The Joe Rogan Experience - #1528 - Nikki Glaser

Episode Date: August 20, 2020

Nikki Glaser is an American stand-up comedian, podcast host, and television host. Look for her podcast "You Up with Nikki Glaser" available on Spotify.

Three, two, one. Hello, Nikki. Hello, Joe Rogan. So I saw your tweet. This is how this all came about. And you said you were going to shave your head in solidarity for a friend who has cancer. And then you're like, actually, there's no friend. And I was like, oh, no.

Yeah. Nikki's going crazy. Yeah. I'm going off to the fucking deep end is what I said. Yes. I think we all are. And I've been trying to check in on everybody because all of us comedians have not had our medicine. That's a good point.

We're junkies. We're laugh junkies. We really are. And I didn't realize how much. I mean, I knew I missed it, but I did one weekend in Houston like a month or so ago. And then right away I was like, oh my God, I got my fix. I know. And then, you know, talking to all these people that are doing like Mark Norm's doing shows

in a park. Yep. You know, Burt Kreischer's doing drive-ins. I'm doing them too. Are you? Yeah, I'm going out next weekend. What is it? Have you done them yet?

No. I'm terrified. So you haven't done any stand-up since March? Well, no, I've done stand-up. I've been sneaking around. I mean, I did Salt Lake City. I went out there in July and did Wise Guys because they were doing it really responsibly.

It was good. It was fine. I mean, it felt good to be on stage, but it felt weird. I need to be going out every night to feel really good. You know, it had been so many months that I just, I need to get some momentum. I need to work out a little bit. So it felt like I was getting my sea legs back.

But I had good shows. And the room is just, it's just, they're not seating the room like the way comedy is supposed to be seated, which is everyone bunched together as close to the stage as possible. It's like, it's the worst seated. The seating for comedy shows now

is like a terrible club. You know you go to a club and they don't know how to seat and they just let people sit wherever they want. It's like a terrible club you know you go to a club and they don't know how to seat and they just let people sit wherever they want it's like a shitty open mic when you first started that's the way it feels like now because everyone has to be spread out so it's never gonna feel as good as it felt before with a sold-out crowd and no matter how good the laughs are them spread out in a big room they didn't spread them out too much in Houston, I'm going to be honest with you. I don't know what they did in Houston. They said it was 75%

capacity when we were there, and I'm like, I don't know. I know that's what they say. I don't want to walk around with a clicker and start counting heads, but there was a lot of folks in there. No, I did one gig like that in St. Louis that I felt like, okay, I don't feel good about this. I did it because I wanted to – I was far enough from everyone to feel good about it,

but I felt bad that maybe the audience got there and was like, we were sold a different idea of what this would be because we get in there and we're seated a little bit too close. But Wise Guys in Salt Lake, they did it really – I felt good about being there. I didn't feel like anyone was going to get sick from doing that. How many did they see? It was definitely like a third capacity.

I mean, the guy is just struggling to stay open. They all are. It's so sad, but it didn't feel good. All the loans are drying up. All the relief is drying up. Are there going to be comedy clubs to even go to after all of this? It's a real good question. I'm nervous. It's a real good question. There's going to be comedy clubs to even go to after all of this? It's a real good question. I'm nervous.

It's a real good question. There's going to be a lot less. Then what happens? Because a lot of bars are going under too, so it's not like you're going to be able to replace them with bar shows. Who knows how many bars are going under? I know. Who knows how many restaurants are going under? New York City, I think it's something like

4,000 businesses are done. That is so crazy. I think that was the number. And I read that a month and a half ago. It's got to be more by now. 4,000. I mean, I haven't been there since before COVID, even though I have an apartment there. And I just hear it's just, I don't want to be there. Yeah, I have a good buddy of mine who lives there still. He's been there the whole time. And he says it's a fucking war zone. He said it's terrifying. He said, first of all, there's so much violence. There's so much crime. He has a

friend that's a cop as well. He sent me the sheet of all the things that happened that night and it's just nuts. So many shootings. The shootings are off the charts. Back to the 1970s times when Times Square was a junkie war zone. They had it figured out for a couple years there.

Yeah. Well, I don't know what—we were talking about James Altucher wrote a piece about New York City's dead and it's not coming back. It's a sobering read. It's in the Post today or yesterday, but it's a fucking sobering read because you read it and it's not hyperbole. Everything he's saying makes sense. Yeah.

There's no reason for me to go back there. I've been considering going back just because you don't want to abandon the city that you like so much. And people that are staying there are saying like you own the apartment. No, thank God. But I signed on for a year lease that started March 1st. Oh, yikes. The most expensive apartment. Like, truly paying three times the rent that I've ever paid.

Because I was supposed to have a really good year because I was going on a theater tour that, you know, ended. So I'm out a lot of money every month. And I'm trying to find a sublease. We keep, like, lowering the rent. I mean, it's just, I'm just out a year. That was a thing in Altucher's piece. It said that the New York City rental rates have gone down 50%, which is crazy. I was looking for an apartment in January and February. I just wish if I would've

waited a month, I could have saved so much. So yeah, I've got an empty place there. My assistant's just living there and it's all my stuff is just sitting there in storage. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. At least your empty place there. My assistant's just living there and all my stuff is just sitting there in storage. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. At least your assistant's there. Yeah, that's nice. Someone's there. But it's stuck, man.

It must be weird for her, too, because it's an empty city. It's weird moving around there. Yeah, it is. I don't know what you do all day. Because that's the thing about living in New York is that you have a shitty, a small apartment because you're just out doing stuff all the time. Now you can't do anything. So you're just in a shitty apartment.

So you're just in, I mean, my apartment's pretty nice. I never got to step foot in it before. But apparently it's nice. Same building Attell lives in, I guess. I have had, you guess? You never asked him? Well, no. Well, she just told me.

I think I saw Att tell the other day. So I think he's in there. He might be buying cigarettes. There was a bunch of podcasts that I've done about apocalyptic disasters and downfall of civilizations and like the Mayans and the Egyptians and, you know, asteroid impacts. And we're right on course. But no, but I was always looking at those going, wow, it's fascinating. That's fascinating.

But I never thought in my life that I would see something relatively minor in terms of like the amount of destruction it's done to human life in terms of, you know, it's worse than a flu, but it's not like the pandemic of 1918 or any of these other horrific disasters that have happened. But to see such an effect that it has on our civilization, you go, well, what if there was like an asteroid impact? Or what if there was a solar flu?

How much worse would it be? It could get a lot worse. Yeah. I think it's, I'm so scared. I've always thought that we were going to live to see the end. Did you really? I do think that. Why?

People always go, why? Nikki, every generation thinks they're going to live to see the end and it never happens. And I go, well, someone's going to be around for it. There will be people here when the asteroid hits, hits when the super volcano erupts when there's aliens land when the aliens land yeah or when they tell us that they've been here a while when they finally reveal that they've been here is that what you think i don't know what do you think i think so i think they're here yeah i think if there was an island that had chimps that were figuring out dynamite we'd keep a close

eye on them. Yeah. If there's a bunch of advanced chimps... Right now, we have primates, lower primates. We have monkeys, we have chimps, we have gorillas, and then we have humans. There's nothing in between that used to be there. But what if we found an island and it did have like Australopithecus and, you know, they had, you know, maybe they had spears or maybe they had some some primitive weapons. And, you know, we were keeping an eye on them and someone had figured out dynamite and they would be studying them so closely. But they wouldn't stop them in their tracks?

Why would they stop dynamite? Like, let them watch. Let's see what happens. I think they wouldn't. They're just going to watch us destroy ourselves before they even. No, I think nuclear weapons is where they stepped in. And if you pay attention to the timeline of ufology, when you look at the UFO history of sightings and of like the really big sightings, all of them came post the Manhattan Project.

The really big sightings, all of them came post the Manhattan Project. So I think once we started detonating nukes, they're like, yo, these monkeys are lit. Like, what are they doing? These fucking crazy assholes, they found a spot in Nevada and they're just detonating bombs all the time to see how they work. But why are they just like kind of being seen sometimes, slipping up, we see them them and then sometimes they're not like why what's going on there with sightings why are they messing up I don't think they are messing up they want us to know that I don't think they're

terribly concerned about us seeing them but I don't think they visit that often because I don't look at like I was just reading about this scientific research it was Forrest Galante had this scientific research where they found this mouse that they thought had been extinct since 1968. It's this weird sort of kangaroo-like tiny rodent. It has, like, kangaroo legs and it bounces around.

And, you know, this is something that people will go and they'll study. But they didn't find it since 1968. So how many people are studying it? Not that many, right? Right. So how many aliens? There's a little fucker. Look at him.

It's so cute. Adorable. Look at his little anteater nose. I know. It's a very... And they thought that this... They thought this guy was gone. Yeah.

Yeah. And now he's back. So it says, imagine a creature the size of a rat related to an elephant with the legs of a kangaroo that's been lost to science since 1968. That's the Somali senji, an adorable elephant shrew, recently discovered in, boy, say that word. Djibouti. Djibouti? Djibouti. Djibouti.

Djibouti. Djibouti. Researchers from Duke Lemur Center Association, Djibouti Nature, and the Cal Academy found that the Somali Senji not only still exists, but appears to be doing well, with population numbers appearing to be quite high. So my point is, how many people were looking for that thing? It was a small handful of scientists. Yeah. How many aliens would come here? How many?

Oh, yeah, you're right. Maybe it's- Small handful. Yeah, not that many. Yeah. come here? How many? Oh, yeah, you're right. Maybe it's- Small handful. Yeah, not that many. Yeah. We're that little mouse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To alien-

I think so. I think we're probably more interesting than the mouse, because obviously we have the ability to manipulate matter. Pretty cute. Pretty cute. Adorable. I could have watched that thing just scamper about all day. But we are dangerous.

We have the ability to destroy all life on the planet. Like, if Russia shot at us, and we shot shot at them and then China jumped in and said, fuck it, it's over. And everybody just started pressing the nuke buttons. This whole planet would be wiped out of life. We'd be relegated to bacteria quickly. What does it matter to them if we destroy ourselves? They need us for something.

This is the question. Why are we so different from all the other animals on the planet? Why? If you talk to evolutionary biologists, there's a clear path between lower hominids and human beings. But it's not a path that you could detail every single step of the way. And there's some giant holes. And one of the big holes is the size of the human brain the human brain doubled over a period of two million years which is apparently if you talk to biologists the biggest mystery in the entire fossil record they have no idea why

because not only is it a crazy thing that an organ doubles in size over a period of two million years but it's the very organ that came up with the idea of evolution in the first place. It's the organ that thinks. It's the organ that recognizes consciousness. It's the organ that recognizes creativity and allows people to invent things and innovation and all of the different things that are responsible for all the crazy technology that separates human beings from all the other animals all comes from this one thing, the human mind.

And this human brain is the one organ that baffles scientists. They have no idea what happened. There's all these theories about, well, maybe it was psychedelic drugs, like that was Terrence McKenna's theory, that it was the consumption of psychedelic mushrooms. And then it's other people's theory that it was what we figured out. Fire. We started cooking our foods.

We had more access to nutrients. And then hunting made people more clever. And so the more clever ones survived. And the ones that had the larger brain size, that mutation was favored. And natural selection favored larger brains. And then we started. Another theory is that we're manipulated. Another theory is that these aliens came here eons ago

and they found these primitive primates and they started genetically manipulating them and they created human beings. Now, what makes it interesting to me is that human beings are so different everywhere. So different. We're like dogs in that all dogs can fuck each other and make baby dogs. Right. And all people can fuck each other and make baby people. But we look so different. people can fuck each other and make baby people but we look so different like shaquille o'neal can have sex with a four foot ten chinese lady and make a baby yeah if you looked at animals

a great dane can have sex with a chihuahua if it's possible or a bulldog and make this like if you looked at a wolf and you looked at a poodle, you'd go, there's no way that's the same thing. Right. But it is the same thing. It is the same thing. So why are we different than dogs? But why is it the same thing? It's the same thing because we manipulated them.

Oh, yeah. That's the only reason why there are German shepherds. We forced them to fuck each other. Yeah, we made them that way. We made them through manipulation. We slowly but surely turned them, and we don't even know how. So someone breeded us. Someone very possibly could have done something to human beings which changed us from these lower hominids and turned us into a bunch of different versions of what we call human beings.

Right. I mean, that's my moral theory. I kind of like that. No, that's not. But it's an odd thing. Like, do you know that most hybrids, like even bass, like there's bass where like a large mouth bass will breed with a small mouth bass and they'll make this hybrid.

But the hybrids aren't viable. They don't become a separate species. That's the thing about like donkeys. Like a donkey... Which one's the... Is it a mule has sex with a horse and that creates a donkey? Or is it a horse has sex with a

donkey and that creates a mule? I think it's a mule has sex with a horse and creates a donkey. But donkeys are sterile. They're sterile. Most hybrids are sterile. Donkeys are different species than a horse, same family. Mules, on the other hand, are a cross between a horse and a donkey. Okay, that's it.

So it's a mule is a cross between a horse and a donkey. But they're sterile. They don't breed. So why even have a mule? Why do we need it? Because they're better for riding. Okay. They're more durable. Mule. Why do we need it? Because they're better for riding. Okay.

They're more durable. Like in the Wild West, they like to cross those two. And then people would, like a lot of the cowboys from the Wild West, like even some of the Texas Rangers, they rode mules. Okay. So the donkey and the horse is with bread. So they are viable to ride and to be a better transport. Hold on a second. How does it go back to where? Which one is it again?

The horse and a donkey makes a mule. Yeah. So mules are more durable than horses. They require less water. They can last longer. Mules gets its athletic ability from a horse and its intelligence from a donkey. So mules were what a lot of these Wild West guys would prefer, actually. Okay. Mules have smoother muscles than horses.

Think of a football player's muscle build compared to that of a ballerina's. Both are very strong, but a mule has greater physical strength for its size and more endurance. A mule gets its athletic ability from its horse and not intelligence from a donkey. Yeah. Well, let's just get rid of horses and donkeys. Mules sound like they're the best of both. Problem is you can only make a mule with a horse and a donkey. Oh, because mules can't have sex with each other.

Right. But we can, which is weird. We can have sex with mules. Yes. Well, no. But we can have sex with each other. Right. But we can, which is weird. We can have sex with each other. Yes. Well, no. But we can have sex with each other. Like, you know, we can have sex with people that don't look anything like us. Yes, and make something that can have sex.

Yes. Like, if you looked at certain people, you would assume that they're, like, if you looked at Yao Ming, right? Right. The giant tall dude. Yes. And you looked at a small man from Ecuador, you would assume there's no way that's the same species.

If you were from another planet and you had no idea what a human is, you'd be like, oh, this is a different thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's not a different thing. Okay. It's just a different version of that same thing. Yes. But like a liger, which is a cross between a tiger and a lion, they don't breed.

They can't breed. They have useless sperm. What about bulldogs and all those dogs that have really- They can breed. They can breed. Yeah useless sperm it's what about bulldogs and like all those dogs that have really they can breed they can breathe yeah they get well they're just fucked they just manipulated them and made their nose fucked up and they come out with like asthma and i know they can't breathe they're always they look so trouble i know i feel so sad for them it's a terrible thing but someone made them that way they they selected for that. You know, and then also, you know, obviously people, their bodies adapted to like people that are really white. Well, the reason why they're white is because people originated in Africa, made their way to places where there's no sun.

And so their body developed this sort of like a solar panel for vitamin D. That's why people are so white. They're white because it's easier. This is one of the reasons why African-Americans have a real issue with vitamin D. That's why people are so white. They're white because it's easier. This is one of the reasons why African Americans have a real issue with vitamin D. Because if you live in a place like, say, Seattle or New York City where there's not a lot of sun, African Americans, their bodies are designed to protect themselves from the sun, which is why they have so much melanin. But it makes it harder to absorb vitamin D, particularly when you're wearing all these

clothes and it's cold out and it's cloudy. So it's incredibly important for them to supplement with vitamin D when they're in these climates where it's very cloudy. Now, how do you get your D? I take it. You're going out, you take it, and you stay out. Yeah, I go outside too, but I take it. I take vitamin D every day.

Like a pill. Yeah, I take 5,000. Yeah, I take a gel cap. It's 5,000 IUs. I take it twice a day. Vitamin D I take 5,000. Yeah, I take a gel cap. It's 5,000 IUs. I take it twice a day. Vitamin D is very important with COVID. But isn't the absorption of D dependent on how much iron you have? I just feel like it just goes through you unless you have all the other stuff.

You do need the other stuff. Well, you need fat. Most of these vitamins, they're fat-soluble. Some of them are water-soluble, but they digest better with food because that's really normally where you're getting them other than D, which is where you get from the sun. But Dr. Rhonda Patrick, she explained it to me in a really interesting way. She said, it really is a hormone. Vitamin D is, we call it a vitamin and you can take it as a supplement, but it is a hormone and it's responsible for so many different things in the body and particularly for the immune system. And when you don't have vitamin D in your system, your immune system is very vulnerable.

Yeah. So they were saying that there's all these studies that correlated with this. They're saying that out of people that were in the ICU for COVID, more than 80% of them in multiple studies had insufficient levels of vitamin D. And only 4% had sufficient levels. Okay. Which is really crazy. Well, then there we go. Yeah.

Take your D. Vitamin D, zinc, and vitamin C, they're saying, are the three most significant vitamins for dealing with COVID. Are you scared of getting it? Giving it? Giving it. Giving it. Yeah, me too.

I'm scared of giving it to my wife's mom or a guest. I would feel horrible. So I'm tested. So much. God damn it, I get tested a lot. Yeah. Yeah. You and I both did it.

That was fun. Yeah. But I mean, I've had, this is my fourth test this week. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because I did the thing at the comedy store.

So I got tested then during the day. And then I got tested again. You know, I just, I've been tested. I don't know how many times I've been tested since the whole thing started. But I'm fortunate that I could have, you know, the concierge MD service. Right. It's, what did you do at the comedy store the other night? I saw people hanging out.

It's for the documentary for Showtime. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was interesting. Yeah, really fun. Was it fun to hang out again? It was fun. That was the most fun. I saw pictures and I was like, oh, man.

Yeah, it was like Whitney and Annie Letterman and Bill Burr and Jay Leno was there and Paul Rodriguez. And we were all just laughing and talking shit. Even Jay Leno's coming out. Humus is doing. I heard him say fuck. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

He's trying out jokes on us, too. Yeah, he was happy to be out. We were all happy to be out. Yeah. I thought it was a TBT, the pictures from that. I was like, oh, the old day. What? That's two nights ago?

Yeah. Yeah. Two nights ago. I miss it. Yeah. They're going to survive, right? Who fucking knows? I don't know how the laugh factor is going to survive. Yeah. Two nights ago. I miss it. Yeah. They're going to survive, right? Who fucking knows? I don't know how the laugh factor is going to survive.

Right. The laugh factor is struggling already and the improv is struggling already. I mean, these people, they're getting loans, these businesses and stuff. But I mean, how many fucking businesses need loans? All of them. They should have just opened it up and let people come if they wanted to come. Let people work if they wanted to work. Wear a mask.

You know, check everybody. Check their temperature when they come in the door. When you go to Texas, if you go to a restaurant, they just check your temperature. They check your temperature. You wear a mask when you come in. They distance all the tables out and they stay open. Yeah. And they're not making a lot of money.

They're not making as much money as they used to. They don't have nearly as many tables open, but they stay open. You've got to give businesses the option to work. Give people the option to work. Give people the option to go out if they want to go out. This idea that they're just going to tell us what's best for us, but they're not telling us what's best for us because they're not telling us all the shit that we were just talking about with vitamins. Right. There's no talk of that.

There is. No one knows anything. I'm getting all of this from you right now there's nowhere it's all you can just one place go and get everything you need to know people get pissed at me for repeating these things but listen i'm repeating these things because they don't know people don't hear it you're not going to hear it anywhere else if you've heard it from me 30 times i'm sorry it just means you like the podcast you listen a lot yeah but the reality is there's not a lot of other sources where you're getting this information. So I try to put it out as much as possible.

And I try to direct people to folks like Rhonda Patrick, who will tell you exactly what the studies are. And she sent me something recently. There's another correlation study between vitamin D and COVID and how vitamin D, the actual mechanisms and how vitamin D protects you. And it protects your immune system from COVID. Vitamin D, zinc, C, but you should take all those things and you should drink a fuckload of water. How many vitamins do you take? Are you taking just like fistfuls every morning? What's your regimen?

I take a bunch of different things. There's a supplement called Athletic Greens. I take that. It's really good. First of all, that's really easy because you just pour it into a bottle of water and I shake it up and I just drink it. Yeah. And it tastes good.

So that's really easy for me. And that covers basically everything. But I always supplement with D and I always supplement with large amounts of C and zinc. Because those are C, zinc, and D are the ones that are directly connected to the immune system for COVID. C, zinc, and D are the ones that are directly connected to the immune system for COVID. But C is, like, if you have a cold, like, C is one of the best for keeping everything. That's why things like emergency and all those things exist. Like, C is just a great one for your overall immune system and taking care of yourself when you're sick. But I just think, like, having levels of all those things.

Like, fish oil, that's a giant one. Yeah. Inflammation fighting things. CBD. I take that every day. I take CBD every day. Yeah.

We have CBD drinks, these CBD kill cliffs. Do you like CBD? I need, no, I mean, I like smoking weed and I feel like I get enough from that. I'm sure you do. You get a lot. I mean, I just quit smoking weed. What? When?

Two weeks ago. Why? you do get a lot i mean i just quit smoking weed what two weeks ago why because i just am trying to figure out my mental health and get a figure out what the hell is wrong i mean that's why i i mean that's why i'm sitting here right now is because i was having a very tough time and i tweeted something kind of crazy that i wanted to shave my head because i really do like i just feel like something something needs to change. I need to do something wild. I don't know why I'm compelled. My hair has been falling out, I think

just from stress. And I'm just like I'm tired of pulling chunks of hair out. It's distressing. Is it really that you're losing that much hair? I mean, well, I've just started only washing my hair once a week. So when I do wash it, it's like so much comes out because it's been a week of just no strands coming out. And you lose a hundred hairs a day. So once a week I wash my hair, it's like so much comes out because it's been a week of just no strands coming out and you lose 100 hairs a day.

So once a week I wash my hair and it just feels like I'm just, you know, that I was in a fight or something. Someone like I mean, it's and I just put it I put it on the wall and I just it stresses me out so much. And so I was like, I'm just going to shave it. And I'm not going to. But I did just kind of want to put out a tweet that just sometimes when I'm feeling depressed, I just need to let people know or just kind of synthesize my feelings through that way. And I don't do it to, like, make anyone concerned about me. But it really meant a lot to me that you reached out to me. And I was completely taken aback by it that you you sensed my dilemma well I know you and so there was something when you were saying also there's no friend yeah I was like let me just reach out to Nikki it was so nice and then it turned into this yeah I mean I when I when

I tweeted it I was just like don't put this out there. I hate when people tweet, like, cries for help. What was a funny cry for help, Elise? Thank you. I try to at least be funny with them. But it just really irritates me. It's like, just reach out to your friends if you need help. Don't put out a tweet that makes everyone worried about you. So a couple people reached out to me like, hey, are you okay?

But it was yours that it really touched me because we don't like text regularly. But that was like it was just such a real like loving text. Well, you know I care about you. I know. That really meant a lot to me. And I was going through a really fucking bad time last week. This time last week I was not in a good place. Thankfully, I came out of it. But I keep getting hit by depression like in a major way.

I've been trying to reach out to a lot of friends lately over the last two months. Just send, what's up, man? You good? It's really nice of you. Just a nice little, just, hey, how are you? Yeah. And a lot of hugs. There's so many people that haven't been hugging.

No one's touching each other anymore. Yeah, it's weird. And no one can see each other smile when they hang out. They're wearing masks. I mean, we all feel so disconnected. I'm living with my parents in St. Louis. My whole social life was comedy. I didn't really have friends outside of it.

The only thing that's saving me is this. Yeah, me too. Like doing podcasts and Zooming with people and doing different, just Faceetiming thank god for it but it's i miss the connection where the fuck would we do with no cell phones and no facetime what the where the fuck would we be with no skype where would we be i don't know just that is giant for me facetiming just being able to like just see people what's up and see their smile yes what's that we do we need it oh and um yeah and it's weird to just hang out. What's up? And see their smile. Yes. Like, what's up? How we doing? We need it.

And yeah, it's weird to just hang out with my nieces and nephews. And they're like three and one. And we have to wear a mask around them. And they can't even see your smile. You can't touch them. That's really bad for kids, too. That's really weird for kids. They must be like, why is my aunt not touching me anymore? I can't hug my...

If I even get close to my grandparents, I hear, no, no, no, no, no. It's like, this is going to be scarring. But the weird thing about it is if everybody's just tested, why can't you just hang out? Like what, what are we worried about? Like invisible ghosts that come in and invade people's bodies. And then you're not, if you don't have it, you don't have it. Yeah. You know. But you worry that between the time you got tested and the time you're not if you don't have it you don't have it yeah you know but

you worry that between the time you got tested and the time you're seeing that person you might have gone to the gas station and touched a nozzle or you're not getting it that way they don't think you get it that way from surfaces i know we've wasted so many clorox wipes just like they've kind of abandoned that have you noticed like they don't even talk about hand sanitizer gloves hand sanitizer no no one cares about that anymore it's's just a mask. Yeah. It's just a respiratory issue. Yeah. It's just coming out of your mouth and into someone else's mouth.

I'm so annoyed. I flew here from St. Louis the other day and just sitting at my gate and it's mandatory to wear a mask on the plane now. People, before they get on that plane, they're just sitting there without their mask on at the gate. Just like- Really? Just trying to stir up shit, just trying to get away because they everyone around you is wearing a mask.

How could you not wear one? You know, that's what they're doing. Yeah, they just they they want to prove that they're not falling for it and they're better than you. And they're it's so deliberate and it makes me sick. And it's it's hard because I want to shoot them a dirty look. But they can't really see how much I hate them on my face because it's covered by a mask. So I really try to squint my eyes just like, you motherfucker. I was so furious the other day. Just people with the loose mask down by their nose.

I had a driver the other day that had his nose exposed. And I just am like, hey, can you pull it up over your nose? It's the only way it works. Like, do I really have to? You haven't seen that meme yet with the guy with his dick out? Like, how has that not gotten to you that that's how you wear a mask? People just, it's, I don't know. Everyone I'm staying in Marina Del Rey, everyone walking outside is wearing a mask, which I

think is a little much just like walking down the sidewalk. You don't need it when it's sunny out. What? Yeah, the disease, the virus, dies instantly when it's exposed to sunlight. Okay, why don't we know that, Joe? I don't know, but Brett Weinstein, who's a biologist, sent me this paper where they showed that it dies instantly, or almost instantly, when it's in contact with fake sunlight, like

ultraviolet light, and also actual sunlight. So when you're in sunlight, if you're outside, that's why closing the beach is so fucking stupid. It's sunny. You're not at risk. As long as you're not in someone's face, you're not going to get it. And did they see a spike after the protests? Yes, for sure.

There was a spike after that. 100%. It has to be. But that was in the sunlight outside. What? Did they stop as soon as it turns dark out? No, that's true. Of course not. When people are saying that to me, I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? Is everybody Cinderella? Oh my god,

I'm going to be behind a pumpkin. So if we can just protest and gather outside when it's light out. But even then, people are screaming, right? It's different circumstances. That's just like spewing droplets everywhere. If you don't have a mask on and you're screaming and other people are screaming, and then there's people yelling at each other, so they're in each other's faces, there's like very little chance you're not going to get some spread if you get what, you know, I forget.

Was it Ben Shapiro said? It was like having a music festival in every city for three weeks in a row. I mean, it really was. It's like you constantly had protests. Yeah. So if you have that many people, it's not a coincidence that it spiked right afterwards, but nobody wants to say it because nobody wants to be insensitive. Yeah, no one talked about it. I remember the protests going on and we were all like, oh, we'll see in three weeks.

And then I don't remember hearing about the spike that happened. That's a fucking for sure spike. That's when everything got shut down in L.A. Everything got shut down. The hospitals got filled again. There's the cases rose. Look, you know, it has to be. Either it's contagious or it's not.

Okay? If it's contagious and you get a bunch of people together, they're going to give it to each other. There's no way around it. It's not saying that it's not a good cause and that it wasn't important to protest. Yeah, all those things are true. But understand that that's what happened. Yeah. I don't think you should stop people from protesting.

But I also don't think you should stop people from working. I don't think you should stop people from going to the gym. don't think you should stop people from working. I don't think you should stop people from going to the gym. You should give people the opportunity to do whatever they want to do. That's what America is supposed to be about. The problem is the hospitals, the ICU beds and all that stuff. Respirators. But they don't even use respirators anymore. One of the things they're finding with respirators is the vast majority of the people that put on respirators died.

Yeah, because when you're at that point, you're not- Not necessarily. According to Michael Yeo's doctor, he told him, if I put you on a respirator, you're going to die because your body's going to stop working. Because it doesn't need to anymore. Because it breathes for you. Right.

Yeah, and then- So it'll stop fighting. And then when you get off the respirator, it's hard for your body to breathe. Yeah, so they thought you needed respirators. Right, that was the big thing. Right, now they've adjusted that position. They don't think it's a good idea to put people on respirators anymore unless they're really bad, like they're about to die.

Right. Yeah. That's life support. Yes, exactly. So now they use more like CPAP machines, which are just, they give you some oxygen. That's what you wear when you have sleep apnea. Yes. Yeah. So instead of breathing for you, it just, they give you some oxygen. That's what you wear when you have sleep apnea. Yes. Yeah.

So instead of breathing for you, it just introduces more oxygen into your system. Okay. So that, and you know, there's so many things that we thought in the beginning that aren't. But the mask thing, it's like, I don't care if you're sitting at my gate and you don't believe in masks and you think we're all so crazy and we're all just sheep wearing masks. Just everyone around you is doing it. Just do it. Just do it.

Just to be polite. Exactly. Even if you don't believe. Exactly. Because like I was saying, like walking today outside and seeing people with masks on, I was kind of like, I think this is kind of stupid. But I felt like out of respect for them, I'm going to wear a mask. Yeah.

Even though I don't think I really need to be wearing it, I'm going to do it. Yeah. So that's all I ask people to do is just if someone around you, if I go over to someone's house and they want me to take my shoes off, but I don't really believe in doing that, I'm still going to do it because they do it. Yeah. Just to be nice. Yes. Sure. I just think the peer pressure. Have you. I've. Early when this was happening. I was like getting invited to like social distance barbecues and things like that when they were like just trying it out. And going over to these things and be under the understanding that we're all going to stay six feet apart and wear masks.

And then you get there and people are hugging and people are close. And you just kind of feel peer pressured into doing it. Well people go back to the normal patterns. Normal patterns is especially when people are drinking. Yeah. They just give up on it. Well, people go back to the normal patterns. Normal patterns is, especially when people are drinking. Yeah. They just give up on it. The drinking, yeah. Like, you know what's fucked up was like the Trump rally.

When he had that big rally, when he had it in a stadium, no one was wearing a mask. Oh my God. And then Herman Cain died. I know. And they were like, well, it could have been many a place he was. Or. Even though it was like exactly. Could have been that one place with 10,000 people all in one place. Yeah. Yeah. But

I mean, even I go into these parties being like, I'm going to keep my distance. I'm only going if it's done right. And then I get there and you feel so stupid being the only one who has a mask on or and you feel it's hard to stand up for yourself sometimes. I'm like, fine, spit in my mouth. I guess we used to do that. Well if there was these tests where you could do it instantaneously and then you know you could just have them at comedy clubs. You just have people take a test as they're

walking through the door. Aren't those coming out soon? The White House has them. Really? Yeah. Like immediate tests? Yeah my friend went to the White House and they test them and you have it in a couple of minutes. Alright well that'll solve a lot of issues. That would be everything. If you just had like a giant, you know, a line where everybody's spread out by six feet,

you test them all on the line. You know, you write your name down or you have to register. Maybe the show is at eight. You have to show up at seven and get tested. And then you'd be there at eight. Like it'd be inconvenient, but it's way better than having no show and then you could go there no one could have a mask you'd have a regular club and have the place packed it's possible i can't believe i took that for granted so much well i just don't you just always thought it would be you'd be able

to do that you could think i thought anything else could happen in my career i'll always have stand up to fall back on well everybody thought that and everybody like how many people didn't have a podcast how many people didn't have any if i didn't have a podcast i would be first of all i'd be bouncing off the walls i wouldn't know what the fuck to do and then i would be at a point where i was thinking like hey i gotta make a living yeah like what do i need to do to make a living? Maybe I need to get a regular job. Like, how many comics are getting jobs? A lot of them. And you can't get a job in show business

because they're not filming anything. Mm-mm. So just... So what would you do? Teach? I would have to... I'd go to... No.

I can't even teach martial arts because gyms are closed. Right. It's like, what would I teach? And if you teach, you got to do it over Zoom now to be a teacher. Good luck. Nobody wants to... Oh, my God. If you want to do it over Zoom now to be a teacher. Good luck.

Nobody wants to. Oh, my God. If you want to get paid to teach over Zoom, good luck. Nobody wants to pay for that. Yeah. Well, I mean, I'm, yeah, thank God for podcasting. Thank God, you know, I'm trying to write a goddamn book. Have you written a book?

No. Why haven't you written a book? Well, I got a deal to write a book once. Of course you have. And the editors were so annoying, I gave them their money back. Really? Yeah. Just like, hey, do you have these pages yet?

Hey, we like just. Well, they based it on some stuff that I wrote on my blog that was, you know, sometimes funny, but weird, just thoughts that I had. Yeah. And, but then once I started turning in stuff they're like we want to transcribe your stand-up because jerry seinfeld did that and and and uh fucking who else did it george carlin and i'm like look george carlin did it because he needed money all right he was broke taxes and i don't know why seinfeld did it they probably just paid him and he said

okay but i'm like i'm not doing that like if I'm writing, if I wanna write a book, it's supposed to be consumed in book form. Stand-up is supposed to be consumed on stage. That's, they're different things. It really helped me though, reading those stand-up, kind of transcribed stand-up books when I first started stand-up to like read jokes and like learn the craft of writing a joke

and the consolidation of words. Like I turned to those books where like people would just take writing a joke and the consolidation of words like i turned to those books where like people would just take stand-up and and write it down but yeah beyond that i from a comedian i think they it's it's an easy way to repeat like when i first started doing stand-up one of the things that i used to do is i would do other people's bits for my friends like i do a kinnison bit or a richard pror bit for one of my friends. And like that sort of got me into like the rhythm of standup. Yes. And then I read that Hunter S. Thompson, when he was learning how to write, he would literally

write down the great Gatsby line for line. So he would sit there and retype the great Gatsby just so he can get an idea of the rhythm of the prose. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I've been doing that recently with stand-up. Like I've stepped away from watching stand-up, but I've been watching it again just because I need to remember how to do it and why I love it. Yeah. And so much I think of who I became as a stand-up started out just like trying to copy people.

Yeah. came as a stand-up, started out just like trying to copy people. And just trying to figure out how do you do this and watching it so much and ending up sounding like a mixture of all the people that I loved so much. Yeah. That's always weird, right? The beginning, you're always like a copy of the people you admire. Yeah. I mean, I still look at some of the things I do and I'm like, oh, you picked that up from Silverman. Yeah.

You picked that up from Gaffigan. Yeah. Hedberg. I mean, you're just a mixture of everyone that you love and then eventually you gain some autonomy and you figure out stuff that works for you and who is truly you. But even my own personality before I did stand-up

is all based upon me ripping off the popular girls the way they talked and the way they acted of course there was one girl that had like kind of a lazy eye in my in my high school who like was really hot and like all the guys liked and I started like kind of like having I would just do it I would just try to have a slightly like... It would just happen because I was trying to get any way for people to like me. There was another girl that talked like

a baby and I would just start talking like this. No, people liked her because she was hot, not because her voice was like a baby. That's so funny. I really am... If I listen to someone too much, I start sounding like them and copying them. It's a real problem.

That's why sometimes I can't watch some of the stand-ups I love because I just start sounding like them. And I can't help it. I just dated a girl who had kind of a lazy eye and she was really hot. And I had like a fetish for lazy eyes for a while. Okay. Well, there we go. She had like one slightly lazy eye. And I just thought it was really hot afterward

because she was a freak. So like I just associated lazy eyes. What was she a freak? She was just really horny. Oh yeah. She was just really sexual. Like all the time just wanted it all the time or wanted to do weird stuff? Yeah, wanted to get stuffed. Yeah, she was just really horny. That's so fun. Yeah. And I was

21 and she was older than me too. So it was interesting. How much older? A couple years. Like she was 25 And I was 21. So you were down. She was older than me, too. So it was interesting. How much older? A couple years. She was 25 and I was 21. When you were young, what was the oldest you went? Did you ever? I think I dated a girl who was 35 when I was like 23.

Okay. One in a couple days. Yeah. But it's usually like you're just getting used by some chick who wants to get gorilla fucked. Yeah, but it's usually like you're just getting used by some chick who wants to get gorilla fucked. It's usually some woman who's tired of like dating guys who work in an office or something. She goes and finds some savage. See, I have young guys coming after me and I feel like they're using me so that they can just like somehow have a story about like fucking an older woman. And I don't want to be that like. That older woman and i don't want to be that like

that's interesting i don't want to why wouldn't you just think they're attracted to you because you're confident and intelligent um because i think it's some weird fetish they have where they like they are they had a speech therapist that they like got boners for and i remind them of her i like there's something i think that you're sexy? Why wouldn't you just assume that? I don't know because I just don't look at myself that way. I cannot. There are certain times where I do feel really sexy and I can feel that way. But generally when someone's into me, I go, what's going on here?

What do you want? Because it can't be that you want to have sex with me. Even though I know I'm an attractive girl and I work on being attractive, it's not like I don't think I'm a dog. You're suspicious. Yeah, I'm suspicious. And you want to know why? Because sometimes I'm fucking right.

And especially since I've gotten a little bit more famous, that happens. And because as I've gotten a little slightly more famous, my self-esteem has risen a bit in terms of just I like myself. And I'm like, oh, maybe this guy does like me for me. And then it happens that they just want an autograph from you. Or they want. Honestly, someone wrote me that today.

And a guy that has been interested in me and asking me out a ton. And he just wrote me today like, hey, I heard you're going to be on Rogan. If there's any chance you could get an autograph from him, that would be so cool. Thank you. And I just wrote back, no. Like, just no with nothing else. And it felt so good. No, and you don't even bother putting a period.

No, I didn't say no. I'm sorry. No, I don't feel comfortable doing that. No. No. No. But that's happened before. So you worry that they look at you as being someone who's got a high profile and maybe if they connect themselves to you, it can help their life in some way. They'll get to fuck other girls in their social circle because they said they fucked a girl that was on Celebrity Game Night playing badminton with Bob Saget.

I mean, that's how I feel. And I'm not wrong. Like, this does happen. There was another instance where a guy got a picture. A guy I thought liked me. And I do think he likes me, but he got a picture with me. And I guess we both weren't wearing masks in the picture. I guess we were too close to each other and he couldn't post

the picture because he felt like it would be a bad look for me. We're not wearing masks but we were like for me I was like we're far enough apart but do what you want and he's and I go he's like so I'm not going to post it. I was like okay that's totally fine and then he's like but I would really like to see you again like I really

liked hanging out with you. I'd love to take you out sometime and I was like hey I just don't think I'm in a point in my life where I want to be dating right now. And he goes, well, can we just meet up to get a picture? Oh. So it happens. Ew. It happens a lot.

It happens. Can we meet up just to get a picture? So now. I just want to let everybody know I know you. Yeah. Ooh. And then what I see is him getting that picture and then going back to like show the girls that he really wants to bang there at his age at some party and he's like I

got a picture with Nikki Glaser and they're like we don't know who she is what is she like ew she's like 36 and then they all make fun of me and that's like that's the thing I have in my head oh no I watched her special wasn't even funny and funny. And I just see them all making fun of me and how pathetic that I am that I fucked a younger kid. I shouldn't say the word kid. How old is he? I think he's like 25, which is not. That's not that bad. No, he can ride a car.

For a guy, that's standard. He's going to love that I'm talking about him. I really want to change the subject. Isn't that the worst part? To talk about these people, then they're so excited. I'm going to get a text as soon as I'm out of here. I didn't know there was some animosity between us. I swear, I really did want to spend time with you.

I think you're really great. I wanted to take a picture with you just because I think you're awesome. I just wanted to document the fact that I know you. There was this guy on a plane a couple weeks ago. And I met him at my gate. And usually when I fly, I just like put on my headphones and like sleep mask. And I just try to stay. I don't want anyone talking to me.

Mouth mask and sleep mask. You're gone. Oh, my God. And face shield. I've been wearing the shield too. Shield. Don't. All their shields. Yeah.

I want to make a statement that like I hate all of you not wearing a mask, and now I have to doubly protect myself, and look what you've made me do. I want to send that message. I love wearing the shield. At first I felt stupid. Now I feel cool. And if anyone's going to judge me, they can't recognize me. They can't even see me in there, so it's great. But when I fly even pre-COVID, I would just always kind of, I just didn't want anyone talking to me.

I've been caught in conversations on planes with people. Brutal. It's brutal. And I learned the hard way, but like years and years ago. Some people just don't stop. And you can never close your eyes. You can never relax. And you do close your eyes and they still talk.

Or you put your sleep mask down and they're talking and you have to lift it back up. And you just have to eventually say, I just don't want to talk. Yeah. Or you put your sleep mask down and they're talking and you have to lift it back up and you just have to eventually say, I just don't want to talk. But this one guy sat next to me at my gate and I feel bad because he heard me talk about him on Whitney's podcast and he felt really bad that this happened, but whatever. But it just, this, I want to just tell you that it happened. I was sitting at my gate. It was a hot guy sat down next to me and I took off my head. I made like my head accessible. Like I kept my mask on, but I took out my headphones to be like, if you want to talk to me, definitely could.

And I did. I said there was like some I don't I don't know. There was a gate announcement that was kind of funny. And I just like muttered something to myself, like making fun of the woman talking, trying to get this guy to like laugh or just spark up a conversation and he was just like hey I'm a big fan and I was like what really I was like oh my gosh thanks I was like what do you know me from like what do you he's like I love your show and I'm like what show and he's like your podcast and I was like oh this guy knows me because my podcast it's like I do it every day it's really like it's like reading my diary I don't even like my friends to listen to it it's just too much so I was like oh this guy like accepts me for me I and he likes it he's like tall hot I can't see half of his face but I think he's cute it looks good what you see looks good yeah and I never ever meet guys like out in public I've never been someone that like has chatted up a guy

at my gate or like on the plane it just never never happens to me. And so I'm like, yes start chatting up and it's like going really well and And I'm flying Southwest. So there's no like boarding order and or no there is I'm like the first to board but there's no there's no seat assignment. So he says to me Save me a seat next to you. Let's continue this conversation on the plane. So I'm getting on the plane. I'm like, listen, I want to sleep. I need to sleep. But I got to find a husband.

And this might be the one. I got to put myself out there. I've been so closed off for so many years. So I get on that plane. And we're chatting. We're having a really good time. He's funny and nice and interesting. Similar interests. And, you know, he lives on the West Coast, but I'm like, I can move anywhere like I'm down. Let's do this. And and it's it's it's flirty, but it's not like there's nothing over the top. But I was just like, I kept thinking I didn't see a ring on his finger. There's no mention of a girlfriend. And then finally, I'm like,

we need to switch this to like a flirty kind of we need to talk about dating or something to get us in that kind of vein of conversation. And I said something like, so have you been dating during COVID? And this is two and a half hours into the flight. And he's like, Oh, well, I have a, I have a girlfriend who I live with. And I was just, I almost started crying. Because, not because I was like, oh, this guy, I thought I was going to be with him. But because I just could have been sleeping that entire time. And I wasted this entire, I don't want to talk to anyone. But there's no other way to know.

You could have mentioned her five minutes in. But why? If he just thought that you thought that he was a fan and he wanted to talk to you. If there was no flirtiness. Why would I want to talk to a fan for that long? Why? Maybe just because he's an interesting person and you're bored. I know. How would he know that you were tired?

No, it wasn't his fault. It wasn't his fault. It was my fault to get my hopes up. But that's too far into a conversation to not try you got you're talking to a girl who you know is single you sound like a guy age appropriate you do you sound like a guy i do yeah yeah it's not fair i'm talking to her for fucking two hours and then finally she says i have a boyfriend i live with what the fuck i bought you three drinks already yeah yeah i'm i'm guy. Don't waste my time.

Don't waste my money. If you have a girlfriend. It's just, I was really ticked off. But he's a fan, though. You are a public person. I didn't realize that was what was going on. But Nikki, you have fans. You sell out all over the country.

I know. You're a real comedian. It had been many months since I had been on stage. I've been living with my parents for four months. I forgot who I was. Oh, that's so funny. And I was so excited. I was so sad.

And I continued the conversation because then I go, you know what, Nikki, why can't you just get to know someone? And relationships fail. He has a girlfriend. It's not like he's married. I'm sorry. His kids are going to grow up. They're going to get out of the house eventually.

Yes. Whatever. You can wait years. Yeah. It's no big deal. I'll plant that seed. If a guy has a girlfriend, I don't. Dig a hole.

Drop a seed. I'm not going to outwardly flirt with a guy or try to break up a relationship. I mean, I would never do that. But if a guy has a girlfriend, I'll still have a flirty conversation because most things don't last. Most things don't last. Well, everything doesn't last. Well, yeah, that's true. Everything.

Your life. But if a guy's married, then I'm like, okay, well, I have no hope here. I saw a story about a couple that dated when they were in high school and then they got married. They married other people, broke up, the whole deal, went through lives, and then got married again when they were in their late 70s. That is sweet.

I like that. It's kind of adorable. Yeah, it is kind of adorable. They decide, like, well, we've been fucking around all this time. Yeah. What have we been doing? I know.

I feel like, you know, I've been circling the same guy for a really long time. How long I've only had a shark Yeah, like a cat Got like a like what that is extinct mouse Scampering about people haven't seen me since the 60s It's not Yeah, it's that I've only really had one actual relationship. And we have just, we've gotten, we got back together back and forth for like five or six years.

Broke up and got back together, broke up and got back together. And then we haven't been together for over like three years now. But we slept together for a while even after that. But we haven't slept together for like a year and some change. um and he and oddly enough he just moved back to st louis too we both met in new york city but he just and he's living with his parents too oh perfect as we're both looking to what we're gonna do next yeah you think it's perfect but he won't have sex with me what i know because i think he like. Is gay? Cares about me. Oh.

And like doesn't want to. Right. Upset me because I tend to have sex with someone and then I get. Attached. My hopes up a little bit. I mean I got my hopes up on a plane with like in a conversation with a guy. I was like planning our future together. What were you thinking? What was like the ultimate goal?

Like you're seeing the babies. You're seeing the whole thing. No. It's just like he was talking about his family and I was like picturing meeting them. And he mentioned like moving to San Diego and I was like kind of annoyed because I'm like, we haven't even talked about San Diego yet. Like I'm not even joking you. He mentioned some things that I'm like, well, you don't even know that I want to go there, but I would. But that's weird that he would just say that.

So, yeah, I mean, I... I really do. As soon as I start talking to a guy, I start picturing our future. I picture, like, walking down the aisle to him. Yeah, I get ahead of myself. Well, that's better than the opposite. The opposite is, like, never thinking you're ever going to be in a relationship, and every guy you talk

to, never imagining that it's ever going to go anywhere. Yeah, yeah. No. At least I have some hope. Yeah. You're hopeful. I do have hope. Yeah. You're hopeful.

So this guy, this guy cares about you. So he won't hook up with you because he doesn't want to get your hopes up. Yeah. It's really nice. That's a nice guy. Because every time we hang out together, I'm always like, can we please just have sex? Like, I haven't had sex in 17 months now. It's so long, Joe.

He won't just hook you up? No. A terrible person. Well, we, I know. It's terrible. And I'm really, I mean, I could get laid. It's not a, like, there are guys that would gladly fuck me, but I just don't, I don't feel comfortable having random sex.

I'm not good at it. I need to really like someone. And he just knows how to get it done, and we've done it so many times, it just feels like it would be so easy. Yeah, it would be. But he's right. I probably would think,

oh my God, we're going to be something, we're going to get back together, and then my heart would get broken again. So it might not be worth it. What does he do? He works in radio. He was a producer, behind-the-scenes producer. broken again so it might not be worth it but what does he do he's uh um he works in radio he's right he's on he was a producer behind the scenes producer we met on a show that i had on mtv

and then we created a show together on comedy central and then um and then that show got canceled and then we got canceled and then he uh now he's on the radio in st louis he's like a broadcaster now and um yeah so he's a good guy he is a good guy thinking about it that way yeah because most guys if a girl's like can we please have sex like um that's it just sex yeah that's it yeah and i've said that before so many times like that's all i that's all i want i don't want anything more than that's so not true though i you gotta learn men have to learn that that's not really true. I mean I've only had a couple times

ever in my life but I was younger and stupid where a girl said I just want sex but then after you give it to them they generally that's not really the case. Because I think women develop like intimacy bonds with men in a different way like we were talking earlier about

not that I think I know right or it's way. Like we were talking earlier about, not that I think I know, right? Or it's generalizing, but we were talking about using. Like men do not care if you use them. It means zero. Like if a woman is like, I just want to use you for sex, guy's like, okay. Like it doesn't, it's not, there's no negative connotation. Like if you are walking by a girl and her friends and she used you for sex and she tells her friends, yeah, I fucked that guy just for the sex. He's going to be psyched.

He's not going to feel bad. But if a girl walks by and a guy's hanging out with his friends and is like, yeah, I just used her for sex, she's going to be like, ugh. She's going to feel terrible. The guy wouldn't feel bad at all unless he's really weird. Obviously, we're generalizing again. Sure. But most men are not going to have an issue with that. I don't know.

I just got kind of horned up when you said, when I pictured passing a guy and someone said I just used her for sex. That kind of was exciting to me. You got excited about that? Because he doesn't want anything. I'm scared of intimacy in a big way. So I do like the idea of just being used and like, oh, someone just doesn't want

to get to know me. The problem is if you get rocked, right, and it's fun and you enjoy it and you actually have a good time. You gotta assume, too, if you're having sex with someone, you don't hate them. You like them as a person. I know, that's the problem. You have to like someone to have sex with them and then when you have sex with them, you just, then now you like them and you had sex with them. And then here's the other. You have to like someone to have sex with them. And then when you have sex with them, you just then now you like them and you had sex.

And then here's the other problem. If you like them more than they like you, then you get upset. Like a lot of times people, when they get rejected by someone, they feel pain. They feel pain of either being rejected or neglected. And then they associate that pain with something negative that the person has done, even if they haven't really done anything negative. And then they get angry at that person. And you're like, I didn't do anything. That's what this guy's avoiding.

You just used me for sex. And you're like, ah. Yep. No, we had sex. It's not even like I would feel like I was getting used, but I would just be so disappointed. Like, why don't you want more with me? Why wouldn't you want to marry? Why don't you want to spend time with me all the time?

Why don't you want to be my Why don't you want to spend time with me all the time? Why don't you want to be my man? And that's the problem. But what he does do that makes me feel great is like, he always says, I want to make it clear. I want to fuck you so bad. He'll tell me all the things that I need to hear that essentially just kind of

get you juiced up. Yeah. It makes me feel as good as if I got dicked down. Okay. So he says all the things i want to but the problem is like you look so good this is what i do to you this is what i want to do smash it yes and then i leave feeling like oh okay like still that's good that's good so it is good so we're a good guy he is a good guy and um not like that asshole on the fucking plane no that guy was so good too that poor guy wrote to me because we exchanged numbers because like i said plant that seed his relationship might fall especially now that you've talked about on two different podcasts i know he's gonna be so

he's gonna text me again bob is that you i know okay i need to talk if his girlfriend is listening i just want to say he did nothing inappropriate he never flirted me there was nothing he did that if he were my boyfriend i'd'd be like, he shouldn't have done that. So he behaved like a true gentleman, did not flirt with me. I read into it way too much. But I mean. What are you going to do?

I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm on Raya. I'm on. Raya is a dating app for celebrities, right? I like a blue check mark and it's not because I like guys that are famous because they're famous and I want to be famous it has nothing to do maybe it has a little bit to do with that

I'm not going to say it has nothing to do with that there's something hot about a guy being extremely successful and other people thinking that he's cool okay yes I'll give you that I think it's because I can know them before I think it's because I can know them before I go into the date. I can watch their stuff.

I feel like I'm already acquainted with them. That's why I like a blue check mark. I can get to know you before I go on a date. I don't like going into these things blind. So that's why I like a blue check. But there's no one in St. Louis that's on the goddamn app.

No one? No. Not one person? Really, honestly, no. There's no one in St. Louis on them. Where are they all? New York and L.A.? Yeah.

Or like Stockholm. I mean, it's all over the globe. It's global. And so I'm connecting with some guys on that. And then I just always get so busy when I come here. I don't want to go on a first date with someone. I just want to hang out with my friends that I haven't seen in forever. I've been into this book lately. It's called Irresistible.

It's about addictions. I downloaded it because I saw you recommend it and oh my god. It's heavy, right? Yeah. I'm really scared. One of the things I was thinking about when I was going through it is dating apps.

Like that's kind of the same thing. People are addicted to those. They have to be. Like how many people are having these random encounters because of dating apps? Like how many people are, it's like swiping left. Which one is good? Right. Right is good. Right means you like them.

Yeah. So do you go to the right? You swipe them right. So you go right. You go right. Right. right? You swipe them right. So you go right. You go right. Okay, right. Yeah, you swipe them right. So you go from left to right.

Yes, you go from, yeah, they're in the middle and then you swipe them right or you swipe them left. And that means you like them. Left means, no, you're garbage. Fuck off.

I never want to see you again. And right means let's do it. And sometimes you go too fast on the left because sometimes you're just like, oh, what does this app think of me? What if you fuck up and you go,

oh, I should have went right on that guy. Can you go back? I feel like Rose on the left? Because sometimes you're just like, oh, what does this app think of me? What if you fuck up and you go, oh, I should have went right on that guy. Can you go back? I feel like Rose on the Titanic and Jack just fell into the abyss. I really feel like my husband. I'm just like, what did I do? Because sometimes you go too fast. Because sometimes I'm just like, ugh.

You could have been the one and then you lay in bed going, what if it was him? And you can't go back? You can. You can shake the app very gently. Shake it? Yeah, you just like

go like because at first I was going like bring it back! And it wouldn't work because people told me just shake it it'll come back

and it wouldn't work but then I realized you have to like do one solid you have to be like in control of yourself and then it'll come back and then you see him

wearing a tank top and you swipe him left again and you're like oh my god ew disgusting tank tops are gross no i mean there's always just i just find something about a guy that i can be like i can't deal with that he'll like say his dog is his best friend or my mom thinks i'm a catch or you know some part of his personality is based on a food he loves just Just anything kind of deplorable like that. Or like, I love to get lost in a good book or just something. Shut up. I want to cook for you.

Whenever a guy writes that, I'm just like, you're poor. I mean, you take me to a restaurant. I don't want to watch you cook. Let's just go sit down and I don't want to watch you cook. Let's just go sit down, and I don't want to watch you have to, like, just because you've got, you know, one of those meal kit delivery services, I have to sit and watch you chop cilantro and talk about your connection with your nephew that I'm never going to remember because we're never going to see each other again. Just take me to a restaurant. I don't know. These guys are just trying their best.

I just, like, get so angry at these apps. It's so funny the thing that gets you mad. Cooks. Yeah, I get mad at guys that cook. Eventually cook for me, but just shut up. I don't care. I really don't. And I don't cook.

It's not like I'm going to take care of that. So I guess I would like a guy who cooks. But more like a guy who just like, I don't know what I want. I'm really, this isn't fair to anyone. I don't know what I want. I want a guy who I already know and I can hang around with

and then develop a crush on and then I decide when we're going to take it to the next level. You just want to be the boss. Kind of. I want to be the one to be like, okay now we can, even though I tend to like it when guys make the first move and kind of are a little bit aggressive. So you don't know what the fuck you want. I'm all over the place, John. I don't know what the fuck I want.

I got a guy who texts me. I'm crying over here. So am I. I just can't, nothing can come out. I'm crying it's not disrespectful laughter no it's

it's I know it's sad I got a guy right now who um he's like a he's a I would say

we're talking an A-lister here yeah one of my first not my first but he's definitely he's definitely up there

I've known about him for years, been a fan. And we connected, and he just wants to sext with me and have FaceTime sex and stuff like that. That's what he wants to do. Without physical sex? Well, he lives in Los Angeles, and I live in St. Louis. Whenever I'm available or in his area, he doesn't seem to want to meet up. Oh. It's just always, he checks in seem to want to meet up So it's just always He checks in on me every couple weeks

And it's just like Have you been intimate with this person? No, met him one time in person And then it went right to texting That's weird Someone who, that's weird I know, I don't like it either I'm like can we hang out in person

And then maybe I can virtually jerk you off or whatever you want me to do, walk you through whatever it is you're doing to yourself. But I just made the mistake of getting him off one time when he was texting. He always texts me at like 3 a.m. And he's just like, how are you feeling? Just checking in on my well-being in the middle of the night. And it's nice.

I really do think he like cares about me, but like there's some kind of weird, we both have intimacy issues. We've declared that to each other. So something's going on there and we can't even see each other. I mean, I lived in St. Louis with my parents and he's in here.

But you're here right now. I know. I didn't let him know I was here, but I just, I didn't tell my parents, and he's here. But you're here right now. I know. I didn't let him know I was here, but I didn't tell him. He's going to find out. When you talk about him on this podcast, millions of people hear about it. No, no one will know. No one will know. He'll know.

He'll know. Good. You're listening. Aren't you friends with Nikki? Yeah. She's on the podcast talking about- No, no, no. I don't think he tells anyone.

I doubt he's told anyone that we're friends or texting. I bet he tells one guy. Maybe one guy. Yeah, well, let him know. Let your friend know that I'm talking about him. Go tell your friend. I do. I like he's, well, we did this one thing the other night because he texts me and then he

wants to like have sex. And I'm just it takes me a little bit of time to get like really horny for someone. She definitely wants to jump into it. Right. I would just like to maybe just talk on the phone, get to know each other. Go out. OK. A regular person.

Right. I would like that to go on a date. I one time I went pre-COVID. He was in New York and I was like, let's meet up. And he's like, are you flirting with me? And I was like, oh, this has been going on a while. One time, pre-COVID, he was in New York, and I was like, let's meet up. And he was like, are you flirting with me? And I was like... Oh, this has been going on a while. I guess.

So COVID's five, six months, right? Yeah, yeah. Jesus. It's just off and on. It's every couple months this guy remembers that I exist. It's really, he doesn't like me. There's no future here. He watched my special, and he was like...

I think before my special, he didn't think much of anything. And then he watched my special, and was like I think before my special he didn't think much of anything And then he watched my special and I talked so much about sex He like thinks that I'm super super sexual Even though I haven't had sex in like so long I don't even know Well I think you're sexual but also sensitive That's what's going on It's not that you're not sexual

You're sensitive You don't want to get hurt And you're also smart And you've lived on this planet long enough To know what fucks you up and what doesn't. So you're careful. Yes. It's not that you're not sexual. Okay.

I like that. You're pretty sexual. Really? Yeah. I would say you're very sexual. Oh, good. I haven't felt that way. I haven't hooked up in so long.

I don't get horny that much. Yeah, but you obviously talk about it a lot. Yeah, but you're not around someone. Yes. Oh, yeah. If I was around someone, like, uncomfortable, if I had someone to have sex with, I'd be, like, your old lazy-eyed lady from back in the day. I would be getting, I would be, yeah. Yeah, I can get addicted to sex pretty quick when I'm

in a relationship and like having it. It's just an easy way to tap out and forget your feelings. That was also part of the book about Irresistible. It even talks about sex addictions and gambling addictions. I couldn't really get into that book because I got distracted by my phone again. I mean, I'm reading it on my phone as I'm learning that I'm addicted to my phone so that was a part of it I feel like so many guys are sex addicts

a lot that I deal with and have relationships with or communicating with I'm just like oh this guy's a sex addict and a lot of them are famous I think that creates I mean you can have sex with anyone you want when you're famous.

Yeah, that's part of the problem. Really, really hot chicks. Really hot chicks. They throw themselves at you and you become a woman. And they're sex addicts. You're like the woman. You're the one who's being pursued. Oh, right.

Yes. And so that's the problem with famous guys is they're constantly – they're too busy with like really, really hot chicks constantly being thrown at them. They don't really need to have a relationship where – I mean that's the appeal of having a relationship. For a lot of guys, I think it's just having a regular person to have sex with. That's definitely one of it. And then there's also – this book is talking about porn addicts and gambling addicts. And then it's really all the same thing. gambling addicts and then it's really all the same thing it's like your body and your brain gets fixated on particular activities and those particular activities occupy your mind so much and then it becomes a detriment to your life and it's with video games it's with sex it's with porn

it's with gambling it's with drugs and that they used to think that they're different things they used to think this and obviously drugs things. They used to think there's... And obviously drugs have physical consequences, like heroin and alcohol. Alcohol's one of the worst to get off of. Because when you get off of alcohol, people who are legitimate alcoholics, they can die if they go cold.

Amy Winehouse, that's how she died. No, bulimia. I don't know if that's true. No one talks about it. Well, let's Google that. Look it up because her documentary, she was puking her brains out at the end and that can cause cardiac arrest like that. And so I think, I mean, it could have been a mixture of both, but I do think her bulimia had a huge... I listen to fucking her shit so often. She's on my regular playlist.

She's in so much pain. You can hear it in her voice. It was such a beautiful voice. It's an interesting voice. Even when she's saying about going to rehab, you know, I was killed by bulimia, not drugs, says her brother. Yeah. Drink and drugs took their toll, but eating disorder fatally weakened Amy.

Yeah, dude. Says how does Some serious shit. But what is the coroner's result, though? Did they say? But the thing is, a brother would know. I just think that that gets swept under the table so much, eating disorders, when really that is. And, you know, COVID is killing a lot of people with eating disorders, too. People that on the other

side of that food addicts who can't stop eating and obesity makes you so much more susceptible to COVID I mean yeah I think I only know that because I've you know dabbled in all of those things before and it's

terrible yeah I'm a definite addict and I got to watch it but the sex addict thing I mean I just think that that's one that's unchecked for so many people yeah and so acceptable and porn addiction I mean I can't get off without watching porn you can't get off at all when I'm watching porn not even close I wouldn't even try if my internet was down we had a power outage the other day at my house and it was just like, okay, well that's, I would be screwed without, I couldn't do it. I mean, I would figure out a way I think I would manage, but if my, if my toys aren't working and aren't

plugged in and if I don't have porn, I'm just not getting off. I've never been someone who can do it manually and with my imagination. It's really a problem because the porn I watch is like not good. What kind? Joe. Joe, Joe, Joe. Nicky, Nicky, Nicky. Dude, it's bad. Like what kind?

Like step mom stuff? No. That's tame. Are you kidding me? Gang rape? Yeah. Really? I mean, I got a threat on like like a dm from just some fucking troll

a while back that was like if I put out a hit on the dark web for you to be gang raped and asked paid the guys a hundred thousand dollars to do it I could make that happen and you know someone would accept that and I was like jokes on you that that's my fantasy. I mean, I don't really mean that. Please do not do that. But I was also like, no, that's I'm not joking. Like that's tends to be the stuff that I watch is like really aggressive gang bangs and like women tied up. I pay for my porn because I feel so bad what's happening to the women in it. I hope that they are being compensated for it.

So I pay like 30 bucks a month for kink.com. I'm watching really fucked up stuff. And I've always been into like being tied up and like I'm someone who doesn't feel like I deserve pleasure without like having pain. Like I don't ever celebrate anything. I can only celebrate or like relax if I put in so much work that I'm just like dead so I can it's really hard for me to like enjoy myself in life

I always have to have it's I have to punish myself first and so orgasms are not something that like I feel I feel it's hard for me to give myself one and let myself have that much it's like it's too much it's like Christmas you're like you's like christmas and you're like you have to wait a year for christmas you can't give yourself christmas every day so i feel i like to be tied up and like forced to have christmas and like i jesus christ that's what i that's what i tend to like it's like you have to do this and because i'm so i don't like losing control either and the orgasm is like the most you can lose control I just feel like I don't I don't like being in that out of control and I don't know what's gonna happen I'm scared I'm just gonna like shit everywhere or something

like I'm totally scared of shitting everywhere is no one else scared of that no they come I don't think I've never shit everywhere we're saying something that you regret or like just do it I don't think I've never shit everywhere when I've come. Or saying something that you regret or like just do it. I don't know. Having a Kramer moment when, I'm just kidding. No, just, I'm terrified of what might happen. That's why I only have sex with people that I like trust so much so that if I shit on them, they wouldn't, I know that that guy wouldn't hate me.

Right. And like wouldn't tell people. And that's why you're willing to let them tie you up. You trust them so much. Because if they tie me up and I shit, okay. Like, hey, you're willing to let them tie you up. You trust them so much. Because if they tie me up and I shit, okay? Like, hey, you should have untied me. That's my biggest fear. Yeah, it wasn't my fault.

You tied me up. I had no choice. Oh my God. Or, yeah, so if you're forced, then you have, yeah, then it's not your fault what you did or what you said. So do you ever watch regular porn or is it always like tied?

No, never. It's always I start at Kinked. I go to Kinked.com. I go to Anal. I go to Bondage. I go to Gangbangs. My problem is I do not like the women to be abused. But you can't find Gangbangs where the woman's being treated nicely.

You can't find one where they're just like, good job. You're taking on so much. I've talked about this in my special, but I thought after talking about it in my special and saying, can I please get a respectful gangbang? Porn would listen and heed my request and make a gangbang when they're just like, they're proud of her for her tenacity and her strength during this really arduous journey, personal journey, and they're never nice to her. They're always calling her a dumb bitch. They're making her oink like a pig. They have a fucking boot on her head.

They spit in her face. And honestly, Joe, I'm not kidding you. I watch porn with half the screen covered up because I don't like what they do to her head, but I like what they're doing to the rest of her. Because I just, it's too, they're so mean, you know, choking her, like doing a fish hook. I don't like any of that. But I like I like the idea of gangbangs. I like the idea of a girl being like kind of used and taken advantage of.

And I do feel guilty about all of this because I'm a feminist. Obviously, I love women and I want us to feel empowered. And I'm so sad for these these women but that's what gets me off. What a conundrum. Yeah. I don't want to be fisted, Joe. But that's all that gets me off is watching women get fisted. I like that now and I don't have any interest in

having that done to me. Why do you like it? Or so I say. I don't know. Oh my god, Nikki. Having that done to me. Why do you like it? Or so I say. I don't know. Oh, my God. Thank you. This might be the most fun podcast ever. Oh, my God. So thank you. I don't know what I'm even saying.

But yeah, dude, I'm watching. I'm crying. I'm watching like it just is a slippery slope, dude. It just gets, you know, you go from just like slight bondage where a girl's tied up and a guy's maybe like doing some stuff to her with a a wand and like fingering her and choking her a little bit and then it's it's just like seven guys writing pig on a girl's head and making her oink and like and and spitting on her did you bookmark those i mean i have i have a file i have a i have an email that i send to myself it's called porn i like and i just keep sending myself the next anytime i come from a video i send it to myself so i can go back and

i can also see my my descendants into depravity through the years. I can see where I started and where I'm at and how it happened. How long has this email chain been going on for? It's been going on since 2017 is when I started it. So I have a good backlog. But what I like about this is that usually the girl is I don't like to see a girl

in distress. As soon as she I think that she's not having a good time I get out of it. Because a lot of these girls are having a good time.'t like to as soon as she I think that she's not having a good time. I get out of it because a lot of these girls are having a good time. They like to be pushed to the limit. One of my favorite porn actresses and I just want to give her a shout out because she does brilliant work is Kristen Scott. And one of her the best videos is called School of Seduction. I think that's what it's called. And or no. Oh, fuck, what is it called? There's like this academy that

these girls go to where they learn to be sluts. And they have to graduate, and there's five days where they go to this school and they're tied up and they're just fucked by a bunch of people, and they're made to plank and get fucked at the same time as they're planking. And it's just like they get, they just, they have to do what you say when someone tells you you have to do something you

have to be like oh i guess i have to do it it's not my fault that i'm a whore and they i just like that that's what i'm into because i think i have so much guilt associated with wanting to be sexual or wanting to feel sexual that if someone's making me do it then suddenly it's not my fault so do you think that's why you like bondage and gangbangs because it's out of the person's control? Yeah. Yeah, and I was looking into like – because I was feeling guilty about having like – I don't have rape fantasies. I don't have that. But a lot of women do.

So many women do. And it's actually called – it's not a rape fantasy because you're not fantasizing about actually being raped because that's not consensual. You want consensual – it because that's not consensual. You want consensual. It's called CNC, consensual non-consent. That's what it's called. And I'm kind of into that.

It's an interesting phrase, consensual non-consent. I know it's kind of murky, but saying rape fantasy is just not. You don't want to be raped by someone you don't want to have sex with. You want to be raped by someone you're really attracted to, but you want to give in to it. So you want it to happen. So it's sort of kind of rape, but not really rape because you actually want it to happen. You want it to mimic. You want it to be like role playing rape.

So you could stop it at any time because you have a safe word and you have all these things. But it's it isn't rape so women that go i have a rape fantasy and think that's like quirky about themselves you don't you really don't you don't want that no one wants that um and so yeah that's what it's called is um consensual non-consent is what so many women are into and i i read about it on reddit because i i'm in the subreddit sex and it's just a very common thing that women want in bed. Women like to be choked. They like to be bossed around. They like their hair pulled. They like, you know.

But they only like it to be done by people they want it to be done by. Yes, yes. That's where it gets weird, right? I want to make that very clear. Yeah. Yeah. So there are some times that I – there are some times that in some of these porns where the guy is like I'm not attracted to him and I wouldn't want his dick inside me. But I definitely like when they treat you like a car they're working on and they just like use tools on you and there's no dicks involved.

That appeals to me. That's a very popular one. Like if there was a place you could go, like a body shop and just get worked on. Yep. I would love it. If there was a place you could go where guys would just massage your vagina and use tools on you and you'd be totally down with that. Yeah. As long as there's no cameras and no one would ever talk about that I was there. I mean, I'd be talking about it on here the next week, but as long as it was up to me. You could wear a mask and your sleep mask as well.

Oh, yeah, that's good. I could wear a mask. You could wear both masks. Okay, yeah. And just lay there and have them eat you out. No, I don't want them. A mouth. You don't want the mouth.

Maybe. I don't know. Maybe after you go there a couple of times, you get bored with dildos. I don't. No, dildos are so good. Dildos and toys are like amazing. I like a wand and I don't, I don't even think I could have regular sex without also like a vibrator too.

Yeah. I want, I want penetration and I want something else too. Wow. Just want, it's just, I don't, but. What's the longest time you've taken without any masturbation or sex? Oh, months and months. No masturbation, months. I can go months without masturbating.

Like, it does not, but when I get hooked on it, like, it's the same way I abstain from pot. Like, right now I've gone 12 days, but if I sparked one up right now, I'd be doing all the time until I go cold turkey. And I just, I quit. So I can, I went a really long time without it during the quarantine. And then I haven't hooked up with, I haven't had sex since for, you know, a year and a half at this point. And, and, and I've hooked up a couple of times in that, in that time with guys, but I've always stopped it before I've even been even

close. I just knew I wasn't going to come, so I was just like, just let's stop. When you were talking about gang bangs and stuff, your hands, you had a death grip on your knuckles, and you're bringing your hands back and forth, and you're going over in your head. I'm like, Jesus. Oh, my God. I know. I get really intense about it.

Yeah, you were very intense about it. Yeah. For sure. Well, I feel really bad even admitting that that's what I'm into. Well, you shouldn't feel bad. That's what you're into. You're not a bad person. You're a good person. Thanks, Joe. And you're into weird shit.

But that's okay. I'm not the only one oh there's a website yeah kink.com is not supported by nikki glazer alone no they imagine it's like there was a chart it's like look it's all nitty you know we thought we had subscribers this one ladies she's out of her fucking mind there's a whole industry based around this one broad they gotta make more too because i am running out of videos to watch because it's hard for me to go back and watch old ones. So I've been going back and going because they've been around forever. And I went back like, you know, 68 pages.

And there's stuff from like pre 9-11. I'm like, I can't watch this woman from 2000 take on six guys. 20 years later, now she's 80. Yeah, because I just picture her now. Like, where did her life take her? That's the problem, right? So if you think about what happened to them that allowed them to be that person in the gangbang with pig written on their face. Yeah.

That's the problem. That's the problem. And that's why a lot of videos on kink.com have a pre-interview and a post-interview. So you see the girl go, I'm really looking forward to this gangbang today. I've wanted to do this for so long. It's been a goal of mine. I'm really into this. I don't like this.

You see them consent to all of it and then it happens. And then they have the post one where they're like shivering in a towel with like wiping pig off their forehead. And they're like, that was fun. And you see them and there's always a post interview to you know prove they survived rough do you get criticized for talking about this stuff like by other women i will after this for sure but no generally not because i think i'm not alone with this one you think why do you think you will with this one? Because you just, you got really deep into it. Just because you have a bigger audience.

More people are going to hear it. That's why. But you're not alone. And I think there's probably a lot of women that are listening to this right now that go, yes, same, same. I just tend to, with my addictions, I tend to go from, they get bad quickly.

So they start off mild. Yeah, these are all progressive things. Like eventually you'll get there with porn if you watch it long enough. It might take someone else thousands of years to get where I got in a shorter amount of time. Right. But it all is leading to, I mean, it gets gross. That's why these things exist. Like, you don't start off liking, like, a woman with a boot on her head.

Like, that's not something that, like, you just slide there eventually. Well, that's the thing about porn in general. If you go back and you watch old porn, old porn was just people on dates. It was. porn was just people on dates. It was. If you go back and watch porn from the 80s, it's basically

two people are hanging out and the one's like, God, I'm just so tense. I've got such a headache. The guy's like, hey, let me rub your neck. And rubbing the neck and it's like, oh, that feels so good. I'm so hot. I need to take my shirt off. And they take their shirt off and then they start making out and then.

Yeah. I mean, it was basically. That would do nothing for me now. Yeah. But that's what it is. I know. It's basically just people having sex. Normal people in normal situations.

And then there's something about where people need to escalate. Everything has to like, okay, I've seen that. Now I need to see more. And that's what points to the fact that it's an addiction. Yeah. You know? I've never been into anything

other than just sex. That's so good. Yeah, luckily. Yeah. The only porn that I've ever watched, it's just girls with big asses. Oh. Just sexy girls.

Yeah. I'd say just sex. That's as fetishy as you get. It's with big asses. Just sexy girls. I'd say just sex. Normal sex. That's as fetishy as you get. It's just big asses. I've never been into any of that. No choking, nothing. It gets so weird, Joe.

It is weird. There's so much weird stuff out there. But I'm not into choking in real life either. I've never been into that anyway. Yeah, I don't know why guys are into it. I don't relate to, I don't know that I'd want a guy to like want to do that to me. It's dangerous. Yeah, yeah.

Because if you escalate, so think about the escalation in porn. What if a guy is into choking girls and then he gets bored with just regular choking? I know. It's like, I want to use a rope. Like, I promise I'm not going to hurt you. I'm just going to use a rope. Now, what if it's just like a wire. Like, I promise I'm not going to hurt you. I'm just going to use a rope. What if it's just like a wire? Like, I'm not going to... It should make a little mark on you.

Okay, what if I blindfold... What if I hit you? Like, and then things get weird. What if I murder? Yeah, and then it leads... I mean, I was watching that Golden State Killer documentary and that's what that guy did. He started just doing break-ins and then that wasn't really itching the scratch anymore.

Then he moved on to rapes. And that was doing good for a while. And then slowly he started murdering. Like, it didn't just start out murder. You saw his progression. It's like, yeah, this stuff can get really scary. I mean, I like being, I think being choked is nice. Because, I mean, you were talking about it with David Blaine yesterday.

Like, it feels good to, like, lose like lose consciousness and like come out of it and be pushed to that brink of like there's something uh euphoric about it yeah I think there's the euphoric thing about getting choked out is like as the brain like rushes back to consciousness there's probably a bunch of hormones and things that are just floating around in there they get fired up and also like there's there's's dopamine and all sorts of spikes. That's the other thing they were talking about in this book, Irresistible, talking about the dopamine rush that people get from various addictions. And they were talking about Parkinson's drugs.

This is really interesting because Parkinson's medication, apparently what it does is it spikes dopamine. And it also has a lot of really weird side effects. Like people get addicted to gambling. They get addicted. They give away all their stuff. There's a drug called ReEquip. GlaxoSmithKline wound up paying this guy somewhere in the equivalent of like $600,000 because he was a straight heterosexual man with no problems with gambling and he had Parkinson's and he got on this re-equipped drug and he became a gay sex and gambling addict and he

started having risky gay sex, like really risky. Like he would contact people on Craigslist and meet in alleys and shit. And he was just gambling all his money away. But so much so that he won in court. Suing them because he. Yes. Because see if you can Google this story. It's re-equip.

And the man, I believe he's from Ireland. And he won in court. Because he's like, he wasn't a gay man. It was a straight man. Right. I mean, I never even thought about it before. And then he became a gay, sex, and gambling addict. I had him in my act for a while.

Right. I had the story in my act for a while. Because apparently he would snap out of it in the middle of doing stuff. Parkinson's patient wins lawsuit over gay sex addiction. A French man, oh, so it's French. See, I don't trust French people. Look at his name.

Didier. That's too close to Didler. Didier Jambard. 52 of Nantes, France, sued the pharmaceutical giant GlaxoSmithKline in 2011, claiming the drug ReEquip caused him to lose 82,000 euros gambling on the internet. He said he also became addicted to gay sex and risky sexual encounters. He said he was raped after starting the drug in 2003 and attempted suicide eight times.

Good Lord. It's a great day, Jean Barre, who was accompanied by his wife during the emotional ruling, told the French press agency. It's been a seven-year battle with our limited means for recognition of the fact that GlaxoSmithKline lied to us and shattered our lives. Parkinson's disease destroys neurons deep within the brain that releases the feel-good neurotransmitter dopamine.

ReEquip belongs to a class of drugs called dopamine antagonists, or agonists, that relieve Parkinson's symptoms, such as shaking, stiffness, slowness, and trouble balancing by activating dopamine receptors. But the drugs have side effects that, while rare, can be serious. Yeah. But it's weird things like, even if you have the urge to do it, you are not in control of your own actions. I gotta take Requip.

Finally give me some permission to do some stuff that I've always wanted to do. Have an excuse. It was the Requip. I wonder if it works on people who don't have Parkinson's. What does it do to people who don't have Parkinson's? I mean, that's terrifying. And I would always hear that in the side effects of drugs, like if you are suddenly gambling

out of nowhere. And you're like, what is that? This is a drug for heartburn. And I'm going to start gambling out of nowhere? Come on, seven. But it's totally scary. These drugs, I mean, I'm trying to get on a new antidepressant because i've just been so just i'm tired of having these low lows that just don't

aren't necessary and are just scary sometimes because the things i think and the things i i just have these thoughts that come in that can't stop and i just can't work i can't be funny when i'm depressed so i gotta get back something. But I'm so scared of all these weird side effects and the things that it might make me do. Rightly so. And so I mean... How long have you been on antidepressants? I mean, I was on them for years and years. Ever since I was like, I got anorexic when I was like 18. And then I was so depressed from that because it just like starts eating your brain

that I got on stuff. And then ever since then, I've been I've struggled 18 and then I was so depressed from that because it just like starts eating your brain that I got on stuff and then ever since then I've been I've struggled with depression I think even before then I was a really depressed kid I look at pictures and I'm just like staring despondently into a corner like on holidays I'm like oh I was just depressed and so now I'm looking into maybe having ADHD because it's often misdiagnosed in women because women don't really have the hyperactivity part of it. And it just makes us kind of depressed and have low self-esteem and messy and all the things that I am that, you know, I've struggled with. Do you worry, though, about, like, messing with your brain chemistry with these drugs that, like, maybe they don't have the right stuff that they're giving you and it might

be causing other problems or exacerbating the current ones. No, because I've been off them for a while now. How long have you been off them? For a couple months. So you're not on anything right now? And I've gone through years of not being on stuff. Are you exercising? Yeah, every day.

What do you do? I run four miles a day. Oh, okay. So you're getting a lot of exercise. Yeah, I do. I try to exercise a lot. But it's still fucking with you? And I eat healthy.

Yeah, man. I just get, all of a sudden, I just get these fucking thoughts that come in and then I'm depressed for like four days so badly that I just, I could file for disability as a comedian because I cannot be funny. My brain doesn't work. Can you do that? You can file for disability? I should be able to.

Yeah, I guess. Because I can't do the thing that I – I mean, I feel disabled. I feel like that's when I start thinking, okay, I've got to find a new job. I can't do this. I can't be broadcasting every day. I have nothing interesting to say. That's not true at all. Everything you said today has been very interesting.

Thank you. Well, I'm not in a bad place today. I'm actually out of it. I don't know. It just comes on every – like four days out of the month. Did you wake up? Well, I'm not in a bad place today. I'm actually out of it. I don't know. It just comes on every, like, four days out of the month. Did you wake up? You felt like I'm in a good place? Oh, today?

No, I've been in a good place since Saturday. I woke up on Saturday and I snapped out of it. But, you know, when I sent out that tweet, the tweet that led to me even being here was because I was just suffering for, like, four or five days with, like, really bad depression where, you know, I called Gary Goldman. Do you know what he went through? Yeah, he's been through like serious, serious depression. I had a text drafted Neil Brennan. I wanted to talk to other guys that like have had to have had to go places. Neil actually did ketamine therapy.

I know. Yeah. He told me it was wild. He said he went to a doctor. They put you in a chair, like a regular doctor's chair, and they induce you into a psychedelic state. He goes, and I mean, I was tripping balls. I go, really? He goes, yeah.

Went to the doctor's office, and they give you fucking ketamine, and you trip balls. And I'm like, did it help you? He goes, yeah. He goes, yeah, it helped. Ketamine apparently has a big effect on people that are depressed. And some people are taking it, you know, like a spray, like a mist. I don't know if it's nasal spray. Yeah.

Yeah. Just like a body splash. Fucking Whitney has something like that. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's just. I don't think it's a body spot. You just like spray it in front of you and walk through it like a perfume. It's either in your nose or your mouth.

Okay. It's like a ketamine mist, like a very low dose of ketamine, like a micro dose of ketamine. Well, I'm going to talk to him about it too, but it's so funny because when I'm in it, I'm so in it. And then when I'm out of it, I just forget that it can get that bad. And I don't even think about it. just forget that it can get that bad. And I don't even think about it. I forget that it can get so bad. And there's no triggers that are making it bad or good?

You know, right now, things are really not like, are very uncertain. My career's going great by all you know, if you were to Yeah, by all indications, I should not be depressed. Like, I have a loving family. I have my health. But you say your career's going great, but

everyone's career hit a wall. All of us that are comics, we hit a wall. And Mark, the only one who's touring regularly is Bert, and he's depressed right now. He's fucking told you, he told me he just did 19 shows, or 15 shows in nine days. And he goes, I'm fucking exhausted. I gotta stop. And he goes, and his agency

is trying to push him to organize a summer tour or a fall tour now. I relate stop. And he goes into his agency. He's trying to push him to organize a summer tour or a fall tour now. I relate to it. I think that Bert is a lot like me. That if he does stop and stops working it will be so much worse than it was. He'll freak out and he loves to drink too.

Bert's got a lot of different things that he's sort of kind of whatever is going on in his head that he's sort of kind of whatever is going on in his head that he's trying to squash, he does it with a lot of different things, whether he works a lot or he just, I mean, he tours, and when he tours, he tours.

Bert will tour in a bus and hit a different place every night, and then it used to be that he would invite people to go out and drink with him. Yeah. He has this expectation to fulfill as the party animal. And so he is always, I mean, I feel for him always having to be on and be that guy and be shirtless and be down to party. Well, he was doing a special and they were handing him shots.

And he was like, I can't do shots. I'm doing my special. And they're like, fuck you, drink. And he's like, you're ruining my special. Like, I'm filming a special here. This is he's like, you're ruining my special. Oh, my God. Like, I'm filming a special here. This is for fucking Netflix, you idiots. Yeah.

Like, what are you doing? He was mad. But there's part of me that goes, maybe he should be fucked up. If he's done all of the preparation for this, he's been fucked up. Right. Why the night you tape your special would you do things differently? Yeah. I don't do anything differently when I tape specials.

Do you get depressed? No. You never felt that? I mean, maybe like very low level depression. Yeah. That's great. Yeah. But I work out like a terrorist.

I know. And what is that about? I think I'm very primitive. I think my brain, like my genetics, I think I come from a long line of savages. And I think the only way I feel good, really feel good, is to do very violent things. Yeah.

Yeah, push yourself. I need to run hills, I beat the fuck out of a heavy bag, I throw kettle bells around. But do you enjoy it in the middle of it? You're actually loving pushing yourself. Love it. But then how much do you love it in the middle of it? You're actually loving fucking pushing yourself. But then how much do you love it when you're done? I mean, isn't that the best feeling?

I enjoy it while I'm doing it, but I get to a place where I don't enjoy it. Yeah, that's I have to hit that place. You have to push yourself. Yeah, I don't I don't work out to like where it feels pretty good. Like there's none of that. I want to see you you walking a mall someday, like doing a gentle mall fast-paced walk. Those people who do those mall jogs.

With a sweatsuit with tiny little hand weights. I walk with my dog. We do hills. I put a weight vest on. Of course you do. I have a thing called an Atlas trainer. It's a backpack that I put Olympic weights on the back of it. You know how you have a plate a barbell yeah i get so like uh the dumbbell plates go over it and

then i screw in this uh collar and i have like a an olympic plate on my back and so i do uh i'll hike with those on with the dog and uh do you do you take days off, though? Yeah, I take days off to recover. Is that hard to do? No, no. I don't think I'm addicted to exercise. No, you seem to have a healthy lifestyle with everything. I can get addicted to everything. Okay, you can?

Oh, yeah. I had a real problem with video games in the past. Real problem. Like eight hours a day. Like even more. How interesting and irresistible is it that people who make those video games don't even let themselves play that? Oh, yeah.

How about that World of Warcraft story? Jesus Christ. How about the one kid who was a football player who lost his, basically his life fell apart, fell out of school, everything just, it can happen. So you used to be that way? Yeah. We fucking set up a local area network in the back and we have all these computers back there that we set up and I had to stop playing them because we would be in here and i would be

playing five six hours a day after podcasts right and it was like for months and i'm like stop and i had to get out of here i'd be sweaty my adrenaline would be all fucked up recently you've dealt with was it like a year and a half ago yeah Yeah, maybe two years ago. What about drinking for you? What about drugging? No. No. Never, never compulsive. Yeah. Yeah.

Drinking, the problem with drinking is it always has a negative physical effect. Yes. So I'm not into things that fuck with my body. So when I do something negative, then it fucks with my real addiction, which is the exercise addiction. So if I have an addiction at all, physical addiction is an exercise addiction. But it's not an addiction like I have to do it. If I don't do it, I freak out. It's like if I don't do it, I don't feel good.

Yes. I like to be calm. I like to feel good. I like to be friendly. I like to feel like even. I don't feel even if i don't work out if i don't work out for four or five days i just feel like real tense and like short trigger like short fuse what's something that sets you off when like your wife can sense it your kids can sense it if you haven't worked out like

what's gonna what's something that i don't let myself get to that oh that's good yeah i don't let myself get that but if How do you stop yourself? Meditation? Yeah, I definitely do a lot of meditation. Meditation, float tank, sauna. I do a lot of breathing exercises in the sauna. I do a lot of that. But I just know me.

I know me. And I don't like me when I don't work out. I don't like that guy. Yeah, I don't like me if I don't meditate. And I don't let myself get away with not doing that. I also, since the time I've been a young boy, I've been doing savage things. So from like my whole life, I've been in martial arts. So my body is just like, what are we hitting today? Come on.

What are we choking? Come on. We got to go. And if I don't do that, my body's like any day now we're going to're going to war like shit is about to happen it's going down so your body starts getting and it's like a battery like you're storing up all this energy and if you don't if you don't release it it's like it's overflowing it's coming off the top and so i i i exercise just to maintain homeostasis, to maintain balance, to maintain like just to be – just have clarity. Yeah. So that's big for me.

You're just the best version of yourself if you're pushing yourself. A hundred percent. I am the best – You figured it out. I'm the nicest person I can be when I exercise a lot. Now, what if you go through a time where you don't get a lot of exercise in and you just can't fit in your schedule? Why wouldn't I just exercise? I don't know.

What does that mean? Fit into my schedule. What does that mean? You figure out a way. You wake up earlier. lot of exercise in. You just can't fit in your schedule. Why wouldn't I just exercise? I don't know. What does that mean? Fit into my schedule. What does that mean? You figure out a way. You wake up earlier. That is the schedule. Like there's no, like do, what do I forget to eat? Yeah, exactly.

Do I forget to eat? No, no, no. I don't forget to eat. Do I forget to sleep? I don't forget to sleep. So why the fuck would I forget to exercise? Yeah, it's just an excuse. I don't think I've ever gone more than a week in my life without exercising.

Yeah. I mean, doing something. I have to. Unless I've been injured. Unless I have like a bad injury, like a surgery or something like that. What about stand-up addiction? I think I definitely have a stand-up addiction. And I think that I really, I feel like if I have any depression at all, it's this low-level lull from not doing stand-up for all these months.

It's a lull. And then I realized it when i did uh i did the improv in houston yeah and and it was like oh my god we're back and i said like fuck it dude i'm i went with brian moses and tony hinchcliffe and we were like dude let's fucking just keep doing this let's just keep traveling around the country any place that wants to have us and then i started thinking i got really high and i started thinking what if i gave it to somebody what if i got it and I gave it to somebody? And then I'm like, I can't do that.

That was the thing that I feared. What I feared the most is giving it to somebody. Or giving it to a guest that gets really sick. I know, that's the fear. That's why outdoor shows only. Some people that are getting it, it fucks them up for months. I know, people don't ever recover.

People still haven't recovered that got it back in March. They have still I know. People don't ever recover. People still haven't recovered. They got it back in March. They have still a fatigue. They can't get out of bed. Their hair's falling out. These side effects, they could last who knows, forever. It's really scary. It's a weird fucking disease. It's a weird disease that doesn't

really make sense because it's not like any other disease. Everybody who gets the flu, it's real similar. It's not like any other disease. Like everybody who gets the flu, it's real similar. It's not like one person gets the flu and it's nothing where another person gets the flu and they can't smell anything for six months. Like people are, they're losing their sense of smell. I know. They lose their sense of taste like for months.

Like Michael Yeo got it real bad where he was hospitalized and he is, he's still suffering for fatigue from fatigue like two months later he would get tired walking up a flight of stairs so you get like lung scarring and all kinds of weird shit happens yeah okay and you're not scared of getting it no but what about all that shit you're just scared of giving that to someone yeah you just feel like your body's gonna be okay yeah yeah yeah i'll okay. Do you get the flow? Yeah, but barely. Yeah.

I do so much, though. I do like IV vitamin drips all the time, and I'm on all these vitamins and constantly working out. I mean, I can get sick, but I don't get sick much. And when I get sick, it goes by pretty quick. Yeah, me too. But I'm keeping my body healthy. I eat elk meat and all this healthy food. And it's like your body, if your body's in tune and your body's healthy and your immune system is strong, that's the whole point of having a strong immune system.

It's supposed to be able to fight things off. And I haven't gotten like a real cold in years because I take care of myself and I do a good job. But if I was working on a television show and I was not getting good sleep or I was traveling a lot and I was not getting good sleep and that's when it can hit you. And that's what hit Michael Yeo. Yeah, he was just over working. I mean, Michael Yeo was, he flew to New York. He was doing morning, he did no sleep, right?

Flew to New York. Morning radio, television shows, two shows a night at Gotham, two shows the next night, same thing, morning radio, TV shows, hustling, doing everything he can. Flies home, no sleep, right? Then drives to Vegas with his family,

kids in the car screaming, yelling. And then he hangs out with his wife's family in Vegas and then flies back the same day. So two in front, which is four hours there, four hours back. Then auditions the next day and auditions the day after that.

So he's practicing for auditions, getting ready, stressed out. Then it hits him. Boom. Hits him hard. Oh, yeah. I mean, that used to be the way I lived my life, too. You know, he gave it to his mom.

His mom kicked it in a day. Oh, really? One day, yeah. Because mean, that used to be the way I lived my life, too. He gave it to his mom. His mom kicked it in a day. Oh, really? One day, yeah. Because she wasn't sick. She wasn't worn out. So her immune system did its job. What about you in sleep? What's your...

I sleep. You're good at it. I sleep. You never had to take anything? No. What do you do? What's your kind of routine to wind down? I lay down.

Do you keep the phone out of your bed? Yeah, I don't. I mean, occasionally I'll have the phone out of your bed? Yeah, I don't. I mean, occasionally I'll have the phone by the bed. I'll look at it right before I go to bed, but I just conk out. Are you monitoring your screen time after reading this book? Yes. Well, I was monitoring my screen time already. Can you get sucked into Instagram?

I mean, what's your app that you just get? No, YouTube. I like watching videos. Yeah. It's distracting. Yeah. I just get bored is that what you do when you work out what youtube yeah like when you're like on a treadmill or something what

are you doing are you just like in the moment trying maybe i'll watch music fights okay if i'm watching something i'll watch fights or i listen to a book and i work out but uh most of oh yeah i was wondering like picturing you reading a book like do you just like sit in a chair and like flip through a book like how does Joe Rogan read a book? Most of the reading I do is audio books so most of it is me not reading reading is like scientific

articles I read like things that you can't get in audio books but I do most of the most of the information that I get from books is either driving or in a sauna. I like listening in the sauna. I put AirPods on. You can use AirPods in a sauna, even at 180 degrees.

Jesus. They don't conk out. How long are you in there? 30 minutes. Okay. But that's another thing. It's like I keep escalating that. It used to be 20 minutes.

Now I move it like, oh, don't be a pussy. Make it 25 minutes. And then it's like 30. And I'm not satisfied with 30, so now don't be a pussy. Make it 25 minutes. And then it's like 30. And I'm not satisfied with 30. So now it has to be 31. Yeah. So you understand my porn thing. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I just don't have the porn thing that way. Right. My porn is like, if I watch porn, it's normal. It's people that are horny. They fuck. That's the, or. Yeah.

Or it's like, oh, we probably shouldn't be doing this. You know, like that kind of porn. Right. You know, stuff like that. But nothing, nothing crazy. Okay crazy okay yeah but i get it like i get all of it like the video game thing i get more than anything because i've had like real well that's nice to hear that even recently you've struggled with that because you seem to be someone who doesn't have to deal with but it's all because i'm calculated about it that's all alcoholic. And as soon as you see it

starting to affect your well-being I went cold turkey with the video games. You quit it. You can't. Quit. And then we played again when we had the guys who make Doom. We had them come in here and we played for a day. And even that day I was like I got out of here all shaky. I was like I can't do that again. I don't do that again.

Do you feel like you're white knuckling it? Do you feel like god damn it I'm missing out. But you't do that again. Do you feel like you're white knuckling it? Do you feel like, god damn it, I'm missing out. But you have just amazing discipline. Well, the video games are so addictive because they're so immersive. And the one we're playing is Quake Champions. So you put these headphones on, like if Jamie was playing with me, if he was over here, I could hear him

over here. I could hear him walking. And the graphics are so incredible. And it's a three-dimensional game, right? So you're running down these hallways and people are shooting rockets at you and you're jumping up off these things and you're running through the water and people are chasing you. That's so fun. It's exciting. That's as good as going on a hike. No.

Why? Because, first of all, because you could do it all day. No D. No vitamin D. No vitamin D. You're doing it all day, right? Yeah, it doesn't stop. You play for hours and hours and hours and you get exhausted afterwards and it becomes a compulsion. Like you leave here, you're driving, you're thinking about, oh, he shouldn't have shot me then.

I should have got him. And that time I fucked up. I shouldn't have gone into the lava. I shouldn't have gone that way. You have all these crazy thoughts in your head about the game. And it's like they're really fun. That's the problem is they're really fun. That's the problem, is they're really good. But for me, at least, they waste too much time, and I get too sucked in, and then it

becomes unhealthy. Right. Because it becomes, like, you can only exercise so much, you know? Especially, like, the way I'm doing it. Yeah, tell us how much that is, because you definitely hit the summit. Like, an hour and a half a day. Yeah, that's it. That is because you definitely hit the stomach. Like an hour and a half a day. Yeah, that's it. That's it.

No more than that. These people that are at the gym for four hours at a time, I'm sorry, that's an addiction at that point. Maybe, but you're also – Unless you're training for something. How are you doing it? Like you can't hit the bag for four hours. Right. I guess people are kind of like moseying about.

I'm doing like – I do rounds. So I'll set the timer for three minutes. It's like a timer. It's like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. It goes off and it lets you know every 30 seconds. So I have this ringside timer and it says an interval timer. So every 30 seconds it gives you a bing. It gives you a bing.

Like a curves gem. Right. Sort of. So in 30 seconds you know you're sprinting for 30 seconds and then you're doing it at a slower pace for the next 30 seconds and then you're sprinting again and there's a red light and then there's a yellow light. And a red light is when it's time to stop. The yellow

light is when you're calm and then a blue light is go. So it has these three lights. So go means sprint, yellow means coast, red means stop. And so it's like this interval thing. Very regimented, you know exactly when you're done. So when I'm doing especially like rounds in the bag, you can only do it so much because your body breaks down. Because during the blue time, it's just chaos.

It's 30 seconds of just assault. You can't keep that up. Yeah. It's just too crazy. It's just wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. And then when it's over, and then the next 30 seconds, it's just too crazy it's just wow and then when it's over and then the next 30 seconds it's calmer it's like you're just sort of like getting your heart rate down and just going through the techniques and moving

and then the blue light comes on again thing so you can't you can only do it for so long right yeah but when it's over I'm like ah chirp chirp chirp birds and love and everybody's my friend. Yeah, I feel good that way after a hard workout too. I mean, you need it. You get the endorphin rush, but you also beat the demons down. That's the thing is all the aggression just goes out of me, like all the pent up stress. And I just think that my body's conditioned to do this.

It's been doing it for so long that if I don't do it, it just goes, when is it coming? When's it coming? Yeah. When's the war? When's the chaos? When's it coming? Do you cry ever? I cry for happy things most of the time.

I cry when I'm happy for people. Oh, that's good. But I cry if I think about people that like people that I miss and you know stuff like that that's good I definitely cry yeah well I cry a lot for like things that make me happy that's uh that's really yeah that's cute yeah I cry for people I cry when I'm happy for people but uh yeah I cry I feel that I know I'm not scared of emotions. Yeah. You know, I understand. Yeah. I'm scared of weakness.

I don't like weakness, but I don't think crying is weakness. I think it's weak to not want to cry. I think it's not, it's weak to not want to embrace the full spectrum of life. You know, and life is filled with beautiful things and amazing things. And it's also filled with horrible things like they're all there. And to deny that, I think, is to deny reality.

It is. And that is to be delusional. I'm afraid of being delusional more than I'm afraid of crying. I think it's really important that you just said that you cry and you think it's important because I think so many people that listen to you do not. So many men don't cry, Joe. You know that they do. I think I don people that listen to you do not. So many men don't cry, Joe. You know that. They do, I think. I don't think they do. They just don't want people to know.

Well, maybe they don't, but I just don't think they'll allow themselves to. And I put myself in that category. Like, it's really hard for me to cry. Like, I have to be talking to someone about my – I have to have it kind of mirrored back to me, my emotions, so that I have license to cry. But it's not something that comes naturally to people. But I think it's important to do. I cried on the podcast just real recently. Really?

Yeah. There was a guy on, Josh Dubin, he's a lawyer, and they were talking about the Innocence Project. He works with the Innocence Project. And they got this poor man who was an immigrant, I believe he's from Guatemala who was unjustly accused of murder. And they got him out. And, you know, they were just going through the whole story about how the prosecutors were trying to keep him in jail even though he knew he was innocent. And they finally got him released.

And they're talking about this thing. And I just start crying. Yeah. This poor guy is thinking about this guy who, like, makes his way to America to try to do better for himself. I was thinking about this guy who makes his way to America to try to do better for himself. And he winds up getting caught up in this fake murder accusation. Yeah. Yeah.

I cried about that. Yeah. I think men need to cry more. Is that another one of your folders? Yeah. Men crying. I'm seriously turned on by men crying. I love it. Can i really put that out

there i i the one time my ex-boyfriend cried in front of me you got hot i was blowing him while he was like still like sniffling like still his tears were like hitting me on the head i'm not joking you it was i felt so inappropriate doing it but i was like this is so hot that you are opening up and you are emoting. And that I don't have to deal with these feelings in another way, which is you being mad at me or you bottling up your anger. I mean, these feelings have to come out somewhere. It just was so erotic to me to see a guy so sensitive. I think it's very weak of people to be afraid of feelings.

Yes. There's nothing wrong with feelings. Feelings can't kill you. There's something wrong with being a bitch. Yes. There's nothing wrong with feelings. Feelings can't kill you. There's something wrong with being a bitch, though. There's a difference. This is what's important. There's something wrong with being weak. There's something wrong with shirking your responsibility or not doing the things that you know you're supposed to do

because you want to cry and wallow away all your day and feel sorry for yourself. I do not support people feeling sorry for themselves. Because there's a perspective. Particularly with men. There's a perspective. You can change your perspective. You can just take action and do things.

There's nothing wrong with feeling sad. There's nothing wrong with feeling emotional. But there is something wrong with feeling sorry for yourself. And there's a lot of wrong with feeling sorry for yourself. And there's a lot of men who feel sorry for yourself for no fucking reason. Really? But I think feeling sorry for yourself is important. Why?

Because that allows you to feel those feelings. To say, you know what? I had a shitty childhood. I had a shitty mom. And I got a fucked up deal. That guy from Guatemala that came here, he should feel sorry for himself. His life got fucked up. I don't know if he should feel sorry for himself.

I definitely think he should feel the pain of what happened to him. I mean, there's no way he can't. And I definitely think that he should feel happy that he's been released and that these wonderful people worked really hard to get him out. And then I also think he should feel some anger that these motherfuckers wanted to keep him in jail when they knew he was innocent. I mean, I think there's nothing wrong with all those things, but to just be paralyzed by that and not do anything and then use it as an excuse to never live your life, fuck that.

That's the difference. And that is a choice. And that is also something that you get, you learn as a man. There's people that can, there's people that you can count on and there's people that are going to fall apart. And there's a difference. There's, there's moments in your life where you can be dwarfed by that moment, or you can rise to the occasion. And who you are forever is dependent upon how you react to those moments. And you could just decide, I can't. Everything is just too hard.

And you just be a bitch. Or you can go, yeah, this is hard, but I'm going to do it anyway. I'm going to get through this. And then you learn, oh, I could do it. Oh, I could move forward. And the people that learn that, they need to tell other people that they learn that and then other people can learn it as well. It's a reaction to pain, a reaction to bad feelings, but to take action, to be a person who actually recognizes that these feelings are

normal, but you still have to keep going. You still have to move on with your life. That's the difference. That makes sense. Because there's too many people that just use whatever happens in their life as an excuse for why they're a failure. Or use it as an excuse for why other people do well. Well, I can't because this happened when I was young. Right. Just fucking get up and go.

Just go. I think you can do that after you acknowledge, like, you can let yourself feel sorry for yourself a little bit. Don't sit in that too long. But if you always, because I think I'm just speaking more to myself because I've had to actually seek out therapists who teach me how to feel sorry for myself. Because so much of me is like, what are you complaining about? Look at your life. Come on. You don't have anything to cry about. Don't feel sorry for yourself because so much of me is like, what are you complaining about? Look at your life. Shut up. Come on.

You don't have anything to cry about. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Don't do that. And then I never get to feel sad. So how do the therapists teach you that? They go, my God, that sounds really hard. And I go, well, people have it worse. It's fine.

No, let's go back. You were scared then. You didn't get the support you needed. That's really, that's not fair. That sucks that that happened to you. Will you feel that? Will you feel that you needed more support back then when you didn't get it and you were scared and you didn't know any different because you were a little girl? They take me back there and they go, feel sorry for her.

Feel sad for that girl. And I have to go back and kind of let myself feel sorry for myself. And is there a relief in doing that? Yeah. I think it allows me to stop pushing all my feelings down and being like, I got to be brave. I can't complain because what are you crying about? You have a roof over your head. You have parents who love you.

But once they do that, is there a build up afterwards, like a build back up where they're like, OK, now that you've acknowledged the fact that you're validated or you have valid feelings and that there's a reason why you felt fucked over, there's a reason why you felt abandoned. Now that you've like, let's look on positive aspects of Nikki Glaser. Let's look at life. Let's look at, let's have some perspective. Do they do that? We haven't gotten there yet because we haven't covered all the Trump. That's the worry. My worry is that there's merchants, that there's something very valuable in selling pity.

There's something very valuable in dwelling on these moments of your life that have been bad. And I think there's something in what you're saying that is valid before you were dealing with this, where you're saying, look at your life. Like, you've got it better than a lot of people. What are you complaining about? Like, not that you should look at it that way, but that there are positive and negative ways to look at things. The thing about having a bad childhood and having bad childhood experiences is that it makes you a more interesting and resilient person. And that is undeniable.

And that I think is something that it's very difficult for people to come to grips with when they look at their childhood and they look at bad aspects of their life. They want to dwell on it. I'm like, okay, get that out of your system. Then I want you to look at it this way that has given you a depth that most people don't possess yeah and that's why you're interesting i know everyone that i know who's interesting has had some fucked up child and as a parent it's weird because i want to protect my children from adversity but yet all of my favorite people

have come from adversity so They are so fucked up. I know I've come from, that's gotta feel, because you want to make the best, you want your kids to be funny. You want them, yeah, that's usually the case. It's like whenever I see someone who's just like, sometimes you meet someone who's like stunning, but they're also funny and you're like, what?

How? And then you're like, oh, you were molested. Okay, now that makes sense. Exactly. You had to go through something fucking awful what how and then you're like oh you were molested okay yeah that makes sense exactly you had you had to go through something fucking awful to develop a personality so you're right i mean i i i'm so grateful for uh those times when i was little and scared and confused and felt abandoned and all these things and i had great parents who did they couldn't have done better. But I was just a sensitive child who needed a little bit more. But I don't think it's serving me anymore to just suck it up and say, what are you so

sorry about? What are you so sad about? You shouldn't be so sad. Because I really struggle with that. That's why I keep asking, like, are you depressed, Joe? Do you know anyone? I need to find people who are depressed that- My life is so good, though.

Yeah. The problem is if I was depressed, it would be really disheartening for everybody that has a life that's not as fortunate. Right. But I think my depression is chemical. I think so, too. I think it's just like my brain. I was born that way. There's nothing my parents could have done differently to make me not suffer with depression and that that I just have to I

have to feel I have to I have to feel sad like oh that sucks that I have a brain that tells me to kill myself once a quarter and that I have to have those thoughts and I think those thoughts are right and I know that I'm not ever going to act on those thoughts but that sucks that I even have to have them is there a correlation though between how well your life is going, like when your life is going great, and how good you feel? No. No. Oh, man. The best my life has gone is some of the worst times I've felt.

That's where there's a real solid argument for the chemical imbalance, right? Because there's some people that I know that have had depression, but they've only had it when their life was in the shitter. Like when a girl left them or when they lost a job or things started going. Then they got depression. And I'm always like, hmm, what is the difference between depression and not doing well? So you feel bad. Yes. There's a difference.

Yeah. The chemical depression that you're discussing. That's the real shit. That's like the real mental. Like there's a there's like a clogged pipe or something yeah it's not going through and it doesn't and i and you look at your life and you look at everything that's going on and you just it doesn't make sense why you feel so sad or why you feel like such a fraud or why you feel like you should kill yourself i mean like right what what is that I don't know and the thoughts

are so they're not even like I sit down and go I want to feel sad and like think of ways to kill myself it's like

I'll just be sitting there and I'll be like kill yourself like whisper like I don't hear voices but they're not thoughts I want to have the thought is just like

I don't like to wallow in it it really yeah I mean I really I compare it to getting a cold like it just i feel it coming on i'm like oh shit there's a thought and i don't know what do you get these right when you close your laptop after kink.com usually that's what i'm feeling pretty good that's what i'm feeling the best is after i've done that i don't have that depression that people

have of of like regret i mean i'm disgusted about talking about all these things that I'm into. And honestly, I only masturbate once every two weeks. So this isn't like an addiction for me. It's just- But when it comes on, it comes on like a freight train. Yeah, when I open my laptop, I am going into-

War. Anal graduate three. Like just women who are going through some kind of master's course. Tom Segura sent me a video the other day. I'll show it to you if you like. But I don't remember what I sent him. But he sent me a video of this young lady.

We were just saying, hey, how are you? Laying on her back. And she's just punching herself in the vagina. What? And it's just going. Okay, you need to see. And it's just going. Will you please show me?

It's just going in. And I'm like, what in the hell? I have learned so much about the plasticity of vaginas and assholes from kink.com. It's crazy. It doesn't seem like it should be real. A lot can go on. A lot can fit up there that you just can't even believe. There's just something so like, oh my god. Whoa! Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Oh my god, it looks

like she's playing that Price is Right game where you punch through. She just keeps going in there. Oh my god. Oh, she's so angry. Her face. Oh my god! Yeah, that's what I'm saying. No, no, no, no, no. I know. She keeps doing it for a long time, too, by the way.

It's a long video. Yeah. Tom, if you ever need something fucked up to look at, holler at Tom. Okay. Tom Segura. Yeah, Tom and Christina are into some weird shit. He's got his finger on the pulse of all that's wrong. Oh, yeah.

Did you see the one of the balls being shit out of the ass? Yes. That was kind of weirdly beautiful. Well, very unusual. Yeah. First of all, to have balls that will make it all the way to your ass is weird. And then not just make it all the way to your ass, but go inside, like all

tucked inside like he's laying eggs. The stuff he puts on and filmed it. Had to set up a camera. I mean, that guy's practicing. That girl that was just violently fisting herself had to prop up her camera across the room and then go scoot back. Or somebody else was filming it.

Oh, yeah, that's true. That could be. But the guy with the balls up his ass, apparently he lets guys fuck him in the ass with his balls in his ass, and his favorite thing is fucking guys while he has his own balls in his ass. Yeah, okay. Okay. Hey, listen, you can't judge.

I certainly can't. It makes me feel less alone that there are people out there that are into weirder stuff than I am. There's people into weird shit. The weirdest thing about human sexuality is the spectrum of it. Like how much,

like one thing that you would say to another person would turn them on. Another person would never call you again. Like how much, how weird, like one thing that you would say to another person would turn them on. Another person would never call you again. Like you fucking freak. Yep. They'd run away from you. I know.

And that's why so much of stuff on kink.com, I'm just like, get off of her feet. I don't need you to be doing that. Why is she, that hurts her nipples. Take those off her nipples. Like that, all the extra stuff. I just want very, I wish I could just, I need to just produce my own porn i think maybe that's your future possibly i mean i don't really want to be in it but i would like to get behind the camera and make the videos that i'm craving isn't the thing about porn though is that like the girls never really make the money it's always the

producer and like the the reason why people are tuning in is for the girl. Yeah. But the girl's never the one who's getting rich. It's always the people behind. But I don't know if anybody's getting rich anymore. I mean, maybe, I guess they must be. They must be making some money. Only fans. Yeah. Yeah.

But that goes to the girls, right? Right. Mostly. Yeah. But when I was, when I first bought, not the house I'm living in now, but another house in the past, I had a neighbor who was balling out of control. He always had these really nice Mercedes-Benz parked in his driveway and Porsches and shit. And he always was wearing big fat watches and shit. And he was a porn producer.

And he was laughing about how much money he made from porn. But then the internet came along. And it was so quick. It was so quick where the internet killed his business. Because this is, you know, we're talking about, I guess it was like the 90s, the early 2000s. He was making all this money, and it was DVD sales. Right. And then all of a sudden the internet came along, and online porn and bandwidth just kicked up to the point where you could actually stream it.

And they foreclosed in his house. And I'll never forget that. I'll never forget finding out that that guy was losing his house. And I was like, wow. Because that guy was always so flashy. Everything was like gold chains and he had a fucking silver tooth and he was doing coke all the time. And he always had girls over his place. He was just making so much money.

Yeah. And it was from selling porn. But it was not the girls weren't making that money. There's like, I mean, there's been a few girls, I'm sure, that have made a lot of money in porn, but it's real rare. It is rare. There's like, you know, like, yeah, it's not it's not the girls that I'm seeing on kink.com. In fact, there's a great documentary on Netflix called Hot Girls Wanted that talks about... Oh, I heard about that.

I haven't seen it. Dude, it's so upsetting. These girls, they find these girls, they post ads on Craigslist, and they find girls that are fresh out of high school that just want to get out of their small town, and they're promised to make $1,000 a day, you know, if you do like six shoots, maybe. to make a thousand bucks a day. You know, if you do like six shoots, maybe. And they burn out within like four months.

And they make, they shoot all these videos that are up forever. Forever. And then they, and they get really sick. They're, they get like, they get too much use down there and they have to go to the doctor and they have different abrasions and certain things. And that's how they get, and they, then go to the doctor and they have different abrasions and

certain things and that's how they get and they then they're doing really fetishy type stuff where there's one girl that is in it that has to do like a brutal session which king.com has a lot of brutal videos which i hate that word in porn because that's usually like do you just see girls that you're like oh she she could not have left that shoot feeling empowered about herself no matter what. I mean, it's just so sad what they say and do to these girls. And in that movie, there was one girl that was like, yeah, I went to a brutal session today. And you could just see the life lost in her eyes. And these girls just last.

I mean, a year is a really long time for them to last. And they think it's going to be this glamorous life. I mean, a year is a really long time for them to last. And they think it's going to be like this glamorous life. I mean, they're so young. But that's. Well, when you're 18 years old, you're basically a kid. Yeah. You're not really. I mean, you're an adult only on paper.

Right. And in size, you know. But you're a kid. Like, your mind's not formed yet. And your ideas of what's okay and what's not okay they don't they're not balanced for your plane ticket to go to miami and live in this house with a bunch of other porn stars and it's like this shitty fucking apartment with the producer who lives with you and you're taking care of his dog i mean it's it's you got that documentary is really incredible and it makes you second guess

where where your porn comes from that's why i I got to pay for mine. But it's also the way people look at you forever. Like if you have a sexual relationship with a person and someone does crazy shit to you, that's just what you wanted and you both did it and that's okay. Like, you know, maybe people will laugh, but they don't have to see it all the time, right? The thing about porn with a woman is if a woman does like some crazy gangbang

or something like that, that's always going to be there. And some guy is, you know, like, hey, that girl that you're going to marry, check out this link. And someone sends you this link and you go, oh my God. And you see her as if she's right there,

right now doing this. I know. You don't see her as if there's a person who made a mistake when she was 18 and did this thing, but now she's 30 and you love her. No, you still, she's broken and damaged. Hopefully you can get over that. Hopefully. But a lot of people aren't strong enough. A lot of people can't.

To do that. A lot of people, they won't be able to rationalize or objectively look at this and go, listen, she made some mistakes. Some people, you know, some people went to jail for shoplifting and then, you know, they realize you shouldn't steal. And then, you know, they get out and then they live a normal life. No one goes, oh, yeah, but look, you're a shoplifter forever. Right. Right. forever right right although you know i i relate to some of these porn actresses just in the sense that i've said things and done things on stage or like that i'm like oh no that's always going to

i mean like even today i mean someone's going to my husband someday might watch this yep and be like look what you were into and what you admitted. Yeah, but you are a grown woman. You're not a child. Right. And a man who's into that, like who's into you, would go, she's just being honest. I'm just being honest. I think that's what I just try to be. That's empowered.

I mean, it really, it's kind of fucked up to be empowered that way. Because, you know what I mean? Because people are like, wait a minute, you're empowered by watching girls get gang raped and gagged and fucking pissed on and stuff? I made that part up. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Gang banged. Yeah.

Sorry about that. No, no, no. But I'll get there. I'll get there. But you're a grown woman. You can find a man who recognizes and respects you for what weird shit you're into as a grown woman. But when you're 18 years old, you're not even a grown up. I know.

You're just not. You're a person who's legally responsible for yourself because you're an adult. It's fucking weird. It's a weird thing because even just regular porn, just regular sex, Even just regular porn, just regular sex. It's strange that we all want to have sex, but no one wants to see the person that they have sex with having sex with someone else on film. I know. Even though you know that they have had sex before.

You're like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I can't hear you. But no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. La, la, la, la, la, la. It would be interesting to hear, I mean hear how boyfriends of people who have done porn... I think some guys can just handle it and they can be okay with it. Some guys like it. I like hearing about...

My ex-boyfriend, not porn, but if he made sex tapes with other girlfriends... You'd want to watch them? I would. Yes. I love it. We've got to put these in a bank vault so we don't lose them. want to watch them? I would. Yes. Yeah, I love it. We got to put these in a bank vault so we don't lose them. I would watch them all the time. I would want to hear about them all the time.

I'm really into that. I really love hearing about ex-girlfriends or even, you know, I hate to even say this because it just sounds ridiculous. And maybe I'm not into it anymore but when i did the last time i had a boyfriend years and years ago i wanted him to go have sex with other girls and like tell me about it really yeah and and dr drew has told me that there's something wrong with me that that's what i like like that's not wrong with dr drew how about that yeah Yeah. He's not perfect. He's not. No. But I, yeah, I like that.

What did he say was wrong with you? He said that Nikki, he made me look him in the eyes and tell him I'm enough. You are enough, Nikki. Look at me. You are enough. You are enough. I don't want my boyfriend to bang someone else because I don't think that I can be enough. It's because I like— You think it's hot.

I just think it's hot. And I don't feel threatened by it. I really don't because most of the time if you let your boyfriend bang someone else, they don't really want to. It's like almost like giving them the license takes away the fun of cheating. So it's kind of hard to find guys that are into this. And I don't always want this. Not now. Listen to this podcast.

They're going to come floating into your DMs. I've been saying this for years and no one's hit me up. Guys actually don't like this because they want their women to only want them. And it's not that I don't want them. I want – if I'm girl I'm very turned on by guys who other girls want to fuck like I like having a guy being like he's mine and you you can't have him if you want like I get him and I know you want to fuck him but you can't but actually you can and he's gonna tell me about it later and you're gonna think that you're gonna like steal

him from me but you're not we're to talk about you behind your back later on. And I want her to have a really good time. Dr. Drew is right now just screaming, taking his headphones off. Nikki, you're enough. You are enough. I know I'm enough. But I just, there's, it's just. What did he, how did he, how did you guys resolve the conversation?

Well, he was the one that was told me that I need to go see a therapist that like helps me feel my feelings i like found my therapist because dr drew was like you need to go to emotionally focused therapist because you don't feel your feelings and you need to find someone who like really mimics your feelings back to you mimics yeah because i don't really let myself get sad or get mad and i you know i just i kind of just i'm always running from one thing to the next because I don't like to feel at all. Interesting. Yeah. But he just said that compulsion to have, but it's always been there. Whenever I'm with a guy, I want to hear about,

when was the last time you hooked up? What happened? What did you do? I want to know all those things. And they think it's a trap. They're like, oh, you're going gonna get jealous and this is gonna lead to like fights later on but i want to like hear about it and talk about it and i don't know it just it really does it for me i i it's it's a weird thing and he rejects that yeah he thinks he thinks that

it's it means that i have low self-esteem, which I'm not denying. I do. But that's not what it is. But I don't think that's where, I mean, maybe that's where it comes from, but it does. I don't think it is. I think it's a sexual kink. Yeah, it's not. I'm not a cuck.

I'm not in the corner like, oh, you're fucking my boyfriend. Like sad about like, oh. Could a girl be a cuck? Yeah. I didn't know a girl could be a cuck. I'm sure they could. I mean, it makes sense.

if you're just like, I want to stop fucking my boyfriend. Like, I could see that. But no, I'm like in the corner like, do it.

And I don't even want to be involved. I'm just like, haha, I love it. She's getting it. Wow. And like,

and I'm not, I don't know why I'm not jealous. First of all, I've been fucked by enough guys who haven't wanted to be with me afterwards. So I don't think that my boyfriend's going to fuck someone and be like, I need to marry her.

If anything, he's going to be like, I need to get away from this chick. Like, it'll make him not want to fuck her anymore. Yeah, yeah. That usually does it. Based on my experience, when you have sex with a guy, he doesn't really want to hang out with you afterwards. That is hilarious. So the way to keep your man is to let him fuck other girls. That way he won't want to be with them anymore.

Yes. And if he does want to be with them, go be with them. I don't want to keep you from that. But I just, I have a lot of self-esteem in terms of like, I'm a cool chick. I feel like, yeah, I'm a lot, as you said on the last podcast, and I was never counting them out of my head. No. I am a lot. And that's a good thing. That bothered you when I said you'm a lot, as you said on the last podcast, and I've never gotten them out of my head. No. I am a lot, and that's a good thing.

That bothered you when I said you were a lot? It didn't bother me, but I felt seen, Joe Rogan. I felt seen. I just felt like, yeah, I felt like, wow, he, I don't know. I just, I didn't know what to think of you before we have hung out. And we really only hung out on the podcast, which is like a real hang. I mean, this is no different than if we were alone together and just hanging out as comics. But, yeah, I just felt like, my God, you really, you just showed me a part of myself that I was maybe denying.

Because I just picture myself like, I'm such a cool chick. I'm so fun and easy. Like, why does anyone and then you go but you're a lot and it was just like oh fuck like maybe I'm not the total package that I think I am and that's okay I'm a lot a lot is not bad it's not okay no it's not when I say you're a lot it it's like, whoa, there's a lot going on there. It's not bad. But am I enough? Are you enough? Look at me. Say you're enough.

Nikki, you're enough. You make me look at you and say, say you're a lot. Say you're a lot. I'm a lot, Joe. Say you're a lot. I'm a lot. You know you're a lot. I didn't know.

You've said you're a lot the whole podcast. Because now I know I'm a lot. Yeah. Oh, you didn't know until I said it? I had no idea. Jesus. I thought I was kind of easygoing and chill. But I am, now I know I'm a lot. Yeah. Oh, you didn't know until I said it? I had no idea. Jesus. I thought I was kind of easygoing and chill. But I am totally not.

And I'm a lot. I am chill. I'm really fun. You are. And I let my boyfriend bang other people. Or I would be into discussing that happening. But, yeah, I'm a lot. And that's okay.

It's okay. That's okay? For sure. Yeah, you're fun. Yeah. You're hilarious. I, you're fun. Yeah. You're hilarious. I can be really fun. I think that's also, it has to be a part of why you're such a good comic.

Thanks, Joe. It has to be. It has to be. Those two things have to be connected. Yes. Yeah, it's all that madness comes out in the creativity, and it comes out in your writing, and it comes out in your performance. Yeah.

That's part of why it's so good. Thanks, man. But you have to know that, right? I didn't. Anybody who does what we do is crazy. Yeah. There's no way around it. We're all crazy.

My crazy is different than Doug Stanhope's crazy, which is different than... You just keep going down the line. Everybody's got their own... Ali Wong's got her own crazy. Everyone's got their own crazy. Yeah. Insecurity.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But for for you when it comes together it makes great comedy yeah i'm intense yes and it does i'm really intense i am you are and i and i'm already like going over things i've said here and i'm like i am never gonna find a fucking husband you will not. Not true. I will. 100%. Thanks, man. Yeah. No doubt. Yeah.

This is a guy like now listening to this going, I need to find her. Yes, I'm going to get hit up a lot on this thing. I knew she was out there. Thank you. Yeah, I'll be, the person I end up with will take me as I am. I can't change for anyone anymore. I've been doing that too much. Will I get The Tonight Show after this

interview? That's... Good. You don't want it. Fuck what you want to do with that thing. I would like to host a late night talk show someday. If you did, you should be doing it on the internet. No one should ever try to censor you. No way. What makes you

fun and interesting and special is you. All of you. All of you that you showed here. Not some weird Procter & Gamble version of you that's going to sell tampons on some late night bullshit show. The fuck out of here with that. That would be a waste of you. If you had to do the Ellen DeGeneres show, it would be a fucking waste of you. Right. Like, if they get rid of Ellen because she's so mean, and they bring in Nikki Glaser, and

you have to pretend you give a fuck about dancing for all these people. I like dancing. I bet you do, but you'd also like to talk about getting gagged and- I know, but I could- And having your boyfriend fuck other guys. They'll never give me that show because I've admitted these things. But that is what you should talk about. I know, but I could be more than those things.

But you are more than those things. I could save that for here. Uh-uh but I could be more than those things. I could save that for here. No, you are all those things. You can do other things here as well. Not mean here as in the internet. You can do other things. You could talk about everything you want to talk about. Not just little segments that you have to

save parts of it. The parts that are disturbing for some people. Save that for the people that get it. For my Patreon. I was going to say that. I was going to say Patreon. I'm a late night host with this Patreon. That world is fucked.

That world of censored, you don't know. One of the reasons why the Ellen thing is so fascinating to people, when people find out that she's mean, they're like, you know that's not all she thinks about and talks about when she's doing that show right like if we found out that jimmy fallon was secretly doing heroin and fucking guys he'd be like i knew it i knew you couldn't be that that same guy all the time it's just too too but that's what people want why do why why is that the way it is that i don't it is then? I don't think they do want it. I don't think they do want it.

Then why aren't advertisers investing in people who are being honest in- Well, they are. Well, now they are. On podcasts. Yeah. I have a lot of ads. No, I know you do. You're leading the charge.

But this is mainstream now. The world of television, the censored view of things, it's not viable anymore because it's not real humans. So that's why the ratings are terrible. The ratings are terrible because it's not compelling because you only scratch the surface of human potential, of a human personality, of human interest. You only just you dabble in this very shallow pool, and you're like, oh, we're swimming. Look at us in here swimming. Stand up.

Stand up. Yes. It's ankle high. You're not swimming. You're lying on your stomach in a fucking kiddie pool where other people are jumping into the ocean of ideas, and that's the difference. But don't we risk getting in so much trouble?

With who? I mean. Yeah, some ads. Look, I i'm sure i know for a fact i've said things on this podcast where i've lost sponsors but then more of them come in they take their place yeah like you're not a bad person you're a good person that's what i keep going back to because sometimes i feel like a bad person not about the things i talk about you know you're not no there's nothing about you that's a bad person okay you're just honest about the way your brain works and everybody's brain works differently we're all weird we're

all weird and different but you don't know who's weird that's why the Ellen thing is so interesting to people because like oh she's mean she's secretly mean so she pretends to be nice but she's mean you know like if somebody just pretends to be this version of someone that we see in a mary poppins movie or we see in some sort of a disney television show like that's what freaks people out like like why is that person that like i think mr rogers was really like that i do too i think we were think we were getting, that's, he was honest. Yes. That was his honest, true self.

That really was him. But that's so rare. But if you found out that Mr. Rogers was a secret cunt, and he liked to spit on people at red lights, you know, like, you'd be like, what? Mr. Rogers? That's why people are freaking out about Ellen. Right. They're freaking out because it was-

Because it was just the opposite of what we thought. It's a scam. Yeah. People feel deceived. It's also a tyranny of being like the one person who's in charge of this whole empire and all these people, hundreds of people work around her like, Helen, can I get your tea? Helen, would you like crackers? Helen, would you like this?

Shut up. Get away. Get away from me. I'll have to say for people who don't know, Joe Rogan off the show is, you like exactly i was gonna try to make a joke but i'm like there is no joke to be made you're exactly the same i don't think i could be i don't think i could fake it that long right like i've done 1500 and whatever the fuck are these things and look i've displayed bad behavior i've displayed anger and stupidity. I've said stupid shit.

Have you said stuff you've regretted? Oh, fuck for sure. You leave sometimes and you're like, God, why did I say that? Have you made rules for yourself? Really? Yeah, I get high afterwards and I think about things I said. I was like, oh, I should have been so mean. I know, that's why I'm scared to get high later.

It's the thinking about being mean to people. To people or like talking about people. Talking about them. Yeah, just that it's going to hurt someone's feelings. I know. That's, that's what I freak out about too. Well, that's comes, well, there we go. People who are actually mean, don't worry about hurting people's feelings.

They just say it and they don't go back and go, oh no, what did I say? That's the mark of actually being a good person. Yeah, you say honest things that actually hurt people and then you get hot i get high and i go oh i shouldn't have said it that way but i really did mean it at the time but i don't want to hurt that person yeah i just want to take that out and do you apologize to you i have apologized before yeah i've done all those things look when you're doing what we're doing and you know this is where are three hours in now right it's 3 38 right now crazy time flies it really does when we're doing what we're doing we're we have no script i mean we only

shared a couple of text messages i didn't even talk to you on the phone no there was no there's no guest prep i'm not i'm not getting interviewed before here and what do you want to talk about and you have a list of things yeah we go wild i know anything can happen i was like trying to prepare for this like what am i going to talk to joe about and i go drop that yeah there's no agenda well if we did that there's no way you would have been so wild the way you know exactly so you're gonna this is a it's a fucking you're thinking so what should i do joe okay before we can i really came here I needed advice from you in like a real way and you just like what you just said to me really

meant a lot by the way. I needed to hear A. I'm not a bad person for the things I said. I shouldn't regret anything I say today because I've already I'm second guessing that and that then there was I forget something else. You're a very funny comic. Thank you. That felt good, too.

I am going to be in Pittsburgh next Thursday, and then New Jersey. What are you doing in Pittsburgh? You're doing a drive-in? I'm doing a drive-in theater in Butler, Pennsylvania, this coming Thursday. They're going to all yell out, kink.com! Yes, yell it out! Tell us! Please come see me.

My dad's opening for me. I'm bringing my dad to open for me. He's a musician, and we're singing a song together that's fucking hilarious that we're writing. I'm so excited. We're doing a parody of Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper's Shallow where we're talking about me living under his roof. It's so good. He's a really good musician and I can do a pretty good Lady Gaga and so I'm really working on that. So yeah, please can I plug my dates? They can come see me August 27th through 30th.

Tell some jokes, sing some songs, go to, what's the website? NikkiGlazer.com. I got four dates coming up, all outdoor shows, Pittsburgh, New Jersey, Massachusetts, and Connecticut. All right. Be nice to each other, people. Much love. Bye.