The Joe Rogan Experience - #1688 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: July 28, 2021

Greg Fitzsimmons is a standup comedian, actor, and writer. He's also the host of "Fitzdog Radio" podcast and co-hosts the "Sunday Papers" with Mike Gibbons, and "Childish" with Alison Rosen podcasts.

The Joe Rogan Experience Both sounds in my ears at the same time. I have like, I think I get a lot of wax built up in my ears and I got fucking tinnitus now. Oh no. Yeah. How'd you get that? I think I went to too many concerts in my life. Went to a lot of loud concerts as a teenager. Lead singer of ACDC, what's his name again? Bar, what's his name?

Brian Johnson. Brian, yeah. He can't hear. His hearing's fucked. He can't perform anymore. Yeah, I think Pete Townsend also. Brian Johnson. He can't hear. His hearing's fucked. He can't perform anymore. Yeah, I think Pete Townsend also. Well, back in, you know, you got to think in the 70s, like no one knew anything.

Right. They didn't know tinnitus. Football players didn't know about CTE. Right. No one knew about anything. Right, right. And those poor guys would just fucking stand right there, bare ears. But, yeah, I mean, I think ACDC still has the world record for the loudest concert. Of course they do.

Yeah. You ever been to an ACDC concert? I went to one in Madison Square Garden one time. It was fucking crazy. I haven't been to a concert concert, like see a band in like an arena in forever. What's the last concert you went to? I'm trying to remember. I've seen like small shows.

Like I saw Gary Clark Jr. out here. Oh, really? Oh, man. Oh, wow. I saw him at his club, Anton's. It was amazing. Wow. It was amazing.

Because we were like right there, like second row. Uh-huh. That was dope. Yeah. But I mean, I don't, you know, it's inspiring to go see musicians though, especially like I don't have any. Do you play an instrument or anything? Yeah, I play guitar and harmonica.

Do you play guitar? Yeah. Really? Yeah. You good? No, I'm just like a chord guy. I don't jam. You just like it for fun?

It was very therapeutic when I first moved to a chord guy. I don't, I don't jam. You just like it for fun. I, it was very therapeutic. When I first moved to LA, I started taking lessons at this place down the street and I just found it was like one of these Zen things that got me out of my head. Just sit there and just play fucking, you know, simple stone songs and,

you know, Tom Petty shit was just simple three chord structures. Yeah. I would imagine it's like a lot of other difficult things where it requires all of your concentration. So it becomes a, like a bit of a meditation, right? Yeah, it really is. And then my son started playing. He started taking lessons when he was like 11. And so I play with him and he jams and I just play the chords and he shreds.

He's really good. Wow. It's weird because he's a lefty in everything he does except for guitar. He plays righty. Huh. So he can really like, so his left hand really moves fast. Huh. Yeah.

We haven't gotten high and played together. That's the next step. He'll be 21 soon. I think when he turns 21. Is that when you're going to get high with him? When he's 21? Yeah, why not? Does he know you get high? Yeah. And you know he gets high? Yeah. And you never decided to do it together? We took an edible before a movie one night, but then we didn't really hang out. He gave me too much. I was just talking to Jamie about this. My tolerance for edibles is very low. Everybody's is. So he gave me like 10 milligrams and I'm like a five milligram guy. And we watched a movie and then afterwards we both just went, all right, good night.

I pictured like the first time I get high with my son would be like kicking back, talking about, you know, son, let me tell you what it's like to produce something from your loins and it turns into something as beautiful as you. And I thought it would be like this existential and it was like, good night. Are you still living in Venice? Yeah. I'd be really weird if I got high in Venice. I was thinking about how many people are camped out in front of my house with tents just waiting for me to go to sleep.

Yeah. Yeah. I have a friend who was in Venice and someone broke into his house and called the cops, and they said there's nothing we could do about it. Dude, it's 45 minutes to get a cop to respond to your house in Venice. It's fucking crazy. They said, did he steal anything? He has to steal something worth more than like $950 or something.

There's like a number attached to it. But if someone just breaks into your house and you come into your house and there's a guy rummaging through your drawers, if he hasn't stolen anything yet, the cops won't even arrest him. So you got to pull out a calculator and find your receipts and just trail them?

If he steals a stereo and it's like, okay, well that's a $2,000 stereo. Now we can bring him in and then immediately release him. No shit. It's a joke. You see what's going on in San Francisco where guys are going in the stores? Just filling garbage bags up with stuff and then just walking right now. Yeah, cops don't do anything security guards I don't love to do anything. Yeah Can you imagine being a security guard and you're getting paid fucking

$12 an hour and you're expected to take on people that They're living on the street and what they're stealing is literally what they're living off of you're gonna you're gonna go toe-to-toe with them they might have a fucking shank on them or something might have hepatitis right they might bite you right yeah dude last night i was walking over to uh kill tony and uh holy shit sixth street is fucking nuts i come around the corner i've already seen somebody smoking crack. I saw two guys rolling joints just out in the open. And then I see these three homeless guys throwing garbage at a cop who's facing them off. And I'm just standing there watching like, all right, this is on its way up.

And so the cop looked scared. And he finally pulled out his taser. And he goes, I'm going to tase you. And then the guy threw a fucking Coke can at his chest. And he goes, you're not going to tase all three of us. And they kept walking at him. And the dude fucking holstered his taser. And he called for backup.

And he waited in the car. The good old days before cell phones, there'd be three bodies right there. Good old days. The old west, man. The way Texas used to be. Well, it's probably still that way if you go to like Waco or some shit. Yeah. Some wild.

Actually, Waco is supposed to be. Waco has apparently been transformed by this one couple that has like a fix-em-up show, one of them home fix-up shows, right? Yeah. Is it true? Because my wife and one of her lady friends was having this discussion. They were saying, Waco is amazing now because of blah, blah, blah. Really?

They've got this thing and they build houses and everybody goes there and it's really super cute. I mean, they've been doing the show long enough. They probably fixed every house in the city but i don't know apparently like they've had a a real impact that's amazing on that area so that's what every urban sprawl needs is just one fix them up show fix them up shows those people love those shows you see a bag house and someone buys it for like you know 80 grand and they come in and start tearing walls down and putting this up and then the end, it's done.

Yay. Yeah. They love those shows. Well, because those shows are time lapsed. You don't see the fucking contract who doesn't show up because his aunt died

for three weeks. Right. And then the tile you wanted is back ordered and so you got to wait another three weeks. I mean, I have avoided rent.

We did one renovation of my house and I was like, that's it. Be happy with what we got, honey, because I'm not going through that shit again. Life's too short. Yeah, they're rough. Renovations are rough.

They take a long time. Yeah. But some people love it. They love doing it. People enjoy flipping houses. They buy a house and they live in chaos for a year and then they sell it and they go do it again. I'm like, what is your life about?

Are you fucking crazy? They like it. It's like that's their little hobby thing. Yeah. That's their little thing. They don't have, you know. Jamie, is the fan on in here? Those are the same people that get divorced every three years.

They're constantly upgrading their life. Is it not, buddy? Yeah. Those are the people that get Botox and divorce every three years. There's a thing about dudes with Botox. I can't. If I see your forehead frozen, I can't talk to you, bro. No.

You and I just don't. We're not going to see eye to eye on stuff. No, I am the. If I see this. Yeah. You're smiling and this shit doesn't move at all. Yeah. Are you worried about lines? Are and this shit doesn't move at all? Yeah. Are you worried about lines?

Are you worried about these? These things right here? What are you worried about? Yeah. Why are you Botoxing your fucking forehead, man? Right. Especially if you're a comedian. I mean, I have laughed.

You look at my face. I've laughed a lot in my fucking life. Yeah. These shit are deep around my eyes. How many male comedians do you know of Botox? I met a famous one recently. I'm not going to say his name, but I was shocked. You know, I could see if you're an actress,

I guess it really is like life or death in terms of your career of getting your eyes touched up. Yeah, it's your whole face. Your face can't have lines if you're an actress. Yeah. It's weird. Like a guy can have that fucking Josh Brolin, like manly, fucking aged,

like a nice leather jacket. Yep. Like it looks better that way. Hell yeah. Yeah, a lot of these guys, they actually look better when they're weathered. Yeah. They look manly. You don't have any lines really. Oh, a lot of these guys, they actually look better when they're weathered. Yeah. You know, they look manly.

You don't have any lines, really. Oh, you got some forehead lines. I got forehead lines. This is my fear factor line because I couldn't wear sunglasses so I was outside every day for fucking six years

squinting. It's literally where it came from. And also looking at guys going like, why are you doing this? What the fuck am I doing with my life? Plus, I was high every show. So, you know, very puzzled. And puzzled by my whole life.

I remember when we were working on the man show together. What year was that? 2003. 2003. That's right, because my daughter was just born. I remember that. She got born like a month before I started working on that. Bro, that was 18 years ago.

Damn. Yeah, my daughter just turned 18. Isn't that nuts? Yeah. Crazy. But I remember you coming from Fear Factor tapings, fucking high, and then we would roll fatties. And then, like, it was midnight before we started, quote unquote, writing the jokes for the monologue. before we started quote unquote writing the jokes for the monologue. And then Doug Stanhope was living in the fucking studios because he was divorced from his quote unquote wife that he'd married in some mystical Indian ceremony in the desert. So they got divorced and he had a clothesline.

He had a clothesline because he used to wash his clothes in the sink and hang them up. He bought a fucking port-a-potty into, I don't know why. There was a bathroom. They had a bucket they were pissing in. Oh, that's right. Remember? Doug is such a nasty bastard. But he loved it.

He was never happier. Well, you know, he loves where he's at now in Bisbee. Yeah. He loves living in that little small, weird, hippie artist community. Yeah. You know, just- I know Morgan Murphy goes out there all the time. She loves it.

She loves it. Yeah. Just being around those weirdos. Yeah. I'm too frustrated out there. Chrysler loved it too. Chrysler went out there? Yeah.

So did Shane Gillis. He went out there too. Wow. He spent like a month out there. No shit. Yeah. Damn. Beginning of COVID.

You know, you're not going to get it there. Right, right. Fucking no you know you're not gonna get it there right no one's going anywhere i just picture there being a great local bar they must there must be some watering holes in a town like that there is but there's also weird shit too like he's got some guy who bought a small piece of land right next to him so he could try to sell it to him and then the guy's just doing like loud construction on it all the time and trying to like muscle him into buying this piece of land mmm yeah it's not good and then he's gonna like have this house if he builds it that faces right into Doug's living room yeah I used to give out his fucking I go Doug there used to give out his address. On the podcast.

I go, Doug, there's a million people listening. Yeah. You're going to have at least 4,000 psychopaths show up at your house. And he would have crowds of people that would make the trek. They'd make the pilgrimage out to Bisbee to watch football games at his house. And he just let them in? Let them in. Wow.

People just wandering out. After a while, he realized it was a terrible idea and he stopped doing it. Yeah. So now he doesn't do it anymore. And is he still with that girlfriend? Bingo. Yeah, yeah. She's great. Yeah, she's a lovely, lovely lady. He's got a good thing going on there. It's his vibe, you know?

Like, he's got his vibe locked in. Doug's never been a big city guy and he's like a he likes to think about shit. He likes to have cocktails and sit around, smoke cigarettes to think about shit he likes to have cocktails and sit around smoke cigarettes and think about stuff and riff and because he doesn't go to open mic nights like his open mic night is kind of like riffing just talking and like now he does a podcast he does that podcast on a regular basis and that's what he does sits there with a cocktail and he just what the is this and he just, what the fuck is this? And he just starts talking about stuff, and that's where he gets a lot of his material.

Yeah. Puts together enough ideas, and then, you know, he writes a lot, too. Yeah, he's a writer. A real writer, yeah. Yeah, he's probably put out as many comedy specials as anybody. Yeah. I mean, he's probably got 20 at this point. Yeah, they're all well thought out, and they all, I mean, his structure of his rants

are really like classic structure. He gives you the idea and then he goes in different directions with it and then he fucking, he sticks the landing

on all of them. You know what he told me? Really great piece of advice. He said, he looks at his own material as if he's like a prosecuting attorney.

Like he's prosecuting his material. Like looking for flaws in it. Right. I mean that's a great idea. I look at it like a hater, which is kind of a similar thing. Yeah. Like how would a hater look at this bit? Like if someone really wanted to like,

because you know how you can get sloppy with a bit? Yeah. Like we've all had bits before where we're like, oh that one wasn't that good. It's like there's, it's too, you know, I've had bits where I was like,, oh, that one wasn't that good. It's like there's – it's too – you know, I've had bits where I was like – Tom calls them dance moves. Like I used to call it English. Too much English on the cue ball spinning around for no reason.

Yeah. It's like a lot of like you're acting up, but it's like you really should just rewrite it. Right. Like you got a good premise there, but maybe you had like one initial approach and you stuck with that initial approach. Yeah. And you never really revised it. Right. Sometimes you just got to like redo a bit, like a teardown of a house.

I feel like that happened with the pandemic as I had a sheet full of new jokes that I was doing. And there is something that's sticky about the first idea you have on a premise. You know, it's like if you did it the first time, there's something in you goes, oh, then that's the way it goes. But with the pandemic, I came back to some of these bits, and I didn't even remember how they went. And then I started doing them a different way. And I was like, oh, no, this is a better way than that. I'm glad I forgot the first version of this bit. Yeah, that is good. Sometimes you can have it, if you forget how to do it, you'll do it better. Yeah. It's great to go back. I have my comedy notebooks forget how to do it you'll do it better yeah yeah it's great to go back i

have my comedy notebooks going back to when we started i mean i have a i have a two giant fucking crates in my office with old comedy notebooks and once in a while i go back and i look at some old shit and i go wow that was a good fucking premise bad joke but i got some good premises in here yeah because in the beginning like you're not good enough to handle a good premise. Right. Did you ever do Owen Smith's show? Do you know Owen Smith had a notebook show? Oh, no shit.

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did it. It was hilarious. I pulled out a notebook from like 91. It was terrible. Wow. Oh, my God. I had written in like ad libs to the audience.

It was so embarrassing. This is my nice shirt page no it's like I'd written in so is that you buddy you know what I'm talking about like that kind of shit like oh it was so awful all right or a note look at one person and go the and explain joke that was the classic thing all the old time comics used to do that they would do a joke and then explain it slowly to one person and it killed every time

what was that one guy there was a guy Mike Modo take my rice please Mike Modo take my rice please I went and I saw Mike Modo and he did like an ad lib. I was sitting in the front row. This was before I'd even done stand-up because I was like thinking about doing it.

And we went to play it against Sam's. You ever played against Sam's? Oh, yeah, yeah. I kind of have. Yeah, I was with my girlfriend. We were sitting in the front row, and he said something about me having an erection. Like he had this ad lib. It wasn't really an ad lib, but he would work the crowd with this thing.

Like, this guy, look at him over here. He's got an erection. I was like, what are you saying? And then I realized, oh, my God, comics lie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, this is crazy. Right, right. So they just find a person, and that becomes the person they lie about.

Yeah, yeah. I was trying to piece it together. You know one of the first comics I ever saw live? Who? Tom Cotter. No shit. Saw Tom Cotter at, what was the Paradise next to Stitches? Stitches, yeah, yeah.

I saw him at the Paradise. It was the contest, the Boston Comedy Riot. The Comedy Riot. Yeah, he was in the Comedy Riot. Wow. Yeah. And I saw him there. Tom Cotter was a fucking rock solid joke writer, performer.

I mean, he was a guy, he was definitely a guy to learn from, you know, early on. He was a guy that like, you know, had a rhythm, had a cadence, you know. And remember he used to do the sack walk? Yes. We would go to parties. Yep. And Tom would pull his sack out and just have his balls only his balls hanging out of his pants Yeah

And just act completely casual and go walking around and talking to people and then you'd be having a conversation with him You just go Why your why your balls out? We used to do it as a contest of who could leave theirs out the longest at these parties and like and and It was uh, and then there was also, do you remember a guy, Mike McDonald? Yeah, sure.

Mike McDonald was fucking great. Me, him, and Rich Seisler used to hang out and we would come up with these crazy bets. And me and Seisler played pool one time and we would shoot

these long fucking tournaments and then we would have these bets. And the bet was there was going to be a party that night at Rita Choice's house. And Shannon was remember shannon she passed away no yeah she just passed away what yeah anyway so we we go to there she's not old no she was you know 53 years old or something why am i forgetting her name? I think she had a brain thing. It's a freaky, freaky thing.

So the bet was, it was a party at Rita and Shannon's place. And whoever lost was not allowed to talk at the party. And you could not explain why you were not talking. You couldn't mime it. You couldn't write it down. You had to just stand there and not talk. Oh, no.

So I fucking whooped his ass. Oh, no. And then we went there, and then he just kept standing there smiling. And people were like, hey, what's up, Rich? And he would just nod. And they'd go, what's going on? And he would just nod. And you had to stay for at least half an hour.

And we're standing there doing that. Cotter's got his ball sack out. Mike McDonald was a funny guy. He's a really funny guy. Good writer. He had a good cadence, too. Real good cadence. Yeah, and he had a local cable access show way before people were doing stand-up comics.

Before evening at the Improv and all those strip shows that they were doing with stand-up comics. He had one that, I think it was called Mike's Playhouse or Treehouse or something. I remember that. And he would do a monologue every week.

It was on like WGBH, the local cable access show. He would do a monologue. He would have on like Don Gavin or Steve Sweeney. They would do their five minutes and then he would do like a sketch. It was fucking great.

Wow. He's one of those guys that if he had left Boston, he could have done big things, I think. There's a lot of those guys. Yeah. A lot of those guys, they just got locked in. I think Gavin could have been one of the greatest comics of all time. Of all time. Of all time.

Yeah. When we saw him, and we were both 21, and we were at Stitches, I remember there's many times that I saw him. I'm like, why am I doing comedy? Why don't I just quit? I'll never be that good. That guy's so good. And so good that – Throwaway lines.

Throwaway lines and a guy who you can't not start sounding like if you watch him too much. Just like David Tell in New York. Right, right, right. It's like so many people started sounding like Don Gavin. You know, Wendy Liebman, Tom Cotter. A lot of people had that throwaway style. You couldn't not look at it and go, oh, this is the way you have to do stand-up comedy. It was so dominant in that way.

That was one of the more interesting things is like watching guys reclaim the stage because you'd have specific styles that were so effective. It was hard for the audience to get out of that person's head into another person's head yeah you know like Sweeney was a great example yeah because Sweeney was he's like oh man one of the most he was one of the most hilarious comedians but also one of the most local yeah it was almost like he had a magic trick that wouldn't work when you went to New Hampshire like as soon as you went to Connecticut, it would drop off like 50%. If you went to New York, it was ineffective. If you came to LA, it was nothing.

It just didn't work. Those Boston jokes. Jokes about being in Boston. But if he was in Saugus, Jesus Christ, the fucking walls would be rattling. Forget it. You'd see the chandeliers shaking. He was a monster. Yeah.

That's why when the guy came out, the guy from The Tonight Show came out, he'd heard this when Johnny was starting to have comics blow up and he'd heard about all these guys. It was probably in the early 80s. The Ding Ho days, right? The Ding Ho. Exactly. Yeah. And the guy who was, God, I'm forgetting the guy's name, he used to run the Tonight Show

but he said, alright, I gotta go see these guys so he flies back to Boston he was actually from Boston, so he came home and he went to the Ding Ho and these killers show up, and they're all in the back and they're doing lines and they're fucking drinking Jack and they go up one after the other and they're doing jokes about, yeah

so you go to Revere and the accent's like, and the guy's sitting there going like, oh, Jim McCauley was his name. And he goes, how the fuck am I going to put these guys on The Tonight Show? And then up walks Stephen Wright, who was like the redheaded stepchild in the Boston comedy scene because he was not aggressive. He was not like killing the way these guys would kill. But he went up and he was doing his deadpan Stephen Wright. And Jim McCauley lit up and he goes, what are you doing next week?

Flies him out. He does the Tonight Show. Annihilates. Johnny's head is on the desk and he's pounding it with his fist. And he invited him back the next week to do another spot. And in that first year,

he did like six Tonight Shows and he became legendary yeah you know got the hbo and all these guys are back and i was going fucking that kid i told fucking sweeney told him to stop doing stand-up he goes pal you're a friend i gotta do you a favor and just tell you it's not gonna work out guy yeah wow that's all documented in that When Stand Up Stood Out film. Right. Fran Salamita's movie. Fran Salamita's movie, yeah.

Which is a great movie. A great movie for comics to watch. I mean, even from any place to see. I think it's on Netflix, yeah. Is it? Yeah. It's a great movie for comics to see what happens to a community when it gets sort of co-opted to. Because it got co-opted by the idea of success

like they all got kind of like weird with each other right it's like when stephen wright made it a lot of guys like when's my turn right like what the fuck yeah you know that's a thing with like certain comics when another comic blows up like you see the fucking resentment yeah you see the weirdness you you know? Right. Well, with some, and with others, there's like real excitement

that the brand of Boston is going big. You know, there's definitely like, I mean, I think in our class of guys that came up, I felt,

I felt nothing but support. I don't remember there being. We had a good class. Yeah, we did. We had, you know, Mike McCarthy.

Mike McCarthy, the comedy barbarian. He's doing it. Where's he at? I just saw his picture We had a good class. Yeah, we did. We had Mike McCarthy. Mike McCarthy, the comedy barbarian. He's doing it. Where's he at? I just saw his picture. He's in Boston. He is? Yeah, I just saw his picture on an ad for one of the Boston clubs. I think Laugh Boston, maybe.

Wow. Yeah. Laugh Boston. That's a good spot. It is a good spot. What's the scene like now? What else they got? Well, Laugh Boston's the heart of it.

John Tobin's got rooms in Boston he's got one in Worcester Springfield I think he I think he does the comedy tent

down there in the Cape so it's strong there's good strong local comics there's a lot of guys that uh

oh I'm forgetting this one guy there's guys that are really fucking killers like the new generation of killers that are there. That's good to hear. And, you know, guys like Robbie Prince that are still there, and, you know, they're the big new guys. Not the new guys.

They're the legends now. Right. They're the ones that the young guys are looking up to. Is Robbie in Boston, or is he living in New Hampshire? Wasn't he living in New Hampshire for a while? Oh, is he? Yeah. I think so.

Yeah, that's good to hear, though, that there's a new up-and-coming crop. Oh, yeah. You know? Yeah. Because there was a pause for a while where there wasn't a lot of guys coming. There was like Burr and Patrice and a few other guys, and then there was a bit of a lull where people weren't coming out of there. Yeah, yeah. I think it really dried up, and then Tobin opened up that club,

and it kind of brought things back again. Hmm. Wow, that's good to hear. Yeah, and then social media. I think it just allowed comics to make a name for themselves in Boston. You know, Spaceman's one guy who I follow

who's really funny. I'm so fucking bad with names now. There's too many names in your head. Yeah. Dunbar's number. You know that, right? What's that? 150 people.

Keep 150 people in your head. Oh, that's the Rolodex? Yeah. It goes back to when we lived in tribes. Yeah. You have room in your head for intimate friendships or relationships with 150 people. Okay. Yeah.

Wow. It's controversial. Some people think you can get people. Okay. Yeah. Wow. It's controversial. Some people think you can get up to 200. Yeah. But there's a number where it just, you blur out. And you and I have way past those numbers. Yeah. Our fucking heads are clogged up.

I mean, we know 200 plus comedians, easy. And then regular people that you know. Yeah. And you have to remember that when you expect people to remember you. Yeah. It's very, I really go out of my way to never walk up to somebody and go like, hey man,

you don't remember me? I'm always like, hey man, Greg Fitzsimmons, we met, yeah, and then they go, yeah, yeah, I know, I know, I just want to make sure. I don't want to be that guy. Because that is the worst fucking feeling when you don't remember somebody. Some people get upset. Yeah, they get upset and they have no right to be upset because you don't know.

This world is fucked up because there's people like you that have photographic memories. I mean, your recall of facts and scientific terms and shit like that is uncanny. And that's not fair to people like me who have just sieves. Everything goes right through my fucking head. And you know what? I'm smart too, Joe. I believe it. But I don't remember shit. I remember things that I care about. I don right through my fucking head. And you know what? I'm smart too, Joe. I believe it. But I don't remember shit.

I remember things that I care about. I don't remember everything. Yeah. But things that are important to me, I remember. Yeah. Like important facts and information. But there's a lot of shit that slips through too. Yeah.

I'm just, I'm worried that as I get older, I'm going to get dumber. Uh-huh. You know, I'm not sure if that's happening, but I'm always paranoid. I'm always paranoid that I'm going to get dumber. I'm not sure if that's happening, but I'm always paranoid. I'm always paranoid that I'm going to get dumber. I have moments where I feel like, oh, everything's firing great. And then I have other days. It's completely dependent upon sleep. Sleep is huge. God damn it. If I sleep three or four hours and then I go out and I do stuff, I'm 50 IQ points lighter. I'm a dingbat. I can't remember shit. Yeah, they say diet is really important too.

Like there's certain things that are great for your brain, like avocados are great for your brain. Oils. Yeah, oils, salmon. Essential fatty acids. Right. Yeah, a lot of stuff is brain food. Right.

Yeah, fats. Your brain works on ketones too. Where do you get ketones from? You can get them, exogenous ketones. But ketones are essentially when your body's burning fat. That's what a ketogenic diet is. A lot of people feel like they have better cognitive response. Like their brain works better when they're on a ketogenic diet.

Have you ever done that? Keto? Yeah. Yeah. It's annoying. I did it for two weeks and I was like, I can't do this anymore. Well, you can't do it if you go on the road. You can, but it's annoying i did it for two weeks and i was like i can't do this well you can't do it if you go on the road you can but it's annoying yeah it's just like you know i like other stuff right that's the problem i like food yeah you know if you that's like one of the things i

enjoy yeah like and so now all i'm eating is like fats yeah just here just fucking i have a friend who was uh he was drinking half and half or like cream, like heavy cream. Uh-huh. Like he sat here on the podcast, my friend Kyle. Really? Kyle Kingsbury. Yeah, he had a fucking, a pint of heavy cream he brought on the podcast.

Jesus. And I'm like, what are you doing? You drink that? And he's like, yeah, it's a good source of fats. Damn. A ketogenic diet. I'm like, what? Wow.

He's chugging down heavy fucking cream. And then you just fart and shit all day. I got into drinking ketones for a while. I was taking exogenous ketones. I'd have them shipped to me and you have to refrigerate them in these little containers. You open it up and it

tastes like Satan's ball sweat. Like you're downing this stuff right but it's good for the brain it's actually yeah the other thing that's good for the brain is like crosswords and like oh yeah yeah like every day i do i do uh sudoku on my computer speed sudoku i do as fast as i can like i can i've i did one in a minute and 40 seconds one time. Whoa. And that's how I get my blood. Before I do anything in the morning, I just rip through 15 minutes of those.

It makes sense that your brain is basically like everything else. If you use it, it gets better. Right. Or at least you maintain it. Yeah. And if you don't, it atrophies. Like everything else. And trying new things is really important.

Learning a new language. During the pandemic, I went back and I started learning French again. Because I studied it in high school and college. And, you know, I'm low functioning. And so I was like, fuck it. I'm not going to learn a new language. Let me go back with like an adult brain and try to tackle French. Dude, I don't remember shit.

Like this stuff does not stick with me the way it used to. It's hard. But you got to do it. Do you ever take any nootropics? No. Nutrients for the brain? No? Oh, no, that's not true.

Well, I take, you recommend it, and I take it every day is these mushrooms. What are they called? Lion's mane? Yeah, lion's mane. Yeah, lion's mane, good for the brain. Take it every day. Yeah, that stuff's good. It's got some neuro-regenerative properties.

Another one that's good is that gum that we have over there, that Neuro Gum. I like that stuff. That's what I was chewing when I got in here. The good thing about that is it's real easy. You just pop a couple of sticks of gum. It actually tastes good, freshens your breath a little bit, and it's got theanine in it and a little bit of caffeine and a couple other nootropics in it. Yeah.

Yeah. We have some new shit. I'll give you a jug of our new AlphaBrain. We got a new AlphaBrain black label. Oh, yeah? It's fucking potent. It's good shit. I like that a lot.

Nice. Yeah, that's something that I take before every UFC. Because UFC is big for memory, and I have to remember fights from fucking decades ago I have to remember positions and moves right and then when it gets to weird scrambles I have to be able to explain things like what's in jeopardy while dudes are strangling each other and like what's the right arm he's got to get the right arm through there grab this and I you know sometimes I haven't been in that position in like a long time. And I have to go, okay, how does that work?

Like which arm does he have to cinch it up with? I actually think about that sometimes when I see you call in a match. It's like how the fuck do you stay sharp when you're not doing it every week? Because, you know, you've got guys that call baseball games or even football games or once a week. They're regularly fucking juicing their mind with these facts. Well, the thing is I watch it every day. Okay.

When I go to the gym, like I'm working out in my house, I either watch John Wick or I watch fights. Oh, no shit. Really? I either watch Keanu Reeves kill a bunch of people or I watch fights. There's something about like, even like if it's just out in the background. Yeah. there's something about like even like it's just on in the background yeah you know just like the the but watching fights is big because uh i'll watch different scenarios and it's a lot of it it's pattern recognition like you see certain things that people are doing you see how the other

person's responding to it yeah you know you see things that work and don't work right and then martial arts is so weird because like, especially mixed martial arts because there's so many different styles that are involved. Yeah. It's like one style will work on one person

but it'll be completely ineffective on another person. Yeah. It's weird. But you see it like a chess match. Like I see you call a fight before it fucking happens.

You'll be like, he's gonna get a, he's got the arm, I don't know the moves but like you can tell when a guy is about to line up a move on somebody else. Yeah, you see how, but that is a specific thing that I don't think you can do. I don't think you can call jujitsu unless you do jujitsu.

It's too complex. It's like I don't play chess, and I know how the pieces move, but I don't play it. Yeah. So I can't, like if I see someone moving, I go, where are they going with that? Oh, I didn't see that. So it's the same thing with jujitsu. You have to know the actual sport, I think. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's something that could prove me wrong, but I've never seen a commentator that can call jujitsu that doesn't practice jujitsu. Striking is a little different. There's some good boxing commentators that can call jiu-jitsu that doesn't practice jiu-jitsu. Striking is a little different.

There's some good boxing commentators that don't box, but you basically have two weapons, two weapons that work in different ways, but it's a left and a right. So you have different variations. Some guys have stutter moves, and some guys have a pity pat style, and some guys just throw bombs. There's all sorts of different ways to use those two weapons, but you have a left hand and a right hand and that's it Yeah, but with jiu-jitsu you got leg locks and arm bars and shoulder locks and spine locks and twisters and fucking knee bars and Footholds and yeah, it's a tangle of limbs when I go to the ground, you know And still there's a lot of shit

that I don't my leg lock game is pretty weak so when I see guys on the ground they're going after the legs that's one that I have to really think hard about what's in danger and what's not in danger because you can't put yourself in their position

I kind of can but not like I can with upper body techniques because the leg lock game kind of came around, really got really strong in the 2013, 14, 15, like around then up until 21. When I really stopped rolling every day was around that time. So that's like right around when the leg lock game became big in competition jujitsu.

Right, right. That's super complex. Like you see guys like attacking and counterattacking, going back and forth and scrambling. You're like, Jesus, and trying to call those. Yeah. That's where there's like next level commentary. Like, you know, you watch like jiu-jitsu commentators. They're completely next level than me when it

comes to that. Yeah. That's interesting about not having... I was trying to think of a commentator that wasn't an athlete, and that guy, Joe Buck, his father was a big sports commentator growing up, and he never played... As far as I know, I don't think he played sports, but he grew up watching them and watching his father call them, and he's the best in the business. What does he commentate on? He does everything. Football. I'm sure he does baseball.

What else does Joe Buck do? He's the guy. He's supposed to have a talk show career, but he got derailed by Artie Lang. a talk show career but he got derailed by Artie Lang. HBO gave him his own talk show and Artie came on

in the first episode and just fucking co-opted the show. What did he do? He just shit on Joe Buck on his own show and Joe couldn't handle it. Oh, that's right.

Yeah. I remember that. And the show got canceled like a week later. That was heroin using Artie Lang. Yeah. Artie was wild. Yeah, that was Artie Lang. Yeah. Artie was wild.

Yeah, that was Artie showing up with no shoelaces and his high tops and a jean jacket that was Miss Button. And if he didn't have respect for you, he's just going to fucking steamroll you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Has anybody heard from him? Yeah, I think he's doing good. I checked on him a couple weeks ago. He's not doing any stand-up.

I don't think he's doing stand-up. No, if you want to talk to Artie, you got to call another guy because who's the guy um i forget the guy's name but he's trying to weed out people that'll be a bad influence wow and i get through because i'm uh sober you know or i'm not i don't drink anyway i um did a podcast with arty in new york i used the legion of skinks uh podcast studio in New York. It was fucking amazing. It was one of the best podcasts I've ever done. Really?

He was completely sober. His stories were amazing. There's nobody better at telling stories. He's so funny. He's incredible. He's got little hand gestures he does when he's telling the stories. He's just riveted. Yeah.

He's got a great, gives you a fucking great laugh. Yeah. Generous laugher. Oh, such a good guy. He's the best. Yeah. I wrote on Crashing for a couple seasons, and he was on it. And he was just like, he would show up on set, and he would think, all right, this guy's a fucking mess.

His hair is, he looked like fucking Jim from Taxi. He'd show his hair all over the place late. But, man, he fucking knew his lines. And then, you know, they would always ask for improv. That was kind of like the way we shot the show. It was like, alright, let's get what's in the script and then after we get that then we'll let the actress play with it.

And he would always take it to another level. He was just like, just fucking, just great comedic mind. Did you ever do Kirby Enthusiasm? No. I would love to be a fly on the wall of that show. Because apparently what Larry David does is like there's a direct, this is where we have to get to. We have to get to, for instance, the air conditioning's broken.

It's hot in here. Yeah. We got to call the guy that fixes the air conditioning. I don't want to call him. You call him. Yeah. That's the thing. And then they work it through.

Yep. conditioning. I don't want to call him. You call him. That's the thing. And then they work it through. And so he's got a rough framework, but he just, and so it seems so real when he's doing it. And it's in the casting. He brings people in like, you know, Richard Lewis. Who would have thought Richard Lewis, but like, he's perfect. Perfect. perfect perfect he's just so in he's so like has captured his own voice and his relationship with Larry is so perfect and uh what's what's the name of the guy who died Dave Dave Osborne oh Super Dave Super Dave was fucking yeah he was great he was great you know what's great that I don't know what happened to him was Crazy Eyes Killer Who's that?

You ever saw that episode? It was one of the best episodes ever Like a tear inducing can't breathe episode Where there was this rapper His name was Crazy Eyes Killer Do you remember that episode? What happened to that guy? He was just an actor I think

God damn he's good He was so good And J.B. Smo an actor, I think. Was he? God damn, he's good. Yeah. He was so good. And J.B. Smoove. Oh my god, J.B. Smoove. I mean, I think that little run he did about, you gotta... Yeah, his. Crazy I killed her. He was a rapper, and

Larry and him had some unusual relationship. Uh-huh. Season three. But that was 2002, maybe? Was it? God damn. It won an award like 1999 for besthuh. Season three. But that was 2002 maybe? Was it? Yeah. God damn. It won an award

like 1999 for best God damn. Are they still doing Caribbean 3000? Yeah, they just announced that Richard Lewis wasn't going to be available

but he now is so they're starting to film soon or something. That's the thing when you have as much money as Larry David is you can just do whatever you want to do

like creatively. Doesn't he still drive a fucking Prius too? Drives a Prius. He moved to that little BMW, you know those tiny BMWs. Oh, the little electric ones? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's driving one of those now. But I see him sometimes. I play in these golf tournaments in

LA. Then he comes out. He fucking loves to play golf. Drives his car. He's the kind of guy, if you bump into him at an airport and people talk to him, he's like in it, connects, talks to people. What I like about the show is he doesn't hide that he's a billionaire.

It's a sitcom. Usually sitcoms, the whole mandate from the network is you gotta be broke, you gotta be struggling to follow your dream, you gotta be blue collar, otherwise people aren't gonna connect. How about this? How about we give you a billionaire who's famous, who doesn't need anything, who doesn't need any of his needs met. And then, and then you, uh, and then you just see what, what would happen if you're just neurotic for no reason. Uh, just fucking great. And

you see that, like, I think it was very vindicating that you realize looking back that Seinfeld was all him. It was a lot of him. I shouldn't say all him. It was obviously Seinfeld a lot, too. But, like, yeah. Well, yeah, he's just got this absurd sense of humor. Yeah. Yeah.

Jesus. But J.B. Smoove's speech about, you got to get in that ass, Larry. You got to get in that ass. I mean, that's probably the most famous scene from the history of that show. You ever had him on, JB? No! Last time I ran into him was at the UPS store. I have a great JB Smooth

story, but unfortunately I told it many times. We were late going to a gig. Both of us got lost. Some weird gig in New Jersey. And I was supposed to headline, he was supposed to open, but he was really late. And I sat in the green room and I watched this horrible documentary about the Malibu fires.

All these people crying. This kid's calling out for her dog. It was awful. Awful. Just cinders of burning buildings and shit. And then they came in and said, look, JB's not here, so we're just going to open up with you. And I went on stage and just ate shit. Ate shit.

So sad. I went on stage sad, watching people calling out for their dog. Rusty, where are you, Rusty? It was so awful. And I recognized that. I mean, I didn't know any better. You should have stopped 10 minutes into your set and gone, it's Rusty. Dude, I was so green.

I was like three years into comedy. Yeah. I was terrible. Yeah. And I couldn't, there was no chance, like if things went bad, they just went bad. Yeah. There's no pulling out. Right.

There's no like, we almost hit the mountain. No, I'm going right into that fucking mountain and I'm going to die a fiery death. Yeah, yeah. Those days were rough, man. Dude, I did a college show when I was not that far in and it was uh no I guess I'd been doing it for a while but it was the day of the Columbine shooting and I was in a hotel in Ohio doing some fucking small school and I'm sitting there on the edge of my bed like my bag is half unpacked and I'm sitting

on the edge of the bed watching CNN going this is fucking brutal and I'm and I'm waiting for a phone call about canceling the show like there's no way we're doing this fucking show this is at a school where you know and they go now we're gonna do the show and so I get there and I'm like all right this is fucking crazy and and they had about you know 15 people showed up and then the student activities director goes up on stage before me and she goes, before we start the show, I think we all are aware of what happened today. And I thought we should have a moment of silence for all the students that died in Columbine. And everybody puts their heads down.

People are fucking crying. And now here's Greg Fitzsimmons. And, you know, those college shows, man, if you don't do your 60 minutes, they don't give you the check. And I just went up there and I just remember, oh, it was nothing. There was no doing an act. I just started talking out my act and just watching that clock tick on that back wall minute by minute. Waiting to get that fucking $1,200. Was it one of them that you had to send the check in

and then they sent you a check back? Oh, yeah. Like an agency? Yeah, it goes to the agency first. Yeah. And you have to wait. Yeah. And hopefully they pay you.

Yep. Yep. And then I had an agent in Chicago, Bass Shuler. It's now, yeah, Bass Shuler is the agency. And they got a letter sent to them one time. I did a high school prom show in Iowa. And it was. Oh, Jesus.

Well, I was doing a bunch of colleges. And then they called me up and they go, well, there's a high school prom. You got a night off on Tuesday and there's a high school prom that's on your route. Do you want to do it? And I was like, the fuck do I care? Yeah, I'll do a high school prom show. it and I was like the fuck do I care yeah I'll do a high school prom so I show up and it's like in in one of these like corn-fed midwestern small towns where like they all went to church on a bus before the prom started and so and now I just show up and they you know they're all on the dance

floor and they stop it and they go all right now we're gonna have a comedian and I go up and it was like what was the movie where they weren't allowed to dance? And then all of a sudden like they're dancing. Footloose. It was like Footloose with comedy. I get up there and they fucking loved it. But I was dirt. They told me to be clean, but you know,

I was relatively clean, I thought. And so I do the show and then I get a letter sent to me, sent to my agent, to Scott Bass. And it was from the principal, Dr. Dave Nixon. And he said that I had corrupted the values of the town. Because I talked about doing cocaine and I invited them to my motel for a keg after the show. And I talked about having sex with my grandmother, which were all taken out of context.

Right. It was all, they were jokes. So you were probably like 23? Yeah. And they were like 1920s. So they were basically your peers. Yes, yes. And so then I, so I get the letter

and I start reading it on stage. And I ended up doing a Comedy Central special where I read the letter on stage and I sent a videotape of it to the guy at the school. It was Emmitsburg Senior High School in Emmitsburg, Iowa. Well, you wrote a book, Letter to Mrs. Fitzsimmons. Yes. That was in it. I put that letter in the book.

Greg wrote a whole book on letters that his mom got from him being an asshole arrest receipts from the police station letters from principals bad behavior reports and then it went through

and the beauty of it is the letter ends with my asshole kids getting letters sent home and so the last chapter of the book is me printing letters i'd gotten about them and they would like mirror the exact shit that i was doing when i was a kid i remember there was a story um i'd heard secondhand from a gig that you did in new hampshire where it was one of those gigs they told you don't drive at night because there's so many moose on the road that you might die And you fucking they said this is a clean show you can't swear like the first word out of your mouth is fuck Yeah, and they sent you home immediately. Yep, and you had a drive home of this fucking moose moose

There's like a real chance that you could die. And the worst part is Mike McDonald, that comedian, set me up at the gig. And it was called the Balsam's Hotel. And it's this famous, it's like The Shining. It's one of those old, beautiful hotels. And I'm a big golfer. And they have a golf course that's world class. And like gourmet dinner, big room, the whole thing.

And I got my fucking golf clubs I've already unpacked. When I got off stage, they said, don't use the F word. So I walked on and I go, so they said, I can't say fuck. At that point, they sent somebody to my room, packed my shit and had it waiting for me when I got off stage. And they're like, you're done. How many days are you supposed to be there? Just overnight. But then I was supposed to play golf the next day they set me up with the day and Mike McDonald was so fucking pissed me he's like man I

put my neck out for you you do this to me you ever have to fight for not getting paid on a gig uh well there was one time where I didn't get all the money and the guy, it was a mob run room in New Haven, Connecticut. Oh, I remember that. Remember that room? Jokers Wild.

Yeah, yeah. And he goes, hey, you're lucky you're getting anything. Yeah. And I was like, Jesus Christ. That guy, the guy who ran it,

John, I saw him beat a guy with his shoe. He pulled his shoe off and the wooden heel of his shoe, like a dress shoe, was beating the guy in the face like fucking Joe Pesci from Goodfellas, beating him in the face with his shoe. Really?

Blood everywhere. I mean, a shoe, like the bottom of a shoe, you could fuck somebody up with it. Damn. And apparently he knew this because it wasn't like the first time he beat somebody with a shoe, I don't think. Wow. So he had his shoe off in his hand, and he's beating this time he beat somebody with a shoe, I don't think. Wow. So he had his shoe off in his hand, and he's beating this guy in the face with his shoe and blood splattered. He had blood splattered all over his shirt.

Wow. He was a dangerous guy. Dude, but you know who went after him? He started saying shit about Bill Blumenreich. You know Bill Blumenreich in Boston? Of course I know Bill. Bill's a good friend. I love Bill.

And Bill went down there and straightened him out. Bill's the wrong guy to fuck with. He brought a baseball bat down to fucking straighten this guy out because he said shit about Bill's family or something. Yeah, Bill's not to be fucked with. No. No. He's a big guy, too.

He's a big fucking tough guy. He's a really great guy until he's not. Yeah. Right. He's a great guy. Yeah. Until you fuck with him. Uh with him. And then the switch turns and you see the darkness behind his

eyes. Wasn't he a stockbroker? Yeah. Those guys were all psychos. And then he started the Faneuil Hall Comedy Connection. And runs the Wiltern now. Or the Wilbur. The Wilbur Theater. And he has another theater there too, apparently. He might be the one that does the comedy tent

in Cape Cod. I can't remember if it's him or John Tobin. I love Bill. I've been working for Bill for, what, fucking 30 years or some shit? Yeah. Whenever I'm back in town. When I do the garden, I'm doing it with him. No shit. Yeah, I do everything with him.

Wow. If I'm in Boston, I love that guy. Yeah. He's awesome. Takes good care of you. He's just fucking great. He's a great guy. Mm-hmm.

I remember one time we were in Aspen. He showed up at the Aspen Comedy Festival with a full length all the way down to the four mink coat Like this fucking I've never seen a grown man with a mink coat. He was it's wonderful Look out feel it put it on how warm it is. I put on I was like, oh, this is so warm. I Just never seen a grown man with a full length mink coat like fucking Morris Day from the time does the coat come with four runaways four runaways you're pimping oh just four runaway teenage girls no it was like a brown mink coat and And I remember seeing him. You know, Bill's a big guy anyway. He's walking down the street in the snow out and he's got this giant mink coat.

That's great. I wonder if Aspen is too politically correct to wear fur anymore. I would doubt it. There's so many rich people there. Yeah. They must make an exception. Maybe. It's a weird thing, right like the the fur thing like because it is a kind of a fucked up thing

that you just kill animals just for their fur yeah but on the other hand people have been doing that to stay warm forever and then it just became a thing. You know what it was? I think when people started seeing videos of how animals were treated. Some people don't even like when you have fake fur. I've had people give me shit for, I had a hoodie that had fake fur around the edge. And this girl came up to me and she goes, I don't like your fur. I go, it's fake.

She goes, well, I don't like what it represents. I was like, fake animals? Like, what the fuck are you talking about? Feel it. It's just synthetic. Right. She didn't like the fur. She was looking for something to be mad at.

But like the synthetic, like it's a weird thing, like synthetic fur. Because it represented that. Yeah. Represents, it's like if you have like fake shrunken heads in your house. You know? have like fake shrunken heads in your house my dad when my dad started making some money because my parents grew up broke in the Bronx and then my dad made some money in radio and then he bought my mom a fur coat and it was like a full-length fucking I can't remember what kind of fur it was but she worked at the New York Times she was a secretary at the New York Times. She was a secretary at the New York Times. And so she used to walk from Grand Central.

She'd take the train into Grand Central Station, and she would walk into Times Square. And this is in the fucking 80s. She would walk with a mink coat through the fucking. You talk about 6th Street in Austin. It was like sketchy. And a mink coat is thousands of dollars. I know.

And somehow she never got fucking, she had attitude. She walked right through there every fucking day. What's weird about fur is that leather is everywhere. Yeah. Which is fur without the hair. Right. Like people are cool with fur as long as it doesn't have the hair. Well, because I think it's a byproduct of an animal you're killing for the meat.

Whereas with the mink, you're not eating the meat. Right. I guess. Are we sure? Not at all. I'm talking out of my ass. I mean, when we think about leather, I would imagine that if you're working for some— I mean, if you're making sustainable leather,

you would use it from a cow that they're butchering for food. But is there specific cows they make they just take leather off of? That would be horrible. Yeah, or do they have to be younger? Is the older animal not good leather? Well, I know Spanish bull leather, like Spanish bull leather is something that people like for briefcases and shit. Yeah.

It's like a thing. Ostrich leather? Ostrich. They're cunts. Yeah. Those fucking rotten birds. Really? Oh, leather. Ostrich. They're cunts. Yeah. Those fucking rotten birds. Really? Oh, they're mean.

Birds are fucking mean, man. Yeah. Birds don't have, like, if you have a dog, like dogs are furry. People have connections with dogs. We love dogs. They love your back. Everybody loves dogs. You had a dog skin jacket.

People would beat the fuck out of you. Yeah. But an ostrich, people are like, yeah, good. Fuck that cunty bird. Yeah, or an alligator. Fuck yeah. Oh, fuck out of you. Yeah. But an ostrich, people are like, yeah, good. Fuck that punty bird. Yeah, or an alligator. Fuck yeah. Oh, fuck yeah. Alligator shoes.

Oh, my God. I love killing alligators. Yeah. I mean, I've never killed one, but I mean, I love buying alligators. I have a crocodile belt on right now. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I fucking, most belts and stuff, I try to buy my pool cue case.

It's made out of alligator. I buy leather that's made out of alligators. I hate hate those fucking things i think they're disgusting there's too many of them it's amazing they're still alive isn't it so many of them when you see one how fucking ancient they look yeah they're dinosaurs they're legit dinosaurs right yeah and they're all over the place we were talking the other day about uh disneyland in florida that over the last few years they've pulled hundreds of alligators out of Disney World. Well, dude, that girl got eaten. Yeah, a little kid.

Yeah. Yeah. Imagine, you're a two-year-old. You remember what it was like when your kids were two? Yeah. Like you love them so much. You're so protective of them. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. They're so vulnerable. And I think seeing them getting killed by an alligator. Yeah. There's a fucking lawsuit. Oh, God. I'm sure. But they probably just paid them off.

I mean, Disneyland's just printing money. Or Disney World. Yeah. Disneyland's been shut down for a fucking year. Is that the one in California? Yeah. They're open again now, but they were trying to sue to try to get open again. The strictest laws in California

when it came to COVID, but it didn't have an impact on like the number of cases. It didn't have the impact on the number of deaths. Yeah. Like in comparison to Florida where they just went buck wild and wide open. Right. It's like Florida did better

with their fucking cunty alligators wandering around. Now they got, the Everglades are filled with fucking anacondas. Pythons. Oh, pythons, yeah. They killed all the mammals. They did this study on mammals in the Everglades. They used to have raccoons and marsh hares and all these different deer.

Nothing. Wow. Nothing. Everything's gone. It's all pythons. It's pythons and alligators. It's so bad now that pythons are eating alligators. Oh, I saw a video of that.

It's crazy. There's a photo, a famous photo. Look at this. Florida Python Challenge gets underway with a new $10,000 prize. Yeah, they're trying to. What they really should do is, first of all, California, which is so fucking dumb, you can't buy Python goods. Why?

Because they're assholes. They've just decided that's an exotic and we don't want it. It's just political. It's completely, it's all about optics. Right. Like the idea that you're going to have these exotics. Like why is it okay to have like lamb skin or sheep skin? Why is that okay? Why is it okay to have U like, lambskin or sheepskin? Why is that okay?

Why is it okay to have Uggs with sheepskin inside of them? That's okay. It's okay to have a leather jacket. It's not okay to have a cunty python. Yeah. Like, what the fuck? That's crazy. It doesn't make any sense.

Yeah. There's no logic to it at all. You can't have pythons. And meanwhile, what they should do is make it available everywhere and make it so that it's commercially fishable or huntable. You can go out there and collect these fucking pythons if it's very valuable. They'll at least be able to put a dent. The problem is it's all swamps, so they can't even find them. They're never going to put a dent.

That shit is – that ship is sailed. Look at this. 185-pound Burmese python captured in Naples. Might be the heaviest in Florida history. How big? I think it might have been 16 feet. Damn. They also got a, this was a female, they got a male that was 140 with it.

I saw one, there's one somewhere that, how big do those fucking things get? Like, what's the biggest python? I was looking at something on the internet, and I was like, is is this real because it was said they found a 30-foot python and it was eating dogs oh yeah they get that big well it ate a fucking alligator alligator according to this longest in florida uh 18.9 feet what about longest in like like, I think this was in Indonesia. South Pacific, somewhere in Asia. It's all pets. 185 pounds is big enough

to eat a 150 pound mega. Oh yeah. Yeah, this while you're whole. Yeah. The other thing they have in Florida that's everywhere is iguanas. Everywhere. I went down a YouTube rabbit hole the other day where people hunt and cook iguanas in their backyard.

Wow. Yeah, because people who live on canals, they live near canals, they get like a bow fishing setup, and they're out there shooting and killing iguanas, and they turn them into chicken wings. Wow. Yeah, they whack their legs off, and they fry them. They fry them up, and they batter batter them and they make like these. It looks delicious. Like these Asian dishes.

This might be the one. That's it. That's the one. So 33 feet. 33 feet. Holy shit. That's exactly the one. Where was that?

It says it was, excuse me, in Brazil. Brazil. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Damn. Oh my God. Oh my God. Look at the size of that thing.

Holy shit. All right, you can't fake at the size of that thing. Holy shit. All right, you can't fake that. What is that thing? Eat. Dogs. That's what they were saying. Giant snake found in Brazil. 10 meters.

Wow. Oh, my God. Look how fat that thing is. That is so crazy that that's a real creature that lives alongside us. Imagine if you're just fucking hiking and you see a 30 foot snake staring you down. I mean, that is so big. Wait, that's an anaconda. Is a python an anaconda the same thing? No, different. 33 foot anaconda. Well, that was that fucking movie with Jennifer Lopez.

Remember? Anaconda, where they were even bigger? Because they think that there used to be giant anacondas in the Amazon that were even bigger than that. Like, what is the biggest? Like, the myth of the giant anaconda is something that's apparently, it's in dispute whether or not they're real things. I was trying to find the biggest python, which I did see it does say a reticulated python can grow up to 30 feet. But anacondas, I believe, are bigger.

I typed in biggest snake, and that's how I got that, which was anacondas. I think they think that at one point in time, anacondas would get to 100 feet long. It's all myth. It's hard to tell what's horseshit or not, but there's photos of ones that people took from planes where you see this thing that looks like a telephone pole, but a hundred foot long telephone pole making its way through the water like that big. Wow. Shit. I don't know if it's real though. Dude, the alligators get fucking big in Florida too. My mom lives down there and she plays golf and there's a pond that has fucking alligators in it.

On the golf course. On the golf course. They just wander around. So she was standing on the edge of the pond one day. Her ball is near the edge. And for some reason she decides to play it. Not kick it out in the fairway. She plays it from the edge. She takes the club back and she loses her balance

and she fucking falls in the water over her head. Goes under. And then goes to get out of the water and she loses her balance and she fucking falls in the water over her head, goes under and then goes to get out of the water and she's pulling herself up but it's a muddy slope and she can't get out and she's like fucking flailing on the side and somebody helps her out and she got out of the water

and I mean she was so scared that when she got out she started laughing and she was laying on the side of the pond for like two minutes. My mom's like five foot two. Oh my God. She's 78 years old. Oh my God.

Imagine that's how she went out. Yeah. Golfing near a pond. Getting spun around in circles by an alligator in the middle of the water. What's the worst animal to die at the hands of, if you had to choose? Probably hyenas. Wolves, hyenas, because they eat your guts first. Yeah.

Yeah. If you see hyena videos, they're pulling like gazelles. They pull their guts out. Uh-huh. They're eating them guts first. Coyotes do that too. They eat your asshole first. Oh, wow. The asshole.

Yeah. A friend of mine who is a wildlife biologist was telling me about, there was a girl who got killed in Canada a few years back by coyotes. And the particular area where she was in, she was a really, a petite girl. And she apparently was a very talented singer She was a talented like folk singer Or yeah I think that's what it was I think she was a folk singer So the screams were beautiful Yeah

And she got killed by coyotes Which is super super rare But he was saying that is one of the worst ways to go Because they try to kill you asshole first Her death is the only known Fatal coyote attack on an adult saying that is one of the worst ways to go because they try to kill you asshole first. Her death is the only known fatal coyote attack on an adult as well as the only known fatal coyote attack on a human ever confirmed in Canada.

Wow. She was 19 years old in Nova Scotia. It's fucking crazy. They're creeps, man. Coyotes are creeps. Creepy little fuckers. Right. I'm sure they'd grab a fucking baby if they had a chance. Oh, 100%.

A toddler. Oh, yeah, 100%. Yeah, you leave a baby in the yard, coyotes grab them. Right. They're fucking assholes, man. Didn't you ever run in when you lived in Colorado with- Mountain Lion ate my dog. Yeah, that's right.

Right. Yeah. That's normal. I mean, that's what they pray. That's one thing they found in San Francisco. Because California does not allow people... Oh, that's a guy who got his dog from the mouth of an alligator. That guy's a savage.

And he's got a fucking cigar in his mouth the whole time. Look at him. He didn't even drop the cigar. Look, he got his hands in there. Look at that guy. He's old. Look at his beautiful mustache, too. Look, he's opening the jaw. Now he's got his finger hands in there Look at that guy He's old Look at his beautiful mustache too Look

He's opening the jaw Now he's got his finger stuck in there I wonder if he killed it With like that Like fucking Kong When Kong killed the T-Rex Aw look at the little puppy Look at the little sweetie

Yeah and he's got the dog on his hat Fuck That's great You got lucky That was a little Little alligator There's cunts They're everywhere They're fucking Everywhere in Florida Yeah they're everywhere Great. You got lucky that was a little alligator. There's cunts.

They're everywhere. They're fucking everywhere in Florida. Yeah, they're everywhere. They're infested. But at least those are like native. Those are native creatures. The thing that freaks me out is the pythons because there were some dickheads pets. Yeah. See if you can find any of those videos on people hunting iguanas in their backyard because it's wild.

Like these iguanas are five feet long. They're like fucking this big. They're huge. Like this chick was holding this up, this one that she shot. And I'm like, I had no idea. Look at the size of that thing. Fuck. I had no idea.

Oh, that's Outdoors Alley. I met her before. She used to work with First Light. I met her before. She used to work with First Light. She's like a famous outdoor influencer. And she, look at all of, God, that's all iguanas that they kill? Yeah, dude, they're everywhere down there. They are literally everywhere.

And so they hunt them and then they cook them. Look at that one that fucking guy's got. He's holding up. Look at the size of that goddamn thing. Oh, yeah. Last time we talked about this, I stumbled across a video of guys eating them. Yeah, they eat them. Look at that one that fucking guy's got. He's holding up. Look at the size of that goddamn thing. Oh, yeah. Last time we talked about this, I stumbled across a video of guys eating them. Yeah, they eat them.

Yeah. Apparently, they taste delicious. This guy had them. He made sort of like an Asian recipe with like soy sauce and scallions and had stir-fried and put it in a batter. I'm like, that looks pretty fucking good. Yeah.

And they were eating it. They're like, God, this is delicious. We went on a safari one time in South Africa. That was primal. And they had a restaurant. It was called Carnivore. And it was right in the Kruger State Park. And they'd come around with skewers to the table.

And it would be like, hey, you want some fucking bison? You want some crocodile? You want some? They had want some, they had zebra, because they had to thin out the herd. You know, they basically, whatever they were thinning out that day, that's what was on the menu. Did you eat zebra?

I ate zebra. What'd that taste like? It all tasted the same. Really? Well, you know, there were shades of, there were different shades of stuff, and they cooked it all on the same, like, it was like a wood-burning spit that they had it on, and they cooked it all on the same, like it was like a wood burning,

uh, spit that they had it on. And I don't know, it was more of just the, uh, the novelty of eating it. But they had, uh,

was there elephant? Did we see the elephant or hippo? There was one of those. I have a friend who ate elephant once. Yeah. He said it was delicious. Yeah. Yeah.

I was like, I don't know. That's like, that's in the dog category for me. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like elephants are kind of, they're really, I was in Thailand and I rode an elephant. Really? Yeah, it's like this whole experience.

And they're not like encaged. They're essentially free roam, free ranging elephants in Thailand. They've rescued from circuses and all kinds of different shit like that. And they've rehabilitated them. And they're real kind. Like, you feed them. They love sugar cane. So you're holding up sugar cane for them.

Before you ride them, which I didn't enjoy. I don't need to ride them again. But my family wanted to do it, so like, okay, we'll ride them. But they don't give a fuck. It's like a kitten on your back. They don't feel you. Did you put your daughters on it? Yeah.

Really? Yeah, one of them fell off too. No shit. Got right back up. Yeah. The elephants will wait for you. It's weird, man. They're not trying to shake you off.

They don't mind. But you have to develop a relationship with them first. So the first thing you do is you feed them. So you feed them sugar cane. Then you wash them. So you're washing them. Okay. And you're petting them.

And when you're doing it, they'll just hang with you, man. They hang with you. Wow. They're cool. And when you go to ride them, they put their leg up like that so you could stand on it. Wow. Yeah. They don't have a problem with you riding them.

They know what to do. So they go like that, and you step on their leg and pull yourself up. Yeah. But you're so tiny in comparison to an elephant. It's not like – like riding a horse is a little odd, right? Like sometimes horses don't want you riding. I'm like, come on, get the fuck off me. Elephants don't give a shit.

Like these elephants don't give a shit. And they know that you're going to go down to this, there's a trail you go through the jungle down into this like pond, this like lake, this waterfall, and you bathe them there. And you hang out with them. Wow. So you have like a little friendship with them, and it's cool. But they're free range.

If they wanted to, they could just go left and wander off into the jungle, and you never see them again. And they've had multiple elephants that they took care of and rehabilitated in this place that now live in the wild. So while you're riding them, they'll just decide, well, I'm going to stop here and eat for a minute, and they just fucking pull trees out of the roots and just start fucking eating leaves and shit,

pull bushes out, and they just eat. Just pause and eat and then go on. So it's a weird little thing you have going on with them. But it still feels exploitive to ride. It feels odd. I'm not interested in the riding them. Like I like the petting them. I like the feeding them. I like this just being, you'd be able to touch this thing and have it trust you and giant animal. But I know too much about how intelligent they

are. They're really smart. They can paint. You ever seen them paint? No. Dude, they can paint. They can paint an elephant. Like like i don't know if they taught them how to make the shape i don't know what they did but elephants can paint things incredible let me see if you can find some video of that it's real weird like i've seen it and i was like how does he know what he's painting like he's painting a trunk and the legs like it looks like like what a five-year-old would make. It's pretty good. Wow. It's a pretty good painting.

Shit. Yeah, I'm like, but is this normal? Can they just do that if they see you do it? Or do you have to give them enough food? Watch this. Look at this elephant. Look at this, man. Dude, when you were talking about it,

I was like, how does it hold the brush in its foot? I don't know. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, man. Isn't that wild? No way. That's not real. Yeah, it's weird.

It's weird, man. It's real. Holy shit. It's real. Yeah. Yeah, they can paint. That's insane. Get the fuck out of here.

I know. It seems like it would be fake, but they can make hearts and flowers and shit. Yeah. Dude, this is like- If I could get that painting, I would put it on my wall just to be able to tell people an elephant did it. You can buy them. Really?

Suda. That's the elephant's name is Suda. Is he making his name or her name? Is that a boy or a girl? No tusks. Maybe it's a girl. Look at that. Dude, she can paint her fucking name.

Fuck. I mean, how wild is that? So I guess they must reward her if she can recreate the symbol that is her name, you know, the letters. And I guess, I mean, I don't know if they've taught her how to do specific stuff or she could just paint. Fuck, that's crazy, man. She painted a tree? Is that real? Shit!

Is that 100% real? Painting by Elephant Suda. You get 490 bucks to get a painting by this elephant. I mean, that's pretty goddamn good. Change how she writes her D's. One of the other videos was like a lowercase D.

That one's a little different. Wild, right? Yeah. Authentic paintings made by elephants at our elephant park and clinic in Thailand. Okay. So same place, same area. That's crazy. Wow.

Look, different perspectives. Look at that one. A different perspective. Someone should tell her that's a P. Hey, bitch, you fucked up. That's super. You don't get fed tonight. No sugar cane.

The elephant's wearing a scarf now. I'm trying to sell this. He's drinking cappuccinos. Free worldwide shipping. Sue is a 15-year-old girl and has been painting for 10 years. She's responsible for raising thousands of baht for our elephant hospital. She's a very gentle lady and she loves to paint and is very precise with all her paintings. Wow.

I'm getting one of those. It's pretty cool, man. Yeah. Because it's really, I guess, I don't, I mean, that's the thing. It's like, does she know that she's painting something? Like, does she know that's an elephant? Or is it like a shape that she's recreating that they've taught her to make you know i mean it makes sense i mean little kids can i mean i still have

paintings my kids did when they were in preschool and i'm shocked at sometimes the symmetry like they'll have like symmetrical shapes on opposite sides of the page and they'll have like colors, the color schemes that are balanced there's shit that goes on in the brain that's undeveloped that expresses itself so if the elephant has vision it should be able to replicate it. I guess

it's weird to see animals create art because you know what that looks like? It looks like a cave painting. Yeah. That's what it looks like? It looks like a cave painting. That's what it looks like. It looks like the way cave people painted elephants. You ever paint? Yeah. I've never been a painter though.

I'm more of an illustrator. I did a lot of drawing. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, you didn't know? No. Oh, dude, I used to want to be a comic book artist. No shit. That was really good. How did I not know that? See if you can find I had one recently that I did of Marvin Hagler. It was on my Instagram

when Hagler died. I found out Hagler died and I pulled out some thing from like high school. 1983. Wow. I just found Richard Dawkins writing about that elephant. About the elephants? Yeah. Yeah, see if you can find that thing on my Instagram of Marvin Hagler.

But I have one of three little pigs that's really good. Three little pigs and a big bad what, werewolf? It's like a werewolf person through the house of straw with these little pigs scrambling. Yeah, that's Marvin Hagler. That was from when I was 15. That's amazing. Yeah, that's what Iler. That was from when I was 15. That's amazing. Yeah, that's what I wanted to do, man. But I had a cunty fucking high school art teacher who had me convinced that there was no way to make a living as our class. He was really, really good. And he had the same fucking problem with his teacher.

And when I quit, I didn't go to art my senior year of high school just because my art teacher was such a piece of shit. And John told me, and I'm again, like, if you think that's good, John was twice as good. He was really good. And John told me that the guy gave him an F. Oh, yeah? just a cunt just he was a bitter old shitty man F in art I'm telling you this guy was so good he was so good he was good enough to be like he could have been an illustrator for Marvel Comics yeah top of the food chain he was really really fucking

talented and you know we're, 16, 17 years old. And the guy was such a piece of shit that he quit doing art too. Yeah. And he never went on to be an artist. Fuck. Yeah. See if you can find the three little pigs one.

That's probably a better one. But yeah, there was a group of us. There was a kid named Kevin. There was John and me. The three guys in this art class and we're all pretty pretty fucking good but all under this the thumb of this shitbag art teacher I'll never forget this guy he was like he had this dumpy posture he had like this scrawny body look he never did anything and this this pouch this gut that would just and he would just be everything was like yeah everything

was like well you're not going everything was like, well, you're not going to be able to draw what you want to draw. You want to be an artist? I remember he said I would have to draw diaper commercials. I'd have to do something for a diaper advertisement. Like, you know, so you're not going to be able to, that's, oh, that's a different one. That's Little Red Riding Hood. That's another one that I did. Damn. I like your style. It's all lines. What do you call that? Yeah, I was into technical.

It's called technical pens. Uh-huh. Yeah, it was like a technical ink pen. It was all like fine lines. That was what I was into. I was into like, there was a lot of really cool old black and white comic books, like Creepy and Eerie. There was a whole, like Uncle Creepy.

It was like a series of these, they were like large magazines that had these really cool horror stories that they illustrated. And it was all that style of illustration. So I really got into that. Did you do colors as well? A little bit, but mostly I was just into just drawing with pen and ink. Sometimes ballpoint pen, sometimes pencil and shit, but I didn't do much painting.

That's a totally different way of creating art. Me, I was just into lines and putting the lines together. With painting, obviously you've got this fat brush and trying to figure it out. Yeah. The fucking crazy thing that people are doing today now is tattoos. I saw this fucking tattoo today. Dude, I just got my first one. What'd you get? A 55.

What is it? It's an Irish harp. Did you do it? Looks like you did it with your left hand. That is ridiculous I got one Everybody in my family got one That is ridiculous

My daughter wanted one since she was like 12 years old And we were like You gotta wait until you're 18 And I said if you wait until you're 18 The whole family will get a tattoo together Oh my god that's so ridiculous So we all went and got the same tattoo I'm gonna send you this Jamie

Did you find my three little pigs one? I did not Okay that's'm going to send you this, Jamie. Did you find my Three Little Pigs one? I did not. Okay, that's cool. Let me send you this, though. Look how good this guy's work is. It's an Instagram link. It's crazy. I mean, it's like literally, it looks like a photograph.

It's actually John Wick. It's Keanu Reeves, but it's from the movie John Wick. And you're looking at this guy. He's actually doing it in the video. Look how good that is. Whoa. That's a tattoo. Holy shit.

Incredible. Why didn't you give me this guy's name before I got mine done? It's the guy's name is Luigi. It's important tattoo is the Instagram page. And the guy's name is Luigi Manci. He's in Italy. Latina Italy. But look how good his shit is, man.

Look at that Viking one, the upper left. The Keanu Reeves one is fucking insane, dude. That is insane. Yeah. Wow. Look at the Michael Jackson one. Holy shit. Look how good that is. I mean, that's wild, man.

Wild. Damn. Yeah, there's a lot of these guys now that are doing these photorealistic tattoos that are just incredible. Look at that Dennis Rodman one. Fuck. Yeah. Incredible. I mean, that's incredible, man.

Look at the tongue. Yeah. The teeth and the tongue. Yeah, it's wild. I saw this guy I follow. I was guessing you were going to show this guy. He makes some pretty sick tattoos, too. Steve But's wild i saw this guy i thought i was guessing you were gonna show this guy he makes some pretty sick tattoos steve butcher no that guy in here oh jesus oh arlo tattoos yeah i've seen him before yeah he's it that's uh he does a lot of realistic stuff too but he does all kinds of shit like look at that one man that is crazy. He's got dumb shit. Yeah.

What the fuck? I think he's in Colorado. Is there new technology for how to do tattoos that they're that much better? Well, there's better inks and there's better techniques and they're just really good. Keep going up. Go back to that. Scroll down a little bit. Look how good his shit is, man. He mixes in color and black and white really good.

Man, that is wild wild where is that elysium studios where is that i think it's colorado it's not denver though but i believe he is click on that yeah grand junction grand junction colorado that's what joey diaz always said they wanted to move i'm gonna go to grand junction Colorado. That's where Joey Diaz always said they wanted to move. I'm going to go to Grand Junction. It's outside of Denver. Not that far. It's got a good airport. Yeah. Grand Junction. I'm going to Golden. I'm doing a show in Golden, Colorado. Golden, Colorado? What are you doing

out there? I don't know. They got a new comedy. It's like a little theater. Oh, yeah? Small theater. Yeah. I'm doing a weird tour soon. I'm doing One Night. I'm doing Boise. Yeah. Cool. I'm doing a weird tour soon. I'm doing one night, I'm doing Boise, Idaho. No, no. I'm doing Iowa.

Des Moines. Des Moines, Iowa. And then the next night I'm in Wisconsin. Oh, no shit. You gonna drive? No. You should take a nice drive, man. I'm flying.

I'm not driving. Private jet? I'm driving to the cornfields and get kidnapped by some fucking weirdos. I remember when I was doing those colleges, driving through those cornfields, man. It was fucking strange. I remember one night I was driving. It was like I hadn't eaten, and it was one of those gigs where – did you ever do college runs at all? Yeah. So you would do like a college one night, and then you'd have a fucking nooner the next day

at another college which was like three hours away lunch shows so I get in the car and I'm in I think it was Iowa and I get in the car

and I'm fucking starving but I get going because I was like alright I'll get something on the road I gotta get to this next town so I can wake up and do the show

and I'm driving and there's nothing everything's closed I'm dying my fucking stomach's cramped and I so hungry. And I see a Taco Bell up ahead. And so I pull over and they're still open and it's crank country or whatever fucking drug they do in Iowa, because there was a security guard, an armed security guard inside the place. Cause I guess they get robbed so much. And so the guard was like 400 pounds and he goes in the bathroom. I order

my food. He goes in the bathroom and then I was waiting for my food and I had to go to the bathroom really bad. So he gets out and I go in. This guy had fucking destroyed the men's room. There was shit splattered all over the side.

And I had to take a shit and I couldn't do it. And I came out and I started to throw up in my mouth. And I threw up my mouth and I spit it out. And then I came out and my food was there. And I left the food. And I got in the car and I drove about a mile down the road

and I took a shit on the side of the road. And I just remember staying in my Motel 6, cleaning shit, in the bathroom, because I had nothing to wipe with. I'm cleaning shit out of my ass. I'm starving to death. And I was like, I got to stop these college dates. The romantic memories, though, of those struggling days of travel

and weird, shitty road gigs. Yeah. That's something, you know, you didn't realize it at the time. It was just like a thing you're doing because you had to do it. Yeah. You're happy to get a gig. But now when you look back on it, you know, now you're an Emmy Award winning writer. Yeah.

You know, you've written books and had comedy specials on TV. Yeah. You get to think about those things. I remember once it was a block. It was always the motels. Those were the words. Because you go to these small colleges, there's no fucking Marriott nearby. And so there was like the Motel 6.

I remember there was a block of wood, like a two-by-four connected to the room key so that you didn't take the room key or whatever. And then, you know and your door was open to the parking lot and there'd be some asshole had a truck a diesel truck and he'd start it and the exhaust is fucking blowing under the crack of your door that's what wakes you up in the morning oh there's so many weird people and you were happy do you remember how happy you were to get those gigs though though? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That was a big deal. I'm getting paid. I can make a living. I can quit my job. Yeah. You didn't give a shit how bad it was. No. No, you're just happy.

Yeah. Couldn't believe you were making a living doing comedy. I mean, that was always the thing. It's like to not have a day job. Mm-hmm. If I could just finally make a living. I remember seeing those guys that didn't have a day job, like DJ Hazard. I remember DJ Hazard lived in this apartment that used to be a school. They took a school, and they turned it into condos, and it was nice.

It was really nice. It was a loft, and it had this brick wall. The inside of it was exposed brick and a big window. And I remember thinking, God, imagine. This guy lives here, and all he does is tell jokes? Yeah. This is crazy. Yeah.

What kind of life is this? Yeah. Just thinking it was this insurmountable, impossible-to-achieve goal of one day, one day, one day, one day, I'd just love to be able to make a living telling jokes. Yeah. Those old days, man, of travel and struggle, it's so fucking important, man.

I see young comics now that are doing that, and they're finding their voice at the same time that they're you know getting the freedom of like following their dream but also like creatively it's like every moment of stage time means so much because you know you're getting better every time you hit that stage you're getting better and and as you're as you're making a living and also creatively you're not peaking but you're growing and there's something so fulfilling about that and then all of a sudden it clicks and you see that confidence kick in like i saw it with like guys like mark norman and sam sam morel and guys out of new york now that i've seen over the

last 10 years come into that stage and then all of a sudden they get their confidence and it's like you can't fucking stop this guy yeah yeah they get legs they get momentum yeah yeah remember those days where you get like four or five nights in a row where you're working by the time the fifth night you've chugga chugga chugga chugga you're moving yeah you're moving and shaking yeah i remember seeing uh i forget what the comic this female comic she'd been on the road a lot. And it was after the pandemic. Oh, what's her name?

It was Samuel's girlfriend. What's her name? Do you know her? Oh, I got to remember her name. She's a fucking great comic. And she came in and everybody was rusty. Everybody's working off pieces of paper. And she had just come off the road.

And she'd been working for like two months straight. And she's also like young, hungry comic. And she annihilated the room. And it was not a good room. And it was like effortless. And you're like, yeah, that person's been in the gym. That person's hungry. They're peaking. They're making it for the first time.

And there's something that the audience senses about that person. They're just a fullback. They're breaking through the line. Well, I did a gig recently with Dylan, Tim Dylan. We did Vulcan Gas Company, and it was the same sort of thing. I'd seen him on stage. The last time I saw him was pre-pandemic, right? And so it was probably maybe even two years ago. And he was good. It was funny. But man, he was so good. It was like a couple weeks ago. He was so tight.

Everything was flowing and smooth. And Tim has that show that he does with his producer, Ben. And it's just him ranting and his producer laughing about things. So he's got like that sort of rant muscle, you know, where they can just rant about things. And then I guess he probably takes some of those premises and cherry picks them finds the best ones and that becomes his comedy so he had so much material and so much of it was relevant so much was new stuff it was fucking great yeah he's this great fucking bit about not needing to align politically with the people who own chick-fil-a it was just just, but it was so powerful, you know.

But it was that thing, and I said, I go, dude, that was so good. And I told him, I go, you are on such a new level. I can see it. It was so powerful. And he's like, yeah, it's this road work, just constantly being on the road and doing gigs. Right. I'm wondering whether or not that's going to keep going, you know,

because they're trying to shut things down now and people are panicking, you know, because of this recent new spike in COVID. Yeah. Because COVID is kicking back in again. Yeah. But there's way less deaths. There's a lot of cases, but they know how to treat it now.

So there's less, you know, they have those monoclonal antibodies and ivermectin and Z-Pax and all these different things they're doing. They're helping people survive it. So people are getting over it much better. So if you look at case numbers, case numbers are up recently. But the deaths are way, way low in comparison to what they used to be. What's the cost of treating somebody with that kind of stuff? Is it astronomical? Ivermectin is pretty cheap because it's a generic drug,

and it's been around for a long time. I don't know how much Z-Pax costs, and I don't know how much those monoclonal antibodies cost. But, you know, it's probably, you know, anytime you're in a hospital. If you actually have to go to a hospital, it's fucking expensive. Plus the, you know, the long-term effects for some people can be expensive. Yeah, I'm just hearing so many people who are vaccinated that get it. And now they're saying that if you're vaccinated, it may only be good for three to four months.

And so there was a guy online that was saying, what is this? Are you calling it a vaccine or is this a treatment? He goes, because if it's a treatment, it's a very different approach than a vaccine. Because most vaccines, other than maybe the flu vaccine, most vaccines give you immunity for a long time. Like if you get a measles vaccine, you get immunity for a long time. long time like if you get a measles vaccine you get immunity for a long time and i think a lot of people thought like you get vaccinated from covid and you're not ever going to catch covid and now people are catching covid and dying that are vaccinated so it's like fuck but they tend not to have as severe symptoms if they're vaccinated and then they catch it i guess but you know there

was a lot of people that didn't get symptoms before vaccines were out, which is interesting. I was reading this thing where this guy was making this argument. They were saying that the large number of people who are dying from COVID are the unvaccinated. And he said, yeah, but they're not taking these from recent cases. He goes, the problem with this thing is when they're saying the large number of people who are vaccinated from COVID or unvaccinated from COVID are the ones who are dying, they're going way back to like March of last year. And he's like, they're adding those where it was

before there was even any vaccines. He's like, so the bulk of the deaths, yeah, they were unvaccinated people. But if you're looking at it now, he's like, people aren't dying nearly as much, even the unvaccinated. The real problem, and it's always been, is underlying comorbidities. People that have- Weight problems. Cancer, weight problems. Obesity is 78% of the people that wind up in the ICU with COVID are obese. Yeah. 78%. Right. And if there's anything this country has, we have an epidemic with people being overweight. Yeah.

It's just too easy to get fatty foods and sugary foods. Yeah. Yeah. It's too easy to overeat. Yeah. I would have hoped that out of all this that one thing would come out was the whole country would kind of wake up and say, look, taking care of yourself is very fucking important. But a lot of people just wanted that shot.

They're just like, give me that shot and everything's going to be fine. Like, even I was talking to a good friend of mine who got COVID after he was vaccinated. He goes, dude, as soon as I got vaccinated, I stopped taking vitamins. Like, I'm good. He goes, I was like, before I was scared and I just let off the gas completely. And then he wound up getting COVID. And he's pretty fucked up. Right. And you got to take zinc, quercetin, D, vitamin D3, right? Yeah. Fish oil, vitamin C. You really want to be healthy. That's what you want. You really want a balanced,

healthy vitamin intake and exercise, particularly cardiovascular exercise. They think that that is one of the best things to ward off some of the worst cases of COVID. It's like if you're in good cardiovascular shape. A lot of people work out and they only do weights and they don't do the cardio. You got to do, even if I only do 20 minutes, every time I work out, I do at least 20 minutes of cardio before I lift weights. Saddest thing is to watch a guy who's buff run out of air. Yeah, right. Like going to hike with him. Like, hey man,

you're not in shape. Yeah. You're just muscular. I work at a gold gym in Venice. Do you really? Yeah. You go to the Mecca of bodybuilding? Yeah, I go to the Mecca of bodybuilding and I am without a doubt always the smallest guy in the gym. And you have to see these motherfuckers because they have puffy

muscles. A lot of these guys and when that pandemic happened and they closed down I saw these guys coming back into the gym and the whole fucking midsection had collapsed and the muscles and now they're all in there just fucking trying to get it back.

Yeah if you don't have weights- It's all outdoors now. Oh, really? Yeah, they closed off two of the parking lots at Gold's. They move all the equipment outside, and it's so fucking great, like just working out outside in the sun. That's smart. Yeah.

That's good because you get a double whammy, right? You get the vitamin D from being outside. And then you also, you know, there's very few, if any, cases where they've shown that there's been widespread transmission through outdoor. Yeah. They don't think you really get it outside. Maybe with a new variant you might be able to, but the old shit, regular COVID. Yeah.

How do they know whether or not, everybody that I know that got tested for COVID, they didn't find out if they have a variant. They didn't find out shit. They just found out they were positive. I mean, how do they know who's got a variant? Yeah. You know? Right?

Yeah. Jamie's got antibodies from fucking October. Strong antibodies. He's in shape, too. Look at the guy. You running still? Yeah. Those in shape, too. Look at the guy. You running still? Yeah. Those golf swings, though.

Golf swings, too, and running? Told you, I burn lots of calories. Golfing. I heard he's trying to get you into golfing. No, it's not happening. You're not a golfer. You don't seem like a golfer. I'm too addicted to games, man.

You see how I am with pool. I can't be playing golf. Yeah. I don't have that kind of time. It's a lot of time. It's a lot of time. Yeah. I remember very distinctly in Boston when we lived there, the guys that got really into

golf, they did not pay attention to their career. They just did the gigs, got the money, and they just wanted to golf in the morning. Yeah. And golf became more of the thing they were concentrating on even in pool. Right. Or even in comedy, rather. I remember Seinfeld said that. He goes, you can always see the comics that aren't going to progress. They go on the in pool. Right. Or even in comedy, rather. I remember Seinfeld said that. He goes, you can always see the comics

that aren't going to progress. They go on the road with golf clubs. He goes, that's death. Because I can remember when first going on the road, I mean, up until now, I'm not as intense about it as I used to be, but I used to be like, I would do the shows, tape my sets,

I'd get up in the morning, get some coffee, and I would sit there with my tape recorder and I would fucking pause it and make notes. I had notebooks where I would just—a word change, I wrote it down. A tangent that I went on, I'd write it down. And then before I went on stage, I'd go through those notes, and I'd fucking tape it again. And that's when, like, the shit really gets tight. I mean, that's my process.

Yeah. Different for everybody. Some people, they can remember it all, but at least like for me to, to, to make that the first and only priority when you're on the road, you come back on Sunday. They used to have a Largo in, in LA on Monday nights. And I would go do Largo like almost every Monday night and I'd be on the road almost every weekend. And I'd come back with five new minutes that were fucking pounded out. And I would go into Largo and it's all these other. And it was like alternative comedy. So it was like shit they thought of while they were having a latte that afternoon.

It was kind of fat and not really like pieced together. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, and some of them were brilliant. Some of them could get away with it. You know, like Patton Oswalt can just go up there and talk and it's fucking unbelievable. But I, I'm, I had to work, I had to work hard on that shit to make it tight. Like Tim Dillons, like you said, he found, he found his rhythm in his voice and it just comes

out. But for me, it was like, I needed those hours alone in my hotel room, pouring over that shit to make it good. Yeah. Having that that extra focus the extra time and and having the discipline to sit there and actually do that that's what makes all the difference in the world yeah right because it really make you're thinking about it more if you're concentrating about your act you're looking forward to it you're like going over the stuff and then when you go on stage i think the way i look at it like every time you listen to a set, it's like a half a set. It's like every set you do is very important for tightening your act and making it strong. And then you listen to a set afterwards and it's another, it's like doing a half a set. It's like

50% as valuable as doing a whole set. So like if you do two shows and then you listen to both of those shows, it's like you did three shows. And it's over time all that stuff accumulates and it really does have a big effect. It's a matter of how much time, how much focus, how much are you concentrating on it and how much are you really trying to innovate

it, really trying to tighten it up. And then you're so much more aware. It's just like playing a sport. If you're fundamentals, if you're beating the more aware. I mean, it's just like playing a sport. If you're fundamentals, if you're beating the fundamentals into yourself, then when you're on stage, your mind isn't fixated on, oh, what's the next joke or whatever. It's more like, oh no, I'm hitting this word instead of that word because last night in the second show that worked better. And you're so much more able to concentrate on the minutia. What were you telling me?

You were about to tell me. I said, don't tell me what happened at Kill Tony last night. Oh, Jesus Christ. What a fucking zoo. I mean, that show was always chaotic and interesting and good, but here in Austin, it's like I show up and I go in the green room and Tony's dressed like the fucking cowboy from Toy Story. He's got on a big fucking belt buckle, cowboy hat, snakeskin boots.

And there's a guy in the corner who's got a fucking he's got a freezer bag filled with mushrooms. And he's just handed everybody's fucking chewing on stems there's a fat joint going the band is downstairs and then they they do the show and I mean the place

is just frenetic I mean they're so good and then this Asian guy gets up on stage who I guess does it every week who is super funny

hands Hans are hands and he goes up and then and then Tony goes does anybody want to make out with with hands because a woman did the week before somebody made out with so now it's a running thing of like yeah can we get a different girl to make out with I guess he's making amends to the Asian people and so this girl comes up on stage and it wasn't just her

there were like three women that were willing to come on stage. This girl comes up and she's about five foot one and she has one of those sites that you can be a prostitute, be like a stripper for people. OnlyFans? She's got an OnlyFans page. So Tony goes,

is it okay if you make out with him? Are you here with anybody? She's like, yeah, I'm here on a date, but he's okay with it. So, and she shows us her tits, and they're pierced, and she, so she starts making out with this guy, but I mean, they are going at it, like shoving tongues down each other's throats.

And then he goes, Tony goes, will you have sex with him? And she goes, yeah, yeah, but I want my date in on it so we bring the date on stage he's like yeah i'll do a three-way with this guy so so cut to after the show and he's this guy on mushrooms too hans maybe maybe i know the week before apparently he threw up in five different places in the club and so he so it's almost like he's having a rebirth. He's had this pretty fucking pedestrian

life up until Kill Tony. And now he's like a teenager all over again. So he comes into the green room after the show. There's like an after party happening. And he comes in the green room and apparently he already had sex with the girl in the janitor's closet at the club.

Yeah. And the boyfriend, the date was pissed because he wasn't invited because she couldn't find him. So she went ahead and did it. It was insanity. Wow. Yeah. Wow. I don't know if that's a good commercial for Kill Tony, but if you hear that and you don't want to go to that show, I don't know what else you're doing on Monday nights.

Tony is so good at that show. He's so good at the ad-libs and just running it and keeping it smooth and rolling. No, producing it. I mean, he's got this killer band. He's got the regulars that go up and perform every week. This one guy goes up, this red-headed guy with a beard. I can't remember his name, but he goes on every week. He's from Nashville

I think he destroys and uh William Montgomery I think that's his name reads off of his notes yeah yeah yeah yeah he's hilarious

yeah he's hilarious um but you know it's just the whole thing is so well produced and put together I go

did you show this to Comedy Central and they're like yeah this isn't a Comedy Central show I'm like no if they had're like, yeah, this isn't a Comedy Central show. I'm like, no, if they had any fucking sense. They don't. This is a perfect show for Comedy Central.

But it's better on the internet. It's better. Because you don't want anybody getting their greasy little fingers in it. Well, you know, we can't. We're going to cut that out. Right. Cut out all the good stuff. Yeah.

Yeah, fuck that. Everything should be on the internet now. Yeah. Within five, ten years, there's going to be no reason to do any of these shows anywhere else. The equipment is so cheap. He's got about 19 cameras set up. Yeah.

Yeah, Red Band's producing it all. It's all simple, and it's better this way. Yeah. It's better. Because you need these wild motherfuckers eating mushrooms in the green room to go out there and put that show together.

That's what you really want. Yeah. That's the you really want. That's the right kind of, and what it is basically is the cornerstone of the Austin comedy scene because that's where all the young guys and girls and non-binary folks get a chance to go up and do their fucking comedy for the first time. They get one minute and you might get one minute and do it in front of Ron White or Greg Fitzsimmons or whoever the fuck, Tim Dillon, whoever the fuck is there. Yeah.

And it's great. It's wild. They dragged this guy up in a wheelchair. This guy had Lou Gehrig's disease. And I guess when he caught it, he decided that he was going to follow his dream of doing stand-up comedy. Oh, Mike. Mike Lerner. How do you spell his last name?

Yeah, yeah. How do you spell it? L-E-H-R-E-R. Yeah. And this guy comes up. He's funny. They had to drag the fucking, and I'm like, this is going to be a train wreck. And he gets up, and he was playing a character of Andrew Dice Clay as a handicapped guy.

And he had all this material, like Andrew Dice Clay material, including nursery rhymes at the end, and he fucking killed. Dude, he's a funny guy yeah he just got a disease but he's a very funny comic yeah no it's a beautiful show it really is and it's it's it's wild and when you're watching it you know that it's not planned out it's just chaotic and fun yeah and it's like it's supporting that kind of style of comedy wild live nightclub comedy you know that plays that venue Vulcan is amazing for it, too. Yeah.

Are you working tonight? You doing anything tonight? No. Oh, yeah, you are. Want to do a set on my show? Yeah. Is it at that same place? Yeah.

Fuck yeah, man. Fuck yeah. That room is hot. Hot. Yeah. Wait till tonight. Yeah. Dynamite.

Oh, it's going to be wild. Yeah. Yeah. I'm there pretty much every Tuesday and Wednesday when I'm in town. No shit. Yeah. It's a great place to work out. Wow.

So if I'm doing arenas on the weekend, I tighten my shit up here. Nice. Yeah. It's great. So you're hitting the road now? You're out doing stuff? Yeah. Yeah.

I've done some clubs on the road. I did Wise Guys in Salt Lake. Tightened up there. Yeah. And I did a few arenas in Vegas with Chappelle. We did the N in Salt Lake. Tightened up there. And I did a few arenas in Vegas with Chappelle. We did the NG and Graham. Oh, dude, yeah, Mike Gibbons. You know my buddy Mike Gibbons I do my podcast Sunday Papers with. He came out to see you. Oh, did he? Yeah. And he's

like, hey man, can you get me some free tickets? I go, yeah, let me text Rogan to get fucking free tickets to his arena show. I go, buy you're a fucking very successful showrunner buy a goddamn ticket to the show but he went he said it was unbelievable he's like that he's like he's like rogan killed so hard i felt bad for chapelle and then chapelle came up and also just annihilated everybody was so happy like the audience was so happy it was a

thing well first of all it's like you know the lockdowns and everything and people weren't doing arena shows vegas wasn't even open until a couple months ago yeah right so then all of a sudden vegas is open again and then when we booked this we weren't sure if it was going to be at full capacity we thought like what does that save anybody yeah when you're all screaming and laughing and there's like six feet apart from each other, does that really have any impact on the spread of a virus? Yeah. But it was just buck wild. 14,000 people.

Two nights in a row we did it. Really? Yeah. We did Thursday and Friday. Wild. 12,000 times two. It was wild. Yeah.

It was wild. It was really fun. Don L. Rawlings. Tom Segura did it with me too. Nice. We had a good fucking time. That's amazing. Yeah.

And then you did a, and that was the weekend of the McGregor fight, right? Yes, yeah. And then the McGregor fight was Saturday night. Yeah. It's a good weekend. It was a fun time. Yeah. But it was like Vegas is back time.

Yeah. It felt like it. Everything was fucking electric. People were excited to be there and the casinos were filled with time. Yeah. Like it felt like it, like everything was fucking electric. Like people were excited to be there and the casinos were filled with people. Yeah. But you know, now that people are catching COVID again, who knows what's going to happen? I know. Because I think a lot of people thought that the vaccine was going to be the cure and that's

it. Yeah. No worries. Now people are scared. I wonder if they're going to be less scared. They find out that there's way less deaths. You know, that's the thing that people will, like the deaths are not near.

A lot of the deaths happened in the early days too when they didn't know how to treat it and they were throwing people on ventilators right away. And, you know, who knows. But the crowds really are different, man, since the pandemic. They are just electric. So excited to be there.

Every show, people are so excited. Even if it's not full, it's just, since the pandemic. They are just electric. Every show, people are so excited. Even if it's not full, it feels full. When it's 50% capacity, it still feels like it's 100%. I did Wise Guys in Salt Lake. Goddamn, that's a great club.

That's fun. That's a great place, too, because they're a little weirded out by the whole Mormon thing You know it's like There's a percentage of the people that are Mormons In the crowd And I was like if you're Mormon guess what You're not supposed to be here

This is not right You're not following your fucking rules Whatever wacky rules you got Yeah It's a weird town right Salt Lake Where it's kind of like a Mormon town, but not really anymore. It's like there's a certain percentage of Mormons, but it's like a regular city, but it still has the influence of the Mormons. Well, it's a high percentage.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. What do you think? It's like 30, 40? No, I think it's more than that. Really? Yeah. Let's guess.

Let's guess and we'll find out. I'm going to say 70. What? I bet it's 70%. No. I mean, they're raised Mormon. I'm sure they leave the fold once they turn 18 or whatever. All right, let's Google it. What percentage of Salt Lake City residents are Mormon?

I did Utah. I figured that was good enough. Oh, Utah is a pretty high number. But Salt Lake City? What would you get out of Utah? 62%. 62? Whoa.

Of the whole state. Yeah. 49% of Salt Lake County. 49 of? Whoa. Of the whole state. Yeah. 49% of Salt Lake County. 49% of Salt Lake. 49%. Yeah. Wow. And so when you come out of that energy, I mean, it's like, where do you get laid more

than a fucking Catholic girl school? I remember that in high school, man. Holy Child and Our Lady of Victory. And we used to hit those schools hard. Marymount College. It was a fucking Catholic college in my town growing up. Oh, my God. The entire time in New York.

Marymount College. If you tell those girls to stay away from boys, the first thing they want to do is find a boy. That's right. Get me a boy. Get me a boy. I can't do this anymore. I want to sin. Shut the fuck up, Mom.

Leave me alone dad I'm my own woman They just want That was in high school man For sure We used to go up to that college When we were We were like 16 years old

We'd get a couple bottles of wine We'd head up to Marymount And we'd just troll We'd just walk around Looking for these like These Hispanic girls From the Bronx Whose mothers were trying

To cloister them up At Marymount College They'll be safe up there No No they won't The worst place for them I dated this one girl In high school There were girls from the Bronx whose mothers were trying to cloister them up at Marymount College. They'll be safe up there. No. No, they won't. The worst place for them. I dated this one girl in high school who went to all-girls Catholic school, and her two sisters didn't. Her two sisters went to public school, and she went to Catholic school.

And she was so wild. She was like, if you took a cat and you throw a ball of yarn in front of a cat, you know, it dives on it, that's how she was with Dick. She couldn't, she couldn't, she was crazy. She was just a wild girl and I think a lot of- She wanted the yarn. She just wanted to fuck. Yeah.

All the time and I think it was because of Catholic school. Uh huh. Yeah. Tell me I can't have it. She was a wild girl, man. She fucked like five of my friends. Uh-huh. Yeah. Tell me I can't have it. She's a wild girl, man. She fucked like five of my friends. She was crazy. You ever see somebody like that when they get older and you just look at them and you're like, mm-hmm?

Yeah, it's sad sometimes. Yeah. Been through some rough times. And the sad thing is if it's the same town and you're like passing by guys you fucked before. I'm like, oh, hi, Norman. He's like, hey, hey Mary how you been some guys still remembers high school yeah she walks by and every guy like locks eyes with each other like remember oh no and if you're her husband now you like mmm well that was the best and remember

best in show when the Kathleen O'Hara? Oh, yeah. She played that character where she had fucked every guy they ran into with her husband. Eugene Levy was the husband, and he was constantly keeping an eye on her. They're a good team. They're a great team on that Schitt's Creek show. That show's very good. So original.

Yeah, very original. I watched the first episode, and I was like, all right, here's a big premise. I don't know if they can pull it. Sometimes they go too big with the premise. Right. And you go like, they can't follow this up. But then it turns into a whole other show. It just turns into like a very intimate show about a family that's, you know, really loves each other.

Yeah, yeah. And going through some shit. Yeah. Yeah. It's great. And Eugene Levy's son is fucking great. He's really funny. Yeah. He's really funny. I've never seen him off the

show. Is he as gay off the show? Because he's pretty gay on the show. Yeah. I don't know. I haven't seen him being interviewed. I've only seen him on that show. Has he done other shows before? I don't know, but he's meticulous because he's a producer on that show,

and that thing is very well put together. Yeah, it's a great show. Yeah. It's a really good show. And again, like you said, it's a really good premise. Yeah. And then Chris, what's his name? Elliot is amazing too.

Yeah. As the crazy mayor of the town. Uh-huh. Yeah. And it started out as like a little Canadian show, I think, and it got picked up. Yeah, I think they did all the episodes up in Canada. I never watched any of it until this year, until the pandemic. Yeah.

I binged. That's a good binge. I watched a bunch of them. Yeah. That's a good binge because you can watch a bunch of them back to back. Yeah. There's some shows you really got to like. Like Breaking Bad, you got to watch one, maybe two, and then you got to go sit alone in a

room for a little while. And ingest it. And let it settle. I started getting into Community. I never watched Community. Never saw it. It's good? It's good. It's really good.

Joel McHale's fucking funny, man. Donald Glover's really funny. Even Chevy Chase. It's weird to see Chevy Chase as an old man in a sitcom. It's very strange. But it's good. I think they bounced him off the show for being an asshole after a while. Yeah, I kinda heard that too.

I don't know if that's true, but I wouldn't be surprised. He seems like a grumpy dude. I did one of the Comedy Central roasts when he was the roasty. Yeah. And he wouldn't say hi to us before the show. We're all backstage, and it's like me and Jeff Ross and Lisa Lampanelli, Kevin Meaney, Al Franken, Stephen Colbert. And we're all standing around and he wouldn't shake hands.

He would just look away from you when he walked up, mirrored sunglasses on. What? And then he gets on stage and he sits there with fucking sunglasses on. And he wouldn't look at you while you were performing. So the whole audience was just like bummed out it didn't have the feeling of a roast where it's like hey we're all kidding around and we're busting right it was just more like here's a guy who fucking hates all of you and you're trying to do jokes and people were bombing i think marin was on it. Todd Barry was on it. And it was a bomb festival. It was brutal.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I always wondered if one of the reasons why he was always so shitty was that he's in pain. You know, because he did so many pratfalls. He did so many, like, stunts. Yeah. Where he'd fall and land hard on his back. Right. And the reality to that shit is to that shit is this is you know this is how i think about things right i think about damage to your body yeah like that guy's got to be in agony there's no way he's not and also he probably got a lot of brain damage

doing that like no bullshit because he was always like feet up in the air boom slam fall down on the ground remember that uh-huh like a lot of the shit that he did on snl a lot of that old school stuff even like fletch like all those old movies he fell down a lot think about how many takes you have to do of those yeah think about how many times he did that probably doing sketch like doing sketch comedy you know doing improv like he was a guy who would fall down yeah when you do that a lot man you get busted up because how many nights is he performing how many nights how many times you've fallen how many nights you've fallen during a week all right i would when i heard he was an asshole because you know my

history with people getting punched and kicked in the head my first thing i was thinking like but that guy's in pain all the time have you seen seen that with fighters? Do guys turn into assholes as they get older if they get beat up too much? They get crumpy. Yeah. They get real impulsive. They do wild shit. They wind up doing a lot of drugs or gambling and shit. That's the thing about people with brain damage. They get very impulsive. Drive drunk, get wild. They have a hard time controlling their impulses, a hard time controlling their tempers too. And there's nothing you can do about that. That's just permanent damage. I wonder.

You know, I wonder. I think there's some people that have had a lot of relief from psilocybin therapy. Oh, yeah? Yeah. John Hopkins is about to do something with USADA, and they're working with – they want to. They haven't begun the studies yet, but they're going to work with UFC fighters. And they're going to, I think they're going to work with some other athletes as well that have sustained some brain damage.

And they're going to work on helping them with psilocybin mushrooms. Now, I've heard they've treated a lot of vets with that, or that's the hope for the, yeah. Well, MAPS is using MDMA. MAPS, Multidisciplinary Advanced Psychedelic Studies, whatever the hell it is. Multidisciplinary, what is it? What does MAPS stand for? Association of Psychedelic Studies. I had Rick Doblin on who's the head of MAPS and he was talking to me about all the progress they've made with MDMA, ecstasy, you know? Yeah. That's really good for people that have traumatic memories and soldiers in particular, and that's

one of the best treatments for them is MDMA. They do it in conjunction with talk therapy? I don't know. It's a good question. I'm sure they probably, it probably has, you're probably going to have to talk through a lot of that stuff for sure. Yeah. But for fighters and soldiers and, you know, people with a lot of damage, just psychological damage as well as physical damage. But the thing about psilocybin is it has neuroregenerative properties.

So it actually can help heal the brain. No shit. Yeah. It's one of the rare things. Yeah, that lion's mane stuff has neuroregenerative properties as well. Yeah. There's certain things that you can take that actually can help fix your brain. They're also doing magnetic therapy.

They've done that with a lot of fighters. There's something about, um, using these like super powerful magnets. I did a whole series with that. It's called, uh, TMS trans,

uh, cranial magnetic stimulation. I think it's called, and Neil Brennan turned me onto it. Neil's done everything. Well, cause I, I'm like him.

I've had, I think Irish, I think Irish people get a lot of depression, but I've had lifelong battles with depression, and it fucking helped me. I went in there like four days a week for about six months, and you'd sit down, and they'd put magnets on your head, and they'd buzz.

You just keep fucking buzzing your head. So you feel like a vibration? Oh, yeah, yeah. It was uncomfortable. While it's happening, do you feel it, or do you feel it a vibration? Oh yeah. Yeah. It was uncomfortable. While it's happening, do you feel it or do you feel it later? Um, it's cumulative. You start to feel it, but like, um, you definitely feel a little off as it's happening. And then after about two weeks, you really start to feel like the, the, the lows of the depression go away and it and it holds like i i did it

probably three years ago and my wife is like i see a big difference wow so it remaps your brain yes exactly oh yeah kat zingano she's a uh a female mma fighter she used to fight for the ufc now she fights for bellator she was telling me about that she had done some of that it helped her a lot it helped her regain her coordination. She had one fight with Amanda Nunes, who is a UFC. She's a two-division champion. She's the bantamweight champion and the featherweight champion. She's a monster.

She's the greatest women fighter of all time. Consensus. Everybody agrees. And she beat the shit out of Kat in the first round. And Kat wound up winning the fight, but she sustained all sorts of damage from that first round that really fucked with her. She got a bunch of weight gain. Her coordination was off. And she fixed it through that magnetic therapy.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah, it's not cheap because a lot of insurance doesn't cover it yet. They keep petitioning because it's like you got to look at the cost of fixing somebody's depression. And if you can spend whatever costs $10,000 for a treatment of it over six months, and that keeps you from having to take medications for the rest of your life or go to psychotherapy for the rest of your life or whatever, the insurance companies have to start looking at it long ball as a real treatment.

They don't give a fuck. No. All they want to do is save money. Right. They're like, nope, not covered. Nope, nope, nope, nope. I mean, there's so many things they don't cover. I think ketamine is covered by a lot of insurance companies now.

That's wild. Yeah. That was one of the things that Neil told me about that really helped him. It helped Duncan a lot too. A lot of people like it. I have not a lot too. A lot of people like it. I have not done it, but a lot of people like it. But Neil was, we were talking, I remember we were in the hallway of the comedy store,

and he's like, he goes, and I did it. He goes, I thought it was going to be one of those things. You go there, it's like, you know, it's mild. He goes, no. He goes, I'm in the doctor's office. I'm fucking tripping balls. Yeah. Like really tripping hard. I was like, really? He goes, I'm in the doctor's office. I'm fucking tripping balls. Yeah. Like really tripping hard.

I was like, really? He goes, yeah. Yeah. Like really tripping. Wow. I was like, wow. Yeah. It's kind of like a weird loophole.

And he was doing it like two days a week for a while. Yeah. It's a big week. How's he now? I haven't talked to him. He's doing good. He's doing really good. I haven't talked to him since the pandemic.

I haven't seen him in a year and a half. Yeah. He's got good new material and weight's good. He was getting a little thin there for a while because I think he went all vegan. Ooh. You stopped that? I think so. Yeah.

Maybe he started lifting weights. I don't know. Hmm. But yeah, he's the guy that I always go to for advice on depression because he's done everything. He really's done everything. He really has done everything. Yeah. Magnets, ketamine.

Mm-hmm. What else has he done? Took a bunch of different—he was the one who told me about 5-HTP. What's that? 5-HTP is—it's like a building block for serotonin. Oh. Yeah. I know he does ayahuasca, too.

Yeah, he's done it all. Yeah. Just to try to fix his fucked-up brain. Yeah. I know he does ayahuasca too. Yeah, he's done it all. Yeah. Just to try to fix his fucked up brain. He's an interesting guy because he's so fucking smart. But obviously he's battling that thing, that depression thing. Right. But you're right.

It is a lot of Irish guys have depression. I don't know if it's the climate, being in the fucking dank, cold Irish climate all the time. Did that lead to the drinking? Is it the oppression by the fucking British for 800 years? Is it the Catholic Church oppressing us?

Right. Or is it just a gene? You know what's kind of amazing? That no one has come up with a really good new religion. You know? Let's do it right now. No, but if you think about it, like all these different Lutheran and Catholicism and, you know, Baptists and all the different branches of Christianity. Like, yeah, it's been a long time since anybody really busted out with a new one. Dianetics.

Right. Yeah. Scientology. Scientology. That's Dianetics. Yeah. L. Ron Hubbard. But that's not a good one.

Even Mormonism isn't that old. No. It wasn't like the 1920s. Yeah. I think it was 1820. Oh, 1820? Yeah. That old?

Yeah. I believe so. I believe it was Joseph Smith. He was 14 years old when he when he came up with it he had a vision no just fucking lied to people he's a little liar little 14 year old liar and people believed it's such a dumb lie too yeah the the je ever see Book of Mormon? Oh, yeah. It's amazing. Amazing musical. Those guys are hilarious. I literally fell out of my chair because I saw it in L.A., and L.A. wasn't ready for it.

New York was like, New York got it. But I saw it in L.A., and when they did that song, and it's like 20 minutes in. And the first 20 minutes, they set it up. It's kind of sweet. It's kind of funny. And then they hit you with that song, Fuck Me the mouth cunt and ass jesus fuck me in the cunt mouth and ass i literally nobody was laughing like it was like there was like me and 12 other degenerates

laughing and i i fell on the floor i was laughing so fucking hard. Those guys are so important. Yeah. Matt Stone and Trey Parker are so important to comedy because they've always been pushing the envelope as far as it can go. Yeah. I mean, think about Team America World Police when they had that orgy scene or the sex scene with the two puppets, and they added all this extra shit because they knew that they were going to make them edit it.

So they were shitting on each other and pissing on each other. And they did that just so that they could edit some of it out. They knew, we're just going to take this so far that when we pull it back a little, it'll still be so crazy comparatively. When they had the South Park movie and Satan and Saddam Hussein had a sexual relationship yeah did you see Satan's dick it's like a real dick

it's like you're like hey what's going on here it was kind of animated but it was a photo it was like a photo of an actual dick those guys are so important yeah week in and week out and they got a rule with Comedy Central no notes

they don't take notes These guys are so important. Yeah, week in and week out. And they got a rule with Comedy Central, no notes. That's incredible. They don't take notes. That's incredible. They don't even show them the script in advance. I think they just shoot it. They send it over. Thank the baby Jesus. Yeah.

Because if you let some young, woke, dumbass executive who just thinks he's going to fucking put his greasy little fingerprints all over that show and fuck it up. And it's such a cash gap for them. They have no choice. They're like, all right. It's so established. Just give it to us. Yeah, you got to leave them alone.

Yeah. That one that they did about Corona was so fucking funny. I didn't see that. Holy shit. That was epic. I'm trying to think what the fuck happened. Well, the genius of that show, too, is the puppets. I mean, the cartoons.

Yeah. Because you could have them do anything. They could die. Right. They could say ridiculous shit. They'd get shot, lit on fire. Yeah. You know when the teacher, the school teacher, had a slut off with Paris Hilton and stuffed her up his ass.

Right, right, right. Or when Randy Macho Man Savage came out as a woman and was winning all these competitions as a woman. Oh, yeah. It's like they can do things and make them so preposterous they have like all this extra power yeah it's incredible oh no that the uh pandemic episode i got i had all these people accuse me of stealing the uh pandemic episode joke there was a joke that you and i riffed on on your show it was about yeah there was about like what if you what if you got covid and then you fucked your dog because i'm not going to redo it because we did it on the show but the premise

that's how you get cured it cures you right so i do that we riff on it on your show and then six months later south park does their pandemic episode and it wasn't the same joke at all i sent it to you and you're like dude this isn't even the same fucking thing right but it was about it was about I think fucking maybe it was fucking the bat whatever it was it was fucking something or someone and I had to put out a video showing the date the timestamps of the dates of mine and then that one that came out the amount of fucking people because you and Segura and Bert all put it out. Yeah. And Ari all put out my stand-up clip.

Yeah. And then it got attacked for being, you stole this from South by, it's like the thing that happened six months after I did it? Yeah. Fucking crazy. Well, it's the internet sleuths. Yeah.

You know, they're always trying to find thievery, which I guess is good because it keeps people honest. Yeah. But not good when trolls try to make you feel bad. Well, it's just hard to combat it. It's hard because then you just make it a bigger issue if you try to fight back. Yeah, but you silenced it. It went away when people saw the video. They're like, oh, all right.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Ari saw the bit. He thought it was hilarious. And then we were sharing it in a group chat. And then we were all like, I think it was Ari's idea.

He's like, we should all post this. So we all posted it. That was so awesome, you guys. That's pretty cool. Got so many millions of views. It was crazy. That's the amazing thing about social media, you know, especially if there's a group of guys like Tom and Bert and Ari and me

that have like, you know, all told together. Like all those guys have, I don't know what their numbers are, but all everyone together, it's like probably 20 million fucking people. Yeah. It's so many people. That's so nuts. Yeah. It's never been a thing like that. No. Where like you could get just a group of guys and they could reach 20 million people like that. Yeah. With a bit like, like, uh, I, I fucking share Kyle Dunnigan shit every chance I get. No one makes me cry harder than his shit. But it's the same kind of thing because it's cartoonish. You know, when he does those face swaps.

Have you seen this fucking sitcom he's doing about Biden? No. The Fresh Prez. You haven't seen it? What's it on? He's doing it on YouTube. He's basically doing like a whole sitcom of Biden. And he's the only guy, he has a Biden impression

that is fucking incredible. And he does Biden with like the face swap and he has like Ben Shapiro's on it and all these other people, like Bill Maher's on it. AOC is on it. Have you seen any of this? Damn. Play some of this. You just have

24 hours where I'll be forced to broadcast your son's homemade pornos. I'm not hearing it. It's called the Fresh Prez. What is that shit, senorita? I got you this coffee mug with an American balloon on it. It costs $30. I left a tag on it so you can see I'm not a fucking liar. Where's your laptop?

Well, get to the laptop in a minute. Oh, that's Hunter Biden? First, I have to tell you something really important. I don't have a laptop. But I think I'm falling in love with you. For real. What? Don't worry. We'll get through this. Together.

At OC. Yeah. Well, we should probably not play this. Everybody, go watch it. Watch it from the beginning. I used to write on a show for Cedric the Entertainer. It was on Fox. It was a long time ago.

And he was like the Jim Carrey of the show. It was an all-black cast. Not all black, but it was mostly black cast. And he was like the crazy white guy on the show. And he did so many fucking funny characters. He's great. He's a dude that they were trying to do a Comedy Central show with him but it's exactly what we're

talking about. They fucked it up. Yeah. Because he had a whole sketch where Caitlyn Jenner had sex with Trump because he does Trump and he had Caitlyn Jenner riding Trump and fucking him and they were like no way. No. Yeah. Dude it was hilarious fucking him, and they were like, no way. No. Yeah. Dude, it was hilarious.

Wow. And they were like, no way. But there's one thing, though, about when they were doing it on Comedy Central, they were using, I think they were using Dr. Fakenstein. They were using real face swaps where it was too good. Uh-huh. Like, that stuff's better, like the stuff he's doing now, because it's so obviously fake.

It's clunky. The lips are out of whack. The whole face looks weird. The Karen laughter. Yeah, there's something about the obvious fakeness that makes it better than to do a – like, have you seen that fake face swap with Tom Cruise? No. You haven't seen it?

No. You got to see this, because this guy did a face swap, like a fake, like a AI. What do you call it? What do they call it? Deep fake. Deep fake. They did a deep fake with Tom Cruise and it's fucking incredible. It looks like Tom Cruise is talking.

Exactly. Yeah. Like we are like a year or two away from not having any idea if someone really said something. Like, watch this. Oh, that's the picture. That's the actual guy. And this is the fake one is said something. Like, watch this. Oh, that's just the picture. That's the actual guy, and this is the fake one is on the right. But play, watch this. Oh, that's the breakdown.

Just watch this. When they play the video. Sorry, I wasn't on the good thing for the video. It's okay. Put your headphones on so you can watch it, though, because it's really crazy. See, this guy, Tom Cruise face. There it is.

Press that. Play. I'm going to show you some magic. It's the real thing. I mean, it's all the real thing. How good is that fuck it's crazy right that's insane

I mean the guy does a great impression with the voice but now they can take your voice like they've taken my voice and there's a company out of Canada that took all the hours and hours of podcasts and they have me saying all kinds of crazy shit cause you can have anything you can say anything you just have my voice out of Canada that took all the hours and hours of podcasts. And they have me saying all kinds of crazy shit. Because you can have anything.

You can say anything. Because you just have my voice. You have all the numbers and all the sounds. Here's another one. It's a little embarrassing. You know, it reminds me. It was once in Russia. I ran into Gorbachev. He said, you know, Mr. Movie Star, are you nervous?

I said, no, Mr. Gorbachev, I'm not nervous. He goes, well, remember how much a polar bear weighs? I said, a polar bear? He said, enough to break the ice. It's the last time I've ever seen Macau Gorbachev. What's up, TikTok? You guys cool if I play some sports? It's wild, right?

I mean, it's hard to believe. I mean, you could have him do basically anything. So he looks a lot like him, but then they take this process. Yeah, they take this deepfake technology and they swap Tom Cruise's facial features for this guy's facial features, and it all gets done through artificial intelligence, CGI. Damn. But what's crazy is that's that guy's voice. He does a good Tom Cruise impression, but they can use Tom Cruise's voice.

Uh-huh. So they, like, where someone like you, like you have hours and hours of podcasts out there, they can take you basically all of your inflections, and they can take hundreds of hours of recordings that are available of you, and then they would be able to have you generate, like, a full dialogue. So they could do, they did this with bourdain with this new movie there's a new movie called roadrunner it's a documentary about bourdain in his life and in this documentary they use deep fake technology artificial intelligence to recreate him saying things see if you can find some of that. Is it available? They must have like a sample.

It's called Roadrunner. People are really pissed off. They didn't like it because it's not really Bourdain narrating his documentary. They took all the hours and hours and hours of footage of Bourdain talking and they put it through this technology and they recreated, they wrote a script and then have his voice say the script yeah they're like but he's not saying that and they're like well you know sounds like him because this is gonna start world wars this is scary it's wag the dog remember yeah wag the dog they created these fakes and errors but now they could do it in an insanely realistic way. Like you could have some, they did it with Reagan way, way, way back in the day.

Like they had, I forget what country did it. They released some sort of a video or an audio recording of Reagan saying a bunch of shit that he never really said. And then they showed it on the news, how they pieced it together from various speeches that reagan had given and they took the words out of context and smooshed it together and and had him say some things that he never really said yeah but this bourdain one i think is the first time that they ever had a deceased person narrating a documentary about himself with his voice, but with a script that some other people wrote. Uh-huh. Which is, you know. I think he was,

I don't know if I'm going to be able to find it because it only came out in an interview where the director admitted he did it. So I don't know that anyone's, or they've played it out because I don't know if the movie's out yet. Isn't it out? Roadrunner?

Well, I'm looking and it's not popping up like here's an example of it or anything. But they had him read like a journal entry or something like that he had written. Oh, it was something he wrote? I believe. Oh, so they used his voice. Well, that's better. It's a little still touchy because he used technology.

I know it's available. It's a matter of time until like Ryan Seacrest and people like that are just going to start mailing in their jobs. Oh yeah. Yeah. The goal of the new documentary about Anthony... So this is just an interview with the guy talking about that he did it. So there's no... But I think it's out, man.

It's not out? I'm not saying it's not. I'm just saying I'm looking and it's not like... It's not all over the internet. Like here's the piece of controversial... Oh. There's people talking about the controversial not all over the internet. Like here's the piece of controversial. Oh. Just people talking about the controversy. But is the documentary out? Just find out when the documentary itself gets released. But people that I know that have seen it were like kind of disturbed by it.

They're like, this is- Yeah, that crosses a line. It is out, I guess, yeah. Yeah. What's it on? Is it just in the theaters? Yes, Focus Features released it. I don't know.

Well, you got these concerts now with Biggie Smalls being a hologram. Yeah, I've seen the Tupac hologram. He's jacked. It was like Tupac did CrossFit. Oh, really? Yeah, they made him jacked. Yeah. It looks like an MMA fighter.

Uh-huh. I mean, nobody's ever gonna die. It's in theaters and it'll be on HBO Max, but they haven't said when. Okay. So it's only in theaters. So there's no actual recording? That's the tough part. If that ended up being on YouTube, they're probably getting it removed instantly.

Right, right, right. I'll try real hard. Yeah, it's just a matter of time. Did you see Alita, that movie Alita? No. It's really good. It's really interesting. It's CGI, clearly CGI. Like the girl is like a robot, but a lot of the people in the movie are part robot and

part human. movie are part robot and part human and it's it's this weird blurry line between reality and this clearly fictional scene you're watching you know the people getting sliced in half and their head's still moving and you know they're they're they're they take this robot head and they put it on a robot body but it looks it's they've gone into that what they call the uncanny valley you know between something being a real depiction like someone watching you right now is real but they can get so close now yeah they can get it but this girl in alita it's like a wild cool cgi action movie it was a really fun movie ro. Robert Rodriguez directed it. And so the girl looks fake. She's got big giant anime

eyes, but it's close to real. Her hair looks real and it's like, whoa, we're getting into some weird, strange gray area now. Well, especially if you think, you know, studios are always trying to cut costs and it's a matter of time until they start putting secondary characters

in as animated or whatever you call this um you know i think they should do that with children just to stop child actors oh that's yeah that's true yeah i mean because like when does a kid ever come out of that okay i mean how many of them come out of it okay dude i just re-watched the shining recently and that kid in the shining got fucked up apparently from being around that i mean if you if you watch the movie again you there are moments where you go like how could you have done this to a kid how could this kid have been exposed to this insanity and uh and the guy he never really acted again he and he was great do you remember how good he was in that movie he kind of of like, I think he stuck around Hollywood and he went out for stuff and he auditioned and nothing ever really happened.

I mean, this was like a major movie that he was a star of. And then I think now he's like teaching at a community college in like Oklahoma or something. His life just kind of ended. Yeah. You know what's funny? If you said, I know this guy. He teaches at a community college in Oakland. You'd be like, oh, okay.

Or Oklahoma, whatever. You'd be like, oh, okay. Guy's got a good job. Right. But if you're like, oh, he used to be a movie star, and now his life's over. He teaches at a community college somewhere in Oklahoma. That's true. It's weird.

It's like once someone is, it's almost like we know that this guy did something that no one gets to do. He was starring in a movie. So to do a thing that everybody can, or that some people do, you know, a regular job, like, oh, my cousin, he's a professor at a community college. Oh, normal guy, normal job. That's a regular job. Not a movie star though.

It's weird. Like we, like you, you would not feel bad if you found out a guy was a professor at normal job that's a regular job not a movie star though it's weird like we like you you would not feel bad if you found out a guy was a professor at a college somewhere yeah no normal job but a guy who used to be a movie star as a child and is now a professor like oh his life's over yeah weird yeah meanwhile like was that life you know day to, was that a good life for him? I mean, that movie shot for like a year. Kubrick had them shoot for a fucking year.

And he was doing like apparently the take where the woman, what the fuck is her name, who was the star. She had to swing a baseball bat at Jack Nicholson while he was coming at her. Yeah. And they shot it 158 times. It's in the Guinness Book of World Records for the most takes of one fucking shot. And he was trying to beat her down because he wanted the character to look despondent and insane. And so he very, very, you know, forcefully created that.

Shelley Duvall. Shelley Duvall. Yeah. Shelley Duvall, yeah. And she had trauma from it. To this day, she talks about the trauma she had in that movie. I was reading a story of an interview with her. She kind of vanished. Yeah. And then they were interviewing her, and she sounded insane.

Yeah. I think it pushed her over the edge. I think that movie fucked people up. Kubrick was a strange guy. Yeah, he was. You know, he would do complex mathematics in his spare time. Really? Yeah. He's like a legitimate genius. Wow. And he would put all sorts of like weird hidden meaning into all of his movies. Like a thing was never just a thing. Like there's a big

crazy conspiracy about The Shining that inside of it is all sorts of uh information that uh is it relates to the moon landing yeah yeah like yeah the room the room in the hotel it was room 127 and the moon is 127 000 miles from the earth or something no it, it's like 237. Yeah, whatever it was. The moon is, yeah, the moon is like 200, I think it's room 237, right? Yeah, 237. That's the documentary on it. The moon is, well, it depends on what time of the year and where, but it's between 237 and 265,000 miles away. Well, and they say that he directed the fake movie about the fake moon landing. Well, that's the big conspiracy theory.

What is the thing in the circle with the Jack Nicholson picture there? Oh, there's a- The coffee. What does it say? It's the coffee. It might be the coffee. Calumet. Calumet?

What does that mean? What is Calumet? Calumet. And then the other one, you go up, scroll up, you see the circles, there's rockets on the wall. Uh-huh. Sort of. Sort of. That is, there's rockets on the wall. Uh-huh. Sorta. Sorta.

That is, that is, whatever that is. Yeah. Strange. Yeah, but he was into weird shit. I mean, he was a legitimate genius. Yeah. Eyes wide shut, that's another fucking strange movie. He did a lot of strange movies, man.

Yeah, he did. Did he do Clockwork Orange, was that him? Yeah, that was Kubrick. Jesus, that was... Full Metal Jacket documentary. That whole thing they shot in London. Really? Because he wouldn't leave his home. Really?

So they made the second half of the movie supposed to be in Vietnam, in some area in part of England. Really? Yeah. Wow. He wouldn't leave London. Fuck you, I'm staying here.

But the movie's supposed to be in the middle of the jungle. Yeah. Well, it's right here. Here's the jungle. Fuck off. Right. Damn. He did some wild-ass fucking movies, though, man.

Yeah, he did. 2001. This conspiracy theory about him directing the moon landing was that he was doing it at the same time he was doing 2001. So because he was faking this space movie, 2001 A Space Odyssey, that they used him to fake the moon landing footage. And there's a fake documentary, not a real documentary, but a fake, like a mockumentary where he's admitting and people are talking about. Have you seen that one? No, but that makes sense.

Yeah, a lot of people are like, dude, you didn't even know. There's an actual real interview with him where he admits that he faked the moon landing. But it's not. Yeah. It's fake, but it's. Were you ever in the camp of the moon landing was fake? For years. Yeah.

Yeah. It's one of my favorite all-time conspiracies because it's so strange that we never went back. I abandoned it because I don't know anything about astrophysics or space travel or any of that stuff. And the people that do think it's real. So I'm like, okay, well, most likely- They think the landing really happened. But there's so many weird things to it. There's so many. There's so many weird things with the photographs. And there's like intersecting shadows that indicate different light sources. There's all sorts of weird. The flag waving. Yeah, it's weird shit, man. There's a lot of weird shit.

The fact that this is the only time in human history that something is not cheaper, easier, and faster to replicate than it was in 1969. Between 1969 and 1972, there was seven trips, six successful, where they went to the moon and back. And every space flight since then has been like near Earth orbit. You know, everything is like, you know, just a few miles up. They don't go like they did then i mean i

think everything since then is like 300 miles every human travel you know like space shuttles and stuff like that they never go that far yeah they never go into deep space and come back the only time they came back was during the moon landings in the 60s when they were lying about everything the thing is like nixon was president back then. It's so romantic to think. Bombing Cambodia. It's so romantic to think that they faked it. Also, here's another reason. If you watch the post-flight press conference,

and again, I'm not saying that this is actually what's happening, but it seems completely like they're full of shit. When they come back, it seems like they're lying and they're nervous. And they asked them about the stars. And again, I'm not on the camp that they faked it. But there was Buzz Aldrin, Neil Armstrong, and Michael Collins. And Michael Collins, they asked him about stars. And in the press conference he's like

uh I don't recall seeing any stars problem with that is like Michael Collins never left the lunar module he wasn't supposed to be one of the guys that was on the surface of the moon he was up in the the craft that was circling you know those in orbit around the moon and then later when he wrote a book about it he talked about how magnificent the stars looked. So he has inconsistencies. So the hoax people point to that. They also point to the inconsistencies of the actual movement of the astronauts on the moon.

Like there's videos that make it look like they were on wires. There's videos that they fall down. Yeah, it's like the back of his suit is being pulled by something. It's weird. But again, when was the last time you saw someone in 1-6 Earth's gravity? Maybe things just look weird.

But there's a video of them where it looks like they're on trampolines. It's very strange. They're bouncing around on the surface of the moon. You can't see their feet. They're hidden behind equipment. They're just bouncing up in the air. It's fun. It's fun. It's fun to think that Kubrick faked it all.

It is. I remember because I quit drinking, God, 30 years ago or something, and I quit smoking pot for 20 years. And then I guess 20 years later I got high in Nebraska. My friend Ross Broccoli is his name. And he's a conspiracy theorist, drug head, who's a farmer. And he sat me down in front of a computer and he got

me high and showed me all this moon stuff. Pretty much everything you just said, he just kept showing me clips after clip. And I didn't fucking sleep that night. I was just laying in bed going like, this is crazy. It's on TikTok now.

TikTok is a resurgence in moon hoax, moon landing hoax talk because the kids, kids are watching TikTok videos, you know, because it's real clear, like 30 second bursts where they get to see some wild shit that looks like they didn't really land on the moon. Yeah. But it's a, it would be a fun thing to think that the government pulled the wool over everybody's eyes like that because also like when you look at the first like apollo 11 first time guys landed on the moon that was one of the first times that they didn't get a live feed like they they forced the um news cameras to film to point their cameras at a projection screen. And they got the video from that of these guys bouncing around on the moon.

It's very weird. Yeah. It's weird. It would be hilarious if it was faked. It really would be so appropriate. When you think about how strange our culture is and how strange our relationship with the truth is when it comes to like our politicians and so many things. And also one of the weirder things about the moon hoax. See if you can find this quote from Bill Clinton's book.

He's got this book. I think it's called My Life. And he talks about how when he was young, he was working on a construction site. And it was at the time where the Apollo 11 flight took place. And he was saying, isn't it incredible that people landed on the moon? And he worked with this old carpenter. And I'm paraphrasing this. I'm not exactly sure.

Maybe we could find it. Does it say here? My life. Yeah, there it goes. He goes, just a month before Apollo 11 astronauts Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong had left their colleague Michael Collins aboard spaceship Columbia and walked on the moon. The old carpenter asked me if I really

believed it happened. I said, sure. I saw it on television. He disagreed and he said that he didn't believe it for a minute that them television fellers could make things look real that weren't. Back then, I thought he was a crank. During my eight years in Washington, I saw some things on TV that made me wonder if he wasn't ahead of his time. That's a crazy thing for a president to say in a book about his life.

Not, for sure we went to the moon. He didn't say any of those things. He said, I saw some things on TV that made me wonder if he wasn't ahead of his time. So he's literally talking about the moon. Well, look at all the information that's coming out now about UFOs. And didn't Obama say something to the effect of like, he saw things when he was in office that made him question? Well, that's a completely different thing, right? Because then you're talking about suppression of information rather than a whole fake production. Right.

You know, the fake production thing is really compelling because this was also during the time of Operation Northwoods. And Operation Northwoods was a plan that was hatched out by the Joint Chiefs of Staff, signed and vetoed by Kennedy, where they were going to hoax all these attacks on the United States to get us to go to war with Cuba. They were going to blow up a drone jetliner. They were going to arm Cuban friendlies and attack Guantanamo Bay. They had this whole production laid out. And they were going to do this to try to get us to go into war with Cuba. And then you go back to the Gulf of Tonkin incident where they pretended that we got attacked.

And they had this whole thing that led us into Vietnam. It was a fake attack. So they were used to doing fake shit during the same era that they supposedly faked the moon landing. And again, I'm not saying they faked the moon landing. Because I did say they faked the moon landing and again i'm not saying they faked the moon yeah because i did say they faked the moon lane for years i argued vehemently yeah i mean yeah i was even on penn gillette's show and i argued with this astronomer and i i actually had some fucking pretty decent points unfortunately that's great. Because like Werner Von Braun, the guy who was the head of NASA, was a Nazi, like a real legitimate Nazi. He was taken from when the United States won World War II.

They took a bunch of Nazi scientists because they were very advanced, and they brought them over and hired them for NASA. It was called Operation Paperclip. It's all well documented. And Werernher von Braun was one of those Nazis. He was a legit Nazi to the point where the Simon Wiesenthal Center said that if he was alive today, they would prosecute him for crimes against humanity. He would hang the five slowest Jews in front of his rocket factory in Berlin to force people to work faster. He was an evil fuck. And he was our head of NASA. And that was the guy that we brought over to get us to the moon.

And, you know, if you pay attention to so much from that era, it makes it so desirable to think that this is, you know, that this is what happened. It's also the climate at that time with the Cold War. I mean, in terms of what the stakes were in their minds of the Russians coming ahead of us, it's completely believable that they would make that effort. They did fake some stuff, too. I'm not saying the United States did, but other people did fake some stuff back then,

like the video footage of, what is it, Yuri Gagarin, the first guy that went into space. I mean, I'm not saying he didn't go into space, but the footage of him going to space looks so fake. Because if you look at the actual capsule that he was in, it was so small. But if you look at the video footage of him in space, it looks like there's lighting in there, and it looks like the cameras, it looks like he's faking it.

It's very weird. Like, people have questioned, they haven't questioned whether or not he went into space. They believe he went into space. But the actual video footage that Russia provided to show as proof of him in that rocket, they think was pure propaganda. Well, I mean, I guess the biggest stroke against it is the fact that how many hundreds of people would have to have shut up and been complicit in this lie. Yeah, but back then there was no internet.

Even if you got it out, I mean... And people were loyal to their government jobs. They didn't talk. It's real likely the government murdered Kennedy. Real likely. Real likely. Yeah. You know, there's definitely definitely somebody did and it wasn't

just Lee Harvey Oswald. I think Lee Harvey Oswald was probably in on it too. People want to go one or the other. They want to go lone gunman or they want to go vast conspiracy. I think lone gunman, I think Lee Harvey Oswald was a patsy. He said that when they got him. He's like, I'm just a patsy. I think they were probably trying to pin He's like, I'm just a patsy. I think they were probably trying to pin it on him, but I bet he was probably involved as well. I think he was an idiot and they had him set up. He had gone back and forth to Russia multiple times, had married a Russian woman. He probably was intelligence. There was probably a guy that they had, just like this fucking Governor Whitmer thing in Michigan. You know this whole thing? There's a plot to kidnap the governor. And it was like,

oh my God, these white supremacists, these Trump supporters. Turns out 12 of them were FBI informants. 12 of them. Six defendants, 12 feds. So literally, the feds organized it. They planned it. They acted it out. They did all of the plotting and the planning and brought over some fucking idiots. And then they said, look at this plot we stopped. Bitch, you started it. No shit.

Yes. So it was a giant entrapment scheme. Exactly. And they've been doing that forever. They've been doing that forever. Who's to say they didn't do that with Lee Harvey Oswald? It's probably what they did. Yeah. Tom O'Neill needs to look into it. Oh my God, he's the best. I'm so glad. Everybody, if you know, Greg is the one who told me about Tom O'Neill, the author of Chaos. One of my favorite podcasts of all time.

No shit. Wow my god. Wow. It was incredible. Yeah, he's a guy who's you know, he was my neighbor in Little Italy for years. He lived next door to me and I knew him way before he started writing this book. Not way before, but I knew him for five or six years before he was,

before he went completely insane and chased down this story. And he is, the thing that people don't realize about when they think that, oh, he wrote a book for 20 years. Yeah, I've been working on a novel for 20 years. No, I lived next to him in Little Italy, and then I lived next to him in Venice Beach. I walked my dog every morning, and at 8 a.m.,

that motherfucker was sitting at his desk typing. And if he wasn't there, he was in a car that I gave him. I gave him a fucking volvo 240 dl that was dead i was like i go i can junk it or give it to you he would drive it into the desert for days and talk to these guys that were like x lapd that knew shit that were on their deathbeds that were finally willing to talk about how much cover-up was going on with the Manson case. Yeah. He was on it like a fucking dog on a bone for 20 years. And the result is incredible. The CIA had, this is documented without a doubt,

they had studies that they were doing with LSD. And they were doing them in prisons. They were doing them in brothels. It was a thing called Operation Midnight Climax. They did it in brothels. It was MKUltra. They did all these experiments with people, including Jack Ruby,

the guy who killed Lee Harvey Oswald. That guy, Jolly West, is that his name? Yeah. That guy went to visit Jack Ruby in jail, and Jack Ruby became completely insane after that guy visited him. And there was no reason why Jolly West would be allowed in that fucking jail cell with him. There was no protocol that would allow that guy in his position to visit a prisoner of that stature at that time. And that was the guy in the CIA that was running the LSD program.

Yep. stature at that time. And that was the guy in the CIA that was running the LSD program. And he went to visit him and then after he met him, after he talked to him, Jack Ruby went completely fucking insane. So if you're going to have a guy and you're going to have a guy kill Lee Harvey Oswald for you and you tell him listen man, don't worry about it. You're going to do this. We're going to get you off. Don't worry.

And then right after he does it, you dose the fuck out of that guy with acid. For three days. He he loses his mind. Yeah. Loses his mind. Yeah. And like completely went insane. They knew what they were doing, man.

Yeah. They ran that whole fucking free clinic in Haight-Ashbury where they were giving LSD to Manson and all the fucking family members. That place was running for decades until Tom's book come out. When Tom's book come out. When Tom's book came out, three months later, they closed that place down. Like, yep, our work here is done. Pull up the fucking stakes.

Let's get this tent out of town. Yeah. Yeah. My wife's mom went to that clinic. No shit. Yeah. She lived in Haight-Ashbury in San Francisco. She remembers that clinic.

It was like a real legit clinic. Wow. Yeah. And they were dosing people out remembers that clinic. It was like a real legit clinic. Wow. Yeah. And they were dosing people out of that clinic. Yeah. And they were providing Manson with LSD, and then they were getting Manson off every time he got arrested. Yeah. So he got arrested multiple times.

In multiple states. Yes. It was national. Yes. It wasn't one local guy. And all the sheriffs said the same thing. It's above my pay grade. Mm-hmm.

How to let him go. Yeah. It's wild. It's wild. It's wild. And you don't realize how wild it is until you get into Tom's book. It's one of the best books I've ever read and one of the best podcasts I ever did. And it was all because of you. You've never suggested anybody for a podcast before.

No. And you said, dude, you got to have this guy. Right, right. And young Jamie had listened to it and was, yeah, I mean, it's the kind of thing where there's a second book in there. I mean, he initially got a deal to put the book out, and he took so long to put it out that they sued him to get the money back. And it was a teaching English as a second language in a community college. He was Uber driving, but he kept writing it. Even though the money was gone, he kept writing it. And then all of a sudden, he got interest, but they said, if we're going to give you a deal again, we're going to give you a co-writer. And so he got—and I'm remiss in saying the guy's name,

but he paired them up, and in one one year they took thousands of pages and they collated it into one book. Oh, Dan Piperbring. Pipe and bring. Pipe and bring. Pipe and bring. Dan, change your name. That's a ridiculous name.

But they had to get rid of so much. There's another book in there. And I think there's, I can't announce it, but there is talks right now about a television or film thing happening. They absolutely should do something. But it should be a series of movies. Like a Netflix sort of deal. Docu-series. Yeah, it can't just be one.

It's too complex. Well, because it has to not only involve the Manson findings, it has to also involve Tom's journey. Yes. And how many people lied to him and how many people shut him down and he just kept coming at them. And then the prosecuting attorney who was out of his fucking mind, the prosecutor rather. What was the guy's name? Bugliosi? Yes.

Who was out of his fucking mind. Thought his wife was having an affair with the milkman and tortured the guy. Tortured the guy. Yeah. It's a crazy fucking story. Right. It's an amazing story and and tom is so good at telling it too having him on i was fucking riveted yeah and then i had already gone

through the book before i had him on so having him on and knowing all the shit that was in the book it's wild man it is so wild and that's the same time period, man. The same time period of full deception. Yeah. I mean, the government was involved in so much deception back then. Intel Pro, right? Yeah. Is that what it was? Co-Intel Pro.

Co-Intel Pro. Yeah. I mean, Operation Midnight Climax was a part of this MKUltra program, too, where they would go to brothels, and they'd have two-way mirrors, and these prostitutes would sit down with these guys who thought they were just going to get sex. And, do you want a drink? Have a drink. And they'd give them away mirrors, and these prostitutes would sit down with these guys who thought they were just going to get sex. And you want a drink? Have a drink. And they'd give them a drink, and then –

Didn't a guy jump out of a window or something? I'm sure. Yeah. I don't remember, but I'm sure. I'm sure. People kill themselves all the time when they get dosed up like that. You know? That's a crazy thing they were doing back then, man.

Really crazy. And the fact that he found all the documents that supported this, all the evidence that the CIA had done, all this stuff, all the MKUltra shit. Yeah. And it all disappeared. All the paperwork from all those years of that program just disappeared. It's crazy. Yeah. That's our government.

Yep. Just trying to keep us safe. Mm-hmm. You're here to keep modest, though, Joe. Well, to keep us safe. Mm-hmm. You're here to keep modest though, Joe. Well, not me. Tom, he did it. I know, but you highlight people like him, these voices of people that are challenging stuff. Well, it's important for people to know that what you see on the news is a show.

And that what's going on behind the scenes is real complex and it's been going on for decades and decades and decades without any oversight without any supervision and there are people like that jolly west guy like those people that are running mk ultra like the people that ran operation midnight climax they were doing that shit for years with impunity they could do whatever they wanted and they were taking a guy they were taking a guy like charles fucking manson they they treated him with lsd in prison they got him out and supplied him with lsd and taught him how to turn people into killers taught him how to get people to do whatever the fuck you want them to do. And Manson

was pretending he was doing acid with them and they were all tripping out and Manson was like steering them and leading them

and molding them. It's wild shit. And there was a murder before the Manson murders that they covered up that they knew about and they knew Manson was connected to it.

Yeah. You gotta, folks, get it. Get the book. It's really good. Or listen to the audio tape. The audio tape is fucking amazing too. The audio book. Yeah. You gotta, folks, get it. Get the book. It's really good. Or listen to the audio tape. The audio tape is fucking amazing too.

The audio book. Yeah. Have you heard any of this? About Whitey Bulger being involved in that too? No. Was Whitey Bulger's murderous life down to LSD testing by the CIA? No shit. Wow.

Notorious Boston criminal Whitey Bulger may have been driven to murder by LSD experimentation in the 1950s, according to one of the jurors who convicted him. Wow. The article said that in the trial for him that when he was in Atlanta, he had been given it over 50 times. Whoa. During the same time period. So I don't know if like Jolly West was talking to Whitey Bulger too or what.

Wow. Well, that made sense because he he was an informant yeah you know Whitey Bulger was an informant while he's murdering people which is crazy shit yeah you know Dana White the president of the UFC yeah he had to leave Boston because Whitey Bulger's thugs were trying to muscle money out of him. No shit. That's when he went to Vegas. Wow. Yeah. That guy was running organized crime in Boston. One of my students was a hitman for Whitey Bulger. Really?

When I was teaching Taekwondo. So you trained a hitman, basically. Yes. Yeah. Wow. I remember he asked me. He goes, if you're going to kill somebody, where would you hit him? What's the best place to hit someone if you're going to kill them?

I go, the neck? I go, probably the neck. He's like, yeah, I think so, the neck. I was like, oh. This is a guy that I didn't realize at the time. He wanted to be in a fucking hitman. Wow. Yeah.

Did you keep in touch with him? No, but he was in, he kept coming to classes. He would train. He was fucking serious too. He was very intense. Like, you know, wasn't like a very flexible guy. Like, you know, he wasn't like the best athlete, but you could tell like he was training with an intensity, like a guy who was probably going to use this. What was his background? I don't know. I mean, he was some kind of a fucking criminal. Yeah. But he wound up going to jail.

He did. I remember that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he got arrested. Yeah. I don't know exactly what it was for, but I think it was for murder. Shit. But I know he was a hitman.

Yeah. I mean, he just wanted to learn hand-to-hand combat while he was fucking shooting and stabbing people. Wow. Do you remember Warren McDonald's brother? George. The other brother, Kevin. Oh, right. Kevin went to jail too. That's right. He was a part of that whole thing. There was a lot of organized crime going on. Yeah. My friend Mary, her dad was a bookie for Whitey Bolliger for all those years. Yeah. He stayed on the right side of them, though. It's so wild that it was all connected.

That it might have all been connected to LSD and the CIA and the FBI. Looking through a different article in the Boston Globe, there's another attorney that says he would have used that for a defense for Bulger if they'd have known it, but it came out later in letters he was writing to this juror. So maybe that means it's not necessarily true. Maybe it means it is true i know that's what he said it was

when he was in uh his first stint in jail in atlanta he was given it so maybe it was like the same thing they were doing with other prisoners i think they did they probably did that with a lot of prisoners they did it with manson why would we ever believe that they only did it to manson especially if you get some fucking murderous organized crime leader and you got him in jail and you know he's some piece of shit killer. Yeah. Let's see what happens. Well, didn't it start over in

Vietnam? Wasn't it they were using it to depro... I think there were prisoners of war that had come back. Maybe it was from the Korean War, actually. Yeah, it was the Korean War. And they had come back and I think was from the Korean War, actually. Yeah, it was the Korean War. And they had come back, and I think they were deprogramming them from they had been brainwashed by the Koreans

to give false statements to the press talking about the U.S. Really? There it is. Brainwashed. New book on interrogation during the Korean War sheds light on how the 20th century imagined prisoners of war. Wow. Yeah, so they used that same methodology, and the FBI said, well, we can create war machines. We can use LSD and these techniques to create soldiers that'll do exactly what they're told and have no conscience.

Well, Greg, we cracked it. They faked the moon landing. We did it! They faked the moon landing. They created Whitey Bulger and Manson. That's our government. Cheers. Tom O'Neill's going to write a new book about all of it.

Yeah. Well, I do really hope that they do some sort of a Netflix series. I think that would be fucking amazing. Let's bring this home, young Greg Fitzsimmons. Can I give you some dates? Yeah, please do. All right, I'm going to be coming to you people August 6th and 7th. I will be at Bananas in Rutherford, New Jersey.

And then I'm going to be coming to, I mentioned Golden, Colorado. After that, Grand Rapids, Michigan, August 19th through 21. At the, oh, there we go. That's much easier. Punchline in Sacramento. Great fucking club. September 16th through 18th. Yeah.

I fucking love that place. That Punchline in Sacramento is classic. Yeah. Classic place. Yeah, it's fun. Go see Greg. He's fucking hilarious. Sunday Papers is the podcast with Mike Gibbons.

Every Sunday we rip through the Sunday Papers section by section it's blowing up it's getting big it's funny you and Mike together are great too because you're such good friends it's great we have a blast and then Fitz Dog Radio and Childish my other two podcasts

staying busy that's it goodbye everybody God bless praise Odin Staying busy. Staying busy. Yeah. That's it. Goodbye, everybody. God bless. God bless. Praise Odin.