The Joe Rogan Experience - #1607 - Fahim Anwar

Episode Date: February 5, 2021

Fahim Anwar is a stand-up comic, actor, and former aerospace engineer. In addition to starring in his own solo comedy special, "There's No Business Like Show Business" on available on YouTube, Anwar is also a founding member of the sketch comedy group Goatface, and has appeared in several comedy films and tv series.

the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day what'd you say your podcast was oh the he-man war dance hour oh the dance the dance hour why is it the dance hour it's a loose term like it's a comedy podcast but i kind of having a feel i love dance music and like dancing remember i accidentally posted that thing because i really thought yeah yeah i was like damn no no that was fucking move that was the long boarding yeah the guy on the board yeah dancing he was dancing on the board i thought someone sometimes people this thing will happen on instagram where people keep on sending me pictures or videos of people who kind of look like me that guy kind

of looked like you yeah but i thought it was you okay well i just thought it was so funny i go is there anything i can't do and i posted it on my instagram and it's this guy like his name is low t for we became friends because you did this oh that's hilarious just via instagram and it's this guy i think he's in france and he's just killing it on a longboard. Go to his page. He's amazing. I thought you could do that because you could dance so well. I thought you could do that too. That's flattering.

That's my real confidence in you. So for you to be like, just throwing a longboard? Yeah, he's great. So I posted that or one of these, and I go, is there anything I can't do? That's not that one because I would be like, well, that's not Fahim. Yeah. That's the guy. Look at him, handsome bastard.

Look at him out Handsome bastard. Look at him out there, longboarding. That is a skill that is very impressive, but highly impractical. It's working for him, man. Very impressive to learn how to do that. But I remember I posted it, and then I go

about my day at my house, and then I check my Instagram, and I'm getting all these followers and shit, and I don't know why i go well so i have to reverse engineer what's going on and then i look at your i was like tagged by joe rogan i look at it and my heart sank i go i go oh no because i felt bad like i'm getting all this stuff from something just like a dumb joke with my friends on insta i tagged that guy no no you did after because I texted you oh I did I go I go no dude it's not you but did I definitely tag the guy as well eventually once we cleared it up okay okay yeah yeah and then I go that was a joke and then you did give him credit and you know what's the worst

when someone sends you a really funny meme and you're like fuck I don't know who made this I need to find who made this because I want to put it up but i don't want i don't want to not have that person get credit for it that's the trouble with meme comedy it's almost like it's like linux it's open source yes sort of here he is yeah this is you i thought it was you dude dude. With the shirt open? So, I didn't fucking tag the guy. You didn't? No, dude. I did not tag that guy.

Oh, fuck. I said whoever the fuck he is. Well, tell him now. Yeah. Well, now we know. I thought that was you. I'm looking at this. I'm like, damn, look at Fahim go.

I guess I just thought it was so beyond my skill set that people would know that it's not me. Well, I don't know what your skill set is. There's a lot of people that can do wild shit that you don't know. A lot of comics are good at other stuff, and you don't know about it until you get close to them. You're like, what? You can do that? Yeah. There's a lady that I posted on my Instagram.

I didn't know it was her. I think I posted it. I think it was Willie D posted it, and I reposted it. Marie underscore Bustin Moves is her Instagram. Find that. And she does this dance to Chub Rock. It's like, it's not. I think she probably put it on TikTok, too, but she puts it on Instagram. It's her and her daughters.

You can't play the music, huh? It's too bad. But she's really fucking talented and apparently she runs a dance studio and she like she teaches dance like and she's been doing that i think since like i think i've read since 2009 or something like that but she's really good but it's her and her daughters but it's better if you hear the music because she's doing it to an old school chub rock song yeah it's really great but look how talented she is she's great yeah i think social media has brought dancing back oh fuck yeah it definitely has i mean i can't dance but i like watching it i was dancing on youtube pre-tiktok were you? I'm like a pioneer. Wow. I needed more than a minute.

A minute's too constricting. I understand. Yeah, I need to let it breathe. It's cool to watch. It's just I look at dance and I go, should I learn how to do that? Like, I can't. I can't. No more things.

You have a respect for it. It's funny because I remember I was walking up to do my set at the comedy store and you're in the parking lot and you're like, oh yeah, you could dance, man. I didn't think you would talk about it or even register with you but i'm like oh yeah you said i was flexible or something i go i'm not that flexible you know but you have like a body control or you just had an affinity for dance that i didn't think you would have because you're in martial arts and i feel like look i'm not some world-class dancer i'm just a hobbyist i grew up and loving michael jackson and like feel like look i'm not some world-class dancer i'm just a hobbyist i grew up and loving michael jackson and like slow like recording all his music videos his concert footage slowing it down i learned how to dance vhs and there you go no this is bad this is like

from my apartment a lot this is so bad it's so bad now i get it like when you're on tonight show they pull up a commercial oh no no yeah i'll do some shit on instagram instagram every now and then but yeah i just remember you saying like no you're you're flexible you have like good body control yeah i am a fan of movement anytime someone could do something cool because i know how hard it is to do cool shit with your body you know it's hard it's hard to do you know my first acting thing like i was still working at boeing at the time and i was auditioning for stuff i booked this role on chuck remember that show yeah i remember yeah so i took a leave of absence to like film it and there was an action scene in it so there's a stunt coordinator and i had to learn these like karate moves or like movie karate moves and the guy was like, do you fight?

And I go, no. He's like, do you dance? And I go, kind of. And he goes, yeah, because you pick up the moves faster than regular people. Well, that was Patrick Swayze. Patrick Swayze was a really good dancer. And so when he did Roadhouse, they basically

taught him some martial arts moves to be like this badass karate fighter but meanwhile the karate was dog shit it was terrible like i was not impressed with karate beautiful karate but his dance like if you watch him in dirty dancing like this guy can fucking move dancing is hard i learned how i did um a scene in zookeeper where i had to learn dancing and me and Leslie Bibb. Do you know who Leslie Bibb is? The hot chick in Talladega Nights.

She played my ex-girlfriend and Kevin James' current girlfriend. And I was trying to steal her back. Or they were separated and I was trying to win her back. And so at this wedding her and I did this super elaborate dance.

So we had to practice for two weeks. We had to take dance lessons. It's fucking hard. So any illusions that I ever had about going on Dancing with the Stars. It's gone. Fucking. Well, that and talking to Chuck Liddell about it. Because Chuck Liddell, who's UFC light heavyweight champion, one of the baddest motherfuckers

that ever walked the face of the earth, right? Yeah. Chuck Liddell's like, it's the hardest thing I've ever done wow that's how he said it's the fucking hardest thing I've ever done he goes dude it's fucking hard it's hard

he goes you gotta practice every day it sucks well cause it's I mean there are parallels though between fighting and dancing I think movement is movement yes like you're moving your body

yes just there's a timing element with music mhm um like I don't think body control body control. Like I don't think I'm... Body control. Body control. Yeah.

Like I don't think I'm the best dancer in the world, but I think like I feel it. I can tell when I watch dancers who can like really feel it and lose themselves in the music versus, you know, you'll see pop stars and stuff like Bieber or something, like no shade, but it looks like a guy... No shade? No shade. A little bit of shade? No, I mean, I'm just to illustrate a point. Maybe a little shadow, a little bit of shadow. stuff like like bieber or something like no shade but it looks like a guy no shade no shade no i

mean i'm just to illustrate a point let me be able to shadow a little bit of shadow you could tell some of these pop people are just learning moves and they are regurgitating these moves they're not like justin timberlake who can dance he could dance yeah but like but like Michael Jackson is precise and it's almost spiritual. Yes. No, I completely agree. Michael Jackson could do things that would make you excited if you didn't give a fuck about dance. Yeah. He was so good when he would move.

He would move. The precision is what it is, right? Even like just flicking a wrist. Yeah. People could do backflips and all this shit and it's great but like michael could just do something with his feet and his index finger and it's amazing there was a thing that um is a part of martial arts they would call it kata and uh i really forget what it's called in in taekwondo even though i'm black from taekwondo i really don't remember what it's called but uh

oh poomsae and it's the same kind of thing like Kata. It's like you're doing forms. And these forms, like these predetermined patterns, you know, you step forward, block, step forward, punch. Like there's a simple one that you learn when you're a white belt. And then you move up to really complex ones when you're a black belt. And when I was fighting, I used to think they were foolish. I thought that was a total waste of time. I'm like, why do I have to learn these forms to get a black belt? Like, I know how to fight.

I know how to use the techniques. Like, I can show you that my kicking and my punching and my timing and everything is very proficient. I'm very good at it. Like, that's a black belt, not this form thing. It wasn't until much later as I was getting older in life and I was like, oh, there's like importance in precision. And there's a precision to those movements that actually does apply to fighting. It doesn't apply directly, but it applies because you're learning precise body control. Like to kick in the air seems silly, right? Because you should kick things. But when you kick in the air, you have to hold your your leg out you learn body control

you learn and and through that you can better kick things like these are these are this is a taekwondo form see like that kind of shit yeah i used to be able to do that now i can't really kick like that anymore like my flexibility is not as good anymore i can kind of kick like some some of the techniques i can still do but like i used to be able to do that kind of shit like easy like straight up splits right in the air but now i'm just fucking i i became more of an ape as i got older so does it kind of show you what the movements are like in a perfect world with no resistance or it shows you body control because none of these

things are applicable really there's sometimes you would use those blocks but like you never throw a sidekick straight up in the air like that it's really just to show body control what if you did this in front of a bully then he goes oh fuck this shit no he's got such body control fucking grab you and pile drive you he goes that looked nice looked nice. Yeah. There's aspects of that, though, learning how to move your body like that, if you can learn how to move your body like that. The best people to start in jujitsu are gymnasts and break dancers, other than wrestlers. Wrestlers are number one, because wrestlers, they already understand how to control people's bodies.

But gymnasts and break dancers, break break dancers in particular are fucking amazing when they transition to jiu-jitsu like i've rolled with some break dancers and first of all they're like a small guy you can't believe how goddamn strong they are it's like holding on to a chimp because they're used to like bouncing around it's all like plyometrics i'm obsessed like they're all ripped i'm obsessed with breakdancing. I got into breakdancing. So first it was Michael Jackson was my entry into dance. So I was always on my feet.

And then I got into middle school and high school and I loved breakdancing. I was infatuated with it. And I'd go to this website. I would just try to learn. But I was in Woodinville, Washington, which is like very white. Like if you've learned breakdancing, you got to be in like Brooklyn. It you've got it's a community learned skill right right i'm trying to learn how to breakdance on mars but i i have the will to do it and i'm the only one in my school who likes this stuff are you learning it online yeah so i go to this website called style to oof this is before

youtube so i would go to this website called Style2Oof, and there was like a French portal and like an English portal. I would go to the English one, and they would have all these breakdancing clips, and I would watch them, try to learn them. And then, you remember the store Mr. Rags at the mall? It was like a Zoomies or... No. All right, so there's a store called Mr. Rags. It's kind of like a skate skate like a hip-hop skate

shop kind of and they would have vhs copies like breakdancing um videos and i would i got battle of the year i split it with my cousins it was this yellow cassette it's called battle of the year was this yellow vhs and they had all the crews it's it's kind of like breakdancing olympics they have crews from all over the world they have um like a u.s crew a south korea and that south korea ended up just like killing everybody really yeah they're like the hyundai of breakdancing like really everyone laughs at first and then they just kill everyone they're like the best now south korea is amazing at uh breakdancing no kidding yeah wow well there's a guy named B-Boy Pocket, Kim. Do you know him? I don't know if I do.

Because I fell off the, I just wasn't good at it and I would hurt myself. This guy, I've had him, I've featured him on this podcast multiple times because he's on Stance Elements all the time. Oh. He does things you can't even believe a person can do. Like Stance Elements even has a, on their Instagram page, has a video of me reviewing his shit. Because it's so preposterous.

Yeah. Because he can do things that you like. I didn't think a person could do that. I didn't think a person could move that way on their hands. He spins around on his hands in a way, like, if you had to imagine, if you didn't know about breakdancing, what do you think a person could do standing on their hands? Well, I guess you could walk around a little bit Yeah, this motherfucker can do shit on their hands that most people can't do on their feet. Yes. Look at this guy

That's what drew me to breakdancing. I saw videos and I'm like blown away. I said what the fuck I'm 90% sure he's Korean The thing is look at that these power moves are common now. Yeah, it's crazy is like Established breakdancers are like oh that's like a dick joke or something no no no one thinks this is a dick joke this is fucking outstanding no i guarantee you there's like hipster or elitist breakdancers who look at just power moves like this and they go no he's all power no style i don't think so man he's one of the best for some no no no you're talking crazy so that's that's that's like that's like saying oh dustin poirier all he does is punch people in the face oh those are air tracks For some. No, no, no. You're talking crazy now. So that's... That's like saying,

oh, Dustin Poirier, all he does is punch people in the face. Oh, those are air tracks. I know, he does air tracks. I would love to be able to do this. But imagine doing this. He could fucking... Imagine trying to learn that on your own. Go on.

I don't know. So how did you practice? Did you practice on pads? Yeah, so again, I was the only person who cared about this so i worked out i asked the gym teacher i go can i just practice on the wrestling mats after school and then i found this other kid who's into it this like mexican kid and then uh form a club kind of just me and him it was an unofficial club no one really knew about it and so we would

practice on a wrestling mat and then you know because it's softer than hardwoods because you'll bang your knees up in your elbows oh yeah if you don't know what you're doing up top is it harder to hold a stand because it's it mushes in a little bit right is it harder to yeah for like but we were trying to learn windmills and air tracks and crazy shit but i learned how to do a backflip off a wall in my time and you could do that yeah you could like run up a wall and backflip whoa and just like a standing backflip and then a round off to backflip these are so long ago i dare not try it because the risk to reward ratio like i don't know if i can still do it and i don't want to find out yeah you don't want to break

anything yeah how old are you now 36 shit breaks easier when you're 36. Yeah, what's the point? Yeah. I'm all right. I don't need to know that bad. Yeah. No bueno when you fall wrong from a backflip and break your ankle and then you're walking around. Why are you paralyzed? I just wanted to see if I could still backflip. Turns out I can't. And I go.

It's again, it's like, I mean, it's not a useless skill, right? Because it's cool to watch. like it's i mean there it's not a useless skill right because it's cool to watch but uh i think its coolness diminishes as you graduate high school dancing and stuff is that's what i noticed so cool to me uh well you're watching okay you're talking about professionals this is like top one percent you're watching yeah and that's fascinating to anyone of all ages right but i think everyone has this relationship you know school dances and like going in the circle and stuff like that and it's actually it actually is a social currency when you're younger you know who else can dance who adam hunter oh really really good i don't know that yeah go to adam hunter i think adam hunter comedian he danced at his wedding and he put it up on Instagram and I was like holy shit Adam Hunter can fucking move like really he's a wrestler too yeah also good body

control there you go coach is wrestling as well um but his body control is excellent I feel like if you like that's what I I was impressed by when I was watching your videos I'm like oh Fahim knows how to move his body like i'm impressed with gymnastics i'm impressed i'm impressed with like anything where it's i know you had to put a lot of time into it yeah even if i'm not interested in that thing i'm impressed with your dedication to it well i'm just a hobbyist like and also i've noticed sometimes i hear a song i like and i just i just want to dance to it i'll throw it up just because people seem to like it some of my fans and it's fun to do i don't claim to be the best dancer in the world but i've noticed it's kind of like a roar shock test for people some people think it's the fucking best

thing in the world yeah and some people are like this is napoleon dynamite this guy sucks i'm not claiming to be the best guy in the world i'm just doing something makes me happy well some people are just always looking for something that sucks that's what they're like that fucking sucks yeah what fucking sucks what sucks what sucks oh that fucking sucks they're always looking what do you like sure i don't like you asking me i see a lot of things that suck but i'm always looking for shit that's cool along the way you're gonna find some things that suck yeah i keep it to myself i don't keep it to myself. Really? No, no. I talk a lot of shit.

Do you have burner accounts? Joe Rogan has burner accounts? I don't post on things. I talk on the podcast mostly. Yeah. I feel like talking shit on the podcast, at least you know I'm joking around. Sure, yeah. You can just read the written word.

It can get confusing. Intention gets stripped. That's a good way to... I feel very established. You and you are bro you're fucking top comedian and you're on the number one podcast bro and we're smoking cigars and drinking scotch this is uh i was telling you earlier before we were only quite the welcome man i just got here what a what a way to thank you he's one of the early soldiers arriving moving i feel like i told you some things i can't you can't tell outside about what's happening here, but we got plans,

my friend. Yeah. People are hitting me up. It's interesting. We're moving in the right direction. Yeah. Segura's already here. Oh, he's already here?

Well, he bought a house. Oh. Yeah. He's healing from his leg and his arm from that horrific fall. Yeah. I can't watch it. I know what happened. I just don't want to watch the video.

I've watched it a hundred times. Ugh times i can't stand stuff like that i don't like it but you know it's a good lesson for people that your body is very fragile like when you especially if you're overweight like be real careful with super athletic explosive moves because you put tremendous strain in your joints you know and his knee just went bl. That's why I don't backflip. He was just dunking on a nine-foot rim. Can he dunk on a? Yeah, he can dunk. Tom's a very strong guy, very athletic guy.

He played football. I saw some old photos and stuff. Yep, yep. He's very athletic. Yeah. He's, you know, he learned how to box a little too. Oh, is this it? This is the successful dunk on the nine-foot.

Oh, yeah. All right. I didn't know I had that in. Hashtag dunk champ. 9 foot. But can he dunk on a 10 foot? No, no, no, no. No. That's what happened

is they went for the 9-3. They tried to go up. Oh, that's it? And that was the last time Don't show anymore. Don't show anymore. I don't think it's enough. I'm going to barf on the pond.

Good. I think I've seen enough. It makes my arm hurt. I can see his arm break. Do you have sympathy pain? Aye. Aye. Have you ever broken anything enough. It makes my arm hurt. I can see his arm break and I'm like, aye, aye. Have you ever broken anything?

I like fractured my wrist a long time ago. Backflipping? What were you doing? Nah, I jumped. We had this thing called pillow night

at my friend's house. You like how we delve into the story like it's going to be quite the yarn? Pillow night? We had a thing called pillow night.

Like, everybody in America, right? Oh, please. Why bust out the Calibri? This is just good audio. It is, right? This is just good ASMR.

Shout out to Foundation Cigars for hooking us up. Thank you. I appreciate it. Yeah, pillow night. We would gather all the pillows from the sofas and just everywhere around the house

and put it on a mound and then put a bed sheet over it. And then, you know, some houses have stairs that wrap around and there's like a little ledge here where you can. So we would jump off of that. Oh, no. We're kids. How old were you? Like 13 or something. Where are the parents?

I think they might have been there. This is probably bad parenting. But they were such cool parents. I didn't want to throw them under the bus. Cool parents get kids with broken legs. Yeah. So I think they were okay with us doing pillow night. So we were having a great time.

And then one time when I went off, I think my hand went through all of the pillows, all the cracks, and it just hit the ground. And I was like... Like I was hurt. That go that's not like tom oh really have you heard terms tom's noises he was making so i guess it's a human it's a biological response and then i go put the blanket over me but i just wanted them to put the i want it to be dark whoa just because i mean it's weird i've yeah i've never had this i go put the blanket over me and don't call my mom don't call my mom put the blanket over me the darkness will heal me yeah just it felt cool

it felt cool and healing and then once i could process the pain i was fine and then the parents were kind of freaking out oh my god do they know your arm was broken i don't know if they knew they knew something was up and And then I covered for them. I just go like, I hurt my wrist playing soccer. And then years later, I told my parents the truth. And it was fine. So you never got it fixed? It healed.

It was like a fracture. It wasn't a clean break. So I got it in a splint. Yeah, I got an x-ray. And where was it fractured? I forget. Yeah, but it was just like, I went a week or two with the hairline fracture. It hurt like shit. It's so easy to break

bones. It's kind of shocking. It's shocking how easy they break. Does milk really help or is that bullshit? Yeah, it's calcium. There's a little bit of calcium. Calcium is a part of the bone. It is funny how milk has a PR team. Yeah. You see those commercials like, I'm Kevin Love and milk helps me perform.

I did a milk commercial. Really? A long time ago? I did ago print ad back in the day for chocolate did you have the yeah yeah yeah no i think i was in a tank of chocolate milk if i remember correctly i remember freezing my dick off too i think it was really fucking cold i was in this tank of chocolate milk and i think my hands if i remember correctly my hands were on the glass. Oh, there it is. Oh, shit. So I'm in this tank of chocolate milk. This is during the Fear Factor days.

Brooding. What does it say underneath? My only fear is like running out or something like that. Yeah, my only fear is running out. Got chocolate milk. Were those your real hands or did they push it in post? Oh, those are my hands. Nice.

Yeah, they didn't give me some bitch-ass donald trump hands that's one of the funniest things like everybody on the left is like don't body shame don't body shame ever look at his hands unless it's him look at his hands i bet he's got a little dick yeah yeah yeah i always found that i have a bit about that like how like guys get vilified Just for our biology You know when we'll be like he's short He had a little dick For preaching all this body positivity

You sure shit on us a lot He had a fucking tiny little dick We come in all shapes and sizes You're beautiful ladies Body positivity unless you have a little dick That's gotta be the worst If you have a micro penis That's gotta be literally the saddest thing because there's

not a goddamn thing they could do about it. They can fix your lips. They can stuff things in your butt. They can give you a hair transplant. They can do a lot of stuff. They can't do a goddamn thing for a little dick. Someone needs a champion. The cause.

Because if you have a micro dick dick and some dudes have a micro dick like a small part not even a whole pinky like a small part of the pinky you've seen i'm sure i go that's you've looked no no this is how we find out i have a micro dick i go that's small no it's fine it's fine it's fine oh okay it's fine um this is better this finger's better oh yeah yeah i don't have a pinky i've got a A ring finger I've got a What is that finger That's a ring finger Yeah

But on the right hand Is it still a ring finger Oh that's a good point Fuck Like if you have a wedding ring On your right hand Well my friend This guy

Jean-Jacques Machado He was My jujitsu instructor Who was born with no fingers On his left hand So his wedding ring Is on his right hand He keeps Obviously he doesn't with no fingers on his left hand so his wedding ring is on his right hand he keep on that obviously he doesn't have fingers on his left hand so he has to have

it on his right hand that's the only time it's acceptable no one says shit about it because he'll choke the fuck out of you he still has an arm but when i see a guy who has a wedding ring on his like a ring like this just on their right hand i'm like are you just really into rings you're not married like one day i hope it'll be on this hand yeah but for now it's over here like some guys i mean i just can't like accessory guys i've never been that guy with like the leather bracelets the rings the necklaces beads beads are beads stretch they just got all this shit on them and i don't i can never be that guy i just can't or like a deep v i can't a deep v-neck t-shirt yeah like a deep v and like having all these trinkets and shit how about like a like a hawaiian shirt but way unbuttoned like unbuttoned way down the navel

yeah this is too ambitious look at my chest i feel like i have to get famous enough before i take those type of fashion risks yeah you already have drunk all the time we're on drugs yeah you don't give a fuck or like fedora guy or hat guy dora guy fedora's that's a stretch i do wear them paper boy hats all the time that's all right that's like peaky blinders you're good i love those i've always loved them yeah those are fine put them on like i feel good they're wool they warm your head up a little bit gets cold out i've always found whenever i'm like doing stand-up or traveling somewhere oh schultz but but that's because schultz is in miami so does vacation give you look at him he's he's on vacation he's doing a show down there he's like fuck this winter i'd love that guy

i'd love schultz to death oh oh gosh he's faking coke they should do real coke. Maybe it is. I don't think so. I think it's fake. They got real booze, I'm sure. That's fake coke. But they don't vacate or whatever. Yeah. Location matters. Don't you think we would do that if we were in New York? What if Spotify said, hey, Joe Rogan, we're going to double your salary, but you got to

move to New York? Okay. And then it's like, Jamie, you want to go to New York? Do you want to do shows on the subway or what? No. If we were in New York and then the winner came along, I said, listen, bro, fuck this noise. Fuck this black ice bullshit. Falling down stairs because you don't realize that your stairs are covered in ice.

Did you ever grow up on the East Coast? Did you live there at all? No. I've only bounced in to do stand-up a little bit. I've never spent enough time there. I lived in Boston for a long time, and I lived there when I had a paper route. So I drove a car every day of the year, 365 days a year for many, many years. So I was in snow all the time.

It gets tired. It gets tired. And these guys are like, fuck this. Let's go to Miami. And by the way, Schultz has been sending me messages. He's like, dude, he goes, they look at you like you're the biggest pussy in the world if you wear a mask. No one wears a mask.

So I sent him this video today of someone took a grocery store in Florida. No one has a mask. Old people, young people, no. I saw one mask in the whole thing. And everybody's laughing and yakking it up like there's no pandemic. That's crazy. I think even the perception of Texas, people have it wrong. Because when I came here, you have this idea of what it's like pandemic that's crazy i think even the perception of texas uh people have it wrong because when i came here you know you have this idea of what it's like because it's a little

more open but you go into these places you know i went to anton's to check out kill tony and and we went to a bar like uh afterwards everyone's wearing masks everyone's kind of they're they're playing by the rules everyone's wearing masks i think there's this conception that no one's wearing masks and everyone has six shooters and shit. This is Austin, though. Austin is Texas light. It's the perfect blend, in my opinion, because it's like a lot of really cool,

open-minded people. A lot of tech people are moving here. A lot of creative people. A lot of musicians. Now a lot of comedians, too. And then you got on the outskirts. The outskirts are guns the outskirts is all guns so we're in a bubble it's all guns protected zebras and fucking tigers and giraffes

and shit yeah if you just go like to plano go to plano tech you're not gonna see any masks people don't give a fuck there's a lot of places in texas where they don't give a fuck about masks but also i think their population is so sparse where maybe they can get away with it. Like LA is just so densely populated. There's a little bit of that. Yeah, there's a little bit of that. Anytime there's a real, any kind of real problem, you don't

want to be in a highly populated. I used to think about that's why I built an apocalypse truck. It's one of the reasons why I built this truck with a giant gas tank and like this 95 Toyota Land Cruiser. You have it? Yeah, yeah. I built it saying, okay, if some shit goes down, first of all, I just think they're cool.

I've always wanted a 95 Land Cruiser. It's like the last year where they had two solid axles, front and rear live axles, like these big, thick axles. It's a lifted truck. You can kind of go over anything. It has lockers. It has locking differentials on it, so you literally can drive through mud, snow, anything.

I'm like, this shit hits the fan. These fucking roads are going to be jammed up. You're going to need to go that way. Here's the road. You're going to need to go that way. You can't do that in a Prius. You're going to have to get the fuck out. I was really worried about earthquakes, fires, some weird shit if something happens and you

have to, like, literally live out of a truck. Yeah, I'm fucked. I'll have to hit you up. You just can't live where there's too many people. It's not tenable. That's kind of why I left LA. I mean, it's tentative. I have an apartment out here bro i got plans for

you you got plans for me just uh we gotta do this i'm day two day two day three in austin but the genesis of it was uh i have this writing job back in la so i'm writing for some sitcom and it's a zoom writer's room so we all hop on Zoom we write the script and all that and also we're shooting now so we're watching

we're watching the actors can you say the show? yeah it's a CBS show called United States of Al it's not out yet April 1st

Al Franken making a comeback? yeah it's an Al Franken vehicle he's just doing coke with a Hawaiian shirt on they fucking me too'd me I didn't even do anything it's an Al Franken vehicle he's just doing coke with a Hawaiian shirt on they fucking me too'd me

I didn't even do anything it's his comeback baby ah uh no it's uh it's a Chuck Lorre show oh okay he owns

he has so many shows oh that guy's uh he's the OG yeah man he's like Norman Lear 2.0 and then I gotta shout out Dave and Maria

the EPs of the show they you know wanted they were familiar with me from the comedy store and stand up and it was really cool and then I got to shout out Dave and Maria, the EPs of the show. They, you know, wanted, they were familiar with me from the comedy store and standup. And it was really cool the way I got the job because, you know, most staff writers, you send in a packet and it's really hard to get like a staff writing job,

but they just offered it to me. They just knew my standup and were fans of it. And we're like, would you like to write on the show? And it was in the middle of a pandemic. So I'm like, yeah, of course, like I've got nothing else going on. Like standup was shut down. What else am I like to write on the show? And it was in the middle of a pandemic. So I'm like, yeah, of course. I've got nothing else going on. Stand-up was shut down. What else am I going to do during the day?

It's good to keep active. It's good to keep active. And also I've learned I've been a stand-up for so long. I've been doing like 18 years. I've just been – you're an astronaut when you're a stand-up. You're just floating. You're like a mercenary. And I love it so much. I have so much respect for stand-up you're just floating you're like a mercenary and i love it so much i

have so much respect for stand-up and the craft but i've learned even just having this job for like a month or two or whatever uh perception is a reality because just because i value stand-up so much doesn't mean the rest of the world does like this job was kind of serendipitously happened and i got it and just some of the headway i've been able to make just because you have i'm a writer on the cbs chuck lori show like heads turn a little bit people respect it because they know it's people just when you tell like the average person or even industry wise you're a known quantity they go okay it's like a shorthand cbs and chuck lori whatever they trust this guys and they are giving this much money uh okay so that's it's like a resume you

must be good so you must be good right whereas if you're a guy who just kills in the or like i was just killing in the or um but that doesn't i think this all stems from your parents not wanting you to be a stand up and being very bummed out that you were an engineer and you went from being an engineer to being a stand up you're always looking for this sort of like mainstream like my son he's writing for a CBS show

dude you know what I noticed cause like you know I started stand up when I was 17 or 18 and it was bad like I mean whatever we love each other me and my started stand-up when I was 17 or 18, and it was bad. Like, I mean, whatever. We love each other, me and my dad. But it was like I was doing heroin.

Maybe we talked about it last time. But it was very contentious up top. And time tempered him a bit, just he couldn't be that mad for that long because I had been doing stand-up for so long. You have to accept it to some degree. But once I got this writing job, that was it. It was crazy. Like, my dad became a comedy nerd suddenly he was like and how do they write the show so it's a room and then everyone pitches like he's I've never had my dad ask me more questions about comedy in my life really once

yeah and I realized he wasn't opposed to comedy he just loves nine to five jobs he loves structure he loves structure he can wrap his head around punching in and punching out right right right like doing the clubs touring with you or something or like doing these sporadic acting things and getting a writing job this bohemian lifestyle of a stand-up is too esoteric for him to understand i get it but where it's like they're paying me this yeah i write a script from nine to five that he gets and he loves he loves security yeah well that's a disciplined man that's what that is disciplined people love jobs they love security it's also an immigrant thing, though, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. It's such an American luxury to follow your dreams. And like, what makes me happy?

Yeah. No Middle Eastern dad ever asks, are you happy? What does happiness have to do with anything? Yeah. There's duty. Right. And there's how does the family look? Right, right.

Yeah. Are you embarrassing the family? Are you embarrassing the family? Are you taking your pants off on stage? Honestly, I think the early years of me doing stand up probably thought I was a clown that's the thing about stand up

everyone thinks you're delusional or a crazy person until you get a sliver of success and then they're all about it it gets very little respect even as you become successful which is why plagiarism is not taken nearly as seriously in stand-up as it is in literature or in music.

In music, I mean, think about the lawsuits in music where someone just takes a riff of something, you know? Yeah. And then it becomes like, what is that guy's name? Robin Thicke? Blurred Lines? Yes. From Marvin Gaye, right? Yeah. I mean, and it that guy's name? Robin Thicke? Blurred Lines? Yes, from Marvin Gaye, right?

Yeah. I mean, and it's clear, right? You listen to it. You're like, the songs are very different, but it's clear that the riff is taken from that one song, He Lost the Lawsuit. Or another one is, who sang Bittersweet Symphony? They lost all their money.

Excuse me? Yes, it's a Rolling Stones song. It's a great fucking song. They had to give all that cheddar to the Rolling Stones. Stand up. We have this wild west. We have conversations. I kind of like the way it is. It's very... We have this wild west. We don't get respected like that. We have conversations. Yeah.

I kind of like the way it is. It's very... It's weird, though. To have that combo? Yeah, it sucks. It's weird that people don't respect it, but they do love it. Like, everybody loves Richard Pryor. Everybody loves going to see Chris Rock or Eddie Murphy or Dave Chappelle or Bill Burr. People love to go see a comedy show but the

craft of stand-up is not appreciated the way constructing a song is or the way writing a book is or the way a lot of other things are yeah you think because we're mostly fuck-ups because a lot of us are fuck-ups a lot of us are very undisciplined we Anytime you can go on stage, just wing it. Like, you've ever done those stand-up-on-the-spot shows? I love those. You love those, too. Love those. Love those.

You write so much material just because it forces you to. Those shows were so important. And just being able to have a show where I used to do this thing where I would do, and Dave does these now. When Dave and I do these shows out here at Stubbs Barbecue, we do the show, and then we both, he gets off stage, goodnight everybody, thank you very much, everybody claps, and then he turns to the back, I come out,

and then we both go on stage, and we just talk shit. That's the best. And we just improvise. People yell things out, and Dave is the master at that. It's so best. And we just improvise. Like people yell things out. And Dave is the master at that. It's so fun. Most of those things are just me laughing at him because he's on stage to laugh. And then by the time I get on stage, he's probably had three or four shots of tequila.

He's lit. And he's just on fire. And it's him making me laugh, him making everybody else laugh. And, you know, we're fucking around. But I used to do that after my shows. I used to do this thing where I would say, if you have anything you want to talk about, just lift your hand up. Tell me what you want to talk about.

And then I would, every now and then, I would come up with something. But it would be sort of anticlimactic. And I feel that about these shows, too. It's like sometimes it's anticlimactic, but those shows like the Stand Up On The Spot shows shows we knew it used to be called thunder pussy do you remember that oh yeah yeah we used to do it in the the tiny room at the ice house oh okay the annex yeah we gotta start doing those out here i need those the best those improv improvisation shows are so it should be a category of comedy i think so yeah it's it's a very important category

because you you there's a freedom to not having any act that you could fall back on where you're forced to create that's kind of why i started doing lance at the comedy store this character that i lance stampinopolis lance can't stop us yeah and that was the beauty of having you wear a wig i had a mullet i had a mullet pre-theo i was the first mullet i love theo but i was the first m having... Didn't you wear a wig? I had a mullet. I had a mullet pre-Theo. I was the first mullet. I love Theo. But I was the first mullet at the comedy store post 80s. All right.

Howie Mandel. He has me there. He had a mullet? Oh, yeah. Howie Mandel? Yeah, yeah. That's Lance. How did you get that on?

What is that? So that's just like a weave. It's like two rows of extensions. But what's crazy is I would dress up like that at the store and people who even knew me as me didn't know that was me. Well, I remember one time I said, I brought you up and I said he has an alter ego. Oh, I was so mad. Yeah, you're like, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Because he's not, he's not a character.

He's a real person. How did you do that? That's like Photoshop. Oh. But the beauty of it was, so I mean, the character developed on accident. It was this organic. That's why I love the store. Some people think the store is just like, you know, some of the alt people who just

go, it's all, you know, club comics and it sucks. Those alt people just need a hug. Yeah. I had an argument with someone about that i was like listen you know like they they're saying that they were never accepted there i'm like oh god and then once it got hot you gotta how do i get there you can get accepted there but you've got to perform it's it's not it's it's a tough room well you have to yeah you have to do well you can't just do stuff gower stuff like people want to be accepted because of their

credentials yeah well i'm on a television show you know i had a a blah blah blah comedy central Yeah, you have to do well. You can't just do East of Gower stuff. People want to be accepted because of their credentials. Yeah. Well, I'm on a television show. I had a blah, blah, blah, comedy central special. You got to get rid of that band, bro. You drive me crazy. Sorry, man. I'm new to this.

Pull it off the top. Just squeeze it off the top. Just pull it like this. What, this? Yeah, no, do it like this. Pull it. It'll come over the top. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, shit.

It's hot. Like a condom. It's hot, Joe. Oh, shit. It's hot. Like a condom. It's hot, Joe. Oh, Jesus. I just don't want you to smoke the band. But I love the band. It has all the flavor. I love glue.

I don't think that's what you're supposed to smoke. All right, hold on. I got to finish this on the store. Jamie's shaking his head. Whenever I'm confused, I turn to Jamie. Isn't a great manly thing, smoking cigars? Yeah, I just got got into it do you trust girls who drink scotch and smoke cigars yeah why not it's like girls pretending they're into like i want to watch the game but they just want to spend time with you yeah some girls do like to watch the game yeah

that's true that's no knock on girls who actually like sports but i want to finish the thought on on the store like yeah it is people don't realize how experimental that place is maybe less so once it became this beacon like once once you came to the store and then i fucked it up nah you made it great you made it great you made every night awesome because i was there in the dark ages and that's that's how that character lance came to be because there was no stakes whatsoever. You didn't have to worry about industry being in the crowd. There's no agents. No one was coming to the comedy store.

They were all at Meltdown. They were all scouting at a comic book store. I've done. I have my foot, one foot in alt, one foot in club. I've done comic book shows. I feel like I'm an alt guy in a club world. And I'd rather rather i just like that do you really kind of i'm a little left to center like i am as well but i don't think you're alt at

all because you're too funny thanks but that's kind of what i'm driving at where i want to be able to do well in a in a club setting anywhere in the country because then that's universally funny yes because if i do some and i've done them before, and they're great. Space is great. You know, time is time, and any comic getting up, and anyone doing stand-up is great. But if you just do alt shows,

it breeds a very specific narrow band of comedy, and you may be killing it in a laundromat, but when you do the Houston improv, it's going to be tough going. You'll be like, why isn't it going how it does at the laundromat? Because you just, you've been playing the same field the whole time.

But so I got past when it was the dark ages at the store and I could take big swings and not worry about it affecting my career because I was doing comedy. It was to do comedy for comedy, not for like results based really, other than just artistic enrichment so i remember willie hunter was doing this variety show in the main room he goes he knew he knows like a dancer he's like hey can you i want you to be the musical guest can you dance on it and i go that's weird if mia's for himanwar just like dances during your variety show segment. That's like odd.

I go, I'll do it as a character or whatever. I'll like, and he goes, yeah, yeah, whatever. I don't get it.

And I go, okay. Cause this Lance guy, I, I had visually, I did a sketch via Melissa via senior. So I already knew what he looked like visually. I go,

all right, I'll dress up as this guy. And he goes, what's his name? I need it for the flyer. And I go, his name is, he's made it up on looked like visually I go alright I'll dress up as this guy and he goes what's his name I need it for the flyer and I go his name is he's made it up on the spot I go Lance Can't Stop-a-List cause it sounded like

can't stop dancing you know like Can't Stop-a-List so he puts it on the flyer I do Willie's variety show I come out I dance the Chromios night by night it's a funny it's funny it's just a funny dance I'm not talking at all. And then I'm floating around the comedy store. You know, it's a fun house.

There's the belly room and it's kind of dead. It's later at night. Brenton Biddlecomb comes up with a stopwatch. He goes, hey man, we don't have any comics. Can you go up in the OR? And I've got the mullet and I've got the wife beater and I've got the jeans and shit. And I'm like, yeah, okay.

Like no comic turns down stage time. I'm like, yeah, okay. Like no comic turns down stage time. Like, yeah, I'll go up. So there's maybe 10 people in the crowd and I'm about to go up. And in my mind I go, I can't talk like this, dressed like this. Like, hey guys, like I have a mullet. And I'm like, anybody from out of town?

Or I mean, I'm like, I go, I got to do an accent. Otherwise this makes no sense. So I get introduced, Lance Canstopolis. I come out. I'm like, what's up? How accent. Otherwise, this makes no sense. So I get introduced, Lance Canstopolis. I come out. I'm like, what's up? How's everybody doing tonight? You're good. And I just do crowd work.

There's some cougars. Do you have a back story? I have no back story. So I'm just like, what's up? I'm just doing crowd work. No material. You had cougars in the crowd? Yeah.

I'm like, what's up? You got tiny champagnes? Yeah. How's it taste? Yeah, they're good. And then it was getting a type of laugh that is different than a joke laugh like i've killed before as as me and but but there were these moments that were so special where it planted the seed where i go oh this is different this is kind of like when you're a kid

with your friends or your brother it's a childlikelike laughter. You don't have to be like, oh, that's clever. It just punches you in the chest. So I started doing it a little more regular, like three months later or two months later, I tried it again. And then I started to really hone in on who this guy is and how to do it. Because sometimes it would be magical.

It would fucking blow the room up. And then sometimes it'd be magical. It would fucking blow the room up, and then sometimes it would be very whatever. But then I got good at, it just became Q&A. There's no material with Lance. So they introduced, they go, Lance Can't Stop All This, and they crank up this dance music,

and then Lance dances for like a minute. Just dances, and it sets the tone. It's so beautiful, because people are on board. After they see a guy dance for like 30 seconds up top, when they've been watching guys come up and it's like everyone's playing baseball

and Lance is playing lacrosse. So he dances for like a minute and then he's like, how's everybody doing tonight? Anybody have any questions for me? It shows how loose you are too, that you can go on stage and dance. But it's kind of a testament

to that stand up on the spot, no net because and it's liberating because i'm a heady guy i'm like i'll think about jokes and structure when i do me like all right what i want to do tonight lance i don't have to think i just show up do you put yourself in a lance mindset not really i'm kind of in the back i have the mullet and like as soon as they play the music I dance for 30 seconds and that's just so freeing yeah and then once I'm done with that it's just Q&A and Lance is so fast and quick that it surprises some people and it's just so fun you say Lance like it's not you cuz it's not I'm like my mom would hit me up she'd be like I don't like the way Lance I did I didn't raise you that way i don't like the way lance she saw lance talks about

fucking no because i would post it on instagram and youtube and shit you said that ah there you are yeah yeah i like lance yeah you know lance was the first time i saw you oh that's hilarious yeah some people have seen that Some people have seen me that way Where they've seen Lance first before me And I think that's a trip It took me a while to figure out what the fuck was going on The first time I Obviously I didn't see you

I think the store was the first time I saw you on stage I think it was 2014 And that was when I came back And I was just sort of acclimating myself to some of the people that were there and I saw you go on stage

as Lance. And I forget who told me to watch. Like, dude, you gotta watch this. This is fucking hilarious. I wish I could remember.

It might have been Burt. And then you went on stage as Lance and I was like, this guy's fucking funny. And he goes, that's not really his name. He's actually Fahim Anwar. He's a really funny guy. I'm like, what? This is not him? Yeah. I thought you, this guy's fucking funny. And he goes, that's not really his name. He's actually Fahim Anwar.

He's a really funny guy. I'm like, what? This is not him? Yeah. I thought you were that guy. I thought you were this like wild dude. But that's the beauty of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because, and even in the early days of developing Lance, obviously you want to hit a home run every time. You want the room to blow up. But even if it's kind of a whatever set, the fact that 70% of the crowd thinks that's a real guy is a win how about 100 of the crowd it is 100 maybe just the comics in the back now yeah the only people that don't know or that do know are the people that have already seen you before like this is fahim dude this happened too so i did a lance set and i always take the shit out after I'm done. You know, I perform. I go in the back, you know, the bar area.

Right. Take the clips out. I put a hat on. Change your shirt? Yeah, I'm like Superman. So then I'm back in the back hallway shooting the shit with all the comics. And this girl, she comes up to me. She's like, oh, my God, that was amazing.

And then I never own up to it. I'm like, what? She goes, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I thought you were someone else. And then she just own up to it. I'm like, what? She goes, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I thought you were someone else. And then she just like went away. I thought you were someone else. Like even if you're just saying, oh, you have me confused with someone else. She's like, oh my God, I'm so sorry.

Yeah. I just got a quick haircut. Yeah. She believed it. That's just a testament to kind of losing yourself in the character. It's like hair clips or something it's just he just clips into the back and then it drapes over did you decide what nationality this guy is so this is beautiful i didn't it organically happened people because i would do q and a i'd go

like anybody have any questions and and then it becomes fun because then the crowd it starts with the comics the comics will start asking some questions and then it makes the crowd feel comfortable asking their own questions and the game is like trying to paint lance into a corner but lance gets out of it every time so yeah there's something about going on stage and dancing like that that makes you loose yeah do you know do you ever watch muay thai you ever seen muay thai fights yeah there's a thing that they do in traditional muay thai called the y crew and the w-a-i-k-r-u and y crew is a dance that muay thai fighters do before they fight and it's hard to get people to watch it in america so a lot of the American promotions eliminated the Y crew.

And a lot of the traditional Thai fighters get very upset by this because it's an important part of it, not just for tradition, but also because it helps them loosen up. So they come out and dance. Yeah. So they do this dance where this music plays plays traditional thai music and they come out and they dance see if you can find some of that uh y crew um dance and they wear this uh i think it's called a mong tong this this uh head band that goes around and it has like a and then they have these things around their their biceps and they do this dance, and they stretch out while they're doing this dance. So these two fighters are doing this dance in the ring before they fight.

So instead of just, ladies and gentlemen, in the red corner, for him and more! Instead of doing that, these guys come out and, like, give me some music. So you hear the horns, the traditional music? I actually did a commentary once back in the day with a gentleman named Richard Norton. He and I did commentary for a traditional Muay Thai event and they did all this. So he's doing all this and warming up and loosening up. And I actually got to do commentary for a legend,

this guy named Koban. Koban, I don't know the fuck of his last name. Luxumtaikom, I think is his last name. But he was a real Muay Thai legend. It was a small Muay Thai production. But this is how they do it. They do this thing. So they're moving around like this and part of what they they're doing is they're loosening up and getting ready but oftentimes if

there's some uh some real static between you and the other fighter they'll like look at the other fighter and pretend they're shooting arrows yeah oops oh hit this but it's uh this thing they do and when you do that i was talking to a tie fighter about it he goes one of the beautiful things about it is it gets rid of your performance anxiety because you do that before you fight and then you feel more relaxed about being in front of the crowd i believe it like i i honestly it was by happenstance the that the intro happened this way but i do think it is twofold. I think it loosens me up as a performer because I've just expended all that energy and I'm dancing around and you're just like worked up and ready to go.

It's not like waiting to blast off into a cannon or yeah, it just loosens me up as a performer when I do Lance. And then also I think it's very endearing to the crowd because they have seen, it's a vulnerable place to be in yeah to like dance in front of a crowd like that at a comedy show and they've seen every comedian throughout the night yeah and I would always have Adam put me up like in the elbow of the show like midnight kind of there's all these heavy hitters and then you know how like the newcomers kind of come on towards the end not that they're bad but they're like newer yeah and just wouldn't know

them as much they're like growing but you can there's magic in those moments yes that's why i always wanted to like once they've seen a lot of great comedy and they've seen enough people go up and be like hey what's going on because then once you see this is so different than what you've seen throughout the whole night and i've noticed that once i dance for 30 seconds the crowd's just like ready they're just ready to go because one of the hardest things about stand-up is earning a crowd's trust up top especially if you're not famous i've always found it fascinating when because i've you know i've been not famous longer than i've had some recognition maybe as of late. When do you think you started getting recognition?

How long ago? It creeps up on you. Four years? Yeah, maybe like three or four years. Like I would do Punchline and it would be sold out, and that's weird to me because most of my life has not been that. Right. What turned it for you?

It's been, you know, back in the day there was, I think, big breaks like you do johnny and you're on hey yeah yeah yeah there are these singular moments that blast you off yeah and mine has been just such a compounding over the years so much better off that way i like it too so much better because it's better for your mind yeah Yeah. Because the shift, the shift between one and zero is, it's much slower. And I'm so much more grateful for it. Yes. Because I know, I know what it was. Yeah. And if any, if anybody like, sometimes I'll get DMs or something and when I have time,

I respond to them and it means a lot. Like it's not lost on me that someone drove somewhere to come see me or they really enjoyed the show and i'm so grateful i'm not a child star who just thinks that this is the way the world works yeah you gotta hang on to that i don't think i'll ever lose it especially because i had to fight so hard to it wasn't easy like it's harder when your parents aren't on board with it like right right yeah so it's not lost on me yeah but uh have you noticed like even before you became joe rogan and such the hardest part about stand-up is getting that trust from the crowd oh yeah for sure yeah like is this guy funny i always think it's so strange people will pay this crazy ticket price and two drink minimum and when you go up they're like this is before you are who you

are they're like this guy funny trying to make me laugh like you paid all this money why don't you give me the benefit of the doubt but you kill him with the first joke and then you're your gravy well it's also because people see stand-up as talking and everybody can talk not everybody can dance if you go out there and dance i'm like oh i can do some shit i can't do you know yeah if someone goes up and talks like i can fucking talk i've been funny before everybody's been funny everybody said something at work and it's funny you know what i've also noticed about stand-up like because i get this sometimes i'll post clips and i walk the line sometimes i think something's funny and it's just a joke but when you when you release it to the internet some people could take it the wrong way they have their own baggage they see the world through a certain

prism and they're like i don't think you can use that term or i think it's offensive and i always hear i go i understand you my intent is never to offend when i write jokes and such but i always think it's so unfortunate how we are doing a performance on stage. And I think standups, because we are in plain clothes and talking so casually like a common man, they don't give it the same liberties that you would a stage play or a TV show or a movie. Like if some of the stuff I'm saying you saw in a TV show or whatever, you wouldn't write a letter because your mind can make that separation but because i'm in plain clothes you think i just wandered

off the bus and i'm talking about these things right they don't see it as a performance when it is especially when you're talking about fucking right that's probably like your most controversial stuff no what do you mean you don't think so fucking yeah for what do you think is your most controversial stuff uh well sometimes if you if you like delve into uh if you're talking about sexual identity and you've done like a crafty joke and like you're on the right side of it but people just hear certain knee-jerk buzzwords right and it's almost like they don't hear the entire context or that i'm actually on their side they just hear a certain word and they're like they eject their seat out of but

it's it's the only thing that's also a challenge because there's a way to introduce these bits and sometimes we take a straight path and it's not really the right route the right route is almost to go around the back door and sneak it in. Like one of the things that I've found with my own act is the more controversial the material is, the more I have to be self-deprecating before I can introduce the material. I had a bit about the guy who broke into the White House. I don't know if you ever saw that bit. I don't know if I did.

It was a tricky beginning. I don't know if you ever saw that bit. I don't know if I did. It was a tricky beginning because the beginning of the bit, it was like I had to get through some dangerous waters. But I really couldn't figure out any other way to do it because the bit was there was a woman during the Obama administration who was guarding the front door of the White House. And a guy broke in and smacked her to the ground and just ran through the White House. And it was really – she wasn't even armed. It's the dumbest idea in the world.

And the thing is, the bit was people say that a woman can do anything that a man can do. Right? And then there would be some drunk lady, too much to prove. Like, yeah! And I'd be like, that's not true. Because a man can't do everything a man can do. That's why we have olympics because there's some people that do shit that you can't do i go you know how i know this because i met shaquille o'neal and his dick is where my face is okay and if she if the white house is experiencing a shack attack i'm the wrong guy to save the world

and i go i go listen my i my favorite people in the world are women i have a wife and i have three daughters they're my favorite people on planet earth if i had to choose three people to save those would be the people but if they're guarding the white house i'm getting in i could fuck them all up at the same time i'd be like come get some yeah but it's like i had to get to this point where i was explaining and it got it was a bit about a crazy person And the whole bit was about this guy like thinking this is his last day on earth like fuck this I'm gonna fuck it the suicidal guy who's running through the White House lawn thinking is this the last step of my life? Is this the last step of my life is this the any finally gets the door he grabs it. It's unlocked

He opens it. There's a woman in there. Smacks her to the ground. And he's running through the fucking White House. The only thing that saved the president was that there was an off-duty Secret Service guy who was having coffee. And this guy ran past him. He's like, what the fuck is going on? I think the guy was in his underwear, too. I think it was something crazy.

And he tackles this guy. But the waters of getting through, women can do everything. was in his underwear too i think it was something crazy and he tackles this guy and but that the waters of getting through women can do everything and i remember there was multiple times like one one serious time there was an executive from some fucking network who was in the audience she was drunk she's like no no and i was like you gotta let me finish because there's a point to this it's i'm gonna shit on myself. You're not letting me finish. And then I did shit on myself and she kept going.

I'm like, oh, Jesus lady. So that's what I'm talking about. You massaged it. You did the work. But like 99.9% of the crowd, if the crowd is laughing as a whole, that is a reflection that you've done the work

in the time that we're in to get away with that joke. Maybe five years from now, there's bits that i've done looking back where i'm like i wouldn't do that today i've grown society has grown but just the mere fact of tackling a certain subject even though you've done the work there is a subsect of people who will be like who will still do that now now yeah and that's that's their own thing that's always going to be there they're looking for a moment where they can chime in. And a lot of it is they can't even help it because they're drunk.

You know, when people get lit up, you're drunk and you finally, can I be offended? I think I can be offended now. It's time. It's the beauty and the downfall of a comedy club. I mean, it doesn't happen very often, but the beauty is that it's this fun. It's like a fort. It's wild. Yeah.

You can exchange. I always think of comedy clubs as a idea fight club. It is like an idea fight club. It's an idea fight club. You're allowed to, it's a safe space for saying outlandish shit. You can do it in that box

because it's performance, you're trying to figure it out. It's not, sometimes I'm trying to tackle a subject and I say something and the crowd doesn't laugh and it's pretty off-putting and that lets me know like okay i said it the wrong way i have to tweak it yeah or maybe i need to rethink how i think about things or yeah the audience is your editor yeah that's one of the other things too about like when i was in la during this shutdown, there was the only place

that you could perform was this place called Jam in the Van. You're in a van? So it's this series on YouTube that mostly these artists, these musical artists would perform in this van. It's kind of like

a tiny desk concert thing. That seems like the most COVID-y place possible. Exactly. So this is pre-COVID. It was called Jam in the Van. Pre-COVID? Pre-COVID, yeah.

But then once COVID hit, they stopped doing it in the van and they have, like wherever they work out of, they have this like outdoor space and they were starting to put on shows. And I was taught, I would be there almost every week in LA

because it was the only place to get up during the pandemic, during this latest lockdown. I would go there like every week in la because it was the only place to get up during the pandemic during this latest uh lockdown i would go there like every friday or saturday because that's the only place doing comedy there was nowhere else you can get up how were they doing these shows because you weren't even allowed to do i think they had some loophole where they said that it's a production you know you got to find some sort of like loopholes or whatever was he putting it online or anything i don't know i don't know but somehow they were the only show in town but when i was talking to the guy he goes we've been trying to do some music stuff we'll reach out to bands

and a lot of them just go no i don't want to do it like we can't get any bands to do the show but comics are like yeah so so so there's a lot of stand-up going on and there probably still is a lot of stand-up going on and i was thinking why is that and i realized stand-up we need the audience as part of the process we don't know if something is good offensive bad without the audience oh yeah they are integral to how we develop material. Whereas a band can make a song in a vacuum. Oh, yeah. And you're presenting the song. So that's why the bands are like, I'm good.

Whereas comedians are like, yes. Right. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, it's a weird art form. We need other people. But there's good and there's humility in that too, right? Because one of the things that happens that i'm sure you've seen is that certain comics they get successful and then they only do shows for their crowd and even great

comics like stanhope yeah stanhope told me like i wanted him to go up in the or he's like fuck that that's not my crowd because i worked 25 years to develop a crowd i'm not going to go up to some other but people's crowd and i'm like. That's what I love about the OR. It's the great equalizer. Yeah. And they're on top of you, too. They're right where you are. The front row is where you are.

Yeah. You have to actually be funny. And also, there's just so many heavy hitters on that show. Yeah. They're not all there for you. A few of them me too'd. A few of them. They're not all there for you.

So it's the closest you can get to being an unknown back in the day. Because once you get famous enough, it's hard to get a real read. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's complicated, right? It's a complicated art form. And the thing that you said about the the slow drip of success i think is is so critical i think it's important because it keeps you it keeps you in touch with who you are

as a human being you don't you don't have this drop off where the world changes and the world becomes like this i've had these moments in my life where i'm like yikes and then those moments what the the smart thing that i've done is I'm good at recognizing danger. I've always been good at recognizing danger. You know, like, oh, this is not good. And I just back off. So I stay away from social media. Whenever there's big splash moments, like big things have happened, like a Spotify announcement or something like that,

I just stay out of social media and i just stay in my own world and so it doesn't really exist in my world and jamie and i've joked around about it like we've done shows like how weird is it that we're here just talking shit and then a small city is listening yeah that's what it is yeah it's like a bigger than austin every one of these fucking podcasts is bigger than the entire population of austin just sitting there listening if you think about that that'll fuck with your head yeah it will fuck with your head crazy like even when i was thinking about coming here i didn't tell anybody and then someone texted me he's like you don't know

austin i go how do they know and then i find out that you mentioned it on a pod that just shows you the reach of the of the pod because i didn't tell anybody really yeah i told everybody you're coming yeah yeah i want everybody to come i think we can do this without hollywood that's what i think and i I think there's a not just a responsibility but a beautiful pleasure that I have with the podcast that I can boost the signal

of funny people and help. I love it. It's one of my favorite things about the podcast is that I can help people know about talented people and help their careers. It's such a paradigm shift. And it's really, I like seeing what's happened with comedians. We're sort of on the satellite of Hollywood.

We're on the outskirts. For the longest time, it's like, put me in your show. It's always like tap dancing for Mr. Hollywood. But I like what's been going on with like, you know, Andrew or Tim. Yes. Yeah. Just funny. Like you are the product.

Yeah. Like you're enough on your own. Right. And it's been really, these gatekeepers, these gatekeepers things up. Yeah. It's,

it's been liberating. And, uh, I always, some people will see like, it's so easy to see comedians get successful and be like, fuck that. Fuck him or whatever. I never have an attitude towards that.

I always, how can I learn from this? Or what's inspiring about this? Like they're taking ownership of their own career. They're not waiting for someone else to tell them that they're good enough. Like they know they're good enough. And no one is in control of the pipe anymore. Back in the day, there was these gatekeepers to the pipe, but now with YouTube and even the pandemic,

when the pandemic hit, it's terrible and it sucks. And it has hit a lot of people a certain way. But if you are healthy and if you take it a certain way, it can be a catalyst for good and change. Cause once I couldn't do standup anymore, I was like, what can I do?

What can I do? So then I started doing more sketches on IG and then also- We did these things we have in conversation to yourself. Yeah, just like little sketches

with myself. It's like quick and dirty and what's beautiful about IG is it doesn't need to be Dunkirk. That's Instagram for a lot of the people that don't.

IG, yeah. Sorry for shorthanding. Yeah, so if the idea is strong enough, you can get away with just playing both characters. It's fleeting, and there's a romance to that. But it made me do more sketches on IG and grow that way. And then also look at my hard drive,

because I have taped sets from when I was at Comedy Works or when I was in the OR. You put one up today from Comedy Works. We were talking about walking in on someone taking a shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's really cool, because I was like saving all, I was like a squirrel saving all these nuts for like waiting for Mr. Hollywood to say,

all right, you're next up. Like, here's everything. I've been waiting for you to say I'm enough. Yeah. And I've gone away, just seeing the way the landscape has gone, where I'm like, I don't have to be as precious with my material. can start releasing shit from my archives even like past lance performances

you could hear jeff scott laughing in the corner and stuff jeff scott so sad yeah i miss him i miss him too i miss him so much that made me so sad and it hit me coming by surprise because you don't realize you've been this is this person has been a part of your life for so long because you just seem like you're doing a set at the comedy store. Well, I have a different situation because I've been with Jeff since 94. 94, 95, I think he came around. And then, you know, we were, I hadn't seen him for so long. And then when I came back to the store in 2014,

he was like one of the first people I saw. And he had, he was just always there, man. He was always a sweet guy, always hugging everybody. When I found out he died, one of the first things I felt like is like, i don't think he would have died if it wasn't for this fucking pandemic i felt like i think it hit a lot of us that way too he was the fucking he was such a part of the store he was the one of the biggest parts of the store without being a comic yeah without being a guy who actually got on stage he was one of the biggest parts of the store and that felt like 10 months of him having no connection you know that was everything he was there every night man yeah i i hugged that guy every time i saw him he he was like a performer

without being a performer like obviously he did the piano but he had such great comedy instincts having done performing in his past and such because you've been to clubs before and they're sound guys and they're like yeah they're not really yeah they're not but this guy he was like jazz man yeah he was he was a performer he was a performer there have been times when i was doing lance or whatever and he would just like turn on a certain song and it was never disruptive it was always additive and to think about not having that when we go back and for it to happen during all this too where you can't even like properly process what what there was a zoom there was a zoom room where people could pop in and kind of like talk about jeff and have all these jeff stories and

like i had to hop in there. And it was so many people. There's so many great comics, big comics too. Like the Zoom room was like 100 people. Just it was great to at least have that. So it sucked to have something that seismic happen in a vacuum. There was a ritual that I would do. Not a ritual, just like a thing that I would always do. Pull into the parking lot, say hi to everybody, hug all the people I saw,

and go to the back smoking area, and I'd always find Jeff Scott getting high. Always. I'd get high with him. I'd give him a big hug, and I'd go, how many more people before I go on? And he'd be like, well, you know, Jeff Ross is on stage now. You got, like, two more people, and then you. I'd go, okay. And then I would go. He was a part of the foundation he was

he was he was so important man when he was gone I was like oh my no he heard as much as Brody it hurt it hurt as much as anybody I I agree and it creeps up on you you don't realize every set that I've done at the comedy store, he's been a part of. Yeah. And what I loved about Jeff is he was willing to play.

And play is such a big part. Sometimes stand-up, you can be so self-serious and think that you're changing the world. There is that, but sometimes it's fun to just have fun.

And I would get these harebrained ideas of like oh here's a music cue let's do this and he would be chomping at the bit because most comics just play up play off right but if i'm like i need him to play some piano or i need him to play this song he kind of lit up because it was like a mini yeah musical or something right right and and like seeing his spark. Because a lot of times I'll go to a city and I'm like, I have these sound cues. And you can see them kind of like roll their eyes or like, it's more work. But Jeff was more than down.

And he was embedded in the DNA of the comedy store. He was there for how long? 20 years? 25 years? More. Yeah. I think he was 26 years when he died. And he's the unofficial archivist of the comedy More. Yeah. I think he was 26 years when he died. And he's the unofficial archivist of,

of the comedy store because that place is notorious for no cameras, no filming, but sometimes he would have his flip cam from where they also remember everything. Yeah. He had an amazing memory, but he has this amazing catalog of magical moments at that place that now I think the store is working with the

family and stuff to try to retrieve especially in a pandemic if you notice like the comedy stores instagram what's unfortunate is that i love that place you love that place it's such a magic but it's it's this black box no one knows the magic that happened there well we know and we know the fans know the people that there was a lot of people that would go there get that get that band should i get it off that top band too you got another band taking all the clothes off they had two bands on i understand the double band thing he is the the people that would go there a lot they knew that was one of the beautiful things is like i ran into this dude um before uh everything

locked down and he was talking to me about a very specific bit and he was like i i just love how that bit has changed you know you started it out this way yeah and then i could see that you saw that there was like a problem with it that way and then you you snuck it in the back door in another way and then it started to pop i love those fans yeah the hardcore ones who like can see the process like guys who love jazz who don't play any musical instruments most people aren't like that yeah but i've noticed there's there's two store fans there's two audiences there's a physical audience the people who go there in la and like like that guy can see the nuance and then there's the online audience you don't realize how big the store is just sort of culturally and throughout the country

they can't go to the store every day so they don't know and it's almost like the online version is is their version of the store so like during the pandemic i noticed like a lot of kill tony clips are posted because those were recorded for posterity. Yeah. And that's their version. That's like the glimpse into what the store is. Well, it's also the best indication that the store is so integral for the growth and development of the beginning of a comic's career. Because most of the store you see, you'll see someone like Ali Wong or you see someone like, you know, there's so many of them that are just so established that by the time you're seeing them, you've already seen them on Comedy Central, you've already seen them, Andrew Santino, whoever it is.

You've already seen so much of their stand-up on television that it makes sense that they're there. But to see someone who's literally been doing stand-up for like three times and they go on kill tony and we're laughing at them like ah that's amazing that's really good keep going and pushing to track the growth it's i think it's very inspiring too especially for me as a comic even as long as i've been doing it i remember i got hulu years ago and then they had evening at the improv on there they had Evening at the Improv on there. They had a back catalog of all these. Bud Friedman? With the monocle? I don't know if I saw Bud, but they just had comedians. You can see

like Martin Lawrence. You can see Adam Sandler. You can see all these titans of industry do their Evening at the Improvs. Yeah. And they're like a year, they're like two, three years in, and you see them do their set, and they they're like two, three years in. And you see them do their set. And they look like any two or three year comic.

And that's, it's so refreshing to see that. I think an inspiring as a young comic to know that like Bill Burr or anybody who you see, you just think like, that's impossible. That's attainable, unattainable. I can never be that. Right. They weren't always that. And seeing those evening at the improvs shows you that it's a process.

That they were just putting the time in. And eventually they grew into who they were. It's a crazy process too. Because it's so long. Like it's 10 years before you're real. You know, you might have good sets before 10 years. You might do well. But really, it's 10 years until you're a pro.

And have had enough data points where you know what to do in every situation. Like a drink spills, you get a heckler. And the OR. I always call the OR the X-Men training room of comedy. It is. Because if you do the OR for multiple years there's nothing that'll happen to you that you haven't seen before especially the early or because the or before 2007 there was never any like real crowd control yeah i had two people throw drinks at me one guy

threw a bottle i've had a girl no not a glass threw an actual physical glass at me one time i had a girl she had like a she threw a a solo cup at me but it's plastic and i go is that how smart you are you thought like a you don't understand physics you thought an empty solo cup would reach me at you i forget i forget there was a table full of guys it was a father and his son and the son's friend. And they were assholes. They were really aggressive assholes. And I remember I got on stage

and they tried to be assholes to me. And I turned on them. But I turned on them in a way that they hadn't experienced before. I go, you guys are pussies. I go, this is what you are. What are you, being mean to people that are on stage because you're drunk and you think you're bad asses was it three i'll fuck up all three of you

people and there was this weird moment where like we're looking at each other and i go you guys are assholes like you're not you're not like cool guys so like interrupting this show are you're fucking losers if you had anything going on in your life you wouldn't be doing this and the guy got up and threw a fucking glass at me. You know what I love about this moment? He threw a glass at me like this. Like they've never done it before? No, it wasn't like he wasn't sure if he should try to hurt me. He wanted to make a statement, but he didn't want me to actually fuck him up.

It was this weird moment where we're looking at each other. I go, you guys are pussies. And you could see the look on their face. Like, what? Like, they couldn't believe it because they had been heckling every single fucking comic before me. It was crazy because there was no crowd. This is like, we're talking like 2002, 2003. There was no crowd control at all.

And when I said, you guys are pussies, I go, you guys aren't tough guys. You're up here yelling people telling people they suck i go you're losers you've never accomplished anything there's no way you have and there's this this heartfelt moment where the audience started like yeah i love when that happens because they think that they're the shit and the world revolves around them and then when they hear a room full of strangers clap against them yeah it has to they have to do some inventory like yeah oh fuck am i the asshole and then it started ramping up and then you know i started laughing at them and making fun of them because he threw the glass

at me and i'm like oh you weren't even trying to hit me i go you're so scared i go you're this is you forever i go i'm gonna forget about you the moment this show ends, and you're going to remember me for the rest of your life. And then we kicked them out. I had to get other comics to come and help kick them out, and then I bought the entire crowd a shot. I did this multiple times. This is one of the things that I did. I did it like more than 10 times where I bought the entire audience a round of drinks

because I said, look, this is uncomfortable. This is supposed to be like a fun moment of community. We're together in this crazy live show and something happened that's fucked up and we can get past this sure this is why they're gonna we're gonna get past this i'm gonna buy a drink so i'd buy everyone a drink i'd give the waitresses a crazy tip and it was so i'd spend thousands of dollars to like fill the entire crowd up with drinks and then i go but you got to do this it's going to take a while for the waitresses to get everyone a drink because there's 150 of us so like to let everybody and then we'll all drink together and we'll end this thing i love those moments at the store uh because it's just

statistics you you do enough shows that's going to happen you're going to get that outlier who does that but we do so many sets i kind of enjoy that happens. I'm not going to barrel through it. If you are disruptive enough, I'm going to address it and we're going to have some fun. I'm going to rip you apart. And even if it sacrifices the rest of my set, I have another set tomorrow. I don't give a shit.

Like it'll blend in for me, but you're going to remember, like, like you said, you're going to remember this for the rest of your life. Those guys are probably going to hear this podcast. Maybe, but it's,

I should have thrown their drink harder, but sometimes it's worth sacrificing your going to hear this podcast. Maybe. Fuck that guy. I should have thrown that drink harder. But sometimes it's worth sacrificing your set to teach this person a lesson. It was. It didn't even sacrifice my set because fortunately they had been doing it

with so many people that they had built up this resentment from the rest of the crowd. People were so angry at them. They needed someone like me to come up and go, what are you doing?

Yeah. And I let them spend time. I gave them room. I gave them rope. I gave them rope before I let them hang themselves. I gave them room. I gave them rope. I gave them rope before I let them hang themselves. That's my favorite. When the audience lets them know that they're healed. My favorite is when the audience is just here to have fun.

I hate those moments. I hate them, but they're the silver lining when you kind of go like, who hates this guy? And everyone's like, woo! If you're a good comic, you can get through that, and it'll work out. But that's also the benefit of the store post that. When I came back in 2014, there was a lot of crowd control. I mean, they had real security there, finally. Whereas before, it was comics acting as security. So you're asking a 110-pound guy to kick out three people.

Excuse me, sir. You're being disruptive. Can you leave? They just didn't have... The thing about the store is they would hire comics to do everything which is beautiful it's mitzi's idea hire a comic to be you know uh the person who takes the tickets hire a comic to be a person who seats you hire a comic to be the door people the bartenders everyone was a comic which was good and bad because the good thing was you could legitimate like tony hinchcliffe ari shafir a lot of these guys have gone from being the doorman at the

comedy store to being a professional to it's one of the reasons why i came back so i had to be there for ari because he was doing his special at the comedy store i was there and i remember i was friends with ari when he was a doorman when he was an open micer i became friends with him when he was just a young guy who was just starting out and then to see him i was so proud of him to see him there doing a comedy central special in the or i'm like this is fucking amazing this is amazing amazing. It was like a friend having a child. Yeah, totally. To us, it is that, honestly.

Yeah, it is. And what I love about the store is that there is an old school system like that where... There's got to be a better way, though. You need real security. Yes, yes, security-wise. I've talked to people about that when we talk about putting a club in out here. You have to have real security. Yeah, eventually we got real security.

But part of the reason I do love the store is that it is very nurturing to young talent. And there is a path. Because I think stand-up can seem so nebulous. And especially a place that is so, I don't know, in the consciousness of the world and the US.S., that they have a system like that. Like, okay, I'm a door guy. I'll work my way up.

I'll put the time in. And eventually you can climb if you put the work in. There's no other club that really has that. No. And no other club has the sort of, there's like a prestige to being a paid regular at the store that doesn't exist anywhere else there's a prestige to being a comedy store comic you know I remember one time I was working with Sam Tripoli and Brett Ernst and we were at the Hollywood Florida improv and we were all working

together and Trip Lee crushed, Brent Ernst crushed and then when he brought me on stage he high fives and he goes comedy store motherfucker and I was like yeah exactly like the crowd has no idea but it's an inside thing

for us it was like yeah this is like we learned how to do this shit that was when brent was doing that skater bit oh yeah yeah didn't he do it on the thing that sebastian was on it's like the wild west comedy tour bro it's a monster bit it's a monster bit it was such a good bit but he did that bit and just destroyed and then i went on stage after him and i'll never forget that he just looks me goes comedy store motherfucker and he high-f me. It's like being a, but the other problem with that is I have a friend who's a, he's a natural philosopher,

like writes philosophy books. And he said to me, he goes, the problem with that place is not the problem with the place of the problem, the place of the perception that other people have. He goes, it's a walled garden. And he goes,

and the people that are outside don't like it. It makes them feel bad. It makes them feel bad. They're not accepted. And that's why the place gets so much hate. And if you go there and it doesn't go well for you, especially if you're someone who has a television credit or something like that or you work at the UCB and you think you're, you know,

you think you deserve a level of respect, you know, in the industry and you don't feel like you get it there, you develop this resentment to all these people that do get, they're in.'re in with the in crowd you know and you try to looking for reasons why they're in so you try to say it's a white male thing but then you see chapelle go up and like well okay that doesn't make sense so what's a male thing or candace thompson go up like and you're like well it's definitely not a woman thing it's not a you know what is it what is it what's just a fucking harder place it's a harder place and it's it's also there is not a place in not on just in hollywood but on earth

that had lineups like that place where you would see jessel neck you know uh fucking whitney eliza joey diaz theo vaughn ari shafir. It's just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Everyone was murdering. On a Tuesday. Yeah, on a Tuesday. Tuesday was one of the best nights to be there. On a Tuesday. And if you were outside of that world and you thought that you were just going to go up with some fucking half-baked references about The Bachelor,

and you thought this is going to be amazing, and you went up and just ate shit. And I saw it. I saw people that were established comics that now have Netflix specials just eat shit and just walk out angry and frustrated. But you shouldn't be frustrated at the comedy store. You should be frustrated, if anything, you should just use it as fuel to develop your act

and make it bulletproof and make it undeniable because it's not undeniable yeah if you were really good you would have killed yeah instead of getting angry i always try to use moments like that as introspective lessons just all right what do i need to change how do i fix this not like they're wrong right it's like what can i do to crack this because obviously other people did crack it how can i do it those are the most painful moments is a moment after someone kills and then you go up and bomb so you know it's not the audience it's you i remember when i was early in my career one of the worst bombings i ever had like like life of like life changing like oh my god i gotta get my shit together me and jim brewer were working together. It was me and Jim Brewer working together.

And he was the middle act and I was the headliner. And I really wasn't a headliner. It was really, I got in the gig, my manager booked me as a headliner, and I would do okay as long as the middle act wasn't that strong. And I was fine all week. But then Saturday night, late show, Brewer was on fire. And if you've ever seen Jim Brewer on fire, Jim Brewer is like unusually physical. And he's just funny.

He's funny looking. I like Brewer. Voices, physicality. A great guy. So people like him. He's great. And my manager had convinced me that it was a good idea to dress up so i decided that oh i dress nice i had like a nice shirt on night pant i

looked like such a douchebag and i i was so nervous i was so nervous because he crushed so hard and i went on stage after him and just ate shit i think i was supposed to do 45 and i did 35 and bailed horrific yeah horrific but i remember thinking like i have some work to do like i have to figure out a way to first of all never be so nervous when someone kills because it wasn't like it was just a show it was like i was i was trying to figure out what do i do what do i open with what do i start with i had all these doubts and those doubts instead of going on stage and laughing at what he had done and thinking what a great show this is like i would do now i went on stage with fear and the audience smelled it right away and i just bombed but that was so important for me because that shifted my entire

career from that and this is only like i was probably like four years in or three or four years in. So from that moment on, like I worked way harder. I worked way harder and I cut a lot of shit out of my act out. And I concentrated a lot more on writing new stuff. And I tried to figure out what's the best way to go on stage, like immediately. What's the best way to start off like i restructured my act i wrote more i just got way more intense way more focused way more dedicated because i didn't want to feel that again that feeling of bombing those moments are a gift

those moments of painful failure are a gift in any aspect of your life whether it's stand-up comedy or any other discipline when when you have a moment of total failure and you've had some success in the past like you know you're capable of making people laugh but on this time you fucking failed and you failed miserably so you have to do an honest assessment of what was it what went wrong what happened and then regroup and then refocus and then re-energize and come back stronger get over that and that marked a giant shift in my career like there was like i had like a level of seriousness until that moment and then a much more intense level of seriousness after and i got way funnier after that like way better like i remember i worked at the same club. There was like a chain of them. And I worked at one of the sister clubs like a year later.

And I remember this manager coming up to me and goes, what the fuck happened to you? And he goes, dude, you didn't used to be that good. He goes, what happened? And I said, I think I just ate shit like one time really hard and realized I never want to eat shit like that again. But I was honest about it. Instead of saying, you know, these fucking people need to respect me i've been on tv i got credits i was like well they didn't laugh so i did something wrong and it's it's that painful feeling of introspective thinking where you you're looking at yourself and you don't like what you see

a lot of people avoid that yeah and they start coming up with external reasons why they failed or reasons it's the people it's the the club it's the environment it's the audience it's the booker it's they didn't respect me they didn't do this they didn't do that but it's not that it's you if you bomb it's you yeah because it's easier to just have your spikes out and look at everything else. It's harder to kind of do. It's easier momentarily, but over the long haul. Momentarily.

Yeah, it's not beneficial to do that. It's terribly, terribly unbeneficial. Look, obviously I'm not trying to not do well sometimes, but I found just throughout my career, I've learned the most from a set that doesn't do well. career i've learned the the most from a set that doesn't do well because on the car ride home no one works harder than when a set doesn't do well right because you're like okay well i gotta change things if a set does well you're like you're riding on you're on cloud nine and you don't you don't have to do any tweaks but i like having those moments even where i'm at now if if i don't have those every now and then or a joke doesn't do well,

I'm not growing anymore. I'm just sort of doing a victory lap. Right, right. And I'm not trying to do that. My best sets have always been after my worst sets. Yes. Yeah. Sometimes one of the things I do that I know I have an important set, I pretend I bombed.

I pretend I bombed during my last set and I just go over my material like I'm terrified. pretend i bombed during my last set and i just go over my material like i'm terrified and just and that level of i remember the movie mo betta blues with denzel washington i don't know if i've seen it i remember watching it thinking god damn like musicians practice so much more than comics like because i would just show up at shows and just like i know my material i'll just go do it but i remember watching these musicians and that i don't know why that spike lee movie stuck in my head but I remember Denzel Washington would not fuck his girlfriend because he had to practice I remember thinking I do not have that kind of

dedication like if I'm hanging around looking at my notes and my girlfriend wanted to fuck I'm like well my notes I know my act let's do it I like doing that though like certain shows I have a set list I can deviate from it but i like

making i like maximizing my stage time knowing what type of show it is and what i want to do on that show right like like an experimental show yeah or like david lucas's show tonight like i might try a new bit i'm not getting really paid to do this i'm just uh fucking around i'm fucking around i'm doing a 15 minute set the whole burden of the show isn't on me it's not like i'm headlining where people paying a lot of money to come see me and i have to deliver a certain type of show so when i'm doing these guest sets and it's not about the money i can take bigger swings i can grow and i've been doing it long enough where i'm not gonna bomb but i can i can have a lull i can i can recover from it i'm not gonna crumble if a joke doesn't do well but it's affording myself the opportunity to be like okay let's try this

and there let's like squeeze this new bit in yeah yeah to always be doing that because i think of it as cross training yeah i think like you gotta run and you gotta lift weights and you also gotta spar like you gotta do a lot of different things like in terms of martial arts you can't just only spar like you have to do other stuff yeah like you have to in and comedy is the same way you have to write but you also have to be free you have to be able to experiment on stage you have to be improvisational you have to be able to go with you ever see like when a comic who has a rigid set gets heckled and they ignore the heckle yeah you could do that for so long before you look like a robot and then you go this guy's not addressing the because

stand-up is all about addressing the reality yeah of the situation second by second yeah and you could do it for like one or two i think every comic has this moment when you're on stage at the or wherever you might be and someone's kind of being a little loud maybe a table and i'll plow through it and i'm there's this moment where you go do i steamroll over them or do i have to address this yeah and then sometimes it becomes so egregious where you gotta be like what's going on over here yeah you gotta talk to them yeah and there can be fun that had but if you just like keep on steamrolling, the audience loses all faith in you because they're like, this guy's not even present. Also, they can see that you recognize.

Like if you've got some crowd that's like really talky and loud right there and you're doing this and you're like, I don't understand why anybody, and then you're like, you see that this guy notices notices but they don't address it they're little animals they can smell it it's all about being real yeah it's also all about actually being in the moment you could say the exact same words and not be thinking about what you're saying and saying them the right way with the right cadence and they won't laugh but if you sit and you're but if you're tuned in and you're really concentrated on what you're thinking then they'll feel you and you can you get that's the trick right because if you've got a subject you've done

on stage 30 times you've done 30 nights in a row you've been working on this bit you got to pretend or at least you got to address it like this is the first time you're saying it yeah you have to access the feeling you had when you wrote it that's a good way to put it and it is the first time you're saying it yeah you have to access the feeling you had when you wrote it that's a good way to put it and it is almost like a performance or a play yeah and you're there again yeah from when you wrote it yeah and you're delivering it in the moment right and if something happens i can go off track and address these shitheads in the corner or whatever and then go back to it but that's not a skill like being nimble i always think that's such a skill that comes later in life just uh or just

doing stand-up the ability to be nimble to go off script and on script is is huge that's why there's no substitute for stage time yes stage time like uh i'll get dm sometimes from young comics and they're like how do I get at the store? They just want to go to the top immediately. Yeah, of course. And it's not about, and you'll see just maybe New York, LA as well, they just want to go to the, they think they're ready for the prime time immediately.

But it's not about that. Like that'll come when it comes. Your only focus right now if you're a new comic is stage time. You can't skip steps that's the beauty the one thing i love about stand-up like i'm fortunate enough to get writing opportunities and acting opportunities when they come but stand-up is one of the rare art forms where you can't skip steps you can't hide in editing no you're up there for 15 minutes for 20 minutes an hour whatever it is and you could don't you think it's so fascinating how you watch a comic and you can almost tell

tell a friend how long they've been doing it sometimes yeah yeah but it but sometimes even a guy who's smooth and polished if their their bits lack depth you go oh he's comfortable up there but he can't he doesn't have the ability to take something into deep water yeah you scratch the surface yeah that's what i've really i take it for granted that i've been doing it long enough where if you're in the clubs night after night you kind of know what is base, what is just scratching the surface, like what is hack or a trope. But you don't know that. If you're a year in or two years, everything's so new to you, how would you know that? Yeah.

But I think we have the luxury of doing it long enough where we go, our brain is wired a certain way where we go deeper. Yeah. Yeah. There's so many different things going on like you can see people that are really worried about their image see people that are really worried about people liking them they dress a certain way act a certain way and then they'll they'll tell a joke and be really hoping that it gets a laugh and the audience is no the audience knows that they're hoping it gets a laugh and they don't give it to them yeah and you see that fear in their eye and then they move on to another subject you're like oh my god you're dead you're already dead you know what i've realized like one of the

lessons i've learned from stand-up is uh it's almost more important than the jokes obviously the jokes need to be there but the audience knowing that you're comfortable on stage, I think is almost 90 or 95% of standup. It's a lot. Just knowing that you're enough without the crowd, not needing anything from the crowd. Obviously you want them to laugh, but that you'll be okay. Like they like,

I have this quote where I've created a word doc, just like lessons I've learned throughout life, whether it pertains to standup or whether it pertains to life. And like one of my big ones as of recently, maybe the last three or four years, is be comfortable being observed. Which seems like a given in standup

because you're on stage and such. But you'll see comics who are up there and doing jokes, but they're not comfortable being observed. But I think it applies to life even too, because there was a time in my life where I'd be at coffee bean or something. And I'd be worried that like, I'm taking too long with the half and half or with the sugars and that I'm holding someone's waiting.

Yeah. Someone's waiting and I'm taking too much time. But then just one day I was like, and that I'm holding up a lot. That someone's waiting. Yeah, that someone's waiting and I'm taking too much time. Yeah. But then just one day I was like, I'm not being egregious with how long. I'm taking the time that it takes. I was born. I'm allowed to be here on this earth.

It takes the time it takes. And when I'm done, I'm done. I don't have to rush. I just have to take the time that it takes to do this thing. And I'm not this, I'm in. I don't have to rush. I just have to take the time that it takes to do this thing. And I'm not this I'm in everyone's way is imaginary. And it's debilitating. And like moving through life at the pace that you're supposed to. That's also a very West Coast thing.

Because on the East Coast, everybody's like, come on, come on, let's go. And there's a benefit to that too. I guess. But you have to be pretty. You have to be like like a tourist like looking up at the skyscrapers and do it like i take the time it takes to do sugar and half and half i'm not gonna be like yeah there's that but there's also the awareness that people want you to hurry up because they're behind them like there's both things yes there's both things he's like like one of the beautiful things about the east coast doing east coast comedy this is i think attributable to cold weather cold weather

and immigrants because they all came on boats in the the fucking early you know 1900s and uh you know that's where my grandparents came and a lot of other people that live on the east coast they the people that were their ancestors their grandparents they came from europe or from wherever and they landed on the east coast and they stayed there and there's like a savagery to those people like there really is they they have a very short attention span for nonsense and they go if they work all day and they're tired and they go out to a comedy show they want to be entertained let's go they don't want self-indulgent nonsensical bullshit yeah and one of the things about growing up in boston that was really excellent

and you look at the comics that came out of boston whether it's bill burr uh myself there's a lot of patrice there's a lot of guys who came out of boston that have this like let's go there's very little pause in between the the bits there's a recognition and an acknowledgement of the audience's attention span and because you kind of have to have that yeah and you have to realize like you don't be self-indulgent these fucking people worked all day and they're tired and you know they want you to entertain them like that's what you're there for and you you can't take yourself too seriously and don't be too casual up there let's go i i agree with that just sort of to be tight to have your set

be tight and not be self-indulgent but i think there's a risk with early comics where they just kind of like they don't let a bit breathe enough or explore within it and i think the lesson i learned was that it's so like i've been doing it long enough where you can let the joke breathe or take these moments yeah that and i think it applies to life as well because i used to move through life like i'm bothering everybody or yeah i'm an encumbrance yeah whereas now it's sort of like i'm not being agreed i'm not taking too much time with the sugar and that's funny you keep going back to that like i've been traumatized half and half the life it's a microcosm it's a microcosm for everything else like as long as you're not being taking too much time it's okay to move through life at in the

allotted time that you are allowed yeah because sometimes people will nip things too soon and you don't get to milk the bit for as long as it needs to be right right right to be milked yeah i think it comes with proficiency too right like you know you're good enough to you know you're good the bits have real merit and you you know like you can hit them with a big laugh and then hold on to it. And like you're proficient. Yeah. You know what you're doing. That comes with doing it and then also trusting the writing that you've done.

Yeah. Because sometimes there are some bits that I do where I tell the joke or maybe I'm setting something up and they're being comfortable in the silence. That's something that I learned at the OR. Because before it's just sometimes some comics become steamrollers. And if they don't hear laughs every two or three seconds. Yeah. But then the audience recognizes you're panicky. It's hypnotism.

It's like, Chappelle is so great at this as well. I love comedy that can, you get these huge pops. It's just sort of like – if you look at the graph of the laughs and everything, and it's like jazz. I mean, it sounds cliche, but you can be like pop, all uppercuts. But I love a jab. I love a hook. I love an uppercut.

I love just like hugging. That's comedy to me, just being able to paint with all the colors. Because I think a lot of the downfall, which can be successful in the short run, is just like all uppercuts. But then it becomes formulaic and. Yeah. Yeah. It's the need to get a response constantly to reaffirm your position. Yeah.

Yeah. Just not needing that validation. Just realizing I'm enough for the idea. You know what's around the corner. constantly to reaffirm your position yeah yeah just not needing that validation just realizing uh i'm i'm enough for the idea you know what's around the corner the audience doesn't so it's kind of cool don't you see the pitfalls like sometimes you see you watch a young comic or a comic that's not that good yet and you see what's holding them back and it's almost like you wish you could tell them but you can't like you could you could uh maybe dude he would like put that on his vision board or he would like put in a

scrapbook i've had some conversations with comics or try to tell them they don't want to hear it like okay really even with where you're at you give them notes and they go i don't want to hear it yeah yeah i was uh you know what i'll say you got to edit if this bit is a really funny bit but it goes too long you got to edit and you see them the next time they're doing the same thing like you know there's funny parts of that bit and then you're trying to milk it but you lose the confidence of the audience because that other stuff is not that funny and i'm like you have to recognize that you have to kill your babies. Meaning you have to, that's a writing phrase. You have to edit.

And sometimes you get really attached to some of the work that you've created. And you don't want to edit it out. Like, I've got some great bits and never made it onto CDs or comedy specials. And, like, I had a friend of mine the other day bring up, like, whatever happened to that bit? I go, dude, that bit has never been on anything. And I'm like, that bit was a killer. I never had a friend of mine the other day bring up like whatever happened that bit i go do that bit has never been on anything and like that bit was a killer i got it never i never had a place for it yo i like i know what you're saying there there are bits i have that smash in the 15 minutes set at the or whatever but in my hour it has no home yeah there's a difference between i always like and you know creating a joke a joke is like a single and a set is like an album

so just because you have a great joke doesn't mean it belongs on the album so it's like a movie it's like a movie you got to cut scenes out sometimes gotta cut scenes out yeah yeah yeah and you got to cut sections of bits out to there's a there's a phrase that i always use with comics and i want them to really have it in your toolbox. It's the economy of words. You have to be able to get... It's huge. You have to be able to get to the point

before the audience knows what your point is. And then it pops. The master of that is Joey Diaz. Joey Diaz hits you with jokes and you don't know what the punchline is. You don't... By the time he hits the punchline, you're still absorbing what he says.

This is, in my opinion, one of the best bits I've ever heard in my life. I love transvestites. They cook. They clean. You can beat on them every once in a while. The cops come. Who are they going to believe? Me or some dude with a wig and a black eye. There's no support groups for these people.

It's a bit where it's so preposterous yeah like you're seeing a guy with a wig and a black eye cooking and the cops come it's like there's so many different things going on there but there's no fat in that like he's he because he's an east coast guy who comes from this shit talking background and he was in prison for fucking kidnapping a drug dealer with a machine gun you know i'm saying like there's no room for nonsense there's no room for self-indulgence in that world and so all his jokes come at you like that joey diaz is the king of the 20 minute set yeah he can murder in 20 minutes he can he can hit frequencies and r RPMs that no one can hit. Yeah, I've seen it. The OR, it's crazy.

It's insane. You've seen it. People don't know. If you watch his comedies, he's got a couple comedy specials. They're good, but they're not representative. You've got to see him live when he doesn't give a fuck. What is that? In the moment.

It's in the moment. I've seen that with certain comics where you see them live, and it's like this otherworldly thing. When you try to capture it on film, it's different. First of all, you're not there in the crowd. That's a part of it. Live performances are so much better. When you watch a recorded performance, whether any of my best specials probably triggered,

it's maybe 70% as good as actually being there maybe 60 so being there is better being there is just better you're there you feel it you sit down like when i go to a show today if i go to a show like right i went to see bill burr when he was out here was performing one of the theaters out here got to hang out with him was beautiful got to sit down watch his show but being there i was like i'm gonna see a show and watch a show. But being there, I was like, I'm going to see a show. It's a feeling in the air. Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr. Everybody goes crazy and claps, and you're sitting there.

It's exciting. You're there. You're physically in the presence of a guy who's just on top of his fucking game, and it's fun. It's exciting. It's in the air. You can smell it. It's like firewood burning. There's something about it. There's something this it's in the air you could smell it it's like firewood burning there's something about ah there's something about it it makes you feel good you're there there's people

there you look around you see these people they're really there you could walk up to that person and shake their hand they're right there that's real there's there's a lived feel a felt moment you feel it you don't feel it when you're watching tv you get you get a facsimile you get a reasonable version of what it would have been like if you had been there seeing jimmy hendrix at woodstock but he's there you don't get that from a fucking television you kind of get it so you have to be so much better than the way it's going to come off on television because on television it's only going to be a fraction of as good as what it really is when you're there live and there's also the comfort thing one of the things that i put a

bill hicks relentless he had a one set special one One set in a theater on HBO. Ready? Here it is. This is your whole fucking life's work. Go. This is the most people that are ever going to see your material ever. Go. And there's theaters, thousands of people.

He does one set and you can tell he's kind of tense. It's not as good. I've seen Hicks live. I saw Hicks live several times. I saw him live at the Comedy Connection in Boston in 1988 when no one knew who the fuck he was and he murdered.

Murdered in this preposterous way. And I've seen Joey Diaz do a set that Bill Hicks couldn't hope to follow. Couldn't hope to follow. No one could hope to follow. He hits these moments where he says things you can't fucking believe he's saying he's also a human cartoon like just looking at him is hilarious yeah and he's he's free he's free he's free and he's high as fuck he's literally in another dimension like looking at the world

through a dirty windshield yeah i remember he'd come by the store and he's such a sweetheart man like i didn't know that i just know before he started coming around the store you just know him as kind of this entity or whatever but he's like the nicest dude he'll call you he'll text you he'd be like how you doing well he came back when i came back okay okay yeah he came back when i came back in 2014 that's when he returned he was the first to leave he left even before i left he's jersey right no no no he moved to jersey recently but he left uh the store when i before i left in 2007 he had already left might he leave he just felt like though that fucking store was fucked up he's like he didn't like tommy he didn't like the way they were running it he didn't like a lot of things he didn't like fucked up. He didn't like Tommy. He didn't like the way they were running it.

He didn't like a lot of things. He didn't like Pauly. He didn't like a lot of things. Joey Diaz is very sensitive. Joey Diaz will not accept a text message from you. You have to call him. Don't fucking text message me. Call me, cocksucker.

That's kind of nice. You got to call him. He wants to hear you. He wants to hear your voice. He goes, I go, how come you don't like text messages? He goes, I'm insecure. I want to hear your voice. How come you don't like text messages? He goes, I'm insecure. I want to hear your voice. I want to know you love me. You know I love you.

I know you fucking love me, Joe Rogan. I want to hear everybody's voice. I want to hear your voice. I want to talk to you. He wants to talk to you. He's right. He's right. The same thing with being there.

How many people have gotten in weird disagreements with friends on Twitter? you ever seen that where two people are disputing shit on twitter like what are you doing so much can be lost over text everything can be lost it's better to just talk to someone everything is better in person i i think there's very few human beings that i've ever had a disagreement with in uh in in a in an whether it's an email or a text, or they've seen something, they didn't like it on a podcast, and they've tweeted about it. If you're there talking to me, we can have a reasonable conversation. One of the least comprehensive and worst ways to communicate with another human being ever is through some sort of proxy whether it's Twitter

or Instagram or any of these things it's it's the refuge of cowards the way people communicate through these alternative forms of expression they're not good you know they're not good it's a way to snipe at someone without actually having to confront their retort. It's very weak. I don't engage in it. I never – I mean I used to until I figured it out. But I never have – I don't have any Twitter beefs.

I have zero. I don't either. I just kind of let them – whatever they need to say, they need to say. I reach out to people. I've had a few people say shit about me on Twitter and I reach out to them. And I'm like, look, that's not true. Like, you don't. I think sometimes they don't expect you to even reach out.

So they're like, oh, shit. And then they kind of like do a 180. Reach out. I've reached out through text and say, let's have a phone call. And I have a few of those conversations like, I can't right now. And they never do. Because they're cowards. They just don't want to. And even a phone call is not as good as being in front of me.

If you were in front of me and we were talking, you'd realize, like, I'm not a bad person. Like, we're missing communication. We're not syncing up. And you get angry and attribute your own life's failings. And it's usually people that are unhappy with some aspect of their life, whether it's their recognition or whether they're accomplishments or something, they always feel like they deserve more than they've achieved, and then they'll be angry or something.

There's something wrong, there's some underlying thing that leads to a lack of compassionate dialogue with a person that you know. It's like it's unnecessary and it's almost always because someone is insecure or falling short or or they're they have this come up with some way to diminish other people it's really unnecessary yeah it's easy to put people in a box i've always found just like once you kind of talk to them face to face people are people yeah they may have difference of opinions or whatever but like once you're face to face they'll surprise you with the humanity and such and a lot is lost over twitter and text and such

especially face to face with no audience right where you don't have to like perform to other people that are watching it you know like when people can just be human face to face there i think we're in an adolescent stage of communication, and I think the next level of technology is going to elevate discourse. I think that what we're dealing with now through Twitter and through all these other things, we've expanded the way people can contact each other, but we've limited the way you can express yourself and limited the human interaction. you can express yourself and limited the the human interaction so the beautiful thing about it is someone can express themselves like a whistleblower who's working at a chemical plant can express that this plant is dumping toxic shit into the river and it's killing fish and i know you know there's beautiful things about twitter and about social media and about all these different things. You can expose things that are currently happening right now that are bad. The bad thing is it's just a, it's a very limited way of expression, a limited way of communication that it just, it doesn't,

it's not human. You, anybody can write something down in a text, and there's all this room for interpretation of what that actually means or who the person is that's saying that or what's their motivation. Yeah. The unfortunate thing about it is it's a very powerful tool and all that, but it strips away intent, which I always think is a catalyst for disaster. Like, oh, I didn't mean it that way. And then you can't even sort of explain your position until it becomes. Yeah.

We're constantly looking to like call people out, right? That's the thing that's going on right now. People are looking to call people out, constantly call people out. I think there's an atrophy to it though. People are a little tired of it because we've been through this rodeo enough where it's like you can only see the skies falling how many times before you're like is this really a scandal right right and there's also the people that have called people out then you start looking into their life like oh bitch you're crazy

and then we all we all know crazy people and we're all like oh we all know people that blame everyone else but themselves also i'm curious did you hear about the army hammer like i don't know what happened with that i don't know that much either but i've done an amazing job of filtering out bullshit over the last year or so my life i'm very proud of myself so i look at that i'm like i don't even know who that dude is he's an actor i don't know all of the facts and all that but it just to me it seems like it's some weird kink he has some weird wants to eat people like unless he has a freezer with like human body what did he do for what was his role i think he's the winklevoss twins in the social network he played both roles of the brothers. Yeah. He's like a pretty big actor. He's like a movie star. I didn't watch that movie.

Really? No. Armie Hammer? No, he was in Call Me By Your Name. Yeah, I didn't watch that movie. Okay. Yeah, the Facebook movie. I felt like the problem with that Facebook movie is like that's a fucking recreation

of actual conversations. I hate those things. You know, it's like the Jackie Robinson movie. Jackie, go out there and knock it out of the park. You know what I thought? Who fucking said that? Are you sure that guy said that? You're putting words in people's mouths.

I used to have this bit because I saw the movie on a plane, and I was like, that movie was just racism followed by home runs. Jackie Robinson. Yeah, just like, we don't serve apple pie to your kind. And then I was wrong about you. I didn't watch that movie either. Yeah. I don't like recreations. You know, like

these movies like Lone Survivor, the Marky Mark movie. I know Marcus Latreau, the guy who the movie was based on. Oh, was that the Clint Eastwood one? No. No, that was the Sniper movie about

Kyle. Chris Kyle. Yeah. Chris Kyle. Was she like Gladiator? Well, Gladiator's about a time where no one knew anybody that was there. I know, but... I know Marcus Luttrell. Do you understand the difference between that?

You don't know Gladiator? No. Marcus is my friend. I text Marcus Luttrell. I know who he is, and Marky Marker's playing him in a movie. I'm like, this is crazy. I can't even watch it. I have to watch it because Marcus is going to come on the podcast.

I haven't watched that movie. I don't like recreations of real-life stories. They bother me. I like documentaries. I love documentaries. I love documentaries. But there's a thing about recreations where you put words in someone's mouth. Like when they do a Lincoln movie, like the Daniel Day-Lewis Lincoln movie.

I didn't watch that. I'm like, bitch, you don't know if Lincoln said that I watch Vampire Slayer and I go that's Lincoln? I don't know that he slayed vampires Abraham Lincoln Vampire Slayer is the best Lincoln movie ever but you know what I'm saying you think the slaves and did that? what was my point? Army Hammer what the fuck did he do?

I mean I only have a cursory knowledge of it. He wasn't a superhero? No, they were saying he's a cannibal. But he wasn't a superhero in a movie? Army Hammer. He was a man named Uncle and Lone Ranger. Lone Ranger! Lone Ranger's a superhero, bitch.

I know. Is it Man Called Uncle? Yeah. That's a great movie. I like it. Was he the superhero with Johnny Depp? Let me see what he looks like. Army Hammer with Johnny Depp.

Johnny Depp, by the way, is probably the dopest Tonto of all time. That's him? How dope does Johnny Depp look? Let's focus on that. Look at that fucking thing with him with the crow. You know, people got mad at Johnny Depp because he was playing one one of the comanches and the comanches did horrific things they literally roasted their enemies alive chopped their arms and legs off and threw them on on bonfires and people like johnny depp is playing one of the most ruthless and vicious look at that picture

good to go to that one of the center of john Depp with the white face paint. Come on, bro. How dope is that? How come they didn't get a real command sheet to act in this movie? That's exactly what people are mad at. They're mad at that, too. I think it's so, like, there's got to be a happy medium.

Like, I understand that there needs to be progress in Hollywood and such, but I always point to, you know, that rock movie, Skyscraper or whatever. They're like, why didn't they get a real amputee to be an action hero yeah paraplegic right uh i think the rock just had a missing leg in that movie or i thought

he was in a wheelchair no i think he just has like a prosthetic leg the thing is as woke as you want to be what amputee do you know who can move some tickets? Right? You forget the business element of it. They're not just doing this to be woke. It's like there's a business, there's financials involved. If you're forking over all this money, are you going to go with this unknown amputee to star in this movie? Like maybe it's an independent film,

but I mean, these people are trying to recoup their money. They're going to go with the rock and CGI it. You can go the other way, too, with Jumanji, like Jumanji 2. Mm-hmm. Why does an Asian lady get to play Danny DeVito?

That's bullshit. Danny DeVito's an Italian-American. He should be played by another Italian-American, not an Asian lady who's mocking him. It's just so interesting

the way, like, where are these lines? And it's so ambiguous. Like even James Corden, there was that like movie Prom. I think it was on, was it on Netflix or maybe, I don't know where it came out,

but it was called Prom. Nicole Kidman was in it, I believe. And he plays a gay man in Prom. And then he was kind of torn apart on Twitter. Like why the fuck is james corden playing playing a gay man but then but then you'll part by who just like the twitter sphere that's the problem i know but okay but but people feel it's an amplifier people feel like it's very real and it's still like a thing even though it's a minority but the thing is like a lot of gay actors will

play straight and everyone is okay with that that's actually very progressive that when was that ever happened what gay actors playing straight that happens like um gay actors never get to play straight no they do they do now they do like like uh neil patrick hey neil patrick harris got to play um he gets to play straight in that one sitcom but nobody bought it. No, the guy in Suits. What is Suits? Suits was the show on USA. Meghan Markle or whatever was in it as well.

USA. Four people watched that? Meghan Markle? Meghan Markle was in it. The lady who's married to the prince? Yes, yes, yes. She was on that show? The guy from Mindhunter, I believe.

You're going obscure as fuck. But still, we're in a time where back in the day, if you were gay, you couldn't play straight. And now you can. And it's great. Not in a major movie. There's no out straight guy or out gay guys who play a leading man in a major movie. It's the one hiccup in Hollywood.

And like people have said, why doesn't, let's just not even name names. Sure. Why doesn't this guy come out of the closet? And this is the answer because that guy's a leading man in a movie. And you cannot be a leading man in a romantic role if people know you're actually thinking about dick.

Well, in these TV shows, it's allowed. But for some reason when... What TV shows? Maybe one or two weird tv shows that you've heard of and i never have yeah and the neil patrick harris thing but nobody buys that but like everyone tore james corden apart for playing a gay man and in this you say everyone there's 14 people on twitter 14 people had a problem with it because he got an extra like golden globe

nomination for that role and so he's getting extra stuff for it extra stuff yeah i guess they don't want like perceivably by privileged people to play underprivileged people it's such a minuscule perception or such a minuscule portion of the population that's upset at james corden for some movie role it's kind of like when everyone's coming at chapelle for his like latest special and then he wins what did he win like a a Grammy? Yeah, he won the Mark Twain award. Something like that, but there's all these hit pieces on him, and he had the awards to prove for it.

But who are these people? No matter what you do, you're going to have someone that's mad. And if you're doing comedy, especially if you're doing comedy that pushes buttons, you're going to at least have the opportunity for someone to decide that's a target, and to go after you. It's probably a sign that you're doing to at least have the opportunity for someone to decide that's a target and to go after you it's it's it's probably a sign that you're doing good work yeah you know what's like a i

mean i want to try this a bit but like the last frontier of heterosexuality in advertising is like watches watches it's always like like a like a manly man. Really? Yeah. If you look at any watch ad, it's always like, I'm George Clooney for Rolex. It's always like super masculine. You're never going to see like, I'm Jonathan Van Ness for Swatch. Daniel Craig for Omega. Yes.

It's like the last frontier of advertising where they keep it uber masculine well watches are male jewelry it's one of the rare acceptable male jewelry if you're not a rapper you know yeah but but but it's just kind of interesting just on the on the sidelines to see the way advertising is going how they've been very inclusive with everybody, but watches has held the line. Huh. Haven't you noticed that? I didn't notice it at all. I noticed it all the time.

But I like watches. I like watches a lot. I'm a fan of watches. But I'm a fan of mechanical things. One of the things I like about watches is that they're mechanical. Somebody figured out how to make these little like this watch right here this is a omega it's a titanium watch and it's it's got all these little pieces in it and when you move it feel how light that is that is pretty light i thought it'd be heavier

yes that's a new james bond version uh the uh omega titanium watch super light but it's also like there's all these wheels and gears in there and as you move that's what winds the watch like i am fascinated by that kind of that's the watch right there see that's like so masculine masculine as fuck yeah time time no time to die but i'm just a fan of of uh engineering i just i love engineering i love people that create interesting things that are mechanical there's something about that that's because we're in such a tech world that's something that's mechanical is i love like handmade knives i love manual gearboxes in cars i love old muscle cars i love mechanical things i love to feel the the mechanisms working like i love i have a tesla and i love my tesla i love it to death it's probably the best car that i have but there's something that i miss and what i miss is

the i want to i want to feel the gear i want to feel the i. I want to feel the, I push the left pedal down. The clutch engages. I push the gear shift into third gear. I let the clutch out. I push down the gas. There's this interaction with this thing that lets me, I'm engaged. I'm feeling it. There's something about those kind of old cars and mechanical watches.

There's a lot of other things. Those things excite me. Yeah. Tactile. It's like a dance. Yeah, I like cooking over fire. You know what I'm saying? There's things that I still like that are older things.

I like running on dirt. I like those things. I like chopping wood. There's tactile experiences. Yeah. I know those are dying dying i know they're dying the manual gearbox is dying my my car's still a stick i talked about last time i was here the mazda 3 it's a stick shift people are kissing with masks on do you understand what's happening yeah yeah yeah yeah people are making out with two masks on no one mask they're dangerous dangerous. Dangerous people.

But you know what I'm saying? I feel like mask kissing is a step in the wrong direction. We're going to become aliens. We're going to become the grays with the big black eyes, the giant heads. We're not going to kiss at all anymore. No. We're going to do it all through our brains. That'll be a relic of the past.

Yeah, it's going to be like the difference a tesla and a manual 1970 chevelle is gonna be the difference between real fucking and and and people just plugging into some fucking some computer and just letting it all happen inside some virtual reality experience where you don't have to worry about cooties that's what i'm worried about man i'm worried about tactile human experiences and i'm not really worried i'm recognizing that the same way if you wanted to if you wanted to look back on primates and you early primates and go like if you brought a chimp you know into the future and said hey this is what it's going to be like gonna fly in going to fly in planes and you're going to eat off plates. Like, fuck that.

I like swinging from trees and I like throwing my own shit at my enemies. Like, I can't give that up. I'm not giving up throwing shit. I like shitting in my hand and giving it a good toss. Yeah, and I fucking get together with my other chimp buddies and we fuck up

some dude who crossed our imaginary line, and we kill him. You know, there's parts of that that, for sure, life is better today. But I'm not a future human. I'm a current human. And in my current state, there's tactile experiences that I enjoy. I like kissing. I like holding hands. I like shaking a person's tactile experiences that I enjoy. I like kissing. I like holding hands. I like shaking a person's hand when I meet them.

I like drinking whiskey. I like driving cars. I like shifting my own gears. I like opening doors for myself. Whenever there's one of those things where you step towards it and the door opens up, I never use those fucking things. I grab that handle. I open that bitch up.

I like opening doors i like i want to i want to experience things yeah i want to i want to interact with the world i like interacting yeah i think there will always be a place for that no no more well covet has put a wrench into that covet is a it's basically showing us what the future holds in store for us. What the future holds in store for us is the elimination of biological threats. And there's a lot of biological threats that we take for granted, like emotions, hormones, the desire to breed, conquering, the natural primate instincts to dominate environments and to expand our boundaries and our kingdoms all those things are dangerous they're not good but they also create art and romance and

controversy and they they provide people with an enthusiasm and motivation there's all these things about being a human that creates art and makes things like wine. It makes things worth living. Whiskey, cigars. I do miss the kinetic nature of life pre-COVID. You know what I mean? Like bumping into someone, going to something, just serendipitously meeting someone. That doesn't happen anymore, really.

Now everything is just so... It happens in texas i'm two days in so i'm learning but i'm gonna take you around yeah we're gonna be fine yeah yeah the people that don't want it to go back are the people that are most fearful the people that are like my grandmother died i understand i get it yeah it's it's a terrifying tragedy that anybody has to die from a disease. But we have to recognize that we're all going to die. And you can't stop all life because a disease comes along and kills some of us.

We have to recognize what can we do to mitigate the dangers of this disease. Plus, what can we do to mitigate the dangers of dissolving our culture? We haven't done that. Instead, we've only concentrated on mitigating the dangers of spreading something. So stay home. Wear three masks. Touch no one. Wear gloves while you're driving.

Like, fuck, man. This is not life. This is not life. And most of these people that are three-mask people, they don't know goddamn anything about vitamins and quercetin and saunas and all the different methods that you can use to stimulate your immune system. It's like we don't want people to be able to take their own chances and make their own risks, and the more liberal you are and the more left-wing you are, the more likely you are to appeal to authoritarianism.

And this is one of the most discouraging aspects of our culture in 2021, is that all these people that are supposed to be left-wing people. When I was a kid, I've always been left-wing. I've always been... My family's like... My stepdad's a hippie he was a hippie my mom

they were they were very like open-minded left-wing people there i that it was all about free expression it was all about letting people be who they are and and living whatever life you wanted to be and and accepting people for who they are this is not what's happening now. This is all this fear-based, weird appeal to authoritarianism. There's too much disinformation on the internet. We have to have a czar of truth. There's people calling for a czar of truth. Do you know this?

No. This is the new thing. They're asking the government to create a czar of truth. The fucking government to decide what's real and what's not to just to dispel disinformation so you can pull this up czar of truth this is something that cnn has talked about a lot of these like fucking weirdo networks have talked about like do you do you understand

these fucking people understand what happens when you start censoring people we start saying things like we need the government to step in the government's never good at anything they've never been good at anything not one fucking thing even during this whole this whole like covid crisis like businesses are suffering they're just if your business you're fucked but especially in la dude 75 of all la restaurants are gone yeah there's no contingency plan in place and then also they're like stay home but then how do you make money? Yeah, exactly. So you can't have it both ways.

You have to have like a safety net in place. The people that are making these distinctions and making these decisions, they don't lose a paycheck. That's the problem. All these mayors and governors and health board advisors, they don't miss a fucking paycheck. They can shut down everything, and they do it for optics well yeah they're i think there's a way to be smart about this obviously this is a real thing and it does affect people but yeah but listen man you got through it i got through it yeah sure but like i'm i'm younger and i know there are cases where where people are hit really hard by this

but i think sometimes there's bureaucracy attached to it where you're not even using logic. Like the Comedy Store, you know, they were allowed before this, like, look, it's in purple tier right now, whatever it is. Purple tier? Yeah, yeah. Outdoor dining is allowed now in Los Angeles.

But when I made the decision to come out here, everything was clamped down. But before it was clamped down, they did have outdoor dining and all that. when I made the decision to come out here, everything was clamped down. But before it was clamped down, they did have outdoor dining and all that. And the Comedy Store was allowed to have outside seating in the parking lot, you know, where we park before we do our sets? So there was tables, there was chairs,

and they could watch TV. They could watch a football game. They could watch the Comedy Store documentary. They were able to be congregated in that parking lot. But they weren't allowed to, if you put a comedian doing jokes outdoor, that was suddenly against the rules. But like nothing has changed other than instead of a TV that their focus is on, they are watching a comedian.

But for some reason, the city deemed that not allowable because the city is filled the city government is filled with people so fucking stupid they want to be a part of the city government that's the problem yes it just makes like on the ground floor in your mouth all right thank you it makes it makes no sense just to anyone it doesn't have to make sense and it was frustrating because before the shutdown when everything was like super locked down, I was doing a lot of

outdoor shows in LA. And I was doing all these alt shows just like in backyards and on the top of hotels and stuff. But the comedy store wasn't allowed to do shows

because it was called the comedy store. There was too much attention on it. Is that what it is? Yeah. I think it's just a bunch of fools. That it is yeah i think it's just a bunch of fools that's all it is it's just a bunch of fools working in government it doesn't have to make any

sense they just have to keep their jobs and they have to give off they have to give off the perception that they're doing something that that is helping and it's not true it's not real the beautiful thing about this state is that the governor, Governor Abbott, he wrecked... Is it dead? Did I kill it? You killed it, you son of a bitch. I killed it. Fuck.

I got a lot of juice. Don't worry about it. I didn't bring it, though. Tell me I am. But I was doing all these shows around L.A., but I couldn't perform at the comedy store. They would perform in front of the glass in the O.R., you know? You know that glass that overlooks the sunset?

Yeah. Yeah. You ever see the movie Midnight Express? Who's in that again? I forget. But it's an old movie about a guy who gets busted

smuggling drugs in a foreign country and his girlfriend, it's the scene where a girlfriend comes to see him and she lifts up her tits, shows him her tits so he's jerking off

through the glass. That's what comedy in the glass yeah same thing i have an idea he's just sad i think like uh movies nowadays that have sex scenes get rid of it we don't need that that was of the 90s when you didn't want to go through the beaded curtain and it was too embarrassing to go through the curtain like porn hub exists now you mean the curtain of like video stores yeah like if you wanted to see porn or whatever you had to go i walked those things like a cowboy i kicked those fucking things open so any movie nowadays with like graphic sex scenes or kind of silhouettes what are you doing it's 2021 i don't need to see this yeah but if you want to make a moment where the

the two characters male and female characters or male and male characters or female and female characters I'm trying to be inclusive I get it but just make it small you don't need to make a meal out of it just show it why don't you show them fucking

but back in the day you would look basic instinct or like the movie species and people would rent that because that was like a way to get off without going through the beaded curtain. Who do you hang out with? I was a child. I was a child. Species.

No, there was like a sleepover. I met that gal. Who's that gal on Species? You did? Yeah, she was on Fear Factor. Natasha Hendrick. Dude. She's beautiful.

I had a crush on her when I was a kid. Yeah, she was on Fear Factor once. I had a crush on the chick who was in Hot Shot Part Deux as well that Charlie Sheen movie it was like a take on yeah because there was Airplane gave birth

to the Leslie Nielsen movies was it Naked Gun yeah Naked Gun and then I think Hot hot shots was like the last of those type of movies they did yeah let me see what that lady looks like yeah i don't remember her oh i remember her okay oh she was beautiful. Wasn't she from Italy? Yeah, something like that. Or like France.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, there she is. Charlie Sheen. You know, I was watching it the other day and... Dude, have you seen Charlie Sheen lately? No. But Charlie Sheen and John Cryer are in that movie. And then they end up being on Two and a Half Men.

I go, oh, fuck, I didn't know they were in this before that. Do you think John Cryer wishes he was Charlie Sheen And Charlie Sheen wishes he was John Cryer I think Charlie Sheen is happy with his life right No I don't think so Have you seen Charlie Sheen lately No

But that's just time right Show a cameo No it's drugs Yeah There's a lot of people that have gone through time and they're fine Yo he was in a Tiger's before Tiger King That's true Tiger Blood

Yeah Hashtag Tiger Blood. Yeah. Hashtag Tiger Blood. Hashtag Tiger Blood. Hashtag winning. He was the first really promotable hashtag. Yeah. See if he could find his cameo, because it's bizarre. I'm on there.

They were hitting me up for the longest time to be like, yo, join cameo. And for me, I'm always so grateful anyone cares enough to like care about me at all just you know having not been famous for the longest time if anyone cares about me i just like cherish it so it felt dirty for me to charge for like a hey happy birthday or whatever i could never bring myself to be on the platform but then i realized some of these fans might actually want that and just because i feel this way doesn't mean that i have to diminish how they feel about it you could just give the money to charity that's what i did yeah so now i just give the money to charity calin does that too yeah let me see louise charlie let me see let me hear it come on it looks great

and and yes we did just that. Tune in. You're going to love it. Right on. Hey, everybody. Charlie Sheen here. I just did a great podcast with KDD Media called Knocking Doors Down. And yes, we did just that.

Tune in. You're going to love it. Right on. Go to the other one. You're going to check it out. That's the one. This is the one. Play this one. Good people of Planet Cameo. It's the other one. You're going to check it out? That's the one. This is the one. Play this one.

Greetings, good people of Planet Cameo. It's the Sheen. I'm back. Let's make a deal. Let's make a deal. I will stay back. Not like stay back. No, I will remain here.

I will remain here. I will remain available. If you can all agree that all the tiger blood and winning and we can just kind of leave that where it belongs in the past. These are very difficult, unprecedented, and trying times that we're all finding our way through. So if a message from me can brighten the day of yourself or a loved one or even someone you don't really care about, then I'm honored to offer that. So, greetings. It's bringing honored to offer that. So, greetings. It's bringing happiness to the fans. I get it.

Yeah. But I don't want to benefit. You don't want to do coke for so long. Before it catches up. Yeah, it fucking blows your wires out. I've never done. Me neither. Yeah.

Me neither. Yeah. I hear it's big out here. I hear it's big. Yeah. I hear people are failing COVID tests because they're doing coke. What's going on? This is his setup to make his videos.

He's got like a post-it to try not to swear. That's high tech. It says... Mark Private. Mark Private, try not to swear. Oh. Why is he doing that? You know what I found?

I think Cameo suits like super characters. If you're a regular, like I've heard Susie Essman from Curb makes a killing on there because she just curses people out. Susie Essman is hilarious. Yeah. She was a great comic. You ever see her do stand-up? I only know her from Curb.

I don't know her as a stand-up. I worked with her once in Brooklyn in like the fucking early 90s. It was funny. I remember seeing her on television and she was like one of the first people i middled for then like i i had seen on tv and i work i work with her i forget what the club was she was great who is the first big person you work with lenny clark oh yeah yeah lenny clark who had just come off of hbo he'd been on uh and it was the second time i ever got paid to do stand-up Lenny Clark. Oh, yeah? Yeah, Lenny Clark, who had just come off of HBO. He'd been on, and it was the second time I ever got paid to do stand-up.

I opened up for Lenny. How'd that happen? Fucking crazy. There was a guy named Norm LeFoe, and Norm used to book gigs in, like, mostly western Massachusetts. Norm gave me a lot of my early gigs. He gave me my first gig ever with Warren McDonald. The first guy I ever opened up for was Warren McDonald. The first guy I ever opened up for was Warren McDonald. The second guy I ever opened up with was Lenny Clark,

and I'm still good friends with Lenny and his brother Mike to this day. And Mike Clark, his brother, that guy paid my rent so many fucking times when I lived in Boston. He gave me so many gigs. I will be indebted to that man to the day I die. But his brother Lenny was like a legit like legend in boston like everybody loved him lenny clark was one of the original guys from the dingho comedy club which is like the original comedy club in boston that barry crimmon started and it was lenny clark and kenny rogerson and steve Sweeney and all these fucking murderers. The best comics that ever came out of Boston.

Don Gavin, the best guys. They all came out of this one fucking Chinese restaurant that they did stand-up out of. And when I came on the scene in 1988, Lenny was a legend. And he had just started going out to Hollywood and he had done the HBO Young Comedian special with Sam Kinison and Roddy Dangerfield.

And I opened up for him at this place, Jay's in Pittsfield, Massachusetts. And Jay's was like this place that was the best road gig. You'd have to drive two hours to get there, but it was the best road gig that you could get. You got Jay's? Oh, you got Jay's. oh you got jay's that's a good spot that's a good spot i remember uh going out there and opening up for him and just being like i can't even believe i'm on the same stage as lenny kark and afterwards he's like kid you're fucking hilarious with this like like crazy boston accent how good does that feel though oh my god it was. I guess a young comic just, um,

cause it's so uncertain and you're so unsure to have somebody on the other side of the shore to kind of, because they've been through it, they've seen everything. They have all these data points that you're not privy to. Yeah. It was amazing. To give you that reassurance is.

It was amazing. Yeah. It's amazing. Like Bobby was kind of like that for me. Bobby Lee? Yeah, because he was one of the first guys at the store to take me on the road with him. So I would tour. I would open for him.

And I had just left Boeing. I was working at Boeing Aerospace. So that's like a legit job. Engineering. It's like a career. It's not just the job you're leaving yeah and part of you is like thinking about getting a mortgage and a lease maybe or like oh fuck living in brentwood maybe well no not it's not like that much money but eventually

nah you know the thing i've noticed about engineering especially if i think the people who excel at it love it i think it's true any industry. Anyone who excels loves what they do because they're studying that stuff even after they punch out. But I was just doing engineering as a means to an end. It was just sort of to get me out to LA and I could do stand-up at night. I didn't dream of being like a lead at Boeing

and being a manager or something. And this thing happens where you have a pretty good salary engineering, right and this thing happens where you have a pretty good salary engineering but then this thing happens called salary compression where you work there long enough and then new hires start getting paid more than you just with inflation and everything unless you become a lead and claim the ladder climb the ladder so whatever is resentment like comics who don't like the store i get if you like care about that shit, but I was just using it until I could do standup and all this entertainment

stuff. But Bobby, so I had left Boeing and I was just doing standup full time and all that. And then Bobby had me feature for him on the road for a bit. And I had some things and then they kind of, they run its course and then you're just floating in space. And then you like did i make a bad decision and but we would go you know you have dinner after the show and stuff or we go to swingers and i used to love that place that's what's so sad about the pandemic as well it's like swingers closing cafe one one's closing all

these institutions that that are embedded in who you were are gone and that's the standards gone yeah but i would i would be second guessing myself and and he'd be like you're good you're sam triple e2 i remember i would be having these sets at the store and he'd be like like you're special like you're even money dude sam's a soldier he's a soldier and he doesn't need to do this stuff like he's like you take swings you don't take victory laps like you're actually you're using this this place for what it's meant to be i love what you're doing just keep doing what you're doing it'll happen but when you're a younger comic and stuff it's just it seems so fantastical you can't it's all doubt but then you have these guys

who are on the other end of it who say something to you that like inspires you and and they're where you want to be and then you you you take it in a little bit you go yeah okay it's hard for me to see this but i guess so and that meant a lot to me like bobby saying those things or like or triply saying those things or Tripoli saying those things lets you know you're on the right path. I'll never forget people saying those things to me. I'll never forget Lenny saying it. You know who was the first one to ever really juice me up?

Marc Maron. Wow. It's kind of funny. He doesn't juice anyone up. Well, he and I have had some weird moments in the past because I think more perception than anything it's like just we're very different kind of human beings yeah very different styles of human beings but when i was an open micer mark pulled me aside and he said and i i and i told

him he and i had like a dispute at one point in time. And I said, I gave you so much slack for so long. I was nice to you for so long because you were so nice to me when I started out. But you're such a cunt. And he's like, you're right. I'm sorry. And like we had this like moment where he apologized. And I said, look, I root for you. I really do.

When I was an open mic-er, I was like not even a year in. I had a set. And I came off stage, and Mark goes, listen, man, you're doing something really cool. He goes, just keep doing what you're doing. Don't listen to anybody. He goes, just keep being yourself. And I was 21. It was raw.

Didn't know what the fuck I was doing. And Mark Maron was a professional. And he was also from Mecca. He was from the store. I knew he was from the store. Mark Maron had cut his teeth with Sam Kinison at the goddamn comedy store. And one of the most amazing

podcasts that I ever had was Mark talking about him being at the store with Kinison and doing so much coke that he heard voices for a year. For a year! For a year! Dude dude he heard voices in his head for a year and mark bravely struggled through all that shit and regained sanity and kept his sobriety through that entire time and a lot of people have like these weird complicated relationships with mark but the reason is is like like people are complicated man you just talk to him in person

like the conversation that i've had talking to him no microphone just in person they're they're they're okay they're fine you don't have noticed though as well as success tempers people yeah i think mary feels better he feels better like like his podcast took off. Yeah. He had Obama on his fucking podcast. He had Obama. Yeah, it's huge. And then you kind of need that anchor. Like even Tony, who I love, he's great. But I remember Tony before he got success.

It was a different Tony. Yeah, it was angry Tony. Yeah, it was a little. But I understand it for what it is. Sure. When you're a young comic, everything is so uncertain. I know what it's rooted in. Yeah.

And once you know that things are going to be okay or whatever, then you get to see the person for who they are. And he's the most lovely person now. Yeah. I saw him at Anton's the other night when I first came in. I love him to death. Yeah. I love him to death.

And people that don't understand him, I love him to death. I love him to death. And people that don't understand him, he's, first of all, one of the best roasters that has ever lived. That has ever walked on a surface. He might be the best.

He might be the best. I think he's like Jeff Ross 2.0. I think he's one of the better roasters. On Monday night, last Monday, I was the guest of Kill Tony. And Tony Hinchcliffe fucking murdered i mean murdered i mean i mean he hit me he hit the whole audience with these fucking one-liners that were so crisp and so it was almost like he had formulated them in advance but he didn't they were off the cuff

and i was crying i was crying and then afterwards we had a conversation he's like it felt so good i go dude you killed me and he goes it was so funny watching you laugh i go dude it's like sometimes i forget i forget how good you are that's his environment he's a great comic for sure he can do both he's a great comic but he's the best roaster that's ever lived i really believe that he's a fucking savage it's such a different thing i i don't have that i don't i don't like that i'm not good at roasting i'm like too nice i'm too really mean you're mean i don't like to open that door i don't like to let the wolf out of the cage i don't want i don't want to be mean i don't my brain my brain doesn't think that way i'm more constructive i'm

trying to help the comic i don't try to tear them like i know it's it's meant to be like it's it's why everyone's there yeah but i'm not great at just like roasting someone i just don't want to do it i don't want to do it either i don't want to make anybody feel bad yeah like i've been like invited to do that i'm like i don't want to hurt your feelings i don't i want you to i don't want you to be mean at me too it's one thing about jokes but i've been at roast battle before and i've watched some of those fucking things and i i watched this one where this guy shit on this girl's looks and the feeling i could see her face where she was thinking about her next joke but also like watching a piece of her soul burn off forever and never return because the whole audience was laughing about

her appearance i'm like i don't want to be a part of that but i'll watch yeah look i get there's an appetite for that there's a place for that it's i love watching as a spectator but also as a comedian um i do think there is a pitfall though with younger comedians because it is a shortcut of sorts to to be seen quicker than kind of working on your craft of stand-up but it's part of the craft because it's joke writing it is the problem is here's the problem comics lack discipline and structure and it's one of the reasons why your father probably looked at you doing stand-up as like what are you doing? Yeah, yeah. You should have a job.

Yeah. Oh, you got a writing job. Now I'm happy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When comics know that they're going to do roast battle in two weeks, they will fucking prepare. But when they have a show in two weeks, they don't prepare. That's a good point. That's what it is.

It's that. And then also, it's like getting really good at penalty kicks and not not being a soccer player dude that's brilliant that's brilliant you know what i mean like you can kill it at roast battle and you know jeff ross is there and there's clips and stuff and you can kind of get on very quickly and that's fantastic but but don't don't not water the plant of stand-up. Well, use the same dedication and discipline and focus that you use to be good at that particular roast battle and apply it to your actual act. I don't want to mention any names,

but I know people that are really good comics. They could be good, but they're fucking lazy. They're lazy and they like taking naps. I think that's kind of what's great about the way that i entered stand-up comedy coming from discipline discipline just immigrant background and then engineering as well yes i didn't treat it i think in the 80s you can get away or in the 70s you can get away even more the 80s just like being a pothead and whatever and roll out of bed and there was this like rock and roll attitude to stand up but it's so saturated nowadays

you have to be as disciplined as if it was you're working at Goldman Sachs or something or you're a fighter or you're a fighter whatever you just like hours are hours you can only be as good as the amount of

focus and energy and effort that you put into being good. You want the universe to just give you this thing. But it's like a lottery ticket. You ever see what happens to people that win the lottery? They lose all their money. Yeah. But the people that actually fucking grind and grind, they don't lose that money. They keep that money because they understand it and they appreciate it the same thing with love if you just like are beautiful one of the

saddest things is watching beautiful men like a really handsome perfectly chiseled man try to find love because they like at a certain point in time they they realize that like they have something they don't deserve they have a willy wonka golden ticket where everybody loves them based on their facial structure or based on their height or based on their frame their anatomy and it's sad it's sad because you didn't you didn't earn that appreciation you didn't earn it i always think about that even like i don't have that but like stand i always think about stand-up how you're able to like punch outside your weight class yeah with me with girls yeah yeah like some of this some

of the gets i've been able to get girls i wouldn't i would not be able to have it as an engineer i like you say the gets. The gets. Sometimes you're like, this is crazy. As long as you understand and appreciate it, there is a balance. Because the thing that you have that those other guys don't have is you are funny. Girls like to laugh. Girls like to be protected. They like to be like, I mean,... Obviously, I'm generalizing, right?

There's girls who don't give a fuck about funny people. There's girls who want to take care of themselves. There's a lot of women that don't want to have anything to do with powerful men. They want a bitch-ass man they can control. That's fun for them. There's a lot of beautiful women that have these fucking wimpy guys with pencil necks, and they just keep them around because they like someone they they can control like a bomb yeah I mean this is like people have like different styles of living but there's there's a cost to every every gift that you've given like how many

really beautiful women that you know that are funny there's very few it's tough it's one of the things that i really really really respect about whitney is that she's beautiful but she's also really fucking funny and she doesn't ever rely on her beauty you know and there's a few women like that that just like they recognize there's a pitfall in being beautiful and instead of like leaning on it they they lean on their work and their art and their their mind you know and that's that's uh that shows that you understand you know and we're all imperfect in in every way shape and form all of us there's no perfect human that's ever lived but the things that you like like people have stereotypes right one of the things that you, like, people have stereotypes, right?

One of the things, stereotypes about beautiful women is that they're bimbos or they're dumb, right? And that's got to be horrible if you're a brilliant, beautiful woman. It's got to suck. But everybody knows you've got a free ride. You've got a free ride because everybody loves you, no matter what. If you want to. Yeah, right. If you want that free ride it's there because

you have perfect structure and our dna calls out to that perfect structure our dna wants that perfect structure because we want to breed with perfect structure but then you have someone who has a beautiful mind you know not like the russell crowe movie but beautiful minds are uh they're different like there Like there's, there's people that say things that you just like, ah, that's what I love about standup and the store. It's,

uh, I mean, I guess everywhere, but the store is just such a concentrated example of this where you don't see the physical being of the person or age isn't a thing or can you kill can you kill it's almost the most um you know how we talk about inclusivity and all that stuff there is no more of that than at a comedy club because the bottom line is can you kill and do you have a space brain and i'm fascinated by the way you think like the fact that that I could be friends with Joey Diaz,

or I would never encounter him in the real, you know what I mean? You'd have to find him in a zoo. I'd have to find him in a zoo. But the fact that we're all at this club and we're performing, you just fall in love with people's brains. Yeah.

And there's like a romance to that. It's a real meritocracy. I had this conversation with Ali Wong once. She was like really wanting to know what I thought. She goes, you think Santa is a real meritocracy? I'm like, it's the purest meritocracy in art. Like, you're either funny or you're not. Like, you know, and Allie's a fucking murderer.

I knew her before she blew up. It was great. Like, she lived in like Pico and Robertson or something. I was living in K-Town. And we became friends, and we would chat and stuff. And I remember one time, I think we had lunch, and then we just played Dance Dance Revolution. You guys played dance?

Where? She got it on PlayStation. Oh. So we had lunch or whatever. She had the little ground pad? Oh, no. It was called Just Dance or something. So we were lunch or whatever. She had the little ground pad? Or no, it was called Just Dance or something. So we were just playing that.

And then she was talking about waiting to do a special and stuff. I think someone offered her a half. And then she was waiting to do an hour. She's like, I gotta get pregnant first. I mean, I don't think it was that calculated. But it's very cool to see these people before they pop. Like I knew Theo before he popped. I knew Santino before he popped.

Like us on Minhaj. Like he was in a sketch group with me. So like we were doing sketches around LA before he popped. What do you think about the controversy with him? What's the controversy? Is it the workplace thing? Yeah. Or what?

I think it might be bringing some people over i don't know if he was privy to it because there's showrunners and stuff he's just concentrating on doing the show but that show was a good show right i liked it it was like a john oliver yeah yeah yeah but there was there's also wasn't there an episode that he did about saudi arabia yeah they banned it. Yeah. Yeah, they banned that show. That was crazy. Did you ever see The Dissident?

No. Brian Fogle was on the podcast, and he's the guy who made The Dissident, the documentary. And he also made Icarus. Icarus. I love Icarus. Icarus is amazing. That's so fascinating. Icarus is amazing. And The Dissident's amazing, too. icarus icarus i love icarus that's so fascinating icarus is amazing and uh the dissonance amazing too and it's about the the killing of jamal khashoggi you know and it's the criticism of

saudi arabia and when i saw that uh asan's show was pulled because of the the criticism of Saudi Arabia, I'm like, what? Netflix? You know, it made me, it made me think like, man, like, I don't know if that's the place. I don't know if that's the place anymore because like,

I feel like there's too much corporate involvement. There's too much influence on, on content. Anytime anything gets big enough. Right. You're going to, you're going to get shit like that.

There's going to be strings attached you know yeah that's the criticism of me being on Spotify yeah how's that been how's the move been they don't give a fuck man they haven't given me a hard time at all there's a few episodes they didn't want on their platform that I was like okay I don't care

but other than that in terms of what I do in the future the big test was having alex jones on yeah let's see how this relationship really goes a lot of people are like you know they're telling joe rogan what he can do what he can't do i'm like they're not they're not and let's let's show you alex jones and tim dillon was like one of my favorite podcasts i've ever done i love tim i love him to death. Is he coming to here?

Yeah, he's moving here March 1st. Whitney hit me up. I think she's doing my show. She's coming. She's doing my show. That bitch is coming. She's coming. I want Annie to come out here.

Annie Letterman is another one that I love her mind, man. She's so funny. She's so funny. She said about the Chinese anal probe. Have you seen the anal probe they're doing at airports now for COVID? No. She's like, that's the only probe you want them to keep going you know you sure you found it keep going keep going keep looking i don't know if you found that long haul covid one thing i will say

about spotify layout though like as a fan you know i want to tune into the pod sometimes i find it hard to to watch on my tv yeah so that sucks you're working on that yeah they're gonna it's eventually gonna be on all platforms in terms of like television based platforms well right now it's on chromecast and it's gonna be on it's on google play and they're working on roku and apple tv they're working on Roku and Apple TV. They're working on a bunch of different platforms that it'll eventually be. But it's not as smooth as it probably should have been when we first transferred over in December. But they just weren't ready for the volume.

They had never had a show. First of all, they created video because of the conversation we had about this podcast. They wanted the podcast to be audio only. And my manager was like, think about the Elon Musk moment when Elon Musk is smoking weed. It's huge. That is a viral moment that only happens with video.

Where Elon's like, it's legal, right? I'm like, yeah, it's totally legal. I saw the painting. Yeah. And then I remember I was at the airport and I had sunglasses and a hat and I'm on my way to Vegas and I'm like looking at this CNN monitor and it shows Elon smoking weed on my podcast.

And I'm like, oh no. What a trip. I was like, what have I done? But those moments, those crazy viral moments, they don't exist without video. And my manager said that to Spotify. Spotify was like, you're right. And then they started working on the video platform. And then there's been a lot of weirdness.

We're talking about how people get a sense of who a person is without actually communicating with them without being there with them and you could define someone or you know have this like um distorted perception of who a person is without actually communicating with them that's one of the things that happened with spotify with like some of their staff where they thought i was transphobic or thought i was a a bad i saw one of their staff say that i was a shock jack shock jock like that i'm not even remotely yeah you're just a dude with a mic yeah i always tell people because sometimes i know he's a comic and stuff so i see you more as a comic than anything and you didn't intend on this becoming as big as it's become. It's just organically grown.

And people tune in because they want to tune in. You're not being force-fed down people's throat. They're choosing to listen to you. Yeah, but I've actually, on purpose, never advertised for this show. I've never asked people to watch it. I've never gone on television shows and promoted it i've never taken out any billboards or ads spotify did some of that stuff when i switched over to them but i never did any of it so i always think it's so odd when people hold you to the same

standards it's like cnbc or these entities where you're just like a guy with a mic you know what i mean but they don't like it because it gets much more of an audience than them that's what freaks them out when you have these huge multinational corporations that have thousands of employees and they can't even touch the amount of reach that a guy with a podcast has yeah that's madness for them i've seen clips of your like first episode or whatever or pictures it's like absurd It's absurd. It's absurd. It's been an organic thing. You can see how it grows. But it's also a lesson to all these other comics, too.

Like, what's the difference? Well, the difference, I grind. I just keep going. It's the same thing that got you good at comedy. What got you good at comedy? Stage time. What gets you good at podcast? Podcast time.

You don't have to notice. Just keep doing doing it even just doing my podcast because especially during the pandemic what's it called dance time fahiman or dance hour dance hour fahiman or dance hour just uh when the pandemic hit you lean into what is available to you so stand up wasn't really there so i doubled down on the podcast i got like a nicer space to film it in like a nice studio and and i've been doing it for two years now and obviously i'm better at it now than i was first three months or whatever it's a skill it's a skill and time is time and anything that you do and i've just found it's helped with my stand-up even uh because talking is talking and even though talking is talking.

And even though this is conversational, it just wires your brain and you have certain pathways where you are comfortable formulating thought. And it's conducive to podcasting and then also stand-up. Yeah. Well, the best example of that is Bill Burr. Yes, with his Monday morning podcast. Because he's fucking ranting just him at a microphone. Yeah. And he's so prolific with his stand-up because he's developed that muscle of creation.

And also, I'm kind of an introvert. Like, I don't really talk a lot. Just like, if I'm at a party or something, I'm not like life of the party or anything. It's kind of laying the cut. So having a weekly podcast where I have to expunge at length for an hour or two hours, whatever it may be, it forces you. You have no guests? Uh,

sometimes I do. Like I had Joe list on, um, I love Joe list. I love Joe list too. Yeah. Yeah. It's hilarious.

So I'm going to, I'm going to use my network. I've been doing standup for, so I want to like get Bobby on eventually and just whoever wants to do it to like get some guests. But I also like not having it be like get some guests but i also like not having it be so guest dependent where the people just like me and my co-host yeah and yeah yeah so just like i've just found that podcasting has lent itself to uh elevating my stand-up even

for sure it not just elevated my stand-up but but it elevated the way I think about things. It elevated my ability to communicate with people. I'm way better at talking to people now. I'm critical about my ability to talk to people. If I have a conversation that's clunky, and this is so weird, like just a dinner conversation, I say something clunky, it bothers me. I wake up in the middle of the night, take a leak, or it bothers me like I wake up in the middle and I take a leak and it bothers me I'm fucking I'm like if people think I'm like cocky

I'm the most hypercritical person that I know I fucking hate everything I do Yeah, I have to accept that everything I like when I release a special I don't ever watch them I edit them and then I never watch them again. I just release it. I don't want to watch myself. I hate myself. I'm the same way, dude. In that way. Yeah. Like sometimes trolls will like write some shit or whatever.

I think what trolls don't understand is I don't love everything I do. Yeah, of course. You're probably right. Yeah, for sure. There's no other way to get good. You have to be hypercritical. Yeah. But the thing about being an artist or whatever is you have to put yourself out there. good or bad you have to put yourself out there yeah and if you get that you get that

some people like it some people don't but i took the swing and there it is and but i don't love everything that i've done thing is they didn't take the swing the trolls didn't take the swing and one of the things that they have the ability to do is they have the ability to criticize you and criticize everyone without looking at themselves and that's why they focus so much time on criticizing other people yeah i've almost found though that i don't get mad at that i understand it for what it is but also i think that troll forum or whatever like that's their comedy store that's that's their outlet yeah for sure yeah and i get it well that's why I think comments are important. I used to think that comments are like, like I had a friend reach out when I said that

I want to figure out a way for Spotify to put comments on the episodes. And they were like, don't fucking do that. This friend reached out and he was like, that is the worst part of YouTube is the comments. I'm like, I don't know if that's right. I mean, it's sometimes the worst part of the comments. But also sometimes it gives people the ability.

And I can't read them. And one of the reasons why I can't read them is I don't have the time. I don't have the time to engage with all these different ideas and opinions. And I think that if I was being disingenuous with my criticism of myself, I probably could use comments to keep me in line but i'm fucking ruthless with myself like i'm good and i don't want to hurt my feelings i'm the same way uh i kind of create i put it out there and i don't need to go it i always like in going into the comment section it's like lord of the rings you put a battle helmet on fight the orcs yeah

you fight orcs yeah it's just not emotional as an artist there's no good there's no good in going into the comments it's not healthy so it's not healthy to hear the good stuff either yeah praising you like but i understand the value and that it's community-based and yeah that's great that they have a forum to do that there's a value in that that's where youtube shines i don't have to be privy to that. I can just create, blast it out, and just worry about me. That's where YouTube shines over all other forums is that they have that comment section. I think that Spotify needs to recognize that.

I've tried to talk to them about that. And there's been some discussion about putting comments. But one of the things they said was like, if we put comments on your podcast, we have to put comments on everybody's podcast yeah so um but i go why why just put them on mine i don't give a fuck just put them on mine it's like these people that are commenting even if they have criticism they're fucking listening man yeah like sometimes they hate me and sometimes they love me but that's they're entitled to it but that's just like me i don't like me all the time yeah i have this thought i go sometimes like when somebody writes something shitty i want to be like you think you can top what's in my brain yeah it's impossible you think

you're a better troll in my brain you're not there when i wake up at five in the morning angry at myself when i go to the gym you have no idea yeah the biggest trolls in my head. Good luck. Yeah Fucking monsters in my head. Good luck Can't yeah, you can't top it. It's a weird art form man And the one of the things that's so critical about a place like the Comedy Store and one of the things that I would need to Recreate out here in LA is a place where we all feel safe. We're all surrounded by like-minded artists. And we need an artist colony out here. And we don't need Hollywood.

And that's one of the... Look, I had a lot of crazy ideas coming out here. And sometimes I think... Sometimes I think I'm guided by this weird instinct that knows what I would want someone to do if i wasn't me like if i wasn't me and there was this dude who got this crazy deal where he got all this money and he had all this influence because he had this pocket what i want what would i want him to do i'd want him to make a utopia for the art form make Make some place where I'm like, listen, get wild.

Let's create. Let's do it. I want to support you. I want to elevate all these artists. I want to let you know you're okay. I want to let you know there's a place that you can come. You can experiment. You can express yourself.

You can work on your act. And then when your act gets good and you want to show it to the world, I want to help you show it to the world. And I want more people to try. I want more open micers i want more beginners i want more people who are thinking i don't like this accounting job i want to be a comic i want you to try i want them all to try now what's like mitzi shore outside of comedians she's the most important figure in the history of stand-up comedy i agree um because in the i need to bring it to la or to austin but in my la studio there's a paint you

saw that painting there's a painting of mitzi that's on my fucking wall in the studio that's going to come out here i'm going to bring that out here it needs to be here i need i need that spirit because i want that here i want and it's it's never been done as a comic but i think i've got a rare and unusual opportunity to do it to help this is a weird art form man and the art form has taken a big hit during this pandemic it's taken a big hit because you know there's during woke culture there's a lot of challenges but i think those challenges are ultimately ultimately going to lead to stronger comedy better comedy guys like tim dillon guys like andrew schultz guys who are just bucking the system during covid during the pandemic during the woke culture and getting buck wild and i feel

an extraordinary responsibility and i i have have like a drive to it. It's hard to explain. I need to explain it to my wife or explain it to my manager, to anybody. I'm like, I have a responsibility. Outside of doing this podcast, I have this responsibility to this art form because I think I have the ability to do something

that it's unusual. And I think I got to do it. And I think I i gotta create a real colony out here a colony that's independent of hollywood but also supportive like that like i want to let everybody know like you're a fucking good comic or a good person you you want to just figure it out and i want to elevate you i want to i want to boost your signal i want to get it out there i really do it's just it's very very very important to me it is i want to help all kinds of people authors and musicians and all these interesting people that have all these interesting ideas but i want to

help the art form i really do i want to help it the way mitzi helped me yeah even when you're texting me about you know your plans and all that, it's very different than a regular person would do it. It was kind of very selfless. And that took me aback where I'm like, wow, this is rare. Because it's very artist-friendly, what you're trying to do. I feel like I have an overwhelming abundance of things that have happened that are good to me.

To me, it's almost not fair. i get why anybody would be mad at me i've got my life is too lucky i've had so many great career i have three great careers going at the same time right i have like the ufc i have stand-up comedy and i have the number one podcast in the world it doesn't make any sense yeah why does anybody have all this stuff it doesn't make any sense yeah why does anybody have all this stuff it doesn't make any sense but i feel like that you know and i i feel i feel like i have a responsibility like i could either just like hide or run away from all this like this is too much i'm gonna go to the woods no i like living on a mountain just like corralling it and i'm gonna corral it for you and for all of us i want to help everybody i really do i do. Because I think we could do something really unique. I think we could change it.

I think we could change it all. I think we can help. I have a thought on this. Can I pee real quick? Yeah, go pee, bro. Where's the bathroom? Go out that door. Go past the kitchen and to the left-hand side.

What's up, Jamie? That could be really bad, too. I had a three-hour mark. I was waiting. Can you hang on? I try to hold for this. I don't want to talk by myself. These are always boring. Just me by myself.

How are you doing out here? Good? Yeah. How often do you get high and look out your window and think about jumping? It's the call of the void, man. It happens every day. That's weird, isn't it? Jamie lives on a very high floor of a beautiful

place with a crazy view and he sends me pictures from his apartment and I get nervous from your pictures. I don't know if I could live where you live. The call of the void describes an impulse to hurl yourself into a void. your pictures i don't know if i could live where you live the call of the void what is the describes an impulse to hurl yourself into a void while unnerving it's a pretty common experience has

nothing to do with suicidal ideation i get a lot of dreams about falling falling from extreme heights i called burt kreischer while i'd him a text. I woke up in the morning. I had a terrible dream about Bert Kreischer, that he was climbing a bridge, and he fell off a bridge. He was doing some crazy stunt. I can do it! He tried climbing this bridge,

and he fell. I didn't watch him die, but I saw him fall. I got scared. I called him up. I told him, or I sent a text, rather. I said, dude,

I had this crazy fucking dream about you you're climbing a bridge and you fell off a bridge well he does crazy stuff though that's the problem but this is this is apparently very similar to uh that when you're driving like down the 101 and you're like what would happen if i just went right into it right the worst is the one the uh yeah yeah. Head on. Yeah, when you're going up to San Francisco, Pacific Coast Highway, they don't say the out here. We have to adjust the way we think. My wife let me know that.

You can't say the and then a highway in Texas. They only have two here. Yeah. There's no differentiation. Like, which one? When you say the 360, you can't say the 360 you gotta say 360 do you like it out here yeah i mean it's been do you like it better uh hard to say that but like because la isn't we didn't leave the place i went to right you know i mean right so uh no i mean stuck inside all year right yeah because of the

covid i like it way better out here i feel better i feel uh i feel more like i'm on the right path i feel more detached but like what we were talking about with fahim that i feel like this weird responsibility i feel like i'm on the right path out here I don't know if that's right but I'm not 100% confident in that but I know that that's how I feel like I should be

going like when I make decisions about things I have this weird like a voice inside my head it's not even a voice it's like a feeling like a head it's not even a voice it's like a feeling like a green light red light and a green light says go voice inside my head say jump i wonder about you man i want to i don't want to get a text the weirder ones are when it's uh the other day like when it was snowing for instance like when it gets really foggy, you can't see the distance.

You can't see anything. It just looks like you're on the balcony of a first floor, whatever it is. It looks like there's nothing there. That's fucking weird. Did you think about jumping? No, not at all. I don't think about it, but I'm wondering why do I think about it? Why is there something in the back of my head that's like, get up off the couch and go run outside.

And I'm like, what the fuck is that? It's why is there something in the back of my head that's like, get up off the couch and go run outside. Right. And I'm like, what the fuck is that? I didn't, it's not a thought I would ever have in my head. The call of the void. I used to feel that when I did fear factor, when we'd be on a roof and these people that had to do a stunt and I'd look off the edge of the roof,

there's a, it's part of you that like, you have a thing with height. Yeah. No, I don't really have a thing about heights, but I do have a thing about worrying about heights and i have dreams sometimes about falling but i try to figure out what those dreams are

i think those dreams are that i recognize that i'm i'm i'm in a very unusual place and i could fuck up and fall from where i'm at i think that's a it's a kind of some sort of a metaphor i know that i'm in some weird spot that you could easily say I don't deserve. But I don't think anybody deserves a spot. Yeah, I've always found you're on the ground floor of so many industries that no one would have known have popped off the way they have. Like you were so early to podcasting. And then UFC.

And then stand-up you've been doing forever as well. So it's this three-pronged approach that it's like the perfect storm. Well, it's totally on accident. That's the beauty of it though. That's probably what helps the most. The UFC, when I started doing

the UFC, dude, I was on Fear Factory. Oh no, it was before Fear Factory. Excuse me. I was on News Radio. Dude, I love that show. It's a great show i got so lucky it's one of my favorite shows i was like fucking six years in the stand-up the show that i'm working on right now there's a guy there's a writer who's on news radio who andy gordon andy gordon andy gordon he said to say hello you're working with andy gordon you know what's great too i wish i could tell you a story but i don't think i should tell you on

there he told me yeah yeah he told me to ask you about something we'll talk about it afterwards but i love that guy he's so great he's a nice guy and one of the beauties about being in a writer's room is you know i'm like a young gun or whatever when it comes to i should be doing stand-up i've been an astronaut go pee young jamie and shave your head so like, you get to hear all these great Hollywood stories because he's been a writer on news radio. He's been a writer on a lot of things. Everything. And, like, Just Shoot Me.

And, like, I watched that show as well. Yeah. And you get to hear. I'm just a fan of Hollywood stories and how the sausage. And he's been around, right? Yeah. What did he say about news radio? We didn't get to talk about it that much.

Just, like, I think because I'm in the writer's room and sometimes I'll say, oh, I got to do a show later tonight or I'm going to see Joe. I think there's a cool thing. I like being a stand-up in the writer's room because some writers, they're just happy being a writer and that's great, you know. But I'm also doing this other thing as well. Well, it's not just another thing. It's a dangerous thing. I guess so. Yeah. People look people look at you like oh fame's a standout yeah but that's all i've known um that doesn't feel sometimes people are like oh man how do you do stand i can't imagine the thing is if you put the time in it's not as scary you don't ask a helicopter pilot like are

you afraid every time you go up right because they've they know what they're doing right and the same is true of stand-up i've i've put so much time it's not as scary as you think it is the average person is thinking about it like they had to go on stage that night themselves but they haven't put the work in don't you think that's the case with basically everything that's difficult you start off it seems impossible like if someone wanted to be uh an engineer at uh fucking raytheon yeah whatever let's say spacex spacex yeah perfect if you wanted to do that if you want to design rockets that are reusable that could eventually go to mars like the the thought process when you're a child and you you watching fucking Battlestar Galactica. Did you watch?

I watched the reboot. The reboot's the shit. I loved it. The reboot is probably one of the best. You know when I just started? The Expanse. Oh, I heard it's good. It's on SyFy, right?

No, Amazon. It was on SyFy, but I think now it's on Amazon. Oh. Yeah. I was on SyFy for a while. Oh, okay. I was on Joe Rogan Questions Everything. Really now it's on Amazon. Oh. Yeah. I was on SyFy for a while. Oh, okay. I was on Joe Rogan Questions Everything. Oh, really?

I was on SyFy. Yeah. Me and Duncan Trussell. I'm sorry for underlining. And Ari Shafir, too. Oh, shit. What's he doing? I see his Instagram.

Is he finding himself right now? Ari? Yeah. He's doing drugs in another country. Can't talk about it. We'll express ourselves later after I talk to you about Andy. Okay. Sounds good.

We'll express ourselves later after I talk to you about Andy. Okay. Sounds good. But if you think about any difficult thing, it seems insurmountable when you look at if you have to go to 12 years of school and four years of internship and whatever it fucking takes to have a career in anything and you're going to have two hundred thousand dollars in student student debt the the boundary that you have to cross in order to be successful in something it seems impossible so when someone actually makes it and they you know they've actually gone through 15 years of whatever and then here they are like you're like oh my god it's it's so like you know's like? It's like when you're a jiu-jitsu white belt and you meet a black belt.

You're like, what? Like, this is crazy. And you roll with a black belt. You feel helpless. You're like, this is impossible. This doesn't make any sense. It's a person like – they know what I'm going to do before I do it. They have total control of my body and they can kill me anytime they want to.

This is terrifying. And then when you become a black belt It's the weirdest feeling in the world It's like I can do to people what they're terrified that another person could do to them like that's me now now I have this responsibility the same thing with stand-up like you start out you like Hey, have you ever noticed when you go to 7-eleven the guy working behind the counter is not always Indian like When you go to 7-Eleven, the guy working behind the counter is not always Indian. You have these fucking stupid ideas that you think are going to be funny.

And then one day you're on Netflix. One day you're on stage. You're telling jokes and people are roaring laughing. One day you get off stage and Theo Vaughn high-fives you. Joey Diaz gives you a hug. And Dave Chappelle is your friend. You can text him. You're like, this is is madness this is madness yeah it doesn't make sense also you blink and you're there oh yeah because especially if you really care enough about something you just have your eyes

on your own paper ideally and you're working on the craft and all that and before you know it you're in this even where i'm at like i'll get DMs or people trying to ask me advice. Or maybe even in L.A., you don't see yourself that way because you've been living with yourself for so long. But you can't do something for X amount of years and not be at a certain level. Right. Or you get scared and you just fall apart and you never make it there. That happens too.

And I think one of the reasons why that happens is the lack of support from colleagues, from peers, from people that are like you. And that's one of the things that I want to encourage out here. I think it's like we need some gap that's bridged you know i always talk about this in terms of like impoverished communities like we need to figure out a way to support impoverished communities the same way we think about the way to support uh gigantic

corporations that have been impacted by the pandemic why have they thought about doing that but not thought about doing that to detroit not thought about doing that to baltimore not doing not thought about doing that to like these crazy spots that have been like deeply engulfed in crime and violence forever like why can't like what they're they're missing support they're missing a sense of community and a microcosm of that is the support and community of stand-up comedy like the thing that separates the beginner from a guy like bobby lee or a guy like ari shafir is love and support and time and sometimes there's rough moments where they can't really make it without help yeah me too man like i said mark maron helping me or lenny clark telling me i was funny or

like many times man there's many times you know what's really cool is uh when the pandemic first hit the stand-up wasn't going on and all that and like also neil brennan has been uh like a mentor to me as well like he's been really cool like i went on the road with him maybe two years ago just touring and he was you know i'll call him every now and then and he was like are you cool do you need money and that's that's not often that happens you know like uh i have the writing job and i was fine but just that was such a move that he did that like it's not lost on me yeah i thought it was very cool he's very cool yeah yeah he's a he's an underappreciated guy he helped me um we were actually in austin because we were on tour in austin was one of the cities that we hit we're staying at the line hotel

and we're just walking around and he was like oh yeah you have like an interesting brain and uh if you ever want to write on SNL or something, or I think you could probably be a good writer on there, if you need to submit a packet or anything, I'll help you out. I was like, oh, I mean, I just kind of, like, filed it in the back of my brain. And then I had tried to sell this sketch show, just because we had done Goat Face on Comedy Central, which is, like, a one-hour sketch special with me, Hass minhaj aristotle theorist and also folly because we were doing

youtube sketch for a long time and we were trying we just thought like oh we're the next up just with just middle eastern people south asian people like we're like in living how important living color was i feel like brown brown people in America are the next. Are you brown? I'm Afghan. So my parents are from Afghanistan. I'm darker than you. Dude, once I get in the sun, I'm in Austin, baby.

I'm going to lay out. Yeah, but when I get in the sun, I get almost black. Are you Italian or what are you? Yeah, but I have vitiligo, so I can't really get in the sun or I look like a fucking weird. I can get dark. I have white spot, like my fingers are all white. I've gotten way paler as i've

gotten older but there are like old pictures of me where i look super dark i have sicilian ancestry so you get dark dark as fuck but just in terms of ethnically but you say you're brown i i identify as brown i guess technically i'm not supposed to say that that's am i am i browner than you i don't know you should have a brown off after this. I don't know. Jamie, who's darker, me or him? I mean, I'm pretty pale right now. But it's Italian-Americans at one point in time. My grandfather explained this to me when I was a child. My grandfather and I had a very close relationship because I really don't know my dad.

And I lived with my grandfather when I was a struggling comedian when I moved from Boston, New York. struggling comedian when I moved from Boston New York and we had some real intense long conversations about his his childhood where he came over as an immigrant from Italy and Italians were they were they were treated the same way racist people treat Mexicans you know it was like you know he explained to me how he's teased and picked on and bullied, and they called him a guinea whop and all these horrible things. And it's weird because they've been accepted now. Italians have slowly... It's like during the course of my lifetime, my grandfather's lifetime,

they've become white people. But they weren't white people. I feel like every ethnicity takes their lumps in America. Like initially it's Italians and then Irish and then black people. And then I just feel like Middle Eastern, South Asian people are on the chopping block currently. So In Living Color is just such a beacon to me when that came out. I love that show. I love what they were able to do.

It was like a release valve. Oh, yeah. Especially in the 90s of that time. I just felt like what we were doing with Goatface, just my sketch group, it spoke to an underserved consciousness in America. So we did the sketch show for Comedy Central. It was like a one-hour sketch special. I was head on it i was really proud it's on amazon i think you could rent it now but like i was proud of what we created and after that i thought uh sometimes

you're talented enough but you feel like okay they didn't say yes because i don't have enough of the credits to say yes because everything is risk yes to like a sketch show or something that i want to do like you want to do your own sketch show yeah or even goat face like you learn that not everything is merit based in hollywood it's just everyone's trying to keep their job well that's the beautiful thing about social media and like youtube yes you don't need those gatekeepers but if you're working in the traditional Hollywood paradigm, it's them saying no is not a reflection on you as a performer or as an artist. It's just they're saying no because if they see us,

their job is on the chopping block. You need to give them enough ammo to not get fired if it goes south. Or they have to have the balls enough to step out and say, I think this person has enough talent. Yeah, but no one's really willing to do that. Well, some people do it's it's very rare so i thought i had enough stuff going on i go okay i was head writer on goat face i had gotten variety top 10 comics to watch um i'm at the store i'm one of the guys at the store i felt like i had enough credits to warrant maybe like

what i want to do so we went around we're like absolutely which is the production company they did nathan for you they did crowl uh maybe not crow show but uh they work with tim eric tim and eric a lot so they're they're good they're like a reputable production company and we would go to all these we'd have these meetings at like hulu and hbo and all these places and they were just kind of like whatever and we thought it was a slam dunk just with the product and and then i realized i'm like oh they just kind of like see see me as a runt or they don't see me the way i see myself and like these other people see myself i need to get these other credits to for them to kind of take you seriously so that's when i was like let me try to be a writer for SNL. Let me try to cash that Neil card. Yeah.

Cause you know, he had mentioned that just when we were walking in Austin, I was like, it'd be cool to just touch that place. Cause I, that's why I got into standup. I just loved SNL growing up. Isn't it funny?

Like the perceptions, like with people's perceptions, especially in Hollywood, that's a problem with gatekeepers. People can say, like there's a person that can say i don't think people are going to get this guy yeah i think that's something i've struggled with or they can say i think people are going to get this guy and then they push you through and then like a lot of people get pushed through that really don't necessarily work i think what's what i uh for as long as i've been doing stand-up i think

one thing that's been working against me is that i am a comedian who happens to be afghan it's not my identity i don't draw on it all the time it may be like five percent of what i do on stage it's five percent not yeah maybe it's like 2 or 1% it's not even 1 I'm a stand up comedian who happens to be Afghan I just like funny first and that shit look I'm proud of it it informs who I am as a person

but I was born in Seattle, Washington Evergreen Hospital I'm American my parents are from Afghanistan I'm proud of it but I don't need to draw from it it's not everything. It's not everything.

And I think sometimes these diversity opportunities that happen in Hollywood, they want you to be diverse in the way they want you to be diverse. Right. Like if I wanted to do a workplace comedy, they'd be like, oh, we could just get that from a white guy. You know what I mean? They don't say that in so many words. I know what you're saying.

But it's like they want to strife. They want you to be a guy who used to live in a cave yeah they go like did your mom get killed in a killing field or something like who was killed in your family were you a refugee like they want that story yeah so i'm up against that so when i got these no's around town i was like all right i got i gotta give them the trinkets they need let me try like everyone respects snl let me try to get a job there and neil was very cool man like i would send him my sketches he would work with me we'd be on the phone for like an hour or two he doesn't have to do this he's like he's very established he's huge you know but i think that's the beauty of the comedy store where you find people you like and you gravitate towards them and you want to usher in the new generation.

And he doesn't do that with a lot of people. And I just felt very gracious that he took the time to do that. So we put together this packet. And then I send the packet in. And then I don't hear anything about the packet. And then they hit up my manager and and then they're like can you send in we're looking at him as a performer like can you send in his stand-up so then we send five minutes of my stand-up and they go all right they like it

they want they want like another five and then we send another five and they go okay he's due to the next round and it's during a pandemic so like the final stage i would have been like in 30 rock performing in front but it's a pandemic so i have to just do stand up in front of my curtain at home but whatever i do it and then so i go through this whole rigmarole and it's cool to even be in this position and then you know i find out i i don't get it which is you know it's cool to even get this far and you're in the stratosphere i guess but part of me is like what happened to the packet no one ever i wasn't even trying to be before i was just trying to write right i was trying to write for it i was so happy when punky got it oh yeah man i've known

punky for so long and she's been a she's great on it too bartender at the fucking store that's almost like old hollywood shit like that doesn't happen that much anymore it's amazing like i was a bartender at the comedy store now i'm on snl it's amazing punky's always been so cool yeah she's so nice and she's so wild she's so wild you know you watch her doing stand-up talk about her relationship with her woman you know she's just wild leslie too her doing stand-up, talk about her relationship with her woman. She's just wild. Leslie, too. I remember when she got it.

She's another store person. Leslie's funny. She'll post my dance clips sometimes. But then she half shits on me as well. She's like, this is so god-awful, but I can't stop watching. And I'll get all these followers. But I think she likes it though because she keeps on she's fucking with you she keeps she keeps posting it she's a comic

yeah yeah i met neil when he wasn't even a comic in boston yeah no at the boston comedy club in new york oh yeah neil was like a fucking doorman or something i forget what he did there that's kind of inspiring the pivot that he made a lot of writers wouldn't do that well when i when i first did chapelle he wasn't a stand-up when i first did chapelle show well the first time i did chapelle show was totally by accident i was walking down the street in new york and i saw dave with a mustache on fake mustache and and i go and i go what are you doing, Dave? He goes, oh, hey, Joe. I got a show coming out, man. He goes, you want to be on it right now?

I go, right now? I go, I got an hour. And he goes, we're handing out ribbons for the best New York boobs. And Dave was playing this character where he had a fake mustache on. And he was relatively he wasn't i mean he was like relatively known yeah that's me and dave so you just bumped into him totally bumped into him walking down the street and i he goes uh we he goes uh we're gonna hand out these uh these ribbons for new york boobs so i had literally an hour i ran into him and Bobcat Goldthwait just walking down the street. There's me in the lower left-hand corner of that right side.

We can see it just right there. Did that picture right there. That's it. That's just me and Dave. I'm just holding up these ribbons. I said I got one hour. I had a meeting going on. I had one hour.

I think I was working at Caroline's, and I was just walking down the street with this box of new york boobs and he's like you got the best new york boobs how were people what were they like hilarious they were laughing really funny but davis amazing and it was uh that was the first time i was on and then the second time i was on it was uh there it is me and dave me with a full head of hair handing out ribbons for the best new york boobs you got the best new york boobs and girls shaking their titties today you would bet me too'd in a fucking second you'd be on every vox article would be about what a fucking ableist racist sexist homophobic fill in the blank is piece of shit you are um but so there was that

and then the other time i was on was uh a fear factor sketch that time i flew out to la and uh tyrone biggums dave's character was on fear factor and um that me and neil were hanging out and neil was the uh producer of the show and i had known neil from boston comedy i was like dude look at you the producer so he was like one of the co-creators of chapelle show and one of the writers and he was in a bunch of the sketches and and then afterwards he started doing stand-up so that was probably like 2003 or some shit and then after that he started doing stand-up And then after that, he started doing stand-up. And then I remember running into him doing stand-up. I'm like, oh, that's cool.

I like that he took a fucking chance and just realized. Big chance, man, because it's super cush if you just want to. He could have had a lane and been fine and all that. It's very daunting to do what we do, but it's all we've known. So it's not as risky to us. So I just don't see that trajectory a lot. Well, especially from someone who has other options and is successful in those other options. He had other ways to do it.

But it was cool to know him as the guy who was just at the club and then see him blow up. But also the work he put into he'll tell me about things he's done and like he would have someone kind of like make sure i'm smiling on stage and stuff and just like he puts the work in because some people will feel entitled because he had so much success with uh chapelle's show it's easy to just be like all right just come in like a steamroller but to actually take the time to learn the craft well you have to if you don't you eat shit yeah there's no if ands or buts if you go on stage and you haven't put in that time you're not gonna you're not gonna

do well and he i think he was aware of that being around dave for so long and also being at boston comedy and when i met neil was in the early 90s it was like 91 or 92 at the same time I met Ian Edwards I love Ian I fucking love that dude I talk to him like every week

I talked to him yesterday he's like how's it in Austin I'm like I've been here two days I don't know yet he's thinking about coming down here really? yeah he's on

he's a part of my plan nice yeah he's one of those guys as well I talk about space brains he has one of those space brains well. I talk about space brains. He has one of those space brains where he'll make a joke and you go, I could have never come up with that in a million years.

Yeah. Well, he's got a uniquely relaxed sense of humor. Yeah. He's slow and his punchlines sizzle. He gives them time to ignite. sizzle you know they have they have uh he gives them time to ignite he's almost a master class and let him come to you because a lot of people that try to cater to the audience ian's ian takes his time he's dope he lets the audience come to him he's got great jokes well he's him and owen smith are my personal two favorite examples of, unfortunately, what can happen when you get a guy who becomes a world-class stand-up but has spent so much time writing and writing on sitcoms that people don't know. And I've done my best to let people know about Ian, and I've done my best to let people know about Owen.

But those two guys are as good as any fucking comic on the planet Earth. but those two guys are as good as any fucking comic on the planet earth I said to Owen once when he was on the show I said you are one of the top

20 stand up comedians alive on earth and that's a fact and people don't know and I think it's crazy I think it's crazy that people don't know they're working on

the same show Owen is work he's show running Last OG yes and Ian's writing on it yes yeah

brilliant comedy store guys again. Yeah. Brilliant. And both geniuses. Yeah. You can get lost in it. You get lost in the writing gig because it's a steady paycheck.

Steady paycheck. Steady paycheck. And then also, I've noticed that, like, I haven't been in the room that long, but it seems like nothing. You're just sitting in front of a laptop for eight hours or whatever. Yep. But you're wiped afterwards. Yeah.

And also- You can't go up on stage. You can. go up on stage you can't say you don't have any energy one thing that you realize though is that whenever you have a job they're renting your brain you know what i mean so i'm thinking of funny stuff but it's for the show right whereas if i wasn't then you can have more time to daydream and you can think about bits for you I've gotten better at it because the first week I was like oh no because it was so new to me just having this much time dedicated

to something other than just fucking around and daydreaming for my stand up and sketches but then I have a good split once I punch out I can think about me. The weekend comes, I'm still thinking about bits. So I found the balance. But you can get lost in it.

It's like Inception. When you go too many layers down, you can go so far down the writer's hole that it's hard to come back to stand-up. Well, the problem is it's a job. And you get that paycheck every week. And for you to say, I don you get that paycheck every week and for you to say i don't want that paycheck every week that's hard to do but if you want to do that fucking road particularly before zoom and before pandemics you couldn't you couldn't just detach yourself

from the mothership you had to be you had to have an umbilical cord that's one of the perks of the pandemic which you know sounds terrible but again i'm a proponent of turning lemons in a lemonade is uh i'm able to write remotely so while i can do that because eventually i might have to be back on the sound stage and give alts and stuff. And it's a collaborative process, but while it's not, I get to be here. Yeah. So sort of seeing opportunity where people don't see opportunity.

Yeah. Yeah. You don't have to be like, what was me? I just wallow in it. You took a chance coming out here because there's not a lot. It's you, you understand that it's about to happen,

about to happen. And also when I was was in la it was just very depressing uh i mean i could handle it but i would get done with my writer's room and then at night there's nothing it's walking dead the weekend there's nothing how sad is the streets streets of l yeah man dude i would drive down sunset and it's like a ghost town it's like vanilla sky so strange so strange i've never seen people are racing and shit cops care about other things isn't that crazy no one cares so many people are driving so fast down l down sunset the cops have bigger fish to fry they don't really care about that and i you learn things about yourself in the pandemic and i just learn i'm a standup and I love standup and I need an audience to do what I need to go somewhere where they let you do it.

Yeah. You can do it out here in a fucking indoor crowd. They don't give a shit. Yeah, they do. And they don't like they're messed up. They're taking precautions and stuff, but whatever.

They don't give a fuck. They let you make out with the crowd. It's packed. That place is packed. Anton's on Monday. i went there i went to kill toady there was tables but they were spaced out a bit and people were three feet sure if the covid's in the air you're getting it they don't give a fuck dude um i've got my own like I'll be smart about it I'm not gonna go to a rave Or some shit Bro you already got it

I already got it You got the fucking antibodies You know what's funny You go out there Make out with randos Who gives a shit I go don't worry I've already had it

You're safe You don't have a girlfriend In LA right No Oh nice That's how I was able To come out here Get yourself a Texas gal

I don't know This is an invitation to any Texas. They're real women. Really? Yeah, they wear cowboy boots with no socks on. I have a theory as to why a lot of bachelorette parties, they'll go to Tennessee or they'll go to Texas and they'll dress up like a cowgirl. Really?

Yeah. Dressing up like a cowgirl is a thing. And I think- With who? really yeah like dressing up like a cowgirl is a thing and i think with who it's just fun for girls to do to dress up like wear a hat and boots and i think it's the only sociable or the socially acceptable form of cosplay oh right yeah yeah because it's one step below dressing up like chun li from street fighter right right right but it's but it's fun like we're cowgirls you can't be an indian anymore

yeah you can't do that you can't wear like a feathered headdress but dressing up like a cowgirl it's fun and people don't look at it as weird as if you're chunley you can be a cowgirl you can't be a cow you you can't be an indian cowboys and indians you can't be a you can be a cow only when you're a child you can do that even a child they'll beat the shit out of if they find you yeah i beat the shit out of some kids i go you. Yeah, I beat the shit out of some kids. I go, you can't do that. You can't do red face. Yeah, you can't do that.

How dare you? Give me your laser gun. It's five o'clock. Let's wrap this up. Fahim, welcome to Austin. Thank you. Glad you're here, brother. This has been the best welcome.

I'm very excited you're here. I've ever had anywhere. Thank you. Very excited you're here. I remember when I texted you, you were just so and like you were so happy you're like gotta have you on the pod you're gonna love texas my first show is tonight i'm headlining vulcan saturday vulcan gas company's a fun place i think whitney's gonna pop on and do a show is she here uh she might come here friday friday she might drive she faced me. She's like, Tim Dillon's coming out.

Woo! So yeah, she'll be a special guest on my show. Woo! All right, maybe I'll come by. I invited you.

I know you got your own thing or whatever, but if you have time, obviously I would love to have you on the show. Let's fucking do it. Yeah. Yes, sir.

All right, let's wrap it up. What's your podcast podcast fahim anwar dance hour dance and then also uh last time i was on i was like i had a special it was on amazon but now it's on youtube so oh it's called there's no business like show business that's that's the only remember my dad shit on me yeah yeah yeah yeah so tell everybody what that was what that was it was i got booed at the apollo back in seattle i was like 17 or 18 years old and i i got i auditioned to be on the apollo in seattle and so i invited everybody out i invited like teachers and classmates and all that and then then just everybody came up. My parents came out.

And this is the only time they've seen me do stand-up. And they were so against it, right? Especially my dad. And then they announced me. I come out. And it's kind of shortly after 9-11. I've told the story. I'll use it on the last one.

But I'm like, hey, my name is Fihim Anwar. It's a Middle Eastern name. I go, Afghan, to be exact. And people were like, boo. They just start booing there's like so many booths like 4 000 people and then the siren comes on and i get like booed off stage right and then my parents took a different car i drove there myself and then i hear the story from my brother they're're driving home, and my dad goes, he's like happy, right? He's like, well, there's no business like show business.

So that's always stuck with me. And I named my first one-hour stand-up special, There's No Business Like Show Business. And now it's on YouTube. It's on Comedy Central's YouTube. Yeah, there it is. My buddy Aristotle directed it. And I'm proud of it. It's on YouTube. It's on Comedy Central's YouTube. Yeah, there it is. My buddy Aristotle directed it and I'm proud of it.

It's very cool that I love this new wave of comedians just putting their shit out on YouTube. What's going on with your lips? I think it's They put makeup on you, bro. Yeah, they put The trouble is

when you're an ethnic performer they have a different they're used to doing like white performers and they're not used to like all of skin. And then also the way it's shot too. They didn't put any- No, bro. They put lipstick on you.

Your skin's fine. They jokered me, dude. Your lips are ridiculous. They jokered me. Don't let them do that anymore. Yeah. Just tell them this is what I look like. That's what I tell them.

Sometimes I'll do shoots now where I'm like, I'm fine. I don't need- No, just don't let them. Just say you can't put makeup on me. Yeah. Yeah. Honestly. Yeah.

Like, if it's a shine thing, if I'm shiny, sure, powder it. Look at my fucking shiny head. You're good. Don't you talk to me about shiny. You're good. Look at his head. You could play a movie off my head. Yeah.

Don't let him. This is what you look like. It's what I look like. Yeah. Flaws and all. Yes. You don't need to Photoshop me. You don't need to put lipstick on you.

They'll do it. But they didn't. They'll do it. Maybe my lips were just especially red that day. Unless you were sucking some cherry dick. Maybe I was. I always have the onstage jitters and I always try to suck a few dicks before I go on.

Just to relax yourself. Can't be worse than this. Yeah, can't be worse than this. So that's on YouTube. Go watch it, ladies and gentlemen. He's fucking hilarious. And if you can get a ticket to Vulcan Gas Company Saturday night, don't sleep. Don't sleep.

And we're going to be doing shows out here for him. Yeah, man. I'd love to have you out there for the time. The party will be happening. Good night, everybody. Goodbye. Thank you. Bye.