The Joe Rogan Experience - #1526 - Ali Macofsky

Episode Date: August 15, 2020

Ali Macofsky is an actress, writer, and standup comedian. Checkout her podcast "Resting Bitch" available on Spotify.

Hello, Allie. Hi. Oh, look at you. You fired up the vape? Yeah. Is it the vape? I brought two jewels. So you brought cigarettes, two jewels, and camels.

Coffee and a smoothie. I wasn't sure what to expect. What was your worst case scenario? Oh, my God. Worst case scenario, I pooped my pants right off the bat. Oh, have you done that before? Like when you get nervous? Not when I get nervous, but I used to, well, only once in college.

You pooped your pants yeah i was drinking yeah i was hungover i ate chipotle i ate chipotle pretty much every day in college that's uh not good for your brain not good at all trying to learn yeah actually chipotle like those bowls they are pretty good they're so good like if you get like one of those steak bowls with rice like that's about as clean as you can eat yeah and in college it was nice because you could eat like half of a bowl and be like super full and then eat the other half later and you can do the tricks of getting half steak half chicken or something that way they give you more oh is that a trick i don't think it is a trick i think they have like a scooper they have a scooper

but if you say you want half this and half that they're not going to put half in the scooper they're putting a full scooper in there. And then you're getting a full pooper on the couch in college. Yeah. It's hard to hear about the poop in the pants. It's all right. People are very embarrassed about that, but it does happen if you take chances. I feel like it happens to everyone.

Everyone has a poop story. I hope. If you don't, I feel like you're just not taking enough chances with your diet. No. And it's like, I think everyone's poop story starts out with them being like, oh, I thought I was going to fart. And then it was not a fart. Yeah.

That's in the car. That's when it happens. I was honestly on the drive up here. I had a little bit of gas and I was like, just wait until you're there. Hold it because you don't want to take any risks right now. Yeah. So I, you know, it actually worked out. I let it out.

I've had a podcast. There was a podcast once where I legitimately thought. Do you remember who it was? I legitimately thought I was going to shit my pants. I was like pinching my abs down. I was like crunching myself. I was like, listen, if I don't get out of here right now, I don't know if I'm going to make it. Do you remember who it was?

I don't know. But I might even said it on the air. Yeah, I remember it happening, but I don't remember who was in the i might even set it on the air yeah i remember it happening but i don't remember who was in the room i barely got out it's kind of a nice feeling though i like that like adrenaline rush of like i need to hold like it really tests my skills like cramming for a test yeah like oh my god there's not much time left yeah i i dropped out of college so like i feel like me trying to hold in a poop is the most cramming for a test. I feel like I do.

That is a psychological thing. The cramming thing. They say that some people like procrastinate until they know they just, they have to like, okay, I'm going to stay up all night. I'm a procrastinator. Yeah. Always. Most comics are.

You think so? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think there's something, look, we're all broken. We're all broken toys. I think there's something, look, we're all broken. We're all broken toys.

And most comics, there's something about like the laziness and the nonconformity and, you know, the unwillingness to do trudgery. Is that a word? I think so. Yeah. The unwillingness to do the, you know, like boring, mundane life choices, jobs. That's what leads people to comedy. Like, oh, maybe i could just talk shit yeah yeah i literally thought i always knew i wanted to like entertain people somehow i didn't

know exactly how until my senior year of high school but before that i was like maybe i'll be a singer or a comedian you know well you have a great voice i have a decent voice you have a very good voice thank you um and you use it in your act sometimes. I try. You do. You started doing stand-up. How old were you? I think I did my first open mic when I was like 17. But I didn't start then. There's only one other person I know.

Olivia Grace. Yes, I love Olivia. I met her at, I think it was Brea. She came up to me and she was like 16. Yeah. And I was like, what? And she had been doing it since she was like 14 or 15 that's crazy crazy she's very funny too she's so funny super cool yeah so I when I started I was living in Long Beach at my parents house and so I would go back and forth between Orange County and LA and Olivia was in Orange County and she was like the first person my age

kind of you know that I like met and so we became friends and I was like the first person my age, kind of, you know, that I like met. And so we became friends. And I was like, I was like, you're so funny. Like, it's so cool that she had already had so much time under her belt when I was like 18, you know? Yeah, it's crazy. I didn't know you could start until you were 21. No, I didn't either. I had no idea. I thought, and I also didn't know that open mics happened at like coffee shops and bars

and like literally anywhere. Yeah. At all. You know, laundromats. When I started, I waited until my 21st birthday, but then I met my friend Robbie and he was 19.

I was like, how did you get in? And they're like, they'll let you in, but you can't drink. I was like, Oh yeah. I had my,

is that still the case? Like at the store, if they, if they had a show, an open mic night? No. Did they let you in? Well, when I started doing open mics for real, I was maybe 18 on the verge of 19 or something. And I would go to the comedy store.

But I had already been doing open mics around town. So all the guys who worked at the comedy store as door guys knew me. They didn't know how old I was. So no one ever checked my ID. And I never talked about being young or anything. So I would just perform, hang out. And then when they found out I was under 21, I got kicked out for a year. And I couldn't perform there again.

So I had already been doing Kill Tony. And then they found out? And then they found out. Oh, my God. And so then I would do shows, do open mics mics and then I would just come to the comedy store and hang out on the sidewalk and just be like hey guys what's up and on my 21st birthday at midnight

I walked in really that's hilarious and I remember Red Band was there and George Perez and on my 21st birthday they each gave me $21 and then on my 22nd birthday I was at the comedy store and they gave me $22. And I was like, you guys better live for a long time. That's a crazy place to be when you're 21 years old.

You know, to be around, I mean, just the people you just named, George Perez and Brian Redband. And you're 21, like, hello. Yeah. Like a little fawn. Yeah. Like clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, walking out to the field. I still feel like that well that places I mean especially when you're dealing with you know so many like you're going there you're 21 years old and you're

just seeing Jessel Nick and you know and all these like big time headliners and Joey Diaz and you know when Chris Rock shows up and Dave Chappelle's there and you're fucking 21, you're walking around going, this is crazy. Yeah. Yeah. It felt so surreal just like being there and hanging out and feeling kind of like I was a part of it, you know, like in a small way. But, yeah, I'm super grateful for Kill Tony because I feel like that's what helped me become like more ingrained in the scene at the store. Well, that's how I found out about you. Yeah. I found out about you. Yeah.

I found out about you through Kill Tony and Tony kept raving about how good you were. And then I saw you do some sets and your progression. It's a kind of a hilarious story. Like you opening for me. I know. Because you did a couple shows at like the improv, couple shows at like, you know, the comedy store. And then I'm like, hey, you want to do Vegas well no no what

happened was you had been the guest like on Kill Tony and I was a regular so you had seen one minute of my material maybe two times no I'd seen you other times I've been in the room while you're doing stand-up a couple other times but then you invited me I remember Tony hit me up one day and he was like hey is it cool if I give Joe your phone number and I was like Joe and he was like Rogan I was like what I was like yeah of course and so then you text me you were like hey do you want to do some shows at the improv with me this week and I was like yeah of course you're like are you available I'm like I think I can be available for that I knew you're funny you know I mean that's? I'm like, I think I can be available for that. Well, I knew you were funny.

You know, I mean, that's how I do it. When I think someone's funny, I'm like, all right, let's see. Yeah. Let's see what they do in front of a packed house. Yeah. You know, with Joey Diaz and Duncan Trussell and Ari Shafir and just like, let's see what's up. Yeah. Let's see what's up.

And then I had been doing that for a couple months, I'd say, just doing the hosting spot or little opening spots at the improv and the comedy store. And then you were like, oh, I was like, oh, I saw that you're going to be in Vegas this week. I think I'm going to drive and come watch you because I'd never seen you in a bigger venue than a comedy club. And you were like, okay, do you want to open? And I was like, well, I wasn't hoping you'd say that, but I was kind of hoping you'd say that.

So you did Vegas. That was the coolest experience of my entire life still to this day. One of the highlights of my life. It was really fun. It was really fun. But you were so composed and so on top of it, you crushed. And then I said, okay, do you want to do an arena? on top of it you crushed and then I said okay do you want to do an arena you went from I mean how many times have you been paid to do stand-up other than the times

opening for me and you know like a couple little gigs on the road yeah I mean I never really got paid to do comedy like besides like drinks or like a couple bucks for gas so you do the mirage which is like I think the Mirage is 1300 people or 1200 people. It's a good size place. Yeah. Good size place. Then we do a fucking gigantic basketball arena. You know what I think helped me with the Mirage was in my head, I was like, 1200 is giant. I was like, this is going to be huge, crazy. And I like over hyped it so much that by the time I saw the venue, it was like, it was so beautiful and it felt intimate for some reason. Well, it's the most intimate place in Vegas in terms of like those big theaters you can play.

Yeah. It's my favorite place in Vegas. I love it. Yeah. So as soon as I got there, I was like, I got this. I was doing bigger places there and I came back to the Mirage just because it's a better setup yeah and I feel like the people who run that place were really helpful they're awesome they're the best they're the nicest folks and they all love comedy yeah you know there you are that's you kid oh Jamie was taking pictures I was like can you get more my mom really wants to see me yeah it's too bad you can't really see the audience in there, too. So then you go from that. What arena did we do? We went to, I believe, Denver.

Was it Portland? Oh, yeah. It was the Moda Center. Yeah. That place is fucking huge. Yeah. Oh, my God. And it was in the round.

The first one was in the round. So there's literally people all around me. I'm like, I don't know where to stand. I don't know how to use the space of the stage yeah that's like 13 or 14 000 people oh my gosh yeah bananas but i told you after i was like you know what i hate about this is that this feels that the best way to perform i was like this is where i feel the most myself well it's definitely the biggest pop like the rush that you get from a big a big joke that kills in you know a 15 000 seat arena or whatever it's it's bananas like the biggest i did was chapelle and i did uh the tacoma dome yeah we did 25 000 people that looked crazy it was

bonkers like when you would hear the laughs they were deafening it was a people scream 25,000 people screaming it's just was there like an echo like a wave it's what it's nuts it's wild because i remember after the moda center which is like an inside arena then we did um that outdoor theater amphitheater in the bay area uh yeah yeah where the grateful dead yeah yeah yeah that was fun too that was fun but that was cool because it was outdoors. And I was like, there's a lawn? Like, it was just crazy because when I was little, I would always go to concerts and I would always watch the performer and I'd be like, I want to do that.

So the first time I got to like do the arena and the amphitheater, I was like, I'm literally doing what I've always wanted to do. Yeah, those shows are fucking awesome, but I still think 200 people, that's the right size. Two to 300 people is the right size. Yeah, I agree. If you wanted it, there's nothing wrong with those shows. They're awesome. I love doing arenas, but the original rooms, like like 190 people that shit is perfect yeah when everything's popping i i like the 200 300 range or even smaller because that's when you get like

the honest feedback yeah and i think that's why it's fun to also do the like arena or amphitheater because it's the jokes that you've been working on that you know work right and so you're getting the response that you want from those jokes and you kind of almost expect that response but when you're doing the smaller intimate shows that's when you get the like kind of pause where you're like huh maybe that joke needs tweaking or like you can figure out yeah and that way when you do get a pop in like a smaller room you're like oh that really works yeah small small crowds like late at night that's when you find out if you're full of shit yeah because you get to see the the fat in your act you get to see the clunky

fucking those weird segues that you do or yeah or when you act something out it seems cheap and stupid you're like oh my god like you're just doing it in front of like three people you're like oh yeah material's terrible yeah that's why i liked working at the comedy store because you'd have to be there until the last person's off stage. How much comedy have you done during the quarantine? I've done a decent amount of Zoom shows and then- How weird are those?

They're weird. I kind of just like, I think I grew up always being like on the internet and interacting with strangers online. So I felt like i was prepared for something like a zoom show and i also was like okay don't look don't expect to get anything out of this or get the same feeling out of this like just have fun engage with the people watching as best you can and like see where it goes have no expectations it's just something to do yeah yeah it fucking blows mark norman said

it best he said like it's like methadone comedy yeah it's like you know he was talking about how he did uh stand up in the park yes i was watching his youtube park norman so good but it's you know we're all like desperate to get back in in la we're not doing any comedy, but New York is doing stand-up again. Yeah, I've seen that. Yeah, which is crazy. I feel like I'm starting to see some shows. My friends are doing some shows outdoors here. So I don't know. I'm kind of hopeful, but I'm

also like, if I get an offer to go to a state that's open and doing comedy, I would take it. Are you taking vitamins? Are you taking vitamins are you taking care yourself you just tested negative I just tested negative you don't have the vid I don't I don't got the Covey but I've been getting tested a lot because my sister just moved to Arizona last year so I've been going out there a lot which

is hot for the Rona yeah yeah and so I've been getting tested really frequently and whenever they say like it's hot for the Rona I always wonder Yeah. Yeah. And so I've been getting tested really frequently. Whenever they say it's hot for the Rona, I always wonder, what makes some place hotter than others? Why are other places more susceptible? What's going on there? I don't know. Well, I guess with Arizona, everything's open. It's almost like Corona never happened there.

Yeah, they don't give a fuck. Yeah. Well, that's a wild west town. I know. I told them. I'm like, they're the COVID cowboys. They're wearing maskless chaps. They have open carry like you could have a gun in your pocket just walk into a store i did a show in arizona i was like what are you guys gonna do shoot

covid when you see it is that your defense well in their defense like they're on the border of mexico and that is a place that has literally changed very little since people came across the fucking country and covered wagons. Yeah. Like that's Arizona. Yeah. Arizona, like Phoenix is as big as it gets. I love Arizona.

It's great. I love it there. I love it. It's so beautiful. There's so much to do. I filmed my 2005 special there. Okay, brag. I love it there.

Yeah. I've been going there forever. I just love that Tempe Improv. That place is great. Dude, Tempe is my favorite. That was the first place I headlined. And Casey, the manager there, one of the best people ever. I feel like every comedy club manager should take a class under Casey because he's so compassionate,

and he gets it, and he's not full of bullshit. He's just like an honest caring dude i feel like he rubs that he runs that club so well well that place has a history of cool people running it because adam egan used to be there yeah and page from the improv yep that's where i met both of them i think i met page there i might have met yeah i think i met page there um i just feel bad for those people now oh you you're taking the... I was like, what's that sound? How addicted to those things are you? So addicted.

Completely addicted. Yeah. Well, when I was at my mom's house during lockdown, my mom's a smoker. Oh, boy. I know. It's this weird thing when they get to be a certain age and they're still smoking all the time. I know. Like, ooh, you are on the edge, huh?

Well, she was trying to read that book, Alan Carr's book, Stop Smoking. How about just stop smoking? Well, I guess if you've been doing it all your life, I don't know. Take up another hobby. I know. You'll have to talk to her. We'll get her on the pod. No one's going to listen.

Yeah, no. When you're in it, you're in it, you know? But when I was with her, she was smoking, and I'm like, I don't want to be smoking. Because my mom always says, don't smoke. It's bad. And I've just been smoking since I'm like, I don't want to be smoking. Because my mom always says, don't smoke, it's bad. And I've just been smoking since I was like 17. But I quit for two months off the Juul, off cigarettes. When did you do that? At the beginning of lockdown for two months.

So why'd you start back up again? Because then I came back home to LA and I was like. What was the first one like? Did you know that you were being a loser? No. When you were reaching for that first one? Well, that's... You're like... No, because in my head, I'm like, it's just one hit of the Juul.

I'm fine. I'm not going to get addicted again. I got this. And then a couple more times, I hit my friend's Juul, and I was like, I need to buy my own. Damn. Yeah. That's what happened with cigarettes. I wasn't addicted.

I think people think that if you smoke one cigarette, you're going to be addicted and that's not the case. I smoked one and I was fine. No, I've smoked one multiple times before shows. Yeah. I started with Tony. I smoked one of Tony's before a show back when Tony used to smoke. And I was like, dude, this gives you a crazy rush you smoke mine in uh like st louis or st paul or something and you were like buzzing i took some cigarettes from dave chapelle and we did shows together um a cigarette before a show gets you buzzed cigar doesn't quite get you that buzzed like you gotta inhale and i think there's like whatever funky chemicals they put in those

cigarettes to get you addicted those are good yeah those they're so yummy those chemists are fucking they know what they're doing they do it's so unfortunately they kill people yeah it's crazy that no one's trying to stop it but yet it kills half a million people a year that's what's bizarre that everybody's worried about covid covid has killed less than 200,000 people cigarettes have killed probably in the same time of COVID more than 200,000 people. It's always crazy when you find out someone, like someone's family member or friend got lung cancer and never smoked. That always freaks me out. Yeah. You can get lung cancer. Yeah. You can get lung cancer from toxins in the air. You can get lung cancer from genetics. You can get

lung cancer, you know, environmental shit. If you work in a factory that has a lot of weird fumes. You can get lung cancer, you know, environmental shit if you work in a factory that has a lot of weird fumes. But there's also so many things that kill people, like fast food is so unhealthy. I love that, too. What's your go-to? Taco Bell. Really? You like eating garbage.

I love garbage. You just like straight. I love garbage. That's why you're shitting your pants all the time. It was once, okay? Only once? Yeah. I've shit my pants at least once this month. You've got a couple more years on me.

Yeah, yeah. But I mean, I also eat like a lot of meat. Yeah, doesn't that make you shit? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's crazy. Does meat give you loose stools? Oh my God, it gives you the most ridiculous diarrhea. Like I told Tom Segura, you got to try this carnivore diet because he was trying to lose

weight and I lost 12 pounds in a month. I got shredded. But isn't that kind of unhealthy to lose that much weight in a month I don't know it felt great okay I don't know yeah I really don't know I was gonna get my blood work done but then I had to travel and then the COVID hit it's like oh Christ yeah um I forget what my excuse was I had an excuse yeah not a good one but I had an excuse do you ever eat fast food oh when you called me yesterday you. Do you ever eat fast food? Oh, when you called me yesterday, you were at In-N-Out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had the craziest order.

Well... I thought you were feeding your whole family with your order. He was on speaker. He was like, yeah, can I get like 12 Flying Dutchmen? I'm like... No, four. I know. I just had four Flying Dutchmen.

It's not that much meat. I guess not. Is that one patty or two? Two patties with cheese. So that's a total of eight patties? Yes. Okay. I gotta feed all this meat, you you know do you eat like three meals a day no one generally i eat um very light in the morning usually unless i'm i have a really hard workout and then like this morning i just had eggs

um just a couple like three eggs yeah and um how do you couple, like three eggs. Yeah. And, um, how do you cook them? Fry, fried eggs. I thought that I would know how to cook eggs at this point in my life. You know, I'm 24. That's something that's pretty basic. You don't know how to do it. I keep fucking up eggs. How do you fuck that up? I, I get really impatient. And so I put the heat on the pan way too high and then the eggs are just like fried instantly, but I've gotten better'm getting better but i don't think i could fry eggs this is not that complicated you know you have a very minor issue that you're complaining about here so i eat that you know i'll eat like a light breakfast before workout and then i work out and then i won't eat until dinner i usually eat twice a day okay then i eat a large yeah i see it on your instagram well you've seen me eat live like yeah

in real time it's an experience it's like going to the zoo and like feeding a giraffe you're like whoa well people don't believe it like when i go to a restaurant and i'll order two entrees like like the waiters are like what are you doing yeah like you're not gonna eat all that i'm like just watch me bitch it's fun going out to eat with you because when i was growing up my dad would you know we i have two older sisters and my dad was kind of single dad shop like food on a budget and so he'd be like you know the drill no soda water only like the bare minimum so then when we get to go out after shows and eat i'm like i can get two entrees if I want and an appetizer. Yeah.

That is the good thing about growing up poor is that you really appreciate when, you know, you get good stuff. Yeah. I don't want to say I grew up poor, but we weren't like, you know. Right. You weren't starving. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I grew up, you know, I mean, we weren't starving either, but we were poor. Yeah. You know, and we were on welfare when I was a kid. We drank powdered milk, you know, the whole deal. We're on food stamps. Yeah. I'm on food stamps now. Are you? Yeah.

That's so crazy. I know. I'm on unemployment. It's crazy. How much are they giving you? How much do they give you for unemployment? I think you have to, like, put in all of your information and, like, you know, whatever. And so I think I'm getting like $400 a week.

The good news is you're living with your mom, right? No, I'm living in my house. Oh, you are? Yeah. You were with your mom for a little while? Yeah, but I kept my place because I was like, who knows how long this is going to last? Who knows if I want to stay at my mom's house, whatever. Like it's nice to know I have that as an option because my parents live like in the greater Los Angeles area I read that they're going to there was a ban on evictions and and and you know and making people forcing people to pay rent yeah but that's gonna go up September 1st they're gonna force people to start paying again but I'm like I've just been paying my rent but what happens to those people if you have five months of back rent and the rent is $3,000 a month or something?

That's crazy. Yeah. And all of a sudden you have to pay it all? Yeah. It makes no sense. That's why I was like, I'm going to pay mine now because who knows how much money I'm going to have saved up after this. So I might as well just pay. Luckily, my rent is like cheap, so it's manageable.

And if I ever was in a pinch, like I know my parents would help me out how long did you think this was gonna last uh I've everyone was saying it was gonna last like three months but I was like this is gonna last longer there's no way things are just gonna be like okay if we do this it's all gonna go back to normal it just felt too big for it to be over that quickly. Well, I was optimistic, unfortunately. I really did think it was going to be three months. I thought it was going to be two months, really. Yeah, I was like.

I was like, look, it takes, you get sick and then you're only sick for like a week, right? So if everybody just stays home, the people that are sick will get better. People won't get infected. This is simple. I just feel like Americans are so like, don't tell me what to do. Yes. And America's such a big country. How would you expect everyone to be on the same page?

Well, it's a big country. We're all crazy. Yeah. And we travel around a lot. Yeah. Yeah. And spit in each other's face. Yeah. And here you go. And we travel around a lot. Yeah. Yeah. And spit in each other's face. Yeah.

And here you go. Here we are five months later. Is it five now? Yeah. Right? Yeah. It's five months. Five fucking months.

No end in sight. Do you feel like it's gone by fast or slow for you? Slow. It doesn't feel good. I don't like it. I'm not worried about myself. I'm worried about other people and I'm worried about the city. I'm worried about the economic aspects of this as much as I'm worried about the health aspects of it.

Yeah. Because I don't know how. When people get sick, they get better, right? Hopefully. But when a city gets that far gone, like as far as L.A. is right now, I don't know how a city bounces back. I've never seen it happen. I've seen cities that used to be big. Have you ever been to Detroit?

Do we ever do a gig in Detroit? Detroit is interesting. Because Detroit used to be one of the most wealthy cities in the world. At one point in time, during the height of the auto industry, you'd go to Detroit and it was fucking Cadillacs and Camaros and Corvettes and it was beautiful and everybody was making money. And it was just amazing. Now Detroit is sketchy as fuck.

Isn't it getting... Coming back a little bit. Yeah. A little bit, but when you drive through Detroit, you can buy a house for like five bucks. Crazy. The guys from Top Gear, they have a new show now. It's called The Grand Tour. Is that what it's called?

Sounds right. Grand Tour. They bought homes in Detroit. They went to Detroit and just bought houses. They bought a house for like $2,000. And then they were showing what you can buy for $2,000. And then they were like, you know, like showing like what you can buy for 2000 bucks. And then they were driving their cars. So crazy. I think once I make like a good amount of money, the first thing I'm going to do is invest. Move to Detroit. Yeah. Move to Detroit. No,

I think I would like invest in real estate. That's what everyone says, right? Don't listen to everyone. Okay. Yeah. I mean, investing in real estate is generally a good idea if you do it in the right place. Yeah. But, you know, I don't know. Just keep kicking ass. I remember when COVID first started, I hit you up. I was like, Joe, I'm scared. Do you have a guest house?

And you're like, I'm scared too. I'm like, that's not the answer I was looking for. I was scared in the beginning. If you're scared, I'm scared. In the beginning, I was real scared. Yeah. Yeah, because I was like, I didn't know, first

of all, the information you get from China is so filtered by the Communist Party or the Chinese government. So, like, who is telling the truth? Like, how bad is this? So, when it hit, and then you know, when you see them driving

down the street with those big tanks spraying the houses did you ever see those videos from china no i don't oh yeah yeah like like big lysol trucks like ghostbusters yeah exactly i was like this is not good no what are they doing and then you were getting information from cruise ships that were saying that it lasts up to 17 days just on surfaces i'm like oh my god my God, we're fucked. This is a super bug. I was on a cruise at the beginning of the year, so I got it out of the way. You were on a cruise?

Yeah, I got booked to perform on a rave cruise. Oh, Jesus Christ. And I was like, this might be the worst experience of my life, but there's no way I can pass up on having that, you know? Was it good? It was so fun. It honestly changed my life i like i was like first of all who goes on a rave cruise second of all who goes to see comedy on a rave cruise

yeah and so i was like i need to bring a friend so i brought my friend danny and i was like he's gonna be the perfect person to have whether this is the best or the worst time and we pull up to the port in miami and it's like 11 am. and there's people in like blue wigs and fishnets drinking like Jack Daniels. Oh, that's me. I look at that smile. You look so happy. I was and look at everybody has no mask on. No mask. This was, oh, what a good time. The old days. The old, look at it. It looks like I have abs in that picture. When do you think we're going to go back? This is January 21st. This is right before the world ended. Yeah. When do you think we're going to go back? This is January 21st. This is right before the world ended. Yeah. When do you think we're going to go back to no masks? Do you think some people are just going to wear masks forever now? I think so. Yeah. Yeah. Well, isn't like, uh, I watched

this Japanese reality show and, uh, it's so good. It's called Terrace House and they just film people in this house. It's beautiful. And, um, and people over there wear masks when they're sick. Like that's just always been a thing. And so I think maybe that's something that will be implemented. Well, they did a really good job in stopping covid because of that. Yeah. Just because they wear masks all the time. They didn't stop their businesses. Yeah. They didn't close down. And they only I think only a thousand people died. Yeah. See if that's true. I think that's the number. And they're starting to have resurgence

in cases unfortunately. And now everyone's like losing their hair. What? They are? Yeah. Odessa Milano? And other people. I think with her it might be due, she might have a little stress in her life. Stress. She seems like a little high strung. That lady needs

a joint. What is that? I don't know. Recovered 35,000. 1 000 1 000 deaths that's amazing 1073 deaths in japan that's amazing that's incredible yeah that's incredible i mean how do they do that i don't know and look at their big spike the big spike is like towards the end of uh it looks like april 22nd do you think that this is like mostly accurate as best i think japan is honest mostly accurate? I think Japan is honest. Yeah. I mean, they're just very disciplined. You know, they're very disciplined and they

follow order. Yeah. Have you ever gone? No, I want to. It's beautiful. I wanted to. It's really interesting. It's like you're I love when people are just human beings, but they have a whole different way of doing things. Like you go, they're like, oh, look how they do it.

Yeah. You walk down the street, everybody's like real polite. Like nobody's bumping into each other, yelling at each other. It's like very orderly. Yeah. And, you know, it's interesting. It's like really packed with people, but there's no litter. Yeah.

What's your favorite country you've been to? Well, I'm a big fan of America. I love Canada. I've never been. been to well i'm a big fan of america um i love canada i mean i guess that's kind of a country that's separate from us because you could walk over there but i mean you could walk to mexico too yeah i i love canada perform they're fuck they're so nice up there they're like america but i always say with 20 less douchebags that's nice they're fucking nice they're really nice and it's cold and they so it violates my dickhead cold weather theory. I used to have a dickhead cold weather theory because I grew up in Boston. I was like, why is everybody so dickheads here?

Because it's fucking freezing. But it's not because Canada is colder than that and they're nice. If you go from Boston to Montreal, it'll ruin your dickhead cold weather theory. Yeah. Because I'm like, well, it's fucking colder here and people are nice. It maybe gets so cold that they're forced to be nice uh yeah because they're all struggling stay together yeah have you been to montreal no i've never been to canada oh you gotta go it's awesome i was hoping to do new faces this year but if i had a bail off the continental north america if i had to get out of

this this spot i would go to austral Oh. I love Australia. Really? Yeah. I've never been, but it's not a place that I'm super dying to go to. I really want to go to New Zealand. I would go there, too. I've never been, but it looks amazing. Road trip. Oh, my God. What's that?

They just had four new cases. I know. They had no cases. Yeah. Yeah. They're pretty impressive. But Australia, the first thing I would do if I did move there is try to convince them to drive on the right side of the road. I'm like, what are you doing?

It's weird. Why are you over here with you staring me on the wrong side? How did that happen? What happened when we came over to America? Was someone just like, let's just switch it all up. Everybody's jealous of us because we're the shit. So they're like, well, they do it like that. We're going to do it like this.

Yeah. Do you know why, though, honestly? No, that's what I'm asking. do it like that we're gonna do it like this yeah do you know why though honestly no that's why i'm asking um the reason why is they drive on the left side of the road because if you were a knight and you were like in combat you would want to have your enemy on your right side so if you were riding towards them you would want to have your enemy so you could slash at them with your your dominant arm. Yeah.

That's also why when you shake someone's hand, you shake someone's hand with your right hand because that's your dominant arm, supposedly. Yeah. So that's your sword arm. So these are all sword people. They're all fucking barbarians. What type of cars were knights driving? Like a Cadillac Escalade? They were on horses, honey.

Oh, okay. Got it. Got it. When they'd run up to each other and stab each other, they would want to do it with their right arm, so they'd want the enemy to be on the right side of them. Crazy. Yeah, so they were on the left side of the road. Hmm. It's weird to think that that's like...

I might have made that up, by the way. Maybe. You know, I just trust... I have blind faith. I'm like, I know less, so I'll just take that as a fact. Yeah, I still talk like the days before the internet. I'll just start saying shit, and I'm not sure if I fully researched it. I know. But that's the crazy thing about the internet is I feel so confused all the time.

You can with many things. With many subjects you can get really confused. Is that a fact? I mean, I'm pretty sure that's right but I know like America drives on the right because we're like, fuck that, we're driving on the left. But we invented cars, bro. Did we? So we're like, fuck that, we're driving on the right. Detroit. Ford, motherfucker. But like it's an anti-drive on the left is why we drive on the right.

It's because they drive on the left is why we drive on the right, kind of. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, we're like the younger sibling who's like, fuck you, we do it our own way. Oh, that's how you drive with horses? Well, with cars, we're going to flip it. I don't know. What is the reason why they decided to drive on the right? There's got to be a reason.

That's what I'm saying. It's like colonization. Just to be different. They're like, fuck British rules. In the early colonization of North America, English driving customs were followed and the colonies drove on the left. Ah, after gaining independence from it. That makes sense.

They were anxious to cast off all remaining links with their British colonial past and gradually changed to right-hand driving. Aha! That makes sense. colonial past and gradually changed to right-hand driving. Aha! Does that make sense? Have you ever, did you, when you were in Australia, did you like rent a car and drive yourself on the left side? No, I have never driven a car on the left-hand side. Yeah.

I remember reading about Matthew Broderick and he was over in Ireland, I believe, and he got in a fatal car crash, smashed into someone, and the speculation was that he was on the wrong side of the road, like he was coming home from the set and then he fucked up. I remember reading that. I don't know if that's the case, but I do know he was in a bad car crash. And I was like, Oh my God,

you got to be on your fucking P's and Q's if you're driving on the left side of the road. Cause your head, like, do you know when you're driving, you get into that weird auto mode where you just like, you ever be in your car and then all of a sudden, I don't know how i get home sometimes

like how did i get here do you text and drive no okay no i do not i do not yeah it's too tempting i have a little slot in my car from my phone it just goes right in there i don't i don't do shit in every car you have you have a slot well in the car that i drive the most yeah the tes the tesla is a slot but the thing i like to do is this. I like to do, hey Siri, text Ali Makovsky. And then, what would you like to say? And then that kind of shit. Yeah. Your phone go off when I said, hey Siri?

People get mad at you. Like, if they listen to the podcast, they get mad. I have like an iPhone 2, so I don't have to worry about it. It's fine. Half the time, it's dirty. Oh, that? Yeah. Why don't we, well, we're going to replace it in the new studio.

Are you going to visit us in texas duh i was i was like you when you called me yesterday i was like maybe he like wants me to like move with him and then you're like don't do the podcast i'm like fine i guess i'll stay in la well once everything's up and running i'll babysit okay well good i've got nothing over my daughter likes you i know met you. I know. She's so cute. Adorable. She's so cute.

I was like, are you on TikTok? That's like how I, whenever I meet a young person, I'm like, are you on TikTok? I know the dances. The Chinese government is watching you. Do you think they're actually going to ban it? Yes. I think they're going to force a sale. That's what I think. I think probably some big American tech company is going to buy it because there is a group of software.

I don't know if a group or some software engineer that back engineered TikTok. And they said this is the worst application we've ever seen in terms of violation of privacy. Well, it's the worst. Like it tracks fucking everything. And they send that information directly to the Chinese government. So they're data mining. Is it bad that I... Don't give a fuck?

Don't give a fuck? Should I care more that people are taking my privacy? This is how I feel about that. Okay, tell me. You are a 24-year-old stand-up comedian. 25 next month. So you're like, what am I going to do? What are you going to do?

What are you going to find out where I shit? What are you going to find out where I take naps? I keep my laptop on with the camera on when I'm pooping just in case. If the government's watching, I want them to get the full range of me. I feel like if they're paying attention to hedge fund guys who are trying to overthrow governments, they're paying attention to important shit. They don't care about me? What do we do?

I know nothing. We talk shit. Yeah. The people that think that the government's watching everything you do, like, but bro, you're boring. Yeah. Okay. They're not, they're not paying attention to you.

I guarantee you they're not. But. They're probably watching you, don't you think? Yeah. They're watching me. They listen to everything I say, I'm sure. But I mean, I say everything publicly. Yeah.

The things that get me in the most trouble, I say right here. Yeah. You're just talking shit. But, you know, that's the business. The business is the talking shit business yeah what are you gonna do but that's the thing to get back to like being so confused about information now because there's so much information i don't know what to believe isn't it crazy like having a podcast and then like saying something and being like i don't

know if that's right well that's what Jamie's for Jamie Jamie pulls things up all the time that I thought were right I know I've always actually actually you're wrong well I mean if you're coming to me as your major source of information you are already fucked yeah if I say something that I absolutely know to be sure I will say that I absolutely know this to be sure yeah if I say something and I go I don't know if that's true, please Google it. I'm not supposed to be a source of information. I'm just not. Yeah.

It's not my thing. You just have a lot of information. I have some information. Whether it's factual or not. I'm a shit talker. Yeah. That's why I'm a professional shit talker. I talk shit eight out of 10 times.

I don't even mean what I say. Yeah. That's the crazy thing too about the internet is that some people will just like assume that everything you say is real and it's like no there's some you know there's some like i'm gonna put this up later here i'll uh i'll send this to you jamie right now this is uh tim when he was getting his covid test oh my god this is something that i'm sure people are gonna to be pissed about. But this is a perfect example of what I like. I don't need everyone to be serious and or telling the truth.

Yeah. And I like the fact that I can tell the difference. And I like when people say outrageous shit that they don't really mean. And that's one of the things that frustrates me the most about this internet culture is that people love to take something like that Tim Dillon would say in this clip and put it in quotes and pretend that he really means it. Play that. And have it totally out of context.

Oh, it's actually a fairly large video. Should I? You got it? Oh, you got it. Put it up there and then give us some volume. This is Tim Dillon taking his COVID test. Here we go. I'll put it on the internet after the podcast.

Woo! How's that, buddy? I don't like it. You don't like it? I don't like it. This disease doesn't exist. What? This is outrageous.

I can't even put this on the internet. This does not exist. It's fake. Oh, no. See, now, there's a lot of people that would be like, that's Jamie. That's his emoji. He added his emoji. But it's like, there's so many people that would be are like you know how many fucking people died 147

000 americans that's what they would do they would take that clip and then go oh you're yucking it up ha ha ha grandma's dead yeah what are we supposed to do be sad about grandma all the time all the time all the time we're supposed to be sad everything's supposed to be serious these humorless fucks who spend all day complaining about things. Yeah. But I get it because there's no work. Yeah. What are you going to do? Like, of course it's sad, but that's like why comedy is so important and to make light of things and be ridiculous because it's like there needs to be a balance.

For sure. That's what we do. Yeah. And it's also like what we enjoy. Like one of the things about the comedy store is that I enjoyed the most is like going there and people would go like talk shit to you. You really wearing that? Like what?

Are you really wearing that? And then all of a sudden it'd be like a roast fest. You'd be standing there going, what did I do? And then you're shitting on my clothes or shitting on my shoes or, you know, it's like, it's fun. It's fun. Like in saying things you don't mean are fun. I remember when it was like me, you and Santino out somewhere and we were getting brunch and I was like wearing a shirt and you're like, what the fuck is that tattoo on your arm?

And I was like, what's that tattoo on your arm? We were just going back and forth. That's dumb. What does that mean? You get that at a thrift store? What is that tattoo? I don't know. I forget.

It's a rowboat with a flower in it. Okay. I got it for 10 bucks. I won a raffle. That's a good deal. It stays with you forever. Yeah. When you're 80. That's a good deal. It stays with you forever. When you're 80. It's not even going to look like that.

Today it's $1,000. My friend got a tattoo gun on Amazon. You know that anyone can just buy a tattoo gun on Amazon? You can just start tattooing yourself. Oh my god, you tattooed your palm? I saw the Post Malone episode and I was like, I gotta get another tap before I come on.

Were you thinking about getting one in your cheek? No, not yet. Would you do like a little star? I have thought about a face tattoo. Right above your eyebrow? Like a tiny little one over here. Maybe. There's been multiple face tattoos on this podcast.

And you know the one I forgot? Who? Mike Tyson. I forgot he has a face tattoo. Yeah. I forgot. A prominent one. The first one though was Kat Von D. She was number one. he has a face tattoo. Yeah. I forgot. A prominent one. The first one, though, was Kat Von D.

She was number one. She has a gang of them. She's got little stars all over the place. Yeah. Oh, jeez. And then the second one was, was the second one Tyson? Who else? You had Kat Von D on?

Well, yes. Yeah. Early in the day. She's awesome. Yeah. Early in the day. She's awesome. Yeah. But Travis Barker probably has the most tattoos. He's so talented. He's a great guy, too.

He's like a legend. He's so cool. He's such a sweetheart of a person, too. Like a really genuinely nice guy. But he's got face, head, neck, everything. He was on his Instagram the other day getting new tattoos. He's like, I'm out of space. Yeah.

So they're just like drawing over old tattoos, like new writing. Yeah. Do you think he'd get like a skin graft just so he can do like a new tattoo? Well, he's actually had skin grafts because he had a plane crash. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think he would. Skin grafts are fucking painful.

Yeah. Yeah. But he's got everything covered. Yeah, I had a skin graft once. He's got literally them everywhere. He's got them everywhere. Really? Yeah, everywhere.

Top of his head, all the way down his hands, his arms, his legs. Everything's tattooed. See if you can find the video. The video's kind of crazy. I have a weird amount of tattoos where I'm like, I feel like I'm playing blackjack right now. I'm like, should I quit?

Yeah, look. He's out of space. Damn. It's everywhere. Under his chin. There's still some face room. Yeah. Some cheeks.

Well, there was a fake picture that somebody, it might have been him that he posted, of his face fully tattooed. It was like, damn, he might have went all in. But it was fake. How old were you when you got your first tattoo? 23 maybe. Do you remember what it was? Yeah, I still have it. It's like a demon with a jester's hat on.

Nice. Stupid. I know. All my tattoos are so stupid. It's there to remind me that I used to be a moron. Yeah. I feel like that's what these are. I'm like, you know what? You're going to be a different person. Well, I'm still a moron, but I'm definitely less of a moron than when I was 23.

Yeah. That's why I really liked being at the store and having people like you and Tony and Santino and just all the people there. you and Tony and Santino and just like all the people there like you know because for me being a young person in comedy I'm always like were you guys like bad when you first started we were terrible I'm like did you guys know what you wanted to talk about and it's so cool being able to like ask you guys for advice and like have these mentors and well it's also the the guys you're talking about everyone Everyone's genuinely honest. Like, they'll tell you the times they bombed. The worst is people that don't admit they bombed or don't admit when they bombed. Because, like, okay, you're protecting yourself and you're damaging our relationship.

Yeah. By protecting yourself, first of all, it doesn't really work. You're not really protecting yourself. And two, you're damaging our relationship. Because now I can't listen to you. Because now I think you're full of shit. Yeah. That's not good.

Remember, remember when we were in St. Paul and in the arena and I said, what's up St. Louis? That was rough. Oh my God. You barely recovered from that one. I thought I was going to get burned alive after the show. They got mad. And I opened it up. I was the first one. I thought I was going to get burned alive after the show. They got mad. And I opened it up.

I was the first one on stage. I was like so excited. I'm like, what's up? Oh, no. Dead silent. And I'm like, that's not how this works. Oh, no. Yeah.

But then I recovered. Thank God. I think I've done that before. I think I called Minneapolis, Michigan once. Yeah. I retired saying, what's up, wherever I'm at. I'm like, I'll just get into it. Well, there's some places that demand respect.

Like if you go to New York and you call it Philly, your show's over. Yeah. What's up, Philly? What? They would just, boo! That's a mistake you can't make. Boo! Some mistakes you can't make.

But if you call St. Paul, St. Louis, you're like, oh, my God, I'm a fucking idiot. Like a couple minutes later, if you have some good jokes, they'll forget. Yeah. New York will never forgive you if you call it Philadelphia. If you call New York Philadelphia. Or if you call Philadelphia New York, they'll kick your ass. Wouldn't you know the difference between Philly and New York? Not if you're drunk.

You don't drink. Why did you stop with the boozing and everything else? I stopped everything the day after Halloween of 2015. It was a rough Halloween. It was a rough Halloween. Yeah. Not one of my best moments. So 2000, you were 19 then? I was 19. I think I was 20. Yeah. So right around then. Yeah. Cause I, yeah, I, um, I woke up half naked on my dad's couch and I was like, this is not the way I want to be waking up. This is not a pretty sight. Were you out all night or? Yeah. And I was like, I was moving to LA November 1st, 2015.

And I was like, okay, I still want to go out for Halloween, but I need to be respectful. No hard alcohol, just a couple beers. Get your shit together. Don't be a piece of shit. Blacked out. That's amazing. Woke up half naked. So whenever people are like, how long have you lived in LA?

I'm like, four years, seven months, whatever days. Right. You can get it down to the Alcoholics Anonymous chip. Yes, yes, yes. Jim Norton's the same way. Norton stopped when he was 19. Oh, really? Yep, yep.

He realized. He's like, I'm a fucking mess and I can't do this. And I thought when I started comedy, I was like, I was like everyone who is successful drinks. Like, it's just part of it. Like, you have to be boozing and schmoozing and like having a good time after the show and like partying it up and have this like rock star attitude and then I realized that there were so many successful comedians who don't drink and I was like okay maybe this is like possible yeah oh it's very possible I mean Hicks did his best work after

he cleaned up yeah he didn't you know didn't. Yeah. When he was like in his 30, I think he quit like at like 30 or something like that. But then whatever he had done caught up to him already. But he smoked a lot of cigarettes, which is just as bad, my friend. Yeah. He's your favorite, right? He's your favorite, yeah. No, no, he's not my favorite. He's not the funniest.

He was a great mind. And I think he had really interesting thoughts. And I think that his comedy was very revolutionary in that it changed the way people thought about doing comedy. issues you could talk about complex things yeah and inspired me to talk about more complex things but kinnison but you didn't start out talking about complex things did you no okay thank god no because i'm like my my ass whatever my jokes are sucking dick doing whatever you know the dumb shit of course and i'm always like i hope i'm i mean i don't mind if i keep talking about whatever like dumb shit i just wanted to be like a I don't mind if I keep talking about whatever, like dumb shit. I just wanted to be like a little bit more elevated. Well, some people talk about dumb shit forever and it's great. Yeah. You don't, there's no rules.

It just has to be funny. I used to be so insecure, you know, about, you know, my dumb jokes, which I think are funny. But they're, you know, it's not like I'm breaking boundaries or opening people's minds to new thought. But the problem is the people that want to do that all suck. The people that want to break boundaries, the people that want to open people's minds, they're almost always annoying. I think the jokes should be, there's two things that should be possible, right? First of all, what you're saying for the people in the audience should be entertaining, should

be interesting. That was one of the things that Hicks said, like just try to be, try to be interesting. He had like a, see if you can find this. He had like a rules to comedy thing that he wrote. That's very insightful.

It's really interesting. I mean, when you think about the guy died, I think he was only like three, three when he died. Yeah. He was just really fucking smart. Yeah.

You know, we're just really smart and also started comedy really young. So here it is. Bill Hicks' Principles of Comedy. If you can be yourself on stage, nobody else can be you, and you have the law of supply and demand covered. The act is something you fall back on if you can't think of anything else to say. back on if you can't think of anything else to say. Number three, only do what you think is funny, never just what you think they will like, even though it's not that funny to you. Number four,

never ask them, is this funny? You tell them this is funny. Number five, you are not married to any of this shit. If something happens, taking off on a tangent, never go back and finish a bit. Just move on. Number six, never ask the audience, how you doing? People who do that can't think of an opening line. They came to see you tell them how they're doing. Asking that stupid question up front just digs a hole. This is the most common mistake. I like how he writes that in all caps. This is the most common mistake with a, well, not all caps, front word, first letter caps. The most common mistake made by performers. I want to leave as soon as they say that. Number seven, write what entertains you. If you can't be funny, be interesting. That's what I was talking about. You haven't lost the crowd. Have something

to say and then do it in a funny way. Number eight, I close my eyes and walk out there and that's where I start. Honest. Number nine, listen to what you are saying. Ask yourself, why am I saying it? And is it necessary? This will filter all your material and cut the unnecessary words. Economy of words. You're super into that. Economy of words is everything. It's everything with jokes. Number 10, play to the top of the intelligence the room there aren't any bad crowds just wrong choices that's not true yeah that's just not true there are definitely bad crowds number 11 remember this is the hardest thing there is to do that's not true being a soldier way fucking harder if you can do this you can do this, you can do anything. Nope. You can't tell people jokes and then do brain surgery. I can't do shit. Yeah, that's not true. I'm useless.

Number 12. I love my cracker roots. Get to know your family, be friends with them. Well, that's not the worst advice, but all the, the thing that is a problem with any of that stuff is this is how you do it. The beautiful thing about comedy is there is no, this is how you do it the beautiful thing about comedy is there is no this is how you do it yeah like there's mitch hedberg and there's san kinnison those are two all-time greats there's richard pryor and there's louis ck there's dave chappelle and there's emo phillips there's bobcat goldwade and there's fucking you know i mean this is you can do that all day i think that just goes back to like, just be who you are on stage. Yes. Yes. But also do what you feel like doing. Like Gaffigan likes to do his kind of comedy.

Yeah. Right. If all of a sudden Gaffigan had to do like, you know, someone else's act, like Bobby Lee or something like that, like it wouldn't be, it's not what he's interested in. You find what you like to do. It's like some people are country music stars. Some people are rappers. You know, like everyone's got their own thing they're doing. And that's the thing with like comedy is I feel like when you're starting out, it can feel so like competitive or like, should I be doing what this person's doing? Because they're doing things or whatever.

But I feel like I have to look at it like music. It's like, oh, I like a rapper. And I also like this like corny pop musician. They're in totally different lanes. They're not competing against each other. They're not looking at each other being like, why are they doing that? They're doing their own thing.

And I can appreciate both artists or both songs or whatever. You know what I mean? I do know what you mean but some people can't and some comics can't some comics decide that they don't like what you do so you shouldn't be doing it yeah they get angry yeah you know you shouldn't be talking about sex you should be talking about you know like whatever absurd things yeah but that's like because comedy is if you go to a comedy club, it's just a comedy club. Nobody goes to a music club and doesn't know what kind of band is playing.

If you go to see rock and roll and all of a sudden a folk singer shows up, you get upset. Yeah. Like there's no other venue like that where like someone will go on stage and they're Metallica. And then right afterwards would be like Sarah McLaughlin yeah that's a weird combination but in comedy that's a combination that exists all the time you will see weird combinations like that all the time where if you're on a 10 person show like at the store where 10 people are doing 15 minute sets you are likely to see the full spectrum of comedy yeah all kinds of weird shit that's why i like the original room so much because it goes until you know two in the morning sometimes longer and you get to see the weirdest

stuff and yeah well that's where i saw laura laura beats yeah i mean and i became a giant fan of hers and i put the post on my instagram because me and kreischer we did a show this big ass sold out show in the main room. And then Bert and I sat down in the back of the room and Laura was on stage. And there was like maybe, I mean, 15 people or something, something like that. A small ass crowd. By the time she was off stage, the crowd had doubled. Because they were coming in to sit down to listen to her.

And that doesn't seem like a lot. You know, it was only 30 people. But that's a big jump yeah and for the or at like whatever time that was she's so talented she's so funny and just so like ah yeah i love her style and it's like what he was saying she's herself yeah she knows how to do it and she works so hard like her and i talked about writing and she showed me her notebook first of all everything is like there's like a line and then a space like she's like leaves a whole line bare and then the next space I'm like oh you're fucking organized as fuck yeah she's like yes I'm serious I have a

friend who her notes are color-coded she has it like color-coded jokes that like really work jokes that need some work on them brand new jokes and then like certain parts of the joke are color-coded differently and i'm like my brain does not work like that does she use highlights or she she does it on her computer and phone yeah and then like when she's doing a show i think she just like transfers what she wants to do into the notebook oh interesting yeah well everybody's got their own interesting way of doing it ron Funch said something really interesting. I heard. I listened to the pod. Ron was like, write what you love, you hate, and then what you fear. I was like, oh. And I texted him after the podcast. I go, I ask that question all the time. Like, what's your process? Rarely do I get an answer that makes me go, oh, I'm going to implement that. And so I told him that. I mean, I know it's probably a standard writing exercise,

but I wasn't aware of it. Yeah, it's probably just a great way to really figure out your perspective on things and figure out your point of view and the angle that you want to take. For a bit, it seems like the perfect combination because you always want to combine those three things. What scares the fuck out of me, what I love, and what I hate. Those things are awesome together.

That really is comedy. It's a very smart way to write. I was like, that made a big difference. I just can't wait until it fucking opens up again. I know. I feel like I'm in retirement. I'm like, do I go to Palm Springs? Well, I was saying to people like you,

you're in the middle of your development. This is when the party's happening this is when everything's rocking and rolling and you get shut down right i was saying the chapelle lacey the same thing like here you are in the middle everything's starting to rock and roll and kicking up and you're starting to do sets and it's picking up and it's picking up and it's picking up and all of a sudden boom i know i was i did my first headlining show and then i was on my way to do my second headlining weekend in Denver at Comedy Works. And then the day that I got there, things got really crazy, and they were talking about the L.A. lockdown.

And I was like, I don't know what that means. I can't do the rest of the shows here. So then I flew home, canceled the rest of the shows. Oh, you were worried that they were going to lock down where you can't fly in. Yeah, I think I texted you. I was like, I don't know what to do. Like, I'm already here. I feel bad. Canceling. Like, I don't know. It's one of those things where where it was, it was really obvious that everything was going to cancel.

Because we were at the store, and I was supposed to do the main room. And I think I was doing the main room. I think it was more than one show. It might have been two nights. Yeah, I was supposed to host. Yeah. And then they called me up, and they said,

hey, the state is putting a, they're making a limitation. So you can only have 200 people in a room. And obviously the main room is bigger than that. So we're going to shut the shows down. I'm like, yeah, that's probably a good idea. And they're like, do you, would you rather do the OR? We'll move your show to the OR and move as many people there as you can. And I'm like, I don't know if we should do shows. I was like, what do we do, what if we all get sick?

Yeah. You know, and that was in the early days when no one knew what it was and what's going to happen to us. I was in Vegas. I think it was like first week of March. That was the last time we had a Vegas show with a live audience. And it was this packed T-Mobile arena. And I remember thinking

like, this feels weird. Like people were on the plane. Some had masks, some didn't. This guy wanted to shake my hand. And I was like, I'll shake your hand. He's like, you sure? I'm like, yeah, I'm still shaking hands. It was like March 7th or something like that. Crazy. Yeah. Here we are. I think it's been like so unorganized with how to handle it. And that's why I think there's so much like resistance towards doing things now. Well, it's like they didn't know.

No one knew. Yeah. It's, I was saying this on the podcast the other day. When you become a governor, you don't become a governor because you pass a bunch of tests that show that you accurately know how to handle each and every situation. You become a governor because you're popular. You win a popularity contest. You back the right bills. You say the right things. You got the best hair. And people are like, I like them. Let's see if he could run shit. And then something like this happens and you realize like, oh, these motherfuckers, they don't know what they're doing. This is just guesswork. And they're like, we're going on science. No, you're not. Yeah, stop saying that

You're not going on side because if you were you'd be telling people to take vitamin D You'd be telling people to take zinc you'd be telling people large doses of vitamin C You'd be handing that shit out You'd be on every corner people be able to get vitamin D vitamin C and zinc you pass it out You know, you don't know what you're doing. Is that the magic? That's a big combination vitamin D Vitamin C and zinc the but the virus apparently has a big combination vitamin d vitamin c and zinc the virus apparently has a very difficult time replicating in your system when you have all those things and this is all

they don't know why they don't exactly know what's the what the deal is but there's some direct evidence that points to that including a bunch of studies that have been done on people that are in the icu or more than 80 of them the ic ICU have low levels of vitamin D, insufficient levels of vitamin D. Only 4% have sufficient levels. Is vitamin D the sun one? Yes. Okay. That's the one that we have a real problem with.

I've been going to the beach a lot. Well, that's good. You need to take it too, though, unfortunately, because we're really supposed to be outside all day. All this house shit, that's not really, nature doesn't know what we're doing. Nature's like, why are you bitches, where's your son? Like, we're designed to get sun all the time. I always think about your joke. You know when there's certain people,

I've told you this before, but there's certain jokes that just always stand out to you, like you always just kind of like think about them. The joke about houses and how underwater there's no houses there's nowhere to hide oh yeah yeah yeah that's the the most dangerous neighborhood yeah the world is the ocean yeah because there's no indoors but it's so true it's like houses are such a weird concept like obviously they make sense but like it is a weird concept to be like this is my safe space don't enter there's locks on the door at my own bedroom in my house so the people in my house can't come in.

Well, that's why human beings have figured out a way to manipulate the entire world. Whereas people in the ocean, like dolphins, ocean people, they never figured it out. They never rest. They're always, ah, shark, ah, octopus, ah. They're always just running away from shit. Yeah. They never have a chance to sit down and close the door and go, what the fuck am I doing with my life?

Like, that's what you have when you have a living room and a gun. You can shut the door and you feel a little bit safe and you can start thinking about things. Like, people had to develop weapons and they had to develop housing. Yeah. They had to develop shelter. They had to figure out where to stockpile food and that's how we figured out how to become human. But until then, we were basically like the smartest animals.

We were the animals that figured out how to use tools. And now we're just dumb. Now we're just soft. Jelly. Little fucking bags of water. I don't drink enough water. Why not? I don't know.

It's free. I know. Drink it. I'm going drink enough water. Why not? I don't know. It's free. I know. Drink it. I'm going to just stockpile all these. Make a deal with your mom. You drink water. I'll stop smoking cigarettes. Yeah.

I mean, she's going to listen to this episode, so. Will she? Oh, my God, yeah. She's jazzed. Well, your mom's a very nice lady. I know. I met your mom. She wanted to say thank you.

Oh, I love her. She's great. She's sweet. Stop smoking, lady. Yeah, Jennifer. While I'm smoking weed. Stop wanted to say thank you. Oh, I love her. She's great. She's sweet. Stop smoking, lady. Yeah, Jennifer. While I'm smoking weed. Stop smoking. Yeah.

Jennifer. Jenny. Get it together. Both of my parents work together. I think it's so funny. They've been divorced since I was like five or six, and they have the same job. That's funny. Every once in a while, they'll work together and send a selfie to me and my sisters.

There was something that I tweeted today that says marijuana stops people from getting COVID. That can't be real. It was going around early. I'll see if it's the same thing that was happening. I bet Tommy Chong wrote it under a pen name. That's probably fake. So when do you decide to pull out the real cancer-causing cigarette and leave the Juul alone? Me?

Yeah. When do I stop it all? No, sometimes you smoke cigarettes. May 18, 2020. New Canadian study reportedly says marijuana may prevent the coronavirus. Aha! Yeah, it said that they had like one strain of a sativa, I believe. I remember reading this back then that might have some...

I don't know if I believe that. Let's study this, though. Please study it. This is probably dumb, but when you smoke anything, marijuana, cigarettes, whatever, does that go into your bloodstream or just your lungs? It goes into your bloodstream

from your lungs. Strong objection to the believed treatment has been extended to the source for Dr. Kovalec's report. Who wrote this, actually? It's posted in the source blog magazine. Oh, okay. I understand.

Not like the source. But strong objection. Look at that. Look at the post that says at the bottom again. Go back to the bottom part. Strong objection to the believed treatment has been extended to the source for Dr. Kovlux. But that doesn't mean anything. Why does it say Shabby Allah at the bottom? I don't know.

Yeah, I mean, someone reached out and said that's not true. About the author? That's the author's name, I guess. No, no, no. It means someone. Well, it says about the author, Shabby Allah. That's what she's talking about. Oh, that's their name.

I was saying this. I know. We're talking about different things. But it says strong objection to the believed treatment has been extended to the source for Dr. Colville Chuck's work. But strong objection, what was the objection? And who is it from? And like, why would you just, that one sentence is like a weird sentence.

Yeah, I don't know. Isn't it weird to put that at the end of a thing? Strong objection to the belief treatment? So it's pretty much saying like, this is not real. Well, it's not saying that though. It's saying someone's strong objection to the belief treatment has been extended. That's what it's saying. So someone objected, but they're not saying who objected. They're not saying

what they said. Is that kind of like nine out of ten doctors recommend this and there's that one doctor who's like, mmm Colgate, not for me. That's maybe who he is. Maybe it's Dr. Colgate. Okay, Jamie's Googling it. Turn on the fan. It got posted like clickbait

when it first came out. So that's like people were like oh, okay, yeah, yeah the weed heads everyone wants weed to be the fucking thing. Of course they do. Do you think that's real? No. You think it's real? No I don't. No it doesn't sound right. Can you turn the fan on please? We have a fan that sucks

all the smoke out of here so you don't have to think about it. Ready? Here it goes. We thought of everything. I know. It just sucks it out of it out you really have this all down to a science how many years has it been since you first started 11 11 yeah i love doing this playing the game of how old was i you were a baby i was a baby yeah i think i was like in high school yeah yeah weird no tiktok back then though huh what a shame i know you could have been a tiktok superstar maybe you would have got started being professional tiktokers because some people who are just

professional tiktokers they actually make a living oh yeah talking oh yeah a good living too dancing yeah just fucking tiktok yeah it's all the rage so what happens how do you get money uh you i think you reach enough followers and likes where companies start coming in and being like, we can profit off of putting something in your video and making money off of you. And then apparently, you know, they have enough talent to be in like Super Bowl commercials and whatever. So you... I really like TikTok. I know you do.

I can tell. Oh my God, this guy has 79 million. This is the girl. It's the top girl in there. Who is it? Oh, you got... She got it with, again, like... That's Charli D'Amelio.

Seven months, something like that? Within seven months, she got 79 million. And she's like 16, 15, 16? Her sister has a bunch of followers in her YouTube channel. They have a makeup line. Dude. It went. First of all, I apologize for calling her a dude because all i saw was the

number yeah yeah i don't know why i assumed it was a guy probably because i'm sexist but that uh that one in the beginning that first video that you just played i don't know the first one to the left where she's tick-tocking where she's dancing and moving like in the future right if you were watching a movie where that was made in like the 1980s about how fucked up the world would be in 2020. Yeah. And this was like something that just millions and millions and millions of people would be into. Just seeing people do this. But here's the thing with TikTok.

Sure, everyone knows about the dancing and the lip-syncing and whatever. But the thing that I like about TikTok is that your main feed is based on videos you like. So if you're not liking dance videos, you're not going to see dance videos on your feed. Oh, what will you see? And it's not based on people you follow. This is how old I am

and how little I know about TikTok. No, I love this. I thought it was all people doing this. No, I finally get to teach Joe something. They don't? You haven't seen Christina Pazichki's curations? No. She has a whole different version of what TikTok what tiktok oh my god her tiktok algorithm scares the shit

out of me what does she do on tiktok she doesn't she has a tiktok she posts a lot of like ymh clips on there and stuff but she posts what her feed looks like on her stories on instagram and it'll be like the most country like bumpkin type of people, no teeth, like kissing their brothers and sisters. Like it's wild. Is that because of stuff she posts or? It's because of the stuff that she likes. I think she likes that weird, like deep, like Southern part of TikTok.

That's funny. Well, they love absurd shit. Oh, I know. Your mom's house is such a good podcast, first of all. It's so good. It's the two of them together. You got two literally of the best stand-up comedians on earth that happen to be married to each other. And one of the only arguments, other than like there's a few other, like Moshe Kasher and Natasha Leggero.

That is a great example of two really talented, really funny, really smart people that it actually works as a marriage. Yeah. But you don't get too many of those. You get like Rich Voss and Bonnie McFarlane. Yeah. That's a good example. of two really talented, really funny, really smart people that it actually works as a marriage. But you don't get too many of those. You get like Rich Voss and Bonnie McFarlane. That's a good example. Both fucking hilarious. Both really smart. Don't you just want to like spy on them?

I always want to like go to their house and be like, what do you guys do when you're not like... They're just funny. I know. They're funny with each other too. Their podcast, I don't know if they still do it. Are they still doing that podcast? It was on Sirius. I'm calling it Their podcast, I don't know if they still do it. Are they still doing that podcast? It was on Sirius. I'm calling it a podcast, but it was on satellite radio. I remember stopping in the parking lot once at Disneyland and listening to it. I had to go inside. I

had to go get something from the car. My wife hates me it still on is it on um sorry this is so disjointed this is a podcast this says it's on the riot cast network which i think the newest episode came out last month so is it on itunes and all that stuff too seems like it yeah i don't know um but anyway i remember parking in my car and not and just the i just sat in the car for five minutes listening to how how the story finished Yeah, there's two of them together like rich is like one of the best guys ever at taking a joke He's like when on the opie and Anthony show like he was Fantastic at going with it and taking a joke and then when they would fuck with each other like rich Voss comes from this old School, New York City stand-up world where there's always some shit going on in the crowd.

There's always some people that are causing a ruckus. He's just a master at handling shit like that. Just so relaxed, under pressure, and working the crowd. Rich Voss is a master crowd work guy. And like Big Jay Oakerson. Masterful. It's such a skill outside of stand, a master crowd work guy. And like Big Jay Oakerson. Masterful. It's such a skill.

Big Jay's a master. Oh, yeah. Outside of stand up. Like, just jokes. Yeah. Did you see what happened to Big Jay last night? Yeah. Who fell off the stage?

He got yanked off the stage. What happened? It said that he was like talking shit to some girl, like a girl in the crowd, and that was the boyfriend. He got pissed. What? Like fucking yanked him off. That's what happened?

That's what I read. I mean, I already- Is he okay? I think so. Dude, that looked horrible. He's a funny fucking dude. Big Jay's very funny. His stand-up comedy album is excellent.

It's really funny. Yeah. That's like one of those skills that I'm like, what? He's a great storyteller, too. You know? Oh, that's funny. Thank you all. All the well wishes. As you you can see i'm all good

mad chilling oh my god he's funny those guys all those legion of skanks guys they are they're doing like comedy for savages oh yeah only savages yeah just even the name legion of skanks you know it's a crowd. But it's like they're embracing it. Have you ever gone to a skank fest? I have not. I was supposed to, but then Corona hit. Lots of smells. Lots of smells.

Lots of smells. That's what stands out to me. God damn, comedy. And I went once when I was in New York. I did some shows, and it was like they did it in the dead heat of summer. So everyone's sweating. everyone has hair everywhere and it was just the smelliest event but the most fun you know their fans are like so into it and they're like so down for a good time I think that's why I like the rave crews because everyone's just so down well it's also people that are just shirking

all responsibility this is it and just having fun. Okay, so here, Jay's on stage. The guy kick him off the stage? I think that was Louis J. Gomez watching. Oh, the guy grabbed his leg. Wait, one more time. There's a guy grabbing his leg and pulling

him off the stage. Oh, shit. You can get really hurt like that. Yeah, that's fucked. Oh, my God. I don't know what he said to the stage. Oh, Jesus. You can get really hurt like that. Yeah, that's fucked. Oh, my God. I don't know what he said to the dude. I mean, that wasn't public. But there's no excuse for that, sir. Have you ever been beat up performing?

No, I have not. It's always possible. Do you kind of like almost, not when you're performing, but do you almost like want a fight to initiate so you can like prove your skills? No. No. I do.

No. No. I don't want anybody to get hurt. Oh, my gosh. I just want to have fun. I almost got into a fight at the park. I started skating during lockdown. Skateboarding.

Yeah. Any good? You know, I've gotten better. Are you shredding? I'm shredding. I'm fucking ripping it up out there. Is that a section of TikTok? I do put it on TikTok. You do? Yeah. none of my videos go viral i'm too old maybe if i was

skating and dancing at the same time it would work it's like age on tiktok is like there's there's a certain age i would imagine where it gets cool again like when you're your 90 year old grandma's on tiktok like that's cool that. There's like 90-year-old grandmas who their grandkids are telling them what to do. But like guys my age, 53-year-old guys TikTok dancing? They're on there. And it's frightening. No. No, they're doing this stuff?

Yes. Now, where did this come from? Where did this TikTok-y movement? Honestly, it's the dumbest. Because there's like that girl, Charlie, who has so many fans. She like is a dancer, like she grew up dancing, so she knows how to dance. But TikTok like warps your brain into doing the most like bare minimum type of dances. It'll be like they'll do a song and in the song it'll say like my heart beats.

And then the dance is like you're pretty much doing like interpretive dance and then making it a trend you know it's not like skilled dancing where you're like wow it's just like who would have ever thought that that interpretive dance like what like i've got an app uh i want to put on the app store guys i'm telling you this is going to be huge well what is it it's interpretive dance yeah get the fuck out of my office why do you keep bringing these morons in here no one wants to do interpretive dance. There's a market for it. My heart beats.

And then this is what I don't like about TikTok is that there's these young, everyone's on it. And there's young people, there's old people. But like there'll be songs that are like, yeah, suck my dick and blah, blah, blah. And then the dance to that is like you're putting your hand above where a dick would be and then you're doing like a bouncing motion and there's like 13 year old girls doing this and i'm just like ah there's there's creepy people and i want to like i want to stop it but you can't and i've also been like you know i've been a middle schooler on weird websites where there's like creepy dudes.

Like there's this website called Omegle and you can talk to complete strangers. It's kind of like chat roulette. And I was on that when I was in middle school. And like now that I'm an adult, I'm like, why was I ever on there? You know who does those kind of stings where they play, pretend that they're a little kid and then set people up? Yeah. Set up pedophiles. Shaquille O'Neal.

What? Yes. Wait, he dresses like a girl? No, he goes on chat rooms and pretends he's a young girl. Like for fun? No, to catch pedophiles. Whoa. Yeah, he was telling me he did that.

He's like a legit sheriff's deputy. Okay. Yeah, where is Shaquille O'Neal? He's like a sheriff's deputy or something. I don't know if he still is. And he's also a DJ? He's also the biggest human I've ever met in my life. He's so big. He did Fear Factor with me and it was like me

like I was with my dad. I was like a six year old with his dad. He's so big. He's like, three, two, one, go! He has to have a huge dick right even if it's regular size he's so big it has to be ridiculous yeah when he did that he was still uh and in the nba that was in 2005 in roanoke virginia but he is a resident in georgia where he is an honorary deputy in clayton county yeah so honorary, that's like being an honorary graduate student from USC.

Yes. It's not totally legit. He's not like, you know, whipping out a pistol and driving down the freeway. You probably have to do something. Yeah. And I think it allows you to carry a gun a lot of places you couldn't ordinarily. He said he's actually going to run for sheriff. Oh, shit.

But this was a couple years ago, so this would be now. He's a super nice guy. He's so big, though. Yeah. It's interesting that a guy that big is actually too big for fighting. Because the UFC doesn't have a super heavyweight weight class. Look at the size

of him! Oh my god! His head looks so small. It's because he's far away. Does a guy who makes him look small? Yeah, I'll show you a picture of it. Oh my god, his head looks so small It's far away There's a guy who makes him looks yeah, I'll show you a picture. That's yeah, that's ridiculous Yeah, humans come in all sorts of sizes. We're like dogs Yeah, you know that's I like going to the spa like the Korean spa cuz you get to see everyone naked and you're like Oh my buddy's not that weird. What's that gentleman? Ming-yang me and how tall is y is Yao seven seven seven six somewhere in there that is

crazy damn seven seven from China he made China big huge in the NBA and this is him and the smallest guy in the NBA five wow that guy's so cute that's's crazy. He's so enormous. Genetics are weird. I mean, it's interesting that he's Chinese, like, because there's a bunch of really tall guys from China, right? A few. There's quite a few. Like, when did that start? When did dudes from China start being giant?

And coordinated? I don't know. You know what I'm saying? I mean, like, if you look at like specific body types there's like places that you recognize as having like enormous body that's why i was saying that because they're they're and coordinated i added because uh it would be going to like scouting and recruiting because you would have to there's a movie shack was in called blue chips in the 90s that like you went and found the guy and then which is what they do in the nba now you can make some guy from like africa for instance who doesn't know how to play

like the antetokounmpo brothers who came from africa went to greece tall giant skinny uncoordinated but have athletic ability way more than anybody could ever do so if you can get them to shoot a little bit get them practicing shooting you can be the best basketball players of all time, which you're seeing actually right now with one of them. He's only like 24, and he is, they call him the Greek freak. He's an insane basketball player. And his little brothers are now getting recruited and put on every team. Interesting.

If you find somebody deep in wherever, I don't know where they're finding people in China, but there's probably some people deep in Russia or who knows where. Yeah, I wonder what that is, though. What is it about a certain group of people? When you see people from Iceland and those giant strongman competition dudes, so many of them are from Iceland.

But that makes sense. Look at the size of that dude with the rock. The rock is so big. You don't realize how ridiculous that picture is unless you've actually been around the rock. Are you guys friends? I know him. I've met him.

But you're not like, what's up, bro? I mean, I hug him when I see him just because I respect him. I love him a lot. Is he tall? He's enormous. He's like 6'9". Oh, really? He's so big.

He's a cartoon. You meet him, you're like, how are you a real thing? He's so big. He's so jacked, too. What a crazy career trajectory. Listen, that guy works hard he works hard when you look at someone like the rock are you like i need to step my game yes always always look at that what the fuck is that look at his body that's too much no no no that's the right amount six six i like scrawny little like dude he's so and he wears

cowboy boots too or some shit. He's so big. But he's also like insanely disciplined. He's not just an enormous human being from just being born big. He's insanely disciplined. Yeah. I mean, you follow his Instagram feed, you feel really fucking lazy. Back up that up one.

Back up where you were, where you just were. There was a grid of images oh my god yeah seriously scroll down to that one where he doesn't have a shirt keep going right there the one with the plate

what the fuck son Jesus that's insane but that's that makes me uncomfortable years and years and years and years

and years and years of grinding that's what that is you don't get built like that. Like, sure, there's some Mexican supplements involved in there. And sure, there's some genetics. But you gotta work to get a body like that. I just don't get, like, but why do you need that body?

Shut your mouth, woman. What's the point of having it? Oh, my God. You're such a girl. Like, what does he need to do? He wants to be the ultimate man. Look at him. For what? What are you talking about? Take to be the ultimate man Look at him For what?

What are you talking about? Take some days off Chill Are you kidding me? He's the ultimate man Look at him I guess He's a fucking perfect specimen

For some people How dare you I'm sorry What are you into like real emo guys who cough a lot? Yes That's what you like? I like weak fragile boys Yes

I want scrawny men who want to be the baby spoon. I want to be mama spoon. Let me warm you up. You want to hold them from behind. Guys who are always cold, yeah. I think I'm sick. Check my forehead. That's serious.

Oh, my God, yeah. Yeah, meanwhile, look at him. See him? You just fucking build on that man. That's a man. That's a specimen i get it you're into tiktokers oh my god yeah i mean it's a crazy thing to be like insanely dedicated to and it's also yeah one i mean the amount of effort that guy has to put out to keep his body looking like that the effort's insane if you ever

worked out you realize like just to maintain that all the time like that the way he does yeah that's insane can i go up here does that kill the vibe no no no no i gotta this is a tiktok conspiracy thing i like read about i'd like to pass it by you and let you know if you think it's like okay if this makes sense uh because there's a lot of like kids on there they figure out how that algorithm works to help themselves get bigger on it or whatnot so they say that if you start a new account one of the first things they'll do with one of your first couple posts is they'll almost make it go viral so they'll i don't know how that they send it out to more people or whatnot but you have a video that then baits you back in so they think it

whereas most people know most people have not had the chance to go viral or have their 15 seconds of fame online so they'll give it to you like a little drug dealer and give you that dopamine so now you come back and keep trying to do it again and trying and trying and trying right and it worked I mean it may or may not have worked but that makes sense. I mean, they're trying to rope you in. The best way to rope you in is give you some success, right? I mean, they're not giving you money, but no one, you know. But don't you think that in a way, well, I guess it's not really comparable.

I was talking about the Apple algorithm they use for podcasts where the new. It's probably similar a little bit because the way you first started. Yeah, they'll shoot you up to the top so you can be like, we have the most successful podcast and we just started? That's amazing. Let's keep at this thing.

And then once the algorithm... It's a weird algorithm. It tricks you because if you have a new podcast... What are the specifics? Do we know the specifics? No one knows. So it's just guessing.

Guessing for sure. That's interesting. Trying things out to figure out if this actually works. It's funny how people like like apple and and also things like netflix like netflix you never you never have any idea what's like what's num what the numbers are what number of people are viewing things it doesn't say it like a youtube clip does yeah you have to kind of guess they they know but they don't tell anybody but it's kind of the same thing in a way.

Yeah, I mean, I've seen people say the NBA ratings are way down right now. These are almost preseason games. A lot of people watch the last two games of the regular season anyway. The games have already been figured out. Next week when the playoffs start, then check the ratings and see where they're at.

But it's just interesting to me when you have no idea what the algorithm is, whether it's the iTunes podcast algorithm or Netflix's algorithm. You really don't know. You don't, they know. When we were kids, we thought TRL was people calling and voting to make the most popular video on MTV every day. Like that wasn't, that wasn't happening.

Dude, how crazy was Rob Lowe saying that he was on the worst show on television, meaning it was the least rated show on television and it was 19 million people watched it yeah that's because there wasn't any tiktoks back then but how bonkers is that yeah and that was what is that the 80s yeah yeah i think 19 million now you'd be for sure the biggest hit on any tv well we decided right didn't we look at it i think? We found NCIS is like number one and that has like 15 million. Crazy. Which sounds like an enormous number.

Yeah. The fact that 19 million, which was the worst rated show, would be the biggest, most highly rated show now. Yeah. That's because there's so many different ways to watch things.

So much content. Speaking of content, don't you have a podcast i do have a podcast how about that segue thank you professional yeah um i have a podcast called resting bitch it's perfect that's what it's called but i made the mistake i didn't know i just like went into it i'm like i have a resting bitch face i have a resting bitch voice like and i'm gonna be doing it on a couch and i look like i'm resting bitch you know right and oh look at that jimmy you're so good he's the best he's the best um so yeah i have that pot oh remember when i used to do shows

dan annie practically annie assaulted me on this episode she tried to eat me out i love her me too She's so funny. She's awesome in that they're doing a Comedy Store documentary. I got to see a clip with her in it. I'm nervous. I'm supposed to be in that. We'll see. I'm nervous. But yeah, I do that podcast from my producer Anthony's house.

And yeah, it's fun. That's awesome. Yeah. But because it has the word bitch in the title, it doesn't pop up right away. Oh, no. Because they try and like put, yeah, I made the mistake. Whatever. Next podcast.

The Ally Makovsky experience. So did they censor that? I don't think they censored it. I just think like on YouTube, it's not going to be like top of the recommended or something. Because of the word bitch? Yeah, but also because it's not like it's the most poppin' but it's definitely a little bit hidden not shadow band but you could just call it resting b yeah resting b pod or just call it your fucking name kid that's the easiest way because if i think like i like names of shows that are interesting but uh if i want to see the joey

diaz show i want to see the joey dia show, I want to see the Joey Diaz show. Where's the Joey Diaz show? I don't care what you call it. What is it? Yeah, Joey Diaz. It's the fucking canoe on top of the house. What? That's the name of my show,

the canoe on top of the house. Is he moving too? He is moving too. He's moving to New Jersey. Yeah. Everyone's going. I give him a year of ice and snow. That's what I said about you. Really? Yeah. You give me a year? Yeah. We'll see what's going. I give them a year of ice and snow. That's what I said about you.

Really? Yeah. You give me a year? Yeah. We'll see what's up. I don't know. I feel, are you keeping your place out here? Yeah.

Okay, yeah. That's good. Good. For now. Okay. We'll see. Yeah. So it's just vacant?

That means like if someone, one of your friends who's like 24. I got people. Yeah. Okay. This is a weird state right now. It is weird. I don't know what to do. I keep debating. Someone one of your friends who's like 24 This is a weird state right now it is weird. I don't know what to do. I keep debating I'm like do I move in with my parents do I stay at my place? Well, it's not it's never a bad thing to be with other folks Especially if you don't mind it and you actually enjoy being around them because this is like a fucking strange time people need help Sometimes people are sick, and they don't want to admit it.

And you got to go, hey, are you okay? And you got to fucking get them to the hospital as quick as you can. Wait, what do you mean? Old people that get coronavirus. Yeah. Are you saying my parents? Anybody. Not just you, but anybody.

Like living with your parents is not a bad move. Yeah. But the problem is you have to be really responsible with what you do. There's a lot of kids that want to live with their parents and then they want to go party. Like you could kill your parents. Like that shit is happening to people. There was a 21 year old kid who came home and gave it to his dad. His dad was in the fucking ICU.

I would feel so guilty. Didn't know. Probably didn't even know he had it. I had a friend I was with who tested positive and I'm like, that sucks because then you have to act like you have an STD or something and text her. Hey, we had a really good time last week. But I have some bad news. You got to get tested.

Yeah. People have done that at parties. They're having these influencer parties. And, you know, they just go buck wild. No mask. Start drinking. Yeah. There was a video.

Like, apparently they have houses. This is a thing. Like, influencers get houses. Yeah. And then a video, apparently they have houses. This is a thing, like influencers get houses and then they do parties. Jamie's laughing because it's like I'm learning about fire. So you hit sticks, you rub them, you make fire, it's warmer. I joked about the Hype House this weekend. I was totally making a joke and she's like, yeah, that's where they live.

I was like, oh, I don't even know why I know that that's a thing, but it's a thing. So there's a bunch of people doing that now. They get houses. Yeah. I was like, oh, I don't even know why I know that that's a thing, but it's a thing. So they do it. There's a bunch of people doing that now. They get houses. Yeah. I mean, they go crazy.

My sister just had her bachelorette party, but everyone got tested before we stayed in the Airbnb the whole time. Um, so I think there's ways of doing it that are okay. Yeah. There's ways of doing it that are okay. You. There's ways of doing it that are okay. You can't be drinking and fucking jumping on top of each other in the pool. And, you know, there's 190,000 of you.

I mean, they're having these fucking parties with like 200 people jammed into a house. And everybody's breathing each other's air. Where's my invite, Charlie D'Amelio? COVID parties are a pandemic urban legend that won't go away oh but that's what people trying to catch right that's what i said just so there's a clarification on that that people don't think well that's that's a different thing what we're talking about is uh influencer parties where they just they don't give a fuck about the rules leonardo dicaprio had a party on his yacht and everyone was wearing cowboy hats and i'm pretty sure he stole my covid

cowboy theme. At least I'm going to say that. That sounds very schizophrenic and probably don't mention that in public. No, Leo's watching. He's aware of what I'm talking about. These COVID parties where people are trying to catch COVID. That's bullshit though, right? Yeah, but these aren't. Remember I was

telling you they're saying there's like these giant LA Hollywood Hills mansion parties that are going to start shutting down. These like these were on tv they had like uh the cameras that are usually doing the high-speed chases they were like watching these well my um yeah that that that thing is weird because the gut the mayor rather is gonna shut down the power and shut off the water to these people right there's a certain amount of houses i think that no one lives in they're just normally rented out for houses, for parties in general. And they're probably, people are just like, oh, we're going to fucking use one of those.

That was like what Belzerian was doing, right? Something like that. I don't know. Yeah. He rented this big giant ass house in Bel Air and he'd have these big crazy influencer parties. People get real mad. Yeah.

That like if you, if you live in these neighborhoods and you're like a regular person with like a regular life and then all of a sudden an influencer party moves in next door. Nightmare. And all day long they're just blasting music and fucking smoking weed and you're like, oh no. Yeah. Well, I remember Jake and Logan Paul used to have a house right by the improv. Yes.

And kids would just show up at their house. There would be like, it looked like a block party. There were all these teenage girls. Yelling out their window. And all the neighbors were like, we're just trying up at their house. There would be like, it looked like a block party. There were all these teenage girls. Yelling out their window. And all the neighbors were like, we're just trying to live. Yeah. They fucked up.

And now that one of the brothers, Jake or Logan, got raided. His house got raided. I think that was Jake. There were guns everywhere. Yeah. Well, he was the guy that was at the Arizona mall. Yeah. Looting. Looting.

Yeah. Whoops. Why people looting is very interesting. It's not good. Yeah, it's weird watching people just steal shit and run out of stores. You're like, wow, this is so weird. It's just weird watching. Yeah, it feels very

like an apocalyptic movie. It does. Yeah. Well, it's coming it comes out in these like big bursts too like what happened in chicago these big bursts of looting and you're watching on television you're like what this is such a crazy virus it's in the air but it's indicative of all these people needing things and being broke as fuck man like not having any work at all for months and months and months and watch the economy crumble with no like you would steal too i think we would all steal if we were 20 years old and fucked up and you're that that's where you live and everybody else is stealing like let's do it let's fucking do it you're running

that store you know there's a thing that happens to people when there's a bunch of us and things go sideways like chaos big chaos moments well there's always chaos, but it's like somewhat controlled, you know? The chaos is organized in a way where you feel like there's no chaos and things are smooth. And I think this just kind of cracked it open where it's like, oh, we can just kind of do whatever. Well, the thin veneer of civilization has been exposed. There's some cracks, and you see right through it. And you saw through it during the looting in Santa Monica. I was watching this guy run around with a gun and he's pointing it at people.

And this other guy was yelling at him and he's sticking the gun at him. And then he runs into traffic and people are honking. This guy's got a gun and there's just people running out of stores, stealing shit. And I remember watching that video going, Whoa, this is Santa Monica. Yeah.

This is wild. Yeah. This is a, if there was a movie and in the movie a disease spread that made people reckless and wild and it made them they started stealing and assaulting each other and carrying guns everywhere it's just a disease that flew through the air yeah you'd be like what a crazy movie like this is santa mon Monica 2020 like fuck you ah Santa Monica it was like like someone had sprayed something in the air that made people hyper aggressive and reckless and crazy that's what it seemed like because you go into like that fight or flight mode you're like I don't know what's gonna happen I don't know where I fit into this equation there's that but I think there's

also something else going on when they when they say that term mob mentality, have you ever felt it? For sure. Have you ever been in a place where a fight breaks out at a basketball game or something like that? Anywhere where there's a large group of people and a fight breaks out, there's a crackling in the air. You're ready to stab somebody. It's nuts. That's how I felt at the UFC. I was like, I'm taking jiu-jitsu right now.

Sign me up. That's a little different at the UFC. I was like, I'm taking jiu-jitsu right now. Sign me up. That's a little different. But I'm talking about, like, lawless shit. The violence that you see at the UFC is the best substitute because it's completely controlled. Everybody has a hold of it. You know, there's rules. There's a referee. There's doctors.

There's trained fighters. There's so many rules. Yes. It's very well set up and very important. But the thing about it is that is violence, but it's just violence in the most controlled and safe way. What I'm talking about is lawless violence. When shit breaks out like a scrap in a parking lot when people are fighting, that's when things are strange

because that's that feeling like fucking anything can happen. Someone can shoot somebody. Somebody can run people over. People generally never run people over on purpose. But they do when they're yelling at each other. Like if you're at a gas station, you see someone fucking run someone over on a YouTube video, you're like, oh my God, like what is happening?

They're going sideways. Conflict makes me so anxious. I hate seeing like fights or any, like it just makes me sweat. Yeah. Like verbal altercations stresses me out i was uh at a it turned into a riot where seven or i think 13 cars got flipped over after ohio state beat michigan one year and we were headed to the national championship

and you could feel around four o'clock when one couch was on fire in the middle of the street that like we're in the hornet's nest Like this shit's about to go down later. And it definitely did. I remember seeing the SWAT team get up at the end of the street, knee knocker bullets, getting blasted out to your guests, almost like what's been going on now. This was like 18 years ago.

But as you were, as you were sort of saying, I was like, actually that one time after the Connor and Khabib fight, I was in the crowd right where that was happening for about three minutes it felt crazy and then like they kind of got a hold of everything and they're like it's fine but like that's there for a second that could have been crazy yeah it could have been really crazy that was one of those moments where the you know those lawless melee moments

that was pretty controlled as far as a lot of things i didn't i wasn't that there's a police around or whatever but just for that little little spot, because I was right there and there's some drunk guy next to me. The thing about that one, though, it was so entertaining because it was two of the best fighters in the world involved in post-fight brawls. So, Conor's

getting beat up by these dudes who are jumping over the cage. Complete chaos, excitement, and so just like, hey, we got overtime. But that's what i think kept people from fighting in the crowd like what they were seeing was so entertaining like you don't get in a fight in the middle of a great fight yeah you get in a fight when you know something happens and then you decide it was just weird i just it was weird i was from i'm trying i was putting myself back in the feeling of like hold on the fight's over and now what's going on around

me this is great oh shit that's the only time i've felt that again where it was just like i because when the cars were getting flipped me and my friends we were not we knew better than to get ow, what's going on around me? This is crazy. Oh, shit. That's the only time I've felt that again, where it was just like I, because when the cars were getting flipped, me and my friends, we were not, we knew better than to get in it. We were watching it. Doesn't it feel like something changes in the air? Yeah. Plus, you could smell the tear gas that day.

But yeah. Yeah. But there's something about chaos, where I think it's because of war. I think every human being that's alive today is the descendant of people who are successful in war. It just seems like war has always been around, right? And ever since the first, you know,

really primitive primates hit each other with rocks and figured out that it's a better way to do it than just biting each other. You know, the first animal that figured out how to start, you know, attacking other first animal that figured out how to start you know attacking other groups and and dominate them and gain success and gain their food and gain their women they just been doing that ever since yeah so where are the people that survive that i think there's a switch that goes off when there's like a riot when some chaos yeah like you got to be like any

fucking thing can happen right now and people do shit they would never do. Yeah. Like something about, it's like a melee button that gets hit. And like, ah! You felt it, right? Yeah. Shit's scary. And this is what we're seeing as a country. Like the whole country hit this melee button. And that's where the looting and the riot.

I'm like, people are way more aggressive with it. I mean, I'm watching people drive different. People just running red lights. Broke people run red lights sometimes. Like, fucking five months! Ah! They just, they don watching people drive different. People just running red lights. Broke people run red lights sometimes. Like, fucking five months. They just, they don't want to stop. They're cutting people off. I'm watching this lady just pull out of this COVID test place and clip some lady's car.

She was like frantic. It does feel like people are more on edge now. A hundred percent. I think it's, yeah, I think like people being inside and this kind of like unknown feeling is really causing people to go through like a lot of mental anguish well and then we go back to the financial shit yeah like they're like how do i get out of this yeah how do i get out of this yeah like if it's already five months in and i know this is going to go on until january how do I get out of this? Yeah, and it's like when things open up and I can start doing shows again,

it's like, but am I going to be doing enough shows to like be sell, like am I going to have to work at a chicken wings restaurant again? I don't know. Are there going to be real shows anytime soon? When do you think those are going to happen? When is it going to be the first show?

When the first real show in L.A.? I'm thinking January or February at the earliest. Yeah. That's what I think. Do you think magicians are struggling right now? Do you think they feel the same way? I think they're killing it. They're out there killing it.

TikTok. TikTok music? Do they have magicians on TikTok? Probably. Seriously, anything you can think of, there's TikToks about it. Is there archery? Probably, yeah. Trick shots could be good on there, yeah.

Oh, there's crazy shit. There's a guy who can shoot a, what's those circle? Life saver. Ping pong out of his coochie. He throws a life saver in the air and he can shoot it and hit it while it's in the air. What the hell? Yeah. In case you want to kill a bug with your bow.

Yeah. TikTok-ing. TikTok. in the air what the hell yeah in case you want to kill a bug with your bow yeah tick tocking tick tock yeah i think january is probably the earliest we're going to see clubs open up here yeah because here we are in august there's no no no chance anytime soon there's all kinds oh archery on tick tock it's half a billion views for the hashtag archery. Oh, that's crazy. Go dive deep. Archery, go to that one right there. Bam, that dude's about to whack that elk. No, he's not.

It's too small. He's going to let it go. What do you mean it's too small? That is a big animal, but that's a young elk. You want a big old elk? Well, you don't want to shoot the young ones unless they have an overpopulation of them and then they give out what they call a spike tag because that's they would call that a spike elk well it didn't know he was there when the elk are horny in particular which is when you

how do you know the rut oh they scream you ever heard an elk scream go to the busy wild uh instagram page if they make the most amazing sound or cameron haynes cameron haynes has it on his page go to cameron haynes instagram page there's a uh a video of uh an elk standing and then screaming and as it's screaming like the smoke is coming out of its mouth you know because it's uh the the hot air and the cold the cold cold winter mountain and the hot air coming out of its mouth and you can see it all spraying in the air no not that one there's another one the one of the fart that's it right there give me some volume look at this

look at it yeah look at the smoke. The smoke coming out of his mouth. All the steam. I mean, how dope is that? Watch this. That's the king of the mountain. That big motherfucker is the king of the mountain. Is that a female or a male?

That's a male. That's a bull. Damn. See the antlers? Those antlers are 100% to let the bitches know and to fuck up other dudes. That's what they do. They kill each other with those things all the time. Yeah.

They run into each other and stab each other with the weapons that nature has bestowed upon them. They grow them out every year and then they fall off. So that, that would fall off and then new ones would grow in a couple of months. Yes, that's real. Damn. Yeah. It's the king of the mountain.

Crazy. I don't think it's on that same page. I wish I could find the page it was on because I forgot to bookmark it, but there was a crazy video of this elk running away from this pack of wolves. And this pack of wolves is just snapping at its legs and just running up behind it and chasing it, snapping at its legs. And then they eventually just swarm it. It is ruthless. Yeah.

It is so wild to see that these just giant ancestors of dogs exist free in the mountains it's really fucking pretty amazing yeah so in north america wolves taking out a giant elk and you could watch the video i mean i don't know if they did it from a drone or what because it was up in the sky and it's it's it's so ruthless is this one this is this is where the wolves are chasing them. But when they get one, okay, here, yeah, and they can run really good in the snow because their feet are like, at the end of them are webbed, almost like a snowshoe.

They have really enormous feet. Whereas the elk kind of sink in the snow and it hinders their movement. Can you imagine? That has been playing out. That war between wolves and elk, that's been playing out for thousands and thousands of years.

When did you get into all of the hunting and stuff like that? Look at how they bite him on the legs. This is how they go after him. They bite him on the legs. Yeah, this is the video. This it so this is where i i saw it on instagram the elk i'm not showing it on screen because you can't yeah the elk is sorry the elk is running and the wolf pack is behind it and you could see he keeps going deeper and deeper into the snow and he's stumbling and the wolves just eventually get him and when they get

him it's ruthless we don't have to watch it. Wolfpack gives chase to a group of elk. If you want to look that up. Yeah, there you go. And there's another one. Grizzly bear chases elk in Yellowstone Park. Somebody posted one yesterday. I wish I saw it.

I wish I bookmarked that one too. But it was a bison hitting another bison and making it fly through the air. That's crazy. So these people are in the road, right? And they're watching these bison walk across the road. And the bison start fucking with each other. And one of them gets mad and runs at the other one and launches him into the air. So you're looking at a 2,000-plus pound animal. And this other 2,000-plus pound animal throws it through the air with its head.

Just makes it go flying. Have you ever accidentally hit an animal when driving? I've hit squirrels yeah did you feel sad yeah cause the yeah you hear them

tumble inside your wheel well and shit one time I ran over a bunny and I was traumatized yeah that's sad that is sad

Ali thanks for letting us know you didn't bring Marshall I wanted to meet the dog yeah unfortunately I'm gonna go shoot guns after this I'm going next week yeah where you going That is sad, Allie. Thanks for letting us know. You didn't bring Marshall. I wanted to meet the dog. Yeah, unfortunately. I'm going to go shoot guns after this. I'm going next week.

Yeah? Where are you going? I think Angeles Forest. Oh, okay. Yeah, I know where that is. Just the outdoor. Yeah, there's a great range out there. Yeah, my friend Toks has a bunch of guns.

Have you done it before? I went with him once before, and I cried the first time. Cried the first time you pulled the trigger? Mm-hmm. In ecstasy? No. Fear? Yeah, fear. In ecstasy? No. Fear? Yeah, fear.

Because I was just like, it was just so scary. It's such a powerful feeling. And it really freaked me out. And then I started to have fun. And I was like, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow. Wow. Yeah. You got into it.

You went the other way. Yeah. But it was like one of those things where I'm like, I'd be fine if I never did, like, I wasn't like, I have to keep doing this. But if the opportunity presents itself. So it didn't become an obsession, but you were entertained. Yeah. There were certain guns that I liked shooting more than others.

They were more fun. It's a smart thing to learn how to do. Yeah. Unfortunately, when you see the Santa Monica scene, you see the thin veneer of civilization pulled off and how easily people can go crazy. It's a bummer, but it's real. Yeah.

Yeah. I just hope it all gets better. Me too. I feel like everyone's so negative. Are you eagerly anticipating what's going to happen during the election? Are you weirded out by the possibility that no matter who wins it could be chaos i yeah i think like what you were saying it's like it's already you know we already kind of see through the government and realize it's all pretty fucked regardless of

whoever wins no matter how good the candidate is but i also think that this has shown us like we do have so much power to influence what happens it's not so much who the figure is or the person wearing the suit. It's more about people coming together and making some change themselves. You sound like a person who bought into all the political propaganda that they're pumping out in the news right now. It's really about big businesses and special interests making as much money as possible and keeping people fat and stupid. And they do their best to keep us uneducated, trapped inside our house with low vitamin D. And then they create viruses and then they release those viruses on purpose. No, I don't think that.

I know, I know, I know. Only fucking around if you didn't get it, people at home. Yeah, I don't know. I think we're just realizing that we do have more power to influence how things go. Sure, we do. Yeah, we have more of a voice for sure than ever before. It's very interesting. I just want people hopefully to use their voice in like a positive way. I think that it's really easy to like attack people regardless of whether it's political or not nowadays with anything going on It's so easy to be like a negative voice when I think that just—

Well, it feels—you feel angry. You know, the anger that most people have is accentuated by the economic situation and the virus situation, right? So even if you are already like an angry person, you're going to be really angry now and frustrated. And it doesn't seem like a way out. person, you're going to be really angry now and frustrated. And it doesn't seem like a way out. I almost like the way people are, the way people are behaving today with all the tension and all the infighting and all the chaos. It's almost like this isn't, it's not even their fault. I really almost feel that way. I feel like most people are so unprepared for something this stressful and anything that's really stressful like that gets you so out of your head. And when everybody's

out of their head and no one can just calm down, it's not a good combination. It's not good for anybody. And the real problem is there's not a real clear antidote for it. There's not a real clear path out of this. That's what makes me real nervous that's why i know it sounds so miss congeniality but i think like if people were just like nicer to each other yeah it sounds so corny but not all the time it doesn't need to be like phony niceness but rather than being like mean or negative or attacking just don't say mean i don't know i just people have requirements and one of the requirements is they have to be able to make a living. Yeah.

You know, and as much as I think that universal basic income, like one of the things is this whole pandemic shit. It's shown us that it's not a bad idea to have a certain amount of money that you have allocated to everybody so that they could pay their bills and pay for food. It seems like we should figure that out. And Andrew yang was talking about this in terms of automation but it's just as important with or more important with this yeah with the pandemic because you don't have any choices everybody has i mean it's like if

automation comes and takes your job maybe you could figure out another job yeah but if there's no fucking jobs because no one's allowed to work then that's the best argument ever for universal basic income because yeah you can't do anything it's not your fault yeah i feel like only fans is like the new trading of furs it's like here's nudes can i make money do you need a great joke you shouldn't have said that on the podcast you just saved that one okay i'm putting it in the bank yeah we have to fucking delete that no keep it in it's funny it's the bank. Yeah. We have to fucking delete that. No, keep it in. It's funny. It's very funny.

People. Yeah. It's very funny. I need any funny moments. Leave it the way it is. And then just expand upon it as a bit because you're totally right. It is like the new trading of firsts. Because I was thinking, I'm like, okay, well, if comedy's dead and there's like, I can either

sell chicken wings, but like, I don't know. There's only so many. I want to go back to trading, but there's, like, I can either sell chicken wings, but, like, I don't know. There's only so many. I want to go back to trading, but there's only so much you can trade. And, like, the only thing I have is my feet. During times of great prosperity, being a hoe is a choice. Yeah. Right? But there's a lot of reluctant hoes.

I'm a scared hoe. On the inside, I'm like, I'm a bad bitch. I listen to Meg the Stallion, Cardi B, Wet Ass Pussy's my anthem. And then I'll talk to a guy on a dating app and I'm like, do you want to go to the park? And like, I don't know. What do you want to do? Even though you enjoy those art forms and people's expression in general, you're a pretty calm person. Yeah.

That's why. Yeah. You like that music because it's fun, but that doesn't define you no how funny was that ben shapiro thing oh my god the wet ass pussy thing oh my god that's a result of a gynecological situation yeah how did he say it i don't even know he like was reading them and he's like well in conclusion a wet ass pussy is actually not that wet uh um ben benny stay in your lane benny boy oh my god i mean i like ben shapiro let me just state this i think uh people get the wrong impression about him all the time i think he's a very nice guy he's a very smart guy but he uh he has his blind spots, like we all do. And when you think that wet-ass pussy is a gynecological condition, whoops.

Let me tell you something. The mass humiliation of Ben Shapiro. I don't like him. He scares me. I like him as a human. I know him as a human being. And that's a problem. You see someone who does like performative work

About politics because part of what he does is funny like he has a mug that says leftist tears You know and he serves you water like when Ezra Klein from Vox was on his show He drank out of a cup that said leftist tears Yeah, and they were actually talking about it like he's like like don't you think this is an age like it? I think it's funny. Yeah He leans into it look he's good guys Just not perfect not like all of us this is a thing like what you want to find one thing wrong with the person and fucking Hate him yeah, and that's just silly yeah

You can still think he's a nice guy and still think it's fucking silly to make fun of wet pussy totally Or it's like I might not like the guy, but I don't need to attack him. Yeah, I'm telling you he's a good guy. But he does have a goofy ass little smirk. Well, he's a professional. Look, one of the reasons why people love Floyd Mayweather is because he talks so much shit. He talks so much shit. He's always showing his money. He's kind of trolling in a way. That's become such a thing in fighting and then well with him he was so good at it because he was a guy who was uh very safety first as a boxer like incredibly

skillful like arguably the best boxer of all time but he he didn't go after guys and just engage in wars he fought very tactically and he's fighting the best fighters in the world. So he has to fight very cautiously sometimes. That's the correct way to do it. But he figured out a way to get people to pay attention because that generally, like being the most skillful is great, but you want people to pay attention. So you want to be like a Mike Tyson guy who knocks everybody out. Well, if you're not a Mike Tyson guy that knocks everybody out, the best way to get people to pay attention is make them want you to lose. Show them all your money. Oh, look at that watch. It's a million dollars. Look at this hat. Look at these diamonds. Look at this. And look at this jet. I flew in a bitch and get shit. No. And you just want to beat him up. You want him to get his ass kicked. But meanwhile, he's the best boxer ever. And so he's

just outboxing all these people and he never gets his ass kicked it's kind of funny i mean if you really pay attention to it it's kind of fun well ben shapiro is that's kind of what he does he's like says things knowing it's gonna piss people off and then they're paying attention to him yeah but he also says some things that make sense and he's very good at debate he's very good at uh arguing with uh uneducated people who just like automatically subscribe to left-wing ideas. He can chop those up quick if you don't have your thoughts dialed in and your argument dialed in. But he's a person.

Yeah. He's a very nice guy. I like him. We're all people. Just people. Why can't we all just get along? Because we're all scared. I know.

But this is the, if I can, people go, people, oh, it's fucking easy for you guys. You're fucking making money. You're a comedian. You're this. You're right. But what Allie's saying, if we could just be nicer to each other, is the solution. I think it is. If there's more camaraderie and understanding and seeing that people like Ben or Alex Jones,

all your fun friends, you know, they're all people. Yeah, they're human beings. You know, I don't, yeah. This is the thing that's like, this is one of the real problems with cancel culture. Like they'll say something like, oh, Matt Lauer's got plenty of money. You know, or, and make up a person who's been canceled. Oh, they're fine. They got plenty of money.

You're not thinking about what hurts. Yeah, it's fine. They got plenty of money. It's you're not thinking about what what hurts. Yeah, it's material. Yeah. What hurts is the psychological aspect of whatever it is. And what we're doing is we're lashing out at people for mistakes and we're saying it in a way where like there's no way you can get better. And this is who you are forever. Yeah. And there's like a narrative that people create they assume that they know things about you and want to create

this story to make it look a certain way to validate their point when it's like no one knows anyone entirely like you have kids you don't know exactly who they are because they're their own little thing you know exactly and as much as you think you know you know something about someone like you just don't and i feel like everyone should be worthy of redemption and and again we're talking we're not talking about crimes i'm not talking about people stealing or murder or rape or or chaos or stabbing or shooting or not talking about that what we're talking about is public execution yeah there's there's a thing that people are doing now where they just love the pile on and it's because there's they're not in a good place like there's so much negativity

i was watching this one pile on where this guy was oh this is from douglas murray's book that's what it was douglas murray's book um the madness of crowds he's a brilliant man an author who is often misrepresented. They often misrepresent his positions on things because he takes a pragmatic, non-woke. But he's a gay man. Gay man from England who's brilliant. And so it's like it's hard. Like they get real confused.

They run into him. They're like, shit. Yeah, but being gay or having something like that makes you stand out doesn't make you a. Yeah, but being gay or having something that makes you stand out doesn't make you a... Well, they have a problem. If he has opinions on trans people or if he has opinions even on gay people, his opinions are... He thinks what he thinks, and he's smart enough to be able to express it in a way that's very difficult to argue.

Yeah. And because of that, people, they get pissy about it. I remember what I was talking about. What was the initial point? Public execution. No, it was before that. People being, uh. Shit.

Fuck. I had a point. Did you take your off for brain? I didn't today. What were you talking about right before that, though? Just about, fuck, people deserving second chances and redemption. And that we're all material things. Like you can take away someone's money or whatever.

They have enough money. They should be fine. I don't know. I have a terrible memory. No alpha brain. Beta brain. I can't believe I forgot the story. What is that shirt?

The hundreds. Shout out to Bobby and Ben. What is that, James? How dare you? How dare I? It's back to the future Ben. What is that, Jamie? How dare you? How dare I? It's Back to the Future. That's Back to the Future? Yeah.

It's Doc and Marty. Oh, okay. It looks like a blob in a lightning bolt. Let me put my glasses on. Joe's about to roast. I could barely see that. Can you tell? Yeah.

Back to the future. God damn it. I'm trying to remember the fucking story and I can't. What are you drinking? That yellow? This is the layered Hamilton turmeric superfood coffee. Have you had any of that? No.

You should try it. Okay. Are you into any health shit right now? Just like in terms of like eating and drinking. Just taking care of yourself. Are you exercising? Yeah, well, skating. I've been doing that like almost every day. Skateboarding?

Yeah. Do you wear pads and shit? If I'm trying to do something crazy, I will. But if I'm just kind of like cruising around, trying to work on my ollies and shove it and whatnot, I won't wear the pads. But if I'm trying to like drop in ollies and shove it and whatnot i won't wear the pads but if i'm trying to like drop in which i'm really afraid to do then i'll put on like the knee pads wrist guards uh helmet i'm not trying to get a concussion are you doing crazy shit like you're

going over the lip and like scraping the bottom of your board. And dropping back down in. No, I'm using my way into it. Look at you. Oh. You look ferocious. Oh, yeah. Like you're ready to shred. I am. You're ready to go down a railing. It's so fun.

Do you do the railing shit? Do you ever do any of that? See, I was trying to drop in. This guy helped me. His name's Chris. He just like came up to me. He saw me struggling. And he was like, here, let me help you.

But if he wasn't there, I would have eaten shit. Looks like you were about to. I was about to for sure what happened there that was just me posted up cross-eyed thought you were injured no so why did you decide that was the thing so okay so i got back to my house had a room that was open to rent one of my roommates left and uh and my friend was like oh i have a buddy who's looking for a place so this guy comes to my house checks out the room my roommates are asking him questions like what do you do for work and he's like oh

like skate stuff whatever he was very vague and when he was walking out to leave I saw my skateboard I've had this board for like four or five years I got it from supreme I like the deck I thought that I was going to be like a skater I thought that everyone would fall in love with me no one did so I stopped skating and so I've had it just sitting in my front yard for like four or five years and so he's leaving and I see my board and I'm like can I resell this like is there any value or do I just like give it to a kid like what do I do with this old board and he picks it up and he looks at the deck and he's like this is my pro model board like yeah and so then ever since then we've been skating together his name's donovan piscopo he's

so tight he's so nice he's so tight yeah he's so tight he's so sick he fucking shreds he's so dope i remember the story this is a story this really progressive left-wing person here we go was tweeting something this tweet storm of like, you know, why does everyone have to be sexist and racist? He adds all these like super woke things. And they said, and just sitting around eating fucking fast food and watching Netflix. That's where he made a mistake because then he was fat shaming. And he didn't realize he was fat shaming when he said that.

And so the people started attacking him. Like he said everything in the most woke way possible. Wait, what did he do? This isouglas murray's book mad as the crowds and then he goes on this twitter apology stream that i think murray said it lasted 15 tweets he's literally begging for his career not to be ended whoa for saying that people ate junk food yeah ate garbage and like why does everybody have to do all these things that are awful plus get fat and like why are we lazy why are we stupid yeah basically that's what he's saying but he fucked up and by saying like sitting around eating garbage food you're fat shaming you don't you don't even realize you're you're being hateful and you can't there's there's no room

there's no room yeah there's no room for fucking around like you can't if if you want to be a woke person like you could get on you can get canceled at any moment because you never know when the standards have shifted they've become more and more radicalized and so someone's saying something that like five six years ago would be like completely reasonable and make a lot of sense the fuck up was talking about people who are fat like you can't do it yeah yeah i think well and you can't explain yourself there's no room to explain what you mean right or your side you know no one wants to hear it people just want to be like you're wrong and you're bad well it's tag you're it it's a game yeah there's no room for nuance no so a person like that like well listen

you really should eat healthier food why are we lying why are we saying that these people eating fast food why like why i'm saying fast food's bad doesn't mean being fat is bad well being fat's bad it's not healthy it's not good for you but you can't but i have good friends who are fat it's like listen people have problems yeah look i'm gonna be i know i know i'm gonna hit like 32 and I'm just gonna oh yeah or you're gonna crossfit you might go either way maybe but my point is it doesn't mean that fat is good for you just because you love fat people it's still bad for you like if you talk to a doctor like if you talk to a medical doctor you're saying yeah it's bad for you yes so it's not good so like

pretending it's okay like you can be healthy and fat is nonsense. But the thing is like if you say that, you're fat phobic or you're fat shaming or you're hurting people. But it's just a fact. Yeah. It doesn't mean you hate these people. Yeah. It just is what it is. Yeah.

That's a problem. Whenever you can't say what it is, like no one can handle it. We're just playing pretend. Right. So if a person says all these things you agree with. Everyone's perfect. And then you find this one thing. Instead of saying, Bob, I'm totally with you on all of that.

But sometimes the people that are eating fast food are just poor. You're like, you're right. You're right. I should have switched that. And that should be the end of it. Yeah. Should we give a person, like when you have an an opinion if you put out a tweet like one of the things i see people get attacked the most for is errant views and tweets but when you have a tweet and you put it out there that's not your

rock solid married to position or anything it's a thought you're thinking out loud but you're thinking in a typed form which is weird yeah so if you see it in a typed form like if you said something fucked up to me but it was just in the moment form, which is weird. So if you see it in a typed form, like if you said something fucked up to me, but it was just in the moment, you said something, you thought it was funny, it was fucked up, that's one thing. But if you write it down, that's a different thing. Totally.

And it's a thing we don't really understand. Like you see something written, like I know what you said, but I'm going to decide that you meant it this way. And you can change it and switch it around and move it. And we were talking about this earlier, that you can even take a thing that would make sense if you said it like like how about suck it bitch like if you just say that out of nowhere and then but you write it down it's like what does that mean yeah where's that coming from like in the moment it was hilarious but when you write it

down and just print it somewhere it's like what is that because there's no tone no context yeah no context so and we're pretending this is what everybody's doing canceling people for tweets and getting angry at people for things that they've said you're canceling people based on the you're you're trying to deny nuance you're trying to deny that people shift and they grow and they learn and that's the other thing it's like i feel like everyone hopefully you're like trying to grow as a person and learn new things and have new ideas. And so it's like if I said something in 2014, it's probably not how I feel about something now. Or I'm fucking digging my heels in. Yeah.

Let me tell you why I believe it. Yeah. I think, and I've said this before too, but I think the real problem is we can't really read each other's minds. We rely on language. Yeah. I don't know what you're really thinking. Yeah. I don't know what you're really thinking. Yeah. You know, some people are slicker with their words.

Some people are better at convincing. Some people have their game down. Some people have manipulated enough people that they're, you know, like salesmen and shit. Yeah. Or strippers. Like people are just really good at selling things. Yeah. They know. They know what they're doing. I was learning sign language before COVID. like salesmen and shit or or strippers like people are just really good at selling things yeah they

know they know what they're doing i was learning sign language before covid i would go to like deaf meetups there's like deaf meetups at starbucks why were you doing that um my grandma was deaf and i never took the time to like really learn sign language which now that i think about it is kind of fucked up that's like if your grandma spoke like Italian and only Italian and you're like I'm just gonna speak English and hope you figure it out I would love to see roast battle with sign language oh that would be a lot of body movements a lot of eyes big that would be a great show that's what Netflix should do if they really want to be inclusive yeah there's more deaf people probably than a lot of maligned people. Yeah.

What is this? Oh, I love interpreters at concerts. That's such an important job. That's crazy. When we were at the amphitheater in the Bay Area, there was an interpreter, and it made me so happy. Look how fast she's moving, though. She's killing it. Because they're rapping.

Who is? I love fast songs. Eminem's rap god. Oh, wow. Jesus Christ. Look at her go. Sign language is so fascinating to me fast song. Eminem's Rap God. Oh, wow. Jesus Christ. Look at her go. Sign language is so fascinating to me. I love it. That's crazy.

Look how fast she's moving. She's TikTok-ing. She's TikTok-ing Chinese people. That's what it is. The Chinese government is tricking people into talking in sign language. I'm on ASL TikTok. What does that mean? American Sign Language TikTok. So there's people who... Yeah. I Language TikTok. You are? Yeah.

I love it. I love sign language. So you TikTok using actual words? I don't, but I watch people who are either deaf or interpreters and they make videos on sign language. But you're learning how to TikTok and sign language at the same time? Well, I kind of stopped learning sign language during the pandemic. Oh. Is it one of those things that you have to stay up on?

Like you have to sign with people? Like you have to talk? Yeah, it's like any language. If you want to get fluent in it, you want to be talking in it all the time. And I don't really have a lot of deaf friends around to speak to. But it was cool going to those deaf meetups at Starbucks.

That is cool. How much do you really understand a person based on sign language? Do you feel like you're not fluent at it though, right? No, but I can sign decent enough. To have a conversation. Kind of, yeah.

But I would have to tell them like slow, slow. But do you think that when you get to a point like that interpreter at the concert, you get that good at sign language you could communicate as clearly yeah but it's the same as any language where it's like i might be like what's up y'all it's lit and you might be like oh i'm older i don't understand what lit means oh i know what lit means is i just thought it'd already gone away i'm bringing it back tight i'm here to bring me off when you're like he's tight i'm like huh is he but it's like if you go to a different part like if you go to a different state sometimes the way that people

speak and maybe like in texas in certain rural parts you wouldn't really understand certain things that they say or how they say them so it's the same with sign language like you can say doctor like this or like this but if you're learning and you only know this way to say it then if someone does that you're like what the fuck does that mean one more time doctors touch your wrist to check your pulse like that yeah yeah and there's a d so doctor oh where's the d d oh wow but when you go down and touch it now it becomes just doctor on your wrist i guess a p that fell over on yeah would anyone there be different like not asl because that's i didn't once i learned american sign language i was like wait a second your french sign language spanish sign language yeah that's a canadian language like how much

different is it it's very different it's very different so if you went over there like you don't even know the language no oh you fuck, you fucks. You had the one chance to make universal language. I know. It's so fascinating. I'm like very interested in like the deaf community and sign language and all of that. Linguistics. I got super high once. I think it was in the tank. And when I came out, I had this idea that alien life, if it wanted to communicate with

us, would come up with a way a like a type of language that everyone could understand like a language that got right into your brain a language that instead of you having to interpret what the sounds mean and turn them into words it's some new kind of technology that allow like as they're making this sound as they're putting out the signal it's going straight into you and you automatically understand it yeah without knowing what they're making this sound as they're putting out the signal it's going straight into you and you automatically understand it yeah without knowing what they're without having actual bob said you guys should come to the spaceship instead of seeing you know what it means without having hearing sound like you'll have to disassociate the idea of these sounds meaning these words you'll just know what it means. Yeah. Oh, that movie. Yeah.

Oh, that movie was crazy. Arrival. Well, didn't they do it, like, visually? Yeah, but it was like, time doesn't matter. Right. There's no sentence. It was all memes and, like. Right.

And it was like, they would spray black ink into the sky, right? Right. What did they do for, like, let me see what it looked like again. Yeah, there it goes. They spray black ink and it makes, like, weird patterns. And that's how they would communicate. But that makes sense. Yeah.

Have you seen the trailer for Tenet? Is that what it's called? It looks so crazy. I've been excited for that movie to come out for a while. Yes. I'm at the lockdown. Fucked it up. I think there's a guy named Ray Kurzweil and he's this brilliant guy who wants to live

to be a thousand years old and he's got this um series of patents that he's come up with i mean he's really like a legitimately genius guy and i got a chance to interview him once a way back but one of the things that we talked about was he was talking about downloading consciousness into a computer and they think that there's going to come a point in time where you will be eternal because you're going to figure out a way to take whoever ali minkowski is and put it in a computer and download it and your material body your physical body your biological body won't mean anything anymore you're going to exist as you inside this this computer inside this thing i've always thought that that's probably what alien life is what alien life is.

What alien life is is something that has gotten to the point where it doesn't need a physical form anymore. Like whatever consciousness is, they figured out a way to contain it in non-biological systems. So they take whatever you are when you're born, but then the thing is like how does that thing replicate? What are they doing to make it, what are they doing, what are they doing to make sure the power stays on? Like what are they doing? I it what are they doing how what are they doing to make

sure the power stays on like what are they doing i think keto probably squats i think life could be all kinds of shapes i think life could be like there was some speculations these scientists were trying to figure out whether or not light could be a life form like there could be a forms of life that or made entirely of light well everything's energy right i don't know if everything's energy i don't know i thought i'd throw that out it would make sense just really lazy but like we're made of energy you know um yeah we're made of energy but what what we think of as life we think of as like a frog or like an ali mckoski or jamie vernon yeah but it's possible that life might be like i thought about ideas like when you have an idea and then that idea

gets in your head like man i don't like that idea and then you you start working to fulfill that idea you build a thing like maybe you have an idea like how to build a thing and then you build a thing like that's a thing that like forced you to make it it's like you had an idea that you bumped jumped into your brain and then it's like listen bitch you need to make a canoe like a canoe yeah how would i make a canoe you take a log you fucking hollow out the sand you roll around inside of it just go down the river and then all of a sudden this idea that pops into your head and you start doing all the work. Now you have a physical thing that literally allowed itself to be born by getting this idea that invades your consciousness and tricks you into making things. Doesn't that make you think that everything's already kind of decided?

Like, you know, you have free will and control, but to some extent, everything's kind of already what's going to happen is going to happen. That's not necessarily true. I think you do have free will, but I think you also have determinism. I think this is something that people have argued successfully where you really have to take a step back and go, okay, what do I think about a person's, who a person is right now? Like if I meet a person and I meet this woman and she's all fucked up and she lies a lot and she likes to do drugs and she doesn't know what she's doing with her life and she cries like,

uh, get your shit together, bitch. Is that what you think? Like how, what, what do you think when you meet a person like that? Do you take any consideration?

Like, Oh, this is a person who is the granddaughter of alcoholics and it all boiled down to genetics and terrible so all of her systems that came online when she was two and five and six they all came online during alcoholic households people were physically abusive and you're hiding in the corner of your bedroom and it was all chaos and how do you know my life drinking when you're 12 like when you get to that 35 year old person and they've gone through this insane pattern

without any intervention nothing nothing switched how much of their life are they really responsible for yeah it's a real question it's like who are you you are the combination of all the things that have ever happened to you your genetics all the weird shit that you inherit from your parents you inherit a lot of ideas they think even from your parents not just like learn from them but actually inherit these ideas and then you do the best with what you got yeah and some people's got is fucking terrible yeah do you think we're living in a simulation i'm too dumb same to to take that into consideration but i think it seems um legitimately weird it does it seems like it changes too much

like reality itself changes too much yeah and things come up that seem like if there was going to be a simulation this is how it would go down. Like, I remember when I first started reading about simulation theory was right around the time where Anthony Weiner got busted for sending pictures of his dick. I'm like, what are the odds? Yeah. Like, that seems like.

It's so on the nose. It seems like somebody was really. So on the Weiner. If your name was Weiner, you'd avoid showing people your hog. Any, yeah. I'm like, this is terrible. You'd castrate yourself. No more Wiener. But if we're going to come up with one someday, obviously not you and me, but someone really smart is going to come up with a simulation.

It's going to eventually get good enough where you can't tell that you're in a simulation. That's what's fucked up. That's what's fucked up. What's fucked up is if it isn't here, it's coming. Yeah. This took me a long time. I had a conversation with this guy, Nick Bollstrom, who's a brilliant guy who is a big proponent of this concept. And he was explaining it through probability theory.

I was a little too dumb to understand what he was saying. But basically what he's saying is if it's possible that someday someone essentially i'm paraphrasing someday we'll have a simulation like how what are the odds that this is a simulation it's more likely that this is a simulation than not yeah you just got to pray that whoever's doing the simulation is looking out for you the other possibility is that we know the simulation's coming. That's the other possibility. And that's why everybody's freaked out. Everybody's freaked out because even though it's not here, it's inevitable.

If you follow the pattern of innovation, if you go from pioneers to people who live in cities to cell phones and Internet and fucking space force and you just keep going eventually you get to a point where someone figures out how to make an artificial version of life whether it's ray cursewiles thing where it downloads you into a computer or there's a thing you sit and connect to yeah there's some someone's going to come up with something do you think we know that we're in the simulation when it happens or we're just like you don't want that yeah no you want something where it's crazy yeah you don't even know you're in it. Like, Oh my God,

am I in the simulation? Who knows? That's the best simulation. The best simulation is you, you have no idea. Oh yeah. You're locked completely into it. So that's where our problem lies.

We don't know if that's actually going on right now. Like for Trump, if somebody brought trump aside like sat trump aside said mr trump all of this seems highly unlikely doesn't it well here's why yeah you are in a simulation this simulation was started 78 years ago and this is the pattern it plays out you you're you're given a large amount of money to uh start your own businesses yeah you're gonna put your own businesses. You're going to put your name on everything. You're going to be the best, the best, the best, but you have crazy hair,

but that's okay. You just fucking spray it down. You're good. You have a few flaws in your life. People are mad at you though, but you're going to be the best. You're going to have the best things, the biggest, you're going to have the business, everything's going to be amazing. And then you come up to them and like you wake them up and you say, listen, this seems crazy. It seems crazy because it is. And you settled upon a very bizarre pattern in your simulation, and this is how it came out. And everyone else is mad at you, but they just don't understand.

This wasn't your fault. You didn't mean to. But then you think of all the things that we counted before, like poverty, abuse, drug addict parents, all the different things that make a person who they are, right? Those are really kind of like factors in if you had a game. Like if you were playing some sort of a large-scale role-playing game, you're like, what is my character going to be like?

Oh, your character's a barbarian. You're in The Matrix. That's what you're showing me. You're describing like when Morpheus talks to Neo he's like hey what do you what do you think but it is essentially yeah it is like that yeah and it is essentially what it will be if we if we're we're staying in this human form essentially someone's going to figure out a way to put a helmet on you yeah or put a spike in the back of your head that like locks your central nervous system into this gigantic computer that starts sending signals to your brain and tricks your brain into thinking it's riding on a horse through the fucking Saudi Arabian desert.

That's going to come. It's just whether or not it's here yet. It's going to come. They're going to keep making things. If we don't blow each other up, there's going to be a cell phone that lets you see God. You're going to call God. God's's gonna be in front of you hugging you giving you love isn't that what psychedelics are kind of like yeah yeah well that could be what we're trying to recreate what we're trying to get to it could be like a state that's similar to what

exists already in nature like maybe they're interconnected in some sort of a way like maybe someone will figure out maybe someone who is anti-drug will figure out a way to recreate psychedelic experiences using only technology that interfaces with your brain and turns all those chemicals on. But don't you think we're capable of doing that ourselves because we're part of nature in a way? Like we're all connected to the universe in some way. And so if we just focused on like, not to sound like Russell Brand, but like if we all just like took time to like meditate and like get in contact with ourselves and like realize that we're all connected in a strange web that we could potentially have that like well that would definitely help yeah and this is the other thing about people that are like angry all the time or

people that are lashing out at people all the time that energy that you put out is not a one way thing that it comes back at you. Totally. And it also makes you feel a certain way. So it poisons you as well. Well, and it poisons the other people. You know, if I if I go and attack you and I'm like, Joe, you fucking whatever you suck, blah, blah, blah, like I'm attacking you, then there's going to be I mean, I know you're

like tough and whatever, but like, you know, there's still a part of that energy, the negative energy that's going to go into you and go maybe for a second, I don't know how long, but depending on how weak or strong willed or minded you are, you're going to attach part of that to yourself and be like, maybe I am bad. And like, I'll just lean into that. Some people do. Some people definitely lean in. If you call them an asshole, they just become more of an asshole. I think that might be the case with Trump. I think if you look at who he was before he became president and how antagonistic he is now that he is president. I mean, there was some of that before, like when you get mad at Rosie O'Donnell or someone and insult people. But it seems like now it's way more prevalent in his behavior.

I think a lot of that is probably connected to the fact that so many people fucking hate him and they're criticizing him. Like his last days, if you think about who he is, right? He's 75 years old or something like that, right? He's so hot. How old is he? Somebody must think he's hot. For sure.

For sure. For sure. How old is he? Just turned 74. Do you think Melania thinks he's hot for sure for sure for sure how old is he just turned 74 do you think melania thinks he's hot no she does what she can what she's got but he's uh 74 years old you know that's um such a weird age to have a president but it but it makes sense because then you learn a lot from life but what i. But what I was going to say is generally you don't live to be much older than 90. Mm-hmm. Most people.

So the last years, before that he's in rap songs. Everybody is like he's got his own show on NBC. Yeah. You're fired. Yeah. Everybody loves when he does that. I love when he fires people. I love when he's mean.

He was the hero. He was like this guy who was like this badass businessman that had his name on everything. And now all of a sudden everybody hates him. But it's like, what do you want? What do you really want? Because if you want to be the top guy, you want to be the president of the United States. You want to be that one person that dictates policy, could literally change the way our society functions. You have this weird power where if your friends go to jail, you could exonerate them.

Allie, I'm going to let you out. I'm going to give you a presidential pardon. We still have presidential pardons. Crazy. Like a person could just decide. They're the president, so they get to do it. Like we let this medieval shit exist in 2020 where you could just decide. I feel like most presidents don't do much oh they

do a lot with it really oh yes they do they pardon hundreds of people there's so many people in jail who don't need to be that's true yeah well that's where people like the innocence project and uh these guys on my show yeah i know yeah um two guys um did you ever get into Serial, that podcast about Anand Syed? Anand Syed? What is that? Serial. It was like a super popular podcast about this girl who was murdered and they put her boyfriend in jail. But the story, it's like the podcast is them going into the story and all the details.

And it's just interesting hearing about. She was innocent? I don't know. That's up to the audience to decide that's again but he was like he was 17 so i don't know part of me wants to be i'm very naive and young and somewhat dumb for the most part and so there's part of me that's like but if he did do it if he did murder his ex-girlfriend and he was 17 and he's in jail for life no option of parole at this point and it's like don't i feel like prison system should be able to have like a rehabilitation process so that way someone like him who might not be a guy's if even if he did it he's not going to do it again. It's like, do you know what I mean?

Let me take a breath. What are you trying to say? If you go to jail for murder, but you're not the type of person who's like, you're not like a serial murderer. You're just like, he was in high school. Maybe he was misguided by his friends. He didn't know what to do. Ex-girlfriend, yeah. But did he?

I don't know. So there's two things possible. One, I think if you kill your girlfriend, I think you forfeit your life. Sure. Because if we don't have unbelievably strict rules like that, you're going to have people doing that more often. There is something that influences people to be good. And most of it is being a good person feels good. But part of it is punishment.

Part of it is punitive stuff. Do you think for life? But here's the thing. You don't let me finish my sentence because this is the most important part. We'd have to know for sure you did it. And I don't think they do that now. So that's one of the real problems we have. And then once you get into the system, even if they know you're innocent, it takes months

sometimes before you get out. Right. Even if you have an appeal, like there's a lot going on there. And that's kind of the thing. That's the thing. It's like, I think that if you take someone's life like that, you forfeit your life. But how do I know you did it? How do I absolutely know you did it? Because I definitely know that people were in jail for shit they didn't do. And until you have a completely just, non-biased justice system that isn't pressured by different attorneys or different prosecuting attorneys or governors or anybody, you just have this like magical fucking super intelligent group of humans that know exactly the right choice and how to punish someone. We don't have that.

So the death penalty and all that shit is like, yeah, in theory, I think you should kill people that kill people. Yeah. And in theory, we don't want the world to be filled with serial killers. We don't want someone who thinks it's cool to go to a park and shoot kids to stay alive. In theory, I'm with you. The problem is when we don't know. Now, if we do know for sure this person did it, like there's video of them doing it. But even video now, it's like, fuck. Yeah. When is that going to be unreliable?

Yeah. But the thing is, like with this guy, there wasn't enough. I personally think there wasn't enough evidence To say 100% without a doubt he was guilty. He should be in jail for life, and then it's like okay So what if they proved that he is innocent, but he's been in jail since he was 17 years old He's been in prison since he was 17. How old's he now? I think this case was in like 2000 early 2000s Maybe 2003 and so now he's only known his life as someone who's been in the prison system. And maybe for something he didn't do. Yeah, and so if he gets out, how is he supposed to be,

how is he supposed to know what to do and be a productive member of society? The event that led to the case happened in 1999. Oh my God. Yeah. Well, that's where it's horrific if someone's innocent. That's where it's horrific. And again innocent. That's where it's horrific. And again, I go back to this again, but we've got to be able to read each other's minds.

That's what they're going to say. You know how they're doing contact tracing with COVID? We need to know who you've contacted, Allie. Allie, if you've contacted someone who's positive, we need to know. And if you haven't, you should be able to go into any restaurant you want. Just have your app ready and wear your wristband. And this is what we're probably going to do with that, too. But then isn't that like...

Allie, you can't commit crime if I can read your mind, right? And you don't want to commit crime, do you? No. Then let me read your mind. Just put the helmet on. We'll all read each other's minds. And no one ever goes to jail unjustly. If your own privacy is more important than all these people that are doing life in prison

for shit they didn't do what because you won't let people read your mind and find out that you masturbate to fucking feet that's my thing I told you not to say that on the podcast dirty feet too I like hangin and clay I just we're gonna do that's what like the way it's a slippery slope to contact tracing we want to keep people safe it's going to be don't you want no crime to exist don't you want no people to be unjustly punished

then let us read your mind we're going to just read each other's minds I think the separation between each other's thoughts that we enjoy now where you can deceive each other you can spin a yarn or be a good salesperson. That shit's going out the window. That's like blockbuster video.

That's going to be a useless thing. Crazy. That's what I think. Okay. But I'm dumb. I might be wrong. Same. I might be wrong.

So, let's wrap this up. Allie, when we do get a comedy club set up in Texas, you must come. I'm so down. You must grace us

with your presence. I think we'll start looking around the spring. Oh. When hopefully this shit bowls over. Yeah. I'm so happy for you. I'm happy for you. I'm bummed you're leaving.

Not that I really see you that often. I'll be here. I'll be there. I'll be moving around. Once it can move around a little bit, I'll be moving around. Okay. I'm still always going to come to the store. Sweet. All right, my friend. Thanks for having me on. My pleasure. Tell everybody your Instagram. My Instagram's not Ali Mac, N-O-T-A-L-I-M-A-C. My podcast is

Resting Bitch, and that's all you need to know about me. That's all you need to know. All right. Bye, everybody.