The Joe Rogan Experience - #150 - Bryan Callen (Part 1)

Episode Date: October 24, 2011

Joe sits down with Bryan Callen.

We're ready to get shit crackin'. We're gonna break it down. We're gonna break it down. It's all gonna make sense today. Brian Cowens here. My brother. My brother! Happy to be here.

Always good to see you, my friend. Excited. Thank you to whoever gave me this this weekend at the Ice House. Some dude gave me Hunter S. Thompson's The Rum Diary, a nice paperback. Just wanted to thank that guy. Did his share of drugs. Yeah, you think? His share of psychedelics.

Have you done your share yet? No. Not yet. Just mushrooms. I took a four-hour shower on mushrooms once. Nice. And then I was hiking in Big Whiskey Mountain on mushrooms with my buddy. We decided to take a back route, which you never do.

I was climbing up a landslide. That's smart. was like to my buddy i go dude he goes what i go you got to move with the mountain you're not moving with the mountain and he's like okay he's a real mountain man so he's climbing i go still not moving the mountain okay i'm gonna stay here and talk to this rock and i had to have a conversation with the rock and then as he tells it we're on top of whiskey mountain which is a very big mountain okay luckily it was in the summer as well as with i was dating, it was in the summer. I was dating Patty back in the day, and they were waiting downstairs. And he turns back around, and I'm not wearing any clothes.

And I mean no clothes. And I'm on top of a mountain that takes a really long time to climb up, and I'm naked. What did you do with the clothes? We never found my clothes. Oh, no. But I did stop and eat a lot of blueberries. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

And by the time we... I also took a shit squatting. And then as I was doing that naked, my buddy moved some branches, pretending it was a bear. And it jumped up and started to run. And that caused a problem. And then I came back down the mountain all scratched up. No clothes. And I kept stop and eat blueberries my buddy was like you stop eating blueberries I had a blue mouth a shit you walked you walked

barefoot that's right that's right my feet were all cut up my skin was all gonna take I don't know a day and uh literally literally probably four hours or something like that did you sober up at any point during the walk yeah when I when I finally got down, I had a blue mouth from eating blueberries and I was all cut up and Patty was like, what are you doing? I was like, I need to dip my ass in the lake. I have shit ass. Because I couldn't wipe it. So

yet another one of my shit stories. Thank you. So she was like, wow, that's attractive. You're my man. I'll take the skinny guy with the blue mouth and the shit in his ass. Who's coming down off mushrooms. So that was my, wow, that's attractive. You're my man. I'll take the skinny guy with the blue mouth and the shit in his ass. Who's coming down off mushrooms. So that was my experience with mushrooms. How much did you take?

Dude, my buddy gave me just a handful. Just a big handful. He goes, eat them. I was like, okay. I want to have an experience. You got to eat them on an empty stomach. I hadn't eaten, of course. That's really good.

And we're climbing, man. And i just started literally just hallucinating you're better off that you didn't eat anything if you had eaten something you'd probably throw up really bad i took a shower one time i wouldn't get out of the shower patty was banging on the door i was like i'll be there i'm trying to figure something out and then no it's hard to explain but i believe i kept seeing my profile and the first thing I was like is I kept saying, oh, fuck, I wish I was barrel-chested. I'm not barrel-chested. My grandfather's barrel-chested.

I'm not barrel-chested. I have a sunken chest. This is horseshit. And I was like, that's a terrible profile. So then I resolved, I resolved while I was in the shower to just spend the entire summer on a bench press. I was going to hire a coach just to bench, which that never happened. And then I came out of the shower.

And then I had this experience of somebody standing, like watching me and judging me. And I felt like it was the devil telling me that I was a phony. So I was like, I'm a phony. I'm a skinny phony. Why did you think it was the devil? I don't fucking know. I just felt like that's what it was. Because it was so mean?

It was just the truth and so mean. I was so raw. I came out like a fucking... It was probably really God was because it was so mean it was just the truth and so mean i was so raw i came out it's probably really god maybe it was maybe it was it just felt like the devil because he didn't want to didn't want to admit the truth exactly that's what the that's what the bad trips are that is bro i i can always tell people you can just see it's so interesting to watch how people like i was thinking about this the other day how people basically as adults like i would call it adulthood and what they call maturity is the slow acceptance of what you will never be that's kind of what it is so what happens is you start so interesting i was i was you see little girls dressed like princesses right and and that's their ideal they grow up these ideals we we stick these ideals in children like you're going to marry a prince, and he's going to be Prince Charming.

And that shit gets whittled away. You start settling for simulation and simulation. It's basically your life becomes, I'll take what I can get. And until finally you're dating some guy with hair in his ears and a pot belly, well, at least he pays the fucking bills. Which is what I like to get them, by the way. I like to get them when they're just going through a divorce, had their heart broken 200, 300 times, they're 40,

they work out way too much. That anger and frustration is combined into this fucking, what creates like a freaky that I can really work with. In a hotel room. The 39-year-old crazy ones. Oh, my favorite. Starving for attention. Is that what you like?

Really? Yes. Look at my ass. I work out all the time. That's fantastic. Look at my ass. I work out all the time. That's fantastic. I like them old. Not even old. Old.

That's young for me. So you're coming down the hill. You're totally naked. You're high as a kite on mushrooms. Do you at any point realize, like, are you starting to sober up at any point in time? What's happening as you're sobering up? What was happening as I was sobering up and because i'm such a freak is i had read a lot about how when you can be on a mountain in the summer a winter storm can brew up right they

can whip up you can get caught in hail storms you can freeze to death actually sometimes you know and so uh i was like i was like i gotta fuck, and I'd read about K2, and I don't know if you ever read about climbing K2. It's one thing to climb Mount Everest. It's quite another thing to climb K2. Really? I believe there's only one side of K2 one can climb, and for a while, I believe,

and you can check this on Fact Check, one in four people wouldn't make it on K2. People died all the time because storms. One in four people wouldn't make it, like wouldn2 people died all the time because one in four people wouldn't make it like wouldn't survive can you do fact check because i believe that was the case for quite a while jesus christ and so what happened was it was the holy grail of mountains still is because uh because um what happens is storms whip up really fucking fast like really fast and uh and you die yeah so so what happened was i um i started thinking a storm might whip up and i suck in the cold whoa what does it say on fact check um it's just talking

about uh there was uh there's been a bunch of disasters up there oh a lot of people have died on k2 yeah you don't climb k2 very few people climb when you meet a mountain climber and they say i got to the top of k2 that dude is on the all-star team wow that's a very rare dude and you have to go through pakistan i think on the pakistan side what yeah no bodies and you you pass bodies all the time you know it's hilarious the united states just got word from afghanistan that if we go to war with pakistan afghanistan is on pak Pakistan's side what a surprise but how hilarious is that out of all the fucking

all the bullshit propaganda pretending that we're helping those people we're come on we're on your side we're bribing listen

we're extracting minerals blah blah blah taking heroin but we're here for you we're bribing fucking entire tribes to have loyalty to like Kabul

well do you know how they're getting information on these guys? You know the number one method for these warlords? No. Viagra. Oh, that's right. I read about that.

That's right. Hey, hey, hey. I know you have all these loyalties. You want to hard on for a long time? Of course I do. Yeah, well, these guys, these warlords, they start hitting 50 and 60, and you're fucking herding goats all day.

You're tired, man. You can't take to those 20 wives that you've accumulated you got cocky when you were young when you're young you're young my blood is hot you could have 10 fucking wives but then when you're a 60 year old man you gotta fuck 10 of these bitches the limit they start talking shit too the limit is actually four in islam really and you have to treat all of them exactly the same so if they had four though and one of them was getting all the dick, that's what happens. And the other ones start complaining.

It's the craziest thing because I've never met two women, two women, forget like four women. That could get along like that. What? Girls, here's the good news.

I'm marrying you. Bad news, we're all going to share the same roof. Good fucking luck. How are they doing it in the Mormon communities, all these crazy Mormon cults?

They don't. It's always been very small subsets. And if you look at who those cult leaders are they're basically kwan jeffries closet closet perverts yeah sociopath pedophiles scumbags that guy warren jefferson was a pedophile you're totally right and that it is a sort of part of the case right they always find out that these guys are marrying these girls at like 14 and shit. Oh my God, man. Yeah. They keep finding that out. Younger, younger. Really. Nice guys.

Yeah, it's just weird, man. A weird offshoot, you know. It's just so strange that some people vibrate on a frequency that low. They're bullshit detectors that weak that they get sucked into that kind of a community. I think it's perspective and context. I mean, when you get somebody who's young and they've never been told anything different. We're just, you look at children. We're people. You are what you get somebody who's young and they've never been told anything different. You look at children, people, you are what's put inside you. That's why I always tell young people,

fucking read, but read the right things. And what you don't know is going to hurt you. You've got to read. You've just got to. Yeah. Have you seen Zeitgeist moving forward? No. I haven't either.

I haven't watched the whole thing, but I watched a chunk of it. People are just constantly trying to get me to see this thing. It's one of those things where people email me once a day. Dude, have you seen zeitgeist moving forward? I'm like, all right. I saw the first zeitgeist, and although I thought it was very moving, I also thought there was some stuff on 9-11 that I was like,

this is, you're just you you know there was stuff about the twin towers like they couldn't have possibly fallen like that and i'm like listen man this is not real science this is you don't know what the fuck you're talking about this is and to say this to state that for sure that happened i think it's crazy well you know here's the only way to find out build the same fucking thing have another fucking plane fly into it let's see if it falls down again if it does ooh you just fucked up if you actually want

a really good debunking of that popular mechanics got together a whole bunch of mechanical engineers called debunking the 911 myths

and they talk about for example how jet fuel burns at a certain temperature and what I believe it's 1600 degrees iron melts at 900 degrees especially that kind of iron.

So it made sense that the iron would start to melt and the building would crumble. But they had a whole bunch of different, they actually took each, and it's a really interesting book. Well, it gets annoying when you read the arguments against it because some of the information that people pull out is just flat out wrong. Like they're talking about how there's cuts to the beams.

And you want to say like look folks they cut the beams when they needed to break everything down because they were clearing out the area there's a lot of photographs of that man exactly you know you you there's no evidence that they cut the beams yeah to bring the fucking building down it seems to me a lot for a lot easier to believe that a group of of young men who are fanatics said, you know what, let's fly planes into a building. That seems more than some huge and massive government conspiracy. Think how many people would have to keep their mouth shut to get something like that going.

Not just that, but that that's the only way a building like that can fall. I really don't think that they have a lot of data on what the fuck happens to skyscrapers and they get hit by giant i was gonna say i didn't know you got your degree in mechanical engineering my friend that's exactly every time i hear somebody people are full of medical advice as well i love this if you read a lot of stuff for example what what people will tell you there's a there's a good ted lecture by this epidemiologist who's a scientist and actually does science does the science on for example when they said that a glass of red wine a day can help you prevent breast cancer.

The problem with that statement that you read in the New York Times and everywhere else is that the actual experiment was they had cancer cells in a Petri dish. They dropped red grape extract onto the cancer cells. Those cancer cells died. That doesn't mean, yeah, you don't infer for that. Well, it's resveratrol is what it is. Yeah. It's the antioxidant.

Resveratrol, right. I take it every day. Resveratrol, yeah. But that doesn't mean you infer then that a glass of wine is going to prevent. Is that really how they came to that conclusion? And there are different kinds of breast cancer, by the way. And cancer itself is an umbrella term for essentially the irregular division of cells, all different kinds of cancer.

We don't know why some kick on. Some happen when you're a child. Others, when you're an adult, there are different theories about it. Some are environmental. Some are genetic. So, you know, and by the way, when people say you've got to build your immune system and if you drink this, it'll prevent cancer. In fact, I was reading that some cancers don't actually grow as a result of a stronger immune system because they are aligned

with your immune system. When your immune system is strong for whatever reason and cells start dividing in a healthy way, the unhealthy cells do as well. So they're depending on the cancer. Which is why they use chemotherapy. It poisons your whole body and kills off the cancer cells right before it kills off you. That's right. That's right. And now remember, some cancers... Counterintuitive to the holistic approach of super healthy greens and stuff like that.

And you want to be healthy. I take all that stuff. I do that. But yeah, I mean, don't forget what Western science has given us. Look, up until the 1970s, the late 70s, I believe, testicular cancer killed many young men. When you had testicular cancer, you were done, okay? But because they came up with a chemotherapy that uses platinum.

Was it called the scissors? Yeah, right? That's what they used to do. But you had things called, there's a platinum compound in the chemotherapy. It has made testicular cancer highly curable. Almost always when you get testicular cancer, young men live now. They take chemo, they're sick for a little bit, and then it just goes away and it's curative. So you've got to be careful.

You're right. People have a lot of information. And if you actually start scratching the surface and asking them questions it's like dude you you don't where are you getting your information do you know the genealogy of your idea did you study do you know where too many people are just too quick to just grab a hold of a yes or a no or this side or that side you got to look at the whole thing you know the the only thing that puzzles me about september 11th is that the set that Tower 7 building, and there's a lot of debate on that. That's the one that the architects and engineers for 9-11 Truth

have a problem with. They don't know why that building collapsed like that, and it looks like a controlled demolition. Did you see that new video? It's really weird because I've seen a bunch of them. It's very interesting because I've never seen a building fall into its base like that, like give out in uniform and come down a straight line.

But it doesn't mean that it can't happen. it's got to be real careful about that yeah it looks like a controlled demolition and you know you hear that this larry stilverstein guy had all this money invested in it and when the you know if the buildings went down he made billions of dollars and you hear all this craziness online but the the real reality is again we don't know how a building like that performs until something like that happens. You've got to light it on fire. You've got to make big holes in it. Yeah, and the other thing is nobody ever realizes that these are people, right?

So if you look at like – if you read like Bob Woodward's The War Room or you look at how like governments, the CIA, this defense intelligence, the National Security Agency, the White House. If there's a crisis, it's really interesting to see, and if you look at these memoirs now that are coming out about the Bush era, it's really interesting to see how they do arrive at conclusions and decisions to take action. It's fucking heated in those rooms, and like human beings, everybody's got a different point of view. Everybody has their own group of people they control. And it comes down ultimately, everybody presents their case to the president, biting their lip, having testy arguments, not talking to each other, threatening to resign, like Condoleezza Rice did with Donald Rumsfeld,

because she just didn't get along with him. She thought he was condescending, etc. And the president finally has to be like, guys, guys, can you, hey, let's not stop fighting. I'm the one who makes the decision, ultimately. That, to me, is way scarier. The idea that we actually let a guy like Bush really be president, to me, is way scarier than the idea

that there's some massive conspiracy amongst globalists to control all the world's resources. The fact that a guy really could be president, but they really don't have it locked down. Totally tight. It's true. all the world's resources. The fact that a guy really could be president, but they really don't have it locked down, totally tight. It's true. No, it's not.

Bush didn't have a lot of wisdom. Listen, he didn't have to. He was there. He's a puppet. They obviously had Dick Cheney, and Dick Cheney was the guy who was the fucking CEO of Halliburton, a company that made untold billions of dollars reconstructing countries

after we blow them the fuck up. It's not a coincidence that this guy would be really fascinated with going to war. I mean, he owned stock. The president, President Bush,

was a fucking character on a sitcom for us. He was a guy that spoke for us. Connolly's rights had a huge falling out with Dick Cheney and a huge argument about the fact

that the guy believed in essentially extraordinary i think it's called extraordinary rendition where we would kidnap people kidnap people and take them to undisclosed locations usually a country that didn't object to torture and uh and put them in these detention cells these cia prisons and she was like you can't just disappear people you can't do that you can't take somebody off the streets of Italy and bring them to Turkey

there's certain people that have an unquestionable character there's certain people you hear them talk and you say that's a man of character

that's a man of intelligence that's a man of experience Colin Powell is one of those people I hear that guy talk and I go that guy's

legit that's the real deal he was also against the Iraq war and he was the only guy who did any That's the real deal. He was also against the Iraq war. Yes, he was. And he was the only guy who did any time in uniform. Yes. And he was also, you know, disenchanted with the entire administration and it didn't really work out for him. And, you know, everybody was real excited when he joined the Bush

administration. But, you know, there's a guy that really is a real American hero. He's the real fucking deal. That's right. And he's with all these jackasses and war criminals and fucking thieves and he has to sit there and watch them pillage,

just pillage the world. Those motherfuckers. Well, um... I was getting a little too serious there, folks. But I think that it's worth being serious about. It is. It is, but it isn't because it's not helping anything. No, but no.

It's like I have a joke about Occupy Wall Street, and I totally support the movement, but the joke is that those hippies are just going to start living there now. What's going to happen is you're going to go there, everyone's just going to be shit all over the street, and you're going to have to just drive through that on the way to work. Hey, man, what you're doing is wrong, man. Nothing ever changes ever.

Well, that's the thing. I was talking to Neil. Neil Brennan was kind of like, give me a hard time for not, not, um, I disagree with him on a lot of things, but,

um, he was, but I respect Neil because he works very hard at, at earning an opinion, developing an opinion. Yeah, we, we are,

we're on a little bit where I think we're on different sides of the equation, but, but Neil, Neil, um, Neil was saying you should be down there protesting. And my problem with the protest movement,

the, the Occupy Wall Street movement, is that I don't know that that's the only group to blame. There are a lot of groups to blame. The government, Wall Street, regular consumers who are buying houses, knowing they couldn't afford them. Nobody ever talks about that.

And so when you occupy Wall Street, what you're really talking about, Wall Street, of course, just a euphemism or just kind of a name for a very amorphous group of people, because what you're talking about when you talk about Wall Street is the investment community. That's what you're talking about. Now, do you want to protest the investment community? If so, let me ask some questions.

What aspect of the investment community? Because I would remind everybody, they pay a lot in taxes. They also produce a lot of wealth. You wouldn't have startup companies without venture capital, for example. You want to start taxing the capital gains tax. See what happens to your venture capital. See what happens to capital that is invested in businesses. So I don't know the answers. These are complicated issues. And you start following that thread and start saying, well, let's occupy Wall Street. Okay. Okay. There are some unscrupulous assholes on Wall Street. There's no doubt. There's no doubt. But what are we going to do about it? I believe, personally,

that you had an incentive structure in place, an incentive structure, and a system with holes in it where smart people got together and said, hey, you know what? I got to tell you, there are some very big legal loopholes here, and we can make a lot of money. You know why? Because three other houses down the way are making a shitload of money. So what are we doing, guys? Because we're not going to be able to compete.

Here's another thing. We may be out of a fucking job if we don't do this. So when you're in that and you start to realize it it's really an interesting development where you go gee what would i what would i do in that situation as well it was so it was so fucking murky and it seems to me what you want to fix is the incentive structure you want to fix you want to go back to to nuts and bolts nuts and bolts what are you producing what is the bottom line? How do you produce wealth? What has produced wealth in the past? Too many people are making money off just making money

and moving money around. Passing risk along. Yeah. Passing risk along. Even much bigger than the actual size of the actual economy is the size of the derivatives, right? Yes. And there's a very good book that I'm about to read,

and I had two very big bankers who were in this, and had lived through it, and saw every bit, every detail, and they said the book to read is The Big Short by Michael Lewis. He wrote Liar's Poker. I would like to read that. It's called The Big Short. Let me write that down, because I need to really... For anybody, it'll explain the genesis, and this guy is not...

The Big Short? He doesn't have a grind to axe here. He is a journalist who is an outstanding first class writer i read liars poker he's a great writer i believe it's michael lewis is his name i might be wrong with the first name but the point is that he wrote the big short and that is renowned that is that is widely respected as the book and sort of the bible on how this shit happened and what happened and essentially who's to blame. But you start going into that blame game. It's really interesting. It's really fucking interesting because

there are a lot of people, and they're not just Republicans, they're not just libertarians, a lot of people can make a very strong case for things like the Equal Housing Lending Act, the kinds of laws that came out of government, because it was very popular on the Republican and Democratic side, to say, hey, I'm going to pass legislation that makes it easy for everyone to own a house. That's the American way. That's the American dream. They did a study. Listen to this.

It's really interesting. The Federal Reserve Bank of Boston did a study. They found that even if you're qualified for a loan, if you're a minority, if you're black or Latino, and even if you're qualified for a loan, if you're a minority, if you're black or Latino, and even if you're just as qualified as a white person, you're four times as likely to be turned down, turned down for that loan. Okay. So if you're black or you're Latino, back in, I think this was in 1996 or whatever. I don't remember the date. If you're black and Latino, you have the same credit as a white person. You're still four times as likely to be turned down for a loan.

Countrywide mortgage. That's because they're all in the family. Maybe. Meathead and everybody convinced. But countrywide mortgage said, fuck this, let's open a bunch of small offices with minority people working in there. Let's start giving loans to these people. If they have the same credit rating, let's do that.

It's really interesting when you start really listening to the shit. You're like, wow, man, this got fucking crazy. On top of the fact that Europe, the rich countries, were buying our mortgage-backed securities. They were buying the housing debt. And so we could pass it on. It's just so weird that people thought that it was normal that you would buy a house,

and then it would be worth twice as much in two years. Because that's what happened. That's what happened to my house. Dude, everybody was telling me this. Dude, I bought it for $500. I sold it for a mil. And I'm like, what? Yeah.

You just made a half a million dollars just like that? How the fuck did you do that? How does that happen? How is that real? My father, who is a banker, said, my father looked at me and he goes, not going to last because I was going to buy a piece of property, get into real estate. He goes, you know anything about real estate? I go, no.

He goes, you know how to make people laugh, right? I go, yeah. He goes, stick to making people laugh because you get into real estate, you'll lose all your money. All of it. It's true. Well, not only that. Don't be cocky and think you can jump into a game like that

and not give it 100% of your attention. Exactly. Like people saying they're going to moonlight in MMA. I'm going to have a couple of fights on the side. Good luck with the rest of your life thinking out of that shitty brain of yours. Oh, my God. Because someone's going to wrap a fucking shin around your skull and you're not gonna remember things too good after that dude that's the hardest i'm sorry but that is the

hardest way to earn a living it's yeah it's right up there i watch these guys fight and i you know and i was watching um i was watching baseball the other day i'm watching the world series and you know baseball they're athletes they can hit a ball you know you got to swing the bat perfectly you got to throw you got to field a ball and it's you know there baseball, they're athletes. They can hit a ball. You've got to swing the bat perfectly. You've got to throw. You've got to field a ball. And there's a lot of skill involved in baseball. But when it comes to fighting and you're out there with gloves that are just tiny and somebody else is trying to knock your fucking head off and you don't know how to kick, punch, and wrestle.

So much more difficult. So much more is on the line physically. Your physical health. You're playing a game for your health. How about your courage? Yeah, everything. Your mind. You've got a game for your health. How about your courage? Yeah, everything. Your mind. You've got to stay loose but aggressive.

And you're going to be exposed in front of all these people. People are going to see you break or not. You probably aren't allowed to even say this because you call the fights. But if you had to put, I don't know if it's a fair question, I was going to ask you about the Son and Anderson Silva fight. Are they going to fight first of all? Do we know? Who knows?

I don't know. Dana likes the fight and Anderson Silva fight. Are they going to fight, first of all? Do we know? Who knows? I don't know. Dano likes the fight. It's a promotable fight, for sure. It's a very exciting fight. Is Anderson kind of hesitant to fight him? I don't believe so. I believe his manager has said some things. But a lot of that is just a game.

You've got to realize that promotion and managing fighters and stuff, there's a lot of publicity involved. And there's a lot of just keeping it in the press is a good thing. Saying that Chael doesn't deserve it is a good thing. Building up any sort of animosity is a good thing. And then Chael's people say, yes, he does deserve it. Anderson's worried he's going to kick his ass.

Then you got a thread going, man. So you can't be a rube. You got to look at these things and go, listen, Ed Soares is a smart dude, and Anderson Silva is a goddamn genius, and Chael Sonnen is the greatest marketing mind that combat sports has ever known by a long shot. He's such a man. No one's funnier than him. No one's wittier than him.

He's a beast. I watch him, and I get depressed that I'm not him. How about what he said to Bryan Stanton? He said he is an American hero, and he's going to get a good old-fashioned red, white, and blue ass kicking. It was so great. Oh, my God. I saw him talking about the Nogueira brothers. He's my God. I saw him talking about the Noguera brothers.

He's on another level. He was talking about the Noguera brothers. He's like, they thought this bus pulled up. They thought it was a donkey. It was me interviewing him, man. He's saying that he tried to give them a carrot. I was laughing. I brought it up to him.

He goes, that happened. He goes, one of them pulled his belt off. Like, he's going to take it home. Come on, little fella. And you know what, dude? On top of that, that motherfucker could fight his ass off. If he was just a shit talker, I would still love him.

Even if he lost everything. Like Sean McCorkle has lost a couple times in the UFC and, you know, or at least once in the UFC. Sorry, Sean, if I said once. But he's a great shit talker. He's a hilarious shit talker. I like to see the guy back just to hear him talk some more shit. But Jail Sonnen talks shit better than anybody. He's better. He's funnier than I am. And I'm a comedian. I'm like, I'd like to see the guy back just to hear him talk some more shit. You know? But Chael Sonnen

talks shit better than anybody. He's funnier than I am and I'm a comedian. I'm like, this guy's got to, you know. He's figured out how to finish guys.

Instead of just staying on top of guys and punching them in the face, you know, you can win a fight like that but you know what else you can do? You can lose a fight like that

because the guy survives and catches you in a submission. When you're on top of a guy, if you're a wrestler the kind of caliber of Chael Sonnen, you're not going to get up, man. The only way you're going to get up is he's going to make a subtle mistake

and probably be late in the fight. Maybe he's trying to finish you off and he gets cocky and you get an underhook and you get back up to your feet. But for the most part, a guy like that can keep you down. And if he's got good submissions, fuck, why wouldn't he have good submissions? Look at the elite level grappling he has. All you have to do is just teach him a few different positions and he'll be elite in those positions as well.

And his triangle that he hit Brian Stan with was a crusher dude because Brian Stan was defending the right way. The way to defend is called answering the phone. You put your hand over your ear and it relieves some of the pressure. But Chael's squeeze is so fucking tight that it didn't

matter. He did everything perfect. Is he just gorilla strong? Gorilla strong. Gorilla strong and mentally tough as fuck. Yeah, he really is. He's tough as fuck, dude. He really is. And has cracked in the past and is tougher because of it.

How about that? Has quit in the past, has done things in the past that he's not happy with, and those things motivate him in a fight. And much like George St. Pierre, I think losing and cracking under pressure has done things in the past that he's not happy with, and those things motivate him in a fight. And much like George St. Pierre, I think losing and cracking under pressure makes him more dangerous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really do.

When a guy's been humiliated a couple of times, and then he comes back and is a fucking badass, there's a different level of intensity that those guys have. A guy's been humiliated like a George St. Pierre. There's an intensity that he brings to the table where this is not going to fucking happen again. That's also on the menu.

On the menu is, I'm going to kick your ass. On the menu is, I'm going to force you to fight my fight. But also on the menu is that Matt Serra fight is not going to fucking happen again. Right, right. I'm not going to call it an opening. And, you know, Shale's been caught by Anderson in a triangle. Paul Ophelio caught him in an armbar. Damien Maia.

But he's a better fighter than back then. I don't know what's going on. I don't know if it's consistency, intensity. I think a lot of his strength resides in his hair. In the thick, Samson-like hair.

It's delicious hair. Dude. He's the fucking most marketable guy ever. He's a man. He should have his own right-wing talk radio show. When you're a man,

you're watching the guy. You're like, he's definitely the silverback and I'm a baboon. I'll throw fruit from the trees. And he's entertaining as man, you're watching the guy. You're like, he's definitely the silverback and I'm a baboon. I'll throw fruit from the trees. And he's entertaining as hell, man. He's hilarious. He's great.

I'm a big fan of that guy. And that's going to be a big fight, the rematch of those. But Anderson right now is recovering from, he had a shoulder injury. Oh, he did? Yeah.

And that's tricky, man. I mean, they can take a long time. Like Cain Velasquez, depending on the severity of Anderson's injury, Cain Velasquez has been out for a long time. I mean, he had to get surgery and it's a good solid nine months. It's a very complicated joint. His shoulder, I mean, look at all the different moves that the shoulder can do and

think about how loose the tissue has to be inside of there. And if something goes wrong, if there's tears and soft tissue damage or worse, ligament rips and things that need to go back in there and stitch everything up and put it together and possibly even have more than one surgery. Yeah, I mean, there's people that have shoulder injuries, and it's nine, ten months. Wow. Yeah, it's a long time. So Kane still hasn't come back yet. This Junior Dos Santos fight is his first fight back on Fox because he's been out for, Jesus, it's got to be like a year.

He beat Brock Lesnar over a year ago, I believe. I'm not exactly sure when the fight took place. How much does he weigh, Kane? 240. He, in my opinion, is just, he's the perfect size heavyweight where he's not a giant guy, so he doesn't require all this amazing oxygen. But he's still small, so he can move.

There's always that debate about what's the perfect size, because when you're 260, you don't have the kind of explosive speed with your punches, usually. You've got a lot of weight in those arms, too, when you fill up with blood, man. You lose the snap into the punches. He's got great snap to his punches because he's not muscle-bound. That's right. He's got a real athlete's body. I mean, his body is exactly

built that way because of years of combat sports. So it's built the exact way it needs to be to perform at the level that he wants to perform. And with him, the big thing with that guy is volume. He has the most ridiculous pace of any heavyweight. I've never seen a guy with cardio like this. His ability, yeah, his cardio is insane.

It doesn't make any sense. He's 240 pounds. He never gives up. And he outworks lightweights at the gym at AKA. AKA, American Kickboxing Academy in San Jose, one of the best gyms in the country, filled with killers, filled with John Fitch and Josh Koscheck and Mike Swick

and all these fucking animals up there, and this guy is outlasting them in conditioning drills. That's unheard of. You're talking about like a Josh Thompson. Those guys, that's like an elite, elite MMA athlete. You know, like as good a shape as you can get in, as athletic as you can get in.

And to have this fucking freak heavyweight beating them in exercise drills is really kind of crazy. Or at least getting close to them. Heavyweights are traditionally way easier to tire out, and he just puts a pace on these guys so you can see them. I can't believe it's real. They can't believe it's real. A perfect example, the Brock Lesnar fight was a good example. That was a good example, but there's been a couple other fights earlier in his career where you just see him hit guys with this pace.

Big Ben Rothwell, that's a perfect fight. He hit Ben Rothwell with this pace that was just ridiculous. It was just ferocious. Everything he did was perfect. Every takedown was perfect. Every side positioning was perfect. Every hammer fist was perfect. Every punch was perfect.

Yeah, he just keeps going. Six feet, six foot one, maybe something something like that he's not a giant guy like I said he's only 240 unbelievable he's not he might be a little he might be 6 foot 1

at the most I should actually look that up what's his nationality he's Mexican 100% it has brown pride tattooed on his chest that's how you know

he's a bad motherfucker I write C-A-N-U in Google and it says Cain Velasquez that's how you know you're a bad motherfucker okay I write C-A-N-U in Google and it says Cain Velasquez. That's how you know you're a bad motherfucker. Not even Canada or California or castration

or cats. Or cats. That's what would come up first. Mine says cats. Cain Velasquez. I should just say it now. I'm a cat freak. 6'1". 244. Perfect size heavyweight not not too big

not too small and if a guy like brock lesnar can't out muscle you i'm so depressed i'm 5 11 170 but you know you always say this but you never do anything about it i lift weights dude do you do heavy weights yeah like did you do you you read tim ferris's book did you see all this shit that he had about gaining weight yeah but you really want just... You really want to get bigger? No. You wouldn't be as funny. No, I know. That's the problem. I don't want to spend that much time trying to work on my body.

It's too embarrassing. You would be just as funny. That's ridiculous. No, but I mean... I don't want to spend... Somehow, I don't want to spend a lot of time, a lot of time trying to get bigger just so I'm 10 pounds more muscular. You get tired quick.

It's just embarrassing. I don't want to do that. You get tired quick. Yeah. The real problem with the big muscles is that you have to feed those bitches. That's right. You don't realize what a big difference it makes. I know.

That's why you look at the real elite UFC athletes like PJ Penn and Nick Diaz. They don't look like Adonis. I was talking to him at the premiere of Warrior. I was looking at PJ Penn. I was like, well, you're about as threatening in a button-down shirt as the UPS guy. You got those ears closed up. I know what that means, but I'm looking at him going, I'm sorry, I'm taller than you, and frankly, my shoulders are broader.

And that's all I was thinking the whole time. You're sizing him up. How many people must do that to BJ on a daily basis? How many dummies he must have to talk to? I know, and I just keep looking. I mean, how are you one of the baddest men on the planet yet he is oh he's an animal and then i met alistair overing who is quite the opposite alistair ovarian is like someone uh gave someone a super person pill i was gonna say yeah like if you were a character in a comic book and you know you found

a pill that was a male doctor's laboratory. He's a male impersonator. That's what he is. Okay? Yeah, he's gigantic. That's what Adam Carolla would say about women who are really hot, female-female impersonators. He's a male-male. I was looking at his back.

I was grabbing his arm. I was basically doing everything but making out with the guy. I was like, oh, he's so big. But here's the thing about Alistair. Since he's been that big, no one's had to push him in an MMA fight. You know, his fights that he's had while he's been that big are really kickboxing. He's done very well.

But I think there's something to that size in kickboxing that's particularly intimidating. With the skill of an Alistair over him, he's very good at covering up. He has so much muscle. And I think that muscle is also sort of like a padding. It's like armor. My friend Walter used to say that when we were doing Taekwondo. He would say that muscles don't help you teach how to fight, but what they do do, no doubt about it, is offer protection. Yeah.

He goes, they protect you against injuries, and he goes, and it's padding. Yeah. You've got to think of if your body's heavily muscled, it's padding. There's a certain point in time where there's a point of diminishing returns, but the question remains as to whether Alistair has hit that point of diminishing returns, because he's so big. And in kickboxing, he's a fucking beast, and he was a bad motherfucker when he fought Alistair, or when he fought Brett Rogers.

But truth be told, Brett Rogers is not at his level. He's not nearly technical enough standing up to stand with Alistair, and he's not a world-class wrestler, so he's not going to take him on the ground. He's basically a world-class wrestler, so he's not going to take him on the ground. He's basically a brawler who is in there with one of the best precision strikers in the world. So that wasn't exhausting for Alistair at all.

How is Alistair's wrestling? He's not that good, but he's got real good jiu-jitsu. Wrestling is not good. He doesn't have the best takedown defense, but it's good. But the bottom line is he's got a nasty guillotine choke. He choked out Vitor Belford with it Vitor tapped yeah he caught Vitor

and that's how good he's a lot bigger than Vitor though yeah well back then he wasn't back then they were both fighting around the same weight

interesting yeah he might have eaten some good foods and you know got a lot of weight put on his body my friend people put 35

40 pounds on him yeah well he does work hard man his workouts are unbelievable there's videos of him online crazy deadlifts and all this strength and shit 35, 40 pounds high. Yeah, well, he does work hard, man. His workouts are unbelievable. There's videos of him online, crazy deadlifts and all this strength lift and shit. But the true test of that, whether or not you can perform with all that muscle on,

really is when you get stuck under the bottom of a guy like Brock Lesnar. That's the true test. Because that big motherfucker will take you down, and he'll be on top of you, and you might be fucked, son. I think Brock's biggest challenge, though, is knowing how to box with a guy like Cain Velasquez. Because that takes forever to learn. Well, because Cain can wrestle. See, Cain is a nightmare because Cain can wrestle. He started as a wrestler.

Yes, an excellent wrestler. So his technique as a wrestler, too, he's very technical. Even though he does a lot of shit like he chains um takedowns that he does it in a way that very few heavyweights do it's like the way he moves is like the way a lighter weight guy would wrestle right and so he brings this really technical wrestling to it too so when brock starts heaving and hoeing just a little kane's got underhooks he's back up to his feet and boom and kane's all of a sudden kickboxing with him lighting him up he's his you know he's got the worst case scenario for a guy like Brock.

He's got nasty stand-up. Knocked out Noguera in a ridiculous flurry in a way that no one's able to do. He's good, man. His stand-up is good. And he can take a shot. He took two solid punches from Czech Congo that dropped him. Same kind of punches that knock Pat Barry unconscious. And he took it right on the chin.

Dropped him, and then he completes a takedown. That's what's so sick and amazing about a guy like Frankie Edgar for example who to me right now the most impressive human being. The fact that that

guy can take shots to the face. There's a correlation between both of them. Neither one cut weight. I was going to say. I was going to ask you about that because

when it seems to me if a fight's going to go three rounds it's one thing to cut weight. When a fight's going to go five rounds cutting weight is is going to be a liability you know usually if the guy if the other guy has not cut weight your your muscles and all those cells are hydrated and you're not going to you're not going to get as tired so it's an interesting kind

of well you know they re uh they rehydrate with ivs and it helps it's definitely better than the way they used to do it guys the way they used to do it. Guys, the way they used to do it, you start eating slowly, and then they would start slowly sipping water, and then try to get up in the middle of the night and drink water, and they would drink water and Pedialyte. But now the smart way to do it is with an IV. But there's been some studies, apparently, that were done on soldiers.

I need to get a hold of this. My friend Dustin told me about it, and they were talking about how long it takes to rehydrate your cerebral spinal fluid and all that stuff, and that is where it's scary, because that shit takes weeks. And when you get hit and you're dehydrated, it's very bad for your brain.

Very bad for your brain. You cannot take a shot nearly as well, and you're more likely to die. What does Gray Maynard walk around at? Somebody told me he walks around at like 190 or something. I don't, well, I think he can probably get up to 190 if he's eating whatever the fuck he wants and power lifting and shit, but he's most certainly too big for 155, I think. I mean, look, he's a beast, man. Don't get me

wrong. If he catches you with a big shot, he'll put you away. But I think he's so thick that, you know, for him, it might be better if he lifted less and just got a little bit more cardio into his system. And I know he's got good cardio, don't get me wrong, but he doesn't have the same cardio that a guy like Edgar does. And I think one of the reasons for it is a guy like Edgar has less body mass, period. He has less oxygen that has to push through the muscles. And I think, again, there's a point of diminishing returns. Edgar is obviously not as strong as Gray Maynard. Gray Maynard is way stronger than him.

He's way scarier a puncher, too. He can hurt you with one of those early punches that he hit Edgar with. Holy shit, dude, his uppercut is nasty, dude. Gray can punch. But I think that's a mechanical thing, man. I think he would be able to punch like a motherfucker no matter what. I think he's just become a much better boxer over the course of the time we've seen him in the ufc i don't think him losing a little bit of mass would would hurt that i really don't i

think he would he would be you know i think he would benefit from just having a little less mass on his body but this is just me talking shit if he knocked out frankie edgar in the first round i'd be saying oh he improved and you know he came back and he's he's you know he's well i mean the best of the division now the thing about the thing about the ufc now is these guys become better punchers those little gloves become such a liability for any kind of error yeah you make any fucking mistake and you go out look at eve edwards yeah i mean he was a great fighter he was fighting really well but one shot to the jaw with those you're done the way eves went down is like a guy who has been knocked out before though yeah there's and i'm not saying that it wouldn't have happened fighting a long time yeah i'm not saying that it wouldn't have happened anyway because it

was an excellent shot you know it could have put him out anyway but man it was disturbing how how we went out yeah because i really like Eve Edwards. He's a smart dude. He's a cool guy. And he's a very skilled guy, too. And he's been around for a long time. I watched him fight in the hook and shoot days, back when he fought Aaron Riley. We were in Pittsburgh together, and we were doing Warrior.

And it was me and Nate Marquardt, and we were in my apartment. And we were all a little drunk. And I start yapping off. And I'm like, you know, I don't know why you guys don't just fucking go for a double. I take him down. I'm just saying stupid shit to him, trying to get his goat. I'm like, I know you're a boxer. I know.

But, you know, I was talking window. So you want no part of my feet, my friend. I'm doing all this shit. He's like, he's drunk. He's like, he's like, really? And all of a sudden he grabs me. And now he's practicing moves on me as i'm trying to fucking stay alive and on on the rug as he's letting me choke him out he's like choke me i'm not gonna fucking choke you on god's leave he goes try just try come on try next thing i know i'm like i'm getting

like twisted around it's so funny to roll with guys like that just what they can do to you it's just fucking ridiculous so you just started training again, though? Yeah. How many times? Just once. Just once? Yeah. How many years off did you have?

Years. You had a weird situation happen. Six years. Brian scared the shit out of me when he told me this whole story. It's very disturbing. You had a real medical problem. Well, I had a concussion, and my hands for like three months felt like I was holding a hot snowball. And it would come back all the time.

And I found that that is one of the effects of a severe concussion. Because I had a 40-minute fight with this guy named Pasquale, this French guy. And Boom Boom Mancini was watching. And it was at street sports, and I didn't want to lose. I was like, I'm not tapping in front of Boom Boom. But how did you get a concussion? I think I didn't even, you know when you're wrestling that hard, you don't even realize, you hit your head on the mat, you're falling,

you're doing all kinds of crazy, you're going crazy. I hit my head on the mat and I drilled real recently. It was like, whoa, that was a hard one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Head injuries are no joke. But, you know, I just, and I'm back though. I miss it.

So when you, you didn't know what the injury was, you couldn't pinpoint it. I thought I had a brain tumor, man. No, but I know, but I mean, when it happened,

when we were rolling, there's not one moment that. Nope, I don't remember any of it. And I've been knocked out before. So you didn't even know. Nope. I've been knocked out. I've been kicked in the head.

I've been punched. I know what being knocked out is. You know, I know. But for this, it was just've been kicked in the head. I've been punched. I know what being knocked out is. I know. But for this, it was just, I guess, I think what happened was at one point, I think I was standing and I came back and hit my head on the mat and we just kept moving. Who knows? Who knows? You don't think about it when you're fighting.

Yeah. So why were you doing this? Why were you, as a grown man, why were you having this 40-minute battle? I still haven't let go of the fact that I'm a pussy. I like how you put it to a song. That I'm not built like a Samoan. Built like a Samoan. I wish I had some Samoan blood.

Like David Tua. That's all I want, just a little. Give me a little fucking Samoan blood. A fire hydrant head. I just want the hair and the dark skin. No hair on my skin. It's a fucking good look. I can wear turquoise and be a badass.

Turquoise. Yeah. I can't wear turquoise and be a badass turquoise yeah i can't wear jewelry i look like a fucking i look like there's something about a man who wears turquoise or jade well johnny dead he gets away with all that shit but awesome there's something about when guys wear like large silver bracelets with big jade ovals inside of them you're like okay dude what do you do you believe in channeling i always want to ask him like right away what's going on with you man you spent some time with sedona dude, do you believe in channeling? I always want to ask him right away, what's going on with you, man? Do you spend some time in Sedona? Exactly.

Do you know any healers? Exactly. My ex-wife's a healer. Or you're in Arizona. I went to John Varvatos, where it costs like a million dollars for a pair of shoes. What is that? It's a really cool clothing company that I actually love their clothes. I actually look good in their clothes.

It makes them for guys who are built exactly like me. But it's like really nice cashmere sweater shit you wear all the time that that it's like because guys have two criteria when they dress right they don't want to look like a pussy and they want to be comfortable that's it that's it for me i don't i'm not dressed and i'm not wearing you know but um so i get in there and the dude the dude um this guy is like just very fey he's just like hi how are you i'm like good and he's like um well let's start i go i'm doing a one hour special for showtime i'm i'm bullshit and i'm like you know i am by the way but i go i'm doing a special and i go um and i want i need somebody i need to wear

something on stage i don't know what i'm gonna wear we have some great stuff and he brings me over and before i know it i'm wearing like i got a vest on i got a i got a fucking awesome fedora i got this he puts this this unbelievable this like chain around my i looked i looked in the mirror and i was like i'm sorry but right now not to be a dick i'm the coolest looking motherfucker on the planet this is this is i look i was so impressed with how good i looked and i went i've never worn jewelry and he goes oh i mean if you don't wear, then all you're wearing is cloth. That's our rule here. I'm like, well, that's...

You have to wear jewelry? Well, it just looked... I was surprised, but then... You let this gay man get into your soul. Right, but then I looked at him in the mirror, and I was looking at myself, and I went like this, and I said right in front of him, I go, then again, I do punch people for looking like this.

You know, you see guys who are like, they walk into like, you know, Intelligentsia Coffee, where they charge you $6 for a cup of coffee and their hair is just must just the right way. They got a bracelet on, this awesome. Don't hate the player, bro. I hate the game because that shit works. It does work. You pull up in a late model Maserati, you know, you have a fine watch on.

Girls like that shit. Reading, reading perhaps the Wall Street Journal. I want to keep up on the markets. Going to get my coffee. Why me? Yeah, very successful. Financially. Romantically, not so much.

Ever since the family died in the fire. I just can't find the right one. Family died in the fire. You don't introduce any tragedy until at least the first couple, two, three dates. You've got to let it fall in love first. My biggest problem

when I'm not running orphanages, I guess my biggest problem is what to spend all my money on. You're going to come off like a hippie pussy. You don't want that. Don't talk about orphanages. No, you're just sensitive. She can find that out.

Now that you've made so much money. You're making grand plans. You can't keep banging her for long. You're on a one-night plan. You're right. You're right. If you want to keep a girl in the game, you can't just make up orphanages, man. I do.

You're going too far. I like the Wall Street Journal. That's good. Yeah, you've got to pretend like you're a serious person. Yeah, with an expensive watch. I'm a man. I'm a man. She's lost. She's got to pay her own fucking rent, man. It's good. Yeah, you got to pretend like you're a serious person. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. She's lost.

She's got to pay her own fucking rent, man. It's hard. It's hard out there. That's it. You know, she's not, and she doesn't feel like a woman, but yet she is. Here she is, 22. Right now, I just manage my investments. I wear one of those book bags that you could keep your dog in the back.

Have you seen those things? A book bag that you could keep your dog in? They're like these little book bags that you carry around your animals in the back. Wouldn't you want it in the front so your dog knows that you're there? Little dogs are great chick magnets, man. Puppies. But what's crazy about these book bags is if you look at the reviews on Amazon or whatever, there's so many psychos that are like, I could fit all three cats.

I love going to Target with my cats. With my cats? Yeah. The reviews are hilarious. Check it out. Was it on our podcast where somebody was talking about walking their cat on a leash? Who was that? Maybe.

There's a guy that walks his cat on a leash by my house. I had a history. I had a history. Go on. I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was on our podcast. It was talking about walking a cat on a leash.

I might have said that. I had a history teacher in college who told me that his buddy's dog his buddy's lab had like a litter of puppies like what the fuck do we do with these puppies there's like eight weeks they're weaned and stuff like nobody wanted puppies he's like fuck and they're like bored and they're going to the beach and i was like i got to the beach let me just feed the dogs and his buddy goes hold on i got an idea he's like what i mean he goes let's bring the puppies to the beach and the guy's like what do you mean bring the fucking puppies he goes don, don't worry about it. Next thing you know, they got a box of puppies

and they have a sign that says, rent a puppy. And they're renting puppies. You can go just take the puppy for an hour, leave a credit card, play with the puppy. Of course, everybody wanted a fucking puppy. They're like, how much do I have for the puppy?

But my history professor was like, the girls that everybody ended up hooking up with were just unbelievable. You're just surrounded by girls. Bring a bunch of puppies to the fucking beach. Forget your gym. You're working out for three months trying to get your chest all right. Bullshit.

You don't have to work out. Just show up with a bunch of puppies. Girls will flock to you. There you go, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Rent a puppy. Brian Callen's a genius when it comes to picking up chicks you don't really want to pick up in the first place. That's the problem. Everybody is so starving to get laid men are so starving the reason why there's so many bitches and pussies in the men department in this world today is because

the commodity of pussy is so goddamn powerful and it's totally the the percentage of the market devoted to pussy is like shit it's got to be like 40 or 50% of the market is based on pussy. Acquiring it, right? Impressing it. When I think of the conversations I've had, the sincere conversations I've had with girls just to get laid, where my brow is knotted and I'm like, really, that's amazing. Say more stuff.

So tell me about this dream you had again. And women get angry at us for this insincerity, but this is what you have to understand, okay? We're junkies, and you're the dealer. It's really that simple. The universe is set up, fucked up, because we have the same bodies that we had back when infant mortality rates were through the fucking roof.

So you had to want to fuck all the time so that you could have a reasonable amount of people so that the human race could survive. It was really common back in the day for people to have 10 kids, 11 kids, 12 kids. Kids were fucking dying, man. Kids didn't last. People got crazy diseases and it would wipe out entire villages. Animals were eating people on a regular basis.

So we have that same body and we want to fuck all the time. Our body has not reacted to the, especially if you're athletic. It's one thing if you're unhealthy, and if you're confined to a cubicle, and your body becomes sedentary, you'll lose a certain amount of that drive as you get your 30s or 40s. But if you're athletic, if you're an athletic person, and if you're a person who just, we are engineered to like the hunt of it. The same way you can't roll a ball of yarn in front of a kitten.

If a girl walks by, it doesn't even matter if you want to fuck her. If a girl walks by in high heels and a bikini with a big ass and big floppy real tits, and she's hot and she looks at you, you go, uh-oh, you just have to find a reason why you had to get out of the room. Yeah, but meanwhile, we are becoming increasingly automated and computerized. And so what happens is...

Worse than that, worse than that. They're changing because of the fact that pussy is so powerful. Men are doing a lot of shit that women want them to do. It's not normal. But I would say that's also because testosterone muscle aggression those things are becoming tools we no longer need to survive think about what it was like just to get by and feed your family you had to work the fucking land splitwood bail hey catch your own food all that shit that took a lot of weight

and now what happens is you go to the supermarket or you swipe your credit card, okay? And I'm watching, I was watching two shows in particular. I watched Whitney and I watched American Horror Story, okay? I like American Horror Story, by the way. It's scary. Why'd you watch Whitney? He has an affair. Oh, Chris D'Elia's my buddy.

But he has an affair on... How bad is it? Whitney? I haven't I don't mind it it's a sitcom shut the fuck up don't ever lie to me like this

it's actually not that it's terrible I don't like it we go way back bro we go over a decade this thing's gonna be gone I like the laugh track the best you like the laugh track

yeah that's my favorite part she's a very pretty girl I wish her well I like I personally really like Whitney as a person and I really like Chris so I

you know I'm biased something about those billboards that And I really like Chris, so I'm biased. Something about those billboards that made me feel like I was in a Coen Brothers movie. I was like, I think this is it. I think this is the last piece of evidence that life is a work of fiction. It's like, what the fuck is happening? They advertised a lot of shit. Sitcoms just do not work for me anymore. I cannot do it at all.

Yeah, but some of them are doing really well. You say that, but you locked into a good one. If another Seinfeld came along. I mean, Modern Family's funny. Yeah, I heard that's very funny. Well, I mean locked into a good one. If another Seinfeld came along. Modern Family is funny. Yeah, I heard that's very funny. Well, I mean the typical sitcom. Like, you know, like with the laugh track studio audience. Two Broke Growth is supposed to be pretty good, and it's doing really well.

That's Chelsea's. Chelsea Hamlet. No, that's actually Whitney's as well. She created it. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Whitney's doing really well, man.

That's amazing. Whitney works her ass off, man. That's crazy that she's got two shows. I'm happy for her, man. I love her. I've known her forever, and I knew her back when she was doing open mics, you know, and she worked her ass off man that's crazy that she's got two shows i'm happy for it man i love her i've known her forever and i knew her back when she was doing open mics you know and i she worked her ass off man and you know what about you know what i love about whitney whitney's always been fucking really positive and really supportive that's awesome and she's the girl where i'd be

on stage she'd be out there laughing her ass off well you don't get that everybody how great i was successful you don't get that successful without being positive. It's impossible. She's a positive person who worked her ass off. And guess what? I read the pilot of Whitney, and I was laughing. And I was like, she wrote it. She wrote it.

Now you can stop lying. Stop lying. No, but I mean, I'm saying for a sitcom, it might not be, you know. For a sitcom. I'm just saying. I'm saying. But I'm proud of her.

I think sitcoms are still worth it. No, but the point I was making is this, is that Chris's character looks at a girl and for the whole episode she's giving him a hard time and he feels guilty and he can't admit

that he was just looking for a girl and I was saying the other day I was like look the truth of the matter is we're fucking genetically

programmed to be that way until we have an honest conversation about what that struggle is for a guy then we're always going to be playing roles. Yeah, but don't even say for a guy because it's a struggle for a girl too. It's a respect issue, and that's why I don't think that people looking at other people

while you're in a relationship is cool. While you're with someone, you know what you're doing. When a girl, like I've seen girls do it to dudes, and it's very disturbing. It's happened, especially it happens a lot around fighters. I'm not talking about that i'm just talking about when when it does happen instead of pretending it didn't or instead of saying that i don't feel that way there is there is a dialogue to be had which is which is yeah you know what that's that's the way when you get shit out in the open yeah yeah it takes the

edge off it does but it's a disrespect issue in the first place you shouldn't be doing it you shouldn't be staring at some chick's ass when you're in front of your wife. You know what the fuck it is. It's easy to not do. It's easy to take it in for a second and go, Jesus Christ. But don't fucking stare blatantly at some chick. Because you're just doing it to create conflict. You're doing it to make that girl feel bad. And we've all seen guys do that.

We've all seen guys do that. Or they might even actually say something. That makes everybody uncomfortable. I'm so lucky. do that we've all seen guys do that or they might even actually say something you know yeah that makes everybody i'm so lucky i get the i get the elbow to me like hey brian look at that girl's ass like it's backwards for me that's girls who want to seem cool in the beginning no this girl does porn she does lesbian porn yeah yes i think she probably likes chicks likes eating box yeah that's fantastic don't have kids with her but that that's fantastic. Don't have kids with her. Why? You never know, man.

You never know is right. I'm kidding. Don't give up on her pussy eating. I'm kidding. You never know. They don't, though. They just take a break, and then when they're 40, they kick you out of the house and move in with their horse trainer.

That's all right. Horse trainer. Shake your cheeks. Start from scratch. Yeah, that's what's going to happen, bro. It's all fine. They'll take a couple years off. You'll have kids with them, and then when they're like 20, the kids will be like 20.

I know, but I'm beginning to think everything is fine. I'll take a couple years off. You'll have kids with them and then when they're like 20, the kids will be like 20. I know, but I'm beginning to think everything is fine. If you do it with your eyes wide open, it might be a risk, but fuck it. Take it anyway. If she's like got a pass and she's all fucked up, but you like her, date her. You might lose your house, but fuck it. You'll get another house. I don't know if he necessarily should be having children

right now, but I see your point. There's no guarantees. Not only that, people do evolve. They do change. you can't judge everyone based on their earliest fuck up we'd all be losers i'd be a disaster can you imagine me it's like you have yeah there's some sort of a time between your fuck ups and who you are today that we have to accept and i don't know what that number is if i had a time machine i'd go back and just meet me when I was 23 and slap my face with an open hand about that. Why would you do that? It's perfect.

What you've gotten through is absolutely perfect. You've gotten through it all with humility. Everyone's afraid of making those big, colossal mistakes because they somehow or another define you. I say they don't. I say you're not your past. I say you're an accumulation of your experiences and what you've observed and learned and grew from your experiences. And because of that, or how you've grown from your experiences,

because of that, you're better because of all your fuck-ups. You should embrace them. As long as you learn from your fuck-ups, you're better because of them. I am unquestionably, I would not change a single thing about anything I've ever done ever.

I mean, I definitely feel bad for ever hurting anyone's feelings at any point in time in my life that's the number one thing if anything i ever regret it's like maybe i shouldn't have been so mean to that dude or maybe i shouldn't have yelled at this chick or maybe i shouldn't you know maybe i should have like ate it before i or just taking a look at where they're coming from perspective yeah yeah yeah yeah or you know instead of just said shut the fuck up i don't want to hear you you know my regret isn't isn't on what I chose to do. My regret is I didn't work hard enough in some things. Really?

Yeah, a little bit. Well, you know what? I don't know. I don't think that should be. I don't think that should be because you've had a very enjoyable life. And what you have to realize is there's a certain amount of whimsy to your personality

and to what makes you a fun guy. And part of what makes you a fun guy is that you're never really truly satisfied with your current position in life that's true you know but that's an interesting point but i like i like that and i've never had anybody use the word whimsy with you that's a fucking great man of whimsy you're a great word i had a barrel chest ah you're like thinking yourself on top of a fucking all day long a boat with a broad sword fucking all i think about my one hour special is coming out in June my one hour special

on the cover of the DVD is me they made my muscles really big I'm holding the mic over my hand and two girls are clutching each calf looking up at me

and I'm on a mountain top you fucking right that's what I want to be and there's a horse rearing up in the distance and a hawk in the air I'm like that's that's who I want to be

that's hilarious it's true I've always wanted to be you know I've always wanted to be everybody everything I'm not but you know in that sense I kind that's who I want to be. That's hilarious. It's true. I've always wanted to be everything I'm not. But in that sense, I kind of like who I am at the same time. Maybe that is who I am. Yeah, but it is who you are. It's not true, though.

It's not a real need. It's a whimsical, fantastical. There it is again. It is. But it is. It's like he's being silly about it all. If you really, truly wanted it, you would do it. I've never taken myself that seriously.

I see the devotion that you have as a father. I see the devotion that you have for your work when you're actually concentrating on something. When you actually want to do something, you're very focused on doing it. So it's kind of a fake. It is. It's almost an admiration for extreme examples of certain individuals. That's right. And how inspiring.

You meet a guy like Alistair Overeem. You don't necessarily want to get that big, but God damn, it was inspiring. He grabbed his fucking giant anaconda arm. My dove goes, dove goes, dove Davidoff goes, you were grabbing the guy's fucking arms. You don't even know the guy.

You're grabbing his shoulders. I was grabbing him. And I was like, well, I was asking about Brock. I was asking about Brock. I had to touch his body. I was like, well, look at this guy. It made me think. People don't, you know, it's an interesting fight. I think Alist Brock. I had to touch his body. I was like, well, look at this guy. I mean, he's like.

People don't, you know, that's an interesting fight. I think Alistair's one of the best fighters in the world, but I think Brock is big as fuck and a serious wrestler. He had a lot of respect for Brock. He said, you know, he said, I'm ready for the fight, but I have a lot of respect for Brock. He's a great fighter. And I was like, whoa. He said that without cameras.

He was just, you know. The fact that you can just go up to a guy like that and grab him shows you where you're coming from. Because if you were weird in any way, you wouldn't be able to get that off. You can get that off because you're charming. I can't help it every time. It's the same thing with mayhem. I'm always trying to underhook him, and he's like,

you're crazy to think that you would ever want to do anything different. Because whatever you've done has made you you. I'm sorry for anybody that ever hurt their feelings, but I'm so happy everything turned out the way it turned out. I guess you're right, man. I never thought of that. I really like that. As you were talking, I went,

I spent a lot of time wishing I was somebody else. That's why I'm an actor. That's why I'm a comic. And by the way, that is who I am, isn't it? I'm a guy who spends a lot of time wishing he was somebody else. That's my identity. Every guy wants an undefeated record, okay? But I'm telling you, that shit ain't good for you.

You have to understand what it's like to lose. Of course you do. You have to understand failure it's like to lose you have to understand failure you have to be able to look back in your past at a moment where you fuck something up and feel uncomfortable about it and that should provide you with a certain amount of humility and understanding I think a man is the product

of what partially but largely a product of how of the actions he chose to take as a response to failure but largely a product of how, of the actions he chose to take as a response to failure. Yes, for sure. I don't know how you learn anything other than the hard way. I don't.

You don't really. We're a strange animal that's dealing with infinite variables, and the only way to truly find a focused way through this path is to have accumulated a massive amount of experiences and forged positive information and game plans from these experiences and be able to move forward you you cannot know it all right away from the get-go that's right you know just you all you can do is control how you how you respond to failure yeah what you choose to do differently, readjusting your approach. And by the way, the one thing for me is I've learned just to enjoy that and allow the frustration

when you do fail. Well, how about being able to make fun of yourself when you fuck up? That's so huge. How few guys can do that? Dude, that's so huge. That's so big. There was a guy, do you remember? It's so big, and you're great at it.

There was a guy recently, I say recently, it was within the last couple years. It was back when Legends was at the old bomb squad on Santa Monica Boulevard where the jiu-jitsu gym used to be. Anyway, this guy picked up a hooker. He came back from Iraq. Picked up a hooker. Turns out the hooker was a dude. The guy had sucked

his dick. Found out the guy was a guy. Shot him. Dumped the body in an alleyway, like a movie. So the cops apparently see this guy hooker was a dude the guy had sucked his deck found out the guy was a guy shot him oh no dumped the body in an alleyway in an alleyway like a movie so the cops apparently see this guy dump the body they high speed chase ensues they chase him all the way out to the desert gets out of the car with his gun suicide by cop they they shoot him dead sure wow and all i'm thinking of is this motherfucker if he could just make fun of himself would have the best story ever. It's so true. The idea of the stubble on the sky. Did it really? Quiet suddenly.

Did it really? You don't know that story? No. Oh, interesting. Well, if I may. If you please. I can't believe I've never told you this story. I can't believe you haven't either.

You might have. I'm at Club USA in New York City. How many years ago is this? Oh, I don't know. 20. Whoa. I don't know, 20. Whoa. I don't know. I'm 63 now.

I just had a lot of work done. But yeah, I'm at USA. I'm a young man. And I'm dancing with my buddy. And I meet this, I have a weakness for Latina girls, right? Little petite, cur curvy i see this beautiful latino girl she's got this black ponytail she's got she's got that that caramel skin this cute little ass my dick is getting hard i know and this type stop touching and she's dead

she's dancing she's dancing she's i'll start touching it. He said stop. I'll stop touching it. Sorry. So she's dancing. And she's dancing, and she locks eyes with me with the eyes of a fighter. I mean, just looking at me. And I'm like, all right, well, that's my wife. That's my wife right there.

I start dancing with her, and we're grinding. We're dancing. She smells like fucking apricots. I don't remember what she smells like. But for the story. She smells like fucking apricots. I don't remember what she smells like, but for the story, she smells like fucking apricots. And I'm just, they said,

we start making out, and I mean, bub slapping on the dance floor. And you know, sometimes when you're that attracted, everything else melts away. You just see that one person. I'm a little drunk,

and I'm kissing her, and it's romantic. I mean, deep. Oh, God. So there are these booths. There were these peep booths at Club USA where you could go in

and there was a glass thing where other people could watch you. So I take this girl into the peep booths and I didn't give a fuck. Oh, there's a glass thing. So other people can watch you? They want to come into the booth.

They can watch, but nobody's there. What the fuck? I didn't care. I was 23. I didn't give a fuck. I was like, I'll fucking fuck you right here. I didn't care i was 20 i was 23 i didn't give a fuck i was like i'll take my i'm fucking fucking right here i didn't condom shut up right so i'm literally like i'm gonna fuck this girl right here in this club and you know so you cuff me go fuck yourself

i was just in love i'm gonna get her this is my girlfriend this is my girlfriend forever so i'm kissing and i'm making out and i'm feeling her body she's got these little tits i'm like these are small but it doesn't matter. Her waist is so hard. The ass was on another level. Yeah, she had a beautiful ass. And I reach down and I go for,

well, I grab a branch. I grab a fucking branch. A branch. That had been tucked under and she, he, goes up and pulls my hand away and i immediately realize that was a cock i've been i've been deep kissing deep kissing for two hours so i'm definitely a little gay i mean deep kissing and i just grabbed a cock uh you ever you not know? You ever felt a cock in tights?

How did I not know, dude? You can't know. She was taking hormones, obviously. Secondly, she already had that skin, Latino or Filipino, whatever she was, where she just didn't have hair on her body. She was petite. He. I keep saying she.

She was such a girl. Because he doesn't want to believe. But here's this. Ready? Here's why I'm a good guy. Here's why I'm a really fucking nice guy. You let him suck your dick. Nope. I looked in a girl. Because he doesn't want to believe. And you know, but here's this. Here, ready? Here's why I'm a good guy. Here's why I'm a really fucking nice guy. You let him suck your dick. Nope.

I looked in her eyes. She was so hurt. His eyes. He was so like, he was just like, please, you know, let this be. And I'm such a fucking, I felt so bad that I go, I go back in to kiss her. I kiss him for another like two seconds, three seconds. And I go. On the lips?

Of course. What? I didn't want to be rude, you fuckers. Now listen. I'm not done. I'm not done. That's totally gay. Ready?

Ready? Ready? I go like this. I go. I go. Oh, fuck. I have an ulcer. I have an ulcer.

My stomach is killing me. She goes. You do? I go. Yeah. She goes. Do you have to go to the bathroom? I go.

No, no. I just have to. I have a very bad ulcer. Sometimes just keeps so i want to protect her feelings i felt so bad him his she had his and and so that's how you got out of the situation and i and i left and i never i did not come back to that club i can't believe you went back in the kid god you gotta be i didn't want to be rude no yeah what wait a minute wait a minute i would have been the opposite person some person pretended to be a girl and tricked you into kissing him and never even told you something that, for a lot of guys, would make them violent.

I know. I would have gay bashed. For a lot of guys. I know. I know. Would you really have? I would have been mad if this person tricked me. For a lot of guys, it's an experience that they didn't want to have.

I don't really give a fuck. It's an experience. Okay, for you, but for a lot of guys, it's an experience experience they don't want to have and someone tricked them into doing it and they could get violent yeah and i don't i don't justify it but i'm saying a lot of guys that would be their reaction the fact that you felt bad it's very strange and you went back and kissed him and then wrote her a poem did you kiss him with tongue after that uh i don't believe i kissed with tongue but if i tell the story again, I'll definitely use that. Isn't it funny how a memory from that far back is almost bullshit anyway?

Because it's so fragmented and odd. I can recite the facts of a lot of details of my life, but do I truly recall them? And if I didn't have a language, they wouldn't even exist in my memory banks. I'm tempted to tell you another story. Do it, yes. Please do. That was hilarious. Did I tell you another story i do it yes yes please do yes all right that was hilarious did i tell you the jimmy burke story which one i mean i know a million jimmy burke stories the one where where we were both together with two yes yes yes okay yes all right that's good okay so i had my best friend's thumb in my ass all right uh but that's a whole different story.

Joe? What? You put your thumb in his ass? No, not mine. No, another best friend. Oh, but did I tell him the podcast? Don't say my thumb. No, no.

Let's be clear about this because we refer to each other as best friends. Did I tell him? My thumb was never anywhere near your ass. I gave the punchline away, but there's a very, very good excuse for it. No wonder why Joe's always sucking his thumb. Not on the podcast. Oh, well, should I tell him the podcast? Well, it's a little late

because you already gave away the punchline. If you can tell the story somehow or another and make it entertaining, even though the punchline is already... I used to have... I had two girlfriends for a long time that I had sex with 10 years after the fact. They were just my two girls.

Loved them. Loved them. I had sex with those girls that we dated in college and then i dated them right after college and and for the next 10 years maybe longer they were always a booty call and those kind of relationships are so strange aren't they they're so weird even through their boyfriends through girlfriends that we would always get crazy parts how many how many girls like that have a guy like that somewhere in their life where they just have some arrangements and they just meet up places?

I can always sniff it. Yeah, right? I sniff it. I know it. Dirty. Oh, yeah. Yeah. How can you tell?

What do you tell most of all? Because they talk about him a lot because he's still in their life, because he's still really important to them, because they have a long time. I can always tell. Oh, you're saying you can sniff it if a girl's doing it to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can tell. You can tell. I mean, I know. it if a girl's doing it to you yeah yeah you can tell yeah i mean i know and it doesn't give you like a nice green light though yeah you're like okay yeah yeah yeah you should be friends you should be friends the one girl automatically just can assume that she's doing that just whore rampage i was yeah i was that permission to find a guy who tranny no i was i was that i was i was that

with this one girl right sorry about the tranny but i was that with this one girl. Right. Sorry about the tranny. But I was that with this one girl, and she... Hold on one second. This is getting hot in here. I'm going to turn the AC on. Continue the story. I'm sorry for... I'll go slower, Joe.

I know this story. So she basically was... She was the girl... Both of them were my girls for a long time. They are down at a restaurant in New York City called Il Buco, which is a great restaurant, by the way. And I get a call from one of them, which is essentially like, Hey, Brian, it's such and such and such and such, and we're hanging out,

and we really wish you were here, and we were talking about you, and we were talking, telling dirty stories, whatever they were saying. And I couldn't call back fast enough. I was like, where are you? Like, we're at Il Bucco. I'm like, I'll be there. I'll be there now. I mean, I was literally like 20 minutes away.

And I got down there in five minutes. I was at his hand at the cab. I was like, drive faster. Drive faster. I get there. Long story short, because I'm a team player, I call my best friend Jimmy Burke. I come in at the good time. That's it. jimmy burke i say get down here that by the way is always the code for fucking there's something about to go down it always involves pussy

get down here he goes be right there gang he's there in two seconds we're drinking wine i'm fucking getting them all plied up talking about it it, and I can see the two of them, the two girls, are all over each other, and I'm like, oh, you want to use me as a bridge to have an experience with each other, how interesting, my two old girlfriends, who subsequently asked me to have children with them, by the way, just to use my sperm, which was very flattering, but I had to say no, but anyway, so, okay, so I'm like that, Jimmy Burke goes, hey guys, let's go back to my i call him the maestro he he goes let's go back to my place let's go back to my place i'll blow the fire got some weed i'll make some fucking chocolate chip cookies how's that sound weed fireplace

chocolate chip cookies uh they're like uh yeah okay sounds good we get to the place uh he goes to the kitchen to get like to start whipping up chocolate chip cookies. He's bringing out some weed. He goes to the kitchen. He brings out weed. He brings out a joint. By that time, I'm already naked on the bed with the girls. I'm already naked.

And he's like, what the fuck is this? This is fucking weird. This is fucking great. And I'm like, I got my gun and one girl's money. I'm working my balls. I'm like, look at him. I go to. I'm like, I'm working my balls. I'm like, look at him. I go to Jimmy.

I go, I'd rather be nowhere else in the world right now, brother. This is the place to be. This is the greatest experience of my life. Literally, like I'm living a porn right now. And I love them. They're both my girls. So Jimmy's like, let me take my clothes off. He looks like a red bumpy pickle, by the way.

He's fucking hairless. Got a piece on him. And I'm like, that's just not attractive to me. But whatever. So he's trying to get this girl's pants down. He's got a tongue literally that goes. Literally, he could catch fucking flies with that tongue. He's like one of those frogs.

People don't know what an entertaining dude this guy is. He's one of these guys. There's certain people that they go from cradle to the grave and they never become famous and it's a national disaster. It's a disaster. It's a tragedy. It's a national tragedy. We call him the national treasure.

He's the greatest. He's hilarious. Yeah, he's incredible. He's a Joey Diaz type character. Yeah, that's right. He's one of those dudes that's just fucking hilarious. Like you're so happy you know him

because you always laugh when you're around him. Because he rides around because it's Christmas time. He goes, come outside. I go, what? He's driving down fucking 57th Street with a cowboy hat on, a down vest in the middle of winter with no fucking pants on. And I hear him go, deck the halls with bowls of holly holl. And this woman goes, ah! And screams because he's driving

standing up on the pedals and his cock is going on 57th street in the middle of I was like you're the craziest motherfucker he was three blocks away from his house

there was a restaurant that I stopped going to and I stopped going to this restaurant because the last time I went was with you and Jimmy and the fucking waiter

kept interrupting Jimmy's stories with some new bullshit plate that they're bringing over. With some fucking description of where the olives came from and how the cheese is cured. And Jimmy's telling some crazy fucking post-9-11 horror story about hearing the bodies hit the ground. And this motherfucker comes over with a plate of cheese. This cheese is brought to you from South America, and it's a type of cheese that's yuck milking.

Get the fuck out of here, man. Put the stuff down, and let's be done with this. There's nobody who tells better stories than that guy. Nobody in the fucking world. Yeah, he's so entertaining. Nobody in the world. It just bums me out that a guy like that sort of just... Well, you know what, though?

He always says, he goes, life is my tapestry. Yeah. He just has such a blast. He does. And he always makes it a good time, no matter where that fucking guy is. He's taking this girl's pants down.

He's trying to get his frog tongue in there. She's trying to go down on the other girl, so she's more into the other girl. And so I'm making out with the other girl, and I'm like, oh, is that my cock? There it is. You know, I'm just a fuck. I'm sorry to be this graphic,

but the point is, it was just a fucking fuck fest. It's craziness. Okay. So he's trying to get his ass. And she stops. She goes, wait, hold on. I don't like this.

You guys need to do something together. I don't like this. And I look at Jimmy and we go, oh, we don't do that. I don't do that. See, I don't fuck around with guys because it's not that I'm homophobic. She's making you do that. I'm just not attracted to guys. And I definitely have a hard-on right now,

and so does my buddy. And there's no fucking way. If that's bad enough, we're about two feet away from each other. I'm not doing anything with my buddy. And this is the girl that Jimmy was trying to eat out, right? Yes. Of course.

So she's not liking Jimmy eating her out. Right. She didn't know him, and she wanted really, she was more into the girl. She was into, you know. So she says, so she says to Jimmy,

and Jimmy can give a fuck. He doesn't give a shit. He's down to go. And if he has to fuck me in the ass to get to this point, he's like this. I can see the look in his eyes, and he's fucking like, let's go. Let's go.

What the fuck do you need me to do? She goes, I want you guys to make out. We had done a play. We wrote a sketch where we make out as a joke. And I go, no, no, no. I don't make out with guys. It's disgusting. Can't do it. I can't do it.

I had to do it. There was a part. You said you wrote a play that you guys could both make out with. I wrote this play just so we could make out. Listen, I can't make out with dudes. But I did write this play where I make out with dudes. And I penned every letter. And it's unfortunate that it had to be that way. That I had to make out

with a guy. That's what I wrote. It's what I wrote. It's called Kissing a Boy. But the point is this. It's called Why Am I Dick Hard? Why Am I Crying? Why? It's called Why Am I Crying?

Anyway, so before I can even do anything Jimmy goes I'll fucking kiss him he goes get over here you fucking pussy I go to Jim he goes he pulls me away he goes

you happy she goes yeah goes down like that so now I'm back to my girl I'm back to my girl

and we're we're locked in and we're making out and all of a sudden I feel the other girls I feel the other girls hand around my ass she goes you feel good Brian I'm like yeah yeah I feel fucking good you know locked in and we're making out and all of a sudden i feel the other girls i feel the other girls ass

hand around my ass because you feel good brian i'm like yeah yeah it feels fucking good you know and all of a sudden i feel like i'm not a i'm not an ass play guy to be honest with you but i feel like like a finger going in my mug whistle if you will if i can channel jimmy schubert i'm really going in my mug whistle you know look i don't got a sewer pickle up there you know what i mean so yeah so i'm like i'm like um uh okay oh what the she was that feel good i go oh i don't i guess so you're a girl i don't know well you know it went in rome i'm like oh oh and i'm just so into this girl and then and then i find then i feel what feels like a greyhound bus in my ass you understand a greyhound bust in my ass. You understand? A greyhound bus in my ass. To which I go,

like that. Exactly like that. I went, like that. And I turn around like this. I'm stuck. All I can do is go. I arch my back. I turn. I go, like that. And my buddy's got his thumb in my ass. And he goes like this. He goes, you fucking pussy.

And close it out. You know what happened now let me explain let me explain let me explain let me explain why and how she said to him i'm not gonna do anything more i will fuck you but you have to stick your finger in his ass you don't have the balls and jimmy goes what i don't have a fucking... Shut the fuck up. I was like, hey, guy, I mean, a little something here. I understand wanting to get laid, but to stick your finger in my fucking ass. I go, here's the problem. I got to tell all my friends now, otherwise we're gay. Tell all your friends.

You can tell everyone in the world. You just told a half a million people on the podcast. Hey, you know what? There it is. I told my friends in New York. We told the story. they went like this. My buddy, like Jeremy McFadden, they had their hands in their pocket, they listened, and they just

went, fuck this. Turned around and walked away. They went here and talked to me. They walked away shaking their head in a bad mood. Could I fly Jimmy out here? And have him on the podcast? Yes. The next time you do the podcast, let's schedule it in like three or four weeks from now.

Somewhere before Thanksgiving. I love it. You come out to do the podcast. We'll fly Jimmy out from New York if he can do it. Great idea. I'll put him up in a hotel, the whole deal. Stay out here for a few days. Stay with me.

Stay with me. Okay, beautiful. Perfect. I remember the first time I met Callan, I was sucking his dick. Wait a minute. But you were wearing a blonde wig. Brian, don't you think this show's been gay enough? You were wearing a blonde wig. He was wearing his dick. Wait a minute. But you were wearing a blonde wig. Brian, don't you think this show's been gay enough? You were wearing a blonde wig.

What made you want to take it deeper? It was these brain alpha brains. I know. Yeah, shit works, son. Hey, have you heard about Trey Parker and Matt Stone being investigated by Scientology for the last five years? Have you heard of this? For what?

No, I haven't heard anything about it. Yeah, well, you know they made fun of Scientology and the and the whole i believe i believe yeah they're very very litigious has a um a really big article about it you know and in some way and this is this is gonna sound weird because i'm a huge south park fan and i i'm on their side 100 but there's a thing about having a gang like the scientologists behind you. They must be pretty fucking badass. I mean, you think about it. Look, I don't buy into any ideology. I don't believe anything that you can't show me. I will entertain almost any offer

except religions made by science fiction authors. At a certain point in time, I step away and I go, wait, wait, wait, what? But as a group and as a clan, let's call them a clan of people. I respect that they fucking stick together like that. People love being in solidarity with other groups of people, whether it's Occupy Wall Street or whether it's being a Republican. I respect people who have solidarity.

What I don't respect is when people use lawsuits, when people use lawsuits, abuse, use litigious behavior to try to intimidate and scare people from taking a look at them. And that's what I... I agree, 100%. I don't know if that's what they're doing in Scientology. Well, you know, look,

Matt Stone and Trey Parker, they're too big. You know what? I know Scientology can shut down some shitty writers or some unknown people or some some unknown people or some people that you know haven't been established by the media but those guys have a voice you know you can't silence them yeah you're just you're gonna make it way worse you start picking on those guys you're gonna make it way worse nobody what are they doing fuck you up like they do like what are they doing to trash what's this? Like are they just pointing magnets towards their house?

You know, I actually know a lot of Scientologists because I took class at the Beverly Hills Playhouse. And for a while there, there were a lot of them and some of the teachers. And one of the teachers there said something really cool. He goes, somebody asked me if I was a Scientologist. And he had been for 23 years. And he had a good answer. He said, have I taken classes there and gotten immense benefit from some of them?

Yes. Have I taken classes there and gotten nothing out of them? Yes. He goes, if that makes me a Scientologist, whatever. Has L. Ron Hubbard's Dianetics and Different Philosophies helped me a great deal in my life? In some ways, yeah. And it was kind of a good answer. He goes, it's a philosophy that

helps me a lot. Well, what he did in creating his own religion is he used a lot of excellent principles from a bunch of different ideologies take responsibility for yourself yeah there's a lot of it's good all the positive thinking and you know and there's something to be said for his way of uh thinking about reprogramming your psyche and reprogramming your reward system you know attitude and and belief and you know and and just just moving forward in a positive direction very strong very important aspects to life i think so 100 i think that you know one of the things is just go looking at yourself and saying okay whatever happens you can always make an excuse whatever happens i'm responsible for every condition i'm in it's a better way to go

through your life well even if you're not so so what? It doesn't matter. Nobody cares. Yeah, move on from there. Nobody gives a shit what the excuse is. You can have the best excuse in the world. The problem is the world goes, I know, that's terrible.

Next, next. Well, some people just need an ideology and that ideology works. Yeah. You know, and I had a next door neighbor who was a Scientologist.

He was a nice fucking guy. They were a really nice family. Listen, man. I always enjoyed talking to them. I know a lot of them. I've met a lot of them. And I've never had a problem with them.

But I absolutely agree with you when it comes to them. Lawsuits and people critiquing them or criticizing them and them going after people. You know, you've got to let that shit go, man. And I also think that's probably, you know. But they're bullies. They're powerful. It's a few people in power who are doing these kinds of things. It doesn't necessarily mean that everybody,

it's not indictment by a few, right? Right. Well, I don't know. I don't know the real numbers. I don't know the real numbers, but it is a fascinating thing to me that it is possible to do something like that. But it also is very Coen Brothers-esque.

It's also very much like another piece of evidence it points me to the idea that the entire world that we live in is a work of fiction it's not real it's a part of my imagination because otherwise why would this really exist why would actors be so vapid i mean have you ever met actors when you you're on the scene you're working with them and you go and go this isn't even real there's no you guys what you did you went too far this is not believable I tell you what Daniel Day Lewis there's a great interview where he said Daniel Day Lewis said the funniest thing cuz I think he's an incredible actor right so I started like kind of

like researching him and stuff I just ways amazing we've talked about on the podcast a thousand he goes he goes he said you know you guys want to know about my process he said you know if I stuck flowers up my jacket did cart wheels it wouldn't really matter the bottom line is this i sit around all day wearing somebody else's clothing having somebody else's thoughts saying somebody else's words and trying to believe all of it basically because i am at heart a boring middle-class englishman i think he said because i'm ashamed of being basically a boring middle-class it was a great answer because he looked at the absurdity. Christian Bale, they were like, why do you lose weight so much?

He goes, because I'm a man and I put makeup on and I make believe for a living and I got to make it feel like real work. That guy came close to dying when he did The Machinist. That's ridiculous. I've never seen a transformation like that. A lot of people, I remember back in the day when people were first starting to do that robert de niro was one of the first guys to put on weight for a movie for raging bull and i was like wow he really got fat for that movie like that's crazy and i read about his diet he was just eating like a regular italian just

fucking meatballs and pasta all day and um you know and everybody was like wow that's amazing but what christian bale did was a thousand times harder. He literally almost starved himself to death. He's incredible. That guy is fucking incredible. Yeah, it's like, you remember that blowout when he was on, they kept playing it on radio stations where he was yelling at some guy on the set. It's because the guy on the set's a fucking idiot. He's right.

That's right. If you're operating on that level of frequency where you need to really believe that you're in this scene and some asshole keeps walking around tweaking things in your line of sight that's not supposed to be there. It's maddening.

That's right. And everybody knows that one pestery motherfucker that you can work with can ruin the whole fucking show. Anywhere. And you know what? It's his face

for the rest of his life on camera. But it's hilarious that they released that. They released that. And look, yeah, he was going crazy, but one of the things

what he was saying is you're not fucking professional. Yeah, what he was saying is, you're not fucking professional. Yeah, he said, because you're a nice guy. You're a nice guy, but you're not fucking professional, man. He's right. You reach a certain level of intensity, emotional intensity, when you do a role like that. Again, I'm just totally talking out of my ass. I was just a zookeeper. It's true.

I was at a child's movie. I hear you're very good. That was my big part. I hear you're very good. That was my big part. I hear you're very good. But there's a certain intensity that you reach when you're putting yourself into a part like that. You see some guy walking around the background tweaking the fucking lights right in front of your eyes. Like, come on, dude. Really?

Like, what the fuck are you doing, Bob? Put the lights down. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. If you're trying to be great, which is what he's trying to do. Exactly. If somebody is fucking buzzing around, you can understand that. But we allow them to do like a Batman movie. You're allowed to do those piece of shit movies in there too.

Make that money, son, and then come back and do something else crazy. He's fucking amazing. There's only a few of those guys. There's a few of those Russell Crows out there that really become a different guy. Like Russell Crowe on The Insider is one of my favorite movies of his. Great movie, man. Scary fucking movie, man. When you find out how much of it is based on reality,

how terrifying it is, how much power the tobacco companies have. And that's sort of like what's going on. My thoughts about this whole Occupy Wall Street thing, when you look at banks and hedge fund companies and all this corruption in the financial situation that we have right now, you look at it and you're like, man, these people have been getting away with so much for so long.

It's like telling them that everything has to be fair now. They're like, fuck you. I didn't get into this to be fair. I got into this because I met my friend Tim at school, and he was two years ahead of me, and he brought me out in a limo with Coke and hookers, and they said, we're trading stocks we're shorting things we're making millions we got this fucking town wired and you're like um i want in and then you all get together in the 80s gordon gecko style and start fucking raping the financial system that's why they're there in the first place they're there to make ass fuck tons of money through every possible loophole did you read about one of the

ceo's wives um who got some of the government bailout money to start a new business? Like $250 million in loans from some fucking guy who's got billions of dollars. It's amazing. His wife. He had his wife do it through some snazzy loophole that they engineered into the system.

You start to feel invincible. It's amazing. Well, look. The President of the United States, when you know how much they own shit, when the president of the United States, when you know how much they own shit, when the president of the United States says, ladies and gentlemen, poor suffering people of our country,

I am going to take billions of dollars of your tax money, and I'm going to give it to these cunts that ruin these banks, and I'm real sorry about this, but they get bonuses. And their bonuses are going to be roughly half of what you're going to make in your entire life it's going to be a half a million dollars

is what we're going to put a cap on it that's the cap he was trying to put on it he was like we're going to put a half a million dollar cap like that's there's no money your bank is done you can't give a bonus if there's no money you don't have a bank anymore you the reason why you have a bank is because you took our fucking taxes and you threw it back into your system and now everything's spinning and you want to shit out bonuses. What kind of contract do you have where you have a bonus when the bank breaks? It literally breaks. I will say that. president tells all the poor people of this country where the middle class is falling apart, poverty is an all-time level,

47% of all of Detroit's illiterate. I mean, literally, the infrastructure, everything's falling apart. And he's like, I'm going to limit it to a half a million dollars. Like, what? First of all, he can't limit anything. And the other thing is that I think at the end of the day,

I went to Occupy Los Angeles last night. What do you mean you can't limit anything? Well, when you – what banks will say is when you give that money, when you give that tarp money to a bank and they're going to use it for various things, they're using it to operate their business, to keep their business afloat. And the biggest problem was that these banks came to someone like Obama, well, actually,

not to Obama, to Bush at the time. He's the fucking president. He goes to them and says, listen, no bonuses, you fucks. He's not allowed to. He's not allowed to. He wouldn't get away with it.

Change the rule. He wouldn't get away with it. In other words, get away with it with who he's the fucking president. Who's running shit? That tells you. The banks.

Yeah, the banks. The banks were too big to fail, and that's the biggest problem. Oh, that's a philosophy. That's a philosophical issue. It may be, but when you have a bank, when you have a situation where most economists are saying to the president, look, the central nervous system of this economy is going to collapse if you don't. I'm not saying this is good.

I understand the arguments for the bailout. The biggest problem is that these banks weren't dealing with their own money they were they were taking risks with your money that is a huge problem it is a huge problem but that's not my point my point is that you have these giant we bailed them out and we're still giving them bonuses exactly they were they were still doling out bonuses it shows you how blatant it is the way they justified it was this they said if we don't give bonuses... Then those guys will go to other corporations and we'll go under. Yeah, suck my cock.

I will say that the banks have paid back all that money, though, which is pretty impressive. That is pretty crazy. Yeah, they paid it all back. It just shows you how quick they've been stealing left and right. Good deal for the government. Good deal. The government made a lot of interest on that. Did they really?

Yes. So every bank has paid back everything? Every bank has paid... The money's been paid back and they made a lot of interest. So why is the economy fixed? The economy's not fixed, I think, primarily because... It was fake. No, I think that the U.S. is having to compete with China and India and a lot of other countries,

and we are truly becoming a global economy. And I don't think in a lot of ways the U.S. has gotten ready for that. But we're not making anything other than Corvettes. What else do we make that's badass? That's the problem. We make Corvettes and Cadillacs. Our economy actually still is run on ideas although i have a mustang i have to say it's pretty fucking badass well the u.s the u.s um exports ideas the u.s is an ideal economy and

that's a good thing to be yeah we remember most most innovation by a long shot comes out of the united states even the mustang is an idea i have a gt500. On paper, it's a stupid car. It's got a manual transmission with a cue ball for a shifter. It's got a 540 horsepower engine. The tires slide all over the place whenever you hit the gas. Tires slide in second gear all the time. It's a ridiculous car. But it's fun as fuck.

And it's a truly American car. You hear it, the engine, the ridiculousness of it. The excessive nature of it. All of it. And the fun of it. It's got a lot of low-end torque. You know, you hit that low-end torque on a big fucking V8 with a supercharger. You can hear the whine.

The U.S. exports a lot of their ideas and fun. Their culture is fun. Rock and roll. Yeah, but that's not the only reason why our culture is fucked up. Or rather, our financial system is fucked up. It's fucked up because, rock and roll. Yeah, but that's not the only reason why our culture is fucked up, or rather our financial system is fucked up. It's fucked up because of corruption and greed. And what you said earlier, which I always say as well, it should be real clear, one piece of gold equals one donkey.

That's my standard way of bringing it. When you start getting into derivatives and shorting and gambling, I mean, that is Vegas. You're going Vegas on it. You're gambling. But then there's also, but there is room. There is room to leverage. There is room to leverage. There is room for borrowing. There is room for credit.

Borrowing and credit, yes. But why is there room for things like derivatives and shorting? Why do they allow Well, a lot of those derivatives and stuff, back when it was working, a lot of those derivatives and things allowed people to minimize risk so that banks would lend money because they could minimize risk

with derivatives. And as long as that was self-contained, you know, derivatives put a lot of wealth back in the system. I think what happened ultimately was a lot of economists and historians are starting to talk about this was also a function of the rise of the East. It was also a function of the fact that other countries were buying and investing in the U.S. housing market. Think about it. If you have big, big central banks who are saying, we want to buy your housing debt, what happens? That means I can bundle mortgages and sell them at a profit. Guess what?

It makes it a lot cheaper. Now when people get a mortgage, it's worth something. Of course I'm going to lend you a mortgage for no money. I can make money on the mortgage. I can sell it to Germany. And a mortgage, it's worth something. Of course, I'm going to lend you a mortgage for no money. I can make money on the mortgage. I can sell it to Germany. And a lot of it was that. A lot of it was people in this country, a lot of whom you and I know,

who said, I'm going to start treating my house like it's a commodity. Not like it's a place to live, but rather a way to make money. And that was pretty fucking rampant. So a lot of this was human overreaction

to a new set of rules, to a new world. And just fucking human nature. Just greed. And human nature. When they find holes in the system. And Brian, you were saying that you went to Occupy Wall Street? What was that like?

Yeah, it was exactly what I thought it was going to be. What was crazy is that I have these combat boots, like those safari combat boots I bought at a surplus store. So did they think you were a government corruptor? Yeah, I decided to wear them because of that reason. Oh, really? Yeah. I don't know, just for fun. So you wore government-issue boots

so they would think that you're a bad guy. Yeah, just to see what would happen. And so amazingly, I got a parking spot right across the street from it. Yeah, none of them have cars. No, no, it was like this cop car pulled out right when I got there. And so all these people were kind of bored sitting on the lawn staring at me so i come up and there's

like people getting their tits painted and i'm like this is awesome it's good yeah that's good and and then immediately i pull out my phone and this guy comes up right up to me and goes hey man can i have a cigarette like right in my face like like uh he looked like charles manson and i was like oh shit this is uh yeah sure get out of my face you know and then i keep on walking i'm looking at my phone now i'm kind of freaking out a little because i'm by myself and it's it is a little i mean i don't know if you've ever been downtown los angeles it's kind of scary down yeah we filmed a lot of fear factor episodes down there yeah so there was kind of like this element around that area that's like hey there's a new apartment complex opening up for the homeless people type thing. It was because it was like a village.

They had first aid. They had libraries. They had – there's donations coming in that feed like this whole entire block of the state capital building or whatever. Then this other guy kind of was staring at me, and he comes up to me and goes, hey, man, can you check the score for me? I'm like, score for what he goes pittsburgh and i'm like uh i have no idea what he's talking about like i'm like uh so he's asking check it on your phone yeah and people are asking people to google shit yeah yeah so it's not no can i get a cigarette it's not good enough now can you google me the score i don't have a cell phone and the whole time he's like staring my phone down so i

think maybe he saw my government issued bootsued boots and was trying to figure out... Because I had a shaved head, like a military haircut. Oh, really? And wearing the coat from Taxi Driver or whatever. Well, obviously, we had Kevin Pereira from Attack of the Show on here the other day, and we were talking about agent provocateurs, government people who are sent in to break up calm protests

and turn them into violent protests. They can bring them in and fucking arrest everybody. It's a common tactic. It tactic it's smart really they get tired all these fucking hippies and their banjos so this guy's kind of freaks me look out for them yeah I've been impressed with how when I hear the Occupy Wall Street people a lot of them are people who actually educated who just can't find a job yeah yeah they're trying to find that wasn't really the case as much as I thought it would be this was mostly by the way we're not in wall street this is no no no this is a lot of weird yeah

really have a financial i mean it's a small financial district but it's it's not like it's not like yeah i don't even know where you would occupy downtown los angeles it's got clothing companies they go near government buildings so so this guy's like kind of freaking me out like he's like checking me up and down and stuff like that and i'm like all right this is kind of sad that's what you get for trolling i know i know but but then uh my friend who's uh running like the the live stream and all the media coverage of the whole place he called me over and so kind of rescued me and so i go through this like rap uh my friend c hang uh he's a c hung on twitter uh so uh there was a rap battle going going on on stage because there's entertainment throughout the day.

There's speakers. There's local musicians and comics, like Jeffrey Ross. Yeah, I saw Jeff do a set. Yeah. And so it was cool. I sat there and watched this rap concert for a while where people were handing off the mic, and this homeless looking guy was balancing pop cans on his head, like, balancing, like, pop cans on his head while rapping.

I was like, wow, you don't say this every day, you know? So it was like the entertainment value was pretty sweet. Kind of a reason to hang out. Smelled like BO, though, like crazy. And then they took me to the media event where they do all the live interviews and all the media stuff, and it's all, like, generators and solar collectors,

and then there's tons of computers. And then this girl just out of nowhere comes up to my friend c and was like hey i want to donate these laptops and gave her like three laptops and i was like wow this is really badass i need to start occupying burbank outside of best buy or something you know get some shit uh oh brian no but then they took me through the whole thing and it was like drums drum circles there was like it seemed pretty cool and i guess i've never seen a good drum circle never been there where i went fuck this is this place this is a spot to be right now play the drums and if anything it seems like the more i walked around i i did see like the people trying to sit down and

come up with with solutions and ideas so you did see the good part of what's but the majority of it was just like it looked like a bunch of dead heads i don't think i don't think there's anything wrong with that i don't think there's anything wrong with that i think that's just going to be the case no matter what with any sort of a movement but this is a very exciting time man there's never been a time where this many people have got together and had a peaceful demonstration it was me pooping in the shit shitting in the street is not exactly peaceful there's a little bit of violence involved in that but you know they're shitting all over the fucking street you go anywhere near wall street yeah yeah shitting everywhere people are human it smells like human shit everywhere i felt like

such an ass because i had a tin can and there was those those three different colors of trash cans like the green trash the black and the blue oh i'm sitting there going which one is it green is green is grass blue what's blue that, no, it's like water bottles. And this is a can. Is it black? Do I just throw it? So I'm like trying to figure it out. It's color-coded?

They didn't say recycling or garbage? No, it was a green trash can, a blue. Oh, that's ridiculous. I think you're supposed to know the colors. Human shit still bothering you? Yeah. Yeah, there's shit everywhere, man. Well, they have to.

There's a lot of people sleeping there. But people have their kids there and everything. They have porta-potties. This is, yeah. And sometimes we use it. It actually was really clean there. It was really clean. They can't. OK, but again, we're talking their kids there and everything. They had porta-potties. This is, yeah, and sometimes we use them. Actually, it was really clean there. It was really clean.

Okay, but again, we're talking about the Los Angeles one. Los Angeles one is a different animal than the New York one. New York one, man, the videos of the New York one, they're really shocking. It's like a tent. And here's what's really crazy. Wall Street has not only have they donated $4.6 million to the police, but they also started hiring the police something that most people don't know you can hire a police officer for roughly 37 an hour so all these wall

street firms are hiring tons of cops off-duty cops to do uh you know paid work there and they work as a police officer with a real badge and a real gun and the real ability to arrest but they're working for the bank so they're it's So it's a loophole where these are police officers, but they're doing the bidding of the bank. They're working for the bank. They're not like the bank says, hey, police officers, can you organize your own police presence around this area and put as many police officers as you see fit and I guess you guys work for the state

and maybe we'll throw in a picnic for you and we'll help generate some money to pay for all this extra revenue that's going to cost you. It's like Blackwater. They pay them.

They're paying. It's like Blackwater. Blackwater for cops. They're paying the cops. So they tell the cops where to go. It's nine. It's fucking crazy.

I didn't know that was legal. Yes, I think it shouldn't be. But I think Koch, Mayor Koch, came up with that. I think it was in the 90s that they had that. I think the biggest... People have always had that, though. I think the biggest threat facing all of us, as far as this whole situation, talking about this,

I think the real enemy is that we are slowly, or maybe very quickly, losing our representative government. And what I mean by that is that we are slowly or maybe very quickly losing our representative government. And what I mean by that is that this government, and James Madison warned about this, he said the one thing you have to be careful of in a democracy like this is special interests. Because the Constitution says you are allowed to petition your government. That's a constitutional right. It should be a constitutional right. The problem is that our country now is being run by small bands of very energetic, well-financed fanatics. And when you are a representative in the House of Representatives, if you are a congressman, if you are even a senator, but especially a congressman,

you don't do a goddamn thing unless you check with that lobby, unless you check with the people that finance your campaign. And the people that finance your campaign. And the people that have real power in Washington are fundraisers and lobbying groups. Now, James Madison said what's going to happen is these lobbyists will offset each other with their different, and it'll be competing interests and stuff. Hasn't happened. In fact, what seems to be happening is that some of these groups have so much fucking money.

And if you look at Potomac, where they all live, or just Washington area, that is the highest per capita income in the country. Why? Do they produce?