The Joe Rogan Experience - #151 - Josh McDermitt

Episode Date: October 25, 2011

Joe sits down with Josh McDermitt.

Josh McDermott's in the house, freaks! Did you do something different to that music? Does it have like an extra echo in there? Are you sampling your own shit? I'm just fucking around with the mixer. Oh, is that what you did? Did you go DJ on us right there? Ugh, you all hear right now!

Did you go straight Russell Peters on a bitch? Fuck Tesla! Or whatever his name is. You like took a class once at a community college, you're trying to put that to good use? No, who was the guy that he ate? Tesla? The guy who's the huge guy.

Tessie. No, what is that guy's name? Tiesto. Tiesto. Yeah, Tiesto. I was trying to explain him to Mrs. Rogan the other day. We were driving down the highway, and there was this big billboard for this Tiesto guy. Oh, really?

There's a billboard? Oh, dude, I don't think you and I have any idea how big that guy is. I've looked online and watched his concerts where it's like him on a stage and he's got like a bunch of laptops and a bunch of musical equipment and he's like pumping his fist and there's a huge audience of people that are like dancing along to him and i i don't know how many big djs there are like that we'd have to get russell peters back on to explain to us the whole world of djing because russell doesn't like the guy because he says that what he's basically doing is sort of like pressing play on all the computers and then waving his arm up but you know i i've been listening to it because my friends likes it a lot and i've been listening to it and it's you know it's not

bad i i know what russell's saying but it's all about like how you feel when you're listening to it i'll take that any day over and that lma boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, and that LMFO shit, man. I mean, that they just cram down our fucking asses. Is your friend that likes it a girl or a guy? A girl. A girl. But I like that same kind of music, that kind of chillax music.

I like it. Yeah, what he's doing is interesting. I mean, it's not... I understand what Russell's saying. It's sort of like a guy going on stage in a sketch group on stage saying he's a stand-up comic. And you're like, you're not a stand-up comic.

It's still good. I mean, come on, man. You can't deny some sketch shows like In Living Color or some Saturday Night Live sketches. They're fucking brilliant. It's fun to watch. A lot of them suck. I'm not a fan of sketch comedy because there's too much miss to the hit.

It's like for every really good sketch you get on Saturday Night Live, you have to endure some bullshit. I can't do it, man. But Russell saying this dude just pretty much presses play, gets all the music together beforehand or whatever. Yeah, he programs it all. But he's making it pretty badass. I'm not a fan of it.

I never got into it. Maybe I could get into it if I really sat down and listened to it but damn he's got these fucking huge arenas filled with people jumping up and down whatever drug they're on or not you know what if it's an ecstasy situation molly yeah whatever whatever or maybe not maybe it's just they're having a good time you know i don't know but whatever it is for them it it's fucking awesome. You can tell that that music for them is awesome. It might not click for you or me, but you can't say it sucks. And Russell just says he sucks sort of because he's not really a DJ. Russell's a DJ. Remember when Russell was over and he picked up this fucking beat,

like a secondary beat in the back of a song? He said, no, they're also sampling Salt-N-Pepa right here. And we were like, what? Like, play that back again. We had to play it, like, three or four times. And still, we were like uneducated morons trying to, like, test wine with a sommelier. You know? It's like, what?

Well, I would, see, I don't even consider Tashi or Tessa, whatever the guy's. Tiesto. Tiesto. I don't even consider him a DJ. Music. Yeah, electronic music. Yeah, electronic producer. That's a goodiesto. Tiesto. I don't even consider him a DJ. A music creator. Yeah, electronic music. Yeah, electronic producer.

That's a good... Yeah, you're right. I know a few DJs, but I've never heard of this guy. And you said you've seen a billboard? Dude, yeah. He's like Dane Cook of DJs, I guess. Yeah, but way even bigger than Dane was

when Dane was in his prime. This guy is... Tiesto's nationwide, or worldwide, rather. He's huge all over Europe. He's huge. This guy does like 50iesto's nationwide, or worldwide, rather. He's huge all over Europe. He's huge. This guy does like 50,000 seat arenas where people are out there pumping their fists and he's fucking playing records. I mean, there's one thing if the music's good, but I mean, there's like an art to being a

DJ about mixing the stuff right there when you're on stage, being in that moment. But if you're just sitting there pushing play, fuck that. Well, I think a lot of people are looking for cool shit to do when you're fucked up on drugs. Yeah. And when it comes to cool shit to do when you're fucked up on drugs. Yeah. And when it comes to cool shit to do when you're fucked up on drugs, this guy's providing... I just need a place to go sweat. Yeah.

It's like a laser show. Yeah, dude. If you're on Ecstasy and you go to one of his shows, first of all, you're going to be sure there's going to be a lot of other people on Ecstasy, too. I mean, it's electronic music and everyone's dancing and everyone's drinking. Come on. There's going to be ecstasy everywhere. So if that's the case, this guy's really providing this fucking cool symbiotic service with people that are tripping on ecstasy.

He creates the full experience. You know that he's going to draw them all in. They're all going to come to him because they know what he does. So you're going to have your like-minded people there that you're going to want to meet up at the Tiesto concert. And then everybody just fucking dances and he puts on a show and and you're blitzed out of your fucking head and you know it's gonna last for four hours it's perfect so he's like the dane cook of djs where he he's mixing songs and to just really get that extra punch he just does a leg kick or something i think he goes home at the end of every show and email scene he does that he goes

home and emails everybody who came to his show there's a new sample yeah great yeah dane would really do that you know yeah he's a machine dane is uh he's a fiend as far as like emailing people it's really i poke fun but i mean it's the guy did it you know the way he did it oh yeah and it worked yeah there's no no one else has ever become famous from the internet the way dane cook did it was really truly spectacular you know what he what he did he wrote like his comedy or not what he did as far as like marketing himself was fucking genius sure you know and dane had some good bits over the year dane just you know i like dane he's not a bad dude he's just he he lost his way a little bit there in the great tide

of wanting to be famous and wanting to be a big comedian. You know? But I think he's paid for it. You know? I think he's paid for it a lot. His latest album,

his blues stuff, I guess, what's it called, where he was like raw on stage and it was just filmed one take. I think it was called An Intimate Evening or something like that.

The whole shit, the whole, it was at Bon Jovi. The whole episode was filmed one take. Slickery was called An Intimate Evening or something. Yeah. The whole episode was filmed one take. Slick, rick, and wick. I love that shit. Yeah, that was great. It was good. It was good.

It was good stuff. And that was sort of like a retribution thing for him. You know, he hasn't done stand-up in a long time. I ran into him at the Warriors premiere. Let me just name drop real quick. I go to the ground there. You're my movie premier's dog. You know, I've been to like four i haven't been to four movies in 20 fucking years i've lived out here but uh my friend was in brian

callen who's here yesterday was in warrior and i saw i met him there is that that came out warriors yeah yeah was it good yeah it was pretty good but anyway dane said when i met him there that he hadn't done stand-up in six months. Good grief. Yeah. I saw him when he was working on that blue stuff. Was that what his album was about? Yeah.

All that kind of raw stuff? I didn't like it. You didn't? Really? Yeah. I mean, he's one of those guys that I think I heard his stand-up first back when he was on top of the world. And I was like, nah, I don't really know. And then I saw him live and I was like, oh, I get it.

I see why people love this. And then I went back and heard the bits and it was like no i don't i don't really know and then i saw him live and i was like oh i get it i see why people love this and then i went back and heard the bits and it was great but having never heard him or or uh seen him live i don't know how people can understand his jokes because he's so freaking physical yeah some of it is uh it's hard but some of it the earlier stuff wasn't nearly as physical like so there's some stuff i've heard his stuff on like sirius satellite radio and it translates yeah okay i mean it's just different bits you know but yeah you know for a while he was getting like super crazy physical with shit but he's also doing 15 000 fucking scene arenas yeah you gotta get big you gotta get big but this was at like an improv where you know there's like there were like 150 people yeah he was preparing for it he does those theaters in the round too

which is interesting i've only done that a couple of times. Or like the stage spins. Yeah, yeah. I did it in Phoenix. Celebrity theater. Yeah, I've done it twice in Phoenix. In Phoenix it's interesting because that celebrity theater is this big circle and that's where

Cat Williams got in trouble with that dude where the guy was like fuck America. And he was like fuck America sir remember that that whole thing and everybody was mad at him for telling this Mexican guy that how great America was and shit he leaves stories when he goes to cities we're just an Ontario doing comedy and they've got like one guy's like oh he pulled a gun on him and the other guy's like oh no that's not true what the fuck are you yeah we had a cross-reference. We had to bring people in together.

Clark, who's the guy who runs the place, I go, did Cat Williams put a gun on you? And he's like, no, he didn't put a gun on me. It got crazy. And then we had to go back to the first. Oh, that's what I heard. I go, you can't just go saying a guy pulled a gun on somebody, man.

How awesome is Cat, man? Just going around. Yeah, that's fucking badass. I want to hear the stories I haven't heard yet from like Dayton, Ohio where he fucking, you know, ate a guy's ass out or something.

What? With Brian Callen, you know. Are you just making stuff up now? Yeah. Are you just making stuff up, you silly fuck? No, but there has to be stories that just never made it to TMZ.

I was in the weed store once. I was in the weed store once and Cat Williams' assistant came in and she announced herself. I'm Cat Williams' assistant. I'm Cat Williams' assistant. I'm Kat Williams' assistant. I'm here to pick up his weed.

She was getting weed for Kat Williams. Welcome to America. Welcome to California where your assistant can go to a weed shop and just announce. Now when you go in there you announce yourself. Make sure you get your proper respect. Get your propers, girl. So yeah, it was interesting.

But anyway, that's Theater in the Round. That's a smaller place, the one where Cat was at. I've been at that place. It's like 2,500 seats. Dane's doing that shit where there's like 18,000 people in a circle. Yeah, it's insane. Like, what is that? That's so bizarre.

People eat that shit up, but it's like, really? It's so cult of personality when it when it was really hitting what people didn't like about it what a lot of comics were upset about the true reason is that he had packed somehow another tapped into this boy band thing so he hit this boy band energy with comedy like this big boy band energy like no one had ever done before like backstreet boys shit where girls would go and fucking scream to meet Dane Cook. And he hit that somehow or another. He tuned into that frequency for a little while.

And I don't know how the fuck he did it. He just was the perfect energy and the perfect planning. I mean, you've got to give the guys props for figuring that all out. But that's what bothered comedians, is they knew that there was this boy band thing going on. It was almost gimmicky, but without it being gimmicky. But he did it all out. But that's what bothered comedians. They knew that there was this boy band thing going on. It was almost gimmicky, but without it being gimmicky. But he did it all himself. It's not like Dick Clark Productions put together some comedian

and taught him how to dress and then foisted him onto the American public like what happens with a lot of music acts. They construct them. It's funny how it's so open in the music community. Our friend Eddie Bravo has had a whole bunch of looks throughout his, like, music career, whether it's long hair, whether it's, you know, it's funny how, like, people, like, in the music industry, it's like, you know, this is our band, and we only wear leather when we take pictures. You know, it's like the idea of, like, projecting an image. Yeah. You know, it's very much just accepted.

It's funny how a lot of them overuse the same looks. They all use the same photographers to make album covers. A lot of them are all similar. I was looking at some unknown bands recently, and I was looking at their promo shots, their head shots, and they're all sitting in windowsills outside of factories, looking off at each other backwards. And there's always the one singer that's looking down at his shoes. Yeah, he's on the railroad tracks. How many fucking people who are supposed to be moody

have taken pictures by the railroad tracks? Right. Jesus Christ, we get it. You're just going to get on that train and ride out of nowhere, aren't you? You're just going to disappear on us. You're such a crazy rebel. At any moment, you're going to light a cigarette, take a puff, and hop on the train.

You're nuts, man. Yeah, those album covers, dude, you could put a whole blog site together of just every asshole who's ever done that, one looking away and all that. All sitting in windowsills. And guess what? The dude who's kneeling in the front,

he does not want to be kneeling. He wants to be standing up, just like the singer. But the singer says, I'm going to think I should be He wants to be standing up just like the singer. Yeah. But the singer says, no, I'm going to think I should be the only one who stands up since I'm the only one who talks. Yeah. Yeah. You're the tambourine player, man.

Yeah. So the tambourine player's got to take this like gangster slouch. People aren't going to take me seriously in this band unless I get down. Yeah. And if you're a tambourine player, you have to have like thumb rings and shit. You have to wear rings on your thumb. Yeah. You have to be extra cool.

You know? Like those banjo players that have like a little pick on every finger you ever see that that's what they do yeah yeah they look like they have claws like they have talons yeah they have those weird ones that like that connect to their fingertips like yeah like metal kitty cat claws and they all they all have that piercing from the belly button that goes down to like their nipples and stuff for a lot of musicians it really is like trying to get you to notice them there's like four other guys on stage sweating it out i'm just standing here with this fucking bass i need something shiny yeah i need something shiny you know they figured kiss figured it out the best just have a whole fucking character show.

Have a show. Everyone's wearing makeup. You're blowing fire into the crowd. Yeah, it's the same makeup, too. It's not like a mixture. I mean, pretty much, it's just black and white. And I can't tell the difference of who they are with their makeup on. I've been to a lot of concerts in my life.

The greatest concert I've ever been to ever was a Kiss concert. I've been to a bunch of KISS concerts. Because my uncle used to work for KISS in the early 70s. So I was a little kid. I was like, fuck. I was like maybe six years old the first time I met Ace Frehley. Was this like your first concert or just the best concert? It just happened to be when you were five or six years old.

Well, no. Just, you know, those. And then I saw them again with Kevin James. Kevin James is a big Kiss freak, too. And he and I went to see them two nights in a row in the 90s when they made that comeback tour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was before neither one of us.

I think maybe I had just gotten on news radio, and nobody knew who Kevin was yet. And we went to see Kiss. Two nights in a fucking row we went to see it. That's great. It was awesome. That's good. It's fun to see a band consecutively

like that. This is how they change up the show. They came back too. This was the real Kiss. It was like Peter Criss and Ace Frehley were with them, which had never happened for years. The band had broken up and there was this Vinnie Vincent guy and a bunch of other guys that came in but essentially the

only two guys that were constant were Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley Yeah, and then this was like the big tour of having back again. It was just so fun It's like it's so much there's so much involved as like nostalgia because these songs are like, you know They're singing songs from you know, Detroit Rock City this thing in songs from like 40 fucking years ago or whatever It was you know that the time 30 years yeah and they're they're still they're not fat yet they're still wearing makeup and they're dancing around like they look like they're still their characters it's where it works you know they really still can put on a fucking good

show so there's so it was so much involved you know sad how they all died in that plane crash what gene simmons is getting married have you seen that shit yeah yeah how long was he with his Who's going to be his wife? 28 years or something crazy Lindsay Lohan's going to be in Playboy For a million dollars Yes Who pays for this? Hugh

It should be just like Dude Someone needs to set him aside And be like look No one cares about that At all This is sort of I don't think you're right though

I think this is sort of the model That he's based his entire career on. It's like, do something sensational. A broken woman though? You won't. Who wants to see a broken woman? Everybody wants to see

a broken woman's asshole. Yeah, if she's naked, we'll put her down. Yeah, if I can just see her asshole, just the hint of it. In the distance,

but mostly concentrating on the vagina. Even if the vagina lips are closed, which I accept with Playboy. You have to accept. You have to accept they won't get all gynecological. Right. I britney britney's asshole britney spears yeah over lindsey i would like to see lindsey lohan photographed drunk that's what i want to say i want to see real drunk not fake drunk real drunk oh when she goes nude really yeah that's what i would be really

no i'd be really interested in those photos i I'd be really interested. If you could get photos of her in her element, obviously, look, I have nothing against Lindsay Lohan. She seems like a girl who's just looking to have fun. She seems like a girl who, yeah, maybe she's partying a little bit, but you know what? Guess what? It probably wasn't too fucking easy growing up on the Mickey Mouse Club and being in the fucking limelight when you were a child

and all your developmental years. And with your parents. Yeah, people are taking fucking photos of you all your developmental years. And with your parents. Yeah. People are taking fucking photos of you all the time. Your dad's fucking nuts. To me, she looks like a girl who's just having a good time. I want to see the... If she's going to take pictures naked, it should be while she's having a good time.

With the ankle bracelet on. She should get high. She should get high. She should do a bump, drink a couple of shots, and then show me your pussy. Let's see what's up. Those should be the pictures, the Lindsay Lohan pictures that we get. I don't want to see that airbrush cropped out bullshit where

she's pretending to get on a fucking polo pony right now and her ass just happens to be hanging out of her pants yeah but this is a i mean obviously a total pr move so people who are kind of managing the pr this won't ever let that happen and that's disappointing yeah those dummies they don't know what they're doing. They're doing it the wrong way. What they should do is embrace it. You should embrace what you are. That's what brought you to the dance.

Lindsay Lohan, there's nothing wrong with that girl. She's a freak. She's a freak. She's not hurting anybody. She's not out there clawing people's fucking eyes out. She's just getting fucked up. She's got millions of dollars. She's 24 years old. What do you want her to do? You want her to take yoga classes?

Not everybody's going to be fucking Mother Teresa. This girl ain't bad. She's just out there probably sucking some dicks, getting coked up, getting fingered in the bathroom. She's putting it together. She's putting together an exciting little life. Enjoying her 20s.

See when I asked her if she wanted to fart in the kiddie fart cup when I asked her? No. You fart in the kitty fart cup when I asked her no you asked her you actually at you harassed her what a piece of shit you are bro no no poor girl it's pretty awesome okay you're gonna like this all right if it works and Brian here we go Brian. Here we go. Hey, Lindsay. Lindsay.

Oh, my God. Lindsay, have you ever farted in a cup and put it in a cat's face just to see its reaction? Hey, Lindsay. Disgusting. Stop it. What about a puppy? Oh, Brian. That's not really true.

You added all that shit in after the fact. No, I did not. Yes, you did. You told me about this. You're crazy. You're playing me back something. You already told me how you did. You knucklehead. You just ruined the joke for everybody.

You ruined the joke for everybody. You tried to pull it over my eyes. You made me watch that gag you did from four fucking years ago that wasn't even real. It's real. Let me tell you what he did, ladies and gentlemen. He added his audio into the previous audio of Lindsay Lohan. This is a fucking fraud. You're perpetrating on the American people.

What a cock blocker. It's fine. It's fine and it's funny, but you already did the bit. No, I've never did it on the podcast. No, but you did it to Joe. Oh, yeah, yeah. I was doing it to America. I knew.

Disrespectful, man. Yeah, you fucking tried to trick me, man. The good thing is that people think that's real. The good thing is they don't now. The really good thing is they don't now. Until you ruined it. I ruined it. I wanted to know what Lindsay Lohan thinks about that video.

I think that would be hilarious to see yourself go, did somebody really ask me that? It's a stupid question. She probably thought it was a stupid question. It's got 7,000 views. There's a chance she's seen it yeah man that's practically everybody that's how youtube's gonna make you a partner there's some fucking videos some videos online you look at you go whoa how many i finally started watching zeitgeist there's a new zeitgeist film

that everybody tells you you have to watch so i finally started watching it i looked down the views 11 million views right and when was it uploaded do you know how fast that came good question because that stuff i mean there's like a formula almost i got a couple buddies who are like youtube partners and they just i mean it's it's ridiculous once people start subscribing to you they'll just watch anything and they just throw up shit it doesn't matter just because they need to put more content out there and it's ridiculous. Once people start subscribing to you, they'll just watch anything. They just throw up shit. It doesn't matter just because they need to put more content out there. That part of it suffers, which sucks. Dude, it was only uploaded in January of 2011. So I guess it's been around for, what is that, six months?

February, March? Yeah, but when did you watch this? A couple months ago? The secret is black woman on toilet equals 38 million hits. Black woman on toilet equals 38 million hits? Yeah. No.

Was that the woman who was like smacking her lips and singing some... Black woman on toilet. Oh my God. Crazy, DeSiggy type black woman.

Sitting on the toilet. Yeah. Sitting on the toilet. Sitting on the toilet. Sitting on the toilet. And this woman looks like answer my mother's got a bandana on her head and she's morbidly obese and wow I think she really is sitting on the toilet, too, which is cool. Well, yeah. It's not funny.

Wow, this is so strange. This is one of those things. Oh, what about wiping? What about wiping, you dirty bitch? I had a buddy who sent me that, and I watched about 10 seconds of it and this chick's like trying too hard to be viral and I'm pissed that she became viral really viral 38 million people man

if she would have sped up her voice like times 2 that would have made 80 million hits could you imagine that that's all you have to do is sit on a toilet sit on a toilet that's what you do and if you were an alien and you were from another planet and you were evaluating earth and whether or not the earthlings should be allowed to move forward

you would look at things like this and you would go uh wait a minute what the fuck they probably wasted all their resources let's move on i might get one of the uh real housewives of beverly hills chicks to come on this podcast which one mrs rogan is uh friends with with one of them. I can't say until she says yes, but that would be fascinating too because there's another perfect example. I need to start watching it. Is that a good show, Joe? It's fucking, it's uncomfortable.

Is it filling your open gap? It is uncomfortable. It's awkward. They get very uncomfortable. Yeah, and it's real gross, man. The level of behavior, especially the Beverly Hills one, is real gross. They're The level of behavior, especially the Beverly Hills one, is real gross.

They're just disgusting human beings. These women are foul. I haven't seen this new season. Have you been watching it this season? I just watched one episode, the one that Mrs. Rogan's friend's in, and they are so fucking cunty. Yeah. These women are ugly and doing drugs.

This girl keeps running to're ugly and doing drugs this girl keeps running to the bathroom and doing drugs and she's coming out and they're they're mean to this pretty girl and they're mean to this pretty girl for no reason i mean right she doesn't do a damn thing and they think it's hilarious yeah they're being mean to her you know why because when you're a woman and if you're you're an unattractive woman and another woman is really attractive, all of a sudden it's like she stole something from you. It's like she has this magical power just to some fucking roll the dice and so they feel like it's okay to be cunty to them

because the woman actually makes them feel like we're already at a deficit before the conversation even starts. They feel uncomfortable. So they don't feel bad about turning that uncomfortable feeling on the girl for no reason at all. Right.

Just for the girl being pretty. And it's crazy to watch, man. It's crazy to watch these really low-level human beings. Yeah. Like low-level thinking. It's catty. Yeah, it's catty. But it's worse than catty.

It's just disgusting. All they're worried about is who's fucking who, and whose bag is who wearing, and where did you get your shoes, and ugh. Yeah. And they're monsters, man.'re just just retard monsters i watched all of last season and i don't know why but oh i uh did you feel like did you see the guy committing suicide coming did you see that coming no but he was a little weird he was just kind of off and the way his wife would describe him she was saying like oh he's a manly man and he's like a cowboy and he's just muscular and all this shit.

He just looks like a dude who sits in a cubicle. I mean, I know he didn't, but he looks like he's never been in the gym in his life. But, you know, it wasn't like a fat tub of shit, but he was just all right. And I was just like, this woman has blinders on, you know? Yeah, well, I think some people, you know, they sit down, they go, well, how are you going to talk about me? Well, I'm going to say that, you know, you're the most beautiful woman on earth. That's a good point. I go, well, how are you going to talk about me? Well, I'm going to say that, you know, you're the most beautiful woman on earth. That's a good point.

The love of my life. How are you going to talk about me? Well, I'm going to say that you're a manly man. Until people meet you and they're like, you're like a cowboy and you pull bulls down by their balls. That was even a plot point in one of the episodes. They were like, wait, she described him as like this manly cowboy and he's just like a balding piece of shit.

Yeah, you know what? The producers were probably smacking their lips when that came out. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good way to describe him. Good way to describe him. I like the way you think. We've met this guy.

Make sure this gets to the editing room fast. And if there's any words that slur, just make her do it again. Just do it again. Oh, she had like major, major Botox, dude. I don't think it's a Botox. I think it's actually an implant, unfortunately. Oh, really? Well, she was constantly going in and getting more plastic surgery done, like little touch-ups

and stuff. Oh, so sad. And she just looks ridiculous. Yeah, they start fucking with her face, man. And it's way better to look old than to look crazy. Yeah. And women don't want to accept that, but there's... I know women... They need to stop. It's freaking me to stop i know women that have become monsters i mean literally become

monsters i've seen them become monsters i've seen their their them change from this very nice older woman you know it's just accepting the fact that she's you know entering her 40s or 50s or whatever and this is just life the cycle of life for all of us there's other things to concentrate other than that and instead they just whack their face out man i mean whack it out with like fillers so their cheeks stick out right and then they get they get their noses changed and their eyes pulled back and whoa the duck lips freak you the fuck out they're like what are you doing what is this it's almost like people thought that because you were allowed to have duck lip tits,

those, those fucking stupid tits were not only like, they were encouraged, like, nobody, nobody went, you know,

you ridiculous bitch, but if you go duck lips on the lips, then we go get out of here. You can't go super balloons. You can go super balloons on the tits, but you can't go super balloons you can go super balloons on the tits but you can't go super balloons on the lips people people drew a line there like this is

creepy yeah right to tits i can go with it's past the point of being funny and it's just sad yeah and ridiculous it's gross but it's it's more disturbing like for whatever reason fake breasts don't bother me nearly as much as fake lips fake breasts seem like yeah i see what you did there and you know you wanted the bigger ones and okay cool that's cool but fake lips. Fake breasts seem like, yeah, I see what you did there and you wanted bigger ones. Okay, cool. That's cool. But fake lips are like, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's your fucking mouth, man.

You're jabbing some shit into where you kiss and eat to change the shape of it. Do you look at the before and afters? Does anybody look better with that shit? Especially the eyebrows when they start fucking with the eyebrows too. People that shave too much also

and then there's people that get those tattoos. At least your eyebrows grow back. That doesn't bother me. start fucking with the eyebrows, too. Like, people that shave too much, also. And then there's people that get those tattoos. At least your eyebrows grow back. That doesn't bother me. No, but the tattoos. Have you seen the tattoos? Oh, where they tattoo their eyes? Where they tattoo the eyebrows in? I would rather not have.

They do permanent makeup, too, with a tattoo, like, eyeshadow on and shit like that. I don't like that. That shit's weird, too. You meet them and they're like. That's like a phase. Tattooed clown person. Yeah. That's a commitment, man. who's got bits about tattooing

your face doesn't one of our friends have a bit about tattooing your face um is it tebe does team have a bit about tattoos on his face oh tom segura yeah segura has bits about guys with tattoos on their face one of the guys on our board it's a stupid fucking picture but it makes me laugh every time I see it. This guy, Anon, on the message board, he has this photo of a dude who had tattooed on his lip, Pussy Eater. Oh, I hate it. And it's a mugshot of this guy. I hate that. A mugshot of this guy.

And he's got Pussy Eater tattooed on his lip. Can you imagine being not caring that much? I could. Oh, he cares, cares man that's why he did it this guy doesn't not care no i mean just it's abuse bro somebody abused that kid for sure yeah that's a kid that grew up in a terrible environment that's what that is i got a buddy who's got a uh you know those name tags that say like hi my name is tom or whatever his tattoo his chest he tattooed that on his chest when he was drunk in mexico and so it was that and it says hi my name is dildotron but here's the best part the the mexican dude giving him the tattoo misspelled dildotron so

it just says dillotron no you had to go back and get it fixed. Oh, that's hilarious. That's so beautiful. That's so beautiful. That's ridiculous, man. That's so much better that way. That's so much better. There's some hilarious misspelled tattoos online. If you want to just laugh your fucking ass off, just go and look at some of the shit that people have misspelled on tattoos.

It's like, my God. Fuck, man. Do you just not care at all? Do you not double check? Like, I'm pretty sure it's how it's like my god fuck man do you just not care at all do you not double check like i'm pretty sure it's how it's spelled but let me check real quick that's why you just try not to get any writing just do that you can't f up a design like that will you could always say oh well that no that octopus is supposed to have nine tentacles well especially if you do like tibetan language like i have a friend who has this big tibetan piece across his stomach like come on son you can't read tibetan you don't know what the fuck that says who knows what that really says that can say some ridiculous shit like what does yours say you you

you had a tattoo you thought it said brian yeah i thought it was the letter r and i found out it meant uh flowing water or waterfalls and he blames that for his frequent crying fits and that tattoo i have my under my lip right here i thought it said you know my last name and it says come bucket are you doing bits that was a bit that was a bit he felt like he was setting us up there uh yeah it's twice today twice twice twice today brian you try to sneak something in there's a there's a porn star that has the the word come bucket and that's what i was thinking about it because i she had a twitter the other day and she was looking at like her lips and i said come back poor girl that's disgusting that's sad i guess some girls just say all right you want to play slut all right i'm gonna play super slut

right they just take it out out slut each other yeah like when you watch those gangbang scenes you watch a gangbang scene and like you know they get together and they go all right how many want to do all right what's we're gonna do 300 today and they'll do a 300 man gangbang and then another girl go that bitch she did 300 oh fuck her i'm gonna do 150 more and so she'll do fucking 450 and then some crazy bitch does 600 but that's what they do they just out slut each other they get they instead since they can't be pure and loved and they can't be accepted for who they are, instead they just go deep, deep into the slut barrel. You know Brad Williams? Yeah.

He was dating the little guy. He was telling me that he had been fucking this porn star for a while. And this is going on for two years or something. And then she comes to him and says, listen, we've got to stop. And this and that. I'm getting out of the business. And he's like, oh, is that just what you do? When you stop, you just don't want to do it?

And she goes, well, I want to be faithful to my husband. This whole time you've been having this two-year affair with this porn star, I didn't even know. Whoa. God. Maybe I shouldn't have said his name. Whoopsies. Shitsky. Wow, I shouldn't have said his name. Whoopsies. Shitsky.

Wow, I didn't know But like these chicks, these chicks just, you know, it goes back into, you know, I'm going to fuck 150 more guys. I'm going to go fuck dwarfs or whatever, you know? Well, you know, I mean, I'm a shitty armchair psychologist, you know,

and when I break down porn stars and like, well, why does a person do this? Why does a person do that? There's a lot of different reasons. Some of them are really nice. Dana DeArmond, she's really nice. Jenna Jameson's really nice. They're really nice people.

I can't help but especially since I have daughters of my own, whenever I see something like that, there's this weird part of me that has to do the math. I can't just watch a girl with a dick in her mouth and one in her asshole and one in her vagina. I can't go, wow, that must be crazy. This bitch is just letting go. It's wild.

I have to do the math. My head has to go back to puberty. It has to go back to childhood. It has to go, what the fuck happened to you? You're expressing yourself this way with your body. Or you just really like fucking sex. Like a lot. It feels so good and you just gave up.

You're like, you know what? Fuck it. I like the fuck. It is possible. But you know what? All varieties of behavior are possible, I guess. I mean, Dana supposedly, friends with her family, nothing's ever happened to her. She's just a good example.

Dana Deamer. She's a very strange girl. She did a gangbang scene and afterwards she was so happy about it that she was crying. It was an awesome video. Just the trailer alone. Totally legit. She's just crying because she accomplished

Yeah, it was just like, it was an awesome scene. I just want to let everyone know that I love them. I love them all. And it's like, whoa. Like, for everybody else, you're watching, you go, wow, what the fuck? But she's nice. She's a nice person. She's badass.

Did it bring a tear to your eye because you know her? No, not quite. Happy for her. It's one of those Arsenio Hall, things that make you go, hmm. Things that make you go, hmm. Things that make you go, hmm. You remember that was a song for a while, things that make you go, hmm. C&C Music Factory, is that who it was? Yeah, I wonder if they took that from Arsenio Hall.

I think it was. I think it was the whole, I think it was. They ripped him off? It was either or, the other backwards. It could have just been like a. It was at that same time period. A cultural thing, like a phrase that people that black people said or whatever in that time. Arsenio Hall should have never fell off like that.

I would have loved to see that guy continue his talk show ways like Jay Leno's done, like everybody else has done. I like the Arsenio Hall show. It's fun. Yeah, me too. Yeah, it was great. He's a nice fucking guy. He lives in, well, I don't want to say where he lives,

but I've run into him a bunch of times. He's always super friendly. I keep hearing lives in Well I don't want to say Where he lives But I've run into him A bunch of times He's always super friendly I keep hearing He's trying to make a comeback Or something And then I never hear Anything about it

Anytime I hear his name It's always trying to get Things in order Because he's going to do A comeback And then you just Don't hear anything Well he was doing

Stand up for a while You know He came to the comedy store A bunch of times Do you remember He came to a comedy store Yeah Well we saw him

At the comedy magic club We hung out with him In the green room. Yeah. Really? Yeah, it was like maybe two years ago, three years ago. Really? Yeah.

He's a great guy. Either way. He's, I don't know, how the fuck do we get onto him? Oh, things make you go home. It's called dead air, folks. Smell that shit. Do you remember how they used to portray Arsenio Hodo on Saturday Night Live with that really long finger? He had this creepy long finger.

I don't remember that. I remember that. Was that Saturday Night Live? Yeah, I think it was Saturday Night Live. That's hilarious. No, it was in Living Color. Oh, yeah. Did you hear about this high school drug bust that they pulled today?

Oh, I saw you tweeted that, but I didn't get a chance to look at it. Fucking ridiculous. One of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard in my life. They told these kids that it's in Connecticut, in Walcott, Connecticut. Did this happen today? No, I'm sorry. They were reporting it today. It happened last week.

Oh, okay. So they say over the loudspeaker that an intruder has entered the building. They think it's a shooter. They imply that they think that there's some armed person who has entered the building they think it's a shooter you know they they imply that they think that there's some armed person who has entered the building that everyone needs to get into a corner and huddle up and then they go through the fucking high school with drug sniffing dogs looking for pot that's ridiculous so they scared these fucking kids into thinking that there was a shooter in their building now they

don't know the history of any of these people what if one of these kids was related to someone who got shot at columbine right or many of those other school shootings and you're going to give some horrible trauma to some fucking kid who remembers their uncle mike who got shot in the fucking head why would they do that then because they're cunts because morons run the school systems in walcott connecticut so they send dogs through the fucking hallways. They find no drugs, by the way. They find nothing. Obviously.

Meanwhile, these fucking kids now are going to think, oh, they're willing to lie to us for a shit reason. They're not even going to ask us, do you have drugs, and then search the school unexpectedly. Instead of doing that, what they're going to do is lie to us about a fucking shooter, about an armed intruder, get us terrified. Now now how the fuck are you ever going to believe them if they come on the loudspeaker again and say an armed intruder has entered into this tool yeah fuck you what if

it really was an armed intruder god damn fuck you yeah you're right fuck you when i was in high school there were like you know it's probably more today but like 10 dudes you knew did you know did did pot and stuff and that was it it's like i'm sure most high schools are like that like you know who the fucking potheads are just like corner them or something you don't have to lie to the entire school freak everyone out you don't have to lie to them either if you want to search the fucking school search the school tell the kids to sit the fuck down and put the dogs in the hallway and you know make sure you have the dogs on leash you fucking sav, so no little kids get bitten.

But this is cunt behavior. Did they talk about whose idea it was, like the superintendent or the principal? I mean, there should be multiple firings for this. Firings? They should go to jail. You guys are criminals. You're criminals, and you're fucking up a kid's brain. You're going to make kids think that cops are idiots.

You're going to make kids think that cops are willing to lie to you to find out if someone's smoking a fucking joint. It's a high school. Jesus fucking Christ. How are you raising your 15, 16, and 17-year-old kids? Do you not talk to them? Yeah. Yeah, you do.

You fucking talk to them at that age. They're fucking teenagers, man. They're a lot fucking smarter than you think. What you don't do is lie to them and say there's a fucking shooter in the building. That's just so bad. That's so stupid. Walcott Police Department, you cunts. You dumb, dumb, dumb cunts.

Did you fucking think this shit through at all it's just one of the things where it makes you just really realize that there's no special qualifications to be in charge of a situation like this yeah to be that guy who comes up with that shitty fucking idea and then implements it without anybody stopping him right damn how the fuck do you trust them you morons yeah how did not one teacher go wait whoa what the fuck are we doing not one did not one cop go, what? Yeah. What? I mean, I know cops just want to keep their fucking job

and keep their fucking pension, but when your boss tells you that, you got to be like, Jesus Christ, we're going to bring dogs to the fucking high school and you're going to tell them that there's a shooter? Well, I mean, it's doubtful, but maybe the cops didn't know. Maybe they said, you just get the kids off in one area

and we'll come through with the... Yeah, yeah, yeah. There might be more to that story. Like the cops had no idea what they were doing. You know, like they were just like, what? There's a gun? Really? This is the exact...

No. A school administrator announced over the public address system that a dangerous intruder had entered the school and that all students were to remain in their classrooms away from windows and ideally huddled in one corner of the room. They had the kids huddle in fear huddled in one corner of the room. They had the kids huddle in fear. Huddle in one corner of the room for nothing, for our fake drill. Because I'm a fucking moron cop in Walcott, Connecticut.

And I think I'm smarter than people because they have to listen to me. Because I have a badge. And because they operate under a system of law. These fucks, these fucking cops when they get into these situations, man, they start thinking they're better than regular people. They start thinking they can tell you what to do.

Well, we'll just tell them there's an intruder. That's why you're the boss. Always with the great ideas. Chief, how do we get all these kids to huddle in the corner, terrified in fear? Well, tell them there's an armed intruder. Well, that's why you get all the big tax dollars. We're paying this guy.

We're paying this cunt to lie to our kids. You fucking dummy. What a disaster of a human being. Chief, I got the day off. You need me to come in? Yeah, yeah, come down. We're going to scare the shit out of some kids. We're going to show up with dogs.

We're going to look for joints. You fucking cunts. You just useless cunts. It sounded like it was coke. If it was coke, it'd be okay. Even if it was coke, man, look, all of it, anything, even pot. If there's pot going around the school, you've got to find out where the fuck a pot's coming from. Kids, 14-year-olds, it'd be a lot harder than it is to get pot.

I agree with that. I don't think kids should be high all through fucking high school. It could ruin you. It could ruin your motivation. You're not developed yet. You're not fully a human being yet. But there's ways to handle it that don't get kids terrified of jackboot thugs for the rest of their fucking lives and lies,

the lies that the people that are in control are going to tell you no matter what. You're always going to question. Those kids that experience this will always question any official announcement now forever. Right. It's impossible for them not to. Right. And they'll have this story forever. They will laugh about this story.

They should sue the fuck out of those people. Yeah. And I know it's a down economy. And I know that there's no money. But this is shit worth suing over, not the frivolous lawsuits you get all the time. This is worth suing over. If that was my kids, I would fuck yeah, I would sue. I would sue the fuck out of that police department.

And I love cops. It's not the cops themselves. I know this is the work of one dummy. You need to find that dummy. You need to find that dummy. You need to move him to Siberia. I thought he was going to win an award or something for some sort of drug task force bullshit. Using my noodle.

Using my noggin there, Josh McDermott. I came up with a great idea. School shooter. A fake school shooter. Everybody scared of a fake school shooter. This fucking idiot. Running around running a police department filled with grown men with guns. And this is what he tells him to do.

What a piece of shit. You dumb fuck. I wish I knew your name. They don't list the name. How could they not list the name? You can get better, officer. What you need to do is do mushrooms. What you need to do, officer, is just get alone.

In the woods is good. As long as you know there's no bears. You're not going to be freaking out while you're in the middle of your peak. Just do some mushrooms, man. Find yourself. Find how bad this idea was. And if you're not going to be freaking out while you're in the middle of your peak right just do some mushrooms man find yourself find how bad this idea was and if you're scared of mushrooms eat one of those pot brownies that you confiscate if you're not if you're not prepared eat eat two or three pot brownies if you're not prepared that's just as bad as doing mushrooms they'll they'll introduce you to your flaws you know they have to to eat those already

right i'm sure if they do a drug bust they're probably just going to burn all that weed or like dispose of it in one way but if it's a hot brownie yeah yeah i mean they're going to be munching on that on the way home well you can obviously you can just say it's a brownie you know it doesn't look like contraband right what's that that's brownie my wife packed with my lunch there yeah just fucking brownie did you ever ever hear that video of the cops that called 911 because they had stolen some pot brownies from this kid and ate them? I guess they stole a pot and then cooked them into brownies and then ate the brownies.

And I think that's the story. Either way, the most important part was they were calling 911. They were cops, and they're calling 911. They're like, I think we're going back in time. I don't think I'm really – I think I might already be dead. Like, they were thinking they were already dead. Like, they were so high that they were like, oh, my God, I've passed into the great beyond and I'm just starting to realize it.

So they were calling essentially the 911 in the great beyond. Right. They were calling as cops. Hilarious. That is so funny. Yeah. This cop needs to party with those people. Yeah, right?

Just get your shit together, dude. What the fuck are you doing, man? I'm in war right now with Wikipedia. What? Yeah. It's impossible. There's been so many people that have tried to make me a Wikipedia page, and then it gets canceled because it says I'm not important enough,

which I agree. That's fine. But then you look who else is on there, and you're like, wait, this person's on there because they were a porn star for a month. Or this person... It's like a dictatorship over there, man. It's so fucked up, right?

Yeah, bothersome. Well, there's all this controversy about these people that kind of are like the head editors. And no one... Everyone can edit Wikipedia, so it's all about the people. But it's moderator yeah but there's like these moderators that they uh want to put who they think is important enough to be put in there so you go through this and you're like wow this is you want it there just for promotional purposes what do you want there i want i want

it there because well one of the things i want to be is because siri and all this all these technologies are incorporating Wikipedia into it. So, yes, for search reasons and for what I do, it makes sense to be in Wikipedia. Right. And then the other reason is because then I look at who's in there, and I'm like, that makes sense. They have a Wikipedia. I should have a Wikipedia just for as a kind of a quick bio. So when people are like, who the fuck is this?

Does Perez Hilton have a wikipedia yeah of course yeah and so so what well you're sort of a mini mini mini Perez Hilton exactly so so I'm at so I'm asking the people this one of the moderators or editors or whatever and I'm like you know like what do I have to do they're like well you need to send links of like your work uh like on other websites or other publications or who you are on other publications that are linked. So I'm sending them on SiriusXM radio. They talk about our podcast being broadcasted.

You know what it is? It's probably they listen to the podcast, but they don't like you. I know. That's what it is. And you're trying too hard. And they have the power. I know. You know what I mean?

I got the power. I'm thinking about being in a porn movie just to be in wikipedia it's a good move and it's wiki oh i see what you're doing see your girl wants to start branching out into male porn and you're resisting and you'll say look i'll just fuck you and it'll kill two birds with one stone sure it'll get me on wikipedia and you can do boy girl porn and make more money that's right so i think it's my transition and getting away go for it what's wrong with doing porn i won't fire you there's some jobs well Go for it. What's wrong with doing porn? I won't fire you. There's some jobs where they'll fire you

if they catch you doing porn. I'll tell you right now. You can go do all the porn you want and I will never fire you. This is part of your job growth. All right. You're free to do porn. You might get a growth.

You have 100% job security. You don't have to worry. I got a buddy who is an attorney. He's an attorney and he moved from Phoenix to LA just to work in the office out here. He was living with a guy who created a big TV show, but I don't want to say what it is.

But everybody would know what it is. Bonanza? He was living with a guy who created Bonanza. And so he's a lawyer, and then the guy he's living with is like, hey, do you want to come do a little guest spot on my show? This is like a reporter, right? And he just asks two questions. It's some little guest star thing and uh so what i put on wikipedia i make a wikipedia page for him just as like a joke like oh brandon lombardi is a american actor and uh but he's also a lawyer

he this thing is haunting him now i've tried to take that off several times you can't you can't take it off i can't even take that i'll delete it it'll be back within an hour because he'll he's like trying you know he's like interviewing for other jobs and stuff at different law firms they're like wait what the fuck is this you're an actor like what and he's like no no no they look at i mean he's on imdb and that sort of thing but it's like he that's not who he is and it's it's like starting to fuck with him like they're tyrants over there dude yeah it's weird there's some kind of like government that runs wik Wikipedia and they want you to know who they want you to know almost like the media where it should be an open source thing like it started off. And it's really fucking weird because if you can say, hey, like I gave them a list of links, like 50 pages. Well, how many Twitter followers do you have now?

You have like 30,000? Yeah, but I was a guest on Adam Carolla radio show about the Carlos Mencia video. I have little things that are more important than somebody that's like, I was in a blowjob video when I was 18. The blowjob video provides a lot of people with something to beat off to. I thought you think you should be knocking it. What's Charlie Sheen's girl, his ex, the crazy slut? I forget her name. What's the-

Brie Olsen. You look at Brie Olsen. She has the most beautiful fucking Wikipedia page with photos and links. Dude, she's a superstar, though. Yeah. She's a porn superstar. Exactly. Don't compare yourself to Brie.

Why are you comparing yourself to her? That's ridiculous. No, that's what I'm saying. Just know what, you will never be her. You know what you are? You're the guy who confidently says, you know, like, if you have to choose between me or fucking Brie Olsen, you'll let me live. I know you will.

I don't even have to think about it. And then it gets to the judgment time and the guy's like, I'll take Brie Olsen. What? No!

The bottom falls out of the floor and he drops down. He just doesn't understand his position in the wheel. He just wants some legitimacy. He just wants an affirmation. No,

for what I do, what I do, my videos and marketing and producing and stuff, it makes more sense to me. That's like not being able to be on IMDB for you, probably. It's kind of like that. It's kind of like a

techie, nerdy producer. I get it. What else I get is the fact that you've had it up a couple of times and then somehow or another it gets yanked back. It's because they always give the excuse that you're not important enough or you're not showing importance at all. But then I send them a link of 30 different things,

like article reviews and stuff like that. He listens to this podcast. I fucking guarantee you. Oh, I know. He listens to these podcasts. He's one of those guys. Fucking Red Band. Nazis.

Every time they bring this up is another six months of me not adding it. I'm so fucking tired of Red Band's bullshit. Nobody wants to hear about your cat's dick. He's going to Applebee's on the weekends just bitching anyone who will hear. Applebee's. Did I tell you? I've got the craziest internet search story ever.

There was a story. I've told this before, I think. This is the 1990s, right around 2000 2000 ish there was a small mixed martial arts organization and it was when they were just starting to learn about internet searches and they had this guy who was fighting for them he's got this guy was a fucking beast dude like 6'4 240 built like a like a comic book superhero yeah smashing everybody and he was like a big star in their organization so uh they were trying to assemble some press on this guy and they they do a search and they find out that a gentleman with the same name had won something called the hungriest butt contest

so this is pre-google man this is like who knows what they had for search engines back then so clearly this couldn't be our guy this couldn't be our gladiator our warrior would not be involved in something called so they they click a link and there's two dudes using him as chinese finger handcuffs one's in his ass one's in his mouth and they got these pictures of this guy oh my god and so then they my friend has to sit pictures of this guy. Oh my God. And so then my friend has to sit down with this guy and talk to him. And he has to say, you know, did you ever do gay porn? So the guy fucking freaks out and starts yelling, what the fuck are you saying?

What the fuck are you saying? And he has to literally click on the link and then step away from the computer while it loads. And he's like, and the fucking few seconds that it took to load, I'm locked. He goes, I'm locked in a fucking office with a gay savage. This big gay gladiator who is lying to me and telling me he's not gay. And I'm clicking this link. And as it's click, click, click, click, click, click. It's old school internet where it takes a long time for a picture to look.

And slowly but surely, he sees the dick in his mouth. Slowly but surely, you see men's abdomens, men's abdomens, someone's head. Oh, it's your head. What's in your mouth? Oh, that's a cock. What's in your ass? That's a cock, too. And you're watching this, and he's watching this.

They're watching this together. They're watching this together. And then the guy says, man listen man I just needed the money it's not that I'm gay I just needed the money it was just a bad situation turns on you did like a hundred movies oh shit we're out about a lot of that he did like 15 movies that's a lot of money though I'd take my movies that's what's a lot of money though for fit well but I know how much worth it was he getting paid back then as compared to what you would get today

too yeah well that might the joke when I talked about it in my act the joke was How much more was he getting paid back then as compared to what you would get today, too? Yeah. The joke, when I talked about it in my act, the joke was, how much is a lot of money to you? Because for a lot of money to me, as I do one movie, I live like I'm in a fucking Jay-Z video for the rest of my life. You did 15? You should have all the money on the planet. There should be no money left for anybody else.

You have everything. You did 15 movies where they let men fuck you. You got everything and great memories. How pissed off are you, Brian, that I have a Wikipedia page? I already know you. I already looked. Oh, my goodness, Brian. You should have listened, man. I looked it up because...

Yeah, you're coming off a little jealous. No, no, I looked it up actually when I was trying to get photos. Jerking off to me? No, trying to get photos for you for the show we did last week. And it came up when I did a search and he's in a TV show so you should have a Wikipedia show. But I don't know how it got made

or how they I've never made my own If they verified it that I was on that show the way that you're saying they do I don't know why they're not. There's got to be something else as a reason why they're not They don't like you bro I know. I think it's because I'm German I don't know why they're not. There's got to be something else as a reason why they're not verifying you.

They don't like you, bro. They do not like you. I know. I think it's because I'm German. Josh has his own website, joshmcdermott.com. What a handsome fella. Hey, can I plug my Twitter? Fuck yeah, son. Dude, this is what I like.

Anytime you say anything about me on Twitter, I pick up like 100 followers like that. Please follow Josh McDermott. M-C-D-E-R-M-I-T-T. Dermitt, like a catcher's mitt. It used to be Fat Piece of Crap, which is easier to remember. How can we change it? Because people who pay me a lot of money asked me if I would change it so they could promote it. They asked you.

Yeah, and I just kind of went, this isn't a fight I want to have. I was like, sure, whatever. But I still have Fat Piece of Crap, so don't try and get it. But this is what I'm going to do. This is kind of a little plug if i could in november november is pancreatic cancer awareness month and my brother-in-law died of uh pancreatic cancer and so for every follower i get let's start it now through the month of november i'm going to donate five cents to pancreatic cancer research and i know i think i had like 682 or something when I walked in here.

So everything from now on through November, I'll donate five cents. Oh, sweet. That's pretty good. I get all the money in the world, so I don't give a shit if I get a million followers, guys. You're crazy. What's a million followers? Five cents a follower? I don't know.

Who can do the math? Not me. You know, there's someone listening to this right now who's already done it. Yes, yelling it out. Yelling at you guys. It's your morons. Why are you talking'm not brian we're gonna get you on wikipedia buddy it's gonna be okay we gotta do it man so me and joe were talking uh we're still in the other day talking about yawning and like like what the fuck is yawning for it and i was

like what if there was some kind of communication back in the old days that we're we're not figuring out and we went on this whole theory of like like what if we yawned and touched our nipples at the same time like a dragon head would come out and teach us something or that was you not we don't say we when you came up with that stupid idea so anyways we're last night i was watching what's that show where they try to break uh uh myth mythbusters I was watching, what's that show where they try to break Mythbusters? I was watching Mythbusters, and they were doing a theory on yawns, and it was so weird that out of nowhere that I saw this, and they would put people around in groups and then see if one person was to yawn,

if it would start a yawn-off where everyone would be yawning eventually. It was really interesting. It wasn't a high number, which I thought it was, but there was definitely shown that if you yawn in a group, that there would be more yawns per minute. Yeah, well, I don't think

that that's a smart way to test that. First of all, you know. Well, they did a few ways. But that's a terrible way to test it when you have cameras on people and you make them all sit together. No, they don't know there's cameras. They think that they got them off Craigslist.

Like they had to fill out some application like a doctor's waiting room. Oh, they don't know there's cameras? Yeah, yeah. They didn't know there's cameras. They think that they got them off Craigslist. They had to fill out some application like a doctor's waiting room. Oh, they don't know there's cameras? Yeah, they didn't know there was cameras. They just wait for someone to yawn. Yeah, and they just waited for one person to yawn and then see if it started. Oh, that's interesting. Do people yawn?

What if nobody yawned? Yeah, they had problems with that. So they did other studies. They gassed the room. No, youassed the room. Then they did other studies. No, you signed the release. Where they put them in each individual rooms and did studies on them. It was just kind of weird because while watching that, I couldn't stop yawning.

Yeah, even mentioning yawning, I'll start yawning. Right. Even if you're talking about it. That makes sense that they studied it that way. I was so stupid. I thought they just got everybody to yawning, I'll start yawning. Right. Even if you're talking about it. Well, that makes sense that they studied it that way. I was so stupid. I thought they just got everybody in the room. That's probably exactly

how I would study them. Get them all in the room. Okay, you yawn first. No one's yawning. This sucks. This shit doesn't work at all. But what if that was some weird communication

that we're missing out? Like you're supposed to yawn with the person next to you at the same time. Like there's something there maybe. I think they believe in chimpanzees. It had something to do with the alpha position and with exchanging empathy.

So when one person yawns, you're almost like you feel obliged to let them know, yeah, I'm tired too, because you don't want to be like, you're tired, bitch, I'm wide awake, and I'm going to fuck your wife while you're sleeping. There's a little something to it. It's like a communication thing.

When you yawn, your heartbeat, I think it goes up 30% rate. And your lungs completely fill up with air. And it does all this shit when you yawn. It makes me also wonder if there was something else there. Like you're sending a bolt of, like you're supposed to yawn at the same time while you want to talk to somebody else in their head or something like that did they did they talk about what you're charging your battery did they talk about what your heart rate dips to after you're done yawning because you're like relaxing yeah i don't know i feel like you almost like relax even more there would be less than what

it was when before you started yawning. Yeah, that seems silly. Maybe it's waking you up. I mean, saying that your heart jumps 30 beats per minute, I mean, that's what happens when you take a stimulant. Maybe like the idea of this big burst of oxygen in an unusual fashion like that. Maybe it sparks like an extra little pump of blood flow that's supposed to send a signal. Come on, guys. Let's wake up.

Let's wake up. Come on. That's what a lot of people do, too, when they yawn. They go, okay, okay, okay. Let's fucking bear down. When someone yawns and they're tired, sometimes they'll do that. They'll yawn and go, all right, I gotta wake up. I gotta wake up. And then they'll fire up. What if you're supposed to touch a pyramid at the same time as you yawn?

Fucking do it. And you all have to stand on one side of the pyramid. Or blue monkey up your asshole while you're eating a jellyfish i thought you guys like what ifs i'm just talking this is the craziest what if ever brian i'm so glad you thought this through so there's um the there's some evidence that the justice department is proposing new Freedom of Information Act rules that allow the government to inform the public that records do not exist, even if they do. So, you know, the Freedom of Information Act, you're supposed to be able to say, hey, is there records on blah, blah, blah. Sure.

They're supposed to in cases where it's not. I mean, I'm sure there must be some fucking national security rules. That's mine, son. What are you doing? I don't want any more. I thought you were going to drink fucking national security rules. That's mine, son. What are you doing? I don't want any more. I thought you were going to drink out of mine. I'll be like, ew. You want some of this?

Anyway, what they're saying is they're allowed to lie. They're allowed to tell you that. Yeah, it totally cancels out the whole reason of having the Freedom of Information Act. Yeah, I mean, it's like there's no way to keep a tab of all the creepy shit that the government does on a regular basis. It tries to sneak through. It's like you have to read about this on fucking Wired.com. Right. Which is where I read about it.

Somebody sent it to me on Twitter. It's so gross. It's almost like the Justice Department is putting this out now and doing this so they don't have to talk about shit like that Fast and Furious gun running thing. Yeah, exactly. You know what I mean? They're like're like oh we got to cover our ass retroactively yeah i wonder i wonder i wonder if it's just another distraction but it's it's gotta be everything it seems like everything's a distraction nowadays it's so offensive it's it's it's so strange it's it's like it doesn't it doesn't make sense that at this stage of the game that people still think that they can communicate with people like this. Or they can just lie to you and just tell you that files don't exist even if they do.

Like 30, 40 years ago, Freedom of Information Act comes out. Nobody thinks anything of it because how many people are actually going to be asking for it? But now that everyone's a blogger, everyone's got their own podcast doing stuff doing stuff i mean it's like anyone could get that information and just start really doing some fucking damage yeah yeah anyone can get that information when we had when we had yon over remember yon had stacks of those he said look i've got the documents you know oh really jones yeah he had freedom of information documents like wow yeah but even even though i know they're i know that i could get my hands on i still feel like that'd be too much work i don't know is it it's i don't want to do it i don't have the i don't have the i mean you got to sift through millions of fucking documents you

gotta be a nutty person but every now and then you find something really crazy like they found the operation northwoods document that was like they didn't find that until fairly recently that's the one where the the public uh the Army, was planning on having fake attacks on American civilians and blaming it on the Cubans to get us to go to war with Cuba. Oh, shit. They were going to blow up a drone jetliner.

They were going to send a jet into the air and blow it up. Oh, my God. And blame the Cubans for it and get us to go to war with Cuba. And the guy who came up with that then moved to Connecticut and did that thing at the school.

I got another idea. Well, the scary part about it, it was signed by the Joint Chiefs of Staff and it was vetoed by Kennedy. It's called Operation Northwoods. It's one of the creepiest documents you'll ever read because it is 100% lockdown solid proof that people in high office think that way.

They were going to attack American soldiers. They were going to have armed Cuban friendlies attack Guant They were going to attack American soldiers. They were going to have armed Cuban friendlies attack Guantanamo Bay and attack American soldiers. They were going to fucking lob mortars. They would have killed kids. They would have killed soldiers, like American soldiers. Yeah, you know they're not putting it in

over the Everglades or something where it's just going to kill a couple crocodiles. The whole thing is disgusting. But what's really terrifying is no one went to jail for that. I believe it was like 1962, somewhere around then. The whole thing is disgusting. But what's really terrifying is no one went to jail for that. I believe it was like 1962, somewhere around then. So it was right before Kennedy was killed.

And nobody went to jail for that. If nobody went to jail for that, and there's no punishment for that kind of corruption, that kind of mismanagement of the government, then all that happens is it evolves. Everything evolves. They don't stay still. If they're making $5 a day under the table, they want to make $10 a day under the table. So very few people stay at the same level all the time. But that document just feeds into why Kennedy was assassinated.

Probably, yeah. Like with the Cubans and how he didn't want to do the shit that the military did. There's a wave of people recently, I find, that don't believe that Kennedy was assassinated by anyone other than Oswald. And I think it's hilarious. Yeah. It's one of the dumbest conspiracies.

It's one of the... You go with conspiracy theories. There's some that are really out there and you've got to really squint when you look at them. And there's other ones that go, oh yeah, there's something wrong here. And Kennedy is, there's something wrong here. Yeah squint when you look at them. And there's other ones that go, oh, yeah, there's something wrong here. And the Kennedy is, there's something wrong here. Yeah, if you just look at the facts, you know that Oswald didn't do it.

He didn't act alone. There's so much crazy shit. The fact that they found the bullet on the, what are those things they carry by, on the gurney? They found the bullet on Connolly's gurney, just magically found. Oh, here's the bullet that shot you and went through everybody. And even though it's not even bent up, the whole thing is just preposterous. And the only reason why they came up with a third bullet,

the reason why they had to have that single bullet theory, and this is one thing a lot of people don't know, is because there was a guy under the bridge, he was under the overpass, and he got hit by a ricochet. So they had to account for that bullet. And since they had committed to the idea that there was three shots that were fired from Oswald's gun, they had to account for all these different wounds, one of them being a wound in the front of the neck,

that in the initial autopsy they diagnosed as a wound in the front of the neck, and then in Bethesda, Maryland, when they flew the body, they said it was a trach wound, and that they opened up it to help him breathe. Why are you helping someone breathe that is missing their fucking head? His brains got shot all over the fucking backseat of that car. Stop pretending that that guy was alive when they flew him across the continent and they stuck a trach wound in it. No, that's an impact wound.

It's an entry wound from a bullet, and they can't account for that bullet. So all they came up with was, oh, well, one bullet just went wickity-wackity inside of his body and shattered bones in two different people and came out looking almost pristine. It's amazing how few people believe that. And it's because people like things tidy, and they like things neat, and they love this idea of Occam's razor, that the simplest solution is always the correct one. But that's not the case.

Oftentimes it is, but it's not always the case. If you see in the Operation Northwoods document there's real corruption there's a real conspiracy there's a bunch of guys who really sat down and said how can we get people to be interested in going to war with cuba well here's what we can do we can say the cubans are attacking us we can blow up airplane like the fact that they would draw up a memo for that. Yeah. If you don't think they would get together and say, this Kennedy, this motherfucker, he wants us out of Vietnam. It's going to cost us billions. He wants to fucking end the Fed.

He wants to get rid of the CIA. The CIA at the time had only been around for about 20 years. The CIA was created after World War II. So from World War II to when Kennedy was shot in the 60s, it was building up steam and he didn't like it he thought they should get rid of the CIA

he thought they should get rid of the federal bank he was like proposing to restructure everything and they shot that dude right in the fucking head and if you don't think that's what happened

you're crazy because Lyndon Johnson took over after him and he's basically just a version of George Bush just a play it by the the book good old boy version of george bush and they went deep into vietnam right afterwards and they stayed there for a while yeah there was that there's no doubt in my mind that they killed that guy who i don't

know i don't know who i don't know who but i i have a feeling he thought he was really president that's what i think you know i think there's there's certain people that get this idea in their head. They're going to get in there and they're just going to fucking change shit. And it's really going to happen. And then they get there and they go, whoa, so this is how it works. Right. You know, we were talking about Colin Powell yesterday.

And I've always thought that he was one of those guys that like probably could have been president, you know, and when you're running for president, I think they don't let you know shit. I don't think you have a clue as to how it works. And then finally, one day, you're actually in office, and you realize, oh, my God. They take you into the Matrix room where you watch all the fetuses that are connected to these metal spikes that suck fluid out of their brains to feed this mothership. And you look at it, and you go, oh, my God. This is the truth.

This is reality. And then your hair starts going gray. Yeah, that's when your hair turns gray yeah that's your hair starts going gray but what about what about powell though you feel like he i feel like he was a another one of those guys it's like he was like you know a real like man of character and a guy who you trust what his word was then all of a sudden he's in the bush administration he's like jesus christ yeah just watching the whole thing go down and eventually had to get out of there who you trust what his word was, then all of a sudden he's in the Bush administration. He's like, Jesus Christ. Just watching the whole thing go down. Eventually he had to get out of there.

The whole situation was gross. Here's a guy who's a genuine war hero. He's watching these chicken hawks force us into these weird fucking wars in these creepy parts of the world and coming up with these stupid fucking reasons why we're supposed to be there. At Occupy LA, they had these pumpkins, and each pumpkin was carved with a different president

or person in office, you know? And every time they made a Bush one, it would get smashed within, like, 30 minutes. So every time the guy told me he would walk by, it was always smashed. The Bush one was always smashed. He's a figurehead. That's funny.

That's all he is, man. He's just a figurehead. He's just a dude who got a job, you know? It's all he is man he's just a figurehead he's just a dude who got a job you know it's uh not that much different than me hosting fear factor you see obama is in los angeles he went to roscoe's chicken and waffles and there's photos unless that was an evil twitter prank i am sorry if this if i fool no no no no no he went but he went to roscoe's and it's hilarious that. That place is amazing. I can't get into that, man. What, chicken and waffles?

Yeah. It's like fried chicken, right? Fuck yeah, it's like fried chicken. It's not like fried chicken. They put syrup on the chicken and stuff? No, you don't have to put syrup on the chicken. In my mind, that's what it is, and that's when I'm like, fuck this. I'm not going.

Dude, it's all delicious. You're crazy. Listen, chicken with a little bit of syrup and some hot sauce? God damn son I'll give it a shot It's like instead of Eating cornbread With your fried chicken

At 8am You're eating a waffle Yeah The waffles You get extra butter And extra syrup Alright And just go crazy

With that bitch Just appreciate the fact That it's going to be Two days worth of calories Yeah What you're supposed to eat In two days You're going to eat

In one meal Okay I'll hold off Until I I'll clear my schedule You know what you got to do Just do one day Of heavy rock lifting You know what you gotta do? Just do one day of heavy rock lifting. You know, what you do is there's a lot of videos online of guys

that pick up these stone circles. You ever seen those guys? They call them Atlas Stones. It's like a very particular type of working out. They pick up these stones. They're like, it's like a giant medicine ball made out of stone. And they carry these around. They're very difficult to carry around. They actually make special wristbands and shit

so that they don't get the skin of their forearms ripped apart. They have these big, long, padded wristbands. And these fucking guys walk around carrying these stones. And this thing's supposed to just burn 8,000 calories or something? It's fucking full-on caveman shit. That's what charges up the system to be the most strong. Carrying something really heavy and moving it somewhere. That's the hardest thing to do.

It requires the whole body to be strong. Every single aspect of the body. Very difficult. So that's your move, dude. Do that and then go watch Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. You'll be so fucking tired. You'll be like, man, I don't give a fuck how many calories are in that. I'm going to eat the shit out of that stuff.

I want to sit in the Obama booth booth there probably is one now right do you think they have no they keep it like roped off oh yeah with photos of him they said they said they weren't going to do anything special for the fact that he visited that location because apparently reagan and uh who's the other president who's from cal? Nixon? Yeah. It came into Roscoe's all the time. Really? And they didn't change the menu or do anything special for them. They're not going to do that for Obama.

Yeah, but he's black. I know. I think you're supposed to rope it off. We'll see. Not only should they rope it off, they should get Madame Trudeau to create a wax image of him sitting there eating the box. Oh, that'd be awesome. And there'd be a photo there and you'd have the whole

thing encased in glass. Kids would wipe their boogers on it. They put some quarters. They stick quarters in the glass. You're trying to remove one and if you do, you get to keep it. One of those things. It should be a big candle. Light him from the top every day and see him melt while he's eating his waffles.

A big candle? Yeah, like a big candle statue. Oh, he's a big candle because he's waxed. Oh, yeah. Some of those wax statues are fucking incredible, man. It's really amazing. Yeah, some of them I can't. They'll show the celebrity standing next to it.

I can't tell who. Sometimes, yeah. Like Joan Rivers. It's like one of them looks weird and the other one doesn't, but you still are like, well, which one is it, though? Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, and photos.

It goes to show you how weird photos are yeah you know especially when photos get photoshopped and i mean have you ever looked at someone's photos like you know like especially like professional hot chicks you know they'll have like a girl who's like a ring card girl or something like that or have her all touched up or so someone along those lines you barely can tell what they really look like like you have to actually see them in person to see what they really look like because in this photo this it's not a real representative of who they are it's like it's weird paint thing it's like you painted someone someone's painted over you this is not the real picture this is you're showing me a goddamn cartoon this is like artwork well i think 3d 3d photos i don't know if you've seen like there's new cell phones on

cell phones yeah even this camera has uh 3d in it, so you can take panoramic views in 3D, and then you hook it up to your 3D TV, and it's just, like, amazing. Really? Yeah, it's ridiculous. You can, like, move your head and look around. Wait, show me a picture on the 3D camera. I've never seen this. You can't see it on this.

You have to see it on a 3D TV. Oh, you've got to put it on the thing. You have to have it on a 3D TV. Oh, that's a way to make money. Yeah. Where is the end of that? This 3D thing, to me, I don't like the movies where I have to wear glasses. They have to figure out to put something over the screen.

But I'm thinking that this is just a hiccup along the way. Look at the Nintendo 3DS. It's a little Game Boy. It's in 3D without glasses now. Really? So it just kind of shows you five, ten years. Yeah, it's going to be good. Yeah five ten years yeah it's gonna be good yeah some of those 3d tvs where they they have some commercials or whatever playing in a bar and it's

you know yeah it's kind of cool it's not as good as it when you're wearing the glasses and watching like avatar or something yeah avatar is like the only kind of movies that if it's like a big crazy action movie like that i'll wear the stupid glasses those things are they're uncomfortable then you used to wearing glasses. To you, it's an everyday thing. But even I don't like them. I mean, I have to take them off every once in a while and just give my face a rest. Have you ever thought about getting an operation?

No, I can't. Dude, remember that movie Fire in the Sky back in like the late 80s or early 90s or something? Travis is about UFOs. Travis Walton, I think the guy's name is. Very famous UFO case. Yeah, and Walton, I think the guy's name is. Very famous UFO case. Yeah. And they showed,

like I remember watching the trailer when I was a kid and they were like, the aliens were probing him and just the needle was coming towards his eye and he was freaking out and I just went,

I don't want anyone to ever touch my eye. And that stuck with me since I was a kid. Mine was clockwork orange. I had contacts for a while. That took me a while to start doing contacts.

I hated it. They scared the fuck out of you, son. Travis Walton, yeah, that's the guy's name. He's working as a logger in the woods in 1975. Yeah. In Arizona. Flagstaff. And he was pulled out into the fucking sky.

I used to have that poster in my room. Huge banner. Like, we would get, like, banners, like, you know, your Doom poster here for the movie theaters. And they would throw them away, but you're allowed to have them if you worked at the movie theater. So I'd get all the cool ones. And Fire in the Sky was right on my wall right when I walked in. Wow. That was a dope fucking movie about abduction.

That was a fun movie, man. Those alien movies scare the shit out of me, man. They still do. It's so easy to say, ah, they're full of shit. I don't believe them. It's so easy to say that because it doesn't happen every day. Yeah. Because it doesn't happen every day,

it's so easy to go, that's fucking bullshit. Right. But could you imagine if it actually was happening to you? How, what if a fucking freak out that would be? Like,

holy shit, they're real? You're flying through the fucking sky into the spaceship and they're probing you and you're like, no fucking way, they're real? They're really real? and you're like no fucking way they're real they're really real and you're not gonna be able to tell anybody about it yeah well this was one

of the best movies at sort of representing that that fire in the sky movie because it really did represent that feeling of like like you like that guy really did seem like he was stuck i mean it was a terrifying whatever the fuck happened right whether or not they they're full of shit or not i don't know i mean but the character in the, if that was real, what a terrifying experience I must have had. That movie was like a recount of that guy's story and experience. But even movies like E.T., it still scares the shit out of me. I can't watch it. Any alien will scare you.

There was like my parents' bedroom was around the corner, or their bathroom was around the corner in their bedroom. We had a big family, so I'd have to use their bathroom every once in a while. I was scared to death. As a little kid, I thought fucking E.T. would be sitting on the toilet taking a shit or something. Those kids think weird things. And even to this day, I'll go home and I'm hesitant to even go in that bathroom.

I'm like, I know E.T. is not going to be here but I still don't want to just walk around the corner. What if it was white E.T. too? What if it was white E.T. is not going to be here, but I still don't want to just walk around the corner. What if it was white E.T. too? What if it was white E.T. dragging a leg like zombie style? Wow, you just made E.T. creepy. Dude, they should make an E.T. horror movie. Why? E.T.'s a lovable little character.

That's what Super 8 was supposed to be. Yeah. That was a little grittier than that. I saw The Thing last night. Oh, how was that? The Thing prequel. Dude, it's not getting good reviews, but it's fucking good. They did a great job.

I want to see it just because I love The Thing. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what Rotten Tomatoes gave it. Sometimes you can't trust that stuff, man. I mean, I think they're on par with some things, but then there's other things. You're just like, what? 33% man. They're saying it sucks.

I don't get it. How stoned were you? I was pretty sober, actually. I was sober? Yeah. How stoned were you? I don't know. I was pretty sober, actually. I was sober? Yeah. I had a glass of wine. That's it. But it was good, man.

It's good. Look, I'm a big fan of the John Carpenter version, the Kurt Russell version. Yeah. That's a good fucking movie. That's a fun movie. It still holds up. I watched that movie recently, like a month or so ago. Still holds up.

That's a solid that's a solid fucking movie this movie was not quite as good as that first of all because um i don't i didn't quite the girl who's the lead is she was okay what's her name good i don't know i don't know her name she's okay but i think she wasn't mary elizabeth winstead that's her name she wasn't kurt russell kurt russell just's her name. She wasn't Kurt Russell. Kurt Russell just brought so much to that part. It's Kurt fucking Russell, man. And that's Kurt Russell in his prime, dude,

with holding on to a fucking stick of grenades with a blowtorch in his hand, fucking with all the ice in his face. I'll blow this whole fucking place up. You're like, whoa, that's intense. This chick never hit that kind of a, oh my god, I'm about to die peak. It was like she's around aliens and craziness and duh, but still somehow or another, she's way too composed for me.

I mean, to me, I think everybody should have been really freaking the fuck out. And I just didn't have that. How were the effects and everything? The effects were fucking insane, man. Okay. Fucking insane. I want to see this. The effects were amazing, man.

The effects were incredible. What they can do now is, well, first of all, it's a prequel. So it's basically what happens, and it takes place in 82. So it's all what happens right before the Kurt Russell version of it. Sure. So I don't know if they're going to redo that one i hope they don't honestly because there's no need to just come up with a new fucking idea please they probably will dude everything's getting remade though if they redo

it it's really it's really a shit trick because yeah you'll go back to see king kong the fourth remake of king kong but you know he's gonna fucking die at the end it's still the same story so you're just gonna trick me with a bunch of new shit in the middle that wasn't in the original one, so you're basically making your own movie for the middle. You have very flimsy guidelines. You've got to pick up King Kong, grab him back, bring him back to America.

You figure it out. She's supposed to be there in sacrifice. She's got to be blonde. You've got to have a lot of naked black chicks that nobody cares about. Kong grabs her and you get them. Everything else you can make up on your own so every version is that's what we're we're tuning in for we're tuning in for the shit that they made up it's like we know what's gonna happen he's gonna climb the empire state building he's gonna get shot down he's gonna die yeah that's the end what do you what are you creating in there oh what we've got is this

and now he's gonna battle with these fucker chick is black yeah oh yeah i want to see a super racist movie king kong is i want to see johnny english reborn johnny english reborn you see it mr bean mr bean no i never was a mr bean fan i was never big into mr i wasn't either but my little brother loved that and so if i wanted to hang out with him we'd watch mr he loved all that british shit and so we'd i'd watch mr bean and after a while it started growing on me man i'm like it's so stupid it's funny it's so stupid that it finally becomes funny and then i was i don't remember what movie i was watching but the trailer for johnny english came out and i was laughing throughout the whole fucking thing man it's so. I can't wait to see it.

Dude, we're going to have Shane Smith from Vice TV. Come on. The guy who goes to the Lady Boys and the guy who went to Liberia. Oh, cool. I tweeted him today, and he tweeted back. Oh, that's badass. He's going to do the podcast. He's in Beirut right now filming.

Okay. Who knows what kind of fucking crazy. Wait, the Lady Boy? Like he goes to Thailand and gets the Lady Boys? Have you ever heard of the Vice guy to travel? No. Fuck, dude. One of the best. It's on gets the lady boys? Have you ever heard of the Vice guy to travel? No. Fuck, dude. One of the best.

It's on MTV now, right? Is that what it's on? No, I only watch it on Netflix. It's one of the best fucking expose. What's the best way to describe it? News shows. It's like a documentary online sort of a show where they do a bunch of different things.

One of the guys, whenever they have some sort of a drug situation, they have one guy who's like a serious fucking psych head. He's massively into psychedelics, and he's super, super educated about them. He sits down with Sasha Solgin, and they go over the various thousands of different known psychedelic compounds and human use. And it's just incredible shit.

He went to the jungle and did ayahuasca with the natives. And I mean, they have incredible shows. They went to Liberia. And literally, they're in a whorehouse in Liberia where it was like a dollar. Or it might have been less than a dollar to have sex with somebody. Yeah, it's incredible. I mean, and these guys go there. They go everywhere.

They go to the Congo. They go everywhere. It's nuts. And he went to North Korea. This guy, everywhere. They go to the Congo. They go everywhere. It's nuts. And he went to North Korea. This guy Shane Smith went to North Korea. They went to the Thailand one. He's hanging out with ladyboys. They picked up some ladyboys and brought them back.

And we're sitting in the tub with them and hanging out with them. I think I saw that. Was that also a documentary or is this just on his show? It's just the show. Okay. I don't know the history of it. And that's why it would be great to have him on because I don't know how it got founded, but these guys have fucking balls, man. They're savages, and I've been a big fan of their work for a long time.

One of them, my favorite one, is the one where they go up to visit that guy that lives deep, deep, deep in Alaska. That guy that lives, remember, deep in alaska that guy that lives uh remember um he he lives alone with his wife in they have like this little log cabin in the middle of nowhere in like northeast alaska northeast alaska like way the fuck up there yeah you know where there's nobody man and this guy and they go hang out with him And he's just every day hunting caribou, fishing for fish. Just every day is just foraging food. And he's a bright guy.

And he's been up there for like 30 years. And he believes that's like the only way people are supposed to live. And that's the best way to be happy. Like he's super content up there. He's like, you know, I don't have any depression. I don't have any problems. You know, this is what I like to do. I like to hunt and gather.

And he's not a dummy, man. It's a really fascinating fucking show. And in the middle of the show, they have to kill a bear because the bear was getting out his food, you know, because he shoots caribou. And then he has to hang the caribou. And sometimes, you know, they have a problem. You're hanging this fucking caribou out. And bears smell it. The bears come around.

And when they come around, you have to kill them. So in the middle of the night, they're chasing him with cameras while he's fucking shooting this bear. It's wild, dude. Because they're in the middle of nowhere. I mean, someone has to come by and drop off goods for them out of a parachute. That's the only way he's getting food. Like that movie, Hannah.

Yeah. Fuck. Well, if he's been there for 30 years, maybe he left in the 80s where it was like oh cassette tape suck you know fucking atari 2600 this is lame i gotta get out of here i know how to be happy yeah i'll go out in the middle of alaska i wonder if he travels to like a main city and you know like he hasn't in a long time he has been but as of the show as of the vice guy to travel i don't think he had ever even um seen 9-11 yeah i don't think

he'd ever seen the towers fall you should check out tvs now you know like maybe he just has no idea how awesome it is now maybe maybe but maybe he's right maybe like you know we our bodies are still the same bodies i mean you got to think that there's a bunch of like reward systems that are in place to ensure that people stay alive and for the longest time for a period of thousands and thousands and thousands of years the way we stayed alive was hunting and gathering that's the way we stayed alive we went out and we we killed our own food and we caught our own fish and we grew our own fruit and vegetables and i think to this day we're probably wired with a reward system that enforces that. When you do that, it probably feels really good.

Because I know a lot of, I used to be hooked on fishing. I used to love fishing. I used to fish all the time. It's a very primal thing. The excitement of catching a fish, it's very much wired into your system. As is hunting, supposedly. I haven't been hunting, but they all say that. People hunt, they all say that it's wired into you, man.

And that's why people to this day, even though it's easy to get food, still go hunting. Not even just for, you know, for the meat and for the fact that they need the meat to stay alive, but just for the actual excitement of it because it's, you know, there's an exciting thing about procuring your own food, going out and getting your own food and sustaining yourself through your own food, and sustaining yourself through your own work instead of sustaining yourself through a supermarket where you just kind of emptily pay for things and then just consume them. Some people really believe that the real, true way to be happy is to, I mean, it's not very progressive because eventually we have to

evolve past the state, but some people think the true way to be happy is to live as if people were living thousands of years ago when there was no electricity. And then all this technology, even though we're enjoying it, it's enhancing our life. We're not really wired to use this stuff. We're not wired to be influenced by it. You know, like televisions, we were talking about TVs and movies. Think about the influence that a film has. Think about the influence that that has has. Think about the influence that

that has compared to any influence that you would actually see in the natural world and compared to what you're supposed to be receiving. The human brain, like as you're developing and learning and going through life, you're supposed to be impressed by certain things. Acts of bravery. You're supposed to be impressed by character, impressed by leadership. And all these things are supposed to impress you Because you should eventually take on that role yourself If you're a man You should actually develop to a person of character

And respect and leadership Hopefully if you ever will want to become the leader But until then you follow the leader You follow the alpha Because that's the one that has all the information They've already lived a long life They've learned some things And if you want to stay alive you follow him

Now this is what's programmed in our head. But instead of that, what we're getting in this is fucking 100-foot screen. We're wearing glasses that make everything 3D. And this paralyzed dude is going to fuck this blue chick. And it's like our bodies and our brains almost can't process that much bullshit. It's like even though we know it's just a movie, there's certain parts of our subconscious or even our consciousness that I think are programmed to expect movie-like results from real life.

And when you don't have anything like that, when you realize that the reality of it is, whoa, now I'm just some weird person who gets in a metal fucking box and it's on rubber wheels and I ride over this hard surface to this same spot where I sit in a cubicle every fucking day and repeat over and over. There's no Sandra Bullock movie for me, man. There's no beautiful ending. Like, what the fuck, man? This is reality. But we're so programmed by this idea of happy endings and this idea of easy to follow storylines where it all works out in the end. You know?

And it's a trip. It's a trip to wonder whether or not we have created something in our mass media, in our media, in our television, in our movies. We have created something that influences us far beyond what we can control. And almost like that's how it's difficult for people to truly understand people anymore. It's almost like people aren't even influencing people. People's creations are influencing people. Artificial bullshit is influencing people.

And the actual, who the human is below all of it, it's very, very difficult to distinguish for a lot of people. Wrap your head around that, bitch. So I'm reading the biography of Steve Jobs, I think I mentioned. But they're talking, one cool thing that they kind of hinted at was the future, how Steve Jobs thought that he had, like the next TV. He broke the idea for the next TV. And so there's like these rumors now that Apple might start making their own

TV sets. Like, you know, like. Well, I'll tell you what, that Apple TV program is fucking great, man. I love it. Oh, the Apple TV. Yeah, the actual box. It's a little tiny ass box, man. Yeah, I got it.

Do you ever use it? It's great. Yeah. It's fucking great. I was thinking with how good Siri is. Imagine being able to tell your TV, like, Find Me Family Guy Thursday, record. Turn to channel HBO, record that.

And how it's probably going to mix in with the Siri into the TV. Wouldn't that be awesome? Yeah, that's inevitable, I think. Why isn't it like that? If you use Connector. Yeah, it's obviously moving in that direction. We're going to get that real quick. Right. Have you you ever seen Bill Gates house? Have you ever seen no? There's there's a bunch of videos. There was actually a thread about it on my message board a few weeks ago

I think Amazing house and you wear a pin when you enter the room When you get into his house you put a pin on and this pin has a microchip in it and every room it recognizes you It knows that you're the one who entered the room. So it changes the movies or it changes the images on the wall. It changes the atmosphere, the temperature. What's funny is that's so funny how that's old technology already. Because even with Kinect, with Xbox, you have it in your house.

And you walk in the room, it detects your face and then logs you in and Kinect. Does it start playing music and change the lights? No, but it logs you in, and then you can have your Netflix, and you sit there with your hand, and you stream through the movies with your hand. Whoa. So you can go through Netflix with your hand? Yeah, using the Connect sensor. Oh, my God.

That's so crazy. Imagine now apples. It would make lazy people even more lazy. Isn't that incredible, though? I mean, Luke, that is a big jump. That's a big jump, the ability that we have right now to sit in front of the TV and swipe things with your hand in space. Now imagine not having to move your hand now, just being like,

Siri, find me this movie. Do this. I was just getting used to the retinal scan. Like, that blows my mind, that you could put your eye up. When have you ever used that on a laptop? Have you ever used that? I've never used it. the retinal scan. Yeah. Like, that blows my mind. Yeah. That you could put your eye up. I mean, but now. Have any of you ever used that on a laptop? Have you ever used that? I've never used it. I just see it in movies.

I'm like, what the fuck is that? Yeah. I love it. It's real. They have it for laptops now. Yeah. They have fingerprint ones, and they have retina scan ones. Wait.

They have retina scan ones, right? For what? I don't know. I've only seen the finger ones. You do it, like, to log in? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I know they do it for security things. Holy shit.

They have it at my gym, 24 Hour Fitness. That's how I sign in. I do it with log in? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I know they do it for security things. They have my gym, 24 Hour Fitness. That's how I sign in. I do it with a finger. Yeah, we don't work out in the same gym. I never see you there. I know I'm 24 Hour Fitness. Really? Which one do you go to?

Santa Monica. Yeah. I can't find this. I might have made that up. How to buy a retina biometrics camera. No, they have them. I don't know if they I might have made that up. How to buy a retina biometric scanner. No, they have them. I don't know if they have it on laptops yet. It wouldn't surprise me if there's like a thing you plug into the back of your computer sits on top.

You do like a retinal scan. Yeah. It brings up your profile or something. But then, you know, people would worry, what if somebody cut your eyeballs out? That's what I'm always like with a pencil. Like you jam a pencil in there, pop that sucker out. God! I'm always like with a pencil. Like you jam a pencil in there, pop that sucker out. Dad! And then you get in behind the security wall that you shouldn't be, but you got the eyeball.

And then you strap the nukes to yourself and pull the pin and that's it. I'm getting kind of jealous. My girlfriend's brother is building a computer right now, and he just bought his new case. And he brought home this case that looks like Alienware. Why are you jealous? Jealous because you're you're no because i i miss those days buying like you sit there and find the coolest case you can and then you find you know which motherboard oh like this is something that you've done before yeah but the fact that he's doing it now you're like yeah i just missing it yeah

it's kind of fun i i forget it i get it and then there's like uh that new game that just came out today battlefield 3 and they're showing how badass it looks. And now I'm thinking, man, I almost want to build some stupid gaming computer. Dude, you don't got as much free time as it is. I know. I need to clone people. No, you don't. You just enjoy less things.

But I'm with you on the computers. I used to love the satisfaction of putting together a computer, you know, punching and putting in the mush, the, the motherboard, punching in the Ram, you know,

setting everything up. And then the moment it turns on, you boot up windows like, yes, what the fuck? I don't miss jumper settings though. Yeah. Jumper settings in the ass.

If they still have jumper settings, we used to have tweezers and used to have to like move these little things over. Like what the fuck were those things? How primitive is that shit? settings we used to have tweezers and used to have to like move these little things over like what the fuck were those things how primitive is that shit and then it was like times where your graphics card would interfere with your sound card like what was that called like in that bios you had to change frequencies and shit oh that was so annoying yeah what that shit but i think you learn how much this is one where i appreciate mac so much i love the fact that i don't have to do anything you know you could say that it's a computer for people who aren't power users or

whatever you want to say but the fact that i don't have to do shit it knows what you're wanting to do it's like oh do you want to do that i'll just do it for you yeah it's it's like that what i don't know if it's like a sketch or something it's just like move i got it you know yeah i don't have to go into the registry and tweak the settings like what the fuck are you talking about man like what am i even doing in there yeah do you talk about this this yeah i've had talked about it before this is the best coconut water i've ever had in my life told you yeah i tell everybody everybody says coconut water tastes like shit yeah and i never understood why they said that until i tried other stuff this and i these people are not paying me a dime this is all just honesty i think they have a great product c2o is the shit yeah and i asked them i said why is your coconut water so much better

because it's really delicious i go do you add sugar and they go no no no what we do is we get our coconuts from a single plantation in thailand i own the plantation. And so this plantation in Thailand, apparently the Thais have the sweetest coconuts. They're real delicious, coconut-y taste and very sweet. And that's the key. So this is, I don't know what other companies get their shit from Thailand too, but you get it from them

because that's where C2O gets it. They're fucking awesome. I've heard people talk about coconut water and they're like, oh, I love it. So I went to Whole Foods, and I bought three different kinds because I figured I wouldn't like one of them or whatever just to try them out. I hated all three of them. Yeah. This is amazing.

It's amazing. And people think I'm exaggerating. Like I said, no one's giving me a fucking dime, I swear to God. There's definitely bad coconut water. That other kind you had a couple weeks ago, I did not want to finish that's not normal something you know yeah this is delicious this stuff is fucking it's and it's so good for you man it's really good like for uh when you're working out like it's a good like natural isotonic beverage whatever the fuck isotonic means whatever it is it's good joe do you know if it's okay you have a vitamin mix is it okay to mix like vitamins

into your drinks to like crush them into the drinks is that something that'd be okay well i guess you could do that but why would you do that when you could just take them yeah i don't know well what do you uh what are you eating with vitamins no i mean like i do like a bunch of one of those packs of vitamins every day and i've been throwing it into the you could do that sure you could do that but you know you got to wonder how much of it is going to get stuck to the walls, how much of it is actually in your... I don't know. What kind of vitamins are you taking?

Fish oil. It's just one of those packs you buy where it has a big pack of different kinds and you take one a day. Like a little plastic baggie sort of thing? From Costco? Yeah. Do you notice plastic baggie sort of thing? From Costco? Yeah. Do you notice any difference when you take vitamins? Yeah, my pee is really yellow and it smells bad.

It smells bad? It smells like pee, like hardcore pee. Like, whoa, drink more water. There's been a study recently. I mean, there's always studies one way or another, but the study recently said something about they were doubting the efficacy of large doses of vitamins. And they were saying

that it might even be harmful for some people. It's really interesting because I always wonder how the fuck do you judge that? How do you figure that out? Well, it's probably like anything. If you overdo a B12 or a C

or something like that, it's probably not good for you. How much of it is placebo then? Like with vitamins? It's like how much is this vitamin C actually helping me? Well, it's also how much do you need as opposed to how much other people need? I think there's only six vitamins in this pack, though. It's not like it's crazy.

I think it's just basic stuff too, like fish oil, D, whatever. Fish oil and D? Well, you know, you're not eating healthy either. So for you. I'm eating pretty healthy. How healthy do you eat? The problem is I only eat once a day. Why do you do that?

Well, like today, you know, I wake up, I get some coffee. I can't eat before I have my coffee, you know. Really? Yeah, it doesn't work. Like I can't eat unless I have coffee. Like you get an upset stomach sort of thing? I just zero hunger. Like it sounds gross. Like I would probably get sick if I tried to thing? I just zero hunger. It sounds gross.

I would probably get sick if I tried to eat before I have my coffee for service. Interesting. And then I usually do something like this. I'm doing this podcast right now. I probably will get home, do the podcast, put it up online, and then probably eat around 7 or 8 o'clock at night. Wow. Yeah.

My problem is last night I had skinless grilled chicken, lettuce, tomatoes, fruit. My question when I read these things, when you read a study that has more evidence against vitamin use, my fucking tinfoil hat always goes up. And I always go, well, how do I not know that this isn't some shit that the pharmaceutical companies have come up with to discourage people from using vitamins? Like a study they funded or something?

Yeah, they found out that if you take vitamins, you're less likely to get a certain amount of things that we need drugs to cure. And so they're trying to squash the pharmaceutical industry. You know, the pharmaceutical industry was trying at one point in time, and they have recently tried it again. They've talked about doing this,

where they want to regulate vitamins and minerals. And they want to make it so they're only by prescription. So they go, you're going to cost a lot more and you're going to have to get them from pharmaceutical companies. So instead of these companies like GNC or all these different places that sell vitamins, those will essentially be taken over by the pharmaceutical companies. And their massive amounts of profits will in turn be absorbed by the pharmaceutical industry the pharmaceutical industry by using the american government will essentially jack the whole nutritional market and take it over and they

tried this in the past they tried to do it under the name nutraceuticals that's what they're going to um call vitamins they were going to make it so that if you wanted to get vitamin c you had to get a fucking prescription you had to go through the whole rigmarole. You had to go to a doctor. You had to get a prescription. It's disgusting. It's really terrifying. And so whenever I see studies like this,

and I know that this was a very recently proposed thing, I always wonder if they're jockeying for positioning. I always wonder what the fuck they're doing. I really do. I really do. And then once they take position, they'll say, well, if you get FDA-approved vitamins and minerals, it's been shown that moderate doses of FDA-approved vitamins and minerals can actually prevent certain diseases. This is one of the benefits of having

the government take over the pharmaceutical industry is that we're able to run tests on them and get conclusive results using taxpayer money. And now everybody can be safe to take government-approved vitamins. So when I hear stories like this, I don't necessarily, I don't believe it. I don't know. I don't know who's putting these fucking things together.

And I used to think that all these universities were beyond reproach. I used to think, well, you know, if it's a university study, for sure, that means, until I watched Inside Job. And then I realized how the whole system works

with university professors and the fucking studies that they put out and then the cushy jobs that they get afterwards and they make millions of dollars by playing ball with everybody. Did you see Inside Job?

No, but I heard about exactly what you're talking about. It just makes me wonder, is there any honesty left in the world for anything? When you're dealing with that kind of money, I think, the money for the professors, millions of dollars, all of a sudden they're working for Merrick and they're developing some fucking brain drug for Merrick

and making millions and millions of fucking dollars. For them, it's like the numbers are too high. I wonder. I wonder if there is anything uncorrupt. Just, I think the only thing that's going to save people, honestly, is there's going to have to be some app that's created eventually that lets us see the truth always. See the truth in anything. No one's ever going to be able to lie to anyone.

All your motives will be exposed right away. You'll be forced to tell the truth. And then and only then are we going to really get it together. Because half the problem with what's fucked up about human beings is the lies and the bullshit and the real motivation behind things, whether it's Operation Northwoods or whether it's them trying to fucking take over the vitamin industry under the guise they're trying to help us.

Let me tell you something. Nobody's dying from fucking vitamins. Nobody. Nobody. A negligible amount. 10,000 people die from fucking caffeine every year. And I love coffee. Who knows how many thousands of people die from aspirins. 400,000

die from cigarettes. Just shut the fuck up, man. If they're going after something, they're going after it for money the federal government's not trying to take over the cigarette industry they're not trying to give you only government approved cigarettes you need a prescription to get cigarettes because we're worried about the dangers of cigarettes they don't think twice about cigarettes because the tobacco company pays them billions of fucking dollars those dirty dirty cunts so the truth app is the

way to go we need a truth app right app Until somebody figures out how to manipulate that And make some money off of it Of course they'll make a fucking bot Bot for the truth app What's the solution Brian? I don't know I was just thinking about how crazy If you really think about it There's a creator

There's somebody that created the human person And they had to take the eye And try to design the eye to make it the best, most efficient eye. And somebody created the nose. Like, no, it has to have these filters of hair so it collects dust before they inhale it. It's amazing. Is there somebody that sat around and had to design every single part of the human person? No, there's not one person. It's not a job.

It's a team of scientists, and they created these robots, and we're robots. There's the question of whether or not there's intelligent design. There's some pretty intelligent people that believe in intelligent design. And the idea behind it, everybody has a big red flag when you bring it up because it's been co-opted by religious groups, and they use it to sort of promote the idea in school that you can push religious nonsense on kids because the real problem with religious nonsense is not that it's not possible what they're saying is true it's that there's no evidence that it's true and they're basically just talking they're basically

just making up a bunch of fucking stories somebody wrote it down and you know they try to pretend that it's history and they try to sell it to kids there's no fucking evidence but it doesn't mean it's not right it doesn't mean that there isn't you know

at one point in time some benevolent one power that oversees everything but we have eyelashes to protect our eyes I mean

each piece of the human body is so why would they make crocodiles why would they make Komodo dragons why would they make monkeys and throw shit at you? Because those were all the rejects. Those were all like that revision B, C, D, E.

Yeah, really? I don't think so. I think there's some sort of an ecosystem. But if there's anything that looks alien, it's us. If you really wanted to make the argument, and there is a logical argument. If you really wanted to make the argument that there has been genetic engineering,

there's two animals that you'd make that argument with dogs and people and dogs and people both vary substantially in size and shape and and coloring and the what they where they live on the on the earth but you can make them fuck each other and they can have babies no matter what they're all interchangeable right midgets can fuck shaquille o'neal you know you can you could figure out a way to put it all together it's it's a way you know there's only people and dogs and we know for a fact the only reason why dogs are like that is because people fucked with them but people through selective breeding and some sort of genetic engineering that they really don't know and a bunch of people thank you have sent me a bunch of documentaries on dogs that i'm probably not going to watch. I just watched one last night.

Is it interesting? Dogs dissected or something like that. They come from wolves. Yeah, they come from wolves. But also when humans look at each other, they look from left to right for some reason to judge you. I forget what it was about. But that dogs also did it.

And that we actually think closer to the dogs and most chimpanzees or or monkey and it was it was really weird it was interesting to see that they only bark uh like though they're not designed to bark or i mean they're designed to bark where like wolves don't sit around bark all day right now where that dogs are trying to communicate with humans and stuff it was really interesting that you know wolves communicate with humans and stuff. It was really interesting that... You know, wolves communicate with people too. If you have a wolf for a pet, I have a friend that has two wolves. He had three for a while.

And the wolves fucking talk to you, man. You come home, you're like, what's up, dude? What's up, dude? They go, oh, oh, oh, oh. They're like full-on wolves, not like half or anything. Well, they're something.

Probably seven-eighths to a wolf. They're really tricky. They're really tricky pets. Once you're around them them you go okay this isn't a dog dude you live with an animal you live with a totally different animal this is not a dog it's a wolf reminds me of grizzly man shit man it's close except they don't really attack people i mean they they can if they're treated badly and if they're you know if they're in a bad environment for the most part wolves you know timber wolf seven it don't have a problem with their masters, at least. Any dog could have a problem with someone else, another person.

Little kids sometimes scare them. They think the little kids are animals. It's a real danger. Some of the funniest shit, my dad had a friend who would come over, the nicest guy in the world, but our dog, Larry, didn't like the sound of his voice, and she would just bark like crazy, just, and like try to attack him but she was the nicest dog to everyone and this dude for whatever reason just come over and she would attack him wow he probably fucked her when you weren't looking probably he's probably always

fucking that poor dog but you know the idea is that human beings were genetically engineered by higher power that something came down here and genetically engineered us. And that's why we look so different than anything else on the planet. You know, we are so different than any other primate. Our skin is soft and fleshy. For the longest time, we've been using tools

to the point where we can't even remember. We just have to kind of like look at old stuff and try to figure out, did they have tools then? I don't think they had them then. And they just recently moved it back way, way, way, way, way way back they moved the dawn of civilization back almost 6 000 years really

recently because they found this huge structure in gobekli tepe and they they used to think that back then people were just living in caves and they had these 19 foot tall carved stone columns with animals on them and they're're this is like 12 000 years ago so to put in perspective ancient sumer was thought to be the cradle of civilization that was the oldest known civilization that we knew of that's 6 000 years ago in iraq right this is 6 000 years older than that older so to them, in ancient Sumer, it was to them, Gobekli Tepe was like Sumer is to us, which is impossible to even wrap your head around.

Where is it? What is it? Bibliotheca? It's called Gobekli Tepe, and it's in Turkey. It's really amazing, amazing stuff. Fascinating. Yeah, they just, I mean, this is recent. The guy found this in the 1990s. He was some farmer, and he was fucking digging in his backyard in Turkey.

It's like a goat herder or some shit, and he found some thing sticking up. He's like, what the fuck is this? And it turns out there's all these giant fucking stone circles of huge columns and shit. All on his land. All on his land, and all done way, way, way before they thought anybody was doing anything like this. They had to rewrite the whole situation because of this stuff. They thought people were just hunter-gatherers back then. So they're still trying to attribute it somehow to hunter-gatherers, but it doesn't make sense.

Right, right. It's a giant fucking temple. Yeah, good luck. It's a fucking crazy giant stone-carved temple. And you want to tell me that people who made this were just running around chasing animals it blows me away that over time that much dirt and just shit has just piled up to cover yeah that temple and now it's just on some dude's farmland well actually this one i think they believe was covered over on purpose they believe that uh that someone at some point

in time actually covered it oh really yeah because because of the nature of the dirt that's covering it they they believe that it's a it's actually artificial that someone brought it in and covered it covered up the the stone structures on the guy with an ancient backhoe yeah ancient dogs a lot of dudes who listened to him that's what it is that was your number one resource back then the slaves who built the pyramids they're like oh we got another project well so so what we're talking about then is like 12 000 years that's a long long fucking time ago but even then it just doesn't make sense like how the fuck where did where did this animal come from how this animal gets so much different than all these other monkeys how did it figure out tools how did it figure out language why is it so different why is it so different its ability to communicate

the idea is that somehow or another, the aliens came down and said, God, you know how long it's going to take for these fucking monkeys to ever figure out anything? It could take billions of years, and it can never happen. They could go extinct. Look, they live outside. They haven't even figured out fire. This might not ever work out. They might catch some crazy infection, or there might be some spider that's fucking toxic

that likes to live in their sheets and eats them alive. There might be no chance of these monkeys making it. How about we do this? How about we just inject a little of our DNA and just spice up the process a little bit? And that's the idea. That's the idea. And that's also the idea of there's a guy named Zachariah Sitchin

and he wrote all these books about this shit, about the ancient Sumerians had written this. Very controversial stuff. But it's all about the Sumerian text and how the Anunnaki were on this planet that's in an elliptical orbit, and every 3,600 years it comes near our planet and they hop off and fucking come hang out with us for a little, show us some shit, and then disappear. And then by the time 3,600 years rolls around, we forget about it again. So when are we due?

Probably like a week or so. You just got to get online. Probably December 21st, 2012. Yeah, right. That's probably the only people think that. There's people that believe there's a planet out there and it's headed our way. They can't see it yet, but it's headed our way and it's giant. What's really scary is that that definitely can happen.

Planets get hit by planets all the time in the solar system. or in the universe rather and it hasn't happened we know it's happened in certain parts of our solar system like i think it's uranus is spinning upside down is it one of them one of the planets is spinning like the the rays are going the wrong way and they believe more than likely it's because it got fucking nailed by another planet. Wow. They just fly into each other and shit. Oh, that's hilarious. That happened to Earth. Earth 1 and Earth 2, that's how the moon was created.

Earth 1, like 4 billion years ago, got hit with some Mars-sized planet and just slammed into us and knocked off a fucking slab, and that created the moon. Useless astronomy 101. That was your last Thursday night? Yes. On the internet with this? No, man. I've been obsessed with all this shit forever.

That's what I love about you, dude. You're able to retain all this shit. I don't remember anything, man. Well, you would if it was interesting to you. This stuff is absolutely fascinating to me, so I retain Well, you would if it was interesting to you. This stuff is absolutely fascinating to me, so I retain all sorts of stupid shit when it comes to that. I find it fascinating, but I'll get into an article and I'll read

three sentences and then go make a sandwich and then forget what I was doing. Get some alpha brain assistance, son. Don't get scary. Don't be scared of the alpha brain. Get some shroom tech in your feet. Get some alpha brain in your head When you're not working

Do you sit around and watch documentaries? Do you ever purposely sit down and go Okay, I'm going to watch Grizzly Man I'm going to get some fucking material out of this Do you do shit like that? I don't sit down to get material No, never? No

Do you write when you write your stand-up? Do you sit down and go Okay, I'm going to sit down I'm going to write some stand-up Yeah You do? Yeah Do you force yourself to do that?

Yeah. How many times a week do you try to do it? If it's good, it's five days a week. Wow, good for you. And it went from 45 minutes a day to an hour. Because I felt like an hour was out of reach, but I could do 45 minutes. And then

a lot of times I would end up going an hour anyway. So then I would just go for an hour anyway so then i would just go for an hour but then you know when shit just starts getting busy i don't sit down maybe once a week you know but so much right i don't sit down to go i'm gonna go create all this stuff a lot of it's just like going over old stuff tidying it up making it funnier do you have like i have a bank of old shit that i'll open up a file again never did anything with them yeah is there anything there i got that I got the tape recorder that I always still rocking a tape recorder. It's digital. It's great cuz it

Just dump it in it's an mp3 and then I listen to it on my headphones or whatever I used to do that until I got an iPhone and the iPhone iPhone voice recorder app is so much better I can actually write in the name of what I thought of. Yeah, I like that, you know Blue Smurf dick, boom. And then that's like, you look at it, and you go right to the voice note. And you can have Siri play it. You can say, Siri, play me blue Smurf dick, and it'll play it. I just got the iPhone, though, so I don't even, I mean, I know about that stuff.

You just got it? Are you a noob? I'm a noob. Voice notes is in there. It's free. It's a free application. No, I know, but I mean, it's like I have this. I spent the money for this is in there it's free it's a free application no i know but i mean it's like i have this i spent the money for this i'm gonna use it because it doesn't throw

that into the crowd when someone angers you yeah that's the um the other cool thing about the iphone is you can record all of your sets i record all my sets on the voice thing and it doesn't you just make sure that you put it on airplane mode so it doesn't get a phone call because if you get a phone call it starts to get that it a phone call it'll kill the recording. Oh really? It stops it. Use Evernote if you haven't started that. That's awesome. It's a program where you can type your notes up on your computer and it automatically

just syncs it with your computer. Do you have to have MobileMe for that though? No. This is a free app in the App Store and Evernote's on Evernote.com I think. Does Evernote work with the new voice software on Apple? Can you talk to Evernote? Evernote has on Evernote.com, I think. Yeah, does Evernote work with the new voice software on Apple? Can you talk to Evernote? Evernote has its own recorder built into the program.

But it's a recording. It's not a translation. It's not like a transcription software. No, I don't think so. Because the droids have transcription shit built into different things. Yeah, they have with Dragon, I think. Or you can do it on Siri. Can you do it on?

But what I'm saying is, you don't know i don't know someone out there will know um but if you can that would be a good move for evernote we could talk to it and actually writes it down oh yeah you know instead of just recording it yeah because then it wouldn't be any better than voice recorder right you know neil brennan do you know neil brennan he had a great line about about having something like a piece of paper or you know having a voice recorder when you're a comic and he goes it's like i'm fishing for ideas and i catch one in my net and if i don't write it down it's gonna get away you know he's like but i write it down then i've caught it forever it's in my net yeah and i'm like yeah yeah it is like sometimes it's just the

discipline to sit down and write shit out because the discipline to write shit out is such a different mindset than the mindset that comes up with something silly. Like, you'll come up with something hilarious and ridiculous and that mindset is just like this shit talking, good time, fucking around mindset and then the other mindset is we might be able to make money off this here. This is a little piece of gold we got here so make sure we type this up. It's funny how they're both completely different minds you know it's a it's funny how uh they're they're both completely different mindsets where it's like we know a lot of funny people that like never write their shit down you know it's i'm a better comic when i do that yes and when i

don't i i suck a dick man i always tell everybody that man i was like there's two jobs man one job is performing there's another job it's writing you have to do. If you just try to come up with only shit on stage and just improve it on stage, you can do that, and I've done that for years. I did that for a long time. I just only worked on my material on stage, but this was like pre-internet days. This is much less people had access to your material.

If you want to continue to process new shit and come up with new good stuff, you've got to write. Yeah, that stuff is fine, but if you are sitting down to do it too that's that's the way to go yeah it's both because it doesn't exclude the ability to ad lib on stage kira sultanovich only writes on stage she told me you know who that is no i don't know it's just a comic but does she suck no she's funny she's hilarious she's really funny um but she only writes on stage. And I was just like, I can't. She goes, well, I just can't sit down and write.

And it's like, well, you've got to force yourself to do that. Yeah. Ari used to do it that way. Ari used to never write on stage. I used to tell him, or only write on stage. I used to tell him, did you sit down and write, man? No, I write on stage. I write on stage.

That's not writing, dude. That's performing. You're lazy. But this is the same guy who didn't clean his sheets for six months. Sure. Literally. But when you're doing a bit, like I'll do bits that I've done for years, and all of a sudden I come up with a new tag on stage.

Yes. Like that new tag is only going to come out on stage, not when I'm sitting down in my underwear or whatever. Yeah. And isn't it weird that you forget the tag, and then you'll be back in the bit and go, oh, here it is. It goes right here. I've got God. Taglines, for folks who don't know, they're like a little gift from the universe.

It's like you'll be on stage. You've got this perfect. I've had jokes that I thought were, I was like, I really like this joke. And then you have a tagline, boom. And it's like, oh, now this joke's a weapon. Now this joke has just hit some critical mass. Yeah, you're like, this joke is good. It's done.

No, it's not. Never done. Do you have like a schedule, is good. It's done. No, it's not. Never done. Do you have a schedule where you try to do put out shit for a couple years, put it down on a CD, and then try to write

a whole new schedule or a whole new act? No, I want to get to that point. Yeah, I've been recently doing that over the last few years. My last few specials have done that

where I abandoned one and started another one. It forces you to get after it. Yeah. Because right now, dude, I'm still doing shit from my second year of comedy. How long had you been in when we met you? When did we meet? Like 2004, 2005?

Somewhere around there. Had I done Last Comic yet? No, no. It was before Last Comic. Then I think it was like 2005. It might have been four. It was before Last Comic. Then I think it was like 2005? It might have been before. It was during the dark Joey Diaz days.

Joey Diaz, I've told this story before. I used to only bring one guy on the road with me. Because, you know, I do like an hour and 20 minutes or whatever. I only need one guy. It's fun traveling with one comic. Sometimes when you're traveling with two comics, you've got to get organized.

We lost Brendan Walsh in Houston. Perfect example. We got up in the morning. Brendan Walsh wasn't awake. He just wouldn't fucking wake up. Called his room. So we're trying to figure out how to get the fuck to the airport. And we had to abandon Brendan Walsh.

We had to leave him behind. But with Joey, I just could never be sure he was going to show up. I never knew. I never knew. And Phoenix was a perfect example. He didn't show up. He was supposed to show up i never knew i never knew and phoenix was a perfect example yeah he didn't show up he was supposed to go to phoenix and he just fucking slipped in between the howling you did like a thursday night show at tempe yeah and then there it was so fucking weird like after your show they had some weird contest or whatever that danny murr asked me to to do i don't even

know what the fuck it was for. And so the whole crowd stayed. You sold out Thursday night. The whole crowd stayed, and the first comic who went up just ate dog shit. And I don't even know who she was. I mean, just some horrible comic. And half the crowd gets up and walks out. And I'm last of this group of people. I'm like, fuck this.

And then I remember I saw you sit down to eat a meal after the the show and you're sitting there and and you were even turning to dan you're like why why are they what is this show going on like what did i finish the show now there's another show and this sucks and the same audience yeah and everyone's like walking up and leaving and i got back up and there was like 12 people in the crowd and i was like shit i was so pissed i didn't give a fuck anymore so i started doing my jokes but i like people were laughing but i heard you laughing loudest from the back i was like oh well this was a victory for tonight and then you would ask me you're like hey can you uh open for me the rest of the weekend because uh joey ds isn't here yeah that's how we met that was like two it was like 2004 but that was maybe my first show was february of 2003 oh so yeah you were really recent

fresh yeah you were really fresh i think you had said you'd just been doing it a year yeah it was like a tight seven which was good you know you did a great job man for someone who never performed like you know and in that sort of a situation a weekend a paid show it's a difference a paid show is a big difference. When people pay. Yeah, when there's money on the table. They go, who's this guy? When does Joey Diaz get up there? Right.

And then they find out that Joey Diaz, I ain't got a lot of your dog. I never left Vegas. This is one of the influences. He did it a bunch of times. But this is back in the dark days. Joey's very reliable now. He scares the shit out of me, man. He's awesome.

Like, I love him, but he scares the shit out of me i did shows in tucson with him and i was so afraid to talk to him why i did it was a great guy well because he's just like rough and and he's not like bad aggressive but he's just like in your face a little he gets mad at me for he'll get mad at me what was the last thing he got mad at me for oh susquehanna weed yeah he didn't like my weed we fucked up and we someone told me you should grind your weed in a coffee grinder. And I'm like, oh, that seems like it would make sense. You just, like, it would be really quick, right? But when you do that, it makes it way too fine.

And it packed these joints so thick, you literally couldn't inhale through them. So you couldn't get high. It was like, we figured it out. We figured it out after a while. You have to use, like, a regular grinder. You can't use a coffee grinder. It's just too much. So we did it with Joey, and he got so mad.

He was like, give me this fucking Susquehanna weed. Susquehanna? We thought he was talking about Hannah Montana, and it turns out it's Susquehanna, because that's what he'll say. Right. He wouldn't call you Josh McDermott. He would call you a fucking...

Josh McDermott. I like that guy, that Josh McDougal. He's fucking hilarious. And he would come up with just a subtle, and I think he does it a little bit on purpose, just a subtle fuck up in the way. He still calls Nick Swanson. Yeah, Nick Swanson he calls Nick Swanson.

He goes, listen, Brian Redman, I'm tired of your bullshit. Yeah, he's just, but he's a great guy. He's a national treasure to me guys like that it's just like how do you create a guy like that you could throw a million people through life

and you will never get a Joey Diaz it's a rare combination of events that have to take place to get a guy that's just that comical and doesn't give a fuck that's an original human it's so hard for someone

to really truly be themselves it's a very difficult thing that we have in this life this want for self acceptance and sex That's an original human. It's so hard for someone to really truly be themselves. It's a very difficult thing that we have in this life, this want for self-acceptance and sex and money. And poor Brian can't get on Wikipedia. The fuck, man. He gets upset about that. There's very few people in this world learn how to just not give a fuck.

Not give a fuck and be themselves. And Joey doesn't give a fuck. Joey just does. Listen, dog, if I'm on Wikipedia, I'm on Wikipedia. Whatever, dog. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I Joey doesn't give a fuck. Joey just dears his neck. Listen, dog, if I'm on Wikipedia, I'm on Wikipedia. Whatever, dog. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I ain't got time for that. You know what I'm on?

I'm on JoeyCocoDiaz.com. Go hit me up on Facebook, Twitter. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Big dicks in your ass is bad for your health. Are you going to any Halloween parties this year that you have to dress up for? Yes, and unfortunately, I took my three-and-a-half-year-old to the Halloween stores. Her idea, like, Daddy, we have to get you a costume. We have to get you a costume.

All right, let's do it. Let's do it. So she picked out this really fucking scary mask. I would go get it for you guys, but it's upstairs. It's a really scary zombie mask. I'm like, oh, I'm going to be a zombie. But I showed it to the one-year-old, and the one-year-old just started shaking her head okay throwing that away i can't wear it and so then i said well i'll just play with it with the

three and a half year old but when i put it on take it off daddy take it off like i had to take it off i'm like okay i'm taking it off and she's like okay put it on again and i put it on again she's no no take it off take it off it's too scary it's too scary so so i fucked that was my mom dude she would she would she's like the female andy kaufman right she would put the she would put It's too scary. It's too scary. So I fucked up. That was my mom, dude. She's like the female Andy Kaufman, right? She would put these ugly, hideous masks on that look like you dumped acid on their face and everything. Oh, my God. Your mom would do that?

Yeah. Dude, my mom was fucking crazy, right? So we'd come home from school, and she'd be sitting on the porch wrapped up in a blanket and a hat with that mask on. And we'd be like, hey, Mom. She'd be like, ah. Oh, my God. She'd be coming after it like eight years old just scaring the shit out of us that's awesome why did your mom want to scare you so bad i i don't know man she wanted to be like i think she wanted to be a comic but she just never really did anything about it you know like she's a dude she's the funniest person i know isn't it a that's a for us for someone who's done comedy, isn't it a sad, sad thing when you meet someone

who really should be a comic and they're not doing it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've all met them, right? Right, right. You know? Absolutely. Some of the funniest people I know are not comedians, not tied to the entertainment industry at all.

Yeah, I've met some hilarious regular people. Hilarious. My mom would do some crazy, crazy dark shit. Like, when she was nine months pregnant with my little brother, I'm like four or five years old, and she says, I did something bad, and she's like, come into the kitchen, you're getting punished. I go into the kitchen, she sits down on a stool,

and she goes, listen, how do you want me to punish you? I'm like, I don't know, I don't know. She goes, well, I'm going to kill your little brother. She told me this five years old. What? She sat on a stool, lifted her stomach, had a retractable knife knife which I didn't know was retractable

started jamming it into her stomach going oh my god I'm like oh my god you know what the fuck that was the childhood

I grew up in damn dude what the fuck like that type of shit that's crazy so then of course you know she pulls

she goes this is a retractable knife and knowing my mom she would do that shit all the time. But I'd be like, oh, that's hilarious. That's like the mother version of those cops that made those kids sit in the corner. That's like the mother version, though. Your mother's a criminal.

It sounds like growing up in the family guy house. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah, that sounded like so cartoonish. That's crazy. Is your mom still around? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is she still crazy as fuck?

You want to get revenge? We could do something really cool. Don't listen to him. He'll get you locked up in jail. You have a fine career ahead of you. You're an excellent stand-up comic. Thank you. I got the shit sprayed.

It's called Liquid Ass. It's awesome. Don't do it. I love my mom. Next thing you know, someone's dead hanging from a tree. That's how it goes. I don't resent her for any of this stuff. It made you probably funny.

It's one of the reasons why you're so irreverent. You have such a funny sense of humor maybe. Yeah, no, that's absolutely what it is. But she, I mean, but now that she,

you know, she had six kids and then, you know, everybody's got grandkids and everything so she starts to fuck with the grandkids

a little bit. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. This woman has to be stopped. Oh my God. You know, my brothers and sisters, we're all kind of onto her

so we're a little more protective. So like, my sister had a kid and I don't know, he was like eight months old or whatever. He was in her bedroom, like, with pillows around him on the bed so he wouldn't roll off or whatever. And we were just sitting around, and my sister-in-law goes, where's Judy? And you hear her from the bedroom. She goes, I'm not doing anything, which is scary shit because my mom's like always doing something. And we went back there and she was just sitting on the bed with the baby. And we don't know what the fuck was going on.

What? We don't think she was doing anything. But you still don't know with her because she was always fucking. What were you worried about? What did you think she would do? I don't know. I mean, it was never like. Dangerous?

It was never dangerous. It was never like. She's really crazy. Fun crazy. A fun crazy. Not like crazy like we're not going to let you be around the kids. It's kind of crazy, but you were worried that she was in there alone with the baby. Well, yeah. I think it was more like, well, where is she?

Why are we all at her house and sitting in her living room and she's not here? But when someone says, I'm not doing anything. I'm not doing anything, which may have just been to fuck with us. She would do that, too. Right. I get it. It's not bad crazy. I'm not doing anything, which may have just been to fuck with us. Like she would do that too. I get it. Like it's not bad crazy. I mean it's a baby like a trumpet, right? Obviously stabbing your stomach for your five-year-old was probably a poor choice in judgment.

But I knew my mom well enough at that point that I was like, oh, she's just kidding around once she told me. Oh my God. That's so crazy. I would come home from school. I'd come home from school and she'd like pop some blood capsules in her mouth. Oh my God. And lay on the sidewalk or in the middle of the way and I'd come home from school and she'd pop some blood capsules in her mouth. Oh my God. And lay on the sidewalk or in the middle of the way and I'd come home. What?

But we'd just step over and be like, get up, Mom. She was trying to get us to think that she passed out or something. Oh my God. But what if she actually did? Again, it's just like that fucking shitty sheriff. Your mom cried wolf every day. Yeah, every day. Holy shit. Fuck with us, man. Wow man wow but look look at the sense of humor you

got out of it oh she loves it she's milking it too with her friends and that you're a comic my son's a comic yeah i told you i was funny i got funny genes she's all over facebook or she just knocked it off like she's all over facebook yeah oh it's it's upsetting me. The last time I saw a mom that was into her son's career, it was Stanhope's mom. Stanhope's mom was pretty fucking funny. She was hilarious. She used to review porn for us on the Man Show. Stanhope's mom was hilarious. Yeah.

She was a character, man. Really fucking funny lady. Well, my mom's the type of woman that if i ever wanted her to do bits and everything she would but of course you know she fucked with us a lot man i mean i got stories just tons of stupid shit that she would do that's how you become a comic i guess though right i mean i don't think you become a comic well you can't say you never know you really there's no clear path it could be just someone has a sense of humor. And regardless of how nice their family was when they grew up.

I've met guys with seemingly perfect lives who have become comics, and they're funny. But if your childhood and upbringing was a little fucked up, that's a mine for you. Yeah, mine. Gold mine. I haven't really talked about my mom on stage much just because I don't want to blow it too early. Because the longer you do comedy, the funnier you become. talked about my mom on stage much just because i don't i don't want to blow it too early because you know like the longer you do comedy the funnier you become and you kind of understand your point of view a little bit more i know that there's such great shit there i don't want to blow it

early what you just told us on stage you don't think that could be hilarious on a show or telling what you just told us on stage yeah the knife have you ever talked about that on stage a little bit and people didn't laugh so that may have scared me away too. It's like, I know this is great, but I... Dude, it's hilarious. The problem is people are more horrified than finding it funny. Of course. But your sense of humor is a little warped that you found it hilarious, and then you

went, well, that's fucked up, but you still laughed. You just have to relieve them of that. You have to somehow or another relieve them of that. Yeah, add fake ketchup instead of blood and dipping fries into it. Okay, you motherfuckers. I'm not even listening. Silly, silly, silly boy. So if anybody

wants to find Josh, Josh is a fine stand-up comic. Check out his travels all over the place. And your TV show is... Retired at 35. We just got an air date. Our second season starts in March. And what network is it on? TV Land

It's a small cable network owned by MTV That's cool I love that channel It's what I go to sleep with It's great dude They do reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond Lucy Yeah

Cosby Show You ever watch Old Lucy? It's great You were a radio DJ for a while? Where at? In Phoenix In Phoenix. In Phoenix, Arizona?

Did I ever tell you how to... Do we got time? Did I ever tell you how I started with that? No. So I was like 14 years old. Do you remember the Tim and Willie show in Phoenix? Do you remember radio shows at all? Yes. Brian remembers.

So that was the show I worked for. Tim and Willie. Tim and Willie. It's country music. Okay. So anyway... I probably did their show. I did a lot of different...

Yeah, you did our show a lot. I did? Every time we... Did did our show a lot I did? Did I do it with you? I was the producer We ran into Tim at the mall one day Wandered around Super cool guys I was like 14 years old It was right when that song

Akey Breaky Heart was out People were starting to make fun of it The Billy when that song achy breaky heart was like was out and people were starting to make fun of it you know the billy ray cyrus song you know what i'm talking about yeah so so i would listen to their show because i thought they just had a funny radio show not necessarily because of the country music i could give a shit so one day i called up and i'm 14 years old and i requested achy breaky heart but i did a funny voice i said hello my name is kako can you play Achy Breaky Heart? And they're like, what the fuck is your name?

I said, oh, it's Kako. And they started asking me about it. Well, I hadn't thought of a back story and all this stuff. So I'm making it up on the fly. I'm like, well, I'm Filipino. I just moved to America. I love Achy Breaky Heart. And they're like, oh, sing it for us.

So I started singing it for them. And they loved it. They're like, hey, call us back anytime, Kako sing it for us. So I started singing it for them. And they loved it. They're like, hey, call us back anytime, Kako. It was great. So I'd call back every fucking day. Ah, that's awesome. And I'm calling. And I became this mini celebrity on their show as Kako,

which they didn't know was a fake guy. The story I told them, in the split second where I was coming up with this back story, I said I was born in England and moved to the Philippines when I was two years old because my father was in the Royal Air Force. That way I thought if I ever meet them, that will be the justification as to why I'm a white guy. Oh, that's hilarious. So you were going to show up a white guy with a Filipino accent?

Yeah. Oh, my God. That's brilliant. So they were like, oh, yeah, Kako, call us anytime. And they would play the fucking phone calls. Then I started calling up as a guy named Josh. And I'm like, dude, I'm Kako's biggest fan. Could you play his phone call from yesterday?

So I was like marketing myself and everything. They're like, yeah. So they would do these little concerts. And Garth Brooks would come into town. And they would introduce Garth Brooks on stage. And they would invite some of the players from the radio show out. And Kako was like this big big star and he would come out there and um in fact the first time i met them i walked into the studio and they just looked at me and

they're like what the fuck and they're like okay you can drop the accent now and i'm like what are you talking about i've never broke character dude really never broke character and and this whole bit came about how i was looking for a job. I was in high school and they were trying to find me a job and then they would find me these jobs but I couldn't go to the job because I was fucking in high school. And they're like, hey, so they call me and they're like,

Kako, yeah, you never showed up for your job. And the guy slept in. So then... That's hilarious. So I had like 10 different characters going on on the show and they didn't know it was all from one guy and then they said at one point they were like kakko you should work down here man and i got scared that's when i got scared and i was like oh this is my real voice and their and their jaws dropped i thought i was gonna get arrested or something

and they're like no they're like dude you have to work down here oh that's hilarious that's how i got the job with them and so from gosh what was that 90 93 until 2007 i worked for them whoa yeah that's amazing we were syndicated you were there for 14 years yep holy shit yeah we were syndicated for a while i was the the producer for that And I would travel the country So did we meet when I came in to do it? Because I never really remember sitting down and talking to you Until I saw you on stage Yeah, we met I met you before that

Was it just like a high, walking through the hallway? Yeah, it was just like, hey, can I get you some water? And we're going on the air in 10 minutes Or some of that bullshit I probably remember this Because I must have remembered it when I first saw you do stand up because i'm i'm remembering it now like a glimmer of it i think you would ask someone from the club you were like hey who was that that you know blonde fat kid with the glasses who who you know who

was funny last night i want him to open for me they're like oh we'll see him tomorrow morning and you probably came in and did our show and then you said hey do you want to it was something like that it might have been it might have been that yeah but i mean so long ago yeah it's crazy time flies man but we would have all the comics on and i mean i've met so many people and no one i don't ever expect anyone to remember who the fuck i was that must have been a cool job you know like it was great about doing stand-up and well it started to suck and that's why i started doing stand-up because we got bought out by clear channel there it is and that just made me what happened they sucked the fun out of it man what they do uh just all the budget cuts all you know like my mind just works in being funny i just want to be funny and then they were just like well we need you to start figuring out ways we can sell

advertising time and i'm like i'm a fucking writer and a producer. I'm not, you know, talk to the salespeople. Yeah. And it just made the show not fun. They wanted you to find? Well, yeah. It was like, well, what kind of bits can we do that we can sell to an advertiser, to this tire company? What?

So this tire company, we've got this advertiser, and they want to buy airtime with us, but they only want to do it on the morning show. They're like, so can you figure out a funny bit we can incorporate tires into? I'm like, no. What the fuck? It's like weird shit like that. And I'm just like, this is not fun. That's a dumb way to approach it. They should say, just make it the funniest thing possible, and we'll sell regular ads.

Go. Be nutty. Our radio station was owned by Buck Owens. You know who Buck Owens is? Country star. Yeah. Legendary dude. And he owned like two by Buck Owens. You know who Buck Owens is? Country star. Yeah. Legendary dude. And he owned like two or three radio stations, and we were one of them.

So we were like the focus of that company. When Clear Channel came in, they got hundreds of stations that could give a shit about us. And it just stopped being fun. And so I had a buddy who started doing stand-up, and I was writing jokes for him. And then I'm like, oh, I'll give this a shot. And it was more of an outlet for me because i'd have to censor myself on the air they got this guy i don't remember his name but he was like the ceo or something and he was always like i think he was like listening to like a 50 cent song uh-huh and uh and his daughter was in the car

and he like had to turn it down he's like we got we're censoring everything and we're you know like clear channel really started putting their thumb on everything. So much shit was edited. Fucking 50 Cent. All that stuff. 50 Cent and white girls. Janet Jackson, 50 Cent and white girls. Yeah.

Just a big mess. You need a podcast. 100%. Oh, 100%. Ryan, what are you going to do for me, man? I'll get you that Wikipedia page. Well, listen, man. If you sign up on the Desk Squad and be a part of his podcast network,

they right now are number seven. There's a number seven. Yes, right now. He's in the top ten. That's great, man. Well, we started doing this thing live at the Ice House, and we aired one half of it on mine and one half of it on his. And when we put one half of it on his, his shit jumped all the way up.

Oh, number six. He's number six right now so by doing his podcast automatically you're going to get seen or listened to by hundreds of thousands of people yeah that you wouldn't normally do so we'll just do it on on his and dude you you're perfect for this you've got great stories you're a fucking smart guy it'll help your stand up It's easy as fuck to do Yeah You know And you could probably

Set it up where you could Do it from your own Fucking house Yeah that'd be great And just get Brian to file Not hard No You gotta come over

To my house now No you have to come To my house Why are you making Him come over to your house Dude I'm on a TV show Man I don't have to Go to your house

I think it's your own Show too right No well I mean That's what I tell people. No, I'm not. Who's the star? George Segal. Oh, the old dude?

Yeah, from Just Shoot Me. Oh, that guy's a great actor. Jessica Walter, the old man. The old man. The old woman from Arrested Development. Someone else is doing something with him. I like her. She's cute.

Maybe it was you. Were you talking about him? What? Where did that George Segal go? I think we talked about this Friday night at the Ice House. Was that what it was? Yeah. Oh, that's what it was.

And we talked about it on the actual Live at the Ice House podcast. Yeah. So that one, that one Live at the Ice House podcast, that's what did it. So get in with us, son. Come on, dude. We'll do it. It's getting juicy. Every comic needs this, man.

Every comic. It's like having your own radio station with no fucking clear channel. Not one cunt to step in and tell you. There's no way I would be able to say cunt this much on a radio station as many times as I should. Juicy black cunt. I've tallied it only because it's habit. I've tallied you and you've said it 14 times, but that's only because it's out

of habit. Do you do it out of habit because of radio career? Because of your years? Yeah. Wow. I said cunt 14? 15. 15 now. Wow. Nice. Some guy's going to go back and check now. Cunts a beautiful word The end The end of this fucking podcast

Thank you to Josh McDermott Hilarious stand-up comic My friend for many a year now And please follow him on Twitter It's Josh McDermott D-E-R-M-I-T-T That's M-I-C-D-E-R-M-I-T-T Follow him on Twitter

And thank you to the Fleshlight If you go to JoeRogan.net And click on the link, enter in the code name Rogan, you will get 15% off The number one sex toy for men Thank you also to Onnit.com O-N-N-I-T Makers of Alpha Brain

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McDermott along with a free flashlight as he leaves tonight, will your girl, do you have a steady woman in your life? Yes. Do you think that she would be offended by this new intruder, this rubber vagina? I would not be offended. We'll see. Thank you, Brian.

This fucking show's over. All right, we'll see you guys on Thursday. Probably do a Thursday afternoon show. Are we going to do Eliza? She's recording her show still, but she's coming up soon. Who are we going to do on Thursday? We're doing so many on Thursday. Who are we doing?

We'll figure it out. Thursday, bitches. It's a 3-3-3 podcast week. And this is UFC weekend, too, so we'll probably talk about that on Thursday, too. Maybe we'll get Joe Diaz in here. Yeah. I don't give a fuck. Listen, cocksucker, I got other shit going on. You might want

to walk on ice. You might as well dance. That's the end of this podcast. As always, all you people out there driving your cars, listening on your treadmill, whatever the fuck you're doing, we're all in this together. And we love you. And we'll see you soon. Bye. Bye. Thank you.