The Joe Rogan Experience - #169 - Brian Redban, Doug Benson, Bert Kreischer, Ari Shaffir, Jason Gillearn

Episode Date: December 24, 2011

Joe sits down with Brian Redban, Doug Benson, Bert Kreischer, Ari Shaffir, and Jason Gillearn.

It's the Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. We're sitting here drinking, I think it's cognac, is that what it is? I don't know what it is, man, it's intense. Brought to me by the Armenians. The Armenians are some bad motherfuckers. Yeah. what it is man it's intense by the armenians the armenians are some bad motherfuckers yeah the armenians who train with ronda rousey they brought over uh some uh some delicious cognac and it's

perfect for our second anniversary show manny garberian shout out to my man manny and and go car and all those people over there and of course carol parisian armenians are some fun people that's one of the cool things about ethnicities you that you get to meet some people just as a group that are different than your normal white people. Armenians are way more fun than your normal white people. I got my hair cut today by one. I think we've talked about how scary that is. Yo, this shit is flashing in my face and freaking me out.

Can we not have this? This is the worst way you could ever hold a conversation. Oh, okay. Sorry. Dude, I can't see. Like right now, I'm looking at Pac-Man just out of my eyeballs. It's like he burned it into my fucking retina. That's funny.

What are you playing behind me, man? Tetris? Remember Tetris? It's Tetris. It's actually, I have a great idea. There's all these lasers in this room now. Imagine also projecting the old school 80s asteroids mixed into it. That would be very cool.

Not Tetris. I didn't mean Tetris, though. You know what I meant? Simon Says. Remember the game where it was so stupid? It was like one color and then another color, and you had to keep up with the color. You had to remember it and then relay exactly how it did the beats. That's how desperate we are for games

back then yeah who gives a fuck if you get that right you know it's frustrating for me i don't like it did you think they ever had like competitions oh i'm sure what was it called again simon says what simon says yeah do you think they had simon says competitions oh i'm sure they have because they have like rubik's cube competitions simon said says seems like that the the winner would be interesting because there's only really so many, like you've talked about it before, how many numbers

or names you can keep in your head. That's the same way as Simon Says. That's how many things you can remember in a row or short-term memory. There has to be

a cut-off number. I don't think that's how many names you can remember. I think they say how many semi-intimate relationships you can have. Not even just have knowledge of someone.

Have them in your head. There's people that I like completely forgot about. And then someone will bring it back. And it's like someone dusts off the file and hands it to me. And then I can start going through, oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. And, you know, and then all of a sudden these memories are now available again.

But like my brain was ready to get rid of them. You know, my brain was ready to go. We don't need that there. You can only remember so much. You can only remember so many people. You can only remember so many names, so many things you've done. At a certain point in time, it's like, why are you even accessing this memory? You know, you've got to be concentrating on your own life right now, stupid.

Stop living in the past. It's almost like it won't let you have access to it just to you know just to keep you fucking moving forward so you don't sit around like a dumb monkey thinking about every moment that ever happened ever in your life and make second guesses left and right you know if you if you were if you had access to every memory that you ever had how many people would just obsess at every fucking single mistake they've ever made and why they made it and you know just go over the the whole list of every fucking step it'll be really hard to ignore like the way to move on and ignore it is just kind of forget about it that's like the best way like if you had a troubled past if you know you were like a drunk and a fucking loser and you know

you hit your girlfriend or something and you've reformed yourself from that make wouldn't it be awesome if those memories just dissolved when you were actually reformed? Once you've actually become reformed, once you've actually paid your debt, wouldn't it be great if you didn't have to think about that anymore? If you learned your lesson and you just like... If you could delete it from your head completely. Yeah, I want to delete that from my hard drive.

Can I delete that? That definitely seems like that's going to be in the future. That would probably be a lot. Hacking your brain. People would say, you know, I want him to remember. I want him to remember. No, don't let him delete it. And then people would say you know um i want him to remember i want him to remember no don't let him delete it and then people would have like legal battles to see if a guy you know who did some

horny horrendous crime that is ultimately incredibly sorry for could could he delete his memory of that crime right oh it'd probably you know that's a weird that would really be i'm sorry but it would be a real weird contest where we come down to punishment or reform like what are we really interested in i Are we really interested in fixing people? Or are we really interested in some retribution? What is it when someone does a crime? Yeah, they would have to have rules for it. You can't abuse it.

You could only delete if you were molested or if you... Yeah, maybe if some shit was holding you back. But then it would be like a battle for consciousness. Why can't you just delete it any way you want? I mean, you could delete it now if you just want to sniff paint all day. I mean, that's what a lot of people are doing. They're, they're, you know, they're self-medicating. Yeah.

When you get around down to certain things, there's certain things like sniffing paint. You're like, okay, really? You don't like you, when you see those pictures, there's one, there's a brilliant one on the internet of a guy with, with, I believe it's silver, silver or gold paint all over his face. All over his face. You see cops, they have it all the time. People with silver on their face. Oh, my God.

What is that guy running from? That guy's running from something deep. I don't know if it's a genetic thing. It's running from school and jobs. Teeth. Health. Well-being. He's running from all those things yeah sprinting away it'd be this it's weird man it's like there almost has to be a full spectrum of people it seems like if you just let things go hairy carry all over the fucking place if you just let

if it's not engineered it seems like human life can hit the whole spectrum from monster to saint from from angel to killer to slut to perfect person to you know i mean you could every fucking step along the way it's possible and you can meet it it's just it has to get mashed up into one crazy chaotic soup that is the human existence you know it almost seems like in order to have we all want everything to be perfect and everything to be beautiful but it's almost like in order to have these beautiful moments you have to have something contrasting it you have to have something that opposes it you have to have something that motivates it you have to have something that's it's moving against it seems almost like some sort of a grand pattern for improvement.

You know, if you looked at the human race as like something other than, you know, what we are, you looked at it as other than your friends and your neighbors and loved ones, just look at it as like an organism, like how it's working. Yeah. You know? It's almost like all these things have to be in place. You almost have to have the full spectrum of human behavior of fuck-ups and geniuses and humbling people and incredible talents and child prodigies

and lazy fucks you almost have to all have them all together it's like they all play a piece in this crazy puzzle it's just to us that's in it they're like oh look at this fat fuck who's in my way well that fat fuck like is a part of the spectrum. He's in there for a reason. Everybody is. We were at Target the other day, and this super obese old fat lady. I'm talking like maybe 70, 75. That's incredible.

Obese. Yeah, so it's like a unicorn. But she walked into Target, and she couldn't walk anymore so she like leaned on the security thing like those things you walk through when you you know it goes you know when you walk out right she leaned on and it's about to crack over like over and uh veronica was like hey do you need help ma'am and she goes no i need this place to send me a wheelchair though and so then she's like oh okay uh and then so she told like this lady like hey i think this woman needs a wheelchair and the woman's like god we're out of wheelchairs right

now because there's you know we only have 12 or something like that and so she just started to lean more and more on that security thing and it's just broken now it's just like hanging to the side but you're just like looking like these poor people at target you know they're like it's not their fault this woman is so obese and old and breaking their shit, but they can't get mad at her. Like, if I went over there and just knocked that thing over, they'd be like, all right, you owe us $400 for a new security system. You know? Well, that's an unfortunate situation just all around.

Yeah. You know, when you get someone that gets that out of hand, I don't care how old they are. That's like, wow. You know? Yeah. That's a cry for help. There's something.

I think she's already been crying enough. Yeah, I mean, that's horrendous lack of self-awareness. I don't know if you could say awareness or discipline or certainly control, control of your biology. Your biology is completely out of whack. You know, that's probably one of the worst things that could happen to a person, to just not be able to control their biology anymore. Yeah.

You know, that's devastating. To get caught up in some crazy thing where you want to eat all the time. Mm-hmm. You know, what is it? It's a fucking kink, man. It's a mental kink. It's like any other one, man. It's like the ones that make people addicted to looking at underage girls and shit like that.

Like, what the fuck is that, man? How is that broken shit still around? Like, how is that genetically even in the code? You know, how are those? It's like, you know, when you have dogs, one of the things about dog breeders is if you go to a good breeder who really cares about dogs, you can get a brilliant dog.

Because these dogs are bred to not be aggressive to people. The smart ones are the ones they want to breed and any dog that's aggressive to other dogs they don't let them breed no no crazy dogs you know everybody was cool and calm and because of that like i have one of my dogs johnny is the greatest dog he's so nice he's just a sweetheart he's smart he's not stupid he's always just likes to be around people and be friendly. Just a great dog. And I swear it's because this guy was conscientious and he thought about it. Yeah.

We can't do that with people, though. We can't treat people like dogs, unfortunately. We should be able to. That's Hitler talk, man. We should be able to, though. No, that's Hitler talk. You can't have too much control over the wave. You just got to ride it.

You got to influence it as much as possible in a positive sense. But you can't ultimately control shit like that because those people are here you know they're here you got to be nice to them try to steer them in the right direction possible if you can but they're here yeah can't keep them from fucking we're already turning into breathing nazis anyways this country that's this new this new sopa shit or this not new set sopa shit all right i don't even know it that well but what i it's an online what is it called but what i what i get from online piracy act yeah it's it's it's a way for uh you know like they can pretty much start censoring

websites so like if you have a copy written video on your website and stuff like that it's pretty much giving permission for like a third party i i, just to be able to shut it down. So what it's going to turn into, I believe, is like, you know how YouTube is the biggest Nazis when it comes to, if you have a song on there, they'll just delete your video. Or if you even have the word UFC in a title, they'll just delete the video. Yes, a lot of times.

They're very big. That's what I'm starting, that's what's going to allow the government, I I believe to do You can just pull stuff off your website And then it's like Where does it stop? Like what if I have an avatar Of Harry Potter

You know what I mean? Like on a message board Somebody uses Can they say Hey that's a copywritten image You know This is almost all Because of the Hollywood

Yeah This is all because of movies Right This is the What justification for SOPA and Protect IP? And it says two words, rogue sites. That's Hollywood's term for websites that happen to be located in a nation more hospitable to copyright infringement than the United States. In fact, the U.S. is probably the least hospitable jurisdiction in the world for such an endeavor. Because the target is offshore

a lawsuit against the owners in a u.s court would be futile so that's what they're doing so that's what what it is is you you we have a problem with sites that can start just fucking showing movies and and yeah but does it stop just that movies or tv shows and well i mean if this is what they're saying there there is something to that that makes sense, that you shouldn't be able to steal people's shit. I agree with that, but do you also agree that, like, what the... I certainly don't agree with anybody getting

any more control than they already have. Let me just state that right away. I don't think they should... I don't think... It's a slippery slope and you start... The internet is free and the internet is supposed to be free and why it's so beautiful and why so much has come out of it and why it's so hospitable you know to to to us to this generation to the people that grew up with it to the people that recognize that it's changed the whole fucking world man it's changed our reality it changed our perceptions our connections

the internet being free is what made this whole thing happen the way it's happening right now and understandably the powers that be are not happy about that so if they can give in to the whims of hollywood or whatever in order to you know protect themselves and on the other hand though i think that people should be fucking prosecuted too i feel like there should be some sort of a law without some sort of a sweeping justification like this there should certainly be a way to keep someone from stealing someone's material a common sense movie or if it's a pay-per-view fight whether it's ufc or boxing or a wwe event i think there should be laws there should be laws that keep people from streaming that shit there should be a way they could stop

that because that is theft but there's a there's a difference between that and the freedom of just to be able to distribute information especially information like little YouTube clips or something like that. Like you might link it in a blog. Like what if you link something in a blog? Like say if you had a YouTube clip where there's a great scene in the movie The Shining and you use this great scene as a point in your blog. And it's sort of like this scene, The Shining. This is what i felt like at that moment well if you have that in your blog what if it's just you know embedded from

you youtube does it is that still count can they can they fucking pull you i bet they can yeah that's why i'm saying this this law it seems like it's almost like a seat belt law like this is just letting them get the power to do whatever the fuck they want to meaning like it might be be, you might think of it like, oh no, they're only going to go after you if you're like fucking streaming fucking Goodfellas 2 on your website. Yeah, but you can't give them that door because they're going to alter it from then. Well, then it could be any other crime. And then it could be, you know, conspiracy to commit crime or being involved in medical marijuana, which is federally illegal.

Things can get real slippery. Yeah. And it really depends on who's spreading the right money in the right direction. This crazy, corrupt, fucking wackadoo system we got going on here. Did you hear about Good Daddy? We're a fucking gigantic banana republic. That's what we are, bro. We are just selling our ass to the highest bidder over and over and over again.

And I guess the highest bidder right now is Hollywood. Yeah, did you hear about GoDaddy? What happened to them? What are they doing? highest bidder over and over and over again. And I guess the highest bidder right now is Hollywood. Yeah. Did you hear about GoDaddy? What happened to them? What are they doing? This is, you know, this is so amazing that,

that nowadays like anonymous, I feel safer that, that anonymous is, exists than our own government right now, because this is a perfect example of how awesome. More a conscience. It's more in tune with mine. Yeah,

absolutely. And yours. Absolutely. So, so what happened is, is GoDaddy's put on their website yesterday that they support SOPA, this new law that's going to do all this crap. And I guess there's like 150 big corporations that do, mostly probably Hollywood and stuff like that.

Anyways, so everybody, they started, like people on the internet, through anonymous and through the websites and community, they started transferring their domains and, and, and registers out of go daddy to like other different companies because of this. And they got such a huge hit that today go daddy said, uh, you know what?

We changed our mind. We're, we, we, we, uh, we're whatever the internet wants. And,

and, uh, and they deleted the old thread. They deleted the old thing off their website. They did the new one. And. Holy shit. And they deleted the old thread. They deleted the old thing off their website. They did the new one. Holy shit. Yeah. That's amazing.

That's incredible. Yeah. That's a beautiful moment. Yeah, and it was so fast. I mean, here's a really disturbing, sorry to interrupt you, but here's a really disturbing comment from Verizon. It said, Verizon continues to look at SOPA, and while it's fair to say that we have concerns about the legislation,

we are working with the congressional staff to address those concerns, a representative told us. I don't like the way that sounds. Verizon's one of the biggest supporters of this, and that's already been noted. We've talked about this before where I said, you know, that's one of the reasons that I fucking jumped ship off of Verizon. So AT&T doesn't?

Because Tim McCollin, an AT&T executive vice president of the Federation, said we have been supportive of the general framework of the Senate bill. When it comes to SOPA, all AT&T would say is that it is working constructively with Chairman Smith and others towards a similar end in the House. So it sounds like they're supporting it too. Yeah, but also, don't you remember google and uh google and verizon remember teamed up uh i think listen i think they have to i think if i owned a big corporation i would definitely feel differently if i own the ufc i

would feel differently i'm look i want to be real clear i think you know when you fucking steal someone's stream off you know a pay-per-view and somehow or another you get that shit out into the internet man that's you're you're fucking people out of money and that's not fair you're not supposed to be doing that that's that's clearly doing something that's shitty you know you're stealing but but there's a big difference between that like yes you should stop that but you know what you shouldn't do you shouldn't give anyone the ability to just start shutting down websites you shouldn't give anyone the ability to decide what they think is offensive or what they think is dangerous to the country. Whatever the fuck that means.

You know, that's all they need to see. They need to see something along those lines on top of the online piracy. And it's just once the doors open, man, once you let the vampire in the house, didn't you see Fright Night? No. It's good. It's pretty good. The new one, it's pretty fucking pretty fucking good with the handsome irish bloke what's his name i don't know i don't even know what that movie is his name what the fuck's his name the guy he had a sex tape a while back with billy hot black girl who was in playboy uh colin mcferrell is

that his name oh yeah yeah he's the vampire badass vampire it's a good fucking movie man it didn't get any credit it's a fun movie i mean it's not trying to be citizen really? Badass vampire. It's a good fucking movie, man. It didn't get any credit. It's a fun movie. I mean, it's not trying to be Citizen Kane, but it's a fun fucking vampire movie. Shit. I liked it. I enjoyed it. That's because it's the second anniversary. Yeah, dude.

It's so crazy. It's been two years from this shit. Well, it's definitely changed. Look at us now. We've got a fucking studio here. Yeah. Got a real place got a real place yeah good cameras all up in this bitch got fucking lasers got our nasa shirts back though these lasers could be frying my eyeballs bro how do you even know are these safe yeah they're safe lasers dude if i lose my vision i swear to god i'm gonna fucking hit you it's gonna slowly help your vision what really yeah it's gonna shave off

a little one by one wow uh there's there's a new app you have to download it's free i i've fucking been going i don't know if you've been watching my twitter lately no but it is the most amazing thing the guys that do bad robot that did lost uh they have a new app and it's called it's free action movie and what they did is they got together with skywalker sound and a couple of like like real video movie people and they have these things where you just record something and like like I've been doing it with my cats and dogs and then like your dog sit there and suddenly a helicopter will come in like Realistically and then crash on your dog blowing your dog up and then like like like movie shit. It's amazing, dude I'll show you I'll show you one here. I'll show you one right now. That's incredible. Oh, it's called action movie

It's free. It's called Action Movie? It's free. It's called Action Movie. And why did they do this? They just did this for fun? Because there's some advertising in it. And then you can buy extra scenes. Like, no, I want missiles. Well, you would think if someone could come up with something like Angry Birds.

I mean, I don't play Angry Birds because I have a real fear of anything that's addictive. And all I hear about that thing is Angry Birds is so addictive. Angry Birds is so addictive, Angry Birds is so addictive. But, I mean, if you can come up with something brilliant like that, that's really the way to make money. Come up with your own, and then get advertising on it. And then advertisement, you know, get it X amount of dollars per whatever downloads you can get,

and that's like a legitimate way of putting shit out now, right? Yeah, it totally is. Well, look at Louis C.K. Louis C.K. made. Oh, yeah, let's talk about that. He already made $1 million. First of all, it's so inspirational. Not just that.

It's other shit that he said. Afterwards, he gave a bunch of it away, man. Yeah. He gave like. He's only keeping a quarter of it so far. But what he forgot. Well, the money's still coming in. Yeah, but what he forgot to do is like to take out tax because that's probably going to be like what, 40% of that million dollars?

Well, no, because not if he doesn't take it as payment. You know, if he gives it away in charity, it actually doesn't have to pay as much. But what I love is his attitude about it. It was a really fascinating attitude. And this is a real attitude. This isn't a guy like pretending to be like super thoughtful. You know, he said something like really selfless. He said, I never thought of it as my money. And this is a real attitude. This isn't a guy pretending to be super thoughtful. He said something really selfless.

He said, I never thought of it as my money. I just thought of it as the money. It's like a resource. And you got it. You got to just put it right back into work. And I remember I read that. I was like, wow, what a brilliant statement. And what a great representation of who he is.

He's such an interesting guy, an interesting thinker. He really puts his money where his mouth is. That's a stupid statement, but I have to say it. You know what I mean? I mean, that's really what he did. I mean, that's a beautiful thing. He really is that weird dude. He's one of my favorites of all time right now. I can't wait to get him on a podcast someday.

Yeah, I'll have to ask him. I always avoid asking him because i know how busy he is and i know he's i mean he does his own show dude he fucking edits it he films it and he edits it i mean i would love to sit down and talk to him about the process but he's so crazy that he won't even do it on like a big mac he has like a 13 inch lap well that might be old i don't know that's what he said he probably has a fucking well i'm sure he has it but that's not the point. I think he could always afford it, dude.

He was always making plenty of money before that. I mean, Louie's been a big-name national headliner for years. It was never like he had an issue of hoarding a good laptop. He just wants to do it on his laptop for some crazy reason. Check this out. I did this on my phone. Watch this. Watch the TV right there.

Is this the action movie thing? Yeah. Oh, shit. I just killed my cat. Wow, that is fucking crazy. Yeah, and I did a whole bunch of Stitcher radio. Oh, dude, we shouldn't tell people about this. Why?

Because then people are going to take videos of their ex-girlfriends and then do that and then put that shit online. So that's cool. How disturbing would that be? Check check this one out you don't even listen to me you fuck check this one you listen you don't think that that's disturbing no it's so fake watch thanks guys everyone check out stitcher isn't that cool um yeah it's like kind of the same joke, though, over and over again. Here's something. We're going to blow it up.

Here's something. We're going to blow it up. So you think people are going to use their ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends? For sure. Blow the fuck out of them. Make a video of them getting missiles shot in their head? Why wouldn't you? Like this?

There's a lot of people that want to do that. Like this? You know what we have? Oh, she's hot. Oh, no, dude dude that's bullshit she acted that's total bullshit that's stupid why'd you play that how dare you brian how dare you on our second anniversary so let's get back to this crazy sopa thing man you know have you looked into it because i have not and you know everything i'm saying is just, I don't know the words of the legislation.

I don't know how it's written. But what I do know is it's very dangerous to give people or give the government the option to go into your shit and shut things down. Just to have that door open, in my opinion, that shouldn't be the case. It should be, you know, aggressive prosecution of people who violate the current laws. I'm for that. But what I'm not for is anybody having the ability to shut your shit off.

Yeah, or censor your shit. Imagine your website, like you put a video of Fear Factor on there, like on the front page, and they're like, oh, the copyright, bam, your website's gone, sorry, you can't have another website. I've had shit yanked off of YouTube

that was my own work. Yeah. My own work. You know, my own clips from one of my specials I put up, and it got yanked down for copyright infringement. And that's when I really felt like a little hooker. I was like, wow, look at this. I don't even own my own jokes anymore.

I can't even take a clip and say, hey, you know, this is from my last CD. Here it is. I can't let you watch that clip. It's not up to me anymore. They pull it down. They knew it was my fucking YouTube page, I think. Maybe. Unless they just have a bot.

That's just it. What if they start doing that? The first time, if they ever start censoring the internet, that pretty much makes it North Korea. They're pretty much controlling us like that. I think we get more electricity and you can eat well i mean that's the first step of being like yeah country well everything seems to be moving in that direction well the real issue with this country is that people are really worried right now and you know the economy in a lot of parts is uh is based on some crazy shit that nobody understands. And when it all starts fucking falling apart, people get nutty. And if it continues to fall apart and then gets

to some really chaotic state where the resources and the money and the, you know, it all doesn't match up right anymore. And the whole thing needs to be reevaluated and it causes a massive, massive state of turmoil. People are going to want to be able toevaluated and it causes a massive uh massive state of turmoil people are going to want to be able to control people and that's what's going on right now as the shit was when everything was great you know in the 90s when clinton was in office and the economy was booming you know you never worried about the military on your streets you that wouldn't even come into your head you'd be like what who the fuck is gonna have tank no no no no people are generally good in this country you know before that timothy mcveigh thing happened everybody was like what an american

terrorist killing americans really no this is generally a pretty prosperous nation things are generally going well for us but i think in this day and age man in this day and age, man, in this day and age, the more people lose faith in the honesty of their representatives, the more people lose faith in the way the system is set up, the more it's likely there's going to be some sort of unrest. And the fact that that's coinciding with all these new laws and new bills that are being passed that are completely unconstitutional, that are completely against what this whole country is supposed to be started from. It's such a mad dash for power. And so obvious the ones in charge are willing to really pervert the Constitution to bend to their current will, because they're worried about losing power. Because it seems like people are just lining up in the streets, hundreds of thousands at a time. and when that doesn't get resolved it has to end somehow how's it gonna end how's it gonna end they're gonna they're gonna keep piling onto the streets and what well we've got to figure out a way to bring tanks into the equation you know we got to figure out a way to bring helicopters

and tear gas and fucking sound machines that make it impossible for you to breathe yeah we've got we got to do some some crazy shit that really should be terrorist shit. And this is how every country that's losing power ultimately gets. Nobody ever just gives up power. Nobody ever goes, all right, you guys are, listen, you're making some really good points. I've been a really shitty representative, and I know I got cited for 40 different house ethics violations. But I want to be the king. Come on. Come on, guys. I know I fucked up. No, those conversations never take place. Because everybody who wants to run things is absolutely confident they should be the one

running it. And everybody that's running it is absolutely confident that they should be the one who continues to run it. And they don't want to give up that fucking throne. They don't want to give it up. And they're willing to pervert the very foundation of what this country is supposed to be all about. Liberty and justice for all. And Benjamin Franklin said it best. He who would give up liberty for security deserves neither. And that's where we're at. deserves neither. And that's where we're at. We're at a terrible, terrible point where the system is inadequate for the information that's available. People are too smart now. The world is aware. You can't have your crazy lobbyist special interest group set up. It's nonsense. It's crazy.

And it seems like some people are bribing you to do some shit the rest of us don't want to do. Well, guess what? Now, because we have this thing called the Internet, the rest of us get to let you know exactly how you feel. We get to say exactly how we feel for the first time in human history, and we don't like this. And that's why there's hundreds of thousands of people in the streets. It doesn't have to be for one specific reason that you can nail down in an intellectual debate with you know some fucking guy on c-span it doesn't have to be that it is an obvious sentiment that is the it's the the nature of the being is revolting it's like something fighting

cancer those people are like white blood cells they don't know what the fuck they're doing but they know they're supposed to gather where this part is sick. Amen, sister. That's what's going on, man. Salute. Cheers. The R-Miles. How badass is Ronda Rousey, huh?

Yeah. Cool chick, man. I fell in love. I know you did. I saw you fade. I saw you fade into Lovesville. Well, you know, it's weird being around a girl like that You're very

I got very intimidated That girl would fuck you up I know I got intimidated Like I didn't even want to She might be able to tap me man I'm scared I wouldn't want to roll with her

Right I would hate it if Ronda Rousey tapped me Most girls I meet though Like if Like that come to a podcast Or if I meet in person Like even if I don't know them If I like hung out with them

For like five or ten minutes I'd be like Alright good seeing you Give them a hug Like I don't know why I automatically go for a hug when it comes to girls. Yeah, we all do. It's a friendliness. But with her, I was like, well, here you go.

And I put out my hand. And she goes, you can have a hug. Come on. Yeah, you didn't want her to get those double underhooks. That's instinctual. You didn't want her to fucking harigoshi your ass. That was cool with all the different terms. I knew Uchimata and harigoshi, and I often used them wrong.

You know, and she seemed like she was just like a cool surfer chick almost. Well, you know what she is, man? She's like a winner, you know, and winners come in all sorts of weird different forms, but they always have one thing they have in common. They're always exceptional in some way, shape, or form. She's got an exceptional brain, you know. Like, you know, this girl's only like 24 years old, man. You know, and she could totally hang in any sort of conversation.

Yeah, she says like a lot. So what? So do you. You know, people say like a lot sometimes. You know, it's a version of uh. You know, I understand. And people got upset about that. Like, she didn't like every other word.

But yeah, but what did she say, though? What was what she was saying? She said some pretty cool fucking interesting shit. You know, can you imagine growing up a pretty girl doing judo traveling around the world with your badass judo mom who was a fucking you know who was going to college while she was raising you and competing on the olympic judo team and fucking people up the first person ever to win a gold medal from the united states for judo it would be like dating a superhero the closest you can get to dating a gold medal from the United States for judo? It would be like dating a superhero. The closest you can get to dating a superhero.

It's terrifying for you. Yeah. That would be a total role reversal from damaged girls. Do you think you could go from a girl who's like sort of a shy, demure girl to a girl that could just fucking hip toss dudes on their heads? I don't know. Do you think you could handle that? I don't know because they probably have their own kind of reason why that they, you know, it's like a stripper or like a comic.

You know, they all have their reason to why they want to be an ass kicker, you know, or why they want to. Right. Well, I think she most certainly was influenced by her mother. I mean, her mother was a fucking super badass. Who is it? Who is it? Why do you have to lock it up? Oh. Doug Benson. Doug Benson and Ari Schaffer. Welcome, gentlemen. Who is it?

Doug Benson Doug Benson and Ari Schaffer Welcome gentlemen, we're in the middle of our second anniversary podcast What's up brother? This is NASA, I work for NASA Not really, don't sue me Have a seat, boys This is our second anniversary podcast What's up, Dougie Poose?

Two years ago What up buddy? how are you my brother i don't know this is the full fucking podcast network of friends here folks everybody's got a podcast if you don't know doug benson has doug loves movies a fucking awesome podcast that i was on many years before i ever even started my podcast and doug's the shit as always and of course ari shafir has a podcast too a Ari Shaffir is the skeptic tank and you can get all that shit on iTunes for freezies except sometimes

Doug Benson gets crazy greedy and wants like a dollar. And dudes want to rape your mother for that. Give me two dollars. I want your two dollars. Is that what you asked for? Dollar 99. Do you feel bad now that you found out that Louis C.K. sold his whole special for five bucks? Because that's a fucking a fucking goddamn he made a lot of money and then it's brilliant

and he's so smart with the uh the whole and i'm giving this much of it back to charity like everybody just loves him he's awesome yeah that's a lot of money back to charity he couldn't be a cooler human being yeah that's also such a windfall that he wasn't necessarily expecting i mean the man already has a TV show and sold out concert tours. A million bucks in 10 days. That was just like an extra little... I love how he's being so open about all the numbers. I don't tell people shit.

Yeah, he's being crazy open with the numbers. But that's his whole thing is just how honest he is in every aspect of his everything. No, he's awesome. He's an inspirational guy. I'm really glad he's around. 200,000 people got that in 10 days. Yeah, in just 10 days. And by the way,

that fucking thing's going to sell for years. That could be something he could live in some castle in the fucking island. He's going to sell it to Comedy Central or HBO at the end of it, too, I'm sure. You think so? Yeah, put it out to everybody else.

Maybe. Yeah, why not? As long as it's still available the way he does it. Comedy Central used to buy HBO specials. Or he might not do shit and just keep it on that website forever and that's the only place to get it from ever it's him

my TV is now linked up to the internet this is the first TV that I've ever had it's linked up to the internet I fucking love it I got Apple TV you know what it is I only watch Hulu now and Netflix and I'm like about to cancel cable if Hulu can get local channels

then i'm done i i don't need any more cable tv what do you mean hulu have network shows they have network shows they don't have them all but guess what just like netflix i'll take whatever i can get no no like if netflix has something no i don't give a shit about torrents anymore i'm doing it legally now like i'm like looking at netflix and going all right uh this documentary actually seems interesting i'll watch it. But before, it was just I only watched Family Guy. I only watched Knight Rider. Doesn't Hulu only have the last four episodes of certain shows?

They have full seasons of shows. Dude, I fucking love Hulu. I know I went to try to Battlestar Galactica on there, and they were like, nah, we got three episodes a season. Did you go to iTunes? No, Hulu. Did you go to Netflix after that? Dude, Apple TV. No, just download it all. It's this little tiny thing. It's only like $100, whatever it is. It's the shit.

It's one of the best little inventions. It has so many documentaries on it, too, like amazing documentaries. Really? Even Jens Pulver's Driven was on that, a really kind of obscure documentary, a real low-budget documentary about former UFC lightweight champion Jens Pulver, a bad one. And that's what Netflix? no yeah Apple TV

it's fucking amazing Doug I've watched Super High Me probably six times on Netflix that's an easy background movie like if I'm hanging out smoking weed what a compliment how many times have you watched it Doug? do you get paid every time somebody

watches it on Netflix or Do you even know? No. No, the accounting on that movie has become extremely fuzzy, and there's potential litigation. Well, that was what Louis C.K. was frustrated by. Louis C.K. said that he never saw any sort of rewards check. What's the word? Not rewards.

Residuals. Never saw any residuals. Never saw any payments. From what? Yeah what and you know they're continuing to his dvds they're creating all these revenue streams for this product and then they just do some fancy numbers they just do some tricky math where they just explain to you oh we didn't you know we spent so much when we get into profit yeah like you only get a percentage of the profits and it's just a it's just a ridiculous percentage. And in the case of Super Jaime, it got sold.

One distributor sold it to another. So then now there's a, well, it's like, well, then who's supposed to pay us? How are we supposed to get money from every time somebody watches it or whatever? And the G4 network plays the shit out of it. They play it constantly. And yeah, I don't see any money for that. It's a good exposure. What I really love what And yeah, I don't see any money for that. It's good exposure. What I really love what Louis did, Louis really set the price too.

It's five bucks now. You can't charge more than that. You can't charge more than that. I mentioned to other people, they're like, we should all do that. Charge 20 bucks for totally mixed money. I'm like, nope. He's charging five. Yeah, you'd move a few.

You'd move some. You know, like that's the thing. Like my $2 podcasts, like they sell, but it's not like I'm making millions like that. Pull those down, Doug Benson. Be free. Let the internet enjoy freedom. Do whatever you want to do. Ari Shaffir thinking about selling his podcast.

I'm not going to. I don't need to. But no advertising? Yeah. Who's your sponsor? Like everybody else, adult companies. AdamandEve.com. Oh, that's cool.

So when did they start sponsoring you? Last week. Powerful shit here. You have to do your own accounting? You're going to go to jail. You're going to not pay your taxes. You're going to go right to the poker. Oh, yeah.

I usually pay them. Usually? That's smart. I can see how you should feel, like having a fucking stack of bills sitting in the corner that you're supposed to go through. Oh, I definitely have that.

I pay late fees. But then taxes is optional, right? Some years you don't get around to it. It's cool. Powerful Bert Kreischer. This is our second anniversary podcast show. Come sit down, brother. Joe never stops podcasting. Joe and Brian

have podcastings happening every minute of the day. I saw Doug at the improv last night. That's what you said. You know, like, it seems like such a waste not to be able to fucking do something. Yeah, no, that was, you know, it was an okay time last night over there,

but we didn't get to podcasts. We just stood around in the hall talking to each other. Yeah. In between our sets. And not recording it. Yeah, not recording it. Like, why bother to have a conversation if it's not being podcast? Well, not recording it. Like, why bother to have a conversation if it's not being podcast?

Well, I'm glad you guys are all here during the second anniversary podcast, because you guys are, you know, amongst my favorite podcast guests ever. Do you have a second anniversary song, Brian? Yes. Second anniversary! Second anniversary! That sounds good. But two years ago, tomorrow, we started this fucker.

Started the podcast? With a laptop. Yeah. And snowflakes. Now we got lasers, bitch. Two years got lasers. Is this part live streaming? We're advanced, son.

Is this live streaming also? Yeah, but this is Joe Rogan podcast. And then we're going to do the Ice House later. Yeah, it's crazy. I saw Joe tweet at like 8 o'clock, podcast is starting, bitches. And I was like, Brian told me 9 o'clock. Yeah. It's crazy. I saw Joe tweet at like 8 o'clock, podcast is starting, bitches. And I was like, Brian told me 9 o'clock. Yeah. It's fine.

We expected everybody to show up later. With the holiday traffic. We just figured that once we get talking, everybody just join in and just whatever. It was a lot easier getting here tonight than the night when the day when that guy went nuts on Vine with the gun. Oh, my God. I heard that was the worst traffic in the road.

Isn't that scary that just an earthquake can cause that times a million. Yeah. You know, you're going to be stuck where you're at. That seems completely right. So you better have guns and water. Like when I get arrowhead water now, it seems like you guys should do way more than one gunman.

I have one in your car. No, no, no. I have one, you know, those water dispensers. Right.

Yeah. It's like seven bucks a bottle for, for arrowhead water to deliver it to your house. I now get like two extra. Just in case. I always have two extra big jugs of water. You can't leave those outside, though. No, but you just put them in a room.

It's really important. They say that it actually gives you some sort of a weird poisonous form of estrogen. Some freaky. When you have bottles, like plastic bottles, and they have water in them, and they're sitting out in the sun. Oh, yeah. That's no good. In your car.

Yeah, apparently there's some weird leakage that gives you some, like, creepy fucking hormonal thing. It's like a form of estrogen. Yeah, you start having periods. I might be totally butchering this. Yeah, yeah, I cry at movies whenever I drink warm water. I have a bottle that's been in my car. Everything that gives you your period, Brian, is flocking to it.

Oh, I know. It just flocks towards soybeans and edamame. He starts crying when he eats edamame. But once you have the gun, what do you care about whether or not you have water? You just go get some water from somebody when you have a gun. That's why I only date girls that are bisexual. You can't do that, man. Give me your water.

You ruin the whole brothership of man thing just to get some fucking water. It should be everybody goes into cooperation mode. So why do we need guns at all then? Because there's a lot of bitches out there. Most of them are men. I saw the movie. Cooperate with me! What's the movie with John Cusack where they get them all in pods and then they

take off and they go out when the end of the world. Come on, people. I just saw this whole fucking movie. 2012? Yes. That's how it ends? They leave in pods? They made these giant Noah's Ark type fucking metal ships to survive this life I didn't see that one

I was done with that guy's movies the day after tomorrow They give a little subplot of the girl has a problem pissing her pants at the very beginning the last line of the movie is Daddy look no more pull-ups and the movie ends and i'm like are you fucking kidding me what do you mean that's the it is that she's no more she doesn't piss her pants anymore oh wow and and burt kreischer i never knew sorry i was just

gonna say burt kreischer doesn a man who never heard the word spoiler. At the very end. Right? Damn, Bert Kreischer. You told the very last fucking line of the movie. Now everybody's looking for it. Here's the deal about that movie, though. Fuck that movie.

You haven't seen it by now. It's not really a movie. Don't tell me who Kaiser Soze is. It's not a movie. What it is is an exercise in technology. It's an exercise. Look at the crazy shit we can do. This is almost happening.

At a certain point in time, it becomes like one of those rides you take at Universal that are great for 15 minutes because it's like, whoa, King Kong's really going to stomp on us. Oh, no, he doesn't. It's crazy how realistic it looks. While this fucking plane is flying there's chunks of shit falling right next to it it manages the runway is falling out underneath it as it takes off oh yeah everything's always they're just two steps ahead of certain depth

they went way past preposterous to the fucking ridiculous zone to the point where it was just you're not even making a movie stupid they got chased by a preposterous you know what they are they're like a stripper that has tits that are this big and doesn't know why nobody thinks she's hot this big 2012 that no the

fucking special effects were so stupid and unnecessary and took away from the actual movie took away from any connection you have to what's going on. It's like a girl who has unbelievable giant tits and she doesn't understand that that's gross. You're a freak. First of all, I know they're not real. And second of all, why the fuck are they that big?

What kind of crazy neurosis do you have going on in your head? And she doesn't get it. It's like that mom from that from that mtv show uh uh made and it's like i just want my mom to be normal that's the whole thing and the mom's tits to my wife gigantic tits are like so fucking bad it is like really literally preposterous now do you believe in breast reduction yeah yeah man if you were i dated a girl who had to have that yeah she had uh yeah she she had these uh scars around her nipple and underneath it. And what happened was she was just born with giant tits.

And they were always hurting her back. They would hurt her neck. And she wasn't a fat girl. So she had to do something about it. She was just super voluptuous. She was given a lot of unnecessary boners that weren't fair. They weren't fair. She didn't like it.

She didn't like all the boners. Plus, she was beautiful. She was beautiful, and she had these ridiculous tits. But when I got to them, they had already been reduced. But they still, I mean, they can recreate.

Yeah, I mean, it looks just like a breast. You just have to deal with this. Reducing looks a lot better. It's totally breast. They actually remove the nipple and then relocate it. It's really kind of crazy.

Yeah, but to women that have giant tits, it's like a... It's an affliction. Well, yeah, it is, man. You're fucked, man. It really hurts. She would tell me that her back would lock up and shit. You can't jog. Yeah, she had crazy neck pains.

And she was real athletic, too. So it really used to piss her off because she used to do a lot of different sports. And their fucking tits would hit her in the face Shit, I saw somebody walking the other day them jiggling up so hard How do you live with those you showed me a picture before my wife go get a man? Are you doing you leaving your wife out there in the wild? This is Pasadena son. She gets crazy here at night She might take her made it careful gonna bring her in here full careful Bert Kreischer, all right

I've never seen his wife. I don't think. You can't bring her into the jungle. You're not supposed to be bringing wives in here. That's a smart move. Yeah. The dumb move would be you bring your wife in and she sits down and takes the microphone and then starts talking stupid shit.

Oh, no. You know what I'm saying? I don't want that. Not that everybody's wife talks stupid shit, but let's be honest. A lot of people's wives talk stupid shit. Right? Yeah. Every now and then they're cool. It happens. Like Tom Segura's wife is awesome. You know? Right. wife talk stupid shit but let's be honest a lot of people's wives talk stupid shit right yeah every now and then like tom segura's wife is awesome you know right when you know the two

of them together they actually enhance each other she's fucking hilarious comedian you know christina pozitsky is fuck she's really fucking funny man when i saw her at the um the sam triply show right i was like this poor girl has to go on triply show is hard to do it's really hard to do it's's really hard to do. It's so wild. All these porn stars are on stage, and there was a dude that was getting whipped. Yeah. Whenever he's going to do the show, I'm like, I'll do a character or something.

But I'm not doing stand-up in that. It's a crazy menagerie of chaos. And she walked up after the guy was getting whipped and just owned the place. And I had been talking to her before. It was the first time I had met her. It was just like a half an hour before. And I was like, and I had been talking to her before. It was the first time I had met her. It was just like a half an hour before. And I was like, wow, Tom's wife is so nice. And then I knew what the fuck

she was going to have to do. She was going to have to go on after this guy with his pants down, getting spanked by a porn star. And I was like, whoa. How is she going to just, you know, she better not have some lame bullshit. You know?

You know, like you have that one friend who doesn't know how to, they might have some good jokes, but they don't know how to get going. Yeah, yeah. You get off to a bad start in one of those places. You have that one friend who might have some good jokes, but they don't know how to get going. You get off to a bad start in one of those places. It's like running on ice. She just went out there and crushed.

I was like, wow. I went to a wrestling event in Toronto and somebody had to go on during intermission. Some new comic. I was like, oh, everybody left. I stayed there just because I felt bad. I wanted to give an audience. It's such an impossible situation. You know, my dad's been married for so long. He always gives me these weird Christmas gifts and all these tools from hardware stores.

He gave me a Dremel recently. He gave me rope to keep in the car just in case I have to tow something. And I'm thinking, you know what? Why does he give me all these tools and all these fucking things? And I'm thinking, oh, these are all the same things that Dexter uses to murder his victims. I think my dad's just getting me. He's like living in hell, and he's just like, no, you can take this. Dude, listen to this.

There's a show called Hidden City. It's a new show on the Travel Channel. Good fucking show. And one of the things they had on is the Black Dahlia murder. You know the Black Dahlia murder? Really the Black Dahlia murder really fucking creepy murder yeah they made a movie about it it was a woman

she was in it was in LA and a surgeon had cut her open and left her there they knew that it was a surgeon like the way it was done it was like

she was expertly dissected and it really creeped people the fuck out and they had this guy who found his father's fucking journal when after his father died and it had all these photos of this woman in it this black dahlia woman and then it turns out that he found out that this guy his father was actually fucking this chick and then he looks at

the fucking letters that this guy had sent to the police because he was like mocking them the black dahlia murderer like he found out yeah he would send things to the police so the son things of hers that she owned the son found out that his dad who is a a prominent doctor who like did a lot of like creepy shit one of the reasons why he got away with this and they didn't even chase him down as a suspect was because he did a lot of abortions and a lot of like he treated people for vd he did a lot of things for hollywood of like he treated people for vd he did a lot of things for hollywood stars and he knew some secrets and so there's too many people in power had some influence and somehow or another this guy slipped under the radar but his guy's son

was outing him his son was saying that's my dad's handwriting i'm looking at these letters that died already yes his dad was already dead his dad he knows He knows his dad was boning her. Yeah, I would. Yeah, fuck yeah, you do. I would want my kids to share it, too. Fuck yeah, you do. I'd want my kids to share it, too. Fuck yeah, you do. You don't get caught. You're already dead.

Jesus Christ. Let it out. I want everybody to know what I did. But you're taking the bullet. That's like paying off your dad's debts. That's information that people need to know. First of all, they need to know that people are capable of doing such shit and that someone could be your dad and a loving father.

That's information. You can't hold that back it's there's a terrifying possibility that your own father could have cut a woman in half he kept all those pictures he must have enjoyed it not only did they taunted the police he kept sending them sending them letters and sending them like pieces articles of her clothing like he taunted them and i would want my son to tell right you would want your son to know yeah to tell to tell everybody yeah well if you were that fucked up and off the rails yeah yeah you want to getting out when you have no chance of getting caught that's perfect not even why would you why i would say this beautiful legacy is that no i don't want to ruin mine what do you what do you what do you

have to do with it you're the son what how's how did you do wrong that's not a fucking common name all of a sudden it's like chry Kreischer the Dahlia Killers, and then I'm also Albert Kreischer. And they're like, so you did it? Well, let's start that anyway. Let's start Kreischer the Killer anyway. Burt Mencia? Spread that.

Yeah. Burt Mencia has a nice ring to it. Killing machine. What's to stop you from, like, it's not really his name. What's to stop you from making it your name? Two. Why couldn't you just call yourself Burt Mencia? How fucking brilliant would that be if someone just took like the name of a famous person like you know like i'm you know my name is joe rock yeah can anybody stop you

no we'll be goldberg said fuck it my chris rocks brother no no no no but we're all related we all why didn't i come out with burt pitt My name is... I'm his fat comic brother. Somebody should call themselves Carl Mencia. Because then even alphabetically, you'd always be right before him in listings of comedians. C-R-L. Wow, that's like Bruce Lai winning the Oscar. That's what I thought of when I did Super Jaime, was that it's funny that it'll be right next to Super Size Me

in listings of movies and stuff. So I still get that little extra push of people are probably going to be looking up the other movie and then maybe notice mine. It's like Segura's album's Thrilled. Is there a thriller? I told him he should call it Thriller 2.

I think I did. I don't know. Maybe he did. But you gotta call it something like something like... I'm trying to name it. Thriller again. I've never been good at naming things, though. You're good at naming. What's your next movie? The Greatest Movie Ever Ruled.

Right. What is that about? Is there anybody on the planet more connected to the weed than Doug Benson? Yeah. Good point. Me. I'm right up there with you, buddy. I got it tattooed on my body.

Oh, see, you've gone a step further than me. I wanted to be able to be buried in a Jewish cemetery, so I can't. Are you Jewish? I can't get a tattoo. No, he's not Jewish. No. He wants to. It's a joke.

What a comedy. What if he meets the right girl, man? Whoa. Damn, Bert Kreister. It, Broke Chrysler. It's fun when we get him in the room. Broke Chrysler just turned into a dolphin. You're like, even if you weren't a hilarious comic, you would just be the most fun person to be around, right?

Oh, because I have my laugh up. Like, is that why you went into stand-up? Because people are always having a good time when you're around? I don't know. I don't know. You just got a great energy. I think, yeah, you know what's so funny is? I don't know. I have no fucking idea. Why did you go to Stan?

Let me tell you something. You got a great energy but you also have an energy that's like you're such a fucking nice guy when guys like us run into you like, oh, somebody might take advantage of this guy. I'm the first guy getting raped in a prison room. You're not just a fun, nice guy.

You're a fucking sweetheart. Thanks, Joe. But he also has some pretty dark tweets, which are always fun. What are my dark tweets? I never have anything dark. I'm on my Christian company. No man has ever earned the life of the party title. You and Joey Diaz are neck and neck.

Joey Diaz is a different kind of magic Because he's a human cartoon He's a human cartoon Do you know how often I hear him in my head He just walks in the room and just owns that bitch Dog, you ever eat a girl Break into a girl's house and eat her pussy on the way Lucy Snorbus I hear that in my head all the fucking time

She woke up, what are you doing? Don't worry about it I mean, you're a monkey. You're two in the morning. Come on. Why walk on ice when you can dance? There was a moment when he was telling that story that I've never laughed as hard in my life.

He was like, dude, you've never done that? And I started going, none of us have broken into a girl's house on a Quaaludes. I've never even been to Quaaludes. I had so many great moments with him at the Comedy Store. You know, when I first met Brian, Joey was one of the main reasons for hiring a guy like Brian to follow us around the comedy store because you never knew when magic would just come popping out of his mouth.

When the egg roll would come out. You never knew. He was so crazy. He was always willing to drop his pants, always pulling his dick out. I'll take my dick out in a heartbeat. He's taking it to the next level. Bert's like, I'm a soldier. Take my dick out like a soldier. I's taking it to the next level. Bert's like, I'm a soldier.

Take my dick out like a soldier. I was doing radio in Richmond and there was this young band and they were playing like in their, did you ever do Richmond sludge,

the morning sludge? No. And so there's this young band and I go, you guys ready for the road? They're all like, I didn't realize they were 14. And they're like,

yeah, we're ready for the road. And I go, the shit that happens on the road? And they're like, what goes on the road? And I go, like Leaky Submarine, like you ever play that with your friends? And they're like, what? And I go, how about this the shit that happens on the road and they're like what goes on the road and I go like leaky submarine like you ever play that with your friends

and they're like what and I go how about this and I just take my pants and I shove them in my dick and these guys just they're children

I totally forget that they're children listen maybe you should be admitted to this this is like 10 years ago this is 10 years ago I think there's no statute of limitations

on that shit my parents are in the waiting room I had not expected that to happen but what if your dad did that would you tell people after he died I would never tell his soul I'd take that to my grave that if your dad did that? Would you tell people after he died? That never really happened, right?

That's all a joke. It's a joke. It's a joke we were talking about earlier. It's really important to let everybody know. People are thinking, did Bert Kreischer really expose himself? No. No. No, it's a joke.

It's just material. And they were 12. They were literally eight. Like eight. Did you hear the fucking story in the internet of a guy who shot his gun off to shoot a fucking mouse, missed the mouse, hit his friend in the chest. The police come and find out that his other roommate had a 13-year-old hiding in the closet. And no one knew.

No one knew. No one had any idea. This guy snuck a 13-year-old and was fucking her for months. What a horrible way to get caught. And had her hiding in the closet. And he got caught because his roommate shot him. She wasn't hiding as much as being held in. Shot on a mouse.

I'm going to hide me quiet. She was hiding with her hands tied up in her back. Stop hiding, little girl. Could you imagine if you were a roommate of that guy and you had no idea? I turned into that guy. But I bet that guy who got caught was like, you fucking asshole, why would you shoot a mouse? You idiot. I don't know.

I bet he did blame that guy. They believe his friends didn't know. They believe by their reaction that his friends had no idea. Apparently, it was really obvious. I don't know. Cops have a pretty good judgment. When you're right there at the scene of a crime crime they've seen a million fucking guilty people today there's when when shit like that happens like did you know that guy was there and if you jump back no i didn't

fucking know there's there's certain dudes where you know that's not that's not a even just having a cop for a while you have that that street sense where you know what's going down yeah it's like how you can sit in an audience and you can almost tell someone. A lot of them. I mean, not all of them, but a lot of them do. Like it's when you sit in an audience and you can... Tell someone it's a comic. Yeah, you can...

Or you can like... I can tell you what someone does almost. I can tell you what kind of car they drive just from having it done so much. No, I'm good. Tell them what that weed's like. I can't. I don't smoke weed.

Get in there, son. Here. You shouldn't even touch it. Listen, you're smoking weed in this room whether you like it or not. I got news for you. The ventilation is not the best. even touch it. Listen, you're smoking weed in this room whether you like it or not. I got news for you. The ventilation is not the best.

I appreciate it. It's designed to be non-ventilated to keep the good stuff in. Wait, do you think the mouse was on the wall or was the guy on the floor already aiming at the mouse? The guy was on the ground. The guy shot at the ground. And the other guy was on the ground also? He just missed. He's an asshole. And somehow or another a bullet ricocheted or somehow hit him in the chest.

Maybe the fucking mouse was on a counter who the hell knows but the point is he shot his roommate went through the wall his roommate in the chest i mean it's a scene in a fucking coen brothers movie it's what it is it's more evidence that life is fiction i mean just just try to imagine that being a scene in a movie a cop shows up because another guy you wouldn't even want to you would have to see the whole scene play out you'd have to see the guy go to shoot at the mouse miss the mouse hit his friend the chest cops come what the fuck is in that guy's closet yeah one guy slept through the whole thing one guy they woke him up they woke him up he didn't even hear he didn't hear anything until the cops were

like shaking him up he's like what who fucked who why no idea imagine you go to bed you're just hanging out with your bros We've got a cool house together. You know, I don't know Tom. He's kind of weird and stays in his room most of the time But he's a great roommate man. Here's a good situation. We have a nice neighborhood. You know my car safe at night I'm just gonna get some sleep and you wake up the middle. It's the cops listen I got news for you kid your world has been shattered You're right is a fucking pedo and the other one shot the other one in the chest because he was trying to hit a mouse. Am I dreaming?

What? Shit. I don't want to move back in with my fucking parents. I'm never taking Alpha Brain again. Yeah. It does sound like a dream. It sounds like a dream. This guy went to bed thinking he has a great place where he lives.

What was the art like on the walls of that apartment? It was all Def Leppard. All fucking velvet posters. Yeah. Yeah. all Def Leppard. All Def Leppard fucking velvet posters. Yeah. Yeah. All velvet. And Elvis. And he likes Elvis

without even knowing his music. You know? Fucking Elvis is the shit, bro. Elvis was number one. Elvis always number one, bro. The suspicious minds can get me going. Yeah, you know who does it better?

Dwight Yoakam. Dwight, I've got, my wife's a redneck. Dwight Yoakam, bro. Dwight Yoakam plays the fucking shit out of Suspicious Minds. It's so good, you go, damn, he might have done it better than Elvis. It's that fucking good.

If you're into that shit, you got to open up. If you're not into Dwight Yoakam, you ain't got no soul, bitch. You're missing something. You're missing a little bit of country. How could you do it? I go Merle Haggard. I go Johnny. I'm a big Johnny Cash fan.

My dog's named Johnny Cash. Yeah, I love Johnny Cash. Who just made the album with Jack White? Linda Ronstadt? Oh, did she really? And he produced it? Linda Ronstadt could sing her fucking ass off. You're no good, you're no good, you're no good.

Baby, you're no good. Yeah, is that her? Yeah, a little bit chubby. It'd be weird if it wasn't, right? Yeah. Say it again. No, she definitely sang that song. She sang a bunch of songs.

Blue Bayou, that Blue Bayou song. How's that go? Her fucking voice is beautiful, man. I mean, people don't give Linda Ronstadt any credit. I'm going back someday. She chubbed up. Come what may to Blue Bayou. She kind of tapped out in life.

She looked good when I saw her in that video with Jack White. She didn't really take a lot of yoga classes and stick to that vegan diet and really try to make the most out of the body. She looks okay. She got back? She sprung back? She looks okay. I mean, she's old.

She was a badass. She had one music video that I really liked watching because she would jump around in a dress or something. Brian, there's a picture of her, man, if you could find it, like one of her first albums. Find it and pull that picture up. She's super cute. I have a fucking thing for the seven. Did she hit it like 30?

I have this crazy... One of those girls? I don't know. They threw some shit. Oh, yeah. Most likely. She had a lot of... Linda Ronstadt, bitch. Pay attention to the show. I was helping Bird out. I was helping Bird out with something. Oh, yeah? Bird, you trying to get him to suck your dick? Bird's got a situation. All you gotta do is ask, man.

Did you have to show Brian your penis? Brian's directing an Oscar over here. Jesus Christ. You know good, you know good. Fucking switching the camera every five seconds. Baby, you'll know. Oh, damn, her butthole's gross. That's an inside joke because of Brian's assistance.

Do you know what song I was addicted to the other day? What? Every Day I'm Shuffling. Really? That's the fucking weak version, bro. It's hustling. But for whatever reason, they censor it.

Seriously? Yeah. You're going the Walmart version. So this whole weekend I've been singing that on stage and I've been singing

the Christian version? Did you see this Sesame Street version of every day I'm shuffling? Why would you be shuffling when you could be hustling? What photo do you want? Linda Ronstadt.

Linda Ronstadt and one of her album covers, the early album covers. Look behind you. There you go. I'm trying to scroll as if I somehow know they have control over this. That looks like a dude with a shotgun. Look at the one where she's in the roller skates in the hallway.

Oh, and that red top, that's a cute one too. Down, down, down, down, down. No, the down. No, the down. The down more. Click on that. Upper. That's Linda Ronstadt.

Full size, son. Full size more. Click on that. Upper. That's Linda Ronstadt. Full size, son. Full size. Full size that image. Yeah. Yeah, she's a cutie. Look at how cute she is. She's got a moon face. She looks like the girl from Growing Pains.

She looks like the girl from Growing Pains. She does. She looks like Tracy Gold. I had a crush on her, too, though. Listen, Linda Ronstadt was a bad ass girl. Tracy Gold. Natalie. Linda Ronstadt. We bad ass bitch. Tracy Gold. Natalie. Linda Ronstadt.

We're talking over each other here, people. Linda Ronstadt was a badass bitch. You got to respect Linda Ronstadt. Brian, play some Linda Ronstadt. Let's hope she doesn't sue us. We can't do that. Just do it, bitch. You're no good.

Look up that. Get up that song, You're No Good. I think as long as we talk over it, we're allowed to do this somehow or another. Hopefully SOPA doesn't lock us up and steal our feet. Yeah, don't take our feet, please. What is the SOPA thing? Do you have an opinion on this, being a man of the internet? What is it?

Do you know it? Stop Online Piracy Act. Isn't that soup in Spanish? Yeah, SOPA. Tell a little bit about it. People are pretty fired up about it. Yeah? Some people, yeah.

I saw it was trending today at one point. What is it? Well, it's Stopping Online Piracy Act, and what people are worried about is that it's going to give the government permission to shut down websites. Oh, yeah, they're trying to do that. Anytime they want to.

Shut up. Yeah. Yeah, it wouldn't be a good power for them to have, but I also... Something tells me that, you know, especially in an election year, they're not going to try to It's become such a big hot potato

That I don't know how I don't know how committed They're going to be to it anymore As soon as they find out Desperado? No, you're no good You're no good That's Desperado

That's a fucking Eagles song You don't know that song? How dare you You have no knowledge of the 70s rock You're just living No good. That's Desperado. Bro, that's a fucking Eagles song. You don't know that song? How dare you? You have no knowledge of the 70s rock, do you? You're just living. Is Desperado Eagles or did they just cover that? Oh, I could get into this.

Like, drunk on a plane. Listen to this bitch's voice. Just stop. You don't get that without some pain in your life. Feeling better since I'm over you. You guys, listen to this shit. You hear that, man? That's some righteous indignation for your ass, son.

That's a chick speaking from the fucking soul on a stage with a microphone. Imagine if you were the guy who fucked her over, and then you knew that this song was about you. God damn, Linda Ronstadt just fucking iced you out in front of the country. Especially if she was a jet mug. Are you playing this video? I want to hear her singing. What? Are you playing this video? I want to hear her singing.

No, it's just a song. Oh, you did not play. Okay. I like watching the old ladies sing. Shut up, beautiful voice. Did you just speed it up? No. You're stoned.

Brian, did you speed it up? It's been speeded up the whole time. What the fuck is wrong with you man? Just play the real song That was so stupid That was like a faster version I thought her voice was a little more chip monkey When we want to talk about something Don't do that

That's stupid No there was an effect on And I just realized it You fucked up the whole thing I just realized it Listen to this Thank you Oh wow now she looks like a woman

That's such an asshole thing to do What voice are you talking about? listen to this. Thank you. Wow now she's a different voice That's such an asshole thing to do Listen to this Yeah, it sounds more like a woman now I thought it was just that was like recording she sounded like she's Anna How years old bro go change your tampon you made her sound like Susanna Hoffs in that in that Still was good. How about that? Still. Still was good. Still better than most shit.

Still holds up. Even Brian Redband can't ruin it. Yeah, look at this. I broke a heart that's gentle and true. Well, I broke a heart. I didn't know there was background singing before. There's like something about chicks that have that kind of power in their voice. It's really scary.

It's intimidating, man. Yeah, but the wheels come off when they're 40. Fuck yeah, they do. Hardcore. Into the books. You ever seen Heart lately? Well, listen, dude. They're in their 50s.

Are they still going? I can listen to that song. What's that song. What's that song? They need a CGI, those bitches. They need to do like they do that Japanese band. One of those girls got fat. It didn't matter.

She still belted it out. The Wilson sisters? Yeah. Nancy's still at it. That's hard. She's married to Cameron Crowe. What? She's the pretty one. She's the thin one, right? And then there's the other one. We bought a zoo. She's the thin one, right?

And then there's the other one. They both had their moments, I thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the beginning. When Hart was going, they wore really flowy clothes, but they were... One guy. Flowy clothes. They did a lot of kicking, you know?

A lot of high kicks when they're belting out barracuda and shit. Listen to this. Let her sing it. Let her sing it. Let her sing it. Can you imagine if that was you she was singing about? God damn. Everybody would be on her side. She sings too good.

I keep thinking of the guy sitting next to you as you're hearing this for the first time. He goes, hits you and like, dude, it's a good song, huh? And you're like, fuck. Not for me. Linda Ronstadt had it. Whatever the fuck it was, listen to this. Baby, you're no good. Brian.

Is that an effect? He has to end. Why do you have to do that? Just let it end, man. Somebody suggested to me on Twitter today that instead of a drinking game, we do a smoking game, and you have to take a bong rip every time Brian Redband says something stupid. I don't want to die. I want to be the first guy to die from marijuana poisoning.

I don't have that kind of lung capacity. I don't want to be the first dude. I told that Twitter earlier. It was rude, Brian. It was a rude thing for him to say. We ruined the cause. You know what happened to me? I got a fake Doug Benson that I've been talking to.

Yeah, me too. This is dumb. Yeah, underscore Doug, underscore Benson. Hey, buddy, don't do that. Why don't you just change your name to Doug Benson Fan? That would be totally cool. But right now, you're confusing people. He still just retweets everything I write.

It's the weirdest thing. What's the point? He loves you. Anyone that's following him is following you, too. It's a good thing, man. He loves you. He ain't a bad guy. He loves you. But it's confusing, sir. you, too. It's a good thing, man. He loves you. He ain't a bad guy.

He loves you. But it's confusing, sir. Please change your name. Yeah, it's weird. Change your name. On the honor system, I think it's fair that Doug Benson should tell you. And you should respond to this, right? So you know the guy listens to this stuff? Of course.

He listens to everything you do, bro. He tried to come to the show and he sold out. This guy's got a Google chip in your underwear and he's following you around town. He's smelling your underwear. He's on a bike. Oh, no. He's on a bike with show and he sold out. This guy's got a Google chip in your underwear and he's following you around town. He's smelling your underwear. He's on a bike. Oh, no. He's on a bike with a GPS thing following you. He trolled me because I thought he was asking.

I thought you were asking me to be on your podcast in like a joke. And I go, oh, yeah, sure. And then you replied something like, sounds great, Bert. I can't DM you. Give me your number. No, for a while now. Oh, my God. No, no, no. I did say give me your number, but great, Bert. I can't DM you. Give me your number. No, for a while now. Oh my God. You gave him your number? I gave him your number, but I was joking.

It was a joke. It was me joking, but then that guy retweeted it. And then I replied, I've fallen for that too many times. I'll just give you my address. Yeah, and he gave me a fake address. So that was a funny reply. But the thing that cracked me up about you is for months now, every time you mention me on Twitter,

I always click on your thing to send you a direct message to say, hey, let's trade numbers or email or something. And you don't follow me. I do follow you. No, I've been following that guy. I've been following that guy. So this whole time. That guy hasn't been around that long. I'm talking about for months now.

You haven't been a follower. Twitter randomly unfollows me. No, man. Twitter randomly unfollows me. I don man. Twitter randomly unfollows me. I don't blame you. I don't care. I'm just saying it took this exchange before you clicked on follow. Ari doesn't follow nobody.

What are you lying about, bitch? That's why. Because of this reason. Lying, bitch. This reason. I don't want to get into stupid fights like this. Let me tell you this. Let me tell you this.

I don't think we're in a fight. First of all, A, this is not a fight. But yes, it is a common thing that people get upset when people are not following them me i let it go but doug benson if you want to get all aggro no i just want to go after bird for not following i'm just lazy and i wanted to get in touch with him so it's funny every time i click on it it's just funny when somebody mentions you generally when you click on it you can write back to them you know because they're following you that's why they're talking about you yeah right like they're not typing at and your name unless they're assholes yeah unless they're trying to get your attention yeah i got a lot of people

that just write my name and something shitty and then i i can't write back to them because they're not even following me in the first place but that's you know um i my twitter randomly unfollows people yeah yeah it does that because I did follow you for a long time because you're the one that got me on to, you just DM people. You don't reply. I don't reply in front of everybody because I think that's boring. It's so smart.

Some people are weird, man. They want to have conversations out in the public. Hey, man, how's everything? They're trying to drag you out into involving them in front of everybody. Yeah. Yeah, instead of it being a natural conversation. i'm happy to engage in natural if i have the time like if i'm somewhere i'm a doctor's office or something i got 10 minutes to kill

i'll hop on twitter and answer questions read everything and just answer but you know it's got to be on my convenience i got to be able to do it whenever i want to do it and you retweet the question and your answer so that the people get the whole story i just don't still get that people just write to other people back and forth. Yeah, they'll write back and forth. It's like, why is it, you should be, whatever you're doing on Twitter, you should want people to read because it's going to be interesting, not something that's just white noise or confusing. Doug, you do know about, like, if you click on something and that it was, if it was properly tweeted, it will show up on most

applications and the website as a timeline. so you don't have to retweet it if you click on it right and retweet that thread yeah if you just reply nobody else sees it right right but if but if somebody does that yeah yeah but most people do that don't you give no you give people that extra level of research they're not going to do it i mean as it is you'll find most people writing to you on twitter they just signed up they just heard about it through you or however. And so they're like testing the waters and they'll say something to you. And their avatar is always an egg because they haven't even figured out how to do that. And so at first, everyone's really confused.

So whenever I DM somebody, immediately I get back, hey, man, I can't write back. It won't let me write back to you is the phrase people use. It won't let me. And I always write back, you know, the system works. That's like how it's supposed to be. I'm happy to say something back to you, but I can't follow everybody. Can you imagine following everybody? Do you get direct messages direct to your phone?

Yeah. You do. Oh, shit. Oh, you're ridiculous. That's ridiculous. I don't do that. But that's because all the people I follow, I want to know when they say something about me. 420 people?

420, yeah. You want to know when they say anything about you? Jesus Christ. Or, you know, whenever they're trying to say something to me. Oh, any direct message. Direct messages. But it's not. You don't have it go off in your phone every time there's a tweet to your name, do you?

No, I do. No, but if someone I'm following tweets my name for some reason, it comes up. And that's usually saying something to me that I would like to respond to. So even if they say it out in the public stratosphere, not even a direct message, just in the public, if they say your name, it comes to your phone. So that's 420 people that text you every day. No, they don't. Because a lot of people just tag him on something. A lot of people chill.

That's a great way to do it, I guess, right? If you want to give them ultimate access to you, that's the smart way to do it. That just made sense, Doug, because that does, my phone does the same thing

now that I realize that. It does, it's only people I follow that they're at- Like today, Mark Maron wrote, I'm on Doug Benson's blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

and it came up on my phone and I like to know that. I like to know that Mark was nice enough to give it a plug and what he said about it. All of this just to name drop Mark Maron. Did that tweet end with a sigh?

He's trying to be a nice guy. He is. Mark's a good guy. He's trying to be a nice guy. He is. He has his moments. Yeah, and if you look at it in the right way, it's engaging watching him try to be a nice guy

because he was on a show with some friends of mine and he's fun to, he's always wearing something like a hat or something that is easy to make a visual joke about that makes him, he flips out even more than most people because he's so neurotic. He's so neurotic.

That he's so thin-skinned that it's hilarious to watch him. He explodes in a humorous way. He's funny. He just explodes a lot. He's funny when he's really nice a lot he's funny he's funny when he's doing it but it's yeah you got to understand his thing you know that's all it is he is a good guy he just got to understand his thing and his thing he just tends to go to the negative yeah and he's he's my podcast i asked him what he had to do and he was like come over what are

you doing i'll show you everything you know he's not a bad guy man i like he's just struggle he's in a constant struggle with himself and i but but he's not a bad person he man. I like Mark. He's just struggling. He's in a constant struggle with himself. But he's not a bad person. He's just a fucking artist, man. You know, when you're an artist, a lot of us are weird. That's just something we have to accept. And all the cool people that I know are in one way or another weird. Jason Killern is weird. Jason Killern is in the house.

Jason, how you doing, man? We're just weird as it gets right here. We just happen to be talking about weird people. Look who fucking shows up. Perfect timing, weirdo. Yeah. Is the Marc Maron drinking game to listen to the podcast and every time there's a sniffle, you drink?

Does he sniffle a lot? No, I think you... Yeah, but you drink coffee. You don't drink... Is that an expectation? Yeah, nobody looks at those drinking games. Yeah. They're all winners.

I said, I'm happy to see that guy doing good, though. You know, I always thought he was a talented comedian. And, you know, it's whatever had held him back for however long, you know, before he got really recognition for, like, what he's capable of. But as, like, an interviewer, he's excellent. You know, he's great. Even if he goes a tad towards the negative, I think that he'd get stuff out of you. You know, like, people, like, I did not mind my conversation that I had with him.

It was really open, and I tried to be as honest as possible. And people say, oh, he was trying to get you. I did not mind my conversation that I had with him. I was really open and I tried to be as honest as possible. People say, oh, he was trying to get you. I said, I don't think so. I think he just wanted all the information. He wants to be an interesting interviewer. He wants to make the whole thing interesting to listen to. If you really want to do that, if you want to get all the information

at the expense of a person's feelings, that is the way to do it. It's the only way to do it. You have to be open to that if you're willing to sit down and talk to a guy like that. And that's supposed to be that way. It's a good thing. It's a good thing. Whatever it confronts for you, it's probably good.

I mean, he's not dishonest about it. When he's confronting you or communicating about something, he's most certainly doing it out of an intellectual point of view. He's thought about it. He's dissected it. And this is what he is coming up with. But a lot of times, whatever your thing is that makes you you is also the thing that fucks you up.

I think. A lot of people, yeah. Because I'm really, I'm really, I'm really honest and always try to be friendly if I see someone. And I, even if I don't know them, if I do them, like, I didn't barely know Doug at all. And one day he was getting high outside my daughter's school. And I was like, swear to God. I wasn't getting high out there. You were. I swear to God. like like I didn't barely know Doug at all and one day he was getting high outside my daughter's school and I was like swear to god I wasn't getting high out you were I just swear to

god no I wasn't doing I was I was going back to my car from the uh from the gym right there right I go to gold's gym okay you looked like you were getting high but I went up I went up and I totally approached him and like this like like like almost like a fan. Like, hey, Doug, I just want to say, you know, all these things. And then so often that view is taken as, oh, he's weak. Like, no one respects, like, I'm just trying to be very honest in the moment. Well, let me be honest, man, because when I first had gotten in contact with you, it was through Twitter, and I didn't know anything about you other than that Jay Moore story.

That's why I kept hearing from people. But just by following you on Twitter and then communicating with you on Twitter, I was like, look how nice this fucking guy is. There's certain things that come through in text where you can tell. And then when we had you on the podcast, it was like, boom, you are exactly how you write. You're a great guy. But because you're such a warm guy,

people who have deep-set insecurities will try to prey on that. And that's where a guy like you has to be careful because you really are like the life of the party, but you need to be around a bunch of people who are like your bros, who are going to fuck you. I'm so sad that I said that, bros, but I meant it in the right way. I meant it in the correct context. It was just really the incorrect word. I i stumbled there i apologize profusely if i was writing if i was writing yeah comrades is excellent i was i was writing i would hit backspace and go bro it's the fuck idiot i would i would step away from the computer right now and like rub my hands together and then i'd

re-engage because that was no i totally know you're saying you know i'm saying like you're one of those guys you're the life of the party to borrow a phrase from brody stevens positive what the fuck is going on you're on the wrong you know what I'm saying? Like, you're one of those guys. You're the life of the party guy. To borrow a phrase from Brody Stevens, positive energy. What the fuck is going on? You're on the wrong side of that thing. The microphone is actually on the other side. It's the purple tape side. Yeah, it's purple tape. That's it right there.

You get twisted. If you don't, it's so ridiculous. But if you don't talk into that thing, you're in the distance. Yeah, the thing's broken. We had this porn star in there, and I think she stuffed it up her ass. There we go. What do you think of this? Bam, bitches! I feel like I'm eating corn it up her ass. There we go. What do you think of this? Bam, bitches!

I feel like I'm eating corn on the cob now. Yeah, it's yellow. It looks like a kill shot. It looks like one of those hot dogs in a little croissant. What is that? Pig in the blanket. Pig in the blanket, yeah. So what I set off, Mike, was that, to borrow a phrase from Brody Stevens,

Burt Kreischer is positive energy. Yeah, but your problem is you're so positive that I feel like I have to look out for you. Thank you, Joe. I do. I went to the conference. I don't feel like you need it. I know you don't need it. You're a grown man.

You're a fucking grown man. I'm also a fucking mess. A husband. No, you're not. I'm a regular mess. Like, every one of this table is a mess. You just need to be protected. You need to be in the right cult.

I need to be in the right cult. I need to be in the right cult. I get totally good at this. We're going to take you in. We're going to bring you in. If you start a cult, I'm fucking in. We're in. We already have. It's called the Death Squad.

You're a part of it. So we are. Let's stop playing games. Oh, Death Squad's a cult? Totally do. I'm in. Well, then where's my drink? Let's get our...

Let's get branded. It's a super positive cult. Do whatever you want to do. We're not controlling you at all. Guys, let's take it to the next level and brand each other tonight. I'll do it. I'm in. It's all about impulse, Joe. Bert Kreischer was seconds away from drinking his own piss

at my house. I swear to God I would have done it. I had him. We would have done it. I'm drinking my piss, okay? I'm just saying. I've already done it. I saw you do it. I saw you do it. I know so much more about you guys than you do. Do you just... What? Sorry. I was going to say that... Go ahead, Doug. No, you say it.

I was going to say that. Go ahead, Doug. No, you say it. I was going to ask Joe if he ever just reaches in like, I'll eat one of these bugs. Like, you know, have you ever done that? All of a sudden, Doug Benson becomes some guy that I meet at Fridays in Oklahoma. Hey, man, I just got to ask you something. You ever just reach in and grab one of those bugs? Yeah. Doug Benson, you ever do bugs? You ever do that?

You ever do that, though? How long you been working as a manager? That's like a frequently asked question. Years. Joe. Hey, Joe. I should probably answer that. Wow.

It's crazy. It's a crazy question. I have to think about that. Come back to you. I'm going to write something down. No, but you've done like a. I don't want to just let this go off the top of my head. I want to really consider it.

You've done like. You've tried some of the stunt things they have to do, right? I've only eaten a few things. I've only eaten some spider. I've eaten a spider, a roach. Most of it's nothing. Most of it's completely in your head. Like on E!

Recently, this kid named Michael Yo. Michael Yo was on the E! channel, Brian? The E! channel? Drink, everybody. Entertainment. Michael Yo was on the first season of Fear Factor. I think he was on the very first episode of Fear Factor. And now he's one of these on TV guys.

And so he came and we came to the show to film some stuff. Like, hey, this is where you started out. This is your first time on TV. And we ate these spiders together. And I ate this cave-dwelling spider. It looked horrific, but it was like nothing. Really fucking nice guy. Really nice guy. Fun guy.

He's a big time radio DJ in Miami. He does like really well on the radio. And he actually does it like he goes to Miami and also does it from LA as well. I think you know he does it somehow or another like records the segments. Great guy though. I have a fear factor question. When am I going to see that girl crying with the other person shaving her head that's coming up i don't know why that's a two-hour episode and when you tell you something man that's some of

the deepest shit you're ever gonna see on tv that is fascinating water cooler i don't want to tell i don't want to say anything until it's over but god damn that that chick was badass. And I'll tell you what, man, she looked better. She looked better after she shaved her head. I don't want to say anything more than this, but this is an amazing episode, man. I have a Fear Factor question. That video that you showed us that we can't talk about. I can't talk about that right now.

No, but is there any updates? It's on the schedule as far as we know. It will most definitely be the last episode. What was she wearing and who designed it? Do you get personally disappointed when the team of hot girls is the first team eliminated? No. Sometimes it's better. I don't want to stare at it.

I want to just leer like a creepy old man. Cut, Joe. Look up. The sad shots they do of the contestants walking away when they've been eliminated. It's so funny. I know. It is kind of funny. It's kind of ridiculous.

Bert Kreischer will be back in two seconds, everybody. Powerful Bert Kreischer. In the meantime, let's get to know Jason Geller. Do you have any music? Can you play in the background? Some applause or something? Get some music? I actually...

Cue it up. Hold on, please. Sir. Sir, we'll introduce you on our own time, sir. Thank you. Welcome to the podcast. Listen to these guys. First time on, they want to just take control.

Start talking when they want to talk. You're going to feel really bad when I give you a gift, Joe. I don't ever feel bad when people give me gifts. That's part of what makes me happy. Do you have keys for him? Whatever you choose to do, I do not feel bad for ever. This is intro music for another guest? You can choose to give me all the money in the

world and I'm going to go, oopsies. I'm not going to feel bad. I'm going to say, well, I've got to give some of it to other people. I've been waiting for Glurn to get on this podcast for the longest time. I love this guy so much. You want to kiss him right now? Let's do this, Brian. Let's bring in the new year the right way. Come on.

Get up, boy. Gay cult. Get up. Let everybody know. Let everybody show you your love. Tongue, Brian. Don't be scared to tongue a man. You don't need to.

It's just like holding hands. If you can hold his hand, you can tongue him. Get in there, boy. He is hilarious. And are you allowed to talk about what you do for a living? Yeah. I mean, if I get shit canned, can I be like a fucking page on your show? Because, you know, with the internet.

We're going to have to talk. What is the issue? Is there an issue at hand? Is there a problem? No, it's like there's no issue, but I teach high school. Oh, Jesus Christ. Stop the presses. Stop the presses.

Let's get all our generals over here you know....generals over here. Let's pull aside. Does anybody know anything about the law? Here's what I think. Call Joey Diaz. He watches the law all the time. I think... Do you have a fake name?

I think it could be easily discharged for anything that he says on there. A thousand percent. Do you use your real name? Yeah, absolutely. Oh, okay. We got a problem. Yeah. Yeah, you can't talk.

All right. Well, that's why, like, even on the Twitter stuff... Hello, love. We got a problem. Yeah. You can't talk. All right. Well, that's why even on the Twitter stuff, hello, love, how are you? I won't say that I teach on Twitter or whatever. Hi. I don't know what happened. I thought we got invaded. Hi, how are you?

What's going on? Yo, man. We just, the entire cult of Kreischer just entered the building. They're big fans of... They have back problems. They have back problems? Are they going to go to the... What?

Oh. Oh, I think... Do they have glaucoma? Because they're going to the comedy show, right? I can barely see, yeah. So I knew that was happening, and so I thought I'd invite them. So they're taking a nice break.

Go give them this, and it's really good for glaucoma. Okay. Hey, so I think I've come up with a solution for Jason. I think you just need to draw pictures of what you're thinking of for the whole time. Because I don't think you can get sued for pictures. Do you like doing it? You really like?

You know, yeah, it's all right. I mean, it's just like, you know, I'm the same in that fucking class as I am anywhere. So I can appreciate it. Like I teach, they're like juvenile offenders. So, you know, I'm the same in that fucking class as I am anywhere so I can appreciate it. Like, I teach, they're like juvenile offenders so, you know.

But you enjoy doing that? You enjoy working with those kids? I mean, it's a fucking job. I mean, you know, it's like. Would you do it if you had,

I mean, if you didn't need the money, would you still do it? If I didn't have a fucking family and a mortgage and I could make some money, I'd probably go to this place that I teach

and volunteer, play soccer and fucking... Is that rewarding? No, no, no, no, no. See, Bri? I mean, look, it's like... Well, no, it's not. I mean, I've been doing it so fucking long that I just treat them like I would treat anybody.

Right. You know what I mean? So it's not like I'm trying to save the fucking world. Well, for them, that's probably a nice thing, man, because you're a nice guy. You know what I mean? So it's not like I'm trying to save the fucking world. Well, for them, that's probably a nice thing, man, because you're a nice guy. That's probably true. They might not have anybody that's willing to treat them nice. And they don't.

And then I remember that when they come back and they're all fucking, you know, they come back. Dude, that's really badass, man. I really appreciate the shit out of that. That's awesome. It's all right. Do you think those kids listen to podcasts? No, technologically, they're kind of fucking out

to lunch, man. We're going to start with reading. So they're not going to hear all these things you're saying about them. I want to talk about this, man, because you're a really funny guy. One of the funniest. You're a really smart guy. I see a guy like you, and I've seen guys make that

struggle to be a professional comic. I've seen guys make that struggle to get booked a professional comic you know i've seen guys you know make that struggle to get booked you know i've seen it with ari i saw with ari for years you know for years ari was like way underrated and he would like ask i remember it was really frustrating for me i was like you guys are crazy he's going up i would bring ari on the road with me he would go up dead cold in front of 300 fucking savages. And within 20 minutes, he was crushing. It was the best experience I've done by far.

I was like, look, get somebody else to get in front of those fucking monsters. I'm like, this is a headliner. He's a headliner. He can do 45 minutes. But for whatever reason, it wasn't until Twitter and the internet and the podcast and then the obvious online following. It's like now people, they see it. Like now you're fucking headlining everywhere and you're like working all the time. It's like I watch that frustration. So I see a guy like you and I go, I don't know what it is.

I mean, if we can blow you up on the podcast, maybe that's it. But you got to stop working. You're a fucking comic. Yeah, I know. If you love doing that shit and volunteering, that's beautiful and I'm sure that'll help you as a human and make your comedy better. But you shouldn't be relying on that shit as an income. You should be making a comfortable living off your art form. You're one of the funniest comics I know.

I love you and I love this is all amazing and I'm very proud of what you do. He's going to get fired from the school anyway after this it's over son because don't you think it's they're gonna test your hair they're gonna pull some mustache hairs out bitch you're going to jail well look it's i think everything's connected i think everything complements itself and if everything can ultimately connect at some fucking point and uh you know i'm just uh ride it out and see what

the fuck happens i should probably be more proactive but why don't you start your own podcast uh actually me and sean palofsky have one but just like me getting booked it's like it's half ass you want to get together all right that type of shit so maybe i need to kick me fucking arse and then maybe stay out yeah there's a lot of... No, it's not that, man. Please. You need one of those kids to hold a gun to you.

Weed made me more ambitious. Right. Weed made me more ambitious than ever. Seriously? Absolutely. Because it makes you more introspective.

Oh, his ideas rush in. If it makes you more introspective, you consider all the possibilities pro and con if you don't get your shit together. And you're like, weed made me want to get ahead of the curve financially so I don't have to think about money.

Makes me want to water my lawn. Really? Well, it makes me do that, too. That's productive. That's a productive thing to do. I always say everybody's got their own different reaction, but for me, it cleans up my life. Little holes, little things that are bothering me, little things that I don't like about the way I behave, things I don't like about the way I use my day.

If I get high, those are the things that bug me. I don't like that feeling, so I don't do those things anymore. I correct myself. I use the influence of the planet. DB's not going to disagree with you, man. You're fucking... I cannot disagree with you. No, that's why he's such a nice guy.

How do you not like Doug Benson? He's always super positive and high as fuck every time you meet him. He's 100% guaranteed. I've never seen Doug Moody, ever. I've never seen Doug Benson get past a five on the pissed off scale. We're always just hanging out, having

fun, though. We do fun things together. Even if Doug gets halfway mad at something, he's like, oh man, fuck him. It's never crazy. But it's really easy to be mellow when you're just hanging out with somebody that's at their thing. You know, like when I'm at UFC or one of your stand-up shows, it's fun to just hang out there because it's your thing and I'm just hanging out. But like if you saw me how I am, like if it's my show, you know what I mean?

Like if I'm the headliner and uh the opening act goes long or some something stupid happens i i have a temper i get you know i get frustrated with things opening acts going along can be upsetting it's when people get unprofessional and we've all done it i'm so guilty of it me talking about it at all is completely hypocritical i've totally gone long many times it's like you don't want to get off stage. The audience is so prime. It's so awesome. You have more bits. You're like, fuck it. You'll say, I'll just do this one more bit. Before you know it, you're like 10 minutes

late. I didn't know you weren't allowed until I started doing it now. They were like, why did you do an hour and 10? I'm like, that wasn't that long. They were like, no, 40. Do 40 and stop. For headlining? Yeah, or whatever. Give me that club. I want to work that club.

See, what it is, dude, is that you're used to doing my shows where we just sort of take over. Like, I know this is the second show. Oh, the rules are very different when you're on your own. But you still have weird curfews sometimes, like that last place in Houston. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a real curfew. Yeah.

Those big theaters, you have to be considerate of the union rules. People don't want to work all night. So if you make them work three or four hours after they're supposed to work, yeah, guess what? I'm with the union people. They should get compensated. Why do you want to have this show go dragging on forever? If it makes sense financially, I'd even be willing to pay the extra.

I don't think they should have to work extra hard. I mean, the contract is pretty simple. It's like a few hours. You get it for a few hours, and then get the fuck out of here. If not, you've got to keep paying us. That's reasonable to me. Yeah. And you're good at doing – you've got a good long game.

You can do a good long set. That's just not my – I'm just not that – for me, it would start to get a little too potentially repetitive. Or I'd go to the crowd too much or something. And then it would just be... I like to just leave them wanting more. And you do, even though you do longer sets. I backed off a lot. I backed off a lot.

I used to do Q&As. You do a tight show that's pretty long. One time... I knew... One time I was in Phoenix. And this is when I decided to stop. And I was doing Q&As all weekend, and they would go like an hour and a half after the show. And I was like, wow, there's no way to end this right. And I would end it with some old bit or something like that just to get off stage with a laugh.

I was like, I clearly dragged this out way too far. And it was like for some people they loved it, but it was more than 20 or 30% that are like, let's get fucking done with this. This is so self-indulgement. They've also got in their mind, probably, because the publicity's probably out there, that there's a good chance that they can, if they stick around,

they can meet you after the show. They're so excited about meeting you, they don't need to hear you talk for another hour. They would rather meet you. They'd rather get that experience. know like well that happens people have such short attention spans you know it's uh you you you know you you you can give too much of a good thing it's not entertaining at all anymore it just becomes a chore and i've been there i've been there as an audience member and i've been there as a performer and i just learned so i never i very rarely do more than an hour and 10 hour and 20 at the most most. And I just fucking try to hit it as hard as I can.

You used to be the worst when you're standing behind the curtain waiting to wrap up the show for an hour and 45 minutes. Because, like, I can't even go smoke. I have no idea. Yeah, I can't do it at any moment, unfortunately. We have some fucking fun shows, though, man. We, you know, one of the people, I was talking to somebody recently, and they were like, oh, I really don't like the road. It's, like, so depressing. I'm like, wow. When we go on the road, we have a fucking party., and they're like, oh, I really don't like the road. It's so depressing. I'm like, wow.

When we go on the road, we have a fucking party. Yeah, you're doing it wrong. You're doing it totally wrong. If it's depressing. When Ari and Joey and Doug, I mean, when we show up in Houston together, we're all smoking weed, eating steak, and high-fiving. We had margaritas in the morning before the UFC. You guys are on the floor. I'm getting paid to be there.

Who's getting depressed? This is like the greatest experience ever. Here, let me walk you through the depression weekend. I like what you say. It's a miracle dream weekend. It happens every two weeks. You're featured. You're taking a table service at that nightclub. You show up Thursday and your feature is 47 years old and black. And he's got an issue with the fact that you're

39 and white. So he does 35 of clean, killer hacky material. Then he's selling five DVDs and three shirts for $20, right? And then you have to hang out with him all fucking week. That's what the Rhodes really like. No, no, no, no. That's for the average comic.

For the average comic. Okay, for the average comic. But guess what? That's seasoning, son. You don't get to be a pool hustler just straight away. You got to make your time in the little bars. Wait, have you hung out With people from Twitter at all You can't just take on

Have you hung out With people you meet online Shane Van Boning In a race to 10 You have That's all I hang out with Yeah they're cool Yeah yeah of course

Oh yeah they're always cool But I'm always afraid They're gonna slip something In my drink Yeah there's that fear Ari Shafir would just He would just open himself up Like Jesus

Every town he goes to Let's hang out In Smokepot You got me Edible that means eat it Here we go Can't you bring an opening That you like like Jesus every town he goes to. Let's hang out at Smokepot. You got me. Edible, that means eat it. Here we go. Can't you bring an opening that you like?

I can now. I can now. You have to. But this is the first year that it's been mandatory. It's important to go through the ones where it's bad so that you'd appreciate the ones where it's good. It's very important. Yeah, and you'll always get a bad one anyway. Like the other night, it was at the improv,

and there was this young lady that was emceeing that just the rudimentary, fundamental emcee skills were just out the window. So now Doug Benson's going to come to the stage. He's been in. Well, that's it. You don't need to say anymore. You've said my name.

I'm going to come up now. You know, stuff like that. And standing there holding the microphone and hands it to each act when they come on instead of just put it back in the stand. And just leave. You've got an opener. Let's go to neutral. I don't necessarily want to start with the microphone in my hand.

I always feel bad for them, man. Yeah, yeah. Because it's... Their awkwardness and it's like... You know, when someone says... When someone comes up to you, what should I say before I bring you on? What do you say? I give them something to say because you feel like the nice thing to say is just say whatever you want.

But when you give them that license, then they say the weirdest shit. Really? So what? Let them say it, man. But it's funny. You're right. It can be funny what they say, but it also puts them into white hot panic because they don't want to think of what they're going to say about you sometimes. They don't want to have that on them.

They just want to know. What if they think you suck and they don't want to say it? Yeah, yeah. What if it's like Austin and you're working at Cap City and you got your bag of tricks and rockets you already shoot out of your asshole? And they're like Austin comedians. They don't want to say it. Tell me what to say, bitch. Yeah, yeah.

Come on. I'm in a real fucking comedy town. You suck. Tell me what to say, stupid. It, yeah. Come on, I'm in a real fucking comedy town. You suck. Tell me what to say, stupid. It's like those guys, what's that story about Judy Gold? She came up to someone and she was like, I think it was like some dick. And he was like, what do you want me to say? And she was like, I don't care.

I don't give a fucking shit. Just don't, you know what? Here's the thing. Don't make any jokes about my height. And he was like, okay. Let's just put the idea to sleep. Yeah, so then he says, what can I say about this next lady except for fee-fi-fo-fum? And then brought her on stage.

And you're like, man, you do not fucking. The worst person that ever brought me on stage was Frankie Pace. And it was total misunderstanding. For whatever reason, he thought that I was making fun of him. Because I had brought him up and I said he was old school. And I said, Frankie Pace, I go I said he was old school I you know I said Frankie Pace I go with some old school Long Island comedy because he was like this guy when I when I came up he had already been on television and he

was on you know he was like a big guy in Long Island like he would do like really well out there when I said that like Long Island comedian, I didn't mean... All he heard was old, old, old, old. That's all he heard, man. That's all he heard. Someone get a ramp for the stage. And so, I said it, you know, I heard he got upset, and I talked to him about it, and I explained to him. I said, no, listen, man.

I go, it's not... I go, it's a compliment. And so, he... Even after I said that to him, he went on stage, and he, you know, the comedy store is is always like you bring on the next comic. So it might be Dice Claim might bring you up. You never know who's going to bring you up at the comedy store. And he brings me up. And as he's bringing me up, he's telling my closing bit.

He's doing my, he's got this really kind of strange bit about tigers. Tigers having sex with each other. And it's just really loud i want you to prepare you for that like it's like a really like the douchiest intro of all time and so i go on stage and i go listen man i go when i called you old school i said i i go it means you have skills and i go doesn't that mean that folks like in the rapper world and the audience cheered i go dude i mean no disrespect and he goes well yeah well then you're new school and i was like oh no i reached out with love and this is what you did you now you've shown the green face of jealousy and then you said you're no school

you know no no i said you brought him up or i don't get here he brought you up he brought me he brought you up i had brought him up at another instance and get it. He brought you up. He brought me up. He brought you up. I had brought him up at another instance and I said he was an old school comedy veteran from Long Island. Oh, it's stuck in his fucking craw. You know, if I said Bert Kreischer with some old school stand up from fucking Tallahassee,

wherever the fuck. Is he in Tampa? Tampa. Tampa, Florida, bitches. I wouldn't want to see that. We would high five. We would high five as I brought him on stage and that would be the end of it.

I was just trying to hype him up. When I said he's an old school comedy veteran from Long Island, I didn't mean he sucked, man. But for whatever reason, mostly because I'm on this television show. I was on a sitcom at the time. He was still trying to make it

and he was flying back and forth. It was a total misunderstanding. That always bugged the shit out It was fun The people can get they can get upset man This is a fucking tricky business and a lot of people feel like it's not fair and when they feel like it's not fair for Whatever reason they focus their energy on you, you know And really this is a life lesson.

If you see someone and their success is making you angry, look inward. Look at yourself because that is your fucking problem 100% of the time. If that person upsets you, you may use them as fuel. You may use them as motivation. You can use them to say, I don't ever want to be that guy. This is a lesson that the universe has given me. But you can choose to not be upset at them. You can choose how you move forward. It's up to you. Of course.

It's 100% up to you. It's really hard, though. Guys like that, it is hard as fuck, bitch! You got to have discipline! You got to be able to stand in a horse stance. I don't think it's hard at all Yeah but that's you man If you don't think it's hard

You gotta dig in You gotta occasionally do squats Weed helps me to not be angry At other people's successes You need to have good posture And go deep What's he smoking? I don't know.

I think you put on the NASA suit and you're in space. Things like that are going to happen. I'm pretty sure the podcast is off the air by now. We're on Ustream. The shit cuts out at least 20 times a show. I thought that was the bonus round for only the folks that are going to get this on iTunes. It's frozen. Look behind you, Brian.

No, that's just the Mac Mini from four years ago oh we're YMCA what is this this is a fucking disc for you it's rock and roll what this is is a fucking CIA worm now I know why this funny guy

has not made it he's undercover man he's with the other side listen a while back I saw a tweet or whatever you were jamming. It's Queens of the Stone Age. I'm like, okay. There's some Queens on there. It's a mixtape.

Sir, we're not distributing illegal MP3s in the age of SOPA. You can't do that you can't burn it's against the law man I bought those

fucking cds I believe you did sir and I thank you kindly this is what I would prefer from you since I'm not poor I would like just a list of

all the shit you think is cool and I'll fucking pay for it I'll pay for that shit oh look at that I will man I have no business

taking anybody's free shit if anybody's selling any of the things on that CD, I... Burt's going to keep it for sure. I would have no... There's no way in my good conscience I could not buy it. It started with the double cassette player in the 80s. That's where this copyright shit came from.

Well, the cassette player period when people were freaking out. When cassette players came along, they could actually tape the radio. How dare you? I remember taping the radio. Dude, one of my favorite Terrence McKennana interviews one of my favorite terrence mckenna interviews terrence mckenna was being interviewed by art bell and someone taped it off the radio and terrence mckenna's fucking signals cutting out it's all and the the actual radio signal goes out almost at one point we could barely hear them it's crackling but it's still it's still

there and it's awesome because it's got this weird feeling of suspense. It's almost like you're there. You're really there while this whole thing is being taped and recorded. Do-do-do-do.

Powerful Bert Kreischer. We're just a collective. We have no response to that. High by contact, Berg Kreischer. That's a good record, man. Do you want to take a little breaky-poo and start, like... It's 940. We have 20 minutes before the show starts.

Why don't we take a breaky-poo now? We have the most hilarious and talented people on the fucking planet Earth. Where'd that Jew go? Where'd that crazy Jew go? Where's the Jew? No, I'm just saying, take a little break. Where's your fear? I don't know.

Do you want to take a break? Are you tired? I'm going to get them into the show. I know, because I have a lot of shit I have to saying take a little break. Where's your fear? I don't know. Do you want to take a break? Are you tired? I'm going to get them into the show. I know, I mean, because I have a lot of shit I have to set up and all this. What are you doing? You got a puppet show?

What the fuck are you doing? No, we have another comedy. We're doing a live comedy show in the next room. What are you worried about? It's 20 minutes from now. We'll do 10 more minutes. How about that?

All right. Your cult leader has spoken, Brian. I want to give people some of the fucking Armo's drinks. And plus, I want to get illegal with this shit. I want to start playing songs. I'm going to be like, let's have a party. Let's make it legit.

You know what? Brian just made a really excellent point. I'm going to rescind my prior ruling because if I were president, that's what I would do. This is what we're going to do. You're like GoDaddy style. Yeah, I'm going back just like GoDaddy.

We're going to end this podcast. I want to like GoDaddy style. Yeah. I'm going back just like GoDaddy. We're going to end this podcast. I want to thank you everybody for joining in. Thank you to Doug Benson. Please, please, please subscribe to his podcast. It is on iTunes and it's called Doug Loves Movies. Jason Gelerin, do you have anything these motherfuckers can connect to you on? Anything? Because they will.

They're going to reach out right now. The Twitter. Twitter. What is it? What the fuck is your name on Twitter? Jason Gelerin. Spell it, son? What the fuck is your name on Twitter? Jason Galeran. Spell it, son. What the fuck is a Galeran?

G-I-L-L-E-A-R-N. Say it one more time. Bingo. Jason Galeran. Isn't there a connection? It's not like J-A-Y-A-S. He is not, and he's busy. You can't use my guy.

Get your own guy, fuckface. With all the technology, they can't find My fucking Twitter name Spell your Twitter son If they're not fucking retarded I don't want them to follow me Just go to Deskquad.tv You'll be able to find

What if another guy Comes in Galern And he spells it Underscore Jason Galern Alphabetically You know what Either way

It doesn't fucking matter man Listen folks We're going away But we're not going away Hey I have shows at Tampa Improv New Year's Eve Go see them Powerful Bert Kreischer has spoken.

Hey, is it true that the SATs are for faggots? Oh, shit. By the way, if you see Bert Kreischer, if you see Bert Kreischer out there on the street, the proper way to address him is powerful Bert Kreischer. That is how you're supposed to say it. So if you see Bert Kreischer, I don't care if you're at the airport,

if you're at the fucking DMV, if you're in the line at Walmart, it is powerful Bert Kreischer. What if I'm smoking in front of his kid's school? Don't do that. Keep it to yourself, junkie. You're fucking up the cause, Derrick Benson.

Ruining it for the good folks. We'll be right back with the Ice House Chronicles, which is only available on the Desk Squad. We're going to stop this Ustream show and come back under this same available on the Death Squad. We're going to stop this Ustream show and come back under the same banner at the same website, but it's...

I know it's confusing. Stick with us. Listen, motherfucker, the podcast is still going. Don't go talking in your own separate groups. Jesus Christ. I know you're a first-timer.

I know. I'm about to thank the flashlight. These motherfuckers want to start talking about their kids. I know. What the fuck? How are your girls, Joe?

Thank you. Shut the fuck up. I'm talking. I'm turning down all the mics? How are your girls, Joe? Thank you. Shut the fuck up. I'm talking. I turned down all the mics. This is a goddamn... It's a commercial. This is fake anger. All of it's fake.

We actually like each other. Sometimes comedians will pretend to be upset just to try to make light out of everything. And you know, this is Jason's first time here. I don't want to really

make him uncomfortable. So I want him to know. It's okay, buddy. Hey, your mic's not on. That's right, you fuckhead. You can't talk. You can't talk while I'm talking. Your senses't want to really make him uncomfortable, so I want him to know. It's okay, buddy. Hey, your mic's not on. That's right, you fuckhead. You can't talk. You can't talk while I'm talking. You're censored like sopa, bitch.

Oh, my goodness. Censored like sopa. Listen, we love you, and we thank you all for tuning in. As always, this is our second anniversary show, and we are happy as fuck that you guys are enjoying this. We love to do it. Thank you to all our friends that are in this sort of a network of freaks. Our friend Doug Benson from Doug Loves Movies and Bert Kreischer

from Bert the Conqueror. On the Travel Channel, I bet you there's Jason Gelerne. Follow him on Twitter. Figure it out. He doesn't want to spell his name because he only wants people that can figure that out. And that's a smart move. Thank you to The Fleshlight. If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight and enter in the code name

Rogan, you will get 15% off. Holla at your boy. And then also we are sponsored by Onnit.com. O-N-N-I-T. Makers of AlphaBrain, a cognitive enhancer. ShroomTech Sport, an energy pill based on the cordyceps mushroom. This is an excellent supplement if you're into working out really hard. And ShroomTech Immune, which is an immunity supplement based on a completely different

mushroom. All information available at Onnit.com. O-N-N-I-T. Enter in the code name Rogan and you will get 10% off. What? What? Thank you all. We love you.

Thank you for tuning in for two years. 200 episodes, buddy. It's been the funnest thing we've ever done. And 2012 is not even... December 21st, 2012 is not even a year away oh shit