The Joe Rogan Experience - #1534 - Ron White

Episode Date: September 9, 2020

Ron White is a stand up comedian and actor, best known as a charter member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. His special “If You Quit Listening, I’ll Shut Up” is now streaming on Netflix.

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out. The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. You look good. Oh, thank you, man. You did. You look like you're well-rested, like the COVID lockdown has done you well. Thank you. lockdown has done you well thank you you know i i during this thing i came up with a program

uh called the dial it back a little bit program and it's like aa except there's only six steps but you don't get completely sober so it's going to be very popular i think and uh the first step was uh ron why don't you quit drinking so much and what is so much like what's the numbers ah you know it's a half a bottle of tequila a night or something like that maybe a little more uh wound back to a third by the way these little cigars are the these are really good romeo and julietta tiny cigars. Yeah, that's the mini cigarillo. So there's one that's a little bit bigger than that. It's called a cigarillo, and these are the minis.

And I started, like I was saying, when I was playing golf, you know, whenever it's time for me to hit, I just throw it away and light another one. You know, there's 20 of them for $15. So, you know, as opposed to a 15 cigar which is what i usually smoke something like that and uh but it's good tobacco yeah it's really good it's the same thing it's in their big old premium cigars just rode about rolled by the junior rollers that's how they learn and you look like you're smoking a blunt but we're clearly not. Clearly.

And in Austin, what were you saying about the rules? It's like you could have as much as a quarter of a pound before they arrest you? Yeah, a quarter of a pound. Is that right? Yeah. And if you just say it's CBD, CDB, whatever, nugs, then they would have to test it, and they don't want to test it. They've got other things to do. They have CBD stores outB, whatever nugs, then they would have to test it, and they don't want to test it.

They've got other things to do. They have CBD stores out here, folks. It's very strange. They have stores that sell CBD joints, but marijuana is illegal. Right. So I don't know. My son is in that business, and it is confusing. And I think that's what helps, you know, is they got dizzy trying to figure it out. But I was going through LAX on the way out here a week early.

And because we set this up for, we were talking on Friday, and you said next Tuesday the 8th. Well, I don't even know what month it is, much less what day of the month it is. And so I just thought it's the next Tuesday coming up, which was only three days away. And I was a little mad at you. And I was like going, wow, it seems like you'd have given me more than three days notice. And I got to find a way to get to LA and I'm looking at flights. There's nothing good. I'm thinking about bringing my plane down, uh, which it turns out has a problem so we couldn't bring it down and and uh and i get down here and he's like the eighth is uh a week from today and i was like god i'm so stupid man we made it work yeah we made it work so they just plugged in the stuff a few days early and here i am so you're not from here but you've been here for how long now like two

years how long you i've said you know i started coming to austin when i was 15 years old uh my my buddy uh his brother taught economics at ut and had a house on fourth street which at that time was just little bitty low-end cracker box houses but that mostly teachers lived in and he would let us stay in his yard. And, uh, so we would tell my parents that we were going camping at Lake Sutherland and my buddy, Ricky bellows, when he turned 16, had the littlest new Honda, but he had one that was wrecked and he rebuilt it. And we put all our camping gear in it and come straight to Austin and, uh, set up in my, uh, brother, my buddy, uh, Mickey McMillan, his brother,

Scott McMillan would set up in his yard, his backyard. And then we'd walk two blocks of six street and it was probably 71 or 72. And Austin was tripping balls. I mean, it was people on unicycles in clown suits, juggling backwards, music pumping out of every window stevie ray vaughn coming out of this with stevie ray vaughn on one end of the guitar and we're playing live live right just out the window now we didn't have any money and we couldn't get in any club so we had we were completely broke and but we're standing there listening to this music watching this scene of 6th street in 71 i guess it was about 71 or 2 when i've been 15 71 and uh and even then there were people going it's over you should have seen it in 67 i'm like still still still looks pretty good to me man

that's just what people always do though oh yeah Oh, yeah. I missed it, man. Just the other day, somebody was like, oh, yeah, it's just not what it used to be. And I'm like, when did you get here? Like, Thursday. I'm like, fuck, dude, really? It's taken a dive since Thursday? All these fucking Californians moving in. Yeah, they really hate that shit.

Yeah, I talked to this guy who's doing IT work. He's like, we're being invaded. Right. Bro, relax. Well, you know, it's a great state, but it's just a liberal stronghold in the middle of a very Republican state. And, you know, I was born and raised here. And, you know, if people ask me if I'm a Texan, I tell them I'm a Texan. You know, this is where i'm from and and uh the state is uh slowly changing and and becoming more palatable for

everybody and uh but there's still a pretty hard right wing you know faction that runs it all out of uh out of dallas where all the money is in houston and well that's what keeps it from going haywire right right that's what keeps it from going haywire, right? Right. That's what keeps it from going straight Portland. Right. Yeah, that's it. You fucking need that, man. Those people are ridiculous. You need that. You need law and order.

You do. I don't give a fuck what anybody says. Yeah, that's a... My old joke was, if you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back. Go somewhere else and kill people. You'll be better off you know go to california you know it's just i just feel like you know people want to throw away everything that's there they just want to break it all down and deconstruct society but they don't really i mean their plan once they do that like you saw what happened with uh that six block chunk of seattle that they

took over of course yeah it deteriorated almost instantly and became a terribly run country right they had borders they had people beating people up for filming things i mean they had murders they were thinking about walls yes they took over too not only that they appropriated all the buildings they didn't build those buildings they just took it over but the problem with that kind of thinking is even if you think you're right what you're doing now someone can do that to you because you've already shown that it can be done you've already shown that you could just by force you can light the fucking mayor of portland's apartment building on fire and stand out and chant well they could do that to your house too right you got to understand like what you're doing is not nice.

It's not civilized. It's not polite. This is a civilized society. It sure is. And if you decide that you're going to do things that are not civilized and you're going to justify it, people can do things that are not civilized to you. Like, the founding fathers, as crazy as it is in the 1700s, figured this shit out in advance.

They had a whole series of checks and balances to keep things from going sideways they really had some good ideas it's really amazing when you stop and think about their great insight into human nature and how it could apply and where it might go right they were right they were right yeah now you know when we were having protests and uh in vandalism and whatever in beverly hills and they were saying that, uh, the next, uh, you know, they're coming to tear your part town apart. You know, I'd really didn't think they would, but I still had a,

uh, retired Navy seal standing in front of my house, uh, with a gun. And, uh, his message was, why don't you go fuck up the house next door to Ron and,

uh, and leave Ron's place alone alone it's just these young people with these idealistic ideas about people that are successful that somehow or another you've stolen it from other people and that you need to give it back to everyone else we need to have a communist society and it's like how where's the money coming from where who's gonna work what are you gonna do have you thought this through right know, I'd always chosen the path of least resistance in my life, and it just ended up here, you know, in Joe Rogan's studio at 63 years old. This is the path of least resistance.

This is where I ended up. It is, but it isn't. You know, you say that, but you were a grinder. You were out there on the road doing the hard gigs. That's not least resistance. No, it was. You know, it you were a grinder. You were out there on the road doing the hard gigs. That's not least resistance. No, it was. You know, it was so much fun, I couldn't stand it. You know, I would tap my foot when I was at home.

I wanted to get back out to the path of least resistance. Because, you know me, I love stand-up comedy. And I love being on stage like you do. And touring never bothered me you know it got softer and softer it started out it was 800 miles in a in a nissan truck with a bench vinyl seat that would bend you over the steering wheel after 50 miles and you had 800 miles to go to atlanta that who shows and i didn't care you know i felt like i found it yeah and uh and I didn't care. I felt like I found it, and I didn't even know what it was until I found it. The first time I was on stage, I was like, oh, I'm a comedian.

That's what I am. If you just look at most of society, at least I did when I looked at most of society, most of what people were doing was so unappealing to me. It just didn't resonate with my mind and the way I grew up. It just didn't work. But as soon as I started doing comedy and going on the road, I was like, oh, my God, I found this thing. I found a thing that just works. It just fits into my DNA.

It just makes sense. That's the same with me. And I never, ever thought that my career would get as big as it did ever. We were talking about divorce outside. You were talking about how you've been fucked over and i said if i could just go back in time when you were broke and i said ron in the year 2020 you will have been fucked out of millions of dollars in divorce yeah and you'd be like well fuck man how much did i make how'd i get all that money where'd it come from do i have any left after this how am i doing so yeah and it was it

was two women and uh and all together with lawyers and all in for 10 probably 10 million bucks and ouch and after tax money you know that's 20 million in real world dollars it's uh something like that uh well you know if you're if you're making dollars at the box office, you know, you're really only putting about $0.28 out of every dollar in a bank account that you could spend. And so you've got a big chunk going to taxes and managers and agents and travel and all that stuff. And you're trying to have fun. And trying to have a good time. Hey, you're not squirreling money away for divorce.

Well, it turns out I was. I thought it was retirement, but now it turns out, you know, I really believe that I'm retired. I believe I'm done. Really? You done with stand-up? I think so. Listen, man, we're going to open up a club here in Austin.

Oh, I'll do that. I'm going to drag you in. Yeah. You're going to crush. You're going to get the feeling down to your toes, that tingle. Woo! club here in austin oh i'll do that i'm gonna drag you in yeah you're gonna crush you're gonna get that the feeling down to your toes that tingle i haven't even thought about a set in a half a year you know they they tapped on my bus in the parking lot of a venue uh in uh springfield illinois and uh the parking lot was half full you know know, I'd flown out from L.A., got on my tour bus in St. Louis. My crew's with me.

The crowd's showing up. They knock on the door and said it's over. Wow. The government just, the governor just pulled the plug on this date, and then they plugged it on the next date. And I'm like, fuck, there's not going to be any shows until May, I bet. And boy, was I wrong. It's right now we're in September.

Yes, it is September. And there's no shows in sight. Well, you can go some places. Houston's doing shows. San Antonio's doing shows. Nashville's doing shows. Kansas City's doing shows. A lot of places are like, fuck it, let's roll.

Let's just do it yeah but you know the you know zany's in nashville uh hugley fucking collapsed on stage there and he had covid and the guy that ran the club uh got covid from him he got it from hugley yeah from hugley well he got it so we're assuming it's from maybe he gave it to him what could have gone the other way except for hugley collapsed and then he came up positive three days later whoever hugley's road manager is props to that guy because he saw it coming and caught him yeah right so yeah that guy's on the fuck it because if he hits the fall floor man he's got brain damage right yeah you fall from that you fall from a sitting position and that's a kind of a high stage, too. You've been there, right?

Yeah. My manager would find out about it on the internet the next day. Not only would he not catch me, he wouldn't even know where I was. But it was a weird one, right? Did you watch the video? Of him? D.L., his words got all jumbled together. They didn't make sense.

Yeah, no, I didn't see it. I didn't even know there was one. It was very strange. And the crowd was like, what? What the fuck did he just say? Oh, is that it? What are you doing, Jamie? We got a lot of fucking technical glitches.

We're working out the gremlins here at the new studio. Jamie's trying to show it to us. He'll show it to us. We'll get it. We'll figure it out. But it was a weird moment where he just paused and then just started to collapse, and his manager caught him right in time,

and then he just dragged him off the stage. Oh, I'd like to see the footage of that. Yeah. We would, you know, I play golf when I'm there at the same course. Here it is. Let's see if we can hear it. I can't. I got something I was working on.

Sorry. See, he catches him. Look at this. Right there. Oh, it still bounced his head, though. It wasn't a great catch. No, it wasn't the best catch. I like that little gray goatee thing going on.

I like that. Yeah, I like it so much I grew one. I played golf with him uh him and uh cedric and uh george lopez a few months ago that must have been a fun outing yeah i was staying at this uh bakara resort up in uh santa barbara and i just looked across the bar and it was hugely and cedric sitting there and i'm like who is is that? I recognize these guys. And I went over and started, I just heard them order tequila. And I was like, oh, this is Kindred Spirits over here. I'm going to upgrade their order because they sold my tequila at that place.

And so I sent them over some tequila and I'm like, and they threw a fit over me. You're Ron White, Ron White. And I'd worked with Cedric. He middled for me on the road and I knew he was going to be a star then. I was like, they're stopping this guy. You know, he's got so much talent and energy. And so it turns out Lopez was coming up to play golf with him the next day. So we hooked up, made it a foursome, killed a bottle of No. 1 Extra Añejo on the course.

We passed it around on the 18th to polish it off. And what a hoot. What a glorious day that was. Just laughter and fun. I'm sure golf is awesome. That's a lot of time. You don't have time for it, buddy. I don't have time for it.

You ain't got time for it. I don't know how you do what you do. Three shows a day or three of these a day. I don't do three a day anymore. The last time I did your show, i was the third one that day and and uh you're like yeah i'm gonna go do my abs and then i got five sets tonight i'm like jesus christ i'm gonna go to bed i was drunk stoned i'm like you're gonna do what yeah yeah i gotta do my abs and i'm gonna head on over yeah last podcast we did we got a little lit.

Yeah. We got crazy. Yeah, early. It's your fucking tequila. You come bringing your own tequila. What's a man supposed to do? Right. You got to drink it.

You got to drink it. So you were saying you're just in the tequila business now. You're basically not even in the comedy business anymore. You know, I actually told somebody in a conversation that I used to be a comedian. They said, what do you do? I said, I used to be a comic. I say, so they said, what do you do? I said, I used to be a comic. And then I kind of caught myself. I'm like, well, because I believe if you want to be a comedian, all you have to do is go be a comedian.

But you have to do that, right? You have to go do it. You have to go do shows and all those things that I just don't do anymore. When you call someone a comic, how long do they have to have done it? You know, before I recognize it, a while you know what's a while you know i think you start that i'd say five five years yeah before you start to even start to understand the relationship between you and all those people out there uh it's a it's a long process i think i caught it on i i caught on to doing stand-up really quickly.

So when I had four minutes, I could kill for four minutes, and then I could kill for five minutes. So I always kind of understood how to generate the power, even from pretty early on. But I still only had five minutes. I think the worst thing that can happen to a young comic now is they come out and win some contest, and all of a sudden they're headlining. But they won with 10 minutes of material, and then what do you do?

That's a tough spot to be in. Yeah, it's horrible. Charlie Murphy was famous, and then he started doing stand-up. So he was doing stand-up as a famous person, famous for being funny on the Chappelle Show. Right. That took balls. Yeah, it did. And I was around Charlie during those days, and it was crazy.

I mean, he just was learning stand-up in front of sold-out crowds. Yeah, that's scary. Woo! But I never thought any of this, even though I was standing right next to Foxworthy when he exploded into one of the biggest comics that ever lived, I never thought it would happen to me. You know, I just didn't.

And I was okay with it. You know, I liked being a club headliner, and I was still making, you know, as much money as my friends or more as a club headliner. And I wasn't paying my taxes, which made it seem like I made even more money, right? So I'm picking up tabs and shit right and uh but i never saw a big you know big big success uh ever coming my way and it just did i think the most the most fun you have is when you're just making enough money to not worry

about money everything else gets it money. Everything else gets complicated. Things get complicated when they can take $10 million from you in a divorce. Yeah, right. That is. Well, you know what? That's the thing. I remember after Blue Collar came out and all of a sudden when the DVD came out, all of a sudden I could sell out any venue in the country in two minutes literally and the money

was coming in and I was so joyous because I didn't see what else was coming behind it right I just saw all of a sudden I'm making money hand over fist over hand over fist and I'd wake up in the morning glad to be me you know I would wake up going, yeah, this is great. I could go online and look, I'm a millionaire. Look at this. I'm a millionaire. This is the most fantastic thing ever. But I didn't see what was coming, you know, just as far as all the, you know, I'm basically an idiot and, and, uh, or I'm a fool in his money. And, uh, you don't want to walk away from that without a big pile of it and uh you know it didn't and i'm kind of getting to a place in my life where now i'm like all right i'm okay i'm okay i still i've still got it i mean i still have the finances to retire comfortably and i mean not

i actually i was my girlfriend lives on the main channel over on Oxnard at the marina. And we were talking about getting a boat. So I called my friend, who's an offshore boat racer and a billionaire. And I said, I just want, you know, he knows a lot about boats. He'd maybe give us some direction on what kind of boat would be great. And so he started asking me right away on the phone call. a lot about boats he'd give maybe give us some direction on what kind of boat would be great and so he started asking me right away on the phone call as he said uh how's the career going man what's going on in your life i said it's over man i don't have any dates i have nothing on the books i don't know when it's coming back and i talked to my financial people and said let's figure that

i'm never going to make another dime what can i keep what? What can I, what do I sell? And I said, I got to get rid of the plane and probably the bus. And he goes, well, at least you don't have a boat. And I was like, well, that was the next,

that was my next question, man. I was going to sell the boat to get a bus, sell the bus to get a boat. Do you, but if everything comes back, like if, if they develop a vaccine,

if we reach herd immunity, if people start touring again, you'll be out there. Come on, man. I don't know. Come on, man. I don't know what's left, Joe. Come on, man. I'll bring you out there.

I'll just bring you out for a guest set. Bring you out for a little guest set. Give you a little taste. You'll feel the roar of the crowd. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ron White. Yeah. Wouldn't it be nice? You know, I could tell because i always worked really hard right and

uh i'm not worked really hard but i always did a lot of shows yeah right uh tour all the time and and if i took 10 days off i could feel it in my big set yeah you know just that information's not floating as close to the top as i'd like for it to be and and then by the next set it was a little better but third set i'm fine and i haven't done a set thought about a set looked at a set list watched a tape in a half a year and I don't know what I'm I don't know how long it would even take to get it back or if it or if I could just walk back into it you'd walk right back into it I did uh Houston Improv Cup I guess about a month and a half two months months ago now. And I listened to a bunch of sets, and I did the whole weekend. And I listened to like three or four recordings, made notes, wrote down all my stuff.

I forgot a couple of things. I forgot the way to order a few taglines, but I walked out just having a great time. I had a great time. First show was a little odd, like, wow, I can't believe I'm doing stand-up again. By the second show, it was a show. By the third show, I was back. Okay. but it was just because i listened to all the recordings i took a lot of time i really went over it what venue what size venue were you it's a small place the improv okay you know i mean i think it seats 500 and i think they were they were at 75 capacity yeah right not really yeah why are there no empty chairs it's pretty packed oh we took the chairs

we didn't need outside but it was a good time it was it was fun but then i started thinking man what if i got it and then gave it to somebody that's my worry i give it to some person that has a compromised immune system right well that's what you know i was telling you that my girlfriend and i i was going to move uh uh this I bought a new car for out in L.A. And I wanted to move the car that was out there out here. So we decided to just drive it. So we stopped in Vegas and stayed at the Bellagio. And I've always worked at the Mirage.

And I found out that outside the Mirage, I'm nobody, even with the MGM Grand folks. And so it was kind of just, you know, a week before we got there, people were going, who's got the keys to this thing, man? How do you turn those lights on? We fired those people. We had to get them back because we don't know how to do this. Yeah, those casinos had basically shut down for months at a time. Yeah, and those are monster, complicated fucking properties.

And then we went to uh we had we did some gambling we ate some decent food and no shows or anything and we were there for three days and it was great play golf and and uh but we just stayed to ourselves and we won some money playing blackjack and went uh spent it immediately on caviar and champagne. And I'm like, look what we won. This is great. And we went to Sedona. And Sedona, if you've been to Sedona, Arizona, it's like. Hippie land.

Yeah. It's all crystals. But it's gorgeous. Faith healers. Just beautiful. It is beautiful. Oh, it's like stunning. I mean, every direction you look. Why does it attract so many flaky people, though?

They say it's because of some kind of a vibe that it has energy or whatever yeah and uh we're staying in this you know it's kind of a five-star resort and it was down on this river with these little cabins and this beautiful river wolf whatever oak creek or whatever it is and cuts through these huge canyons and and uh you could take these anirondack chairs and put them in the river and just sit in this beautiful clear running river with and just sit out there and relax and let the world go by and breathe and it was really really nice and uh i told jeannie i said you know what we could do because we had our we were made kind of last-minute reservations, so we had the littlest cabin furthest from the river.

But there was a little house right on the river. I don't know what they charged for it, but it was cool as shit. And I said, you know what we could do? We would pool our money and just rent this place, and we'll just live here until we're broke until it's all or there's the money's gone we've run up a tab we can't pay it we just i'll tell them there's money coming we've already spent millions here and then when the cops are wading into the river to drag us out and throw us off the property we'll shoot ourselves and just float dead and she was like what i'm like i'm not saying i'm not

saying we have to i'm just saying and then i kind of okay with a syringe of heroin and just whatever you know that uh she nixed it yeah chicks don't like those romantic ideas yeah so then we went to santa fe then austin and then i had my tour bus pick us up in austin and took us to up to nashville and then to see my mother in uh in coco beach florida and uh so we had coveted tests before we got to mother's house to to you know make sure even though we'd been being very very safe that uh you know i couldn't bear the thought of yeah off in my mom and uh yeah that's the big fear man that's the big fear, man. That's the big fear.

The big fear is giving it to somebody who can't handle it, right? Right. It's a weird one, man. I mean, this society has changed in such a radical way over the last six months. It's almost like if you, well, I know someone who actually did get hit by a car right right before George Floyd died and had brain damage and came out of a coma like while the riots were going on like literally didn't know what was going on and has brain damage and he's trying to put it all together like you ever see that movie 28 days later yeah awesome zombie

movie but the guy wakes up in the middle of a coma from a coma and the world's changed he woke up and there a virus had swept through the land some uh a virus that they created for chimpanzees called rage and it escaped from a lab and started infecting people and turned them into these wild zombie creatures right but you know it's almost like that. Like this person that I know woke up from this, from getting hit by a car, flown through the air, landed on their head, got all fucked up, in a coma for 10 days, hospitalized. And then coming out of it, watching the news, going, what the fuck is happening? Right. Cops' cars on fire, streets are burning. People wearing masks. Everyone's wearing a mask and uh and not wearing masks you know i i was i'm so protective of my mom but she wants to get out

she wants to go to the grocery store she wants to go you know but she's just been locked up so she she she she also cooks for me you know, my mother loves to cook for me. And it was almost like Breaking Bad when they'd chain that guy to the meth lab. That's what my mother looked like in the kitchen, you know, just making fried chicken and fried shrimp and gumbo and all the things I love. But we went to the store, and, you know, she likes to, you know, she doesn't walk that stable, so she likes to walk with a, you know, with a cart. And so we went.

There were people not wearing masks, and I just wanted to fucking cuss them out. So they get to walk around with no mask. I've got to keep my mother in a storage facility so she doesn't catch this disease. So I'd like for everybody to catch on with the mask thing, you know, and just let's get through this. Yeah, I think most people have caught on with it now. Don't you think most people are wearing masks? It's pretty rare that people aren't wearing masks, especially around old folks.

It's become, I think, a little bit better. And, you know, we're getting some better numbers right now. So that's good. Yeah. That's how I hope. You taking your vitamin D? No. Okay. Well, you got to take vitamin D. That's how I hope. You taking your vitamin D? No. Okay. You got to take vitamin D.

It's very important. There was an article that was just published recently that I put on my Twitter page. I don't read your Twitter page. You don't have to, but I'll send you the things directly that are important. All right. But this was talking about vitamin C and people that get COVID and wind up in the ICU. And vitamin D, rather, vitamin D seems to be the biggest factor that people, one of the things Dr. Rhonda Patrick talked about on the podcast too, is that more than 80% of the people in the ICU are deficient

in vitamin D. And only 4% had sufficient levels of vitamin D. The vitamin D has a significant impact on your immune system, and most people don't get it. You probably get a good amount because you're out in the sun golfing a lot, but probably not quite enough, and you should almost always supplement. Yeah, my doctor said something. I just had all my tests done the other day, and he said that you need to boost your vitamin D. That's what he said.

Yeah, everybody does. Humans aren't supposed to live in this little fucking red spaceship. We're supposed to be outside in the world. I mean, this is how we evolved. We evolved to be outside all the time. We didn't evolve to be indoor creatures. So our bodies are designed to absorb vitamin D from the sun. I mean, that's how we create vitamin D in our body.

Right, and I think you're right. I do spend an awful lot of time outside. But, you know, I need to get on a program. That's for sure. Are you willing? I'll put you on a program. I'm willing. I'm willing to be on a program.

Yeah. Do you take a dumb ton of vitamins? I take a lot of shit. Even though you believe it's all good oh yeah i feel great you have more energy than anybody i know do you sleep at all i do that's one of the reasons why i have energy i sleep a lot a little amount of sleep for me is six hours that's a little amount like that's like oh i gotta catch up a good night i'm sleeping eight maybe even nine yeah i sleep A good night, I'm sleeping eight, maybe even nine. Yeah, I sleep.

I sleep good. It's important. It's everything, man. It's everything. That's what I want from you. I'd love to have Joe Rogan energy instead of Ron White energy, which is, man, let's take a nap. That's the tequila, son.

Oh, no, that's salvation. Pour some of that salvation. All right, all right. Crack it open. I was going to make this deal that for sure I didn't drink for the first hour. I think we're about 40 minutes. Okay, that's close. Good enough. Yeah.

Close? Close enough. 30 minutes? 28? Round up. You made yourself a deal. That's hilarious. Yeah, see, if you drink this every day,

you're not going to have a lot of energy. But you will have an interesting energy while you're drinking it. You know, the thing is, it's a stimulant. And I know I've told you that before. Instead of a depressant, cheers, Joe Rogan. Cheers, my brother. Congratulations to both of us.

Thank you. For everything. For everything. Joe Rogan. Cheers, my brother. Congratulations to both of us. Thank you. For everything.

For everything. Mmm. Ahem. Ooh. Goddamn, Ron White. Well, you got it. Hey, Charlie. Smell it?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm stocking your bar at your house, so I brought a box of tequila. Beautiful. I have some good ideas with this stuff. This stuff will bring me to some strange places. It will. For sure. I was also going to bring some shrooms, but I decided not to.

Are you still microdosing? You know, it... Did it stop working? No, it didn't stop working. The guy I was getting it from went to prison. For mushrooms? I don't know. What are the odds?

Yeah, right. I don't know yeah i think that's exactly what happened who the fuck is putting someone in jail for mushrooms that guy should go to jail yeah it's you know he was a door guy in a club and uh but he was really doing it because you know he knew a lot of vets that had you you know, PTSD and people were feeling like hallucinogens were, you know, making a connection for some of these guys. Particularly microdosing. Yeah, microdosing. And that's what I was doing unless there was a concert to go to and then I was maxodosing.

Well, I ran into you at the green room at the comedy store and you were like, I found this thing that's fucking amazing. I'm just microdosing. I guess I'm on medication but it's a little sparkle in your day and and uh so i you know and i still described it as wonderful wonderful i go how are you feeling you know it's wonderful it's wonderful take the drugs and go to the concert you know have fun you know just get my lazy ass but the microdosing it's like it's just enough to feel it, right? It's just like you just, just enough to feel it. You just, just enough to take the edge off of life.

Just, but you're very there. Very coherent. Yeah, even more, probably. Yeah, well, they say you see things better. There was studies done on visual acuity. One of these psychedelic researchers researchers they did these things with people they gave them low doses of psilocybin and they were able to detect uh movement quicker than people without it like so they have two lines two parallel lines and when one of the lines would

diverge off of parallel the people on mushrooms could recognize it much quicker than the people not on mushrooms yeah yeah at one of my earliest mushroom experiences, maybe the first, we had heard about it. Of course, I was in Houston, so mushrooms were at the end of every street because it's all developed ranch land the further out you go. So at the end of it, there's a pasture, and that's full of mushrooms. I had no idea they had value anywhere because they were just so readily available. they were just so readily available and when we were i boiled some up and uh me and joe payne and uh and we drank them but we didn't know how long it took to for it to hit and then joe had to leave and i'm sitting there and my dad comes home i was standing with him and uh and i feel that these

mushrooms coming on a little bit and then uh, uh, there was this horrible wreck in Houston where this big truck with some kind of gas flipped on one of those big overpasses and they had cameras out there. And I started laughing so hard. It was the funniest thing I ever seen. And, uh, and I couldn't stop myself from laughing at it.

And it wasn't funny at all. And, but it just just the laughter was in my dad i remember him just looking at me going what's wrong with him and uh so i left and i was driving my car and i noticed that i could see an eye of a bird that was 50 yards away while i was running into the back of another car so So I can't really verify that everything. But the bird's eye I was looking at, and then all of a sudden, ka-tunk! Not very hard, but it was definitely a wreck.

Yeah, it makes you see things. It makes you hear things. It makes you hear. Yeah, I just started hearing that too. Hmm. Comes and goes. We got some gremlins spaceship noises we're working out

in your spaceship looking place here yeah we're working this place out trying to figure it out I like it though I think it's

you know whenever you're in a new spot you gotta get accustomed to it still feels weird like we did one with Adam Curry it just felt weird it feels weird to be here yeah I'm get accustomed to it still feels weird like we did one with adam curry just it felt weird it feels weird to be here yeah i'm already used to it yeah i'm used to i'm used to

austin tell you that i got used to it quick i'm settled in i love it like it a lot i love the less people i love how friendly everybody is there's a lot a lot of good things about this place i love the barbecue i had diarrhea for four days in a row. I couldn't stop. Really? I was eating this fucking barbecue. I had like a piece of lettuce in four days. It was all ribs. Ribs and sauce.

Like, Jesus. Where are they coming from? You got a go-to place? Oh, man, I was going everywhere. I found this hole in the wall, a bee cave barbecue. Holy shit. It's like a trailer. Like this little trailer that you pull up to. Fucking phenomenal.

You know, they're all born out of this. Phenomenal. You know, these are all early German settlements through New Braunfels, and they just understood smokehouses. Is that what it is? That's where it all came from. Wow, it all came from Germany. Yeah.

No kidding. Yeah. Oh, wow. Well, I know came from Germany. Yeah. No kidding. Yeah. Oh, wow. Well, I know there's a lot of German folks that live in Fredericksburg, right? Like out there. Oh, and New Braunfels and what's south of New Braunfels. Where's your aunt live? Oh, they live in New Braunfels.

But anyway, that's where that was all German settlements. We used to go camping. We'd go to the Guadalupe River, which was a fun, fun thing to do. We stayed at a campground called the Lazy L&L, which used to be a farm for this German family. The guy that owned it figured out he could turn it into a campground and make easier money, so he did. He was about 90 years old and he smelled horrible just really stunk always always wearing the same clothes oh one of those guys no more pussy fuck it fuck showers right fuck showers what would i take a shower for and but he he told me he wanted to show me something so their old barns were there and stuff and he took me over and he showed me a plow

that had a seat on it and he said that when he saw that he he said that he thought everything that could be invented had been invented now you're sitting on a plow are you fucking kidding me living the good life living god damn the horse is dragging you and the plow. You're all good. And you're not doing anything. Your boots aren't getting muddy. No. You're good. You're above it. You're good.

You're above it grinding through life. Living that silver star life. It's a weird thing that the immigrants came out here learning how to smoke meat, like Germans smoked meat and smoked sausages, and they somehow or another morphed that into barbecue. It was everybody that worked for that one of those people they went and started their own place because they learned how to do it and it just kind of spread from that and uh you can't have bad barbecue here you will not survive no no no no you will not survive i found that out everything you cannot make any money selling shitty barbecue in the Texas Hill Country. You cannot.

It's not happening. No. Yeah, everything's good. Yeah. The real worry, like I was saying, is that people like me will come here and fuck it up. How could you fuck it up? I'm not going to fuck it up. I'm going to find nice Texas people and say, tell me how to vote.

I'll vote for your way. I want to keep your thing going. Whatever you did to get this, I want to keep your thing going Whatever you did to get this I want to keep this going It had nothing to do with politics It didn't But politics could fuck it up though Not the barbecue

But they could fuck up some of the aspects of this place The freedom parts The thing about having a place like this Is you gotta kind of let people do Like one of the things that I love about Texas is the fact that it's so wild that you could do a lot of shit here. You could do crazy. Like I looked at a ranch and I said, what if I wanted to put a comedy club on this ranch? Is there any rules?

They go, no. No, go ahead. They were like, go ahead. I go, what about a shooting range? They're like, okay. Oh, yeah, of course. Fine. Yeah, bring it.

Like do whatever the fuck you want. Put a fence around, shoot every animal you have. Yeah. Like, they don't care. It's freedom. It is. It is. It's freedom.

Yeah. And I enjoy, you know, I'm socially pretty liberal, but physically pretty conservative. Yeah, me too. And so I just lean that way. And so I hope that Texas leans that way too. I don't know that it ever will, but I love the freedom of Texas, and I love calling myself a Texan. You know, it was a sovereign nation at one time. We could fly our flag as high as the U.S. flag. No other state can because they weren't a sovereign nation.

That's true. You could fly the Texas flag at the same height. It's the only flag? Yep. Yep. Do you know why this place is so crazy? Do you know the whole history why it's so different than anywhere else why austin or texas just texas in general because it was its own

country because the comanches of the comanches it's really what it is okay all right let's hear it joe they had to fight off the comanches the comanches they were mean were the baddest motherfuckers in the plains and they literally ran the western part of this country they were the most savage they they all they ate was meat they lived off of like buffalo meat basically they learned how to ride horseback better than any other indians they learned how and they call themselves indians it's a thing like native american versus indian i've talked to them they prefer the term indian i don't i don't know if that applies to all of them but the ones that I've talked to when I've been trying to educate myself about this shit, they said we prefer the term Indians.

But didn't the American people or the settlers call them Indians because they thought they were in India? The original people in the 1400s thought they were in India. Yeah. But for whatever reason, it stuck. But the Comanches, they were when the Texas Rangers were the first guys to figure out how to beat the Comanches. So Mexico was allowing people to move in to Texas and Oklahoma back in the day when the settlers were like, go ahead, my friend, go ahead, it's free. And they were basically using settlers as a buffer for the Comanches. Because everybody who moved into these places and built houses just got slaughtered.

Right. And so when the Texas Rangers figured out... But it was Mexico until when? Yes. Until what year? I don't remember what year. But they figured out, the Texas Rangers were the first guys

who figured out how to fight the Comanche. And what they did is they basically fought like them. The early settlers used to get off of their horses to shoot. So they'd get off their horses with a fucking musket and the Comanches would run on them and they could shoot five six arrows in six seconds from horse so they were just boom boom filling them up with arrows and these poor bastards had the musket with the stick and the powder and they got fucked so Colt figured out how to make a revolver and the first revolver was made like somewhere in like the 1840s and one of the very first people that used the revolver was the texas rangers was jack hayes jack hayes was the

original texas ranger and this bad motherfucker figured out how to live like a comanche fight off a horseback 99 sure that's his name jack hayes google that real quick but um we have a we actually made a a large photo of this dude that's gonna hang in the the front lobby oh cool yeah there he is john hayes well they call him jack too right it's not weird that jack is a nickname for john yeah john f kennedy is jack kennedy yeah that doesn't make any sense. How the fuck did that happen? Jack Hayes, yeah. John Covey, Jack Hayes, was an American military officer. So that dude, there's a large metal photo that's being made of him. He's the reason why Texas exists,

because these motherfuckers figured out how to fight the Comanches. They figured out how to do it, and partly because of Colt, and because of the revolver and the revolver was basically this all comes from a book that's an amazing book that i read uh called empire the summer moon by this uh this guy uh sam gwen s sg gwen and it's all about the comanches and and how difficult it was for the settlers to make it across Texas. So Texas became this fiercely independent place, partially in part because of their battles with the Comanches,

who ran through Austin. You can find Comanche arrowheads in Austin still to this day. I have friends who have found them here. Right. I have friends that look for them all the time. In fact, Foxworthy is one of them. He goes on these arrowhead searches all over the place. Where they find them for the most is those buffalo jumps. You know those places where the Comanche would force buffalo off cliffs?

I didn't even know that. This is how wild it is. They would force so many of them off of cliffs that they would rot in a pile because they couldn't eat all of them. They would rot in a pile, and there would be so much bacteria and rot that they would rot in a pile and there would be so much bacteria and rot that they would spontaneously combust. So most of these buffalo jumps, like when you would find at the bottom, they'd be charred,

like charred cliffside because the piles of buffalo would literally burst and burst into flames. How do you know all this stuff, Joe? I smoke a lot of weed. I smoke weed and I get into things. That's why I can't play golf. I know, I know. You don't have time for golf.

Well, I can't play golf because I'd get obsessed. Yeah, you would. That's the problem. You totally would. And you'd get really good at it. Like jiu-jitsu or whatever it is you know. I would get obsessed. Yeah.

I know I would. Tony Hinchcliffe is obsessed now. That poor bastard. He's hooked. I know. He plays golf every day. He sends me pictures. I know. would. Tony Hinchcliffe is obsessed now. That poor bastard. He's hooked. I know. He plays golf every day. He sends me pictures. I know.

He's telling me. I just played golf with, or just had a conversation with a guy named Pete that we all know. Oh, yeah. And he had just played golf that morning with Hinchcliffe, and he said he's horrible, but he's so into it that it doesn't even matter. That's how he is with pool. Hinchcliffe is horrible at a lot of things that he's really into.

I think he's really funny, though. I think he's a ballsy young comic. Oh, he's one of the best up-and-coming comics in America. I think so, too. He came with me to Houston when we did that gig. Oh, did he? Yeah, he's fucking hilarious. I think he's talking about moving to Austin.

He's gonna. I'm dragging him on. He said there's gonna be no place to do stand-up, and I'm like, no's fucking hilarious. I think he's talking about moving to Austin. He's kind of. I'm dragging him on here, Ron White. He said there's going to be no place to do stand-up, and I'm like, no, there is. There is. Joe's going to open a club, man. I'm going to open up a club, 100%. That's the plan. There's a long-term plan. There's a ranch and a club in those long-term plans.

And the club's going to be on the ranch? I don't know yet. I haven't decided yet. No. No. You've got to have a club where people can go to it yeah yeah they get in a car you go to the ranch no no you might be wrong i could not be wrong about this you might be wrong location location location i don't know i don't know about that

not barbecue and comedy yeah not just barbecue and comedy i mean like outdoor festivals i want to put in an amphitheater and do charity concerts. Oh, wow. Like legitimately. Yeah, I think it all can be done. Promote it on the podcast. Just have it for goodwill. All the money goes to charity.

I forget about your platform and how many people it reaches. I know the first time I did your podcast, I had no idea how big it was. You just asked me to come do it, and I was driving down there going, I can't believe I said I would do this, and I had no idea how big it was you just asked me to come do it and i was driving down there going i can't believe i said i would do this and i had no idea and then i fucking hit a curb while i was pulling in and busted a tire and i'm like god damn it and then it turns out it was the biggest thing i've ever done in my career was your podcast more people saw that than anything and i got more people coming up to me. I saw you on Rogan. I saw you on Rogan. I saw you on Rogan.

I'm like, God damn, how many people are watching this fucking thing? I remember you grab me at the comic store afterward. You go, I had no fucking idea. I had no idea. No idea. Nobody told me. You know? You didn't tell me.

I just knew you had a podcast. And it turned out to be a hell of a gig. Well, the thing is, it seems like it's not, right? Because it's just you and me here hanging out. It seems like it's just us. Yeah, right. This is how we would do if we were the back bar of the comedy store. Exactly the same thing.

And that's why when I watch it, I watched one the other day with you and Whitney Cummings. Annie Letterman. Yeah, and that was really good. Those girls were awesome. Oh, they was really good. Those girls were awesome. Oh, they were so funny. Those girls were so funny. Did I tell you about Whitney's pig?

Yes. She drove it all the way to Texas to a fucking pig sanctuary. And I met it. Did you meet it? Yeah. You got pictures? Oh, yeah. To the pig sanctuary. So what happened was we were going to do, I was talking to Jay McGraw,

and we were thinking about doing... Jay's moving out here. Huh? Jay's moving out here. I know, you know, and I don't believe it. You already bought a house. Oh, he didn't tell me that. Yeah, he got a house on Travis.

Oh, no, he did tell me that, on Travis, right. Oh, shit. Yeah. Ron White, we're bringing them all out here. Right, come on out. Come on. Bang the drums. Put up the bat signal.

Yeah. I told somebody the other day, they said, why is Rogan moving out here? And I said, well, because I moved out here, and he started crying. And he's like, what am I going to do without Ron White? And I'm like, just come on out here, Joe, and it'll be great. Well, you did say that. You did say that. And I wiped a tear from your eye with a little tissue, and then you just.

You used that bandana you have wrapped around your neck. Right. Just to dry your tears and tell you there's hope for your future, Joe. But you were talking about it in glowing terms, and that's not a small part of why I'm here. There's several people that talked about it in such glowing terms and when the looting hit that was the big wake-up call for me i was like okay yeah i see what's going on here you know i either can have you know armed guards everywhere which i already had you know at the studio or you know and but it felt weird felt un la feels unmanageable it feels like it's out of

control and that garcetti guy's not handling it well no i don't think so no it's a fucking disaster and there's more tents now than i've ever seen in any rei convention everywhere you go everyone's camping you know it's like the streets are filled with people that got evicted from their houses or lost their jobs or don't have any money for anything. And it's just way too many folks. Way too many folks and not enough people working. And it just seems dangerous. Right. Well, the climate's so good that if I was going to be, you know, if I had no home, I would want to live in Southern California and be homeless there.

The guys who have it made is those mobile home dudes that drive around those shitty mobile houses. Right. Because, I mean, basically you park it and there's your house. I mean, you got a roof, you got a door. Until they make you move, then you move and park it there. Yeah. But, I mean, they're not even making people move that much anymore.

After COVID, everything, after this whole George Floyd thing and the attacks on the police officers, like, there's very few things they're enforcing that they used to enforce. They used to kick the, where our old studio studio was they used to kick them off the streets they used to not let them park on the street now they're all over the streets i mean you'll go down one of the side streets in the valley and you'll see 15 on the van eyes area you'll see like 15 of them in a row 20 in a row there's basically villages of people that are living out of their mobile homes and most of them they barely can drive you know there's basically villages of people that are living out of their mobile homes and most of them they barely can drive you know there's a lot of them right it's all up

right we thought someone was shooting in front of our house we thought guns were going out in front of the studio rather and uh the security guys go out there and it's just one of those guys trying to start up his truck just backf's backfiring on him. Just bang, bang, bang. I mean, really loud. Like, we were like, oh, shit, it's going down right out front. But no, just a dude trying to move. Yeah, I figure when I needed to, felt like I needed to hire an armed guard to protect my home there, which turned out, you know, wouldn't have mattered. Probably didn't.

Yeah, probably didn't matter. But I was that worried about it you know just that uh i'm gonna go ahead and put somebody up there you know and i felt kind of you know odd about doing that but uh because i figure if somebody paid me to guard their house once people started coming at me i would just find another job right i would move on down the road and do something else for a living you need more than one guy right well there were actually two because my manager lives on that street too so he had one and i had one and uh but they never got it you know it's pretty high up there uh so they just never got that high you know it was down in the flats there were some problems the thing is once things start happening and you didn't start it, but you're doing it, like you're looting.

It takes a lot to get people to smash, get someone to smash a window, run into a store and steal things. It takes a lot. But once someone's smashed the window and there's three people in there stealing things, it's not that hard to run in there. That's what the problem with my mentality is.

Once things start happening, it seems normal. You get this butthead momentum going and you can't fucking stop it. It's very hard to stop. And once the genie's out of the bottle like it is in L.A., when they lit those cop cars on fire and smashed all those streets on Melrose and all the way down Hollywood Boulevard and just robbed all those stores, I was like, oh, you're not doing anything about this? No cops are stopping this.

You're going to let them? The strategy was to let them burn themselves out. Right. I'm like, well, you've just set a precedent. Heck, right. And it's going to take years to turn this fucking battleship around. Kind of like herd immunity is kind of what they were going for there. Eventually, it'll all be okay.

Yeah. I was, you know, I was shocked. I've been in a state of shock you know and and and somewhat depressed uh about the state of the nation you know and uh and the world that we live in and how what's the answer to all this you know is there an answer to all this uh and and it has affected me emotionally and and uh and not – certainly not because of what's happened to me. It's just my fear of what's happening to everybody else because I know I'm okay. Right.

And I'm in a great position to weather the storm. But that's one of the reasons why you're okay. The real danger is when the economic situation deteriorates into a place where it's unmanageable. And that's how it is for a lot of people. A lot of those people that are looting and robbing stores, like AOC said something ridiculous, like maybe those people are just stealing some bread to feed their families. Probably not. But the reason why they're doing it is because they're broke.

There's no rich people out there looting. the reason why they're doing it is because they're broke that's there's no rich people out there looting no you know they're looting because they're desperate and because covid and the lockdown has put people into this unmanageable situation where they really don't have any light at the end of the tunnel they don't know what to do that's dangerous and so that's where you realize how much economic prosperity is attached to a civilized society if everybody's doing well everybody's fine but as soon as people aren't doing well right more is more danger there's more crime there's more you know and i don't know how that turns around when all these businesses go under and then people have what are they going to start new businesses no like how much government money just the number

of restaurants that we lost in austin that never come back. And small, but not just restaurants. That's the one I feel because I go out to eat every meal. But I know that these mom and pop shops were not prepared for this in any way, shape, or form. And they hung on for a minute and they're gone. And will they ever come back? You know, you hope so. But you wonder how. You know, God, you know, you hope so. Yeah. But you wonder how, you know, you wonder how.

Well, Austin, at least they're letting these people stay open with limited capacity and, you know, make people wear masks. In L.A., you can't do anything. I mean, L.A. is the one place in the whole country where you can't open a beauty salon. You can't. All these hairdressers and barbershops are fucked. Right. They've been closed for six months. You see that Nancy Pelosi shit? Did you see that? I did. open a beauty salon you can't these all these hairdressers and barbershops are fucked right they've been closed for six months you see that nancy pelosi shit did you see that that did how fucking crazy is that lady she she without a mat without wearing a mask i mean you want to talk

about a hypocrite the the fucking all the beauty salons are locked down she went into the beauty salon with no mask wandering around got a blowout when no one else could even go to the beauty salon they caught her on security camera they uploaded it and you know what she said it's a setup she said it was a setup right like they set her up like you know the fucking i don't even have any hair right and i know you can't go to a beauty salon i mean it doesn't apply to you joe literally literally doesn't apply to me at all and I know you can't go to a beauty salon. It doesn't apply to you, Joe. Literally. Literally doesn't apply to me at all.

And I know the fucking rules. She's the Speaker of the House. You're telling me you don't know the rules in your district in San Francisco? You don't know the rules? Of course you know the rules. Of course you do. It's so slippery.

That lady handed Trump a giant gift. Yeah, it was almost like when Hillary called the supporters a basket of deplorables. I'm like, you just handed a man that had a baton a bat to hit you with. And not a regular one. That's just stupid. One of the ones with the barbed wire wrapped around it like the dude had a walking dead. Yeah, the minute I heard that, I was like, oh, God. I thought you're supposed to be smart she's

not smart she's just a politician she's just greasy they've just been doing it long enough so they know the moves to do in the right steps it's like yeah they're all gross it's just there's no getting around it you you can't you can't survive in that business if you're if you're not gross right you just that's how you get there that's how you stay there and they they they they feed off of the fact that they have control. They feed off of the fact that they have power over other people. They have more power than anyone else. And that's one of the reasons why she would do something like that.

You tell me she can't get someone to come to her house and wear a mask and give her a blowout. She's worth $100 million. Of course she can do that. But she's like, I'm going to walk right in there and they're going to do it for me. I'm not going to wear a mask. Right. I've never washed my own hair. She's going to stroll right in there like she owns the joint.

It's just like when you see politicians being hypocritical, like that lady in Chicago, the mayor of Chicago. She's like, you know, talking up these people in these peaceful protests and everything's fine. But then they tried protesting on her block. She set up fucking armed guards. She made a mandate. You can't, I don't know, a mandate. She just said you can't protest on her street. Right.

I have a right to protect my own safety. Like, bitch, that's what everybody's trying to do. Right. That's what we're into. That's what we're doing in here. That's what we're doing. But that's what people feel when they get into a position of power that's the problem with power that's the problem with whether it's garcetti or newsom or anybody dictating any of these rules when someone gets into a position of power it's

fucking intoxicating the ability to tell people you can't work right shut it down you know start it up shut it down like it's intoxicating and once you have some power boy it's very difficult to give that power up i i anticipate that even if they figure out a real cure for coronavirus i anticipate lockdowns now for flu i think there's going to be lockdowns for all sorts of diseases that kill a certain amount of people you could you could it might be my might be wrong but you could see it happening you could see it happening because they've set a precedent for them having the ability to dictate whether or not people work and whether or not people are allowed to move freely and do whatever they want. Because that's what happens when people have power. It's a fucking dangerous intoxicant.

Well, I believe you're right about that. that it's dizzying how sexy power is and how sexy you feel when you have it. But I don't think, you know, I think we find a vaccine and we move on. Or the aliens land. I've been thinking the aliens are coming. You know, I was talking to a buddy of mine the other day another billionaire i got a few billionaire buddies and you i know it's a good move i don't really i think i'm sucking up to him for a reason they'll tell

you in advance what's about to happen well uh and uh well well this one this guy, particular guy, is really, really, really smart. And he has no doubt in his mind whatsoever that aliens are dancing among us. I think he's right. Pass me the little baby cigars, Ron White. I love those things. The white one or the dark one? Are there different colors? Well, there's this one.

Oh, that's not a cigar. I know what the fuck that is. That's a CDB. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That we were talking about earlier. Give me some of that light. Thank you, sir. Yeah, I'm convinced.

I'm 100% convinced. I used to be 60%. And you were up to 100? Yeah, I talked to Commander Fravor, David Fravor. At one time in my life, I could do 75 push-ups, and I'm down to three. You can get back up to 75. No, I don't want to. I'll show you how.

All right. You got nothing else to do. I've talked to people that have seen them. I talked to this one guy who was a pilot in the, is he the Air Force or Navy? Navy pilot, I believe. Commander Fravor is in the Navy. And he encountered this thing that they call the Tic Tac UFO. This is an object that they tracked on radar that went from 60,000 feet to one foot above sea level in less than a second.

They don't know how fast it did it because it was literally a blip in the radar. It went from 60,000 feet down to one feet. They have no idea how fast it moved. They have no idea how it did it. It shows no signs of propulsion. There's no heat, no exhaust signature there's nothing that has any indication that it's acting in any way like in any propulsion system that we've ever observed

before yeah John was telling me to watch a show called Close Encounters whatever it was you just found it oh it's back again there's a little folks if you hear there's a little again There's a little Folks if you hear

There's a little Hum There's a little strange Audio hum That Jamie's trying to track down I think it's aliens We'll get this worked out Yeah

We'll get it worked out I don't think anybody's gonna care They might I don't think so So you If I had to give you a percentage Of whether or not aliens are real What's the percentage for you

um 81.3 that's a good number 81.3 that's likely yeah likely i mean how could it not be you know how could it not be uh uh i i i you know i really don't even it was kind of odd that he and I were talking about it but he has a really nice plane and he lives in Malibu and Austin and so every time he moves from one city to the other it happens to fit my schedule exactly right so I'm like that's weird

I was going to Beverly Hills today how about I hop on the plane run I'm on it by myself come on let's go and uh nice so uh when he pops back down to austin even if just for a couple of days you know i hop on and i i really enjoy this guy's mind and i consider him a mentor in business and life i know who you're talking about john paul uh dejorio and uh but he just started talking about it i hear nothing but good things about that guy.

God, he's the best. I hear he's a fascinating dude. Oh, yeah. You know, if he would do your podcast. You think he'd do it? I think he would. I would love to have him on. You know, he's a guy that started selling shampoo out of the trunk of his car, you know, and sold Patron, I think, last year for $5.1 billion and still owns 60 other companies, including Paul Mitchell, which he started.

Here's the thing. At what point do you stop working when you're that guy? Never. Never. He never wants to stop. He never considers stopping. I was so shocked when he sold Patron because I just didn't think he ever would, you know, because he doesn't need to sell it. And, but for whatever reason he did. And,

and in fact, I said something that made him laugh really hard because he told me about it. He called me and told me, so I sold it to Bacardi for 5.1 billion. And I said, well, that sounds like a lot of money, but it sounds like more money when you realize the point one is a hundred million dollars that's a that's like the biggest point one there is right there is no point one trillion there that doesn't even exist it's a point one billion is a hundred billion but he said that uh to watch him watch a show which i never watched because i i think he got an advanced copy of it, which was Close Encounters of the Fifth Kind, is what it's called. I looked it up, and

it was coming on something, but it hadn't been on yet, so I think he just got an advanced copy of it. And he said that it'll take every single doubt out of your mind that's ever been there. Wait a minute. Isn't that a Stephen Greer movie? No, that's Close Encounters of the Third Kind. No, no, no. That's Steven Spielberg. Oh, yeah. Okay, Steven Spielberg. Stephen Greer movie. No, that's Close Encounters of the Third Kind. No, no, no.

That's Steven Spielberg. Oh, yeah. Okay, Steven Spielberg. Steven Greer's the guy we had on the podcast before. Oh, that wrote the... Yeah, he's a... No, he's a ufologist. Air quotes.

Okay. Sideways face. Right. Skeptical hippo face. Right. Blink monocle. There's a lot of fuckery in that UFO world There's a lot of people that are making documentaries

And a lot of people that are There's a real good one though About Bob Lazar Called Bob Lazar UFOs in Area 51 I think that's exactly the title of it But it's by my friend Jeremy Korbel And it's about this guy Who was a physicist

Who worked at Area S4 In the Nevada desert. Right. Back engineering this craft that the government had recovered. And immediately upon working there, realized like, what in the fuck is this? Like right away knew that this was no technology that we had currently available. I mean, this guy was a physicist, a nuclear physicist at Los Alamos Labs. Right.

Worked on weapon systems and shit. Right, and window and got there and was like what are you guys doing like what what is this and they were basically explaining like these are recovered ufos and one of them apparently according to him was very old and that it was from some sort of an archaeological dig that they found and the propulsion system that these things used was that they used this element called Element 115 that wasn't even proven to actually exist until, I think it was 2013. They proved that it exists in a particle collider. But this guy was talking about in 1989,

and he said that they had a stable supply is that your phone that keeps doing that oh i'm sorry that's all right it's weird maybe maybe that's the whole problem that's ufos the um but this documentary is fascinating because the propulsion system that he's describing is exactly the same that commander fravor had described in the tiktok TikTok UFO that they found off of... You just got to shut it so it doesn't make noise. I just turned it off. Did you?

Nobody needs me. They do. I need you. I'm irrelevant, dude. You're not irrelevant. No, no, no, no, no. Stop saying that. Anyway, the propulsion system that he described in 1989 is exactly the same propulsion system that they witnessed this TikTok UFO using in 2007 or whatever it was that David Fravor had seen this thing off the coast of San Diego. So what those people that saw these crafts that were monitoring them in the military, they were saying they see these like every few months. They see these things and they don't know what the fuck they are. They don't know what to do. They scramble jets to go watch them. They actively block their

tracking systems and then they disappear faster than you can look at it. Just take off. They have no idea what they are. They don't know where they're from. They don't know what they're doing. And then the Pentagon recently has come forth and released these statements. And one of them being that they've recovered crafts that are not of this world. 86.6. I'm up to 86.6. Pass that letter.

My little cigarillo went out of... Oh, no. I dropped some dirty tobacco juice in this fucking thing. I'm going to scoop that bad boy out of there. I'm going to keep drinking. But I'm in, dude. I'm like 95%. You're down from 100 and I'm up to 86.

Yeah. I listen to my own bullshit. Right. Dude, stop. Stop. You're about... I'm going to drink this with the ashes. I don't give a fuck.

Oh, fuck. I got to turn my phone back on because I got to show you... What are you going to show me? The pig. UFOs? No, the pig. The pig.

Whitney Cummings pig? Whitney Cummings pig. I mean, there's no way you could possibly. There it is. It's right there. Kapow. There it is. Yeah, that's it.

That's Whitney Cummings pig. She was the first person to explain to me that those miniature pigs are not real. No, right. That's proof right there, right? How little is that pig? Well, they think they're miniature pigs because they starve them. yeah that's proof right there right yeah how little is that pig well they think they're miniature pigs because they starve them so people buy this little tiny pig they go oh this is a miniature it's a teacup pig and i go oh great who wouldn't want that you know yeah you feed it right and it grows to be you know alex ramundo bought three of them

and they they he did he lived up in palmdale. And eventually they just got out. And then every once in a while you'd see them. Now they have tusks and they weigh 450 pounds. So this place. Do they recognize him? Let's finish the story we were on. Which story? The UFO part?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then go back into the pigs. The Bob Lazar documentary is a must-see. I'm directing it. You should see it. Direct away. I love you. I'm directing it. You should see it. No, direct away. I love you. Do whatever you want.

But the Bob Lazar documentary is a must-see. If you're curious and on the fence about UFOs. And I had that guy in here. I talked to him. He gave one of the first interviews that he's given in a long fucking time. And I picked his brain for hours. I'll go back and listen to it. He didn't seem like a bullshit artist to me.

There's some weird parts of it, but there's always going to be weird parts when you're talking about literally back engineering something that someone from another planet invented and using some technology that we don't understand.

And one of the analogies that he had was imagine if you brought a nuclear reactor to the 1400s and introduced it to them, which 1400s is nothing, 600 years ago right in terms of the age of the universe it's a fucking not even a blink of an eye i think we

could just go back to 1800s 1800s show them a nuclear pretty surprised about a nuclear let's go to 1936 yeah show a nuclear reactor that was his um his analogy i get it like this technology is it is technology it's clear that they figured out how to manipulate this element and use it to, to bend gravity. And that's the propulsion system. Instead of using something that pushes like a fire that pushes against, you know, the wind and pushes you in a certain direction or propeller that pulls you into a certain direction. Instead of that, it bends gravity. that pulls you into a certain direction. Instead of that, it bends gravity.

And the way he described it, it's like if you put a massively heavy bowling ball in the center of a bed, right? And it just sunk everything into the bed. That's basically like a very crude description of what this element does. And with this reactor that they have on these spaceships, that it literally bends gravity around and allows you to just instantaneously jettison that ship into another position in the universe. I'd say, stop, Joe.

I'm getting a bloodletting. They're draining my blood into a bowl to cure something that I think I've got. What did you say again? Yeah. I think they've been here forever. I think they've been coming down here and observing us and waiting. And it also coincides with there's a giant jump in sightings right after the Manhattan Project. Right.

So right after we started blowing up bombs, they were like, hey, hey, hey, these fucking monkeys have figured out some shit. Let's go visit them again. They probably got a news wire. They probably got a Google News alert on their phones. They're like, oh, Christ, look at these things. Look at these crazy monkeys. What have they done? What have they done?

What have they done? Okay, 91. I'm up to 91. What are you down to? I'm down to 50%. I'm going to try to are you down to i'm down to 50 we're uh i'm i'm worried about trying to pull you out of it i'm always worried about things that i want to believe if i want to believe it i'm always skeptical right me too i don't want to fuck up your delicious tequila with ashes

let me refresh you there thank you are you gonna rinse I'm over here doing the dishes Oh a little rinse I mean This is the job I've been looking for right here Made service at Joe Rose The only reason why I don't believe 100% all the time Is because I know I want to believe 100% So I think that I'm full of shit Thank you sir

I'm worried about my own desire to believe Right Cause when you want to believe. Right. Because when you want to believe something... You can. It's easier to. Yeah, you can convince yourself of shit that's not accurate. It's tricky. Right.

Like, you know, many things. You know, I was wondering how Trump got evangelicals to support him. And then I read the stories about Falwell Jr. And I'm like, it all makes sense now. Falwell Jr. was going, you know what? I don't see anything wrong with any of it. And then he told that to the rest of the guys. And then, oh, was I laughing so hard.

You know, my parents used to take me to see God, who was his name? Jimmy Swagger? Swagger, yeah, Swagger. Remember when he got busted? Oh, yeah. I have sinned. And I'm like, I am the straightest human being

sexually in the world compared to these guys. And I just, but when this happened i laughed so hard because i just started thinking about him patting trump on the shoulder going hey you know what it's i get it i get it hey it's liberty university right you want freedom and i was i was just searching for all that information and then it got to the point where he admitted that his wife had to fare with a pool boy that's right out of a magazine that's not even true you know so but but it is true and he goes but i wasn't there watching and i'm like i already don't believe you

i already don't believe you so it says my wife had an affair, but I wasn't there watching. I'm like, wait. What was that? The fuck just happened? What did you just say? You weren't there watching? Okay. Whatever.

I did not fuck that guy's pig. I didn't do it. What? Why did you even bring it up? What are you talking about, man? Where's that from? I already don't believe you. I think they're all freaks. Yeah. I do, too. you would bring it up and what are you talking about man where's that where's that from i already don't believe i think they're all freaks yeah i mean all the evangelicals that make all that money

there's no way they just yeah power yeah there's no way they just stop at the money i used to do stand-up comedy in this in the sheraton sankey hotel in clear, Florida, which is the same hotel where Jessica Hahn fucked Jim Baker. In the presidential suite up there. Oh, man. It's the same story, right? It's always the same story.

And then Kennison ended up fucking her, right? Yes. What goes around comes around. Kennison and her were on Stern together. I think she called in when Kennison was there. But she was on, Kinison and her were on Stern together. I think she called in when Kinison was there and she was calling him a fucking loser. He's like, you're a whore.

Yeah, I remember. Terrible. I remember. It was so terrible. But the fact that she went from being this lady who fucked this famous preacher to being this quasi-celebrity, and this was before reality TV.

You've got to remember, back in those days, there was only a few of those weird pseudo-celebrity. And this was before reality TV. We've got to remember back in those days, there was only a few of those weird pseudo-celebrities. Right. So maybe the beginning of reality TV. Yeah, in a way. Yeah, in a way, that was the beginning. Well, you know, Tammy Faye wasn't blowing him right. Probably not anymore.

She probably had it to get to the dance. Yes. But she lost interest in it. Once she was in and she had the eyelashes yeah it kind of stunk one day and she got afraid of it didn't she die from diet coke i think she's one of them people that they go man maybe she i think she drank like 100 diet cokes a day like a week ago i was into what is this uh it's like i hooked up with this girl what does it say jerry fowler jr allegedly caught on tape warning pool boy not to make wife jealous.

What? This is the one I thought you guys were talking about. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that handsome fella. That young boy. Apparently he would watch. The young fella would say that Jerry Jr. Sit in the corner and watch.

But imagine if you're your dad. There was a point in my life where I would have watched her fuck him if I was bored. Yeah, you have to be real bored. Well, for that one. Yeah, I mean, you have to be real bored. Unless you're like... Unless you are trying to really corrupt your wife. You're like, I know what I'm going to do.

I'm going to get some guy to fuck her in front of me and that bitch can't say shit right now on i could do all kinds of wild stuff like i watched the pool guy fuck you i was in the right i had my arms crossed i got pictures on my cell phone i was watching you suck his dick like this if you want i mean if you really want to corrupt someone to the point where they got to leave you alone with all your deviance. That would be one way to do it. That's probably the best way. If you're a woman, because like a woman cheating on a man for whatever reason seems more scandalous than a man cheating on a woman in general. And then on top of that, i don't know why it seems more

scandalous but it does easy joe because it seems like men cheating well it's all dependent upon the person it's all on the individual but it's scandalous because it's more scandalous because the man's letting her like there's more threesomes and i'm just pulling this number out of my hat but i think there's more threesomes that and I'm just pulling this number out of my hat. But I think there's more threesomes that involved the wife or the girlfriend bringing in another woman. Right. Than ever than a guy bringing in another guy. Dude, right, right. Like, hey, you know, I love my wife, but she wants, hey, Bob, she wants you to fuck her.

So I'm going to watch. That's probably way more rare. Probably way, way, way, way more rare probably way way way way more because i have multiple friends that have had their their girlfriend or their wives bring home other gals it seems normal now i had a i had a friend that would the winner friend whatever but the first time i met him i was playing golf with him and he showed me a video fucking tape of his wife getting banged by a really attractive, huge black guy. And he didn't even know me. And he goes, look at this.

He handed me the camera. That's my wife. That's my wife. And I'm like, okay. That's my April. All right. Well, can I get a check, please? I'm going to have to go.

Yeah, that's a guy who's establishing some very loose boundaries. Right. Very, very loose. Very loose for himself, too. But for your go. Yeah, that's a guy who's establishing some very loose boundaries. Right. Very, very loose. Very loose for himself, too. But for your friendship. Yeah. I think it's going to go real weird with that guy. He's already showing you video of his wife getting fucked.

I was thinking that he was trying to rope me into this. Probably. And if I would have done it, then he would have gotten footage of that. And then, boom, he'd have had liberties with me too. You don't know what I would have done to get rid of that. Right, that's what I'm saying. That's probably how they do it. There's a lot of like sex is such a weird thing in terms

of like what's acceptable to some folks is deviant to others. And I think there's a lot of these people that are evangelical types in particular especially that probably these people that are evangelical types in particular, especially, that probably they can't hold that standard. There's no way.

Right. Right? That standard of piousness. They're out there speaking God's word. Right. They're doing it to thousands and thousands of people. And it's a powerful position, which makes women horny, you know? And then you start getting these little opportunities pop up that would have never popped up if you were down at the First Baptist Church of Oaxaca, right?

But now you're the first Baptist of the world. Right. And it's probably kind of hot, right? A woman comes up, a real deeply Christian woman. Jerry Falwell Jr., I just tell you, I am a woman of God. But there's something about you that brings a fire to my loins. Next thing you know, you're doing coke in a penthouse. Yeah, with a big old glass of red wine.

Woo! Pouring everywhere. Woo! Oh, baby. Yeah. Oh, baby. You're crushing up pills. Yeah.

Come on. Donald, listen. Don't sweat that. Donald Trump's my friend. I'll call him right now. And they were like, what? No, Donald Trump? Really?

Mar-a-Lago. I got a gold card. Look at that gold card. Why else would you be a billionaire? Why else? Come on, man. Don't you want to party? Yeah, right. Why else? Come on, man. Don't you want to party? Yeah, right.

You should go at it, man. What the fuck are you doing? You just want to be a billionaire? Your bank account's full. Your balls are empty. What are you going to... Exactly. What is the point?

Am I in the way, Jamie? Am I fucking up his camera? We're... It's turning real blue for a second. Oh, it's the aliens. I don't like this conversation. What happens when you talk about them? Or the televangelists.

Yeah. As soon as someone is telling you how to live your life and people are listening, boy, that gets fucking crazy. Right. What you can and can't do, what God wants. Right. Remember that Hicks bit about Jesse Helms and he's... How'd he go? There was something about that they were interviewing his wife

after he died, and she was talking about Jesse's collection of little shoes and... Oh, that's right. Well, that's what's so fucked up. You remember when you used to think that pedophile cults were just some ridiculous conspiracy theory you know like oh hey man there's an island and they fly people out to the island they fuck underage girls like hell that isn't really going on jeff get out of here with this nonsense meanwhile clinton's like well he was my friend we flew a lot oh that's good we flew

together it's not a big deal he's a good guy i played golf with him once and uh and he told me a joke it was uh or he set it up as a story so it was pretty good you know and he goes it was a rapper friend that he knows and and uh he was in a maserati dealership and all thugged out. And the guy goes, are you thinking about buying one of these cars? And he goes, no, I'm going to buy one of those cars. I'm thinking about pussy. Yeah, that's an old joke. Is it? It's an old joke.

Clinton's a hack. Yeah, Clinton. I hadn't heard it. So to me, it was just Clinton telling me a story with the word pussy in it. I'm thinking about pussy. All right. Yeah. Did you ever do impressions or do you just do that one i got i got a few impressions yeah yeah but he's one of my favorite i did i had this bit uh that i was doing for a while i don't know if you ever saw it about

uh i had a new netflix show called ex-presidents high on mushrooms and uh the the whole goal of the show was just to get clinton and that you don't want to get bush because he would just start crying all right you know but but in obama probably he knows how to do mushrooms like he'll probably be cool with you like that probably wouldn't even be that big a deal right but but if you can get clinton high on mushrooms like just just get that guy to trip balls right Right. He should have been a comic. That's what I think. Should have been a sax player.

You know who should have been a comic? That Wiener guy. Oh, yeah. Anthony Wiener? Yes. Should have been a comic. That guy was full-blown dumb enough. Right? To become a comedian.

Just sending his dick out to everybody. He went to jail for sending his dick to underage people, though, right? Right. That's what he did. But how do you know how old that person is you're sending that big pick to be careful you can only hope careful he didn't know but these fucking perverts and deviants you know i see perverts and deviants that are good speakers i'm like man you missed the open mic night you sure fucked up you could have brought this to a bigger audience you're in

the wrong business you're in a business where you get chastised and you you lose everything for being who you are instead of like selling out stadiums right instead of people laughing you fucked up bro so you're an arena comedian right i used to be before the Great Plague no but I mean that's the you know the size of numbers you draw when you decide to do stand up is there coliseums and like that did you ever think that would happen in your life I don't think it's happening when it's happening all right like when I'm you're able to ignore it when I'm getting interested well most of the time I'm high right so when I'm getting introduced there's a moment where i do not believe it's real and that that that moment is always that's at comedy clubs that's at theaters and it's most most certainly

at arenas there's a moment where they're like ladies and gentlemen please welcome joe rogan and you walk into a theater in the round, and there's 15,000 people there. Right. It just does not feel real. It does not feel real. It never feels real, but I know how to do it. Yeah, right. So I just go out and do it like it feels real.

What's up? What's up? I've earned it. What's up? What's up? This makes sense. This is normal. This is where I live.

It doesn't make sense. I think when it makes sense, I'm in trouble. When it doesn't freak me out, that's when I'm in trouble. Yeah. Yeah. When we were doing Blue Collar, I think the biggest one we did was a little over 20,000 at the place where they play hockey in Nashville. And we'll always have the record or attendance there because we had the smallest stage elton john used to hold it but we had a smaller stage in the middle right so we could build it up all

the way around it and it was packed to the rafters with these huge tvs right wow and uh and then afterwards we go back to the lowes hotel and Hotel, and there's a guy there from a magazine doing interviews. And my head is so pumped up. I was like, well, I said some stupid shit. And Foxworthy was just regular, humble, sweet Foxworthy, right, who never makes a mistake in those kind of ways because that's his nature, right? He doesn't get drunk enough, right? Yeah, I do, right? I get plenty drunk to say the wrong fucking thing.

Of course. So there were just some really arrogant-sounding quotes out of that. But what's my head supposed to feel like after that, after I just walk off stage with 20,000 people screaming like I'm a beetle or whatever? It's crazy. And how do I calm down from that i don't know how you do i don't know i've never figured it out i just i just uh shake my head and

go wow is that real that's why those rock stars died at 27 you know they didn't they couldn't figure that out and it happened to them young it didn't happen to me till i was in my late 40s not only that it happened to them before it happened to anybody else before them right there was no rock stars before the rock stars. So before the 50s and the 60s, there's nobody selling out 25,000 seats. Like, of course Elvis died on the toilet. Right, exactly. Filled with pills.

Who the fuck is he supposed to manage this thing that no one's ever had to manage before? No idea. There's no blueprint. There is none. For us, we could look at Chris Rock and Richard Pryor and Steve Martin and all these other big acts that came before us and go, okay, how did these guys handle it? Can I talk to them? Could I sit down with Louis C.K.?

Could I sit down with Dave Chappelle? Will he tell me what it was like? Yeah, what mistakes do you not make? Yeah, what is it like when you walk out there? It's set with booby traps, and I stepped in every one of them. I mean, it was like I was trying to hit them all. I was like, clonk, clonk, cl clunk clunk really are they everywhere i put a foot it's fun when you do it with other people chappelle and i did a bunch of gigs and we were supposed to do a bunch more

until the covid hit but um we we broke the record of the tacoma dome it was 25 000 people you just said that to beat my number of 20 000 i just had it in my pocket right and he's like oh i got this i'm gonna throw it on him a dj and you know right he's like the whole thing is so crazy the lights are spinning around and everything and there's a there's a thing that you feel like first of all you like and dave said to me right right before he went on stage like we were hanging out in the back and he's like not a lot of motherfuckers get to do this right he was right too it was the way he said it right like man like yeah and dave like me gets fucked up before shows right he's like uh i like hanging out with other dudes you get really high before shows because there's something about that wild ride i akin it to i liken it to skiing downhill when you're going too fast right you know you're in

trouble but you could still do it yeah you make it you land at the end you're like whoa that was dangerous because i really didn't have control of that at one point in my comedy career my goal was to be smoking a joint outside that door take a big hit ladies and gentlemen ron white blow the hit out in their face hi at one point in time and then you did it so many times it's like all right yeah it's a fun way to do comedy there's just uh the the most fun thing about comedy is not just doing comedy but doing comedy with other people that are also enjoying doing comedy that's like that's why the fucking store is so great right i know that's why we have to recreate that here my friend well you know but you're moving it out to a fucking ranch dude do we all get to live on the

ranch you want to i'll set that up that'd be great i will absolutely be interested in that we all move out to the ranch and i'll set up a barbecue chunks of property on the land just for comics how about every comic every comic that's like a legit headliner gets like a two acre plot of land on the ranch you got a nice yard you do whatever you want build a house for you do we gotta come on do we gotta do you don't have to fuck anybody but you gotta fuck my wife and i'm gonna film it i gotta tell you i just met her and i'm in she's hot oh god i had no idea i mean i figured she was but i'd never seen a picture of her anything my favorite person she's so beautiful and what a nice lady got a cool personality and

but yeah you could watch. Sure. I wouldn't care who saw that. Woo! Bring in the pool boy. Who's got the camera? I don't really want to have a cult on a ranch, but I do think it would be fun to have a comedy club out there. You know, there's this really cool building.

It's not too far from your house, and it a you know you ever I wish I wish I knew the titles or some of this stuff but it was a cult and they built a theater right over here right next to uh right next to Travis you know what they were we went to see Monty Montgomery that night didn't you go with us over there to play that theater the little 350c i should just explain to people that are just listening sometimes he asks questions to his son marshall who's in the room right so it's like what do you what who your uncle like what are you saying right now he's my memory there it is jamie's got it one world theater yeah oh shit it's uh this guy was a cult figure and he built this for him to dance oh. Oh, look at him. Look at the dude.

Right. Oh, look at him with no shirt on. Look at his abs. Right. Oh my God. Of course he had abs. So this is over by your house and it seats about 350 people.

I did a show there the other night. How many people? Look, there it is right there. 350? I think so. It doesn't look like 350 there. That's perfect. That's the perfect size for a comedy club.

Yeah, it is. Was that guy dead? Well, the cult dissolved, and now they do occasional shows in it. Is the guy still alive? Click on him, James. I don't know. Click on him down there, the lower right-hand corner, the bottom picture. I don't think that's him.

No? Below it. Below it. Below that. The one below that. Below that. Right there. That one.

That's him. That's a cult guy. Yeah. Gu one below that. Below that. Right there. That one. That's him. That's a cult guy. Yeah. Yeah, there he is. Yeah, there's something on Netflix now that I watch. He just looks full of shit. Yeah, doesn't he? Doesn't he?

There's a certain fake spiritual look that's one of my favorite looks. He looks like he would fuck anybody. Anybody. I always feel like with fake spiritual women women they're just trying to find themselves i give them a free pass right but fake spiritual dudes i'm like you're just trying to fuck i see what you're doing you're looking for an angle you're just trying to get an angle on some lost women i know what you're doing bro yeah nice abs though huh crazy abs guy must be watching his diet yeah a lot of sit-ups yeah yeah but anyway that building is right over by your house and uh well i don't want a cult

building that seems like i thought you did that's why it gave me this idea you were the one bringing up the kilt shit i'm gonna do it the right way this guy's an ass out on a ranch the key to a successful cult is you have no membership do whatever you want you don't have I'm going to do it the right way. This guy's an asshole. Out on a ranch. Out on a ranch. The key to a successful cult is you have no membership, do whatever you want. You can leave whenever you want. You don't fuck everybody's wife, and you don't take 10% of their money.

That's the key. What's the point? That's the thing. They're doing it all wrong. What's the point? There's no point. All right. The point is just stay slightly drunk and keep moving.

Right. That's the point. I would like to say,-da you're doing it already yeah yeah micro dosing and slightly drunk yeah that should be the title of your book have you ever written a book a new york times bestseller oh shit ron why i had the right to remain silent but i didn't have the ability was uh number one it tied for 15th place which makes you a number one bestseller and uh for the rest of your life that's amazing put it on your fucking tombstone that's pretty amazing and uh basically it was just a they had asked me to do it and i said no and uh and then

they asked me again and said for this much money i said no i don't have time i'm not gonna write a book it's not what i do i'm doing stand-up, and I'm doing well. Because it was after everything was clicking, right? And then they said, how about we just copy a transcript of your show and put that in there, and then you just add a couple stories. I'm like, for how much? And they said, this much. And I said, yeah, all right, let's do that. And I had to go on a book tour, which was a pain in the ass,

and sign books. But still, it was a New York Times bestseller. Congratulations. I'm also an honorary member of Harvard Lampin. Are you really? Yeah. All right. What else?

Which was very cool. You really good at badminton or something like that? I'm okay at ping pong. I used to be good at ping pong, but not anymore. Ping pong is tricky, man. Yeah, tricky. That's a touch thing. You've got to be... You've got to have a ping pong table good at ping pong. Ping pong is tricky, man. Yeah, tricky. That's a touch thing. You've got to be...

You've got to have a ping pong table in your ping pong all the time. But I was good at 160 pounds. I doubt it. At 215, I don't think I'm that good. I think I've lost some of my twitch. I get it. It's hard on the knees, too. There's a lot like tennis.

When I see people playing tennis, I'm like, man, you only have so much meniscus i know i did you know that's dr phil you know i play golf with dr phil but he plays tennis that's his game and it keeps his knees so fucked it's a great game i love playing it that's always good too i'm out there it's amazing how much he sounds like clinton but it's no it's a little different it's different i. I know, it's different. But that tennis keeps his knees fucked up. And he's a six-foot-four big guy. Well, he tore his shoulder apart too, right? Did you see Pickleball? What is this?

Oh, yeah, I've heard of that. They have it in Venice Beach, but it's a thing that's pop. It's tennis for old people, but it's popular here in Austin apparently. So you don't have to move as much. Yeah, look how fat that dude is. Look at that fat guy. Yeah. Oh, oh.

He just hurt his knee too. Look. Yeah. But see, once you play virtual reality games, this just seems like a stupid waste of time out there playing pickleball.

You know, you play like one of them sandbox games. You ever gone to a sandbox? You know what that is? No. It's a virtual reality studio where you go to like a warehouse.

They strap you up with a haptic suit so you feel when you get hit and you put a helmet on so you're in virtual warehouse. They strap you up with a haptic suit so you feel when you get hit. You put a helmet on so you're in virtual reality. You wear gloves and you play these fucking crazy games. All kinds of wild games. You're on a pirate ship and the pirate ship gets taken over by demons

and skeletons are chasing after you. You shoot muskets at the skeletons. I have one here apparently. Yeah, they do. I've seen it. I think the original one might have been in Austin. I believe so. But I played it in Woodland Hills out near the old studio. And it's a blast?

Oh, my God. It's fucking awesome. It's so much fun. It's so much fun. And it makes you realize, like, you were around when Pong came out. Remember when you had the little turn? Yeah. Boop, boop.

We thought everything that could be invented had been invented. Yeah. So this is fast forward a little bit. Remember when you had the little turn? We thought everything that could be invented had been invented. Yeah. So this is fast forward a little bit. I don't care about these people signing up. I can't. Oh, you can't? Oh, okay.

We don't have all the glitches figured out. They go through this thing. You put this thing on your foot and on your hands and the suit and the headgear. And then you go into these rooms and you're transformed into this avatar, and you play these wild fucking games. And that was an awesome one. The zombie one is awesome. You're in a house, and the house is overcome by zombies,

and they come falling out of the ceiling and running towards you, and you're gunning them down. But your weapon's good? Yes. I mean, you can take them out? Yes. Their heads explode. It's fucking awesome. It's amazing.

Yeah, you're gunning them down. Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. And you watch their little zombie bodies get riddled fucking awesome. It's amazing. Yeah, you're gunning them down. Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. And you watch their little zombie bodies get riddled with bullets. It's amazing. But it's like when we're talking about playing Pong. Do-do-do-do. Like when we were kids and we were first playing that, like this is incredible.

I'm playing something that's on the TV. That is what I look at when I look at these games. And I say, what is it going to be like in 50 years? What is it going to be like in five years? Five years. It's going to be fucking amazing. It's not going to be pickleball. Five months, right?

It ain't going to be pickleball. Pickleball's on the way out the fucking door. It's going to be awesome. It's going to be spaceships. You're going to be hanging out with Bob Lazar. Because we played paintball, which stings, right? That actually hurts. Paintball has consequences. But which stings, right? That's the picture. That actually hurts. Yeah.

Paintball has consequences. But it's also fun as fuck. But this looks like this is another version of that in air conditioning. And you don't have to feel the pain of that paintball hitting you in the rib. They have one-on-one, like, sword fights. You fight with each other with, like, each other with modern crazy weapons type situations. My daughter killed me. She killed me in a one-on-one combat with swords.

You let her, didn't you? A little bit. But it was fun. They're fun games, man. You just imagine what it's going to be like doing something where you really can't distinguish. It's fun. You're seeing it all. It's wild. The video's wild. You feel it like your chest vibrates when you get hit it's pretty cool but

imagine what it's going to be like when you can't distinguish it between this and reality and you get to fuck the thing you're fighting that's gonna happen right sure that's next oh that's coming the moment they could figure out how to do that, like with this Elon Musk Neuralink, where they're doing that, the moment they could figure out how to tap into your senses to make you really feel like you're having sex with, like, you know, Tara Patrick in her prime. You know what I'm talking?

All right. Woo! Some super hot... What's up, Jamie? You got to watch that one Black Mirror episode. We were going to watch it that one day, and I was like, you should watch this at another time.

But, like, they set up this scenario where it's two guys playing virtual reality. One's a guy, one's a girl. And they fuck each other. And they end up realizing they can fuck each other. And that causes this whole fucking chaos of problems because they both have a girlfriend or wives, whatever the fuck. And they wind up banging each other? And they're like, who's going to be the girl though?

Oh boy. Oh boy. That would be the real question, right? That's the reason i want to go on living i want bridget bardo and me and uh sophia loren back in the day in 66 oh my god yeah back when ferraris had skinny tires the old days the old days people didn't know what are you driving now joe i got a lot of cars a lot of different stuff how many i like that you know i got the i got the 56 corvette i sure oh yeah it would have been rain i was going to drive it up here that's beautiful yeah i have that one that's 65 that's 65 is prettier than mine that's a crazy car man

that that's the car that i drive around where i can't believe it's mine yeah i can't believe that's really my car yeah when you bring that up because because you know the the parking lot at the at the comedy store is a shit show but it's a shit show between ultra successful comedians who have great cars and guys that haven't had a netflix special yet but as soon as they do get one they get a car and uh right and then you got uh you know it was never like that you know like that place is filled with like millions of dollars in cars now at least it was before the lockdown yeah right well the old days it was half the parking lot you know it was the but you had some really successful comics up there and then some great comics that hadn't hit it yet. Yeah. All doing shows.

But we were there the other day. There was a Ferrari, three Porsches, a Lamborghini. I was like, this is the craziest parking lot I've ever seen. Like Russell Peters' Lamborghini truck was there. And I was like, this is madness. This, I mean, it's, when it was rocking, you know, I mean, when I say this like the old days, but it was really only seven months ago. Right, seven months ago, rocking every night.

Fun as fuck. We were in the golden years. I mean, it really was. As far as comedy goes, I've been there since 94. Never been anything like it is now. Right. Because the internet energized it. That's because of your podcast and Marin's podcast and all the people that feed it are also working there every single night of the week that they weren't touring.

And, you know, it bred a place to go have fun. And I think it all stems from them. Their intrinsic nature was always to embrace stand-up comedy, and it didn't matter about your insanity. So if you wanted to be crazy, come be crazy here at the at the comedy store and smoke pot right here you have our own bar right here yeah and you can snort cocaine off this piano shaped fucking thing in the dressing room with the main room it's a mirror a mirror a little piano made out of mirrors that was built for prior to do blow off of and then many people followed in his footsteps and uh but they've embraced that and it made it fun and made comics feel important you're right yeah if you want to smoke pot at the

improv you have to go stand on melrose avenue and uh smoke it in traffic because they don't give that yeah they didn't care like they did it they didn't understand it the same way they did at the comedy the improv changed a little bit over the years. Well, they have a new club up there now, but I haven't been in it since it was finished. Yeah. There's something about the store where they realize that the comedians are why the people are there. Right. Whereas other clubs...

That's why the comics park right next to the door, and you park wherever the fuck you can. Yeah. Because you're going to get something that you didn't the fuck you can yeah and uh because you're gonna get something that you didn't even pay for when you walk in here yeah you know you're gonna you're gonna see rogan and cummings and and uh all the best comics in the world joey diaz just rocking the fucking place diaz moved to new jersey i talked to him about it, man. He's one of the guys that checks up on me. Yeah. Just to – I get a call once a month or every month and a half or whatever from Dia.

Ron White is still Dia's. How are you, cocksucker? Right. Just checking in on you. And you feel like he's doing it because he gives a shit. He does. He does. And, yeah, we were talking about it.

I was like, come to Austin with us. You know? This is what's going to happen. You know, if I'd have known about the ranch and the two acres, I could have. And a mule. Do we get a mule? I'll give you a mule. This is what's going to happen.

Joey Diaz is going to go through one New Jersey winter. You've got to realize, Joey's been out there with us since 96. He doesn't know what winter is anymore. No, he doesn't. He's going to go through one of those winter. You got to realize, Joey's been out there with us since 96. He doesn't know what winter is anymore. He's going to go through one of those shitty New Jersey winters, and then I'm going to call him up in April. I'm going to invite Joe Diaz. A mule? Really? Joe Diaz is a Spotify money's butter in a hole in my pocket.

Come on, man. Come on out here. I'll sponsor you. Let's make something happen. I got a club going on. I want you to do a residency. Let's get rolling. Come out here. And he'll do it. I want you to do a residency. Let's get rolling. Come out here. And he'll do it. I hope so.

I hope so. Call him on a really bad day. I might have to fly out there and bend the knee. I'll fly up there with you. We'll get them together. Let's do it. I'll do whatever I can do. I'm accepting the fact, because there's no comedy right now,

I'm accepting the fact that he went to New Jersey. But I'm only accepting it temporarily. It's like a big... Like, if you looked at my brain, like if my brain was a circle, like a pie, it'd be like a 15% sliver. Get Joey Diaz out of New Jersey. That's like 15% of my brain. 15%?

It's in there, man. He's the... Listen, he is... He's a big factor in all this. And in the store, and in my career, and in comedy, and podcasting in general. He's a big factor in uh all this and in the store and in my career and in comedy and podcasting in general he's a big factor because he's the party like when when joey diaz would like and especially me and him together because he knows what a fan i am of his right so when i'm in the room with him he knows how much i love him and he can just be free he can be wild and he

knows that i think he's the funniest guy that's ever lived. So when he's rocking and rolling and I'm in the room and I'm dying laughing, I'm the best audience ever because I love him. Yeah, yeah. He's just such a unique person. He's so unique. I don't know anybody like him. He's so wild and crazy, and his stories are so ridiculous.

He's just such a crazy person, but a good person, too. He's a really good guy. He's genuinely sweet. He's the sweetest guy. I mean, he calls to check on me. Everybody. Who would call to check on me? He does that to everybody.

Yeah. I assume he does. I mean, I assume he wouldn't just be checking on me. No, he's amazing. He's amazing. I love him to death. He's got this thing. He came from Jersey.

He wants to go back to Jersey. That's good. Let me get that out of your system. Do one winter there. Right. I'm going to take a picture on a canoe on Lady Bird Lake, kicking back with a margarita. Go, Joey, what are you doing? Are you digging yourself out of your fucking driveway?

Come to Texas. Come to Texas, Joey. We got a club. I can't do anything until I open up the club. And once I open up the club, then I'm going to start calling people. But Tim Dillon, he's going to come out here. Hinchcliffe wants to move out here. Red Band wants to move out here.

We're going to get a bunch of them out here. And once we have a club, then, I mean, we'll put up the bat signal. And I'm just going to – my goal for a club is not to make any money my goal is to break even and have everybody paid well and just just just just like let's establish a community and let's do a thing in in austin like we were doing in la where we're basically just working on the art and and having an awesome place where people can come to see great comics fuck around and work on material and because of the podcasts and because of us talking about on the podcast i think they understood what the store was for they understood that it was our hub right

it was our our our home and that we all we come like with a guy like you and a guy like me, and you're like, we don't necessarily work together. You know? You work at your places, and then I work at my places. And the only time we get together is at a club where we're working on material. Right. Because you're headlining in these big fucking places, and I'm going off to these other places. And we need a place where it's like a hub, like a home base.

And that's what the store was for us. But I think that's created because of comics. That's the reason when I played the store or the factory or the improv, when I played all of them, or Pasadena Ice House, I would never, ever let anybody come with me. Not whatever woman I was with, not any friends that I had. I would not let anybody go with me not whatever woman i was with not any friends that i had i would not let anybody go with me to those shows because i didn't want to worry about them i wanted to go there and be a part of the comedy community yeah and uh not to be bothered by anything else let this be my

time to recharge relax talk to people who have chosen the same exact path i've chosen in life and those are rare but they're gathered yeah right and we have access to them and uh that's why i live so close to there you know i lived a mile and a half i guess from if i didn't have kids i'd live right next door to that place right well you you could have had another room, you know. Yeah. So, the, so that, and that's what was so precious in drawing, you know, to me about it, is that I got to go talk stand-up comedy, tell jokes, laugh so hard I couldn't breathe. Just be around comics. Yeah, just didn't, and, you know, I always kept it to myself, you know, that was always my thing. Yeah, just be around. Not me bringing people to see me or my manager. Fuck you, dude. and uh you know i always kept it to myself you know that was always my thing yeah you know not me bringing people to see me or my manager fuck you dude don't you come see me at a big show

when i'm not trying new shit you know yeah yeah i know because if i'm eating it on stage and and i have a friend in the audience you know they feel horrible i don't you know it's not me that feels bad it's them and i feel bad for them feeling bad. I'm like, sorry. Fuck, I knew it wasn't going to work. I've had the same manager since I was an open mic-er. Wow. Yeah, my manager found me in Boston in 1990.

I don't want to say 1991. Yeah, I was basically just scratching out a living. I would get a few paid gigs, but I was basically just just scratching out a living like i would get a few paid gigs but i was basically a beginner you know i'd get paid gigs every now and again but i wasn't were you still shooting pool for money no i started doing that after i tore my acl i hurt my knee and i had to rehab my knee and i had to get knee surgery and i was hanging out with my friend john and we would go to uh this executive billiards in White Plains, New York. Because I had moved to New York to do stand-up because I met my manager in Boston.

And he flew me out to New York or brought me out to New York. And I lived there from then on. And I would go to this pool hall. And I started seeing – I got just stumbled into it, just blind luck. It was a pool hall where there was a lot of gambling. Like high stakes game. I saw $10,000 pool games. Wow. How fun.

Wild. Wild shit. People gambling and betting money and yelling. It was back in the day when you could smoke. So the whole place was filled with smoke. And it was like a different kind of deviance that was real similar to the deviance that I had experienced with comics and also the deviance that I experienced with fighters because I had you know I grew up in in martial arts I grew up around fighters and they were a different kind of deviant

and then then I'm around these pool hall deviants and I realized there's there's there's a bunch of different clusters of people that didn't accept the society standards. They're just like, I don't want to live like that. I don't want to do what these people are asking me to do. I want to live in a free way. You know, I want to be vagabonds. I met a lot of homeless people that I became friends with.

You know, I had homeless guys would sleep on my couch in my apartment, like guys who were just pool hustlers. They would come home. They didn't have anywhere to stay. They would sleep underneath the tables at Chelsea Billiards in New York because it was a 24-hour place. So when your manager found you, what were you doing? I was driving limos.

I had quit fighting by then, and I had quit even teaching because I was teaching at Boston University. I taught an accredited class in Taekwondo at Boston University. And that was when I won the U.S. Open. I had won a bunch of different national and regional Taekwondo tournaments. And I was basically a Taekwondo instructor and fighting and i was trying to make the olympic team but uh along the way i started kickboxing and i realized that taekwondo had all these fucking holes in it and then i realized that uh kickboxing was giving me

brain damage so sparring a lot and i was getting a lot of headaches and i was like i think i might be wrecking my brain and then i quit doing stand-up, or I quit fighting, rather, and I started doing stand-up. And I took on all these other jobs because I didn't want to short-change my students. So I stopped teaching because I just wasn't into it like I was before. I was obsessed with stand-up. So I quit my school. I quit teaching at BU. And I was driving limos, and I was working for a private investigator.

I was driving him around. He lost his license in the DUI. To this day, one of the funniest people I've ever met. Dynamite Dickless Dave Dolan. He was one of the funniest fucking dudes I ever met in my life. That's what he called himself. He would call me up.

He'd go, Smokin' Joe, it's Dynamite Dickless Dave Dolan. He remained my friend until the day he died. He died a few years back of cancer, unfortunately. But he remained my friend to the day. Well, actually, he had a bunch of medical issues. He had a stroke. A lot of shit went bad.

But great dude. But remained friends with him to the day he died. But he was literally one of the funniest people i've ever met that never never did stand up and what's funny is his cousin was bill downs who was one of the owners of the comedy connection and so just randomly i i fucking took i uh answered an ad you know we're talking about 1988 i answered an ad in the newspaper someone's looking for an assistant for a private investigator and I was like whoo that's a good job I'm being assistant to a private investigator that sounds exciting but really he needed a driver because

he lost his license on a DUI so I was driving dynamite dickless Dave Dolan around and we would catch people mostly it was mostly insurance scams mostly people that were uh you know like they were getting disability insurance and they were still working on the side we catch them doing that but occasionally it was like some guy wanted there was one one guy that day was falling around one guy who's uh his he had this wife that just kept fucking this bodybuilder and uh he would david get pictures of this guy plowing this girl and the guy was like okay we'll keep following her he's like hey you sick fuck he goes i gave you the pictures he goes i'm i'm not fucking he goes this guy wants pictures he wants the pictures he's asking me to keep following i got pictures of this guy your

wife we're done we're done buddy you had to meet the guy i mean he was such a boston like an irish boston character and he was uh and he's a private investigator never wanted to do anything else he loved it loved it love catching people yeah yeah there was a guy in my golf club in atlanta that was a private investigator and and our uh our assistant pro ended up going to work for him uh this uh we had these two two uh two really big guys both named uh was it jason they were the two jasons and uh one of them ended up being Colt Ford. You know who that is? Colt Ford? Yeah. It sounds like a character in a Tom Selleck movie.

I know. He was a country rapper. He's teaching me how to hit. There's Colt Ford. That's Colt Ford, right? Look at him. He looks like Ollie Joe Prater. Yeah. He told me Ollie Joe Prater. Yeah. He told me we're hitting balls.

He had a PGA Tour card for eight years. He's an amazing guy. Really? Yeah. Damn. And his show is fantastic, and people love it. He's got an Affliction shirt on. Right?

There's a few pictures of me out there with those on. Yeah. That's very unfortunate. Back in the on. Right? There's a few pictures of me out there with those on. Yeah. It's very unfortunate. Back in the day. But I'm hitting balls. He's working on my game. And he goes, I'm really a rapper. And I was like, can I get a check, please?

One of those other, I have a lot of can I get a check, please moments in my life. And never really spoke to him again on a serious level. But I was going to do the Tonight Show, and I knew that, oh, god damn, I can't believe it. I can't think of his name. My brain's been just skipping so bad today. But anyway, who was it that was on that show? One of the biggest rappers. Kid Rock?

No, no, no. Nas. Black guy, been around forever. Run DMC. Corn Rose, Corn Rose. Old Dirty Bastard. No, fuck. Corn Rose.

Been around, Jamie? I'm looking, hold on a second. You follow Black Twitter. Help us out. No, more famous than you can even imagine. Lil Wayne, something like that? No, even more famous than that. I could find the day you were on.

I don't know. More famous than Lil Wayne? Yeah. Jesus. Yeah. Kendrick Lamar? Snoop Dogg. Snoop Dogg, right.

Jesus Christ, you couldn't remember Snoop Dogg? Fuck, I know. Holy fuck. You know what? I thought it was like someone obscure. No, no, no. I told you it wasn't. I said famous.

More famous than you can imagine. Snoop Dogg. Well, that's about as famous than you can imagine. Snoop Dogg. Well, that's about as famous as you can imagine. So he gave me a CD and he said, could you just give this to Snoop Dogg? And I was like, no. As I put it in my pocket. And I didn't, of course. But my wife at the time, she was a 4.7 million wife, said, it's really good.

She listened to it. I never did. And I'm like, and the next time I see him, he's on the cover of Polestar magazine. Whoa. And I'm like, really? And so he would tour with these big country acts because he could teach them how to play golf. And the crowds loved his fucking country rap and then a lot of these guys started implementing that in their

songs and it was all because of him uh and uh and then he wrote some huge hits for other artists that had a rap country background to him well he he created it and ended up making a lot of money and uh but he was the the pro but why was i telling you the story to begin with um i don't remember rapper rapper um golf no no we had passed there's no way you could figure it out if i can't figure it out because i was the one going there dynamite dickless dave dolan no yeah right uh private investigator private investigator right so but it was the other jason oh it was the private investigator there was two so okay but one of them ended up being a really you know really good size country act that made a lot of money in publishing and that was him and he was my assistant pro he still plays in all the

uh pebble beach at&t stuff with Larry the Cable. That's pretty wild. Someone would be that good. Yeah, no, and he was, apparently. I didn't give it a chance, you know, and even to this day, I've never really. Golf is one of those games where you can be, like, ranked number 20th and be a multi-multi-millionaire.

Oh, yeah, ridiculous. Yeah, just balling out of control. Most people don't even know who you are. Yeah, Eastlake's going on today. So the guy that wins this week, the prize purse is $15 million. Where's that at? Eastlake in Atlanta, Georgia. Oh, okay.

I don't know. You're saying it like I know. Well, I'm saying it like I'm just telling you. Eastlake. Yeah, Eastlake. Well, you know, okay. Well, like i'm just telling you you know yeah east lake well you know okay well i okay i'll give you that you don't know you don't know i don't know anything i'm a professional sports commentator that's one of my side gigs and i don't even know the rules to most sports yeah that you know that's the weird thing is that uh people don't people just think of you

as famous i mean my son was a huge Fear Factor fan the first, and then you came back and did Fear Factor. We were just talking about it. But a lot of people don't know you do the other thing, right? Oh, the guy from MMA. But most people, I would venture to say, don't know you do stand-up more than they know you do other things. I just do so many things.

Of course, you're more famous. The podcast is probably the most famous thing I'm for now of course of course now because it's gotten to this weird place but yeah it's uh i do a lot of shit but i tell people they're like is he is he good am i rogan and as a comic that because i only see you as a comic i don't see you as the voice of ma i don't see you as the voice of M.A. I don't see you as anything but a comedian because that's what I watch you do. I'll watch a fight and love it if you're a comedy. If you're not, it's not that interesting.

And we were talking about that earlier. If Rogan doesn't say it, it's not worth saying. Didn't he get heard in M.A.A.? M.A.A. Mixed martial M.M.A. I don't know. I know what you're saying. I'm telling you, I in maa you know mma mixed martial mma i don't know it's i i know what you're saying i'm telling you i just don't know that much about it like you don't know much about golf i don't know anything about it but all i know about joe the comic i watched go on stage at the at the store and just ripped a gut out of these crowds and it's so much fun to watch

that i don't really think about the rest of it like i said when the first time i did your podcast i had no idea well i i like doing a lot of different things i don't think i'd be the same person if i i think i have a unique mental illness that i need to be constantly stimulated with different challenging things and if i'm not then i make problems for myself you know then addictions and weirdness. I'm the person that needs to – I need to have challenges all the time. I need to have puzzles. I need to have things to solve. I need to have stuff to do.

That's my unique mental illness. So when someone says, like, why do you do so many things? Because I like being happy. I like being sane. If I don't – I just figured it out over time in my life that if I don't have things that challenge me, like if I don't get up early and work out, if I don't do something that's hard to do, I'm not the guy. I can't sit around.

See, none of that shit bothers me. I can wake up with nothing to do every day. That's why I've settled into this retirement. I've got to tell you, I have not hated the last six months of my life when i had nothing to do at all not even thinking this is the first thing i had scheduled to do in a half a year and i and i was a little resentful of it this morning it was raining i'm like i gotta go do something you know i gotta go do something that's the first time i made a commitment so if i tell you i'll do it, of course I'll do it, right? I'll get there early.

You were here early. Yeah, days early. All week. But outside of that, I've enjoyed this time off. But I'm also older, you know. I'm older and, you know, I'm at a retiring age, you know, that I've kind of settled into it, going, this is not that bad. My wife taught me how to go on vacations.

I wasn't good at it. Yeah? I needed to learn how to just accept the fact that I was just not going to do anything and just have fun and be on the beach and just drink and just relax and just swim and do whatever the fuck you do on beaches. But I've gotten good at it now.

Apparently, I'm better at it than. Apparently I'm better at it than you. I'm better at it now. I'm a beginner. I used to think of it as like losing time. I see some pictures of you and McGraw out in Cabo with no shirts on going, what the fuck's going on here? Having fun. Well, you know what I learned?

I learned how to relax. Sometimes you think, I used to think that if I took time off, I was losing progress. This is how psycho I am. Yeah. I'm like I'm losing – I'm going to get out of shape. My martial arts is going to slip. My comedy is going to slip.

I'm not going to be doing podcasts. That's going to slip. I had this sickness that way then I realized that as a healthy person the happier and healthier I am as a person the better I am at all those other things so the more time I'm hanging out and just having fun

if I can do that and just recharge then when I come back I'm better so every time I've come back from a vacation I've been more enthusiastic when I come back, I'm better. So every time I've come back from a vacation, I've been more enthusiastic. When I'm more enthusiastic, I'm always better at everything I do because there's more positive energy, more appreciation, you know?

Right. That's how I look at it. So I haven't hated this time off. I don't like what's going on with the country. I hate what's going on with the country. I wish, I miss the days when people could just disagree. Yeah.

I miss those days. Isn't that the truth? I miss those days. We can all go privately into a voting booth, vote for who we vote for, and the next day we wake up and see who's president. Yeah, exactly. And no fight was necessary. We all did what we were put here to do, which was to go vote, and after that you just accept

it and go on. Change what you can. If you can, that you just accept it and and go on change what you can if you can if you can't just fucking go on with it i haven't hated it either uh but also like you i'm probably a little further along in life that uh that i'm like you know i don't really feel like i did so much of it maybe that was enough maybe it was well but if you're gonna build the fucking ranch and i get two acres and a mule and a motherfucking four acres and a mule because i was on the mules all right two mules four acres you heard it write it down everybody write it down four acres whatever you want whatever you want we'll make it happen i want a plow with a seat on it that's what i want i want to plow with a seat on it. That's what I want. I want to plow with a seat. That's what I want.

The idea is just to do something crazy and have fun. And I've already done that by moving out here. And just packing up. That was a bizarre move, dude. That was a bizarre move. I like bizarre moves. Right? Don't let Joe think he can't still surprise you.

I like doing things you're not supposed to do. I like doing things like this. Like, just fucking pack up the whole thing, and doing it right when we're moving to Spotify, right? So it's this big, crazy deal, and then there's all this controversy behind that. Looks like a tax dodge, you know? There's a little bit of that, for sure. I definitely don't like paying that much in taxes.

I can't tell you how surprised and thrilled I was to hear you were going to move to Austin and be my neighbor, because I'm out of LA. I'm selling the house in Beverly Hills, and I'm

like, oh, good. This is going to work out fine. We're going to have fun out here, man. We can have a lot of fun out here. I really think so. I like your vision of the Austin comedy scene to come. And you know what? There's also a lot of really good stand-up comics in Austin. For sure.

Always have been. And they flourish at these open mic nights. And I know that they're listening to this conversation right now going, I want help them i want to i want to get my five years in to get my acres i just i really do i want to help them i want to help them the way i've tried to help a lot of up-and-coming comics in la and get them on the podcast promote them and the the idea is if we open up a club when we open up a club i should say is to have these local guys come in pump them up let let people know let people know there's a real scene here they're there you know and yeah and and and help them and help them help them flourish

and help comic not just austin comics but everywhere you know bring them into this place and have this be a hub the only reason why la is a hub is because of A, the comedy store, and B, Hollywood. And I came to Hollywood because I had a TV deal. But really what I wanted was to be at the store. That was Mecca to me. It is. I had heard about it when I was in Boston. But when I came to the comedy store in 94, it was a shithole.

I mean, the comics were terrible. Every now and then Martin Lawrence would show up Or Damon Wayans or Dom Herrera Or Dice Clay but for the most part It was a lot of Bodax It was a disaster There was a lot of people that just had old terrible jokes And it was just I was like this is the store

It was very disappointing But the place itself drew people It drew people there You knew that that was the place where the real comics went, and they made a career out of it. But this world is different now. For a comic, if you get a television show, it's actually like, oh, you poor bastard.

You could have had a podcast. You could have been okay. You could have been your own boss. And now a lot of comics are realizing they don't even want ads anymore. They just want to do Patreon They want to just have podcasts And put them out either for free And get YouTube ads

There's a lot of people trying to figure out What's the best way to be free But for sure the best way to be free Is not to be connected to the Hollywood machine Because the Hollywood machine is all woke now And it's completely ridiculous And everyone's full of shit We're not actors, man.

We're different things. It's cats and dogs living together. We're fucking different things. We can act. We can do it. We both have. But the reality is you're a comic. I'm a stand-up comedian.

Yes, and I am as well. Or I was. And there's a lot of us. There's a lot of us. And we don't need that machine. What we need is a machine that we create ourselves. And we did that a lot one of the reasons why the store worked so well over the last few years because it was fueled by podcasts yep fueled by podcasts fueled by everybody like i would tell people hey you gotta see this kid frank castillo he's hilarious tony hinchcliffe this guy's coming

up joey diaz the funniest guy ever ron white's the baddest motherfucker that ever lived all these people and we would all talk about these people and tell these crazy stories and then everybody would remember and then they would come we were they were they had international tourism to the comedy store people were flying in from ireland and australia they should have been then they should have been right because that's how good those shows were they would come in on a tuesday and see one of the craziest lineups you've ever seen in your fucking life. When I was in one, and you've got a million of these stories, and it was you and

Louis C.K. and Bill Burr and... Madness. Yeah. And me and... It was just crazy. Joey Diaz. Joey Diaz. Madness. Just fucking crazy. Madness. in one show for 14 fucking dollars

do you know how much it would cost to put on that show out at the ranch nothing zero yeah we're doing it for charity at the ranch charity i i that's the the idea is to do something at the ranch we build a theater we do the concerts for charity and then have a club in town yeah oh a satellite club a lot of these places on sixth street are going to go under unfortunately unfortunately there's a lot of places that are going to go under because no one can work you know and i would love it if they all stayed open but some of them are not going to be able to and so we'll scoop one of those uh yeah there's going to be uh opportunities for you to put something in this town that'll matter.

Yeah. And let me make a promise to you, my brother, I'll be there to support it, you know. Woo!

Even if I don't tour anymore, I'll come do the club. Isn't this exciting talking about this? It really, you know, fuck it is. Fuck it is.

It's exciting, right? Yes, that's why I'm here. I like exciting things. All the things I'm interested in are exciting.

I like bow hunting, I like stand-up comedy, I like fighting, all these i like exciting things all the things i'm interested in are exciting i like bow hunting i like stand-up comedy i like fighting all these things are exciting things right i like exciting things and i think i can do something here that's exciting i like smoking pot and watching cartoons and doing stand-up i like smoking pot freaking out that's what i like i like getting nervous i do my one of my favorite things about smoking pot is being paranoid yeah people the people get terrified of and they run away from it's one of my favorite parts of being high i was i was nervous about coming and doing this uh show really yeah why i've told my son i said i don't know i haven't felt nervous i can walk on stage at the radio city music hall don't you know it doesn't flutter my button it's what i do and I'm ready to do it, prepared to do it.

And I haven't even thought about interacting with anybody for half a fucking year, you know. And so, you know, it's your new place, and you're in town. But he goes, Daddy's your friend. He'll pull you right on through to the other side, which, of course, you know. We did. We already threw the other side. It's already 315. We're beautiful.

It's beautiful. Perfect. It's wonderful. We're COVID tested other side. It's already 315. We're beautiful. It's beautiful. Perfect. It's wonderful. We're COVID tested. You're clean as fuck. Yeah, you know what? The funny thing is that I took the antibody test and then the nose swab. And so the antibody test said you've never had it, but you might have it.

So I had to do the nose swab. So I went over two days. But the nose swab, the thing about the antibody test is there's is two indicators one of them is whether or not your body is currently fighting the virus right so there's one is whether or not you beat the virus and one whether you're currently fighting the virus so you know you're not currently fighting the virus i feel good so according to the doctor is a very low possibility that you have it and then we we eliminate that with the swab right but not before you and i hug i I don't give a fuck. Right. I take vitamin D.

I'll give you a hug. Even if you're coughing, I'll give you a hug. Right. I've been coughing a little bit. I'll just quarantine myself for a couple weeks and eat vitamin D gummies. Right. All right. Tell me which vitamin D you want me to take.

I just want you to take 5,000 IUs a day minimum. That's what you should be taking. It's not that much. And when you eat the – I have these vitamin D gummies that I chew all the time. There's like – I think you take three of them. It's 5,000 IUs. It's not a big deal. They're small gummies.

They taste good. It's easy to do. Is there any carbs in them because I'm watching my car? There's probably like one gram of carbs. No, they're probably gelatin. Now that I'm thinking about it. That's horse hoof, right? Yeah.

It's basically fingernails right and hair yeah it's good for you protein collagen yeah not bad for you so i mean a good relationship i really like i know you tell me yeah we'll go out to that's exciting week yeah it is that's exciting because you're always in these train wrecks. Right. She's really, really, really pretty. She's my age. I think that's important. Yeah, I've never chased young women, right? It's too much work.

You know that? It's too much work. But she came down. We started hanging out in the COVID thing. But we'd seen each other before. And one night we go out to Eddie V's and we have this really nice table. Eddie V's is great.

Oh, I love it. That's a great old school place. Right. So we have this really cool table in the bar. It seats two people. It's really cool. I'll show you the seat. You'll take your wife there on a big night.

And she's got a long black dress. I'm wearing a jacket. And we go back to my condo, which is a really nice penthouse with these gorgeous views. And her son was a grappler. And her grandson is a grappler. And she was a gymnast. And she said, for whatever reason, I think I can take you down. Oh, no.

And, of course, I laughed so hard that she probably could have taken me down because she's 5'1", and she's a gymnast, right? She's a little bitty. She's 5'1". She's a gymnast, right? She's a little bitty. And I said, no, I would never ever hurt you for any reason. So if you want to come beat me up, come beat me up. But if I didn't care about hurting you,

I could throw you into that table because you're little and I'm big, right? Right. Then she attacked me. And she did. She came at at me shoved me back and i mean she a gymnast that does uneven parallel bars strong like a chimp like a fucking chimp she was on me in my center leg spread fucking pushing me back. And I was like, from now on, I'm only going to fuck women I could kill. That's all I'm going to do. I'm going to say, let's determine whether or not I could. I'm never going to do it right.

I would never hurt a woman. But I would like to have the option, if they went nuts and just jumped my ass, to be able to fucking beat it off and you know live you know and provide and all those things that a man needs to do i got a buddy of mine who got obsessed with jiu-jitsu when he dated a girl who was a black belt and they sparred and she tapped him easily and he was like what the fuck so he became obsessed with it because his girlfriend fucked him up. Right. Defending himself, right?

Well, jiu-jitsu is one of the rare martial arts where a woman really can kill you. Like 100% legit. You know what? It's the same reason I don't have a pet lion. I just don't need it in my house. I understand. Right? I don't need it in my house.

Yeah, I get it. Don't take it the wrong way, ladies. I'm just saying. Yeah. All those killer ladies out there are like, fuck! Right. What? What's wrong with me? I thought I had them. I'll tell you. No. No. Planted on a corner in them. Right. I mean, I know that you can still Sharon Bobbitt my ass, right?

You can still wait till I fall asleep. Lorena. Right. Lorena Bobbitt. Lorena Bobbitt. Yeah. John Bobbitt and Lorena Bobbitt. She cut off his dick. Yeah, cut his dick off while he was sleeping. And then he stitched it back on and did porn. Right. How good was that sewing job?

Not good. Like about how good I would sew it up. Oh, really? It didn't look good? I didn't see it. You know what? You guys go down the rabbit hole. You look at the video.

I don't do any of that stuff. I watch porn on my fucking iPad. That's all I do. I don't go any deeper than that. This was pre-Viagra porn, too. It didn't look that good to begin with. No, and it never really got hard. It was just a mess.

She sliced it off and threw it on the side of the road, and they had to wait a while before they found it. And then they had to dust the dirt off of it darkness and uh darkness right yeah i just don't need that in my life i don't need it in my life either but i've had it in my life i've seen a lot of things i shouldn't have seen but i if someone sends me a link i'm like all right you're going in let's see let's see what's up somebody was over the house uh no it wasn't i was at the radio station in new york and the guy's showing me a you got a video of a guy fucking a snake and i'm like okay

all right can i get a check please fucking a snake that's gonna be the name of my next mouth no no the check the snake pussy he's got a big anaconda. Wow. Okay, I'm sorry I even said it. I'm sorry I said it. He's fucking a snake. He's not the first. Can you pull that up?

I can. I'm sure I could. He's not the first. Let's not show it, but let me just show you. I guarantee there's many people before him that have done the same thing. People just go down the Q hole, rat hole. Yeah, they definitely do. Yeah, and if you can name it, there's a guy who's fucked it.

Oh, yeah. Blenders. Guys that fuck blenders. Yeah, I know, right. Tables, chairs. Right, that's why I hate those. Bowling balls. Anyway, that doesn't matter.

I'm not going to go there. I get it. But that's the problem with the internet is you find out, I mean, everybody knows someone who's a fucking moron, but you don't realize how many of them there are until you really go online and start searching. You know, I was sitting in, I was having this place worked on, or for a while I was staying down at the Van Zandt,

had some people come up, comics that I've known for years, and one of them starts telling me a story about Hillary Clinton and her pedophile ring. And I'm like, what? And this was probably three years ago. And how the pedophiles, the far left, right, left wing, it's a pedophile thing. And I'm like, what are you talking about? And it was early QAnon stuff.

It was those same conspiracy theories that are coming out now i was hearing those three years ago and i thought it was just one person's i mean where'd you go to learn this behavior you know we all behaviors learned right for sure we're all a product of our environment like what environment did you put yourself in that made you think that this is true? When, you know, the other day, there were four of us playing golf, and all four phones hit an amber alert at the same second. Yeah. And everybody knew exactly what it is.

We picked it up, and I'm like, there's a missing kid somewhere. And that's a beautiful fucking thing right and uh but but now there's these pedophile rings and tom hanks is what the fuck i don't think the tom hanks thing is true i think there's a lot of people that are just really dumb and they get involved in conspiracy theories and they believe everything and there's a lot of people out there that are sowing misinformation there's a bunch of russian trolls and bot accounts and a lot of chaos and sowing seeds of doubt in our democracy and life in general and trying to tell you that all the elites are fucking lizard people that are running things behind closed doors with satan but for sure there's guys out there that have fucked a lot of young girls that's for sure

yeah and that's what that epstein shit's all about and that's what's so spooky about it was that it's prominent politicians and scientists and celebrities and they all flew out to fuck island and it's real right and then when the guy's in custody with fucking security cameras and the whole deal he he hangs himself in a way that's physically impossible yeah yeah and everybody's like well no more need for further investigation it's unnecessary if it was anybody else involved in any other thing and they died in that way we would look deeply into it but they basically just just tried to let it go passing the news cycle yeah the point when no one's thinking about it anymore

well you know the the interview that uh prince uh andrew right uh yeah it was there do you see that interview when they're interviewing him and the reason he thought he could pull that off is because for years he's been royalty right so everybody around him were just yes men so he's got footman and whatever and they're all going oh exactly right so oh, I can't believe someone would make these kinds of accusations against you. That seems like perfectly normal behavior to me. How are you? But it turns out the news people weren't those people at all. Right.

And how do you not see that coming, you idiot motherfucker? Because he's an idiot motherfucker. Right. The only reason why he's in that position at all is because one of his uncles fucked one of his aunts. Yeah, right. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah blah blah and then there you are you mean it's a bloodline thing it's not like an earned position because you've really worked really hard to get there you don't become a prince because you've kicked ass you're right you kicked prince ass and uh for years maybe you didn't get a phd in princedom no you just became a prince. For your whole life, man.

No, it's hot. Absolutely hot. How about that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle? Isn't that crazy? It's crazy that it's on the news feed every fucking day. It's important. Everything they do. It's important.

It's important to everyone. They left the castle. We had to go. Why did they do it? Are they crazy? You know what? I can tell you why they did it. They left the kingdom.

Because there's no way you could bring an outsider into that world and have them do anything. Oh, they signed a megawatt Netflix deal. I bet they did. What are you doing? Huh? What are you doing? Haven't you learned Netflix? You've made some big boo-boos.

Stop it. Netflix, if you think about making decisions like this, call me up first. Me? No. I'm talking to Netflix. Oh. I'll get them high, and I'll pull them aside and this, call me up first. Me? No. I'm talking to Netflix. Oh. I'll get them high, and I'll pull them aside and go, listen, this is not going to work. You're going to spend a lot of money.

Right. No one gives a fuck. It's not going to work. Buy another Ron White special. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah. What these people are is like, they're good for snippets in the news. They're good for, you look in the Google News feed, like, what are they doing?

Oh, they're extradited from the kingdom. No one cares about them anymore. think you're 100 wrong i think that they people will watch this crap no matter how bad it is if it's connected to this guy and this woman people will watch it and they will continue to fucking go oh my look at the kardashians you know you they're not a talent one in any of those people wait a minute did you watch her sex tape huh you're talking all this shit did you watch her sex tape no well you should have then you wouldn't be saying she doesn't have any talent really was it good it's very good how was it yeah enthusiastic

i watched that paris hilton lame little I think I think that family all bullshit aside no jokes is the mother is very skillful in the way she's managed them that's what it is something's genius about it because nothing works better than this you know I was doing a show at the

Mirage and they had that little Kardashian t-shirt shop right there. Do you remember that? One of the ones you haven't even heard of was going to be there, and there was a line 300 yards long

to get into this what's now a soap shop. And I walked by that. That's where I work. I'm there 10 weekends a year, more than anybody, and that's my place. And I stay in a villa right back there. And one day I walk by that. That's where I work. I'm there 10 weekends a year, more than anybody. And that's my place. And I stay in a villa right back there. And one day I walk in there.

I'm just looking around the Kardashian. I want to see what they got. They got towels with Kim's likeness and stuff on it. And they said, sir, you can't come in here with a beverage. I'm like, what do you think? I'm going to spill a Coke on your towel? Okay. I think you could probably.

But anyway, they made me leave. They fucking made me leave and uh they fucking made me leave and quite frankly well it's they've figured out a way to keep people interested and keep people talking about them and yeah it's i just got through doing it that's how good they are i just got through doing it yeah we're helping them and then the mother but but here's the thing about kim she's done some legitimate amazing work in getting people out of jail that were wrongly accused that's why i don't make fun of her anymore except that thing i said about her sex tape but other than that i thought you were saying something really nice about her sex tape you

weren't dishing it thank you were saying i felt like that she can go at it thank you very much but she's really done a lot of like legitimate good to help people get released from prison that were wrongly accused. Well, you know what? The problem that I have is sometimes I talk about things and I don't know jack shit about them. I just make up a funny thing to say in my head. And then later I end up going, wow, fuck, really? I didn't know she did that. Me too.

But I did. I saw the woman that she helped get out of prison, and I thought that was a good deal. Yeah. We've had a couple guys from the Innocence Project on here. I love the Innocence Project. I love that series. No, it's amazing. What a douchebag, that guy that was doing the tooth mite fucking.

What is that guy? It was on that. He was convicting people from tooth. Oh, tooth bites. Yeah. Doesn't work. But there wasn't a bottom imprint and there he was sending him to prison and let the other guy that was killing kids go free yeah did you see that it's uh it was a good well josh dubin who's one of the guys who's been on this podcast before he has a podcast called junk science um it's uh about the Innocence Project about wrongly convicted people

because of junk science about like bite marks there it is wrongful conviction junk science bite mark evidence this is Josh Dubin who's been on the podcast before

that guy made me cry like a baby telling me some stories about people getting out of jail that were wrongly convicted I wasn't trying to make you cry but I could have. But I just chose not to. I'm taking it a different direction.

Why are you threatening me? I'm not threatening you, Joe. I'm just saying that if I wanted to make you cry right here in public, like you were crying that night at the improv and I was wiping your tears on my do-rag. Tell me about Austin. Where am I going to go? I'm going to come with me.

I don't know if I can live in Texas But I have to move everything It's too hard I'll be there I was so fucking thrilled You heard the news Coming out of my fucking voice The day I found out that Joe was coming to town

And then I I knew Jay was coming But I don't know if he's really coming. I talked him into it. Nobody's selling their property over there. They're just getting a place over here. He'll sell his property there eventually. I'm like, come on, man.

What about you? Are you going to sell the place? I'll sell my place. Yeah, I think I'm staying here. I like it a lot. I felt real comfortable real quick. Real quick. I've only been here a little over a week

right i fucking love it right you're brand new you're new and look i already got a studio i'm all set up you got a badass studio i got jet skis i think you could have built it in an airstream you know and save the money that could have right right but it's moved it around you know i feel like um this is a better spot for me and again it's like practicing what i preach i don't think we need to be connected to that machine out there that hollywood machine that's well we know you don't nobody does right because it's a bandwidth right it's uh same thing you could do it from anywhere it's that you could do it from anywhere but it's also what really serves the comics what really serves the comics is the podcast industry the podcast industry goes

where the podcasters go right so let's bring them all here yeah you always have the ability to move my number you know by saying something on the internet which you were always willing to do and and uh you can see it and you have people coming up yeah i heard it on the road yeah i'm like good yeah good sometimes you're just lucky right i'm lucky you're my friend a lot of guys that were friends of Letterman got to do Letterman all the time because they were his friend whether they were that good or not they got to do it over and over and over I've watched a few of your podcasts

everybody was more interesting than me I used to be a comic you keep saying that I used to be a comic too that's horse shit you're a comic you're Ron fucking White man Don't ever say that You need to stop saying that

Once I get you up at the club Come on man You're gonna crush You're gonna tell that story About those That's what I'm waiting for I'm waiting for the I'm waiting for the club

Once the club As soon as the club Build it they will come As soon as we get this mayor Out of office Just kidding As soon as we figure out A way to open up these clubs

Why don't we have a meeting Under the bridge Yeah't we have a meeting under the bridge? Yeah, no, we've got a bunker. We don't need to go under the bridge. We just need to get clubs open. As soon as they come up with rapid testing and some more tenable therapeutics. You're right.

Yeah. You're right. We'll be all right. People want to go out, man. They miss it. They miss it bad. I miss it. I miss sitting in a club watching other comics almost as much as I miss doing stand-up.

I miss it. Everybody, and people that are just fans, that just have regular jobs that used to love date night, go out to a comedy club, have a great fucking time, have a few drinks, laugh their ass off. They miss it. But we're going to add badass barbecue to that scene, right? Fuck, yeah. Pass that letter to me.

Yeah, you got it. Yeah scene yeah we just gotta make weed legal here god damn it people i know it's kind of legal all we have to do is continue to work in that direction because it's the process of evolution right i thought i thought that texas would probably sell uh medical marijuana before oklahoma because they're so much more conservative it seems. But now it's flourishing like crazy. And the money they get out of it. Texas doesn't need the money because of oil

but and just other things but eventually it's going to make sense to Texas. It'll be laughed upon in 15 years or 10 years or 5 years as a prohibition that was so fucking stupid. Like it is in California.

Like it is in California. You can't even imagine. I remember the day that I lived in. I moved to Montecito. I'm down at this head shop. I'm going to buy a piece. I just bought this house with a big view of the world. And there was a guy there with a skateboard.

He was waiting. It was going to open in 15 minutes. And he goes, you got your license? You're going to pick up some herb? And I'm like, what? And then I spent 20 minutes going, what? What? As he explained to me that marijuana was legal in California.

I didn't even know it. And he goes, yeah, what you do is you go down. He goes, where's your license? It's Atlanta. He goes, yeah, that's okay. Just go down there. Apply for a license. They atlanta he goes yes okay just go down there apply for a license they'll give you a paper license take that to this doctor and in one hour you'll be back here open that door there's 15 kind of what what are you fucking what are you kidding me

and i walked in there and he wasn't kidding it was fucking 15 kinds of gorgeous bud ice cream that made you want potato chips, right? I'm getting fatter for sure. And all the hash, hash, well, all this stuff. And I buy all of it. I spent two grand. And I do. I spent $2,000. And I go back up to the house.

I'm there by myself. And I got my new bong. I'm pouring this and this taking this hit that hit off this eat some of this fucking ice cream which they didn't put a real dosage on you know but i'm just fucking i'm so fucking and then i start feeling weird right and i go wash my face and i lay in my bed and i start going monocito's a trap. It's a trap. The drug's here. It's going to ruin my life. I should take all that weed and all this stuff, flush it down the toilet.

I'm going, this is horrible. And then like an hour later, I'm in there going, what else we got in here? Don't do it all because that doesn't work. Just got to get past the rough spots. Right. But I always like to get too fucked up and come down a little bit. Me too. Kind of wander into a buzz that way. Well, when you come down a little bit, you feel real thankful you're not as fucked up and come down a little bit. Me too. Kind of wander into a buzz that way.

Well, when you come down a little bit, you feel real thankful you're not as fucked up as you were an hour ago. Right. And I hope an hour from now, I have those feelings. Yes. Those good feelings. Good feelings of survival. I think you have to feel like you're going to die to really appreciate being alive. Right.

appreciate being alive right you know i've i've i've had some uh really low spots in my life and uh in the touring career when uh literally i had joint custody of my son when he was two and a half years old and they were like okay here you go and i'm like oh nobody's going with me or nothing and uh i just have a baby and uh that's it and i'm like okay i have a van and i plop marshall down in the uh in the in the car seat next to me in the van and go uh okay here we go and uh and we took off across the fucking country and going to comedy clubs literally i would walk up to waitresses before I went on stage and went, could you just hold him for about 45 minutes? Really?

And he'd be out there being held by a waitress while I'm up on stage doing stand-up comedy. That's crazy. And I'll tell you the funniest thing. He's a brilliant young man, but here's's how smart he is we're at the south county funny bone and uh and uh he goes uh dad because every once in a while i'd bring him on stage right and here's my baby get that vote right it's an easy vote to get and uh and he goes dad i i want to come to the club tonight but i don't i don't to go on stage. I just want to hang out in the green room. And I said, this club doesn't have a green room.

And he goes, oh, it's a funny bone. Right? And how amazing it is to put that together, that funny bones are shitholes and they don't have fucking green rooms, right? At least the one in Columbus doesn't. Right. None of them do. There's not a green room in the fucking bunch. Yeah. And he realized that at two and a half years old two and a half years old

it's a funny bone he's two and a half oh my god that's funny but that's how he you know that's how he's raised and i took him down to mexico when i started making pottery and his mom who lives you lived in mexico for a while right but this is before blue collar comedy right right before right before what what brought you to mexico i'm impetuous dude um i would the the funny bone cut my pay by a third because they realized they could and uh and uh and really they took away a lot of the airfare so it was really almost half and and i told him to go eat a steaming bowl of fuck and and uh my girlfriend at the time was a artist sort of person and she was doing this mosaic tile application to pottery and then she would take it to these uh fairs or whatever and sell it and she'd sell it all in two hours but the fairs three

days it took her six months to make it and so i thought why wouldn't you just go to mexico and these fairs or whatever and sell it. And she'd sell it all in two hours, but the fair's three days. It took her six months to make it. And so I thought, why wouldn't you just go to Mexico and hire a bunch of women to sit around, and she orchestrates it, and they sit around and make this pottery, and then you have a bunch to sell. And that was the whole concept. So I went down there, and I was living on Lake LBJ, right up from you.

And I sold that house. And I had the biggest truck Ryder makes pulling the biggest trailer Ryder makes. And I had my van that Marshall and I toured in and the biggest trailer that they make behind that. That was everything I owned. And we went straight down to McAllen, Texas, and moved into a trailer. And then we moved. Texas and moved into a trailer. And then we moved, then I found a place in Mexico, in Reynosa, Mexico, where Abraham Anser is, who's a great golfer who I love to follow. And we moved into Mexico, met a woman named Irma Munoz. And Irma knew everybody. She was like the matriarch of the

entire subdivision there. And there was a tortilla factory that had been abandoned, and I rented it for $100 a month. And it was a wreck, and it had eight inches of cat shit in it. They went in there and cleaned it all up, and we started fucking making pottery. Pottery? Pottery. And I remember that two of the – it may have been the two sons,

if not one of the employees, were little kids. And Marshall was five or six, and they were four and three or whatever. And they were fighting. And Marshall went out on the front porch and went, Alto! Because that was a word he knew. But they didn't stop. But he still knew how to command them to stop and uh so we had a glorious life i spent my evenings fucking sawing tables and building shit and they were making pottery and i was sweating how old were you back then 42 or three maybe

you know isn't that crazy so you'd toured and you kind of like settled into this idea that i'm just going to be here in mexico making pottery yeah yeah but you know but but foxworthy and i were had been friends for already i met foxworthy the first day i did stand-up so so he goes why don't you come with me on the weekends and and open for me in the big shows right so he'd gotten big enough to take somebody with him and he picked me to take with him. And so I would go out and make more money than I'd ever really made before my life opened up for Foxworthy on the weekends, and then I'd fly back from, we'd be on a private jet, and then we'd fly back to Atlanta,

and then I'd get on a plane to Houston, then McAllen, Texas, and then I get on a plane to Houston and McAllen Texas and then drive across and to Mexico. Have I ever told you the tomato story? No. So my mother grows these amazing tomatoes that were so good the property she lived on which was in Buda which is just south of here was a peach tree orchard at one time and a cattle farm at one time. But the soil produced a tomato that you could just eat over the sink like an apple. They were so good and clearly the best I'd ever eaten. And Foxworthy was so in love with these tomatoes that he would call,

because his mother would send him a box of tomatoes every year. He'd say, when are the tomatoes coming? I'd say, tomatoes come use the ripening on the vine okay you'll get your tomatoes when you get your tomatoes and uh i'd been out on a run i picked up a comedy club that wasn't a funny bone and then a couple of foxworthy days so i was gone for two weeks and mother sent me the box of tomatoes and uh all the money that i'd made i already owed to the people that worked for me right and uh i didn't owe it to him but it was coming up right it was gone i didn't have any money and uh so i stopped in mccall at the post office and they bring out a big old soggy fucking box and i know what it is i know my mother sent me the tomatoes, and they went rotten in the fucking post office

while I was out doing stand-up, right? So I said, that's tomatoes, you know, throw it away. And so I get in line. I'm exhausted. I've been traveling all day long, literally, all night and all day. We had done a show in Seattle, flew back on a private plane to Atlanta,

to Houston, and, you know, just beat up. And I get over to my house, and the phone rings, and it's my mom. And she goes, did you get the tomatoes? And I said, mother, I've been gone for two weeks, and the tomatoes were rotten. She goes, at least you got the $100. I'm like, oh. I get back in my car, drive back to America,

drive to the fucking post office, go back to the dumpster, fucking open the lid, crawl in it, and start rubbing through the fucking rubbish until I found that box, ripped it open, and got that $100, put it in my pocket, and went back fucking home. That's how much I needed $100. Wow. Dig through a dumpster to get it. And I forget where we were at right before that.

dig through a dumpster to get it and uh i forget where we were at right before that um but you were in mexico and that's you were doing pottery yeah opening for jeff fox yeah and then well basically then you know the uh blue collar comedy tour came up you know because the kings of comedy were doing such huge numbers, and Foxworthy was like, why don't we do another version of that for a different marketplace? And he told me the concept of the four of us going out, but I didn't really know what the Kings of Comedy were doing. I wasn't playing golf with them back then. You were making pottery in Mexico.

Right, I was making pottery in Mexico. I was making pottery in Mexico. It was beautiful stuff. This is pre-internet. Turned out it was heavy and fragile, which is a horrible combination. I really hadn't thought of that. I didn't really think the whole thing through. I was just like, what about this? It is crazy, though, that it all popped for you at 42.

Well, probably 44, 45, and before that came out, right? We did it, but that was all Jeff's money, right? He paid me great to do it, but it was his thing, right? It would have been nothing without him ever. We couldn't have sold ticket one without Foxworthy in that. Even if it was just Dingball, it didn't work at all. We tried. But we just cut the guy making all the money out of it.

And give the money. Okay, nobody shows up. So, yeah. I think Foxworth is one of the most underrated comics ever. I really do. That, you might be a redneck series. It was so genius. Brilliant.

If your family tree does not fork right and it was all so long i mean those jokes were so long ago but it was such a great hook it's something that you can just do it over and over and over and over but there was so much to him besides that right and to this day you know he's just somebody that when i talked to him uh we were both doing little clubs in atlanta warming up for something else and so we had dinner together and uh you know i don't know eight months ago or whatever it was and and uh it was just glorious to sit down and talk to somebody that was so generous that the first day i ever did stand up he told me i needed to put the punch line at the end of the joke and then i said how you do that or whatever stupid fucking voice i was using that day and and he sits down with me a brand new comic with a piece of paper and a fucking pen he goes all right how's the first joke go he writes it out himself in longhand

and he underlines this part and this part and this part. And he goes, you're what you're doing is instead of saying this here, you need to say it here. Right. Because if you say it here, you're stepping on the left by doing the end of it. Now, I can't imagine now how you would do that wrong or not how to do it, not know how to do it. But I didn't know how to do it then. And was so generous he just sat down and showed me i've been doing stand up for four minutes and he and i had a guy that good going okay look at this just think amazing just think about this if you do it here instead of here what happens stare at them they'll laugh and uh then you can move on to the next job wow so that's how uh that's how much he's in i've never heard anything but good things

about that man no there's nothing there's nothing but good you know a great human being uh dear dear friend count on him for anything he's a big time bow hunter too you know he's a big time hunter he he uh he he and everybody respects him as a hunter you, he doesn't take out a lot of deer during the year. You know, he looks for trophies. And if he doesn't see them, he doesn't shoot at them. Old, mature deer that have passed their breeding cycle. Yeah, that's what he looks for. That's how you're supposed to do it.

And, you know, and I've never been into that. He's always tried to get me to go. And I would probably go with him. I mean, I have no reason not to, you know, except I'd have to learn how to shoot a bow. You should come out here and we should shoot some pigs. They have to get rid of them, these wild, crazy pigs. So the pigs, yeah, the pig store.

Don't think about Whitney's pig. Put that in the back of your head. So Jay and I were going to do, who was the hanging Joe? There's Jeff. Yeah, there he is. What's he doing in this video, Jamie? I just found a hunting video. He's just outdoorsman hunting something or other.

That's a nice deer. It's on Facebook. Yeah, he's out there whacking deer. So anyway, Jay and I, we're talking about doing, who was the judge west of the Pecos here? Roy Bean. Roy Bean. And so we were talking to this director.

I feel stupid, but I know his name. He's a famous director. Lives right here in Bastrop, who did, shit, my brain's just not working today I can't catch up with all of it and but he owned the he actually had also some pigs that he put into this and he wanted to reality show about the the pig ranch and Bastrop and so Jay because he can produce anything right he's got a great production company and uh so he sells it because this guy's the director fuck who's his name oh i can't believe it sorry give me a movie the first movie that uh mcconaughey was ever guessing on this last bit richard link yeah bam jamie right out of the fucking gate

he's a mentalist um so we we pitch him the the judge roy bean story but jay's there to wrap up the deal on the pig ranch the pig rescue right so we they want to go over there well now i'm part of the fucking team right i'm like fuck yeah because i want this guy to direct this right because if he does it it's a hit and it's sold for sure he's an amazing director uh and we go over there and and it's huge and it's nice too oh the pigs are 800 pounds some of them can't hardly move have arthritis take some 30 minutes to lay down the last pig and uh this is a thing no something different no that's not the last pig good luck with that there's a lot of pigs but anyway we make our way around the whole thing.

And they have footage because they have all these cameras out of pigs that are in the wild walking up to the fence going, How did he get in here? They're fucking eating sandwiches and shit, laying around in the mud. And then there's pigs outside the gates going, What the fuck is this i want in now you can't get in i wonder if you let wild pigs in if they'll revert to being like domestic pigs because if you take domestic pigs and they go wild like you were talking about your friends pigs they grow tusks yeah and they get big yeah i don't know but anyway we make our way into the house

which the the guy that runs it runs a big construction company. He's got a lot of money. But his wife looks like the chick from Pulp Fiction that goes nuts, that has all the piercings and stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And when I walked into that environment, I saw her, and I'm like, she's set to pop. She's a...

Don't do it. So, yeah, she's about to pop her fucking weasel, right? I think. That's my feeling about the whole situation. I get it. And we get in the house and they're going to sit down talk about this deal we sit down for about three seconds he goes i'm out of here she walks out the door slams the fucking door and i was like i saw that fucking coming i didn't tell anybody right but i did see it fucking coming i'm like this girl's about to pop i've seen it

i've seen it you know crazy right you've been around crazy. And he goes, she's not coming back. And I'm like, yeah, she was coming back. She looked like she was. Anyway, I said, well, I'm going to. They said something about they need to talk about the deal, and I've got a joint in my pocket. I've been down to smoke for fucking hours. And I'm like, oh, yeah, I'll just be right outside here and smoke.

But before they did that, there were four pigs that lived in the house, and one of them was Whitney Cummings' pig. And they brought Whitney Cummings' pig out to me, and I held it, and it squealed like I was fucking it. But I totally wasn't. I totally wasn't. I totally wasn't. But I definitely did not watch that man wasn't. I totally wasn't.

I definitely did not watch that man fuck my wife. I already don't believe you. I already don't believe you. That's a powerful statement. So anyway, there's that story. Ron White, let's wrap it up. We did it. Wrap it up. We did it. Wrap it up. We did it, man.

My brother, another beautiful podcast. Thank you. Thanks for making me come here. You're part of the reason. Hey, you know, I needed to stop you from crying. I'm like, I'll make some promises. I'll pitch in, you know, do my thing. I knew there was a spot where we could be together.

Yeah, right, right, yeah. I was trying to steal you back from McGraw, you know. I'm like, my two friends kind of went off together, and I'm like, oh, I see a way. Now it turns out he's moving down here. You can vacation with us, too. We'll all vacation when it's legal again. I got nothing to do, man.

I got nothing to do. You got something to do once the ranch opens up. Yeah, absolutely. Figure out what to do with your four acres. And two mules, yeah. I love you, Ron White yeah i love you ron white i love you joe rogan all right bye everybody good night