The Joe Rogan Experience - #1623 - Doug Stanhope

Episode Date: March 25, 2021

Doug Stanhope is a standup comedian, author, and host of the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Check out his latest audiobook No Encore for the Donkey, available now as an Audible Original.

the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day douglas i am fucking nervous why for real yeah why uh it's a no it's a good thing i haven't left my fucking house in a year. You've been totally locked up. Well, I mean, I go to the grocery store. How did you avoid getting it? You didn't get it at all, right? No.

The cooties? No. Because everyone I know is a shut-in, too. And I fucking loved it. I left a day after my year anniversary. I packed a week before coming here. So all you've done is go to the food store? Yep.

Wow. I went up to Phoenix for New Year's to see, it's a long story, to see a dog that I almost kept. But I gave away. Anyway, so yes, basically, no, I have not left fucking Bisbee, Arizona in a year. Wow. And I didn't think it affected me until I left. It's like, if you stayed in bed for a year going,

I don't need to walk. I know how to walk. And then after a year, you're like, fuck my legs. What feels the weirdest? Just figuring out how to pack for the road i packed everything i drove and uh i left sunday to be here wednesday it's a 13 hour drive i could have done it in one shot

but i was so excited i'm gonna leave on sunday and just take the back roads. And like, I practiced talking on the phone before I came here an hour and a half before I'm just calling people. Like, I don't talk to anyone on the phone. The only time I use the phone is to figure out where to meet you to talk. I don't socialize on the phone. You and I talk maybe twice a year tops and when i see it's you i go do i have an hour okay i'll make an hour because we don't but otherwise so i was like i haven't talked to people other than do you have a room available for three days right three and a half days so i was calling you know bingo and Brian Hennigan going, just talk to me. You know, I packed what I thought was a carload of shit.

I forgot vodka, which is my go-to drink, and a shirt. I only had the T-shirt that I was wearing that after three days started to stink. And I went, fuck, I didn't pack another shirt. Did you go shirt shopping then? Yeah, I went to the thrift store. Oh, thrift store. Yeah, of course. Yes.

You notice I'm fucking, like I brought two different suits, like goofy suits. Right. And I'm like, I've been wearing pajamas for a year. I think I would be even more awkward if I was wearing a suit, especially with stupid hair. When did the goofy suits become a thing with you? Like what year?

1989. It started in telemarketing because my mother would send me goofy suits like that because they had just gone out of style like in that earlier that decade. So they're fucking. It's like buying acid wash jeans now yeah they're a fucking nickel a pair at the thrift store i think jamie has a few pairs you have any of those acid wash sweatpants oh yes that's right sweatpants yeah but that's your signature shit now the goofy suit yeah and i go i don't think i'm ready to put on a goofy suit. I don't know if it would clash with the goofy hair. Because people will show up at my shows in goofy suits.

But they'll have like plaid on plaid. And you go, no, that doesn't work. I accessorize perfectly in a goofy suit. But I go, I have the goofy hair now. Is that like polka dots on plaid? I don't know. Right, have you gone too far? Yeah, I want to be comfortable here.

So I'm wearing pajamas like I have for the last year Why don't you wear pajamas? That's what I'm wearing Pajama pants are those pajama pants? Yeah, okay. There you go. And this is uh, this was my old travel shirt I wore this anytime I traveled but yeah, I want to be comfortable. I don't want to You've stayed within your means very well. Like, you've never had to worry about finances. Like, you dialed that in early.

Yeah. You never fell into the trap a lot of people do. Whether, like, buy a bigger house or buy a bigger car or this or that. My shit's paid for. After a year of not working, I go, ooh, I always bragged about how much fucking I don't need to work. And then I go, all right, now I'm starting to worry. Should I buy this dumb plastic shit from Amazon or not? When do you think you're going to start working again?

Are you going to get the vaccine? I got my first shot. Which one? The Pfizer or the Moderna? No, Moderna. I got my first shot which one the pfizer or the moderna i got my first shot about two weeks ago two weeks ago tomorrow why is it funny because i just realized i still have the fucking band-aid when i took a bath i'm such a fucking slothful pig when it comes to bathing and it's still there.

I didn't wash that hard that it came off even last night. They're resilient, those Band-Aids. They'll stick around for a while. Well, I'm going to get my follow-up shot two weeks from now from the same lady, and I want her to see the same dirty bandage and make her take it off. I know that's rude, but I think it's funny.

So you're getting the shots in Bisbee? Is it hard to get it? Or do they have a good supply? Yeah, well, it just... I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but I'd probably cut a line. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, yeah.

But yesterday, Cochise County tweeted, okay, now 18 and up. And I go, yeah, that. Yeah. But yesterday, Cochise County tweeted, OK, now 18 and up. And I go, yeah, that's great. You tweeted that. But maybe nine people in all of Cochise County are on Twitter. You get to go door to door to fucking alert these people. The UFC contacted me. They have a large supply of Johnson and Johnson vaccines.

That's the one you only take one shot. It's different. It's not an MRNA vaccine. It's a different vaccine. What is it called? An adenovirus? Is that what it's called? Do you know what it's called?

Some sort of different shot. But they want to give it to me this weekend. Oh, so you haven't had your first yet? No. All right. I don't know your... You know, I just... I hear about you.

Oh. You hear about me. I think he's an anti-masker. Well, maybe he's an anti-vaxxer. No, I'm neither anti-mask or anti-vax. I'm neither one of those things. But I'm not worried about the virus. Everyone that I know that got it, they were sick for

like a day. My whole family got it and I didn't get it. But I'm on so much shit between vitamins and testosterone and I'm in the fucking sauna every day. Like, what does this say? Unlike the mRNA virus from Pfizer-Moderna, which deliver fat-covered bits of genetic material

into your cells, the Johnson & Johnson vaccine uses a shell of a virus to carry genetic material into your cells. The Johnson & Johnson vaccine uses a shell of a virus to carry genetic material into your cells. Says Gandhi. Gandhi's the guy? That's the doctor. How weird. Change your name, bro.

You know, that's like Dr. Hitler. You know what I mean? Like, maybe time for a fucking name change. Well, maybe he's changed his name up. Like, oh, I was Dr. Hitler. I should change it to something more easily consumable. He became Gandhi.

The shell is an adenovirus, which normally causes colds, but it has been modified so it no longer replicate and make you sick. All right, you don't need to read all that. We'll have people tune out

in the third hour. They're tuned out already. So, yeah. So, no, I'm not not anti people get mad at me because i said i don't think i need the vaccine wait here's the thing you have the longest uh platform in the shortest attention span society's ever known so when people put the the viral clip of rogue uh burb telling you don't act like we know what the fuck we're talking about. Right, right, right. That was like 22

seconds of a three hour podcast. So they go, oh, Rogan's a fucking anti-masker. That was me trying to get Burr riled up. Yeah, but I'm saying people don't have, there's no context anymore. Right, of course. It's done. It is weird.

Because you think like people know what you're doing. Like, with Bill, you're always like, come on, you're going to listen to them? You're always going to say that to him. He's like, wah, wah. And then you fucking crank him up and let him go. Yeah. You know? So I'm like, you really think these fucking masks work?

You know, they say masks are all bullshit. And then next thing you know, Bill's, oh, that fucking Irish face gets red, and he's on a rant i i mean obviously masks do something you're breathing through a filter it's the the question is like how much does it filter i don't know i mean some people say it does nothing because the air is getting in and the particles are smaller than the air and some people say it blocks a lot of what's coming out like a certain percentage of it but here's the thing like look at how few people got the flu this year there that's my hypocrisy i got first of all covid for me for a year has been the best excuse i've ever had this is one of the best years of my life was 2020 plus one uh was yeah to have an excuse to not socialize to not work because i'm legendary for every three

years going fuck this i'm done with comedy yeah you're never doing it again six months and i know that i'm lying right but like mentally this time i had an excuse to not work i had an excuse why you couldn't come over where generally i'm polite and you want to come down and visit. But yeah, COVID. And then, well, you really believe that shit? Well, the people around me do. And then I can put the blame on, you know, Chaley and Tracy. Everyone else is worried. I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do.

And then I get this shot, my first one. Did the first one bother you at all? Did it fuck with you? I'm so afraid of needles that I started drinking at 9 a.m. for a 5 p.m. shot. So the next day, when I was sweating through fucking comforters, I don't know, is that hangover or flu residual?

But the hypocrisy is that I've always shit on Chaley and Tracy for getting flu shots. You should get a flu shot. No, I don't. I don't. I don't like needles. Well, I might be killing as many old people, not getting a regular flu shot, but I don't give a fuck about old people and they're not in my life.

Which I think subliminally, a lot of people, if coronavirus was killing that many babies and children, I think the same anti-maskers would be attacking you with a crowbar for not wearing a mask in public. You're fucking risking my kid's life. Probably. People get fucking ape-like over their children. They'd be very different. Yeah. I think that's a fucking natural selection kind of thing is I don't give a fuck about old people. They're taking food from the fucking family and the herd.

Let them die off. I've been studying evolutionary psychology. I downloaded a book on Audible about it, 16 and a half hours, and listened to it on the way out, so I should have a degree, even though I didn't understand most of what they were talking about. What's the book?

The Moral Animal. Oh, who was that? Who wrote that? It's like when you started comedy, and you go, that guy was really funny. What was his name? I have no idea. I just went to comedy night, and you go, that guy was really funny. What was his name? I have no idea.

I just went to comedy night and there was a guy that was really funny. What got you into this Moral Animal book? Well, that's why I love long drives. Yeah. Like that's why I left three days early because there's nothing that makes me more creative. Like your sensory deprivation tanks.

A fucking road trip from Arizona across New Mexico and West Texas. Yeah. Nothing but fucking two lanes to focus on. Nobody out there. And yeah, your mind spirals. That was why I had to practice talking. Sometimes it's great. I did one podcast, my own podcast, which I should promote.

I never promote my own. I'm putting more effort into it. We're doing Patreon. Are you doing Patreon now? Yeah. Did you just get tired of doing ads? Well, we've got to make money. Right.

I started that podcast as a default open mic. started that podcast as a default open mic back i started my podcast back when we really thought everyone has a podcast and since covid i have two people that i i keep in touch with that are ones in a mental institution for murdering his mother whoa actually in a halfway house now uh they're gonna let him out, he's got a job. Killed his mom? Yes. I assume stabbed her to death. I never really got into the details.

But he's come to my shows. He gets day passes and nice kid. And then Bobby Caldwell, notes from the pen. Hold up. Let's not gloss over this. Nice kid stabbed his mom? What happened? Yeah, he's have mental illness.

And they're going to let him out? did they fix it he's out he only went back in because of covid and now how long is he in for not very long i think it's 2014 how's his mom's family feel about this uh 2014 really yeah that quick that's fucking crazy yeah you you go in jail for eight years? He went to... He thought... Well, he thought his mother was the devil and was going to hurt the rest of the family. This isn't like... This isn't cool mental illness. Like, I'm kind of bipolar,

so excuse my behavior. This is like serious mental illness voices in your head that's like uh jason vorhees shit like why do they uh let him out well they put him in he got found not guilty by reason of insanity wow went to a mental institution showed great progress uh and now he's out well he's halfway house he's got a he's out. Well, he's halfway out. He's got a job and a bank account, and he was employee of the month at his job.

Who hires him? Knife company? Knife company. He doesn't have sponsorship, but the point is he's starting a podcast. Bobby at notesfromthepen.com fucking accidentally killed his wife in during a suicide attempt and now wait wait wait what he's another he's the other guy he's christ but he's that guy's brilliant he's really strong he was drug addicted and tried to kill himself and fucking the bullet

went behind him as his wife was trying to stop him killed her and uh yeah he's doing 15 years so he's like he's like four years away from release in michigan uh hopefully fucking michigan uh starts they don't have a good behavior kind of thing where Bobby would be out by now. That guy's actually a legit writer. He does, on his website, he's a comedy fan, and he has all these different comics. Pull up notesfromthepen.com and how comics would fare in prison because he rates all the comediansians how they would and of course you you do very well uh he'll pull it up this book that you have the point is they both have podcasts

bobby's podcast is really popular now let me see andrew santino seven out of ten redhead quick wit relatively young confident he'd find his crew i feel like redheads fight more than usual, so he'd probably get into a few altercations, but generally would be all right with a few, some new stories and a few scars. Go up a little bit. Go to Rogan. Amy Schumer.

Question mark. Adam Sandler, 9 out of 10. If I had only seen his comedies i would have scored him lower but there's a depth even darkness under the surface did you see have you seen uncut gems it's fucking fantastic great it's fucking fantastic yeah it's like if you think you know who adam sandler is watch uncut gems i mean that guy's an incredible actor like if you you see water boy and then you see this you'll go wait wait a fucking minute this is the same guy like how come you haven't been doing this the whole time like he's so good you wonder like it's crazy that he does these like

silly movies which i guess he loves and i look i love zohan's one of my favorite movies there's a there's one that i watched on a the hangover sundays where you go i just need something dumb right but not too dumb uh and i forget what it was it was one of the dumb ones i swear he's a someone's dad and comes back into his life i think that is probably seven of his movies oh yeah yeah yeah he's got a gang of those kind of movies but it was like this is like so perfectly dumb for what i need in my head right now yeah they're fun movies like he's got we me and the family when we went into the covid lockdown we watched uh every adam sandler movie we had like movie night basically every night because we were just trapped at home you You know, in the beginning, everyone was trapped.

That's all we did. We stayed at home. We watched movies. We went to the grocery store. And then slowly but surely, people started getting annoyed with it. Well, that's the difference is and it was triggering to hear when you said, me and the family. Because that's the part

of Joe Rogan no one ever considers is you do actually have a family i do not so for me at home it was just the usual suspects that would come over and would you know in the summer we'd have movie nights out on the patio yeah you watch the jerk why would you watch the jerk again because we're locked down a movie yeah and having cocktails on the patio the jerk is kind of historic too it's like it's not just uh down. It's a good fucking movie. Yeah, and having cocktails on the patio. The Jerk is kind of historic too. It's like it's not just a good movie.

It's like you're watching a chunk of history. Like this is when Steve Martin came out with that movie back in the day. That movie was the shit. It was the shit.

And it still is. It is. I don't know if younger people appreciate a lot of this stuff that we do. The Jerk? But I think The Jerk held up in front of an audience if younger people appreciate a lot of this stuff that we do. The jerk? But I think the jerk held up in front of an audience of younger people. It's fucking great.

Some of them, you go, even myself, like Kentucky Fried Movie, you go, oh, that was the shit in 1979. And then you watch it, you go, this is the dumbest fucking movie. I didn't see that. I think I saw it back in the day, but I haven't seen that recently. Movie 42 is the one that we found what's that i think it's called movie 42 hey i wanted to see rogan how rogan fared in prison on notes from the pen uh movie 42 is like a it's a sketch comedy but like huge names are in it like h Hugh Jackman has got balls on his chin. It's just really dumb. It's balls on his chin?

It's basically sketch comedy but filmed like a movie. Okay. Anyway, it's one of the things that we found just watching dumb shit. Movie 43. Sorry. The biggest cast ever assembled.

That's why I have to have you fact check me, Jamie. Uh-huh. Kristen Bell. Joey Diaz, 9 out of 10. This is pointless. Joey Coco Diaz has already done time. Oh, you're fucking 10 out of 10.

Oh, I got 10 out of 10. Visually and physically, multiple black belts. Son of an Irish cop from Boston. New Jersey, actually. First choice for a victim. Respectful, intuitive and disciplined, cakewalk perfect score

there we go you don't even have to read it I love where it says Joe List see Chris Hardwick with glasses but I talk to Bobby a couple, few times a week and he's a fucking great guy my point was he has merch he doesn't just have a podcast he's selling merch from so when i started my podcast i

thought uh this is just a throwaway because everyone has a podcast now i have two friends in prisons or mental institutions that have podcasts and are probably pushing more merch than me so so the guy who killed his mom, he has a podcast as well? I don't think he has a lot of listeners. Well, he does now. He just put out to... What's it called? The Ward.

Oh, wow. But he does open mics in the mental institution. What? Yeah. Mental institution has open mics? He started it. Isn't comedy bad for your mental health? If his comedy is bad for everyone else's mental health,

I'll be... And I'm very honest with him. Like, he sends me clips of him, and I go, I didn't even know when I would give you a polite laugh because I didn't know where the joke was. That's not good. But he's fucking...

He's getting out. But he's a great... He's aware of his psychosis. He thought Lorne Michaels was secretly telling him he was going to be on Saturday Night Live. So what he does, he murders his mother. Stay with me. to be on Saturday Night Live.

So what he does, he murders his mother. Stay with me. Then he drives from the southeast up to New York City. He gets on the set of Saturday Night Live, texts pictures to his sisters saying, see, I'm on the set. Then finally security sees the error in their ways. They escort him off. fan of legion of skanks so he goes down he hangs out at the cave and creek the podcast like big j right they know who this guy is they know his deal actually i just did legion of skanks and i'd fucking

i dialed twyman i could call twyman right now oh boy but i won't yeah won't. Yeah, let's not. Jesus Christ, that's hilarious. And then they finally caught him, and he went to Rikers Island, and then he got found not guilty. Anyway, he's a big comedy fan. Oh, there you go. Said to say hi. Tell him I said hi back. It's a real bummer when you like someone,

and then you hear their comedy, and you're like, I can't. Yeah. I can't be friends with you. Well, this is, yeah. This is a... Yeah. Well, he's I can't. Yeah. I can't be friends with you. Well, this is, yeah, this is... Yeah, well, he's a different case. Yeah, it's... But you know, like, when you're, like... At the store, there was always

an interesting hodgepodge of beginners and veterans, people that had been, you know, doing the road forever, and then there'd be people that, you know, you hung out with, you're like, oh, he seems like a funny guy, and then you see his set, and you're like, oh, shit, you know you hung out with you're like oh he seems like a funny guy and then you see his set and you're like oh shit i can't hang out with you i just can't because you're not gonna make it it's like you've never dated a comedian no i did when i was 21 where i was 21 i i was in a relationship for a like a year and a half it It can get rough. And they're working out bits, and you can't,

like I can tell Twyman, I don't get why you would even think that's a joke. Right. And he can handle it. Because who's he going to kill? Me? If he kills another person, he's really going away this time. For real.

None of these meds are going to work. The dating comedian thing, it works sometimes. Like Tom Segura and Christina Pazitsky. It works great. You know? Bonnie McFarlane. Rich Voss. It's funnier than Voss.

So it's a power dynamic. Yeah. Well, they're both funny. They're both very funny. And as is Christina and Segura. They're both very funny. And as is Christina and Segura. They're both very funny. The problem is when one is not. Yeah.

And then it's usually like an ugly male comic who's funny and a hotter female comic who's not funny who needs someone to punch up. Yeah. Writes their jokes for them. It's always the case. They're always like half-assed writers. And they get hooked up with some really you know really funny comic who troll is fucking way above the old guy like me or bill maher and he's fucking way above his head and so he helps punch up her act i've had a lot of friends

that have had those kind of weirdo we're like natasha legere moshe casher that's another good relationship between two funny people. But there's been a lot of those relationships where one of them is not good. How many times have you fallen into the trap of the comedian that you see them do five minutes in the belly room or whatever? You go, that guy's got some fuck he's really funny but and then you realize oh he stumbled into two accidentally funny jokes that he doesn't even understand are funny but you're already promoting him i i i knew a girl who was like that for whatever reason she never it never clicked i don't want to say her name but it never clicked but i saw her at an open mic night one time like 15 16 years ago and i was like holy shit she's a fucking monster i was like she is gonna be huge she's gonna be goddamn huge

and she never put it together but she had one open mic night set in the belly room and i watched it and i was like jesus christ that that is a funny person this is this is a trap as well. When you say, I'm not going to say their name. So right now there's 130 women thinking, he's talking about me. Is he talking about me? No, the one I'm talking about, she's doing great with other stuff. So it's not like...

That's the thing with comics. It's like either they make it or they're a tragedy. Either they make it as a comedian or whatever it is that sought them that that made them seek out becoming a comic ruins whatever's left of their life you know if they can't make it in comedy and they see all these other people make it in comedy then they're depressed and angry and bitter and they just want to burn up burn the world down you know they just it's but this woman's not like that. She actually became successful at other stuff. Have you had people turn on you because they thought you were going to help them as much as you helped other comics?

No, no, not really. I help people as much as I can. There's only so much you can help, you know, and there's some people you can't help. You know, like what you're doing is so poor. It's just like such, there's nothing there. Like, I don't know what you need to do to change the way you're interfacing with reality what what about older comics that oh that's bad that's they just stopped trying yeah yeah we're going in a different direction on this

tour imagine if you were still doing your act from like mm-hmm imagine you had some great bits in 2000 i remember your acts in 2000 it's funny as fuck imagine if you just hung on to that and you kept doing it on the road there's there's a lot of guys like that yeah we know them and they're out there that they're just fucking it's like i don't mean if you're in a band it's a different story you know like i think band members don't mind doing old songs. Like, the Stones will go out there and they'll do an old album, and I don't think it's a problem, but a comic.

It's just like, there's something. It's death. There's something about, like, rehashing an old perspective and trotting it out there like you give a fuck. about rehashing an old perspective and trotting it out there like you give a fuck. It's like, oh. I find myself in that position where I still do give a fuck about issues.

Because you and I both talk about shit that's horrible in society, generally. And when that doesn't change and you're still angry about it, but you already did like three different bits from three different angles and I can't eat this pie with a different fork again.

The fuck do I do? Right. And then sometimes you find a better perspective. is fucking, I don't understand. How much are you on social media? Talk about TikTok.

The point is I don't know about a lot of shit but I'm aware of what i don't know so yeah try not to launch an opinion yeah the the old perspectives that are still valid are weird too because it's like nothing's changed it's like some some old perspectives that you had they they are still good like they are still valid i guess i'm not talking about that i'm talking about comics that just like... You know, they become like a carpenter.

Not that there's anything wrong with being a carpenter, but they've got tools. And they're just like, oh, this one needs a fucking T-square, and I'm going to use a hammer on that. And they're not comics anymore. They're just like tradesmen. Yeah, they're playing fucking tetris all right this

point of view fits into this yes that's a good way to put it yeah that's yeah with a very dated reference because that's the last video game that was on a phone that i saw oh they still have tetris and i still use the reference so yeah at some point you're gonna suck unless i don't know what's worse is like being the guy who has dated references because he doesn't know like oh now video games are in 3d or 4d immersive fucking experience or being the old guy that like still watches whatever kids watch and uses those references. 70-year-old guy playing Twitch games online. Yeah. It's like Grand Theft Auto 6.

Is it 7 yet? I don't know. How many Grand Theft Autos are there, Jamie? They're still on 5. 5? Yeah. 10 years. I'm close to it.

10 years? It's been a while. They're still promoting it, though. You mean Grand Theft Auto 5 came out 10 years ago? It came out right around? It's been a while. They're still promoting it, though. You mean Grand Theft Auto V came out ten years ago? It came out right around the time I got a job. So that's even a dated reference.

Eight, nine years, yeah. I'm using a ten-year-old reference as a new reference of something I don't understand. It's so popular, so no, I mean, you're not really that wrong, to be honest with you.

Well, it's... Are they making a new one? They're very quiet about that, so, like, no one knows. they're very quiet about that so like no one knows they're very quiet about a lot of things like if you were a comic that like maybe eight years ago was hired to be a comic that's in the game and you put on the whole fucking cgi suit and you did your act in front of a fake audience that's uh so they can put it in the game but you had to sign all sorts of non-disclosure agreements, like it's the biggest

secret that you're going to be on the game, and then you're never on the game. You still, to this day, could not fucking talk about it. That's my point. Annie Letterman's one of the bigger voices in that game. Is she really? Yeah. I fucking love her! I love her. The Comedy Store documentary.

Yeah, she was great in it. One of the good things about COVID, and I could go on about all the great things about COVID, and I'm sorry if half a million people are collateral damage to the joy that I've gotten out of COVID, is I get to learn about a lot of new comics that I don't watch comedy because I'm always afraid, oh, I'm i'm gonna you know

yeah she's one of my favorites and that was that uh comedy store documentary that made me oh fuck i love this chick yeah turns out she was a she went to the death valley party they they had a like a a resurgence of it a small core group went out to death valley in october and she showed up and i was i pussied out. I don't want to drive fucking 13 hours to fucking Death Valley. You can get to meet her anyway. I'm trying to get her to move

out here. She probably will. She's fucking brilliant, man. She's the real deal. Nate Bargatze is fucking hilarious. I'm trying to think. Nate Craig was one. Sam Morrill. Sam Morrill's very funny very funny yeah

I actually sat down and watched a bunch of people there's a great crew coming up you know there's do you pay attention to Andrew Schultz

you listen to his stuff yeah Schultz there's a few that I I'm terrible and so are you at following up

a lot of times like like hey Joe on Sunday I'm terrible, and so are you, at following up a lot of times. Like, hey, Joe, on Sunday, what time on Wednesday and where do I go? I didn't text you back. No, no. And it affected all my travel plans. I'm sorry. And then I asked the fucking worst person ever, hey. Who'd you ask?

Red Band? No, no, no. Red Band's the one who fucking got, he was the hero. No, Brett Erickson and fucking Kerry Mitchell. I'm like, can you at least tell me, like, do you know, like, what part of Austin so I could book a hotel near it?

And they gave me, they didn't say, I don't know. They gave me the wrong information. They gave me the information of the fucking new place. And he lives like 10 minutes north of there. I'm like, well, does he do the podcast there? I want to be like Uber distance. But if you live in the fucking butt-fucked rich part of town, they might not have Ubers.

Ron White fucked us like that once. Did he? Well, yeah. After the show in Atlanta, he showed up and did a guest spot. But you have to come to my house to party afterwards. It's just right down the road. It's like fucking almost an hour away. We're going to be on the tour bus.

So we'll take all of you on the tour bus and we're coming back through this way. Anyway, tomorrow we'll drop you back off and we party through the night like one of the hardest fucking hangovers i've ever lived through with a show the next night ron white sober now oh well you tell me that but hey so the next morning as we're still like vaguely awake he's like you guys gotta get an uber I thought the tour bus is taking us back change of plans and then it's the gated community on a golf course and a fucking uber

takes two and a half hours so we're drinking again to fucking tamp down the hangover and then it was one of the worst shows I've ever had that night where I said if I gave refunds this would be the show but I don't yeah I heard worst shows i've ever had that night where i said if i gave refunds this would be the show but i don't uh yeah i heard he used to do some like ayahuasca yeah he went um he's more than 60 days

sober now sharp as a tack i did uh the chapelle shows with him last week i did sunday and tuesday with him last week and i did a Vulcan Gas Company in town, too. I did that with him, too. He's fucking sharp as fuck. And just completely sober. He went to the doctor. Big mistake, right? You don't go to the doctor.

Nope. Nope. He went to the doctor. The doctor gave him the old once-over and go, we got to fucking hit the brakes on this train. Like, this runaway train is heading right for a cliff. Did he tell you why he went to the doctor? Nope. I didn't ask. I feel like Ron White tells you everything he wants to tell you oh i do i

because that's my doctor is who did i just talk to uh i can fuck it i'll say jordan zeevon warren's son oh uh who i've known peripherally through like like, MySpace and social media. Like, we've DM'd here and there. He sent me, like, Warren Zevon's, like, original practice amp. Fucking cool guy. And I said, hey, I want you on the podcast. This was just a couple weeks ago. And he's like, I'm probably not that interesting.

I'm not Jordan Springsteen. But here's my number anyway because I don't drink anymore. And I called him up and I go, I'll tell you if you're interesting or not. And he told me the most interesting story. You get diagnosed with cirrhosis and then I'm wrapped like, well, what made you go to the doctor to begin with? What symptoms should I be looking for that you had? It's like Hedberg's old joke. My girlfriend wanted me to get an AIDS test. So I called my friend. I said, hey, Brian, do you know anyone with AIDS?

And he said, no. And I said, well, you know me. Yeah. What should I look for? I have none of those symptoms I think I'm good you're a moderate regular drinker that's what I would say well it's also

1.30 in the afternoon yeah but I mean you drink a lot of light beer no that's that's like 13 years ago I moved to cocktails because i don't know anything i need you as a fucking uh personal trainer of life uh in 2008 i quit smoking for a year and i got really fat and uh so what i did is i switched from miller light to vodka cranberry straight thinking oh cranberry is a juice which is good for you no it's got like eight times the fucking sugar

you ever had like a an actual cranberry they're disgusting oh yeah they're cranberry juice cocktail is just sugar yeah yeah now i i do uh vodka soda with just a splash of juice. That's a good way to go. Yeah, but at first I go, oh, juice is better for me. I'm not considering sugar makes you fat. Yeah, that shit's real fatty. But the cigarettes,

what happens when you get off the cigarettes? That's my problem. It jacks up, cigarettes jack up your metabolism, right? It does something and when you get off of it, it slows you down. Well, it kills your appetite. Oh, is that oh is that what it is yeah but it also doesn't the nicotine like rev you up like yeah burns calories too yeah i i i if i'm on a bender and the you know the hangover

will kick in when i light my first cigarette the next day and then i'll get like booze shakes oh cigarette the next day and then i'll get like booze shakes uh it's after the first cigarette that's interesting well i guess that means it does jack you up yeah like you're holding like i'm holding a drink with two hands like leaving las vegas where you can't sign the fucking bank note i remember that movie um i like smoking cigarettes before shows i did it once with hinge yeah yeah yeah i remember when you barely drank i remember one podcast we did a million years ago where you had like three beers and you were saying you were drunk really yeah it's a long time ago yeah but i mean that was like 2009 when I started podcast. I have no idea of time.

I was for sure drinking, like actual drinking then. Well, you're older. You don't have the memory that I do. Yeah. I'm over the by like, what, two months? No. Tomorrow is my birthday. How old are you tomorrow?

You're February, right? No, I'm August. How old are you tomorrow? Oh, wait. I'm older than you. Yeah, I think so. All right. I thought you were a month older than me. No.

All right. Well, you're a kid. Are you 54 tomorrow? I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm 54 tomorrow. I'll be 54 in August. Isn't that weird? When I was a kid, I thought 54 people, that was a dead person.

You aren't doing shit. You're just laying around waiting to rot out from the inside. I know. And I still feel like that and everyone's aging beautifully and i'm not gonna keep up ron white was fucking luxurious head of hair and uh now that he's 60 days sober sharp as a tack i think he's gonna pull through this swimmingly i don't remember him not being sharp as a tack well he was always great even when he was drunk i mean he was always a great comic for sure even when he was drinking like every day but uh you know like i said i didn't ask for specifics what it is that was getting him but something was getting him something it's something bad enough where he got so scared that not only did he get off the booze

but then he went to costa rica and did uh multiple ayahuasca ceremonies oh and he went to Costa Rica and did multiple ayahuasca ceremonies. Oh. And he wants to talk about it, but I don't want to talk to him about it until he talks about it on the podcast. I go, let's just tell me on the air, because the first time you tell me, it'll be the best. Because I'm always in that mindset of Jordan Ziva and that conversation. We talked for almost an hour and I go,

I just wasted a fucking podcast. I'm monetizing in my head, even without money, I'm monetizing, capitalizing on a personal conversation where I like, fuck, that would have been a great, you can look at it that way, but he could also look at it.

Like you want to share this in its purest and best form with all the people that enjoy your podcast. That's why when i saw you i go just tell me the stuff that we're not going to talk about on the podcast don't fucking waste a breath that stuff will be soon we get the stuff that i told you not to talk about it's just a matter of we have to get up and running yeah we're up yeah i want i i don't want to waste a breath that's worth shit. What is this? TX whiskey?

That came from a fan. Oh, Jesus. It's probably tainted. Now, I just opened it before because I had the booze shakes before you showed up. And I go, I should open this now because I don't want to be quivering. Smells good. I did a podcast yesterday with Marcus Latrell. That is not a sponsor.

TX, I brought that bottle on purpose. For Texas? If I had a whiskey sponsor on my podcast, I would be making bank. We have a whiskey sponsor. We have Buffalo Trace. They're the shit. You ever have that? Yes, I have.

Phenomenal. And if there is anything i could sell on my podcast it's liquor yeah when i was a miller light drinker on stage i think my first five specials of whatever like cds or dvds when they made the transition you can hear me saying can i get another miller light up here and I wasn't pushing the product. It's just what I drank. But on the road, they would sell out of Miller Lite.

If I was doing a week by fucking first show Friday, they're sold out of the brand I'm drinking. I'm like, it tastes exactly like fucking Coors Light or Bud Light. I couldn't tell the difference. A whiskey, I could fucking sell. So yes, I am actively fucking searching out a whiskey

sponsor maybe you should go to the doctor first get checked out make sure everything's okay feel great okay fine do i look bad now you look great like i said ron white's 10 years old than you and he's been going hard forever he's been going hard for 50 years uh is he uh he was a cigar smoker yeah yeah still smoke cigars he still smokes weed He's been going hard forever. He's been going hard for 50 years. He was a cigar smoker? Yeah. Still smokes cigars. He still smokes weed.

But he's off. I've been doing the edibles. Have you? Really? Yeah. I saw that on your Instagram or your Twitter, rather. I was like, look at this. Yeah. Are you paranoid?

No, no, no. Not really. But I've been doing them mostly during a fucking year of COVID. That wouldn't make you paranoid, though? Don't you just think of mortality and life and death and people you used to know? I don't know, 10 milligrams. Well, sometimes. Oh, little baby doses.

Yeah. I mean, I get paranoid anyway. I get fucking paranoid on the road driving through west texas i know how far have you been from austin i've been a car um not recently but i've been i've driven you know down to houston dallas west texas just like yeah west texas you might as well be in a vampire especially when i'm in that headspace. Okay, I just did 450 miles, stopping to piss once with my gator up. The gator's fucking great because it hides my fucking old man neck flesh. Well, there was a lot of guys that were rocking the neck bandana anyway for a long time.

And now they just keep it going. By the way, that neck bandana doesn't do jack shit i know i talked to my doctor about it he was like you might as well not have a fucking mask on with that thing what no i open at the bottom if i'm in a place i put a fucking n95 and then i put this over it are you taking any vitamins or anything to try to protect yourself four b12s before i came here. I get chewable zincs with C. At home, I load up on C. I wake up, I drink a smoothie that has carrot juice. What?

Beets. If it's a red one, I'll do beets and strawberries. Spinach. I don't fucking do kale, broccoli. And I have the green mix, flaxseed and peanut butter for protein uh if it's green i do cucumber and celery for flavor green apple are you feeling better from doing this well no i feel like shit all the time that doesn't help at all i'm sure it does but i don't notice i'm really bad with cause and effect. Like, I get nervous.

When I started this, I'm like, I'm nervous and I love it. But I'm not mentally aware that I'm nervous. I know physically that I'm nervous. When I booked the UK, I'm so terrified of the UK for some reason, even though they're very welcoming to me. even though they're very welcoming to me. I'm terrified of their audiences because generally I think they're smarter and funnier than most American comedians. Just the average guy in the crowd.

I know when I can't brush my tongue because I gag that I'm nervous where I wasn't really aware that I was nervous until... I wasn't really aware that I was nervous until. I think they have very high standards for your work in the UK. They don't tolerate sloppiness so much. They want you to be prepared. But I don't know what they expect.

Because you don't know the culture as well. Right. Yeah. the culture as well right yeah i can't i can't profile like you can in the states where you can look at a person and know by what they're wearing or how they carry themselves over there everyone's just a mutated head like me with like i don't know you you're they're generally generally very accepting towards american comics though like an american comics have gone over there they've done really well like bird did his last special there um you know obviously hicks became huge over there a lot of guys go over there and do really well yeah i don't know why but i i just don't know. They're very polite there too, right?

During the day. A few pints later, then all their aggro that they've swallowed because of their culture. Oh, it's impolite to say this. And that's why they're fucking smashing each other in the head with pint glasses at the end of the night. At last call or whatever they call last call. They got a lot of stabbings over there. It's a thing because you know it's hard to get a gun yeah there's a old bit i used to do like we have all the shootings uh but less of the fistfights because uh wow true that we we have no We have no healthcare.

They can afford to beat the fuck out of each other because they don't have to pay for the stitches. It's an old bitch, so I don't remember how it goes. Tell me about this book. You were telling me about this book. Oh, Sam Talent. Yeah. Yes. Running the Light.

That's for you. Let me see that. Thank you. I think someone else told me about this and I wasn't paying attention. It's the best depiction of road comedy there's never been any movie

in the United States that shows stand-up comedy for what it is what was Adam Sandler back to Adam Sandler the one he did where

like he's the old bitter comic that thinks he has cancer, but he's wrong. Yeah, funny people. I never saw that. That was, but it wasn't applicable to road comedy, where this is someone who's still doing one-nighters in fucking Amarillo, Texas. He's an old guy, RH. And he's 53.

We were talking before the podcast about Bill Maher's book. A lot of people don't know it. It's one of the things that I, before I talk to Bill Maher, I want to tell him. That's like, that's a great book. I want his fucking writers

to stop stealing my fucking bits. Are they stealing your bits? Really? That Patreon was supposed to go out fucking three weeks ago, but Chaley was on vacation. What bit? Well, this time,

it's subtle hints at it. It was about, well, my bit was about the 10K fun run for your own ego, I think, was the track title. His was, we have to, his was,

we have to stop raising awareness for raising awareness. And then there's things that are absolutely specific to my bit from four years ago when it was relevant. He goes into, and football, can you stop with the pink shoes? Like, I'm trying to watch the game here. Like, specific lines in my cadence. Like, I know you fucking, I don't think Bill Maher stole shit. Because I don't think he's that committed to his own show.

I think he walks into his writer's room and says, what's my opinion this week? You, go. You, go. I think his, but he's fucking ripped me off since 2007 as a goof you know pr stunt basically when bristol palin was announced that she was you know pregnant at like 17 when sarah palin was a vice presidential candidate we put up a website saving bristol.com where I was offering her like 25 grand to have an abortion so she doesn't ruin her life and get stuck in that cult.

The next day or within that week, he put up a fucking Levi, the father of the baby, a website saying we're going to raise money to fucking like mirror like like this is fucking specific and this last one was he's talking about nfl what players wearing pink shoes the bit i did like five years ago where the nfl hasn't done pink shoes for years and it's not even football season and you're using the exact same fucking wow it's probably his writers you're probably right fucking abortion is green it's one of my favorite bits i did a long time ago yeah he did that you know that bit i remember that bit very well yeah and i that's the problem with writers i mean we've always had a problem with that at the store like

guys would uh come in writers would sit in the back of the room and then you'd hear certain comics bits on someone's monologue we had that problem with the man show yeah not it's a reverse problem is that we know we're gonna take the bad beat for doing shitty bits. The sketch is like this. Do you remember the time we had to do some fucking awful bit that, uh, where we were talking? I know what you're saying.

Yeah. But we forgot that we were people. We forgot we were mic'd up and we're talking about this fucking bit we're about to fucking we forgot that the head writer was listening to the entire thing I still feel bad about that I don't feel bad about that we were forced into that situation that was a trick

I tell people what happened with that show you and I got pulled aside but that specific incident where if we had talked to Tom to his face and said, this thing sucks, but he had to hear it from me smoking backstage by a fucking dumpster and you talking to me. We're like, who fucking wrote this?

Jesus gun. Good God. I can't believe I. I would never do a show like that ever again. I don't think you can ever do a show where you bring in producers that aren't comics, that don't understand your sensibility, and then you have network executives

that have their opinions and they're not funny and they all want to get their greasy little hands on the recipe and it becomes a disaster. You know Olivia Grace? Yes. Very funny. I met her when she was like 16. Yeah,

she has a fucking tattoo of a quote of my bit on her belly from when she was like 16. Whoa. And I go, I'll pay for you to get that covered up.

Yeah, get that laser off, kid. But we're pitching a show, a series now. On what network? for what well the premise is i don't know if you saw my louis episode whereas the character was named eddie that was going to kill himself uh and it ends with me driving off to my last gig to kill myself but what if Eddie didn't kill himself and here 15 years later it's kind of a Harold and Maude thing and we it's through a British

production company where you go oh okay it's a huge difference but we're we're pitching it homegrown network uh the the point is that i don't need it now when we did the man show i needed that and you didn't because you were doing fear factor like if you weren't doing fear factor you had the the presence to go fuck this i'm not doing this no we're doing it this way and i was the guy that was in the office every day going uh whatever you say i think that's funnier well i only did it because i was gonna do it with you like i i was very specific with them like they they pitched a bunch of other people and i said no yeah i said i'm doing it with stan oprah i'm not gonna do it i'm like i need a real comic i'm like i need a crazy yeah but i did not have You didn't have the ability to say, fuck you.

Yeah. But now I do. So now it's kind of fun to pitch a series. I don't need it. I think it would be funny. I love the premise, and it would be dark like that episode I did. Well, she's great. I'm down for anything that she does.

But I just feel like at this day and age, anytime you bring other people into the mix, it's a mess. It's just, you gotta be autonomous. But I'm saying now I have that presence of mind where I wouldn't do something stupid because a suit went, how about instead of yours, like a suicidal drunk guy,

you're a crazy guy who wears funny hats. Like I would not capitulate. Like if we were in the same situation that we were in way back then with the Man Show, today we would be like, no, we're not doing this sketch. There was a bunch of sketches. They shouldn't have been on the show. They just were not good. And these guys, they had this idea of what it is.

My favorite fucking scene was the Joey Diaz bursting out naked to introduce us. I remember Zoe Friedman. Cried. Cried. She, it aged her like a president. Where she became a frumpy old woman looking at Joey Diaz bursting through that going, do you think this is what man show is about? No, no, no.

That was before he did it before he did it she thought that and then once he did it that became the number one thing on the show that was all the promos that was the thing like they wouldn't when they show the ads he did it once from my yes but when we did it that became a part of the promos when joey burst out naked and started dancing that became a big part of the promo but before before then, I said, I made a compromise. I go, we'll do it your way first, and then we'll do it our way. And then we don't have to show this. People can find it online.

But Joey's the best. I'm so bummed out he's in New Jersey. I'm trying to trick him into coming out here. Once I open my club out here, I'm going to slowly trick them into coming out here. I just have to figure out what's the proper strategy. I'll come out here more because you're on the perfect side of the country. Everything east of the 35 corridor that goes all the way from the fucking bottom of Texas up through Kansas City and Minneapolis. I could drive

everything west of there the long route and listen to fucking audible books and be in bliss and in my most hyper creative place. You still got that white suburban? We call it the van. We still tour in that fucking thing and you don't

want someone to know you just had a fucking creeper come up to the door here like yeah you don't want someone to know what you're driving train killers out there you know i still i do gigs in shitholes where they don't have a green room so i sit in the van and smoke cigarettes till fucking chaley comes out and taps on the window goes come on in through the kitchen get you on stage and we call it mobile green room so we always call it the van on the podcast so people don't look for a white suburban well you shouldn't say that again we'll bleep that out no no don't bleep it out bleep it out j no. Don't bleep it out. Bleep it out, Jamie. No, don't bleep it out.

You can put a rap on it. Camouflage it. People still say, oh, hey, you gave out, my address is public. Yeah. Well, I remember. You had those people coming over to your house for the Super Bowl party. But I was saying, it's an open invitation to the town. And you said, so it's like anyone who shows up can go?

I go, yeah, but i was talking about the town so people but you weren't no no no no no you weren't you were on the podcast actively giving out your address calling the world to come to bisbee arizona to come to your party don't bullshit me okay you were 100 saying you were putting it out there. Okay, well, I might have been led into it because of the power dynamic. Oh, my God. I knew. The power dynamic. So it was never...

People still will randomly show up and they're taking pictures. It's just a fucking house. It's not a compound or anything. It's got a lot of loud colors. So we had a couple problems with people who think that i'm talking to them oh what's the frequency caneth yeah you get any of the chip in the head guys any of those guys i i don't think enough but like still they think that the podcast is secretly talking to you like

twyman who murdered his mother thought that lauren michaels was telling him to come on saturday night live had a couple of those where fucking chad shank is great i don't do facebook but when he sees problems coming like that he fucking gives me a head up so two times once i had to have you had to do a restraining order yet not yet no he had my first i felt like oh i'm someone i'm someone again my first restraining order the second one like i warned the cops ahead of time and the guy i'm watching on security camera as as as the guy's updating his Facebook and Chad Shank is updating. Yup.

He's, he's in town. Yeah. He's hitchhiking. Okay. Jesus Christ. And then I, I alerted the cops who fucking, Bisbee cops have been so fucking cool with me. Are you friends with the cops in your town? Uh, well now a lot of them are judges. Bisbee cops have been so fucking cool with me are you friends with the cops in your town?

well now a lot of them are judges they became judges? well one of them and then but they've all been cool with me a couple friends that are now judges are you there for life? is that your spot now?

yeah fuck let me get to Comedve in a minute comedian grove yeah we when i left on this trip right before i left on sunday my buddy raider found a spot where you go oh we could make comedian grove like bohemian grove for comics and it was the first time that I really thought, oh, I could leave Bisbee and move there.

Comedian Grove, meaning like you have a place that comics can all move to. Yeah. Where we could set up. It's got 17 casitas, 29,000 square little cabins, but 17 casitas, 29,000 square... Little houses?

Cabins, but southwest. That's one of those things that I've read, but I've never looked up. A casita? Yeah, so you say cabin. Yeah. With a main house, it's 4,000 square feet. Like a ballroom, which would be the showroom,

2,000 square feet. 42 miles from a secondary airport where you go oh yeah we could do you remember the cave house outside of bisbee yeah i talked about buying it remember i talked yeah and then we said if we it was a million dollars and i go if we get 10 comics to pitch in, 100 grand, we could have this, like a fucking comedians. Yeah. Like you always had that idea of the League of Extraordinary Comedians.

Yes. Like a skull and bones. This would be a place we could have a performance space, 17 different places where people could come in, like a private club, speech zone i don't know what the fuck they yeah with a showroom a vacation destination and i spent half of this drive turning off my fucking audible book thinking about it fucking fantasize i'm like listen let's pause you right here let's join forces let's join forces doug

stanhope austin texas is calling you that's what i'm doing here that's my plan my my plan is to i mean i've already got tim dylan moved here fucking dylan moved here dylan moved here moved here he's on the road he's doing gigs it's the best place to do gigs because you're in the middle of the country you could fly it's the middle up middle down i mean it's not the middle down but it's it's the middle left middle right the middle up it's like to get to everything but that's this is making a new la and it's uh-uh no it's making no hollywood la this is bohemian grove for comedy this is like a invite only where no where you no it's not i just spent fucking three days fantasizing about this don't try to understand but i'm don't fantasy cock block i'm not fancy cock block i moved here to do this i know one

of the reasons why i moved here my plan was move here get settled live in a place where there's less people and also separate stand-up comedy from the entertainment industry outside of comedy because we're always been like entertainment industry adjacent right movies and tv shows they they corrupt comics in a way you know in the opposite way you would think you know you think of like people getting. It's usually for the worse. But they get corrupted and they get watered down. They become politically correct and woke and a part of the system. We've seen it with talk show hosts and even comics that are good that start working in Hollywood. They start quoting things like fucking Sacha Baron Cohen. He made a Facebook message to Mark Zuckerberg asking him why a post from – there's a legendary portrait artist from Australia.

Is it Lushux? How do you say it? U-S-H-U-X? I've never said his name out loud. He's brilliant. He's a brilliant portrait artist who does parody and sasha baron cohen was saying to mark zuckerberg why do you still have this up it's a parody of bill gates with a needle like a vaccine needle saying when are you are you ready for your upgrade or something along

those lines it's just funny yeah he did one of elon musk after elon musk was on my shows smoking a joint he did that he's done like he's does he does these massive murals of and he's a brilliant artist sasha baron cohen ollie g the fucking man i love him i love work. He's calling for parody to be taken down off of Facebook. They get corrupted. They get in. They get in with this crowd of weird people who want to comply. They all want everybody to be on the same page.

And we're working for social justice and inclusiveness. And it's like, Jesus, man. Your work is parody. This is parody. How did you get caught in this trap where you think that parody should be taken down? This is so crazy. Pull it,

pull it up so we can see what it is. Cause it's, it's anybody that would think that this was real and this isn't kind of funny. Look at this. Time to install your update. Zuckerberg is taking this down. No, no, no, no.

You're not listening. Sasha Baron Cohen says Mark Zuckerberg. How do you sleep at night? Oh, shit. Sasha Baron Cohen. Yes. Oh, I thought you were saying. No, look at this. This is on Facebook's Instagram right now.

Your algorithm is still recommending lies about COVID vaccines. How many people have to die before you act? Stop death for profit he's being serious and this is this is a this guy pull up some of you have any idea why that bolsters my opinion of a fucking place out in the middle of the fucking desert is here's another one he did afterwards he did uh that's i guess his version of ali g but pull up the one of uh elon musk he did a brilliant elon he's really good but the point is he does brilliant stuff it's cool to see but sasha baron you go out to ali g and and bruno and all his different

it's all parody but he got caught up in thinking somehow or another that this parody piece which is making making fun of QAnon people who think they're getting a fucking microchip installed with the vaccine. He's making fun of them. And Sacha Baron Cohen gets caught up in it. They've bifurcated comedians. He's going all out. How he's making fun of Ali G. Look, he's genius, man. His stuff is really good.

What is his... Is that his Instagram? What's his Instagram? Lush sucks, I think, is what it is. Let's make sure we know what it is so we can tell everybody. Oh, he keeps going after him. It's like... There's absolutely no one in the comedic field that I think has more balls than fucking

Sacha Baron Cohen. No one. No one. Nobody. He just got caught up in the thing. just got caught up in the thing he got caught up in the thing where you know he's probably not he's probably so successful now and he's probably hanging out with other successful people and all the hollywood people and he just he's out of the loop he should know who that guy is like everybody should know who that guy is that guy

is really good i mean he does these massive fucking murals, too. He's Australian, correct? I think so. Yeah, he does these massive... He's a really fucking talented artist. So for him to be making fun of this QAnon meme of, like, installing a microchip in a vaccine, and for Sacha Baron Cohen, stop death for profit? Man, no. No.

I get you didn't get it, but no, man. No. I mean, Ali G in The House, have you seen that? It't get it, but no, man, no. I mean, Ali G in The House, have you seen that? It's one of my all-time favorite comedy movies. It's Ali G in a movie. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's fucking genius. Where he starts fucking the guy thinking they're going to die.

It was just one of the best scenes ever. Was that in that movie? I don't know. It's the only movie I remember him in other than the – Dude, I bought a special VHS player just so I could play his old show from the UK. Because there used to be – It's that old? It's VHS? Well, back in the day it was.

See, here was the deal. You could only – like there was different regions. Sorry, there's two parts of my brain working here, and one of them is I have to piss. Oh, go piss. And that's one of the reasons I said, hey, why isn't Tim Dillon here so you can focus on him while I go piss?

And you can piss. Just tell me when you have to pee. Don't worry about it, man. Go pee, go pee. I'll wait, I'll wait. It's all good. Talk to Jamie. I'm going to talk to Jamie.

Yeah, have a discourse behind my back above me that I can listen to. I will, I will, I will. There we go. Nice pants. Look at them. They're PJs. They're PJs.

When I haven't seen Doug in a while, we have to get into a rhythm together. This is what I feel like with him. I love him to death. I love him like a family member. But I don't see him enough. So we have to get in a rhythm when we start talking. But I just hope Sacha Baron Cohen doesn't think I don't like him. I love that guy.

I'm a giant fan. I think he's amazing. I just think he just didn't understand what was happening. I just thought it was silly. One point was was and i'll explain it to i don't have to explain it to doug he's not gonna remember i'll explain it you know the regions thing on vhs recorders do you know the old vhs there was a v there was a region for vhs players in the uk and it was like a different type of vhs tape do you remember that vaguely i don't know how it

worked though i was i know when this came out i remember watching it you know but that was i might be fucking this up now that i'm thinking about it i might be fucking it up and confusing it with dvd players is it a dvd player thing it may be either way it's some sort of a recording thing that you could only uh you can only play stuff from the United States if you bought one from the United States. So if you tried to buy one of the – whether it's VHS or DVD, I can't remember because it's so long ago. If you tried to buy them – No, that's correct. There is a – so the U.S. uses NTSC standards while the U.S. uses PAL, P-A-L standards, and it says they will not play on VHS.

Okay, so it was VHS. Okay. So, what was interesting is, like, you would have to give a non-region VHS tape, or VHS player. And the VHS players that were really cheap, for some reason, would work on everything. Like, the ones that were more expensive would only work on US VHS tapes. So I bought a special VHS player just to watch the Ali G stuff. Because I loved him. His interviews...

By the way, Trump is one of the few guys that he didn't get. Have you ever watched his interview with Trump? He sits down with Trump and he's doing his Ali G thing, where he does this character and he just acts like a moron. And lot of people got like really upset with him they like they didn't think it was funny at all but you could see Trump right away I was like what that was nonsense I'm just getting the fuck out of here but there was some legendary uh interviews where people like genuinely got upset with him uh one of the books I listened to on the way out a A guy lives in Austin, Zha Jing or Zha Zhang wrote a book called Rejection Proof where he was born in Beijing

and he lives in Austin and he was trying to be an entrepreneur, but he found himself afraid of rejection. So for a hundred days, he went out every day and did something where he had to face rejection and he would film it for a video blog back then.

And he wrote a book about how he over over but the things he was doing is like i asked a man for a hundred dollars uh and then i learned something from i asked a man if i could tie his shoes hmm i mean it was inspirational because it's very sweet and heartfelt and he was facing his own fears, but the pranks were so base level. I'd be like, if you had four gin and tonics, this would be a four-page book. Like, fuck it, I'll just ask. And when you look at Sasha Baron Cohen or even the Impractical Jokers, who I love,

it was nonsense things, but it was still inspirational. But the fucking balls on that guy. It's a good move, right? If you're having a real hard time with people rejecting you, just go get rejected a lot. That's what he did. That's really bold. Yeah, and he was facing his own fears, but he also had a lot of insight that went back went back to evolutionary psychology and the hairs on the

back of my neck stood up and i go i just listened to that in a smart fuck book about oh that's why the hairs on your fucking back your neck stand up is because your animal instinct is to look bigger you go oh wow it's like dogs yeah yeah cats cats too. Cats arch their back, too, try to get bigger. Anyway, I'm sorry I had to piss and fucking ruin the entire flow. No, you didn't ruin it at all. It's weird because if you were a reductionist, you could look at someone, get rejected, go, oh, get over it. It's nothing.

They didn't hurt you. They just said no. But it's not real. We know that's not real we know that's what he gets into is exactly uh you know darwinian theory about there's a reason that you don't like that you are afraid of rejection because in your ancestral place yeah rejection would make you not you know be a an available mate or a you know what i'm saying? Yes, I know what you're saying. Yeah.

And it would wreck your confidence. And your confidence, I think it probably has... And then chicks wouldn't fuck you and you wouldn't spread your seed. Right, but don't you think that has something to do, like the confidence thing must have something to do with either fighting off enemies or predators? Yeah. Like someone who could...

I learned the pecking order has a... There's a reason they call it the pecking order is because some naturalist realized, oh, chickens, chicken A will peck at chicken B or chicken C will peck at D. But they don't do that. D doesn't fight A because they know it would disrupt. They would lose and then they wouldn't spread seed. Yeah, I've seen it happen. It's with chickens.

Oh, I thought open it happen. It's with chickens, rather. Oh, I thought open mic night. That too. I had to stop ourselves from getting into, oh, yeah, we know shit about fucking evolutionary psychology just because I read a fucking long book while I was scared of Alpine Texas. You know a touch. You know, I think that that's one of the reasons why people are attracted to risk-takers, too. And I think this has actually been proven. Or it's at least, I shouldn't say proven, being theorized that guys like dudes who do those BMX jumps and shit

and guys who do crazy risk-taking things, there's something about that, that a person who's willing to risk their health and life is attractive to the opposite sex because that's a person is willing to risk their health and life is attractive to the opposite sex because that's a person who has courage even though it's a weirdly bastardized form of courage you know it's not the courage to go fight the enemies of the town that are coming in to try to steal your women and children but it's it's courage nonetheless so like we recognize that courage by itself is like a it's like very powerful The ability to do something that's very dangerous

and you can take a risk. I think that even applies to why people are attracted to people that go on stage. Exactly. And that comes up in Zha Zhang's book, is adding humor and humor where humor fits into. It's a weird thing, right? People like people that can handle shit.

Men and women, man. If you find a woman who can take care of shit and handle a situation, when things go sideways and she can laugh it off... Or not be fucked up by the fact that you are going to live this life and you do your own thing. Yes. That doesn't need you to go to theater with her

to offset the time she went to fucking MMA with you. How about you do your own thing yes doesn't need you to go to theater with her right to offset the time she went to fucking mma with you like how about you do your own thing and that's beautiful yeah the confidence to do your own thing and i think that's one thing where women in particular lose a lot of they lose a lot of uh respect for men when men cave like we all that's the the thing where the guy like used to be into like certain sports or something like that she's like why do you watch that that's for morons and then you start not watching it and you start why do you hang out with those guys they're idiots you think they're funny they're fucking idiots stop hanging out with them like and you see those and those women don't want to fuck those guys anymore. It's so crazy that that's what happens.

When they beat a man down like that, separate him from his friends, don't let him play sports, don't let him get into things that she thinks are stupid. Like, I dated a girl. I've talked about this on the podcast before. She was older than me. It was like one of the few girls I'd ever dated when I was young. She was very hot, too, and fun. And she would tell me what to do.

And I would listen. I was 21, and she was 25. And I got in a car accident. Some fucking guy ran a light and slammed into my car. And when my car was... We had to clean the car out because the car couldn't be driven. She took my Whitesnake cassette and threw it away. She made me throw it away.

I had a Whitesnake cassette. Well, that's because here i go again on my own was on it and she goes he's not gonna have that anthem and she was saying that it's stupid she's like why do you listen to this this is so dumb and i was like okay like i fucking just gave into it and then one day years later a fan who had heard the story sent me a cassette to the old sit on the old studio right by uh jamie's little amplifier it's a white snake cassette but that but that was one of those things just like i knew where this was going i was like okay this girl's gonna keep telling me

what to do and uh bingo bingo and i our worlds don't collide often the hair you have a you have the same color hair yeah no no no she's no i had to because chaley tracy and bingo all have dyed hair that's you know our fucking team and so when i so when i did this early covid just as a goof i go oh now i can die like i did the mohawk first i like it dude and uh yeah i think i might keep it i think you should keep it if it felt perfect when i saw you i was like that there's no better feeling than shaving your head to me it's so nice it's so nice because i was trying to keep up with my hair loss when i got to a point where i was like this is never i'm losing this fight i need to tap out yeah our good friend from alaska billy bad he did the same thing. He almost died from his transplant. Oh my god.

He's got the same Charlie Brown infection. Imagine that. What's the sports guy? Joe Buck. Joe Buck almost died from a hair transplant? Yeah. Really? Yeah, I'm sure he was on Stern talking about it.

But he still got the Charlie Brown scar in the back and he just fucking wears it well. But he's a badass like you. This is my public service announcement. Just accept your hair loss. If you look at me from the back of the head, I want you to make fun of me. Feel bad. Big stupid smile.

My forehawk just goes back to my bald spot. Yeah, perfect. It's a thing. If you have a good shaped head, it's a lot lot easier i have a friend who has a flat head i have a friend who's the back of his head is totally flat well mine's the opposite i wish i could trade it's got extra brain back there so yeah it's alien aliens fucking big long ones like they do that with planks they squeeze people's heads. But I think it might take men longer to realize it doesn't fucking matter what you'll look like if you have a personality. Well, it definitely matters what you look like. But it doesn't matter enough for you to be spending all your time thinking about it.

And there's other things to think about. Like your personality is the most important thing. Like, it's everything. If you don't have that, yeah, you don't have anything. We could list all the people that should never have gotten laid in their life, but they're fucking cool or they can play music or whatever. Yeah, they got some talent.

The looks are the last thing. I knew a guy who was in a band and he was not a good-looking guy. And he had terrible genetics. Just one of those guys. And he had this smoking hot girlfriend, and she just ran the show. She just ran the show. He's this feeble fellow and just wasn't good with confrontation. He wasn't gigantically successful, but he was successful enough that it was starting to get to him.

There was a little pressure. And then he was always checking in on his super hot girlfriend. Are you okay? Do you need anything? She was like his handler. No, I haven't been that guy. Except that one relationship with that 25-year-old woman. I didn't mean to interrupt. No, it's okay okay it's okay but um it was weird to watch it was like uh

like a predator wasp had taken over a bumblebee and just controlling the bumblebee like the bees like which i go where should i do but that bumblebee had talent that bumblebee could sing his ass off so he'd be out and then get off stage stage immediately, grab her and mouth kiss her in front of everybody. That was his thing. He wanted everybody to know. Yeah. It's the dynamics, like power dynamics like that are very weird. I have some questions I wrote on the road.

That's why I was so fucking jacked coming in here after three days of driving. Is all of those thoughts about, okay, I want to talk to him about this. And then, oh, I'm going there. I can't remember three days of thoughts. I'm going to belch them all out like a breech birth fucking abortion all in the first 30 minutes

and have nothing to say. Douglas, we'll always have something to say. It went to nowhere because I don't know enough references of new comics or new hot comp i was gonna do the power dynamic game i'll save this for chrysler because he loves games does he yeah like we always would like okay we're gonna do top three comics that you could tour with if you wanted to tour and like okay I picked Chappelle

and I go Bamford like fuck I should have picked Bamford back and forth but it was the power dynamic game where if there were two like equal parties and they had a relationship let's just the easy Kreischer Segura

let's say they were in a gay relationship and one of them wanted to say the other one took advantage of me because of their power dynamic but you have to make it difficult like okay who does have you just said moshi and uh yeah i don't know either of them you know well enough like who would have the power dynamic that they could claim he took advantage of me i don't think they do have she i don't think either one of them have it i think that's one of the reasons why they work so well i think um they're both really that's why it's a game yeah we started this with who would you rather day drink with bukowski or hunter s thompson hunter all day see day drink is a different thing, Joe

Day drink means you're just sullying at a fucking The lights coming through the tavern door Hunter would be way too fucking ecstatic to go shoot things He's a night drunk I think Bukowski But the power dynamic game I gave up on Because I don't know enough of the fucking I would take either I would be super excited to drink with Bukowski but the power dynamic game I gave up on because I don't know enough of the fucking I would take either I'd be I'll be super excited to drink with Bukowski but don't get me wrong

but um when it comes to like a fan of the work we stopped playing that game by the way when no one could top Bill Murray oh yeah he's the best right you'd want to hang out with him yes number one bucket list Bill Murray would be number one. Yeah. But that's over people. Yeah, I guess so. I'm going to my notes. Two other things. Bukowski would be great to hang with, no doubt.

Don't get me wrong. One of the things that I love about Bukowski more than anything is that he was in the post office until he was in his 40s. I used to use him as a negative inspiration in my 30s where i'd like be lazy and i go yeah fuck it bukowski didn't write shit till he was like 43 years old so i would use that as negative inspiration for why i can not work because now i'm 53 well there's like you get a different you get a different product, right? It's like you could cook a steak and you could sear it for five minutes on each side. Or you could cook a brisket and it takes 18 hours. They're very different things.

You could do it both ways. You could start off and be gung-ho out of the gate when you're 21 years old. Or you could be a fucking Bukowski. But you don't get a Bukowski if you're gung-ho out of the gate when you're 21 years old or you could be a fucking bukowski but you don't get a bukowski if you're gung-ho out of the gate when you're 21 years old you get a bukowski after the work after like struggling at a job but i would just focus on his age going okay i don't have to do anything until then all right here's the uh this uh uh you have to understand. You have to drive from Tucson where you get to Van Horn and go, should I take the scenic route through Marfa and Alpine? Or should I go right to Fort Stockton and check into a fucking horrible hotel that I'm terrified to go in with a pink mohawk in West Texas?

And do I wear a mask? Are they going to mock me for wearing a mask? Yeah, you should cover that mohawk up with a pink mohawk in West Texas. And do I wear a mask? Are they going to mock me for wearing a mask? Yeah, you should cover that mohawk up with a hat. Motel Kitzmiller in fucking Fredericksburg. I have to give a shout out to them because that was a place, I don't know if this is a sketchy motel or if it's retro.

And I go, you know, fucking, Texas is a scary place if you don't know where you are. And I this guy before I could hand him my ID, he said, just want you to know I'm a big fan. And I'm like, oh, thank God, because I didn't know if I was going to get fucking murdered. That's hilarious. So Texas has got a lot of open space. That's the weird part about it like you feel like you don't you could drive for days it just it feels like that there's some spots where you're like wow there's like nothing out here there's a long road where there's

not a lot out there and you get this weird feeling of like man if i just vanished how long would it take before they found me yeah this is uh well if well, if you don't know, you have seen No Country for Old Men. Yes. That's West Texas. Yes, yes. So I was thinking. Perfect reference. Joe Rogan, do you think at your best moment a better host or a better guest?

Are you giving me the booger sign? No, no, I'm scratching my nose. Oh, good. I don't know. Okay, well, the question evolved as the miles went by to, if you were on the Howard Stern show, one shot only, would you be a better Howard? Of the five places on the Howard Stern show,

where would your personality best fit in? As the host, the guest, the Artie chair, the Fred chair, we all know that's Greg Chaley's chair. I thought I would be the best Robin Quivers. Would you be the best guest for one episode or the best host? Because you kind of do both here. His show is so different, though. His show is so different than any other show.

He's way away from everybody, and he's up in that podium. It's like an interview. He's doing an interview. I'm saying there's two open spots on the Howard Stern show that we have to fill in for. Take the arty chair. I did that a few times. So did I. Yeah. I'd probably be the arty. Take the arty chair. I did that a few times, you know. So did I. Yeah. I did it back after Jackie

left. That was, to me, that was like when Jackie left the Howard Stern show. I was like, what? How can they break up? Yeah, I sat in auditioning for the arty chair, knowing that even if I got it, it would be a coin flip, or it would be a hard

decision. If they offered me the job, would I live in New York City to take that job? Yeah, I've never been really interested in living in New York. And even back then, I would go, fuck, no. No. I think New York is good for two things. It's good for doing short comedy sets, and it's good for playing pool.

There's a lot of pool halls in New York City. You get to hop around, go to good places, and find good players I forget you're a shark I'm not a shark I'm terrible I'm terrible now man I played last night

It was embarrassing I just don't have a table here So I'm all out of I could never play on a Legit big table Bar tables Quarter tables Those are fun

On acid I had my best pool games Ever Makes sense You're more in tune You see the angles With what's going on Yeah Star tables, quarter tables. Those are fun. On acid, I had my best pool games ever. Makes sense. You're more in tune with what's going on. You see the angles. Yeah. All right, that was the dumb question.

They used to, the guys who used to gamble a lot, used to take, I guess, I think they called them black beauties. I believe, look up what. It is speed. Yeah. Okay. Some kind of amphetamines. And they would gamble for like 16, 17 hours in a row.

And they would all do it. Like the best pool players from the day in the 70s were all speed freaks. And there was one of them, the guy's name Buddy Hall. Buddy Hall wrote a book. It's a crazy book because it's so obviously, it's him and his friend Woody. They wrote, like Woody wrote it down. And I have a copy of it. It's a rare book.

Like you have to buy a used copy of it and this uh book is basically about his gambling days when he's this young kid in kentucky they called him the rifle man and he would just get fired up on speed and play people like ten thousand dollars and and fucking just never miss he was like this legendary guy like buddy hall is like one of the best pool players of all time but like in his day it wasn't just that he was a great pool player he's a gambler and like a stone cold killer like you would bring in guys from the philippines and they would have fucking backers and piles of cash it's like every which way but loose but it was legit and they would they would go to play the right man yeah they would bring him for big money games and he just would hold up he would win he would beat

everybody and he was doing it a lot of these games these guys were all speeded up and apparently i've never done amphetamines like that but if they say that when you're you're playing pool and you're on speed not only can you stay awake but you see things like super sharp and clear you see the angles yeah it's like it's all mapped out for you yeah acid this was a come down of acid which is different than peaking where the the the felt wasn't breathing yeah this is when you're coming down you gotta see what this dude looks like pull up a photo of buddy hall from the 1970s that's what you want to see. You want to see bell-bottom Buddy Hall when he was real thin

because he got real big as he got older, when he got off the speed. They all did it. That was the thing that players all did, and he talked about it in his book, and they've talked about it in other books, too, that talk about pool. These guys that would gamble for hours and hours at a time, they would all do it on speed. That's him. That was him back in the day.

Go to that picture above it, though. That was a little later in his life. That one right there. That's him when he's young, and that's Earl Strickland, who's another one of the greatest players of all time. And that's probably from the early 80s, if I had to guess. And that guy to the left, that one with no beard right there, the lower corner, the lower corner, that's Buddy Hall.

That's Buddy Hall when he was in his prime. That's Buddy Hall when he was in his prime and they would bring him around to places. And, you know, guys would seek him out to play him. But he did this for decades and decades. Billiards is kind of like bowling, where if you get too good at it, it sucks. Like, this guy's gonna run the table

or maybe miss one shot. Sort of. This guy's either gonna get a strike or a spare. Yeah, but bowling, you're seeing the same thing every time. You're seeing variations once you want to knock one pin or another, but it's basically like a break shot over and over and over again. The complexity of pool is so much more interesting to me because there's so many options every game is

different and it's all about getting angles to yeah but it's like if you know the game if you know the game and you're watching a guy like buddy hall play it's art form it's an art like he's he's known for being like this slow smooth player like he never does anything like erratic everything is perfect cue ball control it's just such so much precision that if you're a person who plays and you know how hard it is to do what he's doing it's an art for him uh tracy chaley's tracy uh she is a hockey fanatic so when football would end and hockey would start it's just the same dudes that there's no football anymore right and she'd put on hockey but i don't get it it's just really fast you think it's all luck and she would have to explain the rules like it's a bunch of

dudes that are sad without football and here's this chick that's like, no, well, this is what icing means. And this is what offsides is. And this is high stick. And then I still never appreciated it till she made me watch the all-star game where they do this skills competition. And then it's like fucking Harlem Globetrotters. Guys are bouncing, dribbling a puck on top of their stick, and then fucking whipping it under their legs and fucking hitting coffee cups out of fucking cutouts. And like, oh, it's not all luck.

There is skill involved in this. Oh, there's super skill. Hockey's fun to watch. But if you don't know the skill, a lot of that's wasted. If you don't know the game, a lot of that's wasted. You know what they did with hockey that's really smart? They put that circle over the puck. So when you're watching it on TV.

That's like 15, fucking 20 years ago. Yeah, but that's as many times as I watch hockey. I know. I just love it when you're as fucking dated as I am. Even though you're a kid. Did I tell you that I watched, that I rather used to help train Bobby Orr? I used to work at the Boston Athletic Club when I was 19. I was teaching people to lift weights and stuff like that.

I was a trainer. And I used to help Bobby Orr get onto the VersaClimber. Because he had so many knee surgeries. It was the craziest shit you've ever seen. Like his knees, both sides of his knees were just covered in scars. Yeah, people have no idea what fucking athletes go through. Why are they getting paid more than our teachers? Because they fucking die early.

Yeah, and his surgeries that he went through, I mean, we're talking a long-ass time ago when they opened you up like a fish and stitched shit together and it all blew apart. And you had to bite on a ruler. Fuck, dude. Sod your leg off oh wait that's a civil war his leg no it was a little different than that his legs didn't they don't

extend they don't fully lock out they're always like partially bent and there was a range of motion of just like a few degrees he couldn't like really get up onto the machine so you had to kind of help him like you had to put like one leg up and then the other leg up the nice couldn't be the nicer guy super nice guy and you could you almost couldn't believe it was really bobby or i remember i swore around him once i someone said something and i was like get the fuck out of here with that nonsense and then bobby or was like oh look at the language these kids today are using and i remember being so embarrassed like oh my god i swore around bobby orr what a piece of shit i am uh that was back when i was convinced i was a piece of shit too can i go can i go back to my uh next question

you really want to go through those okay no no no the next question was and i put this on twitter as a poll but i really thought it was an interesting question for you. Would you rather be the first person to take an untested vaccine or the first person to ride in the backseat on the freeway of a driverless car? I'll take the driverless car all day. You'd be the first person to do that? Oh, fuck. Well, an untested vaccine? I don't want to be there to test it.

Untested, but it's an untested driverless car. I understand that. Would you be... I would imagine the driverless car, there's more... You're on the freeway. More examination of the possibilities. They kind of have the camera situation set up. Have you ever driven in a driverless car?

Have you ever driven in a Tesla when it doesn't? That's what made me think of this, is you have a Tesla, and I thought maybe one perk is maybe you give me a ride around the block. You're hanging out with Berth Kreischer too much, and you're trying to turn this into a fucking game show. And I don't like it.

I don't like it. Well, then we could just skip it. I don't know. Maybe I would do the car thing. I wrote it down, so I thought I'd say it. I'd do the car thing, or if I was talking to the scientist that made the vaccine, if they had some reasonable

explanation. It would have to be like, you know, this is why we know this vaccine's safe. We don't have to worry about it at all. You can pull your notes out. I'm just kidding. I can't even read them. I don't have my readers on. Use my readers. I have mine right here. I brought the

orange-tinted ones. Those are fresh. Well, they also hide the bags under your eyes a little bit, the same way I love the mask, because I have crow's feet. When I wear the mask in a supermarket, crow's feet let people know that I'm smiling without having to see my ugly yellow teeth. Oh. And I use these, and I brought them for getting, oh, it's been a year. This isn't Zoom.

I don't need reading glasses. What we need is like a thing on your mask where you can hit a button and it makes like a Cheshire cat grin. Like it pops up in LEDs. I did buy a bunch of this stupid like novelty masks where I have a beard and a stupid missing tooth or whatever. I didn't even go to a fucking supermarket supermarket no i'm just seeing if any of them are any good but you're doing this thing yeah the stretch yeah that's a fucking uh that's a pod oh uh in bisbee yeah michael bean

lives there now who's michael bean exactly? Exactly. You know who he is. He was... I can never remember. He was the original, the guy in the first Terminator. Oh! That comes back. He's in the Abyss. He's in Aliens 2.

I think he was in the second Terminator, right? No, he was the first Terminator, second Aliens. Oh, okay. And the Abyss, where he swears, I wasn't a bad guy in that. Yeah, you kind of were. Everyone sees you like that. Yeah. So we're going to start a podcast.

You and I do. I'll tell you the premise afterwards. Let's go back to, we were talking about this before you left to pee, whether you would hang out with Bukowski or Hunter S. Thompson. Yeah. Both would be great. It would be a different thing. But day drinking, as a veteran drunk, there is a difference between day drinking, where today I'm day drinking. Right.

I don't want to go fucking do shit with you. I don't want to go MMA and up. Yeah, you just want a lounge. Yeah, I don't want to go out with Hunter and fucking blow shit up. That's a nighttime thing. I don't think he always did that, though. If you look at his whatever routine that they documented that was famous for being a ridiculous list that you could read online of all the different shit that he did during the day. And then who turned that into a song?

Fitzsimmons and I were reading the list. Put music behind it. Yeah. As he looks that up, I'll say. Mostly. Because I'll go back to the Howard Stern thing. Would you fire Jamie to get Fred Norris? No.

I'm being silly. And it's going to get worse as I drink And turn into Hunter S He was Mostly what he was doing Was coke And drinking All day long Like he just hung out

Did coke and drank And then Wait till like Six o'clock in the afternoon And then he would start writing You've never done coke No Like the last thing you want

With a day drinker Is someone who talks a lot You fucking slouch with your seahorse posture and you look at the other guy and you go this thing on tv these people like that would be buchowski okay i could tolerate that but if i waited till nine o'clock to drink oh okay hunter s is gonna light this up i wonder what he really was doing during the days i mean how much of it is just folklore and mythology? Because it's fun.

It's a fun mythology. I remember reading Stedman's biography of life with Hunter S. What did he say? He kind of confirmed a lot of the shit. That he really did live like that? Yeah, and it was not necessarily a positive. You brought this up earlier about comedians. Yeah.

I don't have that constitution. Like, I'm a one drunk. Like, everything I do in my career, if it's a show, that's why I only do one show a night. Because I drink the perfect amount to have a confident show. That's why I only do one show a night. Cause I drink the perfect amount to have a confident show. You do a million things a day. Imagine if you had to blow a load for all of your projects. Okay. I'm going to do two podcasts.

Then I'm going to go do fucking 30 minutes at the comedy store. And then I'm going to fly to, but imagine if you had to fucking actually ejaculate at everything you do during a day. I'm good for one load a day. So I'm a one drunk a day person. I'm not leaving here to go do sets at a place. I forget my point. As you stare at me awkwardly.

Just waiting for you to finish. I was waiting for you to say, yeah, I couldn't do that. But the look you gave me was like, I could blow four loads a day. The last four would be sad. Exactly. The last three. It's also like, there's an art form to doing less. There's definitely something to be said for having less things.

I would like to live multiple lives simultaneously. So I could just pursue my individual interests in each one of those lives. And just singularly. Not think about business stuff. Just think about one thing that I like to do. And just live like that. It's really attractive to me. people that just get dedicated to whether it is it's painting or just making music whatever it is you got one thing that you're dedicated to I think that's

something very interesting about that to me but I I I don't even have the attention span for a lap dance and I can't remember the last time I was even in a titty bar, but someone would buy you a lap dance, like Don King. I don't know if he's still around here, the titty bar king of Austin. He would be like, yeah, after your Austin show,

we'll bring you to the fucking Yellow Rose, or he flip-flopped between the titty bars. I'll buy you a lap dance. I don't have the attention span. Like, I don't know how to react to the girl. Like I'm too old to go, ooh, you're so hot. I'm looking at the other dancers, and that's in a three-minute song. So your attention span, I don't know how you're so well-adjusted to,

I mean, you do drink. You fucking smoke weed all the time, and you still persevere professionally. You're baffling to me. Yeah, I just do what I do. I don't know. It doesn't seem that hard to me. I know people that do really hard things, so it's not that hard in comparison.

It's also baffling to me. Yeah. You told me I was fucking... Before you even moved here you said i am moving to austin if i fly you out will you do uh my podcast and i said no but i'll drive out and you go you drive that far you're fucking crazy no i don't think i said it like that yeah you did what it made i know because it made me feel powerful like oh, oh, Joe Rogan wouldn't drive fucking two days? I wouldn't drive that.

It's boring. I find it boring. I don't like to be in a car for 16 hours. I got too much. Yeah, it's my special place. But I get it. I get it. I get it that a lot of people enjoy it, man.

They like long road trips and listening to books on tape and chilling and just thinking. A lot of people really enjoy it. Again, west of the 35 corridor you get me fucking i went through fredericksburg on the 290 i went that way because i have a growing vertigo problem behind the wheel and what do they call them like clover leaves or the connectors oh those things freak you out like to a point where my arms will you know when you lift a weight you would know you lift a weight to a point where like if you pick up a coffee cup afterwards you don't know if you're gonna smash it or drop it right i get like that with vertigo where I go, I can't.

Really? Yeah. What does it do to you? Like other than shake, make you shake. What is it? What's going on in your head when you. It's again, I don't understand cause and effect. I don't know what's creating that fear, but I, I'm, my lucid dreaming has become so where I, you know, that feeling where in a dream where you're in a high precipice and you think you're going to fall now in a dream, I can jump off of it.

I know, oh, I'm in a dream. I can fucking I'm jumping. I'm going to float or fly or sink slowly and safely to the ground. I get the same feeling in real life on a high. We were crossing the Mississippi once and I was behind the wheel and I started to have this panic attack and fucking Chaley's editing in the passenger seat. And I'm like, take the wheel, take the wheel. I'm freaking out a bit. So now I need to be a fucking

Regular dosage of Xanax Hold on before you get into that Let me take you back to the lucid dreaming thing When did that start? Over the years Recently Five years? It's getting better all the time

You're better at lucid dreaming than you were before. Was it a... I had to come out this morning. I took a Seroquel, which I try not to take. What's that? It's a very powerful antipsychotic. It's probably bad for your liver. Why are you taking an antipsychotic?

Because I fucking sleep. I can sleep like 14 hours i'll get up to piss go like lucidly out of the dream remembering the dream and go back hang on i have to piss just like i pissed here on the podcast i can get up out of a dream say please hold dream piss lucidly i'm not in a closet like sean rouse so sarah and go back for you yeah and that's why i use it very sparingly jesus christ that sounds amazing it's fucking the best like what else does it do though what's the problem is you cannot share dreams with people i know it's a hack premise, but where I woke up this morning, I went to bed after

fucking Red Band finally called me and told me, oh, yeah, I prompted Joe Rogan to finally respond to you. What time am I going to be? I didn't know what time I'm supposed to be here. He told me the address. I think you were texting the wrong number. No. I'm pretty sure. Oh, fuck.

No, no, myth me. Do you want to, if you want to put a half a million dollar bet i'll use your half million as a down payment on that fucking comedian grove this comedian grove um i'll show you the text what we were just saying something though yeah about lucid dreaming lucid dreams so so i was in such a state when i woke up this morning from dreams where you know the dream where you wake up and go oh fucking thank god everything was going right but i wanted this is what i want to know did the lucid dreams start independently of the spherical stuff oh they start with no since i was a kid oh you've always had lucid dreams i remember when i was probably an early teenager, the first time that I could correlate that stomach drop feeling of when you're about to fall off of something, but you could fly.

Yeah. Do you have flying dreams? Sometimes. Yeah. But those have grown where, okay, now I can fly. Now I know I'm in a dream. I can kind of control it i i know what's going on and i can wake up and piss and go back to bed and get right back into the same dream did you read

books about this is this something that you just figured out as you were doing it as you're having these lucid dreams yeah but the same problem that everyone who has dreams he can't quite remember it but the feeling the stomach drop feeling the oh, I'm floating, things that connect your brain back to, okay, I know I'm in a dream, but I'm not going to wake up. Let's fuck with this. But you got better over the years just by having lucid dreams over and over again and realizing what's the thing that you do that gets you out of the dream. Don't do that and just figure out what to do to stay in that state. Sometimes you wake up or sometimes you're only alerted to the fact that you're dreaming because you hit bap, bap, bap.

Oh, I get a text message. Okay, reality's on the outside. It's fucking me up. Shut off your phone before you go to bed. But the Syracul is more extreme. It makes you sleep longer? I don't know. I don't know the science behind it.

But is the Syracul making you have more lucid dreams or better control of your lucid dreams? It's making me sleep longer and making me more aware that I'm in a dream. I don't know. I just... I know Syracul dreams. I fucking lived an entire altered states where i woke up and i'm like is there still a receipt in my pocket from that

dream that i can prove there's two different worlds it was that fucked up but you can't explain that to people i wanted to call anyone i woke up and i was like it was just a dream there's a a movie about uh recording dreams that was pretty fucking good that i saw the other night i think it's called come true and it's about apparently there is some technology that they're working on right now where they can record certain aspects of your thoughts like if you're thinking about triangle, it'll show an image of a triangle. Oh, yeah, I read something about it. Yeah, they think they're going to get to the point where they're going to be able to get

at least some sort of a reasonable facsimile of the visuals that you're having in your dreams. Oh, my God. Wouldn't that fuck with cancel culture? Yeah. If you could go, oh, hey, what were you thinking about when you heard this? Yeah.

Well, that's what's really going to fuck cancel culture is when we get mind-reading software. When we get Neuralink and mind-reading software, and people are going to recognize intent. That's going to be a thing. Whether it's 50 years from now or 100 years from now, they're going to be able to figure out when you're just being a cunt. When you're really trying to change the world and make it for the better or whether you want people to figure out when you're just being a cunt when you're really trying to change the world and make it for the better or whether you want people to think better of you and in the meantime all it takes is a few dedicated pis to follow around uh what's that cunt from fucking tmz the guy that yeah yeah until you can read his thoughts go through his trash

fucking follow him like Scientologists do, and find out what dirt do we have on you. Hey, I'm canceling TMZ because they went through my trash and found a few text messages that were printed. All right. I know what you're saying. We're going to be able to read each other's intentions for sure. Maybe not within our lifetime, but in time.

They're getting closer and closer to figuring out what's going on in your head during all sorts of different things, during anger, during passion, during love, during hate, during jealousy. Intent is everything. They're going to be able to, well, that's the thing. It's going to kill comedy. Mind-reading software is going to destroy comedy. Oh well, that's the thing. It's going to kill comedy, you know. Mind reading software is going to destroy comedy. Oh.

All that mind reading software. It would save me. If I were even cancelable, my intent is always, well, sometimes, but in my comedy, my intent is always positive. And I sleep good at night knowing that. Yeah, your intent is always positive. And I sleep good at night knowing that. Yeah, your intent is always positive and to get laughs. And this is the weird thing about cancel culture and comedy is that they exist simultaneously at the same time. Like comedy is like the things you're saying, you're saying inappropriate things most of the time. Things that would get you fired

from almost every other occupation, and it's part of the occupation. But how did they figure out how to split comedy into wings? Like, if there were as many... Genres? Genres of how they... There's like 18 kind of uh gender slash sexualities now but

if you're you're only two wings like oh he's left wing he's right wing so stupid like fucking legions of skanks is this right wing culture well no don't i'm not a wing i've never been political i'm pragmatic i have fucking opinions about stuff and we both agree that we don't know shit about what yeah what we're talking about half the time i'm all over the place with my uh leanings but it's almost 22 second clip and make it viral then yeah you're a fucking i'm a right-wing lunatic i i was fixating on you uh this morning where sorry go ahead no go ahead like when i see comics that i i know and respect and when i say i know them comedians pretty much know each other i don't know them personally but when they take pot shots at you on fucking twitter usually comics like when dane cook well people are jealous of my fame people are jealous of a

dollar amount that you made on fucking spotify i think most of those comics are considering if i had this this reach if i could influence people, I would do it different than what Joe Rogan's doing. And they think you're different. No, you're just a fucking dumber like me that has a podcast that somehow went fucking huge with due respect to your effort. But you're not trying to influence. You're doing nothing different than you were doing 10 years ago when you started this. Exactly. The idea is that since you influence people, you should change what you're not trying to influence, you're doing nothing different than you were doing 10 years ago when you started this. Exactly.

The idea is that since you influence people, you should change what you're doing because what you're doing is influential. I think a lot of comics say, well, if I had that much reach, I would steer people in a different direction.

For sure, there's jealousy involved. There's always jealousy involved with comedians. So many comedians are narcissists that anytime anyone's doing well, they get upset. I experienced it personally myself. I used to feel that way when's doing well they get upset i experienced it

personally myself i used to feel that way when i was younger i've talked about it openly i would see people being successful and i would want them to fail because it would make me feel better i'd want but i don't think that's the case but there's a part but there's a part of it there's a part of it when people are successful that other people want to shit on them there's also a thing where the idea that you have a certain amount of reach and because of that reach of a certain amount of responsibility you have a responsibility to be yourself the problem is if you only lean into that responsibility and you think of it as this thing that you must do because you have a civic duty to spread this

kind of information or that kind of information, then you can't be yourself anymore. Then you can't just be whoever the fuck you are. You have to be this thing that they think is more acceptable. And I think that's nonsense. That's nonsense. I think you just stopped yourself from saying retarded. I was thinking of a better word. Exactly.

Retarded, I'm not against saying it, but it's not the right word at the time it's like the this there's an inclination to tell other people what they should and shouldn't do and uh i think it's part of the problem with social media is that you can impact people you can get people to say things and not say things you can you really can do it you can get regular people to put their fucking gender uh pronouns on their bio like regular folks that you've known forever the normal and all of a sudden it says he him like really bob he him like no one knows like what what kind of game are we playing there's an argument for that uh that you don't want to be the old guy that's saying the fucking yeah you don't want to be the old guy that's saying the fucking... Yeah, you don't want to be Archie Bunker.

Exactly. There is, but there's also a forced compliance to this culture. That's the problem with it. It's a bunch of assholes that are trying to tell other people what to do because they get a kick out of it. It's just like the same people that want to yell at you when you're across the street to put your mask on. They're like, listen, it has nothing to do with you.

Just stop. There's too much of this going on there's too much of people wanting to tell people what to do you know and because of social media they have this ability to interact with people and one of the things that people like to do is they like telling people what to do they like criticizing people they're like shitting on them they like being mean it's uh it's just a weird thing. It's part of human nature. And it's rapid cycling to the point where you can't really keep up. Yeah. Yeah, just don't keep up. Just be yourself.

You know, Bill Burr had a great response to this kind of shit on Bill Marshall. He was like, cool, 200 fucking people on Twitter. He's like, I don't read that. I'm not listening to that. They were talking about people getting upset at his bits and stuff like that. You did that to me when you moved here.

I go, if I was a new comic, you are the equivalent to Carson right now, where you have that much reach. If I were a new comic and I was doing the Joe Rogan show, I would be nervous for every other reason than I was nervous today, which is I haven't been out in the real world in a year. Right. Like if I was a new comic, I'd be shitting my pants. But it's that frog in boiling water kind of. Yeah. Yeah, I'm doing Rogan. Your nurse here that gave me this swab to make sure that i'm fucking cancer

free or whatever covet for yeah she's like what are you here to talk about i go you don't talk to rogan about stuff rogan talks to you and you answer and you fucking wait your turn yeah i'll have to tell her stop doing that i want a pre-interview oh she was making light and yeah but that's a problem if you start thinking about what you're actually going to say. Oh, I've been doing that since Sunday, you fucking asshole. That poor prick, the guy that said I'm a big fan at the fucking Motel Kitzmiller in Fredericksburg. That you were worried was going to kill you. I'm a big fan.

I wanted to talk to him about all the things I've been thinking for 650 miles. I asked, hey, if you want a cocktail, I'm making cocktails in room eight. Did you say that to him? Yes, I did. Wow. And that's when I called Chaley and I go, let me do a Zoom podcast right now because my head is so fertile. And Chaley said three words for an hour and 12 minutes. While I just spouted off a million things I've been thinking on the road.

But you have to understand. In a year. I probably wrote down seven or eight premises in a notebook. In a year. Because I don't. Fucking comedy for me. That's why I was not engaged. I did not enter into any twitter battles with anyone

about anything that's going on or fucking can't because if i don't have a stage to perform it on it's it's useless information it's just gonna make me pent up and angry but you do it on the podcast though you do talk about stuff on your podcast I'm talking to people who also don't give a fuck. Like... What do you mean? Like, Chaley and Chad Shank, we're just sitting around for a year. They don't give a fuck? What do you mean?

About the outside world. Oh, okay. Like, the outside world is for business purposes only. If I have an opinion about something that really doesn't affect my day-to-day, why get angry about something I'm just going to yell at my wife about? So the inside world is Bisbee and the outside world is just for business purposes.

So you have home base. Pretty much. That's a good way to handle it. Home base. I don't, I'm not having this argument at Safeway. By the way, I don't know where the camera is i brought uh signature brand cola safeway if you want to shop for groceries go to safeway buy off brand i don't have any is it just as good i don't fucking know i just mix it with whiskey

i'm looking for a whiskey sponsor that says our our whiskey is so good, you don't need Safeway brand off-brand cola. Maybe you should catch up with drinking. I feel like I'm the stupid one. I don't think they're going to approve that for a marketing campaign. Yeah, Safely. I would have loved to have gotten a hold of, I was going to say, the Coca-Cola that used to have cocaine in it. That stuff must have been amazing.

Imagine what it was like back then when people didn't know that getting coked up all the time was bad for you. I bet Depp has some in his basement. He does. Oh, my God. I bet he's got a wine cellar of it. But it seems like a kind of thing that would – I wonder what culture was like back then when a lot of people were doing coke.

It's probably really weird, right? Did you ever see Ollie Joe Prater I never saw him live I just there's a six episode ten minute series ten minute YouTube segments Sam talents the one that hit me to that the guy that wrote that book running the light and he's just this cokehead. He's only like 5'1", and he's doing really racist shit. But he's like 5'1 wide, too. Yeah, he's 300 and something pounds. There was always a photo of him at the store,

of him climbing out of the limo. He was climbing out of the Comedy Store limo, and he's literally like, you can't even imagine he can get through the doorway. And he's holding the door open, and he's got a big smile on his face. The urban legend that I attributed to John Fox, who was kind of his predecessor of don't eat the mayonnaise in the condo. Where his nose starts fucking dripping blood during a set, spilling onto his shirt and the audience is aghast.

And he doesn't know why and he keeps plowing through his just 80s cocaine comedy and uh which was edgy at the time and and then and he realizes what happens and he looks at himself and he he looks at the blood on his fingers and goes what nobody parties anymore john fox was a hard partier I forgot about that guy he was the worst he was the guy that did the same act for fucking like 40 years

Archibald Barrisaw two firemen are butt fucking in a smoke filled room chief walks in and goes how'd this shit get started no give him mouth to mouth he goes how do how'd this shit get started? No, he gives him mouth to mouth. He goes, how do you think this shit got started?

But I worked with him once when I was a kid in Reno and I said, didn't you have the nosebleed? He goes, that's Ollie Joe Prater. Why are you fucking putting that shit on me? I'm like, you kind of fit the bill and when i

did bill burr's podcast once coked out of my head after partying with manson he goes yeah you're like the new john fox where you don't i go i have that reputation am i the new john fox still kills me no you uh you turn over material much quicker i I get sick of it way quicker. I never saw that. I think I've only seen him live once or twice. I saw him at the Laugh Factor, I believe. John Fox. Oh.

Yeah. There's those guys that do that road. That road, man. Oh. Especially during the 80s. Like, those guys, they had, that was like the first road. I think, like, legitimately, the road popped up during the comedy boom in the early 80s. Because that's when clubs started showing up all over the place.

And that was like the oversaturation of stand-up. What year did you start, 89? 90. 90. In 84, apparently, was like the roaring heyday of Boston. And there was all these clubs around Boston. But it's also when I think they started popping up all around the country.

Like, the comedy club world is a pretty recent world. Well, there's the road, like, Kansas City, let's say. St. Louis, Chicago. Yeah. But then the road I started was, like, Tribble Gigs. Right, right. Billings, Montana. Yeah.

Like, the smallest of towns where they have comedy. But it was huge still. Like a Tuesday night in Missoula was packed to the gills because there was no cell phone. But you did those gigs at the same time where those comedy clubs existed in all these cities as well. Hoping to get into one of those. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But my point is before that time those comedy clubs did not exist in those cities so if you went back to the 1970s there was nothing like and if you go to the 1960s these guys are doing variety shows like the old lenny bruce tapes where he would be a host of a variety show he'd bring up a band there would be a dancer and a musician and burlesque yeah it was It was burlesque, yeah. Latter-day Catskills. Similar kind of stuff. Vaudeville, that's the word I was looking for. Latter-day Vaudeville.

So those guys like Fox and all those road dogs, that was a new world. That world was a new thing. It didn't exist before. And you could do the same act over and over again for decades. nobody watched your show no youtube yeah and if you were a really good there was good road comics there was like comics that were like good solid comics that only did the road and you know they would go to a different

town all the time and no one knew their act they'd never seen them on television they could crush four acts that you could watch the same set. Like Junior Stopka comes to mind. I'll bring Junior Stopka. And yeah, no. Play the hits. Fucking Hedberg. Brody. We always used to yell out to Brody. I heard you were a model. He was like,

I was a model in Serbia. And he would do this. I fought in the Iraq War. I was an Iraqi soldier. That's neither here nor there. But like Hedberg. Yeah. We went down a Hedberg fucking rabbit hole the other day just laughing our asses off.

For sure him. Well, you know, where I started out in Boston, that was what you would see these headliners do the same act over and over and over again. Most of them didn't do television, or if they did, it was like little clips on Evening at the Improv, like little quick 15 minutes or something like that. But they all had murderous acts that you could watch over and over again. Like, I could watch Steve Sweeney 100 times in a row, and it was the same act.

You didn't care. Like, you wanted to laugh at it. Yeah. Yeah. It's like people would go to see him knowing he was going to do the same act. But it was the same act you didn't care like you wanted to laugh at it yeah yeah it's like people would go to see him knowing he was going to do the same act but it was so good i i remember what i don't know if you knew me when i did the jizz in the face oh yeah yeah when i finally stopped doing that people are you didn't do the jizz in the face but that's when i was starting to get a

voice yeah yeah i don't i i don't even know if my voice is my own anymore. Like, I've written books, and I go, I'm mimicking a writer. I think I'm mimicking being a comic to this day. I saw what one was. I mimicked it poorly until I got to a place where I could mimic my own voice. But I don't know if I've ever had, like, we know real funny people. Yeah. That fucking, that you want to, Joey Diaz, obviously.

But, dude, I think you've got a thing. I think you've got imposter syndrome. I think it's, a lot of great artists have it. And what it is, is like, it's one of the things that keeps you good. Because one of the things that fucks you is if you start taking yourself really seriously and you think your work is important or you think your work is great. I went through that. Anybody can go through that. And that fucks you harder than anything in this goddamn business.

And so one of the best ways to avoid that was always think you're a fraud. It's like so your brain is protecting you. That's imposter syndrome. And it usually means you're conscientious. Dave Att is definitely the worst because he hates himself he's so meticulous about i don't want that out there it's not as funny as that right he's a legitimately funny guy and his that self-hatred keeps him producing. Yes. Which is attractive. The opposite is very unattractive. When you see someone, like, the opposite

is someone who has an inflated sense of their ability, and then they're not really that good. That's the opposite, right? That's so unattractive. Whereas the Attell thing is, you're like, Jesus Christ, dude, you're one of the best comics that's ever lived. How could you not? But you go, okay, I get it. I won't you go okay release that special because it's oh my god but it's so much funnier

again the opposite is well the people you know the the cliche with uh joey and there's other people i could name that i can't think of where he could read a phone book and it would be funny right if you and i read a phone book at best you'd memorize the phone numbers yeah it wouldn't be that funny we're writers i i won't put you in this i'm a writer that makes it sound like it's off the top of my head yeah i mean i think we all are in a way but every comic i mean when you're saying like you're a writer imitating a writer but you know like when hunter s thompson used to uh write he one of the things he did when he was younger he'd write the great gatsby over and over and over again he'd just write it out word for word just to get an understanding of the beats and the the way you know uh f scott fit gerald right

the way he would write out the prose and that's how he learned how to do it and we all learned how to do comedy by watching other comedians and you want to learn how to write by reading other writers tried to not sound like dice clay when i started open mics and then that's that's why i think i had that weird affectation don't fucking put it up jamie but there's there's me six months into comedy. It's on YouTube. Oh, boy. And I'm like, even my first evening at the improv,

which is like a year into comedy when they had a fallout. I talk fucking weird. You're talking some weird affectation. I have no idea what I, but I remember I don't want to sound like Dice Clay because he's the reason I got into comedy. Is it weird when you hang out with that guy? Is it weird you're out still? sound like Dice Clay because he's the reason I got into comedy. Is it weird when you hang out with that guy? Is it weird you're out still? Who? Dice Clay? No, I've only met him like two times.

Oh, really? You've never hung out with him at the store? Fuck no. Oh, no. I'd love to have you hang out with him. He followed me at the store in the OR when I was just get past. And he went, nice try. Like I was just get passed and he went nice try like I

was trying to be him and that's long after I was out of my like don't be Dice Clay face and and the second time was on Opie and Anthony where he came in and fucking like no one in my career has had that presence

of a Kinison or Dice where he just came in and took over the fucking room like literally and they're like uh dice is gonna smoke he walked in and lit up a cigarette long after it's completely illegal to smoke anywhere in the fucking world except in a field and they're like uh dice is gonna smoke we're gonna get in trouble and he's like fucking you you're funny i saw you special and then i started to tell him about how he was the influence he goes i already told you you're funny you can stop talking now like just this like that that old fucking late 80s vibe of fuck everything i'm

gonna come in here kinn, coked up on Stern. No one has that ever since. No, no. He was a different thing. Well, rocking. He's a fun guy to hang around with, too. Dice is a fun guy to be around. Like when you're hanging around with him at the store. He's very friendly to comics.

When I was an open micer in vegas he came he's playing some show and we're drunk after an open mic and we go oh dice is at this whatever casino and we went in and he was in a lounge area vip with his bodyguards and i go i'm gonna give one of these my jokes to andrew dice clay and i walked up and i'm like oh i just want to give them one of my jokes just like crazy person out in front of your place or crazy guy that comes to my house uh and they're like get the fuck out of here and i'm like fuck dice clay this was a great joke wow it's it's important when you know the douche bag that you used to be you have empathy

for the douche bag that's now trying to email me a joke I listened to Dice Clay with a girlfriend of mine when we were 19 sitting in my car laughing my ass off I'll never forget it my ass off I'm with a girl I, laughed my ass off. I'll never forget it. My ass off. I'm with a girl. I'm laughing my ass off.

Well, she was laughing too. All right. We were laughing our asses off, I should say. She thought it was hilarious too. It was just, you know, it's always weird when you know someone like that, and then all of a sudden you're hanging around with them. That was one of the things the store was very strange for me from the very beginning.

One of the first times I was ever there, I saw Damon Wayans on stage. I was like, Jesus, that's really Damon Wayans. You know? I'm still like that. Where I'm still starstruck by people. That I have to explain who it is. Which is what my fan base has to do.

Like, hey. People are never going to believe. Like, I'll drunk dial a fan that emailed me. Randomly. I had a guy. He just sent me. Like, I'm so-and-so. And I think you're great.

But he included his phone number. And I was in the mood. So I drunk dialed him. He goes, holy shit. He's somewhere in Arkansas going into a Lowe's. He's like, no one's ever going to believe that you called me. I go, well, no one's going to know who I am. And he told me he was just walking into a Lowe's and I bet him some, you know, small bet. Like, okay, I'll send you this if you can find one person in that lowes who knows who i am no one's ever gonna believe me because they're not gonna know who i am and i made him walk around a lowes talking to anyone that would listen do you know who doug stanhope

is no no i'm failing here hang on There's not a lot of people in here. Yeah. I, I fucking, I love my level of fame. Does that guy call you now all the time? No, he did send me, I think I bet him like,

I have a copy of like mad magazine or something. I can send you, I'm like, okay. And I'll send you an autograph thing. If you, if you win, that's cool.

But yeah, I kind of like that level of fame. Fun for him. It's pretty fucking cool for him. Yeah. Except you have no one to share it with. Like Dreams. That's perfect. He's got a memory. It's better than Dreams, because Dreams' memories are weird.

You wake up from a dream and it's slippery. You can't really get a hold of it. It's there and it's gone. But can't really get a hold of it. You know, it's there and it's gone. It's like, you don't. But I'm saying you can't share that experience. His experience of getting a phone call from Doug Stanhope. I had a joke where I said, well, it's not a joke.

It's the truth. I'm only famous within a hundred feet of my gig for a half hour before and after the gig. Other than that, nobody knows who I am, but I just realized on the drive out here, I also, my, my job is being famous. So for that hour on stage and half an hour before and after I do live in a world of a famous person. So if someone says to me, you're famous? I've never heard of you. I go, well, I don't work for you.

I work for my audience, and to my audience, I'm famous. So I do live the same experience. I just, my off time is way easier. Yeah, makes sense. I'm like a teacher. I have summers off. Jamie, pull up that thing that I was asking about, the technology that they're going to

use to record dreams. Because this is something that they're actively working to try to make a reality. As you pull that up, I'm trying to find my other can of this. Spindrift is the best. Are you advertising more booze? I'm advertising a million things that have nothing to do with me. Just things I enjoy. Okay.

Safeway Cola. No, I just enjoy Safeway. Safeway was the hardest thing during COVID because I live in a small town where the only corporate thing there, other than Burger King, which is the worst fast food ever and i hate them uh is safeway and i know everybody at safeway and i the only people i missed during the six first six months that i did not go out was suzy and anna and fucking ricky all my people at safeway the workers there i fucking put them in the liner notes I think the special

Do you know that you're the producer on my latest special? No, I didn't know. Thank you. I just wanted to be a producer. It's a text message that I go, hey listen, we recorded it in 2019 it didn't come out until a year later

and I said listen, can i put you as a producer so maybe we get some fucking netflix leverage on this oh yeah that's right fuck it yeah i don't care what are you showing me jenny what's this video i was hoping the video was gonna be better than show something that's what the device you just asked oh so it's a legit functional device sort oformio interfacing with dreams. Make that a little larger so I can read it. No, the thing above it. Yeah. Sleep is a forgotten

country of the mind. A vast majority of our technologies are built for the waking state. Even though a third of our conscious lives, a third of our lives are asleep. Current technological interfaces miss an opportunity to access the unique imaginative

elastic cognition ongoing during dreams and semi-lucid states. In turn, what is this saying though? That's exactly. This is a little better explanation in this article about this. Go to the top please so I can read the title. The title.

Yeah. MIT researchers develop a way to record and even alter dreams yeah that was what i was talking about so there's so much of this stuff that if if if there was a uh whoa look at this though targeted dream incubation they can alter your dreams they can guide the dreams towards particular themes tdi is a protocol that we utilized within an app on the wearable sleep tracking device donamo uh to record the wearer's dreams additionally it's also possible to guide the dreams towards certain ideas when the wearer is in process in the process of going to sleep by targeting them with information around the idea repeatedly.

Oh, so they put like a panda bear in your head over and over and over again. I've heard of people being able to practice things like this. It sounded so BS to me. I was like, okay, they can learn guitar while they're sleeping. I'm going gonna guess 1978 what what year did the shah of iran die because i remember i would sleep with am radio on hoping to hear air supply because i was in love with a girl and i woke up and my dad said oh the shah of iran died and i go that's so fucked up i had a dream about it

and then realized later i had slept with am radio on so i heard it on the news 79 boom look at that soon thereafter the iranian monarchy was formally abolished i didn't have a dream about that no well radio can only be so detailed. Well, I also got over that girl, and I stopped roller skating. Did you think of yourself as John Cusack standing outside of a window holding up the boom box? Remember that scene? I wish I had. I did.

You know, when we were late 90s, there was a million or middle 90s. I did a bit about that when Stalker was first coined a term and i'm like yeah but if john cusack holding the boom box that's a stalker but he's cute so it's romantic well it also comes into play again everything all the bits that you do about like priests molesting kids and they think it's a new thing every time it's popular in the news no that was like what was going on in the early 90s when i started comedy i remember becker's bit about an open mic going now what we have here is failure to excommunicate and then all of a sudden priest molestation is a new thing in the 2000s. And then it's a new thing again. Stalker was a thing.

Priest molestation, no, it's always been a thing. Like, everybody knew about it in the 50s and 60s. But it's not always in the news. When did it start being in the news? I mean, there's been a ton of documentaries and news stories. And then the one big one was when the Pope turned out. He used to be a bishop that was letting go these guys after they got caught molesting kids. And one of them went on to molest 100 deaf kids. They did a documentary on it.

It's dark shit, man. He was involved with a lot of the moving around of those pedophile priests. And that's one of the reasons why there was one point where they said he couldn't leave the Vatican. Because there were certain parts of the world that wanted to try him with crimes against humanity. So he had to stay there. Like, those guys are, like... But when you hear a comic that's a new comic doing bits like, this is just... Oh, like they think it's breaking new ground?

Yeah, but it's not. Do they, though? I don't know. In this day and age? I think it's something to talk about. In this day and age, I didn't start in this day and age. There was whatever's in a newspaper, like a physical newspaper. There was not Twitter or what's trending.

Now, everything's in the news for about 48 hours at best yeah and then it flies away which is kind of good it's kind of good but it's kind of fascinating to watch just the glut of information being poured down our throats it's just happening at a pace it's you can't keep up with everything it's just too much going on when they say that like there's more data being created there's some crazy statistic like more data being created in a day in 2021 than like the last thousand years like what is the the statistic it's something really nutty i know i butchered it in the last just the one that pops up today uh in the last two years alone the astonishing 90 of the world's data has been created

that's insane 2.5 quintillion bytes of data are produced by humans every day. That is insane. And it keeps accelerating. It's like there's no way you can keep track of all of it. Which is good. Which is good. Yeah, you can't. In our day, when there was like three sitcoms.

Yeah, you could make a joke about Alice. Lorena Bobbitt. Oh, yes. Yeah, remember that one? Yep. Yeah, there was Monica Lewinsky jokes. Lorena Bobbitt happened at the same time as... Fuck, because me and Becker were on meth.

And we went out in Scottsdale. Hey, try this, Zha Zhang. Rejection proof. Do some meth and go out in a median in Scottsdale. Need money to have penis reattached. Cops finally shoot us off. What was the other one at the same time? The two biggest hackneyed premises.

Anyway. Remember he did porn? He had his dick reattached and yeah franken franken penis or something it was called she threw it on the side of the road and the cops found it ouch yeah at this point i would be like this fucking covid vaccine where i go i didn't even feel it happen you know they give guys new dicks now guys have other have their dicks blown off or something's happened to their dick they've got an infection if i could get a new dick i would i would make it something freak showish like with a two-headed penis with a little baby head coming off so i could just

sell pictures you have to get a transplant like you'd have to find a two-headed dick to get a two-headed dick i'd take aeroquel and sleep through the whole thing and have lucid dreams about it. I have an answer for everything after a certain amount of cocktails. I get it. But they can't give guys dicks now, which is crazy. You know what they can't do? They can't give you balls.

Because it's unethical. Because if a guy died, you can't have his testicles, because his testicles will be shooting out his sperm, even if it's yours. Even if it's unethical. Because if a guy died, you can't have his testicles because his testicles will be shooting out his sperm, even if it's yours, even if it's in your body. So you'd be making his babies, which is wild, right? So if someone got a hold of your balls, if you died and you donated your balls to science and some guy needed a new pair of balls,

if he got your balls, he would be shooting your loads for the rest of his life. So he'd be making Doug Stanhope babies. And they'd be like, but Doug Stanhope is dead. Meanwhile, your zombie nuts would be activated in this guy's body. Just like if you cut a guy's hand off and then reattach it on another person, he gets the fingerprints of that dead guy. You get the loads of the dead guy.

It's actually happened three times. Really? In cases three times. Really? In cases of twins. Really? All cases were twins. Yeah, the first two cases, I guess one of the brothers didn't have testicles.

Wow. And then another one, it looks like one might have died. Well, there's that documentary about the guy that was a fertility doctor, but he used his own sperm, so he's got...

Yeah, he pregnant with like 100 people. Factoid for you, one of these books i read uh was uh the most children recorded by a single uh father was it that guy no no no this is some fucking pharaoh of fucking turkey before it was called turkey or something oh wow what about gingus khan i don't know who it was but uh look it up i think it's 880 children most children and he was that is crazy but that was in the the darwin book about why chicks fuck older guys like if i ignored all the big words just like that story he just put up here like if you ignore all the big words if they talk dumb to you you look what he said monarch of morocco had a harem of 500 women

and registered 522 boys and 342 girls in total an observation was made that 1,042 children, and then eventually after his death, the total rose to 1,171. Wow. And again to 1,248. 1,248. I don't know how they figured that out. Maybe they did some DNA testing or something. In what years is? That's crazy.

That's a lot of people. That guy liked to fuck Am I right people? Am I right? But Genghis Khan His DNA is in some insane amount of people in the area In the area where he lived That's why they call them mongoloids I'm cancelled

There he is 1672 to 1721 Wow look at that guy out there partying wow 1672 just up a storm not paying attention to any of your kids you got hundreds of them a thousand twelve hundred kids what what you're not paying attention to those kids yeah there's no way well they're homeschooled what a fucking animal god's just just shooting loads all over the kingdom well if every load that you ever blew became a baby yeah yeah even the ones he jerked off well he probably never jerks off why would he jerk off because he has a fucking harem. He has 500 wives. Why would he jerk off? You're going to satisfy 500 wives. It's so preposterous. Those poor girls.

I would propose the argument of you don't have to fucking talk to him or buy him breakfast. There's 500 of them, though. Sometimes you'd rather just jerk off. Go, when is it my turn? And you're going to be like, a year and a half. No fucking way. I think I became an adult when I'd go, I should just jerk off rather than fuck this girl who thinks I like her. Because I know I won't like her.

I quote you all the time. The post cum syndrome. Yes. Where you go, oh, I really did think I liked you until I came. Yeah, I used to do a bit about it. Jerk off first, then think about it. That was my best advice to people. Jerk off first, then think about it. because that is a weird fucking thing with men like you you really think

especially when you're young like when i was in my early 20s you think differently like you think like oh maybe she could be my wife and then you're not and you're like i gotta get out of here what am i doing and it's a fucking horrible feeling but it's true it's like it's real thinking it's not like you're like women a lot of times i think they're for sure some guys are deceptive and most guys are just can be deceptive if they're trying to get laid but there's also you're being deceptive to yourself like your dick is lying to you yeah yeah you wish you could have some kind of way to put that perspective in. Listen to what my brain was telling me. Put my brain in your head for a second.

You'll understand. Now I feel bad about it. Yeah. And it's not even a power dynamic. It's a bullshit dynamic maybe. Yeah. But I really felt that way until i came and that is you know one thing i gleaned off of yeah you're supposed to darwinian psychology theory yeah you're supposed

to keep the same mindset before you come as after you come which is ridiculous like you're supposed to look at things the same way after you come as before you come. No, the evolution is tricky. But it's not ridiculous to people who don't understand that, meaning women. Because they always think the same way. That's not true either. That's not true at all either. They must have an enormous relief. See, this is my problem with reading a smart fuck book for 16 and a half hours, listening to it.

Now I think I know what the fuck I'm talking about, and I don't. Yeah, but you're just talking. But it makes sense. Yeah, we don't have to know what you're talking about. You're just talking. I know. I was trying to dumb myself down with alcohol. When we were talking earlier about when you start believing your own bullshit.

Yeah. My sense of humor is Brendan Walsh. It's not the yelling guy on stage that I am. That's who I became on stage. What I laugh at is Brendan Walsh in a fucking neck brace doing prank phone calls. That's what I grew up being. Then I heard Dice Clay. Then I started doing stage i fucking love brendan walsh being ridiculous and silly and fart diarrhea fart sounds one of

the best files on twitter didn't they ban his account yeah what what was it for because he pull it up brendan walsh i think it's still his pinned tweet they abolished his verified account because he a parody because he was yeah he was pretending to be donald trump jr and that's what it was and it was but not as benign as the australian artist that sasha baron cohen has a problem with i remember reading it but even fucking he was crestfallen i love when i get drunk and i find a big word like crestfallen he was fucked up over being you know canceled by twitter over some silly shit brendan walsh is one of the funniest twitter people He's now at Brendan Walsh. At and then spelled out at Brendan Walsh.

So what was it? Me and Eric are putting on a pot of coffee and we're going to put on a pot of coffee and we're going to figure this out. Tonight we're in the White House. Sleepy Joe's in a cheap motel where he belongs. And it's a Donald Trump Jr. fake tweet.

Well, here's the thing. When you have the verified symbol, you can put anything underneath it. Which I used to, like if I was fighting with an airline, I could change who I am to Cond Nast travel writer. Oh, fuck. He's got 300,000 followers and he's a travel writer but he actually pretended to be donald trump jr because he was verified but it said brendan walsh i know it's so dumb it's funny that's funny it's so stupid there's there's so many people that have to fucking speak up in whatever the culture is

there's a million different cultures that have all been boiled down into left wing or right wing but when you fucking talk to people off the record that are in whatever groups they go this is so fucked up i live in in Hollywood. I'm a writer. I'm a whatever. And they don't speak for me, but I can't. Fucking white males can't save you now. Yeah, you have to speak up and go, hey, that fucking person doesn't speak for me,

but they're all worried. Well, they're worried about losing their jobs. Exactly. But we're just losing our sense of humor. It's just, that's... The idea that they would just pull that down and pretend that that's like he's being an imposter.

Like, no, he's being funny. You gotta have room for parody, folks. This is the internet. You gonna ruin Twitter? It's already ruined. You gonna ruin it even further and further? You have to have room for fun. What we do is we... they shut down a loophole. We open up a new one. That's how the fucking cycle goes.

Okay. What do you mean? You can't do that. Well, you can't do that on Twitter anymore. Then you go and you don't go parlor. That's the problem with any one of those things, right? Whenever they have a new one of those things, it always becomes like a right wing haven. Because by getting people, it's really kind of brilliant in a way because by getting

people to uh have this like since there's this heavy left-wing bias on twitter when people abandon twitter or they get kicked off of twitter they're almost always right wing and when they go to these places that say we don't have any censorship well what's the big censorship on on twitter the big censorship is in saying offensive things saying things that have things that have been deemed culturally inappropriate so that's of course especially if you're like some fucking 16 year old kid you don't care about the future of this app you don't give a fuck you're gonna you want to say all the shit you know you can't say on twitter but you can say at blah blah blah, blah, whatever the new app is. So they go over there and they ruin it.

And so, like, you have the main town square, which is Twitter. And every new one that pops up sort of miserably fails because they become so right wing. Like, it's all the people that are using it are right wing people. And this is only a few of them that I've looked into. But a couple of them, I mean, maybe there's some new ones I'm not aware of. Jamie, are there any new ones, new social media apps that are on the up and up,

on the rise? But isn't it the same thing, am I correct, that they become like super right-wing? I don't know. Wasn't that the thing with Parler, that they were saying that that's how a lot of those QAnon guys were communicating? I'm I made the news. I'm straining to find a better example that's not social media.

But whatever a law passes, you can't do this anymore. Okay, but you can't smoke in bars anymore. But we could have outdoor smoking. Okay. And then they go, no outdoor smoking. So then you have a cigar bar can have they're not applicable see here's the problem there's never been a thing like social media that's had that much influence on so many people and then a few people with a very like a rigid ideology in terms

of what they'll allow what they don't allow and those people are controlling this massive amount of discourse that's never happened before. It's way different than a law or anything else that creates a loophole. But I'm saying we always, as human beings, find a way to usurp a law, whatever it is. If it's Twitter law, government law, you find a loophole. Then they find a way to shut it down. Then you open up another. Throughout history, you find a way to shut it down then you open up another throughout history you find a way to fuck this system problem is it could take decades you it could take decades to

get out of this uh twitter power look this you could say the same thing about like why is uh the chinese government have control of all their one billion people well eventually they won't okay well how long is that going to take and then 100 years and they'll elect a new government they'll fucks them but this is the problem with this thing that twitter is because we we look at and it's not all a problem but we look at social media apps like a thing that you use it's just a thing you use you don't have to use it it's a private company they can do whatever they want but it's way bigger than that. It's something that can influence billions of people. It's a way of distributing ideas that's never existed before.

And if it gets controlled in terms of like there's people like that, they're kicking off Brendan Walsh for pretending that he's Donald Trump. I mean, come on. Whatever. Yeah, exactly. You've got gotta have parody. You gotta have fun. You can't, you can't have it so locked down and rigid. It's just, you're going to ruin human communication. But we have to understand that we're fucking old and the kids will figure out a way to

fuck the system. Maybe. And then the system will fuck them back. The system always fucks the people and the people find a way to find a loophole. Maybe. And then the system will fuck them back. The system always fucks the people and the people find a way to find a loophole. Maybe. Maybe. But this is a different thing. We've never experienced this kind of a thing before.

This thing is so much more powerful than any other new thing that's ever existed. Yeah. In terms of the ability to get out ideas and how much it can change culture. I mean, maybe. Maybe kids will figure out a way around it or maybe it'll warp people to the point where they're willing to accept some sort of totalitarian regime as long as they think it's like they've always done yeah as long as they think it's like the ethical and moral thing to do like it's a a great ethical moral totalitarian regime and they'll

they'll hop on board and then you're you're be cool with, you know, 2020s McCarthyism. It's like, it's going to be very similar. And then 2030s will go, fuck this. And they'll figure out another way to fuck them. And then the system will fuck them again. And like, maybe, maybe they'll stay controlled just like the Chinese government. You know, like this is the thing. It's like once something has control, like people are really terrified about control like people are really terrified about facebook they're really terrified about twitter and they're

terrified about youtube the amount of control that these companies have they're not egregiously abusing it like they possibly could like if if one of them like really went heavy off the rails there's a lot of power that these people have it's so much money you know it's that's why that if you watch that social dilemma that documentary twice and it fucking terrified me and then the bill hicks bit i look out my window right cricket right cricket where's all this shit happening yeah remember that do you do you want to know my neighbor's names i'll start with fucking well morgan murphy rents at the end i'm sure you know your neighbors i get what you're saying the point is you're close to your real world fucking yeah pets names

they're welcome in my house that's great but it's still you're not going to get away from the impact so if i tell people listen if you just stop procreating to a point where you actually know the people that you're talking to and humanity isn't just this vast load of nameless people, well, they're not going to do that. They're going to keep fucking. They're going to keep making more people. And every social dilemma argument that me and Chad Shank have while we're drinking always ends up with overpopulation, too many people.

That's definitely part of the problem, but it's not just the problem. Even if you have less people, they're still communicating the same way, and they're still branching off into these echo chambers, and we're more divided than we've ever been before. And here's the problem with that whole population article um argument i like people like if you stop fucking and then there's no people then we go away and then there's no more people like i like them i like having them around i think the only way you

have them is if you make more of them but i think the only way you appreciate them if they're uh in uh you have less of them yeah that's the problem with l.a in new york right there's uh you don't feel connected to a billion people there's there's too many of them there's a burden a fucking million or million year old bit of mine but you love a kitten but if you came home and there was 8 000 kittens in your fuckingroom apartment, you'd put on golf shoes and stomp them to death. Because scarcity is... Yeah, the numbers that we live in, whether it's LA... I mean, that's one of the things that I noticed immediately upon moving to Austin.

It's like, it's more relaxed here. There's less humans. Like, it's not good to be in that kind of fucking high rpm buzzing of la i love i love i love your love of austin but i almost moved here from bisbee when i first moved to bisbee and i had a fucking issue there and i go fuck it i'll move to austin i'm like austin the traffic here which is my number one consideration along with weather of where to live like the traffic here, which is my number one consideration, along with weather of where to live. Like the traffic here is so fucking awful. No, it's not.

It's nothing. It's a joke. It takes you an extra 10 minutes to get places. It took me 15 minutes in a Walmart parking lot to get out of it when I took a wrong right turn to try to get some food yesterday. Oh, just go up Ben Adams. Jamie, back me up on this. This traffic is bullshit, right? It's a joke.

It's not that the roads are, you mentioned that the other day. The roads are terrible. The roads are stupid. They fucking made a bad idea of it. Yeah, whoever the civil engineer is that started the city, they did it for horses.

Oh, wait, you're on my side. Well, it turns out the way it's engineered, it's terrible. Yeah, it's fucked up. Yeah, but the amount of traffic is a joke. It's not a crisp, clean grid that's easy to follow. The amount of traffic is the amount of fucking people trying to leave a Walmart taking a right turn on Ben Adams on a fucking one-way frontage road. I get it.

You're used to Bisbee. Yeah, I know. Bisbee is way, way sleepier. It's my first forage out of my bed in a year. I knew I was going to over-talk this. Well, that's good. Stay there, then. You got a good spot, as long as you don't talk it up too much.

No, no. It's a terrible place. It's a horrible place. That's it. That's what you got to say about everything. We're going to start saying that about Austin, too. Don't come here. But of course, people are going to come.

It's better. It's better than L.A. I don't understand the L.A. thing anymore, especially now for comics. It doesn't make any sense to me because it used to be that you wanted to be connected to television and you want to be connected to the movie industry. But comics today are more connected to podcasts than ever before, which means you could be anywhere. You could be in fucking Arizona. It doesn't matter. Nashville.

Yeah. Another benefit of covid thank you 500 000 fucking mostly elderly people that died so i could figure out zoom and i like i i'll tweet hey uh if you want to talk send me a zoom link and i'll fucking talk to you and then i'm talking to someone from wherever strange person yeah yeah fun i brought my goddamn reading glasses because i'm so used to zoom i have to yeah i i don't like doing podcasts over zoom though they just feel so flat i mean they're better than no podcasts at all if you want to talk to someone from the UK or something like that, but it just feels flat. It's like the interaction you have is so limited, you know? So that's good.

This kind of shit is better. Well, it's obviously better, but where I live. Yeah. Now I'm getting actual, like, I fucking drunk dial fucking Mike from Nickelback. Mike from Nickelback? Who's that, the lead guy? Nah, he's the brother, I guess. I don't know.

But, like, over a year, like, yeah, I have reached out. I have fucking rejection-proofed myself. Fucking Dr. Hook. Dennis, the lead singer of Dr. Hook, who when we get drunk and we play karaoke in the funhouse, we play Dr. Hook all the time. And he just randomly DM'd me, hey, I'm a big fan. I'm an American rock guy.

Oh, that's hilarious. And I, wait, you think I don't know who you are? That's funny. I'm just a big fan. I'm like, are you fucking kidding? Dr. Hook is a fan of us we drunk fucking carol your songs like fucking horrible christmas carolers sylvia's mother said anyway anyway let's wrap this up yeah it's four o'clock. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Time flew.

We did. It's like three hours, right? Douglas, where are you going to do this comedian's Bohemian Grove thing? It's a. Well, tell me. Off the air. Yeah. No, it's.

It's in Arizona. It's 100 miles away from where I live. Well, OK. But it's 42 miles from the Tucson airport. Oh. So it's easy to get in, easy to get out. And I just need $500,000 of seed money. Oh, you need a GoFundMe?

Yeah. No, I need you. I need you. Busy. Very busy out here. No, I just need your money. See? We'll talk.

No, no, this is Jia Jing. I don't think that's going to be happening. This is Jia Jing's fucking rejection proof. He just asked. And he said... Well, then you're rejection proof, no, this is Jia Jing. I don't think that's going to be happening. This is Jia Jing's fucking rejection proof. He just asked. And he said... Well, then you're rejection proof, so it doesn't bother you. Yeah, I don't really need to do that. I don't think you need that kind of money to do that. I like to bring in accountants to go over your paperwork.

Well, that's why I have Raider to do all the paperwork. You think they're going to move there? The comics are going to move to this spot? No. They're just going to visit? No, I'm just going to move my compound. I'll Raider to do all the paperwork. You think they're going to move there? The comics are going to move to this spot? No. They're just going to visit? No, I'm just going to move my compound. I'll tell you. Oh, tell me.

I'll tell you the other part of it. Why I want to get the fuck out of Bisbee. Oh, another part. Yeah, it's just one bad, bad man. All right. It's fucked me over. I love you, Doug Stano. I'm sorry you had to have me on.

Come on more often. It'll be more comfortable. Thanks for the book, too. Sam Talent. Sam Talent. Running the light. I'm going to check it out. Vodka Juice Box.

Oh, Bingo. Sorry. Bingo heard you were an anti-masker. I'm not. I know. Well, she sent you a mask. Oh, what's it say? Bingo, her and her musician partner have made a band, Vodka Juice Box.

All right. And we'll get a picture afterwards. It's a good one. It smells good. I've only worn it twice. Bye, everybody. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye.