The Joe Rogan Experience - #1471 - Tony Hinchcliffe

Episode Date: May 7, 2020

Tony Hinchcliffe is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actor. Tony also hosts his own podcast called “Kill Tony” with Brian Redban on Spotify under "Deathsquad".

Three, two, one. Tony motherfucking Hinchcliffe. Yeah. Good to see you, buddy. Good to see you. Every time comics come here that I usually spend multiple nights a week with, it's like, ah. So nice to be semi-normal again.

Yes. For fucking sure. The restrictions are supposed to be lifting up here in Los Angeles on Friday, which means nothing for us, for comedians. It means something for some retail, some other stuff, but they're doing it nice and slow. Did you see the list of shit that the governor's office put out of stuff you're allowed to do? You should pull that up, Jamie, because it's quite hilarious. First of all, it's kind of condescending it's like treating you like you're a moron like here's things you're allowed to do

one of them that i thought that was hilarious it said soft martial arts yeah it did said tai chi this is you'll have to do this outside soft martial arts no like why can't you do why can't you shadow box can you do that yeah or it's only okay if you do things that don't work? You're saying martial. Martial art. That's an art of war. Right? And Tai Chi is much more of a meditation than it is an art of war.

I think it's very beneficial. But look what it says. Athletics, number one. What does that mean? Badminton. Singles. Singles. Throwing a ball. Aics, number one. What does that mean? Badminton, singles, singles, throwing a ball, a baseball, softball, stop. Here's the problem with that. Yeah.

If you're throwing a baseball, you're basically shaking hands. Yep. And you're doing it with an organic skin, right? Baseball, the outside of it is cow skin. You could throw a ball by yourself, but. But that's not what they're saying. Right? That's just sad.

You're going to throw it and go pick it up? Throwing fly balls to yourself in the park? BMX biking. Okay, thank you. You're allowed to canoe singles. Oh. Like it specifies. What's singles?

Are they talking about crabbing like crab walk? No, like catching crabs. You can go crabbing like fishing. No, that's what it means. Oh. You can go crabbing. People do it all the time? Oh, yeah, in California. Not here, like fishing. No, that's what it means. Oh. Yeah, you can go crabbing. People do it all the time? Oh, yeah, in California.

Not here, but in Northern California, it's a big deal. Yeah, I've done it before. You catch blue crabs, I think they are. I think they're blue. I don't know what species they are. But you catch them off the piers. There's a lot of areas around San Francisco where people catch crabs. It's really big in like Maryland and, you know,

like those guys love crabbing. Oh, and Alaska too. They do a lot of crabbing. I know something. It was just a California list. That's why I was like, I didn't. They must have them in the oceans right here. Gardening, not in groups.

Oh, you can explore rock pools. Thank you. Oh, wow. Where can we do that at? Malibu, but you can't get to the beach. It's closed. Cycling, golf, singles, walking, no cart, Tony. Oh, my gosh.

You can't have a cart. Why can't I have a cart? What if it's my cart? I can't take the cart? It's electric. It doesn't even hurt the environment. Like, what is a, why can't I take the cart? Yeah, or why can't they clean it? Wipe it down. Is there a logic to that? Let's electric. It doesn't even hurt the environment. Like, what is a... Why can't I take the cart? Yeah, or why can't they clean it?

Wipe it down. Is there a logic to that? Let's stop. I mean, if it's your cart, is there a logic to that? And how is it any different than the cart at the supermarket? Like, that motherfucker's getting passed around like a cheap hoe. I think it's because they have to have people clean it and whatnot, and they don't want to have to have staff on whatever, because they've opened up...

Right, but they have it at the supermarket. No, I know, but, well... You know what I'm saying? I know your point know what i'm saying it's like it's real squirrely it's like the places we absolutely have to go they're allowed to stay open yeah and even the shopping cart i was shopping the other day and i opened up the the kitty part you know to put other stuff in and i'm like they didn't there's no way they wiped that part well there's just no way if it was on here i got it after a while i'm sure the people that work in those places the kids especially like 18 year olds they're gonna slack off oh yeah like no one's dead they don't see it you know they're not going to the hospital hold on don't don't scroll

down yet there's a lot more we missed uh go back up so yeah so we were at no-cart golf, hiking, trails, paths allowing distancing. How is it okay when you're running? Because if you're running past people that are walking, this is going to come in time when you're right there. Is that all right? I don't know. This is all very bizarre. Well, it really is like we're dealing with multiple different diseases, too.

Are the trails open? I thought they were still closed. Are they opening those up? I think they opened them up again. We'll find that out next. Oh, you can kiteboard. Okay. Oh, meditation's allowed.

Oh, we're allowed to meditate. Hey, you can meditate. What the fuck, man? Outdoor photography. Oh, I didn't know. I thought that if I was hiking, I couldn't take pictures of what I was hiking with. Thank you. Thank you for allowing me to do outdoor photography.

Picnics with your stay-at-home household members only. Can't meet up with other people that aren't sick. What? Quad biking, rock climbing, roller skating, rollerblading. It's weird. It's because we're asking people to be extra super responsible with this. But we don't ask the same thing about car accidents. Stop.

Go back. Soft martial arts. Look at that. Tai Chi. Qi Gong. What's Qi Gong? Well, I know what Qi Gong is. It's like a type of breathing exercise.

I'm pretty sure. And you know what Tai Chi is. It's almost like a series of rhythmic movements. But why are you calling that a soft martial art? It's such a weird definition. And not in groups. It's just like so specific. Like if a person wants to go outside and they have a shadow boxing routine they do and they like to practice Muay Thai, why can't they go practice Muay Thai? They can't just go outside. Imagine you're pent up in your

apartment and you can go on the beach and just spark up a little and just throw some combinations under the sun and the sand. You can't do that? Is that threatening to people? But you're allowed to do all this jazz? That's not even a martial art. Let's just be honest. It's great. People that do it, they find it very therapeutic, and it's good for the body. You're doing these slow poses, so it gives you – you're exercising control over your body. But it's not really a martial art. It's weird. It's like you wouldn't fight with it.

So what is it? You know what I'm saying? You're not going to fight with Tai Chi chi i've never heard the terminology before is there such thing as soft and hard martial arts yeah i guess you could yeah you could kind of define it like that people would some people would say that tai chi is a soft martial art they would i guess they would kind of say but it just doesn't make sense to me it's not a martial art it's a martial art is something that you would use in a fight if you were trying to have a thing with there's rules to martial arts so so you could say like well how come boxing is just boxing how come they're not allowed to kick you or take you down like is that a full martial art like what what is the martial art martial arts like

doing the best shit to do when you're in war with a person, hand-to-hand combat. But for so long, we didn't know what the best shit was. So they branched off into all these different groups. So there's people that only concentrated on judo. And they were convinced it is the best thing you could do. I remember I was really foolish when I was doing Taekwondo. And I worked out with my friend Walter. He used to teach at this university.

And he was a bad motherfucker. And I used to go down and train with him. And there was this guy. There was this judo guy who was there. And they were practicing judo. And this guy was a gorilla. He probably could have broke me in half and stuffed me up his ass. I mean, really, he was a big guy.

But I thought, God, that's so useless. This is what I thought. Right. I was like why would you want to do that when you could learn how to punch and kick why would you want to learn how to do that did you do any wrestling yes one year in high school yeah but man until I started doing jujitsu like I didn't realize how vulnerable I really was yeah like I was I was I hadn't done real martial arts in a long time because I had a knee surgery, and it took me a long time to recover, like more than a year.

I had to fuck my knee up, and I didn't get it fixed for like six months. And then I got it fixed. It took like a year to rehab. So for like a year and a half plus, I wasn't doing any martial arts. And then I started doing a little bit of kickboxing when I came to L.A. I went to this legendary place in Van Nuys. It's one of the things that I wanted to go to. Other than going to the comedy store, I wanted to go to Benny the Jet's Jet Center.

Wow. The Jet Center in Van Nuys. Benny Urquidez is like a legendary kickboxer from L.A. And him and his, I believe Blinky Rodriguez is his brother-in-law, but he was another beast. He's the guy who knocked out one of the greatest kickboxers of all time, Jean-Y Thériault he knocked him out with a left hook I mean so this was a gym a legendary gym and I came here and right when I came here I started going there and they had uh earthquake damage so when it rained their their place got fucked up like really fucked up and they had to close down and then he moved to a place in North Hollywood for a while but um

it just uh it wasn't it wasn't the same once that legendary gym was gone but that was those were one of like the number one places that I wanted to come to when I came to LA yeah has anyone uh anyone ever claimed Tai Chi or Chi Kung as any of their UFC skill set yeah they make stuff up for fun look look the greatest fighter of all time, John Jones. What's his style? It says, look, see, do. That's his style. Literally, go look up what John Jones fights under his style.

He writes, look, see, do. You want to talk about a dude thinking for himself? Yeah. This guy's like, look, listen. Fuck, I know what I knew. I know what I know. I know what I can do. I'm just going to call it, look, listen, I know what I know. I know what I can do. I'm just going to call it look, see, do.

I look at people do something. I see it, and I do it. One of the first fights ever in the UFC, the guy tries to throw this wild spinning elbow. Just out of nowhere. Fights Shogun for the title. Opens up with a flying knee. Just wild. Opens up on a legend. Shogun for the title, opens up with a flying knee. Just wild. Unbelievable.

Opens up on a legend. Shogun was a legend. UFC light heavyweight champion, the guy who's knocked out Chuck Liddell, was fucking killing people in pride. I mean, when we were coming up, Mauricio Shogun Hua was a legend. Jon Jones fights him, wins the title, the youngest guy ever to win a title in the UFC with a flying knee. That's what he opens up with. He's unbelievable.

Just wild, man. Just wild. But anyway, my point was, I didn't realize how vulnerable I was until I first started doing jujitsu. Or wrestling. It would have been the same with wrestling. Anybody who's a real grappler, you can get really delusional about how much you can keep a person off you yeah?

Without anyone's a real Grappler a real division one wrestler What's frightening is how? Then then once you realize how hard it is, but then there's then you see the people who make it look so damn easy Yeah, there were these wrestlers I think they were called the Hurley twins or something from another school and these guys were really really high level and we were in high school but they were high level freestyle wrestlers like they would go to the nationals every year and they would like it appeared as though they would dangle guys by an angle and just keep getting points and he would

they would release and just they would make it look like it was nothing the other guys wrestling for his life and they would just seamlessly grab their ankle and push them back and the person doesn't underappreciate Skill level for like the real elite of the elite, you know, it really is under pretty like if you watch Jordan Burroughs wrestle Yeah, you know who's currently right now today widely considered to be the best wrestler in the world or one of them I mean, there's a bunch of like really insanely good wrestlers out there i have a bunch of pairs of his shoes he's the lead of the elite when you watch him how good he is and how well he moves through these takedowns and transitions and chains takedown attacks together and the the power and the drive and the just the fucking explosiveness all of it together the insane desire to compete and win you know you don't even know what that's like that guy manhandled

ben askren who manhandles most people yep and they all know what he's gonna do they all know what to defend that he's going to shoot low on a double leg takedown and there's nothing they can do so good i mean askren was uh quite a bit past his uh his. I don't think you can be elite at both. I think most of these elite wrestlers who are really, really good wrestlers, once they get into the UFC and they realize how much striking they have to do, how much submission they have to do, I think most of them would admit that they're probably not getting the same kind of focus on pure wrestling that allows them to stay at their highest level.

So they might dip a little bit in their wrestling ability to pick up some skill in striking. It's a fine dance they do, man. Oh, yeah. You know, such a fine dance. And to put it all together, that's why Look-See-Do is such a great name for a style. Yeah. Because he's not doing one thing. I mean, yes, very good wrestler.

Yes, very good striker. Yes, very good submission artist Yes. Very good striker. Yes. Very good submission artist. Excellent at all those things, but he just throws them all together with whatever's there. What's open? What's open? How about I'll never try to take you to the ground.

I just kick the fuck out of your legs. I'll just get close to you, beat you up in knees and elbows. It's, it's such a, so when you say, like when someone says martial art, like it's not a martial art. It's a style of fighting. It's like a, so when you say, like when someone says martial art, like it's not a martial art.

It's a style of fighting. It's like a game you're playing. You know, if you're playing boxing, you're playing boxing. It is definitely a fight, but it is a martial art. But it's not a complete one. Like now that we know, like all those little schools like the judo people and the taekwondo people that were all like real biased about their

own style like I definitely was now you know this is one style it's mixed martial arts it's that look see do thing that John Jones does he does everything he's kicking you he's punching you he's trying to take you down he's smashing you on the ground he strangles you if he can

however I can beat you that's what they's trying to take you down. He's smashing you on the ground. He strangles you if he can. Like, however I can beat you. That's what they're trying to do, which is real martial arts. That's a real martial art. Like, as close as you can get without eye gouging and going for the nuts, because we all agree that's just too much. Yeah. Even, like, if they're teaching you self-defense, that's the only time they step up with the eye gouging and the nut shots. But those are, like, the most effective moves. Eye gouging and nut shots are the most effective moves.

We just collectively decide that they're too destructive. Yeah. It's weird seeing actual street fight videos. I saw one where the guy, actual fight video where the guy does grab the other guy's nuts. It's like they're like in the army or something too. Oh, Jesus. He's begging, please. It's actually really funny. Oh, army or something too. Oh Jesus. He's begging, please. It's actually really funny.

Oh my God. Please, please God. No, please. Oh my God. Someone can crush your nuts and take away your manhood. Yeah. Oh my God. I've heard of dudes getting their nuts exploded.

Nuts exploded from a kick. One guy who was sparring, just like I think they said it was like his last round of sparring he said i fucking don't need a cup just go light boom takes your shot to nuts and one of his balls explodes oh no no they had to remove it ah yeah dude you you imagine the force of someone hitting you with a kick like imagine the force of someone who's like tyron woodley who's an excellent leg kicker he's got vicious power in his leg kicks the force of someone who's like Tyron Woodley, who's an excellent leg kicker. He's got vicious power in his leg kicks. The force of that hitting your nuts.

Your nuts are not designed. You need a cup, man. Nuts are not designed to survive that with no help. That's crazy. That's why they gave us two. Just in case. Just in case. Because there's no kick that could blast through two at once.

There's a lot of kicks that'll blast through two nuts. Wow. Yeah, 100%. Pedro H of kicks that'll blast through two nuts. Wow. Yeah, 100%. Pedro Hizzo, if he kicked your nuts, you would have no nuts. They would be all smashed up like gravy. It got kicked so hard. I was looking at hard and soft martial arts. Judo.

The ju of judo and jujitsu is soft so it's uh like not uh that's silly blocking with a block like blocking an attack with a oh i see i see like a redirection intercepting it yeah well then you can't i don't know maybe i'm looking at the word soft incorrectly soft martial arts just has a picture of cm punk next to it. Oh, you son of a bitch! You would never call judo a soft martial art, though. I mean, maybe it's technically that, but I mean, amongst the circles that I travel in, when you're talking to,

and I'm not a judo expert, obviously, but I know a lot of people that are. I've talked to a lot of judo experts. I bet they wouldn't think it's soft martial art. Yeah, I wouldn't agree with that. Judo guys are brutal. They're brutal. They're some of the most – look, if you watch like world-class judo, like there's some great footage of Hector Lombard.

Hector Lombard, when he was doing judo, was a motherfucker. I mean, just smashing people. He's so fucking strong. When you watch like really good judo with really good technique, there's nothing soft about that, man. That is wild shit, man. It's basically the art of throwing people. It's the art of throwing people on your fucking

head and grabbing you by your clothes. And you're both grabbing each other by your clothes. And when you get to a super elite level, when you watch those Olympians go at it, man, it's wild.'s so hard it's a fucking hard i mean it's super brilliant and technical and it's very strategic and there's all these transitions and it's very technical in terms of like being able to execute a high

level throw on someone who's also an expert in high level throws it's amazing but it's also very hard like they're strong as shit it's not you know like I've only rolled with a few like really good judo guys ever and it's like rolling

with a chimpanzee they're too strong yeah like wrestlers judo guys you guys are too fucking strong sound plan on this oh we were still

going over this list that's how good this marijuana is i forgot what we're talking about oh you can go tree climbing go try to climb a tree you fuck i did i did the other day i climbed a tree hey i got excited good news you can wash your car the government thinks it's okay for you to wash your car wow Oh, you can walk the dog. Yay. I didn't know I could walk the dog. I've just been letting up shit in my mouth for two months. You can watch the sunrise or the sunset.

Wow. Both of them? Yeah. We're so lucky. You can do yoga. My goodness. How about just let us be responsible? Silly list.

Just, you know, that list is silly. Just, first of all, that's a first draft. Edit. Take out sunrise and sunset. That's a big duh. You know? Take out all the does. You like writing lists.

Anybody who writes a list like that? Yeah. Sweden's looking at that list and laughing all the way to the bank, literally. Answer me this. How come you can play badminton? Like when you're playing badminton, sometimes you're like right up on each other. Aren't you? It's not that far away.

You can get close, I think. No, you don't, right? You'd be in the distance. Do you spike it? It did say volleyball was on the list, and they're spiking a volleyball. Oh, well, volleyball, it has to be singles. It has to be one. I think they said singles. I don't know how you can play a singles volleyball.

Here's the thing. You're still touching this ball. So it's like touching someone's hands. It's the same thing. If you have this and it's on the ball, it's going to get on the ball. When the person catches the ball, it's going to get on their hands, they're going to touch their eyes, and they're going to throw the ball again. And you're going to do this for hours, you're going to get each

other's cooties. You might as well just make out. For sure. Plus their sweat. Yeah, their sweat. You're breathing hard. You definitely get close to each other when you get real close. If you're like, I've seen dudes kiss. They jumped up and as they were... That's one of the main moves in volleyball.

They give each other a kiss and they try to swat that ball down. I mean, they might as well be kissing. That's how you start the game in West Hollywood. That would be a great way to fuck with your opponent. Yeah. As he's reaching up to get that ball, you give him a smoocher right on the lips. In a movie, you guys peek up together. Imagine if that's all it took to turn you gay.

If there was a movie. You guys peek up together and imagine if that's all it took to turn you gay. If there was a move. Wasn't there like a scene in Top Gun where they were playing volleyball? But imagine if a guy could make you gay. How weird is it that you can get knocked out? Getting knocked out is crazy. The idea that you just get smacked on the

face and you go unconscious and everything just shuts off. That would be hilarious. Imagine if there was like a button that you had. Like if someone touched a button, like right on your taint. It's like a reset button on an electrical outlet. And the circuit blows. You get to push it back in.

Pop. Oh my God. That volleyball scene. Isn't there a thing where Quentin Tarantino breaks down how gay this movie is? That's what I thought of it, I think. Speaking of Tom Cruise. Like a video of it, right? He's going to make a movie in space.

Of course he's going to make a movie in space. He's Tom fucking Cruise. Yeah. If I was into gay men, this would be awesome. Right? If you're a gay guy and you're like, damn, look at these guys. This is a movie for you.

If you look at it that way... Whoever wore jeans on the beach to play volleyball too. Well, also, they slide into the sand and then miraculously, right after they slide into the sand, they are clean and shiny with glistening sweat and no sand on them. He just did the sand. He just dove.

Watch. They hit the sand all the time, but there's no sand on them. Instead, they're perfectly glistening. It's magic sand. This is a weird... I don't think I've ever really watched top gun the whole way through hold on back that up why is tom cruise walk like that back that up back that up watch this walk here we go that's very odd that's an odd walk maybe hurt himself out there

volleyball injury bro he does all his own stunts too. Like motorcycle stunts. He's probably hurt all the time. He jumped out of a, I watched the video. They have video of him being videoed while jumping out of that plane in Mission Impossible. Yeah. What is that? What is that? Nuts. The video of him hanging on the plane.

What is he doing there? Is he attached by a latch or something? Have you seen that shit? Uh-uh. There's a video of him. And supposedly it's actual video of him and supposedly it's actual video of him hanging from the side of the plane this he's he doesn't get enough credit for this he's a goddamn maniac this look he's giving them the thumbs up and so this fucking plane takes off

dude and he's actually hanging off the edge of this. Look at this. Watch. He lets his legs go and everything. This is nuts, man. Look at this. It's the raw footage from the camera. This is insane. So he's really letting this plane take him in the air, and he's hanging on from the power of L. Ron Hubbard. Look at this. No, there it is.

You can see it. What are you seeing? There's a thing right there. You see that rope? The rope. That's all that's hanging on. Oh, yeah. The, there it is. You can see it. What are you seeing? There's a thing right there. You see that rope? The rope. That's all that's hanging on. Oh, yeah. The rope is connecting him. Yeah.

But still, that's him. That's nuts. That's crazy. I'm not saying this is the only thing keeping him up there. I'm saying, what the fuck, man? That's crazy. What the fuck, man? He's strapped to the side of a plane, and he's Tom Cruise.

He's like a huge movie star what kind of insurance policy was involved in this scene when he broke his ankle they stopped for like 6 weeks I think bro if I was the director I'd say look we're gonna shoot this scene last I would write in fake endings to the movie where Tom Cruise's character dies,

and then his sister comes in. I would have Scarlett Johansson on standby, ready to come avenge Tom Cruise, because we see him fly off the back of that plane. And that would be a real controversy thing. Should we actually show him falling off the plane to his death? And they'd be like, look, Tom would want us to. And so they leave it in there. And we all get to watch a Tom Cruise snuff film.

I'd love that. We would love that. People love that. The thing is, people would. I would watch it. I don't want it to happen. But if I knew there was a video of Tom Cruise dying because he fell off the side of a plane, how do you not watch that?

Right? Yeah. How do you not watch that? I mean, look at when Heath Ledger died basically from playing the Joker that whole time he's on the pills and everything he can't sleep we all everybody went and watched that that's that why he died you think like he got addicted to pills because of the Joker well no he just wasn't sleeping he wasn't taking care of himself through the entire filming of that movie oh they didn't even finish it right i don't think so i think he died right at the end of filming oh not positive on that

yeah i think you're right i feel like he died during the process right yeah that was a bummer man that guy can act his ass off you gotta assume though i always do when someone's that good at something they're probably just just really chaotic Yeah, you know mentally chaotic and some of those people just need to calm that fucking demon down Yeah, he was filming a different movie. They had just finished that Okay, so he did so he was done and he was on the next thing like John Belushi, right Here's another one. You see that guy. He was so ferocious in some of his characters. He was so wild.

There must have been demons. Just demons. I'll name another one right now. Philip Seymour Hoffman. Oh, he's brilliant. Oh, my God. I just watched one I hadn't seen with him. Nuts, man.

Done by the- That was so good. He did one with the guy that made There Will Be Blood, that director. I can't remember the name of it. He's in those Hunger Games, right? Yeah, but I'm not... He's good in those. Yeah.

I know those movies are silly. Philip Seymour Hoffman's a freak. He was really good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, he's got an impressive list. If you look at the movies that he's done, you go over it and you go, oh, wow, I forgot about that one. I forgot about that one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, he's got an impressive list. If you look at the movies that he's done, you go over it, and you go, oh, wow, I forgot about that one.

I forgot about that one. Yeah. And he makes, even the ones that look like they'd be lame, I went down, this is when the quarantine started. This is one of the big rabbit holes I went down was a Philip Seymour Hoffman one. And even the movies that look like they wouldn't be great are great. There's a few actors that really, I think,

read the scripts that they're offered and have a real take on them. And they make everything good. That Ben Mendelsohn guy, I don't know if you've ever saw Bloodline, but he's another one of those. Is he that guy that was in 30 Days of Nights? There's a guy who's in 30 Days of Nights,

which is a really fun vampire movie while you're quarantined. Good fuck. Have you seen it? No. No, he's the guy from's in 30 Days of Nights, which is a really fun vampire movie while you're quarantined. Good fuck. Have you seen it? No. No, he's the guy from The Outsider. Oh, okay. The cop from The Outsider.

Show me. Oh, that guy's amazing. You can look up anything he's done. It's unbelievable. Yeah, he was in Ready Player One. He was the bad guy, remember? He was great in that. He's an unbelievable bad guy. He's so good

as the cop in The Outsider. The Outsider is really fun. I really enjoyed that. I hope they make a part two of that. That was creepy as fuck. And that woman who played the savant, she played the sort of autistic savant, that lady was amazing. She was so good.

Like that whole cast, the guy who was her boyfriend in that, who was also from House of Cards, that guy's amazing. So that was a great little fun supernatural series. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Incredible. That lady who played the autistic one, like I wonder what she's like in real life because she's so good. Completely different. I actually found this out because I was-

What is her name? I forget. Let's find out. She played Rosa Parks in a song at the Oscars too. She's amazing. She played it perfect. That's a weird read to play a super genius who's on the spectrum you know that's a weird read but she like but also relatable and really likable she's just figured out the perfect

perfect frequency you know some people can play a psycho and you're like god damn that seems psycho like the old lady on ozark the old lady who grows the heroin. Oh, my God. Holy shit, is she good. Holy shit, is that lady good. Who is that lady? Unbelievable. She's amazing.

She scares the fuck out of me. She scares the fuck out of me. Cynthia Erivo, I believe is how you say it. So Cynthia Erivo is the woman who plays the autistic lady on The Outsider. Who is the lady now that plays the heroin lady in Ozark? That lady is scary, man. She's fucking terrified. She's for sure the most terrifying person in a show filled with terrifying people.

She scares me more than the Navarro guy does. Yeah. Oh, she's completely crazy. She's so scary, dude. She killed her own husband. I know, but she's so believable. That lady who's the actress is fucking brilliant. What is her name?

Just go to cast. That scene when she started banging the kid reminded me of, remember the scene in Kingpin where he has to have sex with a neighbor? She plays Darlene. That's her name, right? Isn't it Darlene? Right. There you go.

Yes, that's the lady. Lisa Emery. Oh, okay. Dude, she's incredible. She's so scary. She's so scary. She's so scary on that show. And the other woman, the lawyer woman, she scares the fuck out of me too. Helen.

God damn it. Who's that lady? That lady's amazing as well. Janet McTeer. She's terrifying. They steal the show. That's one of the interesting things about Ozark is you want to talk about a show that's like an equal opportunity show. It's a terrifying show, and the two scariest characters are women.

Yeah. Mind-boggling. It's a great show. It's so good. One of my favorites. Dude, it's so good. And it's funny because it's a great show it's one of my favorites and it's funny because you know it's written and directed by jason bateman and when i first visited california the first time i was

i just graduated high school and i was out here visiting my brother and we got lost we were in this suv and we got lost going around the hollywood hills and at one point my brother stops to ask for directions somehow we got lost like it's like looking back on it, it's like you just go down the hill, right? But we didn't know what side we were on. Anyway, he stops to ask this guy that's walking on the side of the street who's clearly on the cell phone

which way to get back down. He's like, excuse me, sir. Excuse me. And this guy turns around and it was Jason Bateman. And Jason Bateman's on his phone and he looks back at my brother and he goes like, he's looking at my brother like, can't you see? Like he didn't say a word, but he looks at his phone like, can't you see I'm on the phone? Like, what are you, an idiot?

But he didn't say anything. He just looked at his phone and looked at us like that and kept walking, went back on his phone call. So after that, I'm like, you know what? Screw that Jason Bateman guy. I didn't really find none of that one sitcom he was on never really connected with me or whatever. And so I always thought I was anti-Jason Bateman. And then here we are so much later, almost 20 years later, and I realized that day that we were the assholes stopping. Of course we saw that he was on the phone.

In retrospect, if anybody did that to me or anyone I know, we would do the same. Can't you see him on the phone? It looks like Sebastian. Exactly. Oh, you got to pull up this video from Sebastian's Instagram. He's walking, and these people are walking up the hill behind him with water bottles on their heads It is the most Sebastian thing you'll ever see in your life. It's brilliant This is like if someone's want to say like hey, that's Sebastian. He's really funny, right? What's his comedy like?

Watch this video. Give me some volume. Give me some volume. Bottles on your head. Look at this. You bother me. Look at this. Oh, are you walking with bottles on your head? You bother me.

See, that is so stupid. He's laughing while he's saying it. It's 100% his personality. You bother me. Oh, God. He kills me harder than almost anybody in the world. He's very funny in a very unique way. He's very funny in his own way.

He's like Theo in a lot of ways. If someone said, how do you describe Theo's comedy Theo's comedy Mike is he's Theo Vaughn. He's just got he knows how to be Theo Vaughn, and it's amazing and Sebastian It's good real similar in that way. It's knows how to be Sebastian he's got that he just is himself and it just it works You can't you couldn't write it down on paper that's a weird one of the weirder things about comedy yeah like some of those people that are like that harlan williams tell me what that is explain that to me yeah you can't explain it you just gotta see it and then you'll be laughing hey there butter nuts flapjacks peachy pie you're like what the fuck like i get

nervous around sebastian he's one of the only people. I'm more comfortable around Chappelle than I am around Sebastian. Like, it's literally, there's just something about his entire aura. Like, I'm always afraid I'm going to say something or do something stupid or trip. What? Yeah. You worried about that comedic observation. What? Yeah.

What the f- He's so fucking funny to me. I think I was- Such a nice guy, too. Like, just such a sweetheart of a guy. Always i think i was such a nice guy too like just such a sweetheart of a guy always has been always been a nice guy always hustled that italian like those italian stories and delivery take me hit me it's like a it's like i almost feel like i'm related to him and he's just this funny guy did i tell tell you what happened with his cousin? Uh-uh. Dude.

So somebody tells me, hey, I heard Sebastian's house got robbed. And I'm like, what? So I text him. And he said, no, it's actually my cousin. He has the exact same name as me. And two guys broke into his house. And he fought one of them on a security camera and then went inside and shot the other one. Killed the guy.

Whoa. Yeah, I mean, the guy pulled a gun on him in his fucking house. And so he, the guy who he beat up gets charged for murder. Wow. Because when you commit a crime and it causes someone to die you get charged For for the for the actual death in that crazy Cousin of comic Sebastian Manasoco and there's video of these guys breaking into his door It's really crazy like you can see the video of he comes storming out

With the guy and he's fighting with this home invader guy. And meanwhile, there's another guy inside his house with his family. So here he is. He's fighting with this guy. He's got no shoes on, right? So that looks like he has no shoes on, right? Right. He's just beating the fuck out of this guy,

and apparently he practices martial arts. He's a big look-see-do practitioner. Yeah. It's not the Tai Chi. So then he goes inside that he beats the fuck out of that guy that guy runs off he goes inside and then he kills a guy i believe he took the guy's gun from him and shot him i think that's what happened i'm not sure though so i believe somebody told me that well how did the guy die see if you could find it did they

think that it was Sebastian Maniscalco well somebody did that's why they contacted me and said hey Sebastian's house got broken into I was like what so I called him I texted him the whole thing's really crazy though okay um he followed the wife and the two children up to the second floor bedroom with his gun drawn, prosecutors said. The bad guy, Brodaks, broke through the bedroom door, pushed the children onto the bed, and pointed the gun at Manasako's wife as she begged him not to shoot, prosecutors said. After Manasako chased off the first guy, Finan, he retrieved his own gun and fatally shot Brodkac in the abdomen. Wow.

Jesus Christ. So the guy had a gun pointed at his family. And he used his own gun. Oh, yeah. It's in Illinois, so that's where he's originally from. They must have thought it was actually Sebastian Maniscalco, the comedian. So the other guy's been captured and faces murder charges

under an Illinois statute that allows for such crimes to be leveled against suspects if they take part in a felony offense that leads to another person's death. Man. Crazy. Fuck, man. You know, and that's why people have guns. You know, and nobody wants to hear that story.

You don't want to hear that story, because that story is a pro-gun story. It's anti-gun because someone tried to rob the guy's house with a gun, but it's pro-gun in if he didn't have a gun, what would have happened? You saw that. Yeah, it's anti-gun because someone used a gun in a robbery. But it's pro, if he didn't have a gun, maybe his family would be dead. You have to be able to see both sides because the gun control argument is such a weird one people like they dig heels in left people dig on this side they have like a set of beliefs that you're allowed to have and then the people on the right dig on another side you know the second amendment is

right it's not a privilege you know we own we own this. And the media definitely doesn't cover it when it goes right with guns. They did here because it's Sebastian's cousin. Right. But it's not like if it went the other way, you know, if some people got shot to death inside their home, it would be an anti-gun argument.

You know what I'm saying? Which is interesting. Because if you have a gun like he did, the people broke into his house and he was able to protect his family. That's the best case scenario for gun ownership. Well, the best case scenario is never having to use it. And the next best is being able to use it to protect your family because that's what it's there for. So it's actually a pro-gun story. It's an anti-gun.

It would be an anti-gun story if he didn't have a gun that's what's crazy if he didn't have a gun and the guy shot his family it would be an anti-gun story but because he had a gun it's a pro-gun story isn't that interesting yeah you saw the one with the church where the guy went in for like a mass shooting and the guy standing against the back wall of the church had a gun too and just got him right away Yeah, yeah an arm trained man with a gun I know a guy in Vegas. He got carjacked recently and He's a proof. I mean he's he's like a competitive shooter

I mean he he has videos of him practicing shooting with pistols of marksman Incredible fast draw and he killed this guy in a gunfight. That's a pro-gun story. A guy pulled a gun on him, and he could have lost his life. Instead, he survived because he had a gun. It's one of those things. Guns are one of those things like being a person.

Being a person is weird. It's not clear. We're not numbers. Right? It fluctuates. What we are, the way we live fluctuates. Right now, things are weird. Almost all of our decisions that we have to make about everything.

I'm like, well, if we just open up the country, we're going to lose a lot of people. You know, we should maybe hold it back. And then the other argument, if we don't open up the country We're gonna lose a lot of people so what are we gonna? Do we're gonna let the people die because of despair and homelessness and and suicide drug addiction because they've lost everything There's gonna be those two like it's like everything else man like all all things involving people Well there's this and that it's There's a lot of stuff like this that people want to have like a definitive answer.

Like, you know, are we waiting too long to open up? Is Florida jumping in too quick? Who's right? Who's wrong? We don't fucking know. These are educated guesses. But it's just one of those things

like being a person. When things get started up again and no one knows what the future is going to be, there's just one of those things like being a person when things get started up again and no one knows what the future is going to be there's just a lot of predicting and we're not right all the time you know you know it's just especially scary because the news is so picky and choosy and weird about how they're covering things they it seems like it's almost all bad news now on the cable news programs yeah and well that's where they get the most money it's like they're being rewarded for it but i mean i understand from their perspective is that they only have an hour and there's a lot of fucking bad news you know when you're getting

all the bad news from seven billion people plus around the world it's got a lot of it's gonna suck you only have an hour things are happening 24 hours a day. The news itself, as a show, is really preposterous. We're going to condense it all into an hour. But isn't it the real stuff that's happening? How can it be condensed at all? Do you have to do that anymore?

When this guy has this show, and that guy has that show, and the show goes for an hour, and they're going to cover these details and show you what went wrong. There's so many things that went wrong. Yeah. If you just want to concentrate on things that went wrong, you could do it 24 hours a day and never run out of material. But you got to almost kind of, is that the world?

Is it things that went wrong? Is that the world? Or is the world like a lot of shit that went right? Like when we're hearing the news, all they really want to discuss is the things that are going to freak you the fuck out. There's not a whole lot dedicated to making you feel good about our prospects. There's not a whole lot.

It does control a lot of how the people who watch it think about things, because they're really influential. They're wearing makeup. There's a spotlight on them. And it says news and it has a ticker. And we're meant to believe that we can trust them. Good Lord.

It's hard to trust anybody. It's hard to trust anybody when things are weird. You know, you don't know who's telling the truth. Like, oh my God, there's so many different things that are going on all at once right now, right? They're trying to figure out if the disease came from a lab. You know, did they accidentally release this thing? China's mad at us and we're mad at China. All these countries are going to sue China.

Like, there's so many things that are bouncing around in sort of the global consciousness that you have to pay attention to. I heard Kim Jong-un was sick. Oh, my God, he might die. They flew in Chinese doctors. His sister might take over. Ooh. And then we got to pay attention to the sister. She looks mean, man.

Yeah. The sister looks mean. If you absorb what's in the media, that kind of stuff will literally change the way you view the world, and that will change the way you act in the world, and that will literally make things suck. It will make things suck more if you go out and only concentrate on things that are terrible. Another show that's up there with Ozarks for me now is Succession, And that is about a very rich family that owns their own cable news channel. Oh, God. And very, very interesting to see from that perspective. Not to say that it's completely accurate, but I mean, they have control if they want something promoted or left out. It's just that easy.

Like you said, they're smashing it all into an hour, even though it keeps running. But like an hour program, it's so easy just to decide what you leave out does so much for something or a story or a product or a stock or anything that you invest in or own yourself or anything like that yeah and uh yeah succession's a really great one for sort of it's almost like a house of cards esque view how they view how they let you into the presidency they let you into a cable news network like they had that one with jeff dan, the newsroom or whatever, but that was sort of janky. Oh yeah, that was the one where he would go on these rants. They're pretty good, but a guy rants that well

all the time. I'm like, hey bro, you planning this? Like, what kind of human being do you want to hear go on these perfectly worded rants all the time? You know? Wasn't that weird?

Like, that was his thing. Like, that was his soft kung fu. His soft martial art was these rants. He would bust them out like Tai Chi in the park. And you'd be like, come on, no one talks like this. You have conversations with people. You don't just go on these crazy rants. Right?

Yeah. Isn't that interesting that they'll try that with a character? One of the guys really good at rants, like, you should just do this all the time. Like every movie with Al Pacino has to have some kind of rant. Right? Always. That's part of who he is. Yeah.

He's the guy that has a monologue where everybody's standing around going, and then he'll start yelling at you because he's the devil or whatever. Yeah, I was going to say, the devil's advocate's the best one of that because he literally just gets crazier and crazier until he's sated. I wish we could play it. I wish we could play it. Yeah.

He was a fucking wizard, man. Who was better in his prime than Al Pacino? Think about Scarface. God damn. Yeah. Have you seen The Irishman?man no i haven't seen it they got rough reviews but i loved it man i was shocked because i had super low expectations i actually put it on thinking i was gonna like fall asleep or something it was one of those

where i'm like i'm just gonna throw this on i heard it wasn't that great oh and i was up the whole time i was amped dude if you love martin scorsese you're going to love this movie it's like scorsese doing his you know it's just great plus sebastian's in it al pacino destroys is that jerry seinfeld's brother look at this cast ray romano ray romano ray kills it look he looks so weird with that outfit on i didn't even recognize him that's a weird picture and he's in the dark i didn't watch it i'll watch it i did hear some up reviews oh you know what i'm glad i heard bad reviews before watching this because it really lowered my expectations and i spent the whole time going this is some this is so great

because i thought it was why'd they say it was bad what were they saying was bad about it i just heard bad isn't that funny how easy you are to uh convince like i i really didn't look into it i didn't ask my friends right i was like oh someone said it's bad yeah i liked it it was good oh yeah i love it sebastian sebastian kills it in this movie. He plays the crazy Joe Gallo. Oh, does he really? That's almost the opposite of the character you guys were saying. He's such a nice guy. Exactly.

Oh, wow. He's not silly at all in this movie. He plays a fucking badass, which is so cool. I love it when comedians have those contrasting characters. Yeah. Well, Jim Carrey did that a lot, right? Jim Carrey played some crazy characters yeah the cable well the cable guy was still pretty funny it's still kind of funny but it was real

dark the truman show was a good one that's a good one yeah yeah that was a real good one that is everybody's life now everybody with instagram live that's their life now you know that's a great movie to re-watch and look at all the little details, where all the little cameras are, why they're showing you things. The Truman Show is a smart, cool movie. I just found out, I was looking into the guy that wrote it. He wrote some cool movies that we've talked almost similarly about, Gattaca, like the topics of Gattaca.

Oh, wow. That really cool movie, if you've never seen it, called Lord of War with Nicolas Cage, where he plays an arms dealer. Yeah, I think I saw that yeah no shit yeah Nicolas Cage is gonna play

Joe Exotic oh I love it I love it I they need to speed this up and just get it done figure out a way oh please God

please God put these cameramen in hazmat suits and film it I just want Joe Exotic to be let out of jail that's what I want. We need a season two.

Come on, Trump. Let's go. Pardon that dude. I'm not buying it. I think they railroaded him. For sure. The guy admits it. That other zoo owner guy admits it.

Yeah. Yeah, he said they railroaded him, right? Yeah. It's all weird, man. He definitely did a lot of stupid shit. You know? He definitely terrorized that lady. But it seems like she might have killed her husband, too.

Yeah. That seems like that's a possibility. They need to open that case. Well, it seems like... It's the only thing everybody on that show agrees on. Once someone just disappears like that, is that really the picture? No, someone's photoshopped it. Well, that's Nicholas Cage from a long time ago, son. He doesn't look that good right now.

Yeah, that's probably 15, 20 years old. That's crazy. He's going to be perfect for that role. Remember him in Raising Arizona? Fucking great, man. So good. He was great in that movie. That is a great movie.

That's a fun fucking movie. Raising Arizona. Is that Con Air, I think? Was that what it's from? Con Air. Yeah. The world of blockbuster movies. What a weird world that must be, being one of them guys.

I can't wait to see that. I wonder how they're going to play that or write that. It's not going to be as good as the real thing. Right. Let him out of jail. Come on. Get together all your Netflix money. Yep.

Hire a good lawyer. Let him out of jail. He was just impossible to stop watching. He feels bad, and he won't do it again. Let him out. Let him out of jail. He was just impossible to stop watching. He feels bad, and he won't do it again. Let him out. Let him out, and let's see what kind of straight guys he can convert. That guy must be some sort of hypnotist. Heck yeah.

He's like a gay guy and a homophobe at the same time. He has a gun, toting a gun. He's got his own zoo. He's a tough guy in the middle gun. He's got his own zoo. He's a tough guy in the middle of Oklahoma that is gay as hell. Bro, he held it together when that cat was dragging him by his foot. He pulled off his gun and he shot and didn't even shoot the cat. He shot and shot away from the cat.

Yeah. Like that is a person who knows how to handle shit under pressure. In front of a camera. In front of a camera. In front of a camera. You can almost hear him say, God damn line, if they weren't filming this. He's got to be aware of how famous he is right now, right? Yeah.

I don't think he really, really knows. He probably has an idea, but he's not out, right? If he was, I bet the guards taunt him. Hey, bro, you're like the most famous guy in America. And here's your fucking lunch. His slides over some terrible meatloaf. Got him in solitary. I don't know, man. She had a husband that just disappeared and she

conveniently left him, he conveniently left her, rather, the whole business, all the money. All of his documents had been altered previous to his death. Like, there's so much of it that you're like, what?

And she, oh, she has like 100 tigers. Crazy. Whatever, whatever. That's not even, I mean, the guy's missing and she's devastated. Yeah. Imagine your wife chopping you up and feeding you to a fucking pit full of tigers.

Like a Conan movie. What better way to get rid of a body, really? Pigs. Yeah. Yeah, pigs probably wouldn't leave any of it. Maybe cats might do it too, eventually. They might chew through the bones. I wonder if they do that.

Wolves definitely do. Wolves chew right through bones, which is really crazy if you think about it. They're chewing through a moose bone. The Tiger Park reopened over the weekend. Congratulations. Large crowds. GW Zoo? Of course. Really? It's fucking

huge now. It's a reality show. I saw an article where the lady that got her arm bitten off in that documentary. it's a man you piece of shit oh it is yes oh jesus christ you just misgendered her um i apologize to the zookeeper there everyone tony's been under a lot of stress he's been trapped at home hasn't done stand-up in six weeks he didn't mean it but i saw an article where that just came out yesterday that said uh that she thinks that the zoos shouldn't open because the tigers could give it to each other.

Like they don't have a way of distancing the tigers. LOL. Do they even know if it goes to tigers? No. I mean, there was one thing that said that it did, that one tested positive. I wonder how it affects them. Yeah. Maybe they just carry it and it doesn't affect them. I wonder how it affects them. Yeah.

Maybe they just carry it and it doesn't affect them. I don't know. Well, I was telling you, Jamie, while we were talking about this before, the different groups of people that, in the weirdest, weirdest way, are asymptomatic. That thing that I sent you, did I send that to you, Jamie? No. Let me pull it up.

One of them was about, I think it was a meatpacking plant, and they had some insane number of employees tested positive, all of them asymptomatic. Let me see. I know I have it in here somewhere. If you just give me a second, I'll find it. I'm looking, too. I got a pork plant in Missouri.

Yes, that's exactly where it is. And that's the place Missouri just opened up concerts. They're like, let's do it. So here it is. 370 workers at a pork plant in Missouri tested positive for coronavirus. All of them were asymptomatic. All of them. That is the work of a boss that gets everybody to work and tells them all to lie you never had any symptoms that could be true huh

right that's possible that's totally possible that's totally possible yeah you gotta take that into consideration we're all getting trouble but if they were all there and they tested them, would they have been able to tell if any of them were exhibiting any symptoms? Yeah, that might be a thing, right? They might be influenced to not say it. It's hard to say. Yeah, you know, when you look at something as that, that's a good point. You nailed it there, dude.

When you look at something as that wild, like all of you, no one felt anything and still worked. If not, we all need to move to Missouri. Right. Huh. Yeah, you can't tell, right? You can't tell. Like you can't just say.

And the other one was prisoners. There was a group of prisoners that, I'll see if I can find it. I'll pull that article up for you. A group of prisoners, and they tested them, and some insane number, like 96% of them. 98%? Yeah, Tennessee. 98% tested. But I, let me check. 98% were asymptomatic.

So I was thinking about this, and God, I forget who I was talking to this about this. They were talking. Oh, I think it was Kyle Kalinsky. We're talking about your immune system, that your immune system when you're in a place like a prison is probably super strong because there's so many people around you. You're always interacting with all this different bacteria. You're always interacting with all this different bacteria. Whereas if you just like live by yourself in an apartment, like you've quarantined for these five weeks and then you're going to go back out into the world. Your immune system is like your cardiovascular system. It's like you don't use it.

So because you don't use it, it's weak. Right. Your cardiovascular system, if you're exercising all the time, you boost your capacity. And he was thinking that like that's probably what it's like in prison too it was like oh that makes a lot of sense like we would think the prison would be really unhealthy and it probably is for your mind but for your in your body because you're getting shitty food but for your immune system it might actually be a quite a workout, right? Yeah.

As long as you're getting enough nutrition, they probably have to feed them some sort of balanced diets, right? I mean, I would imagine. How bad do you think prison food is? Pretty bad. Pretty bad. Are there requirements? What kind of nutrition they have to provide to them? I don't know.

That's weird. Yeah. Like how bad? I mean, I don't know. That's weird. Yeah. Like how bad, I mean, it must be terrible. Who's complaining? Like if they're complaining, this food sucks, like no one's hearing you, bro. Yeah. You're inside a cage. You don't get a cell phone.

You don't get nothing. You get to go outside and make calls that last like seven minutes and then you get to put more coins in, do it again. And you stand there in the hallway having these conversations these once a week conversations with your friends crazy crazy what's fucked up about prison is like i don't think it works you know it's like i don't want to compare people to dogs but i'm gonna we've talked about this before that like if you get a dog and i've rescued dogs that were just they were older

and they'd seen too much and by the time you get to them they're all up you know they're they growl at people they snap at people like you got a rescue dog that wants to bite people you can't you know you want a puppy so that when you raise the puppy you could teach the puppy that you love it and this is family and everybody's cool and you got to listen to the rules though you can't in the house you can't and then you teach it and then it becomes like this i think in a way it's really hard to train an older dog i know some people are experts at it but i think they just don't want to learn and their life has just been fucked over by people and if you get a like a seven-year-old eight-year-old pound dog that's been abused, like, ugh. Yeah. Fuck that poor dog.

They don't want – and it's almost like with some humans, the abuse that life throws at us from the time you're young, you're kind of like trying to deal with it as you get older and maybe fix yourself and try to balance your own self out. But every now and then, you'll forget how easy you have it in comparison to some people. If you see some people's lives where it's just poverty and crime and everyone around them was either a criminal or on drugs. Everywhere you look, you see despair. You don't see any happiness. where you look you see despair you don't see any happiness for someone to come through that to have the same expectations as they have someone who came through even like my childhood which was not that bad my childhood was a little weird but it wasn't bad no one was a you know no one's

abusive to me when someone's abusive to you and then all of a sudden you find yourself you're 32 and you're trying to get your shit together but you just you have visions of being raped or beaten by your uncles and you know whatever the fuck it is that that's inside your head that just like all day defines you yeah it's it's it's so hard for people to turn gears you know it's so hard for people that have just said you know what i'm just to numb myself with pills. Those guys, I'm just going to numb myself. It's so hard for those guys to get out of that. It's so hard to go, no, I'm going to run every day and eat healthy food and I'm going to drink only water.

That's hard. That's way harder than just taking oxys. So many people just want to – if you meet a guy and he's like 31 and he's taking Oxy, he's like, how much can you change him? Like you almost want, you have to be so, so driven to change yourself. And a lot of people just aren't. Yeah. It's, it's hard to, it's hard to do that stuff if you're not in the routine of doing that anyway exercise and drink water Just be healthy yeah sleep early. It's hard. It's fucking hard to do it's hard to not be self-destructive

Yeah, but with people the crazy thing is sometimes they can do it sometimes you can get a guy who's 32 hooked on heroin And then 10 years later He's running marathons and writing books and super positive eating eating healthy and now he has a family and he's a different person that does happen too that's the thing about people it's like some of us get through like how many people run 100 miles not many but i know like three or four yeah you know what i mean yeah like it's not it's not there's not that many but some people do it and i almost think like getting your shit together is a lot like running 100 miles like everyone can do it if you just force yourself to do it but it's fucking hard to run 100 i can only imagine how hard i've never done it right i would imagine

fucking hard to run 100 miles well it's fucking hard to get your life together too both things are hot but some people do them less people run 100 miles than get their shit together though so it seems to be easier than running 100 miles by my measurements yeah still hard though it's fucking hard it's hard to run a mile for sure tell people to run a mile most people are just like what a mile no problem bitch go run a mile go run a mile not shuffle not not little no i want you to move your body. I want you to spring, bounce, spring, bounce. Let's keep going.

One mile. It's hard. It's not easy. And it changes depending on anything as easy as your last meal. Yes. You know? Oh, dude. Get a bowl of spaghetti and try to go for a run.

Especially like meatballs. Those breaded meatballs. Oh, my God. That's another thing I've gotten better at during this quarantine. Oh, dude. Oh, dude, I got to give you some elk. Yes, absolutely. Please do.

All I want is pictures. Take pictures. For sure. Take some food porn for me. Absolutely. Ready to go. I actually fucking, there's this farmer's market right by where I live, the original LA farmer's market. And so i live the original la farmer's market and

so they have like multiple butcher shops and i was going to um i was going to different ones when this whole thing first started and trying out different things and different combinations of basically remaking each week my mom's meat sauce which is different than a regular sauce that has meatballs and this and that anyway and i kept testing out these different concoctions. And one time I nailed it and it really tasted like hers. And I went back to that butcher shop and did it again. And I said to the guy, I go, yeah, that stuff I made last week came out just like my mom's. And he goes, where are you from? I said, Youngstownown and it turns out that that butcher shop was and is from originally there and that it is the same it's basically the same stuff it's all

the same like meat or cut or whatever they do or how they do it was the same thing so what are you putting in your your sauce like how are you doing when you say meat sauce? Are you using ground beef? Are you using- A percentage of ground beef. Basically, 50% ground beef, 25% hot ground up Italian sausage, and 25% pork. Wow. You have a formula. Oh, yeah, baby. It's been something that I've been tweaking here and there.

It comes out fucking good now. So, you're getting all the food, all the meat from this one place? fucking good now. So you're getting all the food, all the meat from this one place? Well, now I get my sausage and my pork from there and the ground beef from the other place. I have it all figured out now.

So you're like getting deep into this shit. Oh yeah. What else are you cooking? Well, I mean, really I'm a big sucker for pasta. So it's like a lot of different types of sauces and experimentations, like the vodka sauce with like a pinker sauce and uh do you think people hate you because you're so

slim and beautiful and yet you eat pasta all day i mean if they only knew how much pasta i eat so much pasta it's crazy i eat pasta like a fucking one of those tlLC shows where people can't get out of bed without eating pasta. I am an 800-pound man in this fucking toothpick body. You're a great eater. When we do shows, you eat like a motherfucker. I'm always proud of myself

when I take down more than you. I'm always like, yeah, I'm a real fucking man. I'm a man. You know who could eat us both under the table? Who could literally eat the same amount both of us would eat who ari shafir oh yeah at fogo de chow because it's like it's not free you know you pay but right it's all you can eat all i need to uh get my money's worth well for

him i'm serious if the food keeps coming he's gonna keep eating yeah if it doesn't cost anything because it's green when you want to go like when you want to keep They come around with these plates full of all this crazy meats and sausages and chicken legs and all this different stuff. And they just keep coming. And you can just take as much as you want. And then when you got to tap out, you flip your coin over to red. He's so cheap. He takes that coin with him.

Ari just eats. He just eats. It's great. We're stunned afterwards. Everyone's sitting around. Joey Diaz is done. I'm done. Duncan's done. We're stunned afterwards. Everyone's sitting around. Joey Diaz is done. I'm done. Duncan's done.

We're staring at him. He's like, I'm not going to stop. Why should I stop? They're going to keep bringing it. Yeah. If you keep bringing it, I'm going to keep eating it. It's so good. He just kept chowing like a wolf.

Yeah. Like he was filling himself up. That's the food. I'll feel more of an impact by eating a couple pounds of meat like that than i will from all the pasta in the world that's interesting fogo de chow slows me down for the evening i've learned that uh if i have fogo de chow for lunch i like i don't do it on a night where i have to work which is obviously most nights but now not but anyway uh that's the one that would affect me is just a lot of meat

see for me it's totally the opposite yeah for whatever reason like when i i love pasta too man i love it it's so good oh god so good there's so many different kinds too and they all do different things like angel hair is great for some things you know what i like there's this twisty pasta it's like long like spaghetti yeah but it's long like spaghetti. Yeah. But it's thicker. Like the tube's thicker. It's like spirally. It's long? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's long like a spaghetti.

Wow. But twirly like a rotini? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But twirly all the way down. Like spaghetti that's twirly. It's so good. How long? Like that long?

Like a real piece of spaghetti. Wow, that's crazy. Like a normal piece of spaghetti. Yeah. Dude, it's actually probably a little longer. I get it from Italy. So I bought like a couple of cases of it off amazon i'm so addicted to it yeah i want to know what that is i will the world needs i'll send you a photo of it afterwards long rotini it comes in like this yellow package that's exactly what it looks like. Fusilli Longhi. Long pot. So it's long fusilli.

It's so good, dude. So what I like to do, if I eat domestic animals, particularly this is how I like to, a lot of times if I have ribeye with spaghetti, I'll cook the ribeye and get it like just about medium rare and then I slice that bitch up and drop it into the tomato sauce just a couple more minutes oh just get it all in there get all that juicy in there and then and then dump these big thick slices of ribeye with tomato sauce on that italian pasta yeah oh i can get fat yes get so fat and it's beautiful. Sometimes you can put the pasta, you know, you make your pasta some pastas are better Put in the sauce directly and some are better obviously keeping them separated and some absorb

The sauce and some of them you cook longer in the sauce and some of them you don't see this resonates with everybody Delicious pasta resonates with everybody. That's why so many women were mad when Adele lost all that weight. Yes. Like, no, bitch, I don't want to give up on this fucking pasta. Yeah. I was with you when you were big. Yeah. See, there's a new photo of her.

Yeah. No, I saw it this morning. Did you see the controversy? And the first thing I knew, literally the first thing that I thought of, the second my eyes laid on that picture I'm like this is going to be crazy because people are going to say in these comments that she's beautiful and that's going to be hilarious because you're basically saying that she wasn't beautiful before by saying that she's beautiful now in a weird way they're sort of insinuated and And I didn't even realize until two hours or an hour later after I had woken up that it became like this like news story. So it's just funny to me because like it's like is her voice the same? Right?

Because that's really difficult to do and is now healthier? Yeah. If you are an Adele fan, wouldn't you want her to be healthier? I mean, you want her to be able to keep singing for longer, right? You love her. You want her to be healthier. for longer right you love her you want her to be healthier you don't want her to get one of the main uh things they found in in new york city about people that uh caught covet 19 that was a real problem was obesity big problem she was at one point in time much larger and now

she's like really slim and people are mad and saying this is what they're saying, I don't want her to be applauded for losing weight as if it's some, to some wording like this, like that I don't want to adhere to these beauty standards that she's better looking because she lost weight. But she is. Yep. And you know that. The only reason why anybody would want to fight against that when so many people overwhelmingly think she looks better is because they don't want to look at themselves.

It's that simple. They don't want to change. And they want you to – they're trying to bully you in deciding they're beautiful if they're 210 pounds. Yeah. That's really what it is. It's like we're redefining beauty standards. You can't do that. Right.

You can't decide that the way you look is what everybody should like. That beauty standards. You can't do that. You can't decide that the way you look is what everybody should like. That's crazy. You can't do that. And if people have decided worldwide that fitter, healthier bodies are more attractive, that's just what it is. It's not redefining beauty standards. The beauty standards come from what people are attracted to. Yeah, it's not fair. You're right.

It's not fair. A lot of shit in life's not fair. Yeah. That's just how it is. Yeah. If you'd choose to stay big, that is your choice. I know it's a difficult choice to try to move your body down and lose weight and get healthy. We already talked about that.

We were just talking about it. But you can't say that it's not attractive when someone has a good body, because it is. So if someone has a better body than they used to have, it looks better. So that's what a beauty standard is. This is what people are attracted to when it comes to bodies. They're attracted to fit bodies.

That's not a shame. That's not a bad thing. The idea that this is somehow or another something we need to avoid and putting undue pressure on people, it's nonsense. It looks great. If it's pressure on you because other people look great, well, what do you do with that pressure? Do you decide to be better, better yourself, take care of yourself better? Do you decide that it's not worth as much to you to worry about what your body looks like and you're more concentrated on maybe art or whatever the fuck else?

That's fine too. But you can't be mad at people that put a lot of energy in that direction and look better. Right. Because she looks better. It's not a bad thing. And isn't saying that everybody's body is beautiful no matter what, doesn't that make it worse for the people with ugly faces? You know what I mean?

Because then they're more part of just a smaller group. If there's some lady that her eyes are on the side of her head. But she has a banging body. Right. She still gets action. Yeah, I guess. No problem at all. Yeah. Of course, she's hot. Well. Dude, I guess. No problem at all. Yeah.

Of course. She's hot. Well. Dude, men don't care that much. Where your eyes are. It's beauty standards are just what are people attracted to. And people are generally attracted to people that are healthier. That's just a physical thing. That's, and people are generally attracted to people that are healthier. That's

just a physical thing. That's a part of, and we're only talking about attractive, like sexual attraction, right? We're not saying, you know, if you're 20 or 30 pounds overweight, like you look horrible and I don't want to look at you. Like I have a lot of friends that are fat, but it is what it is. It's just, it is what it is. And maybe they'll find somebody that's into that. But you can't like decide that people are going to change what they're attracted to. That's silly. You can't do that. Like they are attracted to people that put out more effort.

They're attracted to people that have the strength to get up at six o'clock in the morning, go to the gym before work. There's something really hot about that. It's attractive. It's attractive. Someone who takes care of themselves. It is. It just is. Now it might not be to you, but that's why the world's beautiful, because we can all have different things that we like and different things we don't like.

But when a giant chunk of people are into this one thing, like nice bodies, it doesn't mean that it's all shallow or terrible or it's somehow or another demeaning to people that don't adhere to those standards. No, it's a competition. There's some sort of a physiological competition between males and females in terms of trying to be attractive. And that's one of the things they do. They make their body look better. Another thing they do is dress nice. They wear jewelry. They do stuff to make themselves look better. The idea that making your body look better is somehow or another, this is a bad standard to adhere to when you take your big body that you're not taking care of and you wrap it up in all this crazy clothes and all these ribbons and bows and you show your bare midriff because you're brave and you got your big old ass, these jeans. It still looks

pretty good. Don't get me wrong. Still look great. Honestly, I thought Adele looked a little, I thought she looked cuter, a little bit thicker. Now she sort of looks, I mean, granted she looks healthier, but she looks a little bit more just basic, you know what I mean? Sort of just like all the other pop stars. Well, in every movie where there's a guy who's kind of a fuck-up who's going to get in trouble, it's a guy who's built like you

with a woman who's like 250 pounds and she tells him what to do. So maybe it's like a thing. Hasn't David Spade played a character like that where he's got a big wife or a big girl?

Right? There's always a few of those. I think so. Maybe that's your thing maybe you like to dell when she's how shallow how yes that's right yeah dude maybe that's your thing is what big ones you're like i'm big so when adele was big you're like yes control me hold me down maybe i don't know i want to know what her voice sounds like. What if she sounds horrible now?

Because she had that operatic, right? Yeah. Powerful, powerful voice. I was having a conversation with a buddy who told me he liked to have a ball gag put in his mouth. I was like, really? What was he talking about? During sex? I think, yeah. Exactly exactly is this a podcast yeah

during sex oh okay yeah like what people are into i'm saying you know i'm not saying that people can't be into big girls there's a lot of people into big girls but a lot of people are into everything you know but that's okay too like a lot of people are into everything. But that's okay too. A lot of people are into weird stuff. You got to try out different things, I think. If you can get it, it's fun. Dude, people's brains are not the same. The idea that what you like, I'm supposed to like,

or what I like, you're supposed to like. You spend so much time watching pro wrestling. I watch it every now and then. I'm like, ah, that's a crazy move. I can't. But you can. We're different. too you just have you just haven't yet i'll never give up on that i was gonna push his butt i have to do a fight companion with a wrestling event sometime well as a comic you're probably the greatest wrestling um in terms of like who's a real evangelist you're

a wrestling evangelist you're always trying to get people to watch pro wrestling. I don't think it's for everybody, but I think you would love it. I don't think so. What about the WrestleMania event? The Undertaker's match? Yeah. That's a sell to him? I like the girls.

The girls wrestling. Seems more realistic. WrestleMania was great. What about The Undertaker? You didn't like it? It was very cinematic. They've been doing things more like a movie as of late because they don't have an audience. Great way to put it.

Cinematic. Yeah. I enjoyed Ronda Rousey. She made a great transition to WWE. She really did. She really did. Yeah. She's great at it.

Well, she's a pro. That's why she was a medalist in judo in the Olympics. That's why she was a beast in MMA. She's a pro, and she took to that like a pro. She really played the heel well. She played mean well. It was great. Physically, she could do so much with her judo.

There's so much shit. How strong she is, the way she could throw women around it's pretty crazy and because of that that's that's what really works is when it looks like an like she messed something up sort of is the best stuff that's what you sort of want to feel real to you right why don't you just watch real shit the fuck is wrong i do i watch i watch real stuff too there's a huge crossover of people that are MMA and pro wrestling fans. Even like really respected journalists in MMA. Oh, yeah. Big time.

Oh, they were all going crazy over WrestleMania. I couldn't believe it. Ariel Helwani and Brett Okamoto, all of them were talking about. I could not believe it because I follow. I don't follow many people on Twitter, I follow those guys and I'm like these MMA and sure enough the one like wrestling journalist that I followed on it

was like this is crap this is the worst WrestleMania ever like I'm like oh my god this is nuts but isn't that always the case someone's gonna say it's fucking terrible and someone's gonna say it was the best thing I've ever seen right with fucking everything yep everything god damn it Someone's going to say it's fucking terrible, and someone's going to say it was the best thing I've ever seen. Right. With fucking everything.

Yep. Everything. God damn it. Yep. And that's why The Irishman shocked me. Granted, it's not like Parasite where it's like, wow, what a crazy work of art. But it was a great Scorsese movie to me. And there's a bad critic for everything now and whoever got that out there,

the Irishman bad, made it better for me because it lowered my expectations. Dude, I saw people commenting about Ozark. Negatively commenting about Ozark. I'm like, okay, this is just proof of my thing. That show's masterpiece. It's a masterpiece.

If you're into a dramatic thriller where you don't know where the fuck they're going, that show is a goddamn masterpiece. Every show leaves you hanging on the edge. You can't wait to find out what the fuck happened. It's a masterpiece. And I was reading all these dismissive comments. I was like, oh my God, thank you. It just like puts it all in perspective.

Like who are we listening to? Who's writing that? Yeah. Jason Bateman's a monster. Monster! The fact that he's directing that is insane. That's a great transition to directing. One time, though, his daughter had a cell phone, and she had an Android phone, and she

was making a text to him, and he was making a text to her and they would see the dot dot dots dot dot dots but you don't get those on an android phone oh very interesting yeah you get those if you've got an iphone bitch yeah that makes sense right that's why Ian Edwards keeps an android it's like son I don't want

anybody to know what I'm texting from a fucking computer he goes you tell me you could be texting some shit I don't want anybody to know what I'm texting from a fucking computer. He goes, you tell me you could be texting some shit and someone's reading it on a computer. Why is it even on there? He's like, he's right. You ever get a text message in your laptop, you just feel violated? Like, what is this?

Why are you texting me here? Why is it showing up here? I'm trying to get away from my phone. I'm working over here. Yeah. That's annoying, right? I just got a new laptop and I can't figure out how to shut that off. Oh, yeah, you got to go in your settings.

I couldn't find it. Yeah, you can shut it off, but sometimes it turns itself on again. It's super annoying. It's weird, too, because apple figured out that the blue bubble looks better it's really simple and so if uh a text message comes in it doesn't just say text message instead of i message no no no you also get a different color bitch imagine if it was black but here's the thing is it's like oh black, black with white letters is pretty dope. Yeah, that'd be the best. But here's the thing. Well, you can do that too, right?

Oh. You know, you get in nighttime mode. I got to do that. You don't know about that? No. I know I've mentioned this before, but the thing that really bothers me about it is that the color for the app is green. They fucked it by putting the mail app blue and you can't just have another blue app.

Yeah, but when you do get a green bubble with a black screen, it's not as bad. The color combination of green on black is not as bad as green on white. Green on white is kind of offensive. It just looks wrong. It doesn't belong with it. It's like they tricked us

it's very wise because all text used to be green and then they realized blue looks better quickly quickly take the blue they just took blue they just took it but here's the thing if you have a an android phone and you send it through their messages app um you know the their little client that they use to send text messages, you can have it all kinds of colors. You could actually change it. You could make it red. You could make it black. You could do a bunch of shit. It's all customizable.

That's why they like it. Apple keeps you locked into their little system. I've updated my Windows PC recently and they're trying to do something like that. I'm not letting my phone and computer buy into it, but it's like, hey like hey by the way you know you can connect your phone when you sign in now and have all of this shit here i'm like no don't do that whenever i think about i see those messages i read them back to myself in the same voice as the demon trying to convince bruce jenner to be a

woman remember that bit that i used to do i read that's how i read them. You can connect your phone. Come on. Join the Matrix. You would know a little bit about this. There's something I discovered last night, but there's a new popular game that's out, and the anti-cheat program that runs in the background of your computer goes all the way down to the kernels of your computer,

which is something different. Don't be a pussy. Nothing wrong with being in your kernels. The company that runs it is based in China, and that is a potential spyware or something like that. Don't be a racist. Nothing wrong with Chinese stuff in your kernels. Relax.

Lock into the matrix. How long before the first person gets in the matrix? Do we have five years even? I don't think so. I don't think we have five years before we have bolts in the back of our head that we tie into a clamp. Big old hose. Thing right here. I was looking around.

This is a potential. Oh, Jesus Christ. Western University. What? a COVID tracking thing that they're tested with like less than 30 people. Oh, my God. That's so crazy. To track stroke patients and like changes in your breathing and lungs or something like sounds in there that connect to a device, which is your phone and let you know if something's up. you know if something's up. What better way to get integrated with the grid than to create a virus that makes you wear a mask, takes away your humanity, can't touch each other, got to stay away, no social

contact, so you're getting more and more addicted to your TV and your phone, more and more addicted to your laptop. I'll free you, but you got to take a test, and then I got to put a tracking thing on you because I want to make sure that you're a good boy, Tony. You're a good boy. You don't go catching no COVID and spreading it around, so I got to know where you are so I can chart out the health of the public. Frightening.

Can't give that up, folks. Five-stage reopening process based on risk. For Los Angeles announced within the hour or so. Stage one, safer at-home order. Planning for recovery. Stage two, which we're about to go into. That's now, right? This is as of Friday.

This Friday. Flores, some retailers, car dealerships, golf courses, and trails soon. Other low-risk businesses, manufacturers, office, retail, essential healthcare, outdoor recreation, and libraries. I thought we already talked about outdoor recreation. You have to wear, they say here on this screen, you have to wear face

covering when you go out there on the trails. Are they making runners wear face masks while they're running? No. Not out on the streets, I don't think, but if you're on a trail, you could probably get stopped. Find out if that's true, because I've been reading all these things that say

that there's, you know, we joked around about it before, like if someone passes you when they're running, like how close are they to you? But it doesn't seem like there's any sort of science to say that it spreads that way. I know, that's what I've read that and didn't think that that was true, too. But I texted Brendan Schaub.

He said he got a ticket for being on that trail. I don't know what the ticket was for. Jesus Christ. I was like, did you really get a ticket? He said, yeah. Did he get a ticket for just being there, or did he get a ticket for not wearing a mask? I'm not sure.

Wow. So museums, cultural centers, and galleries, thank God they can open up LACMA, and you can stare at a plexiglass box at some fucking dipshit glued together. Look at that. Stage three. Separated with velvet ropes.

Stage three, high-risk businesses, body art, massage bars, nightclubs, movie theaters, and bowling alleys. So we have to wait. We have to wait for the next stage. It doesn't say when. And then stage four, higher risk businesses, entertainment venues. Oh, wait a minute.

That might be us. But wait a minute. Yeah, like what is an entertainment venue? Is that like a large arena? That might be more like a thousand people more, like a concert venue. Don't say a thousand, Jamie. You gave him a bad idea. Say 3,000. 3,000? Don't say a thousand. Jamie, you gave him a bad idea. Say three thousand.

We want theaters. We can do comedy in theaters. If they shut down all the arenas and I just have to do ten shows instead of one, we can do that. But this is just Los Angeles. I know, but these fucks, it doesn't matter. This is...

Also, Ohio's just passed a law they said to change what the Department of Health is doing so that they're superseding the rules in their Congress. They only have 14, I don't know. Listen, I think ultimately, we're hating this, what California's doing. Ultimately, there's way less people that got it here than got it anywhere else. So it's probably a good idea. But as a comedian, it fucking sucks.

It sucks. As a person who is not in the highest of risks, it sucks. I know quite a few people that have had it, and we're going to actually have Michael Yeo come on next week. I'm really interested to talk to him because he had it real bad. And he got it from New York. And then there because he had it real bad and he got it from New York. And then there's been some speculation that the people who got it from New York, they get it from Europe, but the people that got it in California, a lot of them got it from China,

which is really interesting because I wonder if as it went through Europe, it got worse. Like that's possible, right? And wasn't that something that they speculated that there's some sort of different strains yeah but what couldn't new york people just come to la for sure from china um yeah they could but i think the when they track the origin i think that's the reason they can test yeah yeah i think there's imagine a moron like me trying to even say this but i think there's some sort of a genetic tracing mechanism to what they're doing. Going back to November flu samples to see if they can track it to back then right now. So they found December though, right?

Is that confirmed or is that just speculative? What I read or saw last night, this morning, it said that early December. Yeah. Is that the one in Sweden? Because I read something that Sweden has it back to November or December now. Has what back? They've traced COVID back to being in Sweden as far as November. Oh, I thought you were saying in terms of their opening back up.

They're kind of opened up. Yeah. In Sweden. Yeah. But here's the thing. You also got to realize that Sweden is not the United States. It's a weird place. It's really stretched out, and there's not a lot of people there.

It's nothing like New York. The thing about New York is that's like a house made out of hay, and someone drops a cigar, and that motherfucker just catches on fire and goes, wah! There's so many people. The viral load you must take in every day if you live in Manhattan, on the subway, fucking right next to people, breathing in everybody's air, everybody's coughing and it's getting in.

There's only so much air in that room. Even if you forget about the subway and just talk about the entrance door to either their home or their workplace has hundreds of people, minimum, going through it every single day. And those hundreds of people that go through that door every single day, they're on the subway, or they're walking by people on the street. It's just too much, way too much.

So many people. They're all breathing each other's funk. Yep. Sweden says coronavirus was likely in the country as early as November 2019. That's what I read. Wow, that's crazy. Because they found it in France in December.

It's most likely that it was probably in December. That's crazy. So they found it in France from that time too? Mm-hmm. Wow. I appreciate their approach that they're going through. And let it be known, Sweden's a smart frickin' place, man. When I was there with you, Stockholm.

Wow. So one had a patient in France who was infected with COVID-19 back in December, a month before the contagion was thought to have reached Europe. Doctors retroactively tested the samples from when the man was admitted to the hospital near Paris on December 27th with a cough, a headache, and a fever. Wow. This, uh, it really does feel like more than one disease. And apparently there's a strain in India,

and there's some concern that even when they come up with a vaccine, this strain in India is going to be immune to it. It's not going to work on this strain because this strain is so different than what's going on right now. Do you see COVID toes yet? COVID toes is a new... Oh, like you get funky toenails? Serious symptom.

No, it's the actual toe-toe. What happens? It turns bright red because of blood clotting, and it is a serious symptom of the coronavirus. In fact, I saw one person get diagnosed just from that. They had no other symptoms, so they diagnosed the person because of COVID toes. a whole long thing about it wow it's a fucking weird disease man some people seem to get it and just walk it off and other people get it and it's a death sentence it doesn't

make it doesn't seem like anything else maybe it's just like we just haven't been paying attention to you know when i found out that there was 61000 people that died from the flu a year ago. Yeah. 61,000? Right. That's so many fucking people. Yeah. That's crazy.

Like, you would have never believed that. And I know there's been more deaths from COVID. But the other thing we were trying to figure out, somebody tweeted that there was, because of the fact that there's so many COVID deaths, that there's actually a decrease in the amount of people that have died from heart disease. And they're thinking, how many people are not being counted? How many people that died of heart disease? How accurate is the count? Because I think what they're doing is, if you have COVID, you die, you died from COVID. They don't investigate to see if there were some other things that might have killed you and COVID just also was there.

Like maybe this is the cause. Oh, he clearly had a heart attack. Oh, this is the cause. He clearly had this. Now they're saying that COVID might even cause heart attacks in people. You know, that might cause strokes and weird blood clots in people. So it's like it's different in different people. It's like it's so strange.

And it almost feels like like we're living like people lived in the past where you get your your information piecemeal. Like what? What's happening? Because it's new and they don't really know. It's not like this is like this is an established science about measles. Right. They know what the fuck it is. They they know how to prevent they know how to make a vaccine they know there's not with this with this it's like what what's going like we haven't put all the pieces together yet so we're experiencing it in real time along with the world's foremost medical experts do you see the scientist from p scientist from Pittsburgh that supposedly was close to a breakthrough that got murdered in a murder suicide?

Yes. Yes. Yeah. I did see that. That's crazy. It is crazy. Yeah. Like what the hell?

Yeah. You, I'm in the middle of this Jack Carter novel. It's all about crazy espionage and murder and murder for hire and shit. And, uh, you know, of course,

instantly when I see something like this, you know, of course, instantly, when I see something like this, I go, oh my God, what if they whacked him and they whacked this guy to cover up their tracks? They didn't want him to find a cure because they're working on their own cure. Yeah. Very significant findings, according to the university.

That guy does not look like the guy that would get murdered for anything. Gunshot wounds to the head. You don't read Jack Carter, Jack Carr books. If you read, I can't even talk. If you read Jack Carr books, you would totally think he looks like a guy that gets shot because everybody gets shot. That guy's books are so violent, man.

Everybody's getting shot. So it says they found him in his townhouse and then the other person person, the suspect, they found shot themselves in a car, right? Is that what it is? Mm-hmm. Yep. Returning to his car and taking his own life. Wow. See, that's the story.

Is that what happened? So it could have been like a bad business deal or maybe a love triangle or something. Imagine if you were on your way to developing a vaccine for something and that vaccine was going to net your company an estimated $1.9 billion. And then this fucking smarty pants dipshit, let's not even say that guy, some guy in Vancouver figures out a way to kill this stuff. And he wants to publish it. And you gotta get to him. Gotta get to him before he publishes it.

Because if he does, if this super smart guy has figured something out about the structure of this virus and he knows how to fix it. He knows how to fix this problem the world's facing. It's an easy fix. That guy winds up dead. Wow. That's possible. That's in books.

I've read it in books. I guarantee. Actually, I've listened to it in audio books. But the same thing. I guarantee actually I've listened to it in audio books, but the same thing. I've become obsessed with this, uh, criminal psychology thing on YouTube called Jim can't swim.

And he breaks down interrogation videos. Oh, I've heard of this guy. So addictive. I actually got on Patreon and, uh, he's the first person I've ever been a Patreon person. Wow.

And I went and I blasted through this stuff. It is so cool. And it's all criminal psychology and he talks about how these interrogators, and he has great video somehow of these interrogations and how these people break through and he'll stop it and show you, like here's what he's doing and here's why

and how they get people and how why people lie and how they lie and this and that it's so damn interesting because you watch people they cannot cover their tracks and then once you watch enough of them once you're like halfway through you already know like you're like oh they're guilty. Oh, they just gave it away. Before he even stops it, you know how it's crazy, that whole criminal world. Like, they can't lie. You would think that, you know, you would think like, oh, I could fool one of those guys. Like, I could fool a detective if he was interrogating me. And it's like, no, you cannot.

Well, you know what that's probably like? Like, I'm going to heckle this guy. I'm going to fuck up his act. Yep, exactly. And then the comedian tortures you. I saw one where this lady killed her husband's wife, or killed her ex-boyfriend's wife, right? Back in college at UCLA.

Wow. Yep, killed her, got away with it became an lapd detective right get this 25 years later then they realized that this detective on their force could potentially be the murderer. How did they figure out that she could be the murderer? Well, they ended up interviewing some people from back then. They had this cold case. What's really ironic

is that they did so good, all these detectives, that they ran out of basically stuff to do. So they got to start going way back on cold cases and looking more into them. And so they looked at some interviews and this and that, and they're like, this lady works on the force.

And then they ended up finding out more and more and more that she could have been attached. So they kept it a secret and they kept it completely secret from her. And they just brought her down to a break room saying that they had some questions about something. Little did she know that the interrogation had begun. Oh, my God. And she was the worst liar ever. She literally had 25 years of guilt built up.

It's like a steaming teapot. Wow. So she's literally like, what is this? What is this about? Are you kidding me? You can watch this online. Oh, yeah.

What is it? It's called Jim Can't Swim on YouTube. That particular one. I want to know that one. It begins with an L. It's the Lazarus Files. Yep, Stephanie Lazarus. Jamie, please send me that link.

Stephanie Lazarus. See, that's one of those things where I wish we could play something on the show and listen to that. I'm going to check that out. It's so good. God damn. And they stop and they show you little things right from the beginning. They say the guy's name wrong. Like, do you know John Hoover or whatever it was?

And the guy's name was John Hover. And she goes, John Hoover? John Hoover? And she takes way too long. And then she goes john hoover john john hoover and she takes way too long and then she goes you mean maybe john hover and then they stop it and he's like you know she thought of john hover immediately she's pretending like she's searching through her brain like they show you what they're showing right right right she's pretending like this is no big deal and they have to put it out there she's not not nervous that she murdered this fucking guy. Basically, everything that the person does is showing you what they're hiding.

Yeah. Dude, this guy went to clean out his mom's apartment. She died. And he found a freezer, one of those chest freezers, with a dead decomposing body in it. So the body had been there. The freezer was in, I think it was in the basement. See if you can find this. I believe this was in New Jersey.

I think it was in New Jersey. No, it was in Manhattan. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was in Manhattan. It was one of those giant ass meat freezers. And someone threw the body in there and duct taped it all shut so the stink couldn't get out. And she wouldn't let anybody visit her building. Man goes to clear out dead mom's house, finds body in there and duct taped it all shut so the stink couldn't get out. And she wouldn't let anybody visit her building. Man goes to clear out dead mom's house, finds body in freezer.

Police say a man found a decomposed body in his dead mother's freezer as she was cleared out of her New York City apartment. Wow. He found the body this week in a chest freezer that had been sealed with duct tape. Investigators said the body appeared to have been stored for over 10 years. Building superintendent Asmir Basim told the newspaper on Friday's article the body was so decayed that authorities couldn't determine its sex. Basim said they wouldn't let, she wouldn't let them, there it is, the deceased tenant

never gave permission for work to be done in the Hamilton Heights apartment. That was what I thought was funny. She's like, no, I'm good. They're like, your plumbing's bad. Nope, plumbing's perfect. Is there a smell coming out of your place? Not anymore. Nope, not anymore.

No smell. Thanks. Click. Bolt. Shut. Clip. Two locks. I just wouldn't let anybody in

she had a fucking chest freezer with a dead body what's worse cleaning your dead mom's place and finding a dead body or having her dildo hit you in the face off a shelf the body I don't care if my mom uses a dildo that's her choice if her dildo

she's a free woman fell off the top shelf and hit you in the head. Get over it, pussy. Doink. Yeah, better than a body. Your mother's a murderer. Killed somebody 10 fucking years ago and threw him in an ice chest and duct taped it shut. What the fuck?

All right. I didn't realize you supported your mother's use of dildos quite as much. I support your mother's use of dildos, too. I love your mother. I hope she's happy. She is. Your mother kills. I hope she's happy. She is. Your mother kills. Yeah, she's the best.

If you write for your mother, your mother would be a world-class traveling stand-up. When she did that Kill Tony and she went up and did stand-up with notes and had never done it before. Murdered. She murdered. Murdered. Your mother legitimately had great timing, great delivery. She leaned into the punchline. She was killing, man.

She was killing. It was funny. That was fun. She listened to my few notes, and she just did it. She had fun. I told her to smile. Enjoy it. Don't forget to smile.

And leave spaces in between the jokes. Those were the two things. She was great, man. It was so cool to see, too. Yeah. It's like when someone does something like that they've never done before, and their son is a professional stand-up, and it was on your son's podcast in a live audience. The biggest fear people have is fucking up in front of a large crowd. Yeah.

of a large crowd. Yeah. Whitney Cummings told me that that comes from when in the past, when people were in front of large crowds, usually it's because you're being judged. Like you did something wrong and the group is turning on you. And I was like, oh, that makes sense. That's where that fear comes from. Yeah. That makes total sense.

Total makes sense. Yeah. Like that when we were evolving, you know, as we're going through the civilizations of the past, if it was a group of people that was staring at you and you're around all these people and you're down and they're all up like, ah, that's fucking terrifying. For sure. Or perhaps even about to be executed. Oh, for sure. Yeah, for sure. When there's one person, everyone's focusing on them. Most of the time, that's scary because most of the time it's bad. Occasionally someone's performing, you know, but most of the time that's scary because most of the time it's bad occasionally someone's performing you know but most of the time it's really bad yeah it's like a group of people are trying to kill you the only time it's really good is when everything's going great there's plenty of food and booze then the person like we're gonna listen to you because you're exceptional because you have

a wonderful voice or you you're really good with the musical instrument. Yeah, that is weird. It's fucking real weird. The fear that people get in going out there and performing and having people boo at them and hate them, they're so scared of it. It's interesting. That's where booze comes in, right? How many people have given speeches at their companies, like, you know, they get together and have a company Christmas party,

and someone, unfortunately, leaves a microphone, and a bunch of people are boozing. And so he goes up there and just ruins their fucking life. How many times has that happened? How many times has that happened? How many times has that happened? When someone thought they could say something that Chris Rock would say? And they try out a bit. They try out a bit at their company party.

From then on, you get brought into human resources on Monday. Yeah. Tony, I want you to tell me about Saturday night. Tell me from your perspective. Why'd you say what you said? Why'd you do what you did? It's so funny. Not only that, they're supplying you with booze, which is hilarious. Like if they had just Coke and joints rolled up, laying around, people would never blame

you. They wouldn't blame you. you gave them coke and and got them high as fuck bong hits and they were saying wacky shit curled up in the corner you wouldn't blame them but you got an open bar are you fucking christmas party and mikey gets a little sauced up and says something stupid and you're mad at him it's so funny to think about like how real companies have christmas parties with alcohol and all that and then you have you ever been to a comedy store christmas party i don't like christmas party right that's why i'm asking i know everybody else is there but i don't think i've ever seen you

at one and it's probably a good thing because it's complete chaos it's beyond like they could because obviously the comedy store has no has less than no hr so it's way way way way over the top like it's absolutely ridiculous continuous continuous alcohol consumption like shots and shots and shots and shots and shots and shots and shots. When is it coming back? When do you think we'll move into that lovely phase three? I don't know, man. I think maybe my guess right

now would be eight to twelve weeks something starts. Eight to twelve weeks. Perhaps the main room's spaced out with the OR. I wonder if they can hang in there that long that's a long time to hang in there i think so you think so i i i do i think uh i think that they've done really well as of late like really well there's something about alcohol sales which takes a business to a whole nother level. And they've been slinging some drinks. They certainly have, but

look, it's hard for everybody. And it's paid for, right? They own the building. That's true. It's a building. If they were paying rent, it would be rough. But my God, are those shows back. When we come back, my God, are those gonna be fun. Those are gonna be fun.

Because you never thought it could be taken away from you. Taken away from everybody. Honestly, I was mad at you the first day because you were the i had a show with you that night we performed the night before and the next morning i wake up and i see your tweet saying unfortunately i'm gonna cancel my shows tonight at the comedy store right yeah and i'm literally like come on joe you're falling for this fake disease. I was more like, this is bullshit. Well, it was actually an order. Oh, no, I know. In retrospect, obviously, I was wrong.

Yeah, they wanted 200 people or less. They had gotten to this 200 people or less place, which I thought was really weird. It's okay if 200 people get sick? What is that? 400 is bad 200 is good like it's the same environment it's just a larger number so they had an arbitrary 200 number so and then i canceled the other shows too i was like i'm just gonna cancel i'm like i think we should cancel because there was some improv shows that we still had booked i'm like we better cancel

this just just seems too it seemed like a storm was coming it It was. It was changing by the hour. I was in constant negotiations with the comedy store. When that started on that Thursday or Friday, I was still fighting for my Monday. I'm like, that's great. They're allowing $200, then we can do $200. Two hours later, they're like, it's got to be $100. $100. Okay, $100. Then they're like, well, the comedy store is closing indefinitely. I'm like okay 100 and then they're like well the comedy store is closing indefinitely

and I'm like great well how about you just let us shoot in the main room with no audience and some staff and they're like well no at first they're like yes and then they're like no and then I had to renegotiate

because they're like no we're closing the main room to quarantine it and I'm like great we'll stream out of the original room with no staff and no comedians and they're like that's good for literally for like four hours and then i got a call and look we we're closing the entire building we can't can't and i'm and they're like if you want to do the basement you can stream out of the basement i'm like like, we definitely can't do the basement. It's too small. You should have stuffed it in the basement. For the fuck of it.

It would have been a great story. You know, we did. How did we get into the basement? Let me tell you how we got into the basement. We're basically in the basement now over at Better Box Studios. But we ended up doing one in the empty ice house. How cool is that? That ended up being really cool.

We did like a Q&A session in the empty ice house. Very interesting. It was pouring down rain Monday night that's the part that made it like extra creepy I hope the ice house is okay to improv all these clubs we got to do something to really get them juiced up once everything gets rolling again for sure we're gonna have a lot of a a lot of creative juices i wonder what the stipulation is going to be as far as uh what has to take place like what would they it was would it be an effective treatment what would have to be where they would let us do comedy again i wonder what would it be because they have some effective treatments that they're investigating i wonder if that would be

enough to let them if they knew there was a good supply of it. They get it to the hospitals. I don't know. They don't even know if you can catch it twice. They're thinking you might be able to catch it again. It might wear off and then you can catch it again, which is like, what? I sort of am not buying into that.

I think that's another one that the news wants us to think that you can catch it again. Oh, you might be able to catch it again. But it's like a lot of the most recent things that I've read from like health organizations are saying good news. Finally, some good news. And you have to like look deep to find good news now. You have to dig like with a shovel to find good news. like with a shovel to find good news. And literally like most of, and of course a doctor,

doctor, serious doctor, I'll tell you, well, we really don't know. Don't know. Cause that's what professional scientists say until they officially know. But right now,

most professionals are saying you can't get it twice. I think in China they've found a small percentage of people that got it twice. I don't trust anything coming out of China right now. I can't believe you. I don't trust their numbers, their scientists, their news, or their hornets. But surely you're pro-fortune cookie. Absolutely, 100%. Okay.

Those lucky numbers, I take it to the bank. Imagine if China brought over the murder hornets on purpose just to fuck up our bee supply, just to fuck up our economy even further. Could you imagine if we found out these motherfuckers brought over those murder hornets? Imagine if that's the next thing. Like, they're doing some old school Genghis Khan shit. They brought the plague. They're bringing over murder hornets.

Yeah. Imagine. Could be. That's the kind of war that China is involved with in the United States trying to weaken us from within wouldn't it be wild if they're like pay us the money you owe us and we just kept ignoring them

the relationship we have with China right now is more hostile than anything I can ever remember more hostile than we've ever felt with Russia it seems more hostile than it've ever felt with Russia, it seems. More hostile than... It's like as hostile as Iran when we killed that Soleimani dude. It's almost like as hostile with that all the time.

And it's a special kind, right? Because we can't even acknowledge how mad we are at them yet until we have our own thing sort of figured out. Yeah, we don't know shit yet. We don't know where it came from. It's almost like when you're mad at someone but you don't want to make

a big deal of it at the dinner table or something. You want to talk to them one-on-one afterwards. It's like we can't even acknowledge how mad we are at China for this until we have a vaccine. And then we're going to be like, hey, by the way,

what the fuck, dude? You gave everybody the coronavirus. You could have had it taken care of. You did that. They said if they had acted sooner, we could have stopped 95% of its spread. Wow. That is nuts.

Imagine if it didn't start in the lab and everybody accuses it of starting in the lab and the people in the lab are like you fucks we didn't even do this this is just some normal shit just some normal shit that it could have come from this lab but it didn't it came from this fucking market

but imagine the lab is just right there it's right near the market so close yeah what are the odds that a market that has had humans and bats in it for a very long time, all of a sudden, I'm getting lab vibes from this one. Well, how about this? Instead of lab vibes, maybe think about it this way. Maybe, since they're doing these fucking experiments on bats, right? They're doing coronavirus experiments on bats that are coming from the exact same caves as where this disease has originated.

What if someone is selling the bats after they do experiments with them? Yeah. What if someone just says, as long as they cook it, it'll be fine? Someone didn't cook it that good. Yeah. And then they caught Corona from it. Or maybe it's just hanging there. You know, maybe they sold that bat

and it just hung there with all the other bats and that stuff just got in the air and somebody got it next to them. Working in a tight spaced market, all the people breathing and this funky ass experimental bat is hanging from a meat hook. And they're probably like, as long as they make bat soup they're gonna have to boil it it'll be fine

This is $25 with a bat and the one person that bought it liked bat sushi the rest is history Bats are predators right you have to cook those fuckers You know like what? What is a bat worth? How much does it cost to buy a bat to eat? If you had to guess, like U.S. dollars, how much is a bat in a wet market? In U.S. dollars? In U.S. dollars. If you're over there, you've got $100 in your pocket, Tony.

How much do you have left after you buy a bat for dinner? Geez, I would say not much because so much food seems like it would be better than a bat. It seems like a ratty animal, right? Yeah, but if you bought a bat in a restaurant, how much do you think it costs? Well, a restaurant's different. Or a market, I'm sorry. A market, I'm going to say $3. $3 for a bat.

So let's see if we can find this out. What do you think? Do you think it's more or less American? Less. I think it's a dollar. Yeah, probably. I think it's like a dollar American for a bat. They don't look like they're greedy.

That's the other thing. People are like, oh my God, these fucking people, they're so greedy. They're trying to make money selling rats. No, they're really, really poor. They're eating rats. They're eating bats. They're eating roaches. They're eating every fucking thing they can they're eating roaches they're eating every

fucking thing they can eat that's going to give them some protein yeah they're not just eating like canadian geese oh stuffed goose look they got the recipe from vanity fair no they're eating bats bro flying rats can you imagine like if bats were good at all, let's face it, we'd be eating them. I read a terrible story about these two scientists that had decided they wanted to do some studies on these rats that lived in this very particular cave. I believe it was in Africa. And they set up these cameras to photograph these rats, these bats rather, that as the sundown would happen, that's when the bats would start flying out of the caves and they were going to be there to capture it.

Well, what they didn't understand, for whatever fucking reason, is that this is also where the bats defecate. So the bats, as they were flying over, covered them with bat shit. Covered them. And I believe they both died of some sort of a hemorrhagic virus. Yeah. We'll have Jamie find that out next.

That is bat shit crazy. You son of a bitch. Did you know that bat shit comes from the fact that bat shit used to be worth a lot of money? Because the guano, bat guano, is actually really good fertilizer. Oh, wow. Yeah. But I bet bat shit crazy is probably like a disease that you get when you're hanging around all that bat guano. That makes sense.

Because that stuff is valuable. People apparently really used to value it in terms of like using it as fertilizer using it when they're growing plants i just know it's from uh from ace ventura right he tastes it yeah that's right that's a that's an underrated movie go back and watch that movie again especially when you're high it's so ridiculous yeah I've been watching so much shit. It's been so fun that part of it just getting to absorb art I've watched every Adam Sandler mover new movie ever except little Nikki. I didn't watch little Nikki It's when he plays the devil's kid. Yeah, I don't know about that one, but I've watched all of them You watch the one with the remote control. Yes, I watched that one. Click.

Yeah. I watched all of them. Huh. Is that what it's called? Is it called Click? Yeah. Yeah. Happy Gilmore is classic, man.

Dude, classic. So funny. Classic. He's got a lot of classics, man. A lot of them. That one scene, there's something about that one scene where he's talking with Chubbs and he just met Chubbs and this and that.

And he's shooting cans into the trash can and he hits Chubbs' wooden hand out into the street. And Chubbs says, it's all right. Super durable. Made a great wood. So my chub tries to crush it. Destroys me. And then the next scene, it shows Chubbs with missing fingers on his wooden hand. Kills me.

You know, I'm not really that much into comedy movies now that I'm grown up. But one that destroys me at my spinal cord that I don't know when the last time you saw it, but it holds up great. Kingpin. Oh, Kingpin's amazing. Oh, my God. Just the scene when Woody Harrelson's throwing up after he had sex with the lady. Yeah.

Yeah. And Bill Murray at the end, the entire flow of action with his hair and the comb over and how they capture it. Holy shit. It's a Farrelly Brothers movie, right? Yeah. And I did Punch-Up recently on a Farrelly Brothers project, comb over and how they capture it holy shit it's a fairly brothers movie right yeah and i did i did punch up recently on a fairly brothers project and i actually was talking with um with peter

fairly and i go you know because it like came up somehow kingpin came up and i go you know i think bill murray should have been nominated for you, best comedic or supporting or whatever, you know, that category would have been. And he actually goes, you know, it's funny. I've always thought that in the back of my mind and it never happened, but I completely agree with you there. It's one of the greatest comedic performances

anyone that I've ever worked with has done. It really is. Bill Murray's amazing too. I watched Groundhog Day again. I haven't seen that in forever. It's fucking great. It's a great movie. It's really fun. The Farrelly Brothers also made something about Mary.

You know Steve Schripper from The Sopranos? Did you ever work for him when he was a booking guy? He used to book the Riviera. When I worked the Riviera, I used to get the gig through Steve Schripper. Steve Schripper was a friend of mine before he did any acting. Drew Carey got him on the Drew Carey show.

And then one time I worked for him and he's telling me that Drew Carey had him on his TV show. I go, oh, that's fucking awesome. Next thing you know, the fucking Sopranos come out and I'm looking at TV and Steve Schripper's on. I can't remember if I found out. I think I found out beforehand, but I couldn't believe it. When I was watching, I was like, I can't believe that Steve Sharipazan. And he's really fucking good. Really good at that.

Really fucking good actor. That is so weird that you knew that guy like that. I do it when I have a regular job. Him taking care of Uncle Junior on The Sopranos is masterful. He's not that fat, by the way. That's a fat suit. Really? Yeah. They put a big old fat suit on him. He's a huge guy. Wow.

I was there with Steve Schripp. I was working. Some guy lit his cigarette, smoked it, and then put it out on the floor of the carpet in the comedy store, in the comedy room in the Riviera. And I thought Steve Tripp was going to kill this guy. He's screaming at him, pointing at his face.

Pick it up, you fucking slob. That's crazy. The first thing I got here is a, I was trying to find a menu for pricing from a wet market. This is the closest I could get. It's a tweet showing some sort of translation from it. Okay. Photo from the Dobon. What's that word mean?

Dobon of a menu? In Wuhan, Hunan Seafood Market. Don't know when it was taken, but they sell all kinds of wild animals, including, oh, my God, including live wolf pups and palm civets. Holy shit, you can eat a wolf pup. What the fuck, man? Second photo taken after outbreak discovered shows this storefront third left covering the word

for wild in its name. So I was trying to get some sort of translation of what's on there. Koala meat, deer meat. They have live sika deer. That's 6,000, I don't know if it's yen or yuan, Y-U-A-N.

Wow. It's about $850. You can get a live Sitka deer. Crocodile tongue is about $45. That's about $6, $6.50 or so. Wow. Camel meat, $25. Oh, my God.

Bull testicles, $12. I don't know the accuracy of all this translation, but that's what I just found in here. This is what happens when you need to eat, man. You gotta feed a fucking billion people. I will say, though, it also said that the wet markets are not actually that

popular in big cities. There are not even that many people that eat there. So I don't know how prevalent it is there. If it's something maybe in rural areas, I'm not sure. Dude, that's even worse news. Because that means the meat's going to sit around for a while and cook. And it's all just going to funk in the sun. And all the bacteria is going to jump from one fish to one frog to one cockroach.

Scary. And on top of that, if you cough too much, the guys in hazmat suits will drag you away. No one will ever see you again. Crazy. Dude. Like, if you found out that China was taking people that were sick and dragging them away and they were never heard from again, would you believe that? Yeah. Let me ask you this.

Journalists, you know that yeah let me ask you this journalists you know that's true yeah if there's if you complain too much about china they grab you they drag you they drag you yeah they put you in a cell somewhere they take you away happens all the time guys get prison sentences for talking shit about the people in charge. It's a weird place, man. Like this is the people that we have an antagonistic relationship with. Look at all these bats. Rush is even weirder though, because they don't even,

they don't even like hide it. They just keep saying people are falling out of windows in Russia, these doctors. It's like, no, I don't think a doctor fell out of a window, especially three in one week. Yeah, three doctors fell out. Whoops. They're not even trying.

It's like they could make it look like it's a suicide. What do you think the doctors did? I think they... What the heck are they cooking this lizard? How weird is that? Is that snake? I think it's python, yeah. Jesus Christ. They're cooking it with a blowtorch

and then they just give it to you in a bag? Oh, man. Here. Have some python. You know what's weird? Pythons are, they really want to get rid of them. They're a huge problem, particularly in Florida, where they're, oh, my God, those are heads? That's a bad suit.

That's bad heads? Look at the teeth and shit. Yes. Oh, no. Oh, Jesus. What was I just talking about I got thrown off by that that's pythons oh yeah so you can't buy Python skin products anymore but yet they're trying to kill all the pythons in the Everglades like it's actually a resource like if you let people buy python skin in california you would

actually be contributing to getting rid of the pythons that are filling the the whole everglades as a giant problem in that these pythons these wacky people in florida got and then released they've become breeders and they were introduced into this environment that doesn't have any defense mechanisms for them. There's nothing that knows what a python is. They didn't evolve to get away from pythons or deal with pythons. So because of that, everything's getting wiped out, everything. Like they're down to like no raccoons. They have no bunnies anymore.

All the deer are missing. They're starting to eat alligators. They've caught a bunch of them, like huge pythons with alligators inside. They're eating alligators. They've caught a bunch of them. Like huge pythons with alligators inside. They're eating alligators, bro! They're the top of the food chain when it comes to Florida and they're not even from there. So they're eating everything. Wow. And they're huge. They're huge predatory

serpents. And so people are catching them. They're catching these 20 foot long ones just hanging out in the Everglades with a 20 foot long murderous python from another continent. Oh my God. But you can't even buy, like, if you wanted to buy a python jacket, you can't buy that,

you piece of shit. What do you want to use? Python skin? That's exotic, you asshole. But that's getting rid of the pythons if you buy it. Yeah. And also, they're murderous little heartless reptiles you it's okay to have sheepskin but it's not okay to have python that's bananas that doesn't make

any sense like it's okay to eat meat it's okay to wear leather cows seem super peaceful snakes will eat your baby yeah leave your baby in a field with a python you come back you got a fat python and no baby they just eat things they'll eat your baby they don't give a python, you come back, you got a fat python and no baby. They just eat things. They'll eat your baby. They don't give a fuck. They don't say, well, I've got to deal with people. Me and people have a pact. I'm not going to eat them at all.

They make cobra condoms? I think they're thick. I don't think you want that on your dick. That's true. Yeah. I don't even understand their digestive system Like what happens there? I mean it's all the same

It's all just a tube Yeah Where's the heart? On their Florida website about removing pythons There's three ways to do it They tell you Okay Using a captive bolt gun

A bolt gun? A firearm or decapitation. Oh, Jesus. A firearm. Bunch of fucking yeehaws out there in the swamps listening to Leonard Skinner music and shooting shotguns. That actually sounds like fun. That sounds like a new reality show.

Oh, God, does that sound like fun. Yeah, Lizard King. Snake King. Go out there and shoot some snakes. Yeah, they need a fucking snake master, a snake show. That's it. For sure. The most humane way is immediate launch of consciousness and destruction of the brain.

Humane? I'm trying to kill snakes. I'm trying to kill them the best way I can. You can do it any time you want on private lands, it says, with landowner permission. What's interesting is I think if given enough time, they're going to kill everything. And then they're going to run out of food and they're going to die off. Or they're going to start invading the way into cities. They kill kids all the time.

Like when people leave a python in a room with their baby, those horror stories, I've read a bunch of those. The python drops down and kills a baby. horror stories. I've read a bunch of those. The python drops down and kills a baby. I've heard it even like a python comes from a neighboring apartment, drops down through the ceiling and kills a kid. Fuck. Bro.

Bro. Imagine you're getting wrapped up by a python and you see the face coming over your head and you realize what's going on. And it's clamping down on your head and it detaches its jaw and it's spreading around you like oh my god you can't move your arms you think your shoulder's broken you're getting squeezed as it's doing this and it's got his mouth on your fucking head and it's slowly starting to take you into its body i get scared of animals

that like aren't even threatening like i get scared of like squirrels and whatnot if they look at me the wrong way. If they're right next to you in a tree, and some of those things pretend like, because I live right next to a really awesome park, and I run through there almost every day, and some of these squirrels, they're like people squirrels.

I guess they must get fed a lot or something from humans walking by, and they will pretend like they're going to, like they will just get right up in your face. Aggressive squirrel. I got scared at my chair in my hallway the other day. I thought, this is so stupid, but I was coming out of the bathroom. It was the end of the night. And my chair, I have this one extra chair that sort of like moves around the living room.

Anyway, it ended up across the end of the hallway and it was just sort of hanging out. And for some reason it sort of looked like there was like a crazy person like smiling. You thought your chair was a person you got scared? Yes, super scared. Like the type of scared, because I thought it was a person leaning back smiling. And immediately my brain registered that as if there's someone leaning back smiling in your living room you're completely fucked you've got real issues right like my and so my heart it literally like felt like it was like i'm like fuck here goes the next seven minutes did you just watch the joker no you thought some crazy person was in your house

no no i had not just watched the joker but I did watch that. But you're scared of squirrels as well, you were saying? Yeah, I mean, they can be freaky. They can act a fool, you know? You know what it is, I think? I think a lot of people feed squirrels. There's a park in North Hollywood. I remember going

there once and watching this old dude on his back, and he would just lay on his back and pick up peanuts and hold them, and the squirrels would come over and put their hands on his back, and he would just lay on his back and pick up peanuts and hold them, and the squirrels would come over and put their hands on his hand and then take the peanut and run away with it. They did it all the time, and they wouldn't even go that far. They'd go a few feet from him and just start eating their peanut, and then other squirrels would come by,

and they apparently had some sort of a—they'd been doing it so often. People know they could just—as long as you're not making much movement, you look safe and hold it out there, they'll come get it so often people know they could just as long as you're not making much movement you look safe and hold it out there they'll come get it from you but did you see the video of the fucking monkey riding a motorcycle that pulls up and tries to steal a baby unbelievable

if you haven't seen this this is the most 2020 video you will ever see it is 2020 encapsulate it this is how fucking mad the world's gone here's a monkey on a motorcycle that goes zipping up the street bails off the motorcycle and tries to steal a baby my favorite part of it is i i watched it like 20 times in a row and i i love how the guy taking the video from his top story apartment like is laughing it starts and you don't see the monkey and then he sees the monkey on the motorcycle and he starts laughing and he's laughing more as it gets closer and he even laughs one more beat

when the monkey grabs the kid because he's like ha ha you know like he's like here it goes watch here's the monkey on the motorcycle bails and grabs the kid throws the kid to the ground it's a little baby and starts dragging away tries to steal him and then he wants to eat the baby yeah it's like a horror movie at that part dude and that guy runs out chasing after the monkey monkeys will kill you and eat you that's a fact if you're a baby in particular monkey kills 12 day old baby after snatching it from his breastfeeding mother and family home bro where is that at where'd that take place i was trying it just popped up when i was looking for oh my god

what does it say there in india agra yeah oh my god the latest warning sign that primates are being forced into cities to search for food amid environmental destruction. This is November of 2018. No, I know. No, no, no. I'm saying imagine what they're like now. I was going to say because did you see that thing about what's going on in Thailand where there was nobody in the streets? So there was just like hordes of monkeys running through the street that are starving that are used to tourists feeding them oh my god so they're just hordes of monkeys running through

like where the fuck is everybody where's all the food bro it's crazy watch this crazy it's so weird it's so weird and then on top of that rats in new york city rats in new york city there's no restaurants open anymore right so the restaurants are not dropping off the normal amount of garbage, and these rats are accustomed to it. Their whole ecosystem is dependent upon it. Look at this. Starving monkey gangs battle in Thailand as coronavirus keeps tourists away. Look at that. Look at that fucking picture.

Oh, fuck. The streets are filled with monkeys. Dude, if you're a little kid and you go wandering into that, I guarantee you they will kill you and eat you. Guarantee you. If you're a four-year-old kid and you go stumble into that, you're dead. They'll tear you apart. You know, they don't have rules. Such a strange animal.

Like, they're smart and they're sneaky. Like, look at this video. Oh, no social distancing whatsoever. This is rats. Those are like are like rats yeah they're so dangerous like they're not they don't give a fuck about you and they look mean some of them have mean faces because they've been used to other monkeys being mean to them and everything trying to eat them and kill them look at that fucking they tear this one apart. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, no. See, this is the thing about rats now. Rats are cannibalizing each other.

For sure, they're going to kill babies and eat babies. These little crazy monkeys. Oh, people are feeding them? Good. Better keep feeding them. Better feed them poison. Too many of them. See how many monkeys that was?

Yeah. So rats in New York apparently are cannibalizing each other. They're invading other rat territories, taking over and just fighting. There's no fucking food for them. That's great. So we'll know when the next disease happens how it was made, from rats eating each other in New York City. Oh, my God.

Imagine if that's what it is. Imagine if that becomes the big Will Smith movie plot line. Like, this is how I Am Legend 2 begins. The rats eat the other rats, and they get some sort of mad rat disease. Because that's where mad cow disease came from. It came from cows eating cows. Cows being fed cows. Rats eat a bunch of rat brains.

And they evolve. Fuck. Man. In all honesty, I think we got a little too high before the show. Probably. Haven't done it in a while because we went down all the rabbit holes that you go down when you're high. Yeah. Do you know anybody other than Michaelael yo who caught coronavirus no no and it makes me mad because like i it just doesn't feel

that real to me it seems like as many people as i know i should know more and i'm asking people that i know if they know anybody and they don't know anybody. I know a few people. You do? Yeah, I know three, four, five, six, seven. Yeah, Sturgill got it. That's seven. I know a bunch of people that got it. Eight. I know eight. I know eight people that got it.

Do they know how they got it? Just from hanging out or traveling? Michael Yeo got it from New York. He went and flew down after he did my podcast, did Gotham. And I believe he was sick. He's going to tell us next week. I believe he was sick and then he caught corona. I'm pretty sure. And worn out because he was flying.

Probably not much sleep. That's the weird thing to me is because I traveled so much, December, January, and February, pretty much continuously, almost every single weekend, and then obviously back to L.A. Nothing's that short of a flight except for Vancouver at the end of January. And, like, you know, there's a lot of, I have Chinese friends. There was obviously Chinese people on the plane. I helped one lady that was, that seemed sick.

It was like my good deed that I was doing. I was like being a nice guy. She was sitting right next to me and she was sniffling and coughing. And I got on the Wi-Fi on my phone and she basically signaled to me like she pointed at the Wi-Fi signal at the top of my phone and was like pointing at her phone and I'm like all right I'll figure it out but it wasn't an iPhone so I had a lot of trouble and I was touching it more than I wanted to and then I couldn't get on her Wi-Fi and then she pulled out an iPad that wasn't an actual iPad. It was another like whatever Motorola brand or whatever,

you know? And I'm there, I am touching that. And I'm like, fuck, this is not. And she was sick. Yeah.

And it was stupid of me. And again, this is like before Corona was mainstream news in January or whatever. But like, I'm like, God damn it. I just wanted to help this lady real quick. Now it's taken forever.

And I wasn't even able to get her on the Wi-Fi. But I thought to myself when this all came out, I'm like, I probably had it then and just blew through it because I don't really ever get the flu or get sick. My body just gets rid of everything in a few hours normally from all the pasta.

Pasta. Study shows that the more pasta you eat, the better your body fights diseases. People are so mad at you. But then I found out from the test today that I've never had it. Yeah. I thought I had it. Well, everybody thinks they had it. Everybody has this thing.

Oh, yeah, I remember that time. Here's the thing. All those other colds are still around, folks. This is one thing that people have to really pay attention to. I almost hope they don't pay attention to it. I hope there's some sort of a cure and everybody relaxes their grip on fear. Because if they really start paying attention to all the things that are killing all the people all the time, it's a mess out there.

It's a mess. And. It's a mess. And the big one, cigarettes. That's the big one. I was reading something today. Cigarettes might actually kill coronavirus. I'm like, propaganda! Read for madness! I smell a rat.

I smell a rat. Cigarettes might actually cure coronavirus. Nicotine. But there was a whole thing. They were saying that people that smoke cigarettes and people that vape might be more vulnerable. Remember that? I ignore those ones because I vape. So I only read the pro-vaping ones.

But no, there are a few studies, and I read one very early on in this, that say nicotine is of assistance. They're not pro-smoking or pro-vaping, but they are saying... Nicotine itself. Yeah. Like, chew, right? Patches, chew. That stuff gets you high as fuck.

Hell yeah, it does. That was my first buzz ever in my life, and I'll never forget it. I fell on my butt at a 90-degree angle. My legs stayed locked up, and my back was straight i lacked the um the the knowledge of how to keep your dip in one place i'm not good at packing it and keeping it in one place it moves around my mouth and i wound up swallowing a lot of it you swallowed it wouldn't

count the whole thing so bad because i was a wreck and i was like where is he spitting and then you just realized at the same time like like, he was gone. Oh, I swallowed it. Oh, wow. You swallowed, like, the actual tobacco? Yeah, I took a big fucking plug of dip. Did it feel like you were going to throw up after that? No, fortunately. Wow.

Yeah, it was nothing. It was no big deal. I mean, maybe I had, like, a little, like, ugh, it feels weird. But it's just plant matter. My body just digested it. Plant matter is one way of putting it. I think a lot of people would probably throw up. I was wondering if I was going to get extra high.

Yeah. Because that's the thing about, I remember the first time I ever smoked cigar, I was like, oh, you get high from this. You guys are just on a different high. You're on a high where you could definitely drive. You definitely talk normal yeah but it's like um it's pleasurable like the tobacco like pipe smoking or cigar smoking high it's very pleasurable fuck yeah it is i mean cigarettes are my favorite thing i've ever done in my life it's been two years since i had one but i can say without any hesitation, it is my favorite thing.

If I ever find out I have a month or two to live, I'm fucking, oh. You're gonna start smoking it. Oh, I'm gonna smoke continuously. I won't even breathe normal air. I remember when Patrick Swayze was dying of pancreatic cancer. Hell yeah. And he kept smoking, and people were like,

it's almost like they're mad at him. Like, why would you do that when you're dying of cancer? Yeah. Well, why wouldn't you do it

when you're dying of cancer? That's the time when you should smoke. Damn right. You should have smoked up until the time you got cancer, but now that you got cancer, smoke them if you got them,

Pat. Fuck yeah, man. Coffee and a cigarette. How many cigars Michael Jordan's smoking during that last dance throughout the height of the 90s in his career smoked a lot of all of the time constantly I know you're not a big basketball guy, but have you been watching that at all? No, I heard it's amazing though

Yeah, that's one where I literally thought of you during this last one and I'm like I know Joe isn't watching this because of basketball, but you would fucking love it because Joe isn't watching this because of basketball but you would fucking love it because especially this last one their coach Phil Jackson and his brain and the way he can motivate people I mean it is fucking shocking

never out of everything I've ever watched have I paused something and just thought about it for a few minutes and then hit play again and rewind again on a documentary. It's insane. Well, he's a super winner. Yep.

Those are always really interesting. Anyone who's that driven to be such a winner. You stand out amongst winners as being so exceptional. Who's the GOAT? Michael Jordan is always the first pick. There's wonder. How would LeBron? How would this, that? But everybody always says Michael Jordan is always the first pick. There's wonder, like how would LeBron, how would this, that, but everybody always says Michael Jordan. To be that much of a super winner,

you think about all the people that are playing basketball, all the people that are around him that are world-class athletes, professional athletes, and he stands out amongst them. He's so wildly competitive that he will beat you in your own game. He will ask you what you're playing. If you were playing with something, you'd go, what is that? And he will immediately start. And his only goal is to beat you at what you love and what you think you're good at.

Whatever it is. So it just happens to be the basketball is the one that he chose. But also then he got that way with shoes. He's like, all right, well, if I'm going to sign a fucking shoe deal, then I'm going to do this the right way. Doesn't he do that with golf too? Isn't he really into gambling with golf? Everything.

They throw coins against a wall and he's gambling with the security guards. And he can't wait to take their money. He cannot wait. He's talking shit to these guys that are protecting him that is so crazy in a so crazy game where you throw try to get the closest to the wall with a quarter he used to have a celebrity uh pool tournament in chicago wow yeah he had a pool tournament that he did all the time like a charity pool tournament and i heard if you beat him at pool he hates you yeah that sounds about right

everything that I'm gathering from this documentary is that if you're a super soup I mean I mean not just a regular winner but just a super winner he's so off the charts as far as like to be that kind of an Achiever you have to have a madness about you that's probably intolerable for most people. Just the desire to win, conquer. In other days, man, those were gladiators. In other days, those were generals. There's a lot of people that get into pro sports that it's really, in a lot of ways, it moves them away from war in the best way that we know how possible. But if we didn't have those, if there was no sports and people just conquered each other, those would be the kings of the world. The football players, that Thor guy who just deadlifted the world record, the Game of Thrones guy.

Yeah. Do you see that shit? Oh, yeah. Deadlifted 1,100 and something pounds, barefoot, looking barely like the same thing as you and I. Right. Like, what is that? That's a person? That's a person too?

Okay. What? Crazy. So Bobby Lee's a person. And that Thor guy's a person too. They're the same thing? Yeah. The same thing.

Wow. Yeah. How same thing. Wow. Yeah. How the fuck? It's unbelievable. Did you watch the video of him lifting it? Let's see what he got. Oh, the video of Tyson too? Yeah.

That's crazy. Tyson apparently has decided that he wants to box in some charity boxing matches, so he put up some video of him hitting the pads. Oh my God. Please tell me Evander Holyfield didn't say that he wants to fight. Yeah. Oh, my God. Look at this.

Are you ready? The moment you've all been waiting for. The champ is back. I'd like to announce I'll be making a comeback to the ring. I'm training to promote a charity that's very close to me. Our Unite for Our Fight campaign aims to fill the void the pandemic has created on access to resources our youth needs for emotional development and education you imagine if mike tyson and evander holyfield have a third fight when they're in their 50s wow even if it's for charity even if it's for

charity it might be that's what it's sounding like. Holy shit, you're right. That is exactly what it's sounding like. Look at the size of his traps. How ridiculous are those? They go right to his shoulders. Hold on. Go to that picture again. His traps are ridiculous.

Just look at that. Look at his traps. Wow. They just go straight to his shoulder. his traps they just go straight to his shoulder evander holyfield was the first guy in modern boxing who employed like a really rigorous weightlifting regime that allowed him to successfully go up well michael spinks did it too when he beat larry holmes but then he got destroyed by tyson i mean he was really a light heavyweight that used his movement to outbox Larry Holmes when Larry Holmes was sort of getting close to the twilight of his career.

But that wasn't the case with Evander. Evander became a heavyweight. He was the cruiserweight champ, and he was like a slim guy when he fought Dwight Muhammad Kawee. And then when he went to be a heavyweight, he thickened up, man. He bulked up, like purposely bulked up, had some amazing strength and conditioning videos that they showed of all the different shit that he was doing, preparing.

The way the guy worked out was insane. It came up in the Jordan documentary, too. He was like maybe 200 pounds for the first couple years of his career and then bulked up to 215, solid muscle. Yeah, I heard it was after playing the Pistons. They were real physical. His trainer, he said, would go back after every game and count the number of steps he took with each foot

and the direction he was taking so he would know how tired he should be and what he should be doing for him the next day and whatnot. Oh, my gosh. So he had left foot, right foot. Left foot is back, right foot is forward. He would play, which they don't do today. He played in all 82 games. He was rarely ever hurt because he knew that people were coming,

which was true, to see him play. And if he didn't give them that performance, he felt like he was cheating everyone. And every time he would play anyone for the first time, he needed to show like he could never, ever let anyone, ever make them feel like they got one over on him. So not only each game for the audience that are seeing him for the first time in which he needs to dominate, but especially towards his opponent who literally thinks that maybe maybe today will be my lucky day you know i'm going up against jordan this is you know it's the middle of the season he'll probably he's not gonna he puts up

60 points or whatever in your face like embarrasses you you fall on the ground he crosses you over he does everything that you know you get embarrassed he would try to make a fool out of these people i remember the first time i saw a photo of him it looked like he had leapt from center court flying through the air to dunk and i'm like how does a human even do that yeah how does a 200 plus pound human fly through the air like that? And even towards the end of his career, they just showed one where it's the all-star game. So he got to go up against Kobe Bryant for the first time because they're in two different conferences that don't normally play.

And Kobe's this 18-year-old that just went straight from high school to the NBA, completely dominating his side of things going up against jordan for the first time ever and everybody on kobe's side is saying you know kobe asked us to let him have jordan and jordan's on his side they have actual footage that's what's crazy about this documentary is that somehow this fucking camera crew jordan let them come along in the ride in this green room for all this crazy exclusive content. And he's saying to the guys, he goes, you guys all know this is in the, not the green room, but the locker room before you guys, you guys all know this kid's coming

after me, right? Like he's going to want me. So let me have them, blah, blah, blah, blah. Cause he wants to show the kid. And sure enough, even though Kobe's 18 and peak, peak, peak physical condition, Jordan wins the MVP of that All-Star game, crushing it against a young Kobe Bryant. Well, how crazy was he? He decided in the middle of all that, I'm just going to play baseball. Yeah. I'm just going to be the best at baseball. That comes up.

They go deep into it, which is interesting, how the media in not a social media time period was fucking hammering him. Because they built him up to be this young guy out of North Carolina, Olympic superstar, literally scored more points than anybody's ever scored as a rookie in the NBA. All this attention. And now he's the man. And they started beating him down with some of the gambling stuff he was doing. It got leaked out and then just added attention he's like you know fuck this I'm gonna quit I'm out Wow because of all the negative attention

so they said interesting makes sense well that's what happens when you become that guy there's so much interest like to to be that guy first of all you have to have a fire burning inside you like most people will never be able to comprehend. And a guy like that's going to be into other kinds of wild shit too, like gambling. He's going to want to have thrills. He's going to drive fast cars. He's a wild man. A wild man at the peak of like one of the most – I mean if you think about professional basketball,

you watch an NBA game and all the thought that's involved in which way you're going and the ability to explode and then the ability to, in the middle of all that, land a precision shot into a hole. There's really not another sport like that. I mean, baseball is you're trying to hit something that's coming at you like crazy. You're swinging as fast as you can. And there's a lot of skill to that as well, obviously, and there's a lot of skill to pitching. But there's something unique about basketball in that in all this chaos, you've got to find stillness.

In all this chaos, you've got to find the ability to stop and throw a perfect shot off. So it's not just incredible physical ability. It's incredible physical ability and then touch. It's real weird. It's a very interesting sport in that way. It requires you to have your shit together. To execute that shot, you have to have your shit together.

And you have to have mad practice. One of the things that I used to love about growing up in Boston was Larry Bird stories. Larry Bird was apparently just an insanely disciplined professional basketball player. He would get there and practice before everybody, stay after everybody, practice things left and right. And when they would have those three-point competitions, remember we would have those all-star three-point competitions,

in the locker room he would just be like, which one of you guys is coming in second? That's what he would do just walk in they all knew but it was just because he first of all he could execute under pressure and two he was just better he could do things better than most people and even

he said sometimes he thought it was God pretended to be Michael Jordan yeah that's how good Michael Jordan was. Every single legend is completely, they have such good interviews with everybody. Imagine, they have such great stories.

It's crazy how, you know, I've always said, a documentary has the potential to destroy, to be better than any other type of story, it be a movie or a book because if it's unbelievable it's like the tiger king if it's fucking amazing and it's real you can't beat it you can't beat it and uh that's what the last dance is doing it's crazy i don't know if you have a uh a vpn or not but you can reset on Netflix. It's on the world. So you can watch it. Yeah.

If you set your location, you can watch it without commercials. Yeah, ExpressVPN is one of my sponsors. Yep. They show you how to do it. Yep, ours too. So where are you getting it from? I just, I go to my ExpressVPN

and I set my location for somewhere else. Where do you set it for? Usually, I don't know, Germany or Switzerland or whatever. You just openly say that on the internet. Yeah. You're faking it. Yeah.

And then I go on Netflix and no commercials. Just binge it. Why don't they have it on Netflix here? It's ESPN Netflix co-presentation type thing. It's literally such a great documentary that they had to work their own first ever super deal. ESPN and Netflix. Does ESPN Plus have it on their app? Okay, I have that.

It's supposedly not even done yet. I heard they're still editing the final episode or whatever. They had to rush it out. Yeah, I don't. It's interesting because do you want to be that guy? First of all, you probably can't. But second of all, even if you could, do you want to be that guy? Do you want to be so driven and obsessed, maniacal in it?

I don't know. It's a good question. I think he's pretty happy. Oh, he's pretty fucking amazing. Don't get me wrong. But I'm saying, first of all, you wouldn't be that guy. It's a special fire that burns in that guy that most people just do not have. You don't have it.

Right. But would you trade it would you trade would you want to be the obsessed winner is it too much pressure it's too weird to want to be that person who just wins wins wins wins just dunking on people the his logo is him flying through the air ready to dunk on people. There's a lot of times he was doing things specifically to shit on the general manager that was like, and control the team. Oh my God. They'd like bring in a new player and be like, oh, watch what we're about to do to this fucking guy. You think that, and he was just, they'd shit on him, all the bullying they said. He's this little guy, Jerry Krause.

And they really fucking bully him. And that's coming from me. And I look at the way that he insults this GM is ruthless. It is insane. It's a ruthless man. It is not even funny. But if you want to make money off that guy, that's what you want. You want a guy who is not rational about it.

He's just insane. But then again, okay, then you get a guy like wayne gretzky it's like arguably one of the best hockey players of all time yet almost universally treated as like a really nice guy yeah well he's canadian oh that's what it is we don't count those kind in the nice department. Did you see that Canada banned assault weapons? They banned all assault weapons. There's like a two-year grace period.

You got like two years, then you got to turn in your AR-15s. That is not making the gun people here happy. Very, very upset. And people are pointing something out, too. This was a video of a Canadian sheriff discussing it. And he said, out of all the shootings that I've ever been a part of where there's illegal activity like that and horrible crimes that are being committed, he goes, it's never with a licensed gun owner. These aren't licensed gun owners. These are people that got these guns. They're going to get these guns illegally anyway.

Just because they're not legal doesn't mean they're not going to do an illegal thing. They don't need a legal gun to do an illegal thing. And if you think that all you're going to do is make it more difficult and more money for the gun runners, for sure it's going to be something where it's more risky for them, but it's also going to be more profitable. It's going to be hard to get a gun over there. But people are still going to do it. They bring coke in from South America.

They're going to bring guns into Canada. it's going to happen but only the criminals are going to have them now yeah getting an illegal assault weapon is the nicest thing anybody getting an assault weapons doing yes exactly perfectly put that's exactly what it is it's just um i wish there was a world where we didn't need guns. I wish, for sure. But that's not this world. It doesn't mean you don't love people. It just means you've got to look at things practically.

You can't look at things the way you want them to be. You've got to look at things the way they are. The way they are is there's more guns than there are people. And to say you can't have a gun anymore, it's like, okay, well, who gets to have a gun? And who's going to take the guns away? And what are we going to do about the Constitution? And why? Can we vote on this?

Or should this be a part of the Bill of Rights where this is how we are and this is how this country was established? These are the things we agree on. We don't want to vote on whether or not we have free speech. We need free speech. Should we vote on whether or not we have the Second Amendment? Some people say no. Some people say what we're dealing with is a mental health problem. We're not dealing with a gun problem.

The gun problem is that the mentally ill people get the guns. It's not a gun problem. And there's a lot of people that want to have guns to protect themselves from mentally ill people that are violent. And it's also the news. Again, a lot of this goes back to news for me and them glorifying these people this is what they say you know what i mean they know they're going to get the coverage they know that their name's going to get out there yeah it's not it's not acceptable if we didn't do that then they wouldn't do that much more to me than the guns.

If we take away the guns, if we have the guns, if we cover it differently, things will be different. Without a doubt. It's true, but people want to know what the name of the guy who shot up the school is. They don't get to know. They broadcast it. People find it online. I don't think they should.

Why would that be necessary? I don't know, man. I think it's just one of those things about human nature. If there was a video of Tom Cruise falling off the back of a plane, Find it online. I don't think they should. Why would that be necessary? I don't know, man. I think it's just one of those things about human nature. Like if there was a video of Tom Cruise falling off the back of a plane, you would watch it. If he fell to his death, you'd watch that video, wouldn't you? Well, yeah. If it leaks, yeah. I think it's kind of along the same lines.

Does that make sense? Yeah, but I think that the government could help with that if they're going to before i think before restricting guns i think they could step in and and then maybe run it by some psychiatrists and scientists and whatnot and see what they think about the media part of a crime because again i mean like these people want to be legends they want to be it certainly has an effect it certainly has an effect you know i watched this uh this hitler documentary and it talked about how ava braun this applies to what we're talking about if i mentioned

applies to what we're talking about if i mentioned ava braun didn't have to go to the bunker to die with hitler and this person said that she did it because she knew that by doing that against hitler's wishes that she would inevitably die with hitler and therefore because she was kept behind the scenes and on the back burner so much become a bigger part of history so she could have decided to live a normal life maybe get prosecuted later or whatever but sort of live or go to prison or whatever or go to the bunker and die with hitler and be part of history forever and be represented as the woman that was with hitler have you ever paid attention to all of the information that's out there about how many Nazis fled Germany and went to South America? Yep.

Dude. Tim Kennedy used to have a show called, was it Finding Hitler? I've seen it. Yep. I've watched all those. Hunting Hitler? They were operating under this premise. The premise was Hitler never died in Germany.

He was snuck out of the country in a submarine or some shit, and they brought him to South America. Well, you know, there's no real evidence that that's true, but what there is evidence is a lot of fucking people that live in South America used to be Nazis, including, like, Kennedy. He was on the show, and he was talking about finding these people, going into their homes, and they have pictures of Nazi soldiers, like, lovingly framed on their wall like this is

grandpa back in fucking buchenhoff or wherever those places are yeah auschwitz what is it what is the uh buchenwald is that how you say it which one buchenwald buchenfeld everybody always remembers auschwitz yeah but i mean imagine going into someone's house and you see a Nazi guard on the wall with an SS on his sleeve. And you're like, holy shit. Yeah. This is a Nazi officer. And this is your grandpa? And then you realize, like, oh, my God, this community.

I mean, they have Oktoberfest there where they're all German and they're all drinking beer and wearing lederhosen and shit. It's wild how many times Germany almost won that. Like a few different little tweaks of decisions and they win that war. Well, they're being led by a madman. Yeah. I mean, he was doing things that they didn't expect. One of the things that I had read about Russia was when they had invaded Russia, they knew that they were coming, but they estimated it was going to take a certain amount of time.

But they didn't think they were going to march 24 hours. They were not going to sleep. They didn't take any rest. They just took speed. So they got there earlier than anybody expected. Yeah. earlier than anybody expected yeah and also while going through france they went through uh they went through the forest instead of the plains they were waiting for them on both sides of the openings and they just fucking took their tanks and went right through just found a way to trudge

through the forest and trees build their own path and they snuck up behind both of the other sides of their other armies. God. It was wild. Can you imagine the horror of experiencing that during World War II where you were getting your newspapers, that's all you're getting for information, right? Back then, World War II, I mean, how much stuff was on television? Very few things on television, right?

They had radio, though. They had radio you get you'd get your radio reports from the front lines in nazi germany and you would get that kind of stuff and that that's how your your vision of the world would be and you imagine if you're over there and you see them coming through the forest with tanks you're like holy shit they're real and here they come and the same thing then was that the news was bullshit you know what i mean they're feeding their people what they a want to hear and b will come back to hear more of and c make them feel good about what's happening one of the things things that I saw was a commercial, well, not really, it's like a report, but it was also a commercial basically for their military, for the German military. It's two German soldiers in a bunker talking and they go,

I can't wait to get back to my wife. Yeah, I know. I'm going to get back to my wife. They're speaking German, but it's being translated. In the end, the guy goes, I know I'm going to get back to my wife. They're speaking German, but it's being translated. In the end, the guy goes, yeah, you know what? To be honest with you, I think the Russians are more scared of us than ever. And they're more scared of us than we are of them. That's for sure. And that was released like the week or two before the end.

When the Russians are literally in Berlin, like they're coming in full of hundreds, thousands of tanks and all of this, you know, all of this war material, they're about to hit the center of Germany. And they're still Germany's playing that on their radios and on their TVs or whatever. Every that's what's out there is literally, I think the Russians are more afraid of us than we are of them. Meanwhile, is literally, I think the Russians are more afraid of us than we are of them. Meanwhile, Germany was done. They were crippled. At that point, they have their Hitler youth as their last stand in the city.

Children. Children. Firing weapons for the first time. Bazookas. Little kids firing fucking bazookas into the street against some Russian tank by a professional Russian tank soldier. Blowing everything up. What's really crazy is that wasn't that long ago. Right.

It wasn't even 100 years ago. Yeah. There's people that survived that that are alive right now. There's one guy. He survived World War II, and he survived COVID. Wow. Yikes. They don't make people like that anymore.

That's, I mean, when people think about war today, they only think about things that are happening somewhere else that are very small scale, like the war in Iraq, the war in Afghanistan. That's our perspective for most people's lives. Most people don't remember Vietnam. They definitely, probably most people don't really remember the experience of having someone fight in World War II that you loved. Some people maybe remember Korea. But our experience of war is almost, unless you're

a soldier who's served overseas, our experience is almost like abstract, right? Like we know it happens, but it's just one of those things that's over there, sort of like pandemics. Like we know it happens, but it's just, it it's rare we don't have to worry about it right now but now we do that's how i feel about war like if it breaks out if if war breaks out with china and all of a sudden there's like legitimate attacks on cities and we're like holy shit like we didn't think this was real right we didn't think that this was a real possibility. But all this time, maybe that's why when people like Obama get in office and they have a different perspective on the campaign trail than they do once they actually get in office, maybe they're presented

with how many moving pieces are on the table and how all this can go wrong at any time and how this nation is trying to do this to this nation this nation has nukes and this and they're trying to get to us and this is how they're doing it and then we found that they're listening to our bathrooms and they've got devices here we found a new spy and like fuck man yeah dude war is a crazy thing. I remember how bad everybody, a lot of people were excited to go to war after nine 11, you know, and they built that storyline around it and everything.

Well, we were also excited in, in some ways because we just got through operation desert storm. And that was a big hit for, you know, if that was, um, if we were a band,

that was our stairway to heaven, right? Right. Such fucking giant hit. I mean, we lost one Scud missile hit one barracks and killed a bunch of people, but that's it. Most of it was just a decimation, right? A destruction by the American troops. So I think in some ways we might have had it in our head,

this is something we're going to do like we did in Desert Storm. Just wipe them out real quick and that'll be over. But fuck, here we are, the longest war ever in the history of the country. And we don't get out. We're still in it. And there's arguments that we should stay in it. And some of them are good arguments. And you're like, fuck.

Like, is that what the world we're dealing with is? Like we were talking about before before when it comes to people. There's so many things that's not, there's not one real clear answer of what you do that's going to determine the best future for everybody. And you could listen to these experts tell you, you can listen to an expert tells you we don't want to be the policemen of the world. We need to get out of everywhere now and concentrate on our own domestic issues and just use policy and diplomacy to deal with the rest of the world. We need to get out of everywhere now and concentrate on our own domestic issues and just use policy and diplomacy to deal with the rest of the world. And then there's other people that say they will blow us the fuck up. We have to monitor them. We have to keep an eye on them. There's a real hatred of the United. First of all, maybe some of it earned some of the shit we did in the past. Maybe there's some shady shit that's going on that you don't know about. But the

bottom line is we're going to need to keep these bases. We need to keep this military presence. And we don't want to go to war, but trust us. You're like, fuck. Isn't it wild that Sweden's been able to avoid all this the whole time? What started out as basically Vikings, right? Right. Iceland, too, right? They're not invading anybody anymore.

No. They're neutral. They stayed in. They were able to avoid World War II. They just figured out how to do strongman contests and appease those fucking gorillas. Yeah, get it out of your system. Lift some weights. So many of the strongmen come from Iceland.

You know that? Yeah. There was a Vice documentary on it. They showed all these gigantic dudes. I'm like, oh, look, Vikings. Giants. Imagine that giant with a battle axe storming through your fucking neighborhood.

That's where the Nordic track came from. Every now and then you miss. You're really good at this. Some puns. Nordic track, right? Remember that thing? Is that still a thing? Yeah, I think so.

You do cross country. Nobody ever used those. Right. Out of all of the exercise equipment that nobody ever used, that was number one. Was that the Chuck Norris one? I think it was. No. Chuck Norris one was the total body system.

Remember that one where his cables and he's going, he pulls them down, his body goes up and goes down and up. What was that called? Was it called total body system? It was him and Christie Brinkley, right? Total body gym, I think, or something like that. One of them things. Total body something.

Him and Christie Brinkley hanging on, still sexy at an elevated age. So that was like the hook. Like, I want to be like them. They still got it. Christie still got it. Chuck Norris still got it. Wasn't it Christie Br brinkley am i imagining that i think you're right i'm deep into the history of the nordic track right now

it used to be it started off called the nordic jock which is uh i was trying to see where that was just insulting this is gross yeah the nordic jock The Nordic jock. Total body gym. Yeah, total gym. I don't know. And then it gets... All these companies have made similar things with each other. But the one with Chuck Norris and...

I thought it would come up. Hmm. I'm pretty sure it was Chuck Norris and Christy Brinkley. Just two hotties hanging on. Hell yeah. She's hung on better than anybody, right? If you have to give the crown to... Yeah, there it is.

Chuck Norris, looking good. Oh, Olivia Newton-John was in it, too. Oh, there she is. Oh, and Christy Brinkley. They got everybody. All these hotties that are hanging on to it. That's what they got. And back then, she probably was only like 40.

That's what she used it for 14 years. Hell yeah, she did. And it works. Look at her. But like out of all the people that are hanging in there, no one's hanging in there as good as Chrissy Brinkley. I think she's 65. Wow.

Yeah. How about J-Lo? 50. There's a great meme that shows J-Lo. What? 66. 66, Christy Brinkley. Wow.

Wow. When we were kids, 66 was a dead person. Yeah. You're dying. You're going to die any moment now. You're not supposed to be hot. How are you pulling hot off? How do they do that?

There's a picture of J-Lo. Look at that. That's her on a boat at that 65 that's her on a boat at 65 jesus fucking louises wow that's crazy like she's in the sun right she's not in some crazy studio somewhere that's me sitting next to her you can't tell in that picture but her body's amazing i guess it's one of those things if you you just refuse, if you just Michael Jordan, the fuck out of your looks. Yeah. With just regular gym and eating right.

And just hang in there. Damn. Like Tom Cruise on the side of that airplane. Yeah. Hang in there. Look, see do. Do you think you're going to hang in there like that?

Probably not. I mean, I'm made of pasta and tobacco, so probably not. I think squirrels are going to kill me. I see smiling chairs. Look at her butt. 65. 65-year-old butt? How's that even possible?

Oh my god. That's insanity. She's got a perfect body. She's not hiding. There's nowhere to hide. That's not her in a dress. And if you saw her naked, she'd be disgusting. No, she looks amazing. Wow, that is some beautiful aged beef. And that's probably what inspired Adele.

Get her fucking shit together. That's it. The 65-year-old lady's out there looking hot. Why can't I do it? Well, you can. You can. She stopped rolling in the deep dish. And on that note let's wrap this up

Tony Henscliff always a pleasure my brother thank you sir great to be here great to be out and about kill Tony still streaming Mondays YouTube you just doing a modified version of it yeah it's a mellow modern version of it

I'm also starting also starting a uh a roast i'm doing a roast school i made a fake master class video i saw that yeah and uh i got uh i got hit up by the my bookie people who wanted to make it a real thing so i'm doing a real roast master class on um i think that's going to be on my patreon coming soon that actually sounds like a great tool for people that like are tired of being picked on yeah i can teach i'm going to show people i mean it's you know it's a goof i'm taking myself way too seriously in it i've already shot one and uh i am um i'm showing them how i go through the process like i'm going to like I'm going to like it

I'm gonna have you know I'm gonna first I'm reviewing other roasts that I've done and I'm hitting pause and I'm showing them like how I came up with that And how to kill your babies and write new stuff right before and this and that and how to change things based on what people Are wearing or they're explaining kill your babies like when you have bits you don't like right I'm loose Yeah, people like what yeah, Tony Hinchcliffe advocates killing baby exactly. Yeah, there's a whole bunch of terms wearing or their appearance. We should explain kill your babies. Like when you have bits you don't like, I cut them loose. People are like, what? Tony Hinchcliffe advocates killing babies. Exactly. There's a whole bunch of terms and everything. That's a great term though, isn't it?

Yeah. And also I'm showing people how to put on their own roast with like their family or coworkers and how to book it and how to get help writing and how to set it up. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah. And so when will that be available? That actually starts next week really patreon.com slash hinchcliffe um okay so and can is all that linked on your

instagram or your twitter it's about to be i have all this stuff i just haven't uh released it yet and everything's tony hinchcliffe right instagram twitter all that stuff yeah all right thank you my brother always good to see you always fun thank you bye everybody that was fun brother thank you so much fun