The Joe Rogan Experience - #1734 - Ron White

Episode Date: November 16, 2021

Ron White is a standup comedian, actor, and author. Catch him live on tour this year.

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. The sound we hear is Ron White torching the end of his cigar, preparing. He's a professional. You notice how he did that, Jamie? Starts off torching it. Yeah, you got to toast it. Is that what you do? Yeah, because if you don't, if you just suck the flame into it, you'll burn it.

You'll burn the inside of it instead of just toasting the outside of it. Get most of that surface hot and then just a little quick one to get it really going nice. And the whole cigar will taste better really yeah well i fucked it up already yeah i've fucked up every cigar i've ever smoked cigar smoking lessons by ron white so matt this would be better than it is right now yeah i mean that's how people light cigars that's why they have a torch lighter so you don't have to suck the flame into it i thought the torch lighter torch lighter, so you don't have to suck the flame into it. I thought the torch lighter was so that you don't have that stinky smell that you get from a regular lighter.

Well, it's the same butane. Yeah, but it's like, you know how, well, I think I'm thinking about pipes, like weed pipes. When people smoke weed out of pipes with the lighter, you always smell the lighter fluid. A little bit of butane? Yeah. No, that's not what it's for. It's just so you don't suck that flame into it and burn more of the surface on the inside, and they just taste better.

Oh, and you're a professional. I've been smoking cigars for years. How many? How many years? You know, I started smoking cigars when i quit smoking cigarettes so maybe 20 years ago you quit smoking cigarettes but those little cigars you smoke i think they're kind of cigarettes you're jacked with nicotine and i didn't know that because these aren't there's more nicotine in one of these little things than there is in this whole thing

really yeah how's that possible it's because they just jack them with nicotine. Nicotine is an additive. They add nicotine to them? They sure do. Do you smoke them like a cigarette, or do you smoke them like a cigar? I don't even know. I mean, I pick it up, I light it. I know I inhale some of it. I know I don't inhale all of it.

But you don't try it? But I go through a couple cans of them a day. Let me try one of those? Yeah, sure. Where do you get these at? Anywhere. Where do they go? Romeo y Julieta. Oh, okay. So cans of them a day. Let me try one of those. Yeah, sure. Where do you get these at? Anywhere. Where do they go? Romeo and Julieta.

Oh, okay. So it is like a cigar. It is a cigar. It's a tiny little cigar. Yeah. I started smoking them on the golf course because if I have a $15 cigar and I put it down on the tee box and somebody steps on it, I'm mad at them all day long, even though it's totally my fault. And you can't let it go. And I can't let it go and i can't let it go but these things i just light them and i take three drags off of them hit the ball throw them away and and these are made by the same company that makes romeo

juliet uh cigars cigars yeah so it's fine tobacco oh i did see that little tracer i'm glad you warned me that wasn't a micro dose yeahose. Yeah, there's folks, we have shooting stars on our ceiling. People will get weird sometimes. They can't figure out what the hell's happening. Alright, here we go. I'm gonna try one of Ron White's cigars. This one's nice.

Yeah, you inhale these like a cigarette, buddy. I like it. I don't know, you don't it like a cigarette, buddy. I like it. I don't know. You don't smoke cigarettes, do you? I'll smoke a cigarette occasionally before a show. I'll steal one from Tony Hinchcliffe. I like it. You know why I like it?

It gives me a head rush. I love that head rush. Ah, man. I wish I was that sensitive. You're going to get addicted. You're going to get addicted. I'm like, no, I'm not. I don't smoke them at any other time.

And you don't have an addictive personality. I think I do, but only like to game and stuff. You hunt elk, right? Yeah, but that's not addictive. It's not? I only do it once a year. Oh, okay. How can it be addictive?

One month out of the year. I go twice a year. I know people that are completely addicted to Foxworthy. Oh, yeah. Natural born killer. It is a wild experience. It taps into some weird DNA, some leftover shit from the time when you'd make your own arrows.

Look at this. Somebody gave me this. That's a real, legit Native American arrowhead. Wow, it's beautiful. Isn't it wild? Somebody made that probably hundreds of years ago. Yeah, right. So they can get meat.

You know, Foxworthy spends a lot of his time looking for these things. He goes on cave digs and all over the place. He's got a gigantic collection. Oh, does he really? And then he's also, you know, a big bow hunter, too. I know he is. I've got to meet him, man. I've never met him.

Really well respected in the hunting community. Yeah, he is. Every year he only takes'm really well respected in the hunting community yeah he is every year he only takes out like one deer if he even takes out one he's looking for that certain one oh okay but he loves the whole experience of of men together in the woods and freezing to death and eating bad food and uh and i don't like it you know i don't like it at all have you done it uh yeah you know i'm from a little bitty town in northwest texas right so we used to And I don't like it. I don't like it at all. Have you done it? Yeah. You know, I'm from a little bitty town in northwest Texas, right? So we used to – everybody hunts up there.

So we would hunt more birds than anything up there. But it was a miserable experience to me. What kind of birds did you hunt? You know, pheasant, duck. But, you know, you're just laying out in a field, you know, freezing cold with my father, and I could do nothing right. And it wasn't a particularly good shot. And he had a 12-gauge with no pad on it that would just knock my 13-year-old shoulder out of socket. And so I never thought it was that great.

And I really didn't enjoy any of the experiences that i had with him he was also a golfer but i rarely played with him because he was just kind of mean about it oh and uh then he's also a natural athlete lettered in every sport and uh had a football scholarship to a&m to play right guard at 195 pounds and and uh which is how big they were back then and not wild and I always remembered as a kid looking at my dad's arms and going why are they three times the size of everybody else's dad's arms I mean he was just a beast of a guy and um and he died young from it I guess I don't know how old was he when he died young from it, I guess. I don't know. How old was he when he died? 51. Holy shit.

Yeah. What did he die from? The combination played. He had open-heart surgery when he was 36. Holy shit. That was back when you had to have, you're in the intensive care for like two months or something. And saw the breastbone. So as a kid, I used to have to go up there.

He was in the hospital for so long, and I would go spend my days up there just while my mother was sitting there waiting to see what was going to happen. And as a result, I don't really like going to the hospital to visit anybody. So I don't know if anybody does. But I do it, though. You know, my Joey Walden, my dear friend that lived here, died of cancer. I sat with him, took him to chemo and stuff. But, yeah, so Dad just got a bad deck of cards, man.

He had cancer, too. God damn. And it got him at 51. And I don't have anything. And I have not behaved one single day of my life. Not one day of my life have I behaved, and I am fine at almost 65. I turn 65 next month. Oh, you look great.

You really do, and you look great lately over the last year. It was, you know, I don't know what it is. I quit drinking. I don't talk about it that much. I still have a fake drink on stage, and i don't know who i'm trying to kid because sometimes i say i did and then sometimes i act like i didn't and i can't even decide huh dude yeah i don't know joe i just can't make up my mind you know i my fans the dudes that are fans of mine, I'm like their fantasy drinking partner. You know, they want to have a drink with me.

And every time I see somebody, let's do a shot right now, you know. And so, you know, I don't know. I don't even care. Not drinking doesn't bother me a bit, except when I'm up at the club and you guys are, you know, having a cocktail. I miss that, but I do not miss being trashed, and I got trashed every night way too early. And then when COVID hit, that tequila bottle went from the cabinet that I kept it in to the kitchen table, then it eased to the end of the kitchen table.

Then it hopped over to the, to the, uh, coffee table that I was sitting in front of. And I'd start drinking at three and drunk by five. And, you know, it's just,

uh, I was just caught in a fucking whirlwind of, I couldn't, and I'd also didn't think I could quit, uh, because I tried to quit 12 years ago and I went into a rehab for a month for $70,000 in Malibu. And I got the sweats and the shakes, and they were giving me medication.

And so I was waiting for that to happen this time, and it didn't ever happen. That's wild. I just quit and didn't do it anymore. I went to a hypnotist, uh and then i went down to costa rica and uh did a bunch of ayahuasca with some shamans oh that's it that did it and uh one of those two things or maybe the combination of the two of them yeah you wanted to wait until you talked to me on the podcast to tell me about your ayahuasca experience do you remember saying that to me no i. I don't.

You're like, I'm going to wait. I'll wait until I get on your show because it's a fucking wild story. Well, yeah, but now it's been too long. I don't even remember it. You should have got right on it, Joe. I should have got right on it. But you've been touring, man. I'll tell you what.

Your stand-up is sharp as a fucking scalpel. You haven't missed a beat. And not drinking, it seems seems to make you even better i you know i've i've got a really i i never really went on stage drunk well that's a lie wait let me start over let me start over let me rephrase that my goal was to have my first drink of the day was the drink I took on stage. Right. That was my goal. It didn't always work. But I didn't show up drunk.

And I mean, I'm not talking about the comedy club days when I was doing three shows a night on Saturday. Right. And I could barely see through the third one. You know, that happened a lot. But when there was no, when COVID hit, there was nothing to keep me from drinking all day you know but i wanted to be coherent for that show now if it was a two show night i'd get a

little baked by the second one but you know but it it wasn't it didn't really affect the performance at all you know i can do that show drunk yeah and uh i've i've proven it time and time again. And so now I just have a little bit clearer head, and it doesn't seem to bother me at all, you know, to go out on stage with just a fake drink. But, you know, for a while, you know, I started hitting comedy clubs and trying to get my chops back because it really did affect me being off so long, really a lot. Well, I'll tell you, I was there. I tell this story to people all the time because it's did affect me being off so long really a lot well i'll tell you i was there

i tell this story to people all the time because it's a funny story the night that we did it at vulcan the place that we're going to be at tonight you uh had done stand up in about eight months and you had been talking about retiring yeah and the boy i'm basically gonna retire i'll just play golf is that what i sound like when i talk that's how you sound that's my shitty impression of you but then we did this show packed house at the Vulcan

and you crushed and you got off stage and you grabbed me by the shoulders you're like we're gonna fucking keep doing this we're back Joe Rogan

you tell me when your goddamn fucking club is open let's get the show on the road yeah right what happened to that it's I got the club yeah I mean when your goddamn fucking club is open. Let's get the show on the road. Yeah, right. What happened to that?

I got the club. Yeah. I can't really talk too much about it, but I've secured the building. Everyone's in place. Construction has begun. We're in motion. Good.

Yeah. So I can't talk too much about it. I will reveal when it happens. Okay. We're up and running. But you could tell me when we're not on the air. Yeah, when we're not on the air, I'll tell you everything. I'll take when it happens. Okay. We're up and running. But you could tell me when we're not on the air. Yeah, we're not on the air. I'll tell you everything. I'll take you down there.

Yeah, I'd love to. You've been there, right? No, I haven't been there. No, you haven't? No, I went to the other one that you were going to buy. Yeah. And I was dragging other people through that place going, yeah, this is the place Joe Rogan bought this place.

That place had severe problems. Right. I know you told me about the problem. The environmental issues. Yeah. That would have been a real problem. Joe Rog you told me about the problem. The environmental issues. Yeah. That would have been a real problem. Joe Rogan's polluting the river. Like, oh, Jesus.

Well, they're going to accuse you of something anyway. I spend half my day fucking explaining you to people. I do. I'm defending you. Thank you. Appreciate it. What did he do? What did Joe?

I mean, listen, I don't know what Joe does. I don't know what he says on his podcast. I tried to listen the one i was on and i couldn't listen to it and uh and i and i know you're the it's the biggest thing in the world and but i didn't know that the first time i did it i i mean i had no idea uh you know people there's so much there's a relative of ours that's staying in the fairmont we had dinner with him last night, that didn't know you did stand-up. And a lot of people don't. And I guess that you don't talk about it much. I don't know. But, oh, he does stand-up? I'm like,

yes, he's a great comedian and has been for decades. But, oh, I thought I just know him from Fear Factor and the fights. And this guy listens to the podcast all the time and he was bent out of shape about something. And I'm like, listen, I don, and he was bent out of shape about something. And I'm like, listen, I don't know.

What was he bent out of shape about? Oh, I don't know. COVID stuff? Something you said, vaccine stuff. I don't know. It's always vaccine stuff. That's the most religious issue we have today. People behave like it's a religion.

They really do. They really do. It's the strangest fucking thing. Like, there's all sorts of diseases that no one cares how you treat it. As long as you treat it and you get better, they're happy. Right. But not this one. Yeah.

Well, you know, I think that his thing was that you kind of, you call yourself an idiot. Yes. And I'm a moron. Don't do what I say. Yeah. And then you say what, then you make a statement. But what you say always sounds like the truth you know because you're really good and uh you're the best interviewer in the world you can make me seem interesting on a fucking

podcast and uh and but so a lot of people take whatever you say right and just and they file it under truth because joe rogan said it and then uh i'm like, well, I wouldn't do that. Yeah. Don't do that. Yeah. Don't do that. You know, he, he just on, it's just show. He does a show every three times a week or ever. How many times you do it? Yeah. And, uh, and, and, and nobody does a better job at talking to people and interviewing people than you do. It's, it's great. I mean, I've done a bunch of shows. Thank you very much. Not just podcasts, but even, you know, even Leno and Ferguson was so bad, and Letterman didn't talk to me at all. And Leno would just kind of step on whatever I was trying to get out, and, you know, but you never do.

You just, you know, you're're just a loving nice guy that's got a bunch of talent and energy i don't understand you know well that's very kind of you i have a different format it's easier to not step on people you know you i don't have like five minutes everything has to happen in five minutes and then we bring on the band or then we bring on a an actor or whatever you know those talk are, the format's so limited, you can't really find out who a person is. It's six minutes or whatever it is. Whatever it is. It's too hard.

Right. It's too hard. I agree. Well, do you want me to tell you about the ayahuasca experience? Oh, yeah, sure. How much do you remember? Well, you know, I remember how I found out about it, which is weird because it was a friend of mine's wife. But I'd heard that ayahuasca word before, so I knew a very, very little bit about it.

So then I started kind of researching it. What is it? Where does it come from? It's a strong hallucinogen, you know, which I've always had a tendency to like anyway. So I thought it sounded like it was right up my alley. which I've always had a tendency to like anyway, so I thought it sounded like it was right up my alley. But for a long time, you had to get on a canoe, you know, and go down and find a corrugated tin shack and sleep on a dead floor,

and so it wasn't very appealing to a lot of people. So the guy that opened the place, he had money, and he said he bought part of like a JW jw marriott beach resort well he bought their overflow area which was not on the beach but in the jungle with a big fence fucking howler monkeys the most useless animal in the world they scream at the top of their lungs other monkeys must just hate them you know can you tone it down a little bit? How, how, how? So I thought, well, I'm signing up for that. And I'll use that to get off liquor because a lot of people do come away from there with a different perspective.

Right. Which I did. And but then they I was honest with them about how much I drank. And they go, oh, no, you can't come here. You we don't want you coming here and getting into DTs. That's not where we're not a detox facility and we're not set up for it. You can't come here. We don't want you coming here and getting into DTs. We're not a detox facility, and we're not set up for it. So you have to have 14 days of sobriety before you come here.

And I'm like, fuck. Right? I don't know if I could do that or not because I was drinking so much. And then I knew about this guy that was a hypnotist in Marina del Rey, I think, is kind of where that's not it. It's whatever, one of the coastal towns down there. And my assistant, Anthony, had worked for a guy that had a lot of problems and went to this guy and quit all of them. And so I'm like, well, I could go over there and see how that works.

So I went over there, and his office was in his garage. He was the least impressive human being I've ever met. And they had a brown wig that was on crooked, and I don't know if that was part of it, that you get focused on, dude, what's up with your wig? And that maybe got you off beat a little bit and uh and then he had a tall glass of water with no ice in it and he took these little tiny sips out of it now i don't know if that was part of the setup or not but the garage thing was like a velour

recliner that had to been 30 years old it wasn't well kept or anything and so i sat in there and uh and then we just talked about you know kind of what was going on with my body and all this liquor that i was pouring into it and kind of like how your heart and your lungs and your kidney like to work together to keep you living and i've had an all-out assault on all three of them for 50 years and then you know whatever and uh and so he got through with the first session and he would put me under and i would go under that's for sure and because he would have to snap me out of it. And I was just sitting there, conscious of everything he was saying, but in whatever hypnotic state, for sure.

So he was good at that. And obviously, it was kind of weird, because he said, imagine you're on the 22nd floor of a building, and you're getting on the elevator. And it's kind of weird, because I live on the 22nd floor of a building. He didn't know that, but odd. And so I finished the first session. He says, okay, don't, don't quit drinking. I'm like, great, great. I'm, I'm, I like this program. So I came back and I thought maybe I, it was four sessions over a period of a month. And, and so, but after the second one, I quit drinking. And I was just waiting for the shoe to fall, you know. I was waiting to start getting sick off of not drinking.

And it didn't happen. And it really didn't bother me not to drink. And it was set up for as soon as I was finished with that, I'd go straight to south or whatever. Whatever that pill I took. Costa Rica. And I took, Costa Rica. And I checked into this place, and it was really, really nice. You can go where you can share a room with somebody, which they recommend that experience with somebody you don't know.

But I didn't want to do that. So you can also get your own room. And it's not overly expensive compared to rehab in Malibu, which I repriced at $100,000 for 30 days. What? $100,000. Really? $3,000 a night, and they recommended a minimum of 30 days, and that was on the street I lived on in Beverly Hills, up at the top of it.

And so this is like you could do this for like if you shared a room with somebody for like, like 1800 bucks for a week. And, uh, mine was like five grand, but I had a nice room and it was, you know, really nice place. They cooked all your food and it was healthy, but it was really good. You know, it was, uh, no soda pop, no alcohol, no, you know, uh, a lot of shit. I wouldn't advertise if i was trying to get people to go down there and uh but you know pineapple juice and coconut water fucking great and uh so the you get down there and you had a group of about 50 people i think was in our group that were and uh they everybody has their own room but then there's this one space where everybody gets together for this experience of ayahuasca.

So there's 50 mattresses on the floor that have, you know, really nice sheets and pillows and blankets, and they're on the floor. And it's very ceremonial in that, you know, there's a guy, a shaman that looks like a shaman, feathers and shit. And you stand in line with your little cup cup and he gives you a cup of this mud awful taste and stuff and i did mine and i just talked to him like he's a regular person and uh i said so what do you do and he says well outside there was a bunch of hammocks it was beautiful space really couldn't have been any better and hammocks all around he's go out there sit in a hammock and whenever you need to when when it's time, you just come back in. I said, how do I know when it's time?

He goes, oh, you'll know. I said, okay, all right. So I took my ayahuasca and I went out there and I'm like, oh, it's kind of like mushrooms a little bit. I felt myself coming onto it. And then I opened my mouth and the entire forest poured into it. And I'm like, that's probably the signal right there

that it's time to go in. I think poured into it. And I'm like, that's probably the signal right there that it's time to go in. I think I get it. So I went in and I laid down on my bunk. Now, some people throw up on it. So you have a puke bucket too, but some people get the shits. I got the shits. Vomiting's way better

because you can vomit from your bed. But if you got the shits, you got to get up and find someplace. There's bathrooms, a lot of them. But I never thought I'd see people throwing up in a bucket and go, Lucky, I wish I was throwing up, but I've got the shits. So I laid down, and I tripped so hard, and it was really dark. And they said lean towards the dark side.

So if there's a rainbow and a unicorn and then there's a guy you don't understand in your yard go that go towards the dark guy in the yard don't hop on the unicorn and jump over the rainbow go the other way and and don't fight it just let it happen but i think i just struggled with it the first night. And, uh, and, and, uh, I was getting really distorted images of people's faces when they got close to me and, and I was tripping so hard that it was like my head was itching and I just couldn't figure it out, you know, how to make my head stop itching. And, uh, I thought about scratching it, but I wasn't exactly sure how to use my hands anymore.

And somebody walked by and I asked them to scratch my head. And they're like, yeah, sure. Like this. Yeah, that's it. That's it. That's good. And I really thought towards the end of that that I wouldn't do it again because I just didn't see the benefit of of of it you know

it scared me it didn't scare me but it wasn't pleasant at all you know like it wasn't like mushrooms and it wasn't like acid uh to me it wasn't and uh and you could almost see somebody's skull when they were too close to you and it was I was just wanting it to be over. And the beautiful thing about ayahuasca is it is over. I mean, it only goes for like two hours, and when it's done, it's done. And so they time it so you can do more, you can do all you want, but not past a certain point. And then at one point they turn on the lights and go, good morning, and it's over. You can't just go go home go back to your room and go to sleep real fast but

it's over all those things are gone it gets out of your system completely so fast and then there's you know there's music there's a you know live band or you know people in congos and guitars and shit so it's funky and some people are even while i was in my wildest point of this trip they were up just dancing around the room i'm like jesus christ how are you doing this i don't understand and uh so i thought and i think that's about enough right and then uh the next by the day, once I got out of it and then people kind of sit around and share their experiences and whatever. And I was into the whole thing and I was really trying to surrender myself to the experience. You know, I'm trying to do what they were asking me to do and and get the whole ride, you know. And so the next night I went in and he gave me it was a different shaman every night.

So the next night I went in, and he gave me, it was a different shaman every night, and he gave me about half a cup. And I said, the other person gave me a whole cup of this. And he said, yeah, the mother ayahuasca said to give you the night off and tone it down for you. And I don't know if he talked to the other guy, and I don't know why he said that. it down for you and he i don't know if he talked to the other guy and i don't know why i said that but so i took that dose and i went outside and i sat for and i noticed it had been a while a while and it started coming on to me and uh and and i just felt this over pouring of love i mean it was just amazing uh for everything i felt it just filling my body with just love and and happiness and so that night i was really just digging on the music got up and danced uh everybody wears

white and i thought i didn't know why at first but that's so they can't see you they can see you sneaking off to your room to get some smokes. Because they busted me doing that the first night. I was like trying to creep away. I'm like, I didn't know you could smoke out here. But so that was great. And afterwards, I really felt a just deep connection to the whole place. You know, it felt like this was, you know, a journey that was, you know, designed for me, you know, because I just felt wonderful about myself, about decisions I was making, about the direction I was headed in my life and all this stuff. And then the next night was a bigger dose.

And I went back and got a bigger dose and went back and got another dose and just rode it out and fucking loved it. And it was really just that first. And he said that the first night was kind of a death and the second night was kind of a rebirth. And I'm like, okay, whatever. So the last night you started at like 7 i think and it's over at 12 30 uh the that experience and then the last night you start at five and it goes till 10 o'clock the next day so you do smaller doses but you do them all night long and uh and and that was really groovy for me but this one chick completely wigged out and uh

and i mean kicking screaming yelling really unpleasant and uh they had to take her outside and tie her up before she hurt somebody and i thought why aren't these guys wigging out over this because i am you know because it looked like she was going to hurt somebody or hurt herself. And they were having a hard time controlling her. And she didn't even know that it was an ayahuasca place. She thought it was a yoga place. And her husband signed her up for it. Now, she had done ayahuasca three other nights and was fine.

But this time, she just fucking lost it and uh so they took her outside and they just bound her up and they stayed with her and but here's the thing when it's over it's over and even though everybody was really concerned about her she came back in with the biggest smile on her face and she had some demons demons. And she needed to work through it. And it was horrible. And I know what it was that happened to her because they told me. And it was awful, awful, awful.

So some stuff from her past. Some stuff from her past. Horrible, I wouldn't even say it. And so she went from who knows what and what place she was in to the biggest smile I've ever seen. And she worked through whatever it was. And so – and then I met some friends down there. They got married the next morning. We'd been up all night and, you know, some ceremony thing.

But I was just into it, you know. And then Jeannie, my girlfriend, came out. And then I was going to stay for two weeks, and I decided not to. So I'm going to go back another week and do it again. When are you going to go back? I don't know. I haven't decided. My schedule is so packed now, I can't even find a spot for it.

And then I'm going to do stand-up for one more year, and then I'm going to retire. Really? Yeah. Why'd you decide one more year? You know, because I had all those dates sold out, so I couldn't quit. You know, it was, you know,

although I could have got out of it contractually, I had fans out there that bought tickets. Right. And I decided to go ahead and do what it took to get my chops back and go perform and say goodbye in a proper way, you know, and not just, you know, go out on COVID. And I'm glad I did. So we're going to, you know, do as much. I'm only doing two days a week next year as opposed to three. Are you going to film?

At the end of it, you know, I should have a pretty good special to do, and I'll film it and see what I do with it. I don't know what I'll do with it. I didn't like the last Netflix deal for me, and I know they're great for some people, but, uh, for me, they were pretty tight and very demanding and they wanted the rights to the material forever. And, uh, a cut of the album, if I sold an album, they got a piece of that. And so I don't know, I went ahead and did it, but then I regretted it. Uh, but I don't know what

it did for my exposure worldwide, but I'll never find out because I'm probably not going to go on a – I'm probably not going to go to Australia next year, and I'm probably not going to go back to London next year. Right. And so who knows? But I just thought there were – you know, it was fine, and I think it upped my exposure for sure, you know,

and I thought it was a decent special. So I'll have it – I'll film it for sure, you know, and I thought it was a decent special. So I'll have it. I'll film it for sure, but I don't know what I'm going to do with it. But I'll have it just to have it in the can. You could always just put it out on YouTube or something. Yeah, yeah. I'll just figure it out, you know. That's the best way to get people to see it.

Right. You know, because anybody can see it on YouTube. I mean, I looked at Shane Gillis put a special out, did it himself just a few months ago, and I just looked at it. It has 2 million views on YouTube. So you don't know on Netflix. Yeah, that's the problem.

Yeah. Yeah, you really have no idea. Yeah, we don't share that information. That's just kind of crazy. Yeah, because it would really be valuable information to me. You know, they're really loving you in Melbourne. Yeah, well, the problem is it'd be valuable information if you wanted to have a renegotiation right i figure that that's where the source of their yeah well it's like they have they have the ability to say no so they choose to

it's you know it's a strange thing this uh the streaming world the streaming world's very odd you know and they're a large corporation so corporation, so they have to deal with shit, like people complaining about material. And this is the time of complainers. This is an interesting time where people try to get material pulled, and they don't like it. They don't like what you're making fun of or joking, and they feel like they should have the right to edit it

or tell you to stop saying it or tell the company to stop saying it well i think it's really cool the way spotify sticks by you yeah you know to to let you continue to be joe rogan and they're amazing that it was the best decision i've ever made you know and it was a decision that a lot of people didn't think was a smart one they thought it i just heard the money i thought it was a great decision that's a good decision no matter how it turns out it was that that helps for sure but it was uh also a great decision that you know i don't have i think youtube has a very difficult position in the world they're they're managing this platform where millions and millions and millions of people are uploading things every day and they have to manage this at scale millions and millions and millions of people are uploading things every day.

And they have to manage this at scale. They have to manage millions of millions of hours of content every day. And it's insanely hard to do. And they've chosen to do it in a way where if anything goes against a narrative that they support, they censor it. They pull it. And this is a fairly recent thing over the last few years. They either demonetize it or they will out and out delete your videos. And that's a problem.

It's a problem. It's a problem with a show like this. It's controversial because I will occasionally have someone on that will say things that I don't agree with, but I want to hear their perspective and the way they say it and why they think the way they think. And maybe I'll argue with them about it. But sometimes those things, those subjects can be deemed hostile or that someone will be offended by it, so it shouldn't be up on their platform.

And you don't have a problem with that with Spotify. Spotify is not an American company. They're from Stockholm, and their perspective is very different. It's kind of ironic, but they're very much in support of our First Amendment rights, and they think that you should be able to artistically speak your mind. do anything hateful. I'm not doing anything evil. But when you talk about certain subjects, some people think that it's dangerous or it's, uh, you know, that there's something wrong with, uh, just even discussing certain things. Spotify doesn't think that at all. They've, they've never once told me not to talk about something. They've never once, uh, tried to censor me. And it's it's, I haven't changed anything about the way I do the show.

I do the show exactly the way I used to do it and they don't have a problem with it at all. They don't have any input and guests, they don't have any input into anything.

Right. It's been amazing. They're, I, I'm so happy with them. I know that their employees, some of their employees were bitching.

It was a small amount of employees. I'm sure it could have been three. It might been but but they listened to them they had conversations with them but at the end of the day what they thought i said versus what i actually said is very different you know and that's a part of the problem today this is a problem with dave chappelle special right a lot of people are saying dave's post special was transphobic, but here's one you didn't hear. You didn't hear any quotes of anything that he said that was transphobic. You just heard a narrative. The narrative is the special's transphobic. If there were specific things that he said that people had a problem with,

they would have repeated those things. But it's just, he was telling a story about a friendship that he had with a trans woman, a person he loved, and he told this whole special. This is a good friend of his that he would take, I mean, he even had her open for his shows, and she wound up committing suicide. It's a very touching story, but they had deemed that transphobic just because he's talking about trans people, and they've decided that even talking about it is transphobic. But the problem with that is all of comedy is then hateful. Because all of comedy is talking about subject, making fun of everything.

From your own parents to your relationships to your children. I mean, it's like people have this unique ability today to give their opinions about things. And they have power. They can organize groups of people that want to boycott stuff. And it's exciting. It's exciting to cancel things. It's exciting to shut things down. It is.

I mean, it's like if you give a person a bag of – do you remember during the George Floyd protests, like these pallets of rocks would just show up places? Do you know about all that? Well, no, I don't. It was crazy. Nobody to this day has given me an adequate explanation about why these things were there but at some of these protest sites there was pallets of bricks and rocks and shit and people used them they threw

them against windows they broke into stores with them and nobody can adequately explain why they were there you know some of them i'm sure it was a coincidence they were there. You know, some of them, I'm sure it was a coincidence. They were there. There was a construction site and the bricks happened to be there, but other ones are real weird and you got to wonder why. But at the end of the day, my point is if you leave a bag of rocks around and there's a bunch of windows, there's going to be people that want to throw those rocks. If you give people the ability to shut things down or silence things, they will exaggerate what you're saying. They will distort your perspectives. They will change what you're actually trying to say just so that they can justify what they want to do.

Yeah, I watched it happen to Tony, and it was brutal. But I guess that if your fan base doesn't cancel you, you can't get canceled. That's what we're finding out. Yeah. That's what we're finding out. And, you we're finding out and you know chapelle's still selling 20 000 seats and right in the middle of all of it and uh so that's you know how do they cancel that how do they cancel you it's a good

argument to be independent that's what it is because if you were on a television show and that happened then then they've got you they would get you and then they've gotten a lot of people for far less things you know like things that are far less egregious. Yeah. You know, I was going back this morning and I was listening to some of my old stuff, which I never do. And in fact, some of it I didn't even remember. And I'm like, oh, that was really funny, you know. But there was so much stuff on it that I would have gotten a lot of flack for if I said it today.

Yeah. And I don't know if flack for if I said it today. Yeah. And I don't know if the environment influences what I say or not because I don't think it does. But maybe it does. I don't know. On some level. I think it does in some ways. The culture's changing. And, you know, this ability to cancel people, one thing it does make people, it makes people more aware of the impact of what they're saying.

It makes you, you know, you want to be able to justify what you're saying. You know, instead of just being, like, just going for the laugh as quickly as possible, look at it in a way like, okay, is this the right way to say this? Is there a better way to say this where it doesn't hurt people's feelings? is there a better way to say this where it doesn't hurt people's feelings is there a way to say this where it makes sense rather than just just just throw it out there because it'll get a laugh right did we talk on the last podcast about that girl that accused me of molesting of molesting her and uh sued me for i don't think we did and i know you know about yeah right and uh i don't think it's molesting when no no right what is it it was what she said was just so untrue that in a charity event at a photo shoot at a charity event that i touched her pussy and i'm like no i didn't

i don't what what are you saying it isn't while lights are on and people are, you know, that I reached under your dress and found out you weren't wearing panties and I didn't touch your, that didn't happen. And then she said she had a witness that was her friend that saw the whole thing and her friend wrote it out. And, uh, but her friend said I touched her butt. I'm like, that could have happened. You know, I don't know. I was, I was, I was having fun and I was pretty drunk, but I know that I didn't do what she was saying, but I knew that didn't carry any weight. And so they said, give us $250,000 or we're going to put this on the front page of every newspaper in Texas, which they could have done. And, uh, so now you're in a position where I know that I knew kind of knew Scott Baio in that I played golf with him once.

And and he got accused that 17 year old girl or whatever said that he had sex with her. And it was big news. And he got canceled. Everybody was Scott Baio's a bad guy. Well, guess what? It didn't happen. And she recanted it. But the recant was so small that nobody knew it right but the news of him doing it was so big and then i knew that that was going to happen to me and i still wanted to fight it but my manager is oh no wrong you he's british uh you can't you can't do this you you you've got to settle i'm like no i'm not going to do it and then they got down to forty thousand dollars and i'm like well i, I'm not going to do it. And then they got down to $40,000. And I'm like,

well, I got 45,000 bucks in a sack over here. I'll give you that. And so, and I've still to this day, hate myself for doing that, but it made sense, right? Because then I don't have to fight this fight, but it's amazing that people can say, we're going to say things about you that aren't true and we don't have to prove it. And we can put it on the front page of every newspaper that'll put it on the front page of their paper and destroy your credibility and your image. And then if we later, we would just have to go, sorry. And so it didn't make sense to go through all that. And they were, but it seems like it should be illegal.

We can make these claims that are not true. I'd say that there should be a law that they should have to wait for a conviction or something. You want to run it through a court system, fine. But let's just print the outcome of the trial, which I would have won hands down. No questions asked asked the thing is like journalism is strange like an accusation is a story and so they can just print that accusation all of a sudden to people that are just casually reading which is most people most people just barely read the headlines and then maybe read like a paragraph in right and then they bail on the

article to most people that's a true story. Yep, as soon as they see it. And I read, you know, I got probably 15 news feeds on my phone that I read every day, and you're always at least in two or three of the fucking articles, and I'm like, yeah, let's leave Joe alone here, man. Joe's not doing anything. Well, this thing's stupid popular. It's very weird, you know? I mean, it seems,'s stupid popular it's very weird you know i mean

it's it seems again like it's just you and me talking yeah right that's exactly what it seems like yeah uh because i remember the first time i did it i had a headache i was driving i had no idea how big it was you just asked me to do it and i got driving over there in the middle of the day i hit a curb busted my fucking wheel on my Range Rover. But it moved every needle in my camp. Ticket sales, book sales, every single thing I do, it moved the needle. And I'm like, fuck, really? And they're like, yeah, like eight or nine million people downloaded this thing.

I'm like, that's more people than have ever watched me do anything do anything ever by a lot. I mean, you know, a lot, I had albums that sold a couple million copies early on and, uh, 2 million. And so it's just so big, it's hard to get your arms around the, the, the power of it, you know? And, uh, so it's, it's a, it's a weird thing to be able to do. And I'm really lucky to be able to come on your show. And I do this because we're friends. And we're kindred spirits in stand-up comedy. And we hang out at comedy clubs. And, you know, we like all the same shit, you know. But it's like the people that, you know,

knew Letterman when he was doing stand-up. Those were the people that were on his show. You know, where his buddies did a lot of them, you know. And it was because you just happened to be friends with this guy, and he got real fucking famous. And all of a sudden, you hook your wagon to it, and, you know, all of a sudden, you're on, you know, Jake Johansson did Letterman's show 45 times or something like that. Yeah. Because they were really good friends, and he's a great comic and uh but oddly enough still can't go into theaters and sell tickets and i don't get that i don't understand why

somebody like joe hansen as good as he is with the exposure that he's had from that but now uh if you do fouling you don't you do a tenth of what of what i'll do with you today uh you know there's like, 800,000 people or something, minuscule number of people. If that. If that. How many of those people are really interested in it and how many are just flipping through the dials?

Yeah. It's a strange time for those kind of shows because those kind of shows were the only way a person could promote things, but they're not the best way. In a lot of ways, they're not the best way you know they're in a lot of ways they're like am radio or something they're just right yeah at one time if carson brought you over to sit down and talk you were you were a star yeah i remember first time i saw richard jenny on carson

you know i was like wow this guy's hilarious and then he sat down and talked to him and was like, this is amazing. Yeah. He was amazing, too. He was amazing. I sing his praises as many times as I can. Me, too. I tell people, they ask me, why do you want to retire? Why do you doubt yourself ever? I'm like, because I've seen a better comedian than me kill himself. And I got to tell you, Ginny was better than me.

I thought he was so good. But I went to see him in, uh, in Miami and I was headlining the club and he's coming into doing a couple of one-nighters or maybe just one. And he was really rude to me. So I think he had some shit going on in his head. I mean, obviously he did. And, uh, but I came in the little green room, he had a little baloney tray or whatever and and i introduced myself i told him i was the headliner this week and i was a fan and he looked right at his manager and said how long is he going to be in here

i'm leaving right now buddy good on you and then and then i i was decided i couldn't stand him and then i watched the show anyway i'm like fuck he's good man he good. Man, he's so good, whether he likes me or not. Yeah, well, I don't think he liked himself either. Well, obviously. Obviously, he shot himself. Right, shot himself, so that'll tell you a lot. He shot himself, and he didn't even die. Oh, he didn't?

No, it took a while for him to die. He didn't just die instantly. He was still alive and in pain. He shot himself in the head. I think he died in the hospital later. What's the best way to kill yourself? That's a good question. I mean, do you want to make a mess?

Well, here's my idea. I got an idea. Whenever I was bringing one of my cars from L.A. to here. So I sold my house in Beverly Hills. But before that, I wanted one of my Range Rovers down here. And so I was going to drive it with Jeannie. And I ride on a bus, so I don't drive anywhere. It's odd now because I don't drink.

I'm like, oh, I can just drive over there. It kind of dawns on me that I go, wow, I just hopped in my car at 730 in the evening and drive somewhere. That's something I had been able to do in a long time. And so we were driving back, and I was still drinking then, and we end up in Sedona, Arizona, the most beautiful place in America, one of them for sure. You ever been there? Yes.

It's gorgeous. Beautiful place. Yeah. So we're staying in this five-star cabin resort, right? And we just got there didn't have reservations so we got the littlest furthest away little cabin but on the but right on this gorgeous river that it's on uh just just rocks in the stream it's so beautiful and you can take these adirondack chairs and you can go put them out in the river and just sit in the river

you know because it's shallow and uh and just watch the world go by. It's the most relaxing place I've ever thought of in my life. And right by the river, there were these cute little bitty storybook houses. And I know that my room was like 700 bucks, 150 yards away, and a little bitty thing, so I don't know how much these were. And Jeannie was with me. We were sitting out there, and I started thinking. i told her is this what we ought to do we ought to just put my money together with your money and she has money too and uh and we just live here and so we just

live out there sitting at water and uh and and and eat there's a five-star restaurant right on the water too that's part of the hotel we there. We just sit out here and enjoy ourselves until the money runs out. And then we lie to them for about a month saying there's a check coming. By now, we've been there for a while. They know us. They like us a lot, right? So they kind of let it go for a little while. They believe my lie that there's money coming.

When there's not, it's all over. And eventually, they have to do something about it, right, because I'm out there in the river with Jeannie. And so I call the police. And as the cops wading out into the river to throw us off the property, we pull out a gun and shoot ourselves. And then we just float down the river. It cleans up the mess. It's the suicide retirement plan. Live however you want, and when you run out of money, kill yourself.

And so she didn't think it was funny and because she's not a romantic like i am but come on chicks are not really into shooting themselves in the head either that's very much a male thing to do i could have uh heroin overdose probably would have been better uh you know because i'd been more pleasant on the way out but it didn't have the impact you know then they killed themselves and floated down the river and now they owe us 77 000 and i'm like good luck getting it so why do you want to stop doing comedy i'm um i'm i'm i'm just kind of tired of all it asks of me. You know, 36 years, 15 years of clubs, you know, which was great. And I had a great time doing all of it, you know.

But that was easier than what I do now, you know, which is move to a different city every day. So it doesn't pay anything either. But I didn't care about money then and and i thought i was doing fine and i wasn't paying my taxes so it seemed like i was making a lot of money and um so uh and then i you know blue collar came around and i got really really lucky and so when that thing went into dvtds it sold four million copies which is a record or it was and and uh but people passed it around and it was just everybody knew it and i couldn't even go into walmart without people just throwing a fit you know because they were watching it and they loved it and and uh and so then

overnight i could sell out any theater we We decided to put a theater on sale. It sold out in two minutes. And I'm like, wow. And instead of making $2,500, I made $80,000 for one show. And then we'd sell out five shows in that market in a weekend. And I'm like, wow. This is amazing. And that was fun.

That had me smiling every day. and I was having a blast with it. And then I got to where I was doing 140 cities a year and that's moving, you know, that's four and five cities a week with hardly any weeks off. And I did it because I didn't think it would last. Right. I thought this is going to be a brief period of time where I'm making a lot of money and I'm just going to go, I'm going to go make the money and work as hard as I can. And that went on for, to this, to this day, never quit. It never stopped. It never, the fans locked in. They, I was lucky in that I had the exposure to get me there. And then I tapped into this huge baby boomer audience that was the same age as me and aging at the same rate I was aging.

And they were interested in what I had to say. And they liked the way I did stand up. And because I did so much of it, I was really good at it. And, you know, even when I was doing big shows, I was coming out to the store just like you, you know, every night when I was doing big shows, I was coming out to the store just like you, you know, every night when I was off doing sets. And it was completely consuming, but I liked that too. You know, I loved going down to the store and seeing you

and all the guys and, you know, shooting the shit and doing the set. And, you know, it was the greatest thing on earth, you know. Now I don't like to travel. thing on earth you know now i don't like to travel yeah and uh and i don't like to have every weekend or every consumed by travel and you know even this weekend i just did saturday and sunday and i i flew to hershey pennsylvania which really does smell like chocolate it's really nice and uh did a show and then we caught a plane over to, uh, uh, Raleigh and did a big show and caught a nonstop out of Raleigh back to Austin. So that's pretty easy week. Right. But usually it's get on the tour bus, go and go and go and go. And, and I just, uh, I want to do

something else in my life. You know, I want to, I want to see the world. I want to get out and travel. I want to go on long cruises and I want to go, you know, I want to see the world. I want to get out and travel. I want to go on long cruises, and I want to go do whatever I want to do. You know, I don't want to die in a fucking hotel room, Joe. I don't want to die in a hotel room. And so even though it would be a pretty nice one, you know, but it would probably be, you know, we found him on his bus or whatever. I just don't want that. I want to be able to say, okay, I did it. I had a great career. Uh, I, I got lucky and I did the work and, uh,

and it worked out great. And every bit of it was wonderful. Uh, but I don't think you drag it on forever. And, uh, and now I don't have to, I don't have to, and I, and I think I'll be perfectly fine with it. You know, if, if, if not, I'll just start doing it again. Right. But, uh, but right now it's, you know, it was so hard to get started again. You know, I was really settled into not doing it and, uh, and I was okay with not doing it and, uh, you know, but I'm also, you know, the time when I walk on stage and I hear that crowd, you know, it's still a blast and it's still something that I love. And,

and I think what I love is, is just hearing their love for me, you know, that they, they really do care. And, uh, and when I talk about retirement in front of them, they'll start booing because they would rather see me just die of a heart attack right there on the stage and have the story to tell I'm like well you still got a chance because I'm going to do it for another year so there's a chance I won't make it through that but you know that in that which I guess is one of the reasons I really don't talk about not drinking I don't know I really don't know them that well and I don't understand them that well, the base of them, but I know that they love me. My fans just do, and I'm sure yours do too, but they do. And so I want to give them everything I've got until – but I want to pick it.

I want it all to come out on my terms now. And so that's what I've come up with is i'll january or uh december 31st or whatever of next year uh will be the last one i don't know where it'll be well i hope you film something i really do because the stuff you're doing now is very fun well you're all your shit's funny but um if this is going to be your last year i kind of feel like it would be a shame if people didn't see it if you didn't record it if you didn't have it yeah no i'm definitely gonna do it i mean i just don't know what i'm gonna do with it and uh but i'll i'll just produce it myself and which is easy enough and and i'll

have it in the can as they say what we do is so weird that like no one wants to stop you know george carlin died on the road he died in a hotel hotel room, I think in Vegas, right? Is that where he died? I think he died in Vegas. I think he was doing shows in Vegas and died in his hotel. And he was older, and he had had a bunch of problems with pills and several stints and rehab for that, and those are very hard on you, very hard on your body. You know, it's a thing like

every other uh occupation i guess except acting like clint eastwood's 90 still acting right yeah but most occupations you get to 65 and people assume that you're going to think about settling down relaxing but not our business it's It's like there's something about it. It's so rare. I always say that to people. Like me and Tony have talked about this before. Can you imagine going through your whole life and never having been killed on stage? That feeling that you get when you hit a big punchline

and the audience is just roaring. And, you know know you got hundreds or thousands how many people are there people just feeling so good having so much fun slapping their knee and slapping the table and laughing so hard and just having a great fucking time it's an amazing ability to do that it is and I ate even this morning like I said I was listening to some old stuff and what I was listening to was the crowd yeah and just how nuts they were and how hard they popped at every single thing and just and but it's not a part-time job no it is a full-time job and you can lose your chops at this

and uh so i i think that i don't know if it was Seinfeld that I heard say it or somebody, maybe it was Chris Rock, but that you should be on stage every day. And I know that you try to do that. I mean, you do a million things. I don't even know how, but you also get your sets in every single week. So I used to watch guys that got famous. They were like club comics and they got famous in TV or something. They'd come back to the clubs and they would suck. Yeah.

And but then there was these guys that worked the circuit that were doing nine shows a week that were just blistering good. Yeah. And the guys you've never heard of. They couldn't sell tickets or make much money. And I would way rather see one of those guys than some guy that's just kind of popping back in for a couple of months or whatever. Those guys that did TV shows and then stopped doing stand-up and then would try to do it again. That was the worst to watch. It was so sad.

It's almost like a professional football player trying to get back into professional football. Right. It's almost undoable, I think. Right. Well, it can be done. But, man, you've got to really understand what it is. And I think something happens to people when they become famous where you just think that you've already got it and that you don't have to work hard at it. You know, you think, like, I'll just go and do a set.

And you can't do that. And that's one of the things the store will show you. Because the store, you know, you would be going on after Joey Diaz or you'd be going on after Anthony Jeselnik or, you know. Right. There's a million murderers in that place. There is a million murderers. And we would be going up all together on these shows and seeing each other's new stuff and, you know, talking about our new stuff and complimenting each other and having fun together and then you would take that kind of energy and then go on the road with it and you had the momentum of the store and the camaraderie that the store brought right you know there was a there's a real tangible camaraderie

about that place and something that i have to have you know i miss the the tribe uh you know feeling that i got there and and although we're recreating that here in austin and i don't think i'll ever quit doing stand-up i'm gonna quit touring yeah i still want to come out and do sets at your new place and you know and uh but i just want to do everything on yeah on my terms and you know just call the shots and and uh why not you can yeah i can so yeah and if that's what you want to do there's no reason to not you know and again you you've always got a home wherever i am and these shows we've been doing like we're gonna do a show together tonight these fucking shows are so fun hanging out in the green room just laughing and it's just a hoot getting it started and hearing the crowd roar and right

we're the luckiest people alive right and i you know in in california i would never ever let anybody go with me to the store not my wife at the time or my friends because it was mine yeah you know i like i went there by myself i didn't bring my manager didn't get nobody went with me and who Martin who's the big movie star that used to come out to the store once in a while and he would have a I can't think of his name Martin Lawrence yeah Martin Lawrence and and he there would be a two big SUVs of people that got there before him, and then they'd set up rails, and so you couldn't touch him, and he would come in. I'm like, that's no fun. Go out there by yourself and hang out with your friends and say what you want to say and do what you want to do, and you don't have to worry about somewhere they're sitting or cokes. And if somebody asked me for tickets to you and Chappelle's show in some city. I said, no, I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to pester those guys for tickets. I'm just not going to do it. And I don't know why because I know it wouldn't have been a big deal to you. But it's just I just don't – I just love this experience without all that hassle. That's the comedy club life. The comedy club life is a better life. The arena life is weird. It's fun because I've been doing it with Tony and I've done some with Ian Edwards and Laura Bites and some other folks.

They're fun too. Those shows are fun. I mean, they're amazing're fun too those those shows are fun i mean they're they're they're amazing they're epic when you're performing in front of this fucking gigantic huge arena filled with people but the comedy club life is stand-up at its purest it's a couple hundred people yeah you know you're there fucking around having a good time and everybody enjoys it and you're working on your you're working on this weird art form. It's a weird art form of talking shit.

Right. You know, I remember we were in the back and we were in the bar, the secret comedians bar. And you and I were sitting there and you were telling me this fucking story about the time when you were in Hawaii. And I'm laughing so fucking hard.

I go, are you telling this on stage? You go, oh, I don't think I can tell that on stage. I'm like, the fuck you can't. I go, you gotta tell that on stage. You went right from there on stage you oh i don't think i could tell that on stage i'm like the fuck you can't i go you got to tell that on stage you went right from there on stage and murdered with that story we were crying in the back holding our guts i remember that i remember that you know a lot of times i'll just miss it you know i'll have something in my head that i that i don't think anybody will like and then i've turned out i'm wrong you know that wrong. And I ended up doing that story for a year, you know, or something.

It's one of those things, if you could tell your friends, you could tell all those other people, because they're basically your friends. If you could tell me and I'm laughing. Oh yeah, well you have. Yeah, they're your friends. Yeah, if it works on you, it's gonna work. Those people are your friends.

Those people that come to see you are your friends. Right. You know, they're your friends that you don't really know that well, but they're your friends. They know you it's a weird friendship But they know you you know if you if you find an idea that you want to tell your friends Guarantee you could tell them to Right and I find that I sell them short sometimes too thinking they won't get it or something But if I go ahead and try it, I was usually wrong. Usually if I think it's funny, it's going to work.

It's one of the weirdest things about comedy, isn't it? It's like, what is funny? What do I talk about? I always have this thing that I do. Like right now, I'm thinking about filming a special and I'm probably going to film a special sometime in the spring.

Trying to figure out where to do it. And then when it's over even right now i'm in a panic because not that i don't have the material to do it i do have the material to do it but then once it's done i'll have no material right then i have to throw it all out and start from scratch and that's the panic oh that is a horrible feeling right i hate it and uh you know i used to uh i would wait until I had a show, you know, and then I would always, you guys, a lot of, I know, a lot of guys spit out a special year and I just, I can't do it. I just, I got to let that stuff sit on the vine because it ripens on the vine. It does.

I think two years is the right thing for me. It's either two or it might even be three. It's become three because of COVID. It's actually going to be four because we lost a good solid year and it's going to be 2022 soon. And I was going to do one in 2021 or in 2020. My last one was 2018. Yeah, I think mine was too. The COVID thing rolled around literally like a few months before I was thinking about filming. But i look at that material and i'm like it's better now than it was right yeah i thought that you know i i heard somebody say that that uh that they're if they try to spit out one every year it gets pretty juvenile you know yeah and but uh i i actually had a joke on one album and uh and then that i did and then uh and then i kept doing that bit and then i found the punch line to it later and uh and and so i i wanted to put it on the next special and they wouldn't let me do it uh because but i'm like but the funny part hasn't been done yet. Right, right, right. And the story was about my wife wanted me to work out or something,

and she got me a bicycle, and it's for sale. It's got 750 yards on it. And it's – anyway, it already had 350 yards on it, but I put the other 400 yards on it myself. But the real punchline was, and if you'd like to buy the bicycle, just go to my house in Beverly Hills, and it's 400 yards from there. So that was a good joke, right? Before, I don't even know why I did it without that punchline. But that's the way that shit ripens you know when you do it for a long

period of time yeah yeah and then sometimes your friends will watch it and then they'll give you a tag you know or whatever and it's and it works out that's one of the also one of the great things about having friends that are really you know really good comics and sometimes they'll see something in a joke that you don't see yeah yeah no that's amazing when that happens and there's also those moments when you do a show like like if you do a weekend at a club, and you do a show, and you do like two shows on Friday, and then on the first show on Saturday, you have a different way of doing it, and then it becomes a whole new bit. Right.

It just goes a totally different direction. It's like the universe opened a door for you and go, what about this right here? Right. And you're like, oh, that's the way to take it. There it is. There it is, and it is a learning process can i light one of these things yeah yeah whatever you want man here it's a learning process it's a fucking weird art form and everybody does it different nobody

can teach you how to do it and there's unfortunately it's the only art form where there's not even like real classes you know i mean the classes are the ones where we all sit down together and talk through shit right yeah they there are people that teach stand-up but i've never seen anybody really come out of that environment and i don't know what part of it you can teach you know and and it's right it's something you have to figure out it is a truly personal journey you know stand-up comedy because nobody gets there the same way and uh and um i'm a real weird animal because my fame all came from stand-up i've never had a television show and never had a uh i wasn't on it what was the name of the sitcom you were on news radio news radio i didn't even know you were on that yeah and uh and uh but that was a great show it was a good show yeah very

good show and uh i'm a lucky motherfucker ron white and then and then fear factor that i did watch some and uh but for the most part i was doing stand-up you know six nights a week at least and uh so i didn't watch any evening television that much. But it's amazing how many people just know you from that or just know you from fights. You're still doing fights, right? Yeah, I just did one this weekend. Oh, you did?

Yeah, did the UFC this past weekend. In Vegas? Was it in Vegas? Yeah. Oh, no, where the fuck was it? Was it in Vegas? No. No, New York, Madison Square Garden. Thank you. See, I don't even know where I was. And that was this weekend. was it in Vegas yeah oh no where the fuck was it was it in Vegas no

New York Madison Square Garden thank you see I don't even know where I was and that was this weekend that was this past weekend yeah

yeah I do a lot of shit I think I'm crazy I really do I think I need to do something all the time well you never hear anybody go he reminds me of Rogan

nobody nobody reminds me of Rogan yeah i feel like um if i don't constantly occupy my mind with difficult tasks i will turn on myself that's my concern wow yeah well i'm glad i don't have that concern it'd be too busy yeah well that's the problem with you know and everybody's different but that's the problem with, you know, and everybody's different, but that's the problem with my brain. Yeah, that is. I have this weird brain. It is a weird brain because I remember one time I came in to do your show

and then you had already done one podcast that day. And then I'm like, what are you doing now? And he goes, well, I'm going to go do my abs. And then I got five sets tonight or something. Jesus Christ, dude. Because we had just done three hours. I was exhausted. I just wanted to go home and go to bed. Jesus Christ, dude. Because we had just done three hours. I was exhausted. I just wanted to go home and go to bed.

And we were drunk. Yeah. Speaking of drunk. Speaking of drunk, I'm going to try a little bit of your tequila since you don't drink. Yeah. Right there, ladies and gentlemen. Number one. Available everywhere.

Fine liquor sold. Yeah. And will be available at my comedy club for sure. Oh, great. I'm doing the Moody Theater this weekend are you really i got two shows this at the moody at acl live or whatever it is they're calling it downtown austin nice yeah which will be fun i've done the paramount i don't know if i mean i think i've done the moody the moody is great how many seats is it 2500 and uh i've got two i think there's some tickets left, but not very many.

And I used to do Bass Hall, which was about 3,000 seats, and I would do two in that one. But I really like the way the Moody's set up. And Bass Hall, I mean, you have to literally, you can't smoke on that campus. You can't walk outside and smoke a cigar without them just flipping the fuck out because it's on UT campus. and smoke a cigar without them just flipping the fuck out because it's on UT campus. And I love that Paramount is a great place to do a show, but it's also just kind of small. How many is that seat?

About 13, I think. I was just there for Andrew Schultz. He did his special there about a month ago. It was great. Great setup for a special. Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it. i'm doing a big show in houston and katie about a 5 000 seater and that'll be fun and i'm going to start with a shunt show in arkansas so that'll be a great warm-up for that houston show and then and uh i should be firing on all

eight cylinders by uh by austin for sure beautiful so that'll be fun come on man you can't quit comedy i'm never gonna quit comedy it's gonna be the same shit that you did when you i'm never gonna leave montana yeah i think uh one thing that i'm feeling is being here in austin has relaxed me in a big way it's changed my um my my idea of what it means to live somewhere. When I was living in L.A., everything was tense. It was like tension, and there was traffic, and so many people, and the attitude was different, and this showbiz attitude.

Yeah, that's one thing that I won't do. If I find a new restaurant that I really like in Austin, I won't tell you about it. And the reason is because you'll mention it on your show and I can't get in anymore. There'll be a line around the block. Nobody can go to Terry Black's. Nobody can.

I have to order five pounds or my assistant can't get it. They won't sell you just a plate of ribs to go. You've got to go stand in that line, unless you're happy to be eating there, and then you'll call me and go, Hey, Ron, I'm coming down here. We don't have to stand in line. You're great.

But I know where some tacos are that it would change your life, and I'm not going to tell you where to get them. But just tell me and tell me not to tell anybody. You'd do it. It would slip out, I'm telling you, and it would ruin my connection to these tacos. There was a Mexican joint in Hollywood, or in Woodland Hills, rather,

that I didn't tell anybody about until after I left. Oh, then you went back and fucked it up forever. Right. I don't know if I fucked it up. They sent me a message thanking me, because I would go there, and it was so authentic. They had those Mexican soap operas that were on the TV. Everyone spoke Spanish. Right. They had, like Mexican soap operas that were on the TV. Everyone spoke Spanish.

Right. They had like lengua tacos. And I don't want to sound racist or anything, but you can tell by the way a place is painted, whether it's people from Mexico. Because when corporate America tries to duplicate it, which they'll try to do, they just don't get it. You can't. There's got to be some exposed wires. There's got to be some shit.

It was so legit. It was a small place these tvs are too new i'm not eating here i want a tv that has a screen that's got a curve to it like them old ones yeah this place was amazing and i i was careful not to mention it on the on the podcast because i was worried that it would fuck it up so good was so good. I'll sneak you over there one day. All right. But I'm not going to. I promise you. I'm going to blindfold you and take you in there.

I won't tell anybody. I mean, I would eat at Terry Black's, and I'd be like, I don't understand how people don't know about this. I mean, not don't know about this, but how there's not a fucking line a mile long. Well, there was a line a half a mile long. Now not a fucking line a mile long well there was a line a half a mile long now there's a line a mile long that place is so goddamn good i know i i i had i got friends coming in and my crew's coming in we're going to take the bus up from here so i i'm having

terry blacks i ordered five pounds of it so i got a bunch of uh nice brisket and ribs and that beef rib that just you can't even pick up the bone with the ribs staying. It slides right off. Oh, God, that's just heaven. It's insane how much good food is here. Yeah. Like, Austin is one of the best places to eat I've ever been. It's like all the best places in L.A. just smushed into one small city.

Right, and then it's also, the live music here you as big as la is they do not have this live scene no it's a different thing right yeah here they're doing it for they're actually doing it for the love of music i'm sure they all want to be famous they all sure they want record contracts but those shows no one is there to help them those shows are just audience it's just people having a good time listening rooms that's what i love to go to saxon because nobody talks that's a listening room where's that at that's uh saxon is over on uh in the south congress where is saxon that could be wrong it could be lamar when do they have shows there all the time you go on monday night and uh that's a problem with the mr kill tony but uh and watch bob schneider you know who schneider is no

fuck dude really yeah go see bob schneider uh he's uh this just this artist from austin and uh and he's he used to have a band called the scabs and uh and they were the biggest thing in austin uh in fact at one time that one of the scabs albums was the biggest selling album in the history of Tower Records. Wow. And it was Bob Schneider, and it was the funnest goddamn band. And they were always at Antone's, and they moved to some other place. Oh, look at that place. That place looks so classic.

Yeah. Oh, that's so beautiful. Yeah, that's where I met Billy Bob Thornton. He asked me to be in a movie when I met him. He said, I got a script I want to send you, which people say that, you know, and then they never do. Six months later, he got a script and he made a movie and I was in it. Wow. But that's where we met.

The next day after that was Ron White Day in the state of Texas. You have a state of Texas Ron White Day? Fuck yeah, dude. Holy shit. I don't know what day it was, but you can look it up. That's amazing. We stayed up drinking all night on his bus. He was downtown doing a shoot for Willie Nelson, a documentary.

And the next day was Ron White Day. And he wrote a note to the house excusing me for my condition. And he signed it uh there you go i look i look like a lawyer april 27 ron white day yeah april 27 and you know what that's also why uh my record is completely clean there's there's no arrests on my record and there used to be a lot i mean a lot a lot when i was a kid i was so much trouble and it was never anything big but it was a lot and uh i think i i'm not i'm i don't even know i'm telling you this but there was like i was in jail like 11 or

12 different jails wow uh but back then they were locking kids up, you know, and I was, you know, smoking pot, had long hair, doing drugs, driving drunk, you know, all kinds of things that they put you in jail for. And so they made it Ron White Day in the state of Texas, but they didn't check to see this fucking long arrest record. I look like a hoodlum. It's all years old. You know, well, one of them not but the one in uh florida but uh this texas supreme court justice was getting all these complaints and he pulled it up on his magic computer and went delete i don't see what you're talking about wow and uh so and i had uh i can't remember the guy's name but i had lunch with him, and he was like, yeah, it's gone. It's gone from here, but he doesn't have a button in Canada. Oh.

So when I went up to Canada, they were like, what about all this shit? And I'm like, they forgave me and everything. And they let me in, but they fucked with me. It used to be so easy and fun to go to Canada. It was like, yeah, come in, have a drink. I have a buddy who went up to Canada and in like somewhere in like the nineties, he was working for a check cashing company and he carried a gun on him and he got pulled over by the cops and he told the cops, Hey, there's a gun in my car. I have a license to carry this gun. I work for a check cashing company and I'm driving around with a large sum of cash. And so the cops arrested him. They checked, made sure everything was cool. Everything was cool. They let him go. But every time he goes into

Canada that comes up. Right. And he's like, no, no, no. I was, it was totally legal. I had a gun. I was working for a check cashing company. The cops pulled me over. I told them I had a gun and they arrested me. They had to run the checks. they make sure everything was cool and then they let me go yeah they that they were so shitty we we flew in there on tater air my my plane had a show to do we had several shows in canada and they were going through everything and i told everybody make sure you don't have any pop because these people don't play around like they used to and uh well they arrested hendrix up there who hendrix hendrix jimmy hendrix oh jimmy

hendrix i mean they've always been yeah well people coming across the border with stuff here's what happened it's cold outside they've got us on the tarmac they got a drug dog on there just barking his fucking head off because we've smoked plenty of weed on that plane you know he's about to start tearing seats apart which makes us look fucking guilty and then uh they put the luggage out and one of them goes over and sits by robert hawkins fucking suitcase you know robert hawkins great comedian uh one of my favorites crazy but great comic and uh one of my favorites crazy but great comic and uh and the had a joint this big so oh no they put handcuff him put him in a car we're all still out there while they're searching the plane the dog's still barking it's cold outside he's sitting over there in a heated car and uh luckily there was another guy they let us go but they kept him and uh they said that they'd

give them back to us when we left so they had to keep him overnight yeah they did the show they stored him oh my god so uh but it was weird that and i was so mad at him for so many years robert if you're out there listening i love you brother i love you but i think you're funny fucking asshole i can't believe you fucking did that sometimes people like if you smoke a lot of weed, you might have a joint in your fucking toiletries bag. You forget about it. Oh, yeah. I'm never completely out of pot for that very reason.

If I dig around, I know it too. I know if I'll dig around, if there's something somewhere. It's so weird that it's illegal some places. It's so weird that it's this regulated drug that's treated differently than alcohol. Because alcohol, look, I'm a fan of alcohol. But alcohol's way worse for your body. Yeah, me too, by the way. You drank it for 50 fucking years.

Here's how I see it. Everybody has a certain amount of liquor they can drink. And I just drank mine faster than I should have. And now I don't have any. And it's gone. So everybody else, you know, take your time. But drink, number one, tequila. It's better for you.

And it's also really good. So that's what I'm going to do. You know what I think, Ron? I think about pot the same way I think about alcohol, the same way I think about anything that alters your state of consciousness. We're never taught how to do it. You know? we never taught we're never taught how to do it you know we're just it's a thing that's probably one of the most profoundly impactful things that people do is getting drunk like you drive cars you smash into cars you kill yourself you drink yourself into a disease you you know you say

horrible things you shouldn't have said like alcohol can do wild things to people oh god and no one teaches you how to use it no one no one teaches you how to use it. No one teaches you how to use it. They just, like, let you drink. And it's when you're a kid, when you're 21, and you can drink legally. The difference between not drinking or very rarely drinking and drinking all the time with your buddies is so profound on the way your brain works. So profound on the way you're productive. Like the shit you can get done versus the shit you can get done if you were sober. Right.

And nobody teaches you that if you have an addicted personality and you start drinking all the time, you could get addicted to alcohol. Like it could fuck your life up. Yeah. You know, I have no idea. They just let you do it and then fix you when you're broken. Right. I have no idea. And I look back on it, you know, and go, why did I beat my head so hard against that wall for so long? And instead of just fucking relaxing, you know, and you don't have to drink that fucking hard.

And I'm not trying to change anybody's life. I had to quit drinking because of a problem with my liver. I guess I don't know if I told you that or not. Yeah, you alluded to it was somebody my doctors were telling me here's the bad news and uh do what you want to about it and i'm like okay well you know i'll quit so i wasn't real fucking thrilled about it but but now i i you know i i dig it i'm having fun you know i'm having fun it's not bothering me a bit and they're not giving away aa chips for my fucking, you know, I dig it. I'm having fun. You know, I'm having fun. It's not bothering me a bit. And they're not giving away AA chips for my fucking behavior, you know.

I did a micro dose of mushrooms this morning, and, you know, I'm so stoned I could barely see you. I admire those people, though, the people that stop drinking but can still smoke weed. It doesn't bother them. Yeah, yeah, it doesn't bother me at all and it's it's the wildest thing that i can just go get my car and drive somewhere it relaxes you too i think weed is one of those things that it doesn't affect your it doesn't affect your

for the most part your central nervous system and your motor skills doesn't really like a lot of guys like to do jujitsu high did you know that I did not know that. It's a very common thing. In fact, there's actually like a jiu-jitsu promotion where everyone gets high and then competes against each other. It's called high rollers jiu-jitsu. High rollers Brazilian jiu-jitsu or high rollers jiu-jitsu? This dude Matt who puts it together, he came up with this concept of having people get stoned and roll and film and they show them smoking weed and it's like they're very friendly with each other it's a very it's a weird thing like jujitsu and weed have always gone hand in hand for a lot of people a lot of like high level guys used to

smoke weed and roll you still do it i haven't in a while i've been having some problems with my knee i fuck one of my knees up not too bad but um i mean i can do a lot of things i've been having some problems with my knee i one my knees up not too bad but um i mean i can do a lot of things i can kick the bag i can hike trails and stuff like that but i worry about the twisting of jiu jitsu on it because uh jiu jitsu is really rough on your knees and so i've been trying to rehabilitate it yeah but at 54 it's a slow process man like even on testosterone replacement and everything like things don't want to heal that good they just don't yeah wait and see what's coming i know i know it's coming but i'm trying to maintain as much as i can that's so things like jiu-jitsu the problem with that is it might not help me maintain it might make my knee worse yeah

i do those uh you know there's a lot of celebrity golf tournaments and most of the celebrities are athletes and uh these big old fucking football players man they are so beat up or tired they are that's the hardest sport in the world i think on your body yeah i mean you got a dude who's you know 260 pounds running and colliding with another dude who's 260 pounds they're both and they're going full clip and they're super athletes they're the freakiest specimens that we have like if you look at an elite football player or an elite mixed martial artist like anyone who's like this like crazy combat sport level when you see the highest of the high those those are freak athletes man and in football they're literally running at each other

full blast yeah i didn't do much of it it turns out smoking pot watching cartoons is really good for your knees joe and my uh my knees are great when i was in high school my high school wrestling coach was also a football coach and he was trying to get me to play football he's trying to come on you're a fucking psycho you would love it i go no go, no. I go, look, dude, I wrestle at 134 pounds. That's what I wrestle at. I was like, these guys are giant guys. There's a kid in our wrestling team. His name is Bobby. Bobby Baker. He was on the football team.

He was 300 pounds. He was fucking huge as a kid. I was like, he and I, we're not going to run into each other. I'm not doing that. That is a dumb thing for me. Yeah, there's no weight class in football fuck that dude i was at a bar once in phoenix we were uh leaving we went and did a comedy show at the tempe improv then we went to get something to eat and we're walking to this place and this

fucking pro football player was rocking walking in front of me and he was so much bigger than everybody it was so ridiculous he was this big corn fred fucking dude from the midwest he was so much bigger than everybody. It was so ridiculous. He was this big corn-fread fucking dude from the Midwest. He was like 6'6", 300 whatever the fuck pounds. Just an enormous human walking through this crowd of people. I was like, what the fuck? Look how big that guy is. Yeah, the Cowboys used to practice in San Angelo, Texas for a while, summer camp. And I lived there.

And I met Leon Gray coming out of a, he was 6'9", you know, whatever, and coming out of a bathroom, and I shook hands with him, and his hands were wet. And I'm like, this guy's just a weird experience. You know, this guy's hands like a tire. I felt like a little kid shaking hands. That's how I feel when I shake Shaq's hands.

Yeah, bits are fucking amazing. Dude, I did Fear Factor with Shaq, and he's like seven feet tall. I'm like his six-year-old son hanging out with him at the park. It's hilarious. That was weird. I wonder why he was at the Formula One race. Shaq? Yeah.

He does a lot of stuff. He gets around, does all kinds of stuff. He's always busy. He's always doing commercials and shows and this and that and he kind of has a good time now he's a fun dude he did fear fact with me he did like the countdown he's like three two one go he did that it was fun hanging out with him for a day he's a fun guy but he's so big there he is that's right he's djing he's fucking DJing And he's still jacked Look at the fucking

Size of his shoulders Right Jesus Christ Look at the size of him He's still jacked So I wonder why He didn't get into movies And play the

I don't know The rock part Maybe he's just having fun Yeah right Seems like he's having A good time He did some movies Did he

Oh that's right He did that one He was Kazam That's right And like a version Of Superman 2 Like Steel or something. Right.

And then what was it? The basketball movie. Didn't he do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smaller role, like Blue Chips. Blue Chips, right. I think he was still playing, though. So did he play, was he DJing at Formula One?

Is that what it was? Yeah, his DJ name is DJ Diesel. Yeah. And he's been making the rounds, doing people love him. That's amazing. Of course they do. Okay, well, that answers my question of what he was doing because I just saw him with the drivers walking up,

and he had on like a golf shirt, and it looked like he had been resting against some kind of dirt or something. And it was just awkward. I just watched him do that. I didn't know why. I didn't know why i didn't know he was there doing this do you know he he used to work for a police organization some one of the one of the police organizations and i forget which one and they would he would troll

pedophiles online he would try to bait pedophiles online like he would he would help them catch them who see if you can find that shack really yeah shack is like a sheriff oh really yeah he's like he he's been involved with law enforcement like for things like that stopping child trafficking look at him he's a fucking sheriff dude i'm a sheriff i'm sure you are he's like a real one. No, I've got a badge. Oh, he's the sheriff's deputy. Look at the size of him. God damn. He's so big. That's so crazy.

That's a full-grown man standing next to him. Yeah, that guy's probably taller than me. Bro, he's, look at how big he is. He's towering over that jeep. It's insane. He's huge. But he's like a legit deputy. And he's a serious martial artist, too.

Oh, I didn't know any of this. They were talking about him having a martial arts fight against Jose Canseco, I believe it was. I hope I'm not wrong about that. But he's done like legit law enforcement work. Yeah, Shaq works to stop internet pedophiles. See, it's real. He's a trained reserve officer with Bedford County Sheriff's Office in Virginia, working

on a task force aimed at busting internet pedophiles and So he he was doing that while he was Shaq like while he was famous like he was Like this is recent Wow. I had no idea super unusual guy, and there's there's videos of him doing martial arts It's hilarious cuz like he can't really find anyone That's his size to train with right, but there's videos of him like hitting pads and stuff and he's clearly taking it very seriously he trains hard he's good and he's obviously a super athlete so you could teach a guy like that absolutely throw punches and knees and kicks and see if you can find some do you imagine getting in a fight with someone that fucking big?

Look how big he is. It's so big. So he's doing this all, you know, like it's not like he did it as a child. This is all stuff he's learning now as an adult. He's a pretty wild dude. He's doing jujitsu, doing leg locks and shit, sweeping people. Oh, that's Francis Ngannou and him. That might be one of the only guys that can pick him up.

But look how big he is compared to Francis Ngannou. Francis Ngannou's the UFC heavyweight champion. He's fucking huge. Francis is 265 pounds, 6'3 or 4", and Shaq is towering over him. That's how big that guy is. I think he's like 7'2", right? He wouldn't even be able to fight in the UFC. That's how big that guy is. I think he's like 7'2", right? Yeah, he wouldn't even be able to fight in the UFC. He's too big, which is crazy.

They do have a top-end size? Yeah, they have a fucking 265-pound weight limit. Heavyweight is 265, which is so weird. Because in boxing, it's not. In boxing, there's a guy named, I believe his name is Valuev. He fought Evander Holyfield. See if you can find that fight. It's a crazy fight to watch. Because Evander Holyfield is like a fairly small

heavyweight. Like when he was in his prime, he was like 220-ish. Right. And this guy he fought is like 300 pounds and 7 feet tall. He's a giant fucking dude. Look at this. Look at the size difference. Oh, wow. Yeah. How do you say his name? I think is it's value of

and he was i think he was seven feet but it's weird to watch the two of them box because hollyfield is you know he's former heavyweight champ of the world the guy who knocked out mike tyson and look at the size of him compared to this dude this dude's so big who won i think value of one if i remember correctly but I believe it was a like people thought it was a bad decision I don't remember it much but the size is differential so different. Has he got his hands up at the end to say he won? Well is that all the way the very end? Yeah i don't know see if you can find it online this is the end of the fight but does it i mean the wikipedia does it say that you won that fight

but uh anyway that guy's so much bigger i don't know what my point was they used to do a lot of those fights in japan one of the wildest things about japan is they would have like a giant fight a tiny person. Yeah. They don't give a fuck. They have this. Whoa. We smoked. This is good weed.

God, I am. It's real weed. Fucking lit. Scroll up there. See what you got there. It says there's largely on eventful. Someone says that Holyfield could have won all 12 rounds, even though value have claimed at least seven to take the fight.

Okay. So value of one. Here's the fight. Okay, so value have won. Here's the scoring right here at the end of this. Where is it? Oh, okay. 115 to 114, 116 to 112, and then tied, 114, 114. So he won the majority decision. Yeah.

Yeah, most people thought that Holyfield won, if I remember correctly. But it wasn't, yeah, it wasn't the best fight in the world. It's hard to fight a dude that big. It's ridiculous it's ridiculous so much bigger than them title fight in japan they they have the craziest matchups and they used to have this guy named bob sap and bob sap was so fucking big he was 350 pounds with abs i mean like you couldn't believe how big he was. It didn't even make any sense. And he fought this guy named Minotauro Noguera. Minotauro Noguera is like one of the legends of the sport. And he's a normal size heavyweight. He's probably 240-ish, which is about normal. And he and this guy have this fight and it is the craziest thing you've ever seen in your life. It's just

unbelievable brute force and power against the most skilled guy in the world. And he gets pile-drived. This is the beginning of the fight. Look at this. This is a—look how he drops him on his fucking head and neck. And that fucked his head and neck up, I think, for the rest of his life. Like, it's probably still fucked up. Look how bad this is.

Watch this. Boom. Yeah. I mean, he literally drops him down on his fucking head like a movie. It's crazy. Like, that move isn't even legal in the UFC. I don't think you're allowed to spike people in the UFC. But this is the end of the fight.

The end of the fight, I mean, the fight kept going because Minotauro, at the time, was the toughest man on earth and is one of the toughest guys that's ever lived like this guy that's on the bottom is known for being unbelievably tough but also like a wizard off of his back which is a really rare thing for heavyweight so he was triangling people and armbar people you can only do it at an elite level as good as Nogueira was in these pride days you can only do it like this for so long as good as Nogueira was in these pride days. You can only do it like this for so long because the body just takes so much of a toll. But he was absolutely one of the greatest of all time.

And Minotauro submitted Bob Sapp. People think of Minotauro sometimes, unfortunately, now based on his later fights when he was older and kind of beat up. Because he'd been through all these wars. but even then he was still a warrior but these fights when he was the man when he was at the peak of his powers this was incredible man this is him armbar and bob sap bob sap was so much bigger than him like a solid hundred plus pounds bigger than him and he armbarred him yeah and after after getting slammed on his head and you know he did that for years and then you know eventually he made his way to the ufc and he's like he's one of the elite guys one of the elite guys that's ever lived but the fact that that can happen that's japan japan does that kind of shit what happened this weekend oh this weekend was wild

it was uh the uh ufc welterweight title. Kamaru Usman, who's arguably, definitely, well, there's a real argument that he's the best pound-for-pound fighter on earth. He's one of the greatest welterweight champions of all time. He only has one fight in his career ever that he lost. It was the second pro fight. He's gone on this unprecedented winning streak and just dominated everyone except Colby Covington. Colby Covington, the guy who fought this weekend, this weekend was fucking close. It was a close fight. But Kamaru dropped him and had him hurt and landed the bigger shots and won the decision. And it was a good decision.

But the fact that Colby can push him to a decision where it's like, ooh, that was a good decision. But the fact that Colby can push him to a decision where it's like, ooh, that was a close decision. He's the only one that can do that. Everybody else, Camaro smashes. Oh, wow. He smashes everybody. He smashes everybody. Does that guy still fight, the big guy?

I believe he's retired. Oh, Bob Sapp, I think he might have a few fights still every now and again. You know, he does it in, like, smaller organizations. But he actually was super successful in kickboxing He beat one of the greatest kickboxers of all time Ernesto Hoost. I believe he beat him twice They're crazy fights to watch because in those fights SAP gets hurt like Ernesto Hoost is Assassin and then Ernesto hurts him and then Bob sap eventually comes back and wins but the one guy

who was a kickboxer who uh really fucked him up was this guy merco cro cop merco cro cop was another guy who's one of the baddest motherfuckers on the planet during those pride days and he was uh he's a guy who fought uh bob sap and knocked bobap out he actually broke his eyeball with a punch he broke his orbital with one punch yeah how do you how do you know all this shit jesus christ i wouldn't want to spend five seconds inside of your brain dude there's so much going on in there that's fucking crazy crazy yeah volumes it's odd it's definitely odd but i mean i i i'm amazed by special performances you know people who can do special the olympics makes me cry yeah yeah make you cry it does it brings tears in my eyes when somebody does something really really exceptional

and uh did you ever see that movie Vision Quest? No. It's a Matthew Modine movie about a wrestler, a high school wrestler, who he's like a really smart bookworm, but he's really driven to beat this one guy who they think is the greatest wrestler in the state. And this one guy who walks up this fucking,

these stadium stairs with a log on his back, everybody's terrified of him. And this guy, he's working as like a waiter. And he's talking to this guy, and they're having this conversation about why sports are important. And he tells a story about a soccer player. And this soccer player, see if you can find that.

It's an inspirational thing, and I don't want to fuck it up. But what he was essentially saying is that when this guy performed well and scored and won the game, it lifted everybody up. All the people who are fans, it was like there was this moment. And, you know, the way he described it was so eloquent because I was thinking about it, and I never really thought about it that way. But when someone does something like that, like a crazy physical performance, you know how dedicated they had to be to do something that is so epic,

whether it's Michael Phelps or whoever the fuck it is. Someone that wins the – was that girl gymnast named Simone Biles? You ever see her? Yeah. They have to change rules. She's so good. They tried to change rules because she's scoring too much. She's insane. Like when you watch her do, when you watch someone do something like that, you know,

you're looking at insane dedication. Right. I get it. Insane. Insane dedication. And this guy is talking about the soccer player and about how it just even maybe it's just for a little while that one moment what that guy did was so amazing and so impressive and when he scored it it elevated everybody they all felt it right i thought about it differently from

then on the uh but but it's true in anything you know that uh that that at the top level it takes so much to even even even in golf that doesn't matter how bad you want to do what that guy does you can't do it right uh for any reason no matter what you put into it because you don't have the desire, I guess. Is it desire? Is it gift? What is it that makes somebody go that far? It has to be desire, and it has to be a physical gift. It's all those things. To be a guy like Michael Jordan or Kamaru Usman or any elite athlete, you have to have all those things.

You have to be 100% driven. This is it. I mean, I found there's a lot of websites saying this is a good speech from a sports movie. Yeah. I can't imagine there's a different one. Yeah, scooch it ahead a little bit. Night off. Yeah, this is it. Thought you were sick or something.

Of course I took a night off, dummy. Isn't this the night you wrestle a shoe? I took the night off. Dummy. Isn't this the night you wrestled a shoe? Took a night off for that? Yeah. Shave, got a haircut and everything. This is the guy he worked with at this hotel. I didn't dock you for that. Hey, kid, money ain't everything.

It's not that big a deal, Elmo. I mean, it's six lousy minutes on the mat, if that. You ever hear of Pele? Oh, what's about Pele? Yeah, he's a, uh, soccer player. Very famous soccer player. There's a room here one day. I'm watching a Mexican channel on TV.

I don't know nothing about Pele. I'm watching what this guy can do with a ball on his feet. Next thing I know, he jumps up in the air and flips into a somersault. He kicks the ball in, upside down and backwards. The goddamn goalie never knew what the fuck hit him. Pele gets excited and he rips off his jersey and starts running around the stadium, waving it around over his head. Everybody's screaming in Spanish. I'm here sitting alone in my room. I start crying. Yeah, that's right. I start crying. There's another human being, a species which I happen to belong to. He'd kick a ball.

Lift himself. The rest of us sat there as human beings up to a better place to be if only for a minute. Let me tell you, kid, it was pretty goddamn glorious. I hate the six minutes. It's what happens in that six minutes. Anyway, that's why I'm getting dressed up and giving up a night's pay for this function. It's a good fucking movie, Ron White. You want to get fired up?

You want to work out hard? It's a good fucking movie. I want to watch the rest of it. It's a good fucking movie. It's a movie that people forgot. Yeah, because I'm not too fucked up to watch a movie. Right. That's like if you talk to wrestlers, that's like their Rocky movie. It's a like uh if you talk to wrestlers that's like their rocky movie

it's amazing movie i gotta watch it i gotta watch it's really good it's really good if you don't like wrestling it doesn't matter it's a it's a great movie but it's if you are a wrestler or if you're a person who does any kind of martial arts or something some sort of solitary pursuit where you have to push yourself it's an amazing i do not i do not except i play except i play golf so it's a but you were saying to get to a elite level yeah yeah so i've not done that but but you know what i know guys that are so good they play college golf one of my best friends plus four he plays the back tees a thousand yards behind me he can beat me anytime he plays the back tees a thousand yards behind me he can beat me anytime he wants to no matter how many strokes it gives me and uh but he cannot make

money as bad as bad as he wants it as good as he is college golf all that stuff one stroke a little bit just whatever it is yeah and nobody wants it more nobody's tried harder isn't it crazy that it's that close the difference between like a pro and a real elite pga tour winner so that's why i play it is that it's not that hard on your body and uh and and it's just really it's like a bow hunt or really more like a slingshot because the movement in that club head and the inertia and the rotation and all those things have to be perfect, and it's hard to do. Yeah. And it doesn't matter really how strong you are or whatever. It's like keeping a weight on a string, except for you've got a stiff shaft, but it's got to be that same motion that keeps that item away from your hand when it's on a string you know the except for you got a stiff shaft but it's got to be that same motion that keeps that item away from your hand when it's on the string so and then to learn

how to aim it and then learn how to you know it's just it's really like hunting a lot in that in that it's something that you fire and then you aim at and see if you only it's really fucking hard and uh so it's and it's it's fun to do it i just started doing it i mean i did it when i was a kid but uh you know it's i always i was one of those comics that killed the day playing golf while comics like you were out making a billion dollars plans to rule the world and when i was in boston i noticed that a lot of the guys that got really into golf their their ambition for comedy suffered because they just really wanted to play golf. Yeah.

A lot of these guys just wanted to play golf all the time. That's what their favorite thing to do was, and they would go out with their buddies during the day, play golf and drink. I'm one of those guys. I am, but it didn't, but the thing is there was only that and comedy, so I could do those two things.

I eliminated anything else. I had the same thing, but mine was pool. Right. I know. But I've never played. I had a pool table in my house when I was a kid. But knowing how addicted I got to pool is why I keep away from golf. Because I see guys like you.

I see guys like Jamie. Jamie's sick. It's a waste of time and money. That's for sure. When people tell me I'm thinking about getting into golf, I'm like, don't do it. Because it is frustrating. It's impossible. You can't do it so and and and it takes a lot of time so wow michael jordan it's beautiful it's the hardest sport to play wow that's crazy yeah and and i think that's why that that I watch almost nothing.

I mean, if there's a good fight on and I happen to be not working on a Saturday night, you know, I love to watch fights. Right. But I watch golf because I play that game and I know how hard it is and I appreciate what it is that they're doing when if you really don't play that game it's really kind of tough to get behind it you know and and find it thrilling yeah and you know too but but to be in the air that I got to watch Tiger Woods be so much better than anybody that's ever touched one of those sticks it was an amazing amazing amazing thing to me because I know exactly how hard it would be to even move me to a level that's still miles behind that. You've got to dedicate four hours or six hours a week just to shave two strokes off your game.

Whatever. So that's why I play golf. I think it is challenging, but it doesn't beat the shit out of me. And I can do it, but I've got to stay limber. I've got to stretch. So it's good. It's good. I should do more, but I don't.

It's exercise. It is. You're out there walking around. You're doing things with your body. You're swinging your sticks. Getting in and out of a golf cart. But it is something. It's something. It's better than sitting on cart yeah it's but it is something it's something it's yeah it's better than sitting on the couch yeah it is and you are engaging your mind right because you're

trying to figure out how to how to do it right and you're trying to time your body and move it it's very engaging and it's a it's a prize you're trying to solve problems and uh and every time you do something you haven't done it exactly before because it's always now there's a tree over there, but it's 156. The wind's coming from here. You got a little ball. You want to hit it that way. The green's up elevated, so you're shooting uphill.

You know, it's a lot of information to process. And then you make a decision on which one of these things it takes to do that, and you get it out and give it a try, you know, and then go find it and do it again. It's very clear that it's a hugely addictive game. Yeah, it really is. Really is. Very clear.

Yeah, Tony's strung out on it. Tony's on the golf course right now. He told me, he said, 11.45, we're playing with another buddy of mine. And he's only been doing it for, like, how many months? Six months or something? Yeah, just since he came here. I'd say a year now. He's really good?

You know, he's like anybody else. Don't get Jamie's gut. I say for a year. He asked if he was good, and he answered with, oh, you know, it's yes or no. I know that for how long he's been doing it, that he's doing, I think he's doing really well with it and uh and then just some days you can play like shit no matter who you are right and so when he plays

like shit it really looks bad and uh you know but uh but over but he does put in some good score cards you know every once in a while what's a good score card give me what's the score? You know, I shoot in the mid to low 80s. Is that good, Jamie? Yeah, that's very good. And I play hard golf courses. And I just played wing foot where they had the U.S. Open this year. I spent a couple days at a fucking storybook place. What's a scratch golfer?

That's somebody that shoots even par, so that's 72. That's better. Right, but I play from about 6,000 yards. So that's not – for a guy my age, that's about where you should play from. But the back tees, the young guys that really play, play from 7,000-plus yards. But it all equals out because there's just no way that you can generate that much clubhead speed at i can't at my age so so to have fun and still have a chance at other scoring shots and put you know put it all that

stuff i still do so you just play move it on up a little bit a lot of time people will play from back there shouldn't be back there i I'm like, come on, man. It's fun up here. Come on. Right, right, right. Swallow your pride. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, they have handicap systems in pool too, but they're all super complicated.

It's like, you know, mostly just label people an A player, B player, or, you know, a shortstop. Like a B player is a shortstop. That's what they call them. Like someone who's like a decent player, but they're not like a short stop like a b player is a short stop that's what they call them like someone who's like a decent player but they're not like a real they can't win it so what were you when you were playing i was a b player a b player b player i never was for a player but you're still good yeah i'm okay i run out like one every 20 racks yeah i i don't play enough i played a lot when i was a kid but you have to play every day to play good pool. I pick it up every once in a while, and I'm like, Jesus Christ. I have a good buddy of mine, Tommy Jr., who lives in Connecticut.

And every time I go to see him, like every time I'm in the East Coast, he and I get together and we play pool the night before. Like I have a show or, you know, a UFC or something like that. We play a lot of pool. He's really good. We've been playing together for fucking 30 years, close to it. Cool. 27 years. But it's like golf in that it's super, super addictive.

It's not like golf in that it's a much more controlled surface. It seems like golf is extra crazy. Yeah, yeah, it is. It is because it's an uneven surface. Every course is different. It's a different piece of land, and it's really beautiful. And it's really great to spend that time outside. What do you do when it rains?

You play in the rain, you know, and it's just lightning. You don't want to be around it in lightning, but you play in the rain. Yeah, I would imagine holding a metal stick. Wasn't that in Caddyshack? That's a real bad idea. Yeah, you get in the rain. Yeah, I would imagine holding a metal stick. Wasn't that in Caddyshack? That's a real bad idea. You get hit by that. How many golfers are addicted and they don't want to get off the course and they got their metal sticks?

That's just Caddyshack. Just Caddyshack? I think everybody's learned the lesson. I think some of them, like Trevino's been hit like three times. Really? Yeah. How many golfers get eaten by alligators every year? Three.

Three? Three. Is it really? It's amazing it doesn't make the news. Nobody ever does. Nobody ever? Nobody ever gets eaten by an alligator in golf. Nobody.

That seems odd. It seems like- You can look it up. Any alligator golf incidents. It seems like that. I saw this one alligator moving across a Florida golf course. It had to be 15 feet long. It was fucking huge.

I didn't see it personally. I saw it in a video. But it's like, look at this. This is it. This is a goddamn dinosaur. Look at the size of that thing. Look how big it is. Yeah, he looks like he's looking for a golfer,

but I don't think he finds one. Look at the fucking size of that dinosaur that's just wandering around where people play golf. What do you think he is, 15 feet? I don't know. I mean, I'm just guessing, because I'm looking at a video. There's nothing to put into perspective. But whatever it is, he's huge.

How big do you think he is, Jamie? Yeah, I mean, Buffalo. I feel like they've – how many are this size? Because there's either one and we always see it or there's multiple. No, there's multiple. There's another video that's real similar to this one. a tank so big it's so big and folks in ford are just live amongst them i lived there when i was this one says it's only 12 foot oh jesus christ look at the size of that fucking dinosaur where's he going wherever he fucking wants look at that deer over there

that's what he's... Jesus Christ. That would have been an ugly video. Oh, my God. If he... Just turn around. See that deer? Yeah. They're staring at you, dude.

I mean, you know how much that thing must need to eat? That's what's crazy. It's a dinosaur. It's a predator. And it wanders around golf courses. It's a giant predator. And all it does is eat meat. That thing doesn't need any grass

i think uh i mean there's certainly you know when i play golf in florida you see them all the time i mean you see them every time though this is so crazy that these ladies are playing golf and there's giant alligators fucking wars i mean they're fighting to the death right on this golf course there's the dad showed you that one course in Africa right the it's on it's in the middle of like the reserve no yeah so would you see like lions and shit they've pulled up and they had to stop because there's a bunch of like buff or there was a leopard or something that was Jesus Christ fuck is wrong with people and I

well I don't know but the relationship to. Jesus Christ. What the fuck is wrong with people? Well, I don't know. But the relationship to people and alligators in Florida is so strange. They don't seem to mind it. And now they ate that kid at Disney World. Yeah, they ate a baby. Yeah. It was like a two-year-old. Yeah.

So you get over that. It's just crazy. I mean, imagine if they were werewolves. Imagine if werewolves occasionally came out and would eat a baby at Disneyland people would be like oh my god We got to kill all the werewolves These things have got to go if like if alligators came from outer space and occasionally they ate babies We would want to kill them all if they were an invasive species we'd kill them all we would hate them You know you can't even sell like it's I think alligator is one of the things that's now banned in California

You can't sell alligator skin Which is like that's so arbitrary like why why can you how come you can sell cow skin? How can you sell sheepskin, but you can't sell alligator skin like what do you why you protect? Dinosaurs you can use its skin for clothing. What is this? Oh my god is hyenas They just for wild dogs. It looks like hyenas, but I think they're wild dogs. I think I'm looking at their tails I think they're wild dogs. All right, that's Jesus Christ fucking leopard of the conference Wow Leopards are super aggressive. They will fuck you up. Those are scary animals We're the scary animals. Yeah, we're scary too, but those are scary as well're the scary animals yeah we're scary too but those are

scary as well it's like look at them yeah ask that elephant jesus christ you imagine being walking and you stumble upon hyenas or eating an elephant ass first and you're like oh my god i'm dead what do you do i don't know you hope they like elephant. You hope elephant is delicious and not rotten and old. Right. He looked fresh. Yeah. It's just weird that if there's certain animals, like, again, like alligators, that if they were from somewhere else and someone brought them here, we'd want to kill them all. But because they're here already, we're like, oh, let them eat babies.

Yeah, let them. How many do they eat? You know, that's the thing. It's manageable. Babies. Yeah, let them. How many do they eat? You know, that's the thing.

It's manageable. If you just eat, let's say you take out one baby over five years, and then people aren't going to fucking bitch too much about it. That's how vampires used to operate. Do you think there really was vampires? No. No, I don't. But if there was. Yeah, they spread it around.

Yeah. Yeah. There's a, what is that novel that Neil Blomkamp taught us about, about vampires? I was in the middle of it. I got to get back to it. But it's a novel about the future. And I've got it here. I'll find it.

Here it is. Blindsight by a guy named Peter Watts. I've been listening to the, and it's about an actual vampire. It's about like they, in the future, in the science fiction movie, they re-engineer vampires. And it turns out that like the whole myth of the vampire was actually a real thing. They were like a species that, that would attack and eat people or would feed off people. But they eventually died off and they, they had some weird aversion to, like, right angles. There's something about, like, so that's how they got through the crucifix idea.

Right. The crucifix was, like, this right angle thing, and they did something that would fuck up their eyes. Did you see this? We were talking about alligators. This video went sort of viral. Did you see this? You have to kind of watch it. An alligator catches this guy swimming.

I did. I think that's in Brazil. Because I think I hear them say, Jacare, Jacare. Look at that. There's no sound on this one. Yeah. But he's like. There's no sound on this?

I don't know why. Oh. Well, the sound's off. I already did it. That's not confusing. Somebody probably copied it. I think it got his arm, I think, right? I think it bit him. Fuck, man.

Does it, do you see that? No, but the thing that was crazy is how fast it catches him. Look how smooth it is. Bites his back. Jesus. The fuck, man. And it gave up. Yeah, they're not that smart, but they're weird.

They're like a lazier crocodile. Like if we had crocodiles like we have alligators, we'd have a real problem. I thought you were talking about vampires. I want to hear about this book. The vampire book, it's real weird because they have like this insanely high IQ, and they hunted people, essentially. They fed off people. And the idea is that they eventually either were hunted down or died off.

I forget the premise. I haven't gotten fully through it. I'm by what neil had told me about it but this idea was that somehow in the future they brought them back like they're bringing back woolly mammoths and shit like that and they figured out vampires are real and this uh vampire leads this uh this crew through space in this book in this adventure to meet some alien species it's very strange very strange book really intense but the idea of vampires comes up as like a thing that is to people like we are to other animals like when we see you know when we're hunting you see a deer like people move slow and you you figure out a way to outsmart it and you're way smarter

and you get it. Right. This is the idea that we need something like that, and that's what the vampire is. I read Anne Rice because it made me horny. Yeah, I did. Did it make you horny? Yeah. What part?

I don't know. I hope it wasn't all the gay stuff. But, you know, in the movie, it was Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise. That's a movie where they did not like Tom Cruise in that role. The fans of the book were very upset. But he fucking killed it. I thought he did, too. I thought both.

I thought it was good. Yeah, no, it was great. They knocked it out of the park. But that was one of the ones where the people that liked the books were like, no, no, no, he can't be Lestat. Lestat, yeah, I thought he could. I really did. I thought it was a perfectly good choice.

He did it. Cruise can hide in those roles. He's such a good actor. I don't hear a lot of people screaming respect his way. No, he was really good in that movie. Really good. Who wouldn't make out with those two guys? That's what I'm saying.

Yeah. Look at him. It was a great fucking movie. It's like vampire movies. There's something about the idea of a vampire, the idea of something smarter than us that's hunting us. Right. The way we hunt other things.

I think that's it. Wow. I think that's it. I wonder if that's more or less comforting than getting eaten by a crocodile. You know? I think getting eaten is the worst way to go ever. But getting eaten by a vampire or getting eaten by, is it, what's worse?

If it was Brad Pitt, you know, or an alligator, I would just let Brad do whatever he wanted to to me. But I don't want to be eating slowly from the feet up yeah well that's how alligators do it right have you ever seen that movie 30 days of night no it's a movie about Alaska and the vampires invade Alaska in the time where it never gets light out so they can hunt for 30 days

oh wow there's a different it's a different kind of vampire they're much creepier they're much more obvious that they're vampires. There's a trailer for this. What is this? It's a new Marvel Morbius movie where Jared Leto plays basically a vampire. Really?

Kind of a vampire. Looks like a vampire. When's that coming out? 2022. It's a character that actually was in the Blade movies from a long, long time ago. Really? He's barely in it. I don't remember.

I don't remember because I bought these comics when I was a kid. Is that like the second Blade movie or the third Blade movie or something like that? I think it's actually the first one. Really? Like 98, right? The first one? Mm-hmm. Here.

Mm. Like he's just in the background, though. He's not a big character. Oh. But he is in that movie, sort of just a... Really? I don't remember him from the first movie he's a doc dr. Michael Morbius I believe was his name and it's in the first movie no I haven't seen in a while but I did

watch I did rewatch the opening scene opening scene of blades one of the greatest scenes in any movie I'm saying the fuck wrong way you've been touring so much i have i have uh and you know what it does uh cut down a little bit on your consumption consumption of television because you know just takes time to you know get ready go to the show and do the show and hang out for sure figure out where the next town is and you know we we we drive at night so uh my bus will pull up wednesday night and my crew will crawl on it and my dog and uh and uh genie and we'll head up to arkansas then over to houston and then back down to austin then uh and uh and i've lived that life for so long it doesn't even seem weird. So do you watch films on the bus ever?

You know what? I got to admit I watch the Golf Channel. It's like always on the Golf Channel. Is that a direct TV channel? Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, yeah, we're cruising down the road. It's like being in your living room. It's awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, but yeah, we're cruising down the road. It's like being in your living room, you know?

It's nice. Isn't that funny that your fucking sport has a channel, has a whole channel? Right, yeah. You can't even find pool on TV. Right. But golf has a whole channel. You can't find cornhole on ESPN. That's so weird.

I know, I know. What is that about? I like ladder ball better. It's a similar game. I don't know what ladder ball is. It's just you've got two balls on a rope and then a thing that looks like a ladder, and you throw it and it loops around. You get different points.

Jeannie and I are pretty good at it. I actually was introduced to it as hillbilly golf. I don't know why it's called that. You don't know why it's called hillbilly golf? Oh, that's what they call ladder ball okay there's another thing called disc golf you ever played that yeah frisbee golf is what you play that so yeah yeah it was all over austin i mean there's a lot of a lot of places those people they get addicted to that game and they get mad when that game doesn't get its respect yeah because apparently it's a very hard game it is it is and

i used to really really really there – that's ladder ball right there. That's ladder ball? I've never heard of it. I don't know why it's called that. Maybe because golf balls? Yeah, they are kind of golf ball looking things. So what are you supposed to do? You're supposed to throw that thing and it stays?

It's like cornhole, you know, except for it's – I don't know. It seems to be more fun to me than cornhole, and neither one of them can be played around my French bulldog because he will go get every one of them and tear them up. That's funny. Yeah, but Jeannie and I are pretty good, and we're thinking about going pro. She plays golf too, right?

Yeah, she does. Yeah, she was telling me that she goes out with you and plays golf, and I was like, oh, you're both addicted. Right. We both got that. It's fun. That's how we're going to run out with you and plays golf, and I was like, oh, you're both addicted. Right. No, it's fun. That's how we're going to run out the clock, you know, and we've decided against the suicide retirement plan. Golf yourself to death. Golf ourselves to death.

Are you okay right now? Like, is your health good? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's pretty good. You know, I really am, even though I've been saying this for 50 years. But I'm going to get with your guy, your doctor, and see if I can. I'm going to get more physically fit. I can do it. I've done it before.

The key is if you can hire a trainer. Hire someone that's good that you can get along with, and then they'll put you through a workout a few times a week. Yeah. It's worth something. Yeah. It's good because it forces you. I'll probably find a – where it's better if it's a really hot chick.

That'll help. Because that'll help me go down there. Right, get motivated to look good for her. Yeah. I think the thing is with exercise, it's really about momentum for almost everybody right once you get started you can keep going and then you could really you ever you see how much laura bites is lost no do you know laura bites very funny up and come comic yeah she's uh she posted this on her instagram page it's incredible um she's gone with me on the road for a bunch of gigs,

and she doesn't have any gluten. She doesn't have any sugar. She's super strict. She works out. Every day she's supposed to work out. Look how much weight she's lost during the pandemic. It's incredible. She's got a School of Thought t-shirt, which is hilarious.

She lost, I think, I mean, it was more than 40 pounds. I don't know what she's at now but it's pretty incredible right that's all just momentum yeah and discipline and you know and she's got it in her head this is what she's doing now yeah it was always murder for me to run i when i was when i was younger i used to run and I would run an hour a day. And then one of my knees went clonk, and I couldn't do that anymore. But I really loved running, and I could do it anytime, anywhere, just put on some shoes and go.

But anyway, I got to do it. I got to get back. I got a little tear in my shoulder, and I got to get fixed. It'll be a whole new me six months from now you could do it yeah i mean you certainly can uh enhance your experience you'll you'll have a better body to travel through life well that's and that's what i want to do you know i can see now that they're they're they're creeks that's for sure and so just people that come up with all sorts of reasons to not do it but the bottom line is if you want a body that works better you should work out yeah you really just should and you

should lift some weights lifting weights as you get older is like one of the most important things like if people ever ask me what do you do when you get older like what's the most important thing you gotta lift weights you have to you should do some cardio for sure don't get me wrong but if you don't lift weights your body's going to deteriorate. You've got to put your body under load. It's got to be under pressure so that your muscles keep growing and they keep realizing they have to work. And there's no way to do that artificially. There's no way.

Come on, man. What about those plug-in things that jacks your muscles? That doesn't work? Those can help. They can certainly help recovery. They're really good for recovery. And some people have devised exercises that they do while they're wearing those things. So there's places where you go and they'll strap you up to stuff and then you exercise.

I think there's a lot of real good evidence that they do something good for recovery. I haven't done those exercises where you get jolted, but people like them. It's not possible. Yeah, they're real commercial. They're all over. Right. It's not possible to get to look like an athlete without working out. I don't think – no one's ever demonstrated that you could take a person who's like a

dough boy and slap electrodes all over his body never has to work it just gets jolted into looking jacked like yoel romero that's i don't think that can happen right but it can help you yeah i'm just you know looking for the shortcut in life i get it i get it it's easy to do the path of least resistance yeah which is what comedy was for me it was the path of least resistance that's the only thing i seem to be any good at and so and it was also fun and easy i've figured out and just in my life that the path of most resistance is the path of least resistance the path of most resistance is like difficult shit makes it easier for me so i do difficult shit so that regular life is easier see so that's why i like sauna that's why

i like going in the cold plunge that's why i like working out hard i like doing things that are really hard to do while i'm doing it like physically hard to do like you can't keep going so that when regular stuff comes up it's like that's not that bad it's not going to that fucking sauna on the 25th minute at 185 degrees it's not you know going through a brutal workout that's good for you yeah yeah it's good for sauna 185 degrees 26 minutes a little extreme but the sauna is 100% good for you. It builds your body's ability to work with inflammation better. It produces something called heat shock proteins.

And they did this study out of Finland that we've quoted 100 times, and I'm sorry I have to quote it again if you've heard this before, but they did a study where they studied a whole group of people with regular sauna users versus non-sauna users. And the people that use the sauna an average of four times a week over a period of, I think, like 20 years, they had a 40% decrease of all-cause mortality, 40% decrease of heart attacks, stroke, cancer, you name it. Everything was way less because of the sauna use. It was one of the factors for sure.

It's hard to tell. The people that use sauna, maybe they'd be more inclined to work out as well. Maybe they'd be more inclined to eat well. Who knows? But the sauna was a part of this group. And by using the sauna, I think it was 175 degrees for 20 minutes, four times a week. I think that was the protocol. These people, I mean, they were just way healthier because your body produces this reaction to that extreme heat. And I don't know if that works with the infrared saunas, but that

study was done with the regular sauna, which is just, it's real hot in there. And when it gets real hot in there, your body has to deal with with that so it produces these cytokines and these cytokines are very good just for general inflammation for problems in your body feel better you feel more alert when you're when you're done with it how do you know all this shit i will listen to people if you're stuffed in there yeah it's stuffed in there dude well this is just one of those things that I got obsessed with because I'm obsessed with human performance. I'm obsessed with trying to figure out what's the best way to let your body repair and recover. What are the best modalities? And sauna is one of them for sure.

There's also a guy named Dan Gable who's one of the greatest wrestlers of all time. And he was raving about the sauna and how when he was an Olympic wrestler, he won the gold medal in the 1970s. I forget what year, but he was one of the only guys to ever wrestle in the Olympics that had zero points scored on him and won the gold medal. I mean, he was just a fucking monster, just an animal. And one of the things that he found out was that the Russians, the Belarusians, and all these like Eastern Bloc countries, they all use the sauna. A lot of these European athletes, they all use the sauna.

All these countries that they realized that after training, they would get in the sauna, and the sauna was very difficult because you're already tired. You trained all day, you trained for a couple hours. The sauna like gives you more cardio because it actually keeps your heart rate elevated. It's like doing cardio while you're sitting. And the sauna gives you more cardio because it actually keeps your heart rate elevated. It's like doing cardio while you're sitting. And it also gives you more red blood cells because your body's dealing with all this heat right after training.

Your body kind of freaks out. And in that freak out produces something that's very beneficial for your endurance and for your just overall vitality. And you do it how many times a week? Almost every day. Almost every day. Almost every day, yeah.

I like to do it before I get here. That's what I like to do I like to get up early. I have a hard workout. I do sauna ice bath sauna ice bath sauna You have an ice bath at your house. I have a outside ice bath you do yeah, that's misery. It's awesome Oh, then it hurt. It's not good. Yeah, it's not fun, but it's fun. It feels good when you get out When you get out, you feel amazing. Because it's the same thing. Cold shock proteins. These are the things. We can get you on this program, Ron White.

It's fun. And you don't have to do it as long as I do it. If you just did it 10 minutes a day, it's better than none. It's great for you. It just makes you feel good, too, man. And as soon as it doesn't make you feel good anymore, just get out. You don't have to stay in. I'm about to build a house, so I'll put a sign in it's right you're going to do that we talked about that yeah i definitely have a sauna i will connect you

with the people that uh advised me and the sauna i have i had one built for my house in in california and they build custom saunas like they could do one with a big RW inside of it. I'll keep you posted on my progress that I'm going to get started on. What else are you going to put in your house? Are you going to put one of them golf games? It'll be on a golf course, so I'll have a driving range right outside. What if it's lightning and thunder? Lightning and thunder's out here. I'm going to take a a day off that day i'm not all that committed to it

i play it about three days a week this dork's got a fucking driving range built out in the garage out there time to make up i just got into it 30 30 years behind oh i want one i want one there's no place to put one really in my condo upstairs i. Upstairs I could put one. He's got one that sits on a laptop. Or is it an iPad? It's an iPad? Yeah, it connects to the iPad. But, yeah, for the game part of it, you have to connect to a computer. Right.

But he's doing this thing where he's measuring how fast his ball's going. Yeah, you don't even need a ball for that. If you just swing a club through it, it'll measure every single angle of that and how fast it's going and tell you exactly what would have happened if there would have been a ball there. Right. And it's a great, great way to try, but I don't do it. But this thing that he does, I was watching.

I was like, this is genius because this is something that allows you to drive, to do that sweeping motion over and over and over again, and you could perfect it without having to chase down a bunch of balls absolutely that's true absolutely true yeah yeah that's exactly uh how people learn they invented this thing i think it's called the break rack and i had one at one point in time but i don't know what the fuck i did with it but it's essentially a thing that kind of does that for pool because the break shot is like one of the most important shots and so you can either practice it if you practice you

got a rack again and gather all the balls and rack again gather all the balls and rack again but this thing is just one ball that's like solid and kind of connected to the table so it allows you to practice just the idea of squaring up on that one ball and hitting it just as square as possible right down the middle, which is a lot in a lot of ways like golf. It's this coordination of your movement, your stance and everything. Yeah, so pool doesn't look that hard when somebody really good at it does it. Yeah, it looks easy.

Yeah, it looks really easy. But all my friends that play pool, though, they all say that if you play golf, that golf is way harder than pool. They all say that. You know, I don't know, but I know that golf is hard. You know, some days I can't play it at all. And when I do have a little run of time that I play some pretty good golf, it just feels so good. And a really good shot i'll remember for years you know just that's but i've got room in my head for it you don't have

room in your head for golf there can't be any room left in that head of yours there's a problem it's a problem there's so many things i want to do like i really wish i had other lives to live simultaneously so i could run them at the same time like manage them you need just two more heads right you got i think there's only so much room in there you got to be getting close to full you got to be well i delete files i forget things all the time that i shouldn't forget i don't mean to i just forget them but i um you know i i could see like i don't understand when people say they're bored because i could see doing a bunch of different occup, I could see, like, I don't understand when people say they're bored. Because I could see doing a bunch of different occupations.

I could see doing, there's a lot of things that are interesting. You're doing a lot of different occupations now. I know, but I'm like, if I wasn't doing this, these things that I do, I could see doing other stuff. I mean, there's a lot of interesting things to do in life. Like, these people that get good at these things, they're getting good at them because they're fascinating them. Right, right. It's not just a financial reward. I saw I read a really really great article about about What it takes to incentive it incentivize incentivize incentivize incentivize

Make somebody want to get better at their job Yeah, so they would change the environment change the pay just to see what would get them to produce more uh in what circumstances with this boss this boss you know paint it blue whatever right and and they could come up with nothing but in their spare time for no money people will teach themselves how to do impossible things and for nothing for you know just uh whether it's guitar and trying to get really really good at that it doesn't pay a dime and it's just and uh or jiu-jitsu or you know which most people will not make much money at and uh but it but it you know i know bourdain did it every day of his life and and uh and uh and it makes sense to me you know but i don't want to do it but it makes sense to

me that i can see what would be fun about it and uh so yeah it keeps you alive you know it's also one of those things that could uh if you have a career it could consume your focus to the point where it becomes a detriment to your career because you're so interested in doing it you don't really care but then the argument is well should you like you should probably do what you want to do how important is your fucking career like what's supposed to be important is your happiness somebody asked me in an interview uh one time they asked me if i was disappointed that i wasn't more successful oh god and uh i was like well if you get together all the people i took the ged with you know i got every one of them beat i got every one of these things worked out bad such a gross question and i well you know i got every one of them beat i got every one of these things worked out bad

such a gross question and i well you know i just you know they think that i should have been a you know maybe i want they think i wanted to be a television star or a movie star or whatever i wanted to be a comedian and uh it's such a question where it's it's like i mean maybe they didn't mean it this way but what what they're saying is it's like you've failed. Yeah, I know. Really, I don't feel like a failure at all. It's an insane thing to say for them. Right.

If you compared your life to their life, what are you talking about? Probably a little bit uninformed. Maybe. Or just maybe just trying to say something that gets you to say something that is a good headline or get you wound up so you'll say some crazy shit. Or get you to – maybe they think you'll get emotional or something. No, I made the GED comment. That's a good comment. Yeah.

I think there was 30 of us that day, and I miss them. I mean, trying to imagine that you should be more successful than you've been is so ridiculous. Like, that's a person that doesn't understand. Like, you know, I remember when I was, like, one of the first theaters I ever did was in Houston. It was a long time ago. And I remember thinking, man, this place is giant. And they go, well, there's a whole upper floor. They open up on Ron White's here.

I was like, what? And then I looked up and there was a balcony. And they go, well, there's a whole upper floor. They open up on Ron White's here. I was like, what? And then I looked up and there was a balcony. And they go, and he sells out two shows in a row. I was like, fuck. I remember thinking, like, that's crazy. I mean, I don't remember how many seats it was, but it was a big fucking place. And I think when you would sell it out, two shows,

I think it was like close to 5,000. And I couldn't imagine that that was possible and that you would sell two shows like that in a row and you would do that every fucking night of the week. And so for someone to say-

That's good, right? That's pretty good. In my world, someone saying that you should be more successful is crazy. Like,

in my world, you're very successful. You've made millions. I can't- You have fans all over the world. I can't imagine, you know, I can't fans all over the world i can't imagine you know

i can't i can't figure out how i did it and i can't imagine a life without it and uh and it's crazy that it didn't even happen to you till you're in your 40s right well you know everybody i think everybody better go right it didn't that's for sure and uh when did blue collar how old were you in 45 that is why 45 years old that is wild and it's a good thing because if i would have had money when i was young i was making dumber decisions then and uh so i i can't imagine another way you know i did the 15 years of clubs and got good at it and then you know the worst thing that happened is somebody get famous before they spend that 15 years getting good at it and because they're fucked yes yes you go out and come in second last comic standing and you got 25

minutes of material to take on a headline tour that yeah good luck with your career buddy i've seen people do that and very few of them manage to pull out of it and pull a good career no i how could you i don't even i can't even imagine anybody that could do that. Well, you could do that. See, I think the type of person that makes it to like a level that you're at or a level that, you know, a Jim Gaffigan's at, you know, this is these levels, right?

The type of person that makes it there, I think it's going to make it no matter what. Joe, you. But I think they're going to make it there no matter what. I do. I think they would make it there if they what i do i think they would make it there if they were on a show they'd make it there but it's gonna be harder i often wonder what would have happened to me without blue collar you know without that because that way you know there's

got to be a catalyst right there's got to be a catalyst got to be a thing and for me it was blue collar and i often wonder you know wonder what would have happened to my career without Jeff's generosity to share a stage with his friends, because that's what did it. No doubt about it. No doubt about it. Overnight, and Jeff was already the most prolific comic alive, for sure, putting out albums

that were selling through the roof. He let me go with him. Just like Tony's going with you now and my opening act's going with me. Then he came up with this blue collar. He told me about it on UpJet that he had chartered.

He tells me the whole thing. I was like, that's retarded. That's what I said. That's the kind of I was like, that's retarded. That's what I said. That's the kind of vision I got. That's retarded. You don't need four comics in a show. How much time would each of you do? Well, that was the whole beauty of it, Joe, is I only did ten minutes in the movie.

And then I told the Tater Sal story at the end, which is about six. And I was sitting there thinking about it when this movie was coming out. I was going, you know, if this happens to work out right, I didn't burn any material doing this at all. Like the least amount of material ever to get famous. But I had this backlog of material nobody had ever seen that I'd been working on for 15 fucking years and it was tight so when i got famous i had the goods yeah that uh to beat them up for as long as i wanted to

and uh you know and that was that's perfect you know i i thought it got me when i was completely ripe and uh and not before and uh and but i saw it coming the way it was working i was like wow this looks like what's gonna happen here it looked like i got a chance of getting famous with 18 minutes 16 minutes of material that's amazing and uh that's a just well you know what a big deal that would be to fucking because most people get whatever fame they get burning the only act they've got. Yep. You know, and then they got to start over again. And that act, you don't have 16 years to write.

No, that was a real problem with a lot of comics once those HBO specials started coming out. You know, I remember that was an issue with Kinison. Because Kinison was going on the road and it was after his hbo special and he had the same material and people knew the material right like and so he had to write a whole new act really quickly so he had uh you know he had i don't know how many years before his first hbo special more than 10 i believe as a stand-up and then all of a sudden, boom, he's gotta work with what he can write this next six months. He's going on the road.

And he's doing these big ass theaters and shit. And it was at a time where, I mean, there wasn't that many big comedians. Like who was around back then? Roseanne Barr, Richard Pryor was still around. Eddie Murphy, Carlinlin Dice Clay right like there was Seinfeld it wasn't like it is today where there's that many comedians that are touring and doing stadiums and arenas and shit and

theaters and there's a lot of like top flight comics now I think probably more than ever yeah so when he was doing it back then when that many people that were it wasn't the same thing yeah it's you know it's a it's kind of driven by podcast i think and and uh but but netflix made a lot of people famous i was i had no idea when i first started coming out and hanging out the store that that these were famous comics that were on stage murdering i didn't know they were famous i mean because i don't follow it at all i mean at all i don't watch comedy and or keep up with who's what and so i remember pat and sebastian maniscalco on the head telling me you should keep

it going you know i think you've got some potential and then it turns out i was so embarrassed because he works the same rooms i do and i'm'm like, how do I not know that? I'm a comedian. That dude sold out Madison Square Garden four shows. Yeah, right. Wild. Wild. He's a murderer.

Yeah, he is. He is. But you're right. And there's a bunch of them, too. Yeah. There is a bunch of them. It's a great time for comedy. Yeah.

But Kennison back then, when he was doing that, I don't think there were that many people that were touring those big places yeah i did i did one with him and uh i did the dallas county convention theater and it was a great i was a open mic nerd i found out the day i did it that labove was going into rehab and they called the improv and said who do you have that can open this show and they go ron white's pretty good and so I went down there with Lori, my son's mom, and Alex Ramundo went down there with me. And so I was backstage in a 2,000-seater in No Sign of Kenneson. Bill was there, his brother, and he was doing a remake.

And so Kenneson still wasn't there, and he goes, all right, we'll go out there. And he said a lot of times Sam's opening act is a sacrificial lamb because they want to see Sam. Right. And so apparently LeBeau really struggled some nights with him screaming and stuff and getting too anxious to get to Sam. and stuff and getting you know waiting too anxious to get to salmon so i went out and i mean i've blistered this crowd with it you know 10 minutes and and sam still wasn't there and bill was over there stretching for me to go longer so i went longer than i did i only had about 15 or so

and so after that i just had to say good night but it was i killed and he just killed and to come back sam still not there and uh and he had a kind of a dressing suite and uh and uh with a another room in the back and i was at a like a beer six pack of beer i think they gave me and uh we're smoking pot back there and all of a sudden there's limos pull up and sam and his entourage and strippers and all this stuff they come in and as soon as they get there, there's 2000 people waiting, right? They've been sitting out there 15 minutes now since I've got off. They sent a bodyguard to come get me to my room.

They said, Sam wants to talk to you. And I go back in the room. Sam's chopping up a rail of Coke. He's got a vial of Coke and he's banging it on the table. Probably a lot of people didn't know Sam did blow. But he did. He looks up at me and he goes, I heard you killed them, cowboy!

And I said, yeah, Sam, they're great. They're going to have a good time. He goes, how about a cup of coffee? And I said, yeah, yeah, I'll do it. I did a rail with Sam. And then he faked a heart attack and fell on the floor and started turning i don't know how he could make himself turn blue but he's

he was doing it and nobody fell for it but me and uh because i guess i'd seen him or whatever and there's 2 000 people he's doing the show you know trying to freak me out about him having a heart attack after doing this big lump of blow so after the whole thing was over there were people there from the punch line or people there from uh the laugh stop the people there from the funny bone that i already kind of worked for a little bit in town and uh they were like let's go to dinner we want to talk about uh putting you on road. That was on one shoulder. On the other shoulder was Sam Kinison going, how about going to some strip clubs and get real fucked up in the limos?

And I was like, yeah, I'm going to go with Sam. So I went with Sam, and we caught up about the career later. But literally, that's what put me on the road. They offered me 50 weeks a year as a middle act, making 500 bucks. And I said, okay. Wow. Yeah. What a great fucking story.

Yeah. And Sam went out. He was just like, let me show you how this is done. Wow. And he was at his prime, you know. And he went out there and just beat the crowd to death. I just had so much fun watching him. Wow.

And then I opened for him later in a comedy club and it was not too much before dying and it was not that kind of experience at all and he hadn't been he hadn't done stand up in a while and he was about to do a big show and he came into omaha i think it was and uh and i was the headliner so i opened for him and and uh he was late to that one i ended up i was supposed to do 10 minutes. I did an hour and 10 minutes, and then he showed up, and he came on stage, and he really looked bad, and he had on a black shirt. It looked like he'd, like, wrestled with a cookie or something

and had sunglasses on and went up there and staggered around for a while. It was pretty tired. He didn't last long yeah he burned hot man yeah burn hot take off hot crash hot you know it it happens you got to take care of your car yeah yeah and take care of your vehicle and a moderate rise there's a lot of a lot of good things about that base being solid beneath you and not moving too fast and uh yeah you know i got these really shitty review and they ever tell you that and uh and that was a good thing you know for somebody to say you suck dude you you're not even what you think you are you're you

go home and uh and get better and come back later, which I did and bombings are great Yeah, all those kind of things where you do things you shouldn't have done. They're great. You slip up. They're great They teach you they teach you that's how people learn, you know people learn from fucking up But the problem with a guy who's doing a lot of coke like kinnison It's like you can't sustain that like physically you can't sustain it If you're drinking and doing coke every night like you can't sustain that. Like physically you can't sustain it. If you're drinking and doing coke every night, you can't sustain it. You're going to fall apart. So all of his energy that he had,

if you go back and watch that HBO special, he was crackling. Like he'd walk on the stage and he had this fucking, he was so lucid. He was so there. When he would laugh out stuff, you know, his crazy fucking laugh like yeah It's all this shit about Jesus and like the power that he had back then there was no comedy like him before yeah

Oh, no I believe they're big bridge builders and then people that walk across those bridges and there's very few builders and the bridge he built Was he taught us that people can find you genuinely disgusting and you can still make them laugh as hard as they can laugh. And not pretend Don Rickles stuff, but really be truly darkly edgy, funny, and a lot of people did that afterwards, but I feel like that was something that he built and that people walked across.

Yeah. He was special. know did that afterwards but i feel like that was something that he built and uh that people walked across yeah kind of like special like paulson did you know with uh with that deadpan delivery i mean i don't know who did it before him but you know but a lot of people even stephen wright and some you know but they came across that came across that bridge yeah there's so many some how many bridges to seinfeld made right he that guy so many people came across his bridge yeah there's so many some how many bridges to seinfeld made right he that guy so many people came across his bridge yeah a generation oh my god march across it i remember there was guys that were on stage in the 90s that would just talk like seinfeld yeah you know they just had a way of describing things what is happening here right and you would realize like wow this guy's like they would just get a big build upup of it david tells a big one he's got a giant bridge that a lot of people have come across a lot of people sound like yeah he makes me shake

my head and he's just so good i just can't even believe it you know i after working with him i'm like i've told people i have never been that good and i'll never be that good so he loves it too and uh the guy that opens for me, I'll tell you why you're better. And I said, I'll tell you why you're wrong. I know for a fact. You don't even have to guess. I'm not that good. He's one of the greatest of all time.

David Tell is like a genuine national treasure. He's got his own style of talking, his own rhythm. And you get caught up and it's a beautiful ride. There's those guys. But Kinison was one of the first ever for me because I couldn't believe that that was comedy too. I thought comedy was like Seinfeld, and I loved it. I loved Richard Jenney.

I loved all these people. Then I saw Kinison. I was like, oh. It can go anywhere. It can go anywhere. Right. And I was like maybe i can do comedy i remember thinking that because before that i was like i enjoyed it but i didn't really think i could ever do it and i saw him it was in 1986 i was like maybe i can do it because if that's comedy too maybe i could do that did i ever tell you how i found out about kinnison no i was working at the Boston Athletic Club in South Boston.

I was a weightlifting trainer. I'd work with people and show them how to use machines and shit. And there was a lady that I worked with. How old? I was 19. Yeah, because it was 86. It was a lady that I worked with. She worked the front desk. She was a girl.

She was basically my age. And she was like this hilarious hilarious girl like a real athletic big volleyball player she was really fun and she goes and she knew i loved comedy and she was like you gotta see with her fucking heavy boston accent you gotta see this fucking guy oh my god he was so funny he did this thing about being dead and guys fucking him hold on let me show you what he did so he does this thing so she gets down and she does kinnison's bit which is like one of his classic bits about homosexual necrophilia to pay money to the freshest male corpses and so she's lying on her stomach in the parking lot and she

goes and she goes and then he's like oh my god is that a dick in my ass? You mean life keeps fucking you in the ass even after you're dead? It never ends. It never ends. Oh, oh. She's lying on her stomach. And I'm laughing so hard. I was like, I can't wait to see this guy do this. If you're so funny just acting it out. I'll never forget that girl.

I'll never forget her doing that. Because her doing that made me check out Kinison. I mean, I'm sure I would have found out about him eventually. But it was a specific pattern it was a specific path her showing me that made me seek it out and i remember i got it from a video store it was like ben you're random from fucking blockbuster or whatever and i watched it my jaw dropped i was like wow that's comedy too this is crazy my one of the kids that lived on my streets dad had a richard pryor eight track and uh we we popped that in there's some new words and some new things we've never thought

about and uh yeah man when i was a kid in high school me and my girlfriend we used to listen to richard pryor and just giggle we couldn't believe what we were listening to like oh my god what is he saying this was like 1980 1981 you know those days it was like that kind of shit shocking shocking oh my god he was like eddie murphy made me laugh so hard and raw delirious yeah just yeah but you know what and that's the thing you know even i don't even know if eddie could uh come back and and and do what he did you know the same way i mean that that captivate that power and and uh it has he tried to do it he He hasn't tried to do it, but here's what he did do. He had a speech at some award show, and he did a speech on the podium,

and he talked about them taking Bill Cosby's honorary degree away from him, taking awards away from him. What was it about? Was it awards or degrees? But they took something away from him because of the allegations when he went to jail. Right. So, you know, he always did a great Bill Cosby impression. Right.

Because Bill Cosby fucked with him early in his career. So he had that whole bit about calling up Richard Pryor because Bill Cosby calls him up and he does an impression saying. You drink a Coke and shut the fuck up. Yeah. That's what Richard Pryor tells him. Did the people laugh? Did you get paid? Tell Bill to have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.

Which is the perfect person to call. I mean, imagine being Eddie Murphy and the guy you're calling because Bill Cosby's fucking with you is Richard Pryor. The one guy that trumps Bill Cosby. Right. Right? If you need like – In stand-up, right? Yeah, you want a stand-up mentor.

Bill Cosby's amazing. Richard Pryor's the goat. You know, if there's a goat goat, he's the goat. No doubt about it. It's hard to say. There's a lot of greats, you know. Cosby's certainly one of them, too. Cosby's one of them.

As gross as it sounds, hearing that he's a rapist. His art, if you could separate the man from the art, he was a masterful stand-up comedian. And a bridge everybody walked across. I mean, everybody that's ever done his comedy special watched Bill Cosby himself. Yeah, so look at this, because this is fucking funny shit. So I was like, listen to how good his timing is. Give me some...

Carl Reiner and Lily Tomlin. Who else got this? bill has one of these did y'all make bill give his back no cuz I know there was a big outcry from people it was trying to get bill to give his trophies back you know you up when they want you to give your trophies back you up when they want you to give your trophies back? Trophy back to you he should do one show we just come out and just talk crazy now I Would like to talk to

Some of the people who feel That I should give back my trophies! This is bleeped out. We're bleeping out the squares. Look how great this is. Is that because you may have heard recently that I allegedly put the pill in the people's chocolate. Jesus Christ. I wish somebody would come up to my house talking about giving up the trophy because you put the pill in the people's chocolate.

You get that. Because I'm not giving back. And who is Hannibal Buress? Hannibal Buress! First of all, Hannibal is a caveman's name. And you're going to just come on out and push over an apple cart to Hannibal. If I ever see or meet this Hannibal Bereson person, I am going to try to kill this nigger. Jesus Christ. Even that little spot of

misdirection right right right before he said bill like like he forgot you know for a second which makes the whole thing look improvised which is a genius genius come on man that's solid stand yeah right no okay that answers my question right and he And he's just in front of a podium holding on to this trophy and just doing this routine that he prepared. And killing a traditionally tough audience, I'm sure. Not only that, did he practice that? Where is he practicing? He's not going up to comedy clubs. I didn't see him up there.

So he's killing without any practice. Okay. I take back everything I said. I mean, just think about how good he was when he was young and imagine all the life experience he has now and how much better he would be now no no no doubt no just just changed his mind and did something else and yeah just decided to do movies right no i mean a lot of people like the pressure of creating the pressure of live performance and people after a while they don't want to deal with that shit anymore you know A lot of people, like the pressure of creating, the pressure of live performance.

People, after a while, they don't want to deal with that shit anymore. You know? Some of the greats. Like, he's one of the most talented guys that's ever existed. Yeah. I mean, I can't even, you know, describe what I thought of him the first time I saw and how hard I laughed, you know? And even Seinfeld. I saw Seinfeld when I just started doing stand-up and he was at the uh at the improv in dallas and it was my birthday and uh and they uh they just got me a good table

i mean i was just a open micer and they didn't uh and they told us he was making 25 grand for the week you know it all sold out and i laughed so goddamn hard i couldn't breathe. I mean, I just got caught up in his rhythm and it was, you know, and he just beat the fuck out of me. It was so good. He was a monster. Yeah, it was so good. And even as an actor, think about the variety of roles he can play.

He did Beverly Hills Cop, but he also did Bowfinger. Remember he played that like dorky guy in Bowfinger with braces? Oh, right, right, right. The Steve Martin movie? That was a fucking great movie. It was a fun movie. I remember that. also did bow finger remember he played that like dorky guy and bow finger with braces oh right right right the steve martin movie that was a fucking great movie it was a fun i remember that i saw that he was great in that like he does all these things like when he does those movies like the nutty professor and he plays like two different characters and he puts a giant rubber suit on and shit yeah fucking hilarious insane yeah like the guy like I wonder why I didn't have a better career.

I don't know if you want that. Do you know the Macon Belly Bills Cup 4? Are they really? I didn't hear that. Well, he still looks like he's 30. That's what's crazy, too. He looks fantastic. Like, when you look at Eddie Murphy, he looks like he's 30 years old.

He's got to be 60, right? He's got to be. He's got to be 60. How old is he? Wrong thing. I want him maybe 58. Let's say he's gotta be gotta be 60 how old is he i want maybe 58 let's say he's 58 60 60 60 he looks like he's fucking 30 you didn't even know it was in there i didn't even know it was in there i took a guess but he looks like he's 30 he looks amazing yeah no he does that's that's a very unusual person so if he wanted to go back and do stand-up again, I really think he would go back and just murder.

I think he would murder. But, you know, it's whatever he wants. Yeah, you know, Martin quit because he thought he figured out that he was really a parody of a comic and knew it and invented it and built that bridge and then didn't think it could be reinvented again that he couldn't keep going down that same path and yeah well you get to be a different person as you get older too right right i mean you you really are not the same person you were even five years ago and if you're this person that now you really don't want to be a comic

anymore and then you keep doing it you're not that's not going to be good yeah right you don't have to it's but the thing is it's like try replacing that with something that is that exciting and that rewarding it's very hard difficult i mean probably impossible you know it's it's it's staying out of you know people getting used to being you know in sports or whatever having that live reaction to what you're doing and the love and all that energy that you feel that's transferred to you by those people that adore you when you're on stage. Yeah, that'll be tough. It's fucking hard.

And it's also like there's a weird connection you have to people. It's a different kind of connection you have to the people in the world. The way you interface with the world is very different than the way the average person interfaces with the world. The average person is going places

and people don't know who they are. They prove themselves over and over again with each interaction. Everywhere you go, people know you're Ron White. You walk in and it's, oh, Ron White's here. You get a different vibe. But I'm not famous like you are. It's not the same thing.

Because of the way it all came up, I think most people don't have any idea who I am. You drift by for the most part. Huh? You drift through. Yeah. Get around better. Yeah. And just nothing I did ever had that huge television-type exposure every week.

exposure every every week so and that's that's another i'm a i'm the least famous guy at the mirage but i'm there but i'm their top comic i mean that i mean a lot of people if they wanted to do more you could own the place if you wanted to but uh but i they still work me more because i don't know because i still my fan base is big just people don't know who I am if they're not part of it you know I guess I don't right right right but which is great you know it's great it's a weird life it's a weird life but it's the only life we know that's what's strange you know like one of the weird things about show business and and fame in general is that if you see someone who used to be famous, it's sad. Yeah.

I had a guy. This is a funny story. It really did happen. The guy was being a dick to me at CBS. He was working at CBS behind the cash register. And he's like, your guy that was on that show, huh? What happened to your show? He was being a dick to me. I go, yeah, it got canceled. Yeah, your show, what happened to your show? Like, he was being, like, a dick to me.

I go, yeah, it got canceled. Yeah, your show, what happened to it? I go, it got canceled. I'm like, what is happening here? You're working at CVS. You're the counter guy. Like, I'm not saying it's a bad thing to be, but you're giving me shit.

Like, you think that it's good, it's fun? He was like a dick. He was like, for no reason. Like, I didn't say a word to the guy. He just decided that it would be fun to fuck with me that I used to, it's fun. He was like a dick. He was like, for no reason. Like, I didn't say a word to the guy. He just decided that it would be fun to fuck with me that I used to be on a show. I was like, wow, this is the strangest interaction I've ever had. Talking about a guy with blinders on.

Yeah. But if you see someone who used to be famous and now they're not, it's sad. Yeah, it is. But if you just see a regular person, it's not sad. Well, if... Right? Unless they've done well with their money.

If you used to be famous and you got money, then that's not sad. But if you're Gary Coleman and now you're working as a security guard. Famous and broke is really fucking common and sad. But I guess it's sad because you had a better situation and you fucked it up. Yeah, you could have done something that would have kept you going. Right. Now you've got to kill yourself. Or celebrity boxing. Come on, Gary Coleman was a celebrity boxer?

He didn't, but some of those folks from back then did. I mean, they're doing that again now, right? Celebrity rehab. Yeah. That was very popular. I probably could have gotten that. Oh, you definitely could have gotten that. It would have been perfect for you,

especially if you had no intentions of really rehabilitating. Yeah. Celebrity rehab was ridiculous. Like, that is the worst place ever to be when you're going through recovery with cameras on you. That's so terrible. You want to talk about a show that was produced by people that clearly didn't care about the results. That drove Stanhope crazy.

I think he even had a bit about it. It drove Stanhope crazy that these people were doing this and trying to peddle it off like they're helping people with addiction problems. You're using them. You're putting them on a fucking television. It's not helping them at all to have the whole world see them with no makeup on, strung out, hungover, crying. You're focusing on— Talking about how you wasted all this money on pussy and cocaine. Your kids don't want to talk to you on the phone.

Fuck, man. That is not want to talk to you on the phone. You know, like, fuck, man. Like, that is not a good thing to be on television. Like, you're exploiting those people in a way, you know? It's the worst way to, like, try to experience a tragic moment of your life, to do it in front of the whole world in a reality show where they edit it for sensationalism, know yeah it's brutal those people are brutal that's for sure oh i could never figure out television but i never but i didn't try that hard you know i didn't spend that much time on it when i really got a big taste of it um with a couple of development deals and

then as opposed to how you know how i did in stand-up yeah i just picked stand-up because at that point it's i mean if you're a club act and you got a shot at tv that's one thing but if you got an established theater career yeah and's like you've got to drop a brass ring to get a brass ring when you've already got a brass ring, and it's like, fuck, I think I'm just going to hold on to this and let you guys fight that out. There's this thing that happens when you start working in television again, when you have it for a while, you realize, like,

oh, there's so many people involved in these decisions, and then some of them I don't agree with what their sensibilities are, and we're in this weird quagmire here where I thought they were just going to let me be me and then not. Right. Those folks that are doing those television shows, they're all worried. If you say something crazy and people get mad at you, they lose their job. How are they going to pay their mortgage?

So you have all these folks around you that are dependent. That are just trying not to lose it. Don't tip the apple cart over, Ron White. Come on, Ron. I know you like to get crazy, but let's not get crazy on this show. Yeah, I did a Tales of Gong show. Oh, that's right. He hosts the Gong show. Yeah, I did it twice.

No, I think I did it once. But we filmed a couple shows. And they wouldn't let me smoke my cigar. They wouldn't let me have my character or whatever, what I do anyway. But I sell it off as whatever. They wouldn't let me do it. And one of the contestants juggled fire on a unicycle. And I'm like, I can't sit here and smoke a fucking cigar.

And it embarrassed Dave, I know, because I was shitty about it, and they were shittier about it. And apparently somewhere in that contract I didn't read, there was a segment about smoking, and they were going to, you know. And they were just so, I I did it but I'm like well that's the problem would you hire me if you want a non smoker you know only way I wouldn't see that that would make any sense is if they had some sort of union regulation that applied to the theater that they were filming in and

they couldn't do anything about it it's still a stage prop you know I look I agree I mean that's how they get away with it at comedy clubs I mean Chappelle smokes all the fucking time he smokes everywhere. I mean, that's how they get away with it at comedy clubs. I mean, Chappelle smokes all the fucking time. He smokes everywhere. You know, I mean, that's how he gets away with it. It's like, it's a comedy prop. It's a stage prop, but it's, uh, it's also, it's an indication that you don't want to be working with those people. Like there's too many people, too many people's ideas. If someone can actually say, Hey, you, one of the funniest guys alive whatever you do i'm gonna i'm gonna change some of that because i want i have an arbitrary rule even though i have ventilation

in this place and even though it's a cigar and like i have an arbitrary rule i'm gonna decide that you can't do that you know in canada they all they they they really got to the point where i said you know a couple times I got fined $100. I'm like, okay, I got it. Were you smoking on stage? Yeah, I was smoking on stage. That's perfect. That's fine, $100.

I'm in. Yeah. Can I buy everybody coffee, too? Yeah. But in Canada, they were like, well, no, they actually hold all your money, and then they decide how much of it they're going to keep because you smoked at Massey Hall. Oh, my God. I'm like, okay, okay, okay okay it won't do it oh jesus turns out doesn't matter i can go out there for an hour yeah fuck it's uh you know you think anybody's still listening? Yes. You do? There's like 30 people still.

These are long haulers. Can you still say long haul because of COVID? You're allowed to say long haul and not have people think of long haul COVID? I think you can. We just did. All right. Shall we wrap it up, Ron White? We're going to go do a set, man. Yes.

So at some point. We are. I got to go get fitted for a suit that I'm going to wear on Saturday. Look at you. Yeah. Getting all tucked in and measured out. Right. I'll probably lose three or four more pounds.

Nice. By next week. Nice. I appreciate you, brother. Thank you very much. Thanks for being here. Thanks for having me. I always forget we're doing something.

Anytime. Anytime you want to. While you're in town, let's do it on a regular basis. I always forget we're doing something. Anytime. Anytime you want to. While you're in town, let's do it on a regular basis. It's a living room, Hank. Yes, exactly. All right. And next time, I got a little stone, and I got to admit, in the mushroom, it wasn't in a capsule. I was kind of measuring it out.

So I got a little fucked up right there in the middle of it. Yeah, we both were and uh i think it worked out so i uh i hope the fans enjoy it i can't imagine uh the the 10 million people maybe will uh download i don't know how many people will download it but uh i hope they like it too okay bye-bye bye bye bye bye see ya