The Joe Rogan Experience - #16 - Brian Redban

Episode Date: April 13, 2010

Joe sits down with Brian Redban.

Bam! Ladies and gentlemen. What the fuck's going on? Let's set this up. Sorry for the late start. We were all fucked up. We weren't all fucked up, but the cam was all fucked up. We had a problem with the webcam.

But we're back, bitches. Hi. How's everybody doing? I'm back from Abu motherfucking Dabi, son. That was a very strange trip. Scary at all? Yeah, it scared me, man. I mean, it's real safe and it's real western over there, but the bottom line is that place is... It's the first time we've ever done that. Congratulations. First time you muted the live preview.

Yeah, so we don't hear ourselves. But we got over there, and it's very strange. First of all, we were at a place called Yaz Island, which is a man-made island, they said, which means they built an island. Isn't it sinking? Is that the one that's sinking? No, that's the one in Dubai. The one in Dubai that's sinking is the one that's sinking? No, that's the one in Dubai. The one in Dubai that's sinking

is the one that they have that's a model of the world. If you ever wanted to know how much money is in oil, you've got to go to the Middle East. I'm sure. It's fucking staggering. Really?

I didn't see a shitty car while I was there. Everything was a fucking Mercedes. It's a Mercedes, or I guess the cabs are kind of crappy, but it's all Ferraris, and Lamborghinis, and these fucking buildings, they, they built this island, okay, and then they have this thing called Ferrari World, and that's where the UFC was, which is this crazy theme park they're building, they're just building shit constantly,

everywhere you go, they're building, you know, like like all throughout, like, uh, the city of Abu Dhabi, it's all just skyscrapers and cranes and shit going on constantly, and apparently Dubai's even crazier, I didn't want to fuck around with Dubai, though, I didn't even want to fly in there, one of the options was, we could fly into Dubai, and then from Dubai, we would, uh, take a car service that would take us, it's like an hour and a half drive to Yaz Island. And I was like, I don't want to land in Dubai, man. I keep hearing crazy shit about Dubai. I hear crazy shit about people who got arrested

because there was some sort of a visa problem, so they drug test them. They arrested this one woman for codeine. She lives in the UK. She has a prescription for codeine because she's got a back problem. She's got back injuries. So they arrested her for this and put her in fucking jail because she had it in her system. Wow.

And there's another guy who was traveling there who had a speck of marijuana on the bottom of his shoe. But if you look at the dude, the dude was like a Rasta. He had dreadlocks and shit, and that does not fly. Did you vacuum out your suitcase? Oh, my God, god did i i didn't smoke pot for a whole day a whole day you're crazy i was it was out of my head yeah that shit just that shit scares me all right there's no reason to be put into that because i've heard too many horrors it's not a regular society i mean it's run by kings and you know for the most part

they run it just like a Western democracy. I mean, it's very clean and very safe and cops are everywhere and people are polite. But the bottom line is you don't have the same sort of rights that you have in America. You know, we always want to talk about our dwindling rights. And our rights are certainly dwindling. But they're still way better than what you get over in Dubai. In Dubai, you don't get shit. This couple was making out on the beach. Now they're in jail better than what you get over in Dubai in Dubai you don't get shit this couple was making out

on the beach now they're in jail that's fucking crazy they were making out and then they said you can't do that we're gonna put you in jail so they don't have a problem

with like you know like the ring card girls wearing babies I was wondering because I didn't talk to anybody before I'm like

what are they gonna wear are these chicks gonna wear like dresses like how weird would that be if they had to wear like that would have been awesome That would have been awesome. It would have been awesome. Yeah, they gave me the headdress thing, the traditional garb.

And there's a guy who does my job for the Arab world. Very nice guy. His name is Mohammed. And they call him Mohammed Rogan. His name is Mohammed, really? And they call him Mohammed Rogan. And it's hilarious. He does the whole outfit when he does his broadcast.

He does this traditional Arab wear that they all wear. It's like a white outfit with a black thing around your head and then a white headdress. I don't know what it's called. But everyone wears it there. Did it smell okay over there? It smelled great. Dude, there were a bunch of rich people with crazy money and weird outfits. Right.

And I kind of like the outfit for a certain this is what i liked about the outfit i like it because like you can't i mean i guess you can wear like a big watch or something like that but like stylistically everyone looks the same and there's something about that something about that is dumb it's like you should be able to dress and look however you want but But something about that is kind of cool. Because it's like, is it really fucking important what you wear? It's not. It's like, it's in your head.

It's nonsense. And all this style and like how you want to be portrayed. Like, have you ever seen a dude who like wants to be thought of as like a writer? You know, wants to be thought of as like an intellectual. So he's wearing like a pea jacket. With an elbow. Fucking jack Kerouac. Yeah, or that. thought of as like an intellectual she's wearing like a p jacket with an elbow leather jack kerouac yeah or that or it's like there's a certain amount of like pretense that comes with what you wear you know that's unavoidable you know i dress like i'm fucking 20 years old i mean i'm

42 fucking years old i still dress exactly the same i did when i was 20 if you look at my wardrobe when i was 20 and now the only difference is i have more clothes now. That's it. And I have a lot of tap out shit. But other than that, I fucking dress the same. There's something about wearing that outfit that they're all in unity too. It's like they all recognize, like we're all in this together. Like we all have the same outfit on. I mean, part of it is like, it's got to be bad for like creativity and individuality and stuff like that because one of the reasons why people in america are so creative is because if you want to you could put a lip ring in and fucking shave half your head and paint the other half purple and tattoo your

face you can do whatever the fuck you want over here and something about that is good for creativity to the point i understand but also i've had jobs where i've had to have a uniform and was so much better having a uniform or wearing the same as everybody else instead of having to pick out a different tie every day and wear a shirt every day for work. Yeah, that is true. But if you had to choose when you're working between having a uniform and not having a uniform, you're always going to say no. No, I don't know. That's what I was just saying. I think I like having a uniform at work.

But that's because you have to dress up. Right, right. What if you could dress like anything? Like a real job. I'm talking about real jobs in the real world in the real world we live in the fake world it's not a nut that is a nutty thing though about the world is that the world is so it's it's so goddamn rigid and what you're supposed to wear and how you're supposed to behave and how you're supposed to dress it's like jesus fucking christ like what that's the best way they have of controlling people

really is to make sure that you're always going to wear suits and ties when you go to work and that you know you can't get into this place because you have a hat on

and you know I hate the hat on thing oh it's so silly that I mean because I can understand where like you're in some parts where you're like

oh that guy isn't you know might get mad at the other guy because they're in a different gang or something remember when we were at Gotham they wanted you to take your hat off? Yeah.

They wanted me to take off my hat and I was with you at a comedy club. Yeah. And he works for me. It was ridiculous. It was, we were at,

where the fuck was it? Well, that's the most ridiculous one. Strip clubs are another ridiculous one. Yeah. That happens too. If you go to a strip club, they tell you to take your hat off.

Or they tell you to turn it around that's my other favorite if you're wearing it like i'm wearing sometimes they keep please turn your hat around sir yeah because like oh now you got me now i'm gonna be normal one of the funniest things ever this is a hundred percent true story my ex-fiancee and me went to a bar once and they we drove all the way to oxnard or something like that and And we get there. It was our friend's birthday. And they're like, sorry, sir, you can't come in. You don't have a collar on your shirt. And I'm like wearing a T-shirt.

I'm like, what? We drove, you know, an hour and a half to get here for our friend's birthday. And you say I can't come in? And it was like all the stores around it were closed because it was Oxnard at 9 p.m. So I went to my car to try to find a shirt. And the only thing I could find is my ex-fiancee's shirt. And it was like a small, little, tiny collar shirt that she wore for work right so i was like fat man putting on this shirt i it wouldn't even fit it looked like that old chris farley like fat man in the jacket thing like it i couldn't button it up and it had a collar though so i put the collar up and i seriously

walked up to the door like this i'm like hi collar hi, collar shirt, can I come in? And they're like, yeah, I guess so. And they let me in. So instead of wearing just a gray t-shirt, I now look like a fucking freak walking around the bar and go, hey, can I get a Bud Light and stuff? What is the collared shirt about, man? True story. What the fuck is that about? Why is a collar better than no collar?

I don't know. Especially, wouldn't you just be like, all right, you know what? Just take off that. Just go in. So ridiculous. The thing about the Middle East is that you don't have to wear that outfit. When they gave me the headdress, they gave me one when I got there. I was like, okay, do I wear this when I'm here?

Like, that would be hilarious if we did it like that. Me and Mike both wore it. But no, nobody had to wear it. But, you know, there's people who wear it and some people don't but a lot of people do when you go to the mall it's like i'd say like 30 or 40 percent of people are wearing it wow it's weird so like do they look down on people that don't wear it like don't know like do you get more trouble if you wear normal clothes i wonder that's a good question yeah maybe right or maybe getting more trouble with where that shit because you're right fucking up the whole scene right blowing the curve man i think it'd be great because i would feel like you're getting more trouble with that shit because you're fucking up the whole scene.

Blowing the curve, man. I think it would be great because it would feel like you're wearing pajamas everywhere. You'd just be naked underneath it. It probably has something to do with the heat because it's a really light thing and it doesn't stick to you. I don't know. I guess you're probably naked under it if you want to be. Yeah, it'd be awesome. If you wanted to be naked under that, that would actually be pretty dope.

Probably perfect for that kind of weather. Fuck yeah. Flap it around, ball sweat, hitting your shoe. Yeah. It'd be great. Dude, it's hot as fuck over there. Really? And I don't even think we're in the summer, but there's, first of all, billions of mosquitoes there. We got lucky and we didn't get hit.

Right. But they said you can get fucked up. Like a swarm of them will swarm on you and you'll get like a thousand bites all over you. Wow. There was wasps that were flying around the cage like that big i was freaking out because it makes you realize like oh yeah like we're in the fucking middle east you know what i'm saying we're like east of africa right you know whoa do you see camels and shit everywhere i didn't see camels but some guys went and rode on camels and shit. Right. Yeah. The next Sex and the City takes place there, by the way. Really?

Yeah. Those dirty bitches to go over there to get some dick. Apparently, there's a tremendous amount of hookers in Dubai. Dubai is like hooker central. It's like there's hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of hookers. So you go into like bars and like clubs. They don't have clubs unless the clubs are attached to a hotel. So you go in the club that's attached to a hotel,

and you get swarmed by Russian hookers. Wow. Because there's so many rich dudes over there, and that's what it's all about. It's about rich dudes doing business, and they feed off them and suck their cock and milk money out of them. Wow. And, you know, get some cash.

We were at the comedy store the other day, and this really hot chick was all over my friend Jason. feed off them and suck their cock and milk money out of them and you know get some cash we're at the comedy store the other day and this really hot chick was all over my friend jason and like yeah tea and everyone's like damn he likes she likes him blah blah blah and then finally like i mean he's like groping her and stuff and he must have said something to her because at the end uh she goes you have to pay to play and he goes what and then he doesn't know what and then she goes alright Never mind and walks away. I mean this is like a half hour of Presale that she did to him Wow and and no one saw it coming. It was it was like wow this this is cool How much money I don't know I think he just went what I can't afford cigarettes. What the fuck are you talking about?

Yeah, there's a lot of that over in the Middle East though that shits it runs rampant talking about yeah there's a lot of that over in the middle east though that shits it runs rampant makes sense so many dudes with money you know they have uh the biggest building in the world is in dubai it's a half a mile high is that the one that has the like golf thing on the top that's another one i think i don't think that's the same one but there is one with a it's a tennis tennis courts i heard the architecture out there it's just amazing off the chain yeah they have so much money they have more money than you could possibly imagine. But apparently it's all dried up. Apparently

it's crazy now that so many people owe money over there and if you get, if you go broke over there you don't like go to court and file for bankruptcy. No, you go to fucking jail. They put your ass in a cage. They put you in what's called debtor's prison. And debtor's prison and debtor's prison

is uh something you really want to avoid so when people are going into the hole they just drive their fucking ferraris to the airport and gone wow so this ferrari is abandoned at the airport like every day people are constantly abandoning like luxury cars leaving their houses you know they show up to to collect money and there's no one there. They're gone. They moved to Africa or something. It's fucking nutty, man. They have nutty shit like an indoor ski facility. You can go skiing indoors. That's badass.

I've seen those before. Apparently, you have to see it to believe how big it is. Right, right. There's a picture of it. Somebody could probably Google it. It's just like a huge slope. It's like a diamond all the way down. It's crazy. I think you can go surfing indoors, too, somewhere there.

Where'd you go? Are you still in a picture? Oh, yeah. Yeah, so anyway, so that was what the Middle East was like. People were very friendly over there. Food was fantastic. The hotels, top notch. There was only, well, i guess there were some people

that were there that weren't there for the fights but not it wasn't crowded was it legal uh alcohol illegal out there alcohol you don't you can't go to bars but they have bars at your hotel but that's the only place they have bars is in hotels i think that's the law you cannot have a bar but you can have a bar inside of a hotel for i guess for westerners wow but they have like you know it's regular the the food was great the beer was great it's like a regular beer everything tastes okay like the coca-cola tastes like coca-cola it has arab writing on it oh that's weird you should have taken some of that for what look it's different for your scrap. What are you talking about?

What are you, 12? So the arena was outside though, right? There was no roof to that? I didn't even know that. The arena was outside and that was an interesting part of it too because the first fight was John...

God damn it, I forgot his last name. He fought for the Ultimate Fighter. Anyway, and Mustafa Al-Turk. And the first fight, these guys were so fucking slippery. They were punching, and as they were punching, sweat was flying off them. Wow. Because they were the first guys to fight, and so they were fighting basically in the sunlight. Wow.

And it was fucking 100 degrees outside and humid damn that that had to affect their fight oh for sure yeah they paced themselves you know and they got through it but uh john madsen thank you very much sir um and the john madsen mustafa al-turk was a fight and they were so sweaty and every time they threw a punch sweat was fucking flying off them literally like like they threw water. Like they were throwing cups of water at each other. It was fucking crazy. So that's the reason why the guy who fought Silva wanted to lay down the whole time.

No. That's why he just sat there like this. We've got to talk about that. That's a very controversial fight. I re-watched the fights last night. I re-watched BJ Penn, Frankie Edgar. And I re-watched Anderson Silva and Damian Maia. And the Frankie Edgar, BJ Penn fight, a lot of controversy on that fight. One of them is because Doug Crosby, who's a judge, who's a friend of mine, I like him,

he scored it 45 to 50, meaning he gave every single round to Frankie Edgar. Wow, see, now I thought it was way closer than that. It's way closer than that. I watched it again last night. In person, I was like, man, I don't know. When I saw it in person, I was like, look, the kid did fantastic. He definitely did better than anybody expected.

But the thing is, when you're doing commentary for fights, basically I'm just kind of explaining what's happening. I'm sort of keeping a tally in my head. But what I'm concentrating on most is explaining things, being entertaining, trying to do good commentary. Scoring is done silently. Correct scoring is done silently because you're contemplating what's more valuable. I mean, a lot of it is subjective, but you have to contemplate, okay, a guy throws

a punch and then the other guy counters with a leg kick. Which one was harder? Which one, you know what I'm saying? It's like, who do you give it to? Some people give the punch to it, some people give the leg kick. And in that case, I could see how it would be closer, you know, than I thought it was when I watched it last night. But when I watched it last night, I thought it was three rounds to two for BJ Penn. That's what I thought.

I think there's been closer ones before. But to me, I could have taken either way. Either way, it wasn't ridiculous to me that he won. But 45 to 50 was ridiculous. And the reason why I say it wasn't as ridiculous is because he won. But 45 to 50 was ridiculous. And the reason why I say it wasn't as ridiculous is because when I was calculating, when I was watching it, like in the first round, he lands a really nice leg kick at one point.

And then BJ hits him with a punch. And BJ hit him with a couple other punches during the takedowns. And he hit BJ with a few punches, and one of them cut him. So that probably affected people because BJ had a little mark under his face. So sometimes judges look at that and they go, he got the best of that round just because a little cut sometimes that affects them so you know it's so subjective man but then the second one I was like BJ's landing more punches they're like landing more Frankie's throwing more he's moving more he's making BJ fight his fight he's definitely making BJ chase him so you're gonna take that into account like who, who's doing better there?

Who's got better ring generalship or control of the octagon? Well, BJ's the one forcing the fight. He's chasing after him. But Frankie is really avoiding too much damage. But I think the cleaner shots were landed by BJ. And then, as it got into the later rounds, then it seemed like Frankie... The only round that was really clear to me was the fifth round.

The fifth round was clear. That was Edgar he took him down he landed some real good shots it was a good round it seemed like a round for him where where BJ was fading every other round but the fifth was like man who fucking knows well it's kind of like if you see a fight at a cafeteria you're not talking about the first five minutes of a fight you're talking about what that the end of the fight is yes he's dominating at the end of the fight. That's a very good point. That's a very good point. And you know what? A lot of people feel like fights should be scored that way, that they're different than any other sport, and that the end really is what matters because they've been imposing their will on each other,

and here's the end result. The end result of 25 minutes of imposing their will was that Frankie Edgar was kicking BJ's ass. He took him down. He leg kicked him. He was moving better. You know, he, and at the end, you know, BJ chased after him for very few, the final seconds. But he knew that it was the final seconds. I would love to hear, BJ's not the type of guy to make excuses. Other people would tell you. Vaseline.

Oh, that's true. Vaseline. Well, but that might have been true, though. It could have been totally true. Okay, well, let's be honest. It was true. It's true. Vaseline. Well, but that might have been true, though. It could have been totally true. Okay, well, let's be honest. It was true. It was true. They rub it on the guy's face, and you see them rub it on the guy's chest,

they rub it on the guy's back. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I know you are. But that's 100% illegal. And I love Phil Nurse. I think he's a great coach. And I love GSP.

I love the both of them. But you can't do that. I believe when they say that this fucking witch doctor guy tells them to do this thing because he explained it to me. He explained it to me this weekend. It seems like total malarkey. It's like, you know, he's telling me there's three minds. There's a mind here, a mind here, and a mind here.

And this pressure builds up in a chain and you have to release and you grab here and you press. You know why that works? It works if you believe it works. That's why that works. And there's a lot of shit like that. Like I know a dude who's a chiropractor slash healer. And a lot of people swear by him. And the reason why they swear by him is because if you believe that what he's doing is going to heal you, your body has amazing ability to heal itself. Negative and positive thinking and negative and positive beliefs about your life are without a doubt self-fulfilling prophecies you can decide that your life is awesome and your life becomes awesome

you can decide that your life sucks you can decide that you're healing and you heal you can decide that you're you're not in pain and you won't be in pain and you can make pain happen especially when it comes to like back shit and you know there's real injuries and people get car accidents and fucking jujitsu you get your neck cranked but there's also people that create back injuries to avoid their life like they don't want to think about reality so ah my fucking back and that keeps them from thinking about other shit but anyway that's why they do this thing where you press the head and that's what that's all about it's like some psychosomatic thing but it's a placebo if if if you believe in it man it fucking works.

So, I would like, anyway, I would like to talk to BJ and find out how, was he in shape? Because he didn't look as good as he usually looks. I mean, he didn't look fat, but he didn't look as hard

as he looked in the Sanchez fight. In the Sanchez fight, he looked sculpted. In this fight, he had a little bit of a belly, like a little bit

of fat on his waist. So maybe he had an injury because he also didn't sit down in his stool in between rounds, which I thought was unusual. Was it him that had the thing on his leg? He had a knee sleeve on and he didn't sit down in between rounds. In between rounds, he stood up and he put his leg up on the stool.

And they said that to him at one point in time, BJ, put your leg up, put your leg up. Wow. There you go. But I don't know what that means. It could be a cramp. It could be nothing. It could be a cramp. It could be nothing. It could be, you know. It's that humid and you just got done fighting.

You're going to want to sit down if you can. Yeah, I would think so. I would think so. I don't know what it is. But see, he hasn't said a word about it. So I don't know. So I think I could easily see how someone could give that fight to Frankie Edgar. It totally makes sense to me.

You know, and I said, me. When I saw it live, I was like, man, I don't know. Either way. By the end of the fight, Edgar was winning the fight. Like you said, that should count more. That's the way Pride scores it. The way Pride used to do it, they counted the fight as one whole thing. That's how it should be.

I totally agree with you. I think fights are not like any other sport. There was a fight between Rio Chonin and Brad Blackburn once, and Brad Blackburn was kicking Rio Chonin's ass for two rounds, and then in the third and final round, Rio Chonin came on strong, and he battered Blackburn, just beat the, went after him and broke his nose and, like, had him running from him. Total domination in the third round. So it was so much difference between the first two rounds, which were pretty close, but Blackburn was winning. Blackburn was getting his shots in. But Chonan kept coming forward, but Blackburn was kicking his ass.

But then the third, Rio Chonan just turned it on. But Rio lost the fight. He lost the decision because Blackburn won the first two rounds. I said that's the clearest example to me of how someone won the fight but lost the fight at the same time. He won a decision, but he lost the

fight. If it was a fight, that guy lost the fight. What's crazy about it, imagine two guys fighting and at the last second, the guy hits a guy but knocks him out right when the bell hits. The other then the other guy won because he was doing the rest of the fight better you know but you know what i mean like what if that were to happen well if that knocks him out no no right at the bell though like ding bam guy knocks out you know yep oh like after the bell right right that's a good point you know this is well you would say

that the guy dropped his guard because he heard the bell. No, no. If it was like full for that bang, like ding, bonk, you know like. I think as long as he was already committed to the punch before the bell rang.

Right. It wouldn't be a problem. But you know. That's like some crazy last second buzzer shit. Right.

No, actually because it, because Liotta Bachida did that. He knocked out Tiago Silva at the bell. Like at the buzzer. Wah knocked out Tiago Silva at the bell. Like at the buzzer. Wham! Bang!

And he put him out. It was like during the horn, I think, going off. Really? Or very close. Very close. Within like a second. Why don't... So has there been any talk about taking the pride rules?

No. No? You know what? It's so hard to reason with the people that are involved in sanctioning. It's so hard to get things sanctioned. And the thing I've said before, people complain about elbows. Like this elbow, which is what they call the 12 to 6 elbow coming straight down.

Straight down. Yeah. The only reason why that was made illegal was because Big John McCarthy, this came straight from his mouth, when he was educating the commission and they were trying to legislate mixed martial arts, When he was educating the commission and they were trying to legislate mixed martial arts, the people in these athletic commissions were worried that downward elbows on ESPN at 2 o'clock in the morning can break bricks. You know, those fucking karate demonstrations. So they were like, well, we can't have that because you can hit someone and kill them.

Okay, so you can't do that. But you can still do this, which is more powerful. I think this is less powerful than this this right here seems to get more weight into it it's a more natural motion this is pretty strong but I don't think it's as good as this it's like hitting someone on the head like that it's not as strong as hitting them a lot that like when you turn your body into something you have more power and I think that makes more sense that this elbow, like the elbow that Jon Jones broke Brandon Vera's eye socket with, that's that elbow. That's a legal elbow.

But it's like powerful as fuck. Why is the other one illegal and this one's legal? That's nuts. I kind of get it though because there's a big reason why the UFC used to be on a VHS tape with faces of death in my collection. That used to be shocking, almost disturbing. Like, oh, I don't want to watch. Because it was like, this guy could die. No, I definitely agree that there should be rules.

And I definitely agree there should be sanctioning. But it should be rational shit. I don't think you should soccer kick people on the ground. I don't think. But I do think that if a guy's on his back, he should be able to kick you in the face. Right. If you're on your knees, so what? He should still be able to kick you in the face.

You're punching him in the face. Why can't he kick you? That's ridiculous. If you're on one knee, you can blast someone in the face with a punch. Why can't he kick you in the face? You're trying to hit him. Right. Well, you can't move as good?

Well, don't be there then. That's ridiculous. You're taking away an important weapon for the guy in the bottom you should be able to up kick the fuck out of someone when they're on their knees if that guy's trying to punch you in the face and you're lying on your back it's like your weight is on top of him like you're stomping him right you're kicking from your back at him right you should be able to kick his fucking head like a soccer ball when you're lying on your back and a guy's on his knees on top of you trying to punch you, you should be able to kick the fuck out of him. And it should be much more, put yourself in much more jeopardy.

You're in much more danger when you're on top of a guy then. And that's how it should be because that's how it is in real life. That's how it should be. It shouldn't be this unrealistic thing where the guy has to be standing up over you for you to kick him in the face. No, it should be you can kick him as long as you're on the bottom. If you're on the bottom, you can kick him. And if you're on the top, you can kick everything except his head. And that's what it is.

You can kick a guy in the body when he's on the ground. You can kick a guy in the legs. You can kick a downed opponent. So a downed opponent should be able to kick you anywhere, from anywhere he wants that's legal. There's a lot of rules that need to be changed, like gracie's never tap come on that last gracie fight that fight he wasn't he wasn't gonna tap that that that's one of those fights though that i was like this all right there should be just like a cut all right fights over because i mean there were so many times where i'm like why

is this guy even bothered let's let's finish with the frankie eggers fight before we talk about that fight though because I think like I said, scoring is a very subjective thing. You could say that Frankie Edgar outworked him because he threw more punches and he landed leg kicks. BJ didn't land that many leg kicks. Frankie definitely landed more leg kicks. He mixed it up more.

Had takedown attempts. So I could definitely see him winning the fight. I could see it being an argument because no one can say that their opinion, when something's that close, you can't really say that your opinion's right or wrong. But the fifth round, he won. He won the fifth round. I don't see how anybody

could argue that he didn't. But Douglas Crosby, man, 50-45. That makes no sense. That's ridiculous. That doesn't make any sense. He must have been drunk. That's why the refereeing should be done by 100 people. Yes, I think you're right. I think three is too little.

And you know, here's another problem. Maybe the refereeing should be done in some sort of an online thing where people get picked. Absolutely. They get picked. They're like posters on message boards, guys who are big fans, guys who really, really understand the sport, and we do it electronically. What's the thing that measures TV ratings and stuff? A Nielsen box? Yeah, something like that.

You're automatically picked. No, I think you should pick only a certain amount. I don't think it should be like millions of people. Oh, no, I don't mean millions. Yeah, like a hundred. I mean, it's like that, though. You're picked by a company. It's an idea, but you know what?

The problem is they'd all have to be there live to really... Then there's that, too. There's that argument. There's that live is actually not as good. No, you're not seeing the whole thing, angles and everything. You're not seeing the whole angles, and you don't get to see monitors. You know, like, when you're live, like, when I'm doing commentary,

I've got two monitors to my right and one to my left. So there's all sorts of angles. Like, sometimes we're looking at a fight, and we're watching it live through the cage. And right when some shit goes down, they'll move in front of a barrier. Or they'll move in front of one of the poles. And I can't see shit for a second. And then I have to turn to the monitor.

Or they're on the ground. And from the angle where I'm at, all I see is one, the side of a person's body. Like they're on the ground, but they're on the other side of the octagon. I can't see it. So I have to look to the monitor. The judges don't get that. don't get monitors so these guys are just watching the fight as it's happening from the angle that they get and every and you know i argued with the fucking the athletic commission guy about it and he's like well you know um this is you know

that's why we have three judges so they all have different angles well no because you're gonna get one guy he's gonna give a shitty angle exactly he's just guessing give him fucking monitors no shit that i yeah they should have it like er style where the doctors are all above looking down at the fight absolutely absolutely you know but the problem is even if above you what you would really have to do is be in there right and we can't have that no you know above with with uh monitors The cameras are better. Really watching it. Watching it live is better for the excitement. Like there's nothing

that beats that excitement. It's fucking nuts. You know and when you're there and you know fucking Randy Couture is stepping in to fight Brock Lesnar and the place is going bananas. That's pretty intense. You can't recreate that at home.

At home it's fun, but when you're there live, you feel like you're a part of history. Like you feel like you're a part of some wild-ass shit, you know. When Shogun and Machida fight in Montreal in May, being in that arena when those two guys step in there for the rematch, that's going to be everyone in the fucking place is going to have goosebumps. That's going to be nuts, man, because place is going to have goosebumps. That's going to be nuts, man. Because they're going to know,

this is history, man. These guys went at it for five fucking rounds. Everybody thought Machida was totally untouchable. And then most people thought Shogun won the decision. And now they're going at it again.

And it's live and it's happening right now. Here we go. Watching at home is pretty dope. You know, you get the commentary, you get the replays, you get all the information. But watching it live, there's some special crackle in the air.

Well, you're also front row in the middle. Most of the time when I watch live, I watch the monitors. Like, I watch it while they're standing up, but once it's down, I'm looking at the monitor. Right, and you're from the floor. You're right there. Yeah, and I'm only like a couple rows, but still I'm watching the monitors. Yeah, being right there is pretty dope.

To be able to look through the cage. Right. It's almost worth keeping that UFC job just for that. Yeah. Did you ever get

like blood splat right on your face? Yeah, I got hit this weekend. Oh, you did? I got hit on my arm. Yeah, one of the prelims. You just lick it up

a little? I made tea out of it. I told him to get me some hot water. Get in my DNA. It was pretty intense. There was a lot of blood in a couple of the fights.

That was in the Paul Kelly-Matt Veach fight. Matt Veach had a horrible cut. He had a couple of them and just splattered. They were right in front of us and they were beating on each other and just the blood just went flying. So that's my take on the controversy on the Frankie Edgar-Big Jay Penn fight.

I think Frankie Edgar fought a hell of a fight. It was a tremendous performance. I was super impressed with him. But I'm not exactly sure if I agree with the verdict. I definitely don't agree with 50-45, but I thought it was a very close fight. And obviously, I'm not a judge, so who the fuck am I to judge? And I definitely could see an argument for Frankie winning it. And like I said, he put on a tremendous fight. I mean, really impressive, and definitely won the last round. So if you look at it in terms of, like we said, you know, someone, that's the way it should be, that the guy who wins the last round

wins the fight. I mean, he's the, they've imposed their will guy who wins the last round wins the fight. They've imposed their will upon each other. And the end result is, after all this time, this guy's dominating the other guy. Cafeteria rules. There's another school of thought where you have to take the champion's title. Which I don't really agree with. I think the decision should be clear. But I think you go in neutral.

I think when a guy's a champion, you go in neutral. You both go in neutral, and if you win the decision, you're the new champion. If he wins the decision, he's the new champion. It doesn't have to be some crazy domination, because that's what leads to shitty decisions where a guy really does beat the champion, but he only edges him, and then he never gets the nod. Those are frustrating as fuck, because you think, he did it, I think he did it.

The other problem with the Frankie Edgar fight, this is an interesting point, is that when you're watching a guy who you think is going to get his ass kicked, a lot of people did. A lot of people thought Frankie Edgar was going to get, you know, BJ Penn is the greatest lightweight of all time. Frankie Edgar got beat by Gray Maynard. There's no way this guy's going to beat him. So people think that because he's doing well, he's winning.

Like, wow, he's doing better than I thought he was doing. So they say, holy shit, he's beating him. He's beating him. But when you go back and you watch it, that's why it's so much pressure to be a champion. So much pressure. I'll never forget this. When BJ Penn beat Matt Hughes,

I interviewed Matt after the fight and Matt said that he was relieved really? yeah just all the stress he was super honest

he said you don't know what it's like to be a champion and everybody's gunning after you he goes to be honest with you I'm really relieved

and I was really like first of all I was very impressed with his honesty that's a very honest thing to say when you just fought and you're standing there covered in sweat, naked in front of the fucking whole world, and you're like,

I'm relieved, I just lost. Now I can catch a breath, you know, relax. And then he came back and won the title again. You know, so I think he learned from the experience. But I think it's a tremendous amount of pressure for guys to fight and defend the title and to always worry about defending the title, especially in something like mixed martial arts. I mean, it's probably a tremendous amount of pressure if you're a fucking basketball team, you know, defending their world championship.

But a fighter, there's always guys coming up that are gunning for you. And every time you watch a UFC, there's some new murderer who's head kicking dudes into a fucking coma and he wants to do the same shit to you and he's talking shit about you, calling you a faggot and a bitch and like, Jesus Christ. You know, these guys get that's why they're so goddamn sensitive. Is that what's going on right now with Tito and Liddell, isn't it?

It seems like it. It seems like they're fighting back and forth. Tito is not fighting Chuck Liddell. Oh, really? Not fighting Chuck Liddell. Chuck Liddell is going to be fighting Rich Franklin. And I can only say this because it's officially been released. It was on the UFC's website. I can't say why. They've been going back and forth on Twitter.

I've been noticing it. It's kind of getting dirty. Yeah, well, it'll all come out what happened in time. I can't talk about it, though. Right. Oh. Yeah, that's what it is. So, anyway, that's what it is so um anyway that's uh that's that um but

you know when when dudes are defending their title i think there's a lot of emotions at stake and i think that's one of the things that people have to take into consideration with this anderson silva fight you know anderson silva everybody's angry at him. And it was a very disappointing fight, especially because the first two rounds, he looked like fucking Bruce Lee. I mean, it was like ridiculous shit. That flying knee that he hit him with in the first round, you're like, Jesus Christ, he's just going to steamroll this guy. He's just going to keep doing this until this guy just crumples. He's just going to keep attacking at will, and he's breaking this dude's will. He was just going to keep attacking at will, and he's breaking this dude's will.

It was totally humiliating. But I think that the emotion of defending the title, the emotion and the pressure of being regarded as the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world, I think that's an insane amount of pressure. I think it's insane. And I think when Damian Maia said shit to him, like, I'm going to take one of his arms home with me. You know, Henderson got fucking crazy. So when he was in there after the first round, after he was kicking his ass, in the second round, he just started talking mad shit and yelling at him in Portuguese. I wish I understood what the fuck he was saying.

It's not been translated yet? Well, some people have given rough translations of it on the internet, but I don't know how you could possibly hear. I watched the fight, and I turned the volume way up. It's so hard to discern what he's saying because there's no microphone on him he's not miked headphones man and the crowd is screaming and cheering and we're talking over him right so me and mike were talking like what is he saying you know and he's going nuts screaming and yelling at even if you had headphones on i think it would still be hard screaming and yelling at uh damian maya and i

guess he was calling him like a spoiled rich kid or something like that like just damian miles like comes from a better upbringing i don't know what it was where's your jujitsu now is another thing that people are speculating he was saying like where's your jujitsu where is it bam then kicks up where's your jujitsu see i didn't have a problem with it like i'm not on the boat that dane is on and everyone else is on with it because I don't care about, like, the respect thing. To me, if he can play fucking air guitar in the ring, you're putting him up against somebody that shouldn't be there.

Like, if you put him in with, like, a Brock that's just attacking him where he doesn't have a chance to do all this fun shit in the ring, then that's different than that guy just going to his back every time because he wants to do jiu-jitsujitsu I mean if he doesn't want to you know he was laying on his back he kept on going to his back to me I was like well right he only went to his back because he failed the takedown and right he has to do that he has to fall backwards because if he moves forwards he's gonna get punted he doesn't really that's really when when you pull when

you shoot on a guy and you don't get the takedown, what happens is, like say, say you shoot on a guy, you try to get a hold of him, he sprawls. You have to follow, when a guy sprawls, he kicks his legs back.

Right. When he kicks his legs back, you have to follow his legs with your legs to try to stay a hold of him. Right. But of course Anderson knew this was going to happen

and Anderson is so much more explosive and so much faster than him. Like I've always said, I think he's in the matrix. Like I think he's just seeing this shit, like he can see something going on five seconds before it happens and then i think all right you got to get somebody that's in the matrix okay but how come he couldn't keep doing that because he didn't do that in the fourth round the fourth round he got fucking whomped the fourth or the fifth he got hit with a big ass left hand where

you know why because he got he stopped doing it because he heard what all the people booing at him and probably dana might have like got up and left or something crazy like that he probably was like all right i guess i have to get out of this matrix for a while and be somebody that i'm not what the fuck are you talking about i mean if you look if you look how smooth and calm he was up to like about the fourth one then it seems like something happened between the third and the fourth he was yelled at or something. He got tired. That's what happened.

He got tired. We're outside. Right. It's super humid. Right. It's hot as fuck. It's first time fighting outside. It's, you know,

he's gotten two rounds of clowning in. Right. And, you know, I think all that energy that he expended, he could not keep up that kind of pace.

Right. He was winning the fight based on sheer explosion and absolutely, totally avoiding any damage, which is his style. But then he got hit. When he got hit in the third round, or the fourth round rather, I think it was the fourth or the fifth, he got hit with a big left hand. I think he shut down.

I think he was like, fuck this. I think he really decided, I can get hurt here. He's tired. So he decided to keep moving. I really do think that's what happened. Because the fifth round, he didn't do jack shit. You know, and there was one segment where he was standing over Maya, and Maya was throwing bombs at him from his knees.

Maya was throwing punches from his knees. And Maya was just trying to fucking kill him. He just couldn't connect to them. And in that kind of exchange, normally, Anderson just lights dudes up. That kind of exchange, the guy's coming at him, attacking him, bombing him, and he doesn't counter, why isn't he countering? He's tired. That's what happened.

And I don't hear a lot of people saying this. I think in the fourth and the fifth rounds, I think he was tired. I think he was too tired to fight at his normal pace, which is his explosion inside and outside, his speed that he uses. He's lightning fast, man. And when he dives in like that, he's so much faster than everybody else. And that's one of the keys

to his countering. But when he got tired, he wasn't as fast anymore. He just wasn't. He lost a lot of esteem. And I think he decided to just coast. He's like, fuck it. I won this fight. I'm just going to coast. So do you think that's his fault for being able to coast?

It's a good point. Because Brock wouldn't let somebody coast for two rounds. Neither would Fedor. Fedor would put a guy out. He would find the guy and put him. But Fedor is not afraid to get hit. Anderson never gets hit. Fedor gets his face busted up. I mean, the Brett Rogers fight, like, right on, like, first round, first minute,

he got hit with a big jab and his nose broke open. He had a cut on his nose going into the fight. Anderson never gets cut. He never gets hit. He got hit more in the Damian Maia fight than I'd ever recall him. He definitely got hit harder. There's one animated gif online that someone found um of damien why maya stepping in and and cracking silva with a big fucking left

hand and really hit him square and silva wobbled and moved away and started dancing that's a guy who got hit that's a guy who's tired and got hit i think he fucked around too much in the beginning he blew a ton of energy. We're outside. It's humid. And then I think psychologically he starts thinking, what the fuck am I doing? You know,

I'm acting like an asshole and screaming and yelling at this guy. And then he's standing in front of the dude clowning him and he gets cracked. And then I think

he just decided to move. Just fuck this. See, I'm a huge Silva fan still. I don't care what happened. I think he, if anything, he learned his lesson in this shit. But I don't, like happened. I think he, if anything, he learned his lesson in this shit.

But I don't, like all these people are like, you know, blaming him for this and I just don't see it. I'm like, why isn't the other guy let him do all this? Well, here's the problem. Here's the problem. First of all, it was a historic UFC. He was the headline fight and one of the goals

of course, besides winning, winning is the number one goal for a fighter but the other goal is to entertain you have to realize that you're in a partnership with the ufc and the ufc sells pay-per-view and what they say sell pay-per-view on is based on how impressive and exciting your performance is yeah but would you play easy when you play easy and you just run away and you don't attack he could have finished that guy off in the second round he could have maybe finished him off even in the third round. He had just put himself in danger.

And he's not willing to put himself in any danger. And he's very smart for that. He's a well-calculated fighter. I see the argument for that. However, for what he did in the fourth round and the fifth round, I don't see an argument for. Because he didn't do shit. He didn't attack at all.

He didn't fight. He literally didn't fight. Maybe he couldn't. You know? He definitely couldn't fight the way he fought in the first two rounds. And he's not willing I think at this point in time, with all the pressure on him being widely regarded as the best pound for pound fighter in the world, he's not willing

to get in an exchange and get cracked. He's got a tremendous ego. Especially for entertainment. I see the entertainment thing, but I also see, hey, is this entertainment part going to make me lose this fight? Because if it is, I'm not going to do that. Yeah, I mean, look, I think there's definitely some worry about that.

I think he definitely was worried about, you know, if he was tired and if he was going to those fourth and fifth rounds. The only thing that makes sense to me is that he moved around because he didn't feel like he could fight at the pace that he fought at before, and when that guy hit him, he said, you know what? This isn't a game.

I could get hurt here. I could lose, and I would look completely retarded. So let's just move around. Fuck this guy. I'll throw some feints. I'll move around. Feint. The other guy should have attacked him more. Yes. He couldn't. The bottom line with Damian Maia is Damian Maia has a tremendous heart, but his striking is so below what Anderson's is.

The only way it's going to work is if Anderson's really tired. And Anderson wasn't willing to stand in front of him when he's really tired. So who do you think Silva can fight that would just change the game? The guy would come in there and won't let Silva do any of this shit. It's a good question. Some people say Vitor Belfort. But the problem with Vitor Belfort is Vitor has had some very uneven performances. Sometimes he just looks unstoppable.

Against Rich Franklin, against Vanderlei Silva, he comes charging out in the first round. But sometimes against Sakuraba, things don't go his way and he kind of shuts down. And guys wind up beating his ass. He broke his hand in the Sakuraba fight early and you could see him totally shut down and Sakuraba just kicked his ass. In the Randy Couture fight, same thing. Randy Couture just broke him. Got on top of him and just beat him up. In his first fight with Randy Couture and

in his third fight. The second fight stopped really quickly because Randy had a cut on his eyelid and his eyelid opened up. It was like split in the middle. He got glanced with a punch. And then Vitor became the champ for one fight. And then when Randy beat him up in the rematch, Randy got on top of him and just broke him.

You know, Vitor, if guys put a tremendous amount of pressure on him in the past, they've been able to break him. But the other argument to that is he was going through a tremendous amount of personal problems back then. He's a different guy now. His sister had been abducted and kidnapped and killed. And he was really devastated for years. And that he's over that now.

And he's very religious and more at peace with himself and more in tune. And his last few performances have been staggering. Like the Matt Lindland destruction. He destroyed Matt Lindland. He looked outstanding. And then he came to the UFC and destroyed Rich Franklin. I mean, he looked scary as fuck. And Anderson, you know, did not want that fight.

They were talking mad shit to each other. I mean, they were, you know, Anderson's manager was trying to say that Vitor doesn't deserve the title fight. Like, what are you talking about? He's the scariest motherfucker at 185 besides Anderson. Of course he deserves it. I don't think they wanted that fight. I think, you know, they can talk all the shit they want about him being weak and, you know, Vitor's weak course he deserves it. I don't think they wanted that fight. They can talk all the shit

they want about him being weak and Vitor's weak and he breaks mentally. He comes at you in that first round. You have to fight him before you break him. Before you break him, he's throwing light speed fucking barrages of punches like no one else in the business. He's scary as fuck.

If he really is a better, more mature person, if he really is more centered now and he's not going to break and really is like at home with himself and really his problems in the past where he was going through a lot of emotional and personal problems, but those have actually made him stronger. If that's the case, everybody's fucked because that guy's a freak. He's so fucking fast. He might be the only guy that's faster than Anderson. He's a counter-striker. And he's not as long as Anderson, so Anderson would have a little

bit of an advantage, a reach advantage. But goddamn, Vitor's fast as fuck. And he's a super athlete. Jon Jones is a freak too. But Jon Jones is 205. Jon Jones can't make 185. What about GSP versus Silva? Could that ever happen? It was going to happen. That should happen. It was going... No, they'll never do that now. They can't trust Anderson. Now happen? It was going to happen. That should happen. It was going to.

No, they'll never do that now. They can't trust Anderson. Now they can't trust him to perform. And this is what I was saying before. This is why this fight was so important. This is why they're so pissed. Okay? Because of the last two rounds, you know, him just running away.

The UFC is owned, 10% of it is owned by Flash Entertainment, which is the royal family in Abu Dhabi. And this was like a huge showcase for them. This was like their big acquisition. They're partners now, and they're going to help bring the UFC to all these world markets all over the world. So everyone's all excited about this. So then they have this huge event where it's like a $3 million gate for ticket sales. They have fucking Ferrari World.

They put it inside Ferrari World. First outside thing. The thing looks fantastic. The crowd is insane. The crowd was awesome. They were so pumped up. Everybody was super fucking rowdy. Every fight was chaos.

Except the BJ Penn-Frankie-Edgar fight. That was just very close. But there was some wild-ass fights before the Brad Blackburn and Demarcus Johnson. God damn! Kendall Grove and Mark Munoz. That fucking fight was awesome. It was just nuts. The crowd is hyped to the gills.

Anderson Silva comes in. They go fucking crazy. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. The music plays. You see him dancing. They're going fucking bananas. And he runs for the last two rounds. And, dude, it was a disaster.

Everybody walked out of there with their head hung, shaking their head, going, what the fuck? Everyone was disappointed. It wasn't like there was two arguments. Some people were saying, well, I see his point. Why take a chance? No. Everyone was bummed out. What the UFC sells is just wild shit.

You're selling wild fucking chaos fights, the most exciting sport in the world. What Anderson Silva is selling is he's the very best at the wild shit. And meanwhile, he didn't do it. The last two rounds, he just ran away. That's terrible for the business. It's terrible for what thec is trying to accomplish in other countries it's terrible for their new partnership with flash entertainment it's terrible to have a ufc outside and all the fighters be out of their element too it is you're right but it's even

they're both out of their element yeah but they're also i mean that's just different you know that's like playing football by the time he was he was fighting though it was it had cooled down it had cooled down to like maybe a 70s but the first guys yeah John Madsen and Mustafa Al-Turk

those motherfuckers fought in a sauna so what do you think about that Gracie fight though I thought that was awful well Henzo hadn't trained for two and a half years wow

that's a long time yeah he said he didn't train at all this is what he said in the post-fight interview. And then he trained for six months for the fight, and it just wasn't enough. Matt Hughes, for him, he had been looking to knock somebody out forever. So for him, it was an awesome opportunity to finally get someone who was going to stand in front of him.

Wow. Yeah, I liked Matt Hughes in it. Yeah, he leg kicked the shit out of him. I thought he was going to take him down. Yeah. I thought he would beat him from the top. Because Matt Hughes, even though Akenzo has really good jiu-jitsu, Matt Hughes' jiu-jitsu is very underrated.

And he's very strong in his wrestling. Look what he did to Hoist when he got him on the ground. Yeah. He just ran through Hoist when he got him on the ground. Yeah. He's strong as fuck, man. And I just think, you know, it would have been more exciting if they went to the ground. Right.

You know, both would have been in their element. Instead, it was like a sloppy kickboxing match. It was bad. It looked like Ultimate Fighter, like the first episode. Yeah, like the TV show. Yeah, it's a bunch. I mean, they're both doing things they're not good at. It's like you and I, we're going to have a one-on-one game of basketball.

We both fucking suck at basketball. It would be terrible. we'd both fucking suck at basketball it would be terrible but if they both tried to take each other down and had a ground battle that would have been exciting as fuck for Matt Hughes though it was a smart move

he had an advantage standing up and plus no one's going to take him down it's very tough to take that guy you've got to be like GSP to take Matt Hughes down so he wasn't going to take him down and Matt Hughes felt like he had an advantage standing so beat him up so that's what he did he beat him up with leg to take him down, and Matt Hughes felt like he had an advantage standing, so beat him up. So that's what he did. He beat him up with leg kicks, slowed him down, and then eventually planted him.

You know, I think Matt Hughes still has a lot of fights in him if he wants to. There's still a lot of good matchups for him if he really gets motivated. I don't think he's going to fight like that with that many people, though. I think his decision to stand up with him was purely based on that he felt like he had an advantage in that position. He needs to change his opening song already. I'm done with it. Oh, get the fuck out of here. That's a goddamn classic. What your man says is the end.

Fuck you. I'm going to play that now because you said that, you motherfucker. I'm just saying that, you know, it's... Fuck you. I'm done with that. My favorite fights are that Japanese dude that's not fighting anymore at the UFC because he lost the last one, where he dresses up and he has fun with the opening. Like, the Japanese pride guy.

Oh, yeah. Gono? Gono's the best. He is my favorite, man. Yeah. He's a fucking class. I wish they would... There's no chance he's ever coming back to UFC, right?

Yeah, there's a chance. Oh, really? Gono's still pretty young, man. I like him. He's one of my favorites. You love this song, motherfucker. In the Mississippi river, she's a golden driver. This is his walkout.

Come on, man. This is a great goddamn song. You never wanted to live in the woods like this motherfucker? Yeah. I liked it the first 500 times I've heard it. God, I don't give a shit. When he comes out to that, and he's fucking chewing on his mouthpiece, come on, son. This is the greatest walkout music ever.

I know. In my opinion, there's no better walkout music than this song from Matt Hughes. There's no better match. What's better? Come on, son. It's perfect, Laurence. Mix it up a little. I'm show. Mix it up a little. I'm always about mixing it up a little.

Nah, you're lying. The guy won a million fucking fights with that song. Yeah. Fuck you. It's the greatest song ever. Plus, the UFC owns that song. Oh, that's perfect. They bought the rights to that song because of Matt Hughes.

Yeah, so they can use it all the time. Yeah, the UFC is fucking crazy. Is there any word on a new Kimbo fight? Kimbo versus Mitrione, May 9th. Nice. In Montreal. Nice. You can go if you want.

Want to come to Montreal? Where's it at? Montreal? No, I don't want to go. Yeah. Yeah, kid gets fucking four seats to the UFC. How about all you people out there that are like, fuck man, I would like to go.

You can't even go. That's bullshit. All right. So. out there that are like fuck man i would like to go you can't even go that's bullshit all right um so uh i actually prefer it dude watching on tv yeah you would too i bet you would if you were with us we go to barney's beanery now there will come a time where i'll be watching it on tv i'm not gonna do this forever yeah we go to barney's beanery there's a tv at our table a plasma right in front of us there's like movie theater tv. We got waitresses bringing us to jail court. Worst food ever. Beer.

There's like 20 of us. I mean, it's like a party. Yeah, that's better, right? It's way better. It is better. God damn it. You got to call in sick soon. I know, right?

I'm responsible for part of the entertainment part of it, though. The talking part. Yeah. You know, I would like to. I like watching it with commentary, man. I don't... I would way rather watch somebody else do commentary, like Michael Chiavello.

Like, if Michael Chiavello and Goldberg got together and then, like, put a fighter in there, like Pat Miletic or something like that, I'd be happy as fuck to sit home and watch that. Right. It's too bad you can't do it from your home. Like, you know how, like, XM radio stations, they could do their shit from home now?

Too bad you can't just sit there with a TV and watch no because I have to interview the fighters what are they going to do holograms man with a monitor real doll

yeah fucking a robot fuck doll with me that's what we were talking about before that when they

could replicate people the first thing they do is replicate celebrities so you can fuck them yeah so no eventually though I'm just going to do stand up I don't know when that when they could replicate people, the first thing they'd do is replicate celebrities so you could fuck them. Yeah. So, no. Eventually, though, I'm just going to do stand-up.

I don't know when it's going to happen, but maybe sooner than later. I don't like all this traveling. It's getting crazy. That's for your health, man. There's one thing that everyone was talking about at the bar I was at is that there's too many UFCs now. They were all talking about that.

Really? Yeah. They're like, that's why we're coming here because I can't afford two UFCs a month. Meanwhile, the pay-per-view numbers are still awesome. Oh yeah, absolutely. They'll always be awesome. The point is though, the more they do it, the more it grows and the more it becomes a part

of the culture and it's 12 months a year and it never stops. I mean, it really is going to take over everything. You know what's going to happen eventually? I'll probably just do the Vegas ones eventually. I'll just do some of them. Or the LA.

They won't ever stop. They won't come back to LA. They won't come back very often. They go to LA like once a year

or every two years or something like that. We've got too many places to go. We've got to go to fucking Germany and Ireland and Australia

and all this shit. How about Ohio? Why does it have to be crazy? Well the WEC went to Ohio this year. I know. But why do you

have to go to Afghanistan? Why do you just go to Ohio? Because they want to went to Ohio this year I know but why do you have to go to Afghanistan is why do you just go to Ohio you know because they want to take over the world you know they want to take over the world look they have a product that was very very undersold right when they first came into the UFC the UFC had insane potential but very little coverage very few people know about it when when I first started working for the UFC, it was in 1997. And the company that I worked for was SEG, a much smaller company than the UFC now, Zufa. It was, you know, a lot of the same guys are still there. A lot of the behind-the-scenes guys.

We did shows in, like, little fucking high school auditoriums in, like, Dothan, Alabama and shit. Like, really small ass shows and we always said you know what this sport needs this sport needs some fucking crazy billionaires who just love the sport to come in there and just shove it in front of people's faces put it on tv spend a fuckload of money and make it huge but nobody ever thought that was really going to happen but that is what happened with zufa what happened is these guys that own 22 fucking casinos happened to be UFC fans and they decided to buy it for fun.

You know, let's buy the UFC. That'll be fun. And so they get Dana to run it. I mean, you'd have to be crazy to get that fucking guy to run it. You know, I mean, think about that. Or really intelligent. Yeah, well, he's the perfect guy for it. The perfect guy for it, but what other corporation would have a president or a CEO like that?

A fighting corporation. But there are no other ones. You know what I'm saying? It's like you would go – they would have a businessman who would step in and do it. Meanwhile, Dana is just a nut and a crazy fight fan. I mean he's the perfect guy for the job. Literally, you couldn't get a better guy for the job. But then they took over.

But they realized when they took over, once it started taking off after the Ultimate Fighter TV show started airing, they realized that all the sport needed in America was exposure. And this is a sport that transcends cultural boundaries, languages. It transcends everything, traditions. Everybody understands fighting. You know, nobody's going to watch fucking cricket in America. You're never going to sell that. You know, you could try to watch fucking cricket in America. You're never going to sell that. You could try to make people think they're

sophisticated if they enjoy soccer, or maybe your family's from Latin America, so you like soccer, but no one is going to fucking buy cricket. They're not going to buy cricket. But fighting? Fighting is everywhere. You can watch fighting in China. You can watch fighting in Germany.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you understand the language. I like watching the old prides. I used to get prides straight from Japan. And the commentary would all be in Japanese. It was fucking awesome. I didn't even know what they were saying. But they... What do we do when we get knocked out?

They would go crazy screaming in Japanese. It was fucking awesome. I didn't have to know what they were saying I love it I loved everything about Pride even the opening walk I thought it was great I did like all the pageantry

how they had the giant screens the dude's face on it and shit I thought that was pretty dope I think it's fun man it's ridiculous they had pyrotechnics for a while

but then Joe Hill de Oliveira got burnt he got barbecued doing one of the pyrotechnics well that's what the CBS fight MMA tried to do right do they? yeah they had like live music bands like Kid Rock got burnt. He got barbecued during one of the pyrotechnics. Well, that's what the CBS fight MMA tried to do, right?

Did they? Yeah, they had like live music bands like Kid Rock. Oh, you're talking about Elite XC. Yeah, that was ridiculous. That was so stupid.

Yeah. They had a band play a song. Oh, no, Affliction did that. Affliction did that. Yeah, it was Affliction. Yeah.

Of course. Yeah, those silly fucks. They had a band play a song in the middle of the fucking fight. Like in the middle of the show. Was it either the middle of the show? Did fights go on and then the band played? I think that's what it was.

Or did the band play in the beginning? I think that's what it was. In between fights or something like that. So dumb. You don't want to mix that. It's like people have asked me before to open up for bands, like do comedy. We're going to have like four bands. We'd like you to go on in the middle and do comedy.

Fuck. It's the worst. It doesn't work like that, man. Nobody wants to see your comedy when they're in the groove to see music. And nobody wants to see your fucking band if they're in the groove to see fights. I agree. You know, it's just like, you can't stop a rock concert and put on a fight. You can't do it.

It wouldn't be as good. You know, you couldn't have have some fucking awesome Rolling Stones concert and then stop it halfway through the middle and have an MMA fight. People would be like, what is this? This is bullshit. What am I watching? It's better when you only have one thing.

One thing is good. These extravaganzas that's why I hate doing award shows, doing comedy like award shows doing comedy on award shows because they have like all these awards and little clips and then you do

stand up in the middle of it. It's like ugh. The last time I did that was the Guy's Choice Award for Spike. It was disastrous. It was terrible.

Nobody wanted to hear anybody's comedy. It was like the whole thing was like they were sitting there for three hours watching some boring ass award show.

It was like they wanted to just get the fuck out of there by the time I got on stage. Did you hear about the Conan deal? Yeah, he's going to do TBS. Right before Lopez. That's awesome. I think it's good for him. You know why?

It's great for both of them, I think. For both of them, yeah. And you know why I think it's good for him, too? It's because they'll let him do whatever the fuck he wants. Yeah. It's TBS. What the fuck? Exactly.

TBS is going to blow up now. It's going to blow up. And by the way, Conan's already rich right he made so much money from that just leaving NBC you know they gave him like

35 million bucks he can do whatever the fuck he wants now is TBS the same company as Spike no I don't think so I don't know

Comedy Central is Comedy Central and Spike are that's why my special first aired on Spike and then aired on Comedy Central right and you can get my that DVD's available now

so go go buy that shit Amazon link on your website yeah it's on Comedy Central. Right. And you can get my, that DVD's available now, so go buy that shit. Amazon, link on your website. Yeah, it's on my website, on joerogan.net, and it's on, it was the number two on iTunes. Yeah. I don't know if it still is. Yeah, Robin Williams, what the fuck. It's hilarious. Did you ever go ahead of Beatle?

I don't know if I ever beat him. I bet you have. But, God, how could, I don't get that. I understand how some people think some things are funny. You know, there's some guys that I get that people think they're funny, but I don't get that. I understand how some people think some things are funny. There's some guys that I get that people think they're funny, but I don't see it. The Robin Williams thing goes right over my head. I go, what are you laughing at? I have never laughed at him once.

Maybe in a movie. When I was a kid, I listened to his stand-up because it was raunchy. He was talking about his dick, and I was seven years old watching HBO. So that's the only reason I ever liked him. He never did it for me. And then when I heard he was a giant thief, then he's forever tainted. Even if he says something funny, I'm watching him. He says something funny, I'm like, where'd you get that from?

Who'd you steal that from? You fuck. So speaking of crazy celebrities, did you hear about Steven Seagal? Steven Seagal got arrested. He did? Yes. That's impossible. He's getting sued. He didn't get arrested.

Andy Dick got arrested. Yeah. Did you hear about that? Yeah. He walked into someone's house. Well, he was also, the day before, he was thrown out of a winery in Santa Barbara for being too drunk. How do you get thrown out of a winery? I blame Dr. Drew.

You blame Dr. Drew? If you're out there, I blame you. Why do you blame Dr. Drew? You have an able dandy dick, sir. He was on Sober House with Dr. Drew. Oh, that's the kind of... I don't know. Wasn't Dr. Drew Sober House?

Was that it? I don't think so. Whichever one it is. What is it? Celebrity Rehab? Was he on that? He was on one of them. He was on Celebrity Rehab? I don't think so. He was on something. I don't know. Wasn't Dr. Drew Soberhouse? Was that it? I don't think so. Whichever one it is. What is it? Celebrity Rehab? Was he on that? He's on one of them. He was on Celebrity Rehab?

I don't think so. He's on something. I don't know. He's probably just on Dr. Drew's dick. Maybe I'm just a mad... How dare you? How rude. Dr. Drew.

We're just kidding. Just kidding, Dr. Drew. Just kidding. Fucking Celebrity Rehab is spectacular. Oh, it's one of my favorite shows ever. If you ever wanted motivation to not do drugs, watch Tom Sizemore on celebrity rehab dude not even him what about that chick that that oh annoying place oh the other one you know yeah the crazy sex addict chick i i swear to god she's one of those girls that that they shouldn't even have her on the show because it's just disgusting

yeah to watch she's pretty gross i actually like actually ended up liking the girl from that day. What's that? She used to be on that old sitcom that has the dog that died during the show that wrote the book about being molested. Oh, Mackenzie Phillips.

I actually liked her by the end of it. Yeah, she's a nice person. Yeah, she seemed cool. Her whole story is horrific. Yeah, it is horrible. If you don't know the story,

Mackenzie Phillips' dad fucked her like her whole life. Like she had a sexual relationship with her dad like her whole life like she had a sexual relationship with her dad like her whole life and her dad shot her up with heroin or with cocaine when she was 11 what 11 and her dad shot her up with coke I mean the whole thing is just the the most horrific thing you could ever possibly imagine that someone would do this to

their kid and fuck their kid their whole life had a sexual relationship with their kid to the point where she told her like hey we could leave we could go to countries where this is totally acceptable what country is he going to go to right what country is it acceptable to fuck your kids right is there one out there no that should be just death jesus christ that should be death yeah well uh speaking of death the catholic religion is fighting to uh they're trying to uh um impose a statute of limitations on sexual molestation cases because right now there's a statute of limitations on sexual molestation cases that's like i believe it's like 30 years. So they're trying to impose, they're trying to make sure that that sticks. They want to make sure that they don't change it to no statute of limitations because

then anytime someone has a case, right now if the case is more than 30 years old, I think it's 30 years, pretty sure. If the case is more than 30 years old, you have to, if you're going to be a part of a case, you have to be joining with other people that are also inside the case. So say if someone has a case that's 29 years old and yours is 30 and the same priest fucked you, then you can join in if yours is older. I see. But if yours is the individual case, they're saying they don't want you to be able to sue. And people are saying, saying no this is crazy and meanwhile the the catholic church is urging people to vote against

this because they're saying that it's an assault on the church how is pedophiles how is shielding pedophiles with a statute of limitations how is that fucking helping the church and how would getting rid of any any statute of limitations that would you know impose a timeline for when you can be prosecuted for a horrible crime against humanity how could that be what god wants that god wants you to sick of it joe you know you know joe i was thinking about today i just got in a huge fight with my sister i unfacebooked oh your sister let's talk about well you can't talk about i can't but i could't, but I can tell you about this. I unfacebooked her, and because I unfacebooked her, she's about to have a baby, and she said that I can no longer be an uncle

because I unfacebooked her. But there's only two times... You can't be an uncle? Anymore. She's not allowing me. Oh, that's hilarious. But this all stems... You want to be an uncle to my daughter? Huh? Sure.

Oh, you're an uncle now. Bam! Uncle now. There you go. See? You can't steal. You can't steal the uncle. He's an uncle. So anyways, there was two times that I've gotten into such a huge fight with my sister. Both of these times, it rooted from religion.

Well, you know what, man? People want to believe that there's some rules and regulations to the world because it makes them feel better. And when you come along and say that they're not, that they don't exist then it makes them we have to reevaluate their whole life they fucking hate it they get angry at you because you're fucking up their peace you're fucking they've developed a peace of mind from the idea that you know the God is great God is good you do the right things you're gonna go to heaven like that helps them get through the day man yeah and for a lot of people it's a nice simple box to put the world in and when you go fuck it's a fucking box look it's a box throw it away they go fuck you give me my box right they want that box back man it

makes sense it's so the real problem is when anybody tells you that they know that's when it's the problem game over game over game over man game over man it's fucking fuck this man you can't tell me you know. You don't know man. You're not dead. You're not in heaven. You're not an alien. You're not from the future. You don't know.

Shut the fuck up. Fuck religion. Fuck it all. Fuck religion. Fuck any ideologies. Anybody telling you how you can live your life. You know what is good? When people offer advice.

And people say this is what I've learned from my mistakes. And this is what I've learned from my life. And this can possibly benefit you if you come across the same situations. This is what I've learned from my mistakes and this is what I've learned from my life and this can possibly benefit you if you come across the same situations this is what I've learned this has made my life easier this made my life better I learned to be nicer to people I learned to suck it up when this happens I learned to look in the mirror when you got problems I learned to evaluate you know and look at my own life objectively before I start pointing the finger to other people those are all

things that can help you when you start start talking about, you know, you kind of have pork and Allah does not want... If a photo of Muhammad is available, you must die. Jeez, that guy keeps on getting threatened. He almost got murdered the other day. Which guy? The cartoonist that drew Muhammad. Oh, yeah. The other day, he almost got...

It was like last week or something like that. Dude, people have been killed for that. People have been killed for drawing Muhammad. Why is Trey Parker and Matt Stone not dead yet? Did they draw Muhammad? They had a whole episode about Muhammad. That's a good question. This guy just had a stupid family circus comic.

When I went over to Abu Dhabi, I was thinking, I hope none of these motherfuckers have a copy of Shiny Happy Jihad. I know. I was thinking that too. Dude, my last CD, not this one, but the one before that, was called Shiny Happy Jihad. Oh, they probably know that. I have a copy of it.

I'm going to start giving them away. Because I just got a box of them. Right. Dude, your one CD is out of print. I still think the idea of... The first one? I had an idea. He has this old, old CD though.

Can't do it. Remix it. No, no, remix it. Like, remix the bits into like, you know, because they're all lost bits. Yeah, but they're gone. They gotta go. Yeah, but that's a good idea. I need new shit, man.

I gotta keep going. But this is, this is what I was worried, if you're not familiar with any of my comedy. It's fucking, it's called Shiny Happy Jihad, and it's me, can you see that? Yeah, the glare. It's me, what is the glare here? There we go it's me with fucking tmt and it says g hot on it i mean that's it's probably one of my best cds i think it's my favorite uh the last one is really good too the last one's a little headier this one's a little sillier i don't know it's one

of my favorites but i was like god i hope none of these motherfuckers have this. Because, like, half of the bits are about suicide bombing and fucking making fun of Osama bin Laden living in a cave. I mean, it's a lot of... A lot of... Jihad! There's a lot of that in there. Some guy remixed that, Jihad, and made a terrible song out of it i still think you need to work on your new song that you wrote in tempe i think that's a great song he has a song

that's in tempe and where was it arizona that was number one oh that song yeah yeah well that song yeah that song was really um popular in uh vo Panani. It was like number one for like... Yeah, it was number one for like a couple of months because these guys, Tim and Mark in Phoenix... I love those guys. Yeah, they don't work there anymore, unfortunately. They got fired. You probably don't know them.

You're thinking of somebody else. Yeah. No, the ones that we filmed the original DVD for like three years ago, four years ago. Were they there? Yeah, I filmed something for it. Well, anyway, these guys, they started playing it. It's this song about pussy, about voodoo pussy.

It's called Voodoo Poonanny. But you can play it on the radio. It's like, it's pretty clean. It's all about any guy knows what this is all about. Like, there are girls, vaginas are not created equal. They're just not. You know, and sex is not equal either. You can have sex with one person and it's boring as fuck and then you can have sex with another

chick and she's just a god damn freak. And every now and then you'll come across a girl who's a freak and she's got a super pussy. And there are pussies that are super pussies. Yeah. Where you get in and you're like God damn! There was this one girl that I used to fuck, and literally, her pussy was like velvet. There was something going on in there. It just gripped your dick. And she wasn't a small girl. She was tall.

But her pussy was super tight and always wet. And she was just a total pervert. Just a freak. And literally, it was like a drug. And I used to call it voodoo pussy. I'm like, this bitch has got voodoo pussy. So I had to write a song about voodoo pussy. So I wrote this song, Voodoo Poonanny, which is on my 1999 CD, which is called I'm Gonna Be Dead Someday.

So, you know, I thought about writing another song. I might write something else if i found a subject i like the new one i thought the new one is pretty funny i've seen your girl's butthole we were high one night and i just started singing that and it got stuck in everybody's head and all night we were just walking around going i've seen your girl's butthole. I can't tell you what the subject, why this came up. There's this dude that we know was dating this girl that does some things where you might be able to see her butthole. Like the whole world could see it. That's funny.

I like that guy though. He's a good guy. He's a good dude. I like that dude. So you've been using your iTab. What's it called? iPad a lot lately? Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.

How was the battery life? Did you use it the whole way? Fucking phenomenal, yeah. I used it the whole way. I didn't charge it once. I charged it right before I left, but I was reading with it every day, like reading in bed. And I was surfing the web on it. I was doing all sorts of shit on it, man.

I have a review I just did, and I showed this new application that lets you take your iPhone, and Bluetooth connects it to your iPad. It's like a wireless webcam. I saw that. And that's just like a shitty program. Can you imagine if Apple releases – here's my rumor, what I think it's going to be. I just made this up last night. So they have the new iPhone that comes out in June.

They're going to announce. There's all this rumor saying it's going to have a front-facing camera with iChat. So you can do iChat live video on your phone. So what I think, they're waiting for that rumor, and they're going to release a Bluetooth HD camera that will snap on top of your iTab and do the same thing. So you can have like a little wireless camera for it. Why don't they just have a camera built inside of it? Why do they have to hiccup some Bluetooth thing up?

That's gay. Because then the Bluetooth is going to run out of batteries, and how is it going to plug? I'm going to have to charge it. That's stupid. Well, there's a new iPhone. Why can't you make it going to plug? I'm going to have to charge it. That's stupid. Well, there's a new iPhone. Why can't you make a camera in there? I think it's going to be like a $300 camera.

I think it's going to be like HD, like high-quality camera. You're just making this up. Oh, no, I am making this all up. You're no different than those Jesus people. This is my rumors. I think it's going to go back in time. I think it's going to go back in time with the new iPad, and it'll suck your dick while you take a shit. It's awesome.

That program alone just kind of made me go, you know what? Something like this is coming. That's what's going to happen eventually. Eventually, it's going to be like a portal to another dimension. There'll be a mouth on the other dimension. You get a hard-on and you put the iPad and your dick goes right through the iPad to someone's mouth. Can you imagine? You're not in another dimension.

Pull your iPad out. What if it crashes halfway through and your dick is stuck in the fucking 11th dimension it's just floating around it'd be like you know we did have a special episode of oprah winfrey guys who lost half their dick into another dimension maybe one dude's like i only lost the tip i was just about to put it in and we had a power outage i was just about to put it in i guess had a power outage. I was just about to put it in and I guess it was some sort of a solar flare. So now, I mean, the top of my dick is flat. It's kind of a novelty.

It just goes in like a beer can. It doesn't have a head. It doesn't have a curve to it. Just big, flat. Who knows what the fuck is coming up next, man. There's going to be some crazy shit though. It's going to keep going. They're going to keep inventing more and more nutty shit and like i said before i think that it's all it everything

has to do with connectivity everything has to do with bringing people closer and closer together that's what this whole tiger woods thing is all about that this would not have happened 30 40 years ago because there wouldn't be the kind of connectivity that people have now with the internet the internet keeps it's getting worse and man. Did you hear, what else just came out the other day? Fucking Oprah Winfrey. Oprah Winfrey, yeah. Yeah. And Jesse James.

It's just going to, it's just Jim Carrey. There was a good whole article on this whole thing on Gizmodo or Gizmondo or whatever it's called, .com, about celebrities ruining their careers from Twitter and all that stuff

because there's too much information getting out about them. And, you know, it's crazy. That is a good point because a lot of celebrities, really, the illusion is way better than who they are. Oh, yeah. You know, you get to know them. Right. You know, like. Because it is all a trick.

Yeah. You know. Most of it. Arnold Schwarzenegger is a trick, obviously. Well, look. You know how few actors would ever want to do something like this? Fuck. If they did, like. Because, look. Look at us. There's no makeup. We're just fucking hanging out in my office. obviously well look you know how few actors would ever want to do something like this fuck if they

did like because look look at us there's no makeup we're just fucking hanging out my office look i'm a fucking slob that's all my shit i'm cleaning out my office this is my my new desk is behind me i bought this fucking desk a year ago and i still have not set it up yet the desk that everything's on right now is too big so this desk i'm getting rid of. I'm moving that desk into place. And that wall is going to be green screened. I like how you always buy things and it's always in plastic shrunk. Yeah, I don't even open them. Like you have so many things that you've never even opened. Well, I am what you would be like if you were 12 years old and all of a sudden you had money.

Yeah, totally. Somebody just gave you free money. You just buy stupid shit. I have this because I think that – I that a lot of things up in my car and I don't want to be fiddling around. I just want to push a button. I got a digital recorder. When I drive, I come up. Do you come up with a lot of ideas

when you drive? Yeah, I do. But you know what's funny is we talked about this last week to the point where I have to get my words out as quick as possible. It happened to me like two days after that i thought this hilarious thing about metallica people were talking about metallica i'm like oh gotta get my iphone now got my iphone out and somebody says hey brian like oh hey lost it yeah don't even remember what it is i've been trying to think about it all the time it was so funny though i can't even remember yeah it's when

someone's talking to you and you have an idea you you can totally lose it. Like I'll get – if an idea is awesome, I will cover my ears and run away from someone. And they're like, what the fuck is wrong with you, man? You're fucking rude. And then I have to come back and explain to them, I'm so sorry. I had an idea and it was super important. But for me, any idea like that is like those are diamonds. Right. Like there's ideas that I've come up with that became bits.

Those bits are so valuable to me. You know, like my Anna Nicole Smith bit or something like that. Some of the classic bits that I had in the past. What if, as I was thinking that up, somebody came up to me and started talking to me about their stupid bullshit? Right. Because some people are fucking brutal and they don't take the hint. Right. Ever.

They just want to say what they have to say to you. You can't say, hold on a second. They'll just keep talking to on a second dude stop fuck I forgot fuck yeah you know what I was watching the UFC next to a guy didn't I just met was a friend of a friend but the whole fight he sounded like a reporter from the 1920s talking to Dick Tracy he was like so what do you think about that huh hey yeah so what do you think about that like I'm like even talked like that he's so what do you think about that? Huh? Hey, yeah, so what do you think about that? So, and I'm like, he even talked like that. He's like, what do you think about his legs?

Huh? I think his legs are good, huh? And I'm just like, oh, shut the fuck up. It's the worst. I hate people, like, I hate when people don't have that,

that quality of self-evaluating. Yes. You know what I mean? That just drives me crazy when I meet somebody that does that. How important is that? Oh, it's insane.

God, so, we know a lot of people that don't have that quality. Yeah, yeah. We know a lot God, so we know a lot of people that don't have that quality. Yeah, yeah. We know a lot of people. A lot of people. Most people don't have that quality. No, it's a bad quality.

And usually the people, this is another thing, the people who don't have that quality are usually not successful. And it's one of the reasons why they're not successful. Is that there's a disconnect between them and other people.

Other people do not see them the way everybody else does or them the way rather they see themselves. They see themselves like completely distorted and that's why they haven't been successful. They're not being objective because objectivity requires pain. You know, no one's perfect, okay, especially when you're younger. If you're not making mistakes, you're not trying. If you're not trying, you're not going to get better at anything you do. You're going to fuck up. You're going to fuck up. You're going to make horrible mistakes.

I mean, one of the reasons I got good at stand-up is because being bad at stand-up is so fucking painful. You know? And you've got to find that out by getting in front of people and having them hate you. Having them not laugh and boo you. Well, a lot of people don't have an audience in their life. They don't have anything to evaluate themselves with. So they don't evaluate themselves. Right.

So they have this distorted perception of how cool they are. That's with guys and drinking, that's the most painful. The most painful. Drinking, yeah. Drunks are the worst. And I've been, I admit it, I've done that before, but I've also, like, the next day slapped my forehead going, okay,

next time I drink, I gotta remember that I do that. But there's some people, especially the guys that get really close in your face when they're drunk. Some dude did that in Abu Dhabi. He kept telling me that he was some prince's cousin. And bro, I did this and that. And man, you come with me, all the bitches, man. Come on, man.

We're going to do business together. You and I are going to open up. I'm like, dude, get the fuck away from me. You're spitting in my ear. He's like speeding speeding in my ear man and telling me how we're gonna go into business together in dubai i'm like get the fuck out of here man we're not going into business together it's got zanku chicken my friend mike young used to do a joke about that was one of my favorite mike young bits about how everybody who does coke wants to open up a business with you because it's totally true when dudes do coke they always have business plans oh they have all kinds of plans all kinds of plans oh coke is the

worst drug in the world it's the worst drugs ever been created it is the number one retard drug there's no better when you're out and you're surrounded by a bunch of coke heads and they're just talking at you and the worst is when you're high and they're coked up is there ever a worse combination no no there's no worse combination than when you're stoned and you're hanging around coke heads because stone is like you're timid and you're humble you know when you when you smoke pot you all you start realizing like god i'm like this fleshy little thing you know like if there's a lion in this room that lion could just eat me. There's nothing I could do about it.

When you're coked up, you never think about a lion. Right. And if you do, you're like, ew, fucking lion. I tell that lion to suck my dick. You know, you get crazy. Meth is the worst, too. Somebody put meth on there also. Yeah, I agree with meth.

I wonder how many people, yeah, Robin Williams was a coke addict. I wonder how many people that I've been around have been on meth and I didn't know it. I bet a lot. We're in LA, man. I think half the people that we think are fucking crazy are just on meth. Yeah. Well, a lot of people are methed up, man. That is definitely true.

A lot of people that are like, when you see people that are real skinny and look drawn out and they're fucking talking wacky, it's something. What is it? It's some sort of amphet talking wacky, it's something. What is it? It's some sort of amphetamines, whether it's meth. Do you know that meth was invented during World War I? In World War II, the Japanese used it for suicide bombers. That's how they tucked the kamikazes into fucking crash- No way, really? Planes into boats.

Yeah, they would hook them up with meth. Nice. That's cool. The government has not only experimented with that. I mean, they've done, the Japanese government gave them amphetamines and crystal meth and shit like that. But also steroids. The United States government has done that in the past. Like soldiers have been told that they have to take certain pills, like you have to take things.

And when you take them, you find out it's like Anabar, which is like an oral steroid. Makes you super hyper aggressive which totally makes sense yeah and when guys are juiced up if guys are all juiced up they're fucking they feel like they're invincible

your body's all flooded with testosterone like gorillas must feel completely invincible you know when you're just fucking you know you're living in the woods

you're covered in hair you weigh 800 pounds they don't worry about shit they could totally beat a fighter by the way. Gorillas versus a person. Oh crush a person. No I mean a person

would beat a gorilla. Oh beat a gorilla? That argument with Eddie? Eddie was trying to make some crazy argument that there's people that could beat a chimp in a fight.

I'm like you're out of your mind. What the fuck? The chimp would just bite your fingers off. That's the first thing he would do. Now try fighting stupid. Oh you're punching him

in the head? Good. He's grabbing your hand and eating your fingers. So once all of your fingers are gone, then he's going to look at you and go, now what, bitch? Now I'm going to eat your asshole. And he'll dive onto your asshole and claw his way until he gets close to your butthole and you'll be fighting him off.

He's going to keep getting in there. I thought Eddie was joking the whole time, but I don't think he was. That's drunk Eddie. You know drunk Eddie. Was he I don't think he was. That's drunk Eddie. Drunk Eddie's you know drunk Eddie. Was he drunk? Yeah he was drunk. He's three drinks in.

Three drinks in is drunk Eddie. Once he poured that Jack Daniels the lights went out in Georgia. Fucking drums started playing

the Indian came out yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. So what? Brock would destroy a gorilla. Could you imagine

what a gorilla would do to Brock Lester you know just come charging at him bang just run across him

even Brock knows he can't fucking beat a gorilla storm you ever seen a gorilla rush a person it's so god damn

terrifying they rush you and they hope that you're just gonna back off and get away they just wanna claim your territory

but if you do turn and run they might just freak out just chase you and they hope that you're just going to back off and get away. They just want to claim your territory. But if you do turn and run, they might just freak out, just chase you and beat the fuck out of you. So you have to turn away, but you have to stand down. But you can't look like prey. Dude, chimps, chimps and gorillas, they are so strong, we couldn't even imagine. You couldn't even wrap your head around what they could do to you. They could literally grab you by the arm and throw you. Throw you. They would pull your arm literally right off your body. Like, no problem.

A pit bull could kill most people. Fuck yeah, dude. When I had Frank. That's a pit bull. That's a dog. You remember Frank. When I had Frank, I always used to think that. That if this dog wanted to, he could kill me.

He could kill anything. This fucking 90-pound pit bull with his big fire hydrant head if this dog wanted to, he could kill me. Right. He could kill anything. This fucking 90-pound pit bull with his big fire hydrant head. If he wanted to, he would kill me. You know, he doesn't know that. That's why, you know, I have the food. Right. That's why I like being around animals that can't kill me. That can only love.

Yeah. Like little kitty cats. Little kitty cats. So what do you think about the Steven Seagal thing? Steven Seagal got arrested. Or didn't get arrested. He's getting getting sued let's find the story right here because what happened was apparently he had some chick that was working for him and she was his she was his he's sued for trafficking women and sexual assault trafficking women the woman was a former model and she was hired by the actor as his executive assistant

last february this is on tmz so you know it's real mr sagal had been keeping two young female russian attendants on staff who were available for his sexual desires 24 hours a day seven days a week so apparently one of the assistants quit and sagal apparently only rolls with threesomes. So he made his assistant start slugging his dick. He's like, I need more than one. He had two hookers that were working for him 24-7 and one of them probably met some rich dude somewhere and got a better job.

How the fuck is Seagal having that much money still? He's got a TV show now. Yeah, but that's not shit. He's done a lot of, he's making money off that show. I mean, he's the star. I guarantee you he makes a few hundred thousand dollars

a year for sure off that show. Maybe half a million. Maybe more because he's a big star. He might make a million a year off that show. They might have given him a big deal. He might make more than a million a year.

So he's got that. Okay, then he's got, how many movies did he do? He did a lot of goddamn movies he got divorced in 1996 so everything from 1996 until now it's all his money i bet he's got a lot of money i bet he's got a ton of money his money this doesn't seem smart with his money seems like he'd spend all his money on ponytail juice ponytail juice ponytail juice what does that even mean conditioner how much is conditioner he's got good conditioner he's um i mean he's he's still a big star in those like foreign movies like

straight to video dvd sales because he can still sell a steven seagal movie you know you make it for cheap money and you sell it fairly cheap and then you know they air it on cable at three o'clock in the morning and they sell them on DVDs you know there's still some money in that but well like when I said was on when I was in Abu Dhabi when you go to Dubai Dubai's flooded with hookers there's hookers everywhere these Russian hookers so apparently there's a lot of them so it's not outside the realm of possibility that some actor we just hire two of them to be on call 24-7. I think it's – I mean, look, if that's how you want to roll, I think that's a pimp move.

I mean, the dude's not even fucking married, right? You can't really criticize it. I mean, you can criticize the fact that he's hiring prostitutes. But let's be honest. What the fuck is a lot of rich guys' wives? What are they? Are they really attracted to him? I mean, is Tiger is tiger woods wife does she really think he's hot you know or do you think he's hot because he's rich you know how many of them think he's hot because he's rich how

many super goofy looking dudes that are multi-billionaires who have these model wives these super fucking hot wives what What's going on there? Yeah. You know, Donald Trump. You ever see Donald Trump's wife? Hot as fuck. Yeah, he's a powerful man and all that good stuff. And they're attracted to that and security and all that good stuff.

But at the end of the day, he's rich. They're hot. He's ugly. What's going on there? Yeah. I mean, there's a form of prostitution. Right. It's, you know, it really is.

Yeah. I mean, what's the sexual prostitution is? The whole difference is that in sexual prostitution, apparently, the idea is that it's not good because there's no love. There's no real emotions, no relationship. It's just sex for money. But what if you date a girl and you actually enjoy her company and you enjoy her time and you like her and you say, listen, you have a shitty job and I have a lot of money. How about you quit your job and I pay you $1,000 a week and this is what you have to do. You just have to suck my dick anytime I want.

I mean you already like to do it anyway, right? But let's just make it sort of a job, okay? And you'll get a check every week but I don't want to hear any argument from you. I think that would be cool for like a year but I think after that, I don't know, man. I can see myself doing that if I had a lot of money. Women would think that it's demoralizing and it would be the exact opposite of why pay for the cow when the milk is free. It would be the exact opposite. It would be like, look, I know I'm getting free milk, but I would rather pay for the cow and have that fucking cow give me milk anytime I want with no argument.

I don't want to get up at 4 in the morning, go to milk you, and you start complaining. Listen, I'm going to pay you right now, and this is what happens. Our relationship now is we're still friends. I still love you. We're boyfriend and girlfriend. But I do whatever I want, and you suck my dick whenever I ask. Right. Now you have a job.

Is that prostitution? Yeah. Is that illegal? No. Is that illegal? I wouldn't say it's illegal, but I would say that's not. But it is illegal illegal i wouldn't say it's illegal but i would say that's not that but it is illegal if you say it is if you put on your tax forms i'm you know brian reichel's paid hooker you you go to jail yeah that's illegal yeah say if you had a chick you just have to do

it right you know you would have to write it out yeah but i mean look if you had a girl and she was a multi-millionaire and say say if you were a carpenter, okay? And, you know, this is your, you know, you met her and you used to do some shit around her house when you first started dating her. And, you know, you do a little carpentry here and there, but you did it for free because you loved her. And then all of a sudden she said, listen, you don't like your job. Why don't you just come for me? Work for me. You'll be my carpenter and you'll just do whatever I want to do whenever you want.

But the only difference is now I pay you. What is the difference between that and sucking your dick? There's very, very little difference. Right. If you have a chick, and she's working for you, and she just gets paid to blow you, but she used to blow you for free, but now she blows you because it's her job, because you pay her. Right. Is that bad? No, especially if you make her dress up in outfits. No, I'm not going to be a whore for you.

You're fucking cheap. You're only going to be my only whore. I only have one. It's only you. And I don't fuck any other girls. I would hate that. I would hate that. What would you hate?

You know, because I think the purpose, I don't know, my purpose is always finding somebody that would want to fuck me that much without any questions asked And that I would want to fuck that first. I think if you this chick likes my logic Eve pull she likes the logic. That's a dude sexuality has been a more a lot. Yeah, it might be dude, right? Sexuality has been a more or less, you know, I Went to whack off last night It's like this hand off last night um it's like this hand it's not no it was like uh two o'clock in the morning my wife is super pregnant right now and i can't fuck her do it on her belly i mean i do if she asks but i i don't i don't want to impose myself on her i feel rude i mean she's all pregnant like she's ready to pop and um so anyway i'm making excuses for i beat off i beat off what are you

talking about but this that's the reality of it. I really do feel bad. Anyway, I go online to go look at some porn. And everything on one of my favorite sites is all fucking spitting in the mouth and gagging. And girls getting their faces fucked with it like halfway throwing up. I hate that shit. And tears are coming out of their eyes. And the guy's smacking her on the face with his dick.

And he's like, do you like that dick? Do you like that dick? She's like, fuck my face. Fuck my face. And he's like, fuck it. Like spit and slobber. She's coughing and spit's coming out. And I'm like, okay, I don't like this. This is not fun.

And then in the same series, like there was another girl, or the same girl rather. They have a bunch of videos about this girl. There's Sasha Gray, who was the girl. Another one, these guys are just violently fucking her ass, and then shoving it in her mouth, and violently fucking her ass. And I'm looking at this, and I'm like, what is going on? Who is liking all this mad like, mad dog porn? It's like you got mad dog bitches in porn now.

Nobody just fucks anymore. It used to be, you know, a guy orders a pizza. And the chick shows up delivering the pizza. And she needs to get changed. I hate that shit. And she drops a dollar. And she picks it up. And the guy says, nice.

And the girl says, you think so? Well, you see the whole thing. And then she pulls her pants down. Next thing you know, they're boning. That's the good old days. That's fun. That's good times. What is this?

Mouthfucking, tears rolling down people's face, spitting in people's mouths, two dicks and assholes. You know what's hilarious is that I've never seen a porn website where it's just like, it's people making love. Exactly. It's like them going on a date, just being passionate and stuff like that. Yeah, there's no kissing,

there's no teasing. No, it's like, it's all just, fuck my ass. Oh, yeah. One girl had two guys

fucking her asshole. One guy was on top, he was squatting on top, and the other guy was laying on his back and his dick was in and the other guy was in and it's like that joke

that I say about, like, you're not even having sex with a woman at that point. You're just using her vagina as a container so that you can rub dicks. I love that. I mean, that is really what they were doing. They're like, they're two dicks.

Her butthole was a holder for dicks. And they're rubbing dicks while they're plowing this girl's asshole. I mean, think about two dicks. Even, like, two average-sized dicks. That's stretching your butthole out to like that big that's ridiculous who wants to see that and then the other guy spit in her mouth and they're fucking our mouth I'm like Jesus it's so weird Sasha gray gets smacked in the face a lot too just see I'm done with all that kind of I just like I like homemade stuff I think

we've talked about yeah yeah you like you like thinking that that's really you this girl's really blowing you. Or it's just real. Like I want to see people having real sex. Yeah, they're really attracted to each other. Yeah, they're having real orgasms. They're really moaning because they're moaning. Yeah, there's definitely something to that, man.

Paying for it. And apparently the porn business is rough now because of the fact that all this shit's online. It's very difficult to get money for for porn so these girls get tricked it's just like you know how you hear about the uh the workers in dubai where they entice them to come to dubai by saying you're going to get all this money you know they take them from india and third world countries and they basically say you're going to make you know x amount of dollars per month you'll be able to send money back home to your family everybody's going going to be happy. We just come out here and you've got to get a passport and pay for this

and pay for that. So they do all this. They get out there. And then once they get out there, they take their passport and they give them a fraction of the money. What these girls do is they recruit these girls and say, listen, it's just going to be you and the guy. You'll get to pick the guy. It'll be so hot. No big deal. No one's going to see it. We'll pay you $1,500.

And for a chick who's fucking broke and desperate and probably, you know, not the best thinker in the world anyway. She's not making the best decisions with her life. You know, and some guy offers her $1,500 to fuck some cute guy. She's like, whatever. All right, I'll do it. Fuck it. Who cares? Who's going to know?

Who's going to know? She figures, I'm just going to go there. I'm going to take care of them. I'm going to keep them from repossessing my car.'m gonna you know pay my rent off you know and i'll have a couple hundred bucks left over all right let's do it so she gets there and there was a whole series about this on television that uh they made her do double anal once she got there they said no we don't want regular sex like this is this is what happens two guys have to fuck your asshole and we'll give you 1500 bucks otherwise we don't have work for you.

All right. No condom. So she wound up getting HIV. Ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay. So she does one film. She comes from Nebraska. She does one film.

They make her do double anal. Wow. Two fucking pigs nut inside her asshole who have probably fucked 100 chicks that day. That's crazy. Yeah, and they give her HIV. They're probably shooting heroin up in the bathroom together, sucking each other's cocks to get them hard and they stuff it in her asshole by the way i wanted to mention something you you talked about last week in your secret podcast

that uh i wanted to tell you that no brokeback mountain was a huge success yeah i didn't know that yeah yeah i think as a comedy right no no i mean money wise yeah but as a comedy oh yeah yeah i think it was more i mean no people enjoyed it no people there was a lot of people it was sad i'll be honest at the end of brokeback mountain when the guy found out the other guy was beaten to death it was sad i never saw it i will never watch that you won't watch that why don't you just watch it and video put like little kittens over the guys buttholes and faces who they're kissing just like you always do you know there's some shit that i won't watch but i won't watch any more beheadings there's a new where the guy's buttholes and faces where they're kissing. Just like you always do. There's some shit that I won't watch.

I won't watch any more beheadings. There's a new beheading one online. Have you seen the new one? I watched it for a second and they started cutting the dude's head off and I said, alright, what the fuck am I doing? Why am I watching this? I'm done with it.

Yeah. There's no need to be watching any of that shit. I never even watched that Iraq shooting thing either. Oh, that's the other thing I wanted to talk about, is fake kung fu. Yeah, you need to bring that back. You didn't watch the Iraq shooting thing? No, you need to bring that back, though.

Yeah, I need to write it out, is what I need to do. Yeah. I don't even remember how I did it. I'll just redo it. But the Iraq shooting thing you didn't watch? I don't want to watch it. What he was talking about is collateral murder,

which is, we talked about this before, they mistakenly thought that these reporters and civilians in Iraq were insurgents, and they killed them, and it's all gun camera footage, and it's very disturbing. It's disturbing how much they were into it. It's disturbing how easy it is

to just think that anybody's your enemy when you're over there in the fucking ward and the chaos, you know. It's scary shit, man. It's scary shit that we're there in the first place. But it's really scary shit to think that people could just be walking with cameras. And they mistake those cameras for guns just from the sky with Apache helicopters. Just fucking light them up with.50 caliber guns.

I'm done with that shit and anything that's based off Three Men and a Baby. Like Three Guys and a Hammer. Any of this shit. Is that what it's based off three men and a baby like a three guys and a hammer any of any of this is that what it's based on i don't know baby two girls and a cop two girls and a cop yeah you know but yeah no you're right man you know the problem is the internet really can not only desensitize you but really change your world there's 300 million fucking people in this country that is an insane amount of people and if you think about like every story that you hear about some priest who's fucking kids or some serial killer who's killing women or they're all horrible and terrible but the reality is most people are pretty cool there's 300 million of us there's so much information that literally you find out every single fucking story anytime

that anything goes down. That's never been the case. In the 1950s, you had to be Ed Gein. You had to be wearing women as fucking dresses. You had to be cutting them up and putting their skin on. You had to make the front fucking page of the New York Times every day for a week for everyone to know who you are and everyone to know your story. The Ted Bundy case, that's another example. The Night St night stalker they couldn't catch this guy and they don't know what he's doing the zodiac killer they never caught him those stories that's the only way those stories became huge they had to be so catastrophically fucked up but now we hear about all of them we hear about every two teachers this week got arrested for fucking kids two teachers

two different teachers both pretty decent looking chicks. One of them was fucking a 16 year old. Wow. She got arrested for a 16 year old. How the fuck can you arrest a chick for fucking a 16 year old? That shit happened to me though. You know, when I was a kid, uh, three of our teachers had sex. One was a guy and two were girls.

And when I was in high school, um, my Spanish teacher fucked one of my friends. A female friend of mine. You know what the funniest thing is? I remember my science teacher, sixth grade. I had a book underneath my desk. I was reading the book while she was teaching. And she goes, Brian, you have two heads. Only one can read.

And I'm like, huh? Okay, whatever that means. But then I look back at it. I'm like, oh my gosh, he's talking about my dickhead. I'm like, I'm in sixth grade. What the fuck is that shit? Yeah, that's kind of that crazy bitch Miss Singleton

Columbus, Ohio you fucking whore what are you 12? how old were you then? 12? 6th grade? something like that 6th grade is like 12 right? Miss Singleton now

and then Mr. Phillips you were my gym teacher you fucked half my friends really? yeah and he got arrested the gym teacher fucked half your friends? yeah and then I saw...

Boys or girls? Mostly boys. What? Wait a minute. Moving closer. Moving closer for this one. And then what was weird... Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Tell the whole goddamn story. Start from scratch. When we were in elementary... What's his name? Mr. Phillips. And he's in jail? No, no, check this out. He was...

Everyone was always talking about it in elementary school. Like, uh-oh, don't let Mr. Phillips get near you. He fucked so-and-so. He fucked so-and-so he fucked so-and-so before he even got caught this is not yeah before and there was times where like like he would come up behind you know spanking on the button like oh you just got touched oh so he was fucking a bunch of kids before you ever got me all

knew about it he never got caught how did he not get caught I don't know and then one day he got caught and then we and then there was like this one kid that we thought it was like the one that squealed or something like that. And then he was just gone. He was just gone. And it was so weird. It's like, uh, I don't know, like five years later I was working at Toys R Us and he came in with like a whole family and you're just like, wanted to say, Hey, you fucked my friends. What's up Mr. Phillips? He came into Toys R Us with his family, kids and family and and i just wanted to be like hey you know your husband how did he not go to jail i i don't know whatever

happened like i i barely remember seeing it in the papers and stuff like that but he got even if he went to jail he got out yeah yeah and he so he how many kids do you think i would say there was three that i thought for sure three that you thought for sure yeah i don't want to say that everybody talked about it oh yeah all of us knew about it. It was like a joke growing up. Even we would like other teachers knew like the the word that we call Mr. Fill-me-up Phillips. Fill-me-up Phillips? Oh no! Brookside, Brookside Elementary School. How old were you guys? Elementary school. I remember it was like fifth grade, maybe sixth grade.

Oh, so you're like 11, 10, something like that. fucking 10 year old boys in the ass yeah and then we had a study hall oh my god then we had a study hall monitor named mrs hughes that used to just fuck everybody too but she was hot she was hot i was like i was mad because i wouldn't fuck her how old was this middle school was like eighth grade seventh grade she was fucking eighth graders yeah yeah and i remember i was pissed because i was like jealous of the other guys who I fucked her. And I'm like, I want to fuck that girl. I'm like saving up my lunch money, you know, and stuff. It's really funny how that works, isn't it?

You know, like before the internet, man, shit like that would happen and nobody would hear about it. Right. You know, it had to be like they could fire the person and stop the scandal before it ever hit the school and no big deal. But nowadays, people just throw it up in their Facebook. Fucking Facebook. Yo, I got fucked in the ass by Mr. Phillips. Here's a photo and video. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you take fucking video and photo while it's happening. And if someone's crazy enough to let you, you know, for a teacher who's crazy enough to fuck you, she's crazy enough to film it while she's fucking you. Right. You know, that bitch is crazy. I'm 35 person asking oh yeah that's a that's a crazy goddamn story i didn't um i never got molested by a kid but i came close twice on two separate occasions i almost got molested one when i was eight years old i was at the library and i used to like uh monster books i used to like reading like Dracula and Frankenstein shit

and so I'm in this library section and I'm reading all these books I'm looking for these books and this guy says do you like books on monsters

and I said yeah that's my favorite I'm like you're fucking 8 years old I don't know that there's bad people yet I haven't really figured that out

and the guy says I've got a bunch of monster books out in my car and I said wow really he goes yeah come on with me

I'll show you some monster books I go oh okay that's why no. And I said, wow, really? He goes, yeah, come on with me. I'll show you some monster books. I go, oh, okay. That's why you hate monsters, right? I start leaving. No, I still love monster movies, man. I start leaving, and as I'm walking out the door with this guy,

the fucking librarian starts screaming. She goes, Joseph, Joseph, you get over here. She knew me because I'd go to the library all the time. She's like, Joseph, get over here. Get over here. That man just got out of jail. And so the guy runs. The guy runs.

What? He runs towards the gorge. She goes, I'm going to call the police. And so I run over to the librarian. I'm fucking crying and freaking out. The crazy thing is my mom doesn't even remember this. Really? Yeah, my mom's kind of a knucklehead.

And when it comes to that, like my childhood, like I can't believe she doesn't remember this. I don't remember that. I'm like, how the fuck do you not remember the most horrific moment of my childhood? Where I feel like if that librarian wasn't there at that moment, if I didn't have a relationship with her, where I talked to her every time I was there, like she looked after me because she was a nice lady. If that didn't happen, if she was some absent-minded person or just wasn't looking or didn't know, didn't know who I was or who that guy was, I would have got fucked in the ass. For sure. I might have got killed.

I might have got killed because if this guy just got out of jail, he's probably tired of tattletailing kids and their bullshit. He probably would have fucked me and killed me. You know that company that has that thing that old people wear to help? I fall in and I can't get up. They should make that for kids. Like, help, I'm getting fucked and I can't draw. They They should make that for kids. Like, help, I'm getting fucked and I can't draw.

They should, but kids are fucking liars, man. I'm getting fucked right now. I just missed you. You didn't even care about me. Well, that's why I should be attached to like Boy Scouts

or something. Like, Boy Scouts would come rescue instead of police or something. Boy Scouts would fuck you quicker than anybody. That'd be the first one I'd see.

Yeah, nobody, let me see, was he fucking you like this? Boy Scouts would fuck you just because you lied about it. Yeah. Yeah, nobody... Yeah, let me see. Was he fucking you like this? What scouts is fucking you just because you lied about it? Yeah. Well, yeah. You let dicks in your ass?

Come on! Yeah, maybe there would be like a little camera and microphone so that a cop would be like, oh, you are getting fucked. We'll send somebody right over. No, I think GPS tracking

is a good idea for kids. You know, I mean, that's like the slippery slope. The problem is you put a chip in your kid so you can find out where they are. Well, they already have

all those phones. You know, there's... Yeah, but phones... Yeah, they have those. But phones, there's a big difference between phones and a chip in your skin. Like a dog. A dog is a chip. I think it's only if he goes to the vet. If they pick him up at the pound, the pound can scan him and the chip has a number to call. But there's people that want to put GPS chips in their kids so they can follow their kids. That's the next. That's retarded. It isn't though, man.

If your kid's missing, it's not retarded. But the slippery slope is, who else is following you? The fucking government? Anybody else? Black helicopters! You always hear about dudes who attach GPS to their chick's car because they're stalking them. Oh yeah. Next to them.

Yeah, and they follow them. They follow them around. Yeah, I mean, you know. It's a slippery slope because the connectivity is unavoidable. It's unavoidable that eventually there will be no secrets. I really believe that. We've talked about this before. I think that eventually we're going to be able to read each other's minds.

We're going to be able to access all the information in the whole world not just on your phone not just through a computer interface but you're going to be able to normally access all the shit and that includes other people's thoughts you're gonna have to share your thoughts into the wave it sounds completely ridiculous it sounds like total stoner talk but I don't think it sounds nearly as ridiculous as the things we already have like the fucking Large Hadron Collider or cell phones or the ability to talk to somebody on the other side of the world. That's just as ridiculous to me.

I mean, it's all ridiculous. Sending pictures through the air, high-speed video you can download. You know what I mean? I got Wi-Fi. I sit on my laptop. I can download, like the iPad. You can download a movie in a couple minutes. You can stream it.

Stream a movie live. I mean, what the fuck you just go to netflix pick a movie in high definition load it up it plays right there it is there's the movie you're getting it from the ether you're getting a fucking full movie you put your headphones on it's in stereo and you're getting it from the sky that's insanity it's and that is just the beginning it's's going to happen. If you look at the trend, the number one trend is connectivity and the instant access to information or the more quicker access to information or more access to information.

That's the trend. It's like, you know, it used to be libraries and then it was the internet and now it's the internet on your phone and then what else is next? What's going to come next? It's going to be quicker, easier, faster, more information. Like that search engine where you can just ask it questions, and it comes up with the answer. What is that search engine called?

Bing. No, there's a new one that they're working on. I'll find it on here. I saved it on Evernote, but they called it the Google killer. Nah. You know what's going to be the best? We already talked about this. But the visual search is, I think, what's going to be big.

Visual search? Yeah, where you just take a picture of something, and it will Google search what it is, everything about it. So if you see a tennis shoe on the ground, you can take a picture of it, and it will tell you what model of tennis shoe that is you know where it's sold how much it is you know yeah this is yeah yeah no i think you're right yeah that that wolfram alpha is the new thing w-o-l-f-r-a-m alpha and what it is is this thing that these guys have been putting together for a while it's not totally done yet but the idea is that this is going to be able to answer any question you have and that you know i mean that really is the future that they'll take the data the entire database of science the entire database of archaeology history everything else mathematics and literally put it into some sort of a search engine where you'll be able to ask the question

you know what year was the first car. What year was the first car invented? What year was the first combustion engine created? When did they figure out that you could turn oil from the ground into gasoline? How did they do it? Who was the guy? That shit's all going to happen, man. You're going to be able to get any answer to any question. You'll literally never have to go to school again.

I can't wait to the part where I can go through my old photos from when I was like five years old hold it up to my webcam they go here's their Facebook they now do this they look at this because there are so many people that I lost touch with and I don't know their name babies what if it's a baby oh you can totally do it you're gonna totally be able to do that totally just hundred percent how the baby grows up hundred percent ten years or less 100% yeah i think you're probably right wow what's your fucking question look at this guy ned carlos mencia is a homo and needs to send his fans to space with the other monkeys all right buddy settle the fuck down

settle down you freak what is this guy saying you hate Mencia for stealing jokes, but you stole that T-Rex joke, hypocrite. I didn't steal shit, stupid. T-Rex joke? Someone said that there's another guy who has a joke about T-Rex not being able to jerk off. Wow, how obvious is this that he can't jerk off? Not the greatest connection in the world, but when you have small arms and you can't grab your own dick, you know, anybody can come up with that conclusion but what i had it in is a whole series of things about masturbation how masturbation is evolutionary and my joke was that's why the t-rex didn't evolve because he couldn't jerk off 100 my own okay and there's a thing called parallel thinking

the difference between me and a guy like mancia or most comics and a guy like Mencia is most comics like David Tell is famous for. He comes up with a joke. He'll call like a bunch of people and say, hey, have you ever heard this before? You ever heard this before? Because sometimes guys come up with jokes. And even though you came up with it on your own, you don't know whether or not anybody else has come up with it before. It's very possible. It's called parallel thinking. But the difference between that and a guy like Mencia or Robin Williams or any of these other guys that have been accused of doing it over and over again is there's so many fucking pieces of evidence. So many times people have said it. So many people know bits that they've ripped off. And like with a guy like Robin Williams, they used to have it set up where there was special lights. When he would come to the room. People would flash lights to make sure that the comics on stage knew that he was in the room. When I was in Boston at the Catch Rising Star in Cambridge, Robin Williams came and I remember this because I was really raw. I was like an open mic. I'd only been doing comedy like not even a year. You got a piss? And Robin

Williams came into the club and there was all these comics that were like big-name Boston comics. I think one of them was, you know what, I don't want to say names because I'm just guessing, but there was a bunch of Boston headliners in the room, and none of them would go on stage. They wouldn't go on stage because they knew that he was in there and that if they did a good bit on that stage, and they were local guys. They were local headliners, but they were just local guys and this is before the internet this is before anything he

would just go on the tonight show the next night do their bit and that bit was dead they could never do it again so it was a totally different era back then but there's parallel thinking there's things that uh i've thought of before there's things that other people have thought of before that i've already done like i've had had friends, you know, do a bit. And, you know, I know they didn't steal it from me. But I have to tell them, like, hey, that's on my first album. Like this, the same exact sort of connection that you just made. Bobby Slayton and I, who Bobby's a buddy of mine, but we both had a joke.

I mean, it's the same connection about blowjobs. Mine was on my 1999 CD. I don't know when his was. But he said to me, like, wow, we have a similar joke. And the joke was about blowjobs that blowjobs are a job. That's what it implies, like jerking off. See, my joke was that jerking off sounds like it's no big deal. It's like you just quit at any minute.

Like, what are you doing? Eh, I was just jerking off. Like, no big deal. You want to eat? I'll just stop. But a blowjob sounds like there's much more commitment. Like, it's a job. Like, it implies a work ethic. But that, like, jerking off is way more commitment involved in jerking off than blowjobs. Because chicks will

quit blowjobs all the time. Girls will quit. Their mouth gets tired. They don't want to do it anymore. But no dude quits while jerking off. And there's, like, you know what I know what i mean it's true like you'll fucking finish that thing i have had like a half hard dick and be like holding my breath and squeezing my balls trying to do anything to figure out a way to just get it over with and then once you come you just feel so goddamn pathetic right but there's a lot of commitment involved in jerking off for whatever reason like that shit wants to get out of your body but i never for a second thought that bobby stole the bit and he didn't think that i saw

the bit it's like it's kind of obvious below job you know it's not the most clever connection between it being a job you know i mean it's right there it's in the fucking name the problem with i have is like when like that t-rex thing that's just something there's a cartoon online that i saw after the fact that They had jokes about that. I mean, that's just the dumbest thing. It's just obvious. No, he's not trolling.

He's probably just stupid. Or he's just young and doesn't know. Look, people have questions about the way comedy works and whenever someone is so outspoken about plagiarism like I have been and you have been with that whole mencia thing you know not like we set out to do that not like we set out to be the guys that are speaking up against comedy plagiarism but let me tell you how many fucking comedians were happy that that happened i mean i can't tell i just

got a text message from christopher titus today christopher titus who's a friend of mine, just sent me a text today. And Christopher is a very funny comic. And he sent me a text today saying that, he says, hey man, you were on NPR today. They played the whole Carlos thing and had two lawyers on talking about how comedians protect our material. Great job changing the world. Keep the flow, Titus.

That's awesome. I need to get a copy of that. Yeah. This is a comic. And it's not just him. I mean, Louis C.K. said the same thing. You know,

Brian Posehn came up and hugged me and said, thank God for you, Joe Rogan. I mean, I can't... Todd Glass came up to me and said it was the greatest thing he'd ever seen in his life.

Like, I can't tell you how many comics have said this. Like, we had a real problem for a long time. And the real problem is that these networks can make money from guys stealing. If guys are good performers and they wind up stealing people's shit, they can make a lot of money. And for comics, literally, it takes a long-ass time to create a bit. Like my bit about the tigers killing the kid at the zoo in San Francisco.

The one that made it onto my last special. That bit took a long time to get right there was a lot of shit involved it like it went back and forth it changed it morphed it got bigger it got smaller it took a long time before i came up with the version that got onto television it was a lot of work somebody could have easily come in jacked my idea jacked my premise jacked the whole way I structured it, set it up, and just taken it for their own, and literally it's stealing. They put it on television, and now I can't do it anymore. Because now if I do it, you know, like, when Mencia steals stuff, he steals it, like, word

for word, you know, oftentimes. So, like, these poor fucks, like, their bit's gone. It's like, they got stole. They got stole on. Somebody took their shit. That's been a gigantic problem for us. You know, we didn't set out

to be the ones to try to put a fork in that and stop it. But, something had to happen and it did. And it just so happens that it was us.

It's just, just synchronicity. Just the way the world works, you know. But, I can understand why someone would want to, like to scrutinize me extra carefully because of that. I mean, it only makes sense. Put Red Band's balls to your mouth, please.

You know what? That is a fucking rude, rude request. Dude, there's this comic named Brian Jarvis. I don't know if you ever heard of him. He has the best thing joke ever. For some reason, comics all like to show their dicks to each other. He has this thing where he'll put his dick coming out of the top of his pants, like right here, so just his head sticking out.

And he'll be like, dude, I fucking slammed my belly button in my door. Look at it. And you're like, belly button, door. And you look at it and you're like, whoa, wait, that's your dick. That's the kind of shit the dudes do all the time i love that shit i mean i hate that shit but i love how everyone's so comics are so committed to showing their dicks it's hilarious that's hilarious did george lopez steal a bit from ari no i don't think he did i think the thing that happened with the george lopez thing

was that it was a pretty obvious bit. The thing with the Ari bit, the thing about the wall, that's a fucking obvious joke, man. And these dudes who do, like, Mexican material, you know, and illegal alien material, like Lopez, like, his act is, like,

it's very funny, but a lot of it is Latino stuff, and that's the kind of thing, I mean, he's going to think like that. George has never been accused of being a thief before that. Not that I'm aware of. He's not a thief. That's just an obvious joke.

There was like five comics that did that joke. But the Mencia thing, Mencia not only did Ari open for him and do that bit, and he saw it and commented on how he thought it was funny, but that dumb fuck did the same mannerisms that Ari did. Yeah, he went up and said, Excuse me. That's how Ari does it and he's so dumb. He does it the exact same way. In our video,

he even like said, he never opened up for me and then like three seconds later, he what? Oh, you forgot? I mean, he just lies throughout that whole video. He lies about everything.

He still sometimes says he's Mexican. Why are we talking about Messiah? Yeah, there's no need to talk about him. Poor guy. But some, poor guy. But some people still get,

still get caught up in it. You know, look, there's, there is, there's always gonna be retards. There's always gonna be dumb fucking people.

There's always gonna be joke thieves too. There's always gonna be everything, man. There's, there's always, there's always gonna be people who enjoy stupid shit.

There's always gonna be people who think Mencius is hilarious and I suck. That's, that's all good, man. It's, it's a fucking big world.

Like what you like. Who gives a fuck, son? Well, you know what? We're at five minutes and 13 seconds, which means we just ate through two hours. So that's more than enough. Yes. That's more than enough.

Look, there's all this comedy stuff. You know, go listen. You want to hear some, instead of all this negative stuff, Carlos Mencia rules. He rules your mother. This is, this is what I think.

There's great comics right now. This is like one of the best times ever for stand-up comedy. There's so many good guys. There's Bill Burr who's a hilarious comic.

If you've never heard his stuff before, I did that Kevin and Bean April Foolishness show with him a couple weekends ago fucking dude is fantastic he's hilarious there's patten oswalt who's one of my favorites he's goddamn hilarious all of his cds are great just an awesome writer stanhope of course you

know he's a classic jim norton hilarious louis ck of course there's so many good good comics now. Now, instead of thinking negative about Guys of Steel and bullshit and the problems with this and that, the positive thing is there's so much good comedy now. There's so many good comedians. And if you like my shit, my new thing just came out. You can get it. It's Talking Monkeys in Space. It's on iTunes. You can get it on DVD.

JoeRogan.net has all the links. And it's on Amazon. And it's number two on iTunes. You can get it on DVD. JoeRogan.net has all the links. JoeRogan.net has all the links and it's on Amazon and it's number two on iTunes. Comedy, bitch. Getting my ass kicked by Robin Williams. The point is there's good stuff now. That's what's important. Positive. Not negative, you fucking faggots. Alright. Thank you very much for tuning

in. We had a good time. Hope we answered all your questions. I love you too. You rule too, you crazy bitch. And all good. Thanks and we'll see you next week as the weekly podcast keeps rolling on.