The Joe Rogan Experience - #1586 - Tony Hinchcliffe

Episode Date: December 30, 2020

Tony Hinchcliffe is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actor. He's also the co-host, along with Brian Redban, of the podcast and live-streaming YouTube show Kill Tony.

the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day he is the one of the hottest up-and-coming stand-up comics in the world you might know him from the kill tony podcast or numerous other things. Please welcome Tony Hinchcliffe. Yeah. That's my attempt at an intro. I'm going to do that for every episode. Just introduce the people while they're right there

so they have to look at me. Make a weird, uncomfortable moment. You can do the radio voice and I just leave the logo on. Hey, I can. Very nice. All right. Ladies and gentlemen. Yes. Radio voice. Ladies and gentlemen. Yes.

Radio voice. Do you guys have sound in your headphones? You don't hear anything? Not really. It's like... Oh, crank the volume up. See the volume? Two, two, two, two, two.

Okay. There it is. Yeah, there was some weird crackling, so we had to monkey with some things. Make it happen. Hey, buddy. How you doing? Hey, good to be here. Welcome to Texas. You're here. Dude, we need to have a celebratory adult beverage.

Okay. You said okay like you're about to get punched in the arm. Texas whiskey. Here we go again. Come on, bro. You're living here now. It's very exciting. Transition. Dude, it's begun. Salute.

Here we go. Woo! So many things are happening, ladies and gentlemen That we can't totally talk about yet But things are moving We got pieces in play We got a lot of stuff happening for stand-up comedy Here in Austin, Texas It's on the way, kids

Woo Very exciting stuff. So exciting. Yeah. So Tim Dillon, he's in. You're in. Segura's in. Segura, poor Segura.

Did you see Segura broke his fucking arm? Yeah, what happened? And blew his knee out. I don't even get it. Dunking. Him and Burt were playing basketball, getting real competitive, and he was dunking. Blew his patella tendon out, which is the huge tendon in the front of your knee that connects your kneecap and then on his way down fell and snapped his arm in half it's crazy that that would happen arm obese guys dunking

basketballs how dare you how dare you when i mean look at the look how swollen that's just not even swollen that's just fat above his elbow there. So rude. So, so rude. I mean, these guys are huge. Look at that arm. That arm is fucked up. That is a giant scar. That is entire length from his elbow all the way to his shoulder. So they open you up like a fish, and then they have to put plates and shit in there and screws.

Yikes. Crazy. This is why I don't do any of that physical stuff stick to golf well that was the last draw for you they closed golf in la gone how'd they close golf i know how can they close golf there's that makes zero sense there's no way anybody's caught it out there it's impossible you're outside you're not anywhere near anybody yep you literally they're over way the fuck over there even the people that you play with those people naturally you're going to be at least 10 feet away from them the whole time

there's other solutions that aren't going to cripple the economy too like these goddamn rapid tests are available they're available tonight at the show that you and i are doing with chapelle and donald rawlings they're going to test everyone in the whole audience. That's 300 fucking people. You're telling me you can't do that at a golf course? How come we did it here? How come we just did it here? We did it with the security guys.

We did it with everybody except Jamie. Well, Jamie even did it. Jamie found out he's got the nice antibodies. Nice. You can spit in Jamie's mouth. He ain't going to catch it. Really? Let's try it.

He said that sounded so gay that's the way i sounded all the time with everything but it's like really let's try it like the beginning of a porno no hesitation yeah so um yeah i mean they're i don't understand their strategy I don't understand why they think this is okay to do. I don't get it. I really don't. There's a difference in the mentality there in L.A. about the disease. It's that they're treating it like it's a monster, whereas out here they're treating it like it's a disease. Out here they're treating it like it's a bad flu.

Out here they're treating it like it's a bad flu. They're treating it like what the statistics and what the data shows. It's not good if you catch it. It's not good. But if you're young and you're healthy and you take care of yourself, and then the deaths are much lower than they've been before because they know how to treat it better. The treatments are available. They're better.

I just don't think it's something I want to catch. I don't think it's something i want to catch i don't think it's something that you should catch it's not good i think you should take precautions but you can do that and still open up businesses and you got to give people the opportunity to do what they want to do you got to give people the the chance to make up their own mind make up their own decisions and for whatever reason la does not want to do that 100 it's so it's so shocking what's going on there. And, you know, from some of my own research, which is crazy. You do research? I'm the one researching it, yeah.

You do in science? A little bit. I get stoned and go to the CDC website and look into these things. And one of the main things is that it's not even hitting the areas that are completely closed. LA County is so spread, they're closing the whole thing. But so many of the cases are coming east of downtown and east of where we work and live so often. And 70 to 80 percent of the cases in LA are Latino people. And nobody's talking about it.

And no one's talking directly to them about... I was just typing LA County and this was just popping up. An alarming shift. Latinos getting coronavirus at more than double the rate of whites in LA County. By the way, thank you KTLA for not saying Latinx people. Do you know who fucking hates Latinx more than anybody? Latinos. They do not like that shit.

What is that? It's some new nonsense woke horse shit where they're trying to non-gender because it's like Latino, Latina. They're trying to take away gender from Latin people, so they're calling it Latinx. Oh, boy. It's a part of the language.

It's a part of Spanish. There's a way to say male and female in Spanish. Latina, Latino. I mean, this is a part of their fucking culture, and they're trying to erase it with wokeness. I wonder, I think there's probably a bunch of factors, but some of them is that A lot of Latino folks tend to live with their families

They tend to have a lot of people under one roof And then on top of that I would imagine It's a vitamin D thing as well Because folks with darker skin Just in general Are more protected From sunlight

They're more protected from the dangers of sunlight, right, because of melanin. But because of that, it's more difficult for their body to produce vitamin D. My friend Moshe, when he was a doctor in New York, he said that he would detect, they would do tests on black folks there, and they would have undetectable levels of vitamin D. He said some of them like literally you couldn't detect the level it was that low you know he's telling these people like you have to take vitamin d it's like it's very important because look it's fantastic to have dark skin if you live in africa it protects you from you know you and i would be fucked right or you know would really

be fucked it's like santino he'd be fucked he would would burst into flames. I'll tan up. I'll tan up pretty good. Every single time I get to my vitiligo spots, I'll tan up pretty good. But Santino, like Louis C. Gay, he'll burst right into flames. Oh, yeah. Yeah, those guys are fucked. But, you know, dark folks have no problem with it.

I mean, their body's protected because of the melanin. But that melanin also prevents you from absorbing vitamin D at the same rate. Like, when you see a really white guy, like from Scotland or something like that, the reason why they're so fucking pale is that over generation after generation, their bodies have evolved to be like a fucking,

like a solar panel for vitamin D. Right. You know, they're just all white. Yeah. That's what it is. I mean, that's literally why their skin is that color. It's just a vitamin D thing. Crazy.

Yeah. So crazy. So for Latino folks, you know, tend to be on the darker side. It's probably like for white folks, it's a real issue. Particularly for white folks who don't go outside. But for Latino folks, it's probably a big issue. But it's just funny to me because no one's talking to them directly. When the governor Newsom gives his briefings and all this, and even that, I feel

like that's the first article I've ever seen about anything. And there it is almost probably recent, but it's been this way the entire time. And also those numbers, the percentage of the people that have gotten it in la those numbers are also the ones that they know for sure are latino or latina or latinx or whatever don't say it don't say it but if you look underneath that there's a large number of unknown and those unknowns my guess is mostly latino and latina because how would you not know what ethnicity they are you know what i mean maybe they don't give that information because they don't want to say or want to maybe they're illegal you really are doing research look at you you're looking for correlating factors the first month of this thing i was trying to figure out the cure man

messing with mixing things up. No one's been more desperate than stand-ups looking to get on stage. Do you remember when you were starting out, when you were like an open-miker, and you'd go to a show, like an open-mic night, and hoping you'd get up, and maybe you couldn't, and you'd see people get up, and some of them would do well, and some of them wouldn't, and you'd be sitting there just dying to get up. Do you remember that feeling?

Oh, yeah. It's a crazy feeling. Yeah. I never let go of that. Absolutely. Those were, I mean, bicycle trips and bus rides and everything. I mean, those were crazy, crazy days. Sometimes we would wait out.

I have very clear memories of me, Jamar, Gerard, all of us waiting out on the sidewalk during the daytime. I mean, the sun beating down on us. We'd have to wait outside of the improv Tuesdays at like 4 p.m. And we would wait two hours. That's how you got on the 6 p.m. open mic was just by waiting outside. Is Jamar the most shredded stand-up comic ever? Yeah.

He might be. And somehow or another, he pulls it off like it goes on stage with no shirt on just jacked and jacked and shredded yeah and accessories go well with him a giant chain a mohawk for no reason clues that mohawk isn't he taking an amateur fight i think so yeah did he do it already do you know i think so i don't know what happened though i'm not sure i did a show he looks like he fucked some people up yeah yeah for sure i did a show in his uh living room no yeah he did he started doing a living room show i mean you want

to talk about the shadiest super spreader thing that i've done during this whole time he asked me and you know we've been friends for what 13 years and he never asks for anything but he wanted me to do this show i agreed to it it was one of those ones where i forgot that i had it he's like hey you still coming i'm like in my place in the afternoon i'm like yeah man i sent the address what time is this like it was like an afternoon thing it was like four to six or something how many people were in the audience it was coming up i'm not gonna put it online because it's got his address on it. Oh, okay.

Apartment Show Jammers. He put that on Instagram? Yeah. Oh, well, put his Instagram. This dumb motherfucker is crazy enough to put his Instagram online. But look, he's got a- Don't show everybody his address. No.

He's got a pretty legit line up there. Okay, we're going to have to hide it because this will be a disaster, Jamar. I mean, in his apartment, by the way. This already happened. This already happened. This was last weekend. Well, it doesn't matter. People are going to be banging on the door.

When's the next show, man? I can't even read his handwriting. You can read that? No. How do you read that? That is the worst lineup sheet I've ever seen. First of all, he writes like he's an English scholar from the 1400s. Like, look at his handwriting.

He's writing with long cursives, like the J's and the H's. They all, like, dip real low. I was looking for a picture, but the rest of it he just put up art. I don't know if he makes it all or not. There's a picture of him right there. Oh, you want a picture of him shirtless with the shirt or uh the mohawk or something there's one bam look at him shredded there he is i mean that's the gayest hat of all time did that look not on him though yeah on anybody else on me for sure like he's fucking that dude's mouth he grabbed that giant head he's fucking his mouth

but it was so much fun ended up just roasting his tiny little apartment i mean there's people sitting on his bed against the wall facing you sitting on the couch sitting against the walls my guess is 2025 in this tiny room hey that's a good set that's a good set in the or like 20 there's something about there it is the show that's a good set. That's a good set. In the OR. Like 20. There's something about. There it is. The Barbie show. That's hilarious. There it is.

Look at the people just crammed together in the corner. Oh my God. Imagine the fucking people that are his neighbors going, what is Jamar doing? What is this? Yeah. That is hilarious. That is a fucking hilarious show. That was one of the things I said.

For a guy with the last name neighbors neighbors he sure is bad at being one i roasted the shit out of him that's hilarious he kept going because he was sitting next to me when i was doing it i just kept making fun of him making fun of his place making fun of him and he goes get off me me, man. Get off me. I go, get off you. What am I? An overweight white chick? So much fun. There's those bonds, man, that, uh, that you have with people like that, especially people like that that you remember being in line with that you know didn't have a car for years that you, I mean, what? Where's Gerard at? Where's's he been i haven't seen him

in forever he kind of stopped doing stand-up pre-pandemic he came on the show when he did that special he produced that special for drew what is his name michael yeah i think drew lynch drew michael the one that he did on HBO with no audience at all which is a very odd choice but when I talked to him he said he hadn't done stand up in a year and I was like I don't know that seems crazy to me like for a guy who's that good

yeah wild he was one of the guys that pushed all of us you know him and Angelo Bowers who was killed in a car accident a couple years into our careers. But those two guys, and I'm sure you had this probably when you started. It's like those were the two guys that would kill the next day with new stuff that they didn't have the day before. We all knew what each other was writing and working on and everything because we were all so different.

And we would see each other because we were stuck performing in front of each other that's how it starts and uh he was so so brilliant it's interesting that you know i don't know these these guys like getting into other things i just can't imagine it well it's sometimes the thing that makes them brilliant is like they're brilliant because they have amazing amounts of enthusiasm about something that's new. And so then that something that's new is not new anymore. Then it's something they've become accustomed to. Stand-up comedy is a weird art form. You really don't get good for like 10 years.

10 years in is when you really start getting good. I mean, you can be funny like two years in, 10 years in is like when you really start getting good you know i mean you you can be funny like two years in three years in you could be funny but i mean to have a real like crafted set a solid set it takes a long fucking time and some people don't enjoy the grind of it and then they'll do other things like sure you know gerard's very talented very smart. Like he can do a lot of different things if he chooses to. So I think he probably got interested in other things. You know, I mean, I know he's doing television and film and just probably just interested in just different ways to express creativity. Like sometimes some people just get they don't like one way. Like they'll just start painting.

You know, I don't I don't want to do this anymore. I want to play music. I want to fucking make sculpture. Like people are, you know, and there's a purity in that, right? Like you don't just want to do what's getting you the most attention or what's getting you the most positive reinforcement. You really want to do what you feel like doing. That's like real artistic expression. You really want to do what you feel like doing.

That's like real artistic expression. But most of us, when you find something that you start getting some success at, especially something like stand-up comedy that's so difficult to get good at, that once you start getting good at it, you just say, this is what I do. I'm just going to keep doing this. Like I don't draw at all anymore. And I used to draw all the time. I very rarely draw.

But when I was a kid, it was my life. Like, I was always drawing. You know, I don't have other real artistic expressions. Right. You know, just stand up and that's it. Yeah. But for a guy like Gerard, maybe not good enough. Huh.

Like, Bobcat Goldthwait started directing movies. Yeah you ever see willow creek no dude willow creek is probably the best bigfoot movie ever made wow and it's a bobcat goldthwait movie you know what else he directed my favorite comedy movie of all time windy city heat oh did he direct that yeah you know what else he directs shakes the clown the alcoholic clown movie or he starred in it did he direct it i'm not what else he directs shakes the clown the alcoholic clown movie or he starred in it did he direct it i'm not sure if he directed it he's a guy that had a an interesting career because he started out as a character almost like emo phillips-esque not i mean different than emo phillips but you know emo is emo is this guy and bobcat was this guy like, ah! Right.

I remember him very clearly when I was a kid. Yeah. So much, so weird, so much energy. Yeah. But did he direct it? Yeah. He did. Yeah.

Which is, it's a wild fucking movie, man. That's a wild movie. Shakes the Clown. Alcoholic clown movie. Wow. Never seen that. It's funny, dude. You would like it.

But he made a conscious decision i'm not doing that character anymore and he would go and do stand-up but people get mad at him like hey man how can we not screaming he's like uh that's not really me i don't really scream it's like a character i developed fucking scream it's good yeah and he's like no no, I'm not doing it anymore. Fuck you! Wow. It's like, you know who's unbelievably awesome is Gilbert Gottfried. That's Gilbert, though. Yeah. He's not a character. Like, he seems like a character, but it's just kind of Gilbert at 10.

Yep, exactly. Yeah. And what's funny is that the few times that I've worked with him, or like when he did Kill Tony once in New York as a surprise guest, which was so awesome he and on the tv tapings for shows that I wrote on that he was on uh he comes in at two and you're sort of concerned you know what I mean yeah oh is he is he sort of tired today this and that and all that and it gives me the chills thinking about it like how when he when it's showtime and he gets here's

that crowd and goes in front of the lights he just all the way not even 10 he's at you know 30 all the way kills yeah he's uh that guy's a legend yeah gilbert goffrey's a legit comedy legend is he still in new york city during all this crazy shit i'm sure he is yeah has he caught the the covid yet i don't think so how do you live in new york city stacked on top of people and not catch it man it's crazy but they also seem to have uh really hunkered down and sort of sort of you know done a good job at closing it in i think they got the shit scared out of them in the beginning because they were sort of embarrassed right because new york was the first one to really get it. Well, you know, it's a lot of those nursing home cases.

Yep. That's a horrific story, man. Again, people don't even talk about this. It's so bizarre. It's almost like a mini genocide, what they did. Well, they didn't know any better or they didn't know what to do. What's weird is when Cuomo goes on CNN and talks to his brother, they don't even bring it up.

Creepy. I'm going to tell you, I'm a proud Italian guy, and I can't stand those two guys. I mean, I really, really, truly dislike them, the Cuomo brothers. And I hate that people like them. Oh, but they're chemistry. They they're good together it makes me mad what makes you mad about it they just are such fake phony freaking just it just exudes fakeness to me well if you have to be if you're gonna be on cnn there's a certain amount of what you do that's coordinated and programmed.

It's just how it is. There's just a certain amount of it. But it seems like Andrew, over time, is having a hard time dealing with questions and shit. Andrew's a big fucking guy. Because Chris is like six two chris is the one i dislike the most yeah well you know you you know about him going out with the coronavirus and all that or not having it or whatever he did well he went to look at property that he was developing and some guy yelled at him you're supposed to be quarantining he's like fuck you they got into it on the live show he's in his basement he got well that was fake yeah yeah like i'm finally coming out of the basement for the first time but in his defense that is what

they would ask you to do they would make you do something like that if you want to work at cnn like if you want to work forget cnn if you want to work at CNN. Like, if you want to work... Forget CNN. If you want to work on a television show and they know that this is an opportunity to film you coming out of the basement, they'll go, come on, Chris. It's like, well, make it like you... He's like, I've been out of the basement the whole time! There he is. Ready? No?

Back down again? Okay, we'll try it again. One more time. Chris, I'd like you to come up, but this time just a little less enthusiastic. Chris Cuomo returns from his basement quarantine. I don't want to play the video. No, don't. What a doofus.

It's so phony. He gets up there and his whole family has to play along with it. Like, ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Here it is. Finally. It's over.

I finally made it. Please stop. Stop, Jamie. Don't make me. Finally. It's over. I finally made it. Please stop. Stop, Jamie. Don't make me. Wow. It's unbelievable. Don't make me. It's supposed to be an honest news network.

Well, it's a program. It's an entertainment program about the news. Yeah. That's really what it is. And it's an opinion program about the news. It's not just just like the ap okay like associated press you read stories in the associated press they're generally like their tone is very um it's neutral they're just explaining facts you know it's what i i try to read stuff that's just the facts and then i'll read opinions on both sides to try to mess my head up yeah it's crazy cnn's gone haywire though man i mean they

are just death is coming to all of us 24 7 a day no matter what is happening in the news well i wonder what that is you think they feel like they have a responsibility and they have to warn people? They have to get people to... I want to break it down. I'd love to break it down. How are most cases being caught? I know there's a bubble that you can see

and it infuriated my friends Janet and Evan, the owner and chef of Felix, my favorite restaurant in L.A. Because I sent it to them. And you can see, like, out of restaurants, 3% of all contracted cases came from restaurants. Like, close them down. Like, how? Why? What are you doing?

Like, why would you shut down outdoor dining when just restaurants alone cause 3%? And how many of those 3% are the people that are working in the kitchen when they're on top of each other? 3%? 3% is like, that's everything. 3%, what business doesn't have 3%? And then most of them have more. Like retail and food and gas stations.

There's a lot of them that were higher than that. It's ridiculous. I wasn't supposed to even i my plan was to come here in january or february and then when i was here visiting a few weeks ago a month ago or whatever was when on the last day before we left they said they're going to re-lock down we had to go back into that and it was just from then on it was just let's go they're doing stay at home yeah so what is the highway right right now like when you go on the highway in la it's still packed

i mean it's the same thing there's nothing nothing's changing so people are like fuck you everybody's everybody that has there's still enough people that have to work that the freeways are crazy and those people don't live in town you know they live out of town so they have to work that the freeways are crazy and those people don't live in town you know they live out of town so they have to drive and people need to go to the grocery it's so funny that they haven't figured out a way to you know make shopping safer the things that people have to do like grocery stores why not that dangerous like what's so dangerous about shopping i don't know but i'd love to see that bubble percentage in grocery stores from people that have stayed confined and only done the absolute right thing the necessities i think the people that are getting in grocery stores are the people that

work in grocery stores i think that's if i had to guess i don't have to guess but if i'm gonna guess that's what i would imagine i'd imagine it's the people that work there yeah you know yeah maybe i mean i i just don't know i don't know how people are catching this thing but it seems to mostly be my guess family gatherings not taking off work when sick when showing symptoms you know it affects poor people i think the most that eat the worst foods, that drink the worst things, and that can't take off of work, that are willing to work a few days sick. I mean, that is what we're taught in Ohio, right? Just go to work. Yeah.

Go to school. You're sick. Suck it up. Yep. It's the American way, and I think that's why it's obviously a part of it's affecting us deeply. And we're a social place. You're discouraged from taking sick sick days isn't that interesting because now if people find out you're sick like get the fuck away from me stay home tony yeah now they'll be like stay home yeah theo had the best thing he

said uh what is it coughing is the new n word how about sneezing yeah maybe that was fucking sprays it yeah like open mouth sneezing oh my god people will want to kill you yeah it's frightening it's disgusting when are we gonna come out of this what do you think it's gonna look like on the other side i think uh i think once this vaccine rolls out, it's going to be party time, man. I really do. I think that's just the American way. I think that people are going to go 110% once they have any inkling that they're going to be okay

or that they're not going to spread it. I think it's game on. So today it started rolling out in the UK. They started giving, I don't know how the English people beat us on this one, but they started rolling out the vaccine to normies today. And so it should be close. Want some fun Texas tobacco? Yeah.

William Shakespeare was the first one to get it. That's his name? Mm-hmm. For real? Mm-hmm. Wow. Was he just trying to be silly? Possibly, but that was the guy's name.

That's hilarious. That's really funny. William Shakespeare. Right there, he looks like him, too. Man named William Shakespeare, one of the first to get Pfizer vaccine. Jesus Christ, he looks like him. Imagine if it is William Shakespeare. Somehow or another, soul to soul to the devil

to write some awesome plays. And he's still alive, and he has to just keep moving around. And people are like, you're not the same William Shakespeare. He's like, okay, whatever. He wants to tell them, imagine if you live forever, but you have to live forever as a dying man. Ooh, wow, that's crazy. Like live forever, but you live forever as a guy in his 90s who's just barely able to walk. Oh my God, it is him.

I told you. Bro. Bro. I was just kidding. Imagine. Imagine. Shakespeare had an earring i don't i mean whoa look at that shakespeare was ahead of the curve yeah baller or it was behind the car i mean the earrings would probably come in waves right like when i was i had an earring you did yeah i had two no way one in each ear no one had a hoop. No, both in one ear.

Wow. Just to leave no doubt. Wow. I had a hoop and I had a diamond stud. Oh my God. But it wasn't a diamond. It was a cubic zirconium. Wow. Yeah.

I cannot picture that at all. Oh yeah. Would you do it again? Oh no. But my daughter's done it to me. One of my holes is still active. Wow. That's an interesting thing to take that snip.

Jamie's got a picture. Look at that. Wow. Very embarrassing. But that is what it is. That is. That's. I think I'm 21 there.

Or 22. Maybe 22. Well, it says Jeff Sussman on it. So I'm probably 23. Maybe 24. No, you're probably 23 Maybe 24 23 or 24 Look at that fucking guy Fucking earring You have more of a Tony Hinchcliffe shaped skull

In that picture than you currently do I think you'd like to believe that You'd like to believe that there was a time Where my skull was shaped like yours Sort of You want to get it thicker? You want to get it wider? Yeah I do

A bunch of things you got to do How do I do it? Testosterone, growth hormone and deadlifts You got to do a lot of heavy lifting Okay You got to literally change your bone structure You can get your face a little thicker Let's do it

Yeah but you got to make sure you do it the correct way You don't want to fuck your body up. What happens if you don't do it the right way? We've talked about this before. Yeah. That you wanted to get bigger. You wanted to bulk up. Yeah.

It's really, really... I've tried before. I've tried actual... But you haven't. By the book, weight gain things. Listen. Back in the day, I did. Fuck the book.

You got to get a trainer. You have to get a trainer. You have to get someone who's going to show you the stuff to do and trainer you have to get a trainer you just don't you have to get someone who's going to show you the stuff to do and make you do the work i know you think you do the work on your own but you don't do the work on your own compared to if you had like tony meathead like reaching over showing you how to get big right what you you have to lift heavy things there's no way around it and that's one of the things that changes your structure like deadlifts is a big one because deadlifts forces your whole body to work right with deadlifts you get an over under

grip you grab the bar you bend down and your whole body i mean it's everything you're using your fucking biceps using your shoulders using your forearms your back even your chest gets a workout your fucking legs get blown out. I mean, there's so much involved in a deadlift that your body's like, oh, Jesus, this asshole got a job lifting heavy shit. We have to change our body. And then you have to give your body no choice, right? So you have to feed it as much food as possible. You have to literally stuff yourself.

You get sick eating a lot of food if you want to gain weight. And you've got to lift massive amounts of weight. And you've got to do it for low reps. If you really want to get bigger, you've got to lift two and three repetitions. So whatever your maximum weight is, you do like 90% of that.

I did gain like 8 or 10 pounds during the weight gain challenge when Jeremiah and I did that a couple years ago. You let him get fat. That's what you did. That was hilarious. You just let him get fat. Yeah.

That was the most ridiculous challenge ever. It's like you weren't even trying. He loved it. He doesn't smoke or drink or anything. So his whole thing is he's a fucking glutton with food. I've been on the road with him everywhere. I take him everywhere and he eats. This guy gets and he's so happy after he eats he has like this crazy endorphin rush where

he's silly as hell for like an hour afterwards and uh so he was loving it he dug it the most he wanted to do that he wanted to eat ice cream for breakfast and all that stuff like he's a monster how much did he gain i think he gained more than 30 right i think yeah i think he gained like 28 30 pounds jesus christ that is so insane and you took off your shirt and you had a six pack you fuck you didn't even try yeah no i was uh look at you you didn't even try look at those muscles but you didn't even try well to lose weight no i didn't wait i didn't didn't even try to lose weight. No, I didn't. Or to gain weight, rather. You didn't try to get fat at all. I swear to God, I did. Like, I overate.

I didn't do, like, milkshakes at night and stuff like that. Dude, he was dedicated. Look at the difference. Yeah. How did he lose it? I think just being normal. Like, he was overeating so much that I'm pretty sure that just like living any type of normal lifestyle took off that extra weight he was being disgusting whole pizzas wash it down with a milkshake gallon of milk cereal

cereal cereal candy candy like it was unbelievable and he was just the happiest he's ever been to well you wanted to gain muscle and he wanted to gain fat. That was the idea. Yeah. But you didn't get a trainer, right? No. And how old are you now? 36.

I did go to the gym like, I don't know, four or five days a week. I didn't start supplementing testosterone until after I was 36. I think I was 37 or 38. I started doing testosterone replacement. Show me the way. Yeah. Well, it's like as you get older, there no ifs ands or buts about it your body's going to produce less hormones and you can either accept that which many people do you can be embarrassed about wanting to replenish your hormones as many people are they're embarrassed about admitting it they're embarrassed

about discussing it they they want to dismiss the idea they would ever do it. And I had a conversation with a friend of mine who, he works out a little bit, but not much. And he's a little, he gets embarrassed about these things. And he goes, you know, why did you start doing it? I go, it's really simple. I go, I want my body to work better. I want it to perform better. So I talked to doctors.

And I like to talk to jacked doctors. That's what I talk to. Like legitimately. to doctors and I like to talk to jacked doctors. That's what I talk to. Legitimately. The doctors that I know that work in hormone replacement, they're all in their 60s and they look like they're in their 40s and they're jacked. They're all really fit, really strong guys and they explain, this is what you do. And it's real simple. First of all, you go to a really good doctor. You get your blood work monitored. you find out what your hormones are, what your levels are right now. First thing to do is adjust your nutrition. They want to make sure that you're eating healthy food because eating a lot of sugar

and eating a lot of processed food and eating a lot of like heavy carbohydrate like bread and pot, that kind of shit, that can really fuck with your hormones. It can really crash your whole system. Like your insulin resistance, there's a lot of problems with eating a lot of bad food. So if they adjust your food and give you like, you know, you start eating salmon and salads and, you know, taking your essential fatty acids, supplementing with fish oil, eating red meat like grass- fed beef, that kind of stuff. Eating rice instead of pasta, you know, just a little simple.

Most, for most people, some people have an issue. For most people, rice is like very easily digestible. It's one of the most easily digestible of all the carbohydrates. It's like a lot of like heavy power lifter guys, like Robert Oberst. Robert Oberst was on the podcast. He's a strong man, like one of the strongest men in the world, like a lot of like heavy power lifter guys like um robert oberst robert oberst was on the podcast he's a strong man like one of the strongest men in the world like a legitimate giant he's like this big beef and rice that's like mostly what those guys eat and then you'd have to uh once you've adjusted your hormones and you have them rechecked and when you have them rechecked doctors

say well look all these things are going up up. Now we have a better understanding of what your hormone levels are at when they're optimized. So then they say, how much sleep do you get at night? And how do you know? Do you wear a whoop strap? Do you wear some kind of a fitness tracker that measures those aura rings maybe? What do you do to measure your sleep? Measure your sleep. Because when you measure your sleep, it holds you accountable.

So I look at my sleep in the morning. I look at how much i got and how much i recovered on my whoop app and it's like it's right there there's no bullshitting yourself you could say i was good but if you look at your app and it says no no you got 44 percent recovery and you only slept for five hours like this is this is what you really did like because we like to bullshit ourselves and say we're more rested and more. So then you would concentrate on making a concerted effort to get enough sleep. Make sure that your body's fully recovered. And then you cut out the alcohol,

you cut out all these different things, and then look at your blood work again. You have to cut out alcohol too? For a little bit. Just to try to understand where you're at. I don't mean cut it out entirely either i mean like like right now like we had you had a half of a drink yeah you know this is a normal one drink have dinner have a glass of wine right fine but getting fucked up red band style that's not what i'm talking about it's just like fucking vodka sodas and just slam burt kreischer style like i don't know how he does it

but burt has got a different constitution than all of us you know if i drank like burt i'd be a dead man i wouldn't be able to sustain it he's got he's got one of them fucking weird european like bear viking body yeah it's got these weird bodies that just can absorb booze yeah it's crazy so after that then they would start recommending um once they knew where you're at then they start recommending uh different ways to optimize you um there's a there's something called samorlin and that uh it is a uh a chemical i don't know exactly what kind of chemical it is but it increases your body's natural ability to produce um uh human growth hormone and then there are certain amino acids you take before you go to bed that also optimize your growth hormone production when you're sleeping

like this is a it's a multi-step process before you get to bioreplaceable hormones. I'm 138 pounds. What do you think I should... What do you think an optimal weight is for me? Well, you don't have a large frame. You don't have large hands. These are things you can't change. The width of the shoulders.

What about these shoulders? You see that? You're going to have to bulk those up a little bit. See my neck? Yeah, I can see it. It's right there. Looks like I'm already on this stuff. I think for you, the most important thing legitimately is getting someone to show you how to work out correctly. And you're going to be sore as fuck. You're going to be sore as fuck.

For months. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You've got to accept that most of the time you're going to be sore. Yeah. Yeah, you're gonna be sore yeah yeah you're not gonna be all loosey-goosey when you do a lot of lifting weights you're like this all time like like there's days that i come in here i sit down like ah yeah because i don't i know what happens if i let it go if i let it go then things start tweaking they don't work as well like it's almost

like a car that you have to drive right if you want to keep your body strong. I'm 53. When I was a kid, 53-year-olds were dead. They were dead. I thought of 53-year-olds. I didn't think they were going to go to fucking kickboxing classes and lift kettlebells and do crazy shit. None of that was going on when I was a kid. When I was a kid, 53-year-old men were barely alive.

They were barely alive. Are gyms open out here? Yes. Okay. Yeah, you can work out. You definitely can. You can go to jujitsu. People in L.A. haven't been able to work out since the original thing.

It's going to be over a year. They're treating everybody like babies. This is what it is, man. They're treating everybody like you're not allowed to make your own decisions, including business owners that have spent a ton of money opening up these outdoor cafes and outdoor restaurants. And then they don't even supply any science. There's not any science.

They're essentially autocrats, right? They're a dictator. They come and they tell you what they're going to close, what they're not going to close. They don't have to show. There's an overwhelming body of evidence that shows that all this is spreading from yoga studios. We have to stop yoga. Right.

And even then, it'd be like, okay, inside yoga is bad. But what about park yoga? Is that okay? Is it okay to do parking lot yoga? There's no data. So you have these people that are Idiots They're so dumb they keep getting busted Going on vacation when they're telling everybody

To stay home The mayor of Austin told people It's not time to relax While he was in Cabo You know how crazy that is? To go to Cabo And be in a condo in Cabo And go listen we can't relax

Don't travel, stay away from people Take care That is to go to Cabo and be in a condo in Cabo. Listen, we can't relax. Like, don't travel. Stay away from people. All right. Take care. Shed's office. They're partying. Gavin Newsom eating fucking dinner at a fancy restaurant in Napa with his friend.

No social distancing. No masks. Right on top of each other. Doors closed. Indoors. There's a roof, there's a door shut, there's a glass window. I mean, maybe there was like a part of that door where you could open up and you can go outside. That's not indoors, bitch.

Yeah. Or that's not outdoors. Outdoors, there's no roof over your head. You don't have a fucking chandelier outdoors. Outdoors, you see sky. Right. That's outdoors, you fuck. you can't have a roof and chandelier and say i'm eating outdoors that's a lie yeah you're lying but look out the window

bro the fucking mayor of chicago same thing gets busted getting her haircut these people are gross yeah they're gross they keep getting busted doing the things they're trying to tell people not to do. And I don't know why they don't think they're going to get caught. They keep getting caught. And it's, it's crazy. I don't understand it. I don't understand it. There's got to be a better way to do this that allows people to keep their businesses, keep their businesses open, stay healthy, go outside. I eat 100% of my meals out. I have a weird, you know, lifestyle. I don't eat at home.

And we made friends with some of these people these past few months. You know, I found some new restaurants and things like that. And once you make friends with them and you talk to them a bit you end up they end up sharing with you like oh yeah this this but we're you know we're really struggling we're on our last leg my father who's owned a restaurant who owned a restaurant for 30 years closed it in june it's already some other like corporate janky someone tagged me in a picture your dad in ohio yeah wow yeah closed his italian restaurant how long did he own that restaurant for almost 30 years it was his entire Someone tagged me in a picture the other day. Your dad in Ohio? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, closed his Italian restaurant. How long did he own that restaurant for?

Almost 30 years. It was his entire life. He would hang out with people at the bar until, at his bar until, you know, 1, 2, 3 a.m. And he would start making the sauce and stuff at 5 or 6. He would sleep for a couple few hours and then start another day. His entire everything was that um and i i have to check on him see how he's doing but uh but i can't imagine him doing anything else i always assumed he was going to do that absolutely forever but this is this is the story for almost all restaurant owners, man.

They just don't have that. They're more like comedians or artists or something. They spend the money that they make. It's sort of just a different. You take care of so many people you sort of want to be taken care of. So they like vacationing and they like doing this and they like doing that. So many of them. And it costs a lot of money.

And for a lot of restaurant owners, it almost is like an art form or almost like a source of entertainment, too. Because you're not just providing a delicious meal. You're also giving them a nice environment. You're welcoming them. Hospitality is a big part of it. And so many of these places, you know, we found this one place driving around one night. We drove by this Italian restaurantian restaurant you know we were starving and like everything was closed closed closed closed closed it was like a wednesday at

nine right it was a long shot we drove by this one place and we ended up the kid worked there was the grandson the grandfather's the owner the grandma's inside answering the phone unloading wine or whatever like you would see her if you use the restroom. My point is like they were, they had, he was honest. You know, it was just, they're just open people. Like, yeah, we bought these heat lamps. You know, this is crazy. What do we have to do?

It's like an, it was an alleyway. And I know for a fact, even though he didn't say it, that they weren't, they just weren't having a good year to say the least. And it's just frightening to think that all these places with all these good people in la aren't going to have a chance at opening up after they spend money on the heat lamps after they completely reorganize their entire structure has there has there been any big cities that decided to try to stay open most of the pandemic i don't think so right i don't think there's any big cities that are run by republicans

are there uh big cities run by republicans that are that just left everything open basically you mean like mayors yeah like what about miami i was just googling me i was like miami might be open miami well i think miami i think florida as a whole the governor of florida has basically said listen the cure can't be worse than disease right and it's killing our businesses it's killing our people it's like a lot of people are committing suicide a lot of people are getting addicted to drugs and you know and he took a pragmatic approach and you could disagree or or agree and a lot of people disagree and i understand it there there is an issue though that a lot of people who disagree with him being able to him being able to do this and opening

things up they're they're financially capable of surviving a year or even longer without work. And many of them are actually in the middle of work. And I don't want to cast any aspersion. I don't want to cast any blame. I don't want to point any fingers. That's not what I'm trying to do. But what I want to say is that it's really difficult to even imagine. And this is coming from someone who doesn't have to imagine it, so I know how ridiculous this sounds, but it's difficult to imagine the mindset of someone who's losing everything if you're not losing anything. If your life is basically the same, and this is the problem with some of the politicians, they didn't get punished financially for their city shutting down. They didn't get punished financially for 40% of the businesses going under. I mean, sure, it's going to be tough for them to get reelected,

but they can say, listen, we were in a pandemic. We saved lives. That'll be the propaganda. That'll be what they put the pitch, that they saved lives by doing this. But they don't act the way a person would act if their entire life's work was on the line, like your dad and his restaurant. They don't act like that person where they find a way to keep things open and keep things reasonably safe, where they find a way. Look, there's a better solution here.

What we've got to do is keep people healthier, and that will lower the numbers of cases, and that'll also lower the severity of cases, and that'll allow us to open places up to a reasonable extent. How about we do this? How about we do that? Is there a better way to protect people than fucking handkerchiefs? What's better, handkerchiefs or N95 masks?

Can we just get everybody an N95 mask? It seems like that's a better way to go. Those fucking things, like nothing gets through those. But handkerchiefs, you can blow You ever see these demonstrations people do with a handkerchief and a mask? As a mask, rather, and they light a lighter and go and blow the lighter

out. And then they do the same thing with like a cloth mask, a little more difficult. Then they go to an N95 mask and nothing happens. Nothing. It doesn't get out so that thing acts as supposedly some sort of a filter to keep most of the viral load or whatever i don't i don't know i don't know how it works but when you look at the effectiveness of that mask let's say that if everybody had to wear an n95 mask it cut infections down x amount percent let's do that let's do that and if you're

talking about coronavirus like in la they were saying three percent i think it was 3.1 percent was coming from restaurants what if those people were wearing n95 masks would that drop that 3.1 down to nothing would it be one like is one acceptable where people can keep their fucking living like you gotta look at these people you got first of all you gotta look government's never been able to tell you you can't work this is unprecedented this is completely new shit government has never been able to tell like everyone in an industry i'm in the indoor dining industry everyone in your industry can't work government has never had that kind of power. Government has never, ever in the history of the United States of America had the power

to shut all the gyms down. So you can't, hey, all you healthy studs and studettes and stud exes, you can't go work out. It's not up to you. The people who own that business, sorry, I know you've worked your whole life maybe you did construction for 15 years and saved up half your pay and put it all away with this dream of one day opening up this amazing gym and making your living off your own business you created yourself in the community that you live in but no no the government knows better than you and they get to decide whether or not you can work they get to decide whether or not you can work. They get to decide whether or not you take chances, whether or not you feel like you've adequately protected yourself from the virus, whether you test enough.

They get to decide. And a curfew. The psychological effect of knowing, and by the way, they're not enforcing it. The cops aren't pulling you over and going, what are you doing? But they don't need to. The fact that you know that you're supposed to have a 10 10 p.m dude you know what they should do they should have a loud siren that plays throughout the city at 10 p.m just to freak you out like war of worlds style but i'm telling you when we went from

imagine tornado sirens in ohio yes where they have that they could just just like that like But I'm telling you, when we went from... Wow! Imagine. Tornado sirens in Ohio and places where they have that. They could just crank that up. Just like that. Like a tornado siren. When we went from Texas back to California, it was like being on vacation and then going to boarding school. Psychologically, it was like that. It didn't, you know, there was no one enforcing the rules.

Boarding school. It's more like juvenile detention. Yeah. Yeah. You're going to a shitty boarding school. Except juvenile detention, at least they feed you more. And you're with a bunch of other fuck-ups. You get to have a good time.

Yeah. But the thing is crazy, and I'm telling you, this re-lockdown, wait till we see the mental health effect of this, because I'm telling you, being out there, it's much worse than the original lockdown. We were all in it together. We were curious as to what was happening. Now, a lot of the people, at least in Los Angeles feel like,

what the fuck am I doing? It's funny. It was funny to watch the evolution of the talks that I was having with my friends about moving to Austin a few months ago to now they were they were the ones that are like but what are you gonna do what are you just gonna hang out with Joe Rogan and Ron White what about all your other friends you've built an entire thing here what about when the store opens up and you're gonna be you're gonna have the best spot now blah blah blah blah to cut to a week ago or two and all those same people are literally like good good for you, man. You know, it's great for you.

This is awesome for you, blah, blah, blah, blah. It was total, total difference. They were more like, are you going to get to go? It's like Snowpiercer out there. These people are all stuck on a train, trying to survive, trying to move up, and there's no way to do it. And the conductor does not want to let go of the wheel that conductor never wants to let go those mayors they love shutting off people's

water and power and flexing their muscle and telling people you can't get together to have a party golf golf golf golf and by the way my last time that i was here we talked about golf and i have a new golf coach who's in dubai who sends me updated video updates alex riggs out in dubai and he now i mean if i would have lived there i wouldn't have even gotten to do that you know what i mean like we're starting to work on a distraction from all of this yeah and they're like no golf golf again just like stand up you know i always thought you know instead of writing on shows and this and that, I'm like, well, one thing that nobody will ever be able to take away is live shows.

So double down on stand-up, double down on live podcasting. Live audiences will never go away. Boom. Boom. Gone. But my backup plan out of nowhere starting in June was golf. And I'm like, this, gone. But my backup plan out of nowhere, starting in June, was golf. And I'm like, this is golf. This is the most socially distanced,

and it's fun, and it's relaxing, and it's cool, and gone. There's a real danger in telling people to stay home that you know better than them. And then when you, it's observable that the people telling you a large number of them are not doing what they're telling you to do it's very bad for the fabric of society it's going to increase the amount of violent crime it's going to increase the amount of theft

it's going to increase lawlessness because they don't believe in the system and they're also going to there's going to be more and more people that are financially fucked and those are the kind of people that take risks those are the kind of people that maybe would never do anything criminal or trying to go on the straight and narrow but they have to feed their fucking kids and they have to do something and this is where these politicians that keep getting these steady paychecks but keep making these decisions are they are making horrible mistakes horrible mistakes because it's not just about protecting people from the virus it is about protecting people from the virus it is about that but it's also about protecting their fucking livelihoods and that has been given no attention no attention you got to protect their livelihoods

too and if all you're doing to protect their livelihoods is allowing them to work that's it we're not talking about like businesses that are going under and you're like the like the savings and loan crisis where they save the banks no we're talking about places that are going under because they're not allowed to work it's not like the businesses have dried up and disappeared they need a loan to restructure and no no no you're not allowing them to show up they have to sit at home and watch everything they work for for your dad's case 30 years just go away yeah and their routines again the mental health i you know i mean what is a guy like that an Italian guy that used to cook everything and on top of that socialize

every night tell your dad to come to Texas he ain't coming to Texas he's old school he doesn't even unbelievable really truly truly the best let's work something out he's so he could have been in New York or LA or Vegas listen decades ago come down here

shoot a couple of guns yeah get a shot of this stuff. You start thinking, I could live here. Listen, man, I was thinking I could live here in 99. I still can't believe I live here. With that said, I am absolutely shocked at the restaurant scene here. They're amazing, and they're open. Mind-blowing. Mind-blowing.

So many good restaurants. We were talking about this a bit earlier, but better Mexican food than L.A. immediately. It's a different style. It's like Tex-Mex versus Mexican. But that's maybe my favorite food. It's right up there. Because I love spicy, right? Spicy and, you know, especially if I'm drunk.

If I'm drunk, I want to go to a taqueria all day like if i have a choice if i'm drunk like drunk food mexican food is the best food to have after you've been drinking spicy you're right and something i was doing yesterday was spicy food with a spicy margarita so you're trying to wash it down and the drink sometimes is spicier than the food i had a great indian place uh near me in la i wonder if there's good indian food out here i haven't seen that yet there's gotta be there's good sushi here the barbecue's off the charts best japanese meal i've ever had in my life ron white took us to oh yeah you tell me fukumoto yeah he's the guy

yeah he's the king of texas yeah if you have any questions, you go to Ron White. I was with him last night. Ron White. So we did Tony's show at Vulcan Gas Company. And I hadn't done stand-up since I did stand-up in Houston in July. And I was kind of relegated to not doing it until the pandemic was over. I even passed on doing Dave's shows in Ohio because it was in the process of moving here and I was like I just I know me if I do a set there and have a good time I'm gonna want to go on the road again

and right now I can't do that I'm moving here I need to get the studio set up I need to get my house set up I need to get my kids you know completely relaxed with this environment get them happy and healthy and everything and then just i'm like let's just accept the fact that there's no stand-up but then your show so ron white hadn't done any stand-up since march nothing not a fucking joke and he's like man i'm probably retired saying all this shit and i'm like you're not retired and he was oh fucking who wants to see me i chip but jesus christ ron white like we have these conversations sometimes so he sort of like gets down and i'm ron right you're one of the funniest human beings that's ever lived you're one of my favorite he just wants to hear us say that

he wants to hear it but he knows he's gonna hear it too i'm like you're funny as fuck man come on you're awesome just go up there and kill it and then uh so this was his attitude before the show right we have a couple adult beverages ron white goes up there and he hasn't missed a goddamn beat not not a single punch line was off ripped the roof off the door the 45 second minute long i saw someone tag a video on instagram he's just absorbing this standing ovation, looking up at the balcony, tipping his hat, cheers in his drink. Time just keeps rolling while he just before he brings you up after he says, thank you. I'm Ron White. He's the king. He's the king. And they love him here. Yeah, he's so Texas, you know.

Oh, God, he's the coolest. We're neighbors now. We are literally like across the street neighbors. My walk to his place is two minutes. We're neighbors now. That's amazing. We are literally like across the street neighbors. My walk to his place is two minutes. Well, he's a part of everything we do out here. If we're going to do something out here, Ron White's going to be a part of that for sure. But so anyway, he goes up, murders, destroys, and he brings me up. He brings me up, gives me this big giant hug.

He's fucking beaming, beaming when he brings me up. Oh, my God. And then I get off stage and he grabs me by both shoulders he goes no matter what we do we got to keep this going no matter what we do he was like so fired up i swear to god one of my favorite gonna fucking keep this going one of my favorite highlights of that night it's funny because i didn't even know that but one of the highlights of that night to me was when he brought you up, he came back up the stairs to the green room, to the green room area because I was in the hallway half anyway.

And he gave me one of those big hugs where the backs of the, where his hands slap against my back so hard that you could tell he couldn't even control it. This wise grown man could not contain his excitement for something that he hadn't done in months almost a year the longest break of his i think he said what 40 year career 30 or 40 years yeah so he's had eight months eight months of no stand-up at all and then murders and then you know i think he's a smart guy right so the the pandemic is raging he's got a wonderful girlfriend he's very happy and he's got a lot of money and so

he's like hey man i'm just gonna fucking hang back yeah i'm just gonna drink my tequila he's got a tequila company yeah numero one tequila he's got things happening he doesn't need to do anything so he just decides i'll fucking sell my house beverly hills come out to austin relax i guess i'm retired yeah i guess i'm retired he was saying all that talking all that shit i told you that story right about how i asked him when we first got there i asked him i go hey ron so uh you're gonna do a guest spot tomorrow night on my show we'll keep it super top secret we won't promote it the opener will just bring you up you'll bring up uh Joe if he performs blah blah blah and he goes nah I'm retired and then like a half hour

later we're eating barbecue dinner and uh and he goes yeah I'm leaving tomorrow after your show at about 11 30 I'm taking the tour bus to Nashville I go oh you're coming to the show he goes, yeah, I'm leaving tomorrow after your show at about 1130. I'm taking the tour bus to Nashville. I go, Oh, you're coming to the show. He goes, coming. I'm performing on it.

You asked me earlier. I'm like, okay, you son of a bitch. He just changed his mind. Yeah. He didn't change it. He knew he was going to perform the second I asked him.

He just wanted to pretend. He's so funny. I think people protect themselves though from expectation. You know, that's a, that's a thing that people do they just protect themselves from disappointment and uh when you're a guy who you know ron white had a normal person's life until he was in his 40s and then got on the blue collar comedy tour and became a superstar yeah and uh i mean for a guy like that to just shut it off but like i was saying like he's a smart guy so he can figure out a way to be happy he's not gonna cry

woe is me and be depressed and scream and he's just gonna find a way to be happy with this life happy with everything accomplished happy with his girlfriend happy with this life happy with everything accomplished happy with his girlfriend happy with his life just have just have a good time just hang back and relax you know and we talked about doing some stuff because he does like a lot of things on his phone he talks to his phone i go you should do that on a weekly basis just you give your thoughts on things you know about life about anything just have a cocktail sit in front of your iphone it doesn't have to be formal it could be 10 minutes long it could be five minutes long front of your iphone it doesn't have to be formal it could be 10 minutes long it could be five minutes long it could be a minute it doesn't matter just promise

you're gonna do it like ron white's friday night take here's what i saw and like this is this is what i think about this and that love you guys bye do that on a regular basis you know so we started talking about that he kind of got excited about that i was like you can do anything you want man it doesn't have to be just in front of a crowd but eventually it's going to be in front of a crowd again and you you can't forget what you've done because you know i've i've been doing stand-up comedy for a long time i've seen a lot of guys perform you still make me laugh really fucking hard god he's really good he's so funny it's crazy his writing is so tight not uh got here two days ago and night one because again i live across the

street from him i hit him up and we we all hung out and uh everything he does you know you'll forget for a few minutes because you're just hanging out with a friend and then just he just slices you right down the middle you know i can't remember any of the things but it's also just like his cadence and delivery and he knows what's funny about him and he knows when he gets you you know like a comedian like he'll he'll move on to the next thing while you're still laughing like anyway what are we doing and i said out loud the two nights ago i go i forgot how much i forgot again how much fun it is to hang out with comedians like it's just the store being completely closed and you know that's the hardest part man the hardest part is not being able to hang out with

people who genuinely don't give a fuck and will say the most rude and ridiculous thing to you with a giant smile on their face and then you'll laugh at that and fall to the ground like they could have said the worst shit about you and you'll fall down laughing like i mean the conversations that we've had after shows like on the road just laughing and just having a good like everywhere we went we were home yeah it was weird you know it's weird to be in this place in that place and fly here and fly there and you and me and diaz in a hotel somewhere but when we're together and we're all talking like we're at home we're without a doubt yeah we're just laughing and having fun and i've met a lot of really good

people but there's a it's not just comics that are good people there's a lot of people that i really enjoy talking to that have nothing they're not there's nothing funny about them they're never going to be funny they're not they don't have any desire to be funny um but to talk to comedians is a different animal it's like there's a different element in the room like you're fucking with each other you're playing off each other you're making each other laugh yeah and and you know you're also comedians like we're all we're playing a game it's like we we get to like throw a ball around like hey let's go eat and throw the ball around like we're playing a game we're playing a fun let's let's be silly fun game yeah and it's fun because none of my non-comedian friends almost ever you know try to make fun of me or shoot down a thought or anything like that it's usually quite the opposite and around you guys it you guys truly don't give a

fuck so if i say something you know right i can't wait for you to say something ridiculous i know i can't wait for you to say something dumb i'm like please say something dumb so i can attack and to sound dumb it's a fun feeling it's a foreign feeling which creates the element of surprise which creates laughter i love love when I'm dumb. I do. I love when someone calls, like catches me doing something dumb

and I can laugh at myself. You know what's funny is people don't even, I'm not even a pun guy. You think I'm a pun guy because I like doing that dumb shit. You're the king of puns. I'm not. You say that all the time

and people hit me up and tag me. Hey, you're the king of puns. Did you ever see this pun book? I'm like, what? I don't even do that. But I do do that in front of you because it's so funny to me to do a dumb joke and watch you shoot it down. I don't do that. I don't mean you're the king of puns on stage.

Right. No, I know that. I know. But it's a different kind of performing. See, you are doing stand-up when you do those puns with me because you know i'm going to laugh right right like it's the kind of performing you do for a great friend yeah but it is a performing like you're doing a show for me yeah like if you do that like when you me and you are in a car together we're driving dude one of your funniest bits in your fucking act right

now is something you said when you and I were on the road. We were driving to Fresno. From Santa Barbara. And crying, laughing, like tears in my eyes. Yeah. Like wiping my sleeves. I'm like, you got to say that on stage. You were doing stand up.

It's a form of stand up. It's just a one person form. It's true. What's crazy about that is just the two of us in that car, that first time that I riffed that joke and that all the energy was trapped in that like expedition or suburban or whatever it was. And to think that that, what that's done to like arenas since then.

And now is it crazy? It's crazy where an idea will come to you. They're like a, like a fucking, like a magic trick. Like something just appears out of nowhere that you had before or that you didn't have before, but then all of a sudden you have a new way of thinking about a subject, a new angle on something, a new twist on things. And the interesting thing about stand-up is that you're not 100% sure when you come up with it

how to make it that fresh for the people hearing it for their first time. Right. What is the proper setup? How do we take them to where we were when we first heard or came up with that thing? That's a weird thing with in the moment bits. I'm sure you've said things in the moment on stage. You're like, oh my God, that's going to be a part of my act.

And then you try to do it again and you can't recreate it. It's weird. Yeah. And you try a bunch of different ways after that because you're like, this was this funny. So maybe if it's this or maybe if it's that then sometimes it's because it comes after a bit that's something or maybe if you reposition it to the beginning or the end and all these there's so many adjustments that are possible and sometimes you just end up you gotta abandon it yeah i've had abandoned bits that were at one time killing and then they stopped working like they just either i lost interest in it or it didn't

make as much sense with the rest of my act or there's a problem if you have like two different takes on the same subject and one of them was like the original take and you're kind of married to it and then the other one's better and then you have the two of them together but then the original one starts to suck yeah because it's connected to the original to the second one to the the more powerful one it's a magical art form it really is i love it to this day i love i went to see bill burr um friday night went down to see him uh i think he's in uh dripping springs which is about i think it was i think that's where the uh outdoor arena but it's about half hour from here so and I enjoyed the shit out of it I enjoyed it I had a great time I was watching comedy you just went and watched

yeah yeah just sat down and watched yeah what Dean Dean had a great set cool and then I watched bill like this was fun this is i i enjoyed it as an audience member yeah i enjoyed it as a fan of stand-up comedy i'm like god this is great i've been i was watching before the comedy store closed again there was a couple times where i got to really sit down and watch don barris through the front window and it's like he's trying to it's this it's this thing that works so well he's the king of late night at the store he could he could wake the dead there at 2 30 a.m and trying to do it through a window and watching him surgically and by the way i was dying i whereas a lot of perhaps maybe the normal people that

didn't know who he was on the patio were sort of like what what's this guy doing why is he talking about that why does he keep asking us who out there likes to fuck and why half the people go crazy and why do they seem like they know him anyway but yeah it was it's it's fun to get to watch that but it's also like so sad to know that oh my god this guy would be having the time of his life if they would just let these people on the other side of that wall. The difference between doing it in a window and outside

with that huge disconnect and one speaker coming from the corner, it's like. It's also, you're doing it through an aquarium window. Like, what is that? Yeah. Like, people, there's stand-up comedy. I always say when you watch it on television, it's like maybe 60% or 70% as good as it is if you're there.

Right. Is that? I think it's even less than that. I think. It's probably 60, I think, in my mind. When you're there, there's a magic in the room. Like when you're there, there's a moment before a comic goes on stage when you're there there's a magic in the room like when you're there there's a moment

before a comic goes on stage when you're in the audience i remember this from like the early days when i would go to see people like when i was just starting out and i'd go to see sam kinnison or jerry seinfeld i went i paid to see people and i sat down the audience there's a moment like when the audience lights dim and the spotlight comes on you're like whoa here we go and you could feel it you feel it in the room man you feel it like forget about just the show itself like that is an acknowledgement of the energy of the live performance the moment that the show is about to start everybody gets jazzed up yeah ladies and gentlemen please welcome ron white and he goes on stage and everybody could feel it and then when the people next to you are laughing you're laughing

harder you know he he hits a punch line and you could hear laughter everywhere and it's like like we're all in it together like you're you're in a sea of of feeling with hundreds of other people that you don't know and you're all feeding off of feeling with hundreds of other people that you don't know. And you're all feeding off of each other. It's a very, very strange sensation. And you don't get it on television. On television you get good writing. You get personality and charisma.

You watch it. You laugh. I still – I loved Bill's Paper Tiger, the last one. Loved it. Yeah. But I'm also a big fan of stand-up. so I'm excited to see him, looking forward to it. But if I was there in the room while he did it, I could see it. I could look around, the lights and the feeling.

That's a real experience. And you just don't get that unless it's in front of a live crowd. Right. Everything else is... The worst version of it, for sure zoom stand up oh yeah i would beg and plead please don't do it right i've seen like real world-class professionals do zoom stand up and it was atrocious yeah not no bueno first of all because they have timing that's developed in front of audiences and there's no audience so nothing looks weirder

than you talking like this when there's no one else there you know if you were talking to one person they were talking like this you're like what are you doing right what's with all these dramatic pauses yeah this is ridiculous why do you keep putting the microphone close to your face when you say the last word right weird i'm like pudding you know that thing yeah it's a weird way of talking it seems terrible on zoom it just doesn't work there's no one there live is better first night here i saw live music ate a burger while a band was playing in the corner yeah they do that here yeah it's real yeah haven't seen live music in los angeles in this year you know who's doing the

best stand-up or the best version of online stand-up? Andrew Schultz. Oh, yeah. Direct-to-camera. The best version. Well-written. Direct-to-camera, super well-written, new punchline every couple seconds, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, and now he's got a Netflix thing coming out.

Yep. You've seen that? Yeah. He's doing that thing straight to it. Dude. Brilliant. That's different. See how the pace is so much different than his stand-up?

Yeah. See, he figured it out. His stand-up yeah see he figured it out his stand-up is that a more casual and relaxed pace right but he recognized that this is not regular stand-up it's kind of stand-up II but it's not regular stand-up and he adapted perfectly yeah it's a smart dude very smart dude is the man he's a really smart dude. He figured it out. He figured out how to make it through. And other folks have not.

And other folks have made these errors, different ways, no fault of their own, just trying different ways to do it. But he's figured it out. That's the way to do it. And I think that not only that, but he goes hard. You know what I mean? He has no network notes. He's doing it his way. That's like a modern-day Jon Stewart or John Oliver,

except there's no network notes coming in. But it's much harsher. Yeah. He's much harsher. And he's also not woke. There's nothing woke. Those guys are especially john oliver and those i mean those shows if you're going to do a show on hbo one of those um opinion

shows you you gotta like of like a serious left wing bend almost always right if it's a comedy show but schultz schultz is a straight down the middle. He just calls it like he sees it. He doesn't have a left-wing bend or a right-wing bend. I would say probably more left than right, but he's not ideologically driven by one party. He'll mock everybody ruthlessly. You came to LA, I think it was January, and we did a super show. Me, him, Tim Dillon, and Santino Santino all four of us we each did like a half

hour or whatever and at the end all four of us went out with microphones and did like this super crowd work thing wow and I I would love a man I remember they were recording it but who's recording it I think it may have been Schultz oh Oh, okay. I got to figure out where that video went. Yeah. Ask him. Because we did some diabolical stuff. I don't want to give anything away, but there was a Chinese woman named Shu we found out at one point in the front.

Me, Dylan, Santino, and Schultz, all with microphones at once. It was crazy. That was back when people weren't as sensitive about pointing out that someone's Chinese. Right. In January, it was okay to be Chinese. Yeah, not anymore. There's so many people that would get angry at someone for just being Chinese. Yeah.

Wasn't there a senator that said something really crazy the other day? Like, Chinese people have been stealing and lying for the last 5,000 years. Like, something like crazy over the top oh god and i remember i remember reading that going wow imagine someone saying this before the pandemic right imagine she got torn apart for it i mean people people were very very very upset with her like chinese people there's a lot of Chinese comments. Michigan Senator says racist comments made during oversight hearing

makes no sense. She said it makes no sense? I don't know. Hey, did Rudy Giuliani, does he have the vid? Yep. He's got it. He does not look healthy. He's been coughing for a long time, though, that guy.

They wanted to kill him. They should just show him that scene in Borat over and over and over again. In what? Borat. Oh, yeah. He's in the hospital. They show him that scene in Borat over and over and over again where they try to scam him.

He's just tucking his pants in. Poor, just old guy. Bad back, trying to tuck his pants in. They come in like he's jerking off yeah so weird so weird dude borat is a god damn funny movie though did you watch it not the new one no there's he still goes for it yeah still goes for it he's fucking movie is, there's some wild scenes in that movie. What, the hair? The hair dye? Do you see the one where the hair dye drips into that black guy with the giant dick? Leaning over the side of the bed?

Have you seen that one yet? No? Poor Rudy Giuliani. That doesn't even make sense. Like, why does he have hair dye on the hair that's on the side of his head? He was once such a respected mayor. He was. It's not ending well, right?

Post 9-11, that guy was a hero. He was. A lot of people wanted him to be president. Yep. Yeah. Yep. Wow. And then there's a lot of people that are in the Republican Party that don't like the way he's handling the case. But you know what was really funny to me was that one lady who was testifying. I think she was testifying. She was Rudy Giuliani's star witness.

She looked like she had literally just stepped off the bar, did a bump of coke, and just started talking and testifying. She had glasses on. She looked like she was a little trashed. And look at her. That's her. You got to hear her talk. She's like, you know, she's talking about the ballots. What did you guys do?

Something crazy with it? That's what she said. She was talking about like the numbers. Like you're going to see some videos of her testifying. You't seen this well come on you gotta watch this because it doesn't seem like a real person it seems literally like a saturday night live sketch like if a saturday night live sketch was let's take a lady from staten island who just got off work and she had a couple of cocktails let's let her testify like all these q anon supporters that like work in your office want to tell you, let me tell you something.

There's fucking gold underneath the White House, and they're protecting it from the Iranians. You've got to listen to this lady talk. Listen to her. Give me some volume. Off by 30,000? I'd say that poll book is off by over 100,000. That poll book?

Why don't you look at the registered voters on there so my question then is how many wait what about what about how what about the turnout rate a hundred and your money percent he's banging there you know that's representative Johnson ask his question my question is why we're not seeing the poll book off by 30,000 votes. That's not the case. What did you guys do? Take it and do something crazy to it? What did you guys do?

This is like watching some sort of a... They did do him, they did Rudy Giuliani dirty and poor. Because they made it, they did make it look like he was jerking off. Right. He was just putting his, he was tucking his shirt in his pants

after they took the microphone out. You know, you take your microphone out, it's cords and shit. Oh, yeah. He had to tuck it back in. So he's laying back, tucking his pants in, and Borat comes out. And they slowed it down, too.

You know that, right? Did they slow it down? Yeah. That girl, though, that played Borat's daughter, first of all, there's no way he thought she was 15 that's horseshit that lady does not even

look remotely 15 but she's so good dude there's a scene I don't want to say anymore I don't want to give it away but there's a scene

at a dance where they go to a dance you saw it right bro bro were you crying it was like knowing how they probably filmed it, yeah.

I was crying. That part probably happened. Oh, it happened. Yeah, yeah. I was crying. Wow. There's some funny moments, man. Some really funny moments.

The guy's a genius. This part happened, too. Oh, when he played Trump? Yeah. I broke into the, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know,

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I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don trump yeah that was good too that's him yeah yeah it's him with a rubber face yeah a whole rubber suit thing on it's good dude it's really good there's some really funny moments he uh goes to a county fair and dresses up like this uh character and goes on stage with like he's got overalls on and fucking like a flannel shirt. And he sings this horrific song about injecting Obama with the Wuhan flu. And he's getting people to sing along with it. Chop them up like the Saudis do.

This is him. Oh, my God. You want to hear it? Yeah. Oh, we can't play it, right? No. But it's on Amazon. It's on Amazon Prime.

I'll watch it. It's very good. It's so ridiculous to watch people sing along with this thing. I'm like, oh, my God. Like, it's just so not fair. It's so not fair. First of all, they're at the county fair. Second of all, they're probably drunk.

Third of all, they have no idea what this is. They don't know what the fuck this is. They just think it's silly. Some guy's singing. Everybody's singing along. I'll sing along. Chop them up like the Saudis do. Woo!

And the next thing you know, you're the punchline. It's a crazy movie, man. Yeah. He's great at what he does. But they did Rudy Giuliani dirty. That was unfair. Just the way they depicted it after to promote the movie. I guess they did it because he works for Trump,

you know, but it's just, if anybody works for Trump, man, they're the enemy. That's how people look at it. I guess so. What do you think?

He runs again in 2024. Yeah. Yeah. He comes back smoother, like a less angry. He figures out a way to explain things in a way he realizes the things that tripped him up corrects his game or someone else comes along that the rest of the Republican support maybe someone who shares some of his economic

beliefs but is not so bombastic and someone who doesn't cause as many problems. President Dan Crenshaw. He could do it. Yeah. He's a very, very logical guy. Very reasonable. Who's a ooh? What happened? We just got to fix Crenshaw's marijuana policy.

Yeah, he's got a goofy policy on marijuana. He ran a, I follow him on Instagram because I love him. Yeah. And he said the funniest thing the other day day because he was talking about, you know, when the federal, when the house passed the marijuana bill. And he's like, you know, some of these, we have to really look at how marijuana operates. He said, you know, someone might take a, someone might take an edible, for example, and an hour later, try to drive their car.

It's true. Right. It's true. Then they're going to learn. then they're gonna learn right exactly they can't drive the only people that would be scared by that are people that wouldn't have an edible but exactly what you just said it's like well you you learn immediately after sitting on the side of the road for three hours after that watching cars go by i can't i can't i can't um yeah it't. I can't. Sounds like a nightmare. It does sound like a nightmare.

He doesn't get high. People who don't get high have this really crazy idea of what happens. Dude, I've taken edibles to the point where I was basically in another dimension and gone to jujitsu class and did really well. I had a good day. Yeah, man. You don't lose your coordination at all. Like, I mean at all. Like, if you and I sat down and polished off a bottle of whiskey, and then I tried to do jujitsu, I would be sloppy and slow,

and I'd probably miss things. If I had to, like, operate, like, operating a drone or something, I'd probably crash into a tree. Your hand-eye coordination is off. Everything is off. When you do marijuana, it's not off. You just get weirded out and freaked out. But your ability to move is no different.

And some people think it's enhanced because you're more sensitive. Like I know a lot of people who like to smoke pot and lift weights because they feel like they feel it in their muscle tissue. They feel what's moving and what's, you know, what's, uh, what they're working on. They can really like tune in to the specific body part and how to do it right and how they're really hitting it perfectly and what happens when they hit it wrong. A hundred percent with golf. You have to remember like 25 things at once with your head, with your arms, with your

hips, with your shoulder, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And marijuana is unbelievable with that. You might be talking to squirrels in your golf cart in between shots, but like, you know, the putting it all together,

it, well, that drive, the drive is a very coordinated movement. It's really interesting to watch people do it, especially cause I don't know how to do it. Yeah. Cause I'm like,

I get to watch it purely without thinking about how i would do it yeah i'm like oh i see what he's doing you'd be great at it because you could just pop your hips that central core you'd be crazy yeah i don't want to do it you should try it we should go to top golf you've ever seen that place i've done that yeah i've sent those motherfuckers flying yeah let's see that man that's what the videos that everyone wants to see. You driving golf balls. I could drive the fuck out of a golf ball. Yeah, but I only hit it eight out of ten times.

Two out of ten times I scalped that fucking floor. Yeah, that happens. That's part of it when you're starting out. But when you hit it right, that feeling. Tank. Yeah, it's whoop. it right, that feeling. Yeah. Tank. Yeah, it's whoop. Yeah. Watch that thing.

Yeah. There's one dude, I think we talked about him a few times, that does it where he steps to it and lifts his leg up. He's like famous for it. I think he's got the world's longest drive. He has the world's longest, right? Yeah. Maybe.

Let me double check. This motherfucker, he looks like an athlete he looks like he's a football player or something like strong big fucking guy and he throws his leg up and steps into it so like he throw almost like a pitcher does you know like a pitcher does that before they pitch he kind of does that before he steps in for the drive and just sends sends it fucking flying he goes to those top golf places and just you see it hit the back net at the very top like ridiculous yeah just a ridiculous drive here he is look at look at this move wow that's silly watch this boom look at that fucking ball. Look how straight that goes. He's a big fuck.

Look at that guy. He's like, oh, Jesus. I just need the balls to stay inside the net. Yeah, they're not staying inside the net. He's a big fuck. Look at that dude. That dude's stout. What's his name?

The Swingman is his name online. He's got to have a real name, right? I'll look it up. Why isn't Manny Pacquiao getting cracked? What is Tim Dillon doing? What are you looking at? You're talking about him, so I had some stuff ready. Oh isn't Manny Pacquiao getting cracked? What is Tim Dillon doing? What are you looking at? You're talking about him, so I had some stuff ready. Go to the Instagram page.

Jamie's Tabs. Does it say his name? Jeremy Nowak. There he is. Wow. That motherfucker can knock a golf ball. He must suck at putting to not be a professional golfer. That's the catch.

Because there's so many aspects of the sport. Interesting. Maybe just not accurate with that. Maybe just to get that kind of distance. Putting in itself is such a freaking head case of a game. How good is Ron at golf? Unbelievably great. Really?

Yeah. Unbelievable. Plays a lot of golf yeah and he's a fucking winner man he's great gamble no me gamble with him come on don't golfers gamble yeah but i'm a i'm not i'm not near his uh league yet golf sort of like jujitsu in the way that it definitely takes time there's no like even if you're a natural it's still a nightmare also there's a rating right yeah that's interesting because there's no there's there's kind of a rating for pool but it's not you know it's like uh in uh amateur events there's a rating like the amateur events there's like um there's like a B player, an A player, and there's like different ones that have like numbers.

I think it used to be there's a league that I used to play in, in House of Billiards. I forget what the governing body of the league was, but there was like a number, like you're a 70, this guy's an 80, and so if he's an 80, he has to give you a ball or something like that or has to give you one or two games on the wire or something like that. But once you get to the professional level, there's no like some guys are this handicap,

other guys are that handicap. Like golf is so specific because you're playing your game. You're not playing against someone. You are in that they're scoring and you're scoring and trying to do better than them but they don't ever get to do anything to you whereas with pool you're playing a per like a person can play safe a person can do they can make a decision and leave you a really shitty shot they can do things that affect the game so you're genuinely playing that person yeah i heard that queen's gambit on netflix is supposed to be badass there's the do things that affect the game. So you're genuinely playing that person. Yeah.

I heard that Queen's Gambit on Netflix is supposed to be badass. There's the pool rating thing. Ah, Fargo ratings, pocketability ratings for the world. I haven't seen that one. That might be a new one. 213,000 players, 16 million games. Not a lot of people play pool, man. My golf club's made it, but my pool stick's still in L.A.

So sad. Yeah. You don't care. We'll get it back out first pot. Maybe you'll never go back to L.A. Maybe Kill Tony becomes a fucking worldwide success coming out of Austin. Yeah. And you're like, fuck you.

Yeah. Could have someone pack all my stuff. And then the zombie virus hits L.A. And L.A. only. It gets contained. They put a big fence around Orange County. It's rough there, man. There's a couple shows that have that. Like a giant wall gets put around L.A.

I didn't see it, but. I didn't see the zombie L.A. show past the first season. But the first season was good. The fear of the walking dead. The first season was good. The walking, the fear of the walking dead. The first season was good. Really good acting, like acting better than the other one.

Dare I say. Do you remember anyone that was in it? There's this lady who's the main lady. I forget her name. She's been in a million things. She's really fucking good. And then there's some people that are semi-famous but i think they try to keep i think with shows like that there's a there's a

real value in having a good actor that people don't know yeah because then you relate to the character more than matthew mcconaughey it's not matthew mcconaughey caught the zombie virus no it's some guy that's really good you know it's not a very well-known person yeah not that matthew mcconaughey wants to do a zombie show right but i think a lot of these shows they go out of their way to get people that are good actors but that don't have big names yeah no i agree so maybe you're like oh it's that guy i saw that guy in a movie once but it's not that's i think about that a lot like it's like you know you used to have guys come out of nowhere really back in the day like who knew who michael keaton was when beetlejuice came out

he's a comic and he was on a television show before that really yeah yeah michael keaton was on a sitcom um trying to think of what it was mr something right hmm mr big is that a thing god damn it i don't remember but it was a sitcom working working what was it about working stiffs working stiffs he also did a little uh he was around the tony randall show tony randall let me just pop up with this um he was uh a stand-up he was on evening at the improv yeah he's got a big neon at the comedy store does he all's fair in the mary tyler moore hour it says yeah he was around for a while and you know there's a lot of people that really reluctant to accept him as batman hilarious because he's kind of like this thin guy he doesn't he's not jacked might have been the best batman ever without a doubt might have been the best batman no question

about that's including christian bale yeah not only was he the best Batman, he was also the best Bruce Wayne. Believable. Glasses, tip of his nose, researching. You know, they all had a stupid fake voice, though. There he is. All Batmans had a fucking fake voice. Did you see The Founder? Whoa, it's being considered for a Batman role.

There's a TV, I think he was going to be on the TV show. Who's he going to be? No, Batman. There's like a TV role. There's a TV. I think he was going to be on the TV show. Who's he going to be? Like Alfred? No, Batman. There's like a TV show. Oh. The flag. He is going to pop up in The Flash, I think is what I heard.

Wow. He is in talks to play Batman. That's crazy. This was in the summer. They talked about it. Hmm. Wow. We see you're using an ad blocker, Jamie.

I know. Suck it. Backlash. Who is the worst Batman? The least believable? Clooney. Ben Affleck. Yeah.

Clooney? Ben Affleck. Affleck? Ah, well, okay. Both of them. How about that? I think Affleck has to take it, but I don't even know. Affleck's doing it still.

That's the problem. Really? Yeah. Oh, God. They're doing a new movie now on Affleck's Batman again. The Justice League thing, right? He's Ben Affleck. He's not Batman. He's Ben Affleck. I don't not like Ben Affleck. I like Ben Affleck.

But that's not Batman. They also have the guy from Twilight is going to be in too, right? Oh, yes. Pattinson. Yeah. Again, that's the guy from Twilight. That's not be him too right oh yes pattinson yeah yeah again that's the guy from twilight oh that's not batman affleck is taking uh michael keaton spot in the flash so like a month later they announced affleck's gonna be him so who knows they need a new guy you need a new guy who's jacked right me after i get on testosterone you're gonna need a few years i could be robin now though

you could the original one it's so funny because the bat there was like the batman comic books that were very 1950s right that that sort of style and then there was uh the batman um those illustrated books what do they call those graphic novels the graphic novels are very different because then the graphic novels novels it was very dark and very like really cool really well drawn and like heavy duty shit like a different batman like batman was jacked and you know there's like a lot Batman like Batman was jacked and you know there's like a lot of like serious storylines and a lot of heavy-duty shit now that was the Batman that sort of existed in that was the Dark Knight that was like the Christian Bale Batman that kind of made sense but the original

Batman for TV was ridiculous like look at him like look how he's dressed everything jeremiah after the weight gain challenge the dude looked like he never worked out he had this ridiculous belt on he had silly shorts on the cape like the show was so dumb like look at his muscles they're non-existent Wow Even the suit It's like so campy and corny But it was that way on purpose Like when you punch guys

You'd see like a bam In front of the screen Do you remember Batman? You're too young Yeah Did you watch it at all? Yeah I would like play on the adult swimmer Batman

Yeah It was so So corny Jeez It was so campy so corny it was so campy and corny but that's what it was and then when they went to Michael Keaton that movie was very different it was like brooding and then

when you get to Heath Ledger when Heath Ledger's playing Batman he was the Joker when he was playing the Joker, against Batman, rather, you're getting this violent, weird sort of character that is interacting with Batman and taking over the city. There's half face. Literally half his face is fucking seared off.

Incredible. Hans Zimmer stepped it up on that one, too. The music. Mr. Freeze. Wow. The Freeze Meister. Wow. Who is he supposed to be too. The music. Mr. Freeze. Wow. The Freeze Meister. Wow. Who is he supposed to be?

Yeah. It's Mr. Freeze? That's the name? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Those were terrible. That was the Clooney one, right? Yes.

That was like, let's get as many famous people as we can in a movie. Yeah. Let's just throw as much shit against the wall as we can, see what sticks. They're right there, actually. Jim Carrey was the- Wasn't Michelle Pfeiffer in that, too? Yeah. She was Poison-. They're right there, actually. Jim Carrey was the... Wasn't Michelle Pfeiffer in that, too? Yeah. She was Poison...

No, that was the one before. She was in the Michael Keaton one where she was a bat... cat woman, remember? Is that George Clooney? Yes. He looks good. Looks like a good Batman.

It's weird. They totally redid the suit. They gave him some fake abs. Fake titties. It's very odd. It's very odd it's very odd you know dc's always played second fiddle to marvel i think so right in my when i was a kid and i was a comic book collector i enjoyed some dc comics but i enjoyed way more marvel marvel just i was a marvel guy they had dr strange they had blade i was i loved blade that's the the vampire slayer that wesley snipes played that was a comic book for a long time they had conan they had conan the barbarian the comic book they had the avengers they had the x-men

they had the fantastic four they had everything they had all the cool ones They had Spider-Man They had the Hulk They had Iron Man Like Whatever For whatever reason DC had some cool ones But Superman Like

Get the fuck out of here Yeah Get the fuck out of here bro Right He was the king For like the longest time He was the king Until the Marvel ones

Started coming out And then they're like Yeah that is kind of corny this guy's from another planet comes down here and all he wants to do is help people Batman's not even

super no he's just rich he's just rich so he's even cornier fucks up the fucking poor people right he finds poor people

that are just trying to get by sell little drugs Batman comes in and kicks your balls off no he was he was you know They're just trying to get by, sell a little drugs. Batman comes in and kicks your balls off. No, he was, you know, the Joker's obviously an evil villain. That's a good foil for Batman.

Yeah. The best Joker, though, is Joaquin Phoenix. He's the best Joker. They just made that guy up almost. He wasn't, you know what I mean? almost. He lost like 50 pounds to play that role. He existed on this really fucking strict diet to get his body

into this really creepy shape. He's a bad motherfucker, that guy. That movie, whether you like it or not, and here's what I don't like about that movie. That movie inspired a lot of fucking losers to start smashing windows when the looting started oh my god they're like it's real it's real guys have been wearing the same

underwear for a month just ran outside with cans of gasoline and fucking rocks to throw through payless these assholes they're just so happy yeah fuck you and everything you've worked for we're gonna take america back this uh this portrayal and the celebration of like attacking the wealthy and killing the elite and killing the the government and when he shot that dude in the head right on that television show like spoiler alert that movie was uh a catalyst think, in a lot of ways for violence. And I'm not blaming them for violence. And I loved the movie. I thought it was really good.

I left that movie going, that dude is a bad motherfucker. And to have Todd Phillips, the guy who made the Hangover movies, directs this? Like, what a beast. Yeah. But then I remember thinking, like, man, if they think video games cause violence, that fucking movie. And my wife said the same thing. She goes, we're not that far away from that. I go, I know, we're not that far away from that.

This is pre-pandemic. Then once the pandemic came and then the looting started and then all the craziness, I remember having a conversation with my family where we're like, let's get the fuck out of here. And everybody was like, you're just talking. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to get the fuck out of here. Yeah. And everybody was like, you're just talking. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to get the fuck out of here. Like, I see where this is going. I see where this. And then the lockdowns and all the businesses shutting down,

all the restaurants shutting down. And I'm like, I see where this is going. Yeah. It's bad. That looting really took a lot out of it for me. I don't even know. Well, you live in a prime looting area. That's the problem.

Like where you live, there was a shitload of looting across the street from your apartment. You used to tell me how you loved your neighborhood. Like I could walk here and go have lunch. I would go there. I knew people. It was really cool. It's a great place. It's a hub.

There's a lot of activity. And then the looting just took it all away from you. Yeah. And the thing that made it great is it was all small businesses. So real inspirational energies and gone completely, completely wiped away. Even the most successful restaurant in my neighborhood, the one that was always packed, is now covered with boards. Covered with boards.

Closed and boarded up for their own protection. And I'm telling you, the psychological vibe of that for the entire neighborhood is crazy. Well, here's the thing. How many people were depressed already before the pandemic how many people were suffering from depression i mean it's a common ailment you know it's a real real problem with people especially now and it just it's only going that

direction i had some some i had a weird conversation with someone about that. They're like, do you think that depression is something that people can fix on their own without medication? And I said, I think there's a lot of cases where people could probably fix're depression. But depression is one of those weird things where we don't look specifically at the disease itself or what it is itself, whatever you want to call it, the condition itself. We look at how'd you get there. How about you pull yourself up? How about you figure this out?

Because it's a feeling, a malady of the mind, and because it's an illness of the mind we hold the person who has that illness responsible for it somewhat it's very strange you know because everything else even uh people that have liver cancer you know like oh did you drink your fucking 20s and 30s away asshole well now you got liver cancer yeah well that's what happens well no when we see people with liver cancer we give them chemotherapy we treat them we we feel bad for them do you hear mike's mom has liver cancer like oh no you feel bad that she did something horrible and and ruined her life but you don't want to bring it up a lot

you want to go well shouldn't have been boozing you know hey maybe get your life together and then then get on some medication. It's a weird illness where it's like we all know that attitude is malleable. Like you can have a good attitude or a bad attitude. You can make some changes in your life sometimes, and they affect everything you do in the future. Just changes where you decide to be happier and healthier By whatever means you think is the most effective And then you see you get better

And you see you're happier than you used to be But you used to be depressed And then people, why don't you do what Mike did? Mike did it Yeah, he didn't like what he was doing So he lost weight Started drinking water Started walking around the block and jogging

Started entering marathons Now he's super happy Now he's successful Do what Mike did It's not that easy Right he's super happy now he's successful do do what mike did it's not that easy right it's not that easy it's not it is and it isn't you can do it it's not like there's a wall like you can't get over the wall it's impossible but you have to figure out how to get the motivation or start the steps or put it in motion. Get something moving. And there's a lot of us out there that didn't get taught how to do that.

I got very fortunate. I figured out how to move even when I don't want to very early on. Get things done even when I don't want to very early on. But a lot of people never get taught that. They never get taught that. And then they get depressed. And so you can say, well, why get depressed and so you can say well why don't you just do this or why don't you just do that but it's almost it's almost never going to happen when you do that like things a person needs to there has to be it's almost like they're trapped in a tunnel or a cave rather and they're trying to figure out a way out. And they find this little fucking hole of sunlight coming through.

Like, look, up there, up there. And you climb up to the top. Like, you fucking shift your way out. And you get above the top and then you can get through. But if you don't find a ray of light, you just keep living. You just keep doing what you're doing and being more and more depressed and you never get out of it and you look for more and more distractions and so now you're farther away from the cure and it gets harder to get out of bed like literally get out of bed it gets harder

to even not only that but you pull the blinds up to even let sunlight in to even begin getting out of the bed and time just flows and flies that's why shows like my 600 pound life are important because that guy wasn't 600 pounds when he was born right so what happened how did it how did it get there how obviously he's not healthy how did he get there Obviously he ate way too much food and he didn't move. He's still stuck in his trailer somewhere. How did this happen? Because that is what can happen to people. It might not be what can happen to you,

but whoever you, whatever you are is a bunch of shit, man. It's not just you. It's not like you're not like a mug. Like see that mug? That mug is a mug. It is what it is. There's different shit that's in it, but what it is, it is. you're not like a mug like see that mug that mug is a mug it is what it is there's different shit that's in it but what it is it is you're not a tony you know you're you're tony in relationship to your life to the people that you love to what you're doing for a living

what your commute is like how much money you're making what kind of stress are you under what kind of friends you you under what kind of friends you have what good experiences have you had what bad experiences you had what trauma have you had what injuries have you suffered that's what you are yeah like to think you're this one thing like i kind of know you i know you very well you're a great friend but i kind of know which version of you i'm gonna see every day i just have a there's a range that you have that jamie has and i have that we all have there's a range of who you are and it's based on all sorts of different fluctuating factors man but it's the

depression thing is a weird one because we blame the people for it it's fucking weird it's also interesting because maybe they acknowledge it maybe they are getting help and it can also be worse than doctors can analyze unlike uh something that you can test and see like oh the tumor has gotten bigger right you got a broken arm we need to fix you up like tom segura it could also since it Tom Segura. It could also, since it's a mental illness, it can disguise itself. Just like how physically sometimes someone will feel better when they end up at a doctor's office for something. They're like, well, you know what? It doesn't really hurt as much as it did yesterday or whatever.

It's the same thing with. Hey, dude, should we call Tom Segura on the podcast live? Let's do it. Yeah. Should we see if he'll come on the podcast? For whatever reason, I just got a crazy idea. We're talking about injuries and being depressed. I don't know if he's depressed, but I know he's got to be kind of bummed out.

I wonder which arm he answers the phone with. His right arm It's the one that's not broken Oh he broke his left arm? Yeah You're happy now right? Wipe your ass Jerk off easy

Yeah You don't have to relearn how to write Relearning how to write is rough Damn it Call back Maybe I'll leave it right there In case he calls back I can't believe these guys Or Tommy Buns Damn it. Call back. Maybe. I'll leave it right there.

Case calls back. I can't believe these guys are dunking. Or Tommy Buns. I called him the day of the injury because I saw his post on Twitter. Looks like surgery was a slam dunk. These are just the issues one has when you're really, really, really strong. So funny. His knee's fucked. Yikes.

His entire left side. I know, right? Knee and arm. Takes a long time to recover from that shit. But Whitney Cummings, anything for attention. Look at Burt Grazer. Looks like the surgery was a slam dunk, all caps. That's so rude.

How do you put up Burt 2, Tom 0 in their challenges? Oh, my God. That's hilarious. Well, he wins. Burt wins. Yeah. Tom's got to bow down now. He's got to bow down.

The tennis thing apparently was ridiculous I didn't see it but Bert according to Tom Tom took all these classes to learn how to play tennis And everything And he talked to his coach right before they played And the coach said the only thing that would Fuck you over is if he has like a World class serve And it's like he probably doesn't have a world class serve

He's got a world class serve Apparently Bert Kreischer H hits the fucking ball like a division one player in college and he's hung over his shit and he's hung over and he's fat and he didn't have a shirt on probably and he apparently his serve is preposterous wow yeah like world-class surf. That's so funny. I can't believe it. Because he practiced so hard for that. Tom did. Tom did.

Wow. And Bert just owned him. Yeah, I guess Bert's good at golf, too, from what I understand. We're supposed to do this big golf tournament coming up. His coach specifically said, unless he's one of those John Daly types, he's not really athletic, but he's just fucking really good at things. He goes, oh, he's exactly one of those John Daly types.

Yes. Unbelievable. He calls it the Mickey Mantle gene. Silly Bert. You can kind of see him serving there. I can't believe that Tom broke both his arm and his leg, though. That is so fucked. Wow.

Oh, he really is. Oh, he can play. You can see by his technique. Look at him there. His technique's excellent. And, you know, he runs, so his legs are probably in pretty decent shape. Even though he's kind of heavy, he can carry his body around wow kreischer versus segura apparently he just destroyed him winner takes all yeah not good not good for tom and tom has been boxing a lot and uh briefly the idea was a banter around i

go do you now you shouldn't fight him i go you guys shouldn't have a fight like that would be too weird like what if you one of you got knocked the fuck out like you don't want that like one of you gives the other one brain damage for the rest of the person's life they have an earache they have a headache it's no matter what bright lights hurt who do you think would do that to the other who do you think would win i don't want to say yeah you have to say we already know the answer one's a world-class athlete and the other can't move half his body right now world-class athlete is hilarious apparently tom broke his knee by dunking though apparently tom can dunk wow you don't believe it's a nine-foot hoop yeah how big was the trampoline no no i don't know if he had a trampoline either he didn't say that he just said it was a nine foot guy he's out there

like the phoenix suns gorilla mascot just well you know he's another guy that is capable of a lot more than people would uh think he uh when we were doing that fitness challenge, he had a day where he came back after being sick for like three days. He had the flu. So he was feeling like shit for like three days. And then he ran 13 and a half miles. Because he was trying to catch up. 13 and a half miles. Like, he's a strong fuck too.

Here's him doing deadlifts, right? Yeah. Is it training Tom Segura to beat Joe Rogan in Sober October? That's cute. That's hilarious. There was a talk about doing some sort of weightlifting competition, but I was telling them, I go, okay, but you've got to understand that we are old fucks.

And the idea of lifting the most weight, this is not working out. Okay. This is a competition. If you're just going to say who can lift the most weight, there's a considerable likelihood that someone's going to get hurt. So I think the idea wasn't that we would try to lift the same amount together. I think the idea was like we would find out where we're at, what's your max, and then you would add to it. The problem with that is

they're going to sandbag. They're going to pretend. Right. And yours is? They tried it out when we were drunk on Sober October. They all got under the bench. There was 225 pounds on the bench. None of those pipsqueaks

could lift 225 pounds. Really? Neither one of them pipsqueaks could lift 225 pounds really neither one of them none of them not the three of them they all got pinned there like just victims dying being crushed by the weight of 225 pounds but benching is a very specific thing if you don't do that and i don't even do that i do just two do pushups. I don't bench. When I bench, I've found I hurt my shoulders easier when I do a lot of bench pressing. I like to do dips and I like to do pushups and I'll do weighted pushups and I'll do elevated pushups, but I do a lot of pushups. It seems like there's something about that motion, like weighted with a lot of weight, a lot of guys wind up fucking up their shoulders.

I don't know what that is, you know, what the cause of it is. Some press, pressure on the tendons, just something about it. But it's a really common injury. And I know a lot of people that avoid it. They avoid bench pressing because of that. But not 225 pounds, you weak bitches. Right. I can put that up.

That's just, just throw it up. Yeah. I mean, I couldn't do it, but at my weight class, I should. That would be, that would be sort of an anomaly. Well, with Tom and Bert and those guys, it's basically their body weight. Right. It's a little bit more, it's a little bit less rather than their body weight. But if they wanted to do that, they would probably be really strong really quick

they're big dudes like they'd probably be stronger than me like pretty quickly they're both a lot bigger than me you know they're big dudes but to do it in a competition this was just what i was getting to like you're gonna get hurt if you just decide at 46 years old you're gonna lift the most amount you can like you're gonna blow something out like you're doing deadlifts like what's he got here that looks like three plates plus 50 so 315 365 that's a lot of weight he's strong as fuck like this watch this that's a lot of weight man wow look at him look at him go from bread lifts to dead lifts but my point is if we decided to do that as a competition if everyone was honest about how much they can actually weight uh lift and we try to do that as a competition there's a huge likelihood someone's gonna blow a knee out a huge likelihood someone's gonna tear their shoulder depends on what the

lifts are you know like clean and press you want to do olympic shit clean and press there's such a good chance that us old fucks are gonna blow our shoulders out or blow our backs out yeah that the other the sober october challenge that we did was a good one because it was just cardio it was just willpower it was just who's willing to do 80% of your max heart rate the longest. You guys didn't do that this year? No. No.

I was the only one who did the Sober October thing this year. And everyone mocked me. I did a podcast with Ari recently. He's like, you fucking loser. It's like, ah, you fucking idiot. Why did you do that? The whole month you were sober. Oh, good job

i've been deep into drinking the past month it's been so much fun just like better drinks i've gotten into uh cold sake nigiri drinking's fun yeah you ever have cold sake uh um yeah i've had sake a bunch of different ways. It's great. You know who got the most fit during Sober October was Ari. That was the most impressive. Ari became obsessed. He was really legitimately trying to win. And he got a six pack.

He lost a ton of weight. He became shredded. Towards the end of Sober October, one month, one month of hard training, Ari was shredded. If he just decided to work out all the time he'd be shredded did he stop doing uh yoga online i restarted that was doing a little bit when it started up that's not enough though he needs like real workouts like the kind of stuff he was doing online that's good but you need some weight lifting like as you get older one of the

good things about when you get older you lose uh bone mass look at him go there this is when we were at the studio we did a podcast then after the podcast he went and used the studio gym and he was training fucking 90 percent of his max heart rate on the rowing machine he was just savage he was really trying to win. Wow. It was fun. Three percent, bitch. How long is he out there? Hard work, motherfuckers. 18 minutes. Yeah.

He doesn't get extra points for 93% either. That says 18 hours. I don't know. He was doing it for a long time. I remember he did it most of the podcast. Look at his six pack. Look at him. Look at his six pack.

Dude, he's got a legitimate six pack. God damn, he's getting hard, folks. Hard. He was so driven you know what he figured out that it helped all of us movies you watch movies where you're doing cardio you don't even notice you're doing cardio really yeah big difference interesting huge difference if you watch a fun movie i watched so many movies during that Sober October challenge because I just put my elliptical in front of the TV and I had the Apple TV.

I just started watching movies. I watched like, I don't know how many movies. I watched a shitload of movies. I watched a lot of fights and I watched John Wick a hundred times. Wow.

Really? Yes. I don't know how many times I watched the scene where he kills everybody in the bathhouse the russian nightclub is that the most recent one no it's john wick one the original the og he goes to the red circle bar and there's this uh russian bathhouse in the basement and he uh gets in there and fucking spoiler alert kills everybody

wow it's such it's a wild fucking scene, man. And it's so hyper-violent, so hyper-crazy that it just gets my adrenaline going. This is a scene in the bathroom. The movie is a masterpiece of violence. It's a masterpiece of violence. Because it's just crazy enough in every way that you start rooting for this complete psycho to kill

everybody to get to this guy who killed his dog and stole his car he's literally killing a hundred people in this movie just to get the one guy who stole his car and killed his dog this is what the movie's about yeah it's It's an American masterpiece. Yeah. It's a masterpiece, this fucking movie. I didn't get to see two, but I saw three on an airplane. Watch this scene right here.

Looks over at the guy he's supposed to kill. That guy shoots the guard, points the gun at him, doesn't shoot him, and kills the other guy in front of him. Watch this. Boom! Just made the dude put his gun down by pointing a gun at him doesn't shoot him and kills the other guy in front of him watch this boom just made the dude put his gun down by pointing a gun at him there was so this movie was fucking wild dude wow there's so much violence in this movie this movie's the craziest most violent masterpiece ever and for like workouts this these scenes are so insane

there's so much action and violence packed in these scenes when you're doing cardio you're like you're just complete like you're completely lost in the the pace of the movie. So, like, you're at 179 beats a second, and you just keep going. You don't even notice it. Damn. Literally, the movie is fuel. He just goes through this nightclub killing everybody, man.

I mean, spoiler alert, this is a wild fucking murderous movie. There's my boy Tate Fletcher. Shout out to Tate. Tate Fletcher gets killed in so many movies I love. he's running out he's here he's here and then they go looking for john wick and he's running on the hall just fucking shooting everybody look at this bro wow i mean are you fucking kidding me where when has there ever been a movie like this this is the crazy it took every movie and every violent, crazy, psychopathic movie

and just jacked that motherfucker up to 10. It's a masterpiece, man. It's fucking incredible. It's like that one scene from The Matrix where they go into the thing, but the whole movie three times. It's amazing. It's an amazing movie. It's the best, most violent movie ever the other ones are really good too i mean i enjoyed two and i enjoyed three but if

it's number one for me guns are pretty i mean like when it comes to violence though i would take the crazy 88 scene from kill bill over a gun shooting thing because like the slicing and actual blood that happens from a hattori hanzo sword night and day difference like i love the movements i get it but i still would have to put i still have to put kill bill ahead of most of these things is my favorite fight scene that's not a bad fight scene you got a good point it's a wild fight scene yeah maybe i should switch it up start watching this scene the noises in this the sound the music i think there's like three four five different songs that happened during this insane stuff and you know uh i read that uh they had to make it black and white this part so that it could stay rated r and not nc 17 because there's so much blood

during this part they should release the director's cut where it's it's red i've seen it it's actually there's his original print is called uh kill bill a whole bloody affair and i think it's only been shown literally like 15 times jesus christ he just she just chopped that dude's head off and he's spraying all over the place it's just so cartoonish, man. So good. Yeah, old school kung fu style. You have to suspend both. Oh, my God.

I forgot how good this is, dude. Yeah, it's crazy. Tony Hinchcliffe, good call. This lasts forever. Good call. Remember, when you watch this, sound up because it's incredible strategically what happens here. Anyway, they had to turn the lights off. And you remember coming up, she flips a switch.

Hold up. Pause, please. Back that up a little bit. Let's cover this real quick. How the fuck does she jump all the way up there like it's nothing? But then when she gets to the top, she can barely make it over the edge. Watch this. Look at this. Leaps to the top like it's nothing but then when she gets to the top she could barely make it over the edge watch this look at this leaps to the top like it's nothing look at this and then massive struggle well that makes sense though arms are tired from off of a sword i mean it gave her a big boost she the way she leaped up there and the way she grabbed on her arms and threw herself like she's

just gonna go over it with ease and then all of sudden, she's actual Uma Thurman making it over the wall. The magic sword did it. Fuck out of here, bro. Watch this. Look, right here. Look at the struggle. Watch the sword. Her arms are tired.

But watch this. Look at this. Makes it more realistic. Shows that she's still a human. She's in the middle of fucking sword fights. She would be jazzed up, but then she can move amazingly, right? I forgot how wild this is. Look at that guy.

He jumps to the top. He just floated up there. Why not? Fuck it. Have him fly. You make the rules if you're making the movie, right? You make a movie, you can have all sorts of ridiculous things happen. You can have people with a time machine that bring people back from the dead

that you thought were dead. I saw this yesterday. Christopher Nolan was a little upset that all these people that have movies that they've made uh i guess they're already done but they went in making them with the intentions of them being in the theater and now yeah he's mad at warner brothers or hbo max is gonna put them all out online he's mad they're gonna do that sort of i mean he's i guess he's sticking up for the other directors who maybe don't have a voice, but I don't know. What's your feelings on that?

It's good to see them. Yeah, you get to see them. Better than being shelved. Yeah, I mean, I get it. If you're watching on a TV and you're at home and the sound's not good, it's not the full experience that the person created when they made the movie. But you kind of know that. But I really like seeing movies in the theater with the sound. Oh, yeah.

At least action movies, I should say. Oh, yeah. It's almost pointless to see it at home. And comedies, in a lot of ways, it's like there's a lot more when you see it with other people laughing. It's just like an audience at a comedy club. I went to see something about Mary. I'll never forget this.

You know Steve Sharippa from The Sopranos? Yeah. like an audience at a comedy club like i went to see something about mary i'll never forget this because uh you know steve sciarrappa from the sopranos yeah steve sciarrappa from the sopranos described it best he goes it was like a comic killing it's like it it was when he when she had the jizz in her hair yeah the the the laugh from the audience was so intense it was like a comic killing yeah it was it was like it was different than any other movie that was funny it was it hit another level like it was so funny i remember my sister standing up from sitting next to me during home alone like we had not you couldn't we couldn't even imagine anything like that that many gags one after the other when he really set up the house and joe pesci and what's his name um i mean it was just crazy chaos one after the other when you realize that it's just joke joke joke joke joke joke joke but you you laughed a lot

more because there was a large audience you know there was something about the large audience like having a bunch of people laughing in a theater together. How long is it going to be before we can do that again? When are they going to say it's okay to go in a crowded movie theater and scream? They've closed a bunch of them.

Forever. For sure. Those are giant facilities. Huge. And companies that do movie theaters went under. Can you imagine you have hundreds of employees, and then all of a sudden you can't work for a year? You just go, what do we do? We can't do anything.

What do you mean we can't do anything? Let's do something. Nope. How about we have 10 people in a movie theater? Nope, they won't let you. They won't let you have 10 people. Can I have 10 people 20 feet apart? No.

Can't have that. What is apart? No. You can't have that. What is it? I did. Here. Yeah. A couple months ago, yeah. But here's different, man. I'm telling you, here represents a more accurate version of the actual virus.

It's not like everybody's completely dismissive. Everywhere you go, people are wearing masks. People are taking precautions. You go to restaurants, they check your temperature. They take your information down in case you do get sick. They have contact tracing. You get asked, have you had contact with someone within the last, I think they say the last 14 hours or something like that, or four days. I i forget there's a four in there but they uh they just they basically do their best to keep the business open and at the same time be safe they don't want to die they don't want to get sick but they're also realizing for most people it's not that it's not the this

horrible pandemic that they thought it was going to be it still sucks it's still not good but it's not what they thought it was going to be but they're still behaving thought it was going to be. It still sucks. It's still not good, but it's not what they thought it was going to be, but they're still behaving like it was going to be what they thought it was going to be. We're like 10% of the population's dead. Right. You know, that was what we were.

I remember being fucking terrified in the beginning and just really nervous, but also ironically now thinking people are going to come together with this. It's going to make people come together. Nope. Nope. I think it would have if it wasn't for the close downs. I really do. I think there's something about, there's a feeling of helplessness that comes from being told you can't work,

told you can't go anywhere, you can't go golfing. You can't go golfing you can't go golfing so you can't do something you do outside in the sun where it's been proven that the coronavirus dies in the sun yeah there's no night golfing right am i right right yeah yeah well then what the fuck and they even they made changes to things like there's this thing now on the on the stick that's in the hole yeah to where there's a little thing there, a little ledge. And you can, with your putter, lift it up. And there's a bottom of the cup that lifts up as well.

And your ball just rolls out to you. So they even found a way to take the one thing that you might touch out of it. It's so frustrating. Yeah. And it's so frustrating yeah and it's also frustrating there's not there's not a lot the same approach to all activities like you can protest and everyone thinks you're doing a good thing no one says hey this is a legitimate protest but we should be really careful about spreading this disease right on the contrary they say things that they yell things yeah over each other's shoulders again and again in a loud

volume over and over and over and over and over again which again i am 100 fine with i'm for it i want you to be able to speak your mind and if you think there's something wrong in the world speak your mind however once we do that once we have 60,000 people in downtown LA once you have all these people how about you just if you let people make that choice everybody there knows this is a COVID pandemic everybody there made a choice that is more important to them to protest than it is to like really keep it safe and keep away from crowds right we support their decision to do that why can't other people do that in other things why is it only a protest where you're allowed to everybody get together why can't you decide what you do and

what you don't do with your own health in your own life because you can in all these other way well the thing to get you with is because you could spread it to someone else. So it's like, wow, we're losing everything on that. We're losing everything on this one thing, that you can be responsible and get it and spread it to someone else. I could. Or I could be forced to stay home for a year and lose everything I've ever worked for and maybe be suicidal.

That's possible too. And they didn't consider that part of it. They only considered the one part. They considered the one part like someone could spread it. Okay, let's shut it down. Hold on. No one was there going, wait a minute. How are these people going to eat?

How are these people going to pay their rent? Who are we to tell 20 million people you can't go to work i was thinking the other day that they should give a fat stimulus check to the people that have serious pre-existing conditions that are affected by this and everyone else yeah work yeah all the way open all the way up do not hang out with those people if you're around other people take 14 days sorry people with pre-existing conditions but this is going to a little bit extra suck for you while we make make make sure that our money stays money it could have been done yeah it could have been done i don't know if there's a real way you can make the people

stay home though the people with pre-existing conditions they might be like fuck you i'm gonna go out anyway that's the thing is like is it okay to be irresponsible normally yes but is it okay to be irresponsible now no but we got a bunch of people that are just always irresponsible. And now all of a sudden you're saying you got to get your shit together because there's a pandemic. I understand that you want them to get their shit together, but people don't get their shit together that easily. Right. But do you let them just fuck up and let the disease burn itself through the population? disease burn itself through the population? Or do you let the government shut everything down,

and then you have a disease of poverty burning through the entire population? You have a disease of despair. There's a lot of other things that aren't good besides just the illness. The question is, like, what's the balancing point, right? Like, how much illness do we have to stop, and how much business do we have to keep open, and where like the where is it at its healthiest and i don't think anybody knew that coming in and i don't think anybody's ever really looked at it that way they or they don't discuss it that way they only discuss the the bad aspects of not not locking down the bad aspects of not stopping all travel and stopping all non-essential businesses, stopping the golfing. There's something happening on those golf courses, and people are dying.

We need to stop all the golfing. How many people have died from golfing from the pandemic? Four? I mean, maybe, but that seems like it could be a stretch, even though old guys do love golfing. They do. They're good at it, too. Jamie, what do you think the number is of dudes that have been killed while golfing?

What are you looking? I say it's four. Four people. What do you think? I'll say seven. Seven. Even though I also think. I just looked. It said said that or maybe it's

certain courses i guess it says you can golf in la la what tony is this all fugazi they canceled our reservations we were on public courses maybe yes so maybe certain courses or something but oh so the private courses yeah if they couldn't adhere to the rules here's what i think it is private courses you can only golf with people in your household that's what they change which by the way makes it impossible to golf there's i'm sure this week there's thousands of groups of guys probably different races and everything showing up saying hey, hey, we're all roommates at... Yeah, we're all brothers and sisters.

Yeah. Under God. But that's what they said, is you can golf with people that you live with, which is, again, that doesn't make sense. Just test everybody. Just test them when they get there. You know?

You want people to be able to golf? Just test them. I feel like this is all shit that makes sense if you're talking about it in March. But when we're all the way here in December of the following year, I mean the same year, but I mean we're like almost 2021. And there's things we could work out that we could handle better. They have to take into consideration the consequences of stopping things, not just of stopping you from doing things and the negative that comes from you doing these things. You have to take into consideration what happens when you stop those things.

Where do those people get the food from? Where do those people get the money from? How many people are involved in this business? How many people are supported by this one restaurant? All their food, all their home, their housing, everything they buy, vacations, they go all from this one restaurant. Might be 100 people, man. And then what about those people? How are they going to pay their rent?

How's the landlord going to pay his rent or his mortgage if no one pays rent? No one has any money. How far does this bubble out when you got a 30 unemployment rate how far does this bubble out when 40 of the restaurants go under 50 of the restaurants go under like how far does it go and have you guys calculated this or have you only calculated deaths or have you only calculated hospital beds have you only calculated icu and that's important shit to calculate don't get me wrong it's very important to calculate but there was never a discussion of both things there was only discussion of what's the negative aspect of people going to work do we have to flatten the curve the

flatten the curve shit was supposed to be two weeks two weeks remember that yeah yeah here we are it's fucking december yeah dude it's what is it today? The 8th? Yeah. December 8th. What the fuck? And no hospital ever reached capacity. No one went without what they needed to, right? And there's a curfew. Explain that. What happens after 10?

What happens that leads you to be able to tell people that they can't be out? That they have to be home? Who the fuck are you? Like, why can you tell them that they can be home because there's a virus you already told them they can't work so now you tell them they can't go out yeah they can't just go somewhere they have to stay home and somehow that's going to stop the virus at 10 only at 10 not at 9 15 not at 10 35 not at 11 15 don't tell governor, but a few nights ago, the night that I drove here, I left at 10.30. Oh my God.

Can you believe that? I think you're allowed to leave at 10.30. What is the fucking rule? Like, is it, what happens if you're out there and it's past 10? It's just a thing to like mess with people's minds. Bro, imagine being a cop now this is the roughest year ever to be a cop yeah ever i pulled up next to one the other day at a red light and i can't remember how we got into i think my window was down or something and i'm like

hey what's up nice car and i go uh yeah if you ever see it don't give me don't give me a ticket and he goes don't worry man we don't we don't even worry about that stuff anymore i bet they don't the light turned green and i went i bet they just peeled out of there no i'm kidding but uh goodbye his donuts if you really think about it, that's probably the last thing they want to do is pull someone over for speeding now. Yeah. I mean, especially after those two cops got shot in the face just sitting in their car, just totally unrelated to any incident.

Somebody walked up and just shot two cops in the face in L.A. It's a rough year for being a cop. I get it. I get it. I understand why people are upset. Don't get me wrong. But man, you need cops. You guys are crazy if you don't think we need cops.

They definitely need better training. 100%. Yeah. LA County Sheriff. Deputies won't enforce Newsom's stay-at-home order. Sheriff Villanueva. Villanue-home order. Sheriff Villanueva said businesses have been through enough. He's right. Fuck yeah, he's right.

I'm with that guy. It's crazy. Let them stay open, man. If people are vulnerable and they don't want to go out, they can stay home. But you can't make people stay home. You can't make people not keep their businesses open. You can have rules. Masks make sense.

Filtration systems make sense. Temperature checks make sense. Contact tracing makes sense. All that stuff makes sense. But telling a person like your dad who's had a business for 30 fucking years, all of a sudden you got to shut it down for a year like that's crazy if you're going to do that you got to put some something in place to freeze rent for all these different people that it should be the moment the government

tells you that you can't work your rent is frozen right and that rent is paid by the government if you can't pay the rent then you can't tell someone they can't work because you've set into motion something you like i created a problem for you you figure it out the government's not supposed to be in the business of creating problems for you right it's supposed to be in the business of managing things and making life better for you in some way by good decisions that's not a good decision yeah it's a terrible decision. And there's no protection on people for losing their homes.

No protection on people for getting evicted. No protection on people for getting their house repossessed. And they expected these folks to just figure it out. Figure it out. The repercussions are going to be insane. We have not begun to see it yet. Especially the second lockdown. This is just beginning.

All these people that worked in restaurants, the few people on a staff that were lucky enough to get shifts on the limited basis of everything, limited tables, limited business, are now not working. They were the lucky ones. They were the senior employees probably 10 15 20 years more more at a restaurant and all a lot of these people in the service industry drink and treat themselves like it's like part of that side of the business you know what they should do really wake everybody up you really think that you should shut down all these businesses that aren't essential how about shut everything down shut everything down shut everything down gas stations supermarkets supply train everything shut everything down

then you realize how crazy what you're doing is yeah but whitney cummings got in trouble for a tweet that she made um yesterday she's like i'm getting canceled for this stupid fucking tweet but it was it totally made sense she's like all these uh rich progressive people that want to keep everything shut down except delivery drivers, hospital employees, Uber drivers, Postmates, people working at supermarkets, nannies, she listed all these things. These people have to work. It's so true. The people that, and again, I get it.

I'm not a person that's in the position that I'm talking about. So I'm talking about this just out of consideration. But if a person can't work and the other person that's telling them they can't work has no financial repercussions at all. And is working while telling them to not work. Is working while telling them to not work and in many cases even going on vacations and doing things, going to restaurants while telling people to never go out. Like it's madness and it's going to erode the confidence that people have in government in a way that we've never seen before because government has never taken your whole livelihood away from that many people

government has never made decisions that force people to lose their life's work in the in a few months it has now and so these people that you thought were buffoons but they didn't affect your life directly now have radically affected millions of people's lives directly with their incompetence and their lack of sight, their lack of foresight, their lack of vision, the lack of understanding. There's consequences to both things. You only keep talking about this one thing. You're not talking about the consequences of the economic impact on these people. There are serious health consequences to poverty, right? There's serious health consequences to the stress of losing a business that you've worked for for 30 years. Mental health problems, drug addiction problems,

suicide, all these things are upticking. And if you were an accountant, if you wanted to bring them to court, you would go, look, we're going to just show you the impact of these decisions, and you'd map it out as a case against their decision. Like, look at the impact of these decisions. And look at the financial impact. Look at all the decision like look at the impact of these decisions and look at the financial impact look at all the suicide look at the uptick in suicides look at the uptick in drug addiction look at the uptick in all these different things violent crime murder harms all these different things armed robbery you show the uptick and then you say look what you've done look what you did you looked at one side of it you talked about

one side of it you never talked about one side of it. You never even discussed remotely the consequences for these people that did nothing wrong who were going to lose everything. And there's no aid. $1,200 check once. Some companies got aid. Some companies got some loans to try to take care of their employees and stay afloat. Some big companies. They served a lot of large corporations.

They didn't serve small businesses. Right. They ignored a lot of small businesses. It's dark, dude. It shows people one thing, though, that's really important. It shows you how important real leadership is and how rare it is. People with character. It's one of the things i love about dan crenshaw he's a navy seal man right okay he's he's got real character like it's real

like you meet enough of those guys to become a navy seal to be a goggins to be a jocko you're gonna be an extraordinary human to be an andy stump you're gonna be an extraordinary human to be an Andy Stump. You've got to be an extraordinary human. It's not a regular person. It's a person with intense discipline, the ability to push through when other people would quit. That's a Dan Crenshaw. That's a real leader. So we've got a lot of fake leaders. We've got a lot of leaders that they auditioned for roles that nobody wanted.

They went out there and they got jobs that some people wanted of course other people wanted to be mayor of los angeles but exceptional people like really intelligent successful people no they make more money doing other things and they have other interests they don't do it so you get these people that make these decisions and they they're not necessarily in the stiffest fucking competition you know know, there's not a whole lot of people vying to be the mayor of Ventura. You know, how many people are there, right? But you can make decisions if you're in a...

I don't mean to pick on the mayor of Ventura. I don't even know who the fuck it is. But you can make decisions if you're a governor of a state. That can affect millions of people in a negative way. You can make poor decisions. You can decide that you're going to start locking people up who go to the park. You can decide that.

You can decide that. And you're going to do it for the safety of the people. That's not your job. It's never been your job. It's never been your job to tell people when they have to go to bed or when they have to be home. It's never been your job. Yeah, we realized with this whole pandemic thing how powerful i

think a lot of people realize how powerful governors actually are state to state to state and it made me wish this time made me wish that we had that california had schwarzenegger now i would have loved to have seen how he handled this whole thing maybe we can start a campaign to bring him back can he be governor again how's that work that's a good question jerry brown did it jerry brown was governor way back in the disney you're right yep because jerry brown was governor back when he was running for president opposite bush senior and ron paul no no no, not Ron Paul. Excuse me. The guy I think of when I think of Ron Paul.

The old dude who ran for president, who was an oil guy. God damn it, Jamie. Ross Perot. Ross Perot. Thank you. Thank you very much. I know how he talks. Explain to you about IRS.

This is how it works. That guy took so many votes away from Herbert Walker Bush that he wound up losing to Clinton. So Jerry Brown was in the primary. He was running for president but didn't get the nomination. That was around the same time as Ross Perot and Herbert Walker Bush.

And they think that Clinton won won and that hw didn't win re-election because ross perot took so many votes i voted for ross perot yeah ross perot was the fucking man everybody was like pumped up about ross perot yeah he was like the cool guy yeah it's like the original bernie he was uh well he was a businessman and and he explained taxes in a one-half-hour program. Is that available online? Can someone watch the Ross Perot? I bet it's on YouTube. YouTube has everything.

But he did this explanation. He bought a whole half-hour of television, primetime TV, pre-internet, and just had a fucking piece of cardboard and explained everything. And at the end of it, primetime TV, pre-internet, and just had a fucking piece of cardboard and explained everything. And at the end of it, you're like, what? Like, dude, back then, nobody understood taxes. Right. Now people kind of get it's horseshit.

They get the Federal Reserve's nonsense. This is nonsense. Like, what? Interest? What? How much debt? What? What is inflation?

What does all this mean what are we doing what's the stock market but he was explaining it to the whole country and lemmings like me were like i'm in ross perot's a rebel you know it's probably like 22 i was an idiot i gotta pee you knew i could tell i could tell i could tell you had a look at your face. I'm like, you got to pee, don't you? I should have asked. Fuck. Jerry Brown was the governor twice. Yeah.

He was a governor in the 80s, and then he was a governor again recently, before Gavin Newsom. Correct. Until 2019. I'm on the Wikipedia for it, which is probably not the best place to find the law, but it's not listed on here. How many terms did he do back in the Dizzee? So the most you could do at once for sure is just like the president where you can do eight years consecutive.

Take two back-to-back terms. But can you do it again later? I mean, he did. Maybe Arnold can too. I'm trying to figure out maybe there's a length. Why not? I've learned. Time has to go in between. I've gotten better. I'm sorry. figure out Maybe there's a length Why not? I've learned Time has to go in between

I've gotten better I'm sorry I've been naughty Nixon was the only one That was an unsuccessful Candidate for governor In California That won

Presidential Whoa He lost in 62 To Jerry Brown's father Pat Brown And then when President I don't know enough

About Nixon I don't know enough About himixon i don't know enough about him yeah he seems like an odd dude hunter s thompson always hated him which makes him funny but the uh the actual human like what he did if that happened today he was uh spying on his rivals right they were they bugged watergate right that was what it was about if that happened today would anybody even bat an eye i mean honestly didn't the obama administration spy on the trump administration i would say yes but they like if taking their side of it they had a reason to do it because they were told you need to check into this for these reasons so like they didn't just say hey he's my opponent let's go fucking look

right they thought that he was in collusion with russia correct yeah but still is that is that okay you know i mean that's not okay, but what Nixon did... That's okay, but what Nixon did is not okay. Because Nixon did it to a guy... They were looking for dirt. Is that what it was? And Nixon wasn't... No, Nixon was the president.

That's why it was the issue. Because he had the power to do it. In the Obama administration, he was president while Trump was president-elect. But Obama was not up for re-election. Right. And Nixon was. Okay.

Yeah, that makes it different. Obama was the best president ever in terms of how he came off. Yeah. He's a goat in terms of speeches. Celebrity president. Celebrity. Also, the most composed. He felt like a president he felt like a guy who was way smarter

than you like who's gonna handle it he would he would give speeches the way he would talk and it was like it was commanding big and then w was the most hilarious because like he would just be buffoonery but we ain't seen shit until this biden presidency this is gonna be did that w movie come out while he was still there or did that come out after the fact that's a good question probably after right who did did josh brolin played him yeah he was unbelievable in it john brolin's a beast man he's danos bro you saw biden broke his foot just talking to people his foot just snapped is that what the president i thought he said that he grabbed his dog's tail while he was in the shower did

you see this ask him tomorrow it'll be a new story bro we ain't seen shit let me tell you something as stand-up comedians we just hit the lottery we hit the lottery because two things are happening that's beautiful one trump is gone here's why that's good because these people that thought that trump was the root of all problems right now have to face up to real problems yep now i have to realize like oh that guy was annoying and i didn't like the way he talked but he wasn't the problem the bureaucracy the system the crud the fucking swamp the the wars the endless wars that the fucking industrial military industrial complex that's the problem when this guy becomes president and then and now the jokes will free flow they will free flow because people will have

gotten rid of the bad man there won't be a bad man anymore there'll just be a guy who's falling apart and then they're gonna tell you you can. There'll just be a guy who's falling apart. And then they're going to tell you you can't make fun of him while he's falling apart because it's rude. You're like, hey, you got to get him out of there then. Get him out of there and I'll stop making fun of him. But you can't. You know what's going on.

Either it doesn't make sense or it does make sense. So if I make fun of Barack Obama the way I make fun of Joe Biden, it wouldn't work. If I said to you, think obama is like going with a bad flashlight on a long walk in the woods you'd be like that doesn't make any sense but when i say it about biden that it's like taking a flashlight with a bad battery and going for a long walk in the woods you're like yeah it is yeah it is you know he's not gonna make it to eight years you fucking know it right you fucking know it but. You know he's not going to make it to eight years. You fucking know it. Right. You fucking know it.

But if I said that about Obama, it wouldn't make any sense at all. Right. Right? Jokes work because they work. Yeah. They work because they make sense. And if they don't make sense, they don't work. So if people start saying that we can't make fun of Joe Biden because it's rude or it's

able, so you got to get him out of that job then because you know what's going on. These jokes work because they're accurate. The more people mocked him during the campaign, the best at it, fucking for sure, is Kyle Dunnigan. Without a doubt. He's the GOAT. Yeah. He's the GOAT.

Yeah, it's unbelievable. He does so many different people. And the Biden is off the charts. So good. You know, he said he has to do some fucked up things to his voice to get it that way and like he can't talk afterwards wow he's to fuck his voice up to hit that that tone that biden is that's so cool that's so awesome play it play the best deal man you go from the beginning spacex spacex launch uh

cool elon joy beer wish you a congratulations on your face space launch eric a big deal man SpaceX launch. Oh, cool. Elon, Joey B here. Wish you a congratulations on your FaceSpace launch, Eric. Big deal, man. FaceSpace. No, not FaceSpace. SpaceX. Not SpaceX. SpaceX launch. Oh, cool.

Sorry, who is this? Joey B, former vice principal under Barack Toboggan. Come on, man. President of RICT. Oh, cool. Sorry, I'm distracted with COVID-19. Kids will do that to you. I think you think of my son AXF-12.

COVID-19 is different and very much not very cool. Well, take care of them all, man. Hey, wait a minute. I got to congratulate Elon. No, you're a bad dude. Remind me of Corn Pop. Got a razor blade in his shoe, was it? No, not Corn Pop. Frankenberry. If it soaks up all the milk. What, you're a bad dude. Remind me of Corn Pop. Got a razor blade in his shoe. No, not Corn Pop.

Frankenberry. If it soaks up all the milk. Look. What are you talking about? Count Choculo is a good cop. I've got four million grandkids. No, not billion. Four.

No, not billion. Four or five. Forty-five. How about a fifty-five? How about a seventy-five? Give me the seventy-five. Sold to Barack Obama. Did he just auction off his grandkids?

Is he dead? God damn it. Elon, enjoy your beer. Incredible. How good is that? He's so talented. He's another guy, but he did this before COVID, but he's another guy who's figured out

a complete new wrinkle in social media he's figured out a way to do top flight comedy writing and little sketches but get them all within a minute, minute and a half punches them up big time Barack toboggan come on man

we're going to have some fun times with this guy as long as China doesn't take over. I don't want to learn Chinese. I don't want the government watching everything I do. That seems annoying. And this all happened right when Hong Kong was protesting.

What do we do? What do we do? What do we do? Are you worried? A little bit. Everyone has to be. What do we do? Are you worried? I'm not. I mean. A little bit. A little bit.

I mean, everyone has to be. Are you worried, Jamie? Well, I mean, more about this stuff. What stuff? That Galactic Federation. Oh, yeah. That was coming up. Yeah. And why they won't talk about it or will talk about it.

Former Israeli space security chief says extraterrestrials exist and Trump knows about it. A galactic federation has been waiting for humans to reach a stage where we will understand what space and spaceships are. How do you say his name? Chaim Eshed said, I can help everybody. Me. Mushrooms. does everybody get on mushrooms all of us the whole planet one day one day let's take a day off you want to really take a day off take a day off everybody mushrooms the aliens will just start landing they'll start landing they'll pop out of nowhere thin air just appear football fields i was once almost positive that there was one of those.

And it turns out that I found out the next day it wasn't a spaceship, but that a father and a son in the distance were playing with two lightsabers. But once in Joshua Tree, I was positive that I saw UFO land. Red and green lights. And then they told me I was tripping my balls off. Yeah, that's a little different. Maybe it was a UFO too. Maybe the UFO only comes out when you're tripping

and you want to see a UFO because you saw lasers. It'll just show up. Weird stuff does pop up when on mushrooms though. Oh, for sure. I think you hit a weird frequency where you tuned into other dimensions. You know ari started shroom fest shroom fest one we celebrated at the comedy store condo in la jolla it was me him uh matt edgar and i think damadonia anyway we fasted we didn't eat anything we had a we grinded up a bunch of mushrooms mixed them with orange juice we did

all the research on how mushrooms can hit you the hardest anyway a few hours in we're standing out on that patio and you know how traffic walking traffic comes on the both sides and far away in the distance we see these like super crazy lights and they're coming closer and closer and as we as it got closer we realized that it was a family a father a mother son, and a daughter who were tiny kids. And they're all covered from head to toe in different lights and multicolored lights and things because they sell them straight off of their body to people on the beach. But you should have seen us holding on to the deck for that 45 minutes that it took for them to get to us. It was,

and then as they're walking by and you realize, Oh my God, this is a family. This is how they make their money. They must walk the entire way. They've been doing this for a long time. That's hilarious. I wonder how much money they make.

They must be struggling. Maybe they're rich, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, just illegal. Yeah. Illegal. Mushrooms are the best. Maybe they're rich, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, just da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.

Illegal. Yeah. Illegal. Mushrooms are the best. There's a lot of lessons in those things. We saw an evergreen growing out of a rock one time. We found one in Joshua Tree. How so?

I don't know. You mean a rock and then the evergreen was wrapped around the rock? On top of it, yeah. Found just enough roots. Yep. Got all the way to the dirt. Huh. Somehow, someway through the rock. How weird.

Yeah. Did you take a picture of it? I once looked it up and I found it. I once Googled because I assumed other people would have seen it at some point because it wasn't that far from our campsite in Jbo rock i think it was in joshua tree and uh so i googled joshua tree evergreen out of rock or something like that did you ever go to the rainwood uh the redwood forest rather no i never made it there i really wanted to though it's very interesting yeah they're so big they're so big it's weird there's one of them that uh they i think more than one but one that i went to that

they cut a hole through it let cars drive through it and i remember it from when i was a kid that we had visited when i was a kid like really young like seven and then um when i went to it again as an adult i remember thinking what a weird thing that they did they took this insanely big tree it's so big somebody was like i think we got a fucking car through there and the other one was like let's do it so they literally cut a hole in this life form and they left just enough to keep it alive but it has this massive scar and these little little primates get in their metal boxes and roll through the hole. That's why they did it. That's it right there, yeah.

Crazy. It's weird, man. It's weird because you get inside of it and you're just like, was this worth it? No. It's strange that people would want to drive a car through it and then someone wouldn't go, hey, hey, stop. No.

I got an idea. How old is that 4 000 years old let's dig a hole in it and drive cars to be shit they thought about instagram before instagram existed this is what you have to think who gave a fuck if you drove through that tree wow look at that this happened in the 20s or something Look at that But that just affirms It should really just show you How slow these goddamn trees grow If you think about the fact That that was, when did they do it? I don't know, I just saw a horse and buggy going through it

So it might have been done even before that Oh my god Oh my god, that's crazy But that might have been at the same time because photographs weren't until the mid-1800s right i know we went over this before when's the photograph was like 1850 or something depends on what the photograph is you want to consider a photograph but they've been able to copy stuff with light and shit like that on like 10 for a little while not 200, but longer than you might think.

But I thought like the- 1881. That was when it was cut? Yeah. Wow. Imagine having that shitty job with the tools that you had in 1881. An ice pick and a hammer. Every day.

Enlarging an existing scar, it says. Oh, so there was an existing scar, it says. Oh. So there was an existing scar. Yeah, that's what they said after they got shamed for it. It was already cut. I just made it big enough for my truck. It's such a douchey human move to drive a hole

through a tree. But even with the hole in it, it's so impressive. They're so big. It's weird. It's like, you know, you put your hands on it and you look around and you're like, wow.

Wow. I think I took pictures. See my Instagram back in the dizzay. You know someone's going to make a meme because of this with the big black guy

with his dick hanging out and there's going to be a car driving through the bottom of it. It's almost time to get to the first photograph. 1826. Wow. I think it was that thing or whatever that is actually. That blurry piece of shit.

I want my money back. That's a zero megapixel camera. Cameras today on phones are so ridiculous. You know, you know how people have a hard time taking photos of the moon you ever try to take a photo of the moon that's right i mean yeah yeah well galaxy note 20 actually has a moon mode huh yeah the the menu terms at first of the camera is incredible but the the customization the menu is pretty the samsung does a really good job

with that giving you like not just really good cameras but a bunch of different ways you can fuck around with your camera like built into the camera app and one of them is moon mode they're like a moonshot mode and so through that it adjusts the aperture so you could take a photo of the moon and it actually looks like the moon. See if you can find out. The first one that came up, it wasn't a good picture. It was almost like... Still not like what you could do with your camera. You've seen what the fucking moon looks like.

You've seen tons of pictures, so it's like, how do I know this one was taken with that? On the drive out here, we had one of those nights where it came over that ledge, and it was like Joe versus the volcano style. It was massive. Bro, that is really good are you kidding me i don't that's a photo from a cell phone of the moon that's incredible that's the

part of like it says it is all these lies you don't know if it is it could i'm just gonna assume it is let's just go with it is i'm going with you man it's more fun to think they're full of shit yeah i mean that's cgi bro that says it's a p40 eddie bra Bravo had a really good point. Eddie Bravo had a really good point. He goes, let me ask you this. Who took the picture of the spaceman in the Tesla flying over the Earth? Who took the picture? The camera they had on it. Dun, dun, dun. Yeah, they had a camera attached to it.

Hey, hey, you're ruining my fun. Well, I mean, it's an easy question. Eddie's under the assumption that there's a photographer out there like, I just got to do this one picture. Who took the picture? He thought we were both high at the time. I was like, hmm, I wonder. I wonder who took that picture.

I assumed there'd be an answer, but there he is. Listen, I'm not buying it, man. I'm not buying it. Come on. The side one. That was my favorite one. Who took that picture? Jamie.

I don't see a camera in the front either. How's this happening? That's a good point. Good point. Who's taking that one, Jamie? That's an amazing picture. Oh, there it is. No, you can see the bar there.

It wasn't even a picture, really. It was a live stream on YouTube. I took the same picture with my screenshot on my laptop. How can they live stream it? How can they do that? What do you mean? Yeah, that is true. They live stream the astronauts going there.

They just have a camera going. I know, but I mean, how does it get all the way down? How does it get all the way down to us? Data. They have a strong bandwidth pipe that no one else is allowed to use. And he can do that all the way up there with a car? Wouldn't you have to have additional equipment or anything? It's not still live.

No. Imagine it's a 24-hour spaceman cam you could tune into. You know what my favorite story was? That that was some guy who fucked Elon Musk's girlfriend. So he killed him, stuffed him in a space chute, shot him off into space which just hurls around infinity and i was like if that's true that's the best story i'd like that story to be true that's awesome ground control goodbye my idea friend yeah i read an article the other

day where someone was trying to make the argument that elon musk is an idiot wow that's a tough argument to make but it made me made me happy because it just goes to show you that no matter what there's someone out there that's going to call you an idiot yeah think about all the great things that bill gates has done in terms of like charitable foundations and all the the money they donated to try to help poor people. They've done a lot of really good things. But then a crazy rumor, a fake thing online would be about he's a pedophile or that he wants to kill children or that he wants to microchip you. And that's all you'll hear about. Forget about all the good things this guy did.

Elon Musk confirms, yes, I have lived in Texas. Wow, this is today. Wow, look at that. Yeah. Looks like I got here at the right time. Dude. What a brilliant move. I'm telling you, once we open up shop, once the comedy club's open, get that ball rolling.

Wild. We can do a lot of great stuff, man. We can do a lot of fun things. Yeah, because we can. Yeah, you can do things out here. We're do a lot of great stuff, man. We can do a lot of fun things. Yeah, because we can. Yeah, you can do things out here. We're physically allowed to. You're physically allowed to, and it's in the long run. Look, it's not good for anybody who lost loved ones,

and it's not good for anybody who lost businesses, but in the long run for us as comedians and as people that are kind of in custody of an art form that the custody should lie in the the people who make the art form in the dave chapelle's and the bill burr's and the tony hinchcliffe's and joey diaz's and all the people that make the art form are the ones that you want to be in control of the art form and in la we were all under there's always like this there's a part there's a prostitution aspect of it that exists when you're in that scene because it's i don't mean that in a bad way but i mean like in terms of you're going to sell yourself

for a television show you're going to sell yourself for a movie all those options are available and when those options are available the stand-up changes you know your willingness to take risks changes your your approach to the art form changes because you don't just think i'm just going to do the thing that i think is the most funny you're like oh will this get me in trouble will this stop me from getting cast in a movie will stop me from getting cast in a television show in a lot of cases it will if it's between you and some other guy, that's pretty good. But you said something crazy, all of a sudden that guy gets the role.

And you don't want the role. You want to be a comic. The roles are just some things they offer you while you're a comic, and you go, wow, if I do that, I can pay my bills. Or if I could do that, I don't have to worry about money. But this is a wake-up call for everybody that's a comic to let you know that the people that are in control of the art form are the people that make the art form we don't need a hub that's connected to another form of show business

being in a hub that's connected to uh television or or or film is silly like that's a different thing like if you want to do that thing that's thing. But the art form of stand-up comedy should be autonomous. It should not be connected to anything else other than itself. Yeah. With a live audience. For the same reason why we were talking about those conversations we had at dinner. Where we get together and we just make each other laugh. And how.

Yeah. Comics should be in control of how comedy gets formed and made and if we can be in control of a scene that would help so much you know it'd be 100 pro comic 100 uh encouraging people to do it have uh open mic nights with not a single consideration of the fact you're not going to make as much money as you would on a night without an open mic night because everybody said the reason why like if you go on the road some clubs don't have open mic nights right and they go well those lose money i go yeah but they make comedians and then you develop local talent and you have a scene like you're investing in the scene

yeah you have to invest in the scene and if you look at it only like scene like you're investing in the scene yeah you have to invest in the scene and if you look at it only like a business you're not going to invest in the scene so you'll take those mondays and those sundays and you'll turn those into headliner shows you go oh dl hugley's willing to come in monday night he's willing to come in and do two sold out shows are you going to do that or are you going to put up a show where there's a bunch of open micers? DL can go anywhere the fuck he wants. But if you want to create a scene, you better have an open mic show. You got to have an open mic show.

You have to have a community of people that are trying to get better. They push each other and they value good talent. And then people come into town and they get to see these people and they take them on the road. You'll say, hey, man, you're really good. Do you want to come with me to Ohio? Hey, have you ever worked at this guy's place? I'm going there. I'll give him your number.

Yeah. Critical. Yeah. Critical. I mean, even the improv and things like that, like I said, when we were doing them, we were standing outside at 4 to do the open mic at 6. It wasn't a real show. There couldn't even be an audience to come in

if they wanted to it was us yeah like even if it's just that that was enough for us to see if we missed one we were there every every tuesday or wednesday or thursday whenever it was at that time because it switched so many times and and i remember all of this so clearly because it was so critical it was so important because there is no other way. I remember finding out that there were, I didn't know how to become a comedian. No one does. There's no book.

There's no college, right? So it's like when I first started figuring it out and realizing like, oh, that's what an open mic is. It's not just like, I think I thought it was like just where you sang country music or something like oh that's where the music showcase but finding out that an open mic was also for comedy and finding out how it worked and you know and there's nobody that tells you how to write the jokes yeah there's no courses available online yeah i was telling, I was telling my friend the other day, cause we, we were walking by,

we were walking by this horrible location, La Brea and Santa Monica, where I, where I first lived when I was a comedian and my buddy, Matt Edgar, and I would go to that Starbucks, horrible location. And we did all the worst comedy writing you can ever imagine and i was telling i was telling her that we did everything completely backwards we were literally going well what do people think is funny what do people see let's see there's a dog so let's go people have dogs people walk dogs like we would we were just doing everything wrong. Wondering what everyone else thought was funny instead of what we thought was funny. You know what I mean?

Just completely backwards. But that intersection reminds me so deeply of being not only bad, but just completely unaware. Yeah. Complete opposite mentality. In fact, trying to think of what other people would think would be funny and trying to figure out how to get the laughs like it's like it's it's like a magic fairy dust

that you see occasionally at night and you try to catch it in a net like how do i get it how do i get those laughs maybe get a little bitty laugh and then the next show it's like a little better and then you bomb the next show after that like no you come off stage embarrassed just feeling terrible about yourself and the worst is when you you bomb and then someone goes on after you and kills and lets you know it's not the room it's you oh yeah oh i think i think maybe i told you this story before one of my first gigs on the road was opening up for Sam Tripoli. And halfway up on the trip, we were going to Modesto. And halfway up. And by the way, I'm intimidated at this time by Sam.

I am honored to have this gig. I think I'm going to get paid for this. I might get 20, 40, who knows, bucks. Like, this is crazy to me. So I'm pretty reserved and like just like chilling during this drive and halfway up i remember going what's this what is this gig that we're doing you said it was a private gig he goes yeah yeah bro it's a uh it's a convention for all the owners of 7-elevens i'm not good at impressions but he goes it's a it's a convention for all the 7-eleven

owners uh from all around the country and i laugh, I thought he was making a joke. I truly did. And I didn't want to follow up. Like, hey, you're kidding, right? Because I didn't want to be the annoying opener guy, right? You told me about this. And I swear to God, it actually was a convention of 7-Eleven owners from around the country. It was a nightmare. And I'm eating it. I mean, and I had to do like five minutes and he said I had to be clean literally I don't think I had 20 seconds of clean material to my name but I'm trying my best and there's only one laugh you can hear and it's from the back of the room and it's triply yeah and with the oldest camera phone this is like 13, 14 years ago. It's him and he's recording me.

I remember it was like a flip phone and him just laughing and recording. And I'm like, you got to be fucking kidding me. And by the way, my point with telling this story is guess what? He went up and within 20 seconds just smashed city. Everybody's turning their chairs around to face them. Like it was a debacle when i was up there just the hottest death only sam laughing and he went up there and just you know had him he because he actually was mentally prepared for a convention of 7-eleven owners so he's up there making jokes

like you guys are looking at me like i work at exxon mobile and he's just getting his huge laughs. He also was laughing because he knew we all go through that stage. We all go through that stage in the beginning. We're just not that good. We have bad moments, bad times. It's a beautiful art form that everybody's got their own path. You've got to figure it out. If you stick around long enough,

you'll find what's funny about what you think. You'll find what's funny about what you think. You'll find it. But it's not easy. It's not easy. It's a weird art form. And to have that art form being controlled by other people. One of the most brilliant things that Mitzi Shore ever did at the comedy store

is she let the inmates run the asylum. Yeah. You know, she really did she just let us run amok she just let us go on stage say whatever they want occasionally she didn't like some of my bits she'd tell me that was disgusting she had these ideas about uh putting you in tough spots You know which was very valuable Because everybody wants to do well People want to go on after people that aren't that good Because they don't want a lot of pressure

She would always put you in tough spots And she would let you just run amok And she let the comics Sort of Figure out how to do it on their own And that's Really what comedy needs. Like every comic, female, male, gay, straight,

they all need to figure out what it is about what the way they think, like what's the best way to optimize their thoughts to get it out there and find out what is it about what they see and think and say that's really funny. And it's the best way to say it. And everybody's is different. You could tell people like principles of comedy. You could sort of teach them a little bit about economy of words and how to conceal a punchline, how to set things up and make it not so obvious when the punchline rolls around, how to squeeze the most out of a premise, but don't beat it into the ground.

There's little subtle things you learn over time. But what makes you funny versus what makes another person funny, Sebastian funny, is very different. It's a good example, Sebastian, right? Hilarious, but extremely different than you. 100%. And if he had to coach you to do comedy his way you wouldn't do it yeah it wouldn't work and then if you had to coach him to do comedy your way

it wouldn't work yeah wouldn't work it's comedy's fucking weird art form man you know i once suggested a joke to him i don't know if i ever told you this story but i fucking love it so i once connected to a chipotle that weirdly enough sebastian and i would sometimes run into each other there because we both like chipotle believe it or not good spot yeah there's a place connected to it on at our location called bib and bop and i went in there once and I literally felt it's the only time I ever felt like I was inside of a Sebastian bit so just I'm just gonna keep it super short but I ended up thinking that and then that night I saw Sebastian at the comedy store and I'm always like very like almost like shy when it comes to Sebastian and basically only Sebastian because he sort of reminds me of my

Italian father and that side of the family and the whole thing so it's like even though I find it hilarious there's also this part where I'm just sort of like intimidated by a cool Italian guy so I I gather all my courage one day in the hallway and I go up to Sebastian I go Sebastian um you know I think you have you ever tried the place that's connected to the Chipotle? He's like, what are you talking about? I'm like, I think, I think you have to try this place out.

Cause I feel like I was inside of one of your bits. And I'm like, it's this place called Bibimbap. And it's like, you have to like make your own Asian bowl. It's a whole thing. It's like puzzling, but you just have to try it. Cause it's healthy and you'll enjoy it. And I think he could sort of feel like my like nervousness and like the tension that i had riding on this moment and it was just me and him in that hallway right by the swing doors and he goes what was it called again uh bib and bop and he like does he like does it sebastian style

and i fucking died man i wanted to like just run out of the building so cool did you ever bring that up to him years later no no who knows he might have one by now but probably not uncomfortable moments when you're first starting out yeah fucking hilarious when you look back as you're you know become an established comedian one time dice met my mom he was super nice this was like 13 14 years ago i introduced dice to my mom and he was so nice to her and uh and then i found out from like eleanor the next day or something like that she's like yeah he made me wash his glove off he was disgusted shaking him like it was like something about like how you find out like he didn't really want to shake my mom's hand well

dice is a bit of a germaphobe right of course that's why he wears those weightlifting gloves yeah and i get it but like it's always worth the more you find out like no does dice still do all that crazy shit on his instagram he's doing like a like this little one minute things on his instagram a lot of them with eleanor pre-covid they would do a lot of little things from the gym so things they'd plan out he's so great i love the part of him in that comedy store documentary that thing was awesome huh it's pretty wild yeah pretty sad to to uh know that it's not open you know watch that and see the incredible history of it and know that if uh that documentary came out while it was open

that place would be sold out for a year right i mean people just buy tickets in advance it'd be one of those you know there's some restaurants you can't get a reservation for the next five months that's how the comedy store would be yeah because it would go from being a place that was sold out every night to a place that sold out in advance. Yeah. They could give away season passes to the comedy store. Yeah. I mean, they really could.

Hey. Hey. Hey. What is this? They did a lot of sketches it's so fun well eleanor was the best because she was a waitress for so long before she was ever a comic so she knew how fucking crazy comedians were like she really got a sense of how completely insane so many comics are and and then decided that's me. I got to do that.

What am I doing? Why am I doing waiting tables? I need to do stand-up. She was a waitress for like 20 years before she ever did stand-up. Yeah, she's literally the best. She's hilarious. Yeah.

She's a great, I don't think it was 20 years, but it was at least 10. She was a great judge of whether or not someone was good. I would ask her, I would go, hey, did you see that guy he's here from new york her it's supposed to be really funny she's like i go really she's like like really and you'd go see if she'd tell you someone's a hack you believed her like she's seen every joke those waitresses are there from 8 p.m to 2 a.m every

fucking night serving drinks and hearing jokes over and over and over again for eleanor just like a seed grew into a tree and she's like fuck i gotta do this she was one of the original people that helped me at the store i think she helped me get a job she helped me keep that job she was a huge she's a big part of like the inner workings of the store too yeah well she was one of those like important backbones of the store that you really didn't get much of in that documentary it's not just the comics that work there there's a thing to that place it's the folks that work behind the bar the the managers the everything there's a lot going on in a place like that it's the most important part to the people that know about it like us and and you can't that's like a thing that you can't

just have good talent at a club you also have to have good talent in terms of like the management and the wait staff you have to have people that are cool like you want to see them they want to see you everybody's friendly like we would go to the back bar and everybody would be like what's up it was always very friendly always and some of the people that work there are funnier than some of the comedians we know that for a fact it's true rose carrie rose we would try to get rose do comedy forever yeah right how long did we try to get rose and she could she's also she also looks more like a rock star than most of the comedians she acts like one 100 could have been a comic or could still be a comic she might go the eleanor route one day just decided to dive in just start killing yeah punky's

now on saturday night live yep what not surprised what yep punky goes from being one of the bartenders of the comedy store to being a cast member on saturday night she officially quit as a bartender after being hired on sat Night Live as a full-time cast member. She was still technically a bartender at the Comedy Center. That's amazing. And she never stopped or slowed down the entire time she was going, working, killing. Yeah, there's a lot of hustle in that building, man. A lot of hustle in that building. There. A lot of hustle in that building.

There's a lot of people that were out there trying to make it happen. A lot of people went on road gigs. A lot of people out there that were responsible for keeping that club awesome that had nothing to do with telling jokes. Danny the sound guy. Huge. We've known these guys forever. Jeff Scott.

Jeff Scott, same deal. Known Jeff Scott forever. There's a lot of what the Comedy Store is, is the melt of everybody. All the artists and the employees and the management and the staff, the waitresses, the waiters, the bartenders, everybody. Everybody together. It created this cool family vibe that we would go there management and the staff the wait the waitresses the waiters the bartenders everybody everybody together it created this like cool family vibe that we would go there and everybody would be fun

and you know you'd see people hammered more than not you know and everybody was cool like they kept it together it was like it was a good place to be yeah if we do anything out here, we have to pay special attention to that. Like, it can't just be staff and, you know, and comics. Like, we got to find cool people. Right. Got to find cool people, and you got to find cool people that like each other. Like, that's hard, too. The worst is, like, when you would hear, like, management squabbles. You know what she said?

This fucking bitch. As soon as we were shut down, she's like's like and i was like and then they go to management and you know there's a squabble and like there was a few of those at the store before they found the right mixture you know like what did she say to you what did she say to you she didn't say nothing oh let me tell you what she said yeah everybody was like upset at this you could always tell when someone wasn't gonna last like two or three weeks either like a waitress with a bad attitude it's like oh you don't know that's so funny waitresses that would correct comedians on their jokes that would be the best you know what you're saying is really really rude and not accurate what you see the comic turn around like what is happening it's

the only place where like a comedian can give you like a red slip or whatever a pink slip it's interesting too to watch people get busted for stealing like that's a thing like you're around thieves like they're like like just charge them a little more yeah charge them a little more you know that little temptation they look a little drunk It's 500 And you're like Especially if you think people are paying cash Oh yeah Charge them a little more They're not paying attention Tack a few drinks onto that bill Oh yeah

Some clubs have a scam going Like there was a place that I worked at in Boston That had a scam going They got busted The waitresses and the bartender had a scam they would uh they would tack drinks on add a few drinks on the bill interesting yeah charge charge people just a little bit more than they're supposed to get charged for things and just hope that in the dark at the end trying to rush out of there they didn't notice no they split up the money they they would you know they would have x amount

of drinks so like uh the waiter would bring them up for like they like say if people wanted three cokes cokes aren't something you track right it's syrup so for three cokes you would they would charge the person for the three cokes but the bartender would not charge the waitress for the three cokes so the they would she would say it's 32 bucks for whatever you ordered including the three cokes but the three cokes never made it into the official list because this was back in no no computer days right 1988 they had to write everything down yeah just thieves stealing from the menace. I deserve more. What I make is not enough. Thieves. You ever steal anything?

Yeah. I got arrested stealing a candy bar when I was like 13, 12 or 13. They arrested you. They wanted to teach you the hard way. Not arrested. I should say I got accosted by security personnel and brought into a room for interrogation. Just made me feel bad because i was a stupid kid that thought i could steal a candy bar with anybody watching

right they had eyes on us the moment we came into the place i think i'd probably stolen a few candy bars and i had decided i was pretty good at it yeah it was so embarrassing so embarrassing so humiliating in front of my friends yeah i'll never forget my friend Tom said this to me he goes why did you do that for he goes did you do it for status I mean that was what he said to me wow that was the question you know when we're 13 and I was like what a weird I didn't have an answer I'm like what a weird question it's like why did I do it like I didn't have a clear answer I did it because I wanted a candy bar I didn't have any money for sure but also I did it because there was a thrill to try to steal that candy bar and get away with it yeah because I did it because I wanted a candy bar and I didn't have any money, for sure. But also I did it because there was a thrill to try to steal that candy bar and get away with it.

Yeah. Because I did it a couple times. And I recognized there's a thrill in walking into a store pretending, just taking something and putting it in your pocket. And this dude just came up and grabbed me by my arm. I was like, oh, no. Wow. Yeah.

I don't remember who he called or how I got out of it. I just remember I gave the candy bar back, and they kicked me out of there. So it wasn't like I was exaggerating when I said I got arrested. I don't even think he was a cop. He was a security guard. But I don't think there was real repercussions. I don't even know if my parents found out about it. I think I just got kicked out of there.

But they scared the shit out of me. Do you remember what candy bar it was? I think it was a Hershey's bar. I think it was a... That's all I'm getting in my head when I'm reaching back into my shitty memory. Just a plain chocolate bar? Yep. That's what I liked.

I liked the ones with almonds. Oh, yeah. Those are good. Those are good. Hershey's with almonds. I like them plain, too, though, dude. Mr. Good Bar? Come on. That's Hershey's with peanuts. Oh, yeah. Those are good. Those are good. Hershey's with almonds. I like them plain, too, though, dude. Mr. Goodbar? Come on.

That's Hershey's with peanuts. Pretty damn good. Oh, Henry's pretty goddamn good, too. How about that? 100 grand? Pretty good. Snickers overrated, right? Halloween?

No. What are you, a communist? Overrated? There's too much nougat. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Stop. Anybody ever just raw dog gopher nougat there's too much nougat oh my god jesus christ like anybody ever does raw dog go for nougat nope straight up nougat bar hey that's a good point milky way fucking sucks because the nougat too much nougat nougat look like you ever seen white horse shit i know but

outside of a candy bar you ever seen a nougat no what does nougat look like i don't know where you find it where do you buy nougat how do you make it no one knows did they make nougat look like? I don't know where you find it. Where do you buy nougat? How do you make it? No one knows. Did they make nougat up just to fucking validate the extra space in Snickers bars? That's just some semi-sugary horse shit. It is. It's not that good. Nougat's just dead air. Right. By itself, it's terrible.

Yep. But if I had to choose, I would go Reese's Peanut Butter Cups over all those bitches. Absolutely. You can't beat them. You can't beat it. You can't beat it. Just chocolate and peanut butter. There's no wrong way to eat one. What do you think nougat's made of?

Shit. Human shit. It's got milk, malt. It's like three ingredients. Really? Yeah. One of them is sugar, so I'll let you have that one. Sugar.

Eggs? Sugar or honey, it says. Eggs? Eggs. Whipped egg whites. Okay. and then there's one more thing in it i guess shit that's where the shit comes from this is nuts and or fruit nuts and or fruit yeah what is nougat made of is what i'm looking at nougat yeah that's a good point on nougat aerated egg whites and boiled sugar just takes up space makes your candy bar seem thicker yeah

reese's peanut butter cup you just got some good peanut butter and some good chocolate Big whites and boiled sugar syrup. It just takes up space. It makes your candy bar seem thicker. Yeah. Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, you just got some good peanut butter and some good chocolate. You can't mess it up. You know, there's a dude who took all the peanut butter out of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. They, like, surgically chopped up the peanut part and, like, tried to eat it as peanut butter and said it was terrible. Huh. It doesn't really taste like peanut butter. Interesting. Yeah. peanut butter and they said it was terrible huh doesn't really taste like peanut butter interesting yeah because if you think about it when you're eating it they call it peanut butter cup but it's not really peanut butter it's something that's like peanut butter but it

doesn't taste like peanut butter because you know it's like you got your chocolate in my peanut butter remember those old commercials yeah they bump into each other in the street one guy was eating a chocolate bar and the other guy was eating a peanut butter, and they would dip it in and start eating. Hey, this is pretty damn good. And they'd both be sharing it. You ever seen these videos of the food surgeon where he's literally taking surgical tools and taking candy and cutting it apart like it's surgery?

Wow. This is called a transplant where he takes Oreo cream and puts it inside of a Reese's cup. This guy for sure has killed people. Yeah, absolutely. This guy's Dexter all day. I could see him doing that to someone's eyeballs while they're strapped to a table with a vice clamping their head down.

It does like full, like cleans it all the way out as carefully as possible. This is ridiculous. And then he puts Reese's in there? Or Oreos in there? Covers it back up. Oh, is it good? Is he heated up? I would imagine. I mean, you don't get to see that part. I want to It covers it back up. Oh, is it good? I would imagine.

You should say. I want to hear if it's good. Wow. I do enjoy chocolate and peanut butter, though. I really do enjoy the two of them together even more than I enjoy Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I buy dark chocolate and I buy peanut butter and just scoop it up

and just eat it. Amazing. Organic peanut butter is great, but it's annoying because you've got to fucking stir that shit. You've got to get that. When you have real regular peanut butter, that is the most annoying fucking thing before you eat it. You're going to spill it all over the table. And what's the proper tool?

Has anybody ever figured out the proper tool for taking organic peanut butter and getting that shitty oil off the top of it and getting it into the peanut? No. Butter knife. But that's not enough. It's like the one thing that people do where there's no tool for or the desperately needs a tool. Hey, Shark Tank.

One of those Theraguns with like a thing on the bottom. We need a what's it called? Accessory or attachment. You need some kind of mixing device. Some stabbing sort of mixing device. But it's amazing that none exist. Think of all the things that people do in the kitchen. Right?

Candle burners exist. Blenders exist. Wisks, they exist. Pizza slicer. So many things exist. You can figure it on your own. I don't need a fucking pizza slicer so many things exist that you could you could figure it on your own i don't need a fucking pizza slicer peanut butter mixer a peanut butter mixer yeah how do these people mix their peanut butter show me how what is the correct way to mix organic peanut butter i was i got a i got a fun fact oh hit me with it uh 1963, the Hershey Company bought the Reese,

I don't know, Reese's Company from the brothers. They're probably on Coke. Within six years. They're like, we're going to buy everybody. It took less than six years for the Reese's Cup to become their top seller, beating the fucking chocolate bar. Of course it did. In 50 years.

They got a fucking city named after it. Listen, I'm not stupid. It's better. It's better than just plain chocolate. 100%. But what's better than Reese's Peanut Butter Cups is dark chocolate and peanut butter. And actual peanut butter. Dip it in there and chewing it together.

That's better. My thing lately, olives, red wine. Crazy olives. Give me your craziest olives from around the world. What's a crazy olive? I don't know. The fancy ones at the fancy stores. What did he say?

Kalamata? Kalamata. Yep. Go to a fancy French market or your Whole Foods. Go to the olive section. Get a variety. Bottle of red wine. Good night, Irene.

That's your move? The rest is history. That's your move? You're an olive and red wine guy? Yeah. Is that what we're doing tonight? We're going to have some olives and red wine? Let's go. I'll bring some olives. I bought some today. You's your move? You're an olive and red wine guy? Yeah. Is that what we're doing tonight? We're gonna have some olives and red wine? Let's go. I'll bring some olives. I bought some today. You bought olives today?

Yes, I did. This is destiny. This is crazy. This is full circle. You should get an olive tree. They have olive trees, you know. Make your own olives. That way you can... I think it's a lengthy process. Olive oil. If you make olive oil... Well, even olives themselves, like to eat the olives. I think it's a long process.

I don't think it's like as simple as just like get the olives in. I have no idea about the olive business. Jamie has to pee. He just left. Now we can talk shit about it. Some days I can't believe I don't have to pee yet. I was going to say, when I was peeing, I was thinking to myself, like, there must be, because I pee pretty casually.

You and I are friends. I know that we'll hang out again no matter what. But most people that do this show, I'll bet you, I'll bet you like maybe 15% to 20% of all of your hours of show, the guest has had to pee. Oh, yeah. Yeah. it's almost like hot ones but it's like for peeing this show is it's like because i realized during the ross perot part of this like i was really and it happened last time i did it too i it's really hard to focus on anything when

you have to be when you really have to pee and before this show also you for the listeners you have to factor in like you know you're going to talk with joe rogan so you drink water and you drink coffee and you want to get in the right mind space and then whiskey comes into the mix out of nowhere at one in the afternoon and it's it it your body tries to flush itself yep and then you have to pee most of the time. Then you have to pee. So imagine how bad the guest has to pee when they say they have to pee. That's like final level. They can't think.

They can't hear you anymore. This is the look in your face. Ready? Yeah. Ready? I heard a ringing in my ears at the end of it. You got to a point where it's like oh no there was a part where i was gonna bail out but you were talking about something interesting and i did the two-handed

headphone grab where you grab each ear for a second but then i'm like no okay hang in there hang in there um uh let's we could wrap it up man it's already 4 30 we got a show tonight but i'm glad we did it jamie had to pee too it was burning when he went i had to go and i was like all right i'll hold it we're 30 minutes past three hours i can wait for hours now but sometimes i can't it's not i'm not 100 consistent sometimes i have to pee like in the middle of the show i have to fucking pee yeah i think it depends on how much i pee through the day like the real problem is if I drink too much after a workout, a lot of times I'll have a hard workout,

and then I'll drink a couple of liters of water, and then I've got to pee for hours, like every hour, like every hour for hours. So I might get here only an hour after I've done working out, and even though I haven't had much to drink during the show, I've got to pee again. Like, fuck. It definitely has a lot to do with your working out

and how much you're sweating. We golfed a couple months ago in 110 degree weather where at uh in the valley woodland hills or woodley park or woodley lakes anyway uh and they didn't have no it was in ceno balboa anyway it doesn't matter they didn't have carts available when we went so we all walked that day and it was like again a true 110 degrees jimmy schubert was out there fucking struggling jimmy's got an artificial hip yeah yeah he's out there sweating bullets i gave him his first liquid iv out there i shared some of mine with him it was like having a canteen in the desert there's a guy that went from limping to walking perfectly yep there's a guy where medical science like remember he always has that hitch in his step it's unbelievable how hard he had that hitch you could see the bend in his leg and when i first met him and like whatever it was

like 94 95 something like that he didn't have a limp at all wow yeah slowly over time yeah he it got bad towards the end and then all of a sudden he was gone I looked at him and I go dude you're not even limping he goes yeah I got it all fixed I got it all fucking up here and down there yeah it's crazy but we didn't pee that day we noted that we didn't have to pee because we were sweating so much so it's an interesting

yeah if you sweat enough you don't have to pee too much yeah if you're like doing really hard cardio and sweating for long hours, I bet it's rare that you pee. Dude, I'm so happy you're here. Yeah, we live in Austin, Texas. Cheers.

Absolutely. I'm so happy you moved out here, for real. I'm happy more are moving. It's cool. Segura's moving out here. A lot of people are moving out here. It's exciting. It's good to be free.

And when the clubs start opening and we get the scene moving out here. A lot of people are moving out here. It's exciting. It's good to be free. And when the clubs start opening and we get the scene happening out here, man, I think we could do some big shit. And I think a big part of that is going to be Kill Tony. And the reason why I think it is I think Kill Tony is the best show that's ever existed in terms of putting potential talent

into a compromising situation we're doing one minute you get your name drawn out of a hat you have no idea you're going to go on stage until you're on stage you have professionals judging your act and mocking you you got jeremiah and the crew and everybody's the shenanigans and craziness and it's a great fucking show man and it's a great fucking show, man. And it's a show that is amazing for young talent. You know, it really is. It's amazing for comics that get a chance to go up in that wild environment. And also it creates a community. It creates a community of fans.

And it created a community of people that do the show and have been on the show and the regulars of the show. And then, you know, they get a chance to be on other little shows. It gives them a little bit of momentum it gives them a springboard and again establishes the community and i think having kill tony here in austin is going to be one of the big things to get the community going because the community is not just ron white and me and whoever else decides to come live here the community is the people coming up right that's the big thing and the people coming up that have the same ethic that we have, just what's funny.

What is ridiculous? We're just trying to be funny. We're just trying to be ridiculous and mock each other and mock everything. And, and know that you're a part of an art form and it's an art form that's protected by the people that do it. We know what you're doing. We're not going to pretend you don't.

The people that do pretend you don't, they're doing a terrible disservice. The people that are comics that pretend someone really means something when they're saying something ridiculous, you're doing a terrible disservice to hilarious shit. Right. You're cutting back on the chances that a person will take. You're cutting back on what this thing is. Comics need to be protected by other comics. on the chances that a person will take. You're cutting back on what this thing... Everyone... Comics need to be protected by other comics.

And in this time, I think it's very important that we reinforce that because this is the last frontier when it comes to saying wild shit. Stand-up's the last frontier. It's true. And it's real important that we protect that. It's real important we establish what that is.

It's not real cruelty. It's not mean. No, it's trying to be funny. That's what it is. It's trying important that we protect that. It's real important we establish what that is. It's not real cruelty. It's not mean. No, it's trying to be funny. That's what it is. It's trying to be funny. It's trying to be funny the way Kill Bill wasn't real violence. Right. Okay?

Yeah. It's entertaining. Yeah. We're trying to be funny. They're entertaining. John Wick's not really killing anybody, folks. You can sleep tight knowing you didn't see any murders. Yeah.

You saw a fun fucking movie, though. It's the same thing with stand-up. It's like you've got to understand what we're doing. And to pretend, because we're just talking, we just have a microphone, there's no special effects, no Uma Thurman doing fucking backflips. To pretend. Zoe Bell doing the backflips. That's her stunt woman.

Yeah. She's a freak stunt woman. Well, I'm sure. Yeah. You think Uma could do a backflip? No. Really? Yeah. Not with a sword in woman. Well, I'm sure. Yeah. You think we could do a back flip? No. Really? Yeah.

Not with a sword in her hand either, right? Mm-mm. Point is, welcome to Texas. I'm excited. We did it. Tonight. Let's do it. Tonight begins our shows at Stubbs.

We're doing five of them here with Dave, and Dave's doing five of them on his own. And then we get the ball rolling soon. Tony Hinchcliffe, welcome to Texas. Thanks, buddy. Goodbye, everybody. See you. See you. See you.