The Joe Rogan Experience - #153 - Joey Diaz

Episode Date: October 31, 2011

Joe sits down with Joey Diaz.

Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day! That was the highlight of my month. That was pretty sweet. Yeah, that was the highlight of my month. I've actually listened to that so much in the last 24 hours that I'm thinking about making a ringtone, but... Oh, it's the highlight of my month. I've actually listened to that so much in the last 24 hours that I'm thinking about making a ringtone. Oh, it's a good ringtone. You know, the perfect thing about it, too, is that it wasn't perfect.

It didn't even make sense. Yeah, because when he says night or day or something like that. You have your phone next to the shit. You do, son. Why are you pointing at Joey? No, I was checking around. I was checking around, doing the circle. Yeah, it's train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

Yeah, the night part, he almost says, like, day or day or something like that. It's perfect. It's confusing. It's perfect. Nick Diaz is awesome. Holy shit, what a fucking fight that was. God damn, Joe Diaz. I was fucking fired up.

I wanted to cry. Rogan gave me a cookie he had, and I ate it before the fight. And by the time Chuck Congo fought Mitrione, I was fucked up. Like, you know, when you sit over in that section, those lights hit you. I don't know if they ever affect you by mistake. They usually put, like, these orange, red kind of lights, blue lights. And that cookie made those lights. Like, I couldn't even see the fucking fight.

I'm like, get this beam of light out of my eyeballs. Really? And then by the time BJ, when BJ came out, bro, and he, listen, it was too close of a fight for anybody to call. My heart was too involved with BJ. I really liked the hell out of BJ. Yeah. So I didn't want to really call it.

And when I was watching BJ come out, I just wanted a decent fight. You know? Right. Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus fucking Christ. What a fight. Holy shit. Nick Diaz looked good, man.

God damn, did he look good. That's the best performance I think anyone has ever had against BJ. No one has ever looked that good against BJ. I mean, he just boxed him up, standing up, man. Just boxed him up. And the pace that Nick...

Nick Diaz makes you run with him. He makes you run at his pace, you know, and his endurance is just on some wicked level, man. And he forces this pace and fights guys, you know, using sharp boxing where he doesn't hit you with full blast shots. You know, like he sort of 50%s you, 50%s you up until like the second and third round. Then he starts digging those hooks to the body.

He's so effective, man. He's so effective. It's really weird to watch. It was a great fucking fight. Like I said, I like going to UFC to see fights. I'm a fan, but I also want to see a fucking... I want to see some crazy shit. I want to see some crazy shit.

And then they just announced my other man, Donald Cerrone, against Nate Diaz. Yeah. For Super Bowl weekend. Yeah. That's a fucking... I mean, Donald Cerrone, against Nate Diaz. For Super Bowl weekend also. Donald Cerrone, I loved him. I've always loved him as a human being, as a fighter. But the other night, he came out looking good like a motherfucker.

He was like Superfly in 73. He was just smooth. He just looked good. He came out. Thank you very much for taking me. Thank you for coming, man. You were the life of the party. I talked to Greg Jackson about it, and he said he's never been more disciplined. That's what it is. He's just constantly training, constantly in the gym,

just working harder than he's ever worked before. He realizes, I think, that he's knocking on the door right now. He's like right there. I mean, he's the elite of the elite. You know, this knockout of Seaver, the way he put Seaver out, dude, whoo, that was big, dude. It was beautiful. That was big.

The fact that he did that to Seaver. I mean, Seaver's a dangerous guy. I mean, look what Seaver did the way he put Seaver out, dude, that was big, dude. It was beautiful. That was big. The fact that he did that to Seaver. I mean, Seaver's a dangerous guy. I mean, look what Seaver did to Andre Winter. Look at that turning sidekick. He landed on Nate Moore and sent him flying across the room. He's a beast, man. He's no joke. And Donald Cerrone just ran through him.

And to have done that right after he did the same to Charles Oliveira, Cerrone's a monster, man. He's fun. And he's a cowboy. He's a fucking character, man cowboy He's a fucking character man He's a real legit cowboy man Wears cowboy boots and shit He's got a hat

Rides bulls He doesn't give a fuck around man He lives on a ranch man You know like I was saying When they were calling him Cowboy Cerrone When he was about to step In the octagon

I'm like well this isn't a joke This guy lives on a ranch Okay He's got his own ranch These are real cowboy boots Because he wears them And it's a real fucking cowboy? He's got his own ranch. These are real cowboy boots because he wears them and it's a real fucking cowboy hat. He's a beast.

Now, I seen something on Twitter earlier. Are they giving Conduit Ellenberger or somebody else in the meantime? I don't know.

I don't know. What if it was just a ranch style house? You know, what if it was on a real ranch and this whole time you just misheard it? And then you go to his house

and you're like, oh, he just bought some cowboy points and he has a one-story house. The other end of Vegas, which you really fucking missed and I came home and actually watched it, was the Bull Riding Association finals were there.

So there were cowboys everywhere. Do you understand me? The hats, the shit kickers. And I was telling Joe, yeah, you know, sometimes I misquote my words. I don't hate fucking anybody. I just hate people who think they're better than you are, snobby people, a.k.a. wasps. You know who my heart is? The South.

Let's get down to it. When I fucking came to this country, I was a little kid. When I seen a cowboy hat and a gun, are you fucking kidding me? You know what you feel like when you see that? We all wanted to be cowboys. That's what we first fucking dressed as our first Halloween. Somewhere along the line, all three of us, we were a cowboy for a day. You know what I'm saying?

We all giggled. Think, you would never play the fucking cowboy. I bet you did. With the girl next door, you tied her up. You dirty fucking bastard. Brian wasn't even an Indian. He was the boy that worked in the shop. That's what he played.

Everybody else played Cowboys Indian. No, I played Indian. Did you? Trestless, usually. There's a lot of people that want to be rebels that played Indians. I played Indian after I seen Charles Bronson in the one movie when he played in it. Chattel's Land. He plays an Indian.

He threw the fucking spear. I started throwing fucking sticks outside. Those stickball bats. Yeah, Charles Bronson could pull off Indian easy, right? Well, in the 60s, they just let you do whatever the fuck you wanted to. I mean, Anthony Quinn's a Mexican. He played a fucking Irish. How fucked up is that?

Anthony Quinn is really Mexican, a great actor. And he played everything. Well, he played a Mexican in that one black and white movie. What was that movie that he played with Kevin Costner? Do you remember that movie with Kevin Costner where Kevin Costner was in love with his wife? Revenge! Yes. One of the greatest beatings ever.

Forget Anderson Silva kicking what's-his-name in the face. The guy fucks his wife, who's the crazy chick, who's no longer like a hot actress. She was very hot at that time. Who is she? Anthony Quinn was a Mexican drug fucking savage. Madeline Stowe? Madeline Stowe. Madeline Stowe.

No Viagra. Revenge was like 87. There was no Viagra, and he was just banging her. This chick wanted to keep getting banged, and he came in, broke his legs, slashed his face, put her in a fucking brothel, shot her with fucking coke. I mean, Anthony Quinn didn't fuck around with revenge. That was a scary movie, man. Bro, did you watch anything scary yesterday?

I tell you what I got caught up in yesterday from the beginning. What? I got caught up in the motherfucking Exorcist yesterday. And to watch the, you know what? Everybody talks about Friday the 13th. I forgot. Because all you think about is this movie about a kid getting possessed. It is so fucking deep.

The cinematography. When the priest comes. Not Jackie. You know that Jackie Gleason's son-in-law. Demi, why you do this to me? Really? That's Jason Patrick's motherfucking father. That Greek dude. That dude never even did another movie. He just did

that, that priest. The boxer. Really? Yeah, he's bad. Yeah, that is kind of crazy. That guy didn't do that many movies. Fucking beautiful, that motherfucker. Yeah, he was really fucking. That's kind of crazy. He was so good in that movie, he never did another movie. Did that movie win anything? Can you click?

Did it win anything? Because if it didn't, I'm going to blow up a fucking studio. I'm going to blow up one of these fucking jerk-offs. Let me tell you something. That movie took me. This girl was 12 years old. There's one when she tells him, your mother sucks cocks in hell. Yeah.

You can't write that shit. Yeah. She takes the cross. She's sticking her monkey. Then she takes the mother mother puts her head down there and says suck me in her contract they should have said listen we're gonna give you 50 grand a year for psychological abuse yeah it was 1970 this kid was saying those words what do you think that did to her because she was a freak after that made her suck with james's dick she went right to buffalo one way. She was only 17. I mean, it was something. There's another scene in there where.

She's shoving the cross in. It's making noise like it's cutting into meat. It is. You know, they shot that in the fucking freezer. I didn't know that. Breathe like that, her breath. The breath was like that. Wow, that makes sense.

What a fucking amazing, amazing. I was sitting there going, I got to save this for the podcast. Because again, back to the fucking 70s. Back to the fucking 70s. And it didn't mind fuck you like a hand coming out of a wall. It mind fucked you slowly. Yeah. Well, they didn't have the special effects.

So they had to do it with writing. And they had to do it with the way they shot things. You know, their special effects mean she just had a little makeup on her face it's really not that bad today do you remember that song yeah sure the creepiest yeah fuck when he gets out of the cab yeah yeah and also she opens that door it's just fog behind him yeah that is one of the greatest fucking shots if that motherfucker was at my house i think i just slammed the door the movie's badass how's this done the beginning they find like a talisman or something like that one of the greatest fucking shots. If that motherfucker was at my house, I think I'd just slam the door on his face. The movie's badass. How does it start

in the beginning? They find like a talisman or something like that? A little statue? He's in Egypt, which I always believed. That's why I've always thought there's so much

fucking bad luck in Africa. Because the devil, that's the devil's house. That's the devil's house in Africa. Egypt is the devil's house? What about that scene when he sees the devil's statue

and he looks and it's two dogs fighting? Oh, Jorog. rogan two wild dogs in the and the guy comes out pops out with the shotgun like in an arab suit he's in an arab fucking country yeah when he finds that thing yeah but then when he goes to her house there's one part with be me why you do this to me you're not my fucking mother he's just oh my god he has to leave the room and she fucking pukes that green soup

in his fucking eye just brilliant and when back then you have to think there was nothing like this before this movie nothing like they had those

old wolfman movies they were so stupid I mean they were fun but they were nothing like the exorcist man the exorcist had taken it to a deep, deep psychological level. That movie scared the fuck out of a lot of people.

A lot of people. And then they reduxed it. Like, they did it with her walking down the stairs in a fucking, you know, a homoplata. It looked stupid. She walked on her own homoplata. Yeah, that was terrible. They ruined it.

They ruined it. That took away from what the whole movie was about. Those were like the scenes they cut out, which they cut them out for a fucking reason. Yeah. Because it sucked. It's like when people go cut out, which they cut them out for a fucking reason. Yeah. Because it sucked. It's like when people go, oh my God, they just re-released Prince's unreleased thing. He didn't release them because they sucked. You know what I'm saying?

This is for his ranch next to Donald's throne, you dumb fuck. There's hits and misses. Yeah. You gotta accept that. Yeah, no. You don't know. Yeah, that movie was a fucking classic. That's one of those movies.

Very strong movie. They just did it so well. It was so well done in every way. There's a few movies like that where you go back and you watch them and you go, God damn, they just nailed this shit. And everybody was a superb actor. They set you up for it. A lot of people forget that there was a party at a house and there was a fight

between a Jewish guy and a German. The German kept saying, fucking Nazis. Then they got into a misunderstanding. So when she first started getting sick, she leaves the mother. And when she comes back, the director got found in the bottom of the steps with his head twisted all the way around.

Bro, they set you the fuck up. The cop comes over. He interviews him. What happened? You know, and now you're thinking maybe the girl killed the fucking guy. Remember she went downstairs and peed when they were playing the piano? Yeah, she goes to the astronaut.

You're going to die up there, mister. And then pisses in the ground. Just shit that you can't even have a little girl with that cute little face. Whoa. At the end, look, no, no, you're getting it. Tonight you have to pull up. When she comes out at the end and the priest comes up and the father goes to her, does she remember anything?

And the mother goes, no, she doesn't remember a goddamn thing. And all of a sudden she gets in the car, she comes out and hugs him and kisses him. That scene will fucking kill you. It'll fucking kill you. It's such a great little fucking dirty scene. Anyway, I don't know what I said there. Do you guys remember that movie House from like 1986? House?

It's a horror movie? Yeah, it was a horror movie and the dude from Cheers was in it. George Wint or whatever. William Catt. God, I don't remember that at all. Yeah.

Never mind then. I've never been a big spooky guy. I mean, listen, Nightmare on Elm Street, the first couple of those were off the fucker. They were okay.

When I first watched them, I'm not a horror guy. You know, I'm not a big horror guy. So, I get scared. I can't fucking sleep at night. Like, yesterday I watched that. I watched Dexter and there was get scared. I can't fucking sleep at night. Like yesterday I watched that. I watched Dexter.

And there was something else. I can't fucking sleep at night with all that horror in my life. That's all I want. I don't want Dexter. I don't want like serial killer type horror. I don't want like real live shit. I like monsters. That's what I like.

I like shit that's not real because that's fun for me. When I go to a movie, the last thing I want is you to recreate real life. I get enough real life. I don't want it. I want vampires. What do you got? Who can fly? Who shoots laser beams out of their eyeballs?

If you don't have that, I don't want to go see your fucking movie. I got movies, and I got movies to take my mind the fuck away, a.k.a. Calgon. I got movies, and I got Calgon. Calgon, take me away? Yeah. There's movies that you watch. I want to watch a movie that halfway through the movie, you ask yourself, where's my life headed?

Right. And you're giggling. That's all that matters to me. Right. Like sometimes I catch myself watching Roadhouse. I ain't going to fucking lie. Best movie on television. I'll watch it all the way through.

Ben Gazzara. Yeah. Let me flip a coin. Hold on. He flips a coin. You got rich off a lot of people in this town, and I'm going to get richer. Yeah coin there's just some got rich off a lot of people in this town and i'm gonna get richer yeah that's just some movies dialogue ever that movie's a classic there's some dumb movies i'm ashamed to tell people i even like you know i love the scene

where they're stitching charl pat patrick swayze up she's stitching him up and he goes pain don't hurt pain don't hurt i wish you would have like a video game for that like a first person shooter roadhouse where you're just like going around bars and kicking ass like going through clubs and crowds and being a bouncer yeah being a bouncer and the most craziest bar ever yeah yeah they could have something like boss levels the woman's restroom coolers they weren't even bouncers yeah they were coolers i want you to be nice until it's time to not be nice. Those are the cocaine days, man. They made different movies back then.

I was 87. They made stupid movies because they didn't know the movies were stupid because they were all coked up while they were making them. What do you think of this idea? They all had bad soundtracks. They all really... Did you ever see Manhunter?

Is that what it is? The original Silence of the Lambs? I believe it was called Manhunter. Manhunter, yes it is. With the dude from CSI. William, what's his name? I can't think of his name. Whatever Homeboy's name is.

That's a weird fucking movie. It's a good fucking movie. That's a weird movie. It's a good fucking movie. But brilliant. That's Michael Mann in his early days. He got... You know William Peterson is his name?

Yes, William Peterson. The story about William Peterson was he put him in Thief. He's got one line in Thief. He takes a stick and he's going to hit James Caan. That's him. That's William Peterson is his name. Yes, William Peterson. The story about William Peterson was like he put him in Thief. He's got one line in Thief. He takes a stick and it's going to hit James Caan. That's him. That's William Peterson. Then he put him in Manhunter. Then I think William Peterson.

And then he put him in one of the best movies ever. To Live and Die in L.A. God damn! Like a motherfucker! People forget about that movie. The line I have stolen. I told him to his face and he goes, what line? And I go, that line I have stolen! I told him to his face, and he goes, what line? And I go, that line, I stole from him.

1983, when John Turturro's in the jail, and what's-his-name goes to visit him. When he first gets busted at the airport with a counterfeit money. And he goes, listen, sit tight, I'll get you out. And he looks at him and goes, yeah. And the check's in the mail, and I promise not to come in your mouth. And then he goes, listen, it's all going to work out in a couple days. And all of a sudden you hear the bell go off and he's got to stop visitation. He's drinking kaopectate,

which makes the visit even stronger. He's got a fucking ulcer. And as he's leaving, he knocks on the glass and he goes, don't forget about me. That's your line? That's where I get that line from. Don't forget about me? Don't forget about me. And he just walks away into the midnight shit.

That's a great movie. Chicks eating each other. Remember that? That movie was a bit like she was an artist type woman and shit like that. That was a good movie.

What's the name of that dude, dog, that he played in The Last Temptation of Christ? He's a star to live and die in LA. Which guy is that? William Dafoe?

Yeah, William Dafoe. I'm sorry, William Dafoe. Yeah, man. He was great in that movie. He was great in that movie. Fuck yeah. You know what's crazy about the exorcist? Before ecstasy and before fucking all these things,

there was a drug called THC crystal. THC crystal? Crystal. This is 1976 to about 80. It was a designer drug. It was supposedly THC, the sticks and stems. You boil them, and whatever rises to the top, you scrape it off, and you freeze it, and you snort it.

But what it became was something completely different. But for $10, three people could get high. That's the first thing I ever snorted in my life. I never did blow like that then. I just did this one thing, and people like snorted, right? And one night, I did that THC crystal between two people, and I went fucking home, and that's one of the times. Did you share it like Lady and the Tramp? And one night I did that THC crystal between two people. And I went fucking home.

And that's one of the times. That was one of the last times. Did you share it like Lady and the Tramp? I don't know how we shared it. It came in a little aluminum foil. And you gave it to your buddy. And he went. And it tasted like. I see.

It didn't taste like anything else I've ever tasted. It tastes like a vitamin. Fucking 15 minutes later, your vision would just cross. But one night I went home and put that fucking exorcist on. And I nearly had a heart attack. What was the effects of this stuff? What was it like? Between me and you, it was just this fucking designer name for angel dust.

Angel dust. That's all it was. A designer name for angel dust. In the 70s, all that shit was big in New York. They called it something else. PCP. When you went to buy weed, little envelopes, brown envelopes that you folded up, trays or fives or tens, the lid would always go out.

Then, not only would they have a name for the weed, the Master Mix, the Super Mix, they'd go, we also got whatever killed somebody that week. Like when I first... The Len Bias. Len Bias or the Guyana. Like the first time I went over there, it was the Guyana. Jim Jones. Jim Jones. This is what he put in the motherfucking Kool-Aid. What was it?

That was always the case, right? Wasn't that always the case when someone would die? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would always name some shit and tell you this is the shit that put him on the moon. This is the shit that put Neil Armstrong on the moon. It was like 87. 85 or 86 when Len Bias died. This is the shit that put Neil Armstrong on the moon. It was like 87, 85 or 86 when Len Bias died. This is the shit they gave Kennedy before they put him in a limo.

I still remember going to Harlem that week and not even thinking about it. Lenny Bias died. Lefty Drizel was the coach. It was the first time he had ever done blow, whatever. And I'm in the car, and I pull over, and we go get weed in Harlem, and all of a sudden, some black guy comes around the thing, and he's like, yo, yo, I got the shit to kill Lenny Byers. I had to stop and, like, fucking almost drop to one knee.

I had never heard that before. It was dark. There were pit bulls out. You know what I'm saying? I didn't give a fuck. I just dropped. I had never heard that before. Can you imagine that's your marketing?

Could you imagine if someone died from Tylenol? Well, people were doing it. When people were poisoning it, that's what they were saying. Bro, this is what they put in the Tylenol shit. It's Challenger dust. Can you imagine if Tylenol was saying that? That's my point. Can you imagine if Tylenol was selling,

yo, this is shit that killed them 20 people. Can you hang? Can you hang, dog? We can't even sell it inside CVS. We got to be in the parking lot. This is the shit that we gave to that dude when he got shot in the head and he drove himself to the hospital. Shit like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Show the guy's head fucking bleeding and stuff like that. Why is it always that? It's always the shit that killed the latest guy. Gaddafi. The shit that killed Gaddafi. This is put up Gaddafi's ass. Yeah. Did you watch any of the Gaddafi footage?

A little bit. A little bit. Holy shit, that's strange. Could you imagine we have footage like that of Hitler? Hitler's last day? You know? Gaddafi went out hard, dude. Knife in the asshole.

Dude, yeah, he went out to animals. They ripped him apart and shot him. I mean, basically, those people were screaming, Allah Akbar, and they were shoving sticks up his ass. You could find photos online of them shoving a stick right up his ass. They got a still frame. It was real hard to see what exactly was going on in the video. They still used the Motorola Razr, it looked like.

It looked like something along those lines. It was not a good camera. It was a shitty camera. And there was so much movement on the screen. There was so much action that the camera made things almost like stop motion. It was missing frames. It looked terrible. Or very artsy.

There's some guy over there going, dude, you should see how I edited it. No, no, no. It's obvious. It's a shitty. What a miserable way to die with a fucking stick in your ass. Yeah, well, they shot him. The coalition forces were going to come and get fucking stick in your ass. Yeah, well, they shot him. The coalition forces were going to come and get him and take him away, and one of the guys shot him.

Now, even after you're shot, I mean, you're breathing, you have a couple minutes of whatever, right there they're pulling your pants down and sticking a broom handle up your ass. It was a knife. And it was a knife. No, you saw a knife? It was a knife. I just read a thing the other day, I forget what website it was.

It was like a news website, and they were saying that they went frame by frame and realized there was a knife in the asshole. You can see where it's like a little blood stain too, like he was spotting, you know. Like it started his low period. Low Gaddafi period. No, I'm not going to do that.

I want my cookies. Gaddafi, rebel shoves knife up Gaddafi's butt before killing him. Yep, exactly. But what's crazy, dude, is the LCC. Kaddafi. Rebel shoves knife up Kaddafi's butt before killing him. Wow. Yep. Exactly. But what's crazy, dude, is how nutty it is to watch this guy's last moments. There's all these screaming and he's covered in blood and he's looking around horrified.

And they're screaming, la, wakba. And they kept taking the camera and putting it in front of their face. They'd look right at the camera and scream, Halal Wakba! Halal Wakba! And then go back to chaos and blood. What's Halal Wakba mean? God is great. God is great. Yeah. What? Yeah, it's pretty fucking nuts, man.

That's a crazy part of the world. Scary, you know? I dressed up as a wizard and scared a bunch of people at a party. I dressed up as the black wizard scared a bunch of people at a party dressed up as a black wizard and I think it made people nervous cause I got I bought really realistic guns

like fake guns I think being a black wizard would fucking scare me to pieces you understand me I don't need a gun I'm watching I'm looking at a photo

of this guy shoving a knife up his ass yeah you see a little blood spot yep he shoved a knife in qaddafi's ass that guy will be talking about that forever this will be like that'll like be his family's legacy you know that photo you know the photo of the guy who shoves the knife of qaddafi's ass

that is my father i was that guy yeah i'm watching this picture that's deep he shoved it deep in his ass too it's a crazy way that guy died does he multiple stab him or just shoves the knife up you can't tell because yeah in the video it's really hard to tell yeah some good uh photos of his dead body though there's a bullet in his forehead and two in his chest there's some some high quality photos of his body pretty nuts man this is uh we've never had that before you know i never had a the video of a guy getting attacked by a mob and killed he's thinking 20 years it's gonna be in 3d and shit it's gonna be like the best quality we're gonna get high quality more video footage stuff

like this yeah it's gonna get worse it's gonna get to the point we're going to get high quality, more video footage, stuff like this? Yeah. It's going to get worse. It's going to get to the point where we're going to be able to experience what Gaddafi felt with a knife being up here. How fucking far have we come like that? I got so many more shit that are going to get taped now. In my hometown of North Bergen, they have command centers.

People watch videos. They have cameras controlling the city. They call them hot spots. They call them hot spots. But know, they call them hot spots. But in reality, they're fucking taping you. Yeah. They're fucking taping you. People do creepy shit.

You got to catch them. There's pro and con to that. There's the tunnel from New York. I understand. But they're fucking taping you. It's true. You know, I mean, I thought there was something more to this. And they might not be the only people.

I mean, you know, I don't whack off in fucking Vegas. You don't whack off in Vegas? Nothing, nothing. I even take a shower with underwear on. Those motherfuckers. Those motherfuckers in Vegas will tape you, you know. You think so? Yeah, man.

You have to assume. You can't even think. You have to assume that they're watching. Photos of Joey Diaz beating off. No, no, dog, forget it. Even when I'd snort coke in Vegas, I'd snort in that little fucking bungalow bathroom

with the lights out. You know what I'm saying? So nobody would fucking see me. Fuck you. And I'd fart in there and double check nobody would even pop their head out of the fire in the apartment.

What? Those motherfuckers fucking with me, Jack. You think that they videotape you while you're... You have to assume in Vegas. Really? They have so much liability.

I agree. They have so much liability they have to lose. They're watching everything. So if someone goes in and kills a hooker, they have video footage of it. They'll pop it up somewhere. Hold on. They have it on camera number seven, which is like a camera behind a picture. Do you remember Ike Quartey?

No. Ike Quartey. No. Ike Abeabuchi. I'm sorry. Not Ike Quartey. Ike Quartey was a lighter weight fighter. Ike Abeabuchi. The president. He called Ike Quarte. Ike Quarte was a lighter weight fighter. Ike Abeabuchi, the president.

He called himself the president. He was a killer dude, a big fucking scary dude who was on the way to being a heavyweight champion. He was a crusher dude who was knocking everybody out. But he liked to beat the fuck out of hookers. Liked to get hookers and beat the fuck out of them and just do creepy shit to them and rape them and shit. And so they arrested him, and he's in jail on that now that's illegal he's done it a bunch

times but he's good in vegas yeah yeah yeah he did in vegas yeah but he was a crazy dangerous scary dude one of those just big giant ultra-athletes just beating the fuck out of everybody. Everybody was terrified of Igabe Abuchi. I wonder when he gets out of jail. You know, I have to also assume the airport. The bathroom at the airport. Really? Yeah, I'd say that too.

I have to assume that. And the plane. Yeah, and I would want them to in a way. Yeah. I'm not going to shit at the fucking airport. That's disgusting. And I'm sure they have technology that detects you masturbating or something. No, it must detect something.

A warmth that the chemicals must give off or a warmth that... Something. I'm not really deep into chemicals and bombs and shit like that. I'm just saying that you have to assume when you go to Vegas. I heard a story years ago about a girl going to Vegas on her honeymoon. A girl I grew up with

went to Vegas on her honeymoon. And five years later she went to the Poconos for her anniversary. And she rented a porno with her husband and it was her fucking on her honeymoon in Vegas.

And they sued the casino for three or four million dollars. This is in the 80s. So if that was going on in the 80s and i have another friend that i spoke to when we were in houston texas he before he became a cop he got busted snorting coke in the bathroom in vegas and when he came out they arrested him this is fucking 1981 or two so they were filming the toilets in the bathroom to this day so why are you taking a shit they're filming filming you. You have to assume.

That's incredible. You have to fucking assume that our privacy now at places like that, at Las Vegas, there's got to be ultra fucking security. I'd have to just, in all areas, casinos. I heard, oh, you were with me when we were talking to Alex Jones in Houston. He was saying that in two years, they want to have fucking the pat-down people at the malls and shit. At parks. At national parks. You know, like PSA.

Is that what you call them? TSA. I don't fucking know. PSA. But you have to assume, you know, that they're watching you. I don't give a fuck. I don't do nothing wrong. You want to arrest me for smoking dope and scratching my nuts, go right ahead.

That's the worst thing I'd fucking do, you know. Right. You know, whatever. It is an interesting question. It's like, how much is your privacy worth? Is it worth people being able to do creepy shit and get away with it? You know, what if one of your friends got killed and it was in a bathroom and they could have arrested the guy, but there was no video camera because people were scared of the video footage?

You know, and you could say, well, hey, a guy got free because there was no evidence. But meanwhile, if they had a camera in there, we would have caught him, that guy would be in jail. The streets would be safer. Now let me ask you this. Let's pretend one of our friends did get killed in the bathroom, and Vegas,

the airport, wherever, we don't want to get nobody in trouble, did tape it. Would it be admissible? That's the other fucking thing. I could come to you as the head detective and go,

come here for a second. There's a situation where we tape everybody. You've always known that. We got the fucking guy. We just need for you to go, yeah,

answer him, but we got the guy. That's what you do in the chambers, right? Like the judge's chamber. Yeah. You're like, all right,

you guys got a situation. That's violent. He killed him in the bathroom. Is it admissible? That's the fucking do in the chambers, right? Like the judge's chamber. You're like, all right, you guys know the situation. That's violent. He killed him in the bathroom. Is it admissible? That's the fucking problem you have here. So you'd have to find out what the laws are. How did you? Okay, I come into your house.

I think bathrooms. I knock on your door. Mrs. Rogan opens the door. I smell marijuana. That gives me the right to come, right? You smell that? Yeah. Get out against the wall.

And you know why? Because of Homeland Security. Homeland Security. They changed that. You know how many fucking arrests there have been for actual terrorism through Homeland Security? It's been like 12 or 14. And the arrests for drugs have been thousands. Thousands.

It's ridiculous. I think the actual statistic is probably 1,500 to 12 or something like that. So I come in here, and I'm looking for something. I don't know. I come in for the weed, and when I come in here, I see a T-shirt that you wore that you ripped off when I was chasing you, and you stabbed the guy. Is it admissible?

Well, if you have DNA on it. If I came in there without a warrant, though. I'd have a warrant to come into your fucking house. It's you and that cop against your wife's word. You follow me? It's a very thin fucking line. You know, you can't go looking for something and find something else. You know, if I

say that, I'm going to go to the house 100 Liberty Street. It's a brown house, and when I get there, it's a blue house. Guess what? My warrant is fucking null and void. Really? Yeah, the color of the house. It's fucking crazy, dog. It's a brown house, and when I get there, it's a blue house. Guess what? My warrant is fucking null and void. Really? Yeah, the color of the house. It's fucking crazy, dog.

It's crazy how to the T. So even if you went into that house, if the warrant was null and void, if the house was the wrong color, but you found dead bodies and guns. The warrant is no fucking good. You walk, my friend. Whoa. On a little technicality, on a warrant, on wording, you walk. You You walk, my friend. Whoa. On a little technicality, on a warrant,

on wording, you walk. You fucking walk in this country. That's how they start out Charles Bronson movies. That's why. That's where fucking, right? Wasn't that that movie

where people were walking? Death Wish? Didn't, wasn't it? No, that wasn't it. No, they raped us. But there was one movie where someone walked and Charles Bronson went after him.

The guy walked on a technicality. Or was it Clint Eastwood? Whatever. It was Michael Douglas, 1981. The movie was called Star Chamber, where he played a judge in L.A. Fucking brilliant movie. And two guys are driving down the fucking street one day,

and a cop pulls them off a busted headlight. And the cop goes, I smell marijuana. They look in the van, they find a kid's shoe. So they arrest him, they bring the fucking guy in. Michael Douglas is the judge. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Boom, because it was an admissible. Because they pulled him over for a broken headlight.

They didn't really have the right to look at the thing. In the court, the kid's father shoots the fucking cop. It's a great story. It's about a team of judges who have a hitman. And whenever you. In the court, the kid's father shoots the fucking cop. It's a great story. It's about a team of judges who have a hitman. And whenever you beat them in court, they come looking for you. So six judges sit there and go, this is the case of Brian Redband.

He killed this lady, took the jewelry to a house, and when they specified the color of his house brown, the color of his house was white, he got away. We're trying to get him. What do you think? Let's go kill him. Guilty, guilty, guilty.

And the guy would go and fucking shoot you. And then when they went after the kids, the cop, the people who killed that kid, they found out that it was the father. So what was it called? Star Chamber? Star Chamber. Michael Douglas went after the guy to tell him that. 1981?

1981. You know how I know? In 92, it was the first time I had HBO. And it was the classic fucking month I got it. It was Raging Bull, Star Chamber, and Hollywood Nights. Is it good? Which one? Star Chamber. Does it hold up?

It's a night. I haven't watched it. It was on ETWR about two months ago, and I watched it for a little while. It's one of those channels. You know, one of those channels on cable. Showtime. They always have extra Showtime. I don't fucking know. It was on one of those ones.

It is amazing when you go looking at it how many different channels there are. We got 500 fucking channels. Why do they put all the fucking HD channels way at the top and they put all the bullshit in the middle. 10 fucking thousand music. Music fusion soul. How many people use those music channels? No one. You're going to someone's house and they're playing music through the TV. Only ex-girlfriends 10 fucking thousand music music fusion soul how many people use those music channels

no one you're going to someone's house and they're playing music through the TV only ex-girlfriends use those and it's like I'm vacuuming I like listening to 80s

disco explosion ain't bad dog to get your party started sometimes disco explosion well they have all different names on it every different

well I know there's a way to get XM radio on your house yeah how do you get XM radio on your house because it has to go you call I think it's a way to get XM radio on your house. How do you get XM radio on your house? You call. I think it's a subscription channel. Do they have the satellite on your roof or something like that?

No, I just broadcast through a channel, I think. Like a music channel. What? Are you talking about through your cable company? I'm talking about XM radio. How do you get satellite radio in your house, though? How's it picking it up? You get this little tuner that comes with it. a lot of the devices now have the tuner built into

the device right but is it picking up from a satellite like if you go into a tunnel it won't work is that what it is right right but how's it working in your house then uh it's just how it's built you just point it towards the direction of the house and then whatever technology goes through the walls it's not the best but i've done it for a long time the whole satellite thing is kind of weird right they have to throw it into orbit. It seems kind of archaic. Now the internet is so powerful and fast. It's like, why would you throw it all the way up into space and then bring it back down?

Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, why can't you just broadcast it through the internet? Why do you, you know? Because they're trying to, the internet, the bandwidth of the internet, the backbone is getting even, it's getting like a lot loaded lately, you know? So much video transfers and stuff like that.

So satellite radio is not ones and zeros they're sending. They're sending something on a radio frequency, so it's not bandwidth intensive. It doesn't matter how many people are downloading it, right? Right. It's like a radio. It's off the network. It's in space or something.

I don't know. I might even be wrong. I don't know. You might be wrong, right? You don't get to too many listeners on satellite radio, and then it doesn't work right. It's not like you crash a website. I don't think so.

It's different. That's funny. It's like TV broadcasts. It's funny that bandwidth is a big thing. When you see a file and you go, wow, one gig? How many people are doing that at the same time? There's a million people downloading the same one gig update to Mac OS X. You got to look at that and go god damn how much bandwidth is that you know what's weird is that i think was sprint just released a report the other day that they just got the new iphone on their network and how the the droid in motorola they spend 30 or 40 more bandwidth than

the iphone they've noticed really because of the 4g is that what it is uh no because more people just online i think the applications how they're designed there's more things streaming constantly connected i'm guessing oh that makes sense it's streaming because you know you're able able to get all those different uh flash videos right you can't get on iphone right things like that yeah those 4g phones are fucking fast man verizon's 4g i went to the store and i fucked around with that droid bionic that thing is a slick yeah if you have it in your area it's not i mean it's not everywhere you know like you probably won't get it here at this house uh no i barely get it i barely get it because i have a 4g card and i can get online with it right but barely i noticed with the the uh

that 4s that it's twice it's two times faster than the 4. Yeah, but it's two times faster AT&T. AT&T sucks, dude. It's always fucking up. When you're in any place where it's high volume, you can't get a call. You can't make a call. I don't have any problems anymore. The network's diluted. I don't think you make as many calls as I do.

When I'm in my car and I'm driving in jujitsu, I'm driving to a comedy show, I'm constantly doing business in my car. Doing business, man. I'm a businessman. You know what I'm saying? I'm just my car and I'm driving in jujitsu, I'm driving to a comedy show, I'm constantly doing business in my car. Doing business, man. I'm a businessman. You know what I'm saying? I'm just getting my business done. I always have to take care of shit.

I have to deal with it. I successfully drive from my house to your house. On the phone? The whole way? The whole way. Really? Is this a new thing? Did you always do that?

In the last three months, four months. Really? So it got better? It's gotten a lot better. Really? So it got better? It's gotten a lot better. Really? And my data network at my house is like six megabyte download on the new iPhone. So that's pretty crazy. That's pretty crazy. Well, when I had it, I couldn't drive to Hollywood and keep a conversation.

There was three places where it would cut out. It would drive me fucking nuts. I'd be like, this is Hollywood in 2011. We had Anthony Bourdain on. He was talking about you could be in China in the middle of fucking woods, and you've got four bars on your phone. Like, they got it wired over there. They're, like, so advanced as far as, like, cell phone coverage and things like that.

That drives me nuts. The AT&T thing would drive me nuts. And then when you're at the UFC, I know this is still a fact, when there's that many people in the arena, when you're, like, an 18,000-seat arena and everyone jumps online, you can't get online. You can't get online. It doesn't work. It just doesn't work. It shows you you arena and everyone jumps online, you can't get online. You can't get online. It doesn't work. It just doesn't work.

It shows you you got three bars and it won't get online. It won't open anything. You can't get on Twitter. But then I get on Verizon, boop, right on. No problems. Right in the arena? Yep. Joey, you just got a new phone.

You got a Droid phone, right? No, I got the 4S. Oh, no, you got the, yeah, the Sprint EDV 4G phone. What's your review on it? Like, what would your editorial be on it? Listen, man, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I went online and tried to look up the directions on YouTube to learn how to do a couple things on it.

But I'm very happy. Number one, I was getting calls inside the UFC. I've always been. I don't know what a bad phone service is because I've always had Sprint. As far as the phone is concerned, I like to get emails. When I do push a bad button and end up on Twitter, I'm on it. I mean, I Sprint. Right. As far as the phone is concerned, I like to get emails. When I do push a bad button and end up on Twitter, I'm on it.

Right. I mean, I'm on fucking Twitter. I can't believe it. It's in my thing. I can't see. But the screen is fucking huge. Yeah. You know, if you really need, like,

and when I get texts, I get two texts. I get a text regular size, and then I hit it again, and then I get this fucking term paper. Oh, wow. You know, so it's pretty cool for me. It works for me. What's the camera like on that? I don't know how to use it, so I So it's pretty cool for me. It works for me.

What's the camera like on that? I don't know how to use it, so I'm going to have to come over. That's why I called you last week to come over to your house. I was by your house. How can it be hard? It's just a camera and a phone. It's not hard. If I press the wrong button, I'm on fucking Albania buying fucking dresses.

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing on the website, and I start hitting. So I've been learning things. I downloaded apps now. I read my apps. I know how to do those things. That's cool. I say one thing for getting online, you can't beat that big screen.

Yeah, it's a battery life. What do you think about that? It's hell. But again, you can't out of, I know what abuses if I get a YouTube video, look at a YouTube video when I'm in the restaurant. That's gonna kill any fucking battery. Out of 10 spirits, what do you rate it? 10 spirits? Yeah. For Joey Diaz?

Yeah. Or anybody else? I'm very content with the service. I don't know. I'm going to have to get my wife's iPhone and try her out

and see where it gets stuck and shit like that. So that's the Sprint EVD 4G something. No, I got the shitty one. I got the Galaxy S. Oh, Galaxy S. But it's still the 4S.

Galaxy S is a great phone. Bro, I can't even tell you the numbers. It is a good phone. I get this for $80 a month with the whole fucking plan. Yeah, that just a few months ago was the best Droid phone available. You're fucking crazy, guys. That's cool.

So for me, I'm a fucking gorilla. The Galaxy S2 was supposed to be the shit. The Galaxy S2. This one here, the new one? No, there's another one. Right, the new one. The S2. Yeah, that's what I've heard.

Am I allowed to text you yet? Not really. That's a funny answer. Your family. You're bothering me. Just call me up, cocksucker. You know what the funny thing is? I guess tomorrow, Redman, fill me in.

I don't know what you guys know. What happens tomorrow with DirecTV? They lose Fox and everything? That usually happens until about tonight. Is that going to happen? I was asking you guys. I read that UFC wasn't in jeopardy. Is that going on? That usually happens until about midnight. Right, about tonight. Is that going to happen? Is that going to happen? I was asking you guys. I read that UFC wasn't in jeopardy.

They didn't have to worry about it. No, no, no. I don't know why you're fucking around with this, DirecTV. Just go to U-verse. Yeah, I think I'm going to. I think I'm going to. I mean, it's great. Now, isn't the other one better than U-verse?

That I could go to? Verizon? No. Fios? Fios? No, there's another one. Warner Cable? Warner Cable. That's what I have. No, no, no. Shoot yourself's another one. Warner Cable? Warner Cable.

That's what I have. No, no, no. Shoot yourself in the mouth. Let it slowly kill you. You don't like it, Doug? This is a problem. It goes off sometimes. It goes off.

I have to reboot it. And we lose the podcast sometimes. I mean, I have the highest level of cable they sell. And a lot of times when we're uploading, they'll say low bandwidth and they'll just kick us offline for nothing. And then we have to reboot. We have to reboot it. Plus it's on by Warner Brothers, you know, and if you want to look at movies you're not supposed to. It's not that good.

It's not the best. Maybe it's my connection. Maybe I don't have a good connection up here because I'm kind of in the middle of nowhere. I don't know what it is, but they told me I would get X amount download speed. It's just not that good. Because I've seen the shows that they lose. If you have, like the other day they emailed me, like the shows I lose. And one of the shows is Sons of Anarchy.

Chuck Zito must be jumping up and down. You know what I'm saying? You lose it if Fox... If this goes down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chuck Zito is at the fights. Well, Chuck Zito, isn't he suing Sons of Anarchy? I guess.

I don't know. He says that that was, like, his idea. I told him. I came up to him. I got a bike. I got a fucking camera. Come on. Yeah.

I never watch that show. Do you watch that show? I started watching it this year because a buddy of mine is on. Yeah. I never watched that show. Do you watch that show? I started watching it this year because a buddy of mine is on the show and I bumped into him after a few years. I like that guy,

Ron Perlman, is that his name? Yeah, everybody, my friend was on it. She says he was fucking great. He was just a really good guy to her.

I bet he is. He's hilarious. That guy's good. He's good in a lot of movies. He was good in Drive. See Drive? I haven't seen Drive yet, no. Very violent, but good.

Yeah, I stopped going to the movies, guys. I've done 30 years of growing up. I still like a good car chase, a well-done car chase. Drive had some wild car chases. If you watch the preview, apparently, it looks like it was a car chase movie, a real action movie. And some woman went to see it and sued because she felt like the previews misrepresented the film. She didn't know it was going to be this weird, moody, sort of a dude with ADD or whatever the hell he's got.

It looks like he's got mild autism or Asperger's or something like that, and he's out there killing people, stoically. Cars 2 comes out on video. You'll like that then. Cars out there killing people stoically cars 2 comes out on video you'll like that then cars 2 what is that new pixar movie that came out that uh it's like the worst idea this lady sued yeah she sued because she thought that the movie was not what she went to see like how hilarious is that what a dumb bitch did she want any money i don't know i don't think so i don't think they've settled bitches if they pay the fucking dumb bitch. I don't think they've settled. I think it's just one of those things where you hear about

on the news. It's amazing how you can sue for anything now. Pretty much, yeah. Well, Ari got sued by that crazy schizo guy for being a bad lawyer because Ari was pretending he was a lawyer to a crazy person. You know, looking back at it, that was a really bad idea, saying that you're a lawyer.

You know, that's probably against the law. I'm sure there's a law somewhere like you can't tell people you're a lawyer. People do it every fucking day. Ari's a comic. This guy comes to a comedy club, talks to Ari at a comedy club. After Ari gets off stage, Ari tells him he's a lawyer, and he'll represent him as he's suing. I mean, come on, man. The real problem was the guy was crazy.

Just to the bone crazy that place that comedy store is a fucking magnet there's a vortex there I don't believe in hippie shit

like crystals and this is the sacred part of the universe this one area let's huddle in together like where I lived in Boulder there was a

circle of rocks and this lady was like this yoga lady was into this rock circle and she was telling me that you know you have to stand in true north and accept the universe and this is a sacred this is sacred land i don't believe in that but i do believe there's something about the comedy store there is something about that place where there's crazy people walking down sunset and they they stop at that place and they just start walking. They start walking in.

That place, we met more crazy people at that place than any other place in Hollywood. If you ever compare between the nuts that go to the improv and the nuts that go to the comedy store, there's no comparison. Right? It's two different fucking worlds. Two different worlds? Two different

worlds. I know, I'm becoming a regular at the store and how people would say, how do you go up there? People are scared of that place. People are fucking scared of that place. The consumers. Super dark. Playground versus treehouse. Playground versus treehouse. Yeah, Comedy Store is like a playground.

Any shit will happen. It's out in the open. Treehouse, you're kind of with the same people, but you're kind of protected. It's more chill for comics Comedy Store is where Dick Diaz would hang out and the improv is where GSP would hang out yeah exactly you know what I'm saying and I got nothing against GSP

he's just a gentleman he's calm at the Comedy Store look at the fucking they were talking about Freddie Prinze Freddie Prinze goes back to the Comedy Store and that was the 70's you know 21 shooting a fucking gun when they were coked up up the fucking hill with that crazy guy and you know this was a a home of dysfunction yeah the owner was fucking the comics you know sucking their dicks two at a time you know they had a house where they did blow and louis anderson and dice and rosanne all lived in this fucking

same house at one time listen to the talent in that fucking room yeah i mean you know when you have that intensity of talent you it has to go the opposite way you gotta have that intensity because you're right on you're teething right on that fucking fine line of brilliance and fucking craziness it's somewhere in there is the fucking comedy is the humor and that all that energy got sucked into the walls of that building. Sucked into the vortex in there. It's something that... Yeah, that building has a feel to it. It's amazing. Yeah. Well, you know, there's a guy named Rupert Sheldrake. He's an evolutionary biologist who believes that everything has memory,

that everything has some sort of capability of recording the past, and even furniture. That's why people love antiques. There's something not just about the fact that there's character to it, but it really gives off a feeling to it because it has so many memories in it of people using it that has a rich, ancient feeling to it. And people believe that that's the case with buildings,

that buildings almost have a built-in memory, that they have something where, you know, if you... Like, here's a perfect example. When I was in Boulder, the JonBenet Ramsey house was for sale where JonBenet Ramsey died. And it was a big, beautiful house, but it was cheap.

It was way cheaper than it would have ordinarily been. And I remember talking about it with some friends, and they were like, fuck that. I wouldn't fucking live there. Why wouldn't you live there?

It's not like the kid's going to come back to life. It's not like the guy's going to fuck you in the ass and knock you over the head with a rock and kill you. No, it's already over. The crime's been committed. Now it's just a house. Why would you avoid that house? Because that house has got a memory in it, man.

We know, inherently, we know. So you would never do that? You'd never be able to live there no it's like look I have gone in the water in places where people have drowned you know yeah but I'm sure there's

dead Indians underneath this house somewhere that's my point I have walked on ground where I'm sure someone has died but a building a building where someone died you'd have to you gotta plow that motherfucker over

and start from scratch. You've got to get rid of that building. I'm very, very fucking happy you had this conversation. I am fucking, because I had something in my heart the last three weeks that has blown me the fuck away. And I know I'm not retarded. I know I'm not fucking crazy. I went to New York to shoot that documentary about my life. Right.

And, you know, when my mother bought that house, the deal was... You went back to the house you grew up in? Yeah, my mom had money, so we had an option. We could live in Fort Lee. I'll never forget that house. It was right under the George Washington fucking bridge. Underneath, we had two fucking leopards in front of the house, white statues.

I'm like, Ma, this is the house. The problem was we couldn't explain where the cash was coming from. If we took the house in North Bergen, the guy would work out some deal with the bank, and we had no about the down payment. we took the house in North Bergen, the guy would work out some deal with the bank and we had no about the down payment. Problem with the house in North Bergen, they didn't tell us when we got the house.

After we moved in, somebody had hung himself. Whoa. Downstairs. And the block is on an orphanage. It's a dead-end fucking street, which is bad luck right fucking there, dead-end streets. That's just bad.

And the end of that block was an orphanage. Was a fucking orphanage. Now, I lived in the streets. That's just bad. And the end of that block was an orphanage. Spirits. Was a fucking orphanage. Now, I lived in that house. I found my mom on the floor in that house. I mean, I grew up in that house. For people who don't know, your mom died. Yeah, in that house. 13 on acid.

14, 15 on acid. And it's just so weird how I had great times in that house as a kid. I can't lie to you. A lot of laughs. People came over. I got my dick sucked. I seen my first porno in the attic. I smoked dope. I remember after my mom died,

my dad came over to me on the street and he goes, come into the car for a second. He had a box like this. And he lifted the box up. And he goes, look in this box. And there was three inches of roaches. Not cockroaches. Weed roaches. And he looked me straight in the eye and he goes, you gotta stop this today.

This is bad we would go upstairs in those days five people three inches of roaches dog we would go upstairs and we were 13

five of us and we'd buy half ounce of weed in those days weed wasn't that strong so you bought a half ounce $25 you rolled 30 joints

that's a good deal cause you could still sell 25 joints get your money back inside and smoke five we'd smoke them all five guys we'd sit there with an eight-pack of Budweiser cans,

and we would go home until every joint in that bag was fucking gone. If the only way you'd go home was if there was five of us, and we said, all right, we'd take a joint for the morning. So you've been getting high steady since you were how old? Steady, steady, Freddy. Steady, Freddy, Daddy, about 16. Since you were 16. But when I was 13 and that.

So 30 plus years. 30. I used to be an athlete. Right. With weights, run to George Washington Bridge. But on Fridays, I had my little freak crew. I used to do karate with Mario Diaz. We'd do homework.

But people don't know, there's a picture of you right behind you, over to your right shoulder. That's when you were like a fucking fit athlete. Look at you. You an animal. What are you talking about? You were a goddamn football player there. You were huge. I'm still a fucking football player.

That's how you were when I first met you. For people who don't know. It was just really weird, Joe, that I would lift weights and eat carrots. And then on the weekends, I had my little fucking guinea crew. And then we'd get a case of Budweiser that we'd rob off a beer truck, and we wouldn't tell nobody. We'd have Visine and Cologne. Nobody knew that we got high,

but we were jocks. And then my mother died, and then I didn't really like drinking, so I had to do something when I went out with these kids. So I smoked dope. I love drinking. You know what I don't love?

The day after drinking. Fucker, I love getting a little lit, though. It's fun, dude. We went to Joey and I, after the fights, we went Oh, you didn't come up to the... No, you went to Club Mix. Yeah, Club Mix. And we went up with my boy Justin from the Action Report, the guy who does the pool gambling

videos. And holy shit, we got hammered. Woo! We kept it coming. We just kept those drinks coming. Was it one of those wake up go to the airport morning sleep for three hours go to the airport

that was good Joey got me a coffee though that kept me up but I was telling you that we went to my mother's house that same house and I

whenever I go to North Bergen I always go to the cemetery and put flowers and I take a ride by the house but I never get out of the fucking car

that's a complete different story taking a ride and getting out of the car this time I actually got out of the car and went in front of the fucking garage and dog it was like somebody was kicking my knees out like that was just like it was like i was getting wheezy like i was feeling bad i was feeling all those emotions because i never carried my keys on right i'd always hide them in the back under the air condition and pull out and open the garage i would run to the into the garage. I was one of those kids.

And then a Cuban guy came up. And we started talking. And I told him that my mom died in the house. And he goes, the people that live there, I'm watching the house. They're away. You want to go in the back of the house? And I went to the back where I played hours of basketball. And it was over anxiety.

It wasn't even anxiety. But I could feel the walls. I could feel the brick walls. Like they knew. Like I had been there before. And she goes, if you want, I could open up brick walls. They knew. I had been there before. She goes, if you want, I could open up the place and that was too real for me. I was like, fuck that.

No, no, I'm good. Even just the emotions of being around it, even if there was no memory in the building, just the re-triggering of your past, old places. You ever been around your old high school? Please. I went in there.

When I went back also to grammar school. I did everything. When I was a kid, I used to have a problem when I was just starting to do stand-up and I was just starting to move forward with my life. I would go back to where my high school was, go back

to Newton and I'd drive around and I would feel like I felt when I was going to school there. It would make me insecure. I would feel like I felt when I was going to school there. It would make me insecure. I would feel like I felt like when I was in high school and didn't know what my future was going to hold and was just really confused and felt like a loser. And I would go back to high school, and it didn't matter how well I had done since high school,

how many Taekwondo tournaments I had won or how many stand-up comedy shows I had done, I still felt like a loser when I was around my high school. It made me feel still like I was illegitimate. I wasn't confident enough yet. Well, there's definitely memory to it. Like if you got raped in the basement, every time you go to the basement,

you'd probably be like, ugh, basements. Yes, Brian. But here's the main thing, that this is how I justified me failing on the plane the next day because I even felt that the next day on the plane I felt really bad. And I said, you know what, Doug? Even if you had a childhood that was the president's son and you moved out of the White House,

if you go back to the White House, you're still going to get some chills. Your souls are in those walls. You talk to those walls. You went to bed quiet one night. You cried. Well, I went back to the house where I grew up for the first time in 20 years last week. Not last week, last month week last month i was in boston and i went back and uh i stood in front of the house it was real bizarre i lived in a weird section of uh newton upper falls i lived um it was pretty rural for where i lived i lived right in front of the charles river there was like a big park in

front of my house in the charles river and then essentially there was like a lot of woods behind there was a lot a lot of woods in that area. But, uh, that's where I used to hang out when I was a kid. And I went back there and was walking around. There's a spot called Echo Bridge and my house was the house right on Echo Bridge. It was 38 Ellis street. And, uh, I went back there and it was so fucking strange. Everything about it. Like you could just, you just read all these flashbacks start popping into my head of you know of walking in these on these same streets and standing in front of the same house the house looks exactly the same my father built that house so it was it was all real

weird it was a stood in the exact parking spot where i caught my friend adam fingering this girl that i was dating this girl I was dating this girl. I dated a lot of sluts. And, you know, look, no offense to them. I'm sure they were good girls, and I'm sure they were probably fucked up, which is why they were attracted to me in the first place, because I was fucked up. But, damn, I dated a lot of girls that cheated on me.

Holy shit. They were just whores. I dated this one girl. She literally, everybody that tried to fuck her, fucked her. She could not pass. She could not pass. It was just, she was just one of those crazy Catholic girls that was, like, suppressed her whole life. And all you had to do was try, and you were banging her.

And everybody I know banged her. And then when I was, I was just sort of starting to date her. And I got up early because I had a newspaper route. And she was parked in front of my house. This is how crazy these fucking people are. They're both in front of my house, and he's fingering her right on the front seat. And I slam my hand down on the hood,

and I'm like, good morning. I go, you fucking crazy assholes. And then I just got in my car, and I drove off. But, you know, I fucked her a bunch of times after that, i never took her seriously again you know it was one of those like okay now i see but that happened that was like an overwhelming pattern over and over again where a chick would do something fucked up and then i'd never take it seriously again you know a couple times it was girls who went on spring break one time a girl went on spring break girl i was living with this girl and she came back she was acting real weird i'm like what the fuck is up with you

like why are you acting so weird and then she had to confess that she she kissed some guy she said you tell me you kiss some guy and you're on spring break and you fuck some dude period you come back all weird and say you kiss some guy you fuck some dude and you know we had to talk about it but we wound up staying together but i never took it seriously again you know and it never bothered me again like so like if I had the opportunity to cheat a boy yeah I would I wouldn't even there was no it was like I was single it was like I had a girlfriend but I was single you know like the opportunity she came up yeah of course I would this bitch came back from spring break and she was fucking some other dude and one

girl went to spring break this is my best one she came back with fucking rug burn on her back her whole back was like her whole lower back you know was just fucked up this dude just lit her up she went to florida with her cousins or some shit and she came back and when i asked her about it she told me that she was leaning up against the fence she was drinking and she was leaning up against the fence and She was drinking, and she was leaning up against the fence, and there was like a nail in the fence, which is so ridiculous. It's such a bad lie. And again, I couldn't prove anything, so I stayed with her, but I never took it seriously again. I was always like, eventually, this is going to end.

This cannot go anywhere. This is never going to be my wife. This is never going to be the mother of my children. This is just some crazy bitch that, alright, that's what happened? Oh, you had a nail and you scratched it up and down your back in big six inch swaths? Like, whoever that guy was, he fucked the shit out of her.

I'd like to talk to him about that. Freaky chicks in Jersey when I was growing up, but nothing beat that dirty whore I used to date from Michigan. The one that threw me out when I first met you and took my clothes off, my fucking leather jacket. That's the crazy bitch I was fucking in the ass in Seattle and I felt something hitting my dick so I looked at her asshole

I stuck like two fingers like something was hitting the top of my unit I'm like what the fuck is this sharp thing hitting my dick so I took my dick out she's like and I just put two fingers in there and I searched around her asshole and that's when I found like a fucking little like a you know when you eat a Hershey's bar

with aluminum foil that's inside the Hershey's? Like half of it. And I took it out but it was all wrinkled up and it was like, this was pointy over here. And I just took it out,

looked at it, it was like kind of brownish, I put it on the table and stuffed my dick back in there and finished up. What? Yeah,

it was the coolest. And when I came, I just got up with toilet paper and picked it up. I never said nothing to her because how do you tell somebody to have an aluminum foil in their ass? How the fuck did that get there? I can say you have STD or something, but aluminum foil, how'd that get there?

Why would you ask? It was just a little piece. Maybe she had a piece of chewing gum. She was a crazy fucking stripper chick, dog. I remember her. That was the one when I first met you. That was some of the craziest shit. I had been with crazy women. I had been with crazy people. That's the first time I ever met you. That was some of the craziest shit. I had been with crazy women.

I had been with crazy people. That's the first time I ever found out about sugar daddies. She's the one that filmed me, and she's like, well, okay, let me tell you this story. I have this guy that pays my bills, and I'm like, bitch, I'm getting a piece of that. You said that you're going to get a cut? I'm getting a cut of that shit. If he's paying you, he's fucking you, and I'm getting a piece of it. So you were her boyfriend.

Towards the end. She was like, oh, my sugar daddy. Towards the end. Like, towards the end. Like, in Seattle. Because after Seattle was the same thing like you. You don't take them serious no more. Right.

I didn't take it serious no more. So you were just getting a piece. Yeah, I was getting a piece, you know. So you would tell her, all right, you could fuck this guy. But I got to get some money. I wouldn't say no. Yeah, I would say, I'm taking a piece of it. And she'd go, you're fucking crazy. I'm getting a fucking piece of that. I mean, this bitch. Listen. She would say, you can fuck this guy, but I gotta get some money. I wouldn't say no. Yeah, I would say, I'm taking a piece of it. She'd go, you're fucking crazy. I'm getting a fucking piece of that. I mean,

this bitch. Listen. She would say, you're fucking crazy. I had fucked people before. I had fucking come on people before. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But this was a different level. Like, she, this was just a different level of retardation. Like, she would take pictures of my dick and shit. I mean, she was fucking nuts, this

chick. Yeah. Like, I remember she would bring strippers over. She brought this one girl over. I just remembered this. She brought this one girl over one day that was playing that I have a boyfriend routine. So this girl put her together to eat her pussy and for me to fuck her from behind while she was eating her pussy. But the girl wouldn't let me see her pussy because she had a boyfriend. I'm like, only a stripper would do that. She's like, she can see my titties because if he comes to the club, he can see my titties.

But I have a boyfriend. I don't want him to really see my pussy. So my girlfriend's eating her fucking monkey, and I'm pumping my girlfriend from behind. I'm trying to catch a piece of this fucking monkey. She was a hot little Jap girl. I was pretty fucking high. I couldn't catch a fucking monkey. She wouldn't let you look at it.

No, that's the people she brought over. Like, crazy shit. It was just crazy. Then I got the shooting sugar daddy came to Michigan. Here I am, dirty, crazy. He comes to Michigan to fist fight me. So that's the time I got arrested for beating her up. That's the deal.

I didn't beat her up. I was beating him up. She jumped in. I pushed her out. The next thing I know, I'm beating up this fucking broad. But once you have that shit on you, you can't get rid of that. Everything you do involves that domestic violence thing. Everything the fuck you do in Seattle.

So the sugar daddy showed up. Showed up at the Comedy Underground and was like coked up and drunk. He looked like Anthony Bourdain, the sugar daddy. Fucked up. I'm going to fuck you up. At the time, I'm like, I'm going to beat this motherfucker and take his money. You know me. I was in Seattle at the time.

So did she rat you out? No. They had witnesses. No, no, no. How did this guy find out about you? She ratted me out whenever I'm dating him. And he was like, I'm coming back to get you. I'm fighting for your honor.

Oh, no. One of those things. Yeah, dog. He showed up. Yeah. And so he was just getting some pussy for money. Right. And he thought they were in love.

I'll be pleased. Till this day, he still calls me and sends her money they were in love. I'll be pleased. Till this day he still calls her and sends her money. I'm 48, she's 43, still stripping in Tampa. Still shaking. And she's a millionaire. She just bought her 10th

Curbs gym. Really? 10th. She has a franchise fucking thing up and down Michigan. And she's still stripping? Still stripping because she's a filthy fucking whore. She sucks a dick for $100 and she'll fuck you for $200 at the strip club. Really? Today. She even told me when she goes, I'm a little sick because I sucked a guy's cock with no condom the other day.

I was dying of fucking laughter. Oh my God. She calls me every time she sees me on TV or something more. So she calls you and she just gives you the full job? Oh, I just laugh my ass off. Because this is like the craziest thing in my life. I play with cats. You know what I'm saying?

I'm sick because I suck the guy's dick with no condom. I go, you sound sick. I suck some guy's dick with no condom. And I feel a little scratch in my throat. Oh, my God. She's a cold shot through his dick. And she goes to the PTA. I mean, she works the whole thing.

Oh, my God. Takes him to Disneyland, the whole whole thing. Oh, my God. Takes them to Disneyland, the whole fucking deal. Oh, my God. Wasn't she dating some black karate guy or some shit? That's the guy that tied her up and held a shotgun to her head. Oh. This motherfucker shot me. This motherfucker found out she was sucking 10,000 dicks and said,

I'm going out for a pack of cigarettes He came back with a cigar a bottle of tequila and a rope Oh, no, and he tied her up me looked at the bitch and he goes with this bottle of tequila's gun I'm fucking shooting you and I'm slipping my wrist. Whoa, so he had her by Eddie's old school All right. Oh my god 10 planet La Brea Yeah down that block right there if you make the left is the Chinese theater by Eddie's old school. All right. Oh, my God. 10th Planet La Brea. The old one. Yeah. But down that block and right there

if you make the left is the Chinese theater. Mm-hmm. Right there. So some cop is driving by and he sees him in the window. This is a true story. With a gun to a head.

The window's open. He's like, I'm gonna kill you. I love you. He was pulling the same thing from what's that movie Playboy 21 that they shot her

with the fucking the best role of his life? Fuck the one with Mickey Rourke. What was the one that the chick, the playmate? Star 80. Eric Roberts? Yeah, Eric Roberts. That's his best fucking movie.

Star 80. Yeah, he puts a shotgun in her pussy and shit, and then when she's dead, he fucks her in the machine. What? You never watched Star 80? Damn, I don't think so. Oh, my God. He fucked her while she was dead?

That's a true story. After he killed, what's her name, he built machines to weight lift, but he also built machines to fuck women on. So he made this bench, and he cut the back of the bench down so you could put your legs on your knees, and he could fuck you from behind. So it would just open, and he would strap your legs. And that dude was a sick, because that's what he was trying to do all for her. He was trying to sell the Star 80 sex machine.

Whoa. That's what that movie was about? It's about Eric Roberts and that chick. He was trying to sell the Star 80 sex machine. Whoa. That's what that movie was about? It's about Eric Roberts and that chick. He was fucking creepy in that. And then I did some looking up into it. That guy was fucking nuts over that bitch. The real guy in the real story? Yeah, the real guy was crazy. They wouldn't let him in the Playboy Mansion. And then she was fucking somebody famous, like a director, you know. This is the plot of the movie, Star 80. No, this is a real story in real life. If you look it up, wherever she was fucking, she was fucking a famous director.

Who was it based on? It was based on, check it out, Brian, a girl from Canada. He was doing wet t-shirt contests. And he signed the told. He got some pictures of her. Got her in Playboy. Moved to L.A. They were living the fucking dream.

You know, hefs. Then he married her. You know, he was a fucking mooch. Right. He married her, but he was trying to marry her, and every week he'd come to her and go, I got a new idea, Joe Rogan. How about we do the Joe Rogan test-a-pad?

You know, every week he came to her with a new scam. Right. These were the scams he was doing. Then when she divorced him, she gave him money and said, you could keep doing this dumb shit. Then he invited her over or something, and that's when he fucking iced her. Really?

But he banged her after she was dead, then he shot himself, dog. That's a sick motherfucker right there. There's a lot of people that are, like, that close to killing themselves in Hollywood. Just that close. There's a lot. Bro, think of how many people lose it over women. Yeah. You know, really fucking lose it like that.

That's a... Yeah, a lot. Well, a lot. You know what it's like? It's like if you only have a dollar lot well a lot you know it's you know what it's like it's like if you only have a dollar and someone takes your dollar it's goddamn devastating but if you you know make a hundred dollars an hour and somebody takes your dollar you're like i can make another hundred dollars in an hour what's the big deal you know what i mean it's like when you have a for most guys the currency of pussy is just overwhelmingly expensive it's overwhelming it's really hard

really hard to get laid for the average guy for the average guy so you get a good one you get a hot piece of ass you get a hot bitch that you're really attracted to and you love her and then your emotions get tied up in her and then she wants to dump you and she wants to leave you and that's your everything that's everything you got everything you got in the world the world is this chick that's the best thing you got going for you. We've all met guys like that. You ever met that one guy who's not so good looking, but he's got this hot bitch. And she's just one of those girls that wants a guy who's not going anywhere.

Yeah, she's one of those girls who wants a guy that she knows that she could wrap around. She just tapped out. She said, I'm not playing games no more at my age. I don't want this shit no more. Brian, what are you doing over there, buddy? I was trying to look up that movie. What is it about? Star Raiders.

Who was the other girl? Eric Roberts and who was the girl? I haven't found it yet. There's so many stories like that, right? Of a guy going nuts over a chick. Hey, in the sixth grade, man. That's why I got left back. Over New Yorker Reese's pussy, dog.

That pussy sent me for a loop in the sixth grade. The sixth grade. Because when you're a kid, you always see pussy in Playboy pictures and shit. Right. When you see that shit up close and personal, that's the real deal, dog. I couldn't even think. I quit karate. I stopped talking to my friends.

Just banging her. Just banging. Dry humping. I started dry humping. I would suck on her little funnel titties. And then one time, she told me she wouldn't give me a piece of pussy until the first day after school. I couldn't wait until that last day of fucking sixth grade.

But my grades were so low. Like, I always had great grades. Just going in there and listening. I didn't even have to fucking study. But all that was on my mind was banging this chick for three months. My parents caught me with her in the closet at that house, naked. It was fucking horrible. They would make me go to the bar afterward. My own mom me with her in the closet at that house, naked. It was fucking horrible. They would make me go to the bar afterward. My own mom cock-blocked me. And

then finally had to go to summer school. If you miss summer school three days, they leave you back. I fucking even cut summer school. Fuck it, this pussy. By that time, she was giving me the pussy. I didn't know what I was doing. I was just looking at it and licking it. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I was just doing little licks at it. I was hoping it wouldn't eat me. Do you remember when you first started actually having sex? How often you would have sex? It was ridiculous. And when you met a woman, you didn't care about conversation. When I was 18, I didn't want you to talk to me. I just wanted to fuck, suck, and throw you the fuck out. You barely had anything in common. No class. Barely

could communicate about anything. Nothing. Nothing. It was horrible. What a horrible fucking way to live as a fucking man. Horrible. Yeah, it's devastating, right? And I fucked in the weirdest places when I was young.

I fucked behind a Catholic school. Oh, my God. I got in trouble all the time over dumb shit like that. I remember one time I banged Renee Frank behind McKinley School. I was in the eighth grade. She was a sophomore. But I fucked her backwards. I fucked her

and then I ate her monkey. I didn't know she was a virgin. You fucked her and then you ate her pussy. I didn't know what I was doing, dog. I didn't know the fucking progress.

I fucked her and then I ate her pussy but it was cold out. So the blood froze on my face. You know what I'm saying? I had those hairs. I went home.

My mother was like, what are you, the wolf man? But then her fucking family hated Spix they were German a fucking hated Spix with a passion her brother wouldn't even talk to me in the courts and one night I got her on her balcony cuz after I fucked that she loves Spix you understand me I was looking that bloody monkey she fell in love with the Cuban and I had her outside when I finger banging her

heart and all of a sudden you know when you and I had her outside with my finger banging her hard, and all of a sudden, you know when you look, I had her on the stairs. I'm finger banging, but I'm looking at the people on the street. Her father was right behind me, dog. Watching you finger her? Fuck Joe Rogan coming out the door of the papers. Oh, my God. And he goes, are you through yet? Oh, my God.

And I fucking walked off the balcony, and I'd never seen her ever again. You should have slapped her. Are you fucking kidding me, though? She had three brothers that were fucking gorillas. I'm surprised I'm still here her ever again. You should have slapped her and then, nope. Are you fucking kidding me, though? She had three brothers that were fucking gorillas. I'm surprised I'm still here living, though.

Oh my God. The father caught you. Oh my God. You have no, and then when I caught playing hooky with that girl, the sixth grade,

because we used to go to school and then take off in the afternoons. I'd go to shop where I'd steal like a bottle of blackberry brandy,

you know what I'm saying? We'd drink a few swigs. She'd let me suck her little titties. They caught, my mother was never home in the afternoons. I'd go to shop where I'd steal like a bottle of blackberry brandy. You know what I'm saying? We'd drink a few swigs. She'd let me suck her little titties. They called. My mother was never home in the daytime, but one day my mother's home, they fucking called. So me and this girl lived catty house. Like there was a house behind mine next to her so I could just jump the fence on the corner and be in the house. Right. Her windows were open and my mom's a fucking spick fuck. She's out there yelling and screaming, open and my mom's a fucking spick fuck she's out there yelling and screaming and the mother is next door and she's like that's what happens ever since your daughter's been hanging out with my son

they stay up in that fucking room and they fuck all afternoon you must have taught him how to suck dick it was killing my mother it was killing her it was killing her so much she even brought my uncle from california one day Because they couldn't figure out What I was doing in the room So my uncle put They couldn't figure it out No they were like What the fuck is he doing

Let's go see what he's doing So my stepfather My mother My uncle came to my house My uncle put a ladder In the back of the house And he tried to climb up And shit

Meanwhile I'm dry humping I think I'm rocking A fucking world The ladder fell He's down there Adios mio Adios mio His leg fucking broke

they were taking him to the hospital I come out what's going on they're like we're fixing paint I busted them right out like a week later

my mother's like we're gonna get you that thing you did to my brother we're gonna get you you little motherfucker the thing you did to your brother

you did something my mother blamed it on me cause they were going up she blamed it on you cause this motherfucker doesn't know how to climb a ladder fucking hysterical

do you understand me what I went through with this New York Ariza girl. Now she's on Facebook and she won't talk to me. But here's the fucked up thing, right? Like two years after that. She's on Facebook. She won't talk to you.

We had a picture. I messaged her twice. I even fucking farmed her. You know what I'm saying? Farmed her. How come she won't talk to you? But here's the deal. What happened was when she was in the eighth grade,

I was a center. We weren't dating. We were friends. We all played together on the street. And I had this kid, Valentin Ferro. You know the mechanic on the block? Yeah. I had this kid.

This kid was brilliant. You brought him a stolen bicycle within 10 minutes. It was all duped up. Banana bar. You couldn't find that fucking serial number on there, even if you wanted to. But every day when I come out, he'd go, Coco, ride this bike. Tell me if it needs any help.

Hey, Coco, ride this bike. You know what I'm saying? So I would get on the bike, ride it, and go, bro, the pedals. You got to put more on the fucking pedals. It don't maneuver right. So I went around to Charles Court, and we were playing football, and I put the bicycle on the fucking floor. So we're playing football, and she's on the block with her girlfriend. She picks up the bicycle, dog, gets on it,

and starts driving the bicycle down the block. Charles Court was a loop, a complete loop. You know those streets? It's not a cul-de-sac. You go in and have the island in the middle. Right. It was a loop. So she went on this way, and we were going to catch her on this way.

So me and my buddies were going to catch her over here, and as we're going for the bike, she twists the handlebars and went over and fell. She fell. She got up. She said she was okay. She goes, I said you sure yeah we like giggling you know somebody falls when you're the fucking seventh grade you giggle she went inside the next day went to school and they pulled me on they go you hear what happened to your girl he got blood clot my fucking brain because when she hit the thing Wow so I went to the hospital whatever what happened they were like no she got blood clot couple days later

the brother heard that you know something had happened so he came to me and he goes bro what happened that day I just want to know

and it was me and my all the buddies were there her girlfriend we were all there she went away from the bicycle went over into like weeds and shit but she wasn't

bleeding or nothing bro she just hit her head she just hit her head so he always had like this. Me and him never got along. I mean, he knew I was banging his fucking sister. He heard all the stories.

So it was the weirdest Cuban house. These motherfuckers were real spicks. The father and the mother had broken up, but he was Cuban. He ain't leaving nowhere. You got to take me out with bazookas. This is my fucking house. So he stayed in the house even though she was speaking to him. He lived in the basement.

Built his own fucking apartment in the basement. Wouldn't even talk to him. Even a little hood. So when he he walked in he'd have to look at their faces this is my house me house yo pague por esta casa sorry me house i don't go nowhere my house and he wouldn't talk to the family he wouldn't talk to the family he wouldn't talk to the girl he would just talk to the boy he had a corvette you know the whole fucking deal he thought it was bad for the bunk so did the wife date new guys no the guy would go fucking crazy he'd stab motherfuckers the mother lived there the whole family lived there nice house she was like a doctor bro they had money these people had dough

that's hilarious but the funny thing was that i had gotten punished at that time and me and this kid albie were at war like i kept hearing albie wants to give you a hard time and shit so i told my stepdad one day i go dad this is what's going on, those people, that girl, and he goes, fuck them, don't worry about it, right? So one day, me and my dad, and that's the first vision I got when I went in front of the house, I had a shoot, and I was explaining to people about the house, and we had

like a little garden in the front, and the stairs, and my dad would never hide guns in the house. He would always hide them around, like if he came here to visit you, he would come a day early and put a gun outside just in case something happened. Like, he was one of those dudes. Hide a gun in a shack.

He's a bad motherfucker. This guy used to hide all the guns in his, you know, like, up the block and in his fucking plants, under the plants. But he had a gun hidden. I never knew this growing up. I would mow that lawn.

That's how good of a hider he was. He was brilliant. You'd mow that lawn and he had guns tucked away. Guns tucked under the fucking lawn. I couldn't even see him. So when they were out there with the fucking lawn, he's out there all spicked up with his white t-shirt and his big gold chain and white

shorts and white shoes and I'm out there mowing and sweating and he wouldn't even do the lawn bag. He would make me open the bag like this and he would pour the fucking shit in like the tour met me. So I see the white Corvette pull up and it's Al B and his father. And I'm like, Dad, this is the fucking guy

that was busting my balls about the New Yorker, you know. He came out, I'll never forget that. My dad just looked at him, walked into the garden, came out with the fucking.45, and he didn't even point it at him. And there were people outside barbecuing, people were out there playing, talking.

Nobody's seen the gun. He just had it in his sight, and he went, what's up? They looked at him. They walked three steps backwards. They didn't even turn to him. They got back in that Corvette. I've never seen that motherfucker again. I seen him in 93 at a Super Bowl party.

How many different times have you seen people pull guns? Fifteen. How many shoot? Three, four. Three or four. Wow. It's a fucked up feeling when you see a gun pull out because even if it's not pointed at you, dog, you think that's it. That's the end of the party.

Anything can happen. Anything can happen. That's the end of the party because it's not the guy with the gun. It's the people that charge him and how easy a trigger is half the time. You see, dog, I hear gun. Unless the dude standing in front of you got something to do with me, you never see these fat little legs move that fast. You ever see those videos online

where dudes are brawling in a hip-hop party and then someone just yells, Gun! Boom, boom. And then it just scatters. And you hear the gunshots. You see the flash. White towels everywhere.

I got nothing against shooting somebody if they're the person. It's unnecessary people that go down, and that's what kills me, a kid playing on the street. You want to shoot somebody, go in their fucking house and shoot them. If that's what you think, wait for 911 and do what you need to do. I ain't mad at you. It's the people that fucking, hey, dog, in life sometimes people,

you know, people lose their fucking mind. I know a kid one time that some guy on the street hit his kid in New Orleans. He went in his house, got a gun, and shot the motherfucker and waited for the cops. What are you going to do? There's people that feel that way about life. You know, in the South, that's why I love the fucking South. That's why I love it.

Did you see that thing with BJ Penn and Matt Hughes? He was shooting a 50-millimeter Smith & Wesson. If I could have a 50-millimeter Smith & Wesson in my fucking car, I'd walk around with my dick out. The South, though, he lives in Illinois. That's the car. I'd walk around with my dick out. He doesn't live in the South, though. He lives in Illinois. That's the South. As good as that. Listen, Chicago is Chicago.

Fuck. Chicago is Chicago. Right. Illinois is as rural as fuck. Yeah, it's country. It's country. You know what I'm saying? It's country.

So it's still kind of the South. It has that flame. Do you know who has a.50 caliber gun? Who? Anthony from Opie and Anthony. He's got a.50 caliber fucking gun that he has to go to specific places to shoot because you can't shoot it in most places. No.

But the round is like your fucking fist, man. It's goddamn Canada. You're crazy. You don't need that, but you do need it. You don't need it, but you do need it just in case shit goes down. Knowing that you can get one of those and shoot a person with that. Holy fuck. That's our fucking right to bear arms.

It's the fucking people who ruined it. I believe in that right. I love Colorado. They make my day law. I'm sitting here talking to Brian here. Check out my window. Shh. Once I see that light coming through the window, watch this.

Boom. And I call 911. What happened? You didn't have a chance to book. Why would I? It's to make my day law. I'm inviting motherfuckers. I'll put a purse in the window. You know what I'm saying? I don't give a fuck? You didn't have a chance to book. Why would I? It's to make my day law. I'm inviting motherfuckers. I'll put a purse in the window.

You know what I'm saying? I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. It's to make my day law, bitch. Like a carrot. Yeah, you know. You should have the right to protect yourself. You have the right to fucking bear arms in this country.

You hear that what's going on with the ATF now, that they're trying to pee people with medical marijuana licenses. You're not allowed to buy new guns anymore. That's why you quit, right? Yes. Yeah, I got so many messages. Again, quit weed? The fuck?

Again, you got pro and con for that. Again, I got an argument I don't for that. I don't have an argument at all. There's no argument for that. I've never wanted a son. They're just trying to slowly choke out medical marijuana. Yes. And the only reason they're trying to do it is because of the fucking pharmaceutical companies.

Those cunts. You know, this is not a representative government anymore. They represent pharmaceutical companies and giant corporations. That's who they represent. They don't represent the people anymore. And people have inalienable rights. And one of them is the right to bear arms. And a lot of people associate that with right-wing wackos and this and that. And you know what? That's a lot of it is because you never had your ass kicked. You never met crazy people. You don't respect the idea of hunting. For whatever reason, all those reasons are invalid, okay? Because I know a lot of crazy motherfuckers

and you would want to have a gun. If you knew some of the people that I knew and I've met, you'd want to have a gun. And if you knew some of the people that you met, you'd want to have a fucking gun. There's nothing wrong with, you can't fix the whole world all at once. And until that, you gotta be able to defend yourself. Handguns were made for killing. They ain't no good for nothing else.

And if you like to drink your whiskey, you might even shoot yourself. Good googly moogly. And again, the guy says it. If you drink whiskey, when was the last time you smoked a joint and said, you know what? I feel like shooting Brian today.

That would only happen if you drank tequila and shit like that or whiskey. Not Brian. I have this argument. They said that I'm wrong about the tequila. Get the fuck out of here. Was it on this podcast? Yeah. I was talking about how tequila makes me evil and angry. Well, it's a stimulant.

Really? Well, some people don't believe. Some people have this feeling that alcohol is alcohol. I think that there's different effects. For me, when I drink wine, I have a more relaxed sort of a feeling. Wine relaxes me. It might be horseshit. It might be my head.

Because it's not that strong of a difference. When I drink tequila or I drink Jack Daniels I get fired up you see me when we do jack shots before a show I'm like god damn I don't get like that when I drink a glass of wine I drink a glass of wine I don't get where I want to fucking just grab somebody and hug them and squeeze them come here you motherfucker you know but you have a shot of Jack you want to you want to squeeze people sometimes too hard i went for tequila for me i just i get evil and do you dark and it forget like black out very fast really you black out and say creepy shit tequila tequila nights are the worst nights ever that's why i'm scared did you uh did you get some sort of an argument recently with your girl when

you drunk would you have that? No. No? No. Just natural? No. Hey, did you see these, to change the subject, did you see these photos of the heads on Easter Island? They have bodies.

Look at this. Underneath? Check this out, Joey. They're just digging these things out. Yeah, look at this. Whoa. They always thought the heads were incredible.

This whole time, they didn't go deeper? No, they're just starting to do it now. Look at this. What's Easter Island? Easter Island is this crazy island that has these huge statues that they don't know how the fuck they cut these things and how the fuck they move these things into place

because they're enormous and they must weigh an incredible amount. Well, now they found that they're way bigger than they thought and they go deep, deep, deep underground. Are you sure this is not a movie viral video photos? No, no, no, this is real shit, dude. Because don't you think the first thing they would do is like, wait a second, this goes deeper down. You know, why would they ever,

like there's somebody that has to trim the hedges and he's probably like, do you know this goes deeper? Like immediately. Well, you know, I don't think they bothered. I don't think they bothered digging in to check it out because they look like, you know, they look pretty cool, but they looked like that was the statue. And I guess they just started digging deep below them.

But they have petroglyphs on them, too. It seems like there's a lot of very dumb islanders somewhere. Well, look at this. Look where, this is really cool. You see this photo? Look at the hands. See the thumbs? See the two thumbs and the fingers?

And they have petroglyphs on them where you could uh see some of the uh the stuff that's written on them it's not just one site either that's detailing this there's several sites some of them more and more detailed it's pretty interesting stuff this is another ancient civilization i don't know who the fuck built these things they're gonna be finding our shit someday is it on legit websites or oh yeah yeah yeah it's on all sorts of reps it's on a bunch of different websites this is a legit archaeological discovery i'm pretty sure well i mean it's uh it's a private research company i don't know joey diaz i saw your podcast recently you had an animated part on your podcast i thought it

was brilliant uh they took one of like a small skit on your podcast and somebody animated and it looks really good I was really happy with it Great fucking job with it really fun. Felicia's a tiger right like she did she she set that up that that yeah She's interesting. She's really good. Yeah Hey, we need to get her on the pot. Yeah. Yeah, I called her today. She didn't answer twice I called her twice see what she was doing. She was cracking. Probably.

I wanted to come to Point Star Karaoke with me last. She's coming this week. This week. Yeah. All you have to do is call her up because she was she didn't have a babysitter last week. She couldn't get the girl two nights in a row. So she's definitely going with you. She spoke about on the podcast.

Oh, I told her. Yeah. She's a really neat girl. Yeah. We'll have her on next time you come on. Have her come. Yeah. She's a great fucking.

That'd be great. I'm really happy to have her in my life. She makes me laugh because she's so sweet to my fucking asshole-ishness. Like when she tells me her real views.

She's sweet, but she's real. You know? She's super honest about everything. About sex. She was talking about how she picked up this guy and his dick was like

two Red Bull cans taped together. You should have seen the guy. If you see the guy, you will die. I believe it. No, no, no. You should have seen the guy. If you see the guy, you will die. I believe him. No, no, no. You should have seen the guy.

Nerdy guy, right? The nerdiest. Glasses, a little hot on. He was scared. He didn't really want to say much. He goes, well, that motherfucker took me home. He became an animal. He was trying to put fingers up my ass.

She said she couldn't fit her mouth over his cock. God damn. She goes, Joey, I got a big fucking mouth. And his cock was so i mean she just said it right out she just told her ass you gotta sit down i gotta tell you something she's gonna tell me about the podcast you see that guy was with you that guy had the biggest dick i ever saw in my life so good fucking hilarious and she was telling me that yeah so they animated it she animated it uh this the story of fucking that guy well there's a different guy that's her boyfriend that's hilarious so um this

is halloween and um this is an appropriate story because this is shows you how out of touch these fucking bankers are with people have you seen this story where the top u.s foreclosure law firm threw a halloween party where the staff dressed up as foreclosed upon Americans. The staff dressed up on people who lost their home. Are you serious? Yeah, look at these photos. Look at this. This was their fucking party. We'll work for food. He thinks it's

hilarious. It's a big fucking joke. They're lawyers. They put fake dirt on their face. They pretend to be winos. The whole staff dressed up as this. Look at this shit. Wow. Third party squatter I lost my home and I was never served haha

they think that's funny how fucking out of touch are they what kind of bad karma must you have just taking people's houses away kicking people's houses

left and right left and right left and right crazy you know I was thinking about what you said we were talking over the weekend about the pharmaceutical pharmaceutical prices I finally figure out Left and right, left and right, left and right. Crazy. You know, I was thinking about what you said. We were talking over the weekend about the pharmaceutical prices.

I finally figure out why they're so fucking high. Because they've got to kick back. Oh, yeah. That's a big part. Between the doctors, the politicians. I mean, you know. Oh, yeah. You're paying a lot of people. If you go to a doctor and all of a sudden he says to you after three years,

hey, you're not going to take that medication no more. I've got a better medication. And he starts filling it out. Well, they've got to pay for research and development, too. There's a lot of money involved in creating pharmaceutical drugs, too. That's amazing how much money I pay for fucking pharmaceuticals every day. Amazing. Amazing.

Yeah, and you're right. That's because they got to kick back. Kick back like a motherfucker. You know, the doctor who writes the most prescriptions of a thing gets like a cruise at the end of the fucking year. They take care of you, dog. Well, they also take the whole staff out. Yeah. Mrs. Rogan's mom's a nurse.

They take her whole staff out. They encourage you to use, you know, well, butrin or whatever the fuck they're pushing. Right, yeah. And then they'll take the whole staff to, like, a nice dinner that they can't afford or a nice steakhouse and shit. You know, it's the whole situation is fucked.

It's completely ridiculous. And the fact, and this is the number one reason why pot's illegal. The number one reason. There's illegal. The number one reason. There's a lot of money that they're throwing at all these goddamn politicians to keep pot illegal. Can't stop it, though. At this point, I don't believe you can stop it. I believe at this point the well has been broken.

Is this shit going to go down in L.A.? What are you hearing from me? I don't think it will. I think people will get so angry. You think about this Occupy Wall Street shit and Occupy LA and Occupy everywhere. They're occupying fucking Tulsa, Oklahoma now. They're occupying everywhere. Occupy Olive Garden.

Occupy Olive Garden. He has to go every fucking podcast and say Olive Garden. It's like his little joke. He thinks he's cute. Anyway, when you see how fucked up the world is and you find out that they're wasting their resources going after pot, people are just going to get even more angry. They have to be careful. At this stage, the way people are so angry and people are protesting so much and there's so much tension in the streets now, there's so much of an organized group of protesters now. They have to be real careful

about how much they try to take away because the more they do the more becomes more and more crazy and more and more people join the cause It's ain't gonna get going away. This ain't gonna be going away anytime soon. The shit's only gonna get bigger Weird, you know, it's like you wonder what is what is exactly gonna happen? How what is gonna happen with the world because it's going in a in a right now? things are going in the the craziest direction that they've ever gone the the biggest the most amount of change the most amount of fear the most amount of like people that are upset and and the most technological discoveries the the most amount of technological progress the most the craziest things like they have this new fucking laser that

they're they're creating have you read about? World's most powerful. This is the headline. Powerful laser to tear apart the vacuum of space. A laser powerful enough to tear apart the fabric of space could be built in Britain as a major, part of a major new scientific project that aims to answer some of the most fundamental questions about the universe. So some fucking crazy-ass, super-powerful laser, what does that even mean? It's going to tear apart the fabric of space? You know, what the fuck does that mean?

Mild headaches? I mean, what are they doing? What the fuck? What is this? I mean, what's going to get there first? Is it going to be people decide to blow up the Earth because they're fucking mad

that the bankers stole all the money? Or is it going to be some asshole pulls a switch on this laser that tears apart the fabric of the universe and the whole universe becomes like a balloon with a hole in it and spins around in a circle and fucking collapses in itself? What is going on, man? Every day there's something new. Every day there's something more and more great.

Every day we're hustling, hustling, hustling. Listen, every day I wake up, my feet hit, and I give thanks that a fucking other day woke up. I don't know what's going to happen. It's getting scary out there. It is, right? It's fucking scary. I didn't know until I went to Houston. Houston, from the last time I went down and this time, even when I went down there three years ago,

the oil was still booming and shit. Oil was still booming. What did you notice that was the difference? A couple of empty fucking stores. When I seen that, that was when I go, ooh. Places that I went to in Houston that are now closed. More than usual. More than usual.

What I think is crazy is that Brandon Walsh, we did that podcast with him the other day, and the other two comics that he had on, they were talking and like three out of four of us had been robbed by gunpoint. And we're like, that's crazy. In L.A.? All of them were in L.A. except Brendan. Wow. He got robbed in Cleveland, right? Yeah, Cleveland, Ohio.

I know that that's the next move. I know that burglaries are going to go up. That's the next move. They have to. Unemployment, that's the next fucking move. know that burglaries are going to go up. That's the next move. Once you're out of unemployment, that's the next fucking move. Yeah, they have to. That's what happens. People start robbing people because they're broke and they're fucking scared. They need something.

Fuck. That's amazing. People getting robbed and stuff at gunpoint. That's it. That's it. That's why you got to have a fucking piece in your house at night. Because it's like anything else. A horse and a sword. That's what anything else. A horse and a sword.

That's what I want. A horse and a sword. You wouldn't even be able to carry a sword. And if you rode a horse, you'd get scared. You'd fucking fall off like I do. I'd just jump off a fucking horse. I'm so scared of them. Yeah, I got bucked off a horse last time by squeezing too hard.

I guess if you squeeze too hard when you're on there. You'd get scared. Yeah, but I was scared because I was a kid. And I squeezed too hard and bucked right off. And then that same day, my sister touched an electric fence and she was like seven. And I was like, I think we should stop going to farms. Your sister touched an electric fence and she was seven? Yeah, and she shot back. Holy fuck.

It was a bad day at the farm. How did that not kill her? Because they're not that strong. Yeah, it's kind of like, I mean, it will shock you. It's option, but nothing. You've touched one, Joey? I've touched something similar where they'd shock you with shit. Yeah.

Fucking. Yeah, it definitely wakes you up. Yeah, that's scary as fuck, dude. An electric fence with six? How old was she? Like seven. Fuck. Yeah.

You would think that would kill a kid. Electric fences are nuts. Stay off my land. You can touch the fence, I'm gonna fucking kill you. Is it mostly for animals? For the farms, yeah. So like, animals won't sneak in or sneak out. Really? They get kind of trained to

avoid it. That makes sense, I guess. You want to keep your fucking animals. I love how some people, especially Texas, this is real common, they have what's called a high fence compound, and they have all their animals, like wild animals this is real common, they have what's called a high fence compound, and they have all their animals, like wild animals, on this compound, and they just run around shooting them all year round.

Shoot them whenever. Like, Ted Nugent has a spot like that. He had a spot like that in Michigan, and now he's got a spot like that in Texas. I love it. He lives on this fucking giant piece of property. He's got like 1,000 acres, and he's got all these fucking animals running around his property. So he gets on his fucking four-wheel drive, goes out to a spot, waits in a tree, sees a deer walk by, shoots a hole in it, takes it home and eats it. That's fucking beautiful.

Fuck a supermarket, you know? Fuck a supermarket when you got your own ecosystem in your backyard. That's the shit, dude. If you could have a spot like that where you got your own lake in the backyard and your own like hunting spot, how cool would that be? Would you not love that? It doesn't look for me. I can't kill a fucking animal even if I wanted to. You couldn't kill an animal. No.

But you'd love a good steak. Listen, I know the end of the world is coming. Just don't tell me. Listen, you couldn't kill cows or you couldn't kill cats. You couldn't kill dogs. But you couldn't kill a cow. Dog. I need that. Did you couldn't kill a cow. Dog. I need that.

Did you hear about that guy that lived off? I need that in my life to look at an animal on the floor. Yeah. At any level. At any level. It's unfortunate, but that's how they have to die. That's the only way. I mean, it's not like they're going to live forever if you don't do that.

No, and it's the ecosystem is the way to live. I've seen, I've been with people when they shot a deer or an elk and to drag them. You know what? That's great, man. I got nothing against you. I can't do it. But I've been with people when they shot a deer or an elk and to drag them. You know what? That's great, man. I got nothing against you. I can't do it. You can't do it?

I can't see it. Really? I don't think I'd have any problem doing it. I tell people when I'm driving down the street and I see a bag on the road from a mile away, I crink up. Thinking it's a puppy or something like that? Yeah. Those are the stories that drive me the most fucking nuts when you hear about someone throwing a puppy out of a car. I fucking crinkle up Jesus Christ

all that shit crinkles me the fuck up you know what I mean horses I'm scared of horses I don't want to hear about you shooting a fucking horse

I don't want to fucking see it the most disturbing thing ever to me was when I watched that thing on 20 HBO sports when they were

doing a dog fight and the guy goes you know what the dog's a piece of shit or whatever you gotta put him on and they walked doing a dog fight and the guy goes, you know what, the dog's a piece of shit or whatever, you gotta put him on and they walked him

into the weeds and you heard and he walked back giggling. I had to turn it off. I was really a fucking puke, man. It's horrible. Did you hear about that guy that lived off a roadkill

for 30 years from the UK? What? 44-year-old guy lived only off a roadkill for 30 years and he would cook like badger soup,

raccoon stew, like whatever he can find every day is what he ate off a roadkill. Did years and he would cook like badger soup raccoon stew like whatever he can find every day is what he ate off a roadkill did you get an article on this guy yeah it's on uh cnn huffington post all he ate was roadkill yeah his name is uh jonathan mccohen really yeah jesus christ so he just took it into his house Rats, mice, foxes, owls, pigeons, moles, snakes, peasants. Yep. He ate roadkill for 30 years. Oh my God. Yeah. There's a picture of him or a video of him on CNN and the back of his car, he has this little

Saturn with this deer hanging out of the back of his car that he found on the side of the road. Well, I know that a lot of people will find a deer that got hit by a car and they'll shoot that or rather they'll cook that. They'll take a deer that got hit by a car and they'll gut'll shoot that or they're rather they'll cook that they'll take a deer they're gonna hit by a car and they'll they'll gut it and take it home because you know that is as long as you know when that thing got hit you know as long as you can go to it and it's not it has been sitting in the sun for a couple days now what's the deal with it when you

go hunting in colorado because this is where i got everything all the knowledge i got about it was in colorado and people say that when you come up on a deer, if you shock him, he releases that thing and the meat's tougher. Like, I don't know what the breakdown was. Say that again? Okay. They would say that if the deer got, he died a weird death or something. Like if he got a lung shot and he hit a run and, you know, he didn't die quick.

Oh, he released testosterone, the meat gets hard. Adrenaline. It's adrenaline. Adrenaline, I'm sorry. And then if you shoot him with a bow and arrow, because I had friends that were bow and arrow. They were dangerous people. They were bow and arrow guys. Those are some dangerous.

Those are the most dangerous people I've met. Those motherfuckers are dangerous. Why is that? Because they can shoot you with a bow and arrow. They can shoot you with a piece. They show up with a bow and arrow first. The piece is second. The piece is second.

So if they don't get you at 30 yards, they're going to get you at 50. So does that supposedly make the meat taste less good, the bow and arrow? You know what? I don't want the listeners to get pissed at me. I don't know the exact specifics. Somebody from the south or somebody who knows what's going on. Where's Matthews if you're fucking listening? I guarantee you there's a bunch of people on Twitter that know about hunting with bows

and arrows. I love Boulder. You love Boulder. You love the people of Boulder. Loved it. I lived in Boulder in 1985 and I moved up to the hill. I don't even think I told you about these stories. I met these guys up on the hill. They were Vietnam vets. They sold weed or whatever. Some of them were hippies and some of them were guys

that looked like us, straight up. I became friends with a guy whose name was Ed. And we would go to Vietnam. You know, we became friends. I was lonely out there. I was 85. I was 21. And I would go with him to the vet center and get his meds.

And, you know, and then after a while, he introduced me to another vet. And I would meet them. And you know how you, when I had a problem with my ex-wife and her husband, you know, these were my friends. Just because they were crazy or whatever they had gone through, I respected them, bro. They went over there at fucking 16. You know what I'm saying? They were there until they were 24. Bodies.

They would tell me the stories. And these guys were living in hell. I knew it, but I couldn't turn my back on them. They were my friends, you know? Right. And it's funny. Oh, you used to encourage me, Joey, you got to get healthy. These guys were encouraging me to kill this motherfucker.

You understand? You know, like when you see somebody go somebody go joey man you look like they were like dog did you think about what i told you like i couldn't shake him right that one guy the one uh not ed but his partner that guy specialized he used to show me after we meditate i take him up to the uh uh the one canyon i'm sorry with the words. Sunshine? One of those canyons. Let's have? One of those fucking canyons.

This motherfucker was hitting targets with a bow and arrow that you would dream about even seeing. Really? And he would tell me, dog, whenever you want to kill this motherfucker, but he told me, I go, how are you going to kill him?

I don't know nothing about no bow and arrow. He's got, you're going to have to kill him. I don't know how to, I go, I don't want to kill him with no gun. He goes, in Boulder, we don't need guns. That's what I told you. He goes, we'll take him up to the mountains,

we'll slice his fucking thigh and we'll rub him down with maple syrup and peanut butter. In two days, a bear, they'll only find the elbow because the bears

don't eat the elbow joint and maybe a tooth if he's sick of eating. These guys were serious and every time I'd see them, they're like, dog, did you think about

that motherfucker right now? He's fucking your ex-wife. Right now, he's hugging your daughter. I mean, they were like, and I love these guys were serious and every time I'd see them they're like dog did you think about that motherfucker right now he's fucking your ex-wife right now he's hugging your daughter I mean they were like and I love these guys because they were right they were like

you know these guys were by the book but they were Vietnam vets so they didn't want you to kill them they wanted you to let them bleed out oh these motherfuckers

but that one guy Joe when you seen this guy with an arrow your heart would steal like this is a dangerous guy this is army train green ber Beret, Army fucking hand-to-hand. He was a Rambo. He was a modern day.

When they got hot, that's who they let out with a helicopter. He was missing two fingers. The back of his calf got blown up. The whole fucking deal. But his face was still intact. We're getting a lot of those guys back now. We're getting a lot of those guys now from Iraq and Afghanistan. I've been meeting

a lot of those guys after shows, man. A lot of guys that are limping on canes and shit. A dude the other day at the Ontario Improv showed me this giant hole that was taken out of his leg. Holy fuck, man. Can you imagine how lucky we are, man? And I'll tell you, I was thinking about it this morning. He's a podcast fan,

by the way. That dude, whatever your name is. You know who the fuck I made, dog. You bad motherfucker. That was one of my mistakes not joining the service. Really? One of your mistakes? Look at you. You turned out Joey Diaz.

You wouldn't have turned out Joey Diaz if you went to the service. I would have been a 40-year-old. You would have been disciplined. I would have been a 40-year-old Joey Diaz on a nice pension. I would have learned how to blow fucking people up. I would have had a passport instead of not having a fucking passport. I would have been in Japan.

Does it bother you, the passport thing? Fuck yeah. I would have been in Japan right now. I'm going to England this weekend with Duncan. I'm going to get a piece of sushi

up my asshole. What? On route. On route to go stab somebody. If I knew how to blow nine motherfuckers up like man on fire, I'd go for the last bathhouse

of the fucking year. 20 chicks licking my toes and my ass. Yeah, you'd also have seven Vietnamese kids, too. Who gives a fuck? I'm going to kill somebody. You understand me? They'd drop me out of a fucking helicopter.

You would want to do that? What are you talking about? You know why I didn't go to the service, bro? Because I didn't want to take the blood test. You didn't want to take the blood test? I did the paperwork and everything. How come you don't want to take the blood test? Are you fucking kidding me?

At that age, I wouldn't even allow you to fucking touch me with a needle. Really? Yeah. Once I had no supervision, I didn't go back to the blood test? Are you fucking kidding me? At that age, I wouldn't even allow you to fucking touch me with a needle. Really? Yeah. Once I had no supervision, I didn't go back to the doctor until I was 30-something, dog. Really? Yeah. I did all my own dental work. I did everything.

What? I used all your teeth. I ripped out with a fucking wrench with Jack Daniels or doodles. What? I don't like needles, dog. Wait a minute. You didn't know about that? That's why I went to the...

Oh, my God. Why do you think I went back to acupuncture? I want to eliminate... Why do you think I started going to acupuncture? Because I want to eliminate my fear of needles. I was telling you that I'm going to have to go for a cortisone shot. So you had cavities because you weren't brushing your teeth.

No, I never had. I always brush my teeth. So why did you have to pull your teeth out? Because I wouldn't go to the dentist. I just let the cavity go because I wouldn't want to go to the dentist. I just let the cavity go. Because I wouldn't want to go to the dentist because of my fear for needles. So you pulled it out with a plier and jacked it out? I didn't get a blood test from the time I was 14 to maybe. Can you imagine sitting there with a pair of pliers pulling your fucking teeth out?

To the time I was 14. I walked around for a year with an abscess. The tooth was missing. And I'd go up to people I hated at the comedy store. And it would swell. And I'd press it, and I'd go up to people I hated at the comedy store, and it would swell, and I'd press, and it'd shoot out at people I hated at the comedy store. You know, you can die from that shit. I walked around for a year. Oh, my God.

That's why you can't drive without a driver's license either. They go into it. Sometimes it has infections that go to your brain. Listen to me. It got this big, and I went up to that seat of Sinai, and the doctor just opened one of them up and went in his fucking face like the exorcist. Oh, my God. I never came back.

And then, little by little, I became friends with Dr. Waxler, and little by little, he talked me into it. You know what was the process that goes into when I get a blood test? What? There's a process, bitch. This ain't just Joey Diaz ripping up his arm. What's the process? It's fucking horror.

A lot of tears, a lot of horny cats. It's three days of horror. He knows it's three days of horror. What is the problem? Oh, it fucking kills me. It's fucking horrid. A lot of tears, a lot of horny cats. He knows it's three days of horror. What is the problem? Oh, it fucking kills me. It's his snake if he was Indiana Jones. I don't like fucking needles. I don't want them by me.

And I went for a year to acupuncture. I would faint every two times. Really? Oh, God, yeah. Especially when I'd see her put the fucking needle in my chest. I'd drop. I hurt my knee because I fainted in acupuncture. That doesn't do anything.

Nothing. No, there's some people. There was a girl I dated, though. Her dad was a dentist. And her dad would faint when he saw anything bloody. Like, his daughter came back from the beach. They were at the beach and they got sunburned. And they got sunburned to the point where the kid had blisters.

She had blisters on her head. Dad sees it, falls down unconscious. Fucking falls down at the beach unconscious. He was a dentist. He couldn't see anyone get a needle. And her and I were in the movies once, and she was watching in the movie, the guy shot himself up with heroin, and she blacked out. I fainted at Pulp Fiction when she stuck the needle

in the guy's arm. He's gonna have to put a milk gun in my mouth. I fainted when Joe Daddy Stevenson bought BJ Penn on the couch in my house. I fainted at my house and woke up two hours later fucking, oh, it was horrible. I fainted at Pearl, at the Palm. You took me and Ralphie May. And somebody had a bloody towel, and I said, stitch with the bloody towel. That's all I had to say.

Really? I went down. Thank God there was a doctor next to me. They picked me up a little bit. The U.S. said I was embarrassed. I thought they were going to go get you. And they picked me up a little bit and they gave me water

and I was fucking fine. What evolutionary reason would there be for you to black out and see something shocking? What's the cause of that? Then the best one was when I got locked up and went to prison.

I'm in a tube with 80 guys and they're like, dog, you know what? You have to go get a blood test today. And I'm like, that's it. I'm in a tube with 80 guys and they're like, dog, you know, you have to go get a blood test today. And I'm like, that's it. I'm going to fucking

get my blood test, wake up with a dick in my ass. It's over. So I fucking thought about it. I didn't talk to nobody. I just worked myself up the way I do before a set.

I can't faint your tears. You can't faint your cocoa. You're from North Bergen. Get your shit together. Didn't even let you lay down. I had to go in one of those school chairs. You stood up. Sat down?

Sat down. With the chair, with the school chair, with the thing. And I looked the other way. Boom. I went into the tube. All these black dudes. What up? What up? What up? What up? I didn't faint. I was like, fuck. I evolved. I got up. I put my arm down. I picked up the cotton ball, the little red dot. Boom. Down like a bad fucking

habit, dog. I went to the dentist with Terry three years ago to get a fucking root canal. Down like a bad fucking habit, dog. I went to the dentist with Terry three years ago to get a fucking root canal. All of a sudden, you hear, Terry's like, that's my husband. You see him coming with the oxygen and shit. I didn't even see the needle. I just tasted the blood. And you blacked out.

Here's the deal. So why aren't you like periods? When girls are on periods, it doesn't help you out. That's the biggest open wound ever. Listen to me. When I was 16, I took Helene Ketter home one night. I was desperate.

Helen Keller? Cute girl. She sucked my dick at a picnic. When we were like 16, I was in love. I took her home one night. I took her panties off. She had a Kotex on. And I went like this.

You know like when a tongue comes out when you go to a haunted house? Right. When I pulled the panties off, the Kotex, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. And I seen this thing with that line of blood, and I fainted. She woke up. She woke me up a little while later. A little while later. And then I was like, what happened?

That's the time they went into a first aid kit. You know those corollary things? She put one in each nostril. Oh. She went into a fucking first aid kit a first aid kit because of a oh my god

I fainted she put one in each fucking nostril I was telling these guys this story the other day when I was in Seattle one time and the stripper

I was with her at the beach at this little lake and I was working her monkey with a wine cooler right and I'm working

her monkey she's going for it her hips are moving and I got that bottle of wine cooler up her pussy up her pussy and I'm working it with the and I'm working that little monkey and I'm working her body. She's going for it. Her hips are moving. And I got that bottle of the chick. Up her pussy. Up her pussy.

And I'm working it with the bottle. And I'm working that little monkey. And I'm getting all excited. And when you see a bottle of the chick's pussy, I don't care. Even if you're a Catholic. Even if you're a Christian. Your dick's going to get hard. That's a complete different animal.

And I'm just working the clit with the bottle. The suction got a hold of the pussy. And all of a sudden, the period came out of it. It shot in the bottle like a string. And I just thought I had cut her. So I dropped. I dropped, Jack.

And let me tell you something, that's two times I fucked a woman. That was the one time and that girl when I was 16. Never again. When a woman says

that's her area, I don't even look. Really? That, yeah, store is closed. Don't worry about it. I only want a couple. So no periods?

No. See, I haven't grown the older I get the more I don't care anymore. No. I used to be the same way and now I don't give a shit. No, no, no, no. That's disgusting. I don't want to, I haven't grown the older I get, the more I don't care anymore. No. I used to be the same way now.

I don't give a No, no, no, that's disgusting. I don't want to pick a klutz up from my team. I picked up a chick in Boston

one time. I started, I had a real 93. I took her back to the wholesale, started nailing

her. I fucking turned the lights on. There was blood everywhere. I went down and she was

a soldier. She was home on leave. This bitch was stabbed like, bitch,

let's go into combat zone here. You fell asleep? You blacked out? I blacked the fuck out zone you fell asleep you blacked out I blacked the fuck out

though I always blacked and here's the worst thing like if I could be next to you and you could fight somebody

and you could bleed a little bit and I could see gross shit it's as soon as I see a little bit of blood on my shirt or something

that thing with BJ Penn Daddy Stevenson when I see puddles the other day I had to turn the TV off when Nate Marquardt hit Chael Sonnen with an upward elbow at one point. You could see the blood dropping from Chael Sonnen's eye. I can't see.

That's the shit that kills me. That night I took the ass out of the UFC. I'm like, please, Lord, don't let nobody get beat up bad tonight. Don't rip me out of here with a fucking sky ambulance. After I took it, I remember, I go, oh no. It's crazy you could put your finger in a girl's asshole,

pull out aluminum foil, and stick your dick back in there, no problem. But there's any period blood. If I would have pulled the aluminum foil out of her ass and a little blood came out, I would have dropped right there. They would have had to fucking wake me up with aluminum in my fingers. That also explains

why he always gets his steaks well done. Yeah, I don't like nothing. Oh, yeah, you get your steak well done. Nothing like that. Well, I just don't like the taste of blood on my dish. When I was a kid, that's something, bro, my mom made her dish

more less done than you. You're out of the vampire club. You know how Cubans call it? Weta, weta. What's that? You know what that means? What? Psst.

Psst. Done. Wetaeta weta. What's that? You know what that means? What? Psst. Psst. Done. Weta weta. What does the word mean? Turn, turn. Weta means spin. Turn, turn.

That's it. Weta weta. So just braise it on the outside. Braise it. Yeah. Two minutes. Really?

Done. Pink, red, disgusting. Wow. Like what they call now, what do they call it now? You pay like $80 for it, not sashimi.

Oh yeah, tartar. Tartar, it not sashimi oh yeah tartar yeah my mother that shit by the way don't go to a bad place to get it that's easily the one of the most way easiest way to get uh food poisoning oh shit no shit i got it the other day for me you got did you eat tartar tartar for meeting tartar how do you know you got it from that though because immediately me and my girlfriend got sick like two hours after we left. Where did you eat steak tartare? Fucking, I forget the name of it. Firefly?

You know, you're fucking from Ohio. You're not supposed to be eating steak tartare. Don't let me tell you again. I never heard about it. I didn't even know what it was. I've had it before. I've had it. It doesn't taste that good.

Steak tastes good when the outside is cooked. You know, that's when it tastes good. I like medium rare. That, to me, is perfect. That's good. I could do a medium rare. The outside is brown and juicy's when it tastes good. I like medium rare. That to me is perfect. That's good. I could do a medium rare. The outside is brown and juicy and you slice into it. That's how a steak is supposed to be cooked. You get plenty of rare meat in the middle, but the outside cooked is what gives it that fucking delicious flavor. Steak tartare is very mild. There's not that much

flavor to it. Really rare steak, like a piece of filet mignon, if you cut out the outside of it and just have the red part, it's not that flavorful. The real flavor comes from the outside being cooked and all the fat melting and all that shit. That's where the real flavor of the meat comes in. Can you imagine Joe Rogan, me as a UFC fighter, beating you up? And then you get cut and you just black out. No, if he cuts and I'm on the bottom and he bleeds black out,

just a little bit of drop. He just drops out. Now I know if I ever get in a fight with Joey Diaz, I'm just going to pick my nose really hard until it starts bleeding. You know what I'm saying? Just punch yourself in the nose. How fucking weird is that? It's those little, and I should correct myself, it's those drops.

When you watch the UFC, when Stitch has a towel and they throw it to the side, oh, God. You know what you should do? Punch yourself in the nose and then blow your nose on him. That would be like a maze. I would just faint. I would just faint and pass out and puke probably.

Listen, man, I have no problem with blood and I'd certainly, well, obviously I don't. Otherwise, I couldn't be doing what I do and I have no problem with period blood. That's never bothered me. Now, would you eat pussy with period blood?

Fuck yeah. I don't give a shit. No! I don't give a fuck. I'm an animal. What about a girl swallows your cum and then wants to kiss you? I don't give a fuck.

She swallowed my blood. I'll kiss her. So it doesn't matter even if it's been on your body for like three seconds? I'll be fine. I don't care. fuck. I'm an animal. What about a girl swallows your cum and then wants to kiss you? I don't give a fuck. She swallowed my butt. I'll kiss her. So it doesn't matter even if it's been on your body for like three seconds? I don't care. So wait a second. Once my dick is hard, I'm crazy, man. My dick is hard. Let's go back to this because I've never done this.

So I've got to ask you guys questions. Okay, so a girl once in Miami told me to lick a clit. When I pulled it off, I seen the little fuse. And I put the pants back on. Yeah. And she goes, no, go, go, go. It's really different. It's the third day. She goes, it It's really different. It's the third day.

She goes, it's the third day. That's the best day. And I'm like, what are you talking about? She's like, the third day. And I'm like, I don't even know what she was talking about.

What does that mean? I don't know. Third day of her period. So the third day means it's probably not as thick, but it's more of an oil-based period blood. Oil-based?

Oh, God. I might fucking faint just listening to that. Oh, God. It's like vinaigrette dressing. It's like Vinnie Grant dressing. It's like that black blood that comes out of you. Yeah. Sometimes it's really dark.

It's like when you go to Wood Ranch. It's in the back. French salad. Yeah. It's from the stuff in the back in the corner that's now just falling off the walls of the vagina. What a weird situation. The whole thing just bleeds every 28 days. What the hell is that?

It doesn't die. What a shitty. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We got to back this up, guys. Okay. So the third day, you take the underwear off, and they got a cigar sticking out of their pussy, and you eat their pussy when the fuse is sticking out.

Let's get back to this. No, no. You pull it out, suck on it, and put it on the side. Brian, I'll fucking strangle you right now, cocksucker. Stop being a retard, bro. You're killing me with that shit. Just tell me the truth. I need this knowledge.

No, you take it out. I'd lick a pussy. I'd eat a clit. But do you leave the cigar in? No, no, no. I'll pull it out. I'll take it in. Do you ever work with the cigar? No, I don't play with it. I don't use it as a sex toy. Oh, God. Oh, my. That might get sick. I know.

Oh, God. So, are you popping it out? Honestly, it's usually not that bad. If you fuck her, then it starts to come out on your dick a bleeding out no it's usually you know honestly it's usually not that bad like it's like if you fuck her then it starts to come out on your dick a little but it's not like you you take it out and it just blood starts going everywhere it's more like it's just deep in there have you ever tasted monkey yeah it just tastes like coins yeah sure oh it's like coins it goes like on a quarter yeah it tastes very copper like yeah it's not that bad it's just

blood what's the difference between blood and pussy? Actually. Pussy liquid. You know, it's all liquids. Saliva. You're swapping spit. You're shooting loads in your mouth. It's fucking blood.

That's the nucleus of the nucleus. The nucleus of the nucleus. That's the whole patois. The liquid of life. It doesn't matter. And what is it like? This girl was telling me

that when you fuck her on that period, it's tremendous. Yeah, they love it. It feels good. Does it feel good for us, too? Well, that's why. It's juicier. It's warmer, it's tremendous. Yeah, they love it. It feels good. Does it feel good for us, too? Well, that's why. It's juicier.

It's warmer, too. It's more like a warm juice. It gets sloppy. Yeah, sometimes it gets sloppy. Sometimes there's blood everywhere. Yeah. Like a goddamn fucking crime scene. Yeah, so my mom would keep the sheets every year for Halloween that she accidentally spotted

on, and that would be the ghost outfit. So, like, I always looked like a ghost that got shot. Look at Joe Rogan. He's working his material again this fuck. This motherfucker wrote that. You can tell when he works material. His lips quiver. And he's like, please get this out good.

I just want to make sure I get this out good. That's not material. That's extra true. And it's material as well. And it would always be like the ghost outfit was like yellow on one side, red on the other side. Hey, at least you didn't tell me Japanese flag. If you would have said Japanese flag, I would have fucking thrown something at him because everybody

hit you with that japanese flag yeah like it's a white flag with a red dot in the middle so a lot of people say welcome to my bathroom my wife was in there it looked like a japanese flag i've never heard that yeah you're right uh steve mcgrew does it oh it's a bit it's a it's a joke okay then i've heard other people do it isn't he one of those guys that went to england became an english comedian is he one of those guys that went to England and became an English comedian? Is he one of those? Steve McGrew? Is that what I'm talking about? Funny guy.

No, Denver guy originally. Yeah? A lot of guys do that though, right? They go to England. Always missed the boat, Steve McGrew. He's very funny. He writes a lot. He's the real deal.

Always missed the boat, huh? In what way? He moved to Houston as Kennesaw was going to LA. Oh. He moved to Denver as Blue Conn of comedy was blowing up. So he's always been, I thought he was always the original guy. When I first got into comedy, Steve was the king of Denver, hands down, Roseanne had left, and Steve was the next big thing.

He had to look, they would go see him, they would go see him, they would go watch him, you know, all of Roseanne's people were there. I mean, Roseanne became a big comic out of there, but there were two other people that followed that became huge writers in Hollywood. Big deals at Disney. Created a bunch of shows. A lot of them didn't stick around. I forget what their names

are, but that was a great scene back then. And then all the underlings were great writers because that was what the guy with the hooks is from Denver. Yeah. What the hell's his name? One Hook. One Hook.

God damn it. I don't remember his name. He's a great writer. Very funny guy, too. Todd George from Denver. Great writer. You know, it was just so... Rick Kearns.

Great. These guys were great fucking writers, man. You know? Denver was a great scene. It's still a great scene. There's not that many scenes, man. There's not that many comedy scenes. Austin has a scene.

San Francisco has a scene. Denver has a nice scene. There's not that many scenes, man. There's not that many comedy scenes. Austin has a scene. San Francisco has a scene. Denver has a nice scene. Boston, I guess, still has a little bit of a scene, but not really. Get holding on to Dear Life. Dear Life. I feel so bad because it was the birthplace. They're one of the best. One of the best places of all time. When I was there in the 1980s,

I, to this day, say, is one of the best comedy club communities in the history of stand-up comedy. It was the late 1980s in Boston. It was a monster scene. It was monstrous. Here's the deal. The comics should take over that city. Yeah.

Try. Just set up. It's hard. It's hard. They need a leader. They need a whole new movement down there. I guess there's some guys putting it together. I think they've got some new club in Faneuil Hall.

Didn't you hear about that? I didn't know Rich Voss was playing at it. Tim McIntyre's club, I believe. So there's still talented guys there. There's a few guys, but, man, it's just not what it used to be. Anything about Patrice O'Neal, anybody? I haven't heard anything. Anything online?

I just heard it's bad. It's a bad stroke. I don't know any details. And what about Ralphie May? Is Ralphie out there? Just while I'm here in the hospital this morning, I heard my prayers go out

to him and his family. I just heard that he's in ICU in Tampa and his wife, his dad, was in a call tonight. What happened? He had pneumonia? Pneumonia on the ship.

He was saying on his Twitter that he's been having pneumonia for a long time. Every time I looked at his Twitter, I was like, he still has pneumonia? What the fuck? He was saying on his Twitter that he's been having pneumonia for a long time. Every time I looked at his Twitter, I was like, he still has pneumonia? What the fuck? He was in the infirmary

on the ship. So he went on the ship to do comedy with this guy that's a big radio. He's like the Howard Stern of Tampa. He has that area. What's the guy's name?

I think Bullhead. Cowhead. Cowhead. Cowhead's radio. They do a cruise. I guess he got sick on the cruise. Cowhead. Wow. Man Cow? No, Cowhead. Cowhead. Cowhead's radio. They do a cruise. I guess he got sick on the cruise. Cowhead. Wow.

Man Cow or Cowhead? No, Cowhead. Is Man Cow still on in Chicago? No, Man Cow is not on in Chicago anymore. I don't think. I think he was on the internet. He had some sort of internet thing going on now. I don't know what's going on with that guy.

I used to follow him on Twitter, but I haven't seen any of his shit in a while. So they said that he had a blood clot in his leg this morning. That's the last thing they told me about Ralphie. How dangerous is it? Like I said, I got it from three horses. I got it from messages. So once I get it from Ralphie, I'm going to say what's wrong or what's not wrong. Well, you look at a guy like Patrice, and he's obviously physically really big

and definitely overweight and not healthy, but Ralphie's bigger than him. Is Ralphie bigger than him now? Oh, yeah. Ralphie's bigger than Patrice. You've seen Patrice? Patrice never got as big as Ralphie. Patrice's a big fucking guy. I thought Patrice was a lot taller.

Yeah? Yeah, Patrice is a lot taller. Yeah. He's from Boston originally. Yep. Him and Bill Burr are the last wave. They're the last wave of talented guys to leave Boston.

I mean, I'm not saying those guys couldn't come out of there right now still and make it, but Patrice and Bill Burr were the last guys that I was hearing them out. They were like a little bit after me, after I'd left. You know, we're all going to go, Joey. So it's a matter of prolonging this experience and staying as healthy as possible while you're enjoying this experience but the way Patrice is going we're all going to go eventually

you ready to go not yet no I'm not ready yet I I have work to do I have a lot of shit to do here I'm still not done and I have kids and i like them i like hanging around with them you know that you know that's the only like i know you you've always been pretty open about your opinions about space and satellites and all the other stuff and it's weird like as i was growing up i didn't have time to think of a lot of things you know like i had my mind focused on how to rock and roll every day how to survive but there's one thing that's always intrigued me and that's rock and roll every day. How to survive.

But there's one thing that's always intrigued me and that's the day before. You know, what do you feel the week before? When you know you're going to die. Yeah,

like you just feel that I just want to know that, you know, you always talk about time machines. I see all this technology. I wish I had a time machine

for one day. You always heard that. People say, I wish I had 10 years back. I wish I had it for one day just to be a kid again just to have that feeling to run around to see those people i come right back and probably ice myself or something that's the only but i always wonder what happens when you close your eyes like where the do you go oh wow that always intrigues the out of me right wow oh wow oh, oh wow, oh wow is what Steve Jobs said. Those are his last words. Last words.

Oh wow, oh wow. That's when the DMT kicked in. Welcome to the iPhone 4 and a half. It's crazy because it's so weird how the DMT works. You ever hear stories like I heard a friend of mine, oh, his mom was going to die. She goes, open the curtains. Let me go join my grandfather. You know, people always say, well, you had a spiritual experience.

Duh, that's a DMT, you dumb motherfucker. You've known about these people all your fucking life. You know they're out there, so now that's a DMT taking you. Well, we know your brain makes the craziest shit

that you could take. That's pretty weird that your own human body makes the strongest psychedelic drug known to man. Your own body makes it. Like, what purpose is that? Why would your body make that?

Well, it's crazy. It's a chemical doorway. Now, somebody was telling me, I think it's rabbits. Rabbits have something naturally that before they get attacked by a hawk or an animal, Quackers? Their body goes into some thing that puts them in like a euphoric state. Really? So they know they're gonna go if if they

have it i feel like all animals and even us we have to have it in a way it's probably part of life it's probably you know one day we'll probably find out that what life is is just a a brief experience and an infinite number of experiences that This one type of reality, this one dimension, life, human life as we exist in right now, on this planet, in this solar system, is really just a part of an infinite number of different experiences. And this is just one of them. And the next one might be something completely outside of your body. It might be some crazy dimension of infinite geometric patterns. And then the next one might be something different. It might be a constant cycle. We don't know.

Did you ever feel something? Did you think about something and feel something that was strong about you? Did you ever think you were here before? Do you ever think in your mind? It's possible. It's possible that you live your life over and over and over again. Just as possible as it is to live your life, it's just as possible that you might live the exact same life over and over again. Who knows? We literally might live it over and over again until we get it right. Did you think you were? Like, I always think in the back of my mind.

Seriously. Yeah. Three guys in the fucking room. I'm telling you what I thought I was before this. I think I was a Roman fucking soldier. Really? Just something about that time that's always fucking made me weak. Bro, you know why

I don't go to church? Why? I like religion. It's something. It's a door. I like when I lived in Boulder. I went to the Roper Institute. I enjoyed all those readings. I enjoyed the Buddhist religion. It's very interesting. The thing that's always killed me is the 12 stations of the cross.

That thing in the church always has killed me. I don't know what that is. It's the last steps of Jesus, how he got fucking beat up, and he stopped, and Mary Magdalene wiped his face, and they hit him with a stick. That's always really, I don't know why. That feeling has always made me feel like, I could say I was a cowboy in the previous life.

So you really feel like at one point in time, you lived in the Roman Empire. Like a Roman fucking empire. I don't know. Like whenever I hear the word Caligula, I don't like it. It means orgy,

whatever the fuck it meant in that movie, whatever. But it's like I heard it before. Like when I heard it, it didn't... Well, you know, there's a lot of people that believe that memories

pass down through genetics and that's why you're afraid of certain things as a kid. Like, you know, like little kids are always scared of monsters and the reason is that a long time ago you know when we were monkeys you were people were getting eaten left and right by Jaguars so what are you scared of you were

scared of something in the night that has big teeth ah why because it's cats you know and some people would get away from those big cats and survive and then they would retain those memories and those memories literally be transferred from their DNA into the next generation. You're on fire today. Makes sense, right? The same thing goes. I talked to somebody who said, I know why you, and this is, I always thought I was a Roman soldier.

But this is where it sealed it. Somebody said to me that that thing you have with blood is a mechanism. And I looked it up. A mechanism. A mechanism that my body used because my ancestors were warriors. And that was a mechanism they used. When people came and slayed them, they were made to believe from the blood they would pass out. It was a reaction.

And the soldiers thought they were dead. I fucking swear. I forget the name of it. I went and looked it up. That's hilarious. So many people around you were killed by swords. And when you see blood, you just black out. You just black the fuck black the fun that's how

a few people would survive they would survive what a fucked up thing for somebody to say to me i was like wow wow and i went home going holy fuck i definitely gotta smoke weed by two o'clock because that was deep and shit because i tell people i always want bro you want to overcome your fears we all do you know i hated heights I became a fucking roofer in college. I don't give a fuck. You know, the only way to come. You did it on purpose? Yeah.

The only way to fucking be scared of heights is to look at, don't even look at a ladder. What do I got to bring up this ladder? Put that motherfucker on your thing and walk up with one hand. And the thing wasn't walking up. It was getting back on the ladder off that roof.

That's the confidence. Yeah. I did that for 18 months. Just to fucking, I'm one of those guys. Getting on a ladder, from a roof to a ladder Lying left and right

Windows it sucked. I don't know how I ever did that's how broke I was windows and fucking big Skyscrapers and they have those Those fucking guys slowly work their way down the skyscraper Those fucking guys slowly worked their way down the skyscraper. What the fuck? How scary must that be? Were you molested by ground? Steve Burke, one of my good friends, was a window washer at the World Trade Center.

Oh, my God. And my buddy who's got the Canson Dime was the guy who was the supervisor. He ran the cruise. They had 16 buildings. My hands are sweating. You talking about that? My hands just started sweating. Dog. Thinking about being a windshield washer, window washer.

And the day he was in Alpey. And the day they got here, he was at the bar across the street banging it. Oh, my God. Yeah, it was a Monday or a Tuesday. The first time they got banged, it was a Friday. He was across the street banging drinks. Dude, I'm all nervous. And the second time he got banged, the towers hit.

He was still down at Jersey Shore. That was his vacation week, two times. Wow, that's incredible. And he don't say much. I mean, Steve was always the weird one. He's the one that stopped drinking. He was the one that drank every day in the 80s with the Iran captives, the 144 days.

He didn't take a shower or a drink. Really? He would play football with the mud from the summer. It was fucking horrid, but that was his. He was crazy. He was always crazy. So he did it out of solidarity for the captives? Out of solidarity.

This is at one point of his life. How, do they have like windshield washers? They had them all the way up to like the 100th floor? Well,

your job is windows. You know, by the time you get to this one, you got to do that one. So you just go up, down. So it's every day? Yeah,

that's it. Every day, because there's so many windows. Oh, and then, you know, sometimes they send you to the, oh,

how long does it take? Dog, I need to change the scenery. We'll send you to 88th Street. You know what I'm saying? You go to 88th Street and they probably got like a, you know, sometimes they send you to the... How long does it take? Dog, I need to change the scenery. We'll send you to 88th Street. You know what I'm saying? You go to 88th Street and they probably got like a 44 building. And you probably don't even get paid that well. Oh, fuck no.

Yeah, you do your union. 30 and 40 hours an hour benefits. Why don't they just like make something... 35 hour weeks. You know, it ain't bad. I mean, if you're working fucking stiff with balls, a knucklehead guy from the neighborhood, it's not a bad fucking job.

You think they would have just like self-washing windows now? Now, yeah. Like start at the top, there's a water hose. Yeah, now you would think they would have a, yeah, it would be open a little bit so you could replace the blade, put it back on. Yeah, exactly. But the union probably avoids that.

They probably have contracts with the construction unions to make sure that they have the window washers union gets to work. All right. That's the end of this podcast. Where you going? Trick or treat, motherfucker. I gotta go trick or treat.

Arr. Arr. I'm gonna dress up as a pirate. Happy Halloween to all you WWE bitches. Happy Halloween, bitches. Follow Joey Diaz on Twitter. It's Mad Flavor. Mad Flavor on Twitter. It's Mad Flavor. Mad Flavor on Twitter. And he also has a podcast on iTunes, Beauty and Da Beast,

with the aforementioned Felicia Michaels. And, of course, Red Band is Red Band on Twitter. On fire. Joe Rogan on Twitter. Thank you to the podcasting federation of America. We're now number one. I love the thing. Congratulations, brother.

Thank you to Fleshlight. That's right. If you go to JoeRogan.net Congratulations, brother. Thank you to Fleshlight. That's right. If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for the Fleshlight and enter in the codename Rogan, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. And like I said, the only one that hasn't used it is Joey. He refuses, but that's his old school. Don't forget, NOCC, 4854 Lancashire. They got these $5 cookies.

I'm fucked up right now. And over here, Divine Interwellness, whatever. NOCC, go in there, tell them you see me, and they give you a free fucking cookie. That's how I roll. Yeah. You say you saw Joe Diaz, you get a free cookie? Yeah. Where are they at again?

4854 Lancashire. Am I going there? They get a lot of people going in there for you? Yeah. In fact, I'm going to start meeting people like Thursdays from 4 to 6 there. It's 48 what? What is it again? 48-

48-5-4 Lancashire. My love is fucking place. 48-5-4 Lancashire. They take me. Yeah, they're great people. Serge, the girl from Vienna. And what's the name of it again? N-O-C-

You know I'm fucked up. What's with the questions? I feel like I'm a loner. Some of the people can go there. N-O-C-C. Say Joe Diaz sent you. Get yourself a free cookie, bitches. That's right, bitches. Thank you to Onnit.com. O-N-O-C-C. Joe Diaz sent you. Get yourself a free cookie, bitches. That's right, bitches.

Thank you to Onnit.com. O-N-N-I-T. Makers of Alpha Brain. The cognitive enhancement supplement. I take them every day. A blue one? We got a 90 stack now. Oh, shit. 90 stack Alpha Brain.

Look at that fucking hole. Holy stuff. That's the alien alien. How's that feel? It's best they have a bunch of zombie No, they have robot flashlights now. It looks like you're fucking a cyborg. Yeah, I saw that They're very creative those flesh are they offered Lindsay Lohan a million bucks to take a better mold of her pussy now that I would Know what you say why she wouldn't do that. That's the best idea ever. She's do it probably keep her out of Disney movies for life They don't have enough fucking rubber to go that deep in that fucking

dead snatch. That's like sticking a fucking pipe in Bremerton. Bremerton, Washington. It's the deepest point. Can you imagine how deep? I bet you got good nasty Irish pussy with freckles on it. Yeah, make it orange with freckles. A lot of freckles. And her asshole smells like fucking

wine and cigarettes and shit. Marlboro lights. You just smell that little muffler. You think of the fucking Marlboro, man. You know what I'm saying? Have you ever scratched your balls and it was too bad and you had to wake up, go up and wash them? I think this podcast is over. Brian is just throwing anchors, rocks everywhere.

He's got his ass and you're killing me here. Good night, everybody. We'll see you tomorrow. David Tell is supposed to be on tomorrow, but I haven't been in contact with him. Hopefully, we'll deal with him. Shane Smith is, unfortunately, in New York, so we're still trying to work that out. We'll figure out how to do it. We might try Skype.

Can we do a Skype one, Brian? It just sounds like shit. We'll make it happen, bitches. Happy Halloween. Happy Halloween. Thank you all. Keep it together. Stay black. Join my day. Joe Rogan

podcast my night. All day. We'll see you next time.