The Joe Rogan Experience - #1468 - Alonzo Bodden

Episode Date: May 1, 2020

Alonzo Bodden is a stand up comedian and also the winner of Last Comic Standing Season 3. Check out his podcast called “Who’s Paying Attention" on Spotify.

One. Hello, Alonzo Bowden. Joe, I am negative. I know, but you're positive. I'm positive. I'm a positive person. Life is good, but the test is negative. Which, that's always what you want to hear after a medical test.

Yeah, basically. The test is negative. I'm trying to think, is there any one where you want to hear the results were positive? I think you always want to hear, yeah, this one came up negative. Yeah, how come no diseases ever make us better? There's not a disease that's like a Marvel comic book where you catch it. Yeah.

How come I can't get hit with gamma radiation? Right. Like, look what happened to the Hulk and Spider-Man. Every time I get mad at somebody, just Hulk out. But, you know, they never show, like, everyday things with the Hulk. Like, suppose he's in a car. Right? Now your car, the Hulk just grew, tore up your car. Now hello State Farm.

Yeah, you're not going to believe what just happened to my car. Yeah, the concept of the Hulk that's on all the time annoys the shit out of me. You know that he's the Hulk now constantly 24 hours a day? Yeah, yeah. And then he's smart? Right, the intelligent Hulk. Come on. So he's Bruce Banner all the time.

He's Bruce Banner, but he's also the Hulk. I am. Fuck. We were talking about reading, which is what I'm doing now. And I got this book. It's like 10 years of the Hulk. It's like 1,000 pages of Hulk comics. A 10-year run.

And the story is, it's great. It's the gray Hulk who was smart But not like the movie one, but he was smarter than a regular one And he really he would only change at night like a vampire like a werewolf. Yeah, so it's like hey This is just how much free time I have Joe They probably missed Mark Ruffalo's acting he's such a good actor Yeah, they didn't have enough room for him to just I mean There's so many people in that movie right you got Captain America. You got all these fucking people you got Iron Man

He probably probably like Mark Ruffalo isn't just not talking enough. Yes most of the time we need him as the Hulk So I got an idea right yes somebody Mark Ruffalo the Hulk all his time the Hulk has glasses now. He has fucking glasses His glasses it's so ridiculous All the time. The Hulk has glasses now. He has fucking glasses. He has glasses. It's so ridiculous. No, the whole idea, you fucks, is supposed to be that he's a really smart guy and then he's basically a monster. A monster with unlimited strength. Like unlimited power. Who talks like Hulk Smash.

Right. He's not smart. Right. Like in the Thor movie where he's working as a fighter and he has like a room and he's taking baths and stuff like that. What was that movie? Ragnarok? I didn't see that one. You didn't see that one? Yeah. Where the Hulk is a fighter. He's like a gladiator, but he's treated like a hero and he has all the gladiator stuff, you know, and it's like, yeah, the Hulk wouldn't be doing that. Like the Hulk would just be smashing and destroying. Yeah, I need to watch that one.

Oh, see, I didn't see this movie. Damn, that looks dope. Oh, it's fun. Yeah, that's one of the—no, this is one of the funny ones, man. You got to see that one. So the Hulk goes to battle, spoiler alert, with Thor? Yeah. Oh, Jesus. But the Hulk's like a gladiator, and Thor ends up on the island, and Thor ends up in

the ring with him. But it's dumb Hulk, right? Dumb Hulk's good Hulk. You don't want smart Hulk. No, he's not fully dumb. He's not scientist Hulk, but? Dumb Hulk's good Hulk. You don't want smart Hulk. No, he's not fully dumb. He's not scientist Hulk, but he's smart enough to hold conversations.

What a mismatch that would be if it was real. I mean, are you fucking kidding me, Thor? Just relax. I don't, how much did you, how much Marvel were you into growing up? Love did.

Yeah, I didn't like DC that much, but I was a giant Marvel guy. Because I was a big Marvel guy. And I tell people one of the big things, and they brought it up in the first Avenger movie, and this was a storyline. I remember this. The Hulk could never fight Thor because they were both so strong they would destroy the planet. Because the Hulk's strength was unlimited because the madder he got, the stronger he got. And Thor's a god, which is something they never play in the movies.

But in the comic books, every now and then Thor would remind him, like, I'm a god. Yeah. I can destroy the whole planet. Like, that's what my dad is the god. But that's the problem. If he's a god, then what the fuck is Captain Marvel? Because that chick trumps everybody. Yeah.

She comes down and everybody's going to sit the fuck down. Mom's here. She's the superhero mom. Captain Marvel's the number one superhero. Yeah, she's the most powerful. If you want to save the world, you call her. In that last one, when Thor went to where he got the new axe

made, that was like he was controlling a sun. Wasn't it like the power of a son was good you know it's really and and this is what i love and this is what what why women laugh at us because we're having this discussion oh yeah for sure but it's also what makes uh what what is the the the really pretty girl's name the She's Scarlett Johansson. What is her character? Black Widow.

But she just kicks ass, right? She's just like a UFC girl. She doesn't have any power. It's like Valentina Shevchenko hanging out with Iron Man. Right? That's what it's like. She's Valentina Shevchenko's UFC strawweight champion. That's what it's like.

And the other thing is she has a gun, but no one they fight can be killed with bullets. I'm sorry. She's a flyweight champion. no one they fight can be killed with bullets. I'm sorry, she's a flyweight champion. She's strong. Yeah, no one can be killed with bullets. And how about the dude, Jeremy Renner's character? Right, Hawkeye. He's got a bow and arrow.

Yeah. That is ridiculous. But he has a lot of special arrows. But he doesn't even have a gun. Yeah, at some point. You're fighting off aliens. Like you're fighting aliens and you got a bow and arrow. It's like, man, you've skipped generations of weapons technology. Yeah, and he seems to never run out of arrows.

It's amazing. That's the superpower. The imbalance in superpower is so crazy. You can have a guy with a bow and arrow or the fucking Hulk. Right. Hawkeye has no superhuman powers with the exception of the period when using prim particles to become Goliath. Okay, whatever, dorks. Okay.

He's at the very peak of human conditioning. Sure is. He's an exceptional fencer, acrobat, and a grandmaster marksman having been trained from childhood in a circus by the criminals. Trick shot and oh boy. Well, I'm a big Jeremy Renner fan. I like that guy a lot however we have to be realistic about superpowers you got the hulk on one hand you got captain marvel on another hand and a dude who's like uh an acrobat yeah hawkeye good at shooting shit i think hawkeye's limit is

fighting crime right like criminals hawkeye could down, but when superpowers and aliens and stuff come in, that's when you got to make some phone calls. Well, I just can't buy aliens coming at you and you're shooting them with a bow and arrow. No. They came here from another planet, you shot with a bow and arrow? Come on. Come on. Yeah. Well, who else?

Well, Captain America, he's just really strong. Yeah, but superhuman. Yeah, superhuman strength. Part of an experiment. Right. But he's bulletproof, isn't he? No. No?

No, he can be hurt. But he heals really quick or something? No, he can be hurt. But doesn't he heal real quick? No. What's his name? Wolverine. Wolverine heals instantly.

I thought Captain America had one of them jammies, too. I don't think like Wolverine. He probably heals quicker or could take more pain or something than most. Captain America okay, has agility strength, speed, endurance, and reaction time superior to any Olympic

athlete who ever competed. LOL. The super soldier formula that he has metabolized has enhanced all of his bodily functions to the peak of human efficiency oh he ain't shit no iron man can fuck him up peak bodily functions but that's it right you can't fuck with iron man with that bullshit ass set of skills yeah you're just a really strong dude but in the movie he's not in that movie he's way stronger than any person who's ever lived. Way stronger.

And he's also the leader. He's the military strategy guy, I guess. He's the most sculpted. Look at that face. Iron Man tells you who he is. Billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, genius. But all of them can eat shit. I want the Hulk.

I want the Hulk to come out. I'm going to go Hulk or Thor. Those would be my two in a fight. Interesting. Captain Marvel comes down and fucks them all up. She's badass. They gave her too many powers. She's badass.

She almost has too many powers. They gave her everything except a good movie. That's true. They keep fucking her in the movie department. Yeah. Why? Her movie was eh. It filled the story so you knew who she was.

But it wasn't that great, you know. It didn't match up with someone who has the powers that she has. Like, she, look, if you're playing a game and the game is good guys versus the bad guys, on your good guy side, you want to have, like, you'd be, like, real pumped if one person had way more power than anybody who's ever lived. That's her. Right. Or you would just, you'd wait to play that card. Yeah.

You know, you'd like let people know, like, don't let me have to pull Captain Marvel. Like, don't let me have to wake her up. Right. Because if she comes down here. You're fucked. Everybody's fucked. But here's the thing.

Like, they can't figure out a way to make a good movie with that? I don't know. I mean, again, the movie was alright, but it wasn't great. It didn't show who she is. That's why. She'd have to have a boyfriend. Remember when Wonder Woman had a boyfriend?

People liked it better. Some regular soldier got to fuck Wonder Woman. Remember? And you know what? No one would believe you. Yeah, you'd have to shut up about that. But, yeah, I'm sure. Man, I'm fucking Wonder Woman. You can keep your mouth shut.

No, you're not. Yeah. I'm looking up Captain Marvel's powers, and a little question popped up. Who is the strongest Marvel hero? Yeah. Do you know? The strongest? Would he be Captain Marvel or Thor? I thought it would be Thor or Hulk

it says also in the Destroyer which I've never heard of but it says Hercules and I didn't know Hercules was in there Hercules was in like a few comic books but he's not Hercules ain't shit Hercules ain't considered part of the Marvel universe right

Stan Lee didn't create Hercules. Exactly. Yeah, you're not allowed to do that. By the way, why would you have Hercules in a comic book? That's such a cheap move. I do vaguely remember Hercules being in some Marvel comics, but no, I don't think he counts. They didn't create him. You got lucky with Thor.

Leave it at that. Yeah. You stole one god. You can't steal any other mythical characters. Right. And it was cool with Thor because in the comic books he was human too, right? He had like a human form and then he would turn

into Thor. Did he? Yeah. In the comic books he had a human form. I don't remember that. But you know, you would think that someone else could make a Thor movie. Like why can't they make a Thor movie? Like an't they make a Thor movie? Like an origin movie about Thor the god. Can you do that?

They might. But no one's ever done that. Isn't that amazing? They haven't done it yet. But who knows? They've had some movies where people pretend they're in the clouds. And they pretend they're gods. There's been some god movies, right? Right.

Wasn't there a Brad Pitt one? Wasn't there? Wasn't there a a Brad Pitt one? Wasn't there? Wasn't there a Brad Pitt one when they were the gods? Like Achilles or something like that? Wasn't there something? Am I imagining this? I believe there was a movie where a bunch of people were. Troy.

Troy. Yeah, Troy. And then they had those, what were they called? Titans or something. There was like some, they did a couple of movies where these guys, where they were gods. I think Liam Neeson was in it. And they were like playing with humans. Humans were like their entertainment.

Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They've had Clash of the Titans also. Titans, yeah. Maybe it was that. Clash of the Titans was, they did a couple of those, right? The one that's from way, way back in the day is hilarious to watch now. Oh, anything with special effects from back in the day.

You know what still holds up, though? Godzilla. It does. It's kind of fun, right? The old Godzilla movies, like Godzilla was, like he's still badass. There was just something about Godzilla that it was that. Yeah, he holds up. His old movies are good.

And the new Godzilla is good. Well, they figured out how to make those Godzilla movies. Like when we were doing stop motion animation, they were like, hmm, why don't you just have a dude in a Godzilla suit? And then they just. And then make everything else smaller. Yeah. They just had like a little New York or a little Tokyo and this dude in a Godzilla suit running around. It's actually, for the time, like really good special effects.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Godzilla movies were great. And he fought and they would just come up with all these different monsters for him to fight. Yes. Mothra. Giant moths and shit.

Gamera. Remember Gamera? Gamera. That was the one that spun around. That was like the turtle that spun around. Yeah, a spinning turtle that shot rays out of his legs. Yeah, those were so weird. Man, you know what those were?

Those were good drugs, Joe. You can't get those drugs now where you just sit around and say, man, what if we had a spinning turtle? Those things would be on like Saturday afternoon, right? Yeah. You'd have to get up and watch them on Saturday. Every week there was like destroy all monsters. It was some kind of monster thing.

Look at them. Yeah. Is this the old one? No. 1973 it said. Yeah. Wow, that looks great. Yeah.

Look at them. Those special effects. Actually, pretty fucking good special effects Especially I mean if you wanted to see a movie today That was like that you'd be mad You can't believe how fake they made it look But back then this was awesome

Look at that Blowing up those buildings Why are you laughing Jamie They're miniatures and silly But it zooms in on his face It looks awesome. It's like looking at the first Star Wars now. Like when you look at the first Star Wars now, you're like, oh, come on.

But back then it was like, man, this is badass. I know. It's terrible. The first Star Wars is terrible. Like the special effects, at least. Right. It just looks so fake. Like even the cantina scene where they went

in there and all the monsters you could tell that the guy's wearing a mask just like his face is frozen open yeah man they did what they could back then yeah they i mean it's technology right yeah that like the other day they were doing all the jur Park movies. And we were talking about when the first Jurassic Park, like when the first dinosaur came out, that was badass. Like it was like, wow, that looks like a dinosaur. And they had like expressions and all of that. You know, that was, yeah. The first Jurassic Park when those kids were in that truck

and the T-Rex comes over the top. Holy shit, was that awesome. Yeah. That's one of the greatest scenes in any movie I've ever seen ever. When he looks in the truck and he blinks. Yes. You know? Yeah.

That was, yeah. Well, when they realize that the goat is missing, that they had that goat tied up and they realized the goat is missing and then they hear the, you hear that? Although, and you know, I hate to be this guy, but we do it. You ever watch movies and just, you pull out the holes in the logic? Yes, what's the holes in the logic?

The two kids would not be with the lawyer. Yeah, true. The little boy loved dinosaurs and he knew who the dinosaur scientist was, he'd have been in that van. True. No way the two kids would have been with the lawyer. At least one of them would have been with a scientist. Yeah, for sure.

Were there parents in that movie? No, they were with their grandfather. And was their grandfather the main scientist dude? No, their grandfather was the old guy who owned Jurassic Park. Right, the old guy that looked the jurassic park right the old guy that looked like colonel sanders right right yeah yeah so it's like if your grandfather created this park and he hired this scientist you're like i'm hanging out with the scientist even though he didn't like kids it'd be like my grandfather said that i can ride with you and jeff goldblum was the

sexy scientist yeah goldblum was great in all of them. He was amazing. He was just that great character that, you know. Yeah, you bought it. Yeah. Especially the first one. Yeah. I love that. Drive faster.

No, no. Must drive faster. Yeah. The first one when, yeah, he had some great points, you know, about why'd you do this. It was just like, you bought him right you bought his science his science made sense well he's you could tell he's fucking smart as shit yeah you know so like when he's playing a guy who's smart as shit you're like all right i buy it although that is one situation when a t-rex is chasing you that's one of those situations where i don't have to be faster

than a t-rex i I just gotta be faster than you. That's not true, because a T-Rex would eat you so quick. Yeah, there's the goat leg falls down. The dinosaurs only have a total of 14 minutes of screen time. Perfect! Well, that's like an American werewolf

in London. One of the reasons why that movie's so good is you barely see the werewolf. When you do see it, it's amazing, but you barely see it but you're aware of flashes you're terrified of it i had uh rick baker in here he's the guy who did american werewolf he actually did star wars too and he's saying that that katina scene that cantina scene they did they they threw that together on like a shoestring budget he just put a bunch of masks he had laying around his studio and put them on people and dress people up and shit. But when he did an American Werewolf in London, this was like a crazy operation where they had hands.

They had fake hands that stretched out. They would put stop motion of skin where hair is coming through the skin. The face would extend. There was that scene where his, like his jaw would, yeah, I guess they had to do that. I forget how he said they did the hair.

I forget how he said they did the hair. Did they do it in reverse? They pull it through or something? Yeah. There's only like that one quick scene where you see it, right? I think that was the one scene you said it was. I forget.

He explained how they did the hair, where the hair was coming out of his skin and his back and shit. I think it took a long-ass time, though. Yeah. But you only see the whole transition is pretty quick. And then you only see the werewolf for, like, split seconds. You don't see it very often. That's great because, you know, when they're doing it, they're like, we don't know how.

Like, in our mind, we see it, but we don't know how this is going to work. And then you have to, like you were talking about the artist who did it, he has to make that happen. So the director's like, this is what I want. And then you have to figure out how to make that happen. Yeah. So that when he sees it on film, he's like, yeah. But if you nail it, then it's amazing.

Yeah. But if you do it wrong, then it's like, oh, man, look at this cheesy. Or you if you nail it then it's amazing yeah but if you do it wrong then it's like oh man look at this cheesy or you got to do it over again but there's something about things you don't only see in the dark there it makes it better than like seeing it like cgi obviously cgi really bright like that doesn't scare you like alien the movie alien scared the fuck out of you you barely saw it like most of the movie you barely saw it because it's your imagination and that's the thing with the script and everything else the anticipation of it

or the awareness of it but where is it versus a slasher movie where it's just I'm just coming through and chopping up people or versus like the new Godzilla which although might be fun it's so clearly CGI. You don't have like a visceral react.

Like if you see a werewolf in an alleyway, if a guy drops his briefcase and looks up and he sees a werewolf in the alleyway for like a split second, you're like, Jesus. And then it's over. Like there's a scene in American Werewolf in London where you literally see the werewolf for fractions of a second. It's one of the best scenes in the movie where there's a guy in the subway, this businessman, and he sees it. And you're looking at it like the werewolf. He's like, oh, my God. And he starts running. And you see this guy running away, and he's freaking the fuck out.

And he's almost having a heart attack. And he gets on the escalator, and he drops his briefcase, and he looks down. And just for a split second, you see the werewolf's body move into frame, and then it shuts off, and that's the whole scene. It's one of the best scenes in the movie. Yeah, it's scary. It's one of the best scenes in the movie. Everything's dark and mysterious. When you get real clear, and it's obviously CGI, it doesn't scare you.

Right. We're also so jaded. Yeah. CGI. It doesn't scare you. Right. We're also so jaded. Yeah. You know, we're so jaded now that it's like after this, how many movies are there going to be about us?

Quarantined, something happened in the quarantine, this or that, you know, and it's, yeah, it's it takes more to scare people now. You gotta be creative. It's a kind of, it's a transitionary point for us and it's kind of interesting that the thing that caught on the quickest when it all went down was

tiger king oh yeah that everybody was like this is this is the perfect show for a fucked up quarantined world i have two theories about tiger king it's like either you watch tiger king and you feel better about yourself. You're just like, man, this guy has fucked up. I'm not, you know, thank God. Or you're watching Tiger King and you're like, yeah, that's about where we at. That's about where we are. You kind of don't totally hate him.

Like you don't totally hate Joe Exotic. You get it. I get it. You know, I mean, what he did, like he was he was P.T. Barnum. Yes. He was P.T. like he could have been P.T. Barnum if he if he could have

grown his idea. But that idea of just, I'm just going to keep bullshitting people and just reinventing myself and showing them this and people went for it. Yeah. You know?

Which just wants attention so bad. Yeah. But that whole thing, yeah, definitely a phenomenon. I would love to see like what people, because it was worldwide, what people in other countries, I would like to get their opinion. Of us. Of Tiger King because they've never seen, you know, a lot of countries they've never seen anything like that.

You know what I mean? Like in the United States, like especially if you've traveled the Midwest or if you've been to one of those, you ever go to like the low budget circuses? You know, not the big ones, but the ones that like set up in a carnival. Yeah, like we've seen that.

But people who have no idea of that I wonder what their opinion would be there was one that was near my house and I took a picture of one of the one of the roller coaster rides they had set up and I put it on my Instagram page because it was this janky ass fucked up roller coaster that was

on stacks of 2x4s stacks and I was like what in who the fuck was the guy operating it like he built it you know i'm here with my friends and everybody's got their look at that look at that shit yeah look at those stacks that's to level it off right so that thing spins around in a circle while it's on these movable stacks of wood. Yeah. God forbid a fucking earthquake hits or something. That thing's going to go flipping sideways and flying off. I mean, the fact they let them do that in a park, that is crazy.

Look at that. And you just take your kid and you just throw him on there. Yeah. Like, go ahead, kid. Have fun. Go ahead, kid. You'll be fine. What could go wrong?

Nothing. Yeah, I mean, nothing's going wrong right now. And look at that one that one's over they did it they did the ride come on get on yeah and then you well you know it's like people were going there to the tiger king thing and like yeah i want my picture taken with a tiger you know it's also interesting you how quickly people got tired of tiger king like right now even that we're talking about it people are like still, still? Yeah. In and out, like that. But that's about how something goes. And the thing about it is when they were doing it, even when Netflix threw it out there,

because I saw it like the first weekend because in my news feed it came up and I was like, what the hell is this? And I started five minutes into it, I'm like, I got to see this, right? So I just watched the whole thing. But now they had no idea it was going to be that big a hit. And now they're like, okay, what next? You know what I mean? Like it's one of those things you couldn't predict Tiger King would be a hit.

Oh, yeah, no way. You think it'd be weird. The marketing or whatever people are like, what else? What can you do? Those are the ones you can't create that. No. They caught lightning in a bottle. It was the perfect time because they just happened to be there with the bottle

right when the pandemic hit, and it was like, what? And then people just send texts to their friends. You got to fucking watch this. Yeah. Because everybody's at home looking for shit to watch. Right. Everybody's at home. And it was like it wasn't a series.

It wasn't part of something else. It was like it stood alone as absolute insanity and fascinating. Yeah. And it wasn't like a big marketing push. No. Didn't have to. Because, again, once you watched it, I mean, you know, the guy with no legs was the most reasonable guy on the show.

The most reasonable by far. He made the most sense. He seemed like a regular guy. That poor guy. Caught up in the middle of all that shit. Right. Whereas in any other circumstance, you'd be like, how'd you lose your legs on that show? Didn't even come up. Like, no, we're good. You're fine.

When the one dude is sitting there, the guy that wants to be the campaign manager, he's sitting there talking to Exotice's boyfriend when exotic joe boyfriend blows his brains out right you're like what in the fuck is this you see the guy reacting like oh my god like in the moment that'd be like you and me talking and one of us is playing with a gun and just and then just blows yourself and blows your brains out it's god damn yeah god damn people are crazy but but again what else you gonna do so so tiger king killed some time and then the aftermath of tiger king killed some more time but then we still got like six more weeks so what do

we do now i think we're supposed to be may 15th, right? May 15th's going to end. Yeah, I think that's the latest projected date. But the governor just stopped people from going to the parks and beaches. That was a new thing today. Yeah, I think you know what it is. This is my theory. Like, we can't have nice things. You know, whenever they give us

something nice, we don't know. You know, like a little kid giving something nice and they break it. So it's like, okay, we're going to let you go to the beach to the beach it's like no you're not supposed to be playing volleyball and laying like like just you're supposed to keep moving right you're supposed to like walk or ride a bike or go surf or this and it but you weren't supposed to just mingle gathering groups and of course we're gathering groups with party and they're like all right no you can't you don't know how to behave. They had specific rules. Like you weren't allowed to stay put. Like you couldn't lean on things, couldn't sit down.

Right. But you could go walk around. I was riding, I rode my motorcycle along PCH and you would see people, they parked their car along PCH, right? And they'd sit on the car and kind of like look at the beach and stuff like that. So I guess each one of them had a car's distance between them because you're sitting on your car, the next person's sitting on their car. But then I passed this Neptune's Net, which is like a big motorcycle hangout. And there were maybe 20 bikes in a row parked.

And the guys were all just kind of hanging out. And it was like, no man, like that, you can't do that. You know what I mean? Like, like a motorcycle is the ultimate social distancing vehicle, right? You're, you're by yourself. You're wearing a jacket, gloves, a helmet. You're not breathing on anybody. But when you stop, you can't just all hang out like normal, you know? And that, that was the part that, uh, that I think that that's where they're like, no, we're not going to do it. Because I think, you know, this Georgia and Florida, whatever, it's like they're like the experiment, man.

They're like, all right, yeah, let's let them get out and then let's wait two weeks and see what happens. Yeah, exactly. You know? That's exactly what it's like. It's a weird disease, man. You know, I was just having a conversation about it earlier today It's like it seems like it's more than one different thing It seems like for some people it's nothing they shake it off some people even a lot of people more than half apparently Asymptomatic yeah, they don't feel it at all

That's the scariest part right because you're asymptomatic and you're carrying it. And then for some people it's a death sentence. And then most recently I was reading about strokes. Yes. And heart attacks. About people having strokes. Like it's causing blood clots. Yeah.

And this was something that they just realized. Like, whoa. You know. One doctor was apparently operating on this one guy who was a fairly young guy who had a stroke. And he said you could see on the machine. I read that. Yeah, that new clots were forming in real time. You could see clots forming while he's doing it.

This is crazy. Yeah. Yeah. It's a fucking creepy disease. And you know what? And we were talking about this earlier. That's the doctor I want to listen to. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like, yeah, give me a guy who's so smart that he's working on blood clots and watching them form and explaining. Because part of the problem, the advice we get, there's so many, it's such a wide range. And, like, so if you're talking to me, I want to see doctor in front of your name. And I want to know you do, like, oh, I work on the brains of people who have strokes. Like, yeah, tell me more. You know what you're talking about. Don't say doctor if you're a chiropractor either.

You've got to stop doing that. Stop. You're a chiropractor, that's great. People like going to chiropractor, that's great. You're not a doctor. You've got to stop saying you're a doctor. I have a friend. He's an emergency room doctor.

And, like, I'll listen to him. Yes. Yeah. Okay. You're a neurologist? You tell me what's going on because he knows. He's getting all kind of information and he's literally on the front line. Yes.

He was funny. He said, man, they better not send me anyone who shot up bleach. He was like, don't even waste my time. Someone must have just funny the way he said because because he really is that guy he's like the i'll save lives like he's a doctor he cares but on this one he's like man you better just don't even waste my time when you heard about that you had to think this has got to be like a fucking movie this has got to this is almost like a movie it's if it if it wasn't real it would be hilarious you know right and then the other thing is that the fact that like lysol had to put out a thing like not for internal use like the idea that that they know there are people so dumb that they're like we better tell them not to do

this there's gotta be a few that thought about There's got to be a few that thought about it. There has to be a few that thought about it. There was a thing that I tweeted. I pulled it down when someone, Tim Pool, one of my guests, told me it was fake. They were saying that they got way more calls because of poisoning from Lysol and disinfectants after Trump said that. But apparently the real truth is there's way more people using that stuff around the house because they're scared and they're cleaning everything up. And they've been coming in for a long time. It's not like it happened right after Trump said that.

It was actually happening right after the lockdown. Yeah, what I read, it wasn't more people doing it, but they were calling to see like, hey, what would happen if, you know, they were caught. But this one is weird. And I was just reading about this. There has been an increase in kids drinking hand sanitizer and they told the hand sanitizer people stop making it smell good because kids, you know, it's like this sweet smelling.

And my only question is where the hell are the kids getting it because i can't find any i can't where are you getting this hand sanitizer you're drinking but they said all kidding aside they said because it's alcohol it's like poisoning them someone was saying that if you get a hand someone was saying they went to a supermarket and they got hand sanitizer and smelled like tequila Yeah, it has a sweet smell to it. But if you have buckets of that stuff, it's probably mostly just alcohol, right? Yeah, it's 70% alcohol. One of my sponsors is making Buffalo Trace whiskey.

They're donating cases of hand sanitizer to schools and first responders. Yeah, because they can easily switch over to make it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Real easy. It's just alcohol that tastes like shit. Right. They know the process. But kids are drinking it. God damn it. Watch your kids. Don't let them drink that shit. What the fuck?

Can't believe I have to say this. What's wrong with our kids? They're eating Tide Pods, not drinking hand sanitizer. Come on, man. When we were growing up there's definitely kids we went to school with that if Tide Pods existed they would have ate them that's just kids kids do dumb shit

they're always going to do dumb shit that's part of being a kid they don't know any better but now it's like they do dumb shit but it becomes a viral challenge you know that's a difference like when we did it, there was one neighborhood kid. Well, let's face it, Joe. You had a television show based on that one neighborhood kid.

You have six of those neighborhood kids every week. You had a show based on the neighborhood kid who would, yeah, feed him this. What the hell? I have a PhD in those people. I understand those folks yeah when we were growing up there was always a kid that would eat worms or i read a story about a kid who ate a slug on a dare in i think it was australia and he wound up being paralyzed he got some sort of a a viral infection because of this snail that uh paralyzed him then a couple a couple

years later he died see if you can find that. Damn, that's too bad. It's crazy. But kids need to know this. You can't just go eat a fucking slug. Right. They're real bad for you. Right, you can't, yeah. You don't eat something.

Some wild-ass bug, some snail or something. I didn't even bring up the specific story. There's something called rat lung worm disease. No, but bring up the specific story because it's pretty crazy. A kid on a dare ate a slug. It says it's a man. It doesn't say kid. Oh, this is a kid on a dare. It says on a dare, now paralyzed. This was in New York, though.

So this may be more... It's probably more than one. Poop-eating slugs are infecting Hawaiians with brain parasites. Oh, Jesus. Poop-eating? Poop-eating slugs are giving you brain parasites. Jesus fucking Jesus. Poop eating? Yeah, man. Poop eating slugs are giving you brain parasites. Jesus fucking Christ. There it is.

Australian man who dared to swallow a slug has died after rare eight-year illness. I think he was a man when he died, but I think he was a kid when he pulled it off. On a dare in 2010. Jesus Christ. Yeah, he ate a slug. Yeah, I think he was a kid. That looks like a kid. Ugh, he was in a coma for 420 days.

He emerged from the ordeal with significant brain injuries, but continued to live for another eight years. Holy fuck. He consumed a garden creature on a dare in 2010. My God. Rat lungworm. Contracted encephalitis. Rat lungworm. Contracted encephalitis. Rat lungworm, an infection usually found in rodents that can also be transmitted to snails and slugs

if they eat rat feces containing the parasite's larva. See, this is how, again, this is how we get these crazy diseases for which we have no immune system defense. Because you're not supposed to be eating slugs that eat rat feces. Yeah, that's nature trying to say, what is wrong with this one? Why is he eating slugs? Don't. Yeah. Yeah, there's things that gross you out for a reason.

They seem like roaches or rats. They carry diseases. You see them and you're like, ah. They seem like roaches or rats. They carry diseases. You see them and you're like, ah. It's instinctive. I don't know if this is true. I was in Jamaica. We were on some tour and the guy said that if you got lost or whatever you're under,

he said, humans can eat what goats eat. He said, watch the goats. And if a goat eats it, a human can eat. Like if, if you know, you're in the jungle and it's just, can I eat that plant? And I was like, alright, that sounds, I don't know if that's true, but it sounds like good advice.

It sounds great, but I think goats can eat anything. Don't they eat, like, cans? They show them, but they don't actually eat them. I think that's a myth. Find out if it's true that humans can eat everything. If that's true, that'd be amazing. Just bring goats with you. Whatever they eat, you're good.

Yeah. Which means get a goat now. Because I don't know which way society's going. Oh, yeah. You need a goat now. Because you want to raise it. So now's the time to get a goat just in case shit goes wrong. You're like, what are you doing?

I'm following my goat. You don't want a fully grown adult goat either. You want a baby goat. A baby goat. A kid. Well, yeah. They actually? I'm following my goat. You don't want a fully grown adult goat either. You want a baby goat. A baby goat. A kid. Well, yeah. They actually are kids. Literally a kid.

They get a battery app for eating tin cans. They're actually chewing on the metal to get the label and the glue on the label. They're not actually eating the metal. What the fuck? All right. Yeah. Okay. So they're getting high on glue.

They're into glue and paper. So we can eat glue and paper. So can we eat what goats eat? Can humans eat what goats eat? I feel like if you get a baby goat, he'll know you're cool. You treat him well from the time they're a baby, like a dog. If you have a dog and you've had him since he was a puppy, he knows you're cool. Like all his life you've been cool.

But that's also like that Tiger King thing, right? Like, you raise a tiger from when it's a baby. Yeah. But then one day it just realizes, like, I'm a tiger. You look delicious. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah, but it's just a goat. Alonzo, you're a huge dude.

You could fuck a goat up. I would think so. You would fuck a goat up. You'd grab a hold of those horns. Like, where you going, bitch? Yeah, I think I could take a goat. You're gonna snap that thing's neck like a Steven Seagal movie. Not one of those big mountain goats that rams

you with the horns, though. Those can get like 300 pounds. Yeah, you don't want one of them. You want a domestic goat. What's the biggest, if I'm exaggerating, what's the biggest mountain goat? What's like a mountain goat or, yeah, with those white-haired ones, those enormous white-haired ones.

With the horns. Like an Alaskan shit. That can walk on like cliffs like they walk on the edge of the sea. You ever see that? Little tiny wedges. And you're like, how do you live? And they live their whole life. Well, that's why, because they live their whole life doing it.

How big are those? It's because of the scoring size for some reason. Oh, that must mean it's a hunting page. Did you ask how much they weigh? Did you just ask how much of the biggest, how much does a full-grown mountain goat weigh? Adult females, about 180. Males average 280. Yeah. I'm up to 300, or just 385 385 and then

walking like a ballerina on the side of a cliff yeah he's dangling a little half inch rammed by a 385 pound goat that's gotta be like getting hit by a car like just uh dude look at the size of that fucker god damn they're huge they look so cool it looks like a horse fucked a goat doesn't it like look at its face it doesn't look like a goat now you know you know what that's like that's like getting hit by an nfl lineman right it's like getting blindsided maybe even more nfl maybe even they might even even more power than that because they're on four legs. They're on four legs. And they're animals.

Right. And they're doing this all day long. You know, there's a video of a ram slamming heads with a cow. The ram starts walking towards these cows, and this female cow gets pissed off and comes – maybe a bull. I don't know if it's a bull or a female cow. But this cow comes forward. Watch this. Watch this. Oh, it is a bull. So watch this. Is that a bull. I don't know if it's a bull or a female cow. But this cow comes forward. Watch this. Watch this.

Oh, it is a bull. So watch this. Is that a bull? Seems like it, right? Watch this. Boom. You're out, bitch. Wow.

So the goat or the ram headbutts that cow. Do that one more time. Is it a bull? It seems like a bull, doesn't it, Jamie? I think it had horns. Let's see. It's got horns a bull, doesn't it, Jamie? I think it had horns. Let's see. It's got horns. Yeah, it's got horns.

Yeah, it's got horns. Yeah, okay. So it is a bull. So that's why he's doing it, too. Yeah, look at his balls, too. You see his nuts. His huge balls. How could I not see those?

But he gets K the fuck out. He's probably dead. That's to say, do you think it's dead because of the skull? One more time. Give me one more time on that. Well, you know, if he lived. Watch this. One more time. Give me one more time on that. Well, you know, if he lived. Watch this. One more time.

Just look at the ram. The ram's like, bitch, I'm scared of you. Boom. Yeah. So if he lived, like that bull gets no respect for the rest of his life. Like, I saw your bitch ass get knocked out by a ram. A ram is probably one-eighth your size. You ain't scaring nobody.

Yeah. They just know to do that move. I bet a bull's never experienced something getting in between its horns and hitting it flat on the top of the head. Or it's probably never experienced something stronger than it. Yeah. You know? That seems like a scene in a movie, though. I did.

This doesn't seem right that a stick can just stop it. Maybe this just wasn't stopping. Well, that's a little one. Yeah. Look how little that is. And it's also probably a certain way it's getting hit. Well, I think it hits objects. So that's what it is.

It's dumb. So as he puts a stick in front of it, it headbutts the stick, which means that if you're punching something, right, and there's a guy behind this thing, but you're trying to punch this thing here, and this thing moves. If you get to the guy behind it, you won't have any power. The power will be all in this one spot, and then it misses. You just kind of, like. And also, the animal doesn't know. Like, this is something unusual to him.

Right. Why is someone holding a stick out? Right. So it just hits the stick with its head. That actually makes sense. That's a good move. Maybe like a bull with a cape, right? They make the cape look way bigger than the person, so the bull

just goes towards the massive object. Right? Yeah. I was in South Africa, and we did this safari. It wasn't like the real safari because we didn't have time, but they were like, yeah, by far the most dangerous animal is a hippo. Oh, yeah.

That was the one. Because when we went by the water, you saw the backs of the hippos. And they were like, yeah, you don't want them to come out of there. Yeah. Fuck that. Hippos are terrifying. Yeah. And they're mean. They're huge, too. They're mean. It's like, basically,

it's like a tank. And they're vegetarians, which is weird. They're veget, too. They're mean. Basically, it's like a tank. And they're vegetarians, which is weird. They're vegetarians. But if they feel a threat, they grab you. They drown you. They pull you underwater because they can hold their breath for like five or six minutes or something like that. And they just hold you until you're dead. Oh, Jesus Christ. But they're very territorial, and they're fast.

I think they run like 20 miles an hour or something like that. Yeah, it's basically an armored living vehicle. I mean, a living thing. There's a crazy video of a hippo chasing these people on a boat. Have you ever seen that one? Yeah. Or did you ever see the lion that jumped on the hippo, and then the hippo just stood there, and then the lion off he was basically like i can't fuck with this thing well there

was yeah there's one video where the lion's trying to eat the hippo and it's biting into the hippo's back and the hippo's just like yeah the hippo's like would you leave me alone so annoying keep biting me i think it was taking little pieces out of its back. It just couldn't figure out how to get rid of the lion. They're so big. Yeah. But I guess if you want to survive in Africa around crocodiles, you have to be so big the crocodile's like, I'm not even trying. You know?

Right. Yeah, there's so many things that can kill you that this is something that's like, nah. You know what kills elephants sometimes in Africa? Ants. Yeah. They climb up into their ear. Right. They just keep eating.

They just climb all the way up their leg. And they eat into their brain, right? Yeah. That's a hell of a way to go. That's got to be the worst. And there's nothing you can do about it. What the fuck can you do? All these ants are streaming up your body, eating your brain.

That's a slow, horrible death. Nature, you cruel bitch. Yeah. But that's nature, you know? Nature's not to be fucked with. There's a great video that I saw yesterday of a cat trying to get a squirrel. There's a squirrel, and the squirrel's on the tree, and the cat's on the tree, and the cat's going right, and the squirrel's going left,

and the cat's going left, and the squirrel's going right and the squirrel's going left and the cat's going left the squirrel's going right the squirrel is successfully evading the cat for the most part and then fucks up zigs when he should have zagged well cats i think of domestic animals like they they have the most instincts of when they were wild like a cat can hunt you know you ever see him hunt a bird oh Oh, yeah. It's like, if a bird's dumb enough to land on the ground, cat's got them. Cat's got them. Cat's got them. They move so fast, too, and they know you're gonna

fly up, so they jump, and then they swat you as you're trying to fly away. Yeah, cats... You don't even bother eating them. No, they just kill it just to stay in practice. It's like, why would I eat you when I can have cat food? I have a bowl of cat food. These dumb motherfuckers just leave it out for them. No, they just kill it just to stay in practice. Like, why would I eat you when I can have cat food? I have a bowl of cat food. These dumb motherfuckers just leave it out for me.

Like, cats, you don't even feed a cat at a certain time. Cats have trained humans perfectly. Cats are like, listen, I could, but I have a human. It will feed me. And I can totally ignore it. Like, dogs earn their food. You know what I mean? Dogs, like, I protect the house or i fetch or

i play with the kids or this or that cats are like no i will totally ignore this human and they will feed me it's just such a weird cat and what's weird is when people go deep with like i get when people have attack dogs it makes sense but i don't get the like serve walls and shit right people have those weird like half yeah like like you don't want a cat thatals and shit. Right. People have those weird like half. Yeah. Like you don't want a cat that could kill you. Yeah. They're sort of domesticated, half domesticated.

Those servals, you ever heard of those things when they're trying to feed them like chicken bones? Yeah. They make these crazy noises like, fuck, man, that's in your house while you sleep? Do you have a dog? Yes. Yeah. But it's a golden retriever. Oh, it's a nice dog. The sweetest dog of all time.

They're so nice. Everybody that comes over the house, like if you came over my house, you'd be like, a long lost friend. Everybody's a long lost friend. That has been something since I've been just locked down. That thought's crossed my mind. Like, man, I should get a dog. Dogs are great, but then you go on the road as much as you do.

Once I go back to work, I won't be able to take care of it. But dogs are really cool. And I have a neighbor who has a dog. It's called a Dogo. You familiar with these? Oh, Dogo Argentino. Yeah. Yeah.

But it's a fantastic dog. And she said she's a dog trainer. She said, yeah, some people have used these for fighting and this and that. She said, but if you get, she's like, I know a breeder. I'll get you a good one. And it's really a great dog. And it's tempting, but I know, like, once I go back on the road, then it becomes the, it's either at the kennel all the time

where I got to get the dog sitter. So it's not going to work. But dogs are just, they're just cool, man. I love dogs. Yeah, it would be sad for the dog. Right, it's not fair to the dog to just leave it. Eliza's got it nailed. She gets them little dogs.

She puts them in a purse. And she takes them with her. Takes them everywhere. She's figured it out. We were at the improv once, and she's about to go on, and she just handed me her dog. Yes, that's true. His Blanche. I'm like, okay, I guess I'll hold Blanche.

She would just know that we would take care of it. God, that was an adorable dog. Yeah. Her new dog's very adorable. Have you met Tofu? No, I haven't'll hold Blanche. She would just know that we would take care of it. God, that was an adorable dog. Yeah. Her new dog is very adorable. Have you met Tofu? No, I haven't met the new one. Oh, super adorable dog. Jeremy Hotz has one, too.

He's got a Shack. Shack is his long-haired chihuahua that he brings. Yeah, if you're a road person, a chihuahua is really, like, that kind of size dog, that's your move. Yeah. You can just take him with you. Yeah road person, a chihuahua is really like that kind of size dog. That's your move. Yeah. You just take him with you. Yeah. But road man, doesn't it make you not want to do the road again? Like when you, I'm worried about that, man.

I'm worried about being home. I haven't been, I haven't gone this long without getting on a plane in 20 years. Yeah. And, and the idea, like, I'm afraid of afraid of not wanting to go back to work. The other thing is, you know, I've done a couple of live streams at the Laugh Factory, right? I'm doing next week, I'm doing a digital comedy club thing, right? I'm like, man, what if I get used to working without an audience? Well, what if that VR thing happens? What if the VR thing happens and they can make it set up so that you could be on a stage, you put the VR on, and the people put their VR on, and they're sitting in an audience?

I did one of those. It was weird. For now? Yeah. The thing about it is what you really lose, there is an energy that comes from laughter in the room. Like you can do it. I think of it as kind of like this or like doing radio where people can be listening and they might be laughing. Like when you do morning radio.

Yes. They're laughing in their car, but you don't really know that. Right, right, right. Yeah. The people in the studio have to kind of car, but you don't really know that. Right, right, right. Yeah, the people in the studio have to kind of laugh along with you to let everybody know. Right. So, I mean, it works for now, and it is kind of fun and just odd doing it, you know, so I don't mind doing it.

Like I hear some comics say that they wouldn't do it or they hate it. To me it's just like, okay, this is what we're doing now, and it's weird, but it's fun. That would be the question to ask those comics. What would you do if there was no more comedy ever again live? What if this is just the tip of the disease iceberg? Right. It keeps getting worse and worse.

Are you willing to accept no more comedy ever? Probably not. No. No. Nobody would be. You'd wind up doing those digital comedy clubs. Yeah. I mean, you know.

I just hope it doesn't come to that. I don't think it's going to come to that all the time. Another thing is I was talking to a Vegas guy who's a promoter and does shows, and he said he thinks comedy is going to come back first because it's the easiest thing to produce. So he said, like, you could do a comedy show outdoors with people sitting six feet apart from each other and just one comic with a microphone on stage, he said, versus a band where now you got the band members on stage and all the technical stuff. He's like, comedy's just, this is where it's easy. Like, we're a microphone and a speaker.

That's a good point so so we could do it i mean you couldn't draw as many people but what if you just test everybody yeah well i think that that's going to be part of it too that's uh i was reading about as europe reopens that's what they're doing they're they're scanning people like i guess testing you for fevers and i don't buy this thing that they want to – I mean, I don't want to do the tracking thing. When they talk about that, I think that's a real slippery slope. If they let you track people on their cell phones, whether or not they're sick or healthy, and you know exactly where they go and who they're in contact with, I think that's a slippery slope because the problem with that is once they get that kind of power to track people, they're never going to get rid of it.

They're never going to get rid of it. They're going to find another reason to use it. They'll use it for the flu. They'll use it for something else. And it's also, so it's such a faulty thing to do. You know what I mean? Yes. It's like if you know you're being tracked, well, I'm going to give my phone to whoever.

Like what do they always do in a movie they put the tracker on an animal or a car or something and they send them the wrong play well now they don't know who no i don't think they're making a felony to do that alonzo you can't give your phone to your friend yeah you were trying to be deceptive yeah okay i think you know i just think it's a fucking slippery slope and i think it absolutely is i don't i don't think we can i don't think you can trust them trust any authorities or medical or whatever with that it's it's like that said what i was gonna say you can have a driver's license right well why can't you have a license that shows you've been tested yeah you don't need he just

has your face on it it's a public you, like just like a driver's license. Right. Where it's got a seal. You've been tested. Yeah, you've been tested. However often, like once a year or something like that. You have like a hole punch next to the date, an official hole punch. Like, you know, you get a bunch of them and then you get a new card. Yeah.

Why can't we do that? You get a new card every 90 days. Until they come up with a vaccine. I think science, science will come up with a vaccine, you think science will come up with a vaccine. A combination of human immunity and science will come up with something. I mean, this is like polio

was when you were a kid and polio was a definite threat like you had to worry about. And then they came up with a vaccine. This is another thing. I mean, disease I have a friend who who works in this and she said yeah you know viruses and diseases and stuff like they they change they adapt so we have to adapt yeah you know we we have to stay ahead of it and this one just caught everyone

off guard there was no yeah they've been warning us about this kind thing, the possibility of this kind of thing for a long time. Bill Gates did a TED Talk in 2015 where he talked about it. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, they showed it. I don't know. They looked at it. You know, Obama talked about this is something we got to spend money on and get ready for.

And it's one of those things. People didn't want to believe it. He's a guy who's it's almost of those things people didn't want to believe it he's a guy who's it's almost funny how smart he was like he just you know he's like yeah we should prepare for infectious disease that nah it's like now

oh shit we probably should have prepared for infectious diseases and you know the United States but this is just another example of our medical system, man. We got to get it together where medicine isn't just for the rich. Yes, for sure. Dude, I hate to say this, but I have to piss so bad.

I drank way too much coffee before the show. Can we pause? Pause it. Yeah. Pause it real quick. I'm going to piss. Be right back. Sorry.

No worries. Sorry. Back up. One of life's great feelings. I fucked up. Sorry, folks. I had a big thing of bone broth earlier and i had two double espressos then i had two at least two large bottles of water yeah so it was a it was a real i was like god damn and i fucked up i pissed before the show too i thought i was gonna be okay it's all good That's one of life's great feelings. It is.

When you got to pee, and it's just right there, and then you get that. Yeah, exactly. It's the simple things, Joe. It is. It's the simple things and the simple pleasures. That's what we can enjoy out of this pandemic, some of the simple pleasures. You know what I do appreciate? I appreciate talking to people. Because when you're locked up in your house, of the time you're until i'm here i'm

locked up in the house right so i'm just sitting around or i'm in the yard or i'm going on we could go on trails in my neighborhood still but at a certain point in time you know you want to talk to somebody so i come here i appreciate talking to people like even more than before what what i like is the absolute silence at night like you know it it's i'll turn off everything you know no like no tv no music nothing and just it's perfectly silent it's so odd because so few people are out so you just you don't get the car not like where i live We don't get a lot of cars or anything, but you just get nothing. It's perfectly silent. And it's a strange meditative situation.

Like these are the kind of things that once we get back to, once we find out whatever the new normal is, that's going to be the kind of thing that that doesn't like, yeah, we don't have, you realize like my life isn't quiet yeah you know there's a lot of noise in life and um and travel you know we were talking about it i don't know what that's going to be what what is travel going to be like it's going to be weird you know it's going to be paranoid we're all going to be paranoid you're going to be masked up yeah are we going to be trying to maintain distance what are the airlines going to do how are they going to keep distance apart from each other and people are already like oddly not connected when they travel right you sit next to a person you usually don't even talk to them you know you get up everybody gets in line you don't even really no no very little small talk well we're hurting it's hurting yeah

you know so now are you still going to be able to hurt people are people going to appreciate you know are we going to be

nicer to each other you know and you would hope so but human nature always shows like nah we like whenever it seems whenever

we're given the choice of okay can we be better or worse why do we always go to worse well this is this is why in this situation you got to be worried. Because people really don't have any experience with this kind of adversity.

So this is a new thing. So adversity tests character. There's a lot of people that haven't had to develop character. They've been living these weak-ass, fucking useless, silly lives. Right. And then all of a sudden adversity comes and shines its ugly head. And these morons are all of a sudden dealt the weirdest hand of cards ever where everybody's kind of fucked. And then when things go back to work again, when you're asked to deal with adversity and you don't have any character. Right.

Like you're a guy with character. I think you'll be fine. I think you probably will be nicer after this. I know I'm going to be nicer. Yeah. I think most people are going to be like, I think you probably will be nicer after this. I know I'm going to be nicer. I think most people are going to be like, I don't even mean like nicer. I mean like a little more appreciative. I'm always nice.

Appreciative. Appreciative. And aware. Yeah. Aware of, you know, one of the problems, people are not aware of the existence of other people. Yes. Right. You know, so you have like, if you're holding a sign, give me liberty or give me death in front of a Baskin Robbins ice cream. You're like, you're not really aware what that means, are you?

Like you're probably going to be okay. There's a Baskin Robbins behind you. Your liberty is probably not a life and death issue right now. Yeah. The awareness thing is a real problem with people but there's people that are they're barely keeping it together with the most amazing society ever through no fault of their own for the most part most people were fucked up they grew up in a fucked up house and they had a fucked up family in a fucked up neighborhood and people did them

wrong every step of the way and now here they are all fucked up at 35 years old but that doesn't take away from the fact they are fucked up at 35 years old and if they are really overweight and they eat sugar all day and they can't keep a job and they're always making excuses and now there's a pandemic don't expect them to rise the occasion right and or you know that that's one. The other ones are we're so insulated from reality. Yeah. You know, like I briefly lived in suburbia. Right. I had a house. I was up in Valencia. That's a nice area. It's nice, but it's too nice. You know what I mean? And it was like it was this perfect suburbia. And all I could think was, man man the majority of these people they their life goes from the cubicle to the cul-de-sac yep that's their day i'm in the cubicle at the office i come home to the cul-de-sac yep and it's such a it's you know i was always like i hope there's something

in your life that makes this good because this would be the most boring existence but that is what it's almost like. That's what we aspire to. Like, that's what they build every time they build one of these new communities. Right now, they even the latest construction of malls. I used to always laugh about this. So they tear down all the mom and pop stores and build a mall, which is a fake town of mom and pop stores.

You know what I mean? Like everything is this perfect controlled environment. And like you said, now that's all out the window. So what do you do? You know, and what do people do? Yeah. Malls are, well, they're already hurting the outdoor malls. Oh, like REI, that kind of shit.

No, like, like, uh, Oh, outdoor, like outside malls. Right. Those might still work. But even now, they showed like Neiman Marcus about to go bankrupt because people are like, wait a minute. You know what? I don't need clothes. Well, it's also people are buying shit online. People are buying stuff online.

But a lot of stuff, if you're like Macy's, you don't sell anything that people need right now no not if people are hurting right yeah there's so so what's the amount of people it makes it difficult to stay in business when you don't sell when everything you sell is basically a luxury or a pleasure thing you know like like diamonds right yeah nobody's buying diamonds man i haven't seen a k jeweler's commercial i know right you don't see any of those engagement commercials now not right now right there's nothing you know it's so it's it is going to be interesting because those companies have to survive this or don't and then get us out. Look, the blockbuster's gone, bro. You know, things change.

Blockbuster was everywhere. Remember those days? Blockbuster was everywhere. There's one left. Date night. You know, now these kids with their Netflix and chill. Back in the day,

we had to earn it. We had to earn it. We had to go to the blockbuster store and you usually had to go with your girlfriend, right? You couldn't you couldn't just pick the movie no no they ran out that's right they ran out of the movies they would have the empty box like we wouldn't see you wouldn't see tiger king until it was your turn

right because your blockbuster would have eight tiger kings and they'd always be rented when you went there you know yeah and whenever a new movie came out they would always have a long shelf with the new movie yeah a lot of versions of it and you had to rewind it that's what those made to only go to home movies came from oh i remember those terrible movies he made a ton of money on those. He made, and I'm not talking porn. I'm talking regular movies. Just terrible movies. He said what he would do is he would get the seniors in film school, right?

And he would give them, what did he say he gave them? Something like $10,000 and a camera and said, go make a movie. And then it was either 10 grand or 50 grand or something like that. But he'd give them that in the camera, go make a movie. And they come back and he said, and it always would be a slasher movie because they were the easiest to make. And he said, it's amazing how many women will take their top off if you point a camera at them. So it was all like titty slasher movies and he would sell them overseas you know it was you know it was like bikers crazy kill or or something at a mall you know the the the mall monster and it was all these but but he made a

he made a ton of money off of that it was the straight to video movies with no budget and the kids would make them. And to the kids, you know, if you're a senior in film school, like that's a great thing when someone says here's some cash and a camera, go make a movie. Feels to me the same way I feel about like NCAA athletes not getting paid to play when the schools

are making billions of dollars. I'm like, huh. What's going, you know, not quite as bad as that, but what's going on here? How much money are you making from this fucking movie, man? But it's a great thing for the kids, too. So if you're a kid

and you're going to film school and some guy comes along and goes, not only am I going to give you the equipment, I'm going to give you $50,000 to make a fucking movie. Come on, make a movie, bro. You can make 50 grand. Yeah, and then you're going to make a movie

and he's going to sell it for a couple of hundred grand or 250 or whatever in the international video market. It's hilarious. It's hilarious. Oh, and you talk about bad. I mean, these movies were just – but that's what made it fun is the movies were so bad that it was like great. Like we don't really have an editing budget.

Right. Terrible. No special an editing budget. Right. Terrible. No special effects. No. Yeah. Is that guy holding a microphone in this shot? Well, yeah. You know what's funny, though?

Occasionally someone will make a movie for $15 and it works. You remember Blair Witch Project? Blair Witch, yeah. That was a fucking legitimately scary movie. That was a scary movie. And then they tried to do it big budget and they couldn't make it work. No, they fucked it up. It had to be that, you know.

They fucked it up. The found footage. Like, what is this? Let's watch it. Like, those videos. There was a whole show. There wasn't a series of movie called VHS? Wasn't there?

Or VHS? VHS. VHS. That's right. VHS was a weirdo. Right, right, right. But VHS was a movie about people finding VHS footage of people getting attacked by demons. There was one that the lady, they made a movie afterwards about her.

I think it was called Siren, where she was one of the characters in the VHS. Yeah, VHS. She was one of the characters in that. There was a girl that was really pretty But really weird and these guys took her back to the house, and she wanted to fuck them She's like I love you. I like you. I like you and she turns into a demon and tears everybody apart It was really wild yeah wild shit But yeah, but do you remember marketing for Blair Witch that they had a bunch of online stuff that made it seem real when it

Came out right There was like news stories about people disappearing and stuff like that. Morons just bought right into us. I had a couple friends that thought it was 100% real and we got into like big discussions about it. Those are those people right now that are talking about 5G. Fucking 5G. This is a hoax.

This is it. It is. Coronavirus is a hoax. It's all 5G and it was created. Yeah. when people say that, like, and now have you got this? I'm sure you've gotten this. People who were otherwise reasonable send you something, and you're like, holy shit, do you believe this? Like, now I got to rethink my relationship with you. Yeah.

You know, like I got the one about don't take the vaccine because the vaccine is the sickness. And they're they're experimenting on you and they want to, you know, it's like, man, you got to like you believe this. I got one from a smart dude that I know where there were this doctor was talking straight to the camera and the doctor saying this is not a disease. This is radiation sickness. Doctor. Yeah. A doctor. Yeah. Well, where's a doctor's outfit? I a disease, this is radiation sickness. Doctor. Yeah. A doctor. Yeah, well.

Where's a doctor's outfit? I'm like, this guy with schizophrenia. It's not a radiation disease. They know exactly what it is. They know the genome. They know that it came from the bats that came from the very area that the Wuhan lab was studying. Yeah. Okay, this is really well-documented shit.

But people will absolutely ignore that that that's what's frustrating to the scientists and the doctors right when they're standing there and and they're and they're like we know this shit you know like like a friend of mine who's a doctor he hates web md because patients come in and they already diagnosed it. I read on the internet. And he'll be like, yeah, because I went to school. He's really funny because he's like, yeah, I went to school. And I've been practicing medicine for 20 years. So I probably know more than your website.

But if you want. I'll run those tests. Some doctors suck, though. Yeah, there were bad doctors. So there's that, too. That's the thing. But. It's bad everything. Again, being home, I've watched some network TV.

And I never really watched network TV. But now I'll just be watching whatever. Every commercial is either some drug, right? Some drug for whatever condition you think you have or this or that, or it's a thank you to the people giving care during this time. It seems like those are the only two commercials. That's why I say, like, if you watch too much TV, yeah, you're going to start being scared to death and believe in conspiracies because you're constantly pounded with this shit. Like you're just pounded with the negativity, the fear to take a drug for whatever you might feel or think you feel or whatever. And then the drugs, the side effects of the drugs.

And then now there's a drug for the side effect of the drug that you took for something else. You know what I mean? Like, like you, you have to take a break. You can't, I don't think you can watch upper limit,

upper lip, two hours of news a day. Any more than that. Even that. Just give it that. Like I said, that's, that's the extreme upper limit.

I feel like I'm not watching much, but I am checking in on news stories on my phone every now and again. I go to the Google News feed. That's what I do, man. I read. I read the news because if I read the news, I can control the amount and I can also get different sources. Or I read a story and then Google the story

and see what other stories are about that. So like when we were talking before about the thing about people drinking Clorox. And you're like, are they really drinking Clorox? And then you Google it and you're like, oh, no, thank God. They're not drinking Clorox. But Clorox and Lysol put out a warning saying don't do it. If they hadn't, probably a couple of them would have tried it. And plus, you know, there was a lawyer somewhere like, man, I'm ready to sue Clorox. don't do it well if they hadn't because probably a couple of them would have tried it because and

plus you know there was a lawyer somewhere like man i'm ready to sue clorox you know of course of course somebody's gonna get sued but yeah it's uh it's a fucking weird time man it's gonna be weird when everything starts back up how people behave i'm hopeful i'm hopeful for the best but again we're talking about there's gonna be the worst of us that are not going to do well with this. Because they're not prepared for any kind of adversity. So when this adversity comes out where we're all supposed to group up together, some people are going to act out. That's unfortunate. But I think it's going to be less.

I think more people are going to rise. They're going to rise to the occasion. Hopefully. Hopefully. And this is where, honestly, you need good information. You can't have the crazy information. You need good information that has to be given to everybody. Like this is what's real.

Because there's always been crazy information, right? There's always been a National Enquirer and what was that other paper? The National Star. The Star. That's always been there. World Daily News. But they never, like, now you have people reading that like, no, this is the real story. And, you know, the New York Times is fake.

It's like, no, I think you got that backwards. Now, New York Times ain't perfect, but I think they're a little closer than the Weekly World News. That's the real problem when someone like Trump, whenever he gets challenged, just calls everything fake news. You're fake news. You're fake news. They get some things wrong. You're right. But if you just keep calling everything fake news, you're crying wolf.

Right. And the problem is then we don't know who to trust. So if someone just – you're talking about the dangers of blindly believing the president to drink bleach. Well, blindly believing the president that The Washington Post is always wrong or that CNN is always wrong or The New York Times is full of shit, that's not – Well, it's not good. But then who's not? It's not good because – The question is who's not full of shit.

And, yeah, there is – the news is politicized and there's left and right and this and that. But papers like the Washington Post, the New York Times, the L.A. Times, they do a pretty good job. And they've been doing it for a long time. And if you read it, they've attacked both sides. When someone makes a mistake, they call them out on it and this and that. And yeah, you got it. If you lose trust of that, then who do you trust now? Now's when the crazy comes in. When you, when you start, again, when you start believing the weekly world news and doubting the New York times, what do you trust? Like what's your, Do you have a news source that you go to? I have a few. The Times. The Times is the gold standard.

In my news feed, I've got the New York Times, I've got the LA Times. I read some of the BBC. I like the BBC. Because looking at the United States from the outside looking in is kind of a different point of view. What other feeds do I get? Daily Beast is, I like them. Once in a while, I get Huffington Post articles popping up. And I read some opinion pieces. You know, again, there are some, I read this thing recently and it was really good. It

was about the world being disappointed and sad by the United States lack of leadership through this. And the article talked about like, this is the first time in the past hundred years where something happened to the world and the United States didn't take the lead. And it went back to talking about how we defeated fascism and then democracy grew and the Cold War. And, you know, and it said that and these were scientists from France, the UK, Germany. Where was this article? It was in the Times. It was in the New York Times. And they talked like one of the scientists was a climatologist from Germany that studied at Columbia. And they said, you know, some of the best and brightest minds in the world are in the United States, but no one's listening to them.

to them. And they talked about how the United States, again, took the lead. Whenever something would happen to the world, the United States would take the lead and say, hey, we got this. This is what we're going to do. What do you think they could have done different? And it talked about it in the article. First thing was take it seriously and listen to the scientists. That was the first thing that the government could have done. When a scientist spoke up and said, hey, this is real. This is not some Chinese thing or this is real. You listen to them. And the second thing is give people real information.

Say, hey, like you don't come out, say this is a hoax and then say it's not a hoax. They came out like they were because they were talking about Germany, which I didn't notice that Markle is a physicist, the chancellor of Germany. So she right away went to science because she's a scientist, which I never knew. But they said but they told the German people like, OK, this is real. There's a threat. This is you know, we don't know what to do, but we're going to do something. And I think had we done that, had the United States done that in January or in the latest February said, this is a real threat. We have to take action and we're studying it. We're, you know, basically you want to hear the government say we're on it.

That, that I think would have been a big difference because then just, it was like 9-11, right? When 9-11 happened, the entire country came together. We dropped our differences and said, yo, they attacked the United States of America, right? And now the actions afterwards later, the war and all of that, you may or may not have agreed with, but if you remember that for that first month, man, we were all Americans. You know what I mean? Like, we were sitting around talking, and it was like, this is the United States. You remember the flags on the cars?

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we came together. Jay London used to sell them. He did. I believe it. I believe it. I love Jay.

I love Jay, too. I love Jay. He is a character, but he's genuine and the biggest heart in the world. The first TV show I ever did, I did with Jay London. It was in like 1993 or some shit. I'll tell you my favorite Jay London story from last comic in a minute. Because, you know, we lived together in the house. We did the reality show.

We were there for about four or five weeks. Wow. the house. We did the reality show. We were there for about four or five weeks. But had they come out and said, this is real, we don't know what it is, but scientists are working on it. And right now we need everybody to pause. That's what they need. Everybody needs to pause. And then the other thing I think they needed to do from the beginning, and this goes back to World War II, there's a name for it, whatever the Defense Act is, where you call General Motors and Boeing and, I don't know, 3M and whatever drug companies and say, all right, drop what you're doing. We need you on this. Because the United States, like that was World War II right when they said no we're not making records we're not making pantyhose we're not making cars like you're gonna make tanks and

you're gonna make bullets and I think that's the act he's using right now to try to force the meat companies meat packing companies to stay open yeah but it's it's it's piecemeal and it's too late like like if you do it I think if it was done from the beginning, forget about the you're a Democratic governor and you're a Republican governor and you're like, fuck all that. Like this is America. Like this is in times like this, like you said, when adversity shows character. Right. This is when the character of the nation and this is what this article was talking about, where the United States didn't do that, where you had the federal government fighting against governors and they're arguing over who has constitutional power and stuff like this. Don't you think that there was an adjusting period of people didn't think it was serious and then thought it was serious?

Like, how did you. Yeah. Didn't you personally go through a period where you weren't worried about it and then you became more worried about it as time went on? Right. Yeah, definitely. But that's because of information because we weren't given information. But do you remember what the information we were getting in January? It wasn't that bad. It wasn't that bad. The World Health Organization tweeted that there's, according to China, there's no worry of it being carried from person to person.

That was in January. So it all happened in a weird way where there was conflicting information. Right. And people didn't. But once people knew, that's why I said maybe by February. Right. Because in February, people knew. Doctors knew.

Yeah. Once February came around, there was enough warnings. But try convincing everybody else. There's so many naysayers out there, right? But again, this is where, but if you have a unified voice, if you have one voice coming out saying, hey, this is what the scientists are saying. You know, because, and I tweeted this a long time ago, look, I'm going to get my information from scientists, not from politicians. You know, this is where the politicians need to step to the side on the podium. Like, like what do they always do in the movie when the mayor stands up here and now I'm

going to give it to the chief of police. Who's going to tell you like, yeah, you need, you needed, you know, a president who's going to say, okay, this is the situation. Now here's the head of the, you know, infectious disease bureau or whatever it is. Supposedly, did we figure out what fucking happened with that pandemic branch? Remember they said that he closed down, that Trump closed down? A lot of the

people that have been taken off the team have been spread around different jobs. They do respond to pandemic-type things, but there's not one specific pandemic department anymore. And that was when they showed the Obama speech, because that's what came after the Ebola thing, was when he said, yeah, we need, he said, this is like, what did he say? He said, it's an investment. He said, it's not an expense.

It's an investment or insurance or something like that. But we need a department ready to deal with this because this is a real threat. Well, now that they know, now that there's, I mean, in our lifetime, this has never happened. Now that it has worldwide, where the whole world is locked down, everybody's got to step up in a big way with this. I mean, this has to be as much of a priority as natural defense or immigration or health care or anything. Because this can put all of them to end if there's a real, like, really deadly disease. This disease is obviously not good. It's terrible.

But this is a warning. This is really a shot over the bow in comparison to a lot of diseases. And I think the other thing is, and again, this is where, you know, when people talk about, I don't know, government power and government this or that, like, this is when the government is supposed to operate. This is when the government is supposed to tell the medical world, like, all right, this is what you do. Yeah, we'll pay.

Don't worry. We're going to fucking pay you. But right now, if someone walks in sick, you lock them down and you don't send them away because they don't have insurance and stuff. Because, I mean, we have, you know. Well, that spreads more. So much of that, right? Our whole medical system based on, like, it's always been frustrating to me when you go to a doctor, their first question is, where's your insurance card?

Not how are you feeling, not what's wrong. And it's the system. But this was a case where they needed to say, all right, put all that shit aside. You're going to take care of patients. We're going to isolate. Because with the Ebola thing, remember, that son of a bitch came, like that one guy came from Africa or something, and they, like, locked that son of a bitch up. They were like, no, man, you ain't going near anybody. You're going to be in a ward sealed off. Nobody's coming near you who's not wearing full protection.

And they stopped. I don't know if stopped is the right word. It's not as nearly as contagious. Yeah, they caught it. No, it's not wearing full protection. And they stopped. They, I don't know if stopped is the right word. It's not as nearly as contagious. Yeah, they caught it. No, it's not as contagious, but they took it seriously. And the medical community has to, like, we need them now. You know what I mean? And we need them beyond, the government is the one who has to say,

this is what you'll do. We'll pay you for it. You know, and we'll pay later. And listen, that that's what we do. And people talk about, you know, how much is it going to cost? And I, well, right now that we got to deal with this, you know, no, nobody worried about the cost of winning world war two. They were like, fuck, let's win the war and then we'll figure it out. And then we turned out to make even more money afterwards, right? And yeah, there's a military industrial complex

that makes money and blah, blah. Yeah, you can always find all of this negative shit. There's going to be people who rip off contracts and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's bad and it exists. But the government needed to step up. Our government didn't step up on this. They didn't give people real information. And like you said, we got different information

from different people. You didn't know if it was a real or a hoax. You didn't know what to do. Well, there's a bunch of things going on here, but one thing that shows the need for something like what a lot of people like Bernie Sanders are calling for was have healthcare for everybody. Yes. Yeah. We need to have healthcare should be a basic right. Just like a fire department is just, and in a lot of ways I compare it to fires because like if your house catches on fire and no one does shit about it,

then it burns the house next door. And that's same with pandemics. If someone gets sick and we don't have a way to get them healthy quick and have a way to make sure that they, they have healthcare, like they don't have to worry like that. You could just go somewhere and you're not going to be spreading this just go somewhere and they'll treat you and then you won't have it right and your mom won't have it no one will have it like and you

won't go bankrupt they're not there yet you won't you won't go bankrupt i hope this wakes people up all these guys who just want small government sometimes you need a lot of government you need like this yeah this is when you need a big government with power. Yeah, this is what the government does. And this is a perfect example. Because unless you are in that category that you could afford a bunker in New Zealand. Those dudes? They're okay.

How many of those? There was a story about a Silicon Valley guy who had a bunker in New Zealand and he had to call the manufacturer because he forgot his combination. Right, he forgot his code. So he's got a cargo. If you got bunker in New Zealand money, you're okay. If you've got David Geffen's $200 million yacht that's sailing, you're probably all right.

But most of us... Then you got to worry about pirates and all kinds of other crazy shit. If they know that you're locked in the ground in New Zealand, they just wait outside the bunker hole. Although New Zealand's kind of got this wrapped up. They do. They have no deaths now.

There's no new deaths. But you're like 1,000 miles from Australia. New Zealand is definitely like, hey, you ain't getting in. Yeah, they're not letting anybody in. New Zealand's amazing. I've never been, but from what I've learned from people that go there all the time and my friends that actually live there, it's fucking beautiful. That's what I hear. I have a friend who runs motorcycle tours in New Zealand, and I keep saying, yeah, one year I'm going to go.

That's another thing that's going to happen. All the stuff we've been, I'm going to do one day. You're going to start doing that. When the world opens up, we're going to start doing that. Yeah. I think we're all going to start doing that yeah i think we're all gonna start doing that oh i was gonna do this one day we're gonna start doing more so i hope a lot of people get out of dead-end jobs look when your job dissolves and you're forced to do something

else you know there's a lot of people that got stuck in a situation in life and they were on momentum and now that momentum is completely stopped You get all that time to yourself, all that time to reassess. Well, I had that thought, like, what would I do if there's no more stand-up? I don't know. I don't know. It's a bummer. It's a bummer of a thought. Does that mean that it's got to mean there's no more restaurants too?

Yeah. I don't think it'll go away because, you know, I've had those interviews. And comics tell the truth. Like like we're the truth tellers. We always have to do that in a podcast. So we'll still be around. I say we're going to survive. Stand up is going to take a while. How long to be different? I have no idea. If you had a guess, if you had a bet, if you bet a hundred bucks, when does the comedy store open up again? Summer.

Yeah. At like half capacity, you think? Yeah. People wear masks? Yeah. I don't know if they wear masks or we just have to sit a certain distance from each other. But I think, again, I think they're experimenting now. I think these opening up places in Georgia.

What do you think is going to happen with that? If you had to guess? I think it's too soon. I think it's too soon. Yeah. Especially the other thing was, cause I was reading about New Zealand and it's almost like they're doing the exact opposite. Like they said, the places with personal contact, the, the hair, nails, massage, whatever are going to the last places to open. And I think that's what it should be. I mean, that's very close contact when someone's doing your hair or your nails. Someone sent me some shit from Germany where they have a line on the floor,

like a caution line, and these ladies are behind the line with long sticks. At the end of the sticks, there's a comb. At the end of the stick, there's a hairdry end of the stick there's a hair dryer i'm not bullshitting probably and and maybe that'll work but you know like like in georgia like they're opening the tattoo part like i don't think that that's an essential service you need right now well i think you don't want the tattoo artist to go out of business the question is well yeah that is true that no i i get that from When do they open it and who gets to decide? I think you do it.

Well, again, they're experimenting. But I think you do it in stages, right? So before you open the tattoo parlors, maybe we go to restaurants and sit at every other table and see how that works. But I don't think it's a bad idea for the tattoo artist either because you can decide to let someone in the business, right, and make them wear a mask and keep them away from you. I mean, if you can get people tested, if you can go to a tattoo artist and say, hey, here's my test.

I got it yesterday. Here's the results. Why is that so hard? Like, we need to have, like like some sort of a document that you can carry. Where are your papers, Alonzo? No, you're right. And this was another one of that, you know, best and brightest and come together, right? The companies, the science companies, like the government should be like, all right, drop whatever you're doing. We don't need more Viagra. We need a test for COVID. You know what I mean?

Like develop something so we can – because testing is a thing. You got to test people. People are locked up in their houses. They're not going to stop making Viagra. People are fucking like wild animals right now. Nine months from now, there's going to be an overpopulation bump like the world's never seen before. We're going to go from we're going to replace everyone who died in a week like what the fuck happened that's going to be the

big pandemic the big pandemic is we're running out of delivery room doctors there's not enough there's not enough doctors to deal with all these people shitting out kids oh man that well good that would. That would be a positive thing. That's a positive. Maybe. But, yeah. Well, yeah. And what you said is true.

Listen, I'm not anti-tattoo artist by any means. I got them. I get it. But I was just using that as an example. It shouldn't be the most important thing to be open. Food stores obviously stayed open during this entire time. They're the most important thing. Gas stations, that's important.

But at a certain point in time, we have to figure out, like, what is the threshold? Should we quarantine old people and sick people from here out? And should we let regular people go free? And should we make testing more readily available? Those are the things, like, make testing way more available and leave it up to people to make their own decisions at a certain point in time. You can't just keep people locked up. No, you can't keep them locked up because we're getting fever here in L.A., right? We were fine being locked up for those couple of weeks when it was 60 and raining.

Yeah. But when it hit 85 and the sun is out and we don't have to go to work. And you can't even go to the beach anymore. Yeah, it's like, oh, now is when you can't keep people locked up. And it's a late spring in a lot of the country, but as the weather gets warmer and people getting on each other's nerves in the house,

like, that's when you gotta let, you know. So, yeah, testing is a big thing. And just what you said, if there's somehow you get tested, and then you have proof, like, yeah, I've been tested, I'm okay, then you're like, okay, now you can function. You can, like, if you're running a business, if you're running the nail salon or the tattoo place or whatever, you know, like George Wallace tweeted this thing about bowling.

He's like, don't everybody share shoes at the bowling alley? Bowling alleys are essential? In Georgia, bowling alleys are essential? In Georgia, bowling alleys are on the list. So, you know, you got to, before you get your bowling shoes, you got to show them

your test card. That's going to be it. And it is also a function of where you are, right? Obviously, New York, where the population density is just unbelievable, it spread more and you got to be more careful. Here in LA...

Plus pollution, air pollution, people who smoke. There's a lot of factors, obesity, a lot of factors. We're in our cars in LA so much that we don't interact as much as New York. And then if you're in Iowa or Oklahoma, someplace where the population is more spread out, then it is going to be easier because you're just naturally you don't encounter people as much. Yeah. Like if you have a small town, like there's this case going on with a small town in Northern California where they don't have any cases and they just want to open up. And like, can't we just keep going to the town? Can't we have restaurants if no one's sick?

As long as new people don't come into this town, this town's clean. Yeah, but then how do you stop that? If you have restaurants, how do you stop the people from San Francisco from driving up to your restaurant? Dirty outsiders. There you go. You can't. Because as soon as people find out that, oh, that county has opened up and they've got restaurants back there.

Well, like the beaches, right? The LA beaches are closed, but Orange County and Ventura beaches are open. No, the governor has closed the whole state down because of that. When they were open, LA people just went to those. I was so torn on that. On one thing, like, yeah, what if those people do get people sick?

But the other part is, man, if you're stuck in a fucking apartment, like the only happiness that you've gotten out of all this is when you got to go to the beach. Yeah. Now that's gone? Right. Yeah. It's a tough line. You've got to let people out. And when people go out, they've got to behave.

Right. So when? What's the number? President Alonzo, what should we do? Everyone, we keep the lockdown until May 15th. And then what? May 15th, we... Open up the Comedy Store.

It's an essential business. May 15th, we reassess. We assess where are we at? There's still an increased number of people getting infected. Has it stabilized? Right. And what does it look like in Georgia? And what does it look like in Georgia? And what does it look like in Texas?

As long as we got them. What does Florida look like? Let's see what they do. You can't count Florida. You can't. You can't count Florida. I got friends. I love people in Florida, but sorry, Florida. We're just going to have to. We can't count you guys. You're a different thing. You guys are different. that's not America.

That's Florida. That's a weird third world country. It's just – no, it's an alternate reality. That's what it's like. It's an alternate reality. Florida's an alternate reality. Even when you're in Florida, there's two Floridas, right? Because there's coastal Florida.

There's Florida they tell us about, which is Miami, Fort Lauderdale, Orlando, Tampa. Then there's that middle. Pensacola. Then there's that middle of Florida that they don't talk about. Swamp. Swampland. Where they made that Leonard Skinner music. What, Jamie? That order from the governor, I saw it going around last night.

It was an order that was sent. It was going around as a memo that was sent to Sheriff's Office. As I'm reading right now, it's not an official order. So why did all these stories? God damn these fake news sites. These sites were saying the governor said he's closing down all the beaches. So what is it?

Pull the story up so I can see it. Previous reports say there were conversations that they were having. Maybe he panicked. I want to get rehired. Previous reports for Newsom's orders indicated he planned to close all the state's beaches, which drew widespread criticism from some state officials. When asked what changed his mind on closing state beaches, Newsom said that they never did, and this is exactly the conversations we were having.

So they never did close all the beaches. When is this? This is from five hours ago. Okay. Officials in other parts of California have spoken out against a blanket beach ban in California. Sheriff William Hanso, who oversees Humboldt County, in the northern part of the state where they get high as fuck, said he strongly opposes the order and indicated in a tweet that he would not enforce it. If an order is issued, I believe violates our constitutional rights.

I will not enforce it. Good for you, Sheriff. Yeah, only I wish he hadn't said it that way. He's right, though. He's right. It does violate your constitutional rights. But then, see, the problem with that is that that brings out the crazies, right? The angry people.

But he's responded. Look, Newsom's actually reacting to this. Said his office received letters regarding the beach closures, but said that his decision is guided on what local health officials think is appropriate and what's not. When you pull back too quickly, you literally put people's lives at risk. People are literally dying. I don't like when a governor uses literally twice like that. I'm a stickler for some sort of grammar. Because the decisions that were done without a real frame of focus on public health first,

Newsom said, that's what ultimately guide our decisions. That's good. But you got to also give people freedom. You got to give them the opportunity. If they don't want to go to the beach, there should be a way you can avoid going. If everybody else is still locked down, how much does it really spread if people go to the beach and then come home? Well, this is the thing, and this is where common sense, like I get the constitutionality of it,

but when you say that, that angers people. That word angers people. So you use common sense. And I get what the sheriff's saying. Like if you're in Humboldt County at a small beach, that's not the same as opening Santa Monica. Right. So you look at individually where are you at,

what's the population, who's going to the beach? And that's why, yeah, you leave it up more. It's more of a local decision because California, the coastline is so big and so long, there are some places where it's going to be packed and other places where it's not. And the places where it's not going to be so packed, let them open. Those places are weird. Those places we go to like Redwood country, you eat at a bed and breakfast and the people who run the place are odd. But let them, let them open, but you can't

open, you know, Venice because that's just going to be too dangerous. And that's where, and that's why when I say the constitutional work, because once you say constitutional, then you bring out these people that want to make it a protest. I want to make it a thing. And these are people who don't even care about going to the beach. They just want to make it a thing. It's like, don't fuel that fire. Right, right, right. Don't throw logs on that fire.

Those are the dudes who want to ranch on public land for free and they pull out guns and try to keep the feds away from their cows. Like the guns. Like that was the thing, right? When they first said guns are not essential, then they pulled back on that. Well, it was essential, and then they decided to stop it from being essential because there's giant lines outside a gun store. And people were kind of tweaking. And then people complained about that.

And then they stepped in and said it's not. And everybody said, fuck you. And then they go, okay, we're kidding. You can have your guns. So let me tell you, because I directly experienced this. Last week I bought a gun. I bought a gun last week. This is the first time you've ever owned a gun.

No. No, I owned a gun back in the 80s. I used to target shoot with some guys I worked with up in Oakland. But I bought a gun, right, because all of this went down. And people are like, why did you buy a gun? I said, because the purge went from a movie to a documentary. I was like, I don't want to be the only one, you know. But the way I had to do it was you go online and you make an appointment with the gun store.

And then you show up and you wait outside. Like, they come. What did you buy? I bought a Glock 45. Oh, stepping up. Yeah. So I checked with the gangbangers. They were like, yeah, this is the one you hold sideways.

But anyway, you had to wait outside, you know, six feet apart or whatever. And they brought you in one at a time. And then I was able to do it. I did the background check. By the way, the people who fight against the test and the background check, like, how, like, do you understand how, have you done it? Do you know how easy these questions are?

They're very easy. There's questions on there like, are you a felon? Yes. Are you, you know, is there currently a restraining order out against you? Like, well, who would check yes on that box? Well, you have to. Because if they find out that you're lying, you'll never get a gun. Right.

Well, you know, I'm pretty confident that I'll pass and I'll get it. And the guy was cool. This was one of my concerns was I was, because I don't know what gun store to go to, right? So I said, man, don't let me walk into some place where there's a big Confederate flag on the wall. In L.A.? In L.A.?

In L.A. County, yeah, you can find. Listen, listen, Joe, trust me on this. Trust me on this. But anyway, no, the guy was really cool Trust me on this. They're out there. But anyway, no, the guy was really cool. If you had farm country off the five. Yeah. And the funny thing was, one of the big things was the size of my hands, right?

So I have big hands. So he's kind of like, yeah, man, you got to try it, literally try it on and see how it fits. And the Glock fit my hand really well. And then I was asking about shotguns and he was like, tell him, because I've fired shotguns, I've done that skeet shooting stuff. And he was talking to me about tactical shotguns. And so, so he said, yeah, you want to get, he said, you probably want one of these because you don't really have to aim too well when you got one of these, you just blast

in the direction. I was like, all right, that sounds good. So I'm probably going to get one of those too. But yeah, but it was cool. And, you know, I get it. Like, you know, it's funny because people say that, people have accused me of being anti-gun. And I'm like, no, I'm not anti-gun. I'm pro-common sense. I'm pro-common sense.

What were your thoughts on gun laws before this? Did you think that people don't need to have guns? No, I never thought people don't need to have guns. So why did they think you did? Because I've talked about like we don't need 50 round clips. I had a joke. I said, listen, I got a 50 round clip for self-defense. I'm like, if 50 people want to kill you at the same time, maybe it's you.

Perhaps there's some part of your personality you need to look at i'll tell you one thing i've always got about guns i'm a motorcycle guy i'm a car guy and i know some gun people and from the mechanical artistic point like this is you know what i mean yeah i get that like yeah there are guns that are beautiful just from a mechanical standpoint like you look like this is a beautiful thing and and if you want to shoot it and shoot targets and this and that, great. If you want to hunt like you hunt, I called you. Remember, I texted you a while. I said, Joe, if this shit goes down, I'm coming to your bunker because I know you know how to kill animals.

Like, I got a friend who knows how to kill animals. I'm going to go hang out with him. It would be way more difficult than that. I had this conversation earlier today. Someone was asking me if would you be okay and i'm like you you probably would not be okay with no civilization because you'd break an ankle and you die you you get an infection and you die and good luck finding animals all the time and what if you run out of arrows or what if you run out of bullets you can't make your own bullets like it could get real weird real quick but but all of that aside but those are the people

who i'm like those are the ones we need to watch the ones who's like i gotta have this whole yeah bunker full of ammo and this and that i have 150 000 guns the government's coming to get me and all that like those are the ones so when when i talk about gun laws and that's why i say common sense there's a common sense level to it, you know, that I'm okay with. But no, I'm not anti-gun. The thing about people is they think it's a slippery slope. So if you say, I am for the Second Amendment, but I don't think you should have 50 round clips or I don't think you should have that. And they're like, well, who gets to decide?

Who gets to decide? Common sense. You know, who should decide should be the majority it should be people but but again this is where we're all one side or the other and common sense is in the middle if if we had a government a congress whatever that could debate and talk about and have input and say hey the hunters say that we need this and now it all makes sense, then you come up with a reasonable gun thing. Like, for instance, I think that cars are a good example. Like, we regulated guns the way we regulate cars in the sense you have to have a license

and when you sell it, even privately, if I sell my car to you, I notify the government like, hey, I just sold my car to Joe, VIN number, blah, blah, blah. He's now responsible for it. Hold right there for a second because I need to find out if this is true. Someone just told me that in Georgia, they're going to let kids have driver's license now. That's 100% true? That you don't have to go through a driver's test now?

Not like the last step of going to the DMV. Can we pull out an article on that so I can read what the parameters are? That is terrible. Do you remember how bad you were a driver when you first started? You know what, again, Joe, when they do this, I'm like, yeah, why the hell not? Why the hell not? Let's give the kids... We're going to see six-year-olds with no experience.

Just go ahead. Road test requirement for driver's license during coronavirus. Wow. Right, because why would you need a road test to drive a car? Look at this. The state government will rely on the honor system with parents giving young drivers

the okay to obtain a license in fucking Georgia. Jesus Christ. Joe, once again, once again, common sense. See, now that you saw that and your common sense meter went,

oh, hell. Georgia's reckless. They're letting people go to barbershops. They're letting people get a license with no test. You know Georgia's right next to Florida. Oh, yeah. I'm just saying. Real close.

But I would think of, no offense, Florida, but I would think of Georgia above Florida. I think Atlanta above any city that is in Florida. No offense, Florida. But Miami's a party city that is in Florida. No offense, Florida. But Miami's a party city. All the rest of them. There's not a city that has the kind of sophistication that Atlanta has. Right, but Atlanta is an island within Georgia. Yes, that's the problem.

Atlanta's like an island. I know. So we look at Georgia, we think, oh, yeah, Atlanta. I've watched that Real Housewives show. Right, right. The rest of Georgia, there's a lot of wild places. It's like California, right? Everyone thinks of L.A. and San Francisco, but there's a lot of California in between L.A. and San Francisco.

Yes. That is different. Like Humboldt, the guy that thinks you're violating the constitutional rights and he's not going to enforce it. Yeah, it's California on's not going to enforce it. Yeah. It's California on the way up to San Francisco. When you take that five, that's what I was talking about. Yeah.

That's farm country with anti-abortion billboards. That's right. And the whole water thing. They're fighting against the cities for the water. Exactly. Water rights. Yeah. There's a lot going on.

You know, so. So, yeah, I think that, again, if it worked, if the system worked, we'd have a system of common sense. Unfortunately, we just have one extreme or the other. The thing about no guns, it's like there's already millions of guns out there. So that's impossible. That's an unreasonable thing to say. It is, but it's one of those conversations that doesn't have an answer. It's not a clean answer. So when people bring that up, they go, well, Australia did it.

I'm like, okay. First of all, A, there's only 20 million people on the whole fucking continent, and it's the size of the contiguous United States. So there's more people in California than there is in Australia. So shut the fuck up. Yeah, and they also did it over a period of time. They did it pretty quickly. And they did it in a period of time. They did it pretty quickly. And they did it in a moment of outrage.

Exactly. They did it in a moment of outrage and unfortunately used us as an example. Yeah. You can still get guns over there for hunting, though. People hunt with guns over there. Well, Canada. People hunt in Canada, you know. And Canada had a mass shooting not too long ago.

Yeah, yeah. But, so, you know, yeah, like you said, it's one of those without an answer. That's the problem. If you definitively think that this is the way and you don't see the other side of it, then you're going to always have this polarized argument. Right. Pro-gun, anti-gun. And if people would lose that, if they lose the I have to win.

Right. And just like let's come up with a compromise that works. But the gun people, particularly NRA people, they don't think you should give up any ground. Because if you give up any ground from where we are right now, it's just a slippery slope. You're going to keep taking. And they do have a point with some people. Now, a lot of those people that used to think like that now are buying guns, which is hilarious. A buddy of mine's wife was, you're never having a gun, you're never having a gun.

This shit went down. You need to get a gun. He said it was a 180 switch and it happened immediately when everything was shutting down. You start thinking of people in their worst case possibility rather than, oh, we live in a nice area. We're fine. Yeah. And again. We're fine. Yeah. And again, you're right. Either extreme is impossible.

Neither one wants to give up an inch. And you both have to give up an inch. You know, neither one wants to give an inch, but you both have to give an inch. And, you know, and again, this is what we were talking about earlier where the federal government, the federal government does need to be involved in a sense where you have like Chicago that has a huge gun problem, partly because you can just drive over to Indiana and buy anything you want and bring it to Chicago. Is that what the problem is? Yeah.

How close is Indiana to Chicago? Gary, Indiana to Chicago, I think it's like two, three hour drive. Oh, wow. And that's where guns come from. When I grew up in New York City, right? three-hour drive. Oh, wow. And that's where guns come from. When I grew up in New York City, right?

New York City has some of, if not the strictest gun laws in the country. I knew guys. You go down south, you go to Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, buy any gun you want, drive up and sell them in New York. Because remember, our borders, you know, there's no border between states. You drive. I hope that stays the way it is. I know that's a terrible thing that people are bringing guns from Virginia, but I hope the border thing stays the same.

If you want to drive across the country, you can just go. Yeah, I think the border should stay the same, but I think there has to be some sort of federal oversight to this. Of what? Again, what you can buy, what's required to buy it. If you had to provide ID to show who you are and where you live. So now if you're in- To buy a gun, you mean? Yeah.

You should have more than that. You should definitely do that too, though. But that's what I'm saying. So now if you're in one of the more lax states like virginia and i'm just using these example i don't know specific laws but a virginia or arizona or something like that you know you can't just go there you live in california live in new york and go there and buy one like you got to prove like yeah i live in arizona so i can buy the so i'm subject to arizona. Yeah, how does that work?

If you're a citizen of the United States and you drive to Arizona, can you just buy a gun like you live in Arizona? From what I understand, and listen, I'm far from an expert, and I know there's experts listening. We should probably Google this. But the gun shows,

I think that's where they said you have a lot of... A lot of fuckery in the gun shows. Because the gun shows is just one guy, one person selling to another, and that's where it gets really vague as to what the rules are. People buy all kinds of illegal shit. Right. So I think in a gun store, you need to provide ID and stuff like that. But the gun shows, yeah, it gets really kind of a gray area. Didn't Bruno from – didn't Sasha Baron Cohen,

this Bruno character go to a gun show? Yeah. Super gay character. Yeah, guns are fun. The problem is people are morons. It's not, the problem is not that guns aren't fun. You know, I get, I like guns. I have friends who are really gun nuts.

You know, I have friends that have so many guns, they don't know how many guns they have. They love guns, and they love them for the mechanical thing. It's their hobby. Like, some people are really into muscle cars. Some people are into motorcycles. And again, I'm absolutely cool with that because most of the people, I knew one guy who he was one, like, I'd be worried about. You know, he was one like, yeah, this guy's waiting for a reason. I have a friend who's a gun nut.

He got carjacked and he shot a guy and killed him. But most of the gun guys I knew, they collected them. Like you said, it was like muscle cars or motorcycles or whatever. It was just their thing. And they were good. And the other thing is the gun safety. You know, these idiots, like there's so many stories like, yeah, the gun was in the back seat and the kid shot the gun safety. You know, these idiots, like, there's so many stories, like, yeah, the gun was in the back seat, and the kid shot the other kid.

And it's like, come on. There has to be some kind of safety and liability issue. You know, like... What's morons? That's what it is. It's not you. You would never do that. I would never do that.

Right. It's the problem is you're taking something with godlike powers, and you're giving it to morons. And so there has to be that. You have to somehow. You're too dumb for a gun, bro. Regulate the moron. Yeah.

Give them a simple test. You know, man, we've talked to a few people and yeah. It shouldn't be just, are you a felon? It should be like a competency test. Right. You know, I mean, you need a competency test to drive a car because a car could be deadly. Well, no, you don't. No, you don't. You just need to go to Georgia.

Just need to move there. They're probably taking so much heat for that right now. People are probably freaking out. But then again, maybe not because it's Georgia. And again, if you're way out on a farm in Georgia and you want to drive the pickup truck, then that's probably

okay. Yeah, right. Exactly. But if you're in downtown Atlanta at 16 and your parents are like, yeah, you can have a license. What the hell? Oh my God. People just cutting people off and hitting blinkers and you're going to be in a panic.

That's hilarious. Man. That's so true. But it's such a poorly fucking thought out idea. Yeah. Who decided that? Who decided that? Who decided that? Yeah, screw the road test.

It was the governor of Alabama that didn't want to shut down. She goes, we're not California. Yeah. Was that what it was? Yeah. It's like, no, you're not. We're not California. Craziest place in Alabama.

Have you been to Huntsville, Alabama? I've been to Dothan. Dothan, Alabama. I did a UFC there in 1997. First UFC I ever did. Oh, okay. I've been to a couple different places in Alabama. Well, here's the thing.

Huntsville, Alabama? Rocket scientists. It's where NASA is. When I drove in, there's a Saturn V rocket. Holy shit. You're like, this is Alabama. Literally, they are rocket scientists.

Some of the smartest people. Can you imagine the rocket scientists and the locals? That's exactly it. It's the last thing you would expect. It blew my mind. Look at that. Yeah.

The U.S. Army. These are literally some of the smartest people in the country. In the world. Yeah. And there they are. In Huntsville, Alabama. I bet they have good food there, though. Yeah, they had all kind of good food.

The southern people know how to eat. It was one of those things that you're like man this is this is insane it's just weird like you didn't i didn't expect it there isn't that funny when you think about that that people have been cooking over fire forever but southern people were like hold on slow it down a little let's slow it down a little slow cook that motherfucker you know what because they're not worried about it being healthy that too you know oh yeah there's sauces and hey they figured out i want some i want some chicken fried chicken with a cream sauce and they like they don't give a fried steak chicken fried steak is fucking

when it's done when it's done right man you know but then but then they they take it too far right now we're deep frying twinkies you're like okay stop this is so your heart just stops yeah but chicken fried steak when done right with that gravy and some mashed potatoes like i remember one time we did a show uh in at the club. What was the club there? Was it the Funny Bone? The Punchline. Punchline. Punchline Atlanta.

We did that club, and then afterwards we went to this local diner that had chicken fried steak. And I was like, oh, my God. Yeah. It was so fucking good, man. They know how to make food. Oh. It was insane. You get some sweet potatoes and this or that and then you know

some cobbler for dessert and like yeah but nobody's counting calories nobody's counting calories you know well you gotta think the people that probably earned the right to make that food back in the day were probably working some crazy hours on some farm. Yeah, you do physical labor all day. Like, who the fuck invented all those foods? Like, who was the first guy to look at a barrel and look at another barrel and be like, I need a barrel where I cook on, and then another one next

to it, so the smoke's coming in the side and slowly cook this fucker. Somebody did it by accident. And then they were like, man, that was good. Or maybe they just cooked something. They go, oh, I need to cook this. I don't want to cook it right now.

I'm going to just kind of put a little bit of a fire and just let it sit for a while. I don't have the time to pay attention to it. I'll come back to it in an hour. Let it cook all day. Or they tasted the smoke in something. And they're like, man, that's good. How do we just get that flavor? I don't know.

But thank God for them. Thank God for them. Because they do know how. Is that an American idea? No. Torrey Kiln Smokehouse, the first smoking device in smoking history. And what did they cook there? Was that salmon?

People love smoked salmon. Just as meat. Just meat? Scotland. Oh, yeah, because in Montreal, smoked meat is like, that's what they call like deli meats. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's something like pastrami.

Yeah. It's something like pastrami, but it melts in your mouth. Oh, it's so good. Montreal? Yeah. Oh, my God, it's so good. The place where you line up outside. What is that place called?

I don't know how I'm forgetting the name because I've been there. But yeah, now here's a place. You talk about social distancing. There is no, you just had to sit at the bench next to whoever and eat your smoked meat. And then as soon as you finished, they were like, all right, get out. Someone was waiting for your seat. That's not the name of the places. I feel like it was like a guy's name.

It was like a dude's name. It's like Frank's or something like that. But it's not Frank. But it's a smoked meat. It's the most. Don't look up smokehouse. Look up smoked meat. Yeah, there you go.

See, there it is. Smoked meat. See if there's a restaurant shows as much as we've done the festival I don't think it's Augie's Schwartz's Deli that's it

look at that 12,000 reviews all five stars it's fucking good you wait in line you get your smoked meat you sit down next to whoever you eat it and you get the hell out oh shit they're open i guess they're probably doing to go in montreal it's so cold up there that virus doesn't have a chance the virus probably dies as soon as it comes out of your mouth virus in winnipeg i remember the first time they're wishing for a virus in winnipeg. I remember the first time it was in Montreal in December. They're wishing for a virus in Winnipeg.

That's what it looks like too. God damn it looks good. The Jews know how to make those goddamn meat sandwiches. Pastrami Reuben from Cantor's? Yes. Oh. So good. I wonder if they're open. Are Cantor's open?

Is Cantor's open right now? I hope we don't lose too many restaurants. I'm if they're open. Are Cantor's open? Is Cantor's open right now? Cantor's should be open. I hope we don't lose too many restaurants, man. I'm real scared of that. We're going to lose a lot of the private, you know, the ones that aren't part of a chain or whatever. Yeah, we got to support them. Yeah, that whole thing was crazy where like Ruth's Chris gets $20 million and, you know, all of that. Well, I guess they think of it from an economic perspective. Ruth's Chris employs, you know, 50,000 people or whatever it is in all the different locations.

You know what it was? It was that they went by individual restaurants. So, like, if you had, I think if you had over 6,000 employees or something, you were considered a big business. But each restaurant only has, you know, 40, 50 people. So that's how they got the money. What? So they got a small business? Right.

Yeah, they got small business. Franchises were included in it. What? Yeah, franchises had stores under less than 50 or 500. Right, they count each one. They don't count the whole nationwide corporation. They count each one, and that's why they got the money. So individual Ruth Chris got the money. And, like, could own, uh, Alonzo Bowden's Ruth Chris, you could have your own Ruth

Chris. Well, the theory was that this money would be divided amongst all of the restaurants, but of course it wasn't going to happen. The money was just going to go to corporate. And then they, basically they got shamed out of, you know, they were like, they were shamed. So they gave it back? I don't know. Did Bruce Chris? Yeah. Because like Steak Shack and the other places, they were like, no, we're not going to take the money.

Okay, good. Bruce Chris Steakhouse returns a $20 million federal loan in response to public demand. I remember Bruce Chris back when people thought butter was bad for you. They were putting butter on steaks. Yeah. That was back when they were like, who gives a fuck about your health? Right. Like butter on the steak.

And then when they realized that butter is actually good for you. Like Ruth Chris is the head of the game. They were the head of the game. They were way ahead. Did you ever hear the story of how they got that name? Yeah, I forgot it though. It was Chris's Steakhouse and this woman bought it. And in the contract, they had to keep it chris steakhouse

so that's why it's ruth's chris steakhouse ah good for her yeah she's like fuck you and then her her brilliant idea and it was a great idea she said that i think it was originally like in louisiana and texas and she said these businessmen travel, and everywhere they go, they're going to want to eat steak. So she started opening up where these guys went in business so that they would recognize the restaurant. She's a very smart woman. Very smart woman. That's a very smart move. And that's how she built the franchise.

That's very accurate. That's how she built the franchise. If I'm with my friends, we're going to go eat somewhere, we look for a steakhouse. Right. Right. And if you recognize one and you know it's good, then that's where you go. Yeah. Good move. That's a good move. Yeah.

The whole steakhouse thing, it's like that is a very uniquely, at least we look at it that way, a very uniquely American thing. I know they have steakhouses other places but the sheer numbers of steakhouses we have over here. I think we have the number, but those Brazilian steakhouses. Oh, churrascarias.

Where they just walk around with the meat. Now, that's a male thing, right? You take a woman to a restaurant, like, look, they've got unlimited meat. All you can eat, meat. Men just like, yeah, just bring me more. Just keep bringing me meat. Keep bringing me meat. In Beverly Hills?

Absolutely. That place will wreck you. Yeah, you put the green square up, just keep it coming. You will flip that bitch over red. You will give up. You will give up. Sometimes they just keep coming one after the other. Chicken leg, you know?

Filet mignon with bacon. Yeah, and they just carve it off for you right there. But it's like that is such a, yeah, that's like, yeah, I'm just going to sit here and I'm going to eat meat. I'm not going to eat again for three days. And don't go there not hungry. You know what I mean? This is not a place to go worrying about what you're going to eat. Like they have that little salad bar over there like yeah

whatever just keep bringing me different meat like the green is up yeah that salad bar is bullshit you don't even wanna fuck with that you wanna lube up the chute that's what you do get some fiber in there so it kind of pushes pushes the chute

open a little bit gets everything ready for the barrage of carnage and i think this is that time where where you know for me it's like like i told you like you're doing great you're staying in shape and working out i'm trying to keep moving i'm riding a bicycle here and there until you're starting to learn to jump the rope but i will eat something like my justification is like well listen, listen, it's deadly virus. I don't want to die and not have had pizza, you know? And I know it's bullshit,

but it's what I can tell myself. That's just what I tell myself to justify eating this shit at this time. It's like, well, listen, you live by yourself though. Yeah. Yeah.

If we're all going to go, we have meals cause I'm eating at home with the kids and the wife. So every meal has to be healthy. Yeah. Because when you have kids, you can't feed kids bullshit. Right. You have to have some healthy choices. You're teaching them to eat healthy.

Well, no. That's great. You're not doing any working out at all? No, I do some. The bicycle is actually- The bicycle. You go not doing any working out at all? No, I do some. The bicycle is actually. A bicycle. You go outside or inside bike? Yeah, outside.

Inside bike, treadmill, just so boring. I get the discipline of it, but it's boring. But no, I'll get on my bike. But you know what's great? If you have a treadmill or an inside bike, it's movies. Yeah. Watch a fucking movie. You don't even know you're doing it, and you're an hour and a half in and it's over.

Here's an idea. That's the move. A guy, he was telling me, he said, get this Nordic track. I guess it's like the Peloton and, you know, computerized and all. Oh, that's like your ski.

Nordic track is skiing. That was the old Nordic track, but they make a bicycle now that's like a Peloton. Oh, okay. And he was telling me, and I said, man, it's a lot of money to spend

for something to hang my pants on. Do you remember when people had those bullshit ski machines in their house to pretend you're skiing? Yeah. Nobody used those. No. You used it three times. It had the cables. The worst.

So the cables, you moved back and forth, and your feet slid back and forth. You could tell if you went over someone's house and they didn't have their shit together, they either had one of those or they had a Bowflex. Yeah. Or what was the one where it was just rubber plates and you would pull them apart? You remember? It wasn't a Bowflex. It was like that, though.

It was like that. I don't remember. I do remember the Bowflex. And now they have a new Bowflex that's actually like a bow. Yeah. Like, bow. Yeah. Like, yeah. Yeah, it's like, I forget what it's called, but yeah, there's a bunch of bow exercises you can do with it. Nobody's using that. No.

If you use it, you're going to, those are for people that don't have their shit together. You look at that and you go, oh, maybe I'll use it. Okay, I'll get it. But you know why? Because the commercial, they get somebody who goes to the gym who works out regularly to do the commercial and say, yeah, 20 minutes a day with this and I have this body. And you're like, no, you don't. Because I know people with that body and their discipline is beyond belief. You know what I mean?

I used to work with this trainer at Gold's, and she was, like, amazing shape. She had been a bodybuilder, and then she shifted over to fitness, you know, and she just cut up and beautiful and this and that. And I used to tell her, I was like, you understand, if you lived in, like, Oklahoma or Iowa, like, women would kill you. Like, they just wouldn't allow you to exist because you have this perfect body, you know, because when they had that whole thing about women's bodies and the false, what was it? The false image of women's bodies.

The problem with that is when you're in LA, that's not really false because those women, the models who do those pictures are here. You go to the gym. Unrealistic body expectations. Right. Yeah. They're not unrealistic for guys, though. Yeah.

Nobody ever says that about, oh, you old bodybuilders are bullshit because they're fat guys who need love, too. Right. You're giving us unrealistic body expectations. Nobody says anything about that. No, but it's also because— Because we don't feel bad about men that look like shit. Right. Women walking around, like a guy who looks like shit has a shot.

You know what I mean? Like women aren't as particular. We don't care about that guy. Women aren't as picky about it as men are in our minds. You know what I'm saying? Well, it's also that men control the advertising and men objectify women in these ads. But when men objectify men in the ads for women, no one cares. Well, you know why?

Because if the guy's too pretty, oh, he's gay. We could say that. But what if the guy's not? What if he's beautiful? Well, he's not. And he's rugged looking. Yeah, he's not. But I mean, that's the dismissal.

Like, in other words, when women look at that woman and they sell that image. They never say she's gay. She's trying to achieve that image, right? But when they show men that guy, men are just like, yeah, but he's gay. Right, but it doesn't work the other way. Then they don't have to try to compete with him. Yeah. You know, let me tell you something, man.

I was hanging out with Tyson Beckford. You know what Tyson is? A little bit too handsome. It was com handsome. It was comical. It was literally I laughed. Like the way women would react when they saw him and the fact that you don't even exist

in the world. But it wasn't it's not even trying to compete. It's like yeah, okay well I'm going to play a pick up game with LeBron James. You know what I mean? It was like well no, there's no competition. Well he's got two things going on. You just look. It was just fun to watch. Well, he's got two things going on. You just look, it was just fun to watch. But he's also got two things going on. He's famous, too.

Yeah. So he's famous as fuck and he's beautiful. Yeah. And he's tall and handsome. He's got everything. Yeah. So you're like,

what are you going to do? Yeah, it was just that kind of thing. So, you know, so yeah, the unrealistic expectation, you know, my unrealistic expectation went right out the window.

It was like, yeah, well, I ain't competing with that. Girls do get mad, though. But I think some guys get mad, too. Yeah, some do. Bitch dudes. But girls will get really angry if they see some bitch that just showed up at the gym.

She's got a perfect body. Right. And then you're on your treadmill looking down at yourself going, fuck. Yeah. Yeah. And then if they do the whole sexy out workout outfit and the whole thing you know that could be a real problem yeah they get mad at their husbands too what the fuck are you looking at oh yeah that's a problem but you know it's

but again here in la or like miami oh yeah that's unrealistic miami unrealistic. Miami should be rated R. First of all, when you get off the plane, they're like, listen, you're too young to be here. You're going to have to go up to Fort Lauderdale. If you're not 17, it's NC-17. It's not even rated R. Because rated R, you can go with your parents. If your parents are assholes and you're 14, like, yeah, my kid needs to see the slasher movie. But NC-17, you can't take that kid in here the women walking around miami it's so sexy it again it's just comical you know

this is the other thing that like getting older like being my age i'm in my 50s where i'm not chasing them anymore so it's just fun to watch right you know what i mean because it's like watching nature documentaries yeah it's like this is amazing like this do you see this one exotic bird and he's just like she walks around like that every day all the time she just looks like that it's incredible well it's also a superficial culture too is like there's people over there that are really rich there's a lot of flossing there's a lot of wearing the latest shit and driving the fastest the whole thing the biggest

diamonds on your watch and yeah it's just fun to watch you know it's a very interesting caught up in it if you get caught up in trying to be that then you got problems but as long as you remember it's entertainment because that's what it is well it's a city that was sort of built on cocaine yeah exactly exactly which and and that's why it's funny now with with marijuana right with weed they're like we don't know what to do with the weed money and this and that it's like well talk to the people who did miami in the 80s because they managed to turn all that cocaine money into a city like they they managed to well that's already been going on with weed in places where it's illegal like in vancouver for

the longest time there was a documentary that was in way back in the day called the union and it was all about how even though marijuana is illegal in vancouver the city literally depends on it. The industry is built on it. There's so much money in marijuana in Vancouver. I mean, people kind of forgot about it because California has it legal now and Oregon and Washington State has it legal now. But for the longest time, we got a lot of our weed from Vancouver, a lot of British Columbia weed. And so this documentary was essentially showing how it's completely interconnected with the economy up there. It's enormous. And if they pulled out, somehow or another, if marijuana and all the marijuana money just went away and it didn't exist anymore, the economy would probably fall apart or need a huge readjustment.

And that's the way Miami was. Yes, exactly. Yeah, Miami was like... All the banks. Yeah, the banks. They were laundering money down there. There were so many banks. Real estate.

Like that was building office buildings and condos and all of that stuff. Manches on the water. Yeah. It was, you know. But what a city. It's beautiful. What a city. It's a wild place.

It's also on like a very porous stone, which will absolutely go underwater soon. Well, listen, listen. And again, I have Florida friends. I love them. God is continually trying to destroy Florida. He's sending a message. Just throwing things, just hurricanes and tornadoes. Just keep throwing.

Oh, and how about alligators, too? You've got fucking alligators everywhere. Dinosaurs. Alligators and dinosaurs. This is how goofy California is. California banned pythons and alligators. The two things they're trying to kill all day long in Florida. So you can't even buy python skin things.

I mean, literally, there's like a market for, they're invasive. It's a fucking giant snake that comes from another part of the world that shouldn't even be here. Right. Nothing can kill it because it shouldn't be here. They have so many of them in Florida. They're paying people to kill them. Right. You can't even sell the skins in California because we're so goofy.

But the thing with alligators, it's like, why would you go near any water in Florida? You know what I mean? Right. If there's a puddle, like, yeah, stay away. There's probably an alligator. I remember I played golf in Florida, and they were like, yeah, when you hit your ball in the water, like, you don't, like, it's gone. There was a huge one that just caused a traffic jam.

See if you can find that. It was out today in the news. There was a huge alligator in Florida that was causing a traffic jam because it was walking across the road, and people were like, what the fuck? Like 16 foot long goddamn dinosaur. Animals like, since humans are locked away, animals are coming out. You know, they're like coming down into town looking for food. I had a bobcat in my backyard.

And stuff like that. Really? Yeah. Yeah, I hear them. Big fucker. I hear coyotes and owls. Oh, yeah. And stuff, you know, at night, like, yeah, they're close.

They're moving in. As soon as we're gone, if we got wiped out, this place would be overrun with animals in weeks. Yeah, nature would come back. Real quick. Real quick. Nature would come back really quick. Did you find it? It's two years old.

Maybe. Let me text it to you. Yeah, Traffic Jam in Florida. Is it two years old? Yeah, it says April 2018. There's no one that's new? Nope. There's not one that's new?

That's what it looks like. Look at that thing. Maybe. I think it's another one. And that's in Jacksonville. Jacksonville is the town that there's a lot of crazy in Jacksonville. Are you? That's where the UFC is going to be.

Yeah. There's a lot of – that's where the beach thing was going, where the spring break beaches were going. Nothing new. Maybe it's an old one someone sent me. Man found eaten by alligator actually died of meth overdose. I thought the alligator died of overdose for a second. That's hilarious.

I was doing a podcast. Imagine that. You fucking die of a meth overdose and an alligator comes along and eats you. Oh, my God. Doing a podcast called Fear Not with a guy named Barry Glassner who wrote a book called The Culture of Fear. And it's about, you know, what we fear in society. And we had a segment to the podcast. It was just called Fear Florida. named Barry Glassner, who wrote a book called The Culture of Fear, and it's about what we fear in society. And we had a segment to the podcast that was just called Fear Florida because every week something would happen in Florida.

Like Florida, it just – Like that? Yeah. City of Lakeland closes its portion apart because of snake orgy. Of course. Of course. And look, look at the date. Look at the date.

Valentine's Day. It's on Valentine's. Look at the date. Valentine's Day. It's on Valentine's Day, February 14th. It's hilarious. Oh my God. Oh, and an 11-foot alligator was found inside a Clearwater home last week. Of course. You could do this with no end. Florida

could go. It's just an amazing, and again, some good people. Tampa. I love the city of Tampa. Yeah. I have great shows there. I love West Palm. Yeah.

But man. I've had great times in West Palm. The improv down there? Yeah. But some of the stories you hear and some of the things that happen, you're just like Florida. You guys. It's wild.

Florida passed Mississippi a long time ago it used to be mississippi even california we used to be the crazy state yeah california was used now we can't come florida used to be like old jewish people go there and miami used to call it god's waiting room yes that's right the new york people that didn't want to deal with the winter anymore. Yeah, now it's just chaos. Now. It's just pills and fucking madness and alligators. There's so many alligators there. You ever watch Small People?

Yeah. You ever see that show? Oh, man. How could you not watch it? That's one of those shows that when you see it, you're like, I have to watch this. One of the guys that's a commercial killer of alligators, he got a tag for 500 alligators. You can kill five. That's how many they have. 500 alligators.

There's not a shortage of these fucking things. My favorite thing about swamp people is they're speaking English and they still have subtitles. That's so true. That's so true. They're speaking English, but they have subtitles. That's so true. That's so true. They speak in English, but they have subtitles to help us. You barely understand them. There's that sort of Cajun sort of way of talking, which is real interesting, right? Yeah.

Because that's a really unique subset of the Southern accent. That is the hillbilly hand fishing. Did you see that one? Oh, I've seen that one. They noodle. They catch the catfish by letting it clamp down their forearm. Right, right. What in hand fishing? Yeah. Did you see that one? Oh, I've seen that one. They noodle. Yeah. They catch the catfish by letting it clamp down their forearm. Right. What in the fuck?

Yeah. But I guess if you get one of those fuckers, that's like 100 pounds. Yeah. That's a lot of meat, man. That's a lot of meat. So I guess they grab the gills. They let this thing bite their arm. They put their hand in its mouth.

They let it bite their arm. And then they grab the gills and pull this fucker out. Remember we were talking about the guy who ate this slug? Yeah. You know that was the first hillbilly hand-fishing guy was like, hey, watch this. And he stuck his hand inside of a catfish and pulled it out. And they were like, I'll be damned. We got a way to do it.

Yeah. How many guys lost their hands to snapping turtles doing that? Yeah, they're not going to. They never give you the bad side. Snapping turtles scare the fuck out of me. I lived in Florida for a bit. And when I was 11 years old, I lived there until I was 13. And we used to find these fucking turtles.

I guess they're tortoises, right? Because they're on dry land. They would be huge. And they can bite through bone, right? Oh, right through your dick. They can bite right through bone, right? Right through your dick. They can bite right through bone, yeah. They bite your crotch. Like if you're an 11-year-old kid and one decides to bite your dick, that's it.

It's over. They catch a finger, that'll slice your finger right off, clean off. We would put sticks near them and they would bite the sticks. Yeah. We're so stupid. Amazing. No, you were 11. I was also around alligators all the time. When I was 11, we used to go and throw marshmallows into the sticks. Yeah. We're so stupid. Amazing. No, you were 11. I was also around alligators all the time.

When I was 11, we used to go and throw marshmallows into the water, and there was signs telling you to stop feeding the alligators marshmallows after a while. But the alligators back then were actually, they were endangered. Yeah, there was a period. And they were protected, but then the population grew. Skyrocketed. So much. It went from them being protected to them giving someone 500 tags to kill them in my lifetime.

In Orlando, there was one of those alligator farms. And I said, that's for like when dad gets tired after his third day at Disney World when he's tired of the kids. He's like, all right, let's go see some alligators. And if there's an accident, I don't give a shit. I'm tired of you. Well, there's something about alligators that we want to see always because they're so primal. It's such a dinosaur. Yeah.

They're literally- Throw a chicken at it. Yeah, they're dinosaurs, right? They've been around forever, right? Have you ever seen that video where the lady's throwing chickens off the balcony of these crocodiles and they're grabbing the meat and eating it, and one of them reaches and doesn't get the meat, and he just grabs his buddy's leg and spins and rips it off and swallows it, and his buddy doesn't even budge.

He doesn't even budge. This other alligator just ate his foot, and he literally just looks around, or other crocodile rather, just ate his foot. He doesn't even react. Well, that was like the one where, what is it, a deer or something's at the riverbank? And the crocodile jumps out of the river and bites the whole thing and pulls it in. Watch this.

So she throws this meat, right? They all stumble for it. And this one grabs ahold of that one's foot. And just watch. Does the death roll, pops off the leg, and then just swallows it. Well, thanks. And look at the one. He just ate his fucking arm.

He doesn't even react. He's looking at him like, did you just eat my foot? Did you just eat my fucking hand? He doesn't even seem mad. How have we let this thing survive? They're so gross. They have moss growing all over their back. What a creepy-ass fucking monster.

I was Googling this alligator snapping turtle, which is the cross of both things you were just talking about. An alligator snapping turtle? Yeah. Oh, jeez. Oh, I've seen those. Those are fucking enormous. Yeah. They're nasty looking.

Where do those live? In like this. Look at that thing. There's a map of it, I think. Look at that difference. Jesus, look at that thing. Mexico and Central America. What the fuck, man? You know what I like? it i think look at that look at that thing mexico and central america what the man

and you know what i like that guy in the hat that's how that guy always looks right yeah the guy on the right like he's always that guy he's hoping to be the next crocodile dundee look at him he gets bitten by him and no yeah he's the guy that does all the get stung by stuff what is his name again coyote peterson oh yeah he's he's a silly silly does all the get stinged by stuff. What is his name again? Coyote Peterson. Oh, yeah. He's a silly man. But that's the alligator one on the left and the regular one on the right. He's the guy who lets those bugs bite him and shit. There's a new show Shaw was talking about. I watched a little bit of it on History Channel.

These two guys, one's an Australian dude, one's an American, and they go and they let themselves they like let themselves feel the pain and then explain it. Oh, yeah. In a larger way than he does almost. Dude, hold up. While we're doing this, back that up a little bit.

While we were just talking, look at the fucking, right there, leave it right there. Watch his fucking claws. Oh, yeah. So they go over his body here and you can see the plates underneath him and then they show his claws.

Look at that. It's like a grizzly bear. Yeah. and then they show his claws look at that it's like a grizzly bear yeah and then they close in on his face look at the yap on that thing that might as well be in the lord of the rings it might as well be an orc you know like look at that they might as well be riding a horse swinging a fucking axe what a monster you just you thought the honey badger didn't give a shit. Yeah. The alligator turtle, what threat does he have? Is there anything that is a threat to him?

I saw a video of a sea turtle that had a whole bite taken out of it like a cookie from a shark. Yeah. So a bull shark bit through a fucking sea turtle, cut through his shell, cut half the body out, and it was swimming away with three legs and the entrails

were hanging out. It was like, wow. Well, that's the other thing that's been here since the beginning, right? Sharks. Yeah, look at that. Look at that bite mark.

Nature's medal. Yeah. Nature's medal's a great Twitter, Instagram page, rather. Yeah. Yeah, the one in the middle up left,

it looks like something took a bite out of it and it lived. Look at that. It healed up. Damn. Wow. Jesus Christ. It's hard out there for a pimp.

Yeah. Yeah. The ocean's the cruelest bitch. Yeah, because there's shit down at it. Everything's eating somebody. Right. They're like, imagine if that was the outside world like everywhere you look is a fish trying to eat a fish something trying to kill you all the time all the

time it's like africa like this the serengeti squared yeah you know there's always something and we have no natural defenses yeah we got nothing we can't even move and we got no fur we got no claws we We got no scales. We're just, we're delicious. You know what I mean? Like if you're a predator, just an unarmed human being is so easy. So easy. And the fact that we're so stupid, at least on the ground, you feel like you might be

able to like grab a rock and throw it at it or stab it with a knife. But when you're in the ocean, you can't do a fucking thing. You can't breathe. You can't even breathe. You can't move. You barely can move. You're moving. You're the slowest thing.

You're thrashing around. Think about how fast a shark moves and how fucking slow you are. Yeah. And you're like, oh, I'm curious. I just want to go swim around. The shark's like, oh, here they come again, the buffet. What would it take to get you to start hunting? You know, I don't know that I have the patience for it.

What if you were starving? Well, yeah, obviously then. But I think hunting, there's a patience to it. It's one of those things where you wait a long time for that moment of action. Well, it depends on what kind of hunting you do. I see what you're saying with some hunting, like tree stand hunting. You have to have an incredible amount of patience to sit in a tree, and you stay still, and you stay up there a long time.

But spot and stalk hunting, it's not as much patience. Spot and stalk, what you're doing is you're moving along slowly, and then you pull out your binoculars, you the area sometimes you sit down you glass the area then you find the animal and you slowly move towards them and you try to play the wind so the wind is blowing at you so the animal's not getting your scent yeah so that kind of hunting is actually very very exciting but it's also very rigorous exercise like you're going up and down mountains it's like right you have to be in really good shape to be like, if you're going to hunt elk or

mountain goats or some shit like that, you've got to be in really good shape. Yeah, I don't know that that'd be my thing. But what if there's a food shortage? Listen, if there's a food shortage, I'm a big guy. There's going to be a smaller guy who has food. I bought a

Glock. What would it take to get you to move out of LA? Man, I don't know. I mean, in, in some kind of disaster situation you're talking about. Like earthquake type deal. Yeah. Then, then I would go. But otherwise I'm, I've thought about leaving here. You know, I've got friends who've left because of the cost of living and they're living much higher standard living in other places but but i love la at the end of the day i love this part of you know the weather the the the roads i get to play with the motorcycles this and that so this is so my lifestyle i mean i'm i'm mainly a road guy I could live anywhere and still do 90% of the work I do but I love living in LA so um if I were somehow priced out of it that would be the only way left I mean obviously yeah if there's an earthquake or a disaster or something then uh then I'll head to I love living in LA the

way LA was okay yeah I get that I don't know if that's going to be the case anymore. I'm like one of those guys, like if you're playing musical chairs, I'm like, this fucking music could shut off any second now. Now, your kids have always lived here, right? Yes, pretty much. They grew up here. So what do you think their thought would be kids are somewhere kids are adaptable man they adapt really quickly it's interesting because that's one of the things

that i've noticed about them doing uh their school work online they do their school work on computers they're adapting they're just dealing with it they have face time with their friends you know it's it's interesting it's uh and i'm really proud of them for their their ability to adapt and not freak out about it and just accept. And we spend a lot of time together. We do a lot of movie nights. I watch every fucking Adam Sandler movie that ever existed. Basically, except Little Nicky.

I haven't seen that one. Yeah. But I don't think, I think as long as the family's there and there's other kids to be friends with, kids can do all right. They'll adjust. Yeah. Well, and that's partly that, I mean, not even partly, a big part of that is testament to you and your wife as parents to have kids who are like that, you know, versus some kind of spoiled LA kid who couldn't have, you know.

Well, sometimes moving's good too, man. Yeah. No, listen, if I had to, I was just talking with a friend. This summer is 40 years for me in L.A. I moved here in 1980. Damn. Yeah, so this summer is 40 years because his 40 year was this month. And we were talking about it like when we first came here.

We were kids, you know, 18, 19, right out of high school, moved from New York to L.A. and just mind blown. And I've been here long enough to see it. That's why I said when you talk about L.A. how it used to be, I can think of a few versions of the L.A. I've lived in. You know, listen, I got a buddy. We talk about it. We could have bought parking lots in downtown L.A. for $25,000. You know what I mean? Downtown LA used to be like what you see as Skid Row used to be.

The whole downtown was like nobody went downtown. Isn't that crazy? You went downtown. The bankers and insurance people were there during the day. And then at 5 o'clock, it would just close. But how'd that happen? Because there was nothing there. There was no reason to live there.

But why did they build those buildings down there? Because it was business and office buildings, I guess, felt they needed to be downtown. But isn't that weird that they would just have this one spot where there's all these tall buildings, the only part in all of LA and no one wanted to live there. Yeah. Yeah. And that's the way it was. So the opposite of other cities. Right. Like if you go to downtown Minneapolis, there's all these big buildings and a bunch of apartments and people live down there and it's totally normal. They tried to develop, I remember in the 80s they tried to develop downtown and nobody would move down there. In the 90s they tried to develop downtown and people just wouldn't move there. And then they finally, when they got Staples Center, and then they said the big difference was grocery stores. They said when they opened grocery stores, because before, if you lived downtown, you had to go to like Eagle Rock or Pasadena.

Like you had to get on the freeway to go buy food. So once they developed the grocery stores, then people start. And it was also, I think it was also a matter of everywhere else got crowded and expensive so initially downtown was cheap and then it became the the cool spot to be but it's so bum infested oh yeah so crazy how many homeless people are shit on the streets out there but but again like if if you know it's one of those if i knew then what i know now you know i mean like in the 80s man i could have have just bought just a parking lot downtown. Well, maybe there's a spot right now.

There is. We don't know where it is. You know, Englewood, Englewood five years ago, because now Englewood's getting a new football stadium, the new basketball arena, they're developing it all. But now it's too late, right? Yeah. So who knows what that next area is going to be.

What do they call that, gentrification? Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder because I wonder how much of an effect this is going to – first of all, I've talked to my friends in New York City, and they said that a lot of the real estate people are preparing for a mass exodus. They're saying, first of all, if New York City can't be New York City anymore,

like it can't be everybody's just coming there from everywhere else and filling the streets and super crowded. If that can't be the case, then what is it? And if it really is a place where the virus might kick back in again and have a second wave, people are not going to want to buy there.

Well, just look at the past, right? Because if you look at New York in the sixties and seventies, people didn't want to live in a city. They lived in the suburbs. Right. And then the gentrification was all the people in the suburbs, their kids wanted to live in the city. So it would be another movement out of the city to the suburbs and the cities would, I don't know if fall is the right word, but the cities would know, you know what I mean? Because commerce wise, it's always going to be in the city because business is done there. But that's the other thing.

But that's changing now. But the thing with virtual shit. With virtual stuff. But there's, especially New York, New York's going to be a city because New York is a gateway into the United States and New York is banking, you know, Wall Street and all of that. So to an extent, New York's going to be New York. But as far as people living there, yeah, a lot of people, they may go to their homes in the Hamptons or in whatever and say, you know what, I don't need to go to the city anymore. What about all those restaurants that have been there forever, like Keene's Steakhouse? Yeah.

Places that have been there since- Some of those are already, they're already saying some of those won't be back. Fuck. They're already saying some of those places won't be back. Like New York had so many restaurants. New York has so many things, but we don't, who knows, right? Who knows? Who knows what's going to make it?

Like fashion, right? Who knows? Is fashion going to be a thing or are we all going to just wear sweatpants now? things but we don't who knows right who knows who knows like fashion right who knows is fashion going to be a thing or are we all going to just wear sweatpants now well if you have to stay at home have you seen so many people that have been doing these uh things where they're wearing suit and tie yeah but they're wearing shorts shorts and they get busted yeah shorts and no pants wearing underwear right yeah so uh, yeah. What's the new normal going to be in so many levels? Cars, right? People now, they're buying cars online.

So is it going to go back to going down to the car dealership and arguing with this guy and all of that bullshit? Or is it just going to be like, hey, man, I'm going online. This is what I'm paying. And then I'm going to go down there and pick up my car. I don't know. Well, a lot of people are still going to want to kick the tires, drive it a little bit, see what it is. You don't know. There's so many cars that drive so differently.

You don't know what to expect. Unless there's a place where you could test drive a car, you're going to be more reluctant to make that decision. Well, you can still test drive, but the negotiation and the bullshit part, are people still going to want to do that? They're going to want to because there's going to be a limited number of cars, especially the cars that get overpriced. Like a new Corvette, they sell them way above sticker because there's not that many of them. Those kind of cars, you're still going to be able to make money. Yeah. But the cars that are the most cars that sell the transportation car, the Camrys, the Accords and stuff like that.

Do people really they're like, I don't need to test drive it. I know what it is. Well, the real problem is it's a supply and demand thing. Right. And then the other thing is, like, do we need to keep making cars? Like how many of these cars that we still have? Can we fix up? Right.

And get get on the road again. And at what point in time do we stop every year flooding the market with a million new cars or whatever the number is? Yeah. But it's part of our economy. It is. And it's a tradition. And you got all these people in Georgia now who are going to be driving. Ah!

But you know what else is a part of our economy? Fixing cars. Yeah. You know? And there's something to be said for that. More of that is going away yeah because cars are so efficient and digital now you know that that mechanic that you used to go to down the street like he doesn't exist anymore because he's got to have all this equipment to plug the car in yeah and find out you know I mean I drive a BMW

and I say like when you lift the hood of my car it should just say none of your business there's nothing under here for you to touch you don't know how you know what I mean like you have to you have to take this to the dealer and so many

cars are like that now yeah Tesla the electric cars are all going to be like that. You're going to have to take it back to where you bought it. Yeah, you're going to have to take it to an electronics store. And if there's an accident, I don't even know. You can't take a Tesla to a body shop, right? You have to take it back to Tesla or what? No, you can bring it to a body shop.

Oh, okay. Yeah, different body shops that service Tesla only. Right. Yeah, that's what I mean. You gotta have a guy who knows, because there's digital sensors, there's this or that, the other. It's not just putting a fender back on,

because that fender has a camera in it and a sensor and a this and a that. Right, depending upon what happened to it, sure. Right. Yeah. Yeah, that's the future too. The future is an emissionless vehicle. So what we're accustomed to, what we're seeing here over the last month where there's no fucking pollution in the sky, that's probably going to be the future. And people also have to adapt. You know, people from a technological standpoint, in other words, like if you've been fixing, well, I'll give you an example.

If you used to fix carburetors, then you better learn to fix fuel injection because all cars are fuel injected now. There's a few classic cars with carburetors and there's a few guys that they need to fix them. But other than that, if you want to work, so you're going to, if you're fixing cars, either you're going to have to adapt to this digital car or you're just going to go out of business. Or you're going to work on old cars. Yeah. But going to be those guys. But there's not going to be that many. You know what I mean? It becomes more of a specialty because there are fewer of them. It's like 60s muscle cars, right? They're great, but there aren't enough to support all the mechanics that used to fix them.

That's true. So you got to adapt. You got to adapt. And there's always those people who say, ah, these new ones ain't no good. It's like, no, the new ones are good. It's different than what you're used to. Yeah, it's not my thing. Fucking spaceship.

Yeah. How's it not your thing? It's amazing. This guy told me, he told me something, and when he told me it hit, he said, you know why you don't like Teslas? He said, because you like cars and a Tesla's an appliance. And I was like, yeah, that's it. It's so, you know, it doesn't make any noise. It works, but it doesn't have the visceral feel of you.

You drive a 911, right? Yeah, I have one of those. It's a different thing. Does not have that visceral feel of driving. No, but it's way better to drive. Efficiently, yeah. Not just efficiently efficiently the way it moves i know it just goes around things so quickly like you accelerate it's the instant torque it's

the instant torque of electric motors but i still and you know maybe i'm that dinosaur or whatever and i don't knock tesla's like if you want a tesla have a tesla and have fun with i'm not saying you shouldn't i just know it's not for me. Now, I prefer engines. I like engines, too. I like shifting my own gears. I like manual transmissions. But I also like that Tesla. That thing is fun as fuck.

Again, I get it. And I also get the people who say, hey, if you're sitting in traffic on a 405 and the car can drive itself, let it do it. Yeah. Oh, it's way less stressful i'm also joe i'm also out there on a motorcycle man and i see i'm scared of tesla people uh that's a good point they trust the automatic driving so much they're not paying attention right yeah and i'm out there like i'm their target oh i don't know that that tesla i don't know that your car sees me on a bike that That's a good point.

My friend was saying that he answers his emails when he's driving. I'm like, oh my God, no you don't. Yeah, he does. He goes, yeah I do. He goes, I can answer my emails. I go, what? On the highway.

People do things behind the wheel that will scare the hell out of you. And like now. That's so trusting. The freeways are empty now. People are driving so trusting. The freeways are empty now. People are driving so fast. And it's people who don't know how to drive fast. I don't mind someone driving fast who knows how to drive fast or they have a car made to go fast.

I know what you mean. But you got, I mean, man, I'm doing 80 and getting just rocketing past me. Like, I know you're doing 100. Yeah. I know you're doing a buck. There's a lot of idiots. Driver caught going 180 miles an hour. 180 miles an hour.

On Michigan Highway during lockdown. Yeah. What was he driving? Hellcat. 2016 Dodge. Say that again? 2016 Dodge, probably. Yeah, the Hellcat.

Wow. 180. Oh, they caught him. Man. How'd they catch him? I don't know. Helicopter. Yeah.

They saw him and then they- Jesus, they saw him and then they... Jesus. One saw him and then they waited for him. Oh, they set it up up ahead? It's actually a Challenger, but not a big difference. Hellcat Challenger, that's what it is. You don't know shit about cars, son of a bitch. Yeah, but there are people, and there are a lot of cops out now.

There's a lot of cops writing tickets. Good. You don't want a 100-mile-an-hour ticket. How about 180? What do they do with you? They must just put you in jail. Think 180. Here, I think in California, I think you go to jail at 100 or more.

Really? They can. They don't necessarily do, but they can. 180 is a real good argument. But 180. You should be locked up. He said, my fault. I was speeding with another vehicle.

Sorry. According to the officer. My fault. Sorry. Well, sounds good. Where's the other car? At least you're polite. That wasn't in Detroit.

No. In Detroit, my fault. Sorry, ain't going to work. That had to be somewhere in outer Michigan somewhere. Sorry. Sorry ain't getting you off the hook in Detroit. You know, Michigan's a good example of how things can change, right? Because Michigan used to be, Detroit used to be the most profitable or the richest state or the richest city, rather.

Let me get this out right. Detroit used to be the richest city. It used to be a hugely rich city back when they were making cars there. I mean, they still make some cars there, but back when it was the place. Don't even get me started on the American car industry. It's crazy. You talk about a group that took it for granted and didn't adapt to the times and literally sat there and watched the Japanese take all of their business. They watched the Camry become a Chevy.

Used to be just, what are you going to buy? Chevy versus Ford, right? You remember your family. You had Chevy families and Ford families. But there was no talk of any. And they had that market. And they just sat back and built crappy cars and blah, blah, blah, and let that whole thing go. It's ridiculous.

Well, things get weird when you ship stuff overseas, too, or ship jobs overseas. Things are cheaper to make in Mexico or they're cheaper to make in China. Yeah, that exists. But as far as the cars, I mean, American cars in the 70s and 80s were garbage. Garbage. And that was a choice. The factory could have made better cars cars and they just chose not to. Do you think people are going to be more open to the idea of American-made businesses,

supporting American-made businesses after you realize how difficult it is to get things from China during a pandemic and how we're so reliant on China for medicine and for electronics and so many different things? One would hope. I think there's two ways to do it. Either we do that, support American businesses, or, and this is a worldwide thing, open up to the idea of globalization, where it's a global economy, not an individual nation economy. Then who runs it? China? No.

The fuck out of here. America! America! Well, the same people Then who runs it, China? No. The fuck out of here. America! No. Well, the same people who run it now, right? The bankers, right? I mean, they don't give a shit. They don't give a shit about where the money comes from. They're running the money worldwide.

They're in contact with each other. You know what I mean? And I'm not even talking from a conspiracy theory thing. Like, that's just how it works. Money flows throughout the world. And so if you're financing, I don't know, if you're financing Apple computer and Apple computer is building their computers in China, if you're the bank on wall street, you don't care. You care about Apple paying their stock dividends or paying their bills. You know what I mean? So the

bankers who run behind it, they don't give a shit. They just want to make sure it stays profitable. They're not willing to sacrifice that for some ideal of it's good to buy American. Right. But if you can show a way to profitably make it American.

You'd have to get people from America to really find value in buying something that's America because it would cost more. Like how much would it cost to – didn't we've done this before? How much would it cost to make an American phone? Everything. Everything made over here. Is that even possible? I don't think so. I don't think so.

Not anymore. I think it has to come down to those rare materials they're putting in. Isn't that crazy when you think about how many people here have phones and how many people are addicted to phones? We can't even make our own? But we gave that up. But forever? Can't we adjust? The only way to adjust is if other countries bring up their standard living to ours and their income level

ours then the price of labor becomes the same because that's the big variable that's the big difference you make so much value in things being american that you'll pay more for it the same way you pay more for labels right like you'll pay more for nike than you do for some no-name sneaker but then then you have to make it a better product. Well, Nike's a really good product, but there's some sneakers that are not as well-known that are also really good products, but they'll cost like half as much. Yeah. Because Nike has a lot of name brand value.

I don't know why I'm using the word Nike, but it could be anything. You could have Adidas. There's a lot of things that people will buy and they'll pay more for because it's a brand. Yeah. Branding makes a difference. What about the brand of American made? Again, make it better. This was a thing, right? When an American car automatically meant it was- Right, but the brand is not necessarily better, right? There's a pride in owning Nike. You've owned something that's got a great label. What about a pride in owning something that's made in America? But you also have faith in the label. In other words, when you buy a Nike shoe, you have faith that this is a good shoe.

It's a quality shoe. Right? Yeah. So if there was a time when made in America meant it was better, the cars are a perfect example, so you automatically bought it. So now you have to once again build that in. And it takes a long example. So you automatically bought it. So now you have to once again, build that in. And it takes a long time. This is another thing about American economy versus a world, right? American economy, they're based on the profits in the next quarter. You know, whereas like Toyota

was making plans in the seventies to run the American, the world car market in the nineties, 70s to run the American, the world car market in the 90s. Like they plan long term. You have to look at it like that. Right, right, right. That it's not just a matter of quarterly dividends. You have to look at what are we doing with this company. And it has to constantly make more money. Every year it has to make more money than the last. That's how you know it's doing well. Yeah. And you have stockholders that you have to, you know, you have to listen to them. And you adapt and try to make a better product. I mean, you look at like Windows, right? Like we're on Windows whatever. We're not still on Windows 1 because they were like, oh, this works better.

Oh, this didn't work. We got to change that. Oh, this works better. And you keep adapting and changing the product or the same thing. Now, sometimes, you know, like with Apple, with iPhones, it's like sometimes, look, that phone, you just changed it for the sake of changing it. Like, there's a reason there was no iPhone 9, right? They were like, all right, we can't fool them anymore.

We got to hold off. No, they made it the iPhone 10 because it was the 10th year. Is that it? It's the 10-year anniversary of the iPhone. 2017, it started out in 2007. So 2017, there's iPhone X to mark the 10-year 2007. So 2017, there's an iPhone X to mark the 10-year anniversary. That's why there's no iPhone 9. But there is an iPhone 9 now. It's an SE. SE, yeah. So you need to, I think you can do it, but you have to build a value into making it

American. And part of that is marketing, right? Like the F-150, there's nothing more American than a Ford pickup truck, but it's made in Mexico. Is it really? Yeah, there's F-150 plants in Mexico. They're not all made here in the U.S. Just like BMW's SUVs are made in South Carolina. Yeah, isn't that weird? Honda's, the NSX, made in Ohio. Made in Ohio.

And this is what I'm talking about, about the global part. They figured out, well, it was cheaper to make because America buys the most SUVs. So BMW said, well, let's just make them there. Then we don't have to ship them across an ocean. Right. Makes sense. And then the same thing probably with the NSX. They're like, listen, there's going to be a bunch of wacky Americans who buy this fucking ridiculous super horsepower four-wheel drive Honda.

Right. So you make it there. Now, when you talk about that value, there are some things like Ferraris. It's a Ferrari. So it has a value to it. And the fact that it's Italian adds to the value of it. Yeah. to it and the fact that it's italian adds to the value of it right just yeah they yeah when you talk about adding value like some italian like we're just like well yeah that's even though a lot of times the quality was like you know falling off or whatever but it was just the fact that it's

italian so yes we could do that but i don't know that that anybody will. Yeah, it was designed by artisans. That's the idea. I mean, if you go, a buddy of mine went to a Lamborghini factory. He said, first of all, he goes, they stop working for like two or three hours and they just eat pasta and take naps. Yeah. And he's like, it takes forever to make a car. Yeah, but they do it all by hand. Yeah.

You know, and there really is an art to it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we don't, I mean mean we don't make bad cars anymore the cars we make now are getting a lot better than they used to be like like especially suvs like the new lincoln navigator is amazing i love that and there's a new escalate that they're going to release right that's going to be amazing fucking incredible which they had to do because the new navigator was so good and then they have the new mid-engine Corvette, which is a monster. I mean, that's an incredible platform that they're operating on. People that drive it said it's like leaps and bounds better than any Corvette that's ever existed before.

And then we have great Camaros. There's a lot of shit they make now that's good. The new Mustangs are amazing. There are a lot of great American cars. There are a lot of great American cars. The problem is they let their reputation slack so much that if you talk to a new car, like a first-time car buyer, and ask them what they want, they're not going to name an American car. They want a Mercedes or a Porsche. Right.

Or they want a Toyota or a Honda or something like that. Something super reliable. You know, people would ask me what to buy in cars, and I'd always tell them, get a Honda, because it's just going to run forever. It ain't going to break. Toyota, same thing? Toyota's the same, you know. But, yeah, you get one of those. And I wish I could say, get a Chevy.

And I'm sure there is one, but I don't know what it is. I don't know what to. Dude, I've owned two of those original NSXs. I had one. I got rid of it it i got a second one i got rid of that i never had a problem never not a single problem and they're sports cars mid-engine sports car like a race car no problems last forever yeah and um and they they were all built like that then it's just a level of quality but yeah you're right listen the camaros the the

navigators the mustangs there's so many cars like that that are great American cars. But people, again, you hurt your reputation. For so long. You built so many bad ones for so long that people are like, man, I had a 78 Corvette. It's the worst car I ever owned. It was, man, Joe. And when it would break, it wasn't mild. Like it wasn't, you know,'t you know no it was like oh

yeah your intake manifold cracked like you know intake manifold like a major metal piece at the end they're like yeah that just cracked yeah your radiator the bottom of it just rusted out to nothing just you know like it was oh man that and what ultimately killed the car was the wheel came loose the wheel came off the car while i was driving it did something break off of the suspension yeah yeah the uh what is the controller arms the control arm behind the brake yeah oh god it just yeah so it lost a wheel yeah they made some dog shit cars. Because that was when they were trying to figure out emissions, and they were trying to figure out mileage. And you had a small block V8 engine.

I remember the car only made 180 horsepower. Like, I have motorcycles that make that much horsepower. This was a Corvette. How slow was it? Oh, Joe, it was a horrible thing. It was, oh, jeez. 180 horsepower for a Corvette. How slow was it? Oh, Joe, it was a horrible thing. It was, oh, jeez. 180 horsepower for a Corvette sounds so crazy. Because now the base model is like 460. Yeah, but at that time, you know, in 1978, that's when they had the Mustang II.

Oh. Oh, remember that? Oh, what a hunk of shit that was. And the Camaro was a full-size Camaro that came with like a six-cylinder engine that made like 98 horsepower. And it was huge, like a Chevelle. Yeah, exactly. It was this big steel car with a little, yeah, it was American cars. I love my country. Those cars were garbage.

Look at that. Look at that thing. That was a Mustang. Imagine going from, take that, get a good look at it, right? Get it. Now, I want you to say 69 Mach 1. Now you Google a 69 Mach 1 Mustang. And then you realize how fucking far the mighty—

Wasn't that right there? Right there. Boom, son! I mean, what the fuck? How is that the same thing? That is a monstrous, beautiful, sexy, ferocious vehicle. Because you took the company away from the engineers, and you gave it to the bean counters and the board members who didn't want to drive. Like you saw Ford versus Ferrari.

I haven't seen it. Oh, you haven't seen it? Oh, you got to see it. It's a great movie. Great movie. That movie looks like a bad company song. It was. Right?

Or that car car rather. There's a scene in the movie where the the heads like the CEO or whatever of Ford goes to see Carroll Shelby and Carroll Shelby puts him in one of his cars and says, take him out. And they scare the shit out of him. Like they show the car like it's so fast and powerful that the guy's like, build one. But these are people, like this is what happens when you have a car company run by people who don't know shit about cars, you get a Mustang II. God damn, that's horrendous. Or you get a 180 horsepower Corvette that wheels fall off of. Just imagine though, going from that 69 Mach 1 to that Mustang II in just 10 years, right? 10 years, man. That's crazy.

10 years. The people that were there for the Mach one had to be like, what the fuck? Imagine if that happened to us from 2010 to 2020. You'd be like, what the fuck happened? 2010 was not that long ago. Listen, go to the 80s when, remember they the front-wheel drive cars like the Chevy Citation? I had a front-wheel drive car. All of those cars.

Me and my brother laugh about those cars because they were such crap. The Citation had a vertical radio for some reason. And there was an Oldsmobile. I don't know if you remember this. And there was an Oldsmobile. I don't know if you remember this. The 468 engine that was an eight-cylinder engine that would cut off cylinders, like cut down to six cylinders. Oh, when you're on the highway? When you're cruising?

Yes. I do remember that. And of course, it didn't work. The theory was great that, yeah, you're in V8 when you need it in a four-cylinder. Don't they still have that kind of setup on some catalyst yeah but now they have computers and electronic fuel controls that it actually works back then it was like no this shit don't work is there ever a business that's fallen so hard so fast as the united states automobile business from like the 60s to the 70s

steel steel u.s steel yeah yeah they started, I think Japan took over steel. Oh. Because I knew people in Pittsburgh when steel went, Pittsburgh went almost bankrupt. Pittsburgh had the same fall as Detroit, but they bounced back. Oh. But yeah. Man. That whole thing, man.

They used to build Camaros and Firebirds right here in Van Nuys. Did they really? Yeah, in the 80s when I moved here. The Camaro Firebird plant was in Van Nuys. They built some dog shit cars. Yeah. Those 1980s Firebirds. What in the fuck are you making?

The Thunder Chicken, man. You get that big sticker on the, remember that? Yeah, but there's some that they did good. That's one that you don't see enough resto mods done correctly. Right. It feels like if someone took a Burt Reynolds-style Trans Am and did it correctly and redid it, you just don't see much. Look at that.

Yeah. If someone just did that right. But those were the cars. They had a big engine that made no power. Nothing. Terrible. You know, it was just a big- Slow as fuck. Big engine that didn't make any power.

But God, it looked like it did. Looked like a great car. It looks like it should be fast as fuck. Remember T-Tops? Remember those? Oh, I do remember those. You had to take your T-Tops off and put them in the trunk. It's funny, though.

That was the only car that had a painting on every hood like that. Yeah. Yeah. The Trans Am was the one. that had a painting on every hood like that. Yeah. Yeah. The Trans Am was the one. You had to get the Thunder Chicken. Yeah. There's one in that show that I watch, Ozark. Did you watch it, Jamie?

That guy's got a pretty badass one. See if you can find that. Google Trans Am from Ozark. Stumble across a spoiler, I bet. Oh, you think so? I don't know. I haven't seen it yet. You haven't seen the Trans Am yet?

Uh-uh. Just write Trans Am from Ozark. Wasn't Knight Rider, wasn't that a Trans Am? Or a Firebird? I think that was an 80s. Yes, it was. It was one of them dog shit ones. That was an 80s Firebird.

No, that's not it. It's an older one. Yeah. A junior's car. Exactly. Let me see what that looks like. Yeah, that's pretty fucking nice. Yeah. A junior's car. Exactly. Let me see what that looks like. Yeah. That's pretty fucking nice.

Yeah. He's got a pretty fucking nice one. That's rare, though, that you see a resto mod, like a really done up Trans Am. Yeah. Yeah. The 80s Knight Rider was an 80s Trans Am. Yeah. Talk to him.

Right. God damn, that was a dumb show. Yeah. People were just different back then. It's like, have you ever dumb show yeah people were just different back then it's like if you ever wanted to prove to people evolving rapidly watch 80s tv shows like drama shows the 80s was a special time man there's so many things there's so many things 80s miami vice yes right there's so many things 80s that were just 80s yes you know yeah but miami vice miami vice

man didn't he what do you have, a Lamborghini or something like that? Ferrari Testarossa. Yeah, Testarossa. The white one, remember? Yeah, the white Testarossa with the things on the side. Crockett and Tubbs. What happened to the other dude? I don't know.

Yeah, he had the pastel suits. Yeah, it's with no socks. They had no socks on always. Look at them. Loafers, no socks. Not a bad show back. That was a Ferrari, that car. Yeah.

That was a different Ferrari. I think that was what he had early. He had that one, and then he got the Testarossa. That's weird being the other guy, though, right? Like Don Johnson, entire career. Gotta suck. And then you're the the what were we watching there was some oh uh Transformers was on right and you know in the first scene in the Transformers when they're in the uh desert and it's like um there's like five military guys you know and then the

first three that get killed I was, imagine being one of those guys. And then you watch Tyrese Gibson and the other guy go on to this billion dollar franchise. And like you got killed in the first scene. Like, why didn't I live? By the way, I've been that guy in a few movies. How many movies have you done? I haven't done. I haven't done many.

I've done maybe five. I am very strict in my casting. I can be a security guard or a bouncer. I played a security guard as a bouncer. When you think about those kind of shows like Fast and the Furious,

those movies, how the fuck did that happen? How did those movies make that much money? It's a simple formula. But how many people are buying that simple formula over and over again? How is that happening? Because it's almost like a cartoon, right? Listen, when first Fast and Furious came out, it's like, okay, we got cars. We got women.

We got guns. Do we even need a script? Do we even need a script? Just turn it loose. And that's what every movie, right? Yeah, just make the cars bigger, make the guns bigger, make the guys bigger. Drifting. Right?

The women are hotter. If you watch Fast and Furious Tokyo Drift, apparently every school girl in Japan is wearing a Catholic school miniskirt at all times. Tokyo Drift.

But it works. It's a simple formula. Look at the amount of money it made. Absolutely. Oh, my God. $1,518,722,794. What in the fuck? Worldwide does way better this year.

Oh, my God. Way better. That's one movie. That's the Fast and the fuck? Yes. Worldwide does way better this year. Oh, my God. Way better. That's one movie. That's the Fast and the Furious 7. Right. One movie made that much money. But look at, I mean. Two of their movies made over a billion dollars.

Yeah, why wouldn't they? Though it's a cartoon formula that works. That's amazing. It's a formula that works. Look at the total. It's almost six billion worldwide. Flashy, beautiful. Yeah, stuff like that. You know, yeah. How could it not work? How total it's almost six billion worldwide flashy beauty yeah stuff like that

you know yeah how could it not work how could it not work you know yeah well all right and if i tell you i'm the head writer if i tell you i wrote the fast and furious i how are you going to prove me wrong listen man i love muscle cars and i hate those movies. So what does that say? But that was part of the first movies were muscle versus tuner, right? They even got you. They got you in the beginning. You got the muscle car. No, what I'm saying is they got the muscle car guy. Yeah, they got the muscle cars, but they didn't get me.

I was like, what is this movie? No, not you, but you know what I'm saying. But they got the muscle car fans in the beginning. They don't have that anymore? Vin Diesel drove the muscle car all the time, right? He had that Dodge or Chrysler, whatever it was. It's a Dodge. Yeah, he had that through like the first three movies, right?

How do you know so much about these movies? Oh, I love watching those. Man, Joe, I love bad movies, man. Do you? Biker Boys. Biker, thank you. Biker Boys has to be one of the, I just turned someone on to it. It's Lawrence Fishburne in a motorcycle drag racing movie.

What? Oh, it's fantastic. When was this made? And it's not just him. 83? 2003. Orlando Jones is in, look, that's fantastic. When was this made? And it's not just him. Orlando. 83? 2003. Orlando Jones is in. Look, that's Orlando Jones right there.

Oh, my God. That is Orlando. Look at Lawrence. Are you kidding? Lawrence Fishburne. Kid Rock. Kid Rock is in it. Kid Rock runs the white biker gang.

What is this? Oh, yeah. Oh. What is this? It's a world fueled by power. Oh, my God. I might just found my new favorite movie. Holy shit, this looks bad.

There's Kid Rock with a dog collar. Oh, my God. Kid Rock and a dog collar. It's a life driven by respect. Oh, my God. Wait a minute. That's a black dude with a motorcycle vest on from a gang. He's got a black dude in the Hells Angels?

What? They have the same kind of motorcycle vest as, like, Hells Angels do, which is so silly. Yeah, Lorenz Tate right there. Oh, my God. This looks bad. Ready, set, go. Yeah, man. I love bad car and bike movies.

I love those. And the other bad movies are like the badass chick. Like she kicks everyone's ass, but it's like a bad movie, but she's badass going through it. Whenever they hit me with you may also like, I'm like, you're damn right I may also like. I want to see it. I want to see it. Yes. You may also like. You're damn right I'm going to also like. I want to see it. I want to see it. Yes. You may also like it.

Damn right I'm going to also. Oh, my God. Yeah, Biker Boys and Torque fight. Torque's another one? Torque and Biker Boys were the same movie. They tried to do a Fast and Furious on motorcycles. Oh, my God. Now, Torque stars Ice Cube, and it's like there's a white biker group and a black biker group, and Ice Cube's in it, and Dane is in it.

Dane Cook's in it. And just, yeah, they were horrible. But they were comic. And as a motorcycle rider, they're even better because it's even worse. You know what I mean? Because you can point out what's horseshit about it. Oh, man, it was so much fun. Drag racing.

Look at this. There you go. Wow, that looks fake. This isn't even the trailer. This is a scene from the movie. Yeah. Oh, look, that's him driving. That bike, that was actually made.

Leno has one of those. It's a jet-powered motorcycle. That's a jet-powered motorcycle. It doesn't fly like that, but what the hell? Why not? That's that dude who was moped. It doesn't fly like that, but what the hell? Why not? That's that dude who was in 30 Days of Nights. Maybe. I don't know.

Yeah, he's a bad guy in a lot of movies. He's really good as a bad guy. Come on, man. How do you not watch this? Look at this. Easy. Look at that. Oh, come on.

There's no way I'm watching this. Are they shooting at each other? Yes, of course they're shooting. Okay, I can't do this. Of course they're shooting at each other. In downtown LA. Alonzo. And you get to see the bullet.

I can't. Dude, it's already been three hours. Believe it or not. Oh, man. Listen. How quickly does time fly by? Everybody who's out there, I got to tell you, next Thursday, May 7th, I'm doing a virtual comedy show, okay, at the NowhereComedyClub.com. We were going to talk about this. We're talking. I'm telling the doing a virtual comedy show okay at the nowherecomedyclub.com

we were going to talk about this we talked about it earlier yeah please check it out though nowherecomedyclub.com it's what we were talking about I'm doing comedy from my living room as if there's a crowd and you guys will be the virtual crowd and we'll have a

great time with that Joe I love this man thank you my pleasure brother you tested me i'm negative ah i'm happy about that here isn't it this was fantastic now you're you're gonna watch biker boys because it's in your head now i think i will it's in your head and you're gonna have to see it torque but no you're gonna have to see biker boys and you're gonna have to see law Lawrence Fishburne drag racing a motorcycle on a farm on a dirt road because that's where you drag race, right? A farm on a dirt road? Okay.

I don't want to know anymore. What's your Instagram? Tell everybody. Instagram, Zofunny. Everything else is at Alonzo Bowden. So it's only Instagram that's Zofunny. Only Instagram. And notebooks.

We didn't even get to talk about that. We're both in Owen Smith's notebooks, what we love. So many people love that to see what we did at the beginning of our career. Yeah, you can see how bad we sucked. Oh, man, we were bad. We were bad. But I wasn't Biker Boys bad. I'm going to watch it.

How did I not get in? When you watch that movie, you're going to be, how is Alonzo not in this movie? I love you, brother. Thank you for being here, man. Thank you so much, Joe.