The Joe Rogan Experience - #1712 - Bert Kreischer (Part 1)

Episode Date: September 28, 2021

Bert Kreischer is a standup comedian, broadcast personality, and podcaster. He hosts television's "Go-Big Show," "The Bertcast" podcast, and co-hosts the "2 Bears, 1 Cave" podcast with Tom Segura. (This part 1 of a 2-part podcast.)

the Joe Rogan experience Joe Rogan podcast by night all day oh yeah hey Bert just took a selfie salute my brother cheers brother so good to see you it's great seeing you man oh my god how long has it been it's been months and months. It's been all quarantine. No, no. It was the first quarantine. We did a podcast right when, I think,

my special aired. Right. Right when it started going down. When we didn't know. When we smoked two separate joints because we were scared. Was that like May or something? It was March. March 20th we did a podcast. I think. Now we're ready to make out. Yeah. Little did I know I didn't need to do anyone's podcast. Stay at home orders are

really good for a special. Special comes out March 17th. Stay at home orders kick on March 15th. Perfect. Greatest timing ever. Fuck a snowstorm Ralphie Mae. Right. Everyone's at home. Dude it was

and then the cabin came out and I was like I was going to hit you up and do your podcast I was like you know what they still got stay at home. Dude, it was intense. And then the cabin came out, and I was like, I was going to hit you up to do your podcast. I was like, you know what? They still got stay-at-home orders. I think we're good. Yeah, well, one of the weirdest things that happened was podcasts are essential businesses. Yeah. Like, okay.

I'll tell you what, it kept me sane. Me and Tom did Two Bears, One Cave. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Best thing that ever fucking happened to me. Yeah, because it gives you something to do. Yeah, and we doubled down. When you weren't doing shows. We started doing two,, one cave. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Best thing that ever fucking happened to me. Yeah, because it gives you something to do. Yeah, and we doubled down. When you weren't doing shows. We started doing two, one every week.

And we were doing two a month. And we just, I mean, it was like complete, and we just forgot about COVID when we got in there. And may I be the one to say that you were the first person to figure out to do drive-through or drive-in movie shows. There's a lot of people, other people try to take credit for that, Bert Kreischer. I only listen to that podcast. It's not some different human. And I try to be diplomatic because I know it was you

and I was like, you know what it's like? It's like when someone has a hand grenade and they pull the pin and you're like, don't let go of that thing because that's a live hand grenade. No, it's not.

Okay. Can I tell you? And I told you outside, I got the same of that thing because that's a live hand grenade. No, it's not. Okay. Can I tell you? Okay. And I told you outside, I got the same Amanda Knox thing Malcolm Gladwell says she has, that guilty disorder. I listened to that and I went, oh my God, I didn't create the drive-in. Eliza did. I didn't create it.

You thought that? And I was like, I stole it from her. You panicked? I was like, I stole it from her. Because I'm going like, I thought, I was like, I know I came up with that. Like March 17th, the day of my special air, I called Nick N, I thought I was like, I know I came up with that. Like March 17th, the day of my special air and I called Nick news for, I said, yo, get me to drive in movie theaters. He's like, it's not a thing.

And I go, no, it is. It will make it a thing. I go, they're wide open. No one's using them. Let's get in there. We'll have all the feed going from my audio on a stage right next to the big screen. We'll shoot it. He was like, it's not a thing.

Then he hits me back. He goes, okay, I got it. Electronic dance producer, dance me EMD music whatever They think they can do it hotbox shout out to hotbox those guys are gangsters. He's like the money is shit he's like you got to pay for another tour bus a Thing to drag the stage around a crew of 12 He's like and you've got to pay rent the vent he says money is shit if you want to do it you can do it and I's like and you've got to pay rent the vent he's like it's money as shit but

if you want to do it you can do it and i was like i was like let's do it and they signed me up for like 14 and i was like hang on let's do like a couple and see if i don't want to commit to a fucking summer so we did the first one in a rock quarry in north carolina the most beautiful location i did an hour and 35 minutes in 35 35 minutes, I did my whole hour, and I was like, time to tell the machine twice. I was like, fuck it. And I called him that night on the bus. I was like, book me in every city. I think we did like 60 cities. Yeah, I remember

you telling me about the idea. I knew you came up with it, but there was a moment where it was like a 30-second moment in the podcast while Jamie was looking it up. Me too. I was like, goddam moment in the podcast while jamie was looking it up where i was like me too i was like god damn it i hope jamie's good i watched i was like i was out there in june the best thing was her reaction well that's not safe like it's the difference between

september and what was it when did you come up with it your first shows were like june right june and we were out all summer and it was the coolest fucking thing. And look, I think anyone was there. We did, I think 2000 cars in Philly. That's wild. Fucking we had, I was telling jokes to people a quarter of a mile away, like a quarter of a mile away. Couldn't even see the stage. They just had screens everywhere. But what was great is you get done the show, you get in the back of a golf cart with a cocktail, Tito's and soda shirt off. I'd stand where the golf bags sit. And I just drive through the line while they were in traffic and go, thanks for coming.

Do my meet and greet that way. And it was the funnest way to spend a pandemic summer, in a bubble, on a bus. And people were, like, I think people would admit, not the best comedy show they've ever seen in their life. I mean, we did good work, but like. Not the best environment. Not the best environment, but everyone was grateful. They're like like you got us out of the house you made us feel normal again

thank you very much like everyone was grateful not one complaint the entire summer look at that dude this was this is this is this that was in pittsburgh that's one of the better locations i played at uh that's so awesome butler pennsy. It was brilliant. It was beautiful. I love that you did it. It was so much fun. No, it was a very innovative thing. Is that what Variety gave you the award for? Yeah. Did they give you the award for this?

Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, because no one was touring. Right. And you did it. Listen, that's as safe as you can get. People are in their fucking cars. Yeah. They're in their cars sick like 10 feet away from each other it's it's genius yeah it's genius it was a amazing idea

dude i love it thank you thank you very much joe i remember telling the idea to tom when i came up with it and tom goes looks me in the eyes and goes you don't want to be a guinea pig i go what are you talking about and he was like he was like I don't know man he was like I just we'll keep doing the podcast stay here don't worry about it and I was like do you mean a guinea pig for science for medicine or for trying out a new kind of comedy for trying out a new kind of comedy he's like you know could fuck up your career he's like yeah I already sold out a whole theater tour and uh and so he like, you couldn't fuck up your career. And I was like.

How are you going to fuck up your career? Because you do it and it's bad and you bomb and then all your fans are like, well, that fucking sucked. And then you lose a market. Zoom comedy can fuck up your career. I didn't do any of that. I watched really great comics do Zoom comedy with no audience. And their comedy looked terrible. Like great jokes.

I saw a couple of those. That I know is funny. If you saw it in front of a crowd at The improv he'll be brilliant. Let me tell you and and the the award I got variety I love the name of this award. It's called damn the torpedoes. Is that what's cut now? Is that my mic or your no stop on my headset your headset on anything? It's just it started cut now It's fucking up Jamie. Will you find out who said damn the torpedoes? It was Winston Churchill, my favorite fucking alcoholic. Check, check, check, check.

Here we go. All right, we're back. Winston Churchill said damn the torpedoes. Is that it? Was he an alcoholic? Let me put my cigar down for a second. He looks like one. Hold on.

Don't even tell me who said it because let me just tell you about Winston Churchill. Hey, Jamie, this is a problem. There's something going on here. When he's talking, it's cutting out when I'm talking too. Pause. We'll be right back, ladies and gentlemen. Sorry, folks. We had to lose wire.

So Winston Churchill. Winston Churchill would wake up every morning with a scotch and a cigar, eggs, bacon, toast, and his paper. Now I'm hungry and I want to read. Jamie, pull up Burt Kreischer Winston Churchill Day. So I find out this and I go, and then he'd go to lunch. He'd have a bottle of champagne at lunch. A whole bottle? A whole bottle.

A whole bottle at Lunch how old do you think he was me died? See I think it was like 82 78 But pretty good so I find this out and I become obsessed with winch inter show. What's his name Winston Churchill? So I decide on his the day of death, I'm going to celebrate Winston Churchill Day. And you're going to do it like he did it? Joe, my wife sucks at presents. I mean, sucks at buying presents. She bought me a generator one year.

That's a good present. Yeah. In a pandemic, it wasn't that bad. And she made me a scotch, eggs, bacon, coffee, water, toast, jam, berries. And Joe, all these little crystal things, the toast holder, she bought that all for Christmas. And she said, we're celebrating Winston Churchill Day with you.

That was one of the best days I've ever had in my life. I woke up with a scotch and a cigar and smoked it in my bed. That's pretty nice. It was fucking out of this world. And then I won the Damn the Torpedoes line. Is that Winston Churchill? No, it was somebody else. Motherfucker. Full speed ahead. Damn the Torpedoes. And then I won the tour the damn the torpedoes line right is that Winston Churchill motherfucker

Full speed ahead damn the reports how great a glass cow Farragut Yeah also spelled Glasgow Coe or Cow oh In the American Civil War Or COW. Oh, and the American Civil War.

Flag officer. So damn the torpedoes means, what does the phrase mean? It means ignore the cautions, right? Does it? Damn them. Like, fuck those torpedoes. To dismiss the risk of a dangerous action. And so I got that award because I did that.

I looked at Tom and I was like, yeah, I don't mind being a guinea pig. I was like, fuck it. If it's fun, I'll do it. And then halfway through I just put up video and Tom goes, oh, this is so you. He was like, this might be more you than theaters. Like, cause we get there, Dave Williamson would start smoking a fucking,

remember I hit you up in San Antonio? I was like, I go, we got an A5 Wagyu brisket. Dave would wake up, we'd get pulled in the bus, Dave would put on a brisket, we'd start barbecuing, we'd wake up. Who's get pulled in the bus, Dave would put on a brisket, we'd start barbecuing, we'd wake up. Who's Dave? Dave Williamson, fantastic comic and amazing barbecuer.

Really? He's got a podcast called Meet Dave and he knows more about barbecue. M-E-E-T? M-E-A-T. M-E-A-T. Meet Dave. And he is, I mean, I could not say enough about him.

So it's like a barbecue slash comedy podcast? Yeah. That's a genius idea. It's a genius idea, and he's a genius barbecuer. Where does he live? He lives in El Segundo. During the pandemic, what he'd do is he'd go in, and he'd get a bunch of ribs.

He's a big smoker. Get a bunch of ribs, a bunch of briskets, send out a mass email to all his neighbors, go put in your orders, they'll be here, drop off whatever you want to give me. Wow. Put in a rack of ribs, 20 bucks. Dave would make enough to barbecue for himself, feed family make a few little beer money he loves it

and he loves it he's passionate about it like no shit like the way you're passionate about so many different things but when you find something you just immerse yourself in it dave was like that with barbecue he got into it and now when we, we tour the top barbecue in the area, this whole summer would drop off huge trays for us because they know Dave's into barbecue. Oh, that's amazing. And so what does he bring to travel to cook with? Well, we have a rec tech travel smoker. It's about this big. It fits on our bus and we burn that thing inside and out. I mean, we've used it. It's a pellet grill? Pellet grill. About this big.

We put salmon on it. He'll do a rub on the salmon. Ooh. He feeds us like kings. Wow. I mean, we eat amazing. And he's a good comic? He's a fantastic comic. What a great fucking thing to have.

There's Dave. There he is. Look at him. Dave opened with me and Mark. He was with me and Mark Norman in Red Rocks. Look at his shirt. Yeah. What is that thing?

Oh, it's a barbecue, one of them chimneys. Oh, so he's doing it traditional style, too. He does it. Oh, he does it everywhere. A green egg. So he's just all about the barbecue. He's got his own rub. Oh, he's got his own rubs?

Yeah. Jesus Christ, Dave. Go to his Instagram, everyone. It's DaveWComedy, and you can follow him. And he puts barbecue content up all the time. Wow. He's got his own rub, and he is an amazing comic. Nice.

Yeah. Pretty fucking bad. Oh, look at that. He's got his own little fucking thing on his little truck. Yeah. He's the best, man. He's like the reason I can tour with him, because he's the easiest guy to get along with. He gets a joke.

Like one night we were drinking, and we driving down the road and he was in the shower and I just took all my clothes off and got in with him and started yelling, party shower. And he just, and he coaches water polo. He was like, that was problematic for my kids. Trust me. Like they follow your Instagram. But yeah, man, that was our summer is we barbecue,

we party and Tommy's like, you know, this is so you, he did the Rose Bowl with me. We did the Rose Bowl together. Sold it out, huge venue, sunsets over the mountains. Wow. Tom's like, this is fucking awesome. Did you do any testing at all when you were doing this? So this was like when testing wasn't super available.

So we would test in L.A. and then all get on the bus. And then that remained our bubble the entire tour. So we would not have, we'd have zero contact with everyone. And then we really stepped it up because the first time we came in and then we all quarantined in the bus for like five days at my new house, just sat there in a bus. And then I was like, fuck that. I was like, you know what? I'm not making money on this tour. I'm not making a ton of money on this tour. I was like, let's get us a house, you know what? I'm not making money on this tour. I'm not making a ton of money on this tour. I was like, let's get us a house in Sedona. And let's quarantine in Sedona for five days.

That way we know we're clean and then drive into LA. And then we get tested in Salt Lake City or wherever it was there. We get tested and drive in. And it was the best summer. It was the best experience I've ever had comedy-wise up until Red Rocks. But it was just awesome. It was fun and experience I've ever had comedy-wise up until Red Rocks. But it was just awesome. It was fun, and people were appreciative. And then couple that with the fact that I'm business partners with one of the most fucking brilliant men in the world, Tom Segura.

And we start doing our live gigs, those Two Bears Live. Yeah, yeah. And it was like, I'd come home, I'd do a live gig with him, getout drunk tether our dicks together with electrodes shock each other's dicks You guys did that Joe? So we go to a dominatrix for one of our live gigs right right so we heard about that But I didn't hear the whole story so we go in and I'm a hundred percent game the second we get there I'm like really game Tom's a little hesitant, and so I open up a bottle of whiskey

I go why don't we start drinking and loosen up? A couple of buffalo traces later, Tom and I are in our underwear. We're standing at each other and this woman's like, so I can tether your dicks together and shock him. I'm like, we're in. Tom's like, I don't think this is a good idea. Yeah, it's a bad idea. I go, we should do it, Tom. It'll be great for the live show. Tether.

I don't like that word with dicks. Because what happens if someone falls? Like, how are you tethered? We're standing face to face. Right, what if something goes wrong? Like, what if your dick gets ripped off because Tom falls back? He's not a small person. We didn't think this through entirely.

I'm not going to lie to you. Standing each other, we have these cock rings on our cocks. Oh, boy. Electrodes going to two different controllers, and she's just cranking us up. Like dog collar type controllers or taser? I don't know. Because like dog collar hurts, but taser incapacitates you.

That's what I'm worried about. No. I think it was much more like the TENS machine. Oh, okay. So it was just electric. TENS. Yeah, so like you go to the therapist and you need muscle problems

So she'd hit our cocks just don't and then and then back and forth conk conk and we're crying laughing I mean, what have you just like a fucking rocket ship so we get done and she looks at us and she goes alright That's as high as they go. I'm like cool She's like alright you guys want me to make you guys come and Tom and I look at each other and we're like No all right, you guys want me to make you guys come? And Tom and I would look at each other, and we're like, no. And then she goes. Look at you two. We had so much.

What a hairy fella. Very hairy. Like a gorilla. This is back when he had two good arms. And you guys are chained up while this is happening? Chained up. So when she said make you come, how was she to do that that's what we asked next we're like so how would that happen she goes ah take you guys out in the other room take a vibrator put in your cock and you guys would just blow a load and we're like a vibrator put it in your cock put it on your cock a vibrator

on your cock a vibrate your cock until you guys come and both tom and i are like can you show us where you'd put it on our cocks because we'll find the vibrator and do it to ourselves later. And she was just like, ah, don't worry about it. And then the best part is we get done, right? We're done. And this other dominatrix comes in. It looks like this is like a fucking trap house for dominatrix.

You're in a trap house? Yeah, so like these dominatrix just rent a room in this house and then come in, torture a dude, and then bail it's like a hair nail salon right like a hair salon like a pop-up yeah yeah like a pop-up for a restaurant so so so so between me and tom i always get recognized because i'm so loud tom never tom never is the one that gets recognized it's always between me and it's always me so this girl walks in and she lights up hot as fuck she She goes, Tom Segura. And he's

like, hi. She was like, what are you doing here? And he's like, oh, we're just shooting a thing for my live event. She's like, I'm the biggest fan. And he was like, oh really? She's like, oh my God, wait, can I, can I do some stuff with you? And he's like, well, we're all done. She's like, oh my God, I, would it be too much to ask if I get a picture? And he goes, sure. And he's like, anyone else? Do you want to get a picture with anyone else in the room she looks at me she's like nah just you i'm a big fan he's like yeah looks at me gives me a wink they go over and she goes all right get on your knees and he's like huh she's like get on your knees so tom gets on his knees and gets a picture with the dominatrix and i'm dying laughing get on your knees i'm a big fan i'm a big fan get on your knees, bitch. I'm a big fan. I'm a big fan. Get on your knees, bitch.

And Tom, just because we were such in a dom mood, we'd been dominated all day, he just got on his knees and took the picture. Oh my God. That's hilarious. I miss, dude, I miss him not living in LA. I miss you not living in LA. Come live out here, bitch. It's a better place to live.

It's so nice out here, dude. I'm telling you, I'm never going back. I miss you not living in LA. Come on out here, bitch. It's a better place to live. It's so nice out here, dude. I'm telling you, I'm never going back. I went back. I did the Forum, and I did Sacramento. Had a great fucking time. But when I went back, I was like, Jesus Christ, the traffic, and everyone feels like they're a prisoner.

They're all, like, people are, like, they have anxiety. Like, everyone has anxiety in L.A. You don't realize it until you get out of there. I just think that there's a thing that happens when you're around large groups of people. There's a lot of excitement, like when you visit New York City. It's great if New York City is popping like three years ago. It was great.

Yeah. But now it's sketchy, right? So there's a certain amount of energy because there's a lot of people, but there's a certain amount of anxiety because there's a lot of people but there's a certain amount of anxiety That comes with just being overwhelmed by population by just large numbers that goes away out here the thing about Living here. There's a million people in the city. It's like huh? Goes away. Yeah, one's friendly. They're all nice And we Tom we went to the soccer game last night, and it was like I was like oh shit I'm not having like panic attacks. Yeah, like this is yeah

That's a lot of it a lot of it's just population when I built that apocalypse truck that Land Cruiser I got I built it because I was telling my wife I was like if some shit goes down We got to be able to get the fuck out of here like legitimately Like I need a big tank of gas and we got to have money and we got to have guns. Like you have to. And she was like, this is such a ridiculous idea. Then the pandemic hit and she saw the lines in front of gun stores and she saw people freaking out.

And then everyone was like hoarding food and toilet paper. And I was like, yeah, this is what I'm telling you. I saw this. I didn't see this, but I saw if shit goes south, no one's ready. No one's ready. And this is not a good place to be because there's no resources here. There's no food. There's no real water. The water's in the ocean or, you know, reservoirs and they'll dry up. It's a fucking, they have to get the water from somewhere else. It doesn't rain there. It's not a good place to live. I was, I, when, when the pandemic hit, I've always been a little bit of a conspiracy thinker

and a little bit of a catastrophe thinker. I always think of catastrophe. My tongue's not working right. You need to get drunker. You want another one? I'll just kill this one. There you go. Bring that bitch over here.

I got guns. I got food. How many guns did you get? I was told not to tell anyone. Why? Because I was telling everyone how many guns I had and where I got food. How many guns did you get? I was told not to tell anyone. Oh. Why? Because I was telling everyone how many guns I had and where I kept them. Oh, yeah. Don't do that. I did that on my special. Yeah, don't do that.

But I got guns. I went to tactical. Taron Tactical. He taught me how to use them. I can't barely say his fucking name. He taught me how to use them. I can barely say his fucking name. He taught me how to use them. I felt competent.

Isn't it great going there? It's the best thing in the world. And by the way, I got to give a shout out to Taron because when the pandemic hit, reached out. Is there anything you need any help with? Yeah. He's a good guy. Fucking solid dude. He's a good guy.

Really? He's literally one of the best gun instructors in the world. I mean, taught Keanu Reeves how to shoot for John Wick. Teaches, taught Halle Berry. Teaches everybody. How many different people went there? Tons, tons of people. But I had guns, and I also had a stockpile of meat in our outdoor freezer.

Oh, that's a good move. And then I did your podcast, and you were like, hey, man, how are you on meat? And I was like, I'm okay. You're like, you want 10 pounds of elk? And I was like, I'll take it. And Leanne came up and apologized. She was like i'll take it and we've and leanne came up and apologized she's like i didn't even think about i always have a stack of cash to we can roll with she's like i i thought you were crazy and she was like we got all this meat we got all this food we

got guns i feel safe as fucking shit in this house and i was like yeah sometimes it's okay to have anxiety and just so you're ready for bad shit. You just have to be prepared for the worst. It doesn't mean that you have to think that everybody's evil. It doesn't mean you can't be kind and friendly. You can be all those things, but be ready. But you also have to be charitable. Like one of the biggest resources when shit goes south is other people. You know, you can't like people hoard, right? They want to hoard. They want it all for themselves. The problem with that is the same problem with, we all know certain people that when they become successful, they're very lonely. Because they don't want anyone else to be successful.

They want it all about them. Those people, they get real lonely because they have no peers. And so the only time they have friendships are these superficial friendships. They have to go to red carpet events and weird events where there's other celebrities. And they interact with those people in these real superficial ways. And those are literally some of their only social interactions with people so they don't have any real moments where they have like real friends where they could tell about their failures or their their anxieties or their fears or their insecurities like shit that you and i can talk about easy yeah they don't have that they don't have these kind of friendships that's a terrible place to be and when the shit goes south like if

there's any kind of a pandemic or anything the best thing you can have is a good crew of humans that you can count on you can count on them they can count on you where you know if you have five people and they all know how to get food and they all maybe someone's got chickens or someone has a fucking well at their house or you can help each other you can help each other yeah that's that's what a a tribes all about these motherfuckers that They're only thinking about themselves when it goes bad It goes real bad for them goes and those are the ones that you're seeing on Twitter that are freaking the fuck out all the Time and yelling at people about random shit and just shaming people and calling people out and like for what well What is what is help? What's helping with this not helping anything? It doesn't make any sense to me the the person that finds the joy in that.

It's no joy. They just don't have any discipline or self-control or any sort of introspective understanding. They don't have an understanding of how they interact with other people. They're just doing it because they're scared. And this pandemic brought so much of that out because there's so many people out there that haven't experienced any sort of real adversity in their life. You know, they've had like difficulties in their career and trying to get ahead, but like real fucking hardcore adversity. They've run away from that and they've sought comfort. So whenever anything

goes south, those people are the first ones to yell. They're the first ones to try to find some enemy or try to find some scapegoat or some reason for why they're so scared or someone who's not following the rules or doing what they want you to do and wear two masks and all those motherfuckers. I got videotaped by some lady.

Like right at the beginning of the pandemic, we're walking the dogs, me and the girls, and I just assumed if you're outside, you don't have to wear a mask. You shouldn't. You shouldn't have to wear a mask outside. But I had like a neck gaiter around my wrist in case something happened,

we got in contact with someone, and she's videotaping. She's either videotaping or she's on a FaceTime call or whatever, but she's got her phone out, mask on and then lights up me and my daughters and our dogs and she goes, and there's another one and I know the camera's on me. I know

this is how people get in trouble and I just yell out, you're a cunt! And I just kept walking. My daughters are like, they're like, dad, you can't do that. And I was like, I don't give a fuck. Like, that's not and I know that. And I was like, I don't give a fuck. Like that's, that's not. And I know the mental health.

I mean, I know that fracked, I I'm back in therapy because I, this, even for me, and I'm a pretty level headed dude, this pandemic was, it fucks with your head.

It fucks with your head. You don't go out in public for 17 months. And then all of a sudden they're like, Oh, just, you know, everything's up. Go to the Denver airport.

And you're like, huh? It doesn't know, everything's up. Go to the Denver airport and you're like, huh? It doesn't just fuck with your head. The problem is there's tears to this shit. And the idea that this is over is nonsense. This is not over. This is just beginning. This pandemic thing is just beginning. We're going to have to figure out a

way to deal with this kind of stress in a better way because I don't think this is going away and I think this is gonna get worse I really do is this our new normal then I think our new normal is similar to this but it might be worse legitimately the FDA backed off the boosters they say we're not gonna have boosters but the FDA said that for real two people yeah two people resigned because they didn't see any science in the boosters.

I had my money on that Johnson & Johnson booster. I was like... Well, the Johnson & Johnson booster, when you do get it, within two months, they said it's 94% effective against COVID. The problem is variance. Jesus. Yeah. I would be... I'm so...

Obviously, it's no one's fault that they don't know what to do. Like, I remember the mask, no mask thing at the very beginning. And they're like, masks aren't helpful. Okay, masks are helpful. I understand the whole you got to figure out what you're doing. We're not going to know until five years from now what we did right and what we did wrong. But I'm just – it bums me out. Because, you know, I look at my daughters.

I know you probably look at your daughters. And my daughters spent junior and sophomore junior freshman year yeah not in school locked up locked up i look at my buddy's son now going to school over at emerson his senior year of high school it was in a house yeah and with his parents and the worst and that and that's that that's not good for a child's brain and look my brain is already fucking broken i've done everything i can to it dude i think it's even worse for babies. I think for little kids, it's the worst. Yeah.

For little two-year-olds and three-year-olds, like their whole life, they've worn masks. It doesn't even make sense because to them- They don't even think about it. They don't even think about it. They just put them on and they just go. Or they don't and then they get kicked off airplanes crying. What? Yeah.

You haven't seen the videos of people getting kicked off airplanes because their two-year-old won't keep a mask on their face? You haven't seen that? No. Dude, it's the saddest shit of all time. My two-year-olds would have never put a mask on their face. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. They're crying, crying because they can't fucking breathe right. And it just feels uncomfortable.

And not only that, it doesn't make any sense. Like, what we really need to do is figure out how to test and test quickly and safely. There was a test that they were talking about. And I don't know whatever came of this, but it was a saliva-based test that they were going to have where you just lick something and you would get a result within 30 seconds. I remember someone telling me about this. I can't remember who told me about this, but it was a person who understands and knows. And I don't know if it wasn't effective. I don't know what the reason why we didn't get that but that would have been the shit like so you get on a plane everybody licks this fucking thing you find out if you have it and then

everybody who has it you get sent home and everybody who doesn't have it gets on the plane instead what are you doing we're sitting right next to each other pretending that this little paper thing or a bandana is protecting you from the air that we're all breathing i mean who the fuck got kicked off a plane where they went into the cockpit and they filmed the pilot and the pilot didn't have a mask on cody garbrand that's right oh i know cody no love from yeah from the ufc yeah former band away champion who went into the fucking cockpit his It was because of his baby, too. It was the same deal. I saw that.

I think he streamed it or I saw that on Instagram. Yeah, he walked into the fucking cockpit and he filmed the pilots with no masks on. He's like, we're all breathing the same air. What the fuck is going on here? This is so ridiculous. But I was under the impression, and I don't have kids that young anymore, but I was under the impression that there was like an age where you didn't have to wear a mask. There should be. But the problem is if that kid has COVID, the thing about COVID is if a three-year-old has COVID, it's not,

I shouldn't say it's not dangerous to them, but statistically it's not nearly as dangerous as the flu. And we're not testing any kids for the flu. We're letting kids on flights all the time that have the flu. The problem is the flu is not nearly as deadly for older people. I don't mean like old people. I mean people like in their 30s and 40s, right? The COVID, for whatever reason, is more dangerous when you're in your 40s and 50s and what have you than the flu is, statistically. Not by a giant amount, but by a significant amount where you can measure it. But for kids, it's not.

For kids, they could have it and they could spread it, and they don't even get sick for the most part. Some kids do, especially kids with comorbidities, right? But my kids both got COVID and it was way less than any serious cold they've ever had. Your kids got it early? Yeah. When my daughter was 12, she got it

and she had a headache for a day. And then my other daughter, and this is my one that works out all the time and she's very fit. And then my other daughter, and she's not fit, she had it, but she was younger and she was sick for like two days. But she didn't feel good. She legitimately didn't feel good.

The other one was laughing when she found out she had COVID because she got to stay home from school. She thought it was funny. She's wild, though. She's a wild kid. You get one of those, and then you get – You know how they are. You're a parent.

I just spent time with Tom's fucking kids. Are you kidding me? Have you met Tom's kids? No, but he told me hilarious shit about his kid calling him Tom. Oh, they are? You're a parent. I just spent time with Tom's fucking kids. Are you kidding me? Have you met Tom's kids? No, he told me hilarious shit about his kid calling him Tom. Oh, yesterday, Joe, I come in. I get off the plane, get on the couch. Tom takes a shit. I play with his kids for a little bit.

And his oldest, Ellis, comes in. Christina shows up. Tom's there. His oldest comes in. He goes, hey, Bert, I got you a cup of water. And I go, thanks, buddy. I was on a cup of water. And I go, thanks, buddy. I was on a plane all day. And Tom goes, hold on, hold on.

Ellis, where did you get that from? And he goes, the sink. And he goes, Ellis, you can't reach the sink. Did you get that from the toilet? And he goes, no. And I go, did you just get a cup of water from the toilet? And he goes, no. Dead serious, no.

I go, take a sip of this water. And he goes, no. I go, sip my water before I get it. And he goes, no. I go, where did you get this water? He goes, Tom knows he got it and this kid is straight fucking face and he goes take a sip Bert take a sip

and I go no I'm not taking a sip of your fucking water I go you take a sip and then Tom goes in and he goes don't touch the water it's from the fucking toilet there was a water trail from the toilet to the fucking couch and he goes Ellis did you put that did you get that from the fucking toilet. There was a water trail from the toilet to the fucking couch. And he goes,

Ellis, did you put that, did you get that from the fucking toilet? And he goes, I did. And I just walked out of the room. I looked at Tom, I was like, please take me to my room.

I'm gonna lock my fucking doors. The kid just wanted to get you to drink toilet water. He goes, and from the fucking toilet. But Joe, he played it like he was on

Impractical Jokers. I mean, it was like, straight faced. I'm glad you're growing up with Tom and Christina. I can't. Two top shelf comics

as your parents. I walked in their house yesterday. I walked in their house. Ellis comes up, Daddy just called us fuckers. And then I go, what? Tom comes around the corner

and he goes, they painted the goddamn fucking walls. They painted my fucking walls. And I'm like, holy shit. I'm like, I'm home, guys. Uncle Bird's here. I go, Ellis, you ever have gum?

And he goes, no. And I go, ah. And Tom goes, get the fucking gum away from him. He's not allowed to have gum. He's five. What's a kid going to be like when he's 15? He is going to be fucking hilarious. This kid, I had more fun with this kid. Him and his youngest brother is the sweetest goddamn thing in the world. This kid, I had more fun with this kid. Him and his youngest brother

is the sweetest goddamn thing in the world. This kid just pulls me aside, just wants to connect with you. He's like, I'm going to wash dishes before mommy gets home. You want to wash dishes? And I'm like, yeah, let's wash dishes. And then I go, I say to them, I go, hey, did you guys ever meet the dog that lives underneath your sink?

And they're like, there's a dog under our sink? I go, yeah, when you put food in there, there's a dog that your parents never showed you the dog. And they go, no. So I go, hey, hey, come here, buddy. And I hit the garbage disposal. And they're like, there's a dog under there? And then Christina just comes over and goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We don't try to

pet the dog. Bert, what the fuck are you doing? And I was like, huh? She's like, you just taught him how to use a garbage disposal. And they're going to put their hand out. I was like, okay, my bad. Send me to my room. Send me to my room. Yeah. It's been fun staying with Tommy.

I'm going to enjoy this entire fucking month. I'm sure. I'm here every fucking Monday, Tuesday, every fucking. Him having kids, him and Christina having kids is really like a science project. Like, what is it like with parents who love fucking with each other and fucking with everybody else and laughing about anything? Including like people getting badly injured like what is it like growing up with them dude? Meanwhile they both fall and break their legs

Both of them. There's a part. There's some time They both have broken legs in the house at the same time like one recovers the other one breaks their leg. Yeah There's there's a thing I won't talk about it's the funniest fucking thing i've ever seen in my goddamn life why can't you talk about it because it's his i want him to use it as a bit i told him i said sometimes when you when you're with sometimes he did this for me with my girls is like uh he's like this is funny as shit but you're so in the weeds with your kids that you're like huh right you can't see it and so he takes me downstairs and shows me his kid's room and i go are you fucking kidding and he goes what i go this is the thing and he goes huh i go is this a bit

and he goes no it's not funny at all we can't and i and i go tom it's got to be a bit it's got to be a bit and he goes oh yeah that is pretty funny but it's like that's the way things work when you have kids you have to do with smearing shit on the walls or anything no it's no it's just it's good it's just good it. And he'll figure it out on stage and then everyone will go, oh, that's the thing. It's just funny

watching two guys who I knew when they were broke. I mean, piss broke. Well, she's a girl. So you rude fuck. Whatever. You misgendered her.

How dare you? Two guys? Two people. Humans. Two human beings that I've loved for a very long time who used to come to me when they were

so broke they would come to my house to eat because they didn't have money and I was headlining for like two thousand bucks a week maybe hitting bonuses and they come over all the time and they knew my kids intimately. They knew my kids very very very well. Uncle Buns and Push and

they knew my family and I said to Leanne I was like hey i'm flying down to austin every week in october and i said you got to come down you got to meet these fucking kids and i was like they know our kids so well so well i mean my daughter's and still calling buns and and uh and i go you got to meet his kids it's like it sucks that he's down here and that we won't be a part of his family the way we were I mean cuz when let me when Tommy fell and hurt himself Moves like there was a no-brainer. I called Leanna said hey They need us and we just went and we went to his house at night stayed until like 1 in the morning after the fall

Well, I can't believe he slept on the couch with a broken arm after leaving one hospital and going to another one It was I i mean that's crazy i don't think he was i mean i say this and i obviously tom has can say whatever he wants to say but i don't think he was in his right state of mind i think he didn't be i think he was a little out of it just from the trauma the shock yeah that affected me pretty deeply that whole thing because you know because you moved his arm you probably fucked him up okay listen i fucking saved his goddamn life you might have i might have you might have fucked his arm up too i might not have or i might have might have it's hard to tell it's

hard to tell but you know doctors are doing everything they can do and listen i love him to death and i had surgery on my arm too look if there's karma if there's karma i got the fucking surgery too well you had a minor surgery You had a very major surgery compared to what Tom had. You were on stage with like a robot arm on. Yeah. Tom had, what, a seven-hour surgery? Yeah. Mine was 30 minutes.

What did they do? Just reattach your tricep tendon? Yeah, reattach my tricep tendon. But it didn't all tear, right? The part that was still attached? 59% tore. So you could have just let it go if you didn't want to flex your triceps. Oh, come on, bro. You didn't all tear, right? 59% tore. So you could have just let it go. If you didn't want to flex your triceps.

Oh, come on, bro. You didn't want to show everybody. I'm in. Do dips. I was in physically the best shape I'd ever been in when I shot that movie. Benching 235. Wow. For me, that's a lot.

I was throwing up clean. Shout out to Burt Soren. And shout out to you obviously and everyone at Onnit you guys that all the guys at Onnit helped hook me up with weights and and Bert hooked me up with the fucking rack yeah he's awesome he really is awesome incredible and you hooked me up with Bert and and so all that and I was loving it and then I got hurt and remember that time we all bench pressed drunk as fuck at my studio? Yeah, I tell people about that and they don't believe it. I go, you know, we all tried to do 220, 225 is the two plates.

That's like a man's bench. If you're listening to this for political reasons and you've never bench pressed, then you need to know that two plates, clink, clink, is a man's bench. If you do that, then you're a man. And so me, Tom and Ari, it was right after Sober October ended. We were hammered. And we were like, let's see if I can always throw up 225. In my head, I can.

And I got pinned hard. Ari got under, got pinned worse than any of us. Tom got it off his chest and was trembling. But Tom lifts weights. But he had a hard time. And then you go in and you throw up a pro football combine record of like 15 17 18 i remember telling someone that and they're like joe rogan penches 220 i go joe rogan works out for like i remember all of us are like all right joe come on let's go to dinner man what

the fuck are you doing and you just i don't know man fuck it and then you get to dinner you're like i think i hurt myself i was like something feels wrong my pec, but I was so drunk. You know, when you're drunk and you're lifting weights, you ignore, like, twinges. Yeah. You know, I was like, let's see how many reps we can get out of this. I think I, I really think I only got to 13. I think I got to 13 and I stopped. It was, uh, it was, well, that was a little bit. 13 or 14.

There was something where I was like, this is probably. I think you put it up at 15 and you were like, all right, I'm not doing it anymore. And we were all like, come on, 20 is like what a linebacker does. Come on, Joe. Yeah, that – Benching is the way a lot of guys hurt their shoulders. I was just talking to my buddy Cam Haynes. He fucked his shoulder up benching too.

Whenever someone fucks their shoulder up, I go, were you benching? Yeah. There's something about benching. I don't know what it is. I don't know why what it is i don't know what what about that motion but a lot of people tend to fuck their shoulders up doing that i don't bench anymore that's the crazy thing is then i don't bench i didn't bench then really no i don't bench like when i did that when i banged out all those 225s i don't bench i don't bench at all so

wait so so what like So what are you doing? Kettlebells. Everything's kettlebells. Everything's kettlebells. That's all I do. Dude, the video, I don't even know. I barely remember things I've seen of Cam Haynes working out with David Goggins. David Goggins is yelling, get him in the boat.

Who's going to carry the boat? Who's going to carry the boat? Yeah. That. Yeah. Well, you know what Cam told me? Cam goes, what's crazy about Goggins is as he gets tired, he gets more crazy, and then he pushes harder.

He goes, right when you think he's going to be done, he starts yelling, they don't know me, son. They don't know me, son. And he gets like an extra gear, and he goes further. That's a group of people i wish i'd never look at this give me some volume on this david coggins oh nobody works like david in this house 13 come on 14 come on 15 shut that muscle down 16. come on get it 17. they don't know me son 18. me son 18. You don't know me, son.

19. You don't know me, son. 20. You got some more in you. 21. Yeah, get it in. It's mental. I'm telling you.

His mind is bulletproof. Good. 22. Who's going to carry the boats? That's it. That's it. Who's going to carry the boats? Come on, 23.

Look at his eyes. Look at his eyes. It's just like he reaches in. Who's going to carry the just like he reaches into his brain and he hits a switch and juice comes out. You know? And like psycho juice comes out. Dude, let me tell you something. I have that fucking voice in my head at times. Usually I'm drunk on a plane.

You should. Who's going to carry the boats? David Goggins. If you make a shirt that says who's going to carry the boats, I will buy it. He probably has one. I was going to wear his sweatshirt today, but I walked outside and it was too warm. I was going to wear it on the podcast today. He's got David Goggins gear.

It's like a battle axe. It's like the D and the G, they form a battle axe on his shirt. Here's the thing that I'm obsessed with these days. Look, you know I don't I don't really follow MMA or UFC I might watch it every now and then

but I don't know the things that you know but I know enough that like I hear you say shit like oh Brian Ortega's got sick jujitsu

but it's a fundamental jujitsu like and some people shit on fundamental jujitsu but what you really need to know is that stuff is jujitsu like I listen to you say that and then I

I repeat it right right and I don't know anything about hunting or campaigns or David Goggins, but I'm fans of those motherfuckers, right? Like, I'm a fan. Right. Jocko. I don't think Jocko and I could last 15 minutes in a room and see eye to eye on anything.

Of course you would. He would look at me and be like, this fucking sad sack of shit. No, no, no, no. He wouldn't. I'm telling you. But I'm a fan of that guy. Listen to his audio book. He wouldn't do that. He's misunderstood. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no. He wouldn't. I'm telling you. But I'm a fan of that guy. Listen to his audio book. He wouldn't do that. He's not, he's misunderstood. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah. Jocko's a leader, like a real leader. Like if Jocko was running for president, I would 100% endorse him. By the way, me too. Yeah. He's a leader. And what I mean by a leader is like, he's not a judgmental person. He's not, he's not a person who looks down on people. He endorses strength, and he endorses an honest approach to your life, and he endorses leadership. I think that's where we'd lose. I think he'd look at me and be like, this guy talks a lot of shit and doesn't follow it through. But I'm telling you, he's not a judgmental person. That's not how he is. He just embodies leadership.

And either you get inspiration from the way he lives his life or you don't but he doesn't give a fuck yeah like he's not he's not like a guy that's like look at you get your shit together look at you with your sad life shit in your pants when you fart you fucking loser he's not that guy he's not that guy he's he's just a guy like cool roger that like he's just like he's a badass dude he's as badass as any human being that's ever walked the face of the earth like when you know him and you get intimate with that guy yeah he's that guy intimate and i don't mean it that way i mean intimate like you get to know him well he's he's as solid a human being as has ever

walked the face of the earth but what's so i love that guy to death i dude i just spent hunting camp with him oh you hunting camp with him. Is that who you went with? I was just with him in Utah, and Cam Haines. See, that's what I find really fascinating is when I see people, like you said, shitting on people online,

trolling people, and talking shit, waiting for them to slip up to fuck with them. I go, don't you have anyone in your life that you're not like, but you love? Like David Goggins, Cam Haines, Jocko, fucking Nick Diaz, Nate Diaz, fucking Robbie Lawler.

All these dudes, I don't know anything about them. Like, I mean, fucking Cowboys Roni. Like, these guys, I'm a fan of them. I follow them on Instagram. They post shit, and it makes me smile. Yeah, those guys take life, and they wring that bitch bitch out it's like a dry sponge dude and i i i draw energy from that yeah celebrating people that i'm not like i hear the other day i just started was just i'd start running again right and i haven't been able to run since the surgery so

the movement for your tricep i got on my treadmill and i was walking at an incline is what i was doing i was like all right i'm gonna push. I'm gonna push it a little bit So I go I my my my my litmus of her health is a seven-minute mile if I can run a seven-minute mile I'm good, right? So I do my first mile and I do it at like 1320 is like it's like a 4.5. It's not that fast, but I'm like I haven't really run in a while and Then I do my next mile I'm like let's see if I can do a 10- mile like a ten minute miles is pretty rough for the average health So I do my I do a ten minute mile now. I'm three miles in incline slow run

Ten-minute mile and then I go alright. Let's fucking push it and I start hearing these mother don't who's gonna carry the boats man, I mean you know me not well enough to know like Who's going to carry the boats? Man, you know me not well enough to know, like, I'm not created like David Calkins, but you hear that in your fucking head. It's fuel. It's fuel. And then I hear my fucking field therapist going, just, you know, ruptured Achilles is a game changer.

And I'm like, maybe I should slow down. Why? Do you have a bad Achilles? No, no, I don't. No, I don't. But I just start hearing that after an injury. Everything you hear is like, blown up patella is a game changer. Robert Fiemer is a game changer. Yeah, they're all game changers. Yeah. Yeah. But Achilles is supposed to be a rough one.

That's the probably biggest gift I've gotten from this podcast is those dudes. Is like, is like, you know, me too, I think. Oh, you're, you're very, you know, especially being around as early as I got to be on this podcast, to see the growth this podcast has had and the people that you've surrounded yourself with and brought in, it's like really cool to be a part of this community and know that those guys are like, like Cam Haines will, I don't know if this is real or not, sometimes I don't drink and talk, but like he'll text, DM me or something, you know? Oh, it's 100% real. Like I'll say something something I don't remember if he knows who I am but like

I'll say something he knows who you are and he'll DM me we've talked about you yeah and I think oh yeah he talked about me running a marathon yeah why why would you say you don't know what's real I don't fucking remember what's real anymore Joe I've told so many goddamn stories you've pickled your brain I'm fucking I told a story to my kids the other day and my wife goes I think that was

police academy 3 and I was like what I was like oh yeah we didn't all rent jet boats you're right Hold your brain. Fucking. I told a story to my kids the other day. And my wife goes, I think that was Police Academy 3. I was like, what? I was like, oh, yeah, we didn't all rent jet boats. You're right. Fuck. But yeah, like, it's been cool as shit, you know? Especially, you know, I was thinking about this the other day. I'm sitting in the hot tub.

Dude, you were on, like, episode 10 or some shit. Like, what episode of the podcast were you on, the first one? Well, I was a fan. I was a huge fan of the podcast first. Tommy was on, like, episode 3. That's how I of the podcast were you on the first one well i was a fan i was a huge fan of the podcast first tommy was on like episode three that's how i found the podcast isla saw uncle tommy uncle buns on the podcast clicked on it and there were snowflakes coming down on your faces oh and she's sitting on my computer watching jre3 oh my god and i go what are you doing she's like uncle buns and i was like oh shit i was like

what is this and it was you guys answering questions that's hilarious that's how we used to do we used to answer questions off the little chat on ustream yeah tommy was like he left and he talked to red band he's like what the fuck is he doing like why is he doing that red band i was like i don't know like they all thought it was a waste of time. Dude, by the way, not even like- Look at that. Episode 73. Number 73, Bert Kreischer. So you were probably like, at this time, it was probably like a year in.

This was- Because I don't think we were doing more than one a week back then. If I had known how much this one event would change my life, right? This one event. Tom and I talk about paths a lot. I don't want to put words in other people, Tom and I talk about, um, paths a lot. I don't want to put words on people's mouths. I talk about paths. Tom and I talked about last night about certain paths you get on.

You don't know you get on those. Yeah. And I, I say to him, you know, meeting, meeting Joe changed my life because I would never have, I said this last night,

I would have never told the machine on story on stage, never told on stage. I told it before I told it to you. And you're like, that needs to be a stage story. And I was like, it's not. And I'd heard people say that before. And you were like, no, that needs to be told on stage. And I was like, I'm not going to tell it. Had I, had you not insisted and said to all the people listening, this needs to be a stage where when he gets on stage, you, this man's only to be known as the machine from this point on. And you chant it at his shows. And I was like, what the fuck are you doing? And to think that that one story,

I have milked like a closeted dairy farmer from the 1940s. Dude, you just got done doing a major motion picture starring you, the machine. From a story I told on this podcast. Isn't that wild? Dude. It's wild, right?

Oh, it was so fucking surreal to think I had this event happen. Oh, you know, you want to know something really fucking crazy? I got a phone call from my teacher the other day. The teacher that got me into the Russian class that greenlit all those things. She called me and she was like, you made a I told her she goes you you have a career off of this one fucking story well I go that's exaggerating you have a career period just to have a career is enough in this business the one story is just like you know it's a couple cylinders on your engine yeah I'll tell you man I uh, I think about that all the time.

I tell Tommy, Charlie Murphy had wanted to go to dinner with Tom that night, and he was walking with Charlie Murphy. You guys were all doing that Real Men comedy tour. Yeah. And you stopped Tom, and you said, hey, man, you're really funny. And Tom was like, in his head, he's like, I got to leave, but he ended up talking to you. That one moment changed all of our lives.

Like mine and Tom's, at least. It's because you guys became really close, started touring together, started doing things. I hit up Tom. I was like, man, that podcast is awesome. He's like, well, I'm friends with Joe. And next thing you know, you hit me up. You're like, you should do the podcast. Tell a machine story.

Next thing you know, I'm in Serbia starring in a major motion picture on a story I told on a fucking podcast. Dude, the life is awesome. Cheers, my brother. I'm like, I'm so fucking grateful. Me too. I'm so grateful for friends like you guys. Without, you know, without friends like you guys,

this is all boring. It's gotta be fun. It's so much fun. It's gotta be fun. You gotta bring people along with you and you're doing that too and Tom's doing that too. Everybody's all boring. It's got to be fun. It's so much fun. It's got to be fun. You got to bring people along with you. And you're doing that too. And Tom's doing that too. Everybody's doing that.

That's the beautiful thing. Everybody's doing the same thing. Everybody's bringing people along with them and helping other people. Sickler and all these other funny guys. Sickler's podcast is fucking amazing. Sickler's podcast is probably the best interviews I've ever heard. He's a great guy, man. He's a great guy.

He's a great guy. And Sickler, it comes through. What you see on on the podcast you see when you're hanging out with that dude he's just a genuine sweetheart of a person and We're all surrounded by people like that, and it's so different than when We were talking about this today and me and you kind of talked about a little bit Back in the day when we started this business there was such cattiness such like i'm gonna go up in front of that guy i'm gonna blow him off stage and now to sit here and think you know people that i met like like guys like ari have introduced you

to like shane gillis or mark normand and chris de stef Giannis Pappas, and all these great fucking dudes that are all blowing up huge right now come on my podcast, on Tom's podcast, your podcast, and it's just such a shared experience, and that was not how this started. No, the business is, well, you know, I don't know why. I mean, I know why. The business used to be everyone was competing for a small number of spots like if you wanted to do young comedian special

there was only five comedians or whatever it is you know HBO if you wanted to get an HBO special like you kind of had to be somebody and you know either you had to be on one of those Rodney specials or you had to be on something else like someone had to get you into something and Rodney was a giant influence of me

because he found comics that he loved, and he boosted them up, and he helped them out. And I always said I wanted to do a Rodney-type special with comics that I know that are really funny that aren't getting the love, and do something like that. I'd be willing to do that right now, whether it's on Netflix or Amazon,

or even maybe I'll put it together myself and do it on YouTube. But that kind of thing is like, I always remember thinking, like, how cool is Rodney Dangerfield? That he let the world know about Bill Hicks and Dom Herrera and Sam Kinison and Lenny Clark and all these comics that I deeply admire. And, you know, I just always felt like that's the guy I want to be I want to be the guy that like helps other comics and boosts them up but everybody was like competing for this small number of spots and the thing that happened with me was I got insanely lucky I got insanely lucky like you mean I did good on stage and everything but there was people that were

better than me i got lucky i i got on mtv like fucking five years in the comedy or four years in the comedy it wasn't that long and then i got a deal and then all of a sudden i was on a sitcom so i didn't have to work that hard like in a weird way. I did road gigs and I bombed and I did colleges and I traveled the country like everybody else. But it wasn't that long. I was on TV six years in a comedy. I was on news radio with Phil Hartman and Dave Foley and Andy Dick and Maura Tierney and Vicky Lewis and Candy Alexander. It was wild. And Steven Root was like one of the greatest actors of all time.

It was madness. The idea that I was that lucky to be in this spot You got like a master's degree in comedy. You got a master's degree in in in all that was like right But here's the important thing I didn't feel desperate like a lot of comics do where their career is not going anywhere Yeah, like they're ten years in there 15 years in and they're not going anywhere. I was comfortable anywhere yeah like they're 10 years in they're 15 years in they're not going anywhere i was comfortable so i started helping people so i found guys like joey diaz or duncan or ari i just take them on the road with me i'm like let's go have fun together like i wasn't so it's like i got

lucky that i had this position where i wasn't i didn't have like of bitterness. You know what I mean? I think that bitterness starts eating you up, and then you start... It turns into, for lack of better words, like a cancer. Yes. And you can't see past it. Exactly. That's what you focus on,

and then it makes more of it. And I got to be very honest, is that I think I was in a very unique situation in that I got... It was a good stand-up. I got on Travel Channel for eight, nine years, whatever it was. And then I did this – I was doing this podcast with you. I would hop on the podcast and I did my podcast and I started my podcast.

I would do Joey's and Ari's. But at the same time, I had also failed as a comic. Like I had kind of let comedy fall into the side you didn't fail you just weren't paying attention to it you were doing the other stuff because the other stuff was paying the bills and you had a family yeah like it's not you you can't like shit on yourself for it but i i remember there was a moment where i called you and you were on a motorcycle in Vietnam. I call and I'm like, what are you doing, man? And you're like, I'm on a fucking motorcycle.

I'm in Vietnam. I'm driving around and running through rice paddies. And I was like, well, that's pretty wild. That's fun. But I remember telling you, dude, you're you're a really, really fucking funny guy. And I go, you would be a great stand-up comic. You'd be like a really, truly great stand-up comic. But you got to concentrate on it.

You got to bank on yourself. This Travel Channel shit, because I remember they were like sort of restricting the way you talked. I couldn't smoke weed on this podcast. Yes, you couldn't smoke weed. You used to hide it. I used to hide it. When Red Band used to work the cameras,

he would turn the camera away from you and you would take a hit of weed yeah we had to like coordinate i was i was careful about things i said about the occult like there were certain things you couldn't say is this you and me in a fucking race boat that's tt right there that's my fixer tt were you in vietnam here i was in vietnam yeah yeah it was terrifying right that was that was but the thing is like i had i feel like i had um like it was like like there was a light went off i was like i gotta tell him to stop doing this well you you and you and bill burr uh who i i love uh i love as well. But you guys sat me.

I mean, I'm saying this because it's going to sound like you guys were being shitty to me, but you weren't. I walked in the back of the comedy store one time, and you guys were both talking about it. And you said, hey, man, I remember I talked about something. I said something, and you go, and both of you guys were like, hey, man, your travel channel show sucks. Like, we love you. You're just a better comic. And you've got to focus on podcasting and focus on your stand-up. Well, I felt you were going to become one of those guys. And also, I knew from my own personal experience, right?

I hosted Fear Factor for six years. I know what that feels like, to be stuck in this gig that's doing really well. And I say stuck in this gig. That's a terrible thing to say because it was one of the best things that ever happened to me fear factor because it gave me fuck you money yeah and fuck you money gave it gave me this thing where i could be like okay i can relax like i like nice things but i don't need them you know what i need i need food and shelter and i have that now literally for the rest of my life yeah i just put some money away and then i'm like now i just want to live the way

i want to live i want to do what I want to do. And so when I saw you doing that Travel Channel shit, I was like, Bert Kreischer is too funny for this. You're too funny to be constricted. You're funny when you're wild. You're funny when you get off stage, you take your fucking shirt off and your hammer and you're like, you're free. You can't be restricted and also be free. It's literally not possible. be restricted and also be free it's literally not possible so it's you you live it you could live a tortured life where you make a good living but you

don't you're not doing what you could have done you know and then all of a sudden one day you're 60 and you're looking back on your life and you're like shit yeah that could happen it can happen to any one of us it could have happened to me it could happen to it could happen to any one of us. It could happen to me. It could happen to anyone, man. You get stuck. And sometimes you can't do anything about being stuck and you just got to do what you got to do in the moment and make a plan and bide your time and figure out a way to do what you're truly passionate about. truly passionate about. But people have obligations. They have families. They have bills. They have people to take care of that they love. I understand that. You gotta do what you gotta do. But I knew that for you, there

was a way out. And the way out was podcasting and stand-up. And I knew that. I knew that. And I remember talking to you on the phone that day and I remember saying, I gotta say this. I have to say this. He's gotta get out. You gotta get out. And I knew they were fucking out yeah and i knew they

were fucking with you and i knew they were fucked i was friends with bourdain right so he was getting fucked with too you know they they have very strict standards and you know that's their own business that's what they want they have a sort of a a niche that they cater to and they they wanted people to fill that niche and anybody that Stepped out of line and anybody that was controversial They didn't want anything to do with that and they wanted to restrict you and they wanted to put you in this box But I knew you as this wild motherfucker that told that Tracy Morgan story I'm like this is my friend who's this wild motherfucker and they're turning him into a G movie You know yeah, you're not a g you're an r and i'm like

this this r is getting wasted on a g i remember telling them i said they were like what do you want to do with the rest of your with with you know for travel channel next and i said i would love to do you know what anthony bourdain does i think i'm talented and they were like and they just cut me off they're like you sir are no anthony bourd. And I felt like saying, like, the way you said that, I think that would even offend Anthony Bourdain. Like, I think Anthony would be bothered by that. And I felt like going, everyone's, you got to let everyone take their shot.

And then luckily I got fired. And thank God. And I know what's interesting is that, you know, when I got that award and I got on stage, my daughters were there and they were like, you know, they give you the award and then they say, you got to say a list of thank yous. And I go through all my thank yous,

and they're all very heartfelt, sincere. Everyone on my team, from Top to Bottom, UTA and Ever Levity, all of them, I love them. They've done everything for me. But I got to a moment where I said, I think I got very fucking lucky, and I surrounded myself by comics that were way better than me. And I, and, and I named you guys, I named all of you guys,

Tom, Joey, Burr, you, Ari, Dunk, all these guys that were just, and there's a, there's a much bigger list. I know I'm leaving people off, but like I go, they were brutally honest with me and they were my friends. And that didn't happen 10 years ago no 10 years ago they go quit that travel channel show and it would mean because it's good and we don't want the competition you guys were saying it like yeah like hey man you got more talent than this yeah there's

there's a certain bitterness that a lot of comics had and I really think that it was you know I remember one time we were on the set of news radio and you, we're on fucking TV, man. I mean, we're living the dream. We're on TV. And they were complaining about a show that was on another network or that was on another time slot.

It was a really good time slot. And we weren't on a good time slot. We moved nine, eight or nine times during the five years that we were on TV, and this is pre-internet, right? So no one knew where the fuck you were. You couldn't tweet, hey, everybody, tune in. Like if Dave Foley had like a million Twitter followers and he said, hey, we moved to Sunday night at 8 o'clock, they'd be fine because everybody would go, okay, news radio, Sunday night now, and everybody would watch it. But this is 1990,

whatever the fuck it was. And you couldn't do that. So we would move and no one would know. And we're, our ratings were terrible. And, uh, they were all like bitching that this show was on this and that shows on this.

And they, they got great shots. And, and I was like, Hey guys, last time I checked, we're on TV. We have a fucking sitcom we're on how many people

have sitcoms i'm like we're living the fucking dream we're so lucky they didn't want to hear it it's like their thought was no we could be sex in the city you know we could be uh the single guy or whatever the fuck it was there was like these shows that you know it's crazy what you think you think your high could be like mine would have been like i mean honestly i remember my high would have been be on travel channel for the rest of your life sign a big deal yeah and then i look back and i go i'm so glad that i got fired yeah and you think going back to this paths thing you think that going back to this paths thing You think that you're on the right path? I was thinking this because you know my injury happened because I burned my leg really bad with ice

I I used to run the same loop for my loop every morning in Serbia before the movie and one day I felt bloated I've been partying all night and I was like, I'm gonna run six miles today I'm gonna run up to the US EmbassyS. Embassy. And then run back. And I hurt my leg. I fucking pulled something to my calf. Put ice on it. Got second degree to burns on my leg from the ice. Because I put it directly on the skin.

And then because of that, the next day we're in the woods. I do my fall and I hurt my arm. Because I'm focused on my leg. And I start thinking this. I literally think I went on the wrong path. I went the wrong direction. And then, and then, and then, you know, my wife says, well, I don't know, maybe, I mean, I don't know, maybe if you hadn't injured your arm, you wouldn't done that promo video

of you going under anesthesia, calling out Red Rocks for your surgery. Maybe you wouldn't have sold the tickets. And then you start going, oh, fuck. And Tom goes, I think of this every fucking day. Had I not injured myself, maybe I'd be a different person. Maybe I wouldn't be as empathetic. And then I think about Amanda Knox.

And we were just talking about this. She spends four years in prison. Yeah. Possibly, and I listen to a lot of your episodes, possibly the most eloquent, well-spoken, interesting human beings I've ever heard on the show. And I mean, possibly the most eloquent, well-spoken, interesting human beings I've ever heard on the show. And I mean, just, and you go,

I don't hate to say this this way, but do you have to find, did you need your path to get you to be this great person you are today? Like, are these paths that you go through, the bad shit you go through, is that what you need to have to turn you into the person that you're going to be? Is every path the right path? But it's an incredible challenge.

And sometimes incredible challenges break people. So it's like why does it break some people and why does it turn some people into an Amanda Knox, who's one of the most intelligent people i've ever talked to and the most empathetic non-judgmental even to the guy who was the prosecutor who was essentially trying to frame her for something she absolutely didn't commit if you look at the evidence there's no fucking way that guy rationally if he was given a set of circumstances if he was given all the evidence that they knew eventually in the beginning, there's no way he would have thought that Amanda Knox was guilty. He decided early on that she was guilty and then was trying to confirm his initial suspicions. So he was very, it was confirmation bias. And he was, he was essentially framing an innocent girl who was 20 years old. And this is a guy with daughters in a different

country in a different country that also has very sensational journalism i mean they have like uh tabloid journalism is very prominent there and it was a big deal paparazzi's from there yeah exactly she she brought that up and she i know i'm just repeating her yeah they were calling her foxy noxy and you know they were trying to pretend that she was this evil satanist and she was a fucking kid, man. Child. She was a 20-year-old kid. She didn't know.

I mean, think about who you were when you were 20. You're a knucklehead. You don't know anything. And all of a sudden she's in fucking Italy for the first time, and this guy breaks into the house that she was living in when she wasn't there and kills her roommate. And they concocted some crazy fake story. Meanwhile, this girl does four years in jail

the whole thing the ordeal takes like eight years until she's completely exonerated and then after she's completely exonerated she's one of the most fascinating interesting people i've ever talked to because of the ordeal and because she came out of the other side like tempered she's like a she's like a fucking samurai sword yeah where you're taking that sword and put it in the flames and hammered it over and over and folded it and put it through all the stress dunked it in water and hammered it and she's a fascinating amazing human being and you know who told me about her is Whitney oh yeah she was on Whitney's podcast Whitney's yeah I saw that I didn't even watch it because I didn't want to because I don't want to be influenced by it but I listened to Whitney because she's one of the smartest people I know

Whitney's a fascinating human being herself and when she tells you that someone's brilliant and amazing and kind and thoughtful and you're like really I go do you think she did it and she's like I don't think she did it this is the the first thing I ask. She thinks she did it. We're just talking, right? And she goes, no, you should really have her on your podcast. And she doesn't say that about anybody. I mean, maybe she said that about two other people. I've known her forever.

She said that about two people ever. By the way, there's like nine people I want from Whitney's podcast on your podcast. Tell me. Starting with Dave Grohl. Oh, I'd have him on. Fucking Dave Grohl. Oh, I'd have him on. Fucking Dave Grohl. Dave Grohl looks like, you know, like I was just told, someone just told me spirit animal is a very offensive term.

What? To say like, oh, Jamie, you're my spirit animal. To who? Native Americans, I guess. Which Native Americans? I don't know. Which ones? I don't know.

Come on. It's a funny thing to say. But Dave Grohl is my fucking spirit. That guy. Who told you it was was offensive some fucking woke dude Spirit animal and the next you know shit fucking went sideways someone actually said that to you in person where's this person live? But it but uh see a comic no Was he do for a living?

Tell me what it does. I think he does nothing What does he do for a living? Tell me what he does. Nothing. He does nothing. Where is he? He does nothing. Let's find him.

No. We can call him. I think saying spirit animal is incredibly offensive. He told me that the other day and I was like, oh shit, I've been saying that a lot. But Dave Grohl's a fucking badass like i do that guy he's been on whitney's podcast there's whitney's got a great really he's got a great fucking podcast she really does and i love that she went full hog in it and was like i'm fuck i'm going hard i'm taking the big names i'm bringing in she has great guests it's allowed people to see who

she really is you know it's like for a while, Whitney was like Whitney from the sitcom. So she was trapped in this weird sitcom world. And she's this beautiful girl. But the beautiful, like the fact that she's beautiful is really just, it's just incidental. She just happens to be beautiful. Like what she really is is this like fascinating person who's had a really of fucking troubled life difficult childhood very hard light and that's why she came out on the other end who she is but when you talk to her like you get this like nuanced view of like the way she sees the world she's a very unusual person she cracks me up. Beginning of the pandemic.

Very beginning of the pandemic, she hits me up. She goes, hey, we're doing this comedy gives back thing. And I'm interviewing Adam Sandler. You're an Adam Sandler fan, right? Love Adam Sandler. I fucking love Adam Sandler. She goes, hey, so I'm going to interview him. But I know you're a fan.

So I thought maybe I'd invite you over. Maybe you'd come in, crash the thing. Oh, I saw that. You fucked that. I fucked that up so bad. You fucked the whole thing up. I fucked that up so badly. And Adam Sandler was like, what? What questions did you ask him that was like?

First of all, I didn't ask him any questions. I told him, you know me. I told him a bunch of stories about me. And he was like, hey, Adam, you want to hear a great story? And he's like, sure, sure. And I was like, so anyway, when you were in college, when I was in college, I was at Florida State and you came and formed, and he's just like, I don't know where this is going. And I go, you came to Florida State?

And this girl I was dating was like, ended up hanging out with you and then they ended up smoking pot with you and Alan Covert. And then I didn't go, but, and that was, that was me though. And he was like, ah, cool, cool. And this is all Zoom, right? This is Zoom. There's no editing. Also, you're not in the room with them.

There's a delay. And Whitney and I have a tape measure, so we're six feet apart because it's COVID. And so I'm swinging in like a boom mic, coming in going, hey, Adam, Adam. Oh, this is so bad. I don't even, I can't even see it because I- Look at the tape measure. Whitney with a fucking tape measure. That was before Whitney started taping her,

coloring her hair random fucking woke colors. And then I didn't even realize it was bad, right? I didn't even realize it was bad. Joe, you know that I promoted my special, right? You know that I went... Of course. But I said to him, I go, do you have Netflix? Here's a $200 million deal at Netflix.

The first I get off the phone, Big Jay Oakerson calls me and he goes I just want to give you a heads up we just totally trashed you and I was like what he goes we were up after you and we were mocking we were in the waiting room watching it and I go what do you mean mock me Jay and he goes are you being serious

I thought that interview went great I thought it was I thought it was like perfect and he goes no no I think I was sober. And that's why big J goes, big J goes, Bert, uh, you asked Adam Sandler if he had Netflix. I said, yeah, cause my specials on Netflix. And he goes, Bert, he has a $200 million deal at Netflix. He definitely has fucking Netflix. And then he goes, and then you called his movie, happy Madison. It's happy Gilmore, Billy Madison. He goes, and then you called his movie Precious Gems.

I go, it's not Precious Gems. And then I start melting down. And I'm like, oh my God, I really fucked this up. Yeah, that was a colossal. And God bless David Spade. That Uncut Gems movie is fucking fantastic. Yeah, I called it Precious Gems. Yeah, if you want to find out who Adam Sandler really is or what he's capable of goddamn uncut gems

That is one two hour or whatever however long the movie is fucking panic attack See I haven't seen it. Holy shit bird. It's so good. It's so crazy. How good it is Do you know anybody who's a gambling junkie? No, I just stopped gambling Yeah, I don't gambling. You did? Yeah, I don't care about it. Gambling's awesome. I don't really give a fuck.

It's like I'm just dead inside with that. I used to gamble on fights when I was calling them in the early days of the UFC because there was guys who would come in from overseas, Because there's guys who would come in from overseas. Guys who'd come in who I'd watch fight in K-1 or Rings or any of those Japanese organizations. And I knew who they were. And I would gamble on them. Really? Yeah, but I was like, is this bad?

I'm commentating and I'm also gambling. I don't know if that's smart like because I don't want to be biased so then he hit him hard Aubrey my partner and on it Aubrey used to man the most comfortable body in the world it's not bad it's not bad between him and his

wife he's married correct he's married yes I might just follow him on Instagram yes but the two their two bodies are just beautiful people i think i have all the fat they should have okay well their bodies have zero fat on them and he's always got that he's a lovely man he's got that beautiful sunshine smile that he's just like that's another thing about this podcast like i i follow people i do not know and i'm and i'm like oh look they're wake surfing oh that's so like do you want to meet him uh I'd love to meet Aubrey Marcus I'll hook it up yeah yeah I'll call

him after we're done here yeah I would love to what was I saying about him you were saying but gambling on fights so I I would give him that's uh uncut gems I would give him uh the tips like when uh guys would come in and I would say oh my god that line is totally wrong i'm like this guy's a killer and we were at one point we were at 84 percent where i was just giving him the tips and he was gambling we would eight out of ten i would call him right you know because mma you can't call it right yeah all the time because wild shit happens like did you see the ufc this weekend i didn't and i won't oh my god Brian Ortega and Alexander Volkanovsky had one of the craziest title fights I've ever seen in my life it was wild and I kind of wish

I was there I I was out of town for that one that was my hunting trip so I had to cancel it but god damn it was so good it was so crazy that was a fight you couldn't call because Ortega almost won twice with two insane submissions. Once with a he got him on the bottom with a guillotine or he mounted him rather with a guillotine and then he got him on the bottom with a triangle. It was insane.

And Ortega is known for his submissions. His submissions are some of the best in MMA. He's a Torrance Jiu Jitsu guy, right right he's from the original gracie academy in torrance that's where i trained yeah orion ran the school and his sons you know um henner yeah henner and here on and it's just and brian ortega came from there a lot of it's like lineage it's lineage. It's like some of the purest jiu-jitsu that you're going to get. And when you say fundamentals, like Brian Ortega has perfect fundamentals. You know, Krohn Gracie, perfect, perfect fundamentals.

They do everything to like this razor sharp. When he dove on that guillotine choke, I was was like that is like i wish people could see how beautiful that is the way i see it yeah because i know how hard that is to do the way he slipped it in and got mount on the world champion yeah full guillotine mount our world champion and the guy got out i mean he's gurgling it's as deep as it gets and when you realize how good brian ortega is and what he's in right now he he's in a mount, but he's also got his legs crossed underneath, which is like the most ruthless mount. Because a regular mount, you're on top of a guy and the guy can kind of buck. But Ortega's got his legs crossed.

So that kind of guillotine with a guy like that is death. It's death. And that crazy motherfucker from Australia got out where 99.99% of the people who have ever lived would have tapped out. Yeah. That fucking savage. It's like, not today, bitch. I'd rather die. I did a deep dig on Brian Ortega.

So good, dude. He was on Schaub's Calabasas Companion. Yes. And probably one of the most interesting human beings I've ever heard talk. and probably one of the most interesting human beings I've ever heard talk. He's an actor, and he just doesn't come out as an actor, which is how I come at it as, like just a regular person. He's an actor?

Who's acting before he did fighting? Please correct me. No, we don't have to pull it up. No, no, no, no. Is that true? Let me know. Hold on. Brian Ortega was in a movie with Shia LaBeouf. They were both in the movie, but that was like the first,

or maybe he's done very few things. Was that when he was already fighting? When was that movie? Very recently. Oh, yeah. In Shabba, they were like, Shabba's an extra, but Brian's in it, too. But they probably brought Brian in because, you know, he's already fought for the title before. He fought Max Holloway.

Yeah. He knocked out Frankie Edgar. I mean, Brian Ortega's been a bad motherfucker for years. I heard you talk, well, I got into deep dive about him, and I do a thing called Open Tabs, where I keep all the tabs open in my Safari browser, and then I do a podcast about learning, telling you about all the shit I learned over the weekend. And I had a big Brian Ortega one, but I took it out, because sometimes with cage fighters, they don't, maybe what I say isn't what they hear, and I don't want to piss any of them

off. I know what you're saying. Like, some dudes are super sensitive. Well, I'm sensitive. I'm sensitive as fuck. And Brian Ortega was in this movie with Shia LaBeouf. And he said, he said, he told this crazy story about Shia trying to fight him. And I was like.

Oh my God, that's hilarious. And I was like. Is that real? Is that real? Yeah, yeah. I heard the story. So I mean. That is hilarious.

And so, and, but Brian Ortega, the way he was telling the story was like, it was good. Like it was legit good storytelling. Like I'm like, he can do jujitsu, I can tell a motherfucker's story, and the way he was telling the story... Was like the way you would do jujitsu? No, not at all. If I knew jujitsu, yes. He was telling it good.

He was telling it good. And I was like, who the fuck is Brian? And then the next clip is you talking about Brian Ortega's jujitsu is flawless. It's flawless. But you said it's fundamental. Yeah. What that means is there's like some basic, and the word basic gets offensive to some people because I think they misinterpret.

Like, that's why I use the word fundamentals instead of basic. But what I mean by basic is there's just like some amazing moves in jujitsu that are standard. Like the arm bar is standard. Arm bar from the guard is a standard move. A guillotine choke is a standard move. A rear naked choke is a standard move. A darts choke is a, we're getting a little more new school-y because there's a guy Joe Darce, darce that came

up with that name um and but there's a bravo choke that's kind of similar that's in jujitsu with the gi and there's a lot of like techniques like uh gi techniques that are very fundamental like ezekiel chokes and clock chokes they're basically kind of fundamental and then you get into this new school like eddie bravo style yeah where he's got some of these students that are just doing this wild shit there's this kid ben eddie who teaches out of port uh portland i think he's in portland and ben eddie's like super flexible with his wild guard and i was just looking at this new move that he was doing where he's got like this rubber guard new choke and i was analyzing this i was like whoa and i'm like how many people can move their legs like that like how flexible

is he how much dexterity does he have in his legs the way he's applying pressure i'm like can my fat ass do that i'm looking at how he's doing i'm like can i do that or is this like out of my league is this like one of them there's some crazy flexibility moves that you have to be like a pretzel to use so he's doing this shit what ben eddie's got amazing jujitsu and he's one of the things i love about him he's a long-haired hippie and he's not like a brood at all but he's a goddamn assassin when it comes to jujitsu those are my favorite guys who you would think would be like kind of nerds but they are they're like nerd assassins. That's how Eddie always calls them.

He calls them like nerd assassins. They're like intelligent people that are playing a complicated game. They could have been playing chess, but they instead became a jiu-jitsu person. They could have been a person who's like a champion video game person, but instead it's the same thing. It's like whatever makes you good at golf would also make you good at tennis. You've got to find – I mean, there's athletic limitations to some things, right? Like to be a really good runner, you have to be fast.

There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Yeah. But there's certain things that when a person gets really fucking good at something, it's like what that is, think you can you can apply to anything with passion see this guy's got wild shit there's another dude named Jeremiah Vance and he might be one of the most impressive he moves so fast off his back his back is terrifying when he's on the bottom which is usually like a difficult position to attack from yeah it's way easier to attack on top because

you have gravity on your side so if you're on top of a person you're smushing them you have gravity on your side that's an advantage like there's you have more pressure on them they don't have any pressure on you so you have to figure out a way to attack someone without any pressure so the way yeah dude he's a master off his back that. He caught this dude in the fly trap, and he might have been one of the first guys to ever pull this off on a high-level competition. Oh, my God. Dude, I'm telling you, Jeremiah Vance is an assassin off his back. But it's like this is not fundamental jiu-jitsu.

This stuff that he's doing right here, this is not the basics. This is some wild variations that these really creative assassins are coming up with what you see when you see brian ortega i'm sure brian could do all that shit if you show him i'm sure he could i'm sure he already knows it too but what you see from him is all of the fundamentals the triangle the rear naked the arm bar at razor sharp, razor sharp precision. That's what's amazing. It's not just that he got a mounted guillotine and a world champion. It's the smoothness.

Like, watch that. Can you play Brian Ortega's submission attempt on Volkanovski? We can't find it? I think it's on the UFC page. I know Ariel Helwani tweeted it. He tweeted a video, and he said, how? He said, how do you get out? How does someone get out of this?

And it's a really good question. Yeah. Because if you know how good Brian Ortega's jiu-jitsu is, you go, this is insane. This should be checkmate. There's another guy like Kron Gracie, who's Hicks and Gracie's son. Kron Gracie got a guillotine on Cub Swanson. And Cub Swanson is a legitimate fucking murderer. He's a killer.

He's really good. He's good all around. He can knock dudes out standing. He's a black belt in jujitsu. He's a bad motherfucker. He's been around forever. He's a veteran, just as tough as they come. And Krohn Gracie caught his neck like a crocodile.

It was like a crocodile snatching a wildebeest by the side of a waterhole. Is this it? This is Ortega Volkanovski, and this is the triangle. The fact that he got out of this is just as impressive, so we might as well watch this. Do you know how good that triangle is? That is so goddamn good. Completely locked in. Ortega's head is fucking purple.

And his nickname, T-City, that's Triangle City. That's Brian Ortega's nickname because he's so good at the triangle. He had a triangle fully locked in. And Volkanovski is such a bad motherfucker that he got out of it and it looked like Ortega was done in the fourth round it looked like he was beaten down and he came back and he won the fifth round dude it was one of the

wildest fights I've ever seen in my life I've called a thousand fights at least maybe fifteen hundred maybe even two thousand I don't know how many fights I've called that watching that shit from home I was like this is one of the wildest things I've ever seen in my life. I was screaming. I was probably 500 yards from them at the Park MGM.

All I got, I was doing a show at the Park MGM. What time was your show? 7 o'clock. Oh, you could have gone. Your show was there, buddy. Oh, you could have gone. I wish I was there, buddy. I know. The fight I wanted to see was Nick and...

Yeah. Nick and Robbie Lawler. Nick and Robbie Lawler. That's the one I definitely wanted to see. Did you see it? No, I didn't. I didn't. I got into the green room and they told me what happened.

And then I was like... Here's my thought. What people say that he shouldn't have fought. He was doing really well he was off for six years and he was doing really well against a world-class straight-up killer and robbie lawler who used to be the ufc welterweight champion and robbie lawler you could you could make an argument he's not in his prime but he's damn close. Like, he's, like, right there. He's still capable of beating a lot of fucking people in the UFC. He's, like, a top-ten guy for sure.

Robbie Lawler's a kid. Like, what is Robbie Lawler ranked in the UFC's welterweight division? He could beat anybody. All he has to do is, like, you can't look at him by, like, some of the fights that didn't go so good because, like, you're a professional athlete in a sport that's brutal on your body. But if you look at it, what is he still capable of doing? It's not like he's physically incapacitated.

It's not like he's really slowed down that much. It's like, what is he capable of doing? What is he capable of doing is beating the fuck out of people. I think the level of competition, he's gotten a little older, but the level of competition has also gotten better. They keep getting better and better and better and better. You get the Tyron Woodleys, then Kamaru Usman comes along and takes it to another level.

It's a wild sport. What's crazy is that, as a simple passerby, is I'm a fan of all of them. There's no loser in a fight. Then there's also no, like, I'm still a huge Nick diaz yeah well of course that's one of the beautiful thing about the sport is that you don't have to be

undefeated to be special like conor mcgregor's lost a bunch of times he's still the biggest draw in the sport i fucking conor mcgregor comes back if he comes back with a metal leg and and fights now like people will still come to see him by the droves and they'll sing when he comes out and they'll fuck the ir support him to the end. Dude, when he fought Nate Diaz, I mean like Jorge Masvidal I saw fight on YouTube videos when I was at a fucking Des Moines Funny Bone

and I texted Tommy, I was like you gotta check this kid out. The Kimbo Slice ones? Yeah, the Kimbo Slice ones. So like I've been fans of all these guys so when they it's like Robbie Lawler and Nick Diaz. I was like, I want them both to win, you know? I agree with what you're saying.

I try, even as a commentator, because I'm in a weird spot where I'm talking about the fights. Yeah. I try to be as neutral as possible. And that's why it was insanely hard when Brendan Shaw was fighting. Dude, that was – watching Shaw get beat up was some of the hardest. It was so hard for me. It was so hard for me. It was so hard.

Because, like, I genuinely love that dude. And I saw where this was going. And I was like, shit. Like, you gotta get out now. Like, you gotta get out now. Like, this is not something, there's a point of no return when a guy starts getting KO'd by giants. Giants.

I mean, like Ben Rothwell. You ever been around Ben Rothwell? No. You want to feel like a feeble person? No. Shake hands with Ben Rothwell and you go, oh, well, you could just eat me if you wanted to. Yeah. There's dudes out there like that, like Tom Erickson.

He was 300 pounds natural and one of the best wrestlers in MMA. He was 300 pounds. They called him the big cat because he was 300. But that's Ben Rothwell. That's a giant human being that should have a battle axe in his hand. He should be showing up on a boat with one of them dragons at the front of it. You know, those fucking Viking boats. Look at that, man.

In another world, that guy would be fucking showing up at the front of the boat, and you would have a real problem on your hands. Jesus, man. There's a bunch of those dudes, man. I sat with Brendan when he was getting ready to tell the story about, he was doing the Ari thing. Yeah. And Ari was like like hit me up music. Hey, man We sit with the Brendan and help him go over his story help figure out and he told me the whole story of that fight

with Travis Brown, yeah Travis Brown and It's fucking fascinating when you hear these guys talk about what goes to especially I think Brandon's I don't mean this out of When you hear these guys talk about what goes to especially I think Brandon's I don't mean this out of disrespect to anyone else But he's a little bit more a little bit more insightful about the things that maybe I would feel if I walked into the ring You know like who he sees and what and what's happening? Well, he's also honest and he can make fun of himself. Yeah Yeah, it's a humble and like the sense and it was so connective like We sat we did like an hour he told me the soul story for an hour and then we kind of worked like talked about what what highlights a good story and what makes a good story it's really fucking fascinating he's um he's a great dude he really

is he's a fun guy to be around that's why all his friends love him so much yeah like people don't like him because he's he's first of all you know whether you judge his comedy or judge his podcast or judge whether you also have to judge how he looks and he's a beautiful man and it's a real problem he's a beautiful man he's like six foot five great head of hair he's built like a fucking adonis really it really makes people uncomfortable me included i'm his friend he just has massive advantage you know you're gonna hate on him but he's a great guy he's just the sweetest guy in the world and i saw him getting hurt and i was like he doesn't really want to do this anymore but he's doing this it's like his i it it it's incomparable because my martial arts competition days were very insignificant and in comparison his, you know, fighting.

He knocked out Crow Cop. He knocked out Minotauro. So I'm not trying to compare myself to him, but I'm going to compare a moment in my life where I knew I had to stop competing because I wasn't really doing it anymore. I was training sort of, but I was also doing stand-up comedy, and I was working all day, and I kind of knew that I had to get out. But it was my identity. And I was 21 years old, and I hadn't really figured out how to make real plans for myself. And I was realizing that I was training and competing with people that were way more into it than I was.

And I realized, oh, my God, I'm not into it the same way I used to be. Like I forgot what it was like when I was like at my peak, when I was 19, when I was, I literally have no problems in the world. I was young and stupid. I was out of high school, so I didn't have to go to school anymore. And I was taking a year off of, of school before I went to college. And I had all this time to just train and I was obsessed and that's all I did was train all day but by the time I was 21 dude I was training like four days a week maybe five and I wasn't training like it was my whole life I was doing it because it was like a thing that I always did and then I was fighting and then I realized it I was like I gotta stop

now or I'm gonna get my brain scrambled because I'm meeting people who are like I used to be but I'm not like them anymore I had not I'd lost the obsession and I knew that Shaub lost the obsession I knew that he was a great athlete in that early on in his career he's way better at what he does now he's way better at what he

does now he's a great fighter dude don't get me wrong like he choked out Matt Mitrione like people give him shit for what he did. Matt Mitrione is a fucking pro football player athlete with serious knockout power. Serious fucking KO power. He's KO'd Fedor. Okay? Wow.

Yes, exactly. And Brendan Schaub choked him the fuck out. And he can do that. He's really good. He knocked out Crow Cop. Crow Cop is legitimately one of the best strikers to ever fight in MMA. out and he can do that he's really good i mean knocked out cro cop cro cop is like legitimately one of the best strikers to ever fight in mma and granted it was cro cop later in his life granted it was cro cop after he had these wars in pride and then came over to the ufc and he had

it's just being a human getting hit a bunch of times you lose something somewhere along the way so i don't think that was the cro cop that fought fade or the first time but it was still motherfucking crow cop yeah and and brendan shop KO'd him so it's like he had it at one time but you can see when fighters don't have it anymore when it becomes a job like joseph benavidez just retired and one of the things that he said was that he realized he was not going to get a chance to fight for the world title again and he didn't't want MMA to be just a job. And it's a brilliant thing to say because it's brutally honest. It's brutally honest.

And it takes a sensitive, intelligent person like him. He goes, I don't want this to be a job. I want it to be the best in the world. He was very close to being the best in the world. He was most certainly number two for quite a long time. And maybe even was number one, but he didn't get a shot It was like you got you got a window as an athlete To be at your best before the tissue

Just the RPMs and the fucking trauma of just even just regular training Even if you're just not even getting hit just regular training just hitting the bag Just fucking doing crossfit just doing those kind of like kettlebell exercises and plyos and jumping box jumps your tissue is getting stressed everywhere how long can you do that for like that hardcore at a world-class level you might have 10 years in you you know they say fighters they have like nine years so wait here's my question is like how what percentage of fighters that get that this is a tough question meaning what's the percentage of fighters that get into the ufc

that fighters that try to get into the ufc is it like baseball because every kid plays baseball growing up well i think baseball is most certainly more popular than the UFC because it's in colleges, it's in high schools. It's like a direct path, right? To be an ace high school player, you get into a good college and a scholarship, you kick ass in that college, you get drafted by the Yankees. I mean, it's a direct path, right? It's not such a direct path

as an MMA fighter. It's more complicated. It's more complicated because, like, I look at I just started following Paddy Pimblinton. Paddy the Batty. I just like him. Right away, one fight. Dude, I just immediately like the kid, and I go, I want to see more of him.

It's amazing, one fight in a UFC. Sean O'Malley, too, though. Sean O'Malley, I see the one fight, I think he hurt his foot, right? Oh, dude, Sean O'Malley is special. He's special. He's special. I love watching that dude fight. He is a uniquely confident, wild motherfucker who's super creative.

And he's fucking, look, man, he's insanely good. He's insanely good. He's still getting better, too, man. That's the wild thing about that dude. He's getting to Thomas Almeida, that dude he just fucked up. You have to understand who Thomas Almeida, that dude he just fucked up you have to understand who Thomas Almeida is before Cody Garbrandt knocked out Thomas Almeida, Thomas Almeida

was one of the best like shots to be a world champion, like you looked at him when he was coming up when he was dominating people he'd get caught and hurt and still come back and knock guys out, he was a gladiator Thomas Almeida was like, he was someone to watch.

And then Cody Garbrandt put the fucking knuckles to him in an insane way with this sidestep footwork, beautiful boxing, hit him at a perfect place right hand and knocked him out. I mean, Cody Garbrandt just fucked him up. It was wild to see because Garbrandt and Thomas Almeida at that time were both thought to be kind of on that same level. Like guys who were rising to the title. And Thomas Almeida was fucking dangerous, man. For Cody to fuck him up that way was really super impressive.

Yeah. So when you see Sean O'Malley fight Thomas Almeida and just pitch a shutout. Just a wild shutout. Yeah. And the wild shutout. And the pace is insane. And KO him really kind of twice. I could have stopped him at one point in time, and the referee let him go on,

and then he literally says to him, he puts his hands up, he goes, okay, and then he knocks him out when he's on the ground. It was wild shit. Yeah. Wild. I saw Jamie Kilstein do a breakdown of that fight or talk about that fight. Dude, Sean is insanely accurate.

His timing is just spectacular. My point is— So wait, hang on. Here's my question. So those guys that come in, and I mean this respectfully, Balls of Blazing, Sean O'Malley, Patty Pimblinton, Conor McGregor, these guys that just show up with so much confidence how much confidence is walking into the ring how much success is walking in the room with that much confidence that much balls that much like nate nick diaz on his back giving the birds or

or on his back going like come on get me get me it's brother giving the birds yeah it certainly means something confidence means something but you can have all the confidence in the world and you fight Anderson Silva in his prime and you're still fucked. It doesn't mean jack shit. The most important thing is skill. A lot of guys have confidence. All these guys having confidence is big.

It's a big part of the equation. But it's so much fun to watch them. But they have everything. O'Malley's got a weird personality that is compelling. So does, you know, there's a lot of guys like that. They have personalities that want to. Cowboy.

Yeah. Is fucking compelling as a motherfucker. Patty Pembleton. Something about his haircut. I want to follow him. Dude, I followed him. I followed him as another guy in open tabs I didn't talk about because I was like, I don't know how these guys receive that, but I just fucking watched every video about the

guy. Do you know Fighters got upset by how popular he was getting? They were making all these memes where they were putting his hair on a bunch of different fighters. Are you serious? Yeah, there was a whole series of them that were going around. I don't know if fighters were doing it or if other people online were doing it, but it was really

fun. Who's the guy that he... He's from the same town as that guy. He's got the same type of accent. Liverpool. Darren Till. Darren Till! Dude, Darren Till! I got as that guy. He's got the same type of accent. Liverpool. Darren Till. Darren Till. Darren Till. I got into that guy. Yeah, he's a fascinating guy, too. He's funny as shit. He fought that last fight with a torn ACL. He should not have fought. Yeah, he should

have got surgery on his knee, but he decided if you look at him, he didn't look nearly as impressive as he generally does. You know, he's a really fucking dangerous striker. Darren Till's beaten Cowboy Cerrone in his UFC, like, his real breakout fight. He had a couple of fights in the UFC before that, but he knocked out, he beat Kelvin Gastelum. Damn, I forgot about that one.

Lost to Robert Whittaker. I mean, he's a really good fighter. The big one was the Woodley fight because he had beaten Cerrone by KO. That was his big breakout fight. And then he beat Wonderboy Thompson, who's one of the best strikers in the UFC. And then he fought Woodley, but Woodley beat him. And then he realized that he was too small, and Woodley beat him pretty handily. He knocked him down and strangled him.

And then he realized he had to go up to 185 because he was a big dude I remember the first time I saw him. I was standing next to him in the hall I was like how the fuck does that guy make 170? He was so big, but there's a lot of those dudes Just they just dehydrate the shit out of themselves weaken themselves and then try to like recover as much as possible in 24 hours I don't know how they do that. I we did the weight loss crazy And I was like I was like I can't fucking, I can barely eat pizza. Yeah, you were almost dead by the end of it.

Oh, it was. My point was, why was I talking about Darren Till? What was I saying about him? Because he's from the same place. He's from Liverpool, yeah. Oh, that he tore his ACL. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so his last fight, I don't think it was very many weeks out.

Like maybe two weeks or so out, he tore his ACL in training. And they were going to pull out of the fight, but he said, let me see what I can do with my ACL all fucked up. Not making excuses for the dude. I like that shit. I like that shit. There's a certain thing of that, I don't know. I like that shit.

When guys fight injured? Hey, Darren, I apologize for what I'm about to say. He doesn't mean the apology. I'm telling you right now. When we were shooting my movie, I had torn my tricep, right? Right. And we had a fight scene left to go. And I was just like, I should be good.

And I do the fight scene. I do the fight scene. And I grab the guy. And I hear three pops, like, dot, dot, dot. And I'm like, fuck. I the fight scene and I grab the guy and I hear three pops like dot dot dot And I'm like fuck. I think he just went off the bone like it Oh, it's now retracting and I and I listen once again Darren Till much respect But I was like I got that same who's gonna carry the boats mentality and I look at the director I go and I know this is bullshit pussy Hollywood stuff by go. Let's get the fight scene. Let's I don't give a fuck

I'm going into surgery. Let's get our fucking fight scene. And I fucking threw punches. With your left arm? With my left arm. Yeah, because I had to throw fucking hooks into the ribcage. Did you worry about it like breaking off and flying across the room? Who's going to carry the boats, Joe?

Who's going to carry the boats? And let me tell you something. All these motherfuckers I've talked about, when I'm shooting that movie, in my head, I'm like, do you give them a chance to do Brian Ortega, you give them a chance to do the boats? And let me tell you something. All these motherfuckers I've talked about, when I'm shooting that movie, in my head I'm like, do you give them a chance to do, Brian Ortega, do you give them a chance to do the movie I just did? And he could do those fight scenes way better than I did.

You think he'd fucking tear a fucking tricep and go, hey guys, I got to tap out. Yeah, he might. He has a goddamn career in the UFC. Yeah, but I fucking went hard as fuck.

If you're a professional athlete, you tear your tricep in a movie, just stop. Stop filming the fucking movie. I fucking blew the fuck out of this arm. Well, that's good for you, man. You gutted it through. I was like, dude, you get one shot at these things, I'm going to fucking put everything into it. And it's fun to watch these guys go at it because you know i i realized just how much i couldn't fight like just because you have to do is that's what you really wanted to do you could

do it and i don't mean this disrespectfully but i mean you could definitely do it like there's a lot of people who could do it it's like where are you now and how far would you have to travel in your mind to get to the place where you could do it. But the idea that you couldn't do that and couldn't get there is nonsense. But the throwing punches is not as... You know, I think a lot of men... Like, I watch a lot of these football stadium fights and you see these guys...

Oh, in the crowd? Yeah, and you see these guys throw punches and you go, oh, if I knew you were going to throw those punches, I wouldn't mind fighting with you. Yeah, but there's also guys who will knock you the fuck out in those stands. Well, yeah, but these fucking guys.

There's a lot more of these. These guys in the Cowboys jerseys, I didn't see any punch I wouldn't be afraid of. They're like these Rams guys. But you're taking a chance. You're taking a chance. You're taking a chance. You're going to run into Joe Schilling in a bar. But I know.

Oh, dude. Was that not beautiful? Was that not beautiful? You do not get frisky with literally one of the best strikers on planet Earth. It was so quickly. Can you imagine you're an asshole talking shit at a bar and you accidentally do it to Joe Schilling? You accidentally do it to a world Muay Thai champion? It was so-

I mean, of all the fucking terrible roads to go down. Oh, that was so- It happened, of all the fucking terrible roads to go down. Oh, that was so- It happened so quickly- Of course. That you go, it's so funny when you watch someone throw a punch who knows what they're doing, and you go, oh, that guy's punched before. He not just knows what he's doing. He's a world champion.

He's an assassin. He's a terrifying human. I wish I'd been the bar back. Oh, my God. Just standing in that little perfect spot where you heard the guy say what he said. You know he said something. I don't know. He did something, too.

He didn't just say something. He bumped his chest forward towards him. Like he bowed up on him. Like he was going to swing on him or something. You can't make a sharp, quick move when you're talking shit with a world champion fighter. He's not going to let you hit him. The thing about sucker punches, and this is something that people have to realize in any encounter. I'm not encouraging trained killers to go out and beat on people in bars.

But what I'm saying is the problem with sucker punching, you're going to see it right here. Joe just tried to walk by him. He doesn't say anything. And the guy says something, and Joe turns around, and he does that, where he bows on him, and Joe just hits him with like four punches while he's like falling. It's like you can't just bow up on people, because the problem with sucker punches is if a guy can punch, and it could be some random person.

There's a lot of random people out there. They might not be trained strikers. They might not be like world champion kickboxers, but they know how to throw a punch. It's like a lot of kids know how to throw a baseball, okay? If your uncle taught you how to throw a punch, you could throw a good right hand. If you just sucker punch someone, like out of nowhere, just throw a punch at them, they don't realize you're punching them until it's too late because reaction time is way slower than action time it's a flaw

in the human neuro system if i go to slap you you don't realize i'm slapping you until it's too late until i've already been slapped because there's a reaction time yeah you know and you you have instincts that people build in that enhance that reaction time, but the reality of a sucker punch is, if you're close enough to someone, and they say something to you, and you don't expect it, there's some rudeness, and they throw a punch,

you can get knocked the fuck out. Like, anybody can get knocked the fuck out. Anybody can. Anybody can. Joe has lost by knockout in crazy fights. You know, you gotta think of all the people. Anderson Joe has lost by knockout in crazy fights. You know, you've got to think of all the people. Anderson Silva's lost by knockouts. A lot of people.

Fedor lost by knockouts. Human beings can get knocked out. Some of the best ever can get knocked out. And if some guy just flexes on you, you don't know what he's going to do next. You have no idea. And he didn't have an idea either. That guy did not see that coming. No.

I bet he woke up and he's like, did we do shots? What happened? He was one of Nick's training partners. No idea. And he didn't have an idea either. That guy did not see that coming. No. I bet he woke up and he was like, did we do shots? What happened? He was one of Nick's training partners. He's been a training partner of Nick's forever. Nick? Nick Diaz. That guy?

Joe Schilling. Oh, my God. I thought you meant the guy that got knocked out. I was like, wait, what the fuck? No, no, no. Joe Schilling. Yeah. He was there at the Diaz fight.

And my thing about Nick Diaz is when I looked at him physically, I was like, I don't know how much he's been training. Like, when Nick was in his prime, he was, like, really lean. And he was, you know, I mean, he's definitely like an older guy now. How old, though? I think he's like 30. I don't know. How old is he? 38.

38? Is he really? Yeah. But the thing is, like, I don't think you can just jump back in that easy after six years out of the sport. I think you'd probably need more time to prepare. He kind of got fucked, right? Well, I don't know how much time he had to prepare and why they agreed to do a fight on short notice. Because I think it was only, like, six weeks notice, which I think is fine if you are, you know, Michael Chandler. If you're in, like, peak form right now and you're ready to go and someone gives you six weeks notice which i think was is fine if you are you know michael chandler if you're in like peak form right now and you're ready to go and someone gives you six weeks i bet you can get

ready for a fight but if you're a guy who's been off for that long you're gonna need more time i think i'm just guessing i don't i don't know how much time it took him but my point was he didn't do that bad for a guy that was out six months Yeah, you know Robbie Lawler was Pressuring him and he was putting it on him and he was definitely getting the better of the exchanges But it's not like Nick Diaz didn't have his moments and he definitely did He would just have to have really like way more time to prepare And he would have to really be like ready to go Like the old Nick Diaz like the nick diaz that fought anderson silva like the

nick diaz at fort george saint pierre like the nick diaz that fought paul daly in strike force i mean that dude was a fucking killer this is like can he still do that at 38 well maybe we don't know if you just have one fight you need time like about if your body hasn't been used to this stuff and you haven't been training as much as you were when you were in your prime, if you still want to do it again legitimately, physically, you probably can. But it's like, you know, you've run a marathon. When you start out

and you run a mile and you're dead, I can't believe anybody can run 26 of those, but if you do it over and over and over again, you build up. I don't think Nick Diaz had a chance to build back up after being off for that much time. I think you get back to where he was Nick Diaz in his best, he's got to have some time. Those Diaz brothers were great for their fucking pace.

They could last the whole fucking fight because of their cardio. Well, they're always into triathlons and shit. They got Krohn Gracie into that, too. Really? Yeah, it's one of the reasons why he's so good. His cardio is amazing, too. I did a triathlon, most terrifying thing I've ever done in my life. Oh, my God, man.

I'm running the New York City Marathon. When's that? November 6th. How are you doing that like this? I don't know, Joe. What the fuck are you doing? You want to just- I don't know.

You saw Nick step into the cage? I'll figure it out. Robbie Lawler won't be there. Why don't you just make yourself smaller first? I don't know. We should do another cocktail. I'm going to try to lose weight. I'm going to try to lose weight. Here's the thing about... Oh, here's the thing.

What's this? Some new whiskey. Oh, what's this? This is what Canadians get drunk off of. I believe this is a gift from Eliza. Oh, great. Wasn't it? I think I believe this is a gift from Eliza. Oh, great. Wasn't it? I think so.

Yes. Thank you, Eliza. It's like she loves you, dude. She's a mistake. Oh, Eliza and I are very cool. It was a mistake. Very cool. I love Eliza.

I don't want to. She thought she, you know, times we get caught, we thought we had an idea. Hey, man, if you tried to. That was in your head. If you tried to go through all the times I thought I came up with something, come on. I do it all the time. I'm horrible. I'm fucking horrible. I'm consistently wrong.

That's what I love about you is that you say something and then you don't apologize. You go, hey, this is who I am. If you just showed up to a dance and then said, hey, that guy can't dance, you go, yeah, that's why we're here. I don't know how to dance. I don't know how to fucking dance either. When I'm talking about ideas and people are like, hey, that guy can't dance. He'd go, yeah, that's why we're here. Yeah, I don't know how to dance. I don't know how to fucking dance either. Well, when I'm talking about ideas and people like, oh, you shouldn't express that because

you're not an expert in that field. Okay, for sure. But this is what I'm saying. Don't listen to me. Don't take my advice. But this is my opinion. I'm not be wrong. I'm open to being wrong.

I love being wrong. I really do. Yeah, tell me what's wrong Tell me what what who's? Why are we deciding that people can't just talk about things? I'm not an expert I shouldn't be considered an expert if you think that I shouldn't be able to shoot the shit with my friends Like I would in private, but let you listen You don't have to listen but this is the this is what we do this is what we we've done from the beginning it's like if you go back to the fucking snowflake days I say I said non-stop I remember uh I don't know from what you said

something and everyone's like coming to me like what do you think about what Joe said and I go hey oh oh it's uh the it's Ivermectin. Yeah. And I was on a podcast with Drew, and he goes, so what do you think about that? And I was like, oh, yeah, I'm glad you guys know my friend now. I go, this is who he is. He's always been at the forefront of anything.

Alpha brain, fucking cortisol mushrooms. You've always been curious about all that stuff. Ever since that guy Bill Romanowski hit you up and talked about... Yes, Neuro One. Neuro One. And I go, yeah, that's who my friend is. I go, listen, I get...

How many times have you told me this is what you need to do? Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. And then I go, okay. And I go, that's who Joe is. And I'm shocked that people are showing up to the dance now and going, I can't believe this is what he said.

And I go... Well, the thing is they're saying that I shouldn't have been saying that I took a drug that they don't think should be taken for a disease. I'm not judging anybody. If that's earnestly what you were told in the way it was described to you, it would sound ridiculous that some fucking meathead dummy who used to host fear factor and he's a cage fighting commentator was telling people that he took a horse dewormer i'd be like that fucking moron i get it but this is what you probably need to know and i'm gonna send this to jamie and i'm gonna i'm not saying i'm gonna be really clear with, I'm not saying, I'm going to be really clear with this. I'm not saying that I think that you should do anything with your life, whether it's get vaccinated or don't,

I am not saying any of that. I am just sending you something. And I would do this if you were my friend, I would do this. I would go, what is this? And I would talk to people. Luckily, because of this podcast, I get to talk to people who are like legitimate scientists and i ask them about the data i'm like can you sort this out this is from was this from june of 2020 is that what it says okay june of 2020 it says scroll the fda approved drug ivermectin inhibits the replication of SARS-CoV-2 in vitro. What that means is that when they put it in, it was in a laboratory, in a laboratory setting, they showed that this ivermectin, this medication that they've used for river blindness and all sorts of parasites. And they use it in Africa. Literally, it's been given out billions.

Put that back up. It's been given out billions of doses. B-I, billions. Says that it was an inhibitor of COVID-19 causative virus in vitro, a single treatment able to affect, I don't know what that squeaky line is, 5,000 fold reduction in virus in 48 hours in cell culture. That doesn't mean in humans.

It doesn't always work in humans. Sometimes when they do things in labs, it doesn't work on people. I'm not saying it does. Ivermectin is FDA approved for parasitic infections and therefore has a potential for repurposing. Ivermectin is widely available due to its inclusion the world health organization's model list of essential medicines so it's an essential medicine in the world health organization's list there's studies that show that at least in cells in like in a laboratory setting yeah it inhibits the growth of the virus but yet people will say you're taking horse tranquilizers like or medication

that's not for humans like what what is happening here what is what is going on there well i'll tell you i'll tell you i i don't know anything about ivermectin i will say i don't either i will say that i don't i want to say i don't either i'm just saying shit that i've read i don't like if you ask me what i know i don't know who's right. I don't know what's right. I have a doctor, one of my doctors, said to me, you know, I get my heart checked up every nine months, getting ready to go on tour. We do a physical.

I say, hey, man, you know, Joe's my friend, but like, tell me what, and he goes, number one, a protocol is a great thing to have. A protocol for if and when you get the disease is a great thing to have. That's what Joe had. You had a protocol set up, right? Like mononucleosis or whatever the fuck it was. I said, hey, get me the NAD strip, all the shit you had. What I find fascinating is that he goes, hey, man, this is a doctor I have that I trust.

Yes. He goes, I don't know. Seems to be fine. And then he tells me other stuff. And then you're like, okay. And you hear so much stuff from other people where it's like, hey, man, you need to get the booster of Johnson & Johnson. Hey, this ivermectin works or the mononucleosis works or all these things work. Then I go go i don't

know who to fucking listen to anymore it's hard listen they're figuring it out as the pandemic escalates yeah and as the pandemic evolves they're figuring it out like i don't think it does anybody any good to get upset at people for making the wrong decisions at any point during this very confusing time, including the people that, look, there's people that thought everyone had to be on a ventilator. It turns out that's not true at all. It turns out that was, correct me if I'm wrong, that was bad. Yes.

It turned out to be bad. Yeah. It turns out that when you put some people on ventilators, I mean, I don't know. They don't come back. Yeah. I don't know why. Allegedly, I don't know. But I think it was like a crazy number.

Like 80% of the people they put on ventilators didn't make it. I don't know if they would have made it anyway. Right? I don't know why allegedly but i think it was like a crazy number like 80 of the people they put on ventilators didn't make it i don't know if they wouldn't have made it anyway right i don't know i'm just what this is just shit that i read it's just like they learn as this thing goes along they figure out as this thing goes along in the beginning we thought it was on surfaces then they realize it's not on surfaces but we have to be like really careful in not like even if you get upset at me and you don't like me and what i stand for a meathead i'm a dummy all those all those things that i understand you got to separate me from what i said because i'm not saying it because it's my idea. I'm saying it because some brilliant doctors that have helped treat people told me that. And I know they were, and I read a lot of papers on this.

I'm like, well, what is this really? Like, why has it been so effective in certain states in India? Why has it been so effective? There's real, like, interesting aspects of this. And the fact that it would get dismissed as horse medication just shows you how fucking weird of a time we're in. It's a weird ass time. It's very strange. Because here's what nobody gave a fuck about.

I got better in five days. I was aware of that. I think everyone was a little bit aware of that. But that's never discussed. People say I take horse medication. I got better in five days. And you tested negative in like, what, six? Five days. Five days.

But it wasn't that stuff. I don't think it was any one thing. It was a bunch of things, including the monoclonal antibodies. That was a big thing. Monoclobal, that's it. Monoclobal. I think also the NAD drips and the vitamin drips that I did every day. And I'm not saying that everybody has access to this.

I'm not saying any of these things. I'm not giving you decisions that you have to make based on my advice. I don't have any advice. I'm just saying it's weird that all the hullabaloo was about a medication that I took that's made for human beings. And none of it was about the fact that I got better so quick. Yeah. Well, dude, I said to my crew, we're going on tour for the Birdie World Tour.

It starts this week. Coming up. Jesus, is that a shameless plug? It's a hardcore, because I know this conversation will go viral. Starting Augusta, Montgomery, Augusta. But I said to them, I said, hey, man, Augusta, Montgomery, Augusta. But I said to them, I said, hey, man, if we get a protocol set up, who wants the Rogan cocktail?

Every single one of them is like, dude, if I get fucking COVID, I'm going to throw the fucking kitchen sink at it. Like, why not? What is it, you know? Yes. Throw the kitchen sink at it, for sure. Because no one wants to end up in a hospital You know that young kid Amanda Clutes his husband. Yes, and you look at on the respirator, right and and it was heartbreaking I followed that whole story horrible story horrible story. He's a young guy and what you know, you talk about the paths

But like she was so upbeat during that whole fucking thing. What a fucking solid person she was, singing songs to him and trying to uplift his spirits. And that poor kid went through the fucking ringer. And that was a lot of times where you can't blame anyone. No one knew what they were doing back then. No one knew what was happening. Michael Yeo was one of the first people. I remember hearing that and going like,

because I remember doing a podcast with you, and then you did one one with him and I was like, wait, this shit's real? His doctor straight up said to him that if I put you in the ventilator, you'll die. He said, you'll die. Your lungs will stop working for themselves and you'll die. And he's like, holy fuck. And he got through it. See, it was in the early days, man. I remember the, we don't have enough ventilators.

Yeah. That was a big thing, right? The New York City thing. They were going to fill up all these different event centers, right? Yeah. Was it the Javits Center? Javits Center. Yeah, they were going to fill it up.

Or on the west side. Is that what it is? Yeah. They do. Just to put it in perspective for people listening, they do huge trade events there. Yeah. They do. Just to put it in perspective for people listening, they do huge trade events there. Yeah. Like that is where a boat, a car show, a boat show would go. And they would, and that is, they were going to fill it up with fucking ventilators?

I knew a dude who had a mob job there. Really? Yeah, he had a no-show job. Buddy of mine. He got paid, he got a check every week. He had a no-show job at the javits center back in the old days like he he was connected he was in the family god thank god i didn't get one of those he had a great job he had benefits he never worked a day in his life he just got paid there was a bunch of those back in the 90s back before the internet was around There was a bunch of people who had like weird

shaky ass gigs You would have never got me into comedy if I go with the world of criminals was so different before the internet Like people could do all kind of John Gotti days. Oh the world of Criminals was so wild, know yeah i do yeah al capone imagine going back to the world of al capone imagine being around al capone during prohibition he's making money selling moonshine buying houses in west palm dies of syilis. I thought that's how I'd go out. I thought so too.

Syphilis. It's like I'd never know it until I was blind. And then I was like, it's too late. They can't fix it anymore. Down. What would you do? I definitely thought I had syphilis at a point. Where's the highest concentrations of syphilis?

If you had to guess. Don't say Liverpool. I had a guess. Don't say Liverpool. That would be rude. We're talking good about Liverpool. I would say syphilis. What do you think?

Some swampy place, right? No. I would think it would be a swampy joint. So it's got to be a place. Here's where my brain goes. High temperature. I'm thinking low temperature because you don't want to wear a condom when you're cold. I don't think it's like that.

Really? Oh, it's got to be Sierra Leone. Sierra're cold. I don't think it's like that. Really? Oh, it's got to be Sierra Leone. Sierra Leone. It's got to be Sierra Leone. If you're really cold, you could fuck with a wetsuit on. Put me in that world. Yeah, just open up the crotch. I don't think it's a swampy disease, if I had to guess.

I have no knowledge of syphilis. No, but you know what? A lot of Europeans got it, man. Oh, for real? Yeah. Do you know where the... I'm sorry if everybody's heard this story before. Do you know where the term bigwig comes from?

No. Bigwig comes from... It started out, there's these two royals, and they had syphilis. They were in France, and they were losing front france and um they were losing their hair and fucking they get holes in their face and shit and while they had syphilis when they were losing their hair they got wigs and then because they were royalty everybody wanted to copy that it's like when kanye comes out with a new outfit the easy slides so all these dudes started wearing wigs so the more money you had had, the bigger the wig you wore.

And it meant you had syphilis. So if you had, no, necessarily, not necessarily. Dudes had to wear wigs because these guys wore wigs, so everybody was copying these guys. But the reason they wore wigs was because they had syphilis and their fucking hair was falling out. And have you ever seen syphilis injuries? Like when people get holes in their face,

you can see through and see their teeth. No, please pull that up. Yeah seen syphilis injuries like when people like get holes in their face you can see through and see their teeth please pull that up yeah syphilis is wild when people die their nose falls off it's fucking terrifying shit your body just falls apart so these guys had syphilis and the fucking hair was falling apart so they got wigs so everybody wanted to be like them so they all got wigs all these regular dudes were like families and fucking you know faithful to their wife and have a garden and shit and going to church. They show up with a fucking wig. They were wearing a wig too because these marauding, crazy royals were just fucking everyone and getting syphilis.

Oh my God. Yeah. These are legitimate syphilis injuries. So that's what syphilis. I don't think I knew what syphilis was. I've never had syphilis. Your nose falls off, tissue damage, necrosis, all kinds of- Okay. I don't have syphilis. Your nose falls off, tissue damage, necrosis, all kinds of-

Okay, I don't have syphilis. Isn't that what it's called? Necrosis? I got the clap in college. Look at that lady. She's got a hole in her face. From syphilis? Yeah.

Her nose is caved in. She's got a hole in the center of her face. Oh my God. Yeah, there's a lot of that. A lot of that with syphilis people. And it's not just your face too.

It's like lots of parts of your body start falling apart like that. It's a rotten way to die. Yeah, they would get holes in their face. So they documented this. Al Capone died of this. Pull that out. Make sure that's true.

I think that's true. That Al Capone died of syphilis. Yep, right there. He had the syphilis dementia, so the holes must have been in his brain. Oh, did he really? It was in his brain. Oh, did he really? It was in his brain? Is that what they said? Go to all.

So we can see if there's a story that, how did Al Capone? Uh, da-da-da, yeah. Syphilis in the 30s? Syphilis, he died of syphilis. Since there was no cure for syphilis in the 1930s, Capone's illness worsened and led to his death at age of just 48. That's me. That's you, dude.

Imagine. I got the clap in college. How was it? I didn't like it. Was it overrated? Tell you what, I didn't give it an applause break. It was rough. It was rough because I think it was the first bout I had of like OCD where you go like,

I'm dirty now, you know? Where you're like, ah, this isn't the plan I had lined up. I think some people, like myself, I remember our dog Priscilla had knee surgeries. I had a hard time with that because I was like, you see a dog with an ailment, you're like, goddammit, I got a dog with hip dysplasia. There's no perfection there. When I got the clap, it fucked me up because I had only had sex with two chicks. Are you comparing your clap experience to a dog with hip dysplasia?

Very similar. I'm just trying to find the logic. Very similar. I was almost identical. I'm trying to follow your thinking here. It was the same thing. I think it's an OCD thing where you go, I want life to be perfect. And then when you're doing everything right and then you get the clap you're like well i thought i fucking

followed the rules like how did this happen to me and and it was hard for me it was a hard like thing for me to figure out and then because you then you every chick i ever had sex with afterwards i was presented like just you know i had to clap in college so i always wanted you always have to say that right away you don't't have to, I think, but I did. But you don't have it anymore. I didn't, yeah. But it's not like, you know, something you can, if you like. I was.

That's how my brain works. You say the clap. Like the clap is like a classic VD. Like when was the clap? When did that first, it's gonorrhea. When did that first. Is it gonorrhea? That's the clap, right?

When did, it's a great name. It's a great. Why would you ever call it gonorrhea when you call gonorrhea. When did that first gonorrhea? Is it gonorrhea? That's the clap, right? It's a great name. Why would you ever call it gonorrhea when you call it the clap? The clap was so much easier. It's a great name. Why is it the clap, by the way? I remember dudes, I won't say your name right now. I remember dudes in my fraternity going, oh, it's the clap. We all had the clap.

Here it is. Why is gonorrhea called the clap? Hmm. What does it say? Sometimes this clapping was done by smashing the penis between two... Whoa, I should read before that. What the fuck? Wait, I was supposed to slam my penis between two paddles?

Okay, here, it's the beginning. Now, why is it called the clap? Will it make it a little smaller? There you go. Why is it called the clap? There are a few different theories behind the nickname, but the one I like most has to do with an old-timey treatment. Gonorrhea is a

bacterial infection that can affect both the men and the women, but the men are more likely to show symptoms like greater frequency of urgency of urination, meaning they have to pee all the time or feel like they have to pee, but then nothing comes out. They may also get swelling or redness in their

penis or testicles or pus-like discharge. Legend has it that once upon a time, people believed that clapping their hands hard on both sides of the penis could forcibly expel the pus and cure the infection. You feel like that. When you have it, you go, if I slam this against a wall right now, it would go away. Sometimes this clapping was done by smashing the penis between two hard objects like two boat paddles. You feel like that?

I fucking swear to God, I was sitting at the ATO fraternity house thinking, I got to get this to you. It was so- Hold on. Go back. Go back. Well, it's like there's a table of different things. But hold on a second.

Two hard objects like two boat paddles according to this article from the Women's Health Foundation. What? Or a book. Or a book like the table... Or a book and a table like this public library science blog suggests. Or a book and a table, like this public library science blog suggests. But the Women's Health Foundation has stories about dudes whacking boat paddles against their cocks to cure syphilis. It was unbearable.

Like, unbearable. Why is that? Is that the only reference? How do we know that that's not just someone clowning on dudes and their dicks? If I was the woman running the World Women's Health Foundation health foundation what is it called again yes the women's it's also it's also it's also called clap because clappier is a word for a French word for brothel Oh another one also a nest of rabbits which have a reputation for being pretty sexually active. Clapping. Here's my question. Who's patient zero?

With the clap. How's that come out? Here's a better question, right? Oh, better than that? Ari Shafir had a theory. We should call Ari to get it. That if no one had sex for three days, we'd get rid of herpes.

No, because all the people with herpes keep it for life. Ari's an idiot. All right, there you go. That is a stupid fucking thing to say. That doesn't make any sense at all. I'm certain I misquoted him. That is so dumb.

I bet you did, because he wouldn't say that. If he did, he'd say, oh, what the fuck was I thinking? Fucking Ari. What the fuck was I thinking? Yeah, that doesn't make any sense, bro. You keep herpes for life. That's so crazy. I remember getting the clap, and the doctor was telling me, like,

hey, man, I can just give you the pills or I can give you the test, but you just want the pills. I was like, I don't have the clap. And he was like, no, you definitely got it. Like, yeah, trust me. What do you have to take? Just, like, amoxicillin, I think. Just like a penicillin type deal?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't give you a shot? No, it was pills. And it was like 10 days of pills. You had to stay sober. That was in college. That was like fucking rough. For 10 days.

The oldest virus ever found is a sexually transmitted disease. Whoa. It's in Kazakhstan. Oh, hepatitis B, proven to be 4,500 years old. Look at this. Okay, I'll say it the way it's printed because I'm an idiot. A virus found in the genetic fragments of several remains in Germany, Kazakhstan, Poland, and Russia were shown to have remnants of an STI hepatitis B proving to be 4,500 years old.

So that's for sure back then then, they had hepatitis. Oh, yeah. You can get hepatitis from just drinking, right? No. Or like liver failure or something. Fuck. No, I think hepatitis is a disease. I'm trying to say just shy of that.

I think hepatitis is something you catch. It's like a virus. I know we got hepatitis. There's alcoholic hepatitis. That's what I'm looking for. Caused by drinking too much alcohol. But you have signs. How is it possible that something you can get through sex,

you can also get through drinking? Shouldn't they come up with a new name? It seems like you get it at the same time. Is it the same? But is it the same but isn't it is it the same thing like if you I think it's it's so so I've met a couple a couple heroin addicts and they get are afraid of hepatitis that one right the drunk one to liver failure thing right but why is it called hepatitis if a hepatitis is also something that you get

from sexually transmission sexual transmission right how is it possible that those two are the same things that's why i only party and i don't well it's also like why we're both not scientists probably yeah we don't understand yeah they're trying to fit they're having like in my head there's got to be something they're calling it a different hepatitis for a reason so they just make up another name yeah it could just be like so lazy i get a hepatitis a shot correct like if i travel i get a hepatitis a a reason. Well, they just make up another name. It could just be like, it's so lazy. I get a hepatitis A shot, correct? Like if I travel, I get a hepatitis A shot. And what do you get hepatitis A from?

For drinking bullshit water. Like if you go to Tom's and Gertrude's house and his son gives you toilet water, I get a hepatitis A shot before I go there. But like, yeah, it's crazy the way that medicines change. Ketamine. When I was in college, ketamine, cat tranquilizer, you partied with it, right? Isn't it weird how you're scared to drink toilet water, but you're not scared to eat ass?

I'm not afraid to eat ass at all. Isn't that kind of crazy? Well, we clean it up first. How much do you clean it up? Do you clean it up like a whole bowl of water? No, I don't. The floor is probably lake leaner than ass.

And you're like, get that toilet water away from me. What I would do is I'd chug that in front of that kid and let him know, you want to know

about eating ass now? Yeah. Want to know what I'm scared of? It would be great if Tom just grabbed it, killed it, and goes,

I want to tell you something about me and your mom. His son's like, huh? He's like, I eat her asshole too. Woo!

Hey, hot one coming in. Five years old, finding out about eating ass. What year do you think you were when you found out about eating ass? I thought you were going to say about, well, it was the same time I ate ass. Like, I didn't know you could do it until I did it. Did you fall asleep and then wake up and lick the wrong thing? No, I fucking loved eating ass. I loved eating ass.

I loved spitting in mouths. I loved all of that When I was young it was almost like Do you remember when your parents would leave you at home And you were like I'm going to jack off 20 times today Am I the only one No that's a lot Like twice

Twice I've done twice I remember when exploring My heterosexuality in college And being like I'm doing every page of the book Exploring my heterosexuality in college and being like, I'm doing every page of the book. Exploring your heterosexuality? Yeah, like someone went to explore their homosexuality. Right. I explored my heterosexuality, and I did every page of the book.

Why can't it just be your sexuality? Because I want to let them know that they're represented as well. Okay. I get it. I met a gay dude when I moved to New York, and he talked to me about being gay. And it was like reading a book I didn't expect to read, and I loved it. I met a gay dude when I moved to New York, and he talked to me about being gay. And it was like reading a book I didn't expect to read, and I loved it. He was like, yeah, I got fucked out of a loft the other day. And I was like, what?

Whoa, out of a loft? And he had a black eye, and he came in. He fell off the top? The guy was fucking pounding him. Oh, my God. And I remember hearing about that and being like, whoa. And then I realized, if you look at sexuality, I did the shit in college i was like i mean i wasn't like great at sex in high school i was really bad i did it did you study no did you get better at you get a coach my my for losing my virginity

was a fucking nightmare like i i i didn't put you fuck a ghost? Mark Norman and I were in Europe. I came down. We were both hungover as fuck. You ever be in a shower and the wind's blowing so the curtain keeps touching your body? Every day. Every day. Every day of my life.

Mark's in the worst place. He's hung over his fucking shit. Shit and blood throwing up. Really? Mark can't hang for anybody. Well, he can't hang with you. Listen, I run that dude into the dirt. You're uncomfortable.

Your ability to absorb alcohol makes me uncomfortable. I'm like, Jesus. I enjoy now putting Mark onto his heels. Yeah, he can't fuck with you. He shouldn't be trying. But he should eat parties. I got him IV't fuck with you. He shouldn't be trying. But he should eat parties. I got him IVs every fucking morning. He's not big enough.

You're encompassing much more mass. That's a factor. So I wake up. I get down to the bus or the car or whatever to go to the airport. And Mark's just not feeling good. And I go, I've told him. Mark Norman might be $1.70, right? Maybe. Oh, not even that much.

How much did he weigh? You could hold him down, right, Jamie? He's not too far off from me. I'm like 195. At the most, I would say he's in the 70s. I don't think he's- 25 pounds less than me? Really?

So Bird has got to be 240. I'm 240 right now. Yeah. See, that's a large difference for the amount of volume that the alcohol's going through. Because I keep them at my pace. I keep them at my pace. And you know this motherfucker has a swollen liver. You know his liver is extra large.

Pull up my fucking cedar cyanides. I got great liver. No, not bad. It's just like a, you know Roy Jones Jr. has one gigantic left bicep. Really? And his right bicep's normal size. Really? Yeah, his production company's called left hook productions because Roy Jones jr

A lot of times you wouldn't even lead with the jab Like you would just leave with the left hook his his left hook was so lightning fast and because he threw it so many times His left bicep is gigantic. Look at his left bicep. Holy shit. Yeah, it's wild dude. It's wild Oh, so that's my liver and that's Mark Norman's liver. Exactly. That's what I'm trying to tell you. That liver gets work. That liver gets work like Roy Jones Jr.'s left bicep. Yeah. I put in the work, brother.

And I'll get up. I get up like my favorite thing. And this is something that, like I said, this podcast has brought to my brain is the benefits of busting your ass on a treadmill at like six in the morning five in the morning and putting in work after you partied all night and getting flooding that system water and feeling great right yeah you gotta you know what else is really good too glutathione glutathione is my bitch yeah i love that shit you get it on every iv i get it every IV. It's really good and it actually helps you metabolize

alcohol. Make sure that's true. Again, please, ladies and gentlemen, if I'm having a discussion if I'm having a discussion about anything other than MMA Jiu Jitsu comedy, maybe playing

pool. Don't listen to me.'s what i know i know those things fairly good i get glutathione every time and then i get the big vitamin c two vitamin b's tweet 12 and 7 or whatever and then i get uh and then my other thing is um magnesium magnesium bag the vitamin c is huge if you're sick, too. What's worse than poor sleep, bad diet, stress, and drinking alcohol drastically deplete your glutathione levels and restrict natural replenishment. When there is not enough glutathione available in your blood cells and liver, these toxic chemicals start to build up in your body. So it says NAC, which I also take, increases your body's ability to produce glutathione, which is great because I eat that too, bitch! What's NAC?

How do I get that? You got something here on it? I'll tell you in a minute. I forget how to say it, but we'll tell you in a second. Glutathione, which is an antioxidant that can reduce the toxicity causing your painful hangover. NAC is also a useful nutrient for liver support and doesn't have any major side effects, making it ideal for combating your hangover without adding nausea or drowsiness. I forget what's fine about NAC.

I get that every time. How do you say it? Okay. NAC is, that's it right there. That's it. Click on that. It's N-acetylcysteine. I don't know if I'm saying that right.

N-acetylcysteine is an antioxidant that may play a role in preventing cancer. As a drug, it's used by healthcare providers to treat, what is that word? Oh, acetaminophen Tylenol overdose. So I take that stuff. And glutathione, Dr. Mark Gordon was the first person to explain that to me. And he endorses, he says you should take liposomal glutathione if you want to take a supplement for glutathione. Because it's really good to take as you're drinking i i take right when you're done i got to the place where i was like i think

so i started doing ivs right after i got uh dosed by ari i started doing ivs and i was like they're fucking super helpful super helpful and and then i heard i heard you guys i don't know if i'm telling tales and edited about if i am but like you guys were on the road with Chappelle, and Chappelle was like, yo, IV up, let's go. He was the first guy that introduced me to IVs on the road. We've done a few shows together, but one of the first ones we did together was in Tacoma. So we did the show in Tacoma, and then he has IVs everywhere. I go, what's going on? It's like everybody gets a vitamin drip IV and glutathione.

I'm like, I'm in. I'm in. So gets a vitamin drip, IV, and glutathione. I'm like, I'm in. I'm in. So we all sat around a hotel room and got fucking IV drips. It was awesome. It's the greatest thing, man. You feel like almost immediately slightly more vibrant. If you're aware of your body and you have like, if you work out all the time, you have a pretty good sense of like how hard you can push it or where it feels at a certain time.

That's one of the best ways to know if you're sick, right? Yeah. To understand your body. When you get like a little jolt, you're like, ooh. Ooh. Yeah. This is something. I don't think this is just a placebo effect.

There's something to this, right? Yeah. Dude, we got them. Jamie, if you pull up my Instagram, I had the most beautiful morning planned. We did Red Rocks the night before, right? Look at you guys. Bunch of junkies out there. My wife's in. I'm in. Dave Williamson.

Tom Hayslip, Dave's wife. Mark Norman. Who's the guy with the mask in the back? What's he scared of? That's actually our doctor. That's the guy administering them. The doctor's got a mask on. Everybody else is drunk. Shout out to Rocky Mountain IVs. Look at the doctor.

The doctor's stepping way back. He's like, thank God this shit doesn't transmit outside. Look at him. We all got IVs. I ordered them. I got them under the trees. Do you have a mimosa in your hand? I do have a mimosa.

You're drinking a mimosa while you have an IV. I just did Red Rocks the night before. I had the greatest night of my fucking life. Don't be defensive. I'm asking questions. I got everyone IVs. This is the first round. We got another round.

And then we all went out. Went to Jimmy Buffett that night. We got him the night before the show. Mark Norman goes, the guy goes, you want nads? Mark goes, I've never had it. Let's try it. I'm like, Mark, you're about to perform in front of 10,000 people. Maybe you don't want to try a brand new drug.

And he goes, ah, Rogan does it. Let's do it. And Mark comes off. He's like, that's the best goddamn thing I've ever felt in my life. It feels good. How long? Did you guys do it for like two hours? You watch a movie or anything?

I think they did the shot. Oh, that's good, too. The shot's good, too. I've done that. That's actually way more comfortable. The drip is uncomfortable. Dave Williamson gets the shot, and he goes, doesn't know what it is. Then he goes, whoa.

Yeah, yeah, for a few minutes. Whoa, I think I'm having a heart attack. And I go, is that the NAD thing? And he goes, is there a side effect? And he goes, oh, you feel tightness in your chest, a little uneasiness. You're like going to throw up. It feels like a heart attack, but you're going to be fine. Dave's like, grrr.

Yeah, the drip is worse. Really? Yeah, that's why they do it over two hours. You sit there for like, you watch a movie or something. I could do that. It's comfortable. You know what I want to do? Yeah, just watch a movie and you don't even notice that it's in your arm.

I want to do the... Hyperbaric chamber? You knew it. Yeah. I did 60 of those over 90 days. That's what I want to know about. He's in his daily study. Gabby Reese calls me up right after I get my surgery.

By the way, huge shout out to Gabby and Laird. They're awesome humans. They're just good people. They're amazing and they're giant. When you're around them, you're like, oh, I'm so tiny. They call me up. They call me up. You know what I love?

I'm a FaceTime motherfucker. I like that too. I FaceTime everyone. I don't give a fuck. I like when people FaceTime me and don't expect it. I like that even more. Like I'm taking a shit? FaceTime from Gabby Reese, right?

I'm making coffee, and it's Laird Hamilton. And I go, I like panic, right? This is like, dude, I've watched surf on YouTube. I've known this guy since North Shore. I know this guy. And I know Gabby. I went to Florida State. And I'm like, and he goes, hey, man, I appreciate you promoting the health stuff, the turmeric and the coffee.

Yeah, his coffee shit is amazing. His coffee's amazing. I go, man, I'm a big fan. And then Gabby real quick pulls the phone away. She's like, all right, that's all right. Okay. Hey, what's going on with you? Just a good person.

She's super nice. She's like, you need to get in the hyperbaric chambers. She's great for healing. Fix that arm of yours. She's like, what's your protocol? And I'm like, Gabby, you're talking to the wrong motherfucker. Fix that arm of yours. She's like, what's your protocol?

And I'm like, Gabby, you're talking to the wrong motherfucker. I remember I was on news radio and I did a celebrity volleyball game once. And she was there. And there was this dude from Baywatch who was there. And one of the kids from Home Improvement was there. And I had a serious case of imposter syndrome because nobody knew who I was. And I was there. And I was like, wow, that's Gabby Reese like that's a lady from the Olympics yeah that's that kid from home improvement and I'm like that's that dude from pay watch and literally I don't even think I was on news radio

then I think I was on hardball I think it was on that fox show no one knew who I was yeah and I remember like I get texts from her every now and then I'm like I remember like I saw you at that volleyball game and I was like can't believe she's really right there. Yeah. Oh, dude. She was, like, growing up in Florida, she was a legend. And I know she wouldn't be comfortable with this. But, like, she went to Florida State.

That was the one person that jumped out. Her and Dion jumped out of Florida State and went on to a global scale. MTV for her, Dion the pros. She's a legit, like, one in a million athlete million athlete to when she was a volleyball player like different different And you wouldn't you know good people there. They hit me up when Tom got hurt, and they were like hey Yeah, let us know about Tom's recovery. We want to help him out We're doing stuff in the pool that might be good for his like that's how they their brains work Yeah, dude Laird Hamilton is a special kind of freak human, man. When you see that, like a lot, like people overuse that word, like freak.

And I'm probably guilty of it myself, but listen to me on this one. Listen to me on this one because I'm not fucking around. That guy, he told me he does an airdyne machine inside a sauna. So he gets a sauna. With oven mitts. Oven mitts. Yeah. So he gets a sauna.

With oven mitts. He puts oven mitts on. Yeah. He's doing these wild things where he's taking like 75-pound dumbbells and jumping into the pool and swimming while holding a 75-pound. Do you know how fucking hard that is? Dude, I watched him the first time in a polar plunge. Now, I had done them because I thought it was a cool thing. What's a polar plunge? You jump into the frozen lake or something? No, no. The same thing you do. That polar plunge and now i had done them because i i thought there was a cool thing i saw something polar plunge you jump into the frozen lake or something no no the same thing you do that oh oh the ice bath yeah the ice bath yeah i watched him in an ice bath do like four minutes or six minutes

something like something crazy maybe eight minutes i don't know and i remember saying i remember going like trying it and i could do one minute. Yeah. And you're looking at him top to bottom in ice. And I go, so the human body can do that. Yeah, the human body can definitely do it. But you have to be really careful. The reason why you have to be careful is because a guy like that or a guy, you know, like even Wim Hof, like Wim Hof can do, we discovered he could do like an hour and 20 or something like that,

something insane. A regular person who's not accustomed to those kind of conditions and doesn't know their limit, the problem is like you can get to a point of no return where you can really hurt yourself. Where you lower your body temperature. I've done that before. You can get legit hypothermia. And when I got, I did 20 minutes inside that ice bath.

I saw that. I was like, hmm. I was freezing. Like I drove to work in 95 degree Texas heat or whatever the fuck it was, 90 degree Texas heat. And I kept the windows rolled up and I kept the AC off the whole time. And I was still freezing. I was freezing all the way to work. I couldn't. I watched you.

So just before you did one minute, I had done four minutes. My personal trainer is Lacey Mackey, Tate Fletcher's girlfriend. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's amazing, she's amazing, amazing. So we get, we do these Saturday morning trainings where our four families, we call them the campers, we do these Saturday morning trainings where our four families,

we call them the campers. We all go and train together and Lacey's our coach and she does fun things for the whole family. But more importantly, we do a little bit of sauna, a little bit of polar plunge for all of us. Yeah. So we get, we had this bathtub, we hadn't built the house yet, but our bathtub that was going to our master bath, we get like 300 pounds of ice, dump it in the bathtub.

It's in a box out in our backyard. And she goes, four minutes. You should do four minutes. And I've only done a minute at that time. And she teaches us. We all go into the gym. She does over-oxygenated breathing. Right? So we all breathe really hard and get our breath up. So I'm not hallucinogenic,

but we breathe really hard. And then she teaches us box breathing. And she goes, all right, so we'll do box breathing when you air in there. She doing six six and six for four and four So hmm, and by the way, I apologize if I'm doing the wrong thing and Lacey's Lacey Feel free to correct me but for breasts in hold for four breaths for breaths out hold for four breaths. So it's like For four holes. Oh, I mean seconds. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Yeah It's like for four, hold for four. Oh, you mean seconds. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Four seconds. Four seconds in.

Hold for four seconds and then relax for four. Out for four and then hold for four. And so we do four-second Brock's breathing. I go in first, and Joe, I swear to you, I think it's online, Jamie, but you don't have to pull it up. I've only done a minute at this time. I think I did four minutes. Four minutes, and I was like.

After the box breathing. Doing box breathing. She was like, panic breath, panic breath, panic. breath panic coaching us through it got a watch on us and then my my daughter goes in georgia 17 years old she goes you can do this george and george gets in and does fucking four minutes and and then all the kids go in they do this box breathing four minutes now my daughter isla is obsessed with it. And I got the Renews. I wish I knew the name of it. Renew, like legit polar plunge like you got.

But I think it's called Renew or something. Renew. I'm so sorry for that guy. So he would love for me to say it right right now. We'll figure it out. Jamie will find it. We we got it my backyard and my daughter isla loves to go in there box breathe for four minutes and fucking pound out yeah there's a thing about the cold exposure is people get really excited about what how you feel afterwards yeah because uh when the rush of

all your blood goes to your core to try to keep your organs alive and then you get out and it all floods to your body you feel amazing yeah and that was explained to me by dr. Rhonda Patrick shout out to Rhonda Patrick shout out that woman amazing I've texted her a million times and thank you to that woman she's always replied and been like maybe you don't want they know dot dot dot you should try the yeah that sauna she's super cool't want, you know, dot, dot, dot. You should try the sauna. She's super cool. She's like, you know, I've been friends with her forever. She's a fascinating person. But one of the things that I had a chance to do was see her first time ever in a cryo chamber.

I took her to cryotherapy in Woodland Hills after the podcast. We all went down there. And Jamie, you went in there too, right? Didn't we all go in there that day? We all went in there and she did three minutes and she came out. She's like, oh my God. too, right? Didn't we all go in there that day? We all went in there, and she did three minutes, and she came out. She's like, oh, my God. Okay, now I get it. And she's like, as a scientist, she's explaining, oh, my God, the norepinephrine is running through my veins.

Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was pretty dope. Didn't we film that? Didn't I film her? It's probably on your – I think it's on the Instagram. I'm 99% sure.

I would love to see that. I filmed her coming out of the cryotherapy chamber the very first time she ever did it but that feeling is what yeah there it is that's her but I think there's a video if you find out whatever that day is it's like that same day now there was the same people on Ventura that I think Joey and I hooked up with yeah yeah yeah Woodland Hills yeah is that where it is yeah cryotherapy Woodland Hills and I'd go in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Woodland Hills. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that where it is? Yeah, Cryotherapy Woodland Hills. And I'd go in and they'd recognize me and they're like, hey, Joey Diaz was just in here. I was like, oh.

You could pick your music and go in and just fucking jam out. Every time, Foo Fighters. Every time. Every time. There goes my hero. Socks and gloves on. That's nice. You know what my go-to song was?

What? Dragon Attack by Queen. Wait, what's that song? Oh what my go-to song was? What? Dragon Attack by Queen. Wait, what's that song? Oh, my God. You don't know that song? Uh-uh. Well, since we're on Spotify. Oh, shut up.

Young Jamie, get Dragon Attack. You can play music on this? Listen, we'll find out. They haven't kicked us off yet. Dude, I'm still living off here. Fuck your money. I'm ready to go. Let's go.

This is my freezing to death music. 250 degrees below zero. I have oven mitts on. These mitts on. And then I would have the earmuffs on. You have to put the earmuffs on. You want to keep your ears from freezing. And your hands. And I would always put my hands right over my junk. Because that would also get cold. It doesn't make sense.

And I would dance. Oh this is a good song! my junk because that would also get cold. It doesn't make sense. Yeah. And I would dance. Oh, this is a good song. This is my song. This is my I'm freezing to death song. I knew exactly where it would cut off. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes it'd be a problem. I would need another song. It's four minutes and 27 seconds, so

I had a lot of songs that were like 2.30 Like some old school ACDC songs That didn't quite make it to like 3 minutes But this is a good solid So hear me Freezing to death With a mask on by the way It was my first experience with a surgical mask

Oh This is a good freezing song It's good because a lot of people don't know about it too I found out about this song from Joey Diaz This is a good freezing song. It's good because a lot of people don't know about it, too. I found out about the song from Joey Diaz. He pulled into the Comedy Store parking lot. He goes, Cocksucker, come listen to this. And he's like, do-do-do-do-do-do.

He goes, Dragon Attack, motherfucker. Joey Diaz should be on Spotify and just do a Joey Diaz DJ channel. Yeah. Oh, my God. It would be the most amazing show on Spotify. Because he's so good at walking you through a song. Oh my God, and he's a giant music fan. Hardcore. That would probably be the best thing that he could ever do.

Other than his comedy, like Joey Diaz doing a podcast where he just breaks down music. How great would it be? You come home late night, right? You come home from the store with a comedy club and you get back to your man cave and you smoke a little weed, get a cocktail. Uncle Joey. Uncle Joey's doing it. Uncle Joey Radio.

Just call it Uncle Jody Radio and have him on Spotify with all of his favorite music and then tell stories. Tell stories about how Robert Plant used to go on stage every night wearing the shirt of the girl he fucked the day before. Dude, or a Joey Diaz pump you up. Let me tell you something cocksucker we're fucking america yeah you hear you hear fucking rambling man come on play can you play rambling man by this is imagine joey no no no no by by uh rambling gambling man by uh uh trying to make not that one not that one this is all my brother's dude joey diaz turn me on to uh that damn fogogarty.

What's the guy's name? Ramblin' Gambling Man. Who sings it? Joey Diaz should definitely do this. He, you, when, when. You talking about Bob Seger? Bob? Yeah.

Yeah. Joey Diaz. Joey Diaz, tell you a story. I ain't good looking, but you know I ain't shy. Joey Diaz said, let me tell you something. We're fucking Americans. This city was built on Detroit. People got confused about Bob Seger because of that lack of rock. This is the real Bob Seger.

I was born lonely. I was born lonely down by the riverside. And the good luck's just a dink hot. Listen, I was born lonely. I was born lonely. Down by the riverside. That's good looking. But I'm not hot. I was just 13 when I had to leave home. But I couldn't stay from life. I had to rope. Ain't good looking.

But you know I ain't shy. Ain't afraid to look. On the green. This is Joey Diaz. So if you need some love, then I'll give it right away. Take a little time now. On a green! This is Joey Diaz! Gambling Man! Ramblin'! Gambling Man! The best part of this song, there's no like, all of a sudden it goes from this to... Ready? Turn it up, turn it up. Here we go. Here we go.

This is Joey Diaz needs a fucking Spotify channel where he just DJs. Because the way he could inspire you when you go to it. Keep that on, keep that on. You go to that. Come on, honey. Let's see if we get sued. We're trying to promote music. We're trying to promote music We're trying to promote Spotify This is Spotify

I like that it sounds like shit Because it seems like someone's cassette deck Like I'm sitting in a 69 Camaro Joey Diaz, when you go And you eat too many edibles with him Or smoke weed And he give you a Let me tell you something about

Roseanne Bach And he just fucking go on a rant Yeah No, listen, man. I've learned a lot about music from Joey Diaz. I've learned a lot about life from Joey Diaz. My dad eats weed because of Joey Diaz. I'm trying to get Joey Diaz to move to Texas.

It's going to take some time. I've got a strategy, though. Got to open up my club first. It's been a nightmare. I'm an entrepreneur over here Burt Breischer Is it because it was on the Indian burial ground or something? Yeah it was a Stephen King movie

I was in a Stephen King movie Oh my god I'll explain to you afterwards I'm under a non-disclosure agreement I can't discuss it on the Al Gore's internets Those NDAs. Did you see Biden got a booster?

Biden got a booster today. No way. He said they've given like a billion shots. Maybe he's talking about the whole world. I love when Biden starts talking numbers. That guy's doing bang up work. Probably the best work ever. When Kyle Dunnigan does Biden impressions.

Kyle Dunnigan's gold. Gold. Gold. There's a few guys that have emerged from this pandemic stronger because of it. Let's name them. Andrew Schultz. Oh. 100%.

I mean, not as MMA commentating so much, but yeah. He's a little lie. He's throwing up some shit. He's my homie. Listen, he's my homie, and know. He's a little lie. He's stirring up some shit. He's my homie. Listen, he's my homie, and Valentina Shevchenko is going to be on the podcast soon. No one's a bigger Valentina Shevchenko, I would say, nut rider than me, but she's a woman. Yeah. She was a man I would say I was a nut rider.

Yeah. Schultz is great, man. I love that guy. I love him. He's just talking shit. I mean, he was funny as fuck, man. I saw him film a special down here at the Paramount. He filmed a special right here in Austin.

Yeah, it was awesome. It was so cool. He added two shows, right? Yeah, well, we talked about it. I think a person filming a special should do four shows. That's just my opinion. Booyah. Yeah, and I think the reason why is if you do four shows, you feel comfortable enough

that you're not under the gun. And I always go back to this, and I go back to this as a giant Bill Hicks fan, and I think the reason why is if you do four shows, you feel comfortable enough that you're not under the gun. And I always go back to this, and I go back to this as a giant Bill Hicks fan. But I remember Bill Hicks, Relentless. I'm pretty sure they only filmed one show in London at a giant theater. And I felt like he was tight. He was sweating, right? Well, it's not sweating doesn't bother me. It does me, and I sweat on my first special.

Like sometimes the AC's all fucked up or whatever. I don't think it's a nerves thing. I think he was. No, no mean he was tight yeah he was tight it didn't seem like loose bill hicks like there's a is a you can say a thing and be slightly uncomfortable and the audience knows you're slightly uncomfortable or you can say the exact same thing and be loose as a goose and the audience gets it and they're with you and it's with with no hesitation because It's a dance like the and sometimes you step on people's toes and the the set goes weird and your best Chance for that not happening my opinion after doing a bunch of specials is four shows Because when you do for shows

You know you got it in the bag Yeah, like triggered I used most of like one show Because it was like I like that one the most and it was like one bit need to do for triggered I did for I did for for I started doing for in 2016 because I did two in 2014 and one of them was Lady Heckle. Rocky Mountain High? Yeah. It was a great, it was a fun time. The audience was awesome. It wasn't even

her fault. It was like someone who was telling the crowd, like they said something they were just trying to prep everybody before the show and they said something that they might not it might not have been a good idea. They said like, try not to been a good idea. They said like, try not to yell out too much.

Oh. And I'm like, oh, don't say too much. Like you say, please don't yell anything out because this is a filming. This is all you say. Yeah. And he made it almost like a challenge.

And like if you're a person, you've had a couple cocktails, you think I'm going to contribute to the show. Maybe you've never even been to a comedy show. But she heckled to this part of the bit where it makes sense what I'm saying if you just let me keep saying it. Like, don't get mad now. In a few seconds, you'll understand where I'm going. It's a setup for a bit.

I'm like, fuck, now I only have one show. And the second show, I was like, I have to have that bit because it was like a cornerstone of my set. I was like, I've got to get that bit out. Luckily, nobody heckled me in the second show. Rocky was like, I have to have that bit because it was like a cornerstone of my set. I was like, I've got to get that bit out. Luckily, nobody heckled me in the second show. Rocky Mountain High was a great special. I was on Comedy Central. I watched it on my iPad on my couch, and you had a bit about religion, correct?

I'm sure I did. You had a bit about religion, but what's interesting about your bit about religion, and I see Bill Maher's name's written right here. I don't know who you had last year. But what's interesting about it is you had a take on it, but it wasn't super disrespectful. And I liked that. I thought it was really one of those things in comedy.

There's a few points in comedy as a comic that you watch other comics and you get inspired by the way they're working. And you as a guy that has always had an angle, a take. You talked about religion, but the way you did it was really, I really was inspired by that Rocky Mountain High. I remember where I was when I was watching it. I guarantee you I was just talking shit to be funny. Yeah. I don't know what I said. I probably don't even believe what I said.

No, but it was like- I don't remember the bit. I don't remember the bit either, but there's a few bits that you go as a comic. I was just talking.