The Joe Rogan Experience - #161 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: November 28, 2011

Joe sits down with Bert Kreischer.

Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. Yeah, in our long, drawn-out commercials that I do to sponsor this podcast, to keep it free, ladies and gentlemen, because otherwise it would be unbearable if we couldn't make money from this fucker. Burt Kreischer was telling, what I smell might be one of the great stories no your dad no he used to shit his pants all the time 30s all the time he used to how long would you said the story began with you saying that he shit his pants in a banana republic in beverly hills and uh it was it was like real it was like like the real coming of age part of my life when my dad looked at me and he was

like buddy i'm about to shit my pants. What do I do? Here's the worst part. Does the Bay Area Republic have a bathroom? Here's the fucking worst part of it, right? So I look at him and I go, just shit your pants, dad. I think you got to shit your pants. I go, shit your pants a little bit and then walk as far as you can and get to your hotel.

And he just left my daughters with me, like fucking dropped them and was like, I'm fucking out of here. And so he started walking down Rodeo or whatever, Burton or one of those roads to get to his hotel. So my mom comes up and she's like, where's your dad? And I said, oh, he left me this sweater. I got to buy it for him. I bought him and ended up buying him the sweater. And I go, he had to shit his pants.

She goes, what do you mean he had to shit his pants? I go, he had to shit. So he shit his pants. And then he just, he's walking down the street. I go, I'm sure we can catch him. He's walking slow. And then my wife comes up. She goes, where's your dad? And I go, he shit his pants. She goes, why didn't he just use the bathroom? I said, where's the bathroom? street. I go. I'm sure we can catch him. He's walking slow and then my wife comes up She goes where's your dad and I go you shit his pants. Why didn't he just use the bathroom?

I said where's the bathroom she goes downstairs and I went little I probably should have told him that and so It was Black Friday and I'm waiting in line to and I got a leather jacket on sale Well, it's even worse I think if you shit your pants in line for the bathroom because because then everybody's going to know. If there's a big line of people and you just dump in your pants, then you're like close proximity to other people. There's no way to play off shitting your pants. When you shit your pants, I say this. Shitting your pants is a lot like getting a DUI.

You roll the dice so much and get away with it that when you do get caught with your hand in a cookie jar, you're like, motherfucker, I never thought that was going to happen. Are you kidding me? I shit my pants. I got a DU a dy i do this all the time why today oh that's so true so but in the when his 30s he was running marathons and he used to shit his pants all the time not even like i'm not even saying like i'm not even saying

like oh uh once a month i'm talking once a week he would this is before cell phones too he was in his 30s he was in his 30s i was a i was a kid we were living in in like North Tampa not like the nicer North Tampa but in the shittier redneck verse black North Tampa and First time I ever heard the n-word was in this neighborhood, but my dad used to run marathons So he'd run like five miles ten miles and he'd go out and on these ten mile runs He shit his pants so he'd go into these orange groves, shit himself, right, clean himself the best he could, and then run home. But there were some nights, I remember these distinctly. It was before cell phones.

It would get dark, and my mom was like, we've got to go look for your dad. And we'd be driving his route where he'd run, and all of a sudden, like a naked, half-naked my dad would come out of the fucking orange groves like, I'm here! Get me in the car! He knew you would come get him? Oh, he just would, yeah, it would be,

I remember thunder and lightning, and he's just sitting in an orange grove naked like how did he shit his pants and and we'd be like over here and he'd be like all right and he'd just hop in the front seat go home let's go like real quick he shit his pants a lot he hates my stories i hope someone if anyone is listening this knows my dad let him listen to this. Because every fucking story I ever tell, he fucking always goes, God damn your fucking imagination. That's not how it fucks. I did not shit my pants. I shit a little bit.

I didn't shit my. You're making people think I shit my pants. He just squirts. He's just a little squirter. I don't know. Let's call him on the phone. Do it. Let's get my dad on the phone.

See, this is a perfect example. My dad and I are night and day human beings we were telling stories this weekend about like like one time okay one time one morning i thought i was my parents were out of town my little sister was 10 i was probably 21 i was drinking a lot at the time because i was you know party animal shit and then and i was pissing in a lot of places, like in the roundhouses. Like I pissed on my ex-girlfriend's dining room table and was walked in by her dad. Dude, you want to talk about a fucking nightmare. What? Oh my God.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. You pissed on the dining room table of her house? Kristen Medock. And her dad walked in and caught you? Her dad, Larry Medock in Orlando. Larry, if you're listening, I'm guilty. So here's, okay. Because I never really accepted blame for it.

I always said it never fucking happened. Because I didn't want it. Because I didn't want it. Okay. Why did you do it? It was Thanksgiving. It was right after the Rolling Stone magazine came out. And I go back to partying.

What do you mean the Rolling Stone magazine came out? The Rolling Stone in 1997 called me the number one party animal in the country just for someone who doesn't know and then that was a big deal. I became famous in town. I became famous

in like Tampa, Florida, Tampa, Tallahassee, Gainesville, Orlando, anywhere that I had people that went to Florida State lived. They knew who I was. They were like, that's the fucking party guy.

So if I went out, shots, weed, people put drugs in my hand. It was. So if I went out, shots. Really? Weed. People put drugs in my hand. It was fucking insane. I'd get roofied. I got roofied a couple times.

So you became a celebrity partier overnight. I became the guy that I'd walk. Before the article, I was just the loud, fun, shirtless guy on top of the bar, getting everyone in a frenzy. And then when the article came out, it was like the fucking linemen would come to the bar I drank at yanni's and they'd pull me aside they're like you're drinking with us tonight we want to drink with the party animal and then i'd just be up with these linemen like four linemen and we'd be just doing shots and shots and shots and these guys are 350 pounds oh my god i'm 218 at the time probably like i threw 218 and probably more like 225 but but and so i became like like i say famous i think i

say like reality show famous like the way snooki her first season was you know so that's how you were in your town in your in tallahassee if i went any like right after that article came out in tallahassee definitely in orlando i knew 40 of the bar knew who i was in tampa everyone knew who i was that's back when people actually read magazines that it's before reality shows it's before the internet before the internet it's a big one for it's like you were in this so like you i was on oprah called and wanted me to be on her show but she wanted my parents to be on too and mom was like i'm not gonna do that to my fucking parents so i did everything i did like fucking they sent you ready for this this is how bizarre this period got they

sent espn sent a tour bus with two actors in it to come shoot a commercial of partying with me of what it's like to party with the number one party animal for the x games right they wanted to like and one of the actors was johnny knoxville fucking bizarre as shit so johnny knoxville we meet and he says you do drugs and i was like i was like in my head i'm like yeah i'm an adult let's do it so going to this tour bus i'd never done pills like pills and so he like pours like no no yeah a little stronger probably like pete tylenol probably so he just pours some some tylenols whatever it was hes it into my hand. And so I thumb one, finger one, hold it down. And he gives me two.

And I pop one. And then he starts passing a bomb. Oh, so you were being calculated about it. I was like, I don't know what the fuck I'm taking. I have no idea. And I haven't started drinking. I haven't done it. I'm just like, what the fuck?

It's not like someone might not die of a fucking overdose around that guy. Yes. But this is before Jackass. Right. They were just crazy. This is like five, ten years before Jackass. Yeah, those are wild dudes and johnny oxford's passing pills around and he's lighting a bong and we're doing bong hits and he's you got to be careful he's putting in videos of of of uh of bam margera trying to break a bottle over his head and he's like watch

this and we're laughing our tits off this is well before anyone knows what the fuck this is wow and then i look at the other guy i I forget the other guy's name, but I go, what was that? And he's like, Dilaudid. You never heard Dilaudid? I go,

what's Dilaudid? And he's like, it's like pharmaceutical heroin. It's awesome. You're going to love it. And I was like, thank God I only took one. Jesus Christ.

That's like what, like they used to give chicks in the Wild West movies. Yeah. When they had an issue. She's dying. She needs some Dilaudid. They give them Dilaudid.

Yeah. Yeah. So we end up partying all night. We take this tour bus out, fill it up, dress as women, throw ourselves down the stairs. Dress as women? Fucking one of the craziest nights of my life. Passed over that. Dress as women.

Breaking beer bottles over our heads. Jesus Christ. It was the craziest fucking night of my life. Did anybody get cut? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In the head? No, they were fake breakaway beer bottles. Oh, okay.

But we had seen Bam do it, and we thought it was funny, so we were doing it with these fake breakaway bottles. Bam did it with a real bottle? I think it was Bam and his posse, but it was the CKY posse. They were trying to break a beer bottle over their head. How did that happen that that became a genre of entertainment? Like that jackass, watch dudes do fucked up things and get hurt. What happened?

I have no idea. I don't know know but i've made a living doing it it started it started off with like charlie chaplin falling down the stairs i guess ultimately it's like yeah his wife like the buster keaton pro like physical comedy like i didn't see jackass 3 but i laughed my ass off at the fucking trailer i just there's a bunch of movies that i just haven't gotten around to seeing and that's one of them but when that guy walks in the door in the giant hand, fucking clobbers him in the face and he goes flying, I'm sorry, that's hilarious. It's a great. That is fucking hilarious.

It's great. It's funnier than, I'm 39 years old with two kids and it still makes me laugh my tits off. It is like an advanced version of that Charlie Chaplin shit, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. It is, right? And here's the other thing, it's guys, it's buddies, they're all in it together. They're a team. Ridiculous, retard shit. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. And here's the other thing. It's guys. It's buddies. They're all in it together. They're a team.

Ridiculous retard shit. Like when Johnny Knoxville put a fucking blindfold on and stood in front of the bull. He's out of his fucking mind. This is after he's already a movie star. Yeah, and he doesn't need to do it. And he was one-upping them, so they had to do it. And you're just like, this guy's out of his fucking mind. He was doing movies with The Rock, and yet he would put a blindfold on and stand in front of a fucking real bull.

A real bull. Oh, that was terrifying. And the way he got launched, easily a horn could have gone through him. Oh, I got mauled by a bull, and I'll tell you right now. Yeah, I got mauled by a bull on Hurt Bert. Really? Yeah, this is before. Were you riding it?

No, no, no. I was a rodeo clown. They just taught me how to put the makeup on. They're like, all right, you ready? I go, hold on, I haven't learned anything. And they're like, oh, stay away from the bull. And I was like, that's it? And then they pull the pin. You hear the ring

where the gate opens. And a real fucking bull comes out. Like a real bull comes and I just, we just met in my rib cage and he broke my ribs and broke my foot. Oh my god. Yeah, and then the producer, Tim Scott, says. You tim scott with a little bit of venom in your voice fucking i love the guy but he did a cocksucker says to me

uh that was really good that's really good footage we're gonna do it we need to do it like two more times what hold on you're out of your fucking mind after you got your rib broken i have broken ribs and a foot broken foot and i'm sitting on the ground wind knocked out of me just and he's like well it's only like eight seconds of footage. Like, whoa. And he goes, we need it to be a segment. And it segments three and a half minutes. And we can't make a footage out of eight seconds.

I mean, if you watch it online, it's they just replay. Because I wouldn't do it again. And they just replay it over and over and over. That's pretty uncreative of him that you couldn't come up with some sort of a way to fill that time. Where you would talk over it and describe what it was when you realized what a terrible idea it was yeah that's what we ended up i can't believe that he was so irresponsible that he asked you to do it again that's tim scott for you why were you willing to do it in the first place i love tim he's still a friend of mine but because i was i don't know tim i don't know it was uh but he sounds like a

douchebag no he's he's he's in the now. He's not listening to any of this. Good. I mean, I'm sure he's a nice guy, but to ask you to do that after you broke your rib and your foot is crazy. It was also like a, I don't know, we've talked about this a couple of times. It was like a new discovery of, there, this is me getting mauled by the bull right here. So that's the bull, right? That's not a baby bull at all, and that's me. Now, if you're on the clock, you're probably looking at like,

right now it's four seconds, and they're cutting this up to make it look longer but this is exactly how quick it took just the bull comes and they go all right this is the oh dude and then right now i'm trying to run but my foot's broken so i can't stand on it oh my god dude you got hit by a truck yeah i got hit by a fucking truck to back that just a little bit, just to the impact, Brian. Let it play for a second. It'll start. Yeah. Just go to the end.

Oh, it replays itself? I mean, it'll replay it. Yeah. No, back up a little bit more, Brian, so we can see the impact. Oh, my God. This is the first shot of the day. We haven't shot anything right now. All we've done is we've shot me put on makeup.

How much does that thing weigh? It's got to be 800 pounds that's it fucking i don't know i don't know yeah i guess i don't think that's 800 pounds dude i think that's a lot bigger than that oh my god that thing nailed you it hits me square i've never been hit that solid by anything i was i said in the clip i got hit mouth of the baseball bat i've been hit by cars i've been hit like in a car accident but man when that bull its whole head connected with my whole and we met where my mic was right now i'm this is after this is me going i'm not fucking doing it again look how pretty faced you look skinny i was oh my god dude let's show it like nailed oh my god look at that impact i know holy shit and you're lucky the thing didn't stomp on your head. Watch. You can see where it breaks my foot. It doesn't look

like it does. Look. Watch. Right here you go. Down my leg and step on my foot. That's the hoof print. Please God just get this bull away from me so that I don't speak with a slur for the rest of my life and have a hoof print on the side of my head.

I do don't I? You got more cushioning in your face. with a slur for the rest of my life and have a hoof clip on the side of my head. I do, don't I? Yeah. You got more cushioning in your face. It's filtered from your beard. Dude, you got jacked. I mean, you were right where you should have been. He did really well for his first time.

How many times have these guys been hit? These are professionals. Oh, this guy's fucking... We got dressed together and he was cut like all stitches, broken bones. What a crazy way to make a living, man. Yeah. I don't know how we... Oh, okay, so wait.

I'm going to bring it back to where we started. Okay. So that is my connection with Jackass. And then I did a show very similar to it for six episodes. We did six episodes. But I met Johnny Knoxville after the Rolling Stones stuff. The Rolling Stones stuff was crazy. jackass and that i did a show very similar to it for six episodes we did six episodes but i met johnny knoxville after the rolling stone stuff the rolling stone stuff was crazy when that came out it was like being famous cut back to how i pissed on my girlfriend's table yes so thank you so

that was like unwinding that was nice that was like untangling a necklace i don't know how you did that so so we go out in orlando This is right after Thanksgiving when everyone's home. So everyone I know from Orlando is at every bar, all on Church Street, I think is the name of the street. So we go out, and it's fucking chaos. My girlfriend, her sister, and her sister's boyfriend, who was the coolest fucking guy, and he always had weed. So we go out, and everyone's buying me shots.

We're getting fucking hammered. Her parents had just bought a house, just bought this brand this brand new house just like and it was their dream house we had thanksgiving together we held hands talked about how at the table how this is everything we've worked for guys as a team we saved we scrimped we anyway we go back to her house and i'm like i'm not fucking done like i want to keep drinking and this guy danny's like oh yeah me too so we got like a 12 pack of beer and we go out to the dock and and that's all i remember danny then the next morning recounts everything to me because i my she walks in the first thing in the morning she's like did you piss on my dining room table and i'm like no why would i fucking do that i'm a grown man i don't

piss on tables she's like my dad said he caught you pissing on her table i'm like your dad is crazy he doesn't like me because i'm the party animal and he's trying to get me out of your life that's what's fucking going on and you got a fucking room. We're gonna play I'm the party animal. I'm sure Watch me out of your life number one party in the country, but something to the yeah, I'm sure I actually use those words You probably had a t-shirt of it Explaining it all Did you ever think about getting I'm the party animal tattooed

Anywhere on your body I was thinking about getting a squirrel With a beer can and a cigarette That said the party squirrel on it one time The party squirrel Who's gonna fucking question that tattoo So wait tell me what's your tattoo about It's about a fucking party squirrel

If I pulled you over If I was a cop and I pulled you over And you had a party squirrel tattoo on I'd immediately take you to jail I'm like I know this guy did something fucked up in the last couple months. We just got to get it out of him. We're just going to sit down and go, you know what you did. Just tell me.

You know what you did. Just tell me. We'll all get out of here early. We'll get you a nice quick sentence. Just tell me what happened. I don't even know what you're talking about. Okay. All right, party squirrel.

Get back in your fucking cage. She goes out to the breakfast table where her family is. Oh, my God. How much piss are we talking about here? In my head, it didn't happen. In your head, it didn't happen. You completely blacked out. I swear to you, all my children right now, I laid in that bed and rolled over and I went,

how fucking bizarre is that? Wait a minute, then. How do you know your homie didn't fucking sell you down the river? Maybe he pissed on the table and then said that you did it. Exactly. That's why he woke you up in the morning. He knew you blacked out. Exactly. And then he blamed you for your homie didn't fucking sell you down the river maybe he pissed on the table and then said that you did it that's why he woke you up in the morning he knew you blacked out

and then he blamed you for pissing on the table that's what's going through my head right now is I roll back over and I go fuck this I'm going back to sleep maybe

maybe that would be called shitting but yeah maybe no that would be called a Brian train wreck are you smoking a regular cigarette over there

no it's got weed in it alright so good for you so Danny the boyfriend comes in Are you smoking a regular cigarette over there? No, it's got weed in it. All right. So Danny, the boyfriend comes in and his eyes are so excited. He goes, heard you pissed on their table. Oh, no. And I'm like, no. Why is everyone fucking saying that?

And he's like, because her dad walked in on you pissing on the table. And I said, he's fucking lying. He goes, man, he is pretty set in that he saw you pissing on their dining room table and i go danny i don't remember fucking anything he goes he goes well we got these beers we went out to their dock do you remember that and i go yes and he's like and i had a joint and i go okay i remember that and he's like and then you ate the joint i was like i don't remember that and he goes yeah i said hold this and you ate it and laughed and then we killed all the beers out there.

I go, fuck, we did? He was like, yeah. Then you start piecing back little things. I go, did we get stuck in a phone booth last night? He's like, no, we got locked in their food cabinet, like in their food closet. Like a pantry? In their pantry because we were eating in their kitchen.

This I start remembering. I go, yeah. The girlfriends come out. It was a sliding door. We were eating yeah. The girlfriends come out. The girlfriends come, it was a sliding door. So we were eating and the girlfriends came out, the sisters,

and they go, you're fucking making a ton of noise. So me and Danny went into the pantry and shut the door but then we couldn't figure out how to open it

because there wasn't a handle on it. So you guys were hammered and you- Inside a pantry. And they shoved you in the pantry to quiet you down? We shoved ourselves

into the pantry so that we could continue eating. We're like, we're going to bed. They left. We went went to the pantry shut the door and then i remember sitting in the pantry i do remember this distinctly is us being in the pantry thinking we were in a phone booth laughing how hard all they had all this food in this phone booth and we're like can you believe this phone booth has fucking doritos in it so then that's all i remember so then he says to me he goes there man he's really adamant so he leaves i lay back down and

i'm like i can't believe i'm being framed for this shit all of a sudden i start you ever have one of those where you should remember the dream you had last night and i distinctly remember seeing her dad in his underwear in my dream what what i'm like i'm like wait i did have a dream about her dad in his underwear that's odd whoa. Whoa. And then I was like, but he was in here yelling at me. It's not a dream. You had sex with an old man. No. What happened was, and then I start going, oh, shit, this totally did happen.

I woke up in the middle of the night, walked out to their dining room table, erect, and tried to go to the bathroom. You know how you kind of try to lean it down? So I must have been making a ton of noise at their dining room table. Pissed on their dining room table. Full blown pissed on their dining room table. You remember this now. Now I'm remembering.

I'm like, oh shit. I fucking do remember this. You remember being erect. I remember. Yeah, that's weird. I just remember trying to pee. You know how when you have one of those nights where you're in the bathroom and you're like, I can't get it.

You gotta lean forward. You gotta lean forward. So I'm leaning forward over their dining room table trying to piss making a ton of noise knocking everything off of it he comes out in his tighty whities i remember that because she came back in and i go does your dad wear tighty whities and she goes he does why and i went never mind and then you can't dream like no one wears oh so anyway how old were you i dream about tighty white uh 20s let's say 26, 25. Oh my God. So here's the worst part.

He yells at me and he goes, where the fuck, what the fuck are you doing? And I said, I'm going to bed. And he said, where's your bed? And I point to the dining room table. I go, right here. And he goes, what? So I David Blaine the tablecloth, pull it, lay on the bed, on top of their table. As you pissed at me? In my own you pissed in my own piss in my own

piss in a superman cape full of piss just lay curtain myself up to the neck go back to sleep and he gets me up and walks me into my bed and puts me back in my bed and i'm like what a nice guy it wait it gets so our relationship was fucking doomed like there was no i get up that he's a nice guy, though. He's a really nice... Larry Maddock is a saint. Because if that happened to one of my daughters in my house, I would have beat the fucking kid's ass.

So I get up... Would you really, man? No. Do it like that again, though. I would beat the fucking kid's ass. I like that. I like the passion in your voice. Have you ever considered acting?

Maybe. Maybe. I pee all the time when I'm really wasted. If I black out like drunk night i'll wake up and think like oh i have to pee right now and i always like put on a shirt the next morning like oh why does this smell like urine oh that did it again yeah i went so i do it all the time when i drink a lot so when you drink a lot you'll piss the bed i think i get confused and i wake up and i'm like i just pee on my i pee in suitcases a lot like what yeah i've heard

of really drunk people peeing in suitcases that's. What? I've peed in hampers. I've heard of really drunk people peeing in suitcases. That's actually fairly common. It happens maybe twice a year, but it still happens enough where I'm just like... Did Eddie ever do something like that? No. Eddie never did something like that. That sounds like something right up Eddie Bravo's...

Yeah, he probably peed on a fountain. Eddie used to have these blackouts that were so bad, I had to write a story about it. I wrote a blog entry called Drunk Eddie. I think I read that. Was that about when you guys were in Rome and he missed his flight? Germany. Germany? Yeah.

Well, he didn't miss his flight. He took my car to the airport. He was so hammered. And he woke up in the backseat of the car. Didn't know anything. I go downstairs. I'm like, there's a car supposed to take me to the airport for Rogan? And they go, Rogan already left.

And I go, what? He goes, yeah, long hair, tattoos. I go, motherfucker. So I call Eddie. That's not Joe Rogan. The airport's like an hour and a half away. He's only five minutes away from it by the time I call him. The car is already there.

And I'm like, what happened, man? What are you doing? He said, I don't know. I woke up in the back of this car. To be fair, he was wearing Joe's clothes, though. He was wearing an outfit that resembled me. Really? No, that one's too.

It was just a party time. I just got hammered. Some dudes, man, they just can actually forget what happened. Oh, yeah, I've definitely blacked out. I don't drink like that anymore. I have not had an episode like that in a really long time. Like years like you know what i stopped doing just the last few days like four days i stopped drinking caffeine i wish i needed to cut it all out i've never done that ever like consciously cut it out but i'm like i love coffee i like the smell of it i like the ritual of it i

i make french press coffee so i grind the beans, and I put nice water. I use clean, filtered water, and I get these Kona coffee beans from Hawaii. It's delicious. It tastes good. But, you know, you get these spikes, and then the crash is the really fucked up thing. And the last couple

of days, I've had no caffeine, like the last five, six days, and there's no crash. It's weird crash it's weird it's like you just crave anything else do you like find yourself like eating tons of chocolate no but i want to drink the coffee like and it's not that i need it it's that it's a ritual it's a it's etched in my mind like you know oh i'm at barnes and noble buying a magazine let me just get a cup of coffee i gotta take a shit if i go to barnes and noble i gotta take a shit barnes and noble has some of the worst shits ever you walk into that bathroom if you have to pee god

bless you god bless you and your nostrils you smell some coffee shits bunch of people with yeah just eating those fucking cookies and drinking coffee i can't i can't here's my problem with coffee here's why i want to cut cut it out because i have my first cup and i feel really good right then i go let's have another let's have another cup Because I have my first cup and I feel really good. Then I go, let's have another cup. Let's have another cup. So I have my other cup and then I'm like,

man, I'm fucking tweaking. I need to write. I need to get some shit done. Let's fold laundry. And then I have my third cup and now my eyes are twitching and I'm like, I don't feel so good.

I want to take a Xanax and go to bed. And I'm like, why can't I just find a happy middle ground? Yeah, it's good if you want to get something done. Like it's good.

I debated back and forth whether or not to have one right before the podcast, because it's always good to be charged up while you do the podcast. But I was like, no, let's see what happens, because I've been doing this for the past. Like I said, I guess it's probably been about five or six days now. And very little alcohol. The only alcohol I've been limiting myself to, like, one drink. One glass of wine, maybe two at the most, but that's it. I read this thing recently about drinking, about like going out and getting fucked up

and how bad it is on your muscles. Take these off before you do this. Your body's ability to recover and that it takes you three weeks to get back to 100%. Three weeks. Man, you give me 24 hours and I'm back. And there's all sorts of shit that it does. Like when you get severely dehydrated from really getting hammered and really, really hungover, there's also an effect on cerebrospinal fluid that takes two weeks to recover from.

So there's like all these different things, different processes that happen when your body gets severely dehydrated and severely fucked up from alcohol. And there's like this rebuilding process that's like, you know, it takes a long time. And if you're fucking hitting it hard all the time, you're really never giving yourself a chance to recover. That's why, you know, people look prematurely aged, you know. And I started feeling recently that like I've never taken time away from coffee. I've never taken time away from alcohol. You know, I've always done whatever I wanted to do.

If I want to have a couple of beers, I'll have a couple of beers. If I wanted to drink wine, I'll drink wine. I never thought about it. I never tried to limit myself. So there's a psychological pull. There's a problem. It's like you start thinking about it, and psychologically, you can see how people can get addicted to things.

Because psychologically, when you resist something, I went on a diet once for a little while. I tried the Atkins diet, just for a goof, just to see what it was like. That was a life fucking diet yeah it's good except it you if you cut something out of your life like pasta yeah dude that is the shit you're gonna crave in such a a rabid way man i never want cookies but i was on atkins i want cookies exactly it's easy to eat clean if you decide to eat clean but if you got some crazy law like if you have some rules and now you know you're following those you're not just eating clean you know you're following those specific rules all the things that aren't on there the things you start craving yeah the second i quit drinking i go that's when all the beer commercials look awesome yeah like man i can't i can't ever quit i can't ever quit for

good that's why i need to reel it in every now and then and go all right i need to be in control of everything so i'm gonna be a fucking alcoholic i don't want to be some lush who who you see on stage and all he does is slurs words and lays down on the stage yeah an alcohol commercial a beer commercial that's all you really need it's just that little push it's like you're what it is is you're already thinking about getting drunk that alcohol commercial like people say that targets children and it looks like what a great party yeah sorta but you know who it really targets it really targets guys who aren't partying that's it really yeah yeah i think about yeah i have that beer maybe maybe if i broke up with the wife now i'm only 50 you know i got another shot in me man i've seen some fucking old guys and

some young girls uglier than me man i was thinking that today you start thinking things like that i that but it's such a natural feeling. It's normal. It's a normal part of being a monkey. So my dad is going through like that. Your dad's ready to get some young pussy? I don't know. Bring him around the podcast.

Let's see what's up. If there's a girl out there, and there's half a million people on this podcast. There's a girl out there for him. You never know. Some girls like that. I know a girl that likes that. I'll get her on.

Smell of urine and dead sperm. I was not what I was trying to say. He had a blood infection and almost died. Whoa. Like a week ago? Two weeks ago? A week ago. So now you got that charity pussy coming your way.

I see what you're doing here. I like what you're working with. Sympathy pussy. Here it comes. That getting old shit is really in his fucking head about, fuck, it's almost over. And then it got into my head, and I was like, wow, man, I'm 39. Like, this party's coming. You're healthy, dude.

You enjoy the moment. That's the most important thing. But take care of your vehicle. The real problem with fucking alcohol is alcohol kills your vehicle. The marijuana. Don't put alcohol in your car. The best thing for your world. The body is a vehicle, Brian Redband.

The body. The human body. The problem is alcohol is fun as fuck. You know, there's very few things that are as fun as just a good night out when you're drunk with a bunch of fun friends. And you're all laughing and cracking up. And at the end of the night, you go eat somewhere stupid. Eat some greasy meat concoction with cheese and gravy. And you take your fat, stupid ass to bed.

You know, those nights are fun, man. Those are some brilliant nights. But goddamn, those Sunday mornings suck a bag. Don't they? They suck, dude. That feeling of hungover as you're headed to the airport and you can't drink enough water. Especially the Vegas ones. I think the Vegas ones are the worst.

Also, you get outside of those casinos and there's no longer oxygen pumping everywhere. Is that a myth? No, they actually do that and there's no clocks in any casinos. That's true, but don't you have a watch, you stupid fuck? No, because my watch is my iPhone and they scramble all the iPhones so none of the phones work so you have no

phone shit. Do you believe that? Do you believe they scramble the phone? Fuck yeah, I do. Really? I don't believe that they scramble it 100% but I believe that as soon as I walk in there I'll go from three bars to no service back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

Yeah, it does go back and forth. Almost like they're making your phones cut off. Yeah. So that you can just say to your wife, what, honey, honey, I'm by the tables. I'll call you in an hour. You motherfucker. No, it's a good thing for that.

You're gonna give a lot of money away. And they set those places up like you get lost in them. Oh, yeah. Like all the carpets fucking confusing. Yeah, and there's a maze. You realize you're going through all those machines. They're not set up in some sort of an orderly way that's easy to see from space. No, there's a goddamn maze.

It's like the maze of The Shining. That's exactly what it's like. They want to get you in there and hopefully suck everything out of you suck the money out of you either through your balls there's hookers in those mazes or suck the money out through the machines we had a hooker one time in vegas not had a hooker but we had a hooker uh proposition me and my buddy eddie and and my and she was the one of the hottest chicks i've ever seen in my life and my buddy eddie was like how much and she was like 1300 i can't uh yeah because i'm uh because i'm trying to drive home tonight this is good for driving yeah it's just a cigarette yeah until i go wow my feet feel like they're glued into the space weed it's good for driving this is this makes you think you're not even driving anymore man driving here

on the whatchamacallit i was like felt like was in a video game. It's called a highway, son. Who's the stoned one? Huh? Yeah, what is that? You know, driving in on that whatchamacallit. I was in that thing that I always get onto. That newfangled hard surface the earth is using. It's the thing I put the alcohol in all the time. All those new monkeys. My vehicle. The new monkeys that are transporting

themselves in a much more rapid way. They have this hard surface. What is it called? Whatever, whatever. Anyway. Point being. point being what marijuana fucks my driving up i could never i could never drive high really how can you drive i do jujitsu well i don't drive that high i'll be here for a few hours i um i'm pretty sober by the time i actually leave but i do jujitsu high i do a lot of things i do comedy high do sugar stop your buzz but also you don't have to realize I have a high tolerance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you're smoking, like my last year of college, I was smoking a lot of weed.

And I could smoke all night long and be fine. But now if I took a hit, I definitely feel it. Especially I think weed was different back then too. Weed's good for you. Bert Kreischer, let me tell you something. Don't listen to me. Don't follow my advice because it's faulty. It's a lot of trial and

error and I've made quite a few errors. I'm not saying I'm right about everything, but I'm right about this. Weed, my friend. Look, I'm not right about everything, but I'm definitely right about this. Weed, my friend, is good for you. And what you are afraid of with weed is what we all need. We all need a little humility.

We all need to be terrified by the matrix we all need a view of the great beyond and what weed gives you is a terrifying feeling of of your mortality it gives you a feeling of insecurity a feeling of what you call paranoia but because what it is is you've dropped all the blinders all around you and you realize how ridiculous this proposition is, period. There is no way around the fact that it's ridiculous. We are, in fact, just one part of a universe. It's above our head.

There's no actual ending to any of it. And it just goes, and we're a part of it and we're floating in it and we're only here for a little bit. And we don't know what we're doing. And everybody knows as much as you do. And you don't know anything. I mean, there's people who know more facts facts they know more about the laws of physics they know more about but the purpose of it all or where it ends or what's for what what is there a meaning to this is this just a device to move entropy forward is this a device for innovation what are what are the humans what

is this life yeah no one knows not a fucking one no one That's why you need marijuana. It's out. Shit. Marijuana lets you know, man. I gotta let it. That's what a beer commercial is. It lets you know, dude. That's why you need marijuana commercials. It's not bad for you. It's just bad for pharmaceutical companies. Yeah. Those fuckheads. It's supposed to be America, land of the free, home of

the brave. You're locking people up for a plant that makes you silly? There's nothing fucking free or brave about that. That's bitch moves, right? That's a bitch move. That's the only person who would lock you up for weed. You know? I mean, if you had to create your own society, if it was Burt World, and you had, you know,

there's 100 people, and you claimed that you were the king of Burt World, and you got to establish all the laws. Could you imagine if you said no pot? You'd be like, fuck you, Burt. Yeah. got to establish all the laws could you imagine if you said no pot you'd be like fuck you Burt yeah that's a lot yeah a hundred people I make everyone shave their heads I think we all need to live like they live in Afghanistan man just warlords warlords residing over small pieces of land do you think you'd be a warlord I don't know I'd work for one maybe that's better you don't want to be the guy in front you don't want to be the figurehead you know you don't want to be Bush you'd front. You don't want to be the figurehead. You don't want to be Bush. You'd rather be Dick Cheney. You know what I'm saying?

So you'd find a warlord in your community? What I would do is I would teach the warlord jiu-jitsu or something. I'd hang out with the warlord. You'd be a blacksmith. Make one of those samurai swords where they fold the blade over and over again. I would take a trade. That's what I would do.

What I'm saying is that I think we really would be better off. If you want to have any government at all, it should be very local, but just a small group. And then the only time the federal comes in is when the groups start arguing. And then the federal comes in and goes, dudes, relax. We're all here temporarily. Keep it together. Hundreds of people, not millions.

I wonder what I'd do in a warlord. Brian, where do you think you'd fit in in a warlord society? You would dominate, for Christ's sake. What are you talking about? You'd be the life of the party. I'd be the life of the party. I wonder what I'd do in a warlord. Brian, where do you think you'd fit in in a warlord society? You would dominate, for Christ's sake. What are you talking about? You'd be the life of the party. I'd be the life of the party. I'd be the guy by the fire. Lighting the fire first.

Putting it out at the end of the night. Like going, I don't know why I'm all of a sudden in a fucking village with a fire. I'm sure we still have houses. Because that makes for an awesome story. Yeah. That's why Conan the Barbarian was always cool. I would make saddles. When I was 13 years old, when I became addicted to Conan the Barbarian books the robert e howard books really you ever read them no i didn't know

there were books oh brilliant brilliant books we've talked about them a few times so conan wasn't a man of much words like what would they did they just write was a lot of like narrative oh that's not not necessarily true in the the books he talked really but the adventures were so fucking deep it was all about this guy named robert e howard and what's that guy's name that's on um he was in um he was in full metal jacket he played pile and full metal jacket all of them wait vincent d'onofrio vincent d'onofrio thank you very much yeah vincent d'onofrio played this guy robert e howard in a movie about his life because robert e howard was this like really eccentric eccentric character who wrote all these fantastic novels of fantasy.

But lived with his mother in his 30s and shot himself, killed himself. But he was responsible for Conan the Barbarian and Kroll the Conqueror and all these different fantasy books this dude wrote. They were fucking awesome, dude. When you're 13, it's a 13-year-old boy's version of Twilight. That's what it's a 13-year-old boy's version of Twilight. Yeah. That's what it's like. They're just these fantastic fucking stories of sorcerers and fucking sword fights and demons, and it's just awesome shit.

Man, that's... And you read that? I never read shit in 13. Oh, dude. Those were the books, man. I read that was then. This is now in 13. You ever watch that Swan Lake

or the little mouse that rode the motorcycle? No. Ralph? that was then. This is now at 13. That was my shit. You ever watch Swan Lake or The Little Mouse That Rode Their Motorcycle? No. Ralph? You never got into comic books or anything? No, I never read a comic book in my life. Really? What about you, Brian? You got into comics.

Yeah, yeah. I actually just read The Walking Dead. I read the whole shit. Oh, my God. And then I started watching it. I just watched the first episode. It's so fucking good. It follows the comic almost exactly.

The timeline's a little switched around, but it's so amazing how well they did that. It's so good. That's the only show I'm watching these days. The only fiction show I'm watching.

Really? Yeah, Walking Dead. I tried to get into everything. I gave up. Well, I still like Breaking Bad. Next time I'm getting my tattoo finished, I'm going to go back

and watch the rest of Breaking Bad. I thought you were going to get a Breaking Bad tattoo right on your chest. Yeah, man. I'm going to get a meth pipe on my shoulder blade. Let everybody know I'm down to fucking party.

I saw some new dude, some new white rap dude on TV last night. Last night, I was up late at night watching the Pac-Man fight. I had it on DVR. I hadn't watched it yet. Yeah? Versus Blinky? No. What? One and well. How dare you? That was a really good one, bro. DVR. I hadn't watched it yet. Versus Blinky? No.

Juan Manuel. That was a really good one, bro. See, that's the reason he keeps putting these bombs out there. Because every now and then, he hits one out of the park. Juan Manuel Marquez. Anyway. They had this awesome fight, and I still hadn't watched it, so I was up watching it.

What the hell were we talking about? What was the point? I don't know. Pac-Man? up Watching it And What was What the hell Were we talking about What was the point I don't know Pac-Man No it was before Pac-Man What was the Breaking Bad tattoo

You're getting your tattoos The only shows you watch God damn it I completely forgot What I was talking about Can someone tweet us real quick And tell us What we were talking about

We smoked too much pot folks It helps And it hurts It's there And yet it's not It's ethereal I apologize It's probably my yet it's not. It's ethereal. I apologize. It's probably my fault. How's it your fault? Because I brought a pack. You definitely threw

us off the fucking... You did, but it was worth doing. It was worth doing. You were the one on the fucking Nina the Pint in the Santa Maria going, look, guys, a whale! And Columbus was like, huh? It was something I was watching on TV. That's what I was talking about. Oh, this new white rapper. Thank you. Some guy has got a song. I don't know who he is. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is some guy.

He's got a song. I don't know who he is. I don't know, but he was with that Birdman guy. Manny? Do you know who the Birdman guy is? Fresh. The guy from... Fresh.

Manny Fresh from the Hot Boys. Yes. Yes. Yeah. And apparently that guy is like the number one guy in the car game. Interesting. You know what that means? Yeah.

He always has the freshest cars. Yeah, his cars are ridiculous. I've seen articles about him in Dub Magazine. He should. He stole all the money from Juvie. He gets a million dollars worth of cars every year, plus every year, just new cars constantly. Really?

He hooks them up, makes them super stereos, badass rims, customizes, custom colors. Like a white rapper. Like a white rapper that you were talking about well no that's the story that you're yeah yeah this guy's in the video with him right no so he's in the video and this there's this new guy and he's like who in the club doesn't give a fuck like that's like essentially the song and the guy's like got all these crazy tattoos all over his body and i'm looking at this birdman guy and he has this uh star tattooed on his head he's got

like something tattooed on his face he's got like teardrops tattooed, and he has this star tattooed on his head. He's got something tattooed on his face. He's got teardrops tattooed, and he's got a star tattooed on the top of his head. Brian, can you pull up an image of him? Yeah. The recent images you want, because I'm sure he gets tattooed a lot. He's just a crazy fucking guy. And I'm watching this. Take off parental controls and do recent.

I'm watching. Search likebrian.com, by the way. What am I searching for? You're searching for Birdman tattoos, top of head. Look for that. And I'm watching this. I'm like, wow, this is some crazy music. I'm like, I wonder what my grandfather would think.

If my grandfather, who came here from Italy in the 1930s, I think he came. Maybe it was the 1920s. Came to America from Italy. I you know he was like into Sinatra and shit go over his house they'd be playing opera music I wonder what how alien that would be for him they're like if he could be my age if he could be in his 40s sitting in front of the TV I bet he's watching absolutely hysterically I bet he think it was a joke I bet he'd, I bet he'd look at it and go, like, really go get a gut laugh and go, I can't believe, this is hilarious.

I wish. I don't think you would have taken it that well. I don't think you would have taken it that well. I think you would have been very upset. No, don't put butthole in there. Fucker. Hey, Brian. Brian, Olive Garden.

There, I already said it. Now you can't say it. Go fuck yourself. Oh, that's his star tattoo? How about that? Are you kidding me? Yeah, he's got a bunch. Sometimes, I already said it. Now you can't say it. Go fuck yourself. Oh, that's his star tattoo? How about that? Is this what you're getting? Are you kidding me? Yeah, he's got a bunch.

Sometimes too far east is west. Isn't that nuts? Homeboy's crazy. That's wild, man. He's got stars tattooed all over his head. I don't understand what the... Look at it. He's got writing on his head.

Man, him and... Whoa! Get some more face tattoos. Move up face tattoo. Because I think he's got something big on his cheek, too. Man, I was googling Wayne's tattoos, because Wayne's tattoos are crazy, too. Lil Wayne. Oh, yeah.

Those guys are wild. And then I got into the UFC guy with the swastika tattooed on his stomach. You know who I'm talking about? No. Who got a swastika? Look at it. No. Back up one.

Brian, back up. Oh, my God. No, no, no, not him. There was one. There was Birdman is above you. It's above you. Right there. See that?

Click that. Birdman is the lighter skin black ball. Oh, you've got fucked. This is probably not what you're looking for, but here's a virus, bitch. I have a Mac. Oh, wait, you have a Mac. The viruses don't work. Amazing how many PC

people want to still stick with PCs after that. Dude, trust me, man. The moment the numbers of Mac users, the moment they get up to a certain amount where it's worthy of their time, then they'll start riding viruses. I don't understand.

But they don't have it now, dummy. What do you care? You can get them now where there's no viruses. That's better. Whoa. No, there's another side to his head. The other side's got a bunch of shit, too. I would love to be his nurse.

The other side's got something on his cheek right there. That one right there. Boom. Fucking shit. I'd love to be his nurse if he was in a coma and just read him.

Read him? Yeah, like just look at his body while he's out. Oh, yeah, so you don't have to worry about him getting angry at you. And just read everything about his body and have one of his friends to explain oh cmh is the neighborhood in new orleans we grew up in this is him yeah cash money hoes it's a it's a weird way of living man i mean they they're making uh like they're making

a living a sensational one out of just living big. I mean, that's what they're offering. They're talking about how big they're living, showing you how they don't give a fuck, getting tattoos on their head, driving around Bentleys. What, bitch? Literally. Yeah, exactly.

Stop me. Stop me from winning. I dare you. Look at his fucking face. That's before the stars on the head. Yeah. That's the one, man. He's got something on his face. He's crying. That means he's killed three rainbows. Yeah. That's the one, man. He's got something on his face.

He's crying. That means he's killed three rainbows. Yeah, but there's something on his cheek that you're not catching in that picture. There's something written on his cheek. It's hard to see in that picture. But in the video, you kind of see it. He's got, you know, essentially got writing all over his face. He really does have writing all over his face.

He's a wild dude. I've been wanting to get a tattoo lately. What do you want to get? How about the squirrel with the beer? I would have to get sleeved. What was your first one? You didn't have any on news radio, right? No, I had one that I got.

It was like the graphics logo. I remember. It was very similar. It was like a demon with a jester's hat on. I was a retard. I was like 23 or something like that when I got that. With a jester's hat? Yeah, I was such a dummy. And I still have it. You want to see it?

Yeah, I forgot. You still have it. For some reason, I thought you got it covered up. Oh, shut up! Yeah, I drew it, actually. Oh, that's right. It's actually a pretty cool tattoo for 1989. Show the camera.

Oh, okay. I drew that in. Oh, fuck. I got caught up here. I drew that in whatever it was when I had it done. I guess it was probably like 1990 or something. I guess it's not a good idea to mix electricity with the new studio. I like this new studio a lot.

Everything's under control. We got it handled. What are you doing your next hour? I don't know, man. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Hopefully soon. I think I might do it Louis C.K. style. I like the way he's doing it, man. He's just releasing it on the internet.

That's really the smart way to do it. I want to figure out if there's a way to do that. How much would you charge? Five bucks? Two bucks? Yeah, five bucks is good. Five bucks. You can stream it live.

Or it doesn't matter. It doesn't have to be live. You should be able to just get it whenever you want it. Just make it a podcast, but a paid one on iTunes, like a rental. That's sort of a good idea, but i would have to set it up correctly can i tell you i mean good cameras and you know make sure it's directed well you know that's kind of a part of a stand-up it's like when you watch a stand-up special what's really cool is a special but what's really underrated is like all the people that do it behind the scenes like the guy

who directs the ufc is a very good friend of mine, Anthony Giordano, and he's the one who did my special too. But he's a guy who understands how to make something look cool, how to cut things, how to shoot things, bring some life to it. Not just here, record this, but record this and put it into focus in an artistic way that makes it more exciting. Yeah. Heffron and I were talking about doing dates together in February.

Oh, really? That's awesome. I don't know. I think Dorfman's brother I love Hefron. He's a great guy to have on the road with you, too. He's a great guy. And he's put together... What's that? Nothing.

Am I talking into it wrong? Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ. We were talking into it wrong? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like you were trying to suck a dick. Jesus Christ. So, yeah, we were talking about doing dates in February. You turned it that way on purpose. Did I? Yeah, you were getting really upset during when we were talking earlier. You blacked out, bro.

Peed all over the table. Fucking pissed all over me. You don't remember? No, I don't. Man. Yeah, you had a boner. I had a dream. It was huge.

It was a huge boner. Do you guys wear tighty-whities? No, I don't. I've been going back to the tighter ones lately because I did boxers for like 10 or 15 years, but it was just too dangerous. Boxers entangled with your dick, and you're waking up, and you're like, why is my dick asleep? And then you realize your boxer's all wrapped up.

I wear the tighty-whity style, but I wear black underwear because I don't want to see my fart stains. Yeah, yeah. I do. I do a splattered paint look. I don't want to be reminded of it. Look, this is just a part of being a human being. You've got to pretend that hole that shit comes out of,

that occasionally air doesn't leak out of there, and occasionally it stains your underwear. Are we playing games here? Are we going to ducks here? Why are you giving me white underwear? Is this a fucking test that I can't win? Am I supposed to say yes? Yeah, there's yellow by my dick. That's because my dick drips piss, okay?

What am I supposed to do? Get toilet paper out and dab it? No, I'm a man. I stick it back in my pants, and then we clean the fucking underwear, and in a couple months, I buy new pairs! That's right. Amen, brother. Black ones. Amen. Black ones. And I don't need a fucking hole. Somebody please provide a solid

pair of underwear without that dick hole that dick hole is useless it's just more embarrassing than anything like you're fucking getting a UPS guy looks of your penises the only way you should use that dick hole is if you have ugly ugly balls if you have some like pomegranate looking balls if you have some deal breaker balls

you're like listen baby I got a pretty dick but I got some balls that will scare the fucking paint off your car you don't want to you don't want to scare off the listen baby you can see my balls eventually but right now here's my deck oh it's a beautiful dick it's a glowing sword of passion lust oh my god but then you see the balls they're just like troll eyeball my balls are horrible and they drip they're leaking my balls are so. And they drip. They're leaking. My balls are so bad. How bad are they? Bad. What's wrong with them? The ball stops at, say, like four inches, five, but the scrotum keeps going to like seven.

That's because you have a lot of potential for manliness. What it is is like, say, if you went to a surgeon and they were going to give you artificial breasts, they would make a nice deep pocket for a good set of double Ds. You've got to create some space. And that's what it is. You just got a lot of room. Nice. That makes me feel a lot better about my balls.

People think you could have like giant balls. You could be totally running shit. That'd be great if a doctor told you that. He'd give you an excruciating exam. He's like, man, you're going to be a great man. This is what he says to you. He says you have the potential to be the greatest American ever. We measure potential ball size.

What it counts in America is how big are your balls. That's really what we admire in people. If you really want to get real, what we admire is how big are your balls. What are you willing to do? How crazy are you willing to get?

That's why a show like Jackass works. That's why stand-up comedy works. That's why fighting works. That's why anything crazy. How crazy are you willing to get? I was watching this show where they were talking about

this guy who died recently who was a professional snowboarder. Apparently, he caused an avalanche. I think I heard about this guy. I believe it was... I mean, it's happened more than one time where these extreme athlete snow guys...

They go back country and dropped off in a helicopter. Yeah, man. Like, whoa. What the fuck, dude? That's as real as it gets oh dude for a sport have you seen you i think the only reason i take this i say i say to you have you seen but the only reason i probably saw it is because of your news feed on twitter have you seen the guy in the

squirrel outfit jump off the fucking thing and miss the ground yes miss the ground by like six fucking feet oh my god it's incredible and he's going 100 miles an hour oh that is one of the most amazing videos i've ever seen. It's insane. What are those called? Wing suits? Squirrel outfits. Squirrel outfits.

Squirrel outfits? I think they're called squirrel suits. That's what it looks like. It looks like a flying squirrel. Yeah. It's incredible. It's one of the baddest things I've ever seen in my life. You have to be absolutely fucking fearless to do that.

Because one mistake, one miscalculation of the terrain, where you don't pull up in time and you slam into the fucking mountain. You're done, son. At 100 miles an hour. You are flying. That is a game changer. What a crazy idea. Who is the motherfucker that tested that out?

Oh, that... When I jumped out of a plane with Rachel Ray, I was fucking hardcore panicked. Oh, you should be. But I was like, man, when you're screaming at the earth at 100 miles an hour, there is a fucking surreal moment

where you go, all right, this is it. Oh, my God. If this shoot doesn't open, it doesn't open, and I die with some dude strapped on me like a rape harness.

Some horrible fucking... And Rachel Ray goes home and eats pie. Rachel is a gangster. Rachel does that shit. Yeah. He's got my back. He's got your back permanently. Yeah.

He's stapled to your back. He's literally harnessed into you where you can't get rid of the guy. And it's the most uncomfortable position to have a man in. Sitting on a man's dick on the flight up to get to 13,000 feet so you can jump out. And you're trying to have your own little moment, but you got some East German with his arms around you, holding on to you, like going, let's tighten you up, tighten you up, tighten you up. Dude, what a crazy fucking activity. You, but that is what...

26 people died, and it was like 2006 was the last year we looked at it. An alarming amount of people die skydiving. Yeah. An alarming, like when you, that morning I woke up, I was at the W in Union Square. Beautiful hotel. And I think, what could go wrong? I'm going to just check the odds and see how many people die skydiving. And they were like, up to this year.

Mind you, it's like fucking August. And they're like, 46. And I was like, 40 fucking six? That's a lot of people. I'm not comfortable with those odds. And that is in a year? In a year. In a year. And then you see a year? In a year. In a year.

And then you see a video. They show you a video and they go, it's an old dude and he goes, you have to know you're entering into an activity that is likely to cause death. You may die today. And you're like, wait, why would I want to do this? It's not that cool. Yeah, it's not that fun. Like, I don't want to fucking die.

But then you do it and you you land, and you live, and there is a week where you feel like you have a secret that no one knows. Like a fucking week where you are the most powerful human being in your head. You see movies where a guy's running across the top of the thing, and in your head you go, I could do that. I jumped out of a fucking plane. Really? You feel limitless.

You feel like you've climbed the tallest mountain. You jumped out of a fucking plane. Like you feel limitless. You feel like you've climbed the tallest mountain. You jumped out of a fucking plane and you lived. You beat the odds. You fucking won. And then you get addicted to that. And I know Rachel and I have been doing some crazy shit, like just doing some bizarre shit lately. And in February, we're going swimming with sharks. And I was like in the cage.

And she goes, fuck it, out of the cage. So we're going swimming with sharks out of the cage. And then we're gonna do whoa whoa what's going on with you and Rachel Ray yeah I've been doing

I've been doing does she make you do a lot of Jaeger bombs and then like you're like hey let's do these things do you have a blackout it's only really nice wine

I have blacked out with Rachel yeah Rachel Ray's peeing on you no no do you have a Rachel Ray blackout I've definitely we partied in Mexico you blacked out with her

you blacked out with her before we partied in Mexico me and her and her husband and we killed I killed I will say I because I don't want anyone to think that she drinks a lot. But I murdered some wine, like nice wine, in her room with her husband. Did he comb your hair? Did he comb your hair?

Is this a cuckold story? No, no, no, no. Very cool people. That's what it is. Very cool. You docked with us. You docked with us, gentlemen. I understand.

If you want to keep the party going, you have to tell no tales. I understand. Listen, I would do the exact same, you have to tell no tales. I understand. Listen, I would do the exact same thing if I was you. I love Rachel and I love John. Who doesn't love Rachel May? Ray. Yeah, but if her and her husband makes me some lasagna and we're in a hotel room, I'm not going to fuck the guy. She looks like she's got a great personality.

She's a lot of fun. She's a human being. She seems like a fun person to be around. She's a blast. She doesn't seem negative at all. Not in one part. Yeah, I don't think I hear... She's a rare person, too, that's like a celebrity that you don't hear people criticizing that much.

I don't really hear people talk shit about Rachel Ray. No one does. They like her. She's great. She has a loft down in Soho. You go over. She has parties. Really?

They videotape the whole shit for her show. And then she'll cut the cameras. And then she'll be like, let's talk shit. I saw Ricky Gervais the other night just like really gossip about comedy about comedy

yeah she loves comedy she fucking loves comedy and I guarantee you I guarantee you she's on a treadmill or an elliptical right now listening to this oh shit

if you had another life yes I love these I love these if you know if young Burt had gone left instead of right

yeah one day you know just by some weird stroke of luck, a 30-year-old Bert meets who knows how old she was. You're both single. Yeah. What do you think, man? It's happening.

You think that would have been... Like if we're not famous? If you guys had met... Not that I'm famous, but I'm saying just on parallel universes, I meet her at a bar. Right. That's your dream girl? She your dream girl? She's...

Be careful. Your mother's... Your wife. I know. My wife she's she's be careful your mother's your wife i know my wife's listening your mother your mother i'll tell you this and your son rachel's the kind of chick that you who's got a son i got a son you don't know about him yet oh my god she's the kind of chick that i will say that any dude that met her in a bar would love her in a heartbeat. She's fun. She's so cool. Does that threaten your wife that you talk about her like this?

Yeah. Really? Yeah. Damn. Because there's nothing, you can't say anything bad about her. And usually I'm pretty honest about everyone and I'll find something that I go, oh yeah, but you wouldn't like this about her. But with Rachel, it's like everything you love, you love everything about her.

She's cool. She fucking gets it. You can tell a joke to her like we got two bodyguards to go to mexico we each got bodyguards and then oh it's so scary oh it's oh it's so great whoa and so and i told her i said what is that who are the bodyguards mine was edgar and hers was i think you ever worry that the bodyguards have like sold information because they've seen bert the conqueror and they want you to do a bunch of shit around their house i've dealt with cartels i didn't speak any english no none but i said as a joke i go oh let's take our bodyguards down to the beach and make them fight and she laughed she was like it would be fucking hilarious like like as a joke right right but but

you tell it to some people in the industry and they'd be like come on man let's not be disrespectful they're working very hard they tell you the politically right answer. She just laughed and she's like, oh, that'd be funny. Like, just a real cool... Wait a minute. You're talking about

two trained killers. Two trained killers. It's natural to see which one would kill the other one. I know. There's nothing wrong with that. I wanted to take him down to the beach. She's correct in her interest

and so are you. Doesn't mean they should do it. And then we get to pistol whip the loser. Whoa. That's where you want to cross the line, mister. Not with me. Really? There's no line? Come on, man. We loser. Whoa. That's where you went across the line, mister. Not with me.

Really? Oh, come on, man. We're in Mexico. Shit's going down. Do you think it's weird that there's a third world country that's connected to us? I mean, how crazy is that? We got fucking everything over in Afghanistan right now. You know?

Yeah. Think about all the soldiers we have over there. Meanwhile, right next door is a third world country with a drug war going on. It's like having ripped arms and a perfect chest, but then just a gut. Like, no... Yeah, and a rotten asshole. And a small dick. Yeah, a broken small dick.

A small dick that doesn't even work. Like, we cut it off. Like, it goes, it goes, it goes, money, money, money, money, money, money, stop! Yeah. Like, you do not get the money. Well, there is money in Mexico, but, you know,, money, stop. You do not get the money. Well, there is money in Mexico, but the big Mexico City and stuff like that. There's really nice sections of Mexico City. We were in San Miguel Allende, and it was very fucking nice.

They showed the HBO special, the 24-7 with Pacquiao and Marquez. And they showed Mexico City. Mexico City is like a real city. It's a high-end city. It's fucking huge. I think Mexico City is the biggest city, in fact, in the world. It's really high up. The altitude is high as shit.

Mexico City is, really? I'm guessing. You might have just made that up. I know that the air quality there is fucking terrible. So then it's really hard to breathe. I think it's a smog issue. It's real bad. There's more people in Mexico City, I think, than any other city in the world.

I might be out of line, though. I think it's close, though, whatever it is. It's top. It's right up there. But it's bigger than any of the American the world. I might be out of line, though. I think it's close, though. Whatever it is, it's top. It's right up there. But it's bigger than any of the American cities. It's a massive fucking city. Yeah. And, I mean, you figure the quality of life there, it's got to suck, right?

Well, in some areas, yeah. I mean, they showed Juan Manuel Marquez's place. He had a fucking Mercedes and a Porsche. How do you have that right next to all that shit? You've got to live dangerously, son, because you're flaunting in front of a large population of have-nots. A large population of have-nots who don't, who I'm assuming they're have-nots,

are ten times worse than our have-nots. Yeah, the difference between a Marquez who's rich in America. Juan Manuel Marquez is a world champion boxer, a famous athlete in his country, loved by millions of people, one of the toughest boxers on the fucking planet. In this country, in America, he's rich as fuck. In America, he's made millions of dollars.

In Mexico, that must be staggering. The difference between him and, in america him and a minimum wage worker is substantial but it's almost you could see it in the distance somehow it's possible yeah insurmountable in mexico in mexico it's insurmountable it's insane it's impossible how could someone stay in mexico and you know and you know what are the percentages of earning the amount of money that this guy's earned like this is insane and so for him to be flaunting like in mexico it's like wow it's a it seemed to me i don't know anything about the culture i really but you know what i bet i bet seemed extravagant but i bet what we're not putting into this is that he is a mexican hero yeah he's a hero no one's fucking with him because

he is the golden boy to them because he represents them every fucking day. The guy who came from nothing, who got somewhere. And I bet that is what keeps him safe. I bet no one touches him because they go, what, are we going to fucking take away our Adam Rodriguez, whatever the fuck that guy's name is. Juan Manuel Marquez. No, no, I meant like our Derek Jeter. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he is.

He's a badass motherfucker. And he fights for the pride of Mexico, too, along with it. And he's a Mexican boxer, man. Those Mexican boxers are fucking gangster. Punch me, beat me, and you will not knock me out. Yeah, they've been some of the best fighters ever. Julio Cesar Chavez in his prime is probably one of my all-time favorite boxers to watch because he would just beat dudes down with volume punching.

He wouldn't punch like even like full blast 100 he wouldn't like engage in wild slugfest he would just fucking methodically move and throw beatings on dudes and hit him with body shots and break guys just slowly slowly break guys you know and even guys that were more talented than him like the did you see the meldrick taylor fight and uh wait meldrick tayeldrick-Taylor is the guy who can barely speak now? Dude, yeah. Dude, dude, dude, dude. What a fight that was.

What a war that was. Yeah, I did see that. Meldrick-Taylor was boxing Julio Cesar Chavez's face off for most of the 12-round fight. And then towards the end, Chavez connects and starts connecting on him in the final round and nails him with a right hand and drops him. He gets up with like three seconds to go or something crazy like that on the clock.

Richard Steele waves it off, and he calls the fight. So Chavez came from this beating by this young, incredibly fast, like technically sound Olympic boxer where he was just getting lit up. And it looked like, wow, he's just too good. He's too good. He's too fast. But Chavez just slowly kept methodically breaking him down, slowly breaking him down to the body,

and then eventually overcame him in the very last seconds of the fight. Overcame him and would have for sure stopped him. If Richard Steele made him stand up again, it didn't matter. He would have stopped him. He would have jumped on him again. Eight seconds is not enough. He wouldn't have lasted. He was done. Or whatever it was. Even if it was two or one seconds, it didn't matter. He would have stopped him. He would have jumped on him again. Eight seconds is not enough. He wouldn't have lasted. He was done.

Or whatever it was. Even if it was two or one seconds, it was the right call. Meldrick Taylor was fucked up. He was pissing blood. And he was never the same again. And if you watch videos of him, he stalks with a pronounced, staggering stutter. That is one of the most obvious examples of a fighter who has a really tough fight,

like an all-time epic battle, and then essentially never reaches that performance level again. And you don't know whether or not it's physical, like it took a lot out of their body, which does play a factor of a real big beating like that, I mean a real war. That can really, those body shots that Chavez hit him with over and over again that could really wreck havoc on you and then you also got to consider his motivation when a guy gets beat up sometimes they don't have the zest and the fire that they had when they were undefeated and they thought they were unstoppable that's me yeah piss strong dudes man they just fucking you know young and full of confidence they got the world oh fuck yeah they feel like there's i've run into so many guys,

especially in the UFC, these young guys with this incredible confidence, incredible confidence. And then you see them have a really tough fight. You'll see them have a really tough fight. And then you'll see them re-engage

and sort of look at this a little bit different and go, okay, you know what? Everybody's vulnerable. Okay, let's not get crazy here. Let's not do something stupid. If we're going to do this, let's do this intelligently. And the ones that think that way, they have a long life in the sport.

And the ones that don't, those are the ones that they have a few epic contests where they essentially have a really, really difficult time recovering from, whether it's psychologically, whether it's physically. Those really, really tough ones. Those are the hard ones to come back from. Getting your ass kicked is more psychological, I think.

It is, but it's important for people too. It's a humility thing. You need to know that that's possible to you. You can't always be the hammer. And for a lot of young, fast people, especially, a lot of young athletic people, they're always the hammer. You get used to being the hammer. You're terrified of being the nail.

And once you've taken some shots before and you understand, like this is a give and receive, bitch. This isn't just a give. And sometimes you're going to get fucked up, just like the way you like to fuck up other people. Sometimes you're going to. And as long as we can accept that and understand that, then you can look at this whole thing rationally.

And instead of thinking with this crazy confidence that you're on top. So, guys, games change. And they can change for the better or it can change for the worse, all dependent on how committed they are to their goals. I thought I was a badass at 15. Like, badass. Why'd you think that? I don't know.

Because I hadn't been beaten up. I was terrified at 15. Really? Afraid of everybody. Really? Yeah. Man, and you were taking it. That's when I really got into Taekwondo.

Yeah, I just thought I was tough. I was big. Like, I was a bigger kid. Like, I was in the top of the level of the height and size, and I just thought I was tough. And then you get your dick knocked in the dirt a couple times, and you're like, okay. I got humiliated in what wasn't really a fight. It wasn't a fight, but it was a bigger kid who just did something to me.

Peed on you? No, he wrestled me to the ground. He hip-tossed me to the ground. We were just playing around. I don't remember what started off. I wasn't really that friendly with him, but I was like, hey, what's up? You know, it was one of those things. And somehow or another, we were in the locker room, like, leaving.

And we said something, and we were joking around. And he pushed me, and I pushed him back. We grabbed each other, and he hip-tossed me on the ground and just laid on top of me for a couple seconds. And I couldn't get up. Like, I didn't know how to get up. And then he let me up, and he laughed about it. It wasn't really a fight, but he humiliated me.

But it was enough that you weren't cool with it. I wasn't cool with the fact that he could do that. I was like, shit. That guy just fucking threw me on the ground, and I couldn't do a thing about it. So then I started wrestling. That's when I took wrestling. Seriously? Yeah.

I was like, that was ridiculous. Because I had an inflated sense of what I could do physically. Because I thought that physically, I'm a really strong guy. I know how to strike. If anyone wants to get in a fight, I'll fucking kick you in the balls. You have all these stupid ideas in your head of what you're going to do, why you're a badass. Then some guy just hip tosses you and lays on top of you. And you're like, I can't get this guy off me.

I couldn't get him off me. I just couldn't. I had to give up. And he let me up. But it was a huge eye-opener. Luckily, he was a nice guy. He didn't beat me up or anything, which had me down. But it was a good eye-opening message.

That's so funny because I had practiced. None of the real striking. I had practiced the talking before the fight. You were good at that? I would do it in my mirror. You told me you did. Yes, I'd be like, you want a fucking piece of this?

I'll fuck you up. I'll fuck you up three ways from Sunday. You want me on? And I would just, I would practice it and I would like shirt off and like flex. Every kid did that.

Every one of our kids, all our guys in like, there was a gang called the Cavemen. You were in a gang? No, no, no. I wasn't. Well, I was. I was in a gang called EBU. The Cavemen? There was a gang called the Cavemen. You were in a gang? No, no, no. I wasn't. Well, I was. I was in a gang called EPU.

A roller skating gang. The Cavemen? There was a gang called the Cavemen in Tampa. And the Cavemen were like these public school kids, but from the rich public school. And they were just getting fights all the time with Jesuit kids. I went to Jesuit. And I was in a gang. Not a gang, but a club called EPU.

And EPU and Cavemen fought all the time. So from my junior year until my senior year even my sophomore year you always had to be aware of the cavemen and so like you'd go to a party and a fight would break out and it would be the cavemen and so then that's when I I was like I was like that's it I gotta learn how to fight but I never really learned how to fight I just learned how to talk shit so and but and then what was your opening move just to be loud and crazy man let them know that you're in for some dangerous shit I remember the first time I ever What was your opening move Just to be loud and crazy Man Let them know

That you're in for some dangerous shit I remember the first time I ever punched someone It was The first time I ever punched someone Was a black dude It was Then another gang

I think from Robinson I think it was called You were in a gang No no no I wasn't in a gang I was just in a club Okay I was in a

After school club At my school And everyone okay i was in a uh after school club at my school and everyone else had gangs but then our after school club was the one that got involved with gangs because but it wasn't even gangs it wasn't even gangs it was just fucking high school kids it wasn't like real gangs so nobody got killed no one got killed just guys this fights definitely guys got beat up and then there was one like gang from i think robinson i think they were called TWT together we thumped were you affiliated

with anybody no no no yeah well yeah I was a part of this like EPU group what is the EPU E Pluribus Unum it's on the penny

ours had like some Latin significance to it everyone else was like TWT together we thump the cavemen so you weren't a gang

not gang is a very strong word for what we were. We were a group of guys who all went to school together who, like, the guys played football and baseball and wrestled. And we were, like, the cooler guys at our school. And we were in this group called EPU that was a sanctioned group by the school. You had initiations where you got paddled. And you initiated into it.

But it just happens that the one guy, the head of EPU in like 1988, got into a fight with the cavemen, and so all the fucking, EPU always fought cavemen, EPU fought whoever, Wooden Robinson or Hillsborough, and so at a young age, you realize you had to stay away from those fucking people, so the first punch I ever thought, so it was, I heard a fight, this is a story I've told on stand-up many a time, the the short the short honest version of it is i was at a party someone yelled fight and i thought all of epu all my friends were going to come and watch it and i rolled out and it's it's one caveman right and

the whole twt together we thought posse like it's all black dudes and one white caveman and i stick my head in and i actually know this caveman i know i know who i know his reputation but he's unconscious on the fucking floor his name was mario he was fighting this guy donovan and i stuck my head in the second i stuck my head in they were like oh here's his brother get him too and they pushed me in and i was like well i'm not his brother i'm not his friend like we're not i'm not on anyone's team i'm on a different team like but they think we're on the same team because we're wearing the away uniforms you know so this guy beat the beat the shit out of me standing does that make sense yeah like i didn't fall he didn't kick me but i never at any point did it look like i won and i did a lot of trying

to talk my way out of it but while he was hitting you you were trying to talk to him i was like man i'm not and he just pounded me and he was like he was like oh and he was talking shit like as he was fighting me like just weird shit like you follow me around the mall motherfucker and i was like what and he's like follow me around the mall bitch see what happens see what happens this what's up this what's up and just popping me and i was like i got the shit kind of and so the first punch i ever threw was then uh and i go to throw a punch but i never thought a punch before it only works on talking shit so my shit talking was out the door so i'm getting my ass kicked so i go to throw a punch but i just it was more like a like it was like a like like a like a like a stop like before you break my heart

and i literally my hand landed in this high top fade it went into his hair okay and and i remember thinking to myself and this this is now the joke is very different than this but the truth is went into his hair and i held it there because i thought i never touched a black person's hair before and i fucking moved my fingers around a little bit he didn't move and then all of a sudden the cops showed up oh my god and the cops showed up and then all the fucking brothers fucking took off except for this guy the cops showed up. Oh, my God. And the cops showed up, and then all the fucking brothers fucking took off, except for this guy. The cops showed up because they knew there was a fight going on. The cops showed up.

Two squad cars. They knew the other guy was unconscious. Two squad cars, two rednecks. And the other guy's still out cold. Out fucking cold. What'd they do to him? He was just laying on the ground. You got there, he'd already been knocked out.

That guy, when I stuck my head in, he was unconscious. And this guy, Donovan, who is standing over him, beating him, pummeling him, and I fucking stuck my head in. Thank God I did. The kid might be dead. But I stuck my head in, and I was like, oh, I don't want any of that. What did he order? I'll take something else.

That kind of damage when a guy is out and a guy gets beat up while he's out, kicked his head. Sometimes people never recover. Yeah. That dude that got really fucked up in L.A. At the Dodgers stadium? Yeah. Because he was wearing, I guess he was wearing another jersey from another senior. Who knows? I mean, maybe

he did other things. I don't know why they beat his ass, but they definitely shouldn't have done what they did. What they did was horrific, man. It was a nightmare. I have no idea how that guy behaved, but they need, obviously, they need more security. There's no way they should be allowing that many people into a place like that, to a position where that kind of shit can happen.

Oh, Dodger Stadium is sketchy. They need to tighten that down, man. You know, when a guy gets beat down like that, like, shit, man. You need to be able to protect people from thugs. There should be a fucking guy code. The numbers are too high. First of all, those people are – anybody who would do that is a sick fuck. And you know what we're having here, man?

It's a classic example of people not caring about terrible neighborhoods. Those terrible neighborhoods have more kids come out of them, and more kids come out of them that want to do fucked up things. And that's just the way it goes. It's just you ignore that part of the country. You know what? That's a very accurate statement. Because the other day I realized I don't judge a man based on his skin color in the slightest.

I judge him based on their age. Age is the most fucking determining factor. When we were in Amsterdam. I meet a lot of smart young dudes, man. There's a lot more today, I think, than I've ever met in the past. I meet dudes that are like 20 years old that are on the fucking ball. That does happen, but you know who's throwing punches at bars and bars? 20-year-olds.

Yeah, it's always going to be that, man. It's always going to be a certain percentage of them. Not a lot of 39-year-olds throwing fucking sucker punches. There are plenty. You think? There's some losers that never got it together. Yeah, man, you underestimate. There's a lot of go to Vegas, hang out in those fucking crap dens,

watch the degenerate gamblers at the horse track. There's plenty of 39-year-old men I guess you can't stereotype anything, yeah. Yeah, they're just tireder. It's less likely. They don't have the gumption. They get winded quicker. Yeah, they just don't have the gumption

to get up and give you a fucking ass kicking. It really depends on what they ate for lunch. Yeah, they might have had a burrito and they just got no energy and they're just ready to shit their pants. If a guy talks shit to you, when was the last time a guy talked shit to you? Oh, I don't know.

I mean, it happens. You know, it hasn't happened in a long time. Most people are really nice to me. I'm very lucky. You know, when people say, like, what's the downside to, you know, people knowing who you are when you go to the UFC or comedy shows?

Like a stranger or somebody you paid to do that? A stranger. What the fuck are you eating? Dick. Like a stranger or somebody who paid to do that? A stranger? What the fuck are you eating? Dick. Like a stranger or someone who paid to do that. Thank God you're broadcasting. I'm eating DMT.

So yeah. You haven't had a confrontation in a while? No. People are generally cool. I'm nice. I think if you come to me with some sort of predetermined idea of who I am or, you know, what you think about something I said once and, you know, you're angry at me, then it's probably not going to be a fun conversation. I've had that happen before where people misinterpret something I said or take it out of context or disagree with it, you know, and that can happen. But for the most part, most people that meet me are nice.

And even when someone does, I'm like, listen like listen man it's just an opinion you know you don't have to get people get so goddamn attached to their opinions you know yeah if you you know if you just just stop and go who the fuck knows and stop and go well maybe you're right that clears up a lot of shit you know it's really simple and you know and then a little google. Add that to the mix, and you should be dealing with much less problems. We should have, because of Google, for real, we should probably have, I'd say, a 75% reduction in arguments between human beings. They should be resolved 75% quicker, just from the access to information. Because how many goddamn arguments, when we were kids,

came out of one guy talking out of his fucking ass, and you knowing it, but you not having an encyclopedia handy? Oh, yeah. And you just would fight that until the day. And it was, that's a cocksucker that thinks that movie went straight to video. It didn't go straight to video. They don't even make movies straight to video. That was fucking, that was out in the movie theaters for at least two weeks, I know, because my dad told me.

Those are frustrating conversations, man. And you never had closure. Kenny Suarez knows that. Kenny Suarez, what did he say? Fucking the movies go straight to fucking video. And I was like, that doesn't happen. It was a fucking nightmare fight when we were kids. And I still remember it.

We had fights. You'd argue with someone and you'd just get into it with them and you just would never have closure. And you'd fucking be like, fine, we agree to disagree and I'll just hit your guts secretly behind your back. Bert Kreischer talking about how he handles relationships. Everybody has their own approach.

What's yours? Call us now at 1-800 What is it? I'm from Chicago right now and I have a question for Bert Kreischer. My wife has three nipples but both of them are on her asshole. She has three butipples, but both of them are on her asshole. She has three, but both.

Are they like circling her asshole, like crop circles? No, they're inside, but you can feel them with your finger. And if you come down here, we'll show you. I need to know what to do, though. You need to bail on this one. Wait, no, no, wait. I like these failed imprompts. What's on the actual breast area where the nipple would have been?

Where the areola is. There's an areola with no nipple? Carkeys, mostly. Have you ever dated a girl who had essentially an areola and no nipple? Have you ever dated a girl like that? I've dated girls that's areolas have been chopped off, and then they've had boobs put in them and then sewn back on. And then that's like a ghost nipple in some ways, you know?

That's not like a, you know what I mean? I want to be a ghost nipple. I want to be a ghost nipple. What is that? Is that a real song? No, I just made that up. Listen, I don't know. I want to be something.

Yeah, that was a song that I, we were barbecued one night, and we were hanging out with him, and he had just started dating this particular lass. And for some reason, we started singing a song called I Saw Your Girlfriend's Butthole. Oh, yeah. Here's photographs of her. Yeah, here's a picture of her right now.

Is that a distorted picture? See, that's a nice picture. It's from Howard Stern picture. Pretty girl. Brian, how'd that happen? How'd you ever hook up with a chick like that? Huh? Do you have sex totally naked, Brian?

Yeah, well, when he's not wearing girls' clothes. No, I wear a shirt like the pool. You wear a shirt like the pool? I usually wear a jersey, like a polo. Have you ever had sex with clothes on? Well, I guess you have quickie sex with a shirt on. Kevin James, I would think, would have sex with a shirt on. know like Kevin James I would think would have sex with a shirt on because

no but he seems like a guy that he's always got a hat on he's always got something covering you know yeah Kevin is an interesting guy Kevin's a really interesting guy I went to his house one time a long time ago

and got fucking blotto yeah in front of him and I just watched him look at me like studying me like how does this happen

like you mean blotto drunk oh yeah it was me and Garyary valentine gary knows how to put him away me and gary started drinking in vegas i've been and ended at kevin's house many an evening drinking with gary back in the day god damn he is a he'll put him back he's a good dude oh i saw him one time guys i saw gary valentine one time at the improv take a shot of a candle he took a shit shot of put it back in his mouth that was on a fucking shot all right let's

keep going guys let's keep going no he drank it well he him, put it back in his mouth. That wasn't a fucking shot. All right, let's keep going, guys. Let's keep going. No, he drank it? He just fucking shot it back in it. Hit a candle, hit it in the mouth, and he put it back in. He goes,

that wasn't a shot. Let's keep going, guys. Man, Gary Valentine's a fucking party guy. Wait, did I ever tell you what happened? Oh, this is my favorite. So wait, maybe I did.

Wait, so did I ever tell you what, do you remember Mike, do you know Mike Burton? Mike Burton. Comedian, bald, Jewish. Probably. Good body. What?

I don't know why I'm saying that. Good body? Yeah. What the fuck was that? I don't fucking know. Stop. Stop. What was that?

Never mind. He just works out. He works out and he teaches Krav Maga. Krav Maga is the Israeli system of martial arts. He teaches Krav Maga right now. So anyway, so one time me, Gary, this guy Scott Henry, and Mike Burton are all drinking

at Formosa Cafe. This is like Thursday. We don't have to work. Gary and I are making money. We're doing an act show, and I go, guys, let's go to Vegas. Everyone's fucking in except for Burton. He's like, I don't want to go.

Burton was a comic, and he stopped doing comedy since. He was funny, but he wasn't like that funny. So he goes, I don't want to go. And Gary's like, come on, come on, Burton. Let's go. And he's like, I don't funny so he goes i don't want to go and gary's like come on come on burton let's go and he's like i don't want to go i don't want to go so gary goes fuck it i'm going to my house i'm packing my bags i'll meet you guys at scott and burton's house in like in like 30 minutes so we go meet me burton and scott go to scott and burton's house and burton goes ah fuck it i'll go i go burton this is what you do hide in the back of my truck. We're taking my escalator, or my navigator, whatever, in the way back.

Hide in the way back. And we won't tell Gary you're going until halfway there. When we get halfway to Vegas, you pop up and go, surprise, I'm coming. So he goes, that's a great idea. That's a great idea. So we fucking pack the car and we're waiting. Gary Valentine pulls up and parks his car. And he comes up and he's like, what's up?

I said, hop in, we're ready. And he goes, all right. Scott Henry's driving my truck. Gary hops in the back seat. And he goes, what's up? And I said, hop in, we're ready. And he goes, all right. Scott Henry's driving my truck. Gary hops in the back seat, and he goes, where's Burton? And we go, well, he couldn't come. And Gary goes, let me tell you something about that motherfucker. Let me tell you why he's not a good comic for one. And all of a sudden, I'm looking in the rearview mirror, and I see Burton's head sit up in the way back.

And he goes, because he's not fucking funny, and I don't have the heart to tell him. He should, like, and he starts fucking tearing Burton apart. And we are in Hollywood until we get on the fucking 10. All of a sudden, Burton goes, I go, Gary, can you reach in the back and pass me a beer? He reaches back and he sees Burton. He goes, hey, Burton, how you doing? Turns and looks at me. He goes, you weren't going to tell me he was in the fucking car. Most uncomfortable.

The whole rest of the ride to Vegas, they just spoke, like spoke in the backseat, just talked, hashed it out, and no one spoke to each other the rest of the weekend. Fucking uncomfortable. Sometimes dudes will blow up, and they don't even mean exactly what they're saying. They're just frustrated with their own lives. Yes. And they find something about someone else, whether it's a minor glitch in their system or whatever, and they just start poking at it, and it's sort of a distraction to turn that same objectivity and insight to yourself.

Yeah. You know? Yeah, I've done it. I've done it when I was less, but when I was younger in this business, like I would definitely take apart someone I did not know and look at their act and be like, that fuck, and you could get me started on someone someone and I would destroy that motherfucker and pick apart everything.

For no reason. And then all they had to say was, hey, man, I'm a big fan of your stuff. I'd be like, I like you too. I'm a big fan of you too. Love you. I've been a big fan for a long time. But there are dudes that are annoying. I mean, there's no getting past that.

There are guys who get up there and they're annoying. Yeah. But you just got to avoid them. I just avoid their acts. That's the best way. Just to kind of get out of their way and they're annoying. But you just got to avoid them. I just avoid their acts. That's the best way. Just kind of get out of their way when they're up. But you can do that. When you're young, a lot of times you got to follow that person.

Well, the follow is not the real issue. It's when someone tells you what you can't do. You ever have that when you open for those guys? Oh, fuck that. That is... There's some real negative dudes out there oh that will start to like like micromanage your act when you work at like b clubs that happens a lot oh yeah yeah the headline will tell you you could whatever you do you can't talk about farming you know like you

can have like your whole opening bit about farming like how about i have a different bit about farming than you do is that okay yeah you know like what the fuck dude you can't tell me what i can't talk about it's one thing it's like a guy purposely tries to step on your material and that i'm sure you've had happened i've had that happen a ton where they you open or you have like one day where you'll be the headliner and he'll be the middle act and he'll have a certain set and it'll do well and then you'll have a bunch of bits on certain subjects and all of a sudden the next night he magically has these new bits that you can tell are new bits they cut off short they're not expanded on and they're about the same exact subjects that you talk about and they're just sometimes it's not even it's a road just stepping

on what you're about to talk about he's trying to make your act less effective on purpose fucking exhausting and it's happened to me so much it happens to a lot of comics when they're like third and they're in like 32 they're not making a ton of money they're making 1200 bucks on the road and they've got some feature i can make it 700 bucks who's like fuck this guy i've never heard of him i'm gonna take i'm gonna make sure that they flip-flop this at the end of the week right and they sell like five dvds with two t-shirts and they'll undercut your sales i'm selling dvd for 20 bucks and this guy's i'm selling all my shit for $25. Bam! It's really unfortunate. The only way you should go to do shows with someone is if you're friends with someone. I love doing the K-Rock shows because I know all those people that do those.

They have that big April Fool's, April Foolishness show on April Fool's Day or April Fool's Day weekend, whatever it is. And it's always at that huge place in Universal. What is that theater in Universal? It's like 6,000 fucking people. And it's all a lot of people that I don't normally

hang out with. But everybody's really funny. You kind of know them all from the business. But it's way more fun when you're working and you're working on the road with friends.

It's way more fun. Like, there's not like, for whatever reason, some comics want like them to be the only one that is getting the laughs. Yeah, yeah. They can't just have a good set and then you have a good set too. It's a competition.

It's one-on-one. Like, I'm the funniest motherfucker in this club tonight. I need to be the one that when they exit, they go, you were funnier than that guy. They need that. And then it becomes what we were talking about earlier before we even started rolling about being addicted to killing. Being addicted to killing is the worst thing that can ever happen to a comic because I heard you and Brewer

talk about this maybe seven years ago, six years ago and it was when Dane was blowing up and you guys were saying that Dane is the perfect guy that's addicted to killing. It's like exactly what we were talking about with your friend.

They don't want to stop doing the bit because the bit works. And even though they know it's unethical to continue to do the bit because it's really your story that they're repeating, they can't help it because it's so powerful. It's such a weapon to use. If you want these people to love you, you want these people to think you're the funniest guy ever you're the funniest guy ever boom how about this brilliant impression with this perfect story that is so fucking hilarious you're going to be holding your

stomach laughing yeah the brilliance of it all but in reality he shouldn't be saying it and yeah and yeah and there's addicted to killing it's it is it's hard man because bombing sucks and they and a lot of times people think that bombing is the alternative when it's hard man because bombing sucks and they and a lot of times people think that bombing is the alternative when it's not no the alternative is just not killing you know and i think a lot of those a lot of guys who especially like uh like i remember a tell never killed really like he always killed to comics like we always loved him but like a lot of times he'd do 50 50 in the room and at the cellar because because in all honesty he was working on new shit all the time all the time he was always taking a bit and it was not about the crowd it was not about them he knew if he

wanted to he could murder that crowd in a heartbeat for him it was about the art and find the right way how to kill someone with a hammer like what's the funniest way to kill someone with a hammer how do you kill like and he would i swear to god he must have said kill someone with a hammer like what's the funniest way to kill someone with a hammer how do you kill like and he would i swear to god he must have said kill someone with a hammer 150 times as when i lived in new york and tried to work that out and you'd watch him and i'm louis ck it was about it was about him figuring shit out i work with louis right after georgia my old my oldest was born and and dave right back to back and louis and i'm saying this in all fondness louis bombed for in a weekend he had a rough weekend uh and he but but he was doing all the material that defined him as a comic today that is the murderous shameful hour what that he did the shameless or shameful

shameless the one that defined the definitive hour of louis ck where you went okay he's my new favorite comic he was doing all that he was working on it for him it wasn't about killing it was about getting this concept of being a regular guy thinking your kids are a dick wanting to be wanting to eat whatever the fuck you want being married to someone who's a little micromanaging like being kind like being louis ck he wanted to get that idea out so he didn't give a. I remember going up and murdering as a feature. And then Louis would go up and kind of struggle and figure out. He was figuring shit out, and you could definitely see he was working. And I remember in my head going, I was so fucking impressed that he did not care. I'm sure he cared about killing.

I'm sure that mattered. But I was so impressed that he had a bigger goal. He wanted to create new material quickly. Yeah. That mattered. But I was so impressed that he didn't. He had a bigger goal. You know? He wanted to create new material quickly. Yeah. He wanted to make. He wanted to make. He wanted to change his style.

His style was goofy, absurd. You know, kind of. I always. I don't know why. But I think of like top. Top ten. Fucking humor for some reason. It was like.

It was like goofy stuff. Top ten humor. I don't know why I say that. I don't know. What does that mean? But I always thought of that. I don't know. What does that mean? But I always thought of that. I don't know. I don't know how else to say it. Oh, do you mean like one of those,

like a poll, like top ten funniest things to happen, like that kind of humor? No, no, no. It was like top ten, like a tent. Oh, top tent. Yeah, like it was like a tent.

I don't know why I think that. Maybe it was our special had a tent. His old stuff was really silly. His old stuff was silly. It was like goofy. Yeah, like he'd go... His joke was like, want to see me order anything

old diner style? Diner style? You want to see a diner style? Order something, ma'am. She'd go, two eggs, bacon, and pancakes. He goes, you want something to drink? She's like, orange juice. He goes, all right,

I need two monkeys riding sidecar. I need two flapjacks. Take them up. Look at them. I'm silly. And he'd do this whole fucking hilarious rant. And then he'd go,

I'm going to need two eggs over easy bacon and pancakes with some orange juice. And that was the bit. It wasn't who he is now at all. It was more absurdist. But man, I remember watching that and going, motherfucker, I wish I had the balls. Because I was a feature at the time. I felt like if I didn't kill, I wouldn't work ever again.

Yeah, that's the fear. It's the fear. That's the hardest part of coming up with new material or changing gears. God forbid when you get a guy who's like a musical guy and decides to try to put the guitar down. Oh, shit, man. I've seen that go horribly wrong.

Mitzi Shore used to yell at them. She used to yell at them. There was a series of guys that were guitar comics who had some kind of funny songs, but they resented the fact that they were not considered legitimate comedians by the rest of the comedians. They did did something that was like a little extra if you just had to go up there and talk you really would you would eat dicks up there a little like not i mean look here's the thing you pull out a guitar and everyone's like oh it's a guitar it's entertaining yeah

nothing wrong with it not not saying there's anything wrong with it but what what i'm saying is there was a bunch of guys who got pretty good with a guitar and then they tried to put the guitar down and just go on their own personality and they would eat dicks up there but mitzi sure used to yell at him i'll never forget this dude was on stage and he was he was just choking it up there he just didn't have it he just it was out of rhythm he didn't know how to they don't have a rhythm they don't know the rhythm yeah he didn't know how to yeah we couldn't just introduce the next song this next song i wrote when i was thinking about uh i dream aannie in a bubble bath with my dog. Hey, you know, there's no setup.

It's just you doing stand-up, and, you know, there's no guitar to pull out. There's no pretending you're having a good time. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You know, soliciting claps. There's none of that. It's just you talking. There's no, like, tuning the guitar when you need a, oh, let me, hold on one sec. And so Mitzi, the kid's on stage doing this. There's no tuning the guitar when you need a... Hold on one sec.

And so Mitzi, the kid's on stage doing this. Mitzi goes, Go get the guitar! Don't ever go on stage without the guitar. I kind of wish I had known Mitzi. She's one of a kind. You can still meet her. Oh, she's still alive? Yeah, she's still alive.

Oh, really? Sure, if you want to still meet her. She's in poor health, though. She's had a hard time i met paulie one time he was a dick well you know i'm a big fan of his brother his brother scott he's a good buddy of mine i love that guy but i was i said to paulie in front of uh louis louis anderson introduced us always makes louis anderson paulie can be a nice guy it's he's got the potential to be a nice guy he just doesn't always choose to be. Totally. And it seems like whatever it is,

it's really weird because every time you meet him, most of the time, it's like, hey, he's just a nice guy, very friendly. Sometimes. And then he has a bad, weird side, I guess. Yeah, I don't know. Whatever. Did you ever choke him out? Me? No. No, never did. I got more upset with how ridiculous the whole situation was

at the comedy store than Pauly. Pauly was just a part of a machine over there. Yeah. You know, whatever position Pauly plays in it now, I don't know. Speaking of the machine, Cyber Sale Monday. I got machine shirts at burpburpburp.com. Keep going. Cyber Sale Monday.

Today's Cyber Sale Monday. So what happens? What do they get off? They get like same price as normal, I think. I don't know how to change it. They get same price as normal on a cyber sale? That's not a fucking cyber sale. Right now, we have a cyber sale at onnit.com.

O-N-N-I-T. Put in the code word cyber, you get 25% off. You don't have a real fucking... I actually think that everyone should go to Doug.com instead of going to Amazon.com. That's D-U-G-G-E-D. Now, if you go to D-U-G-G-E-D.com, Brian, explain to me why that's good. Why is it good to go to Doug.com? Because if you're going to shop on Amazon.com, Doug.com just forwards you to Amazon.com,

but any time you spend a dollar, I get six cents, and it goes towards this studio that we're recording in. So Amazon doesn't charge them anymore? Doesn't charge them anymore for the product? No, no. It just gives you a kickback. Just gives us a kickback for promoting people to Amazon.com. But it seems like they're stealing money from themselves to give to you.

Maybe they haven't figured it all out. Wait, how are we making money on this? This is the sign of the apocalypse. This is how Amazon's going to fold. Amazon, get your shit together. You're my favorite. Got all the online shopping options. I went to Black Friday, by the way, and that was straight up scary. Really?

That was like being at Woodstock, but if it was all rappers, I guess. Wait, what did you get at Black Friday? These projectors in the background and stuff like that. These projectors right here? Yeah. What is this movie? I don't remember. You have it playing, but you don't know?

This studio is starting to become really fucking badass. So now you guys do a live show here Wednesday nights. We do a live show here on various evenings. It's not like every Wednesday night. And then you come straight here to do the podcast? Yeah, what we do is we do a podcast while we're doing... I just kicked over his camera. Is he still cool?

What we do is we do a podcast while everyone is going up on stage. The other comics will be back here having a podcast. Oh, come on, please. Why would I do this? Oh, dude, anytime you want, man. When is the next one you're doing? 100% open invitation. Maybe this week.

Maybe this week. We'll have to figure it out. We'll figure it out. Oh, do it this week. Do it this week. Yeah, if we do it this week, it'll either be Wednesday or Thursday.

Most likely Wednesday. That's what Heffron and I are talking about doing is doing something like that on the road with Ustream and like fucking trying to, but I'm not good with that shit. You can do it, dude.

Just advertise it through Twitter. Make a little Ustream show. Heff You can do it, dude. Just advertise it through Twitter. Make a little Ustream show. Heffron's in charge of everything. Let him be in charge. He's good at that shit. He's smart as shit. He put together an online survey.

Yeah, Heffron's brilliant. He's a great guy, too. And he's a fun guy to have in the road with you. He's a real dude. He's a real good guy. You'll have a good time. Me, him, and Charlie Murphy went on a one-month tour of the country.

It was a good time they're cool motherfuckers really he's so interesting he's a great guy man i really love charlie i rented charlie in hawaii once man it was one of the fucking coolest things ever just random on vacation the exact moment he was on vacation he's one of those guys like i was truly happy to see him you know yeah he's a he's a real legit dude he's like so he's one of the most honest people i've ever met that's in in like show business you know like he he came on the show and was telling me a story about his wife passing away i heard about you know raising his kids and doing the best he can but he still has to travel on the road and sometimes he has to leave them and he

doesn't want to and how it breaks his heart you know it's powerful fucking shit i love when he i love the words he chooses yeah he's got this he's got like a like a a 90 year old man's vocabulary yeah like he says words like articulate you you're a crooner you're a crooner like a crooner who the fuck to articulate his feelings on the matter yeah so go say that shit to mike tyson is that like like barbershop stuff you think do you think like or like j guys diamonds how do they not Is that like barbershop stuff, you think? Do you think like, or like J Guys Diamonds? How do they not have a black barbershop podcast? Dude, if we got you together with Charlie in a room, you and Charlie Murphy.

Oh, I want to tell him the story. For a story off. Oh, I want to do a story off with Charlie Murphy. I want me and Charlie to go out one night, right? Have an evening, and then us both recant our evening to you. Oh, yeah, but I think Charlie doesn't party like that anymore. Charlie's got kids. Put me with this young white boy with his smile and laugh, that fucking laugh.

I would fucking die. And then we'd start kissing, and then he'd start peeing everywhere. Black guys do not play gay shit, Brian. That's rule number one. That's a good way to get knocked out silly brothers white guys love it like if i could sneak around and put my dick on your shoulder you'd be like got me yeah and listen there's a lot of black guys that are just looking for an opportunity to punch a guy like you so if i was you i hope everyone knows i was joking back off of that shit

i want to do the i want to do that podcast that you do here absolutely please do it so are you in town this whole i'm in town for like two weeks. Oh, my goodness, ladies and gentlemen. You are listening to this organically occur. We are making an appointment for Bert Kreischer to be a part of the Ice House Chronicles. Oh, I'm going to get a fucking car service out here. The Ice House is our favorite new club here in California, man. We're doing shows here all the time as often as we can, and we're doing podcasts here all the time as often as we can.

Fucking great, man. It's awesome. Who's going to be? Is Matt Flavor going to be here? If he's here, you never know. But you can't call him Dually Dog. Listen. Listen, man.

I got things to do, dog. I'll see you at the fucking show. He doesn't like to come before the show. I want to get Swartzen, man. Swartzen would do it in a heartbeat. He'll do it. He'll do it for sure. I love that guy so much.

He cracks me up, man. He's so fucking funny. He only did the podcast for like 45 minutes. I know. We've got to have him back on. There's like a sports game on. He's like a big sports guy. Yeah, he's a UFC fan.

Huge UFC fan. Really? I see him all the time with the UFC. He loves it. He's one of the sweetest, hardest guys that I have ever in this business. One of the coolest things about doing this podcast, one of the coolest things about just being a comic in LA is you get to meet a lot of goddamn interesting people. Tell me about it, right? I mean i think about our lives in that respect you know the all the the

wild stories you told me your fucking drinking story with johnny knoxville and like just all the nutty shit that you've told me in the past like think about how how fortunate you are in comparison to the average person the average person doesn't have those kind of experiences the average person doesn't live so insanely fun a life. I get it. I get it when I go on the road. And the documentary guys will attest to this. And I say this, and I say this, and I mean it. I get the fans of this podcast come out to my shows in fucking droves.

Like, droves. But here's the most interesting thing, is they know I'm a fan of the podcast also. So they end up sitting and talking to me for the entire night. We sit at a bar and end up talking about our favorite podcast. So we end up bullshitting about this podcast

and then inevitably they're like, what's Joe's house look like? And I just make up some story about Italians and fucking... What's Italian? Fucking something I just made up. Italian? Yeah, Italian, Italian.

Yeah, I don't know what I was fucking talking about. Brian, did you really work for NASA? Yes. Okay. Well, that's cool, man. Look, we love doing this fucking podcast. It's fun. It's great.

I was standing on the phone with you last night. We had an in-depth conversation. Yeah. And I was saying, this podcast has made, it's so fascinating to be a part of because when I stand on stage, the second I get on stage, I see droves of people

in machine shirts, all sold. I got two pairs of that. You got, yeah. I got XL. I got the sort of the light one, which I prefer, a very thin sort of fabric.

Yeah. I got one that's like a regular cotton t-shirt. I prefer the super thin one. It's got a little bit of sexy to it, a little extra sexy. You're the reason those things sell.

I swear to God. I couldn't find it today. You're the reason we're making this documentary. You're the reason. I got my Henderson Shogun shirt on. No, I'm not the reason those things sell i swear to god you're the reason we're making this documentary you're the reason henderson shogun shirt on no i'm not the reason dude all i am is an antenna that tuned into the greatness that is burt that's what it is we just found you you know like i couldn't i couldn't make you funny i can't make you interesting you know having you on this podcast is just we're lucky i've never subscribed to the idea that you know that someone should be happy you know that they come on someone's show and are entertaining

as fuck for free for hours. Oh, no. Yeah. Dude, we have some really hilarious fucking shows with you, dude. Oh, thank you. I thought it was you. I didn't make you. You made yourself, dude.

You're you. Well, but we were talking about it last night, and it is a neat thing to be a part of because when you stand on stage- People love you, man. So this is the fucking craziest thing. So we do this special in Amsterdam for Showtime. I get on stage in Amsterdam, all Dutch crowd, all Dutch crowd. Wow.

Get on stage, and I stand on stage. Machine! Fucking 13 people yelling the machine. Am I fucking lying right now? Where's the crew? Out in fucking Amsterdam, dudes have the machine shirt on, and they're screaming the machine wow in Amsterdam now this is a everyone's had a beautiful thing about the podcast fucking free everywhere is out

fucking well me well it's free and it's everywhere and it'll always be free yeah my ads are annoying but it's always gonna be free fucking great pod the one you did with the tell is overwhelming it's one of my favorite interviews I've heard with the tell because especially when you told me could smoke because you know all of a sudden Dave started really fucking relaxing. Yeah, I knew I couldn't. I just turned on the machine. I was like, no big deal. I love him.

I let him smoke. And for him, he's a two-pack-a-day guy, so for him it's super hard. Yeah. Oh, everybody harass Doug Stanhope. Please, get after him. Email him. Get him on Twitter.

Tell him to do the podcast while he's in town this week, because he's doing the Irvine improv. That do the podcast while he's in town this week because he's doing the Irvine improv. That's close. Stanhope's in town this week? I'm calling a fatwa to attack the email of Douglas Stanhope. Twitter. Twitter. And Twitter.

Oh, yeah. Whatever. He doesn't read his Twitter. He doesn't read his email either. I'm going to call him later. It's his Facebook. His Facebook. Facebook is where he does his fizzy little girl.

All his tweets go to his Facebook page. What kind of whack-ass shit is that? What is that shit, Brian? Explain it. Did you hear another fucking coach got caught with little kids? What? Yeah, another coach today. Some fucking, I'll look it up online because I tweeted about it.

Is this the one Colin Quinn tweeted about? Did he tweet about it? Colin Quinn's Twitter is so fucking funny. Colin Quinn has been trolling everybody with this thing about Will Ferrell. Yeah, with doing drugs. Saying that he stole the idea. Yeah, he stole the idea from Anchorman. Will Ferrell.

And doing a lot of bad drugs. He says bad drugs. Yeah. Like, you can't see that's a Colin Quinn joke right there. Yes, yes. He was doing a lot of bad drugs. And they picked it up on the newswire, right? It's so silly. It's so so silly you can't see him saying even the vernacular

he uses the words he chooses and uh he was doing a lot of bad drugs like that's that's a goddamn joke he's colin quinn what the fuck is wrong with you people oh bobby kelly give me the residuals give me the residuals i want my money man how do you not know he's brilliant bobby kelly told me the funniest col Quinn story. I saw Bobby in New York. We did his podcast, which is coming out next Monday. It's You Know What, Dude? That's the name of his podcast.

It was really fun. His podcast is called Know What, Dude? You Know What, Dude? That's a great name for a podcast. So Bobby says, have you ever met Colin? I said, never met him, but I love him. I think he's hilarious. And then I see Bobby later that night, and he goes, you know, Colin said hi. And I said, I don't think we've ever met colin i said never met him but i love him i think he's hilarious and then he i see bobby later that night he goes you know colin said hi and i said i don't think i don't

think we've ever met and he goes well he was at gotham the other night and he sat with a guy for 30 minutes and then at the end said see you later burt and the guy goes i'm not burt and he was all right take care he thought he was talking to me for 30 minutes like having a conversation with some guy and that's hilarious you burt the guy goes my name's not burt he was like all right see you later oh wow so you guys just sat down and talked politics maybe i have no idea when you're your ghost man yeah the ghost burt yeah this is what i was talking about this guy from syracuse that's who it is syracuse university fired bernie fine assistant men's basketball coach for sexually abusing boys that's so that that shit happens all the time though i mean like my gym teacher

molested half of our elementary school we talked about this on the podcast his name was fill me up phillips and he would just walk behind guys and smack them in the butt and he had this huge bucket of prizes that were like stupid small toys

and it was like a joke between us and elementary school like oh yeah he molested our friend Sean he molested our friend blah blah was it true he really did molest them uh well he or were you just making shit up no no i mean that's what we all believe but we were only elementary kids but then later okay but did these kids tell you that he molested them i don't know how it was one of those things where like it got throughout the whole entire school right there was people and he could have just been a rumor maybe even even as a well even as a kid we all, dude, he totally is so molesty.

Wow, that's crazy. A few years later, he got thrown out of school or whatever. Did he get arrested? I don't know. But he got suspended for doing that. But you dodged it? Oh, yeah, yeah. He never got you?

No, that wasn't his kind. It was too fat. But you dodged it? Oh, yeah, yeah. He never got you? No, that wasn't his kind. It was too fat. It's a defense mechanism, Joe. No, it wasn't his kind.

It was too fat. Make yourself unpretty. You don't feel pretty on the inside, so make yourself unpretty on the outside. That's how I get out of most of my relationships. If it goes after five or six years, I just start eating like crazy. He's not lying. I'm a blowfish. He's not lying. I'm a blowfish. He's not lying.

There's one point in time he was at the end of this relationship and he had to weigh almost 300 pounds. Yeah, it was 260. He was enormous. Are you serious? 260 pounds. I even told you that I've done that before

where I'm like, I'm just going to eat a lot and get rid of them. Just to get rid of them? That's the most self-destructive way to get out of a relationship I've ever heard. It's hard, man. How hard is it to break up with somebody? Because that's impossible.

That's a big test, though. If they can last for me being fat, then all right, they deserve it. They deserve what? Your dick? They deserve, well, no. Enjoy me being fat? It's through thick or thin, bitch. So you do it on purpose, is what you're saying.

Here's the thing that there are guys in unhealthy relationships right now doing destructive shit to try to push the girl away. Oh, hell yeah. And here's the thing that I learned one day in a yoga class. I was in a miserable relationship right before I met my wife. I go to a yoga class and the guy just does that fucking gets in your head. You do the whole class at the very end. And he goes, so right now when we lay down on the mat, I want you to think what's the one thing that makes you unhappy? I remember thinking this fucking chick.

And he's like, you have the power to change that today. Take action. And I went, I can fucking dump her. Like, I can make myself happy right fucking now. Yeah. So if you're listening and you are thinking to yourself, I'm not happy with my chick, fucking change that shit. Absolutely. Change it.

You know what a good move to do is also? Is to sit down and give yourself advice. Nobody ever does that. Self-evaluation. Sit down and actually give yourself advice. Say, if I was in this situation, what would I say to myself? Because nobody ever does that. They say, what am I going to do?

How am I going to fucking? You would say, if I was saying this to somebody else, let me take myself out of it. It's very difficult to do, obviously, and you can't be 100% objective. You're still going to know you have a situation but sit sit back and say how would i advise myself to handle this situation and then fucking follow that man because that's the person that's thinking clearly not you now who's looking for a shovel and some lime yeah exactly yeah yeah you're totally fucking right yeah it's the guy going that's funny it's true you know i never fucking listen to myself give yourself advice

it's very important you've got rope Joe you've got to go into the isolation tank I want to go into the isolation tank really bad I want to get in the TM too we should get one here trans-dental meditation

in the isolation tank fucking that's what I want I want let's set it we should get one here we could do one here the only thing is we have to maintain it

you have to make sure what space would we put it in Brian the isolation tank that room next door is there where you can rent it out like a store butt whoa you know we could do that What space would we put it in, Brian? The isolation tank storefront right there where you can rent it out like a store butt. Whoa, you know, we could do that. We could start a float lab. Oh, do it, do it, do it, do it.

Because float lab is in Venice. If I talk to Crash, we'll see. We'll talk to the float lab. I want to do your isolation tank really bad. That would be dope, huh? That would be dope. Dope-alicious. You know what?

I got an idea. I got an idea. I think I might have to open up a business. Fucking goddammit. We're going to open up a tank business, Brian Reckle. Right next door. Genius, son. Genius.

Cheers. I can't hear out of my left ear. It's because it's not a good headphone. We should get new awesome, amazing headphones. Oh, I did. Skull candy. They sent me them. I keep forgetting to bring them here.

They're at my house, though, diligently waiting for me to pick them up. Did you bring 5HTP with you? Yeah. No, I don't have bring them here. They're at my house, though, diligently waiting to pick them up. Wait, did you bring 5-HTP with you? Yeah. No, I don't have any with me. I have this big thing of AlphaBrain. I'm slow rolling my AlphaBrain. I got my personal stack of 5-HTP. And by the way, if you take New Mood, this is the 5-HTP thing,

and you're taking antidepressants already, it could be a problem. Really? Yeah, yeah. Apparently, it could be a problem. Really? Yeah, yeah. Apparently, that's what doctors say. So they say if you are – because apparently what Neil Brennan was doing when he came on the podcast and he started talking about antidepressants and 5-HTP and how it helped him, his doctor told him essentially that what's happening is when you take 5-HTP and you're already on antidepressants,

it's like getting two antidepressants. Really? You actually get too much serotonin, which is really crazy because what that means is that 5-HTP essentially produces much of the same stuff that these antidepressants produce. It's almost like it's natural antidepressants that you get at GNC. What about New Mood and Stella? I think that works. New Mood and Stella? Oh think that works. New Mood and Stella?

Oh, is that the beer? Yeah. Well, Stella is a good beer if you want to let a chick know that you're European inclined. Let a bitch know, I've been to London three, four times. It's cool. You just got to go to the right restaurant. I got friends in London. I got nice leather shoes.

I got friends in London. Yeah, I got shoes made out of kangaroo. That's hilarious. You know, you got to drink that. I got shoes Made out of kangaroo That's hilarious You know You gotta drink that I'll have a Stella please You don't like Stella I think Stella

I think Stella is nice I do I like it It's like a light beer I linger on an S In a glass Light beer without skunk Light beer without skunk You know what man

Give me one of them bitches I'll try it Let's roll Let's roll with a Stella I might as well try one too Yeah Bert Fuck this one beer What are we

Pussies Are we not men Two beers Is nothing To a Are we not men? Two beers is nothing to a man of our stature. Two beers. How much do you weigh? Two-twenty-five. I'm like one-ninety. We could process this. Are you really one-ninety? Yes.

Nice, Brian. Thank you. Brian, you're a fucking gentleman. Now I gotta go back and have a conversation with my wife and my daughters. It's not gonna be half as entertaining. Oh, it's going to be fun. My daughters last night said to me. That's where pot comes in and makes it even more interesting. Again, I'm trying to help you.

Trying to help you, Bert. We're going to turn you into a pothead. It's going to help you. Let's do it. Cheers, my friend. Cheers. Cheers. To a great new studio.

Stella, a trois. How do you say that? To a great new studio. How do you say the last name? A trois. A trois? A trois. Is that it? Like Art great new studio. How do you say the last name? Atois. Atois. Is that it?

Like Artie Fuqua. Atois. It's okay. I like it. It's got like sediment at the bottom. It's not bad. It's pretty good. What's your favorite beer, bro? I prefer Sam Adams.

I'm a Heineken guy. If I get sponsored by Heineken, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I remember one time some Budweiser guys asked me, they were like, how much would it cost to get that Budweiser out of your hand and put a Heineken on stage? Or get that Heineken out of your hand and put a Budweiser on stage? Wow. And I was like, can't do it. So you would only drink Budweiser on stage?

Just drink Budweiser on stage. I did a deal with Jameson. That'd be a good deal. I did a deal with Jameson for two years. I say too much crazy shit, though. I don't think Budweiser would want to have any of that. Oh, no, no, no. They don't give a shit. No, they love that shit.

I mean, you've seen the commercials. Look at their Super Bowl commercials. It's pretty much what you think of when you're taking a shit, maybe. What? What Super Bowl commercials are you talking about? Bud Light or Budweiser commercials are all fucking trippy. Well, Bud Light is the first to sponsor the UFC, so I have nothing but love for Bud Light.

Is that Brock Lesnar? They got nothing on me. Yeah, well, he kind of made a joke. He was trying to be his character. He's the heel from pro wrestling, big fucking wrestler guy. He's selling himself. He's doing a smart thing. He just fucked up.

He shouldn't have said that, but he just fucked up. But Bud Light was the first big sponsor to step in and support the UFC, so I'll always be a Bud Light fan just fucked up. But Bud Light was the first big sponsor to step in and support the UFC so I'll always be a Bud Light fan just for that. Sounds ridiculous but that's a big move, man, for a company to take a big chance like that and step in.

Dude, UFC was the HIV of sports for a while. For a while, yeah, dude. I remember hearing that shit and being like, God. HIV of sports. Did you guys go through that Honey Brown stage where everyone was drinking Honey Brown

and Killian's? Brian, you always do this. You always change the subject when we start talking about MMA. Well, we were talking about beer, too. We were, but people online are going to get angry with you every time you do that. So when I worked for Jameson, I worked for Jameson for two years, did the Jameson tour. Me, Billy Gardell, Steve Byrne, Michael Loftus, Nick Griffin, and Danny Bevins.

And they sent cases of Jameson to your Danny Bevins and you they sent cases of Jameson to your house every fucking month they sent cases of cases of Jameson the expensive shit how do they expect you

to drink it all and no when you got to a show Jameson waiting in the green room and the rule was you had to drink Jameson on stage you had

to mention how good your Jameson was but you couldn't on the show on the show like take a sip like damn that's good fucking Jameson was. On the show. On the show. Like, take a sip. Like, damn, that's good fucking Jameson. And you had to be pro-Jameson.

I got no problem with that because Jameson is pretty goddamn good. It's fucking awesome. That's some good shit. And then we get done the tour. You ready for this? They buy us each an acre of land in Ireland on a river. All of us right next to each other. We each get a fucking acre of land, a deed, and a deed and a picture whoa yeah fucking Jameson was one bad

Are you gonna build a house in Ireland now? You can't build you can't build on it. Can't build on it It's fucking pointless, but can you camp on it? You can camp on it? Can you have a permanent tent yeah, but me and a pikey's dopey fucking oh pikeys yeah, dude I've been obsessing about watching these Irish travelers. Pikey fights on fucking YouTube. I fucking love pikey fights on YouTube. Oh, my God. They have some of the best fights, dude.

Brian, you've got to look this up. They're boring as shit. I mean, most of these guys. Look, they're tough guys and everything, but there's a different style of fighting when you fight bare knuckle. And literally they stand there and punch themselves in the face. Yeah. It's not like a street fight like you see in knuckle. And literally they stand there and punch themselves in the face. Yeah. It's not like a street fight like you see in the States. But the best is they challenge each other.

Yeah. When they challenge each other. I'll tell you this, Johnny Mike, you're good for nothing. That's what you are. You're good for nothing. And you've got no balls inside you at all. I'll tell you right now. I'll fight you.

I'll fight you any time before Christmas. Any time before Christmas. You tell me. There's a video of a pikey driving to a street. They said, well, meet, what'll meet? A quarter of a click. Two flies in the present. Whoever knows that one, tweet me.

Because I tweeted it a while ago. It's really hilarious. But I can't find it in my Twitter while the show is going on. But I want to play it because it's so ridiculous. Do you want to see something really disturbing, Pikey? Irish travelers, they were talking shit before a street fight. It's even better than the actual fight itself. The most disturbing Pikey video on there is...

The most disturbing one? The most disturbing one. Someone's listening that knows exactly what I'm talking about. Please tweet it to Joe and me and Brian. It is Pikey Gets What He Deserves. Oh, no. And it's a bunch of British school kids in a park having beers,

snorting coke, smoking weed, and a pikey comes up and he wants... But it's all done post. It's a recount of the British kid going, so a little pikey comes up

and he wants a little drink. He wants a thing. And this and that. Well, we tell him it's cocaine, but guess who just got a nose full of k a special k and they cut and the pikey is fucking seizuring on the ground it's fucking sketchy it breaks your heart because you go that guy's helpless he's in a k-hole right now he's not coming out anytime soon

and it's all it's if you if you type in brian if you type in pikey gets what he deserves park or something like that you'll see it. And if fucking you just go, oh, that shit happens. That fucking happens. It does happen. But man, those Pikey fights were great. I fucking was obsessed with those for a while. Here's one of them, Brian. Can you find this? I'll tell you

the name. Tell me when you're ready. Alright. Big Joe's Davey Joyce reply to Simon O. Oh, shut the fuck up. Wait, is this a vlog? No, it's they talk shit. Say it one more time.

Okay. Big Joe's. Just type in Big Joe's Davey Joyce reply. Just type in that. Big Joe's, J-O-E-S, Davey, D-A-V-Y, Joyce, J-O-Y-C-E Joyce reply. Just type in that. Big Joe's J-O-E-S. Davy D-A-V-Y. Joyce J-O-Y-C-E reply. Look at this.

Hello, Sammy. I see you're in play there. No advice. Squeak as I call you. I see you're in play there on the internet. The machine is carrying all this internet shit. Your computer. Hold on.

Stop, stop, stop. Brian, you got two things playing at the same time. There's two things playing. There's him and then there's something going on in the background. Did you hear it? It's the local thug who gets what he deserves. It was the thing that Bert told me. Oh, they were both playing at the same time.

I'm sorry. I was baffled. I couldn't hear how horrible this was. I want to hear this guy's vlog. Yeah. This is what's going on here. There's a guy who was talking shit about him online saying, I'll fight you.

I'll fight you anytime between now and Christmas. And this guy came back to reply to him. Anytime between now and Christmas. Here he goes, President. The queue, Simon, you'll be skipping is the queue to the hospital. They'll be putting all the other places aside to see to you. Again, I'm finished with you. If you come out and fight

me, you dirty, squeaky, innocent fool, you. Innocent bastard, you. Come out and fight now, Simon. I'm ready for you. We can all do that, Simon. We can all fight with our hands. If you're willing to fight with your hands, come out now or come out and fight with your hands. We can all do that fight. Trust me on that. You dirty, squeaky, good for nothing rat poison bastard. They always take their shirts off. Always. We're serious. Please, please. Even when they have terrible chests.

Do you want me to slow it down a little? No, no, no. It's beautiful. You're the reason rat poison. For all the rats up in the site that you're living in, for to keep them open your trailer with the state of it. You're the reason rat poison. I'll slow it down a little. No, no, no. It's beautiful. What? What's he saying? You need the rat poison. You're squeaky innocent. He's just getting worked up.

You look like a down syndrome. Oh, here are the shirts off. The shirts off. Show a body like that. You have a muscle trap on you. You show a body like that. That guy's getting aroused right now. Come on down and fucking fight. Our senior innocent fools, the fellas I see in the tapes in England,

and his sons, bring them back down and fucking fight. Fight fucking now. Fight now, sir. I'm all pissed you are. Everyone in Dublin now is looking at this. I am willing to fight now, Simon. Everyone in Dublin and fucking Pasadena. This is my first time to see you, Aunt Hep. Just me over there told me a minute ago,

this swell you, he did give you brain damage, because the swellness never left your head. You have a head that size and it's all swell and innocent. You're a dirty, good-for-nothing bastard, Jack. You're a dirty, good-for-nothing bastard, Jack. I fucking love it. No, Simon, as far as I'm concerned, you are the best of the darlings, but the dirty shites I see in the temple stay at them, the dirty junkies bastards! Come out now, you, Simon, and fight! You... Ah, Simon!

I fucking love it! Oh, he comes back again! You're worst nightmare, I'm your worst nightmare. As far as I'm concerned, Anthony, we call you shite in the bucket. Shite in the bucket. You shite in the bucket for a whole two weeks, again me offer was finished with you up in Dublin. You wouldn't leave the trailer, you were shite in the bucket for two weeks. But Simon, I'm christening you now, officially, shite in the bucket as well. Because I'm finished with you, I'm closing in for you, I'm closing your

two eyes, and you're going to be shying in the book for two weeks as well. So that's what you wear as well is shying in the book. That's what we call you, shying in the book. Call you. Okay. Hold on. Stop this real quick. Can we please do this?

Okay, listen. Please, anyone, everyone right now, do their response video to this guy. Go, I don't know no shying in the book. But I know you, and I'll fucking kick your ass. Who the fuck do you think you are? Like, do you're American? Take your shirt off.

Let's see how good they can get. Oh, fuck. I want to do one tonight. I know. I want to do one. The second we get done, Brian, get a camera. I'm doing a reply to that guy.

What's his name? Big John? And I'm going to be dead fucking serious, so Big John sees it, and you know he doesn't get irony. He's going to be sitting in his trailer going, who the fuck on his slow modem that he's got fight me on use these everyone could use these john everyone can use these shirts coming off the shirt coming off is

a strange move because especially i guess it's a i don't give a fuck move it's like that white rapper that i was talking about earlier who is he takes his shirt off it's like i don't give a fuck the guy with bird man i don't know but I don't give a fuck. The guy with Birdman. I don't know, but he didn't give a fuck. His whole thing was that he didn't give a fuck. Well, this guy basically is doing the same thing. He doesn't give a fuck. Takes his shirt off.

He knows he's fat. I love it. He knows he's not impressive looking. When the shirt comes off, that's when the fucking party starts. That's not Phil Barone under there. You know, that's not a young Randy Couture. Come on, son. What are you looking at now, Brian? Are you looking at Irish funerals?

Bagpipes and buttholes. It's like buttholes put the bagpipes that's a grown man ladies and gentlemen um fucking what's that guy's name big john questions only answers big john mccarthy no that guy that guy's name was that guy's name knows it uh here i'm fucking i'm starting joe davy joyce reply to salim'Donnell. Big Joe Davey Joyce. All right. To Stymie? To Simon O'Donnell. Simon.

He was saying Simon this whole time. That's what he was saying? Stymie. All right. We're going to need some cue cards because I'm never going to remember that guy's fucking name. I'll send it to you. I'm trying to see if I can send it to you right here from my phone. There's got to be a way to. Yes.

God, that's what's great about the internet i would ask you what your email is but then the whole world would know it and i'm thinking about changing a bunch of black dicks in the mail i just had to fucking pay for a new more gmail space really yeah and that's just disgusting to me is that disgusted wait from penis pictures you're sending out no it's i think it's from just sending a lot of movie files like like video files and stuff like that. And I wish I could just be like, hey, let me download it all in one file and then erase everything. Right. Because it's only $5 a year. But still, it's like if you stop paying it, then it takes away that space, that extra 20 gigs that you pay for every year.

So it's kind of a trick. And then if that keeps on going, that's going to be like a gas price thing. And in 70 years, we're going to be paying like $5,000 a month for our Gmail space. I think you're getting out of hand here. I think you might have overstretched that one. Google has everything for free. Brian's like, eventually,

they'll control the monetary system of the world. It is. They'll pay them. They will be our overlords. Do you really truly believe that, Brian? Are you scared of Gmail? Well, I think it is a trick that they make you pay for 20 gigs extra a year. But it's a free service.

Yeah, but if you stop paying for it, then they just, what, delete the last year of your Gmail? It's kind of like a trick. Yeah, that's like why should they give you so much storage? That seems like the type of storage that a professional would use. You know why they should? Why? Because I could just make a second Gmail for free, and a third Gmail,

and a fourth Gmail, and a fifth Gmail for free. You're telling them right now. What is that, against the law? You're giving away the secrets, man. You know what I'm saying, though. What do you think about the latest in Google phones? Because I've been having these Google phone versus iPhone conversations again lately.

Will you stop with this? There's a resound that's supposed to be You know exactly what... You go buy your fucking phone and you'll know in like a month you'll be back to the iPhone.

I know 100% you would. 100%? What if I like looking at big pictures? I want them big. I want pictures big. Are they bigger? Carry your iPad around

on a sling like you used to. I got my iPad in my backpack. Oh, fuck, Joe. That's the next moneymaker right there. I want you to come out with man... like you used to. I got my iPad and my backpack. Oh, fuck, Joe. That's the next moneymaker right there. I want you to come out with man, like, fanny packs, manly fanny packs. Yeah. I got one right here.

We have a higher primate fanny pack to eventually release. Never mind. Yeah, Brian's got the most ridiculous one of all time. I'm into fanny packs. Fanny pack is more like a survival camp gear. It's good for cameras. Yeah, yeah. It's tough.

You carry too much shit. Yeah, that's like a guy on the field that needs more like a survival camp gear. It's good for cameras. Yeah, yeah. It's tough. You carry too much shit. It's like a guy on the field that needs a belt bag. It's too ridiculous for a fanny pack. It's a guy at work. I don't know. It's pretty tough. I like it a lot. Do you feel sexy with it on, though?

Yeah. I don't feel bad because I think it looks so ridiculous. When you're around your girl? I think it just looks like G.I. Joe style. It's not like when you look at a fanny pack, you're like, all right, that's just lame. This to me is more like, oh, he's got a good camera and some stuff in there like alright that's just lame this to me is like more like oh he's got a good camera and some stuff in there

you know what it looks like to me it looks like the big bad wolf I'm gonna put it on right now the big bad wolf I started watching that show Grimm

on Sundays Grimm wait when are we are you ever gonna talk about your show coming out what Fairfax yeah yeah I'll talk about it

I'm fucking are you excited yeah sure it's gonna be fun it's a funny show everyone I talk to I'll talk about it. Fucking. Are you excited? Yeah, sure. It's going to be fun. It's a funny show. I'm bugging everyone I talk to so fucking excited for it. I don't know if there's one episode where I'm not sure if they're going to be able to air it.

They haven't decided yet. Are you serious? Yeah, because it's so crazy. It's so ridiculous. Like, when I heard that we were doing it, look, let me tell you something. The way they're filming it, the stunts, everything is like way more over the top than before. The stunts are way bigger. And it's very strange. Look at Brian.

Brian's got a sexy fanny pack. That's your fanny pack, Brian? Yeah, look at that. That's like a survivor gear sort of a thing. That is a whole, that is a fucking, that's a shooter in the field fanny pack. Yeah, you could do some serious fucking airport traveling with that, though. Look at that, Brian. You know, that's a good move for the airport, dude.

So you could film us going through the airport. You're not allowed to film that, though, right at that, Brian. You know, that's a good move for the airport, dude. So you could film us going through the airport. You're not allowed to film that, though, right? Yeah, you can film. I don't know. We're going to film in the airport. The TSA,

do they allow you to film? Well, we use that camera. It's a little bit more covert. He was saying they use another camera. The other camera is the 7D, and it's a little more, it looks like a film.

Like, you just walk around with it on your neck, and it looks like you're carrying a fucking camera. That's one of the most shocking things about traveling in Europe is you realize how much more lax they are on security. They're much more relaxed.

It's much easier to travel there. Oh, I flew in. It's very nice and friendly and easygoing. It's not nearly as investigative as when you land in America. Oh, God. You know? When I flew from London to LA,

coming out of London was a cakewalk. But man, coming in to... Here's the worst part. What was the problem? They asked you a lot of questions? The biggest problem really was I wore so many different outfits in Amsterdam evening-wise. And I had so many fucking chaotic nights

that I didn't know what was in what pocket. And I literally packed and I was like, I pretty sure i'm clean but who knows who fucking knows and did they know you're coming from amsterdam uh uh no i took a train i took a train because i don't like flying i took a train from london to amsterdam and then took a train back from amsterdam that doesn't show on your um no they asked where i was and i told them amsterdam and they said, why? I said, vacationing. And here's the kicker. I had like a $30 Cuban cigar.

And I was like, fuck it. I'll just roll with it. I'll take it home. And smoke it at home. It's a Cuban cigar, but take the wrapper off. They'll never fucking know. And I told my dad, and my dad goes, don't fucking do it. It's a $250,000 fine if they catch you with it.

Well, they can't prove it. They cannot prove it. If you just stick to your guns, you can say it's Dominican. I'm going to fold like a cheap sheet. I'll be like the opposite of Kaiser Soze. I'm Kaiser Soze. Take me away. I didn't mean to.

Oh, man. I don't even limp. But it's a good cigar, man. Why would you want to give it up to the man? I have to give it up. I don't fucking ruin it. Even if 10 grand. If they said,

all right, we'll let you away with 10 grand, it fucking puts a dent in my family. Yeah. It is kind of crazy how all the rest of the world is allowed to buy cigars from Cuba, but not us. And, man, it tasted so good. You assholes. We're still mad at you.

No, they're letting us buy land in Cuba. Would you buy land in Cuba? Why? Why would I do that? I don't know. I didn't think this through. Do you have an overwhelming need to go to Cuba and plant things? If you were in there, murders would be...

I wouldn't buy land anywhere that I wouldn't want to live. Would you? Yeah. Would you imagine living in Cuba? What are you, Hemingway? I'm thinking through, okay? Hemingway in the 50s? Yeah.

Ready to make your own hotel out there and have the mob come down and run everything again? The good old days. A lot of people in Cuba, I bet, long for the good old days when the mob was running shit. Oh. That must have been nuts, man. Oh. You know, mob run Cuba in the 1950s.

When you think about what those motherfuckers were into back then, like Kennedy, how Kennedy almost flaunted his friendships with all these high-level celebrity entertainment figures and how all these hot chicks were on him all the time. Talk about rule-less, like lawless. Go to Cuba, right? In the, what, 50s, 60s?

Oh, my God. Okay, let's try to think. At what point would they prosecute you? Like, you could kill someone totally in Cuba. Really? Yeah, of course. And what do you just say? Hey, guys, got it?

I don't know Cuba's history enough to know who's... It was the most corrupt. It was the most corrupt before... Before Castro. Even when Castro came in, technically. Eddie Bravo is a huge Castro fan, and so is Joey Diaz. You sit down with Joey Diaz, he'll break it down for you forever about Castro, the good and the bad.

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Joey was born in Cuba. He was born in Cuba? Yeah, he was born in Cuba. And came to Miami? He came to America when he was really young. Shut up.

Yeah, yeah. Joey Diaz is a real deal. That's why he doesn't really know how old he is. He really doesn't know how old he is. Yeah, Joey Diaz and Bert Kreutzer have a lot in common. You both do. To be a really, really funny person,

there's a certain level of unconventionality, a certain frequency of I don't give a fuck that has to be reached. Not everybody can reach that. So when a guy comes along like you and reaches it like that, you're like, whoa. He just took a fucking pill from Johnny Knoxville.

He just did 12 shots. He's the number one party animal for rolling. You know what I mean? They just, you know. There needs to be an event that throws the conventionality. After that Rolling Stone article, there was nothing I could do. I wasn't going to get a straight job. Yeah.

Who the fuck is going to hire a guy that took a shit on a pizza box to win an election? This guy. Guys like that, you're important, man. It's important. It's important for people to push the issue. I never had a happier day in my life. Brian and I were driving to your house or from your house one night, one day. And Brian and Joey called Brian.

And Brian and they started talking on the speakerphone. Oh, that was uncomfortable because you brought it up. Well, I was in the car and I just felt like I'm eavesdropping. So I just said, I go, hey. In the middle of we're talking. In the middle of he goes, hey, wait, Joey Diaz, I just want you to know I'm in the car. I'm in the car. I just want you to know I don't like, God forbid they go.

Who's on the podcast today? Fucking Burkhardt. That guy wants to suck my dick I see him I see his eyes But it was I'm gonna make him suck my dick But I've listened to him

So much on the podcast I go I'm just saying I'm a fairy tale I'm just saying Joey I'm in the car I just want you to know that And Joey Diaz Just real smooth

Goes the machine And I was like The machine Yeah Fucking great You know You and him Have a lot in common.

Speaker fun is weird though like that, right though? Do you get calls a lot, Joe, when you're like, you have to announce it to the caller? I always do, yeah. I don't want everybody saying something fucked up. Fuck. I always tell my wife not to say the N-word. Yeah, it's important. Unfortunately, you already said that on a previous video blog.

Oh, did I? Yeah. Fuck, let's get that fight video up for Big Joe Davey. All right. No, let's shoot mine. Oh, your video? I'm ready to fucking challenge him. What would be your stance?

That he's a dirty, no good bastard? No, I'm going to go to... Oh, is this them fighting? This is the video you told me to search for earlier, Bert. No, this isn't it. This isn't it. All right. Well, that seems like a cool fight video.

Yeah, it does. Pikeys. If you just type in Pikey, you'll find so much great shit. Snatch still holds up. Snatch? Is it gay if you put a picture of shirtless Brad Pitt in Fight Club in your man cave so it inspires you to work out harder? Absolutely not. That's what I'm talking about. That movie is awesome.

Not that I'm doing that, but I have a friend who's thinking about doing i think it's awesome you just what do you do you love him as the ideal build is that what it is i'd love to look like that why can't you do it uh i'm trying i'm trying hard just work out like a maniac i'm trying i'm working on vegetables and i'm not grass-fed meat thanksgiving kind of threw a wrench in my work out like a fucking savage lift a lot of weights trick your body into thinking that it has to do this all the time. I did bench press in a fucking hotel the other day in New York. Really? Fucking pounded out.

I'm high school strong. Damn. Yeah. Really? Like 135. I'll do that shit 10 times. Whoa. 10 times?

10 times. Now what are you going to do? You're going to like. Just touch benches? Commit to like a serious weight lifting program and get really fit. Weight lifting and running. I'm running hard as shit for an hour and I'm lifting weights. Really?

Push ups. Plank. I just want my body to be. I got to get as shit for an hour, and I'm lifting weights, pushups, plank. I just want my body to be, I gotta get my blood pressure low, lower, and I just want to be healthy. I don't want to be a fat old man. I want to live,

I want to look, I don't want to look skinny, I don't want to look perfect, but I want to look like, I want to take my shirt off at the beach and go, I bet he has an active lifestyle. You know what I mean? Right.

Instead of saying, that guy might fall. Your belt, like when you showed your tattoo, your belt doesn't, it holds your pants up. It doesn't define your waistline. Does that make sense?

I see what you're saying. My belt cuts into my fat. Yeah, me too. On my pubis and my stomach. Sometimes it bleeds and you have to put a little Neosporin on it. It cuts into you. It's corn syrup.

It's the government. It's corn syrup. It's the government. It's corn syrup. The government. Corn syrup. It's cholesterol. Trans fats. That's what it is, man. It's the government keeping you fat and stupid.

And no time in history have people been fatter. I don't think there's ever been a time in history where the larger numbers of people have been fat. Like in this country, the numbers are gigantic. That's why fat menus get respect in the 20s. When you were Buster Keaton and you were fat, they're like, how did you do that? That's why you were a movie star. Like, hey, Babe Ruth, I'm here, everybody.

Everyone's like, he must have a lot of money. Yep, Babe Ruth was eating steaks and hot dogs and drinking beer. He's living high on the hog. And then now you're just fat. It looks like you're poor and don't care. It looks like you're just unhealthy and then you just have a poor diet yeah there's no connection with your personality anymore such a direct connection between what you put into your body and how your body feels man and some people just i have friends i got a buddy who's on

antidepressants and he eats terrible his fucking diet's awful i think it's lack of women i think like in the old days you used to have a wife and they used to cook for you these nice meals and stuff. To me, half the time, I'm like, okay, Jack in the Box is open. Subway is still open. It's more of like

I'm more rushing around. If I were to come home, like, oh, family dinner style, you have the kitchen table and she's like, oh, I made a casserole. And you're like,

wow, that's nice. You've been watching too many Patty Duke movies. No, that's how I grew up. That's how you grew up too many Patty Duke movies. No, that's how I grew up. That's how you grew up. That's how you grew up? That's how I grew up. I had family dinner every day.

We all sat at the table. Well, people still have family dinners, bro, and they're super unhealthy. Family dinner doesn't necessarily make it healthy. What the real problem is is most people have terrible diets. It's the woman in the house is what I'm saying. The woman in the house certainly helps, man. That definitely helps. If you live with someone, if you have kids even,

you all have good food in the house. You want to make sure everything's supplied. When I lived alone, I ate out every fucking night of the week. Oh, if I lived alone,

I'd be in great shape. Yeah, when I lived alone, I was just a comedian on a TV show. A single comedian on a TV show. Egg whites in the morning, Subway in the afternoon.

I ate in restaurants everywhere. Really? I ate in restaurants everywhere for breakfast, lunch, dinner. I would keep some food at home just to eat when I was starving if i was writing or something like that

for the most part i just went somewhere to eat you know why would i cook i don't have time for that shit what's the one thing you miss about being single the most pussy i don't miss new pussy at all no not the slightest because there was always a i had to do a song and dance to explain why that didn't go the way they thought it would like i would never i oh that's so sad i never i never that first new pussy experience you had where you would go in and you'd get on top and you were like all right this is gonna happen really fast you knew that in your head you're like the whole thing i'm trying to do is make this not prolong this moment so that she thinks it's somewhat enjoyable. The only good parts about being single are that you can have sex with more than one person.

The only bad parts of being single are that you're lonely and you're single. And it's way better to have a relationship. It's way better. But the problem is we're fucking wired to want to have sex with other women. wired to want to have sex with other women yeah so it's becomes life becomes a matter of managing your desires and and managing which ones manifest themselves into the real world because they can cause a lot of negative energy and they can cause a lot of arguments they can cause a lot of lonely nights like you gotta like look at like what is the the most logical plan of attack to have a happy life? And what is the most logical attempt to have a wild, chaotic

rollercoaster ride of... Those chaotic nights were awesome, though. Those are great, man, but... Where you're standing on top of a corner of a building in New York and the sun's coming up and you've got a fucking girl from Liverpool next to you whose tongue's stuck to the bottom of her mouth and she's like, oh, I need a more novel pack of cigarettes. What time's

the store open? That fucking shit. When you find yourself fucking in a parking lot in the middle of downtown Manhattan, you find yourself just doing crazy shit. Yeah, but ultimately it's fun. But the real problem with being single, the real problem is meeting cool people. It is fucking hard, man. It is hard to find the real person. you got to go out with them for a while you got to talk about controversial subjects you have to you know you have to to get to know

them and know how the brain is you suffer a lot of fucking fools when you're single oh my goodness you find a nickel for every crazy bitch talk and you know nuts i watched this guy on a date once and i'll never forget this. They were at a table next to us and the guy was talking with this girl and the girl was talking about her dog and how her dog is so used to the finest automobiles and Mercedes Benz and she was going off about her dog that if she ever tried to bring her dog in a taxi cab she doesn't think her dog would go in. And she was like, it was just chaos. Oh my God. that if she ever tried to bring her dog in a taxi cab, she doesn't think her dog would go in.

And she was like, it was just chaos. And I was just imagining, could you imagine if you got just stuck sitting down next to this fucking dummy and you're actually having this conversation and she's not being a joke, she's not being ironic, she's not being hilarious.

Like that could be a hilarious statement if you're being a silly person, just joking around. She wasn't joking around. She was bragging about all the finest automobiles that her dog rides in. Oh, my God. And it was just like, what kind of nonsense conversation would you have with this person? That's the real issue with being single is people don't want to be single.

You want to have someone that you can spend time with. But what are the odds of finding someone who's actually fucking cool? I mean, I met fucking 100 uncool people before I met someone cool. Of course. And then it's also a matter of what you bring out of that person, what that person brings out of you. Because you'll behave completely different in one relationship than another. In one relationship, you're a totally different guy. I was bad in all my relationships.

Cheated, fucking yelled. I wasn't a good guy. I didn't listen listen didn't give a shit and then when i met my wife things just changed for the better and i was like all right i remember thinking to myself i stayed single for a long time and then i was like i'm the fucking problem in all of these failed relationships i'm the charlie sheen like well to be a burt kreischer to be the fucking party animal you You know, you're going to crack a few eggs and make an omelet. You got to piss on a dining room table every now and then.

Fucking shit's got to go. Sometimes you got to rob a fucking train. Listen, that's the only way you make a guy who's as funny as you are in this form of the podcast. You know, these stories, these brilliant stories. You have to, I mean, your funny on stage comes from years of craft and working on it, writing and performing and stuff. you're funny on stage comes from years of craft and working on it writing and performing and stuff but your your ability to just just tell these fucking stories you know on the podcast that's why you were created the way you're created that's why your life's been so chaotic and insane

it's to create this amazing product because a diamond doesn't get made unless you have a mountain pressing up against a piece of coal and fucking smushing the shit out of it for a million years. That's how you make a fucking diamond. You know, you don't make a Burt Kreischer with like a normal childhood. Yeah. No alcohol, no drugs. And when they say, do you want a shot? You say, no, thanks.

I think I'm going to get some sleep. No. You know, when someone gives you a pill, they give you two pills. You're like, you're at least going to swallow one. I can't not fucking hang with the guy. I got to take one. Yeah, you're at least swallowing one, man. You're not completely fucking around here.

The best part about Johnny Knoxville is I ran into him at California Chicken Cafe one day. Yeah. Like fucking five years later. And I was sitting there and he walks in. Obviously, he's famous at the time. He's been doing movies. And he walks in. I go, Johnny Knoxville.

And he looks at me real quick and he goes, Burt Kreischer. I went, shut the fuck up. And he goes, the number one party animal in the country. Oh the fuck are you doing out here and i was like he remembered you totally he's the fucking greatest guy wow and his whole fucking posse was at california chicken cafe and i was like oh i wonder if he'll invite me over me thumb i want to meet steve-o that's awesome does he ever done stand-up no he's an actor he's he could tell stories yeah he seems like he could do stand-up he should do the podcast oh it'd be awesome steve-o was fucking awesome man was he i didn't find that one dude it was in the ice house chronicles number three i subscribe to that squad dude steve-o was

first of all he's cool as fuck but second of all his fucking experiences dude he was on a tree and a lion climbed up the tree and got on top i saw that on tv and that was the craziest thing i've ever seen in my fucking life and i tamed lions but i saw that and i went you did what a damned lions for bert the conqueror you did yeah i was taking a video of that no we shot it but it never aired why not the show got canceled like right after that we shot that the fight in the bear and then taming the lions and then the show got canceled right after that. We shot the fight in the bear and then Tame of the Lions, and then the show got canceled. Wow. The guy tells me, he goes...

How long ago was this? This was seven years ago. I guess. So 2004. So does this video exist? Mark Cronin has it somewhere, I'm sure. Fuck, dude. Release that shit on the internet.

It's ridiculous. It was a bizarre... Fucking Tame of the Lions was a nightmare. So you have video of you with a full-grown lion? Fucking three full-grown lions. Oh, my God. Three full-grown lions, and he brings them out. How do we get a hold of this?

Mark Cronin. Let's get a hold of Mark Cronin. Do you know him? Yeah, I know Mark. Do you have his phone number? Do you have his email address? Yeah, I know Mark Cronin. He was my boss.

He did produce the X show on FX. People would love to see that video. Put that video on YouTube. Me fighting a bear and getting fucking raped by a bear and then me taming three lions. How much money do you think if that got a million hits?

How much money do you think that someone would make if they had like those YouTube ads? I don't think. If it got a million hits. I don't know. That's a really good question.

Because I heard that like Rebecca Black chick, that girl that made that Friday Friday song that everybody hated. She's got a Blu-ray player. But it had like an unbelievable number

of views. Something like 35 million plus. I mean, it's insane. You know who would know? What's his name? John Lejoie. John Lejoie would know. I don't think he's going to tell you how much money he's making. Yeah, I wonder, man. I would think that if you could get millions of hits,

boy, that's probably... Fox owns the rights to that video, though. Fox owns the rights? Fox owns all the rights. I asked them to do a DVD. Well, I'm saying for them to release it and put an ad on it, they can make some money.

Why not? Maybe it'd be worth it for them to do it that way. I was just thinking, how much does a million hits pay in a YouTube ad? I don't know. I have no clue. It's interesting that that's sort of becoming... You guys would have...

How many hits did you get on the Monsio one? It's almost becoming sort of a democratic version of a television channel, really, when you think about it. I mean, you really have... Not only say democratic, but an open version of it. Because it's like...

There's guys like our friend from the message board, that DeSigs kid. That guy's videos have millions of hits, right? Doesn't he? Millions. Millions of hits right doesn't he millions millions of hits and he's he's got ads on those so i mean you gotta be making a few dollars here and there i don't know how much it is but essentially like this is like one step in a multi-step process of you know like exactly what we're doing here the podcast being able to make your own shit like and not need a travel channel or an NBC or

anything to produce something. You could do it all through the online. And having it online actually reaches more people than the networks. It's eventually going to happen. I mean, how many times do you watch something in full screen on your laptop or on your desktop now? Like a YouTube video and you see it. It's like cool definition.

I watched the first four episodes of Pan Am on it, and it's like, cool definition. I watched the first four episodes of Pan Am on my computer, and I was like, oh no. I can't help it. I watched Kodo Margarita, there's a fight that's coming up, and they had that 24-7,

and I watched it on YouTube. The HBO Go, if you go to HBO Go on your iPad, you can watch anything that's ever been on HBO, anything, for free. Wow.

I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? I went down and watched the entire last... All the fights? All the fucking... All the 24-7s? What is it again? HBO what?

HBO Go. You have to have, obviously, you have to have an HBO subscription. Right. But you just log in. We show it like... Oh my God. And you can watch anything they ever... Board to Death, Entourage, fucking Boardwalk Empire, Sopranos.

Comedy Specials everyone's comedy specials anything that's on there you can watch it and I'm like how the fuck does Showtime not have that how does Cinemax not have that

that is one of the greatest I'm sure eventually they will it's just HBO got there first to figure it out man HBO's on top of that shit because I'll put that on my iPad and go on the elliptical I know that sounds kind of bitchy

but go on the elliptical elliptical's better than running yeah it's better on my knees smart you can go hard man you can go hard with the elliptical or very casual and watch uh board to death what you do yeah sometimes so uh but man it's the best it just streams live my daughters this is how crazy this is happening my daughters we have we have fucking more tvs in our house than we could ever we have two in the man cave three in the in the house and my daughter's sit in front

of the computer every morning in my wife's little office and watch Netflix they stream Netflix this is the next stage we need to set up a podcast headquarters let's do

inside Burt Kreischer's man cave let's do it let's do it I'm in I'll pay for it Brian you set it up Brian's not going to set it up

he's too busy stop it you're going to have to get your own guy you're going to get your own Brian but we'll set up hang out at karaoke bars karaoke bars are a great place to start your own guy. You're going to need your own Brian. But we'll set up. Just hang out at karaoke bars in North Carolina.

Karaoke bars are a great place to start. A lot of good sound guys go to karaoke bars. Get a setup so you could just podcast anytime you want. So you're sitting at home. You hide in your man cave at 1 o'clock in the morning. Have a couple of beers by yourself. You could just start talking into a microphone. Just start ranting.

And stream it live, right? Sure. You can stream it. Absolutely. It's a beautiful fit. And you can do it just like we're doing it microphone. Just start ranting. And stream it live, right? Sure. You can stream it. Absolutely. It's a beautiful thing. And you can do it just like we're doing it here. I'm doing it. It also goes to MP3.

Good. We have a Zoom. Let's name it. Let's name it. You're buying a Zoom? Did you say you're buying a Zoom? Not a Zoom. It's a Zoom.

I'm buying a Zoom. A Zoom is the MP3 recorder, bro. That's the one that Ari Shaffir uses. And then I'm getting a, and I got a good camera right now. Set it up. One shot. What do we name it? Well, yeah.

That's exactly what I was going to say. What do we call this thing? The Machine in the Man Cave? That's not bad. That's not bad. Machine in the Man Cave is not fucking bad. The only thing I would think of is you would want people to be able to... Well, what the fuck with Marc Maron?

I don't... Machine in the Man Cave... I don't know if i want people finding burt kreischer because i don't know if travel channel is going to be fucking super happy what about me making another tv show it's an internet podcast you're not getting paid for it you're doing it for your fans you're doing it because you're an entertaining motherfucker and people want to hear you talk all the time and look what we're doing right now, there's a lot of people right now that are in their cars. There's a lot of people at the gym.

There's a lot of people that are making some boring ass commute. A lot of people are taking the train into New York or back out to Jersey. Exactly. And it's boring as fuck. It drives them nuts.

And you can bring a little joy. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'm doing it in my man cave and I am getting on this shit before I go back on the road to Chicago. There you go. I'm getting on this shit. I'm making it. I'm doing it. I'm doing it in my man cave, and I am getting on this shit before I go back on the road to Chicago. There you go.

I'm getting on this shit. I'm making it happen. So the machine in his man cave. I don't know. Don't worry, but the Travel Channel is only going to like it because it's only going to promote your show more. Yeah.

It's like, why would it hurt? It's not going to hurt, bro. Hopefully it's just like it on Facebook. Yeah, dude. Yeah, your online presence right now is just starting to blossom. You know? If you had your own podcast, you'd be straight running shit, Bert Kreischer. Am I right, Brian?

Yeah. You're a bad motherfucker, Bert Kreischer. I'm doing it. I think you should just do it here, though. I don't think you should do it in your man cave. Well, you could do it here. You know? Come to Brian's.

It's the easiest way to do it. I like to be a little buzzed if I'm going to do it sometimes. That's what the couch is for. Yeah, I know. But what am I, spend the night here? Yeah. You want to cuddle with Brian. Sorry, girls.

Daddy's a death squad. I can't make it home. You know how cool that sentence sounds? Do it. Daddy's a death squad? That's the name of the podcast? Well, I should tell everybody because people always ask, where did this death squad name come from?

You guys call yourselves the death squad? That's the gest shit ever. Opie. Yeah, Opie from Opie and Anthony. I came into the studio, and it was with my friend Eddie Bravo, Brazilian jiu-jitsu black belt, first American to ever tap a Gracie. I saw that fight. Tate Fletcher, 205-pound fighter from The Ultimate Fighter.

I was there. Yeah, i was there yeah brian was there and he's obviously a killer i filmed it so i probably have it on film yeah and so you know opie looks and he goes uh it's joe rogan brother the death squad you know and we just started joking around yeah bro with a death squad like just as a goof and it became now it's like one of those words like you hear it you know you hear death squad and you go that is the douchiest most aggro dumb but to us it doesn't even have that same meaning anymore that's why the logo bounces it out yeah the logo with the cat it's like when you it's like when you and your friends it's just a name when you and your friends heard a bunch of douchebags saying like broham at spring break and

then you started calling each other broham as a joke and then all of a sudden you start calling each other Broham for real. You're like, Broham. And he's like, what's up, Broham? Oh, no. Random white guys. Who are those guys? One of those random white guys. I'm doing it, Joe. That squad sounds the douchiest thing ever, but it's just a group of nice people.

It's a group of nice people that want to make you laugh. I don't know why that's so douchey. The douchey name just sort of balances it out. Otherwise, we'd be too fae. We'd be taken advantage of. People would stomp all over us. They wouldn't fear us, Bert Kreischer.

People fear us. Bert Kreischer, there's any message you want to give to the young people of the world. What is it? What have you learned in your time on this planet, my friend? Just take half. Just take half? Yeah. Don't try to overdo it with drugs.

Just take one. Just take one. Just take half. Just take one. Johnny Knox will give you two. Johnny Knox will give you two. Take one. That's sound advice, sir.

Sound advice. My advice would be pretend you're taking it, spit that bitch in a glass, wait a few hours to see if anybody dies. See how many people die but the problem is then when you do take it if nobody dies then unfortunately you're going to be like last one to the party you know you last one to the k-hole oh man everybody will be coming out and you'll be sliding in uh one time uh this is fucking right after college we go to a we go to a strip club i'm living in new york we go to a strip my own boy'm living in New York. We go to a strip club. My mom and my dad is getting married in Atlanta

and everyone gets ecstasy. So we go to this bus, this big fucking party bus and we're going to the strip clubs in the hood, in the swats. And it was just when Outkast came on with that song,

everybody move to the back of the bus. And they were playing that on repeat and everyone took ecstasy. Whoa. And everyone was taking it. And they gave me one and I was like, oh, I'm going to take it. And then the last minute I went, I'm not going to take it. I don't want to take ecstasy tonight. was taking it and they gave me one and i was like oh i'm gonna take it and

then the last minute i went i'm not gonna take it i don't want to take ecstasy tonight i think i'm cool and then 35 minutes everyone started fucking going flipper just passing out and i was like and they were moving bodies i remember flipper like going like seizing like having seizures and they go fucking fall down everyone just had an instinct to not take this. I remember I was in the bathroom. I had it in my hand. That's beautiful that you followed that. And I was just like, I don't want to take ecstasy, man.

I'm fine. I was past that phase in my life. And I was like, I'm not going to fucking take ecstasy. But they had given it to me. And I was like, I have it in my hand. Dude, that could have changed your life. You could have got brain damage from that. Well, all my friends now are fucking stockbrokers.

There you go. Brain damage. You're all goddamn psychopaths. You're all responsible for the corruption that has led to the downfall of this great economy oh god damn it burke kreischer but yeah I did I dodged that bullet make your contribution to the world burke kreischer buy american cars do you buy american cars I have a ford out there good for you that's what I'm talking about sink that shit I really would like to go all american what are you what are you driving today um today I'm fucking talking about. Sink that shit. I really would like to go all American. What are you driving today?

Today I got my BMW. You have a Ford Mustang. It's my favorite car. It's my most silly car, but my favorite car. But the next Mustang I'm going to get is a hardtop. The ragtop freaks me out. The fact that the fucking meteor could just hit you on the head. The odds of that happening are very slim. I just checked it out. about that you know um it's like the i have it's also good thing i had a hard time well it'll lessen the blow

perhaps okay guys it's tom seguraura. All right, put him on. All right. Oh, it's hooked onto my fucking car. Hold on. Why is your car on? Oh, why is my car on? It's not on. It's driving. Fonz.

Put it on speakerphone. I'm trying. You want me to do it for you? Hey, what's up, man? Hey, you're on the Joe Rogan podcast with Joe Rogan. Hey, Tommy Bones. Hey, what's up guys Tommy Bunz we're going to talk about that guy

Bert Cresci's got a problem with that guy Nothing Bunz Where you at You by Pasadena come say hi No man I'm not by Pasadena. Where are you at? Are you guys still doing it right now? We're doing it right now.

We're live right now. Yeah. Oh, fuck, man. Well, I'm going to tell you a story. I'm going to tell you a story. I'm going to tell you a story. Tommy, I'm going to tell him about the time I shaved your underarms. You shaved his underarms?

All right. Have fun with that, man. All right, I love you. Bye, Tommy. We were in Hawaii doing a gig. He shaved his underarms. So wait, Tom's hair. Tom's so fucking hairy.

His hair connects from his underarms to his chest. And I was like, and I saw it, and I go, Tom, you can't let that happen, man. I'm so glad you brought this up, because I wanted you to tell me what you told me last night. Is that cool? Can you tell me last night. Is that cool? Can you tell me last night what those guys said? What the guy said about

like the reason why you were happy that Russell Peters wasn't there when you guys were shooting guns? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tell that story, please. So wait, so let's, I'll start with so we do, me, Tom and Russell Peters do a gig

for the USO, for the military in Pearl Harbor. Our buddy Charlie books it, flies us all down. Russell's brother's there. Russell's a great guy. I love Russell. I love Russell. And I love his brother even more. If I could tickle one person to death, it would be his brother.

His brother Clayton has got the best giggle in the world. Brian just gets mad. That's rude. Brian wishes it was him. Think about it a little bit. So we get there. People on the table. Now, Russell's definitely a big, like, he's a big name. And he doesn't, he's not going to, he's there to do the show. He's also there for vacation with his chick and his brother and his wife,

and they're having a good time, and they want us all to hang out. But there's, like, a list of things that they kind of wanted us to do. One of them is, like, sample firearms, like, go out and shoot firearms and, like, do this, like, thing where these people come up in the screen and you've got to shoot and, and like do this like thing where these people come up in the, in the screen and you got to shoot them and Russell don't want to do that shit. So we're like, we're like, all right. So me, Tom, Charlie, and all our wives go out to do this like simulation where it's, it's war. We're all have guns. We all have fucking, there's a big thing up and we get out there and we're like, man, I wish Russell would come. This is really cool.

And Tom's like, yeah, I know. And then the guy comes up and he's like all right the simulation's starting in 30 seconds if it's brown and it moves you kill it and we were like well thank god russell didn't come because he would not have enjoyed this game at all that impression is amazing give me that impression again all right this starts in 30 seconds if it's brown and it moves, you kill it. God damn. That sounds like Nick Nolte. It's my old. Nick Nolte about 10 years ago.

Yeah. He's still robust. Oh, man. That is the craziest shit ever. So they're joking around about killing brown people. Yeah, and then Tom and I just kind of blow it off. We're like, that was fucked up. I'm glad Russell wasn't here for that.

Or Clayton because they're both very brown. So then we go to do the show, and I go first and i and it's like i kind of do okay uh but i'm hosting a little bit tom's younger at comedy at the time so he's gonna go second because it's a little easier of a spot he goes second he opens with a joke like uh they say don't make fun of hawaiians tom's opening joke was wow island living's uh really slow down here that's what they told me. I didn't know they were talking about your metabolisms. Wow, these people are fat.

Like that's his opening joke, right? Yeah. So then Russell goes on stage, and Tom and I realized for the first time we put the dots together that these people have been trained to kill brown people, and they just have a brown person headlining on stage, and they're not seeing the nuances of Indian versus Iraqi. They're just seeing brown. And you can hear the murmur in the crowd just like,

why is this guy here? Why don't we have a white guy? Like in their heads. Really? Yeah, and Tom and I were just like, ugh. And what about black guys? Black is very different than brown. Right.

I mean, look, I'm also categorizing. Were the black guys having, what are they saying? We wish we had a black guy? No, I don't. We wish we had a white guy? What were they saying? There weren't a lot of black guys, to be honest with you. It was a lot of white guys.

Yeah, it was. I mean, it was Pearl Harbor. We weren't in like the thick of it. It was a lot of officers. It was the Navy. Like, I mean. And I'm also putting words in the mouths of people who aren't allowed to talk right now. So I don't want you to think I'm from Pearl Harbor.

I don't have a problem with brown people. But I'm telling you, this was the heat of the war. And this is what me and Tom experienced. Yeah, just tell the truth. And we were like, fuck. And then the next day, they were like, yeah, you're never coming back.

Whoa. And Charlie lost that gig. It was a really cool gig, Hawaii, for like a week. But so during this gig, So you would go to Hawaii for a week and do how many shows? Just one show. Oh, two shows. You used to do two shows. One in like go to Hawaii for a week and do how many shows? Just one show. Oh, two shows.

You used to do two shows. One in like the mess hall for the guys and that could be dirty as you wanted to do. And then one in, and then one for like that was on stage and like Dog the Bounty Hunter would come out and like wave to everybody. So did they cancel it because Russell was brown?

I think they said they canceled it because Tom and I were dirty, but we weren't really dirty. You know? Like, we didn't, like, curse at all. But I think they just canceled it. You can't curse? It was also a nuke. You couldn't curse at all. How crazy is that?

But no one cursed. No one cursed. Did you imagine, though, the idea that you are, they can send you to war. They can arm you with guns and tell you you're supposed to kill these people. Yeah. But you can't hear anybody swear

at a comedy show. I mean, it's the military. I think that's pretty much like their thing. They don't ever let people curse on their shows. I remember I read a Louis C.K. article

that he had on his blog about going to overseas to entertain the troops and about how one time he kind of got dirty at a show and he apologized afterwards, but he's just like, couldn't help it. They were loving it. They were just going crazy and, you know, he couldn't help it. He just wanted to entertain them.

He wanted them to be laughing. But yeah, I guess they do a lot of censorship, huh? Yeah. A lot of them keep you from really doing your full act, right? But the first night there, me and tom get there and there's no russell's not there it's just me and tom and our wives and tom and i proceed to get fucking pissed drunk and on the beach and then we go up to his room i don't know my wife falls asleep it's me tom and christina push i call her in in his room and tom has his shirt off and he's and his chest hair connects from his armpits to his tits so

tommy let me sharpen me shape that for you. I'll shape it so it looks like you have breasts so you look more muscular. And he goes, you think that'll work? I'm like, yeah, we're both really drunk. So I shave a line, right? I shave a line here and I give him a very well-defined armpit hair

that looks like a fucking mustache and then I shave all this and I just give him what looks like... You have pictures of it and then i shave all this and i just give him what looks like it looks yeah tom's got pictures it looks like his tits wearing a tits are wearing a mask about to commit a robbery and this looks like fucking two tits going oh no one knows who we are all right well folks we need you to harass tom segura on twitter and tell him to put these pictures online we need to see these pictures yeah he's got him he posted on i think they're on his facebook to be honest with you he's gonna put it on your mom's see these pictures. Yeah, he's got them. He posted them. I think they're on his Facebook, to be honest with you. He's going to put it

on your mom's house this week. Tom's a great guy. He really is one of the funniest fucking guys. So did you want to talk about that situation you had or no? Yeah, five. Five minutes? Perfect.

So you want to talk about that situation you had or no? I mean, I don't know what to say. I mean, I don't know. It's a weird fucking... You don't have to talk about it. What would you say? What would I say if I mean, I don't know. It's a weird fucking... You don't have to talk about it. What would you say? What would I say if I was you?

No, no, no, no, no. It's, I don't know. If I saw Bieber at a grocery store, I would also get hard on. Is that what you're talking about? No, no, no, no, no. Listen, I don't want to force you into anything, so we'll just end this thing right here.

Joe! Seriously. We've got to end anyway. We've got five minutes before the power goes off because this is a three-hour podcast already. And at three hours, Ustream cuts it off, and then it becomes two separate hunks, and it gets annoying. Jay Moore and I have been very incestuous, I would say, with this Tracy Morgan story. Jay has admittedly on his podcast said, he told it about that it happened to him. And he distinctly regrets ever having told it on Opie and Anthony that it happened to him.

He started telling it that it happened to me. And at the time that he told it that it happened about me, I was like, oh, fuck, that makes me feel like whatever. It was a story I never wanted told. I didn't want it told because I don't know Tracy. I'm telling, it's's a fucking something i never wanted i want it to be behind the scenes like when you have a good mitch hedberg story i thought it would be one of those you know and uh and thought it'd be a good story that we'd tell at comedy

clubs and right yeah which there's a lot of those there's a lot of like yeah i got a great auto and george story there's a bunch of great stories that we all tell to each other yeah and so jay started telling on stage and then started telling us that it happened to him i talked to him on his podcast about it and he distinctly said i'm i'm done telling it i'm never going to tell it again i don't want to tell it anymore it's my wife thought it was a bad idea the first time i told it and then and then what happened was we went to amsterdam and and gary finkel or gary garfinkel the vp VP of Showtime said to me in front of a bunch of comics you're Bert

from the Tracy Morgan story Jay tells on his special and which fucking is like throwing lunch meat in front of lions everyone's like what do you mean what do you mean and then I two fold protective of a friend I was concerned that he had taped it

for his special and i was like it's that's it's gonna make it's fucking sociopathic you can't do that but he i talked to him today and he said you know he did he did tape it for a special but he told it that it happened to me which i you know is a very it's still a weird middle ground because i'm you know it's still your story it's still your life it's still your bit it's still your your story you told him the reason why it was funny in the first place because you told him he laughed at it and then he repeated what you said yeah that's your story the the events in i mean it's you know whether it's you know look every story is not exactly the events in category in you know in order in

absolute order it's there's a an art to telling a story and that's what you're really good at you're really good at not just telling stories, but telling them with economy of words and setting them up correctly and building it right to a big ending. And that's what you did in that thing. It's not just a story, okay? Because you didn't tell that story as if

you're connecting the dots. Man walks on land, man finds plant, man eats plant. You didn't do that. What you did is you told it in a theatric way and he just simply repeated that okay that's not telling someone's story that's stealing someone's bit yeah it's you know it right brian i think so absolutely if i told you a story of something that was really insane like i mean it's like that's that's a real story that's like i got i saw he's gonna stop doing i saw somebody get hit on the highway and die you know like the brain splattered out i talked

about a long ass time ago on a podcast and it was like one of the biggest craziest things that's ever happened to me if i told that story to joe and then joe started doing it originally as it happened to him on stage to begin with immediately that would piss me off so fucking hard and then the fact that you've talked to him already i think that would even make it even a thousand times worse you know i i think that i think that in this in this worst case scenario uh that i that this is you know obviously but i think he's obviously taken for granted the fact that the the story is structured in a funny way you know you told him a story that's structured in a funny way

it's not simply a bunch of facts just put together in a timeline you told it to him in an entertaining way and you know the the out of the all this that happened i think the best best of the worst case scenario was that he did he does tell it on his special i mean i you know he does tell it on his special that it happened to me so in a in a weird way i get yeah he gets the last for something like well yeah that's pretty important i mean yeah it's it's jay yeah well it's i'm fucking he doesn't want to not do it because it's too good yeah uh yeah it's too good and it's written out how you said it to him it's not like he did not put the words in the story you told him the only the only the only fair thing to do is have jay on the podcast and let him tell his side of the story i don't know i mean

or not or act like like like exactly how we acted like before we just don't fucking talk to the guy and we don't have anything to do with that guy i don't want to be a part of i don't want to be a part of of the of an attack on jay at all because i never i mean it's as much as i should have been a fucking grown man i should have been a grown man at the very beginning if i wasn't comfortable with what was being happened i should have been a grown man that stood up and said i don't like this make it stop right now that's what i should have done you're right and in essence i i didn't and so and so what is happening is exactly you what you sow. I allowed whatever is happening to happen and it's as much my fault as it is anyone's.

You're in a bad relationship. Yeah, you need to break up. That's what it sounds like. You're in an abusive relationship. You do, you need to break up. Is that what's going on? Does he kiss you on the belly? Does he make you do things you don't want to do?

Yeah. What does he do? There's a secret here. You're molested. I'm being molested by Jay Moore. We're going to turn down the lights. I'm being molested by Jay Moore. Are we running out of time yet, Brian?

Sandusky says yes. If we run out of time, I don't want this to go over. We good? Well, we're over on iTunes, but we have about seven minutes on Ustream. I'm being molested. So over on iTunes means what? That might work better.

The Ustream is a thing that... Tom and I had a conversation about it last night. And it is behavior... If, in fact, I should take responsibility for everything. My ego was inflamed the first time he told it. And he said that it happened to me. My ego was inflamed. And I loved it because it made me feel good. It made me feel like I was a real comic.

That I had a real fucking thing. And then I thought that was where it would end. I didn't, you know. Obviously, we said this. How does Tracy Morgan feel about this story? I don't want fucking to find out. Because here's the worst part is I never wanted Tracy to. The reason I never told it is I didn't want fucking Tracy to out. Because here's the worst part is I never wanted Tracy to, the reason I never told it

is I didn't want fucking Tracy to go, man, who the fuck's Bert Kreischer? Why'd you tell that story? Why can't you keep that to yourself? Yeah.

You know, I have kids. I'm, you know. That's the fucking worst part of it is I, I mean,

I think Tracy, I doubt he remembers that night in the slightest, but I don't know how he'd act. I don't know how he'd act. Hopefully, you know, here's the worst part is I told it.

I told the story to a bunch of comics in Cincinnati with Tony Woods. Tony Woods is one of my good friends who used to party all the time, and Tony was there that night. And Tony, you know when you tell a story so much, and then you start going, how much of this is true? You just end up hitting the beats of your story. Right, right, right. And then you're like, yeah, you're like, what?

And so I said to Tony, I go, I'm going to tell the story again. I go, man, step in at any point and tell me where I'm straying off from the exact truth. And he was like, okay. Told the whole story verbatim. And Tony, the only point that corrected is he thought Tracy said more before he said, now that's how you get out of paying a check. He thought that, he was like, no, Tracy stood up and he was like, check this,

and gave a little bit of a monologue, which I just got to the. Oh, so he said a few more things. Like he stood up and he was like, yeah, yeah, and then as we left, he was like. Just change that to like somebody else,

like Alan Thicke or something. It's your story, dude. It's your story, period. You know, and that's disturbing. It's depressing. Isn't it? Yeah.

It was a great podcast. I'm glad we ended on that yeah i had a great time it's important man it's important for him as much as it's important for you to not let people step on you for him to not step on people you know he he knows i think he knows everything that he did wrong in that trans transgression that you were a little bit weak and i was weak and so so if anyone is at fault, I'm as much at fault. A little bit. You let him step on you.

Yeah, so it's completely, it is something that if I want to have a productive life as a comic, I fucking pass it. Maybe people hear that story and they go, who the fuck's Bert Kreischer? And they research me after a special.

I think that's going to do more damage to him than it's going to benefit him. He's a great storyteller. He's a funny guy. He's a to benefit him he's a great storyteller he's a funny guy he's a really funny and he's telling your story like that it makes him seem illegitimate it really i mean he's he's got he's better than that he doesn't need to do that he does not his whole act is good it's he's a solid comic he's a very funny guy and he doesn't need to do that one bit that one bit discredits him in a way that's unfortunate and unnecessary. And unfortunately, really, truly, it's going to define him. How much more does that bit kill than the rest of his material?

It's a great bit, man. It's a pretty good bit. He does a really fucking bananas Tracy Morgan impression. It's dynamite. Yeah. It's almost excusable just because the Morgan impression is so fucking good. It's really fucking good. When you read the chat threads on YouTube, it's like...

He could do that with anybody, though, man. He does a great Colin Quinn. I mean, he's a great impressionist. He's one of the best. He's, in my opinion, one of the most underappreciated impressionists amongst comedians. Hands down. His Colin Quinn is on the fucking button, and it's really funny. He has, like, funny shit that he says.

Are you guys backtracking? No. No, no, no. I loved it. I'm never going to fucking... And it's really funny. He has funny shit that he says. Are you guys backtracking? No. No, no. I loved it. I'm never going to fucking. Listen, man, you can't not be honest. I'm just kidding. You've got to express the positives, the negatives, the whole ball of wax.

It's not. And he would agree. I would venture to say he would probably, if he was sitting at this table, agree with everything we're saying to a large point. thing we're saying to to a large point and i think his wife is uh nick is a lot like you in the sense that the first time he told that on opiate anthony as if it happened to him she was like you're fucked up you can't do that you can't say that it happened to you you don't have to you don't have to it's not necessarily you know mark tween once said always tell the truth that way you don't have to remember anything and it's a smart fucking thing. It's a smart way to be.

You know, people forgive you for the truth. What they don't forgive is horseshit. Because then, god damn it, it's tough enough communicating with people with noises that you make with your fucking mouth. You know, that we attach to a bunch of meaning. It's difficult. It's difficult to do. When I find out that you're making artificial noises, you're faking it, that you're saying things that aren't true, or you're bullshitting me, or you're representing yourself in any way where I feel like now I can't get an honest read from you. Now our communication is all horseshit because you just have this impression that you want to put out. You don't want me to know the real you.

You want to put out this impression, and you want me to respond to it in a positive way to fill up your fucking insecurities okay and that's not what it's supposed to be all about that's why when you were talking about your machine story and you were saying could you imagine if that machine story if somebody came up to you and goes dude you go everywhere you go people yell out the machine yeah i mean i have a t-shirt i have two of them that say the machine has your face on it yeah could you imagine if that wasn't a real story it would it would or if it happened to somebody else oh it would fucking crush crush me no man that say the machine has your face on it. Yeah. Could you imagine if that wasn't a real story? It would. Or if it happened to somebody else. Oh, it would fucking crush me.

Crush me. No, man. If someone found out that it was entirely fabricated, no one would ever listen to a word. That's the only reason I ever was hesitant about ever telling a Tracy Morgan story in the first place because all it took was Tracy Morgan one time saying that never happened and my

entire credentials as a comic for the rest of my life were done with. No matter if me and Tony Woods stood on a soapbox in Washington Square Park like Charlie Burnett said. I disagree and I think everybody would believe you. Oh yeah maybe maybe I don't know. You know how people view Tracy Morgan.

I remember when I was a young comic in New York saying I had a story that was this, it was based off of a bit that I had heard in a music and I liked the way they tagged the song and I just wrote this bit with this story involved and the tag was this song from an outcast lyric and it was great. It was fucking great. And this fucking guy came up to me and he goes, that is one of the best stories I've ever heard. It has id, it has ego, it has everything that's one of the best stories I've ever heard. It has id.

It has ego. It has everything that's beautiful about a story. You've got to tell me. Is it true? And I looked at him and I wanted credit. And I went, no. I fucking made it up. And he looked at me like I told him, I fucked Santa Claus in the ass.

I fucked Santa Claus in the ass. And I was like, number one, I will never fucking make up a story. I will never make up a fucking fabricated... That is, you just don't have anything to fucking put your head on the end of the pillow at the end of the night. You go, all I got or whatever happened to me, however I fucking tell it, however I craft it, and present it. Unless you tell a story that you wrote and made up and then go, I just made that up.

That didn't really happen. Oh, yeah. I've done that before plenty of times. There's nothing wrong with that. Yeah of times. Nothing wrong with that. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that. You're doing something for comic relief. As long as you're not trying to mislead people. Yeah.

As long as you're only doing it for a joke. Your intention is to fucking entertain. That's what my job is. I'm a fucking comedian. He's a fucking comedian. He's a good one, goddammit. Follow him on Twitter. It's Bert Kreischer, B-E-R-T-K-R-E-I-S-C-H-E-R.

Holla at your boy and follow him online at Bert, Bert, B-E-R-T-K-R-E-I-S-C-H-E-R. Holla at your boy and follow him online at BertBertBert. There's some sort of a sale today, but apparently there's no fucking sale. There's a Cyber Monday sale at BertBertBert.com. Just buy his shirt. I prefer the thin one. I have both. The heather. Yeah, everyone rocks the heather.

It's very nice. It makes me feel sexy. I like it. It's a light fit. It's like a summer breeze. Summer breeze. Make me feel fine. Thank you to's a light fit it's like a summer breeze make me feel fine thank you to the fleshlight for sponsoring our podcast and if you go to joe rogan.net click on

the link for the fleshlight enter in the code name rogan you will get 15 off the number one sex toy for men my favorite podcast we've done so far dude you're the best this is my favorite one we've had we're also sponsored by on it.com o-n-n-i-t today is monday february 28th and it is cyber monday 25 off everything when you put in the code word cyber other than that after today enter in the code name rogan get 10 off your alpha brain go get yourself some new mood get your shit together bitches we love you we appreciate you we're all in this shit together we got a lot of more people this week a lot of more people this week. A lot of more.

I want to do that live show. Oh, we're going to have Adam Curry, too. Adam Curry, you communicated to us through your podcast. We communicate back. You're the man who created the podcast. We would love to have you on. Oh, shut up. Yeah.

Holla from MTV. Remember Adam Curry? Yes, that's what I was like. From MTV? Yeah, we've got Twitter people are putting this in motion. Thank you, Twitter people. I don't have your name, whoever you did this, my one gentleman that I was communicating with, but thank you, sir. All right.

I love you, bitches. We'll see you tomorrow. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. What?