The Joe Rogan Experience - #1529 - Whitney Cummings & Annie Lederman

Episode Date: August 21, 2020

Whitney Cummings is a stand up comedian, actress, writer, and producer. Check out her new podcast “Good For You” on Spotify.  Annie Lederman is a stand up comedian. She is also the host of “MEANSPIRATION” podcast on All Things Comedy.

First of all, how do you two not have a show together? I don't know. Because hanging with you guys the other night at the store, first of all, how much fun was that? The best. It was so much fun. It was so fun. But is that what it... I can't remember because it's been so long.

It's been like six months now. Was that what every night was like? A lot of nights were like that. We just had the craziest, like a circus freak night. Just fun. Just laughing constantly. Oh my God. We used to go to the back bar and crack each other up.

Yep. That was the constant thing. For hours. It was either in the back bar and crack each other up. That was the constant thing. It was either in the back bar or the back smoking area and everybody was laughing. And you get like a low grade depression when you're not around it. Yeah, it's so true. You forget for months and months and months. And then we had one night where we're all like, ah! Just shooting up and saying ridiculous shit.

I do feel like I had like a crush on the night. Like I kept thinking about it like we'd fucked for the first time. I was like, I fucked that night. Is he thinking about me too? And I was texting with you guys. Do you remember this? We spent three days replaying the night. Remember when you said this?

That was so funny. I got so emotional when I pulled up and then I walked into the store. I almost cried. I was like, I can't believe I'm here. It's not like any of... If I had been away for five months and I came back, I'd be like, I can't believe I'm here.

It'd be great. But I was like, ooh, is here going to ever be here again? Is it ever going to be what it used to be? There's no reason why it shouldn't be if we could do it the other night. The way we did it the other night, everybody gets tested, you go and hang out, and it's fun. That was STD tests, but we do all have COVID, unfortunately.

My chlamydia killed my COVID, so I'm good. They cancel each other out. Well, COVID goes away. We think. We fingers crossed. Yeah, we don't know, right? What if it's an annual thing? It keeps coming back.

I have a friend who got malaria, and then he got malaria again when he got sick. So it had been dormant inside of his system my friend Justin Wren he runs fight for the forgotten he does charities in the Congo he builds wells for the pygmies and he's there all he got malaria three fucking times and so he goes over there he gets malaria like deathly ill comes back and then he beats it does all the medication then a long time later he gets really sick and when he gets sick the malaria kicks back in again, and he wasn't even in the Congo.

Malaria's like, not to be forgotten. This is a charity for me. Malaria has killed more people than anything. That's right. Like, anything ever. More than wars, I think. My dad had malaria. He was born in Panama because his dad was stationed there,

and he got malaria when he was a baby, but it never came up again. I think, Jamie, didn't we look this up? Didn't they say that, no, I fucked this up, He was born in Panama because his dad was stationed there, and he got malaria when he was a baby, but it never came up again. He never had any problems with it. Jamie, didn't we look this up? Didn't they say that, no, I fucked this up, that malaria has killed half the people who have ever died ever? Whoa. Something nuts.

That's wild. When we looked it up, it's been exaggerated a little bit, but it's definitely killed a lot of people. Let's say a quarter. If we say a quarter, it's probably pretty, imagine that. Just let's say 25% of all the people that have ever died ever have been killed by malaria. Mosquitoes, right? So I just put this on my Twitter or my Instagram that they released, or they're about to release,

some fucking untold hundreds of millions of genetically modified mosquitoes in the Everglades. I saw that. In the Everglades or in the Florida Keys? Florida, I think. Who the fuck knows? And what is it supposed to do? I don't know. You get some fucking nerds.

Did you read it? Delivering the vaccine? I got scared. I pulled away from it. And then I got a text from a friend of mine who's a biologist. And he was like, what the fuck are they doing? I'm like, if you're scared, now I'm really scared. I saw you post that.

I was like, maybe I should read the article. And then I was like, reading's really challenging. Maybe I'll just go and ask Rogan what happened. I'm still catching up on the murder hornets. Like I still don't know what happened with the pee tape. Like I'm so behind, every day is some crazy, adrenalizing story. Do you think the pee tape is real

and is it gonna come out like right before the election? But if it does come out right before the election, but does it work now because of the mail-in thing? Like people are, they're voting already, right? Right, right. I think we are sort of at a point where nothing fucking matters. We're in are sort of at a point where nothing fucking matters. We're in this sort of like nihilistic thing where it's like if a pee tape came out right

now of Trump like peeing on someone, we'd just be like... They don't care. Nobody cares. People that like Trump aren't like, I like him because of how he treats women. I like how he doesn't pee on women. I love how women leave the room with him dry from urine. As long as he didn't apologize, he'd be fine. Yeah, exactly.

As soon as you apologize, you're fucked. You can't cancel Trump. It's like in a car accident, the first person to apologize, it's their fault, so you gotta just get out in the car accident and just be like, what the fuck, man? What the fuck was that? But it is a gross thing when someone hits you

and then they say that was your fault, you're like, oh, this is the grossest. Oh, never apologize. You told me that your dad taught you that, right? Never apologize, yep. Which you told me after I got in a car accident. You were like, the one advice my dad gave me that was the best advice was, when I got in a car accident. The one advice my dad gave me that was the best advice was, when you're in a car accident,

never say sorry because you'll get blamed for it. But what if you actually did it? Then you should say sorry. If you hit somebody with your car No, you look at them and you go like, I'm gonna sue the shit out of you. You missing a leg? I'm not paying for that. Don't you think you should say sorry if you rear-end someone? Of course.

I did that. I was thinking about you because you posted that Irresistible, that book the other day. That book? Oof. Dude, I rear-ended someone texting like a year ago, and I got out and I was like, I know I need to have a consequence for this behavior because I was texting and driving. Well, you have to get the consequence, Caitlyn Jenner. You have to become a man. You have to transition after you do it.

Can you give me your doctor, Annie? Well, there's no consequences. That's how you avoid the consequences, right? Because nobody even talks about the Caitlyn Jenner thing. Yeah. It your doctor, Andy? Well, there's no consequences. That's how you avoid the consequences, right? Because nobody even talks about the Caitlyn Jenner thing. Yeah. It's crazy, right? Is it Kurt that has the joke where he's like, he harvested the vagina of the woman he killed? Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God. That is what I miss so much. Honestly. And that's Kurt Metzger. He hasn't been canceled in a couple years. He needs to be re-canceled. That's such a Kurt joke. He's so funny.

He's going to wake up and be like, fuck you guys. You just canceled it. It's a travesty that that guy's not more well-known. And every time I do podcasts with him, too. He's funny on podcasts. He's smart as fuck. He's really well-read. He's great.

Yeah, his ideas are very unique, funny, smart. Something that was so important at the Comedy Store the other night is that these last six months have sort of hoodwinked me into believing that jokes are dead. That we're not allowed to make jokes anymore. Right. Because Twitter, we're hallucinating with all the shit we're seeing on Twitter and blowing it up to be bigger than it should be. But as soon as I saw Tony Hinchcliffe, I said the most offensive shit possible, and everyone exploded and laughed, and I was like, ah, fuck it back.

He's the best for that. That little motherfucker will say the most evil shit. The moment something happens, there's no too soon for, I mean, Tony's like. No, no, no, no, not Tony. I don't think we're designed to just be on the internet. If you're just on the internet and not seeing human beings and making jokes around actual people,

you can be tricked into thinking that that shit's real. Well, Stan Hope really said it best once. He said, I could quit comedy, but I couldn't quit comics. And that's what the other night was like. I've had my little fix where I did a weekend in Houston a month or so ago, but it wasn't as fun as that night. That night was the most fun because it was just a bunch of comics just laughing at each other talking over each other it was just like amazing but it's the art form of saying shit you don't

really mean and everyone knows it we all know like if you say something really gross to me i know you don't mean it and i'm laughing hard it's like it's understood and it's also understood that you're you're taking a big fucking chance with our friendship by saying this crazy shit around me. Yes. Because you trust me. It's like the ultimate trust fall or something. I'm going to say some crazy shit to you. You're not going to abandon me or judge me.

It's like a trauma bond. Trauma bond. That's my favorite. It's my favorite. That's the name of your next special. Bond. Trauma bond. I'm going to name it.

That totally should be a special. Trauma bond. That's a great name for a special. But yeah, no, I've said some things to you where you've looked at me like, and I'm like, are we not friends anymore? Like there's two things I said to you that I'll never forget. And I like, cause I just say things when they come to my head. Yeah.

We noticed. If I react that way, it's because I have to react that way. It's like, well, once I was like, do I react that way, it's because I have to react that way. It's like. Well, once I was like, do you think you have CTE and like you could possibly like at one point like murder your family? And you went, do you think I could? And I was like, oh, I don't know. I was like, can I have a fanny pack? But, you know, part of the fun is mock anger.

Like what? It's like. The fuck did you just say to me? It's like emotional sparring or something, you know? And it's really fucked up because just what's been going on the last couple of years, you know, it's like I never feel more equal. Like when people wanna talk about men and women,

I never feel more equal than when a male comic is fucking pummeling me. Not physically, because they know I can fucking take it. Right, and you'll pummel right back. That's exactly right. That's what's fun about it. It's like, they're not doing it to be a bully. They're doing it because you want to spar. And you can handle it.

And you're like, okay, bitch. Let's go. And then everyone's at it. Nobody wants you to go like, ow, and then like sulk and walk away. That will ruin everything. That ruins everything. Thank you for not thinking I'm fragile. But it is funny when you just go like a little too far.

Well, that's the risk. Well, the pink hair thing I wrote about you, I was like, is she going to get mad at me about that? She tweeted, we were FaceTiming last night

and she tweeted, or Instagrammed a picture of it and she goes, Annie Letterman, you're a mess. And I wrote, okay, pink hair. That's nothing.

I don't know. I was just like, is she going to get offended? I don't know. Some people have weird Achilles heels, you know? Some people have weird, I mean, I'm doing the roasts all the time.

It's amazing how you can accuse people of rape and say like crazy shit, racist shit, but then as soon as you say like your dog's ugly, like they want to fucking storm off. And that's you, obviously. Roast battle was really good for comedy. Really good for comedy. That's where Annie and I met the first time. Oh, should we talk about it? Our meet cute story?

We, yeah. We didn't start off on great terms. It was okay though, it wasn't that bad. You texted me so fast after that I was like, it's so weird Whitney Cummings just texted me. You are intimidating, I am gonna say that. There's something very intimidating about you. It's cause you're showing your midriff at all times. It doesn't matter, all different shapes of muffins,

it doesn't matter what genre. I'm afraid I'm gonna get tetanus from your lips. Well, you're confident. That's one thing. It's Asperger's, honestly. There's a fear that you could be mean. So that's what people are scared of. That you're confident, but you might be mean.

It's like, ooh, I got to tread lightly. I always think the funniest thing is the truth. You also dress. You wear military garb. You dress like a Navy SEAL. I do look like anti-Semitic. I'm going to be honest with these boots. What happened to those boots?

You know, I just was like, should I wear sneakers or boots? Annie's dad didn't love her. No, my dad loved me a lot. He just was very mean. No, not that much. Way too much. No, I was a teacher or whatever.

Now you're just bragging. I don't want to brag, but... No, but so I did, it was when Jason Reitman was filming the roast battle for Sundance. And it was me against Mike Lawrence, who's an old friend of mine. We did mics together and stuff. And you and Dane Cook were the judge. And I remember coming out and being so excited that Dane was there because I had a joke written. But I went, I went, I went, I'm so I'm such a big fan. I'm so glad you're here. But, Dan, I'm such a big fan. I'm so glad you're here. But I'm confused.

If you're here, who's at the improv getting bumped by Chris D'Elia? And he just went away. I didn't expect he was going to go. He went like, that was funny. And then he liked me afterwards. And I was scared because I was like, is he going to tell me all my jokes suck now? But he was cool. But then he said something else where he said to someone, you're really good, you're going to be very successful. And I was like, yeah, but just don't take financial advice from Dave Cook.

And he was like, don't hire his business manager. His story that he told in your mom's house of how his brother stole his money is terrifying. Crazy. Terrifying. Crazy. Well, you said to me, I was saying, I was like, when I'm rich, I'm going to get a chef. And you were like, keep your circle small, Ann. You're like, you don't want a fucking chef. You don't even want an assistant.

Yeah. Yeah. When you have an assistant, that means you do too much shit. Do less shit. That's a good point. And by the time you tell someone to do something, you could have just done it yourself. Look, you can get lucky. I have friends that have had assistants that wind up being their best friends, and it's great. They're just a cool person that they met that needed a job.

But I also have friends that got sued by their assistant and David Spade got tasered and tied up. Almost murdered. Almost murdered by his assistant. His assistant was trying to kill him. David Spade has on his bedroom door a fucking latch, like a medieval wooden latch. And the fucked up part is

it's from the outside, so when you go in, you can't believe it. Imagine being a girl going into a hookup with you in Spain. He's like, hey, can I get you something to drink? It's like, damn. That's so crazy. And he's a small man. He's a tiny little guy.

So the fear of that must have been terrifying. Yeah. And I think the assistant, he told a story. He had taken, like overdosed on Tylenol PM or something. And if you take enough of that, your body goes into shock and you produce crazy adrenaline and has the opposite of a soporific effect or something. Really? So the guy was like hopped up and nuts.

And I think David had a gun under his bed and the guy took the gun out. I mean, it's wild. Be careful who you give the keys to your house to. Oh, I was going to say, be careful if you try to rob David Spade. He's got a gun under his bed. So make sure. Or if you do, just come in slow. Sneak under the bed first. It is a water gun for his comedy bits.

But also it's any assistant that wants to be a celebrity assistant wants what you have. Maybe. Right? Or maybe they just think it's a good job. Yeah. Generalizations are our business. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're fun.

But you can have a nice assistant. You can have a nice secretary. You can have good people you work with. Like there's a lot of people that are comedy teams, and it works out great. Like, look at Matt Stone and Trey Parker. Those fucking guys have been banging it out and making awesome shit forever. It can work. Why do you feel like they've been banging?

Like, they're not out. They're not out. But so how do we meet in it? Banging it out? No, no, no. But, you know, it's like, there's generalizations. We always like to talk about comedy marriages. They don't work out.

But sometimes they work out. Yeah, Rich Voss and Bonnie McFarlane. Rich Voss, Bonnie McFarlane. Oh, my God. I love them so much. Tom and Christina. Natasha and Moshe. Yeah.

They work. Yeah, Tom and Christina. There's a bunch of them. I'm excited to see these kids and what happens to these kids. Yeah, they'll be funny. They'll be funny kids. Yeah, they're going to be hilarious. They have to be.

Rich and Bonnie's daughter, I think she turned 13, Raina. She is the fucking funniest. Sometimes she does their show with them. I've known her since she was a kid. You think I'm scary. I'm like, your daughter's like a cunt in a good way. She's so funny. She's so cutting.

But I see her and I'm like, you've got to be on your toes because she's the funniest, sharpest. She's funnier than both of them. Can you imagine growing up in that house? Oh, my God. Rich Foss has one of my favorite jokes that we're probably not allowed to tell anymore. This joke is just fucking killing anymore. He had this joke. It's just fucking killed me. He'd go, I don't mind fucking a girl on her period.

I just pretend like I'm killing her. Jesus Christ. I know. That's like one of my favorite jokes. Oh, my God. That's a perfect example. Like, the reason why we're laughing is because he doesn't really mean that. Yes. That's the problem with writing something like that down in quotes.

You would go, these guys, these fucking assholes are laughing at this. Yes. Only because it's not real. But also the same people that are complaining about it are the people that watch true crime shit and are literally masturbating and falling asleep to a beautiful tale of murder. Yes. They watch CSI. They watch SVU.

All these things. Isn't it weird how many of those shows there are? Tons. People love it. And the ones, the really dumb ones, like many of those shows there are? Tons, people love it. The ones, the really dumb ones, like the CSI ones that are so clunky, like at the end, no disrespect, but you know what I'm saying,

like they kind of have to be. They're wrapping up a show in an hour. But at the end of it, it's always like, and they catch the bad guy. Every time you're like, now I can sleep. Isn't that what was in that book, Irresistible, that you were just posting about? Our brains are wired to need completion.

Like, we have to get to the end of something. Even if you're watching a shitty movie, if someone turns it off, you're like, I have to fucking know how it ends. It sucks. We're not edging with this movie. No country for old men was disappointing for a lot of people. Because the end, you're like, hey, that guy is okay? He gets away? What the fuck?

That's a wild movie. That's a wild movie. I rewatched a lot of classic movies over the last six months because we haven't been able to do anything. And I rewatched that shit. That shit is insane. The weirdest part, the haircut is the craziest part of that movie. His haircut's amazing. Yeah, he is disturbing looking.

That dude is so good. Wait, is that what I look like right now? Wait a second. He has your eye bags that's me in 10 years when I go full Joan Rivers

what is his name again Javier Bardem when I go full Joan Rivers I like how you Javier I remember

one time I was at the Brea Improv high as fuck like way too high and I'm sitting there just

breathing heavy and Joan Rivers show came on the television and when you see someone with those fillers in their face and the ratios all off off, and their face isn't moving, I was horrified.

I was sitting there just barbecued, watching the screen going, oh my god, this is crazy. Well, I have a theory about plastic surgery. If you're going to trim some off the nose, you have to put it on your chin or something. You have a certain amount of face meat, and it has to stay on your face. No, you're right. There's actually a golden ratio. Right, right. The Fibonacci sequence actually applies to your face.

That's why when someone gets a nose job and you're like, your nose looks good, but it doesn't look like it's your nose. Yeah. What's happening here? Nature knows what it's doing. There's a certain arrangement. It's like whack-a-mole. If you mess one thing up, you're going to have to move everything else.

But I was reading something about body dysmorphia, about how we've gotten so dysmorphic about what we look like, because we're always looking at ourselves on screens and in photos, which is the reverse of how other people see us. And they say that if you were to see yourself out in the world, you wouldn't be able to recognize yourself. That's how dysmorphic we are. That's ridiculous, because there's videos

of you. It's so stupid. Whoever said that's an idiot. Also, I have a twin brother. I would go, I'm right there. What the fuck are you talking about? That's me. I know what my tattoos look like. That's what my head looks like. But like, we're just so dysmorphic about what we- We have Google alerts on ourselves, okay?

People say ridiculous shit sometimes and it kind of sort of makes sense, but it doesn't. Like, I remember reading once that the Native Americans, when they first saw like Columbus and the people in the boats coming- They couldn't see them? They couldn't see them because they didn't know what that was. Get the fuck out of here. They figured it out. Then explain UFOs.

How do people see UFOs? Explain asteroids. I knew this would happen. I knew we were coming to aliens. I had a feeling. It didn't take as long as I thought it would actually. We had a bet. Whitney, you owe me $10,000. There's no way they didn't see the boats. That's a dumb thing. People are like, oh wow, they didn't see

the boats. How the fuck do you know what they saw? They saw things that look like this thing they're going to find out is called boats. But it's 500 years ago. How the fuck do you know what they saw? I think the more fascinating thing about what you're saying is the fact that people are so willing to believe it. Which is why we're in the situation we're in. People want to believe crazy shit. So when you see fake news, you're saying is the fact that people are so willing to believe it which is why we're in the situation we're in people want to believe crazy shit so when you

see fake news when you see you're like yeah that happened like you want to believe something ridiculous but it's also people say things like that like they couldn't see the boat so that you pay attention to what they're writing like oh this guy he's saying crazy shit and then you go and pay like that's why people say crazy shit there's a lot of people that are look when a lot of our friends yeah for sure. But like online trolls, right? What are they doing? They're saying crazy shit so you pay attention.

I mean, that's really what it is. And it's addictive. They know you get that adrenaline hit from the clickbait. I just thought they wanted me to know I'm a fat cunt. I didn't know that. I thought they were just like, she's gotta know she's a fat cunt. I'm a busted cunt. I have to tell her.

Oh my God. Has anything ever hurt your feelings in the comments? If I'm on my period, I'm filled with rage. And then I go, oh shit. I go, it's the red week, guys. It's the red week. You still get your period. That's good news.

The red week. Oh my God. Whitney, you just made yourself elderly for no reason. We're the same age, bitch. You're just more successful than me. That's what I was like. Whitney, you know we're the same age. You're just way more successful than me.

I think of you as being like 20 and I think of me as being like 71. Well, she had like a blackout segment of her life that like doesn't count. Yeah. Right? It counts towards you being funny, but it doesn't count towards like life progress. I'm five years younger than I am

because I just didn't have those years. But there is, you know, luckily- With drugs? Just drinking. Oh, got it, got it, got it. You know, just with enough Jaeger, you can really- Have I been with you drunk before?

I bet that's wild. No, I quit drinking right after my first open mic. I bet you're a hot mess. Oh, I was fun. They called me Fun Girl Annie, which I just realized was an insult now. I was like, oh. I was like, that's right, I'm fun. And everyone's like, yeah, bitch, you're fun.

Did it, like like destroy your life yeah I would definitely be dead now I think if I didn't stop drinking and what did you drink Jaeger I was

I loved Jaeger I liked whiskey I liked anything that was like kind of like I would be either be in a frat or like with a grandfather

like it was like very is it harder for clean comics when you're I mean clean meaning not sober when you're a rat I have no clue what it's like to be a clean comic

back to this conversation again. No. But when you go to a bar, like if you're at the comedy store and everyone's drinking. For me, not one minute. That's awesome. Not for one second. And it's funny. Sometimes people will be like, is it weird I'm drinking?

And I'm like, you think I would relapse with you? I know. Like, no. By the way, if I relapse, I'm like going to throw a party. We're going to an island. It'll be fun. I've never understood how people can drink so much on stage. When I see Stan Hope up there with a fucking thing of vodka, I just would get-

Most of the time, Stan Hope drinks Bud Light, though. Oh, nice. So it's like water, yeah. He drinks light beer, and he drinks it all day. Yeah. He's like, I just want to get fat. He's like, I'm not trying to get drunk. I'm trying to get obese.

Is that- He likes to keep a mild buzz all the time. I never want a mild buzz it's not a bad way to go like chappelle does that too if you notice chappelle will keep a mild buzz and there's something about mild buzz is that really accentuate who gives a fuck comedy yeah yeah like come on i don't give a fuck mild buzz though is like so unattractive i want to be i was like let's take like a smoke break from myself i was like let, let's black the... Bye, bitch. I had no interest in being just a little loopy.

I never drank wine until the pandemic. Because I was just fucking bored and trying shit out. I was like, what's my personality on this and this? And I was trying to find the best version of my personality. And it turns out it's rosé seltzer. It's wine coolers. It's White Claw and Roofies. So I was doing, definitely ketamine, by the way.

Whitney's been date raping herself, guys. She's been putting herself in a K-holes and then getting right in that hole. I do K and masturbate. No, the ketamine is prescribed, though. It's prescribed, yeah. Yeah. It's like a nasal spray. You have it here?

It's in my purse somewhere, yeah. What's so funny about it is it's a nasal spray, but when I was going to raves and doing it, we also nasally injected. I mean, they're literally just... This is a pretty trace amount. It's not a lot, and I only do it like a couple times a week. A couple times a week.

What does it do when you do it? Let's do a bunch of ketamine and stab ourselves. That's got his cooties on it. It went through his arm. I don't even think we cleaned it. Did it really go through his arm? I pushed it through. And then he made you stop for a second?

Yeah, I hit a nerve the first time, then I had to back out and do it again. I didn't want to do it. Did the frog live? Yeah, the frog's fine. He shit the frog out? He threw it up in my hand. Do you know that there's a book called Eat That Frog that's about getting your work done in the morning?

It's funny, he literally ate the frog. Oh, like eat it, just like get it over with? Like get the worst part done? Andy and I have swallowed way weirder things, to be honest. We swallowed a lot, honestly. That's not even a sharp ice pick. Did it make a sound at all? No, it just was like puncturing a steak.

And it wasn't, you picked the spot that you stabbed. Well, he kind of pointed me towards his arm, like what area is a better place to go through, but it was bleeding. Do you think it would taste like elk? I don't think so. I think people taste like pigs. Mmm.

Ooh. That's what they say. It changes everything. Cannibals call people long pigs. Long pigs. That's literally a nickname. Did you notice that Blaine, whenever he would have you do something, he would first doubt himself? It's almost like a power of suggestion thing where he'd have you do something, he would first doubt himself?

It's almost like a power of suggestion thing where he'd be like, no, no, it might be fake. Test it out. It might be fake. Remember the frog? It might not be a real frog. This might be weighted. So you can see it right there. That's where I'm going through his arm.

Whose hand is that? That's his hand. That's his hand. He's like pushing on the skin. That is the darkest hand I've ever seen in my life. He gets tanned. He's like pushing on the skin. That is the darkest hand I've ever seen in my life. He gets tanned. He's got a lot of money. Is there something psychological?

It's either you're very poor or you're very rich if you're tanned. Your face, Joe! Is there something psychological about him doing that? Like, touch it. Maybe it's fake. Make sure it's not fake. Yeah, I'm sure it does that with cards. And I'm sure, I don't know anything about magic, but I would imagine anything you could do to overload the brain.

Like if you're... Distract. Yeah, if you're sparring with someone or fighting, one of the things you're doing is you're trying to overload their brain. So you're moving, you do things, you faint, you fake like you're going to punch, then you kick them. But what you're doing is you're fucking with their heads, giving them too many things to think about. He's kind of doing that too. Yeah. Like check the cards out, and he says things, and he kind of doubts himself and asks you if you're doing is you're fucking with their heads giving them too many things to think about he's kind of doing that too like check the cards out and he says things and he kind of doubts himself

and asks you if you're sure there's so many techniques involved in it but he is a master amazing him doing that shit he had so cool

he did a card trick with one guy holding one of his wrists and another guy holding another wrist like he couldn't do anything his sleeves were rolled up

and he did a card trick for us so cool someone I know you're not supposed to say how couldn't do anything. His sleeves were rolled up and he did a card trick for us. So cool. Someone, I know you're not supposed to say how magic happens, but I don't think that this counts as like,

but there was this guy that I knew that did that. You're afraid you're gonna get in trouble at the Magic Castle? She's like, I'll never go to the Magic Castle again.

I'm afraid I'm gonna get canceled by magicians. Jimmy Schubert's gonna be so fucking mad at me. I don't want magicians coming for me, but sometimes they carve holes into their hands,

like flaps of skin, and that's where they put the coins underneath. What? Yeah, they carve they carve holes into their hands, like flaps of skin, and that's where they put the coins underneath. What? Yeah, they carve little divots in their hands, and that's how they hold the coins. How the fuck can you carve a divot in your skin? And then you let it heal? Yes, it's like scar tissue, and that's how they're able to hold the coins. What?

Crazy shit. I don't know. Come on, really? Is there really no way to find out how magicians do their tricks? Well, you'd have to become a magician. You have to. Yeah. They let you in. You've got to get out how magicians do their tricks. Well, you'd have to become a magician. You have to. Yeah. They let you in.

You've got to get in the club. It's amazing. Blaine was telling me that he has a friend that's a card guy that will literally be playing with his cards 13 hours every day. Every time he's on the phone with him, he hears... There are athletes in a way. Yes. That's what I was saying to him.

I was like, the way you move your hands, it's similar to martial arts because when someone's really good at a martial arts move, they have it just, the pathway is just greased and slicked and their neurons, and when they do it, it just goes, and that was kind of him with his hands. I was watching him move the cards around, I was like, whoa, like someone who plays guitar really good. Like there's something about it, or piano. It was fascinating.

Have you seen Kyle Dunnigan's joke about where he's like, I'm not good at magic, but I have good magician hands? And he's like. Have you seen Time Canceller? Have you ever seen this new thing they did? Oh, my God. What's that? He goes back in time to cancel people from the past. Oh, that's so good.

Yeah. He says a tweet. He says like a mildly racist tweet like, is it just me or does Indian food smell funny? And then he has to throw himself into a wood chipper. And so a team of incredibly diverse women scientists rebuild him and they put him back together again like the $6 million man out of the wood chipper. And then they turn him into a much more woke version of himself who's a time canceler. So he's part machine and he goes back in time and cancels people.

Oh my God, that's so funny. It's fucking hilarious. It's so funny. Dude, I miss everyone. I do too. I know, it sucks, dude. It's weird to think It's so funny. Dude, I miss everyone. I do too. I know, it sucks, dude. It's weird to think that we saw each other every night. I know. Every night for 15 years.

And just talking shit, having fun, and then boom, it stops. So weird. It's like a family being broken up. It really is. I don't think it should have stopped. I really don't. I don't. You know, I think people should be able to make their own decisions.

Well, I think that there's ways to do we could do the weird social distance things you know where it's it could either be outside or it could be you know people are far back and spread out it makes no sense that people are allowed to go outside have socially distanced meals but as soon as someone stands up with a microphone and starts talking it is a spitty job though i was watching you when they changed the lights in the main room right before everything shut down and the lights were dark i was watching you from the side i've never seen so much spit i was like it's like a fucking it's like one of the sprinklers kids jump through i was like droplet after droplet after droplet all gallagher turns out

and i was like holy shit and then um and then was thinking that, and then I went, oh my God, when it got shut down, we really do deserve, I mean, I think we might deserve this. Also, we're spitting into mics, and then I've made out with Tim Dillon, pretty much. I've gotten the flu a couple of times from people's microphones. One time I did a gig with Tommy, and Tommy was sick as fuck. We're in San Francisco, and we all got the flu, because we shared a microphone together. Davidson? No, Segura.

I started bringing a microphone with me on the road like a year ago because I kept getting fucking bronchitis from, you know. You get bronchitis from a mic? That's good for your own mic, yes, that's a good idea. And I was like, my opener, everyone thought I was such an asshole and being a diva, but I was just like, dude, I can't get sick.

I did like 40 cities before I shot a special and it was so worth it. I think that, I do think there's a lot of things that are happening in this that could carry over. Like I know you think of Master for Pussies or whatever, but I like that. I don't think masks are for pussies. There was a burr clip that went viral. That was me trying to talk him into talking shit.

It was the funniest. It was very funny. I like when you're like, I wear a bandana. I have it everywhere. I want to get a cool one. I'm trying to think. Oh, wait, can I show you the masks that I'm making? Yes.

I was trying to do it. Jay Leno would not approve of these. I was thinking about doing a joke. Remember when all the prisoners were released? Is that you? Oh, Annie! I love it. Do the people buy it?

Fuck yeah, they'll buy it. Where can they buy it? Well, go to my website. I'm going to launch them. I'm launching them this week. You got to do it immediately. Otherwise, people are going to jump on this before you. I'm going to launch it.

I'm launching it today when I leave. I will. Because the problem is when this goes up, these fucks people are going to jump on this before you. I'm going to launch it. I'm launching it today when I leave. I will. Because the problem is when this goes up, these fucks, they'll start putting it up before you. Well, I'm launching it today. That's the Annie Letterman thing. If anyone does it, Joe Rogan's going to fucking sue you. Okay? He's going to get another $100 million suing your ass for me.

There's so many people selling bootleg shit online right now. Isn't that funny, though? They bootleg everything. Fake Purell, all that shit. Well, bootleg shit online right now. Isn't that funny, though? They bootleg everything. Fake Purell, all that shit. Well, bootleg shirts. There's a lot of my shirts that are bootleg, a lot of mugs and stuff that are bootleg, all these different things that have nothing to do with me

with my face on it. Guys, this is sponsored by the Joe Rogan Podcast experience. That's a Yeti Tumblr. Yeti Tumblr? Yes, it's legit. It's very legit. Everything's Yeti involved with you. Every time I'm at the Comedy Store and we're talking, it somehow turns into you fighting

bears. I swear to God. Every conversation, we could be talking about fucking anything, and then it's like three minutes in, once you walk in, I'm like, and we're fighting bears again. Okay. I have a real problem. We gotta get you a bear. No, I don't want to have anything to do with bears.

I'm scared of nature. Really? Yeah, for sure. That's why you kill it? Well, no. I kill it to eat it. Do you run with a taser? bears. I'm scared of nature. Really? Yeah, for sure. That's why you kill it? Well, no. I kill it to eat it. Do you run with a taser? No.

I run with a little taser now. I carry a big knife. I have this knife. Please don't run with a knife. I've seen you play basketball. I have a little taser. Taser's not a bad idea, but I don't know if that'll work on an animal. I carry nunchucks.

I carry paperweights that fit on your knuckles. You carry that little taser around with you? This whole thing with me, yeah. I put it in my fanny pack. Have you ever tased yourself to see what it feels like? No, I haven't. I want to do it. Should we?

Nope. We have got to get more views than David Blaine. What if Annie does? What if it just turns out that that's her Achilles heel? Just falls over. I'm like, she had so much promise. I've been having a good week, so this is a good week to die. For someone that used to drink Jaeger, this is going to be fucking nothing.

So that's your thing? So when a mountain lion comes after you, you just fucking knuckle punch him with that thing? She has to protect her dogs from you. Wow. She has to heat up. They look like elk. They're big. And then I have that little hammer in my car.

Wait a minute. It has to heat up? Does it have to heat up? I know. I'm dead. Are you serious? Hey, hold on, bear. Can you just hold on?

I need to heat up my taser. Just stay there. Am I talking about Bear or Girl or whatever that guy's name is? We're not talking about large, overweight gay men. Oh, God! No, you didn't. Did you just touch that? Oh, my God.

That's not real. I thought that it wasn't working. It wasn't that bad. It's really not that bad. Well, then that's not going to keep a mountain lion off you. Jesus Christ. The bear is going to also agree that it's not that bad. But I touched one little one, and it's a lot of them.

Most likely, even if you have a knife, if a mountain lion gets you, you're fucked. They're just too strong. Yeah, and they'll go straight for your face. You want a fighting chance. You want to just be able to sink something into their neck. I watch The Covenant every day. I go, is that what it was called? The Revenant.

The Revenant. I was like, what? I got to go tase me quick. I need to come back from this. You know, it's kind of based on a real story. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's a little fucked up. I mean, they switched a lot of shit around and changed some things, but it's kind of

based on a real story. That scene was so brutal. They were all brutal. They were all brutal. I mean, that was the only movie I had to take breaks from while I was watching it. When his kid was dying and he couldn't get up and save his kid, that just destroyed me. You are so nice. It's so funny how nice you are.

When Joey fell, I always tell this story. Joey fell on her knee at the comedy store one night. What happened? And Whitney was with him. He ended up being all right, but he just tripped or whatever.

We're not going to sue you, comedy store. I mean. But he was like sitting on a rolling chair and Whitney was like, and I rushed over and I went,

Whitney, are you okay? I was destroyed. No, Joey walked into the kitchen. You know when, right, when you walk into the kitchen? Oh, it's greasy. It's just slippy. It's always greasy. Something from the air fryer or something. I don't know what it is.

It's so oily right there. How many fucking orders of fries come flying through that? I mean, that's all anybody buys is fries and chicken wings. It's all that oil. It's like a thick smegma on the ground. You can feel it. You always catch me eating the worst food. I'm always like shoving my face and then Rogan walks in and I'm like,

I'm eating a cookie. He's like deep throating those like pretzels. The nuts, just everything I'm eating. Nuts are good. Joey's in front of me and we're going through the side, right? Joey's in front of me. I just see him go down and my brain just went, Joey had a heart attack. Joey had a fucking heart attack.

He goes down, his leg went behind him. It was some crazy shit where he did like a split and we couldn't figure out what even happened and he tore, didn't he? He tore something in his knee or his ankle. Something like that, not his ACL, but something, it was bad and he couldn't walk, he couldn't get up. And if you were having a stroke or a heart attack, you don't know you're having it.

So he kept saying, like, I fell on my knee. I fell on my knee. And I was just so worried that he had a stroke. Remember Jay Leno was telling us that story about Rodney? That was crazy. Oh, yeah. So he's hosting The Tonight Show. Rodney does a set.

And he's like, something's off. He's like, call the paramedics. I think Rodney's having a stroke. His timing was off. And he was joking around, kind of. But he also knew that something really was wrong. So they called the paramedics. They checked Ronnie.

He did have a fucking stroke. So he had a stroke while he was out there doing standup, which is crazy. It's insane. Didn't someone die on stage doing standup? Two people. Yeah, two people have. There was a British guy, I don't know his name, who had a heart attack on stage. And then there was years ago, Jim Norton had posted a clip of it.

There's a clip of it. It was a live kind of variety show. And there was this guy. I can't remember his name. I wish I remembered it. But he was doing a bit in front of a curtain and live television. And he passes out and falls out. And they're all laughing, thinking it's part of the bit.

And then you see them drag him out. But it's kind of a good way to go. This guy? Oh, Jesus. Where was this? That right there? Oh, Jesus. Where was this? That right there? Oh, my God. Oh.

Oh, that's how he really died? Was it a heart attack? Yeah, I think he died of a heart attack. Isn't that fucked up? Don't grab your heart while we do this. You grabbed your heart. That's my titty. My heart's right here.

Dude, I always think I was telling Whitney about this. When you were flexing your pecs or something in the kitchen of the comedy store and I was like I want to try like it'll put your tits away It is so funny because like so many people Want to Like go female comics male comics like I feel like we're so wouldn't we're together We're so weirdly genderless like we're like brother and sister. Yeah, we're talking about that the other night It's a real meritocracy if you're funny, you're one weirdly genderless. Like, we're like brother and sister. We were talking about that the other night.

It's a real meritocracy. If you're funny, you're one of the clan. And that's really all it is. And I get that it's upsetting for people on the outside. Yes, you're not in the club. That sucks. A friend of mine who is a philosopher, a very smart guy, tried to explain it to me. And he's just completely independent of this. He's like, you guys have to understand that you're little.

And he's not a comic at all. He's like, this little group of people is like a walled garden. So there's a lot of people on the outside of it that see you guys having so much fun and doing all these things together and having each other on each other's podcasts. And there's just an automatic feeling in human nature to feel like you're alienated from that group. So that group somehow or another disrespects you. That group is negative or bad or mean or this or that.

And then it compounds. And then it becomes, find whatever the group is negative or bad or mean or this or that, and then it compounds. And then it becomes, find whatever the group is, whatever your identity politics is. If it's a right-wing thing or a girl thing or a gay thing or a boy thing. Sports, a team thing. They find a thing that makes you different from them and you negative and them positive

and you're a suppressor or you're a bad person. Well, it's the outward locus of control, right? So it's like I'm saying that my life is where I don't want to be because you made me feel this way or you did this. It's not like – because if you think about it, anyone complaining about their place in comedy, it's like that's time to write jokes. The time that you're focusing on why you don't have a thing has none of –

you have no clue what anyone's story is. You don't know if it was easy or hard for them. But it is a hard job. It's not a comfortable job. But not only that, some of the people complaining have had specials. So you've had a chance. You got on Comedy Central, you got on Netflix,

you got somewhere and people didn't respond. That's not because the comedy store is filled with assholes. That's not what that is. It's a fucking hard thing. Comedy's a hard thing. It's hard and honestly, the harder the hallways are, the easier it is on stage. So I was always so grateful when people.

It's fun too. It's fun. You go on stage laughing at some shit someone just made fun of you about. You try to one up each other. That's why Patel is the most fun person to hang out with because he's so like. It never ends.

He just shows up with a fucking plastic bag of his shit. His purse. His 7-Eleven purse. He's got a small garbage bag he brings with him. There's a wire hanging out. One of the greatest comics who ever lived. That's what I love about comics. It's like no matter how great, if you're a real fucking comedy star comic, you're still

just like who you are forever. Forever. If you stay with your tribe. Yeah. We're lucky as fuck, you know? We really are. We're really, really lucky and it's weird now.

You know, like that night when we were all hanging out doing the Comedy Store documentary was so much fun but it also was bittersweet because I left, when I was driving home I was real emotional.

Joe, I was, do you remember I kept gripping you and going, don't go? I was like, no! You were in a K-hole. I had a conversation over here. I wasn't a K-hole. I was overdosed in a fucking K-hole. I'd be in a conversation over here. I wasn't a K-hole.

I was overdosed in a fucking K-hole. Whitney's like, it's mental. I'm like, I'm a cloud, bitch. My body is a cloud. That's not mental. There's gonna be an expose on Whitney Cummings drugging female comics. I'm actually the pervious person in comedy. Listen, that was the only time in this whole COVID period that I thought maybe I shouldn't go.

It was the only time. I was hanging out with you thought maybe I shouldn't go. It was the only time. I was hanging out with you guys. It was fun. But I'm still going. Damn it. I was thinking, like, this is so rare. Like, how many grown adults? Like, once you get to a certain age, like, you're in your 30s, you're with your friends.

Like, you don't have that kind of a life where you can go and be with your peers. It's the fun house. And the store is so unusual because, like, people that go on the road, okay? If you go on the road all the time the store is so unusual because like people that go on the road, okay? If you go on the road all the time, it's just you and the people you go on the road with. You don't get to converge at a home base. And that's what the store is. That's what's so different. Because like you'll be one place, you'll be someplace, and I'll be not.

And then we see each other on Tuesday. Like, ah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like home base. Like no time had passed. I'm there, guys, by the way. I'm there the whole time.

I'm working in the kitchen serving those chicken wings there's something so crazy about this moment because it's also like I've never felt more loved and accepted

than I had in a comedy store I never felt like myself I never felt accepted I always felt like I was walking on eggshells I didn't know who I was it's so weird

you feel that comfortable we hate you we don't like you Whitney oh my god it's catty daddy Whitney it's so true We don't like you, Whitney. Oh my god, it's catty-daddy. Whitney! It's so true. I didn't think you liked me for the longest time. Oh, we should finish that funny story. Oh yeah, we should finish that story.

So I do the roast battle. Whitney's one of the judges. And Whitney was like already pissed about something. Well, because everyone was attacking my shiny-ass face and saying that I had plastic surgery and all this shit. But do you have a new product coming out? But I do. I am launching a line of face oil. Isn't that so funny? Isn't that the perfect thing?

It's called My Shiny Face. My shiny ass fucking face. It's KY Jelly. Yeah, you can also fuck, yeah. You can fuck my nose hole. Okay, so Whitney was like, she was like giving her assessment of my set or whatever

and she's like, she goes, I just feel like you need to smile more. And I was like, I was like, smile more. I was like, what is this? The streets? Like, I was like, and I was like in a hyper like fight mode and I was like, smile more. I was just like, whoa, streets of Albuquerque came out. Streets of fucking Santa Fe. No, Philly.

Suburbs of Philly first. But, um, so, and then, but Whitney, you texted me like the next day, you're like, Hey, it's Whitney Cummings. I'm sorry if I offended you or whatever. I was like, I was like at the mall. I was like, Whitney, I was like, can I take a break? I was working at Hot Topic. And, um, I was like a famous person's texting me. Um, no, but you texted me and it was like, so sweet. I was like, please don't cancel me. Please don't talk to a reporter. No, but it was very nice. And then, and then I like, I just texted you back and I was like, yeah, I just, whatever. And I went, when you were judging, I went, Whitney, I was molested.

I don't smile. And you were like, we were all molested. And then I was worried that I was silencing her because she was like, sorry, Whitney, I'm molested. Whitney, the texts from you are so funny. This is what I love about you. One time we were talking in the back at the, we were in the green room and in the main room and you go, we're talking about rape or something

and you go, and you go, you go, you go, I'm sorry. I'm not listening to anything you're saying. It's my, I'm just thinking about whether my face is shiny. I'm like, it is. You know the answer, bitch. And then you text me the next day or you call me and you're like, I'm so sorry. Were you talking about being raped?

And I start talking about my face. Like, you come to a complete circle. You always handle it. You're always working whatever step that is. Whatever fucking step that is, you're always working it. So no problems there. But I accidentally, I was like looking at the thing you had texted me and I said something. I was like, I accidentally sent a voice memo to you talking shit on another female comedian.

Like trashing a female comedian. And it sent the voice, like my finger hit and I was so embarrassed. You just sent it to me. Talking shit on another, but you wouldn't have thought it was about you. I said her name and everything, but it was just like so crazy that I was then voice memoing you being like this fucking bitch. And then- Voice memos are odd because it's like, I don't have voicemail.

Like if you call me voicemail, it just goes to fuck you. It just like goes to the ether. Do you have voice female? But voice memos- It's a call back to the other night. It's a call back to the other night. Tweet it. Anyway.

But those voice memos that people send, they're odd because you have to listen. It's like if you send me a text, I can go 830. Got it. Well, Spade always does the voice memos. I think it's because he doesn't want to put his readers on. Yeah. Well, it's also when you send someone a voice memo and then you see that they kept it, you're like, why the fuck did you keep that?

Oh, you could tell if someone keeps it? It says kept or saved. That was the cutest, you just went, yes! That was cute. I'm sexy. Listen, experiment with it. I think it's kind of Mission Impossible that they disappear. I like that they go away. It's fun.

I think it's more Bon, Trauma Bon. I will say though, when you go, I feel like our text chains, like comedians' text chains, if they ever get out, we're all going to get canceled. There was one time I was like, we should all delete these. There was one where we got so ridiculous. But you also got too famous. I'm like, you guys, we can't text Joe certain shit.

No, I think he's gotten overly famous to the point where we can again. He's coming back. He's uncancellable. He's gone past it. And I was like, yes. Because there are times where I want to send something. I'm like, I don't know. Joe's coming back around. He's uncancellable. He's going past it and now it's like, yes. Because there are times where I want to send something and I'm like, I don't know, Joe's on this chain. I feel like he's just too famous for this. You should see the

shit Segura sends me. Jesus Christ. I played it yesterday for Nikki Glaser. It's this girl fisting herself but in the most preposterous way where you're like, what? Well, is there a way that's not preposterous? No, no, no. This is a different thing. Is fisting real? Oh, I'll show you. You can put your entire... way where you're like what well is there a way that's not for Bob no no this this is this is a different I used fisting real oh I'll show you you can put your

entire you know what it is it's this I realize I don't it's putting all your fingers together it's not like Jamie you've been festered tell us here you go this video. Wait. Hold on. Hold on. Your face. Hold on. Hold on. Oh my God.

It's me. Oh no. This girl just stole your act, Annie. She stole my fisting act. Preposterous is the right word, right? Well, it's got to hurt. Why are you punching yourself? She's like a bruised cervix.

I don't think it is. A bruised ass cervix. Anything that's fucked up like that, Tom Segarra will send it to me. It looks like the opposite of having a baby. I know. You guys are having the most fucked up shit and I'm like, I'm so going to jail for this. But you're not. I think that's legal.

I'm pretty sure that's legal. No, it's not. You don't actually. We have to be very clear. You don't actually get things that could send you to jail. You know, but here's the thing. We're kidding. Florida has some wacky laws with that stuff.

That's where they prosecuted certain like pornographers because they decided that it was, you know, that's where they prosecuted the two live crew. Like it's like Broward County, Florida. Like they go after people. What is it? There was one guy was a really famous case and it really opened up a lot of people's eyes in terms of pornography. There was this guy who is like known to be like ultra disgusting. One guy was a really famous case, and it really opened up a lot of people's eyes in terms of pornography. There was this guy who was known to be ultra disgusting. The stuff that he did was super abusive.

He would open up girls' assholes with a speculum and then piss inside of them. Crazy. It kind of sounds like it would feel good. If I'm being real, it's warm. Which is wrong. Depends on how much beer he had. It's wrong. Max Hardcore. Yeah, so that guy.

So he was found guilty on 20 counts of obscenity by a Tampa, Florida jury. And so they decide what's obscene and what's not obscene. So they can make a distinction between regular pornography and what they decide is obscenity and violates the law. So they put him in fucking jail. Jesus. I'm like, just. So I don't know if there was.

You see, that's the thing. It's like, if you're doing that kind of shit, like, are you making people sign releases? Do they know that you're going to do that kind of shit? Are they going to arrest the girl that's punching her fist into her pussy, too? Which, by the way, I feel like she could get out of jail. She could slide through. She could, like, punch and then slide through.

She would kill it in jail. She's very flexible. She'd slide through. She could punch and then slide through. She would kill it in jail. She's very flexible. She'd be fine. But you have to think, but then the other perspective is, okay, what if this is your 18-year-old daughter who gets off of a Greyhound bus and meets this guy, and she has no idea what she's about to do, and she thinks she's going to do just a sex movie, and this guy's pissing in her eyeballs and punched her in the face. There was all kinds of, I don't know if he punched her but you know what the pee tapes are gonna be

do you think the pee tapes are real I just who cares have you ever had a guy try to pee on you no but I had I had like one guy that I was like it was like the guy that we weren't we were just gonna like do the things that we'd never done and we just end up not liking each other so we didn't bang again but I was like I would let you pee on me do the things things you've never done, what, like kiss on the mouth? Yeah, make eye contact. He said I love you into my face. He's like, tell the truth. Ah!

Oh my god. Program each other's numbers into our phones. Oh my god. I had a guy pee on me once. He was like, really wanted to pee on me, and I was like, fine, and I started dying laughing. Yeah, of course. Were you guys in the bathroom or in the bed?

It was in the shower. Okay. Oh, I've been peeing on in the shower. In the shower, you pee on people. Yeah, of course. That's funny, though. Well, but he was trying to get on my face. It was supposed to be sexual. It was supposed to be sexual.

But then the sheen from your face just slipped it off. He was like, rain and ricochet. It ricocheted back on him. He was blinded by the mirror that is my forehead. You know how when water gets on Vaseline, it just beams up? I damaged his retina from my lube-up face. And as soon as it started, I could not stop laughing.

That's so ridiculous. Ruin the moment? You made the moment. That's the only thing good about that moment, was you laughing at him. There's no ruining that. He's pissing in your face. Just the fact that he wants to do it. The best way out is you making fun of him. And I can't tell if guys are doing it cuz they've seen it in porn or they're actually into it

I don't I it's gotta be like a pheromone thing or something So why did they want to be on us don't they want us to be coming on the face guys really wanted? I think it's like a humiliation thing. They want to degrade you I Think they want you to like it Interesting want you to want them to do like you're so over- top crazy sexual. That's why it exists in porn. The humiliation thing, maybe sometimes. Maybe sometimes, but I think not always. I don't think it's just that.

I think it's like a wow. I don't hate it, but then once it happens, you're like, this is like... Here's my thing. If you're going to come on my face, you better not miss. You better stick your hand in. Do not make me wash my hair again. No, you better not embarrass yourself. I don't want to have to bob and weave to catch it

you better have a good like a dog with a treat aim I'm Marshall all of a sudden it's just weird when it's like not enough and it's disappointing and I have to pretend

like it's more than enough wait people definitely dudes definitely jizz and have their dogs catch it that's now that's that is gross I just thought it

and I know it's gotta be for sure somebody somebody's done that it's gotta's, now that's, I'm just, I just thought it and I know it's gotta be. For sure, somebody. Somebody's done that. It's gotta be a thing. Isn't that funny that like, the amount of load is important? Well, I used to, the same person that told me

you can't recognize yourself on the street. It's David Blaine, by the way. It was a magic trick. No, but I used to hear these women, there was like a show on VH1, these like rock stars wives who would always make their husbands, who were like touring on the road come outside of them when they first came home to make sure they weren't cheating because they thought they'd have- They wanted to see how much cum there was? How much cum they had.

But that's not how it works. Is that science? That's hilarious. I like that. That's not science? That is so hilarious. I always think you should leave, if you want to see how much your husband jerks off, you should always leave the Build-A-Tan lotion, like put it in a lotion bottle and you can see like how dark it is.

Those are rookies. They're oils. Who uses lotion? You don't need, if you really need that, then you really shouldn't be jerking off. Well, you have like stem cells and shit. I'm sure you have some sort of. Yeah, but I mean, there's jerking off when it's a compulsion and you need lubes and you need to stick a vibrator up your ass and there's jerking off because you're actually horny.

Right. I didn't know about this vibrator up the ass thing. Well, you don't go online. I have a taser. I use the taser. You taser my pussy. Right when you're about to go. Just imagine if that, because you know, they do that to mules actually.

What? Yeah. When they, when they want to extract sperm from them, they actually stick a cattle prod up their asshole and they just shoot. Oh my gosh. Yeah. I know that because of fear factor. That's they just shoot. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. I know that because of Fear Factor. That's someone's job.

No, because of Fear Factor, we made people drink Donkey Kong. Did you ever drink the bad stuff? Did you ever taste it? I didn't drink that, but I ate a bunch of things. I ate a cockroach, a Madagascar giant hissing cockroach. I ate a tomato. And it popped in your mouth? Oh, destroyed.

It just was all chewy. Did it taste good at all? No, but it didn't taste bad. And it popped in your mouth? Oh, destroyed. It just was all chewy. Did it taste good at all? No, but it didn't taste bad. Is it alive? It's a mind fuck, yeah. It's a mind fuck. It doesn't taste bad. It's almost like taste less.

The legs. No big deal. The legs are what get me. Yeah, but it's basically a lobster. Like a lobster is a bug. Oh, yeah. It's not much different. It really isn't.

It's all just in your head. It's psychological because we think of cockroaches as just being... I cooked a lobster the other day and I felt so bad. I was like holding it. I was trying to take a picture and I dropped it

and then when I picked it up, it was foaming and like shitting and pissing. I like murdered it before I murdered it. This is how Fear Factor got canceled. They had to drink either...

They had to play horseshoes and either they drunk a giant glass of donkey cum drunk a giant glass of donkey cum or a giant glass of donkey piss. It's interesting, like all the men wanted to drink the donkey piss, the girls wanted to drink the cum. They actually thought it was easier.

That's not a big deal. It goes right down. I know, but I thought it was stunning. Protein. These girls were drinking giant beer steins of cum. I'm gonna puke. The belly button rings are so funny. And I had to talk them into it.

So I'm talking them through this while they're doing it. This is where it got the show canceled. And they're twins, too. It's so funny. But were the ratings bananas? No, they never made it onto air. Because TMZ got a hold of this. And TMZ posted someone from the...

There's two times where I told them don't do it, the people that were running the show. One time was they were bull riding. And they were like, don't worry, it's stunt bulls. And I go, that bull does not know it's a stunt bull. That's a fucking bull, man. I saw the animal that these people got on and one of them was a girl who was,

she was like 95 pounds. And that fucking bull launched her through the air like she didn't exist. Like a pillow. That sucks that I'm mad at her for being 95 pounds. I'm glad she got hurt. The heel of the bull as he's kicking the hoof barely missed her head. Jesus. Barely.

Like this. Like within a foot of her head. Like if it kicked her in the head, who the fuck knows what would have happened. So this is one where I told these people, I'm like, do not fucking do this. No, it's crazy. Is this the girl? Look at that. See that thing?

See? See how close that came to her head? She was really hurt. Did she fuck up her back? That looks bad. Well, she didn't land well. She landed really badly. Whoa, it did hit her.

But the hoof missed her. It's the back of the ham is what slapped into her. Luckily, I don't think that hurt her nearly as bad as the hoof would have hurt her. I cracked my L4 falling off a horse just like that. That was just, that was honestly like rolling the dice. She was tough as fuck. She got up and she was okay. She looks thin.

Yeah, she's a tiny girl. She needs to eat a sandwich. How about you? She's fat now. Tough to just. Doesn't last forever, bitch. How dare you? Just kidding.

She's very pretty. I hope she's very svelte. Dude, is Fear Factor was like the beginning of the internet. It was like, you know what I mean? Like it was such a, it was the first time, like it was the, it was like TV never could come back from it. Like nothing could compete with it after that, except the internet.

That was as far as they could take it. What channel was it? They took it too far. That was NBC. That was as far as they could take it. Donkey Kong. I remember walking into the office going, what are you talking about? And they're going, this is what they're going to do.

They're going to play horseshoes. I go, is there a way that they can get out of drinking it totally? Like if they land, what is it? Horseshoe when you get a shoe? What is it? When you hit the thing? A point? I don't know.

What is it when you hit the thing? On a horseshoe? Any idea? A goal? I'm like, is it possible if they ring around the horseshoe? It's definitely not called ring around the horseshoe. It's 100%. Is it possible that they could drink nothing?

And they said no. Yeah. Then you have to only drink like eight ounces. I'm like, this is crazy. It is. It's like a, it's a bestiality rape situation where you're forcing them to swallow the sexual juices. This was signed off.

It's also a wild amount of cum. A wild amount. Well, isn't it funny that people keep getting canceled for doing blackface and shit, but the network signed off on it? They signed off on it. Why is it the person's fault? It's like the network should be the one. It's on SNL.

It's like, you know how many people have to sign off on that in order to make it happen? Like 200 people said, sure. And if you're around a bunch of crazy fucks, like the comics at the store, and then one person says, I think you can do it. You're like, we can do it? Yeah. We are not the fucking people to be talking to about that. But even then, I was telling them you can do it you're like we can do it yeah we are not the fucking people to be talking to about that but even then I was telling them not to do it I was like don't do

this listen to me when I'm the voice of reason we're fucked yeah like this show's fucked you can't have me telling you you're going too far and they're like man I think you're wrong I think this is fine I go it's calm did they go to you this is all mental it's cum. Did they go to you, this is all mental, it's all mental? No, they didn't. They were laughing. Did any of them puke? Oh, yeah. Afterwards, I saw so many people puke. Like a stunning amount of people puke. Is it true that there's contagious puking, where if you see one person puke, you automatically puke? Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, I used to get it. Really? Fear Factor cured me of it. Whoa. Yeah, when I was in high school, if a kid puked in the hallway, I just... Whoa! I would start puking. What is that?

It's because there's something wrong, like maybe even bad food, and you're with that person, so maybe you ate that bad food too. And your body's like, oh, let's not take any risks and let's just throw this shit up. Survival instinct if I see someone. It was actually explained to me by someone who knows what it is. That's really interesting. And they said that's exactly what it is. Like your body's trying to purge it because it's like oh this person's throwing up there could be a bad bug or you know i could have eaten some bad food and you just block you just want to throw up too

have you ever been thrown up on yeah yeah people have hit me like hit my feet and shit pure factor i saw who knows how many people throw up i puked on the whole cast of the real world road rules challenge in santa fe once i got so hammered. Do you remember they used to do that? They would have all the old alumni come. Were you on that show? No, I was living in, I was a go-go dancer in Santa Fe. And I, that's not stripping by the way. But I loved the show, so I couldn't believe

all the people coming into town. I was like, it's such a small town, so I was like, holy shit, we had a lot of celebrities like Sam Shepard and all these people, but I was like, fuck that, I wanna hang out with the road rules gang. So I was so excited, but I got the flu. So instead of not going out, I just chugged DayQuil and then I was drinking like white Russians

because I was like 20, you know? So I puked like this milky orange shit all over them and it just happened to be a day that they weren't filming. But I saw- Oh, you puked on them? I puked all over them i'm like why was this not being filmed it could be my first tv credit oh shit and then i was thinking about it was funny because later in that week i was at um a bar and all the the people were there

but the producers and stuff and the producers were like so what's your story and i realized they were like this crazy bitch has got to be on the real world like they probably were like this she's good television they're like we'll get this we're has got to be on the real world. She's good television. Yeah, they're like, we'll get this. She's our new puck. Oh my god, puck. Is he dead? I feel like all the people died. One guy had AIDS in the beginning.

They become famous and then you're just cast out into the world with no talent. They were the first reality stars too. I remember one time a friend of mine was at a restaurant in Charleston, South Carolina, and one of the famous girls from the real world was a waitress at one of the restaurants and took a picture, sent it to me, and I was like, of course they didn't pay them anything. But they were famous and broke.

Well, I remember there was a place that John and Kate Plus Eight, the John guy, he was working at a regular job. John Gosling. Yeah, and people wouldn't leave him alone. I'm sure now he's okay, but I remember I was in Hawaii once with my family, and we went to this ice cream place, and they were like, John and Kate were just here. Serving, scooping ice cream.

This was back when it was a show, like when it was on television, and it's a weird kind of fame because they were really famous, and now they're not. It just stopped. You a little bit have it too, I think, because they were really famous. And now they're not. It just stopped. When people, you a little bit have it too, I think, because we're ourselves on stage, we're not, none of us are really that much of characters, I would say, but with the Impractical Jokers,

when I hang out with Sal from Impractical, people come up and they think they know him because of his personality. They'll be like, Sal, like deck him. I'm like, Jesus Christ, we're just at the movies, like chill. Oh no. I mean, that's how Houdini died, right, like deck him. I'm like, Jesus Christ, we're just at the movies. Like, chill. Oh, no. I mean, that's how Houdini died, right? Yeah.

But yeah, I get that a lot, too. When I was doing the roast, for sure, people would come up to me and be like, hey, cunt. And I'd be like, Jesus. Whoa. It's far. It's a lot. It's like 2.30 at the airport. Well, I panicked when I met famous people and put my foot in my mouth and seemed like a moron.

Wait, did I tell you what I did? After I did your show, we talked about Survivor and I ran into Jeff Probst. Survivor is my favorite show. And every time I'm on your show, I will tell the millions of people to keep watching Survivor. It's number one. You should do a show called Sexual Assault Survivor. Sexual Assault Survivor. Jesus. Bond. Trauma bonding. Also, I was molested.

But so, no, but I ran into him at Coffee Bean and he's my guy. He's the person I freak out about. And I know that's like nerdy, but I love the show so much. You know what's hilarious? That's where I met him. He likes- I met him at Coffee Bean.

Oh, really? Yeah. I name dropped you so fucking fast because I was being such a psycho that I needed him to know that I had some sort of stake in Hollywood. I was like, I'm a comic star. My name's on the wall. I just talked about you on Joe Rogan's podcast. And he goes, I love Joe.

He's like, come on the show. And I was like, I'm a psycho. I can't. I was like, I can. He's like, I'm a comic star. My name's on the wall. I just talked about you on Joe Rogan's podcast. And he goes, I love Joe. He's like, come on the show. And I was like, I'm a psycho. I can't. I was like, I can't. He's like, everyone's a psycho. And I was like, no. You'd be amazing on that. What if you made a million dollars on Survivor?

I can't show my feet. Oh, that's right. They'd have to pixelate. What's wrong with your feet? No, no, no. I just have a bit where I don't show my feet. And I just can't end it for the rest of my life. You've never seen her Instagram?

Yeah. All of the pictures of her feet on Instagram are pixelated. Oh, my God, Whitney muted me. Listen, on Instagram, even the picture that she took when she was on the show the first time, her feet pixelated. She's got her foot up in the air, it's pixelated. And now it's just like a bit. It's just like a bit now forever.

My feet are so ugly, but for some reason I think it's like my first Google search is Whitney Cummings' feet. Yeah, they want the feet. Well, that's every girl that's ever lived. It's not face. It's not face, it's not body. It's not comedy. The freaks online, the really dark,

in the basement freaks are the ones that are into feet. And what's the deal with foot fetish? Someone was saying that it was something about because babies, they crawl around

and their moms are barefoot. What I know of it, which I don't, who knows, but it's like a guy was doing a phantom limb study and he said that when he was checking the brain that the neuropathways that go from your brain to your feet are next to the ones that go to your genitals.

So he thinks that that got mixed in some people. Oh, interesting. I thought it was something about, as a kid you see your mom's feet so much when you're so tiny and you sexualize it. You guys really are just trying to bang your moms. It's really weird. It's Freud. It's so weird. It's really kind of exhausting.

I've been blowing my dad for years. That was another interesting thing about the book, talking about Freud and the cocaine thing with Freud. People back then, when Freud was doing coke, they didn't think that addiction was for intellectuals. They thought brilliant people couldn't get addicted. That's so funny. Isn't it hilarious?

Literally, he thought he could take coke with abandon and he'd be fine because that's a mental weakness. And he would never have a mental weakness. You know what I think about a lot though? All the people like Bukowski, all the people that are like brilliant and you like, you look back, they were so fucked up. And I always struggle with that where I'm like. Picasso, all those guys were awful. I watched the masterclass of David Lynch and he was like, I go outside.

I can't go to David Lynch. But he goes, he's like, I go outside when I write. My best writing is done when I do. I have a legal not he was like I go outside I can't go to David Lynch but he goes he's like I go outside when I write my best writing is done when I do I have a legal notepad I go outside I drink wine and I smoke cigarettes and I was like so close to smoking cigarettes again I got nicotine toothpicks because I was like maybe I'll be brilliant like David Lynch if I smoke cigarettes but it's like do we need that I don't know I do I do I do think there's a certain like ability to risk and be self-destructive. I'll smoke cigarettes sometimes and I'm like, fuck it. You do need a fuck it mentality to take risks on stage and to stay out until two in the

morning and to jeopardize yourself and your relationships. There's value in booze. There's value in pot. There's value in mushrooms. There's value in those things, but it's not necessarily the whole thing. I think people can write brilliant shit and be stone cold sober. It's a focused thing. You can talk your mind into psychedelic states.

Absolutely. That's what holotropic breathing and meditation. You know that I do breath work all the time. I've been treating this quarantine like, because these are my Ipre love years. No, it's my Ipre love years. I should be in India fucking a Sherpa. I should not be trapped in my house. So I do breath work every day.

I think Sherpas are in the Himalayas. Oh my God, you always do this to me. Sorry. We get it. You read the articles. I read the headlines. I just want to save you from being canceled. Nepal is not India.

Annie gets her news from Infowars. I just read your Instagram and then I'm like, I'm smart. I know Jeff Probst and Joe Rogan. Jeff Probst wanted me on the show, but I'm not ready for it. Yes. Wait, let's do it. You want to do it together? No, I'm saying to you, I'm doing you.

I was doing you. Jeff Probst wanted me on the show. You should do it. Don't they have like couple survivor or like friend survivor? We could do it together. You would do it together? We would be voted off. We are so annoying. Do you know how fast they would vote us off? now it's the good thing i get more annoying but we i do think comedians we do have a like grit like i do think we could win oh yeah you know what i mean

you two fucking psychos can win for sure we do have like a certain level of grit and also exoskeleton it's about manipulation manipulation. That is where I shine. It's about being a pathological liar. You are not a liar. I don't believe you. You guys are both... Listen, anybody who's a comic has got some damage when you're young, and then you see vulnerabilities in people, you see things to complain about. You would find

their weaknesses. You two are both predators. You would see where they're fucked up, and you're like, huh, look at this. Well, that's what you had to do in a fucked up home. You had to learn how to beguile and manipulate and charm people and you know. I like how our trauma landed on us differently and you know what beguile means? I'm like, what's beguile? Hey, no bullshit.

No bullshit. Seriously. You guys should 100% have a show together. You guys would like, you know, there's like Guys Be Fucked and Call Her Daddy. There's all these couple girls. You guys would dominate that shit. The two of you would fucking dominate that shit. The two of you together would have the number one podcast on planet Earth.

A hundred percent. Should we try to eclipse Joe Rogan? You could do it. I'm not bullshitting you. A hundred percent could do it. You would get all the girls. All of them. All of them.

I have like three girl followers. I have lots of girls You would get all the girls. All of them. All of them. I have like three girl followers. I have three girl followers. I have lots of girls. I get lots of girls. You're both like badass chicks, but you're not, even though you have been victims, you're not victims. You talk honest. You're comics.

You're both pretty. And gorgeous. Pretty. You're so pretty. Nice feet. Your tits are really incredible. But you're both legit comics. Like you two together, like that would be

a fucking monster combination and I'll help you. I'm busy. I'll help you. I'll promote it. I'll do whatever the fuck you want. I'll put you guys on the show. I think you should do it.

We also, by the way, because I just started my podcast. You have your podcast. Yeah, my podcast. Like I now have time for another one. Right. That's what I'm talking about.

Now that I've done the podcast enough, I sort of am like, I don't have a name. We can do it from this studio. Yes, can we have your studio when you move to Texas? You can do it when I'm not here. That I've done the podcast enough I sort of am like I don't have a name We can do it from this studio Yes Can we do it from here When you move to Texas You can do it when I'm not here That was our plan

We had some plans Because here's the thing That I love We'd have to figure out How to get somebody to watch you Like Hawks Yeah I think you have actual Hawks in here

You have to keep the Navy SEAL guys On staff Don't bring them in here Part of the reason I love Annie so much And our relationship so much Is that I feel like I don't see people disagree anymore No one will tolerate Anyone that disagrees with them in any way

Right people just want to align with people it's like a fucking echo chamber like circle jerk of like we agree We agree we're like Annie and I can disagree and fuck with each other fine And we still respect each other and love each other and have different points of view and I just which why would we know? I Ari and I disagree about 80% of the things on earth He's like shut shut up, you fucking idiot. And then we go back and forth. You're like, I don't want to be singer balls right now. Please put them away.

You're a weird, saggy sap. That's how it is with most friends. You're supposed to be like that. If you're married to your ideas to the point where they're your identity, and you can't be challenged. Well, not only that. Your ideas, an idea is not, first not only that like your ideas an idea is not first of all it's just an idea it's not even yours it's just an idea yeah

and if someone doesn't agree with it why is it personal but it is it is for most of us most of the time it's taken me forever to try to beat that down I haven't I don't have it totally beaten down but I have it to the point where I recognize oh I'm attached to this let's just look at it for what it is. It's not me. I'm not this idea. But so many people, and this is what we're seeing with politics in the biggest way possible. It's insane.

This is not, the Democratic Party is you. Like, you have to win. You know what I mean? It's not just these ideas. It's not just an election. It's you. Well, people fighting over the masks, too. They politicized it.

They've made it like this part of their identity. They're like watching everyone. All those people with their masks on their avatar. Fuck you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that how you look best? But also, I get annoyed when I, because I'll do live streams and stuff from my car, not when I'm driving, but I'll have my mask on and everyone will be like, why are you wearing

it? And I'm like, I don't, the mask means so little to me. It means so much to other people. It means so little. I don't notice that it's on. Right. I didn't remember that it's on. Well, that's because your nose is really big. I was going to say. I was going to me. It means so much to other people. It means so little. I don't notice that it's on. Right. I didn't remember that it's on.

Well, that's because your nose is really big and you have space. I was going to say, I was going to say. See, my nose is so good that I can't smell it. My nose is small.

It's more flattened so it touches my face more. Yeah, because you got beat up. I'm sorry. I'm so cool and pretty. Nobody wants to punch me in the face. I want to do a joke

that I couldn't do. I was going to maybe do it on a talk show, but about, remember when the prison inmates were being released? Yeah, for COVID. For COVID. Yeah. And I wanted to do. I was going to maybe do it on a talk show, but about, remember when the prison inmates were being released? Yeah, for COVID. For COVID.

Yeah. And I wanted to do something about, imagine the warden giving that speech of telling the prison inmates that they were about to be released and being like, hey guys, a couple things changed.

You now have to wear masks at all times. Cover your faces at all times. And the police have been defunded. Go. See you in a couple weeks. How about the one guy who got released and then murdered the woman who accused him of rape? and the police have been defunded. Go. See you in a couple weeks. I know it's such a good deal. the one guy who got released and then murdered the woman

who accused him of rape? Oh. Yeah, immediately as soon as he got released. I don't even know if it's because he got a mask. It's so scary. That's what he was going to do

if he got out. I don't know if he raped her. I don't know what really happened, but he definitely murdered her. Allegedly. He was claiming that it was a false accusation and he got out of jail and murdered her. Allegedly. He was claiming that it was a false accusation and he got out of jail and murdered her.

Terrifying. They're releasing violent criminals. It's not just like people in jail for coke. And they get to wear masks all day. I mean, you look at these ring cameras, these security cameras, and I'm like, well, everyone's in a mask. It's insane.

But I do, I was thinking like with the looting, like we couldn't have like they know enough of it don't you recognize people when you see their eyes i see people for sure and i go it's weird how much i can recognize someone just from this part of their face so i was always like it would be so embarrassing to get caught like i'm like walking with an apple watch and they're like is that yeah that's how butler jake Jake Paul got caught. Jake Paul got caught on a camera. His own camera. Was it his camera?

He vlogged it. No. Did he really? It was his brother, I think. He's wild, too. That dude is so wild. Did you see the mayor shut down that TikTok house that wouldn't stop partying? Did they definitely shut it down? They said they authorized it, but did they pull the electricity?

Pulled the electricity, yeah. That is a weird thing to do. Look, I'm not saying that they shouldn't tell these people they shouldn't have parties and spread it all over the place because they definitely are spreading it. Like Dr. Malkin, one of the guys that treated us, treated more than 100 people that went to that party. And I think somewhere in the neighborhood of almost half of them had COVID.

Jesus Christ. These people are going to these giant parties and there's sick people at the party and you're drinking and you're 20 and you don't know what the fuck you're doing. Sharon. Yeah, you're 24 years old. And then you're going back to your families and stuff. Exactly.

It's just so bad. And grandpa dies. And grandma dies. My dad's 79. I want to see my dad so badly. He's in Philly. He doesn't want to see you, though. No, but honestly, he really is.

Whitney, it's so sad. He's like, nope. And I was like, no, but what if I camped? I was like, I'll drive out. I'll camp. I'll get tested before or whatever and he was like he's like no he's like because he's just so he just doesn't want it he doesn't want it and i'm so happy he's like that but i'm like but dad can i hang out our podcast wouldn't be calling your daddy we called our daddies they didn't pick up daddies aren't answering daddy didn't do a good job daddy will return our calls imagine if you had a podcast

called daddy didn't do a good job i love my dad so much but it is he's like he's like well bring me up today my dad goes bring me up today i go are you sure you want me to go well maybe not i mean i honestly i'm now at a point where i'm so grateful at all the mistakes my parents made because it's made me like i am equipped to in so many ways that so many of my friends that had good childhoods aren't. And I can just, like, sort shit out. Like, adversity was so good for me. How boring would a comfortable life be? The most fucked up people I know have married parents.

They have all these fucked up expectations. My parents are married. Shit was bad when I was a kid. They're now, I was looking at it like this. Like, now, even though everything was fucked up and I possibly could have been sold into sex, at some point. Yeah, I was very close. I was tearing up.

I was tearing up. I was tearing up. I was tearing up. I was tearing up. The story about you hiding under the car, like holy shit. That's like one of the good ones, that's a baby one.

Now you're just bragging. You're like, people would pay to fuck me. I went to an Epstein high school. My high school, literally they all fucked us, like all the teachers. It just came out, another teacher got caught with kiddie porn. It was a school with,

my graduating class was 17 kids. Like were seven teachers like come on my drama teacher gave one of the students aids i found that out later wow you this is bond trauma bond i know maybe that's what you guys call it trauma bond trauma bond dude that's actually a great trauma bond trauma let me finish so i don't finish. But with my parents, I always think they're good now. Who cares about the past? They're so loving and sweet and awesome that it's like, I don't care. People make mistakes. Exactly.

They did the best they can with the tools they had. My mom had me when she was 21. She didn't know what the fuck she was doing. She was drunk. She was drunk. She could have done a good job. They gave her shots. There's no way you're going to do a good job as a parent

when you're 21. I mean, it's just so hard. What's your dad's itch? I don't know my dad. Yeah. He didn't come out of the woodworks when it was like, oh shit. I haven't spoken to him since I was seven years old. Does he know you're you? Yeah, I have the same name as him. He's Joe Rogan. You're a junior?

No. I have a middle name. He hasn't reached out to try to get a cut of all this? No. He's not smart. You got your smarts from your mom, I guess. Do you think he's alive? Oh, yeah, he's alive. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah, my mom's smart. My mom's family is very smart. They're very, very intense people. Yeah. Yeah. I can tell. What's your lineage?

Mostly Italian. Oh, nice. A little bit of Irish. Yeah. Yeah. I can tell. What's your lineage? Mostly Italian. Oh, nice. A little bit of Irish. Oh, oh. Yeah, my biological dad's father was from Ireland. Oh, interesting. Everybody's from Europe. Everybody was, all my parents on both sides, all the family was all first generation immigrants.

Do you like Ireland? I've never been. Oh, you've got to go. I've never been. No, that's not true. I've been to Dublin for UFC and I was in Belfast. I was in Northern Ireland as well for UFC. Ireland's so cool. I think I've been been. Oh, you've got to go. No, that's not true. I've been to Dublin for UFC, and I was in Belfast. I was in Northern Ireland as well for UFC. Ireland's so cool.

I think I've been there three times. Do you feel like, it seems like you feel more of a calling to Italy. Well, that's the family I knew. Right. You know, I'm certainly some sort of a European mutt with Italian, and there's some African. I got some African in there, and a small amount of Asian. We heard you had a little African Asian we heard you had a little African I don't know what that means

but I am shocked we haven't gotten cancelled yet but it just happened but that's it's real like mostly Italian and Irish but if you look at some people

like wasn't Conan O'Brien they found he was like 100% Irish like they've never seen anything like this like you're the most Irish person I could have told them.

Then you go, wow, that really makes sense. It's interesting when you find out where your ancestors came from. Love it. I have 1% Asian. I'm like, where is that? Where did that come from? The eyes are very. That's just getting old.

It's being high. Jengis Khan or something. Yeah, Jengis Khan. That guy fucked so many people. He had some preposterous amount of DNA in Asia. Isn't it like 20% of people are descendants of his or something? Something wacky like that. Like insanity.

Have you ever seen or read, listened rather, to Dan Carlin's Hardcore History? Yes. It's an amazing podcast. Love him. And he had a whole series called The Wrath of the Khan on Genghis Khan. And it fucking blew me away. The guy killed 10% of the population of the planet Earth while he was alive.

He's killing more people than COVID. It translates to 0.5% of the male population of the world or roughly 16 million descendants living today. And how many of those descendants have fucked each other? Nearly 8% of the men living in the region of the former Mongol emperor carry the Y chromosomes that are nearly identical to him. That means 8% of the fucking people today

that live in that region have his genes. That's how many people that guy fought. That is bananas. They should have done that on Fear Factor. You have to swallow his cum. It's his really old cum. It's like kimchi they buried in the ground in a clay jar. I wonder because my ancestry is Scotch-Irish, came through West Virginia coal miners, and there were a lot of Italian coal miners actually.

Yeah, well, people did what they had to do back then. Maybe you guys are cousins. That's the thing about our world today. The jobs that suck today, they still suck. There still are people that coal mine. But it's not what most people are doing when they come over. It's the whole scratch and claw that the immigrants had, that my grandparents had. Those people that came here straight off the boat.

That's why New Jersey and New York is so hostile. The echoes of those people are still there. I thought it was because Joey was coming back. They're like, oh no, we're gonna get kidnapped. That like ancestral trauma. Yeah, and that's always had this bit about California that everybody got as far as they could and went on fuck, I don't want to live in Hawaii.

They just stayed right here. It's like they're trying to get away from everything that was on the East Coast. There's something so specific about the personality type here. There's something just specific about the personality type here. There's something just bitch in the DNA of this area. People want attention. They want attention really, really badly, and if they don't get it, they think someone's

doing them wrong. It's a very sensitive culture. And I mean, I guess it's a lot of people that come out here to pretend for a living. Very emotional people. Well, a lot of that. And you're coming out here, even if it's not to pretend, you're coming out here to get famous. Well, I just feel like if you do get famous, like a certain type of famous, you've now

come into this club where they're like, all right, you're not going to, you're no longer going to be exactly who you are. And especially with actors, I feel like your job is to play someone else. They go, you're not going to have any personal opinions. You're going to keep our secrets. We're going to like, get these kids adrenaline up. We're going to keep our secrets. We're going to like, you're a puppet. Get these kids adrenaline up. We're going to take their blood and we're going to whatever they do.

But you know what? It does feel like you are agreeing to be a part of it. They go, all right, we're gonna let you in. But you have to not embarrass us. Like you have to keep it. Yeah, that's really interesting. And it's interesting because I'm seeing so many actors now that are like becoming activists. And I'm like, is that just because you played a doctor on TV?

You think you can now be a doctor? Well, no, it's what they're doing. They're not getting any attention. The attention's dried up. There's no sets. You can't go to the set. So there's no movies. There's no TV shows.

So what do they do? They panic and they make these black and white videos about how they're going to take responsibility and they're not going to allow racism anymore. And they're doing it so actor-y. They're doing it in character. It's so disgusting. It's so fake.

I'm going to act like I care about this. I'm going doing it in character. It's so disgusting. It's so fake. I'm going to act like I care about this. I'm going to act like I... It's so prepared. It's so like... It's so gross. I guess that's what they do. I know. I'm seeing all these celebrities pose with Kamala Harris.

I'm like, you know that's going to do the opposite of what you think. It's going to make America hate her. It's going to make America realize that the con is on. You're a part of it. Well, I just remember with Hillary, everyone's like, vote for Hillary or you're an idiot. Exactly. You're Trump won. You're making me want to vote for Trump.

You know what Joey told me about you that I forgot to ask you last time I was here? What? Did you have piranhas at some point? Yes. What was that? I'm a problem. That's how alpha you are?

I had a bunch of piranhas. Yeah, I used to. Well, I'll tell you one better. At one point in time, I had an outdoor courtyard at my house, and I was seriously considering glassing it in and getting some crocodile monitors and feeding them rabbits. I had this whole plan, and I talked to an architect. And they said, just move to Florida.

I was going to glass in this terrarium in the middle of my house, and I was going to put tropical plants in there and like have sprinklers so it sprays water and keeps them in a good healthy environment and I was going to let wild kingdom take place in my backyard but they told me it was a real problem with the rotting of the

carcasses like if you feed rabbits to these they shit and then you got to clean it up and you can't really go in there so you'd have to hire someone to come in and like rustle the fucking monitors because they're big. Have you ever seen a crocodile monitor? It's a terrifying looking creature. Wow.

I had this idea. I thought it was like a monitor to watch the crocodile. So did I. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not with the- It's a very large, scary lizard. And it's because I had the piranhas and I would buy the goldfish- Please stop talking about Tim Dillon. That's not nice. So you had like a piranha guy who was like i had some crocodiles for you

but that's not a real good picture of them that's it that's it right there that one the yellow ones in the middle dinosaurs yeah yeah and they get fucking big they get big like six feet long and they can kill you i mean it's not gonna be a fun wrestling they'll take a bite out of your they're gonna clamp down on you. I went to Runyon one day and there was this guy with like a, it was a smaller one. It was like this big and it was yellow. I don't know what it was.

Maybe one of the little dragon ones. Look at that lady that's holding that one on the top. I was playing with it like that. And then someone was like, I saw later at the comedy store, was like, you know that those could bite your face off. They do bite people sometimes. They could like take your nose off. You can bite people sometimes. They could take your nose off. You can't predict what a large lizard is going to decide.

Look at that eye. It looks so human. It's fucking cool, though. That looks like a T-Rex eye. Look at that. It looks like a dinosaur. It's a goddamn raptor. He's gripping you like Mike Binder did during that.

Annie! I don't know when I became the person that you touch when you want to say something offensive. It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. It's like I'm safe. Don't suck me into this. You fucked up and moved seats. What's that? You fucked up and moved seats and then you were the closest one.

I don't know. Well, I thought Rogan should be in the middle. You guys should have a TikTok house together. Have Garcetti come and shut your house down. We just do it without electricity. We're like, fuck this. We're going to live without electricity. But when you guys were like, Whitney, you could do that.

You could have a TikTok house. Dude, I would fucking do that. And have her. I've kind of been doing this in the quarantine. You can have her rent to play. I've kind of been doing that in the quarantine. I've sort of been like, Tim Dillon's been staying with me. Esther, I make Annie come over.

I just like, I want to start like a coven of comics. Yes. Well, I mean, like we're saying, like that's what we miss the most is hanging out. We want it to be a harem. I built it. We're all trying to finger you with me. Thank you.

I can't speak for Esther, but I can. Just don't pee on me and we're good. I, I do. I started a podcast in my house. I have a podcast studio. We could do it out of my podcast studio in my house.

I have a podcast studio too. It's a kitchen. It is my goal to make Annie rich as fuck and just watch you go completely insane. I love it. I think she'll handle it. You think she'll be okay being rich? Yep. Yeah, I think so too.

I feel like you're going to give it all to your ex-boyfriends anyway. You're going to stay poor. No, I've actually stopped doing that. I actually stopped paying for my... I've gone broke. Rogan, this was when you used to give me $100 bills. We were in the parking lot and I go, I'm standing next to Rogan, right? And I'm like, we're friends. We do the same thing.

Obviously, he's been doing it longer than me and everything, but we do the same thing. Like, we're parked in the same parking lot. I go, Rogan, can you teach me how to be rich? Because I live in that car and that's like one of your 60 cars or something. And you started laughing in my face. You went, you pulled out a lot of money. You go, this means nothing to me. You just handed me $300 bills.

I tried to give you money once, but I thought it would weird out our relationship. I gave her money every time I saw her. He would slap me, high five. But then it got weird because I thought you thought I was showing up to get money from you. No. Did you really? Do you remember when you said, well, I was worried you were going to think that. Oh, no.

I never thought that. It was fun. It was a fun little it was a fun little gag you this is the funniest bit ever um we should do it more like a million but it gets funnier the more money it is but you um you told me too you were like if i handle the people that are because i love watching you get attacked by fans like it's one of my favorite when they approach because i I see them getting nervous, you can see them too, probably from fighting. Like you have like your- It makes me so uncomfortable. And I see them coming and I watch you, you're being cool, you're being cool,

and you're very nice, you're fan friendly, but they're just having such a moment they can't like get over themselves, they're like freaking out. So I always like, and I told you that, I'll pay you $100 to get people away that you know I want to get away. But then I started body checking people

and you're like, that's my friend. And I was like, oh shit, Rogan, I'm hungry, I'm hungry. I'd be like, boom. Elbowing Brandon Shaw in the face. Dude, when someone comes up to Rogan, like you see them circling like a fucking barracuda. You're talking to Rogan, you see just people circling. For some reason, they always wanna show you a video.

No, they're unfolding a paper. They always have something queued up for you to watch. Like, yo, I got to show you something. But you handle it really well. You do it without hurting their feelings. Yeah, you're so nice. I try. You do this Jedi mind trick where you're like, no, thanks, man.

Like, you make them. I try to be very nice. But it's an odd thing. But like I said, it's odd when I meet people. Like, when I met Bourdain, one of the first things I said things that is my wife says you're my boyfriend that's like the first thing I thought it's so funny she's like you gonna meet your boyfriend she thinks she's being funny and I said it to him and he's like well I'm like you're not a comic so sexy dude dude I'm just a great great guy he's so fun to hang around

with I really enjoyed that article I sent you read that article I sent you? That girl Leah McSweeney wrote? I started and I was like, ugh. Was it upsetting? Yeah. About what? About Bourdain? She was just talking about the toxic...

Was it before he had died or was it after he died? I don't know. She was writing about toxic femininity during the Me Too movement, which was like a breath of fresh air. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. But she was talking about

Asiara Genta and Rose McGowan and the stuff with Anthony Bourdain and how fucked up it was. But she's cool. She's on the New York Housewives now for some reason. Yeah, I know her. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's very random. And it was sort of about him. Yeah, but I'll send it to you. It's a really good article. Okay. There's toxic people. That's the problem, is if you get into this whole believe all women thing or believe all men

thing or believe all trans people, believe all anybody, you're going to run into people that are juking the system. You're going to run into toxic people. And the people that say believe all this person are the same people, it's also the same people that go you can't generalize about all people. And it's like, well, which is it? Well, they're trying to rope you into complicity. You have to comply. And if they the same people that go, you can't generalize about all people. And it's like, well, which is it? Well, they're trying to rope you

into complicity. You have to comply. And if they're saying, believe all anything, you must comply. That's what they're doing. They're playing a game with you, and it's not a rational one. It's not a, I've thought this through, and this is the best way as a sensitive, nuanced person. We should approach this. We should look at it with an open mind.

They're not saying that. They're saying, believe all anything. Believe all anything is crazy. It's disrespectful to like real victims it's like yeah i always hated the hashtag i always would joke i go i go the me too movement the hashtag bother me because it's like here's like i had a girl who i got in a fight with who her argument was she goes you don't understand what the me too movement was i'm the only one in this group of girlfriends that has actually had actual assault happen you know and sat in court and stuff and like really handled my problem. Now you're just bragging about how pretty you are. We get it guys want to assault you. I am so hot I've been hot since I was little I know to rock and dive. They're willing to break the law to touch you we get it. But I did do the right thing

you know and it's like so it was like I do think I am and I have a good perspective on this stuff and I and my and she goes that's not what we're fighting for the Me Too movement is about why when I go to the comedy club do the male comics kiss me on the cheek and not the other guys and I'm like, what? So that's this, this is what I said, this is this part of the hashtag and then it's like real rapes,

or no wait, this is real rapes and then this is like that part, right? And then they're like trying to go like, look at me some of that sweet real rape, I want some of that real rape. Give me some of that attention. Jesus Christ. Trying to get the like, you can't group it all together.

It's not the same. You can't group a comic not kissing his friends on the cheek but kissing you on the cheek. But also use your words and tell the person you don't want them to kiss you on the cheek. It's not the same as getting molested or raped. We all know some people we can hug each other. We hug each other.

And some people I don't hug. I don't know them that well. I don't hug them. But if I hug you it's because I each other. But then there's some people I don't hug. I don't know them that well. I don't hug them. But if I hug you, it's because I love you. That's why I'm hugging you. But it's all, it's everything's context. It's like, it's like,

I've never felt weird around Joe Rogan. Hugs, cool. And then someone holds on too long. You're like, yikes. Or they squeeze your back or something. Yeah, or put it on your lower back or touch your neck or something. Oh my God, there's this one girl at the comedy store.

I don't want to say any distinguishing features because I don't want you to, I don't want to, I don't like being I don't want you to. I don't want to. I don't like being. You can't. Right now, you can't, like, just say a little shitty thing someone did because they'll, like, be canceled. But here's what I'll say. It's like calling the cops on a black.

You can't do it anymore. They're going to get killed. Like, I can't be like, oh, it was so funny when that one comic grabbed my ass. You know, like, you can't say anything like that. But, I mean, it's interesting because it's like when I do, I always add context and go like, you don't get to decide what my experience with that person was. If someone smacked my ass and I thought it was funny, I get to decide that. You don't get to decide how it affected me. You know, this like self-righteous indignation and this like forcing me to have the experience you want me to have just so we can get in some adrenaline junkie like Twitter fight. Like you don't get to decide how it affected me.

So it's like women use your voices and speak up but if you say something I don't like. So you get blow back. You get blow back because you're like slowing the progress of outrage. You like hit the brakes on outrage because you're like I'm not outraged. You're like well you should be outraged.

We could use you. You could be a part of the outrage puddle. I'm outraged about a lot of things but you know, but I'm not going to lie and pretend I'm outraged about things that I'm not outraged about. That's the thing. You're allowed to have your own interpretation of any experience. Like if you have a bunch of friends and all of you run up and smack each other in the ass when you see each other, that's the thing you guys have decided is okay and you do it.

And if you stop liking it, go, I don't like that anymore. Right. And if someone does it and then you say they don't like it, they should apologize and they should never do it again. And you say, I'm sorry. I thought we were doing that. I didn't know. I'm so sad that like apologies don't work anymore.

I'm actually doing, I'm doing like a limited series podcast with Bonnie McFarlane about it called Cancel Us Next Tuesday, Son. So it's guns. But, which by the way, please be on it. But we're canceling different things each time. I want you to do the cancel romance, because everything's molesting in romance now. I was dating a guy who was 30, and he said,

can I take off your bra, can I kiss you? And I was just like, I don't know, can you? Can you, bitch? Oh, shit. I think I'm too old to even understand this new dynamic. Well, it's also like a teacher when you're like, can I go to the bathroom? They're like, you mean may I?

Yeah. At least say it right. But yeah, no, it's really weird. I think like the new sex sound instead of like slurping and suctioning is going to be two body cameras just like clinking against each other because we all need to record on both sides. What the fuck's going on? It's like insane.

I know, you have to set up a camera in the room. You have to illegally film people pretty much I know, you have to set up a camera in the room. That's all you have to do. You have to illegally film people, pretty much. No, you have to, everyone has to do porn. You have to do like, listen, there's only one way you can do this. Listen, next time I punch my cervix with my own hand, there will be cameras everywhere.

I think that was her sternum. I was in Houston like a year and a half ago when I was running like a new hour that a lot of it was about the Me Too stuff, you know, trying to keep it in context. Like a lot of this stuff shouldn't be reduced to a tweet or a fucking op-ed or whatever. So I was trying to really like dimensionalize it. And I'm in Houston and I go on stage and I'm sort of like arguing both sides, which is

what comics, we play devil's advocate. And I said something about like a guy that had smacked my ass in work or something. And I was like, yeah, that shouldn't have happened. That was sort of my take on it. And this woman in the front row just went, girl, take the compliment and move on. And I remember just being like, people have different takes on this.

Some people do. But also that is a little bit true. Like, okay, so I was, I've been walking, trying to walk five miles a day, just thinking and going through shit and coming up with ideas. And I was walking with like my fanny pack. I'm sweating.

I look like shit. You guys see like the crazy sunglasses I wear, like the least hot thing in the world. And I get this beat from this like beat up Corolla, you know, from like the 80s. And this guy like rolls up and he's just he's just whacking his dick. And it's like barely like it's like barely hard. You will not stop bragging on this podcast. But I'm saying I still got it.

You're hot. We get it. No, even when I'm ugly, I'm hot. Men just can't help themselves. I had so many, a range of emotions because then he had like a baby seat in the back and I was like, what's going on here? But then like, so I was just thinking, I was like, I went through this range of emotions and then I was like, you know, one day I will miss this.

I do think for real, I'll be like, nobody's going to be attracted. There's a lot of guys who do that to old ladies too. Oh my God, thank you. No, but also like- I'll be hot forever. There are times guys have done something like that, like, grab me in a way that ostensibly seems really weird, and it hasn't made me feel uncomfortable. But there are times someone will come to the comic store, say absolutely nothing, look

at me a certain way, and I'm like, something's off about that fucking guy. You're banned. You know? You're off the wall. You're allowed to have that. And guys are allowed to have that, too. Like, there's some women that you'll be around around and you're like, I gotta get the fuck away from this crazy person.

There's something off about this person. Yeah. Or they'll grab you. Or how about Bill Burr's bit that he had in his last special, Paper Tiger, about a comic who's a very prominent feminist comic who slapped him in the dick as he was going onto the stage. They were swapping positions and he was going on the stage and she was coming off and she slaps his dick.

And there are so many, I'm trying to really, for my next special, work on the way that we're sexist towards men because it's just no one talks about that. I had that Andrew Huberman on my podcast the other day. He's amazing. Brilliant neuroscientist who's working on this thing for your eyes and all this stuff. And he comes on and he's on my podcast. And I'm like, God, you're so hot. You're hot. And I realized if this was reversed, if a podcast host had a female scientist on and

was like, you're hot, you're sexy, you're hot for a scientist, they wouldn't go to jail. No, I should be, I'm sure, I honestly, I think under these guidelines, I have raped. I'm sorry. Okay, but here's the difference. The difference is- Thank you for interrupting. Right when I was going to explain it. Huberman's a gorilla.

I mean, he's a big dude. He's a big 230 pound man. Like, he can't say that to you for interrupting. Right when I was going to explain it. Schubertman's a gorilla. He's a big dude. He's a big 230-pound man. He can't say that to you that way. If he was the comedian and you were the scientist, it would be threatening to you. You're not threatening him by saying he's hot. It's just a compliment. So rude. You don't know what she can manipulate.

She could really ruin him. But it was, because he looks like a neurologist in a Marvel movie. Right. He looks like who you would cast in a Marvel movie. Like he's going to tear his scientist thing off at the end. He's got a thick ass neck. He's a big brawny dude. He's a guy you would see in a Marvel movie who would play a scientist.

You'd be like, that's not a fucking scientist. I'm getting a wop, guys. Stop. A wop. But there are times where I feel like I get away with shit that a guy would never fucking get away with. Of course. And I'm like, that's not fair. But it is fair.

That's the dynamic because there's no threat from you. That's why you can get away with it. Like if you said something crazy to me, I'd be like, Whitney, what the fuck are you talking about? It would never be like, oh, Jesus, now I have to be scared to be alone with her. A woman has to be scared to be alone with a guy. But I think what happens too is there's like the power thing comes into it too. And then you're like, so is it like social power, political power, career power? We know girls

who have forced guys into having sex with them. Girls who are in power, who force guys who are working for them to have sex with them. Yes, we do. We do know them.

We know them. We know them. But we don't give a fuck. It doesn't mean anything. I'm just preparing to dive under this table at any moment. We don't have to say any names, but it doesn't mean anything. It's Benton, and he's very upset with you, Whitney.

We don't care, right? We don't care. But if it was the other way around, it would be a real hard secret to keep. If they do care, I care. If they feel victimized by it, I do care. Yeah, that's true. I'm for the victim. It's not a gender thing.

If they do feel like, fuck, I thought I wasn't going to. But here's the thing. If a guy's like, Jesus, I can't believe I'm doing this. This is so disgusting, but I need this job. And he does it, we laugh. I would be like, ah! You did what? No, you didn't.

Ah! It's funny. I think a lot of people get caught in the logistics of, well, would you be able to get a boner if you didn't want to do it? Right. Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we're not believing men. We're doing the same thing.

That's a good point. It is a legitimate good point. It is a good point. Can you, as a man, get raped without getting a boner? You know what I mean? If you have a boner. If it's just mental to drink the cum of whatever animal that was,

then it's just mental to not be able to get raped with a boner. You can certainly make an argument that if a man gets an erection, that he's enjoying it. It's consensual, yeah. But here's the thing. Can a woman force you into doing something

and then you start enjoying it so you go along with it? But the beginning part was force. Yeah. Right? So is it still okay? It's a good question. It's a hard one. That would be like

an overly aggressive man too if a woman's saying no, no, no and then she starts liking it. Yeah. Is that rape? Yeah. Because it kind of is

especially if you've got a good editor. It's so hard because like four years ago we know from comics like what the hot topics were and it was fucking Fifty Shades of Grey

where we literally were going we were going when we say no we mean yes. That was literally like If you have a helicopter fucking Fifty Shades of Grey where we literally were going, we were going, when we say no, we mean yes. That was literally like- If you have a helicopter and you're a billionaire. It's another great bit.

Oh, I thought a Honda and a bag of Funyuns. No? It's another great bit that Burr has where he goes, no always means no. He's like, no it doesn't. Sometimes like, no.

Right. Stop. Right. No, stop. It's really hard, yeah. That's true. Right. But on paper, it's not. Like, you look at it in quotes, it's like, no, stop. No, stop. It's really hard. That's true. But on paper, it's not. You look at it in quotes.

It's like, okay, that's not cool. Do you know about the consent condoms? I was working on a bit about this before. They have consent condoms? No. I'm allergic to not having fun. By the way, I didn't realize until I was like 28, I thought it was a fact that guys could be allergic to latex.

Oh, that is hilarious. No, my balls drop. It is real. You can be allergic. Because guys would use that as an excuse to not use a condom. Like, wait a minute, you're in the wrong dating pool. These guys are all allergic to shit. But so, okay, wait. So the condoms are, you have to have four hands on it to open the condom.

Oh my God. Which by the way, if you're raping, there's probably not a condom involved. But the joke I was trying to work on is like, you have to put all your hands on it like a Ouija board. Do you love me? And just put it into the trash because nobody's using condoms. Come on. Let's make condoms harder to use.

Let's put another barrier between condoms I don't think I've ever gotten involved in that I'm always just like you handle that I don't know what's going on but people got mad

there was outrage when the condoms came out because they went that's ableist because if people don't have hands they can't put their hands on and my point was

if you don't have hands aren't you just fist fucking anyway aren't you like wrist fucking them you're like stub fucking them we're playing a game of Jeopardy with outrage.

You know, just looking for things to be pissed about. If you're really so pissed that you need four hands to open up this condom because you only have one hand or someone out there only has one hand, that's a crazy thing to get upset about. Also get a friend. They'll lend you a hand. But it's also, I think it's on us to stop taking the outrage seriously. We have to just ignore it.

We have to ignore it. It's not that big of a deal. But it's a game. It's a find a thing that you could be upset about. Find it. You don't have to just ignore it. We have to ignore it. It's not that big of a deal. But it's a game. It's a find a thing that you could be upset about. Find it. You don't have to actually be upset. I got in trouble

and I'm exaggerating. It wasn't that bad, but I said basket case, basket case. Oh, you told me this. Yeah, right? What was it? Basket case,

because basket case refers to soldiers in World War I that had all of their limbs removed. They could fit in a basket. They'd call them a basket case. And I was like, I said something where I was like, if you insult yourself, it's a self-deprecating

thing. I'm saying, I'm crazy. I'm a basket case. They're like, you're offending World War I soldiers. No, I'm offending myself. First of all, they're all dead. I think they're fine. Remember when Natasha got in trouble? For what? She was saying something. It was Veterans Day or something. It was SpaghettiOs.

She was like, yeah, the only thing they can eat without Day or something, and it was about, she's made some, it was like SpaghettiOs or something. She's like, yeah, the only thing they can eat or something, that they can eat without teeth or something. And it was like, people are like, how dare you? And it's like, but they are elderly. And it's not, she's just making a joke. And then she didn't, she put out an apology that wasn't an apology and it was very good. Yeah, I mean, we need sports back. It was really good. We need sports.

I think this is what happens when sports goes away. How about this is what happens when everything's gone away? Yeah. This is like the vibration of the country. This was already happening. It was already happening, but this accentuated it in a big way. The vibration's so off. Did you read James Altucher, the guy who, he's one of the owners of Stand Up New York.

Did you read the article that he wrote about New York? He's like, New York City is dead forever and it's not coming back. And it's fucking terrifying. And it's true. And it's accurate. And I think that's the same with LA. And. And it's fucking terrifying. And it's true. And it's accurate. And I think that's the same with L.A. And I think it's the same with a lot of people. And people are on fucking tilt right now.

So everything makes them upset. But Austin's so cool. Dude, Austin's dope. But do you think that the sort of modern day Coliseum is Twitter? Like we've always had this in us. We've always wanted to watch people get torn apart. No, I think it's a totally new thing. It's not just watching people get torn apart. No, I think it's a totally new thing. It's not just watching people

get torn apart. It's the ability to participate. And it's also... It's like having stock and taking someone down. You're getting addicted to this weird feedback loop that the book Irresistible talks about. You're putting something out there and then you're reading the response and you're addicted to how many likes and retweets

and shit you get. And I think you feel addicted to feeling part of something. Like, I helped take that person down. I was a part of that. I'm an activist. Yeah. Oh, activist. People have it in their, like, bios now. They're like, activist.

What qualifies you as an activist? They complain a lot. They complain a lot and they try to get people canceled. We used to call that just like you're an obnoxious complainer. Yeah. You're the people like, do you like the environment? Like, oh, fuck. Of course I like the environment,

but I gotta go to Whole Foods, leave me alone. When actors don't get any attention anymore, they become activists. And this is a really common thing with the people that are just pure narcissists. You see them supporting these fucking causes. But what are your qualifications?

What qualifies you? I just feel like if you wanna get the ultimate virtue signaling and the best way to be a good person, because I do believe all of this is a fear of death and people want to live on past their life. So they're like, if I do all this good stuff, when I die, all the news will talk about me and they'll celebrate my birthday or whatever and I'll live on forever. But if you think about with, oh my God, I'm having an ADD moment.

What was I talking about? ADD? ADD? You were talking about cancel culture? Cancel culture. Activism. Activism. The best way to do it is the way that George Michael did it, where he was underground amazing.

He was giving to these charities. He was a silent philanthropist. So then if you really want that attention, which I'm not saying that's what he did. When he died, it came out that he was amazing. Yeah. And it wasn't like the glory of being on this earth, like everyone being like, wow saying that's what he did. When he died, it came out that he was like amazing. And it wasn't like the glory of being on this earth, like everyone being like, wow, you're like, that's so amazing that you donated this much. His donations, yeah.

When people post their donations, it's so gross. He did it for the right reasons. Tax write-offs. I'm not rich enough to understand these things. I mean, I think people don't understand like when you see a celebrity give a huge donation, everyone's like, they're so amazing. It's like, well, that's also a write-off for them.

Oh, my God. They have to give a certain amount of charity. I can't wait to learn about this stuff. It's just so transparent and gross when you see people trying so hard to get people to think they're virtuous. And that's what it is. It's disgusting. But when you see people do it that you know are pure narcissists, it's offensive.

But I felt like during Black Lives Matter, I was so conflicted because i did want to i was like i don't want people to i am like for i want people to have equality and and i do believe there's systematic racism and and or systemic i said i'm uneducated mom and dad not mad at you anymore but you did fucking send me to shitty schools but um no but i do believe in that but like with the black square i ended up posting it and then i the reason i was so mad at myself is because i always i'll do the thing but i always want there to be an element of jokes because i'm a comedian yeah so i realized after i posted it what i should have done was repost rachel dolezal's black square and then it would have had like in the corner it would have said and i fucking missed that opportunity but people were like your virtues and it's like i just

i don't i do want to let it be known that i'm willing to like lose followers over but you have to also know what like their motive in doing it it's so clear when someone's doing it and self-serving it's like when someone dies and you see them post a picture of them and the person that died it's like did you just go into your iCloud and be like where's that photo of me and the dead famous person when Joan Joan Rivers died, someone posted, a comic poster who's terrible, posted a thing that was like, I'm gonna miss Joan Rivers once she saw me perform and told me how amazing I was.

And you're just like, you're crazy. How are you managing to make this death about you? There's nothing grosser than when someone talks about how much someone who died loved them. Them. Loved them, thought they were awesome. Right. Remember when Notre Dame was burning someone who died loved them. Loved them, thought they were awesome. Right.

Remember when Notre Dame was burning and everyone was posting photos of them at Notre Dame? Bragging about, you know, you're just bragging about your, none of them went in, none of them waited in line to go in. They were outside like, fuck that line, I need to see the inside. And then as soon as it caught on fire, everyone was like, this was me.

Well, during the protest, they were getting, people were canceling like the people taking selfies with the. Well, they were taking selfies and then going home and not actually protesting. I saw, because I was at one of the protests. And people would come and take a picture and just dart out. I was like, Jesus Christ. I told Donnell, I was like, if you need my white body to jump in front of you. Because they were showing, like, videos of, like, white girls, like, going in front of black guys when the cops would come over.

To stand in front of them as a white shield. I was like, Donnell, I'll stand in front. I'll use my white body in front of you. But only when the camera would come over to stand in front of them as a white shield. I was like, I'll stand in front, I'll use my white body in front of you, but only when the camera's on. Like I just like jump in front and get my photo up and then I'm like, all right. So ridiculous. But yeah, I think it's just like a matter of motives

and it is so clear when someone's using it to advance their own agenda. I think we're all addicted to attention. I love attention, I'm not gonna lie. Social media is the big attention fix and everybody's hooked on it. Imagine thinking that someone, imagine like being on a soap opera

and thinking someone wants your take on politics. Like imagine being an actress. I think they think it's a career move. I really do. I think when you want to support the right candidate or you want to support

the right bill or you want to- Trump had zero celebrities. Scott Baio. So yeah, zero. Well, look at- He had zero. Trump had zero celebrities. Scott Baio, so yeah, zero. He had zero. Trump had zero celebrities. Kanye eventually. I know. Uh-oh.

Is he coming on? I don't think so. The irony that celebrities think they're helping when in reality they're harming. The fact that they didn't go like, oh, this is why people hated Hillary, a big part of it. That's why Ricky Gervais is so funny calling everyone out at the award ceremonies because they were all

they're all like fuck Harvey Weinstein time's up I'm like your friend from last year well how many of them have videos of them thanking him at the Academy Awards that's what's crazy there's so many people thanking Harvey Weinstein he's so mad he's like you fucking

assholes. But he probably was like, I never saw this coming. And who would have ever thought that I could get taken down with all those videos of all those people, Meryl Streep saying how amazing I am. All these people saying how amazing he is. Still got taken down. Remember how crazy that was?

I remember being at the Comedy Store when Ricky Gervais was doing that and I posted, oh, everyone's mad at Ricky Gervais, which probably means he told some jokes. Like I tweeted that or something. Ben Shapiro was tweeting it. Like Candace Owens was. All of a sudden I was alt-right because I was defending jokes.

He knows about this. Why are you alt-right if you're pro-comedy? Because they're not being real. They're not being honest. They just want to box you into a corner and label you and then play this game to see how many people retweeted and where it goes and whether they can get you canceled. No one wants nuance. Well, not no one. I don't want it then.

I'm generalizing. Same thing. But that's a lot of what it is. They just look at you as a target. I read somewhere that 22% of people are on Twitter and of that 2% generate 80% of the comments. So it's also such a small group.

And they're all mentally ill. There's a lot of them are mentally ill, like legitimately mentally ill, like depressed, anxious, fucked up, checking their shit constantly. Addicted to adrenaline. Literally on their bios it'll say proud mental health advocate. They them. I always get someone that is like, you're a busted whore and I always want to go to their page and it's always like, proud father. How about when a girl who's so obviously a woman

writes that her she identifies as her she and you're like, what? Of course. If it's a different thing, show me. My favorite is they them. You write they them on your bio. I'm your friend. I love it. You're a they. I think that we have to stop

taking cancel calls like we have to stop giving it air time you know what I mean we have to stop we can tell jokes we can be Franklin mocking it is what's important

yeah no I mean talking about it like this but I mean I just like when everyone's like we can't do jokes yes you can fucking do them just keep doing them

Marina Franklin has a joke that I don't I'm gonna butcher it but it's something along do you know her yeah I love her yeah she's so funny okay so she goes she goes I can't use people's going to butcher it, but it's something along, do you know her? Yeah, I love her. Yeah, she's so funny. Okay, so she goes,

I can't use people's correct pronouns because then I just sound like a slave. If I'm like they, that, you know what I mean? She's talking like slave voice. That's hilarious. But when you get into a comic club and start telling jokes, people want to laugh. Other comics might not want to, journalists might not want to,

justice warriors might not want to, but the average person is not on Twitter every day attacking comedians. Yeah, well people trying to be offended. That's what we were talking about earlier. It's not that they're actually offended. They're trying to be offended and it becomes a game. Find things that are targets. Is it actually offending you?

Is that what you're talking about? Or have you found a valid target and now you're just going after it? Because this is the game. You sank my battleship. They're playing a little weird game. Makes them feel important or something. And then the most annoying fucking thing I get

is whenever I laugh at an offensive joke and someone goes, you're enabling. Like oh, so I'm the problem? But you also gotta realize, even invalid criticism, it's still valid. To that dummy, that's a valid piece of criticism. We can't silence them either. Right.

Because the whole thing is mocking them, right? Like mock it so you expose it for what you really think it is. But they have to be able to do that too so we can figure out where the line really is. This is what a lot of people that are really super liberal don't understand, why they think it's a good idea to silence and de-platform conservative people. It's a terrible idea because then you don't develop the proper arguments for what they're developing. The way these things are supposed to go

is someone says something like, you're an enabler, and you're like, shut the fuck up. And everybody's like, ah, they laugh at you. And then that person looks like a moron. And then someone has a valid piece of criticism. And then the comic kind of looks like a dick. And then you figure out what we actually agree on instead of using buzzwords and using like little

things that people say to just find a target we both have to exist yeah for us both to exist and you know we figure it out and a lot of those people are going to get out of that they're going to be your friend one day and also you're you're allowed like like you're not better than other people because you think a certain way there's so many people that are like i'm right obviously and you're wrong obviously and it's like that's not how things work and with all the canceling all the twitter stuff they're going pat like down this line of which now we've given them with twitter right you're just giving people a transcript of like all the shit you've said over the years but it's like you're expected to have this perfect record like you're never supposed we're flawed

humans that's how we learn that's how we learn that's how we grow it's through adversity we learn we fuck up we fail we get back up and there's no room for that anymore but it's also here's the thing like why are you spending so much time complaining about other people all day i'll tell you why because you're not healthy that's right like you're not doing smart things if i look at your twitter timeline and i'm seeing tweets 12 hours a day, you're a crazy person. You might not realize you're a crazy person. Do you think there'll be a day where we will look back and go, remember when anyone could get on Twitter at any time? You think there's going to be smoking?

There's going to be restrictions? I think Twitter is going to be like blockbuster video. I think we're going to look back. Remember when we used to communicate through Twitter? Like, oh my God, it was so toxic. Everybody was so mean. We're going to hit some new thing next that's going to allow people to read each other's minds or Elon Musk's Neuralink, which he's talking about communicating with no words.

We're going to hit that, and it's going to make this seem like nonsense. Because what we're lacking in, this is one of the things in that book, Irresistible, there's no empathy in these conversations. And that's the big part of the problem. It's like you don't see the people. You don't feel their pain. So you can say horrible shit to them. It's the vast majority of the way people are communicating, like a lot of people.

The vast majority of their communication is text messages and tweets. And none of it is person to person. These kids are arguing with each other through text because they don't want to look at each other and talk like human beings. That's the only way you develop and grow as a person. Louis did a whole bit on one of the late shows before obviously the

canceling. Where he was talking about that, he's like, you need to see someone's feelings be hurt to realize that your words have a specific type of impact on people. And then you decide, like, oh, I don't want to do that anymore. Like, I don't want to. But if you just are shooting these things out and they're going into this void.

And you get praised from them by other twats who are sitting at home by themselves. Like, yeah, yeah, cancel her. They're so excited about it. They love it. Like little mobs. It's a drug. I mobs it's a drug I mean it is a drug you do feel high

and I gotta say it's like the same way when you drive by a car accident you're like oh I hope I see a severed body you know you kinda like wanna see some fucking shit like when I see that someone

you know they do these like so and so is over party which is so fucked up when you think about it but I'm always like like pure adrenaline and I can't help myself

oh my god a bunch of female comedians who are like some that would probably say the comedy store sucks. They did a retirement party for men where it was like all these like comics that aren't past it, actual clubs, female comics. And they had like a banner and it was like buy men or whatever it was like two years ago.

I'm like, oh God. That sounds like a good use of their time. Maybe write some fucking jokes. Write some fucking jokes. We'll let you in. All we want is you to be fine. Like, we'll let you in. Super funny.

And Annie and I were, you know, bonding a lot over the break about sort of like, you know, no one's been meaner to us in this business than women. Yeah. You know, so it's like, no one wants to have that uncomfortable conversation. Yeah, where it's like, just chill. Yeah. it's not men versus women it's bad versus good good men and good men versus bad women and bad men again it's like we live in generalizations so we do we love generalizations and we don't like

nuance because it makes us force it forces us to look at our own ideas yeah it's uncomfortable you know it just because you know men are doing well in a business and you're not, it doesn't mean the men have some sort of a conspiracy. I think it's harder for a woman to be a comic. I do. And I think it's harder because of society. I think it's more difficult to talk about things that are important. Like a man can talk about politics. It is very difficult for a woman to go on stage and talk about politics.

Men can talk about sex and they don't look like they're a slut or damaged. I think if you're unattractive, you can. If you're an unattractive woman, you can talk about politics. Men can talk about sex and they don't look like they're a slut or damaged. I think if you're unattractive, you can. If you're an unattractive woman, you can talk about sex. I'm sorry. A woman, like there was,

who, Christopher Hitchens. Christopher Hitchens had a bit in Vanity Fair, wrote a story, Women Aren't Funny. That's right. It was like this,

this really sort of takedown of like the kind of comedy that a woman has to do to be funny. They have to be butchy or has to be male kind of comedy. I don't necessarily agree with them because I think there's a lot of women that are really funny. But I think it's a harder path. I think it's a more narrow keyhole you're shooting through. Whereas a guy, I think in general, audiences will accept a man telling them what's wrong. Whereas I think a lot of men, in particular on on dates do not want to hear a woman, especially

an attractive one, tell the guy in the audience that he's wrong about something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I think women are naturally more empathetic, can tend to be more empathetic just because we're mothers, we're nurturers, we're caregivers. And so we're more willing. I mean, we're barren and we have to do comedy. Whenever like Joey said something, he's like, you're smart. You're like, you know, you're likeren and we have to do comedy whenever like, like Joey said something, he's like, you're smart.

You're like, you, you know, you're like one of the guys, like you fit in with it. I'm like, you fit in with me, bitch. Like this is how I am. But, um, but, but it's like you, fuck, I keep forgetting. I've got to stop smoking weed. It's just, it's like early on. I know that comedians, females are more empathetic. Right.

We're more empathetic. So we're more willing to listen to a guy talk about his day jerking off or anything like one of those things that maybe we wouldn't have the experience of having as a woman. But guys are less interested in hearing about ours. Wasn't one of the points that Hitchens was making that we're wired to worry about women if they hurt themselves? And so much of comedy is talking about I hurt myself. I made this mistake. I, you know, that it's sort of like we're wired to be protective of them. So it's not funny.

Like if a man slips on a banana peel, it's funny. If a woman slips on a banana peel, it's like, are you okay? I don't think there's any one factor. I think there's a bunch of factors, but I think that's it too. I think that factors in too. But I think the big one is men don't want to hear women talking about things like opinions on politics or opinions on money or opinions. I like to get mad.

A lot of guys are like they'll get that thing especially young guys and young guys on dates that want to look like a cool guy and some girl saying something like here's the fucking problem with men. Yeah.

This bitch. Yeah. It's interesting. If you don't vote for Biden you know you ain't black. Oh yeah. Whatever they want to say. That was fucking wild.

I remember that crazy. Charlamagne was like I'm trying to help. Yeah. Char. That was fucking wild. I remember so crazy. Charlamagne was like, I'm trying to help. Yeah, Charlamagne was like, damn. I love Charlamagne. I do too, but it had to be in his head.

He had to be like, damn, that's a good clip right there. He was like, bam, 10 million hits. That's going to do very well. Bad for America possibly? Good for me. I don't know if it's bad for America.

We'll see. Do you remember a time when we were doing stand-up and people would intro us as, so are you guys ready for a lady? That's how they would introduce us. You're going to be really this is not going to be very ladylike, sorry.

Which is their way of saying, if you guys need to go to the bathroom or failure meter, now's the time. That was what we talked about the other night, the word comedian. That used to be a word. I get that a lot. People say it. It's ironic because it's like the New York Times and really fancy journalists will say comedian. And I'm like, are you supposed to be the most wokest of the woke

and progressive? Is that supposed to be sophisticated? A lot of people don't even like actress anymore. They just say actor. I'm an actor. Yeah, because a female could be an actress. They prefer activist. I actually don't mind being treated like an under because it's an opportunity

to make a joke you know like when they bring you on I was saying before like sometimes Jason Galeran is a comic he'll burn me on

and be like this sexy this next sexy and I'm always like ew but instead of getting offended I just go on stage and I always go

when we were out in the parking lot one night he said if my wife were dead I'd fuck I'd fuck the shit out of me and I was like

if I was dead possibly you could fuck the shit out of me and it always gets a laugh it makes the less uncomfortable it's like our job it's fun is to like make fun yeah like of a weird situation like not go like i'm deeply like why would i be offended who cares and it's fun to come on in a hole sometimes and dig out it's fun it's just definitely some way to break the ice yeah and there's also like, you know, I remember when I first started and I was like, you know,

I look back and I'm like, people are like, women aren't funny and women aren't funny. I was like, I wasn't funny when I started. No one's funny when they fucking start. I was so funny when I started. And so hot. Everyone's molesting me and laughing at my jokes.

I know, Jesus, Annie. But I remember being so offended when people were like, women aren't funny and, you know, I couldn't get stage time because I didn't deserve stage time. But there's a lot of guys that are not funny, too. Of course. It's not isolated to any gender, and there's a lot of women that are funny.

And that's why the whole thing is so offensive, because to the people that have already gotten through and become professional comics, and they know what the real deal is, the real deal is you like everybody who's funny. That's the real deal. The real deal is everybody is kind of really cool to each other that are really funny. And you make fun. It's fun. It's just so fun.

Whether it's Michelle Wolf or whoever is a killer, Fortune, Femster, whoever, anybody who's a killer. They're only curly haired women. Sorry. That's what I think of funny. Nobody,

yeah, Carrot Top. No one, I mean, all those people are just accepted because they're funny. Nobody pays money drives out to a comedy show

gets a date pays a two drink minimum and then wants to like intentionally not laugh at someone yeah nobody does that they want you to win

but I think a lot of guys have a hard time with women being in control I really do yeah I know a lot of guys that's what they I'm like

she's hilarious I don't know she fucking talks about this too much or politics yeah there's just I feel like there's no off limits.

It's just funny. It's funny. You can talk about anything. There's no. There's no, you remember, there used to be male political comedians like Will Durst. Like his whole act would be political or Randy Credico. The whole act was political. Jimmy Tingle was very political.

There's never a woman comic like that. No, there's like talk shows like Samantha Bee or like, you know, shows like Talk Show. But even Samantha Bee like, when Samantha Bee had, I remember when they were first running the ad campaign for the show coming out, they still were doing things that were like, they had her have like these big balls or something. They were like playing so much on the gender thing

where it's almost like, just do the show and don't, which by the way, do whatever you want. Obviously she has a successful show, but it's like, let's just be women doing a thing and not have to talk about the fact that we're women doing a thing. Stop reminding them all the time. Well, when you're a woman

and you're in a position of power like that, you kind of have to be the one who takes control and if there's an issue that needs to be discussed, you kind of have to call it out on your show. Yeah, right. It's not like if a guy is doing a show, like a Jimmy Tingle, or not Jimmy Tingle, Jimmy Fallon.

You gotta stop saying Tingle, it's like too, it's such a silly name. It's making me feel weird. No, but that's the silliest name I've ever heard. I feel uncomfortable. He's one of those guys from Boston when I first started who was a brilliant, brilliant comedian. But anyway, a male comic doesn't feel like

they have to defend men. Right. Like if another male comic is getting shit on, they don't feel like they have to jump into the fray, hey, us guys have to stick men. Right. Like if another male comic is getting shit on, they don't feel like they have to jump into the fray. Hey, us guys have to stick together. But women do. I don't think, I don't,

I feel like, but I feel like it's like fun. I don't have the parts. I don't have tits and I don't have eggs. Should you be allowed to say barren with Barron Trump around?

Is that offensive to Trump's kid? Like for real. That's so interesting. Like imagine, like if it becomes a word that like, hey, you know,

that's not cool. I feel like that's the least of his problems. Just say infertile. You have other words. Right if it becomes a word that like, hey, that's not cool. I feel like that's the least of his problems. Just say infertile. You have other words. Use the right ones. Use the very long ones that take much longer. Are we going to ask Joe about our proposition for your eggs? Well, I was telling her you two are the ones that have made me freak out the most about whether I can have kids or not.

So do you want to go halfsies on freezing her eggs? Do you want to freeze your eggs? Well, you both were like, if you're going to have kids, you better have them soon. She was like, freeze your eggs today. I was like, can I borrow money for the Uber at least? There's no more Uber in LA as of today. Oh, really? They shut Uber and Lyft down.

Cool. Because of COVID, there's nothing to do? No. They're not making any money? Because the regulations, the state government wants to put on people. They want them all to be employees. But they're using the COVID as the... No, they're not using COVID

as it. They just passed it and Uber and Lyft are both pulling out of California, which is going to mean how many people are going to have to drive drunk now? How many people are not going to have jobs? Exactly. How many people who are barely getting by anyway, all of a sudden the carpet got pulled out from under them.

There's a lot of people that at least are doing Uber and they're driving people around. How many comments are going to lose all of their setups now that they don't have Uber drivers to talk about? I mean, we only can hope that they come to their senses and realize how crazy this is in this time to take any job away. But I think the problem is some people want it because they want health insurance and they want all sorts of protections as an employee.

But it's a gig. That's what they call it, like gig employment. It's not a job. It's not a career. It's just a gig. And you can make a lot of money doing it part time. And they're like, no, fuck you. You're making a lot of money.

They're not making as much money. You need to give them some of that money. They need to be employees. I get the argument. Isn't Airbnb not allowed too because of COVID right now? not making as much money. You need to give them some of that money. They need to be employees. I get the argument. Yeah. Interesting. Isn't Airbnb not allowed too because of COVID right now? No, I don't think that's true because I know people have used Airbnb. Oh, okay.

Because I was going to say, it's like everyone's like side gigs are fucked. You spray things and shit. But I bet they're hurting though. I bet a lot of people don't want to do it. But the thing about the Uber and the Lyft thing, it's like, I see both ways because it's like, how much money do they make off that app? And how do they divvy that shit up? Yeah.

I see a lot of those drivers in Teslas and I'm like, you must be making some money. Maybe that's just a person who wants a Tesla and says, if I just work 10 hours a day, I can afford a Tesla. Right, right, right, right. But the thing is like, the Uber people and the Lyft, the people that own the company, how much are they making by just having an app? Yeah. And I think they're not good. I don't think

they give a great percentage. I started not liking Uber when the drivers could rate you back. They could rate you back? And I would just get in the Uber sometimes and say nothing. I'd be going to the comedy store, working on my act, and sometimes people do want to chat and I'm just really quiet and then I would

get like four stars. Maybe they didn't like your special. They're like, we knew she was. Trust me, if I talk, it's going to be much worse. Does Lyft do the same thing? They have that as well? I don't know. I would only have done Uber,

but does Lyft have it, the rating? I don't know. I got kicked off of Lyft because I was mad. The driver almost ran my foot over once, and I left a message on his answering machine like, I hope you rot in fucking hell and then they said I abused him and then they asked why and I just went honestly I'm PMSing and they didn't that wasn't a good like honestly you almost hurt me and I'm on my period and I'm really mad

over your fucking foot weren't they trying weren't they trying to change what PMS is called because it was offensive it was not instead of it's mean to people who menstruate. It wasn't a post menstrual dysmorphia. Aren't they calling it that now? Didn't we change the dysmorphia? Yeah, dysmorphia. Body dysmorphia.

Yeah. They were trying to put tampons in the men's bathroom at Yale because they said sometimes men menstruate. I think the last time I was on this podcast we talked about this.

I think we talked about it. It's adorable. It's so weird. It's just sometimes women don't. Do you know what the weird thing is though? It's like it's adorable. It's so weird. It's just sometimes women don't. Do you know what the weird thing is, though? It's like, it's not like being anti-trans. It's just you're not allowed to talk about it at all unless you're like completely on the side of, of, I don't even want to say it.

I don't want to say it. I don't want to talk about it. You're getting canceled. You can't just go like, I'm standing outside of this situation and I, I, this side is saying this and this side is saying that. And you can't, cause then they're like, you're, you're transphobic or something. outside of this situation. And this side is saying this and this side is saying that. And you can't because then they're like, you're transphobic or something.

It's like, you're not transphobic. Here's what you can say. We put tampons in the men's room because sometimes trans women use the men's room and they can still get their period. That's an accurate way of saying that. That's a real way.

You can say that. Holla. Is that me? It's not me. It's not me. You're a mess. It wasn't me. That's you. That's a real way. You can say that. Holla. Is that me? It's not me. You're a mess. It wasn't me. That's you. That's me! You fucking bitched it. That is always the best. I'm such a con. Did you see that?

When someone shits on you for something that's accurate. You're the only two people I talk to. I can't imagine who's calling me. You're the only two people I talk to. It's definitely Esther. It's a little Esther being like you guys are there without me? I know. It's Tim Dillon being like, fucking talk about me. I have a very distinctive ring. So if you call me, I know exactly what it is.

That's so funny. I have it on silent. I have the T-Rex roar. Really? Yeah. Oh my God. So when someone calls me, it roars. Dude, when are we ever going to see you again, Joe?

I'm actually starting to get sad. No, it's disgusting. Come visit. I'll come back. I only fly private now since I did this podcast twice. This is my second Rogan and I fly private. But my favorite part of Austin is it has the largest population of bats. Yeah, a lot of fucking bats.

Oh, good. Great. The thing that gave us Corona. Don't eat any of them. No, not Chinese people. Bats. Jesus. That's so racist.

You're a canceled. It's scientists. It's scientists. They're under a bridge and every night they fly out. When I say people, I meant scientists. Cancel science. Cancel science. I meant Chinese scientists.

Have you seen them fly out from under that bridge? Yeah, it's wild. Yeah, at dusk. So cool. Yeah, it's really cool. As soon as it starts turning dark out, they fly out. I mean, millions of them. Yeah, I went kayaking.

The largest in North America. Look at that. Look at that. Largest number of bats in North America. What's the festival that's so fun that's in Austin? What's it called? Moon Tower. Moon Tower.

But isn't Austin the only city that still operates moon towers? I don't know. It is. I don't know. It is. I don't know. I believe it is. I never want to. I've never done any of those. Yeah, those are good.

And the Austin City Limits is another one. It also has the only nude beach in Texas. I do know that. I've done Austin City Limits. I've done that theater. The big theater there. What is the theater there? Paramount.

Is that what it is? Is that the one you can drink and you can. I don't know, but it's beautiful. It's gorgeous inside. Is that it? The Paramount't know, but it's beautiful. It's gorgeous inside. Is that at the Paramount Theater in Austin? It's fucking... It's so fucking... No, the Param...

Moonlight Towers, Austin is... Only known surviving moonlight towers in the world. What does that mean? I don't know. They go on at night, and it creates light as if it was the moon. They're everywhere. I don't like seeing only known surviving, and then there's a picture of Brody. I hate that, and a gun under it.

Jesus Christ. It's like, fuck. Jesus Christ. I got my Brody pin, by the way. Rock pins. Have you been to Austin before? Yeah, I did the Moon Tower. Oh, nice.

Nice. Yeah, they let me do festivals sometimes. We're going to come. We're going to come let Joe hunt us. It's so fun, yeah. Come visit. Well, we're going to take over your studio for our podcast Trauma Bonding. Trauma Bonding.

Well, no, you already have one with Bonnie. Now I'm jealous. Well, you're going to be on it and we're just doing six. It's a limited series. Do you think Bonnie's going to try to put a wedge between you two? No, Bonnie's going to love it. Bonnie's the coolest. She's such a beast. I talk to Bonnie every day. We laugh. She's the fucking quickest, funniest bitch

in the world. And her movie is a great example of what we're talking about. Women aren't funny. It's a fucking awesome documentary. When she dressed up like a guy and went on stage, she looked like Rafi, who we were talking about

the other day. A little bit, yeah. Something that made me laugh so hard at that documentary is when she was like, well, there are some women that aren't funny. And because there's less of us,

you can make a sort of stereotype based on one person. So she's like, we don't need to get more women in comedy. We just have to ask the people that suck to quit

so she called up a bunch of female comics and she was like hey can you stop doing stand up it's ruining it for the rest of the world you know what my

feelings are it's not the people that suck it's the people that aren't that good those are the dangerous ones it's not the ones that suck

because the ones that suck everybody knows they suck and it just kind of never happens it's the ones that are just fucking shaky.

No, it's the guys. Their premises are kind of okay. Their delivery's kind of all right. They get some laughs. So they're passable, yeah. But they don't get enough. And then they're angry. Those are the ones outside the walled garden.

I think it's male comics' fault. That? Because if you think about the best pickup line for a male comic to hit on a female comic is you're funny. That was really funny. Yeah, you're really funny. Yeah, like you're funny. And then girls are like, I am! Like it totally worked on me so many times.

See, to me, I feel like if someone says you're funny, you're not funny. If you just come off stage and someone says nothing, that means you're funny. Well, or, I mean, look, if someone thinks you're funny, if they say it, it should register, right? The problem is you've got that male-female dynamic. So it should register. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The problem is, you've got that male-female dynamic.

So it's like, is he trying to fuck me? What is this? Well, that's why I like that you find me disgusting and you put your tits away, you nasty bitch. So that's why

when you tell me I'm funny, I'm like, okay. I had to say that in the moment. That was a funny thing to say. It was very funny. There's something amazing about comedy that does kind of neuter us.

Yeah, it really does. I don't feel sexual energy around comics. No offense. But there's just something. It just feels very fraternal. I never feel sexual around it. It's what we were talking about at the comedy store the other night when we were doing the thing. It's like there's not that many of us.

There might be a thousand of us on the planet. At a seven billion people. After this, maybe way less. After this pandemic. Yeah, legitimately. Well, they can't drive Lyft anymore. They've got to go home. I feel like we're going to come back and half the comics are going to have to have moved home. planet at a seven billion people maybe way less i mean after this pandemic yeah legitimate well they can't drive lift anymore they gotta go home i mean i feel like we're gonna come back and half the comics are gonna have to have moved home i'm gonna get such sweet spots at the comedy store

now i'm like oh you will you will the question is how many clubs are going to be open the comic store is going to stay open but how many clubs will be there's going to be a lot that go under a lot like maybe half of them in the country well a lot of what i I was hearing was I kept booking dates and canceling and booking and canceling. Remember during that time when it was just chaos? Right. We didn't want to just surrender to what the fuck was happening. But a lot of clubs wanted us to book knowing we were going to have to cancel just so they could get some income. Oh, God.

And then they weren't going to refund. They were just going to give you a credit. Oh, God. So it was I paid money to see Joe Rogan knowing he was not going to be able to. Just to get the lights on. And then to go just to keep the lights, knowing the show's never going to happen. And then you get a credit to my club when Joe cancels. Well, if Ben Gleib had become a president, we would have been bailed out of all the clubs.

I like you say a president. If Ben Gleib had become a president, that's how out of touch you are with politics. She's like, how many of them are there? Female comics doing politics. And Ben Glead had become a president. It's just so weird because a lot of these clubs are barely functioning without a pandemic. Oh yeah, like Laugh Factory and maybe some

of the smaller outside clubs like Ha Ha or Ice House. Why did the Comedy Connection close in Boston all those years back? Well, they opened up the Wilbur Theater. Oh, it was the same. Yeah, when Bill Blumenreit started doing? Well, they opened up the Wilbur Theater. Oh, it was the same. Yeah, when Bill Blumenreit started doing shows at the Wilbur, the Wilbur's like, what, 1,200, 1,300 people? So he started getting literally like a good headliner who would sell out Faneuil Hall, which is like 500 people or 400 people.

You could actually, with his mail list and the fact that comedy is so popular in Boston, he could sell out the Wilbur. I just remember the Comedy Store OR is my favorite room in the world. Yeah, it's the best room. The comedy connection, that room. The Faneuil Hall one? The way that it was wide. It was shallow and kind of wide with low ceilings.

Yeah. I used to get Ari Shaffir so high that he couldn't remember what he talked about. And then I'd send him on stage and he was like, I'm too high. That's so mean. No, no, no, it's fine. He goes, I shouldn't get too high. I go, dude, you can't get fired. You literally can't get fired. I'm like, you work for me.

I know you're funny. Let's go have fun, man. Let's just go out there and get crazy. And then he goes, you can drug your friends. Well, that was later. I did not approve. I was not a part of that. Ari came to my house like a year ago and was like, I need to talk to you.

And I was like, oh, shit, this is probably not going to go well. This is a prank waiting to happen. I'm going to get dosed or something. And he came over and he took me on a hike. And he was like, basically, this is an intervention. You need to go get lost somewhere. Like, I want you to go to Peru for two months without a cell phone or something and I was like you're out of your fucking mind he goes but keep

tweeting controversial things no but and then the fucking pandemic happened I was like I should have fucking done that yeah but then you'd be stuck in Thailand or something yeah yeah yeah that's That's true. A lot of people got stuck in other countries. Why don't you get lost in your fucking field of... He said it because he did it himself and he had a great benefit from doing it. And he's right on a lot of that stuff.

That's just because he was off Twitter for a couple months. That too. But there's a real benefit for that. I want to do it. One of the first comments when I posted that book, he was like I'll accept your apology. I saw that. Are you't want to do it. You know, one of the things on one of the first comments of that, when I posted that book, he was like, I'll accept your apology. I saw that.

Are you going to change your cell phone habits now that you read that book? I already have. Well, you know that I put on my phone, because of you, I have a folder

called Addict at the very end with my social media, but now I just scroll seven times to get to it. Oh, you know what I do when I'm healthy? I delete all of the apps so then you have to re-download them.

And it's just this extra step that's annoying. However, what I realized is. I'll just normalize to the extra step though. Do you know what I realized? I just kept, I would pick my phone up and I would just tap. Like I'm so addicted to just tapping. And it would start downloading. And then immediately it would download.

You know what someone was telling me? This was a real doctor, Huberman, said that people, when they come out of surgery, the first thing they do when they come out of anesthesia is they grab their genitals. It's just like a subconscious thing. Make sure it's still there? Yes. Jesus. But now they reach for their phone.

Oh my God. It's better than you, Dick. Wow. It's going to be a part of your body. It's just a matter of time. We are so attached to those goddamn things. If Elon Musk really falls through with his Neuralink thing and they cut a hole in people's head the size of a quarter and stick a bunch of wires into your brain, which is literally

what he said they were going to do, and you have some Bluetooth-enabled... Like, people worry about vaccines. Like, hello. But here's the thing. What he was saying is it's going to be a massive advantage for people that have it. You're going to have much more access to information. The bandwidth in which you process information will be much thicker and wider. You're gonna have a whole. And you will be able to remember her thoughts. Oh my God, so embarrassing twice?

Twice. One day. But you know what it is, it's like we're, because there's three of us, we all have shit to say. I'm so excited, everyone always thinks people are on Adderall or Coke on your show because it's like so exciting. It's such fun to talk to you.

It's just the irony, because you have three hours. Slow down, it's fine. I know, but it gets you the energy. It's fun. We're having a fun conversation. It's like, I got something to say. You don't know when you jump in. We're like puppies that get to play together.

Exactly. It could be the man coffee. It probably is. Let me do my Joey Diaz impression. Hey, Joe Rogan. I like that he calls you Joe Rogan. So if today someone said, schools can open up, clubs can open up, venues can open up, we can go back to normal if you wear this bracelet that tells me where you are at all times, where

you were last night, and who you hung out with. This is the problem with it. The same problem with shutting down the TikTok house. It's because, okay, you shut down a house that has 200 people. What if it gets down to five? What if they tell you you have to split your family up? What if you have 10 people in your house? You can't have

more than 10. What if you have 12? Grandma comes over. Can't come over. Who the fuck are they to tell you you can't have a party? You have mismanaged this crisis so horribly at every step of the way. And not just the city and not just the state, the federal government. And of course, the people that were releasing the information from Wuhan. That's the big step because they're the ones who fucked it up because there was a lot of

legit doctors and scientists that were in Wuhan, Chinese doctors, that were trying to get the word out and they were silenced. And the main one, the first one that did it actually wind up dying from the fucking disease. It's crazy. Right? So that's the biggest fuck up. But there's fuck ups every step of the way. And one of the biggest fuck ups that's happening right now is these people being

in a position of power and telling people that they can't work, telling people they can't do things. But you can protest. You saw the governors got shut down, right?

I did. I did see that. Tim Dillon was supposed to be there. Governors in Long Island, the comedy club. You can't have a person that just because they win

a popularity contest make new rules. You can't give them the power to make new rules because everybody becomes a fucking tyrant. That's what they're doing. All they're doing is protect people. You tell me how many fucking hospital beds you have.

You tell me what the death rate is. And then you tell me why this is the only state in the country that can't open a beauty salon. Beauty salons can't be open right now. Only California. They're crazy. It's a crazy state. And they opened them for a second and then took it away.

Maybe it's because we don't pay enough taxes. That's exactly what it is. Jesus Christ. The lift and the Uber shit. I never pay taxes. This is a tipping point. Is that bad? People are going to wake the fuck up.

No, it's fine. I said I never pay taxes. Is that bad? If you don't say it on a podcast, nobody knows. Let's just say on paper, me and Wesley Snipes have a lot in common. Dude, they don't fuck around. They find you. They find you.

No, I'm having my... Well, I'm not talking about this, actually. I'm fine. Everything's fine. Everything's fine. But the state is just... They're terrible at it. And the fact that they can shut down these TikTokers, we should be nervous.

Not because these TikTokers are geniuses. But it's because who the fuck are you to say you you can shut the power off wow you can shut someone's power off what isn't it funny that slippery slope they're taking their their ability to use their phone right they're like your phone's gonna die and then you're fucked they're shutting the lights off in the house that's what they're doing they're cutting off the water but if you do that you're saying that you have the ability to shut off essentials things that keep people alive water and power and you're saying that you have the ability to shut off essentials, things that keep people alive, water and power.

You're saying that you have the ability to tell them how they can live in this house. And there's no real law that says you can limit the amount of people that can go to a party. I don't think there is. I'll tell you where this does not happen. Texas. No. My mom

is from Texas. Yeah, you do not get to tell people from Texas what to fucking do. Except don't smoke weed. Yeah, except weed. What are we going to do about that? We'll figure it out. There's occupancy laws. I'm going to have the what? Occupancy laws and shit like that.

The amount of people that can be inside of a place. But you can't change them, can you? Can you make it a house? If a house normally has a party, like Dan Bilzerian's place. Like if you're in college and you have too many people at your house, they'll come and shut it down. Right, but that's the cops and that's not your house. You went to college, Jamie. They probably don't own the house either.

They're probably renting it. They don't have $10 million to buy those houses yet. If the people who own the house have some sort of a regulation, maybe I could see it. But if you, like Dan Bilzerian didn't own that house either. And the whole thing about that house, it would piss off the neighbors, was because he would just bus in people and they'd fill that place up and DJs and marshmallows there and shit. Everybody's going crazy. But they didn't shut his power off. So they're saying they have the ability to shut your power and water off because during

the pandemic, they can limit the amount of people in your house. So that's a new rule. Wow. Because if they were having these occupancy laws, Dan Bilzerian would have gotten shut down too. That's right. They're doing it because they're saying you could spread COVID this way

and it's irresponsible. The problem is the way that they're doing something new. They're shutting power off on someone's house that doesn't listen. They're shutting power off on someone who's having a party who doesn't obey.

But didn't they have COVID? And they're doing it for press to kind of let people know what's up it's like a threat and this is the same fucking guy that offered rewards for people who turn folks in remember the whole thing snitches get stitches well now snitches get rewards if people are social distancing if people are having parties and that was for small parties that's right remember that was for people having fucking barbecues. This shit is slippery. Do you think I'm gonna get shut

because I'm starting a stand-up show in my backyard just for comics. We're gonna do testing like what Chappelle's doing in Ohio. I'm gonna do it in my backyard

because it's just getting crazy. Am I gonna get shut down? I don't know. But you're gonna let everybody know where you live. It's basically gonna be like a bringer show. It's gonna be like comic

bring like two friends that you trust and know. So guys, if you join my Patreon, I'll do a raffle. We might shoot some shit. We might try to shoot some stuff. Like, why not? Why not?

I just wonder, what is the law? Like, see if we can find out if there's any written thing. How many people can I have? I don't know. Yeah. Like, what is the law now in LA? If these TikTokers have too many people. But they probably have a lot.

You're not gonna have that many. I'm gonna have like five comics. Because when I started started i think you should just be arrested if that's a law i think you should be fined or something i don't think you should be able to shut someone's fucking power i'd rather you just find me great all right bye yeah if like if these tiktokers like hey you guys are violating the law so here's a fine of 200 yeah this what what things make sense if you're fining someone. If you park in the wrong place, you can get fined. But there's a thing that they're doing that's weird.

They're shutting power off. Ordinance on loud or unruly gatherings, known as the Party House Ordinance. Hey, Dan Bilzerian, did it ever work on you? Officially took place August 15, 2018. They never use it on him. The ordinance claims to curb repeat offenders of out-of-control parties of residential neighborhoods with escalating fines and new enforcement from Los Angeles Police Department. I don't think that's connected, though.

This is 2018. Is that like a blanket statement? I don't think that's connected to the TikTok house. These are all 2018 stories. Dude, we were also in a heat wave. It was 107. You can't cut off someone's electricity in 107 feet of heat. Exactly.

It's wild. And we're assuming they're kids and they're allowed to be there. How long was that cut off for? Okay, here. Property owners who skirt building and safety rules or city laws, such as Los Angeles Party House Ordinance, which is the same law, right, are in violation of COVID-19 public health orders in the city's Party House Ordinance, which becomes the law in 2018.

So they're talking about that law. And it said it wasn't clear whether Garcetti's announcement was related to that motion. Okay, what? It feels like it's just a little ad hoc. It's still, exactly. They're making it up as they go along. It's still sneaky. I like it.

Under the proposal, penalties for large gatherings could include water and power shutoff, permit prohibitions, and having a certificate of occupancy held or revoked for large, close contact, largely maskless gatherings in violation of city emergency orders and county health orders. So the city emergency and the county health order, they make an order saying you can't have a large gathering, and if you do, they're going to do a new thing, which is shut your water and power off. When do they fucking ever do that unless you're a fugitive you have to have like a gun and you're

pointing it out the window we're always at risk of fires and now you're making people use candle light like that's not safe i've seen more flames i've seen these kids they don't shower anyway it's a slippery thing if you allow it i don't think it's complex i think it's stupid that these kids want to have these parties. And we were talking about Dr. Malkin and all these people that came to him that got sick from one of those parties. You can get sick for sure. It's a high likelihood

that people are going to die if they keep getting sick and they infect someone. It's like 0.04% of people who catch COVID die. That's what the current standings are. So it could lead to a death or two. It is possible. But I just don't think you should allow people to do that.

Did you see how Steve Bannon was busted by the mail? Did you know that the mail could make arrests? The Daily Mail? The mail. Like the mail. It was the Postal Service. They have like an arrest department. They have a Postal Service police?

That's who arrested Steve Bannon. Not for long. Listen, if girls are talking about politics, I have to pee so bad. I have to pee too. Can you guys keep going?

I'll pee. Okay, we're going to keep going. Look at this. Can you save us some? I want to sell it on my Patreon. Post office arrested Steve Bannon. Isn't that cool? Let's read it.

Look at his face. Look at that guy. He looks like Javier Bardem. I'm going to be Joseph Rogan. The U.S. Postal Service is out to deliver justice against former White House chief strategist Steve Bannon. It may not come as a shock that Bannon, often described as a grifter, was allegedly caught up in a scheme to defraud donors. Why would you use grifter as a word?

Yeah, they have fucking police. Isn't that crazy? I hate when they take tweets from people. This drives me nuts when journalists take tweets from people. I don't know who fucking this person is. And then they post their tweet as if it's real journalism. That's not journalism. And look, they only have 322 likes on the tweet.

It's not even a popular tweet. They're part and parcel of an elite police unit known as the U.S. Postal Inspection Service, USPIS, which has been fighting crime since the mail fraud. Probably you and your tax fraud. You're going to meet these people soon, Annie. You're going to know these people any minute. There's 1,200 postal inspectors who carry weapons, make arrests, execute federal search warrants, and serve subpoenas.

They've even inspired a CBS series, The Inspectors. Haven't heard of it. Didn't feel like it was that inspired. They made 5,759 arrests can you imagine since put your hands since 1872 that's not a lot of arrests that's very few have you ever been arrested uh no i got like you know when i was in high school we were bad but i never got arrested i got like the cop once we took a three-foot bong out into the alleyway to smoke for some reason in high school and then obviously the neighbors were like the kids are smoking a giant bong out into the alleyway to smoke for some reason in high school.

And then obviously the neighbors were like, the kids are smoking a giant bong in the thing. So the cops came in. I remember we were so high. We were like trying to hide behind the bong. It was like so tragic. But my one friend who had the weed on him got arrested, but I never got arrested. But do you still smoke weed out of bongs or just do joints? Um, sometimes I, I mean, I don't really smoke that much weed anymore.

I started again and now I'm remembering why I don't. The old early onset. I can't remember my phone number when I smoke weed. I want to be as alert as possible. I like to be able to pay attention and chime in and stuff. But, um, yeah, I'll smoke out of a bong sometimes. I think I was, uh, my throat was getting really fucked up from the vapes. Yeah. Oh, I don't, yeah, I don't,

I don't like vaping. I don't think it gets me high enough. Remember when we thought vapes were like healthier than cigarettes? Are they though? Remember when we were like

vapes are healthy? Oh, you're showing my Patreon? It's a big factor. I just saw a bong picture. I was vaping. Oh, I, look up, wait, okay. What'd you say?

Huh? What? Nothing, she asked if she smoked out of a bong. I'll show you, I did have a three foot bong. Andy, smoke you. I did have a three-foot bong. Andy, smoke weed and I want to tase you. I had a three-foot.

I mean, I'm a little bit interested in that. I do like attention. I like attention, but I also like not peeing myself. We're following David Blaine. The bar is high. What were we just talking about? I caught whatever you had. The Postal Service.

The Postal Service can arrest people. There's 1,200 people that can arrest people. They carry weapons. And they arrested him for fraud? Is that what it was? Fraud for raising money for that private border wall, right? Isn't that wild? It's all wild. What is this? CBD Kill Cliff.

Very good for you. Does this give you a little buzz at all or no? Just good for like pain and stuff? Yeah. 25 milligrams CBD. Oh, wow. I'm trying to find this picture. I have a picture. I had a three foot bong for a second. And for Mother's Day one year, I dressed it up like it was a boy. I put a hat on it.

And I was like sending my son to school. I put a little backpack on him. This is delicious. I fucking love Instagram, by the way. Good stuff, right? Killcliffe. Do you think that Instagram is going to be replaced by Reels? Well, Reels is Instagram.

Instagram, but I mean, it's like at one point, because now your algorithm, like you have to get a certain number of likes and comments in order to get an algorithm at all, right? Which is harder. And is Reels like more? It's like a TikTok on it. Instagram just robs. It's great. It's like what it did with Snapchat too.

Instagram did stories when Snapchat, you know, kind of went away, right? I haven't started doing the reels yet but I'm excited. I love having this outlet especially during this time where we can't do stand-up. I love Instagram

and a lot of comics just like promote or like put their dog in their books who read and the song they're listening to. What?

I love that. I love when you like see a movie and you post it. And break comedians and make them so successful. But I really love the making jokes on it. It's like my favorite.

Yeah, it's a great place to do it. It's a fun way to like just you post a picture and say something funny. It's a little writing exercise. It's also like journalists are so fucking lazy now. Like news is just Jennifer Lopez posted this thing on Instagram. They just take all their news and all their photos from Instagram now. Do you know how many stories get written just from shit we say on this podcast? Just use it and write a story.

It's crazy. Well, I'll see you when the internet, like Twitter will be up. You posted a picture with me and Owen Smith, I believe. And it was like one of the days you said one thing. I don't even remember what it was, but the internet had blown. And I could tell because I was tagged in the picture of you. So all these people were commenting. And I saw you later and it was not a different day for you in any way.

Did you not read it? I was like, I wonder if he, like, because it was just like, boom, boom, boom. I was getting all these notifications. It was just so funny that you didn't even. That's probably when I didn't like video games or something. Did you, I feel like you got, maybe it was like, I feel like two years ago you got like super famous like super super super famous. Did it feel like it was like two years ago. I always thought you were so famous.

I don't know what happened. You're always famous. You were famous but then you became a religion. Yeah. I think it's a cumulative thing if you just keep moving. Yeah. Keep putting out podcasts and people more and more people listen to them. And then too many people are listening to you.

And then it becomes this thing. And then it's like every word you say is but you have a responsibility. Also I'm a fucking moron which is a terrible thing. Like if people are getting advice from me, I don't even take my own advice a lot of times. Don't listen to me. But that's why you're fun to listen to and talk to is because you're like humble and you're

willing to entertain ideas that aren't yours and you're asked the right questions. I think it's so important that we're talking about before that you don't get married to your ideas. I've been married to my ideas before. It's gross. It's gross because then you defend them and you lie and you manipulate your words to try to make it seem like you're right when you're not right. I think it was in that same book we brought up so many times. You get dopamine when your confirmation bias, when someone agrees with a wrong idea that you say,

you get dopamine. I used to enjoy winning arguments like that. And now I want to, like honestly, when I have someone on the podcast that's saying something really ridiculous that I know is horseshit, I'm like, OK, this is my opportunity to just exercise this thing. And I want I'll just speak nice and slow. And like, why do you think that?

Like, what what is it? What's going on? Like, tell me how you make. And what about this? And I'll give them opposing ideas, but I won't be married to him. I'll say, well, that doesn't make any sense because this, but I'm not saying it in a mean way. I'm like, I'm trying to,

I try, like when someone's like, especially someone says something real, that they don't even really think through. They just, this is like a predetermined pattern of behavior, a conglomeration of ideas that I've adopted as this ideology and I'm going to push this forward no matter what. And those people are fascinating because when you talk to them,

they are fucking married to those ideas, and they don't even know them. They're married to strangers. They're married to strangers, and you're arguing with them about some shit they haven't thought through at all, and they um and they ah. I've had people fall apart, and it's so fascinating,

because look, I've been wrong a thousand times on this fucking podcast or more, but when there's a moment, if I know I'm wrong, I'll be like, ooh, okay, that's not right. And that's this specific podcast today. All the time. Everything you've said, I've been wrong.

But you are able to change your mind after getting new information. You have to. A lot of people just won't. That's how science is, right? Isn't science like that you're trying to prove yourself wrong? You're trying to like...

Yes. It's ego. But even in science, it's a real issue. When people come up with new scientific discoveries that other scientists didn't recognize, there's a lot of fucking blowback a lot of people get angry

scientists get pissy they get really egotistical it's super super disheartening when you take all of your information from like archaeologists but then one archaeologist will find some new discovery that like predates civilization like i've seen it with graham hancock i've seen it with graham hancock i've seen it with robert, who's this geologist from Boston University. He was talking to this archaeologist about these geological findings that show water erosion on the outside of the Sphinx that could have only taken place at 9,000 BC, which would predate all that Egyptian construction way earlier than they thought it was. And this guy's mocking him and laughing at him, a scientist, and instead of going, fascinating,

because this is his field of study. He's a fucking geologist, okay? And he's saying these watermarks can only be created by erosion. This is water erosion. This is not wind and sand. This is water. And he's saying, I'm a geologist.

I have sent these images, these cropped images, to other geologists. They've agreed with me. This guy's just mocking him. I'm like, oh my God, it's ego. He doesn't want to think that he's been teaching and writing books for all these years about how old the Sphinx is, how old the pyramids are.

And he's been wrong. And he doesn't want to know. You're like, oh no. So it exists in everything. Even in the people that we rely on the most for information. They're married to their ideas. He should have been fascinated. She'd have been like, wow, well, I have to revise my book.

Right. I know. And then you get a new book, dude. Yeah. Then you get this crazy new discovery that, oh, look, it looks like there's many eras of construction. Right. Because if you go deep, deep, deep into the sand, there's an older era.

Yeah. And it's a very distinctive era. They built things differently then. And then this era does, they do it this way. Yeah. They can get it narrowed down to these epochs. It's fucking fascinating.

But meanwhile, this guy's ego wouldn't let him see it. And you watch it and you go, wow. But you go, what civilization

was from 14,000 years ago? He's like, meanwhile, since then, they've found them. They've found actual civilization. Like, go Beckley Tepe.

That's 100% more than 12,000 years old. 100%, without a doubt, was filled in 12,000 years ago so the guy was wrong but meanwhile his ideas were his he clutched him like a baby was protecting from a storm yeah there's so much of that in medicine especially when there's new solutions and shit you know like I was reading about the board certification for veterinarians a lot of these veterinarians have to learn wrong information to pass this test to get board certified.

A lot of it that's already been debunked because it's like older veterinarians, something that was true 30 years ago, now has been debunked and they have to like learn all this archaic shit just to pass this arbitrary test. Well, remember the food chain? Remember when you were a kid they taught you, this is how to get cancer, This is how to get fat.

It was like eat five servings of bread a day, eat potatoes. Remember that pyramid? At the top there was a fish. It was like one piece of fish. That's right. And then one little piece of steak. The fact that we used to think that shit was good for us.

Well, then Atkins was like eat cream cheese and beef. And didn't he die of a heart attack? No. This is the thing. People always like to say this. Atkins fell on the eat cream cheese and beef. And didn't he die of a heart attack? No. This is the thing. People always like to say this. Atkins fell on the ice and broke his head. Well, because he was off balance from all that cream cheese. Brogan, you're wrong.

I remember I was taught when I was a kid, the healthiest thing you could eat was like a blueberry muffin. I know. Low fat. Low fat blueberry muffin. Listen, I've been eating a lot of blueberry muffins and they really do make you look like a blueberry muffin. I know. Low fat. Low fat blueberry muffin. Listen, I've been eating a lot of blueberry muffins and they really do make you look like a blueberry muffin. It's so weird.

I love your body, Annie. No, I like my, the problem with me is that it looks good at all weights, so it's hard to lose weight. But you also look like you're fucking strong as shit. I look fertile. You're like a, yeah, you look like a fucking brick house.

The opposite of Baron. Yeah. But the truth, no. Do you work out hard like are you i do i like to work out a lot yeah i do enjoy working out yeah does that was that ever a thing that like helped you when you were getting over booze it was like exercise yeah i started doing yoga because i was very detached to my femininity obviously i got into this job my feminine but my mom is like my mom's very like sportsy they can't use the word i want to say but um you know she so she was always very like let's just play sports no dolls all this stuff so i was had no attachment to and then with yoga i kind of got

really like girly in it and it helped me and the just the body weight stuff really helped yeah but now and i like doing jujitsu but i'm not fucking doing jujitsu during this shit, dude. Yeah. I'm not spitting in each other's mouths, dude. Well, you were doing it at no gi too,

which is, you know, you're in like fucking Lycra and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. It's really close contact. It's so sweaty and so gross. I know you can contract it through ball sweat.

I know for a fact. For sure. But you, it does improve your immune system. That's what's interesting. It was so fun though. It was the most fun. It's the most fun fun exercise you're doing math problems on people's bodies it's incredible that is what it's like yeah it's so cool but you know what i wanted to ask you i

can't get weights anywhere they don't sell weights anymore i know it's hard what do you mean can you get they you they're sold out of weights because everyone's in quarantine oh everyone's trying to get in shape isn't that nuts like because no gyms are open that's the other thing california all these gyms how many of these gyms are open. That's the other thing. California, all these gyms. How many of these gyms are going to stay open? Did you see those ridiculous ones? I'll get you some weights. Those pods where they had,

like, people were surrounded in, like, saran wrap pods working out. Yeah, it's so weird. Unzip. I'll get you some weights. Yeah, great. You tell me what I need.

I have some, too. You're no better than me. Okay. Are gyms ever going to be the same? Well, no. No, I think this is, first of all, it's going to, yeah, maybe,

but, like, three years from now it's gonna take a while for people to get over this shit also the online stuff i think that everything a lot of things can exist online and it sucks because it's harder with willpower i think like doing a yoga class on a zoom is very difficult and also for me like i like taking classes because i get competitive as shit and i want to beat the person next to me it's just part of my motivation whether it's healthy or not know, or like the instructor yelling at you or whatever, trying to like impress somebody or whatever the fuck, you know? Yeah.

Yeah. That's why the. You're not going to get that from Zoom. It's definitely, it's like Zoom comedy, right? Right. Like Mark Norman said, it was like methadone comedy. Fucking hell, dude. It's like, I want the real fix.

It's also because it's like we have worked our whole lives to, you know, get precise timing and like a two second delay changes fucking everything. Yeah. You know? I want the real fix. It's also because it's like we have worked our whole lives to get precise timing. And a two-second delay changes fucking everything. It's like second by second. I was doing comedy out of the window at the store. And it was like you couldn't have it at the same time. And they ended up not being able to do it because of regulation stuff. But they had to have a 10-second delay.

And it was... Well, i was doing like a podcast with eleanor kerrigan my fucking angel and um we were like joking and stuff but that delay so i would say something that i was like this is gonna fucking land right and then so she'd be talking i'd be half listening to her and looking at waiting 10 seconds like one mississippi two minutes and then i'd look and it would bomb and like fuck like, fuck. It wasn't good. It's amazing how we're so conditioned to have that immediate gratification that like, clap. And then just even on Zoom, like doing like talk shows or Zoom podcasts, which I really do not like doing. Just that one second fucks up the flow and the chemistry of everything. It's also there's an energy that people have when they're in the room with you.

That's right. Like that's one of the things that comedy does that people don't talk about. It's like a hypnosis thing going on. There's a sharing of energy, the laughs, or you're physically feeling them. You're not gonna get that. It's a symbiotic relationship. It's like we do need each other.

100%. And also the energy that the audience gets from each other, being shoulder to shoulder with another person, that contagious, and also the home court advantage of you're in my fucking house, not you're in your bed, snuggled up, cozy, with a pillow. That's what I try to explain to someone. With other options, by the way, where you could just be looking at something else at

any time. I try to explain to non-comics that if you watch a comedy special, like someone's comedy special, that's maybe 70% as good as seeing them live. Oh, yes. Very rarely translates. First of all, it's tough because filming a special is like kind of tense. So you're not loose. And when you're loose, you're funny. So it's hard for people to be loose.

And then it's also weird because the fucking not being in the room thing is like 30 or 40 percent. It's like this feeling that you get when you're there, when you're like, you're going to see someone live. You're there. You're having fun. It's all happening. It's right now. Hi. Yeah.

It's right there. But when you're watching it at home, you're just sitting back and you're alone. I always try to cut out a lot of applause breaks and stuff on specials because at home you're just not. Yeah, she cuts out the applause breaks. All the standing ovations just got a bit much. No, but I just mean like when they're there, they're going to laugh a little longer at home.

They're like, ha ha, now move on. You know what I mean? You don't want to hear that, like have them have to hear other people laugh. like, now move on. You know what I mean? You don't want to have them have to hear other people laugh. I always add some in. That is weird. I have heard that before. Like a laugh track?

Maria Bamford did a special for just her parents in her living room. We could start shooting specials for small crowds. She's hilarious. She's so funny. That sounds like something she would do too. That's very funny. She did stand-up just for her parents on the couch in their living room. That's so funny.

What a great idea. I like what a uniquely herself person she is. It's just my favorite thing in people. Everybody tried COVID comedy a while ago. What was the comics name that put that special out on HBO with no audience at all? Oh, I know who you're talking about. Drod directed it. Oh, no, no, I know.

What's that? Drew Michael. Drew Michael. Drew Michael. Yeah, Drew Michael did a special with no audience. And we're like, it was weird.

It was weird. But it was like, he took a swing. I always appreciate a swing. I always appreciate a swing. I always appreciate it. Hey, why? I mean, because it's a different thing, right? There used to be like live performances that weren't really stand up.

Like, do you remember Eric Boghossian? Yes. Yeah. He used to do these live performances that were they were not really stand up. There were these things, you know, there were these stories you would tell. Right. Yeah.

Remember that? Yeah. I remember that. Do you remember there was this guy, Josh Fadum. Did you ever know him? Yes.

He's so funny. He's this wild dude. He would do crazy shit. Like he would go on stage and just like run in place and it was like so weird and like not funny and then he would just

like keep doing it and like people would start walking out and then he would just like keep running in place and then by three minutes in you it and people would start walking out and then he would just keep running in place and then by three minutes in you're dying laughing and you have no idea why.

Yeah, he'll do a thing where he accidentally fucks up the mic and it falls apart and he's like, but it's so funny. He gets tangled up in it and it's like,

you want to hate, honestly, as a comic, I'm looking at your face, you want to hate it. But it's so, it's charmingly funny. It's just some weird, like, thought exercise or performance art or something. Reggie Watts, too, like, he learned how to make sounds funny.

Do you know what I mean? Reggie can do so many different things. The thing about Reggie is he's like. Josh Fadum's big moment was the 10-second clip. It looked like there was a shooting at a fucking comedy club. That was the worst video I've ever seen You couldn't even see them What kind of lights are they? Josh you had a shot and Jamie really blew it for you

That and Mitzi Short's sex dungeon? What was that video? The darkness of the stage is confusing Did you like how dark the main room got? Do you remember what I'm talking about when they just the week before Then they put those like lights up

those like crazy LED lights. Yeah. I think I liked it. I was getting used to it. It looked the pictures looked beautiful that Troy was taking. When do you guys think

it comes back? We're all guessing like everything we're talking about. I had booked the La Jolla Comedy Store for two weeks and shut down.

I think it's going to be six months to a year full year i just moved my tour to fall 2021 theaters if someone can figure out the ventilation system if there's some i don't know why this we're not figuring this out well if someone comes up with a rapid test that's gonna fix everything that's right that's right rapid test you test someone as they're walking in it's a long ass line line's going to take a lot longer than it will normally but you could have holding rooms right you know it would be amazing you could have you would completely get rid of the virus if you could do that like how long is it going to take for our emotional trauma to heal of like remember the days when you would just be in a comedy club and a waitress in the dark would hand you a drink with a straw

and you just put it right in your mouth. Everything's going to be different. Our whole earth is going to be different. I mean, imagine just taking a drink from a girl at a bar and putting it in your mouth. Fauci was saying that we're not going to be able to shake hands anymore. We're not going to be able to date rape drug people anymore. It's like so upsetting. You can't slip me the drug anymore. I mean, it's like, what is this doing to our brains just in terms of like.

It's making us go closer and closer to virtual reality. Yeah. For sure. But don't you think it's like an ego death? I feel like we've all been forced into this epic dose of mushrooms that we didn't mean to take. And it's like everyone has to face their mortality, which I think is all we're doing all day anyway. Yeah.

But it's now it's like, oh, we're watching death. There's the death of being entertained. There's the death of going out. there's the death of meeting people, the death of shaking hands, the death of actual people. And I think it was Tim Dillon and I were talking about how 9-11, everyone's comparing this to 9-11 in some ways and the fact that it's just like a trauma, but 9-11 brought us together.

There was this like, let's go out until 2 in the morning, they're not going to fucking win, and everyone was instantly friends with each other. And now everyone's instant enemies with each other. I walked down the street and people were like, where the fuck put your pull your fucking mask. The mask stuff is so funny. People are so crazy.

The mask stuff is crazy. Their default is fuck you. It's like outside in the sun. Like, hey, man, it's not even possible. You don't even know what this is. Dude, there was a guy. I went to Venice Beach and there was a guy in a wheelchair who and I used to work with kids with special needs.

So I always like to make eye contact, say hello to people in wheelchairs. Don't blow past the one sentence that makes you the most likable. Oh, I was a special ed, whatever. No big deal. I'm a hero. Gave it up to tell dick jokes, to do God's work. But so I always like to acknowledge because there's such, people don't want to be rude. So they don't want to stare.

And then they're never looked at. They're never talked about. That's why I'm always like, do jokes about people in wheelchairs. Like, make them a part of things. Right, because if they're equal, you'll joke about them. Of course, yeah. It's like, there's no punching down. Like, shut the fuck up.

But so I was doing my little like, aren't I a good citizen? Like, eye contact with this guy, and he goes, we're a fucking mascot! And I was like, oh, okay. All right. And it was because I gave him the eye contact. It was so funny. I was like, it was one of my vlog days, my new vlog, only on Patreon. And it was like, I just turned the thing off because I didn't want to focus on, I didn't

want to be like, I'm videotaping a guy in a wheelchair, but it literally was the funniest thing that's ever happened. It's amazing that cunt is the most offensive word, but if someone calls me a cunt, it's so funny. I'm likeotaping a guy in a wheelchair, but it literally would have been the funniest thing that's ever happened. It's amazing that cunt is the most offensive word, but if someone calls me a cunt, it's so funny. I'm like, dang it. It's so funny.

Like, we need a new word because if a guy calls me a cunt, like, I'll start laughing. I think it still works on enough women, though. There's not enough herd immunity.

We need herd immunity for cunts. We do. I know. I've got the antibodies because I've been in comedy. I've got the antibodies for it. If a guy calls you a cunt, like,

it's just so funny to me. That's what we were saying the other night. Someone said cunt and both of us were like, Dad? Papa? Where are you? It's such a good word. It's so good.

It's short. It's cutting. It's got a T at the end of it. I still like bitch. Bitch is still pretty good for me. If someone calls me a bitch, I'm like, damn. Bitch is softer than cunt, though.

Yeah, for sure. Just as a sound. The thing about cunt is the sound. The a sound the thing is like the the thing about cunt is the sound that it's sharp it's razor sharp calling a guy a cunt is always like oh yeah he's such a cunt like i love that word i use it 90 percent of the time for men yeah man yeah i call that men cunts yeah but if a guy calls me a bitch there's something so 90s about it there's something so retro about it you know you go to england and australia though they toss it around like a beach ball that's what's weird and then bitch is their cunt right i don't know what is their cunt fanny is they don't they don't use it

that much for girls though they use it for each other yeah it's a term of endearment yeah it's a jokey term like hey what's up fucker yeah like they hey man what's up cunt he's a good cunt like he's a good cunt that's a normal thing for them to say so it feels like are you fucking cunt they come over here and they you know they realize like oh jesus i gotta remap my my language yeah because cunt is like a different thing over here it's dangerous the one that gets me is fuck face i can't think of one that gets me i can't there is one but i can't think of fuck face. I can't think of one that gets me. There is one, but I can't think of. Fuck face you can get away with too.

But it's got so much power. Fuck face. Fuck face. The thing that throws me actually is when other women call me hooker or whore. When a girl's like, hey whore,

I'm like, Jesus. That always disorganizes me. Well, what if it's your friend? So it's like, hey hooker, hey slut. Girls have been doing that for a while. They're calling each other hooker. Well, sometimes I'll be like, you's your friend? So it's like, hey hooker, hey slut. Girls have been doing that for a while. They're calling each other hooker.

Well, sometimes I'll be like, you're a slut. Sometimes it's like, wow, you are a fucking slut. Yeah, but you're doing it to be funny. You're doing it to be funny. We're saying guys can't call us this. Whitney, if you don't want that anymore, close your legs. You've been shitting like a whore the whole time.

Are you being a boy or a whore? These chairs, I think they was like ergonomic chairs. I think they're to give birth in or something. I don't know what's happening. They're very good for your back. Is this a Sibian? What's happening? These chairs are the best.

Yeah, I feel like I get out of here and my posture is always like so much better. So I think we came to a serious conclusion that you guys need your own show. Like legitimately. Okay. What are we going to do here? I think you legitimately need to do it. Can we have the sauna too and everything? Just have it. And what are we gonna do here i think you legitimately need to do it can we have the sauna too and everything just have it what are we gonna do are we gonna take calls or give advice or what i say yeah maybe we trauma bond when someone calls in and we trauma

bond with them you guys need like a neon sign behind you i want a neon sign that says annie fucking letterman so bad behind me on my podcast i want it so bad we can call it the annie letterman podcast i do want to make you famous. If anybody wants to buy me that neon, pay for my eggs to get frozen, lend me a million dollars. I'll pay to freeze your eggs or you can have my frozen eggs.

But then you guys can name it. How much does it cost to freeze your eggs? 20 grand. Wow, that's pretty cheap. That's crazy. That's cheap to you? To freeze eggs? You guys are so cool.

My friends are so rich. To freeze eggs? Yeah. I thought it would be I thought it was like a really prohibitively expensive if it's a boy you can name it

and if it's a girl you can name it nice okay alright I'm gonna name it Butch if it's a girl

it will be I'm gonna name it Cunt Annie's Little Frozen Cunts Annie's Little Frozen Cunts that should be the name of your next special oh my god

you do a special about getting your eggs frozen the name of it Fisty do you want kids? maybe yeah you should have a kid

maybe I feel like I'd be a really I think I went through so much I think I'd be a really good mom my nieces are like my fucking favorite my nephews too

I love them so much I don't want to say I don't but I talk to my nieces and nephews every day I love them my nieces ate we just started becoming pen pals I have this video it came I love them so much I don't want to say I don't but I talk to my nieces and nephews every day I love them my niece is eight we've been

we just started becoming pen pals I have this video of her being it came the letter it came it's like so cute now that the mail

is going to be cancelled well they don't I know just when we became yeah that's adorable and my little niece who's four

she oh my oh my god my eight year old sent me I gave her a snow globe of Hollywood and I was like

whenever you miss me they're in Boston I'm like whenever you miss me just think about and so she sent me it was four years ago I sent it to her and she sent me. I gave her a snow globe of Hollywood. And I was like, whenever you miss me, they're in Boston. I'm like, whenever you miss me, just think about. And so she sent me. It was four years ago I sent it to her. And she sent me a picture of the snow globe. And she goes, I think about you all the time, auntie. I miss you so much.

It's like, I'm going to get those rapid tests. There is something that happens. That biological clock shit's real. I look at babies and I'm like, I want to fucking put that baby in my mouth. I also look at that. Sorry. Not in this climate, Whitney. Not with our peers.

I have like a compulsion for when I see babies. I just want to squeeze them. I just want to squeeze them. Yes. I just, I don't want to miss out on like the experience. Like we are on this earth to have kids. Yeah. I don't, it doesn't look that fun to me.

Women's only purpose is to bear children, Annie. You know this. But it does, it doesn't look that fun to me women's only purpose is to bear children Annie you know this it doesn't look that fun my friends seem very happy and tired but it does seem like a lot but I just when I look at my so I have two brothers my twin brother has two girls and my older brother has two boys so I'll have a hermaphrodite

but it's like a perfect they're so perfect they're so cute I see other people's kids and I'm like, I want that kid. I love them. I want school to be back in session. I think I would be. I really do.

I think it took a while. You'd be a lot of fun. You'd be a fun mom. I do have a compulsion to adopt, though. I don't know. I rescue animals so much that it's sort of like, is that kind of like getting your kid from a breeder? Getting your kid from a breeder.

That's ridiculous. Shouldn't I adopt a kid, too? getting your kid from a breeder. Getting your kid from a breeder. That's ridiculous. Shouldn't I adopt a kid too? Wait, did you see that Sia, the singer, adopted like 18 and 19 year old, two black guys? Okay. Like she adopted, I don't know how you adopt a grown man.

She just did. I thought, I didn't know you could adopt people that were over 18. Maybe they got some weird thing they're doing. I'm like, if they're not, that's weird. How old is she? She's like 40-something, I think. Every guy you've ever dated has basically been an adoption. I know. You pay for them,

you take care of them. I like my men like I like my dogs. How many comedians do you think you've dated? Um, like three. Isn't it weird that I haven't dated any comedians? No, it's smart. Thank you. I honestly, and I think I'm done with like, I'm like, I think I went through all the ones. I dated one ever when I was

open mic-er and I was like, oh, she's like me. But it is fun. We can't do this. It's constant bits. It is fun. It's really fun. Is there a little bit of a like who's bit is that as mine? No. Like when you're in a fight? I guess you could if you were like, if you like sort of

workshopped a bit together yeah can I have that or if you take it I'm gonna tell people you raped me sorry there's a weird relationship though when a woman comic and a male

comic get together and then one of them is writing the other one's jokes you can tell and you're like oh that's her writing yeah that's his writing yeah and I'm the worst because

if I write a joke for someone they're a hybrid if I write a joke for someone and I'm in the back of the room and someone's doing the bit and it gets the biggest laugh, obviously, because that really does happen because I'm so good. You're a great joke writer. No, but I cannot help but go, I fucking wrote that. I know it's so shitty, but I'm like, I fucking wrote that.

Snitches get stitches. I'm like, I'm so sorry. Gavin Newsom, do I get money if I rat out that I wrote that joke? It's Garcetti is the one who wants to give you money. Garcetti. But have you ever dated a comedian? I think if I was dating a comic and I saw them do poorly, I wouldn't be able to fuck them again. That would be rough.

That would be rough. If I don't respect someone, I have a hard time. Well, I wouldn't like, yeah. You can't like openly date somebody you don't respect. But if you're dating a girl and she's a comic and she sucks, that is going to be rough too for a guy as well. Right. And then all of a sudden she gets real good.

Then she passes you using your jokes. That would be rough. I don't know. It is. It's a fun experience. Like I do remember that, but you can also do that in just friendships with comics. But I just have so many people I call about jokes.

It's so fun. But for me, I had some Darwinian instinct to be like, do not piss where you eat. Do not toxify this environment. This is the only place you feel safe, this is the only place that you can do that. That's like why any of these guys,

if they ever DM me, I'm always like, ew. I think some girls, though, they feel like no one gets them but comics, and that's why you see girl comics wind up with male comics. Because for a woman to be the funny one, I think there's a lot of guys that are intimidated by that. If a guy was a regular guy with a regular job

and he's dating a funny comic who's going on stage murdering at the comedy store in the main room, that's hard. But there's plenty of guys that don't feel that way. The ones who wear ball gags. Wow, you really know how far up that ball gag goes,

Joe and I. We do have to wear strap-ons. It's a different kind of person, but there's a lot of guys who can't. For sure, everybody's different, but there are a lot of guys who have a problem with the woman being the funny one. This happens a lot, where a guy

who has nothing to do with comedy is really into you, and you're like, oh great, like a man. And then they see you do stand-up. No, they do with comedy is like really into you and you're like oh great like a man and then they go no no no they've seen you do stand up and they're like into it

and then they go you know I always kind of wanted to get into comedy and you're like get out of my house forever get out of this car I'm living in get out of this car

I'm living in I've had that happen so many times so they're only dating you because they wanted to get into comedy and you're established or maybe it's both

you know Kurt told me this because I used to always into comedy and you're established. Or maybe it's both. You know, Kurt told me this because I used to always feel like if someone hit on me, they didn't think I was funny or something. And he's like, they could be hitting on you because they like that you're funny. But here's the difference between men and women right here and there. Because if there was a guy and he's dating a girl and she's like, you know, I always thought about doing comedy. Guy would be like, you should. They'd be so stupid.

They wouldn't even realize the girl's fucking them just to get into comedy. They would have no idea. They'd be like, yeah, you should do it, you're funny. Yeah, go for it. As long as the girl lets the guy fuck her, he's going to be like, yeah, get into comedy. I'll help you write jokes. It's not even like saying, I don't want you to be a comedian. It's just saying, I don't want to date an

open-miker. Of course. So you're going to start, you're going to humiliate me by being the worst comedian in the room? This is the difference between men and women. If a girl's hot, a guy will still fuck her, even if she's an open--er. Of course. So you're going to start, you're going to humiliate me by being the worst comedian in the room? This is the difference between men and women. If a girl's hot, a guy will still fuck her even if she's an open mic-er.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll take her to the show. Yeah, I mean. If you're some dude who's like a headliner on the road and you're doing theaters and you've got this

really pretty girlfriend who all of a sudden wants to be a comic, you're like, eh, why not? And I think I've fucked myself a couple times because I always felt like,

okay, don't emasculate this guy, laugh at his jokes. So I would laugh at his jokes that weren't funny and then he'd be like, okay, don't emasculate this guy. Laugh at his jokes. So I would laugh at his jokes that weren't funny. And then he'd be like, well, if she thinks I'm funny, I must be hilarious. I'm too on the spectrum. Then he'd want to start doing stand-up. I'm too on the spectrum to do that. I have a lot of trouble fake laughing.

Really? I'm like, my face is like, I like look at them. I remember Tony once being like, I see what you're doing. You're not laughing. And I was like, Tony, it just was like too punny in this moment. And I just like can't fake laugh. Not that Tony's not the fucking funny. He's the emperor of puns.

No one has better puns than Tony Hinchcuff. Over this quarantine, I've gotten so close with Tony. I get him. I love him. He's awesome. I accept his craziness. I remember before, I remember when Tony, didn't he go vegan? He was vegan and then he started eating meat. I remember when Tony didn't he go vegan?

Isn't he vegan now or something? He was vegan and then he started eating meat. I remember when he was in bad shape. I remember when he was a door guy and he was a mess and I used to yell at him to stop smoking cigarettes. He thought that being vegan was going to help him help his health. He lost a lot of weight.

He doesn't need to lose weight. He's such a thin guy. He's got a crazy metabolism. He can eat everything. It just burns like it was, yeah, but he doesn't need to lose weight. He's such a thin guy. Yeah, he's tiny. He's got a crazy metabolism. Like, he can eat everything. And just burns off them. Wow. He's going to be so happy we're talking about him. I love that dude.

He knows I love him, though. Hey, man, do you know who Mitch Burrows is? He's at the Comedy Store, too. He's so funny. He's a door guy. He's so funny, though. He's one of the guys that, like, that's his way into the Comedy Store.

Well, we were talking about that when we were doing the documentary, too. It's one of the coolest things about the store is that everybody gets treated like a comic the door people the people that work the cover booth it doesn't matter if you're if you're a comic you're a comic yeah and we a lot of us like whether it's duncan or ari or so many of these people started out as door people so many guys so many guys and i think the common denominator in the comic store comics is these are people that want it at all fucking costs. People are like, you're a comic store comic,

that place is toxic. It's like, you're throwing shit around like that. I spent from 5pm to 2 in the morning every night for like four years. It's sort of like the amount of time we put in. It's not toxic. It's so fun. It's not toxic. It's a wild place.

And sometimes weird shit happens there. And sometimes, you know, it's annoying. And sometimes people bomb. And sometimes people feel like they bombed because the person before them was too gross or too this or too that. There's a lot. Look, it's a fucking dangerous place. Like, I've had shitty sets.

It's a nightclub. Like, one of, when, you remember when there was all of a sudden a wave of white female comedians in the middle of Black Lives Matter going like, oh wait, we're victims of being treated badly by male comics. It was just like,

we don't want to post about Black Lives Matter anymore. It's embarrassing. It's making us uncomfortable. White women couldn't let black people have spotlight. We're the victims again. So one girl had written something where she was like, I have to have male comics walk me to my car at the end of the night.

And it's like, okay, wait, so they're nice enough to walk to. You're saying the night. It's not comedy that's dangerous. The nighttime is dangerous. Darkness is dangerous. Clubs. Nightclubs where people drink is dangerous. But, I mean, I would not want to be a woman.

I would not want to be someone who wants to fuck all the time. It's not bad. And you're walking by like. If you have personalities like us, no one wants to fuck you. No, they run from you. We've inoculated ourselves. People rue the day they molested me. I'll tell you that.

Don't you worry. We do a great job of repelling that. I think it's harder. I think it's harder. I mean, there's some aspects of being a man I'm sure that are probably more difficult. But I think overall, the physical vulnerability part is huge yeah it's definitely huge in a confidence business right because the thing about stand-up is a lot of it it's a confidence business yeah well i definitely started wanting to become a weapon like i was like when i started doing jiu-jitsu and stuff i was like this

is how it's supposed to be like and i remember during the me too movement and stuff i was always like there's something missing here where it's like a conversation with young girls about learning to stand up for yourselves and be strong. And it's not, you would get called victim shaming and it's like no, it's about, you have no control over the outside world so protect yourself as much as you can. When I was a blackout drunk I was literally,

I was my own bodyguard leaving to go to the bathroom for fucking six hours and my body's just there. It's like you need's just there it's like you need like to me it's like becoming the strongest i can be whether i'm a woman or a man and like being able to because tate years ago was like if i was a woman i'd want to be the strongest woman in the world i was like tate i just want to be hot like what are you talking about i'm trying to get a six pack to be cute but now i get it i got to that age where i went oh yeah like i want to be able to fuck people up if they come at me. And also, I think it's like just getting your intuition on point. You know,

it's like that Gavin DeBecker book, that gift of fear. I read that and it changed my life because it was like, I think when you're told for so long, I think the part that gets tricky is that insidious like people telling you you're crazy, you're psycho, you're too emotional, you're too sensitive, like calm down, relax. Hearing that for so long, my programming was the most fucked up thing because when I did actually feel someone being dangerous, I would override my intuition. I'm just being dramatic or I'm just being crazy. I don't want to accuse this person of something.

I got into trouble that way. In that book, he talks about all the women that he interviewed that had either been attacked or assaulted. They always said, I knew something was fucking off about that guy. They knew it. Even though he was helping them with their groceries or opening the door for them, they were like, my body knew there was fucking off about that guy. They knew it. Even though he was helping them with their groceries or opening the door for them.

They were like, my body knew there was something off about that guy. I think there's something really dangerous about having a very limited amount of experience with crazy people or with dangerous people. Because you don't know real violent people or real dangerous people. You haven't been around them. And so you don't know that you could just run into them. You could take a wrong turn on 4th Street and all of a sudden there's a violent crazy person and you don't know what they're like you don't know to get away and you want to be nice like you don't like there's this instinct to be nice i don't know if it's taught to us or whatever but it's like

you want you don't want to be rude to someone you don't want to be an asshole but it's like it doesn't like what i want like what i'm so glad i learned and what i would want to impart upon my nieces and even my nephews it's like your safety and your and it doesn't even what I want, like what I'm so glad I learned and what I would want to impart upon my nieces and even my nephews. It's like your safety and your and it doesn't even have to be physical safety, your emotional safety. You're like what you want is the most important thing for you. So that's why boundaries aren't bad. You know, it's just like set them up and like. But for me, like when we go through the comics or anyone who's ostensibly crazy, I'm usually not scared of those people. The people advertising they're crazy.

Those are the people you have to worry about. It's the quiet person in the corner you're not hearing anything from. Well, a lot of times it's guys' friends, right? There's a guy who's cool

but then he's got a friend who's fucked up and he doesn't know his friend's fucked up. Yeah. And you're around this person all the time and they're slowly

getting closer and closer to you. Look, men can be fucking really scary. I've met a lot of men that are scary human beings and capable of violence like real skill like when you hear about someone murdering somebody you knew that person who murdered somebody that's a tricky feeling can you like what but that's why building up your own shit is so important because you can't control a crazy person outside of you so like all these things where it's like men need to stop. It's like yes, of

course, but also how do we protect ourselves? How do we? It's not men though. It's those men. Those men. It's the particular people that are doing these awful things to people. The particular murderers or rapists or thieves. It's like we have a real problem with lumping people into groups. We really do. But we are so

disconnected from our intuition because I'll have it sometimes like a woman will come up to me at a meet and greet and i'm like i have a weird feeling about this person i can't tell you why i can't articulate it i know ostensibly the person seems really nice i have a weird feeling about this i need this person to to go you know whereas other people are grabbing me and shaking me and i feel fine right but this person like just being able to like never fucking know you never know but we can't look at each other as groups because we're going to have blind spots. You're going to have these believe all women blind spots or believe all men blind spots. Those are bad.

Yeah. They're bad. And some people just fixate on you, get obsessed through social media. There was a girl that was like a runner up on American Idol. She was doing a meet and greet and someone just walked up and shot her. Oh yeah. It was a crazy person who thought they knew her. I had someone.

I had a security issue with someone who thought they were emailing with me for four months. They thought we had a relationship. And when you're in that kind of situation... I'm sorry about that. I wanted to be you. I swore it was a different Whitney. But then everything you're posting on social media feeds into their idea that they think you're talking to them.

There's a lot of fucking schizophrenics out there. Yeah, there's a lot of really sick people out there. Like 1% of people in this country are schizophrenic. Yeah. I think that's the right number. See if that's the right number. I mean. Is what percentage of people, what would you guess?

What percentage of people are schizophrenic? Schizophrenic. I mean, it's sort of like. Diagnosed out. I love these guessing games. These are the kind of people, I know, these are the kind of people that are like going out of their way to get evaluated. Yeah, well.

Yeah, right. There's probably more than that. Yeah, I was going to say it's probably going to be a little bit more than whatever it would be. What would you think it would be, Annie? Two percent? I don't fucking know. You should. So much of this stuff.

We're talking about you. This has been a long intervention, this whole fucking show. Are you talking to me or are you talking to me? Underdiagnosed. Or me. So much of this shit is so underdiagnosed, though, right? One percent? Two percent?

Yeah. It says estimated 1.1%. And these are just the people that have gone in for medical attention. 40% have been gone untreated. I need a Jamie. We all need a Jamie. The 1.1%, they roughly estimate, they add in 40% of their untreated. And that's just the lineup at the comedy store.

Wow. That's 100%. I gotta tell you, I have bought a lot of shirts from Boone. I will say that. I love Boone. I buy so many shirts he's been around a long time I was so happy to see

that he wasn't cause I was you get scared about people like that he's like older weirdos where you're like where do you live with nothing to lose

yeah your like job is to hand people shirts where I don't even know where you got them from but I saw him and I was so happy

he's a walking flea market I was like one of my crazies is still here. Listen, kids, let's wrap this up. We're at more than three hours in. I'm going to get a UTI. I have to pee so bad. My water's about to break.

I think you guys agree, right? You should do a show together. You guys have epic chemistry. It would be the best show. I'm down. And these two chicks shows are so hot right now. Hot, hot, hot. I don't like you saying that right now.

Like we're some sort of trends. Two cunty chicks. Two chicks. Both have problems. Wait, no, you have to be my Jamie though. Trauma bonding. Off camera. Okay, yes.

How often is it that you see female comics getting along publicly and supporting each other? I have like my girl, that's this thing, when they make it like this Oprah I'm every woman shit, it's like, no, no, no, I'm not friends with all female comics just because we're automatically female comics but i have little esther i talked to every day i talked to you all the fucking time bonnie mcfarland i talk like this is not a conceptual relationship those are all funny people that's what you have in common little esther's hilarious bonnie mcfarland's hilarious these are funny comedians

so funny and they're so it's just so so funny. And we don't feel competitive. I mean, there's a lot of like pitting each other against each other and competitive shit that's just like so fucking exhausting.

I have no interest in that. But don't you think what we were talking about at the comedy store the other night really does hold true that this is the least competitive era

of any era of comedy and the most supportive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're entrepreneurs. Right, but we support each other because of the internet because there's not a limited amount of slots.

Like this is the thing that we were talking about with Jay Leno. Back in his day, there was only one host of The Tonight Show. That's right. And everybody wanted that spot. When Johnny Carson left, there was a lot of people that wanted that spot. Well, there was one, then there was another, then it went back to that one. But there's also, you've shown us that helping other comics helps you.

Yeah, it helps everybody. There's plenty of pieces of pie. That's why we love Papa. We love Papa. I love you guys. It's like, you should be such a piece you guys. You're so, it's like, you should be such a piece of shit. You have so much money.

How are you not a monster? You're so cool. It's like so fucking crazy. I think we should say really quick, like I do think it's important to say, like as we go into this like next chapter of like Joe Rogan, that a lot of people I think, I think a lot of people assume that like

if someone's on your podcast, that means they're famous. Like you've had a lot of, you have made a lot of comedians lives by having them come on this podcast. It's going to make me cry. I'm happy to do it. I love to do it. You've probably saved people's lives letting them come on this podcast.

I moved out of my car. Annie would be dead if it wasn't for you. She would be sucking a dick on the side of the road. I moved out of my car, but it is because they came to repossess it. She'd be fucking some guy in a wheelchair down in Venice. But, I mean, truly, I think a lot of people don't necessarily understand because this gets so many millions of views that like a lot of comics you've had on here are like truly homeless.

And he's, by the way, he's uncomfortable with this, which is because you're cool. You have truly given people careers. You have given people their lives, their sanity, their following. I mean, it's really, it's a big deal. It's a big deal. It just made sense. It didn't seem like anything I ever had to think family. It's a big deal. It's a big deal. It just made sense. It didn't seem like anything I ever had to think about. I just wanted to help

and I knew I could help. So I just take funny people and put them on. And you still do it. I still do. Allie was on last week. Oh my god. I love Allie. She was awesome. So now everybody knows how funny she is. That's what we're all supposed to do. We used to wait for a Tonight Show or we would wait for an HBO special. That's what we used to wait for. We don't have wait for a Tonight Show or we would wait for an HBO special.

That's what we used to wait for. We don't have to do that anymore. We help each other. And it helps me too because then people trust me more. They're like, oh, he knows funny people. These people he gets on are funny. I'm not trying to give you a bad show. If I have someone on, it's because they're cool.

It's because they're interesting. But it's like so many comedians get really famous and successful and stop hanging out with other comedians or stop helping other comedians. We see it a lot. Yeah, because everybody gets, this is what it is. Because I'll tell you

because I felt it myself, but I just realized what it was and I stopped the thought process. You get scared because you have so much. You're like, oh my God, it's so much. Everything's so much.

Like, I want to keep this going in. I want to keep this gravy train rolling. I'm going to stop saying fucked up things. Maybe I'll stop doing podcasts of comics and just concentrate on scientists. You could really start thinking like that. And I know people that have done it and a lot of famous comedians, they get to a certain point, they don't want to take any chances anymore. So they don't take chances with their material.

The things that got them to the dance, now they're avoiding. Now they want to play it safer. They want to slow it down a little bit. It's just not good for you. And i saw it though i felt it i felt it as the podcast started ramping up more like hmm but you just gotta do it you just gotta keep doing it the way to do it is you get high you get drunk sometimes you talk shit you have fun snort some k you talk to scientists you talk to you know really interesting people that are authors and adventurers. You just do what you did.

So that's all I'm doing. But to be able to help comics is probably the best part of it for me. It's really cool. Because I love watching it happen. I love watching people have a career. Because I know they can. All of us that are good, you get to a certain point where you're making people laugh and you're good if you're dedicated to it. You can have a career.

You just need to somehow or another be like not even mentor. Just someone opens the door for you. Someone says, come on in. Let's show everybody how cool you are. And you also pioneered a sort of career and an art form that a lot of people wouldn't have known to do that have given them their livelihood. A lot of comedians who weren't going to get that five-minute spot on The them their livelihood. A lot of comedians who weren't going to get that five minute spot on The Tonight Show, a lot of those comedians who weren't going to get that sitcom, like you paved a new route for comics. But also what if you didn't have a podcast and then none of us had podcasts and then this fucking quarantine happened

and we would just be like sitting around waiting for auditions or some shit. A lot of people have called me up. He's like, thank God you talked me into doing a podcast. Well, Donnell too. Donnell was like he started in the car right after or before you're truly feeding people's kids yeah it's everybody who's a comic you're feeding my eggs if you have the ability to do a podcast why wouldn't you why wouldn't you like let people know like more about how you think and more about what you're interested in it's so interesting

because my podcast is only like, I have like 30 something episodes and it's, you know, sometimes I interview and sometimes I don't, but there's people, it's all been all comics. What's it called, Annie Letterman? It's called Me Inspiration. We know you're very shy and you don't want to promote your stuff. I'm not aggressive.

No, but I want to start doing more. Like there's these people who's like, they have therapy podcasts and stuff and these different types of people that I would love to interview. Like, I want to do more like the people that I love rather than just comedians or whatever. I have a podcast too, but I'm pretty successful. So follow Annie's instead. I have enough money.

Her podcast is called, this is what her podcast is called. Bop, bop, bop. It's called Good For You, but Annie needs it more. So give it to her. Bop, bop, bop. I have to pee so bad. Okay, let's wrap this up. Everybody has to pee.

I love you. I love you, too. Thanks for doing this. Thank you so much. I'm glad you guys are going to do this podcast. I'm going to help. It's going to be good. I'm going to promote it.

Can't wait. Goodbye, everybody. Bye. Woo. So fun. Thank you.