The Joe Rogan Experience - #1523 - Joey Diaz & Brian Redban

Episode Date: August 12, 2020

Joey “CoCo” Diaz is a Cuban-American stand up comedian and actor. Joey also hosts his own podcast called “The Church of What’s Happening Now", available on Spotify. Brian Redban is a comedian and the founder of the Deathsquad podcast network. Also look for him on “Kill Tony".

Salute gentlemen Salute Happy birthday my brother Thank you for being here To many more Thank you young Jamie Thank you Thank you all

Woo Tremendous 53 spins around the sun I have not fucking had a drink The whole fucking The whole COVID The whole COVID You know I didn't drink before that either

No you weren't much of a drinker It's fuck Every night I go home I'm gonna have a make up Cause I need to make some light Five points Oh yeah The whole COVID. I didn't drink before that either. No, you weren't much of a drinker. Every night I go home, I'm going to have a make-up because Heineken makes a light. Five points. Oh, yeah. Tremendous. They make a double zero that actually tastes good. Zero alcohol.

Heineken has, for sure, the best non-alcoholic beer. Really? It tastes like fucking beer. If you were an alcoholic, you'd be like, oh like oh my god i fucked up like you know how you have those like i like o'douls it tastes good but it doesn't taste like beer a cold o'douls is delicious i like those non-o i do some people don't like them i like them like a cold one it's really nice but it you know what you're doing with the heineken they kind of trick you i don't know what the fuck they're doing they're doing doing some weird shit. Because it tastes like beer. Well, beer is like a taste, kind of.

That's why duels work. It's kind of like that smoke juice you put in meat. Like, oh, that's the taste of smoke. Right. Or like watermelon gum. That shit don't taste like watermelon. No, it's still good. But you know what it is.

It's so crazy how beer, like I grew up on six packs and eight packs. Eight packs with eight ounces yeah nips you got a case of nips or a case of beer and then you went out to Colorado and had 3.2 3.2 alcohol low alcohol if you're on the Utah 18 and 21 oh really that's what you have to drink then when you turn 21 they give you the full dose they used to be a club on the hill. I forget what it was in the University of Boulder downstairs. And that's what they served you, 3.2 beer.

Right around the time I was turning 18 was the time they made it 21 years old. I'm pretty sure. Find out when they did it in Massachusetts. When did Massachusetts make the drinking age from 18 to 21? I feel like I missed it by like a year or two, but probably for good. They were like, Jesus Christ. I remember that when I was in elementary.

People were mad about that. At least make it harder for them. Fucking animals. Thank you for the COVID test. My pleasure. I did the blood test. Okay, it's 1979. They've raised the drinking age from 18 to 20.

Huh, but when was it 21? Okay, 84. Dukakis. Exactly. But when was it 21? Okay. 84. Dukakis. Exactly. Okay. So 84, I was 17. That son of a bitch.

And he raised it from 20 to 21. Dukakis also fucked up. He gave out furloughs to prisoners and wanted to escape and kill somebody. So when I got into a halfway house. Wasn't it? Somebody. Somebody. When I got to a halfway house, everybody was mad at the caucus because you couldn't have furloughs no more. Oh. He used to furlough

prisoners. Yes. It was Willie something or another, right? I forget the whole story, but I know that people in prison were furious because they couldn't go to fucking on furloughs no more. That poor guy. The caucus let him go for like four days like a fucking, you know, like

club med for four days. He's a fucking prisoner. I ain't gonna let him go to club med days, like a fucking, you know, like club med for four days. He's a fucking prisoner. I ain't going to let him go to club med. And that was the end of that thing. Well, they're releasing a lot of prisoners right now because of COVID. They're opening up the doors. 18,000 in California. Did you hear that one that just.

That came out of jail and shot the motherfucker who accused him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't. Yeah. I don't know if this is the best idea, kids. There's a lot of those people who are very violent. It depends on what you're letting out. If you're letting out some dude who sold weed, you should have let him out a long time ago.

You know, you're letting out some guy who's selling mushrooms. Let that guy out. Don't keep him in a fucking cage with people who are murderers. We've had this conversation before. You've got to let out the people that are nonviolent drug offenders. Yes, all of them. Nonviolent drug offenders, first-time offenders, unless, you know what the big thing in jail is sometimes

when you go to county? There's a big DUI population. Really? There's motherfuckers that can't stop getting DUIs. I think my ex-brother-in-law has the record in Colorado. I'm not making a joke here. There's people that stay in the system because of the DUI problem. They got to blow into a tube before they start their car.

Yeah, my friend Robbie has that. Yeah, they got all types of shit. And then they put you in work release. That's a complete different situation. Then, you know, they have different levels of it, you know? They're blowing in the thing. It takes some time, too. He couldn't just start his car.

So if it was cold out, like we were playing pool, and I go, how long does that take? He's like, it takes like five minutes. You just got to sit here. Because it has to check to see to make you all right. And you can't, there's no getaways. Like if someone's chasing you you hop in the car you gotta blow on the thing get the car to start

I had a friend that did that he used to just pay people $5 to blow in there he would get hammered come here what are you doing blow in there do you know what happened in Chicago do you have any idea what happened this weekend in Chicago no oh about the there was a shooting and then there was some crazy looting.

They'd broken the Tesla. And Jamie was the first one to tell me that there was like an incorrect story. The incorrect story was that a 14-year-old girl was shot. Is that what it was? Or a 15-year-old girl was shot? I heard, yeah, a 15-year-old was shot and killed by the police, but it was misinformation that was... And I don't know how that got out or who put it out initially.

I didn't find out that part of it, but it was actually a 20-year-old that was not killed and was in the hospital. So I don't know. Yeah, we're one of those away. We're one of those away from this whole fucking thing exploding in different cities again. Why do you feel this strongly about Los Angeles lately? There's too many people here, Jerry. cities again. Why do you feel this strongly about Los Angeles lately? I've seen you make a very,

ever since the Houston trip, you've been a different person. Well, I've been thinking about it for quite a while. I've been thinking about leaving LA for a while. I think, I don't, this is just my feeling. I don't think this is a healthy way to live. I don't think it's good for your brain. I really don't. Which part of it? The people that live here. Like, I wonder if it's a coincidence that so many people that live in cities have like, it's like cities are always Democratic, right? Almost always. Cities are rarely Republican. Isn't that weird? Like, I don't know.

I mean, is Houston like that? That's a pretty big city. Dallas is a pretty big city. But I think they might be blue I think the cities might be blue and then the states are all you know the the surrounding areas red me and Jamie grew up Red I wonder but I always used to think that that was because they were smarter I just think that they were more educated so they're more likely to be Democrats because I

my family was Democrats growing up and I always felt like that was like the people who are really interested in freedom of speech, really interested in education, really interested in welfare and making programs for poor people and prison reform. They didn't want the death penalty. They wanted you to have the right to choose. That's what it was always to me. So why the fuck are they all lumped up in cities? What is that? It's because that's where all the universities are.

But there's some universities that know in the middle of nowhere too it's weird it's weird how cities are like if you just forget if you had a dog in the fight if just looking at people it's odd that these big giant clumps are almost always the lean democrat it's weird and then when shit like what's going on now happens, where you have violent reactions on a regular basis, like on a regular basis, there's riots on a regular basis. There's crazy shit going on in Portland, Seattle. They're trying to burn federal buildings. This isn't rare. This is like every day.

We're totally accustomed to it. Have you noticed? You see a fucking looting and a riot and a building on fire on TV. You don't even flinch. You don't even flinch. You don't even flinch. That used to be a big deal, right? Remember like the Waco days? That was a big fucking deal.

There was a standoff with the feds and a compound, and there was a guy who thought he was Jesus who was fucking everybody's wife, and they had guns. And you're like, holy shit. Waco was fucked up. What year was Waco? 94, 95? Hicks was alive because Hicks talked about it on stage.

So it had to be pre-90s. I think Hicks died in like 93 in that area. It was like Hicks and Kinison died within a couple of years of each other. It was Waco and then the Oklahoma City bombing, which blew our fucking minds. Waco, 93. Okay. 93 and then 94 and 95 was the Oklahoma City bombings which really

fucked with me that week. I snorted a lot of coke. The Oklahoma City bombings are very interesting. Very interesting that week. Very interesting. There's a lot of weird stuff. April 19, 1995. I was still living in Boulder. Do you see that building? Look at the building. There's people to this day that don't believe

that that was just a car filled with some sort of explosive that did that. Damn. The most thing I remember that fucked with me. They say it's too uniform. It was a daycare on the basement. That's what destroyed me that week. And I remember I bought a big batch of Coke and I cut it and I was trying to sell it. And I did the whole bag in four fucking days just watching the coverage on this.

There are some fucking insane people out there. And there are people that are so insane they'll plant a bomb in front of a building and blow the whole side of it up. They don't give a fuck who's inside. Timothy McVeigh. Yeah. And then you had the Unabomber around that time.

Look at how it blew. That's crazy so there was all these reports the problem is like eyewitness reports after traumatic events like that they're always off people always like you know they don't know what they saw they're so fucked up and you could tell them what they saw and then they'll repeat what you said it does happen with people when they there's a big crazy explosion like that people so you don't know who's telling the truth. But there was a lot of people that were saying they saw people carrying off bombs that were unexploded.

They saw the FBI carrying off bombs, like that there was more than one bomb. And then the way it looks, if you look at the way the building exploded, the way they were explaining, I was watching something on it, that the way one of those bombs would go off, if it was just a fertilizer bomb, it wouldn't necessarily go off that way, where it looks like the whole side of the building is going out. That it would be located, the blast would be, all the damage would be where the truck was located.

But being a moron and not knowing shit about explosives, I don't know if that's true, but it does get interesting. Like, who gave him this information? Why is he blowing up that building? Like, what the fuck is going on? You could do that with a truck and some manure? Is that real?

That's a hell of a fucking bomb. Can you do that? Like, could any crazy fuck just fill a pickup truck up, fill with fertilizer, do what they have to do to light it on fire and make it explode and blow up a building like that? How was this? One guy was a suicider or he just left it there and detonated it?

I think he just left it there. Left it and detonated it. Then they caught him, the one guy that was a pair. They were part of a paramilitary group in the hills of Michigan or some shit. There's something extra spooky about those white dudes who live in the woods who are plotting to overthrow the government. Right? There's something extra spooky about those guys. And that's what you think of when you think of Timothy McVeigh.

You think of those kind of people. Those people, like, it's a real sad story. You ever hear the Ruby Ridge story? No. That was a real sad one. That was a guy who got in a standoff with the cops, with the Federales, and they fucking shot his wife while she was holding the baby. I forget exactly what they were after him for i forget

exactly what it was but it was an egregious overuse of power i mean they murdered these people and the snipers murdered these people and the people eventually shot back and then i mean it's just a bloodbath but it became a symbol of how if you give people that kind of power you know you don't know exactly how they're going to wield if you give people that kind of power, you don't know exactly how they're going to wield it. You give people the power to pull guns out and storm some fucking cabin in the middle of the woods. Some people are more than willing to shoot people. Did you ever see this story?

It's Tony Kyrtis. What is it? This was a live press conference that got put on like every news channel a friend of mine sent this to me recently there's like a whole youtube series about i think it's maybe even on amazon prime what's going on he's really mad at this dude i think he was like his mortgage broker or something like that he got taken advantage of and so he kidnapped him oh it's like a four-day ordeal oh my god and he took over all the airwaves to get his story heard. I started looking into it the other day. It was insane.

I'd never even heard of it. It was in 1979 or something, 77. Is he still alive? What's his yelp look like? I actually think he might still be alive. When I looked him up, I think he was alive, yeah. This is the creepiest start to any podcast I've ever been on in my life. Buildings blowing up.

Some poor fucking governor with a gun to his fucking head. What the fuck is going on here? What the fuck is going on here? I just did a COVID test. I feel good. You know what I'm saying? And also they come into bombs and fucking explosions. Where's the happiness?

It's your birthday, cocksucker. Thank you very much. Happy birthday to me. We're getting the fuck out of here because all you need to do is hook a fucking left on La Cienega and then hook another left on Melrose and drive and play a game. Let's count the four lease signs. Yeah. And then think about.

You can't just shut things down. Think about the last time you were at the improv. Close your eyes and think about the last time you were at the Melrose Improv. Now open them. When you go to Melrose now, think of the last time you were there. And think of how long it's going to take for Melrose to be like that again. Melrose was destroyed already. That is why I am leaving, because of things like this.

I see an 18-month comeback, and that's a guy with a GED. I see it's going to take, let's say we go April. That's assuming everything goes well. That's assuming everything goes well, and everybody does the vaccine. Or some people say it's going to disappear on election day. It's going to just disappear. I don't fucking know either. Whoever those people are. on election day. It just disappeared. I don't fucking know either. I don't fucking know either.

But I'm looking at this as an 18-month recovery. West Hollywood is going to be last because of the supermarket situation. They had 29 infected employees, and they spread it throughout the community in Hollywood. West Hollywood is going to be last. Did you know that? That all those Hollywood's going to be last. Did you know that? That all those bars are going to be last. So I'm sorry to give you the fucking bad news.

Joey, you just went off on Joe about starting this podcast off with bad news, and now you made me feel worse. We're talking about why we're leaving here. We're talking about why we're leaving. Why we're leaving, that's why. And the other thing that bothered me was the no school.

Burbank ain't bad right now. You know, like, Burbank ain't bad. You're homeless for 24 hours there and then you disappear. Let me tell you something about Burbank,

though. Burbank, every time I go, I go to Burbank just to look around. I got friends that live in Burbank. I go to two areas

of Burbank. I go down Magnolia to Victory by Alberto's and I see that street is getting very eerie. Like when you go on that street, you feel two

things are coming. An earthquake. Every time I'm on Magnolia, I think of an earthquake. Like this is good earthquake weather for some reason by the Donut Hut. And then you see those people lining up for guns. There's three stores in the road. Oh, there's three of them right around me, yeah.

Joe Rogan, that's crazy. They're every day. I was driving the other day, 9.30 in the morning. There was a big line in front of Peterson's trying to buy guns. Yeah. Oh. Yeah, it's crazy. I follow all the gun shops around me, and they all have Instagrams, of course, and they

show all the guns they got in for the day. And I'm like, oh, you I might I may get one of those and then like an hour later it's sold out like shoes like there's a line constantly on all three of those guns. How fucking sad is that? Well this is what this is what's sad what's sad is I mean we now we know we didn't have a plan if everything went sideways like this and you can't like governors and mayors it's their fault right but it's not their fault because really get that fucking job is a ridiculous job in a pandemic like all of a sudden there's a new problem that's presented with you you don't have the resources to fix it

people are not going to listen they're going to want to party they're going to want to still go out they're going to do and you're in this situation where you know a large percent it didn't turn out to be as bad as we thought it was, but they thought it was going to be a large percentage of our population could possibly die. And you don't have the resources. And what do you do? And governors, even though they are in that position, they're in that position because they got elected. They're not in that position because they passed a battery of tests and show that they know exactly how to respond to any given circumstance. They were charismatic.

They had the right money behind them. They said the right things. They backed the right bills. And then you become a mayor, and then you become a governor. But it doesn't mean you know what to do if things go sideways, and no one knows what to do. And the fact that they were always getting those checks, they're always getting those checks.

No matter what happened, no matter what shut down, they kept getting those government checks. And they told all these other people they couldn't work. Like, you can't, that's not a plan. That's not a sustainable plan. You can't tell people you can't work, but I'm going to keep getting paid. And I'm going to tell you when you can go back to work again. Because people are going to go, fuck you.

Like, you can't just keep everything shut down for five months. That is California. I don't know what the proper response would have been. I don't know. But this wasn't it. This wasn't the best case scenario. And again, not a fucking word about your health. Not a word about taking vitamin D. Not a word about exercise.

Not a word about drink water. Not a word about cut out sugar. Not a word about use this as an opportunity to lose weight. We have to up our metabolic health. We have to be we have to take vitamins. We have to be better about our health. Not one word! Everything's wear a mask and you can't do this and you can't do that. Don't open this and don't open that.

And look, they weren't prepared. That's all it is. They're not bad people. People think that they wanted to sabotage the state or sabotage the city. I'm sure Garcetti and Newsom are nice guys. They probably are fine to hang out with. The problem is, nobody was ready.

Nobody knew what the fuck this was. I can't hang out with Garcetti. He says Los Angelinos too much. Leave it alone, alright? No, it's Angelinos. Angelinos. He drives me fucking crazy. Newsom looks like he could smoke a joint with him. Maybe. And talk to him and he'll go, you're right. I fucked up.

But Garcetti's too. What about the fucking DA's husband's getting charged with assault because Jackie Lacey's husband is getting charged with a misdemeanor assault because when they went to his house to protest,

that brother pulled out a piece. Did he really? They said, get the fuck away from my door. And they took a picture of him. And they charged him with misdemeanor, whatever, assault. The DA's husband. My God. It's just been, you know. The mayor or the head of police of Seattle just quit.

Yeah, that motherfucker tapped. He sent a letter out. It's a lady. No, it's a lady. She says cuts. That's a $4 million, $8 million? Well, you know, the cops, they see the writing on the wall. For whatever reason, people decide they hate cops now.

It's, look, there's bad people in every fucking job. You know, the problem with being a bad cop is it can ruin a person's entire life, ruin the life of a family. When you see someone abuse someone like that, like what we saw, it's natural to get upset. We all got upset. But it's not every cop. And I think that's a crazy way of looking at things, and they're figuring that out right now in New York.

New York has record crime, man. New York is going off the fucking hook. My friend John Joseph, he lives in New York. He's always sending me updates York is going off the fucking hook. My friend John Joseph, he lives in New York. He's always sending me updates. What's off the fucking chains? It's crazy. And John's never left. He's the lead singer of the Cro-Mags. Hardcore dude.

Does triathlons and shit. He's not going anywhere. You're not kicking him out. But he's, you know, he sends me his updates on crime. Nobody gives a fuck. It's crazy. It's like these guys, I mean the criminals on crime. Nobody gives a fuck. It's crazy. It's like these guys, I mean the criminals, they don't give a fuck. They're getting wild. They're stealing catalytic converters in my neighborhood.

Yeah. Catalytic converters are going like fucking hotcakes now, okay? That's so crazy. I thought of stealing crazy shit. How much does that work? Like when I was doing coke, I was thinking about bringing it to the White House, shit like that. But who would rob a fucking catalytic converter

right off the street? They melt them down to platinum, they sell it, and that's how they're making a living. Studio City the last week, they've been hitting neighborhoods, so if you park on the street,

they clip your catalytic converter. How weird. But it's great. Everyone has Nest Cams now and home security cameras. So, like, next door has become my new fetish of just watching people's home security of, like, people walking in the neighborhood doing nothing. That's crazy. This guy looks suspicious.

Let me tell you guys a fact. Our friend's martial arts school got robbed the other night. Yeah? What'd they steal? She caught it on camera. She dialed 911. They put her on hold for an hour what? So you're dead you're dead buddy

Always called a non-emergency line by the way And always press to always press to you want the Spanish they pick up quicker for you fucking unemployment W's that haven't gotten unemployment. You just gave up the secret. I don't need unemployment no more. You got to press two. Speaking Spanish, they get answered quicker. You dumb fucks. You learned something new with Uncle Joey.

Why are you pressing one? It's the same. Press two if you speak Spanish. The lady's going to answer, and you're going to talk to her like halfway, like, me no sabe, and she'll fucking give you your paperwork. And next thing you know, you got your unemployment. But everybody presses one like a fucking knucklehead. Think about that next time.

Think about press Spanish and see how quick they fucking pick up the phone. Isn't it crazy how everybody went from everything's great, the economy's great. We hate Trump, but other than that, things are great. That was how the country was. And then all of a sudden, everybody wants a gun. Same people. Same people. It's because people are actually scared.

They're watching that video of live footage. That's scared a lot of people. They also know people who have died, so they're scared to go to work. There's that, too, right? That compounds it. Everybody knows somebody who's gone because of covid or knows somebody yeah that tastes tremendous by the way i don't know who made that buffalo trace it's the that is delicious delicious yeah it's very good i don't have to drive i have nine this is older than america

this company started in 1773. That is fucking delicious. Where are they out of? Kentucky. Buffalo Trace. You do two more of those. They used to make booze when it was illegal. They did it for medicinal reasons. I didn't know they had a weed scam.

They have a weed scam today. They used to have a booze scam. Same thing. You could distill whiskey for medicinal purposes like a doctor could prescribe it like Brian you need a drink thanks doc you go to doctor and cut your script there's some whiskey I guess which what the fuck did they use whiskey for for medicinal purposes I used to drink I used to drink Jack and pull my teeth out. When I didn't have insurance, when I was a young comic. Oh, God.

If I had a toothache on the way home, I'd stop and get a little pint of Jack, do shots, gargle with it, and work the tooth. A couple bumps to numb the head, and you're fucking good to go. It was terrible. Something about losing your teeth that's extra creepy. Listen to me, dog. From the cocaine drip from all those years, right at the end, nobody really caught it. You got to watch an episode of My Name is Earl. When I go, I sing a song at the end.

Tim Stacks, Tim Stacks, what you gonna do? Look at my tooth. My tooth is black. I had already quit coke two weeks. And all of a sudden, like a month later, I see that episode and I'm like, oh shit. Your tooth was dead? I got a cocaine tooth. Oh my God.

From the nerve. Nobody caught it. So I went to the doctor for something different. It was like the 22nd of December. And he was like a Beverly Hills dentist. Like this idiot sent me to like the, you know, your friend's dentist. Jamie from My Name is Earl. Like he has the movie stars and shit.

They sent me there. I'm no movie star. You got to pay $200 just to walk in there. So I went in there for something different. And the doctor said to me, what are you going to do about that little other cocaine toot? And he goes, yeah, I had one of those at one time. That's the best when the doctor cops are doing drugs. How many doctors copped are doing drugs?

I got two of them that have copped to me. Three of them. Wow. Like cocaine? Four. Four. Wow. One that I grew up and I would see him out at clubs, and he'd come up to me.

I was 21. He was like 50, and he'd come up to me. He'd go, what do you got for the head? In Spanish. In Cuban, miss. He used to say, ¿Qué tiene para la cabeza? And I'd go, aspirin. And he would go, ¿Puede ser un gato?

Y me iba a dar un palo. And he would walk away from me. My one family doctor, whenever I went to see him, the best 20 years of my doctor, I couldn't give him nothing hand to hand, but I walked into his office, put it on his desk, and then I go to the examination room. I never gave him a blow. I just gave him like lollipops and brownies. I remember one time I went in and he's like,

listen, man, I found one of your brownies one night and I ate it. Holy shit. Next thing you know, I was making a steak sandwich at four in the morning. What the fuck was in that thing? Oh, yeah. And then my heart doctor now, he's the best.

That's the best doctor I've ever had. He's got three stents in his heart from doing blow. He sold Quaaludes in Chicago. He's a fucking nut. But I love him. Love him to death. Joey, what do you think happens to the country? Me? Yeah, how does this, when you look at it,

how does this even out? Listen, first of all, I'm going to be as honest as I can with you. I don't know what red means and what blue means. I've never, I grew up hanging out with guys that were Democrats. I ripped signs down as a kid for people. I did all that political dirty shit as a kid. And guess what?

By the age of 13, I saw the theft at the municipal level. I couldn't imagine the thievery at the presidential, the senatorial level, and the governor level. I couldn't imagine what the thievery was, okay? I saw it firsthand as a child. I was involved with it. I saw the payoffs. I went to Long Island with this family. I saw all this shit.

I saw how things got done, you know. So I lost my faith in it. Like, I don't't really believe and I think it's all a bunch of bullshit Joe Rogan's running for president. I Got a drug that is gonna hook people It's gonna fuck people up. I donate five billion to Joe Rogan Joe Rogan makes a few calls and gets that drug passed and every year I donate five million to Joe Rogan Joe Rogan makes a few calls and gets that drug passed and every year I donate five million to Joe Rogan it's a little more complicated than that but it's in the same fucking neighborhood it's in the same fucking neighborhood

no I'm agreeing you buy yourself into this oh yeah you know what as far as politics I never trusted so this disclaim me as a politician. I'm talking about as a human being. I see a lot of despair. I see a lot of fear. I see, you know, yesterday somebody put a thing up and they said that they shut the clubs down in San Diego. And I go, thank fucking God. And a lot of people said shit to me. And I'm like, I'm not saying because of that.

I'm saying because of the social despair. I think that if you're in a parking lot doing comedy, and a guy just went home and his wife broke up with him, and all of a sudden he checks the mail, he's losing the house, and he gets in his car to go for a ride. You know, how many farmer's markets do people get hit at with cars? Especially lately. People have been running through people lately.

I don't want to see some guy run through a parking lot in La Jolla and hit a bunch of people watching a comic. Right now is not a time to do comedy. You know what? People want to laugh, but their moral compass is off. We're confused. Do we wear a mask? Do we not wear a mask?

Is there a disease? Am I going to get unemployment? Am I going to get evicted? There's a lot of things going on in people's minds. You know, people snap on daily basis as just getting caught on the 405. About, you know, expect a huge amount of people losing it. You've got to be well-grounded.

Thank God I do copy you. I get up in the morning. I do some shit. I do two bong. And I got on a mountain bike. I can't hike. But I got on a mountain bike. And I go all the way to cold water.

Beautiful. And I come back. And I get vitamin D. And then I wash my pussy. And then I do what I got to go do. So I get all that shit out of the way. I don't watch no TV. I don't want to hear it no more.

You put COVID, anything. World News Tonight is the number one watched show. Why? Because they're just selling you shit. Disasters. They're just selling you disaster. I don't watch it. The TV wasn't allowed in my house until 6.

Now it's 7. And then I don't watch Jeopardy or Game of Fortune. That shit fucks me up because it makes me feel too old. Remember when I'd call for you? I'd call for you at 7.15. Yeah. Who is it? It's Joey.

I'm here to call for Joe. Hold on one second. Come in. How you doing, Mrs. Rogan? How you doing, Joey? Mrs. Rogan, shh, hold on. And she's watching Jeopardy. So when I was a kid, if you watched Jeopardy, you were an old person.

So every time Jeopardy comes on now, I get pissed off. I'm like, what the fuck am I doing home? Because when Jeopardy comes on, 7 o'clock, you and I are getting ready to go on stage. That's a good show, though. That's a good show. I know it's a good show. I get like one answer per show. It doesn't matter.

Yeah, I'm a dumb fuck. But what I'm saying to you is for the last 30 years, you and I at 7 o'clock, a certain adrenaline goes into our body. And Red Band included. You mean get ready to perform? Get ready to perform. For sure. At 7 o'clock something would happen to me that it would change. I'd go from being a dad,

husband, all that shit. To being a murderer. I'm going down the comedy store. I gotta go sharpen the sword. You know what I'm saying? to the comedy store. I got to go sharpen the sword. You know what I'm saying? Seven o'clock, you start thinking about new things. You know, the toilet paper. Fucking, you know, all this shit.

You write it down. You take a shower. I'd have my process. I'd do a four-shot espresso. I'd do two bong hits. I'd take a shower, get all duded up. get in the fucking car, go over Laurel Canyon. I'd be behind him sometimes or shop, going down Laurel Canyon. Fucking tremendous.

And all of a sudden, I got taken away. You don't think we're suffering? We're learning to deal with it. Well, we got to take it away in the nicest time ever for comedy. This is the thing. People that didn't go to the comedy store ever for comedy. This is the thing, like, people that don't, that didn't go to the comedy store, that weren't comedy store regulars, there's an image of the comedy store that I think is from the darker

days, where people thought of the comedy store as the comics are mean and shitty to each other, and that it's like the industry never goes there. It's like a dark place, like a dangerous place. But when we got shut down in march that those last few years were probably the nicest friendliest years in the history of the store people were so nice

to each other there was so many people that were supporting each other and because everybody had podcasts like everybody kind of fed off of each other doing that and so it was beneficial to everybody to pump you up like to let you like you you let me know about Jeremiah, you, you let me know about Tony Hinchcliffe, we let each other know about these guys. And everybody sort of circulates and everybody does well together. There's a real good environment, man felt good every time you go there. It was all hugs and everybody's laughing. It was like, I love that new tag or this or that. It's fun. It was a good time. It was one of the most positive places i've ever been to in terms of like a community for comedians it was super supportive and it was like that for years

man like for the first year i was back i was like i can't even believe i'm back first show i did back was yours yeah that was fun and i think doug stanhope uh opened it up remember he was just like crazy show here yeah i feel my whole time at the Comedy Store, which is 23 years, was pretty fucking good. You know, I didn't come out here to do anything. I came out here. I was a criminal, and comedy won. You know, I used to be a criminal. I was a criminal and a comic, and comedy won.

It beat it. Yeah, but I always knew, Joey, your thing was always that you would come from a very unsteady base. And you could tell. You were like a loving guy, but you had to get to know you. You had to get through you. And then you were a really loving guy. But there was this bridge you had to cross. But I knew a lot of people like you.

I knew people like you. Not as funny as you but i knew people that were like brilliant but crazy in this sort of same sort of a way and it was always the same thing there's always like their childhood was all fucked up or there was there's a missing there there's some shit that goes wrong there and when you develop like that when you you grow like that in such a chaotic experience like yours, it's hard. It's harder. But when you get through, you get through with gifts. That's what's interesting about it. It's harder for you than a person that had your normal Norman Rockwell mom and pop sort of a life.

It's harder for someone like you. It's much more emotionally difficult. You go through much more want for for love there's you're not you know you don't feel support you don't feel stable you grow up like that and it's it's very hard to write yourself as an adult because all of us come out of our childhood which we don't really have any control over who our parents are and we don't we have very little control over our experiences when we're kids but we come out of that shit shaking like when we get onto the road finally like not everybody comes onto that road with the same amount of stability like some people come on that road and like my mom was awesome my dad my mom love each other yay and they're just going down the road and other people like who am

i my uncle fucked me and i'm don coke and i'm only 15. And that there's a lot of those people out there, too. And it's like a matter of like writing it, a matter of like getting it stable, a matter of like getting your life in a position where you feel like you can make good decisions and you're in control of it. And it's not the same for everybody. And I knew when I met you, you were a good guy. I know. I knew you were a good man. I knew you were a good man.

No, I knew that too. I knew right away. I didn't question that. But I knew you just... I just questioned how long I was going to last here. You were distracting yourself with other shit. I didn't know how long I would last here. I thought this was just going to be a fluke and I would end up in New York selling coke.

And the story is that I became a regular. I broke the record. I became a regular within a month. Did you really? Yeah, I landed here January 29th. That's amazing. I became a regular February 19th on my 30-something birthday. Well, if Mitzi caught you at the right time.

She caught me at the right time. And everybody kept saying to me, has Mitzi seen you? That's amazing. Has Mitzi seen you? So I didn't really go through the whole thing. So now let's go back to that area. That area, that era was hard at the store. I had to follow Mooney every night and Dave Tyree and a bunch of crazy people.

After 11, it got crazy in there. And then Holtzman would go on and clean the house. And, you know, it was just a different, I saw the three different phases of the store. Yeah. Then we saw the other phase with that fucking Mutt LaRange and his little crew, and I didn't go there for seven years. And then came the Adam fucking era, which was pretty fucking goddamn special. Pretty special.

It got so special that it got overly special. Like, Tuesday nights were fucking just like you had to go down there prepared for war. Like, Tuesday nights, you ever see, like, Rambo before he's going to go somewhere or the Expendables, they always see him sharpen their knives and setting all their equipment up and shit

like before they go to war, Bradley Cooper and the sniper. That's how we were on Tuesday nights. Like, we had to sharpen our fucking knife. You had to take your alpha brain. You didn't get high all day. Like, you know, Tuesdays, you had to go down there and bring it, bitch. Yeah, you had to jump around.

It was pretty fucking interesting. But then on the other side of that, it started becoming monotonous for me. It was like I was on the road or I was at the comedy store. I was on the road or I was at the comedy store. I was on the road or I was at the comedy store. I was at home. I didn't do anything else for like three or four fucking years. Am I mad at that? No, no, no, no.

I wish I would have gone to more parties maybe. Yeah. Maybe more concerts. I wish I would have done some more stuff. When I went to New York last year to shoot The Sopranos, I saw my friends. And I saw how they lived now and who they were now, and we met every night. We went to a different great restaurant for dinner, and at a quarter to nine, they'd be yawning,

and I'd be happy as fuck that they were yawning because I'm just as fucking tired. We're not kids no more. And we would go our separate ways, and I'd go back to my hotel and I'd go that was tremendous and that's what you do now but I went out every night with a different one to a different restaurant

and everybody has families it just became something different for me I wanted to go somewhere else I would go to Texas with you you know me dog I love you to death but I want to go home.

I want to eat this. I want to go to somebody's house and have the feast of the seven fishes. Okay? I'm sick and tired of eating this shit for the last. Remember, I've been gone for 30 years, kid. I've been gone since 83. I went back for 18 months of homelessness and then 9 months in 93 to become a comic, to do open mics with Mike Bichetti at the New York Comedy Club across the street from where Castellano got shot.

I played the game, dog. Then I went back to Colorado and got into fucking, you know, with the X and the ba-ba-bop and the fucking smack and the guy and then getting thrown out. And I ended up in Seattle and then two years there then Stanhope lured me down here then I got a developmental deal how's Stanhope Lurie down here I did New Year's with him where at in Seattle 96 to 97 he's like you're wasting your time up here he goes you're ready but I had worked with him like the time before that so he's like I got bunk beds you're wasting your time I had worked with him like the time before that. So he's like, I got bunk beds.

You're wasting your time. And I go, you know what? I got to go down there to shoot a pilot anyway. CBS is paying me like 20 grand. How'd they find you? Thanksgiving, the night before Thanksgiving in Seattle. What were you doing? I was on stage.

And someone from CBS wanted you to do something? He was from Seattle. Wow. And he went home for the holidays. And I got off stage and the guy's like, listen, I've been looking for a guy like you for three weeks. Can you read? Yeah. Okay.

Meet me tomorrow. I'm going to put you on tape. I got to pilot because we want you to be. It was really fucked up. They wanted my character to be Spanish, but they didn't want him to look Spanish. It was CBS's answer to NYPD Blue. It was a show called Bronx something, something. And I came down, and I was the worst actor in the world.

I started out with like 19 pages. All the cops and DAs would come into the bar, and I would chit-chat, give them information, sell shit. And every day that I went and rehearsed, every day they took a page out. Every day they took a page out. I went down there. By the time they shot the pilot, I had no lines.

I just nodded. I was terrible. I was snorting coke. I'd never been to an acting class before. I was staying up until 6 in the morning, going there at 8. What's-his-name was the director? What's-his-name? The guy who played the doctor.

You got to think about this one because he's big time. He played a doctor in the movie with Tom Cruise with the naked women. When the chick has a heart attack. He's fucking a young chick and Tom Cruise has to help him with the chick because the chick is dead. He's a big time motherfucker. What movie is that? What's that fucking movie?

Vanilla Sky. Vanilla Sky. No, no, no. I never saw Vanilla Sky. What's the movie with Tom Cruise where he sneaks into the party and there are a bunch of freaks? He's married to the fucking Australian chick at the time. Nicole Kidman.

Nicole Kidman. And him and Nicole Kidman have a fight. Eyes Wide Shut. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Eyes Wide Shut. Who played the doctor? That's the Kubrick one. That's a brilliant movie.

But whoever played the doctor, that he has the girl all coked up. All right. He also played the doctor, you ready? To Johnny Sack in The Sopranos. Really? He was the one that kept saying, I shot my wife, the mailman, and I was already going down, so I shot the maid too. He was the doctor. And he turns his shades and he goes, he tells him, Dr. Friedman, that guy. That guy. He was a doctor and he turns his shades and he goes he tells him, Dr.

Friedman, that guy. He directed me in this. And he loved me in the beginning and at the end he wouldn't even look at me. He would just shake his head. I didn't know how to fucking act. How can you put me on CBS? I just came. I've been doing comedy six years.

Some people can just fucking do it. Then I got it. No, then I got came. I've been doing comedy six years. Some people can just fucking do it. Then I got it. No, then I got it doing it more. But that was the first time. They say action, and I go, what? It's crazy when an athlete does it. An athlete, and then they're really good. You're like, Jesus Christ.

How hard is it to act? This guy just came off the fucking bench. There's a lot of athletes have done, who else has done amazing jobs? The athlete thing is it to act? This guy just came off the fucking bench. Like, there's a lot of athletes have done, like, who else has done, like, amazing jobs? The athlete thing is weird, right? Because at least comedians. Cream adult Jabbar. Fucking rappers really stole the game. Queen Latifah.

Ice Cube. Ice Cube wrote fucking Friday. Right. They're the best example. I mean, are you fucking crazy? Actors are the best example. Or, excuse me, rappers. Rappers are the best example. I mean, are you fucking crazy? Actors are the best example. Or, excuse me, rappers. Rappers are the best example.

No acting classes, no nothing. Yeah. They just took it by the horns. They know how to act. Wait, no one's better than them. Tupac. Stop and think about it. Think about how many rappers, high-level rappers, became high-level actors.

Bro, Tupac made some weird movies, Joe. Juice. He made them. Juice? Which one's Juice? Wasn't he in Juice? I think so, yeah. Juice. He made them. Huh? Juice. Which one's Juice? Wasn't he in Juice? I think so, yeah. Juice.

What about the one when he played a junkie with the guy and the hot black chick? How crazy is that that Tupac was a huge movie star as well as a huge rap star

at the same time? I loved him in Poetic Justice. Oh, he was tremendous in Poetic Justice. Dude, he did a lot of movies. He tortured Janet Jackson. Did you ever see

Bullet with Mickey Rourke? Yes. That was one of the most ridiculous movies of all time. Terrible, terrible, terrible. But it was interesting to see the two of them together. Mickey Rourke was jacked. Did you ever see how big Mickey Rourke was in that movie? Go to that movie.

There's videos of it. Like Mickey Rourke in a tank top. He was fucking jacked. And the guy next to him with with the white shirt that guy was married to Tracy Lourdes You know him that's your buddy George the drums and jumping up and down with him talking about vitamin supplements. Why would he know that? What's his fucking name? I don't know the guy. Joe, don't lie to me.

He was talking to you about... No, I'm not lying to you. Look right there. Where? That guy was one of the best looking men that ever fucking was in that movie with Mickey Rourke. It says... He's his brother. He's his brother. And he's fucking two chicks and a disco.

I saw that guy. Who is he? That guy walking the dog. Find out what his name is, Jamie, please, sir. That's Mickey Rourke. No, that's not Mickey Rourke. Go down with. Go down with.

That's no Armando Sante, that guy. That's Sante. It's not showing his name. I don't know. I'll find it. Okay. He came to the store.

That's a bold move. Look at the half crop shirt. He came to the store one night. He played Mickey Rourke's brother in this movie. And the other thing was that he was married to Tracy Lourdes. John Enos. That good looking motherfucker. Well, heos. That good-looking motherfucker. Well, he ain't that good-looking no more,

but in this movie, you would suck his dick. Back in 96. Yeah, he was fucking smoking. He was very, very good-looking. This is a strange movie. Dangerous. Very strange movie. Is that that dude?

Is that that guy Ben The guy who's driving the car He won the Academy Award years later It's Adrian Brody Everything was going good They did a 7-Up commercial And they told him to get the fuck out of here How do you win an Academy Award and do a Shasta commercial

Is that what happened They shut him down after he did a Shasta commercial I don't know I don't know man You got another joking. I don't know, man. You got another blunt for your Uncle Joe? Yes, of course I do. Thank you, brother. You can have some of mine.

No, I'm all right. That corona test was tremendous. I got one right here, Jimmy. Just that swab in your nose. I know she took things out of my nose that needed to go. We have to find out what's keeping you going. Make sure everything's okay. I did the antibodies test, but then a dentist told me, she goes, Joey, the antibodies is no good.

The FDA-approved one is good. It shows you whether or not you've had it. It's a respiratory illness. It shouldn't be in your blood. So that's why she said, that's why I did the swab, to be honest with you. And I didn't want to faint. I faint at the weirdest moments, Joe. Yeah, but that's not real.

Whatever she just said, that's not true. Okay, whatever. It's in your blood for sure. Everybody's Fauci now. Who gives a fuck? The best way to find out, right in front of you. Right in front of you. Thank you.

The best way to find out apparently is you draw blood and then they do an analysis of the blood. But the pinprick is FDA approved and the swab lets you know if you have like recent infections. And I got to tell you right here because you know I'm a man's man. I know you're a man's man. I tell you the truth all the time. you know if you have like recent infections and i gotta tell you right here because you know i'm a man's man i know you're a man's man i tell you the truth all the time i know you do i made jokes about dana white's fire island i want to apologize to him because look he did it right the bubble worked yeah now he looks like a hero the bubble worked and unless everybody adheres to the bubble then it's not going to work for them. Well, Film Cruise are figuring it out now, too.

You haven't heard from Tyler Perry any complaints. No. But you don't check your fucking junk email. I do lately because I get all the SAG emails. And I got to tell you something. You got to read the SAG shit. Like what they have to do? Yeah.

That's why a lot of them, and they're trying to do it fucking, you know, men's automotive, and people are showing up going, this ain't going to work. This ain't going to work. Tyler Perry already put you in a bubble. He picks you up at Van Nuys. You get hired. You go do a test. Sixteen days from when they pick you up in Van Nuys.

Then you go to Van Nuys Airport. They give you another test. You get on a personal plane. You fly to Atlanta. When you get off the plane, they do it again. Quarantine for 24 hours. And then you're put into three groups. Group A, Group C, Group B. You can't

mingle with B or C. And you got access to a mall, a hotel, workout, a little area outside. everybody's social distancing. Not one fucking complaint. But everybody's doing it. When I found this out, I got pissed off. This is my life.

I've been paying dues, just like you. I don't want to do movies, and I don't want to do TV, but I got to finish this movie. I thought that I read something in the LA Times that said that by adding COVID to movies, it's going to add a million dollars to the budget.

It's going to cost a million dollars to do it properly. Jesus. Which is... I didn't cough on Brian. I didn't cough on Brian. I coughed on my fucking hand have a courtesy hat so

for you to for you to shoot a real movie like that you have to have two nurses doing COVID tests yeah they're gonna get better

they got one at the White House that takes 20 minutes you know what they're doing what they're hiring fucking out of work actors to get certified online then they put them on the set to to hold the test

and fucking you know separate it can't do that i pay dues i want to fucking nurse that bitch you know well it's the problem is if you catch it and you are not healthy you don't have a a good immune system, you're older, you're compromised, maybe you've got some sort of a condition already, it's not good. So asking people to work where there's a 1 out of 10 chance or 1 out of 20 chance or whatever the number is that you might catch it, that's a new ask. That never was the question the question was hey do you want to work at ups i'm like how much does it pay what are the hours okay i'll do it it wasn't like you might die like you might catch this disease that you die from it's not likely but you're everyone knows someone who at least knows someone who died from it so it's like fuck how bad do i want this job? Or you could

stay home and take $600 from the government or whatever it is. Most people are going to take that money. Downsize your life and just figure out a way to save money. If you worked at a supermarket, it used to be you just worked at a supermarket.

It didn't used to be you come in contact with someone that might have something that can kill you. And it's killing people. Not a lot. Not a lot. But that does not give you any comfort when you're lying there with tubes in your nose. If you're one of those people that gets it and gets it real bad, like Michael Yeo, and you're in a hospital

and you think you might be going. Michael Yeo, Jeffrey Gurion, Frankie Big Balls and Chris were sitting in the green room together that Friday night they all got it

except Chris he didn't get it? no really? Jeffrey got it, hospitalized Big Ball, Pete Lisa Lanthony's ex great guy, he got it

I think he was hospitalized and as his last blog I. I think he was hospitalized. And as his last blog I read from him, he was on oxygen treatment. Jesus. And Michael Yeo got it. Michael Yeo was here months later, and he said he was still struggling with fatigue. So he looked great. When I saw him, like if you saw him, you would think, oh, he's 100% recovered.

Like he looked like he was ready to go do a triathlon. But he said no. He said he still gets tired easy. He doesn't feel the same. That's the fucking shit. Yeah. This is weird. So, like, I get it, man.

I get people not wanting to work. I fucking get it. I'm not saying people should go back to work. I'm saying people should have the option. Like teachers. Yeah. Everybody, man. Everybody should. I'm saying people should have the option. My teachers. Everybody, man. Everybody should have the option. Everybody should have the option.

This is not a normal time. This is not a normal scene. So if you don't want to work, how much does the government have to give you a week? It's a good question. This should be an honest discussion. We should figure out how much money is necessary. And does your rent get paid? Yeah, that's the rent thing. That's the rent thing I want to know.

You can't just have people broke like this for five months and not even let them work. This is what we're seeing. We're seeing people that are – everyone has a hair trigger. Everybody's ready to go off. That's not good for any of us. No, no. It's not a smart way to do it. And you look at the restaurants, and the restaurants are open.

You and I try to support restaurants. Fucking tacos 86. Three, four times a day. Oh, yeah. Tacos 86. Oh, my God. Brian's like, I abused my body just to support them. No, tacos 1986.

Oh, my God, Joe Rogan. Just up in Burbank. It's amazing. That's our shit. That's our shit. Listen, I love restaurants. I try to support the local restaurants. But I know they're making ugots.

They're not making much. They're making dick. They're keeping the employees open. That's why I tip as much as I can. Jamie just handed me Biden announced Harris for VP. Okay. Kamala Harris. Fearless fighter for the little guy.

Out of the country's finest public servants as my running mate. They might win. She's a powerful lady. Can you click on her name? She's very good at talking. Yeah, she was that lady that she got into it with Tulsi Gabbard at the primaries. I don't know about these people, Joe Rogan. I know that Biden's old.

One of them might be the vice president of the United States. And I think that fucking Trump won the election on Saturday when he gave people money, because money talks and bullshit walks. If I got a check in the mail from Trump for $600, he bought my vote right now. The thing about it is, though, I think it relies on the state paying 25%. And the state of California is bankrupt. Yeah, they're like, we don't have any money. What are you talking about the other day, 50%?

You had me all scared to death. Well, you add up the state income tax with the federal income tax, it's in the neighborhood of 54%. That's what's going to go up there? Yes. The increase that California wants to do. Look, they're trying to figure out a way to buy the way out of some of the problems that we have. I get it. I don't know what the fuck they should do. I'm a moron buy the way out of some of the problems that we have. I get it. I don't know what the fuck they should do.

I'm a moron. I shouldn't be the mayor or the governor. I am not going to do it. It's not in my wheelhouse. I would not balance the budget. I'm not a pay attentioner. That's not me, man. I got things to do.

I'm worried about space. I'm not worried about your budget. But somebody has to do it, and they have to do it right. Giving them more money is not going to fix it. They need a fucking real plan. No one's telling us how to get out of this economically. No one's telling us how to get out of this health-wise.

Everybody's bitching, but this is the first time we've been caught with our pants down. I'm not mad at anybody. I can't really be mad at anybody because everybody got caught with their pants down. How we've handled it at times is kind of weird.

It's not just that. It's not just that. We look vulnerable as a nation because we handled it stupid. We had a big giant surge again. It's like we were doing real well. Everything was trending down and then we have a big giant surge again. Now people are going out.

Now places that weren't getting it are getting it again. We didn't do such a good job. It's not, you know, and the problem is if the country's locked up, and we basically are, a big percentage of everybody's locked down, and we're economically fucked, and we're scared to do things. So we're, like, probably not that healthy. We're not as healthy as we normally are and There's not as much money and people aren't working well Well what this is not a strong country then like the country's only strong if everything's strong like the economy strong the military strong the

Government strong when the economy's fucked and the people are unhealthy Like that is that's the backbone of the whole country this is a vulnerable country that's where it gets weird we don't ever want to think that we're like oh we don't have to worry about that anymore but of course we do that's history history is countries taking over countries history is countries figuring out a way to dominate other countries who knows what they're doing today to each other i mean we hear about like russian interference who knows what kind of fucking viruses we have on our computers? Oh, that mail-in fucking thing is going to be a party and a half.

That is the biggest scam in the fucking world. That is the biggest fucking scam in the world. Already the post office is running fucking blind. Never mind all those ballots. That's a scam and a half. That's a scam and a half, and it's terrible. I wonder what the best way to do it is, though. What if it turns out the post office is the best way to do it?

Like maybe it takes more time, but maybe they're better at it. Oh, bro, you never stuffed boxes for $20 and looked the other way? No, I never stuffed boxes for $20. I had to stuff boxes. I grew up in North Bergen, New Jersey. What do you mean by stuffed boxes? I grew up in North Bergen, New Jersey. What do you mean by stuffed boxes? I grew up in North Bergen, New Jersey. I was a Cuban kid that stumbled upon a fight one day and stuck up for an Italian kid,

and they made me part of their family. But the other part of their family was that they were political, and he was the other side of the wing for politics. Remember, there's a mayor, and he shows up with a guy like you that's intelligent, but then he also has a guy like me. And I do weird things for him. I let people know what the mayor wants done. Yeah.

And I got to be very—I was that guy's son. Oh. I was his son. I became his son. Then his son died, and I really became his son. So I didn't know what I was doing. He would just go, go light this on fire. Put $50

in your pocket and that's all I went and did. You know what I'm saying? He told me to go pick up this. I went and picked this up. He told me to go do this. I still remember how I met most of my friends today were from that election. The 76th election. Column A and column

B. And I mean,, column A and column B. And, I mean, they were battling on the street. I don't have to tell you about Jersey knuckleheads. Yeah. You know, we were throwing rocks at each other. And then at night we were paid to go rip down your signs. And then the next night your people ripped down our signs. And then whoever puts a sign of each one on, we all have a fucking memory of that.

So if I side with Joe Rogan in North Bergen and Joe Rogan loses, I might as well pack my bags because they're going to demote me from a teacher to a janitor. That's how they get you in Jersey, dog. So they would all put signs on their lawn for the guy that they support. Let everybody know.

This is the way you... You're my friend? They tell you. Spalding. You vote for Harry Spalding. He's a good man. They come to your house. They knock on your door and they tell you who you're going to vote for.

Listen, you're going to vote for these guys. It's going to be fine. We'll take care of you. Your brother-in-law needs a job, the retard, right? Sounds like a nightmare place to live, by the way. I would hate this. You think? What are you doing? Get by the way. I would hate this. What are you doing?

Get off my porch. Get away from me. Joey, you're moving back to this? No, no, no, no, no. That's Hudson County politics. That's how it used to be. Listen, in Hudson County, Jamie, if you'd like to verify, no mayor in Hudson County has ever just vacated. They've all either been put in prison or died. Every mayor.

The active mayor in North Bergen now is very good. He has changed the town. His name is Mayor Sacco. He's very good. Very good. That town is clean, Bobby. Cameras everywhere. You do something, there's a curfew at night.

Very clean. In fact, they just had a write-up about the New York Times where most of the people are moving to. It's my hometown, North Bergen, and down the hill, Edgewater. You know who lives in Edgewater? Isn't that Frankie Edgar? No. He's in Tom's River, right?

He's in Tom's River. You know who lives in Edgewater? Who? Name a rapper. Jay-Z? Name a rapper. He lives there? Ice-T. Really? Who? Name a rapper. Jay-Z? Name a rapper. He lives there? Ice-T. Really? Naughty by nature. Ice-T does not

cop shows still. All the Knicks, all the Nets, all the baseball players live in Edgewater. Oh. So it's right above Edgewater.

All that Hudson County, Hoboken, where G knows a cop and all that, that's Hudson County. They play by their own rules, G. They do it a different way.

And you've got to pick a side. You've got to pick a side. And if you don't pick a side and that side loses, boom, you've got to live in that hometown to work in that hometown. Oh, no. And then they fuck with you. You went with the wrong side. But it's tremendous.

It's a way to keep everybody in line. Everybody knows where they stand. Once you go, you go. Those guys that put their hand on the back of your neck, those guys that tell you, this is what we're going to do. We're going to do this, okay? And they're holding the back of your neck. You're like, what kind of conversation is this?

Like, you're not squeezing my neck yet, but it seems like, what happens if I don't vote for this guy? Bro, one of the most interesting ones that you would never watch, but you should read about, I think Jamie has watched, is season two of Narcos when they rigged the election in Mexico. And they try to do it with the computer and they get busted. And then they actually just sent Narcos to the fucking voting stations. They put a gun to your head and go, put another zero next to that number. Whoa.

They put a gun to your head and go, put another zero next to that number. Whoa. In 1987, the elections in Mexico were so fucking crooked because the government that was coming in was going to side with the United States, and that could never happen. They were going to lose millions of dollars. So that government had to win. And when you watch it play out in the series, you're like, but when you read about it, you're like but when you read

about it, you're like, what the fuck? They caught him red-handed. It's like, you catching me taking this and you going, Joey, that's mine. Yeah, bye. And walking out of here. It was that cold-blooded of an election. The fucking guy

had to resign years later, but it was that brutal. Because they figured they weren't going to win the election in Mexico City. So they went to all these farmer places, and all those motherfuckers got beat up. So forget about Mexico

City. We're going to lose Mexico City. What's the name of La Pira? The PRI? The PRI is an organization. Tremendous storyline on how they needed that government to win so they could keep getting drugs into this country and how the CIA was even involved in that election, but it was the narcos who went out to the small villages

and fucking put guns to your head put a zero on that number it is one of the craziest things about being an american is that we're connected to a country that's feeding us drugs and is run by cartels and everybody's like shh bro they had a town in mexico during this that the cartel said if they saw you on the streets without a face mask, they'd shoot you. They've done that in other countries. It was such a small village that it would have destroyed the village. So the narcos got involved and said, if you go out without a face mask, we'll put a bullet in your head. There's something about people who have power, whether it's you're the mayor or the governor or you're the narcos or you're a cop,

something about people having that kind of power over your life like that with just a finger on the trigger, it's too much for most people to handle. It's too much. Most people can't handle it. That's what you're saying. Most people should not have the ability to just shoot you. You can't shoot them, but they can shoot you. If you don't listen, they can shoot you.

If you're running away, they can shoot you. You come at them with a taser, they can shoot you. They need to make a freeze gun where you can just freeze them. That's not a bad idea. Joe Rogan, nobody could call a cop's life until you're a fucking cop. It's too hard to understand what that job fucking cop. It's too hard to understand what that job's like. It's too hard to understand

entails. You know why I started going to Jiu Jitsu? So I could watch the UFC's and not feel guilty. Because I can't, nothing bothers me more when I see a blogger

or an announcer that's never done a jumping jack and he's trying to cover the UFC. Nothing bothers me more than that. So I want you to understand, I grew up with guys that were cops. I talked to them.

I saw how they had to blow steam off because of the things they saw. Yeah, they used their power. They fucked around. They were all bad lieutenants, if you want to call it. But the job itself, unless you're doing it, man, it's weird. That's so weird. lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie live live live live live live live live live live live live live live live live live Never had a problem with a cop. I even had a cop pull over to a Chinese restaurant one time and let me get food handcuffed because I hadn't eaten all day. Well, you got good cops and you're a good guy. Okay, that's number three. You charmed them.

I've never said the word pig on any podcast. When I went to jail, I went to jail on my own accord. It was my problem. Yeah. I've never given a cop a problem. When they interrogated me, oh, I'll light you on fire. If you want to get interrogated, you interrogate me. I'll talk to you about the Cuban Missile Crisis.

I'll get you. Being pigs. Those two white dudes in Boulder, I had them confused to death. I had them confused to death. I was taking them on psychological rides. Let me tell you something. The one cop I faced on Facebook and started torturing him. I want to see some dumb dude try to interrogate you.

He lives in Telluride, and he was involved in the JonBenet Ramsey case. So when I mentioned his name on a podcast one time, people started sending me messages. They go, you know, we go to school with this kid. This kid's a fucking moron. Right? They feel like his kid became a criminal, but the dad has gotten him out of trouble all his life. The kid's a fucking criminal. So the same people from Facebook hit me one day.

They go, your buddy the cop retired. So I sent them an email. Hey, on Facebook, hey, listen, congratulations on your retirement. Check out Joey Diaz on YouTube, cocksucker. And I know you read it, but he didn't fucking reply. You know what I'm saying? That's hilarious. I put him, dog, listen to what I did to that dude.

Just, there was two of them, all right? There was a big white dude that, the white dude, this is the fucking crazy thing. I was not wanted, but I was questioned on a credit card situation in August of 85. Somebody had destroyed that mall with a credit card. And somebody said I fit the description. So these two cops with uniforms kept asking me questions. I worked at Foot Locker and they keep showing up every day. Can we talk to you?

Yeah, the jewelry store said to you, listen, pretty soon you know, they didn't have cameras then, Joe. So they kept saying pretty soon we're going to start getting a receipt and you're going to have to go in for whatever. And they were coming every day and shaking me down. And I would go, guys, if i was a fucking credit card thief would i be working

in full arc so i was just buying time i knew they were gonna catch me eventually that one cop even came to my house on a sunday night knocked on my door and said we're getting the jean sizes tomorrow you might as well turn yourself in i'm like like, dog, you got to go on and get the fuck off my doorstep. That night, that morning, I went to San Francisco. A year later, I get arrested for kidnapping. He gets promoted to detective. He doesn't remember me from the credit card thing. The whole time I'm sitting there going,

when is this fucking cop going to remember me from the credit card thing? So you got to remember, I turned myself in. When I turned myself in, Doug, and I pressed that buzzer and they opened that door, all the cops drew their guns on me and said, get on the floor. Because I was wanted for kidnapping and kidnapping too. They didn't know what I was packing, what type of person I was. So they handcuffed me, put me in a room that was white, made me wait for a half hour. Then they came in and played their technique, which I've been doing to people all my fucking life. You know, I'm the one that would break into Joe Rogan's house and steal one shoe.

You give it to somebody, you take an ounce of coke and you steal one shoe. It's horrible. Oh, that's horrible. And then you steal that one favorite pair of shoes. You take one shoe and you throw it away. That destroys people psychologically. For years, they'll keep looking for that one shoe. What happened? And then every time you see them, you'll find that shoe.

No, I fucking searched everywhere. It's a weird as fuck. Oh, yeah. I'm the fucking dirtiest bastard. I know how to fucking flip-flop you. So these guys get you in an interrogation room? They get me into the interview room and they ask me what's going on. And I'm talking to them.

I go, I don't know what happened. The guy showed up. The guy pulled the gun. Next thing you know, I was home. And they're like, so what happened to the guy with the machine gun? I don't know. Did you know him? I don't know.

You know, so how did you get there? I had a bike. But you just said you drove. Yeah, I drove to get the bike. I was just fucking with them because I wanted to get out. Because Don Johnson was marrying Sheila Easton on Miami Vice that night. I had to be home by 9.

That's all I cared about was this wedding. So I'm fucking with the cops. I'm like, I'm just going to go in there and talk to them, tell them the truth. That, yeah, I went over there. They were selling drugs. And I left. I had nothing to do. What kidnapping? What are you talking about?

So we went back and forth for like six hours, and I still remember them sitting there like with their hands down and me talking about like, you know, my uncle came from Cuba in 1952, and he worked for fucking this guy, and they're like, what's this got to do with what we're talking about? Dog, I tormented him. And then I agreed to give the guy information. And I would just give him like red bands, driver's plate.

I swear to God. I would give him Jamie's license plate. Jamie's not a drug dealer. But I would tell him that Jamie was running kilos internationally from Europe. They would go through Jamie's life. Imagine if Jamie was doing that. And then they wouldn't find nothing. So they would figure out the fucking Jamie.

I was playing them. I was just giving them fake license plates. How long did you do this for? Six months. They thought they would leave. There's this guy. I'm telling you, he runs Big Coke from Columbia. He knows the Ochoa brothers.

Oh, yeah. So you were just making up this crazy narrative of feeding it to these yokels. I was tormenting these two cops. But the one cop wasn't going for it. He didn't like me personally. Oh, of course. And I let him know that I didn't like him personally. It's a movie.

It was a film. I let him know that I hated him more than what he hated fucking me. That's what I did. I let him know that I hated him more than what he hated fucking me. That's what I did. I let him know that I hated him more. And every time we went to court, he would sit there across from me. But I had a good attorney, and it was burning him up because he wanted me for kidnapping. But I'm like, nah, dog. You didn't find no fingerprints on nothing.

Sorry, Charlie. Not this time. So he was chomping at the thing he went to all the hearings and said that we don't see nothing else on the record so if there's nothing else on the record, this is you against him

no, it doesn't work that way he kept saying I was violent I was going to kill the community he was one of those white evangelist type guys. He even was so mad at me that he joined forces with my ex-wife in court afterward for like child hearings and shit like that. That's how crazy it got. Oh, my God.

He was there when I went off one day, Cuban style. And that's the last time I saw him. Cuban style. Oh, one day. The last time I went to court, remember, the last time I went to court with my wife, it was the same judge that sentenced me. Oh, no. Only he was in civil court now.

But here's the beauty. I kept writing him letters every month because that's the type of motherfucker I am. You write him letters? From the minute I got sentenced to jail. What did the letters say? How you doing, Judge Bellaponti? My name is Joey Diaz. Thank you for your sentence. I'm starting to learn. What did the letter say? How you doing, Judge Bellaponti? My name is Joey Diaz. Thank you for your sentence.

I'm starting to learn what it's all about to be a man. For the last 28 years, I've been running amok. Every month, every month on the 1st, he got a letter from me. When I got out of the jail, I doubled up. I got a job as a car salesman. I really enjoy it. Thank you for giving me the opportunity. Did he ever write you back?

Never. Wow? Never. But I wrote him letters, wrote him letters, wrote him letters, wrote him letters. I got out of jail February of 89. I wrote him letters. I went in front of him in May of 95. He was a civil judge and I was still writing him letters. I told him I was trying comedy. I was getting divorced. My wife was breaking my balls. We end up in court in front of him. The fucking boyfriend

has got a stake over his eye because I smacked him because he called me a spick. So I smacked him in the face and say for him. So they're trying to get me for assault. Oh yeah. Tremendous afternoon. It was a judge say What does the judge say? And the judge goes, number one, you got to throw your case out because it's a city limits of Boulder.

You can't use a racial slur. If you use a racial slur in the city limits of Boulder. Someone can just beat your ass? It's called the J.J. Flanagan law. And number two, then he attacked my wife. He was like, listen, you fucking come back in here again with this shit, it's contempt of court. So all those years of writing paid off. All those years. So my wife got mad, the ex got mad, and on the walk out of there was when I did something that to this day I regret.

It was that bad, like how bad i went off but it was four years of getting tortured think of you torturing me for four years i'm financially done i'm financially ruined i'm trying to feature I'm getting heat cuz I'm dirty you know I'm saying like everything like that's the hard road so I was featuring in dirty bars but they would make me MC at the clubs and they made me work clean and read the announcements and shit it's some kind you know and there was just a mix didn't want you on the show it's a lot of comics didn't want me on the show you know I wasn't that. No, no, I wasn't throwing heat then, no.

I just was doing well. I was holding my own. Even when I met you in the beginning, you were dirty. Yes, yes. But for some people, that's like a deal breaker. I went clean for the first three years, and it wasn't me. I was trying to be Lenny Clark with a suit. I mimicked Lenny Clark

first, but I liked Bill Hicks and I loved Richard Pryor. Shout out to my friend Lenny. Lenny had a bit of a medical situation come up. Send him my love. I know he was on the show with you. He's doing better now. He's gone through some medical problems. He's a good man. He's a very

good man. I met him at the store and I told him exactly how I felt and why I wore a suit the first three years of my career, but it didn't work. Because of him? Because of him. I opened up for him the second time I ever got paid. First time I got paid, Warren McDonald took me on the road, did a shitty gig in the middle of nowhere.

Second time I got paid, I did Jays in Pittsfield, opening up for Lenny Clark, And I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe it. Lenny Clark, who I saw on TV. And I'm hanging out with him and his brother. And his brother wound up giving me gigs. Mike Clark, still a good friend to this day. That was 31 years ago.

Love that guy. How crazy has his journey been? It's crazy. I worked for Mike Clark once in a restaurant where you'd be in the middle of your set, and the fucking PA system would take over your microphone. Johnson, party to your tables ready. They would cut you in the middle of your set. And I didn't know it until I got on stage.

So I'm on stage talking to the crowd, and it just became the funniest part of the act. It was just making fun of how pathetic my life is. I'm at a fucking fish restaurant down the cape and in the middle of talking my fucking my bits get cut off by people getting announced at their tables ready well it's like those car shows people just start honking their horns it's like all right like somebody kick off this kick out the bird said they don't do that he said they do that like at the end when they're laughing at stuff no there's a lot of uh like amateur open mic versions of them and stuff like that.

And that's like, you know, you got people just blasting their horn. You know, Mark Norman said it best. Mark Norman's a very smart man. He said it best. He said, this is methadone comedy. He goes, I want my fix, man. He goes, I want the real deal. I don't want this fucking park comedy.

He said he bombed in a park and he actually heard crickets real cool You know what I worked real fucking hard I My joke gig was I worked on Wednesday nights in an Italian restaurant Where the guy was to cook, but he was also an Elvis impersonator And he had been an Elvis impersonator for 20 years in Vegas. He met Elvis. He was the worst Elvis impersonator.

He was Italian. He was 150 pounds overweight. So he would bring you the food, and then he would turn into Elvis. I would go up on stage and do 10, and then he would go up there and just put Elvis music on and sing over it. That was my fifth year in comedy. I'm like, what am I going to do with my life? Every Wednesday night, that was my 10 o'clock gig.

It was like 12 people in the restaurant, and he would go up there and sing his own, It's now or never. Oh, my God. And he was fucking terrible. And then I would have to sit throughout the whole show. He would give me spaghetti and meatballs to take home, which I don't have to

tell you. At that level, it's like a steak. It's breakfast and lunch the next day. So I had to sit through his whole set. God forbid he did an encore. Every time he did an encore, I would get a heartburn for an hour. Please finish he did an encore, I would get a heartburn for an hour. Please finish the song.

So I went through that shit. I love all those stories. Those stories, those terrible gigs, they make you better. They make you better. But you can't live on a steady diet of them. It's like, here's the deal. You can't do deadlifts with 500 pounds every day. You'll break your fucking back. You'll tear your knees apart.

You'll rip your shoulders apart. But you can do it every now and then. You've got to give your body enough time to recover and actually improve. If you do those fucking terrible hell gigs every single night, it changes your act. You get armored. You lose your ability to take pauses. You lose your ability to set up a point and then really hit it home hard. Change tempos. You have to keep on them.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Drunk bars, you got to keep on them. Bang, bang, bang, which is fine. But you shouldn't do it all the time. No, but I used the Uncle Joey Cocodillas method, which was I had an 11.45 at the store, which meant I was really going up at 12.15. I was a coke junkie. There was no way I was going to hold off until 12.15. How are you doing, man?

So, no, I got to write the plan out so people see that there's a method of my fucking madness, okay? So in those days, Felipe Esparza had a room. Willie Barsena had a room. All those guys had bar rooms. And I knew in those days that I had to prepare two different sets. I had to have my bar set, which was pretty basically dirty, and then you had to go acapella because sometimes you got to go up during the Laker game.

Yes. You're not going to turn off a Laker game in Orange County. They love Joe Rogan, but you ain't going to turn off a Laker game. You're not going to turn off a Laker game in Orange County. They love Joe Rogan, but you ain't going to turn off a Laker game. It's just not going to happen. The Bruins back in Boston. It's not going to happen.

You've got to wait for the Laker game to go on. You know how many of those George Perez fly? I still shout those guys out. Rudy Moreno. All those guys had early gigs for us. That fed us. Gave you 50, 60 bucks.

And then you killed time. You stopped at King Taco. And then you got to the store at 11. Joe would be at News Radio till 10.30 rehearsing. You would show up late. When I first met you, you were still rehearsing. Friday nights, you would shoot on Friday nights, and then you would do the spot on Friday night,

and I would go on after you, and you were on 11.30. That was not 10.45 days yet. Yeah. You were still getting a quarter to 12. I was very lucky I didn't have a social life, so I didn't have friends out here, so I could just do, you know, I didn't have friends out here. So I would just do the show and then go to the store and then hang out with those guys. I didn't really know anybody yet.

So it was good. I got a lot of work done. But the thing about stand-up is what we had at the store that was really unusual was also what you were talking about with Tuesday nights. It was a murderer's row in a way that i've never seen before like every night you would go there it would be jessel neck eliza dalia you nick swartzen it was just murderer after murder ron white oh my god ron white would come in and destroy. Ali Wong. Ali Wong. As Nancy Dressler, whatever her fucking stage name was. Ian Edwards, Owen Smith, Tom Segura, Burt Kreischer.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Those lineups were fucking death, man. You had to come out guns blazing. And a lot of people got upset at those lineups. They're like, I can't get a spot. I can't get a spot. This is fucked up. And they get mad. i feel like these people don't respect me and there's like this talk we need more women there was all this talk we need more this we need more that the bottom line is that was a murderer's row and it was so hard to find a spot

because what are you gonna do you got santino you You got Ian Edwards. You got all these people back to back to back to back that are just fucking killers. Killer after killer. Where's the Spotify lighters? Where's the good one? Yeah, that's not even a Bic. What is that? This is from Gino.

I want a Spotify lighter. This is a Speedweed lighter. I want a Spotify lighter. Shut up. You'd probably turn this volume down. Here, hold on. Oh, it's dead. Hey, what kind of whiskey is that, by the way?

I mean, that's the closest to tasting a saddle I've ever tasted. This is John. No, those are two different whiskeys. This is Buffalo Trace. This is the first stuff we had that you enjoyed. And this is another stuff which I love. No, it's a sip. It is Warbringer, the War Master Edition.

This is Josh Barnett's personal whiskey. It's for men! That taste is like a man cowboy. How do we have no lighters here? I thought there was some in those packs. How is that even possible we don't have lighters in this fucking place? That's crazy. You don't want to use a Zippo either.

You don't? No, because you get the fumes from the Zippo juice. I had a lighter. How do we not have lighters? We had some, and I gave them to you to hide, I think, and I don't know where they went. He's a good hider.

Look inside that skull eye. I probably hit him so well, I stole him for myself. I know, look in the skull eye, maybe that's where it is. If worse comes to worse, I have one in my car somewhere.

Maybe go to your car, because this is not happening. How crazy is it? We've got to send Red Band out to his fucking car in order to get a lighter. So I think that's the first time you've ever handed me breaking news in the middle of a show. It is very important. Breaking news. I saw it literally within 45 seconds of him tweeting it out.

So I was like, what do I do here? Maybe he should be a great president. Let's see. Let's just switch positions. Oh. People keep telling me, dude, there's nothing wrong with him. He just has a stutter. People keep saying that.

Like, everybody at 78 is everybody who's not at 78 find me a guy find me a guy when i'm 78 don't take any of my advice i probably don't know what i'm talking about i'll probably be high as a kite oh brian's got a lighter when i'm 78 i'll be like tommy chong hi is a kite talking i love tommy chong i love him too um i've been doing comedy and virtual reality and now it's the closest to feeling like you're in front of people i thought that makes sense are you doing it like in a oculus or is it a valve. So it's like the best one. Good refresh rate. Can people record you? Yeah.

But I live stream it anyway. Oh, there you go. But it's cool to test out new jokes. Because there's like 20 people there. And they laugh. And they react. They're all like, oh! You know, like SpongeBob's excited.

Comedy is different with a small amount of people. There's a good kind of comedy that you can get out of a small amount of people. It's like you get an honest comedy. Because you can't put on a stupid show for three people. You have to really talk to them. It's weird. But you also don't get those big bits. You're not going to develop big bits.

Oh, no, it's all tags. It's all tags. It's all new ideas and stuff like that. Sometimes you have good bits. Oh, no, it's all tags. It's all tax. It's all like new ideas And yeah, sometimes you have good bits sometimes bits come from that though It depends really entirely on how fun the people are the audience member anybody says that it doesn't the audience doesn't matter It's like it's not the audience. It's the comedian. You're fucking crazy. You're crazy. Of course. It's the audience. Yeah, it's a bunch of people together It's everybody. Like, every single interaction between two people,

unless somebody comes up from behind you and hits you in the head, involves you and them interacting. There's a bunch of, you know, a lot of pieces in place. If there's a fucking group of people and then you're telling jokes, of course it matters who the audience is. Whoever the fuck said that's an idiot. That doesn't matter. There's no such thing as a bad crowd, only a bad comedian. Fuck you.

You don't know what you're talking about. It's funny. There's that Peacock thing. It's an app from NBC. It's free, and you get all these old episodes. And so I've been watching old Johnny Carson episodes. And it's weird. The monologue is so interesting.

It's like history like oh we're going through the gas uh crisis of 1979 or blah blah blah or blah blah but it's also interesting just to hear them talking about all that stuff like the old days and and like seeing Richard Pryor on with Betty Davis like they're smoking cigarettes while they're playing it's wow so it's such an interesting time capsule, that is. Yeah, those days, man, them bell-bottoms days. Bell-bottoms and long collars. People were living different then.

I remember fucking watching Letterman in 82. That was my thing. When I first got turned on to Letterman, a friend of mine turned me on to Letterman, and I thought it was the greatest thing ever. Who's the first comic you saw? Live? Yeah.

The first comic I listened to, I can't even fucking say the album cover because I'll get in trouble. I went to my friend's house to listen to The Beals, and his brother was a junkie. And he came out of the room. I was about eight, maybe nine, and he came out of the room. He goes, what the fuck kind of music is that shit?

The fuck you listening to? Take that shit off. I'm like, it's the Beatles. He's like, fuck the Beatles. And he put on Richard Pryor, the crazy. And my fucking head went off a swivel, Joe Rogan. Like it just completely went off a swivel.

I ran home to the bar and I worked my mom for five bucks. And I went to the album store. Albums were $4.99, you know. And I just had to get that album. And I went home and played it. I would hide it from my mother because you could put the album down and then put another album on top that was going to drop. So if your mom came in, you automatically dropped.

So she couldn't hear. And then I bought Bicentennial, and that put me over the top. Now, there was no dream of me being a comic at this time. I just thought the things he was saying was no dream of me being a comic at this time i just thought the things he was saying was so me like i wanted to be able to talk like that i'm cuban yeah i figured if i talked like that i could influence and win people over because i had that little insecurity about being an immigrant but if i I spoke like that, and I could be that funny, so I just started mimicking them.

And I would bring that album to people's houses, and the kids would be 10, and the mothers would catch us. And still today, there's a kid, Ray Canella, his mother's still mad at me for bringing over Richard Pryor. There were like three mothers that got mad at me. Lucio Fernandez, that's a committee man in Union City, he told me and my wife, we were eating one day, and he goes, let me tell you something about your husband.

He fucking turned me on to Richard Pryor when we were 10. I remember getting in trouble because I brought the out mode. I was that young, already into it, and then I got into Red Fox, and then Lenny i got into red fox and then lenny bruce got into it and then i saw carlin on hbo and that was tremendous and then i saw freddie prince and then i was partial to freddie prince i related to freddie prince because he was spanish so that gave me like hope like kind of you maybe, you know what I'm saying? Like Spanish people could do stand-up. Then he shot himself.

And I remember that night, the way, like, I still remember the night that kid killed himself. Like, we didn't get the news like you get it now. Like, I got the news when we were out that night. He had shot himself the night before or the early morning or whatever. But I still remember him getting shot and what year is this i was had to be 74 i was uh i was staying with my grandfather in newark uh during uh the chico and the man days. Chico and the Man followed Sanford and Son. Exactly. On Friday night at 8 o'clock.

My grandfather loved Sanford and Son. During Lent with a white pizza? Are you fucking, you're talking to the fucking, with a white pizza? Sanford and Son? Pull up a picture of Chico and the Man. It was a good fucking show. It was Freddie Prinze. And the old man. He was on top of the world, too, man.

That was the weird thing. Oh, my God. He was hosting the Tonight Show. They were grooming him to take over the old man. He was on top of the world, too, man. That was the weird thing. Oh, my God. He was hosting the Tonight Show. They were grooming him to take over the Tonight Show. When you hear about a guy like that taking his own life, you're like, there's no way. And then you and I were driving from Dallas to Houston. We pulled over at a record store, and we bought a thing of him live from Chicago, and it was terrible. Yeah, it it was terrible.

Yeah, it wasn't good. It was really bad. It was really bad. Well, you know the problem is, Joey, it was 1973 comedy. Yeah, it was 1973 comedy. And it's 73 comedy, not Richard Pryor. I mean, there was guys like Richard Pryor that were, to this day, like if you go back and listen to some of Richard Pryor's stuff, it still holds up.

It still holds up. And Jose Feliciano sang the tank. Yes! Oh my God. Yeah! Chico. Whatever the fuck it is. I don't remember how it goes, but I remember it.

Oh man. I liked that show. It just made me real sad. I remember thinking, how does someone who's that... He's killing it. He's got his own TV show. He's hilarious. Handsome. Is the man the guy from Charlie and the Charlie Factory? I just saw.

Oh, that's not his cool name anymore. The man's the old guy laying in bed with other guys. These motherfuckers were shooting guns at the comedy store. Him and fucking Pryor were shooting guns. Well, it's that cocaine, man. That cocaine, those guns.

That cocaine, those guns. Think about it. He was hanging out at the comedy store, that kid. And he was at the, him, Kaplan, they were all at the comedy store at that time. And you got to think, he's also super famous rich as fuck 21 and doing coke This kid yeah, how old was he when he died real young how old was Freddie Prince when he died I? Don't even think it's Freddie Prince the junior related at all. Yes. That's his son. Yeah, that's his son. How old is he?

Yeah, that's his son. How old is he? 20. Oh, 22. He was 22 and a half. Jesus Christ. 22. Holy shit, man.

You know why I still remember that night? Holy shit. You want me to tell you why I remember that night? Who? You want me to tell you why I remember that night specifically? Because on the way home, it was so fucking cold that I had to cut through the cemetery. And when I was walking through the cemetery, I had to take a shit. Oh, no. And I went in front of a fucking casket.

The guy had been buried in, like, 1920. So I go, fuck it. He's got no family left, right? It was freezing, Joe Rogan, freezing. I pull my pants down to my knees. I squat. I take a shit, and I start pissing. And all of a sudden, I go to get up, and I pissed in squat, I take a shit, and I start pissing. And all of a sudden I go to get up

and I pissed in my own pants. My pants were frozen. I had to walk home like the Tin Man because the piss went right into the fucking pants. So my pants, and I walked in and my mother was there. Oh my God. And she's like, there was, my mother would do surprise attacks

on Friday nights on me, like fucked up. Like she gave me the clearance, but like once a month I get a surprise attack. And that was one of the surprise attacks. But I walked in with pee on me, and she's like, what are we doing here? What do I got to do? Like what do I got to do? I got to kill another chicken? Are you retarded?

Are you fucking retarded? What are we doing here? Yeah, like I can't take this no more. You said walks in with frozen piss all over his pants. What are we doing here? Yeah, like, I can't take this no more. You said, walk in frozen piss all over his pants. What are we doing here is the funniest shit you could say. And every time I came home with an idea, my mother turned to Santeria. Like, that's it. I got to call your godmother.

I can't handle this no more. When I started dressing up like Bruce Lee and I had incense in my room and a bowl of rice, she was going nuts. Oh, yeah. Oh, I had the outfit, the white shirt that you folded. I bowed. I only ate rice. I fucking learned how to use charm sticks. My mother would go,

that's it, you gotta go to your godmother's house. You got a problem. You're retarded. Something's wrong with you. You're not Chinese, stupid. You're not Chinese. And that would make up reasons why I was Chinese. It used to be that you could dress like you did Kung Fu.

Nobody would even say anything. They'd be like, that guy's really into the arts. You could walk around with them little skinny, tiny black cloth shoes with a tiny tan heel. Remember those, Joey? They're basically slippers. They were slippers. They're slippers. They're like kung fu slippers.

And dudes wear white socks, and they have the full kung fu outfit on, and they just walk around the street like that. And you'd be like, all right, what are you going to do? And then right before. Yeah, there's the kung fu shoes. Oh, I had those. Dude, you just walk around with those, man. They would walk around with those shoes, and it's just,

it's a nice shortcut to, shortcut to instantly you seem like a guy who thinks of things in a different way. You seem spiritual. You're in touch with your chi and your energy. You can talk about Chinese medicine. You can say a lot of stupid shit if you're wearing those slippers and some dumb kung fu clothes. I used to walk around with that shit. My girlfriend's making me do this right now, like have outdoor slippers, indoor slippers.

Oh, that's a good move. And like slippers I can leave the house with. That's a good move just for your health. Yeah, but have three different slippers. The problem is if you leave your shoes on when you come in the house, you're tracking all kinds of garbage from outside. That is actually a good move.

But the kung fu outfit, not so much. About three weeks before my mother died, she would never be home on Friday nights. Because she was a degenerate gambler. So she would hit the tracks on Friday nights. But every once in a while she'd surprise attack me.

I'd have to use the Visine. I would drink Boone's Farm. Strawberry Hill. Strawberry Hill? Strawberry Hill. That's how I started. And then I wouldn't really drink as much. My thing was the marijuana.

That was my thing. And I didn't want her to catch me, so I'd Visine it, and I'd try to act normal. And fucking, I got high with this girl, and I didn't know. We were swapping spit, and I ate her this girl and I didn't know. You know, we were swapping spit and I ate her monkey and she was bleeding. I didn't know. I didn't even know a period existed. I didn't know what the fuck it was. And I walk in my house

and I had a little bit of blood on my lip and my hair and my mother's like what are you, the wolf man? I'll never forget. She asked me, el hombre lobo, que te paso She asked me, Did she know? No. She didn't know what it was? No, I didn't tell her.

I was embarrassed. I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I was 15 years old. Didn't you think she just assumed? That it was blood from a period? Yeah. No. Wouldn't she ask you if you got in a fight then?

She asked me what happened, and I was like, I cut my lip. And she's like, how? How the fuck did you cut your lip? And I'm like, I don't know. And I made up some fucking fake story. But don't you think she knew you were lying? Moms know. You lying to a mom?

I did that once. I went to Starbucks, but I was like 35. She caught me with a girl once. And the girl was hiding in the closet. And I'll never forget, my mom came into my room, looked around, looked at me, and she just slid the closet. It was one of those sliding closets. And the girl was just standing there topless, and she goes, get out. Get out.

And then she would call the boys and shit. No. No, oh my God. I used to date the she would call them whores and shit. No. No. Oh, my God. I used to date the girl that lived in my backyard. The poor girl. I used to date a girl that our backyards connected. We were in love in the sixth grade.

It's the reason why I got left back. In the sixth grade, I fell in love. No sex. I fell in love. No sex at all. I just fell in love with her. She made me a promise that in June, when school ended, we were going to start dating official.

We could make out and shit. Before that, we would just hug and kiss each other in the cheek. And we would play hooky and do stupid shit and go to Union City. And I'd spend money on her at fucking this little amusement park and shit. And one day, they fucking called home home and my mother answered the phone. And my mom started yelling. And the girl's parents were home. And my mom started yelling,

Oh, Santonio, where the fuck are you? You with that whore from across the way? So me and her walk into her house. and her mother pulls me aside and she goes the things your mother is saying i should go over there and smack her in the face and i almost told the lady listen if you go over there my mom will break you in half you got the wrong lady she just stabbed the three weeks ago you're not gonna go over there and say nothing to my mother. And I remember walking in and my mother being pissed. I wasn't allowed to hang out with that girl no more.

You know, I was in the sixth grade, seventh grade. My mom didn't want me to be a freak. She didn't want me to fucking have a girlfriend. She was like totally against it. Like, not until you were in the eighth grade. My mom would yell at me in the ninth grade if I was in the bedroom and I had the door shut. Oh, yeah, the door open.

No, I guess it was 10th grade. 15's when I really started getting some action. 14 was a rough year. I had this friend. I had this tight friend called Eddie. Let's just leave it at Eddie. We were tight. I loved Eddie. Eddie and me were tight. He, all right? We were tight. I loved Eddie.

Eddie and me were tight. He's the one that turned me on to how to roll a joint. Eddie was a couple years older than me, and he had a girlfriend that was a couple years older than me. Eddie's family picked up one day and went to Miami. Just like that. Left him behind? Left the chick behind.

Left this beautiful German girl behind. So she lived on Charles Court. In fact, she lived next to where the Iceman, the guy that was the Iceman. The murderer? Yeah, the guy that was his buddy, the ice cream truck, Mr. Softy. That's where he lived, Prange. So Ilona was her name. She was a hot German girl.

And on Friday nights after Eddie left, I mean, we were just friends. And she was way older than me. We were just fucking friends. And we would watch Chico and the Man and Sanford and Son. One night she asked me, do you want to make out? I didn't even know how to make out with a girl. We made out together and that was it. Every Friday she'd come over, we'd eat, and we'd make out for a little while.

No sex. Nothing like that. Yeah, that took years. Years. There's a lot of squeezing breastises. That's been some shitty pizza. I was just telling somebody, I grew up with Catholic girls. You had to talk a lot of shit around Catholic girls.

They weren't, you had to go for it. It took a long time to take a Catholic girl's bra off. But once they popped a cork off that champagne, those gals is good to go. The Catholic girls? Yes. They're the biggest freaks. But the first night is not good. They cry.

You got to walk them home and rub their back and tell them they're not going to go to hell. Because that's the big thing. They thought about going to hell. I think with the internet, they're less likely to worry about going to hell. No, no. I'm talking about going to hell. I think with the internet, they're less likely to worry about going to hell. No, no. I'm talking about 1970 Catholic girls. I had one girlfriend that that happened, and it was the longest night of my fucking life. I had one in 83.

She called me when she got home. This is 70 fucking eight. All right? That beats that. You're five years ahead of me. And she went to an all-girls academy. Uh-oh academy you understand me so I played at St. Michael's CYO

okay the home of Tommy motherfucking Heinsen if anybody knows anything hey so and she went to the school that she leaded for us so I dated and eventually

you know something happened and it was brutal. It was brutal. The crying. The crying. The guilt for two days. The guilt that she had. Go to hell because you did what your body wants. I had the same guilt, bro. I could not believe it.

After that I went straight. I was like, this isn't going to happen again until I marry a woman. That's how fucking Catholic I was, guys. The crazy thing is they didn't tell us anything about birth control. They didn't tell us shit. No. Everybody was already fucking before anybody got to talk to. Everybody was already fucking by the time they were 16.

And when you're 17, your dad or your mom or school, someone's going to pull you aside and say, well, if you're going to have sex, like, gonna. Everybody around you is fucking. You leave these 16, 17-year-olds together. They go to birthday parties together. They're drinking. Everybody's fucking. They're fucking when they're 16 all the

time. That's so normal. I don't know what age people fucked at when they were like in the 1950s, when our parents were growing up. I don't know what age people fucked at when they were like in the 1950s when our parents were growing up. I don't know what the number is. Desi and Lucy didn't fuck. They slept in separate beds. They slept in separate beds.

All those TV shows, they slept in separate beds. But do you think people did less fucking or do you think they did less talking about it? They fucked and sucked. That's what I'm saying. They fucked the shit out of Marilyn Monroe, didn't they? Oh, they did. They fucked that poor woman to death. Almost to death.

Bro, I know this dude that you know that Marilyn Monroe fucked him when he was 16 and she was 22. Oh, yeah. We know that dude. You know who I'm talking about? He played the, he was the guy in that Sony. Oh, should we give him up? Huh? Tom Hanks.

No. It wasn't Tom Hanks. It's your boy. Yeah, it was. No, it's Gianni. That's why he's trying to get out of here. It's Gianni whatever. The guy that Sonny beats up

and the Godfather. Yeah. You didn't know that? I think I did. Yeah. It's the guy that Sonny beats up. There's a lot. My memory is full.

Yeah. It's really full. Like over this last, I's a lot. My memory is full. It's really full. Like, over this last, I mean, I know I'm 53, so I'm, like, officially old now. I've been officially old for at least eight years. But, like, now, like, officially, officially old. Like, my memory is full. It's like I can still pull stuff up that I know, but, like, the new stuff, it's hard to get in there. And there's a lot of old stuff I'm just deleting left and right. I forget what I have for lunch.

But if you read the article I told you to read a long time ago. Which one? The one about Johnny Russo said he lost his virginity to Marilyn Monroe at 15. Woo! That's what's up! See this is the difference.

If that's some horrible man who did that to a 15 year old girl it's a crime. But we're all excited for him. Imagine you're a 15-year-old. And Marilyn Monroe throws you a piece of ass. Even the cops would smack you. Marilyn Monroe, 15. Can you imagine today one of these mothers from Studio City,

I want to speak to an officer, Marilyn Monroe fucked my son. The cop would even smack her in the face. Shut the fuck up, you dummy. That kid's so lucky. He fucked Marilyn Monroe when he was 15. He's so lucky. She probably sat on his face and shit. Is there a calendar girl?

Is there a movie about that? There's some guys that have this weird relationship. Jason Priestley was in it, I think. Oh, no shit. In the 90s. I don't remember that one. It's probably not about that movie, but it's like a dramatized version of a young dude that had a relationship with Marilyn Monroe.

That's hilarious. Listen, man, I think it's amazing that she was willing to do that. I think it's amazing. She'd find some 15-year-old kid and go, I'm going to freak this fucking kid out. I'm Marilyn Monroe. I'm going to fuck a gardener. I'm going to fuck some 15-year-old kid pushing a lawnmower. Let's do it, baby. Can you imagine? You're on the couch,

15-year-old kid, and Marilyn Monroe just grabs your dick and sticks it inside of her. You're like, what? How is this happening? You remember that iconic video of her standing on the subway grate in Manhattan? It's blown her skirt up, and here's Marilyn Monroe riding you.

Can you imagine him telling his friends, and they're like, get the fuck out of here. Exactly. Get the fuck out of here. You didn't fuck no Marilyn Monroe. She is so full of shit. You won't believe his latest lie. What if she was that gross, though? She was so drugged up and drunk that people are like, ooh, get her away from me.

Put her over next to that 15-year-old kid. No, Brian, there's video of her before she died. There's video of her the year that she was still alive before she died. She was beautiful. That movie was based off of this. That old I had a secret show. It's like the guy went on and said,

I had a date with Marilyn Monroe, and she paid for it. Oh, my God. So then the movie came out in 1983. Dude, I have so much more respect for her now. I just think if I was a female famous actor, that'd be the most gangster thing to do. Fuck high school seniors. Just grab them.

Get in the limo, bitch. No one would have a problem with it. No one would have a problem with it. Everybody would have a problem with everything. We would all be laughing, though. But if the biggest movie star in the world was scooping up high school seniors and blowing them, nobody would get mad at them. They would say, that's crazy. I think that's happening.

There was a gym teacher in my school that fucked. No one's at school right now. There was a female gym teacher in my school that fucked everybody. Didn't fuck me. She didn't like me. She fucked everybody. We used to me. She didn't like me. She fucked everybody. We used to drop people off at a house. You ever drop, like, Red Band, where you going?

You guys got to drop me off at Miss whatever's house. And she would just fuck the kids? Yeah, she would just fuck. She had to be in her 30s. Now, how old were the kids? 16, 15, 17. Whoever's ready to party. Everybody gave her a fucking stab.

Now, did everybody talk about it how many people talked about it it was well known did the teachers know about it or did the kids keep their mouth shut because that's the difference between today and then I think she was giving pussy to the teachers too she ended up marrying one of the teachers

did she I'm not sure she was a hot blonde she was a hot blonde. She was a hot blonde. And then there was a chick in our high school that just liked older guys. And I remember we were in summer school. And we were standing outside. And this chick was fucking hammered. She had to be 16, 15, my age.

Sophomore summer. And right in front of everybody, she just went up to the vice principal, Hammond, and just started grabbing his dick and going, let's get out of here, baby. And he's like, all right, everybody can go play now. And fucking, he just froze. I know the girl. I'm friends with her on Facebook today. Really?

She's got kids. Yeah. Wow. She got kids Yeah Wow She got kids The whole fucking deal And I talk to her from time to time Say hello That's hilarious

She was a freak When I was a kid There was always a neighborhood freak There was a neighborhood freak in my neighborhood Fucked all the kids that played softball She was hot She was 21 Always had torn jeans

They always knew a lot about rock. They always introduced you to some old Sabbath. She'd play some old Zeppelin. Like, I didn't know. You know, I was musically illiterate at the point. I learned a lot about music from this lady. She's a nice lady. Did she smell like cigarettes?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I thought it was hot. My street girl smelled like cigarettes. I thought it was hot. I thought girls would smell like My street girl smelled like cigarettes. I thought it was hot. I thought girls would smell like a woman that smelled like she smoked cigarettes. It was hot. Because it was like a dangerous lady.

Doesn't give a fuck about cancer. That's my rationale when I was a kid. I thought it was the dumbest thing for you to do for your health. But I also thought it was hot if girls smoked cigarettes. I'll tell you how hard it was in my neighborhood to score. That on Facebook, most of the kids on Friends are from my neighborhood. They married their high school sweethearts. That's how anti-sex, not anti-sex, but that's my high school was very old school.

Old fashioned. It was very old school. Old fashioned. It was very old fashioned. You'd marry your high school sweetheart. If you took a Spanish girl on a date, you had to go with her grandmother the first three or four dates. Italian girls, sometimes you got to bring the abuela, you know, the grandma with you. It was a different time. I didn't learn about sugar daddies and all that shit. When I moved to Seattle, I heard all that nonsense.

And then the shit that you hear once you move here. I had never been raised around that shit. I'm a criminal. I don't know nothing about that fucking islands and Tom Hanks. What the fuck? What the fuck? And you hear this shit, you know, the Epstein. I don't know.

I don't know what to believe. I don't know. Well, I don't think Tom Hanks is part of that. The Tom Hanks thing is more or less an internet meme. It's like a joke that they're pretending that Tom Hanks is a pedophile. But the Epstein thing is real. That's what's crazy. It's like there's so much talk about all these other things when there's a whole log of people that went to this island with a guy who was a pedophile

who was known for having underage girls, and he didn't really kill himself, and everybody knows it. So since everybody knows somebody killed him. Did you take the over? What's the over? I took the over that they're going to bomb that place where they have her. They can't choke her. No. They can't choke her, and they can't suicide her.

So there's either going to be some type of disruption. Corona. Some type of disruption. Corona. Some. A heavy dose of Corona. Well, that was one of the things I talked to Oliver Stone about with Jack Ruby. Yeah.

He said that Jack Ruby getting cancer and dying so quickly, like that didn't really make sense. And that they were working on things that you could do to people where you could inject them and they'd get cancer and die yeah yeah corona is either gonna be uh it's gonna be interesting to see what happens they're gonna blow her out of there if she has to testify the fucking marines gotta go yeah the marines gotta go e-bike accident like poor simon poor fucking simon he broke his back what he was on though I have two e-bikes I'm addicted to that lifestyle but what he was on is is like a motorbike it's like a Tron motorcycle that's has like the torque of a Tesla you know no it's like he was on one of those one of those what. What's he doing? I don't know. I think...

No helmet? I think it's fun. It's like having a Tesla as a bike. But is it a motorcycle or is it a scooter? Do you need a license? It's classified as... Instead of a motorbike, like X-Games style, it's just an e-battery. Bro, when we were in Austin, I was watching those drunk fucks roll by on those scooters.

I was like, do you need a license for that? You should have a license you do you guys are going kind of fast You do you're supposed to use as you when you sign up for the thing you're supposed to like take a picture of your ID And if you fall going 15 miles an hour you are fucked Like I don't know if you realize how fucked you are if you fall on concrete and you're going 15 miles an hour You're fucked one of mine goes 38 38 yeah, and it's just like yeah my Jamie's got a crazy one to listen bitch you're hitting the concrete and electric poles it hurts oh my god stop you don't understand if you hit

something at 30 miles an hour that's way different than okay let's say 15 something at 15 miles an hour you hit the concrete and a pole with 15 miles an hour you have no understanding of what you what do you weigh like 200 pounds the ones you rent off the street have a they're limited to only go like 13 miles an hour or something like that if you hit a pole at 13 miles an hour listen to me jamie you're gonna get fucked up you're gonna get fucked up like really fucked up that's full sprint i know i get it Whoo, but I'm saying that you if you just walk Nearly well, you don't but other folks are intoxicated. You're very well coordinated, but I'm saying it's kind of crazy

You can just pick one of these things up with no license and you're going 15 miles an hour booking down the streets These are the ones you rent on the street You have to have a license You do it without like you can give it to your kid. But as you sign up for it, you're giving a liability. You take a picture of your license. Oh, okay. So you have to have a driver's license.

To rent it, not buy it. That's better. Yeah, not to buy it. That's better. But it's definitely more complicated than driving a car, right? You've got to balance on that thing. A bike? You.

But if someone's a slob, right? It's not hard. But if a slob, if someone just has no coordination, they just decide to get on one of those things. It's just a bike. A scooter? Oh, a scooter. Those scooters that are everywhere. Yeah, I don't like the scooters.

You can go fast. Yeah, you can go as fast. There's scooters that go 45 miles an hour that you can buy. Come on. You can't do that. You need a helmet. Where's your fucking helmet? Oh, yeah, you definitely have to. You're going 40 miles an hour that you could buy. Come on. You can't do that. You need a helmet. Where's your fucking helmet? You're going 40 miles an hour.

Where's your helmet? It's real common, though. But listen, at least if people fall down, they're not. You could fucking wipe into somebody. You could wipe into somebody and hurt them pretty bad. Keep your eyes open. They banned them in Hoboken. They banned them.

They banned them because they were being dropped all over the place and people were hurting themselves. That's just another fucking headache for people. It's weird because you can just leave them on the sidewalk. You leave them on the sidewalk. People are doing them at night. You're taking a chance. Every time you get on one of those fucking things it's a fucking

nightmare. Whoever invented that. I support people's right to do it. No, I don't give a fuck. Let them do it, but don't come crying to me when you get hit in the fuck by a truck Yeah, don't come crying to me then I wouldn't advise any of my friends, especially if they're intoxicated Like you just take this home No, if you're thinking should I take this home? You definitely shouldn't take that home because a mistake one fucking one fucking mistake. Dog. Listen, Joe Rogan. You get dewey on this too, I think. What's that?

Operating while intoxicated. Oh, yeah. And you? Yeah. Oh, okay. Absolutely. That makes sense. Of course you.

My brother, I took a bike riding during this quarantine. I saw. You know what time I leave my house? I follow you on Patreon. 8.15. 8.15 a.m. Do you know why I do that? There's a reason. Why? Because there's nobody out.15. 8.15 a.m. Do you know why I do that? There's a reason.

Why? Because there's nobody out. Yeah. I go against the grain. Like, I don't let cars behind me. I go against cars. You got something to say, you shut your fucking mouth. I wear a hooded sweatshirt with a 22 just in case.

Jesus, don't tell people that. I don't wear headphones. I put my mask onirt with a 22 just in case. Jesus, don't tell people that. I don't wear headphones. I put my mask on like a decent fucking American, and I take that fucking bike to Hunger, to fucking Toluca Lake. Sometimes I go on the sidewalk, whatever. But trust me, I know that I'm in danger of getting hit. Every time I get on those bikes, I say a prayer because there's a lot of motherfuckers texting.

I see it. When you're on a bike, you got to work hard now. A scooter, you're in danger. You're in danger. You're best bet is to get a bike and go on the Chandler Trail. That's what normal people would do. You're pretty safe there, you know. I've done that a lot too. But the Chandler Trail

is kind of weird. There's people walking. Right. You know, and there's people with fucking dogs. They gotta take their dogs everywhere. Can people leave the fucking dogs at home in California? You go there, I was hungry. I went to eat and all of a sudden the lady's sitting there with a fucking dog, social distancing.

The dog can't stay home. Not one day. Everybody in California got to fucking take a dog. They have emotional support dogs. And a long fucking leash. Emotional dogs. Take Xanax like everybody else. Do a line of fucking Coke.

Where do you think Coke is up to? 1,800 an ounce. Is it really? 1,800 an ounce. What did it used to be? Six. They were giving it away three years ago. What happened?

COVID. Borders are closed. COVID and they got an extra six. Oh, it's hard to get in. COVID and they got an extra 600 a week on unemployment. What are you kidding me? Did you see that new Mexican tunnel they just found? Oh, yeah.

The most complicated tunnel they've ever discovered. That's an easy one. Have you seen that, Jamie? They gave them that one. Did you see that shit? Remember, they built 20 at a time. Yeah, yeah. And they want you to find one. They sacrifice one so you have a big gave him that one. Have you seen that shit? Remember, they built 20 at a time. Yeah, yeah. And they want you to find one.

They sacrifice one, so you have a big victory for Fox News. Yeah, you're jumping up and down. And meanwhile, fucking... Mexican drug lord stopped at the border, the most sophisticated tunnel in U.S. history, discovered between Mexico and Arizona. Although it's not exactly clear what this structure was intended for, it had ventilation, a rail system and extensive reinforcement yeah look at that shit dude that's how the vampires come in that's how they got el

chapo out you ever see that the el chapo one's amazing el chapo goes to take a shit and never returns he goes behind this little thing he's the only thing that keeps the camera from seeing him taking a shit is a thing where you can't see him when he's sitting so it's like a thing about this high so he turns around towards where the toilet is ducks down and disappears forever from sight like he's like taking a shit for like five hours to go in and check on the guy they find out there's a door behind the shitter and he's got a tunnel built in there with a rail system like a real rail system and lighting and electricity goes a mile long so he gets under the tunnel. He gets in there. They take him off before the fucking people in the jail can realize he's gone.

He's a mile away. He pops out of this building. He gets out of this building and they swoop him up in a truck or whatever, a helicopter, and they get him the fuck out of there. But it's hilarious. Watch. He goes behind this thing to take a shit. He's like, this is his take a shit area.

And when he does it, he just disappears. So here's to take a shit. He's like this is like take a shit area and When he does it he just disappears So here's this take a shit area. He's like hmm. I'm just gonna take my pants off real quick. Let me lean forward Mm-hmm Ducks down boom he's through the floor. He's gone Bro they had it all set up for him. They popped him out on the other end. His son got arrested recently, and then they released him.

They're like, fuck it. They got surrounded by cartel people, they negotiated, and they just released him. It was crazy. That's a complete different world. It's a different world. It's right there, bro. You can walk there. If you live in La Jolla, you can walk there, son. How crazy. Yeah.

Crazy. Pretty crazy. Let me tell you something. There he is. Hey, what's up, guys? Everything's cool. Relax. The fucking Pablo Escobar two seasons were very good. That guy who plays Escobar is incredible.

The guy. What's his name? I don't know. He's a Panamanian, whatever. Is he Panamanian? Jamie's going to pull it up. That guy needs his respect. He's so good.

Then you have the season of the Cali cartel. Yeah. I didn't make it. That one was. Too many murders. Yeah. That one opens up with them burying a guy. Wagner Mora.

Wagner Mora. I think he's from Brazil. Yeah, Brazilian. Sorry. He got tormented because his Spanish was bad. Yeah. Fucking people. The guy could act as asshole.

Oh, he could act as asshole. But then you had season, the Cali cartel. That was good. The season opened up when they rip a guy apart with motorcycles. They put a motorcycle on each leg and they rip a guy apart with motorcycles. They put a motorcycle on each leg, and they just tear him apart. That's the season opener. So you know it.

And the guy is gay. That runs the click. So he goes to that party, gets a bottle, fucking takes over the dance floor, makes out with his gay lover, takes the bottle, breaks it over the guy's head, then ties him up with a motorcycle and rips him apart. Fucking tremendous opening. Oh, my God. Then we skip the Cali cartel. What season is this?

This is season three and four, or season three is the Cali cartel. Then it goes into season Narcos Mexico. season Narcos Mexico and to me in my world, and you know me dog I come at you with Lawrence Fishburne I'll tell you who's really doing their craft right. Who are pimps of the game

right now. That we've seen who are the major pimps of the fucking game. Right now the major pimps of the game that you and I have seen in our lifetime have been guys like Lawrence Fishburne. You know, this kid who does John Wick is doing a great fucking job.

The English guy is the real deal. Say what you want about my... Nah. Which one? He's amazing. Say what you want about... No, the other English dude. The one that was in The Fighter. The one... You see Capone? You want to shoot yourself in the head two times.

Leave me alone with Tom Hardy. Tom Hardy was good with Gandolfini. That's the best thing fucking Tom Hardy did. That and the fucking Bronson. Christian Bale. What? Christian Bale is fucking the real deal. You got to rock with Christian Bale.

But the dude who fucking does Narcos Mexico, the little dude, that dude is on a different level. He's on a different level. He takes that show to a different level. You can't take your eyes off him. And I didn't even know that this Latin theater existed. When I was a kid, I watched Telemundo and telenovelas. That's the gay one. He's tremendous. That's the gay one. He's tremendous.

That's the gay one. That's when they're in Cali Cartel. This is all good stuff. But the guy, Narcos Mexico, he's so fucking good. It's scary how good he is. He does two seasons. He's the one that, and I saw, he tells the story of what happened in New York. We were buying brown wheat, and all of a sudden they were selling a wheat called Sensimilla.

And it was a weed that was grown with no seeds, So it was easier to pack and easier to smuggle. So they had to convince these people that this was the future. But there's a problem with sensimia. It has to be grown in the desert. It can't be grown anywhere else because a male plant will fuck up the whole thing. So it's got to be grown in the desert. Who grows weed in the desert? These motherfuckers set up an irrigation thing.

Explain the male-female plant thing. I don't. You know what I mean? I do know. But Jamie, when he gets a minute. When Jamie gets a minute. I know it. I know it's a thing.

Like hermaphrodites or something. They can switch. But yeah, they can switch genders. But the flowery ones are the females. Right? Like marijuana. You want to make sure that they're female and make sure the males don't fuck them over and switch them.

Yeah. I don't know how we can get too close and change each other. Can you see the biggest crop seeds from narcos? So marijuana growers are transphobic. Is that what you're saying? These motherfuckers. Mint seeds are assholes. Look at the size of this fucking.

This went on for days where they just grew this weed. And they would do it right before... Do you know how to grow weed? No. Every time I do it, I fail. But this, they show you how... Damn. They show you how...

Look at that. Look at the size of those... How did Netflix pull this off? What do they do? It's brilliant. Do you think it's all CGI? A lot of CGI mixed with fake. Some plants?

You can have real plants. They're legal now. Well, they're probably just plastic. But this guy devised a system. This guy devised a system that he knew that there was water in the desert, and that's where they grew this weed. And this kid here, he could eat motherfuckers alive for breakfast with his acting.

That dude there, that little Mexican right there. And I watched him a couple times. And I go, there's something special about this kid. I'm not going to look him up or whatever. And I finally looked him up. His mother died when he was three. And his father was a stagehand in Mexico. So his father was a set designer, which means that he grew up around his father on the set designing, which made him a little bit more creative than the average fucking kid.

He was also in Star Wars. This kid will eat motherfuckers up for lunch when they let him go. He's going to eat motherfuckers up for lunch when they let him go. He's going to eat motherfuckers up for lunch when they let him go. They just, Narcos was his shit. He was that good Diego Luna, that fucking good Joe Rogan. Steals it. There's even one episode where he tells his wife, I don't need you anymore.

You can go. Whoa. Cold-blooded. And how he does it, the whole, from A to Z, from A to Z, how he started with weed first, and then he went on a mission to do a favor, and he saw cocaine in Nicaragua. And he goes, all the cocaine is stuck in Nicaragua.

Why is it stuck in Nicaragua because they had closed the roots from Miami so he went to he went to fucking Cali cartel they told him you got two choices you got the Cali cartel they're legit businessmen

they don't even look like drug dealers but then we got another guy that's very emotional. So you have to pick who you want to go with. He went with the businessman. Cut a deal. On the way to the airport, they get kidnapped. They take him right to Pablo's house.

Oh, Jesus. It is one of the greatest fucking scenes ever with how Pablo talks to him. He says, what did you, are you doing here? I went to Cali. Pablo lights up a fucking joint. Pablo's talking to him. He went to Cali, okay. He goes, and then he goes, what are you going to do with a hippopotamus?

Pablo had a hippopotamus. And Pablo's telling him, like, he loves hippopotamuses because they're smooth and all this shit. And the whole time he's just smoking a joint. He goes, I'm going to cut you a deal. For every load you take of theirs, you take one of mine in. And that's how that whole thing began. Oh. And the guy agreed to it.

Sure, and the guy agreed to it. Smart. Yeah, agreed to it. Don't be greedy, bitch. He goes, because if you do that for me, then you're going to put me out of business. Do you think that Narcos is like the Rocky movies for drug dealers? It's very sad. You know what?

Narcos, the first two seasons of three seasons of Narcos is very sad for a guy like me. Really? Because it shows you the truth of what happened. It shows you that the Colombians had something going on, and once the Americans saw the amount of money, they tapped right into it. Right. That whole thing with Barry Seale and Arkansas, that's all real. We can't rewrite that.

It's like the first time you realize the Kennedy hit was done by the CIA or whoever did it. Right. You say to yourself, wow, we have a government that ices their own people. Right. Now they're fucking help bring in these drugs. The same war on drugs that they have on paper, they're profiting off. And then when you look at the fucking weed thing from the narcos perspective. You don't know the

amounts of weed they were bringing in. They were supplying the whole country with green weed. The whole country would send some media. Damn. And everybody was in on it. But meanwhile, Reagan is on there with his wife

just saying no. So you see the hypocrisy and it kind of hurts you. You go, But meanwhile, Reagan is on there with his wife just saying no. Yep. So you see the hypocrisy, and it kind of hurts you. You go, what the fuck else won't they do, you know? Well, the just say no thing was coming from the same administration that funded the conscious versus the Sandinistas with CIA drug money run through South Central LA. And they show him. Through Freeway Ricky Ross, who's been on the podcast twice. Yes, they show him.

The real Rick Ross. Yeah, they show him. Narcos, the Mexican kid I just told you, they show him going because the plane goes down. He's in that. How they discovered that whole thing was a plane goes down. And all of a sudden Oliver Wood, whatever his name is, Oliver North, Oliver South, whatever his fucking name was.

Oliver North. Well, guess what happened? Narco went to the CIA after they had killed Kiki Camarena. He's the most wanted man in the fucking world for being one of the guys that murdered Kiki Camarena. He shows up at CIA headquarters and goes, whoa, whoa, I got the fucking answer to your problems. What year was this, Jamie?

I will continue to bring you fucking weapons. This has happened a couple of times. 2007. I think this is a later one. This is one that you and I have brought up before because it was like a CIA. It was in 2008 also. Of course it is. They fucking crash all the time.

There was one that just happened. Didn't one just happen somewhere in the world? It happens. They glued them up with cocaine, these fucks. They get greedy. When you get coked up, you're like, it's going to make it. Jesus wants us to land. Just Mexico, I looked up.

I erased that part. But there was one that just happened like real real recently In Afghanistan There's one that happened No that was 2007 There's one that happened like a week ago No there was It wasn't a CIA plane that landed recently But it was one that crashed

Right after taking off Overloaded I put too much on it It was in New Zealand right landed recently those one that crashed right after taking off yeah there it is it was in New Zealand right or Australia Melbourne there you go there's not as much as a half a ton they had one of them old fucking propeller planes loaded up with coke those planes in the way you have to what you have to be honest about what you weigh like if you get on the plane with your wife and she's like 146, you're like, pitch, I don't want to die. I used to have to be. You're 152.

My mom would make extra money on the side when she worked at Wendy's and take those planes down to like Atlanta and drop off stuff. And I just remember being a kid in the backseat reading Garfield going, I'm going to die. Like I'm going to die. How many times did you have to fly on one of those? I'd probably say at least 10 times that I remember. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I get sick in those little planes.

I did one of those motherfuckers. What was Wendy's dropping off? Like, special sauce? I don't know. Yeah, what the fuck? Yeah, man. No, that was an interesting cast. That Narcos is an interesting.

They did them right. I think this year they're going to Miami. They killed it with Pablo. They killed it. Killed it. That guy is so good. Killed it. And the guy I like that they hired was that dude that got like 2,000 years in jail.

The one who ran the island. Like his story is hilarious. Because he was a John Lennon fanatic. And he was half German, so he was a Hitler. But he was Spanish.

Okay? Sounds like a Saturday Night Live show. So when the cops went, when the feds went all extradite on these guys, they became the extraditables. This guy took to the radio and they show scenes of him on the radio fucking out. Like, okay, so you cannot take us back to the United States because you're the number one export porter of our product. And he's snoring. All of a sudden he sees like an assistant walk by and he goes,

hey, come here. And all of a sudden he's like, and all of a sudden she just kneels down. She's blowing him on camera. And he's like, listen to me. You have to. He became nuts. When was this? Listen.

Listen to what they did, okay? Hold on. Is there a video of this you can get? Oh, my God. Carlos Lader is a fucking lunatic. Carlos Lader was the one who went to Pablo and said, I'm going to fly the coke back for you. But we're going to make a stop on an island. So they bought an island.

They fucking threw the doctor off. There was a white doctor. They're like, oh, nice to meet you. And they were like, listen, there's a whole story about it that's hysterical. The guy called the feds. There's something going on over there. They're doing pornographic. They're running in planes of blow.

Wow. And they bought everybody out, but there was this one white dude. there they're doing pornographic you know they're running in planes of blow wow and this is one they brought everybody out but there was this one white dude who's like this is my island i'm an american i fought in world war ii i'm not leaving and they're like dog we're gonna kill you okay we're gonna keep and all night they were bringing in planes refueling them and sending them out bringing in planes, refueling them, and sending them out. Carlos Lader. What does it say? U.S. drug lord and Escobar partner Lader released in Germany from prison.

When was this? Oh, my God. He's just now. From Florida to Germany. Oh, from Florida to Germany. Because he's originally from Germany. His father was German. He's got 2,000 years.

So what they did was this. What they did was this. It's got 2,000 years. So what they did was this. What they did was this. It doesn't take a fucking genius. This kid got the island. He made them a bunch of money. But then he started doing a podcast from the island with cameras and naked women of him snorting coke with a robot. How old was he? Who the fuck knows? 28, 30, just making $20 million a day.

Think if you're making $20 million a day and you're just addicted to coke. There's bags of blow behind you. He's just ripping bags open, snorting them, just talking. He was a John Lennon fan. So he would talk about come to— That's him? There he is. He would do these videos for hours for days so he was like

an original YouTube star yeah so what they did was but he wasn't posting on YouTube he was like did so what you did was my space boy he's the first one they gave up when the shit got deep and the Colombians were in trouble the five Colombians sat down they said listen kid's on an island talking about Jim Morrison and the doors. Let's let the feds know where he's at. We'll give him you and we got no beef. So they extradited Laidere. They gave him 2,000 years.

Look up the sentence. I'm not trying to be funny. They gave him 1,000 years. So why would God. Look up the sentence. I'm not trying to be funny. They gave him 1,000 years. So why would they extradite him to Germany? Because he gave them information years later about, he gave them, like, vital, he gave them really great information that if the country fucking knew, we would sink. Like, he gave them shit. Like what?

He gave them information that he was, he also, not beside having his island, that that was also a distraction. His main contributor, his main supplier was Fidel. So Fidel was letting him go to Cuba, bring the coke to Cuba, stock it, and for every ship that went out from Cuba to the United States with a Cuban flag, Fidel would get a kickback of $800,000. Fidel was sending three, four ships a day. So he testified against Fidel, which obviously nobody ever arrested Fidel, and he told them everything he knew about the ins and outs of money moving. You could find it online, all the shit he had done.

This guy in Blow is based off of him. That guy in Blow is based on him. George Young's cellmate in prison. Isn't it funny? No one wants their son to do that, but everybody loves these movies. Yeah, that's weird. Isn't that weird? Like Jamie, if you had a son, your son became a fucking drug dealer. In this movie,

his father is Henry Hill. No shit. And he knows that he's doing it. It's a very good movie. Is that real? In real life? No, no, no, no, no. In the movie... So it's a fictional kid. Ray Liotta. Ray Liotta plays his father in this movie. Oh, Henry Hill.

You mean... And one day... I thought you meant the actual Henry Hill. No, fuck Henry Hill. What are the odds? It's a criminal family. Right. Thank you very much. Jamie had to translate for you.

Jamie's a psychic. For sure. Jamie's 100% a psychic. It's really crazy you said that because in the movie, he goes to his house one time, the father. And he goes, I saw all this on the landscape. What are you doing, son?

And he goes, what are you talking about? She comes from wealth. And then he gets busted and stuff. Look at this right here. Look at that old school Corvette. Look at that fucking car. Look at his house. They're from fucking Boston. He's in and stuff. Look at this right here. Look at that old school Corvette. Look at that fucking car. Look at his house. They're from fucking Boston.

He's in a palace. Look at that car, though. Go wide. Look at that fucking car. That's a generation one Corvette. That's sexy. That's even before mine. Mine is a 65.

That's probably early 60s, maybe even 50s that thing's amazing those cars back then man you like that early first series corvette holy shit what a car that is ron white's got one of those a sick one see if you can find it see if ron white's corvette is online ron white has a sick corvette. I'm going to go piss again. You get out of there, big boy. Generation One. He has a Generation One convertible that's just immaculate. Ron White has got to be one of the coolest people on the planet.

Sweetheart. Got to be one of the coolest people. Owns his own tequila company. Funny as fuck fuck always cool to hang with never never has an attitude he's never had an attitude he's always ron white you like you what you see is what you get that's ron motherfucking white he's always super sweet hugs people reminds me of what texas is in a human form he's fucking awesome he's just a fucking awesome guy i love him to death there's

his car and he's got the dopest choice in vehicles look at that god damn what a car is he having somebody else drive it for him i think it's probably like when he first got it oh wow he just look at that thing man god damn that's pretty. That's so pretty. America knew how to do shit back then, Red Band. I think it's getting more exciting now, honestly, with cars. I love it. Oh, for sure. Yeah. New stuff.

For sure, with cars. Cars are the most exciting now. Are you going to get one of those, what's it called? Cybertrucks? No, no, no, no. The gas, the Ford Bronco. No. Yeah.

I have a real Bronco. I have a real Bronco. I have a 1972 Bronco. Yeah. Those are real. Mine's a manual. It doesn't even have good brakes. There's a thing about Broncos. Like those old Broncos, even mine, like I have a Coyote engine in it.

It's like a – it's an Icon. So Jonathan Ward makes it. They take an eight- So Jonathan Ward makes it. It's a, they take a eight cylinder Mustang engine. Like for, if you bought a Mustang GT and they put that in an old Bronco and tweak everything. But it's still not really fast. It's not supposed to be fast. It's just supposed to be interesting. It's like you're driving this thing.

It's like all mechanical and shit. But the new Bronco is not going to be like that. New Bronco is going to be dope. No doubt about it. But it's going to be a different kind of dope. It's going to be like that new bronco is going to be dope no doubt about it but it's going to be a different kind of dope it's going to be like a modern dope what is that again show me what we put it's interesting uh largest cyber truck will be north american ass kicker smaller cyber truck highly likely and to be sent to countries we hate you know why right north american ass kicker the the size of the Cybertruck, like Elon wanted to make it smaller because it's bigger than what an average size garage is, single car garage. Oh.

And so that's the problem. That's why there's probably going to be a smaller one. That is a fucking problem. Yeah. We are gross. We do need things to be as big as humanly possible. If there's a fucking XL Diet Coke, I always get it. I'm like, the regular large is not

enough. I am thirsty. Americans are greedy. We see a bigger truck. If there's a... Samsung has it nailed. They sell you the regular Note, and then you can get the Note Ultra. You've got a laptop in your pocket, boy.

Have you got one of those folds? Did you fall for the fold? The new fold looks pretty badass. It does. There's a new, new one, right? It's just coming out. What do I get next, guys? Just keep with your iPhone.

The thing about iPhones is, here's the thing. When you have... Wait, the new one's about to be released. When you try the two different platforms, the iPhone got way ahead of everybody with two things. One, AirDrop. AirDrop is so important. If you make a funny video of something, you see something, I'm like, oh my God, send me that.

I get it instantly. Bluetooth. It's fast. It's fast as fuck. Yeah, I'll send like gigabyte files to my girlfriend to edit and stuff like that. And it's like 15 seconds. Also, when I send you pictures, if they come through iMessage, they're better quality.

They're better resolution. There's like a lot of things that you get used to. You get come through iMessage, they're better quality. They're better resolution. There's a lot of things that you get used to. You get used to iMessage. You get used to the fact you could answer a message from your laptop if you had a Mac laptop. That's key. There's a lot of shit. Also, buying things with one click.

Apple Pay. Yeah, Apple Pay's the shit. The shit. When you go to a supermarket, you just pay with your phone. I've been using that the whole time. Look at yourself. Do it on your... Pay for your groceries.

It takes three seconds. Your watch can do it, too. I just do the watch. You feel like you're in the future. I totally... If I can pay for things with my phone, I feel like I'm in the future. I love it. And you're not touching shit and getting corona and crap.

I remember Dana White told me about that in 2005. Like, bro, in Japan, their phones, they pay for shit with their phones. I was like, what? Like, what? Like, yeah, they go through things. They pay for japan their phones they pay for with their phones i was like what like what like yeah they go through things they pay for things with their phones they're so far ahead of us now here we are joey diaz what the happened to you i'm just thinking about i don't like i don't like that much information now throw me that lighter like i don't like that much information i wouldn't want to keep yeah but that's what you said when email first came out or buying on Amazon. Or voicemails.

Or voicemails. Remember when he would get mad at you if you left a fucking voice? Don't you fucking text message me, Joe Rogan. Nobody fucking voicemails me no more. But the text messages, you would get so mad. Remember? He still does, kind of. I just erase them.

If you're still text messaging me, like it depends what day, but there's just people I just erase. Like I don't even look at the message. If I don't recognize the number, you just get erased. The problem is you're awesome. So there's a lot of people that want to talk to you. And send you cool pictures. No. If you want to talk to me, if you know problem. And send you cool pictures. No. If you want to call me, if you want to talk to me,

if you know me that well, you'll fucking call me. I don't want to text with nobody. I feel like the thing that everybody worries about is using their phone too much. That's almost the number one thing everybody worries about.

Because if you didn't worry about using your phone too much, you'd say, oh, I just need something I can text with and answer emails. And occasionally look up something on Google.

Right? That's it but you're addicted to your goddamn phone so you're gonna be instagramming and snapchatting and tiktok and none of that shit i don't do any you don't tiktok fuck no it's against the law bitch joe you should tiktok you're missing a whole corner of your market. Do you TikTok? Don't I? No, I've never TikToked.

But I'm saying you should TikTok. Listen, I'm just a manager here. My first TikTok video. I'm not trying to play quarterback. I'm trying to manage this team. Joey, TikTok. No, it's against the law. You with fucking...

Let me tell you something. There was a moment in the main room. I don't know if you remember this, but this was many years ago. We're talking about 2001 maybe, maybe around then, maybe 2000. There was no one in the main room. You're on stage, and you had Danny play Black Sabbath, War Pig. And I took my shirt off. Do you remember that?

Yeah. Do you remember? You had Danny play War Pig, and you took your shirt off. That was 15 fucking years ago. And you were singing into the microphone, and we were like, yes! Because it was so... There was no audience. No, there was 10 people.

Yeah. There was 10 people, but there was also 10 comedians. So there was 20 people in the audience in the main room. 10 of them were just audience members. And then Joey's on stage. He gets the spotlight on him. And he's fucking singing at the top. Not lip syncing. He's fucking singing at the top of his lungs to War Pigs.

And we're all like, yes! It was what the comedy store is. It was the madness. It was sink or swim. It was chaos. It was there's ten people in the audience. What are you going to do, Jose Dia audience. What are you gonna do Jose Diaz? What are you gonna do?

You took your fucking shirt off and you started singing into the microphone Full clip and we were cheering the audience was cheering because we recognized that you did something fun You did something special you took a moment a fucking 1245 spot in the main room on whatever night it was I don't remember it was was only weekends back in those days the main room was only open on weekends Tuesdays, Fridays and Saturdays so it had to be

it was most likely Friday or Saturday but it was late, everybody was gone and you just took control of this moment in this way that I'm never going to forget because it was positive it was exciting and it made me realize what part of what live comedy is. It's not just like set up, punchline.

No, it isn't. There's moments where you capture these moments. You just knew how to grab a hold of that fucking wave and ride it. You were just hanging that wave of love. You were just riding it. I've been obsessed, especially when I started watching YouTube. Why YouTube? I got into comedy, and I followed comedy.

But then I looked at it differently. When YouTube hit, I started studying singers. I started studying singers to really learn how to really get my message across. So I started with Robert Plant. Nobody gets the message across like Robert Plant when he's singing Since I've Been Loving You. Okay, you have to study the great singers. I studied the singer from Bad Company, his body movements. Then I studied the singer from Leonard Skinner.

So I copied. I stole Leonard Skinner's, that dude, whatever his name was. When you see Joey Diaz on stage, I'm just faking it. I stole Leonard Skinner's singer's persona on stage. The persona is that walk that he makes in Oakland in 77. The walk of James Brown onto Africa with the cape. They took the cape off. Me and you laughed about it.

Yes, yes. Once you take that side of music and you mix it with what we're trying to do and implement it at the comedy store is when your life really explodes as a comedian. Tennyson touched into it. This Oakland Coliseum? You touched into it, yes. Look at him. That show's amazing. He doesn't give a fuck.

You cannot give a fuck. So I studied what, you know, just a couple of singers have this Joe Rogan that you could tell what they're singing about by looking at their body. Robert Plant, Since I've Been Loving You, Live from the Garden, his fucking body language is superb. Nobody's body language was better on stage than fucking Robert Plant. Mick Jagger did his thing. But selling you what three guys behind you

are playing is a gift that I also wanted it to happen to. That's why I kind of liked Josh's idea. If you didn't do it, you missed out as a comic. Can you imagine what would have happened? I said no to it for months, and I did it. It was the worst anxiety attack I ever got,

but it was worth doing it one time, Joe Rogan. What were you going to say? I was going to say, no, can you imagine if Leonard Skinner didn't crash in that plane? We would have had a complete different world today the outlaws would have been huge because leonard skinner was already blowing ted nugent out of the water on tour on that tour it was well known those those songs were so good i know a little i know a little about love maybe i can guess the rest you have have no idea. You have no idea.

Dude, to this day, man, when I do my kickboxing workouts, nine out of ten times, I put on a Leonard Skinner. It gets you angry. Yeah, I put on a playlist. But it's just, they weren't supposed to be that good. They're from Florida. They were. For real.

That's the story of Leonard Skinner. They're not supposed to be that good. Ronnie Van Zandt, all those guys, they're from Florida. They were powerful, dog. Bro, in a weird way. In a weird way. They would rehearse their riffs, right? Eddie Bravo was explaining to me the difference.

Some people have riffs where they just go off. Some guys just shred. And some guys have riffs where the whole riff is like this really calculated solo. It's not as simple as like a guy just fucking... For the crowd.

No, this guy has got a whole... When they did... If they did Freebird, that one guitar solo from Freebird... You gotta watch it to just kill youbird might be the greatest guitar solo of all time. It was so polished because it's a crazy solo. Because they did that solo over and over and over and over and over again. Fuck, it was good, man.

When he hits the leap, when he leaps in the air and slams down on the guitar. This kid here is a bad motherfucker. Look at him. But you know who else had the flavor? The Allman Brothers. Fuck yeah, they did. With Dickie Betts and motherfucking Allman. But this here is beautiful.

I study this. I study him. Look at him. He's not even, he just spit. He just fucking spit. Joey, every time I used to have to do Kevin and Bean, I would do Kevin and Bean a lot. There was only like LA radio station that I would do.

You'd have to get up really early in the morning if you wanted to get there by seven. So I'd have to leave my house like five in the morning. So it was like fucking dark out, right? And I would smoke a joint in my driveway and I would play Midnight Rider. I played the Allman Brothers' Midnight Rider. Fuck. Yeah, I got to see played Allman Brothers' Midnight Rider. Fuck.

Yeah, I got to see Allman Brothers a few times. Did you really? Yeah. Where? Columbus, Ohio. God damn. What were they doing? They used to do a tour with, I believe,

like Blues Traveler or somebody like that, and there was a few of those jam band type bands. I forget what the tour used to be called. Dude, we had Rob L low here on the other day i saw that i didn't watch the whole podcast it was amazing but it made me stop and think about some of the shit that i forgot that was awesome you know when you're hanging out with someone like rob low you start thinking about other shit that was awesome back when you know you first found out about him yeah he's amazing it's a nice fucking guy man austin powers that was yes he's a but he's like a really nice guy in real life like you meet him like he's everything you would hope he'd be he's like

really charming really smart he's good on instagram too like his live little videos and stuff he makes he's super legit he's a good guy like a really guy. I'm happy to know him. It was fun talking to him. But at a certain point in time when you're talking to someone that's that famous, it does weird you out. You're like, you're Rob Lowe. Like, this is so weird. You just feel so strange. So I said, dog, we're leaving?

Yeah, I think we have to. This is the thing. Is any Bravo staying? I don't know. He'll come? Yeah, I think we have to. This is the thing. Is any Bravo staying? I don't know. He'll come. Well, I'll get out of here. There's the tax thing. There's the crime thing. There's the looting thing.

There's the no ability to work for too many people thing. No school. The restriction. Queso. The restriction barbecue. Shout out to Hogley Wogley's in Van Nuys, though. You ever eat at Hogley Woglies and Van Nuys, though. You ever eat at Hogley Woglies? Fuck yeah, we do many a time.

Yeah, they can hang with anybody on the planet. I don't give a fuck what anybody says. I've eaten amazing barbecue in Austin and Houston and Dallas and Nashville. They have great barbecue, don't get me wrong. But Hogley Woglies and Van Nuys can hang with all them bitches. People just don't know that's an old school joint that place has been around forever that's that nasty strip club i had to shoot a movie there one night i was so embarrassed there's a bunch of nasty

budget there one night what's up with you why are you giving me weird looks all night today well you don't love me no more what no i was just thinking of barbecue and strip clubs oh okay you know what they're doing now because the massage parters and everything's closed and strip clubs and stuff they're having airbnb sex parties i guess that's the new thing oh great that's where the spikes coming from i thought about you two weeks ago when i went toS, and I saw a white guy and a hot African-American chick having an argument outside of CVS at 9.20 in the morning. He was a little chubby, and they were having some type of loud discussion.

I went and I got my medication. When I walked out, he's yelling at her, I want my wallet back, you fucking bitch. Why did you think of me? Because you always tell me about all those dirty bitches up in Van Nuys and shit. So this is how bad

it is where I live now. So this is my CVS. This is the main one I've been going to for 10 years. And all of a sudden when I walk out, I walk towards my car, but I hear him go, I want my fucking wallet back, you fucking bitch.

And she's like, I didn't take your wallet. And what are you gonna do, call the police? And tell them what? I sucked your dick, is that not a wedding ring around your hand? Ah! And he goes, bitch, I don't give a fuck if it's a wedding ring, give me my fucking wallet.

And he hauls off and smacks the decks like fucking name a knockout in the UFC. This is way better than anything you've ever seen. The fucking pimp was down the block. He took off on his fucking car. The wallet fell out of her bra. People ran to him. Me, I didn't have a piece so I got in

my car and took off because there was a lot of shooting in North Hollywood lately. Two days fucking later I'm at the office. I go, let me go check on the office, get some shit out of there. I go down the block. I go down fucking whatever, and I hook on Lancashire. I'm stuck by the train station. I'm the third car in the inside lane.

So I'm going south down Lancashire. Okay, I'm about to hit Magnolia, the federal, all that stuff. But I'm sitting right there crossing the train station. And all of a sudden, out of the left of my eye, I see this commotion. And I see this woman looking up. And all of a sudden, I see an axe handle or something hit her and she goes down into the street and it's a white guy with a vest on just hitting people with axe handles and they're going down one by one. Jesus Christ. And all of a sudden I see a chubby guy running across the street and fucking he starts chasing

the chubby guy. Traffic is beeping. Beep, beep, beep. It's 3.30 in the afternoon. And all of a sudden I go, this is my chance to be a fucking hero. I hook a U-turn and I'm going to shoot down the street

and catch him at the end and hit him with my car. It's been years since I hit a motherfucker with my car. When I get to the corner, I hit the fucking left. The guy sees me. He dropped the axe handle already.

He sees me and he runs left instead of right. If he would have ran right, I would have just hit him with the car and kept going. It would have been an accident. I didn't see him. He committed a crime. He dropped the axe handle and the guy was on the floor. And his head was bleeding. And then the guy ran back to the train station to get some more.

What is happening? That's why I'm leaving, dog. Fucking Lancashire, man. Lancashire is fucking nuts. My girl calls me. My dog, she's married. She's my buddy. She's like, I had a rough day on the set.

Can I talk to you? I go, I'll meet you behind the wire like I usually meet you. Let's smoke a number. We socially distance. She sits in her car and I sit in my car and she tells me about a day on the set and it's 10 after nine because I got to catch it before Mercy goes to sleep. So I meet her like a

quarter to nine. We're talking and all of a sudden you hear, bah, bah, bah. And then you hear, bah, bah, right behind them. We're like, did you fucking you hear that that was right on the corner i go home my wife goes thank god you're home she goes it's all over the place there was a shooting at magnolia lancashire she goes to drive by and then the guy they shot at shot twice that chicken place is there there's a chicken place hot chicken hot chicken hot james hot chicken yeah dog it's not bueno by me, dog. It's not bueno by a lot of people. It's not bueno.

So the axe handle just came out of nowhere and hit this lady in the head? I was sitting there minding my own business. This guy came out and started hitting people with an axe handle. So it's not bueno. You're seeing more. I go to Burbank a lot, and I go down Magnolia. They've been saying that about New York, too. Random people get sucker punched.

New York and Chicago are both really bad right now. Valley Village Park, a guy was walking his dog at 2 in the morning. Four identified men jumped out of a car and threw a beating on him. You know, we just were. For no reason. I don't want what's in Seattle and Portland to come down here and catch. My wife had to go downtown the other day to send money and she goes downtown

and it's just horrible. It's already horrible to begin with but it's a nightmare now. You have stayed up here and up there. Your final conclusion is to get in the car one day next week. I've told you. And just go say your goodbyes to the con.

You start by yourself. You don't have to bring nobody. Put your hand on the wall. Make a left on La Cienega and then pick a street and make a left so you can make another left to get on the 101 and make a mental projection of when this will come back. But you know what? Everybody wanted the zombie apocalypse.

You got it, bitch. You know what I'm saying? You want everybody, I'm a zombie. It's pretty close. Well, everybody wanted society to burn. So many people wanted society to burn. I just don't think they expected it to burn this way.

They just didn't want the current system to be in place. They wanted a more equitable system. But this is what happens when there's a breakdown. When there's a breakdown, we go back to who we were just a few thousand years ago. This is why it's so important for civilization to be maintained. It's not just because, you know, it helps rich people protect their money

and helps people feel safe. It helps rich people protect their money and helps people feel safe. It helps everybody grow. You're in a bad state if you've got violence everywhere because people can adapt to whatever state they're in. If they just become accustomed to having violence all the time everywhere, it's going to be a much more dangerous place with the same people, same people living in it, and two years later it's a far more dangerous place. That's, for whatever reason, whatever causes people to lean one way or another like that, that's not a good sign. That's a sign of a very shaky civilization.

And I think that we can lean one way or the other here. We can either lean to where we fight more and there's more violence and more chaos, more destruction, more people angry. Or if we can calm the fuck down and figure out a way to work through shit together as human beings. We're the same people that lived in this planet two years ago when everything was amazing. We're the same people. Yeah, there was always problems on this planet. But when here you are two years later, it's the same human beings. We're just confronted with a problem we didn't expect, and we didn't do a good job hitting

it. We fucked it up. We have to figure with a problem we didn't expect, and we didn't do a good job hitting it. And we fucked it up. And we have to figure out how to do it right. But we have to also figure out how to maintain the goddamn economy. You have to have both. You can't just have one thing. You have to figure out a way where people can work in a safe way. It's possible. It's got to be possible.

What would you do different than Garcetti or Gavin Newsom? I am a moron. What would you do different? I'm not the guy that you would come to that's going to tell you how to run a city. But I would say you have to realize there's a ratio. And there's a ratio of like, if people hit a certain amount of poverty and despair, they will to COVID. If they hit a certain amount of despair and unemployment, there's a statistic. You could actually find out. They've done studies. You see it's a correlation between the amount of suicides,

the amount of drug addicts, the amount of people who commit crime. They're all connected. People have no choice. They have no way out. And that's what a lot of this is. So they focused on one kind of life loss, and that's the life loss loss of the disease. But they didn't focus on the life loss loss to the economy collapsing or to people being unable to pay for their bills and get depressed or suicidal or drug addicts. They didn't factor that, too. You have to factor all that shit in. They didn't do that. They only factored the

one thing which was you don't want people to die of the disease how do we make sure that the hospitals aren't overstaffed how how do we make sure that people can can war or overloaded rather how do we make sure that people can work safely and they didn't do a good job of that but nobody did nobody in america did never were prepared for something like this. They weren't prepared. They had no idea. How could they? We were not prepared. And that's why you can't point a finger at anybody.

And I'm not apologizing for them either. Because there's probably somebody like Bill Gates or someone like that who saw it coming a while ago. And he would have done a much better job if you put him in charge of setting something like that up and protecting people from pandemics. And this is how much money you need to hit any sort of problem if it happens. If you don't, you're not going to be able to contain it. If you don't contain it, it's going to spread. You're like, this is an investment that you have to make. If you laid it out to people in that way, who fucking knows, man? That shit might work.

It might have worked. They might have been able to, if not prevent this, maybe slow it down. But even New Zealand just has new cases. New Zealand had no cases for 100 days, and now they have cases. Really? I just read they didn't. I believe it's today. I believe today they found some new cases. Still.

This shit is crazy contagious. It's crazy contagious. It's weird. You know what I mean? See it? Four new cases. Shout out to Dana White for the bubble. On one house, I guess.

He came up with it. How'd they get there? The NBA's working on it. No, I don't think football's going to work. It's crazy. And that's going to devastate the colleges. Who ever would have saw this coming seven months ago? Nobody.

Nobody saw this coming. Crazy. Nobody saw this coming. Everyone's so tense. Have you noticed? Everyone's so tense. It's a huge I'll be sure. Everyone's so tense. Have you noticed? Everyone's so tense. It's a huge reset though. It's going to be interesting to see what's on the other side of this reset.

It might be more positive, it might be not. I feel like whenever things are really bad, like with riots or with looting or with craziness, I feel like at the under end the other end of it people usually take a deep breath and they try to figure out okay what's the solution it's getting through the crazy part when people want to smash windows and burn things and you get if we can get through that and get to the point where rational people from both sides are talking the problem is a lot of other people have jumped in that aren't rational, and they want it all to burn down.

And their life's not so great anyway, so they'd be happy to set this federal building on fire. Fuck you, my dad hates me, fuck you. There's a lot of that out there. You've got to be real careful with who you give a license to light a building on fire. Who are they doing it on behalf? Is that the wisest way to handle our resources?

Would it be better if we just, like, chanted, sang songs, maybe, like, stated our argument? No. So many people want to light things on fire. Why? Because they become a part of any, like, if you have a legitimate cause that's a really good cause, but a bunch of idiots jump in and they start fucking it up, like, That's what happens with people. If you just

have a cause where anybody can join, and it's one of the most pivotal things, and it's on the news every day, and everyone every day is fixated on it, of course you're going to get attention whores in there. There's attention whores in every single walk of life. You're going to get

attention whores as activists. There's going to be some activists that ruin it for all the other ones. The other ones that are out there really just want things to change. They're really tired of people getting shot by cops. They're really tired of injustice. They really are. And then there's people that are crazy. They want to hit people with bike locks

and light buildings on fire. They're there too. That's a problem. The problem is we're all individuals. Whenever we jump into groups like that based on some sort of ideology, there's going to be people on your team that you're not going to agree with. You're stuck with their decisions. You're stuck with what they do.

And then everybody thinks they're fucking heels in. Everybody wants to be the left wing or right wing. You're the winner against us. You're red or blue. Come on, son. It's like message board 101. It's dumb. There's always a couple people you're like message board 101 it's dumb there's always a couple people you're like all right it's dumb there should be no president there should be a bunch of people that are in charge of different jobs it should be like the president of finance the president of war

the president of agriculture the president of the environment someone who only knows that one discipline you think trump really has any idea what the fuck they're doing they're fracking of agriculture, the president of the environment, someone who only knows that one discipline. You think Trump really has any idea what the fuck they're doing when they're fracking? Do you think he's paying attention to what happens to people's water wells, their toilet bowls on fire, no one knows why? Come on, man. Can you imagine if you lived in one of those fracking places and you took a shit and it was awful, so you lit a match and you threw it into your bowl hoping you know you would like kill some of the smell of your horrible and then the match hits the bowl and lights on fire because your water's flammable

because they're fracking that's real that's totally possible do you think trump knows about that there's no way he knows about that he's got a hundred different hotels with his name on them they have have giant gold letters like, that's what I like. That's what I'm looking for. He's not paying attention to what's happening to people that are fracking. He has no interest. No one can. You can only think of so many things, man.

Is fracking what caused that earthquake in North Carolina? Bro, it's causing earthquakes everywhere. The number of earthquakes since fracking, before I talk shit, what's the front? Use bro science. Fracking? Let's find out. What percentage of increase in earthquake activity?

What is it? Pretty much drilling for oil, pretty much. Right? Yeah. Yeah, it's basically they're drilling into, it's a more complicated way of drilling, but through this they've liberated so much oil that we're not as dependent i don't know if we are dependent anymore on international oil

they've been able to suck a lot of it out of the ground but for people that live there it's horrific there's a guy named is it josh fox who has that book gas land or a documentary gas land i believe that's his name. He's been on here before. What's that? There's an article about it, which this is from Inside Science from maybe a year. What does that say there?

Were you highlighted? I didn't highlight it. It's just weirdly highlighted already. Oh, even in Western Canada, only about one in 300 fracking operations causes earthquakes. Oh, no big deal. 300 fracking hours.

Not enough for a person to feel. In North America at the moment, imagine how funny that is. Hey, no big deal. 300 for a person to feel in North America at the moment. Imagine how funny that is. Hey, man, seriously, we only cause one earthquake for every 300. We're changing the earth. Only one out of they don't tell you how many fracking operations

they have. What if they have like 300 a day across 3000 different holes in the ground? It seems like that makes actual sense. It's probably something high like that. Yeah, dude. You know, people have these ranches out in these places, and then they have these things set up on these ranches where they'll frack and dig into the ground.

And good luck if you have, like, a water source that's connected to that, apparently. And sometimes the gas gets out of the ground. It fucks up the air quality. Oof. Bro, that gets dark. They aren't just small quakes. Although fracturing-related earthquakes are chronic, they were thought to be minor, but new research is showing they can be quite large and damaging.

The focus of the study, a 5.7-magnitude quake near Prague, Oklahoma, damaged 14 homes and other structures in the area. Imagine you're in Prague, Oklahoma. You're like, at least I can just sit on the porch and relax. We're away from most folks. And these fracking motherfuckers, they chewed up the ground under your house. Like the government has to decide like how deep under your house is it still your house. The government has to decide how deep under your house is it still your house. If you buy a plot of land

and they drink your milkshake, you remember that? From that movie, Let There Be Blood? He's like, I drank your milkshake! Do you remember that? You remember what I'm talking about? Dude. Do you remember? When am I going to see you again?

You're going to see me anytime you want. All right. Anytime. Let's make scheduled times when we see each other. You're going to do a comedy club down there and a podcast? Most likely. I'm definitely going to do a podcast. Most likely I'm going to do a comedy club there, too.

Why not? It'll be fun for all of us. What are you going to do? You're going to have your first winner, and you're going to be like, Why the fuck am I here? So this is Daniel Day- lewis explaining to this guy how he drinks his milkshake he's explaining to this guy how he puts his pipes underneath this dude's land and he drinks his milkshake and nothing you can do about it it's like it's weird there's a number you know i don't know how far under your house

Ten thousand dollars cash in hand Yeah, play it. We got that motion plus shit still on your TVs guys that setting that makes it look like a soap opera Does it yeah both of your TVs have that where it stabilizes the shake of a natural camera. So now it looks like a soap opera. YouTube? On YouTube? No, your TV settings on both of these TVs have your Motion Plus turned on. Do you notice that?

No, I never really watch videos. Yeah. It looks normal to me. Really? It looks like a soap opera to you? Yeah. It's got that creepy look where it looks like there's no jiggle in the camera and everyone it's like there's just tripods everywhere Yeah, I Would have never noticed you didn't point it out

I know what you're talking about, but I don't see it. Oh, I see huh? Interesting hate it so much. That is the nerdiest video talk It's one of the worst things ever man. It drives me crazy. I hate it so much even notice it It's one of the worst things ever man. It drives me crazy. I hate it so much even notice it It's like you know how most TV shows have like a little like like you're holding a camera like a realistic kind of like breathing of Somebody filming it right when the motion plus fixes all that it makes it so it looks like it's just on a tripod and somebody Hit record in the recording somebody sitting there. It's not the soap opera effect So it just looks like a cheap camera most TVs have it turned on to begin with because TV companies think that looks better and people want that but when I see it I get panicky no shit

that's so weird I've never even heard of that or I mean I have heard of it but I never thought of it Auto motion plus is a motion smoothing feature that eliminates ghosting and blurring that occurs from fast-moving images. So it's great on live TV like sporting events or parades, which are filmed at 30 frames per second. That's from Samsung saying that bullshit. Maybe it's just better for sports, though. Maybe it actually is better for sports. I mean, because most sports are not handheld.

You know, it's like overhead stuff. But does it affect how it looks when things are moving fast like if people are sprinting or something probably because it's it's it's it's not there's no jiggle to it you know but it already doesn't have jiggle to begin with so it's sure so would it be better to do it that way with movies but the way with the emotions with like fights and things like that fights probably not, but football and baseball or something like that. Something that's stationary cameras for the most part. I didn't know that.

You know that? Kid's a goddamn video dork. Let me ask you something. Ask me. You calling the fights this week? Yes, I am. All right. I'm very excited.

Vegas? Yeah. The bubble? Yeah. This is a crazy fight, man. The trilogy. Daniel Cormier and Stipe Miocic. So you get tested Friday and then?

Well, I got tested today. Is that Curtis? And I'm going to get tested again probably like I'll test myself on Thursday too. Taking a shitload of vitamins. I don't want to miss this. Vitamin D. Yeah. Hitting that sauna.

Keeping away from people. Wearing a mask. That's a big fight, keeping away from people, wearing a mask. That's a big fight, man. It's a real big fight. Hey, when you get those hot sauna things, do you have somebody babysitting you on the outside just to be like, hey, check on me every 10 minutes? Are you scared of passing out or something like that? Is that a thing? Who are you talking to? No?

All right. Who are you talking to? That's what I worry about. My will is too strong. You're going to be hallucinating. Next thing you're going to wake up, you're going to be bacon. No, it's not that bad, dude. 180 degrees, legitimately it sounds hot.

But once you get accustomed to it, because I've been doing it for months and months. Like I started out, I would do like 150 or 160, 170. And then I went too high. I got way over like 220. I was in like the 220s. It was too hot. I was cooking. I'd come out and my throat would hurt.

I'm like, that's stupid. Laird Hamilton's a freak of nature. I don't know what the fuck's flowing through that guy's veins. He's got some fucking mercury flowing through his veins. But then I got to about 180. 180 is like tolerable, but it's a struggle. Like if you do 180 for a half an hour, ooh, those last five minutes are rough.

You want to get the fuck out of there. Like it's you do 180 for a half an hour, ooh, those last five minutes are rough. You want to get the fuck out of there. Like, it's a little dance with your mind. You know, you're telling your body who the fuck is in charge here. Sit down and just deal with it. Just breathe in. You have five minutes. How are you going to get through this? You're going to get through it through breathing. You want to listen to a book. Just sit the fuck down

and deal with it. It's good. I like it. That guy, he's a freak. Laird Hamilton wears oven mitts and he cranks that shit up to 250 degrees and rides an airdyne bike. Jesus. I miss smell. Bro, he smells awesome.

He smells like success. He smells like a fucking man. Yeah, he's a freak. Crazy surfer, man. Like some of the surfing shit, you watch him. And he's just dedicated to like continuing that lifestyle, keeping his body fit like deep into his 50s. I think he's like 55.

Dude's a savage. Going hard out there in his 250-degree sauna with a fucking airdyne bike inside of it. Very unusual dude, man. I mean, you got to be someone really special. Your number one thing that you love to do is ride 100-foot waves. Number one thing you want to do is balance on the fucking tip of the ferocious nature of the ocean.

You're balancing on the waves themselves. You're inside the mouth of the most ferocious aspect of the ocean. You're balancing on the waves themselves. You're inside the mouth of the most ferocious aspect of the ocean, the biggest waves, before they break on the shore. Guys like him, like, look at this, man. You have to be a crazy person to want to do that. Look at that.

That's amazing. I just want to get back on fucking stage. I know. I know. I don't want to get back on fucking stage. I know. All right, man? I know. I don't want to do a line of coke. Put those headphones on so you can hear yourself. I don't want to fucking do a show in a parking lot and then not do comedy for another four months.

That's like showing up with a line of coke and leaving me alone. Yeah. Fuck you. I'm ready to start from scratch. and leaving me alone. Yeah. Fuck you. I'm ready to start from scratch.

I'm excited to do some Bob Gonzo shows and just fucking, just do some creepy shit again. And then fucking work myself up to 30. Get the endurance. It'll take a little while. I'm not going to lie to you. We're all going to be a little fucking rusty. Do you have any recordings?

Old ones. You should record your shows on your phone from now on. It's not hard. It's really easy. That's great. That way you can always go back and you always know your material. It helps. It's so important.

What I was thinking five months ago and what I'm thinking now is completely different. Oh, yeah, for sure. But what I'm saying is you'll have bits. You'll have your bits. You have whatever you're thinking now, too. I don't ever want to say those bits again. They're done. Whatever I was saying in February is history.

But you didn't record it. You've got to record it. Who gives a fuck? I do. It's what I feel from now on. You've got to save it. We've got to talk about what's going on now. What happened the last five months?

The breakdowns. What happened? Something had now. What happened the last five months? The breakdowns. What happened? Something had to happen to you the last five months. You're going to come back with some old bit. I'm going to come back with gay Bob as my neighbor. What kind of comic would I be? That's what the problem with comedy is. I can't wait to watch a guy like you.

You know who's going to light that stage on fire first? Who? Bill Burr. Bill Burr's at home with a new kid, four months. You're never going to see anything like that the first time. Oh, I can't wait to hear him talking about Pee Weets. You're not going to fucking, nobody's going to go to Bill Burr out right now. He's at home with two kids, first time, hasn't done dick, whatever, great guy, playing the drums in his basement.

He's going to come at this with a complete different outlook. He's going to attack somebody. You know somebody's going to go down hard. There's guys that you know. A lot of people are going down hard. Yeah. We're going to go out there like fucking gangbusters. When do you think it's going to happen?

April. That's what I would say. April. So they come up with some kind of a vaccine? Right now they're saying January. But they're saying January and they're winking at you. Yeah. By the time everyone gets around getting it and everything, I'd say April also.

Do you guys think they should let people work? Depends what type of job they're doing. Yeah. If they social distance. You know what? I love, I'm a fat fuck. I don't go there. But the burger joint.

In and out. In and out. They ain't social distancing in that hot. I just out. In and out. Dang social distancing in that. I just ate there the other day. Dang social distancing in those four feet. Do they make people wear masks inside there? Masks and gloves, and they really try their best. But there's jobs that you just cannot.

I went to get my haircut done for that week that it was open. It was the, I thought, the safest I've ever been. You got a mask on, and a shield. I'm talking to hair people right now. Isn't it true that California is the only state, like, is that true? California is the only state that doesn't let hairdressers open? I saw that map, but I don't know. Yeah, is that true, though?

I retweeted that map. I didn't even check. And they said that you can only do it outside. You can't have a sink outside. You can't cut hair and windy outside shit. It's just the windy outside shit. It's so fucked up. And then what happens when it gets dark? You gotta stop? Otherwise you can stay open until 8, 9 at night. And if they try to do it at their house?

They can't do it at their house. Yes, you can. Through a shield. So you have to have your hand through a shield, dip them in the water, and then they spread them and then you have to have the thing. You know, listen, you ain't stopping the Vietnamese in fucking Orange County. They're the ones that built

those tunnels for the Mexicans. They don't fucking stop. Those Vietnamese from Orange County, they're opening shop. They don't give a fuck. What about the dudes in Jersey they threw in jail? We're opening up the gym. They threw them in jail. They're hitting them with some crazy fines, like $15,000 a day. We're opening up the gym. They threw them in jail.

They're hitting them with some crazy fines, like $15,000 a day. They're going to lose their license. It says you can get a haircut outside as of July 20th, 29th. But no one's doing that. Right, but what... And my friends that do hair

out here, they said that they can't even have you come to their house because if they find out, the Hair Association, they'll pull their license. They're not allowed to. The question, though, is California the only state that bans? I know. I tried looking that up. It doesn't. Hmm.

Seems like it is. But then again, right? If you're someone who's fucking, you can make 600 bucks from the government or you can take a risk of getting some disease that might kill you to clean someone's nails yeah but the problem is from what i'm hearing is a lot of people are not getting any checks like they got one big one and then they haven't heard anything for months you can't call anybody you can't get anything so it's like i have to pay rent rent, so what am I going to do? Exactly. Dude, I feel you 100%. I don't have, like, when I look at this, I don't have a clear way out of this.

Because I feel like if everybody just went back to work and wore masks, how much quicker would the disease spread? If people are working like they used to be working, side by side, people just wearing masks, how much would it stop that? I don't know. What does that look like? I mean, is the only reason why there's not a fucking heap more dead bodies because we killed the economy? I don't know, man. I'm too stupid. I like to think that's the reason.

You know, like it seems like that makes sense. My worry is that they like telling people what to do. That's my worry. People like telling people what to do. They love my worry. People like telling people what to do. They love it. Stay inside. Do this. Do that.

Wear a red flag. You know, wear a blue t-shirt. People love getting people to comply with everything. And if all of a sudden they have this power to keep you from working. Did you comply with anything? Well, I didn't have to. Okay. I got lucky.

Neither did I. But a lot of people did. Did I go to parties? No. No. Did I go to the park? No. Do I need to go to. Okay. I got lucky. Neither did I. But a lot of people did. Did I go to parties? No. No. Did I go to the park? No. Do I need to go to a bar?

Not really. Do I need to go to a restaurant? I don't even like fucking sitting next to people before COVID. Okay? So you won't see me in a restaurant until fucking San Junero. You understand me? There's things that, you know, if you're going to stand out here with 40 people for a piece of chicken, you should be shot and hung and then shot again. There's just certain things. You know,

I was very, very, very, very, very, and you know this, upset about the standout. And I pleaded with you not to go to Houston. I called Brendan as a man. I understand the need to need money, but I don't understand the need. There's only one Dave Chappelle. So everybody should stay home and mind their fucking business. Nobody needs to go on the fucking road because by a hitters like you going on the road, we have a little power now. We all stay home. There's COVID. It's time for you to close. People are fucking dying. Where were the rates the highest? Arizona, Texas, Florida. What three comedy

clubs are open? Arizona, Texas, Florida. Listen, I ain't pointing fingers. I'm just giving you a fucking fact, okay? You never pleaded with me to not go to Houston. There was no pleading. No, I told you that Thursday. I said, mind your fucking business and stay the fuck home.

This is what you said, Joe Rogan, why are you going to Texas? Why are you going to Texas? I want to go comedy. It's only 50% capacity. No comedy. You wear a mask. You come in. You sneak in.

And then how'd you call me on Monday? Nervous. I'm not going back on the road no more. I didn't say it like that. Yes, you did. Talk to that guy. I canceled the rest of my tour. This is terrible.

I just got a blood test. I got my knees checked. Once Brendan and fucking the other guy got it, that set you off a little bit. Oh, it did. And you have children and you have a wife and you have responsibilities. Well, here's the big thing. And you have to ask and you have responsibilities. Well, here's the big thing. And you have to ask yourself. Guests, if I got you sick or you sick or Jamie sick or anybody working here, that would be.

Oh, please. I thought you could do it. I'm like, if the health department says you can do it and they social distance and you wear a mask and you could do it. But then I got there. I'm like, you probably can. wear a mask, and you can do it. But then I got there, I'm like, you probably can.

You probably can like four out of five times or eight out of ten times or 12 out of 15 times. But it's going to get you. It's going to get you. If you're in these large groups of people and everybody's laughing, like what is better at spraying a disease than screaming? You know what, Joe Rogan? Part of this game is taking a picture with people and answering a question, you know? It took away that alienation of it.

So I'm done there. I'm done there. I don't want six people in the green room. I don't need the waitress coming in. I don't need the guy coming in. How much time do you want to do the music guy? I don't need any of that. They're finding out now.

We're doing all this stuff. We're doing all this stuff by the book. I won't do it. I'll do it at certain places. But even by the book needs to be examined. What by the book is. By the book is I'm going to sit in my fucking car three feet from the fucking door. When I'm three minutes to go up, you knock on the fucking door.

I go in, I do the comedy, and I go back in my fucking car in between shows and I take a ride. Then I come back at 1040 when everybody's seated and you do it again. You can't go in the fucking green room because anything after three

or four people, we got it. It's like going all fucking orgy. You got it. So now you're going to go out there. I don't know about you, but when I fucking, you know, when I was a kid people told me, Joey, give me the news not the weather. I spit when I talk. So I don't want nobody

10 feet. It's really 30 feet if you really think about the distance. 30.3. 30 feet. Something fucking crazy. Look at my fucking lungs.3. 30 feet. Is that real? Something fucking crazy. Look at my fucking lungs. Look at my stomach. When I get excited

and I'm fucking yelling, I'm doing a fucking bit. There's pieces of meat coming out of me. The other day, that dentist drilled my teeth. Do you know what I smelt? What?

Do you know what I smelt in my teeth? Hair. Pubic fucking hairs. What? Fucking the stink in my teeth when they drill. When they drill your mouth and you smell your teeth burning and whatever's stuck in between there. You know, I mean, it's a fucking nightmare.

So I don't even know what we're talking about. This week is strong. Shout out to Joe. I'm talking about that. That's my concern about stand-up comedy. We're all going to get COVID eventually. You're going to get it. We're all going to be strong enough.

We're going to survive. That's okay. My thing is the social uncertainty. The one show where somebody gets up and says, fuck you, and somebody throws a bottle and we have a problem. You know what? We have too much of that going on right now. So for that, I will not go on stage until everybody's settled, everybody's happy, the vibe is better.

Go on. Your salvation right now in isolation is the Internet. And you go on the internet and you get off feeling even worse than what you felt like when you went on it. It's true. You avoid the TV. If you have it in any intelligence level right now, you have to

avoid the TV. And if you throw Don Lemon on or the other fucking cocksucker, it's even fucking worse. Don Lemon, I'll sidekick him in the lung if I see that cocksucker. He pisses me off. And Chris Cuomo crying. What the fuck is wrong with you cocksucker? I used to like

him. Then he started crying and shit like this. They got him. And I had to stop watching all that nonsense. ABC News is not the most watched news. It's a fucking business. It's a business. And they're there to petrify you. Yes. So I turned all that shit off, everything. I'm canceling Facebook pretty much.

This is why I started the Patreon. What you just said is very important. You know. The news is a business. It's a business. They're trying to get you to tune in. Sorry, guy. It's all over.

You know, I'm done. I'm done. If it was up to me, Joe Rogan, I would have moved to Montana, you know. Why didn't you move to Montana? Because. That's the next move. Hold on. I don't know nobody.

Let's just get out of California, detox a little bit, and let's talk. Let's talk. Let's talk. Okay. Let's get a ranch. I say open up a club in Billings. I'm in. That's a theater slash tremendous comedy okay let's call it hmm just for

sorbity knows who we're coming from a mini cult a mini a comedy mini comedy mini call 60 man comedy guys who believe in comedy that can be done bring your wives bring your kids. Montana. Everybody goes to regular schools. Right. But we all abide certain comedy rules. It's a movie. No thieves.

Right. No people fucking up comedy. I want Emilio Estevez to play me. Really? How crazy is that? Emilio Estevez is going to play him, and when the movie came up he was too old for the movie and he used his brother Charlie Charlie Sheen

fucking tremendous that was a tremendous podcast god damn what a good fucking movie that was great just to talk to him there he is handsome bastard she

Emilio Vestaves yeah what are you just playing with your fingers I'm going to have to end this podcast Well I hope you're wrong about April But whenever it is We'll be more appreciative I think

Can an alligator survive Without eating? Yeah for a long time I heard it can never die from starvation Is that real? I don't know I know they know that for sure survive uh without eating yeah for a long time i heard it could never die from starvation is that real i don't know i know they know that for sure crocodiles have gone without eating for a whole year what's with the crocodile question somebody told me that and i can't stop thinking about it it's a solid question because what if they don't starve to death they just shrink right and i also

heard lobsters but i heard that was fake that losters don't starve to death? Lobsters don't have to eat. Oh. Dude. Yeah, that makes sense. Until you shrink, if you don't have enough food, you get down to nothing. Right. And then you're down to one cell. Wow, that's interesting. Bro.

They just shrink with cells. Here it is. They only can be killed by starvation or accidents, it says. Crocodiles have no recognized finite lifespan. or accidents, it says. Crocodiles have no recognized finite lifespan. Instead, they just get bigger and bigger until they're inevitably killed out by starvation, accidents, or disease. This is the reason we don't see crocodiles

the size of Boeing 747s in the wild. So if there was an unlimited amount of food and no disease, if we vaccinated crocodiles and gave them an unlimited amount of food... Then they'd be dinosaurs. They're forever. And no disease. We vaccinated crocodiles and gave them an unlimited amount of food. Then they'd be dinosaurs. They're basically dinosaurs. Didn't we figure that out the other day

that crocodiles are as old as some dinosaurs? Like dinosaurs were like 65 million years ago but crocodiles go back to like 100 million years. Wasn't that what it was? So they're dinosaurs. They're just still around they're just hungry dinosaurs have you seen an alligator in real life yeah it's so confusing

it's like why is it right there and why is everybody not freaking out 80 million years so there you go so that's 15 million years older than when the asteroid hit and killed everything so they're fucking dinosaurs. Dude, I remember seeing one for the first time. It was at Lake Alice. It's in Gainesville, Florida. My dad was going to school in Gainesville. We were down there.

And we went to this lake. You throw marshmallows in the water, and the alligators come and get it. I was like, this is the strangest shit in the world. There's a 10-foot lizard, just ate a marshmallow in front of me, and I'm not even worried about it. Like, when in the world is a fucking giant dinosaur feet in front of you, and you're not freaking out?

Crocodiles were too mean. They became too dangerous, and no one wanted them around. But alligators look like crocodiles, but they're just chill enough that people don't freak out too much if they're around. That was their trick. That's how they stayed alive. They just moved slower. Moved slower and didn't attack as much. But they're fucking everywhere, man.

If you live in Florida, you get alligators in your yard all the time. People want to live in Florida. Like, okay, there's alligators out there. It's like a little baby. Florida video of the day. A baby alligator and a bobcat duking it out. It's kind of going viral, so I can't put it up. Oh, my God. Look at that thing.

Look at that cat. It gets it. Wow. It gets it? Yeah. Oh, for sure it gets it. The big cats and, like, caimans down in the... Oh, my God.

It bites them right in the head. Yeah. But big cats, like caimans that live down in the Everglades... Or not the Everglades. The Amazon. They eat... Big cats like caimans that live down in the Everglades, or not the Everglades, the Amazon, they eat, those leopards eat, or jaguars, they eat crocodiles down there all the time. There's a whole bunch of videos of them. They jump in the water behind crocodiles and bite them in the head.

Cats are the scariest. But a crocodile and an alligator, that's a real live dinosaur, just chilling at your golf course. Congratulations. It's like Godzilla versus Mothra. So what are you going to do for your birthday, dog? Today's my birthday. So what are you going to do? This is my celebration.

This is it? What are you doing with the wife? You going out? You jumping up and down? We'll do something. Yeah, probably like that. Maybe IHOP. IHOP.

Go shit blood for three fucking days. Have you had an i hop burger yeah no they're frozen oh jesus christ bad i hop pancakes i went to that pancake place in burbank what a mistake what which one patty shitty one the one international house of bankers oh yeah that's bad oh my god that is horrific that place is bad. Last time I had a good pancake was a place in Boulder. You got to go get some real pancakes. The ones that are not uniform. I don't like pancakes.

I'm not a big syrup guy. I used to be allergic to syrup. I love pancakes for the five minutes I'm eating them. And then afterwards, I feel like shit for days. I think McGriddle's enough. That's enough of a pancake I want. I love McGriddle. Oh, my God, McGriddle's enough. That's enough of a pancake I want. I love McGriddle. I remember when they first came out, you and Tate Fletcher.

It's so delicious. It's so delicious. You can't help yourself. You don't even care what's made with it. You used to eat the fish sandwiches, you nasty fuck. I still do. Every time I go to McDonald's with my daughter, I'm like, that cocksucker eats fileted fish sandwiches.

I eat two or three of those Filet-O-Fish. You know what your asshole smells like afterward? Not fucking good. Well, don't look at it. But you can't tell me that a McGriddle doesn't taste delicious. Terrible. It's the worst thing I've ever tasted in my life. Have you had one?

When they first came out. It's a delicious combination with the mystery meat and the cheese. Oh, Jesus Christ. And that fake syrupy, spongy bread bun. It's good. I could do a fucking Egg McMuffin if I have to. I like Egg McMuffin. Wendy's Baconator.

I like Egg McMuffins, but if I'm really tired, I'm like, fuck it, I get a McGriddle. I'm like, I don't care. That's a pork? Give it to me. McGriddle? Yeah, you'm like, fuck it, I get a McGriddle. I'm like, I don't care. That's a pork? Give it to me. McGriddle? Yeah, you can get sausage or bacon, right?

You get a bacon McGriddle. Oh, McGriddle, McGriddle. McGriddle, yeah. No, they had that one sandwich that was the rib. McGriddle? And they paint, they spray paint the bone in. Yeah. Is that real?

Oh, yeah. They don't spray paint it. Whatever the fuck. They do something. They have a machine that makes it. They do something to it. That's what I don't understand about the McRib. Why do they ever take it off

the menu if people like it so much? Limited time only because they got to... It comes from Indonesia. It's like a season. It comes via Wuhan with a fucking bat on it. Okay. I was hoping it was like a... They can only buy a large amount of meat.

They can't buy it all that frequent. It's permanent on the menu in Germany. Oh, sure. So head over there. Sure. They don't like manipulation over there. Fising down the menu all year? What are you doing?

You're manipulating people's desires? I don't think so. They don't even allow Scientology in Germany. Good. They won't allow them. They're like, excuse me? What are you saying? You're saying that the guy who writes the science fiction books comes up with the best

religion and you don't want to pay taxes. That might be the worst German accent of all time. There's conspiracies about why it's not on the menu all the time. It's a deep debated topic online for about 10 years. Probably because it fucking kills you. It probably kills you. They probably know that if they give it to people 40 days in a row

they just start dropping dead. So they were like, listen, just give them 20 days of McRib. Problem solved. If they buy 20 days of McRibs and then they if they buy if they buy 20 days of McRibs then they die 36 day there's no way they just connect us once a month I get zapped into going to get a happy meal happy because of the toilet my daughter oh the is wrong with you what is wrong with you I gotta go in there not since the the epidemic. Now we drive.

And they always give her the wrong toy anyway. What's the right toy? The one that they advertise you fuck. Not the one, whatever. I go there trying to get the fucking one. I don't know what the toys are. And then I got an 88 beating all the way up. I didn't know there was a choice.

So two weeks ago I had to go in there with the mask on and go, can I talk to somebody? Listen, there was a choice. So two weeks ago, I had to go in there with the mask on and go, can I talk to somebody? Listen, I got a daughter. The last two times you come in here, you advertised emoji, but you gave them the fucking frog. Why isn't this on TikTok? What the fuck? It is now.

And the manager said, let me help you out. And she gave me the toy I wanted. And my daughter was happy. But the last two times, I even tell them, she's a girl. Sometimes they ask you, is she a boy or is she a girl? She came here for a certain fucking thing, and you gave her something else. That's misrepresentation. Misrepresentation.

So I had to go in there and get fired up. I didn't know they had different ones. Yeah, they tell you, listen, don't ask me. Didn't they try to outlaw those some places? They tried to outlaw giving toys into Happy Meals. Because they're like, no, no tell you. Listen, don't ask me. Didn't they try to outlaw those some places? They tried to outlaw giving toys into Happy Meals because they're like, no, no, no. Kids like them too much. It's forcing kids to eat bad because they want that toy. I give her the apple slices, three of those fries.

Listen, I grew up in a house where I wasn't allowed to eat fast food, only in Miami. My cousins ate it, so my mom didn't allow it. The only thing I was allowed to eat was Don only in Miami. My cousins ate it, so my mom didn't allow it. The only thing I was allowed to eat was Don't Cook Tonight called Chicken Delight. I used to order that. She would say, you're not gonna eat my rice and beans? Not really. And all of a sudden they'd be.

She'd go, I wonder who the fuck that is. It's for me. Don't Cook Tonight called Chicken Delight. Five dollars, three pieces of chicken, some ruffle fries, a little piece of jelly. In those days, I really wanted to be American, so I dipped my french fries in the jelly. That's what my gross

days, when I first came from Cuba, don't cook tonight. Call Chicken Delight. Joey, what is that Cuban place that you took me to, the one that used to be near my house in Encino? The one that's on Ventura? Yeah, they're still there. What's that place called?

I forget. There are three of them. God damn it. I don't go there. I go to El Cochinito. But we ate there once, and I had that garlic chicken with the raw onions. Tremendous. Tremendous.

That's our staple. What is the name of that? Versailles? Versailles. Yes, I knew it. I was just as you were pulling it up. I feel like I saw it first. We're going to go after this or what?

I remember. I'll go there. I'd love that place. Does it show an image of that chicken with raw onions? It's a garlic chicken with raw onions. That's the pork. And he was there with John Jock yesterday. God damn, it's good.

That's it right there. That's it right there with the plantains. Woo! There's something about Latin food, right? Like, there's almost like a, there's a pop to it. Like, there's the spices and shit for Cuban food. Cuban food, like, really, like, spicy Spanish food. There's something about the pop of those ingredients, you know?

With that fucking garlic chicken with the raw onions in that sauce. That's like a lemon sauce that they had, Joey? Yeah. Wasn't it like a lemony garlicky sauce? Like a garlic, yeah, yeah. Garlic lemon. God damn, that was good. Kick in the door, wave in the 4-4.

All you heard was, Papa, don't hit me no more. What's up, dog? Hey, you're touching my hand a lot. Because I love you. I miss you. I haven't seen you in three fucking months. Listen, if we all move to a different place, maybe we'll love each other more and we'll get together in a specific spot. I'm moving to Texas, too, man.

I'm getting the fuck out of Los Angeles. How long till you move? When is your date? I'm going to wait a while. You know, get their feet on. People are really worried about taxes, Joey. I know they are. Because they're talking about raising them up significantly.

And lowering the police and defunding the police from the schools. And trust me, I hear this from my wife every night. I get the fucking idea. Yeah, cutting the education budget. Cutting the education budget. No school all year. It's crazy. Parents don't want to mix and match.

It's tough. I just want a to mix and match. It's tough. I just want a garage and a basement. That's all I need. 23 years, Joe Rogan. I did more than I thought I'd ever do. You know what? I was at the store at a different time than Kennison and Dice, and it was just as magical.

But sometimes I'd rather not be Willie Mays and go play for the Mets. But sometimes I'd rather not be Willie Mays and go play for the Mets. If Willie Mays was smart, he would have gone out with the San Francisco Giants. And that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm not going to do Tom Brady. He just won six championships. Now you want to go to Tampa Bay and do what? There's a time to say goodbye.

She used to say it best. What's that lady we grew up on? It's so nice we've had this time together just to have a laugh or sing a song. I have no idea who this is the worst impression. Carol Burnett. And before you know it, it's the time we have to say so long. Can I ask you this?

Have you adapted well? Are you adapted? To what? To do what? This is normal. This is your new life now. This is life. This is what it is.

Don't stand up. You're doing podcasts. I miss stand up. I miss stand up. I'm pulling the podcast. I'm ending the church the same way. I want to walk out like a man with my feet instead of walking on my knees. I got some ideas.

But my plan right now is to leave, quarantine for 10 days, move into the house, put my daughter in school, shoot a couple days in the Sopranos, and then you and I will talk business.

You and I will talk business. Okay. Montana. You and I will call, and we'll decide what we're going to do. If we go to Montana, Red Band, it's going to be cold as fuck. It's cold as fuck. But we're going to print money.

Brian, you need to learn how to chop wood. I know how to. I ran away from all that life. We go Billings. Mini cult. There's two or three places in Montana that will welcome us with a tax break with the whole thing if we just opened up a comedy club in Montana. People would love to see Brendan Sharpe in Montana.

People would love to see Kiltun. Hawaii is too easy and we've got to fight the alligators. Probably Hawaii is. You couldn't even fly there. Yeah. Right now, if you fly there, you have to wait for two weeks. I think that shit goes to September 1st, doesn't it? Something along those lines.

And I want Montana because it's hard to get there. It's a connecting flight. Utah. Yeah, Montana is a pain in the ass to get to. Utah too. Keith's got a great club down there. Montana is going to weed out the week and it's going to make you stronger. You're going to be a stronger person.

What's Montana's weed laws? Yeah, August 11th. Re? Yeah. August 11th. Reinstated beginning August 11th. Mandatory 14-day quarantine. Has been re- Partial inter-island quarantine reinstated. Okay. Yeah, they're not fucking around in Florida.

Or, excuse me, in Hawaii. They don't want people to get it. Get on the island. Yeah. I mean, it makes sense. Yep. They've got- They can't get away from it.

You know? It's not like- If they catch it on one of those islands and it spreads through the whole fucking island. Should they close borders of every state? That's a good question, man. It's like, what? Listen, per capita right now, Arizona is the worst. Is it? I called the guy I kidnapped the other night to check in with him.

Just to make sure. You know me because I'm a Christian. He's so sweet. I heard he was having a rough time so I called him to see if he needed anything. And he told me he doesn't leave the house because he's got his mom. He takes care of his mom.

So he's in Tucson. He said that per capita it's the worst spot in the world. They got hit. He's very, very scared. Any anywhere there's uh my migrant workers they get hit anywhere there's uh you know people that don't believe in mass they get hit where a lot of like churches people that want to go to church they don't give a they

start singing in church they get hit it's like those are the people that get hit like churches unfortunately people when they say like you can't ban houses of worship like boy that's a tough one because everybody's yelling listen i want to go to church but church is where your heart is anyway yeah so enough with the church is where your heart is but they need to make a solution so i understand you have to go and see and sing and dance but you know what for right now for right what's going on right now, I don't know what's in the Constitution. I don't know what's in the Federation. I don't know.

I'm just saying that for right now, if you want to have the congregation, anything over eight people, you're playing with fire. Anything over six people, you're playing with fire. But even then, unless you know where those people are,

if they're living with you, fine. But if you don't know, they should figure out a way to do it outside. My friend who's a pastor in Ohio does it outside every Sunday. Totally could be done. In a park. Yeah, they can do it. You can do it outside until it gets really cold out.

Yeah, and then you're fucked. It's cold pretty soon. Then you've got to get a bonfire going. Yeah, then it's some wars. Have a Jesus bonfire every Sunday. Yeah, that sucks, right? Standing out there with mittens on, you're eight. Like, fuck this, Dad. Come on.

Wait till the vaccine. Dad, I don't want to go to church by the bonfire. Montana, let's get the fuck out of here. I'm going to miss you. I love you guys. I love you, too. I love you, Red Band. I love you, baby. I love you with all my heart.

You guys came to my wedding. I love you, too, buddy. I love you, baby. We're family here. This doesn't, baby. I love you with all my heart. You guys came to my wedding. I love you, baby. We're family here. This doesn't mean nothing. For real, think about, I mean, I hate to keep us going for a second here, but think about how weird this has been, like, doing these podcasts over these years. It's changed all of our lives.

How weird it is. You just talk into a microphone, just talk shit, and do it over and over and over and over again, and people just enjoy it. What's your new thing going to be after you do the church? What are you going to call it? I do not know yet. I'm thinking of different ideas. Call it the New Testament.

No, I'm going to take your kick. First of all, I'm going to take your thing of using my name. You've always told me to use my name. Absolutely. Use your name. I think it's either going to be Uncle Joey, something with Uncle Joey. Uncle Joey Diaz.

Uncle Joey Power Hour. That's great. I don't know. I don't know what I want to do yet. Let me figure out these steps to the 24th or whatever this shoots. Okay, but whatever you do, here's something you have to do. Go ahead. You have to sell You Know Me Dog shirts. Okay.

Sell the shirts at You Know Me Dog because 9 out of 10 of all the fucking best stories you've ever told me start with You Know Me Dog. There's a You Know Me Dog when the story gets crazy. If you just had a shirt that says You-know-me dog, that would be a gigantic hit. Right?

Guarantee. Absolutely. Do it before those fucking hyenas out there, the people that are going to listen to this. You got a guy who does t-shirts, right? Yeah. Make that motherfucker up a shirt that says you-know-me dog. I guarantee you they'll sell like crazy. And spirits.

Spirits is a good one, too. Spirits with exclamation point. All right. I love you. Listen, I love you guys. Happy birthday. I love both of you guys. Thank you very much.

Bye, everybody. Good one. Me, too. I am about to die.