The Joe Rogan Experience - #1672 - Iliza Shlesinger

Episode Date: June 24, 2021

Iliza Shlesinger is a comedian, actor, writer, and host of the podcast "Ask Iliza Anything." Her new film, "Good on Paper", premieres June 23 on Netflix.

the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day hello eliza hi joe rogan good to see you as always thanks so much for having me i hear you're a big movie star now i who told you that uh vanity fair or someone they misspelled my name in the article. No. How did they fuck up Eliza? Did they fuck up the last name? It's the last name.

Yeah. Well, that's why you went with just Eliza too, right? You're in that rare group of humans that could go with one name. People are like, who do you think you are? I'm like someone with a complex German phonetic last name. Yeah. Schlesinger. That's a rough one.

Schlesinger. Yeah. It's rough. It's hard. It's hard. See, I fucked it up and I It's rough. It's hard. It's hard. See, I fucked it up, and I know you forever. I'm so used to it, though. And what's weird is people always say it wrong,

and then when they spell it, yes, there should be a C in it, but there isn't. But they'll go to spell it, and they always add a C. I'm like, weird that you don't understand anything else, but you have a firm grasp on German phonetics. Everybody knows there should be a C, no matter how smart or stupid they are. Really?

Yeah. And there should be. We changed it at Ellis Island. Oh, really? Why'd they change it? My great-great-grandpa was like, we'll make it less Jewish. I'm like, I don't think that did it.

Oh, boy. It just made it really hard. Oh, boy. Make it less Jewish. Yeah. That's hilarious. It's what it is. But we try to drop it just for...

But there's like you, Roseanne Sebastian Oprah There's only a few people that can go by one name Winfrey isn't, that's a flex Barr isn't, that's a flex Schlesinger, this is for everyone's mental health I should have done it earlier

But I don't know if Roseanne did it Or if people just call her Roseanne I think it's that Because there's no other Rose if Roseanne did it or if people just call her Roseanne. I think it's that. Yeah. Because there's no other Roseanne. Yeah. Roseanne Arquette. Roseanna, though.

Right. Right. And they don't do the same thing. I don't think people confuse them. No. And who's that character Gilda Radner used to play? Roseanna, Roseanna, Dana. That's such a deep cut.

I feel like most people don't know that. Yeah. They're so young. Well, I'm old. I knew it. I remember those things yeah but it's also like it's comedy history it is yeah she was coming gilda that's another one right everybody called her gilda radner they did they did yeah we did but then there's like a thing like where comics would call eddie murphy eddie a thing like where comics would call eddie murphy eddie but that was almost like a like you're a flex of intimacy yes people do that for chapelle but i think he goes by chapelle yeah like yeah i was at chapelle's like his camp and i'm like you don't know him like that like you bought a ticket summer camp i don't do the last name thing it's a very like familiar people do it it's a very like

jocular like we go by last names and i because mine's so long i no one's ever called me by that if i meet you i'm calling you by your first name okay and it's just i get it i just do yeah or joey diaz calls you your full name he'll fuck up the last thing no last lesson to lesson then i call him joey diaz some people go by both he calls everybody by your full name if he wants to say something He'll fuck up the last thing. No, Liza Slessenden. I call him Joey Diaz. Some people go by both. He calls everybody by your full name. If he wants to say something important to me, he goes, Joe Rogan.

Listen to me, Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan. I'm just calling to see how you're doing. Yeah. He does that too, right? He does that. Yeah, all the time. It's such a Menchie thing to do. It's very East Coast.

Yeah, he's a sweetheart. He really is. People don't understand Joey because of some of the things that he said. If you see it out of context, you think like oh what an awful person? I'm one of the nicest guys of all time you could think that about anyone out of context for sure No, he's sweet man for sure who ate a lot of mushrooms at our last interview And I was I was like do I have to do I don't want I've never seen someone consume so many different types of drugs Like it was candy on a podcast. Just like eating gummies.

I'm like, you know, this isn't real candy. Like this is going to do something. Horking them down. And I was like, this is an hour podcast. Yeah. I don't know if it's the best for the quality of the podcast, but for the actual freak show aspect of the experience, it's off the charts. I drank one.

I had like half a drink. I played Hollywood Game Night once and I was like a little weird on camera and I was like, we're never doing it again. What's Hollywood Game Night? It's like that show. It's Jane Lynch. It's like on, I think it's ABC. It's like celebrities come and they play games for charity.

Oh, okay. And they have liquor there because they're hoping you'll get drunk and like do something. And I had one and I was like, my eyes started, like, you don't want that captured on camera. Yeah. Actually being drunk unless it's for like Worldstar. Yeah, there's not like, how many people have shows where you have to drink on their show? It's pretty rare. I don't think you ever have to, but I think it's always, executives always have this thing.

They're like, let's set it up. Like, it's just a hang. It's an interview, but there's a bar. This is different. This is very relaxed. It's your own thing. But they always want to make it like you happen upon this conversation in someone's living room with cameras yeah that doesn't work

the other thing about those things is like whenever they do try to set up those fake intimate things there's always a bunch of people moving around in the background and you gotta go hey you gotta sit still like you can't just have a conversation like they do they do these things that like i did uh bill simmons podcast and uh i did it when it was on hbo and i was like why do you have so many people working for you right like it's supposed to be just you and me i don't know how to fire them there was i mean there was dozens of people i think you can request like an oprah interview you can request no one else be there i think you could also request that they just all stay in the truck for production but you're just not going to have that feeling like you're hanging if there's a bunch of people walking around in the background you see a bunch of production assistants I would feel like as a comic it would like not bother you or like fuel

you people walking around no because they're not paying attention to you they're doing other stuff they're in it's not like they're an audience watching like you're all sitting down watching that would be fine it's distracting they're moving around yeah it's like they the they try to recreate intimacy in on a set but then they have 20 people working on the production side yeah it's just fucking weird those those shows are weird like they have so many people working there it's. How are there enough jobs for you folks? I feel that way about some YouTube shows where I'm just like, why does it require this much? Why are there so many production assistants?

Exactly. I think people just kind of want to be there and they're like, you can pay me in gummy bears. I think what it is is people want to try to imitate a television show. And if you were on an actual television show, like a CBS show or something like that, there'd be a gang of people on the set. They think it equals value.

Yeah. I know comics that have shows and they hire interns. So they have people that work for them for nothing. Yeah. And they get like school credit. I did that. Did you do that? It's kind of a scam.

Experience, you know, and that's obviously like a privilege thing. Like, oh, I'll just be able to feed myself otherwise and I'll just get this experience. How did you do it? What'd you do it it's kind of a scam experience you know and that's obviously like a privilege thing like oh i'll just be able to feed myself otherwise and i'll just get this experience how did you do it would you do it was a part of i went to emerson and their la program was you move here you stay at the oakwoods um and you intern you take classes at the la campus for emerson but then you intern you know if to apply to an internship like you would a job you know and if you apply to an internship, like you would a job, you know? And so you're there like four days a week doing like grunt work, mostly just sitting at a desk. At least that's what I did. Um, but it's the idea that you're kind of dipping your toe, seeing what you might like, what you might be good at. So it wasn't really. Yeah. Did it like make you think like, okay,

I definitely don't want to work on a set. Uh, I wasn't on a set. I was in, it was the United Artists office and it made me think, I definitely do not want to work on a set uh i wasn't on a set i was in it was the united artists office and it made me think i definitely do not want to log all of these indie submission movies that were like shot on a nokia phone just logging details of stuff you're like no one's ever gonna i would do it for my boss like i'd write all the info in case they ever revisited it but it was just going in a trash hole and when you were you doing stand-up at the time revisited it but it was just going in a trash hole and when you were you doing stand-up at the time that's a great question yes when was your first day on stage in LA ever it's a really my first first first stand-up first first first and up yeah first and up was why is this because I didn't know I just I just want to make sure I answer it precisely yes the first day you're right your

first day on stage doing stand-up it's totally wholly unrelatable but my second to last semester of college i did a semester at sea so you go on this boat with like 600 kids from all over the country and you travel you get to go all these countries and you take classes on the boat oh wow and we would do like you know at night they'd have you know dinner and you'd have a coffee houses like on thursdays and you could sing a song you could do a poem A lot of beat poetry. Oh boy a lot of emotional poetry And I had written as one does a one-man show in college. So I took a couple of those jokes and I Decided I would talk about my observations about the guys and the girls on the ship because it was my first real time around like

Frat guys and sorority girls because I went to like a small liberal arts school and I was just fascinated by the way they were all interacting we were all interacting and observations about the ship and food and whatever common experiences so I got up and I read like a monologue I'd written about what we were going through and it became a thing I did every week and then I took that when I got to LA and somebody said do you want like five minutes at room five which is a bar that doesn't exist above a restaurant that doesn't exist anymore and I just started doing stand up there wow yeah so what year was this that was probably like I graduated college like probably 2005 because I had been doing I did comedy for three years before it all took off.

So when did I meet you? Become friends meet? I always knew who you were. We became friends pretty quick. Yeah. So it's such a nebulous. You think back. You're like, what's 10 years ago?

I know. It's going by very quickly. I've been here a year already. Yeah. Which is crazy. That is crazy. Yeah. I know it's, it's, it's going by very quickly. I've been here a year already. Yeah. Which is crazy. That is crazy. Yeah. I remember visiting you. Yeah. Um, it's cause I, right. I did a drive in here. Um, I don't know. I became a regular at the store probably like 2007. That was right when I left. That's right. Cause you weren't there the whole time. Yeah. So when did I do your podcast? You had a podcast at the Laugh Factory. I did.

Yeah, I was on your first episode. Yeah, you were so kind because you had a podcast. Right? You must have. It must have been 2009 if that's the case because that's when I started. It was way later. Something like that. Yeah, it had to be after 2009.

I couldn't believe you said yes. And I was like, this is it. It's all going to be smooth sailing from here. I got Joe Rogan and you were cool. And I think you came on like my next podcast, like the next iteration when I moved companies. said yes and i was like this is it it's all gonna be smooth sailing from here i got joe rogan and you were cool and i think you came on like my next podcast like the next iteration when i moved companies so you're a giver yeah well you uh you and i have always had a fun relationship yeah we've always uh had a good time a lot of mutual respect i think of you i think of seeing you in the hallway like behind the or and i think of you as not wanting people to bug you so you're in that back bar

Yeah, you're the only comic that probably truly needs to utilize the back area Because people are coming up to you so much that you're like I just need a minute Well the people come up to you with projects. It's not they're not just coming up to say hi minute well the people come up to you with projects it's not they're not just coming up to say hi there's like the store was filled with so many people that had hey man um i want to start a weed strain with your name on it hey man will you wrestle this bear there's always just some some person that thinks that they just got to make a connection with me and that's gonna and meanwhile i'll have like notes out i'll have like a new bit i'm trying to work on so i got notes and i'm going over something and they don't shut the fuck up.

They just won't leave you alone. So you have to hide. You got to go. I think a lot of comics wish like, yeah, I got to go in that back room. I don't want my fans to bug me. I'm like, there's no one checking for you. But I always admire your hustle. You get shit done.

You get after it. You're always doing something. You're always pushing. Thank you. You're always getting going. I respect that.. Thank you. You're always getting going. You know, I respect that. I thank you. I just think it's the odds of anything happening in this career are less than zero.

Yeah. So the more things you try to do at once, the less painful it is when something doesn't go because you have something else to focus on. Very true. Why put all your eggs in one basket if you can have a bunch of other smaller baskets? Yeah. One egg in each one yeah and then maybe one thing catches fire and then put your energy in that and pursue it but that's why i always have three different things going on i always do stand up i always have this and i still do the ufc i don't plan on abandoning any of those i like having that kind of like complete autonomy and financial independence and like not worrying about like, you know, one thing versus the other. Just do them all.

Well, you're very that. You were the architect of your own design and you're very anti. You don't want to be beholden to anyone. Not that anyone does, but like you're particularly opposed to that. And you have always just been like I'm doing this my like you had a podcast and it happened to be like the archetype of all podcasts like this is the podcast everybody wants this is the success that everybody wants when they create their own podcast and you did yours and so people think like oh I'll just build

one like Joe Rogan's and it's like you can't you can't do one like Joe Rogan's because there already is a Joe Rogan one so you've got to you know build your own one but you've everything that you've done is because it was something that fueled you versus oh you have to go you know yeah at least now the reason why I can't have anybody tell me what to do is they would have never let me do it this way like I know it's a dumb way to do it I know on paper all of it's dumb I say too many risky things I have too many risky things. I have too many people on that are controversial. We fuck around.

We do half the podcast drunk or stoned. But that's why it works. Like people don't. But the thing is like going back to the idea of having a bunch of executives and people around. When their job is dependent upon you not doing anything stupid, they're gonna keep you from doing what you really wanna do. Well, everything becomes so watered down. And so everything becomes,

and look, there's a place for it and there's for sure an audience for it, but let's not forget there's executives and then there's the artists. And sometimes your goal is to make art or express yourself or be yourself versus like, I just wanna say these lines and collect a check.

And it's okay to do both. You just have to be very clear on what your objective is. And when you hire someone like me or you, you and I are not alike, but like we're both comics and we both say what we want to say, you know, I'll do campaigns I get hired for. And, you know, they write these lame lines

and I'm like, you can hire a much more attractive girl to do this. You can hire a model. attractive girl to do this you can hire a model you hired me for a reason right I'm not gonna sit here and say these hacky lines but that's why I'm here so in a perfect world we carve out a space for ourselves where it's expected that we be ourselves yeah and the problem with television has always been that there's a bunch of people whose jobs depend on you and it's their sort of goal to make sure that you don't go too far. Because if you go too far,

you say something too crazy, or you say something that's going to piss people off, the show could get canceled. And then they're all out of a job. And then they're mad at you. Sure. And I'm like, yeah, okay, maybe you're mad. But guess what? The whole reason this exists was because of the ability to say crazy shit. It's like Chris Rock's joke. The tiger didn't go crazy. The tiger went tiger. You brought in a comic. You're lucky that I'm sober. It's so little is expected of us.

People are like, wow, she came, she knew her lines. I'm like, yeah. You're lucky. When you hire a comic, you don't know if we're going to bite you. Right. Well, what we're used to doing the open endedness of clubs yeah you know you're showing up ladies and gentlemen please welcome eliza and you get on stage and there's not a fucking there's no direction nothing there's there's just you and an audience and you got a mic and you're talking shit and you're just saying crazy stuff and you it's all you're producing it you you're directing it, you're writing it. It's like Thunderdome.

Yeah. Like there's no, you build this career off of saying the things that you say and people agreeing. And then of course, if you're too loud, people are like, you're just a comic. You can't have an opinion. I'm like, what the fuck do you think this is? My act is all my opinions that you were fine with until you disagreed. Intelligent people can separate the difference of opinion from, I get a lot of people that are like,

I don't agree with you, but you're funny. And I'm like, that's an evolved human. Yeah, there's people that are healthy. There's a couple. They can take it. But comedy clubs are like, when you start out in those, safety is not a concern.

People forget how to act. I mean, I've dumped drinks on people. I have dumped bowls of popcorn on people. Why? For being disrespectful. Oh. You're a 26-year-old girl. Some fuckhead in the front is like texting or talking to you.

I've dumped a drink like with no thought of repercussion. I've been like, get the fuck out. Like, what are you going to do? It's so dumb and it's not a good idea. But sometimes you just see red. Yeah. And you're like, I got to do something it's not a good idea but sometimes you just see red yeah and you just and you're like i gotta do something it's a bad idea i don't endorse it you don't dump drinks on people i've had two people throw drinks at me at the comedy store that's horrible yeah that's horrible yeah two different times from the back or like in the front one guy from the side like

i'm standing there he was he was ruining the whole him and his I think it was his sons It was a guy and his two sons and they were probably there to see you. I don't think so Oh, no, this is the early days and he threw a drink They were just they were ruining the whole show and I started mocking them. They couldn't handle it. They couldn't handle it Yeah, then they got mad. He got up and threw a drink. I'm like, oh you pussy fuck I mean, but that I think that happened I think tammy pescatelli like some it's your biggest nightmare that somebody throws something because you can't see you can't see people don't realize we can't see past the first couple rows it's just a sea of dark and it's this tacit agreement that

we're all there to like do no harm right and so i'm shocked it doesn't happen more well those are the days where the comedy store had no crowd control. People don't know that at one point in time, the comedy store literally had no doorman. There was no one working there but comics. And, you know, you'd have like these feeble kids who are on the spectrum who are supposed to like kick people out. Right. They weigh 120 pounds. Like some alt comic at the front.

Yeah, it's exactly what it is. Like massive social anxiety. You know, you got Josh Martin trying to kick people out. He doesn't want to do it. He doesn't want to do it. I don't want to be here. Yeah, he just wants to tell jokes. Most of these, to this day, most of the doormen are comics.

These are gentle souls. Yeah, but they hired when... There's some bigger dudes there now. When Eric started managing, they brought in some actual bouncers. They brought in some real legitimate bodyguard type dudes. You got to have just some large mounds of flesh there. You just can't let assholes overrun shows. And most of the time it's not the case.

But the one time when the guy threw a drink at me, that was one of the two times. That was a guy who just had taken over the show. Him and his two sons, they were just drunk assholes and they had taken over the show him and his two sons they were just drunk assholes and they had taken over the show and you as a comic you're like at least i feel this responsibility to not at a comp i mean at your own show i feel a responsibility to the people who paid in some cases a lot of money for this experience and this guy's ruining it yeah well also you can't work i mean at the store in particular that you're there to work. You're there to work out some shit. So if you go on stage and you're trying to work out some new bit and some guy's yelling at you, calling you a homo, like, oh, my God.

This was a long time ago. Yeah. It was just him and his sons. You know, just every now and then, that's the weird thing about life. When people say, why do you need a gun? Why do you need a dog? Why do you need security? Why do you need security? Why do you need this?

Most of the time you don't. You're right. Most of the time you don't. But it's not about most of the time. It's about that one time. That's the whole argument for insurance. Right. Or health care.

Yeah. Or, you know, stocking food in your house. Sure. That's a conversation I have. Yeah. It's a good thing to have. Like L.A., you never know when that fucking grid's going to go. It happened to us recently.

The whole neighborhood. Some idiot on Mulholland hit a pole, which I can't believe this doesn't happen more often because the brilliant people of our neighborhood voted to remove a stop sign. They could go real fast. And this woman hit a pole and it knocked out power for thousands of people. And all I wanted was her name all i want just like who is it and as a woman i'm like crap it's a woman but like how is it that's a dangerous turn nobody has ever hit that pole except for you which means it's on you it's not

the road and it was like five days of nothing oh boy so we had to go and buy all the things and now we have them you got a generator we're getting a generator yeah we've got bricks for the phone our neighbor had one but he's not cool so he could hear it the whole time and you're like oh you could hear his generator going and he's an asshole he's not i don't know if he's just not cool is the word i don't know if he's an asshole but i didn't think he i don't know him well enough to be like can i sell him your power for my curling iron? I got to curl these hairs. I got to go somewhere.

Oh yeah. The power is so fucking feeble. I mean, it's so powerful in that it, it, you know, controls everything in the city and we all rely on it. We use it every day and it's amazing.

We're using it right now, but it's so fragile. So fragile, especially LA, la you know we all blindly like we all have our heads down we live there you're paying all this money of course you know that you're losing most of your money to taxes and you're living in multi-million dollar houses and the phone lines the power lines are from the 50s i saw a picture of kim kardashian the other day and she's posing in her outfit in front of like a Maserati. But behind her is like archaic electrical work

because that's what we put up with. You got a $4 million house and there's just spider wires coming out the top. Like that's not a fire hazard. And we all, it's just normal to us that like none of the cables run underground. Yeah, it's true. It's what you put up with. You're like, well, it's LA. Some places have the cables run underground. Yeah, it's true. It's what you put up with.

You're like, well, it's LA. Some places have cables that run underground. Some? Yeah. Out where I used to live had cables that were underground. It was nicer. You didn't have to stare at those fucking poles and those lines overhead everywhere.

Connecting all of our houses, running across. Like when I grew up, you know, you have streets and there's trees and now there's just cables that run across in nice neighborhoods and nobody questions it. Yeah. Have you ever seen what happens when people let those Mylar balloons go and they run into the power lines and it blows out the whole neighborhood? Yeah.

Well, don't use Mylar. There's plenty of those videos out there. It's my gender reveal. Yeah. All we need is one solar flare. One solar flare and it'll wipe out the whole power grid. Do we need it? But that's all we, I mean, we definitely don't.

But like Texas, the whole grid almost went down during the winter freeze. I think they said it was like four minutes away from the entire grid collapsing. I mean, talk about unprepared. My best friend lives here and she's like, yeah, we have no drinkable water. And then like the next day it was 80 yeah that's i'm from here and it's one of like the big sources of pride is like you don't like the weather wait five minutes like they say it everywhere you shouldn't be proud of your erratic global warming weather well i like the weather here the fact that it rains a lot things stay green like california last time i went back it was like everything's so

fucking brown this is california yeah like if it were a sound it's that there's no moisture in the air there's no moisture in the air which is great if if your hair curls but i remember we were looking at houses and i moved south of this house and it's all green there's bushes and my husband was like it doesn't look like this most of the year. Like, just remember this is this hillside. It does not look like Easter most of the year. Right. Yeah. You're just looking at dry brush.

You got like two months of that a year and the rest of it's brown. It's it is. I've said this before. Living in L.A. is like an American Ninja Warrior course of natural disasters. It's on fire. There's rain. We have a homeless problem. No one's allowed to speak about because it makes you a bad person.

We have so many fucking tents in our city. It looks like an REI showroom. It's really dumb. They're just everywhere. Do you know how much money they spend on it? On what? Hundreds of millions of dollars trying to fix the homelessness, and it goes up every year. And the salaries of the people that are working on the homeless problem, we posted them the other day.

Oh, yeah. Six figures, all of them. Hundreds of thousands of dollars. Where's the solution? The top end people are making like 260, 270 a year and nothing gets fixed. And you can't speak about it because I talked about it the other day

and people were like, how dare you ridicule them? I'm like, I'm not. It's the problem. It was just like a fan. I was like, I'm talking about the problem. That's job but it is this like who can out liberal out woke like how dare you mention the homeless excuse me the unhoused yeah the you should lose everything i'm like so i'm part of the problem the unhoused and i do feel bad and it's awful but there does come a point where you're just like when can we address this yeah and have a productive conversation

they don't have a solution and they keep throwing money on it, and it keeps getting worse. And the way a friend of mine said it, he said it really, it's really wise. He goes, they're farming homeless people. He goes, you have to understand that this is an industry where they spend hundreds of millions of dollars on it. It employs a shitload of people. They have great salaries, and the homelessness never gets fixed. And if it does get fixed, those guys don't have any jobs. So, like, where's the incentive?

There's no incentive to fix the homelessness entirely. It's probably, you could probably argue that for almost any industry. $12 billion! $12 billion! Oh, my God. They're raising the stakes. California governor proposes $12 billion to house the state's homelessness. And they're like, we'll just tax teachers.

That's our idea. They'll tax the shit out of everybody. Yeah, that's rough. Look at this orange tan. Oh, my God. We're not handling things too well. Well, they're also talking about raising taxes, too. 46,000 housing units and expanding a program

launched last year to convert motels and other properties into housing. Great. Who wants to live next to those motels? How about nobody? Well, you know, that's something that we, you know, you talk about your local elected officials and I want these solutions and we do need better housing and lower income housing. You know're due it is so expensive we do need solutions for regular people and people who do need help um but it is that thing where what about when you work really hard and you buy something because you want to live somewhere nice and then they put up you know something next to you that it's not about poor people as much as just is that that's too dense people or like a like a very hilly area like laurel canyon where it's already hard to get out and they're going to put more there so you

think about fire plans and escapes and things like that and it's just you're like what about what i agreed to purchase and the vision for that you know and so there has to be a kind solution and there has to be a way to talk about this without canceling people for being nervous. Yeah. Well, it's people that it doesn't affect that. They take that opportunity to virtue signal. I take that opportunity to let you know how terrible you are to not be,

not be accommodating to the unhoused. No matter what else you do in your life, you're a really bad person. That's, that's the, our society is all about like a flash of a moment of a person and they'll kill you and they'll rake you over the coals. And you're like really bad person. Our society is all about a flash of a moment of a person, and they'll kill you, and they'll rake you over the coals, and you're like, really?

Because my whole life has been about charity. They're like, well, one time you passed someone who needed something. You're evil to the unhoused. I have a friend who lives in the Upper West Side in New York, and they put a bunch of homeless people into a hotel up there and said it is a fucking steaming disaster instantaneously he goes you just got people shitting on the street in front of the place doing you know shooting up right there on the street and he's like instantaneously the street changed and now

people are just like moving out and trying to find people to buy their place and just trying to get the fuck out of there and trying to figure out what to do about it but it's so complex and even as i'm sitting here, I'm like, oh God, the DMs I'm going to get from people who also don't live in a city like Los Angeles. You can have this cognitive dissonance of having compassion and wanting to solve something and also wanting to address it

and have your own opinion about it. Or you could do what I did and just flee. Okay, cool. You have a lot of money. And you have a podcast. It seems like the time just flee. Okay, cool. You have a lot of money. And you have a podcast. It seems like the time to flee. Like, someone said something. They wrote an article about me, Elon and me, saying we were cowards for not staying and

fighting to make LA a better place. You're still Americans. You didn't, like, turncoat on the country. You just left a state. Well, they were saying that, you know, you should try to fix L.A. instead of abandoning it. I'm like, you can't fix that place. It's broken inherently. It's broken in structure, in the people.

Yeah. You know what? I'm glad you brought up that you left because I got a take on this. I have a hot take on this. Oh, a hot take. I believe there are echelons of success. And when people, so like you picked up and you moved right you made so

much money from you know your deal and you rightfully want to keep a lot of that because of taxes and I totally get that but especially when you have a podcast and when you are in control like you can do UFC you do the podcast and then you said a third thing these are things that

can be done remotely you don't need to be in LA you're not a movie producer you don't want to be an actor I found out when I tried to get you to be in my movie and you don't like that's not you know you don't want to write movies so that part of the hustle is not your in your purview right so you can do whatever you want to do remotely if I if if you want to have a podcast you can do it from anywhere if you want to be a comic who travels you can do it you want to do remotely. If you want to have a podcast, you can do it from anywhere. If you want to be a comic who travels, you can do it from anywhere. And I think people, you have to pay those dues in Hollywood if you are trying to do something. And part of living there is the difficulty of raising your family, of making a living. This is why it's so hard to make it.

And I think a lot of people before they've made it think, well, I'll just move, but like, I'll still be like, I'll still be in the industry. And that's a gamble. What I give up by living there.

I get back in, you know, meeting a producer at a, at a restaurant, taking that meeting in person, having that audition in person. So you can get to a place where you go, but for there's a medium,

like the group that's like still in that fight and haven't gotten to that next level and then there's the people below that they're like you weren't having much success so you decided to leave and all these decisions are okay but i i can think of a comic off the top of my head who was like i'm gonna leave la i'll come back whenever but i'm gonna do my podcast from like a remote location and you lose the connection to hollywood you cannot have both no because that's not how it's designed if you want to do that if you want to act and you want to do that though especially acting that's the spot to be for sure if it only just to be in it not to get complacent you know yes you could if you're someone like a tom segura or sebastian i

guess i could do it too you could live somewhere else because you're touring so much right right but if you're not at this level where you are you know you're playing these theaters and you're making all this money you want to be somewhere where you have access to as many opinions as possible and you're performing like the comedy store is great because you have a different audience every night from all over and so I think people don't want to admit that and they want this easy life of oh i've moved to austin which is fantastic but it's not the same grind and these cities new york and la produce entertainment because of that hustle and it doesn't mean you can't hustle elsewhere but you have to be very clear about what it is you want to get out of this career yeah if you're trying to do acting there's really one place to live i mean maybe you can kind of live in new york and

you could do austin and ashley you could get parts, but there's something to be said for like Hand to hand combat of like meeting a director meeting other actors and being in the thick of it Yeah And you sacrifice having your kids grow up around normal people and not having a headache all the time by living in LA The thing about this place is opposed to LA though For stand-up if someone wants LA though, for stand-up, if someone wants to be a real stand-up comic,

you could do it here. And you could do it here, I think, in a better way because you're not connected to the system. The problem with being connected to the system is there's a lot of actors

that are also doing stand-up or stand-up who are also acting and they kind of morph their personality to the fit woke Hollywood, you know, and there's, there's a concern with saying certain things on stage is a concern with your ability to express yourself freely.

I, there's always going to be actors who dabble and there's always going to be people who decide to do standup later or take it as like a third career. I think it depends on what you want to get out of this. Some people do stand up as a stepping stone, but I don't agree with you because the market dictates. You could be, you can be saying whatever you want out here and it just doesn't fly in several other states. You know, you can find your audience and if you can create a living, then it doesn't matter. But whether your goal is to be discovered as an actor or to have your don't tread on me freedom of speech at the end of the day If people buy your tickets then you win what I'm saying is that you can be connected to a different industry out here this industry

A podcast so gurus out here. I'm out here Tim Dylan, I think it's moved back to LA. I don't think you found the right amount of fellows out here Plus he's moving Tim Tim bought think he found the right amount of fellas out here. Plus, he's moving. Tim bought a house in the fucking middle of nowhere. I don't understand why he did that. But this is not his cup of tea. But for me, there's plenty of clubs, plenty of places to work out.

There's plenty of podcasts. For you. Yeah. You're already you. Yeah, I'm already me. But for young comics, I'm thinking this is a good spot, too. Sure. Because I think it's a good place to develop. Yeah, I'm already me. But for young comics, I'm thinking this is a good spot too. Sure. Because I think it's a good place to develop. Yeah, you can,

I mean, that also comes down to like, are you a good comic? You can develop anywhere, you can move somewhere. It depends on your goal and if you just want to be a touring comic, that's cool too. And people, you know,

it's cream rises to the top. Yeah, for sure, everywhere. But I think for comics today, the focus should be on podcasts and stand-up. I mean, doing a television show, if that's your thing, but if you want the best promotional vehicle for you, I think it's podcasts. When you look at what Tom and Christina have been able to do with Your Mom's House, what Chrysler's been able to do, what Whitney's been able to do,

with all these different people that have successful podcasts and it's sort of accelerated their stand-up comedy outside of the podcast, I think it's the best promotional vehicle for you're literally citing four people because I think it works going I think it works a lot other ones Theo and Bobby Lee these comics these comics he know already these comics were already like on their way up and that helps for sure but for every one of those there's so many comics that have a podcast and by the way like it's the Wild West you could start a podcast and it could just take off like wildfire you don't know but I know plenty of comics some you know who have that podcast they don't fill a

theater right but they don't fill a club they probably first of all haven't been doing it that long nope if they't been doing it that long. Nope. If they have been doing it that long, they're not that good at it. Disagree. We could talk about it. I'm not going to say names. What do you mean disagree?

I disagree. You think they're good at it? No, there are, well, there's so many names that we could throw out there where I'm like, yeah, you got that podcast and you spend time on that, but you probably should spend more time on crafting actual jokes because at the end of the day, what you want are ticket sales. Yeah, for sure. And if you're going to try to translate that, you better have that full solid hour, not a half hour jerking off. No, you have to have that too.

You have to have both. But my point is that it's like everything else. The amount of focus and time that you put into it is directly reflected by the result. And some people half-ass their podcast just like they half-ass their stand-up. There's that. I mean, it's all about your 10,000 hours. And I think if you have a base, like if you had a massive podcast and you started doing stand-up, it might not translate over.

But if you were massive in stand-up and you had a podcast and it wasn't as great, the results wouldn't be as dire. Because most of us do have podcasts. But it is like, where are you going to put in those 10,000 hours? How often do you do yours? I do it once a week yeah um and i really enjoy doing it but i really enjoy writing movies and i enjoy all the other things and so but you've always enjoyed variety you've always enjoyed doing a bunch of different shit i like art i like challenging myself i would do a play on venus if's what we could, like the next thing.

And I just. Have you ever thought about doing a one-woman show? Who hasn't? I mean, isn't, I actually think my standup is very similar. You haven't. You don't want to do a one-woman show. Maybe I should. Women always flash in a one-woman show.

It's always like, and now my breasts. It's always like, it's like an art school thing. You know who's got a great one-woman show? Giannis Papas. You know Giannis' character? I know who Giannis is, but I don't know. He has this female character that he does. It's hilarious.

What is she supposed to be? I'll find out in a second. We can't hear you when you're talking like that. I just saw him do it the other day. He has a whole Instagram account for her. You never seen it? I've never seen it. It's fucking hilarious.

I've never seen it. Is she fucking hilarious. Where did you see it? Is she supposed to be Puerto Rican? What is she supposed to be? She's some ethnic lady. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's a crazy ethnic lady. Mauricio Rodriguez.

Yeah. Okay, definitely not Greek. You never seen this? Oh my God. You never seen this? Oh, she's terrible looking. That's what Gianna looks like. That's hilarious.

Yeah, yeah. How dare you? Give me some volume. That steamy check on all new outfits. I'm telling you, as soon as that Joe Biden check came through,

I called them just Biden dollars. You know how they got Bitcoin now? They got Dodge coin. They got America coin. They got Superman coin. They got Pinocchio coin.

They got all those different types of coins. I tried to take those to the store. I said, hey, look, I don't have any money right now. Can I pay you in

dodge coin and they said well this is not the best i was gonna say that's cool that's cool that you like that uh that's not this is great oh i can look it up on my own time example oh no how many how many um followers yeah oh okay you don't even follow it i just found it well maybe because well okay there because that's what the clips are. Yeah, I don't know about that clip. Cool, cool, cool. That sucks when you tell someone something's funny, and then the clip you jump on is just...

Just wait until this ad plays. Next clip. You need context. You need to know where they're coming from. Cool. Yeah, that whole man playing a woman thing. How many guys have done that right it's kind of almost never not funny and i think about it a lot like a dude dressed as his girlfriend like especially when she's a guy and he like puts on the heels it's always funny

but when girls dress like guys i it's not as funny to me it's always and this isn't about a drag thing or a gender thing this is like pure for pure comedy. You're talking about Ellen? Oh. Just like when girls dress up like guys and try to skewer it, I guess because men are so, they're not vulnerable in the way women are. And so I think about that. I'm like, why isn't it as funny? And don't at me because your improv troupe is all girls and you dress up like guys. Men don't care if you make fun of them and that's why it isn't funny. Women, it's like, oh my God, he was making fun of my,

we all do this voice, but like, now, you know, he was making fun of my weight. I'm like, we do talk like that. We do like little bites. We do that. And guys are like, I don't fucking care. Yeah, I'm fat, big fucking deal. So when you're almost infallible,

at least that you present that way, I think that's why it doesn't go the other way. It's funny to... Yeah, it just doesn't... I don't know. There's got to be some girls who have done a male character that's hilarious. I'm not talking like Kate McKinnon, who's so brilliant, like an SNL thing. I'm talking just...

If you went out and you put on heels and a dress and you came in and you were like, Hi, I'm Joina. It's just funny. Some people would think it's offensive. Well, not me. And if I came in and I was just like, I'm Joe Rogan, they'd be like, okay, why are you making fun of him? Like it just kind of for some reason doesn't flow the other way.

Someone's close-minded. There's always exceptions to the rule. I'm getting a little close-mindedness out of Eliza. That's me. That's my new podcast. I'm opening it here in Austin. It's called Close-Minded? It's called Clothes-Minded.

And we talk about fashion and boys who wear the fashion but look bad. Whatever. Whatever. So you're going to Alabama, you said, from here? I am. What are you doing in Alabama? I'm going to do stand-up. Some farming.

Crazy. Some stand-up. I'm going to do Birmingham and Huntington. Nope. That's one place I don't think I've ever done stand-up some farming crazy some stand-up I'm gonna do Birmingham and Huntington and nope that's one place I don't think I've ever done stand-up I'm thinking about it like have I ever done stand-up in Alabama I'll report back I don't know if I have I think it's gonna be great I'm pumped I think my audiences are great everywhere and I'm pumped to go there people travel to see you yes it's nice They probably live in some sane area. They all came from Santa Barbara.

They bus in. I'll take it. You know, and I always, I love going, I love having a working knowledge of my country and I like- That's a good way to put it. Yeah, and I like synthesizing.

I don't want anyone to feel bad for the way they believe unless you're a horrible person, but I like having a meeting of the minds at the shows where nobody feels bad for who they are while still pointing out what's wrong with everyone but uh yeah alabama i flew into austin just to do this oh yeah i didn't want to zoom in yeah zooming sucks i don't want to it's useless it's just it's enough it's got something to it but it's just not the same as being in a room with somebody it's not the same nope and so i was just like this is beyond worth it and so here i am so

you made a movie about the story that you told on the podcast about a guy who pretended that he was from yale and you and then you found out later in your relationship that he was not and he was completely full of shit yeah i told that story on your podcast a couple years ago. And I was trying to think if that was the first time I'd ever been on your podcast in this iteration. Like as the huge Joe Rogan Experience podcast. And I couldn't remember if I'd been on it before prior to that. I think you had. I think so too.

But I think I was like that would be the perfect bookend to this story. Because the first time I told it in Its totality was here and then here I am and I've made this movie. It's such a crazy story Yeah, the fact that the guy that that really was what he was doing. He was just completely lying Yeah about his background and who he was and but it worked for a little while Well, you know, so I when i told the story and of course the feedback's all like you're a dumb bitch what's wrong why is there a woman talking about anything and so i was just like okay i gotta be careful in the way that i parse out this narrative

and my answer is you know there's red flags that we're taught to think about you know you're walking down the street in new york city and someone you a look, you got red flags, right? You're at a, you're doing a business deal, there's red flags. In a relationship, you know, because of music and TV, we're all thought to think about cheating, right? And lying in that way. I meet you randomly and in the first five minutes,

I'm like, where'd you go to school? What do you do? I wouldn't, I don't want to be the kind of person that has a radar up because these weren't lies. Like I'm the King of Spain. I have a fleet of yachts at my disposal. It was like,

I went to Yale just like my cousin did. And I do hedge funds. Like, okay, normal, normal. And that's how these kind of people get by. And so these weren't,

you met this guy on a plane, right? An airplane, an airplane. As if there's a different, just grassy plane, right? An airplane. An airplane. As if there's a difference. Just a grassy plane. Specifically an airplane. So you were heading to a gig,

he was sitting next to you? I was coming over Thanksgiving. Oh. I was just, my family, some of them were on the East Coast, and I, my big thing as a,

like I always, my whole career, I spend the money on the travel. Like that's a great investment. Like buy that first class ticket. When you travel so much, I'm like,, I spend the money on the travel. Like that's a great investment. Like buy that first class ticket when you travel so much. I'm like, that's where the money goes. And you're usually sitting next to someone who looks like your dad in first class. It's seldom that I, and this was, I was probably 29 at the time, 28, 29.

Seldom you're sitting next to someone around your age, you know, and here's a guy. And so we just start talking because we're around the same age. And we just got along super. He was funny. He was dorky, but smart, like just a cool guy. And I he had a girlfriend and I had a boy picking me up at the airport. And I think we exchanged like Twitter handles. Like this wasn't like salacious, like give me your details.

And I was like, if you and your girlfriend ever want to come to a show, you know, you're a comic, you get it like comedy store. I get paid, if you and your girlfriend ever want to come to a show, you know, you're a comic. You get it. Like a comedy store. I get paid the same way either way. So come on down to the store. But we became friends. And what made it easy was when you're a comic, you keep such odd hours. Like how many times have you eaten dinner at like one in the morning?

And you're like, I do all for protein. I have to eat late at night. I usually don't eat at night. All right, cool. I intermittent fast too. That's what I do. On it. I like how you do at night. I usually don't eat at night. All right, cool. I intermittent fast too. That's what I do. On it. I like how you do my voice.

On it. I think it's just my generic beefy guy. That could be you. That could be me, bro. What you don't understand is that it's just a structure within a democracy, which is a man-made construct. Whoa. Is that good? It's not bad.

It's not bad. It's not bad. I'd have to. It's pro talk. It's like bro politics pro time intelligent talk yeah so what did this guy actually do what was his actual job he worked at a hedge fund um and i mean who checks that would a person who works at a hedge fund know the difference between a club headliner and a theater headliner? Like, there's like, why? OK, that sounds really boring and whatever.

I get that that's with numbers and money. But he went to a college. You went to a college. Just not that one. Just lied about Yale. Right. Yeah. That's what I found out later.

Work at a hedge fund. Yeah, but I think it was like super low level. Like he made it like, oh, I'm starting my own business. And, you know, you're 29 years old. You're sitting in a first class seat and you're dressed like a dork. And you're talking about, why wouldn't I believe you? I have plenty of friends who are successful at things other than stand up. And most, you know, so.

My point was that if he just was himself. Yes. And he just said, I'm working at a hedge fund.. My point was that if he just was himself. Yes. And he just said, I'm working at a hedge fund and was the same guy, just as funny. Thousand percent. You'd probably like him. That is, you completely keyed in on it. The whole takeaway from the movie is all the things that he didn't lie about were the things that I actually valued the most.

He was, you cannot fake intelligence. You cannot fake sense of humor. You cannot fake wit. Right. And he had those. He had those things. He was unattractive, which is probably a big source of his insecurity

and whatever else society put on him. But that was the sad part was I wasn't that impressed by going to a good school and having a job I've never heard of. Hey, you just said like, I went to this regular school and I do this. I still would have said come to the comedy store. I still would have had drinks.

So that's a, it's not a shame because I really am into my husband and the way that that worked out. But that's the weird, the sad part is that we put, rather than just be good at something, someone just like lied and built a whole world around it. Have you kept in touch with that guy? Oh, yeah. We hang out all the time.

No. Oh, my God. So gross. No. I mean, he's never reached out and said, hey, I heard that story. No. Nothing? I, uh, no.

How long did you date him for? Only three months. We were friends for a full year, which why it kind it you don't question your friends as much right and here's someone that always showed up the dudes in my group like all the comics that you know that i'm friends like they've all met him like we go out drinking and my schedule is so weird so i'd be like i need to get dinner at like 11 he'd be down for it i was like great this has got a malleable schedule. And we were friends for that year. I have best friends in LA and I've been to their apartment

twice in 15 years. So you're not checking on things because I just take it at face value where you live and stuff like that. And to be honest, the closer we became as friends, the more he liked you. He was like, look, I really like you. And we would always, you know, you're in your 20s

so you're going out drinking. I never wanted to go to his house. Like he would meet me at my condo and we would go or my friends would come over because I was like, there's no reason. If you know that, if I know you like me and I don't like you, there's no reason for me to go to your house. Like you want to keep on neutral territory. It's not, I'm not afraid of my physical safety, but in terms of messaging, I think that's a little like, I don't like you, but I'll get drunk and hang out in your room.

We're not doing that. I got a house. Smart. There's a bar. Right. Right. And I was very honest the whole time. I'm like,

I'm just not there yet. And I do go on dates. I like how you said yet though. I was like, Ooh, what are you saying? There's a chance. Uh,

that was, I think I was just thinking about the movie. So you're saying there's a chance, which was, I think I was just thinking about the movie. So you're saying there's a chance, which is how guys think. Yeah. But I was very honest. Very honest. In being like,

look, I, there was a chance because you wound up getting together with him. Yeah, but I didn't see it that way. That's like, but you get it. I mean,

that's, you're talking about an eventuality that no one could foresee. Because I was dating other people. Right. Right. Consistency was key. But that's why dudes will hang out in that friend zone. I hear that and I would always say, I'm not into you. In fact, I'm going on a date tonight. But by the way, if you can't handle that and you don't want to be my friend, that's okay.

I would give him these outs. Right. And the truth is, I wasn't into him. We were very close as friends and Then one day he told me his mom had cancer. Oh Right so as a human and as a woman, you know, like there's a vulnerability he cried Probably thinking about he's probably crying about what a good liar he is. But like his mom didn't have cancer no yeah that's what's fucked up i remember this and i forgot that part of it i met her we had just so like you know my heart opened up and you can't as a woman you can become this is my big thing you can become attracted to a man who are physically not attracted to

because of personality men it doesn't work joe you've never been like that girl is a warthog but it turns out she's really funny so i do want to put my mouth on hers like you've never in your life been like but she got a great personality but girls do it's just we're cerebral you know and men are very visual and so it was all the kindness how smart how funny all this stuff mom got cancer. I'm like, oh, my God, I need to be there for this person who's been nothing but kind to me as a human. And my heart opened up, whatever. And I met her.

It was around the holidays. And so we, yeah, because we met in November. And this was, I remember I was going like Christmas craft shopping. And we met at like a craft store. And she was there. And I'd I'd never you know she has cancer and he said she's very sick so I didn't want to be indelicate I didn't want to be like how's your cancer Susan you know so I remember asking her like how are you feeling and of course this woman's like feeling fine why have you heard otherwise oh god and we only talked for like a half hour you know and i

remember at the time thinking like oh this is a guy that i really like and i if she's gonna die i want her to know that her her son is with someone who's kind i remember thinking that wow because that's so heavy it's so heavy and i didn't find out that she didn't have the cancer until after i realized all the lies and I'd broken it off. I ran into some mutual friends and I was like, I just, you know, he's a fucking loser. I must be literally insane. That's an insane person. He's an insane person, but also the story is so insane.

And you still have to tread lightly as a woman because people find fault no matter what you do. Like, I remember someone saying like saying like well you're a gold digger and i was like how's that now like i've made a bunch of my own money since i was like you can't pay attention to that no but it opened my eyes up to the perception just of when you tell a story that's so honest the feedback that you get and you're like, let me control this narrative. So that's why in the movie, she's not some struggle. I put her as mostly successful to show this isn't like she needed anything. Right. A lot of articles are like, she was so strong.

It's like, no, no. She just didn't wake up and die. I wonder what other lies that guy, because that's not a guy who's done that for the first time. If someone's lying about their mom having cancer, it's such a crazy lie. Such bad karma. What, what a, what bad energy to go through life like that. It's like the momentum of all those lies must be like inescapable. Like how does one stop and become an honest person when you're lying about that many things and intimate things like your mother yes

the person who gave life to you you're lying and saying that she has cancer so that a girl will like you more yeah it's really insane super beta and it's well it's it's a pattern that's a strange pattern because like what makes people lie you know uh feeling insufficient you know feeling that you and this is for better for worse we hold men to a certain standard in our society i'm not excusing this behavior i'm just saying you know men who don't want to be sensitive or don't want to cry or are afraid to show vulnerability because we have this like macho archetype most women don't actually expect that and they want you to be yourself and open up and but we do just as we put things on women we do put things on men and we don't have

conversations about that the difference is men don't realize like all you got to do is go out i talk about this on stage and like just be good at something and there will be a girl who will like ride or die with you in your toyota passenger seat Like, that's my baby. He's the best mustache grower. Like, be, all these comics that we're talking about, they all fuck. Funny guys fuck. So you can just be funny. You don't have to be attractive. You could just be kind.

You could just be good at like magic the gathering. There's a girl that's cool with it. But some people just think if I posture and I lie, I'll get the kind of girl I deserve. Don't you think it's also that kind of like financial world? Like the financial world is very much about- Filled with sociopaths. There's a lot of that. Sure.

But it's all about like, what kind of car do you drive? What kind of watch do you have? Where's your house at? You know, how much money are you making? How much did you make last year? What's your end goal? So those archetypespes like that patina of a person right like you have to be the what's his name an american psycho yeah bateman patrick bateman having to be that and the whole movie is about that expectation uh the business card things like that i mean i didn't include

he told me he was in skull and bones oh christ and i remember thinking like i don't know that's a pretty that's a pretty big secret people and he invited me he's like i'm going to london for like a reunion like an event do you want to come and i was like sort of but i do need my own room like i'm not gonna share a room with you and then of course he ended up not going of course but there are things where they're so out of my room like i'm not gonna share a room with you and then of course he ended up not going of course but there are things where they're so out of my room like i am not in skull and bones and it seems so foreign so you fit the bill i guess you could be i think wouldn't you think you'd be more successful if you're using skull and bones isn't that one of those things where you're

connected to all those uh well how do you gauge how successful someone is by their car because he drove a really nice car. Did he? And I never saw his house and he dressed well and he spoke like. Okay. So you thought he was very successful. I just, he presented as a kid that I went to school with. But he obviously was kind of doing well if he did work for a hedge fund, right?

They will let almost anyone sign a lease to a car. Nice car. What kind of car was it? It was like an Audi. I couldn't tell you what kind. Was to a nice car what kind of car was it it was like an audi i couldn't tell you what kind but a nice car that's it yeah so doing pretty good i guess so but i also like was it so impressed like i had my own condo you don't give a fuck anyway if a guy had a porsche and he lived in a mansion my husband drives a mazda and i drive a honda civic hybrid that i tell people i won on Last Comic Standing.

You still have that fucking car? That's how we flex. You still have that fucking car? I love it. Wow. I love it. That thing must have 150,000 miles on it. I've never checked and I don't know if that's a lot.

Do you change your oil at least? Someone does. Change my own oil. I don't. I mean, get it changed. Oh, yes. Yeah, I don't change mine either. It's actually at the dealership right now because I hit a curb and my bumper is very damaged your bumper hit a

curb but i have a curb i how's your bumper so low it hits curbs it well i shouldn't have been going over that curb oh so we had a lot of we have a construction at our house and so people were parked in the driveway and i drove out over the sidewalk thinking I was on the driveway. Oops. And it went clunk, clunk. Oh, bam, and then you hit the, I get it. And it already was kind of hanging. I kick it in every couple of weeks to keep it in.

I don't care. Nobody cares what I drive. I know you don't care. Right? So I'm not that person. Right. Nice cars are great. I just don't care if I have one.

Right. I get it. Maybe one day. don't care if I have one. Right. I get it. Maybe one day. And so these are because I don't look for that in people. I don't think about it when they have it. Right. It's unimpressive to you. So it's it's not working like whatever image they're trying to project. Yeah. I've never doesn't work. It doesn't. You know, and I the kids I grew up with, a lot of them are doctors and lawyers. So it's not like I came from bad circumstances and no one I know is successful. But it's kind of interesting that you have made all this money and you've done so well,

and yet you still drive that shitty fucking car. It's not shitty. It's got leather and it's a hybrid. You sound like Brody Stevens. Leather exterior. Leather exterior and engine. Five speed and reverse. 8ather exterior and engine. Five speed in reverse. 818 in the mileage.

Five speed in reverse. I drove my husband's car the other day, and the brake is so sensitive, a.k.a. a normal brake, because my brake, you've got to really push on it with both feet. Yeah, you need new brakes. I need new brake pads. I need new front. We need a lot of things. You don't want to buy a new car?

You don't have this desire? Is there something you like about driving this car that you want on Last Comic Standing? It's actually why I'm here. I need to borrow some money. I'll give you some money. No, it's, I try to do what I can for the environment. It is a hybrid. I don't drive very far, very often.

You can just get an electric car if you really want to help out. I don't know that getting rid of a car that works fine just to buy an electric one and i don't know that those batteries are like i think there's a whole discussion but i have a car that works fine it's not about last comic's ending it's just about like why give it no one's going to want to fuck me harder if i have a pink g wagon you never met my friends are they hot are they mma fighters i down. They're the only fucking people with pink G-wagons. I gotta get to the comedy store and my assistant drives me. I just don't

think, there are a lot of superficial things that I do think about. Like what? Like being tanned for events. Because people will be like, you're so pale. I'm like, what about this dress? Do you get fake tanned or do the real tan? You gotta get a spray tan. Gotta? Yeah, what about this dress? You're so pale. Do you get fake tanned or do the real tan? You got to get a spray tan.

Gotta. Yeah, you got to get a real tan and get sick and get melanoma. Is that what happens? I mean, tanning is not a good thing to do. Is it good to get vitamin D in your skin? Then you're doing it wrong. What? I thought it was a dick joke. I ignore it.

Can we cut this? This is live. I do a spray tan. It's organic. Oh, it's jerk. I ignore it. Can we cut this? This is live. I do a spray tan. It's organic. Oh, it's organic. It's organic. You just do it so that the comments are about your outfit, not, hey, Casper. Like, it doesn't hurt my feelings, but it's like, let's not focus on the purple skin.

I get it. That's a superficial thing. I like nice things. But, I mean, this is how I'm dressed today like I don't yeah it takes a lot put on especially if you get your hair and makeup done a lot you don't want to have to do it when you don't have to do it I get it yeah yeah I get it yeah but just most people that do as well as you do yeah have some rewards I have a nice house yeah I'm nice house that I've we kind of renov. I have a nice house. Yeah. I have a nice house that I've kind of renovated.

I have a dog. She gets whatever she wants. You got a rescue dog that you got from a Chinese, one of them dog farms where they farmed them for food. No, but she's a Chinese rescue. But they were going to eat her.

Hers wasn't. I thought she was. But she had the thing around her nose. She was just found in a bush. Somebody just, to be cruel, tied a wire around her mouth and threw her in a bush. Oh, God. And she was but she had the thing around her nose she was just found in a bush somebody just to be cruel tied a wire around her mouth and threw her in a bush and she was like starving so

the dog is not smart I just let her have whatever she wants yeah she's a sweetie she's a sweet baby I buy I spend money on quality things I don't like a ton of material things I don't collect things I don't spend it on airline travel you spend it on hotels you spend it on airline travel. You spend it on hotels.

You spend it on the people in your life. And, like, nice jeans. Nice jeans. I wear, like,

two things. I get it. So. Listen, that's you. That's me, baby. I'm not trying to change you. No.

I just think that car is a piece of shit. You should probably get rid of it. Do you really think that or do you just think it's an old car? Honda makes a great car. I don't care.

They're awesome. Listen, one of my favorite cars I've ever had was of it. Do you really think that or do you just think it's an old car? Honda makes a great car. I don't care. They're awesome. Listen, one of my favorite cars I've ever had was a Honda. So? I had a Honda NSX. I had two of them, in fact. I don't even know what that is. Isn't that a band? NSX.

Isn't that a sex cult? In excess? No. Right. What is that one? NXI. NXI. NXI.

NXI. Which I thought was a skincare company. Or like a vitamin company. I didn't see that documentary. Did you see it? I saw it on the plane last week and it was so good that I went home and bought the last two episodes to finish it. What is it called? NXIAM.

Sex Cult for the Stars. It's like NX. It's all Roman numerals. There's multiple documentaries about it. This is the big one. This is the one where the actress lady who was on that show. What was the show? She went to jail.

They were branding people, right? Yes. The Vow. That's what it's called? Is that called The Vow? There's one called The Vow. There's a lot of footage. Which is the one that you watched?

I think it's The One. On HBO? The One? It's India Oxenberg is the girl that produced it, and it's about her. So if it's that one, I think it's called The Vow. That's called Seduced. Inside the next game. Okay, what did I watch?

I mean, there's a couple of them around. Okay, now I got to watch The Vow to get a full perspective. Yeah. You want to make sure you're balanced in your cult viewing. But the guy, Richard, whatever his name was, that ran it, not dissimilar to the main character in that you just lie and you're charming and you get people to believe you.

There's a documentary about a cult that was out here called Holy Hell that I watched. I think I saw that. It's so depressing. It always comes down to some weird sex thing. Always.

Always. This guy was, he was giving these men in the cult, straight men, air quotes, therapy. And then he would charge them money. He would charge them like 50 bucks and he would fuck them. It's like. So like regular therapy. He just had like the ultimate scam going. 50 bucks a pop, that's it?

That's what he charged them, but he would fuck them. And then on top of that, I guess they were giving him money. Because in this one, same thing. And no spoilers, but the main girl, when she's narrating this, she was like, the guy in charge, you know, you'd have to work through things. Like in Scientology, you're always like working through what's blocking you. She was not attracted to him, but he would like go down on her and he'd be like if this is bothering you you've got to work through it like

you have sex with her like if you're hating this you have to work through it telling her like it's something in you like this is all therapy and she did it now let me ask you this like when someone in a cult like that gets arrested right they got arrested right like people went to jail. What'd they go to jail for? What were they doing? So in the documentary I watched, the mom rescued the daughter and they had to build a case. So it was like

racketeering, money laundering, intention to traffic, trafficking, like any charge that they could bring down. It wasn't because it's like when you really look at it, it's like these people were here and they're adults on their own volition right and the brand like there's a whole precedent I think that had been set by like brainwashing malintent and stuff like that so it was a lot of little charges and they had to

work with like the federales in Mexico to like bring this guy back oh he went to Mexico yeah so this guy who is in Austinin he went to hawaii and he ran the he runs the cult now in hawaii i think i saw this one yeah this is not the yoga one though right well he's like a dancer yes i did see this yeah and he's weird looking yeah freaky and he got freakier as he got older because he started doing plastic surgery and weird shit i totally saw that but the the thing is like there's no charges against him it's like tough yeah but it's one of those things like what like this is what was my point is like what distinguishes what's the difference between someone like that who gets a bunch of people to give him money and has a cult

and gives guys therapy and fucks them versus someone like you know some midnight evangelist type character. What do you got there? It's just this bar. Candy? It's not an Onnit product, so I'm trying to eat it. We have a lot of Onnit products here if you want some. You can throw that away and I'll get you some real food.

I'm just kidding. What do you have? Oh, I looked at the vending machine behind me. What is that, a candy bar or is it a protein bar? It's one of those, like, just egg whites, peanuts, dates. Oh, I love those. Those are great. I just needed a bite. Yeah, good No worries

Why don't feel bad? But at my point was like what why is it that some people? You can get away with like being a like a late-night evangelist. You're obviously lying to people you're ripping people off You know, you're pretending you're healing folks. you're making people talk in tongues. They're fine. And they're tax free. Yes. But then some people come along and then they arrest them. I'm always like, well, what? Like this guy tricked guys into giving him money.

Yeah. Giving him 50 bucks. Yeah. And he would give him therapy and fuck them. I think embarrassment is the difference. I think there's an embarrassment. I think there's a tangibility of illegality. There's nothing illegal about

by the way, you're saying making them talk in tongues. They did it themselves. Right. It's this placebo effect and you're not actually hurting anyone and there should be rules to protect the vulnerable and the laws to protect the elderly and from scams and stuff like that.

You know, when it comes down to these cultss i think a lot of people don't come forward and because they're embarrassed and it's like i was there i'm an adult and i think about in my own movie i when i told the story on your show and then subsequently telling it and it happened today because the movie came out today the amount of people who reach out and they're like that happened to me men and women same story same kind of story they lied about cancer my roommate lied about this he you know there's that show dirty john i think these things are a lot more prevalent than we want to realize because we all feel so embarrassed right what do they say the percentage of people that are sociopaths it's more than one percent literally 100 no maybe it's 100 of people that are sociopaths. It's more than 1%, right? It's literally 100%. No, maybe. It's 100%

of people. All people are sociopaths? Turns out. Us. I didn't know. Imagine we thought we were excused from it. We're actually sociopaths too. I think that's what they all feel. But the thing, my point about this cult was that one of the things that separates it is that this guy was

tricking dudes. Yeah. He was tricking dudes and fucking them and no one feels bad when a guy when you're a straight guy and a gay guy tricks you and fucks you good luck getting sympathy but no one cares i do think it's harder for men to get sympathy from things because men are supposed to be physically superior and in charge and smart and there's a little bit of a like, well, screw you back. And that's so wrong. You know, an injustice is an injustice.

But isn't it injustice that that guy fucked him? Wasn't it a deal? A deal's a deal. He gives you therapy, you give him 50 bucks and he fucks you. That's the deal. That's why it's hard to prosecute. Also, those guys are probably embarrassed. But I think about like sexual harassment.

Because women are physically smaller than men for the most part although i could probably beat up that samurai mannequin because men are physically dominant that the inherent threat is there when i go out to my car when i'm on you know when i'm on a date like you could like even sitting here right now if you wanted to kill me you could if your producer wanted because because you're bigger right so there's that but it doesn't take away from the fact that we all should have autonomy over our bodies so someone sexually harassing you at work is still not okay it's not as scary but it's still not okay and we have to allow for that if we're going to have a conversation about it you know a hundred percent yeah yeah i've had gay gay guys hit on me before you've told me about this comfortable it's uncomfortable because that's not what you want sexually.

But it's not scary. But you're never scared. Right. I'm scared. It's a big difference. All the time. It's a big difference. It is a big difference.

It's just rude or gross or he's taking a shot. You never know. Like, I guess you never know. You know, like, as a friend of mine, I don't want to name his name He worked with me on this television show and he was a gay guy and he used to have a lot of Relations with air quotes straight guys right and I go really and he goes yeah He goes you'd be surprised at how many straight guys let me suck their dick and then next thing you know I go wow It's a thing I go. How does it happen and he's like well You know you have a couple of drinks you start talking next thing you know i'm like really and it was yeah all these uh air quotes straight guys and

i'm like interesting so you don't know until you try he goes exactly so you'll like put feelers out on a guy supposedly straight because you've had experience with straight guys i was like absolutely there's nothing wrong with hitting on someone uh but if the person says no right you gotta you gotta let it go well the thing is at work right and it's the thing is really like say if you're a woman and you're in an office you're trying to move your way up the corporate ladder and your boss is just a little a little touchy a little gross a little normal a little male a little male a little normal yeah that's where it gets weird well because people always talk about a woman scorned but nobody's talking about a man

scorned that's how you get a school shooter that's how you get murder that's how you get murders that's the when you've hurt a man's hubris that's how you get well you're a fat bitch anyway you know like the anger the ire that you elicit when that happens. And it's so scary. And so it's always like, oh, the girl's crazy and she must be getting revenge and all this. And it's like, but look what happens. No, the difference between men and women is so stark in how many. And this is, I mean, how many men murder women versus how many women murder men.

It's not even close. Right. It's like, it's, if you looked at a chart, it would probably be like a pie chart. It'd be like the tiniest sliver is women that murder men. That's why we have a show about it. There's a show called like why women murder.

Cause people are fascinated that dainty flowers can get angry. Dove Davidoff. This is so right. I used to have a joke about how like a crime of passion is like totally excusable in a court of law. Like, well, it was a crime of passion.

The judge is like, okay, I can see that like i think it was in texas for a long time sure like if you caught your wife in bed with another man you're allowed to shoot the guy or does that have to do with a stand your ground kind of thing because he's a trespasser so he's not trespassing your wife lets him in it's yeah but it's your property because she's a woman and she can't have that property. That's crazy. It's hers too, I think. What is the crime of passion? Adultery is not illegal, but Texas courts consider marital misconduct, including infidelity, and dividing the party's community.

Oh, that's a different thing. What that is, that's interesting, where women can sue for denial of affection and men can sue for it too. Like say if you're a man and your wife is banging her personal trainer, you could sue that guy for denial of affection in some states. You could sue her for denial of affection because she's not having sex with you. I think you can sue him. But if you're both having sex with her, what are your grounds?

I think you can sue him because he's taken away some affection from your lawfully wedded wife. Says who? Says some people in the 1820s that wrote these fucking goofy laws. The other one you're talking about is called Sudden Passion. Ah, Sudden Passion. Texas Penal Code Chapter 19 concerning

criminal homicide holds that such sudden passion in quotes means passion directly caused by and have to define provocation. Yeah, well, look at this. This is so loophole-y. Yeah, but now you have to define provocation. Yeah, but look at this. This is so loophole-y.

The law also holds that such passion must be due to, in quotes, adequate cause. This means, in quotes, a cause that would commonly produce a degree of anger, rage, resentment, or terror in a person of ordinary temper sufficient to render the mind incapable of cool reflection. Who's going to give that character study? His buddies? Like, he's normally a cool guy. This shouldn't have happened. Texas murder laws state further that at punishment stage of a trial, the defendant must raise the issues as to whether he caused the death under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause.

If the defendant proves the issue in the affirmative by a preponderance of the evidence, the offense is a felony of the second degree. So if he thought about it first, it's a second degree. So it's premeditated sexual murder. Yeah. On the other hand, if a murder is planned or premeditated, such an offense in Texas is far worse crime, which is known as a felony of the first degree.

Right. Yeah. One means, meaning if it happened in the moment and you can prove that you're normally a cool guy and you can prove that this is, you go on Family Feud, you're like, show me. It's cheating. You're like, show me. It's cheating. And if enough people agree that that's a reason that would upset people and you're normally cool as a cucumber, you can get away with that murder. What's the other one though?

The other one is a denial of affection. Because I do remember this, that this woman was suing this other woman that her husband was having an affair with for denial of affection. So she wasn't just suing him. She was suing the other woman. woman that her husband was having an affair with for denial of affection. So she wasn't just suing him. She was suing the other woman. What woman's like, I need more sex from my husband. And you ruined that.

Maybe she loves Dick. Maybe that was part of her arrangement. She wants Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick. Maybe. Maybe. But it's just. It's a lawsuit in multiple states. Yeah. It's like, in multiple states, yeah.

It's like, how do you defend yourself? That's my next movie. There you go. Yeah. So, okay. See that? Yeah. I can't see him so close. That was very close.

Snake-like reflexes. But it was also just the right amount of tip where it didn't quite go over. I saw that. Didn't quite go over. I saw that. When you are in this relationship with this guy and you're realizing that he's full of shit, how long did it take for you to confront him? How much time had elapsed?

Because I forget when you were telling me this story. I forgot you told me his mom had cancer. Because you told me this story on the podcast, I want to say like three years ago. Oh, episode 484. Whoa. say like three years ago? Episode 484. Yeah, seven years ago. Today's episode 7 billion 12. So it was a while ago. We passed 1070, right?

Did you get a plaque? 1670? From the mayor? No. I did interview the mayor though. That's cool. Seemed like a nice guy. Sure, I don't know. With a homeless problem. Who doesn't have that problem? this in today's day and age so like when you're in the middle of this with this guy when did you have like a series of red flags was there one red flag like what was did

the gates just open up and then you realize oh my god i'm with a sociopath here's the god's honest truth and this is not in the movie because there's just too much to cover and you have to just hit certain story beats i was doing a pre-interview for something and i was like i think my mom will remember this i called my mother my mother is the one that was like something's not right really uh-huh and i was very careful in this movie i didn't want to have that thing where the girl is dumb and she's like, you all don't want me to be happy. This is the guy. In real life, I was like, okay, let's, this is hard to believe, but let me suss this out.

What did your mom see? Okay, so here's what happened. She was a couple things. So I talked to her recently about this. She was, she would tell you, we could also call her, but she would tell you that certain things seem to not add up. also call her but she would tell you that certain things seem to not add up he's a young guy and but he says he belongs to skull and bones which she thought was odd because like george bush like serious people belong to this not like a random dude and i think she reached out to someone she happened to know who was of course her age so like in late 60s at the time, that was in it.

And that person was like, this guy's not in it. Really? Right. And so, by the way, you're dealing with this like secret society that you, I barely know, like why would I know anything about it? So I'm just like, okay. And he said he went to Yale. And so my cousin, who's in the movie, not in it, but a character, she calls my cousin. She goes, do me a favor.

When you meet this guy, ask him a question only people who went to Yale would know. So my cousin said to him, so we're all hanging out. My cousin said to him, I guess in New Haven, there's like two beloved pizza places that every kid there, you pick which one you like. And he said, oh, which do you like, this one or this one? And his answer, he goes like, oh, I don't really eat pizza. So it's one of those answers where it's so quick and it's so concise that you're like, okay, that's weird, but that's your answer. Versus what are you talking about? Knew all the schools and all the colleges, like knew enough. And so my mom called the Yale yearbook, I think.

Because she had a friend that like worked, went to Yale. So she reached out and she said, looked for a Dennis Kelly. They were like, we... What's that his name? That's the character's name. Oh. We haven't had a Dennis Kelly, and it was like a Dennis L. Kelly or something,

and it was the wrong initial, who graduated in like 1985. So part of me is like, this information is so insane to get, there's no way to synthesize it right because this isn't like i saw your boyfriend kissing a girl which you're like okay this happens in movies this is the weirdest thing so i'm like okay and within that same time frame you know you start questioning other things for example he was like i bought a house when i met him he was looking to buy a house

a lot of successful young men buy houses and when when he tells me where it is, he gives me the address because I had like a gift for him. He gives me the address. And I went with a friend of mine, my friend Laura, and we went to the address and it wasn't a house. It was like a split level casita apartment, like in West Hollywood. And I knock on the door and a girl opens it and i'm like uh and she's like oh my god you're eliza so part of me is like oh my god you've seen my two netflix professionals i was like yeah she was like dennis told me about you like i didn't i didn't think he was really dating you like this is so cool and i'm like like, uh-huh. And she's like, I'm his roommate. I'm like, okay, not, I mean, it would have been better if she was like, I'm his girlfriend, but I'm his roommate, call

him. And he got very like weird. And I remember, cause now here's a guy that you love that you're dating, who's been inside you and you've hung out together i'm like who's this fucking girl and he like didn't want to talk about it and he finally like you know we met up and he was like my mother is undergoing like serious chemotherapy like cancer treatment at ucla and she is staying at my house and i was such a horrible son to her when my dad was dying i know i was never home and i wasn't there for her and this is what i'm doing to give back i'm letting her stay at my house i keep my stuff at my friend's house but i spend most nights with you so i just kind of give her her space and because he claimed to have come from so much money

to me i'm like my first thought was oh my god like i don't want to disturb your mother who's dying i don't want to go to her house people can say you're dumb that seems insane but like at the time this is someone that like you think you might marry whose parent is dying right so they say you know she's sick and she stays at my house this is before you've met her the mom i had already met her you already met the mom so you already knew she was doing pretty good no i thought i don't you know cancer has many faces you can put on a brave face and leave the house for a half hour good point um and so i was just like okay and i was like but i need to know where you live like it's weird and so he gave me the address and it was

about a week later that i was just like things were just kind of not adding up so i drove to that address the second address and what was that it was just a house that wasn't it was just a house wasn't his it was like an old person house there was like a was just a house that wasn't it was just a house wasn't his it was like an old person house there was like a sign on the door that said beware of pomeranian i was like he doesn't have a pomeranian like it was just not so he just lied i didn't call him that night i think i flew i was playing like the tempe improv this was several years ago and i i think i just sent him a text and i was like you're a fucking liar i know you didn't go to yale i know you've i'm not i don't i'm not gonna be like hey baby can we and I was like, you're a fucking liar. I know you didn't go to Yale. I know you've, I'm not, I don't, I'm not going to be like, hey baby, can we meet up?

I was like, you're a fucking liar. And he just wrote back, I am. And everything I've said to you from the day I met you was a lie. And I didn't realize that I would fall in love with you. And I, every day I was worried about how I'd get out from under it. So I believe that he loved me. I believe that he was like, oh shit, what do I do? And there were so many other small things.

And then, yeah, and then I knew the roommates, I think we connected on Facebook, so I went over, this is weeks later, because I wanted some closure without talking to him. And they're all just talking about it and some of these friends were there. They're like, I've never liked that guy.

I think, I think they said we met him on Craigslist, but I don't remember. Like these weren't like intimate friends. He's all this money in debt, which is where my story differs a lot. So the roommate that you met, barely knew him.

It wasn't a roommate. But just a roommate. Yeah. It wasn't even his friend. Right. There was two of them. And then they, so it was like their friends were there.

Correct. And they didn't like him either. It was like a tangential friend was like, I never liked the guy for what it's worth. And a lot of these stories, it's like the guy weasels his way in and finds a way to attach himself financially. In my story, he never asked me for any money. Like there was no, I think he just wanted to feel accepted by a woman. It's not, there was nothing it differs

from stories in that way and i said well you know this is so i'm trying to wrap my mind around this in real time because this is someone that i thought i was going to be like this is someone i've known for a year right we we've met each other's families he's had dinner with my dad like and i said i guess i just i feel bad that his mom is dying and the friend looked at me and went what are you talking about his mom doesn't have cancer and so i just remember going home and just collapsing i slept for like 15 hours because it was like blunt force trauma to your heart and you're you're just like how do you pick that up like how do you piece that together did you ever see him in person after that?

No, we met up once before I knew about the cancer thing. And he was like, yeah, I'm starting a new company and I'm doing all like, I, I think I don't remember the conversation because I hadn't fully wrapped my mind around the extent of it all. Right. And, uh, that happened. And yeah, I, I just kind of like took a step back, whatever. We never talked again. And Con Otters is so interesting.

They really are. Oh, wait, I remember the last part of it. Oh, okay. I remember thinking like, okay, I met the mom. She doesn't have cancer. Someone's got to tell her that her son is doing this. Like there has to be some sort of, either she's like knows he's a bad seed and like helps with it or like she has no idea.

And like, you should know as a parent, my best friend who I'm visiting after your podcast today, her mom is like BFF with like a personal, a private investigator. So we got the mom's number and I had my best friend call. I was like, I don't want to talk to this lady. And had her call just say hey i just want to let you know like your son dennis like here's what he does and here's what he did and you should know just for his own mental health and just you know and i was like also gauge if she like is in on it or whatever and the woman said well you know eliza's a failed actress with a drug problem and Dennis always tries to be kind to women and I think he's been trying to let her down gently. And I was like, ugh, he got to her, we're done.

Like, shut it down from this whole gross family. Eliza's a failed actress with a drug problem. So he went to his mom and concocted a whole storyline about you. Uh-huh. Wow. Which I think she, I have to believe a mother knows deep down there's something wrong with her kid. Did you ever listen to, there's an amazing podcast on Elizabeth Holmes.

Do you know who Elizabeth Holmes is? I watched the whole show. I've never listened to the podcast. It's the same, well, it's similar in that just con artists. Yeah. similar in that just con artists like con artists like people that like get really far deep into like a crazy sort of situation like that are so fascinating to me yeah like i he even said he was like i lived every day scared for the next like you don't know what's gonna happen you just keep lying although i believe she believed her blood machine worked do Do you? I believe that she was like,

I just need a little bit more time. But there's all this evidence that she knew it didn't work. Oh, okay. I changed my mind. They knew it didn't work. What I know is that I can't wear a black turtleneck without people saying it was with Holmes, and it's a chic look.

Did they do a movie about her, or was it a documentary? I think it was a documentary. I just listened to the podcast. It's called The Dropout. Is that what it's called i don't know was it called a dropout i think it i think is it a wandery podcast oh that's my podcast network i should know so many good ones thank you god they do so many good ones they do that but done by it? Done by Apple Podcasts. Oh, it's Apple. Okay.

Oh, wait. Wondry did the Aaron Hernandez one, right? ABC News. ABC News. The football player? Yeah. Yeah. That's another one that's fucking crazy.

Yeah. But that lady, like her story is so fascinating to me because she had a fake voice. Oh, this one. Did she talk like this? So that she would be taken seriously in business. She would talk fake. She had a fake deep voice. I actually am all for that.

The Kardashians talk up here even though Khloe's 6'7". No one that tall has a high voice. Everybody fakes this hot girl voice. So why not be taken seriously and take it to the mat with a black turtleneck black turtleneck me and you rogan it worked for a while she was worth at one point in time before they busted her like she was the most she was the most wealthy self-made

woman ever wow yeah because she was worth like $9 billion or some crazy shit like that. That's so crazy. Yeah, and now she's worth zero. Probably not zero. Oh, yeah. She's in debt. She's worth less than zero. Okay. She's worth minus hundreds of millions.

What's her day-to-day? Not good. I mean, she's wondering whether or not they're going to put her in jail for the rest of her life. Oh, that's still happening? It's still on trial? Okay. Well, she's pregnant. She got pregnant.

I followed it because I was so fascinated by it from a bunch of different perspectives. One, the perspective of all these people that took that test, this rapid blood test to make sure they didn't have diseases. There's a lot of people that took that and they made their decisions based on the results of that test. So how many of them actually had cancer and didn't get treatment? You should go to jail immediately. It's not good. Right to jail immediately it's not good right no not good and they knew they knew these fucking things didn't work that's the the

it's a conspiracy of just when you like a whole company knows something whether it's chemicals in your water or drugs or how efficacious a treatment is when you know it isn't and you still do this to people yeah who are trusting you it's heavy it's heavy it's dark and i believe absolute power corrupts absolutely and it's really no different than someone who you know takes advantage sexually of their employees or people that you know things like that like when no one's telling you no and you can you stand to gain a lot from it. Yeah, but there's so many wild stories of con artists that get pretty deep. All of American Greed. They get pretty deep into business.

I got to watch it. What's American Greed? It's like on MSNBC. I watch it on the road. It's a show that profiles- Con artists? Con artists, like people who do big, like multi-million dollar pyramid schemes,

all having to do with like business and like stocks and Enterprise not it's never about love. It's always about the finance side of it. Yeah, and it's always total maniacs who are just able to lie and What is it steal from Peter to pay Paul the Bernie Madoff one is another one? That's another one that's just fucking wild cuz he got some really wealthy people some smart people like he got Steven Spielberg Yeah, he got a lot of like super wealthy people when that happened just as a Jew We were all just like fuck When you are of a minority and one of your minority does the thing that people already think you do and the rest of you don't

Like you're just we turn our backs like you're just, we turn our backs on you. You're just like, no! That's hilarious because I'm Italian so when someone gets arrested for being a mob or doing something stupid, I think it's funny. Sure, it's less precious. Oh, it's way less precious. Yeah, there's more of you and

the stakes aren't as high but yeah, it's always that thing where you're like, don't prove the stereotype. Yeah, Ari and's always that thing where you're like, don't prove the stereotype. Yeah. Ari and I always have the funniest conversations about Italians. Because it's like the one minority that I can absolutely mock. Sure. Because I'm one of them.

You know, and Ari calls them garbage people. He's like, they're the worst of the whites. The worst of the whites are the Italians. I don't know. He gets a kick out of it. He loves it. He loves making fun of Italians. Italiansians are it's kind of like okay because there's no there's no prejudice like prejudice against italian in this day and age but like

it's like the irish like it was a thing and now it's not you're okay so it's really the only type you can make fun of because anything else it comes off as racist yeah it shows racial stereotype progress but italians also are like yeah so what that's me well something happened during the sopranos days they got all excited about being italian there's a resurgence yes they're big on that the irish do that too yeah getting like an erin tattoo on your arm you got one great grandpa who's irish uh so yeah people just want a connection to something. They make good food. Italians can cook the fuck out of some food. That's what they do. Sure. Yeah.

Italian American food, though, is garbage trash. What are you talking about? When you go to Italy and you see how they've mastered it, and then they come here, they're like, yeah, it's a quart of sugar and a bunch of baked noodles, and it's a hot buffet at a Sbarro. You are exaggerating and stereotyping to a great degree, and I will not tolerate it. There's some amazing- No, it's a hot buffet at a sabaro you are exaggerating and stereotyping to a great degree and i will not tolerate it there's some amazing it's very funny there's some amazing italian food in the east coast i'm talking about italian american food sure it's tasty but it's it's a

far cry from actual italian food it's different you know if you go to italy the portions are smaller there's a lot of fish everything's's a lot of pasta with white sauce. Yeah. Everything's fresh. Everything's al dente. The best ham sandwich I've ever had in my life was at a gas station in Italy. Really? Everything here, you know, of course you can buy nice things, but like we have so many

people, everything's so mass produced and they don't have it like that in other countries. Like you go to Europe, food is out. You go to Italy for like cicchetti or like Spain for tapas. Like they're just sitting on the bar Everything in the u.s. Is like behind a cold case locked under a plastic glove Like we're so afraid of being sued and our health codes are so specific because of that You go to other countries foods just out like that cow is just out and people are eating it and they're fine Mmm, I'm talking about I do kind of know what you're talking about.

You know, they just don't, they didn't get so into preservatives over there. Right. And they didn't genetically modify their wheat. There's a lot of differences in the way. Their steak tastes very different. You have a steak over in Europe, it tastes very different. Their chocolate's different. They think ours is gross.

Yeah. So, but we also, I do believe there's a huge connection between the litigious nature of people how you can sue for anything here oh that made me sick oh i ate that you know and so people like health code is there like my husband was telling me there's some like crazy temperature food needs to be kept at that doesn't make it for better tasting food but it makes sure there's there's no way you can get sick. So it doesn't always yield the taste of your product, but your company will be safe. Right.

And when you're a chef, that's got to be maddening. Yes. Because you really want to make sure that everything is just done to have the most enjoyable experience consuming and eating it. He said something like a lot of ethnic restaurants will get a B, and it's not because they're not clean. It's because of the temperature that they're keeping certain foods at to serve it the right way.

But it's not that they're dirty. It's just for those standards, it's just not right. How weird is dry aging? That's one of the weirdest ones. I'm not a fan. Go to places and the food is just covered in mold. I've never been a fan of that taste. Oh, really?

Of dry aged. Well, I'll tell you what, APL, you know that steakhouse? Sure. Adam Perry Lang's place. He served me once a one year dry aged steak. One year. And it was very interesting. It's like, he goes, you don't eat a whole steak of this. He goes, you eat like small, a small amount of it. And you take small bites. That's what you want in a steak. Small, small baby bites. It's just very different.

It's not normal steak. It's like this weird nutty flavor. It's very strange. It's not what I like though. Yeah, you didn't say it was good. You just said strange, which is not what we want. It was good. Don't get me wrong, but it's not my favorite.

It's not like, like salmon is good. I think salmon tastes delicious. But if there's salmon right next to a tomahawk ribeye on the menu, I always get the ribeye. Like I'm not really interested in fish that much. Okay. It's not as good. Just doesn't taste as good. And this was like that.

Like, was it good? Yeah, it was good. It was delicious. But it wasn't as good as like a regular steak. It's not as satisfying. Yeah. Like a regular dry aged steak is really good. But when you go that deep, it has this weird flavor to it. It's like you can taste the, it's kind of rotten.

Right. You know, I mean, that's what it is. That restaurant Noma does a lot of that. What's that? That restaurant Noma. Where's that? I think it's in Denmark. Oh, okay.

But I could get that wrong. I think it's in Denmark. Oh, okay. But I could get that wrong. I think it's in Denmark. Noma. They do a lot of like, you know, work with mold and a lot of experimentation. And I do think that there's something so beautiful about like working, eating something that you've done something unique to. It's not meant to be American consumed, like biggie size with fries. Like some bites should be delicate and small and unique. And why can't we eat more things?

And why can't we play with sustainability and things like that? We have such a small menu of what's acceptable, especially in the United States. And especially in terms of sustainability, there's so much more like cuttlefish, which is weirdly in my movie, but like that's really sustainable squid. Cuttlefish is sustainable.

Really? I won't eat octopus because they're too smart. I think we've talked about it. So are cuttlefish. Well, I don't eat cuttlefish is sustainable? Really? I won't eat octopus because they're too smart. So are cuttlefish. Well, I don't eat cuttlefish either. I'm just saying. Uni is sustainable. You won't eat octopus because they're smart? I can't. I've held one. And I just can't do it.

What about pork? Do you eat pork? I don't seek it out if there's... It's not my favorite thing, but I'm not angry about it. They're pretty fucking smart too. I'm not a big pork person. I don't seek it out. It's not my favorite thing, but I'm not angry about it. They're pretty fucking smart, too. I'm not a big pork person. I don't know. But octopus are brilliant.

They're brilliant, and they're not of this world. Probably not. You live on an island in Greece. That's your main thing. I get it, but I don't need to eat an octopus. Okay. We eat a lot of lentils in our house. My husband opened this huge barbecue restaurant in L.A. He opened Bloodsow's Barbecue, octopus okay i'm i eat we eat like a lot of lentils in our house we my husband lentils

opened this huge barbecue restaurant in la he opened bloods was barbecue and they you know smoke whole animals and chop them up but in our house it's all very like we grow our own lettuce and i eat tiny things lentils a lot of lentils they're very good for you really beans we're very specific about beans we try You grow your own lentils? No. Growing lettuce. And by our, I mean he does this, and I wander into the kitchen shirtless. And you eat it.

And I'll eat deli turkey out of a bag over the garbage. I'm a savage, and I've been civilized by being married to a chef. That's interesting. I keep an industrial-sized bag of Airheads. What are Airheads? They're candy, and I have one in my bag now. I bring one everywhere. Why Airheads? Tangy.

Is it really good? Red ones. You want one? Yeah, give me one. Okay, I'll give you my last one. I don't think I've ever had one. I'll give you my last one. Your last one?

I thought you had an industrial-sized container of them. How many did you fucking eat? I only brought so many on the trip. Jesus Christ. Do you eat them all? Yeah. If you've got any fillings, careful. If I have any feelings?

Fillings. Oh. It's not like that. It's not If I have any feelings? Feelings. Oh. It's not like that. It's not like a sugar daddy, but it can. Okay. These are them? Oh, yeah. Oh, you got a red one, too.

Tiny one. Airheads. I feel like I should have known about these. I've never had these before. Taffy-like deliciousness. Oh, okay. It's like a taffy. Here we go.

Total candy. Taste it. Tart. Satisfying. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. That's quite good. My favorite candy. Is it your Tart. Satisfying. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. That's quite good.

My favorite candy. Is it your favorite too? By far. How the fuck did I just find out about this? It's just one of these like random candies at 7-Eleven. You don't think about it. It's just there. I like it.

When I was a kid, for like businesses in elementary school, we would make airhead balls and sell them. So you'd mash up a bunch. You'd ask the kid what flavor they want, and then you'd sell these thick wads of pucks of airheads. That sounds so disgusting. 90s. Oh, your finger sweat and all that stuff. Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's why they're kids doing it. Being industrious, running for student council. That was good. Tasty. How much candy do you eat? I eat a lot of candy. Really? I love candy. So bad for you. It's so bad for you, but I'm not a huge drinker. I don't really eat garbage food, but I love Sour Patch Kids and Airheads. That's about it.

And I eat a lot of fruit. Do you? I'm a tart, sweet person. I don't like chocolate. Fruit's good for you. Fruit's fine. I probably eat more candy than the average adult woman, but it's not so much

that I have like teeth problems or heart problems or anything. Fruit is something that I indulge in post and pre-workout. What kind of fruit? I feel like you're like, you eat an orange or an apple. You're like a regular fruit guy. I eat orange and apples. Yeah. I eat bananas. I like bananas. Sure. I like to, I just have a little bit of sugar before I go crazy. Potassium is good for muscle recovery. Well, I take a lot of electrolytes. I cover that stuff actually with like liquid IV, things like that. Yes. But, um, with, um, fruit, it's just a good thing to have pre and post workout. I ate a whole watermelon last weekend. I fucking love watermelon. I fucking took it down. I took it down. It's very exciting. I love melons, watermelons, cold watermelon.

It's hard to find something that tastes better on a summer day than a fucking cold watermelon yeah that's ripe and juicy and dark red yes and you bite into it i even eat the seeds i don't care i don't give a fuck about seeds i chew those bitches right down to the bone right down i don't care about seeds yeah i saw this thing on tiktok which is dumb mustard Mustard on watermelon. Everyone's like, it's so good. I tried it. TikTok needs to stop. It's got to stop. It was so dumb. I was like, we've ruined the piece of watermelon. There's no reason to put mustard on it. I understand it'll cook out. It touched something on your plate and you ate it anyway. It does not enhance it.

Right. I know a lot of people like to put salt on certain types of fruits. Salt on watermelon is delicious. I've never had that. It's great. Lime on watermelon's great. You know what I love? Chili powder on mangoes. Yes. Any of those Mexican fruit cart concoctions.

Chili with mangoes is fucking sensational. What's going on here? He's just showing some idiot doing... No, it's Bert. Oh, it's Bert. I didn't see it. Bert, I didn't see. He's eating a muscle.

But he gave it to a bunch of people and they said it was really good. It's not good. Look at him. He's like, it's I didn't see he's eating a muscle but he gave it to a bunch of people and they said it was really good it's not good look at him he's like it's there what's he saying it's pretty good yeah you gotta try it

no it's cause Bert Bert's just trying to be sweet he's on a movie set in Serbia yeah he's in it's probably the only food they have

it's the only watermelon for 800 miles there's no food over there they're starving to death he's filming a movie in a third world country can I tell you is that a third world country no I I tell you- Is that a third world country?

No. I don't think so. I read that script. Sorry, Serbia. I read that script because I wanted the part of the Russian girl, and they ended up going with an actual Russian person, so I can't beat that. But it's a good script. Oh, it's going to be hilarious.

It's funny. Well, no. Bert's a fucking hustler, too. Sure. But sometimes another comic's like, I got a script. You're like, oh, God like is it missing the third act and I read this and I was pleasantly surprised because the story's funny But turning it into something real it was a really good script, and he's making it with legendary which is great and

It's one of those things where I missed out on it, but I'm still like pumped for the project And it was a really I'm pumped for Bert. Bert is a guy who never stops hustling. He's a good guy. He's always got three different podcasts going and a bunch of different projects. He has a lot of podcasts. He's trying to run 2,000 miles this year. That's weird. I don't get that.

He's trying to not be a fat fuck. He's a really good guy. He's always been sweet. He's a very good guy. He's a very good guy, and he's a guy that... He might be a crazy drunk, and he likes to party and all that good stuff, and people, you can dismiss him because of that.

That dude works hard. Sure. He's always working. And he'll party, and then he'll get up at 7 o'clock in the morning and go to work. You don't stay, this is not a fluke. Like, people, even the drinking and whatever, and he's just, it's harmless, and he's having fun,

whatever, it's part of a persona. But you don't stay relevant without working hard this is not people propping him up right you know like he does put in those hours and he does tour so and he's a good person he's also the first guy to figure out how to do drive-in movie shows while we were all like trying to figure out what to do with the pandemic and do he was the first guy nope we did him at the same time what do you mean untrue we did the drive-in tours at the same time literally came do with the pandemic and do he was the first guy. Nope. We did him at the same time. What do you mean untrue? We did the drive-in tours at the same time. Bert literally came up with the idea he said. No. You don't think he did? I don't know. He could have been like independent but I definitely

did. We did him around the same time. Around the same time. I didn't get the idea from him. But that doesn't take it away from him. Maybe you got the same idea independently after he did it. I don't think it was after. I think he was the first guy. Okay. Okay. He says he was the first guy. Everybody else agrees.

That's okay. It's always good to go with what everyone else says. Is it okay? I'll be okay with it. So you both came up with the idea independently. When did you start touring? Going on the road? We did that in... Driving movie shows. September, October. I think he was doing it before. Okay.

I think he was doing it in June. Burt invented comedy. I think he did. I cow-toed him. I'd like to find out. I'd like to find out who did it first. Jamie's on it. I don't know.

But I definitely, I do like Burt. Okay. Seems like you don't like him as much now. I hate Burt. Burt Kreischer, if you can hear this. Now that you guys are competing about the origin story of driving movie shows

no I'm pretty sure Bert oversells way outsells me he's killing it right now I mean he's been gone for like three or four months to the eastern block

if we can say that but he's also got a tour going on like he he just started promoting his new tour he's a fucking animal he never stops i

actually am using his we both use the same um sort of promotional company who helps you like come up with like videos like those kind of things june yeah he was doing it in june well that's really unsafe he was way ahead of you that was definitely not covid safe i came out a little bit later yeah so what is this look you're giving me so i was right yeah but it wasn't like you said not true I was definitely not COVID safe. I came out a little bit later. Yeah. What is this look you're giving me? So I was right. Yeah, but it wasn't like- But you said not true. And you said it very dismissively.

Because you said it as if he invented it and then everyone copied him. Well, he did invent it and then other people did it later. They might have also invented it. But Bert Kreischer invented it. I didn't say everyone copied it. Dual invention. What I said was Bert was the first and okay, you're right out. I was right by many months Oh my god, so many dudes have boners right now

Here how he fucking rocked this bitch. She said she was right about I don't know and he turned out to be right I'm so fucking hard Would you really think they think like that 100%? Oh, well was just the way you said it i come out on stage at the store like when you used to live there you can see who the rogan fans are because of the way they look you can see who the mark maron fans are because because of the way they look and then i think the rest were for me and then some other people but like it's a distinct and i with the end i if i if i had a joke that didn't go well i'd be like i know you're

like oh where's rogan and it would always get a big laugh i'm like okay so just know i can see your arms you can see their arms okay guys with t-shirts it's broken and then it's just regular dudes but like and then the marin fans are like you know some of the a lot of flannel they're in the indie music they're just it's just two different vibes i understand yours kind of travel in packs packs right here but they don't but but you're very smart and i think people think of like the fans and they think of the bad ones not the good ones because i think of you as so intelligent and i think the kind of guy that fully appreciates you has to be intelligent and capable of analytical thinking versus reducing it down to the joke that i'm making right but some people don't fully appreciate you right they only there's certain things they like

like you're gonna get a spectrum of fans you're gonna get i have a lot of dumb fans for sure yeah you do you do and they're very vocal They'll be in my DMs after this Well don't read those You read them? No I batch erase a lot just because Gotta save your eye health Yeah I don't look at them You shouldn't even look at them

I don't think it's good for you I look at some I have a mostly positive experience Most people do You can tell Cause you don't have to open it I look at some. I have a mostly positive experience. Most people do. Most people have a mostly positive experience. You can tell. Because you don't have to open it.

You can just see it sometimes. And you can tell by the first sentence sometimes. What that's going to, like the energy of that. You can, like I've done this long enough that like, if it's going to be weird, I don't read it. If it's going to be annoying, if it's going to be negative, then I just erase. And I rarely rarely respond it's not worth it yeah it's a weird trap you get stuck in wandering constantly about other people's opinions especially random people's opinions that you don't even know but on the other hand it's good to get feedback so it's like it's a weird sort of fucking double-edged sword it's I was thinking about that yesterday

because there's feedback there's okay there's a there's a difference between opinion and you got a fact wrong what I'm interested in is being corrected if I'm wrong like just now I was like all right bird invented it uh or I would I'm interested in someone who isn't like me saying hey here's something you didn't know about civil rights or gender issues or the economy like a genuine fact what i'm not interested in a lot of people will it's this weird thing under the guise of being a fan you post something innocuous and they will in the comments so publicly do something that's like kind of trying to shame you while being like and i'm just asking because i'm a fan i'm like no no if you actually wanted to bring this up you would

have dm'd it but you did it publicly because you're secretly hoping i will burn in front of you you are such a jack russell terrier you're such a fucking you can't you cannot ignore the matrix of subtext when you see it oh okay, okay. You can't. I get it. You can tell when someone means well and when they actually have an ulterior motive. Don't you agree? Yes. You certainly can tell when people are being passive or aggressive or when they're fucking with you or they're being manipulative.

Yeah. For sure. I just wonder. I noticed that you did this. Why would you do that? Just asking as a fan publicly, hoping you die. And so, you know, you give it air you don't but it is it's tough to navigate how do you deal with that kind of stress do you like to

like if you find yourself under particular amounts of stress do you meditate do you exercise like what do you do to try to mitigate it exercise every day because i really enjoy that buzz um what kind of exercise you like to do? I mean, I exercise pretty consistently my whole life, you know. And so I do like a half hour of cardio. Start with the cardio to get out of the way. And then I do free weights or I'll do yoga or like some sort of like Pilates strengthening. You know, we always try to do low weight, high rep, toning. The goal is never to like reallyates strengthening. You know, we always try to, I always try to do low weight, high rep, toning.

The goal is never to like really build muscle. I think it'd be funny if you got jacked. Like super jacked, like CrossFit girl jacked. For confirmed kills, I did like a lot of upper body. Yeah. And I look very strong in that. I actually think that's a beautiful body type. Like just shredded girls. And I have, i'm sure i could get a lot stronger um i think i think i follow a lot of like girls who are like mma

fighters and girls that do just like strength training stuff and i just think it's a good body to have i just i think maybe because i could attain that quicker than i could like being 5'8 and lanky which will never happen Mm-hmm, but I think there's such a beauty and being that strong and thick. Yeah, I Don't mind it. I That's just it's also like it's Strong will get you farther in life for sure physically then being like way fish Yeah, there's a thing where I think women seem to believe that men like

really skinny girls because like girls seem to like very skinny girls or they seem to be jealous of really skinny girls sometimes yeah all has to do with fashion yeah so gay guys are modeling women to look like boys because that's what they're attracted to. But also, and there's nothing wrong with that, this is fashion, but also clothes hang better if you have less curves. That's why models are so tall and thin because the clothes literally just hang. They're not pulling. You don't have to pick your wedgie.

Right. And so that is the high fashion aesthetic because it's more effortless and you can wear anything. that is like the high fashion aesthetic because it's more effortless and you can wear anything. Um, and so because of that curvy women kind of get maligned when in actuality, most women do have those curves and you, we should be dressing for that versus killing yourself to not look like that. Well, not only that in actuality, most men like curves a hundred percent. Yeah. That's what men like. That's why it's so weird because I think, I mean, that's not the same with like male models, right?

Like male models are kind of ripped. They're buff and ripped and they look like what girls like. Yeah. Like male models aren't like a completely different thing that like there's, you don't have that sort of like way fish, skinny male model thing. Some of them. Some of them. But everybody likes a jack dude. Aber yeah type dudes straight dudes love looking at a jack dude because

they want to like be friends with him gay guys love looking at a jack dude i love looking at a jack dude everybody loves jack dude yeah i think in terms of like girls being curvy if girls could just if you could actually take a step back and realize how incredibly simple the needs of a heterosexual man are, you don't have to chug a beer and like be into his sports. Like he doesn't care. What he wants is just like a cool girl who's got her own thing going on. These girls are like, I'm a guy's girl. I'm fucking taking this down. And I like, it's cool if you're into that, but like, he doesn't want to fuck a dude with tits. and I don't know.

It's cool if you're into that but like he doesn't want to fuck a dude with tits. He wants a girl. Like do you care if your wife can drink as much as you in the moment? No, that'd be a problem.

It'd be really gross. And most guys, the things you hate about your body, like he didn't even notice. Like the other day I took my shirt off and my husband actually went like

boobs, boobs, boobs. And I was like, did that just come out? He's like, yeah, I just, I don't know why I said that. Like's what they just want your body and however imperfect he's still with you regardless of how you imperfect you think it is okay you don't think so no I think so so what's what's why are you reserving it right just looking what is that what is that tactic what is that interview is that a tactic is that tactic? What is that interview? Is that a tactic? Is it a tactic to make the guest feel like, oh, fuck, did I say the wrong thing?

No, it's not. It's like, okay, I hear what you're saying. It's not saying it in a negative way. I've only built five Netflix specials off of it, off of just this constant thinking about it. But if girls would just give themselves a break and like, he doesn't care. He definitely doesn't care what you're wearing. Well, they definitely don't care if you can drink them under the table or if you're really into sports if you're really into what they're into but some girls like really into things that guys like so that guys will think that

they're like easy to hang out with for sure right and cuz guys want an easy girl like a non-complex like low-maintenance mentally it's okay if you got to curl your hair and do your makeup as long as you're cool about it. My husband is always like, I wear three things, but he's always ready to go. If we're going out, he's sitting in one of his two shirts waiting in the living room, no matter what. And you're getting dressed. And it's not even like I look that great.

I just got to find everything before we leave the house. And it's whatever. We got to find everything before we leave the house. And it's whatever. We got to give ourselves a break. The weird stereotypes that girls have to more or they think that they have to match the real skinny stereotype. That's what's weird. It's like women have a stereotype where you're not supposed to eat. Right. There's a beauty standard where you're supposed to like really thin

girls will like hold back on eating yeah that's kind of fucked that doesn't even make any sense to me that's that's a really weird one like the holding back on eating thing well like girls will hold back on like i've talked to girls that are going on a date with a guy in like four or five days right and then i can't eat i have a date on Saturday. I'm like, oh my God, it's Wednesday. I think that's, it's also a very young thing to do. And I think it is partly generational. Like if you grew up in the nineties, like I did, regardless, you know, five years here, five years there, you have a degree of body dysmorphia.

You just do. Really? Because what was like, I think I have a great body, but I will always defer to that like rail thin like oh that's the idea even though i know that's wrong because that has been inculcated in our minds for so long in the 90s that happened yeah and if you and everybody was like look at like nicole richie and paris hilton like even into the 2000s like that was the look you know kate moss earlier and now because of diversity girls have like the kardashians for better worse, you have a curvier type of girl. Right, but isn't that even more weird?

Because then it's surgically curvy. That is surgically curvy, but they are emulating in many cases what like an African-American woman's body looks like. And their bodies have been so maligned for so long. So it's sort of when it trickles down, it makes it okay that you have thighs. Someone like me. It makes it okay and there's more acceptance I don't know if I agree with you because it's that fake butt has become a thing and that fake butt is so obvious when you have skinny legs sure you have that diaper butt but most women don't I'm saying they're

emulating a certain kind of body right Kim Kardashian naturally did have a big butt and then everybody tried to make it bigger and bigger most women have larger butts larger thighs and i'm saying it trickles down into fashion so that a girl feels a little bit more okay about that versus like killing yourself to have a thigh gap like i know how the thigh gap even as like the thigh gap right because we're told that guys do but like even as an adult just in the last couple years, I've become more okay with being thicker in certain areas because you're seeing it more in fashion. Not even on altered women, just women who are more normal looking. Just saying like, hey, the average woman's body is okay. It's a weird thing.

You have to really figure out what you're okay with. It is weird, too, because it's like people do you have to really figure out what you're okay with it is weird too because it's like people do imitate what they see and they try to emulate what they see whether it's on television or on the internet or what have you and then the other thing that's going on is on the internet a lot of people using these weird fucking filters well that's changing the size of their waist and changing the size of their butts and i i literally was talking about this yesterday how there are girls who get surgery to look like the filter so we're all now agreeing on a standard that literally no one looks like and trying to adhere to that which is even weirder because some of those models are that thin

but nobody naturally has a flower crown and a deer nose and that's scary because it's just everything's about what it looks like online. No. And it ends up you get 19 year old girls getting Botox. Like it's it's weird. That's a weird thing to do. It's a lot of them too. It's not it's not just a few. They're doing it now so that they never have wrinkles.

I'm thinking about the DMs. Don't shame me and my matching daughter. It's for Botox. I'm like, look. It's fucking botulism. You're literally. It is botulism. It's called Botox.

Botox. You got Botox. I'm like, look. It's fucking botulism. You're literally. It is botulism. It's called Botox. It's botulism toxins that you're pumping into your skin because it paralyzes your fucking muscles.

Unfortunately, the people who need to hear that do not listen to this podcast. I bet a lot of them do. And they go, yep. And I'm going to keep doing it. Because this way I don't have wrinkles, motherfucker. And in a weird way way it's not her fault because there is this expectation that women be eternally young at a certain age you almost have to make this choice do you want people to know that you're secretly not gonna live forever or

do you want to look weird it's a choice that like a lot of women all of a sudden like your face isn't old but it's not there's like this uncanny valley you're're like, what is that? Yes. You know what it is? Fillers. The fillers. When they get the big cheeks, and you're like, whoa, what are you doing? I have no problem. Like, dude, I had a nose job when I was 18. Like, fucking do whatever you want, whatever.

And I wrestle with, what does a woman owe in terms of revealing that? We demand such transparency. If you're a girl and you love your plastic surgery, right? Do you owe saying to everyone like, yeah, I had it done. I'm being honest. Or can you keep that a secret?

Well, like a nose job? No, like if you're getting like, I have friends that are like, I get filler. I love it. It's whatever.

And she looks great. And you wouldn't actually be able to tell. And then you have friends that like won't admit to it. Well, I think if someone asks you, you have two choices you either go it's none of your fucking business or tell the truth that's what i'm saying yeah but also you're in a situation where someone's asking you and they might just be doing it to make you

uncomfortable like you gotta you gotta find out like you gotta feel publicly in the comment section yeah well i'm talking about people in real life. Sure. You got to feel out what kind of... The intention. Yeah, what's the game? What's going on here? Is this a person who is worried about their own skin

and looks at you and like, hey, you look really good. Are you doing anything? Like, what are you doing? Like, help a girl out. Right. Sure.

It could be that or it could be, are you using filler? Right. And then there's this weird thing where someone wants you to say something so they can judge you

and you're like, hey, fuck you, bitch. Right? I don't disagree or no i'll do the joe thing what is that it's me staring at you that what i do i stare staring at you is that me that's your impression of me no that was me it goes up when i stare you don't do that i don't know why i did that but the older i get the more i'm just like super laissez faire, like whatever you want to do. I'm not even waiting. That's a healthy perspective.

I think the older I get, the more I feel like that too. I don't, I don't want anybody to do anything they don't want to do. As long as it's not hurting anybody. As long as it's not hurting anyone. You have kids and I'm sure, and I'm sure your wife gets it worse,

but just the endless scrutiny. What are you doing with the kids? Are you raising them? What did you, the choices and it's just like less here sure here it's uh people are pretty they're pretty normal it's like you've entered into a different dimension or like families are like normal families they see in like tv shows they're they act normal here it's like the the influence of show business sure

isn't injected into people's lives out here as much as it has in L.A. No, and I'm jealous of that. I'm jealous that you have that. Growing up in Dallas, Texas, I remember I had a friend and she told me I was going to hell because I was Jewish, which happens a lot. It happens a lot. When you're a kid in the South or in Texas, this is not uncommon. Most Jewish kids have something like this. She told me I was going to hell. And we were like

six. We were best friends. And my mother called her mother to say, hey, your daughter told my daughter she's going to hell. And the mom said, oh, I'm going to have to talk to her. She's not supposed to start witnessing until she's older. So there's different types of normal.

That's not normal, but it is accepted. That's not normal, but it is accepted. She's not supposed to start witnessing until she gets older. Oh, my God. That's so funny. Welcome to Texas. Her mom was telling her, sweetie, you are doing the right thing, but you're doing it at the wrong time. And she's not ready for you to witness.

Wait till those horns come in. Then you let her know. Oh, my God. Oh, my God god she's not supposed to start witnessing yet um witnessing witnessing that is a very specific type of baptist like that's its own but that's part of growing up in texas oh my god witnessing is hilarious what does that mean is that like you have to what does it mean to witness does it mean that you're supposed to declare God's word when you find something out of alignment? Is that what it is? Sure.

The whole thing is insane to me, so sure. Any version of that is weird. I follow a lot of Christian fitness influencers. Is that a thing? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What is that? You're getting in shape for Christ? Well, they're Christian, and they happen to be fitness people.

But it doesn't usually come up until it does. And then every now and then it'll come up, and there'll be like a Bible verse that they want to highlight while they're showing you their quads. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. And God gave unto man his only son. Let's quote it. Yeah.

Look at my fucking quotes. There's a lot of like women will do that they'll stick their ass out but they'll have some crazy like uh don't get me started quote yes yeah they'll talk about spirituality why they're wearing a thong completely belies the intention of the post little asshole covering string and a little my little cooter dorito well because that's so gross i'm not making eye contact with you. For so many reasons. What is a thong? It's a little Dorito that covers your cooter.

And a string that goes up your butt. It's the most ridiculous thing a person could wear. It's like I'm not comfortable with just some of my ass showing. I want everything but a string. No, it's so you don't have panty lines. That's why. You don't want to see them through your jeans. Got it. I'm wearing what a thong right now

For no reason because these shorts huge what a coincidence You know what? That's your choice. Yep. Thank you. If we allowed women to just be proud of their bodies They wouldn't have to put up these dumb aphorisms Don't show me show me your body and be like I worked hard for this love it versus like to quote Sylvia Plath Stick your fucking ass in an oven you think that's what it is i think i think it's that some people want other people to think of them in a lofty way they want to think of them like that they're deep and fascinating and mercurial creatures and so although they also want to show their ass they want to they want something you see the shooting star cool right yeah it's really cool um cool. They want to show their ass, but they also want to peer deep.

Maybe they're both. Maybe it's true. We don't allow for complexity. So God forbid a woman is attractive but also intelligent. So we wrestle with that. I think it's become so muddled we're actually not sure what we're doing. It used to be, I need a way to post this hot picture. I hope someone's looking.

But I can't say in the caption I'm doing it. I had a whole bit about this hot picture I hope someone's looking but I can't say in the caption I'm doing it I had a whole bit about this forever ago which I'll spare you um and now it's become this rote thing where you just take a picture and we don't even know why we're doing it like you just take that picture to be like this is what I look like today hope and it's usually something you do when you're more single like hoping you'll get attention for that. And there's nothing wrong with it because, you know, getting attention doesn't have to be a bad thing. But I do think women feel that they have to say something prophetic or intelligent to belie the intention of the post, which is please look at my body. Right. Or they'll get stereotyped.

Like you can't. Right. But it looks dumb. You have a roomy quote. It looks complex. Yeah. Quoting Gandhi with your nipples out. are you doing and it's yeah but some it depends on the person too right like some people that's really them like and you kind of it's all about whether or not it's authenticity excuse me authentic if you're showing real authenticity then people sort of resonate with that it makes

sense but if you're not if it just seems like you're just trying to bullshit people that comes across too i completely agree but it's a hard sell when you got your tits hanging out and you're talking about gandhi it is because it's the two have nothing to do with each other doing this one where you're like covering your boobs with your hands and you're talking deep. Yeah, I think it's something that people don't question because they're like, okay, this will offset the intensity of that, but nobody realizes how weird that juxtaposition is. Same with guys, right? If a guy's got like a greasy six-pack, right,

and is pondering his own mortality and his... I talk about this on stage. Do you? All girls, we all post these like positive quotes, feeling better, but it's even weirder when a guy like posts a thing about like, a lion doesn't ask permission

to run down its prey. I'm like, you work at Cutco and you do like a 30 minute workout. Like, I don't need this from you. I don't need my inspiration from you. A lion. I just go for it i'm like cool you work for sensi it is funny the chest puffing stuff it is funny and it's just a normal natural

male pattern behavior guys love to do that and they love to read shit like that and go fuck yeah i'm a lion too bro me too you're a rogan lion i'm'm a Rogan lion. We run together. We serve Joe. Oh boy. Oh boy, they're coming for you. Oh boy. Yeah, the whole Instagram thing of being able to project an image and to try to cultivate that and try to get people to think of you, you're trying actively to get people to think about you in a certain way. There's a weird unhealthiness to that when you're aware of how people are going to like see the picture of you and, you know, like what do you think about when you see

guys using filters? Doesn't that make you sad? I guess I don't think about it, to be honest. I see guys using filters, I get sad. Yeah, I guess you're kidding. It is sad. It's sad, you know, if you don't love the way your skin looks, but there's filters and there's filters. There's like the filter that

comes with the phone and then there's face altering filters. Yeah. Because you're presenting the best version of yourself, the curated version, which we all do to an extent. You know, you try to be authentic and now I think about if you don't mind your P's and Q's,

like how vulnerable your profile is to be canceled. You know, if you don't aren't careful about that, like what's up for grabs is your career. You know, like I took, I took a wheels up, which is like a private plane company. And I took it last night to get here in time because there was no way to physically get here without doing like a seven hour red eye kind of thing that would have exhausted me. And there's a lot of other things that go along with that. So I did that.

And part of the deal is you take it and you put a post up. And I had this girl that was like, endorsing private jets, unfollow. And you're like, you don't understand how social media works. You don't understand my schedule. How dare you fucking judge me like it's so easy and you want to rip them apart so all of a sudden all my solar panels all my conservation work all the plastic that i don't use doesn't matter because i did something for my physical health to get me somewhere for a

demanding press not only that let's be real. If you offered that bitch a ride on a private jet, she'd take it in a heartbeat. Asshole out, deuces up, filter on. But also it's like attack a company and their carbon emissions and oil spills. And don't give me the straw man argument of like, if everyone took private jets. Yeah, well, they don't. And I took one. Get off my fucking sex.

You're so feisty. It's so hilarious Times get ramped up for an argument with someone in the comments. It's so hilarious. I erased it. I said, yeah I was like you're not gonna get me No, she was like unfollow and I just said nothing like I got a movie coming out. I can't get cancelled over Ripping you to pieces. She's unfollowing and announcing it so rude. Let me know. I'm out of here. You ruined everything

because you didn't want to take a seven hour red eye for a four hour trip. How dare you fly private? How dare you as a woman do something that benefits you? Did you go to her profile first and snoop around? No. Try to find weakness? No, I was too busy eating brie on the private plane.

It was so turbulent. I didn't feel well. It was a bad choice. Do you think you're going to see her post again? Maybe she'll come back to you. I erased it. I don't know who this person is.

But maybe you have it in the back of your head. She can always come back. I didn't block her because what happens is they get angry and then they're like, but I miss her content of her kissing her dog. And they always come back. can always come back i didn't block her because what happens is they get angry and then they're like but i miss her content of her kissing her dog and they always come back they always come back you want to see me do morning sweetness with tian fu you gotta you

gotta check in with that what about you kissing the dog on a private plane unacceptable i probably she's the dog doesn't fly what if you do a couple of posts of you flying coach but just to balance it out that That doesn't work. Southwest. They won't see those. Jammed in. They won't see those. I could be holding lepers in a colony and draining my bank account. And then the next day I'd use a straw.

And they'd be like, how could you? Plastic straw. Unfollow. You ruined everything. Unfollow. I heard about a girl who died because she tripped and she had a metal straw. Yeah. And the metal straw went through her fucking eyeball

and killed her. Did you hear about that? Probably not even real, right? Probably one of those Richard Gere gerbil up the ass rumors that you just hear. I had a babysitter when I was a kid who had a shriveled hand because, I don't know if it was a lollipop stick or a straw,

it went through the back of her mouth and hit her nerve. Whoa. But what is that? What is that? What does that prove? What do we get from that? Freak things happen Don't trip with a

Lollipop Don't trip Yeah Don't be sucking on lollipops Well metal straws Are kind of crazy Because you really can't Kill somebody with a metal straw

You can kill someone With anything Yeah The story is real But it adds In the same paragraph Explains how she died That she had scoliosis

And fell a lot Oh shit You don't die of scoliosis though no no but she fell a lot she fell a lot anyway and she happened to have a straw yeah well no one's advocating for getting rid of metal straws i think we have too many quite frankly too many metal straws people don't understand sustainability the idea is that you have the one thing you reuse it not you buy a ton of these instead that's what happens like reusable water bottles we should be issued five in a lifetime and instead every but like that's the new thing is oh it's in a reusable

bottle i'm like this doesn't count if you're not reusing it i'm just amassing branded water bottles now yeah everybody has tumblers they'll hand you tumblers those like yeti tumblers with their logos on it and shit i love yeti so okay but tumblers for this one's for your wine this one's for your coffee i'm like why do we have to take our liquids with us everywhere when did we get this thirsty that's an interesting question as a nation you know what i love when fitness influencers carry those large jugs of water everywhere that look you know they drink so much water. I have a full gallon that I bring with me everywhere I go. Working it down every day. That's a weird flex.

It's a weird flex because you're spending so much of your time in the toilet. Yeah, you got to pee four or five times a day. Yeah. And you know, they say that's not even really necessary to drink that much water. You really should just drink water when you're thirsty. You should be hydrated,

but you're really not supposed to drink water all day long like that. I don't know if there's a real benefit to it. Maybe it's debatable. It's definitely debatable, but also what about doing things so they feel good? Drink water till you're full.

Don't force it. You'll never be hydrated enough that it's enough for some people. Like you're never going to get younger because you drank eight gallons of water. You're going to die. So just drink when you're, what? You could drown yourself if you drink too much water.

You can. Yeah. So you did the look again. You can. I know. What's the look? You gave me a look like, I don't know. You're so sensitive today.

I don't know what happened. Maybe it's that private jet. Now when people look me in the eye. What? I look you in the eye all the time. No, I know what I'm saying. Because of the jet. No, okay. When regular people look me in the eye What? I look you in the eye all the time No I know what I'm saying Regular people look me in the eye There's one jet I had to get here

Listen that lady needs to relax She would take that jet with you I guarantee you In a heartbeat Fuck yeah Most of the things that people get mad at for those kind of things Is just because they can't afford it And so they find a reason to mock it or shame it Well you must know that on a specific level Just because of the success you've had and more recently that

you know with spotify and everything i mean you you must field your fair share of that i'm sure if i looked all right well yeah i mean you're a perceptive a perceptive person you're a comic you know i'm a harsh critic of myself so I don't really need other people's criticism. I'm all over myself. No, no one needs it. I just mean you must be aware of it. Oh, yeah, I'm sure. Well, I know how I would make fun of me.

Sure. You know? And I definitely, if I was like one of those eco-conscious people, I might not have like fucking 10 muscle cars. I'd make fun of those. You can offset that by saying you kill your own meat. I do that. And that's something that's hard to do.

It's not easy. So to me, that's really walk. I don't want to do that, but that is walking the walk versus buying processed meat or something. And everybody does what they can. There's a lot of that out here. So many people hunt out here. It's crazy. A lot of people hunt.

So many people hunt. I mean, I run into like, it's almost like half the men I meet out here so many people hunt out here it's crazy a lot of people hunt so many people hunt i mean i run into like it's almost like half the men i meet out here hunt they want to either tell you about a place or take you to a place or guns are a big part of place oh my god when everybody has guns out here when i was growing up my best friend her parents would do i don't even know the terms for this but they would on weekends we'd go on sundays in the suburban and we'd go to like a field and they would dress up in period costumes like turn of the century at the time. The going into the 20th century from the 19th century, like Western period costumes, and they would have timed shooting events and they'd all have cowboy names like a boy named Sue and like all these names or like Comanche, like depending on your what heritage you'd all be dressed up and they'd have these like Winchester rifles like these antique guns and they would have time shooting events and we would watch wow this is what I did for many weekends of my youth is this the type of guys you were dating that were doing this kind of thing too no that no

that's not something I look for it was something I also didn't think was odd until you know you get a little bit farther in life you're like oh most parents don't do that my parents didn't that's so funny anytime people are reenacting shit like reenacting the civil war battles or reenacting cowboys and indians and yeah what do you what if you're the one that dies you're just laying there all day well how do you reenact cowboys and Indians? You'd have to have the Indians shoot at you with like arrows with rubber tips? Do they do that? I thought it was always Civil War. I wonder.

I don't know. I don't. Because this wasn't reenactment as much as just playing the part and then having a timed event. And you could win like old bullets and old coins. Old bullets? It was never like my thing. Muskets and shit? They had they had everything oh that's so this was more like later than muskets so this was like the guns were from like early 1900s late 1800s

cartridges and shit i gotta be honest i never looked that close because it was just so my parents are new york jews right i was just going with my best friend. It was very much her parents. Very Texan. That's so Texas. Yeah. That's such a weird thing. I never even heard of anybody out here doing that. I don't think you're meant to hear about it.

No? I think it's like a- It's like a skull and bones type thing? Yeah. People keep it on the sneak tip? I don't know. Maybe no one does it. I don't know.

Maybe it was a Dallas thing. I don't know. The Civil War thing is very weird. I don't know. Maybe no one does it. I don't know. Maybe it was a Dallas thing. I don't know. The Civil War thing is very weird. Because that has all these weird racial undertones to it. Like, are you trying to win? The Civil War? No. The reenactment.

I'm kidding. I'm like, are you trying to win? Like, what are you trying to do? If you're playing for the South. Yeah. Who's like, I want to be the one that loses? Right. They're probably, I don't know. Here's here's the thing hey i'm leaving my house i know it's hot outside i'm going to put on this crusty gray uniform i'm

going to go lay in a field for six hours and scream union like what are you going to do god it's just such a weird fucking thing to want to get into i, how far back do people take it? I mean, do people pretend to be cavemen? Do they make their own flint arrows? I think some people just naturally are. I don't know. I think all types of battle. I mean, you got a, what is it, 12th century samurai? I think people are just fascinated by bygone battles.

Celtic warriors, Vikings, things like that. I'm fascinated by history, for sure, but not fascinated enough to dress up like I'm going to pretend. It's weird. That's why I draw the line. Yeah. LARPing. What is this, Jamie?

It's the Alamo reenactment they do every year. Oh, Christ. Look at these fucking dorks. Oh, my God. We got to go, dude. Is that the Alamo? Yeah. That's what it looks like?

It's very small. Wow. Where is it? San Antonio. San Antonio. Oh, that's real close. That's like an hour away from here. It's literally an hour away from here. It is in the middle of a town square.

It's tiny. And they reenact it? So they reenact the battle? I mean, I just saw some quick video of cannons. Oh, Jesus Christ. They're actually going to light that cannon? Go back there. I want to see them light that fucking cannon. That's so ridiculous.

Hear ye, hear ye. Give me some volume. Let me hear these dorks. Yeah, let's hear this. It's so tiny. There's no volume. I don't think it's just music playing. Doesn't he say stupid shit before it? Probably just fire in the hole.

Yeah. What a fucking weird thing to be into. That's what it was like back then. If you shot a cannon, that's what it sounded like. The slowest battle. You'll probably dodge those balls. Probably see them coming. Yeah. That's brutal. Bloody. Like don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes kind of thing. Like, reloading a musket three feet from someone, like, can you just stand there so I can get a shot? Well, that's why the Indians fucked them up. Especially the Comanches, because they could fire multiple arrows. Because they had to get off their horses to shoot rifles back in the days.

They would literally get off their horses and stop and aim, and the Comanches would shoot from the horses. Sure. Rapid fire. Yeah. Yeah. They would hold, like, five arrows in their fingers and just shoot one, shoot another, shoot another, shoot another. That's the true hand-to-hand.

Yeah. Yeah. They don't reenact those, those battles. Nobody wants to address just getting, like, walloped by them. This is an Ohio thing, so I know you guys definitely don't know about this, but when you're talking about the Indian thing, I was looking.

They don't do this in this show. It's a play they do in Ohio called Tecumseh. It's about Tecumseh from the 1700s, but it is literally like a battle between Indians and white people, and they do the full thing. Act like people are dying. Capture people.

It's a play though. That's cool. That's different. Yeah, it's slightly different. A play is different than a reenactment. It's still pretty dorky. Please fucking dorks. But also, it's still a little dorky.

Wearing fucking deer skins and shit and running around pretending to tomahawk people. Get the fuck out of here. Look, he's dead. Oh my God, each summer we should go. We should go and get obliterated high. Just get so high that you can't walk and just sit there and watch. A lot of the tickets are for senior citizens. Of course they are.

Who the fuck else is going to go? I don't know. People are like, we could have won that battle. And we would own this ground. He's like, I was there. I was there. I had my musket loaded. I like that voice.

Misfired. Misfired. And then the wife is mad. You keep bringing that up. Stop telling that story. Stop telling the story of how we met. Back in the old Indian fighting days. Reenactments are fucking strange. It's just strange

to dwell on the past, right? That's part of the weirdness of it. Yeah, it's one thing to... Because I guess it's like you put them in the same category as the guys that work in a historical town and you dress up as Ben Franklin and you give the talk, you know? But that's about imparting some

real knowledge versus just playing battle, I guess. Yeah, I guess. I was in St. Augustine, Florida recently, America's oldest city. Is it really? That's the oldest city? Yeah, St. Augustine, Florida. What's it like?

Kind of Spanish, kind of old. Cute. Cute? Cute's the main word I used. And I went to a coffee shop that used to be a blacksmith shop in the 1700s. It was cute. It's cool. It's got that real like Spanish sort of war vibe, like a lot of crumbled brick walls and a lot of, it's Florida. So it's just, it's a different vibe than anything up north. If you could go back in time to any era and just

visit for a little bit, where would you go? Probably like five years ago and just make some different choices about the clubs I played. Just pick a different... You wouldn't want to go to like watch Ben Franklin get electrocuted.

Am I just seeing like a specific moment or is it just like... Like if I give you a week, you could spend a week and you knew you'd be i just seeing like a specific moment or is it just like like if i give you a week you could spend a week and you knew you'd be safe okay i just think the 60s were a really formative time for this country and i think getting like hopping around just to the vibe and just all the unrest and the change and really coming out of losing our innocence as a nation and sort of catapulting us into what would become the country i think the 60s were really fascinating i bet a lot of people in the future gonna say that about the 20s what's happening right now 20s would be cool oh 20s

2020s i think people are gonna be talking about all the changes happening right here right now in the future they're gonna be saying it's one of the most tumultuous periods i think history of the country we'll look back and it'll be scary. I don't know. Everybody was afraid of getting canceled. People were eating each other. Nobody was listening to signs. It's a really, even as it's happening, I'm like, we are coming across like fucking idiots, like animals.

Well, we're unhinged in a lot of ways. And we're not anchored down by a real leader. We don't really have a real leader in this country anymore. Yeah. And you could say Joe Biden is the president. He's our leader. And you'd be correct on paper. But I mean, everybody knows he's out of his mind. He have this pandemic there's just so much you have so much fake news opinions there's so many outlets like it's it is maddening regardless of how you believe and you can't get a straight answer you can't even substantiate your own facts with the right facts because it's hard to drill down those facts everybody that agrees with you sort of does in theory but is it always in practice and it is hard to find solid ground. Mm-hmm. And so it's scary just how Angry the mob is and how you know, if you look at like cancel culture I don't even think people want an apology in many cases. They just want to see someone burn. They definitely do

It's like the middle. It's like the medieval the medieval times. It's like medieval times like the Middle Ages It's a dark period disconnect between other people, that's happening when you're attacking someone online. They're not near you. You're not talking to them. They're not a human. They are the other. And you can attack them in that way. And if they get taken down, they lose their job.

People like it. They like it. It's like you scored a point. You're playing a video game. You killed a bad guy. You feel because people feel so helpless. You know, I always think about that short story that we all had to read, The Lottery, where this town just like randomly would draw straws to see who would get stoned to death.

Really? And the woman, this is a famous short story, the woman who was like the biggest proponent of this in the end is the one that gets stoned. And of course, you know, it's like, and then they were upon her. But I think about that a lot. When did this happen? The Lottery? Yeah. I don't know what year it was written but it's real is it a real story a true story or is this fiction story i think it's fiction which is even better because somebody at the time was like you know we we want this justice it's not even justice when the

punishment outweighs the crime but we so just want to see someone get devoured if somebody genuinely offends me there are apologies we're like okay they meant that they fucked up but for the most part you're like fuck that person even if they apologize you're like yeah i still seek i know that they still secretly are anti-semitic or racist or whatever you know and we do look at that snippet of a person they did a thing and you're like burn it all to the ground there's no room for nuance we do love like a public hanging we have not come that far yeah it's definitely still part of what it means to be a person you know especially if you don't know the person you know especially if they're famous or

good-looking or rich yeah it's even more delicious yes or someone who's like wronged you or you feel there's no accounting for substance or character. It's just they upset me. So they got to go. Yeah. There's very few people in this day and age that are interested in empathy. A hundred percent. That's a real problem. Or at least publicly interested in empathy where they're promoting it.

It's not something that we value as much as you know we value it in our personal lives it's very important in your personal lives to be empathetic about family members and friends but when it comes to like public figures nobody gives a shit about empathy well also if you're the one that empathizes and you publicly come out i come out to defend defend my friend. It's almost like zombies. They hear you breathing and they're like, and then they turn to, let's dig you up. And so you have to really decide what hills you want to die on. Some are important and some are just like,

sorry, buddy, they're going to eat you. Yeah, well, sometimes you're not going to fix anything anyway. You just stay the fuck out of the way. I say that to them too when they're being attacked. I'm like, just stay offline. Just literally, if people could just chill for 48 hours,

the mob will find someone else. Unless you killed someone. Right. The news cycle's so quick. That's what's weird. News. Things. Yeah, whatever it is.

The public opinion cycle where things hit a fever point. They boil over and then a new thing happens and that boils over. But meanwhile, that person's life is left, they're decimated. Everything's wrecked.

All for what? To appease a company so they can say they fired someone or they can say, and now what? Now that person's ruined and you've moved on and we don't remember the headline. That's often the case. Some people deserve it, but for the most part, the punishments often outweigh the crimes

and it's just insane. Yeah, often. it's a strange time because we have this ability with social media that never existed before where any person could just sort of lash out you know the the most helpless ones are usually the loudest ones and then all of a sudden they have a voice and all of a sudden you're making amends for someone you've never met who you have no intention of hurting, but they are only aiming to rip you apart and everything that you built. Well, it's so, it's so interesting when you see someone like, uh, like that Christy Teigen situation. Chrissy Teigen, dad. Is that her name is? Like that Christy Teigen.

What was her name? Chrissy Teigen. Christy. But I was reading some of the things she said i'm like people say that to people all the time but the fact that she's doing it as a famous person telling someone to kill themselves or hope you die or i hope you're canceled forever whatever the fuck she said i guess so mad people are so mad but i also think with someone like her people really wanted a reason because she's good looking and she's wealthy you know so and that could have been anyone people want that reason um they also want

to find they want to secretly know that celebrities are actually shitty people some people like that because they think that to in order to become famous or to make it you have to be a piece of shit well like he was without saying cast the first stone these people who are always like you should put that on an instagram post sticking your ass out i'm putting my butthole out and they're like do you have sin don't cast this stone but everybody you know like i can't believe you did that and it's like you're gonna have a hard time believing in anything if you are disappointed every time you find out somebody did something you disagree with um yeah. We all fuck up. We all say terrible things. The question is not about

not doing them. It's about making sure that you're not caught. I say horrible things all the time. I'm not going to put it in writing. Yeah. Well, especially as a comic.

Some of the shit that we've said to each other in the back room just to try to get a rise out of another comedian makes us laugh. Which is a sacred thing and I actually believe you're in your audience look we have to look at intention and you have to enter into this is a tacit agreement between me and my audience

you're gonna get offended at what i'm saying so you get upset i'm like well would you feel better if i said that joke 45 minutes in so i made fun of everybody else first you know like it's the pendulum swings both ways. And so people get offended because you hurt their feelings on that one thing. I'm like, but you were fine when I was making fun of myself and other people. Yeah. It's just when it came for you, you couldn't separate the two. And there's no malintent.

I don't want to hurt anybody. People just love being offended, though. They do. They do. They get excited about a moment that they can be outraged a moment where they could find just a real clear green light they're allowed to hit the gas yeah and go crazy and feel valid and seen yeah look what she did yeah i'm the one to lead this charge i feel seen yeah the power yeah oh the monkey paw very exciting it's exciting stuff well it's definitely exciting time

to be a stand-up Ari Shafir said it best he said stand-up is dangerous again it was a great time for stand-up it's dangerous I don't feel it doesn't feel dangerous to me because I believe if you're speaking with purpose and intention and you're backing up genuinely funny jokes with intelligence, it's irrefutable. Yeah. My goal is never to hurt someone. I don't just wield that. I'm not. It's never for shock value.

For sure. But it is a weird time where someone can take your jokes out of context and print them. And then it loses all of what you were trying to do it loses all of its intent sure i don't think stuff like that carries much weight simply because it's like the second week granted people will look at that they won't look at the context but it's kind of like yeah but when you look at the source material it goes away like it doesn't have legs yeah and you know there is there's that book so you've been publicly shamed that came in a couple years ago and john ronson and the guy that was profiled, there's all these people.

And there's one guy who would be ashamed for like something sexual, like a sex party or doing something. And of all the people profiled, he didn't lose anything because he refused to be shamed for it. And I do think without like a lady doth protest too much aspect of it, there's something to be said like, no, this is what I meant. You guys are fucking dumb. Read the whole thing and then just be done with it yeah not constantly apologizing retracting walking it back well there's also the people reading the comments so once something like that happens you realize people are attacking you some people they they drown in other people's opinions of them sure and they just start they just get carried away in it. And if they engage and they prolong it,

then they're attached to what people have said about their comments about their comments. So they'll go back and forth and read the replies. Right, you're like, what are we even talking about? Yeah, it just gets crazy. No, you can't let that define you. When I make comments about a comment section, it's more of a comment about the tone of a society.

But I don't take these things home and think I should change something because a person had an issue. Do you do any meditating? I'm supposed to say yes, but I don't. I try to have like quiet moments. I'm not. I'm supposed to say yes. I'm supposed to say I'm really. My husband meditates.

He seems like he meditates. He's the perfect guy for you he's so chill he's so chill and i love him he always has like a slight smile and he's always like this like because you see him at the comedy store and he loves being there he loves like he gets to see like i'm not one of his favorite comics and i'm okay with that he loves seeing like mark maron and he loves seeing like he likes being there and when we could bring people and have drinks,

it's cool because he was a fan of comedy, not in a weird, before he met me and. You can't bring people there anymore? It's not like it was and maybe it is now, like I haven't been home

in a couple weeks but like it was a hang. It was a moment and but he's a, he's got a very still inner confidence. He's not loud. Yeah, he's an easy going guy. very still inner confidence he's not loud yeah he's a easygoing guy I always enjoy his company yeah and so it's a perfect for you yeah we're both we both really like me it's so true he's a sweet man he's great and

I never You know I get asked all these questions Because I'm a girl Like so You just got married I'm like it was three years ago Like we don't talk about this anymore

But there's all these Like questions about him And I'm like My husband's not in the act Because I don't wanna I'm protective of that Right of course

He's not an idiot I'm not a monster Like we have a very nice Normal marriage And that's not where I get my comedy from Well he's not a person He's not an idiot. I'm not a monster. Like, we have a very nice normal marriage, and that's not where I get my comedy from. Well, he's not a person. He's not a public person. He's not interested in that.

He doesn't read the comic. He is one of those. Good. And he's very, like, he's like, this is who I am. Healthy. He's healthy. Smart. But that's how, like, it's funny, you know,

because I've known you for so long, and you've had so many different relationships while I've known you, and it's like, like, it's funny, you know, because I've known you for so long and you've had so many different relationships while I've known you. And it's like, what is it? It's like you got to find the thing that works. And so many people, especially so many of us, so many comedians, you go through life and you don't find someone who fits you. You know, there's. I just ran into a comic the other night who told me he got divorced because his wife wanted him to quit comedy. Oof. I was like, fuck. I just ran into a comic the other night who told me he got divorced because his wife wanted him to quit comedy oof that's rough because

I mean was he successful he's doing alright he's not doing terrible it's tough because that is a big part of your communication when you get married like hey this is the other woman in my life her name is stand up like are you cool and I think some people think they're cool and then yeah I think

people sometimes long for normalcy right and they're tired of the guy like going on the road every weekend tired of them you know doing sets and I guess he could do other things and she was like I want you to quit he's like what that's such a if that's someone's passion like that's such an unfair ask I don't know what goes on in their home but like I don't know either yeah it's definitely you gotta have ground rules and that't know either. Yeah, it's definitely, you got to have ground rules. And that's one of the benefits of getting married a little bit older is like you are more of who you are. Right. It's less malleable based on suggestion.

And so like on our first date, I ran to do a set. Oh, really? That's hilarious. Was he with you? Yeah. Did he come with you? We met for a movie and I was wearing like jean shorts and I don't really wear shorts on stage. So I brought pants in my bag just in case the movie didn't go well.

So we got out. I was like, look, I got a set and, and would you like to come? And I was like, you're gonna have to see the act at some point. And he came.

First date. First date. That's hilarious. And the best part was, I mean, there's many great parts. There were drink tickets there. And my buddy Hunter who opens for me was running it.

And I handed a ticket to Noah. And I said, if you want to drink, you know, I'm going to go on stage because I don't drink before shows. And he said, no, I'll wait for you. And I thought that was real. And then we got obliterated. Together.

Well, that's cute. So it was a good start. It was a great start. Good character. Yeah. Showed good character. Well, again, it's like personality's fit. You got to find the fit for you. You the fit for you it should be easy this is what i always want to tell like

i don't have the key to success or relationships i'm not a guru it should always be easy oh he's going through something oh he didn't call no a man will move a mountain to see a girl that he likes it's easy it's gonna get harder and that's okay, but it should start easy. It should start fun, for sure. Fun for a very long time. Sexual. It should be all those things. But it should be fun and comfortable.

Like I felt like I knew him forever. That's rare, right? That's rare, but it's so nice if you could find someone like that. The other thing is like, he's also an artist, right? Like, chefs are artists. They really are. He's a writer, and he's an artist.

But I didn't think about chef, I didn't think about food as art until I watched Bourdain's show. Yeah. And I first watched the No Reservations when he had that show, and I was like, oh. And it kind of clicked. I was like, this isn't just making stuff that tastes good you're not a short order cook right yeah there's thought when he you know we have a cookbook he has a cookbook coming out we do a cooking show called don't panic pantry and he got a cookbook deal i knew we're at 220 episodes and we really we started doing it in the pandemic why don't you

tell me about this i didn't know i'm sure i did you don't answer every text i tried to get you to watch my movie i never heard back i said i'm on my way to you today nothing back i know my publicist was like are you sure joe's gonna be there and i honestly i was like sure i'm gonna be there i don't mail comics will be like totally and then you call it like me i totally forgot you never know not me i sent a confirmation text this morning listen you know I'll be there. I said it'll be fine. If I'm anything, I am reliable. I am not a flake. No, no, you're not a flake. But I just don't have time.

You don't have time. But my point is, so we got a cookbook deal with Knopf. Tell me about your show, the cooking show though. Joe, the show's called Don't Panic Pantry. And at the beginning of quarantine, you know, you're at home.

We're home for like two weeks at the beginning. And I was like, why don't we just do a cooking show? You know so much about food and you have so much information. And I, of course, I want to interact with people and entertain them. And this was at a time where people were still, we didn't have all the information we do now. People were still going out to buy groceries, spreading this virus. And so it was our effort to like encourage people, stay home and cook with what you have, it'll be okay. And saying things like, you know, you can go to an Indian market to get rice instead of going to Ralph's, your grocery store. It's okay to go to a Chinese market,

like you're not going to get sick, like people were thinking these things. So giving out healthy information, things like that, and teaching people, here's what you got, don't be precious about it. healthy information things like that and teaching people here's what you got don't be precious about it and we did it every day as a way to dispense information but also calm people so what'd you put on youtube it's on my instagram at igtv oh so if you go to my page and you just hit this and you hit like series and you go don't panic pantry even... No shit. We have 221 episodes. And how long are they usually? That's like a half hour or shorter. 220 fucking episodes. We did one every day for months.

Wow. And then I just started DMing companies to ask if they'd be our sponsors. So we got Dansk. We got Le Creuset. Wow. We just built it. And now we do it twice a week.

But he got a cookbook. There it is. Look at this. Don't Panic Pantry. It's super homemade, but it's a cookbook. There it is. Look at this. Don't panic pantry. It's super homemade, but it's become- Rice noodle salad with kale and edamame. It's become like appointment viewing. It's kind of like people find it very comforting.

We have a little- Wow. Some fan made all those. Those are all dishes that we- Well, they're on the- Dishes that we made. She made them out of clay. Wow.

People send stuff. And so it's become this nice thing, and he got a cookbook deal. So these are all his recipes. No shit. That's fucking cool. Good for you. I don't wear makeup. We're just in our kitchen.

I don't give a fuck. We got the dog. That's awesome. And we're there. I love how people innovated during the pandemic. A lot of people, it elevated them in many ways because it made them think out of the box and forced them to do stuff. You know, like how Burt Kreischer invented those drive-in movie shows.

Burt Kreischer invented not just drive-in movie shows, but as I understand it, stand-up comedy and I think podcasting, right? Yeah, he taught me everything I know. But also like Andrew Schultz invented that, like he did that sort of stand-up for Instagram thing that he was doing that turned into a series on Netflix. Did you ever see any of those stuff that he did? They're really good, really well-written. And it's like a series of rapid-fire jokes. He would say, turn your phone sideways.

He would start off with something. Would he bring up a point? And he'd say, turn your phone sideways. So when you turn your phone sideways, you would get the full screen image of it. And then he would have these rapid rapid fire joke, joke, joke about all these different people and different things and different like moments in history. And then when he did that, he sold it to Netflix.

And so he did, what did he do, like four of them for Netflix? So he did four of those for Netflix. They were awesome. And so he figured out a way to do something different and innovate. Tim Dillon figured out a way. Tim just started doing these ranting podcasts, wearing sunglasses, just making fun with his producer, Ben. And it was genius. Forcing yourself to come up with something else.

An alternative way to do it. Whether it is the drive-in shows or a podcast or a comedy show over Zoom, whatever. Something. Because the market dictates. If people don't like it, they don't do it yeah whether it is the drive-in shows or a podcast or a comedy show over zoom whatever something because the market dictates that people don't like they don't do it but you know a lot of people didn't innovate some people crumbled some people had to get out you know some people didn't weren't able to whatever but i think this coming out of this you know if you were healthy and you had the means to do something and expand your mind creatively i we couldn't do stand-up for so long i didn't i didn't want to do any zoom shows um good for you it's not my thing and they just they just don't work i understand why comics would want to do them if you didn't have to do it don't do it a lot of comics were like i didn't have to do

stand-up during the pandemic and i was like i didn't have to i wanted to and now i have a brand new hour because I work throughout. But like, I got a book deal during it. I was able to put energy toward writing and other things that I normally reserve that for standup. So, you know, it's just- You kept moving. You found a way.

You found a way. Found a new path. You kept moving. I gained like five pounds. Congratulations. Thank you. That's not bad for the pandemic. Bought a house like i did

a bunch of stuff that i normally would be like off time i'm going flying somewhere yeah i basically did everything the same except i moved here yeah you know we moved here and tested everybody but you know what not one guest turned positive not one guest was positive the only people that ever tested positive were jamie um tony hinchcliffe tested positive but he knew he was positive. The only people that ever tested positive were Jamie. Gross. Tony Hinchcliffe tested positive, but he knew he was positive when he got here. Cool. Well, we had him come here because he was feeling like shit. I said, come get tested. Right.

So he came down and got positive because we test every day. Right. And no other guests, like not one guest that came here was positive, which is kind of crazy because it's hundreds of guests. That's good. good for you. Yeah, but so it could be done, you know? I mean, it was expensive, especially the testing thing, especially in the beginning.

That's really expensive. That's very expensive. And then other than that, just didn't do standup for a long time. And then I did one weekend in July and I was like, Jesus Christ, I did it in Houston. in Houston I was like this seems risky I don't want to do this because I don't want to get someone else sick and then then I started doing these outdoor shows with Dave Dave Chappelle and then when we did that

because I hate when people do that you know use the one one one one name like well I actually first I was like Dave and then had you not said Chappelle, actually my first thought was Attell. I was like, I guess, I don't know. I would love to do shows with him too. But when we started doing those, we test the whole audience. Yes. Again, a very expensive endeavor. Yeah, really expensive. And then he ended up getting it.

Here in Austin, I'm pretty sure. He got it from his, I don't want to say who the dude was. Right, so not a great idea. It was, the problem was a guy he was hanging with was loose. And he was violating the bubble. They had a very serious bubble. And they did a great job with this. They really did.

But, you know, when you have a lot of friends, and Dave has a lot of friends, occasionally some of them fellas are knuckleheads. And they go out and hang around with a bunch of just randos. This is how a pandemic spreads in general. So it's not just a him problem but whatever yeah uh also they weren't taking the right vitamins they weren't like taking care of themselves they're drinking and partying all the time i mean everybody thinks oh i got my bubble and my friends only see one other person and it took people to really took time for people to like really wrap their minds around like especially if you live in a dense city look i get it if you live in like

nebraska this is not an imminent threat but if you live in a city like los angeles um with a lot of people who don't have access to resources and stuff like that it's a different threat yeah so i'm not going to preach about it but i'm going to say it was devastating for the city i live in yeah for sure the way dave did it was really brilliant, too, where he started doing those shows in Ohio in an outdoor wedding chapel. He's just fucking genius. Just so smart. Sure. Fly in all your friends.

I would have loved to have done one of those. And your audience can come. He's doing them now. I don't know him. I'll connect you. Okay. I think if he wanted me, he would have. Well, he'd probably have to meet you first.

We met. We were the only two comics at the Comedy Store Christmas Party one year, but I don't know. Yeah, it was of headlining comics, and I don't put myself in the same category as Dave Chappelle, so don't even. But yeah, it was just me, him, and no other bigger comics had shown up, at least for the hour or two we were there. I think we had a drink, but I don't... I have so much respect for him. He is one of the nicest people I've ever met in my life. He's so nice.

Very grounded and kind of like you, wrote his own ticket, like, I'll do whatever I want. Yeah. And I think that's the goal. He has no outward insecurity. He's really calm and easy to get along with and friendly with everybody don't you find that um the more successful of course they're insecure successful people but

you know like there's like a bottom feeder level and there's this sort of cannibalized like angry level of comedy you know and everyone's vying for and the more successful you become the more secure the more you sort of build your own reality and you got nothing to prove like there's no reason for him to be a dick because you have everything like you were saying like be nice like i have no reason to be mean right to a comic coming up unless you're threatened which you shouldn't be which i'm not and so i think you know getting to a place where you can take that breath and yeah be successful i think that's it's healthy it's nice when you're successful in those people. Yeah. Because it's sad when someone makes it

and they're still fucked up. Yeah. And they still treat the world like they're starving and clawing and scratching and... It's a character flaw. Yeah. Yeah, it is. I have to pee.

Okay. Let's wrap this up, Eliza. Tell everybody about your movie. It's on Netflix. When does it come out? It's out today. Oh, shit! That was the whole reason I came here to bookend our story!

Tell people the name of your film. I can't remember. Really? No, it's called Good on Paper. It's on Netflix and I thought it would be there as my trailer. There it is. Will you at least watch the trailer? At the store. Yeah, look at that. I sent you everything. Look at that. Oh, you got her to do it. You got Margaret Cho. Look at that. It's color corrected so I look nice. You do look very nice.

The director was like, wear red. And I was like, okay, I could do that. Based on a not mostly true love story, Eliza Schlesinger. And there's the guy. Yeah, that's Ryan Hansen, who played Dennis Kelly. And he wore these fake teeth. And he is a leading man who played a creep so well. He wore fake teeth to make him look goofy?

Day one, he's like, I got a tooth guy. And he showed up with these big teeth. And the story is the story that we've told on this podcast. Wow. And I made this movie. And Netflix bought it. Universal was the distributor. It's giving me the creeps just watching this.

Knowing that the guy in the movie is a liar. Yeah. But you watch it hoping, you know, it's got some twists and turns. It's giving me the creeps just watching this. Knowing that the guy in the movie is a liar. Yeah. But you watch it hoping, you know, it's got some twists and turns. I look fat in that scene, so we'll just move past that. You don't look fat. There's one shot where I'm standing and it's like, oh no, bad sweater. I will watch this. I will watch this.

That's me in the shorts I'm wearing now. Please do. I would love your opinion on it. I will watch it. I will watch it. So it's called Good on Paper. It's out today. All right.

And thank you so much for having me. I love you. I love you. Come on. Can I have an Onnit bar? Yeah, sure. Thank you. Got a whole fucking machine full of them. Alright, Liza Schlesinger, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.