The Joe Rogan Experience - #158 - Doug Benson

Episode Date: November 16, 2011

Joe sits down with Doug Benson.

Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. Let's be honest, ladies and gentlemen. The reason why that commercial went so long is we're way too high to be talking publicly. Okay, that was ridiculous. I see what you're saying, folks. I see what you're saying. I hear you. I'm on your side now.

Are you? I don't know. I don't know, man. I'm just talking shit. Fire up the vaporizer. Let's do some more commercials. Yeah, we're not sure if this thing works yet. We're going to give it another few minutes because it still has red.

It's supposed to turn green. I'm excited about it, though. Apparently, it takes like 10 minutes. Yeah, it's like a vaporizer slash bong type device. I could barely do a show these days where somebody doesn't show up with some new newfangled thing they want me to try. These wacky kids these days. Yeah, you've got to love them. I'm saying unable to connect to the internet, Brian.

What does that mean? Oh, I just got deported. You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. So people are complaining about these long-form commercials that we're doing. And I don't mean to do that to you folks, but that's just no other way to do it. I don't know how to... I'm not going to say the same thing every day exactly.

That's too fucking boring. Well, you could tell the guests to shut the fuck up. Why? I'm just saying, if you want it to go quicker. But I thought that was fine. That felt to me like that's part of the show. And people like long podcasts. So you're just giving them more.

Just tell them, I'm giving you more, fucker. Shut up. Yes, but it's because of money. That's why. That's why it freaks them out that you're making money. Like, you motherfucker. Yeah, but you're like totally. You motherfucker.

Everyone's saying whatever they want about the product. It's not like they're just sitting. It's not like we're a ShamWow guy or something. Who tries to say funny things and they're just ridiculous martini bikini linguine like what the fuck are you talking about does the sham why does he have a podcast i don't know i would like to have he was in jail for beating this girl or something everyone has podcasts now it's kind of scary didn't some chick is like a hooker bite his tongue or something yeah that's it that's it oh god man the hooker bites your tongue dude you've hit a wall in life you have hit a fucking wall in life when a hooker bites your tongue shit

fuck yeah that's pretty brutal what a disaster you know because human bites are like dangerous they're dangerous they're like really toxic we have nasty mouths we're like as dangerous if not more dangerous than most wild animals yeah i have a yeast infection in my mouth why do you why do you keep having when is it gonna stop do you go down your girl when she has why don't you drink cranberry juice i'm just kidding have you ever gone down on a girl who has a yeast infection? I don't know. I've never... I don't know.

Probably. I have no idea of what a yeast infection really is. There's a lot of girls right now that are getting angry at this conversation. Tastes like bread. I'll tell you that. I'll tell you that. When you do that. This is a subject...

It's like delicious bread. Yeah. Or beer. It's like fish bread. This is a subject that makes women angry. Yeah. It makes them really angry. I fuck girls on you.

It's just that men are talking about it. I've ever fucked a girl with a urinary tract infection where it's like... Oh, that's where cranberry juice comes in. Blood's just juicing everywhere. Oh, Jesus. It's like black blood and it smells like vinegar or something. I don't see why women wouldn't enjoy this conversation. Yeah.

It's got to be a tough thing to take care of, you know? Oh, it's so much maintenance. It's the difference between washing a car and being a mechanic that's what it's like it's like men just have to keep their fucking car washed yeah you know keep your car washed wax the hood boom you're done yeah women have a fucking whole internal thing in there they gotta get in there they gotta get under the catch mechanism for loads they're fucking kangaroos a human factory inside their box they have a human factory in there i mean shit all we're doing is yeah we have balls that make loads that's what we have and

those loads make people it's really no big deal for us they have a human making machine inside their vagina yeah shit what the fuck man what's up doug where have you been all over the place you've been on the road like nine i can't even remember like every time i'm in la somebody goes where were you last weekend i don't know i went some places are you a constant flagstaff and phoenix last weekend yeah and i but i i'm really going where i want to go when I want to go there. For the next couple of months, I'm only playing gigs in California and Florida to avoid winter weather. Do you have plants?

No. Yeah, no plants. No, no. But I'm home. I've kind of gotten into a pattern in my career of always trying to be home for a few days, then out for a few days. I never go away for a long time or stay home for a long time.

I just sort of... The go away for a couple days and come back is the best way. When people go out for like three months at a time and all they do is tour, that'll drive you crazy. You might as well be in a band if you're going to do that. Yeah, I watched that Dane Cook tourgasm where he and all those guys

and Bobby Kelly... Yeah, they all went touring around. They went touring around. I like all those guys and bobby kelly three poor guys yeah they all went touring around they went touring around i like all those guys and i feel so bad for them having like because they do stuff like today we're gonna go ride horses to see what wackiness happens and then robert kelly falls off the fucking horse and breaks his arm yeah it's just like oh you didn't even need to go horseback riding you could have just been hanging out in a condo like you would if you were out doing your own gig somewhere. You know? Yeah.

Yeah. Did Robert Kelly break his arm? Yeah, or twisted it or something. Because during a lot of tourgasm, he has some sort of cast or sling on his arm, I think. Is that what happened? I remember there was an audio that they were playing on Opie and Anthony. He was talking about his knee, right? Oh, yeah. He hurt his knee. He broke his knee. I think. Is that what happened? I remember there was an audio that they were playing on Opie and Anthony. He was talking about his knee.

He hurt his knee. He broke his knee. I broke my knee, man. I broke my knee, man. Right? Yeah, I guess. Maybe I'm just confusing everything. I remember.

But those guys, that had to be really stressful to go on the road. I only did it once with that Charlie Murphy thing. Me and Charlie Murphy and John Heffron. And it was not the most fun because we weren't doing well, like ticket sales. We didn't do well in a lot of places. Like the promotion wasn't the best. So a lot of people had no idea we were even in their towns. It turned out that we only did well in the places where I already did well and Charlie already did well.

It wasn't really like a good, it wasn't a really well- sort of a such a blur too like I don't remember anything like I remember what city was what and what club was what well it did and unfortunately you know this was before social media we didn't have like twitter or anything like that imagine us having this stream show during that oh it'd been so fun, it would have been really fun to be in a different town. We were literally in a different town every night. We would wake up, stare at the ceiling going, what the fuck, where am I? The shows were awesome.

It starts to blur together for sure, the hotels and the airlines and the airports. The shows were awesome, but it just wasn't financial success. It didn't do well. It only did well in like half the places you know is there a city that you don't like performing in like you just think oh it the crowds always suck there because people always ask me about that and i i always have a great time everywhere i go well you bring your own people now you know that's true for a long time as an opening act for other comics i always i never like, oh, this city, they don't like me as much as other cities.

Sometimes you get a bad crowd. Yeah. I don't find one city to be like, oh, that place, the crowds are always really stupid. Some places they skew old. I don't do well in Atlantic City because the crowds are just too old. Right. And they're just like, what the hell is he talking about? Right, right, right.

Yeah. Yeah, Atlantic City is a tricky place. Yeah. That's a tricky place. I've done, what is that big theater there? We did that. At the Borgata? Yeah, I did that a couple times. It's a tricky place.

There's a lot of old people. It's a strange thing. It's sort of like trying to be Vegas, but it's just a hair seedier, just just a hair weirder hair more possibility of murder in the air you know yeah yeah just a hair more you know it's it's you know it's it caters to it you know to new jersey and philadelphia and you know everything around there like it's more like a localized like people come from all over the world for vegas but if someone's coming from really far away why are they going to atlantic city that'd be that'd be a weird choice and

atlantic city is essentially surrounded by dangerous cities you know vegas is essentially in the middle of nowhere you know you get past barstow and what the fuck is it it's just a bunch of weird towns that don't make any sense you know that drive to vegas is the real america though you know it's it's a strange drive but that that drive to Vegas, that's the real America. Atlantic City, you have to go through Camden. You pass through the outskirts of South Philly. There's a lot of places around

Atlantic City that are filled with criminals. Serious criminals, man. They had a fucking big billboard in Newark when we were there for the UFC. A big billboard in Newark when we were there for the UFC. A big billboard that said, Stop killing the teachers.

Stop killing the teachers. Is there a big teacher murder thing going on? Dude, I don't know, but the fact that there must be something. I mean, otherwise why would you make a goddamn billboard about it saying, Stop killing the teachers? My joke, of course, was the people who are killing the teachers probably can't read.

It's just, you know, it's not really helping. And by the way, they're going to look at that and go, no. I'm here to kill the teacher. Might even encourage them a little bit. What the fuck, man? That's a scary, scary place. Newark is a spooky place. I lived in Newark for a couple of years.

I lived there when I was a little kid, and then I lived there again when I was an adult for I think about six months. I stayed with my grandfather when I first moved to New York. I couldn't afford my own place, and I got signed by this management company, and so I had to relocate to New York. So I just balls up, picked up my shit, whatever money I had in the bank, and just went. I was gone in like two weeks.

So I had to stay with my grandfather. And he lived on North 9th Street in Newark, New Jersey. And I'm telling you, man, you might as well have been in another country. It is a crazy little spot, man. There's a lot going on there, man. There's a lot going on. It's like it's a completely different vibe. I've only gone through there on a train.

I don't think I've set foot in there. They did this thing called blockbusting. This is what they used to do. This is how real estate guys made money. It was a really devious practice. They would go into a neighborhood and say, hey, black people are moving in. You better sell now because your property value is going to crash.

By the time they move in, you're going to be fucked. You're going to lose your investment. So a lot of people bought into it and a lot of people just took off. And sure enough, boom, it crashed whole neighborhoods. They did it on purpose. They did it to try to make money. And my grandfather was like, fuck you. I like black people. I'm going to stay right here. This is my house. I bought this house. And he watched this neighborhood turn from being an all-Italian neighborhood to being an all-black neighborhood, and then it became like all-Spanish, like various different kinds of people from Puerto Rico, people from all different nationalities, but a lot of Spanish people now.

So it was really almost like he had watched this whole thing where he was in this old-school America, you know, 1940s. And then, boom, all of a sudden he's living in the modern age where everything has just gone crazy around him. I bet Mitt Romney's done some of that blockbusting. Oh, yeah. That seems like that's in his wheelhouse. You ever seen blockbusting porn? He'd do blockbusting for Jesus.

Or blockbusting for Joseph Smith. Yeah, I'm sure he's a swell guy. We're just joking around, folks. I'm sure Mitt Romney's aces. I'm sure he's aces. You know what he says about, right now he's saying that they should just, everyone should just go ahead and go bankrupt on all houses. Everyone should just lose their house and let the let

the market decide what what happens to everybody what the fuck that's his strategy is just let everybody don't loan any money to anybody is that his real statement yeah that's incredible that's incredible he's like let the foreclosure process happen just that's like being raped like just lay back and let it happen yeah and don't struggle the ultimate acceptance that as a unit we're only as strong as our weakest link you know you have to if you're if you're working towards things as the leader if you're supposed to be the number one guy that you're you're at the top calling all the shots the number one thing you have to take care of is the weakest of the links. That's the people that are fucked up.

The weakest of the links. The people that are down and out. The people that are homeless. The people that don't know where their next meal is coming from. You've got to take care of them. You've got to figure that out. Yeah, and that's the problem with our politics in this country is those people are not paying for the politicians.

They're not making the contributions that keep them taking isn't that racist though it's not racist there's a lot of poor white people oh yeah the poverty level poverty level is so ridiculous it doesn't matter white white or black doesn't matter it's not about that it's about people that are in despair you know it's for anyone to say that they should just suffer, that's ridiculous. You know, some people can't do it on their own, man. Some people need a little help. Some people need to be shown how. You know, we need a nation with someone who's an actual guide,

someone who can offer real guidance. And now they're not doing that, man. It's just a money grab. It's a money grab by all these fucking corporate whores, and all these people who have paid for these politicians to be in place, and paid for these laws to be in place, are just reaping the profits while the rest of us freak the fuck out, because we can't figure out why the resources are going the way they're going. We're going, why are you there? Why do we have 100,000 fucking troops here? Why do we have troops

there? Why don't we conserve our fucking resources? Why is that the biggest section of our economy? Why does it have to be this military industrial complex? Why do we have to be doing this? This idea to keep us safe to keep what the fuck are you talking about man? Keep the troops here. Let them guard Yeah, exactly. Do you want to keep us safe all over the place? Yeah, have troops all over the outskirts of the fucking country you know that's how you keep us safe you don't have you know this is preemptive shit man i don't know dude i don't i don't the whole thing freaks me out it freaks me out because i can't believe it's this bad in 2011 i was listening to a robert anton wilson lecture and he was talking it was in 1993 and he was talking about how war is in the process of being phased out.

And he was talking about how in the future it's obviously being phased out. And I wonder what he would have said now, today, thinking about that like in 1993. That in 1993, I thought war was going to be phased out too we all thought it was over you know we got through that whole crazy desert storm thing under bush and all of a sudden here we are and it's 2011 and it's crazier than ever i wonder what he would have said then i mean is it being phased out because it doesn't seem like it's being phased out it seems like it's heating up like we may be pulling out of a couple places but going into new ones yeah it's like what the fuck is going on if there's something else going on let me know all right if indiana jones has found the fucking lost temple and the ark of the

covenant is in there and you have to keep the the bad guys from getting to it because you know if not it'll be hell on earth. And hopefully there's no snakes. Yeah. Fucking please let me know because otherwise, this is crazy. Otherwise, this is crazy. And it's just so obvious that there's money behind all this shit.

It's so obvious. We live in the grossest, most corrupt country ever. It's so bizarre. Not ever, of course. I'm just kidding. I mean, I'm sure a lot of Middle Eastern countries and a lot of South American countries, they're pretty corrupt too.

But the fact that we're this wonky, and then everybody wants to stand up and say, if you don't fucking like it, you should get out. If you don't like it, you should leave America. There's so many rah, rah, rah fans out there. Not liking it is what the whole country's been built upon. Exactly. That was the idea, is that everybody gets to contribute.

It's called a democracy, and we're all supposed to participate and help one another. Yeah. And now it's just like, it's becoming so every man for himself. The disparity between the richest 1% and the poorest people is it's just insane the difference it's goddamn money grab out there yeah it's a money grab out there left and right so are all the occupies right now being shut down like i haven't it's kind of right each city's kind of treating it differently like um there's a few cities that are really embracing it and yeah like in la it's not it's not really a problem

the original one i heard got shut down yeah i heard some crazy shit that they were keeping reporters out and they were forcing uh forcing reporters out of the area they said it was for their own safety well they went in and like that's insulting bloomberg cleared everybody out at you know they're all intense and they went through and told everybody they had 10 minutes to get out at 1 a.m. on Tuesday. And then they used quite a bit of force to get everybody out of there. And now they're letting people back in, but they're saying they can't have tents and sleeping bags. You can go back in and just stand there. And the idea is they figure that that's going to kill the movement a little bit because it's getting so cold.

What the fuck, man? And they won't be able to last through the winter but bloomberg keeps saying it's a safety issue and that also that you know they have the right to peaceably assemble but they don't have a right to have a tent or a sleeping bag which is just kind of like well but that's so that they can assemble peaceably and not you know not just all freeze to death in the middle of the fucking park and in new york like why would they want casualties or why why would they want people to suffer that much you know in order to just express uh their their you know anger at uh wall street i mean i i think it's fantastic that it's that it that that it's happening everywhere you know that there's you know there'sy Dubuque and stuff like that.

But also, this new Bloomberg doing this, if he had just let it be, the movement might have died. But it brought this whole new media storm and all this new footage of cops just beating up these people that don't look like hippies. They're not all in tie-dye. They're just people that don't look like hippies. They're not all in tie-dye. They're just people that are just concerned and showing up to make a mark. They're holding hand-by-hand.

Did you see that video where they're holding hand-by-hand? That's just insane. I can't believe that as a fellow person just being able to do that to that girl. Little girl. What he's saying is they were jabbing him with batons. Bloomberg, he makes it all about He was horrible.

He makes it all about keeping people of New York safe by kicking everybody out of there. It's like when they're in their tents, who is in danger? Nobody. But as soon as they're spraying pepper spray. He's worried about people freezing to death. I don't he is i think he just i don't think he is either but it is sort of a legal concern if someone freezes to death on your lawn who's responsible for that yeah well it's certainly

not his lawn like it's a it's like a public park that's privately owned is it but it's owned by some corporation is it also public safety though like it's just like that's the argument is that it's you know his argument was that people can't enjoy the park if the park is full of people that are just well just there in a protest point but it's like you know hey it's new york city walk two blocks and enjoy that other park yeah you know it's just one fucking park but i think what you you know, eh, yeah. There's definitely two sides to it, but it just feels like what Bloomberg did sort of,

it sort of energized the movement in a way that it might not have happened if he did just let it play out. How would anybody expect them to behave, though? They've got to figure out a way to squash this, and they have to take drastic measures. That's why they go through the middle of the night everybody's fucking there's no end of sleep yeah and they go in there and just say you got to go now get out but there's footage of like cops you know lifting guys up and throwing them over the barricade stuff it's like it's really and and you know and the cops for the most part i like to say they're doing what they're told to do i don't i don't like to blame the cops yeah they're giving what they're they're they're doing

what they're told to do but when they're doing it all of a sudden the people that don't want to listen become the enemy they become bad guys yeah it's like a bouncer with a drunk person in a club like when that drunk person is belligerent then it gets violent they should like people aren't bad guys they should like like let them still occupy the trees. They should be allowed to live in the trees in the park. That's a fantastic idea. What if a hippie falls on you?

You have some real safety issues. They have to have some safety people to check it out. Then they become Ewoks in a couple months. The idea is to cause some inconvenience and draw some attention you don't get together

and protest something and do it super politely imagine if that's where sloths came from they were originally people they were just so fucking stupid they eventually just became these clawed things they degenerated to that point imagine if someone proved that.

That's why sloth is like a sin. That's one of the sins, the basic sins, right? Yeah. It's my favorite. Sloth? Yeah. What was that movie with Brad Pitt? Seven with a seven instead of a V.

Yeah. That's a good movie. That's a good fucking movie. It's a good movie. It's a good fucking movie. It's a creepy movie. When that one dude, that big sloth guy was like sitting hunched over the table. And it was the first time where I saw like a body where they had like makeup where it was like blue. Like it's been sitting there for a while. They did a good job.

Yeah. Dead thing. It looked dead as fuck. Yeah. Do you ever do that? What? Do you ever get makeup like that on you just for fun like it looks like your stomach's no i don't do a lot of things just for fun i'm no brian red band brian red

band lives just for fun yeah the whole ride i wish you got a dragon's lair shirt on what's that about you know what i went to a comic book store store the other day because I've been hearing all this shit about how comic book stores are just hurting right now. They're suffering the most with this whole economy. People aren't buying comics anymore. They don't have any free money where kids are downloading comics now. So I decided there's one in Burbank that I've always driven by. I might check it out.

Maybe I can find a cool poster for the studio or something. So I went in there, and I was in there for like three hours. It's the best store ever. You bought a bunch of stuff. A bunch of just random things. It was so cheap. It was like posters were like $7. I was like, wow.

I never get a chance to brag about this, but I worked at the arcade that had the very first Dragon's Lair, the test one, before it went public. And I probably killed the arcade that had the very first Dragon's Lair, the test one, before it went public. And I probably killed the dragon. I was probably maybe the 30th or 40th person in the world to get all the way to the end and kill the dragon. Because I would stay at night when I was off duty, and I had keys to the place. And I would just stay in there and play and play and play until I finally got to the dragon, figured it all out, and killed the dragon. And then eventually it went public.

That is amazing. All over the place. You just gave me the biggest nerd boner in the whole world. In San Diego, I worked in an arcade called Starport. It was in a mall. But when you walked in, there was all this corrugated tin and stuff that kind of like you were going into Space Mountain or something. And there was stars on the ceiling. it was kind of a cool themed uh arcade refresh my memory because i remember the dragon's lair was like this really cool animated thing

where you know you would go you would have but you would have to move certain ways there's a series of scenes that would happen on the screen you know like an animated movie it looked like a donald disney movie and you you had like uh you know i think you had a regular toggle thing and then a couple of buttons it's yeah it's a joystick and uh an action button and usually it started off like you're walking down like a bridge and then like a snake comes up and you have to think what would you want to do like either take the sword to the snake or left but it was more of a guessing game if you had it was more like you had to try every combination of things to do like there's one part where you're like roaring you're in a like a cave roaring down a river and like a raft or something yeah and it's like you have you can

go to the right or the left and so if you toggle to the right you know you you go you go the rest of the way without encountering anything but if you go the other way something something goes wrong and you lose a life or something and um there's just a bunch of options through the whole thing until i just don't finally you get to and kill the dragon but yeah it was really it was weird because it wasn't you know it was early enough in video games where it wasn't like you uh could really make the things do that much because also it was yeah it was pre-animated and there weren't a lot of options so like as long as you did the right thing you you move forward or you or or there'd be a scene of you you know failing they have it

on the ipad i believe now but that's my dream is to get in a dragon's lair original dragon's arcade game and my friend actually just got one i'm so jealous that's your dream that was one of my like you know like you have dream things like like gold shorts i want the gold short circuit i think you would get really bored of it today man but also yeah let me give you also another reason to not be jealous here's the reason to not be jealous is because when that thing breaks down there's nobody that can fix it i already have a Laserdisc player at my house, brand new, just waiting to replace it. What? A Laserdisc player?

Wait, you're good enough with that kind of stuff that you can install the... A couple of my friends, that's what they do for a living, the arcade restoration. Does that work on Laserdisc? Is that what it is?

Oh, yeah. It's a Laserdisc, actually. So the game is a Laserdisc? Yes. Essentially, yeah. Wow. With just different... When you toggle the correct way or you push the button the right way, it goes

into a different chapter. But honestly, nowadays, you can mod arcade games. Like, I could hook up a computer to it and have every single arcade game ever, you know? So you don't even need the Laserdisc player anymore. It's using ROMs. How many options were there for movement? That's what I don't remember. I just remember it being completely groundbreaking.

Like, whoa, this is like, it's like an anime it was a movie this is amazing it was just joystick and one button that's all yeah if i recall yeah you just kind of like are always kind of moving to the left or the right or or in the case of and it was hard case of like throwing the sword into the dragon i think you had to just press the button and and and motion in that direction at the same time yeah laser disc games for the 80s were one of my favorite things ever. He had that Mach 5 or whatever it was called, where it was like you were a jet plane, and it was like all real film of jets.

And it was really cool because it was also using a Laserdisc player. It was like new. And they had like Space Ace, which was also done by Don Bluth. It did Dragon's Lair. And there was one game, they started taking Japanese cartoon movies like Space Ace, which was also done by Don Bluth, who did Dragon's Lair. And there was one game, they started taking Japanese cartoon movies and making them video games. Malibu Grand Prix had a, it was a racetrack thing in the Midwest where they had a whole arcade division.

So they took these animated movies, and one was called Space 666, or it was like about a train. And it was the coolest video game because you were on top of a train, and it was like Dragon's Lair, and it was like a spy movie. It was about a train. It was the coolest video game because you were on top of a train. It was like Dragon's Lair. It was like a spy movie. It was so cool. I remember this. That style of game didn't really catch on. It didn't really become...

It was big briefly in the 80s. It didn't become a lot of them. There's Pac-Man and then everything that's sort of like Pac-Man. I vaguely remember that in an arcade. year was this this was about 85 i don't think i ever saw that i only saw i remember space ace and feeling like it was already like oh well that's not dragon's lair that's yeah just an attempt to be like dragon's lair home computer games must

have just crushed video arcades right it did It did when the Nintendo finally came out. I mean, Atari was popular. Do they still have a big video arcade? Do you remember when we used to go to just video arcades? You'd open the door and it was just all fucking... Now it's always with something else or in a weird place like an airport or a casino. What are those Dave and Buster type places? Yeah, they have a room of games. But you also have to have food and drinks and pool tables and shuffleboard.

No place is just video games, except for there's one joint in Portland that's like a whole arcade that's just all old school shit. Of course it's in Portland. Yeah, right? Of course it's in Portland. That's funny. I told you about my friend that does

the restorations Brian Penzone Columbus, Ohio his whole basement he made an 80s arcade room so you walk down it's like you walk down into 1980

oh wow and so it's amazing and it's huge so he decorated it like Wayne's World style everything like those little pink neon

that's always at the top you you know, from the 80s. As soon as Brian Posehn made a nickel in show business, he and his buddy Dave Rath bought a combination. It was half and half Ms. Pac-Man Galaga. Yes. I like that. I would just spend hours over his house just fucking playing Galaga. Galaga is the shit. I'm pretty good at galaga yeah

and then he also got a joust slash robotron and i'm really good at robotron was another one that i you know i just worked in an arcade so i just played games all day kids would come up to me and they'd be like can i get some tokens and i'd be like hang on a second kid you know and i'd finish the round then i'd throw him some tokens and then i'd go back to playing like it was the craziest job yeah i went one of those cocktail tables for the studio oh those are great table uh pac-man joust games i love they used to have those like while you're waiting around like in a pizza hut or something yeah yeah you could sit down or like sit down table pinball was also kind of cool there's a place near me that the movie theater has an arcade. There's a little entry room where you can go and play video games while you're waiting for your movie.

I just like the look of it. I like the style of arcade games. I don't even play it much. I have a Pac-Man at the studio, and I barely ever play it. I just like the lights of it. I like just the look of it. It's relaxing. It's nostalgia, man.

It's a goddamn Leonard Skinner poster. That's right. It relaxes you when you're i get turned on by these video game commercials man i get turned on by these video game commercials but not to the point where i'll go out and get it oh really i won't i won't allow myself i just know that i will you know any new video game i sort of of kicked it. I just stopped doing it altogether after Mario Kart. I used to play that day and night. And then after a while, you're just like, what is getting great at this going to do for me?

It's fun, but holy shit. You're getting tricked. You're getting tricked into doing something absolutely stupid with your time. It hijacks your whole idea, your reward system. You're getting tricked. You're getting tricked into doing something absolutely stupid with your time. It hijacks your whole idea, your reward system. You're succeeding. You're doing yes, yes, accomplishing. You're focused. You're in on it.

But really, you're not even in the real world. You're in this. You're getting all these signals from this fake world. Yeah, but it's like watching a movie to me nowadays. It's like I want to escape. Doing what? It's like watching a movie to me. I want to escape reality, but I want to have more control

of the movie. So that's kind of why I do... I don't watch as many movies anymore. When you have interactive video games, there's a lot of thinking involved, especially if you're playing Counter-Strike or something like that, or playing Quake or any of those team games.

Like John Madden, you've got to know a shitload about all the players. There's a lot of thinking going on. Like your synapses are firing. Whether or not you choose to think that they're firing on something useful or not, that's really sort of an arbitrary decision. Like you can't say that this person isn't actually training their mind

through intense video games because you're doing intense video games, you're multitasking. Your fucking, your synapses are firing. You're moving your fingers. You have to, you know, in first- first person shooters you have to be in direct coordination with your left hand which moves your keys and your right hand which controls the mouse and you know there's a lot of shit going on you can't tell me that that's not exercise for your mind i played a lot of

golden eye too now that i think of it you know they released that huh they re-released that oh really what's golden it was the first j Bond, like the first pretty cool, you know, run around, grab different weapons. First person shooter type thing. Yeah, but they'd have, you know, you could play four people at a time. So me and Poseidon and two other people would just sit there for hours chasing each other around, trying to shoot each other. So stupid.

Yeah, man. The whole staff on news radio, the entire writing staff, was addicted to Quake. And they had a LAN set up, a local area network set up in the office where they had like six, seven computers all linked up together and they would have these mad Quake tournaments. It was crazy. It was really fucking fun.

It was, unfortunately, though, hugely addictive. Yeah, yeah. It was, unfortunately, though, hugely addictive. Yeah, yeah. I would get really stuck playing. Where I was like, you know, 7 o'clock, 8 o'clock in the morning, all right, I got to go home. I could make myself drive home because we were all playing. When I worked at Gateway, all the tech guys with all the Gateway stores in Columbus,

we used to have LAN parties. Every Friday we would just get alcohol and uh we'd all have like shuttles or like small little portable yeah we'll bring our computers our cantaloupes and then we would just sit there and play battlefield 19 or whatever uh for like hours to like five in the morning local area networks are fun we used to do that like the quake clan that i was in we would uh get together in houston texas they would most of those guys lived in houston so we would go to houston and have these uh local area network parties set up in this all the computers set up in this room that'd be awesome i've seen like places that was the thing you should be at the studio make it like a huge also you could sit down and just have like a lamb

party every time you hang out there dude if we do and do a podcast during that i have a real problem yeah how can you you could only do it once a week i'll play some if you want to put some quake on there i'll play some quake once a week i'll open up the dragon's door i'll open up pandora's box yeah that'd be cool land party podcast i got to play i played pool last night with you did why where why dom herrera is a good pool player that's why you played with him yeah he's a buddy yeah yeah i didn't know i didn't know you knew him or what but like you just went to his house or so you met up somewhere we met at a pool where's the pool hall because that's another thing that seems to be dying yeah. Yeah, it's not hard to find pool halls. This was the House of Billiards in Sherman Oaks.

Yeah, it's hard to find good places. Vegas has the most good places. Vegas still has 24-hour pool halls, which is an anomaly outside of Vegas. It used to be in New York you could get 24-hour pool halls a lot. There was Chelsea, Chelsea Billiards, and there was a bunch of other smaller places that were 24 hours. I don't know how many of them are left, but Chelsea's gone and a lot of other big ones are gone. That's crazy, a 24-hour place to play a sport. There's not many of those.

There's not like anything else. The name pool really is all about gambling. It's really pocket billiards. It's called pool because everybody's pooling their money together and betting. The fun in pool is all about money. It's all about gambling. And so you would go to these places and the reason why they were open 24 hours a day is because no one ever wanted to leave

they would just play just trying to double up and then you get you get down and you try to get back up guys would sleep under the tables it was so common that guys would stay there for two three days yeah i would go and do gigs i'd come back and the same guys would be there from the night before in the same clothes you know they're almost like a job for a lot of guys yeah and they would they would be gambling like crazy but it was always fun it was always exciting you know the the the world of uh gambling and pool and that like you know if you're if you're in an action room it's fucking fun man it's it's very addictive you know but it's again it's just like the video game thing it's like what are you doing by getting really good at putting balls in holes what do you what

are you doing and gambling illegally and getting yeah getting in scrapes with guys because you don't you know you don't like cigarettes for the most part hustling dudes for the most part if everybody knew everybody there was very few problems but there was always stories if you know this guy wanted his money back and he came at this guy with a fucking golf club. And, you know, there was always those stories. I saw a few scuffles over the years of hanging out in pool halls. But for the most part, when people paid, you know,

if they wanted to keep gambling, they had to pay when they lost because everybody had, there was a gambler's ethic. If you caused trouble when you lost and you were only happy when you won, nobody would gamble with you. People didn't want to. So they just naturally became guys who had good reputations and guys who didn't. And if you didn't know the guy,

don't play him. So it's sort of how... But then Tom Cruise and Paul Newman showed up. That was the big boom. That's when people realized how fun it was. But it's one of those things that's getting... It's sort of getting lost in our culture. When we were playing last night there was a girl uh at a table next to us that was pretty good she she could play pretty good and she was with her boyfriend who couldn't fucking

play at all and she was humiliating him and he was trying getting really super upset but it's like she didn't even try to help him. His technique was fucking horrible. His elbow was up in the air. He was putting all kinds of extra spin on the ball. Couldn't make a ball to save his life. And the girl was like, just laughing at him and jumping up and down

every time she won. And you could see him getting fucking pissed. Getting actually pissed off that she was like bragging because she was winning this game. Like you see him like, almost want to hit her. I'm like, wow. There's some deep-se she was winning this game. You see him almost want to hit her. I'm like, wow, there's some deep-seated shit in this game.

All competition between dudes and their girlfriends, of any kind, it brings out some really weird shit. Basketball. Because as a man, you've got to win. And against a woman? Yeah. No matter how nice to the women you are and how much you respect them

it's still this weird yeah you know thing kicks in that's just uh hardwired yeah i was dating this chick this is how i got into pool i was dating this chick and she was a little older than me and she used to like to tell me what to do i didn't really like that but i like to fuck her so i stuck around for a little while but uh we played because that was one of the things she'd tell you to do yeah we played pool once and uh she beat me playing pool she was pretty you know not i wasn't good so i wouldn't say she was pretty good but she beat me and so i said oh shit i found something she's good at you know like you know she's or she's she's better at me than this well this is terrible i have to fix this i have to fix this at. So I went to the pool hall and learned how to play pool.

I went and started practicing. I went and I got a book on it. I got my own cue. I figured out how to play pool. And then we played again and I killed her. You played her? Yeah. We played again.

I totally practiced, totally learned how to play pool. And then, I mean, I wasn't good by any stretch of the imagination, but at least I knew how to play pool. And then, I mean, I wasn't good by any stretch of the imagination. But at least I knew how to play pool. Like, I was definitely way better than I was the first time we played. And then I won. So I had a problem that I couldn't let her have beaten me at something. And this is how I got addicted to playing pool. I'm imagining you being like the zookeeper character as you're telling that story. Totally.

Dude, I was totally like that guy. Well, that was the dark days. That was the actual fighting days. The dark days, I was way crazier. Yeah, I can't think of an example of something I taught myself to be better at to beat my girlfriend, but I'm sure it happened. Yeah, I could not let her. She was older than me, and she was smart. There was no way.

She was a very educated person, too. She was a musician. She lot of a lot of shit going on she ever wrote a song about you when you guys were doing that'd be cool there was a song out there yeah probably be mean she's a nice person very nice person but I still know her sort sort of? No, no. It's very hard to stay in touch with people. When you used to date them and all, they date other people.

They don't want some dude fucking calling and texting and emailing. Yeah, it's weird. It's not right. It's not right. Wish them the best, and don't confuse everybody. Because you can confuse the shit out of people, don't you think? But all of a sudden, you're in a fight with your know you're you're having email talks with your ex-boyfriend then all of a sudden you start thinking you know maybe this guy and i could give it one more shot maybe that's why it'll it can create conflict you know i think if it's an open forum only then

that's cool like a facebook wall post and stuff like that like hey how you been we should hang out sometime or something like that yeah maybe you could do with that there's always some gamemanship or somebody wants something and then the trouble is the other people in your life start you know questioning what's going on and it sucks yeah it sucks it's annoying really we should be able to just fuck everybody that's really ideal but no one can handle that no one can handle that that'd be so weird red band's the only person that could handle that. No. Could you imagine if the ego actually gets completely cured?

You can't have art then. That would be so weird. You're not going to have everything to say. Art is like the struggle. All the best jokes were to get played. Art is like the struggle. Yeah, the best painter art is like the struggle between like the ego and like the the desire to produce something fantastic to to please others you know and if you don't control the ego you you

can't really produce art but the the fight with the ego is what fuels the art sometimes so if we had no ego we'd have no art no art but people would just fuck like randomly everybody would just be able to fuck everybody you wouldn't worry about it takes nerve to be an artist because you're basically saying you know that i i can do this thing so well that people are going to want it yeah it's very arrogant yeah super arrogant but it's also you know it's it starts out like you're you know you're just like i get people asking me all the time, how do you become a stand-up comic? And I'm just like, you know, do it.

That's how you become one. You just do it. And then they're always like, yeah, but do you have any advice? And I really, like, there's lots of little tiny pieces of advice that you can give if you want to sit with a person and talk to them for two weeks. But big advice is just do it. Yeah, never underestimate

the power of actually fucking doing something yeah and also also not the the fact that they're questioning it at all the fact that they're looking to someone else for help to get started makes you think that they how are they ever going to make it because they don't want it badly enough they're not going to just do it yeah i never asked anybody all i asked is what you have to do to get on stage what do you have to do to get on stage that was my my initial question but once i got in you know and started doing open mics i just you know you you figure it out by doing it and the truth is no one yeah no one's good no one's good the no one that you know who thinks they're funny can go on stage and kill in front of a room full of strangers you might laugh if you think you know they're your

buddy and they're up there yuck yucking it up. But guess what? It's a weird fucking way to communicate with people and it really is not all that it seems. It's a very tricky sort of a craft that you have to learn and develop. But you can do it. Anybody can do it. But nobody's

good in the beginning. Nobody's good in the beginning. Yeah, or you get your laughs here and there and that's encouraging. You get a little chuckle here and there. You feel like in the beginning. Yeah, or you get your laughs here and there, and that's encouraging. You get a little chuckle here and there. You feel like you're on to something, but you suck, dude. We all suck. Everybody does. The worst is how your first time is usually the best, too, within the next 10 times.

But some people get an extra charisma bump, too, though. You know what I mean? I bet you the first sets of Bill Hicks, Eddiedie murphy yes you know yeah spade started really early rock started really early like those guys were probably you know very decent their first time out you know just because you know that it's that charismatic personality well i was talking about joey diaz who's uh one of my favorite comedians of all time joey joey's in my opinion he's like at a just sheer laugh out loud fall down moments he's provided me with the most of any human being ever and joey was not that good when i met him he was not that good on stage he just couldn't do it it was a real weird thing

i don't know what it was well he's just a hilarious dude i mean he's hilarious talking about anything yeah but maybe he couldn't uh you know focus it into set a punch line kind of maybe i don't know what it was or bits turned a fucking corner man and i don't remember when it was but i remember it was it was actually i don't know i don't know maybe maybe three four years in i don't know what it was three four years into knowing him he turned this fucking corner and just started destroying or maybe he just became more himself yeah oh he definitely did he just learned to be relaxed on stage he just i see you know i asked him what happened he's like i just stopped giving a fuck yeah yeah he said i stopped giving a fuck yeah not trying too many he's like too many people

telling him what to do and he was like fuck you i'm gonna do it my way and when he did that boom he was awesome but when he was trying to make everybody happy he just couldn't he couldn't he couldn't really be himself you know himself is the i don't give a fuck guy that tells the funny stories in the back of the comedy store and that's the guy that we all knew and loved but then on stage he figured out how to do it and that was you know that's that's the most dramatic out of my life of seeing someone go from not being good to being really good. Joey's the most dramatic. Oh, I got my most dramatic one. Who?

It was Doug Stanhope. Doug Stanhope wasn't good in the beginning? Well, you know, I don't know how raw he was when I saw him. What year was this? Oh, man. A long time ago it was like uh it was back when you know steve sherepa was still physically there at the riviera comedy club and it was maybe even still an improv at that point and i was one of two i was one of two feature acts with this

other guy named tom martin who now he writes on simpsons and stuff and the headliner was hugh fink and doug stanhope was the the host you know the mc for like one of those crazy weeks where you do two shows a night for seven nights and uh and crowds were starting to get smaller than you know like the kind of the vegas comedy boom was starting to fade a little bit and shrivel would just yell at him every night you know he was like that week's punching bag and what was just yelling about but he was it was just doug stan well just you know being late bringing a bringing a girl into the showroom without asking ahead of time and like like shrivel just you know it happened to me a few times he just sort of picks one person to sort of pick on to kind of establish to the group that you can't get away with anything.

But Doug, like, super, super good kid, you know, nice guy. I was a few years older than him and, you know, thought I really had it under control. And the three of us, we just all that were working with him, we just all sort of thought, oh, you know, we'll see what happens with him. Because his act was just like anybody's, like just somebody trying to do a stand-up act and not i think he stanhope really turned a corner when he just started talking about his own experiences instead of trying to say do you ever notice like he's not an observational comic i mean there's observations within what he's talking about because his stories are so interesting and he's such a funny guy well when you're young it like, what do you have to really talk about?

You know, I've always said that. Like I remember he had this one bit where he would talk about, he would talk about, he would describe how nasty an egg roll is and how much he doesn't like egg rolls. And it's like, as an audience member, you know, maybe 50, 70% of the audience loves egg rolls and it's like as an audience member you know maybe 50 70 percent of the audience loves egg rolls you know so then so then it was just kind of like you just kind of sit there going well this you know he's got to figure out of you know he's either got to have more of a personal take on why they're bad to convince us or he's got to drop that because you know egg rolls are awesome they're delicious and you know it's just he was like, they're filled with mulch.

I remember that was one of his punchlines was just the word mulch. And you know how like the weirdest things stick out when you work with somebody for like a week, like there's some sentence or thing that they talked about that you remember. And I always remember that, but I've always, you know, I've known him ever since then.

He never, you know, he just kept plowing away and became, you know, just kept plowing away and became you know such a powerful funny comic like it's became himself found himself then became himself yeah totally yeah and you know again kind of had like sort of a hook of being like the guy that's going to talk about you know some pretty horrifying things but doug stanhope is is the real deal he's legit doug stanhope really is that guy he really does live in a crazy house it's painted doug stanhope really is that guy he really does live in a crazy house it's painted weird colors his girlfriend really is crazy house she really

is on all sorts of fucking crazy pills joe remember awesome yeah dude yeah i was there when he used to have homeless people live on his fucking front lawn where is he like arizona or utah he's in business well should i even say i think he says everywhere He does He lives in Arizona But he tours And puts on his own Like he kind of You know Does it his own way He tours like a rock star

Like he goes town to town Doug had a fucking house That was painted Like an American flag In Venice And we would go party At his house When we were

Doing the man show He rented this house That was literally A fucking American flag It was so weird And it was right on the street And he had this little Fenced in area in the front He would let homeless people street. And he had this little fenced-in area in the front.

He would let homeless people stay there. So he had this homeless couple that was staying there, and the fucking woman stabbed the man. And they got a video of her looking at her hands, because she had blood on her hands from the guy she stabbed. And she had like an accent. And she was like, I'm a cunt, I'm a whore. I'm a cunt, I'm a whore.

She kept saying something, something, I'm a cunt, I'm a whore. I'm a cunt, I'm a whore. She kept saying something, something. I'm a cunt, I'm a whore. And she was looking at me. It was dark, dude. This is all on Doug's stand. That is horrible. He was so crazy. I was like, dude, you're hanging out with people who are probably severely imbalanced.

It's not just a matter of them being homeless. A lot of the homeless people that you find on the streets are really people that were kicked out of mental institutions or got out of mental institutions and didn't have anybody to take care of them. There's a lot of crazy people out there. Or just lost their mind randomly and didn't fit in anymore. Slowly but surely eroded until that was their reality. Their reality was they're the rats of society.

That's funny that when brought when i brought doug up i did totally i totally skipped that whole that you guys did a show together thing like i was talking i knew you knew who he was you know uh because he's so funny but i was talking about it like you know yeah you know we both know doug stand up but you actually really know the guy like i you know just run into him here and there over the years and we've always been you know friendly and i just recently just told him when you're in la you know let me know because i would i want him on my my podcast he's been on this right yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he's awesome he's he's an unusual dude he's really doing it too his episode of louis ck show was great so so good yeah that was weird seeing him like that, wasn't it?

Yeah, but also it was an interesting amalgam of what he's really like and then some things that Louis just wrote for him to play that were, I guess, Louis just sort of rounding out the character in a dramatic way. Because I don't know if... I doubt Doug's ever gone to Louis and said, I'm going to kill myself.

Right. It's been nice knowing you. Doug's not going to do that. Unless that was wrong, and then he would do that. He would totally Hunter S. Thompson himself. Hunter S. Thompson was done, man. He had hip replacement surgery. He was in constant pain.

He couldn't walk, couldn't swim. He was fucked up, man. He had hip replacement surgery. He was in constant pain. He couldn't walk, couldn't swim. He was fucked up, man. He didn't like living life like that. And he was 60-something years old, and he was like, that's it. Boom! Checkout time. You know? He decided to do it that way.

Doug would do that. You think? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he would do that. You guys want to take bets? Yeah. Can you call and make sure he's okay? Well, you know, what's the alternative? Yeah, he would do that. You guys want to take bets? Yeah. Keep calm.

Make sure he's okay. Well, you know, what's the alternative? Let it slowly run out of batteries and die in the corner? I don't know, man. Exactly. What's the alternative? How's that vaporizer coming? It's probably heated up, I know.

Well, it still says red on it. I think that's not a special effect to me. How long do you think we've been talking? 20 minutes? An hour and five minutes. No way. I bet you we have. That's ridiculous. This podcast is too easy.

Doug, you're... Podcasting is so much fun. It's so much fun. It's the most fun thing we've ever done. As far as the most honest connection with people. Oh, yeah. You just sit there and talk and for people like that that are like working right now you know i dude i think

it's the coolest thing ever i'm so happy that we can do something like this you know entertainers want to entertain you know i mean comics want to be funny people want to talk it's we love doing it you know so the fact that it's such an honest relationship. We love doing it. We put it out there. It's free. Boom, people enjoy it. It's such a great relationship. You know what I'm saying?

You're creating friends all over the place. That's what you're doing. And that's the people that come out to see you at the comedy clubs. They're so fucking nice. We have shared friends now. Yeah, totally. Just this last weekend, it was funny because I was in Arizona in Flagstaff and then Phoenix,

and I didn't know I was going to be doing the show this week. I thought, oh, I'll be on again at some point. I figured I'd be back here on the show, but I didn't know. You called me yesterday or the day before, and we set this up. So last weekend, there's about, over the course of a couple of shows there's probably about a good 10 15 people who said to me go on joe's show again or i want to hear you on joe's show again and i was just like yeah don't worry about it it'll happen and like they're probably right now being like what the fuck that asshole didn't say he was gonna be on a couple

days later yeah we don't really schedule this thing in advance, folks. We keep this bitch as organic as possible. Yeah, but also you're dealing with the schedules of, you know, you mostly have your comedian friends who, you know, they're all in and out of town and have shit to do. Well, that's what the coolest thing about it is that, you know, most of us are around, if we're around, we're around like the days we do the podcast, like Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.

And now it really has an impact on guys guys gigs too oh yeah especially duncan duncan's getting like some fucking sweet gigs he's getting in packing places man duncan sold out his first show ever in seattle and he's like so great tripping out he was like what the fuck man he goes i got bonuses man that's awesome he brought back little hobo you know that puppet thing that he does, Little Hobo? I love the new one. Oh, Little Hobo. I love the new one. It's one of my favorite bits ever.

I love the new Little Hobo. The doll itself, you mean? Yeah. Yeah, it's awesome. Little Hobo is one of my all-time favorite bits. And people either get it or they don't get it. But either way, it's fun for me. I love it.

Oh, yeah. Even if they don't get it, it's uncomfortable. People get angry at comedy. It's so funny. Well, if they get uncomfortable, sometimes it's even more fun. Duncan says some dark shit in that bit. I don't want to kill any of his punchlines. Yeah, don't do that.

But there's a lot of people that hear that and go, what? He had a bunch of people walk out on him in Atlanta, Georgia. Are you serious? Yeah, this Christian couple got up and left. Are you kidding me? Yeah, he was talking talking about jesus on stage hey man people have their beliefs they don't want you fucking with their beliefs they didn't come to a comedy show to get changed god damn it they came to a comedy

show to laugh did you ever uh you can't make everybody laugh you're no good mr comedian do you ever have family reunions growing up? No. Like where you met at a park with other parts of families that you didn't know you were connected to at all? Oh, yeah. And there was like these, like, wait, that's your second cousin to the left? And you're like, what the fuck? I'm related to that person? Yeah, now that you recall, yeah, in New Jersey, I guess, when I was really young, we did have a few of those. I was really young.

That was before I was six, so I barely remember it. Like you said it, and it makes me have little flashes that might not even be real you know they were put in there yeah i talk about this on stage before but it's true i remember one vivid moment when i was young because everybody was mad at me because i hit uh my cousin with a bag of cookies and uh everybody was mad because the cookies went flying and i remember the cookie looking at the cookies in the dirt i'm like shit i fucked up but i was like four and people were angry at me and i remember that it's amazing that there could be i mean even a semi-vivid memory i mean when you say like i have a vivid memory of it what is it really i mean are you how much are you extrapolating how much are you how much are you exaggerating how How much are you exaggerating? How vivid is it really?

Well, it was big enough in the first place to some form of it has stayed in your mind. Something, yeah. Because that's the thing that's crazy to me. Whenever somebody remembers a ton of stuff from when they were little, I'm always kind of baffled by that. I think it's almost like they're just sort of

taking what they kind of remember and then just going ahead and filling out the story. Exactly. I think that is a lot of what happens. I don't think our memory is that fucking good. And I think they don't understand really where memory is stored. The issue with memory and the brain is that they believe that every seven years, virtually every cell in the body is regenerated and reborn anew.

So there's a new version. In seven years, every cell is different the body is regenerated and reborn anew. So there's a new version. In seven years, every cell is different than the seven years before, except the neurons. And so they don't know if that memory is stored somehow in the neurons or if it's just sort of handed down like files. Like every seven years, you get a new administration comes in and goes, look, this is the past past this is the uncle that fucked them this is the thing that happened in second grade this is the car accident all this is you got to remember this you got it you got it and then they take it and seven years later when they die out yeah that's why you have pockets of things you don't remember or things you remembered at one point and don't remember anymore dude i, whole episodes of my life I don't remember.

I watched an old Fear Factory run. I had no recollection of any of it. And it was only 10 years ago. And I'm watching. I don't remember this. I don't remember this happening. I don't remember this. This is weird. I have the two earliest memories I have.

One is breaking a pickle jar at a grocery store, like one of those huge ones. And I just remember it being scary. I remember doing it and stuff like that and falling and i guess i think it was like two or three when it happened and the other one's getting attacked by a bunch of chickens at this farm and i got pecked and i think i've said that before where i got pecked and i have a scar in between my nose because i was near a chicken nest if that was me i would be eating chicken every day but also those are fried chicken every fucking day with one hand on my dick. Right.

But both of those memories, I remember. Like I remember that happening. I remember the pickle jar. I remember being attacked by chickens. But I don't remember it in first person. I remember it kind of being above and looking down at myself. Wow. Well, that's the files you got handed down.

You got handed down the third-person view. Yeah, it's weird. But also were those both stories that uh the family liked to tell like remember when you wrote that huge pickle jar not really like every time i bring it up to my mom she has no idea she has no idea i have to like remember her and then she because that wasn't an important file for her when she was she didn't need to remember that yeah yeah that's brutal when your parents don't remember important shit that happened to you and like that's a big thing like breaking a pickle jar come on but poor little brian could have been dead could have fell

on the sharpest point of that glass and it could have been over yeah you could have died right if it cut me in the i almost fell off a cliff i almost fell off a cliff in san francisco i was like eight years old yeah and my grab my my father grabbed me at the very last second he's your angel yep yeah there's some cliffs near san francisco there's some little areas we walk like down near the beach that are really kind of sketchy you know there's some there's some areas we could fall down and really fuck yourself up man you could die yeah the whole that whole pacific coast highway is so immensely fucking beautiful but so scary can you ever drive that that that the pch down yeah san francisco whoa was that wild doesn't that make your balls just tingle like

they're crackling like like they have what is that stuff the snap pop rocks remember pop rocks yeah remember that would do to your mouth yeah that's what it makes your balls feel like when you're going around that whole pacific coast highway looking at that fucking cliff that fucking drop that's right there it's right there and it's forever and the ground moves around this bitch all the time it's like you're essentially playing a game of musical chairs you're just hoping you can get from this point to that point where the really thin fucking outcropping that your little metal box is driving around with nothing to stop you from just driving right the fuck off the thing into the ground and the rocks and the ocean. You ever drive it in a storm? Oh, my God, you did?

Yeah. Yeah, I've had situations where it's like the waves are crashing up on it. Eek. I was stone cold sober. It was a sunny day. I was wide awake, and I was still shitting my pants. I was like, this is a crazy drive, man. It's weird to look at.

It's just a mind fuck. It's a mind fuck. It's just a little, you want to die? Or someone's coming at you. You're trusting this other asshole that you don't even know to not be texting right now, to not be fingering himself. You're drunk.

Yeah, drunk. Falling asleep. All of those at once. All of those at once. Everything. A tsunami of bad luck coming your way. And you're in the left-hand lane. You get bumped off into the fucking great blue yonder of the ocean floor.

Fuck, man. That's a crazy way to drive. I like to have less worry about death in my drives. Driving is always scary to me. I mean, just today I was driving, and there was fucking like a sandbag truck overturned or something like that, and there were just sandbags everywhere on the highway out of nowhere. Like you're just driving's just sandbags everywhere in the highway out of nowhere like you're just driving whoa all these sandbags dude i hit a fucking oh one of

those um railroad ties those iron things what are those with the tracks not a tie a track a section of track someone had dropped on the fucking highway i was driving and i saw it last minute i saw this thing and i was like, oh, fuck! Like, I remember gripping with both hands. There was no way I could turn. If I tried to turn, I would have flipped the car. You know, it was just too close. And I hit it and the car launched into the air.

The car went, ba-ba-boom! Jesus. And blew the fucking tires right off the rims. Like, the bolt, I think at least one of them, like, literally was shredded and I drove on rims to the next exit and got out and just called the tow truck and had a doubt with but it was a spooky moment man I hit that fucking thing I saw it last minute I'm like oh fuck that's metal you know it's like that

you know it's like that thing oh my god it's unlucky it didn't you know sometimes when you you drive over something too like you can you can like rip out the bottom of your car you know it could come up and it could go into the bottom of your car you can drop a tranny real easy fuck yeah yeah i always wanted to say that in adult life. Yeah, right? Hey, drop this tranny. In high school, guys would blow their fucking transmission apart doing donuts. It was a common thing. Guys would fuck up their trannies. We'd hear them drive the next day and hear the transmission. Miss fine, clank, clank, clink, clank.

Because guys were doing smoke shows. In San Diego, when I was in high school, there was a street where it was kind of like a san francisco style street where it went down it went pretty steep and then straight for just a bit and then steep again and you could fucking you could get air and you know if you wanted to going down it and so we would intentionally drive fast enough to get the car up into the air and it was like it's the dumbest thing you could do. Most people don't know. But we all got away with it because, you know, everyone just did it a few times. It's the Dukes of Hazzard, I believe.

You didn't keep trying it. Did you ever fuck your car up? Did you ever break anything? No, the one time on another hill, driving with some friends, as a joke, or not as a joke, I just, for whatever reason, I was trying to throw the car into neutral and I threw it into reverse while going you know quickly downhill oh my god the fucking noise that that made was insane oh my god

yeah yeah and i immediately had to just pull the car over and you know get it get it towed and get it fixed you just exploded your transmission yeah yeah just really they shouldn't be able to go there it shouldn't be able to go into reverse i know right that's yeah you shouldn't be able to do that but it was like an old it was like an AMC Hornet oh and it was it was pretty dumb yeah why you're going in for direction isn't there a way to engineer some sort of a way that that doesn't just I think you can't anymore I don't think you are you know new cars can or yeah you have to kind of you move it to the side you know it's almost like a stick shift where you

have to kind of like a medicine bottle of work it into each level or whatever. But I was a kid, teenager. You were a silly little goose. Goofing around. Oh, I did so much silly shit when I was a kid. It's amazing that kids should be allowed to drive cars. Oh, so now when I'm driving around, whenever I get cut off by somebody that looks like they're 15, 16, I'm just like, they're such assholes. like such assholes like also when i was that age i i was an asshole driver but i didn't have all i had was maybe an occasional fast food from the drive-in i didn't have texting you know i didn't

have uh right right you know headphones on or all the you know all the distractions of today and now i can't believe that there's any that there's anywhere in a car that has a you know a tv there's not like a there's not like a limo that there's anywhere in a car that has a TV. That's not like a limo that's being driven by a professional. You know what I mean? Like just even if you have your kids in the backseat watching some shit on TV, wouldn't that be extra distraction that could be dangerous? Or you just like how focused it makes the kids?

The kids zone out. The kids are done. But you definitely don't need a TV up above the rear view mirror. No, that's stupid. Those are ridiculous. You can't see. That's how it is. I rented a car.

I rented a... It was an Escalator or Navigator, one of those. And that's what the TV was. The TV would come down in the center and it would block the view. You couldn't see. You look over your rear view.

You're like in a U-Haul. Yeah, exactly. Do they say only to watch it when you're not in motion? No, you're supposed to watch it in motion because the kids, that's when it tunes them out. But the better ones are on the headsets. And now they have them on the headsets

where you can have, each one is watching a different thing. So they can watch different things. And they have headphones? They have headphones. Yeah, dude. When you have, let me tell you something,

you have a three and a half year old, that's the perfect shit. They just zonk out. No more questions questions it's just uh they watch dora the explorer and they have a good old fucking time so they don't even mind driving you know they don't mind driving because driving for them is like going to the movies they have like cool little dvds they watch and uh they have a good time and the dvds like you can get like little educational ones you know so it's actually good for them. I love it. Make them watch.

There's like your kid can read and shit. Kids are going to be way smarter today than we were. We didn't get access to anything until we were fucking... It's going to be cool in the future. I bet the babies are going to be so smart at such a young age that they're going to be able to drive cars for you. So they're going to be like as a kid being able to just sit there. Brian, your baby's never going to be able to drive for you.

That was a classic Brian misfiring of the mind. they're going to be able to drive cars for you. So they're going to be like, as a kid, being able to just sit there. Brian, your baby's never going to be able to drive for you. That is a classic Brian misfiring of the mind. Well, you didn't think about that at all. No. I'm pretty sure babies out of the womb are just going to drive. You never know. They're going to drive everyone around. Because driving is going to be so easy because it's all going to have magnets around your whole car that they just have to push one button for like on or something.

Brian, you're such a silly man. You're such a silly man. You're such a silly man. Why do you want more babies? I need more drivers. I need more people driving me around that I don't have to teach anything to. You're the first man of a driving baby. And no one would want to have sex with Asians. Yeah, so it would just be a matter of you need life experience,

but you have full intelligence right away. You just need life experience. So we make you work as a driver for the first couple years uh dumber smarter they're going to be in some areas they're going to be dumber because some things are going to become obsolete like you're not going to ever need to know a phone number yeah math maybe but hopefully people well that's that is adaptation right i mean that's what's going on we're adapting to new environment. We're adapting to these new needs. You know, it's unquestionably something is happening. And that something is that we're getting

into a symbiotic relationship with technology. But can you imagine how much space in your brain is available that would 15, 20 years ago be full of phone numbers that you don't need to remember anymore? Don't you remember a lot of different things now? Don't you think that you have a lot of information that you get through the internet that you probably would never get before?

A lot of people, it was difficult for them to be stimulated in the days before the internet. But today, there's not a time in the world where I'm at an airport that has Wi-Fi where I'm bored. Yeah, but you know what? I love the airport Wi-Fi. You know what I'm saying? You can really just sit there. You can either goof around or get stuff done.

But either way, you're killing the time so much better. Yeah, you're enjoying yourself. You're actually having a good time. You're getting entertained. But you are also using it different than some people use the internet. A lot of people just go in there, play cards, and talk about video games. But even then, if you have an hour to kill,

and you're at the airport, you log on to your favorite video game forum, and you find out what the hell is going on. It's entertaining, and then boom. Your time's gone. You listen to podcasts. Hey, come on. It's a very interesting progression

to try to look ahead to. It's like, where the fuck is this going to go next? What is the next symbiotic relationship between human beings and technology? Because the cell phone is pretty much a part of your fucking body. So what's next? Fake people having sex.

You really think it's fake? Actual fake people. Fleshlights that have emotions. It's the fucking singularity man but what's the emotions no you can turn it off the emotions would get people dick hard I do like porn where everybody seems to be having fun

more than porn where people seem to be you know I just watched a horrible porn the other day that was just some people like watching porn where people fight and then they fuck and then when they fuck they like you know get back at each other and then resolve their issues through fucking like people like

those they like videos like that people are actually angry at each other because that's when they have their best sex a lot of people have the the best sex they ever have is makeup sex like there's girls that were like i firmly believe they have learned to start fights so that the man will like step in argue with them for a little bit then they resolve everything they make up they say they love you and then they fuck and they love it and they have like super extra charged fucking so i think they start problems and men and women i'm sure because they like a story that's why women can read a pornographic things and men need to see them exactly women like the story. Women like what leads up to having

that's why foreplay is so important. They like drama. Crazy freaks. They like it to have a beginning, middle and an end and then the end has to go on for longer than we want it to. Have you ever thought what it would be like to be a woman for a day? Of course. I'm pretending.

I'm just kidding. As soon as he hears that microwave with the cantaloupe ding of course brian's life would be not much different he would just be a lesbian no i i i i've said this before when i was younger i would like look at my boobs and act like they were real boobs and then just try to kiss them but you know like that's about as close as to being like but that's the question though if you're but are you a girl for a day who wants cock? Or are you a girl for a day that... You need to go for the whole experience.

You should get fucked, too. I wouldn't want that at all. It would probably be interesting to feel what it would feel like to get fucked, but I couldn't stop thinking about how there's a dick in me. Yeah, and in your mouth, too. Because you're going to have to suck it, too.

No, thanks. Imagine feeling what a period would like be like i'm gonna when i'm a girl for a day i'm gonna convert to being don't they say jewish girls don't don't like to blow no jewish girls love to do it that's crazy oh okay yeah they say that i'll be jewish nonsense and then i'll love it oh god wait isn't there some sort of girls that don't like to blow dudes? Or is that just girls in general? I don't know.

It's just always going to be dudes complaining. Because that's what's fun about porn, that you can't often get a girl that you're just hooking up with or whatever. In porn, they often act like it's the most delicious thing you could have, sucking a cock. I know. And most girls are just sort of like just doing what they got to do to get it over with.

Some girls know. Some girls love dick. You got to find them. You know, it's kind of gross if a girl's sucking your cock and she doesn't want to. Well, I'm not saying doesn't want to. Like wants to please you, but also doesn't think this is the most delicious thing

she's ever had in her mouth. But don't you like eating pussy? Don't you like eating pussy? I do. I love it. But I think I love the pleasing the person or maybe a little sense of control is the most important part than how it tastes and looks and feels. Those are all good too.

But I think that it's more like it's just fun because that's a great way to please a woman. Doug Benson putting it out there, bitches. He'll eat your ass. Doug Benson will eat your ass. He will. How often do you eat ass? Oh, you know. Whenever it's there, whenever the mood is right.

Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Whenever the time is right. Maybe some brunch, maybe some happy hour. Yeah, maybe some after dinner ass eating what does that mean eating ass licking a girl's asshole yeah i don't i don't really you don't like that i love when people when you talk about something they go yeah and then they say no no no yeah i don't do that oh dude it's awesome frenching it that's a no but that's an immediate reaction you know when someone says yeah i don't think so you? No, but that's an immediate reaction. You know, when someone says, yeah, I don't think so.

You know, that's what that Sandusky guy should have said when they asked him, are you attracted to young boys? Yeah, I don't think so. No, instead he's like, he asked me again if I eat a lot of ass. Do you eat a lot of ass? Do I eat a lot of ass? No, I don't eat a lot of ass. That is the world's biggest ass eater.

That's a world champion ass eater. With the stacks of trophies behind him. I don't eat enough. There should totally be trophies for the best ass eating. That's a goddamn adventure. You can get trophies for parasailing. You should get trophies for ass eating. Why not?

Ass eating contest? If the world were free and we weren't so worried about things pornography could be judged on the merits of technique zero percent toilet paper in the ass is always important that's very important toilet paper when you when you go down on a girl and you find toilet paper just dangling off her ass yeah it's so disturbing that's that's probably one of the things that keeps me out of that region. It's just so many ways it could backfire. I stuff it back in so it's not to ruin anything.

I don't want her to be upset. Well, when they get a little stubble, it's like essentially, you know, it's like a little bit of sandpaper. You rub some toilet paper on some sandpaper, you're going to leave some residue. Do you like stuff in your ass no no the way you said that no i'm actually very scared it was like this is the end of a long conversation you like stuff in your ass i'm very scared of my ass i don't know as i grew older it's just

that's good i guess in my meat diet that's good your meat diet yeah how often you eat vegetables i eat them every day, but that's just, I don't know. Dude, what you should do is what I do. I think I have a food allergy. I just need to get on the kale shakes. I'm telling you, it's not delicious. It can't be, but I don't mind eating kale so much. I kind of pick that up every once

in a while, like the whole foods or something. Along with a piece of meat or something. It's not bad, but a shake of that? That's gnar that? Kevin James turned me on to this shit. He started doing it and lost like 80 pounds. What he's doing is essentially he takes cucumbers, kale, celery. This is how I do it. Cucumbers, kale, celery, and I put a chunk of ginger in there too and a whole pear.

See, I don't do the ginger anymore. It drives me crazy. I think I hate ginger. I like that. You should put some ass in there. Yeah, put a little ass in there, me crazy. I think I hate ginger. I like that. You should put some ass in there. Yeah, put a little ass in there, Brian. I like the sting of ginger. I like that.

It's strong. Yeah, it's very spicy, but I like that. It's good for you. So anyway, I blend it all up in this Vitamix thing. You ever see a Vitamix? It's like a mixer designed to pulverize. It's not really juicing because it's just chopping the living fuck out of all these vegetables until it's like a soup.

And then you drink this soup and it's fucking, it's not bad. It doesn't taste bad. It's just sort of a task. And you lose weight because you're just eating pure vegetables and there's nothing bad in it. You feel great. It's a giant serving of vegetables, like much more

vegetables probably than you would ever really eat. I have to force myself to eat most vegetables. You're not going to eat like six giant leaves of kale, ten stalks of celery, a whole cucumber. It's rare that you would eat that many vegetables in one sitting. You could do it, but this is even better because it's completely

taking the whole chewing down process out. So you're digesting it, you're swallowing it. It's just incinerated. Just chopped up into little tiny ass pieces and it's really easily absorbed by your body. And your shit's magnifico.

The shit's become amazing. You're so lubed up too though dude. Your whole system is just, whenever you have a steak later it slides out like a toboggan. Whoop! Whee!

I got a great drink for your Vitamix, Joe. This is a late night drink with some food. Yeah. Vodka, ice, red seedless grapes, like a lot of red seedless grapes, and a little bit, two apples. And it's kind of like grape vodka, but it's got a little bit of a texture to it. It's cool. Wow, I love that. That's a great idea.

So you make a little smoothie? Make a little smoothie, yeah. And if you have any nut, what's that sweetener that's made out of cactus or something like that? If you have any of that, put that in there. Stevia, you mean? Yeah, you can use stevia, too.

Oh, agave. Agave, yeah. I use agave. I heard agave is not so good for you it's I don't why not

I don't know I read that somewhere I need to research that somebody said that agave is not good for you I think like any artificial sweeteners that's

I mean it's not artificial is that a kind of tequila agave it's better than that well I think they make tequila out of it yeah

but it's a plant agave is a plant and it's a real sweet plant and you know that's uh somehow or another they make tequila out of it yeah but it's a plant agave is a plant and it's a real sweet plant and you know that's uh somehow or another they make tequila out of that yeah yeah some process but somehow see that word associated with i made lemonade the other day with it with agave it's really delicious yeah but i was drinking i was like it's probably not so good for you why why no stevia is supposed to be good for you but stevia to me is not like a real sweet taste

it's like a trick sweet. Yeah. It's almost like an aspirin. What was that old shit? Sweet and Low. You remember how Sweet and Low had that funky fucking... It was kind of sweet, but kind of funky. I kind of like it, though, better than any of it.

But the problem I have is they need to have it at more places. Like Starbucks seems like it should have it. Why doesn't Starbucks have stevia? Well, I don't think people... I think it's a taste issue. I don't prefer the taste of it. I think it's probably something you can get used to, but I don't like sweetened things. I don't mind things being not sweet.

You know what I mean? Like coffee, I don't want coffee sweetened. I don't sweeten iced tea. I just drink it. Yeah, I don't put any extra shit into pretty much anything. Really? Yeah. Do you watch your health?

Do you take care of yourself? You know, I go through periods any extra shit into pretty much anything. Really? Yeah. Do you watch your health? Do you take care of yourself? You know, I go through periods that are, you know, I kind of go up and down. I don't think I've ever eaten cake in bed. Never? Uh-uh. I don't think so. What about in the tub? I don't think I've ever eaten food in the tub.

That's the cat in the hat comes back, eats cake in the tub, and it becomes a mess. That motherfucker. Do you paraphrase it that way when you read that to your children? It's my kids' favorite stories. They're fun because I get into them. I get into the cat in the hat ones. They're brilliantly written stuff. Do you have Frog and Toad?

You've got to get them in the Frog and Toad. Okay. That's the best. Remember that? Frog and Toad. Yeah. About a frog and a toad that lived together. Sort of vaguely remember that. Oh, and they're trying to cross the highway, and you have to get them toad. Yeah. About a frog and a toad that lived together. Sort of vaguely remember that.

Oh, and they're trying to cross the highway and you have to get them to the lily pads. No. Oh, that's Frogger. It's weird that a frog would hang with a toad. Yeah, they're different yet so the same. We're lucky frogs are little. Those cunts. You know how evil frogs would be if they were big?

They would just be taking kids right out of your arms. Have you seen big frogs? They're pretty big. I mean big. Like were big. They would just be taking kids right out of your arm. Have you seen big frogs? They're pretty big. I mean big, like real big, like dog-sized. If frogs were huge, they would eat babies. I was about a frog recently. I was researching frogs a long time ago because of licking frogs, and so I got really into frogs.

They have Pac-Man frogs. Have you ever seen Pac-Man frogs? Their mouths open up like a Pac-Man. Frogs are ruthless motherfuckers. They eat mice sometimes. I might have made that up. a Pac-Man. Frogs are ruthless motherfuckers. They eat mice sometimes. I might have made that up. No, they do. Yeah, yeah. How about the fact that...

Frogs eat dogs. Have you ever seen those frogs that eat dogs? Yeah, man. How about the fact that people take frogs and they get high with them? Yeah, that's why I was researching frogs. I was going to buy frogs off eBay a long time ago. It was something like that. You can buy that.

I don't know if they made that frog illegal yet. What is the frog that does it? The frog, it produces 5-MeO-DMT. It's really incredibly potent hallucinogen. And what you do is you take this frog and the skin excretes like some sort of a white milky substance and you do it on a window of a car

so that it's in the sun or anything glass that's outside, like a glass coffee table. You secrete it and then when it on a window of a car so that it's in the sun or anything glass that's outside like a glass coffee table you secrete it and then when it dries off you scrape it with a razor blade and it becomes a white powder you put it in something you freebase it and you blast off welcome to the center of the universe provided by a frog do Do you think that's why at the end of the road there's going to be a bunch of frogs flying on us because we're all going to start tripping off these frogs because there's going to be frogs everywhere

and then we're going to go into this DM tree. That's unlikely. I'm tripping off of how Joe says hallucinogen. Hallucinogen. Hallucinogen. Hallucinogen. That's the correct pronunciation. Hallucinogen is what I'm used to.

Hallucinogen is good as well. It's like nuclear or nuclear. No, those aren't two. You don't have options on that one. Nuclear options? If I said nuclear, would you correct me? It's like often and often. Nuclear.

Coupon and coupon. Nuclear bombs. Nuclear bombs. Nuclear. I don't think I would correct you out loud. I would just assume you're an idiot. No, I just assume you're, you know i just assume you're you know like you hear them both ways so often like of all the dumb things that george bush said and did that one to me was like

well but a lot of people say it the wrong way right so you just get used to it it's just like old expressions that now people say in the wrong the wrong way what about when you know english people write things different they write their correct tires is T-Y-R-E-S. I kept seeing that written in an English magazine. I was like, why the fuck are they writing tires? World is spelled W-R-O-L-D instead of W-O-R-L-D. Really? Yeah, world.

It's pronounced world. Like wrong? Yeah, like wrong. Did you just make that up? I say world and everyone gives me shit. So you make that up? No. It's not spelled W-R-L-D. No. Yeah, I made it up. You make that up? I say world, and everyone gives me shit. So you make that up? No. It's not spelled W-R.

No. Yeah, I made it up. You made that up. You motherfucker. They just said you. Color. They have a U in color. Yeah.

They have that. There's a bunch of different. It's funny. When you're reading tweets, you don't even have to look to see where the person's from when it's got those things in it. Well, they also say cheers, mate. Yeah, yeah. And they always say you're a legend. You're a legend you're a legend mate you're a legend mate i think that's

just you joe yeah because you are a legend no they love that expression they love that expression they love brilliant they love brilliant they say brilliant brilliant is great that's another one they do retard cunt they like to say cunt i like how you publicly announce that when you ban people on Twitter. Like you're like, you are banned. No, blocked. Already blocked. Blocked. But sometimes I'm just kidding.

Like sometimes I'll just take some dumb tweet that Kim Kardashian wrote or something and I'll say blocked. Or I'll, you know, somebody will write something to me that's actually kind of nice and I'll write blocked just to be silly. And I'll write to them and say, I didn't really block you. I just wanted to retweet what you said. But I also, I don't like just retweeting compliments and stuff because I just think that that's oh so you retweet a compliment and say blocked that's funny yeah because it's like then everybody gets a laugh out of it like oh he's such an asshole that guy that said that nice thing you know but I just think that like there's just too much too many

people that just want they're all about getting retweets and begging for them. That's kind of whack, dude, the whole retweet thing. I respond to people as much as I can, but that is kind of whack. Yeah, you're good with people, though. You answer questions and stuff. I just get the same questions all the time. People always ask me – because I follow 420 people. I thought that would be a funny thing on my page that says i follow 420 people

but then also that's like about how many people i want to follow like if there's somebody that that i'm not interested in anymore and i want to add somebody i'll drop somebody and add them i just keep it at 420 oh that's hilarious and then a lot of people get it right away they don't ask to be added because they're like i don't want to ruin your 420 thing dude but i'd love it if you added me or whatever but dude is anybody more connected to the pop movement than you um i don't want to ruin your 420 thing, dude, but I'd love it if you added me or whatever. Dude, is anybody more connected to the pop movement than you? I don't know. I'm not as political as people might want me to be about it. Although I've got some news for you guys that I'd love to share with your listeners slash viewers.

Sure. In Missouri, for 2012, there's a chance of getting outright legalization on the ballot. Really? Yeah. They're skipping over the medical thing. They just need X number of signatures, and it's not that many. They just need a certain number of signatures to get it to happen, and they need the signatures by May. So if you're in Missouri, get a hold of your local normal chapter, N-O-R-M-L.

That's how Brian's always spelled normal. How many? And just make sure you find out where you can go because it has to be physical signatures, which is the most fucked up thing in this computer age. People should be able to sign petitions now on their computer. Yeah, online. And some do.

Like the conservatives get lots of good petitions going online. But to get on the ballot for legalization in Missouri, which I would love, because there's a lot of cities in Missouri that I like, and if I got to go there and know that marijuana was legal, that would be so much fun. Well, you know marijuana is legal in Denver.

Pretty much, yeah. Can't they give you some sort of ticket? They don't. If you're like blowing it on a school yard. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure you're not supposed to be out there publicly drinking, just like you're not supposed to be out there publicly smoking pot. But they do it in Denver. People are pretty chill.

Yeah, they're not stopping people at all. There's a lot of cities, and there's 16 states and Washington, D.C. that are medical, but then a lot of cities, it's been kind of quietly decriminalized in a lot of places. A lot of those states, though, it's really hard to get a license. It's not as easy as California. Oh, yeah, and it's really hard to. The whole dispensary system isn't in place. And that's the problem currently in California is that the feds are, again, threatening to basically close down dispensaries.

And then the question is, well, where are the patients? Because they seem to be okay with patients at this point. Like if you're a medical marijuana patient, you should be able to get it. But where are the patients going to get it if they close down the dispensaries? I guess they're supposed to grow their own or have some sort of co-op. I think the concern from the law enforcement is that there's a lot of profit being made that is not supposed to be, according to the way the law is structured, you're not supposed to be able to profit as much as these people are profiting. But the bottom line is that should be the very last thing that law enforcement is devoting its resources to. You know no one's getting hurt there.

Yeah, it's a waste. So all your attention should be devoted to crime. All your attention should be devoted to reckless drivers, drunk drivers, crime, assaults. And violent crime associated with marijuana would go away if it was legal. Yeah, just leave it alone, and I swear everything will be better.

It's really simple. There's other shit to concentrate on. But I think also that in some cases, just leave it alone and i swear everything will be better it's really simple you know there's there's other shit to concentrate on but i think also uh that in some cases uh places need arrests they need to make arrests and it's a fucking easy collar it's not hard no one's going to shoot you when you're closing down a pot store you know you go there you bring guys who are dressed like they're ready to go to war in afghanistan and they fucking go in there with machine guns and they clear everything out they and they take everything. And it's crazy, man.

You know, the ones that they had in L.A. a few years back, where they had the guys who had Blackwater uniforms on? They were Blackwater guys. They hired mercenaries to go in there and clean up and close down these pot shops. And you're like, what? Those are the weirdest raids. Do you remember that, though?

Do you remember the Blackwater shit? In Super Jaime, we show two different raids. And one of the biggest laughs in the movie is, unfortunately not me speaking, somebody that's just a protester advocate that's hanging outside a place that's being raided yells at the guys as they're walking downstairs with boxes full of marijuana and money, yells at him, go bust a meth lab, you pussies. No shit, right?

No shit. It's so easy. It's an easy collar. It's weak. You know, it's wrong. And I'm sure a lot of the guys that are involved in doing those things, again, they're just following orders.

They're just like, you know, they're not. I get people in law enforcement more and more saying hey to me and winking at me and saying I like your work and stuff. Kissing on the lips. A lot of making out. I just will not. I just draw the line at eating their ass. Don't draw that line, bro.

I got to try it. I just think of asses as being, you know, I just have a very juvenile attitude towards asses. Make them do a stripper shower before. And I don't want anything in my ass, even a nice soft tongue. I always say the cops don't get nearly enough credit, and there's a divide between the citizens and the police that doesn't have to exist.

It's ridiculous. They should be supported, you know, and people support troops, but very few people support cops there's bad cops for sure but it's a small percentage we get to see how how good cops are though because like we're usually in situations where it's it's sort of you know especially you like where you see a lot of law enforcement that's like kind of they're sort of protecting you in you know just being out in public and stuff right i don't really have cops protecting me when i'm out in public no but i mean when you when they see you they're like you're a celebrity to them so you're like well the last thing their cops are going to do is hassle you well that's true but

they you know also when i got pulled over when i wasn't a celebrity i'm polite you you you asked me a question no sir you asked me for my for my license, I give it to you. It's true. You do everything. I'm respectful. Yeah, I've gotten out of a few arrest situations by just being polite. If a cop knows you're legitimately respectful, they appreciate that. Look, man,

that's the fucking job. The job is, we agree. That guy gets the gun and the fucking flashing lights, and you listen to him. Yes sir, no sir, and that means you're a good citizen and you're not trying to fucking cause any trouble and in turn he doesn't you know take advantage of this power that's presented to him by this willingness for people to obey and he doesn't automatically assume that everybody owes it to him and that's the problem with older cops that's the problem these white shirt cunts you see punching people in these occupy wall street crowds. They think they can punch people.

There's ones, and it's not all of them, it's just a small fraction of them, but they feel like they're better than people. They feel like they've been ordering people around. People have been forced to listen to them so long that they have a complex. They've been involved in law enforcement for 30 years and you have to fucking listen to them. They're bullies. They're bullies.

You give people ultimate power you're going to get ultimate corruption we all know that and even though you don't think of that as corruption that is absolutely corruption when that guy that that guy on that white shirt in the video punches that chick in the face that's fucking corruption that is a hundred percent corruption that's all or somebody told me that's not a chick that's actually a very feminine man either way i say it's a chick i say it's a chick dude chick like tendencies very chick like dude and the guy punches him right in the face with a very sloppy overhand right too it's a piss poor technique i really was very very upset with this

you should make a video of you and a protester correctly no no i mean just take that video and then do the play by play like you're like you're doing it for a fight. Who the fuck taught him how to throw that right hand? Yeah, yeah. And for a 102-pound chick, she takes it well. She took it well. It was a weak-ass punch. But, you know, the fact that he thought that he could do that,

I don't care what that person said to him. If someone is yelling at you and calling you names and becoming a problem and you have to arrest them, then you fucking arrest them. You don't have to punch people in the fucking head, you dick. What do you think about the preponderance of taser incidents and uses of tasers everywhere? It's ridiculous. Not just tasers.

How about the flash bombs they're throwing on people? Did you see that shit? That guy was a wounded vet. The whole thing is disgusting. It's really disgusting. It's like these cops are, you know, they're forced every day to go out there and try to combat this ever-growing thing

that shows no signs of weakening. In fact, shows signs of gaining momentum and strength. And that's why all these movements are being taken to try to squash it and try to suppress it. Because they go, well, we got to stop this now. Because right now it's 30,000 people. What the fuck do we do when it's 300,000 people out there? Guess what?

They're going to come through those doors. 300,000 people are going to come through those doors, and they're going to start throwing people out windows. And I don't think they will. I mean, it's not violent. It hasn't been a violent movement so far, but that's what they would do if they had 300,000 people. So if you think of, if you're like Mayor Bloomberg,

or if you're one of these fucking guys that owns some giant hedge fund, and you've made billions of dollars just raping people your whole life, and then all of a sudden you picture what you would do if you were all those people, you would think, those people are going to get me. They're going to come and get me. They're going to storm the gates. Even if they stay nonviolent, these people are never going to accept that because they're always going to assume that human nature is always violent. So they're going to push these people back before it ever gets to a point where they can't control it.

And that's why they're clearing these fucking tents out. That's why they're trying to... I guess they had an old library full of books there, too. Yeah, and they threw all the books away. What the fuck, man? You're throwing books away?

That should be against the law, okay? Right there? That should be a crime. In this day and age of ultimate retardation that we find ourselves in people are so fucking dopey that you're throwing books away god damn man you talk about someone who's not working for the greater good of the people cop that's throwing books away yeah for you know it's the worst and all and all in the name of you in the supposed name of public safety. Oh, it's so gross.

Well, you know that Chase paid the cops $4.6 million, made a huge donation to the cops? Of course. Isn't that ridiculous? Everything behind everything is money now. The money that these people are going to try to defeat Obama, the money, the millions and millions that they're raising, that all it's going to is just trying to win an election? That's just a messed up system. People are starving.

Those millions of dollars could feed people, and instead they're just putting somebody else in charge who's not, you know, because Obama, as much as he seems to try, you know, there's... He's ineffective. Everything's going to be ineffective whoever if he loses if he wins i mean if he wins i think his next four years could be kind of interesting because he'll kind of have a nothing to fucking lose kind of is that true though man

i hope so you know i don't buy that anymore because i just haven't seen any evidence whatsoever that he has any power at all i just i don't i don't necessarily believe it i think they uh there's a whole group of people that have got him into position and once those people sit down with him they explain to him what they would like to get done and that's what gets done and that's why guantanamo bay still open that's why stuff still slips through the cracks like there's no there's no uh money interest that wanted to get rid of don't ask don't tell and he made that happen yeah that's a bone that he threw people you know yeah but that's a you know as bones go it's pretty good yeah it's good that good yeah you know what that means that means that gay people are allowed to become hired killers too yay the fuck kind of advancement is that well but they can you know gay people they

you know it's not it's not that i'm and i'm i'm 100 not anti-soldier whatsoever. I am for the soldiers. What I'm not for is the people that tell the soldiers what to do. Every fucking army needs soldiers. Every nation needs an army. Because guess what? Human nature is what it is. There's a lot of bad fucking people in the world. What makes me sick is when bad people take good soldiers and make them do bad shit.

And they do that for their own good. So it's not that I'm against soldiers. I'm 100% for soldiers. Those are people I understand. What I'm not for is the people that put soldiers in situations where these soldiers think they're doing the right thing because they're following orders. They think they're doing the right thing

because they're going after guys who look like bad guys. But the big question never gets answered. What the fuck are you doing there in the first place? You think you're doing the right gets answered what the fuck are you doing there in the first place you think you're doing the right thing what the fuck are you doing there in the first place are you going to stop another 9-11 those guys are dead they're all dead the guys who did it are dead this is how you stop it you don't don't let that happen again get everybody over here fucking put more soldiers in the street everybody watching stuff more carefully yeah keep keep america safe make soldiers the tsa employees you just you can't deny the economic reasons for going over there you can't deny it i mean in the middle of this

peak oil crisis everybody's freaking out about what happens when we run out of oil is it possible to run out of oil what happens if the the prices skyrocket to the point where we get a massive recession and so that's the the reason why we go over there. We go over there to control the oil. Do we go over there because there's not much left? I mean, what's really going on? Let me know. Do you think that all this is leading up to the protests,

getting the troops back here? All this is just going to lead to something, like a new Hands Across America, a new We Are the World. It already is. We're going to have to go through something like that again. I think it already is, Joe. You're worried about having to go through Hands Across America, a new We Are the World. It already is. We're going to have to go through something like that again. I think it already is there. You're worried about having to go through Hands Across America?

The only thing I'm worried about is the We Are the World parodies that stand-up comics will close their acts with. That's what I'm worried about. Kevin Meaney. You know the Kevin Meaney. I can't even. I remember Hands Across America, but I don't remember if I did it or not.

I don't think it worked, right? It didn't work. It was fake. And they just edited things together. It was like, wow, look how far it goes. All the way to the end. Do you know how many colds were transferred from person to person that way? Yeah, yeah. I don't know if I stood somewhere and held hands with two people on the street somewhere

or not. I think my uncle told me it was him. You'd think I'd remember that if I didn't. Well, that's what we were talking about. Every seven years, you get some shitty files that you have to sort. That's been a while since that happened. I think my uncle told me it was Hands Across America, but we were in the shower. But it shouldn't have caused you that much inconvenience, Brian, as an individual. Yeah, it's not that big a deal, Brian.

I think this is a little bigger than Hands Across America. The worst is the making of it. That's weird that you're in fear of another We Are The World song. That's so not what's going on here. What's going on here is some overthrow the government type shit. That's what's going on here. What's going on here is some overthrow the government type shit. That's what's going on here. What's going on here is people saying, hey, this system right now doesn't fucking work at all. This is the only time in our life that I've ever seen this.

Never seen anything remotely close to it. No, every president in my lifetime has raised taxes at a point where taxes need to be raised. Yeah. It's never been this crazy. It's never been this much discontent. There's never been giant protests all over the world. They have occupied Toronto. Guess what?

Toronto's doing great. They're doing awesome. Yeah, it seems all right. They have a good economy. They don't have nearly the problems with unemployment that we have. They're fucking doing pretty good up there. A lot better than we're doing, man. But people are still like, fuck it.

It's not good enough. Was it the 55, 000 people at rogers center was that the the most people at one ufc event ever yeah yeah that was epic yeah and those those those tickets aren't cheap though the record is actually being held by um i think the i think in japan they've had 90 000 people really yeah i think that's not the biggest they've ever you weren't there at he's 80 no it wasn't the UFC it was pride pride events yeah I'm pretty sure during the peak of mixed martial arts they had something like 80,000 plus people which is really insane me think about it because when we did the UFC it was 55 but then they released an additional 5,000 seats and they sold them too so it turned out to be 60,000.

They had to figure out how many seats they could have and bring in all the equipment because it was a completely different show. It was really stressful for everyone doing it because they had these giant fucking TVs everywhere. So everything is being shown on these 80-foot fucking TVs. I mean, it's a huge place, man. And people were watching it from the hotel.

That's really wild. The back of the Rogers Center has a fucking hotel with windows wide open. And people had rooms where they could look out their window and watch the fight. That's awesome. Fucking awesome. I didn't even see that.

Dude, it's the shit. That place is huge. They play baseball in there, man. I mean, wrap your head around that. Yeah. They play baseball in there, man. I mean, wrap your head around that. Well, is that the only place where they gave us earphones,

they gave us these things that we put in our ears to listen to you call the matches? You can get those anywhere. Everywhere has them. Yeah. That's just the only place anybody's ever walked up to me and said, here, do you want this? They were just giving them out to people for some reason in Toronto. Oh, that's so i listened the whole time i think you should get it with your ticket you know you're paying a fuckload for your ticket anyway they just hand them bitches out when they get in the door that'd be a nice thing

yeah but it's only 10 bucks and you could reuse it at every ufc event yeah yeah yeah i don't i don't know what ended up happening with the one that i had because you know i smoke a lot of pot but you do smoke a lot of pot don't you especially in toronto i smoked it toronto's awesome well do you ever do that pot club where you uh you do yeah yeah you told me about it and then i did it this next time i was there we shouldn't say the name because i don't know how easy it is to get in trouble for that but i don't think it's that easy i. I don't know, but they're awesome. I think it's pretty fucking chill there. I'm pretty sure they have a vote really soon on decriminalization. I think there's something going on. I don't know the exact specifics of the situation with their law,

but it was deemed that the way the law was written, the cannabis laws were unconstitutional, and they only had a certain amount of time to fight that. And they're in the midst of it right now. I'm pretty sure it's going to be decided sometime before the end of the year, before the end of December, I believe. That's cool. Yeah, really interesting.

But their attitude towards it was amazing up there, as is in BC. They just fucking, you know. BC has medical now, too. If you have a California license, you can go to BC. It's good? Yeah, they accept it. I was just there for a for a night and i had i had a blast i love going to canada it's the greatest city in the country canada yeah

canada's the greatest city in our country no the the greatest uh city in canada is um is not you know what there's no bad one i there's it's a toss-up between vancouver like the most fun i've ever had, between Vancouver, Toronto, and Montreal. Those are the three big cities that I've performed at. I would say it's fucking toss up. You know, the only thing in Montreal,

you get people, there's a certain amount of people that don't necessarily speak English that well. it's a little more French. Most people are bilingual, but there's a certain percentage, the girls it is. But also,

yeah, that could affect the reaction a little bit. A little bit. A little bit. It could affect the comedy, because it's the language difference. You get that a little bit. But little bit. A little bit. To your comedy because it's the language difference. You get that a little bit. But damn, those girls are hot.

They talk a little with a French accent. But they have horrible bras, though. Even though they're being mean to you. What? They have horrible bras? Bras. I've been with two of those French-Canadian girls, and they both had really creepy bras.

I think that says more about girls who want to fuck you. I love that. I love that your sampling of two girls is a... That's his gallop poll. Make a statement like that. That's his gallop poll. The two I was with had terrible bras. You never know.

Do countries have things like bras are more important style-wise? Like old woman underwear. Is there a country that has... Did you see any Victoria's Secret when you were there? When chicks want to stay warm, they throw less emphasis on sexy underwear in montreal in the winter man oh son it get cold i i uh used to do the uh old uh i used to do jimbo's uh comedy works in montreal i still do that i did it last time i was there it was a great little small club it only seats like 100 people i used to do it like, way back in the day when I do the Montreal Comedy Festival.

But I walked from my hotel to the club because it was only a few blocks. That's how I got there every day. It was a long time ago. And it was minus 15, minus 16, I think it was, something like that. Jesus. And I walked to the club, and it was ruthlessly painful, dude. It was ruthlessly painful. Like my ears felt like they were going to fall off my head.

You had to have a wool hat. Like you had to have ear covers. It's not like a looks thing. Like you have to have it. Yeah, you have to layer up. And you should wear a ski mask. If you can get a ski mask, you should wear a ski mask because your face gets ripped apart by the cold air. Fuck that noise.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of that. So I guess we just officially decided Vancouver's the best Vancouver's my favorite in the winter time it's just got like Portland weather or Seattle Vancouver's pretty

fucking badass and the cool people are as cool as fuck that is one of the most marijuana influenced cities in the world oh yeah one of the most

the movie that I was in the union the business of getting high have you ever watched that it's all my friend Adam Scorgi did it and it's all about the economy in Vancouver

and how much of it is based around marijuana and how insane it is, and the American laws and all the horseshit that goes on with legalization. But it's a great documentary on how ridiculous the whole scenario is, the fact that it's illegal in the first place. We should vaporize while we talk about this.

You think that thing's ready to roll? How long could it possibly take? But it's flashing red light. Has it been flashing the whole time? Is it supposed to be solid when it's ready? I don't want to say the name of this product because I don't want to give this guy a bad review because he seems like a real nice guy. Isn't the red light...

Let's try and see if it works. I'm going to try it real quick. Give it a shot. So tomorrow we have a Death Squad comedy show at the Pasadena Ice House. I'll be there. Doug will be there. We'll be doing a podcast beforehand. So the podcast starts 8 p.m.

P.S. Pacific. So it's going to be the same deal where people can watch it live? Yeah, they can watch it live. And we're going to have John reap uh little esther um yoshi wait is this a comedy show or a video game it's a comedy show i like that video game where little esther and yoshi try to get into that castle yeah uh that asshole joe is trying to allegedly do you think it works?

yeah it works I'd like to try it it looks kind of like sucking a cock though and you know I'm against that well sort of you are do you usually use vaporizers? or what's your I don't have any usual

I have a myriad of ways to uh to get thc into my system i i had a lollipop in the car on the way over here oh you animal you fucking savage those are good and then you know and then people always have joints around that you smoke and i'm not a joint roller myself i'm not uh i don't have those skills i make so easy i make apples into pipes whenever I'm in hotels because they always have them in the lobby. But don't you feel like you're getting a lot of the butane from the lighter in your mouth?

Don't you taste that shit when you inhale it? Through an apple? Anytime you use anything, we have to light the weed. We light the weed over and over again. The thing about joints is you light it once, and you can light it with a match. Yeah, that's a good point. But with joints, it's almost become more like a social thing for me like i never just sit and

smoke a joint by myself and and you don't get you know you don't get big hits off of it i like i like you know that's why i like uh you don't get big hits you're such a fucking stoner just like you know like people give you a little pin or joint or something i'm like oh that's fun to pretend we're smoking a little tiny joint yeah yeah yeah but even but you know i'd rather have a blunt than a joint and a pipe over you know and then bong you know bongs really like i hit them so rarely now that they really knock me on my ass yeah you know and like especially like somebody puts some like fucking hash oil in there or something because i'm really getting used to just smoking vaporizer in my apartment and you know and and and doing a lot of edibles so my smoking game is coming coming down you know like my smoking game yeah bongs will show you

glitches in the matrix if you have bongs you'll have like moments where the same exact thing is repeated a second later what what there was this house that i lived in where uh in college i lived with seven girls and it was a two story house it kind of it was like just like the real world and we made a bong out of pcp that went from the first story c or p yeah whatever what i said is a pcp bro bro we're fucking crazy man we made fucking pipes out of Angel Doss. And it went to the second floor. It was like so huge. And there was one guy

that could clear the whole thing. You don't have to press anything. Just hit it. Just hit it. Just hit it. Okay. Just hit it like it's a... Like it's a bongo, son.

Doesn't feel like it's doing anything. Is it clouding up? It doesn't seem. Damn, he sounds like Is it clouding up? It doesn't seem. Damn, he sounds like a teapot. I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my little one. It worked? That was real good.

Really? Powerful professional stoner. All right. That's right. Professional stoner. Doug Benson approves of this device. Yeah. That seemed like a pretty good hit.

What do you know about this nonsense that the ATF is going to stop people from getting new firearms if you were a medical marijuana patient now? Have you heard this? I've heard stuff to that effect, and that sounds pretty nutty. It sounds nutty, but it also doesn't hit me at home

because I'm not a firearms guy. Well, I understand that. For me, I have guns. I wish everybody that had guns was high. Yeah, exactly. Because you'd think more about your fellow man before you pull the trigger. It's disgusting. It's disgusting.

I hate that when people kind of paint this idea that pot can somehow... I mean, I guess there's some people that can make kind of crazy, but for the most part, it doesn't make you have visions or do things that you, like with alcohol, where you do things that you wouldn't do if you weren't drunk. Right. We doesn't really have that. I mean, being forgetful or something. You know what I mean?

Like, behind the wheel of a car how many people you know are like when they're high and driving they're maniacs and they're and dangerous and you know more of a threat no that's the old joke you know the cop pulls you over do you know why i pulled you over you're going three miles an hour you're not you're parked but even then you know like every once in a while like i i've been trying to write down lately every time I do something stupid when I'm not high. I'm not high like maybe an hour out of every day, so it's a small window. Is that the way that you do your taxes? Yeah.

Yeah, I could do my taxes high too. I mean, I used to. Now I have an accountant. Doesn't it freak you out though? It does, but you double check it. This is your tax to the overload. It's like when you're high and you're leaving a hotel room. You pace around the room three or four times

to make sure you got all of your items and then one time out of five you left something behind and you're just going to have to buy it again. Check your pocket for $20 and buy a new iPhone adapter

at the airport. Power adapter. I lose it every time I leave the house. But it's more than $20 those things. They're pricey. They're like $100.

Are they really? Yeah. But what I did was I bought An iPhone power adapter is $100? Or no, for a laptop. yeah they're pricey they're like 100 bucks are they really yeah but what i did was an iphone power adapters 100 bucks or no uh you know for the for a laptop for laptop adapters oh you know those ones with the big white square okay and uh but those things i you know lost lost a couple over the years and then i just finally got wise and bought two and I travel with one and have one at home. Yeah, I do the same thing

At least when I get back home, it's there and I'm ready to go. I was so confused I thought you guys were talking about iPhone adapters my how the fuck are they charge a hundred bucks? Those are like 30 bucks though. Yeah, yeah Apple just released a recall on power adapters and it's funny It's about time they did something about this because I've seen this on both my power adapters and it's funny it's about time they did something about this because i've seen this on both my power adapters for laptops and iphones where that cord kind of comes out of the the plug have you seen that oh yeah yeah yeah and so finally they're recalling it right now but the new ones are much more sturdy yeah i've seen the new ones though they're like

way sturdy yeah yeah technology man it's adapting that seems to be the fucking bottleneck though it's battery life the real battery battery life you know you have to be connected to power you know real battery life is just not substantial there's more power everywhere now yeah but but the the real question is will there ever be some sort of an infinite battery source or some sort of an amazing battery source where shit lasts forever we'll be able to print power yeah i mean how can you do that though how is something storing power you know it would have to be like you have to be solar or something yeah something like that but i'm i'm pretty cool with how it is i don't i don't get caught off guard by my computer you know running out of look i'm i'm amazed that it works at all. You know, I mean, the whole device is incredible.

Especially, I know a lot of people, I had a conversation with this very intelligent lady, but she was talking to me about Windows and she only uses Windows. And the reason why she only uses Windows is because she doesn't like being told what form she buys her computers in.

She wants to be able to pick her own parts and different things. And I understand that. But the rational part of me goes, yeah, but Macs don't have viruses, and they work better. Done. That conversation's over. Yeah, I would rather anybody.

But the reason why they work so good is because there's not a billion different douchebags making these computers with all these different parts, and then the operating system has to figure out how the the drivers to each individual device work and i just think windows is a shitty operating system it used to be good and then they went to like you know xp was what is it at now windows 8 is it seven seven yeah and i just think it's shitty like i don't like it i like osx and then when it comes to most things you buy for your computer nowadays everything everything's USB, FireWire. You don't have to have – like what are you really doing?

Look, if you didn't have a computer, Windows would be awesome. If somebody gave you a Windows 7 computer in 1995, you would shoot a load all over your keyboard. You would be so excited. Yeah. But things have changed drastically on the Mac side. I felt that way about Pong at one point. Totally. I remember

you couldn't believe you were actually controlling that white line you were controlling movement on a screen and it's fun to get good at it that was another one I was good at Pong? yeah real good at it the one where you play against the machine or whatever I was great at that really?

this is pre-stoner days too right? that was the one I was really good at my parents parents used to go to a, yeah, way pre-Stoner days. My parents used to go to a bar at a golf course that was also a restaurant. So they'd hang out there and, you know, they'd just bring me along or whatever. And they had like that. It was almost like my babysitter was playing with the fucking Pong machine while my parents had some cocktails. And I got so good at that. And also you used to be able to get free games on Pong by the metal thing in the front that you put the quarters into, the slot.

If you rubbed your feet on the ground on carpeting and built up static electricity and then had like a piece of metal in your hand like a quarter you could tap it just right and it would throw credits on the onto the machine what yeah yeah i did it all the time i've like that is crazy my life i've always found all these weird scams that eventually like not only do they not save you a whole lot in the first place just 25 cents but they also over time become you know become worthless but it's it's weird little skills you pick up just to cheat the – Like the skee-ball scam where you just bend over and put it in the 50 and you just keep on getting those tickets. You put it in the 50?

Yeah. Oh, you bend over instead of throwing it? Yeah, you just put it in there. That's weird. Why would you want those tickets? You really want a stuffed animal that bad? Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, it takes so many tickets to win anything of value.

There was always one, like a beatbox, like a, you know. Yeah, you can't help but feel like you got fucked. A ghetto blaster that we'd call the day. And yeah, you can't save up to get that many tickets. A million tickets for this one. Yeah, you're thinking about how much money you spent, how much time of your life has gone rolling a stupid ball. Oh, all the things

i've done that take time like the amount of time i've spent playing poker the amount of time i've spent watching dumb movies how are you a road poker player do you go to casinos when you do the road just when i'm in a gambling town or yeah like where i don't i don't seek out casinos everywhere i go because a lot of places have them now because of Indian grounds or because they're on a boat on the river. But I only go if I'm playing the casino or live across the street from it. That's part of what I love about going to see UFC in Vegas is it gets me away from the tables for like five hours. Really? Yeah, because I'll just sit and play and play and play.

I love it, but it's such a waste of time. But also, at this point in my life, the thrill of winning a hand isn't really the same because I don't need the money as bad. Right. Back when I was playing, when I was like, I could pay for rent next month if I win this hand. It was a lot more exciting. Well, Ari Shaffir, at one point in time,

was winning more money playing poker than he was making it doing comedy for he's a good he's a good player i only played like we were in the same table in one tournament once i think but i i i got a vibe off of him like he really knows what he's doing because i still there's still things that professional poker players could could teach me that i could stand to learn, but I'm just too lazy to learn all the kind of calculations you should be making during each hand, like exactly how much to bet and all that stuff. I'm just more like, you know, just goofing around.

You're just having fun. You're not trying to be the best poker player in the world. No, but I'm also trying to win through just playing like an asshole. Do you ever play chess? I did, you know did when I was younger. I haven't in a long time. That's a great obsession game. That game can drive people deep into the hole.

Yeah, you could spend a lot of time on that. Yeah, you can go crazy. You can really go mad playing chess because for certain people, it absorbs their every day. They'll be walking down the street, and they'll be thinking about moves. It starts getting to a point where you know you you see a direct result between the more concentrated you are the the more you concentrate on the more you focus on it the more you start winning and the better you get at playing chess and then you just go you get lost then you're

crazy yeah see that's what i don't do that's what i don't do in poker is i don't like sit there and evaluate how everyone else is playing and what their personalities are and what he did on that hand and then what he did on the next hand. I'm just playing in the moment, and I know good cards when I see them or when I have a good chance of drawing a winning hand, and I just sort of play like that. I did a movie once, and the guy who was renting out the house, you want to shoot a movie in a house, you're you can rent someone's house like people offer him for rent and this guy was a professional chess player and um so you know a lot of down times during a movie so i'd go hang out with this guy and talk to him try to figure out what he was doing and he was

playing chess online you know with all these different people and he was like some super fucking master chess player so it was uh it was fascinating that he's got this giant community of apparently you could just get chess games like any time of the day any time of the night online whatever level you're at you know and there's people from all over the world that will play chess with you you know it's the same thing with scrabble really people are fucking nuts with the scrabble or what's that oh they play a scrabble computer game like where they're playing against people all over the place so you can do it anytime you want. That's part of what I love about

Twitter is if I am up in the middle of the night and not asleep for some reason because I've got to go to the airport or whatever I can't sleep it's so great that the fact that it's international once you get a certain number of followers you can like, you know, I'm sure some people go on Twitter and they're pissed because nobody that they follow is saying anything or writing back to them.

But it's just so – it's such a 24-hour source of – Yeah, it's like a chat room. Yeah, where you don't have to chat with people. You can just read what people are saying and pick and choose what you want to respond to. The 24-hour aspect is really interesting when you're flying, when you're in England or Europe or something like that. Yeah. The times are all screwed up and weird,

but you can constantly be tweeting. Yeah, and you can kind of like, it kind of replaces texting all your friends about what you're doing. Yeah. You just send a tweet. That's not going to wake somebody up. You don't want to text, oh, I'm at Buckingham Palace. They're trying to sleep and the phone's going off.

It's a good way to like, I use it as like a texting device. When I think somebody might not be awake, I just write to them a direct message on Twitter instead of texting them. Oh, do you really? I don't check those enough. Yeah, I know. You're really slow to get back on those. Yeah, sometimes I don't check them for weeks. And some people, it's funny when you write direct messages to people,

sometimes they just don't even know that that's a thing that can happen. I do that with a voicemail now. I don't ever listen to my voicemails. And it's probably the dumbest thing ever, but that, to me, is just annoying. I went to one guy's. One guy tweeted me. One guy tweeted me. It was like, it's a shame.

Whose fucking phone is on? That was me. Sooner or later, that would wake a person up was like, it's a shame. Whose fucking phone is on? That was me. See what I mean? That would wake a person up. Yeah, that's brutal. Why don't you have that bitch on vibrate? He's not used to doing podcasts. One guy tweeted me.

One guy tweeted me something. It was on vibrate. It wasn't me. It was? Yeah, see, that's vibrate. Shit's broken, son. Yeah, it's got a weird quirk to it. It's because you don't have a case on it.

You dropped that bitch. Tell the truth. No? I've done pretty good at not dropping it. It's my baby, you know? I don't drop it. This guy tweeted me, you know, it's a shame that you can't reply

and say something for help the troops. It was, like, really weird. Like, phonetically all fucked up. And it was all caps to help the troops it was like really weird like phonetically all fucked up and it was all caps to sit to support the troops exclamation point exclamation point one one one and it was like it was and then i go wow what the fuck did i like this guy expects me to reply this i have a half a million twitter followers dude sometimes i don't look at it all day i don't there's no way i can respond to everybody it It's impossible. I do. So then I thought, you're awesome. Every single person.

You're absolutely awesome. You write the letter. Not every single person, but quite a few. I go to his Twitter page, and that's the same message he sent to literally a thousand people. Oh, yeah. You go look at any time somebody writes something to you that you're wondering about their personality or whatever. You can go and see everything else they've written. I love doing that. This is a robot probably. I hate it

when it's like, if it says at Doug Benson, at Joe Rogan, at Red Band, some shit, and it's like, well, no, that's what happens. That's what happens. It's fine when it's my actual friends are thrown in there like we all have common interests. But when somebody just throws in

random, you know, in random you know like you know princess so and so juniors ass well that's just that's just a name his ass will now be tweeting you tonight i guarantee you or like people write snoop dogg and doug benson you guys you know something something about pot that they think we both need to know but when they just throw in like when it's just to me and kim kardashian and you know brian williams from nbc news or whatever like some weird combination of you know on the on the fringe celebrity uh it's it's such a turnoff it makes you want to just not respond to them and then you go look at their page and they're just randomly picking names and that's how they do a lot of, there's a lot of spam now on Twitter.

If you, you know, as soon as you get a message that seems like an ad, and then you check their page, and it's just sending that same thing. I've talked about this already on the podcast, so in the interest of brevity, I got hacked.

Like, I sent up for some, I must have clicked on some link to get some Twitter picture or something like that. And somehow or another, they tweeted from my account about some contest for an iPad 2. And I was following them all of a sudden. I was like, wow, this is amazing. They hacked into my Twitter account. Apparently, it was probably some red tape or some fine print, rather, when you agree to accept some Twitter application.

It happens every day. Not every day, but pretty frequently, I'll see one of my more famous friends or people I follow just because I'm curious about them. Tweeting something. They'll tweet something odd or something that seems like an ad, and then the next tweet is

like oh shit i got hacked you know did you see when ashton kutcher was tweeting that oh my god that was ridiculous about paterno being fired yeah because he didn't all he knew all he all he reacted to and i'm sure that's what a lot of people reacted to was just hearing that this amazing coach got fired just very suddenly and he didn't stop to think wow that big of a move like why would penn state follow fire a guy so suddenly if something really terrible didn't happen but he still went on and tweeted oh man that's a bummer or something like that or we love you joe pa i would take a shower with him. Yeah, yeah. And then... That's the other guy. But then he did, I guess, kind of a good thing to spin it. He retweeted every person that wrote to him,

you're an asshole, you're an idiot. And he just write in each one something like, yeah, I'm sorry, I just didn't know all the facts. He sort of responded to a lot of people and showed a lot of the vitriol that was happening. You mean a staff at Foxconn responded to it? It seemed like something he really did. There's a whole factory of people responding to actual culture on Twitter.

Can you imagine? He has all these Chinese workers. The ones they use in World of Warcraft to build up your energy. They send your account overseas and some Chinese guy plays with it until he fucking starves to death. And they just copy his case. And push his body aside and throw some new student onto the block. I'm not cynical enough to think that Ashton didn't do it himself. Because it all happened in such real time.

Right. He just has so many people that I can't believe it. It seems to me that when you're a celebrity that's involved in a public scandal like he has, like this most latest one it seems interesting that he's tweeting people at all you know it's like you wouldn't you would think if you're gonna you're gonna read any of the replies you know you're gonna get a lot of people that are gonna ask you a bunch of questions you don't want to answer like do you really want to just go out there and interconnect with people but i guess he does it's well that's the amazing

thing is it's like you know how important is it to try to feel like you're getting your side of it out when you think you're misunderstood? At a certain point in time, a lot of people's Twitters become very impersonal. When the numbers get too big, it seems like people take less chances. They say less things that are controversial.

Oh, yeah, because you don't want a million people writing back to you that you shouldn't have used a certain slur or something when you were trying to the joke was how inappropriate what you're writing is like i'll sometimes if i think it's something really dark i'll just i'll just uh you know drop it in the middle of the night because a lot of stuff just gets sort of lost in the twitterverse you know like nobody's sitting most people don't sit and read every single thing written by every single person they follow that because a lot of people follow a thousand people so you're just in this kind of rushing stream of comments and sometimes they'll

land on you because they you know they like you more than other people they follow or whatever but sometimes they'll also like anything that looks like you're just promoting a gig they might just breeze past it. Every time I play a town, like the day after on Twitter, someone will write to me, when are you coming to? And it's that town I was just in and had just been tweeting about. But it's just you can't expect everybody to see everything. It's hard to think that you're going to communicate. I mean, you've got to hope that your Twitter is interesting enough that people are going to lock on to it, you know, and you're going to hope that you build some sort of a community there,

and then they're going to be able to follow you on your website or follow you at your shows or look through your tweets to find out where you're at. Or, you know, do you have a little schedule on your Twitter page? So if you go to your Twitter page, you can see what the upcoming dates are. I have a link to a site where I've got all my dates. But what do you guys think about this new business they have on there with all the activity following?

Activity following? I like it. You haven't clicked on that yet? There's a word activity now on the top of your page. And if you click on it, you see just a list of everything, everybody you follow, what they're up to, who they've retweeted, who they're following. It's ridiculous.

It's just too much information. And it tells you, you get to find out now as soon as somebody follows you. Do you do that? Yeah, I saw that. That's cool. Because that's kind of interesting. That's by default, I believe. Because then you can, if you're just sitting there looking at it and it comes up that somebody

just started following you, it's kind of cool to just immediately send them some sort of, hey, welcome, hope you like it kind of message. Especially if she's got big tits. Well, dude, yeah. Tell me what you do. How do you work it, Doug Benson? It's 2 o'clock in the morning. Here's the scenario. You're alone. Stoned to the gills.

And you're just checking out Twitter and some really ridiculously hot suicide girl starts following weird tattoos, just starts following you. You know, I might write back and say, you know, hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Hello, or whatever. Is that what you do?

Just reach out. Just reach out. Just reach out to somebody and see what happens. Just a little hi. Just a little hey, what's up? Nothing incriminating. Nothing creepy. Yeah, and then often what will come back is,

I can't direct message you because you don't follow me. And my next direct message says, the system works. And then you see how different people handle it different ways. Some people get pissed off right away and don't want to deal with somebody where their half of the conversation is public but your half is is private but you know what else am i going to do you know i i'm not on twitter to have conversations with other people in front of all all of my followers because so why don't you unless you're fucking with them it's not interesting to read why don't

you just follow them for a little while and then unfollow yeah yes you can do that precious 420 number i love my 420 but no then i'll i really will play a game where if there's somebody that i want to follow i will add them and then go through the list and see who's gonna go it's usually somebody that i followed that just ultimately is their tweets haven't been that interesting because they're like you know i i follow it's crazy super famous people just because i i think it could be interesting and some i cling to like i i love uh following alec baldwin i think he's really You know, I follow crazy super famous people just because I think it could be interesting. And some I cling to. Like, I love following Alec Baldwin.

I think he's really entertaining. Yeah? Yeah. I don't follow him. But I gave up on Kutcher. I followed Kutcher for a while and then stopped. That's for me. Me too.

I stopped a long time ago. Me too. Why? Because he just tweets a lot. And for a while there was just a lot of back and forth with Demi Moore that was just kind of like they were being way too cute like the whole time you're like this relationship is not going to last they're putting way too much effort into pretending or not pretending maybe actually being in love with each other but they just won't shut up about it how can you maintain that as a couple pda on twitter is gross what if she's a lesbian and he's like her beard no i think they probably fucked.

I think they had creepy weird sex where Bruce came in and licked Ashton's asshole. What? Stuff like that. Brian, you just ruined everything. You just ruined everything with your nonsense. Bruce is really mad at Ashton now because Ashton's supposedly having affairs. Yeah. Oh, so now they don't talk.

Uncle Bruce is going to kick him out. But that's the funny thing. TV viewers instantly forgive the whole thing about him having affairs. But that show, the ratings might have come down a little bit from the jumping out in favor of Joe Pa. Really? At the wrong moment. Yeah, because that's what's amazing to me about the whole Penn State story is just that that is only one notch above the worst thing a person could do probably. It's right there.

It's right there. And I don't even want to think about what's below it. disgusted by it but some there still managed to be some people that that are just you know defending in some weird way you know the the people that were involved in the story yeah you can't you know i was saying how weird it is the guy's name was officer or it was uh mcqueary the guy who uh found him and in the hotel room together which that that whole thing now is falling apart his story is not matching what what supposedly happened at the time and which guy mcquarrie yeah he's saying now that he what he did go to police officers and then they and then they proceeded to you know not follow through because because initially he's just sick of getting all this shit about people

saying that he just went to joppa and he didn't go to the cops so he but now he's saying he did oh my god but he testified you know because this guy's gone through you know people had to testify That he just went to Joppa and he didn't go to the cops. So he did go to the cops. But now he's saying he did. Oh, my God. But he testified, you know, because this guy's gone through, you know, people had to testify for and against Sandusky before on earlier charges. Yeah, this is crazy. And so at that time, supposedly the report was that he didn't speak to any cops, and now he's saying he did. was that he didn't speak to any cops and now he's saying he did so it's it's it's one of those complicated horrifying stories that we it may never end in our lifetimes it may just go on and

on and on just because getting to the bottom of everything that happened like i heard someone tell someone else a theory that that i heard that is just absolutely mortifying. You know this guy Sandusky worked with a children's charity? And those were the kids he was bringing to the games. And they show pictures of him leaning on these kids and they've got little football helmets on. It's crazy that he was showering with them at all. The kids and him, neither one of them are playing in a game.

So why do they even need... What's the pretense for being in the showers yeah like right right there the guys how guilty could he be you know like i don't care if he put it if he actually had sex with him he's just setting up that scenario makes him a creep that shouldn't be allowed to do that yeah and with kids with these disenfranchised these kids that are poor and you know and from foster homes or whatever the you know this this charity he's he's got these extra vulnerable kids he's doing these things too and it's probably probably being taken to a football game is the most amazing thing that's ever happened to them and they also don't necessarily understand the implication the implications of what he's doing to them when he physically attacks them.

Are those photos real of his house being in the same, like the backyard of an elementary school? Have you seen that? I'm not surprised. I mean, I know they're... It shows an elementary school and a little bit of woods and then a house. Supposedly, I don't know if it was just a joke, but supposedly that's his house on the other

side of this little woods. I'm thinking that woods is probably that scene in Human Centipede where they go and find this house in the middle on the other side of this little woods and i'm thinking like that woods is probably like that scene in like human centipede where like they go and find this house in the middle of the other side of the woods and there's like a creepy guy that lives in there and molests kids like come to you know you probably like sneaks through the forest and spies on kids at the elementary school and it's just like this creepy rape force we all just start talking and just go it's hilarious yeah when you're fucking high you just start talking about something because i never even got to my point which was that which was that you know there's a lot of rich people that also pump money into this charity

because this guy told him to and so this one law enforcement officer who i think probably has a good idea about these things suggested the notion that this guy was grooming kids for boosters to fool around with. Oh, my God. Like there was a whole ring of that. Like he had a whole, yeah, like he had a whole system. That's a possibility. Oh, my God.

Like this thing is going to get so twisted and deep and horrifying. Jesus Christ. It's amazing that he got away with it as long as he did. The only way he got away with it for 19 years, 20 years, whatever the fuck it was, is if people knew and didn't say anything. Period. It was the institution.

It was everyone afraid of losing their jobs, losing the game, losing their everything. It's so important to them. They rioted when he got fired. You saw the riots, right? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. they were ashton kutcher ashton kutcher would have flipped a car over if he was there because the story just got quickly more and more horrifying but they just reacted immediately that he was fired yeah well as soon as he was like well also how also for him

to come out and say this is horrible i going to finish out the season and then retire. His first move should have been, I'm out of here. I'm going to retire and I fucked up. But saying, I'm going to finish out the season, that gave everyone this hope that they were going to have a great championship season and then worry about this later. And so then when they turned around and really ended up being fired or resigned or whatever, however it went down,

that's when they started flipping shit over. If this story was in a book, it would be too fantastic. It'd be like, this is too crazy. This is not something that can happen. No, it's like a Stephen King book. Yeah, it is, really. It really is.

It really is. You would think there's no way that could happen for this long. There's no way I could go on for 20 years and he could just keep getting away with it and keep mining these. The children have such shame and confusion by the incident that they never tell anyone.

How many guys, how many kids? It's always kids. It's also kids, like most of this stuff happens with kids that are familiar with the person that attacks them. It's never, it's rarely an abject stranger who gets in their life and quickly does something horrible. Yeah, we actually spent a good deal of time

talking about this in the podcast last night, or last time, about how there were some emails back and forth from some priests where they actually talked about getting boys from troubled homes, getting boys who don't have good connections to their family, they don't have anyone to count on, get them. They go after them and groom them.

Yeah. Some dark shit, man. Yeah, so this Sandusky guy is just, and like we were making fun of earlier, his side of the story talking to Bob Costas was ridiculous. It was scary. Bob Costas is so good at those interviews too. I just wish he would have said

why did you need to shower at all? Yeah, that's a good question. Why is no one asking that? That's ridiculous. That's a really good question. But he did press him pretty hard. He did. I think everybody assumes that guy fucks kids. I think everybody's assuming that. But they have to be careful in how they proceed

with questioning him. No, that, but they have to be careful in how they proceed with questioning him. I think, but because... No, that's what they're saying. They're saying that he did this radio interview to spin the court of public opinion. That's ridiculous. You know, but I think it just made it worse on him. Way, way, way, way worse. Way worse.

Way worse. Because he went into it with the hubris and the confidence of thinking that as long as I just go in there and deny it at least some people might believe me yes but then saying just being such a creep and saying like i just love being around children no the answer is no i would never do that to a child yeah that's the answer isn't there parents that are going to try to murder him now i'm sure oh yeah no that's the thing that right? I think not only is the media outside his house now, I think that's another crazy thing. Letting him go on bail is ridiculous. I mean, certainly in jail,

I don't think they cheat child predators very well. They don't. You have to isolate that guy. But isolate him in a jail, like letting him go on bail, I don't get that at all. I think that guy's going to ice himself. He might ice himself or get out of the country.

And his access to kids and showers have to be limited at least to a couple hours a week or something like that. Access to kids and showers. He can't do it daily. Shit! Yeah, because that was what happened to him the first time around was they took away his key to the showers. What?

What? Yeah. They took away his key to the showers. That's what the school did. Really? Because the first time it happened, they believed him when he said it was just horseplay. There was no...

So he had to only do hot tubs after that or something.ubs after that oh my god yeah he had to find a new venue well he takes him to hotel rooms that's what he does he brought kids with him on the road they were staying with him i that's it's just such an amazing such an amazing cover like i always i always joke around on stage about how wouldn't it be funny if I did all I've done to create this idea that I'm a pot comic and it turns out I'm a cop and at all my shows everybody gets arrested? That's funny.

You know, like a giant sting operation. A lot of people in the pot movement are probably undercover cops. You think? Yeah, there was one that died in a motorcycle accident and he would meet at this uh it was like a normal chapter one of those groups you know and uh he was uh a local guy and he was in this this group and uh died in a motorcycle accident turned out he was a cop and he was

undercover the entire time or maybe just enjoying himself i don't think so i think that was his job i think it's that's what it came there's a lot of advocates that don't smoke. Of course. Yeah. Which is an interesting, like those people are like saints to me. Like why go to all this trouble for something that you're not doing?

But they see the big picture. Yeah, it's a freedom issue. The main issue is why would anybody be able to tell you what you can't do? Someone telling you that you can't get high is absolutely nuts. It's crazy.

It's like if you were, I always say if you're on an island with two people and one person said listen man i don't want you getting high you get high i'm gonna put you in a cage you'd be like i'm gonna have to kill this guy guy wants to lock me in a fucking cage if i get high that's ridiculous yeah so any behavior that i want to do like if he said you can't you know yeah you can't have sex with a cantaloupe and if there's four people and i mean it's just as ridiculous if there's a four million people it's just as ridiculous it's ridiculous for one person to tell you what you can and can't do with your body that's not going to affect other people it's not an issue where you're ruining the fucking environment it's not an issue where you're damaging the the civilization you're not doing anything well you're doing it wrong then

you're doing it wrong for sure. Where are you at this weekend? You're going to do the Sunday show at the San Jose Improv. San Jose Improv. Your shows are sold out already, right? Yeah, they're sold out. Yeah, yeah. I got one show. I got one show at 4.20 in the afternoon on Sunday, San Jose Improv.

That is ridiculous. Boy, you are sticking to a meme. Yeah. You're going to cling to that motherfucker. Do you like the show early in the afternoon? It's so much. Well, you know, you got to play clubs where it's so much it's so much well you know you gotta play clubs

where they don't have a lot of windows you know so it still looks like a nightclub or whatever right still got the same vibe but I've had really good time because you know

I'm done for the night I'm off for the rest of the night at 6 p.m. right when I do those it's cool and I get to actually go out and enjoy these cities

that I visit all the time and never see because I'm in the stupid comedy club all night. Not to say that that's not also a great way to make a living. And you just do them on Sundays? But Saturdays and Sundays. And some cities I'll come in and I'll do both days. Coming up at the Sacramento Punchline, Martin Luther King weekend, I'm going to do a show on 420 Saturday, 420 Sunday, 420 Monday. I just hang out there all weekend have my you know

nights free you know there's a lot of like-minded people in sacramento shazam yeah i see what you're saying it's a fun place so that's a really smart thing to do man so you you sort of reorganize the weekend you take a spot where it wasn't ordinarily open you open it for you and you can do it in comedy clubs the only people that show up are the ones that I told about the show through my podcast or through Twitter. And so the crowds are great. We play that game that I play on the podcast, the Leonard Maltin game. We play that with audience members in my opening act, and it's a blast.

Oh, really? Yeah, people from the audience come up and challenge whoever I brought with me on the road for that particular gig. And it's super fun. And they're awake. 4.20 in the afternoon. Yeah, and you know what, though? Except in Denver.

Both times I did it in Denver, somebody managed to get drunk. But everywhere else, they're sober. They may be a few beers in or whatever, but they're not that kind of trash that you see when you do shows at night, especially in a town where there's some sports thing in the afternoon and they've been drinking since then so they come to your show and they're you know they're pre-drunk before they even start drinking their two drink minimum so is that how you're doing all your shows now you're doing all not all of them i also do like i'll go into a club and just be there on a night they're normally closed like sunday, Monday, or Tuesday.

Like I'm doing the Fort Lauderdale Improv on Monday, December 11th, and the West Palm Improv on Tuesday, December 12th. And they're both huge clubs. They're really nice, but they're huge. So every time I play there, normally if I have to do two or three shows,'m just not gonna every show is gonna have a lot of empty seats right but if i just go in and do one on a night when they're not even normally open hopefully everybody that's you know into me and has the night available will you know come check it out yeah that improv is gigantic i think it's 600 plus seats right isn't it it's a palace yeah that's a that's a big goddamn place. You know, when you think about how many shows you're doing, two shows on a Friday night and 600 seats, holy shit, man.

That's a goddamn theater show. That's a theater show. It's hard to get that many people to come to it. And it's not really a comedy club anymore. Whoa, you're dying. Oh, my God. What happened to your voice? That's the new impression.

You killed my father. This is his mafia Doug Benson. Hey, I, uh. Hey, everybody. Hey, everybody. I've got a native. Come on. My eyes are watering.

I think this podcast is pretty much over. What do you think? Yeah, sure, since I can't talk anymore. Is that really your voice now? For like a minute or two, I just like, you know. Wow, you're serious. You know how you choke on air sometimes? Yeah.

Wow. Yeah, because I was on one of those tirades where i wouldn't take a breath you want water or something i got i got water okay you're okay damn i never seen anybody like that before fall apart i mean you're okay i mean i can tweet about it i haven't fallen apart just vocally fall apart i'm trying to pull it back faster than i normally would but yeah so what that shit sucks when did you start doing this you don't do any weekends anymore you don't do like a regular weekend at a club uh some every once in a while but for the most part it's kind of a smaller club that i you don't do that i really like you don't do midnight

saturday shows do you ever do those that's ridiculous three shows in one night yeah like that's the other thing i like about doing the 420 shows or or even eight o'clock but it's the only show i love doing one show yeah like comics i'd like to go from club to club to club you don't like to do that well you have a you like to like you have a big chunk you do it what do you do like an hour or so what do you do like i do 45 of stand-up and then an extra 15 or 20 of you know playing the game and fucking around with the crowd yeah and that's pretty much all people want to see and then you're done you feel like you did it you don't want to redo it yeah it's weird it's weird you know it's not a movie where they just

started up again and it's the same thing again well the real problem with second shows is sometimes i'll be in the middle of a second show, and I'll go, did I do this bit yet? Because I can't remember, because I've gone through a whole show, and now I'm in the second show again. When you're on stage, you're pretty much in this zone. And I'm in the zone, and I'm like, I'm in the zone, but I've been in the zone for a long time. But did I do that earlier?

I don't know if I did that joke. Holy shit. And then you panic. You're like, was that the first show or is it the second show? Should I try this? And then you go into it and you're like, Oh my God.

You kind of have your, your bits tend to be, you know, on the, on the longer end. Like you don't really, you don't really bring up things that are super brief. So in my case,

if it's a really short joke, right. It gets a big laugh when I say it again. Cause everyone like oh he's high he said it again you don't ever play up the fact you're high i heard about people doing like fake shots i'm like man you can't do fake shots that's that's terrible no but yeah if the intention is to like hey everybody I'm doing a shot. But if I tell the staff, send me up fake shots if people offer to buy me one. Because I hate, you can't say no when a shot comes up to you. Unless you're like, if you go, I'm an alcoholic or something. Right. If you go, I'm six years sober, I'm not going to do it.

Right. But with my act and the fact that I've already got a cocktail up there, they'll send me up shots. And, you know, sometimes I'll do them and I'm fine with it. But a lot of times... You reserve the right to drink fake shots. Yeah, well, and, you know, it just gets it over with if you just drink a fake shot. And now I'm telling everybody, yeah, I'll never do it again.

Yeah, people are going to know now. No, the secret's out. You've ruined your game, son. But once, you know what I mean? If you do the shot quickly, it's over with. But if you stand there and act like you're not going to do it, then people start chanting and make a big thing out out of it now all the people that went to shows before are going to think back at the times you threw a shot back and screamed yeehaw and jumped

up and down act like god damn and meanwhile it was just water i don't act it too i don't act it too big i just i just pretend to drink it because even when i normally drink a shot i usually don't make a lot of noise gets on top of the stool, bring me a fucking glass of tequila. And it's just a glass of water and he drinks it. Hit it!

And I do a whole song and dance number. Throws the glass against the wall. Fucking cunts! Pours it on his tits. Woo! All that and we find out

you're just stone cold sober drinking water putting on a show. The fuck? I'd have to say that it's probably happened maybe four times in my entire career i've never because the combination of me saying to the staff send me up a fake shot combined with somebody wanting to send me up a shot because it doesn't happen every

show because i'm not so what happens to the money laundering going on here where because the fake shot is not worth anything they're charging someone for a shot. Yeah, well, regular shots. Some money laundering. Regular shots barely worth the price of... But doesn't it seem like there's some money that's unaccounted for there? Yeah. Yeah, I think so.

Money laundering. I think it's... Okay, that shit's illegal. Well, let me tell you how I balance it out in the rest of my years as a comic, is when people, when I'm at the bar in a comedy club and somebody offers to buy me a drink, I always turn it down and say, I get,

the club gives me free drinks and I don't want you to buy one. And then a lot of times they go, well, I want to buy you one anyway. Like it becomes important to do something for you, which I appreciate that. But it's frustrating to have, you know,

that kind of argument with somebody, you know, like, no, don't spend your money. Please don't spend your money. To people that have, you know that kind of argument with somebody you know like yeah no don't spend your money please don't spend your money to people that have you know i don't know they have a chance to meet you for the first time it's important to them i understand but i'll still i'll stand right there and talk to them i don't say i don't want you drink and run away they want to give you something you know it's a gesture well that's why i never turn down weed when people give

me weed really yeah You trust it all? You don't ever think, man, I could be smoking. We've had this conversation before. You're on the more paranoid end of the whole weed thing that I am. I've never looked at weed and been like, oh my God, I'm not taking that. That looks like... Yeah, I just think it's such a crapshoot. I mean, let's say I've probably smoked from strangers, either a bud they gave me or some sort of joint. It must be in the thousands at this point.

Wow. So nothing's happened yet. So the odds seem incredibly good that I'll get through a few more years of it. Dude, I'm so happy for you. I'm glad. I'm glad you pulled through it. Yeah. It's dangerous, though, man.

It's great. Do you ever worry about- What's dangerous? Provocateurs, perhaps cops posing as stoners want to get high with you why would they go to that kind of trouble because you you're a voice of the movement people respect you what drives me crazy is when they pull over when they pull over willie nelson's tour bus that seems like that's really and get him for pot come on yeah come on yeah find something else or just leave him alone but he's in trouble for that you know they were letting him off the hook but then uh they they

you know someone get offended the fact that he uh is uh above the law above the law yeah so you know some idiot got offended yeah the whole thing's so crazy thing to get mad about who is this guy well texas man you don't understand texas oh well a lot of places i don't understand texas is a real tricky one. There's some big cities, and then there's some fucking people that live in a time warp. You know, you got Dallas, you got Houston, you got Austin, you got San Antonio.

You know, you got some cool cities. And then on top of that, you got these weird spots in between the cities that go on forever and ever, and they're massive. There's so much room in Texas, man. It's a country. You know, Texas, man. It's a country. It really is. It's a giant-ass fucking state.

But boy, do I love that Austin, though. Oh, it's the best. That's one of my favorite cities of anywhere. Yeah, of all time. And that's where I'm going to do, you know that Cap City Club you played there? Oh, yeah, love that place. I'm going to do, not only am I doing 420 shows,

I'm combining my other thing that I love to do now, which is podcasts. And at 420 on Thanksgiving weekend, on Saturday and Sunday, I'm doing two different tapings of my podcast that I'll then be able to turn around and put out on the internet. Because that's another thing I don't like about,

I love about stand-up comedy, the fact that it's just you and the audience and no one else uh hears it but thanks to podcasting i'm feeling i want to get more stuff out to people right now so this is a great opportunity for me to you know show up in a town and instead of doing stand-up i do the podcast so you're saying that you can't put your stand-up on the internet well you can't you know how i am going to do a thing coming up soon i think my next album is going to be two discs one is me like i'll wake up the day of the shows and i won't smoke pot all day maybe even stop the day before or something and just be crazy super sober for the first recording, and then between the first show and the second show, smoke as much weed and do as much edibles as I can,

and then try to do the exact same set again. Try to do the album again, and then people can listen to both and see the good and the bad. Like lose your conclusion one and two. Yeah. Lose your conclusion? Is that Guns N' Roses?

Yeah, yeah. But with Doug Benson? Yeah, yeah. With Doug Benson? I like that. Baked and unbaked or stoned and unstoned or something like that. What did Guns N' Roses do? Lose your illusion. Was it two versions of it or was it just two different albums? It was two completely different albums.

Brian was just having fun. He's a silly boy. Yeah, he just says things. This motherfucker. So you'll sell uh one or the other is that one you'll release no no you buy both you buy a double album you buy them both oh okay and i also dream of a day where i can do a tour where like you know how pearl jam sold like every night of a tour on on cd that one time and then bootlegs obviously happen to everybody all the time but i'd like to make my own bootleg and and just make like do a tour of 10 cities and and the same act essentially that

whatever i'm doing at that time and then uh record it in each place and you can buy you can buy more than one if you want to see the differences or you can just buy the one from the city you're from we've here from a city you think will be funny to hear me interacting with people of that city. That's a funny idea. They have a bunch of different recordings to choose from. Some comics used to sell recordings of the show that you just went to. Yeah.

They'd sell like CDs. And a club or two has tried to kind of toy with that sort of idea. You've got to burn a lot of goddamn CDs, though. But it also doesn't, it only appeals to the drunkest audience members that yelled out the dumbest shit. You know, it's kind of a weird thing to say, here, buy what just happened.

Right. But that's what I'm doing with podcasts. Like, I do podcasts where people were there live, and then they listened to it later. And then you collect their email address, and you go, here, I'm going to send you a link to where you can buy this for five bucks you have your podcast set up where some of them are free

some of them aren't there's a weekly free one and then there's bonus free ones that I do where I record like if I'm in a rental car with another comic I'll just record an episode of the show while we're driving and so I put those up pretty frequently and then like once or twice a month

usually once a month i'll have a episode that's two dollars in the comedy album section of itunes which is a fun place to be and to be that cheap because like right now one of mine is like number one because it's only two dollars and all the album all the albums behind it cost like eight bucks damn so you get a nice cool you get a nice placement for a little while. And then it falls pretty fast because people will buy it later, but most people buy it right away or shortly after it becomes available. And the money's okay.

I will ask you off air how much the money is. Well, I don't know if it's just a different route. Vines throwing gang signs at me. It's a different route that I've gone Instead of having actual advertisers But I am not against Having advertisers I just haven't found the right match

I just got the ones That every other podcast has And I did those for a while And I just felt like If I listened to a bunch of podcasts If I had to always hear about Audible books Every podcast I listened to But what about 1-800 flowers doug i never did that one but yeah i or adam and eve or whatever i wouldn't want to hear about the same thing all over the place yeah i

think each show should have its own thing unfortunately for me movie studios can't really support me because i trash movies and i can't get like a movie theater chain to support me because people go see movies at the theater near their house do you ever feel like confined I trash movies, and I can't get a movie theater chain to support me because people go see movies at the theater near their house. Do you ever feel confined by the theme of your podcast? The movie thing? Yeah. Well, I would if I were you, and your interest in the amount of movies you see

is so far fewer than what I do, so I could see where that could be limiting. Do you see a movie every day? But why would you choose that? No, but I don't mean that. I mean just you. But if you were in a comic and you worked in UFC like you do, do you think you'd be able to find

ongoing satisfaction just talking about UFC as a podcast? Yeah, sure, definitely. Yeah, so that's how much I love movies is just that I could talk on and on and on about it. But if I just had to do just a UFC podcast every week, I'd feel a little defined by it. You would.

Because you've got so many other areas that you're interested in. But I'm saying somebody who's just really, that's their main focus. Because for me, growing up, my main focus was just movies. Really? I wanted to watch them and be in them, and that's all I cared about. Do you write scripts or anything? TV, too, of course. Yeah, a little bit, but I've grown really.

That's the good and bad of podcasting is it's allowed me to talk about and participate in what I want to do without ever having to sit by myself and write. Oh, I see. Like the process of just sitting and writing something while the outcome is very satisfying. Like right now I'm working on a book and it's torture for me to sit down and write a chapter of my book.

Why is that? Because just sitting there by myself writing is just not, it's no fun to me. I want to always have a TV on or listening to something or watching something, going out and doing something. Go to Starbucks. What is that? Yeah, exactly. Is that an ADD thing?

That's what those guys are. That's what they are. It's like I do enjoy sometimes sitting in a Whole Foods or something and getting work done on my computer. Yeah, Whole Foods is awesome. Because it's fun to have all that weird stimuli around you, but you can still just kind of look at what you're doing and then just look up whenever anything interesting happens. It gives you ideas, too, when you're looking around. Well, and it's certainly, if you have your Twitter handy, it's like, you know, you see something stupid happen.

Especially when you're baked to the gills. Yeah. Oh, we've got to wrap this bitch up. But that's the thing. I do like, thank God I do have the marijuana. Not God, but you know what I mean. Jesus. Yes.

Thank Jesus I have marijuana have the marijuana not god but you know what i mean jesus uh yes thank jesus i have i have marijuana because that does help to make writing less boring and frustrating doug benson thinks writing is boring thank you doug thanks for being on the podcast doug benson follow him on twitter d-o-u-g-b-e-n-s-o-n son benson bitches respect and uh follow the Death Squad on iTunes. Thank you to the Fleshlight. If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for the Fleshlight and enter in the code name Rogan, you get

15% off your new girlfriend. Don't forget. Fuck those things. Use it, abuse it, and follow what Doug's instructions are. Thank you to Onnit.com. O-N-N-I-T, makers of Alpha Brain, the cognitive enhancement supplement.

And thank you to also New Mood, the other new thing that they got, and Shroom Tech, which is the athletic performance enhancing supplement that's legal. The Chinese Olympic team used it. It's a cordyceps mushroom supplement that's legal. The Chinese Olympic team used it. It's a cordyceps mushroom supplement that's really good for

it gives you like a little boost of extra endurance when you're in heavy duty hardcore training and you're working out hard. So that's onnit.com O-N-N-I-T and if you go to rogan.net and click on the link for the fleshlight and enter in the code name, no not the fleshlight

click on the link for O-N-n-i-t on it.com the alpha brain link you know what i'm talking about bitches click on that shit put in my name and save some money or don't do whatever you want man i'm not fucking telling you what to do doug benson are you telling anybody what to do no no sir no sir we might smoke too pot too much pot before this podcast. Just a little bit. Before? A little bit. In the middle of it, too? In the middle of it, maybe. And Doug will be joining us tomorrow on the 8-Minute Turn Corner.

Yeah, Doug will be joining us tomorrow. Tomorrow we're going to be doing the Ice House. Tomorrow we're at the Ice House in Pasadena. The second stage, you want to go to stage two. It's a small place. It's only 85 seats. It's probably going to sell out. I'm going to be high-end drunk for that. I haven't even tweeted it yet, but we're going to tweet it right after we get off this

podcast. But they're awesome shows. We do them there as much as possible. The last time we did it, it was a packed house, and this time we got John Reap, we got Benson, Little Esther, Yoshi, and a secret surprise guest.

It's going to be a big, fat, fucking chilled out party. So enjoy. So thank you to everybody and we'll see you dirty bitches tomorrow. Thank you.