The Joe Rogan Experience - #1728 - Ari Shaffir, Shane Gillis & Mark Normand

Episode Date: November 3, 2021

Shane Gillis, Mark Normand, and Ari Shaffir are standup comedians, writers, and podcasters. Shane is the co-host of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast" with Matt McCusker. His special "Shane Gillis: Live in Austin," is available via YouTube. Mark is the co-host of "Tuesdays with Stories" along with Joe List. His latest special, "Mark Normand: Out to Lunch," is available via YouTube. Ari is the host of "The Skeptic Tank." His most recent special, "Ari Shaffir: Double Negative," is available via Netflix.

the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day this is basically a super show ladies and gentlemen shane gillis hey super spreader of love ari shafir and mark norman with a mask on hey he's got a shtick going just want to be safe we just saw your antibodies. We all have antibodies except Ari. I have other things, guys. I'm on a different level. You have the most bitch-ass

antibody line from that vaccine. Auschwitz. And you had it in June? So July, August, September, October, November. Five months, it's useless. July, August, September,

October, November. Five months. Useless. Does nothing. The weaker people. And yet I've never gotten it. I've survived everything. Overdoses November. Five months. Useless. Does nothing. The weaker people. And yet I've never gotten it. I've survived everything. Overdoses.

It's amazing. It's amazing. Yeah. Amazing. Resilience. Maybe it's all the drugs. Maybe it's the drugs. Kills everything else.

Kills brain cells. Can't kill those cells. Right. That's good. I like how you're thinking. Prove me wrong. Fauci hasn't weighed in on that. Well, there was a lot of talk about people that smoke cigarettes.

They were saying that people that smoke cigarettes are less likely to catch it. And they were trying to figure out why. And someone made this theory, said, well, you've got to think about what cigarettes are. It's hot smoke. You're taking in hot smoke in your lungs in the very area where coronavirus replicates. Replicates in your throat. Interesting. And in your nostrils.

So these people, I mean, it's a dumb idea. It's not like smoking cigarettes will kill. Maybe that works. We're saying it for a little bit, right? You'd have to smoke a lot. You'd have to do it like Wiz Khalifa style. Being inactive and drinking has helped me. Yeah.

You get into less bad situations. Yeah. I just haven't gotten. Well, I got it. Well, you got it. You guys both got it. I'm fighting it off. Yeah.

All three of you got it. I was recently exposed. Yeah, you were. Shane just went through it. Sorry about that. Well, I got it. Well, you got it. You guys both got it. I'm fighting it off. Yeah. All three of you got it. I was recently exposed. Yeah, you were. Shane just went through it. Sorry about that. You have the other line. You have the lower line that's a recent exposure line. Mike Norman, you've got some fat ass antibodies.

How do you feel about that? I don't think they're that fat. Mine were fat as hell. His were thin. I was going to get to that. Oh, God. Mine was... You got...

You got a hell of a piece. He was chirping a little. Joe was chirping until he saw my lines. Yours is exactly the same as mine. Yeah, I know. Calm down a little. Well, congratulations on being like me. When you've been canceled, your line gets thicker.

Better or worse. Yeah, the more you get canceled, the more your line. It builds up your social immunity as well. I've been through one in like a year and a half, so mine are all weakened. Time for another death tweet. Get Chappelle in here. It'll be this thick. Yeah, right now.

But meanwhile, when the guy goes on stage, I filmed him going on stage when we did New Orleans or Nashville? I think New Orleans. Yeah. It's the fucking craziest sound you've ever heard in your life. Really? Oh, my God. They're so happy he's there. How was New Orleans though?

Because they can be notoriously shitty audiences. They were great. It was wild. It was wild. No, it was wild. The same thing with Louis. When he went up to the cellar, it was always like explosions.

Yeah. People are happy. People are happy. It's a small percentage of very loud people that are canceling him and all of them didn't see the special. That's why there's no quotes. Right.

If you notice the thing about Chappelle, all the hate. One word quotes. He finds them, quote unquote, funny. Someone said, I had a guy on the other day, Rob Kearney, who goes by the name World Strongest Gay on Instagram. He's a power lifter who happens to be a gay guy. And that was the thing that bothered him. He said that he finds them, that Chappelle saying he finds him funny.

He thought it was, you know. At some point, aren't we all just supposed to be like, whatever this is is a misquote. Anything you're exposed to is probably a misquote. Like everyone. If you're not hearing it in context, I mean, in the same special, Chappelle literally talks about being molested

and jerking off in a man's face. That's funny. And he beat up a lesbian in the special. No one cares about that. Exactly. About who's tenderizing her titties. Yes. Hitting her with lefts and rights.

And like, it's absurd to the extreme. And yet they focus on one thing he says as if it's a statement. Yeah. You know, as if he's giving an affidavit. People are done with it. And then they all walk out. But there was like real strikes at John Deere and Kellogg that nobody cared about. What was the real strikes?

Yeah, they were all getting horrible work conditions, so they all striked. Well, what about the sanitation workers in New York City? That's what's crazy. Is that happening? They could bring the state to their knees. Those are the most important people in the city. They get paid the least. Yeah.

Well, NYPD, there's quite a few. And fire department, too. They're shutting down a bunch of firehouses because they don't want to get vaccinated. It's crazy, man. Sanitation is striking over that? Yeah. Vaccination mandates. They have the utmost power.

Yes. Because also, you've got a train to come in. Anybody can be a teacher. I lived in New York when it went really bad in the 90s. In the 90s, there was a sanitation strike that lasted a long time, and there was fucking six-foot piles of garbage. Wow. Is that every night?

Yeah. It feels like that. Damn. It's like it moves. You ever see them move? Oh, the rats. The rats. And the hobos.

The rats are insane. They're insane. The rats are just running around. You ever seen that documentary on Netflix, Rats? Yeah. I can't watch that shit. When you find out how many rats are actually in New York City, you're like, oh my god, the same biomass as

people, if not more. Yeah, imagine. You ever jumped out on the tracks before, on the subway? I used to skateboard. My board rolled down there, and I was like 21, so I was a young cum guzzler, and I just jumped down there to grab it, and it was just rats everywhere scurrying.

And then everybody's like, what are you, crazy? And I jumped out, and it's deceivingly tall, that ledge. So it comes up to here, which is hard to get up. I had to get up, and then I made it, but I was covered in shit. Here's the other thing. Grabbing something and holding onto a wall with your hands and pulling yourself up and then getting your upper body. It takes a lot of strength. I can't get out of a pool.

Exactly. And that's so hard. I got to do this thing where I lay and roll up. Oh, yeah, the old roll out. There's steps on the other side. I'll go for another lap. You ever see that thing that people do on a bar called a muscle up where you start from a hanging sit up and then you push all the way up. Fucking very hard to do.

You see that guy fall off the building who tried to do it but he couldn't there's nothing to grab onto. No. In Tokyo or wherever. No.

Wait. Yeah. He tried to do pull ups you know the parkour pull ups and then he was like couldn't do the last one and he was like oh shit and you see him go

what am I going to do and then he just like the guy's filming from across the way and then he's just like nope and then falls. Yeah. It was those dudes that were taking pictures like filming themselves like Russian kids am I going to do? And then he just like, the guy's filming from across the way. And then he's just like, nope. And then falls. Yeah, it was those dudes that were taking pictures, like filming themselves, like Russian

kids. I think his was on like a crane. He went to like the edge of a crane. His arms just gave out to me. Oh, Ari's going to show it to us. He hung there for like a minute. Here, let me put that on for you. Jamie's going to show it to us.

That's a big TV. It's a big TV. Oh, God. I got you. That's not the one. That's not the one I saw. Fucking Russians, man. They're crazy. Oh, my God. My hands are sweating just watching this. No, it's a big TV. That's not the one I saw. Fucking Russians, man. They're crazy. My hands are sweating just watching this.

It's Asian. This might be a Mexican on the wall. Man who scales Chinese. Oh, look at him. He's on top of the building chilling. This is rough. Jesus Christ. He's a baller. Right here. Right here. He's like I can do anything. What? Are they going to show the drop? Yeah.

Not all the way down. Anyone else hard? Where does he know he's not going to be able to get back up? So he's hanging? He's fine right there. Oh, my God. Don't push it. Don't push it.

Why'd you push it? He's doing two chin-ups. That's it. That should be enough. That should be enough. And then the third one. Oh, my God. He realizes he can't make it.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, no. It's done. He's got to make one jump. It's like that free fall movie with the guy, the rock climber. Oh, shit. Oh, he's fucked. He's fucked.

This is the end. He should say... What do you do there? You die. You say a prayer. Oh my god, that is so far. Oh, Jesus. Luis.

What a way to start. My hands are so sweaty. You know James Kingston? Do you know who he is? He's a guy who's been on the podcast a few years back, and he does a lot of those videos with GoPros. And he put one up on his Instagram page today of him walking on the top of the Eiffel Tower. And you're watching him do it.

It's just like, oh. Eiffel? Eiffel. I said Eiffel, right? Yeah. I fucked it up. But he's walking on the top of this tower on these beams like just, you know, four

inches wide. And he's balancing himself. Look at this. Wow. This is where a black guy goes. This is white people shit. 100% white people shit. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, man. This just drives me nuts.

Beautiful city. You ever see the guy try to test out a flight suit on the Eiffel Tower? No. Back in the day, there was a guy trying to fly. Did it not work? No, it's great. He just dies in front of everyone. Oh.

He's like, everyone, I invented flight. Bro, the worst one I ever saw. Just try to save it. Just straight down. The worst one I ever saw was these people on a bridge, and this guy in a flight suit was timing it where he was going to fly through the bridge, and he missed it. And he slams right into the side of the bridge with this loud clang. There he is.

This is him? What is this guy? He's like, watch this. What is this? Late 80s? 1912. Look at that thing. It's like a blanket.

That guy was suicidal. He just wanted everybody to watch. He got a permit for this. Oh, what kind of permits did they have? Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. Oh. That was the wrong brother.

Go back to what it says. Look at this. The parachute failed to deploy, and he plummeted 187 feet to his death. His right leg and arm were crushed. His skull and spine broken, and he was seen bleeding from his mouth, nose, and ears. He didn't even a little bit get it. No. No glide at all.

Rewind a little. I think they dragged him away. I don't think there was any like, don't move him. That's how they did it back then. Yeah. They just didn't want to leave a puddle. It didn't work. Oh my god. They're dragging him away. Neck, broken legs. They're holding onto his broken leg. Look at the indentation he made in the ground. Look, they're measuring it. He was still less injured than

Tom Segura. This was entertainment back then. This was pre-internet. Like, hey, here are guys jumping off the thing. Yeah, let's go. Wow. Wow. I don't understand that stuff. I don't even understand parachute people. Like, why do you want to do that? You've never skydived?

No. I've never done it either.? You've never skydived? No. I've never done it either. You say it like I should have done it. You feel like you have. I thought you did a podcast in the air. I see you guys skydiving. I would, but I don't want to. I would have, but my dad did it in the army when Arabs were shooting at him. So it feels like a pussy move to be like, I did it for fun with the dude strats in my asshole.

That's hilarious. It looks awesome. And everybody says after you do it, it's like the most refreshing, best moment of your life. But I got no desire. I think that first part of just having a guy strapped to me. That ruins it. I bet you get used to being up there after like two seconds. Sure.

How many times do you have to do it before you can do it on your own? Five? Just go to a cheaper place. You can do it once and no one's looking. Just go to South America. It's like some of those dive sites. Like, is this paddy? Like, it's whatever you want it to be.

25 jumps. Oh, man. I was way off. That's a lot, though. That's a lot. And that ain't cheap, either. Yeah. And you got to take a class.

So, fuck that. Redband's dad worked in this office building with this person. I think it was a lady that was really into skydiving and was always trying to get him to go skydiving. And one day he shows up Monday morning and the person's not there. I think it was a lady. And he's like, where is she? And you're like, didn't make it. Whoa.

Skydived. Parachute didn't deploy. Bounced off the ground like a fucking frisbee. I feel like your business is done then. Well, that job, you need to find a new person for. Yeah. You cash in for a week or two while people sell their reservations.

But that's a bad trip advisor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's over. That Yelp review. I heard about a guy who survived. His parachute didn't deploy and he fell through a barn and he lived. Whoa.

He fell through a barn, through the roof of a barn, and into stacks of hay and actually survived. You've got to believe in God after that. You better. Imagine going through all that, but I can't believe it. Second lease on life and then you go home and your wife is still a cunt. Or you come home and she's fucking some guy because she thought you were dead. Like, you didn't even wait until tomorrow? You're just in there trying to fuck a horse and a guy flies through the ceiling?

Right. That's a sign to keep going? You ever seen the bridge? The bridge documentary where the guys jump off the bridge? It's called The Bridge. Oh, yeah. San Francisco. A friend of mine just did that.

He died? Yeah. He just committed suicide there. Donnell Rawlings? Guy I've known for... No, Don. San Francisco. A friend of mine just did that. He died? Yeah. He just committed suicide there. Donnell Rollins? Guy I've known for... No, Donnell's alive. Guy I've known for more than 20 years. Yeah.

Damn. And that's the bridge he picked? Yeah, that's the one. Parachute plummets through roof into kitchen of California house. Man survived the fall after a chute failed to open. Wow. Wow. In the kitchen.

Interesting. That one in New York with the guy falling off onto the car. Oh, that was crazy. Yeah, nine stories. All he had was like a busted arm. You see that? Yeah, he had a Tom Segura arm. Yeah. Everyone's like, stop moving, but he's so shook. Did someone

throw him out of the window? I don't know. I think they think someone threw him out of the window. There was an investigation. He looked like the kind of guy that someone would... 39 stories. What? Is this another one? Yeah, that's 10 years ago. This is 2010.

Oh, wow. 39 stories landed on a car and survived. He came down feet first at like 100 miles an hour. Feet first. Andrew Petrucelli, a maintenance worker. I saw saw this fucking guy he told the New York Daily News it's a miracle if I've ever seen one he should be a Ghana it was like that movie Unbreakable that movie Unbreakable the guy broke all the time I'm breakable I did not watch that movie it's good he had that reference Andy isn't that movie the but

about like no he got that one right you're thinking samuel jackson oh that's right yeah unbreakable is the guy who survived the train i bet that i bet somebody gave him that line like he was talking about before the press got there and somebody's like it's like unbreakable and they just co-opted it oh and then glass was like the secret yeah yeah yeah okay that's what confused me yeah right they were like bruce willis was unbreakable and then sam then Samuel Jackson broke all the time. Yeah. Which is the dumbest idea for fucking two.

When people try to make superheroes like pretty close to normal. Yeah. Almost normal. Give them real emotions. Yeah. I'm not into that.

That's why James Bond got weird. He was too... Survivable? He fell in love. Well that too but yeah he got too emotional. He was just fucking.

Wait a minute. When did he fall in love? Nate Craig or whatever. Daniel Craig. Daniel Craig did he fall in love? Nate Craig or whatever. Daniel Craig. Daniel Craig. He fell in love? I didn't fall in love with him. Constantly.

Oh, really? Yeah, James Bond falls in love like a bitch. That's weird. He's my favorite James Bond. What? He's the most believable. All his other ones look like bitches. Connery?

Connery. Connery in the beginning. I can't imagine him winning a fight, though, as he got older and with the toupee on. He is older. Pull up when Conor got into a bar fight in Scotland in like the 30s. Poor Conor's saying he should slap women. He was like a real

barman. They won't let it go. And they need to slap. You gotta raise it a little bit. That's fine. Sometimes. You've shuttled it. This is a movie. This is a movie. It's not real.

Hold on. JMO, I'm talking about a real fisticuffs in a bar. Is that on camera somewhere? I don't know about that, but there's a clipping. There's an article about it? Oh, yeah. I got something coming up on it. There we go.

A lot of those old Irish and Scottish actors, those guys would get in fights all the time. VB and Stabings. Well, he said he was in his 20s when this happened, so there's no video of it. All right, all right. It says he beat up four guys in a wild night out. Who? One of those guys is Sean Connery.

Fucking Scottish people with their tall tales. Then he beat up the Loch Ness. Yeah, what do these guys look like? Yeah, that's true. It's back in the day. It's a weird character. It's a character you can't really keep going over and over and over and over again, the James Bond character. Now they're going to do it with a new person.

I just saw it. For sure they're going to do it with a chick. Chick over black guy? Or black. Trans chick. Should be a black trans chick. In the newest James Bond. There was a little hint at it.

Hey, don't say anything. I haven't seen it yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go to the movies? No, they had their chance. I was a little hint at it. Hey, don't say anything. I haven't seen it yet. You go to the movies? They had their chance. I do like going to the movies. You actually go to the movies still? Oh, yeah. It's great.

I thought it was over. I've seen three movies this month. I thought nobody did it anymore. No, it's amazing. Movie pass? I thought it was over. I just love going to the movies. I like going to the movies, too.

I like soup in the dark and the cold. Yeah. You know, it's good on the road. When you're on the road, a movie on a Saturday. It's something to do. I saw The Last Duel. The who? Check that out. The Last Duel. I don't know it. What is it? It's a new the road. When you're on the road. A movie on a Saturday. It's something to do. I saw The Last Duel. The who? Check that out.

The Last Duel. I don't know it. What is it? It's a new Ridley Scott movie. Oh, Ridley Scott. Yeah, he's the best. Nobody watched one. It's about Adam Driver gets accused of rape.

And back in France, they used to just be like, all right, if you... The way they would do trial is trial by combat. So Matt Damon does trial by combat with Adam Driver to see if he's guilty of rape. Whoa, what year is this? 13. Wow. That's what they would do? It was the last time they did it.

So if you were really good at combat, you'd just rape crazy and just always say you didn't do it, and then fuck everybody up. Yeah, and then that means it's like ball don't lie. Oh, and look how they're doing. They're wearing all this armor. When is this from? Ben Affleck. When is this supposed to be set?

1300. That's Ben Affleck with the hair? Wow. With the mullet, dude. Look at his cheekbones. Oh. And so he was raped? Ben Affleck got raped.

The horse got raped. Oh, oh, oh. Look, the horse has armor and everything. So this is a good movie? Yeah, I liked it a lot. It looks like a big production. We gotta get- That's what you gotta get for a movie now.

You gotta make it an experience. And they're doing it. Movies are coming back, man. They're coming back. We got a big production. We got to get. That's what you got to get for a movie now. You got to make it an experience. And they're doing it. Movies are coming back, man. They're coming back. We got Paul Thomas Anderson's got a new one. Wes Anderson's got a new one. I think the superheroes are done. Fast 9 was fun as shit.

Superheroes are done. I hope. They got a new Blade coming out. With Wesley? No, Wesley's out. They got a new guy. He didn't pay those taxes. There's a new Matrix.

What? New Matrix, yeah. Keanu? Yes. Wow. What is it for? 20 years later? Yeah. Okay. This is a new era. I? New Matrix, yeah. Keanu? Yes. Wow. What is it for? 20 years later? Yeah. Okay. This is a new era. I'll watch that.

Every movie's the same movie. I've been going to movies. Every trailer is like, hey, new Ghostbusters, new Matrix. They repeat. Did you guys see the Mark Zuckerberg meta demonstration? No. You watch that and you go, hey, motherfucker, what are you trying to do?

Are you trying to make the Matrix for real? Yeah, he is. He is. Yeah. It seems like he's being sneaky about it. It's already going to happen. Yeah. That's Facebook's version of it.

He just wants it to be under his banner. Not all of it. It's crazy that they're changing the name of Facebook to meta, and they're going to call it the metaverse. Yeah. I thought that was also so you can sue me, but our parent company's over there now. So you can sue me. We only have $100 in our holding.

So Meta's got all the money. So you're suing Facebook for fucking evil shit of turning brother against brother, but Facebook only has $100 in assets, so Meta's got all the assets. You can't sue them. That's what it felt like to me. You do have a real Jewish way of thinking. It's lawyer style. Helps us survive in times

when we have no antibodies. What choice do we have? The whole algorithm thing, it's very strange because I bring you up all the time, Ari, that you did that thing where you went and looked for puppies on YouTube and then all YouTube would show you is puppies. No one understands about that. It's not just that it would do that. It's that it affects your mood

for the better. You get to be the person who watches puppies all day. And you're just a happier person during that time. Right. Than watching videos about how everyone's upset at each other. And you also get upset. But do puppies keep you happy? I feel like you see a puppy randomly, it's nice. But if you see a puppy every day, you're immune to the happiness.

It's all fun. Great times. Nah, not really. You obviously don't have a puppy. No. I got a cat. Yeah, see, cats are fine, but puppies are way better. When you come home, oh, you used to have a bit about that.

Yeah. Jamie, play that bit in its entirety seven minutes. Yeah, start. Jamie, play the Fauci puppy videos. Oh, how dark is that? He's like cutting Beagle's throats out. Oh, come on. No, I never heard about this.

Oh, no. You made that up. I don't want to see that. What is that, a family guy bit? No, no, no. Just listen. There is videos of it, but what you need to know is what they were doing was worse than what he's saying.

They cut their throats so that they couldn't bark. So they did experiments on these beagle puppies, and they put their heads in cages and filled the cages with sand flies, where the sand flies were literally eating the beagles alive. Come on. Anyone else hard? This was all sponsored by the NIH. Like, the NIH spent money on this. Wow.

You can just train them and not bark. You got just the silver in there. No, the idea is to see what happens when the sand flies eat them alive. They just didn't want to hear them barking and complaining. Whoa. when the sand flies eat them alive. They just didn't want to hear them barking and complaining. Whoa.

The pictures of the beagle puppies with their heads locked into these cages is fucking so disturbing that it's like some serial killer shit. Pull it up. You can't believe that government- Why would you get beagles? They scream the most. Well, they're cute. That's why you do it. That's why they cut their throat out.

I wonder why they did do beagles. Jesus. It's a quiet dog. Why didn't they do a shitty dog? I think they used beagles for research. You can't get chihuahuas where everybody would be rooting for it. I think beagles are chihuahuas. And they yap.

They yap. Not all of them. They yap and they attack. Oh, my ex had a chihuahua. Didn't like you. Maybe it was you. I hated me. I wonder why.

Although, you know what's weird? When I went to bed, it would sleep in my butthole for the warmth. I would cry. Inside? Well, not inside. Who am I? Richard Gere? Right there? But yeah, it would just getthole for the warmth. Inside? Well, not inside. What am I, Richard Gere? Right there. But yeah, it would just get right up to the warmth.

That Richard Gere one is the greatest rumor of all time. It is. Pre-internet. Exactly. Do you know where that came from? No. Here's the rumor. I don't know if it's true.

The rumor was that he left Scientology. Is that what you heard? That's what I believe. Because Scientology makes you tell all the secrets. And then they're like,'t worry we're clear of these And then when he did that Buddhist movie Became Buddhist They're like no no you can't do that

He's like I am They're like then we're gonna release Interesting That's right What I had heard was that It was just to make him look like shit Because he left Scientology I didn't hear that it was actually a real thing

That he stuck a gerbil up his ass I heard it was real. Gerbil. We all heard the real thing. She also did gerbils? Yep. Like a fifth grader level of a rumor. What's crazy though is how long this is.

They sent me an empty gerbil. And it hurt his acting career too. That's so strange. Yeah, it did. I mean, he was huge. That one's been there. The other one. He was a leading man.

Can you grab me that one? Pretty Woman, Officer in a Gem. He was a hunk, dude. Yeah. He was a hunk. Mothman Prophecies. He was the number one guy. That was a good movie. Mothman was a good movie. I liked it. But that wasn't where he was at his height. You're the man. Can you grab me that one? Pretty woman, officer in a jet. He was a hunk, dude. Yeah. He was a hunk. Mothman Prophecies, that was a good movie. Mothman was a good movie.

I liked it. But that wasn't where he set his height. You're the one. Thank you. Mothman Prophecies isn't good? No. What are you kidding? He's been in some amazing movies.

I mean, Richard Gere's been in some fucking amazing movies. I got nowhere else to go. I got nowhere else to go. How bad would Richard Gere feel if you're like, I loved his acting and you brought up Mothman Prophecies as number one? I liked it. He would hate it. Hey, he did it he did do it it's like if you love robert dear and you love that movie with michelle pfeiffer we dressed like a wizard you ever see that one no in the

height of his wife spending money apparently he was just doing whatever fucking movie he could and uh that's what he said apparently yeah i think he was open about yeah he was pretty open about it and uh he did this fucking terrible movie with mich Pfeiffer, supposed to be one of the worst movies ever made. And he plays a wizard. Yeah, there was a sad stretch there. Before Scorsese came back and got him. He really just let it go. Yeah. Well, when you got a

monthly nut, like a million bucks a month. Anybody want a cigar? That's what happened to Nick Cage, too. Thank you. I'll do it. I'll smoke a cigar. I'll do it for the bit. Gambling debts got Cage. That's why he did I'll do it. They're my own cigars. I'll do it for the bit. Gambling debts got Cage. That's why I did Ghost Rider 6. Really? Yeah. Ghost Rider. This was, you were supposed to send me a box of these. I got a box for you. Okay, cool.

Thank you. These smell terrible. These are good. How dare you? I'm joking. What are you, a fucking comedian? So you guys are, what's the gig you guys are all doing together? Fucking hell of a game. That's gonna come out. It's coming right away. Does it's coming out tomorrow. Oh

This is a good gig tomorrow. Yeah, I guess tomorrow norm is a secret guest. Oh Yeah, we kind of thought we were gonna get a lot more like when you and me planned this show Yeah, we're like we'll get we'll get rogue you we'll get all the guys we decided to do a spite show right ahead of it so we called the secret group I'm like hey we want to do a show just us but day before and he goes let me make sure it's lewis oh you wanted a tank yeah yeah yeah you know stan help used to do that for just for laughs just for spite yeah exactly that yeah exactly that but that was another one we thought we'd get he had a legitimate financial grievance with them we have no grievance with lewis it's just fun just fuck with him yeah you better do it now before he gets brain damage lewis yeah

no he's gonna win that fight dude you're out. Lewis? Yeah. Nah, he's gonna win that fight, dude. You're out of your mind. Interesting. Yeah. I think he's gonna win. He's way younger. He's bigger. Yeah. He hasn't been punched nearly as much as fucking Ellis. You guys have a very strange way of looking at fighting. I, yes. Agreed. Same. Ability and experience

don't matter. It does, but to what degree? To what point? Almost everything. So a young 22-year-old boxer couldn't beat a right now Muhammad Ali? Muhammad Ali's dead. No! Why? COVID got him.

Did you know that Logan Paul's going to fight Mike Tyson? Shut up. Do they have a no-knockout rule again? No, that was just for Roy Jones Jr. Please let this be the one. It should be Logan and the brother fight him together. That would be a fun fight. Mike versus the Paul brothers. That's a good one. Well, he's got to do one at a time.

He's 54. Thank you. But it's a real fight. Let me do it for you. What am I doing here? Figure it out. No way. Useless. There you go. No, you've got to cut the edge first. Did you cut the edge? Did you cut the edge? Sure, you've got to help it out. All right. No way useless. Yeah. No, you got it. You got to cut the edge first You cut the edge cut the edge. Give me that sure you gotta help them out

I've never used this device. You look like a fucking idiot On the experience dude, you look like a fucking idiot. It's a podcast known for cigar smoking brah I would be choked on this thing in 20 seconds. Good labia there It's a podcast known for cigar smoking brah Bobby Kelly don't speaking of cigars. Oh great. Oh fat still fat You go, dude. He's a funny guy. Oh, he's the best. Bobby?

Bobby's a great egg. He's coming to Skank Fest. Oh, is he? Yeah. Hey, this one's good, too. I got to cut it. There it is. Yeah, there's a cutter in the back of that one as well.

That's a cool little device you got there. It really is. It's nice, right? It's nice. Yeah, it really is. So, everybody's going to Skank Fest South, and that's in houston is that where it is yes it's the best dude it's this fucking have you ever done one no i have not uh i did one of their shows in um hollywood though when they did the comedy store i did one of their shows live legion of

skanks yes yeah it wasn't skank fest but it was legion skank show it was a lot of fun a lot of fun crowds you know crowds that just come to have a good time. And it's just, that kind of comedy is hard to come by these days. It's like, everybody's so goddamn fucking serious. I think it's coming back. It's coming back. Well, there's definitely some of it coming back. Because people are tired. Yeah.

They're tired of being lectured on, you know, when people are doing comedy and they're lecturing you at the same time, you're like, Jesus Christ. Yeah. They're lecturing you and they're saying, everything sucks but me. That's a big theme of comedy now. It kind of is, right? Yeah. Everything sucks.

The world sucks. But I'm great. No, it should be you suck too. That's comedy. Right. Self-deprecation. Well, Shane says it the best. He's like, you get all these comics, four comics in a row going, injustice is terrible.

And then you just get up there and go, injustice rules. Yeah, you get to go on and be like, you know what I like? Injustice. Well, tell me why racism... This guy's the best one. Yeah, and everyone's like, finally! It's weird seeing someone

so obviously virtue signaling on stage and then to see it work. Because comedy is... It's either absurd, ridiculous, over-the-top silly, or it's honest. So when you're seeing that, it's neither of those things. It's not absurd.

It's not honest. It's just this weird thing that you're doing. You're saying things that people are compelled to clap at. Is it give it up for the troops? Just the now version of it? Yes, it's a version of give it up for the troops. Who here smoked weed? How about the troops?

How about a round of applause for the ladies? Y'all, some fine looking ladies up in here. Every group has it. But then you flip it on with the troops and say Al-Qaeda. Just to throw them a wrench. You gotta throw wrenches in. The day after we lost Afghanistan, Tim Dillon was on stage at Vulcan in Austin giving it up for the Taliban.

There you go. And talking about how amazing it is that they put in all that work after all these years. And they lasted. Yeah, 20 years of hard work. It was impressive. That's comedy.

Yeah, it was comedy. To outlast the American armed forces. Pretty good. Solid. Yeah, it's fun. Cynically, I think it's almost like it's planned. And they got all our equipment. What?

So it's a win-win. I think they got done selling weapons and pulled it out. Maybe. Maybe they wait a while and then it gets really bad over there and then there's some real reason to go back in a larger force. Or they let China come in and then they're like, hey, here's an excuse to fight China. You know what? One thing that was real open to me, I'm not political, but Trump early on was like, we're pulling out of Afghanistan. You know what would Trump one thing was real open to me I'm not political but like uh

Trump early on was like we're pulling out of Afghanistan. You loved Trump. I do love Trump. Rub him? Yeah, but I was like Did I say rub? Yeah, everyone got upset. Is this Asian? Oh shit. Jamie, edit that in with like a loop over and over again. You love China. Don't do it dude. Did I say it? Don't do it. You lost SNL. I said it how you said it. Right? There goes mad TV. You can't do it, dude. Did I say it? Don't do it. You lost SNL. I said it how you said it. Right?

There goes Mad TV. You can't do it. There goes Mad TV. You're never going to be on. You're never going to be on, Joe. Dude, I was at Mad TV and Michael Che is giving me a tour. Quit bragging. And he goes.

And I'm like, is that the back thing going to come out of it? And he goes, well, just so you know, there's superstition that if you come out before you're actually on, you'll never host SNL. And I was like, well, then I'm just going to do it now. Was that an option? What are you talking about? It's hilarious that anybody would want to do that anymore. It seems like so much work.

Well, Bill Burr seemed to like it. Yeah, Burr liked it. Well, his monologue was amazing. His monologue was great. But Burr's one of those guys that he wants, he wants to do, like, iconic venues. Radio City. You know, he's got, like, nostalgia to him. Like, he did that theater in England because he saw Zeppelin there or whatever the hell.

Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Burr loves that kind of shit. Yeah. He says he goes to stadiums when he's on the road alone just to see it. Does he really? Yeah, he's a big nerd. He's an interesting guy.

He's a sports nerd. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, he's a big nerd. He's an interesting guy. He's a sports nerd. Oh, yeah. Oh, he's a giant sports nerd. Sometimes I'll listen to his podcast. He'll just rant and rave about certain plays and games and then just lose his mind. You don't even know what you're talking about. Same. I don't even know the rules.

I'm a professional sports broadcaster. I don't know the rules to most sports. I can't believe you don't like football that much. Well, believe it. It's not Santa Claus, bro. You should. It's too many players. Like, I like UFC because it's one guy.

You get to know one guy. You feel like you're rooting for a dude. Yeah. Or a lady. But football is just like a uniform. To me, it's like getting jerked off through a glory hole with a condom on after you've had actual sex. Yeah, compared to like fighting.

It's boring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's boring. Oh, okay. It's boring. Oh, okay. It's like it's missing something. What was that place called in San Francisco? Bangkok Spa. Jerk off with a dish glove on.

Oh, there was that place. What is that called? Something Brothers, right? Yeah, the Farrelly Brothers. Farrelly Brothers. You know, there's a famous sign. There's a famous sign from that place that Hunter S. Thompson stole that is available. I got to contact this guy.

We went there once, like 20 years ago, and there was these people on stage doing a sex act. These girls were like dildoing each other. We were like, what the fuckildoing each other yeah on state and we're like what the fuck is this there's different rooms there's a way to go to watch dirty movies and jerk off this is Sam Fran Sam Fran wow that cities changed and we had our friend there it is fairly fairly fairly the Oh Farrell theater I didn't say Farrelly brothers well kovat got him you can't watch sex acts when everybody's coughing.

I always wanted to whack off in a theater. It'd be nice, right? Fred Willard. Do you think if Pee Wee Herman got busted doing that today, it'd probably be nothing? Hero. He'd be a hero. Hero, right? Why hero?

Because he's a gay guy in a theater. Leaning into gayness. Oh, yeah. Gay culture. Isn't it amazing how much the world shifted in just a decade or two? Crazy. I don't like it. You don't like it decade or two? Crazy. I don't like it. You don't like it?

I'll be honest. I don't like it much. All this progress. Meh. Is it progress? It's not all progress. There is progress. There's a lot of progress.

Ellen got yelled at for being gay and couldn't bring Anne Heche to a movie premiere. Right. And now- She got yelled at for being mean. Got yelled at for being mean. Which is also. Progress. Yeah, well, I think she got yelled at for not being what she really pretends to be on the show.

That's what it is. That's a freak. You can't fake it out. It's just a little different. Yeah. They wanted to think she was like this real happy, friendly person who's always like lighthearted and dances and stuff. To find out that she's mean would just freak people out. They're like, what is going on? Cosby, same shit. America's dead.

But way worse, right? Now, being mean and what Cosby did are the same? What are you saying? It goes against his personality. I rape and it's fine. People expect it. How many years do you think we are away from people reading minds

with some kind of technology? Oh, God. You don't want that. You don't want it, but I feel like it's coming. It's going to be bad news. This whole metaverse thing. Yeah. It's going to be embarrassing when you find out how fucking dumb I am.

He's thinking about Notre Dame. Let's rechange minds. It's like, who do we got this week? Virginia? Doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop. Are you a gambler? Go deeper. Are you a gambler? I deeper. Are you a gambler?

I'm getting into it. I like it. Yeah? You like it? Got that money to give away now. Oh, it's a dangerous fucking thing. How much of your weekly wages are you blowing? Nothing.

Well, I use FanDuel, so I can only bet in Pennsylvania. So I can only bet when I'm home, which is nice. Oh, okay. You can't bet. Yeah, I have to do it over the phone. Back when I'm home. The phone. Yeah. I can't do it in New York. I've never won a bet, so You can't bet. Yeah, I have to do it over the phone. Back when I'm him. The phone. Yeah.

I can't do it in New York. I've never won a bet, so I don't gamble. What? It's fun when you win, dude. I've never won. What about when we went to Vegas? We bet on the whole basketball tournament. I lost all of it.

Oh, really? Yeah, I had to change rooms. Damn. Did you really? Yeah, I had to go down to Circus Circus. You had cheaper rooms? Yeah, I can't bet. How much did you lose?

You know, a couple hundo, but at the time. Norman's cheap. That hurts him more than thousands would hurt you. Wow. I mean. Yeah, you guys were already fucking tossing money for Ubers. Is that how we're doing this? Huh?

Oh, he bought an Uber, so I wanted to give him the money. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no. I said it was fine. Oh, Ari's taking care of things? Look at you. No, I'm trying to pay for it. That's paying for everything. Oh, Ari's the promot of things? Look at you. No, we have a show that's paying for everything. Oh, Ari's the promoter.

He's the alpha. He's the promoter of the show. He's taking care of the Uber. Me and Shane, the inaugural show with the president and vice president of the Legion of Skanks. Who's the drop-in? Hey, what is this shirt you got on? Explain what's going on. You got Save East River Park.

What is happening? Oh, yeah. There's this fucking great park in New York. They're tearing it up. Ari's an activist now. God. What are they doing there? They said they need fucking barriers for the next Sandy thing.

Let it go. Let the park go. Yeah, but you also wrote that they might put condos up. They're gonna. So they put it in the laws, like in the subtext. Like, hey, if we run out of money for this project, we should be allowed to put in high rises or maybe a prison to pay for it. A prison? Which means

that's what they're going to do. You don't want a prison there? This is past Avenue D. This is all poor people. Blacks, Latinos. It would help the neighborhood. That area is crazy. It's great out there. It's softball. Avenue D? No, no. The park. Oh, but you gotta go through Avenue D. It's like an obstacle course of heroin needles

and Puerto Ricans. Avenue D is not the best. No, it's D for dead. A is all right. B is be careful. C is- It's awful. They just rebuilt it. Cut me.

The park was open two days after Sandy. The park is fine. And they're just like, land grab. So is it all done? Is it said and done? They're about to start demolishing that big amphitheater out there. They're tearing that down. What?

I love the amphitheater. Cutting down a thousand trees. I thought that parks were protected in New York City. I thought that was like a vital part of the city. Yeah. Fucking de Blasio's like, let's sell out the fucking rights to it to make money. Bro, what is that guy all about? He wants to be governor now, too.

It's so creepy. What's his real name? You ever see his real name? Yeah. Yeah. It's not Bill de Blasio. No. It's like Warren or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so creepy. What's his real name? You ever see his real name? It's not Bill de Blasio. It's like Warren or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He pulled a Theismann? It's a total fake name. He does not have an Italian last name. Here it is. Warren Wilhelm Jr. What? Sounds like a rich white guy. Yeah, it does. Junior? I heard his wife's not really black.

Why did he change his name? is the does the name have a significance to it it's it sounds Italian he sounds like our city and what's his name LA Oh JMO Garcetti change central intelligence dad was a CIA spook? Yes. Oh, his uncle. His paternal uncle worked for the Central Intelligence Agency, and he said, hey, you should change your name to an Italian guy. Damn, that's hilarious. Oh, yeah, yeah, I know that guy in LA.

Villa Ragosa. Villa Ragosa. He changed his name. His name is Villar. Thank you. His wife's name and his name, he combined, though, which almost works. Like, he married a lady, and she had something, a gosa. She was gross. Was she?

Yeah, so they called her Vio Grossa. No. And then they changed it slightly. No, that's not true. I'm pretty sure, Joe. I don't know. Do the research. Document it there.

Wait, there's a gross lady? Oh, yeah. Yeah, his wife. Why? What? Why was she gross? Her attitude, mostly. Her attitude, mostly.

So you're trying to save this park? Yeah. No, different lady, different show. We're talking about L.A. It was the mayor of L. Her attitude mostly. So you're trying to save this park? Yeah. No, different lady, different show. We're talking about L.A. It was the mayor of L.A. Oh. Tony Villaraigosa. I never got big into mayors.

Yeah, well, I didn't give a fuck about them until the pandemic when I realized they could actually do things. Yeah, never thought about it. They could shut down restaurants and shit. I was like, oh my God. You ever think, I feel bad for these mayors because they went into it and were like, we're going to change the school system, maybe pave some roads

and then handle a fucking international pandemic. They'd be like, that's not my thing. That's what they've been jerking off over. They're like, I wish I had all this.

Yeah, you're right. This is my city. They love power. Shut down that burger king. This is my city. Have you seen that lady who's running New Zealand? If she even gets asked questions at press conferences,

and people yell out questions, she goes, we're going to shut this down. We're going to shut this down if you keep yelling out. And then she just leaves. She's like a Lady Trump. Accredited, accredited press only. And so she leaves. She took the fucking press conference indoors

because they were yelling out about the vaccine program that they have in Israel, how it's not working, and about the vaccinated people account for a vast percentage of the people that are testing positive and even deaths. And so this guy's yelling that out. But what about this? You're yelling out about this vaccine program. You want everybody to be vaccinated.

Tell us what you know about how it's failing in Israel. And she goes, we're going to shut this down if you keep me with a big smile on her face. But they have ultimate power now. Yikes. They have the power to shut down businesses, keep people in their homes. It's not as simple as just protecting people. It's also they have power. So when they have power, they fucking like it, man.

That's the reason why they run. Those are the kind of people that run for governor and mayor in the first place. They enjoy telling people what to do. They're dorks. Well, they like being the king. They want to be bullies. I like being the queen. Yeah. Remember when not knowing anything about politics was normal? Totally normal.

Now it's like the Mueller report. I have friends who are like, Scaramucci. I'm like, I don't know any of this shit. And neither did you 10 minutes ago. 10 minutes ago. Yeah. You read the headline. Now you act like you know.

Jen Psaki. I'm like, who are these names? Jen Psaki's cute. Is she? I'd like to give her a kiss on the lips. She's got the vid right now. She got COVID. You like redheads? Yeah, nice. Ginger music? I'd like to give her a kiss on the lips. She's got the vid right now. She got COVID. I'd like to give Jen's hat.

Yeah, nice. Ginger music. I like a good eye. Jen's hat. You'd be listening to Joe Rogan. Do you know? I bet she does. I bet she listens secretly in the car on the way to work.

Do you know? I never said anything mean about her. Do you know Redheads? Is she Red Team or Blue Team? Blue Team. She's Biden's. She's Biden's press secretary. That's a wild ass job.

Oh. She runs her mind, dude. Now we know what Shane likes. He likes them angry. She's Biden's press secretary. That's a wild ass job. Oh. She runs her mind, dude. Now we know what Shane likes. He likes them angry. Oh, but she fucks. She likes it in the pooper. Dude, how dare you say that about the secretary? Hey, don't say that.

She screams like, you never stop fucking me. Whoa. Oh my God. I bet her bedroom's got an American flag in it. No. She hates America. She's a Soviet. She's a straight Soviet?

I don't know any of them. No, who was the blonde one that Trump hired towards the end? The hot one? McKenna Neal She looks like the Big Bang Theory She had some good lines sometimes On the ball She was very good at that job And that was a hard job

There she is Click that one where your cursor's on I just love that photo where she goes uh I'm glad you brought that up and then just like bashes that guy bashes with facts but she's got let me talk to your manager face big time no she's got I am your new manager and this is why you

have to listen the thing about redheads I read this thing where it said that redheads have like something about pain where it said that redheads have something about pain. That they have a higher tolerance for pain. That they think it might actually be a genetic thing. Irish. Yeah. See if we can find that.

There was something about redheads and pain. Yeah. They get bullied their whole life. Study finds a link between red hair and pain threshold. Wow. A thousand years of British rule. Beat you like a redhead stepchild. Find out.

Let's find Louie and start punching him. Oh, he can take it. I bet he can. So it says people with red hair have a variant. A normal man

would have killed himself a long time ago. Oh, yeah. How do you get it? I'm saying he's got pain threshold. I heard his new special is fucking amazing.

I heard the same. I heard it's amazing and that fucking sign behind him that just says sorry, you were there for it? I was just with him. I was on the road with him. Oh.

Oh, yeah. Did you just get him to do an Instagram? How's his set? I did get him to do an Instagram. Yeah. I knew that. I made him get an Instagram. He just got one.

I was like, you got to get back in. And then I think he already deleted it. As soon as I left the tour, he deleted it. What a pussy. What a bitch. He had a hard time. He should be on there. You know, he was the beloved guy.

And then all of a sudden he turned on him. I heard his new set is amazing. That's what I heard. I'll tell you a cool story. He's going to be mad. I don't want to disrespect the king. Don't get the guy in more trouble. No, it's just a funny thing.

I got to the hotel and he was like, what are you doing? I forgot my sunglasses. I'm going to go buy a pair of sunglasses. He was like, I want you to come to my hotel room before you leave. I was like, no. He was like, alright, I want you to come to my hotel room before you leave. And I was like, oh. And then of course, he knew. He was fucking with me. When the doors were closing, he was like, I'm not going to jerk off.

But I probably shouldn't have said that on here. That's alright. He's the king. And what he wanted to show me was that some of that that he filmed. And then I saw the hour and it's like I cannot wait for everyone to see it. He already filmed it? Yeah, he filmed it at then I saw The Hour, and it's like... I heard my friend went. I cannot wait for everyone to see it. He already filmed it?

Yeah. Filmed it at the Garden. The Hulu, right? Yeah. When is it coming out? I'm not sure. That's a little awkward, though, that he showed you that. I get it.

I should have said that story. I know. I get it. Yeah. He and I talked about doing the podcast twice. Delete that story. Two separate occasions. Delete the story.

No, we're keeping that story. I love him. Delete the story. No, we're keeping that story. I love him. Delete the story. It's a great story. He's my favorite guy in the world. He's a great guy. What's wrong with that story? That wasn't bad.

You didn't say anything bad about him. I got a bad Louis story. So I used to open for him before he was in trouble. And he was like the king of comedy for a while. He was the funniest guy ever, whatever. So I used to open for him, and it was the highlight of my life. And then we were hanging out in his hotel room watching a movie, and we were talking. And I was sitting on his bed, and he was sitting at the chair in the hotel room.

And I go, hey, Louie. And I farted. On his bed? On his bed. He would spit. He lost it. He flipped. I was like, you're like the filthy comedy guy.

I thought you would love a fart. And he was like, dude, what are you doing?. I was like, you're like the filthy comedy guy. I thought you would love a fart. And he was like, dude, what are you doing? And I was crushed. But did he get actually angry or just like that, dude, what are you doing? It was worse because he was like, I'm disappointed in you. Like I thought we were building a relationship and you farted my hotel room. I could see that 100%. I thought he'd love it.

He strikes me as a guy that would, yeah. Oh, he hated it. I could see him going both ways. Interesting. I could see him going like, that was hilarious. Or like, hey, dude, what the fuck? You caught him on a bad day. And it was a great fart, too.

I really thought he would be like, oh, shit. He'll tell you a funny story about that. One time I was at an offensive lineman camp. So, it's just fat guys. Yeah. Me and this dude are paired up together. We're in a dorm room, and I farted. And he was like, fuck that. Yeah. Me and this dude are paired up together. We're in a dorm room and I farted and he was like,

fuck that. Yes! He tried to fight me. Seriously? I was like, we're all 300 pounds, dude. I know! This is a fart camp. All we do is fart. This is all we're doing. It's a fart camp. We're pushing each other and farting. Why'd he get mad at you? He got furious. And then I had an offensive line coach

in college. I farted during a team meeting and he stopped the film.. And then I had an offensive line coach in college. I farted during a team meeting, and he stopped the film. He was like, we don't do that in here. What? What? And I was like, we all do that in here. That's the only thing we're doing. It's not the N-word.

You guys have fucking protein just synthesizing in your gut. 300-pound men just sitting there just destroying farts. Just fucking creatine and protein. I was bad. That's why. I was a nasty one? I sucked. No, no, it didn't smell. there just destroying farts. Just fucking creatine and protein. I was bad, that's why. I was a nasty one? I sucked. No, no, it didn't smell. I just wasn't good.

Right, if you were a starter. If you were a starter, you'd be like, oh, good. Mark Taylor farts. People give him nutcrack. Our chair's got a reference. Yeah, I know football guys. I've seen a few football guys. Nice.

Yeah. He was a big guy. Everybody knew him. Yeah, yeah. He did crack. Played linebacker. Fucked people up. Woo. Ray Lewis. There's big guy. Everybody knew him. Yeah, yeah. He did crack. Played linebacker. Fucked people up. Woo.

Ray Lewis. There's another one. Ray Lewis. Herschel Walker. Killed a guy. Played linebacker. I think he killed a guy. Someone with him killed a guy.

Allegedly. He had a lady in the elevator. No, that's Ray Rice. What did you say? Ray Lewis. Oh, sorry. Another Ray. Diver Black Ray.

You know who's got a great bit about football players getting in trouble is Neil Brennan. That's a great bit. That's a great bit. It's a great bit. I don't want to say it because I don't know if he did. Did he put it on a special? I think he did. He did? Yeah, that's such a good bit.

Yeah, about football players doing football but outside of the game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People get mad. I'm fucking it up, but it's great. No, it's a very solid bit. Neil's a very good writer. I agree. Very good writer.

Yeah, he's clever. Like, he'll say something sometimes on my, I go, ooh, nice. I like him. I like how you put it together. He's unlikable. I like him a lot. Tell the writer. I'm joking.

Some people don't like him. I like him a lot. I like him, too. He's got a bad face, but I like him. He's got a fine face. He's got a wrestling bitch face. I'm more of a Kevin Brennan guy. Oh, I like Kevin.

Kevin's like, I love Kevin, but man, it's like, dude. He's got to chill out. You put yourself in a corner all the time. Do you ever get worried that you're going to run into people you talk shit about? Yeah, I can't even go to the cellar. I've got to go right downstairs. It's an outside force. I can't help it.

He's like, it's somebody else's fault. I can't go there. He's a psycho. He's crossing enemy lines. He's funny as shit. He really is. Every time he's like, hey, bring somebody's name up. I'm like, not going to say he's a hack.

People have sent me videos of him shitting on me. And for some reason, it doesn't hurt when it's Kevin. Exactly. Because you're like, ah, he's so sad or whatever. Yeah. And he's not wrong. Yeah. He's so sad.

Does he have a special? I don't think so. He has a long time to go his half hour. He did the first Comedy Central Presents. And it killed. It killed. Very killed on that. You know who has no special? Who has a long time ago. He's a half hour. He did the first Comedy Central Presents. And it killed. You know who has no special? Tony Woods. He's got one. He does? He signed one with

Netflix. I don't know if I'm supposed to say that. He's the most underrated comic in America. One of the best ever. Killer. He's the hardest follow for me. Oh, brutal follow. Because he does what I do, but he does like conversational, but he does it so much better than me. He's so smooth. Yeah, so smooth. Sexy. It bothers me that it took so long. I do, but he does conversational, but he does it so much better than me. He's so smooth. Yeah, so smooth.

Sexy. It bothers me that it took so long. I mean, it took Chappelle becoming a monolith, like a monster, for people to realize that Chappelle was influenced by Tony Woods, and then people hear about Tony Woods. There he is. There he is. He's so chill on stage. Yeah, I want to blow him.

He's so funny. Funny dude. Oh, that's They Ready? That's a little set he did with Tiffany Haddish. They Ready? I think he does a full hour soon. Oh. Nice pants, though.

Well, that's good to hear because it's going to be great. He's like 75, too. He looks amazing. He's finally ready. I don't think he's that old. He's finally fucking ready. He's going by they now? Can you imagine?

Imagine there's a comic who gave into that. Yeah, there are. They them? That's a couple. Name one. Oh, you guys are in New York City. I keep forgetting. That's not in LA.

Oh, you're not in LA. You're basically doing comedy in China. There's like 12 clubs there. It's a satellite club of China. What? New York City? Yeah, it's what it is. It's like communism is slowly making its way into New York City. And then it'll work its way west. New York City? The Chai Cogs? Yeah, that's what it is. Communism is slowly making its way

into New York City, and then it'll work its way west. New York's the best. That'd be New York's the best. It's a great place. I think it's the best. It's pretty great. It's just people going for it. It's what? It's the Chai Cogs. What's the Chai Cogs? The Chai Cogs. What does that mean? Chinese communists. Oh, Chai Cogs.

Ah, Chai Cogs. Like what you're saying. Brooklyn stuff. I did a show for Marion, I think Night Train or one of the other ones Marion was. Oh, yeah. And I got off stage and she goes, ah, I forgot to tell you, they're going to hate you just looking at you. Ah, they're going to hate you just looking at you. Yeah, like you're not.

Yeah, you look like all their landlords. Yeah, exactly. Tall white guy. Good juju. You're going to walk in and say, this is a motherfucker. I'm sorry. It's been a rough year. Just give me five days.

Yeah, that's Brooklyn. Isn't that weird to hate somebody based on how they look? Isn't that what we're trying to go against? You're a bigot, Martin.

You're a bigot for even saying that. You're a bigot for that now? Yeah. It's so confusing. It's still fun. Hating men is not bigotry.

Let that simmer. Simmer. Can I get another light here? Yeah. I want out. I can't smoke too much. I get anxiety. Yeah, I keep inhaling it.

Oh, boy. I keep inhaling it. I've been smoking so many cigars since I moved to Texas. This company, Foundation Cigars, shout out to them. They're the ones who made the JRE cigar blend. They've been sending me boxes of cigars. So I'm like smoking a lot of cigars. I asked you months ago.

I'm joking. I have more. I have more. I'll fill in the ones that are missing, the ones we smoked. I have four in that. I'll give you those. You have a full box. But I have an extra box. I'll have them send you boxes. I told Bobby about it. He's like, I want to try one. I'll give you those. You have a full box. But I have an extra box.

I'll have them send you boxes. I told Bobby about it. He's like, I want to try one. He goes, he sent me one. And then a month later, he's like, where is it? I'm like, dude, he's got stuff going on. I'm so busy. I forget.

My wife tells me shit. I forget it five minutes later. I go, when did you tell me that? She's like, five minutes ago. I think that's pretty normal. Yeah. Well, I have a filter. It's amazing.

Because I remember shit from like the 20s. I remember shit from like the old days. Like, I remember facts and statistics that I should not have in my head at all cuz it don't do me any good but yet things that people tell me like how many times if someone told you their name and it's just gone gone a second gone what is that how come that happens I guess they're not memorable it's not that because sometimes you want to know their name Like they're really nice You just don't set it in Yeah Dude I have like cousins That I'll see You just call them dude

And be like Ah Cousins Here's the best thing to do When somebody like Realizes like Oh I've known this guy for a while I haven't known his name

So I'll ask you like Hey what's that guy's name Just to know for sure It's like it's been too long Hit him with the other intro Hit him with a different name What Just who is that

It's like that's Sam Oh Sam Gillis Like sweet thank you And then that guy will, out of his way, go, hey Sam, I see you again, Sammy. He'll just keep doing it. It pays off. You're not there all the time. It's one of the best pranks. You know what a good

move is when you don't know someone's name? You bring someone with you. That's big. That's a good one. And they say, hey, you don't introduce them. Oh, have you met Shane? Yeah, you make it awkward. It's easy. Yeah, and you hope the person says their name. They'll say it back. And if they don't, you just gotta...

Then you just gotta run away. I think there's a Curb episode about that. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, I'm a fucking hack. I know, Larry David sucks. No, he's like my hero. That is a nice one, though.

Have you ever seen him do stand-up? No, but I met him once, and he was everything I hoped he would be. Yeah? Yeah, and he... I don't know if I should say it, but he went home with a pretty hot lady at this party. Nice, you just sank his whole fucking life. Well, I mean, he's a heterosexual single man.

Is he? Oh, yeah. He's not married? He got divorced. When? About a year and a half ago, two years ago. Do you think he's slinging dick? Does Larry David sling dick?

What are you kidding? He's lucid. Skinny, lanky. 68? You see this guy's dong? Giant hog. I've seen this hog about 100 times. Yeah, bro.

It's a dong. Solid ball sack, too. How many times have I seen you dick? Seriously. Uncountable. It's amazing. Ben Lee years? Will Chamberlain numbers.

He's got a big dick. I mean, mine's decent. He's got a very big dick. He's the only one who handled the anybody lines. He's going to handle this. No, I mean, I'm honest. I've talked to people who've blown him. Oh, nice.

Greg Fitzsimmons. Greg is in San Francisco this weekend, ladies. Go and see him. Also a big piece on that Irish mix. Fitzy? It's a funny guy. Oh, man. Here's another guy. Very underrated. He's a fucking very underrated comic. Always brings it. Real pro. Solid, solid

comic. Funny fucking dude. Imagine that shit,, solid comic. Funny fucking dude hanging off him. Sorry. Yeah. That's somebody's dad. Yeah. My dad wore a bad suit and had a briefcase. He has jokes about that, too. Like, his kids give him shit.

He's like, you don't fucking know me. He also is good with, like, roasty stuff. Oh, yeah. And so, like, if his daughter's like, you don't know anything. He's like, oh, is it on? Oh, it's on. You know, it's like, oh, is it on? Oh, it's on. It's just like I would not start with that guy. Greg and I started one week apart from each other.

Wow. We did the road together as open micers. We would drive all the way to Rhode Island to do like fucking 10 minutes on an open mic for free. I love those days. Those were good times. Yeah, we did so many gigs together. My God. Like in the late 80s.

Wow. We traveled everywhere together. You didn't realize how fun that was at the time. At the time, you're like, this sucks. We're bombing every night. We're getting no money. I got a day job. We kind of enjoyed that we were getting on stage.

Yeah. Yeah, it was that. But we didn't think- The joke worked. We were 21. We didn't think that it was ever going to be a career. Right. But we hoped-

I remember I went to this guy, DJ Hazard's apartment. I know DJ Hazard. You know DJ Hazard? Yeah, funny guy. Funny guy. DJ Hazard had a loft in Massachusetts, somewhere outside of Boston. And it was like they took an old school building and they converted it into apartments. And I went to his apartment.

It was like exposed wood. And he had like this fucking cool apartment. I remember thinking, my God, imagine he pays for this with jokes. Wow, yeah. I remember thinking that, because I was doing three different jobs. I was driving limos and working construction. It didn't seem possible, right? It didn't seem possible.

I was like, this guy's a professional comedian. That's all he does. And he headlines everywhere you go. You see the little newspaper clippings. It's DJ Hazard, Headliner, DJ Hazard. And his face with his eyebrow raised up. Looking hilarious. There he is. There's DJ. Eyebrow raise.

There's the eyebrow raise. That was back when comics were beefy and scary. Well, they were in Boston. He's a big fucking guy. They were all these big fucking guys. Look at the size of his neck. He's terrifying. He looks like the thing. He's like a bad guy from Dune. But sweetheart of a guy.

Yeah. Like a very, very nice guy. And very funny. Very funny. There was so many of those guys. Dana White cheddar. All the guys in Boston. Like Dane Cook had a really good point about that.

They were all like men. Yes. They were all like six foot two, burly, 230 pound fucking gorillas. Goosebags. Coke. They were all doing Coke. Yeah. Get paid in Coke.

You ever get paid in Coke? Yeah. No, they offered it to me. Yeah, they offered it to me. Yeah, they said, you want to get paid in cash or Coke or both? And I was like, holy shit, give me the cash. If somebody offered me- Dang, that'd be a fun night. You got to take the Coke.

Yeah, if somebody- Exactly. You got to take the Coke. This is probably the time to do it. You've never done cocaine? I've never done it either. You should try it. Get some pure stuff.

That's why we're on this side. Yeah. We're on this side of the table. You've never done blow? I'm not against it, but I never did it. How about should try it. Get some pure stuff. That's why we're on this side. We're on this side of the table. You've never done blow? I'm not against it, but I never did it. How about when we did Molly? That was fun. Oh, that was a bad night.

When was that? Did you fuck him? When was that? When did you guys all do Molly? Yeah, Helium was letting me do shows over COVID. And so that was the way we'd be able to party with all our friends. So we would do shows at Helium, and then once everybody left, we'd clear it out. Philly Helium?

Yeah, Philly Helium. That's the best one. They don't know we were doing this. Oh, shit. I told them. You know, they're opening up out here. They're opening up in the domain. They're reusing the Cap City name.

What? Yeah, he bought the Cap City name, and he's opening up a new Cap City in the domain. Is that going to fuck with your room? No, it's fine. I'll go there. I'll perform there. Joe said he wants to go to every club in the domain. Is that going to fuck with your room? No, it's fine. I'll go there. I'll perform there. Joe said he wants to,

do you mind? Yeah. Joe said he wants to go to every club in the city to let everybody know, like, hey, there's none of this, perform there or here show. That's nonsense. That's nonsense.

I'll perform there, you can perform here. Yeah, I'll do all the clubs. I want it to be a fun place. I don't give a fuck. You say that now, but then your numbers start going down. Not my bank account, bitch.

Yeah, I bet you he's going to be all right with this. Joe got a deal for over $100,000. Wow. He got $500 from this company. It's not American money. Shut the fuck up. It's Bitcoin. You got a Hulu special.

You're Illuminati now. Yeah, dude. You're Illuminati. I'm not, though. That's the problem. I'm on the outside. Do you have one of those masks you hold with a stick? Those are plague masks. I have a plague mask. But the outside Do you have one of those Masks you hold with a stick Those are plague masks

I have a plague mask But the fact that you Were like talked about In the debates That's insane What Like the presidential debates Like we should get Joe Rogan

Yeah Trump wanted me To host a debate With him and Biden In the podcast Damn that would've been good That's insane That would've been so fun

What t-shirt would you have worn Probably like ACDC Cypress Hill Yeah, Cypress Hill You gotta do on it, folks That's a tough one When you look at your closet You're like, what's right for this?

Right, what is right for this? I probably would have worn One of my buddy's t-shirts There you go Something from someone Like maybe yours I've worn yours a bunch I love that one

The one that you have to look at With the glasses Oh, the 3D one I fucking lost that one Do you have other ones of those? God damn it. Something happened in the move and I can't find that fucking shirt. That was one of my favorite ones

They came with 3D glasses. That was a fun one That was a good one. Try to have cool merch If you put the glasses on the shirt would like perform for you. It would wiggle Oh alright. Yeah it was dope We got a great shirt for tomorrow for the secret show tomorrow Oh yeah? Do we? Yeah.

Who's the secret guest? It's you, Mark! Oh, that's terrible. Mark, you're the secret guest. What kind of guest is that? You've got to do better than that. Secret show. So what's the shirt?

It's, I shouldn't even ruin it, but I'll just say it's just really cutesy. I'll show you a picture of it. It's Louis has sex with young boys. Does he say that? He keeps doing it. I don't want any part of it. I've got to get one of it. It's Lewis has sex with young boys. Does he say that? Keep doing it. I don't want any part of this. I got to get one of those. Jesus Christ.

What the fuck is wrong with you? He's got a son. Get me a medium. Let me see. It's so cutesy, too. Oh, my God, dude. We're donating $1 from every ticket to Nambla on behalf of Lewis Gomez. To Nambla from Lewis Gomez.

Is Nambla still alive? Live and kicking. Is that a thing? Who's Nambla from Louis Gomez. Is Nambla still alive? Live and kicking. Is that a thing? Who's Nambla? The North American Man Boy Love Association. Oh, nice. What's that easy, Jamie? That's a real thing.

I got to pay my dues on that. Is that still real? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, it was a real thing. Ah, fuck. My card is spread. I think it's still there.

Nambla? Mm-hmm. What a fucking terrifying organization. They loved it so much that they actually formed a group. They were like, yeah, there's just a lot of us out there. We just got to get together and strengthen numbers. Never heard of that one. Namely, never heard of it?

No. The whole South Park episode dedicated to it. Really? Yeah. We love young boys. What do you want us to do? Not love them? What about NAACP?

Is that still kicking? Yeah. You know what's weird about that is you're not supposed to say colored people? What about NAACP? Is that still kicking? Yeah. You know what's weird about that is you're not supposed to say colored people. Colored people's weird. Isn't that strange? Yeah. But you say people of color. Exactly. But it's in the thing.

Colored people. Yeah, that's what it is. NAACP. You can't really attack it. Yeah. You can't attack it? You can't attack it. No.

Do you want to? Good luck. Can we back up when you do it? You're going to go ahead and try to attack the NAACP? I think they're backwards. I think they need to come with the times. It's like this shit's not acceptable anymore. It's not cool to say colored people?

It is weird to say people of color, but colored people's bad. It's silly. It just shows you how many goofy fucking things there are. Like, how about this? English men, fine. Chinamen, you're a terrible person. Right. Telling me. How there are like how about this englishman fine chinaman you're a terrible person yeah right how about me how about this guy how about this oh put that down don't do not he's gonna hate you for that he's gonna be so mad he's gonna be mad by the way that's just gay fest i had a louis gomez pedophile shirt on at least make it young girls so he's not gay

at least it doesn't look anything like him. What? That looks exactly like Lewis. That looks like Tony Hinchcliffe's merch. That might look like him after the Jason Ellis fight. Did Jason fight? I don't know. What are you kidding? I don't know. Back when he was younger. Back when he was in his

20s and 30s a long time ago. Jason Ellis can fight. Like legitimately 100% fight. Like actually fight. It's true. 100% fight. Like, actually fight. Like, he's very skillful. He's got very strong punches. He's very good. He's going to win.

Let him. No, no, no. Is that Lewis? No, no, no. Show the one where he's fighting a guy with his arm behind his back. He's fighting Shane Carwin, who's 260 fucking pounds. You're leaving out the detail. And a former UFC heavyweight champion.

Is that him who got knocked out? No, that's him knocking a guy out. Oh, yeah. What is that from? Is that Pink? That's Pink punching him in the face. That's him fighting Uriah Faber in a boxing match. I wouldn't fight Pink.

Wrestling is serious, Jason. Jason Ellis can fight. Oh, that's him fighting Mayhem. That's hilarious. Mayhem's just letting him punch him. Yeah, but listen. Oh, yeah, this is a problem. I didn't know he was doing this.

This is all a long time ago. Look at the graininess. Shut the fuck up. Graininess of the footage. This is so long ago. That's Kit Cope. Kit's got tattoos everywhere now. You don't lose it, though.

He's training with Babalusa Brawl, who's a legend. I would beat the shit out of Babalusa Brawl. You gotta show me dates on these. What? I pray to Christ I see Babaloo on the street. Don't even say that. He's a big fella. Dr. Drew in his corner.

Dr. Drew in his corner. I'm telling you. What's he gonna do, therapy him? No, that's his. He's right there. He's boxing big fella. Dr. Drew in his corner. Dr. Drew in his corner. I'm telling you. What's he going to do, therapy him? No, that's his. He's right there. He's boxing with Eddie, his boxing trainer. So he's probably taking an easy on him. But just let me tell you something.

Jason Ellis can really fight. I've got a lot of money on Ellis. He can really fight. Is that bomb squad? I think it's the Hollywood boxing gym. Those are children. That was the Hollywood boxing gym. That place on, is it on La Brea, the upstairs place?

You know that place on La Brea? It's a 24-hour gym. It seems like it might be some sort of a- Elza. Anyway. The original bomb squad was great. So that's him with Shane Cartwood. Look at the size differential.

He had Shane tape his arm down. Shane's knocking him out with one arm behind his back. Shane is a fucking monster. Shane knocked out everybody. He knocked out Frank Mir. You can't use that as a moment that Jason Ellis is good getting knocked out. What is Lewis thinking? Lewis is going to beat him. He's old and Lewis is

big training. Lewis is old. Let's put some money on this. I already got a lot on Ellis. How much money? You want to bet. How much do you want to bet? Keep in mind, money's different for both of us. I'm going to bet an amount that makes- Your contract. That makes me feel like, oh, that's something. Okay.

$1,000. Okay. Hey, that's substantial. $1,000. $1,000. Okay. Do we have to shake on it or we're just friends? We're friends.

We're friends. Come on, man. Actually, I don't trust you. Okay. Witness. So when's the fight? And by the way, this is not a knock on Lewis I tried to talk him out of it

Don't listen to Lewis, he's getting your head Because he's been friends with Jason for longer than you, Lewis I love both of them, but listen Head trauma is real, it's a real thing Keep it for the rest of your life Well, then we're pets, right? So doesn't Ellis have some head trauma? Oh yeah, he's got a lot of it

Ellis told me that he's been knocked unconscious. Something like, he fought in the King of the Cage. He had a professional MMA fight in the King of the Cage. But he told me he's been knocked unconscious. At the time, I believe he said like eight times. He's got serious concussions, dude. That's why he's bisexual now. He doesn't remember he's straight.

I think that... He's bisexual? My mind's on those, dude. That's what I'm talking about. remember he's straight I think that he's bisexual yeah my mind's on the list dude that's what I'm talking about maybe he's just greedy although that could be more of a superhero type that's a powerful thing to be also I never forget my friend Jimmy told me this my friend Jimmy Lawless he goes I think we're like 18 he goes he goes are they just greedy like bisexual it was like the funniest thing because we're like teenage muttons there is Jason Lewis well clear is 5'11 185 pounds I'm telling you man he came 50 years old Mike Tyson's 55 you want to fight him he was born before Led Zeppelin got together and he's Australian though those people are animals they are animals disgusting

people Zeppelin was around in 71, you son of a bitch. Don't fucking deal up with the facts. I don't know. How dare you? When did they get together? 60s? I don't know. That's a good question. So when's the fight?

I think it's soon. I think it's November, right? Isn't it November? I don't know. Lewis better not be drinking at Skank Fest. He's going to ruin his whole training. He will be. He's going to be drinking.

If Lewis dies on fentanyl on Skank Fest, the bet is off. That's fair. Ooh, fentanyl. Fentanyl's fuckingubby. If Lewis dies on fentanyl and skank fest, the bet is off. That's fair. Ooh, fentanyl. Fentanyl's fucking terrifying. I did it on accident. Knocked me out for like two days. Wait, you did? I was lucky to be alive.

What happened? I was having trouble sleeping for a while, so I asked a guy for some Xanax, and it was laced with fentanyl. It's called a Green Hulk. Pull it up, J-Mo. Oh, it's fake? Fake Xanax? Yeah.

And I took the whole thing. Wait, wait, wait. What happened? I asked a guy for some Xanax on the road, and I couldn't sleep. I was doing so many gigs and drinking and all that stuff, and he gave me a bunch, and it fucked me up. Do you know that's how Tom Petty died? Really?

Yeah. Tom Petty was in pain, and he got off of a show, and he got, I believe, from a roadie. He asked a roadie if he had, I think he wanted like an Oxy. And the guy gave him an Oxy. The guy went to the parking lot. There it was. That was it. That three one.

Look how it looks like the Hulk. Look at those pills that look like the Hulk. This is also what killed Colin Powell. Oh, no. No, that was cancer. Ah, shit. Wasn't fentanyl? Joey, you got to test that shit now.

I think he had cancer in COVID, right? Didn't Colin? Yeah, but it's cancer. Yeah, he had blood. He had like a rare blood cancer. Not good. Yeah. But meanwhile,

the fucking, and he was in his 80s. Meanwhile, the headlines, COVID took Colin Powell. Yeah. Damn. Poor guy. Died too young.

Everybody's testing now. It's fucking annoying. All the drugs, all the good drugs are like, you got to be worried about it now. Yeah. It's very annoying. Well, what they really should do drugs are like, you got to be worried about it now. Yeah. It's very annoying. Well, what they really should do is make them fucking legal so that everything can be tested.

It should have been. Stan Hope wrote that immediately after Kate Quigley and those. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Those three guys died and she lived. And, you know, Stan Hope was right. He's definitely right. I mean, people are in denial about this.

It props up the cartels. It props up organized crime. You don't know what the fuck you're getting. DS says it's one cartel trying to ruin the supply of another cartel. I'm sure. But meanwhile, they're just like, who cares? Some Americans will die. It doesn't matter.

But it's like, if you have a CVS, remember when CVS had a, there was some like nut brand, mixed nut brand, and they recalled it all? Because they're like, hey, it might have E. have e coli give it back we're not selling this anymore you would do that at cvs if anything got infected you'd be like it's done we're not selling they should have like legit centers where you can test these things and they should have legit places where you could buy actual cocaine not cocaine mixed with a bunch of shit because the dealers are trying to cut it. And we should, you know, think about how many people have died.

If someone just had the smarts to sell tests that were like mobile portable tests, whatever the fuck you're going to take, put it in there, find out what the fuck is in it real quick. Most people probably still would just take it. Yeah. Especially if you're drunk or high and you're just like, but that's what's wrong. I was at a festival, Valley Vibe, Bonnaroo got canceled. We found another one, Valley Vibe, just some small festival. And this group next to us bought some blow. And they were like, hey, we want to test it first.

Which I assume just meant like, let's see if it's good before I buy a bunch. But they went into their trailer and did a bunch. It's like, that's 100% great cocaine. Oh. Nice. The next day, they bought some acid. They're like, hey, hey that is 100 mescaline not acid at all it's a 24-hour trip instead of a fucking 10-hour trip be careful another time

they tried molly and then it was like that's synthetic molly and bro you gotta test everything now it's just like even if it's not fentanyl it's anything else it's fucking scary man it's scary it's annoying that's, it kills people. That's what's scary. Have you ever seen the amount of fentanyl that it takes to kill you? It's the tiniest amount. Really? It's so small.

Yeah, Jamie, pull it up. It's literally like one-fifteenth of a penny. What? But if your helium shows were happening now and everyone's like, we got Molly, everyone would be like, I can't. We can't have this good time. What are you talking about? If they were happening now with fentanyl around, got Molly, everyone would be like, I can't. We can't have this good time. What are you talking about? If they were happening now with fentanyl around, it'd be like-

Fentanyl was around? This was like a week ago. It wasn't effective. We're not snorting, Molly. I'll probably take Molly this weekend. You've got to start testing it. I have some if you need it. I'm not going to take it.

Oregon sucks. Look at that. That's the amount of fentanyl. Okay, I'm wrong. It's like 1,000. Wow. Lincoln. In my defense, I'm wrong. It's like 1,000. Lincoln. In my defense, I will be surrounded by losers.

They'll take it first. And I'll watch. It'll take hours before they die. I think Lewis and Rebecca are getting a tester room. Really? Good for them. I think fentanyl will get you quickly. It's fucking terrifying.

It's terrifying because quickly it's terrifying that was a good one thanks that's a good one felt pretty good say that five times show up in a bikini bit of fun master it loves puns people don't give him credit for the puns it's just a terrible trump impression but it's the puns is where it's got bro that fucking speed dating with trump was one of the best sketches online. That's a funny sketch. Your shit, those videos that you guys put out are fucking genius.

They're so underrated. They're real sketches. Almost as good as SNL. I don't even compare it to that. It's just great. They're just funny. It's Gillian Keeves. So I Think You Should Leave.

Key and Peele are done. Yeah, So I Think You Should Leave is incredible. Those are the two great sketches that are out now. These are amazing sketches. But the thing is, you don't have a fucking editor or a producer saying, oh, you're going too far. That's the key. It's like artists and executives, they don't have the same reason for existing.

The executives are just trying to have a thing successful so they can make money and they can continue upwardly and eventually produce movies. That's what they all want to do. What we want to do is make people laugh. And sometimes you got to go for it. And they don't want to go for it. And when you go for it, they get mad at you. You just do it your own way. It's like, hey, this wouldn't work on NBC.

It's like, fine, fine. One thing that's hard for us is John has a real life. He has a family, a Kiever, who's writing and directing and editing and we can't find anyone

to buy it. You know what I mean? So if you do your own thing, you've got to have your own money. Yeah, right. Are you making money on it? No. Put it out for free.

But the YouTube and the Venmo donations. It does bump up your profile, though. Definitely people love you. It helps me. It helps your stand-up. It helps me, but not McKeever. Interesting.

That sucks. Let's get him a GoFundMe or some shit. Yeah. If we raised some money so John could quit his real job to write more shit, we would do it every day. Because that guy's brilliant. Maybe what's going to happen is things are going to go. Jay's going to have to produce a special.

Really? Yeah. Interesting. He did mine. He did my special. I going to have to produce a special. Really? Interesting. He did mine. He did my special. I make money on YouTube for my special. I fucked up. I didn't monetize my YouTube.

What? What? I didn't want to. I don't know. Well, you should do it now. Do it. Really? Or it's too late.

I think it's $800 a minute on fucking Patreon. Patreon. Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. Patreon. Well, that's good. You got a source. But, you know, Dunnigan and Kurt Metzger are having the same issue. Oh, those guys are brilliant.

Fucking genius. Brilliant. I went over to their house. Those Biden things. Oh, my God. Those are great. They're so funny. Incredible.

Who's the Jew guy? You? No, the thinker. The thinker? Ben Shapiro. Ben Shapiro. They do a great Ben Shapiro. God damn.

Kyle Dunnigan is one of the best impressionists alive. Unbelievable. His Bill Maher is fucking incredible. I went over to their house like two weeks ago. First off, you go into Kyle Dunnigan's house, it's terrifying. Why? It's a shell of a house with like box. It's a genius's house.

Right. And it's just him and Metzger who is also out of his fucking mind. And Metzger will come up with an idea. He'll say something and then Dunnigan will just do the impression on the spot. Metzger's a joke machine. He is. He's a joke machine. His text messages to me.

You ever get caught in Metzger? He'll say one thing to you. Hey, have you ever seen this? You respond once, and then 40 texts come in. He's just like laying you out a whole movie. He's manic. He's amazing. He's amazing.

I'm such a giant fan of that dude. He's just like laying you out a whole movie. He's manic. He's amazing. He's amazing. Yeah, he's great. I'm such a giant fan of that dude. Oh, yeah. He's so funny. He's just, again, another super underrated guy, underappreciated guy. Him and Donegan, those fucking face-offs. White Precious was a great special. Yeah. White Precious.

White Precious was like a last great Comedy Central special. What was it called? White Precious. White Precious? Is that Metzger? It's Metzger. It's the best. What a great name.

It's the best. White Precious. There's a whole bit about it, yeah. That is an amazing name. They said it's the best insult. Best insult to call somebody because they can't even. What a killer. It's the best. White Precious. There's a whole bit about it, yeah. That is an amazing name. He said it's the best insult. Best insult to call somebody because they can't even. That's funny. Another huge dong.

Oh, man. He's a giant guy. Of course he's got a huge dong. Huge Jehovah's Witness dick. Really? You got a little dick? Let me stop you right there, Joe. Wow.

You're doing all right. I have a decent penis. I mean, I've seen it next to mine. Well, you're a big fucking guy. That's why you have a regular dick for your size. Yeah, you're a big fucking guy. You have a regular dick. For your size. For regular people. If you put it on Jamie Kilstein, it'd be massive.

Joe's got midget dick. He's got this short but thick stubby. So rude. It's not that short. It's pretty regular. It's not like that. It's a little longer than that. It's not as thick.

You're lying. You're just lying to people. What do you mean? Who's got the ruler? Where's the ruler here? Do you even have a podcast studio? I'll take that dick. Without a dick ruler? That's a little longer than that. It's not as thick. You're lying. You're just lying to people. What do you mean? Who's got the ruler? Where's the ruler here? Do you even have a podcast studio? I'll take that dick. Without a dick ruler?

That's a great dick. I'll take that dick right now. What is that? That's a five. That's at least five. Stretching ladies out? That's like one of those little coke cans. You're never going to get a blowjob ever except for someone that's terrifying.

How even could you? A terrifying woman? Why, you couldn't even get around it? Yeah, you need a big mouth. You can't. But some of them people with a giant like Hilary Smank smile. Hilary Smank. She's got a giant smile. Hilary Smank smile Hilary Smank she's got a giant smile Hilary Smank

is one of the finest actresses she did a trans movie back when that was a thing when you were allowed to yes you can't do it now boys don't come cry

there you go yeah she's a good actress she's a very good actress and weirdly hot where you're like am I into her am I not into her

it's Hilary Smank pull her up like Sigourney Weaver's hotter sister. Hillary Schmank. She was a lady. Everybody's like, she's so hot. Sigourney Weaver was kind of hot.

I never got it. She's hot. Ridley Scott? Ridley? Ridley Scott's hot. Ridley Scott's hot. Ridley Scott's for sure hot. Really?

He's got a hog. You just lush us. You can tell. Yeah, you can tell. What about Kubrick? You think he's got a big hog? He's dead. I had a big hog while he was alive.

He was too busy doing math. He seemed like a weird guy. And so usually a guy that's like, probably has a dick. Not a curved dick. The guy like that has one of those

like real... Biggest dick I've ever seen in my life was a mathematician from Harvard, or no, from MIT that used to do

Taekwondo with me. His name was John Ball. If you're still alive, John, my apologies. This is only a compliment. He was a very nice guy. He did Taekwondo and he was oddly uncoordinated,

but he had a dick that people would go, he would change in the locker room. People would go just, what the fuck? Like a baby's arm with an apple in his fist, like the old Lenny Bruce line. It was gigantic. White guy? Yeah, white guy with wacky hair.

He was a mathematician a genius like a Brilliant brilliant guy and use it. I don't know I mean a wife that looked like she's protecting a gold mine Show up make sure that no one else saw it. Yeah, no no women saw it. It was giant I mean it was like 12 inches soft. What? I'm telling you, it was fucking and fat. Fat. And he was like, you would never imagine if you saw the guy in real life. He was like a thin, wiry guy. Those are the guys who have the biggest dongs.

Thin. Thin and hairy. Thin, wiry. Tall, lanky. Like a baseball bat. It was giant. The dick size is unaffected by your weight gain. It's just your height.

Yeah. Isn't that far shot? It really shines. What? Unfortunately, dude. Because tits get bigger with fat. Tits get bigger. It's just your height. Yeah. Isn't that far shop? So it really shines. What? Unfortunately, dude. Because tits get bigger with fat. Tits get bigger. Yeah, sometimes they don't do.

There's a lot of women that have tits. That's the real problem. That's the worst. Men tits when they get fat. Worst place to be. Which is a damn shame. Yeah. Damn shame.

That sucks. The weirdest thing is when a guy gains a shit ton of weight and then he has to lose it all and then they cut the skin off. Have you ever seen that? Yeah. When they have all that extra skin and then they have a big line down the side of their bodies where they literally slice you and tighten you back up again and then you have to walk around like this for like three months.

That's what you get. Just be that fat and ride it out. You think so? Yeah, just be that fat and die. Just go lean into it. Go to the beach. Move to Austin. Lay there.

Go to some barbecue places. Wait it out Because some guys lose weight and they look shitty like Al Roker. You're like you were better fat better fat Some guys are better fat. I wonder what I'd look like Jane. I think I'm not Don't fuck I'm the health guy so I can't tell the truth. Yes, you know, it's not the truth I'm the health guy, so I can't tell the truth? Yeah, you know it's not the truth. Yo, that's the truth. You know it's not the truth.

He's huge. No, he's not Ralphie May. How old are you? What? How old are you? He's 80. 47. Yeah, right.

That's the year you were born. Good year. He always tries to get me with the fat. All you gotta do is bring up Ari's age and he shuts the fuck up. Like a 20-year-old. I'm older than him. Yeah, true. I'm like six years older than you.

How old are you? I don't know, 47. Yeah, but you're doing pretty good. I'm doing fine. You're not defending parks. I think the park should be defended. Fuck that park. Fuck that park.

And there's nothing you can do. I for real fuck that park. Build that deal. You can bike the whole bike path past there. Who's biking. Fuck that park. I have four real fuck that park. You can bike the whole bike path past there. Who's biking, dude? Everybody! Who's biking, dude? Who's biking? Get rid of them. Let a guy make money.

There's a guy right now, somebody who's trying to buy this fucking park. The last thing he needs is some dork coming on a podcast. It's probably Trump. Protect the park, man. I hope it's Trump. Can you imagine if Trump- Trump, Trump, Trump.

Why do you want this park so bad? Oh, you want me to do Trump? Yeah. Yeah. Trump oppression. Why Trump? What's the problem with this park? Why do you want it so bad, Donald?

We've got a lot of Jews down there. That's good. Thanks. How'd you know that? How'd you know there was so many Jews in there Stop No, keep going, come on No, no

What are you gonna do with the park? You can't A lot of people think that you're gonna put a prison there Are you gonna put a prison there? We might put a prison there, I haven't thought about it I was thinking about a prison That's a good impression Have you had girls try to fucking do Trump in bed?

Donegan's Trump. Donegan's Trump when he has the Trump surprise face when Stormy Daniels is calling on the fucking FaceTime. It's like, Stormy. Stormy. Whatever happened to her? She did stand up for a hot minute. Yeah.

Well, once that dude went to jail, that was it. I love how our dream is everyone's fallback plan. I know. What a bummer. Isn't that crazy? You hear that, Catan? everyone's fallback plan. I know what a bummer Dan it's the only oh That's the only thing He's a very funny guy it's great in that movie with the dancing

Let's see stand-ups be stand-ups. Yeah. Here's the thing though. If someone embraced stand-up and then really got into it, you'd be cool with that. It's never that. It's like I'll do it 20 times and then just cash in on my name. To really get into it, you've got to bomb for a while. You've got to work your way up. Yeah, you've got to bomb. And you've got to bomb at open mic. You've got to come in when people don't

know you. The only guy that I've ever known that got famous and then started doing stand-up was Charlie. Charlie Murphy was literally headlining after a year of doing comedy and going on the road and he fucking had the balls to follow legit people

and he would bring them on the road with him. Whatever happened to that guy? He died. No! Him and Muhammad Ali. No! No! And Colin Powell. What?

Yes. All of them are gone. Colin Powell. You remember the guy responsible for the war in Iraq? Yeah, that guy, the weapons of mass destruction guy. Did he kill himself because he pulled out of Afghanistan? Jamie, look that up. I think he died before it happened, right?

Didn't he die before? No, I think after. I was like, that's it. My work is done. There's more news stories about Chappelle than the Taliban. There's more news stories about Chappelle than pulling out of Afghanistan. Yeah, I guess Israel and Palestine made up. They do that.

They do that a lot. When I got canceled, it was Epstein. Oh, yeah. They use it. Well, you're like, thank God for Epstein. They use it. No, no. Epstein was like, thank God for me.

Let's push all the heat on this guy. Want to see a fucking hilarious meme? I'll send this to you, Jamie. Memes are good. This is one of my favorites. Memes. There's funny memes out there. There are.

Although sometimes they steal our bits. They do occasionally, but most of the time it's- Most memes are honest, but yeah. Most comics steal from memes. That's a lot of that too. Oh, really? You see that? Every day

But how do you know who did it first though? The fucking meme Alright It's not like a verbatim joke But there's a theme You can see someone be like You've read a lot of memes They'll use a phrase that's from a meme

Right All day I hate that You're not creative You got that from the internet Yeah I sent it to you, Jamie And the meme is always better

That's how I started The first time I did comedy I was from the internet. Yeah. I sent it to you, Jamie. And the meme is always better. That's how I started. The first time I did comedy, I was just stealing memes. That's smart. I knew it. It's pretty punchy. Look at that. It's perfect for SNL. On a scale of one to ten, how big is it?

Whoa. It looks just like Andrew Jackson. That's pretty good. Epstein and Andrew Jackson. What is going on with that? Another guy just retired because he got caught up in the Epstein photograph library. They found out that he was hanging. Meanwhile, Bill Gates out there selling vaccines and soybeans.

See the picture of Bill Clinton and him just chilling at a bar, at a restaurant. I'm having a good time. I only went on a flight with him 26 times. Trump was there, but he only went down there and he hung out with the staff once he found out what was going on. Did he? Yeah. That's what I heard.

Tell me what he said. Oh, yeah. James Staley, Barclays CEO, steps down after a Jeffrey Epstein inquiry. Look at that. That's the face of a guy who had a good time. He got his asshole licked. Oh, yeah. For sure.

That's a Squid Games guy. That was a guy. A real animal house. A real animal house situation, dude. Yeah, he had duck boots on, legs in the air. They're having fun. They're having fun. Never done the, I had a girl try to lick my asshole once.

I had to tell her to stop. I had it. It's really bad. I could never do it. There's too much hair and dingles. You got to be prepared for that. Yeah. You got to prep.

You can't get into it because you're like, you're having not a good time. You shouldn't be there. Exactly. Have you ever felt the hairs down there? Oh, yeah. Like, gooch to butthole. The hairs are like, it's a not a good time. You shouldn't be there. Have you ever felt the hairs down there? Oh, yeah. Like, gooch to butthole. The hairs are like, it's a different breed of hair. Minor chaos.

Yeah. Same. Look at me. Imagine what my asshole hair looks like, and you'd be correct. That's all I've been thinking about this whole time. It's like if you saw a chimp's asshole, and then you saw my asshole, you're like, which one's you? Your asshole's blue, like a baboon.

No, that's a colobus monkey. Oh, we got in the monkeys. Yeah. It's fun to clean your asshole, though, isn't it? It is fun. Because you're still rubbing it, but it's for health. I shave it every few months, and it makes the fart sound totally different. You shave your asshole?

What? Yeah, chick. Don't want that working the balls. Is Jamie doing it? I have a sponsor in manscaping. I just let it clean the... It keeps your asshole cleaner. What do you do, nose cleaner? No, a fucking... It's a ball hair trimmer, manscaping. I just let it clean the... It keeps your asshole cleaner. What do you do? Nose cleaner? No.

A fucking... It's a ball hair trimmer. Manscaped. For your asshole? If you had real... I could use that. Real sponsors, you would know about manscaped.com. I only have drug sponsors.

But how do you see what you're doing? I only have drugs and recovery drugs. Do you get a mirror? It has a light on it. What? Yeah. The manscaped... How do you bend?

But how do you get in there? It's called a lawnmower. They have a 4.0. Get up on the table and show us. Well, I'm very flexible. What pose do you take? Prove called a lawnmower. They have a 4.0. I'm very flexible. What pose do you take? I spread my legs apart and I go head between the legs. And you lift your nutsack out of the way? Yeah, I can suck my own dick if I wanted to.

No, you cannot. You can't. No, you cannot. Bullshit. I've never done it. I just put it around my face just to know I could do it. Whoa! I've tried.

What do you want me to show you? Through the jeans. You can touch your jeans with your head. I can put it. Whoa! I've tried. What do you want me to show you? Through the jeans. You can touch your jeans with your head. I can put my head flat. I can flatten my body out. You can put your head flat. Not that far. You know I can.

Do you remember that time when Bert said, can you do a split? And I just dropped down to the split? Anybody can do a split. That's a normal thing. Anybody can do a split. I can do a split. It's been done.

If you can bend your head and go fully flat, where do you think your face is? First of all, you don't have a neck, so how can you get over that far? Just show us your dick. I have a neck under all this other shit. Wait, you can suck your own dick? What are you doing here? I'm pretty sure. What's the money?

I know. All that money? Who needs it? What's the point of all this? What's the point of all of it? Because you still have a dick in your mouth. You can't enjoy it. Just use that cash for a soundbite.

You'd have to be bipolar. You'd have to be like, I'm the guy who's getting his dick sucked. Not the guy who's sucking the dick. That's a guy in another dimension. CNN, attacking for the dick sucking. True. They can't. Everybody over there sucks dick.

He's the real dewormer. He's like, shut up. I'm deworming. Horsecock. That's hilarious. Wait, so you've gotten the dong close to the face just to be like, I could do it? Yeah, I've gotten it close to my face just to see if I could do it. You could touch it on the side of your...

It wasn't hard, but I was imagining. If it was hard, this is going in there. Whoa. Good for you. That's hot. Could you lick the balls? No. That's impressive.

You could play with the balls. I have seen a lady in a video eat her own pussy, and I was like, good lord. Wow. Was she bad at it, too? That's not there. You didn't get a pile to go. How big do you think you're digging? Oh, that's me.

But you're not doing it. That's a picture of you not doing it. But I'm just stretching there. I'm not doing it. How is that out there? I didn't even know. I only have that. Oh, you have that?

Yeah. I was like, I didn't even know I I only have that. Oh, you have that? Yeah. I was like, I didn't even know I did that. This conversation came up 4-20-2019 backstage. Oh, that's right. Well, see, there you go. I saw a donkey show in Mexico. Did you? Wow.

Ruined my life. A lady fucks a donkey? And I've seen Fluffy's act. But this thing was, I mean, this was bananas. What? So I was in Mexico in college. We used to drive down. I'm from New Orleans.

You drive to Mexico for a weekend, go nuts with a bunch of guys and one guy, we're out there drinking and one guy goes, you want to see Donkey's show? And we're like, yeah. And he took us for a 20 minute walk. We went to a warehouse. There's a bunch of guys in a circle. Bunch of hay. They're all holding

money. And we saw Donkey come out and the lady comes out, they flip the donkey over, they blow the donkey and then she sat on it. No. It was horrific.

You saw it? I had to watch, but I turned away. How much did it cost you? It was like 10 bucks. Did you actually hate it? I hated it. The donkey's missing fur,

the lady was kind of hot. The donkey was malnourished. Yes. He was getting human pussy and he was malnourished? And she was was getting human pussy and he was malnourished? And she was pretty. Wow. Mexico, man.

It's wild. When you see how many really beautiful women do porn, you're like, wow. I know, right? Isn't that crazy? It's like, I think the way they really make money now is OnlyFans. They came real close to cutting off that OnlyFans. They did. And all the money went away.

But then they went, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. We're going to keep it going. I think the whole thing was an ad campaign. It's a good ad campaign. Everybody was like, you can't stop. You can't stop the porn stars. That's right. We do have porn stars at OnlyFans. We're not doing it.

See, he thinks like a Jew. And Chappelle teamed up with the trans people. Nobody wants to say it, but it's obvious. Everyone's talking about And Chappelle teamed up with the trans people. Nobody wants to say it, but it's obvious everyone's talking about a special way more than the last one. True.

He's trans. Clearly trans. Imagine if that was the plot twist. I didn't want to say this, but I'm a bitch. What was that one movie? Remember that movie

that was a famous movie and at the end of the movie the girl turned out to be a guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boys don't cry. No, no, no. It was like Egypt and the outer space. No, something like it, yeah. Boys don't cry. No, no, no, no. It was like Egypt and outer space.

No, some like it hot. No, no, no. No, you guys are wrong. No, the twist was it's a girl or it's a guy. It's a guy. Ace Ventura. No, that was one of the most transphobic movies ever. And it's Sean Young who's hot as fuck.

In the end, everyone's throwing up. They're going crazy. Wow and the end everyone's throwing up Tone low-key yeah, cuz they had all made out with her. That's right. What was the movie good question? And like it was it was like an outer space person Egypt running Egypt from the old Egyptian days No, no, no, I'm sure it's not it It was a it famous movie, and at the end of the movie, it was revealed that it was actually – there's someone out there yelling it out. I know. Oh, The Crying Game.

Yes. The Crying Game. The Crying Game. The title's offensive. Thank you. Jamie's favorite movie. No, it's the second favorite movie. What about Soul Man?

That's a doozy. Soul Man was a good one. You can't do that. Joanna Man? You can't do that. Joanna Man's great. Actually, that's pretty relevant. It was a failure. Tropic Thunder was the last one. That was a good one. You can't do that. Joana Man. You can't do that. Joana Man's great. Actually, that's pretty relevant. It was a failure.

Tropic Thunder was the last one. That was a great comedy. It's a great fucking movie. There's a movie you could never make. It's fucking brilliant. It is a funny movie. When Tom Cruise plays the agent guy. Tom Cruise is a comedy.

He has a tattooed on. Tom Cruise. That was when McConaughey made a switch for me. What do you mean? McConaughey in Tropic Thunder is when he switched from like rom-com douche guy to like the fucking man. He's a great guy. Every now and then I'll get a fucking FaceTime from Matthew McConaughey. And I just look at my phone and I go, wow.

All right. Damn. Walking around my house. Interstellar ruled. McConaughey is great. He's a great guy. He's like a human to human. He's very normal.

Very friendly guy. But almost like too famous. Too famous. Too famous actor. And now he's talking about like running for governor and shit. There he is. Weird. I hope he does.

There's Tom Cruise. The fucking crazy hairy fucking wrists and everything. That's hilarious. That was an amazing character. He's got to be doing Harvey there. It's got to be like a Harvey spin. The forearms? Maybe.

Maybe. I read that that was his choice. Tom Cruise was the one in that movie that was like, give me those jacked forearms. Jacked forearms. It was an action and like a real actor. And he goes, let me try comedy. And then just crushed it. Murdered.

He can do anything. He's good. That guy can do anything. That's what Scientology gives you. He does his own fucking stunts and he's like 80 years old. He flew. He dove from outer space. He fucking parachuted from outer space.

What? Yeah. Is that power of Scientology? Well, the thing is. I'm like, get in there. He flew He dove from outer space He fucking Parachuted from outer space What? Yeah Is that power of Scientology? Well the thing is I might get in there If you really believe something Let's do it Imagine we all joined

We came together So listen We just want to be protected Against scandal I got an idea I got an idea Instead of us coming out We've all thought about

Coming out as We've all thought about Coming out as trans He's probably got Like a fat movie going on. Oh, yeah. They're saying he looks like Norm MacDonald now. Imagine if he's playing Norm in a movie.

What if he is Norm? It does look like a fat suit. Look at Norm. He looks very thick. He must be doing something. Norm? He says, stop putting crap into your face. He's not putting crap into his face.

That's food. No, that looks like chemicals. That's booze, dude. You think he's getting hammered? That's food and booze. He doesn't drink. I don't think he drinks. What was that one mission I had? I think he's probably... It seemed like I couldn't do it. He's getting fat for a movie.

He's probably getting fat for a movie, not telling anybody. But it looks fake fat. It looks like Eddie Murphy. It does. It looks like a fat shooter. It says he's defended his appearance. Scroll back up. Where is it? Look how hot he is there. He defended the star's appearance blaming his new look on age. No. Because look down there.

That's what he really normally looks like. He's very fit. Full head of hair. Dude, he's fucking. You know that moment where you step on the scale? He's like, I'm going to lose 10 pounds. That's what he's at right there. He's like, I'll cut.

I get this. I get this. Yeah, he looks fine. That's after a week of drinking. No, no. And then that's three days of not drinking. It was a playoff run. He's like, I get this. I get this. Yeah, he looks fine. That's after a week of drinking. No, no. And then that's one, that's three days of not drinking. It was a playoff run. He's definitely thick.

No, he's fat. He's probably doing a movie, man. It looks like fake cheek fat. Look at that. I think he's getting fat for a movie. It's crazy because he's still so much thinner than Shane and Joe. And Joe? Thanks for including Joe on that.

I'm not fat. Thanks for that. He always likes to say that I'm obese. Because you're obese. Medically. Because I'm short and my BMI makes me obese. It's skyrocketed. So sad.

How much do you weigh, Joe? More than me? 200. I'm 175 inches taller than you. You still weigh more than me. Yeah, but I could kill you with my hands. That helps. I guess that's kind of the only metric that matters.

That really is. That really is. There's a reason for all this muscle. It's to make up for my insecurities. We got that. He admitted it. Finally. I like to be able to kill people.

Like, one-on-one. The shit goes down. It is nice to have. Oh, it's the best. That's why I hate dudes doing jujitsu. I used to just be bigger than everyone. I used to lay on them. You never know now.

You go to a bar fight. Now everybody's doing karate and bullshit. Now you lay on them and they get you with their dick in your mouth while they're triangling you. Do you remember Nashville? Nashville? We were there once and some guy, I forget his name. He's big into Ibogaine. And he was like, he got into a fight and he had to choke somebody out.

It was like some bigger guy. So we were on the road together a long time ago. And he had to choke somebody. He choked him out and then went to the bouncer. He was like, hey, I had to put him to sleep. I'm leaving right now. Because he was pushing his girlfriend, I do remember that. Who was that?

The Jits guy, for sure. Oh, I can't say his name. Yeah, he's a buddy of mine. Yeah, I won't say his name, but yeah. But he's smaller. He was a smaller guy. He was like 165 pounds

and some guy was an asshole and I'm like, this guy's fucking up. He's making a big mistake here. Damn. And then next thing you know, he fucking just strangles that guy. But so calmly, went to the bouncer. So I'm leaving you know, he fucking just strangles that guy. But so calmly,

went to the bounce, was like, so I'm leaving obviously, but I just put a guy to sleep there and checked him out. Whoa. Yeah, that's right. I can learn that with one class

and I won't do it. You know? One class? That's how smart you are? Well, imagine. How long does that take to learn? Years.

Oh, okay. Well, then fuck that. To be competent, but it only takes like six months to be able to handle to learn? Years. Oh, okay. Well, then fuck that. To be competent, but it only takes like six months to be able to handle yourself against most humans. Yeah, in six months. Six months. Yeah, you can be competent enough to handle yourself against most people. I remember Joe List

was taking classes for I think it was about three or four months in. Yeah. And he came to the stand and was like, I've been doing this. I could beat you up. I was like, Joe, I'll fucking kill you. Yeah. Now I think he can do it. He's been doing it for a long time. There's a lot of physics involved.

You're a big guy. That's the big size. It has an impact. It makes a big deal. It takes a while to choke out a big guy. I could take Brad Williams. That would be fun. Hold his head, his hands are swinging.

What if he headbutts you? Oh, then I'm done. That noggin will really kill a man. Fucking just kill a man. You ever kill anybody? No, not yet. I wonder what that feels like. Probably not good. It's probably a horrible feeling. It feels horrible to knock someone out. It's a terrible

feeling. Does it? Yeah, it doesn't feel good. Because it feels like that could have been me and you're like, what am I doing? Right. It's a weird good. Because it feels like that could have been me, and you're like, what am I doing? Right. It's a weird feeling. Even on the mat, though? No, well, in the mat, you choke them out, and that's not that bad. You ever put to sleep? No, I've tapped every time.

I have. Yeah, I've tapped like a thousand times. If someone touches my throat, I'm like, stop, stop, stop, stop. Of course. In class once, in the first bomb squad, it was like we were doing arm triangles and just drills. So it was like, stop, stop, stop, stop. Of course. In class once, first bomb squad, it was like we were doing arm triangles and just drills. So it was like, no, it wasn't that tough. He was like, do I have it? I'm like, you don't have it, man. I'm still

talking to you like it's not there. He goes, let me rearrange. And he was like, I woke up with Eddie standing over me. Wow. I was like, wait, what just happened? It happens all the time in class. It's like a garden hose. Say if you cut the water off a garden hose, you, you bend it and it stops the water flowing, then you open it back up and it flows again.

Yeah. It doesn't have the same damage that, like, getting knocked out does. It's refreshing. Knocked out is terrifying. I got knocked out at a party in college and I pissed myself. And my girlfriend at the time was over me, like, what, are you okay? Your girlfriend was there? And I was like, don't look at my dick.

It's wet. Wait, your girlfriend saw you get knocked out? Yeah, I saw white and just went out on a front lawn. How was the relationship after that? Not good. I started fucking the guy who knocked me out. But, I mean, it was a sucker punch in my defense. Well, that's the problem with sucker punches.

That's why you can't let anybody who's angry get close to you. When people are angry and they get close to you, you either got to push them away from you or grab them. Because when they start doing that, like anybody can get sucker punched. Because like reaction time is so much slower than action time. Action time is like, bang, you could crack somebody. And reaction time, you're in the middle of real life. Shane's like.

Jamie. We got more beers? Can I get one? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry to interrupt. I saw Joe once. I'm not going to say who,

but somebody got in his face. It's just like, you immediately get under hooks. And the guy was like, what the fuck? What's happening? When people don't realize how vulnerable they are, and then they do, there's a moment where there's a look on their face. You're like, oh, my God.

I don't know anything. Yeah. When you just grab their body and just squeeze it and hold on. It's like the moment in school where they bring in signs instead of just like numbers into math. And you're like, oh, I don't know it. What the fuck is that? There's letters now? Yeah.

What's X? Y? Yeah. Well, it's good to know something so you don't have to hurt someone. So like in that situation, I didn't hurt the guy. I just grabbed him and went, listen. But remember when you were a kid, I feel like being...

What were you doing this whole time? Preparing for alcoholism. That's what I am doing. Being knocked out used to be part of childhood, I thought. Well, we thought it was okay. We didn't think it was like... It haunts you for life. I know people that have been knocked...

I know people that have been knocked out. Hey, Jesus! I know people that have been knocked out and they've never been the same again. Really? Yeah, quite a few people. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Joe Biden. Well, he did have fucking serious brain surgery. He was a football player.

I bet he got dinged around a little. What did he play? I bet he does that, too. That was back in the leather helmet days. Oh, my God. When I found out he played football, I liked him a little more. Did you? I think he used to be like a charming guy. Really? I liked him a little more. Did you? I think he used to be

a charming guy. Really? I liked what he was doing. You know what? I'm racist, so I really liked a lot of what he was doing. His entire career. Building prisons and stuff? I don't even know. I like the... Well, the crime bill. I love the crime bill, so I was a big buying guy for a long time.

I love seeing Shane on podcasts talk about stuff, go the opposite way, and then people are like, what's up with somebody? He's like, I'm Joe. I went and did Cigar's podcast, and I sat down and I was just like, I love being in Texas. I love the abortion laws here. But they were good, though.

They got it. They got it 100%. Hey, Jamie, I'm going to send you something else. It's weird how few people get comedy. They're like, what? That's Biden? Biden was a beast, dude. Stop the woods, Mr. Vice President.

But this is before black players. It certainly was because of Biden. Biden was right in the law. Look at this. This is black and white. This is what the fuck? That's actually fast motion. What are these subtitles even saying?

I follow football. I don't know what the fuck they're talking about. Yeah, what is it at the top? Archmere, Biden, BP, seven-man movie. Wow, nice fucking route, dude. Look how slow they are. You want to know something wild? Tell those people before steroids.

My family. Nobody high-stepped. My family, the Gillis family, owned mushroom farms. We were mushroom farmers in Delaware. Like what kind of mushrooms? Just regular mushrooms. Fuck. Now, allegedly, the old legend goes,

a guy delivering corn cobs to the Gillis Mushroom Farm drove a truck into Biden's wife and killed her. Shut up! Oh my god, they did die! His family, his wife, and his child. Allegedly, that's how. Oh my god. What? Man. Sleepy Joe.

Mushroom truck. Oh, listen to this. Play this and give me... Play it from the beginning. Rewind it from the beginning and give me some volume. That was an interesting story. Shane killed Biden. Very interesting.

Shane killed Biden's wife. I thought Joe did it. Watch this. This is crazy. What in God's name is Joe Biden trying to say? It's Australian. No normal expression. Time is money. As one computer said,

if you're on the train and they say portal bridge, you know you better make other plans. Oh, man. It's like watching your friend hit a vaporizer and call his parents. They try to break this down. They try to break this down like a football play. One computer said,

if you're on the train and they say Portal Bridge, you know you better make a call. Nah, local reference. They don't get it in Australia. That's a local reference. Is it? Yeah, for sure. It's so easy to see these things now. You're like, okay, they definitely don't know what Portal Bridge is.

That meant something. We've seen your bitch-ass antibodies. You sure you want to take them? Those are Biden voter antibodies. You got Biden antibodies, dude. I'm not a voter at all. Biden antibodies. The only way to change this is through violent revolution. Wow.

Really? What's that? Go ahead. Yeah, it's pot, bitch. All right. I'm not doing the show tonight. We're doing the show. Fuck that.

We have a show in one hour. I'm not doing the rest of this fucking podcast. We're fine. One little baby hit. It's okay. Don't take it if you're a fucking pussy. Yeah, it's definitely a California pot. Oh, don't pass that over here.

That's the real shit. He did the fucking Clinton. I'm not doing it. He did the Clinton don't hail. I'll go no further. I didn't blow any of your lungs. What are you talking about? Breathe out through your nose, then.

You don't have to do it. Why are you making me do more hits? Hand it to me. I'm falling for it. Yeah, Joe should. Mark has to. I had to do it. I had to do it.

Woo! No, dude, I did it. Spell it. The spelling salts. That's Gavin Newsom weed. That's Joel should have I had to do it. Woo! No, dude, I did it. Spell it. The smelling salts. That's Gavin Newsom weed. That's Newsom. That's the new song. Mmm.

I'm not going on stage. You're done? That one little hit? Quick comedy. Come on. Just one hit, I'm like, oh, shit. I'm alive,

but I won't be forever. No, that's not it. I don't know. Well, this takes that away. You don't know. This takes that away. You got that right. This is immortality. Yeah, booze makes you feel good and weed makes you feel bad. Jesus.

Did you get it? Did you do it right? I did. I did it too right. That's the problem when you cough. By the time you cough, you get extra high. You let more air in. You must know. It was always you're supposed to try to cough to open up the capillaries.

Maybe. Makes sense. If you cough, it fucking lights you up. If we get drugs, you have to do drugs now. What do you mean? Let's do shrooms. Who are you even talking to? Mushrooms are good. Dude, Austin's always a big pill town. Let's do mushrooms.

Okay, cannabis mist. Does coughing make you higher? Okay, creates a big pill town. Let's do mushrooms. Okay, cannabis mist. Does coffee make you higher? Okay, creates a lack of oxygen. The physical act of coughing creates a person to sputter. Their lungs compress, creates a lack of oxygen. It's this momentary lack of oxygen in the brain that can actually heighten the feeling of cannabis high, making its effects more noticeable and your high seem more intense. That sounds like someone who's a scientist that doesn't get high. Because it gets you higher.

It gets you higher. Yeah, it's gets you higher. It gets you higher. Yeah, it's not a myth. It gets you higher. But I wonder if it's, well, the fact that you were coughing means you just took in so much. Right. That's what made you cough. It's not coughing that makes you cough.

It's always bong hits, right? Yeah, yeah, bong. That's what I used to smoke. I used to smoke, we used to smoke gravity bongs all the time. So that was my first experience with weed was just getting launched into outer space. Dude, did you go back and watch the early podcasts? Yeah. We used to have a volcano.

I don't know how this podcast caught on. It's amazing. It was just us fucking quiet. Obliterated. We would get obliterated. I didn't know what I was talking about. And some of the dumbest shit, like when people get in trouble for old clips, I was so high, I didn't even know what I was saying.

We had a bag, like a plastic bag. It would fill up with vapor. It's a balloon. It was great. Yeah, it's this thing. It's called a volcano. Have you ever seen a volcano? So you hit the button, and a fan blows, and it fills this bag up, and then you have like

a socket, and you press the socket, and it's all vapor. Yeah, it's too much. And it's not real smoke, so you don't see a lot coming out of your mouth, so it's deceptive. It's a weird high, too, because you don't, there's something about like the plant fiber the shooting stars yeah the shooting stars it's dope right yeah we spared no expense um but there's something about that high is a different high it's like a more confusing high like you're not as used to it yeah like the vaporize high and i think you just get way more THC because I think it's pure. It's not coming

in on a burning plant rider. Right. When you smoke a joint, you see a bunch of smoke come out. Right. So that's smoke you're not getting. Those vaporizers, it all goes in. It doesn't make, it doesn't hurt your lungs so you can take a way deeper hit. Right. And you just get a, I think it's smaller particles too. Maybe it gets in your

bloodstream quicker. Remember that shit where you'd go with the paper towel holder the roll and you'd go up against the wall and go up. Remember you'd stand up with the guy who was blowing weed in your face. Did you guys do that one? Like they smash into your face? No no no no. You guys are both on your knees. Paper towel.

And then you both go up together and he blows and you stand up and fall right down. You guys never did that? No. Maybe it was a southern thing. Yeah, it was like a shotgun, but it was a paper towel holder. And you would fall down together? New Orleans.

Jamie's shaking his head. He's an old school stoner. You know it? That's like a mix of shotgunning, but the thing where you stand up so fast that you pass out. Yeah, yeah. Those were good times. I never mixed them.

Damn, that was wild you were doing that. Oh, it was the 90s. That's probably what fucked you up. Yeah. Probably what fucked you up so bad. Damn, that was wild you were doing that It was the 90s I think the craziest weed visuals are watching people in Vietnam smoking through the barrel of a rifle What?

They smoke weed One guy will take a big hit and he'll blow it through and the other guy on the other end of the rifle will suck it in and they do it all the time They were doing it all the time in Vietnam Yeah, it would smoke out of the barrel. The best was parties, too, when girls were like, shotgun's under my mouth. And you're like, we're making out for sure.

Yeah. Shotgun's under your mouth. That's step one. Yeah, so these guys, they would use their fucking service rifles. And we couldn't beat Afghanistan? Yeah. So it was a shotgun, actually. This was a nail.

It takes a nail to hit. This was the first Afghanistan. And they would use shotgun, actually. This was a nail. And so it takes a big hit. This was the first Afghanistan. And they would use old grandpa pipes. Damn. Yeah, which is probably a better pipe anyway. It's cool. Right? So look at this.

Oh, my God. Whoa. So he blows on it, and the other guy on the other end. This was it. This is what I was doing at a party. Wow. Look at that. That's wild.

So he blows on the pipe, and then the other end is just fucking streamlining into these guys. Talk about camaraderie. You'll be friends with these guys forever. Well, or 20 minutes. Yeah. Is this your leg or Tony's leg? This is so ballsy to do this in the middle of the jungle. How do you know you're not going to sniper?

Well, you don't. I think they were accepting the warm embrace of death. Just running their last days out. Probably, man. Imagine when you're over there and then you get older and you realize you went over there for no reason. For nothing. It's about the guy next to you. Friends who died, and then you went over there for what?

Like a fake attack on America that they called the Gulf of Tonkin incident. The Gulf of Tonkin incident the Gulf of Tonkin incident would never never really took place they pretended the North Vietnamese attacked us so they had to go over there and they were fighting against communism and so Americans died and then years and years later the Freedom of Information Act comes out and they realized that there was no real event and then it's just bullshit. Do you remember that senator? Is this a history lesson? Sorry. Do you remember that senator?

Oh, dude, you didn't like that. You're right. I'm joking. I got a little high. Nice going, Mark. I was a little verbose there. I didn't want to hurt you. What's your problem, Mark?

I felt it when you did it. You come in here, you act like a fucking jerk. The reason why it stung is I knew my story was boring. No, it's a good story. It's a fun fact. It stung.

It stung. You got me. There was a senator who ran on, did a bunch of time as senator, ran on the fact that he was a hero. And then it came out and he was like, hey, I can't hide this anymore.

I thought he was from Boston. I raped and killed a bunch of people. Oh, hold on a second. You guys missed what Ari just said. Say that again? There was some senator who was like, he was a Vietnam hero. And then it comes out later.

He's like, no, I raped and killed a bunch of people. Oh, what a bitch. What a lying bitch. Oh my God, really? He resigned after that. He just couldn't take it anymore? Yeah,

but he was like 20, 30 years in the Senate as like this hero, but the whole time it was just like that. Yeah, but remember when

Al Franken almost touched that lady's boobs? That was serious. That was for real. That was serious. Pronouns. Not like war. He's fucking dorks nowadays.

Can't take the slightest nothing. That was back when Al Franken was a comedian too and not a senator. He was on a USO tour thing. Yeah, he does the cellar all the time. He does the cellar a lot. Does he?

Yeah. I hate it. Legitimately? Yeah, he does like 45 minutes. You don't like when he goes down? He hates it. He goes on forever. What do you mean?

He does too long. All these people who bump, they do too long. Oh, they bump. Why don't they just call? Bump and work on one joke. He stopped bumping, apparently. He stopped. All you have to do is call.

All you gotta do is call. Aziz started calling. I always just called. Louie calls. Louie gets a spot. Everybody gets a spot. Beautiful. Why are you jumping in?

Yeah, you used to always do it. He doesn't know. Well, I remember. He's an alien senator. Ari, you and I have talked about that. I've seen you get bumped a bunch of times. Sorry about that. I got bumped when I first started, and we talked about it.

I was like, I'm never doing that. I'm not doing that. We saw this guy bump four days in a row, and I remember Rogan, already fear factor Rogan, like pretty big, going like, I call in. It's his fourth day in a row. He knows he's coming. Why aren't you calling? It's not hard to call.

It's not hard to call. But it's a thing where you earn that right to bump, and you used to watch all these guys come in and bump, and there's a thing that people wanted it was like encouraging the culture I think before we started talking about it I think it was encouraged to be a guy who got so big that you could

bump everybody wanted to be a guy and there was a few people that would bump that really shouldn't have been bumping remember those like real fucking fringe on a WB show that no one's watching no one's like I No one's like, I call Franky tonight! Oh, you gotta follow Franky? God damn. That's a tough follow. He does a full

history report. He does a long time. It was going a while. I think he's gotten better, I've heard. I think it was just no one told him what the deal was. I liked it. The problem is he was doing like, senator impressions of guys from like, the Oklahoma Republican. He was like, are you sure of this? And it's a crowd, the seller crowd's like 20-year-old girls from NYU.

30% of them know what the fuck he's talking about. They're just like, I guess that's an impression. Right. We remember when Dennis Miller would say a bunch of crazy shit that like no one could know. Yeah. And people would laugh. It would be like the most obscure references about like the 1400s.

He had a tone. That was a funny reference. You had to know what he was saying or you were a fucking loser. Is. He had a tone, though. It was a funny reference. You had to know what he was saying, or you were a fucking loser. I'm talking about Arafat, babe. And you're like, that sounds pretty good. I was on a plane with Norm MacDonald once just randomly, and he sat next to me and goes, you know, he doesn't even know any of that stuff. He's like, yeah.

He just fucking finds out and writes it down, and he just says it. It's not like he knows it. Norm on the Dennis Miller show is unreal. Yeah, he's unreal. There's some great clips. Of him on Dennis Miller? My hero, yeah. Isn't it the most Norm thing ever to not tell everybody that you were dying of cancer and

then just die? What a G. What a G. Badass. God damn. A total Norm move, too, right? Yeah, where's your sympathy from everybody? Fuck off.

He got canceled. He got to put that card on the table. Cancer! Motherfucker. And he didn't. And he didn't even tell his best friends. He said he was going to Canada to take care of his mom. He didn't tell me either. He told Adam Egan he's got a big race coming for him. Didn't tell Adam.

That's the last joke. What? Genius comic though god damn he was so unique in his the way he expressed himself how he was really thinking

like the way he would like he would say something fucked up to you in the green room he would say the exact same thing on stage it was just like and he would say

he had this way of looking at things that was absolutely unique to him yeah he bombed a good bit, too. He did. He took chances. Which must have been so fun to watch. I never saw him bomb.

Caroline's ones, fucking throwing down one. God, it was like he just didn't care. I saw the Caroline's, too. Didn't care. He got heckled. He was drinking a Coca-Cola, and he got heckled, and he was like, I don't want to do this. I'm just going to go back to my act. And that was it. Completely randomly. Just like, don't feel like it right now. I could. Don't want to do this. I'm just going to go back to my act. And that was it. Completely randomly.

Just like, don't feel like it right now. I could. Don't want to. Completely randomly. Two times in my life I sat next to him on a plane. Just totally random. Remember that Vancouver ransom at the airport? Yep.

Once in Vancouver and once somewhere else. And the last one, he was talking about, yeah, I quit smoking. He was telling me how he quit smoking. Yeah, it was hard. It was really hard to quit. And I did it. And, you know, fucking smoke, it's terrible for you. So we land.

He walks as fast as he can off the plane right into one of those stores and buys a pack of cigarettes. And he's opening up. And he's got one in his mouth as he's out the door. He went on for an hour about how it's terrible for you. He's so glad he's out over it. So I'm outside with him. I go, what are you doing? I thought you quit smoking.

He goes, yeah, but all that fucking talking about it. I wanted a cigarette. So was he being funny or was he just a you doing? I thought you quit smoking. He goes, yeah, but all that fucking talking about it. I wanted a cigarette. So was he being funny or was he just a weirdo? No, no, no. He was just a genius. Did drive, right? Did he not drive? Just invited people to go do tennis and stuff.

So he'd be like, pick me up on the way. His brain was just wired different. Yeah. It was just wired different all the time. But he just decided, well, let's smoke. I mean, he couldn't light it quick enough on the way out the door. I'm going to go smoke a cigarette. What?

Talking about cigarettes? You got to piss? No, I was talking about cigarettes. I got to piss. Go outside. I was going to warn you about that. No one's peed in this room. Please don't.

I have. I already have. Not in this one. Yes, I have. This one? The last time I was here. Look at that bucket right there. There's this one. Yes. I have this one You need to have an orange

Dude I had a good one the other one we all went to we all went to a Halloween parade dressed as Batman me Sal Christy DeRosa everybody's a gay story. I had a piece so fucking bad. There's no you're in a fucking You're in a parade go left and I just used the, hey. You're in a parade. Go left. And I just used the Batman cape, found a cup on the floor, and just pissed into it. I saw the video. I liked it. I liked it on Instagram. I was like, oh. You got to make it happen. You got to make it happen.

Yeah. Yeah. I used to have these kombucha bottles. He would fill a kombucha bottle, and then he was like, fuck, I can't hold it. Like, he was going to completely get so we had to run and get him a second bottle. Second bottle. Damn. I had to run out of the studio, get him a second bottle and come in

and I had to take his warm bottle of piss and screw the cap onto it. Because you're a friend, Joe. I'm a friend. And who would drink it? I'm not scared to pee either. Kombucha, it's not that different from piss. Look at you. That's how Batman pissed. Hey, boy, you guys look good.

We had a 16-person Batman group. How shit-faced are you? So shit. Those are the tool belts. We're working tool belts. We put shot glasses in them. Look at Joe. Man, Joe's off-putting.

He looks so hammered. DeRosa is trashed. Look how much I filled it up. That's my piss. Wow. Now, how do you get rid of it? It's shown right here That's 6th Avenue

That's 6th Avenue Kids everywhere You're just hanging around with that jug of piss There's a COVID resource link Look at that comment It says why is there a COVID resource link On this video LOL it's a guy peeing in a cup.

Somebody said this is his vaccine. Something like that. Something that small. Really? Is there really a COVID? Oh my God, look at that. Visit the COVID-19 information center. Oh my God, that's insane.

They got to get their word out. So it must be an algorithm. That's it. That's it. I hope they're vaccinated. It's about the kids I was paying in front of. Oh my God. Why do they do that?

They always put a COVID warning on the Instagram videos. This might be misinformation. Anything you say that has- Because Christie is fucking making a joke. Yeah, let me make a joke. Stop putting a warning. I hope they're vaccinated. It's like, oh, that's misinformation.

Isn't that crazy? Do you know the UK is about to, well, they're trying to pass a law called, I think it's like the online safety bill. What is that? I'll Google it here. It's what they're, essentially, they're trying to do is they're trying to pass a law where they can put you in jail for, it says trolls. Is this Australia? If you cause psychological harm, which is like so, so.

All I do is troll. Exactly. I can never move to the UK, though. Here's the thing. It's so subjective. Like, what is psychological harm? Now, I don't think this has passed yet, and maybe people are realizing that, but jail time for trolls.

Troll is fun. But they're calling emotional, psychological, obviously physical harm is actually a problem. Sure. But I don't know how you do that online anyway. You could say you could make a person do something physical to themselves, which people have already been convicted of, like cyberbullying through text messages and stuff, telling people

to kill themselves. People have already gotten in trouble for that, but this is weird. It says threat. The problem is it's like super subjective. The way they're leaving it right now. Here's one. Knowingly false communications. Okay, so imagine. But you're tongue-in-cheek. But hold on. Sorry, go ahead. Imagine if this was

ten months ago when you weren't allowed to bring up the lab leak theory for COVID. And so you wrote it, the lab leak theory is real. And then they put you in fucking jail. And then they find out when you're doing two years in jail that actually Fauci lied and it might have come out of a fucking lab. Yeah, it'd almost be like saying the Earth was round.

Remember those people who sued us back then? All the shit that he had to do. Yeah, that's how this works. The Earth's the center of the universe. Don't kill me. We're ruled by dorks. We're ruled by dorks. We're ruled by dorks.

They don't like internet comments. They're going, we're bending over backwards for the retards in our society. Michael Malice is fucked. Hey, that's bad, but this is way worse because what this is is the potential for the government to step in and say that what you're doing is causing people harm so they can just lock you up and put you in jail. So you're making fun of Joe Biden, and you're making fun of Joe Biden,

and people say, well, this causes harm to elderly people because you're talking about old guys shitting his pants and forgetting where he lives. If we get to that point where anything people say that's remotely offensive, or most of what's on Reddit or Fortune, it's all fun. They're saying mean shit,

and they're doing it to make each other laugh. First of all, you're going to lose Scotland. Keep doing this. Scotland's gone. Because they do a lot of that, right? Yeah, Scotland's like, we already won out. This is fucking ridiculous. Yeah, that guy camped Ancula.

Right, exactly. I was a skeptic. We had a whole thing where he just taught his dog how to do the high lift, or to fuck with his girlfriend. It's not hard. You were grabbing the back of a dog's elbow, and you could how to do the high lift or to fuck with his girlfriend. It's not hard. You were grabbing the back of a dog's elbow and you could make him do the high lift. Over and over again.

You trained him. Smart dog. Really? Yeah. And then they said you owe us fines and put you in jail. I'll try it. Because it's harm. Yeah, yeah.

That's great. But your dog was never laying on its back. You pulled the back of its elbow up to give him a high lift. Yeah, they go like this. They go from here to like. Their wrist has to extend. So, you know, you get a nice golden retriever or something. The whitest dog.

Get a German shepherd. That's what I have. I got the whitest dog. You're one of the whiter guys I know. He's the sweetest. They're the best dogs ever. But yeah, he got arrested. They were cuffing him.

Arrested. They cuffed him. He's leaving his house in cuffs after he made his dog... A golden retriever? No, no, no. He made his pug. Countdangula. That's cute. He made his pug do the to Schreiber? No, no, no. He made his pug. Countdangula. That's cute.

He made his pug do the Hitler. That's a fun, hilarious joke. Listen, he's not saying that Hitler was right. He's not saying kill the Jews. Wow. He's doing a gag. He had some good points. What if he made his dog do something that made it look like Genghis Khan?

Would that be okay? That'd be fine. Genghis Khan's fine. He killed 50 million fucking people. Genghis Khan's fine. God. It's crazy. Stalin's fine. Stalin's fine. God. It's crazy. Stalin's fine.

Stalin's fine. Yeah, that's right. Stalin's somehow fine. Isn't that wild? How is that? There's a quote. I like that one. There's a quote, kill a million people and it's Stalin.

Kill a million people and it's a story. Kill one person, it's a tragedy. Yeah. That's good. Statistic. He does it the other way around, though. He does it the other way around. What is it? It says kill one person, it's a tragedy. Kill a million people. It's a statistic. It's good. Statistic. He does it the other way around, though. He does it the other way around. What is it?

It says kill one person is a tragedy. Kill a million people. It's a statistic. It's a statistic. Yeah. That makes sense. And it's true. It's something about big numbers that weird us out, and we lose connection.

When you think about how big the universe is, your brain just goes, I'm out. Yeah, but you know what I do with the big numbers? That book, that Bloodlands book? I'm scared to read that book, dude. What's that? Shout out Bloodlands. It's just a book about what happened between the Soviets and the Nazis in Ukraine and Poland and Belarus and all that.

But they give you statistics the whole time. And every time, you got to just visualize a stadium. Because I know how much a college football stadium is. You know what I mean? 50,000, 80,000. Yeah, yeah. You go in, you see 80,000 people. Right.

And then you imagine like, today we got killed. You know? Yeah. That's how many people. I can visualize humans in college football stadiums. That helps. Jesus Christ. Speaking of stadiums, I'll be at the Wilbur Theater

December 9th. Get to visit ryshafer.com. The Wilbur in Boston? The Wilbur? That's a great room. I did my last special there. I fucking loved it.

Did you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did Strange Times there. I love it there. Well, local boy makes good. You know that shit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember they wanted

you to go to Alaska? And you're like, all right, they want me to go to Alaska. Should I do that? Should I do a special? And I'm like, what's the other option? You're like, the best club in the country. And you're like, Ari, they want me to go to Alaska. Should I do that? Is it a special? And I'm like,

what's the other option? You're like, the best club in the country. And you're like, what are we talking about? And you're like, yeah, I'm going to Denver. And then Comedy Central called me and your manager

was like, thanks for ruining our vacation, Ari. Yeah, they all wanted to go to Alaska. The idea was we were going to film it in Alaska because I want to go

somewhere where I never go. I only went once there with Ari. We went fishing. It was a lot of fun. And we went on this, what was it? The Bear something? Bear Theater.

What? Bear Claw. It's all bear over there. Yeah, it was fucking Anchorage. Anchorage is surprisingly interesting. It's like a bunch of really cool people. They're more resilient because they have to deal with ridiculous weather. Bears.

They're all runaways too. They run away from the law and move up there. The children of that. Horrific. Not all of them man And they're like hardy That's us That's you and me buddy What year is that?

435 weeks ago 435 weeks ago Holy shit dude That was you? 2013 buddy You look like hell. What happened, man? Damn.

Look how young you were. Well, he was young. You looked 14. It was 39. It was weeks ago. You looked 14. I was 39, 38, something like that. Yeah, that was a long fucking time ago.

Oh, yeah, we had caught this crazy king sand. We saw a fucking moose. We saw a moose, yeah. We saw eagles. Were there a lot of mosquitoes? Oh, my God. You've never seen anything like it. I don't want to go there for the mosquitoes.

You couldn't breathe. We rented a car, and we figured we'll get out of the car and spray ourselves down with the mosquito repellent. Bullshit. We fucking opened the car door, and there was like 100 mosquitoes inside the car. I'm not going there. I'm not going. It was nuts.

It was nuts. What about the sunlight? Does that go? When we were there, it never got dark. Yeah. Whoa. It was one of those. That's weird.

It was so cool. It was three in the morning. We were outside. It was like four in the afternoon. Did it fuck up your circadian? We were there, it never got dark. Yeah. Whoa. It was one of those. That's weird. It was so cool. It was three in the morning. We were outside. It was like four in the afternoon. Did it fuck up your circadian? We were there for two days. We were there for two days. I remember we were like-

We were drunk the entire time. After the first day, we were like, let's go to sleep. I'm like, should we walk around a little? He's like, yeah, you're right. It's fucking midnight and bright light out. We just walked around. Yeah, you can drink your way out of mosquitoes. I don't know about that.

So you don't feel them. They're just drunk up those. It's an interesting attitude those people have. They're like different humans. Yeah. Because they don't feel it They're gonna drunk up this It's an interesting attitude Those people have They're like different humans Yeah Cause like they're Americans But they're not

They're like They live on an outpost They're like cool people They're like They have the same culture essentially But they're way more resilient They got Mongol blood Yeah

Right They're just heartier And the people that move there Are the people that like Cherish those kind of communities Right Where people are just They know how to fucking You fucking start fires in the rain.

You know, Ari's going out to piss. Is that how you do it? You don't say anything? Yeah, he does. Well, otherwise he pisses in here. Yeah, we don't want that. I'm happy he's outside. I can't believe he's already pissed in this room.

I thought I was going to preserve it. I was thinking that today. I was like, I should tell him, don't pee in the room. He pees everywhere. He is a motherfucker, dude. He'll pee in church. He's like the opposite of Ellen, though. Ellen, everybody thought was a sweetheart.

She ended up being a nightmare. Everybody thinks Ari's a fucking nightmare. Great guy. He's behind the scenes a little sweetheart. I've been friends with Ari since he was an open mic or working as a door guy. He still hasn't gotten better at comedy, but just like- How has he not gotten better? He went a little trump there... How has he not gotten better? He went a little

Trump there. How is he? Honestly, this guy... I can't do it with the headphones. You can do it. You got it. You had it. Ari Shaffir, what a loser this guy is. Yes! He's 68. He's

70 years old, this guy. They tell me how old he is. He can't be this old He is this old That's amazing That's great That's amazing That's amazing That's very good

We gotta get you and Dunnigan Him doing Biden You doing Trump together Dunnigan's Biden is impeccable But his Trump is cartoonish That's like an accurate Trump That's dead on Who's the best Trump impersonator in the country?

There's gotta be a guy What about James Adomian? I think I heard his. He's good. He's got it? He's really good at impressions. I like Alec Baldwin. Oh, you know what?

Alec Baldwin was okay. He was okay until he shot my aunt. What the heck did he do? He shot a lady on accident. That damn armorer. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Bad stuff all around. I'm a firearm enthusiast. Uh-oh. I'm a firearm enthusiast. Uh-oh. I know a lot about firearms. I don't know a lot compared to gun nuts, but compared to regular people, I know a lot. You never point a gun at somebody. That's the number one rule, right? You don't even point.

If you have a gun, if you're on a set, if somebody... What was that? What was that again? I thought somebody else did it, but it was on. I was looking up something. What was it? It was just cheering? Cheering. I thought somebody else did it, but it was on. I was looking up something. What was it? It was just cheering. Oh, it was just playing.

Good points. You thought somebody else was imitating crowd cheering? Oh, the other Trump. He was doing the conversation. I want to see that. I thought it was good, too. But I just, you don't point the gun. Then you always look at it.

Like, if someone gives you a gun, you always open up the chamber. You look at it. You always point it down on the ground. You never point it towards a person, and I don't even think a live round is even ever supposed to be on the set. There should have been many steps

in play that prevented that from happening. Apparently she hated Hillary, that lady. Did you see that whole conspiracy thing? No, seriously. She hated Hillary. Pull it up. I think it was the body count, the Hillary Clinton body count. Yeah, and she knew all this shit about Hillary, and they're like, oh, she's going to come out with it, and then they shot her.

Apparently it's the Clinton body count. They killed Nipsey, dude. Nipsey Russell? Oh, really? Nipsey Hussle. They killed him. You think Hillary- Fauci killed Nipsey Hussle.

Really? And Ralphie May. Google it. And Ralphie May. By the way, dude, that was your metric for I'm not that fat? I'm not Ralphie May. That's a good point. I was on your side. I took a piss and thought about it.'m not Ralphie Mae. That's a good point. I went and took a piss and thought about it.

That's a good point. That's a good point. You can't come against me. I was on your side. I'm fat. There's only one burger left. No, you're not fat. Yeah, but you're overweight.

You're overweight. Person of size. Yeah, I'm obese. Yeah, he's obese. He's got to be obese, too. Oh, yeah, I'm obese. Even with his height. 100%.

Yeah. BMI, not good. 6'3"? I'd have to be like 190 to not'm obese. Yeah, he's obese. He's got to be obese, too. Oh, yeah, I'm obese. Even with his height. 100%. Yeah. BMI, not good. 6'3"? I'd have to be like 190 to not be obese. No, not be overweight, 190. Obesity is like 225. Oh, that's good. So how do you figure in like thick people?

Yeah, how do you figure in thick guys? First of all, 98% of people go like, oh, I work out. Don't work out. That's not the issue. You're the outlier. But how about a person who's born that way? Like a Samoan man. Samoan men with their fucking wide shoulders, wide bones.

Those dudes are heavy as fuck just from just living. Your stomach is not wide-boned. My stomach's not that wide. How much of your stomach is your weight? What do you weigh right now? Shut up, Tubby. Here's BMA. Holy, that's a lot of numbers.

I think I have to weigh 160 pounds. 169? This is girls. Yeah, I'm obese. Damn it. What's the girls chart? Oh, BMI. What is the girls chart?

What? But the thing is- No, 63, 169 is not obese. The chart is nuts. No, no, this is not right. It doesn't factor in muscle at all. What are the colors? What matters is your fucking body fat.

The percentage of your body fat shows if you're obese. This one's way wrong, dude. 6'3", 169 is not. That's underweight. That's not obese. This is like from the 50s. This is a, you got a bad one. Do you know that an average woman.

That might be a girl one. An average woman from 2021 is heavier than an average man from 1970? I heard that, yeah. No, that's not true. I heard that. I think I made that up. It's definitely worse. There's something like that. I might have fucked that up. Can you Google that?

The average woman from 2021 is as heavy as the average man from 1960 or 70? It's gotta be true. It's true. People that have extra money for gotta be true. I don't know. It's true I have extra money for fucking extra food. I feel like I fuck seconds I feel like there's a caveat there that I'm missing. Well McDonald's used to be a treat. Yeah, it's every day It probably was different than it was different. Yeah, that's true. Probably didn't have GMO bread. All right

Well, look sorry our Empire succeeded so much that we're fat now. We're doing it's a good. This is good It is a good stuff. Well fat in our dicks are shrinking. That's true. It's all right. Fetus sizes are going down. Fetus sizes are going down? I've been doing a lot of research. What?

It's real, yeah. Yeah, gooch drinks. Dr. Shanna Swan. What, lack of use? No, it's plastics. The use of petrochemical plastics has polluted people's bodies. So are you off water bottles? Yeah, that's what we started.

Well, also for recycling. Yeah, it's way better for the environment. Started doing metal. Wait, did you do the recycling stuff before you realized your gooch would shrink? Yeah, way before. I realized the gooch was shrinking pretty recently. We got daughters. I had a lady on here that freaked me out.

Well, it's your taint that shrinks. What? It's not like in Next Generation. It's like your current dick gets smaller? It's the children of parents who are, the parents get these phthalates in their body, and the woman has the phthalates in their body while the child is inside of her, and then the kids are showing developmental issues in terms of their hormones and sexuality. Like they're – not sexual, but they're sexual organs.

They're saying that sperm counts have radically decreased, miscarriages have increased, and the size of men's taints has shrunk. Taints? Yeah. A taint apparently, according to this woman, Dr. Shanna Swan, is the best indication in mammals of whether or not it's a male or female. Because you know, they're looking at it, what is that? You look at the size between the sex organ and the asshole.

In a male, it's always 50% to 100% larger. Well, in male humans, it's getting smaller. The same thing happens in animals. When they introduce phthalates, these plastics, they fuck with your development. And there's a lot of them, man. Wow. It's weird how little skin is between. You showing him your dick?

What did you just do? He was pointing, but it was his middle finger. I didn't notice it for a while. It's weird how little skin is between a woman's showing him your dick? What did you just do? He was pointing, but it was his middle finger. I didn't notice it for a while. It's where that little skin is between a woman's vagina and butthole. Like, if I was a lady, I'd be way self-conscious

about that. Right. The woman's taint is much smaller than a male's taint. But that's a good thing. They get one hand in the both. Our taints are all...

We're eventually going to be like a duck. We're going to have a cloaca. We're going to have one hole for everything. I'd love to have a fat, fucking thick cloaca. That's it.

Cloaca. All cloacas. In high school to have one hole for everything. I'd love to have a fat fucking thick cloaca. That's it. All cloacas. Black chick. Whose bit was it? You or Dyson? It's a bit about fucking so hard you just have one giant pussy and asshole together. I think that's Bob

Newhart. Dyson's a guy. There's a guy who's still doing it exactly the way he always did it. I love it. Love it, Dyson. You go to see him right now. There is no consideration at all for a changing of the times. His material is still Dyson Clay.

He's still doing that character. It's fucking hilarious. It makes it better. It's so much fun. When he comes to the stand and he performs there and you just, have you gone down there and watched it? No. Dude, he'll pull a chair up to the front row and be like, what are you looking at, bitch?

Some lady in the front row. And you're just like, holy shit, dude. Mean Dice is my favorite Dice. It makes it better. Mean Dice is great. He used to go on when we were like, no crowd left. The Comedy Store just goes until zero people are there or 2 a.m. And there were two people in the audience. And he came in and he's like, yeah, I'll go on. I was like, no, left. The Comedy Store just goes until zero people are there or 2 a.m. And there were two people in the audience.

And he came in. He's like, yeah, I'll go on. I was like, no, there's only two people. And he's like, I said I'll go on. He just went on for like an hour for two people. I've never seen a guy less concerned with how he did on stage. Really? We did that out?

Him and Hicks. Hicks, in the early days, I saw him bomb once, and he didn't give a fuck. But never seen anything like Dice. Dice literally gives zero fucks when he's on stage. But is that good? I don't know. You want to get laughed,

right? Sometimes, but also he would do it for a meta thing. He would go to the comics and be like, come watch me. Let's see how long I can go

before I even say anything that makes any sense. Yeah. Just to entertain the four or five people in the back. Right. He's like,

yeah, so I'm at the thing today and the guy, you know, the guy's always coming up and they're like, yeah, it's like, what are you going to do? You know, but anyway, so this guy comes up.

And you're like, what are you even saying? He just keeps it going. He went out to a thing where he wanted to go the longest he could without saying anything. Ha! Remember that? Uh-huh. He wouldn't talk at all. He was like, eek, eek, eek.

Move around. And he just fucking sometimes would just stare there stare at the people no one knew what to do he went for minutes he's a great troll oh my god

yes they would lock him up in the UK for sure for sure psychological harm he had David Taylor open up for him

because he was like they won't like this you know and anyway he did whatever he did and then he's like alright I'm done

but Dice just goes like this just stretch so he starts doing a Dice like intro he's like this next guy is a wonderful comic he's like, alright, I'm done, but Dice just goes like this, just stretch. So he starts doing a Dice intro. He's like, this next guy is a wonderful comic. He's just like this. Shakespeare once said that Dice is like, he just keeps going. People start booing David. They start booing

him right now. He just goes like, uh-huh, uh-huh. He just loved it. That's hilarious. He loved the mayhem. You ever had a bomb? What's the worst bomb? I bombed in Kalamazoo for 20,000 people. What? 20 minutes of silence. What? I could hear people like,

what is this? 20,000 people? Seinfeld? No, Schumer gig years ago, Kalamazoo. Brutal. Wait, Schumer's crowd didn't get you? Well, it was just like, we started late, but you gotta go on. They were half-seated.

This guy's not, like, a slut. Yeah, there was a lot of that. I came here to talk about being a slut. They hated it. I'm wasted. I want you to do Trump talking to Amy. She's a fat pig. She's a disgusting...

Oh my god. Guys, that's Donald Trump! She's a disgusting... Oh, my God. Guys, that's Donald Trump. That's how Trump would. That's not Shane. That's Donald Trump. That's how Trump would. Trump, Trump, right, right. I think Amy's great.

This is six Bud Lights in, ladies and gentlemen. I just want to point that out. Oh, I'm just joking. If I met Amy, I'd be like pumped to meet her. She killed, but they hated me. It happens. 20,000 people. Yeah, silence.

That is a tough one Jesus Christ What's the hardest you've ever Bombed going after somebody though That's almost like It's like a logistics bomb That was great You know what I mean Jessica Kirsten will kill so hard sometimes

They don't even know what you're doing They're like we want that again. She kills. Really? You picked a lady. She's funny. She kills. Interesting choice, Mark. Alright, let's see. Who's a guy that kills that's hard to follow? That slays like that.

Yeah, I'm trying to think. Brad. You can't follow Brad. Brad Williams? Yeah. Really? It's so hard. You't follow Brad. Brad Williams? Yeah. Really? It's so hard. You're too tall. It's so hard. It's like a different.

You got tall privilege. It's like multiple standing ovations. It's crazy. And then you go on to like, who the fuck are you? Especially if he plays music. I haven't seen him do that. Oh my God. I followed him once.

He had confetti and music. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were doing a show at the Improv. I want to say it was like some kind of a festive show. There was something about it. It wasn't like a regular show. But Brad was on stage.

He was doing cartwheels. There was fucking glitter and confetti. He was getting shot into the air. It was crazy. Confetti was or he was? Yeah, I think someone was on with him, too. I can't remember who was with him. But there was like one other comic was on stage with him.

They were having fun. It was like a thing they were doing. And I remember walking on stage and I was like, Jesus Christ. People make a mistake with Brad and with Bridget Everett. They're like, well, maybe they're not as big as other comics. We'll put them in the middle. It's like, don't do that. Put them at the end.

No one follows Bridget. No one follows Brad. Oh, Greer Barnes. Greer is a tough one. That's a tough follow. He is the standard. I remember Michelle saying, can you follow Greer or not? If you can't, then shut up.

Right. It's hard. I did a lot of gigs with him back in the day. We did colleges together way back in the 90s. Wow. Yeah. He's a funny dude. Funny guy.

He's been around quite a long time. Yeah. Solid professional. The hardest I've ever bombed was going on after Jim Brewer. Oh. Oh, my God. Early in my career, like in the early 90s jim and i did this gig and outside of the city i forget like 40 minutes outside the city i forget the sit the

the town it was in and uh we did like uh thursday through sun thursday through saturday and thursday was fine friday was fine saturday first show was fine but saturday first show was fine. But Saturday, second show, he caught a fucking wave. And dude, he was, you know how you do like a whole weekend and you just get loose as fuck? You know, you do, you're already four shows in. Saturday night show is like always the funnest. You're in the groove, man. Right? Like that was the most we ever got to perform.

Like if during the week you'd get like a 15 minute here a 10 minute set here you'd get a bunch of sets but to be able to do a solid half an hour in front of a a really excited crowd on a saturday night so i went on after him and i was terrified and i'm in the back and he's doing this bit about his mom being drunk and i know him coming home and he's he's drunk and he sees his mom and it's a fucking hilarious but he's murdering and he sees his mom. And it's a fucking hilarious bit. He's murdering. And I'm going over all my bits, going, oh, my God, that bit sucks. That bit sucks.

I was terrified. And I went up and just ate shit. Oh, yeah. Just plates of shit. I was supposed to do 45. I bailed at 35. Wow. You just feel like sweat.

You know when you're feeling your feet on the stage like, this is going to be bad. It was the worst. You know walking up. But it was a wake-up call on the stage like, this is going to be bad. You know walking up. But it was a wake-up call. It's like, you've got to tighten up your shit. Sometimes you keep the same act for too long, and you don't do an inventory of it. You don't do an audit of it. Going, okay, would I laugh at this?

Do I have these same bits for a long time just because I'm comfortable saying them this way because that's how I've been saying them? Is this the right way to do it? What is it like for the audience? When you see someone murder and then you bomb and you realize this is a confidence thing. It's also I don't have confidence in my material.

Why don't I have confidence in my material? Because it's not ready. It's not right. Let's fix it. So I had to go through all my shit and fix it. They just want the juice. They want the peanuts, not the trail mix. They don't want all the bullshit. Well, they also want... The audience, they also want you to be better. When you go on after someone that's really good, that was the thing that Mitzi always used to do.

If you were an up-and-coming comic, she would throw you on after someone who's really good. Because it forces you to reevaluate your act. If you're that guy who gets that 9-15 spot every night, like, mwah, it's perfect. It's easy peasy. Yeah, it's easy peasy. People are, like, a little lubed up. You're the third guy. It's the. It's easy peasy. Yeah, it's easy peasy. People are a little lubed up. You're the third guy. It's the best spot.

But if you're going on after a bunch of murderers, man, and you're a new person, like you've only been doing comedy four or five years. Freddie did this to me once, Freddie Soto. Oh, he was a murderer. I was getting better and starting to feel confident. So he told Eleanor, I'm going to go Barry Ari. So he just crushed for 12 minutes. And then it was like, hey, please welcome Ari.

This next guy's great. Just eat a dick while he's back there laughing at how bad I'm doing. Eleanor, they're all laughing, and I can't get them. Yeah, it's hard. Comedy used to have more of that. Like, let me bury this guy. Let me show this guy what's what. Well, there's a benefit to both people.

Yes. It's a real benefit to the guy who gets buried. He's the one that hurts him the most, but some of my best moments in my comedy career have been like growth after bombing. Right. Like realizing that I bombed and then going, oh, Jesus Christ. Can't let that happen again. Yeah. It was too painful

and also I knew it was my fault. I wasn't prepared. I wasn't ready. I wasn't amped up. I wasn't enthusiastic. I took it too light or I was nervous. There was a bunch of different factors that it could be. Yeah. One thing that's nice at the cellar, like one time I got there and Louie bumped me.

Louie was in the hallway and I was like, oh, fuck. The cats? Yeah, big Louie cats. Anderson? Fuck down the hammer. Louie Anderson. No, it was Louie CK. And I got there and I was like, oh, fuck.

I got to follow you. And he was just like, that's good. Yeah. The cellar is actually kind of nice. It's a small room. Yeah. So if you follow a famous person. You can ride it.

Everybody's just happy. That's what Jay said. The whole room is just like. How many people is the cellar? 180? 180? No. The main cellar?

Google is nothing. Yeah, I think it's 180. Not even close to 180. I think it's Googleable. What do you The main center? It Googles nothing. Yeah, I think it's 180. Not even close to 180. I think it's Google-able. What do you think it is? Give it a Google. I think it's close to like 110. No, I think it's 180.

It's small. Boston Comedy was even smaller than that, if I remember right. That was a small room. That was a tiny-ass room. I bombed in there many times. That was a rough one. Oh, yeah. If you didn't get them, like I wasn't good enough for small rooms, if that makes any

sense. Like I needed a little fake momentum. Yeah, bigger crowds are easier, but then if it's too big, it's another animal. Right, because then they're not connected to you, so they don't feel bad if they don't laugh. Exactly. 150. Small capacity, but that's a capacity of a round.

This is not like a fucking census. This is somebody wrote something. It's so small. Somebody wrote that. The seller? Yeah. Why don't you text the people that run it? I did, I just texted them. Oh, okay. Well's so small. Somebody wrote that. Yeah. Why don't you text the people that run it? I did. I just texted them. Oh, okay. Well, don't be mad at me.

Liz, yeah. How many sellers do they have now? They have the Comedy Underground, and they have the Cellar, right? And the Fat Black. Fat Black, Fat Black Side Room. How many? What is the biggest one? The Village Underground.

How many is that? That's 250? Yeah, it's like a club. That's our main room. Then the Comedy Cellar is the biggest one Village Underground how many is that that's 250 yeah it's like a club that's our main room 240 then the comedy store is the OR is that where Bobby did his special Miss Dougal is 124

Joe List did his special there 124 oh I was way off 124 is nice that's a nice room yeah packed 124 packed

packed that's what Jay said it was like somebody like pussed out of like following somebody big like oh I don't want to go on anymore and Jay's like

I don't man they're having such a good time now it's better it's literally the best thing they're in a great mood they're just sitting there they're like i just saw louis drop yeah and then you go on it's important if you want to think long term it's a stress test for your jokes yeah yes it really is you need to test them there is something though that it's like those first two minutes it's not about your jokes later it's like how do I get this crowd on my side? Because if you lose them early, you're done. But that's a skill too. Louis was like, you can't

bring it up. I disagree. I disagree. I think you have to acknowledge it. Louis never followed Louis. No, Louis followed Seinfeld in his prime. So Louis would go on after Seinfeld and be like, how am I supposed to follow that guy? And then everybody would be like, yeah, how is he supposed to follow him?

Meanwhile, if you just go up and fucking get into it. I disagree. I saw Steve Simone follow Louis. I saw Steve Simone follow Louis. Just go, wow, look at how great. We just got to see Louis C.K. How awesome is that? Moved it right into a bit about like, it's fun going out, but they were on his side.

Because they're like, we all saw it. Oh, this guy gets it. Even better, though. That's a little different. What you're saying is don't say- Don't go. Oh, my God. How am I going to follow that?

Yeah. Right, right, right. I had to follow Seinfeld at Gotham, and this is like five years ago, and he was working out new. He had a pad up there, and I went, don't worry, folks. I'm going to try, and that killed because he was working out. Oh, yeah. You take a shot at somebody.

Well, he took a shot, and you're the underdog, so they're on your side. You take a shot at somebody. Well, he took a shot and you're the underdog so they're on your side. You take a shot at someone, that works. Look at me, no notes. Yeah, exactly. And it went well but I saw Phil Hanley, it was Rock, Louie and then Phil Hanley had to go on and he goes well, you know, the big three and that

killed and I was like that's a smooth way to do it. Yeah, that's fine. Get him on your side with a joke. You can't have a bullshit joke to start with. You gotta be prepared. You gotta be prepared with a solid bit. I mean, not your opening statement, but a solid bit, right? I went up to Chappelle at the store once and I just made fun

of how Dummy holds a cigarette. There you go. Do you just start smoking? What is that? They're like, alright, we're good. There's something about those kind of clubs whether it's the seller or the store like this those are so important you can't just have a club where it's like you know these these comics that grow up or they come up rather in these towns that only have like an improv and they have like big time headliners on the weekend you know and

they don't have like the store was you could always get a spot you get a spot every fucking night there's three rooms running simultaneously yeah this is the developmental ability of a place like that because you could be doing a set in the belly room for 30 people then go downstairs and watch joey diaz kill in the or for a packed room and you you got this but you were on the same you were getting an education But you were on the same, you were getting an education. Yeah. You were on the same circuit as these monsters. You got to see Chappelle walk in

and Rock walk in and Louie walk in and all these different people go up and kill. You got to see Bird do sets there and you were doing sets in that same club. That is immense

for a comics future. And then you don't even notice too, like the guys feel like, oh, it's tough to follow like Louis C.K. but then like, the like, underdeveloped, undiscovered comics who are crushers. Yeah. The guys feel like, oh, it's tough to follow like Louis C.K., but then the under-discovered

comics who are crushers. Yeah. God damn. It's hard to follow. Yeah, like Fahim or D'Elia. Fahim is wildly underrated. Yeah. Fahim's great.

He's very good. Very funny guy. But you guys grew up with a club in your town. I didn't have that. Yeah, we came up with- Not really. I was in Harrisburg. But you had a comedy zone.

Yeah, I had a comedy zone. That's something. That's something. There's a place to go. Something is better than nothing. You need something. Yeah, fuck you, man. You know, I grew up in the craziest town ever in Boston. Privileged. Yeah. You got lucky. There was no competition there. You could fucking rise to the top. True. I really did. My parents used to live in Harrisburg.

Hold on. Fuck. We talked about it. Hold on. Let me tell you this. There's a guy. Shout out Heath the Queef. Heath the Queef. Hold on. Let me tell you this. It's ridiculous. There's a guy. Shout out Heath the Queef. Heath the Queef. My hero. Harrisburg Comedy Zone open mic-er. He had one of the best jokes. He said, I think a Chinese man.

Fuck. Now we realize. Don't remember how good. It's so funny. No, it's so funny. Now you got to imagine. Harrisburg Comedy Zone. Dead.

And then there's a guy on stage who's clearly on meth. Shout out Heath the Queef. No, it's so funny. Now, you've got to imagine, Harrisburg Comedy Zone, dead, and then there's a guy on stage who's clearly on meth. Shout out, Heath Queef. And he's like, he says, I figured out how Barack Obama got his name. He had an Asian doctor named him. His mom was on the table, and she's like, Doctor, what is it? What is it? And he goes, Oh, it's a Barack baby. And that's where Shane got his love for Asian humor.

Isn't that funny? It's a Barack baby? That's great. Metzger had a similar joke, actually. Metzger and Heath DeQueef were on the same wavelength. Exactly. Adderall and Met, they're really close together. If you look at them on a chemical spectrum.

Anyway, sorry that was too long. Shut up. Shut up, Queef. I shouldn't have done those pots. There was a guy I started out with who killed a guy with a stick. What? Yeah, a guy I started out with

from Rhode Island. He beat a guy to death while we were all doing stand-up. That's a closer. And then he went to jail for a long time and then came back and started doing stand-up again.

Oh. Wow, he got any time he wanted. You go on. He got in a fight with some guy and he beat him to death with a branch. A branch. Like a on. He got in a fight with some guy and he beat him to death with a branch. A branch. Organic. Like a club of a tree trunk.

He hit him with a tree branch. He hit him with a piece of a tree. Holy shit. Well, you gotta think how many of those guys you started out with were like mental patients. Me and Mark were talking about today. The crazy different types of people that come together as just like normal friends.

We are. We are. All of us. This should have never, ever happened. That's a good point. We got MMA. We got Jewface. We got Mechanic Berg.

And we got Nola. Yeah, this should have never happened. Yeah. Yeah, but we needed a business for misfits. Yes. It's a misfit business. That's a t-shirt. Yeah, and if people want comedy, you you gotta allow fuck-ups. The idea

that you want us to act like regular folks is ridiculous. You should desire it. Go for it. You gotta know that we're not mean, but you gotta understand that the way we're doing it, the reason why we're doing it that way is because it's the only way to be really funny. To make each other laugh about shit you're not supposed to say.

You can't take it at face value. That's stupid. I mean, Carlin, Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, Lenny, or Rick, fuck, I've been drinking. Rich Voss. Carlin. Carlin. Carlin was famous for the seven words you can't say. That's what put him on the map. But yeah, he's-

Did he add the one? He didn't have the N word. The eight words you can't say. Yeah, I guess you're right. Yeah, that's so true. There's a bunch of other words you can't even say. No, now it's the one word. You can't say. Yeah, I guess you're right. Yeah, that's so true. There's a bunch of other words. You can't even say it. Now it's the one word.

You can't say tranny. Because back then- Yeah. You couldn't say tranny. You just did. Tranny, tranny, tranny, tranny, tranny, tranny, tranny, tranny. You son of a bitch. No, when Carlin was around, you could say the N-word.

True. Probably. That's why it wasn't in the list. You said it on the news. Yeah. You said it on the news. Different time. What were the words?

Like shit? CNN word. Wasn't the word shit? It was like asshole. It was like dick and shit. Listen, boys, I'm willing to cancel all my other guests and just do podcasts with you guys to the end of time. Let's do it.

I don't need. I'm tired of scientists. I don't want this anymore. You're great, Joe. Joe, limitation. And like not leading it too hard that way. You're like, let me have some normal people. I have to have both.

Eric Weinstein, you're boring. But that's the weirdest thing about what this is. Like, how the fuck is this these things all together, you know? How is this debates about mRNA vaccines and they're fucking, and also this. I saw Jordan Peterson, he did a Schultz's podcast, and Schultz was like, I don't know, I'm just telling dick jokes. And Jordan Peterson was like, that's important. We need that.

You need that. You bloody need that. There you go. He's an interesting guy. I love that guy. Both of them. I love both of them. Both wiggers. I love both of them. How dare you? You son of a bitch. You said it out loud. Can you say that word anymore?

You never could. You can still say bigger. Wigger. Say wavelength. Great minds. No coke. But no, Schultz is killing it. Schultz is a... I watched him.

He filmed a special here a couple weeks ago. What? We all went. In the studio? No, no. He filmed a special at the Paramount. Oh, not the studio? No.

It's just really small. I mean, intimate's good, but 20 people's weird. It's weird. All your bodyguards. Yeah. Just honksguards. Yeah. Just honks, dude. Just former. Who, the Expendables?

The fucking Expendables out front? That's one of the weirder aspects of my life now. There was a moment, I guess it was two or three years ago, where I realized I needed to hire murderers. Yeah, you used to do it as fun. It's like, I can get paid a job, who cares? Hire a bunch of fucking veterans and bad motherfuckers to watch everything. There was a certain point in time where I was like, this thing is getting too weird.

Yeah. You're too famous. Is that a bummer? Yeah. Because fame, I don't want fame. It stinks. It stinks. It's not good if you pay attention, but I'm great at not paying attention.

All I do is- I'm uniquely qualified. I get Reddit and I look at it. Same. Turns out I'm a fat retard. All I look up is unread of this Shane stuff. I'm a midget. Listen, don't read it. It's just, I just do my thing. I don't mind. I actually got to

the point where I didn't mind reading it. It's a little bit of snake venom. A little bit every day. And you get a certain amount of tolerance and after a while you get it. You don't need to go back and keep getting bitten by snakes. It's like you bit of snake venom, a little bit every day. And you get a certain amount of tolerance, and after a while, you get it. You don't need to go back and keep getting bitten by snakes. It's like you get it. Once a year. And if you're hard enough on yourself, if you're hard enough on yourself, you don't

need people to be hard on you all day long. Right. And if you go online, most of what people like to do is shit on people. It's fun. I used to like to do it, too. If I was 15 years old and I had a fucking Twitter account, it would have been a disaster. People would be pulling up those tweets to the end of time but it hurts i was an asshole i was a young kid and i was i would have been doing it for fun just like most of the people out there that are shitting on you

in the comments on instagram and facebook and wherever you don't have to read it just you pay attention to you most of them also are the dorks you're trying to piss off like the stuff you do with the seller and stuff like normal people can't take this right so you're trying to piss off? A lot of them are. The stuff you do at the cellar and stuff, you're like, normal people can't take this. Right. So you're like, and then you got some normal person like, I don't like this. Like, yeah, right. No, normal people. I'm not talking about reading a comment where it's like, I saw him and he was racist.

I'm talking about a dude on Reddit that's fucking into it. Yeah, hard. He gets the right. He's hit right in the face. Well, the thing is, those guys. Rabbit punches, dude. It's close. But if they nail it, that's why it hurts.

Because there's something about what they're saying that's accurate. But if you know you fucking crushed, and you are really happy with the way the material turned out, and you did a great set, and then someone shits on that, that's on them. Not everybody likes Led Zeppelin. Some people just want to hear jazz all day. You ever see those porcelain documentaries? Porcelain or beige frequency? The stand-up documentaries?

They're great. What are you talking about? I don't know what you're talking about. Dude, you just lost your November. Wow. Yeah. Talk to me. There are these documentaries about stand-ups, about stand-up comedy.

Yeah, porcelain and beige frequency. And they're really, really good, well-researched. Who made them? These guys just make them for internet. Oh, like Norton and Jim Jefferies. Where are some of them? They're on YouTube. They're so brutal, man.

They're brutal. But they're all dead on. They're not like taking stuff out of context. They're taking stuff in context. One of them, now this is funny. I was with my lady, and I DM'd them at it. When I saw they reviewed my special, I was with my girlfriend, and i dm'd him at it when i saw they reviewed my special i was i was with my girlfriend i was like you gotta leave the room so you could i'm gonna watch this

and if this is if this is what i think it is oh i'm gonna be upset you're a masochist yeah i watched it and actually the guy was like this is pretty good oh yeah that's what i was like that means everything wow that's great they're not hit pieces, but it often is. It rests in the negative sometimes, and it's fucking crazy. Rests in the negative. The thing about what you would do if you were on the outside is you would do the exact same thing. It's true. Especially, look, who likes to attack heroes more than you do? I love it.

It's your favorite thing? I love it. When Oprah, fucking Whitney Houston went down, and Oprah's like- Everybody. With everybody. Anytime anybody dies, I just immediately go and check Ari's Twitter I'm like Jesus

how in trouble are you it's cause everyone's saying like oh I'm so hurt by it it's like well shut up but the thing is how many people knew

Chadwick Boseman shut the fuck up I heard Chadwick and I was fucking pissed that bothered me that's how I was I was pissed that bothered me

that one bothered me he didn't care about you he loved me he DM'd me he was another guy He didn't care about you. He loved me. He DM'd me. He was another guy that didn't tell people he had cancer. How about that? Another baller. Another G-Bowl.

Another bad motherfucker who didn't tell people. Yeah, he filmed a movie. He filmed that Last Bloods movie. That's true. But how lame is it to be like, guys, he was amazing. It's so boring. What a boring response. I hope that director-

But what if someone is amazing? What? What if someone was amazing? It's just too cliche to be like, I love... Yeah, I do. For you as a comic. No, some of those guys do hurt when they die, but it's still like, don't say that. I'll be honest.

Norm. You didn't shit on Norm, though. I wrote a cheesy post about Norm. You didn't shit on Norm. You didn't shit on Norm. No, I said his last words were, come see Ari's show and... Is that what you said? That's very funny.

Good for you. That's neutral. That's in character. Yeah. You can't shit on that guy it's just everyone's it's just so it's like 9-11 it's like was this yeah it was sad don't say that i told you about princess die once and a lady came after him like that was 20 something years ago what are we doing amy winehouse people get mad yeah but it's fun to watch them get mad well you know if they're on the

outside and you're shitting on their hero and they don't even know you, like, who the fuck is this guy? Of course they're going to think like that. Yeah. Especially someone like Amy Winehouse who died so young. So fucking talented. Oh, yeah. Just couldn't stop drinking. You know, she died.

What are you guys going to look at? I don't know. Fuck you. I was looking at fucking Surly Shane. Irish drunk. Surly Shane's going to fucking try to grab my dick for sure. He's going to do something. I'm just thinking about how sick Kobe is.

Whatever happened to Kobe? He's going back strong. In my head, I'm just like, damn, Kobe's the best, dude. I remember the three legs dunk contest. This motherfucker. Magic Johnson beat him. Who would bother you the most if they died? What person outside of the suite?

Like a celebrity? Yeah, like outside of this room. Nobody would know. Maybe Jamie. Outside of this room where it would really fuck with you if they died. I guess my dad. Norm was up there. Norm was genuinely up there.

Yeah, I was sad when Norm died. When Norm stunned- Sandler. Sandler would be brutal. Norm stunned me. Yeah. A sudden one is tough. But it was a weird one.

It was like, what? Oprah. Oprah. Oprah, I couldn't care less. What would Trump say? What would Trump say? Look at this woman. She goes on there. She talks. She's not that...

You bail out of it. I'm glad you bailed because you've been stung before. Yeah, I have. And I've learned. I've grown as a person. You have grown. Adam Sandler dying would be a goddamn disaster. Dude. Shaquille O'Neal.

It would have to be somebody doing it right now. Larry David. In their prime now. So then you're like, oh, we were about to get this great new thing and now we won't get it. When Michael Jackson dies, that's going to hurt. He's already dead. No! Bro, he died a while ago.

Shaq. Shaq's going to be sad. Shaq's going to be a tough one. That would a while ago. Shaq. Shaq's going to be sad. Shaq's going to be a tough one. That'd be sad. Shaq's so tall. You haven't met him? He's so lovable. I have not met him.

He's a great guy. Shaq and Charles Barkley. And Shaq seems like he's like a Great Dane where it's like he's old for as big as he is. Yeah, exactly. And he's been a big sweetheart the whole time. He's got beat up, too. He's going to fall one day, and it's going to be over. Charles Barkley's a great guy, too.

Charles Barkley. I love Barkley. He's a great guy, like, in person. You met him? Yeah, yeah. Super nice guy. I met him for 10 seconds at the beginning of COVID. Me and him were the only guys at the airport.

Gave him a high five. And then I got to my... But you can tell when he's talking. I got to my hotel, and they were like, Charles Barkley's getting tested for COVID. Shaquille O'Neal's DJing this. Look at everybody look away from my story. I'm sorry, the moving image started.

You're right. No one pay attention to Shane's story. You just put the moving image on there and Shane's like, fuck off. Fuck off, talented comedian. We have a video of Shaq. Is he DJing? Yeah. He's been DJing.

This is like comedy. It's like anybody who can't do it. He's not a sheriff anymore? Jamie. Jamie. Look at him. Aw. Ryan Cyklin. He's been DJing. This is like comedy. It's like anybody who can't do it. He's not a sheriff anymore? Jamie. Jamie. Look at him. Wow. Paris Hilton's a DJ.

I'm watching you on the screen, though. Jamie. Yeah. Could you put on, go to eggs Tyrone Instagram and look at- Jamie, don't do it. By the way, eggs Tyrone. Shout out to eggs Tyrone. No shout out.

What is that? Is that Kevin Quaife? So what this guy does is he puts music to videos that don't fit. So usually it's like Muslim guys dancing and he puts in hip hop. The Jews dancing? Shit rules. That's a great one. Ashkenazi Jews dancing?

Yeah. All right. Now here. Not this one. Well, this will probably be great. Everything he does is great. That was great. Everything he does is great.

Keep that first guy. Let me see that first guy. Scroll down. Shaq Diesel. Right there. Oh, this one. Play that with audio, please, for me. Oh, I've seen these guys.

They jump on the counter. Yeah, but he adds. That's Shaq. What do you know about Shaq? That's Shaq Diesel. I didn't know that was Shaq. I didn't either. This is amazing.

Yeah, he puts music to shit that doesn't work. Wait, this is not real? No. I thought they were going for it. Any video you pick is X Tyrone. That's funny, though. That's funny. Oh, my God. I thought that... I saw that. I didn't realize it was Shaq on the right. What's the real

song? Who was singing that song, that number one with a... Oh, no. It was Bleak 182. Bleak 182? They were playing Blink. No, that's Fall Out Boy. That's Fall Out Boy? Yeah. Sugar. I'm banged up. I know. Bro, Fall Out Boy? Yeah. Sugar. I'm banged up. I know. I'm going sugar.

Bro, we got to do a show, and we have a show that starts in 12 minutes. Does anybody know what I'm talking about? I cannot go on stage. You're going on stage. I'm going to prop you up. Fuck off. I can't go on stage at this point. Suck my dick.

You guys aren't going on stage? What are you pussies talking about? This is what we do. I got a sweatsuit on, dude. No, it starts at 8. I got to get a water in me. Get a water. Suck it up They're fucking lying

They're joking around They're joking around Are you joking? 8, 12 minutes? I'll go first How much do you guys want me to do? Well we got Hans Kim Hans Kim's gonna go first

Who's that? Is Hans a villain from a No He's a funny guy He's an up and comer Mark you shouldn't make jokes like that Make fun of me on the show Oh sorry I thought you were over it Come on can we just do this Austin. Mark, you shouldn't make jokes like that. You make fun of me on the show. Oh, sorry.

I thought you were over it. Come on. Can we just do this every week? Mark, you shouldn't make fun of me on the goddamn Joe Rogan experience, dude. You make me look like a dumb idiot. No, we're all fans. It's 76 degrees in here. You should.

Not a bad idea. One day a week, I'll branch off, and I'll have a scientist on. Oh, Joe, we got to tell you. Let me talk to a scientist, Joe. We don't have a place to stay. Let me get, Joe. We don't have a place to stay. We don't have a place to stay. Can we stay at your house? Yeah, you want to. Can we all stay at your house tonight?

Let me ask my wife. But I'll definitely... My kids are asleep. We're not planning a party with your kids tonight. You're gonna make noise. I wanna meet the kids. Shane snores for sure. For sure. I'm great with kids. I know you going to make noise. I want to meet the kids. Shane snores for sure. For sure. I'm great with kids.

I know you snore, dude. You got a thick neck. I wear a mouthpiece. I wear a mouthpiece to keep from snoring. You put a mouthpiece in to go to bed? He snores so bad he had to get technology involved. Yeah. No, I had to. Before you go to bed, you go, goodnight, honey. Yeah, I put my mouthpiece in.

Like an MMA mouthpiece? I fuck with it on. I don't respect women enough to not snore in front of them. Well, the problem is I don't sleep good. I will choke in the sleep in the middle of the night. I snore too. I have sleep apnea. Oh, I'm getting there.

Yeah. You can get there. Oh, I'm there. Did you notice it where you would literally be like, like when you wake up, you're like, I'm out of breath? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah, fuck, I'm already there. I got sleep'm there. Did you notice it where you would literally be like, like when you wake up, you're like, oh, I'm out of breath? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? For sure.

I'm already there. I got sleep apnea. I guarantee you haven't. I was stunned when I found out how bad it is. It's an obese person's disease. It's fat people. Well, you're 75 years old, dude. Okay, Reggie White died of it.

Back in his day, they just died. They didn't know any better. They didn't even write it down. That's how Reggie White died. I actually wouldn't mind a little bit of sleep apnea as far as me passing away. Congratulations. I know I have it. You definitely have it.

Yeah. I'm looking at you. You have it. Joey has it. Joey brings a machine with him. You think I'm Joey Diaz? No, you're not that bad. God damn it, dude.

Joey has a CPAP machine that he brings with him. Yeah, he does. It changes life. My dad does that. He sleeps like a baby with that thing. God damn it. My girlfriend's always like, I thought you were going to die. It's like that.

Yeah, that one. Do you think you have it? I think I have it. You got abs. Yeah, but I can't breathe. At night, I snore so loud. Sleep on your back. The thing is, it's like.

I do. Sleep on your stomach. It's an anatomy thing. It's your tongue and the whole. Yeah, fatness. Like some guys have a big dick. Some guys have a little mouth hole. You keep making fun of my weight.

I'm not making fun of it. I feel. I'm fun of my weight. I'm not making fun of it. I feel I'm legitimately concerned for you. I'm not making fun of it. I think it's fine. You know what we need to do? You know what we need to do? What? Save the park, man.

You pussy. Bro, let's save the park or something. I'm 70. Oh, my God. With his frail bones. We're even something. I'm 70. Oh my God. With his frail bones. You're the guy doing Tai Chi at 4 a.m. He's holding up a sign with his bad shoulder and it hurts. With none of his antibodies.

Zero antibodies. Biden voter, dude. You took the vaccine and it barely worked on you. I haven't gotten it. The three of us in this room have amazing... You didn't get the vaccine? I didn't get the virus. I think it's fake. I think it gotten it! The three of us in this room have amazing... You didn't get the vaccine? I didn't get the virus! I think it's fake.

I think it's fake. You have company on Reddit. That's right. I don't like saying the vaccine is fake because that's not the type of guy I am. How about this? The vaccine... The COVID virus is as bad as the Holocaust. Wow.

You might be exaggerating. You know what? I don't like this. Oh my god Shut up Can I get another BL? Yeah yeah yeah We gotta hurry up The show starts in 8 minutes

The show starts when we get there Dude when I was on the road with Rogan He would always like leave Like 40 minutes late For no reason That's not true You're exaggerating And then we get to the show

Like hey it was supposed to start 5 minutes ago And Joe's like Hey they're not gonna start Without us Whatever But I go in They're like you're on right now.

Hans Kim can stretch. It's a little bit of an exaggeration. A little bit. But here's the thing. I didn't want him to freak out before the show. I'm like, it doesn't matter. We're here. We're the show. And when we started doing theaters especially, they always started late. They never see people on time. What are you, a black comic? Come on.

We got a show to do. I'm there on time, but I'm not. I know the show's not going to start at 8. You got to watch what you say. Some of the stuff you said tonight has pissed me off. Oh, shit. Sorry. He's on number eight, ladies and gentlemen. Bud Light number eight.

This guy's having fun, dude. Dude, he just gets them. They just pile up. You don't even know. Oh, yeah. I like how he's in like an IV drip of alcohol. And then I'm like. I like to take it in fucking pill form.

It gets done right away. Vodka form. I mean, whiskey form. Bud Lights are barely booze. The Shane Buzz. That's what they say. And then you drink 10 of them. Yeah.

And that's the move. That's the move. You guys do IVs? Why don't you guys move here? Please I'll move here Open that club I'll move here

It's on the way We're gonna see it It's on the way Get it Jesus Christ That's a keeper That's a keeper That's why we do this

A lot of guys get excited About fucking your butt After hearing that Like that is a tight Little trumpet Bring it on guys Some bitch scientist Is gonna be on that mic.

Like, hey, Joe, have you thought about this? Some bitch scientist. Just talking straight to a fart. Son of a bitch. You got Elon Musk on this mic. We're going to put a plastic bag over that and seal it until the next time you're here so you can smell your own fart. I wish Bernie Sanders had smelled that.

Jamie, buy an extra mic so that no one uses that mic ever again. No, no, no. Let Jamie Rush that no one uses that mic ever again. If I will never get the scientist, you're going to ruin my business model. My fourth fart. I need to tell you about this. No, give me Trump. I thought that was Trump. Trump it. Give me Trump with scientists. Joe, there's a lot of scientists

out there. There's these guys that come in here and they talk to you. They don't know what they're saying. They talk to you about getting pussy. I get pussy. When you're drunk, he gets better. Yeah, true. You know that Trump dating thing? Yes. You know the

chick who's into him? Yes. That's my social media manager. Oh, that's hilarious. I wonder if Trump has seen your Trump. I wonder if Trump has seen my Trump. I bet he has. I bet he has.

I hope he has. We made a video called, me and McKeever worked for this guy who's, I'm not going to name. Russell McKeever? Anyway, we made a video and Don Jr. retweeted it. Shut up. We made one sketch and we were like, let's not make it political. Immediately Don Jr. retweeted it. Shut up. We made one sketch where we were like, let's not make it political. Immediately, Don Jr. retweeted it. Damn.

Fuck. I guess it was. Don Jr. and I had a mutual friend, and he committed suicide. Jesus. Ah, man. You keep doing that. Is it the same guy that jumped off that bridge? Different guy.

A lot of guys kill him. Yeah, I know quite a few guys. Are they Clintons? Joe, you're under the name Clinton. Or are they killing themselves? No, this guy, unfortunately, did himself in. But Don Jr. is very online savvy. It's hilarious when you watch the son of a president who is making shit jokes about the vice president.

Pull up his page. He's got a meme about Biden farting. Remember, this is a guy who was very politically visible, right? I mean, he was the son of the president of the United States, the most polarizing president ever. And this is the kind of shit that he puts on his Instagram. Look at this. It's Joe Biden standing next to the Pope, and the Pope says, was that a fart? And Biden says, some of it Wow

I mean how crazy is this? Who are these people that liked it? They got about 8 checks 294,000 people? You go get an audit I know James Vick No but who's Ricky Bell whatever the James Vick is a dude who used to fight the UFC I don't want to dox them

Shout out to James Vick Shout out to James Vick is a dude who used to fight in the UFC. I don't want to dox them. Wow. Shout out to James Vick. Shout out to James Vick. One of the best DJs in Florida right now. I mean, my dad would literally jerk off to that meme. It's a funny meme. That would make my dad go. That's hilarious. Probably, by the way, made in Russia. That meme?

Yeah. That's the thing about a lot of these memes that people don't know. There's a thing called the Internet Research Agency in Russia. Russians are hilarious. There's a woman that's been on this podcast named Renee Diresta, and she did a deep dive into this thing. She found hundreds of thousands of hilarious memes, and they had come out of Russia. So all these memes shitting on Hillary Clinton, and a lot of them you get that are hilarious,

they're made in Russia, and they're made to sow the seeds of dissent. That they're so funny that they're divisive. Where are Russian comedians? They're obviously hilarious. They're working on memes. It's a different style of comedy. Meme style is so different than stand-up. That's true.

It's so different. I've never made a single meme. I made a couple. They're fun. Have you made a couple? Yeah, you make a meme, it's fun. It's a style of thinking, though, that you don't... You could be a guy in a cubicle.

Okay, good analysis, Shane. Yeah, you make a meme, it's pretty good. of thinking though that you don't you could be a guy in a cubicle yeah analysis Shane yeah you make a meme it's pretty good and they look at us for expert analysis beer number 10 look at this fucking pile

we go so fast some of them are from the Russians a lot of people are saying the Russians are making the memes not good I don't think Russians

have comedy clubs not good do they? do they have comedy clubs? that's a very good question Russia Moscow Gaffigan and Schultz Not good. I don't think Russians have comedy clubs. Not good. Do they? Do they have comedy clubs in Russia? That's a very good question. I guarantee you. Russia, Moscow. Gaffigan.

Schultz did Russia. Schultz went to Russia like a fucking gangster and just did stand-up and wasn't even sure if they could speak English. Schultz has been everywhere. That's pretty Schultz-like. That's Schultz. He's a bad motherfucker. He's the best.

He's such a great guy. I like Schultz. I do too. I like Schultz. I like Schultz I like Schultz What are you doing with your fingers He's trying to get them sniffed I'm getting rowdy

Ari you might have to fight him That's him on stage in front of a bunch of Russians Oh wow Schultz will go anywhere And he sells out You know what in Russian culture It's very disrespectful to slap the mic against your thigh I thought that was did it. In Russian culture, it's very disrespectful to slap the mic against your thigh. I thought that was Chappelle's gig.

Chappelle fucked that up for everybody. Every black comic. Look how Russian that crowd looks. White crowd in Russia. Oh, my God. It looks like a bunch of fucking pale assassins. Well, they're Russian. Yeah, a lot of ladies, too.

A lot of ladies. That's a great club, by the way. Look at the fucking dynamics. That's not bad at all. That's what you want Can we get the name of that club? Do me a favor Jamie Take a screenshot of exactly that And send it to me

Because that's the perfect size stage Hold on I want to say this Yeah I'm sending it to you Oh for the thing Do it in Trump You think you should say Chet? Huh?

Chet Hanks? Joe when's your club going to open? Nothing We'll talk tomorrow I'll show you what. Joe, when's your club going to open? I don't know what you're going to say. Nothing. I wasn't going to say anything. We'll talk tomorrow. I'll show you what we need to do and what's going to happen, but it's pretty awesome. It's going to be amazing. Exciting.

I'm excited. Gun range? I'm fucking pumped. No, but there's one that's nearby that I have a membership to. Let's drink and go. Well, we have to do a show. I've been thinking about buying an MPX ever since you and me went to that fucking... Oh, yeah. I took Shane to... What's that? ever since you and me went to that fucking... I took Shane

to a terratactical. Oh, really? In LA? We shot guns. Terratactile? Exactly. You guys were in LA together? He was in LA and I said, what are you doing? I said, do you want to shoot guns? He's like, fuck yeah. So I took him and they taught him how to shoot guns.

What was that? What was that? Yeah, of course. No, because I think less of you than most people do. So it's like a negative thing, I thought. I like shooting guns. And then he said, let's shoot guns. Shit was cool. You're reading into it by my taste.

But he got a chance to do a whole. I'll kill you with a gun, dude. You're lucky there's not a gun here, dude. You're lucky there's a tactical. What would you do? I'd go like this. Pistol whip and Mozambique. That's not bad.

That's not bad. Mozambique. That's what it's called, that move? I would fucking kill you with a gun. It's two to the chest, one to the head. Damn. That's the Mozambique. That's how you would be treated by me, with a firearm.

Wouldn't you feel like a stupid-ass idiot? You wouldn't do it. I'll treat you like fucking Gomez will treat Ellis. Fucking knock you down. $1,000. What am I going to spend it on? Ellis is about to fucking rain terror on Gomez. You treat Ellis. I'll fucking knock you down. $1,000. What am I going to spend it on? Ellis is about to fucking rain terror on Gomez. You're not going to spend anything.

Give me that $1,000. I want it at once. Gomez is fucked. That poor son. What am I going to do with that $1,000? I should donate it. I drank enough to be back on Lewis. If you donate something I hate, I'll be so mad at you.

I'll donate it to get rid of the East River Park. Damn it, Joe. God damn it, Joe. I'll donate it to the real estate developers. They're like, what the fuck is this? Let's put all the hostages there. Buy it. Buy it.

It's a buck donation. Buy the park. Joe, you buy it. Joe, buy the park out. How much is a park? How much can you get a park for? I don't know. It's cheap.

You can do it, dude. You just got to call de Blasio and get it. Get a piece. Call de Blasio. Imagine if that guy becomes president and treats the United States the way- He can't. He can't. That's no-

What the fuck are you talking about? Look who's president. Look who's president now. He didn't get ousted. He did two terms as the mayor. He wasn't allowed to do more? Is that how it works? I don't know, but he's not the mayor anymore. He's got a couple of months left. He's basically a lame duck. Biden is the biggest

fucking government agent in the planet. He's the president of the United States of America. Pretty sweet. And he can barely talk. I'll tell you what, if Joe Biden was here right now, I might give him a knuckle sample. Dude, you should. What would you say to him? If you were Trump and you were talking to Joe Biden?

Wow, this guy. What a failure. Why is that, John? What about him pooping his pants? Do you think he pooped his pants? Is that right? Yeah, they would. A lot of people say he pooped his pants. He went to the Vatican. The Pope.

More like the poop. That's what we said. The poop. A lot of us had a lot of jokes about that. Poop Benedict. Ah! Or whatever. Both their sons are cokeheads.

Yeah, they would get along. That's an interesting point. Uh-huh. I don't know if Don Jr.'s a cokehead. Do you think Don Jr.'s a cokehead? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. I didn't say that. I bought it off him. I'm in. I don't think this is Jr. is a co-kid. Do you think Don Jr. is a co-kid? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. I didn't say that.

I bought it off him. I'm in. I don't think this is a true story. They do look like they do. Let's hope he doesn't get litigious. How about that? Is nothing wrong with being a co-kid? I don't think he's a co-kid. No, nobody's a co-kid. But Biden's kid likes to party. I'm telling you what, if I had to choose one dude to go to New Orleans

with, it would be Biden's kid. Hunter Biden? Oh, yeah. If there's a party. I'm telling you what. If I had to choose one dude to go to New Orleans with, it would be Biden's kid. Hunter Biden? Oh, yeah. 100%. If there's a fucking president's son that's ever lived that I want to hang out with, it's Biden. I'd try to get him in here. What?

Hunter Biden? Yes. He's an artist. Yes. Wow. That would be great. He'd be like, I trust you. Show me a good time.

Well, this is what I was, honestly, and this is my thought going forward, if he ever listens to this. I'm not trying to make you look bad. No, you never do that. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be the son of a president, and I'm not going to ask any embarrassing questions about money. I want to know about your art. I want to know about what it is. Yeah. He's a great artist.

Are you interested in his art? He's selling a shitload of money If he wasn't the vice president's son, you wouldn't be interested in his art Of course I would be because he's the vice president's son He's selling art for like $100,000 No, he's the president's son, not just the vice president Vice president and then president How dare you disrespect the highest office

You don't believe it's a democracy I'll come over there and give you a shank leg kick Look, his art fails to attract visitors after sparking controversy pricing one of his paintings at $500,000. Why wouldn't he? Hunter, holler at your boy. We can fix this. Man, he's got beautiful eyes.

He's a handsome man. What if he had to do blow on his side and come back in every twice? He likes to party. He's got coke lips. They're all dried out. Listen in. He did a little coke. He likes to party.

But I'm not... I don't want to attack this guy. I don't. It's not his fault that his fucking dad used to be the vice president and then became the president. It's not his fault that he got hooked on coke. A lot of friends that I have that have been hooked on coke. Wasn't there more damning things other than coke?

There was a laptop. What about wives of brothers or something? Yeah, there's a little bit of that. Listen, dude, they're Illuminati. But that's you. You wouldn't be in here for that episode. There you go. Listen, if you ever want to find that information out, you can go online.

I want to find out what is it like to be that guy. Yeah. That's my take on things. Anybody can talk scandalous and make them uncomfortable. I want to make them comfortable. I want to know, like, look, you're a human fucking being. I would be him if I was in his life. So would you.

So would you. So would you. We would all be him if we were born in that fucking family. No, I'd still be Jacked. I'd be Jacked no matter what. And then I'll keep it quiet. The son's a powerful person. Look at Chet Hanks.

He's fucked. It's not a lot of good. Chet Hanks is fucked. It's like that old expression. Yeah, he does a lot of rapping. Chet Hanks is not fucked, dude. Wagwan. Chet Hanks. White boy summer. Chet Hanks is fucked. It's like that old expression. Yeah, he does a lot of rapping. Chet Hanks is not fucked, dude. Wagwan. White boy summer.

Chet Hanks. Shout out Chet Hanks. Damn rude boy. Damn real rude boy. Chet Hanks. I like him. Oh my gosh. I think he's good.

He might have Chet Hanks got together with the Island Boys and they made a fucking LP and it went number one. It would go number one. It would be unstoppable. It would go number one and signal the end of society. I'm surprised it hasn't happened already. It's going to happen. By the way, Hans Kim is shitting blood right now. He would go number one. It would go number one and signal the end of society. I'm surprised it hasn't happened already. It's gonna happen. By the way, Hans Kim is shitting blood right now. He's at this show.

Stretch Hans. He's been working with me for a long time. The show starts at 8? Yeah. We're good. How far is it? What have you been saying about me all this time? The show will start when we get there. I didn't really mind when that happened. Shane's up first. They're waiting on him. Listen, Ari. You think I'm first? this time. The show will start when we get there. The show will start when we get there.

Shane's up first. They're waiting on him. Listen, Ari. You think I'm first? We made this work with you. We made this work. That was a Josh. I just joked. He seems like a fun guy. Stop this. Stop this right now. I'm terrified that that could be my son.

He's joking. Wait, you have a son? No, but if I had one, what if he was like that kid? I was going to say, I got turned on. I watched the interview with him. You got turned on? Did you see him talk about Biden? No, but he was doing the thing. He's like, oh, everybody, I need you to get your vaccines. I need you to do that.

In the honor of President Biden. Fuck that damn blood clot, President Biden. It's so funny. If this was a weekly show, it would be the biggest show in the fucking country. This would be a fun one. It would be the greatest show

in the country. We should do it. We need a block in here. We need to figure out a way to stop on our way somewhere. Yeah, I'd pass away. Listen, I'll fly you guys in anytime you want to do it.

Really? It's a big offer, Joe. 100%. Easy, Joe Joe Rabbit. Let me know. We take those Delta pre-choosing seats. And news radio money.

Anytime. Anytime. I got hardball money. So we stand at your place or not? I did tell Joe. I was like, hey, we're going to be in Houston on this day. Can we sleep at your house? No.

Can I sleep at your house? If everyone knew in advance, the problem is I can't have you snoring and my fucking 11-year-old comes running into my room. I don't have any kids. Daddy, where's the gun? My 11-year-old knows how to shoot a gun. Jamie, your place? Can I sleep in your house?

Listen, my kids will shoot you, and I'm not kidding. What the heck? They're going to shoot me? If they didn't know you were in the house, and you were in the house in the hallway, they'll fucking shoot you. Why the fuck are your kids shooting me? Because they're trained, dude. They don't know you. They're trained. You're a big white guy who snores.

It's not going to end well. If you were black, it'd be all right. I thought his middle name was Tactical. Can I sleep in the guest room? You can sleep in the guest room. Don't you have wings? Yeah, I have wing money, dude. I can lay out some sleeping bags in the gym.

We would love that. I'm in. That's all we need. I've slept in worse. We're like refugees at the border. I will tell you, as soon as I made this up, I was like, hey, we're going to be in Houston on the 3rd. Any interest in having a podcast on the 2nd? Joe's like, yes, we're going to be in Houston on the 3rd. Any interest in having a

podcast on the 2nd? Joe's like, yes, I'm in. Lock it up. Put it in your calendar right now. 100%. Yeah, I was ready to cancel anything that was in the way. Really? Some dork scientists? I'll fly those dork scientists in next week. Bring the dork scientists out here. I'll give them a knuckle of sand. I'll fucking cure for cancer. You can bring your mom.

You can bring your wife. I'll give you a vacation in Austin. I just need to do this. It was like, that's the thing that I miss the most about comedy is hanging with comedians. It's the best. It's the best. You hear that, Lex Friedman, you fucking nerd? Yeah. Take the suit off.

You don't like Lex Friedman? I love him. We texted earlier. He actually sent me a text about you, about how funny you were. He's a great guy. Do you want to punch him in the belly? No, I think he could fuck me up. He actually sent me a text about you, about how funny you were. He's a great guy. Do you want to punch him in the belly? No, I think he could fuck me up. He knows jiu-jitsu. He does it in a full suit. Yeah, you're a black belt in sucker

punches. You got that right. I whizzed myself. He's experienced it. Sucker punches? Yes. Did you guys wet the bed ever as a kid? Oh yeah. We did a whole podcast about it. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Builds character. There's a feeling when you're a kid, when you are in a dream and you move up to a urinal. Yeah, that's all it is.

Every time. And then you realize you're not reeling. You're like, oh, shit, I'm sleeping. Oh, fuck. This again. That's what R. Kelly was doing. Were you a bedwetter? I definitely have definitely pissed the bed.

No, no, no. I mean, that's really weird. No, not regular. Do you think R. Kelly was sleepwalking this whole time? The whole time. He was dreaming he was peeing. And then the lady was in his way. In urinals?

Yeah. In his way? Some girl was in his way, and he was urinating. It's never fun. You know what's funny? Do you think in R. Kelly's dreams he pisses on this short urinal? Oh, that's a little lady. You know what I mean?

Yeah. A child urinal. That's the one that went left. Her face was a urinal kick. In the urinal. He was hitting the bullseye. Oh, my God, a midget. You ever hear this fucking- It's amazing. Trapped in a closet? So good. Trapped in a closet is kick. In the urinal? He was hitting the bullseye. Oh my God, a midget. You ever hear of this fucking-

It's amazing. Trapped in the closet? So good. Trapped in the closet is good. It's unbelievable. But it's not as good as that. Do you have your shots? Are you vaccinated?

No. Do you want to come to- No. Do you want to come to- You have to be vaccinated, Joe. To go where? I came here for the FCC. To Rob's house?

Who? Do you want to come to Rob's house? Do you have your shots? Oh, that's right. That was different. He meant like, you know, like hepatitis. Yeah. Oh, do you want your shots oh that's that was different you meant like like you know like yeah yeah you want to come to America yeah that's real talk is one of the greatest things that's ever been done because he's going to jail we'll probably play it no real talk oh yeah bitch I wish you would burn my motherfucking clothes. Real talk.

Wow. Sanjay Gupta. You never seen this? Give me some vibes. We're going to close it out on this. I think it's six million views. I just want to say to everybody listening, I'm the luckiest person that's ever lived. You got that right.

Because I am a... Play that. What are you doing? What's that? It was behind the scenes. I wanted to make sure it was the right time. No, that's the show. It's misleading. It's misleading. That's a cool joke.. I wanted to make sure it was the right one. No, that's the show. It's one of the three. I know.

It's misleading. It's misleading. That's a cool joke. I just wanted to make sure. It does have six main views. It starts with this, and then this is how it starts. He starts about smoking stogies and talking and explaining. That's what we're doing.

And then the music plays. We're R. Kelly. But back it up a little bit. We're R. Kelly. I just wanted to make sure that we didn't skip it. Hey, that's just four R. Kellys having fun. Listen, by no means do we endorse any of the atrocities that R. Kelly has committed. Atrocities?

Joe does not speak for me. You're talking about guys having fun? I speak for Spotify. Give me some volume. I've peed on many kids in my day, but I'm moving a little forward. Letting the bed. Let's just go right to the song. I've lost control of the crowd.

Look at his hair. His hair is all over the place. He's smoking Sogis. He's doing it for the song. I've lost control of the crowd. Look at his hair. His hair is all over the place. He's smoking Sogis. He's doing it for the fans. He forgot to take the sticker off. No, no, no. The glasses say Gucci, so everyone knows. Oh.

Here it goes. With who? Uh-oh. It gets better. Hold, please. This doesn fuck... She was 12. It gets better. It gets better. Hold, please. What? Listen to this.

This doesn't look like a dungeon. Establish. What's wrong? What's wrong? Oh, she's doing his hair. Real talk. Hold it. Listen to this. Wait for this. Real talk. Hold on. Listen to this. Wait for this.

Is that a house phone? Hold on. Uh-oh. Ah! Oh, she me this. How the fuck she know I was with the mother girl? Oh, she's interrupting him. Yeah. Wow. Real talk. Imagine this guy just on the phone with his friends like that.

Just playing cards. Go to a private area. We're just trying to have a good time, dude. Bullshit on my mind. Every man can relate to this. You listen to this. What year is this? The 80s. I don't know.

No, no, no. I don't know. We played this on the podcast about 100 times. Look at that keyboard. 2005. What is this? Are they playing dominoes? All right. For real, let's give a shout out to R. Kelly. Are they playing dominoes? All right.

For real, let's give a shout out to R. Kelly. This is my favorite part. He tells, bitch, I wish you would burn my motherfucking clothes. Do they get Spotify in jail? No, they don't. You never know. Jails are getting pretty good. You never know.

They might smuggle it in their ass. Lori Loughlin's having a good time. We should probably get to our show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You call my mama's house. Oh, my God. Stretch. Someone's stretching.

Oh, my God. Keep going. Mark Kelly is the best. Hold on, keep going. Listen to this. This is not even a song. It's just a phone call. It's better.

It's better. It's better. It's better. It's better. It's better. Here we go. What's this? That's it.

We need a tri trying for the next. Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Norman, I love you. Shane Gillis, I love you. Mark Norman, out to lunch on YouTube right now. I'm apathetic about your existence. I love you all. I love everybody listening. Go see these guys tomorrow?

No, it's way so down. It's way so down. Go watch my special on YouTube. Scalp some tickets. Shane Gillis, Mark Norman, Ari Shaffir. Find them on social media. And we're going to try to get them moved to Texas. Goodbye. Thank you.