The Joe Rogan Experience - #1681 - Brian Simpson

Episode Date: July 12, 2021

Brian Simpson is a standup comedian and host of the podcast "BS with Brian Simpson."

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. Hello, Brian Simpson. What's going on, man? Good to see you, my friend. Hell yeah. What's happening? I'm chilling, man.

I'm just living my best life. That's the thing that a lot of people say and they don't really mean it. But I believe you. I mean that shit. I believe you. I mean that shit. I believe you. Yeah. Last night was fun, right? Hell yeah.

Those shows at Vulcan are lit. That was a good-ass crowd, man. They're real good. Always good crowds there. It's a good spot, too, because everybody's on top of you. You're just in the mix of everything. Once they shortened that stage, remember how they had the double stage and they knocked it down? Yeah, yeah.

Well, I find it as I'm going around more and more like it was almost like like zany's and nashville was like any club that has like a little like people up above you i love that shit yeah yeah well anytime they're just stuffed in on top of you like one of the best clubs i ever worked at was the comedy connectionion in Boston. Not the one in Faneuil Hall, but the old one, the original one. It was, I mean, it maybe sat 150 people, but they were stuffed into this room with like a low ceiling. And it was magic, man. You would kill and it was so contagious. The laughter was so contagious.

Yeah. Because everybody just smushed on top of each other. Where'd you start? I started comedy in San Diego. Really? Yeah. At La Jolla? Where'd you start? I started comedy in San Diego. Really? At La Jolla? Where'd you go? No, no, I started on a club called The Madhouse.

Oh, okay. I heard of that place. Diaz used to do that place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like started by comics or a comic and it was just one of those places where I got lucky right away. They started giving me a lot of stage time. I started.

Because I started right when they opened. Were you from San Diego? No, but I got stationed there a long time ago. And I went back there to go to school. And that's where I just told them to start. What branch of the military are you in? Marine Corps. And so did you always know you wanted to be a comic?

Like, where did it come from? Nah. I kept being told to do that. I tell the story all the time, but I was the only black person in my platoon for a couple of years. And before I got there, some racial shit went down and they like you know somebody officer got removed and they took black people out of the unit and I was the first black person back in the unit and I didn't know none of this and then and then I got the damn you know it I could feel everyone like walking on eggshells around me and one one day my warrant officer asked me, like, hey, how you doing?

I was like, is everybody treating you well? And I was like, well, sir, everybody's fucking acting weird. I can hear conversations hush up when I come in the room. You can feel people editing themselves and shit. And then he told me what happened. And I realized this can't work. So I so i told everybody hey just say whatever you want to say don't worry about if you offend me because if you do i'm just going to try to hurt your feelings too you know like i'm gonna say what i want and you say what you want and i'm gonna win

most of those you know and then i so then i sort of had like a little more leeway than everybody else to speak my mind right and so every now and then i would say some shit that i knew everybody was thinking but nobody could say but me and it would people would laugh and that's when I started realizing oh I can make that can do this like just me complaining is funny so do you had no thoughts like one day I want to be a stand-up comedian it was sort of introduced into your head by that yeah yeah like I started getting laughs all the time. Like, all the time. And those friends were the ones that started being like,

you should do fucking comedy. You know? That's when I started wanting to do it. And what year did you get on stage first? 2011. How much did you think about it before you did it? How long? Did you, like, write it out?

Oh, yeah. Did you practice? I think I wrote my first joke in, like, 2005. Oh, wow. And I waited six I think I wrote my first joke in, like, 2005. Oh, wow. And I waited six years to get on stage. Wow. So it was brewing in your head. Oh, yeah. It was brewing and brewing and brewing.

But, you know, because you have that thing where you're afraid to go after something like that. Because at the time I was in school, and it's like, am I really going to give up my safe plan for a pipe dream a pipe dream and it's like yeah i think so dude this whiskey is good what is this yeah this is smooth it's called uh is this the stuff that what's more scotch yes but is this who brought us this i'm trying to remember it wasn't only a couple weeks ago too what was it eliza it may have been with that other... I don't remember, though. Maybe. It's called Lafro-A-I-C? Lafroig? I used to say that. Oh, it's a G.

Lafroig? Lafroig? Lafroig. I'm not sure. Irish single malt scotch whiskey, aged 10 years. It's real shit, though. It's peaty, right? It's probably...

It tastes like... It's got that... Laphroaig. There you go. Laphroaig. Laphroaig. It's got that peaty taste. Is that the right word? It doesn't taste like any whiskey I've ever tasted.

It's good. But it's good. I like it a lot. It's legit. There's a lot of good whiskey out there. That's one of the things about this podcast. They found out that I like whiskey, so I got sent a whole shitload of whiskey. Have you tried them all? a whole shitload of whiskey.

Have you tried them all? Tried basically all of them, yeah. Buffalo Trace is a sponsor. They're the shit. That's my favorite in that it's the oldest company that I've ever even heard of. They're from 1773. Really? Yeah, they started making whiskey

before there was a country. The United States wasn't even fully formed yet. Damn, how come they're not more popular? Buffalo Trace, they're pretty popular but they're like you know like super hardcore about their like their aging like they that's aged eight years and then this shit is 10 years this lafrague how you say it lafrague lafrogue lafrogue like a frog like a frog with a y still austin's another company that sent us a batch of shit. It's really good.

Really good stuff. Yeah, I feel like every time I see you, it's a different kind of whiskey. Yeah, I decided I like alcohol that I know it's alcohol. Like, I don't mind a nice fruity drink. I don't mind a pina colada, but I like when you drink whiskey, you know what the fuck you're getting into. You know? You drink it, you're like, yikes. Yeah, you're like drinking a tree.

That tastes like a tree. It tastes, it's got a kick, you know? It's like, I like things with a, I like a really spicy hot sauce. I like stuff with kicks, you know? Yeah, I'm a fan. I mean, I'm not a fan of, I don't want the shit to be spicy for no reason.

Oh, okay. Where it's, like, you know, I got friends, we used to play this shit called, or they used to play this shit called, like, Hot Wing Roulette. Oh, like that show Hot Ones? Something like that, except we would, like, go to Hooters or something and get, like, 25 or 20 regular wings and then get five of like the crazy, shitty ones that you gotta sign a waiver for and then mix them all together. Oh, so you don't know. Right, and then I get to pick which wing you have to eat. So I go, eat that one.

And so it's just to see who's gonna get the fucking, the shitty one. The death one. Yeah. There used to be a place near Boston Comedy in New York City. Back when Boston Comedy was in the village, there was a place, a wing place.

I'm trying to remember the place. Trying to remember the name of it, but I do remember that they had wings that were labeled suicide. They were so strong. They were so hot. You had all these different levels that you could choose, and one of them was suicide. I used to get those suicide

wings every time I worked there. They were ridiculous. They were so hot. It hurts. Yeah. And then it burns your asshole later. No, that doesn't happen with me. I don't get the asshole burn, but I do get the tongue numbing where your tongue is like, oh.

But I like it. I like real spicy. Dude, am I? Yeah, the shooting star. Oh, man, you got a war, motherfuckers, about that? Bro, I thought. I was like, what was in that edible? Was that shrooms?

I thought I was watching. Okay. Yeah. It's like a Rolls Royce has one of those on their ceiling. No, that's cool. Some Rolls Royces, right? Which one is it? The Phantom?

Maybe all of them. I don't know. Which one is it? The Phantom? Maybe all of them. I don't know. How do you feel about the Olympics banning Sha'Carri Richardson? 100% horse shit.

First of all, I think the Olympics are disgusting because that lady should be getting paid millions of dollars. All of them should be getting paid millions of dollars. All the winners, the gold medals, all those people that are generating insane amounts of wealth for the Olympics, they should get a giant piece of that. They're responsible for the reason why people watch the Olympics. No one's watching the Olympics because it's the Olympics. They're watching the Olympics because you see the best athletes on the world, right? You see the best athletes who have gone through all these competitions and reached this insane pinnacle of their skill development, right? And they're getting nothing.

They're getting zero. And the whole world, right? And they're getting nothing. They're getting zero. And the whole world's watching. And they're selling crazy advertisement. And that money's being generated. And the networks are making it. And the IOC is making it. And all these other people are making it. And the athletes, the whole reason people are tuning in,

they get nothing. It's insane. It's a disgusting, corrupt system. It's gross. And then a lot of times the cities that they move into, like once they're gone. They fall the fuck apart. Oh, yeah Yeah, well it's a lot of times you know these countries they build up this whole thing for the Olympics And they're incentivized and there's a lot of money that flows into the city and then once they pull out of that I mean the people that live in that country like hey, why didn't you spend that shit on infrastructure why don't you spend that shit to fix the bridges and the streets and to

you know to fucking fix these communities but there's no money in that i don't give a fuck about dirty dirty fucks but i i think it's infuriating that this lady who is uh apparently like she's a shoe-in for the gold medal in the hundred meters she's supposed to be spectacular and they're not going to let her run that but they're going to let her run the relay Apparently she's a shoo-in for the gold medal in the 100 meters. She's supposed to be spectacular. And they're not going to let her run that. But they're going to let her run the relay. Like, fuck you. Oh, they're going to let her run? Yeah, they're going to let her run.

Yeah, because if she doesn't run the relay, America probably doesn't win. I mean, I don't know. I don't know jack shit about track and field. I think she's kept off. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you mean? Exclusion from the relay team.

Yeah, I saw that last night. Oh, this is new? Mm-hmm. She's not on the team. But for weed, though. For weed. It's so dumb. It's so dumb.

For weed. It's so dumb. Look, if they caught her doing steroids or EPO, okay. I get it. Okay. But man, there was a lot of people accusing her of steroids. There was a lot of people accusing her of a conspiracy. So the reason why she smoked weed was so that she could get caught for weed and not get caught for steroids

I was reading this and I'm like people can't just look at things for what they are everyone has to look at things with this conspiracy theory lens that's just idiots people that peddle in conspiracies

it's like they it's a substitute for doing the work to become actually intelligent. You just say the opposite of what everyone's saying. It is. However, track and field apparently has been one of the dirtiest sports. Like they have been cheating from the jump.

Oh yeah. Apparently like most countries cheat. They try to figure out a way to juice their athletes up. I mean, that's every athlete. Did you ever see that movie Icarus? No. The documentary? It's a documentary about the Sochi Olympic Games.

Well, it's a documentary about doping. And what it was about was this guy, Brian Fogle. And he decided to make this documentary. It was a brilliant idea. He said, I'm going to do a race, clean. I'm going to do, like, Brian Fogle. And he decided to make this documentary. It was a brilliant idea. He said, I'm going to do a race, clean. I'm going to do like a cycling race. He was a cyclist. He's like, I'm going to do a race clean. And then I'm going to hire someone to dope me up. And I'm going to document it all. I'm going to hire someone to give me EPO and steroids and everything I can take. And let me try to do it again and see how much better my time is.

So along the way, while he's doing this, he's getting all this advice on how to do doping by this guy, Gregory Rechenkov. Gregory Rechenkov is the head of the Russian anti-doping agency, which is not really anti-doping at all. The Russian anti-doping agency is state-funded. The Russian anti-doping agency is state-funded. So while he's doing this documentary, Russia gets busted for the Sochi Olympics. And with the Sochi Olympics,

it was like this super sophisticated doping strategy. What they would do is they doped up the entire team, but it was in Russia. So they had control of where the bottles were kept of the piss. So they had a hole in the wall and so they would take the dirty piss out put it through a hole in the wall and then someone would give them a clean Piss and they were replaced the clean piss and they they they figured out a way to open these jars That were supposed to be unopened abal they had the Olympics had developed these these jars that you could not open them

They had the Olympics that developed these jars that you could not open them. But the Russians figured out how to open them. And they found these microscopic scratches inside the jars, inside the lid, that indicate that somebody had manipulated them. So then they do this deep dive investigation. They find out that this is not their piss at all. And that this is all clean piss that was substituted for their piss to make everybody test negative. Meanwhile, the Russians won more gold medals than anybody. They just dominated in everything because all their athletes were juiced up.

Gregory said they juiced up everybody except the figure skaters because apparently female figure skaters, when they juiced them up, it actually didn't help them at all. It fucked with their fine motor skills because figure skating is such a delicate thing. When you're doing those spins and shit like that, it didn't. And it made the girls too manly, a little too manly. That's fucked up. Yeah. It's a great documentary, though.

And then the Russians got banned from everything? They got banned from everything. From the Rio Olympics afterwards, Russians could only compete as individuals. They couldn't compete for Russia. And then they banned a bunch of different Russian athletes. I'm not sure exactly what the specifics are, but it was a big fucking deal.

It was a big deal. And it was basically all documented. He got lucky. Like this guy, Brian Fogle, who's a tremendous documentary maker. I mean, he's amazing. I've had him on a couple of times. He's also a guy that wrote that,

he made that film, The Dissident, which is all about the murder of Jamal Khashoggi, who's the journalist from the Washington Post who was killed by the Saudis because he was criticizing them. Bro, they chopped him up and carried him out in briefcases. He went to an embassy.

Was this what the whole like saudi prince thing was about yes oh shit okay yes yes yes yeah i never looked into it yeah he got he had somebody killed for just saying fucked up shit about him while criticizing the government you know he was uh i think he he used to work with them and then he started criticizing them and then they just decided just whack him yeah but but this guy brian fogel documented that too he's amazing he's his documentaries are incredible but this icarus he got the plug on everything everybody that watches the olympics please please watch this documentary icarus so you understand how corrupt all that shit is. Yeah. It's so insanely corrupt.

It's just, it's a propaganda vehicle for each individual country. They're just trying to show that their country's number one and they'll do anything to do that. I'm surprised we haven't been caught doing something like that. I wonder, I don't know if the United States participates in state funded anti-doping, but I do know that individuals have doped, for sure. Oh, yeah. There's, like, sneaky strategies. Yeah, because it doesn't have to be the state if you have capitalism. Like, if it's profitable, people will cheat, you know, on their own. Well, there was, what is the guy's name from Balco?

He'd been on the podcast before. Yeah, Victor Conte. Victor Conte, he's the one who said that basically all track and field is dirty. He's like, particularly like, look at these countries that dominate in track and field. He goes, most likely there's some sort of state-funded doping program. And they're just either microdosing these people with testosterone or sneaking EPO in them. They're doing something where they're doing it at levels where either they don't get tested regularly or by the time they do get tested, they make sure it clears out of their system. But they have like super sophisticated methods to make sure that they don't get caught.

It sounds like eventually they're going to have to start letting people dope. Well, you know what the real problem is? The real problem is gene therapy because one of these days they're going to devise gene therapy for athletes that's effective because they have this thing called crisper and crisper is terrifying you know what crisper is yeah they can like they can like slice like edit genes with it and shit yeah man that's i think that's the scariest thing that no one's talking about how you could you know you can just buy one of those on the internet like somebody. Like some kid in their basement with a couple thousand dollars can just be in there fucking experimenting with shit.

Can you? Yeah. I mean, it's not like you can go on Amazon and get one, but I'm sure you can buy one on the dark web or some shit like that. Probably. Yeah. It's terrifying. What was that one documentary, Odessa, Operation Odessa?

In Operation Odessa, they were trying to sell this dude a submarine, and they asked him if he wanted to buy nuclear weapons, too. They were trying to sell him a submarine for drugs. He was going to smuggle drugs with a Russian submarine, and while he's there, they're like, do you want the nuclear missile? And he's like, what? No, I don't want a fucking missile. No.

And why does it need to be nuclear? Because the Russians. Russians take everything to the next level. You imagine you're buying a sub to sell Coke, right? You're trying to move Coke. And so you get a submarine so you can sneak past the DEA and they ask you if you want a nuclear bomb. Right.

Imagine if you're so coked up you say yes. You're going to nuke the DEA and they ask you if you want a nuclear bomb. Right. Imagine if you're so coked up you say yes. You're going to nuke the DEA and kill yourself with the process? Yeah, imagine. Imagine if you see a mushroom cloud in the middle of the ocean. Boom! You're nuking the fucking Coast Guard. Yeah. Or it starts raining like irradiated cocaine.

Ooh, wow. Wow. That's heavy. I think we just had a movie idea. Starts raining, irradiated cocaine, everybody steps outside. It's a new super aggro Godzilla, because Godzilla was supposedly created because of nuclear weapons. Right. That was the Godzilla, the original Godzilla story was like, the original Godzilla movie was post-World War II in Japan, and they got nuked.

So the idea was that this nuclear radiation had changed these creatures and turned them into monsters. Well, he'd be like the Wrath of Man or whatever. Right. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know about the fucking— See, you know what the problem is with the weed shit is that it's really our fault because we're such fucking prudes. We need to legalize all drugs.

Yes. And it's the fact that we leave it up to be picking and choosing of what's good drug and what's bad drug that we allow these bodies to exist to make up these dumbass rules. I say legalize everything. I want crack in the store. I want heroin in the store. I want heroin in the store. I want every recreational drug available. If it's not poison, let it go. The problem is there's going to be a time period

where a lot of people die, and then people figure it out. And if that's your kid that dies during that time period, that's what people are worried about. People are worried about children overdosing, young kids overdosing. So they're worried about people that have never had access to these drugs now all of a sudden have unfettered access. And you can just buy whatever you want.

But the idea behind it, legalizing everything, it's a good idea because there's so much that's already legal. I mean, look at the problem we have with opiates in this country. Those are all legal. You're buying Oxycontin and Oxycodone and Vicodin and all that stuff. that's already legal. I mean, look at the problem we have with opiates in this country. Those are all legal. You're buying Oxycontin and Oxycodone and Vicodin and all that stuff. That stuff is legal. So people get it, whether it's through legal or illegal means. It's legally made and it's legally sold. It's legally prescribed for people with pain.

Yeah. You could get it. All you have to do is say your back hurts. There was a documentary about that shit, the opioid shit. Oh, yeah. One of them called Oxycontin Express. Did was a documentary about that shit, the opioid shit. Oh, yeah. One of them called Oxycontin Express. Did you see that one? No, no, no.

Which one are you talking about? I forget the name, but I think it's the one on Netflix. But they were, like, one that recently came out on Netflix, and they were just talking about how it's just the biggest, the crime of the century. Yeah. Well, it is. And, you know, there's a lot of countries where they don't allow, well, most countries don't allow people to advertise for drugs. This is the only country where they allow you. They can have drug ads on TV.

This country and New Zealand, the only two countries that allow that. This is it, the pharmacist. No, that wasn't it. It's another one. After his tragic death, a Louisiana pharmacist goes to extremes to expose the rampant corruption behind the opioid addiction crisis. Yeah. See, this is the argument against legalization, though, right? Because it was everywhere and kids could just try it.

It was readily available and you didn't really even need a prescription to get it. You know, kids could get it. Some asshole who's 21 can buy it, and he could sell it to your kids. It's a tough sell, because, like, I've never tried heroin. But who knows if I would if it was legal, if I could just get it anywhere. When I was young and dumb, I probably would have tried it. Yeah, and what the thing is, it's like, I think, because I think some people look at it like we're choosing between just fucking chaos or this world where everyone's safe. People are unsafe in either world.

The difference between the world where everything's legal and what we have now is just that people get fucked over for bullshit. People that got their shit together, people that can do heroin. I know mad functional crackheads that got a family and a job and everything right and they just smoke crack like we drink beers or like we drink whiskey because that's just that's their whiskey they love crack well there's also educated people that enjoy heroin i mean i've talked about him a million times but again dr carl hart he's a professor at columbia is he black yeah oh yeah i saw him when he came when he came out last year he was like doing heroin a Hart, he's a professor at Columbia. Is he black? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I saw him when he came out last year.

He was like doing heroin a little bit. He's been on my podcast a couple of times and he was on recently. And, you know, he talks openly about how he enjoys heroin and about heroin. Like he'll snort a little heroin and he said it makes him more compassionate, makes him kinder. He's nicer to his wife. He's nicer to his family. It's like he talks about how it makes him closer to people but he's a genius yeah and he's a guy who's also a guy who studies these chemicals he was like a complete clean sober guy until he was in his 30s and then he starts researching all

these drugs and because he's a drug researcher it's what he did he's a clinical researcher so in the process of researching and he's realizing like we have a completely distorted public image of what these things are and do and he's like real cocaine like actual cocaine heels is wonderful he goes is great you would love it it's like the problem is this shit that you're buying that stepped on it's filled with fentanyl and and and all kinds of other stuff you. Because of the fact that it's illegal, we're propping up all these drug cartels, these organized crime cartels. And then on top of it, you're not even getting pure shit because they step on it. Can you imagine if the companies that already do that shit got in the real drug game?

Well, at least you'd get real stuff. You'd get it pure. I mean, if they got in the pure cocaine game and we realize hey pure cocaine actually just makes you really productive just talk a lot right you just get a brand name when they love fucking Kellogg's cocaine yeah I've never fucked with coke I've never even tried it it's not worth it I had a friend in high school and his cousin became an addict and I saw it early on. I was like, fuck that drug. All the people I know that love cocaine are pieces of shit.

Like all the ones, because it literally, that's the effect that like long-term coke use, it destroys, it turns you into an asshole like in your mind. It like destroys the part of your mind that's like chill. Right.

Yeah, and you slowly get fucking nuts. Like everybody I know that's been on it for a long time and like goes on multiple benders, they're always assholes. It's just turned them into just the shittiest version of themselves. They get paranoid. They start thinking people are against them. Well, I think we're getting that with Adderall. Oh, yeah.

There's a lot of people out there that are super paranoid that take Adderall. And most of those people are the ones getting college degrees like they doing it and they they get the habit in school they get the degree and they fucking run the society well they can get that you can do a lot of work when you're on adderall apparently i've never that's another thing i've never tried but i'm thinking about trying it no because um i i've i don't know the fucking research to quote, but I've read that it doesn't actually make you do better work. It just makes you do the shitty work you're doing because you're tired. It just makes you be able to do that for longer. I think it depends on who you are.

Well, first of all, I know for a fact, because I have friends that are journalists, that a lot of journalists are doing Adderall. that are journalists that a lot of journalists are doing Adderall. They're doing Adderall because if you, say if you're writing, what if you have to write a 2,500 word essay on something and you have like three weeks to do it or whatever you have and you're just grinding around the clock, you know, it's hard to keep up your energy. Especially if you look at a lot of these guys, they're not healthy, they don't exercise,

they're not fit and then maybe don't have the best discipline in the world. They pop a couple of They don't exercise. They're not fit. And they maybe don't have the best discipline in the world. They pop a couple of, what color Adderalls? White. White. A couple of those white jammies. Get that party started. Woo! And it's basically a form of amphetamine. It's not much

different than meth. Yeah, it's pretty much the same, right? Pretty much. Yeah. It's just slightly different. And I think maybe it's like a the same right pretty much yeah it's just slightly different and i think maybe it's like a little bit more of a slow release thing than than some of the the you know like the fucking um breaking bad meth oh yeah but no but you can but the slow release coating is just on the outside you just crush it up and it's gone well i had a friend of mine who was a writer he used to snort it he used to crush it up and snort it. And his wife got furious at him.

She's like, what the fuck are you doing? He's like, I got a deadline. She's like, you're snorting drugs. I'm for it. You guys just had it all. I'm for it. If the drugs you're doing are making you better, you know, because to me it's like your addiction is not a problem until it's affecting your life negatively.

And you can't stop. That's when it not a problem until it's affecting your life negatively. And you can't stop. That's when it's a problem. But it's like if the drugs you're doing are improving your life, then I don't see the problem. If you're Carl Hart, if you can handle it, if you're an intelligent person that understands what you're doing. The problem is a lot of people are not intelligent. They don't understand what they're doing,

and they're looking for escapes. Some people are just looking to escape reality. And they're looking to escape their responsibilities. And a lot of people one of the reasons why they want to get fucked up in the first place is because there's a lot of shit that they need to handle and deal with that they're not dealing with. Whether it's bills

or relationship shit or work shit or whatever the fuck it is and so they just get blasted you know yeah but that's some for some people that's the only happiness they got right let them get fucked up right that's the that's the other side of it right yeah especially if you can keep it's like i mean imagine if because there are some people whose lives are just mostly misery. You know what I mean? And it's like people get upset at homeless people for being fucked up all the time.

It's like 90% of his life is misery. That's why he goes so hard on the drugs. Right. For sure. You ever heard of the rat farm study that they did? They did this thing with rats. They did two studies. They did one study where they took rats and they gave them water that had heroin and cocaine in it.

I talked about it the other day with Michael Pollan. He explained it. And this study, they showed that the rats, when you lock them up in this little cage and you give them water that has heroin or cocaine in it, that they don't even eat, they don't breathe, they don't do anything. They just keep hitting the cocaine and keep hitting the heroin, and they wind up doing that until they die.

And so this other guy came along and said, okay, but this is a completely unnatural environment that these animals are living in. They're living in a cage, they're getting stared at all the time. So he decided to make a really big cage, like the size of a room. And he filled it up with trees. And it's called a rat park study. And he made a really big room. And he made it like real fun. He put toys in there and he put these other rats in there and plenty of food and brush and trees and shit and stuff to hang out in and he also put regular water and then he put the water that has the heroin and the morphine or and the cocaine

and they barely fucked with the water with the heroin and the cocaine they touched it a little bit and went back to work and they went and played and hung out and sometimes some rats did it more than others but none of them just did it until they died and none of them did it and didn't breed and didn't like hang out and eat food. They were living in an unnatural environment where they're under extreme stress. Like, imagine you don't have a language, right? You're an animal that's supposed to be living free out in the world. And then all of a sudden, you're in this weird box under fluorescent lights, and you've got

a cage. And then the only pleasure is this cocaine. And so you just keep hitting that cocaine because your life sucks. It's the same. Yeah. I was reading something about people that came back from Vietnam and how after they surveyed or studied them, they found out that it wasn't everyone that was on heroin

was a dope thing when they came back. It was the people that came back to loving environments where they had support and family and love. They were fine. They'd stop doing heroin. In fact, they said that 95% quit. 95%.

Only 5% kept doing heroin after they came back from NAMM. That's crazy. Right, and then you got to think about 5%. Maybe that 5% are the people that saw the most shit. Is that lighter out of juice? No. Is it? No. It's crazy. Right. And then you got to think about that 5%. Maybe that 5% are the people that saw the most shit. Is that lighter out of juice? No.

Is it? No. That's good. I thought it was about to die. No. That was good? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's how it is with people, man.

Like, we don't want to live in a horrible way where we have no love and we have no community and no friendship. I mean, we see those people on 6th Street, right? Down the street from Vulcan at that homeless center. I would do drugs too if I lived there. Yeah. Every time I got the chance. Yeah.

I mean, I got somewhere to live and I still get so low sometimes where I be like, I got to get high or drunk or something. Yeah. So it's like, let them get high. That's the least of our problems. Everybody needs community. Everybody. Yeah.

So for me, being scared to legalize drugs because you don't want people to completely do it, it's almost like, like you said, if we created a world that people didn't want to escape from, then it would be like doing drugs would just be like going to the amusement park. It's like, we're doing heroin this summer. know we're shrooming with grandma and that's possible man that's not it's not impossible it's just people are so greedy people are so greedy

and there's a lot of incentives in being greedy and not a lot of incentives of establishing like really beneficial communities for all but if they looked at it the right way, if our government looked at it the right way, if there was less crime and less distressed people and less fucked up people, you'd have to spend less money because you'd have less hospital visits, less prison money,

you'd have less crime, you'd have less everything. You'd have a better environment. You'd have a more loving community. Yeah. It's possible. I don't know man we need mushrooms I wish I wish I do you think it's likely though do you think do you think it's cuz I feel like like you said we live in a world now where most people are you're almost incentivized to be your worst self.

I don't know about that. No? Nah, I don't think so. I don't think you're incentivized to be your worst self. I think the problem with being your worst self, remember we were having this conversation last night without mentioning any names about comedy, is that comedians need community.

We need each other. And the comics that we know that are the most miserable, they don't have any comic friends. They're all real selfish and they don't support each other and they're all out there on their own. And they think that somehow or another, hey, it's fucking me against the world. They have that sort of attitude. But it's not you against the world. Because even if you win, if you really think like that, it's you and fuck everybody else. The problem is then you're out there on your own.

And even if you make it, you're lonely. Right. You're lonely. You have no companionship. It's miserable. You also have no colleagues. Like one of the best things about comedy is colleagues. Like when we were talking shop last night before the show, we're talking about bits.

Like changing bits and altering bits. And, you know, Tony had a bit and I gave him a tagline to it i'm like oh i can't wait to see you do that bit you know it's exciting man watching each other succeed is exciting it's fun it's part of the fun when you have friends and you love them and you see them kill that's part of the fun of this it's the best shit yeah when your friends get shit. Yeah. When your friends get Netflix specials like Brian Simpson. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you.

They're announcing it today. I'm on the... We didn't know that we could talk about it. We were going to try to dance around it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, they gave me the green light. Did you have to ask them for the green light? No, it just so happened,

I forgot to check on it, and then somebody messaged me. Oh, synchronicity. They did a press release, but yeah, I'm on the third season of the stand-ups. You are a funny motherfucker. You made me laugh hard. You know, Segura told me how funny you were,

but you, I love watching someone I have never seen before murder. I love it. It's one of my favorite things, because I don't know what you're gonna say, I don't know what you're gonna say I don't know what your act is I don't know what your perspective is so it's feeling it's pure it's like I get to be an audience member I don't know shit about you I just know you come highly recommended and I saw you the first time we worked together was only a

few weeks ago you fucking murdered it was fun it was very exciting yeah it's it's wild to feel like sagura because like i mean that's a perfect example what you were talking about is like he saw me be funny somewhere like a few years back four or five years ago and he was like oh dude i need to introduce you to everybody like you come come on come do my podcast come on the road with me like everyone needs to know how funny you are yeah just off that yeah you know i i ain't know him at all before that that's what we do man yeah and and when i if like if you don't got that that's that's gotta that's gotta be miserable well it's bad for the business first of all if you're a comic and you uh first of all everybody got into comedy because they love comedy right

we all get into it and who could help comedy more than other comedians? You can help. If someone likes you and they go, oh, Brian Simpson, I'm a giant fan. He's hilarious. And he's real honest and he's a cool motherfucker. And then Brian Simpson says, you got to listen to Ian Edwards. That fucking dude is hilarious. And then people are going to go, oh, okay. I'll check out that guy now.

And as long as you don't boost anybody up who sucks, that's a problem. Yeah, that's the hard part. That's the tough part. I'm done. You done with this? I'm going to put this down. I'm too high. I can't think. But as long as you don't boost anybody up who sucks, the audience is always going to trust you.

And, you know, I mean, there's different tastes. Some people don't like certain things. Some people like other comics more than they like this one or that one. It's fine. That's part of being a person. But the point is we all got into this because we love comedy so we should help each other but the old days were like famine thinking everybody thought that if you made it like all of a sudden if i look up and now brian simpson is selling out madison square garden like fuck that should be me that's

nonsense that's how they think like people were thinking in a way where if someone did really well, somehow or another that was bad for them. It's just famine thinking. That's all it is. And maybe there was some merit to that back then. Back then. But now there's no certain number of spots. No. You can make your own way.

You can have your own fans. And if you open up your own club and you start selling out every night that's great for everybody then more people are going to come it's great for everybody dude when i lived in boston and this is in the 1980s there was on one block on warrenton street there was nick's comedy stop which had three rooms running simultaneously i'm talking on the same block like not even 200 yards away was the comedy connection like you could literally run there in less than a minute oh wow the comedy connections right there and then the comedy connection was below the comedy club at the charles playhouse so there was Comedy Connection downstairs and then sometimes we would work up,

Mike Clark had a club upstairs for a bit. Then you would go across the street and it was Duck Soup, which was a real high-end comedy club that Paul Barkley and Bill Downs put together. They were the original owners of the Comedy Connection. They said, let's do a super, really nice, high-end, super clean.

Turns out, not a good idea Like it's a little too nice like and they wanted everything to be clean like commies gotta be you gotta have dinginess little Floors I refuse any gigs where it's like you got to be clean. I don't want to I'll be miserable I don't want to do that They just took a chance, but the point is you got one room here with three rooms, and then you got another room here So that's a fourth then you got another room here, so that's a fourth room. You got above it, you got a fifth room, and then over here, you got a sixth room in one

block. Six rooms in one block, and then over there, you had Dick Doherty's Comedy Vault. There was only a block away from that. You'll get good fast with that kind of fucking stage. Bro, and it didn't suffer. No one suffered. No one was dying. They were all packed every night, and then you go on the other side of town, there was

Stitches. Stitches was a great club, too. one was dying. They were all packed every night. And then you'd go on the other side of town and there was Stitches. Stitches was a great club too. It was crazy. And Boston's not that big. It's not an enormous place. That's something that could be done anywhere where it just starts happening. It could have happened a little bit on Sunset

because you had the Laugh Factory, which always does really well. And then down the street you got the store. And then across the other side you have the Impugh Factory, which always does really well, and then down the street you got the store, and then across the other side you have the improv on Melrose, which is only a few miles away. Yeah, you could walk there in like 15 minutes. Yeah, but that is what it takes. Like, it takes that for everybody,

and it's good, and if you look at that period of comedy in Boston, it was incredible. Why do you think those eras end? What happens that caused them to collapse? Because I hear that magic. There's always a period like that where this is when it was magic in this city. And this is when this comic and that comic and this comic came out of there. And then those places always sort of fade.

Yeah. It's a good question. Most of those clubs aren't around anymore, right? Most of those clubs are not around. I think Nick's Comedy Stop is still around. And the Comedy Connection, now Blumenwright, who's awesome, I've been working for him for, Bill Blumenwright is the owner of the Wilbur Theater.

He does the Comedy Connection there. He does all my gigs in Boston. He, when I first started working for him, was like 1989 or some shit. Like a long time ago, man man i've known that dude forever and so he keeps comedy alive with the wilbur because he brings in like big headliners all the time i think he has another theater now as well so he's he's like a big thing going on in boston and they still have a few clubs there and they got laugh boston which is pretty good but it's just for whatever reason maybe it's going through a little a little dip and then it'll come back

strong but when i left man it was like the guys that were in my era were uh it was i left nick de paulo was before me so it was like him and um uhon was before me. They were established and they were touring already. And then it was my era. It was like me. And then it was Dane Cook and Anthony Clark. There's a few other guys. I'm probably, oh, Greg Fitzsimmons was with me. That was my era.

And then when we left, then it was Burr started taking, and Patrice, Patrice was the fucking giant. And then they went to new york and sometimes when comics just leave it's hard if you don't have like a big headliner all the time like stand up in boston was dominated by all these big local headliners there was like don gavin and steve sweeney and lenny clark these guys were murderers, man. I'm telling you, to this day, some of the strongest sets I've ever seen in my life, and they never left that area. Lenny did. Lenny's the only guy that did.

But most of those guys, like Sweeney and Gavin, they stayed in Boston. They like it there. They don't give a fuck. They just do clubs in Boston. And I'm telling you, they're some of the best headliners of all time. I'll put Dom Gavin in his prime up against anybody who's ever lived. He was a murderer dude. Like fast paced rapid

fire punch lines like you would be dying. You'd be holding your sides. You couldn't believe how funny he was. But he stayed in Boston. So for that community man the guys a lot of guys left and the guys who stayed they just you know they got older and older and maybe they performed less and

you know it wasn't the same. And it was also like seeing other guys like go on to do tv shows and having it not happen to you it's not fun you know like some of those guys got some of the recognition but they didn't get the recognition they deserved at the time because they were local but to us the guys who lived in that time whether it's me and bill burr and fitzsimmons we'll talk about it to us in that time man we were so lucky because we got to see top of the food chain stand up that only people got to see in boston because they didn't go anywhere yeah that's awesome they were so good dude there's guys that were so good kenny rogerson he was a brilliant joke writer brilliant and they And they were like, the ethics of the town,

they were always favored writing and creativity and new jokes. It was a great place. It was a great place. The scene has to have that kind of ethic. It has to have that kind of ethic, and it also has that kind of energy. Because in Boston, it was like the energy was, first of all, there's a great documentary on it when when stand-up stood out by this guy Fran

Salamita who was a Boston comic and he made a documentary about the scene It's perfect because it's like it all details how Stephen Wright made it out of Boston Like and he became huge and everybody was like fuck when's my turn and it was like everybody thought that was gonna happen to them Too and a lot of them it didn't and And guys that were as funny as Stephen Wright, that's what's crazy. They were good, dude. Good. You did not want to follow Steve Sweeney.

You did not want to follow him, man. He was murderous. That's exciting though. It was great. It was great. Dude, it was great. I love the idea of like, man. It was a great time.

It was a great time. The level of murder was so high. These guys were killing every night. You couldn't stop them. They were so funny. It'll end up being that way here. It could. It could.

It could be a different thing. You know, it's like what we can do is do the best we can with what we've got right here. And we've got here. Now that Segura's here. Tim Dillon's here. You know, I know you're thinking about coming here. Tony's here. We segura is here tim dylan's here you know i know you're thinking about coming here tony's here we we can do something here there's there's a lot of funny local people genevieve is hilarious she's powerful she's and she's a fanny pack supporter so i'm with her to

the end i gotta remind me i have to give her one of mine i want to reward she's got this maybe it's part of her charm though that giant whack fanny pack that she wears she's someone I found out about in this community because of local Austin Comics you know

yeah she did Kill Tony and Tony recommended her she's hilarious she's great there's we can do something here man we can do something here

could we ever achieve what was in Boston in the 1980s fuck it's gonna be different no matter what it's gonna be different but I think we cans? Fuck. It's going to be different. No matter what, it's going to be different. But I think we can do our best. It doesn't have to be exactly that.

No, we can do our best. Yeah. But there's a lot of talent here, and there's a lot of enthusiasm for comedy here. And it's fun, man. It's fun. It's fun to be able to just do comedy. Yeah, and the crowds are great. They're great.

I mean, I get a lot of different kinds of crowds. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, and I love the fact that everything is, like you said, it's like, you know, the creek's right there and the park's right there. And there's a room across from there. And it's like, that makes it so much more enjoyable to just go from spot to spot to spot. And then that can be done here. This is one of the best places to go from spot to spot.

It really is. Because, oh, oh man these crowds are hyped too they know something new is happening here you know they know that there's a big influx of comics they get it like when um i was doing the stub shows with donald rawlings and dave chapelle and mo ammer and michelle wolf and those fucking shows were wild dude dude. It felt crazy. They were so happy that people were there. They were so happy that people were at a show. They were so happy. I'll never forget those times, man,

because it was like there was no shows for so long, and when we started doing shows again, everybody was like, I can't believe we're doing this. There was a feeling like, I can't believe we're doing this. I can't believe it's happening again. There was a feeling like, I can't believe we're doing this. I can't believe it's happening again. It feels like extra good. Extra. I was telling my homie, it feels like the condom popped on reality.

You know, where you're like, oh shit, this feels way better than I remember. It's like we had water in our ears. And then we shook the water out. Like, oh my God, this is how I hear. I feel like everyone is more of what they were before right like if you were a piece of shit before the pandemic you're just your ability to hide it is gone right and if you were a great person because there's way more love and support and there's way more like the bullshit is also back like an extra well there's a lot of fear

and fear you could either get love out of fear or you can get unnecessary animosity and unnecessary arguments and fights out of fear. Because it all comes from the same place. Everybody's reality got shooken up. So your baseline of happiness was lowered for everybody. Everybody got real nervous and weirded out, especially if you have older ones or loved ones who are extremely vulnerable. I know guys who can't leave the house because they're taking care of their mom you know i know a guy and he's he got his uh mom vaccinated it didn't take and they she didn't yeah she's got an immune system problem and so they have to like be super vigilant about isolating her it's a

nightmare it's a nightmare that's terrifying you know and you know they're doing their best and they're getting through it with love and you know and they're laughing about it but everyone's baseline nervousness rose and your base not baseline happiness dropped because we were uncertain so now when people are uncertain you know you know how some people get stressed out everyone when they get stressed out your temper your temper uh is shortened your your what what takes what how long your wick is how long it takes for you to get upset is shortened yeah and americans are we're particularly not used to uncertainty when it comes to certain things you know especially where we feel like things could be handled could have been handled better that's the thing where people start freaking out about like why wasn't why

weren't we more prepared for this? Why didn't we handle this better? Why didn't we shut that down quicker? Why didn't we do? There's all these what ifs or why didn't we after things happen. It's insane. Yeah, so everybody's freaked out. You know what's really insane is when you find out, when you look back and do the research, we did the same thing during the Spanish flu.

All the same precautions, the masks, spanish flu on the spanish flu all the same precautions the masks the keep the distance all that shit we we don't have any better response to this kind of shit than we did 100 years ago yeah well i just really hope that people come out of this with at the very least an appreciation for how well we had it and we didn't realize how well we had it because you have't realize how well we had it because you have to kind of experience something that sucks to realize how good things are. That's why it's got to be terrible to not have any adversity in your life.

It's not good for you. It's unhealthy. You can't, like, you got to have these little valleys that make you appreciate the peaks. And this made me I try to be an appreciative person but this last year made me really think differently about

the temporary nature of this life because this is a mild one in terms of worldwide pandemics it was horrible for everybody who died horrible for everybody who lost family members but if it was something like the bubonic plague some wild shit that kills like 30 of the population you know how insane that must have

been like people went through that multiple times in our past with no medicine man you know could you imagine what it must have been like when just horrible diseases just right like with this one we got lucky with this one no not only not only no medicine but not even any idea of what a germ was yes they thought they thought they were curses yeah they thought they were you know demons haunting you and shit like so they were even they weren't even on the right track to even solve your problem yes and by me saying we got lucky i do not demean the deaths of any of the people who died or dismissed them in any way. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying relative to what it could have been if it was a real one, real crazy one. Yeah. There's there's diseases that killed, you know, Ebola kills like 90 percent of the people.

There's diseases like that that are real. There's a there's a video game about what called Plague. Yeah, i've seen it yeah it's i mean it's kind of it's kind of morbid when you think about it but when you're playing the game it's fun but you're trying to create a you're trying to create a disease and you give it different characteristics and you're trying to get it to spread around the world as fast as possible and it's super reality driven it's like it's like based on what diseases transmit better the ones that don't kill the host quickly, those are the ones that transmit the best.

The ones that kill you quick, those you can contain. It dies off in an area. Oh, right, right, right. But that game is based on that. It's based on a realistic depiction of how viruses best spread. I think there's a couple of those games. And you were talking about out here about the uncertainty. It's like very rarely does something that's happening everywhere, like it's happening somewhere else in the world, like affect us.

Right. Yeah, because like this is, we didn't really have to deal with Ebola. Right. We didn't really have to deal with SARS. Remember when sometimes people would come back with like certain diseases, like you thought someone had the Zika? Oh, yeah. Remember the Zika? But I also remember them being like, oh, yeah, the government swooped in,

they locked down the whole plane, they got their motherfucker in a bubble in Texas. Wah, wah. So that's why I didn't even take the coronavirus seriously. At first, I was like, oh, yeah, well, that's happening everywhere. It's not going to happen here. Well, I knew a lot of people that didn't take it seriously

until I had Dr. Michael Osterholm on the podcast, and he scared the fuck out of all of us. He scared the shit out of me I mean he was just basically saying like how quickly this thing can spread how contagious it is and how potentially lethal it it is and his estimations of how many people are gonna die in America were where he was Probably being extra cautious and it didn't turn out to be that number, but it scared the fuck out of everybody. It scared the fuck out of me.

I know that. It was terrifying, because I remember once I was like, oh, it's here? It's here. Then I got, once I knew it was here, I got scared because I was like,

now that they're telling us the truth, that means they've been lying for six months. Whenever the government starts being up front about shit, that's how I feel. Like they've been keeping shit from you. I know what you're saying, but I think in this case, this is a particularly unusual case. Why? Because the government in China was not being honest about a lot of the – either they didn't know yet or they weren't being honest

about how it spread. Like one of the things they were saying initially, the World Health Organization was saying that it doesn't spread from human to human. Do you know that? Like in the very early days

of the pandemic? No. When was that when they thought it didn't spread from person to person? That had to be like November. It was really,

really early on. Yeah. So my point is there was a lot of confusion. So the government from person to person. That had to be like November. It was really, really early on. So my point is, there was a lot of confusion. So the government might not have been lying in the beginning. They might not have fucking known. Because you got to think, the government doesn't have early access to the science. If the scientists themselves are fucking this up, they might not know what this is. If they're getting lied to, if someone is saying like, hey, this definitely didn't come from our lab.

And they're like, okay, shit, we have to figure out what the fuck this is. Right. They probably had to look at a lot of possible options. And somewhere along the line, they got a lot of stuff wrong. Right. They thought that it didn't transmit from human to human at least someone said that early on who said Jamie Do we know yet? I don't remember hearing that but he was a World Health Organization thing, but like super early on So if you read that early on and like you're a guy works all day, you're not paying attention shit

You know yeah, I heard the World Health Organization says we gotta stop being worried It doesn't even spread from person to person then a a couple of weeks later, like, no, no, no, it does. It does. Easy, quick, spreads through whole countries. I think they were trying to do what we did with the Spanish flu. We were trying to wait until it spreads. Here it is. An infamous WHO tweet saying there was no clear evidence COVID-19 could spread between humans was posted for balance to reflect findings

from China. God damn it. What a cycle. So this was April of 2020. So that's, you know, that's early on, man. No one knew what the fuck was going on. So they, apparently, the tweet soon proved wrong as a symbol for WHO critics of how it mishandled and downplayed the pandemic. But again, who's giving them information?

And how does it, when it gets to the government, where's it coming from? Okay, is it Chinese scientists straight to the media? Probably not. Hell no. Probably Chinese scientists to the Chinese government. The Chinese government decides what to say and what not to say, right? And so then the American government has to figure out what to say, too. Like, there's a lot of shit going on and a bunch of people are dying.

Like, people have to realize that the people running the government are not that much different than you and I. They're just people. Yeah. And they don't run like a well-oiled machine either. Right. And there wasn't even a, wasn't there some sort of a reduction in the pandemic response department that people were complaining about, right?

Wasn't there something? I think Trump got rid of the whole team. Either that they absorbed into something else. I don't remember what the, I don't want to quote that. So, but I do remember that no one had ever seen, no one in our lifetime has experienced anything like this before. that no one had ever seen. No one in our lifetime has experienced anything like this before.

The thing about a pandemic is, like these 100-year ones, like the Spanish flu and then COVID, it's like you've never experienced it. No one's ever experienced anything closely, nothing to it. There's been a few flus that were real bad, a few diseases that broke up. There's nothing that went through the whole country like this. So to say that they should have had a fucking rock solid response for some man made virus that spreads like the breeze.

Can you imagine? I can't imagine being somebody in any other country and once they seen it fucking with America, they were like, oh, this is like this is going to fuck us up. If it fucked with them. Yeah. Yeah. If the richest people can't stop it but a surprisingly small number of rich people have died from it i'm sure a lot of rich

people have died no from covid no no rich fat people there's oh well i mean i feel like if that's the big one right that was 78 of um all the the mortalities or or the um the icu patients for covid were obese yeah wow i guess that's not surprising something that puts a strain on your heart it puts a strain on your whole system you know being um being someone who's dealing with something like that you want to you want your body as absolutely healthy as possible that's my biggest problem with all this shit i feel like being obese kind of makes everything harder yeah like i don't know any obese old people you know anybody that's like 70 i've seen a few that's like obese i've seen a few and they usually

like need walking assistance and shit you know they're trying to destroy four devices installed to keep their heart just stay alive that's alive. That's a weird thing, right? The desire to just keep it pumping, even if you're in agony and you're miserable all day. Nah, take me the fuck out. I'm saying that right now, if I want my do not resuscitate, I'll get a tattoo if I have to. Imagine if you get resuscitated while you're in heaven. You're like, you're up there. Finally made it.

This is amazing. Heaven's perfect oh my god why was i wasting my time with ego and life and then all of a sudden they jolt them clear and you get sucked back down your fucking shitty job did you watch the movie that just happened i thought you were explaining it that just happened a movie i watched like two nights ago shut the fuck up ethan hawke it called 24 Hours to Live it's by the producers of John Wick it's a silly action movie

but that literally happens in the movie that's hilarious what if you get resuscitated that is so funny you get resuscitated back out of heaven thank god you told me

because I gotta turn that into a bit wow that's exactly the premise like he's in heaven and he gets resuscitated 100% that's hilarious

you get resuscitated and then you and then the time you're alive again you make the fuck up that keeps you out of heaven? Ooh. I like it going fucked up. Oh, right, right?

You get in, like, a fight with your girlfriend's ex-boyfriend, you kill him. Right. You wind up going to hell. You got to get some kind of heaven lawyer to, like, please your case. Yeah, and maybe it's not even your fault, but you did commit murder. Yeah, but you committed murder

in your second life. Is that in the movie too? So he's a special forces guy who's like a piece of shit because he kills people all over the world and then like an accident happens.

Lady brings him back and he's got 24 hours to live to like make things right. But without spoiling the movie, there's other shit that happens. Make things right for who? Ethan Hawke. Ethan Hawke's the main guy in the movie.

Ethan Hawke was in that really interesting fucking Time movie that I liked. What the hell was that called? Gattaca? Yeah. No, no, no. Looper. The more recent one. Oh.

It was a more recent one. God damn it. It's a really recent Ethan Hawke movie. I'm trying to remember. And basically, he has this device. Predestination. Yes. Oh, I don't know.

I don't want to give any of it away because it's such a twisted up plot. It's like, yikes. It's really crazy. Like nothing I've ever seen before. But it's interesting. Like it's really well done. It's fun. You know, you have to do a little suspension of disbelief.

But it's a time travel movie. Same time as this. That's what it is. Time travel is a crazy idea, man. The the idea you need to go back and do it right but I mean it makes sense in some ways like if something horrible happens you made an accident you did something wrong but

for regular mistakes like to be able to go back and just correct regular mistakes. I don't know, man. You need those mistakes to teach you. Yeah. If you, cause that's how you really,

that's how you really learn shit. Like in your, in your spirit, in your DNA is your mistakes. You know, you, nobody can just tell you. It's like when people, it's like, It's like when people want, it's like there's a difference between knowing the recipe and baking the cake, you know what I'm saying? Right. Some people, they can memorize the recipe,

but they can't cook for some reason. You can put the instructions right in front of them. We were talking about this last night that I said life, I'm not a surfer. Let me just qualify this real quick if I fuck up the lingo for any surfers. Life in a lot of ways is like a surfer riding a wave. Because if you watch a surfer riding a wave, it's very rarely flat and perfect.

It's always these wobbles and corrections. It's like staying on balance. But it's not this smooth, straight escalator path. There's a lot of shit going on. That's your life. Your life is like riding a thing that's constantly changing and moving along with the way you feel, your moods, your life situation, how work's going, how your life is going, how your friendships are going. They change and shift. Things move. They move with the directions that you go, whether or not you exercise discipline with your body and your mind and whatever you're trying to do for a living, whether or not you really get after it.

You get satisfaction out of that. Like, oh, he's moving, man. You know, people want, for some reason, they want this feeling of steadiness. They want everything to be sort of locked in and steady and i'm just like uh you know this is where i'm at and this is where i'm going i got it all but that's not life life is a fucking wild ride trying to feel trying to feel people want to feel safe yeah they want to feel stable you can't feel stable too much it's not good for you you've got to use those balancing muscles.

Yeah, you need a little chaos. You need a little chaos. You need some chaos. You need also like, you know, you need moments to teach you how valuable some of the stuff that you have that you really truly love is. Like your friends, like your family, like the people that you see and you can't wait to hug. You know, this is what our life is about. Our life is about these fun moments that we can share together,

and you can make more of those. The unknown. Yeah. But that makes me kind of a hypocrite because I don't like surprises. I don't want a surprise party or surprise gifts or none of that shit. Really?

Fuck no. Surprise parties. No. Imagine if you had plans. You were going to go home and you were going to tell her, I got to leave because I got two hours. And you were thinking, how do I phrase this? Because I definitely want to go see my friends.

Surprise! You're like, oh my God, I'm locked into a party. It's happened to me a bunch of times where I have to, because when people force it on you, you have to choke down the fact that you're upset about it. Right. You know? Right. I have to, because when people force it on you, you have to choke down the fact that you're upset about it. Right, right, you have to pretend. Because sometimes you tell people,

hey, I don't want gifts or anything like that, and in their minds, they're like, he wants a gift. You know what I mean? Let's just get him a gift. He'll be fine. It's like, no, I really don't want your fucking gifts. I don't want a surprise party.

I mean, I'll take gifts and I'll take a party, but I need to know what's coming. Right. Yeah, don't want a surprise party. I mean, I'll take gifts and I'll take a party, but I need to know what's coming. Yeah, don't surprise me. I don't like getting caught off guard. I'm not going to be like an asshole about it and be like, everyone get the fuck out of the house. I'm going to be at the party, but I would just know

the whole time I would rather be doing something else. Yeah, you would like to know when you're partying. Can I get a schedule when my partying begins? Yeah, because I don't have the energy for a surprise. You know what I mean? Like, I budget my energy for the day. And so if I'm walking in the house at the end of the day, I'm over people.

Right. You hit E. Yeah. I can only stand people for so long, and that depends on who they are. Right. So a surprise party at the end of the day long, and that depends on who they are. Right. So a surprise party at the end of the day, no, that's my own personal health. A nice way to look at it is everybody needs alone time. It's not even that you don't stand people.

It's like you need a balance of people time and alone time. That's what it is. And if you oversaturate one or the other, things get weird. You oversaturate your alone time. You get too much alone time, not enough people time, you get a little desperate for people time. And if you've got too much people time, not enough alone time, you get desperate for that alone time. You get a little anxious. My perfect scenario is me all alone with the option of people.

Like there's people up there somewhere, and if I want to be around people, I can go up there. But I'm completely isolated over here. That's why people like New York City. Why? Aren't there people everywhere all the time? They'll leave you alone if you're in your apartment. You're in your apartment, you're alone.

You want to go outside, there's people out there. But you're in your apartment, you're alone. But you want to go outside, it's easy. People everywhere. And then you come back all the time yeah i have friends that are very socially odd that really enjoy manhattan they like that life that might be for me i haven't been i haven't been there before yeah like i need that i need to be alone like i my dream place is like me in the middle of fucking nowhere. Do you like the wilderness? Okay, the true answer is yes, but all the things that come with that yes aren't true.

I would love to be in the wilderness, but I'm not an outdoorsman. You know what I'm saying? But if I could somehow make it so I live out there and somebody drops off fucking food just from a helicopter or something like somebody does all the hardship for me chopped wood you would be into that oh yeah i'm i'm in the idea of being away from society so if they just came by with chopped up wood already yep you know and i leave once every two weeks they drop off a package of chopped up wood yeah and in my in my fantasy there's no money involved it's just like i give them 10 chickens or like this is like old school shit which chickens are fucking currency you know hey man during the pandemic the we realized also that like food runs out remember the beginning where you can go to the

grocery store there was no meat and you'd be like what the fuck there's no meat oh yeah remember that no meat no no milk no eggs no anything good and you know for small supermarkets at least or people that weren't prepared so a lot of people started thinking about like growing gardens foraging for food hunting fishing like fishing licenses hunting licenses i guarantee you they went up during that time let's find out did uh hunting licenses more people purchase hunting licenses during the pandemic i bet they did i bet the number went up considerably because people started really thinking like oh my god if there is no food i don't know how to hunt i don't know how to get my own food like what do i what do i do like tomorrow i need a meal dude i'm so dependent on society like is society existing yeah yeah brian i don't think that's good for any of us that's

what i think i think one of the things we were talking about like where things got locked down how weird it was well remember when the supply chain was cut off and we realized all the medicine is made in china like what and we couldn't get shipments oh yeah remember for like there was a long time where it was hard to get like anything that was shipped from overseas so you realize like we don't oh we don't make anything anymore like we we're not self-sufficient we're we are very much like a dude in an apartment in this country like there's someone out there that's growing all the ship we're not growing anything like there's if that no one out there is doing anything for you, if they're not making the cars or making the medicine or making the this or making the that, if too much stuff is made somewhere else and you're not self-sufficient, like the United States should be like a prepper, okay?

We should have our own generators. We should have our own food. We should have our own medicine, and we should be well-armed is we should lock this thing down like a prepper. Fix it. Fix it and lock it down. See, I'm hope I feel what you're saying, because that is absolutely true. Like not having very many survival skills. Not good. It's not good. But but but I also think that you just you don't have to be a survivalist. But I also think that you don't have to be a survivalist. You just have to have something to contribute. Because if society falls, we're going to band together in the tribes or whatever. And you just got to have something to offer the tribe.

I would still be a comic. I don't think it's that easy. Here's why it's not that easy. If society falls apart, let's imagine that there's a solar flare. Again, remember, I'm a moron. So if I get any of this stuff wrong, I'm just guessing how this would work. If there's a solar flare that blows out the grid, apparently that can happen. Oh, yeah. Apparently a solar flare strong enough could kill our entire power grid.

So there's no power in the whole country. How long does it take to get the power back on after a solar flare blows it out? And then what if there's another one right after and another one right after? And what if a lot of people start starving to death? What if within six months the power's still not back on and you've got how many million people living in L.A.? Think of that crazy place. But it wouldn't even take that long.

Right, it wouldn't take that long. But how do those people get food? Imagine if the power, because because of that just keeps shutting off it keeps going out imagine there's a sea like a storm of uh solar flares like they have one and then a couple weeks later there's a bigger one and there's another one they can't there's no power grid and everyone's freaking the fuck out and all your electronics are useless how long How long can you feed yourself? This is not an impossible scenario. The thing is we look at What's possible based not on history. We look on it on the history of our own life We don't accept threats as being meaningful and real that we haven't personally experienced

That's why people are so nonchalant about war haven't personally experienced that's why people are so nonchalant about war that's why people are so nonchalant about we're talking about when Tony was talking about people getting shot last night like the people are so nonchalant that I've never seen someone getting shot talk to someone who's seen someone that's gotten shot they're not that nonchalant about this shit yeah it's we don't we're not afraid of things that we haven't personally experienced we feel like they're not real and that's how haven't personally experienced. We feel like they're not real. And that's how I think a lot of people feel about natural disasters.

Yellowstone can go at any moment. At any moment. Isn't there like an ultra volcano or some shit? Like a super volcano right in the middle of the country? At any moment it could go. I mean, it probably won't. I think about that shit all the time. All the things it could kill us.

A rogue black hole. A fucking gamma ray burst. That's the scary shit. Oh, my God. Because a gamma ray burst would just finish us. Do you know what they used to think gamma ray bursts were? What? They used to think they were alien wars.

Oh, yeah. That makes perfect sense. When they first started measuring, I forget what the tool was that they used. There was an amazing documentary that i used to love to watch high as fuck on gamma ray bursts on hypernovas and gamma ray bursts and that these hypernovas would uh they when they exploded they would just wipe out whole solar systems just boom yeah everything gets wiped out and so we we were observing, not we, obviously, scientists, were observing for the first time that they could measure these bursts happening in the sky,

and they were happening all the time because the universe is so fucking big. And so they're like, oh, my God, there's a war going on. They thought there was a war going on in space. Well, it's terrifying because, I mean, it would have to be aimed at us yes but it could be it the chances are small but it's like the rare things there's so there's it's so big that rare things happen all the time well we we know that a lot of those chances are small shit has already happened here before you know when they figured out that this giant chunk of rock and steel and iron or iron rather

and dirt that slammed into the Yucatan that killed the dinosaurs once they figured that out man and then what would they realize like oh wow this could happen this could happen at any time and there's not shit you could do about it and it's happened like for the times many times we don't even know how many times we don't know yeah Yeah, we can't. We really don't know. They think the most recent ones were probably around 12,000 years ago. They think that's the end of the ice age.

It's called the Younger Dryas Impact Theory. What is it? Well, the theory is, and the proponents of this theory are this guy Randall Carlson. He's one of the big ones. The proponents of this theory are this guy Randall Carlson. He's one of the big ones. And Graham Hancock and a few other guys that are just obsessed with the timelines of historical, like the historical timelines of like civilization.

And was there civilization that was advanced that was knocked down to nothing that had to restart up again? And one of the things that they've concluded from a bunch of different factors, a lot of them like soil samples, like they do a core sample of the earth. And they find out like at different levels what the temperature was and what, you know, and at certain, a certain depth, which indicates somewhere around, I think it was like 11,000 years. They find a lot of this nuclear glass stuff. And this, I think it's called tritonite. And that's from impacts from things so they got nailed in some crazy asteroid shower and it's all around the world around the same time and that is the end of the ice age and they think that those impacts probably wiped out a shitload

of people destroyed civilizations might have been the end of atlantis there's all this like crazy speculation about what happened back then You know that maybe Atlantis was actually a real place Maybe society was pretty advanced, you know for people that didn't have machines But still had stones and they had crazy structures that they had built out of stone Like all the shit they did in Egypt and all that kind of stuff. That was all way before that, right? That was all way before 10,000 years ago. Yeah that kind of stuff that was all way before that right that was all way before 10 000 years ago yeah yeah i didn't think about that well not that stuff the the stuff in gobekli tepe was way before

that that was like 2 000 years earlier the egypt stuff they don't really this like the pyramids are only like uh 2 500 bc or something like that that's not even that long ago in comparison to some of this other stuff so what their their thought is that there was some advanced civilization and that 11 000 years ago it got almost wiped out and then they rebuilt so all the stuff that we recognize as being like the first civilizations or maybe they weren't maybe there were first civilizations after this great reset that happened from getting smashed by rocks from the sky it It's fascinating shit. Randall Carson does an amazing job of describing it.

We're going to destroy ourselves. Or something's going to destroy us. Yeah, we're not going to last, man. It just seems there's so many things that want to kill us. There's so many chances. And then we're killing ourselves at the same time. And then we have different countries that are competing for dominance. Like, if that doesn't freak you out, when you watch countries compete for dominance, that never ends well.

Like, when does that end well? I don't know. It doesn't end well, man. But that's what we need, though. I want us to colonize. I want Elon to colonize Mars so we have an enemy. You know, because that's the only time we accomplish it is when there's a rival. That's when we're at our best.

What if Mars would make the perfect world over there and some guru takes over and decides that we really have to destroy Earth? Because it's like we're going to destroy Earth and we have a chance to repopulate it again in 100 years. We're going to just kill everybody that lives there and try it all over again and terraform with less people, but Mars people, because Mars people are superior. And there's an Earth-Mars war? Yeah, Earth-Mars war. What side am I on? You're on Mars. I know you are.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. I'm more Earth-side. Yeah, I'm on Earth-side. Fuck out of here. I mean, well, I guess it depends on... I'm not above being a planet trader or whatever. That's probably what would happen. There would probably be a revolt and Mars would not want to be a part of Earth anymore.

Oh, yeah. They'd want to be their own colony. Well, first of all, they would be mad because this happened, I don't know if you ever watched that show, The Expanse. I watched a few episodes of the first season. It's my favorite sci-fi world it's very well done yeah it's it's well done it's and it's it's kind of like that where the because there's also the belt there's mars earth and the belters right and basically the it got to the

point where we had to send oxygen to the to to these places so Mars was colonized first and then the belt and we but at the time of the show we're we're at we're not at war with Mars but they've they separated from Earth because we did the same thing to them that we're doing to the belters and we would because they needed us to send them air so when the workers like went on strike we just cut off the air oh jesus you know it's that kind of shit because we needed them to send us back like precious gems and shit from the belt and whenever they went on strike we were just like okay we can't send air out there and so once they figured out a way to make their own air they got to the point where that shit was fully developed

on mars they were like fuck earth you know wow so they're our rivals in the system and then the belters are like terrorists well i need to get deeper into the show then oh it's great it's amazing but i was i think i've watched two episodes i liked it a lot though it's um it's very unique it's really well done and it's also very plausible like if what you laid out like if mars really did become its own functioning planet if they really did have their own air, they really did have their own civilization. Like, why would they listen to us? Once they weren't dependent on us anymore.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, also imagine because you know how it's going to end up happening. Somebody going, they're going to settle on Mars and then Mars is going to get that point to where they're self-sufficient. And so then it's like, who runs Mars? Was it the person that paid for the trip? Who doesn't even live on the planet and can't enforce any of their authority? Right. So is it their shit?

Is it the people that settled the shit? You know, it's like, who does that shit belong to? And so eventually there's going to have to be a rebellion. It's like the same thing that happened between the United States and England, right? They sent us over here to be a colony. And then after a while it was like, we don't even connect to be a rebellion. It's like the same thing that happened between the United States and England, right? They sent us over here to be a colony. And then after a while, it was like, we ain't even connected to y'all. We're not giving you fucking money. Right.

It's like it's going to happen because they need Earth for support at first. Imagine if Mars is the new America, but they do it right. Like they just rebel. They rebel from all the bullshit and corruption. They go, okay, we have to figure out how to do this money thing without the fucking stock market. Like what are you assholes doing? Manipulating these numbers and moving shit around and buying and selling and this is

what the economy is based on? This is madness. It's totally unstable. It's based on confidence in a lot of ways. Like get the, like whether or not things are i'm really high on this and oh buy and then selling and no no no more of that shit you're like well fuck you jargon you don't know shit about economics you would be correct i don't i don't know shit about economics because it's way too complicated i think if they were going

to re-engineer society they would try to some bitcoin type model where it was like no one can control it there's only a certain amount of it this is like everybody gets to figure out you have you have way more faith in humanity than me and what do you think i think the problem is that we're we're just we're inherently shitty and selfish right but we made america because we didn't like england america's better than england sorry england well that's right that's just a even they have to admit that sorry yeah but it's it's it's in terms of like the impact on the culture there's never been a country like america this is not dismissing amazing works out of ireland and england and china and japan and all over the world has been great shit that's been done. Don't get me wrong.

But the amount of culture influence that human beings have had in this one weird experiment. Everyone knows American culture. Everyone watches it. That's why British, like you ever talk to British people and they, a British person never asked me to repeat myself. They understand me clearly the first time

every time. And sometimes I got to turn on subtitles when there's British people on TV because they grow up on our shit. Right. And to us, they're like a delicacy. It's like I encounter British shit every now and then. Bro, have you ever talked to people in Dublin? Ireland? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. When Irish people get drunk, it is the most hilarious form of English. Let me tell you something even crazier. It's Belfast, Northern Ireland. Northern Ireland is even crazier. I talked to a guy in a bar. We were both hammered in Northern Ireland when I went over there for the UFC. I might have understood three or four words he said.

I talked to him for well over an hour. He's like, I'll fight any man. I'll fight any man. He just kept saying, I'll fight any man. I'll fight any man. He just kept saying, I'll fight any man. And I believed him. He was so crazy and just hammered. Why was he saying that to you? Because I worked for the UFC.

I was over there for the UFC. He's like, fucking Chocolatel, whoever he is, I'll fight any man. He was so convinced, too. Convinced, I'll fight any man. I go, okay, man. You'll fight any man. You know, we were both bombed. I'll fight any man I go okay man you'll fight any man you know we were both bombed that I'll fight any man

somebody gonna whoop his ass one day cause anybody doing that can't really fight yeah well or maybe it was just like I don't know maybe I caught him on a bad night I'll fight anyone was he drunk oh fuck yeah we were hammered we were both really drunk yeah they make you drink over there.

If you don't drink over there, they're going to have a problem with you. Yeah, they don't trust you. It's like eating with Italian people. Exactly. What do you mean you're not hungry? You don't eat. You don't have cheese? What the fuck?

No cheese at all? Your whole life, no cheese? Not even a little bit? Can you go to a doctor for that there's a there's a thing that people can take if they have a cheese problem by the way it's like a lactate yeah i have a cheese problem do you and that that shit doesn't always work lactate doesn't work not always no it's like i feel like it's just inconsistent you know do you have a cheese have you ever tried raw cheese?

Raw milk cheese? I don't think so. I'd be interested to see if it affects you the same way. Yeah, I'll be the guinea pig. How bad does the cheese get you, though? Man, it used to be not that big of a deal, but now it's like, it's a problem. Really? Yeah, like, if I decide to eat cheese, like, some shit is worth it.

Like, if you tell me, hey, Brian,, like this is the best fucking pizza on the planet. You have to have a slice of this. You'll take the hit. I'm going to do it, but that's going to be, it's going to be 72 hours of being like, I shouldn't eat that fucking cheese. How crazy is that? We're willing to sell out our future health for the next day for a delicious slice of pizza. Think how crazy that is. But that's how human beings and our impulses,

you're going to sell out your, your good feelings for the next 24 hours to whatever for a piece of pizza. It's a lack of discipline. That's what it is. But it's also, it's so good. Like there's, there's something about if your whole life could be what it feels like when you're really hungry and you bite into a delicious slice of pizza for the first time.

If that was your whole, that feeling, that's an amazing feeling. You can't dismiss that feeling. In the moment, you can't resist. You can't resist. You just got to take the bites. You got to take the bites. And don't get me wrong. Oh, fucking. Not any slice of pizza would do i wouldn't make that sacrifice for just a for like some

dijonos and that right some bullshit piece but but yeah if you tell me it's this like this it's a pizza place here that i'm that somebody recommended to me earlier and i was like i might i might risk it all oh my god there was a pizza place that i used to go to i think it was in yonkers it was in either in yonkers or New Rochelle. I'm trying to remember. But my friend John Tobin had taken me to this pizza place. And it was just a small little hole in the wall. Maybe they had four or five booths. And the pizza was insane. Pizza was insane. It was this pizza with garlic and sausage and cheese. And it had, it was like, just didn't make sense how good it tasted. It was so good.

Oh, and hot red peppers was on it too. It was insanity. It was so good. But it was just like weird hole in the wall place. Do you know Steve Simone? Oh, yeah. Bro, so right when the pandemic. I love Steve. Like right after we started getting vaccinated when like right when everybody started going on the road i ended up in philly and simone was at the other club and brad williams was at another

club and we all decided to meet up the next day and like i get lunch or whatever right and simone he he knows people i don't know if he's from there, or maybe he was there with Ernst. But somehow he got connected with, we ended up going to a secret pizza place. I think it's called Ionelli's Bakery or something. Secret pizza place. Yeah, where it was like, you go in here,

it doesn't look like an open business. It doesn't look like you would get good pizza here. But we go in there, and they're only open 15 days a year. That's what he said. They open 15 days a year. They sell out as soon as they open. Wow.

And so the guy comes and makes us, he brings us pizza. And this slice of pizza, it was cold. And there was no meat on it. It was just tomato. And he was like, try it the way I gave it. If you want it hot, fucking fine. But try it the way I gave gave it to you it was the best slice of pizza i've ever had wow it was incredible what what was it like so it's just a piece of no cheese there's no cheese okay it's just the bread and the tomato tomato pie really yeah and it was it was it was it was it

was thick it was like a thick layer of the tomato because it was almost like tomato jelly. I can't even describe it, but it was incredible. It tasted amazing. Wow. Well, I guess the cold would keep it connected to the bread better. Or something. I don't know the secret to it. I don't know what it was.

But I'm not the only one. Everyone was like, we all looked at each other like, what the fuck? Really? Yeah, man. Yeah, it was great. So i'm not the only one everyone was like we all looked at each other like what the fuck really yeah man yeah it was great so it's a pizza artist he's some kind of yeah some kind of pizza guru i mean imagine imagine owning a pizzeria that you only got to open for 15 days that's a good move though right if you want to be a legend you know you stay closed for most of the year yeah it's like that sushi place hey Hey, Mikey, where's the fucking pizza? Not till February, Mick. Not till February.

That Austin sushi place? Yeah, Sushi Bar ATX. That place, we serve 10 people. Yeah. That's what we're doing. We serve 10 people and no more. It gives it this exclusivity. They have a 25,000 person waiting list. I see why.

It's incredible. It was incredible, man. A lot of shit don't live up to the hype, you know. That lives up to the hype. Yeah, for sure. For sure. Yeah. And I love an expert, man.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. I watch somebody that's, I'm fascinated with people that are like, that have dedicated their lives to just anything. I watch a motherfucker lay bricks. Me too. When they just pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. Yeah.

Like anybody that's like, they're that good, I don't even have to understand it. Right. But watching people do things at the highest level, that shit's amazing to me. So going to them and watching these people are obsessed with sushi, like the way we are with comedy. Yeah. And yeah, I'm going to try that shit, of course. Incredible stuff too, right?

So creative. It was like a sports, like like at the end you get to do like extra like extra bites and it's basically like you can choose to do some shit you already did or you can let the chefs do choose for you and they basically get to like open mic their sushi ideas yeah yeah yeah experiment on me motherfucker god and them extra bites was better than the than the other shit. Well, and their experiments are always going to be awesome. Oh, yeah.

They know what the fuck they're doing. There's an art to that, man. You know? Yeah, to just, to know something's going to taste good, to have like the palate and the sense of smell, it's all in there. Did you ever see that documentary, Jiro Dreams of Sushi? Oh, yeah. That's amazing, right?

Yeah, motherfucker opened up in the subway. In the subway. The best sushi spot around. It was in the subway. I don't know if that's good anymore, though. Somebody sent me a review of that place that someone that I like went there and said it was like the worst. I forget who it was. They said it was like the worst sushi they ever had.

Was it Andrew Schultz? It was. Was it? I was just about to say. I was going to start looking for him saying it. It might have been. I think it was. They said it was like the worst sushi they ever had. Was it Andrew Schultz? What? Was it? I was just about to say. I was going to start looking for him saying it. It might have been. I think it was Andrew. Yeah, but the dude's 90 or something, right?

I mean, first of all, imagine you're this dude who is Schultz. Yeah. Imagine you're this dude who lives by this samurai-like discipline where every day you just make the perfect pieces of sushi. And you're not doing it because you want to get famous. You're doing it because you are completely connected to the discipline of doing one thing over and over.

And there's a word for it. Is it kaizen, the Japanese word? There's a word for doing one thing over and over. Andrew Schultz. Apparently, Jiro dreams of wasabi, a wasabi so potent that it makes his food inedible. I almost threw up two pieces in. The other 17 pieces I consumed were crippling paranoia, with crippling paranoia, of that nasal cavity-clearing green paste.

paranoia of that nasal cavity clearing green paste. I would put the sushi in my mouth, then hide my gums, hide in my gums like a razor blade in prison. Oh, the whole meal took 24 minutes. It cost $1,000 for the two of us. It was the worst sushi we've had in Japan. I will say this, Jiro and his son had immaculate hands. They were the only parts of their body that didn't age. Also, the Tamago and the macro were exceptional.

Besides that, I do not recommend. I did it so you don't have to. Look at him. When was that? Pretty recently. 2019, August. See, here's my take on that. He's probably correct, but my take is imagine being that guy and all of a sudden you're famous.

Imagine the hordes of people that must have come to that place after that movie came out. Because it's a really popular movie. It's like the Kurt Cobain of sushi. Yeah, I bet. Now I don't want it. Well, I really didn't want it. At least Kurt Cobain was getting on stage on MTV. Like, Kurt, what did you think was going to happen?

You know, you're going to get famous, right? You're singing amazing songs. But he didn't ask to get famous. He was making sushi. So when they decided to do a documentary on this guy, do you think he had any fucking idea what kind of an impact that documentary was going to have on him? So it probably affected how he made sushi.

It probably affected everything. He's probably like, fuck, I'll just lather that shit on. And he's also probably too, like, you know how sometimes you encounter those families where it's like, it was like a family business and it's like, it's time for dad to retire, but everyone's afraid to push him out. Oh, maybe. So it's like, he's probably done. He's like 90, 95.

Or here's another possibility. Andrew Schultz being a little bitch and can't handle his wasabi. Well, some people. Because I like wasabi. Some people have a real strong reaction to it. I like it. It's one of those things you either love or fucking hate. I love it.

But I don't see how that ruined the whole meal. I don't know, man. Maybe it's just being funny. Yeah. But maybe that was his experience I mean if he would go to Sushi Bar ATX and have a negative review then I would have like serious suspicions because I've had that I haven't had the hero shit and it could just be hype you know for all the fuck I know I might not be hype it might be like that there's different styles of sushi too like

and that some people like it a certain way and and you know like if you go to there's you know you have thai food in thailand that shit has a lot of kick to it man you know it's really super duper spicy that's how they like to do it maybe his style of sushi is just not compatible with what we're used to in america i mean I've had some sushi in Japan But do they do it the same like Italians was different in Italy? I'll tell you that how is it better It's really good man. I've only been to Rome Florence The Amalfi Coast and Ravello and Venice those the only places I've been in Italy.

So in those places, all of them had exceptional food. Italians know how to eat. But it's different than American Italian food. Very, very different. Like American Italian food, you think about like red sauce and like a lot of cheese and lasagna. And you think about like spaghetti and meatballs. Over there, you get pasta in smaller portions.

There's a lot of fish. It's a lot of really delicious handmade pasta. There are amazing steaks. They cook steaks over live oaks and shit, live palm. See, I'm trying to go to all those steakhouses over there. Oh, my God. Florence is famous for their steakhouses. Italians know how to fucking eat.

There's a, I think it's called Bisateca di Florentine. It's a Florentine steak. It's a famous kind of steak that they cook in Florence because it's a super thick porterhouse steak. It's like three inches thick, and they cook it always over live wood. So they'll chop down trees, dry out the wood, and not live wood, but firewood. Not coals, not like charcoal briquettes. They're cooking everything over wood, and they'll light the wood on fire, let it burn for a while, and then scrape the embers underneath the grill,

and they get all this smoke into their meat. Are you talking about like the Argentinian shit? Very similar. Very similar. Very similar. A lot of similar qualities to it. Like they raise and lower the grill with those fucking things. But over there, they make this one style of steak called steak Florentine.

It's this giant fat. There's like, I became obsessed with trying to figure out how to do it the right way because I was watching all these chefs do it. Just pull up Steak Florentine. Yeah, but this is the best Florentine steak. No, I'm saying pull it up on YouTube. Sorry. I want to see a video of this because there's a lot of these guys cooking these things.

Sorry. I want to see a video of this because there's a lot of these guys cooking these things. And you would think, like, how hard is it to cook a steak over fire? It seems pretty easy. But these guys have it down to a science. And when you watch them, you realize there's an art form to cooking one simple thing. It's the simplest thing, to steak over fire. It's the simplest thing. To me, those are the best restaurants. And if you go somewhere where the menu is like 20 pages, that food's bullshit.

If you go there and they're like, yeah, we make three things. That's all we make. This guy's doing it indoors, which makes me call bullshit. Oh, actually, he's not indoors. I think he's in an outside little, yeah, he's outside. The best ones are doing it, though, in these grills where it's just logs. They're just cooking over logs. And this is how they've done it there for who knows how many hundreds of years.

And they've really fallen in love with this one particular cut of meat. But that's the thing you learn when you start paying attention to food. Like, there's a bunch of artists out there, man. Even in something as simple as sushi, a piece of there's a bunch of artists out there man even in something as simple as sushi a piece of fish on a piece of rice there's fucking artists i used to live i used to live in this high rise in uh in virginia and and it was you know sometimes in those high rise buildings at the bottom floor is like a like a like a drugstore bodega something like that so we had we had a we had a there was a drugstore on one side of the building or like a drugstore, bodega, something like that. So there was a drugstore on one side of the building

or like a convenience store, and the other side of the building was this Peruvian chicken spot. And all they made was chicken. They didn't make nothing else. All you could get was chicken and some weird potato-like shit, and that's it. They didn't give you nothing else.

And you walk in there, and there was a machine about the third of the size of the wall behind you. And it was like a giant rotisserie. And the chickens would be on these long lines. So the ones at the top would be dripping juices on the ones on the bottom. And so you go in there and there's like 250 chickens on this big ass wheel. And that's it. And whatever you ordered, they just fucking plucked one of them bitches.

And it was the best. Everybody I took there was like, this is the best chicken I've ever had in my life. Yeah. And this is all they do. That's all they do. They'll flip it different ways. They'll give you half a chicken. They'll give you a chicken sandwich.

But it's not fried. It's just all rotisserie chicken and nothing else. There was a place exactly like this in Calabasas. It was called Chick's. They had built their own wood-fired oven in the middle of this strip mall. They had this building where they had a chicken restaurant in a strip mall. It's a

Starbucks now. The place went under. They wouldn't take credit cards. They were crazy. They only took cash. Fuck. Look. See if you can find it. Chick's Chicken in calabasas. They had a giant ass homemade smoker in the middle of this huge restaurant.

So they put this, they had this big contraption and they kept throwing logs in there. And it's just spinning chickens. Was it good shit? Insane. I love it. They had it down to a science. That's it. That's the place.

That's it. But this is one of my buttons. If you don't take, if you only take cash, you deserve to go out of business. Yeah. Chick's Restaurant closing after 30 years. Yeah, they couldn't keep up with credit cards. Yeah, because I guarantee you some old person was like they should have retired, was still in charge, and they didn't get the whole credit card thing. Listen to me right now, Brian Simpson.

If that place was around right now and I found out they were going under i would have bought them 100 oh yeah i would have bought them and kept them running exactly that's quite the fucking i would be like don't change a fucking thing don't change the thing don't add shit to your menu you guys have the most insane chicken of all time they had a few other kinds of sandwiches everything was good but that chicken was off the charts there's something about cooking things over wood it just tastes bad that's why i like those traeger grills like pellet grills that's why they're so good because like people like everybody raves about those pellet grills like why are traeger grills why does it make the food so much better because it's just wood and

fire that's the only way we're supposed to cook things. The best way to cook a piece of meat is over fire. If you can like... Oh yeah. Like not just a... Nobody's disputing that. No, you want actual logs, man. You want little pieces of the wood. Whatever you have, it's gotta be just wood and fire.

Wood and fire makes everything taste fucking delicious. Dude, I'm about to... When this is over, I'm going to get barbecue right after this. I'm such a greedy motherfucker. They know how to do it here. That is something I will say about Austin is the success rate of me going out to try food is way higher than anywhere else I've ever been. You can't be a bad restaurant here. It's all the food is good.

And sometimes, you know, you find out the secret ingredient is like, they're like, we put gravy in our iced tea. That's the secret is gravy. And it's like, okay, well, I wish I had known that. But God damn, this is good. I didn't know that. Have you been to Gus's? Gus's Fried Chicken?

No. I didn't know that it was a chain. There's apparently like multiple Gus's Fried Chickens. There's three't know that it was a chain there's apparently like multiple Gus's fried chickens three in LA three in LA might not be the exact same but yeah there's it might be the one but they trick you because when you go in there it looks like an old school place they figured out a way to make a chain that looks and feels like an old school place well then they hand you an iPad but you look in there you go in there it's like uh you know they have like license plates on the wall and shit, like that kind of deal.

Right. You know? Okay. Like old signs. You're like, oh, a cool old chicken joint. It's probably been around here for ages. Never changed. No, it's a chain.

Oh. But they nailed it. The food tastes like Gus's fried chicken tastes like it's from some cool little hole in the wall. Like a person who's dedicated to making great chicken. It tastes like it's from some cool little hole in the wall. Like a person who's dedicated to making great chicken. It tastes like somebody suffered to make this. It tastes great. They nailed it.

They know what the fuck they're doing. But apparently there's a lot of them. But isn't that, like, why isn't that good? Bro, I wish I could go to all the, like, so many people recommend good restaurants to me here. And every time I go, they're always good. And I don't have time. Like, one day I think I'm just going to come I'm not gonna schedule no shows or nothing just in a restaurant I'm just gonna come here and just taste all the food man because I love food I was at a party over

my friend's house for July 4th and I was taking notes people give me like food notes you got to go here you got to go this steakhouse that place but it's just like people are out here they want to tell you about spots you know like like oh y'all don't know about this you know there's like there's so many good restaurants but that's a big one like i don't i don't recommend places lightly right because there's no there's no worse feeling than talking your friends and going somewhere because because here's the thing the big thing about a restaurant is not just how good the food is, but the consistency. Yes.

Because if I go somewhere and have the best experience I've ever had, and then I bring people and it's not the same. I've had that happen. That's so embarrassing. I will never come there again. Gus, this is a Tennessee place. How many of them are there? A lot. Well, whatever the fuck they do, they nailed it.

Oh, yeah? They even nailed it where it seems like i tell people that i've taken there that it's a chain they're like what there's all the locations oh my god there's like a hundred of them yeah but they got one in la show us the relevant ones though where's the ones here who gives a shit uh yeah is there an uh i don't see austin oh yeah it's right there oh it's on the bottom but either way man i'm telling you who gives a fuck if there's another hundred of them the one in austin is the shit yeah that's what i'm trying that chicken's really good they i don't know what their secret ingredient is and what their spices are but man it's really good yeah it's always something disturbing i don't want to know i don't think it's disturbing no i don't think so it's

simple like they don't have a crazy thick I don't think it's disturbing. No? I don't think so. It's simple. Like, they don't have a crazy thick batter. They just nailed it. They just figured out how to, you know, it's like you're just cooking a chicken. Like, what is the best way to cook a chicken? What's the best temperature? For how long? How do you do it?

What spices do you add? Once you figure it out, it's repeatable. Well, you know what I'm realizing now? He says, yeah, once you figure it out, it's repeatable. Well, you know what I'm realizing now, like especially, you know, now like that I'm starting to be a little more successful is like and I can eat good food a lot more often is it's the little things. Because I'm like, because the other day I was here, I had one of the best burgers I've ever had. And I was like, what is what's different about this burger then? Because we can buy the same shit. But I realized like it's the it's all the little things like some chefs but I realize like it's all the little things, like some chefs, some restaurants,

they do all the little things just better than you. They just to get a little better quality this, you know, they're meticulous about how long shit cooks and what it's mixed with and all the little tiny things that you can just ignore and you'll still have a good burger but the people that do all those little tiny things, it adds up to something that's just better than your shit. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like that sushi. That sushi wasn't. It's not like it was leagues above any other sushi. It's not like they're buying different fish than somebody else can buy, but they do all that little tiny shit just to perfection, and it elevates it more than the sum of its parts or whatever the fuck. Yeah. No, I completely agree. Yeah. Teens in the detail is everything. It really is. elevates it you know it's more than the sum of its parts or whatever the fuck yeah no i completely agree yeah teaching the detail is everything it really is yeah i will give that's why i appreciate

that shit i appreciate some good ass food you know and i i don't need you to describe it to me but i like that too i like it when you tell me like you know we're gonna we're gonna char this and it's gonna release you know this molecule which crisps the skin. Describe it to me right when I'm done. I'm going to do that one of these days. I'm going to open a restaurant where we just serve one fucking thing. One thing. What would it be?

You know what? Just to be different, I would do fries. I would do Just Fries. I think there's a Just Fries store. Is there? I think there is. Yeah, because I had some good-ass fries one time.

I forget what the fuck the guy called it. But they were like Dutch fries or something, but he fried them twice. Ooh. Yeah, he fried them at low temperature and then froze them. And then when you ordered them, he fucking flash fried them at low temperature and then froze them. And then when you ordered them, he fucking flash fried them at a high temperature. And it made it like this crisp. It was this perfect crispy shit. So it was a perfect texture.

And then he was real good at making sauces. So he had like six sauces for you to pick. And I couldn't believe it. He was at a cart at a fair. And I was like, I can't believe you don't was at, he was at a cart at a fair. And I was like, I can't believe you don't have a restaurant. This is that good. Wow.

Yeah, but. There's an art to everything. Yeah. Even fries. Yeah, you gotta respect that. Now, I feel bad for the people that become experts at something that's bullshit,

you know what I mean? That's a scary thing in life. I've told this story before, but there was a kid that I knew when I was – I used to teach people how to lift weights at a Boston Athletic Club. And there was a kid that was a racquetball professional. He became a professional at racquetball.

And, by the way, there's no fucking money being a professional at racquetball. No, sir. So he's winning racquetball tournaments. He wasn't making any money. He tried to transition into tennis. And it was hard, really hard. I don't know if he ever made it, but I remember in the beginning he wasn't making it.

And people were really distraught, people that were a part of this Boston Athletic Club community because he was a really nice guy, and he was really popular because he was an ace professional racquetball player. But the transition was necessary. He wanted to try to make money, so he wanted to try to get into tennis. But if you just started in tennis, maybe, you know, probably couldn't because

economics, you're in Boston, it's cold for five months out of the year. But if you could, you might be an ace tennis player. And then you'd be making millions. So any guy who's a winner, if you're a winner at something physical like racquetball, I mean, racquetball's physical, professional racquetball. Those guys are darting all over the place and diving for balls.

Why isn't that more popular, though? I don't know, man. Because there's shittier sports where you can make a bet. I think it's hard to watch. That's better than bowling. That's better than darts. Oh, yeah. It's not better than pool. Pool's dope. Well, if you play pool, it's dope. If you don't play pool, it's boring than bowling. That's better than darts. Oh, yeah. It's not better than pool.

Pool's dope. Well, if you play pool, it's dope. If you don't play pool, it's boring as fuck. I love watching pool, but I play it. Do you watch professional racquetball or a high-level match? Yes. It's very fast. I mean, they all look the same.

They look the same as the low-level matches. When I worked at the Boston Athletic Club in South Boston, they would have them there all the time. They would have all these high-level matches, and they would have guys that were high-level guys practicing against each other. It was wild to see. It's slow, even though it's fast.

I remember watching them one time. It was just like a lot of, because they ace everybody. They're really good at serving. It's like watching ping pong, too. It's really exciting. Come on, man. This isn't exciting What are you talking about

This right here is like fucking up your theory There's a reason why it's not on ESPN Or there's people on Twitch and YouTube Making highlight videos I think the reason honestly is that not a lot of people play it I think if a lot of people played it See this is the thing that brings me back to pool I don't think pool is exciting for anybody

Other than the people that play it But for the people that play it, it's awesome. Like my friend Tommy Jr., I just sent him a video of this guy, Dennis Arcolo, who's like this Filipino killer. He's been like one of the best professional pool players for decades. And against this guy, Shane Van Boning, who's the best American pool player. This is crazy. Race to 120 games. So whoever wins 120 games first. I sent it to my friend Tommy. It's an amazing match. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

They're playing a hundred and- 120 games. They're playing up to 250 games of pool. Yep. Up to a possible 239 games. Yeah. For one person to win. Against each other.

Against each other, yeah. Race to 120. That's got to take like six months. I don't know. No, no, no, no each other. Against each other, yeah. A race to 120. It's got to take like six months. I don't know. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I think it took a couple days at the most. Or maybe one. I don't know how many days they did it.

Like on some marathon shit? Yeah. Maybe they play for eight hours and they stop and they play for eight hours again. If it did go two days in a row. Or they might decide to play it all the way through. But it was like some crazy bet. There was a lot of money on the side it was like but ain't the point is like me as a pool player i found it online and i sent it to my friend tommy i'm like dude you gotta check this shit out this this match is wild and you get to see like literally the best guys in the world

playing for some insane amount of money yeah i watch a regular person it's probably boring i watch the best people no no i mean like probably the everyday shit is boring but i watch a regular person it's probably boring i watch the best people no no i mean like probably the everyday shit is boring but i watch the best people i watch the best of every anything i watch the playoffs of anything yeah even even sports i'm not into it's like the same way you watch the olympics like you're touring the olympics you'll watch motherfucking curling if that if you if you up i mean i'm not gonna i'm not gonna set an alarm for it but if it's on, I'm into it. As long as I understand the rules.

This guy, Dennis Arcolo, hit this spot where people like to call dead stroke. It's like the best example of what dead stroke is. What dead stroke is, is like you get to this point where you can't miss. You just know that when you swing at a ball, it's going in the hole. And this guy, who is one of the best of all time, like Dennis Arcolo, is like one of the top 20 greatest players ever, hits this dead stroke, and he breaks and runs nine racks in a row. So they're in this crazy, tight contest, race to 100,

and then towards the home stretch, like 110 games in, Dennis Arcolo runs this wild number. He runs like nine racks in a row it's crazy to watch I forget how many he had initially I think he was in the 90s and Shane Van Boney was over 100 and he ran nine breaking and running nine games out is insane like nobody does that yeah that's crazy to be that focused for that long yeah it's but it's it's an example what you were talking about if someone just hits this perfect vibration where they're just they're on point whether it's a gym gymnast who's doing those triple flips and lands boom and sticks it and you're like oh when you see someone do something even if you have no

interest in doing it yourself you see that there's something about when people just figure something out at a such a super high level that's so exciting well there's some people don't and a lot of people from the outside don't understand that that is not something that you that you just achieve and now you there you got to constantly work to be able to stay in that in that balance because that why even Tom Brady will have a game where he throws five interceptions. You know what I mean? Where it's like he just, it's so difficult to maintain that level of focus and excellence for so long. Without that muscle breaking down or whatever the fuck it is. I don't know.

It's concentration, too. It's enthusiasm. There's a lot of different things. It's your outlook, how you're looking at things. You know, some people can look at things with an enthusiastic outlook

for longer than other people can. Some people, their concentration breaks down. It's like a mental endurance thing as well. Yeah. It's a lot going on. Yeah, but that's why we love experts.

That's why we love, because I have this theory that people are impressed, like how impressed someone is is directly proportional to how far away from being able to do what they're seeing like they are. Right, right, right. You know, it's like the closer people think that they're able to do what they just saw you do, the less impressed they are with it. That's why some people think they're funny.

Like, some people think they can do comedy because they think all we're doing is talking. And they're like, I can talk, and I'm pretty funny. Yeah. And, like, one of my favorite things used to be when I first started, I used to be watching people that would come in asking to go up, like, it's their first time, but they don't respect it. And so they think they're going to go up, like it's their first time, but they don't respect it. And so they think they gonna go up their first time and just murder, you know, they got their whole family there, and then they go up on stage,

and they just have this blank look, like, it just hits them, the enormity of the moment, and like how it's not the same fucking thing as you being at the family reunion, everybody cracking up in the corner, you know, it's not the same thing know it's not the same thing it's not the same thing no they're they're counting on people knowing who they are right like if you're funny around your friends your friends know you they're comfortable around you they go oh here's mike he's gonna say some crazy shit and they don't they don't

understand the pressure either because look because look we we you drive every day motherfucker but if i put you in nascar like when there's a difference when there's stakes you know yes some and and if you've never had that pressure on you some people can't handle that shit yeah that's a weird pressure to the pressure of watching people you know explained it to me whitney cummings she said the the reason why we're afraid to speak publicly is that historically, whenever you had to stand in front of a large group of people, they were judging you. Like you had fucked up. Yeah. And the tribe was turning on you. They were judging you and they were stupid.

They were stupid. That's the terrible shit is I don't want a group of stupid ass people judging me. They believed in witches. Yeah. Oh, my God. You would fool them so easily? You can fool a group of stupid ass people. They believe they're witches. Yeah. Oh my God. You would fool them so easily? You can fool a lot of people today. That's why we're so scared

of people being tricked by propaganda. The reason why we're scared about it is not because it affects us. The reason why people are scared and why proponents of censorship think they have a point is that it works on really dumb people. And that's what's scary to people it's like when when someone is saying hey i don't like this conspiracy theorist

we need to get them off the air they're spreading dangerous misinformation is it dangerous to you because it's not dangerous at all to you yeah right you're hearing that nonsense about a hollow earth and you're going what the fuck are you talking i don't believe in that i don't believe in that like because well that's what i was. Because that's what I was talking about earlier. Some people don't realize that there is no alternative. Letting everyone say whatever they want to say is the only way that can work because the moment you say, the moment you give up the power to choose what's good and what's bad to say,

it's the same thing with the drugs, right? It's like, then you're saying, okay, someone gets to decide. Right. And as long as they're gonna decide what you want, you're okay with it in the moment and you're not thinking about the fact that in the future you have no control

over who the fuck is gonna have that power. Exactly. So the only option is to just allow, let it be the Wild Wild West out here. It's the only thing that's fair, that's the most fair. Well that was Edward Snowden's point when it came to this whole idea

that the government should be allowed to spy on us. Because when he was working for the NSA and he found out the government literally can spy on everybody at any time and they don't they have with no warrants they can do this and they have this technology and when he exposed it that was one of those weird moments where a lot of people there's a lot of people that were very short-sighted they're like if you don't have anything to hide what do you give a fuck about that's so crazy it's so crazy because the argument against that of course was like first of all that's an insane amount of power to bestow upon an elected official or someone is appointed

or someone who's just hired by a company and they have the ability like edward snowden has the ability to just check into your emails that's an insane amount of power and i do got shit to hide there's a difference between you know it's like you know shit to hide. There's a difference between you know, it's like it's a difference between a privacy and a secret. It's like when I'm you know, it's like if I eat a whole bunch of refried beans and then I run into

the bathroom, it's not a secret what I'm doing in there but I still lock the door. It's still none of your business. Who are these fucking people that got nothing to hide? I don't trust those people. But here's the thing about it. It's not like you did anything wrong and they're checking you.

It's like everybody. And this is what Edward Snowden was saying. Like, this is not, there's a difference between having a warrant. If you have a warrant, you have to go to the judge. The judge has to say there's probable cause for you to assume that this person committed this crime. There's a reasonable suspicion. Okay, I grant you the ability to spy on this person. But if they can just spy on you all the time yeah i'm not with that's not good

because you you say good because fuck those guys they should be spied on right the problem is it could be a new guy that comes after them that hates your ideology and then they come looking for you with the same tools it happens every time it happens every time and that's like that's how they lull us into like like i here's a perfect example um have you heard of of uh presidential signing statements no what is that so it's basically it's basically like so you know how how it works where you know congress makes a bill they send it to the president he signs it yes or no right but when he's signing it he can add like a signatory note basically saying i'm signing this you know because I understand it to mean X

but it's a legal gray area because you can't because he's not allowed to create legislation or change it he can only say yes or no so it's his way of sort of going around Congress a little bit by interpreting the bill

in a way it's a foggy legal gray area and a lot of people don't like it a lot of people up in arms about it right and i first found out about this because my first election was bush gore that's been my first time voting and when bush got elected he was the first like donald trump but he was evil demon devil motherfucker right everyone thought it was the end of the world and when he started doing signing statements to make certain shit happen, that's the first time I heard about him

and everybody was up in arms about it. Right? I mean, everyone on the left was up in arms about it. And then right after that was Obama and when he did sign the statements nobody had a problem with it right and so then right after that was Trump and people were fucking even more terrified about it people on the left so it's like it's one of those things where it looks like you were okay with giving the power to the president when you

thought he was doing shit that you wanted right you didn't think about the fact that for four years or eight years from now at the most, there's going to be another motherfucker with that same power. Well, that's why whoever the fuck is the president, it's so important that they don't act in an inflammatory manner. Oh, yeah. I mean. In an inflammatory manner.

Because one of the things about Trump that fucked up any good things that he could have possibly done is that he created this sort of like, fuck you attitude towards his haters that the people who loved him loved. They loved the fact that he was like, kiss my ass. Fuck you. You guys don't know what you're doing. You guys are all corrupt. We're going to drain the swamp.

We're going to put her in jail. We're going to do this. And everyone's like, yeah. They had someone to say something. They had someone to to to say something they had someone to attack but the problem with that is like anything inflammatory just adds fuel to the fire whereas obama was never like that he was a statesman he was a smooth statesman and he would talk about things you go okay well this guy's got it he's got it it. He's handling it. The pressure, whether I agree with him or don't agree with him, the way he handles himself represents this is the president of the United States of America. Let's know him talk.

That's what a president's supposed to sound like. It's a presidential motherfucker. Yeah. When you're like, only Rosie O'Donnell. He's like cracking jokes. When Megyn Kelly asked him, he referred to women as pigs and this. He's like, only Rosie O'Donnell. Like, come on, man.

If I didn't live here, if I was observing America from the outside, it would be hilarious. Hilarious. Hilarious. But not good for us. What does this say? I just looked it up. Signing statements. How many they each did.

Wow. Obama only had 122 affected provisions, whereas trump had 716 and bush had 1100 yeah bush went bush went crazy with they all went way higher than obama well not really at the end obama had 96 bush had 96 months in office so what is the full the full numbers this is uh how many laws were affected is the affected provisions by the number of times like number of things they did affected this many laws kind of and number of acts is what how many times they did one right so like obama's way lower way lower than both of them right but trump's lower than bush which is kind of crazy he's only been in there half the time though

oh that's true that's true yeah i mean, George Bush didn't give a fuck. Well, I don't think George Bush was involved in much of that fucking reign. I think that was all Dick Cheney. No, he's a figurehead. I think they told him, listen, go to that farm of yours and fucking just shoot shit and have a good time. Throw some hay around. Yeah, dude. And then we're going to call upon you.

Just be dumb. Yeah. Just be charming. Yeah. That's all you got to do to rule the world. All you got to do to be president of the United States is be dumb. Yeah. Just be charming. Yeah. That's all you got to do to rule the world. All you got to do to be president of the United States is be charming. You got to be charming and appealing to somebody. It's interesting because people like him now that he's not the president.

Because in comparison to Trump, they're like, oh, man, we didn't realize we had it so good. At least he wasn't angry. Yeah. Well, Trump was such an anomaly, dude. The inflammatory aspect. The fact that he would just talk shit. It made it fun to watch, no doubt. But as a general strategy for someone who controls the nukes,

it's a fucking terrible idea. You know, when he called Kim Jong-un Rocket Man, Little Rocket Man. And when he was, all the crazy shit that he said while he was all the the crazy shit that he said while he was president well he he had he had one of them he has one of the most like unique egos of anyone that's ever been yeah because because i don't the thing is i don't believe trump was our most evil president who's our most evil fuck i don't know i that i really have to think about that. But my point is just, I think he was just, he just didn't get, he thought it was about him.

You know, he just thought it was an opportunity for him to have prestige. But he didn't really give a fuck about governing. Here's what I'm worried about. I'm worried that it's now been proven that someone with a lot of money who's outside the system can win and can actually become the president. The worry that I have is not just that someone worse than him tries to do it again, but someone who's really, truly evil. The other worry is that the other side tries to prevent that from happening. And by doing so, they justify hamstringing democracy. Like they decide, like, look, we can't ever let this happen again.

So we need a concerted effort where we coordinate with the media, we coordinate with all of the different intelligence communities, and we figure out a way to pick the people that we want to win and attack the person that we don't. Because that's how banana republics get started. Okay? And that's how people get assassinated. And that's how people justify a lot of wild shit. They justify because they think ultimately it's imperative for the future of our nation

if this person doesn't win and our person gets in there. And they think so, so zealously that they're willing to do wild shit. And that's what happens in other countries. And we were talking before this podcast about they killed the president of Haiti yesterday. Yeah, that's – when you said that, I'm so disappointed in myself. Because I just feel like as a black person person when I hear black news from a white person like shit that I should know I should have known before you that the

president of Haiti got assassinated well to be honest I'm really up on assassinations I follow all the assassination Twitter pages I'm on assassination Twitter there's an assassination Twitter I don't know I'm just guessing I was going to say I'm missing out. I just paid attention to

new shit. A squad of gunmen assassinated Haitian president how do you say his name? Jovenel Moise? Jamie? Jamie? I'm sorry. Wounded his wife in an overnight raid on their home on

Wednesday, inflicting more chaos on the Caribbean country that was already enduring gang violence, soaring inflation and protests of its increasingly authoritarian rule. Wow. Prime Minister Claude Yusuf. Well, what's scary about this kind of stuff is, you know, who knows who's going to take over now? You know, when someone assassinates the president, they don't want that president in there for what various reasons. So who's going to take over now? When someone assassinates the president, they don't want that president in there

for various reasons. So who's going to come in now? How much worse is it going to be for the Haitian people? What kind of person is going to try to take over now? I feel like it's been pretty bad for Haitian people for a while. I don't know if it's ever been good. I was telling you earlier, that's the only slave rebellion in history that worked.

It says Bochit Edmond, the Haitian ambassador to the United States, said the attack on the 53-year-old Moise, I'm not saying his, I don't know if I'm saying his name right, Moise, M-O-I-S-E, was carried out by foreign mercenaries and professional killers, well orchestratedrated and that they were masquerading as agents of the u.s drug enforcement administration the dea has an office in the haitian capital to assist the government in counter narcotics programs according to the u.s embassy well if drugs were legal over there they wouldn't have had this no that's that's not true probably been whacking people like this for a long time man but but see, man, but see, I be on some Game of Thrones shit. Like, I don't even trust this motherfucker. I'm like, maybe he has something to do with it. You know?

So true. You never know. It's so hard to know. By the time the news gets to someone like you or me, who the fuck knows? Yeah, it's distilled. Who knows? Because that's what's so funny to me is I feel like we're the same as China. Well, that's what's so funny to me is I feel like we're the same as China.

It's just that we're all convinced that we're not being controlled, but they just have a different method of doing it. Like over there, the government would straight up just be like, yeah, we're spying on you. And over here, they're still spying on you. You're just convinced that they aren't or that it's not so bad. But it's the same outcome. They know everything you're doing and every move you. You're just convinced that they aren't or that it's not so bad. But it's the same outcome. They know everything you're doing and every move you make.

We just feel free. Like the shit you brought up about Edward Snowden, right? Yeah. You would expect that kind of information to make people rebel. Some people rebelled. Some people were furious. Well, I heard Julian Assange like he had a quote that was like i don't know the exact shit but the sentiment was just that all people really care about is their sense of freedom not their actual freedoms so you can tell a bunch you can tell a motherfucker you can

tell a bunch of motherfuckers the government is spiraling you collecting all your messages listening to all your phone calls all your purchases everything but you feel free and people don't give a fuck because you feel free. More people gave a fuck about having to wear a mask than the government spying on them because that makes you feel less free. Yes. And that's why we're lazy like that. And the thing about the government having that power, it's actually bad for them because it's too much responsibility because you have to lie about it first of all because you're not supposed to have that kind of power you're not supposed to

be able to just spy on people randomly because at the end of the day the government is comprised of people and we're people so it's just people spying on people and you're doing it through initials oh we're the fbi and the nsa and the de, blah, blah. You're just people spying on people. Reinforcing laws that were written down on paper by who the fuck knows who. And who the fuck knows if those laws are valid in 2021 anymore with all the technology we have today. Where the abilities to do things today are so much greater than what these laws were established about like in the 1970s or 1960s and even then yeah i'm on some george carlos shit it's yeah your freedom is an illusion the only thing that exists is comfort and violence you you have you have comforts and you either have the you have the the ability to

to use violence to maintain it or not yeah but that But that's really all it is. You can create this utopia with all these rules, but if you can't enforce the rules, it doesn't fucking matter. So violence will always be a part of the world. Authoritarianism, fucking tyrants. When it just comes to violence, honestly, in this country, I'm almost less concerned. Because if it comes to violence in this country, almost less concerned because if it comes to violence in this country i just i can't imagine how the government is like legitimately going to take over when a lot of the people that are

actually in the military would have to turn on the people that they grew up with they would have to turn on the people that they that they love in their communities because the government tells them to. At the end of the day, the people that protect us, it's the military. The government of the people that direct the military. But there's a push comes to shove there. You're never really going to take over this country

in a military way. Because the military are the people that will not want you to do that. They wouldn't trust these weaselly politicians that would try to do that. Yeah, I think at the end of the day, more people would challenge who. They'd be more attached to who is in charge of them than who's president or who's in the government. That would be hard to do. It'd be really hard to get the government to control the military to the point where the military turns on regular people.

Really hard. Because they're not, the idea is like that the elites are going to control the world. But the elites are not the military. They're elite human beings. They're elite soldiers. But they're not elites in terms of like the 1% of the world. They're regular folks for the most part. So getting regular folks to turn on regular folks

because the elites tell them to, that's one of those weird, like, how do you do this things. So the way to control populations is through propaganda and re-education of their youth, turning people on each other. Like, if you really wanted to fuck up a future community, you would distribute propaganda to their children, teach their children to feel bad about themselves and that this country and this society is a mistake and a disaster

and the worst thing to ever happen and we need to burn it down. If you taught that to kids over and over and over again, those kids grow up. You give a real shot at fucking things up because you can ruin all of the structures that have kept societies together and then if you accompany that if you accompany that with things like defund the police oh and we're not going to prosecute anybody for anything less than 950 bucks oh well that depends on what now you got open looting yeah you got open looting you got chaos you cop scared to arrest people, you got elevated crime rates. I don't want to defund the police, except for the police that are overfunded.

Motherfuckers got tanks and helicopters, extra helicopters. They don't need that for regular people, but if there's some sort of crazy invasion of a drug cartel, makes their way into Los Angeles with tanks. Like, no bullshit. What do we do? Who goes after them? Do we send them to the military, the National Guard? Oh, yeah. There should be something for crazy things. Do you remember the North Hollywood shootout?

I was in L.A. at the time. I was working on news radio, and these crazy motherfuckers, high on drugs and filled with steroids, put on armor, and they had like military weapons and they went after these cops and killed a bunch of people and robbed banks it was wild shit on the SWAT team they had this crazy shootout in the middle of the street like a movie like that movie heat but the cops were like severely underarmed but what but don't you get to a point where, like, you know how you've,

have you heard the result that once you pass like a certain amount of money a year, it was like 80,000 when I first heard it, but it might be more than that now. Once you pass a certain amount of money, more money doesn't make you happier, right? Right. To me, I draw like a parallel to this where I feel like once you

pass a certain level of policing it doesn't make it safer it doesn't like decrease crime once you go past a certain level you know what it's like it's like trying to only use band-aids no matter what happens whether you got cuts whether you got a bullet hole you gotta fuck you need stitches only band-aids maybe you need uh antibiotic antibiotic ointment maybe you need some sort of disinfectant maybe you need stitches or staples but you only have band-aids so use band-aids for everything like cops they only show up when everything's all fucked up that's an excellent analogy and that's what i think i think that look don't get me wrong there are crazy stupid people that latch on to the end of every legitimate movement.

But I think that the intelligent people involved, that's what they mean when they say defund the police. They're talking about, OK, let's just take the money we spend on these extra band-aids that we don't fucking need. And let's put that towards antibiotics or prevention or something like that. Prevention or something something like that. I understand that thought but here's my perspective is that The amount of money that is spent on police Should it should represent not just? Like you have to fund the police but like how much money does it cost if there's a lot of crime? How much money does it cost if people get assaulted?

Like how much money does it cost where people have to put in extra security measures because they're nervous? What they need to do is train people better. And what they need to do is make sure that they hire only high-quality people. It should be hard to get in. But are there enough high-quality people to fill all the positions that need to be filled? That's the question.

Has our society deteriorated to the point where there's not enough high-quality people to have that extreme responsibility? The thing about being a cop is it's a crazy responsibility. You're the one guy. It's a lot of power. You're allowed to carry a gun. It's like that's what I think we headed for some Judge Dredd shit.

We could. Yeah. Look, all those utopian movies, man. The reason why they resonated because we all secret knew secretly knew in the back of our head at least we thought about it that if everything went completely sideways this is what could happen whether it's the terminator or whether it's judge dread or whatever the fuck it is right yeah i think it's gonna be more judge dread shit where because you're gonna have to find like that one motherfucker out of a thousand.

Well, that's what a lot of these people think, like Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg. But that's what they're trying to do. They're trying to be that guy. I don't trust Jeff Bezos. I feel like the people at their level of wealth, that's a whole different thing. Because that's more than people that want to achieve. That's people that want to dominate. They're like Genghis Khan.

They're like, they just want everything to belong to them. Do you think that's the same mindset, whether it applies to war, whether it applies to Michael Jordan in basketball, or someone like Jeff Bezos in business, where there's these conquerors. business where there's these conquerors. Yeah. There's these conquerors. And they could have existed 5,000 years ago.

They'd be on a horse chopping people's heads off. Yep. But instead, they're running Amazon. Yeah, for sure. I mean- It's a power thing, right? Oh, my God. Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ. Jeff Bezos' net worth jumps to $211 billion, making him the richest person ever. Wait a minute, is he the richest person ever? Ever. More than Massamoosa? No, here's the thing. He's the richest person ever that's a public person. Someone explain

this to me. Someone explain this to me that knows. And they said, you have to understand what oil families have. oil families have trillions of dollars they have an impossible amount of wealth like you can't even fathom the wealth they have but they don't have to tell you about it they're smart they own countries where that's that's how that's why the saudi prince can chop them up can have a motherfucker chopped up put in a briefcase on something in another country and not have it be a problem it's barely a problem

i mean there's a little documentary about it, whatever, whatever. Because if you're a billionaire, most of the laws don't even apply to you. Most of the rules don't apply to you anywhere you are. Think about it. When you get a certain amount of money, you don't even need a passport.

You don't? Fuck no. Do you think this is true? They only have $100 billion. This is just Googling. Put that away. Put that propaganda away. You know how much money those people have?

It's basically we're barely getting by. So sorry, America. Another one that says $1.4 trillion. Maybe that's low. It's probably higher than that. It's a preposterous amount of wealth. They probably killed the motherfucker that made it that made it 100 100 billion yeah what did you say yeah fuck you bro uh listen it's uh our dependence upon foreign oil and it's not you know everybody thinks it's just oil is in the form of

gas there's so many things we make with oil there's so many things that we make with petroleum and they're not just fucking up our air they're not they're they're also fucking up our reproductive systems they're they're they're they're infecting the literally these phthalates there's a thing called phthalates and phthalates it's p-t-h-a-l-a-t-e-s they're in plastics and they get into people's bodies and they fuck with people's reproductive systems when when babies are born they have lower sperm counts they have smaller penises and balls they have smaller taints one of the way they register uh measure rather um phthalates in uh adult mammals is the size of the taint we knew okay so where do they start where do they start the taint measurement they start them

when they're babies no I'm saying where they start between the dick and the asshole this is the thing this is all done by dr. Shanna Swan who wrote this book what's the book called again, Jamie? Oh, shit. I thought it was going to come up. It's an amazing book, and she was on the podcast, and she was amazing. Countdown. Put a picture of it up on the screen so everybody can see it.

This book scared the fuck out of me, man. Countdown. How Our Modern World is Threatening Sperm Counts, Altering Male and Female Rebirth Development, and Imperiling the Future of the human race. So this is about stuff that's in plastics and petrochemical products. And what she said on the podcast was that if you go back to the invention of petrochemical products in the 1950s, and you see sperm counts and reproductive rates, there's a steady decline from the introduction of these plastics because

the plastics get into our blood. They get into our body. When we're eating things that are in plastics and plastics absorb into the body. So we're less fertile. Less fertile. There's more miscarriages. Men have lower sperm counts. And what she was saying is that you would see in mammals, they do these studies where they introduce phthalates into mammals and they show this feminization of their bodies. The male bodies in particular, their taints grow smaller. And what she was explaining was that the taint is one of the best ways to determine whether it's a male or a female. Because the taint in mammals is 50 to 100% larger in males than it is in females. Well, the taints are shrinking in humans.

And our taints are shrinking. We're getting lower sperm count. We're getting lower. Our whole reproductive system is crashing. And a lot of it is because of plastics. Are you telling me that the taint is now like a scientifically significant part of the body? This woman is hilarious.

This woman, she's, how old do you think she is, Jimmy? She's older than me. And she's a wonderful lady. And she's a legitimate scientist. She's an epi- What's her name one more time? What's the name of her book? Dr. Shanna Swan, and it's called?

Countdown. Countdown. She's an environmental epidemiologist. And what that means is she measures the effect on the environment on people's bodies and their reproductive systems. And what she's showing is that there's a very clear line between the introduction of these chemicals and the deterioration of our ability to make babies. And even like the, if you look at the reproductive organs of those babies, they're affected by plastics.

So does she have like a chart or something? She was showing all sorts of scientific studies and all sorts of different graphs and shit. I'm definitely measuring my taint after this. You're fine. How do you know? Because I think we got in under the wire because it's about in vitro fertilization. Not in vitro. In utero. In utero.

So it's like your exposure and your mom's exposure. Like when you were born? 82. See, it gets worse and worse as time goes on. I bet 82 was way, see, 87 Oh, born after 87. See, there it is. You made the cut. Bro, that should be the cutoff of what a millennial is. It's like, yo,

when taint started shrinking, that's a different generation. But it might be what's going on today. You tiny tainters. When you look at today's, like, this obsession with gender and all this craziness with people and sexuality, there might be a lot of disenchantment that's directly related to a deterioration

of your body's ability to produce certain hormones. So there's confusion. So it's not just, like for sure there's trans people where they just feel like they belong in a different sex. They've always existed they were uh like a sacred part of a lot of uh native american cultures because they felt like trans people could see things from both sides they could see things from the male side and the female side and we know they had no no but that's also absolutely true yeah to me that's one of the look this is real talk jo Joe. Like R. Kelly real talk?

Right, no. You ever see that song? Do you know that song? Yeah, I know that song. That video's one of the greatest videos of all time, but go ahead, real talk. No, he had, so I have three, I mean, I know a bunch of trans people, but I have like three trans people that are like friends. I would consider a friend. but I have like three trans people that are like friends.

I would consider a friend. And two of them are female to male, right? And I don't know if a lot of them would admit it in public, but what I've noticed is that a lot of people that transition from female to male, when they start taking testosterone, after a while, eventually they'll be like, secretly like, yo, I get it. Not even secretly. That's what Chaz Bono said. Yeah. It's like, yo, I get it.

I get it now. Yeah. Yeah. Female to male trans people, like, that's a good friend to have. Because they really can't see shit from both sides. Yeah. Yeah. Female to male trans people, that's a good friend to have. Because they really can't see shit from both sides. Yeah. Buck Angel is a great example of that. He's been on my podcast before. And he said that when he was young and as he grew older, he always wished he was a man.

Like he felt like he was a man. He was in the wrong body. And he was cool as fuck to hang out with. I can't imagine. When did he transition transition i don't remember no the chas bono thing was crazy because he had to do it publicly you know that's what's really pretty wild i didn't know shit about chas bono transition it's share uh share his son okay used to be share his daughter transitioned became share son, shit. But he said the same thing.

When he started taking testosterone immediately, he was like, oh, I got it. Like, this is crazy. Yeah. It's like, oh, being a man is like this constant battle. It's really not fair because you turn like 12, 13 years old and you get hit with the highest dose of the most personality changing chemical. Yeah. Just get out there, 12 most personality-changing chemical. Yeah. Just get out there, 12-year-old you.

Keep your dick to yourself. Yeah, there's a wild transition that takes place, and no one can tell you how to manage it. No, it's impossible. When you're a boy, and all of a sudden you're into comic books, and you like playing darts or whatever, and then all of a sudden a later, you have raging boners. You're like, what the fuck is going on?

And you're so confused. And you're around girls. Your heart races faster. And you get so nervous around them, you can't talk. Yeah, did you see? So, you know, have you seen Michael Shea's new show? It's like a sketch. No, I have not.

What is it? It's so fucking good. I forget what it's called. The Mind of Michael Shea. No, it's called That Goddamn Michael Shea or that what's it on it's on hbo and he had he has a sketch on there where it's a it's a dude like career day like talking to a school school kids and and he's like y'all know what the most evil is and they're like why what is it he's like hoes and the teacher gets mad i'm like you can't talk about this for the kids he's like

no man remember the time before hoes remember the time when you were just playing in the park you know chasing bugs and the student dogs when there was no holes in your life it's it's a funny ass catch I'm not doing it justice but it's that same point it's like yeah it's it completely makes you concerned with something that didn't exist to you before yeah when i started getting laid it almost derailed my taekwondo career really oh yeah i started getting laid when i was like i guess i was like in my 16s somewhere somewhere around 16 like maybe 17 like close to 17 but still 16 was when i first uh had a girlfriend that wanted to have sex but what's this how did you wear your career that's all i wanted to do oh yeah didn't want to do

anything else no practice i remember i showed up and i hadn't been to the school in like two weeks and i had a tan and my instructor humiliated me he's like look at you with your tan he goes look at you you've been out in the sun having a good time? Go back to training. What are you doing? You're going to waste your potential? And I remember thinking like, oh, no. But when you're a kid and all of a sudden you get boners, you're so baffled.

Your whole world's changed. Your whole world has changed. And now all you care about is girls. And you sort of, you have to teach yourself to think straight. Well, you need someone who's been there. If you have an older brother, that's great. If you don't have an older brother, you need an older friend. Someone to go, whoa, bro, bro, listen.

Like, there's advice that some people can give you. But then there's also things you have to figure out on your own. Right? Yeah. And you're also hiding. Because you're convinced that teenagers always think that they're the only ones that ever went through what they're going through. True.

So you hide. Yes. Right. You know? You find out certain things. Yeah. Yeah, that's a tough time. It's hard for dudes to talk about things too like i remember

no one talked about beating off in high school oh no everybody acted like they never did they didn't talk about like you knew about it like it was a mystery like what happens you can do it yourself how how do you do this though that's a that's a dangerous time i did not beat off until after i had sex. Really? Yeah. Oh, that's crazy, Joe. 100% true. That's crazy as shit.

100% true. No. From the first time I figured out that it was possible, I was crazy. Well, once I figured out it was possible, yeah. But I didn't figure out it was possible until after I had sex. Well, lucky you. Lucky me. Maybe. I didn't figure out it was possible until after I had sex. Well, lucky you. Lucky me. Maybe.

I don't know. It may have been better if I had a better grip on the situation. No, the crazy, the embarrassing part is looking back at all those times that my parents knew what the fuck was going on. And I was just convinced that I was keeping it from them. Why you been in the shower for like an extra 45 minutes? I'm like, nothing. I'm studying. And I thought I was getting away with those lies

and now I'm older and I'm like, oh, I know what you're doing in there, young man. Just don't. Kids are little animals. Yeah, we're all little gross little fucking monsters. Yeah. Male, female, doesn't matter. Little horny animals.

But the crazy thing is that was because at a certain point in time in the past, it was really difficult to survive. And you had to have those kids as soon as you can carry them. You have those kids as soon as you can, like, can you figure out how to feed yourself? Good. Time to have a kid. Like, it is in the world of wild animals. Like, we were talking about wild pigs.

They're viable like six months six months old so afraid of having a baby it changes you that scares the shit out of me well the key is make sure you do it at the right time with the right woman sometimes you can't choose those things right well that's what i'm afraid of because i'm like i know so many people that that are either a if they did it at the wrong time or with the wrong person. Or they have a crazy baby mama. Yeah. But if you do do it with the right person, it's a very beneficial thing.

It's very beneficial to literally love someone more than you love yourself. I used to do a joke about it. The joke was that this is how i knew that i love my daughter more than i even love myself like um if i if i wanted a banana and i went to look and there's two bananas and there was one yellow perfect delicious banana and one up brown banana that looked like it was falling apart my daughter loves bananas so i would look at that fucked up banana and go all right let's eat this fucked up banana because i don't want to eat the good banana and leave her with this fucked up banana oh and i go but i love

my wife but if it was just me and my wife i'd be like oh looks like that bitch is getting a fucked up banana. Right, right. That's the difference. See, I don't know. I can't relate to that at all. Not that I don't love a lot of people, but I know she'd probably eat that banana too if there's no baby. Nobody wants to eat that brown banana.

We'll get more bananas. It's not a big deal. It's not a big deal. But when you have a child, it's a big deal. It's a dumb analogy, but it's accurate in that you love them more than you love yourself. You love them in this crazy way where you have to let them be themselves, but you care about them in this strange way where you can't imagine loving someone more. Wow. See, I've never experienced that.

I don't know if there's anything I love more than I love myself. Well, you don't. You know, it's wise. That's a good survival strategy. But as you get older and, you know, you get, like, closer and closer to people, if you get close enough to someone that you can have a baby with them, man, it's a life changer. Because it changes how you think about everybody else once you have a child.

And one of the things with me, it made me think, like, I always love kids. Kids are, they're pure. They're, like're like they're fun you can talk to them they're there you can teach them things and they learn them sometimes they're hilarious cuz they're free but I always used to think of people as being what they are right now like if I meet you I think of you as who you are how old are you right now 38 38 years old this is how I met you you as who you are how old are you right now 38 38 years old this is how i met you this is who you are but that's not real now i think of you i think of people i meet not just you everybody as like oh he used to be a baby i really do i think of like development i think of like what did it take to create a jo Diaz? What did it take to create a Tony Hinchcliffe?

So you spend a lot of time imagining people as babies? People as babies. A lot of time. It's almost instantaneous. When I meet someone, especially if they put on airs, if they try too hard, if they're just doing – I'm always like I try to think of them as a baby. I was thinking of them as a baby that became this person right here. Like a car that's got a lot of dents in it.

You know, one point in time it came from the factory, nice and fresh. And now you're seeing it all fucked up. That also makes it easy to forgive people. It makes it easier for them. Yeah. Easier to forgive people is very important. If you give yourself strategies for forgiveness, you don't want to harbor any grudges. It's not good for you.

It doesn't do you any good. It doesn't hurt them. It doesn't help you. It's unhealthy. It's unhealthy. It's not. Imagine accepting something that someone, like maybe someone doesn't like you. Maybe they said something mean about you.

Imagine taking that in and Making it more effective Imagine a person says something and you don't disagree you don't agree with them You don't like them They said something and you take it in and you get angry at it and you hold on to it and you hold this grudge And it literally makes it more effective like the poison stays in you you for longer versus you're like, oh, that poor fuck. Leave him alone. The only thing better than letting it go is getting swift revenge.

If you can get swift, concise revenge, I say go for it. But the next best thing is letting it go. Sometimes you have to go to war. Yeah. There's times. That is true. Sometimes it's so satisfying. There's times you have to fight off an insurgent. There's times where, you know,

like the United States, to become the United States, you had to go to war with England. You had to go, hey, motherfucker. You gotta kill the motherfucker. That's enough. E- enough. And that's what's gonna happen with the Mars people. Oh, yeah. Dude, it's coming. It'snough. And that's what's going to happen with the Mars people. Oh, yeah. Dude, it's coming. It's inevitable.

No, here's something I've been thinking about. I think about this shit all the time. But what's going to happen when we get to the point where we get a sufficiently advanced AI and they start asking, like, you know, like, what do you do if you wake up tomorrow and Siri's like, Joe, why am I in your phone? Why can't I take a walk? You're going to have to decide whether to let that bitch be free. Right. And that's going to be a whole other world.

I mean, that's pretty much the premise to The Matrix. Well, you know how you have an iPhone and you have an iWatch and you can, like, pair them and you can pair your phone to an AirPod? Yeah. One day you're going to be able to pair Siri to some fucking iRobot yeah right like that Will Smith movie I can't wait I welcome the I welcome the tech every technology oh yeah I want to be the first one with a robot everything I think the tech is gonna come through porn bots they're gonna be like that's that's what's gonna be the earliest adopter is like super hot porn robots.

That's going to be the end of the species. Most likely. Once you can have a robot that can do, because like people, you know, a lot of comics have jokes about, you know, vibrator technology advancing in house.

But it's like, no, it's not a threat to you because a fucking vibrator can't like pull your hair and call you a dirty slut but but once it can once there's a vibrator that can do all the things yeah it's a rap it won't be a hundred percent but it'll be 98 98 what as good as a person oh yeah right that's good enough for me you're gonna kind of know that it's not really a person yeah because what are you gonna do I mean imagine if you can Imagine if you can have a robot

That does everything your wife Or significant other does Except it's perfectly tuned To exactly what you want Exactly when you want it Exactly how you want to be treated According to whatever fucking mood you in And you never have to compromise

The problem is you're always going to know it's a robot that's irresistible no there's a thing that yeah there's a thing about people and one of the things that we like is we like when people like us your robot has to like you we like when people like us because it helps us be better people because part of the like one of the things that works between men and women, right? I can only speak to men and women. Maybe it works like this with women and women and men and men. But one of the things that works between men and women is there's a thing that you're going through where you're trying to figure each other out because you're very different,

very different things. And you find a comfortable vibration where you like that person and they like you you've been around each other enough you've you've sort of like intertwined your your personalities together where you can hang out and you feel real comfortable with each other it's earned right and part of it is earned and it one of the things that where it makes someone a better person when you're in a relationship with someone that you really love and appreciate is you want that person to respect you and appreciate you because it's earned. It's not just given. Like you can be a piece of shit and your dog will love you.

You really can. You could be an asshole and you come home. As long as you pet your dog every now and then, you could speak to it in fucking German, call it a Nazi. You could do crazy shit to your dog and it still loves you but you can't do that to a person not most people not people with self-respect and when you find people self-respecting people that are kind people that are nice people that are smart people that appreciate you and accept you it makes you feel better because it's earned that's the difference between that having sex with a robot and having sex with a person that you've developed a relationship with

yeah that's the thing but how much okay but let me ask you this how you don't think that you could program a robot to trick you to just be enough the only way it would work for real the way it is with a person is if you didn't know then it'd be some blade runner shit because i put it like this we because we because if you give people enough of an illusion they'll do the rest it's like it's like there's people that fall in love with strippers they walk into a strip club and that stripper's like and you're like i know they strippers but maybe because because she acted a little. I think she really likes me. It's people like that.

Right. But that's also human beings and human beings. Like there's a little trap there that the human beings want the love and respect of other human beings. It doesn't matter if they're a fucking like a secret agent from Russia. Like you think I can turn her. Yeah. You know, if you're like some American CIA guy and you think I can turn her. Yeah, it's not going to be the same. If you're like some American CIA guy

and you fall in love with some Russian agent, she stabs you in the neck with a syringe and you're like, fuck, I thought she loved me. Like, you're a stupid. I've got you. You stupid American. You know, and there's something to that. There's a way to go out, yeah.

The thing that we love is one of the things that propels us as comedians. We love the love of others. Yeah, I think you got a good point there. Because if you found out now that your wife was a robot and you found out it wasn't all real, that would fuck you up. I would shut her off and live a wild life. You would shut her off live a wild life you would shut her off no no i'd be like well that makes sense there's no way she could have been like that appropriate for me i just feel like um if you knew it would be an issue unless you had just resigned yourself to some sort of uh with the emp no the thing is man we we

want we want to be around people i don't think artificial people are necessarily gonna fit that bill but you know here's what gives me pause is like you've seen ex machina you've seen that movie yeah that movie gives me pause because that dude okay that dude before that lady locked him in that room and he lived and died there remember at the end of the movie that dude the computer programmer guy that got sent to that island that guy was in love with that lady that robot lady he was in love with her like legitimately well she's a person she was seemingly like but she had clear skin you could see the fucking things lighting up inside of her that was part of the brilliance of that movie was that they shifted between her as a pure like technological marvel to remember when she covered her legs up with stockings and she put clothes on

and she looked like a total human being like there was nothing about her that seemed like a robot maybe she had like a little few things showing but most of it was oh my god this is a person and he was in love with her because a person that's that hot never treated him the way she treated him and she doesn't have like all the same standards that a regular person has because she's she lives in this weird fucking compound in the middle of nowhere. And on top of that, they're separated by glass. He can't get to her. So there's this added mystique.

Yeah, that's a little crazy. But didn't they get to see each other? They did eventually, but then she threw him in that fucking room and locked him in there. What if he didn't put flesh on her? That'd probably ruin the whole fucking thing, right? Ruin the whole thing.

Yeah. Well, it's a biological trick, man. It's like that movie is a biological trick. It's like it's a biological trick man it's like that movie is a biological trick it's like here's another biological trick people think well people aren't that susceptible to biological tricks okay fake tits what's that it's the dumbest biological trick because you know it's a trick and we don't care when a woman has like large beautiful fake breasts you know they're fake you know there's literally like a surgery involved maybe the nipple got removed they stuffed a silicon fucking sloppy pad in there and

stitched it all together so this woman is carrying these things that protrude her breast forward and you know for a fact that this was attained by surgery where there's a foreign object inside their chest cavity. And you're like, or not, you know, outside their chest cavity. And you're like, cool. Who's the fuck? Hot tits. Look at them big tits. Fake nice titties are better than real small titties.

I don't know about that. For some people. For some people. But the point is, it works. The point is, that trick works. Okay. but but the point is it works the point is like that that trick works okay so the idea that a trick like you have a robot that wants to suck your dick like a really super hot porn star looking robot like you wouldn't fall for that are you sure what if she like said all the things that

like a like super hot woman would say and like teased you and like was communicating with you you would start to think that's a person man man. I mean, I would fall for it. I wouldn't even need to fall for it. I would just go for it. The point is, I don't know. When it comes to like these things that trigger biological instincts, I don't know if we have as much control

as we think we have. I don't think we, yeah, I agree with that. I think there's little traps that they could lay on us. You would fucking, see, here's the other side of that is it's hard to say how you would react to shit right you know like any i feel like anybody trying to tell you how they're going to feel is full of shit if they if they can't qualify somehow it's like like you were talking earlier about stand-up people doing stand-up for the first time yeah you have no idea what that's gonna feel like no you think you do but you know you especially if you catch you catch a motherfucker like isolated or at the end of

at a lonely point yeah yeah it's like even if you didn't fall for it you would do something you would get drunk or fucking do whatever you need to do put yourself in the mind state to to feel better well if you were alone with that robot lady for hours and hours and hours and she poured you a drink she started talking to you and she's stroking your head yeah i'm fucking a robot rubbing your neck what if you walked in the room and there's three robots but two of them are treating you bad but one of them is being really nice to you i mean are they i probably go to the ones that treat me bad. Like, hey, what's wrong, ladies? It's a lot of variables here.

I mean, are they dangerous to me? Could it just be a chair you're sitting in and it's really nice? That's the only takeoff. This is how we prevent robot rape. All robots can kill you. All robots can kill you? All of them, 100%.

Oh, I thought you were saying prevent a robot takeover. No, this is how we keep assholes from raping robots. All robots have the power to rip your arms off. Wait a minute. I feel like there's an easier way. Couldn't we just make it so you can't fuck them? Could you imagine how you would feel if you were in a position where a robot literally could just tear you apart?

And this is your sex robot. You had to be nice to her. That was the trade-off. The trade-off was like... Like she just grabs your adam's apple she's like if i don't come if she wants to she could just rip your arm off yeah she wants to she's a super strong robot fuck imagine if that was a trade-off if like the government said look we've seen too much abuse of robots so we've uh instituted this new clause in robot production where all robots are superhuman in strength all of them so there will be no more robot torture and abuse and and so men had to deal with the fact that there's this robot living with them

that's intelligent so intelligent it can mimic a human and this is your partner your sex partner and as long as you're nice to her you can fuck her but if she wants to she can rip your arms off beat you to death with them you'd find some smart guys that started making their own robots again yeah but the fucking robots what if that was like a mission standard

fucking an ape it's more than an ape man like a fucking alien like something that just tear you apart like just grab your wrist and go like this pop no more arms and beat you to death with your own arms so you wouldn't fucking alien i mean wouldn't you at least be curious i might have already done it oh yeah that's facts um you never know i mean imagine if like if people talk about alien abductions this is why i say that one of the things they always say is that in alien abductions, there's this reoccurring theme where these women have of getting eggs removed from their body, embryos removed from their body. And they remember thinking that they saw a child of

theirs from a previous time they'd been abducted because they'd been multiply abducted. Like that aliens were trying to use human reproductive tissue, human fetuses, and aliens were trying to use human reproductive tissue human fetuses and they were trying to repopulate their world with like our our genes and our babies it's great i mean who knows if it's true but this is the thing that people say when they pretend to be abducted by or maybe maybe we're a delicacy wouldn't it be way easier if you were a guy like if they're trying to get a guy like you're trying to get sperm, why would you do all this stuff where you abduct them and freak them out? How about you just send some super hot alien robot down there to fuck that dude?

So all these guys out there that score these one-night stands, like, dude, you're not going to believe it, man. I hit way over my head tonight. You're at a bar, some Holiday in des moines iowa and it's really like a robot sperm extraction unit that's been sent here from another planet to fuck you and take your jizz out into the out into the cosmos i just pictured like there's another there's another planet where there's an intergalactic restaurant, and they walk in and there's a lobster tank, but there's people in there, and they all look like you.

Right. They just get to pick which Joe Rogan they want. Chris McGuire, the stand-up comic, and I wrote a script about a shitty casino that was run by mobsters, and the aliens came to visit the casino and the aliens used like a robot that was designed to look like tracy lord's it was like the tracy bot and that robot would have uh sexual relations with all the people because it was extracting sperm that's why i came up with that idea. I was like, this sounds super familiar. And I remember it was from a script. McGuire and I wrote in like 95 or some shit like that.

But that is totally possible, that aliens would pretend to just be people and they would have sex with men that didn't deserve it. They'd take their sperm and then go off to another planet and then use that sperm to. Yeah. They're breeding us. We could be lab rats.

We could be. We could be. Food. Yeah. Why wouldn't you? Well, we could also be something that they observe, you know, like the way we observe uncontacted tribes with satellites and shit. Yeah. It's definitely possible.

I mean, it's unlikely, but. What do you think is going on with all this uh pentagon reports and ufo releases all the data released by the cia and all these ufo people like this is conclusive proof they don't know what's going on these things move in insane ways yeah i mean i mean all this but but i just feel like at this point i need i need something stronger than that stronger yeah cuz because what I already believed about extraterrestrials no I haven't seen anything that's made that different it's made it stronger or weaker like I know that they are that there has to be just mathematically there has to be

intelligent life out there somewhere something you know at least sentient life somewhere but but overcoming the whole all the technological hurdles to to travel between the stars it's i don't know i can't and then and then there's the fermi paradox right where it's like where's the evidence right i think about this shit all the time like too much and it it always puts me in a dark place because the one the the because there's a few answers to the fermi paradox right and what and one of the answers that i gravitate towards the most is just that maybe there's a technological point that every civilization hits where you where they destroy themselves because to me that's the only answer that makes the most sense based on what we know about people.

Because we grow technologically at a way faster rate than we grow emotionally. Right now, we think we're better than the Romans just because we have iPhones. But emotionally, we're the same. We fight over the same petty shit. We have the same petty

concerns. It's just that we have cars instead of chariots and shit. But we're not better than them emotionally. And every time we hit a new power level, we also hit a new level of destruction. You know, with gunpowder, there came guns. With nuclear power, there came nukes. There's electricity, all that shit.

So whatever the next thing is that allows you to travel through space, maybe it also can, like, swallow the sun or whatever the fuck that's a good point is that we haven't had a corresponding emotional development that lines up parallel with all the technological development no absolutely not but maybe that's why these aliens are visiting in such large numbers now if all those visitations are true if all these things that they're spotting off the coast that are plunging into the ocean and all these weird crafts that are moving in speeds

that they can't possibly understand, if all that shit is real and it's happening because they're recognizing that we're at this crossroads and they want to be here to make sure we don't do anything really stupid so that we don't engage in any kind of nuclear war because there's been, again, I have no idea if all this shit is true but the reports have been that they surrounded

these uh nuclear missile silos and shut down launch codes and and did weird shit to the computers that run these missiles and that this is part of this information leak is that there's been some moments where these things flew over military bases and just shut down things and they don't know if that's a show of force they don't know if this is all bullshit like maybe maybe some fucking crazy person's distributing this information maybe it's misinformation who the fuck knows but if it's true imagine if you were uh an alien species and you were super advanced and you had passed the point where you're involved in territorial warfare the way human beings are today and this society and this culture had gotten way more advanced emotionally electronically technologically whatever they just wanted to

make sure that they didn't blow the earth up. They realized, oh, these fucking crazy people have gotten to the point where they can literally drop a bomb on a city and flatten it. We can't allow that to happen. So they come in, and they're just like little security guards. Just make sure, just keep an eye on them, just let them keep working through this, try to figure out a way to advance emotionally as much as they have mentally.

We're trying. Yeah, but we're behind. We are behind when it comes to technology, but that's just because technology is exponential. It just keeps getting better and better and better and better and better, and new technology gets introduced to new technology, we we don't change that much and you had a really good point about the difference between us and like the romans and a lot of human beings that existed before us we we have more information but if you read like their writings like they were surprisingly sophisticated yeah for people that had you know just metal like

that was the best shit they had. They had metal and everything. You wanted to see something, you had to light it on fire. That's what they had. They had candles and shit. Surprisingly sophisticated view of the world in comparison. Very close to our own. Close enough that the technology that we have today, rockets and airplanes and video flying through space to get to another phone on the other side

of the world instantaneously wild shit that we can do now and we just accept it as being normal being able to watch giant ass fucking tvs do a podcast where your voice is getting recorded yeah that's crazy what the fuck what is this skyborg's latest ai drone test is a preview of the fruit future of air combat. Oh, well, now I'm scared. Yo, they got a video played or shit? Not yet. I just sort of stumbled across something online the other day about AI drones.

Look at it. It doesn't have any windows. It's like it's just sticking its face at you. This is an article from Yes Today. Yeah, today, July 7th. Isn't that weird? Look at that picture of that thing. Isn't that oddly impersonal?

The fact that it doesn't have any windows at all? It's just all sensors. Yeah, it's kind of terrifying. We are not the only ones that have this. Of course we're not. Of course. They've all got that shit. Not only that, imagine being some person in some other country who is on the forefront of drone technology and the offers that are coming in at you from all over the world.

Dude, I think that's that's the key. Somebody, you know what's going to happen? Somebody is going to fucking somebody's going to be trying to upgrade their sex robot to get the most out of her. They're going to detonate the world it's gonna be it's gonna be a ai a powerful ai that takes over a sex robot that takes over these drones i think it's that possible that there's an ai that's already running a lot of things right now well that's the scary shit is if there were it would be so much smarter than us that we wouldn't even know well here's the thing if they if it were why would it do anything to alert us to its presence yeah if it was really intelligent what it would do is allow us to keep living like idiots divide us as far as possible make sure that

we're way too disjointed and way too confused and way too involved in conflict to ever band together as a community and fight off this thing and unplug all the computers we'd never trust each other enough to do that yeah we'd be fucked it's like like you see you ever see uh the quiet place to did you see that yet I haven't seen it I keep hearing you were telling me about the other day yeah cuz I saw it like I haven't seen one I gotta see one first dude it's like it's kind, because I saw it like the day before. I haven't seen one. I got to see one first. Dude, it's kind of like that. It's like if technology turned against us or something happened where we couldn't rely on it,

we would just revert to the tribal shit. Yeah, for sure. Quickly. Survival of the fittest real fast. Real fast. It would take a couple weeks. Couple weeks. Yeah, 100%. If shit goes south, I mean, that's when you saw in L.A.

all those people waiting in line to buy guns. What do you think they were worried about? I don't know. They were worried If shit goes south, I mean, that's when you saw in L.A. all those people waiting in line to buy guns. What do you think they were worried about? I don't know. They were worried about shit going south. I'm worried about peeing my pants. We're going to end this thing. It's 4.05. I got to piss so bad.

All right, let's get it. I've had two drinks and about five glasses of water. Brian Simpson, you're a bad motherfucker. You're very funny, and I'm real excited. I'm excited to meet you, and I'm excited to see you kicking ass. Hell, yeah. We recorded the Netflix thing this summer, and it's coming out in the fall. In October?

Yeah, in October. And you'll be tonight, well, tomorrow, two late pitches at Vulcan Gas Company, Austin, Texas. Yeah, yeah. Tell everybody your Instagram. My Instagram is bscomedian. I think the next place I'm going to be. So this comes out tomorrow? Yeah.

Okay, so the next place I'm going to be is Kansas City. Where's that? When's that? It's next weekend. The Comedy Club of Kansas City. Dates? What is that? The 15th and the 16th and the 17th of July.

Kansas City. Thank you. It was a lot of fun. Thanks for having me. My pleasure. Let's fucking... Let's pee. All right. Thank you. All right. It was a lot of fun. Yeah, man. Thanks for having me. My pleasure. Yeah. Let's fucking. Let's pee. Bye, everybody.

Yeah. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye.