The Joe Rogan Experience - #163 - Doug Stanhope, Joey Diaz

Episode Date: December 1, 2011

Joe sits down with Doug Stanhope and Joey Diaz.

That was one of the best commercials we ever did. Come on, folks. I know you don't like the commercials, ladies and gentlemen, but it's a fucking free podcast, okay? I didn't know we were doing commercials at all. I know, they're ridiculous. They're ridiculous. They need to be edited.

This is a good argument for the necessary... But that was part of the fucking... Having a producer. All right. We need a real producer. Yeah, it was fun. It was a fun argument. It was a fun commercial.

How would you know the difference between that and this? You don't. That's the fucking point. Oh, because you just hit a button and now we're actually talking? Now it actually is the talking. I no longer have to promote anything. But in the beginning, before we start, the way we got it out of the way, we used to just talk about the fleshlight all the time. And then we figured somewhere along the line, it's best to just get it out of the way and then go about the podcast.

So that's the... Yeah, sure. It seems a little disingenuous yeah no i'm i'm just it's a vehicle yeah i'm a bit scatterbrained doug stanhope on his way over here my good buddy doug stanhope who i've not seen in probably like a year a year somewhere around yeah no it's been a while maybe a year and a half since the last time i did the the show yeah man yeah yeah and when we went to see your live show dude i learned something i learned i don't like going to shows where i have to stand up oh that was a couple years ago that was was it a fucking kit kat club yeah that's like three years ago do you have people sitting down yeah no i'm doing yeah now that i can cut my own deal i'm fucking that back of the improv. Oh, that's nice. They gave up?

They came around? Now that I can do an off night. What's going on with Joey's microphone, bro? Oh, Mike. They need fucking bacala. They got all these open micas Tuesday too. It's Doug fucking Stano. It's all over. You got all these fucking mooks during the week.

Bring in this fucking savage. But I can do one night there on an off night and bring my own fucking crowd. You were one of the first guys to figure out how to get your own crowd online. You know, what you did was really a smart move by just leaving the comedy clubs almost completely and just going to little rock and roll clubs

and booking it yourself. Yeah, it was all out of spite. Spite drives you a lot. It's like a sex drive. But it was genius out of spite spite does uh it drives you a lot well you really drive but it was genius yeah it was ballsy hate and needing to let these motherfuckers know you're a voice and you got to get the fuck out there i don't give a fuck what you do you don't want to hire me i gotta keep doing what i do it's the best way you did it the best way though you you you really found your own audience like you you're one of those dudes where you go to see a stanhope show you know it's a Stanhope show,

you know it's a fucking Stanhope crowd when you see them walking down the street. They're all days from suicide. They're all smoking. I was in Calgary where I actually crossed the... I'm looking for the gig. Oh, that's right. So, yeah, we talked about this last time. Tell it anyway.

Calgary, there's a train station in front of where the gig was. So I see all these fucking hoodlums standing. I think they're waiting for a train. So I cross the street to get away from them. And then only to realize that was they were waiting not for the train, but that was my gig. That was the fucking cue for my fucking show that I'm crossing the street to get away from my own fans because it seems scary. That's one of his fans right there.

Look at one of Stan Hope's fans right there. That's how he shows up with the outfit. Stop making me look at fucking... There's a dude that's on Fear Factor, this new season of Fear Factor, and there was a thing on CNN about a guy living in a tree. You were saying, oh, yeah, if they did Fairfactor, I'd suck the devil's dick again.

And now I'm fucking watching football and here's Joe Rogan's big fucking huge head in my face on 55 inches of Fairfactor. I love it, though. They came with the long money, Stan Hope. They came with that vacation home cash in the middle of the fucking world falling apart. We're way too old for fucking talk about selling out or all that shit that young comics care about.

Rivalries. Dane Cook. Hey, Dane Cook, thank you very much. Dane Cook, like, I'm doing this fucking benefit show in Tucson. It's a long story. But, like, Dane Cook said, hey, I haven't done stand-up, but I'll help you out. Like, fuck, thanks. Thanks a lot.

Like, who gives a shit? Someone emailed me today about Mencia. This new Mencia thing is. I hope it's good. It kind of touches on your bit. Like, who gives a fuck? Yeah. You fucking internet snipes.

So was Dane doing the benefit? No, he's not. He hasn't done stand up in almost a year. Yeah. He stopped doing stand up in February. I ran into him at the Premiere of Warriors. Not to name drop. It's on the red carpet.

Avoided the paparazzi. But even people are, like, snipey about that. Like, yeah, Dane Cook. Well, he didn't put the, like, I don't know how Twitter really works, but he didn't put the apostrophe thing in front of it, so he's just telling your own fans that he's promoting it. What? Oh, I see what I'm saying. I don't know how Twitter know how twitter works yeah yeah he didn't put the a the people are just still so fucking cunty

yeah they're very old people well people are looking for a reason to be cunty because they're trying to distract themselves from the shit life that they live instead of looking at their life and trying to fucking figure out their real problems, they just go online and just fucking pop. You don't give a fuck about comedy anymore, do you? I care about good comedy. I still like it. I still enjoy it. But not the politics. I don't care at all.

I realize somewhere along the line it's mostly just jealousy and insecurity. You know, one of the things I realize is people have a shit way of looking at comedy when I used to tell people that I'd take Joey on the road with me. I'd take people, you know, like, who'd you do Rascals with? Oh, Joey Diaz and I. He goes, you bring fucking Joey Diaz on the road?

Like, what are you, crazy? Like, you follow Joey Diaz on purpose? And I couldn't understand it. I was like, why would you even think like that? Like, why does everybody, you know, everybody's worried at every moment that they're not the life of the fucking party like at every moment they can't even enjoy when other people are funny i'm like you don't want to be around funny people that's all i want to do i want guys to fucking crush in front of me yeah you know i want i want to just i want the whole thing to be

fun i don't want to just be the only one who's having fun up there. I'm so spoiled socially. Because, yeah, my fucking best friends in the world are literally the funniest people alive. So spoiled. So if you try to hang out with idiots. You go to your fucking in-laws or some shit. It's brutal. You can do this joke on stage. When they tell you you can do this joke on stage.

They don't understand. They don't understand. Take this on stage. See if you like it. You know, I was dating this girl one time. She's a nice girl. But I was at a transitionary point in my life there's nothing bad about her she was just who she was she was a young girl wanted to do what she wanted to do she was always upset she was she's a good girl she was a really good person but she was always upset that i was doing other things and i was hanging out this pool hall all

the time and she would always give me shit about it but you know i finally i had to have a sit her down and have a moment like i have fucking fun there do you understand again i have to remind people i'm tripping a bit just picturing you at a pool hall like it's a flashback in a movie and weird hair on yeah a full head of it yeah back to to Joe Rogan and pool holidays back in Boston. That's my pool holidays. No, it wasn't in Boston. It was New York. I became obsessed when I first moved to New York.

But she hated it. She fucking hated it because I never wanted to hang out with her. And I would tell her, look, and I had a conversation with her. I'm like, look, you're a very cool person. You're very sweet. I don't want to date another girl. But I don't want to fucking hang out with you every day. Well, you hate chicks.

I don't hate chicks. I hate dumb ones, though. I hate dumb dudes, but I don't want to fucking hang out with you every day. Well, you hate chicks. I don't hate chicks. I hate dumb ones, though. I hate dumb dudes, and I hate dumb chicks. Equally. It's not a gender thing. It's just dummies. But when you're in that situation, man, when you're just like, God, I just can't. I can't hang out with you all the time.

It hurts me. It hurts me to know that there's all this fun going on over there. I'm hanging out with you, and these dudes are gambling and staying up until 3 in the morning, and no one's married, and no that knows what the fuck is going on the next day they're all wild gambling motherfuckers and they're my friends and they're funny they say funny shit and I'm like what am I gonna do I'm gonna hang out with you and what are you gonna tell me like what movies you like we're gonna tell me what you like to eat you know what your mom said that was mean

you know Jesus fucking Christ I want to go have fun. Yeah, no, I think. Go ahead. Are you too far gone? Are you too far gone to talk? No, no, I'm good. I'm good. I was just that thought was cramping my mind. It's so important to have friends that are fun.

You know, it's the one thing that you get out of podcasts and shit, too, though. It's like people that don't know anybody like you or don't know anybody like joey they get to talk to you essentially on a podcast they get to kind of feel your vibe see how you think about things you sit down and see somebody talk for an hour you don't just see them talk you see how they think you see how they decipher stuff and it kind of can give you insight on how maybe you're not doing it that way or maybe you could you could do it that way and it would enhance your shit. You know? Right.

It's so important, man. You can get stuck in a fucking bad place with bad friends. Are you freaking out? No, I'm not freaking out. I'm just enjoying the entire fucking... Experience? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, man. Led Zeppelin's on the wall. We got this new studio for the folks that are just listening on iTunes. If you go to you stream.tv forward slash joe rogan you could watch all these now and uh we actually have it set up where we have now we're on fucking tv on delay yeah yeah weird huh i should not look in that direction i did that for you i did that for you so you can you know it'd be one of my favorite stanhope stories

that i tell is when you and i uh did mushrooms mushrooms and then we went out to the desert and it was the day the war started. Yeah, watching pregame for the war. I'll never forget this. You and I were sitting in Jan Ervin's living room, twisted to our balls, right? They had a fucking giant kettle of some kind of ayahuasca they were trying to produce. Amanita muscaria. Whatever it was. It gave us just a weird feeling in the head.

It didn't get us off at all. It did nothing. And I gave us just a weird feeling in the head. It didn't get us off at all. Nothing. And I felt like a popper. But I'll tell you what. I had a little bag of mushrooms in my pocket. And then I come in and they have this whole fucking giant kettle going. But you know what? The two of them together, though, I think that's what really blasted it off.

And, you know, that's what they think Soma was. They think Soma might have been, you know know soma from like the ancient hindu religion they don't know what it is but it was like the basis of a lot of their belief and a lot of their their you know their their ancient scriptures talk about it and like rave about soma and they think that it was amanita muscaria mushrooms mixed with cubensis mushrooms like mixed like that and that might have been because we were we were fucking blastastaroo, dude. I remember staring at the wall and looking at this crazy geometric pattern that the universe was made out of.

But we're watching Countdown to the War. It's like fucking Sunday. But you go, you were standing there and you go, holy shit. It was fucking, what's his name? Frank Caliendo. Doing a depression. Giving his picks as. All right.

I'm going to give you my picks as John Madden, who hasn't been relevant for fucking seven years. We're sitting there blasted, and I'll never forget this, because you just go, holy shit, there's a fucking kickoff. There's a kickoff to the war. There's a kickoff. And we were both like really just starting a trip like it was just coming on

and then you go holy shit there's a kickoff it's at 6 and we were sitting we just sat down 5.45 we should get a cocktail and some snacks we sat down and we were like

Terry Bradshaw is gonna fucking come on and tell you how he feels it's like it's the strangest time ever to be alive. What kind of a world is this? I know. They're telling us the war coverage begins at five. I know. What are you saying?

They timed it? You're telling me they timed it? They waited. Isn't it like a different time over there? So they waited all day. Yeah. And it's not like it was their time. Yeah.

It was prime time here. It was like six in the afternoon. Could you imagine if they actually timed the missiles to prime time in America? They probably had fucking. They probably fucking did. They probably fucking did. Right after law and order. It was CNN.

CNN had fucking advertisers. Oh, God. Well, you know, George Bush, if, yeah, three in the morning, you know, their time. Yeah, Sizzler, we can get fucking tied to sponsor it if you're going to nuke them at 6. It was such a strange fucking moment, man. What a weird moment. Stan, I remember those two broads that lived next to you.

Remember the tall German chick that was lanky and cute and a short brunette? And then there was the chubbier chick, Sage. Remember the chubby, rounder chick? Oh, those are the, yeah. You did like heroin or something with them or something? Oh, I did everything with them. Yeah, I remember Sage. Sage is the one I remember.

Why stop there? Sage is the one I, like. Sage's father at one time was the Rolling Stones manager. And what he did for this chick was he bought her a fucking blockbuster in Ventura. Bought her a blockbuster. And she said, I don't want a blockbuster. I think you turned her on to heroin and she was giving me shit about herpes. I go, yeah, I got herpes.

I didn't give her no fucking herpes. No, I, no. She was giving me shit about having herpes, but she's over there fucking doing heroin with Joey Diaz. Listen to me. All right. I was homeless. She would come to the store on Sundays. She would come to the store on Sundays and give me pills.

And she was an expert in mixing. What was that shit that was big? 10-year MDBA? MDMA. MDMA. MDMA with water. Ecstasy with water. With water. She'd drink it.

No, no. The other stuff. Oh, GHB. GHB. And she'd bring it to the comedy store. And I'd be hosting on Sundays. And she'd give me drinks of the GSP. Whatever the fuck.

GSP? Whatever the fuck it is. GHB. Whatever. I'm not impressed with your performance. Listen, so this happened. This went on for six months. It's GHB and really tight trunks.

On Sundays, I'd go to a house. Rogan, I'd go to a house on Sundays after I'd host. She'd come down. We'd buy Coke from Chewy. We'd go to her house. We'd do heroin, eat her ass, pills. I'd whip her. She'd make little shows at lingerie for me.

She was 100 pounds overweight, but this bitch was bad. Yeah, I was going to say, it's not an ass you want to eat. No, no, no. She lost the weight. She wanted to die. Then I didn't see her for a long time. And then she started coming around the comedy store and giving me that GSP and shit. So one fucking, this is a great story.

I forgot about this. I was thinking about Stan Hope on the way up here. And our friend Mike was selling weed. But at one time he worked at CAA. And he goes, listen, one of the interns over there, me blew up. He ended up being Whitney Houston's manager. And, you know, and the tour manager. And he's looking for powder. So every day they would come over and I would sell Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston. You know, they would come over with like $1,100, which was per diem money. I was taking Whitney's per diem money, right? Every day they'd come over

with a little white envelope and give me the per diem money and I'd go up to the Martel cartel and I'd buy 14 grams of blow, take an eight ball out and cut it and then give it to Whitney Houston. And they were fucking going crazy. This went on for 30, 40 days. But I couldn't snort all the blow I was

stealing from them. I couldn't snort it. It was just too much. So I was giving it to Marilyn Martinez To hold for me Isn't she dead? She's dead That's the coke that killed her So, okay

I got like two ounces of blow Plus I snorted all this coke And I can't snort no more I don't know what to do with it, right? So one night I call Marilyn I go, Marilyn, bring the coke down To the fucking store, right? I'm selling Coke to Whitney fucking Houston.

They're picking me up at 9 in the morning, paging me on the red pager. I'm coming downstairs, getting in the car with them, going to the Martel cartel, to the brothers, going in the house with two grams of Coke already cut in my pocket. And I would just go in, take rocks out, throw the cut in, mix it up, and give it right back to them in the car, and they'd be happy as shit. They were inviting me to A&M Records to come party with them. I don't party with them.

So how much coke were you stealing from them? I was selling them. I was getting them a half ounce and taking an eight ball out and throwing an eight ball of cut in. What is an eight ball? Three and a half grams. I've done coke my entire fucking life,

and I don't know... Percentages. Like what it costs. What the percentages are or isn't that crazy that people are so sleazy that it's all cut no no

you ever get I don't know what it's worth I always know where the fucking shit is at I know like coke because someone goes hey do you want to do a bump

and you go okay right but you don't know what the fuck's in it he's never bought it he does whatever when you go out with Stan Hope somebody got cokes he'll do coke you got When you go out with Stan Hope Somebody got cokes

He'll do coke You got elephant tranquilizer Stan Hope's like Uncle Joey We don't give a fuck The train's already running I got nowhere to be tomorrow Fuck it We're here already

You know what I got here And he said he had mushrooms I'm like what the fuck You don't This is the cocksucker That knocks on your door With rolling papers

And no weed You know what I'm saying Like I got no roll I got no weed But I got rolling papers Next time you bring Those fucking mushrooms with you, and we could have been right here on this. This would have been a great fucking podcast.

Not that it isn't. So I'm robbing Whitney and Bobby Brown for a fucking month. I'm robbing their blow every day. I can't do it. I can't snort it fast enough. How much are they doing? They're doing a half ounce a day. Oh, my God.

This is 90. No, this is 98. They're doing a half ounce a day, which is three ounces a week. Oh, what? This is God. This is 90. No, this is 98. They're doing a half ounce a day, which is three ounces a week. Oh my God. And singing. What does that look like? Whoa, an ounce is like this, like a half ounce a week. Oh my God.

They're doing one of those a day. Oh my God. Bobby Brown, his face twisted, and I was getting this shit that was flaky. Oh my God. I tell Marilyn, bring the Coke to the store. You would say, well, aren't they feeding an entourage at this point? No, I thought it was just those two. But that's the thing about Coke.

It's just those two. Yeah, you start, oh, there's only so much Coke left. All right, you got to go, you got to go, you got to go. Right. So this went on. So on Saturday night, I call Marilyn Martinez. I go, Marilyn, do me a favor. Bring the blow to the comedy store because I'm just going to sell it.

And a kid, after my set, gives me a little baggie with the bottom of it filled up. Like not even two lines. And I put it in my pocket and I take it home. When I get home, I do it. It's not Coke. It's crank. So I'm on fire now. It's 3 in the morning.

I'm in my house on fire. I got the Coke hidden in the trunk of the car. His shoe hasn't stopped shaking since. All right, I have the coke in the fucking car. No, I'm not bouncing. I have the coke in the car. You were earlier. I always do that shit.

I have the coke in the car, right? And I wouldn't bring it upstairs because I don't like coke in my house. So I would go down and do a little bump about 5 in the morning. Whoa, you would always keep it in the car? In the car, right? Hide it under the rock outside. Paranoia is a good thing. I don't like it in the house. It's a becker tub. I don't like it in the morning. Whoa, you would always keep it in the car? In the car. I'd hide it under the rock outside. Paranoia is a good thing. I don't like it in the house.

It's a becker tub. I don't like it. Better to be paranoid. But I don't like it in my house anyway. I never liked coconut. It's just bad. I don't like it. Right.

I used to leave it outside on the rocks in somebody else's garage, and then I would go over there and do a bump and go back upstairs. So there's one night I got upstairs, and the page is going off, and it's sage. And I said, fuck it. Let me just bring the two ounces to her house a blow and i brought at that time it was like an ounce and a half and three quarters this bitch picked me up at six in the morning with a case of starbuck coffee and can a half a gallon of vodka and we went back to the house and we did that whole package of blow, heroin, Valiums, MDMA, GSP. How many days?

How many days? Two days. Just two days. Until Monday afternoon, I had to get Scott Wolf, Josh Wolf's brother, Fredo, to come get me over by the Director's Guild. Oh, my God. For two days. I puked until Thursday.

Jesus Christ. Here's how sick I was. The fucking Houstons kept calling me. And I'm like, fuck you, motherfuckers. I'm out of commission, right? So finally, that next week was the Grammys. This is the last time I seen them. I don't think I told you about this.

Last time ever I seen Whitney Houston. I get a call on a Monday morning after the Grammys at 9 in the morning. And they're like, is your boy up? He'd have to be. Come get me. And they pull up to my fucking house where I live by the YMCA. And it was the manager, Whitney Houston, and Ricky Martin in the fucking back. And they're all going. They're going from the Grammys. That jaw, all them jaws are fucking going, Jack. And I get in the car with them. I drive to the Martel cartel. I'm sitting

there like I don't even know it's Ricky Martin. I just looked out the window. I was more paranoid than he was. I got in, bought it, brought it back don't even know it's Ricky Martin. I just looked out the window. I was more paranoid than he was. I got in, bought it, brought it back to the car. That's the last time I fucking seen him. Wow. They went out of town after that. They were here to sing. What year is this?

Had to be 98, 97, 99. They were doing the soundtrack to James Bond. A Wycliffe Jean who just robbed half of fucking Haiti. That cocksucker. He robbed Haiti? You didn't see that? He robbed his own fucking earthquake relief fund. No. That million dollars. No. Yeah, bro. That's why I don't send

unless I see the guy on the street bleeding, I give him money. When you send $100, they get 30 of it. Did you steal my change jar in the late 90s? Probably did, right? No, no. I don't steal my fucking change jar. My fucking change jar in the late 90s? Probably did. No, no, I don't steal my fucking change jar. My fucking change jar? What's a change

jar? It's just a thought he had in your head. Out of the fucking blue. We were just talking about Robert. He was just thinking about the 90s and where we lived on Curzon and there was a fucking change jar. I go, that probably is fucking... I called you Joey Jingles for a while. No, no, I would never rob a change jar. I'd rob something probably is fucking I called you Joey Jingles for a while.

No, I would never rob a change jar. I know. It was someone who just fucking. A change jar like a fucking cup of change? Yeah. It was just a weird thought that just came into my head. Oh, no. Now I've smoked pot, which I never do. What the fuck is wrong with you? A change jar.

I'm a professional. I remember calling you. What the fuck is wrong with you? You changed jar. I'm a professional. We were doing Seattle one time. I was opening up for Stan Hope, and I picked him up in an RV. And it was snowing in Seattle.

Oh, you and that weird chick. What was her fucking name? I stuck the fucking aluminum foil up her ass. He was around for that. He knew all about that shit in Seattle. Hey, Brian, you shouldn't probably play copyrighted shit on the background like ass. He was around for that. He knew all about that shit in Seattle. Hey, Brian, you shouldn't probably play copyrighted shit

on the background like this. No, I'm not. I'm just playing old shit. All right, I'm looking at all these images. You should probably not fucking start defamation suits. That's a defamation suit?

About Ricky fucking watered or whatever. It's a true story. What defamation? I know. If it didn't fucking happen, then it wouldn't give a fuck. Well, Ricky Martin's

clean and sober now. He came out of the closet. He's got kids. These opinions and stories are not a representative of the Joe Rogan. What is this, Law & Order? What the fuck is this? I was actually promoting copyrighted stuff. What is this?

You know what I'm saying? Law & Order, this story might think that you might know these individuals. They ain't the fucking people. You know this story's going to get on the internet now. You know, I've never played the brand improv. 11 years ago, what was Houston going to say to me? No, you remember me, bitch? Oh, I remember you.

The fuck? Sing, bitch, sing. I kept her alive for three fucking months. God damn. Rocks and shit. So you think it was just them doing that amount? Joe Rogan, you could go crazy. You got a chick that's sucking your dick.

I got no experience with this cocaine. No, you can do whatever the fuck you want. I don't have any experience with it. You're a fucking change jar. Jesus Christ. What happened? Did they break into your house and change your change jar? No, I just noticed all the change had been taken out

and nothing else was stolen. I go, who would do that? And I go, I think Joey's back on drugs. Maybe you fucking. So I called you. No, no. It's impossible, Joey. You might have done it and forgot about it.

No, I think the last time I went to Stan Hope's house. It was like someone, like I had an open house policy. You had an open house policy. Which I still do. I'm like, who would just like, I was just going, this is the fucking like 1996. We were all broke. I'm going, which one of my friends would be broke enough to just fucking, and I thought of you.

I was at the Coaching Horses one night, out of my fucking mind, and I couldn't walk to Vista, so I went to Stanhope's, because he had the open door policy. And I go to Stanhope's, I open the door, he's got the bunk beds. No, and this time in the living room, he just had a cot. I get on the cot because I couldn't even make it to the fucking bed. And that's the night there's an earthquake. And I wake up to the house.

And I open my eyes sideways and I see the clock. So I'm focusing on the clock. But the fucking earth is moving. You know what I'm saying? And that was just... That's, I think, the last time I was... Do you still have that apartment? Yeah, yeah.

It's subsidized. You have somebody in there. It's rent controlled. I still beat the fucking... I was... Do you still have that apartment? Yeah, yeah. It's subsidized. You have somebody in there. It's rent controlled. I still beat the fucking horn. I still live there all the time. I still beat the horn when I go by like a motherfucker out of respect. Hennigan's there now. Is Hennigan in town?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you ever miss LA? Yeah, now. Yeah? Right now, the fucking drive here was horrific. I was going to change... I was trying to get a hold of you Like I'll

If we have to do this The next day I'm gonna change my flight I'm like I could just fly I could Fucking 10 days off I'll just fly to

Fucking somewhere I never do that Just fly somewhere For a vacation Grab my passport Go to Costa Rica If I'm gonna extend my stay here To fucking hang out with you

I'll probably be fucked up When I leave Why not And then just the thought Of LAX Fucking ruined If I'm going to extend my stay here to fucking hang out with you, I'll probably be fucked up when I leave. Why not? And then just the thought of LAX fucking ruined that entire fantasy. Really? Oh, sorry. Get a talk down here.

No, it's perfect. All right. It's fine. Well, my audio functions are way fucked. Oh. Yeah. Medicinally. You know, why did you move there in the first place?

Why'd you decide to... You live in Bisbee, Arizona, in the middle of nowhere, right? What was the... Just wanted to get away. Impulse by. It's a place I found when I was driving on the road. Really? Impulse by? Yeah.

I don't even see the inside. Did you know anything about the town? I took pictures. Did you know anything about the town? I'd been there a lot. i had a fucking it's fine dude yeah yeah no all right do do do do do do do do do do so um yeah so i what's the downside what's the downside of living in a tiny little town like that because you're in like a town like what six thousand people or something crazy?

Yeah, Jake LaMotta has come over to the house a couple times. Jake LaMotta, the fighter? Yeah. Really? Yeah. The guy who they made the movie Raging Bull about? Yeah. What's that guy like?

You know what? I could do a fucking 20-minute bit. That's the downside. He lives there? Yeah, yeah. No, but you have to be respectful of people there because i yeah any good story that comes out of there they'll right of course that's your neighbor that's the downside to living in a small town yeah you can't talk about you can't flip

someone off and stop sign because they cut you off because that guy will be behind you in line at fucking safeway yeah like how often are you running the same people over and over again? All the time. All the time. Yeah. That's a weird thing, huh? So yeah, you get a fucking really funny

fucking bit about your neighbor. So do you guys think that Joe Diaz took care of this change? Real quick? No, I don't think so. There's the spot. There's the spot on the microphone. It doesn't matter.

I was looking for it. You're fine. You're fine. Your voice sounded good. Not to me. Not to you? Really? It sounded fucked? I think it's probably those headphones.

I know. I just had a bit of echo. No, it's because my senses are peaked right now. So what's the good side? There's got to be a good side. I fucking love it. One of the bad sides is I hate the road now because I want to be home. Really?

Because now you have a lot of friends in town. There's no fucking joy in Cleveland. Like, what am I going to accomplish that I haven't in 21 years? Right. Same thing over and over again. I'm going to throw a soft cock at a younger girl and hang out all night until she's deluded enough. What are we going to do? A fucking triple run.

Let's do a triple run old school. Take Red Band to drive. I'd fucking love to do a fucking triple run? Let's do a triple run old school. Take Red Band to drive. I'd fucking love to do that. When are we going to do a triple run? We did a 10-year anniversary. Did you really? Yeah, Becker and I, we did a, you know, 10 years from now, we're going to go back and we're going to do a triple run.

Where'd you go? Triple runs are these legendary one-nighters in the Northwest. I forget where on radio. We should probably fucking entertain or something. No, this is entertaining. Yeah, but... So you'd go, you'd play Idaho Falls. That's where I met Joey Coco Diaz

on a triple gig in Boulder, Colorado. I was a host at the Boulder Broker. The Joker Broker. The Joker Broker, and he came in on a Tuesday, and the run was... My driver's license for a long time, because I lived on the road. I didn't have a home

was the fucking Joker broker's address in Boulder, Colorado. I got a Colorado license. Mike Kessler. Mike Kessler's house. You bought the car from Mike Kessler. Oh, that fucking piece of shit. That's right. You bought the car. Yeah, that fucking Dodge Neon. I had that forever. Jay Moore

fucking spotted me in the parking lot of the comedy store in the late 90s and said, oh, Dodge Neon. He had some condescending thing where I'm good for the environment or something. What a cunt that guy is. But we met up. The Boulder broker run was Tuesday in Boulder. Then you had Wednesday off.

And then you had Thursday in Craig, Colorado. Friday in some other, Gunnison, and it ended up in Colorado Springs at some fucking barn. So Tuesdays, you had to come to Boulder,

and I became friends with Doug, and then Wednesday, you had off, so instead of having him stay at a hotel, he stayed at my house. That's when my wife and I first broke up.

It was a condo. That's when I first met him. He was still telemarketing in Vegas. The second time he came back, he had just done Evening at the Improv. Yeah, yeah.

And you stayed again and that's how we became friends. I didn't see him again. He won San Francisco and he came up to Seattle and then I talked to him. Well, it's fun when you go on one of those gigs

and you meet a real comic, you know, because you never know who you're working with. Joey came into the Joker broker. He was like the house MC guy. I was the house MC. But he didn't give a fuck.

You're like, hi, I'm the comic. And he's like, I don't know. And he goes on stage. I just had to fucking push me, pull you. That's how I remember. He was doing a bit about having the shits and the vomits at the same time. But you knew it was honest because you could tell by Joey's face. He was a fucking sick person.

He was like sweating profusely. And it was about having the push me, pull you shit. Trying to figure out which end to aim towards the toilet. I got $50 a show and I would sell Valiums. Push me, pull you. I would take 100 Valiums and sell them all for $3 a piece. And I would make $50 a show on a steak. It was steak night.

And I had to go up every Tuesday in front of the same 80 people and do new material every fucking Tuesday. So I'd have to get the bowl of paper and write five minutes and no place to practice. I didn't know about that. I thought you just wrote it and brought it up there. And it was the same people, and I remember that. If you got them to lift their head up

while they were cutting into the steak that they just paid $6.95 for, you know those type of people, that was their thing on Tuesdays. Two comics and a steak for $14 or whatever the fuck it was, you know. But it's amazing how that's how I got into comedy. If you can get them to look at you, you did your job. I did a gig once for Mike Clark, Lenny Clark's brother. Yeah, that is. Mike Clark is a great guy.

Lenny Clark is one of the legendary comedians of Boston, a fucking awesome guy. And Mike used to book me on a lot of road gigs back in the Boston days. And one of them he booked me was the waiting room of a restaurant. So it was as your people are waiting to be seated, they have like a room where they all sit down. I don't know why they didn't just make that part a part of the restaurant too. It was real weird. But they had a band and then they had a comedian so these people are just sitting around waiting and you just go up and start talking about blow jobs and taking shits or whatever

stupid act i had at the time and as i'm talking like i'm in the middle of a bit right about to hit the punch line and over the pa system that i'm using, it's like Johnson party of two, your table's ready, please come to the front desk. And I'm like, oh no. It was the same sound system. So every time when you were on stage, you could be in the middle of talking and they would just start announcing people's names

and it would happen like every 15 seconds. It was the most ridiculous gig of all time. And I replaced a host that was a magician that came out with a bird on stage but the bird would always get stuck on the lights and he would shit on him so they had to fire him.

That's who I replaced. That's how my comedy career fucking started. And I'll never forget when I seen the parrot or whatever it was shit on him I went right to the manager

on my dog because you got the hosting job was the winner of the Beck's comedy competition Beck's Beer and that's how I won you're more popular

than that brand of beer right now Beck's Beer in hindsight poor Beck's what happened to that beer how come that beer

never caught on I still drink Beck's there's something stanky to it Beck's if they're out of Heineken you'll get a Beck

I'll take it people still drink Honey Brown remember Honey Brown like a little... If they're out of Heineken, you'll get a Beck. Yeah, I'll take it, but I don't prefer it. Remember Honey Brown? Why don't they just make it taste like Heineken? Remember Honey Brown? It was really popular in the early 90s.

When you were a kid? What do you think sells more, Becks or Heineken? Heineken, right? Heineken. Has to. I think they got commercials running. Is that what it is?

I guess so. Beck's got a lot of commercials, dude. Do they? I haven't seen Beck's commercials. I haven't had a Beck's in forever. Maybe I'm just prejudiced. Maybe I need to drop the Beck's. I guess so. Beck's got a lot of commercials, dude. Do they? I haven't seen Beck's. I haven't had a Beck's in forever. Maybe I'm just prejudiced. Maybe I need to drop the Beck's. Go get me a Beck's.

You are pretty prejudiced with beer, though. I've noticed just from being at comedy clubs, you're always like, what the fuck is that? Why are you drinking that? You got to get a man's beer like Sam Adams. Well, you start drinking those little light fairy drinks. I'm like, that's not really a beer, goddammit. Try to give me a fucking light beer. Get out of here, bitch.

It's not a light beer. It's a light beer. Give me a fucking, bitch. It's not a light beer. Fucking Sam Adams, that's a man's beer. I hate the beer that I like is added. Do you want some? Fuck yeah, son. Are they light beer? They're Stella's and

Sam Adams. Papa, Sam Adams. Stella. We're in Andover, Mass. It was at the Club Grill 93. Oh, yeah. And there's three clubs in there. The time I had to follow Joey Diaz.

No, no, no. And there's a... On fire. There's a... And there was nobody with a mullet. Oh, please. And he went up on stage. In the middle of his set, there's a priest walking by.

And Stan Hope sees him out of a corner of his eye. And he goes, hey, Father, where you going? I got a tit-fuck joke that'll blow your fucking socks off. The whole fucking room, like, just shit. The priest just ran out of there. Me, him, and Chris motherfucking Maguire. That's who it was. I think that might have been Aku Aku.

Aku Aku, me, you, and Chris Maguire. You want a beer, Joey? No, no, I'm good. Because the priest was there with my dad. We did Aku Aku on Friday night, but we did Grill 93 on Saturday night. That's where I had to follow you in that monster fucking... I was booed off stage. No, he wasn't.

I got booed off stage when I followed Jim Brewer once. Really? Yeah, Nanuet, New York, I think it was. Maybe not Nanuet. Somewhere in the outside of New York. It was humiliating. I died a brutal, horrible death. I didn't know how to get myself out of a bad mindset back then.

And if anything happened bad during the day, if I got in a fight with a chick, anything that went wrong, I could spiral on stage. I could do good. I could hold it together. But I really had no business headlining. could do good. I could hold it together. But I really had no business headlining. And Brewer was having good sets all week. We were both having good sets.

They were fun crowds. But on the last show on Saturday night, it was a late show, and the crowd was fucking drunk, and he killed. He fucking killed. And I was standing backstage, and this is when my manager had just convinced me to start dressing nice so i was wearing like club pants i'd wearing like a nice pair of slacks and some nice shoes and i looked like the most unfunny fuck on earth and i knew it and i felt it like i'm like dressed like this fucking stylish douchebag and i'm gonna go on stage and i don't dress like this this is not how i would dress if i was hanging out with my friends like this is not

comfortable this is a fucking the clothes of an asshole and so i i felt backstage i was like shit i'm like i can't be thinking like this i can't be thinking that i shouldn't be dressed like this but i couldn't help it and my knee was fucked up at the time. I had just gotten, my ACL had just torn. I hadn't had the surgery yet. So I couldn't move good on stage. If I moved funny one way or another, my leg would pop out. So I had all this shit in my head. Like, oh, what if my knee pops out?

Fuck, I don't feel funny. And I went on stage and just ate dick. I mean, every joke that came out of my mouth, I didn't know how to say it right. My timing was off. I was panicking. And the worst part about it was this dude fucking in the crowd goes, man, you're not fucking funny. And I couldn't say anything to him. I couldn't say anything to him because I know he's right.

All I could say to him is, you're not helping. This is not helping. But there's nothing in that. Just pointing out that he's an asshole. He knows he's an asshole. He thinks he's entitled to be an asshole. He paid to see my shitty act. And that was a huge learning point for

me, man, about the mindset that you have to have when you go on stage. When you're young and your life is in disorder and you go on stage like that, you could have a goddamn tailspin. Maybe at the comedy store bombing one night. It's great, though. Let me just address the fucking elephant in my head.

Oh, shit. I'm fucked. You're going to be fine. You're going to be fine. I'm on fire. Listen, Joey and I are going to come with you to the Bray Ambrose. No, I can't go to Bray. All right, I'm going to come with Brian and I will come with you.

I can't go. Shit. I will come with you. I am fucked. We're going to be fine. Whatever you passed, I don't smoke pot. You're on mushrooms, pal. You're on mushrooms.

The pot enhances it. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up.

The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up.

The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up.

The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot six up.

The pot six up. The pot six up. The pot six up. The pot six up. The pot six up. The pot six up. The pot six up. The pot six up.

What do you expect? I want to just throw out a quick disclaimer. I'm even going to smoke a cigarette. That's how wide you motherfuckers got me. I really have no concept of fucking time. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about backdrop. Don't worry about it.

Let it go. Talk to me like this is what it seems like. Okay, I'm going to help you right here. I'm going to help you right here. Yeah, you're tripping. I'm not. So let me take care of everything. Everything. I'll get going to tell you. But it seems like... Okay, I'm going to help you right here. I'm going to help you right here. Yeah, I'm good. You're tripping, I'm not. So let me take care of everything. Everything.

I'll get you to your show. You live on this weed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're fine. The mushrooms you're not afraid of, the weed is what's freaking you out? And there's more where that came from. Introspective juice, bro.

It taps you into the fucking nature of the universe. Oh, I was just getting out the fucking problems that I had in my head and then we'll i'll be fine now i just wanted to say i really don't have any concept of time right now good good that's good i got it okay so you can good you said it so that now it's my responsibility i'm gonna get you to your show who are you working with today i'm not worried about anything but i'm i want you to not thought out because i was looking at you kind of melting, wanting to say, but I didn't want to interrupt your story.

You're beautiful, baby. Look at me with these. I got glasses on. I'm not fucking 22 fucking kicking on the couch saying call 911. Nah, fuck that. Stan Hope and I did DMT. One weird thing I had to get out of my system. Stan Hope and I did DMT, and Stan Hope went into almost like a semi-seizure. It was the only time I had ever been around anybody who did. Oh of my system. Stanhope and I did DMT and Stanhope went into almost like a semi-seizure.

And it was the only time I had ever been around anybody who did DMT. Yeah, that's when you came out. But before you came out of it, you were moaning, man. You were like this. And it was like

you got knocked out, dude. It was the same sound that a guy makes when he gets brutally knocked out. When a guy just gets fucking smashed, they have this. Like the guy last night in the Ultimate Fighter, the first fight. I didn't see the fights last night. Fucking spoiler alert, Joey.

Well, I don't know who it happened to, so thanks for not saying the names. But I'm going to go check it out tonight. This weekend, man, I wish you could come. You're not around this weekend. No, I'm busy this weekend. Dom Herrera's coming. Dom Herrera's coming to the fights. Ari's coming.

Is he working with Dom Herrera in Vegas? No, no, he's just coming down to see the fights. Okay. And Dom Herrera's really good at pool. And Dom Herrera and I play pool sometimes. We're going to go watch some professionals gamble. There's this thing called theactionreport.com, and they have professional pool players,

and they have these big high-level gambling matches where they all pool together like $50,000, $100,000. The buy-in is usually like $10,000 each guy, and then they bet a bunch of money on the side. Brian, that shit is really distracting. I'm trying to put something on it. No, no, no. Not as distracting as... That's Joey's breathing.

He's breathing. He's right. He's right. I was on Opie and Anthony. He's right. He's right. He's right. I was on Opie and Anthony. He's right in the mic like the fucking Darth Vader. I was on Opie and Anthony the other day, and I was listening to it when I was in my car, and Bobby Kelly's like, Joe, what are you fucking breathing? What's up with your breathing?

And I didn't hear it when I was on the phone, but then I was listening on the radio. I have a stupid headset, and it sits in front of my nostrils. So as I'm talking, I'm like... I don't even realize I'm doing this. It was the most annoying fucking thing ever. So to all you who were listening that day, I'm really sorry. I did not know that I was making those annoying noises in the background. There's going to be some great fights this weekend and motherfucking next weekend.

Oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely. You got Jon Jones Machida. You got some great... Jon Jones Machida. They just announced Ellen Berger against Diego Sanchez. Eve Edwards versus El Kukui on Spike TV. Oh, shit.

What about fucking Phil Davis against Rashad? They're finally doing that in February and January. You're going to Japan. I love it. Mayhem and Bisping is going to be a crazy fight. Five rounds, too. Five rounds. Yes, it is.

That's going to be a great fucking fight. God, I wish we were going to be there. Yeah, we'd go fucking. Ari Shafir is going to be there, ladies and gentlemen. He's also going to be playing his famous Ari Shafir non-UFC sponsored, non-UFC sanctioned Hunt for the Edible. I don't know what that means, but if you want to follow it, and I have no connection to this whatsoever, go to Ari Shafir on Twitter, at A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R. And he may or may not be hiding weed.

Ari, listen. To the UFC on Fox, Ari showed up with a bag of Caramels. All right? Ari always has 29,000 edibles close by. The other day I called him. I go, I can't believe. He's a savage. I call him up.

I go, I can't believe I'm in traffic. He goes, now you know why I always have weed in my car. Yeah. And he talked me into rolling the joint on the 405. He goes, roll it. Who gives a fuck? Smoke it. You rolled it while you were stuck in traffic?

Fuck yeah. That's beautiful. One fucking hand. Old school. You know what I like, man? I don't mind being in my car in traffic as long as I got that hands-free system and I can talk to people on the phone.

Yeah, it's great. You can talk to people. It's not bad, man. You can have a conversation. I have nice, long conversations with friends. Well, you catch up. Yeah, you catch up. Now you catch up on the 20 phone calls you've been...

Everybody's texting. That's all everybody does is text these days. The calls to text, it's like text is five to one. Have you been doing any of the Siri texting while you're in the car? No. As soon as I found out that Siri goes to a fucking database, I just said, why am I doing this? Yeah. Everything you do goes to a database.

And I was like, I don't – I thought you were talking about that fucking shit that we were talking about. Oh, that's another thing. Yeah. Well, you know, apparently that was in iOS, the iPhone operating system, in a diagnostic mode only back in the day. But it's not in it like Android phones. Brian and I are talking about some new thing that came out.

What is it called? IQ Client? Yeah, IQ Client. Something like that. Is there a reason why they say it's in there? Have they released that? I don't think anybody's figured it out yet. It's just been recently discovered. And what it is, for the folks who don't know what the fuck we're talking about,

when you buy an Android phone, Doug Stanhope, you have an Android phone now, all right? You fucked up. You should have went iPhone. I know you tried to be a nice contrarian and go against the tide. I got what they had. Use a Windows computer, too, don't you? I go give you one of those things I can fucking see so I don't have to put on reading glasses.

Well, apparently every time you send a text, it logs it in a database somewhere. It stores it. Every key press. Every number you press. Everything you do is logged in a database somewhere. My girlfriend doesn't get on the line much. That's not even it.

You think these are the only people that do this, Joe Rogan? No, it's not that I don't think. It's that it's been proven, and that's where it gets interesting. It's not that I don't think other people have done it. I mean, I think the FBI and the CIA has been trying to do this, trying to have the ability to spy on people. The argument is, well, if you're not doing anything

wrong, what are you worried about? The point is, it can be done, so it will be so you're getting the database like yeah but it's and then manipulate that that's a call it's a shit argument that argument like if you're not doing anything wrong what are you worried about it like that's a shit argument they shouldn't be finding every fucking number you then let me film you poop i want to see how much you do you look at the. You're not doing anything wrong. Yeah, let me do it. I also don't want somebody to know how

many times I do happy faces, you know, or stupid stuff like that. I do stuff that I'm like... What's wrong with that? It's not their business. At the other end of this fucking wire there's the human being that does that and he'll be dead with all that information.

No, it's not that, man. You know information Who gives a fuck No it's not that man You know what the real picture is It's not that What the real picture is Is that we're losing all of our secrets Yeah And it's going to come to a point in time Where there will be no secrets at all

Yeah Absolute honesty Yeah absolute honesty But yeah It's like you can't fight this It's a compelling fucking thought It is a compelling thought But it's you know

Everyone's terrified of it Because it's being controlled By a group of us. It's by one group of the population, the people who have this information. It's being controlled by them. And we don't like the idea of anybody having any control over any of us because we know it's natural human nature to want to dominate people. So when you see something like this and there's a database that records everything,

that's inevitable, right? I mean, if this is the direction that it's going, if you look at just how interconnected everybody is with facebook now and you know you just look at like that's a reason twitter it's going in that direction the person in the cubicle next to you is now a celebrity because she can ego surf herself and go yeah oh fucking candy stouffer is a fucking cunt she talks too loud and her breath smells like yeah and that's just because the fucking person next to you in the cubicle that you bitch at Oh, fucking Candy Stouffer is a fucking cunt. She talks too loud and her breath smells. And that's just because the fucking person next to you in the cubicle that you bitch at every morning is Facebooking about you.

So, yeah. And you could get famous with one fucking YouTube video. You can have one YouTube video you put up there and you can get famous. And you'll be as famous as the next YouTube video. Unless you're really good at it. But that's a good thing. Yeah, it is a good thing. Yeah.

The whole thing's amazing. It's bizarre. Remember Clear Channel? Yeah. Just the word struck fear. What a fucking corporate. I don't even know if they exist anymore. I think they do. Well, because this is what matters.

Yeah. Yeah. Podcasts. What people. I was about to dump serious because but now you're getting a show on serious well we've been on serious for a while on saturday and sunday but fucking dump it who gives a shit no no but no don't dump it joe you don't want to dump serious radio i love serious but i'm just not if i knew i could get it in my car i'd listen i get a fucking

drive an hour and a half to an airport you could. You could get it in your car. Yeah, you can get it in your car. Yeah, I get serious. Okay. Dude, yes. Every weekend, we're on the Opie and Anthony channel. I wish we had free passes. It used to be the virus, but now it's the Opie and Anthony channel. Joe, we should get free passes from Sirius at least. Yeah, it's ridiculous. See, we could give Doug a free year right now.

Yeah, we pay for our own Sirius. Talk good about Sirius here. But yeah, it's fun. It's cool. I love the fact that we can be in the car. And I listen to Sirius the car and I listen to series every day I listen to Opie Anthony

basically every day Ron and Fez and I listen to news CNN there's a lot of good talk radio stations I have this built in thing I can't get the XM things

for some reason really why's that or maybe I haven't tried you can't now either I maybe you just need to up your

I got a package prescription I have Stern CNN BBC yeah I get there's no music Maybe you just need to up your prescription. I have Stern, CNN, BBC. There's no music on my fucking presets. I have classic vinyl because every now and then I'll hit it for a goof and something will go, ooh, yeah, I forgot that one. You have a record player in your car?

No, classic vinyl is a station, you fuck. Get it? Oh, Brian. You buffoon. You need to get an O'Brien shirt Brian sure what the fuck bro? Come on Dog it's only for 30. It's only for 30 cars. I'm gonna stay I just I know Yeah, no, I just My watch

Like drop the bomb on me late,. Are you coming December 30th? Is that UFC? Brock Lesnar versus Alistair Overeem? No, I'm going to do New Year's with you. Okay. We're going to do a Vegas show in February around Super Bowl time. Right, the 4th. Yeah, we're going to do another one.

Big one. Big, big, big. Two UFC questions. A, does anyone in the UFC, do any of the fighters not like you? I get along with pretty much every one of them. Yeah, I don't have any problems with them. If I do, I always straighten it out. You know, it's a difficult thing when you're criticizing people that can beat the fuck out of you.

And you're criticizing them about their ability to beat the fuck out of each other. And you've got to go, look, man, I'm not saying I can do it better than you because that's the automatic presumption. I'm just saying this is what you're doing wrong. I can see it. Now, who's fighting for the Super Bowl Saturday? Who's fighting the Super Bowl? Earlier, did you say Bisping's not fighting

the fucking guy from the show again? No, Bisping's fighting Mayhem. Oh, okay. Yeah. I thought I heard a different name. No, they're fighting, and they're fighting this weekend. This is a fucking huge fight for Mayhem. And for Bisping, this brings him into top contender status. If he beats Mayhem, he's right up there with everybody else.

Does Mayhem have credits other than the stupid, fraudulent VH? It wasn't fraudulent. It was irresponsible, perhaps. No, just like fraudulent from just a viewer's level. Like, oh yeah, they have a beef and they're gonna... A change jar, cocksucker!

That's what you thought of? I rubbed your fucking change jar? That's why Joey wants to leave. I'm on UFC.com. Just a small change jar. They don't have the Super Bowl card up yet. That's how big the cup is. It's more of a jar.

They don't have the Super Bowl card up here, unfortunately. We can all talk about it. Joey Jingles, watch your fucking change jar, people. Joey Jingles, that's your new nickname. The only time I got in trouble, I would steal change out of cars and shit, was when I was an open miker, open miker, and I sold cars. And at night, I was living in the city, and I needed change to get back over the fucking bridge.

And I would steal quarters or dimes to get $1.35 or something. It was one of those periods. Oh, shit. This is why you always have to worry. When your friends are telling you they don't do drugs, that's when you worry about them. When they go, oh, yeah, I was fucking doing heroin, fucking sage all night.

That's a guy you can trust. Right. It's a guy, no, I cleaned up. Do you need any landscaping done? Do you need me to house sit while you're gone? I've cleaned up. That was some fucking crazy times. Those are some crazy fucking times, man.

Yeah. The young Hollywood days. This Joey Jingles thing is like. Young Hollywood days. I hope he's not really fixated. Crazy days. It's just a weird thought that came into my head About a change jar And Joey Jingles I remember being at the

Coach Coach and Horses Coach and Horses Yeah Coked up to the point Where I couldn't talk Looking to my left And seeing James Gandolfini there

With two of the hottest Fucking blondes You've ever seen in your life Ready to get his dick sucked Looking at me And he's as whacked up As I am Like him looking at me

And me looking at him Going what up, dude? And me being fucked up with that friend of yours, the girl. I mean, that was... Me and Hedberg went in there as, when he lived on Sierra Bonita, I was fucking staying on his couch and we went in there as like a dare.

We were like, we always walk past it. It's right up the fucking street. And then you realized how cool it was? And no one was in there's they had this bartender named ginger ginger was like fucking throw mama from the train you know mama yeah she was that fucked up and she like and she was covered in liver spots or crank sores or whatever. She's still alive? No, she fucking, they booted, this is all fucking 90s, but yeah. She had been a bartender there since its heyday before. Wow.

You know how dive bars go. Yeah. They go through, so they couldn't fire her and this old alcoholic ran it, but she threw a blind guy out of the bar for having a dog. There's no dogs!

And then the regulars that knew her were trying to explain, oh, it's a seeing-eye dog. He's blind. I don't care! No dogs! Wow. This is a horrific fucking human being. You'd be sitting at the bar, and your drink is out, and...

Am I good? Yeah, you're good. Everyone was listening to me, so I got thrown off. It's just the sound of Joey's breathing and the silence together was disturbing for me. You know, you'd have an empty drink, and she'd go out, and people would say, no, I'm good right now. And she'd go, this isn't a bus stop. Wow.

That's why there was no one in there. But then next thing you know, you're fucking doing. It was Quentin Tarantino, I think. It was me and Hedberg and Quentin Tarantino. And that's it in this dive shithole. It's closed now, right? Yeah. Remember we used to play tennis?

That place is closed? Remember we used to get tennis rackets and play tennis? I have pictures of it, yeah. Me, him, and Hedberg. What was the kid with the long hair from Seattle that was in Ireland doing comedy? Shard Hogan or something? No!

Oh, my God. All those guys. Dave Fulton. Dave Fulton. Dave Fulton. Yeah, he's so good. Stan Hope had to rent a car that was in front of his house. Again, you could just jump in it and drive it whenever you needed it, but the gas gauge was broken.

I got busted one time in Santa Monica, San Vicente, on fucking rush hour because, you know, you just get in the car. I have an audition, Stan Hope. I'm going to buy it. Take the car. Boom, get in the fucking car. Ran out of gas. Oh my God. No fucking nailing. The gas gauge is

broken. That's what it was. You have no fucking idea. Another night, Stanhope is out of town or something like that and he goes, take the car, Celine. And Celine goes, take the car and just bring it to Stanhope's in the morning. I park it on Sunset and they fucking tow it. The white neon. $200 for the white neon. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Ten in the fucking morning. I park it on Sunset and they fucking tow it. The white neon.

$200 for the white neon. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 10 in the fucking morning. Remember when you lived in Venice in that house that was painted like the American flag? Yeah, they painted it right after 9-11. They painted this giant duplex and it was giant stars and fucking stripes. Oh, so Super Bowl weekend is Diaz versus St. Pierre. That's what it is.

Oh, shit. Yeah, I'll be watching. Yeah, I don't know if St. Pierre is fully repaired, though. He's repaired. He had an injury. The anger he had from listening to Diaz healed the fucking thing. Just healed it. I hope so.

Healed a lot of other fights, though. Carlos Condit, Josh Costas. Listen, let's stop fucking talking like fans and talk like men. We don't watch GSP for his knees, all right? Keep wearing those tight fucking shorts. I love you, motherfuckers. Do you like the fact that he's shaved? Is that what it is?

I don't know what it is. You leaving? Sunday, we're going to have a show here at the Ice House, 8 p.m. Is that what it is, Brian? Yeah. Podcast starts at 7, shows at 8 o'clock. Powerful Ladies and gentlemen

Joe Diaz ladies and gentlemen Follow him on Twitter It's Mad Flavor Mad Flavor bitches Funniest fucking guy in the world Love you too man I'll see you Sunday Oh Jesus

Powerful Joe Diaz Ralphie May was making out with your mom? Oh, yeah. We were. Whoa, wait a minute. We had talked. Hold the fuck on. How about the cats?

With your mother's cat? Oh, yeah, yeah. The cats. I still talk about them. I act. She had a little ear or a tail. And Stanhope's mother's cat died. So she had to wait for the cat.

And she put a little towel. And she put the fucking towel. And she had to wait for the cat. She took a little towel and she put the fucking towel and she had all the cats sit around the dead cat and look at them and express their condolences to the cat. And I told Mrs. Stanhope, Mrs. Stanhope, she goes, look at them. They love the cat. They're sitting around going, how are we going to get that ear? I need that ear.

I need that leg. I need that tail. Because everybody was missing something. Her mother was great with cats. If a cat was missing a leg, that belonged to Mrs. Stanton. Fuck it. That leads me into plugging the Tucson

December 10th. December 10th, Tucson. Fucking Joey Diaz says he's showing up. Sean Rouse says he's showing up. We already have Brendan Walsh, Brody Stevens. It's Saturday, December 10th. What is it?

Where are you at? It's the Rialto Theater in Tucson. Oh, wow. That sounds awesome. What is it for? It's a benefit for the Humane Society. Oh, really? Every fucking penny.

I'm paying comics, fucking airfares. Really? Oh, that's awesome, man. nothing's coming out of the gate i got that surgery i had a fucking umbilical hernia so i just put on my website as a joke is it uh yeah uh if i have this i described the problem so it's a belly button hernia which is your fucking intestines pouring out of your guts oh my god my God. But the fatter and older I got, the more pronounced it became, and people are like, you got to get that check. Anyway, I put on my website, if you're a surgeon out there,

I'll give you a free DVD if you give me free surgery, and I got it. Really? Yeah. Wow, free surgery. What is it like getting under a fan that's going to put you under and open you up? It wasn't fucking Wilds and Whites of West Virginia fucking Oxycontin, I can fix anything kind of surgery. It was a respectable doctor. Yeah, no, they were anesthesiologists that were fans.

And you look like Robert De Niro at some points, and I'm trying to fucking ignore a lot of things that are going on in my head. Which Robert De Niro? The Cape Fear one? I don't know. Your fucking head's just... It does that naturally, but it's kind of twisting out of control. That's so funny. Is that a story? It's all going to be groovy.

What was the story? Who knows? Could be anything. What? Any idea what his story was about? I can't remember. Something about Ralphie May making out with your mom. Oh, yeah.

That's right. That's where it was supposed to go. Yeah. What was I fucking? Was I talking about my mother? No. I think Joey Diaz just did one of those things where he just ran out and was like, I'm going to drop this bomb and run.

You know what I mean? Flucks your head up. Yeah. It's so important, man. Guys like him, man. So important. It's so important to meet dudes that are just out there on the fringes. We were randomly talking about this last night or this morning about people that you know that are funnier than any comics, you know.

Yeah. They fucking died. Oh, comedy lost a master. No, that was a funny dude at a bar. I have so many people I know that are just fucking funny. And they just never get into stand-up. My manager is funnier than me, and I know it fucking destroys him this is just genuinely brilliant and funny my manager's funny my business manager's funny my business manager but as funny as comics are yeah he could be a comic

he could they could easily both of them could have been comics if they wanted to be yeah i know a lot of people that could have been comics there's a lot of them you know and it's it's a funny thing it's who decides to take that road who decides not to same but you know those people that could have done it man they're the same type of people to be around you know some of the like the guys i used to hang out with at the pool funniest fucking human beings i ever met just they're just derelicts yeah gambling junkies and they're just wild motherfuckers just dudes who they weren't fitting into some nine to five suit job it wasn't working out for them and it wasn't even like comics where comics try to say something funny on purpose exactly funny people exactly

they're not working on it they're not working on a bit yeah joey diaz just fuck yeah i mean come on what the cliche is yeah you can read a phone book but he's that funny do you remember the early days when dudes would actually try bits on you that's the worst

oh yeah no I still get it I do it all the time you do it all the time to people I don't do I don't like it's not a bit

it's something I think of that's funny and I'm just like oh I'll just say it out loud to see if I think it's funny if everyone thinks it's funny

or if you know but it's not like I've been writing this bit for many, many weeks. And I can't, you know what I mean? Oh, I see what you're saying. It's more something I just thought of maybe like that minute. So you're not sure. So you try it out on people. I don't really.

If you're open about trying it out. If you're saying, hey, listen, I'm working on this bit. Do you have any ideas? No, he'll just fucking force you into the conversation. I won't even say what city because because it's he'd know but there was a comic like an old like 30 some plus years in the business in the green room i haven't seen you in so long you haven't worked out that and he starts telling me giving it away with that voice

And he starts telling me fucking giving it away with that voice. No, no, it's no one. You probably. Okay. Yeah. No, it's a British guy. No, it's a British. Oh, no, no.

Am I talking fucked up? No, no, no, no, no, no. Black British. Sorry. I'm just happy. I'm talking like this. So anyway. No, no, I'm good. I'm good.

I'm going to fucking power through this. Oh, yeah. So he fucking riffs all these jokes. But at that, like from the new as trying to conversation. But he's doing a guest set. Oh, my God. And then goes immediately from the green room and has the exact same conversation that we just had in the green room as a set.

Oh, you know what he did? He just ear fucked you. He just made you sit and listen to his set so he could warm up oh you know what he did he just ear fucked you he just made you sit and listen to his set so he could warm up that's what he did but it was i mean it was almost immediate like hey perfect for him he's like if i can get it off in front of stanhope i'll be fine but it was someone i've known for like yeah but he doesn't care it's a there's a there's people that are basically almost sociopathic you know their desire to succeed and their desire to do well on stage supersedes everything, supersedes being a human.

And they don't care if they just use you to get their shit off and practice before they go on stage. You're my friend. I'm going to practice on you. You're my friend. Suck my dick. They're just ear-fucking you. Instead of fucking your mouth, they're fucking your ear.

They want to get off in your mouth. Christian Finnegan had their talk blockers. Talk blockers? That's Christian Finnegan. That's a good way of putting it. Yeah. There's people that just want to talk at you, man. That's the cocaine effect.

I don't know what that is, but I've noticed. You know, I'm very ignorant to the effects of cocaine. The only insight that I have is the one time that you and I drank that Mata de Coco tea. It was the same time that we, the whole day of the war. Oh, yeah, all right. And I remember saying, I can't shut the fuck up. Like, I got a real problem. I cannot shut the fuck up.

I'll give you an analogy that might work. You know when you're, like when you're writing really well? Yes. And you're like, fuck. I do this to bingo. You fucking just be with me because my head's going faster than I can write and I just bounce ideas off of her.

That's what cocaine is like. Where you're fucking, okay, I'm rapid cycling. No, you need to hear this because my fucking brain's going. Right. But it's two people doing that at the same time and and it's all fucking pointless, and it's a bad notebook. It's inorganic. Yeah.

Well, is Adderall the medium then? Because a lot of people that are on Adderall day, what's the difference between the cocaine high and a speed high? Well, I know Adderall is very much a lot like cocaine. It makes me feel like i'm even getting drips because it just is like a constant reminder that it feels like i'm on cocaine and but wow but it seems like it lasts longer and like where cocaine you feel this like up and then like 15 minutes later it's just a jolt where for me adderall that just gives me anxiety yeah that's a long term like i don't i i like the uh the cello what do

you call it the the practice of doing coke i like yeah the chopping up and doing a line is really romantic and if you do it the fucking comedy like the comedy store green room of the the main stage green room of the comedy store just like i want to chop up a rail that mirror is just covered i know but it's mirrored honestly it's a mirrored piano it's hilarious but it's not a real piano like you do red bullers like i i can do yeah boom okay i do a bump and i move on with my life it's it's like a fucking energy drink now yeah yeah really Yeah, really? Wow, that's amazing. But it's, yeah, it's the whole act of it is... I was on the highway once.

I was like 18 years old. I was with my friends. We were driving home and we were in Revere. We were near Kelly's Roast Beef. It's a fucking really sketchy neighborhood with a great place to get fried clams. And as we're driving,

we see this car beside us. And the people in the backseat had the light on. They had the dome line on. And they were doing coke. And the girl looks over at me. I looked at her. And she just goes, fuck you. She just looks at me and has this fucking evil look on her face.

Fuck you. And I'm like, whoa. All I did was look over at you, caught you doing coke. And I was like, okay. But it's weird how a little thing like that will scare you off of it yeah yeah there was that the first time I did acid I we lived in a Vegas where I lived with this family we're all like renting from her but there was kids in the fucking they'd play basketball in the driveway every day and like you know eight to twelve years old every day and the first time i did acid we took it and i'm having a fun time and

i'm like this is fucking good and then we went back in for a second hit and i put the acid on my tongue and then we walked back out into this i'm fucking tripping hard and there's a bunch of kids little kids playing basketball and someone threw me the basketball so I inhaled still had the paper on my tongue and it stuck to the fucking clitoris in the back of your throat so I puked into my mouth in front of kids where but I'm consciously thinking I don't want to lose the hit of acid that I just put so I'm I have a mouthful of puke trying not to so I try to swallow the puke which makes you puke way harder than anything else oh so I just I extreme vomit in front of all these horrified children it's four in the afternoon and. And I start picking through the puke

because I don't want to lose that hit of acid. And I found the acid in my puke and I wiped it off in my beer neck. Would it even still work? But just the looks on the faces of the children

where some guy, just your neighbor guy kind of guy is coming out. And now he's rummaging through his own vomit in the afternoon. Such a beautiful image. And that might queer those kids off and do an acid. It's my point. You know what? Yeah.

Much like you are queered off Coke from a finger. Some man in a mullet rummaging through his vomit on a side street in Vegas. Oh, my God. That might make you think. But it was one of the best nights of my life. Did you tell him? To this day, it was one of the. That fucking trip was still legendary.

Like, yeah. Just from eating. Did you think when you put it back in your mouth, it hit you harder oh it was a second hit the point is no we it was my first time tripping so i was already on one hit and wanted more of course let's do more wow uh yeah that probably did queer them off it yeah probably just much is it okay to say queer them off it no i'm just i'm Much. Is it okay to say queer them off it? No. I'm just so happy I remembered why I started this story is because you were talking about the cocaine and the woman.

That seems like 40 minutes ago. That was a long time ago. Really? I'm so fucking. It was weird when you started taking a nap just right there. You took like a little nap. Do you remember? Did I?

Brian's fucking with you. Don't do that, Brian. Don't fuck with dudes that are tripping on you. Oh, come on. That was not fucking. I'm sorry. All right, fella. Settle down.

Your cigarette went out? I never... The new cigarettes went out. Yeah, well, I guess I talked for a minute. I thought cigarettes just designed to burn forever. There's been a lot of this show that I'm just sitting listening to in my car, and I'm like, oh, wait, I'm on it. Fuck. I'm on it. Fuck.

I got to talk. I was just a huge fan sitting back for a while. In California, they actually have these new cigarettes where they stop burning after certain parts of the cigarette. Oh, that's only California. We were talking about that. Like that was a fad, like childproof lighters. But it's a California thing. Well, I don't know if it's all California, if they just did them for all cigarettes,

but it's so that people, when they flick them out their windows, it will go out and not blow and catch a fire. Yeah. It seems like it would be. How do they do that? What kind of chemical is that? Who knows what the fuck they're putting in there anyway? The FDA, Food and Drug Administration, that's what it is.

They approved more than 500 different chemicals that are in cigarettes. Well, that's fantastic for Philip Morris, who I've just put. Did you buy stock? Yeah. Philip Morris stock? Yeah, my fucking accountant. You know, do something with your money or something. Is that what he talks to you?

Well, no, it is his accountant, Brandon Walsh. No, that's how I hear it. Trying to tell me about a rainy day. Like, have I actually said that to him? I go, I don't really have that much confidence in saving for later. So, yeah, let's just keep it in the bank. Can I get it with an atm all right that's all i care about just kind of hope it's still real right but yeah no i had to get comedy accounts they're very cool but it was when when they're trying to talk to you real business-like, and you go, yeah, I probably won't be alive then.

And they're like, ooh, how do we talk? So you've got an accountant that's just a regular dude. No, he's the comics accountant. He has like 500 comics. I want to name drop him. I can't remember his name, but it's something Jewish. So he's still shocked? Harvey Altman. Harvey Altman and his kid.

They're fucking big comedy fans. Well, that's cool. So what he's trying to do is or shysters. We'll find out soon. That does happen upon occasion. They've done well by me. You've been shysted? No, I said they've done well by you. That was my

plug. I have to always mention Harvey Altman. Have you heard about a stutter and try to remember his name have you heard about this new fucking thing that's going down this new bill that they're trying to define the united states first first of all don't fucking owen amy where you're talking to your laptop i'm trying to make it seem like don't you know i'm trying to wonder why i don't talk for 30 minutes just for a second he's got the cheat even fucking norton even norton sits on there with his he's constantly just looking at his

cell phone fucking oh i guess he's always staring at a laptop you're like what the fuck is it does it does ruin the flow you're correct i just wanted to get your take i always thought i always thought it was closing like every time you do o and a, I love them. They're all great people. There's no pretense with them. But it all seems like they're going out of business. Why? What do you mean? They just have that attitude of, yeah, anytime they're going to start taking boxes out of your house.

They're all just watching. It's not even, like, for the show. Like, you're looking up something for the show. They're just fucking around while they're working? Yeah. Oh, that's funny. Norton's fucking Twittering. That's a problem when nobody stops everybody from doing that shit.

I went on there last time, and I felt like, are we really on the air? It's so easy to just fucking check your Twitter all the time. Constantly. I think it's just because they do it every day. Can you imagine doing this every day for, what, four or six hours? How long do they do it? That's true. That's craziness. Yeah, what we do is a lot, and it's just because they do it every day. Can you imagine doing this every day for, what, four or six hours? How long do they do it? That's craziness. Yeah, what we do is a lot, and it's still.

Don't get me wrong. No problem, very manageable. It was very comfortable, but it was like where you go, hey, we're just four of us hanging out. They're just so comfortable with hanging out that it doesn't seem like they're putting on a show. We don't have to talk for minutes. No, come on, they don't do that.

No, it just seemed like that when you're in there. That's my favorite show to do because when you do that show, it's just like you're hanging out. It doesn't feel like, you know, so many shows. Exactly. You feel like you're upright, your posture's upright, and you're just trying to give a good presentation, and then you leave. You know, you're like, I never feel like I connected with these people.

But, you know, you go to O&A, it's just a hangout, and people just walk in. There was people walking in the hall just wandering in. Yeah, walked in. Just owned the place. And it was so amazing. Marion Barry walked in once. Marion Barry.

And we were asking him questions about smoking crack. Yeah. He just was in the hallway, wandered in. The amount of energy Dice Clay can still put into being Dice Clay. Oh, yeah. He's a master. You have no idea what's an act. Yeah. I'm talking Dice Clay. He's a master. You have no idea what's an act. I'm talking to Norton. He's my friend.

I'm going, how much is that? That's what it's like on the road. Well, you're not telling me if it's fucking real right now. He's got that, what's her name? The great chick from the comedy store, legendary. Eleanor? Yeah. That's funny that you immediately knew who it is. That's who I was thinking of, legendary. Eleanor? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she was with him.

That's funny that you immediately knew who it is. That's who I was thinking of. Oh, Eleanor is amazing. She's amazing. She is the comedy store to me. Yeah, when she's gone, that place is dead. You know, they don't have any of the old waitresses working there anymore. Is she still there?

No, no, no, no. She's a comic, man. Yeah. You know, she's a comic. She's doing well. Oh, fuck. She's doing really well. But all the waitresses are all gone.

I really thought There was someone over there It's Robert Plant Gyrating on them Like oh fuck What is Look at Robert Plant This is a giant

Fucking half naked Robert Plant Balls and cock Right there Clearly defined That's an 18 foot ceiling And they're projecting Robert Plant's

Fucking package Wow that's so weird He's got His balls and cock on the left side of his pants. Look, there's his dick. It's almost sculpted. It's weird. It's not even real.

The way he moves, he would be terrible at fucking. He's not like Bobby Brown up there. They have a little step-by-take. They call that whiskey dick. He just looks like the way he moves is real awkward. I wouldn't want him fucking me, I'll tell you that. I'd be like the way he moves is real awkward. He's a bottom. I wouldn't want him fucking me, I'll tell you that.

I'd be like, come on, buddy, what's this? What are we doing here? I've never seen you dance, Joe. You never know, bro. This sounds like it's going to become a dance-off. Robert Plant on the wall. Boogie. They just didn't have the same awareness back there, I don't think. Don't worry, no one's filming.

They just look different. They are, though. If you had an all-time favorite band, Led Zeppelin, is it up there? No. No? Really? Pink Floyd, The Wall would be on my top five albums. Yeah, I agree.

But I also have Counting Crows and Tim Curry, who no one knows his fucking music at all. Tim Curry put out some really fucking... Tim Curry, the actor? Yeah. Really? From Clue? No. He had one kind of vague hit with I Do the Rock.

I do the rock myself. No? Oh, yeah. And that was it. He did Rocky Horror and then put out two albums and then a best of. He was the lead in Rocky Horror, right? Wasn't he? Yeah.

Wow, that guy's like a really good singer? Yeah. What kind of music? He's kind of Robert... You're putting him above Led Zeppelin? There's no Zeppelin album I want to sit on a fucking island and listen to. Really? Alone.

That's crazy. But I don't like music. I don't like music. I don't like it. It just fucking just ruins conversation. It does sometimes, but it's great when you're on airplanes. I, you know, I read

or I sleep. I do, too. I do those, too. But I also like listening to music and writing. I hate music. Really? Yeah.

No, I want to download. And if you're out there And if you're listening, I want a lot of fucking big band swing, but no vocals. That's what I want to listen to when I write, is no vocals. I want to have that as background. Big band swing, huh?

Yeah, background music. I do the same thing. You know what I do? I do Spanish music. Yeah, fucking classical. Yeah, it has an air of cunty right around right it makes me right cunty does ralphie may play the guitar um i don't know no but he didn't fucking die like ralphie may's in my death pool i had to put

one comic this is a for money one it's a real death pool not like just something we joke about this is for money how much money 50 bucks each person for a year how many people there's only 11 people but next year we're gonna get this rocking i've never had more fun than being in a death pool really yeah it's like it's like having stocks or something. You're like checking the paper. People get super offended when you put them in your death pool, though. Well, I've had so many people. I front-loaded celebrity rehab. So, Tom Sizemore, if you're listening, geez, you know what?

Fucking remember the crackle of that rock. How fucked the adrenaline, the self-confidence. Get back with Heidi Fleiss. I don't think he fleiss i don't think you guys are great together because i need you to die by december 31st because i'm in seventh place my only death this year is jeff conaway and i get some oh that guy died huh yeah but there's a bonus system like if he died if there's an overdose I get another 25 points for the overdose. And he was a Scientologist. He went to that after Celebrity Rehab. So Scientology is another fucking. Scientologist is late in life then.

Very late, right? Yeah, because Dr. Drew didn't work. Brian, can you pull up a video of that guy all fucked up? Because I heard that on Celebrity Rehab, he was super fucked up. I heard it like a bunch of different times, but I never saw it. Did you ever see it? Who? The guy that died.

Jeff Conaway. Yeah, that's... Because I don't follow pop culture. But I watch Celebrity Rehab because I hate Dr. Drew with such a violent passion. Because he's a fucking shyster, snake oil salesman piece of shit. And it's all on the new DVD that will come out as soon as I can pick a cover. Dr. Drew is a good guy. I like Dr. Drew.

That's why he's a real nice guy. It makes him more evil because he believes what he says. He says some crazy shit, though. He said some really ridiculous shit about marijuana and the addiction properties of it and the withdrawal effects again he's he's one of those like yeah this is part of that but he's kind of adjusted his stance on that you know and he's kind of like hey you know this is what always pisses me off about people when they have this he adjusts his stance based on fucking the polls yeah yeah well you, well, you know, it's a personal freedom issue,

and anybody who doesn't understand that, it's ridiculous. And if it was really that bad, there'd be a bunch of fucking bodies attributed to it, and there's none. And my real problem with it is that they always have this whole like... Well, see me tonight in Brea. You'll be fine. I might be just on a fucking slab.

Dude, you're going to be great. You're great. It's only 5 o'clock. You've got mad time, dude. Three hours from now, you'll be lucid. That was me being just self-deprecating and plugging Brea. Brea Improv tonight. Yeah.

One show. What time? 8 p.m.? If you're not listening to this, then you'll have no idea why the show went like that. Is it 8 p.m.? Yeah, I guess. Who's doing the show? It's an improv.

It's fucking like... Usually 8 p.m. Who's doing the show with you? It's like your family. Wednesday at 5. Yeah. Always 5. Always 5. Always 8. improv it's fucking like usually 8 p.m who's doing the show with you it's like your family wednesday at five yeah always five always five always eight yeah you can't have a nutty 11 45 show i've got i've played like three improvs now it was three out of two out of three three out of four where they hadn't updated the fucking video screen stop that fucking red band right now it's making me yeah dude you keep changing that and it's

distracting as fuck. You told me to show you the video. You did a search of the video for Jeff Conaway and so I was going to play it. Well, that's not the video. That's Doug's face. Yeah, but I was going to play it for you. That's a giant head that I'm against. Okay, I love your head. Let's play that Jeff Conaway thing. Let's see now that you got it up there.

Oh, that's that one. Oh, he's over there. Oh, wow. You don't have to worry about a thing. What's that music, Brian? Is that in this? That's your fucking shitty music?

That's really in your iPod? No. Oh, play this back so I can hear this guy's voice. He's jacked, dude. Put it early. They're subtitling it for a reason. He's not making it. I know, but I want to hear the noises. But that guy was fucked.

This is back when they glorified the pre-story. Look at him. There we go. Dude, drugs suck. Killing myself. Killing myself, he said. How would you do that?

Are you seeing something? I'm seeing myself breaking that mirror and slicing my throat with it. Jesus Christ. And those glasses. What is he I'm seeing myself breaking that mirror and slashing my throat with it Jesus glasses I could break them and I could slim myself Brish with them how amazing would it be if this guy didn't do any drugs at all and this was like a role he was Playing to try to let people know he could still fucking act yeah But yeah, and dr. Drew is about to tell him that fucking God will heal it Dr. Drew doesn't say that does he yeah he's a fucking 12 stepper

that's what AA is they put you into 12 step programs which are all about God you know why I think they do that I think it's a mechanism I agree with you that it's silly if you want to look at it as far as like whether it's plausible and I'm crying at the same time and some guy in the

audience talks to me he says you laughing you crying i turned my head i said i'm laughing okay kill it kill it blind thank you if that guy was really acting, if that's really how... It wasn't how he really is, if he was just acting, that would be brilliant. What a great move. Somebody should do that. He should go on celebrity rehab.

He died like that. Yeah, but he wasn't doing it. But what a great idea it would be to show people how good you can act. Go on celebrity rehab and just fake being fucked up. No, that's what they do. They've had people on there

for marijuana addiction. No, that's what they do. They've had people on there for marijuana addiction. No, they're, like, I think he said he's not doing it anymore, which I hate because I love trashing that fucking every bit of it. I think he takes shit for it. Well, he's got that new CNN show now, I think. Yeah, now he's trying to, you know, I'm not just a doctor of sex and drugs now. Now I'm a doctor of life.

You know that. Yeah, fulfill your destiny. They've become celebrity doctors. doctor of sex and drugs now now i'm a doctor of life you know there's something like yeah that's cnn destiny or they become celebrity doctors very tricky like that cnn guy that sanjay gupta i actually thanked him on my no refunds really why i just thanked weird people just it's a name that sticks in your head that like syrup yeah Yeah. Sanjay Gupta. Next it was Sanjay. Stop with saying Sanjay Gupta. Fucking just make up another name. So I put Sanjay Gupta

back into the universe instead of stuck in my head like a fucking leper. That guy took hundreds of thousands of dollars from pharmaceutical companies. Takes over $100,000 a year. He's a piece of shit.

Isn't that ridiculous? I can't stand those fucking Foreign pieces of shit He's always talking about Coming over to take our Fucking white people's Pieces of shit jobs Coming over here

And stealing our fucking Where's that white guy I used to hate Sanjay Gupta Coming over here And taking our corruption What's that nonsense Sayer

Wow You alright buddy Yeah no I'm good I'm good I just I haven't been high Taking our corruption. Who's that nonsense sayer? Wow. You all right, buddy? Yeah, no, I'm good. I'm good. I haven't been high in so fucking long. Is that what it is? You used to not smoke weed at all. I don't smoke weed at all.

Yeah, but many years I've seen you turn down weed every single time. And so this is the first time I think I've ever seen you smoke. It's great, isn't it? I love it. I'm intimidated. Why are you intimidated by it? No, I'm intimidated. You made me smoke pot.

Oh. It was going around the table. I didn't want to be the uncool kid. Well, you said you were. The only reason I even passed it to you is because you said before that, I'm even willing to smoke pot. Well, I really want to. It's so fucking available.

Yeah, it's awesome. That's the thing. I want to have a taste for it. I want to stop fucking drinking so much. You should try the edibles. The reason why the edibles have a totally different effect, man. It's really like a strong psychedelic. Yeah.

You eat cookies. Eat one of these fucking cookies that Joey takes. I guarantee you enjoy it. It's like every other drug or alcohol. It would be starting. I'd be 18 years old again, which is what I feel like right now where I'm just fucking stupid and forgetting that we have to fucking entertain you assholes.

We're fine. It's entertaining. You're fine. You're fine. I know what you're saying. But the point is, yeah, I don't want to have to start with weed. Like, okay, how much can I smoke before a show? It always amazed me that you were so introspective.

You're a very introspective dude, and you don't have any ego problems, and yet you didn't smoke weed. I always thought that was really interesting. It always made it, because it was never a community thing. When you trip with people, you're all like, we're together. Right, right, right. We're all fucking in this. And every time I smoked weed weed it seemed like everyone was

laughing without me or at me and i it wasn't never felt maybe you gave up on it like way too early maybe and you're smoking with the wrong people because if you're smoking with us it's just a giggle fest you know we just smoke weed break down the universe and laugh at shit yeah you're probably smoking too much too but you're probably thinking it's like a beer where you have to have many hits honestly i think like even before a show one hit usually would be awesome yeah you wouldn't want to do it before a show it's been so long since I actually

was like a teenage fucking weed smoker and realized I don't I've given it plenty of opportunities the problem is there's two kinds of weed there's indica which is what you always get that's what you normally get in Florida that's what you get if you don't know a guy. It's what you get if you're not educated. Indica is the stuff that makes you sleepy. It's really bad for short-term memory

loss. Sativa is not so great for it either. Short-term memory is a weird thing with marijuana. It's almost like the thoughts are coming at you so quickly you forget what they are 10 seconds later. First of all, you're telling me how many push-ups I should be able to do when you can do a fucking No, no, no. That's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying there's two different kinds of weed. The indica is probably what you were getting all the time. You probably weren't getting the sativa.

You're a legendary for giving a dude that smokes pot a lollipop and he can't get off a fucking couch. All right? Who was that? You tell me. I don't know. A lot of people that have fucking... I tell them. It's fucking, yeah, it's supposed to be pot.

Like, I couldn't move. Well, you know what it is, man? I like it hard. I'm like, if it's going to hit me, it should knock me on my ass. I did say it. Yeah. I want it to knock me on my ass, man. When you take an edible, you want to really blast off into the the ultimate like the furthest extent that yeah you can but you function like that yeah the same way

i function shit face drunk yeah i don't always function perfectly around like i gotta be careful i spent 21 years doing it like you're a fucking seasoned do you still get hangovers? I just feel like shit all the time. Every day. Every second. No energy. I've quit drinking coffee. For the kids? No, just for a goof.

Daddy, we don't like it when you... Why are you awake? Why are you awake? You sleep with the TV on. It's hell I need a shuttle bus To the other wing I took off a few days

And then I had a cup of coffee And it hit me like a lightning bolt I was like whoa is this what coffee is normally like Because usually I drink it and I don't even feel it It's like I'm so used to just drinking coffee Like I'll have two cups of coffee in a day and maybe even more when we're doing the podcast i'll just i'll pound down three while we're sitting there and then you don't realize that your body just developed like whoa we need to process this shit nice and quick and we need to develop a

fucking tolerance for it and then when you don't have it for a while your body sort of normalizes and then you'll have a coffee and it's like wow like it really jolts the shit out of you my nerve i i attribute it to alcohol but my nervous system when i drink coffee now a lot of times i just fucking visibly shake just from a like i drink decaf wow but i don't know if it's my nervous system is like that week where just coffee affects it you know you're fucking you get older you think everything is attributed to something yeah and i'm so happy when my friends that don't drink all the time don't remember anything like i yeah shit well you use your mind a lot more than a lot of people i bet just because the fact you're

always writing and you're always performing and you're always putting your act together and organizing it and putting new shit together and putting out DVDs. But all of us, it doesn't matter who you are, eventually this thing is going to shut off. Well, yeah, there's a water level, a high water mark to how much fun you had, and it has to be more fun than that to register well I got drunk with you in Indianapolis

but that's happened how many fucking decades in a row okay I don't remember you did we fucking kill a guy you'd have to be you'd have to supersede other levels oh we went to a titty bar oh did I see tits there

oh of course I remember you from 2002, you fucking stooge. There's been too many decades and too many. Yeah, it's interesting when you look back at it. I've likened it to like if you went to your entire public schooling, comedy, 21 years of comedy. It's like if you went to your entire public schooling and then college and then a couple of years of grad work, but you were shit faced every day for your entire fucking schooling and in a different school every week. And you come up and say, do you remember me from eighth grade? There's a fucking million eighth grades in this career. Well, not only that.

It's just you think about the numbers of people you meet every night. Your brain's not designed for that. Your brain's designed to meet like 50 people. You know, you're designed to have like 100 people around you. Because Richard Jenny, when I remember that head of the class chick I dated forever, the fucking redhead. I was dating her. dated forever the fucking redhead i was dating her and so she had done a a platypus man's like pilot for and and so she'd be at the improv and they'd like hug and kiss and you know how richard jenny was a bit of a lech and she introduced me as her boyfriend she goes this

is my boyfriend doug and i'm like this fucking cunt with a mullet in the corner. And you go, yeah, anyway. Anyway, it's great to see you. Why don't you go out to the thing and sushi? And he did that a lot to me. And then he was hosting one night at the fucking Montreal, like one of the dirty shows, one of their late night contrived pieces. Yeah, it's the danger zone zone and he was emceeing

richard jenny you know the dangerous richard jenny on the danger midnight fucking get another 25 quids out of you he says uh i've never seen this next comic before and i went out go you fucking hit on my girlfriend all the time so you get to this on stage yeah he introduces me i've never seen i've never met this comic before but i've heard good things that i just opened with you never met me you fucking try to hammer my girlfriend in front of me like i'm nothing all the time wow he took it in good spirit well till the end till he killed himself because i said it do you think that's what really ultimately triggered i'm pretty sure that was just a slow burn my young fucking spirited montreal that one rant just destroyed his

self-esteem yes did you like him as a comic i He had one of the fucking best bits, and I've tried to find it on the internet, about something about playing the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald to clear parties. Oh, yeah. I tried to find that on the fucking YouTube. Yeah. It was a good comic, man.

I didn't know him as a human being. I guess you did. No, I didn't. Great comic. And I was just poking fun when I said that on stage. No, of course, I know. But the point of the story is now I'm Richard Jenny. People are like, you don't fucking remember me. I opened for you like five times.

I'm sorry. I know you when we're doing shots of Jägermeister. During that time, I know you. Yeah, and maybe that memory comes back. Do you know of a thing called Dunbar's number? It's a theory that there's only a certain amount of numbers, a certain amount of human beings you can keep inside your head. You can only have a friendship with 150 people.

And when it's more than 150 people, you simply don't have storage for it. So all the people that you meet i mean you're meeting hundreds of people every fucking weekend your brain is just overly burdened you try to keep in touch with these people and stay friends with them and it's a building process because when you first start getting any kind of fame you're like oh you traveled from youngstown well i'll take you to fucking after hours and then yeah then they're they think they're your friends but then you get more fans so there's

a value to them because they're fans and you've never had that which is a shitty thing to say but it's the truth then you get more fans and you're like alright I'm not taking you to fucking breakfast every time I see you because now I have actual fan base and then you have too many fans and then you don't even understand

why they like you because you hate yourself and then oh have too many fans and then you don't even understand why they like you because you hate yourself and then uh oh sorry did i go too far douglas you don't hate yourself no no i i was trying to bring that to an absurd place but the you can't be friends with your fans on some level it's a tricky thing well your fans especially you got a bunch of fucking psychos following you i am like i there's i have your fucking forum suicide i have a suicide letter i gotta post fucking really i say yeah it's we got a fourth of july where and i had my lawyer fucking fact check it and they it's a real suicide yeah somebody killed themselves and sent a letter to you yeah they sent a letter he i wanted to see you before you know it was nice it was my friend is you get a picture fourth of july party at the house so i get this fan mail i always put my

address on the fucking website hey steal stuff hey some, hey, today, it's Friday, right? Whatever it is. Tuesday, steal something from work, right now, podcast listeners. Steal something from work. It doesn't have to have any value. Just some piece of shit.

Take your fucking coworkers' picture of their niece off their desk and mail it on the company dime right now to bingo at 212 Van Dyke Street like dick van dyke 212 van dyke bisbee arizona 85603 so i put this i'll do this every now and then on radio or on my facebook

just because bingo's retarded and she never understands why all these packages are showing up on fucking post-it notes some guy some guy sent his co-workers phone i don't know if it's fedex or ups the guy wrote he said this is my last day on the job so i'm gonna send you he sent a scanner that's so like obsolete like they can't replace them like it goes so it has value and it was he's quitting his job anyway so he sent something ups or fedex on their dime as a fuck you oh that's hilarious jesus christ that's fucking funny so what do you do with all this stuff how much what do you have stored oh we have it's usually nothing of value i don't like a fucking ups scanner i drop everything at the thrift store i think most people's like like t-shirts that you get from oh so you just

take them you mean start my t-shirt uh company and you go there's a lot of t-shirt companies have you noticed how many t-shirt companies there are like everybody has a t-shirt companies especially in the mma world that's why i really noticed it. Yeah, sell it to fucking the MMA world, because guys with fucking beer guts don't wear t-shirts. I wear layers. You wear layers? Yeah. Do you fuck with your clothes off?

I don't fuck anymore. Done. You just lost all, you don't like it? When was the last time you tapped? Occasionally you do narcotics, and they go, oh, hey, yeah, I have a sex drive and then you've so yeah probably uh what portland once a year yeah but it wasn't like we just start laughing in the middle like this is so ridiculous

wow it's just yeah it's such a non-event. It feels fucking trivial What is that like that's a weird weird feeling? What does that like? It's like if you just didn't you weren't hungry anymore you want to eat no good But it's funny how many people their lives are defined by that lust and that passion how important it is for them well you do see where like my comedy is fucking slouched since then but you realize that you you boil it all down to what was the root cause of all this desire was pussy and then you and then you get and then you fucking blow a load on her tits, and you go, isn't there a better way to say I like you?

Like, isn't there something? It's not if she likes it. Yeah. If she likes it and you like it, it's pretty fucking fun. It's a nature's fuck job where now you can think past nature, where you go, all right, now I see what nature does, but nature's fucked. Do you just ever just?

The entire, where you can look at the actual fucking planet earth and go you fucked up i know it's a pompous attitude but i guess to say that nature is fucked and we're right well we are natural we have logic yeah we're we're natural too man that's one thing that people don't consider i I think that everything we do is ultimately very natural. Everything is natural. Fucking the chemicals you're promoting are natural because they came from somewhere in the earth. Exactly.

There's no fucking alien substances. Everything is natural, even chemicals. It's true. Yeah. I think behavior is as well. I think people are so fucked up because our organism is designed to promote a purpose. And that purpose seems to be

technologically related. It seems to be about innovation. And Red Band's purpose is to get me a cocktail, little lady. I'll take one too, fella. Give me one of those. I'll take one of your diet fucking off-brand 7-ups.

You want the food club special. He says, well, I keep diet. I keep diet for the porn stars. Oh, they all like diet? That's what he said. But he's got like some fucking off-brand Sam's Cola. He told me he keeps energy drinks for the porn stars. So they all want energy drinks.

Can I get an energy drink? Actually, no. You have Vitaly vodka. I drink Red Bull and vodka. I try to get rid of that fucking Jagermeister burden Just saying Jagermeister on stage You feel like I'm fucking a 44 year old man Saying Jagermeister

Is that a bad thing to say? At some point You know at some point where you go I'm too old to do this You've had those moments When you're doing shots But somehow or another whiskey You could be 60 and still get a shot of whiskey You're doing Jager bombs when you're doing shots but somehow another whiskey you could be 60 and still

get a shot of whiskey you're doing jaeger bombs and you're 60 exactly i'm out of class but i've grown a taste for all this shit where like i whereas all the beer that i like is just shit horrible corporate beer and you and i watch football too so what embrace it but no the the fact that you see all the ads are geared towards the dumbest people alive and you go i like your product why do you make me feel like an asshole for fucking having a giant ad campaign saying that the fucking label tells me when it's cold because i don't have fucking temperature. But that's what I like. Shit. I enjoy shit. I'm at terms with it.

I just hate when it's marketed towards me. I know what you're talking about, when it treats you like you're dumb. But there's a lot of shit that's cool. You know, I like muscle cars. I know they're stupid. I know they're dumb. I don't care. I have a Shelby Mustang. I like the way it sounds.

I like when I hit the gas, it goes, I'm very aware that we're on a planet and this planet is a part of a galaxy and this galaxy is a part of yours. I'm enjoying this fucking Mustang. You know what? I didn't ask to be here. Exactly.

Yeah, fuck you and your environment. Sue my mother. She is the one who had the fucking gall to create life without its consent. Yeah, that's my attitude towards anybody that tells you that you're supposed to be really involved in our political consent. Yeah, that's my attitude towards anybody that tells you

that you're supposed to be really involved in our political system. Hey, we're born into a fucking system that we have no control over, and it's absolutely completely fucked. You want me to really get involved and invested in this? Is that really fixable? Yeah, no, you make your own fucking government. It's what the Amish do. It's what gangs do.

You make your own fucking reality. But then the federal government is always the big daddy looking over the whole pile. But it's something that you learn to avoid the same way you avoid fucking scorpions. Right. You don't have a high fence. I shake out my shit before I put it on. Do you really? How often do you get scorpions?

Well, not often enough. But if it's been sitting there for a while, you shake it out because you know your environment. Yeah, exactly. The point is, yeah, the same way you avoid every other fucking obstacle, you just avoid the government. You vote for Ron Paul and it makes you feel good and it's nothing to do on a Tuesday anyway. And it makes you

there's not. You can't start a compound though. They don't let you do that. You can't do that. But you just don't call it a compound. What do you call it? That's the thing is people have to brag and they have to be fucking like oh I'm gonna get on fucking radio until everyone's coming to my compound Waco

you know what just fucking shut up go down to fucking properties cheap in Texas get a whole compound and just say hey do you think you'll ever move to Texas don't fucking proselytize. Yeah, you can get plenty of pussy just running it that way. You don't have to get crazy.

Everyone that's in a fucking criminal element has to be so, like. They take it too far. Yeah. What gets them to the party ultimately drowns them. They drown in their own desire to. If Occupy Wall Street would dress up like Wall Street so they were indecipherable. It's too much money. It's a lot of money.

No, it's a fucking thrift store. Yeah, but you got to cut your hair. There's a lot of dudes at dreadlocks. Exactly. So commit yourself to the cause. You know what? That's fucking hell. That's why I love Anonymous.

Like, if they fucking sold merch, I'd buy a shirt. I was thinking, Brian, we should do a Guy Fawkes mask day where we wear the mask. Fucking anonymous. I got mine already. People like that are doing something. They're fucking with the system. WikiLeaks is fucking with the system. And you're going to camp.

You're going to walk for a cure is what you're going to do. What they are, though, dude, is they're representing giant numbers. You do need soldiers. You need anonymous. But you need anonymous but you need leaders to fucking yeah but the problem is they go after leaders and the beautiful thing about this whole occupy wall street thing is there's no leaders that's the beautiful thing about it but there's no there's no uh guidance there's no guide leaders but there's a pretty cohesive message the

point is it could be done if you Men style. There's so many. You see that fucking. It's like a Dane Cook audience without a comic where you see that fucking need for. You could turn this force into something. Right. And there's such fucking dimwits. Like any movement, most of the populace is going to be a fucking dimwit. Yeah.

And they need to. most of the populace is going to be a fucking dimwit. Yeah. And they need to... Well, you know, I mean, if you want to go back and read the conspiracy theories of the 60s and the 70s, the idea was that they were engineering our civilization to be this stupid, and that they were engineering the poor neighborhoods

to have shit education and keeping the priorities of education at a minimum so that they can continue to run people because most people are too fucking stupid to realize what's going on, as long as they can keep this charade going. And that's why it's all falling apart. It's because the internet now has allowed

pretty much everybody to see what's really happening in the world, see where the real numbers are going and the money's going. Except for what Alex Jones sees. He sees something you can't even see on the internet unless it's 995. Unless you buy gold, ladies and gentlemen.

Right now, they have baskets out in the desert where they're looking to put your gold. Hey, Joe. Senator McCain, you are a disgrace, sir. Remember when we were talking about Occupy L.A. remember when we were talking about occupy lda and i said something silly like about how i think they should move to the uh the trees and like make an ewok village i guess exactly that's exactly what i told you before the pocket was saying that the guy that guy's a guy from fear factor oh he is yeah oh he's on fear factor his name is shane that's crazy he was on fear factor with his chick yeah so that's they're creating Ghost. I get all confused with...

That's ridiculous. It's a very strange thing, man. It's a weird movement. There's all these people camped out, man. And a lot of them, this is where they fucking live. Why do you need a fucking movement? That's what kills me. Why do you need a gang?

It's fascinating, Doug Stanhope. You don't. Why do you need a fucking group? You don't. But to me, this is an exciting time. This is really interesting. I don't know what's happening. But to me, I see all these numbers of people moving, and these numbers of people protesting are unprecedented.

We've never had a public display of how fucking pissed people are like this. A public display of how many people are saying this is insane. I know, it's fantastic. It's amazing. I know, it needs to be corralled. But it's going to. It's going to eventually. First of all, the real unfortunate aspect of it all

is that they're trying as hard as they can to control it. Little Caesar's Pizza? No, Occupy Wall Street brought to you by Olive Garden. Olive Garden. Yeah. The most unfortunate aspect of it is that if it keeps growing, they're going to keep pushing it back back and eventually something's going to break. You know, they're going to push people.

I mean, we've already had people getting hurt, people getting, you know, hit with tear gas canisters in their fucking face, flash grenades. We've already had a lot of that shit happen. But if it keeps growing, it's going to keep pushing and they're going to have to push back. I mean, it's almost inevitable. But what? So what happens then? That becomes a real problem. Where does it go?

No one's explained to me what the fucking fight is. Well, the fight is that the system's fucked. The fight is that people didn't want all these bailouts. They don't think that all this is a huge, broad thing. It's absolutely broad. That's what we've known for years. You're right. But this is a general, ignorant reaction.

Or not ignorant. Any mob action is general ignorant reaction or not not ignorant um any mob action is ignorant reaction it is generally i would i don't want to say ignorant but what it is is it's it's a it's an unfocused anger with a good percentage of the people who have a clear idea what's the problem but there's a lot of them that absolutely just running around like from a completely military point of view, yes, you need a bunch of stupid people who don't really know what's going on. Unfortunately, they get interviewed by the press.

You need fucking numbers, and most of the populace is dumb as shit, and you fucking have to get numbers. Not only that, there's also a real tactic of agent provocateurs, where there's cops that dress up and go in and start shit and then arrest everybody why don't they do the fucking same thing back dress just like a cop without the jail without the insignia yeah put on fucking riot gear why are you sitting out there

i'm a weak hippie dress up like a fucking raider fan giant fucking mad max helmet darth vader yeah be as intimidating as the more intimidating than the cops yeah put on the attire of a guy i really i just want to be a punch-up writer for fucking occupy wall street i'm not against them i'm not i don't know what they're for yeah the system's fucked and i'm glad that you're out there doing something i just want to fucking write some ideas for you rather than make it so fucking obvious. I'm a hippie. Well, don't you think that's just inevitable? Whenever you have any sort of a gathering, that's why I want to join.

What are you going to do? You're going to kick the people that suck out? No, I'd quit comedy and go out and go, here's a better sign. We are the 99%. All right, everyone else has that sign. I want to fucking help. Let's make this funnier. Funnier revolution.

But how is that going to help you get rid of all the retards? It doesn't. There's no way to get rid of the retards. There's no way to educate them. You can fucking educate your kids. You have fucking two kids now, and you can pretend like you're going to have an influence on their life. You can have an influence on their life, for sure. Oh, you can.

You're not going to run the whole thing. It's an independent human being. Fucking Patton Oswalt had the great bit about how kids always rebel against their parents. So I'm going to be the worst parent in the world. And I'm going to have Phil Collins, no jacket required framed on the mantelpiece. So my kids turn out cool.

That's funny. Yeah. It's a weird idea you know trying to figure out what way to push and pull your kids you see them reacting to you though that's the strangest thing you see them you know like getting upset that you telling them that they can't do something and so they they rebound the other way you know you could see that that pattern developing really early where a lot of us you know i mean i don't know how you could see that pattern developing really early. Where a lot of us, you know, I mean, I don't know how you were raised, but I met your mom. You're the only friend I have that I don't dismiss once I have kids.

Because you have kids like a fucking terrarium project. I'm going to fucking control the growth. I'm going to monitor it. You're not a parent. Oh, I'm a parent. I mean, I enjoy parent i mean i enjoy no you are but i enjoy the same way you've never been like a we never met your girlfriend i like i'm gonna well i guess most of us are the guy that brings their girl no girlfriend my whole personal life is a you're it's almost like your friends are tZ. No, I'm going to keep everything private. I don't think you know me as well as most people. Well, I never met...

Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Jessica? Yeah, don't say names. Oh, shit. Sorry, it's too late. Oh, fuck, all right.

We haven't talked in a while. It's all right. She doesn't go by her married name. Ha-ha. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah, but no, I tell people everything. I just don't tell the internet everything.

No, no. You and I have... You would never... We've had a comedy friendship, you know? But yeah, no, no, no. No, and you're just comedy life. When you said, hey, I'll come to the UFC, and I go... Oh, I don't like that, man.

There's a lot of dudes that integrate these girls that they're dating into their fucking comedy life and they bring them everywhere. And the problem with that is they change their personality, which I've seen since then. It gets weird, man. It gets weird. I've seen it. I mean, it's nothing wrong.

You can take your chick anywhere. There's nothing wrong with that. But I don't think you should always do things together. I think there's nothing wrong with that. But I don't think you should always do things together. I think there's nothing wrong with having completely separate lives. Bingo is like my best fucking friend in the world. It works. It works for you guys. It's like whatever works. For what me has always worked is you've got to separate church and state.

Yeah, no, that's always been. So, yeah, there's always been kind of a border. No, it's never a border dude no it's just something no it's nothing you introduced into any you're just so alien from like my i'm high as shit if that's what you mean yeah i'm like thinking on i'm yeah i'm getting back coming back i'm good making a comeback you feeling it do you want an energy drink to push you over the top? No, no. I'm good. I have a cocktail.

I just... You're centering? Yeah. My fucking head has been in so many places. When you're just like, oh, what's a microphone? It was just a big rush. All that dumb fucking high shit is coming. All right. I understand what a microphone is, and I'm not really baffled anymore about the fact that we can talk to a million people.

Seems like we're all in the same room. I think it's amazing how well you've actually held it together. I could never, ever podcast shrooming. You did an amazing job. This Occupy Wall Street thing, this is why I pulled this article up, because I knew we were going to talk about this. This is the National Defense Authorization authorization act this is what i was talking

about earlier where they're they're literally going to define the u.s homeland as a battlefield and make u.s citizens subject to military apprehension and detainment for life without access to a trial or attorney this is amazing i mean this is there's something that they've crafted this is another high thing but you're acting like law matters. No, I'm not, but I'm acting like this is the reaction. Cops beat you every fucking day. But it's against the Constitution. No one cares.

But they do care. I mean, people are really freaking out about this. Yeah, if you're one guy that occasionally brings something to a Supreme Court every four years and they go, you were right, you were fucked, and then he gets nothing out of the battle. But in your general day, sorry. Well, this is what this is, is trying to turn the U.S. into a place where they can have the military patrol things. So the military would control things like Occupy Wall Street. They're preparing for civil unrest and they're preparing to do it legally.

What they're preparing to do is to make the United States a battleground so that when you are in a situation like Occupy Wall Street, you're literally like an enemy combatant. But they've been doing that for fucking 10 years. But they're putting it on paper, and that's what's really crazy. And they're so blatant about it

that they're literally putting this on paper. They're trying to pass this through, and people are fucking freaking out about it, man. Well, that's good. Yeah, finally. But it's still amazing that this is something that they're so fucking stupid. These people live in a different age. They live in an age of the media reporting things. Right.

And when these things get out on the Internet, and CNN's not covering it and washington times isn't covering it but you can get it on your fucking computer and go what is this shit is this real and then you make some phone calls you find out it is and everybody freaks the fuck out and and you know but does this asshole life miserable like it scares me it scares me if you yeah it scares me they shouldn't be allowed to do that they shouldn't be allowed to bring look. They shouldn't be allowed to bring... Look, there's a reason why people are freaking out, and these people need to be addressed. You need to figure out how to deal with that.

And the way to deal with it isn't a fucking tank. This isn't Tiananmen Square. This is supposed to be the United States. And at the end of the day... But it won't change without drastic... Why is that? But isn't the internet drastic? The internet is the most drastic fucking thing

to ever be introduced to a society ever. People have a fucking... They have to pay their fucking mortgage. But isn't the internet drastic? The internet is the most drastic fucking thing to ever be introduced to a society ever. People have a fucking, they have to pay their fucking mortgage. I agree. You see people that are like rolling their own cigarettes. They don't give a fuck about some law passing. They're trying to fucking feed fat kids. Is that it? So when everyone's down, that's how revolutions, there's no fucking revolution of the middle class.

That's when the middle class rose up. I think you're right in a certain sense. And I think the cynical viewpoint is pragmatic. Cynical is based on history. Based on history. You're absolutely right. But it's not based on the best that people are capable of. The best that people are capable of, they're capable of much more than that.

It's just that we can't pull it off on a mass scale. We're just not good at it. But we're capable of it. We're more than capable of pretty fucking awesome behavior on an individual basis. And the key is trying to figure out how that can be relayed to the entire population as an ethic. And the only way that's going to ever work is if people feel like the system that they operate under is fair. And right now they clearly don't. Right now the people feel like they look at all the money that's going to these CEOs that have been fucking.

Nobody looks at that. They do. They do. They look at the numbers. They can't help it. That's your fan base. Don't ever confuse your fan base with what lives in the fucking world in the dark houses on the fucking. You're right.

You're right Route 66. You're right. For the most part, you're right. They don't ever think about... There's plenty of people that do, though. The people that are informed should be the ones you're paying attention to, right? The water cooler talk

where they fucking mimic bumper stickers. Yes, that... But they have no idea what a fucking CEO is or how it affects their... You're absolutely right. They just want to fucking get Velveeta cheese for their fucking kid and if it's a dollar off, they're happy.

And they're not even poor. You're right. The real question though is why are they like that? And the question is are they like that because of nature or nurture? Are they like that

because they grew up in this fucked up society where in the 50s and 60s or whatever the fuck time they were developing, there was no information. Everybody was horseshit. Everybody but you you you act like information is something that people want we are in a fight that you wanted or not there's enough people that want it that are moving things

yeah no but we live in a a very insular we think oh you have fucking three million listeners but they just want to hear fist fuck jokes. That's one thing. Like Facebook has made me realize how many times people laugh for the wrong reasons because they comment about it. You lose all respect for a dude when you see a legit LOL. Yeah, but it's so easy to lose respect for someone.

I try not to. I try to be open minded. That's what I was talking about earlier though. I do LLs. I do happy faces. I just don't care. I think it's funny as a joke. When you do LOLs to me, I

actually do think it's funny because I know it's not a real LOL. It's like you're making fun of the fact that you're saying LOL. It's a joke that's three times gone. Where, hey, in the sitcom day that you were around for, hey, let me be the wacky neighbor that's what your friends would say and then then they said it too much and you're like all right

that's such a cliche let me be your wacky neighbor that now it's a cliche of when it was a cliche so it's funny again right right right yeah be your wacky neighbor on your podcast. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Yeah. It's like refried beans. LOL? LOL. Stop. Why do I have to see my goddamn ugly head everywhere I look?

It's just what it looks like, bro. Just look at me. Focus on the magic. You look very good. You look very healthy. You keep going into De Niro, though. Doug, you actually look really healthy this time. You look really good. It's out in the sun.

My house was on the fucking women's group Bisbee home tour. So I had to be out. The women's group Bisbee home tour. What is that? Actually, I think it was Nick Thune. I had to leave him. I'm sorry. I can't call you back right now, but

I called someone with an excuse where I go, I'm ashamed to admit it has something to do with the Bisbee Women's Club. Oh, that's hilarious. So they would do like a tour of the homes in the area? They won't do it. See, every year they do a Bisbee home tour because there's a lot of weird houses there.

So after 29 years in a town of 6,000 were out of idea so they came to us because we paint our rocks weird doug what do you do you paint your rocks weird you i'll try it again all right hit it doug have you done any pranks lately 5 5 40 pranks you know what it was the awesome the awesomest thing the most awesome you just fucking wore off on me dude i got infected by brian red band was when you would do those uh pedophile baitings do you put those out in The awesomest thing? The most awesomest thing. You just fucking wore off on me, dude. I got infected by Brian Redband. Was when you would do those pedophile baitings. Did you put those out in a book? Yeah, I put them out in a book, but the title of the book is Fun with Pedophiles.

I never even considered, because I'm the fucking last guy to even think about technology. Sorry, just... This is another reason I don't smoke pot. to even think about technology. Sorry, just... This is another reason I don't smoke pot. You say this while you have a cigarette in your hand. I never thought that people wouldn't want to punch pedophiles into a search engine. I don't know a search engine.

Yeah, you don't want that. And that's the name of the book. Can't you re-release it? I could. Just call it baiting. Yeah, the best of baiting is the subtitle. Oh, okay. Yeah, but fun with pedophiles.

That is a problem. Yeah. Yeah. This is fucking... You got to be real careful about that these days. That probably brings up some... There's like some crazy search engine database with the FBI, right? Yeah.

Fun with pedophiles. I love the cover, by the way. I love the cover. It's so nice. Flowers and balls. He and occupy the best of eight positive reviews to look at that. Yeah. So, folks, go get that book because it is fucking hilarious because I remember when a lot of I laugh.

That's the only stuff I've ever done that I go back and I laugh my balls off of my own stuff. I hate my comedy. I hate it. I can my balls off at my own stuff. I hate my comedy. I can't listen to an old album, a new album. Fun with pedophiles. I read and I fucking laugh like someone else wrote it. Well, that was those baiting days. Is that site still up? Baiting.org.

Is it still up? Yeah, it's archived. It's not active, but you can read all their shit. So good stuff. So much good stuff. Wicked funny. There's a guy called Don'tEvenReply.com that fucks with Craigslist people, but he only updates it like every fucking three months.

You come back from Europe and you're like, oh, Don'tEvenReply. Do you have it? Because he's so good. It's wicked funny. Wow. So, yeah, you guys are bored. Go to Don'tEvenRep reply.com and say do some more shit he's out of philly i think yeah do you uh do you remember when the jerky boys weren't

famous remember when it was like a tape that would go around tapes like uh they're making a documentary out of uh what'd you shut up little man yeah yeah red red bar is that what it is the red bar was that's what mo sislak is based on in The Simpsons is the tube bar. Tube bar tapes. Oh, right, right, right, right. And they based Moe Sislak on the tube bar tapes. Alcoholic. That was a famous tube bar.

Does this bar. And he'd go, ow, alcoholic. And then he'd finally catch on and he'd go, you motherfucker, cocksucker. I'll fuck it. I'll kill you. I'll find your mother. I'll fucking kill her. Yeah, the tube bar tapes. Yeah, that guy was hilarious.

That's what I was thinking of. Oh, Winnebago Man is a documentary based on those days, which is fantastic. Winnebago Man is based on this guy who was a Winnebago salesman. He would do these videos where he was doing a commercial. And then he would fuck up the take, and they played all the outtakes. When he would fuck up, he'd start squaring, you motherfucker, you motherless cunt.

He would just get crazy. It was awesome. But yeah, it's such a feel-good story in the end. You don't expect it to go well, and it was actually a documentary where at the end, you're like, oh, I fucking feel really good about myself. It was, because the guy was like he was a fucking horrible functional bathroom privacy i don't even what the fuck i'm reading i wonder what the fuck the real dialogue is what the fuck is this thing all of the windshield for fuck's sake oh fuck god what the fuck did i say that didn't sound for shit did it

trying to give these guys everything they can get to me that sounds like a perfectionist what the fuck i'm saying it's just getting mad at himself we suppose we open gotta do it again right now i feel like those guys that were like, oh, we knew this when they were a garage band. Oh, fuck. Fuck. At least he's just trying to do a good time and he keeps fucking up.

Shit. Tony, do me a favor. Will you please? Will you do me a kindness? Leave. Yeah. I think I'm going to be walking in and out if you're going to fuck up

and I got to come back. I don't make any difference to me at this juncture. Thank you very much. I appreciate that, Tony. Don't slam the fucking door no more you remember that so this guy got famous because of this video that went around back in the day when people just passed off tapes to yeah big giant vhs tapes you gotta check this out i remember those very well pooping on a dude yeah i would uh i had a friend from austin who used to give me these fucking mix

tapes that he would make he would i just got rid of them recently because i had already seen the images a hundred times but his videos would be all the weirdest shit that he ever found and he would splice them together it was like an art form for him. I used to do that all the time. If you Google search red band Java lamps, I have a few of them like that, where I just put like, it was right when the internet videos were becoming big, like the crazy shit,

like a woman found inside of an alligator type shit. And it was just spliced, and I put it with trippy music. Wow, it's been a while that that used to be, the internet was just like a human internet. Like you'd have to hand someone the videotape. Like that's how it goes. I mean, it could transfer that in that idea as a virus or as an organism could transfer all over the place from person to person and even be like duplicated, even though it gets really fucking grainy when it gets like third and fourth generation. But that's what you had to do. That's how you got things out.

You know, you, you, You saw Barnyard Betty, right? Did you ever see Barnyard Betty when you were a kid? No. No? Really? I might have seen it, but it wasn't titled. Captain Rowdy was the guy that turned me... When I was a young comic, there was a guy named Captain Rowdy. I remember that guy's name.

Yeah, he was a... Did he wear leather jackets and shit on stage? He wore chaps and mohawk. There's a lot of wear like leather jackets and shit leather chaps and yeah mohawk and there's a lot of dudes like that who had like a fucking a whole thing but they and he had a huge following in the southwest not including california uh but love arizona love it love it texas and wow take me on the road and what was he like he's he's still he like? He would be in my death pool if he had a Wikipedia page. He doesn't have a Wikipedia page? He's going to die.

He calls me every couple months. He's fucked. It's a long story. I want to do a documentary about all the 80s comics that thought they had it made. We were making five grand a week. You didn't even have to have jokes and they but they banked their light and you you know some of the relics of that yeah and do a the do you ever see the documentary beyond the mat beyond the mat what is it about wrestling and it has it like

jake the snake roberts and he's all fucking playing some armory in carney nebraska and smoking crack and whoa and then old guys that are still trying to do it their knees are falling apart like fucking but they're still in it and then guys trying out for it like so it's a whole balance of this whole wrestling scene like new guy old guy and how it fucks i would love to do a documentary like that about comedy. The guys that thought they fucking had a ride. There's a bunch of guys that... Vic Dunlop was like a guy that

when I thought of this idea Captain Rowdy is such a fucking magnificent story. But do you think those guys, I mean some of them are still working right? So they're just out there just hustling. But there's guys that made it too. To get a perspective of the guy that is fucking dying and lost his legs to diabetes and just did coke down to where he's playing fucking biloxi mississippi mr saturday night you know those guys

right right right that would just be a beautiful fucking documentary to watch it could be interesting they're just guys who just rode it to the wheels fell off and there's guys that are still doing triple gigs in their 60s yeah but they're happy with it there's some some are happy yeah yeah when i was living in boston there was a lot of guys people won't accept when people are happy with things that they've built some kind of fake value system on well if you don't well you're not there so you can't be happy no i'm actually fucking wicked happy living in a small town with yeah yeah i didn't move there to fucking make it big stupid doug do you remember when we first met uh i came i forgot brian's here and i'm like who's talking

i came to ohio university and it was like I'm like, who's talking? I came to Ohio University, and it was like I recorded you, and it was... That's still on YouTube. Yeah. It was a... I walked like 600 people. They fucking...

They billed me as... I still... And it was that tour, if not that night, is the last time I can remember doing a show sober. And I remember, like, Ed Helms was on the fucking bill. Kristen Flanagan. Finnegan.

Yeah. Finnegan. Finnegan. Yeah. Somehow I fucking. That was the last time you did a show sober. Last I can remember. It was,

it was parents doing shows sober. I'm not, I don't find myself amusing fucking sober. It was parents teacher weekend though. They build it as like a family friendly show and they were but it was parents weekend parents weekend

family friendly is listed in the program and there's not a lot of fucking on campus options for entertainment. It's not a town. It's a fucking campus with your parents

and under fucking fun for all the family is the Comedy Central presents tour with Doug fucking everyone else that they found fine. Yeah. fucking fun for all the family is the comedy central presents to her with doug fucking everyone else that they found fine yeah and then i like your kid's gonna get fucked here yeah i mean something like people in the video like people are like yelling like you get off stage you know i mean this is if you like this you're like some angry dad right beside where he's filming

yeah are you finding this wow i know it's on you how did you get out we're watching it right now Like some angry dad right beside where he's filming. Are you finding this? Wow. I know it's on YouTube. How did you get out of here? We're watching it right now. Right here. This is a whole set? No, it's just pieces of your set,

and then it goes to the part where the guys start yelling. People are like, there you go. Dude, this audio is way too bad. Then the guy starts screaming out, though. You can hear that. Yeah, it's just... Okay, sorry. He's talking about butt fucking. Fred Norris would never have these kind of delays.

Just saying. Yeah, he wouldn't. Nope. But that's the charm part of the charm is the fact this fucking glitches in the matrix here comes right here Are you barely to understand what you're saying unfortunately, I know I wish he could if he could cue it up to the gut Here we go. He's full of shit. Anyone crazy enough to listen to that motherfucker is full of shit.

That's what he's. But the whole time there's just people standing up and just like filing out because this was like the first. I think this was like the first first weekend with all the new students. It was a third of the crowd in a theater. Yeah. It was so weird. Wow. That's an uncomfortable feeling.

Oh, yeah. People always get angry. I miss uncomfortable feelings. Do you? Do you? Yeah. We did those fucking music festivals knowing I was going to get fucking trashed. What music festivals? Leeds and Reading.

When did you do these? These recent? Like two, three years ago. Oh, what happened? It's just that there's no way I'm going to fuck... These are people that bought tickets for three days. Right. They didn't buy tickets to you or comedy.

Right. There's a tent. Right. And I'm not a guy that's... I'm not fucking Hedberg where I go, here's another joke. I'm a guy that, I'm like this. I'm a fucking two-hour podcast of me stuttering and looking for a cigarette. Yeah.

And then yelling about something when it strikes me. It's not going to work at a music festival. They were fucking just audibly booing me just because i'm boring to them well you've so got your own crowd now too i know but they know what you're doing and they want to see it and a person who doesn't know you right it's like you don't you don't even want to try to get them in there like you're not designed to work you know like when you're coming up your act is sort of designed to work on as many people as possible you try to sort of maximize it right now i now i'm defining them actually i'm turning down fans

at this point but then yeah it's a waiting list it's like a lambo field i can only have this many fans sorry stand on the porch like fight club for three days You must get a lot of weird motherfuckers to come visit you. You're so De Niro-ing all the fucking time. I don't know what's going on. I'm still fucking high as shit. Indeed. When I first moved to LA, Doug was the first person that I was friends with, I think. Well, you, obviously, Joe.

But Doug would call me up and just be like, hey, man, I'm bored. You want to go make some videos? We'd talk shit about you. The only stuff you can say behind your back is you're very angry. What? I didn't talk shit. No. No, I'm saying it's always fun to talk shit behind Joe's back.

Oh. Well, we used to make these videos. So I'm saying I probably talked a lot of shit about Joe to you. Oh. So I'm saying I probably talked a lot of shit about Joe to you. Oh. Well, we used to make these videos because he got mad at Verizon DSL because he had DSL at the time. And so we were like, hey, let's go to the thrift store.

So we'd go to the thrift store and we'd buy like terrorist outfits. Oh, I remember that. We made these videos. We made these videos. And I sent them to all the Verizon corporate office numbers. It was like two days after that guy had been beheaded. Brutal beheading. I was even afraid to put these up.

I remember being like, all right, you could get too much shit. Yeah, dude, this is dangerous. You got Arab writing. What does that writing mean? Yeah, no, but this was the day after everyone was like... Oh, it's not really Arabic? Praise be, Donna! This message is for the infidels and Verizon DSL!

This is embarrassing. You told me my service would be turned on in three days! And it's been a week and a half! And by the way, that's Doug on both sides. I call you Billy people, you Billy people send me to your technical people. He's dressed like a ninja. He's got a burqa on for some reason. You got a burqa on.

You're a man. That was thrift store Muslim, baby. Back before the Muslims wore tags off their burqas. Hey, why don't we just play the fucking man show? Yeah, what are you doing, Brian? Hit him in the head with a pan. Go ahead. All right.

The second video is where he hits me in the head. Okay, let's not. Let's stop. Let's stop right here. But yeah, it's rising terrorists. Let's stop the whole podcast. I think we've done enough. This podcast has been like fucking, what has it been?

Like two and a half hours long? Two hours, 20 minutes. Oh, shit. So at some point, you're right. What? At some point, we're right? right well the first 20 minutes i'm like we've been here for like four hours no no it's only six o'clock we're still good we're still good yeah now i have cocktails since you're good you want to keep going good for the show you want

to keep going another like 15 20 minutes oh i'll fucking talk as long as people sound like we're putting in work on the fucking job i know you want to dig another 20 minutes and then call it a night? Yeah. People fucking, you can turn it off at whatever point. Yes. That's a good piece of advice. You don't want to see me get hit in the head with a fucking. No, I'm good, dude.

It goes on too long. It's not like the fucking Brea Improv where they're paying for parking. You're fucking listening to a podcast. You're taking a shit right now. It goes a little too long. If it goes too long, just make it fucking three parts. You're the director, asshole.

It was one minute long. Make it a three part by hitting the pause button. It was one minute long. You quit the cigarettes for a little bit, right? Yeah, for a year. Got fat, started smoking again, stayed fat. Now I cough while I'm fat. So you did it as sort of a dietary measure to just... No, no, I quit for a year, like 2008,

and then went to Costa Rica and buck 25 a pack at the bar. And you can smoke everywhere. You can smoke at bars. And you just figured, fuck it, just for this vacation. Been going out, yeah, just for this week. And, yeah. So I've been trying to quit since 2008.

Oh, wow. That sucks. That must feel weird, man. That's got to be a very weird thing, like connected to something. It's not easy to escape, right? The worst part is every time he smokes, I want to light one up immediately. I just see it, and I'm like, all right, I got to light one up. I told you I quit coffee recently, but it's only been like eight days.

I can't even say I quit coffee. I'm just seeing what it's like to just not drink coffee for a long time. This is the third time this has happened. But when you said fried clams in a conversation before. Right. I just fixated on fried clams. And I made my face make the motions like I'm listening. But I was thinking.

And then you said something about fucking burritos. You're hungry. No. This is the third time. When you say coffee, I'm like fucking Bailey's coffee. And then I'm looking around and I distract myself. So what you're saying is that I got a good voice for advertising.

Just every now and then you mention a fucking thing. I'm just saying when I look like I'm being fake, I am. Because you're thinking about whatever delicious item. I'm thinking like why is Robert De Niro saying I should have a Bailey's coffee? Oh, Douglas. Why do you think? I never think Robert De Niro with you, Joe. I don't think anything like Robert De Niro.

I think more of a Julio Galatius guy or whatever that guy's name is. For all the girls I've loved before. Again, I have, like, yep. Traveled in and out of my door. I have fucking high eyes where this is, like. I'm glad you came along. I dedicate this song to all the girls I've loved before. You need a mole.

At one point, I thought I was getting my elbow in the pool because the ashtray is right here. And at one point, I'm like, and I pulled away like I was going to get my elbow. Dude, you smoked all those cigarettes during the time we did this podcast? How many is that? Fuck yeah. Was that like 10? He gave me a whole pack. How many is that?

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, pack four five six seven eight nine nine cigarettes you're crazy it seems like somebody a goddamn chain smoker david tells two packs yeah david tells worse times two yeah but he goes to the doctor so he knows he's he has emphysema like i like i don't know nothing i don't know anything how many you swung in a day uh not not as many a pack yeah pack now probably there's nothing that replaces that huh you ever try cigars i could quit i just fucking have to take time i've quit before cigars would make you a classy douchebag cigars unless you're ron white like ron white has this, Ron White has this whole fucking circular exemption from everything. I completely agree. Every picture, he has a drink in his hands.

He's under a cloud of that. You don't know why Ralphie May got the amnesty, but Ron White earned it. And he has this whole. Ralphie May is a lovable guy. Right. Yeah. But Ron White with his cigar. Ron White has earned the whole yep 100 did

i tell you what he's buying jokes from you know he has a lot of writers right and uh andy he has a good bought a couple of andy andrews bits really and i when i saw him in austin i go yeah you're buying like my buddies you get a couple of his bits. And he said, without any shame whatsoever, Ron White says, yeah, we buy a lot of really funny bits from really funny comics. And then what we do is take the teeth out of them so they're not funny anymore. And then my audience applauds. He's just like, yeah, I'm fucking buying material. I'm fucking selling fucking snake oil to fucking suckers because i know this ain't gonna last so what does he he waters his act down is that what he's doing he's just backing off he plays to that audience and he

he's fuck he'll tow his fucking rolls royce off the back of his tour bus. He's like a Vanilla Ice jokingly. He's like flashing all this because he knows it's pointless. Oh, so you mean like Vanilla Ice, like flashy, like he drives Rolls Royces. Like rappers. I'm sorry. This is the second time in fucking three days where i try to find a fucking rapper rap reference reference and i so let's go with ll cool let's go with bird man i said he's known for his love of automobiles and he's very wealthy how about bird man can we go

bird man okay it's a rat you fucking listen to i don't fucking garbage well what i was listening to that's why reality tv works because everyone wants to think they could do it, too. And that's why rap music works, because, yeah, you could do it, too. I like some rappers, man. I like Nas. Do you know who Nas is? No. Really like that guy.

I love old, busy Smalls. I think he was in a playoff. I can listen to Notorious B.I.G. all day. I love that old shit. That old boy. I love his rap style. I think it's rhythmic. That old boy. I love his rap style. I think it's rhythmic. It's fun.

It's fun for me. Yeah. But you don't like music. I understand. I understand. But you don't like music. But I can look at fucking Zeppelin on the wall and go, I'm fascinated that someone could learn to do that.

Not someone sat on a fucking bus with a notebook. Yeah, but I don't know. Bitching about their fucking shit. I would take this for almost everybody except Notorious B.I.G. He didn't just make shit rhyme. He made shit rhyme with a flow and a rhythm to it that was fun.

It was fun to listen to. I never... That guy's an artist. He was a fucking artist. And what he did was very difficult to do. It very difficult to duplicate there's a bunch of guys that are a rap artist listen i am like cypress reaching from the most uneducated i'm just saying things with confidence i know nothing about music it doesn't interest me i'm like the last guy and that's why i always say i hate music is because i'm such a comedy snob that i know if

someone said oh who do you like jeff dunham and peanut and i immediately hate you because you said that like i have a bias against you and i know that i'm that much of a pedestrian when it comes to music so if i go yeah i fucking love the counting crows like now i have to fucking there's no apology which is an apology when you say i'm not even apologizing for like in matchbox 20 like whatever what is the the i mean for most people like music is sort of a source of pleasure it's like a you know it's fun to listen to it's motivating what is it about it that do you think it's just it interferes with the noise in your head i always i found it summed up succinctly in a book that i will now misquote and ruin but uh the fucking guy

the drunkard guy he was a drunkard in england there's a i always want to say allister but it's not allister mcallister fucking I can't remember his name he summed up how pop music ruined the pub culture in England because when they introduced the juke box that played over the conversation that you were there to have you go to the fucking bar to talk and now someone introduced music where either you want to listen to the music or you want to have the conversation but how and that's why I've always hated music it's where either you want to listen to the music or you want to have the conversation. But and that's why I've always hated music. It's something that I want to enjoy.

Like if I'm really high and I have 400 songs from my life that I can remember that I like. They're on an iPod. If I need music, I go to it like people go to comedy clubs once a year. I hear you do you find that did you used to like music it's something that you just grow older music it's just but it's a part-time thing to me like most people comedy is a part-time thing to us that's life fucking listening and words and i fucking love music and i get inspired by it i love when i'm working out i love listening to it i love listening to when i'm driving you know i love listening to it sometimes when i'm just thinking about shit

it encapsulates a mood for me i just appreciate the art i don't know how to do it i don't know anything about music i can't sing i don't know how to play a fucking single instrument so my my interest of it is like purely as just a fan. Believe me, I wish my fucking likes were more normal. A lot of people want to be fucking weird and out there. I wish people liked the fucking my iPod. I wish I could play three songs on my iPod without someone saying, what the fuck is this?

It's the theme to Welcome Back, Cotter. That's why it's on my fucking iPod. It makes me happy. My iPod's that too. Yeah, I've got some stupid shit on my iPod too. The greatest American hero. Believe it or not, I'm walking on air. Wow.

Imagine trying to put that show on today. They'd be like, what the fuck is going on? That dude with the afro, that skinny dude with the afro is just beating everybody's ass. Wow. Imagine trying to put that show on today. They'd be like, what the fuck is going on? That dude with the afro. That skinny dude with the afro is just beating everybody's ass. Actually, that would work. That would work, actually. Did he ever beat anybody up on that show? Of course he did.

Where did he get his power from? Greatest American Hero. Where did he get his power from? I don't remember. I just remember him running into walls a lot. Fucking glory holes. A skinny 80s fucking blonde guy in tights he was my first uh celebrity sighting when i moved to los angeles really yeah at a glory hole no it was at a starbucks basically the same thing

i used to sell coke to him through a glory hole greatest american hero used to come in there the greatest american hero and he used to suck my dick. I swear to God, Joe Rubin. Who are they going to believe? Greatest American hero or Joey Diaz? Come on, dog. Who do you think you're dealing with? This is a fun dude. And you hit another one, man.

You're just a chain-smoking motherfucker. I know. In my fucking head, this is nighttime radio. It's cool that we can we can smoke in here i mean i don't smoke but i like the fact that you can smoke in here there's not a radio station in the world where you can actually smoke in the studio that's done man those are businesses man those are not places of art every time you go do you have like friends that do radio like dale dudley on radio it's like i've lived in arizona for six and a half years

never done tucson radio somehow they're like tucson's against entertainment really wow the shittiest fucking comedy club in the world that still exists since 1980 how far is tucson from you 90 minutes that's where i fly out of But it's 90 minutes with no fucking traffic lights. It's just desert. Right. And a border check. Jesus Christ. Border Patrol has a 50-mile radius.

How did this fucking town... You're like only a couple miles from Mexico. How did this town evolve? Because it's like a little... But it's sort of an art town. Yeah, well, the copper mine went bust in the 70s, so all the property values dropped and all the fucking hippies swarmed in really yeah they occupied bisbee because they were

selling property there's no no work how do you figure out how to get all together though that always freaks me out like how to gain neighborhood start how to you know how to how do people like everybody say listen there's fucking two of us we're living in this one building the building next door's got vacancy yeah same way burning man started right yeah hey this is cool you stopped doing your yearly thing didn't you yeah because too many people showed up i didn't know the whole point of our we had a fucking death valley party that we do every year just like all the people you meet on the road every year in atlanta and you know two people there they're fucking great but you're on the they're not your friends because right right so the whole idea was to bring all those people into death valley with no fucking

cell phone reception or tvs and it was this little motel uh and we did that for till to get to a point where seven years in, well, people that brought people last time brought people, and these people. So none of your friends are there, and all their friends. So it's like after a show, and you're just shaking. And it could be cops. And the cops were around, yeah. Yeah.

The fucking house would tilt as to when there was some plain clothes. Yeah, I would imagine that you and your crowd would be a perfect target for someone looking for... There's like seven cops in Death Valley, so the one guy comes in a polo shirt, and they're like, he's a cop. We're the only ones that don't know. We're tourists. That's hilarious.

You wear a polo shirt. Sir, can I have permission to wear a shirt with no collar? Permission denied! Officer, you don't have to. You're a polo shirt. Sir, can I have permission to wear a shirt with no collar? Permission denied. They're in the same... Officer, you don't have to. You're a bad undercover officer if you need a t-shirt to convince a fucking perp.

Come on, boy. Get out there. Put them in pink underwear. There's your boy, right? Sheriff Arpaio? He's the guy in Arizona. He's a... He's an amazing guy. He's on my... Death? Sheriff Arpaio. He's the guy in Arizona. He's an amazing guy.

He's on my... Death list? Yeah. Nice. I had to pick one comic, so I went with Ralphie May. I knew it was going to be a fat black guy. Went with Ralphie May. He had a pulmonary...

Listen how close I've been on my death pool. Ralphie May's not a black comedian anymore. Really? Southern? It's more and more Southern. Is he doing Fargo now? He just switched it up a little bit. Ralphie's just getting out of the hospital.

Yeah, he had a pulmonary embolism. And there's part of me going, he's so many points on my death pool. Oh, I'm doing good. And I'm like, oh, it's my friend. But if he lives or dies it's not uh it's not my control i had to pick one comic and i had a who did you just mention that was on my death pool oh joe arpaio that's my wish list so i had a i had one pick there was a wish list which was nancy grace nancy, now Joe Arpaio.

All these weird border guys, man. That's a weird way to live. When you're living as the law enforcement in a place that's known to have people sneaking in from a third world country, that's where things get crafty. Things get real tricky when you're dealing with that sort of a situation. You've got a bunch of people sneaking into your state all the time. I mean, it's probably a reason why he's more fucked up than anybody else. But he's in Phoenix. No, he's a fucking egomaniac.

Oh, he's nuts, for sure. But I mean, that attitude is acceptable somehow or another more down there. You know what I'm saying? Like right next to the chaos. But it's easy to make an us and them situation out of that sure but people really want to stop that nonsense I mean they want to stop Mexico from coming into Arizona

and one of the reasons why Arizona is so like Republican and so you know so right wing is because they're right next to fucking Mexico you know I think that's the same way Texas is you know and the same way Southern California San Diego is really conservative too you actually on a much smaller level,

they fucking hate Canadians at the border too. Do they really? Because they don't tip. Oh. It's one of the fucking, like tipping is one of the most important things. Yeah. You know, I fucking work the UK all the time and they're assholes. Yeah.

Can I get ketchup like normally this comes with ketchup where i'm from and i don't want to put you out but can you get and they they're fucking cunts because they because they don't work for tips yeah yeah working for tips is big it's a good system it's good and it's good to be real generous tommy lee jones you just started getting some tommy lee jones with the new lighting really that's my new look? Tommy Lee Jones. Well, at least you're going with good people, you know? You haven't gone for the gay guy from...

No, the horrible old Tommy Lee Jones. Oh, the old Tommy Lee Jones. That's sad. You made me sad, bro. You ended this podcast on a downer note. Are we done? No, we're not done. I gotta pee, so I'm trying to think of when to end this. Just go pee.

Who's on your show tonight? Christine Levine. Christine Levine. Wicked funny. Yeah? Cool. Yeah. Should be the new Roseanne.

Really? No one will notice. Really? Awesome. Can't wait to check that out. Talk to Brian for a minute. I'm gonna pee and then we'll wrap this bitch up. Let's talk behind his back.

All right. Let's do it like how we used to do it. doug he really doesn't like women though i know he hates that when you say you hate women that's what it used to be right like he he was really concerned about like people were like you're a woman hater and drove him crazy like when people said that to him or something like that remember that yeah yeah no he was uh i don't know if he still is like that but yeah he's so mellow now i've seen him fucking just dress down a chick for no reason she's some dumb chick but that's what comics thrive on yeah stupid we're not you we need a dumb chick stop yelling at her for being dumb she's dumb she's here because she's dumb my favorite my favorite part though earlier was when you when you called Joey Diaz on that change jar.

And he was like, what's a change jar? And I'm like thinking, how do you not know what a change jar is? I swear it was Joey Diaz. He fucking stole my change jar. Because everyone would come in and out. But only Joey was denying that he was doing drugs. So anytime someone's denying what they're known for, defensively, yeah.

When's your next break? No one ever stole from you going, I'm coked out of my brain, and then just stole your shit. Right. No, I'm trying to work it out. I'm trying to work it out. Just borrow your VCR. My girlfriend really is addicted to Flashdance.

I can't believe they remade that movie. Now, are you taking a break soon? Because I know you do stand-up for six months that you're on the road or something like that, and then you take breaks. Yeah, I always say I'm quitting. I don't know. Who knows?

I have UK dates booked. After that, I'm not booking shit. You got in trouble last time you were overseas, right? Like, I remember seeing there was some, like you said. There's always something. It's so easy to fucking stir up fake fucking. The newspapers are so bored. They have like 19 newspapers on an island.

Right. Didn't some guy get in trouble, though? Or like some DJ? Oh, a DJ. It was censored or something because he just mentioned a YouTube clip of mine. That's ridiculous. Yeah.

What happened? I was doing the BBC and some fucking poor bastard afternoon, like BBC snotty radio. They treat their radio like fucking Winston Churchill still fucking talking on it and this guy is like i did a perfectly straight into yeah we're performing here for however long and blah blah blah

and he goes uh but you're very controversial and i go yeah well there's not none of that i can do so he just mentions if you don't believe it's not for everybody if you don't believe it see his youtube clip about Sarah Palin and you'll know not to it's not so people actually went there it's about it's just a dumb retard baby it's a really funny bit how's it go I don't know it's fucking railing on Sarah Palin having a retard baby, and how she didn't use it in the debates. I don't know. I went back because the fucking guy was almost fired from BBC

for mentioning that YouTube clip. He was being insensitive to fucking retards or whatever they call them over there. Wasn't your bit something like she had uh what was it she had two sons and they were both retarded how did it go yeah one was at down syndrome and the other was elected to go to iraq or something like that i don't i never watched a fucking clip till it came up when he said it and I watched the clip and I go fuck that was a funny bit

I used to put so much more effort into comedy when you write do you just think of ideas and remember them or do you take notes at all because you're constantly coming up with new shit I have on my hand

my fucking attention span and my memory is such shit now you write them on my hand, like my fucking attention span and my memory is such shit now. You write them on your hand? I'll write it on my hand until I get to a notebook. Wow. Because I don't carry a fucking notebook. If you have one of those Droid phones, you can actually talk to it. Yeah, I knew you were going to do this.

You can talk to it. And then your bits will be in Google's offices. I'm in first class. Sky net. I'm in first class and I pull out my old fucking dog-eared notebook to take notes and I go to first class.

Does anyone have a pen? I don't have a pen. I wanted to work on my set on the way here. No one had a pen. Everyone had a fucking... I'll text you it, bro. Yeah, no, I'll just type it in here.

Yeah, there's not a lot of drawing anymore. I wonder what the fuck's going to happen to cursive. Is that no, I'll just type it in here. Yeah, there's not a lot of drawing anymore. I wonder what the fuck's going to happen to cursive. Is that going to go? It's going to go away. I could not write in cursive right now. Yeah, it's going to go.

Writing itself, when I have to write anything, like when I have to send something and fill out an actual piece of paper, I'm like, wow, this is an alien thing. Making little marks. Yeah. I hope you recognize my mark.

My fucking accountant, Harvey Altman, mentioned him like fucking seven hours ago. Yeah, can you just take that out of my account or something? You're my accountant. Why do I have to write a check? He's one of the fucking guys I have to sit and write a check to, which is so foreign.

He doesn't want the ability to just take money out of your account. He might go wacky. That's why you need Bitcoins, bro. You got to be careful, bro. Bitcoins, bro. That's the internet currency, right? Well, that leads us to our next episode about fear factor 2 that's right coming up on bankruptcy what do you think about this whole bitcoin thing about the idea of uh i mean what is the the concept of it is it's a monetary form of currency it's on the internet

right yeah and people agree to it how does it work what's it backed by i have no idea i don't care it's stupid stupid yeah but it's kind of interesting not far not even an hour um it's interesting because um an hour yeah no yeah it's pretty close um because um uh the the bitcoins is like the first attempt i've ever heard of anybody coming up with some sort of a currency. Even if it's like really minor league. I mean, remember what Napster was like when it first came out? That was pretty minor league.

And look what Napster became all these years later. Look, you're getting songs instantly on your phone. That Shazam thing where it's hooked up. It tells you what the song is. You play it. You press Shazam. There's music playing. You press Shazam.

It records the song real quick for like 15 seconds. Sends it sends it back to you tells you what the song is then gives you an option to buy it it's all right there on your fucking phone i mean that's that's insane i mean that there's never been anything even remotely like that before you know yeah i i can text yeah he's like joey's like Joey Diaz from two years ago. But I'm not angry about it. Once you find yourself railing against what's new is when you're old. That's when you're your fucking grandparents. All right.

I don't have the fucking... I don't need it. If I have a need to do all that thing with a fucking cell phone, I don't... I have no... My life is really easy. I've had a really good life, and I have no problems.

I don't need to fucking... I live in a place I don't need to map quest anything. It's over there. I almost wish I wanted more. Really? That that's interesting so what do you get your kicks out of that was kind of the whole point of the dmt trip which is unexplainable with you was about you know desire and desire it's almost an anti-buddhist thing but yeah i don't i wish i wish i wanted more fucking louis ck said oh yeah i think he's a something i read about myself after the louis ck that was awesome by the way doug that was

really weird to watch because i know you but it was also i thought you did amazing in it all right my favorite episode i almost felt like i paused to shill for applause and gave it to me. No. Fuck, now I don't remember my point. You're Louis C.K. We're talking about having joy, taking joy. You wish you had more joy in what you do. Yeah, no, I fucking, yes.

I lost the point completely. What do you get your kick out of? Do you get your kick out of performing? Do you get a kick out of killing still? Do you still enjoy a fun set? No. No? Wow. Well, no, I'm always relieved that I didn't have a shitty set at best.

Is this psychological? I don't know. Everything's psychological. Right, but I'm saying is this like something that's changed in life and just the way you view things? Yeah, but I can't pinpoint it because i'm a logical person like i can really i don't have to go to a fucking guy to talk like i try to find right that's why i'm not listening to your boring fucking bar conversation because in my head yeah i'm boiling something down to a point right in

your head you're you're working in the background i can't find where i became kind of miserable i know it's somewhere around the breakup with my wife but not connected like i was kind of like in a manic phase anyway well it's also could be the fact that you're drinking a lot of alcohol on a regular basis you know and that just really is going to depress you and a certain extent it's not eliminated from the fucking list of suspects. I'm really kind of tweaking about this coffee thing. It's very shocking to me how much different I feel from not doing coffee for eight days. I really didn't think it was going to be that big of a deal. But the big deal is that I'm not tired anymore.

I used to get tired in the day. Like somewhere in the day I'd get tired, late afternoon or something, and then I'd just have to force myself to go to the gym so I'd have another cup of coffee and then I'd fire up and I'd go work out. But I was tired when I got there. I'm not tired anymore. Like, the whole day, it's like I'm even. And I was like, oh, this is what you're supposed to be like.

You're supposed to be even. You're not supposed to be just fucking spiking every, you know, fucking hour and a half with some dark liquid that fires up your fucking adrenal glands like what is ray I'm about to phone it in come on baby you're not phoning in Doug Doug I love let me get you on fucking kale shakes watch this point I love bingo the death but do you think maybe it's something to do with relationship wise because you say you don't have sex anymore I mean do

you want do you need to do the doctor, the Dr. Drew show? What the fuck's going on here? What's this, Love Line here, Brian? This has been since I've been a fucking adult in any relationship the more you just say the more you like them as a person the less I want to fuck them. Yeah, but you think that's maybe your overall whole entire. I like how Joey Diaz said it. I'm slinging good dick. I'm slinging good dick. I don't know, man. I think you might be hanging out. If you say it with confidence, it doesn't mean you're selling it.

Maybe you're hanging out with the wrong crowd. Maybe you're not hanging out with a positive crowd. You need to move to LA. You might not have to move back there. You need to start a podcast there. I miss comics so fucking badly. Come back. Come hang with us.

You can live here. You can live here. We can be here all the time. Listen, all you have to do is come back here, and we can do this. We can fuck around like this all the time, and we do shows that's 85 foot. No, you don't. You don't have to live here We can be here all the time Listen all you have to do Is come back here And we can do this We can fuck around like this All the time And we do shows

85 foot No you don't You don't have to live here You can live in fucking Crestline man You can live in the goddamn mountains You can live in Pasadena There's a town There's a town

Crestline in the mountains Lake Arrowhead up in the mountains You don't have to live here You can live There's a lot of spots outside Yeah no No I like small town You can find small towns

in California. I like knowing everyone's name at Safeway. I hear you. Hey. You love it, then that's good.

But you could also have dual residency. You should have got that small. You can go dual residency, bro. You don't have a... Do you have a dog? Two.

Bring him. Fuck it. Fuck no. Dual residency. That's wrong to a dog. What kind of dog do you have? Speaking of dogs, the fucking Tucson, please help me fucking sell this Rial dog. What kind of dog do you have? Speaking of dogs, the fucking Tucson.

Please help me fucking sell this Rialto. Humane Society. When is it? The Rialto, December 10th. December 10th, ladies and gentlemen. Get on it. Where can they buy these tickets? It's Walsh, Brody Stevens.

Brendan Walsh, Brody Stevens. That's a fucking one-two punch. Oh, Jesus, folks. We got music in the mix. Who else? Neil Hamburger. Oh, come on, son. Never seen his act

heard good things who else uh garrett stab as a local and of course a beautiful fantastic guest set from miss lynn shawcroft shazam there you go so that's a fucking hell of a show ladies and gentlemen hell of a show december 10th get on that shit and they can buy tickets where i don't know somewhere you can find it out you're not stupid just google it december 10 interested but then i couldn't tucson arizona the rialto theater doug benson and posse and crew you're having fun dude look you need to surround yourself with more positive people this is it's hurting me hanging out with you here hearing you all bummed out i'm not really bummed out i'm just really fucking new at being... I haven't gotten high in a fucking year.

Is that what it is? You're being Debbie Downer a little bit. I'm always... I say that. Well, I mean, you're not having sex to me. I'm so fucking hyper aware of everything other than... It's not... Tripping is never good for fucking entertainment.

No, it is. It is. I was just... I tried a small fucking portion it's still good it's still good it was fun there was a fun it's a fun conversation it's cool people enjoy these conversations they get to see you you know who you really are man they get to see all of us who we really are in all sorts of different situations with tripping sober more feedback about the first one where i go that had to be boring to everyone. It was just me talking to you about old days and shit.

It was fun. People enjoyed it. But people loved it. Yeah, you got to be positive. I think you have a tendency to go negative. It's like a tendency in your thinking to go negative. Unfortunately, it fucking sets little triggers in your brain and it sort of defines your outlook on things when you do that.

And you can fuck yourself into a bad state of mind. We can forgive Fear Factor, too. But if you start going motivational speaker. I'm going Tony Robbins, bro. I'm going to get one of those Bobby Brown headsets. And I'm going to go out there and I'm going to show other people. Negative vibes. And you know what?

Negative vibes create negative atoms in your DNA. You make negative children. You don't want that. Your spin resonance is all off, man. You need a different crystal on your neck. B, excited. B, B, excited. B.

We could go off forever about motivational speakers, but the last thing I want to talk to you about is comedy classes. I thought this was really funny. Kyle Cease, I've talked to him on the phone. Again, it's like Dane Cook. I talked well Kyle Cease I've talked to on the phone like is again it's like Dane Cook like you yeah it was I talked to Kyle Cease I go it was it was funny it created good internet buzz yeah it's a dumb thing I'm always hype I don't have to be high to be hyper aware

of how pointless comedy is and the fucking scam that we get away with doing this for a living when it should be free you say that and i agree in a certain way but another way i don't agree because i was always happy to pay for it and i i enjoy it still as an art form i think it's the most fun form of entertainment i think that you we've been in it for so long you know i think for some of us we might have forgotten how much we appreciated it in the beginning you know forgotten think for some of us we might have forgotten how much we appreciated it in the beginning you know for God always the same thing I've always forgotten it was always you're always hating it for the beginning no not from the beginning but just one ten years I knew the Hollywood blowjob was a all

right Alice II yeah I don't want to do anything more it's like headberg's joke about oh you're a comic can you write or can you act and he says it's like saying oh you're a you're a you're a you're a cook can you farm yeah yeah i remember thank you for letting me fucking embarrass Mitch Hedberg's fucking grave. You got through it, though. You still got a good punchline out of it. Because there was a pause. But you know what? This show is going to be fucked.

You didn't do a lot of us. I've only had three drinks, by the way, in fucking three hours. So I am not fucking amped. Dude, everything's great. No worries. No, I'm worried about Brea. Oh, it's not fucked. You're fine.

I can't wait. 21 years of comedy. Do you know how many times I've played the Brea improv? Never. Really? So if it goes poorly, I'm not worried about my career. Dude, it's a great comedy club. Oh, no, I'm sure.

You're going to love it. Yeah, I'm just. Brea's one of the favorites. I love Brea. If you go in with that attitude of it doesn't fucking matter, you're usually funnier. Yeah, I know. I'm just... Bray is one of the favorites. I love Bray. If you go in with that attitude of, it doesn't fucking matter, you're usually funnier. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

I'm looking forward to your show tonight, man. No pressure. No pressure. I'm just going to sit and be creepy in the back. And if you're doing something I don't like, I'm just going to shake my head. You'll hear his laugh. I'm going to put myself in a really obvious position.

Last night, I go, yeah, Rogan said he's coming, but there's no way he's coming. Why did you say that? Because it's fucking Irvine. Oh, last night uh i go yeah rogan said he's coming but he's no way he's coming why did you say that and because it's fucking irvine that traffic yeah no fucking way well we already worked it out that i was coming tonight yeah well no you said i'm gonna come to both and i know you're not gonna come to both who would did i say that it's high it's probably high it's ridiculous why would i come to both why would you why would i that would be even creepier if I had to sit and watch the same show twice. Dan goes, Rogan's a man of his word.

I go, no, he's saying it flippantly. There's no fucking comedy. Love you, Dan. There's no one joke, no dead fucking Patrice O'Neal wrapped up in a Greg Giraldo with a Freddy Soto on top. There's no comedy worth driving to Irvine from LA. That's not true. I would totally go.

I was going to go see you if you didn't do the podcast and you were only doing Irvine. I would have gone to see you there for sure. Because Brea, to me, is almost as far as Irvine. Yeah, but you have a convoy right now. If you drive to fucking Irvine, they make traffic move, and there's a convoy with flags on town cars. Oh, that was...

I wish. That would be awesome. Could just have magic. I go, hey, I'll do your podcast. I think we can con my record company into getting a driver. And Rogan goes, ah, now I have my own service. I'll have them pick you up at 1 30 good for you is that odd no but the fact that you have a bell that you ring out on your porch to to summon

the person that's yeah no no that's like affluence but no you're not someone i feel uncomfortable around like you and ron white were the two guys that, all right, no matter how, you're still you. Yeah. You don't feel like you're. Who's changed? Who have you ever met that got some money? You know, for a lot of people, you know what it is, man? They get something and then they don't want to lose it.

And then they get scared and then they clam up. And then they stop doing anything controversial. Guys I know. Like Attell, I've never. No one gets close to Attell. Like he's just. Well, he's. You know what? As I know, like Attell, I've never, no one gets close to Attell. Like he's just. Well, he's, you know what?

I don't like to ever, you know, judge anybody or look at them all in categories. I just tell you who I love. And I love Attell. Attell, I would say, is the fucking pound for pound, as they say in your industry. The best. The best of our generation. I don't know if I can agree with that. Because, you know, quite honestly, I shift back and forth on a bunch of different guys i go back and forth but i stopped trying to put him in

order but headburns was my all-time guide but like pound for joke for joke no one has more fucking jokes and personality than to tell yeah five jokes in a well i will never you know argue with you on that i just think he's amazing. But I don't put them all in an order. I've decided somewhere along the line just to appreciate him. There's a little trap for me at least. There's a Hunter S. Thompson part of it where you go, would you want to be that miserable of a fucking person?

To be that good? To be that funny. He's more miserable than you by how much? Oh, yeah. No, he's really like I he makes me like I go just let's go to Costa Rica together. Let's just go on vacation. Well, I got this pilot. It's not it's no good.

And I'm fighting. He had a DVD like for three years. He's been editing, but he hates every word of it. You're like, that's so right more so good jokes in a conversation while I'm wrong then I write in a fucking notebook in a year well he would he is is a real fucking professional it's a Bukowski thing you want to be that fucking miserable of a person to put out that good art me I'd rather fucking phone it in, faggot.

I honestly don't think it's an either or. I think you could just enjoy the whole process. Hang on. I love it, dude. Hey, faggot that's about to email and say, this thing went on too long. We have two minutes. Pause, and then, yeah, part four is right now. We've got to end it because we're running out of space on iTunes.

Yeah, I want fried clams. Listen, you dirty bitches. You know we love you. Send our love. Send our space on the iTunes. Yeah, I want fried clams. Listen, you dirty bitches. You know we love you. Send our love. Send our love throughout the world. Send our love to The Fleshlight for sponsoring this podcast. Go to joerogan.net. Click on the link for The Fleshlight and enter in the code name Rogan

and you get 15% off and you will use the same masturbation device that me and Brian do. It's yummy. I like it. I'd have used it too, but last time I did your fucking podcast, you kind of flashed it around like it was swag, and you didn't give it to me. I forgot.

That's all just a space move. I apologize greatly. I still have your fucking Nike sneakers I stole from you on the man show. Sweet. I'll have the fleshlights send them to you. How about that? 212 Van Dyke Street. Don't do it.

Why? I already did it once. Don't do it on this one. You guys send shit, but address it to Bingo. Just send whatever weird shit. She loves it. She loves nothing but mail. We live in a town where mail still means something.

Go fuck yourself. For me and Joe Rogan. Thank you to Onnit. And Red Band. And Joey Diaz. Onnit. And Red Band. And Joey Diaz. Onnit.com. O-N-N-I-T.com. Check out the Alpha Brain Balance Nootropic Supplement.

Check out New Mood, the 5-HTP, an L-Tryptophan Supplement, and Shroom Tech, the Cordyceps Mushroom Energy Supplement, which is fantastic for working out. Check out all that shit. Go to JoeRogan.net. Click on that link. Enter in the code. Rogan. Get yourself 10% off of that too.

Alright. Thank you, Doug Stanhope. It was a beautiful experience. As always, can't wait for your show tonight. Thank you, Brian Redband. Thank you all you fucking freaks. We got Shane Smith from Vice.com next week. We're going to talk to this motherfucker about the craziest shit on Earth. He's just getting back.

Yeah, guys. He's one of my fucking heroes, too. That guy's getting back from Japan right now. He's checking out the reactors. Okay. He just got back from India. We hadn't seen a toilet in a month. Yeah.

He's a savage. The number one guy of why doesn't everyone know this fucking guy. Yeah, exactly. Well, I think that's going to change soon. He's 60 minutes of jackass fucking everything. He's awesome. He's awesome. And he's going to be here next Tuesday, you fucking freaks.

All right. We love you. Take care. Bye-bye, everybody. Big kiss. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Thank you.