cheating. It reads the code and it knows absolutely exactly where your character is

at all times. So every time you press the launch button, you cannot miss. Right. So you're just killing people in like three seconds as soon as you see them.

And I've played with people like this online and it's like, it's really frustrating. It's like you're not playing a real person all right you're playing and and they're laughing at home like i'm doing it like doing what this is stupid obviously you're gonna beat me like this yeah i don't know what my point was i had a point oh what do you think of these bots that automatically bit on that kind of shit did it ruin quake never draw that train

back to the original nice dude never knuckles's very nice, dude. Never. Knuckles on that. Strong memory. Yeah, that was a very circuitous route we just took in this conversation. Yeah, exactly. My friend did that to me in college. It was early on, but he could automatically tell me to keep calling your phone over and over again, my dorm phone, so it would just fill up my voicemail. Why would he do that?

Just to be a dick. The problem is when you give people that power, it's like, all like all right it was funny once don't keep doing it for a fucking month you have to trust shitty pranksters yeah when you have comics for friends man yeah they're always it's like all right i got it i got it it was good and leave it alone have some code of ethics about your prank trying to fuck with people yeah i got some excellent footage of Brendan Walsh putting a girl's chaps on in Houston. I'm not sure he wants that shit on YouTube. Putting a girl's chaps? Yeah, but holla at him.

Brendan, B-R-E-N-D-O-N, Walsh on Twitter. And contact him and tell him, yo, release the info, dude. It's hilarious. He's in his underwear in a country western bar. He takes his pants off. Really? He's trying to put on the waitress's chaps. And I got video of him.

I'm interviewing him while this is going down. And he's pie-eyed drunk. Just pie-eyed. He's going to be in Ontario this weekend, right? Yes, yeah. He's going to be in the Ontario Improv this weekend with Joey and me. Where are you at, Ari,

this weekend? This weekend I'm here. You're here? You're in Hollywood? You're doing the story? My storyteller show is on next Thursday, actually. Storyteller show

next Thursday, the Improv? Yeah. What is that date? 20th. Powerful. I'm in town. I'll be there. Nice.

Just to lend support. What's the subject? Halloween stuff. I got no stories for you. You're on your own, bitch. I did live in a haunted house for a little bit. Really? Yeah.

Has it dared to win some will? It's on Scar Mountain. No. If you really believe in that shit, which I pretty much don't. Yeah, in haunted houses? No. Not really. I don't really.

My grandmother was supposedly psychic no i don't want i mean okay i'm good thanks my grandmother was supposedly psychic my she was a very very strange lady and um she she did know things she had this weird way of like she would tell you like she told my father just out of nowhere or my grandfather right she told him out of nowhere joe call your mother call your him out of nowhere, Joe, call your mother. Call your mother right now. And he was like doing some crossword puzzle. They were always like this is how they would talk to each other.

She would yell at him and he would go, all right, all right, all right. He goes to visit his mom and as he gets to his mom's house as she dies, he is there the moment she dies. As he walks in the door, he gets to see her last seconds of life and she says goodbye to him and moment she dies as he walks in the door he gets to see her last seconds of life and she says goodbye to him and then she dies and somehow or another my grandmother knew this it could have been just a crazy lucky guess

it could have been total bullshit she wanted him out of the house and she just got lucky scientifically who knows yeah and then she died the next day she did weird shit change the story over the years she she do weird shit like one time um she woke my mother up out of her bed and brought her downstairs and then five minutes later the roof collapsed over her bed and fucked her bed up whoa yeah there was weird shit like that well anyway they had a guy this is back back in. My grandparents lived in Newark, New Jersey.

And it started out an all-Italian neighborhood. And then it became an all-black neighborhood. Then it became an all-Puerto Rican neighborhood and Dominicans and all these other people moved in. And my grandparents, they stayed there forever. And at one point in time, they were renting the room out, apparently, to some dude. And the dude died. And they swore that this dude was still in the house.

His ghost? Yeah. And that was like where I was staying. I was staying in that same room. Did you ever see anything? I didn't see shit. I didn't see shit. I walked around with my dick in my hand like, what? I'm not scared of ghosts. Come blow me then, ghost. I'll piss on a ghost. Come blow me right now. You gonna scare me? Woo woo?

You're not even there. You're translucent, bro. I can go right through you. Spurn, dude. Stupid, stop bothering me. Ghosts never kill, huh? No, they don't do shit. You have to be a total pussy to be scared of a ghost. Those fucking ghost shows, too, drive me bananas.

They never find anything? There's nothing there, you fucks. Then explain these Geiger readings. Well, they have a fucking, like, they have a circle that they'll highlight on a screen. Look, at this moment, there's something appears for the dresser there's nothing behind the dress you asshole that's lit in your screen the fuck are you talking about camera from 1978 we're we are down in the basement and the readings are off the chart this is amazing they're all it's all night vision you see the night vision i don't hear that i don't hear that. I don't hear that. Do you hear that? I don't hear it.

One of the first threads I ever did on your message board was my sister, I think it was. She went to this haunted house, a famous haunted house in West Virginia, and they stayed at. And she took a photo using her camera. And one of the first things I ever posted on your forum was these photos. Because it actually had a person that looked like a ghost standing on the porch. And it was fucking creepy. And I've been trying to find that photo for so many years. I lost it.

It's not in your archive thing anymore. But the photo's a ghost now, too. Well, what do you think of... I can't believe I'm going to even ask you this. But do you know the orbs thing? Do you know about orbs? Yeah. No.

Okay. This is where it gets hilarious. There is apparently... Hold on, hold on, hold on. Before you start this, I just want to say, whenever I hear stories like this, I know in my brain how I can call it. I always like, all right, what's this story going to be about? And whatever these things are, orbs, we're so so awesome why am i just hearing about it now because you

know what it is you probably know it by something some other name you know what i mean like yeah whenever it's any story like that or like you know going into the light when you die or it's like whatever i want to hear it but well it's a it's a photographic artifact oh from mostly from digital photography. And what it is, it shows these little circular things that look like, it's probably dust in the air. It catches the flash and it creates

little orbs. But people are convinced that it's positive spirits. Oh, they're beings. And that the dust is positive spirits. And the more dust, I guess, you collect around you, these are like little fairies. So hoarders are like... What they believe is, some people believe that when you have all this positive energy,

that that positive energy actually manifests itself in these spheres, but that you cannot see it. It can only be viewed when it's photographed. Question. How do they know that they are positive fairies and not negative energy fairies? Because they say, if you talk to the people who really believe in it, Eddie Bravo, they say that it shows up when you have positive thoughts and positive energy. And I've seen some really compelling pictures. I've seen some really interesting pictures of people happy, smiling, and they're holding their hands up, and there's orbs all around their photo. But it also could be lent has there ever been a picture of somebody happy it's usually just dust it's reflection on dust and stuff but

there there's definitely a lot of weird shit that happens on photos that aren't that isn't dust but the problem is is that everyone's thinks anything it means it's a ghost it's gotta be alien gotta be a ghost like why does it have to be that speaking of which have you guys heard about this new photoshop thing that removes the blur how is that blur takes out you can enhance if you take a photo saying if it's like a blurry photo it can calculate where each image went wrong and how it all stretched out and it can turn it into an unblurry picture yeah yeah what it pretty much looks it looks at the the photo and does its math like how the blur is and it finds the path that like if you're holding the camera and you just infers what it would have been yeah like if you you're holding the camera you're taking a photo and it goes a little right yeah it can see that

in the camera by the blur like how the blur is and so it tries to reverse that and straighten it back together and it works really well one of my favorite things on the iphone is when you open up a picture and it opens up but it stays blurry for a second and you're like i can already see it let's see it better and then it goes and it gets all clear yeah i love it i love that feeling yeah it's amazing you guys should definitely upgrade to the cloud thing. It's nice. I can now look at every photo on my home computer right now. Really? It streams everything from your home computer.

Constantly streams it? Constantly. But does that mean if you lose your phone, someone's going to see all your dick pictures? No, because you have a password lock on it. By the way, I just found out about this program. I can't find it yet, and I can't remember the name, but there's this program that you can put on your iPhone that if somebody gets the passcode wrong,

it will automatically take a photo using the front camera. And so then if you lose it, then you can track it also using Google Maps, and you can play alarms, and you can have it recorded. What do you play that from, your computer at home? Like, bitch, I know you got my phone. Yeah, I can't remember the name of it. You play that stuff from your computer at home? Like you control it? From your computer? Like, bitch, I know you got my phone. Yeah, I can't remember the name of it. You play that stuff on your computer at home? Like you control it from a separate place?

Yeah, you control it from your mobile me account or whatever it is. Yeah, so it's in the iCloud. Wow, weird. I can't remember the name, though. It's like Slingshot or something. Somebody tweet that shit to us, please. I know you're out there. You owe weirders or hoarders of information that that

that um thing they had that video they had on the on the um voice control was incredibly amazing siri steve jobs siri yeah yeah it's the you know what what bugs me about it is that now people are going to be using that shit all day and telling them just having fucking conversations with their phone there's going to be all these robots talking everywhere. You're going to be in a coliseum and you're just going to hear like tons of robots. Tell me what's playing at the movies. Yeah.

You know, that's just going to happen. Yeah, they're just going to wander around talking to their... Call Margaret. I can't wait to fuck with it. It has higher ratings. I heard you could fuck with it and like ask it crazy questions like who made you are you can would you marry me and see that's where it'd be cool so you'll yeah apple if apple let people have like you know like do shit to it like you could do to like unix

or linux or something like that because then you could make like fuck mods right you can have some dirty bitch that gives you your text messages like oh you dirty bitch you know tell me what the fuck what kind of texts i got oh this is what i got first i got a message i'm gonna suck your dick real good since i see you baby yeah yeah how's my text looking i would make an ari shafir said and then she reads your text message she can say like dirty shit to you yeah oh you dirty boy yeah oh you want your message from? You want that, don't you, you little bitch? Thousands and thousands of programmed responses to various questions that possibly could come up. And you could just talk dirty to this bitch.

You could have a program. They should have an app where a girl, you can keep track of her cycle. And the way it'll show you where you are in her cycle is how much a guy can get away with not using a condom. Really? Yeah. So when she's closer to ovulating, it slips right in. Yeah, it's like full condom.

Maybe like three condoms on her, on the picture of the guy or something. And then she's like, whenever the time is when she's totally not fertile. Just so blast away. Condoms are the grossest things of all time. Really up there. So even, you know, they're necessary.

Don't get me wrong. But Jesus Christ. Stupid fucking rubber sword over your dick. God, that was a me wrong. But Jesus Christ. Stupid fucking rubber sword over your dick. It's ridiculous. Nonsense. We're so gross though. We give each other cooties through our dicks and pussies. Yeah.

I mean it's not just an issue of making people. Which is most certainly a fucking issue. Because there's a lot of people you fuck that you don't want to make people with. That's a dirty goddamn trick of nature that we need to fix pronto. Instead of trying to fucking get rid of the Fed, let's try to fix that. Let's try to fix this

fucking equals making people thing. How about that? How about we just fuck for fun and then if you want to make people, you have to... Yeah, we should be able to turn something off. I was really considering a vasectomy the other day like put like 10 minutes of serious thought into it you're crazy you don't want kids if you don't want kids that would be one of the worst things that could happen to me right now is i get someone pregnant well so why would it be

crazy to like cheaper to own a gun have you been joe you say that but you know what man it sounds crazy but if you had a chick that you were really into and you had a little Ari hanging around you, you would love it. You would fucking love it. You would love it in a way that I couldn't even describe to you. It just seems like a huge commitment and a huge time eater. You just got to meet the right guy. And what if it was a girl I just met and talked to?

That's the issue. It's annoying and it's not cool enough to get rid of it. I have several friends that have children with people they don't like. Blech. I know a bunch of people in that situation. And it's a sad situation. That's what I mean. That's the worst thing that could happen to me right now.

Yeah, but it doesn't mean that your relationship has to be like that. I wish there was a reversible way because that's the only negative. At some point I'll want to do this with somebody else. Well, I believe there is. I believe there's new technology that they attach a clip and it basically pinches off your really whatever where your dick sauce comes out like over a doritos bag and i don't know how it works but your body just sort of reabsorbs it you know so your loads are all just blanks oh i bet you must shoot like a gigantic thing of sperm the next time you when you open up the floodgates it must be super super they're all dead just pushing forth fucking armies of dead people like an indiana joe carpet oh what it's

carpet that's what your loads smell like for like a week or two you know how that smell when you first go into an apartment when they've just done painting and laying the carpet down like i like smells new smells like it should. It smells clean. It's such a crapshoot apartment living. It's always a crapshoot. We always had weird neighbors, man. Have you ever had an apartment where you had cool neighbors? Every now and then

you hear about somebody who's got some setup somewhere and there's a cool apartment building in a small place. And everybody's cool. I'm only friends with my next-door neighbors. Yeah. They both work at the store nearby me, too.

Oh, they both work at the store? Yeah. Oh, that's crazy. I smoke outside with one of them sometimes. So you got three people from the comedy store

and one little... No, no, no. They work at the... Oh, the corner store. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, the one right below you. Yeah, not the comedy store.

Yeah, no. You got a nice, convenient setup with that store right there, too. Is that store 24 hours? No, 2 a.m. Dude, those bitches. Yeah, not the Connery store. Yeah, no, you got a nice, convenient setup with that store right there, too. Is that store 24 hours? No, 2 a.m. Dude, those bitches. Yeah.

Weak-ass bitches. It's okay. Sometimes I've been up to a point, like, one time they open, please six. Never six. There used to be, one point in time, a 24-hour pool hall. Hollywood Billiards. It was a 24-hour pool hall in L.A., and it was awesome. I came here before the earthquake.

And it started closing at 2, and then it just closed completely? No, what happened, yeah, yeah, but 2, and then it just closed completely? No. What happened, yeah, yeah. But no, they moved. They moved from their location. Oh, that wasn't their original location? No, their original location was downstairs. I forget what street it was on.

But it was an awesome old seedy place. And I came down here to do some shit for MTV. Me and I did this little thing, this little... Rockin' Spring Break? No, it was like a little pilot thing we did. It was me and a couple different little thing this little rock and spring break no it's like a pilot thing we did it was me and a couple different people tried it with me and they just had me out here for a few days but one of the highlights of my trip was I got to go to that Hollywood billiards before it went under it was just badass when I went downstairs I was like oh sign me up this place is perfect I saw people arguing over how much to bet oh I saw I saw people playing money playing pool for money and it was like two o'clock in the morning and I saw some posers I saw people arguing over how much to bet I saw people playing money playing pool for money

and it was like 2 o'clock in the morning and I saw some posers I don't want to say posers people didn't really know how to play pool that well not posers, people just banging balls around so there was like regular people there was that actor from fuck what movie was he in

16 Candles was that the dude who, Michael Thomas? Oh, yeah. What is his name? Michael Hall. The one that was just in the news for attacking people? That guy. See Michael?

See Michael Hall. I saw him there. I also saw him at the Hollywood Athletic Club. That was another place they used to have. That was an awesome little pool hall that closed down. They used to be able to play pool at a bunch of different places. I like a stupid sport. It's dying.

It's dying right in front of me. Dying. And I won't accept it. Too much space. It's too fun. It's too fun to play. That's not why it's dying. Oh, that's why you won't accept it.

I won't accept it. They're crazy. It's very... Motherfuck you fucking mother. It's not mine. It's mine. It's my home phone. It doesn't do the cool party anymore.

Now I don't even care about it anymore. Stop that. Oh, the guesswork? Yeah, that's. Now I don't even care about it anymore. Stop that. Oh, the guesswork? Yeah, that's even better if you're going to have it ring. At least have a robot voice. Oh, yeah. Call from Joey Coco Games. I'll do a podcast.

I'll call you right back. Damon Taylor. Damon Taylor. I had to talk to that dude. You got a call from whoever? That was an important character. Really? Yeah, I forgot to tell him I couldn't do this I have to do a podcast

I had to talk to him real quick President? Was it the president? Was it Obama? Have you been following the latest news now On what Obama's killing us all Raping our children It's medical marijuana It's so pathetic

They're going after medical marijuana On an aggressive way. Hold on. I just want to know if this is the Attorney General or if it's Obama or if it's the state's attorneys. Is Obama saying, okay, go for it? The Obama administration changed its stance. And the stance was originally that they would only go after people who violated both state and federal law. What's that?

Your phone's off the hook. Phone's off the hook. Yeah, but the problem with state and federal law is the state law, I've seen parts of it, it says you can't operate for profit, which everyone sort of does. And it's just sort of like, what's for profit, what's not? Well, I don't think you're allowed to have profit, but you're definitely allowed to make money to actually pay for employees, I think, and things like that.

So I think if you do do it by the book, and not like some of these places that's also selling cocaine. No one gives all their money to the employees. They take some for themselves. That's why you run a business. I wish I believed them. I wish I believed that what they were really doing

was eradicating the evil people who were a part of this peaceful medical marijuana scene, scene peaceful and helpful medical marijuana scene and what we're going to do is just eradicate the the ones that are our problems right but if you really were caring about people that's not what you would concentrate on first okay you wouldn't concentrate on people distributing marijuana even if they were doing it illegally what are they doing they're getting good stuff out to people illegally you're making me not have to go to a shitty part of town yeah or to deal with some sort of criminal behavior to get the same stuff not only that but it becomes a matter of priorities when it comes to law enforcement like you incompetent fucks like why are you paying attention to this this is a non-issue

that hurts no one and you're paying attention to that's the problem you know what i think this might happen i think this might get it legalized in california if they start um closing a bunch of them i think the potheads at that point come out go oh okay we don't have yeah like now we all have it but the issue still stands it's not a study it's a federal issue is what you don't understand the federal government regardless of whatever the state chooses is still so why are they shutting down everywhere in america well they're first starting supposedly in San Diego because I guess San Diego is one of those areas where everyone around it, there's a very high,

people don't want it there as much as they want it. They're very conservative. San Diego, they had to make them open stuff up. And so what now they're doing is they're attacking the publications and newspapers and... For doing what? For advertising it. Because supposedly there's this ridiculous law

like you're not allowed to advertise anything that's illegal or illegal drugs. You can't advertise cigarettes in magazines anymore. Right. You can't at all? I don't think so. Nothing? Really? I think it used to be no cartoons and no live people. I think it's just never.

Wow. We'll leave with it, but it's sort of harmful. I wonder what the numbers are as far as, how much have people dropped off of smoking cigarettes? I bet a lot. I bet a lot. You think so? I bet a lot. I don't think kids are smoking as much.

I think it's, you can't smoke in public places. I think one of the biggest things for me is back in the day, you know, you smoked cigarettes, but everybody, you could smoke in restaurants, you could smoke anywhere. Now it's kind of a pain in the ass. So those peer pressure moments, there can be a lot more peer pressure moments. Right. Exactly. People still smoke, but maybe you're right.

I have no idea if it's less or more people. I'm going to ask you this question. According to an article in the LA Times in 2007, American smoking rates declined in the seven years leading up to 2004, but remained steady from 2004 to 2007. Wow. Largely due to a cut in funding for smoke prevention programs. So that means that works. Yeah.

Tobacco industry doubling its marketing spending. Just to keep it even. Yeah. Doubling. Doubling. Since 1997, tobacco consumption in developing countries has increased at an annual rate of 1.7%, according to

UN Food and Agricultural Organization. The key to the question is, is that heavy marketing from the tobacco industry? Okay. It seems like it's steadied off when this study was made, whatever, in 2007. When I was growing up, my first high school, there was no question I would not be smoking.

It was like, I would never try that. Really? You meet other kids, and you're like, oh, well, they're sort of normal. They do it. Okay. Maybe I could. Yeah, in between classes, I would smoke. I would go outside and smoke.

Really? Yeah. In high school? Yeah, we had this bridge that we could just crawl underneath. Dude, you kind of watch out for your health, man. So I freaked out. We have to talk about this in the podcast because so many people got so attached to it on Twitter. Our last podcast we did, Brian and I had a little hissy fit.

I was ragging. Well, I was tired, and I had been working a lot, and I had a short fuse, and I had a short fuse and Brian was hammered. And I was hammered because I've been doing this juice diet. And I'm going to wait. Are you following the podcast? So I wake up and have juice. You guys drink here? I go to bed and I have juice.

And so like I was in the car and- Sounds awesome so far. And Bert's like, let's drink. And I'm like, okay. So we got like all this beer. I had like three or four beers and by the fourth beer, I was so, if you listen to my voice, I could barely talk. Yeah. I had no protein in me except fucking carrot juice. had like three or four beers and by the fourth beer i i was so if you listen to my voice i could barely talk yeah i had no protein in me except remember when you'd always say you're not slurring

this is why you always talk that is he always said that he would brian gets pie-eyed everyone's like what he does he never wants to drink he never wants to do it everybody else i'll talk to all right i'll be like i'm fucking wasted I just happened off a beer and a half. I do get slurred fast. Way fast. Do you really think it has something to do with that carbon monoxide poisoning? I have no idea. Do you really think about that every now and then?

That that affected you? Looking back at it, it seems ridiculous. I guess to say the story again, I rented out... When I was in college, I had this place, and I had the top room, which was like the attic, but it was badass. It was like brick walls. It was really badass.

So carbon monoxide was leaking in there? Brick walls on one side, and then wood, shitty windows on the other side, and it was drafty. And so there was only one heat vent that came out of this brick that that i had my bed right underneath because i lived in ohio so it's fucking cold and so like the heat would just come out of this vent and warm up the whole entire room so yeah and uh when i was moving out the landlord was like you know going through to make sure i didn't destroy anything and they go whoa whoa whoa why is that thing not covered up i'm like what, what the fuck are you talking about? And they're like, no, that's the carbon dioxide furnace, you know, outtake. That's supposed to be covered up, you know.

It's supposed to be like a chimney. It's like an exhaust. Exhaust, yeah. So what do you think it does to you? You know. Cooked his brain. And that's why you slur? He says he used to be able to talk better.

I think how I originally said it was like, yeah, I think it definitely made me have a slight little stutter or a little thing i don't think it dramatic dramatically changed anything carbon monoxide slurring i have no idea when you drink of how crazy that is that you just said that you think that sleeping in this house might have given you a certain stutter yeah well i mean when you stutter when you drink? If you look at old videos of myself, I think that. It's nice to think that, right? But it's also, you look at old videos of me, and I'm like, no, I'm just the same crazy person I've always been.

I talk the exact same. I just slept through. Somebody wrote something, and this is a good idea, and this would help you. Getting back to one of the... We were talking about being able to communicate. And I think a lot of the slurring – you know what would help you tremendously? If you would write things.

I really think if you – What do you mean? Writing. I know. I know. I know. I know what you're saying. You think that helps you not slur?

I think it helps you form sentences better. Help form ideas better. It was an idea that somebody had on the message board. And it was a very astute idea. And the guy said that when you write and you get used to writing things it helps you um form sentences and phrases in your head better yeah but you know when i'm when i'm out like off the air you know when i'm off the air i'm like at the olive garden or i'm sorry apple piece or wherever i'm at i'm just having a conversation so i'm not stuttering i'm not i'm not not finishing sentences you're you're

really you guys are all really focusing on me getting really stoned and then two seconds later sitting down and talking on a mic you know same shit i slur when i drink yeah no that's not what i mean i mean like sometimes i mean i'm not talking about just general talk i'm talking about like sometimes you have an idea and you're having a hard time figuring out how to get it because i'm stoned as fuck when you read a lot more? Doesn't your vocabulary go way up? It does, yes, unquestionably. But I also think writing.

My stupid actresses still sound really smart. Because they read a lot? Because they read scripts all day long. Really? Yeah. They have to read a bunch of them. They just keep reading them over and over again. That's interesting.

I never thought about it that way. You've known new actresses that move out here. Yes. There are a lot of stupid hot chicks. Yeah. A lot of them are. Yeah. And those go on to succeed.

Some of them. I always wonder how much is stupid and how much is they've never been exposed to anything other than this narrow band of mental operation. Yeah. And they just stay in that sort of low end. They come out and they kind of grow. Entertainment to night frequency. operation yeah they just stay in that sort of come out of the low end entertainment tonight frequency they just stay in that frequency what is that dumb or is that just they they're

comfortable there yeah because otherwise they wouldn't watch it the news is on the other channel there's some smart people that like stupid shit i know that's true it's gotta be yeah some stupid stuff yeah that's okay there's not all i. Yeah. Some stupid stuff. Yeah. That's okay. Not all. I think there's more crazy in Hollywood than anything. There's so much fucking crazy. It's ridiculous how much crazy. Like, it makes me... Like, when you hang out with somebody that's not crazy, and you meet somebody new, you're

like, oh my god, this is... I can see that this person's not crazy, and I just hang out with crazy so much that I feel like everybody's that, you know? Yeah, there's so many weirdos that hang out at the comedy store that you just sort of take it for granted. Like a boom shakalaka. Yeah. And you're like,

Oh, it's just normal part of your life having to deal with those people. But whenever I was around that dude, I was always ready to kick him in the chest. I was always ready for a bum rush that I don't expect. And he'll hit people and fucking scream at people. He sells good shit, man.

I bought a lot of shit from that guy. Two bucks for a fucking bass. He has good stuff for a dollar. Remember that dude with Monkey Paw? Monkey Bones. Monkey Bones. He used to always have those cool lighters. Lighters, knives.

Robert William Aparvaya. Shockers, yeah. He's the king of the crazy people. He's still closing out on some of these mothers. Does he really still? He still closes out the show. I enjoyed my conversations with Robert. He and I had a very interesting little friendship.

He's a schizophrenic, I guess? Yeah. I don't know. But he was always nice to me. He was always complimentary. He was always very gentleman. I'm on his side. I'd rather be on his team than the other team.

Yeah, me too. People who torment him. Yeah, I don't think that's nice. I'll play along with your game, but I'll just be on the good side. I think he's a nice guy. I accidentally reached out my hand to shake him recently. I think I knew it, but I forgot. And he freaked the fuck out.

And I'm like, I felt so bad. Because now he thinks I'm on the bad side, I think. Oh, no, no. You're scared of people. I'll talk to him for you. Don't worry. He likes me. If I see him, I would be happy to talk to him

I like Robert that would be funny though if you had conversations every night like hello Joe I don't know his story but apparently he was like a lawyer right and he was went to NYU played on

some sort of college basketball team maybe a division 2 city college or whatever. But yeah, then he came out here to do whatever, and he went a little crazy. Wow. He thought he was next in line to host The Tonight Show, because he'd attended more tapings of The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson than anyone else. Oh, wow.

So he hates Jay Leno. He hates him. Oh. Thinks he stole it from him. He calls him Lemon Jello. He's got a weird disconnect. Yeah. But I don't know why I always enjoyed being around that guy.

If I have like a roach left, you know, instead of throwing it away, I'd be like, hey, Robert, you want this? Ooh, what kind of pot is this? What's the drink? Oh, thank you very much. Yeah, I love how he asks what it is, too. Yeah, he really wants to know. That's great. Who's the guy that hangs out at the comedy store? He always has like glasses on and like

this blonde, weird, shaggy hair and a weird mustache or something. I think he was a ding-donger at one time, an older guy. But he's like – I just found out. A schizophrenic surfer? No. No, but it's like that. But this guy, he's kind of on that same kind of thing. And I found out he's like an action star in India.

Like one of the number one Indian actions. Holy shit. He's been doing these videos and they're like really popular. And this whole time I'm like, oh, he's just this ding-donger guy that always hangs out here. Wow. He's an action star in India. Yeah. And if you look at the trailers, it's amazing.

Like you're like, it's the best thing you'll ever see in your life. God, I don't know his name. The ding-dong show gets a weird group of people. I don't know how Bears controls and finds them. I don't know how he finds them. I can't, God, I don't know his name. The Ding Dong Show gets a weird group of people. I don't know how Barris controls and just finds them. I don't know how he finds them. What a commitment, too.

He's been doing it for a decade. You should have him on the show sometime. More than a decade? Way more. I would love to have Barris. Anytime you want to do it.

Oh, all right. Well, he's always busy with his show. He warms up the Jimmy Kimmel show, right? Yeah. He still does it, right? Sunday or something.

I love Don Barris. He also gets off for like a week at a time here and there. He's such a fun guy to be around too he's helped me form a unique part of my stand-up when i see him being goofy and saying horrible things i'm like oh how does he get away you watch him enough you're like okay i can sort of see a little bit of a smile but he tells old ladies to be like oh you filthy whore you love getting bent over and just rail don't you dirty dirty whore and they love it bent over and just railed. Don't you? Dirty, dirty whore. And they love it.

They laughing. They with their grandchildren smiling while he's saying it, he's smiling and laughing while he's saying it. We had, we had this door guy who didn't understand that. And I would always say like on stage, like, Hey,

what's up black people. I was going to like interact with black people and bears are always like, you bitch. How dare you? But in a fun way, this door guy didn't get it. And one day he just goes up to some woman from in the audience from on stage and he goes what's up you black bitch oh yeah

and it ruined the next five hours of show oh no everyone who went in there was like what's with that room no yeah white kyle that's what they called him sig kyle oh god sig kyle nicknames after that he just didn't know how to do it right it felt so bad for him there's a lot of nutheads working at that place if there was ever a vortex of insane people it's the comedy store yeah we met so many nutty fucking humans in that joint just weird like how do you even survive in life kind of crazy yeah yeah and i know you're just here just one of the people here and in that place there's a lot of those people that are still regulars they still go on stage you know you can go there and it's you'll see half a show

and half like a psychology experiment dude kravitz goes out there sometimes and it's so hard to take. What happened to him? He's just fried. He's fried. And it's just like he talks to you. He used to be a funny guy. Yeah, he used to be funny. He used to be a funny guy.

When I saw him, he was like on the tail end of that. And then I don't think he's used anymore, but I think he just caught up. And it's just like you're burnt out. No brain left. Yeah, he has his horrible stories. It'll just start on you midway through his story and he just traps you. Oh, no. And it's just so sad and on stage it's become so horrible there's been a couple

times lately that i've been going there and this is like prime not prime i guess but like you know sunday 10 p.m 9 30 nice crowd in the audience well that's when they have like friends of the comedy store just like maybe it was i'm sorry mond. Same thing there. But same kind of thing, right? Yeah. But this was two comics in a row that I watched, and I got angry. Okay, so what? Because they had 10-minute spots at this time, and it was the worst thing ever. The crowd just sitting there like, really?

Are we watching this awful shit? The weird thing about those nights- I get mad. I have to leave. The weird thing about those nights, well well you've seen them to the open mics is like they've sat through so much shit that at some point they just lose faith and stand up so if you go on like the boys it's going right after that yeah and they're like what are you gonna do to us now right it was so hard God

that's exactly what it is like they've been beaten you can't you just can't keep beating me just in a bad and every host used to be like all right this next guy really funny and at some point when i saw it i never said that because i'm like they're not gonna believe me after you say five times in a row i can't say this guy and the worst things ever unless the guy's really funny yeah never say he's really fun and then one time like hey guys by the way i know this has been a shit show there's been madness of homeless people right now but this guy is funny you can say that yeah fuck that oh it would get so hard i used to have to host that for like years i would host that it's very good for your act yeah it was for yours it helped you a lot it helped you that's what freddie said the first time he

let me do it he goes if she lets you do it more than once watch how much quicker it makes you on stage yeah and it did because every three minutes you got to get back up there and start thinking of something to get the crowd going yeah and you also learn how to manage the makes you on stage. Yeah. And it did. Oh, yeah. Because every three minutes, you've got to get back up there and start thinking of something to get the crowd going a little bit. Yeah, and you also learn how to manage the room. Yeah. You become sort of a social manager,

keep all these people, you know. Yeah, yeah. I have to keep doing, like, crowd work in between everybody. Okay, make them laugh for 30 seconds. Yeah. You have to figure out how to make them laugh fast

and then bring on the next awful. Awful, awful, awful comedian. That's why I actually used to love comics like Boone Shagalaka who would go on in drag with a bucket on his head and you know what

at least he got the crowd going at least he got the crowd going at least after him I could be like keep that going for the next guy but didn't you ever want to just sterilize

that fucking microphone after you're done yeah dude dude that's the worst like that's that's probably

the worst thing ever sometimes I just totally forget too when I'm like oh I just touched my lip on that yeah that's that's probably the worst thing ever sometimes i just totally forget to when i'm like oh i just touched my lip on that yeah that place that microphone never gets cleaned never and they don't buy new ones doesn't get old they've been there for a while that one that's there is probably the one that i bought it has to have blown up completely before they replaced that yeah cheap content imagine just sucking that shit out i always touch my lips

i think about it later i'm like yeah that's terrible because it smells sometimes yeah even through the night enough people have a little spittle laying on it just stinks damn i was gonna talk about oh this i read some fucking studies the strangest study that i've ever read and it's a bunch of scientists that are convinced that there is no free will and that at the moment you decide and make up your mind to do something yeah in reality you had already decided several seconds before this talks about this nichi talks about it he said the thing is you can't tell yourself, think of an elephant. What made you say to yourself, think of an elephant? There is no independent thought. That's cool. And I really don't fully understand it because a lot of what I understand about it could be completely

opposite from the way he intended it. Here's my take on it because I thought about it. I'm like, this is a fascinating thing because you essentially have philosophers that are arguing with scientists. And in a sense, they're both right. Because maybe you don't change what you're doing. Maybe there is no real free will. But maybe it's because this seven-second thing that happens before you make up your mind to whatever the choice is going to be that you're going to pick. Maybe that's just a random thing. But the results of that, maybe that's what they can't measure.

The results of you changing the way you think, and that essentially is free will. The free will essentially is how you steer it. But you would have already changed the way you think. That's what they're saying. Would you have? I'm not sure. They're not accounting for character,

and I don't think it's an either or. Because I think that a certain amount of character and a certain amount of will can be developed. And the essential question is why are you developing it? Were you designed to develop it? Is this just your natural course of your life that you're following, that you're supposed to follow anyway? And you're just tricking yourself into thinking these are your own decisions. But this is almost like laid out. Right, where it's like, you're going to make this decision this way.

You're going to struggle with it, and then they come to this decision. Could you imagine under further investigation, they show that there really is a code that we're all picking out through the air. And that code is like a genetic code, or like a computer code, and that it's a

wireless frequency that we're tuned into that is moving us in a very specific direction. We're all programmed to do exactly what we do. If this is what they're saying if they're saying that your mind has made moves to make this decision seven seconds before you consciously decided. They say this about

God where it's like if God knows what we're going to end up doing because there's no time to God in the normal concept of God then there's no free like if god knows what we're going to end up doing because there's no time to god yeah in the normal concept of god um then there's no free will he knows what we're going to do he knows we're going to make a decision this way that way and this is the best way i've explained how that maybe it's not the best way of thinking about it if you go and see jurassic park with someone who's never seen it before and you say oh this guy's about to get killed and then he gets killed your friend is going to be like why did you make that dinosaur do that like you didn't do it yeah you just know what's going to happen doesn, why did you make that dinosaur do that? You didn't do it.

You just know what's going to happen. It doesn't mean you're commanding me. It's an interesting concept. No, no, no. It's an interesting concept because I want to believe that I'm in control of my life. You want to, sure. And we all do, but why do we? Why do we want to absolutely believe that we're not just following some predetermined pattern of behavior?

Power? We want to be leaders and not followers? Well, sort of. But when you're at your best, say on stage, you know we talk about being in that groove. You're like a passenger. You're riding that fucking thing. Yeah. Right?

That's when you are at your best, right? When you're not really even thinking about it. You're not even in control. You're sort of floating. The way they best did it, you ever see Shine? Shine? Yeah, the movie about the pianist. That goes crazy.

It's the guy who won the Oscar. He did some Holocaust movie later. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know who you're talking about. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The little kid one. Yeah, he learned it.

But they said when he was playing the thing and all you hear the sound drop off, and all you hear is the bumping of the keys, the physical keys hitting his fingers. You know? Right. Because everything goes quiet. That's how it sort of feels like when you're in the zone on stage.

Yeah. Where you're just sort of like, huh, and now I'm saying this, and those people are reacting this way. Right. And you're floating through it. Yeah. You're not even conscious. Oh, look at that. Look at what I just did there. Yeah. I went into the crowd work there. And you're floating through it. Yeah. You're not even conscious.

Oh, look at that. Look at what I just did there. Yeah. I went into the crowd work there. And you can't even think about that too much because that'll distract you. But it's like you're just going on autopilot. It's like boogie boarding. You just catch a wave and you just keep going. Well, you know, that's the concept of also the muse, the idea of creativity coming as

something you tune in. Yeah. It just hits you. It's all. So maybe that is all really connected. We talked about that. When you get a great bit, you're just like, it just sort of came to me.

I didn't do it. Just out of the air. It just comes out of the ether. You have to sit yourself down to receive it. That's what you've got to do. That's why I was saying you should write. Because I think you have a lot of really funny ideas, but you keep them all in your head.

You bounce them out on stage, and you write things down that you're going to do. But I think if you wrote a blog, like a funny blog, I think you would really get into it. Diary, even just a diary. You would have some really funny shit, and it would really help your stand-up. It really helps your word, your forming sentences, and it really helps your material. Because when you sit down to write a blog, at least for me, when I write, I i never restrict myself you know unless i'm working on a particular bit that i'm trying to tighten up yeah i don't restrict myself to like what subject

or how i'm going to do it i just start writing like if maybe it'll come out funny maybe it'll come out creepy maybe it'll come out yeah but just right yeah but just right just whatever the fuck i'm thinking and as you're writing then you know it's like it takes longer to write the word neuroscientist than it does to think of a neuroscientist but it makes you keep thinking about it right it makes you're doing it you're trying right but it's almost and the idea is like it's richer in your mind as just sitting down and just thinking just thinking without actual pen yeah when you actually write things down there's something to it i think where it enriches the it's hard to keep your concentration too like

if you're thinking about like whatever it is i don't know the skull. It's hard to keep your concentration, too. If you're thinking about whatever it is, I don't know, the skulls, and you're trying to write a bit about skulls without writing it down, without putting a pen to paper, your mind then wanders to something else, and you're no longer doing the writing about the thing. That's why I've said it before.

I'll say it again. That Rightroom application is the shit. If you have a Mac, it's called Rightroom. And I know there's a PC variation before it, but I'm on Team Mac, so you can suck it. The best real-world advice I got on writing came from Damon Wayans, actually, once when I was starting. Yeah. Because people said, like, it's so helpful, so this.

But the problem is, in everybody's brains, there's a laziness where it's like, yeah, but what am I going to write for an hour? Like, I'm never going to fucking do that. Right. This is what he said. In the morning, before you go to work, you take 10 minutes and set an alarm. If it's 11.02 when you're starting, set it for 11.13. So as that next minute starts, you get 10 minutes. As soon as the alarm goes off, stop writing.

And you always have 10 minutes. You can put in 10 minutes. He goes, one, two things happens. One, if you do have more time, you'll keep writing if you want to. So we'll get it going already. Two, the rest of the day, you're thinking about what you already put on paper. So you're going to keep writing if you want to so we'll get it going already to the rest of the day you're thinking about what you already put on paper so you're going to keep writing in your head you're going to keep that that uh the brain just pumping you know i mean but you can always spare 10 minutes you always keep doing it i have and then you get home you can write more if you

want but just every morning 10 minutes and it seems so foolish if you can't put in 10 minutes it does and i don't very specific um set very specific mindset when it comes to anything that's going on in my life, especially with stand-up and anything creative. If I'm not writing, I never completely feel in the zone. I will have to sit myself down. If I have a gig coming up, like say I'm doing a theater on the weekend, I have to sit myself down and write something. I have to sit myself down and get that part of my brain, just crank it up. Here's an idea. Here's something I'm working on.

Even if I don't talk about that on stage that night, the fact that I'm working on new shit just gets... It puts you in a better mood almost. Yes. It puts a better brain move. It makes me feel productive. It makes me feel like I'm putting out what I'm supposed to put out. I bet you also feel like confident or like a winner because you wrote. And so that helps your confidence.

Yeah. I think when you do what you know you're supposed to do, you don't feel like a loser. Especially when I got made a non-paid regular. It made me just like I was allowed to do belly room shows or something. But my sets around town with the open mics were just killer for like three weeks. Right. Because I felt like I'm a real comic. Right.

Yeah. But it didn't make my writing any better. I was still doing the same jokes. Mayhem told me that when he got his black belt from Fabrizio Verdum, he immediately became better on the ground. Really? Yeah. And Ryan Parsons said that too.

He started thinking he deserved it? Yeah. He just started putting it in his head like, yeah, man, I'm a fucking black belt in jiu-jitsu. Shit. Yeah. Mayhem is a legit black belt in jiu-jitsu too, man. Mayhem's ground game is no fucking joke. What do you think of his fight with Bisping?

It's a great fight. I'm excited. It's a great fight. It's an interesting fight. The coaching on the show is what's been the most impressive thing about Mayhem to me. We were texting each other back and forth today. I was like, dude, you're a fucking good coach, man. He's a really good coach.

His instructions are very clear. Post up, post up. All right, left hand, get his controls risk. Nice, nice. It's like everything. He walks the guy through it. Get him with an elbow. There you go. And he's like, all right, he's breaking now. He's breaking. He's like everything. He walks the guy through it. Get him with an elbow. There you got it.

And he's like, all right, he's breaking now. He's breaking. He's looking to quit. He's looking to quit. I mean, he talked his fighters through the entire thing. Get his back. All right, flatten him out. Flatten him out.

All right, soften him up. He's done. Let's finish him. Let's finish him. So he really, they understand it? And Bisping is screaming, get the fuck up, mate. Get the fuck up, mate. Fucking get up.

He's screaming at the top of his lungs, and he's so mad because Mayhem's won every fucking fight. So Bisping's fight is just getting jacked, and Mayhem is talking the dudes through it perfectly. It was amazing. I was like, damn, that just shows people

what Mayhem's really all about. They're doing those fights at the same time as they're doing the fight now, as the coaches are fighting, aren't they? No, that's in the next iteration when we do it on FX. Then it's going to be in live time. You mean December 3rd? Is that what you mean? Yeah. Yes. Eventually, it's going to be live. The fights are going to be live

on television. They used to do it on a different... Oh, really? Every week? Yeah. I don't know how they're going to synchronize that. They're figuring it out with FX, but that's going to be amazing. Damn, these 135-pounders, 145-pounders are fucking awesome. Brian has the best ideaize that. They're figuring it out with FX, but that's going to be amazing. Damn, these 135 pounders, 145 pounders are fucking awesome. Brian has the best idea for that. He goes, these are so small.

He says they should come in and prance around the octagon on ponies and make three circles. Brian who? Brian Redbath. You said that? They're all adorned. They're not letting Uriah Faber see you. All adorned. The 135ers would have to move around with some sort of jousting pole. That would be awesome.

You are both. They're little horns and stuff. I can't participate. I feel like there are lines and then there are line crossers. That's where you two fucks are. I don't even know you. And the pony would do that little prancing where it gets down on one knee.

Like, good day to you. Very regal. And would it be a pony with the hair over the hooves to make it extra fluffy? Yes. When they have that extra hair that just blossoms around their wrists. Like the bugweiser ponies? What the fuck is that? One of the fighter braids.

Weird shit is that, man. Weird fucking dust covers they have over their feet somebody make that they invent that horse that's like dog breeding they just that's all they can do with horses is that what they did maybe maybe right well there's a bunch of different breeds apparently we were wrong and indians a new agriculture before the uh the white man and they taught the white man how to grow corn. And B, they apparently might have even had horses, even before European settlers. But the Incas didn't.

The Incas didn't know about the horse. But there might have been some other horses that were left. They also think that the first settlers in America might have been the Chinese. Really? Yeah, the Chinese might have found America. From the Bering Strait. Yeah. Oh, yeah, we knew that. We got taught that in grade school. No, no, no, not that. That's Yeah, the Chinese might have found America. From the Bering Strait. Yeah. Oh, yeah, we knew that.

No, no, no, not that. That's Siberians. I mean, on boats. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. There's, I believe, there's a bunch of, well, you know, there's a bunch of history that's obviously lost in North America because North America used to be covered in a glacier, and the glacier fucking crushed everything and melted

and created the Great Lakes and all that shit. But the reason I always see filipinos and they're always like somewhat you know mexican they look sort of mexican for the asians and i talked to edwin san juan yesterday and he was like yeah the spanish came and raped the fuck out of us yeah the that's how my name is edwin san juan i'm san juan and i'm an asian yeah crazy yeah yeah well that's uh filipinos it's a weird it's a chinese and yeah chinese and spanish so they must the chinese must have like just well not the asians Yeah, crazy, huh? Yeah. Well, that's Filipinos. It's a weird, it's a Chinese and, yeah, Chinese and Spanish. So they must, the Chinese must have like just, well, not the Asians must have just gone on boats that way going west. Well, one of the weird things is they found cocaine. They found cocaine residue in some pharaoh something or another.

Yeah. They found evidence of cocaine use in ancient Egypt. And what's insane about that is cocaine can only be grown in South America. It can't be grown in Egypt. Yeah. Ooh, where'd they get it from where they get it from the climate doesn't suit it i don't know poor time they think that they might have been on a fucking ship the other possibility is that the climate was way way different back then i don't know if i'm sure they have a pretty detailed record of it could also be weren't didn't some people used to bring stuff from other parts of the world well yeah but they were saying by boats they didn't know that people were traveling the globe.

We're talking about 2500 BC. But we do know that they have boats back then. There's some really detailed boats that they found in tombs. Incredible boats. Big, giant put-together boats inside tombs. So that we know that they could get on maybe not across the ocean,

but they definitely had the concept of boats down. Yeah. I was just going to say the people that live in North America this whole thing used to be covered in ice. So there's not that many

people that were here. Everybody sort of eventually went, oh this is open now. Then people stormed in. They just jumped. Look at all the space it's crazy crazy how it happened if you look at like the evolution of the earth you know and like the the progress of people moving around it is a very strange thing that this one awesome spot that uh used to be connected to everything was completely empty except for just a few tribes no no barely using any of it yeah really i mean it's just a tiny tiny number so much extra real estate yeah what a crazy we'll go somewhere else

we go with a buffalo go dude what's where's your house for the buffalo is for the short period of time that when the indians were like in the like in the best situation yeah before the white men found out what the fuck was over here. This must have been the dopest playground of all. They had a whole continent. Go play. Don't go too far. Go a few miles.

Animals everywhere. Bigfoots. There's a lot of things that can kill you. Jaguars and shit like that. What's really crazy is that just 10,000 years ago there were saber-toothed tigers. Wrap your head around that. That's just 10,000 years ago there were saber-toothed tigers wrap your head around that that's just 10 000 years ago like long-tooth ones yeah cool what would be cool wild fucking animal that was it had swords in its skull big giant swords that came out and it would just slash open your neck with these swords bullfighter style yeah eyeball pop out just tear your fucking bullfighter style oh yeah did you see that video

or the uh yeah this video too uh the image of the bullfighter that got gored in spain oh yeah through his brain through his face through his face right through his eyeball it shows the horn popping out he's dead his cheek is out no no he's paralyzed lost his eye paralyzed that side of his face do it it's amazing how quick it happened too the videos are it's just like it just happened goes down did you see the gazelle leaping over the guy yes oh my god i heard them talking about that the other day this gaming guy from wherever that was let's explain what it is oh okay yeah i guess not everybody lives in our brains let's explain to them there's this there's this bike path in south africa south africa and it's in like the like a reservation or reserve for animals. Yeah.

And this gazelle, this guy's taping his buddy ahead of him. They're both biking. And this gazelle just suddenly runs in his screen, tries to jump over this biker as he's speeding down this path. Yeah, just he doesn't see the guy coming quick enough, and the gazelle runs into him or whatever. Knocks him down, smashes him in his face. He's a big deer-like animal. But hit him full clip, going like 40 miles an hour he goes flying and lands on his fucking head yeah and the noises he was making was like ko noises that's ko noises when something gets knocked out out of it when they're waking up

they make noise like this yeah his helmet shattered yeah just a hole in it we're like yeah that's what that was your brain would look like right now if you weren't wearing a helmet that's scary as fuck dude yeah the hooves hit him dead on yeah he could look like right now if you weren't wearing a helmet. That's scary as fuck, dude. Yeah, the hooves hit him dead on. Yeah, he could have died for sure. If he didn't have a helmet on, his head would have been smushky. They said, this reserve guy said, the sun was probably in the gazelle's eye. Because its angle was coming in that way or whatever.

And he just saw him at the last second because he was speeding faster than normal, I guess. So it was just like, you know, he just timed it. And he saw him at the last, tried to jump over. There's a great video online. Wasn't attacking, though. Yeah. There's a great video online of a guy on a motorcycle with a camera in the front of his motorcycle.

He's carving through canyons. Wow, that's cool. And he hits a deer. And you see one frame where you see the deer's face. It's fucking badass. Wow. See one frame. And then it just stops.

Boom. And he just goes fucking flying fucking fine you see the camera flying through the air spins and then it goes black and then it shows the guy he actually survived wow he got laid out his bike is destroyed and he just flipped and but he was wearing a you know it actually says make sure you wear always wear a helmet and wear wear leather when he was like covered in like a you know like one of those racer tough outfits. You can actually kind of take a little bit of an impact with it on. It sounds like scraping as you're sliding down.

That's what happened to Harris. He was sliding down the street and just ripping his skin off. But when you hit a deer at 60 miles an hour, it ain't that. It's like hitting a wall. It's flying. You're going flying. You're going to fly through the air. Everything's flying.

You don't know what the fuck is going to happen. You just hit a deer, and you're going way too fast. You took on that speed. You're on something that's like 3,000 pounds. No, not that heavy. What is a motorcycle? Whatever, but you just stop. You're flying off. 500 pounds, 600 pounds.

What are those like ninjas? Well, your body goes that fast. It's like you're going 60 miles an hour. You keep going 60. It's ridiculously fast. Those things are so crazy. You know, I see them on the highway sometimes just fucking whiz by. Like, that is the weirdest thing ever that that's legal.

I mean, it's like, what a massive risk-taking event we have on our highways. In California, for people who don't know, in most rational states all across this country, you have to stay in your fucking lane. All right? You can't just drive in the middle. In California, they let motorcycles drive in between the fucking cars. And I don't know who says that's okay. And they often hit your side mirrors.

Oh, yeah. It happened twice. Oh, yeah. I've had it happen. I've had it happen. Yeah. Yeah. In slow traffic, they just go right through it.

Especially those dudes with those big, crazy, fat Harley bikes. You know, those things aren't that nimble, man. Yeah. What are those guys even trying? Like, the ones with the big ass like that storage containers on the side trying to go in between lanes what is this what's up with these handlebars I don't know these handlebars where they look like they're they're like like lower it's like lower down more attention rocky on the top of

the stairs in Philadelphia hey look at. I'm on a loud motorcycle. For folks looking or not looking, or rather listening at home, we're doing the arms up in the air thing. What do they call them? Ape hangers? Ape hangers? Ape hangers. That's what they call them.

The crazy handlebars that are like super tall. Ride or live, live the ride. Motorcycles must be so much fucking fun, though. Think about it people get together in groups and they all just ride around together i want to get the fat tire one the one that has the really fat oh yeah i've seen those i would even get the the tri cycle dude the tri cycle one yeah i think those fat tire ones are just kind of cool looking oh really but i think if you want a bike that handles you know you would mean a sport bike is like a bike that would handle really good

but like you know you get like a balanced road bike those tricycle motorcycles look fine i need them to not be as uh dumb looking to you know tricycle motorcycles yeah they do look a little look at me yeah somebody does fat tuesday has my cory holcomb cory does he really yeah and it's like what is this he goes yeah you're talking about it, aren't you? Oh, is that what it is? You talking about it so he got you? He likes it. There's so much attention. I heard that dude's really funny. He's hilarious.

Does he have a special or anything out? I don't know. I don't know. Joey Diaz always talks about how funny that dude is. He was talking about when we did the Ness show in Toronto two years ago, the summer before this one, that he had this bit about the worst thing about your your girl having a miscarriage is that you have to act upset oh and then he goes he just acts out going like why why did this happen and he does it for like a while and then you just see him like reach his hand over and go why flush oh that's hilarious yeah yeah that's a for i i hear your your pain about wanting to have a vasectomy yeah i feel you god you know a lot of comments that got roped in over

the years you know it oh yeah we all know them We all know them. We all know them. And we all know what happens when it becomes their life. It's just a weird thing that you get connected to someone like that. Yeah. They're inescapable in your life now. We were supposed to hook up three times, and that was supposed to be it for our story. Yeah. We're not supposed to be spending 30 years together. Yeah.

That's a weird thing, man. It's a weird thing. Instead of getting that operation, just print out some fake medical records saying that you have a past family history. Here's the weird thing, though. Every time I hear something like that, the only real excuse to not do it is something ridiculous like that. It's almost like joking. No, no.

That's all you do. They have it with these forms. You just put your name in it. I mean, if you're going to think in terms of that, you should definitely have a mastectomy. I think they have a pill for men that they're pretty close to releasing. They've been working on it forever. Oh, that's awesome. Since I just started fucking.

I would think that it's going to kill your dick though. I would think that any pill That just aborts it. I think any pill that probably it's going to affect your dick. What if they cut it with Viagra? Have a 90% that pill. So it's like, hey, whatever. Everything good.

Could you imagine if that happened and only soulless babies were born instead? And thus starts the apocalypse. It's not that you can't conceive. You can only conceive soulless babies. They come out with fucking piranha teeth. Just eat their way out of the pussy. No eyeballs.

Yeah. Yeah. That's what starts it. There's so many different scenarios as to what's going to start it. What's going to start the zombie apocalypse? We all agree it's going to start. There will be a zombie apocalypse at some point. We all know that there's too many fucking people for the amount of resources that we have in this one area

that we've all chosen to reside in. Eventually that shit's going to fall apart. If we don't figure out this whole petrochemical dependency thing, we're eventually going to run out of fucking oil. I mean, whether it's 100 years from now or 10 years from now. In the grand scheme of it, we'll run out of oil. There'll be mass extinction. And we'll start over

with the amount of people we can handle. With no oil. Good luck with all that. Good luck walking home and smelling rotten dead people in every house. Good luck, 2240. Enjoy that shit. Yeah, and worrying about who's going to eat your dog tonight.

Back to those times. And then you smell it cooking and you look over the window and you see Enjoy that shit. Yeah, and worrying about who's going to eat your dog tonight. Yeah. Back to those times. And then you smell it cooking, and you look over the window, and you see your fucking neighbors chewing on your dog, looking like fucking monsters and animals. They'd be like, oh, why'd you guys do that? I hate my fucking dog because they were hungry. Yeah, people are going to start eating dogs,

and then they're going to start eating people. We're going to realize we're going to have to eat some of each other. There's just too many to go around. That's where mad cow comes from. What? Cows eating each other? In the grain? Mad cow disease comes from, it's called Jacob's Crutchfeld, I think. That's the official name of the disease.

It comes from cows being forced fed brain tissue. Yeah, they grind it up and put it in the grain. Yeah. And this same exact disease manifests itself amongst cannibals. When cannibals eat their rivals' brains, they get sick. In the Book of Eli, they do that. You get the shakes if you eat a human too much. Yes, in the Book of Eli?

In the movie, the Book of Eli. Oh, in the movie. Yeah, that's true, dude. That's right. That may or may not have been in the Book of Eli. It probably wasn't in the original book. But it is true. The same shitty ending in the book.

Why did I watch this whole thing? For this? That was a brutal ending. What? And you find out that he's blind. He's blind the whole time. Don't see it. It doesn't pay off.

He's blind the whole time. But he's not really. And the whole thing's in Braille, and he's the only one that can read it. So he's got the message of the Bible. That's what he was living for. so he could make the Bible live along. Yeah. And by the way, what's the translation? Is it ancient Hebrew?

All English. All English. He's given the gift. He knows it by heart. All English. Fucking cunts. How dare he? I could put it in a library.

But it is a thing that would apparently, that is that disease. Really? When people get the shakes, yeah. From that. There was something else we talked about last week that we should that i don't know if you knew about uh that iphone's not being built this time around in uh china really it's actually being built in brazil brazil yeah there's new iphones being built in brazil why brazil i don't know well hopefully they don't have as many so we were talking about sweatshops yeah i don't i don't

know man i think they took a lot of heat from what happened in China. They have these Foxconn studios, right? These Foxconn studios have 420,000 people working 15 hours a day for $175 a month and no air conditioning. In hot fucking China.

Does anyone have air conditioning in China? Yeah. It's real. They know it exists. It's not like a ghost. I read this thing that they were talking about. Perry or Romney or one of those guys, whatever it was, Massachusetts. I literally don't care about politics at all, but some of it interests me. But they were saying how, oh, well, the unemployment premiums went up. They're up to 14% in Massachusetts.

So that shows how bad they are. They're 14% higher than the national average. And then somebody was like, yeah. But when I instituted this thing, it was 20% over. It's down to 14%. You can't just say, I don't know why, what were you saying there? I just thought of this. The people in Foxconn.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I was like, what? If no one in China has air conditioning, then it's not that bad. It just sounds way worse. Yeah, but either way, that's extreme. $170 a month. You're so cheap. And this is the point. They have suicide nets. They have suicide nets all around the building.

What? I saw this conversation you had. Suicide nets. There's millions of people that work there. I saw this conversation you had. There's millions of people there that the rate is actually lower than the national average of deaths.

Yes, it is. It is. There's actually 420,000 people that are employed there. And their rate is slightly below the national rate. So really, it's not about them being like, oh, look how bad they are. They have to have suicide nets. It's like, no, no. Look how above and beyond they're going.

Actually, the real question is how many of those people kill themselves at work. That's the real question. The difference is they live there, right? Exactly. That's why it's depressing as fuck. But how many times have you heard post offices, guys going in and shooting up the place? Or it just happened at Seal Beach. Supposedly one of the employees just killed eight people there.

Was that an employee? I thought that was a boyfriend. Oh, I thought it was a guy that worked there. I could see you wanting to kill yourself. I don't know that. If you work at an apple plant for months and months and they come in one day it's like guys big announcement everyone stops working for a second like we're huge we just got a great review and and the gawker they're like oh okay excuse me and just go up to the roof yeah and just fucking end it i think it

has you know i think it's probably one of these things that yeah whatever they're making what 200 a month or whatever it is not even 175 175 $175. $175. I think, if anything, it's probably around them, like how much does rice cost and things like that. You know? I mean, you can get a whole bag for $5. Brian's like, you know, first of all, I know where you live sucks horribly, but you don't need to escape. What do you want?

Retirement? Well, you can retire on a bag of rice. And it's also giving them a place to live, though, too, which is not most jobs. Yeah, you might get paid shitty, but you're also not getting to live there. God, dude, you're living in a dormitory stacked on top of each other, and they're not making enough money to buy a house somewhere. I mean, what are they going to do? They get wrung out to dry, drained of your humanity just so that we can have phones.

But what are the other people? Where that factory is, are there houses or are people living on boats? It is a good question. Maybe that reality is so much better than the zombie apocalypse that they were living in before this fucking Chinese sweatshop factory opened up. And they're probably getting medical on that.

I'm not sure if they do, but they probably are. Everybody sort of wants to say, well, maybe everything's okay. But the reality is, it's reality is it's sweatshop it sucks yeah it is a sweatshop and we don't hire children in america right we had to make a law and it sucks when other people do yeah and pay them shittily and it's like yeah of course we're gonna have it there it's cheaper and then you realize microsoft sony every single fucking company does the exact same thing even at foxconn well that's you know what's really interesting is i is I said, I wrote this on Twitter and I wrote this on the message board. I said, what about a phone called the iPhone Karma?

And what that is is a phone that's made in America. You pay people a good wage. Yeah, you pay them a good wage and I'll pay double for your phone. And you better have a sticker where everyone else can see that you paid the extra for it. You would sell hundreds. It would be such a grin. Listen, man, it might not be a moneymaker. No, you know, they would never do it.

Because then they'd have to also be admitting that they were doing something bad on the other end. Exactly. One of the guys from the message board said that they should have an iPhone Karma and then an iPhone, I think he said, Evil? Tyranny. It's that one. It's like super cheap. And you just support the Dark Lord as they fucking drop bombs from drones.

It's a shitty olive green color. It's made out of the flesh of Afghani babies. Even the shirts, even t-shirts and clothing, half of that shit comes from even worse conditions than Foxconn you know like i don't know i mean it's really weird to where do you prioritize you know obviously it's horrible that there's war going on right now and civilians and afghanistan and iraq are dying and it's not their fucking fault and the whole thing is chaos you can only think about what can you there's so many goddamn things to think about. You have to go to the countries. The countries have to make it laws and be like, look, no, this is illegal. You have to

fucking have these conditions and stuff like that. Everyone else has to play by our rules. They won't do it. We're not worth anything anymore, man. We're broke. We're broke as fuck. I don't even understand how that works. I understand how it works. I finally figured it out. It's these fucking podcasts.

Nobody's working anymore. 90% of you listening right now just go, shut up, shut up. You're going to ruin it. Yeah, there is a structure. They all listen to podcasts all day long at work. Yeah. It's motherfuckers ruining everything. I think we should just have a country bias out.

What's the most successful country right now? I think we might be the most successful, which is the scariest thing. That means that the banks are the ones controlling everything. If everybody's fucking broke, if everybody's broke, there's not one country where everybody's just fucking balling Jay-Z style 24-7 in their underwear, popping bottles with models on the top of a yacht. Do-do-do-do. No one's doing that.

Not one country. Then how is anybody winning? And if nobody's winning, where do all the resources go? You cunts. Where do they go? Who's got the money? Who's got the papers? You've got to just...

That's my problem with the Occupy Wall Street stuff. I just don't quite understand. I like the rising up and stating your mind and stuff. I just don't understand who you're picketing for and what results you're hoping for. Well, they want change. And I don't know what that means. But the super rich. Yeah.

They're the ones... I mean, are they going to be like, you're not affecting me in any way? The good thing is what they're doing is getting people to think that this is a very unstable situation and because it is and that people are fed up because they are and they should be this is a fucking terrible financial system it's horrible i don't understand it but i know that billions of dollars have been thrown around in the form of bailouts. And some say much more than that, if you follow the accounting. The secret ones. Yeah, they forced an audit, and Ron Paul had something to do with this.

And they found out there was just fucking insane amounts of money loaned to all these different creepy cunts all over the world. And bailouts just put in left and right. And it's all our tax money, man. It's all scary. They spent all our fucking money, and we're broke broke and we're in two wars at the same time and no one has any solution that seems to want to deviate from the current path everyone's solution is stay on the current path so they manage it better so then they are except ron paul what is he he has a better solution he

wants us out he wants everybody back he's like this is ridiculous yeah is ridiculous. Of the war, you mean? Yeah, and because of that, they don't even pay attention to him. There's this new guy that they're following. Who's this black guy? The black guy, Herman Payne? Is that what his name is? Haven't we had enough? I'm just kidding. He's a black Republican. They've sent in Mothra to battle with Godzilla.

He's not going to run, is he? Fuck yeah, he's running. The black guy's ahead. He's ahead right now. Yeah, yeah. Okay, we need to find out. Have you ever thought about just giving up and moving somewhere completely different?

He's such a Republican. He's such a Republican. He says that if you don't have a job, that's your fault. Wow. If you're not rich, it's your fault. Have you ever thought

about doing that, Joe? Just like, you know what? I'm retiring in a different country. I'm fucking Cat Stevenson out. Johnny Depp was in France. Oh, yeah. That's right. I mean, mostly Stevenson out in China. Johnny Depp was in France. Mostly it's just cars are cars.

Air conditioning is the air conditioning in your room. Herman Cain. That's his name. Herman Cain. He's a very successful businessman. I think a lot of those Occupy Wall Street people want to do away with capitalism. There's a lot of hippie bitches out there that need a punch. I think that's their problem. Why should 1% have it? We should all be equal in this. You're proposing a giant change. There's a lot of hippie bitches out there that need a punch. But I think that's their problem. It's like, why should 1% have it? We should all be equal in this.

Well, you're proposing a giant change. There's a lot of, no, yeah, that's not cool. You don't deserve to be equal, okay? What you deserve is a fair system to compete in. The tax breaks for the rich just look so shitty. There should always be a benefit for performance. That's what makes human beings excel. There should be a benefit for performance. That's what makes human beings excel. There should be a benefit for performance. So your ideas, your socialistic nonsense, it violates human

behavior. It violates everything that we know about how people operate and how people progress. We like to compete with each other. It's fun. We like to prove that we're worthy. We like to create things that people enjoy. We like to put out a bunch of things. We like to be rewarded for that. There's nothing wrong with that. Hippies. Hippie hippie. Just because you can't run doesn't mean other people can't run. They like to put out a bunch of things. We like to be rewarded for that. There's nothing wrong with that. Hippies. Just because you can't run doesn't mean other people can't run. They want to run. Let us run. Shut up. All it seems like they've succeeded in doing is getting cops in trouble

for beating on them. We're all like one man. There should be no money, man. There should be money. There should be a fair system. It's supposed to be one piece of gold equals one donkey. It's supposed to be one piece of gold equals one donkey. It's supposed to be based on that. Yeah, but it'll still be a problem where 1% will still own all the gold. Yeah, but so fucking

what? It's a capitalist game. So is that what they're trying to get? Is that what they're trying to put a cap on it? I mean, it wouldn't be bad to put a ridiculous cap, like say you can't have more than $10 billion ever. And everything more than $10 billion, you go, yeah, you're right. Just fucking give it to charity.

And you'd just be laughing and bawling. So it wouldn't stop you from, you know, you'd still be wanting to make a lot of money if you were that dude who was out there, you know. I guess. Unless you're like, well, I've already made $10 billion. I'm out. Most of them don't get like that. Whatever makes a guy like Bill Gates become a guy like Bill Gates makes him keep working. They want more money.

Yeah. They keep working until they're old men. You know, they enjoy it. Bill Gates could have retired like with Bill Gates, makes them keep working. They want more money. Yeah. They keep working until they're old men. They enjoy it. Bill Gates could have retired with Windows 95. That would be a long time ago. He could have just sold that shit. I probably would have. He should have.

I probably would have. He should have. Well, no, you need a competitor. Windows me. Because the Mac OS X back then sucked. I mean, not OS X, before, pre-OS X, whatever it was. Before Steve Jobs started back in the day. Windows 95 was awesome.

That's the reason I didn't want to switch over to Mac, is because their OS9 and before was really hard to use. You couldn't see what was open. It was just way harder to use. I remember when John Carmack started coding for the Mac, when they first tried to port id software games over to the Mac, and he was like, oh my god, these things are crap. I remember they said there was no multitasking in the operating system no preemptive multitasking no memory protection and things are just shut down crash and he was like talking to me to make

a blog about how many times he had a reboot oh just crash but then they get that osx and it became so much better oh it's dope it's like it's the future and by the way this is only you know obviously step one there's going to be some new shit in like ten years just gonna make this look like we're playing pong when they did away with it with the with the Just drive. I was like, what are you guys doing? The no one's you know, you're idiots We had so many people when I worked at Gateway that That was right when we stopped putting disk drives in our computers. And we sold this external one that you could hook up using USB.

And people got so angry. People would come in here and go, you guys are a guy. It's change. We don't want change. They wanted floppy disks. Yeah, they wanted that. It works fine. Why are you messing with the system?

I saw one on the sidewalk the other day and I wanted to pick it up and I wonder why the fuck's on this floppy disk on the sidewalk. But I was like, wait, I don't even have a floppy disk to drive it. Hey, man, someday those are going to be fascinating. Someday they're going to be really fascinating. I just got rid of my floppy disk when I dehoarded.

You just did? Yeah, I had some old ones where I had a script on it or something. And then eventually I was like, Ari, you're never going to put this in anywhere. Just throw it away. Wow, look at that. I would have kept it. I did keep it for fucking 20 years for no reason. I had an old, old, old Mac laptop computer that was thick like a fucking brick.

And it was like a big-ass computer, but the screen inside was pretty small. And it had a trackball. I like the trackball. I like the nub. My favorite was the nub. The little nub that looks like a clip. I used to love the ThinkPads. Yeah.

IBM ThinkPads. That red dot on there that you can mess with. So when we were talking about this iPhone Karma, the idea of it being an American phone and you could actually pay for it. So you're saying that they do them in Brazil now? Yeah. Is that better? They do them in this factory in Brazil. I think they just are mixing it up because the company that is manufacturing the 4S actually had this idea in their head like how many they were going to have to make.

actually had this idea in their head like how many they were going to have to make right and they just found out but from all these pre-orders that so many people are ordering it it's about 50 percent more than they uh anticipated wow 50 percent more 50 percent more so i think what they have to do is just supply and demand like foxconn can't have an extra can't handle can't handle that especially if they're probably doing the ipad too so they're just splitting up the factories now but you know it's just like anything you do. Yeah, it's like that episode of What's Happening when Raj got that deal to print up the Christmas cards and birthday cards and stuff.

And then they gave him such a large order that they couldn't handle it and they had to go out of business. Was that a Quincy Jones tune also? Could have been anything. I can't believe you actually remember that plot. Different episodes, yeah. I never quite understood. I'm like, wait, the orders are too much.

You had to go out of business. I don't get that at all. But it made sense to them. Dynamite! They were like, it's only black people watching. Just say it. Apparently Jimmy Walker got really upset after a while and didn't want to say dynamite anymore.

Yeah, he hated it. Yeah, dynamite! He was tortured by it, I guess. Well, it's kind of weird. You probably just get sick of saying it, but you remember the old saying, where's the beef? They're now bringing that shit back now, too. That lady's long dead, by the way. Long dead. I met her once.

You met the where's the beef lady? Yeah. So lucky. No one's ever said that, ever. In all the years that woman existed till now. My mom was an executive secretary For the Wendy's Corporation In Columbus, Ohio I had a Wendy's today

Felt very guilty As far as fast food cheeseburgers go Pretty fucking sporty You feel better about that one than other ones? Yeah, it tastes better You can tell it's hot They just made it I'm pissed off at Carl's Jr. right now I hardy's on the midwest but you know that new

steak burger they show where it's this humongous steak burger with blue cheese and onion rings and it falls onto the tv and it's bouncing and beautiful and huge cgi yeah well yeah it looked like cgi exactly i just got it the other day and it looked like somebody sat on it and so i go hey this one sucks what the heck this is all smush like somebody sat on it. And so I go, hey, this one sucks. What the heck? This is all smushed. Where's all the fucking shit? So they made me a new one, and I just didn't even look. I just took it home, and I opened it up, and it was the same fucking thing.

Same thing? It was just like the most pitiful-looking fucking nasty burger. It made me mad, though. I've always said that that's like actresses. You get them home, and they're like, oh. They never look like their pictures. Yeah. Like their head shots. Oh, yeah, when they got the, oh. They never look like their pictures. Yeah. Like their head shots.

Oh, yeah. When they get the glamour shots. Some actresses are cheeseburgers. I talked to my agent about it. He said he had girls sometimes where he's like, you're quirky. If you get this head shot that makes you look like a model, you're going to be brought in for stuff you'll never book. What's wrong with you?

Girls always want to be hot. Put glasses on. They want to be hot, dude. Yeah. Even their pictures. They want to be the best friend. They don't want to be wacky. The wacky best friend.

How did the redhead from your show and from Suddenly Susan deal with that? Well, the one from Suddenly Susan started hanging around with a bunch of gay dudes. So you've got to draw that way. Kathy Griffin. She's killing them. She's killing them on the road, too. Gays love her. Well, everybody loves her.

She's funny. She's really funny. She's cool, too. I like her. And then Vicky, she does a lot of Broadway. Really? Wow. Like real acting?

Yeah. She's an amazing singer. She's got an incredible voice. I think that's probably her first love. Oh, probably. And she's like, oh, I've got money now. But she's always on sitcoms and stuff, too. That's cool.

I wonder how they deal with that, though. It's tough. It's like, okay, I'm going to be quirky. It's okay. I know I was the cute girl when I grew up, but in L.A., the look's a little different. Vicky had a hot body, though. Really? Vicky Lewis, yeah.

She's a dancer. She had a hot body. That's nice. She's quirky, but she's dancers. I rolled by this high school on the way over here, and they were playing lacrosse, and all these high school girls had their short shorts on. Oh, Shazam, son. And their socks and their little shorts.

God, it was so funny. They had the best legs. Isn't it funny that that's like, you know, you for sure shouldn't fuck them, okay? It's not right. You're an old man and they're young. And, you know, you shouldn't. Yeah, I guess.

But, but, but, but, but. But. Why is, why, what's going on here? Then explain what's happening to my penis. Yeah, what, when do we. Explain that. Because something is happening. We make a cutoff at 18.

And that arbitrary cutoff means that this girl can handle it. All right, look, I know you're just going to fuck her and forget her. But now it's legal. Go. Go. At 18. Boom. The bell rings.

We've decided that enough time has gone by. The chicken is hatched. This is it. It's ready for delivery. Go. Run. You just run and the moment the clock ticks 12, you can shove your cock in it. But if you put it in 5 minutes before the clock ticks 12, they can lock you

in a fucking cage. Can you rub it on the outside until 12? No. You can't even do that. You can't even talk about it on a podcast. You can't even talk about it on a podcast. So for the record, this girl that we're talking about is 23 and just looks really young yeah no what we're talking about is when a person turns 18 that's what we're talking about god damn yeah it's just weird that we have like a little fucking it is weird especially when you see those girls that are 17 you're like you look like you're 26

i live by a horse stable so there's all these really hot rich chicks that have uh that have horses so i'll be in starbucks just waiting in line and just some of them man with their little horse boots on and their little horse outfits and you're just looking i'm going god damn it this is not fair this is really not rude it's rude it's not what i want to be in that girls don't get that though girls don't look at 15 year old boys and go women don't do that oh yeah give me that young experience only teachers look at like a 29 year old guy 30 year old guy usually something like that right right you know because the men's power is right around that age when girls they're at their best when they're 17

yeah if anyone is past that you've gone downhill so that's why you feel the way you do and notice those girls never look at us and be like oh my my god, is that man boobs? Oh, yeah. You know, it doesn't go the other way. Little girls do not like older men in their 30s. Well, they do if they're not molested. Oh, yeah. If they've been molested, they do. And please Facebook me if you have.

Holla at Ari. He's the guy to sort out your issues. Yeah. I know you've got problems. Ari's got solutions. What's that guy from Lost, though? The producer guy that just married that 16-year-old in Hawaii? I thought he was an actor.

Was he an actor? Yeah. I forget who he was. He was in Lost. He wasn't part of it, really. Yeah, he wasn't a big part. But yeah, the girl's tweets are goddamn hilarious. Oh, they're awesome.

Her videos are awesome, too. I don't know if you watch her YouTube. She's 16 or 17 now, and she talks about Jesus And then talks about how dirty and naughty She has to be punished Her name is Courtney Stodden Follow this crazy bitch Yeah I shouldn't call her a bitch

Because she's only 16 16 Follow this crazy child She's 17 now Damn but all her pictures are her In her bikini Poking her tits out She was all alliteration in her tweets too

And Oh yeah yeah And she's very funny My cotton candy body You gotta watch the videos, Jim. You've got to watch the videos. Listen, this is her updates. The sugary taste of satisfaction is bliss.

Oh. Dude, I went to a US. Take the adventure inside of yourself, and you will be victorious. And then it has a wink smile. Like, holy shit. Imagine the nonsense you have to listen to before she'll blow you. So much nonsense. This poor guy.

Even though he's 51 and she's 16, and he really should be in jail. Wait, where did they get married? Where is that legal? Vegas. Powerful Vegas. I thought it was Hawaii. Powerful Vegas. I think she's from Hawaii.

You're allowed to get married in Vegas at 16? The weird thing is... Why are there state laws for that? Why don't they have a national standard for that? They have weird ones, like New Mexico. I think man to boy is like 13. Man to boy? Yeah.

They don't protect the young boys. They don't protect them in New Mexico. You guys are smart about that. I might have made that up. No, it's fact. I love that when you say that, I'm like, I'm going to get a call on that, and I really don't know. I was like 70% sure. I know it was a fact at one point in time that one state had that.

I thought it was New Mexico, and I was using it in this piece that I was writing about Catholics and how weird it is that they take Catholics when they get accused of child molesting and they just ship them out of state, and they do it on a regular basis. Yeah. And I was wondering, you know, maybe they ship them to places where the laws were different. I'm like, what law would be different? And then I found out that New Mexico was one that had a weird law. it's like men to woman was like 16 but men to boy was like 13 and like whoa who are that catholics you hear how your organization is acting totally go ahead stay

in it making my own connection and so that's why but i i remember reading all these different various state laws like you have to be careful you have to drag a girl across a certain spot in the dirt oh yeah if you also take someone underage across state border yeah even if you live close to the border like you know it's just going over there like kentucky and cincinnati when they just sort of intertwine they're right next to each other the kentucky airport is or the cincinnati airport's in kentucky oh yeah you know it's it's real bizarre so like there you who if what's the age in canada it's lower there too right right? I think it's 16. 16. Might be 17, age of consent.

18 is right. A girl's 18. She's a little hooker. She's out on her own. Hopefully you've taught her to be nice. She's not going to have a great memory of this, but it'll help her grow. Yeah, look. Everybody's had awkward sexual moments.

Hopefully she's around nice people and nothing bad happens to her. Of course, everybody wants that. But at a certain point in time, you've got to let a person be a person. And what year is that? Yeah, what year is that? Is it 19?

Is it 20? Also, it ain't that bad to have sex with somebody you want to have sex with when you're 18. Yeah, like someone said this to me, like, well,

you know, how are you going to treat your daughters when they start dating? I go, they're girls. Girls like boys. Girls like boys and boys like girls.

It's my job to make sure that they see what a nice guy is like you know where that question comes from that question comes from the ideal that you're like no any sort of sex is victimization of woman well it's also the idea of someone shoving their cock in your baby okay it's not just that you raise this child since there's this little because it's like it's like something bad that's going to happen to them but it's sort of it's also just you're losing the the innocence of youth, even if they want it. What about a guy shoving his cock into a girl?

That same sort of innocence of youth. Nah, it doesn't matter if the guy loses it. If the guy loses it, it's like a celebration. When the girl loses it, it's like, my baby's sucking cock in the back of my hand. Yeah, because you feel like something bad is happening to her. Yeah, if you're a parent and you come outside and you see a foggy car and you peer in and your daughter's sucking some guy's cock yeah that's gonna bum you out man oh yeah definitely it's gonna bum you out dude i don't even like seeing it if it's like someone that like i know and sort of not like have a crush on but sort of just like as a human

like if i saw eleanor fucking blowing some guy in a car i'd be like whoa well you know this girl had to get permission from her father, too. Oh, really? She had to get signed over? Yeah. And her mother and father had no problem with her marrying this dude. Eleanor is a perfect example for that. This is exactly what I was thinking of.

She's going to be fascinating. This girl, this 16-year-old? She's so fascinating already. She's like, whatever it is, she's off the deep end crazy. Man. Like, if you could get, like, a fucking, one of those helmets that records brainwaves and put it on a chick's head, it would just

be, like, 4th of July in there. Everything just going in all sorts of different directions. What if the whole thing's viral marketing? Oh, just her? She's the next lonely girl 18 or whatever. They said she puts out a lot of tweets that are really interesting. She's a Joaquin Phoenix of hot chicks.

Yeah. She's just hiring a staff of writers. It's just a troll. Yeah, I don't think so, dude. I think she's a nutty bitch. That's what I think. She's just a hot, young, nutty girl. There's so many crazies now, and they're exploited.

It's working. It's working. We're talking about it. We're on this podcast. Half a million people are listening to this right now. It's interesting because it's so weird.ies now and they're exploited. It's working. We're talking about it. We're on this podcast. Half a million people are listening to this right now. It's interesting because it's so weird. Follow her tweets though. Who cares if she... Listen, man, you ain't giving her anything. Follow her tweets.

These bitches... It doesn't do anything. It just entertains you. Her videos are fucking hilarious. She talks about haters and stuff. She's a retard. It's a good stuff. Idiot. Wild wiggling and jauntily jiggling myself into jolting jams as i friskily flaunt a flirty outfit completed with sexy white seven inch go-go boots wink she got that in 140 characters yep all of it bitch knows how to write she goes a little

much she's wise beyond her age. Yeah. Like Fiona Apple. It's probably her husband writing it. When do you think we're going to see the sex tape? Because it's going to be illegal. Isn't that fascinating?

Not if she turns 18. Then, if she makes it then. But she has to be 18. Yeah, when she makes it. And we have to make sure, they would have to make sure that this... She would have to have

a newspaper in the video. Yeah, a newspaper and a clock. Yeah. And as soon as it strikes midnight and she hits 18, he shoves it in there and just starts monkey fucking her. Can you imagine that if that would be the video? There's a countdown. The first five minutes of the video is just four minutes and 59 seconds.

Four minutes and 58 seconds. An underage is in a porno, but she's not doing any porn until she's 18. Yeah, well, she sits there with her ass up in the air with her pants on. Maybe playing with blocks on the ground or something. With her hands on her button, the moment it hits one, zero. Bang. Slop.

He comes running in like a fucking linebacker. Doosh. Dick right in the pussy. Pow. They should do that. They haven't done that already. Yeah, they should do it. Most ridiculous porn of all time. Hey, porn producers, get on it. Do you think there's ever anyone who's done a porn and that porn was the first time they had sex?

Yes. For sure. It must be, right? It should be a brother and a sister. Twin brother and sister. I would like to see that, though. They're both sitting there at 11.59. Verifiable.

Verifiable. I would love to see someone have sex for the first time on camera yeah if I knew it was real but first time is not that good right no first time is just like

what the hell are we doing but from a voyeuristic standpoint it'd be interesting to watch is that what you're all about Ari what I'll show you my third time if you want to you have your third time on tape

yeah ew it's horrible it was last week he's got a fucking camera set up at his house ate a bunch of tribulus and got in there have you ever taped yourself taped myself yeah no It was last week. He had a fucking camera set up at his house. He ate a bunch of tribulus and got in there.

Have you ever taped yourself? Tape myself? Yeah. No. And you have? That's bad for you, dude. Yeah. That shit gets on the internet. I never have.

Well, luckily it's on. Even the days before the internet? You don't like the way your body looks naked? Do I not? Yeah. No, it just seems like a lot of setup time. I just want to fuck. It's very creepy.

And you watch it a bunch. You see your butthole and stuff. I'm definitely, if I were to do it again, I would do the other way around. There's no reason to see your butthole. You don't like your angles. I was horrible at angles. Horrible at angles?

You didn't know how to work the MySpace thing? Plus, it was on a waterbed, so it was just really creepy looking. It was just buttholes and motions and bad. People have started up their own porn sites, too. There's a bunch of them where it was guys and their wives, and they would just fuck on camera. Why not? It was real common.

Remember Wifey's World? That was one of them. That's still around, isn't it? Is it? Or did they get divorced? But the problem is once you realize, oh, I can just fake these and make a bunch of money. She might actually be a hot old milf by now, but she's probably in her late 40s, I think. That ain't good.

Because this was a long time ago that this was going on. But it was all videos of this guy. You never saw the guy, but his wife just blowing him. She's just constantly sucking on the same cock. And there's another one where there was IDeepThroat.com. Remember that? Same thing. That girl and her husband.

A lot of porn stars do that. Like, I'll only fuck my boyfriend now. Yeah. That's the only thing. That girl and her husband. A lot of porn stars do that. Like, I'll only fuck my boyfriend now. Yeah. That's the only guy. That shit's boring to us girls. Either you're a whore or you're not. Commit. It seems like you're liking this.

I'm tuning out. Yeah. Ew. What are you, really in love with that guy? How strange. Yeah, that's horrible shit. How's your smoking, buddy? Smoking? Your smoking, buddy. Oh, that's horrible shit. How's your smoking, buddy? Smoking?

Your smoking, buddy. Oh, Jaden James. That's just fine. My smoking buddy. That's great. Isn't it weird being friends with porno stars and then you see their work? Isn't that strange? Yeah, I know you.

Still something's happening. It makes masturbation easier, though. It makes masturbation easier? Yeah, because you're hanging out with somebody and you're like oh i could actually see what this girl looks like having sex now and that's you know yeah hmm because you hung out with i normally when i know when i know somebody who has a point i'll avoid it on purpose like i don't want to fucking see this but then i remember after jayden wouldn't fuck me that night when i came home i was like i look beat off to you yeah what happened was uh What happened was Ari thought he was going to get some.

And she was going to come over Ari's. Or you were going to go over hers? I went over to her place, yeah. And you were going to smoke weed together. And Ari's like, oh, shit. Smoke weed at 2 a.m. Smoke weed at 2 a.m. with a hot porn star. So he's like, oh, shit.

It's on, kid. And she got over there. She's like, Ari, no. Listen, I'm in my panties, but that's just how I roll. Well, most of them are actually not as horny and crazy as Brie Olsen. I want to meet Brie Olsen because Brie Olsen seems like in real life she'll fuck the janitor. That's what it is. She wants to seem like that.

I think Norton shot a load into her. In Brie Olsen? Yeah. Well, actually, I think he pulled out. But I think she said that he could have come inside of her, but I think he panicked. Oh, wow. I talked to J.J. James on my podcast. Yeah yeah how was that oh yeah let's talk about that too because you got a um a podcast that's out on its own now it's not under the death squad label anymore brian and ari got a divorce we got divorced but we're all in the

same family we wanted to start i want to do more at home and stuff and on the road yeah he so he got a whole setup and everything and we actually used that setup on a plane. It was pretty fucking cool. Yeah. That was really good, dude. It came out. Like, the setup is nice. Yeah.

And I'm going to start duplicating that. Handheld mic sounds. Yeah, handheld mics. Sennheisers with a mic cover. And it'd connect right into one of those zooms. Right. So, you know, it's good stuff, man. But she was on the podcast and actually talked about going home. Let's tell people what it is. It's Ari Shaffir's Skeptic Tank. Ari Shaffir's Skeptic stuff, man. But she was on the podcast and actually talked about going home.

It was weird seeing it in real life. Ari Shafir Skeptic Tank. Ari Shafir Skeptic Tank, yeah. If you go to arithegreat.com, everything's on there. So what did she do? You guys talked about it, like going home that night. It was kind of uncomfortable because it was like hearing her side of it. Her side is completely fine.

It's like, you know, I had no intention of ever fucking you. I'm allowed to not fuck people I don't want to fuck like yeah that sounds reasonable but why is my dick still dry why is my dick still dry listen I saw you

let that black guy fuck in your asshole yeah she's hardcore just let me have your mouth it was pretty fun actually she was talking about doing a gangbang and she's never done that before

and she really wanted to that was one of her goals she wants to do a gangbang she did it finally right right? Oh god. And I was just like... How many people was it? 4,000. Do you remember? I don't remember. What is her name again? Let's find out. Jaden James.

J-A-Y. The normal spelling of Jaden. J-A-Y-D-E-N. Point stars love Y. And they like the word Jaden. Love the letter Y. Makes them feel like a little girl again let's see um which one are you looking for gangbang j oh oh there's a bunch of without one two three four and it's not that many it's like 10 dudes are banging our hands

there's a lot of dudes we fucking at once a lot of guys wouldn't do that in a year like how first of all how dare this bitch deny you after you see this? How dare she? Have you seen the Dana Dierman gangbang? That scared me a little. Why? Because she looked like she was almost about to black out from so much choking and cocks. Yeah, and then afterwards she was crying and saying how amazing it was. I just want to tell everybody that I love them. I love you all.

It's amazing. I can't wait for people to see this. Wow. She's an awesome. I hung out with her the other day. She's so awesome. She's funny too, man. She was really funny on the podcast. We did the podcast with her, dude.

She's a funny chick. She says funny shit. She refuses to post on your message board anymore. There's so many people. You can't be a porn star on a message board. There's no way. That's the thing. Too many people wouldn't know the right line. Well, you know what it is, man? It's just that they're

anonymous and it's too easy to just fucking poke. Too easy to be a dick. Yeah, but even, you know the comedy story, like late at night, someone will have a girl on stage and she'll be like, it'll be getting kind of weird. And hopefully, we're all hoping she takes her shirt off. Like that's the end goal. But someone will like, so whoever's

on stage, let's say Bear's on stage. Show us your tits, whore. PJ. PJ. And you'll be like, PJ, you're ruining it. Would you just understand the line we've all agreed on here? Yeah.

Show us your tits, you fucking whore. Right off the bat. Yeah. Now she's just, now she's clammed up. Yeah, you have to trust a lot of people.

You can't, only a few ruins it. Well, I have, who knows how many thousands of members on my message board. It's impossible.'s impossible and too many of them are douchebags unfortunately i know and people you know people got upset that i said there was a lot of negativity on the board like hey man people got angry about being negative well that i said it that i said like there's we had a conversation about how many negative people are on the board but

you're fucking negative yeah and we're not lying we're not lying you guys are you guys are tiresome and it's not everybody there's a lot of really cool smart people there i mean we've met a bunch of them in person like the savage science dude that guy's cool as fuck johnny rotten's cool as fuck there's a lot of cool people it's not wick is great i hung out with wick in houston dude wick and his mom i drank with wick and his mom in houston really in hr yeah yeah yeah yeah. Cool fucking people, man. That was back in the day.

And we did have negative people back in the day. It was like one or two people that we dealt with, but now it's like so many. It's the numbers. The numbers are just so big. And some of the MMA influence. Yeah, that's a problem. Those guys come in with that attitude. There's so many douchebags.

And they want to get into arguments, too. There's some guys that are just professional trolls Like that's all they do Is they just say things hoping to upset your feelings And hoping to drag you into some sort of an argument And then you're there I got in a fight with fucking Francesca Hilton the other day And I was so mad at letting myself Who's that?

You remember that crate? She's like Zsa Zsa Gabor's granddaughter or something Remember her? She used to Zsa Zsa Gabor's granddaughter or something, or daughter. Remember her? She used to hang out at the store. Oh, yeah. She's crazy. And then Mitzi eventually made her a paid regular

for who knows why. And so she hangs around. Oh, wow. Now I do remember. She's kind of a big girl. Yeah, big. Just super attention whore. Like, needs it.

Needs it. So she was in the showroom the other day and she was making noise. Embarrassed. She was on stage. And he said something to me from on stage of like, oh, look, a Jew's coming or something like that.

And I was like, I have one question. Why is she in here making noise during a show? I don't understand why this stupid idiot is making noise and not being thrown out. And then while I was on, she took a phone call. She keeps moving up. The phone rang. She was like, sorry. I'm like, shut the fuck off.

You fucking bitch. Shut it the fuck off. How many people were in the audience? 25, 30, something like that. It was just like, what are you doing here? Why are you in the showroom? And she was like, my mother is dying. And I'm like, you're a fucking cunt. You need to die. And I'm like, why am I fighting

with an idiot? God damn it. I'd leave my life so I don't have to get drawn into this shit. Your mother's a cunt? What'd you say? What? What'd you tell her? She said her mom's dying. And I said, I hope you die. You're a cunt. Whoa. I know her mom. I would never attack her mom. What are What'd you tell her? She said her mom's dying and I said, I hope you die. You're a cunt. Whoa. I know her mom. I would never attack her mom. What are you guys talking about?

I don't even understand what you're saying. It makes no sense. Whoa. R, you need to sit down and talk to this person. No, I just need to never be involved with her. You have iPhone karma, don't you? Unresolved issues, bro. I have karma. What do you think about the fact that this person is in your life to move you in a certain direction

I felt so bad about it why did I let her have any control over me I know it's a terrible thing when you let your anger get away from you there was a douchey security guard in Houston and this lady was like so rude and they tried to like move me through to get me into the arena

I had my pass on me and she was like I don't care I need I had my pass on me. She was like, I don't care. I don't care. I need to find his name on the list. I was like, wow. The tone. You're so pleasant to deal with. I'm so glad we got you. You have to listen to me thing. After everybody told them everything's cool,

show the ID, we got the badges on and have the names on it and all the designations. Finally, after that, she informs me that we have to wear wristbands. So she's, and I got to put it on you. Can I put it on myself? I have it in my hand.

She goes, no, you cannot do it yourself. I will put it on you, sir. And then the guy's like, you're disrespecting her, man. You're disrespecting her. I go, I'm disrespecting her by trying to put this paper. I go, you guys are power tripping. I go, this is ridiculous. I go, I'm just trying to go to work put this paper. I go, you guys are power tripping. I go, this is ridiculous. I go, I'm just trying to go to work.

You want me to wear the paper wristband? I'll wear the paper wristband. But you have to put it on me? What the fuck, man? That's the problem when those people get put in charge. Exactly. Like if you work at Starbucks, you shouldn't be in control of throwing somebody out. It was so gross.

It's gross when people power trip on you. When people just act like dicks. And it's one thing if you're following the rules. And there was another lady that we dealt with on the other side, you know, and show your ID, go through the whole thing. And she was very pleasant in the way she did it. And how are y'all doing this afternoon? I'm like, good. How are you doing?

Everything good? Everything's good. Let's just check up here real quick and say your name. Yeah. Oh, gosh, I know you should not. All right, well, here's your ID. Go on through. And that's all, you know. The. You should not. All right, well, here's your ID. Go on through. And that's all.

How hard is that? How hard is that to do? I got a security guard at one of the UFCs. I think it was in Nashville. And I was sitting up in those seats near you. Because no one was there. I didn't know anybody there. And I went back to get something to eat.

And when I came back, she goes, do you have a pass? I'm like, I don't really have one at all. And she goes, I'll try to remember you. And next time I went back there, I got her a fucking Pepsi. Nice. Yeah. She was like, you saw me walking with this guy. You know I, I'll try to remember you. And next time I went back there, I got her a fucking Pepsi. Nice. She was like, you saw me walking with this guy. You know I'm cool. It's alright. You're being a regular human being. Good for you. Yeah. She was totally red. That's the move, too. You should get him

something. Yeah. Give him a little treat. You're noticeably cooler than someone else. I'd love to help you out. You look thirsty. This makes me feel joy. Make their night a little shiny. Yeah, exactly. We bring a little shininess to their night. Do it to each other. Oh, da, da, da, da, da. other dude i'm taking my cd in two weeks where is he's gonna do in edmonton edmonton alberta canada canada yeah gather around where the comic strip and what are the exact dates the october 26th through the 30th october 26th through the 30th edmontmonton. Let's make this happen. Let's make this happen.

Can people buy tickets online already? Yeah. Yes, actually. Thecomicstrip.ca. Thecomicstrip.ca. That's their version of.com. And again, for the people slow to write this down, when is the date? The date is October 26th through the 30th.

26th through the 30th. And what days are you going to do the CD? I think all of them. I'm not sure. Definitely the weekend. That's a good move. You should try to put everything down. Yeah, yeah. Try to put everything you have down. I mean, you have, the weekend. That's a good move. You should try to put everything down. Yeah, yeah. Try to put everything you have down.

I mean, you have, over the course of the years that I've known you, you've rotated acts a few times. So many times. It's like, I'm just tired of it. I'm sick of it. Well, you know, it's funny. Like, we were talking about that one bit that you have that you had a line that I said, how come you don't lose that? And you're like, actually, that was from another bit.

I was like, oh, yeah. You're like, they're kind of the same bit. It's just one little overlap of a line. I'll just say, it's like like why did you come inside me i have a few girls and a few different stories having said that to me yeah that's yeah both anally and otherwise you're like that reaction was so much better like yeah at the time that yeah you know i've been doing though i've been recording a lot of my stuff and like listening to it like with a mind with in mind like can i see this stuff yeah and i'm like i can't do that bit can't do that bit right can't do that line that's okay you can do it anyway you're wrong you can do some of it when it's when it's like a full act out what i'm like there's a minute and a half here well

you just explain it after you do it for the poor fucks that have this on cd yeah what i just did was you know reach down and grab my dick whatever actually uh come see me live dane and he was really cool about it oh he's like you do a lot of physical CDs. Right. Like that's, you know, he's a physical comic who's got a lot of audio CDs. I'm like, what are you? And he goes, after my first CD, I had to go back and say no more act outs. I can't see any of this on stage.

Really? I don't know. Yeah. We were like, he said no more Godzilla act out. I'm assuming that's something like for like a five minute long thing where it's like, man, this makes no sense in CD form. That's interesting. Yeah. I think, you know.

He said it would always justify what he was doing with his words, somehow, like, you know, to help illustrate it. That's smart. Yeah. That's smart. But some people just love, like, they're just a plain physical comedy. And even though you don't understand what the fuck is going on when you're listening to the CD, sometimes it's okay.

Yeah. But here's my thoughts on it. Like, there's some words, because Steve Simone said this. He goes goes when i remember when i was listening to cds there were some things i couldn't see i know he made a funny face there right but it'd be like i love this and i so wish i could also see it live so i could be there but they didn't lose anything out of it like damn it i know it's a cool funny face yeah there's nothing quite like yeah being live at a stand-up show even if there's 40 people in the room it's still better than any cd or special and i think that yeah and I think that really if you're going to record a CD, if you're going to record a special, the real way to do it is 200 people. That's not what anybody ever wants to hear.

Everybody wants to do these big, giant fucking. I think that's what this place is, around that. 200 people? Yeah, the comic strip. It's perfect. First CD I ever did was the Laugh Stop in Houston. How big was that? The old Laugh Stop. 250 maybe.

I think we got 300 people in there one day. But it goes off. They stuffed folding chairs everywhere. They go off. Yeah, man. On a different level than like an auditorium. Yeah. I mean, I just did the Verizon Wireless Theater in Houston.

It was fucking awesome. And it's huge. That place is gigantic. But I hadn't been in Houston forever. So there was a lot of energy there it was a lot for me it was like a big this is like that's an important city for me yes isn't it weird that you get stuck in your head like i gotta make a show for these people i'm like why like i don't know i just there's something in me you're gonna go back to a comedy club there soon yeah i might

i might go back to that comedy club when i when i put my special out um after i'm done uh with this special i'm gonna have to write some new shit. And I'll spend a lot more time doing clubs and a lot less time doing theaters. Because in clubs, it's way easier to come up with new shit. It's a more experimental environment when there's like 200 to 300 people. The acoustics at a place like that must be creepy. What place? Like a giant place?

A big giant place. It's kind of like echoey? Sort of. I don't know. Sort of. I mean, it's all about the sound system. It's so weird how if a crowd is up against the wall like if it goes all the way to the outside walls laughter bounces i'm making this part up but it seems like it bounces harder and everyone laughs more but when there's space in between the wall or the ceiling yes ceilings it doesn't go off

as much because you're not surrounded by this laughter yeah like um the perfect example is the right and the wrong way to do it it's's Cobbs. Cobbs in San Francisco. Cobbs, the old Cobbs, was 150 fucking seats. I was going to say, I'm not that into that room. That room's okay, but it's like, meh. The old room. The old room, yeah. It was ridiculous.

You only played once on a Wednesday. Did you really? Yeah, just on like best of San Francisco night. It was a great room. It was a great room. It was real small, and it was one of the few rooms that I would do for cheap because I knew that I would go up there and have a real good time. And I knew this would be a good place to fuck around, work on my material.

Give me a shitty wage, but make it a good show. Yeah, but they went from that to a giant place. Now their place is like 450 with a big high ceiling and a balcony. It's too high, and the balcony goes back. The balcony is too far back. Yeah, so you're really far away. But it's so cool that it doesn't even matter. It's still really great.

The crowds are great. The crowds are fantastic. The build of it is not perfect. So there's two places to me that are super important. Three places. Boston's, because I started there. San Francisco and Houston. Those are the two places.

And why Houston just goes? Houston's where I did my first CD. That pink thing on the wall back there, the Warner Brothers one. I got a deal with Warner Brothers. They were going to really push this. It was a really good deal. Really? And then Disney bought them.

Something Disney. Oh, really? Pretty sure Disney bought them. Yeah, it was Disney. And then what? They didn't promote my CD at all. They listened to it. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about?

The opening bit is two guys fucking each other in the basement while they're working out yeah i remember that getting pumped they heard that i mean i wanted everybody to hear that one i wanted that to be the first track i wanted it to be something that i could only do like they what they would said well do you think about doing a song i said yeah i'll do a song and they said what do you think about doing like a sketch and i said okay i'll come up with a sketch so i decided i want to come up with something that's so fucked up, you can't have it anywhere else. Anywhere else but that.

It has to be. Joe, will you ever re-release that? Or are you not allowed to? I think you can still buy it. It's really hard. And it's always the CD that's not on the iTunes. That's not on iTunes? I don't believe that one is.

That should all be available otherwise. Oh, really? Yeah. I think I've tried to find it a couple times. In Spotify and all that kind of stuff. I think there's some good material on it. You're a better comic now, but you were still really a comic, though. Yeah, I was right.

People will get joy out of that. Yeah, it's good stuff. I mean, I was really proud of it when it came out. And I was really proud that I did it in Houston. Because Houston was my number one favorite comedians are Sam Kinison and Bill Hicks. Those are my two favorite guys. They're both from Houston. So for me being able

to sell out in Houston and pack this place, I was like, wow. Man, I love Kinison. He was the best. He was my favorite. I think out of all... Let me see. The stuff he does makes me go like, wow. This is so good. Out of all the great guys i feel like he just had this completely different approach

like i remember watching him the first time i watched him going oh that's comedy too yeah oh you know they're opening up a new club in san diego too really justin hollister yeah yeah this is my city's in here man yeah there's been a couple times where I've wanted to isn't that the one with the song on it your awesome song

yeah Voodoo Panini like I've wanted to play that for people and I'm like oh I'll find it on iTunes oh wait I'll find it on this

and it's not on anything well I'll have them put it on I'll figure out a way to put it on I'm sure Warner Brothers probably owns it that's what it is

but it's not as good as like I said my delivery's not nearly as good as it is now. It's funny. Real fans like to get everything. Yeah. Comedy is weird like that, though. I liked having something when I was 27 years old.

Well, the same thing as musicians. You ever hear old albums of a band before they sign with a major album, and you're like, eh, I see where you were going, but you're not there yet. But it's still like, I'd want to have it. And that, to me, that CD represents a sort of an awakening

that I had with stand-up comedy, too, because I was doing news radio. And when I was doing news radio, there was a long time where I got fucking really lazy, man. And I wasn't writing any new material. Oh, yeah, you talked about that once.

I was just being lazy. I was just doing the TV show. And when I was doing the TV show, I'd get tired from doing it. And then I would fuck off. And I wouldn't write any new shit. So you just do the same stuff? Yeah.

My act got really stale. And then some writers from the show came to see me, and I bombed. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. With old stuff? At the store, yeah.