The Joe Rogan Experience - #1633 - Ali Macofsky

Episode Date: April 13, 2021

Ali Macofsky is a standup comedian and host of the Resting Bitch podcast.

the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day and hello ali hi joe what's going on kid how you living i can call you kid for five more years do i really get it that long yeah you get to 30 because i'm 53 i'm an old man i think i can call you kid for five more years. Do I really get it that long? Yeah, you get it to 30 because I'm 53. I'm an old man. I can call you kid into your late 30s. Yeah, because you'll always be older than me. Yes, always. You'll always be a kid.

I think kids should stop when I'm off my parent's insurance in September. Then you'll call me an adult and I'll break my arm and I'll be like, Joe, can you help? I remember when I was a kid, I would um when I was a kid I would hear when I was a kid when I was in my 20s I would hear men that were in their late 30s and 40s calling their significant other their girlfriend and I was like that's a 39 year old woman that's not a girl well now everyone's doing the partner thing I used to talk shit about it because I would have like straight friends who are like this is my my partner. And I'm like, it's your boyfriend. But now I kind of like it because girlfriend, boyfriend, it sounds so corny.

I actually got booed up, Joe. You got booed up? Yeah, I'm booed up. What does that mean? I got a boyfriend. Oh, you got a boyfriend. That's what booed up means? Yeah, you're booed up.

Oh, where'd you meet this fella? Tinder. Really? Yeah, I was trying to get an STD because I haven't had one yet. And I found him and he's got nothing for me. He's clean as a whistle. Damn. I know.

Were you hoping to get one of them curable ones or one of the ones you keep forever? If there's a pill for it, I'm like, give it. Give it. Like the clap? Yeah, I'm on my insurance until September. I'm like, fuck it. Let's try it out. Yeah, the way you're trying to get COVID, I'm trying to get like chlamydia or something. I like chlamydia. It's try it out. Let's ride. Yeah, the way you're trying to get COVID, I'm trying to get like chlamydia or something. I like chlamydia.

It's hard to spell. It's a weird one because I feel like you don't know you have it and then you give it to people and then everyone's mad at you. It's the COVID of venereal diseases. You don't know you have it. I just found out that I had COVID here. Yeah, we found out just an hour ago or 20 minutes ago. What's really crazy is that you didn't have any idea.

I had no idea. I mean there was sick a little I was sick because I thought that I just had like a cold and I felt like really lethargic but I'm a pretty lethargic person in general so I'm like is this normal lethargy or like for real and so I was like laying in bed you know taking like Tylenol or whatever and just kind of like trying to ride it out but I was going to a place this is what I think is so flawed is because COVID was so we found out so immediately it was like people were just coming out with testing centers that weren't fully um prepared and so I was going to this place in LA getting tested regularly and I was getting

negatives every time. And then an article came out that that specific testing center had a lot of false negatives. So I thought I didn't have it, but there was part of me that was like, this could be it, but I tested negative. Why did that particular testing center have a lot of false negatives? Because the guy who created, it's called Curative false negatives because the guy who create it's called curative core um and the guy who started it i guess was like a tech dude in sf and when covet hit he's like here's a money opportunity for me i'll just get a bunch of tests make them happen quickly and so he did that and he made it happen but there were a lot of false negatives reported. Huh. Yeah. I wonder what he used. I don't know.

Like for testing. That's, hmm. Yeah. That's bad. It is bad. That's because you get false confidence. Totally. And that's the thing is I was like trying to,

obviously when I got sick, I'm like there's a chance that it could be COVID, so I'm not going to like be raging or anything when I'm not feeling good and so I just laid low but that would be such a fear for me is like going over to see my parents because there's this weird thing where like young people my age and like boomers my parents age they both kind of don't give a fuck about COVID some of them my parents care but they're like my sister oh she doesn't want me talking about it my sister didn't have covid but

hypothetically if she did around christmas time she's gonna be so mad fuck don't say it she didn't have covid but if she did my mom was like my mom was like if you test positive before covid just wear a mask over to my house wow yeah your mom's risky she's a little risky gal. That's where I get it from. She's a risky lady. Crazy ladies in the McCoskey home. Yeah, that's the big fear. I heard about this one kid who was 21 who was out partying, wasn't paying any attention at all, and almost killed his dad. Wow. He got it and barely knew he had it, and his dad got it real bad. His dad was in the hospital.

It was just horrific. They were just so worried that the kid was going to kill his dad barely knew he had it. And his dad got it real bad. And his dad was in the hospital. It was just horrific. And, you know, they were just so worried that the kid was going to kill his dad. And he didn't. The dad did. Not that he was going to kill his dad. COVID did. But, I mean, if you're living with your parents and you're just out there getting buck wild and you're 21 years old. When so many people were moving back in with their parents during this time because they're not making money.

You know, I was thinking about it. I stayed with my mom the first two months. And was like should i just live with her but i'd you know i i can't do that but i want to still love her i want to love her yeah i don't want to like wake up with my hand around her neck and i'll be like how did i get here you know like a blackout rage especially if you take ambient i don't take Ambien. Good for you. That stuff. I watch reality shows. Do a lot of that on Ambien? Like one guy, I think this was an Ambien thing. It might have been a sleepwalking thing. I'm pretty sure it was an Ambien thing.

I think he drove to someone's house and murdered them and then came home and didn't know he did it. God, I'm trying to remember the specifics of the story. Because Kevin James, my friend Kevin from King and Queen. Of course I know Kevin. Hilarious comedian. He used to take the Ambien, and he had some experiences. One of them where he cooked dinner and didn't realize it, and he literally thought someone broke into his house and cooked.

He's like, dude, I hire a private chef. You just forget, like big chunks. Okay, here it is. What was he saying here? A forensic psychologist and two psychiatrists were involved in the two cases discussed. So what are the cases? At least three cases, a person with no apparent motive and no history of violence brutally murdered a spouse or close friend in the wee hours

after taking more than the recommended dose of Zolpidem. I'm pretty sure it's the same thing. Is that the same as Ambien? I typed in Ambien murders and this is what I got led to. Zolpidem, along with other psychotropic medications. Yeah, that's the thing with a lot of that stuff is if you combine them together, like maybe you could combine it together and you'd have no problem, but maybe if Jamie combined it together, he'd have a wildly different reaction and start murking people.

Jamie, let's test it out tonight. Go to 6th Street, walk around town, pop a couple amps. So tell me about this fella. Oh my gosh. How'd you meet? You met him on Tinder? I met him on Tinder. Well, it's funny because last time I was on your podcast, I was talking about how I like

a lanky, skinny boy who needs me to snuggle for body heat you know that's my kind like a breakable boy and i found him he's he's a breakable boy six three small guy how much does he weigh has a lot of shitty tattoos we have that in common i don't know how much he weighs i was gonna say 130 but that would be way off he's like 170, so he's a fairly sturdy fella. He's sturdy enough. You're probably not going to break him. Yeah, I'm working on it. How long have you guys been together?

Five months, which is like five years in alley time. In alley time, that's a lifetime. Yeah. When he's popping the ring. I don't want to get married. Oh, ever? I don't know know maybe at some point but i'm like a i'm a slow and steady type of gal i want to focus on myself i don't want to like get

distracted by like you know like weddings and like dresses you know what's fucked up what's fucked up okay so here's the thing i didn't know so my mom allocated like a certain amount of money for me and my two sisters for when we get married, like, you know, X amount of dollars for a wedding dress, you know. And last year, I think like 2020 when I did my 2019 taxes or 2020 taxes or something, I didn't realize with comedy you're supposed to be,'ve always been like a w-2 employee I've worked at food food restaurants like whatever you haven't been paying your taxes no I have been I'm very diligent I'm diligent but I didn't realize that like with comedy it's all like 1099s you're like a private contractor of whatever club you're at and so I wasn't saving a portion of my comedy checks yeah you weren't paying your taxes. That's what I'm saying. Well, this was the first year that I had 1099s. And so I didn't realize that I was supposed to be putting money away for taxes.

So my mom's like, do you want to get married or do you want to pay your taxes? And so I was like, help me pay my taxes. And I learned my lesson the hard way. I was freaking out. There was a bunch of guys in Boston that were like big time headliners that got paid in cash. And then. What a dream. Yeah. And they like to do coke. Sure. And they were partying. Sure. And they didn't pay their taxes for like a decade and they all got hit. And once the IRS hit one of them, then they realized all these other guys are doing the same thing. And so Boston had like these really big local headliners.

It's a very rare place where they would have headliners that were local guys that could sell out every weekend in a row. Yeah. It was crazy. And people would come to see the same act over and over and over again. It was a very unusual place. Yeah. But these guys were going hard for more than a decade, two decades even. And a lot of them got popped and they owed

hundreds of thousands of dollars, hundreds of thousands in back taxes. And then you just saddled down by this debt, thinking about all those times you just blew it on golf clubs and cars. Oh yeah, you rethink everything you've ever done. You're like, why did I get coffee ever? I can run on water. I don't need to go to starbucks how much did you wind up on i think i owed maybe around 8 000 which might seem like pennies it's a lot it's a lot that's real money when you're like collecting unemployment for covid and you're like can i use unemployment to pay my time you know like it was scary and I did not want to like owe interest on it so luckily my mom helped a lot and I'm like so grateful for that because it also like taught

me now I save a third every time I make money I'm like put that shit away. I can't believe you didn't know that's that's kind of crazy. I know well no one like tells you no one tells you when you get into I just didn't know anything like you never i personally was so naive when i got into stand-up i never thought about like all of the outside things that are involved in stand-up you know so i feel like i'm still learning the other outside things i feel like now with i don't know just like like booking my own flights to get to shows or like promoting my own shows and ticket sales and um i don't know just all these like weird things that come up along the way like when i came to texas i'm like

am i supposed to rent a car do i fly to each place like where do i i don't know i just you didn't know about all that because you were going with other people before before yeah i'd go with santino on the road tony and so i just had to show up beyond time, bring a suitcase, have some underwear to change into. You know, that's pretty much all I had to do. And now I'm the dude trying to figure out all the plans. Right. And now you're headlining. Yeah.

And so you also have to deal with shitty middle acts. Yeah. Ooh. Yeah. Have you done Florida yet? I love Florida. I have not done like an official headlining spot there. I love Florida too.

They have the worst acts ever to open for you. It's almost like they do it on purpose. 100%. My buddy Shaw lives out there. Worst dude I've ever seen. I love him. Don't say that online. He's not.

He's not. I'm giving him a hard time. He's great. I love him. There's something about Florida road acts though where you're just like jesus like you can't listen you have to you have to hide that's the thing about like being in a major city like la or new york is you can be shitty in la or new york you know there's plenty of people who suck at comedy in big places you know yeah but you're surrounded by people who are also very good so you either grow out of that

and like keep working and growing over time or you know you don't get to see that as often and you kind of stay stuck yeah well i think miami has a community now i was there a few years back and they were telling me that there's like a pretty decent community in miami i know schultz is in miami now and he's been doing a lot of gigs. I think it's just cities need a scene, you know. If they don't have a scene. Austin has a very nice scene. Yeah.

You know, like even though Cap City went under, there's still plenty. There's like a couple of new local clubs. There's this Sunset Strip Club. There's the Romo Room. There's Vulcan Gas Company. the Paramount is still doing shows. I just saw Mark Norman last night. He was there this weekend, yeah. Yeah, I went to his show.

It was so funny. Oh, he was there last night too? Yeah, I think they added a show, so I went. Shit. Oh, it was so fun. Eddie Pepitone was just here. He was at the Creek in the Cave. Yeah, that's the new one, right?

Yeah. How many is that seat? It seats like 90 or something? I don't know. It's pretty intimate because right now they just have the outdoor space. I think they're working on the indoor space. Oh, they have an outdoor space. Oh, so it was an outdoor show.

It was an outdoor show. The scene here is good. When we've done Kill Tony here, the local opening acts are very funny. There's a good amount of real good talent in the city. Yeah. So it's cool. Yeah, I'm going to go tonight to kill Tony. Nice.

I'm excited. And the music scene here is fucking incredible. There's so many good bands here. So many good musicians and artists. It's a good scene. It's a good scene. Do you think you're in a honeymoon phase right now? No, I've been coming here since the 90s.

I've always loved Austin. I'm happy. COVID gave me a nice excuse. It's just the lower population density is nice. Because it's so big. It's so spread out. Well, it's just the numbers of people here is so minor in comparison to L.A. You know, it's not even close.

And it is spread out, but it's just people are more chilled here. And there's no, the Hollywood influence, like there's an artistic influence here as opposed to like a I want to be famous influence. Yeah, but at the same time, I feel like maybe with all the big comedians like yourself coming out here, it is kind of bringing.

We're going to ruin it. Yeah. Say it, we're going to ruin it ruin it yeah say it we're gonna ruin it not you're getting you're not gonna ruin it but there will be a time when people will think that this is a shortcut oh a shortcut there's no shortcuts in comedy exactly but you can't think that way you're the well first of all you know comedy is one of the true meritocracies because if if you don't do well if the people don't laugh, it stops. There's a few people that are exceptions to that rule.

That have figured out a way to carve their way deep into the pores like some sort of a strange parasite. Yeah. But for the most part. For the most part. Yeah. Everyone's coming out here. Not everyone. Some people.

Some people went to Nashville. Yeah. I've never been. See Byrne. They went to Nashville. Yeah. I've never been. See Bird. They went to Nashville. Nashville's great. And, you know, they got that Zany's Club, which is one of the best clubs in the country. It's a great place to work out of.

Yeah. There's so many places I haven't been. You've never been to Nashville? Never been to Nashville. Bitch, I gotta take you to Nashville. Take me to Nashville. When are you doing a show out there? Well, I had a show booked with Chappelle.

Oh, how have those been? Fun. Real fun. I have so much FOMO. Yeah, so I love that. Watching everyone's stories out here. I'm just in bed eating Hot Cheetos. Hot Cheetos are fucking surprisingly good.

Have you tried Takis? No. Oh, it's like I was like a loyal Hot Cheetos gal. Hot Cheetos were the best, and then I tried Takis, and I was like- What is a Taki? How do you spell it? T-A-K-I apostrophe S. Oh. like a loyal hot cheetos gal hot cheetos are the best and then i tried talkies and i was like how do you spell it t-a-k-i apostrophe s and they have all these there's like a blue one that's psycho i haven't tried that but it's almost like a frito like a like a corn chip but it's rolled up it's a little roll and then they have hot dust all over it hot dust i don't know what the ingredient

is for that, but it gets my butthole going every time. I love it. You need to wake up. You're just like throwing some talkies. Get set. Yeah, they have ridiculous Tex-Mex out here. There's a lot of that.

Yeah. It's a weird combination of Mexican food and whatever they're doing to it. They call it Tex-Mex. Yeah, Texican Mexican. A lot of queso. Queso, for whatever reason, I don't understand this, never caught on outside of Texas.

Do you think it's because it's just not good enough? It's like one of those things where it's really good. I know. Queso is amazing. It's delicious. Queso with chips? Yeah, I don't know why more people don't do it. I don't know.

But I don't think it's a real cheese. Is there a difference between queso with chips yeah i don't know why more people don't do it i don't know it's like a but i don't think it's a real cheese is there a difference between queso and nachos yeah yeah you fucking communist jesus christ what is it queso is a dip nachos is the stuff is on the outside it's mostly cheese and sour cream and jalapenos and meat okay it's a totally different thing queso is like a bowl of like, it's like a liquid cheese. I don't think it's real cheese. I think it's like a Velveeta type deal. For sure.

It's probably super bad for you. It's just the cheese. Yes, it's just the cheese. But sometimes it has meat in it. Sometimes it has... Like peppers? Yeah, minced peppers. Soda nachos though.

No, but it's a bowl. It's a bowl you dip into. So you would get... With queso and chips, you get like a bowl of chips. I've had it. I'm just like... I'm like, how is this not... This is just chips and cheese, though.

I've had this everywhere. So white. I'm so white. I'm Ohio. What do you think, Joe? If you just Google... Let's find out what are the ingredients of queso. Because I don't think it's cheese.

I think it's like a Velveeta deal. Sometimes you'll have bad queso and you're like, did you just heat up half and half? What is this? There's a place out here that I need to go to that everybody talks about. It's called Matt's El Rancho. It's supposed to be the shit. Have you been? And I've had their chili con queso.

Is it the shit? Very good. But I was like, this is just cheese and beef? Yeah. Are you? That's Chili con queso. Is it the share? Very good, but I was like, this is just cheese and beef? Yeah. Are you? That's chili con queso. It's like beef and the cheese. Queso is cheese in Mexican.

Or in Spanish. Ingredients of queso brings up chili con queso. That's why I said it. Mexican cheese did. Yeah, they do use some- Chili pepper, tomatoes. Velveeta. Yeah, Velveeta, I think, is the main deal.

And cream cheese. Oh, I love cream cheese. Cream cheese is pretty goddamn good. I wish bagels were good for you. I know. I wish they were. It's like I got hit with a tranquilizer dart when I ate a bagel. You're out after that.

Every Christmas my dad does like a Jewish platter spread. So he'll make bagels, whitefish, cod, lox, and we just get this whole spread. And then I'm just like sitting on the couch and my christmas pjs that are all matching with my siblings just gassing it up and then you're like opening presents and you're like what is it a gift card to applebee's great just what i wanted right now that's what you usually got no i got some good stuff did you yeah because i used to be such a brat it's so it's like embarrassing you used to be a brat i'm still kind of a brat i'm i'm growing out of it really yeah how come i don't see that side of you ever because that's just my family i feel like when you're with your family it's like

the child in you comes out yeah you revert do you ever feel like that well where'd you grow up i grew up in long beach when you go back to long beach do you feel like whatever weird oh it's weird you still have i still drive by my first boyfriend's house. Oh, do you? Sometimes. Do you honk your horn? Fuck you. Well, it's embarrassing because he lives in a cul-de-sac, so if he were to ever see me,

he'd know that I was only there to stop by his place. I thought you were going to say he lives in a cult. You got to cult. I don't know what he's up to now. He might be. What is this? Yeah, that's weird. Yeah.

Does he know what kind of car you drive? Not anymore. When I first got a car, I had a Jeep Grand Cherokee, and now I've upgraded to a What is this? Yeah, that's weird. Yeah. Does he know what kind of car you drive? Not anymore. When I first got a car, I had a Jeep Grand Cherokee, and now I've upgraded to a Kia Sportage 2018 used. Woo! Yeah, I don't want to flex too much on this podcast, but. When I used to go back to high school, like to where I went to high school with, I felt like a fucking tremendous loser, like always.

Just being around it brought back the exact feelings that I felt like when I was in high school. I sat in the bathroom at lunch in high school and it wasn't like, it was this weird thing where I just felt different than everyone. Like I wasn't bullied really. I mean, I'm sure I had like the moments of like, everyone hates me. They said this, but I wasn't like bullied in any way. But I just was like, I was friends with everyone, but I didn't feel like I had a place. You know, I think a lot of people feel that way. Yeah. I think more people feel that way than feel like they have a place.

It's just this transitionary period when you're in a teenager where everything feels off. Well, and it's like in high school, everyone kind of has their groups. Like there's, you know, the jocks and the pretty girls and the athletes, whatever. And I just never felt like I really fit into a group. And so I would just sit alone in the bathroom. And I don't know, it's so weird looking back and then how miserable I was in high school. I was like so depressed. Yeah, my friends from high school all went to the other school on the other side of town. They went to Newton North. I went to

Newton South. But my friends from that are that I'm still friends with this day didn't even go to high school with me. They were on the other side. They were on the other side of town. How'd you guys meet? Parties? Yeah. Just being around the same town. You knowton small it's a small suburb of la named after named after wayne yes okay named after yeah i love that dude do you i love like vegas i remember the first time i heard that i'm like who is this girl that sings this song my sister did the same thing she said guess, guess who sings this? And I was like, obviously a young lady with a beautiful voice that came from angels. And she was like, it's a dude who now looks like a lady. Well, he has similar characteristics to older ladies in that he's working his face up.

I think I read something, though, that he has. Jamie, you know what I'm about to say. Pull it up, baby. There's something I think that he has. Jamie, you know what I'm about to say. Pull it up, baby. There's something I think that he has. Like a disease? Something. I don't want to badmouth my hero. He's quite elderly.

Yeah, but I think he had, I don't know. Maybe I read it on some fake. Do you know Robert Redford is almost 90? He's alive? Yes. Wow, good for him. Good for him. Good for him.

Yeah, he's almost 90. I saw alive? Yes. Wow. Good for him. Good for him. Good for him. Yeah, he's almost 90. I saw something on something. They were like, Robert Redford. He used to be a babe from what I've heard. Oh, yeah. It was a handsome fella. All the ladies used to pull their skirts up from their ankles when they saw him. Back in the day?

Back in the day. They're like, I'll show you my ankles, Robbie. They pulled their clogs off. This is pretty good. It's not, right? Yeah. I'm a little nervous. My first CBD trip. It doesn't do anything to you. vehicles robbie they pulled their clogs off this is pretty good it's not right yeah i'm like a little nervous my first cbd trip it doesn't do anything to you but then why do people do that's

the thing well cbd is good for inflammation and it helps some people with if you have anxiety it helps people sleep it helps but it helps with joint pain and inflammation okay yeah i'll that's a this is a mild dose these these kill cliffs have have 25 milligrams of CBD, which is not, you know, fairly mild. Yeah. I like a couple hundred at a time. But like on some days- Do you ever shotgun them? Look at it.

I mean a couple hundred milligrams at a time. I get most of my CBD from actual supplements. What is that? Show me that again, Jamie. It's just young Wayne. I can't find anything. Wow. Oh, maybe I made that up.

See the picture of him in the middle? Yeah, the middle top one. See, that's not. But I thought I read that there was something. I don't know. Well, he clearly has had a little bit of plastic surgery, but that's the problem is that you just that shit doesn't make you look good. It just makes you look

different. I'm going to get jacked up on that. On plastic surgery? What do you think you're going to do? Get a cat face? Well I got small little baby white girl lips. And you want to get them plumped? When I smile my lip just plays hide and seek with me. It's like where'd she go? You ever use the filter on Snapchat? Oh it's dangerous.

Makes them giant. The duck face filter? Yeah. There's a filter that makes your lips fat and shiny. And then it makes your cheeks all juicy. Oh, does it? Oh, yeah. Pumps the cheeks up.

Do you wish you had better lips? Maybe you wouldn't be as funny if you were hotter. I know. I know. I know. It's hard. It's a hard balance. You don't want to be some, you know, garbage troll. Mm-hmm. balance you don't want to be some you know garbage troll

but you don't want to be too sexy I had a guy tell me after a show he said I don't get why you dress down on stage and I'm like what do you want me to do wear a bikini on stage do you want to throw money at me I'll take getting thrown money at but I think men just try to find a way to criticize a girl to put her on her heels, so that you get a little defensive. And so you're not, you know, you feel uncomfortable. So he probably feels uncomfortable, so he wants you to feel uncomfortable. So he says something like that. Like, why don't you dress nicer?

And you're like, oh, why don't I dress nicer? So then you get defensive. I don't give a fuck about what people say about how I dress. I don't look at you. I mean, I probably do. I'm like crying at night. Why do you say I look like that So then you get defensive. I don't give a fuck about what people say about how I dress. Well, look at you. I mean, I probably do. I'm like crying at night. Why do you say I look like that? But you know what it is?

It's like inside, that's probably the little psychological game he's playing. He probably doesn't feel comfortable with the fact that he's insecure around you. So, plus he sees you vaping. You look kind of cool. Blow it out. Show everybody. What's up, Post post malone give a fuck about lung damage yeah i uh yeah it's so interesting because it's like i get i would i get objectified

looking like you know whatever he thinks i look like a troll on stage you know like so if i'm trying to do it up and show off my body and like look really sexy on stage which just that doesn't feel comfortable to me. I like wearing baggy pants. I like wearing baggy shirts. Like I just feel good when I just look like that. And so if I'm already getting objectified, how are you getting objectified?

Just like DMS and comments and stuff. Is that objectified or just being hit on? Cause if it's a guy, are you being objectified? If girls send you DMS, are you being objectified? I send you dms you're being objectified i don't know about the ins and outs that's just the word the problem that objectified is a weird thing because it's like this pejorative that always gets used and i'm not always sure if

it's the accurate thing to say because for sure men do objectify women sometimes like some men look at a woman like i just want to stick it in a hole well that's what my messages are for sure i want to stick it in your hole oh yeah so yeah's what my messages are for sure. I want to stick it in your hole. Oh, yeah. So, yeah. Oh, yeah. I would love to show you my messages. I'm sure some guys do that to like any girl they run into.

Yeah. Right. Don't you think though that's like really dumb magic tricks? Like, let me see if I can trick you. You know, like it's, you're going to have like really sophisticated con artists like Bernie Madoff and then you're going to have really bad magicians, right, that are doing obvious tricks. And it's like good comedy versus bad comedy. It's like a terrible movie versus a fucking amazing movie.

Yeah. It's like everything else. There's levels to it. And what you're getting in those DMs is just the hit version, like hit on you version of like a really shitty song or a really shitty story that someone wrote that's what you're in yeah yeah i just i feel comfortable the way i look on stage okay we'll get back to your shoe you just whatever you want to wear yeah that's fine yeah don't worry don't think about it just be you okay fuck that dude fuck that dude no he's a he's a nice guy he was drunk maybe he's not he's a nice guy he just wants to stick in your hole he does he told me that was revealed later

on in the conversation it's it's gotta be weird being a girl it is weird it's kind of it's fun though you know when girls go lesbian i go i get it i get it i've tried i go through seasons of lesbianism every once in a while i'm like maybe. I go through seasons of lesbianism. Every once in a while, I'm like, maybe. Seasons? I go through seasons, yeah. Like baseball season? I'm like, oh, it's fall. It's fall.

I need a woman around. Yeah? Yeah, but I don't know. There's like a disconnect. I get really weird and intimate situations. I'm like, am I gay or do I just like get uncomfortable around everyone? Also, when I was growing up up everyone would call me a lesbian and so growing up i was like i'm a lesbian everyone already knows this they've told me

i'm a lesbian my sisters they're like seven and five years older than me how did they say it they well okay so i had really hairy legs growing up because my dad's like russian and you know all that so i just have like thick dark leg hair that came in early and so my sisters are like oh you know back then everyone calls everything like gay and stuff and they were like growing up and back then you're fucking 12 years old you're talking about a couple i was i was like i was in like third grade so i was like six or seven okay and um you just didn't shave your legs no because i was in the third well i did shave their legs i started in third grade because everyone called my sisters called me a lesbian and stuff so you had to shave your legs yeah

because i was like they were making it sound like it was a bad thing to be a lesbian yeah my sisters are gonna fucking hate this they're good people but they were like you know back then they weren't back then they've grown yeah so they would just give you a hard time yeah they were just being big sisters giving me a hard time and so then i like took it very personally and seriously the leg hair thing is very strange if you just stop and think about it like guys don't have to do jack shit about their leg hair and no one cares no one gives a fuck but girls and no one talks about guys this is how you know i'm about to say some real shit guys always talk crap about girls not being uh kept up down there and shaved or whatever these guys get my age are into they want mr clean down in the pants you know and like they want your

bush trimmed yeah they want it they want bald. They want a bald eagle. Okay. But then they have the nastiest balls, and girls are like, oh, it'd be an honor to give you a blow job. That shit's disgusting. It's different hair than your regular hair. It's thick. I didn't even know that balls change texture in different weather.

What? Yeah, like the skin. Changes texture. Kind of. It looks like an alien. Jamie knows what I'm talking about. what yeah like like like the skin changes texture kind of it's like it just like it it looks like an alien it's so jamie knows what i'm talking about jamie's giving me a little change texture and different weather jamie jamie stay on my side that guy we saw with thomas aguras had a little different texture but oh yeah that was rough unique situation you got with the giant balls i haven't seen this just some sad thing but the guys have some guy like elephant titus yeah he had it's a it's a not common but common enough where there's

multiple examples of it where guys have enormous like beach ball size testicles and they can barely get around oh yeah it's a shame that there's no you know like um like when girls have giant tits it's like hell yes there needs to be like a movement for men who have giant balls yeah like instagram photos of their balls on the beach like nice you don't understand how big these are like massive yeah you can't walk what does he wear skirts yeah he has to wear like a skirt yeah they have to cover he has to cover his balls with like a tarp. And while he was eating, his balls were out. And on YouTube, apparently, because it's not sexy at all, you're allowed to show that guy's balls.

Well, they probably don't even register as balls for YouTube. Whoever has to scan the videos is like, who's to say what this is? Well, it's like a medical condition more than it is balls. Whereas if Jamie had his balls out of his pants... He does. Have you looked over there? My friend Tom, when we were kids, used to do this thing called sack walking. You put him up above the belt? No. He would open his

zipper, pull his sack out, and tuck his... His cock would still be in his pants, but his balls would be out. It called sack walking. He would just walk around and at a party, he'd have a drink, his balls were out, he called sack walking. You know. A little tougher with that. That's that that's that

guy's oh wow see weird texture well when you see the actual texture you can see the actual texture because in the youtube video they actually show the sack they'll allow you to see what's going on there you go yeah see look at that yum you're allowed to look at it yeah it looks like a peach pit and this poor bastard actually has a one inch dick too which is just is it actually one inches or in like

that's what he says it's one inch he just says he has a one inch penis so mother nature just gave him the shittiest deck of cards ever

yeah here's your hand good luck your hand of cards oh yeah yeah you got a one do you ever watch my 600 pound life i've watched a little bit of it do you yeah why because i relate in some ways in what way just like 600 pounds just in the like compulsion and the feeling that food gives me like i i went

to um cracker barrel for the first time congratulations have you been of course i have it was so good and they brought out this plate of biscuits and gravy and i was like blushing like i was like smirking and giddy and like so excited you were blushing i was blushing okay and i just yeah when i have a plate in of me, there's no part of my brain that goes, you've had enough. You don't need to finish all of this. Of course, you've got the baggy clothes too, so don't worry about it. Exactly.

I can walk out unscathed. Be wheeled out soon. But yeah, I love those shows. Why do you like those shows? Do you feel like maybe you're okay because they're more fucked up than you no it's like a it's like a hand guide of what to do in 15 years i'm like okay so get a partner who will wash under my boob crevice oh okay they always have very loyal partners you have to have which is gonna be 600 fucking pounds yeah but there's got to be some weird

codependency shit oh 100 there was one story about this i think it was a lady who had melted into the couch like the fibers of her body had intertwined with the couch because she hadn't gotten off the couch in so long and i don't know how she shit and pissed but it probably wasn't nice I know at the beginning of COVID I was like I'm more worried about getting bed sores than COVID I'm just lounging is that we did yeah when I was at my mom's house I went I was trying I thought that I was hoping that it would be done sooner so I was like I'll just pretend I'm at Coachella I was like tanning in the backyard listening to EDM music going crazy and then once I realized that it was going to be longer I was like I got to get out of this lady's house yeah a lot of people thought it was going to be a two

week deal like they said remember we're just gonna close everything down for two weeks meanwhile California a year later yeah I mean if we, if the U.S. was smaller, like a place like New Zealand, that could have, you know, been helpful, but we're just too big. Well, it's not just that it's smaller. New Zealand's completely isolated. New Zealand has very strict immigration policies. They're pretty, and the way they handle COVID, I mean, is super successful. There's only four plus million people in the whole island. It's a fucking great place. I know.

I want to go so bad. It's a good spot to escape. It's a good spot to run to. When's the last time you've been? Never. Never been to New Zealand. Do a tour out there. Bring me.

Oh, do it. Bring me. Oh, fucking do it. Oh, fucking do it. I've done Australia. I love Australia. But Australia is much different. You know, Australia is...

New Zealand, there's a lot of New Zealand that's just like rich and green and lush. Have you seen Hunt for the Wilder People? No. Oh my... It's one of Taika Waititi's movies. Do you know the dude? He's now doing like The Avengers or Marvel or something. No, I don't know who that is.

He's great. I love him. But he has this movie called Hunt for the Wilder People. And when it came out, I was working at Arclight, the movie theater at the time. And so I saw it in theaters like five times. But it all takes place in New Zealand. Oh, I love this movie so much. So this is fiction?

It's fiction, yeah. That kid on the right is so funny. How have I not heard of this? It's such a beautiful and funny movie. Have you heard of it, Jamie? No, but I believe kid on the right is so funny. How have I not heard of this? It's such a beautiful and funny movie. Have you heard of it, Jamie? No, but I believe he's the one who jumped on your side of the Apple keyboard debate a couple months ago. Oh, because I said that Apple keyboards suck?

Yeah, he did Jojo Rabbit, I think. Yeah, he did Jojo Rabbit. Who, the writer? He's a writer. The writer did. And he did what they do in the shadows? They have the worst fucking keyboards of all time. The new one's terrible.

Why do you think so? I have that 2015 MacBook, the same one that you have there. It's vastly superior to type on. I'm not getting rid of it. How is it? 256 gigabyte hard drive? I can't really use it, but I can type on it really fast. You can get them upgraded. There's a company that upgrades them.

That's what I did. I bought one. I bought it like a year ago. From 2016 and they put a new processor in it. They put a new solid state hard drive in it and it has the 2015 keyboard. I don't know why these dummies just keep making

these things that are shit to type on and then they appeal to creative people. Everything is about design. They want the sleekest thinnest but meanwhile lenovo has figured it out they have their thinkpad x1 carbon they have this really light and they have a new one that's even smaller it's like the nano or something like that but a great fucking keyboard and it weighs nothing and it's this tiny thin little thing and it's super easy to type on and the each key is

curved so your fingers like fit in it much easier and where apple wants flat keyboards it's like it makes you so much less accurate it's just a shit experience to type on i got a i got a macbook for christmas this past year. I cried. I was so happy. And then I opened the camera to do like, you know, Zooms and stuff. And the camera quality on my college MacBook from 2013 is so much better than the new MacBooks. What? Yeah, it looks blurry. It looks like I'm in an ISIS hostage video.

It has nothing to do with the cleanliness. What? Yeah. Did you take the sticker off? Yeah, everything looks blurry. It looks like I'm in an ISIS hostage video. It has nothing to do with the cleanliness. What? Yeah. Did you take the sticker off? Yeah. Everything's off. It's not me, I swear. I think you got a dud, because that's one thing they're really good at.

The camera quality is excellent. My camera quality is awful. It's a new one? It's a brand new one. It's probably broken. Right? My brand? Yeah, it sounds crazy.

What's his new name? Tim. What's his name? Tim Cook? Tim Apple. Tim Apple. That's what Trump called him. Tim Apple? Oh, that guy. I've used mine for Zooms and shit.

You're doing Zoom comedy shows, Joe? No, to talk to people. Just to talk to people. You didn't do any of those, did you? Yeah, of course I did, Joe. We're at different levels, man. I got to stay alive. Just fucking go out in the street and just start talking to people. You'll be better off.

I know. Hey, let me tell you about my day. Hey, you want to hear about my pussy? They're like, we're trying to get coffee. I'm like, I got to perform. I got to tell these to someone. But it is weird that guys don't have to shave their legs, right? Where do you think that came from?

When did girls start shaving their legs? What year do you think? When did the deception begin? When did they decide? What do you think is happening? You think people are just trying to become more sleek and less alien? I'm pretty sure guys just want dolphins. Less animal, rather?

I think guys want dolphins, just soft little mammals. No, that's not what it is. They want something. I don't know. I think they want like a person. They want like smooth, soft skin without the hair for whatever reason. But men, it's okay to be hairy because it's okay for a guy to be a beast, right? But it's not okay for like women are supposed.

What is that? Like why the disparity? Misogyny? I don't but it's not okay for like women are supposed what is that like why the disparity misogyny i don't think it's that because misogyny that means hate that means doesn't yes misogyny means like you don't like women but maybe it's like a maybe you know how like gay dudes before they come out or when they come out there's like internalized homophobia that it's not like they hate gay people but because they grew up in a society where you know it's not as common or acceptable or whatever or your sisters bully you because you're they think you're a lesbian when you're like seven you know it's like not things that people think are

hateful but like just this subconscious like i'm a man i have hair that's what's strong women they're supposed to be soft and perfect and in the image of what I want them to be. It could just be like internalized. Yeah, but women love it too. It's very rare that women fight that. I think, well, I grew out my armpit hair for a little bit during COVID. Was that during the lesbian period? It was a lesbian, yeah.

You're allowed, right? Yeah. And I enjoyed it. But then I get self-conscious because I'm like, if dudes look at this, they're going to think I'm dirty or manly or something. Right, but a guy with armpit hair, no problem at all. No problem. And the deodorant gets all stuck on the armpit hair. Guys should start waxing.

Would you do it? No. It's weird that it's universal. See, why not why not what why wouldn't you wax because i don't want to okay why would i live 53 fucking years without waxing my armpits why start now who the fuck am i trying to impress i'm sure it does do you wax your armpits is that what you're saying i did it for the first time because normally i just shave and why'd you stop shaving them because i have a friend in arizona who waxes so i was like

i was growing them out i was like might as well you know and it hurt way worse than like getting a coochie wax really oh yeah so your armpit's more sensitive than your cooter yeah that's not good yeah i don't know what that was but it hurt quick research says this is a marketing from the early 1900s it didn't even happen really before that really yeah that's when they started shaving their leg they had liquid stockings they were calling it back in the like 1920s and 30s and 40s liquid stock well you know they did a lot of terrible shit to women back then that's when you remember that um the radioactive paint What is that called again?

Where girls were working on watches and all sorts of things that had radio something. And it would literally, they didn't know what the effects were of the stuff at the time. And it was literally rotting through people's faces. Radium, girls. Radium, that's right and they they had like holes it's horrific it is so sad because their job was to use this paint and and use it for clocks and like the early watches like some watches like the the hour you know indicators have lume on them yeah so in So in the daytime, it charges up.

And then at nighttime, they glow like that. I like those. Those are cool. But that's the original. It was radium. And these girls were working with this very closely to paint these watches. And they would lick the brush and dip it in there. So they're getting this stuff.

And their tongues would rot off. They would get holes in their faces. They couldn't figure out what was causing it it took a long time so the effects weren't happening right away because it's radiation poisoning so this stuff radium is radioactive which is why it glows in the dark yeah and then there's some stuff they use now the radium girls were factory workers who died of radiation poisoning painting witch objects with radioactive paint. Why is it

a question? What is watches? Yeah. So these poor ladies, if you see the girls with the go to, look at that one. She's got this giant fucking growth in the bottom of her face. If you go to radium girls

injuries or tumors, it's horrific. Scroll down. I'm sure they have some images of it. It's really sad, though, really sad. Because this had never happened before. And I think it was the 1920s. So is that like the job when the men were at war, women were making watches? Well, was that World War I?

When did World War I end? Yeah, 19, like somewhere around the 40s. I just listened to Smedley Butler's book yesterday, so he's talking about all this, like how right after the big war, the great war to end all wars, profits for a lot of these companies jumped, skyrocketed. Metal, leather like paint for watches smedley butler that i think he wrote that in the 30s war is just a racket i like that name

you should read that book it's terrifying because it just shows you that this guy who was a loyal marine and a soldier and who had you know been to war and had realized later in his life that he had risked his life for bankers and to make industry available in certain countries and that he had been lied to. And he wrote a book called War is Just a Racket. And it's an amazing book because if you look at what he wrote in 19, I want to say it's 37. When did that come out? 35. 35. If you look at what he wrote in 1935, it's applicable today all around the world.

Like what this guy was trying to expose about the real motivations, why politicians lead soldiers into war. Very little of it is about your safety and your health. I mean, occasionally it is, like World War II, which is kind of ironic because World War II is right after he wrote this, whereas a war where we actually really did need to stop Hitler. But this guy wrote this book, and it just shows how many military actions

are not just unnecessary but deceptive. Yeah. And this guy realized it later later in his life he's a fucking wasn't he a three-star general or something like that retired marine two-time medal of honor recipient yeah so he was a decorated soldier and as he was an old man it was like jesus christ what have i done that's crazy to do something thinking that well it's really crazy is that no one else did it and that he was really like the first person to publish something that became you know a popular piece of work where the average person

like myself or you who doesn't really know that much about war could read about it and go holy shit like this is what was really going on. That they were just making things safe for bankers or they're clearing, you know, a way to get to natural resources. I think that's why there's so much, like, distrust in government and stuff now because there's so many things that we realize later on.

Like, why was that so necessary? Well, not only that. I mean, you're seeing it with this administration where they're doing the same things that Trump was doing. They're just pretending they're not. They're just wearing cute jackets. Well, it's just the same fucking thing. Like what they're doing. Like the whole thing was like the kids at the border.

We got to stop these families at the border, this detention at the border, putting people in cages. They're doing the same fucking thing. And then Ted Cruz went down there to try to film it. And they were asking him to stop filming. Like this Biden employee is like, stop filming. Stop filming, sir. Please have some respect. He's like, this is like you can't just make rules like that we can't film now.

And that's how you're going to stop people from talking about this, that nothing's changed. Because they were pretending that Trump was doing this and that it was all Trump's fault. Well, no, it's the border is crazy and porous. And now that Trump's not in office, they think it's more friendly because Biden's there. So more people are coming through. And they have a lot of them have Biden T-shirts on. Have you seen that? No.

Where they get detained? Yeah. Like dozens and dozens of them. Like they're going to a Biden concert. Like they're going to a biden rally we love you help us you never seen it you should see it it's crazy so they're coming to the border wall with biden shirts on and so they've resumed construction of the border wall well if you know that so this company you know this administration was like we're not going to do what the past administration did yeah you are but is this all gonna be huge is it huge is it gonna be the same look at this please let us in yeah biden please let us in look

at this like who's giving them those fucking shirts probably the cartel they probably all have a pound of kilos a pound of coke in their ass weird right yeah it's just a weird and you know what's even weirder i was talking to a friend of mine and he's much more knowledgeable about this he goes you know listen man he goes at the bottom of mexico those other south american countries they're trying to get into mexico and the mexicans don't want them coming into mexico and then you got Mexicans that are trying to get into America, and there's Americans that don't want them in America. Like, it's like, they're doing it too. Like, it goes all the way. If you go down to Honduras and Honduras and New Mexico,

they're like, hey, you know, we have enough. Like, literally, it's happening every step of the way up to America. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, I don't know much about that stuff. You don't pay much about that you don't pay attention well i just feel like it becomes too like like sided like where it's scary to talk about politics because it can become so like if you say one thing that's not with you know some sort of like if it's not in an infographic on instagram then it's wrong and it's all very like this way or that way.

So I try and stay somewhat informed, but it just feels very exhausting nowadays. What do you mean by if it's on an infographic? Like I'm on very like super hyper woke Instagram, you know. You are? A lot of, yeah, a lot of my friends post a lot of like, you know, woke shit, which, you know. Do you yell at them for that

i scroll past it i read it it's got shiny letters and a nice font so i'm like oh this is pretty but it's it's very like extreme where it's like you're either all in or you're all out and i'm like it's a bunch of people trying to control people that's what it is mostly like the idea is wonderful that we should all be inclusive and nice and kind and caring. And I agree to that wholeheartedly. But a lot of people use woke ideology as an excuse to be an asshole. Oh, yeah. People don't think the way you think.

So you have like a lot of really aggressive, shitty guys that jump on the woke movement and use it as an excuse to vent out their cuntiness on other people. And it's usually these, they're usually not very successful. They usually have terrible relationships. They're like really volatile, angry people. And they found the wokeness as like a path to righteousness. Like this is their, the way they can feel good about screaming at people. So they'll scream about people and call them racist or homophobic or transphobic or whatever phobiorist they can figure out a way to call you. And that's their legitimate outlet. Their badge of honor.

But it's a legitimate outlet for their shittiness. It's like they found a badge. Instead of going, is this really what's going on here? Maybe I should look at this open-mindedly. Maybe I should be objective and compassionate. Maybe I should just really actually try to spread kindness. Just try to be a nice person. Nope. That's not what it is. What wokeness is, is like any other cult. It's any other ideology. It comes along and then there's a lot of good intentions. There's a lot of good thoughts behind it, but then a bunch of assholes adopt it,

and those assholes use it for their own betterment. Yeah, and it's a lot of like a different end of the same token where it's like it's kind of the same rhetoric and way of going about things as people who are on the complete opposite end of the spectrum who are very hateful. Yeah. It's very much, it's yeah it's very much it's funny because

they're preaching acceptance and then canceling people for anything they can think of and it's real or imagined which is scary because i i want to be a good person and then it's like hard because i'm like am i being the right kind of good person for these people? Well, you are for now. But the problem is five years from now, it could be radically different. And then you can get canceled for some shit. You said now when it was acceptable. Look, we all are kind of following a hive mind, right? And there's extremes on the right and there's extremes on the left.

But when you get to the really radical shitty people on the right or the really radical shitty people on the left, what they share in common is their adherence to a pattern. And the pattern doesn't have to be logical. It's just very tribal. Like whoever's on that other side is a piece of shit. And they'll find reasons why that person's a piece of shit, whether it's a person who's a left-wing person that lefty communist marxist socialist piece of shit they want to fucking ruin this country in this or they go the other way you know they're on the left and they'll find reasons why people on the right are racist sexist homophobic and this and that and you know and you know they'll scream out black

lives matter at the top of their lungs and what are they really doing what they're really doing is they're adhering to an ideology. And they're rigidly doing it. And they're using it as a portal to channel their cuntiness. And they're both sides, left and right. They're the same kind of people. They just picked a team. It's hard because there's no room when that's your whole thing is being super one-sided.

Either way, it leaves no room for growth or change they're not trying to grow and change exactly they're just trying to get their rocks off yeah that's what a lot of it is yeah yeah it's a weird time because of the social media movement because so many people are communicating online these weird little like clips of you know of text weird little blurbs and they're just waiting to see how people respond to those blurbs so it's like the shittiest way of communicating is not just in writing but in little tiny writing little tiny you know 140 280 character bursts it's like the worst way to communicate little bursts of text because so much is missing you know it's not even like a long article even articles are kind of a shitty way of

communicating because you get to write it without anybody going well that's not true because this and that's not true because of that and the reason why you're saying that is what about your own thing and that's me are you looking at it because of your biases? You know, there's no back and forth, which is the way humans are really supposed to express themselves. Yeah, and there's no room for nuance. Everything can be very black and white. And there's no room for gray area of like, yeah, I mean this. This is what I'm saying.

I mean it. But I mean it in the context of this. Everything can be taken out of context, which is hard. And people hold you to your words and what you say and don't let you form new opinions or beliefs based on what you've learned later on. Because they're not trying to find out what you really think.

They're just trying to catch you. they're just trying to play gotcha they're just trying to say oh ally you said this one you called yourself a dyke one time well that's fucked up you're a fucking you know and then then they get mad at you and you're like hey hey i was joking it was september it was the season for me to be a dyke yeah yeah i spell it with a y it's fine i spell yeah i spell i put an x fine. I spell it, yeah. I put an X in there somewhere so it's inclusive. I was talking to this lady. Her name was Karen. I said, does all this Karen shit bother you? She goes, no.

I spell it different. With a C? I go, what the fuck does that mean? No, it's K-A-R-Y-N, she said. I go, listen, nobody knows how the fuck you spell it. You're not wearing a name bad job. People call it Karen. You're being a Karen. They don't say, oharen you're being a karen they don't say oh you're being a k-a-r-e-n you're not being a k-a-r-y and those women are amazing

yeah what a tough time for karens terrible time for karens but there are a lot of them well which kind you mean the cunty kind or like the ones with the e just named karen the cunty kind well there's sweet Karen's we need one for men it's like Chad but that's not right there's a lot of Chad's like really good guys the guy who's the uh the director of uh John Wick I can never say his last name because it's a complicated last name how do you say his last name Slos's a complicated last name. How do you say his last name? Selesky. How do you say it?

Is he Russian? Polish? That's a good question. Probably Russian. It's a complicated name, though. You did the 23andMe thing, right? Selesky. Yeah.

Yeah. Hell of a director. Strange name. But he's a Chad. He's a good Chad. There's a lot of Chads that are good. Yeah. Chad Ward, my friend.

He's a barbecue chef. Is he out here? No, he is. Where the fuck is Chad? Do you go out a lot over here? I do. Are you able to go out and just enjoy yourself? I just live my life.

Okay, good. Young Allie Makovsky. I don't know what your life looks like. It's a little odd, but yeah, I just live my life. That's cool. Young Allie Makovsky. I don't know what your life looks like. It's a little odd, but yeah, I just live my life. That's cool. People are cool here. Yeah, they are. They're very cool. That's what I like.

It's fun out here because you'll just see the most random group of people hanging out. It feels like what we were just talking about. Like people just, it's a very social town and everyone's kind of buddies with each other. And there's a feeling like that you're home even if you've never been here. Yeah. What did Matthew McConaughey say? All right, all right. The way he described it?

No, he said, he goes, no one here is too good and everyone's good enough. I love that. That's such a Matthew McConaughey thing to say. I love Matty. Matty Mac. That's such a Matthew McConaughey thing to say. He'll be president someday.

Yeah. If someone doesn't come along and trip him. He's so cool. I want to read his book. Well, then read it. My boyfriend has it. If you want to read it, why not read it? I'm going to.

Well, just steal it from your boyfriend. Say, if you love me, you'll give me the book. Give me the book, bitch. You're not reading it. Do you say you love me? I said it. Woo! Why do you say it like that with a grimace?

Because it's just scary. Ooh. Yeah. That's the only way to find out if he loves you back or if he's a liar he's a sweetie he's a sweetie yeah yeah what do you think about like famous people becoming president like that i think anything is possible nowadays people are willing to vote anyone in. They've been willing to vote anyone in for a long time. It's just people haven't done it, other than Reagan. Was Reagan voted in? How did you think he became president? Well, no, I mean like...

No, no. What kind of conversation are we having here? I'm not that dumb. I'm pretty dumb, but I'm not that dumb. I mean like the way that Kanye wasn't on the ballot in most places? No, Reagan was the governor of California. And then he became the president of the United States. But he ran for president, right?

Reagan was the fucking president for two terms. I know that he was the president. What do you mean by he ran for president? That's how you become president. No, but you know how some people get voted in? Like, they're not on the ballot. Do you want me to forget we talked about this? We can edit it out.

We can edit it out. No, he was not on the ballot you have to write about this we can edit it out we can edit it out no he was actually on the ballot yeah he was the governor i thought you meant california i thought you meant that some people wrote his name because they loved him so much as governor no what i meant is that he was an actor yes yes famous guy westerns right uh he did a lot of movies like one of his famous ones like he did a movie with a chimp in the 1950s. Bedtime for Bongo. Bonzo or Bongo? Yeah, it was him and a chimp were palling around together. Bonzo.

Bonzo. 1951. Yeah. Reagan was a young, sort of like Dragnet style heartthrob. Back in the day. I feel like nowadays people would vote for Bonzo to be president. Probably for fun. 100%.

Let's see. I think after that Harambe. Didn't people vote in for Harambe the year that there was that. See how little that chimp is? Chimps are so cute. Have you ever held one? Yeah. But you have to the only way they'll work With someone like that

They have to be babies You can't have a grown chimp Grown chimps will just Beat the shit out of you We were on the set of News Radio And they had a baby chimp like that And it was a baby It had a diaper on and everything

And it climbed on me Like I was holding it And it climbed on my back And went Just beat me in the back And I was like holy shit like a tiny little thing you know like probably 30 40 pounds i couldn't believe how hard it was hitting me i was like fuck that's crazy and they feel different they feel like they're made out of this table like their muscles like if it's like you you when you touch them you go like, I'm like a fucking water balloon compared to that.

Like your body is so mushy and soft compared to a chimp. Yeah. They're a real weird feeling. I like chimps and stuff. This is viral video of a chimp helping this guy up on a ramp. Yeah, it's adorable. Look at this. Look at its eyes.

It barely has to try. Yeah, it just hoists him up. Oh, wow. Look at that. And then watch this fist bump at the end. Stop just hoists him up. Oh, wow. Look at that. And then watch this fist bump at the end. Stop. He goes fist bump. How cool is that?

Oh, that's so cute. That's pretty dope. Now, that's a grown chimp. Yeah. Must have a good relationship with it. Oh. You know what animal I love? What?

Goats. Why do you love goats? I want a goat. I want to get, when I make it, I want a backyard and I want to have a goat. Wow. They're so cute and they're friendly and they just hang out. You want a backyard and a goat. Yep.

That's what I want. There's a coffee place down here called Civil Goat. Is that what it's called? Yeah. And there's a goat that hangs out on the porch and it'll walk up to you and just kind of fucking headbutt you. Really? Yeah, it's weird. The goat will walk up to you and like butt you in the legs and you're like, hey, buddy, how you doing?

But he's not being an asshole. It's just kind of like that's what they do. They just run into things with their head. Yeah. And he kind of rub his head. They're adorable. And they like don't let the goat inside because if you let the goat inside'll just like fucking jump on everything yeah you paper napkins yeah they're odd animals yeah i knew a dude who had some goats and uh he got goats for his backyard in topanga

and uh they had like this big piece of land and they said oh you know what we'll do we'll get the goats and the goats will clean all the brush. Well, the goats fucking ate everything. So they're like, we gotta get rid of these fucking goats. So these crazy assholes just took the goats and just dropped them off on the side somewhere. And then people knew that they had goats, so people started asking around

like, did somebody let their fucking goats just loose in Topanga? And then they contacted them and said, hey asshole, come get your goats. That's so messed up. Just loose goats in Topanga and then they contacted them and said, hey, asshole, come get your goats. That's so messed up. Just loose goats in Topanga. I think the way they thought of it was like the goats will most certainly be able to feed themselves because they just eat whatever.

They eat brush. Yeah. And if they get hit by a car, they're not really into those goats anyway, which is sad. That is sad. I would hate to see that. Have you ever, like, ran into an animal, like, driving? Squirrel. Nothing big.

Did you feel bad? Yeah. I saw him in the back. Like, as you passed, you see him bucking and twisting. I've never hit a deer, though, knock on wood, because I've seen a lot of them, especially out here. That can be super dangerous, right? Oh, yeah. My friend Cam cam uh guy in

his town died because uh he didn't hit the deer the guy in front of him hit the deer this is what's crazy the guy in front of him hit the deer the deer went up in the air and his car was driving behind the car and the deer went through his windshield and killed him yeah fuck yeah when death by deer when death decides it's your time the way you die can be just the most fucked up way imagine you're just driving home just went out to get a half a gallon orange juice or whatever and it's always so heartbreaking like just unexpected ones like that oh yeah it makes me so sad people die from that all the time. They die from it. I've seen some crazy pictures online, too, of what happens when someone hits a car with a deer, where the deer goes through the windshield and the inside of the car is just a Jackson Pollock

splatter painting of guts and blood. Because when they hit the car, their body's falling apart and they go through the windshield and everything just bursts and the inside of the car was just all just guts and meat. Speaking of, I had my first deer. Oh, you ate your first deer? I ate my first deer. Out here? No.

At home, my cousin Johnny and his brother michael they go shooting and or arch archery archery archery do bow and arrow yeah they do bow and arrow yeah where at i think in like arizona like flagstaff or something like that how was it gamey oh they probably didn't take care of it right i mean they didn't like it like it? It's just like when you're not used to tasting something like that, it's just weird. Like, I imagine if I was like back in the olden days and I was like, venison me up, it would have been great, but... Well, a lot of it is how the meat is prepared and how it's kept after you kill the animal. Because you got to keep it cool. They have it in like a freezer that's not

what i mean i mean once you kill the animal like from then on you have to cool it off as quickly as possible and if you don't do that it can kind of spoil the meat and get a weird taste to it and um there's also a gland in the animal's legs called the tarsal gland. And if that gland gets cut or nicked during the butchering process, then that can get in the meat and that will fuck the meat up. But for the most part, I think a lot of it is when guys get the animal, they don't cool it off quick enough. You don't have either ice ready right away or you don't know how to hang it to get air around it.

There's a lot you have to do to make sure that the animal doesn't uh spoil yeah we had like a flank i think and then he i guess there's like a local butcher who like makes it into sausages and kind of add some other meats to it usually add fat yeah fat and that was really good like the sausage was really good but yeah it was just it was just a totally different taste that I wasn't expecting yeah well I don't know what they did maybe they didn't cook it right or maybe they didn't prepare it right or maybe they didn't take care of it right my dad prepared it and you know he's normally like a grill boss but that was his first time it's a little trickier than regular meat because you have to be real careful with the temperature. Usually you should use a thermometer because you don't want it to overcook because it's very lean. It's not like a steak.

You could judge a steak, like a beef steak, much easier because there's a lot of fat in it. Yeah. Like if you're eating venison, it's a very lean animal. We're definitely eyeballing it. Eyeballing? Oh, trying to guess it? Yeah. If your dad's never done it before, has he ever cooked that before? No, never. Yeah, you gotta read it. We didn't know what to do.

We kind of surprised him with it. We're like, wanna eat deer? Yeah. He was game. Literally. You gotta, you gotta read up on it. It's a, that's, you know, do you cook at all? I'm trying to cook more, yeah, but i'm uh i moved into a studio and i have to cook on a hot plate so it feels like i'm camping all the time because i don't have like a stove so i use a hot plate so i can only cook like one thing at a time so what do you cook um i cook well i cook like breakfast i'll make like bacon Um, I cook, well, I cook like breakfast. I'll make like bacon, eggs, all that stuff. And then I'll make rice. Um, I want to start making more like vegetables. Trying to be healthy?

Trying, yeah. Luckily I'm staying with my friends out here and they eat super healthy. So that's felt good. But right after this I'm going on a meat tour. Who do you know out here my friend julia and jake they're super sweet it's funny because i met julia through my patreon she was like you know follow me on patreon and i didn't know you had a patreon yeah i have a i have a small intimate no patreon is the closest i'll get patreon is the closest i'll get how many gals have turned to only fans during the pandemic so many quite a few i thought about it a couple times. I was like, do I? How do I suddenly get into this?

How does that work, though? Because, like, someone can always, they save those pictures. I know. That's why I would never do it. Yeah. If it was, like, top secret and, you know, it was just between. Shh. That's my pussy.

Yeah. Here you go. Don't tell anyone. Shh. Yeah. It's a weird thing, right? And also, I'm too sensitive. If I, like, posted, oh, I have an OnlyFans now,

and two people joined, one of them being my mom, because she's supportive, I'd be like, this hurts. I know this lady that started an OnlyFans. I don't know if she was doing it for money or just desperate or just wanted to do it. I don't know. But she got all this hate. It was really interesting to see.

And even from her own family. Like people furious at her for showing her tits. That's crazy. Yeah. If you have good tits and you don't mind showing them. Yeah. It's a weird thing. Like why is everybody mad?

It's one thing if your wife starts showing her pussy. You're like, hey. That's mine. Yeah. Hey. I have a ring saying. Hey. That's our pussy. You're like, hey. That's mine. Yeah, hey. I have a ring saying. Hey. That's our pussy.

Cut it out. Yeah. But if it's your sister or something like that, I don't think you're allowed to say anything. You can't get mad at her. I don't understand the getting mad part. What are you mad at? Yeah, I think it's a great way for people to make money if they can.

It's saturated, so it's hard. You for people to make money if they can it's saturated so it's hard you have to really like hustle like that becomes your business this girl who works for brendan shop makes like a hundred thousand dollars a month showing her feet yeah i need a really foot porn thing there's no more all of a sudden jamie chimes in there's weird huh i was waiting for an end there's no more like uh hey sudden Jamie chimes in Weird huh I was waiting for an in Jamie you have feet guys There's no more like Hey she's doing Playboy

Did you hear she's doing Playboy You know like Is there Playboy anymore Is that real There's not even an option for it There's Playboy But they're like mostly doing articles And like nice photo shoots

There's not really much There used to be a big thing They'd like make a huge offer You know and then like someone Right like a famous person would show their tits. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I remember that. Like, didn't Demi Moore do it?

Yeah, and Kim Kardashian. Yeah, like actresses and famous people. Like, if Playboy was classy. Like, ooh, she's in Playboy. Ooh. It was a big deal. A big girl, a famous girl in wrestling did it. Sable, when I was younger. She's married to Brock Lesnar.

It was a huge deal. Huge. That couldn't be a thing now. She was just the only fan to make. Yeah. It was really quick. Well, that's the thing is these gals are making that bad Barbie girl. Bad baby.

Whatever it is. Oh. How do you say it? Bahad baby. Is it baby? It's not bad Barbie? Nope. Bad baby. She spells it with an H after the baby. Whatever it is. Oh. How do you say it? Bahad baby. Is it baby? It's not bad Barbie? Nope, bad baby. She spells it with an H after the baby.

The catch me outside girl. Catch me outside. How about that? How about that? That girl made a million dollars in six hours. She claims. That's what I've heard. She claims.

Call her a liar. Jamie's just so rude. It sounds like some people are very cynical about it. She's claiming she made that, but a lot of other girls who are on there will show their receipts. Their receipts, yeah. Like here, it says on the top 0.001%. That's weird too, showing your receipts.

I would feel like if you did that, people would stop giving you money. I know. You have to be like, I'm not making too much. It's a small group. Or maybe they want to contribute to it because it's exciting because your girl is number one, right? It's like rooting for a team in the NFL. You're like, go bad, baby.

Yeah, if you only got to give her 10 bucks a month or whatever it is. I subscribe to an OnlyFans. Do you? I do. Is it a boy? No, it's a lady. Oh. Yeah.

What does she show? Oh, she shows everything. Which OnlyFans is this? She's a savage. Her name's Trisha Paytas. And what does she do in her only fans? Do you know who she is? Do you know who she is, Jamie?

Unfortunately, I do. Do you follow her too? I don't follow her, but I follow the internet, so I know who this person is. Yeah. What's the problem? She's an internet sleuth. She's... A sleuth?

Yeah, right? That's the right word? What's a sleuth? What's a sleuth? A sleuth is a detective. Oh, no. She's not a sleuth. You don't even read. She's an internet sloth, I meant to say. I know. I know. That's a sleuth? A sleuth is a detective Oh no she's not a sleuth You don't even read

She's an internet sloth I meant to say I know I know I'm grateful to be here What do you mean a sloth? A lazy person She's just on the internet She's an internet person Oh I love her

Yeah we are So what is the difference between her and I? She's on OnlyFans. She's on YouTube. She's everywhere. But her OnlyFans is fun because she just moved into this beautiful house in the hills somewhere. And she just shows her pussy. She did a house tour. Here's my pussy in the bathroom.

She did a house tour naked. So you're getting this beautiful real estate. You're like, oh, nice cabinetry. What does this gal look like? Jamie doesn't want to pull her up. You don't want to? We showed me and not everybody else. We already said her name.

Fucking keep me in the dark here, buddy. Sorry, you're right. Jesus. Here we go. Dun, dun, dun. Oh, okay. She's gone through so many different phases. That's the same person?

Yeah, that's right. What the hell? She's a new person every week. She's very entertaining. A lot of people hate her. A lot of people love her. I would imagine if you're that kind of person, click on the one of her in her bikini. Let me see how she would look naked.

Right down there on the bottom. On the bottom. There you go. Yeah, you can keep that i will yeah so she's one of them extroverted people that gets a lot of attention for sure wants a lot of attention so she's probably a good person to follow because she's constantly putting out content yeah and her only fans too it's like how do you have time for everything like her only fans is always updated doing all these new things she's making youtube videos podcasts like everything it's so her whole day is just pumping out content yeah and you're you're there slack-jawed eating hot cheetos in bed attention to her what is that part of the what you're saying the dumpster fire that is tricia paid us oh puts out all the content getting attention for sometimes wrong reasons.

Okay. Yes. Yeah, so that's why you winced. Yes. I get it. You know what's amazing to me? I had no idea she was a person. You know what I mean?

Like, probably huge. Probably has millions of followers on everything, right? Probably going to make comments about this now. I'm sure. Yeah. I had no idea idea but that's what's amazing about the internet it's like you can like my 10 year old likes watching people play games oh on twitch yeah no no like on youtube she watched like she likes watching these pretty girls that are funny play games on roblox yeah like you know what roblox is i'm i've heard it but i don't know exactly it's like this weird video game that they play and these girls play it and they make

funny comments and laugh she thinks it's hilarious because it's she's fucking 10 you know you get nervous i watch this um i watch this youtube documentary called like the dangers of social media 2.0 and the way that kind of like pornographic images are being shown to our kids even if you have like parental controls it shows up in weird ways and kind of subtly in YouTube yeah what do you mean kind of in everything I I don't mean you are different I don't retain information well but or at all right or at all yeah just in and out in and out um but and yeah and just like how young people start watching porn now and the way that porn projects the image of sex onto children so now like kids in high school are just having like super gnarly sex because that's what they see and what they know and it's a it's a really fascinating documentary it made me be like i'm if i have a name of the documentary so

dangers of social media social media dangers 2.0 or something and so this they they create a instagram account for an 11 year old and it says the bio is like sixth grade you know it's very believably if you go on her page it looks like a sixth grader two minutes after the account is activated two minutes after they get a dm from a guy whose profile picture is a penis oh jesus and so it's like things are just popping up that you can't even like control, you know? Childhood 2.0 is what it's called. Yeah, Childhood 2.0.

It's very, I feel like. Well, for sure there's a lot of that out there. Yeah. It's not a time to grow up slowly. No. People are growing up quickly these days, for sure. You're going to get exposed to some gnarly shit if you're online. Yeah, and I grew up having access to the internet,

and I kind of have a vague memory of high-speed dial-up internet, the noise that it made. But then even for me, it was so quick into online stuff and being, like, connected into the Internet. But it's so much faster now, like babies with iPads and stuff. Yeah. Yeah, well, if you leave your kid alone with an iPad that has an Internet connection and a Google account, especially if there's a couple of them together, they're always like, you know what I found? And then next thing you know, the kids are looking at some fucking snuff film for sure yeah it's scary do you get nervous about that yes yeah there's no way you can't you get i get nervous

about everything you know i was uh reading this thing about uh sex trafficking the other day and i was like jesus christ like uh people that are you know kidnapped in these countries and in America yeah that happens too yeah so much and you don't even really realize it well I mean there's always like some guy that you hear of that's got like people locked up in his basement and he's had him down there for 10 years and they finally get out you know how many stories of those you've heard and they always have like a spouse, a partner. I'm like, how do you guys find that you have that in common? Right, right.

How do you ease into that conversation of like, I'm thinking of keeping some kids in the basement. What do you think? There's some monsters out there. Oh, it's scary. And now, like it was saying in the documentary, because at the time my parents grew up it became dangerous to be outside because people would get kidnapped or you know you just hear of all these horror stories of kids being out hitchhiking whatever and so a lot of parents don't want their kids being out but crime has gone down in that way so much since people aren't hitchhiking

yeah and so now kids are just inside on their phones because they don't play outside yeah i've heard some horror stories about uber though about girls um you know getting attacked by their uber drivers i've been in some creepy ubers where i start recording on my phone the audio because i'm like i don't know how this is gonna play out like how so i remember one time i was i was in the back of this dude's Uber in Hollywood and he was just saying, I don't even remember what it was, but it was so creepy. And I think women have this radar within them when you can just tell something's off. A guy could be totally normal, but there's just something in you that's like, I'm getting a weird vibe.

And he was just saying things and I was like, oh, I'm sorry, I don't want to talk. And just asking me weird questions. It was a long time ago, but I remember hitting record on my phone because I'm like, I don't, this guy's in full control right now. Unless I jump out the back. And it's his car, too. There's so much weirdness to it, right? It's like it's so intimate. You're in his, it's like you're in his apartment that moves.

And it probably is his apartment when he clocks out. It might be. be my buddy cj's living ubering by day does he just go to a gym to shower or something yeah he's doing airbnbs and stuff now but yeah there's a lot of people that do that that uber thing where they're driving people around all day long and you know like that's their social interaction is interacting with people and some people just want to ride and then all of a sudden you're realizing like you're paying for the most uncomfortable conversation you could ever have yeah you're like oh great now i have to and then you know sometimes you get in a car and someone will talk you know trump got a real bad rap you're like oh no and you realize you're gonna listen to this QAnon guy who's driving you around

and like what do you say just hey drop me off I can't do this I I like to when I get weirdo drivers like that who are just saying crazy stuff I like to know what's going on in their world so ask them it's fascinating yeah because what if you're with your friend and you guys are you know you got plans you got something important to talk, and this guy starts yapping at you? You've got to... What are you going on tonight, girls? What are you up to? What are you guys up to?

You guys look nice. How old are you? Oh, it's so creepy. What do you do for a living? What's your name? When people ask what you do for a living in an Uber and you're like, I'm a comedian. They're like, tell me a joke. One time I said I was a writer because I thought that that would get less questions. And the guy was like, I'm a writer too.

What do you write? And I was like, what do I write? And I was like, I write stories. He was like, I write raps and poems. And then he pulled out a notebook from his glove compartment. Did he start reading from it? Yeah. When people want you to listen to their music, it's one of the most fucking painful things.

Hey, I want you to listen to this song and you're in their car and you're like, no. No, no, no, no, no. Don't do this to me. Don't you do this to me. Then you have to go, oh, wow. Who are your influences? This is crazy. Yeah. you do this to me then you have to go oh wow this is crazy you know i've been getting into it's fun like being in texas because i feel like i'm in the country you know so i've been listening

to a lot of brooks and dunn oh there you go it's like imagine if i had people over my house and i said hey i want you to listen to my podcast listen everybody sit down listen to me talk have you guys heard my podcast you guys want to listen to it get a little glimpse oh i'm happy if someone doesn't know i have a podcast does anyone know that you don't have sure there's some people out there i'm gonna find them hang out with them oh is that the seth rogan guy from the movies no i'm his cousin that's what my my aunt i remember when i i think i've when i first got to do a show with you you know it was obviously a big deal to me so i'm like telling my aunt i'm like i get to do a show with joe rogan and she's like from the movies the stoner guy and i'm like he is a stoner guy

but i don't think he's in the movies i'm not as much of a stoner seth rogan apparently gets high every single day all day long i get my uh my second vax on 420. Woo. Puff, puff vax. Wait a minute. Why are you getting a vaccination when you've already had COVID? I didn't know. I was too late. I didn't know. You have the antibiotics.

I'll just get the one and done. I already got the one. Yeah, you're fine. I'll let the one ride out. Don't do it. Because some people are having really bad reactions when they get the vaccination and they've had COVID, especially the second vaccination, because it's just an overwhelming experience for your body to, you know, to be battling it out like that. I don't know why, but see if you can Google that.

Make sure that's true. Because I've heard of people, like one person told me that they had COVID and then they got vaccinated and the second one fucked them up. My sister got, oh, she didn't want me to say it. You keep doing that to your sister. I know. You're throwing your sister under the bus. Joey Diaz just got vaccinated. He said it was nothing. That's the interesting thing, though. He got the Johnson & Johnson. Oh.

He was fine? Yeah, he said he was fine. That's good. That's the thing, though, with getting COVID, people are so afraid to say that they got COVID because they're so, well, what were you doing? I know. Were you following all the rules? Were you staying locked up inside and not going out into? That's just in California.ia yeah yeah california's lost the rest of the country doesn't treat you like that well it's like there's a good chance you're gonna get covet if you have to go to

the grocery store or do anything it's your dopey woke friends too i know i know i know god the ones with two masks on their twitter profile yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sad. These kids. They're going to change the world though. They are. It's going to be way better. Yeah. It's going to be communist. That would be so crazy.

It's not going to work. No. Where would you live? Like say. New Zealand. New Zealand. I don't know. I've never been there, but I live in Australia.

I would say Canada, but have you seen what the fuck's going on in Canada? See, I feel like Canada's too similar to us. People put like a nice little mask on it and are like, it's a better version. I'm like, it's pretty much the same. No, it's not a better version. It's too close to home. Not during COVID. There's a church that they put a fence around the church, and then these people tried to

go to the church anywhere and wear no masks. And then something like 200 cops were at the church. See if you can find this. It's really crazy. There's a giant number of cops that were wearing like SWAT gear showed up at a fucking church in Canada. And the Internet is outraged about this because there was one guy who was a pastor and he was kicking them out. These cops showed up at his church and they all had masks on and he was yelling, get out, get out, you Nazis, you Nazis. Unless you have a warrant, get out. He's like, what are you doing?

You're intimidating us during Passover? Get out. He's screaming at them. It's like it got viral. Well, their response to that wasn't, oh my God, people don't want to be treated this way. They don't want to be yelled at like they're criminals just because they're at church. Because I guess they have some regulations about church in Canada, particularly in this area. I think it's Canada universally because there's some anti-lockdown riots that were going on last night in Montreal. some anti-lockdown riots that were going on last night in Montreal. But so this church, the next step was these cops show up in full riot gear, and some of them had gas masks because they were going to pepper spray people at a fucking church because these people were openly celebrating,

and I guess they weren't wearing masks, or I guess they weren't following whatever national protocols they have. So this is the first guy. This is the guy that was screaming. We'll play some of this because it's kind of crazy. Out of this property. Immediately. I don't want to hear a word.

Out. Out. Out of this property. Why does that sound like so shitty? You'll come back with a warrant. Out. Out. Out. Out. Out. So this is the first one Yeah well

There's something wrong with the volume Or the sound on that particular copy of the video But the other one was a little clearer but then yesterday it escalated in a huge way and uh this i don't know if it's the same church but there was this church where this huge group of armed police showed up with bulletproof vests, black suits, the whole deal. And to a fucking church. Yeah. Like, look at this. Look at this.

Oh my God. Dude, what the fuck is this? Do you think they... Like, this is insane. I mean, this is literally insane. They have flak jackets on, bulletproof vests. They're armed. And they're showing up.

200 cops showed up at a church. And they're showing up. 200 cops showed up at a church. 200 cops. Uh, gas masks, visors and stuff. Gas masks for gas. 200 cops. And a helicopter. That's men in uniform that she's supposed to protect. 40 vehicles.

They put a fence around the church to keep people from going in. And people apparently were trying to go through the fence to get to the church. And then the cops just decided to enforce things. That's why you can't just tell people what to do. You can't just decide to take away people's freedom. Because this is where it goes. Like you'll start thinking, well, we're just trying to protect people. But then you got to reinforce those laws.

So how do you reinforce those laws? You bring 200 armed cops to shut down a church. Now, what happens if people resist that? Well, then you have a fucking war between the churchgoers and the cops. Over what? Over they want freedom to practice their religion a year into a fucking lockdown a year or more than a year it's april now we're a year and a month right so they want freedom to practice their religion and these cops are following some

fucking crazy law that they have up in canada or some crazy orders that someone's given them to show up 200 of them and shut a church service down. You know, and you could say, oh, you know, they're spreading the disease. At a certain point in time, you've got to let people be people. You've got to let them be free. And also- And protect yourself. We know what the fuck is going on.

Protect yourself. It's like the people who are mad at the people not wearing masks at church. It's like you're not interacting with those people. If that's what they want to do, you're not going to be affected. Well, they think they are because they think it's going to spread. But the thing is, like, it's not going to spread to you if you follow safety protocols and you don't go out. You know, if you want to be that person that just lives the rest of your life in lockdown, you're allowed to. I mean, regardless of this pandemic, if the pandemic ends and you say, you know what?

It's too risky. What if a new one comes up? I don't want to be patient number one. I'm going to wear three masks and stay home forever. That's okay. But when you tell people what to do like this, like you tell people you can't have church service, you're going to start a fucking civil war. People are going to get angry. You're going to start a fucking civil war. People are going to get angry.

They're going to attack the cops. And the cops, they develop this us versus them mentality. And that's why these cops would show up and act like what they're doing is not some horrific crime against justice and sanity. Where they show up, 200 of them armed to a fucking church. It's crazy. But this is where it goes. When you start telling people what to do, you have to a fucking church. It's crazy. But this is where it goes. When you start telling people what to do, you have to enforce those laws. And the way you enforce those laws is through violence.

And that's why this is so spooky. That's why these locked – and that's also why a lot of these really weak people, like what's scary is not that they have a different sensibility than people that are like that 21-year-old kid that got his dad sick and the reckless people that aren't thinking things through the real problem is that we you're you're enforcing your way of living on other people and there's only one way to do that you got to bring in the cops like like that thing that's what that's what happens yeah it's it's just it's so dangerous it's unhealthy for the brain it's unhealthy for everybody yeah just you know you gotta at a certain point in time like what they did in texas like the governor

said i'm gonna end the mask mandate you should still wear a mask but i'm not gonna make it a fucking law and all businesses can open 100%. Or if you don't want to open 100%, you want to be 50% open, do that. But I'm not going to have a mandate. We're a year into this. He goes, Texas is fully open. Do whatever you want. That's what I support.

Do what you want. Like, we're, look. Protect yourself. Look after yourself. Yeah. We know how to keep your immune system strong. We know how to be healthy we know treatments for the disease if you do get it we know how to keep yourself from getting it for the most part

fuck this kind of shit drives me crazy and there's so many people that have become these weird they just they've become so compliant to authority and they want everybody else to be compliant, too. They become their own police force. Yeah. Well, they police everyone around them, too. They scream at people across the street, wear a mask. Yeah. You're on the other side of the street.

It's happened to me. Someone has come over to my boyfriend. He was at a parking lot with his buddies, four of his buddies. They were out skating. They were about to leave, and some lady from across the street walked over and goes why aren't you guys wearing your masks and they're like okay we'll wear our masks thank you and she goes you can put them on now and they're like we don't we're we're fine and she's like i'm i got vaccinated so i'm not worried about myself i'm just looking out for you guys sure she's like what it's what we're talking about earlier with woke people people like to tell

people what to do and there's a there's like a clear green light to say put a mask on it's so clear so should you put a mask on yeah you probably should you know why you should not outside really but inside especially to make people feel better yeah you don't they don't feel uncomfortable around you they don't feel like you're an asshole. And you're doing something that makes people feel better. Yeah, that's nice. That's a good thing. But the people that are like, put a fucking mask on. Those are the same people as the far right people or the far left people.

They're just people that like to tell people what to do. They're people that like to find an excuse to be shitty. And feel in control. Yeah. Oh, I'm going to go tell those people to put their fucking mask on. Her life, I guarantee you, is a mess. A steaming pile of shit mess. Well, I think because of the pandemic, that was something that's out of our control.

I have no control over a global pandemic. What can I do? Nothing. Voodoo? Voodoo. You know any voodoo? I'll learn. I'll get into witchcraft soon but people i think realize that they have so little control over what can happen and it's

like you know a scary thing to realize that we're only so capable of doing things so it's like these are the little like micro actions of being like i have control over this i can tell this person what to do you know what you do have control over? You have control over your health. And yourself, yeah. You get yourself healthier or do your best to do so. You know, Laura Beetz, she lost 40 fucking pounds. She looks amazing.

I saw, after I saw that, I was nervous to come on because last time I was talking about Taco Bell, I'm like, I haven't lost shit. Well, you weren't grossly overweight. You know, she was, she let herself go. Yeah, I'm getting there. Now she's like super healthy. I know, it's awesome. And overweight. She let herself go. Yeah, I'm getting there. Now she's super healthy.

I know. And focused. That girl's focused. I get inspired by her. She writes constantly. When she would go do sets at the store and see her with her notes, I'd go, yeah, that's what I like to see. Someone with a fucking super thick notebook filled with pages,

and she's just constantly working on her act. She always has new material. She's always grinding. Always grinding. It's great. And now she's grinding with her body too. I mean, she's way healthier. Yeah. I mean, losing 40 pounds of blubber off of your body, it just frees you up so much.

She's like, oh my God, my joints, my back, my knee. Everything was bothering me. Now it's not. That's the message that needs to be pumped out into people. Not just wear three masks, save the fuck away from everybody. It's like, use this time to lose weight. 78% of the people that are in the fucking ICU are

obese for COVID. 78%. That's nuts. And it's hard because it's one of those things when you're losing weight and trying to get healthier and all of that it's a slow process and so you don't get to see it in yourself because you see yourself every day so it doesn't feel like you're making progress so it's so easy to get like discouraged and be like this isn't helping i don't see the results that's why scales are important people are oh, don't pay attention to scale. Just be healthy. Listen, pay attention to the fucking scale.

You don't live by it. It's not the end-all, be-all because you could starve yourself and be unhealthy and lighter and trick yourself. But it's a good way to mark improvement. And you can find ways. There's programs you can follow online that are free that can help you lose weight. There's all sorts of diets and ways to, like, count your calories and look at your expenditure and how much energy you're putting out, what you really need. And what she did was just, like, cut out flour and sugar and just that alone. Weight was falling off of her body.

Yeah. It's interesting when you start doing stuff like that how much you realize it's in everything yeah like sugar and flour it's in everything so much yeah it's in everything and so it's really like a full lifestyle change at first yeah because it's such an adjustment it's so easy to not pay attention to what's in your food. But if you do it, you'll feel so much better. Yeah. It's just this whole pandemic has exposed a lot of people's health issues. It's not as simple as just it's a crisis of a disease that's ravaging the country.

It is definitely that. But it also exposed how people that are healthy, it's not as big of a deal as people that are unhealthy. And you don't have to catch it, too. That's the other thing. This idea that there's nothing you can do to protect yourself. That's not true. Your immune system can protect you from this. It can stop you from having it.

When people in my house got it, there was two days where I was working out where I was like i feel kind of shitty today i just feel dragged like i was dragging so i just took it light i just broke a sweat didn't push myself didn't you know i was like i'm just i'm aware because i work out a lot so i think about every day no i always take at least one day a week off yeah always but i have friends that work out every fucking day and they just do different things. Are you still doing the sauna? Every day. That I do every day. Wow.

I was doing it five days a week, but now I basically do it almost every day. Occasionally I'll take a day off. It's way more likely that I don't take a day off. Do you ever do the like ice baths? No, I need to get one of those. I need to get one of them. no I need to get one of those I need to get one of them they have a tank that

it's like an ice plunge and they cool it so it gets it to like 34 degrees so you can just climb in you don't have to add ice to it so basically it keeps it chilled you put a lid on it and then you climb in it

the best apparently is going sauna ice bath sauna ice bath that's the way to do it I love that Wim Hof guy oh he's awesome i love him yeah he's awesome breathing exercises are amazing yeah you ever do those sometimes if i'm like really stressing but it's something that i would like to do more consistently because it's not like

i feel like breathing exercises or meditation like it's helpful if you do it every once in a while but it's most effective if you're doing it like in a regular practice yeah do you meditate yeah you do yeah i do but i do it through um well i used to do it when i had my tank i don't have a tank here i used to do it in the tank but now i do it through breathing exercises yeah in in the sauna usually i combine them makes it more difficult knock them all out well it just makes it more difficult to the the breathing exercises in this and i can but if i do it right i can get into this kind of crazy trance where i don't realize how much time has passed because all i'm thinking about is the breathing so i'm thinking about this big long

deep breath in big long deep breath out big one And I started, I read this book called Breathe by James Nestor. It's a really good book. Interesting, interesting book on the history of breathing exercises. Then I had him on the podcast and talked to him about it. And, you know, it was a bunch of different styles of breath exercises and all the different benefits and where these things have emanated from. exercises and all the different benefits and where where these things have emanated from but all these different things that people have shown that they can do with their body from breathing exercises like massively boost your immune system have you done like a breathwork class before no oh it's crazy your hands get like clamped like a like a crab or a lobster or something yeah because

you're like so out of control of your body when you're doing it what kind of classes do i don't i don't know if there was like a name for it was just like a guided breathwork class so the guy's like explaining like the rhythm to breathe in and like how fast or slow to go it was a while ago but it was like maybe eight eight seconds of like deep breathing in and then eight out and then I think it changes throughout the the class but I have such a hard time letting go that I'm just like thinking about it I'm like don't cry because sometimes people cry because it's so powerful and I just I can easily like shut off and be like don't fucking cry why do you not want to cry I don't know I I'm afraid of my emotions really yeah was it you were afraid to cry around people or do you cry when no one's around?

Oh, I love crying when no one's around. Just thinking of all the fucked up shit and playing a story of why I'm so awful. Every once in a while, yeah, I like to just really shed it and let it go. So do you think you build it up and then you have to just open the bag? Yeah. It was so funny. and let it go so do you think you build it up and then you have to just open the bag yeah so it was so funny i i last time i did the podcast someone said ali looks like she's always holding back tears she talks like she's like trying not to cry you mean a random comment on youtube is that what you're talking about yeah i wasn't reading them it was one of the top comments it was upvoted

this person's comment was very successful it was just at the top i wasn't doing a deep dive only the greatest hit comments do you read your comments on like instagram and twitter or anything like that um yeah but not like like i'll just skim through it's not something where i'm like i need to check the comments yeah because you i mean you've said it a bunch like what's the point michael, you know, Michael Jordan's not reading the comments. I said he's not writing them. Writing them? Yeah. But he's also not reading them.

He's probably not reading them either. But the kind of people that write them generally don't have their shit together. The people that, like, are shitting on you in particular and, like, want to make you feel bad. Look at fucking Allie with her frumpy, shitty clothes. Why don't you dress nicer? Like, who guy you know some idiot but meanwhile you're absorbing his stupid idiot thoughts and you're taking him into your head and then he doesn't even he doesn't even want his thoughts yeah like if he had to listen to himself he'd be like shut the fuck up yeah but unfortunately he doesn't have any discipline so he's trapped he's trapped in his

own shitty mind. Yeah. But you can let that person into your head and it's like eating bad food. Like all of a sudden you've been poisoned. You have gas. Like, ugh. Yeah. That's why I don't do it that much anymore because I can be, I'm allowed to be my own critic and-

That's good. I know what I want to improve. I know what my weaknesses are. That's good. I know what I want to improve. I know what my weaknesses are. And I only take, you know, advice from people I look up to, like you, Santino. Like if I'm ever like questioning myself or whatever I'm doing, I'm like, there's people I turn to who know.

There's people that you go to for what you need. Your colleagues. Yes. We're colleagues. Yes. Yeah. Well, I think you're self-critical you're i mean i've talked to you about your act before and you're you're a person that like goes over it and thinks about it you have a set that you don't like or something's wrong like you're not delusional and the people that are delusional it's that they just

don't get better yeah they don't if you protect yourself from that pain you don't grow you know we all know people like that, right? Totally. And I think that's the hard thing about comedy is it can be, the good times can be so fleeting when you have a good set. You're on this high and it's such a high high that you're like, this is awesome. I feel like a rock star.

I'm doing it. I'm in it. And then you have a shitty set. You don't like your material that night, whatever. And you're just like, I'm like, I feel like a rock star. I'm doing it. I'm in it. And then you have a shitty set. You don't like your material that night, whatever. And you're just like, I'm garbage. How did I even get here? Like, what am I doing? How did this happen?

And then that feels like it goes on forever. But it's figuring out the ways and the tools of like getting out of that. It's like, okay, well, maybe I can review my set earlier in the day and kind of just have a good day and put that to the side so I'm not hyper focused on that and overthinking the material and letting it become like rigid or something um so just kind of like figuring out what works best for me and what makes me the most like loose but polished at the same time because sometimes like I'll be on stage and i'm like am i doing a guided meditation right now like i feel like i'm listening to myself speak and that's

like the dangerous area for me is when i'm not present and in the moment of that because i was overthinking my entire set the whole day out of nerves or fear and the audience can recognize that 100 they feel it they smell it totally you're not there yeah yeah it's weird yeah it's a strange art form and no one really can tell you what to do they can kind of tell you i like how you did it last time or most of the time when you do this it's like that but this time you did it this way and it's better but you know the way you do it is going to be different than the way santino does it or different than the way you do it is going to be different than the way santino does it or different than the way diaz does it everybody's got a you know ali wong's got

her own thing everybody's got their own thing it's like there's no there's no like hard fast rules other than economy of words that's that's pretty universal but not even totally and it's very trial and error you know like you like mute bands don't go on stage and like we're gonna just test out this uh this new song we've never done it before just gonna try it out well the thing is about like trying something out like i've tried something out and had it go fucking nowhere you're like jesus christ i've been doing comedy forever and i still do this and then i've tried something out out nowhere and boom, it gets this huge fucking roar. Like I did this bit the other day that just I came up with it basically over the last like couple of days.

And it was the first time I'd ever done it on stage and it crushed. It's the best feeling. And Tony grabbed me afterwards. He goes, dude, that was one of the funniest things I've ever heard you say. Like where's that from? I'm like, it's totally new. He goes, dude, that was one of the funniest things I've ever heard you say. Like, where's that from? I'm like, it's totally new. He's like, oh, my God. Because everyone knows what that feeling's like when you have a totally new bit.

It's totally new and it's killing. You're like, ah. The worst is when you do a brand new bit and it works. It kills the first time you do it. And you're like, I got a new bit. Oh, the second time it's like bombing. You're like, how? What's the difference?

Do you record? Yeah. like how what's the difference did you record you record yeah yeah that's the difference you gotta listen to the recording figure out what did i do wrong i always i always audio record i want to start just filming my set so i can visually see it too that's better yeah damon waynes has recorded on video all of his sets since the 90s. Jesus. Yep. He shows up at the improv. He has a tripod and a camera, sets up, films it, and then he goes home, stores it, and edits it. So he watches all his shit, stores it, and edits it. Wow.

Amazing. Can't wait for that movie. What movie? The movie of all of his sets over time and his career and life story. Well, I don't even know if he does specials anymore. I don't think he's done a special in a long time. Did you see Kid 90s? Is that what it's called? I don't know.

What's that? I think it's on Hulu. The girl who played Punky Brewster. What's her name? She has a crazy cool name. It's like uh malik balloon that was salamoon fry oh yeah salamoon fry she like filmed everything like on vhs after uh after being punky brewster and so it's just like kind of her life story told

from all these old vhs's that she recorded growing up so she stopped all acting right she tried to act but it was like hard to get out of the image of like the young punky Brewster. But I mean, now she's not doing anymore, right? Yeah, I don't think so. But she has like- Will Smith. Is that Marky Mark?

Mm-hmm. Damn. Oh. Yeah, but it was so interesting because she was like in the crowd of like all these stars from that time, like Leo dicaprio young leo in these videos and wow look at them all the little kids yeah jesus christ they look like little kids it was really cool is that matt damon looking like a little kid in that picture you just had up this one the one you just had yeah that's brian austin green i think who's the one in the middle

not matt damon but it looks like it look at a little kid matt damon yeah who is that little That's Brian Austin Green, I think. Who's the one in the middle? Not Matt Damon. Looks like it. Look at that little kid Matt Damon. I don't know. Who is that little kid? It looks maybe Stephen Dorff. I don't know. Anyway.

That's a weird road. We were talking before the podcast about the one I did with Demi Lovato and Miley Cyrus. That world of being famous when you're a kid. Yeah. Fuck that. That's crazy. It's hard. It's so weird. And because it's all publicized. You watch them as they

grow and they don't get to figure themselves out on their own. Did I ever tell you I used to be on the radio? The radio? Yeah. I've told you this before. In another life? No. When I was like seven years old. I was on Kiss FM. Did you tell me this?

I have. Really? Yeah, Ryan Seacrest is the host of it probably. Why did I not remember that? I don't know. Was it good? Yeah, I mean I had a job working as a radio personality for like four years from third grade until sixth grade. Yeah, making prank phone calls.

I don't think you told me this. I've told you. Did you tell me on the air? No. You told me in real life? I told you in real life. I don't know if you did. I don't remember.

Do you remember this? Mm-hmm. I've heard, I mean, I've heard her talk about it before. I don't know. But I was like a mini, I was like a little mini celebrity in my hometown. You know, like my dad would, he, I remember one time he had to get a rental car and they were going to give him like, you know, a Toyota or something. And he's like, do you listen to Kiss FM?

Do you know Lil Allie? That's my daughter. Can I get a convertible? Pick me up from school in a new, like a nicer rental car or something. Wow. Yeah. But I mean, even that was hard and that was like nothing. How the fuck did that happen?

I called in randomly. My sisters listened to Kiss FM. When we would get ready for school we'd listen to it seven i was seven no one's watching you my dad was home my dad was home and my sisters were home probably yeah and you just grabbed the phone started dialing numbers i asked my sister i said i want to call into the radio station i want to like request a song or something and my sister's like i'm not giving you the number you're gonna embarrass me all my friends listen to this station and so she tries calling in she doesn't get through my dad takes her to school me and my other sister at home i press redial on the phone and i immediately get through and now i'm panicking i don't know what to say and i'm like

can i get britney spears tickets talking to ryan seacrest and he's like can you sing a britney spears song so i'm like seven years old singing toxic by Britney Spears just being like the taste of your lips I'm on a ride and after I sing this song he's like oh we don't have Britney Spears tickets but we have American Idol tickets and I was like I'll only go if they're VIP is that what you said yeah and then we're just having a conversation back and forth. He's like, where are your parents? I'm like, I don't know. Dad's out. It's like seven in the morning. And then I ended up getting a job making prank phone calls for them. How did it end? It ended with me not being little anymore. And they didn't like you anymore. No, I was too old. I was like 12. Is that really what happened? They, they yeah so i had a contract that would like you know

expired and then they wanted to renew it but in a different way and sign on to ryan's production company but my dad wanted to pimp you out yeah whoa and you want a piece of you yeah really yeah i think i think they want like 20 of everything you do do Uh huh From there on out I think so Whoa And my dad was like That's too much And so We didn't end up doing Imagine if your stand up career took off

You'd be Ryan Seacrest Bitch So for the rest of your career If you'd sign that It might be for life Yeah but

I don't think it would've been for life For life Forever You produced a Kardashianardashian show forever and ever and i always tell my dad we could have been the mckoskis keeping up with the mckoskis yeah he fucked up dad no but i'm so grateful because i mean i don't know if anything would have come of that or anything but like i'm glad i got to eat lunch in the bathroom alone in high school and like have all of those you know just awkward moments weird awkward uncomfortable

moments isn't that funny that at the time you think of them as being the worst thing ever and then later on you realize there's kind of a gift in some of that weird angst yeah especially as an artist as someone who creates things like to be able to pull from that those uncomfortable moments I was just looking over one of my like earliest sets like one of my first things that I typed up for my first open mic and it was so sad. Everything ends like my punchline for every joke is like that's because I'm pathetic. That's because I'm a loser and I was like what a dark place to be in or that's like my best punchline for a joke. Well, when you started doing Kill Tony, how long had you been doing comedy? I think I was maybe like a year in, give or take.

But once I started, I wasn't 21, so I ended up having to wait like six more months until I could perform at the comedy store. Right. Because I had gotten kicked out for not being of age. And so once I was back in then I started doing it but I think it had been like maybe a year into stand-up the comedy store is a place where you can only perform if you're 21 but when I was a kid you could perform when you were 18 but you couldn't drink until you're 21 I didn't know though I didn't perform until I was 21 because I thought you had

to wait so I waited till just a little bit after my birthday. I was there on my 21st at midnight. Really? And Red Band gave me $21 because it was my 21st birthday. And I was like, I'm going to keep coming here on my birthday. I'm making a little cash grab out of this. So every year, you're like, next year I got 22 bucks in the bank. Yeah, I'm like, September 8th, be at the store store brian but you started when you were how old though was the first time you were on stage i think my first time on stage was when i was 18 maybe 17 i went to the laugh factory so you don't care at the laugh factory they don't give a fuck you'll be two years old totally jamie will try to manage you yeah well it's funny because i had i had been going, I'd been sneaking into the Laugh Factory using my sister's ID to get in,

and I would watch all the shows there, and I wanted to do stand-up. And I asked, Dane Cook was there one night, and I asked him after one of my shows, I was like, I want to do stand-up, but I'm 17. I don't know if I'm allowed to. And he was like, you can do it and he was like Jamie she's 17 can she do the open mic and Jamie's like how the fuck are you inside this club and I

was like I don't know I'm actually 18 maybe and so then I went home and I wrote that first set and I signed up the next week I was too late to the sign up so I had to sign up the next week so I guess my first open mic. But he said how the fuck are you in the club yeah and he didn't recognize you when you came to the club again he wasn't there for the open mic but he said if you're underage you can do the open mic because it's during the day it's like 2 p.m on a tuesday or is it really yeah what kind of crowd they have um it's a it's it's tourists who are going there to like sign up for open. That was how it was when I was there. I don't know if it's... Well, they always have the weird thing

where they made everybody line up around the corner and wait all day. And everyone's just driving by like, who are these? That was a weird strategy of making people line up and you had to keep your place in line. So if you wanted it, you had to stay out there all day long.

What time did the lineup start? I think the lineup started at, no, it started like 2 p.m. Oh, okay. So it's like, it's everyone who doesn't have a job is signing up for this open mic. And then you're signing up for the next week, right? Which is, starts at like 6 p.m. or something like that, maybe five. But you're not signing up for the same week, right? No, you're signing up for the following week. So the first time I got there just to sign up to perform the following week, I got there like an hour early and there were already 16 people in line and they only take like the first 15.

Really? So then the next time I got there, I got there like three hours early, packed a lunch just in case, and then I did my first open mic. But I didn't do it again for like a year and a half after that. What made you decide you wanted to be a comic? Did you have a comic that you admired was it i looked up to dane cook and then um and he was my sister would pick me up from school in like fifth grade and she would be playing his albums and it was like the funniest shit i had ever heard and it was like jokes that I would quote and I was

like that's so cool that someone could like tell jokes that people just say in day-to-day life you know and then when I grew up and I was going at this time I fifth grade so like maybe 10 yeah and then when I was in high school I would go to the laugh factory all the time and I looked up to D'Elia and I would watch him perform all the time. And I remember I was going there so often that Dom Herrera was like, are you stalking me? While he's on stage, he's like, are you stalking me? And I was like, I just want to be you, Dom. And so I think I just knew I didn't.

I was so naive that one day I was at the Laugh Factory and they were doing a new material night. And I was like, these these people aren't just coming up with this off the cuff they're writing and working on it that means that if I write and work on it then I can do it and so that's when I went up to Dane Cook after a show and was like how do I do this wow and he was really nice about it and it was eight years ago then uh yeah yeah eight years ago i did my very first open mic oh yeah and did you know immediately after you did it this is what i want to do oh yeah did you get any laughs yeah did you i have the video on my computer do you remember your first joke yep i'm not gonna say it i am not gonna say it you don't have to but it was it was bad but i think i like told the jokes in a way that was confident well no actually it wasn't no i take

that all back i was shaking on stage so bad was it the first time you'd ever done anything scary like that yeah the first time i really put myself out there in that way but you did the radio but I think it's I but that's pre that was pre-recorded you know I was in a studio I would show up they're telling me who I'm calling what the point of the phone call is like it felt like a controlled environment if a call didn't work out they scrapped the call we call another place seriously though imagine if you did become successful and you had to give Ryan Seacrest 20% forever. Yeah. It just sits with you. I don't know what that would have looked like. Hell. Yeah. You'd be pimped out forever. He'd be calling you. You know, I got a lot of people

that I'm getting 20% from Allie, but I'm not getting much from you. Let's see some movement. Sorry, Ryan. Sorry, Ryan. Come on, get to work. Yeah, that would have been awful. That would have been so much stress. But he does that. He did it with the Kardashians, right? He produced the show. I think he made some sort of weird deal

where he gets a percentage of them. Oh, I bet. Gets a piece of the action. I bet. But they're bringing in a lot of money. Oh, a spectacular amount of money. Oh, yeah. But they're not going to do it anymore, apparently.

I think people were upset about that because they made it seem like they were done with it. But I believe they are still producing a show but on a different network. Oh. So many. 20 seasons of it. Jesus. So do you think they're going to probably want to cut Ryan Seacrest out? Like, I'm tired of this shit.

Maybe. They can have their own streaming app probably, right? Something like that. Oh, if they did that, Jesus Christ. If they just did some OnlyFans type deal. Yeah, I mean. Or Patreon. Yeah.

A lot of people went the Patreon route. People make big money on that. Oh, yeah. Tim Dillon's making like 100k a month why are you writing them out it says it on his profile if you just look at it yeah it's public tim's balling i know it's falling out of control he moved to texas he's out here oh yeah nice you knew it right everyone's out here a lot of people are out here sagura moved down here they're they're officially moved yeah but they're still in LA right now till the end of the month

woo it's exciting all your friends Joey Diaz is not though he's in New Jersey eating pizza he likes Jersey I guess that's the thing people realize they can kind of be anywhere now to some extent

you can to some extent joey was not a hollywood guy and once he became successful with his podcast and stand-up like he does not like that acting world of dealing with like you know people that are let's just be kind and say disingenuous you know he would get so angry he fucking hated know, he would get so angry. He fucking hated them. Yeah. He would get so mad. These fucking actors. He would just get so furious.

Because he's just like, you know, this former criminal. He's an ex-con, you know. He's a felon. It's like his... Can't relate to the pretty boys and girls. He can't relate to bullshit. Yeah. It's not pretty.

It's just bullshitters. Mm-hmm. You know? It's just a weird environment. Do you know if he's doing shows out there or if he's laying low right now? Yeah, he's been doing shows. How often are you able to get up out here? As much as I want.

During the Chappelle shows, we were doing quite a few. I do regular shows in town here. Yeah. But right now I'm busy trying to get the club up and running. And once the club gets up and running, once all the pieces are in place, you know, it's going to, it's quite a project, the idea of starting a comedy club. Yeah. That seems like a lot of work. It does seem like a lot of work, but it also seems exciting, right? Because it's like something where you're starting it from the ground up. So it's this completely new thing, and it can kind of go a lot of different ways,

and a lot of different things can happen. And it's like new things, completely new things where you don't know what's going to happen one way or the other. Those things are very exciting. It's scary, but it's exciting are there different rooms in there or is it one mate can't even talk about it oh i like that yeah because some incorrect information is leaked out but there's a confidentiality agreement in place until until the everything. Mom's the word. Well, I'm excited to see. It's so crazy that you're doing this and to get to see it all unfold and looking back five years from now and seeing what comes.

I think it's going to be awesome because the goal is to do it the right way and just to make it an awesome place for people to work and an awesome place for people to see comedy. So make it as fun and as comfortable for the comics as possible, as welcoming to the comics as possible. You know, I want to set up a restaurant there so people can, like, comics can eat there too. Yeah. Good food because comics are unhealthy. Kind of like a comedy cellar vibe? I haven't been in the cellar since the 90s yeah but just something where it's like there's healthy food it's a warm inviting environment so even

if you're not like say if you're working somewhere else when your set's over just come down like people be there hanging out it'll be fun there's gonna be a whole comedians bar like the back bar of the store that I'm setting up I'm making it so that it's as welcoming and as fun for comics as possible and the whole idea is just to make it so that I can

like as a service to comedians and to comedy are you in a rush to get it done or are you just taking your time with it? I want to do it right. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to take too long, but I want to do it right. Yeah.

That's as much time as it takes to do it right. But I just want to get it going, you know. I just feel like I've just stopped and thought about all the things that I loved about the store and all the things I loved about other places and all the things that I wish that comedy clubs had and so I'm taking it from there and design it from the jump like there'd be a you got to have a place where comics can chill they don't get bombarded by people because there's always weirdos want to sit next to you and take pictures of you and it just it just gets too sometimes, especially when you're preparing to do a show. There's some clubs, like here's a perfect example,

the hallway to the OR. It's an impossible place to be. Impossible. Everybody's talking out in the hallway, and if you have a set, there's always someone who wants to grab you, and, hey, can I take a selfie? Like literally about to go on stage.

Yeah. Or, you know. And then you have to be like a dick right before you perform and the bathrooms are right there yeah you're standing in the hallway so the people are going down there and people can see you in the hallway and then they get up and they yeah and they come over yeah yeah and they don't care if you have your notes they don't care and you're like so you have to hide so you can either stand that little waitress stand yeah which you're always in the way the waitresses are trying to get get, excuse me, excuse me, I'm sorry.

It's just that the way the OR is set up, the inside is fucking amazing. It's one of the greatest inside clubs, but it's the worst set up of all time. And then the waitresses have to go through all those fuckheads to get to the stage with the drinks and not have them spill. So they have to come out of that back bar

and then walk through the swinging doors and then go down the hall and then up the stairs. It's ridiculous. It's narrow. And what's even worse, the fucking belly room. They have to hike it up that crazy flight of stairs with drinks. Those girls must have some fucking jacked legs because they're walking up

there with these stacks of drinks and then you have this insanely tight room where you're supposed to have 70 people but you always have 100 yeah it's packed out yeah it's always ridiculous and so many people are standing like you remember in the back area we used to do like stand up on the spot everybody would be standing in the back because there was no more seats come up and they're just watching and yeah so there's places there's things about the store that i thought were perfect and there's things that the store like this needs to be fixed yeah so i'm gonna apply that information but most important make it as comic friendly as possible yeah make it so they feel like this is home like they feel comfortable there.

Because it's so special. Once you find that in a club, it's like you have better sets because you feel comfortable. You're relaxed. You know the people there. You know how you're going to be treated when you get there. And then you can just be let loose on stage. There's nothing to like think about in terms of like. Exactly.

Yeah. That's the goal yeah well you know if there was a place like that already here i wouldn't have to open up a place it'd be awesome but right now there's you know smaller places that are trying to kind of getting together and figuring it out but the scene here is tight it's it's strong and it's it feels good and because all these people are moving here it's got a lot of energy to it. It feels like it's very energized. Yeah, it's very exciting. Like walking around, I went to Vulcan, the Creek in the Cave, and Paramount Theater.

And just walking around the city is just really fun. Yeah. Everyone's fired up. Yeah. Yeah, it's whenever something new is happening. And there's like this exodus to Austin. Texodus. Yeah.

That's what I heard. Someone said Texodus. That's a good name. That's what it's like, though. And because of that, just things are stimulated. There's like a feeling in the air of newness, of novelty. Like, wow. Because you don't usually get a chance to be at something where something is really happening right now and because of covid

everything was kind of forced to happen you know especially with los angeles still hasn't opened up comedy clubs which is fucking crazy i don't know what's going to happen june 15th but apparently they're going to open up a lot of things but i don't know what that means but i think at a very limited capacity is that what it is i think so i don't think that's what they're saying i think they're saying 15 or 20 capacity june 15th but oh no i don't think so i think june 15th what california is basically saying is they're going to open everything up on june 15th because that's quite a while from now. It's two months. I think the idea is that everybody will either be vaccinated or dead. And then by the time, or starve to death.

And then they'll figure out a way to open it up. It's not funny. Don't laugh. We're bad people. Don't laugh at death. We're bad people. Yeah. I don't know.

And it's also, he's getting recalled. I mean, you want to be cynical the governor's getting recalled what does that mean they're going to have another election oh yeah they're going to try to get him out of office

so because of that I'm sure that had a motivation to get him to do things quicker for sure but that's also it's like he keeps going back and forth

it's so hard to keep track that's why I'm like oh I think it's 20% because one time I read that it was and then it's going to be like 75% imagine if the comedy store opened up and 200 armed cops were there like that like that church that's the kind of shit you're dealing with with government

government is supposed to be people that are working for the community they're supposed to be working for people as soon as shit like that happens with that church you realize like oh this is what happens when people think they're just allowed to tell people what to do and other people have to listen. And it's mindless. And the compliance is mindless. That's what it is. And they think they're doing it for a good reason. See, the thing about COVID is it's like one of the best reasons.

Like you're putting other people at risk. You're putting other people in danger. So, therefore, we're going to shoot you. We're going to show up with 200 cops and fucking mace you. It's just so weird. It's such a weird year. We had to rethink society. And the vulnerability of our civilization has been exposed in a way that you would never think that something that has a 99 point whatever

percent survival rate would expose you would never believe I mean what is the actual it's hard to tell like I've heard it's like a one-tenth of one percent survival death rate if you want to really be honest about it I don't know what it is but whatever it is it's less than one percent of the people get it die and it's just wrecked the entire country yeah it's wild and i imagine something don't you think something like this is likely to happen again at some point in the future like do you think that this event will help the way that we go about it again? Or do you think it's one of those things where history repeats itself and no one will really learn? We'll be better prepared. There's two things that can happen. This is, you can be

cynical. Here's the cynical perspective. The cynical perspective is that it becomes an incremental power grab. So like, there's a lot of things that happened after 9-11 where the government stepped in and started doing a lot of shit that they were never doing before, like the NSA wiretapping, where there's just overall broad, widespread surveillance of the American people that Edward Snowden exposed and that WikiLeaks is sort of exposed and all these different whistleblowers have exposed. There's a lot of shit going on that they, it allows them to do a lot of things

without needing warrants, without needing a lot of what they normally would have used before September 11th but because of the Patriot Act then the Patriot Act too they were allowed to do all this shit and all that's the justification was hey we don't ever want a terrorist attack like that to happen again so then the TSA is in place right and then the TSA is telling you the you know you have to take your fucking shoes off because some dude tried to blow his shoes up. And, you know, everyone's getting constantly checked and frisked and let me look in your bag. Yeah, I was watching the Snowden movie that Joseph Gordon-Levitt is in.

And I was always kind of the person who's like, who cares if the government's looking at my phone? Like, I've got nothing to hide. And that movie kind of made me realize, like, it's not about that've got nothing to hide and that movie kind of made me realize like it's not about that you have nothing to hide it's the fact that you should be able to google whatever you want yeah and not have anyone like privacy is important even if you think you have nothing to hide it's like it can all be kind of used against you in some way or another and it can be used against you disingenuously yeah like you Like, you could look up how to get rid of a body.

It doesn't mean you're a murderer. I've looked it up. I have too. But if you're thinking around, like, how does one get rid of a body? You just can't have people that have that kind of power over other people. It's the same thing as those 200 cops

showing up at the church. Why are they doing that? Because they haven't thought it through? Okay, and that's what people do when they have power over people. That's did you see that cop that pulled over this? he pulled over An officer in the army a guy was a lieutenant and was yelling on the guy was nothing but polite wound up macing them Why not macing him macing the, pulled him out of the car, assaulted him, like fucking manhandled him for nothing, did nothing, maced his dog, his fucking dog got maced,

and then had to let him go because the guy did nothing wrong. And now they fired the cop. But just imagine that this is happening where people aren't getting filmed all across the country for years and years and years and years and years. Why? Because we've allowed people to have this unfettered power, this unstopped power. And some people are just terrible at that. Now, if that guy got pulled over by a great cop, first of all, maybe a great cop would have never even pulled him over. But if we got to see that, hello, sir, how are you doing this evening? And the guy said, oh, I see you're in the service. What rank are you? I'm a lieutenant. Thank you for your service. And then all of a sudden they have this nice

conversation. Oh, I thought this was going on, but apparently I'm wrong. Have a good day, sir. And everybody's like, oh, a cop experience can be friendly and positive. Now that's a lot of the experiences that people have with police officers. But you never get to see those because the ones that horrify people are the ones that go viral like this one. I think because you would expect the police to be looking out for you and be treating you in the way of that. Those fucking cops. So many cops have PTSD. They're all whacked out. There's a giant way of that. Those fucking cops, so many cops have PTSD. They're all whacked out.

There's a giant percentage of them. I don't know what the number is, but how many cops have seen people murdered? How many cops have seen pulled up on car accidents and suicides and child molestations and all the fucking horrific shit they see? How many have lost friends? How many have been shot at?

How many have been in gunfights? And then every day, is this the last day of their life? How many lost friends? How many have been shot at? How many have been in gunfights? And then every day, is this the last day of their life? And they're all hopped up and stressed out and fucked up. Yeah. And then some of them are not bright, too. How about that? Some of them are great.

Some of them are brilliant. They know how to handle people. They have good psychology. They're good, solid people with solid character. And other ones are just shit bags that wanted to be tough guys yeah and now they got a gun and a badge and they can tell you what to do and they will get on the fucking floor get on the floor and you're like jesus christ and you've seen it we've all seen it we've all seen those videos yeah do you get out of like tickets or anything if i did i wouldn't tell't tell. I'll tell you off air. Okay. I'm not a bad guy.

No, of course you're not. What are you trying to say? Nothing. I watched City of Lies over the weekend, which is about, it's Johnny Depp, Forrest Whitaker. The movie was made four years ago, maybe. What is that? Oh, that's the one about the biggie murder.

Yeah. I looked up afterwards how much of what they put in the movie is true or based off of fact. It seems like they put in the movie is like true or based off a fact it seems like almost all of the movie is based off a fact however like the acting it's about the rampart division right that's where the that's where i didn't want to like spoil sting but that's where like the there's a line apparently according to the movie that's drawn where there was a cop that could have said this is what it really is but they went with the Rampart thing anyway

which buried all of this other information and evidence and all sorts of stuff. Oh, you're spoiler alerting us. Fucked it up already. Sorry, the book's been out for 15 years. Yeah, but the movie hasn't. The movie's been out for a long time. I didn't spoil much of the story.

The movie hasn't been out for an hour. Nobody's seen that movie. No one's not going to not watch the movie because I just said that. You just ruined it for everyone. I'm never watching it, Jamie. I'm so sorry. You really killed my vibe today.

There was a good article about that whole thing in Rolling Stone a bunch of years ago. So the guy who wrote the book probably wrote that article. He was a Rolling Stone contributor. That's who Forrest Whitaker's character is. The movie is an L.A. Times writer. Rolling Stone contributor. That's what Forest Whitaker's character is. The movie is an LA Times writer.

I don't know what they kind of fudged there. Fucking crazy story. Yeah, it's a crazy story. It's called City of Lies? Yeah. It's a book called Labyrinth, I believe. L-A-B, like Labyrinth. Well, it's a perfect example of cops out of control.

The Rampart Division was out of fucking control. And this is coming from a friend of mine who was an la police department guy he worked for the the cops and he was telling me why couldn't i say officer the word officer i couldn't find it he was an officer um he was telling me how fucking out of control they were he's like these guys just saw a lot of people making millions of dollars selling drugs they saw murders they saw these different things And then cops got paid to do detail, so meaning they got paid to do security at a lot of these places where criminals were doing things, whether it's people in the rap industry or whatever industry they were in. And then they got closer to some of these criminals, and then some of the cops became –

that's one of the things that happens to undercover drug dealers or undercover DEA agents. Sometimes they turn because they they realize like jesus christ like what am i doing i'm i'm making fifty thousand dollars a year this guy's making fifty thousand dollars an hour yeah like what is what is happening here why am i wasting my time and then they turn and they wound up doing these they wind up this one of the things that happens is you're undercover and you're pretending you're a drug dealer and then you just become a fucking drug dealer yeah it's like what's the other movie like that with i think denzel washington i just watched that for the first time yeah that's a great fucking movie that's a great fucking movie the whole time yeah that's

a great fucking movie it's so good that might be about the rampart i think so it's loosely based off of it well undercover cops becoming corrupt and corruption in police departments is as old as time there's always been a problem with it and the documentary the seven five is uh an amazing example that it's It's a fucking incredible movie. That's Tiller Russell's documentary. He's the same guy who did the movie, what is the? Silk Road.

Yeah, Silk Road, but the other one. Odessa, Operation Odessa. Oh yeah, that's another documentary. That's amazing. That's another documentary that he did about, I don't even want to tell you what it's about. I just want you to watch it. Okay.

What's it called? Operation Odessa. Okay. It's wild. Where do I watch it? Netflix. Netflix. Yeah.

Okay. Netflix. But it's – the 7-5 is a great insight into how it goes wrong with cops because this guy, Mike Dowd, who's sort of the main protagonist, well, he's not even, he's a bad guy. It's like he becomes a bad guy like almost right away and then gets worse and worse and worse as the story goes on like as he gets deeper and deeper involved in corruption next you know he's like he's selling drugs he's robbing drug dealers and it's madness driving a corvette to work and everybody's like where the fuck you getting this money like they were just living like crazy people doing coke on the job and they're cops and this was like rampant through the like have you seen cocaine cowboys oh my god that's the best That's the best. That's the best. The best corruption, like see how things go wrong with crime and cops.

The entire one year, the entire graduating class of the police department in Miami either was murdered or went to jail. The entire graduating class. Whoa. They were just wild people. And everyone was doing coke, and everyone was selling coke, and the cops were corrupt. What year was this, roughly?

80s, Miami Vice days. Good time for coke. Well, that's what made Miami. Yeah. My friend did his residency there. He's an ophthalmologist. And he said it was the fucking craziest place to be. He said every day you see people with a knife in their back, gunshots,

this, that, like it was just cocaine murders, cartel murders. It was just chaos. And he was in the emergency room because, you know, he was was a young med student so he's dealing with this just all day day in day out and he had pictures this is back when you had like polaroids er doctors that's nuts yeah it's nuts because you never know what you're gonna get especially when you're dealing with cocaine wars and now it's all fentanyl. You need to watch Cocaine Cowboys. Okay. And there's Cocaine Cowboys 2. Oh, the sequel. Both of them. More Coke, more Cowboys.

Billy Corbin is one of the best documentary makers of all time. He's amazing. He's a guy out of Miami. I've had him on the podcast a couple of times. He also did this great documentary on steroids in baseball with A-Rod called Screwball, where he used little kids to play the roles of the the the the steroid dealer and the baseball player used little kids and the little kids would lip sync what these guys actually had said in real life it's the most creative and interesting way to

make a documentary but he used like child actors yeah to like a child actor to pretend he's A-Rod, a child actor to pretend he's a steroid doctor. It's hilarious. I'll watch it. That's it. So he has little kids in all the roles. So he's got a little kid that plays the doctor. And it's like, how did you even think that's a little kid that plays A-Rod?

And you're like, how did you think to do this? It's such a brilliant way of putting together a movie that is so unusual, but it makes it funny. And the story's so crazy. You're like, is this all true? And it is all true. And a kid is telling you that it's true. So he did that, but he also did Cocaine Cowboys 1 and 2. And those are two of my all-time favorite documentaries.

I'll watch them. You have to. I'm down. Now you must. Okay. Okay. Okay. Why are we documentaries. I'll watch them. You have to. I'm down. Now you must. Okay. Okay. Okay. Why are we arguing?

I don't know. Jesus. I have to go pee really bad. Oh, do you? We should go pee. I was going to bring a diaper because last time I had to go pee, I was like, maybe I'll just really commit to sitting. You don't need to do that.

Okay, I'll be right back. Go pee. Jamie and I will. Don't talk badly about me. We won't. Okay, I'll listen back to the episode. No, there's a fucking TV screen out there. You can listen to us. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay, I'll listen back to the episode. No, there's a fucking TV screen out there. You can listen to us.

Oh, okay. So as you walk out, we can talk shit the moment she shuts the door, and she'll have about 30 seconds where she won't be able to hear us. So what's going on, Jamie? Anything else new? No, that movie was surprisingly good, I would say. And that movie was delayed because of all the scandals with Johnny Depp and

he apparently won't, according to Stan Hope, you know Stan Hope's buddies with him, he won't let this lawsuit go. I would cynically say, yeah, sure, that's why it was put on the shelf, but like, after watching the movie, you'd be like, I don't know, maybe they didn't want the movie out because they're

letting out all the details. But, I mean, the book is out. I don't know. You know? Oh, you're going all cloak and dagger on me, Jamie. It's fun to go that way. I understand. You do love to go cloak and dagger, though.

Why not? Yeah. I mean, so, like, they have big ears and mom. One day, ladies and gentlemen, Jamie will release a documentary. He's been working on a cloak and dagger case of utmost importance. I don't know about that important. Well, it's interesting. I mean, you're, I would say it's clearly a bit of an obsession with you.

No, because I like... No, obsession's a bad word. Yeah, because I don't look up information. I don't even try looking into it. But obsession sounds negative. I shouldn't say a passion project. A focus. Yeah, yeah.

A focus, yeah. I'll put it down for three or four months at a time. But you're the guy that I always, if you and I are talking about a story, you're always like, yeah, but maybe. You're the yeah, but maybe guy. Especially after listening to that book, War is a Racket, it's very quick.

I listen to the audio book in 45 minutes. It's a 50-page book. Yeah. Hearing him talk about things from 100 years ago in the context of today, you're like, did he write this yesterday? I know, it's nuts. And he didn him talk about things from a hundred years ago and the context of today, you're like, did he write this yesterday? I know it's nuts. And he didn't know about X amount, like all the, what, World War II, Vietnam, Korean War, all these wars didn't exist. It's always been like that. I think that's, you know, Nero burnt Rome, you know, it's, they've always done things to try to force people into wars and to force people to be compliant.

I mean, Operation Northwoods in the 1960s, they were going to blow up jet airliners and blame it on the Cubans and force us into war with Cuba. That's, you know, Hitler burned the Reichstag. They've always done things like this. People have always done sneaky shit in order to get people to do what they want them to do, in order to start military actions. That was quick. It was very quick. What are you, a bucket?

You just open the bucket and dump it out? Was it quick? That was crazy quick for a P. I started another one, which I'm a grain of salt. I almost put it down because this is a little bit much. It's from the 70s. None Dare Call a Conspiracy or something like that, I think is what it's called.

Oh, what is that? It's written by someone from the government, like a congressman. Almost the same book written like 60 years later, a little bit longer, talking about how the media doesn't talk about conspiracies because it's all a conspiracy. What do you think they're going to write

about this Jeffrey Epstein shit? You want to talk about one of the craziest conspiracies of our time? I mean, this one reads like a fucking movie. You got a guy who's supposedly a billionaire that is probably working for some intelligence agencies, maybe foreign intelligence agencies. He flies wealthy people, famous people, scientists, technological people. He flies them all to the island where they may or may not have fucked underage girls that they set up with cameras. So they filmed heads of state, billionaires, all these people on an island

fucking underage girls, allegedly. They catch him. He goes to jail, but gets the most gentle slap on the wrist sentence ever. Journalists start trying to figure out why the fuck does he get this little slap on the wrist sentence. This goes on for years, and finally, from people writing stories about it, they arrest him again. This time, he's going down. And when people realize he's going down, they kill him in jail. And then there's stories about all these different hedge fund

people that give him millions of dollars. Some guy gave him a fucking house in Manhattan worth 60 million bucks. All these different people are involved in it. Bill Gates visited with him and after he'd gotten arrested the first time, had been involved with him. All these different people have done things with him. All these different people have been to parties at his house. All these different people. It's fucking wild. And then the guy gets murdered in jail

when he's about to testify. And all the cameras are broken. Yeah, it doesn't matter. Oh, no, he killed himself. Sorry, sorry, he killed himself. What happened? What's going on with it with jizz jizz lane jizz she's um she's for sure gonna sing if they let her but who knows yeah i mean

once they killed jeffrey epstein in jail and then pretended that he killed himself which is kind of hilarious hilarious how the cameras were broken i mean it really is like a scene in the movie right, the camera's broken. Didn't work. How did he kill himself? Well, I guess he just hung himself or something. Do you think everyone who is in the guest book or whatever who flew there was involved? Or do you think some of the trips were innocent?

I think for sure some people were probably innocent. Some people were probably coerced into doing something. They were probably compromised. You know, especially you get like these nerd scientists and you, you know, you get them around hot girls. I mean, they're probably like,

probably can't believe these girls are even talking to them, even if they don't do anything with them. They're taking pictures with them. These girls are hugging them and they want to go back again. And they're getting free food and a free plane ride, and then they're getting grants, right? So they're getting money to do these things. I was talking to a scientist about it, and he goes,

it wasn't even a lot of money. He goes, give them like a million dollars for this thing, a million dollars for that thing, to this guy that's supposed to be worth a billion dollars. For him, it's probably a pretty easy investment to get close to these people and to bring them to these parties and take photos with them, always taking photos of people. It's dark because if you want to believe the people that were told

to give him a slap on the wrist the first time, what they had said was that he was above their pay grade and that he was someone that was protected. He was intelligence. What was the one guy who someone that was protected he was intelligence that's what what was the the one guy who had a quote about it remember that we talked about it the guy that said that i was told that he was intelligent that's basically the quote yeah yeah so i i've uh discovered i'm looking up information on uh galane and there's a new website that's popped up today run by her family called realgallain.com. Therealgallain.com?

I guess they're trying to battle the smears the media has painted about her. Okay, but how do they know? One-dimensional character. They've known the real Gallain all all her life not the fictional one dimensional character created by the media it says this website was popped up to counter some toilet flushing smears about her where she's not flushing her toilet

or something like that at her gender jail so she decided that's how she's going to protest by not flushing maybe the media is putting that out about her. So it makes her seem. They probably broke her toilet. And then they're like, this dirty bitch doesn't even flush her toilet.

Look, it doesn't work. Probably took the plunger out, the whole thing. I love that they're outraged about the toilet comment. But her being an apprentice to sex trafficking. They're like, we can let that slide. But if she's clogging the toilets, we need to clear her name. If they have the kind of power and the kind of influence that you would imagine they have, because you have all these people that are on that fly list.

Bill Clinton flew, I think, 26, 28 times, which is kind of crazy. I mean, have you ever flown with your mom 28 times? No. It's like they say, if you go to the barber shop long enough, you're going to get a haircut. You keep hanging around the barber shop, what do you know? You have a buzz cut. We had a nice plane. There was that weird public troll they did, too, with her

when everyone was looking for her. Yeah, she was at In-N-Out in the Valley reading this book. And she had a book about people in the CIAia that are killed what was that about yeah what was the title of the book again it was i don't it was just about cia agents that had gotten i don't remember the title of the book i tried to find it again at in and out staring right at the camera like clearly aware someone was photographing her so creepy it wild shit. And then they find her in a cabin in New Hampshire. Like, what is this, a Tom Clancy book? Like, what is this?

It's so weird. Like, what is going on at this moment that we just have no idea about? There's got to be, like, young Epsteins out there who... Maybe. But this is, like, it's bigger than that because, like, he got all these celebrities to come and hang with him. The people on the list that flew with him, it's pretty substantial. It's probably to even it out, even out the guest book, make it look a little more normal. No, I think it's to make it more attractive to all these other people.

I feel like he probably had an interest in science legitimately, but then on top of that, you can you can learn a lot about things if you compromise scientists i mean you get the most intelligent people in the world and you compromise them and you you know you have access to all kinds of crazy shit yeah it's but it's just so wild it's just it reads like a movie. And you realize, like, oh my God, maybe Alex Jones is right. It reads like a fucking movie. There's two other things. There's a story today that was on 60 Minutes yesterday about putting a microchip under your skin to test for COVID.

It's not an injection. I don't want to freak you out like that. But I looked it up myself. It's there. So it's a test and was it attached to an app i that part i don't understand it just says like it will allow the user to know that you need to go get a rapid blood test i'm like how is it telling you that a buzz just imagine if covid was way more deadly what if it killed like 15 of the people who got it or 20% of the people who got it? We would be living in China.

We'd basically be living in communist China. I mean, we would give up all of our rights for safety. We'd be fucked. And there's a little thing up there. Scroll back up to the title, please. It doesn't say the title. Oh, hell no. Military programs aiming to end pandemics forever. Bill Whitaker reports on Pentagon products

that help combat COVID-19. Help end pandemics forever. And these are microchips. And they'll put that microchip inside you, and that'll stop the pandemic, Allie. Because then when we know you have it, we'll come and get you and lock you up in a jail.

Yeah. And give you jail food. Did you see the movie Kingsman, The Secret Service? No. Oh, I love that movie. That's the people shooting people and stabbing people and doing karate. Yeah, but pretty much they're like... Did you see it, Jamie?

They're like super James Bonds, right? But they're kids, right? No, no, no, they're not kids. They're not? It's in England. Oh. I get turned off by just watching them throw knives at each other and shit. Didn't they do a bunch of things like that?

Yeah, but there's a little more to it. Samuel L. Jackson's in it. Samuel L. Jackson, yeah. He's like this kind of like corrupt dude who everyone thinks is like a good guy because he created, I don't know. He's like a celebrity and then he creates this SIM card for your phone. He's like, I'm giving away free sim cards everyone can put it in their phone that way you know the non-wealthy people can have access to phone usage whatever so everyone's lining up to get these sim cards in their phone and then all you

know he has this control and this power in the sim cards when the sound goes off everyone goes crazy and starts to kill each other. No. And I watched that movie right before getting the vaccine, and I was like, is this my SIM card? There's so many people that think that Bill Gates is trying to put microchips in people. Yeah. That's what this article says. It's like, don't worry, conspiracy heads.

Bill Gates is not trying to put a microchip in you. Bill Gates owns more farmland than anybody else on Earth. Is that true? Yep. He owns more American farmland than anybody else on Earth. He owns all of it. He just keeps buying up farmland. Bill Gates to table.

I don't like that. I don't like that either. Makes me very uncomfortable. Mm-hmm. He's just, I don't trust a guy who dances the way he dances. Can't trust him. Yeah. You ever seen him dance?

No, but he's like an old white guy. It'd be weird if you saw him pop lock and drop it. Some old white guys got a little bit of swagger. A little shoulder. They got a little into it. They got the shoulder. They get into it. You can tell they danced when they were younger a little bit.

Maybe now they got a bad back, but they're giving it their all. He never got invited to any dances. Jamie, pull up Bill Gates dancing. Oh, sorry. He's only 49th on the list. Is Bill Gates on TikTok? I thought you were about to say he's only 49. I was like, oh my god. 49th on the list of what? Landowners.

Oh. Size-wise. Yeah, that's what it says. In the United States? No, not landownersver's, Farmland. Yeah. No. Why'd they say he's become the number one farmland owner in the country? There was an article about it just two days ago. An article from three days ago.

Bill Gates buys a big farm on shopping, or buys big on farmland shopping spree, and then says Ted Turner is ranked third, Jeff Bezos is 25th, and Gates is in the 49th spot by rising. Oh, that's weird. Well, why don't you Google Bill Gates number one land, number one farmland owner in America? Because there was

an article about it just a couple of days ago. That's so weird that it's 49th, and Bezos actually owns more than he does? And this is farmland? Farmland. Yeah, I don't like that. As of January land reports, I don't know if they would have a more updated.

Farmland, the U.S. assets totaling more than one of the largest, but not really because there's 49 people or 48 people ahead of him. He owns 242,000 acres of American farmlands. Mainly in West Texas. The largest holdings. Hold on. Scroll up a little bit. Scroll up.

Largest holdings in Louisiana, 69,071 acres. Arkansas, 47,000. And Arizona, 25,750. Huh. That's not Ohio land. saw 47,000 and Arizona 25,750. Huh. That's not Ohio land. I wonder why someone wrote an incorrect article. Because it gets clicks.

Oh, that's right. Yeah. Oh, by the way, folks, there's a bunch of, there's always going to be that, right? Yeah, this does say on the New York Post, it says he's now the biggest farmland owner. Yeah, so what does that mean? I don't know. Fucking New York Post?

How are they getting it wrong like that? Yeah, I think that's not what I read. That's not the article I read, but it was a similar article somewhere else, I believe. Huh. Weird. Bill Gates, co-founder of Microsoft, has an alter ego. Oh, is this James O'Keefe?

No, it's different. Who's O'Keefe? Eric O'Keefe. Eric O'Keefe. He's got an alter ego. Scroll back up again a little. It says he has an alter ego. Farmer Bill, the guy who owns more farmland than anyone else in America.

Yeah, I don't know why it says that. The Lamb Report scoop made headlines. Dates longstanding interest in climate change sustainability. It's just odd. It's odd when someone's a super billionaire and they're just like owning up all the farmland and trying to vaccinate everybody. Yeah.

And with farmland, it's like all the food. What are you doing? Yeah. You're going to force everybody to eat your farmland burgers? Like, what are you going to make some weird food? Do you have like a garden at your place? No. I should, though.

Yeah. You should get a greenhouse you should get a goat i don't like goats okay i mean i don't hate them but they're not i don't have a thing like you do with goats do you have like a weird animal that you really love uh there's a ringtail cat in my neighborhood what is that yeah exactly a ringtail yeah yeah we caught on A ring-tailed cat? Yeah. Yeah. We caught it on security camera. It's really adorable. This is what they look like. Oh, that is so cute.

Yeah, that little guy. How did you know it was a ring-tailed cat? Well, someone who works for me recognized it, and then we started Googling it. And that's the little guy who, or that's the kind of little guy or little girl that's in our neighborhood. Isn't that cute? Are they friendly or will they like? They'll kill you. They'll bite your face off.

They'll fuck you up and give you rabies. Look at it. It's like a rat. Oh, it's so cute. It kind of looks like an opossum. I love opossums. A much larger rat with a super cool tail. It's so cute.

It is adorable, right? It's like a cat fucked a raccoon or a raccoon fucked a cat. I think so cute. It is adorable, right? It's like a cat fucked a raccoon or a raccoon fucked a cat. I think the cat would do, the cat would be the bottom, right? In a raccoon cat confrontation. I don't know. Cats can be pretty dominant

and top energy. But raccoons are so much bigger in their hands. They can hold the cat. But cats will like sass them into being bottom. Cats will be like, get down, bitch.

But raccoons kill dogs. Didn't you see Old Yeller? Didn't see Old Yeller? Did you ever see Old Yeller? When I was probably two, three. Yeah. I think raccoon killed the dog, right? Isn't that what happened?

I thought one of the parents shoots the dog. Talk about a spoiler alert. Wasn't it that the raccoon had rabies and he infected the dog and then the parents had to kill the dog? Some old school country type deal. Do you like Westerns? I like Unforgiven. That's one of my favorite Westerns.

Is that a movie or a TV show? Oh my God, how dare you? Who are you? I don't know. I'm figuring it out. He was bitten by a rabid wolf in the book. A rabid wolf? In the movie? Wasn't it was bitten by a rabid wolf in the book. A rabid wolf? In the movie?

Wasn't it a raccoon, though? It's just the book. Oh. You are a little fiend with that vape pen. You can't stop. No. That shit's so bad for your lungs. I stopped at the beginning of the pandemic at my mom's house.

Oh, you started up again today before the show? Mm-hmm. I stopped for like two months, and then I was back on. Why'd you get back on it? Because I like it. Oh, okay. The Unforgiven is one of the greatest westerns,

if not the greatest western of all time. It's Morgan Freeman, Clint Eastwood, who's the sheriff? Bless you. Thank you. I'm trying to hold that one in. Gene Hackman.

And I forget who else is in it, but fucking phenomenal. It's like a realistic Western. And it's basically Clint Eastwood did all those spaghetti Westerns. They were all great. All those Western movies, you know, Outlaw, Josie Wales, all that kind of shit. But this is like realism. It's even like the heroics are not that heroic. So many people are cowards. The people that are evil, the way they're evil is believable. It's an amazing movie, if I remember correctly. I haven't seen it in a decade. Yeah. But I remember loving it going. It was almost like Clint Eastwood, as he got older and became a more respected actor and also then became a director, had decided, you know what? I'm going to clean this up.

I'm going to make a movie that's a realistic Western. It's my favorite Western. Yeah. It's a fucking great movie. It's about a guy in, spoiler alert, who used to be a killer. And he settles down to become a

farmer. And then along the way, circumstances and things happen and he has to go back into his his old skills. It's a dark movie. It's heavy. I like heavy very heavy it's a heavy movie but it also makes you realize like my god living back then must have been so hard and it's not that long ago you know

you're talking about 1850 1840 that's not that long ago that's fucking really recent yeah a couple hundred years ain't shit but a couple hundred years ago life was awful it was just awful and that's the thing with now it's i feel like you have to take a moment to be just like as bad as you can make things out to be it's like we'll just take it for what it is. Because who knows if it's going to get worse or better. Well, you know what the problem is? As bad as it is today for a lot of people is the worst they've ever had it. Yeah.

That's the problem. Now, if you talk to someone who grew up in a third world country, if you talk to someone who grew up in extreme poverty or in a war zone their idea of this would be it would be nothing like i had a friend my friend shuki he was my kickboxing coach back in the day and he was from israel you're sucking on the thing again you can't even help yourself i'll put him on no you don't have to i'm just giving you a hard time my friend shuki uh was from israel and he was always happy always happy i remember i had dinner over his house and he was playing the bongos and his wife was dancing his kids dance like everyone's dancing i was like you guys are so happy like why so happy he goes man he goes living in israel he goes it's like you never know like when you're

gonna die he goes like it was just like there's always craziness so like every day that you're alive is party party party, party, party. That's how he thought about it. He was like a real live Zohan. Yeah. That's what he's like. I went to Israel, and I was there for maybe a month. And it was just such a reality shift where you go to a mall,

and there's armed guards standing outside. And then there was like a, an incident where two Israeli kids had been like kidnapped or something. And so everyone was on edge and there were bombs when you're there and you just like, don't even realize it. No. It's, it would be a very different way of growing up. He went back there. Oh, he did?

Yeah. He was living in Tarzana for a while. He had, he was running Majiro Gym, kickboxing gym in Tarzana. He's like, eh, going back to Israel. He's there now. You think he's still playing the bongos? Oh, yeah, he is, 100%. I'll find you his Instagram. He's a great guy.

But he's got this sort of unique perspective because of growing up and living in Israel. It's just like things are just different there. It's just, he's, you know, he's experienced a lot of like shit that makes you, let me find it. Shooky, uh, Shooky Ron, Shooky Ron Muay Thai. So I'll send it to you, Jamie. Hold on a second here. Share. Copy profile. Here, Jamie. It's just that life, the life that he lived in Israel and just living in a place that's so ridden with conflict forever, right?

From the beginning of Israel in the 1940s. And even before then, right? It was just constant conflict. And so their idea is when you're alive and everything's okay, it's like fucking party. And so they're playing bongos and dancing and count as private. Shit. He's going to probably have a lot of requests after this.

Yeah. Yeah. It's, well, I can't, you know, I can't get it to you somehow. What can I do? If we had an Apple TV, you could at least show it on the TV. Yeah. I can't. Can't.

But here's him hitting the double in the back. Oh, he's fit. Oh, yeah. He's in his 60s now, too. Damn. He's in great shape. He's a great guy, though. Now he's going to get swamp in great shape he's a great guy though now he's gonna get swamped but um

we are soft we are and it's not bad that we're soft i think it's it would be great if we never had to be hard but the problem is uh adversity for a lot of people today is overwhelming and the overwhelming adversity of the past year has broken a lot of people there's a lot of people that i can't talk to anymore because the way they handled COVID and the way they would scream at people on Twitter and the way they would act in real life. I'm like, bro, like you got to get your shit together. I know it's hard to see it because I feel like it brought out so many like neuroses in people that was kind of always there, but this really brought it to the forefront. And it's hard to see them have such a mentally difficult response to it. Yeah, it is.

It's just eating away at them. Yeah. It's a test. You know, this last year has been a test for a lot of folks. Some people have come through it really well. Some people have had good times and bad times. And other people have just fallen apart and becoming incredibly neurotic. Yeah.

You know, and you just realize, like, how many people have zero capacity for adversity? They don't have any. They've never played sports. They've never had hard times. And, you know, they just don't know what the fuck to do. Is that him? Oh, that's Shooky. That's Shooky.

He's out there. I found it on YouTube. Oh, that's 2015. I think he was still here. I think that was when he was in America, I think. But I trained with him way back in the day. I trained with him like 2001. He's a fight choreographer for a kickboxing movie.

Oh, yeah? He did a lot of things. He trained a lot of fighters, too. He trained Stan Longinidis, Stan the Man Longinidis, back in the day. He's a great guy. What would your nickname be if you were like a... Don't some people have nicknames? Smokin' Joe, probably.

Smokin' Joe? LOL. Smokin' Joe. I would steal it from Joe Frazier. Respect to Joe. I don't some people have nicknames smoking joe probably smoking joe lol smoking joe i would steal it from joe frazier respect to joe i don't know i don't think i'd have a nickname i don't think it's necessary yeah you know could be fun though there's some good nicknames and there's like a lot of fighters in mma have uh there's too many nicknames like they try too hard they're like really wanting the nickname to catch on well it's just like sometimes you don't if you don't have a nickname just accept it has it been

has it been weird going to like the UFC events without the audiences and no it's been awesome you like it better I love it yeah I love it yeah I don't like it better because audiences are awesome too but it's a different experience like you feel really lucky like when i was at the uh well the stipe miochic francis and ganu fight which was a couple weeks ago that was weird because they started to let a lot of celebrities in there you know like um travis barker was there uh megan fox was there machine gun kelly all these courtney kardash she was there she was there with travis i know all these famous. Kourtney Kardashian. She was there. She was there with Travis. I know. They're a thing.

I know. It's so juicy. I've been keeping up. So juicy. And there was a lot, you know, YouTube stars. But there was an actual crowd this time. There was probably like 150 people. Wow.

Whereas usually it's been like, it started off, it was like real strict, like 20 people and that's it. But this last one, it was like, there's quite a few people at the Apex Center. And then the next one, which is not this upcoming weekend but the next weekend is in florida with a full house in fort lauderdale yeah are you gonna be there oh yeah are you excited yeah yeah i'm excited it's an awesome card but it's also it's gonna be wild to be just that energy is crazy yeah and then there's another one in may in houston that I'm doing that's also full crowd. Hometown.

Yeah. Hometown Advantage. Close. Yeah. And I'm doing a theater in Houston too. Oh, fun. Yeah. I want to do it.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You want to do it with me? Yes. Okay. You, me, and the Golden Pony. Stop.

Stop. Stop. I want to cry. You had the fucking craziest ascent into the arenas of all time it freaks me out thinking about it like if i think about it too long i'm like this is a simulation it was kind of a stupid thing for me to even ask you to do it was it was very stupid i just gave you so much pressure but you handled it so well i feel like you're set at in this is we'll tell everybody what happened ali had done we had done shows because i'd seen her do

the store and i'd seen you do kill tony i have a question okay did you was how so i remember the first time you asked me to do guest spots at the Ice House. I asked you to host, I think. You asked me to... No, I think I was just doing guest spots. The first time? Yeah. Okay.

Because I think you just wanted to see how I would do on a show. Yeah, a real show. Packed house. I never know. Was Tony like, you have to see this girl? Or was it just from seeing me on Kill Tony? Well, I'm always looking for people that I think have talent. Yeah.

Always. And I've got a pretty good record. You know, if you look at all the people that I've, like, Duncan and Diaz and Ari and Segura, like, all the guys that I started taking on the road with me, like, I have a good eye for, like, when you don't know if someone's gonna make it right you really don't but you know if someone can make it and the difference is like do you make me laugh are you funny do i see you've got something and the difference between someone who's got something and someone who's selling out a comedy club every weekend is just time and focus

and sometimes a little boost. Like someone else coming along going, I think you're good. You make me laugh. You can do this. And that happened to me when I was coming up. People did that for me. I'll never forget Lenny Clark who did that for me when I was like a year into comedy. I opened for him and he gave me this huge, like he complimented, kid, you're fucking hilarious.

And all big giant Irish guy with crazy accent, you know, Boston accent. And it was just so, it was, it meant so much to me. I'm like, I'm going to help every comic I can when I can. So whenever I see someone that's good, I've always been like, you can do this. I was taking it like I just did the other day to some some lady that was doing a show uh at Vulcan I was like just keep going you're good you're funny you made me laugh it's the difference between being someone who's funny who's been doing it a year and someone's funny that is is headlining and killing it on the road and got a Netflix special it's just time

yeah it's all it is and I know you want to do it. So just keep putting that fucking time in and you can do it. And then you got to be around people like, you know, other, like Tim Dillon and Santino and there's other comics that are also doing it. And then you're in. You're one of us.

And then it all, next thing you know, you're killing it. So I had seen you perform a couple of times on kill tony i thought you're really funny and tony said yeah she's hilarious and then i saw some other sets and i'm like i need to see a set of hers in front of a regular crowd not like a crowd that's there to see an open mic night but a crowd that's there to see me and my friends so then i said come do some shows at the improv we did a few of those did a few of those. Did a few of those at the Comedy Store. I wanted to test you in a bunch of different ones.

And then I remember it was like you were saying that you were going to be in Vegas. You wanted to know if you could get tickets to the fights. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, you said you were going to be in Vegas. I said I wanted to see you at a theater and you're going to be in Vegas. So I was going to drive out. No, you also said you wanted to see the fights. I know we were talking about a UFC,

and you said, do you think I can get tickets to that? And I said, sure. And then we talked about the show. I said, do you want to go up on the show? And then I was like, could I? Because you had only done... Oh, you took that photo, Jamie. That's you about to go on stage.

And there was an earthquake right before. Okay, that's hilarious. Bad day. That's right, there was, right? In Vegas. So you killed. You went up there loose as a goose. You were focused.

But you can tell you had all this energy because you knew like, holy shit. So you went from doing the improv, which is a couple hundred seats, the main room at the comedy store a little bit more than that and then all of a sudden you're in front of 1300 people and so you get off stage you did great and i said okay do you want to do an arena well first of all I open in front of 1,300 people, which is obviously the biggest show I've ever done. And I'm freaking out because my set was good. You liked it.

And I was like, okay. Like, that was so great. How fun. I get to go to the UFC. Also, Aerosmith is there. Fucking Steven Tyler. Steven Tyler. You hung out with Steven Tyler.

He's like, you have the thickest eyebrows i've ever seen that's badass i was like thank you and then how nice is he he's so nice he's so nice oh i loved him and then we go out to dinner and that was this bruce bruce buffers there yeah it was just so surreal and then you just said to me at dinner you're like i want to do an arena and i was like i was like shaking like a chihuahua i'm like yeah i don't know and that was yeah you fucking killed you really did that was portland right in portland yeah the moda center that was uh i think at least 11 000 people i forget how many it is a big ass fucking place though and it was there's no preparation for something like that i mean obviously prepare you and you were in the round too which is always weird it was weird i was so out of breath when i got on stage because i'm

running up i'm like it takes so long to get on stage after you say my name and then go through all those people too you got to go through the masses to get to the stage it was the coolest thing ever it's a wild way to do it but you only get to do that once like there's no time in your life where you get to go from going to a club to going on stage in front of 1300 people to going on stage in front of whatever it was, 11,000 people. That only happens once where you get a chance to do that for the first time.

So a first time like that is only once. So it was cool that I got to be the person that brought you to the dance. Yeah. Because you handled it. You went up there fucking, I remember we were backstage going, she's fucking doing it.

She's killing it. You were killing it. You were tight, but you were smiling and having fun up there and it it worked you got the crowd going you got everybody warmed up you know it was fucking great it was great it was so fun it was i was really proud of you thank you thank you yeah because it's like i was saying at the beginning of the podcast it's like there's so many highs and lows. And so it's just great to remember, like Joe's not going to bring someone to do that who sucks. No, I know, you know, like I'll have bad sets and it's like that's all part of it, you know, growing and building and getting better. And the bad sets, they they they hurt they feel bad and

it can hurt your confidence but then you have to remember like it's not always you're gonna grow from this and yeah it's just it's a trip look i wouldn't have if i'd been doing comedy as long as you i would have shit my pants i'm sh right now. I would not have been able to do it. I would have panicked. I would have had a panic attack. Oh, I was panicking. All right. But you did it.

You pulled it off. I knew. I kind of knew. I mean, I hoped, but I knew. I knew you were going to. When I saw you go up in Vegas, who did we do Vegas with? We did it with Ian Edwards. That's right.

I remember I told Ian I'm going to bring you to the arena. You did? Yeah. And he we do Vegas with? We did it with Ian Edwards. That's right. I remember I told Ian, I'm going to bring you to the arena. You did? Yeah. And he was like, what? And I was like, I think she can handle it. And then I got to go to the UFC. I just wanted to see if you could handle it, too. Because I knew you could.

I knew if you can just do what you just did in front of 1,300 people, you could do it in front of 10,000 or 11,000 or whatever it was. Yeah. I knew you could do it. Imagine if I bombed. It would have been rough. But I would have said, dude, you're only going to get a chance to bomb one time like that in front of an arena when you really shouldn't have been doing it yet. Yeah.

You would have been fine. It would have been fine. Yeah. But I'm glad I didn't. I would have been hurting for a while. You killed. You did the right thing, too. You started off fun and loose,

and I was like, look at her, like a fish to water. You just took right to it. It's perfect. I mean, that's the thing. When you asked me how I got into stand-up, it's like I've just always wanted to make people laugh. And so when a set goes well and you're able to make a lot of people laugh,

nothing feels better. It's like I'm fulfilling my life's purpose. And if a set goes well and you're able to make a lot of people laugh nothing feels better it's like i'm fulfilling my life's purpose and if a set goes bad i'm like and there's those moments too where like something like that'll happen they can give you a giant boost you know you could do open mics around town and you can grind and that's great for you there's nothing bad about grinding there's nothing bad about doing guest sets whenever you can you know but there's something about when a thing happens where all of a sudden you have this new kind of experience and the the kind of experience like i didn't i didn't do arenas until i did arenas yeah, I didn't do an arena until I was, like, 25 years into comedy, you know? And that's the scary thing,

is, like, as cool as it is and being as somewhat newer into stand-up, you know, it's scary to say I've done an arena, but, like, I'm still really working hard on, like, headlining. Like, this is all still new to me. Like, I did an arena but like I'm still really working hard on like headlining like this is all still new to me like I did an arena before I even headlined and it's like you know I hope people don't think that because I've had these cool experiences that I'm like uh well you're you're still out there grinding I think that's really that's very important like you have to have a varied diet like you like doing those big shows is, but you also got to do these little shitty shows.

You have to do shows where when you get those spots at the store at 1230 and there's 15 people in the audience. The first time I saw Laura, she was on stage. Bert and I had come from the main room. We had a couple of drinks in the back bar and they were walking by the OR. We said, let's just go see who's on stage, Burt and I had come from the main room. We had a couple drinks in the back bar. And they were walking by the OR. And we said, let's just go see who's on stage. And Burt and I sat in the back. And Lara fucking killed. She killed.

And she was loose. And she was just fun. And I wrote about it on my Instagram. And I was like, that girl's a fucking killer. Yeah, she's a machine. She's a machine. She's just fucking funny. And it's like, that's a machine she's just fucking funny and it's like

that's where that's where comedy comes alive it's it comes alive in all these different venues in a big crowd where you get a packed spot in the main room or a little shitty show where it's like you know there's 13 people left in the audience and you go up and you just you catch a vibe you hit the wave and you ride it and they're all like just as important all just as important like doing the 13 or the 13 audience member room in the 10 000 person arena like both like you can learn from any set that you have and no set is necessarily better than the other but i'll tell you an arena feels good how many areas did you do with me i think like five or four it's the craziest thing it's the craziest thing it is crazy it's so wild i know it really is but i'm so grateful because

it's so cool to to not just to do the arena the arena, but to see someone like you who takes someone like me who had only been doing stand-up at that time for like four, five years, to see the way that you treat me and your feature act and the things that we get to do, it's like, that's, that's so fun to witness, because I want to one day have my own arena shows, like, that's my dream, is to be able to be in that position, to, like, you know, fly someone out first class for the first time, and, like, you know, get a big steak before the show, or after the show, and, like, you you know all of those things that's just so special about comedy because like we get it we're all doing the same thing and um yeah you get a chance to do that when you're the person who calls the shots you get a chance to bring everybody with you and say we're all the same yeah the only difference is just one person more people know them that's all it is yeah but we're all doing the same thing we're all doing stand-up you know and that's what i said to this uh lady the other night at vulcan i was like

we're all the same the only difference between you and me is i've been doing it 33 years yeah and you've been doing it a year did you ever think your stand-up would be at the place where it's at when you started in terms of not in terms of like success but in the in terms of like material no no it's terrible i thought it was always going to be terrible that's how i feel right now when i i mean comedy is like it's a it's a build right like you're building a mountain out of layers of paint and every day you're slapping more paint on that mountain and it just keeps stacking and stacking. And then one day you're killing.

Do you feel like there was a turning point? Like, do you remember a time where you were like, oh, this is my groove. This is my voice. This is like my material and like how I tell jokes. Well, it keeps evolving, right? It keeps getting hopefully better if you keep paying attention to but I think around 10 years in 10 years in is around I really kind of caught yeah I caught my wave and started right around 2000 ish 99 2000 that's when I really started to figure out who I was but then also I got real distracted back then too because I was doing Fear Factor so I was working in the 2000s I was working a lot

only in LA because I was so I was so worn out yeah I was so cooked because I was doing stand up and I was doing Fear Factor constantly and then Doug and I did the man show for a couple years in there too and I was just and I was I was not saying no to anything I was saying yes to every fucking show that came along. So I was fried. But I feel like also that experience, Fear Factor and everything, from that probably, even if you weren't doing stand-up as much, allowed you to figure out yourself in a different way outside of stand-up. Yeah.

And bring it back into that. Yeah, you know what it did? It gave me fuck you money. That's what it did. That was one of the best things about Fear Factor. It gave me fuck you money that's what it did that was the good the one of the best things about fear factor is it gave me financial freedom so i was like okay let me put that money aside so if i just live like a normal person i don't ever have to work again so let me just set that aside and then let me just not think like i have to preserve myself and instead think what do i really think what am i really trying to do like what's let me

figure out how to do comedy that i like and then also realize that as great a job as fear factor was it was great to have that kind of an opportunity i love money but at the end of the day i realize i don't want to do that yeah you know it's great to have the money and it's great to have the freedom and that freedom is very valuable because the freedom to not worry about, not make decisions based on money and to not protect, you know, like worry about what you say, I don't want to piss people off and not get a gig or not get to this. That was, that was giant.

And then I really started focusing once that was off. Then I really started focusing on stand up. Have they ever tried to do like hit you up for Fear Factor reboots or anything? We did a Fear Factor reboot for a little bit in 2011. It was a tremendous mistake. I shouldn't have done it. But it got canceled because we made people drink cum. A lot of people do that. Not on TV.

Not that much though. Oh oh it was a large quantity donkey cum it was like uh about the size of this pitcher and it got out on tmz they found out that we had these people i think i remember you telling me this yeah and then it got canceled so i got saved by donkey cum yeah thank god for donkeys because i was like but i was worried they were going to kill people because the stunts they ramped up they made them much bigger much crazier and it was just like jesus christ like it was getting they were getting going a little too far and like a lot of stunt people they're wild folks like the people who test the stunts before the people that are well the people that created them and oh yeah but you got to

realize like people that are in the stunt business that do that for a living they're fucking wild people they're they're they're like they take risks you know like they're hardy crazy people and when you tell them let's ramp this up they're like fuck sounds good let's ramp it up yeah you know there was there were some moments where i was like i think we're going a little too far here folks you know yeah but got away with it i wish i could have done it i'm glad you didn't i want to eat worms or something why i don't know i just want to see like like uh when i'm put in that position what i my what i'm capable of it's kind of like i want to get into like a fight but i'm afraid of fighting but like i want like an altercation at a bar where I can just see like in my natural element how good of a fighter I would be. I think probably not good. Way easier to eat worms than to get in

a fight. Yeah I'd rather eat the worms. You can just eat worms you know. You got any worms? We could film it. We could do it for YouTube. No, you don't want to. Listen. Bring some worms in here. When we would feed people worms, we'd put them on a very specific diet for a long period of time. Like the bugs, they had to eat certain foods, so they weren't eating trash. They weren't bugs that had diseases. Oh, yeah.

They were bugs that had been raised. Vegan bugs. They'd give them specific foods to sort of cleanse their system out. Keto cockroaches Alright dude we gotta wrap this bitch up I gotta get out of here I got a meat tour after this When is your

What are your shows tell people You can go to alimakovsky.com Slash shows I think next I'm going to Washington D.C. And then I'm going to Chicago So you finished your Texas run Yeah Texas is over I'm here to Washington, D.C., and then I'm going to Chicago. So you finished your Texas run? Yeah, Texas is over. I'm here for a week just hanging out and jumping on other people's shows.

All right. Yeah. All right. Well, I'm going to take you to the club and show you what we're doing. All right. Allie Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Joe. Thank you, my friend.

Bye, everybody. Thank you.