The Joe Rogan Experience - #175 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: January 10, 2012

Joe sits down with Ari Shaffir.

The Joe Rogan Experience. Sneakiest commercials ever. During my day, Joe Rogan podcasts my night, all day. I'm revolutionizing commercials. I was trying to get mushrooms for Renazisi and Reap. Yeah. They were in Missouri for Shroomfest. I was like, I'll find them for you.

Oh, wow. You were putting a network of police officers? Yeah, I was like, I'll call them my favorites if you guys want to take part in this. But then somebody was like, why don't you just pick them? They're all over. Really? And I realized, like, I trust my drug guys want to take part in this. But then somebody was like, why don't you just pick them? They're all over. Really? And I realized I trust my drug dealer over what I find in nature. I had a guy come up to me after the show once, one of the creepiest dudes ever.

He was just sweaty and weird and shit. And he gave me a bag of mushrooms. Hey, man, I picked these myself. I'm like, I would fucking take your mushrooms, crazy face. But you picked yourself. Yeah, but who do you trust? You trust a regular drug dealer? He's just a weird looking dude, man.

Well, you trust people who know the right people who are growing them. You've got to get into the deep matrix of where to get the mushrooms. That's the problem. The other ones are super poisonous. Yeah, it's fucking— In the wrong way. I don't know how much different psilocybin mushrooms look than any other mushrooms. By the time I get them, they're all dried out and someone's taking care of them i've never seen one i don't

think out in the wild i've never seen that red top oh i've seen that man really that was on my property in colorado so did you take that no i didn't but i just took pictures of it oh that's that was a red top with the dot with the with the spots with the white maria brother ones yeah the amanita muscaria yeah that's That's the one that John Marco Allegra. Well, no. See, that's a very funky mushroom. It's a really different mushroom. It doesn't have psilocybin in it.

It works in a completely different way with your body. What is it? It's a psychedelic, but it's completely different. And it's seasonable. It's variable genetically. It's variable from different climates. What we're getting in Americaica i don't believe is the same amanita muscaria mushroom there's been a lot of debate on this amongst uh all those uh

psychedelic connoisseurs those people those terence mckenna type fellows and um that's one of the reasons why a lot of people have taken it and it doesn't do anything i took it once and it didn't do shit i took it with uh dhope. 17. Just weak mushrooms? 18. Maybe. I don't know, man. Jan made it. 17. So what were they? 18. Jan's a fucking... He's a real head. 19. I would trust him. I would trust him. 20. Yeah, he would. And he did the right thing. He did it all right, but it just wasn't getting

us. But then... 21. Was it one of the early batches? 22. Did you eat any time near that time that you took it though? Because I found recently that's exactly what happens to me. 23. No, no, no, no. We did it the right way. We did it the right way. But then we mixed it with psilocybin mushrooms, dug through in some psilocybin,

and then we went to the fucking center of the universe. It's like mixing them together was, wow, was a total mind fuck. And that was one of the things that they believe is Soma. Soma was some sort of a mixture. It's talked about with great reverence in the Hindu texts. Soma is greater than Brahma, greater than Indra. Soma the pill?

Soma. No, no, no. They just stole the word. What Soma is is like the greatest psychedelic ever, apparently. So what is that? They don't know. That's the craziest thing about it. It's written with so much love, but somehow, somewhere, they lost the formula.

Nobody knows what Soma is. So it's all debated. Like Gordon Wasson thought it was the aminida muscaria. McKenna thought it was psilocybin. They think it might be a accommodatory drug with psilocybin mixed in with some other stuff. And some people think it might be psilocybin and aminida muscaria. they don't know why is this aminine and muscaria how does that hit you what does that do for you well it depends on where you get it see everybody's gonna like i said if you i don't i can't speak from personal experience because what i got didn't really work i don't

think it's hard to tell because it was like a few hours and it really hadn't but nothing had changed but without psilocybin i don't know i mean it's supposed to yeah it's supposed to be able to but i don't know what in what form i don't know what part of the world you got to get it it's it's variable that's the that's the issue with it it's not always psychedelic but what it is is santa claus the the fucking the image of santa claus being this red and white guy you. The image of the trees underneath the pine, excuse me, the presents underneath the pine cones or the pine trees.

It has a mycorrhizal relationship with birch trees. It literally grows under these fucking Christmas trees. That's where it grows. And it's well wrapped in shiny colors. Yeah, it's beautiful. It's shiny as fuck. Sounds like an Eddie Griffin conspiracy theory. It does.

It does, but that's really what it is. I mean, the whole Christmas presents under the tree thing is directly related to this Amanita muscaria mushroom. It is red and white. And the way they dry these mushrooms out, by the way, is they hang them over the fireplace. That's why people have red and white stockings hanging over their fireplace.

Why the fuck else would you do this? To dry them out? To dry them out. Nice. Yeah, that's what it is. So it's become this stocking now. What it used to be is red and white mushrooms hanging underneath your fireplace.

Where's the proof of that? There's a lot of proof. A lot of proof. There's not only that. All the old, if you go back to all the old Christmas cards, they all have mushrooms in them. Mushroom symbology. Big, emanated mushroom.

They have elves. What old Christmas? All the old Christmas cards. The elves look like mushrooms. Well, the elves are what you see when you take mushrooms. If you take enough. And then on top of it, these elves are always playing with mushrooms. They always have this

Amanita muscaria mushroom in Santa Claus. Really? Yeah, if you go back and look. Wait, hold on. I thought Coca-Cola made up Santa Claus. No, no, no, no. What did Coca-Cola make up? Oh, you hold on. I thought Coca-Cola made up Santa Claus. No, no, no, no. What did Coca-Cola make up? Oh, you silly Jew. What did Coca-Cola make up? The colors?

No. That was claimed, but then there became proof that there was an artist from at least, I believe, a decade or two before that who was attributed to making Santa Claus red and white. They thought that Santa Claus was one color and then it was made red and white because of Coca-Cola. Co-created the black Santa Claus. I think Coca-Cola just created the black one.

I'm going to find some pictures for you. It was like grooving with some Coca-Cola Santa. And so it always had mushroom stuff in it in the Christmas time? Did it grow in that time? See, I hear this. Come here. I bet there is. Come on over here. Look at this. always had mushroom stuff in it in the christmas time did it grow in that time um see i i i hear this come here look at this come on over here come on over here look at this all these christmas things look at that i know and those are all these santa claus and all the people and every

single person that drew every single one of those lived in california dude dude you're retarded this is old as fuck these are from the 1700s dude oh yeah okay look this is old as fuck see this christmas look amanita muscaria mushroom that's a really old picture dude okay there's there's a These are from the 1700s, dude. Oh, yeah. Okay, look. This is old as fuck. See this? Christmas. Look. Amanita, muscaria, mushroom. That's a really old picture, dude. Okay, there's a bunch of them. Look at them.

This is like all... From a long time ago, that was the norm. A long time ago in Europe, especially, that was the norm. Give up that website so people can look at this. This is what I want you to Google. Just Google Santa and Amanita Muscaria. M-U-S. Image shirt.

Yeah, but you look at the identity. If you go to, like, say, I don't know where Christmas was born. It seems like it was born in Germany or something. But if you go to Germany and look at the same year, try to find artwork of the same Christmas stuff, like stuff in Germany from that exact time period. And I bet none of them had mushrooms on. They all had something else. Well, you're just guessing this off the top of your head, but I'm showing you pictures.

No, I'm just saying that. But that's what I would think. Well, you would think wrong, because I'm showing you pictures of Christmas cards from the 1700s that have all these mushrooms. I'm sure there was. There was some wacky Christmas cards back in the 1700s. No, no, no, Brian. There's a lot of them.

Look at this one right here. Look at this one right here with this, there's an old picture of Santa, and he's got all these fucking aminated muscaria mushrooms at his feet. Where's that from? Oh, fuck, man, let me find out. It's old as fuck.

But where's it from? Officially old as fuck. I'll find out the ages of the pictures. But these are, you know, these are like ancient fucking Christmas cards I could see Easter I just can't see Santa Claus why would you not see it

I don't know it's just like why is this not talked about all the time then you know like why is this not on regular TV

in the news I feel like this is like the Tower 7 of holiday stories so you're saying it's sort of just got lost

the mushrooms are just in it look there's so many correlations. Listen to the connections, okay? Yeah. The way they dry these fucking things out is twofold. One, they hang them on the trees.

They put them in the branches so they dry by the sun. Or B, they hang them under the fireplace. What do they do? You see fucking stockings hanging on the fireplace. And see, ornaments shine in the tree. They literally grow under the same tree that we use as a Christmas tree. And they are shiny packages. And if you get them from the right place,

apparently they make you trip the fuck out. And that's the mushroom that they believe is responsible for the writings in the Bible. It's the sacred mushroom in the cross. The amanita muscaria mushroom is on the cover's the sacred mushroom in the cross. The amanita muscaria mushroom is on the cover of the sacred mushroom in the cross. It just makes sense to me that if scholars believe that there's a connection between this mushroom and religious texts,

then of course there's a connection between this mushroom and Santa Claus. And if you add up all the things that line up as far as like hanging it over the fireplace and putting it on trees, it totally could be possible. So if you go to Encyclopedia Britannica's headquarters in wherever that would be, like Wisconsin, and you go to them and go, all right, what is Christmas to you?

What do you guys have about the mushroom thing? They're like, what the fuck are you talking about? Get out of here, hippie. Wouldn't you think that? Well, I think that they're not that willing to incorporate any sort of illegal drug ideology into their work. They probably just would ignore it, even if there's a lot of evidence. Do you think sometimes that people that do a lot of mushrooms try to make connections with everything in past history? Sure, definitely they do.

420 people do that. I think that's what my judgment, if I had to judge, like if this was a game show, that's what my judgment would be. It's like, yeah, that's just some hippie that made this awesome connection it's a great story and no that's a silly thing when you're that's what no that's what i'm thinking okay well that's a dumb way to think why because scholars like you're sold on it i'm not sold on anything i'm not sold on anything but i'm definitely not sold on you just talking off your ass yeah no i'm and i'm just i'm just putting a counterpoint you're putting a counterpoint to a fucking guy who is a scholar. John Marco Allegro studied the

Dead Sea Scrolls for 14 years. The only ones that do are religious ones. I know, but... Who says the opposite? The encyclopedia Britannica bases all this stuff off the religious. We're not talking about the encyclopedia Britannica. We're talking about the Dead Sea Scrolls.

It wouldn't even be an encyclopedia Britannica. Couldn't it be part of the, couldn't it be part of the, what's the Christmas originally, the pagan holiday? There's, yeah. Couldn't it be part

of that pagan holiday where it's that ritual? Sure, definitely. And they sort of took over that, they used those gods. It's just the real question is, what's with the elves?

What's with the fucking mushrooms and all these Christmas pictures? What's with the correlations? Why do these mushrooms exist? You know, and why do they coincide with this holiday? What is the big deal? But the big deal is these people were tripping their fucking balls off, man.

That's what it is. And it became somehow or another, it turned into a guy coming down the chimney and giving you presents. What it was is this was some shit they found under the tree. That's much more likely to me. If you've got a fucking plant that makes you trip balls

and ancient people find out about it, they worship that shit. It becomes a huge part of their life. Could you imagine if your world was the regular world of people that lived before books? You're barely civilized, barely got it together. People are just getting by every day. They get sick.

Nobody knew what the fuck was going on. There was no doctors. You just died, man. They gave you some leaves to chew on and you usually just fucking died. What if they found something like this? If they found that there were some mushrooms and you would eat them and all of a sudden, you'd be lying in a field and

fucking spiraling through the universe on the most wild ride of joy and ecstasy of your life and then you would you would want to fucking praise that shit you would want to make that a part of your yeah you would want to create a holiday you'd want to make it a part of your your your everyday life you would you would be worshiping it you know that's what that's the feeling behind a lot of people what why would Why was all this cattle worship in the ancient world? Yeah.

You know, because no one can understand that. Like, why would you have these, like, really aggressive primates? Didn't the Egyptians worship cats? They did worship cats, yeah. But they didn't worship them like people worship, like the Hindus worship cows. Really? Yeah, cows are much more important. Do Hindus worship cows or did they just say they'd leave them alone?

No, man. You don't eat them. They don't eat them. They consider them sacred. They consider them, I don't eat cows. They just say they leave them alone. No, man. You don't eat them. They don't eat them. They consider them sacred. They consider them, I don't know. Something. Something cool. They consider them something cool.

But I think that has to do with the cow shitting. Here's what Wikipedia says about it. And mushrooms growing in the cow shit. This is what Wikipedia has about it. About what? Christmas? The relation from mushrooms to Santa Claus. Okay.

Fly agarics. I don't Okay. Fly agarics appear... I don't know what fly agarics are. Agarics. That's the actual plant itself. Okay. Appear on Christmas cards and New Year's cards from around the world as a symbol of good luck. The ethnobotanist Jonathan Ott

has suggested the idea of Santa Claus and tradition of hanging stockings over the fireplace based centrally upon this mushroom itself. Hmm. There's a lot of people that have had proposals. It's a generally red and white color scheme.

He argues that Santa Claus suit is related to the mushroom. He also draws on parallels with flying reindeer. Reindeer have been reported to consume the mushroom and prance around in an intoxicated manner

afterwards. Isn't that wild? That's what's up with flying reindeer. Reindeer love Amanita muscaria mushrooms so much that when people have

these mushroom huddles... And they eat it and they trip out. Yeah, they do. But when people... The other thing about Amanita muscaria mushrooms so much and when people have these mushrooms and they trip out the people yeah they do well when people well the other thing about amanita muscaria mushrooms is about recycling the urine the way to really trip your balls off is apparently a lot of whatever it is that's psychoactive inside the mushroom is it passes through your body and into your urine and if you drink your urine it kicks the whole experience to the next level what do you mean while you're on it while you're tripping balls you go a lot i go a lot when i'm on mushrooms you're gonna go deep deep deep the guy the dude who told me who did it said it was it was crazy it was like he was tripping and everybody's like okay if you have to pee you got to drink your pee and he's like fuck man i don't want to drink my

pee i'm already tripping balls this is good this is good and he drank his pee and he's like really shot through yeah psilocybin mushrooms that's the case

aminida muscaria that's the case but I would think while I'm on mushrooms I'd be like dude don't trust this is just the mushrooms talking do not drink your pee

no it's the shaman talking it's like the ancient tradition of doing it that's how you take it to the next level while you're in the middle of your mushroom experience you drink your urine and whatever it is where it's psilocin psilocybin whatever it is it's passed through i don't know that the technical

components of it but apparently talking to several people have done this what this guy says is that if santa claus had one eye or if magic urine had been part of his legend we'd be it'd be way easier to believe but it's that's why it's not that's why there's a dispute. It's like it's not super clear. Well, yeah. Who the fuck knows? I think it's possible though. There was an article about it in the magazine Sunday Times in 1980. And the new scientist

in 1986. Those are legitimate. Yeah. Well, it's not, you know, this is not my wacky idea. This is an idea that's been kicked around for decades. People believe it that are, you know, like there are serious scholars that believe in this silly idea. But the whole idea of it being illegal

is what's the most fascinating thing to me. Yeah, it's illegal. The whole idea that these mushrooms are illegal. That this is somehow or another, some person has decided to pass some sort of a law saying that you can't experience this. It's bad for you. I was walking out of a pot store once early on at a zen,

and I was like, I still felt like it's cool that I'm having drugs, and I saw a cop on the corner, and I was like, it doesn't matter, I'm holding my drug. Then I realized in my other hand I had a bag of mushrooms. I was like, oh, this I've got to hide. Try not to be so weird. You fucking dork. Walking down the street with mushrooms in your hand wow you just live in that crazy comedy life son i guess yeah you guess in

la they don't care in la but i hope it stays this way you know it's the the real issue is the federal issue you know if we could find one cool spot and if they you know supported states rights we could find a cool spot where we could make pretty much everything legal. We all got together and said, hey, we're going to have one clarity state. This is a state where murder, crime, theft, all that stuff, yeah, that's all illegal. Arson, illegal. The obvious stuff. Rapes, illegal.

The rest of it, shut up, man. The rest of it, just shut the fuck up. There's too many goddamn laws. This is how it's going to go down. This is where the fuck up there's too many goddamn laws this is this is how it's going to go down this is where the money's going to go here this is going to be legal you know this will be regulated this you know you have to buy in a store well then you'll know it's pure and it's tested by the government that's where the government can help out test mushrooms yeah that's what you want you want to help out you want to really be of service to the people this is what

we do we get rid of some of the government jobs. We read the John Hopkins study, right? Yeah. The John Hopkins study said that people taking mushrooms, even just one experience, significantly affected them for decades. Significantly affected their personality and changed it for the better. I know psychedelic experiences change me. I know. Every time I take them and I have thoughts of what I need to do right or what I'm doing wrong or what's fucking with me.

Those are just jolts of reality that you don't get unless you take a psychedelic. You can get pretty deep when you meditate. So where you see yourself outside you really easily. You can get pretty deep when you meditate, and I'm not above the idea that some people can get to psychedelic states naturally because it's been written about by so many people i think it's a discipline issue i think it's just like you could tell someone hey uh you know i could teach you martial arts and uh you could go and kick somebody's ass and then you're like really are

you sure and then i give you like one lesson and throw you in there with a guy like marcelo garcia and you just get manhandled you're like i could never fucking do this because i don't think it's a one i don't think a lot of people that what what you think is possible due to meditation is based on your level of meditation how how deep have you taken it you know i mean how relaxed do you get how centered do you get when you meditate because some people get super distracted and it it never gets more than a yeah it never gets more than a surface sort of relaxation real deep with mushrooms i take a little there's like i see like these universal truths i can sort of hold on to it barely for like a second or two or like a day but then it's like the more i go the more i can

bring back and remember yeah i'm like oh yeah this thing again that's right all about you know it's always humbling right always humbling yeah it's like you don't matter you don't matter well you do you do i mean you do you're you have intent and you have you know will and you can spread positive energy you you do you do matter yeah you know you matter but i mean god damn this is a lot of us you know and we're all a part of one thing you know it's it's not if we all matter, then you matter as well. It's not that you don't matter, but God damn, it's big. It's fucking giant.

It's all encompassing. It's not just your house. It's not just your car. It's not just your street or your neighborhood. It's the whole fucking universe, and it's all together in one giant fucking soup. We just can't feel it. We just can't feel it. We just can't feel it. We feel like there's,

well, there's distance between us and Mars. There's no distance. Everything between this and that, there's something there. Whether it's dark matter or shit you can't see or stuff we haven't discovered, there is nowhere where there's not something. There's no, even in a vacuum, there's something.

There's something everywhere. And vacuum there's something there's something everywhere and you know whether it's subatomic whether it's it's we are connected to everything everywhere and that is impossible to recognize without some sort of a full-blown psychedelic experience it takes something like that to feel it because otherwise it's just a bunch of words because i thought all those words before you know i thought all those words like yeah you feel it because otherwise it's just a bunch of words because i thought all those words before you know i thought all those words like yeah you know it's kind of cool i think we're all kind of connected and you know and i think yeah the universe is huge and you know i had all those thoughts before psychedelics and i had them with you know a certain amount of clarity yeah but

there's a big difference between i feel like it sucks you out and just makes you see like you're just one of even in your state of so many people like you're just one of, even in your state, of so many people that you're just like a blip. And then you see time before you and after you. And you're like, oh my God. Yeah, it's insane. It's insane to think that we have this short amount of time here. And it seems like as the time goes on, you just start figuring out what the fuck is going on.

That's like the thing about people today. We live long enough to see the hustle. We live long enough to see the bullshit. If we were Romans, man, we would all be long dead. All of us. You're in your 30s. I'm in my 40s. We're dead people.

We're dead. There's no way we'd be alive. And if we were alive, we'd be totally crippled. We'd have lion bites on our dicks and shit. One of us would be missing an arm or something. You get fucked up back then, man. But today we can live and we live safely and we have enough nutrition and you're eating vitamins and everything and you live long enough to see the goddamn hustle.

Ten years ago they said one out of two people in England would live to see 100. God damn. Wouldn't you love to live in a castle back in the day where you had

the little courtyards and little houses in between, like inside the castle? In a castle? Yeah, like a really big one. I think that would be crazy

because you have this one giant house and everybody around you has little houses. That's the dumbest way to live. No, no, no. I mean,

wouldn't that be cool just to experience it for like three days or something like that? I guess. Like a vacation. Experience what it would be like to have all those people

in those little houses want to kill you and take your gold. Yeah, I wonder if it was like that. Can you imagine that? If everybody else is starving and there's this giant house

with people that are eating gold sandwiches. You sound like you're describing Bashar Assad. Bashar Assadad what is that he's the leader of syria oh really yeah it's like everyone's starting to revolt but it's like i still got the guns oh wow is that what's going on over there it's it's how crazy is that whole arab area the whole arab spring thing and what this is nuts man i took that guy my death pool

did you really yeah it's a strange strange time for that the whole part of the yeah they're all internet making everybody like wait what yeah did what over there really yeah well they they see what's possible you let them have the internet really that will happen he finally like went lax on the internet and then he was like that it was his downfall yeah that and the cia bitch you know the cia had a little piece of that outside influence like you shouldn't be listening that's the spies that are starting all this but maybe yeah that's the best way to overthrow them get their own people to do it for us yeah sure arm them arm them help and also all we're trying to get them to do is just

live free yeah but that shit don't work that way make the new boss same as the old boss that's what's going on in iraq right now iraq apparently is just a fucking mess right now really yeah there's like a civil war about to break out that's what they always said as soon as we happen as soon as we left that's gonna happen right of course man we we you know there's a vacuum and when there's a vacuum someone's gonna seek to fill it and there's a lot of people that are still alive that were alive back during the Saddam era. And those people are going to try to get control of that bitch.

And then there's new people moving in. And then there's also the idea that the connection between Iraq and Afghanistan and all of our resources and where the fuck is this country going and why do we have 100 different bases all over the country or all over the world? It's like, what are we wasting our time and our resources on?

Is this really necessary anymore or is this just a bunch of people who have contracts and we keep giving them contracts because this is what we've always done and that's how they keep politicians in office and then we're stuck because that's what it seems like what it is. We're fucked, Shafir.

This is what they said. What Occupy Wall Street finally said. They're like, the problem is if you get sponsored by a big corporation, they give you a bunch of money for your campaign, they can effectively fire you by withholding that money that you need to get elected again. You know? Good luck doing this without you know 500 million

dollars in your in your in your ad budget this year or however much it is probably a lot more i don't know you need to get those bitches mushrooms yeah right that's what we need to do in the christmas that's a good answer to a lot of things get those bitches on mushrooms i tell it's a lot of people it really is true i don. I tell that to a lot of people. And it really is true. I was like, when's the last time you did some mushrooms? Maybe you should check some. It sounds like you can use them right now. Last time I did mushrooms,

I found something crazy. Like, I had a huge bag of really good mushrooms and I took half of them and tripped my ass off. Hardest, you know, super hard trip, super visuals.

Hang on, hold on. I want to say this real quick. I don't want you to get back to your story. This is where I realized everybody's like, oh, the mushrooms I get are super good. And everybody says that. What they really mean is mushrooms are super good. Yeah, yeah where I realized everybody's like, oh, the mushrooms I get are super good. And everybody says that.

But they really mean it's mushrooms are super good. Yeah, yeah. Well, then I... You ever got bad mushrooms? No. Never. No. I have. The first time I took it,

I had the greatest time. Second time, I ate like two hours before and was just like sitting on the couch watching Adventure Time and going, wow, this is all right. But I took more the second time and it was the same mushrooms and the first time I tripped my ass off

because I didn't eat anything else the whole day. Well, it also could be, I've heard of people getting mushrooms. Actually, I heard you, of mushrooms you said had some mold on it. And the mold made you like food poisoning? No, I think... That's what's going to happen.

I think sometimes you get sick from mushrooms, and that's usually because maybe the mushrooms are... See, I've never gotten sick from them. My friend barfed his first time. I got a billy goat stomach. I can eat some shit. I'd never barfed, but my friend who gave it to me the first time,

who used to make them for everybody, said, you will get... You'll feel nauseous like you're going to throw up. He's like, you won't throw up. Just sit down, look up in the air for a while. The feeling will pass. Fear factor completely changed my whole ability to withstand smells and people vomiting. Oh, you can handle anything now.

I'm immune. I'm completely immune to getting sick watching someone vomit. Wow. You know, because I used to get, I used to physically gag. If I smelled puke, like when I was a kid. You remember, you know what it was like. Baby bird. I was getting nauseous. Yeah? You know what it was like. Baby Bird. I was getting nauseous.

Yeah, Baby Bird was no problem for me, man. I just sat right through that. And the wind would shift and you'd catch a whiff of it. Yeah, it was horrendous. Baby Bird, if you don't know, was the greatest gag in the history of radio. Greatest radio day of all time. And Ari and I were there. And Bill Burr.

And Bill Burr and Jimmy Norton. What it was was there was this crazy kid that they had working for Opie and Anthony. And his name is Pat Duffy. You've got to back up. Tell what Babe Bird is. Yeah. Well, I'm going to explain it through this way. I'm just going to explain this kid.

And they could get this kid to do anything. This kid brushed his teeth with dog shit. He was a maniac. He's a fucking maniac. I saw him drink other people's puke. I saw him drink a glass full of other dudes' pukes. Dudes threw up. There was some sort of an eating contest.

There was an eggnog drinking contest. Yeah, but this was a different one. I'm talking about a different one. But I've seen him do some ridiculous shit before this. So we had a bunch of guys there for the egg drinking contest. And Pat from Unaki is the ace in the hole. He wins that bitch every year. He's got diabetes.

He's got diabetes. He's got to take a shot as soon as he's done with it. Yeah, so he's not supposed to be drinking eggnog in the first place. And he's drinking, like, fucking gallons of it. He's a big boy. It's a double shot every 60 seconds. Yeah, and he's up to, like, 70. 70 glasses or shots.

When did people start, like, chucking? Oh, man. It seemed like 7, in some people some people by the way this is non-alcoholic this is just eggnog um something because if he drank like 70 shots he'd be a dead man yeah you'd be a dead yeah yeah but um so what was your question when did people start start start boffering because he got up to like 70 shots, I believe. It was something insane. It was ridiculous. And he said he was going to puke, and we were trying to figure out what to do with the puke. And just as a joke, I did not think anybody would say this.

I said, why don't you have this kid lean his head into the garbage pail and have Pat throw up in his mouth? the garbage pail and have Pat throw up in his mouth. I mean, I just said I came up with the dumbest shit ever because I didn't think anybody would say yes. And we were on edibles at the time. Probably.

99% sure. I always am if I do Opie and Anthony. So we were high as a kite and I never thought anyone would actually do this. It was just going to such crazy extremes. Yeah, it was ridiculous. The dude, he laid on his back with the garbage pail and put his body into it. Like he was going to get a wash before a haircut, just all the way back.

Yeah, it was one of those big tubs, a nice, good-sized garbage pail. And he leans back and opens his mouth. And this guy, Pat from Unaki, and it's available online, right? You can watch it. I had two of the videos online. One got taken down because somebody complained that it was disgusting. But there's another one on there. Can you find it somewhere?

Just find, just look up. We can't play it. Why can't we play it? Because we don't have that technology. Oh, yeah, yeah, okay. All right. Either way, this one. we need to set up that technology here yeah uh but so this this dude i mean you just google baby bird there's pictures i believe there's video too the the amount the volume that came out of his mouth enveloping the enveloping the other guy. It was insane. It was the craziest thing I've ever seen anybody ever do.

I mean, he's hurling, hurling onto this guy's face. And it's like a cartoon throw-up. It doesn't, totally doesn't look real. You remember? He's pouring out a bucket of water out of a window. It was insane! It was so much! It was so much! This giant fat man

just unloading. And you know what? I talked to Opie and Anthony they said they would never be able to do that again what they said they can't do that again why insurance reasons they've tightened up

it's actually dangerous to drink that much milk fuck yeah it's dangerous probably fuck yeah it's dangerous I'm glad no one died somebody died in Sacramento I believe

was it Sacramento from water they were drinking water they had a cut shots of water see how long you got. She died from an overdose of water. It's on break.com.

Is it on break.com? Yeah. Oh, beautiful. Go check that out, folks. Trust me. It's worth it. And it's on YouTube also. Just sheer ridiculousness.

It's just one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen a person do ever. We were there, Ari. That was so great. It was so great. You were there, right? No. You no you weren't there brian no you put the videos on you were sending me the videos later oh that's right he um wish you were there the barfing started like seven minutes people would like throw up and they were out and then more people start and then one guy barfed into some yeah fruit loops oh that's right eating it with oh my god that's fucking that same kid, Pat Duff. And it just ramped up.

Yeah. Oh, that's right. That's what started it. If you eat his fruit, it's not going to be great. Then other people started laughing because of that. Oh, that's right. I forgot that part.

And it was just like building and building. And there was so much barf in the air. If you want to be a shock jock, that kid is the greatest intern you could ever hope to hire. I mean, that kid's a goddamn kamikaze if he's still alive if he's alive he's alive he's alive he messaged me on twitter a while back they kept throwing it and stuff in roland's face yeah and he would almost barf they kept like

showing it to him in the fruit loops disgusting this is the picture it's the if you go baby bird o and a and do a google image search it's the first one that pops up. Oh, what an amazing photo it is, too. Come on. I don't want to show this to Joe. It's just so silly. It's so great. Anyway, what were you saying about that? They can't do that anymore.

There's massive lawsuits, massive... Really? Yeah. What it is basically is they've clamped down and they've made sure that there's less probability for getting sued. And when there's less probability of getting sued, there's also less of probability of something fucking crazy happening. Supreme Court just took on the case, you would love this, of getting rid of the FCC standards on network television. Really? Yeah.

They said pretty much since 99% of people have cable, it's ridiculous anyway. Channel 7's okay, but Channel 8 is not. Why? Yeah, and they're hearing it now. Whether they have to do that or not anymore. I think people are going to fight it, though. There's a lot of pro-family, pro-Christian. They probably just have to rate it.

There will be a program that will be able to show you if there's nudity. God, look at that photo. My God. Look at that photo. Jesus fucking Christ. You can put that picture up. You can put that picture up. Is that the only way to do it here?

No, no. Ari emailed it to me. I could do it. Okay. It's showing up. Is that the most ridiculous shit? It looks like he's a spider, like breaking it down with his ensigns,

breaking down that other guy. It looks like a cartoon. Anyway, we'll talk about something else before I get sick. God damn. Yeah, you can't do that anymore. It's no fun. I mean, if you want to have a business, though,

you've got to think, when you get involved in something serious, like this gigantic fucking huge company that's worth hundreds of millions of dollars they can't lose everything yeah because you assholes want to drink egg hey idiot face that's the problem man yeah you know anthony cumi is uh his show is now on itunes and he's got a video on he has video on itunes yeah how's he doing that i think i don't know but well he's got a video on it. He has video on iTunes. Yeah. How's he doing that? I think, I don't know, but well, he's paying for a video host. Wow. But I tried to do it twice now

and the video wouldn't play. Like his bandwidth must be fucked or something like that. Yeah, I would imagine. I think he just did it. I bet he probably doesn't realize how much money he's going to have to pay in bandwidth.

What people don't realize, you have to have a host. Like if you put something on iTunes and it is free, you know, I mean, you can put your shit on iTunes, but someone has to be downloading it from somewhere. And you have to have a host. Like iTunes is not like storing your stuff. Right. They're not providing bandwidth.

They're basically providing a link to a website, a server that you pay for. Right. And what's funny is that there's a lot of web hosts. Unfortunately, I use DreamHost, which all my life has been great, but I had to switch to a cloud computing thing where it was unlimited

bandwidth, unlimited storage. Oh, I just leave that? No, I'm on that. What they don't tell you is, it doesn't count unlimited memory of the computer or something like that. What? Like if there's too many people.

That's how they get you. Yeah, so then you have to raise your bandwidth, and it's so bullshit. The whole thing is a fucking crock. So they tell you it's unlimited bandwidth, and they tell you. Yeah, but they trick you because then they're like, oh, yeah, it's unlimited all that, but it's your memory and your computers. You've got to have more. They trick you because then they're like oh yeah it's unlimited all that but you know it's uh your memory you know and your computers you know you you gotta have more you know they

trick you in that so they make you buy more more hard drives more computer more ram like what do you mean by memory do you mean by data storage space or is it like ram like ram pretty much so you buy more ram yeah and then and then so i like now you're done by ram but what's bullshit is there's like dream host i don't i'm sorry i'm going to start bashing you now but uh dream host like we'll have this thing where you can dream host you can search you can search like how uh you have graphs of how much you use how much ram you use every hour right and so you like i think i'm paying for i forget how many let's just say 1,000 RAM. And I'll be using like 400 most of the time.

And then out of nowhere, my shit will crash. And they're like, oh, you need to up your even more RAM. You've got to think, though, dude. You're running a lot of traffic. No, no, but what they're saying is that my RAM has doubled in one second and crashes the computer, but it doesn't show it on the graph. And they're like, oh, there's spikes. And I'm like, yeah, spikes are doubling in one second, and you don't have it on your graph. Oh, yeah. So then they make you go up more. Yeah, they can't show it on the graph. They're like, oh, there's spikes. I'm like, yeah, spikes are doubling in one second and you don't have it on your graph.

They can't prove it to you? Yeah, they can't prove it to you. They say you go higher. Do you feel like you got ganked? I'm getting ganked every day with this fucking Dreamhost. What's funny is I've had a website with them for a long ass time and before I was on

cloud computing when I was just spending I was on cloud computing before when I was just spending like $18 a month I still had a website that got hit a lot doing all the videos like Carlos Mencia videos

and all those other videos we used to do all the time my shit got hit a lot and it never went down it never was like a problem but they get you on these cloud computings

now it's just fuck DreamHost that's all I'm saying weird wow this is a very angry Brian fuck DreamHost you That's all I'm saying. This is a very angry Brian. Fuck DreamHost. You see him? He's all fired up, man. He gets passionate about his

poor little site. I feel like he'd be a lot more comfortable if he just had a Wikipedia page. Somebody make him a Wikipedia page. I'm getting beat by a wrestler. So you really believe that if you get this Shorty Award thing that somehow or another this will get you a Wikipedia page? Yeah, a few administers who have contacted me through Wikipedia.

They're just fucking trailing you along. I want to tell you a story about George C. Scott. They don't like you, and then once you get a Shorty Award, they're going to go, who the fuck gives a shit about your Shorty Award, bitch? And then you're going to be like, God damn, I worked so hard to get that Shorty Award. They're making me work for it, those Wikipedia bitches.

They're making you bend over. George C. Scott won an Oscar for Patt patent and said, I'm not going to that and just didn't show up. Because what the fuck do I care? Wow. Well, he was a bad motherfucker. Did you ever see The Hustler? Yeah. George C. Scott was a scary character in The Hustler. You owe me money!

He's a scary dude, man. This is after he's screaming that to Paul Newman after he fucked Paul Newman's's screaming that to paul newman after he fucked paul newman's girlfriend and forced her to commit suicide and then he said you owe me money it's like whoa like it hasn't stopped yeah he was he was a scary dude that was a great fucking movie man imagine how good that movie must have been in like what was it like 64 or something like that it was a really old movie you know imagine how good it was then fucking there's some movies man that just hold up and there's other

ones you watch you just go what the fuck like what happened what happened between you know i always got uncomfortable when i saw stuff like that in movies i don't know why it made me like feel extra bad with some girl being unfaithful. Really? Really fucking over somebody sexually. That always made me feel like, oh, God. That bothers you the most? That's way worse than experimenting on homeless people. Hmm.

Did you, when you were young, did you have a girl that you were really in love with and she left you for another dude? Uh-uh. You always thought that that was going to happen, maybe? No, I just thought it was so wrong. Maybe because it didn't happen. See, to me, my... I gang of whores in a row. And I caught a bunch of them banging other dudes.

And so when that happens, it lowers your expectations. So you're like, whatever. It's fine. It happens. I mean, I realized as I got older that it was mostly my fault. And I was attracting the wrong type of person into my life. You're attracting someone who you know. It's the worst when you don't know someone's a whore.

She just likes to fuck and you're like, damn it. I fell in love. Part of it is that and part of it is subconsciously I think you're just trying to attract the wrong person possible. Subconsciously, you don't think you're worthy of anybody any good so you just get these nightmares that you know are never going to last. And then you get stuck. I love how Dr. Drew always says that.

Like, do you always date this type of person? I'm like, no, I mean, yeah, they all hit me, but what do you mean? There's no correlation, right? My dad hit me. People are fucking strange with patterns, man. They're strange with getting locked into things, you know? Like, I knew dudes, and I never understood this, they could not stop going to the track. They would go with getting locked into things. You know, like I, I knew dudes and I never understood this. They could not stop going to the track.

They would go to the racetrack and to them, it was their crack, man. They, you know, there was guys that didn't even have any money and they would go and hang out with dudes who had money hoping that if the guy won something, he would give them a gapper.

So they could fucking put it on. Yeah. Well, that's the gambler's creed. A gapper is, you know, you throw 20 this guy's way, he sweats your match, you throw 50 his way. Like, it's a big thing in the pool world. Like, say, if you are hanging with a bunch of guys

and everyone's broke and one guy wins a bunch of money, he'll give his friend some money if you're hanging out with him and they sweat his match. When he sweats his match, cheer for him. Yeah, watch his match. And it's sort of like when you give guys gappers, it gets, you know, it spreads a little of the, it's the right intention.

It spreads a little of the money around. And that way, one day when you're broke, because all those pool players. Yeah. Wow, that's nice. All those pool hustlers, all professional pool players, at one point in time were probably broke or will be broke again.

It's a tough leaven. Yeah. And when you're out there gambling and you're trying to play in tournaments and you can't get roles and you're trying to make money and you're trying to pay for hotel bills. It's a hard life. The life of the professional pool

player out of all the skill games in the world might be one of the hardest lives. They don't make that much money, man. It's hard. It's a hard gig. It's hard to put it together. There's only a few guys at the very top that really make money. Our gig is so much easier. Our gig is the easiest. But you've got to be funny.

If you're not funny, our gig is death. Yeah, if you can't catch a break. If you're not supposed to be a comedian, our gig is the scariest thing in the world for a lot of people. There's a lot of guys who aren't supposed to be comedians. They're doing just fine. Isn't that weird? Yeah, it is weird. You're like, what?

Everyone agrees you're bad. Yeah, it's weird. You're like, what? Everyone agrees you're bad. Yeah, it's weird how some guys, even though they're terrible, somehow or another they wind up sticking around long enough to get paid for it occasionally. Yeah. And not a lot, but every now and then they'll get a gig here and a gig there. Some people like plenty of money. Yeah, and you're like, what the fuck is going on? Is it just a making friends thing?

Time in? It's totally a lot of it. Cause there's a few people and we know who they are. We won't have to say any names here, but when they go on stage, it's like they're, they're doing their best impression of a comedian. Yeah.

You know, I think that's everybody who starts comedy. Sure. But these are like 10 year veterans. They never lose that. Like, let me do the impression. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, those where you, you work with them on the road somewhere, and you're like, what the fuck am I seeing? Yeah. But they trick somebody into hiring them somewhere.

I think there's enough comedians now that they don't ever have to do that anymore. It's not necessary. There's plenty of us. There's enough comedians. You just got to get in contact. There needs to be a network where people can find where the good ones are. I sense a resurgence.

I think comedy is coming back. All this junk is helping a lot. People get to know people way easier. Yeah, podcasts help for sure. They're like, oh, these comedians are a cool thing. They're all sort of talking and stuff. Yeah, having a podcast and having people come to the shows because of the podcast. But I think even outside of the podcast, like Louis C.K.,

the situation where he's selling his things online, I think that gives a big resurgence to it, too. People hear the story. People are excited about it. I just remember when the last comic standing started, the comedy store numbers went way up. Yeah. Everyone had remembered, like, oh, yeah, comedy.

Comedy is fucking great, man. It's so great. It's such a great night. Yeah. As a fan, before I was ever a comedian, that was my favorite thing to do. Yeah. I would never pay a lot extra for it on New Year's because I've seen it too much or anything like that.

It's just a good, fun date. Yeah. Yeah. Especially if you- People in town, whatever. Yeah. We've gone on the road, and I have a couple of times. I'm in town when someone I like is playing somewhere, and then I go see them, and I can actually sit and watch like a spectator.

I'm telling you, man. Yeah. It's fucking great. When I get high at the store, Sebastian is so goddamn funny. Really? He's so fucking funny. Yeah.

It's just so fun to watch. I was like, yeah, somebody made a date out of this? Yeah. It's a cool art form, man. I love watching it just as much as I love doing it. Yeah. We're lucky as shit, man. I watched Ice Road

Truckers the other day. That's way harder. It's way harder. Imagine being an Ice Road Trucker. Imagine that. I know the worst job. This is the worst job. What's the worst job? Tijuana Hookers used to cost $72 and the breakdown was $60 for the girl which she splits up with the pimp, however. I'm not sure.

$11 for the room and $1 for the cleanup guy. That's the worst job. $1, cleanup, jizz spots, and over and over and over again. Not just jizz. Oh, yeah. Tijuana, people just shitting all over everybody. Everything's going on down there.

During the day, they're still at full capacity in business. It's really crazy how close that is to San Diego. Everybody used to do that as their trip. But could you imagine man, being a person who lives in Tijuana and just knowing that San Diego's right there. And right there there's white people with seven million dollar houses on the beach

and they're drinking margaritas and talking about their pedicure lady. Gross border town. You're in a house made out of cardboard. It's just 20 minutes away. You can drive to their house in 20 minutes. That's insane. How weird is that?

How weird is it that there's a third world and the peak of the first world? San Diego is a pretty goddamn nice city. They have some rich neighborhoods there. It's a beautiful place. Yeah, there's one island. I forget what the island is. It's off of San Diego. It's like a very small and's one island. I forget what the island is. It's off of San Diego.

It's like a very small and very exclusive island where it's one of the richest pieces of real estate in the country. That's where Donald Rumsfeld. No, Catalina is off of this area. It's like Santa Monica. This one is off. It's a small jump between this and I forget what it's called. Super elite.

Super wealthy people. Ridiculous, stupid fucking mansions. $20 million properties. Shit like that. And that's like a drive to Mexico, man. It's so bizarre. And I guess, I don't know, I guess the Mexicans, if they wanted to,

can get in a boat and just sneak up and get there really quick. Just pull into their neighborhood with a boat. For real, man. You could be like hardcore Mexican get in a boat and just sneak up and get there really quick. Just pull into their neighborhood with a boat. They're coming to get you. For real, man. You could be like hardcore Mexican gangbangers. They have some castles there too, huh? Hardcore Mexican drug dealers and just getting a boat. Just get in a boat and figure out a way to just do it by cover of night.

They kill people that go into rehab there. Do they really? They're like, I said, don't get off the sauce. What? Yeah. Really? Where? In all the, I said, don't get off the sauce. What? Yeah. Really? Where? In all the border towns.

I like how you said that, too. Don't get off the sauce. Look, you're a 1940s movie bad guy. See? What the fuck is that? Don't get off the sauce. See? You listen to me.

See? Watching old movies is like watching a movie from another country. I've been watching the one movie lately. I saw Billy Madison. Not so old. That's Billy Madison. Yeah, it's like 20 years ago. We're talking about like Clark Gable type shit. from another country. I've been watching the one movie lately. I saw Billy Madison. Not so old. That's Billy Madison. It's like 20 years ago. We're talking about like Clark Gable type shit.

You're talking about Billy Madison. I'm talking about watching some stuff from like the 40s and 50s. I love it. I'm addicted to it. Different language.

I love looking at that old shit. It's so weird. What have you ever seen that's good? I just watched How Green is My Valley. That's a great one. The one with Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind.

Oh, yeah. I think we talked about that. Yeah. But it was just weird. It had like the slavery aspects in that and stuff like that. Yeah. Well, that's what was going down back then. There was something else I just watched the other day.

Have you ever seen Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? No. It's Elizabeth... What the fuck's her name? The bitch who got married 100,000 times. Liz Taylor. Elizabeth Taylor. Elizabeth Taylor when she was hot as fuck. My God.

When she was young, my God, that woman was hot. That's why we still talk about her. She was hot. I don't know if she's still alive. You know, I don't know, but she's getting old there. She's married a couple gay guys along the way. It got weird for a while. Poor lady.

When she was young, though, man. God damn. It falls apart for everybody, but I think for her, it was... You used to have such a great saying. Did you ever see the color purple? Everybody hits the wall you're like in 800 billion years of development

the wall is undefeated the wall is 6 billion and 0 no one's ever beaten the wall the wall's coming bitch it's coming for you too did you ever see the color purple yes I think I might not have

I was really stunned and I was like really weird slavery purple yes i think i was either what color you know what i might not have well yeah i've seen that i was really stunned and watched it like oprah and it was like really weird slavery sexual slavery shit and it was weird well that was a big part of slavery so weird big part of slavery was the the master coming down and banging the slaves danny glover that was that was legit man they used to have children i couldn't watch it yeah but that's what it was about and i couldn't watch it it was just too creepy. Could you imagine? I thought color purple was right after slavery.

You thought what was color purple? I don't know. I'm pretty sure I didn't actually see it. It's one of those that I always intend on seeing, but I never get around to it. Yeah. But I think it was super common for the slave owners to have sex with their slaves. Oh, yeah. Benjamin Franklin, right?

Didn't he have a ton of grandkids that way? I wonder how many of the male slaves had sex with the women. Because that must have been going on, too. Where women were ignored, and they got the male slaves to bang them. God, the punishment for that was just clearly death. I wonder. Is it worth it? I wonder.

I wonder if you're allowed to. There must have been those stories of having, like, she gets pregnant. Who did it? Yeah. I mean, it has to have happened. Listen, man, as long as there's dudes slinging dick, there's chicks jumping on them.

As long as there have been black people, they have been attracted to white women. Yep, and as long as there have been white women, they've been attracted to black dicks. It's like, grow my weed and smoke my dick. To the slave. That's what she would say?

No, that's what you would say to your slave. Grow my weed and suck my dick? Smoke my dick. And smoke my dick? Smoke my dick. And smoke my dick? Okay, Brian. Sometimes write these down and go over them and go, is this worth interjecting in there?

Grow my weed and smoke my dick? And you're like, damn it, that wasn't good. It all comes from a good place. We have to remember that. We're talking about, you guys were talking about slaves, right? Fucking your slaves. Yeah, I get you. And I just said, I wasn't doing a bit. I was just dizzy.

He's trying to joke. It's okay, buddy. It's okay, buddy. We're just trying to keep the conversation moving. I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm going to be in Minneapolis. When are you doing? At the end of...

You doing Acme? Rick Brunson's House of Comedy. Oh, what is that? Is that a new place? Yeah, he owns a place in Edmonton, too. Man, I love Minneapolis, but I can't fade that fucking wintertime, son. It's Mall of America. I might never have to leave.

So you fly into the mall? No, I don't have to go from the flight. Somehow or another, you're going to be outside. Yeah, that's the worst. You're going to have to be in that tube. Yeah, I hate it. I hate the winter. Every booking, I'm like, what do you got in February?

What do you got in April? It's cold as fuck. Yeah. Yeah, it gets like zeros. That's what I'm going to Thursday. And it's going to start snowing Thursday. You're going to Ohio. Yeah, right now it's 50, but supposedly there's just like this sleet and freezing rain and snowstorm shit going the day I land.

I hit freezing rain once in Ohio. Did a 360 on the highway. Really? Yep. With me and Chris McGuire. 360? Yep. Flipped all the way around.

Yep, all the way around. Missed the guardrail missed everything just kept driving my dad used to he was driving over the bridge you know how you go over bridges and bridges are the place

where black ice forms oh and it's freezed yeah yeah cause actually the wind coming over it freezes it so how about that

a 360 on a bridge what'd you hit nothing wow yeah spun around that must be God right yep yeah that must be

word why isn't it God Ari maybe it is why the fucking maybe it's the secret Wow. Yeah, spun around. That must be God, right? Yep. Yeah, that must be. Why isn't it God, Ari? Maybe it is. Maybe it's the secret. Maybe you engineered it. Blow on the ice and not make that go. Maybe you engineered it so. My dad used to have this giant Suburban, the old style Suburbans.

Oh, those are great. He got like a second and third motor in it. He just kept it going. But he would see people start to skid in the snow and come at him 10 miles an hour. He's just like, here we go. He's like, let's just get some cash. Yeah, he's just driving a tank. Let's just do this off the books.

Oh, that's what he'd do? Yeah, at all. Are you serious? Never fix shit. It's going to be about, looks like $800 in damage, right? Let's go. Let's do this. And they would give him $800.

How many people hit him? It happened like every other summer. So what would you do? Would you just go out when it's snowing and try to make some money? I wouldn't try. But if it's not, there's this one stop. We're in a university, and when you cut through a university in Arcola, it would be like, it was just downhill.

And it was like people would start to go there, and they just couldn't stop. It could cover snow. And if you're at the bottom of the hill, they're coming right at you. Nothing you can do. I lived on a street that completely froze and they just couldn't stop. It could cover snow. And if you're at the bottom of the hill, they're coming right at you. Nothing you can do. I lived on a street that completely froze and became a hockey rink. And me and my sister's boyfriend sat on the roof and we drank beers and watched cars crash. Oh, wow. Cars slide down the hill.

They have those videos online. Yeah, that's my favorite video. We called the cops. It's so much fun. We called the cops. The cops fucking did the same thing they did the same thing we told them we saw the first car slide by the house and we're like what the fuck and i go dude i think the street is ice now and so we uh we opened up the door and looked and it looked like ice i'm like

it looks wet for sure and i got up to him like fuck it's just a sheet of ice a whole the whole street and we were on a hill so the whole street is just a sheet of ice and one after another cars just came down and boom hit the curb and flying off into the fucking woods what over and over and over this happened so we called the cops immediately so the cops came down same thing bang the cops bounce off the curb boom the cops slam into the other cars everybody yeah they were piling into each other and all the cars are parked on the side of the street yeah they're all stuck they were all stuck and jammed and fucked up like some of them were in like little

ditches and some of them were like in the woods where the bushes were and shit and they just kept coming yeah some people got through it some people had some good skills some people just slid with it and in kind of like straightened it out. They managed to keep control. Yeah. They managed to come down the hill not too crazy. Oh, that makes it more exciting. You never know what's going to happen.

Yeah. Well, I think the people that really fucked up, they fucked up because they came down the hill like they were driving. They wanted to drive. At record speed. Yeah. And then all of a sudden, oh, fuck. So if you're going 40, 50 miles an hour or whatever the hell you were and then you hit

that ice, that's it, bitch. You should have taken bets on what the next car is going to do. It makes you think, man. Fuck living anywhere where it's that cold. We were talking about this before the show, that there's an ice-bound fuel tanker in Alaska. It's stuck. Oh, it was before the show? The ocean, yeah.

The ocean's frozen around this fucking boat and so they gotta send a Coast Guard ice cutter so the ice cutter is breaking the ice around this Russian tanker this Russian tanker is just stuck there in a just gigantic skating rink that's the ocean and it's just creeping around pressing against the hull. Could you imagine the trillions of pounds of ice? You would hear that sound. It would be so scary. Oh, my God.

And you're thinking, it's going to pop. The whole thing's going to pop, and I'm going to die. I'm going to die right here on the top of this fucking frozen bullshit. There was an X-Files episode from Frozen Tanker. Really? Yeah, they got frozen in, and then some virus was out, too, to kill them. Oh, fuck that. They were turning old at a super quick rate.

Oh, with the virus? That's what it was? Yeah. And so they had to drink regular water. The only water they had was infected. And so it would make them turn old, and they couldn't get any water. They were frozen in. So what did they do?

They got rescued right before they died at old age, and they got sent back to the regular age. Oh, they got sent back to the regular age. Oh, they got sent back to the regular age. How convenient. Yeah, well, they fed them regular water. Oh, that's all it took? Yeah. Oh, we just need to get them saline. We can reverse this.

Fucking stupid plot. Who wrote that? How dare you, whoever you are. That was at the end of the X-Files when they were basically just phoning in. I'm trying to think when that was. I don't know. Maybe.

Yeah, it was like this and this and... They were out there, though, to find something. I don't know Maybe Yeah it was like This isn't They were out there though To find something I don't know why they were out there There comes a time When some people just phone it in Yeah Certain amount of seasons

Lost We're done trying Yeah That's why athletes always Post date their giant contracts Because like I might get another contract I'm done working

And I'm going to make 30 million What do you mean by post date 40 million They get like more money As the contract goes A a 10-year contract. So you're making like three times as much in the 10th year as you are in the first year. Oh, really? Yeah, but that's when you're going to be way worse.

Sure, unless you're some crazy person that's completely dedicated to always being the best ever. Yeah. How bad did Michael Jordan fall off before he quit? He didn't. He didn't. When he quit the first time, he was MVP level. No, not when he quit to play baseball. When he quit, quit. Quit he quit. He didn't. He didn't. When he quit the first time, he was MVP level. No, not when he quit to play baseball. When he quit, quit.

Quit, quit. When he came back, he wasn't quite as good. Yeah, he came back after that. That's right. Yeah, he was bad. Then he said he really hurt the Wizards, the Bullets. Really? Because everyone would sort of stand around and watch him.

It was Jordan's time. So everyone else got worse. Oh, that's crazy. That's funny. so they got to give him the ball so much like jerry stackhouse and people had to like watch him really like he's got to be our first option i used to be now i'm the second so i guess i'm just not as into it really yeah that's fascinating really hurt the wizards because they could have been like a they got enough one or two pick but instead he just came so they end up getting like that eight or nine pick. So how long did he play with them for? I think a year, maybe two.

So that was it. He took off the time for baseball, like one year you take for baseball? Maybe two, maybe one. I'm not sure. I wonder what that was about. He wanted to be like, well, my dad saw my last game. His dad got murdered. Oh, yeah.

I remember by the side of the road in North Carolina. What the fuck? Yeah. And then he was going to buy the fucking Hornets when they were still in Charlotte. But the owner got super Jewy and Grady about it. And he was like, if you buy it, it'll be worth more. So I want more money. What?

Yeah. A Michael Jordan-owned franchise would be worth more. So you got to pay more than this place is worth. What kind of ridiculous fucking logic is that? Then he lost it. People are funny that way. fucking logic as that. Then he lost it.

People are funny that way. You hear some ridiculous claims that people want, you know, that people that want things sometimes, it just makes you just go, what? Yeah. That's a pretty ridiculous one.

Yeah. It's like, no, what's it worth? He brings that money to anyone then. Some people are just unreasonable cunts. Yeah. You see David Cross

on Conan O'Brien last night? No. What did he do? Is David Cross Jewish? Yeah. reasonable cunts yeah you see david cross on conan o'brien last night no what do you do it's david cross jewish um yeah uh he he was hilarious man he he was promoting one of the movies he did was chipmunks too he's a pretty out there atheist though yeah yeah he was promoting chipmunks too and he was just like bashing like don't fucking go see this movie and one of the producers like calling out a producer he even called her out as being a female he didn't even say her name really yeah and he goes you know blah blah blah he just went off and then he started saying you know what she has all the qualities of why people uh when they

say they they hate jewish people or something like that or like like like it was like so uncomfortable and even conan you could tell they edited something right out of there because it was like one of those weird cuts where it's like, oh, let's talk about this other show, you know? Holy shit. It was weird. I think you can watch it probably on whatever. David Cross does not strike me as an angry guy. He was upset.

I just ran into him at the airport the other day. He was super pleasant. Oh, no, no. He just seemed like he was pissed off at somebody. No, but that's what I'm saying. I'm saying if someone got him that riled up, he would be angry on Conan he was just doing to separate himself from the fact that he's doing chipmunks

to chip wrecked and he used to like mock all movies like that even said he said the movie that's what he's doing he said even the movie is a giant commercial for whatever that that that boat company is that they used in the movie what's the one of the cruise ships yeah it what's one of the cruise ships yeah it's like one of the cruise ships he's like it's just a big fucking commercial for them anyways and and he just started going off on the movie to that point where he's saying the movie's just bullshit and it's just a commercial well it's that much worse than the first chipmunks that he also did it was beautiful it was so much worse that he couldn't see it coming from the first one i saw

he chose to take the money but just shit on it afterwards? Well, if it's funny, is he shitting on it and being funny? Is he just joking around? I don't know. Call it up. I'm sure it's there. Maybe I can find it. Yeah, if it was on last night, I'm sure it's there. I read a thing on his website where he had to defend himself when he was doing it the

first time, that all these hipsters were angry at him for doing the Chipmunks movie. Like, what are you doing? Yeah, that and Men in Black. They were mad at him for that. It's so silly. Yeah, he had to defend himself. Who do do you care he's doing a little kids movie who gives a shit yeah but that whole scene that whole scene used to shit on like tim allen for doing like the santa claus you're like it's a fucking kid the whole scene is a bunch of bullies

who were picked on when they were younger and they became bullies there's not all i shouldn't say the whole scene it's not the whole scene that'll turn This it's part of the alternative scene is the pointing fingers at people and talking down about people and the shitting on people You know look there's a lot of people that are nice people and I don't like their acts But they're nice and I like seeing them. There's a lot of people that I like seeing name seven Okay, I can name a few but I wouldn't do it on the air It wouldn't be seven, but there might be four. There might be five. Oh, there's plenty of people you don't like.

There's a lot of people. A lot of those people you don't like at all. Yeah, well, there's annoying people. But the point is, there's a certain in and it club, being a part of it, that scene, the alternative scene. It's a very judgmental and sort of like a bitchy little scene. I don't want to generalize completely, but the idea that I always got was that they were like the dorks in high school.

Yeah, now they're powerful. And now they're powerful. They took the power. But they're turning on other people the same way people turned on them in high school. Yeah, it's not as bad as that now. It's kind's way better. There was a vibe of that. Bert Kreischer told me a horrible story

once about a bunch of alternative guys being mean to him. It's so stupid. When you see someone that you know... It's just homerism. It's just like saying Brooklyn's the best or Stockton's the best. It's clearly not. It's just like saying our thing like saying Brooklyn's the best or Stockton's the best it's clearly not

well you know but it's just like saying our thing is the people we haven't run into are the best comics in the world and not other people

that you randomly didn't run into I think it's also a thing where people want confirmation that they're on the right track and the best way

to do that is to shit on people who are on a different track so you gotta make your team the most powerful team yeah yeah what is that man like people want you

to be on their fucking, your cell phone provider. You have to get mad if you're not. Come on, man. You still with AT&T, bro? I thought you were smarter than that. I thought you were smarter than that. Because you want to be 100% right in all your choices.

Yeah, right? And just like, no, in my neighborhood, Verizon's not good. In yours, it is. It's a difference. It's really like a religious thing, too. Yeah. It's all the same shit.

We're fucked. We're fucked. We're stupid. We're a stupid monkey. We're not supposed to have this kind of power, Shafir. That's the real issue. Everyone's supposed to be into whatever they want. We're still supposed to be figuring out consciousness. We're not supposed to be working on nuclear bombs at this stage.

We're way ahead of ourselves technologically. Right, Brian? Mm-hmm. What are you looking at, Brian? I'm trying to get this clip for you. This is when the silence took. You're watching something. I have to watch fucking commercials.

Yeah, that's just how it goes now. You can't watch a YouTube clip anymore. You've got to watch some 30 seconds of bullshit first. Very, very annoying. Yeah, god damn it. And this is five minutes. This was five minutes of commercials. What?

Yeah, it's on Team Coco's website. Wait a minute. You have five minutes of commercials before you can watch the clip? No, no. You get to watch the first 40 or 20 minutes or something like that and then they make you watch a five minute commercial break. So they make you do it. They do it just like it's TV.

Wow. You can't find... There's no YouTube clips of that? Or Hulu? I just have a feeling that the ones I will find will cut off before... I mean, at least this is some sort of an alternative for them to be able to advertise on videos and promote these videos getting out there. I mean, all you have to do is watch some 30 seconds clip here or there. They do it on South Park Studios, too, in between breaks.

Do they? Like, every once in a while they play a 30-second commercial. Not much, though. And they have the kids cursing, so it's way better. So, Brian, did you find it online anywhere other than the Team Coco website? No. I heard that that show was not doing very well ratings-wise. Oh, yeah, everyone's saying that.

That's weird, man. The same people weren't watching it after. People loved Conan O'Brien when he was on NBC in that time slot. And for whatever reason, why can't they follow him? Why isn't it the same amount of people following him? I guess you can DVR it, but I feel like those people were... I don't know. People liked liking him. They liked the idea

of liking Conan. But they didn't really watch when he was on earlier. Really? They didn't watch. You can blame it on the lead-in all you want, but those people weren't watching. All my friends are like, that's way better. I'm like, when's the last time you watched it? Nobody watched it.

It is a weird thing that they had. When they did that Jay Leno thing, when they had the Jay Leno show at 10, then they had the Tonight Show at 11, that was wonky. Uh-huh. That was a silly idea. Got everybody talking about it.

Here it is. Okay, so it doesn't, it just in your professionally, worst thing that ever happened to you? Yeah, it was just, it just in your professionally, worst thing that ever happened to you? Yeah, it's, it was just, it was a miserable experience because of- He's talking about being in the movie Chipmunks 2. I just, I had, I was forced at legal point

to spend a week on a cruise ship. And I know you and your family love going on cruises. That's all we do. I know, I know, I know. So I'm not trying to- You're talking about, I've never been on a cruise in my life. No, Conan, stop it.

It's me. No. All right, yes, let's just say I love going on cruises. You go on the Disney fun time cruise and you know. So far it sounds fine. It's- Now how could they legally, why would they legally want to make you be on a cruise ship?

Explain that to me. I don't know. I don't know. It was terrible. There was no reason for me to be there. If you see the movie, and don't. It was, and I mean, first of all, chipwrecked.

It's a pun. You know, kids, five-year-olds love puns. They love it. They love wordplay. And it's a big commercial for Carnival Cruise Lines. The entire movie. Yes. And they thought, won't it be fun to get David on there?

And the scenes that take place on the cruise ship, it on there and uh and the scenes i'm uh that take place on the cruise ship uh i am always in a pelican mascot foam rubber outfit where you cannot see any of my flesh nor do i have any dialogue well wait if that's the case uh i'm sure you said to them, get a stand in, get someone else to be in the foam rubber costume and take them away on a cruise for a week. Yes, I tried that line of logic and reason, but there was one producer who, everybody else had my back and the director was like, oh, we don't, it's fine, we don't need him.

And I'm in the middle of Todd Margaret too. I was in London and they're like, no, you have to go, or it was more like, yeah, yeah, too. I was in London. And they're like, no, you have to go... Or it was more like... And there's this one producer, and I won't say who, but she

is the personification of what people think about when they think negatively about Jews. So, to give you... You know when people conjure up... No, no I don't. Let's talk about your show, The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd.

Margaret, very funny show. I'm sure you enjoy it. And then there was a cut where even Conan's arm moved a little bit. I didn't see the cut, but I definitely saw him pretty uncomfortable. Do you want to see the cut? No, I don't care. Yeah, wow, that was strong words. But I wonder if he's really good friends with the girl

and he's just fucking around. It could be that he was good friends with her and that was just a joke. Bashing a movie that just was released that that person's producing? I doubt it. Was he bashing the movie? Yeah, he said, don't see the movie.

And then he said it's just a big commercial for Carnival Cruise Lines. Right. Well, did they make him do the movie? Is that what happened? Was he contractually obligated to do the second film? I don't know. I think he was just pissed about being on that boat for a week. Yeah, that was the bit.

Yeah. Yeah, I was the bit. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. It didn't offend me. It didn't seem that bad at all. Yeah, I mean, the movie is what the movie is. He made a joke. He made a joke. Like, don't say it.

It's for five-year-olds. Yeah, he's a fucking comic. It's not for him. He did a job, and it's not his gig, you know? I'm just saying it was funny. Yeah, no, it wasn't. Well, he's funny. David Cross is fucking hilarious.

But, yeah, it probably sucks to be him and Cross is fucking hilarious but yeah it probably sucks to be him and be one of those movies and take all that hipster shit those hipsters are probably like super mad at him they were

dude you fucking totally sold out and that's selling out is that the thing with that restaurant show no what

well you gotta look at it what is it he went off on a heckler and then somebody but like to where I don't know it got weird and some comic that was there wrote about it. What is it? He went off on a heckler and then somebody, like, to where, I don't know, it got weird. And some comic that was there wrote about it, just saying how it was so fucking weird. Oh, I did hear about that.

He was trying out some new material and someone was filming him. Yeah. Yeah. And he asked the lady to stop filming him because he didn't want it to get on the internet. Which is, you know, valid, especially because he was doing a free show. Yeah, but just the bashing afterwards. He bashed people? What did he say? Just calling her fat and ugly. Oh, I didn a free show. Yeah, just the bashing afterwards. He bashed people? What did he say?

Just calling her fat and ugly. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. Oh, wow. I don't know. So it got uncomfortable, which is fine. How bad was it? Did you see it?

No, my friend did. He was there. And he was like, yeah, it was super uncomfortable. You've done it before where it's like, I went too harsh on this girl. We're not 100%. We're guessing. Where's the line right now?

Well, not only that. You could be angry and lose your composure a little your girlfriend just said something that makes you fucking mad at women or it could be the just the seventh day in a row where you've been heckled yeah you can't get through your shit who knows what was it just a woman holding up the camera was someone just one girl she just had her thing she said i'll sorry i'll delete it and he's saying what she didn't see was her... You have to look at it. He responded to this comic. He said you were fine. It was well written. You're a funny comic. Some new girl.

He goes, but what you didn't see is when I asked her to shut it off, her roller eyes and mouth asshole to her friends. Well, you know, I see his point of view, but I see hers too. He goes, yeah, I saw her do that. That was after he was ripping into her.

Like, after she said, oh, I'm so sorry, I'll turn it off. Well, who knows? I mean, we're just commenting. You have to be there. I was talking about it last night. It was like, why are some people not able to just say, like, oh, yeah, yeah, that wasn't the best. Well, some people never want to be wrong. And some people are really young, too.

It's okay. Yeah. Well, it could be. Who knows? Who knows? We'd have to hear him talk about it and them talk. be wrong. Some people are really young too. It's okay. Yeah. Well it could be who knows. Who knows. We'd have to hear him talk about it and them talk.

He might say something completely different. Yeah we would have to actually see a video to fucking tell the truth really.

To be able to decipher for ourselves. I don't really kind of get into it. I don't care. No.

Don't care at all. Did you see what happened with Stanhope? What? The kid stole his shit and was like literally verbatim putting Stanhope bits

on his blog. Really? As if he's this fucking, you know. Just hanging in front of like a camera? No, wrote it,

wrote it. Oh, wrote it down. You know, written little articles in his blog entries. What did Stanhope do? Oh my God,

Stanhope went after him with the power of Thor. Stanhope went onto his Facebook page and posted in every photo on his Facebook page, you're a fraud, you know, like little jokes about him being a fraud. Stanhope put it up on Twitter.

So, of course, the swarms of human beings who went to this guy's website, and the guy had comments up on his website. And his comments were just filled with people saying, you're ripping off Doug Stanhope, you fucking hack, you this, you that, and just torturing this poor guy. And Stanhope did it for hours. For hours, he just had people just fucking just going after this poor fuck.

And the guy apparently is a comic. You know, he just tries to be Mr. Cool Guy. He's a comic, too? Yeah, he tried to be Mr. Cool Guy and steal Doug Stanhope's material and pass it off as his own. So he's be mr cool guy and steal doug stanhope's material and pass it off as his own so he's getting tortured oh my god he's done he had to pull his facebook the next day his facebook and his blog were both down screenshots of it all and there's a facebook page all about it i forget the name of the facebook page where it shows what like

you know like they saved it stanhope wrote on each photo. Yeah, Stanhope wrote some funny shit about his dad. I wonder how sad his father would be if he knew his son was a fraud. It's just... I mean, Stanhope just kept going after the guy. But, you know, the guy's so retarded. The way

he did it was so dumb. Just copied a famous comedian's work. That's what you're going to do? You want to come off as a guy who... Really? Did you think that somehow or another no one would... Yeah, I guess it thought it would be okay.

It's okay because people were reading it instead of hearing it? I used to play drugs all the time in college. Did you just to pass grades? Yeah, just to pass. I was like, I don't want to do this work. You just didn't give a fuck, right? Yeah, I'll just copy someone else's work. They can't do that anymore.

No. Because if you have a file, there's else's work they can't do that anymore no because if you have a file there's programs now that they can run that file through and it'll recognize plagiarism but I wasn't trying to say like

like I didn't want any recognition for what I've done right yeah of course you just wanted to get out of your situation you just force and get me to see

there's software now to just wow yeah there's software online software where you can find duplicates of your work online I didn't know teachers had that

my buddy John Wilber my brother-in-law now I guess actually but he copied word for word out of cliff notes one day and the teacher was like you copied this the same exact paragraph not a word changed and he just stuck to his story. He was like, nope.

No, sure didn't. No, I made that up. Wow. She goes, this entire paragraph, there's not a word changed. Well, you know, if he's that confident. Nope, I don't think I can. What kind of a teacher is that? It was one of the non-Jewish teachers we bussed in.

Oh, one of the non-Jewish teachers. They couldn in. Oh, one of the non-Jewish teachers. Like they couldn't hang? I think eventually she was like, fine, whatever. Was it like they couldn't deal with the Jewish... What was it? Probably like, look at this brat. He refused to admit it. Fine, I don't give a shit.

Then fucking copy for the rest of your life. But the Jewish teachers would come down on you for shit like that? Is that why you said non-Jewish? Yeah. Like the non-Jewish teachers were easier? More the non-Jewish ones we just didn't respect. Really? Yeah, they just didn't have our...

How come? We could run over them. I don't know. I was thinking about this lately. There were some teachers, you all agreed, we're not going to respect you. Really? And year after year, everyone makes the same agreement. Nobody talks about it.

Wow. And there's some teachers like you don't fuck with Robert Krakauer. Yeah, what is that, man? What is it that some kids just like certain teachers and everybody gets along great? I don't know. It might be like hidden nonverbal cues you're giving out. I have no idea. There's weak teachers and there's strong teachers.

Yeah. They all have the same curriculum to teach. What? That has got to be the biggest fucking problem with this country. It's got to be the biggest problem is how kids go to school. The education system. Coming out of it with your fucking head together, trying to decipher all the nonsense, stupidity and fucking programming.

And the idea that no one ever gets pushed into our field. No one ever says, you know what, Ari, you're always cracking jokes in class. You're a funny guy. You obviously need attention. Have you thought about going to an open mic night? No one's ever said that to you. Have you thought about maybe being a stand-up comedian? Yeah.

No, you have to get some job somewhere. Yeah, you have to. Get some job, stupid. Even when you were doing it for a little while, they're still like, come on, how much longer? The preparation for a shit existence. That's the worst part about it, man. The worst part about it is it kind of breaks your soul

when you go through shit-boring classes in school. It breaks your soul for the idea that you're – it prepares you for the idea that you're always going to have to do this. I had a teacher. He taught Modern American Lit. And his deal was this. He goes, you will never have to know anything about what Joseph Conrad wrote. What you are learning here with a Bachelor of Arts is how to get reports done on time. Whoa. Because that's it. That's all you're learning you're learning jesus you're not going to apply any of this

fitzgerald when is that going to come in your regular life never but you have to learn when i say nine o'clock on tuesday have it on my desk that's all they're preparing you for i think he's right on a really large degree yeah he is right for sure i mean that is what ultimately it is that's what's getting measured. Yeah. Yeah, you can't measure how much you're learning. You measure how well you're doing on tests and how much effort you're putting into your paper. Why are there measurements?

It's supposed to be you're just going to learn. I think because people are lazy as fuck. We want to make sure you're doing your work. And not only that, it's not just about educating people. It's about educating people and preparing them for work you know because that's really what it's all about and there's there's a certain amount of discipline that you're just not going to have how would you be able to get it like a creative kid and nurture them from the start fucking hard man the schools are real i mean they know they have

art right well you know we gotta we boxed ourselves into a bad situation as a species as a race as a civilization because we need a lot of people doing shit that sucks oh yeah it's not like as a child like you're groomed into a world of happiness and and prosperity and fulfillment and no there's a lot there's a maze and there's a fucking million pitfalls and million jobs that you can get into that are not going to be satisfying to you. You have to figure your way through those. We need people. We need someone. We need more machines.

You ever meet somebody and when you try to explain to them why they're wrong and misguided, you realize you're so stupid, I have to rethink how I'm going to express this to you. Well, some people, yeah. Some people just don't have enough information in their head and their view of the world is very limited.

I've met very few stupid people. I've met a lot of uninterested... I shouldn i met very few i've met a lot of people but much more more people are uninspired than are stupid there's definitely stupid people though it must be like explaining stuff to your kid no because kids get things kids get things and they don't have any refusal to get anything no kids get things and they bring it up the next day they have questions about the next day like they're they're pondering an idea the the kid it's not yeah they don't have any prior programming that you have to fuck with the real problem is a person who grew their whole life and and and their mind developed in some ridiculous way yeah and just stuck in that way you know like you get some poor guy who's a fucking fundamentalist christian one of those crazy speaking in tongues guys you know and at 40 old, he's just starting to branch out on his own and escape his former path.

I mean, what have the guys lost? Yeah, what are his chances? Good luck. Of being able to do it. Good luck. No way. Yeah, but if you got that guy when he was a baby and brought him up in a reasonable household where people were logical and loving and kind of like gave him sort of a a sort of a helpful boost but let him know hey man this is a crazy world and nobody understands it stick close to the people you love and enjoy yourself if you can yeah that's what they say

with autistic kids like the earlier you get them the more normalized you can make them really yeah but you got to get them before they set in patterns there's something to do with with autistic kids and um you know whatever it is it's causing that and there has to be i mean it's a very unpopular opinion but there has to be something to do with autistic kids and the next stage of human evolution what do you mean it has to be because there's so many people that are savants so many people that have autism or that'll lead to a jump in development or something i think what they're experiencing what these people are experiencing for whatever

reason because of their disease, and not all of them can do this, but the few that can, there's so many of them. There's so many super genius autistic kids. There's a million videos. You can look at them. I'm exaggerating obviously, but there's a lot of videos. You can go online. There's the one kid that we talked about that can look out the window of a plane

and draw the exact scene perfectly. I mean, he can just memorize things. There's people that can do very, very complex mathematics at a really young age. There's a kid that's, he's got something, like Asperger's or something, and he's this incredible composer. He's composed like five symphonies,

and he's like 11 years old or something nuts like that. The problem is this guy has Asperger's and hangs it hangs out the store and all he does is make it socially uncomfortable for everyone well maybe no one ever put a fucking pair of drumsticks in that kid's hand you know maybe you get that motherfucker on a drumstick but i i when you see something that's hyperhuman yeah and it's it's also attached to a disease you know it's like we need to develop webbing for in water world right between their toes and shit so moving forward yeah i mean i wonder i wonder what it is but when when you see people capable of incredible feats and they also have this incredible emotional and psychological

impairment you know this inability to communicate and connect with people or whatever it is that they have whatever you know personal kink they have, but to also have this superpower. It's amazing, man. It's amazing when you watch those shows, like whenever they have like an A&E show or something where they feature a bunch of people who can do like ridiculous shit. You know, there's some people that literally are another thing. They're like, they have a little bit of the new thing in them, you know?

And I wonder how many more of them we have now than just a hundred years ago you know i wonder how many more people are born i mean there's obviously like super geniuses always there's always been yeah guys like tesla you know and and stephen hawking and and dudes of that nature alive yeah it's crazy isn't it yeah most people with luke garris ago. I mean it fucked him up. It's not like it came out feeling fine. Yeah. But like he's still alive.

He's alive and making computations with his fingers. How's he doing that? I have no idea. God when I heard about Patrice not being able to talk before he went it was like oh that's it.

That's who he is. That's everything I know about him. It revolves around his mouth. Yeah. That's horrible. This guy's figured out a way to do something. Wow.

Keep it going. To keep it going. You ever seen his fingers move? No. He moves and he clicks on this thing and he can kind of move and choose his words from the screen. It's really amazing. It's amazing.

He invented all that junk for himself? I don't know. That's a good question. I don't know. I don't think so. Oh. I don't know. It's still amazing.

Yeah. I don't want to downplay the college life. I wonder what keeps a dude like that moving on. There has to be some form of enjoyment for him as well. He must be enjoying something about his science career.

One of your clear biological imperatives is to continue life. He has to have some is to continue life. Yeah. So he's like, I have to have some reason to do that. Stay alive.

Yeah, he must, he must get fulfillment out of it. Finding out new shit or writing a book.

Just like anybody. What a strange situation, man, to be trapped in your body like that and

doing computations with your fingers on this thing. Click, click, click, click, click,

click, click, click. Whose phone is next to the computer? Because the thing keeps going tick, click, click. Click, click, click, click, click. Whose phone is next to the computer? Because the thing keeps going. Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig. Is that your phone, Brian? Mine's way over here.

Yeah, next to your computer, right? Yeah. It's not the computer. It has nothing to do with the sound. You sure? Yeah. Well, doesn't sound come through that computer? Yeah, but it's completely muted.

It's completely muted. I don't think it has to do with the mute. I think it's the electricity. Oh, yeah, the electricity electricity It does that in radio sometimes It's not the matter of the computer being muted It is because you have the phone next to the computer It's like picking up a signal It's not a mute thing

It's not like it's coming through like a sound They say that when you're shooting sometimes They turn your phones off We're getting feedback It'll do it in your car sometimes too If you leave it right near your stereo If you have a hole underneath your stereo For where your CDs go or something mute off we're getting feedback yeah it goes it'll do it in your car sometimes too there's if you leave it right near your stereo if you have like a hole underneath your stereo for where your cds go or something yeah leave it there it'll it's real close it'll it'll find through

how fucked is that man how fucked is this some signal that's having a war inside your car they're battling for dominance and meanwhile these are all bouncing around and that's the reason they tell you to turn your phones off on the plane is that it i think so because if everyone's doing that it can really come through makes sense phones make sense you know or what doesn't make sense like ipods that doesn't make sense that seems silly but you know what whatever i think it's an it's an exercise in getting people to pay attention to rules it's just like moving your seat back forward i think that it's just to get you ready for the well otherwise, otherwise, how do three older women control an entire

plane full of people? It's like, listen, I want to fall asleep now. I don't want to turn it back on. I'm going to listen to music the whole time. Can I just fall asleep with it in?

You can't. You're going to kill us all. I got caught once. Isn't it that easy to kill people if all you had to do was keep an iPod on and the plane would fall

out of the fucking sky? It's one of the Holtzman's little jokes. That's what happened to the space shuttle. Oh, it's so easy. Some Jewish couple in the back

had the tray table down for the kosher meal and now you can't take off with the kosher meal tray down. It's a weird thing that you could actually even tell people that if you had your phone on

it could be in danger. Like, what? Fix that. Yeah, get it done. Fix that. You know those A380s? There was an article today. I think I retweeted it.

What does that say? Those A380s are showing cracks on the wings. Really? Yeah. Those ones were built how long ago? Yeah, I'll tell you right now. Well, apparently one of them was a Qantas jet and two other ones.

Were you? Yeah, with you. Oh, that's right. Yeah, we were. Yeah, world's biggest super jumbo jets must be grounded, say engineers, after cracks are found in the wings of three Airbus A380s. Cracks are some of the worst things you can find in a wing. Yeah, I would say.

Two Singapore Air super jumbos and one Qantas. Both airlines admit the cracks but say the planes are safe. What? This is our quote. Are you out of your mind? This is amazing. Those are huge fucking planes. When Ari and I flew in it, it's like flying in a giant

apartment building. We sat in the front and there was a second floor. We could go upstairs to the bar. So there's actually a bar that you can sit at? Yeah, there was a bar. There was a bar. That's cool.

Yeah, there was a bar, and they had magazines out and shit, and they would just serve you food or drink, whatever you wanted, the entire time you were there. It was ridiculous. The thing that you get in first class is like an apartment. It's huge. It's enormous. It spins.

Your seat spins. It goes straight if you want to lie down, or you turn it sideways, and it can be like a lazy boy, and then you have this big-ass flat-screen TV in front of you. I mean, it's ridiculous. And the food is really fucking good. It's like most airline food sucks, but like Qantas, first class, fucking good meals, man.

It's yummy food and you're 30,000 feet above the ocean hurling through the sky in a metal tube. It ain't like Southwest. The tasting menu, the eight course tasting menu.

Yeah. That's what they had. It was so delicious. Fucking great, man. You get pajamas. Yeah, you get pajamas and toothpaste and shit.

I jerked off on the plane. Did you really? Yeah. Here's what you got to do because the pot is not completely enclosed. So if any rich people are listening, you don't turn your body towards um away i mean from the from the opening you have to turn towards it because you're always worried like somebody might be coming

up right turn so you can see him come through the netting right because they can see you down there beating off if you're beating off yeah but i went i put my head by where my dick would be and i looked at the lady behind like who could get an angle at it she was asleep right so i was like okay how much time do you think you took probably probably it was probably a little longer probably like two two full minutes two full minutes yeah were you furious or no no that's why i saw and then i was coming stuff yeah real gentle but you base up on the left hand and jerk it on with the right that's what you were doing yeah because i was on the right side of the plane. That's probably good for your core as well.

Support yourself in that way. Well, just so you don't fall over. And then would you shoot it into your pajama tops? No. I shot it into the slipper socks they give you. Yeah. I turned one of those inside out and shot it into it. And then I was forced, like a peasant, to use my regular socks.

I was on a plane once with melanie griffith and we were flying to england she was sitting right in front of me and there was a dude who was right beside her and you know how when planes in the first class cabins that their their seats don't line up like everyone's not head to toe they're kind of staggered because they're these big ass pods well the way it was it was staggered was Melanie Griffith's head lined up directly with this fat guy's ass. It was right across the aisle, no more than a couple feet away. Her head directly lined up with his ass.

And he unloaded. This dude unloaded in the middle of the flight in one of the most horrific Tate-like farts. Our friend Tate Fletcher is known for having the most ferocious farts because Tate's a big, giant dude, and he takes a lot of protein powder. And when you eat a lot of protein, your body gets rid of it. It gets rid of a lot of that.

It's not processed that extra shit well, and it turns into farts. And this dude just, I mean, I don't know what he ate, but he was a big guy. And by the way, I don't even know if it was his fart because it's not like I have a fucking locator. But you're on a plane and there's a fart and you see a fat guy that guy gets blamed he blamed he gets blamed his ass is lined up yeah it's more than like black kids get blamed for stolen things fat people get blamed for farts on planes always

like that's like the first person you look to like fuck yeah it was him and the way it lined up was just his ass was just right across from her face it was horrific man i mean it was a it was a nightmare fart and i mean what are the odds in life that you would ever have your face or melanie griffith's face that close to your ass you could unload on her face like that you know i think i should fart on her face. I talked about it on stage that night in England, because it was so ridiculous. Because it was just such a preposterous lineup.

I could never turn it into a bit. But it was really hilarious at the time. I couldn't imagine. And I was thinking, what if this guy could plan this out? What if he came to Melanie Griffith's agent and he said, listen, I'd be willing to pay a million dollars to fart in Mrs. Griffith's face. I'm like, you're out of your fucking mind. We can't bring that offer to her.

Just bring it to her, man. Let her decide. Then the agent said, listen, I think we can work something out. I've been looking at how these planes line up, and this is what I want to show you. Look at this. Here's your seat. Here's Melanie Griffith's seat.

Look who your ass would be. Look who we got. I think we got it. I think we got it. I think we got it. And Melanie doesn't even have to know. Isn't that a little unethical, keeping the money from Melanie? I mean, that's part of my thrill. Well, you know, I'll just slip it into her bank account.

Melanie doesn't have to know. Just a little extra money in her bank account. This guy just opened his ass on Melanie's head. Poof! It was just hot. It was a hot fart for sure. There was some heat to it. That was one where you might not have known how bad it was

before you let it go, but once you let it go, you realized how atrocious, what a terrible person you are, how you should be despised. Think about all the shit particles from your ass that people were forced to acknowledge in their nostrils. Word?

Word. Are we at one of those crazy pods in Brazil? I don't know. I don't know what it's going to be like. Ari's going to Brazil with me. We're going to party. We're going to party in Rio. Apparently it's the nuttiest crowd for MMA ever. You've never seen a more enthusiastic crowd. Really? And they're all Brazilian on the card. A lot of Brazilians on the card. And good ones.

Husamar Paul Hares is fighting. That's a fucking great fight, man. That's going to be interesting. I feel like I must go nuts for it. Aldo fighting Chad Mendes, man. I wouldn't want to be Chad Mendes in Brazil. Jesus Christ. Aldo and Anderson.

They're like heroes. They're heroes. They're heroes. Well, they're two of three. I mean, it's really, there's no country like Brazil, man, where there's three UFC champions. I mean, there's only, there's no country like Brazil, man, where there's three UFC champions. I mean, there's only, how many weight classes now?

There's 35, 45, 55, 70, 85, 205, and heavyweight. So there's seven weight classes, and three of them are dominated by Brazilians. Wow. That's amazing. They don't have that in Americans. What's that? They don't have as many Americans. No. George St. Pierre is 170, but then,

um, Mick Diaz and Carlos Conda, two Americans are going to be fighting for the interim belt. So that's going to be, why? Oh, interim belt. Well,

it means a lot because George is out for a long time. He's knees blown. He had to get surgery. Oh, he had to get a, he had to get a patella tendon graph. It's a big surgery. The patella tendon graph is a really difficult one.

The way they do that, it's a long road to recovery. They take a chunk of bone out of your kneecap and a chunk of bone out of your shin, and they slice the patella tendon. They take a piece of it off, and they use that piece to recreate the ACL, the anterior cruciate ligament that's inside the middle of the knee, the stabilizing ligament. So then they have to screw that in place. They have to drill holes, and then they have to take the little piece of bone

they took from your kneecap and stuff it into your bone, stuff it into your humerus. Is that what it is? What's the thigh? Femur? Femur. Stuff it into your femur. And then they stuff it into the lower one too, whatever your shin bone is.

Yeah, it's gnarly shit. So he's out for a long time. And the old days, you just suffered from that forever, whatever you had. Yeah you had yeah you were jacked well that is actually a technique that they've been using for a long time that the patella tendon graft more than more than 20 years okay because i had it done a patella tendon graft done in the 90s i had it done i believe it was 93 i had it done um but now they more more likely or use um a graft from a dead person. I have in my right knee a cadaver graft. Really?

Yeah, they use the Achilles tendon. Sean Rouse is getting two new knees. Is he really? Two new plastic knees. Artificial knees. He has no cartilage in his knees, neither one of his knees, zero. Our friend Sean Rouse has a crazy form of arthritis. It's like super aggressive arthritis.

He's so happy now. I'm sure he's going to be able to walk around. I'm sure he's going to be able to walk around. I've got him bumped up. Yeah? Yeah. I was like, I know a guy who works at whatever. So what are they going to...

You know how they do that, man? They have to cut your knee off. Yeah, he's got pretty much nothing in here. You ever see how they do hip replacements? No. It's gnarly, dude. They cut your... They take the socket out.

They cut it off. They saw it off. And they put a new socket in there and drive it into your fucking bone. They screw this bolt into your bone, and now you have this new ball and socket set up in your hip. That's probably 100 times better than the original. Yeah. Well, I want to get everything replaced.

Sort of, no, because it's also an alien piece. Sean said the only problem is they said it will start to dissolve after about 15 years, which is totally fine for him. But he goes, dissolve to where? Just into my body? Whoa. After 15 years? Yeah.

And so then they go back and replace it? Yeah. 15 years from now, they'll probably have amazing ones. Maybe, probably. Yeah. They'll probably have one that's better than the human knee. Hologram knee. I mean, you would think with lightweight materials and if they could figure out

something that's biocompatible. Someone's going to start having those surgeries just because like I don't need it but fuck it. Well have you seen that dude

who he's got no legs. He lost his legs and he's competing in races with these artificial legs. He lost his legs below the knee. Oh. And so they put these

Oh yeah he's got like these spring things. Yeah these crazy fucking things. I wouldn't want to race against that guy. And it actually... He's, like, kicking ass with these things, man. He could run fast. And some people are actually saying, like,

this is an unfair advantage. Like, what? You can't say that, man. A dude gets his legs cut off. I know, but he's got springs on his legs. I know, but still. You've got to deal with that shit. Unless he's breaking world records, you've got to deal with that shit. Unless he's breaking world records,

you've got to deal with that shit. As long as he gets close, it's okay? Yeah. What if he shatters world records? That would be incredible. Can you imagine if guys started getting their legs cut off so that they could run as fast as him and getting these artificial feet screwed on?

Somebody would make these skates, and what they would do is, in the speed skates, they would come slightly apart from the skate as you were stepping up, so they would give you an the speed skates they would come slightly apart from the skate as you were stepping up so they would give you an extra split second of ice time if it's touching the ice the blade would get like slowly removed from your shoe wow so it's staying the ice a little longer and all those i think it was i think it was swiss i don't know they were all fucking shattering

records jesus christ just from doing that yeah isn't that amazing yeah it's clever little monkeys yeah clever little monkeys figure that out remember this uh last past uh olympics where the dude died on the uh bombs oh yeah oh yeah i forgot about that gnarly man that's why i'm a huge proponent of everyone should have to wear um helmet cams yeah everyone see what that ride we need to know that that's possible yeah we need to know that that's possible you know that We need to know that that's possible. You know? That's not something you should keep from people.

People that are considering being a bobsled person. You could die from this. Yeah. Everyone was saying how it was way too fast. It was running way too fast. Well, you look at what they're doing, man. God. They're going so fast.

They're flying in those fucking things. And I guess somehow or another you're steering with your weight correct um yeah i think so i mean you must be doing something right yeah right is that what it is yeah god damn there was a dude who was a fighter he fought todd hayes he fought in uh valley tudor in japan and uh he was supposed to fight hicks and gracie but he blew his shoulder out in the fight before that he won. And he quit fighting to become a bobsled guy. Really? Yeah, that was his...

Herschel Walker did bobsledding for a while. Did he? Yeah, I think he won gold. Then they started rethinking it. They were like, oh, we don't need bobsledders. We need fucking track people. We need people that are fucking fast and strong to push the bases.

Herschel Walker made them win the gold? Are you sure about that? I think so. I think he won something. Probably not the gold. That sounds ridiculous. Herschel Walker made them win the goal? Are you sure about that? I think so. I think he won something. Probably not the goal. That sounds ridiculous. Herschel Walker is a bad motherfucker, dude. He made the Cowboys.

He's like 47 or 48 years old now and he's still fighting MMA. And he fought on Strikeforce twice, at least twice and won. Dude, he's fucking shredded. He's ridiculously shredded. Really? Oh my God.

He's 48 years old and he apparently has like Superhuman discipline Yeah he was always The way he worked out He never lifted weights Well he says that But then other dudes say

That he has lifted weights I think he started after that Well no he also has Multiple personality disorder Oh yeah So he could be saying That he's not lifting weights And he's telling the truth

Because he's not lifting weights But Clyde is Wow And Clyde's the one That has the pass to 24-hour fitness but he's like no I haven't really worked out all day I think I'm pretty sure I don't want to talk out of school but I'm pretty sure I read on his website that he has trauma-related multiple personality disorder from football yeah and uh I read that and I was like wow well why is this guy fighting in mma then you know that seems crazy that he would go from that to fighting in mma but the fights that he's

had dude he's just mauled people he's such a fucking super athlete if herschel walker was around if mma was around when herschel walker was young yeah when he was yeah if he had decided to do that he's there's every now and then there's dudes that can just throw people around. He was so dominant for a little while that the Vikings pretty much traded their whole team for him. It was like everybody they had good and draft picks for the next five years. Wow. They're like, we want him that bad. Wow, that's a super athlete, man.

It made the Cowboys for so long. Yeah. Did you hear Mayweather wants to fight Pac-Man now? Yeah, because he's going to jail. Oh, is that why? Yeah, the judge will let him postpone his jail time until June. So if he can get Pacquiao to fight him in May, he'll make a shitload of money and then go to jail for 90 days.

So since the judge has allowed him to postpone it, he's like, all right, fuck it, let's go. Let's start the day after our fight. So it's going to be a lame fight problem. No, it will not be a lame fight. Pacquiao is a killer. But I think that a lot of people feel that Pacquiao was exposed a little bit by Marquez. The Juan Manuel Marquez fight.

That they've had three fights now and that Marquez felt like he won two of those. And it was not nearly the dominant victory that Pacquiao had hoped for. So a lot of people, I think, are thinking that if Floyd Mayweather was scared of him before, now he's relaxed. Now he saw the way Marquez dealt with him. Yeah, because he boxed the shit out of Marquez. When they fought, Floyd didn't even take any damage. Floyd Mayweather is just technically and strategically on another level.

The thing about Pacquiao is Pacquiao is a beast. He's got crazy power in his hands ridiculous speed and he can catch anybody and if he if he tees off on Floyd and he gets a good rhythm and starts coming at him

with those wild combinations anything can happen but Floyd doesn't feel like he can do that Floyd thinks he can stop him now who's he money on? I don't know if I had a gamble I'd bet Pacquiao

it's hard to bet against Pacquiao because Pacquiao's been fightingiao has been fighting big guys too. When he fought Margarito, he beat the shit out of Margarito. Margarito was way bigger than him. Margarito is a dangerous guy. He fucked Margarito up. He broke his eye socket. He broke his orbital.

He has an artificial lens in his eye now now margarito does because of that fight yeah and pacquiao was 15 16 pounds lighter than him easily maybe even more it might have been 18 pounds during fight time because they weigh him on hbo they weigh him the day of the fight too and they see how much the guy's rehydrated and they show you that statistic which i think is brilliant the ufc should probably incorporate something like that too but i don't think they want to admit how much some guys are cutting. Guys like Anthony Johnson. Yeah, they cut a shit ton. Anthony Johnson's fighting Vitor Belfort this weekend in Brazil.

Oh, that would be crazy. That's going to be fucking crazy. And he's fighting at 185 for the first time too, which for Anthony is the right move. If you've never seen Anthony Johnson before, he's another specimen. Specimen. Dude's a specimen. And he's a big 170,

like the biggest possible. I would see him walking around in between fights and he was well over 200 pounds. He was enormous. He looked like a heavyweight. And then he would drop. He said at one point in time he cut 60 pounds to make 170. A long time. I'm sure he did it over a long camp.

But he starved himself. 60 pounds. 60. He was up to like 230. It's a success story. I know. Exactly. Meanwhile, with him, it was mostly muscle.

You know, he's mostly making his body eat itself. You know, dehydrating and eat itself. I mean, he's losing a little bit of fat, but he's not a fat guy. He doesn't get fat. He's just an athlete. It's fucking brutal, man. It's like there's a point of diminishing returns. And I think he hit that.

He should make a way in front of the fight. I don't know if he can. He can't do that front of the fight. 14 You can't. You can't do that because of brain damage. That's when people are most susceptible to brain damage. 15 Then you won't cut.

You'll just fire your way. 16 But they would. They would cut anyway. Yeah, they cut anyway. They always do. They used to have weight. They used to have it in boxing.

They used to have the day of. But more people die of brain injuries because of dehydration. 17 How about after the fight? 18 I don't think in the old days the box... 19 Yeah, it doesn't matter. People die of brain injuries because of dehydration. How about after the fight? I don't think in the old days the box... It's too late. Yeah, it doesn't matter. It's ridiculous.

You lose a lot of weight during a fight. I don't think a lot of people were hip to IVs back in the day either. So when they would lose weight... To bleed it off. When they would lose weight... No, no, IVs to replenish. To put your liquids back in. That's the best way to do it.

All those guys look so weak when they're at the weigh-ins. They look like death. I've seen guys look terrified. Their breaths stink. Oh yeah, breath is horrible. Well, stomach acid coming out. Yeah, I mean they don't eat for a long time before they get up there. A lot of the guys, except the heavyweights.

I don't care. I love them. They weigh in on their genes. Fuck it. It's about the same. But there's a few guys that have had to cut weight at heavyweight. Tim Sylvia had to cut weight once. He weighed in over, I remember that. He was over 265. Brock's always made the weight. He cuts to that, right? Yeah, he cuts to that.

If he wanted to, he'd get to about 300 pounds. If he wanted to, I'm sure. If he started packing on the creatine, doing power lifting and shit like that and eating all day. But I don't think he can eat all day now because of that stomach thing. I think his diet has got to be very different. Time catches everyone.

That's not just time, dude. He had diverticulitis. You could die from that shit, man. People die. That's amazing. I never even heard of that before he got it. I never heard of it.

They should rename it fucking Brock Lesnar's disease. Did it? The same way they did with Lou Gehrig. Out of all the times that you and I have been to Fogo do Chão,

all of those Brazilian steakhouses, who would have ever thought that someone could die from eating too much meat that's would you have ever thought of that we've been going to those places for a decade yeah are you gonna go to the one in brazil fuck yeah of course you know the ones in brazil are even better because they serve like chicken hearts and stuff that people in america are kind of scared of that shit's delicious dude when we went to one in sao paulo it was one of the best ones i've ever been to ever. And they just kept giving us these chicken hearts.

I was like, dude, keep coming with them chicken hearts. It's like salted. They know how to cook, dude. This is a wild culture, man. It's a beautiful culture. The culture of Brazil is so fun. Meat and fighting, and the girls are beautiful, and they're living it's like... And everybody's playing jiu-jitsu. I mean, it's like, wow, what a crazy culture, man.

And soccer and everything, you know? And their economy has changed in a big way over the last few years. Apparently, they found oil off the shore and their economy's booming. Yeah. You know, they're one of the leaders, like the leaders of the world in AIDS research and education. Really? Yeah.

There's a lot of places in Rio also I've heard where people go to get good but cheap plastic surgery. I can see that. Yeah, like girls in Hollywood that can't afford going to doctors here. You can fly to Brazil and get your shit done there. Because they're going to get no jobs all the time and stuff. I guess. Yeah. And then, you know, then you just chill out in Rio,

chill out on the beach while your tits heal, and get on a plane and head home. Holla! I went on vacation, came back with tits. Boobies.

I'm excited. Yeah, it should be fun. It's a whole other culture. Yeah, just don't go to the favelas looking for heroin. Keep it together. And don't get bit by a Brazilian wandering spider.

There's a Brazilian wandering spider that kills you and one of the things that happens is the people that survive, first of all, you will have a 24-hour raging death hard-on.

Really? Yes. Yeah. The way it affects your body, it apparently blasts your levels of nitric oxide, which is the same thing, the same effect that Viagra has.

Okay. And what this stuff does is just makes your dick hard as fucking cold steel to the point where it's painful. Where your dick is dying. It's expanded so hard that it's tearing. Literally, the cells are ripping apart from each other. It's getting so big and so hard that the cells are separating from each other. Whoa. Tearing and agony and screaming pain.

And this is happening to all your muscles, not just your cock. Oh, okay. But every muscle in your body. It's just in mad agony. And if you survive, and most people don't, but if you survive,

you'll be fucked. You'll be dead. You might as well be dead. Your dick won't work anymore. It's done forever. Your body's going to be a wreck. You're going to be physically a wreck. All your muscles are going to be fucked. So wait be dead. You might as well be dead. Your dick won't work anymore. It's done forever. Your body's going to be a wreck. You're going to be physically a wreck. All your muscles are going to be fucked.

Can you go to the doctor immediately? No. You're fucked. Almost immediately. Almost immediately you're fucked. I don't know if they have... What would you say percentage-wise are you worried about the spider? I'm not going to the jungle.

I'm 100% not worried. I Oh, it's in the jungle. I'm 100% not worried. I hope it's only in the jungle. Shit. I'm pretty sure it's only in the jungle. Yeah. But if I want to put myself in a fucking boy in the plastic bubble suit, I'm going to dress up like Aquaman.

I don't know. I'm not really worried about it. Are hotels normal down there? Sure. Yeah. Beautiful hotels. They're pretty much everywhere. They have a tour of some other places. The nice hotels are nice everywhere

yeah any city in the world you know that's a real city they're gonna have some nice places to stay even in you know I mean I've seen like Kuwait Kuwait has beautiful beautiful hotels

and you know it's kind of crazy you would think someone just went to war with Iraq just a few years ago it'd probably be a mess right now right no

not really go there it's beautiful I had a crazy dream i was i quit pot and my dreams went nuts you tell me tell us about that because how long did you quit it for 13 days wow but i'm an everyday multiple times a day smoker um i heard that you get dreams and nightmares after three days nightmares yeah so i was trying to put three days in to try to get the dreams and nightmares. To see what would happen if you quit. But it took me two years.

We need to give you some alpha brain. I bet alpha brain would give you some ridiculous dreams. Yeah, a lot of shorter people kept saying, oh, it must be the alpha brain or whatever it was. It gives you really vivid dreams. It's the combination of all the nootropics and the B6. Because B6 on its own apparently can do that. A lot of the nootropics on their own can give you some weird dream effects. But apparently all of them together with the B6 really kicks.

It's fascinating. It was every night except after I did mushrooms. Every night? Yeah. I would get to create like plot-driven dreams, like long and super clear. I could remember them for way longer. Whoa. And one of them was I was dropped in the jungle in Brazil and there was all these like dangerous

predators. But there's also tons of mushroom spores. So we would like trip out. Dude, I think it's good to stop smoking pot for a little bit. I think it's good to stop doing everything. Tell us, break. I take meat breaks. I take meat breaks where I only eat vegetables

for a couple of days. Clear out a little bit. Just for the fuck of it. I just do it if I feel like doing it. Sometimes there's a good vegan restaurant near here, and every now and then I'll just have this real hankering for some real vegetable heavy food. Quinoa.

Sounds good. What are you saying? Quinoa. Quinoa? What is that? Vegan food. Quinoa. Quinoa?

Oh, quinoa. Quinoa. That's that grain, that heavy protein grain. I got the Whole Foods salad bar. They've got a bunch of different types of quinoas. Yeah. It's the only plant apparently that has all the amino different types of quinoas. Yeah. It's the only plant, apparently, that has all the amino acids that meat has.

Yeah. That, I think soy also. I don't think so. I don't think soy has everything. Really? Yeah, and soy makes you grow tits. Yeah, fuck soy. Soy made Brian cry.

Yeah, I like almond. Almond milk is great for you. I love that. I drink that shit every day. That's pretty much substituted most of my dairy, unless I'm having cookies. It's just a protein. I'm having cookies.

It's really easy to make by yourself. Almond milk? Yeah, almond milk. You can make it because you have the Vitamix. It's really cool for that. Really? Yeah, just do it. Mix it with water.

But there's a lot of good recipes online to make. Do you make it? Have you made one? I tried it once, and it worked. Do you have to soak the almonds first? Is that how you do it? Yeah, soak it overnight for 24 hours and then mix it up. There's something else I did to it.

You're just buying almond milk. Yeah, why don't I do that? Yeah. So I can just go to the store and buy it. So I can just have it done for you. Well, I'm just saying if you're crazy. If you're like turning your own butter. If you're really crazy.

If you're like going old school. Make your own butter. Have you ever tried to make your own butter? No. I did make my own whipped cream. I did make my own pickles. You did? Yeah. So why is it preposterous to make your own butter. Have you ever tried to make your own butter? No. I did make my own pickles. I made my own whipped cream. I did make my own pickles. You did?

Yeah. So why is it preposterous to make your own butter? You can't get that kind of recipe. Oh, the pickle recipe? Yeah. There was a place when we were filming Zookeeper in Boston. I wish I remembered their name because I would give them a shout out. There was a fucking cart that they had where it was all pickles and different flavored pickles. And some of them were really spicy.

Yeah. And some of them were really crisp and green. And some of them were like the more sour, like darker or lighter colored green ones. And they just had every kind of pickle. And they were fucking deadly. And I was like, Jesus Christ, you guys ship these pickles? I'm like, I got to get these fucking pickles.

They were amazing. I'll bring you some. I have a father made. Oh, yeah? I'll bring you some to the airport. You know, the best is a Bloody Mary with pickled asparagus and green beans in it. Pickled asparagus?

What do they pickle it with? Same thing? Same thing, Brian? Once you've already made the brine, you can use that stuff. Oh, so you just stick something else in there, huh? Carrots and green cucumbers. Pickled cucumbers are good. Do you ever have that?

Green cucumbers? Those pickled green cucumbers? Not cucumbers. Tomatoes, rather. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are delicious. They hold it have that? Green cucumbers? Those pickled green cucumbers? Not cucumbers, tomatoes, rather. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are delicious. They hold it really well. Yeah, right? They're crisp. They're sharp, so you can cut them with a knife. Yeah, Juice figured out a lot of cool shit. Juice figured out pastrami. You got to take off your fucking hat to pastrami, man. Pastrami did that well. Pastrami is like one of the best for sandwiches. Can you get a more delicious meat for sandwiches?

It's fatty and they slice it real thin. It goes with the luster. And then with Reuben's, when they put the fucking sauerkraut on that bitch. And then the dressing. You guys want to go to Jerry's Deli and eat right now? That was the hardest thing. Yeah, let's get high though. That was the hardest thing when I took my podcation.

There was one time I got green blots on my home. I got that, pastrami, half pastrami, half chopped liver. And I was like, I should be smoking a joint right now. This is how this should go. That would definitely enhance the food. People don't realize how much it does enhance. How far is Jerry's Deli? Not far at all.

Real close. Let's do that. Let's do that shit. What was I going to say? Oh, Cantor's is the best. If you want to really get down and dirty with your pastrami, that's the best pastrami in LA. Cantor's is, that's the oldest school, old school place in LA. How long has that deli been there?

Cantor's? A long time. That's exactly the same. 20 or something? Yeah, if you go into that place, that's exactly the same as it was in like the 1970s.

All those old pictures from there. Yeah, it's way older than that. Yeah, way older than that, but I'm saying, I don't think they've done any renovations

since the 70s, or maybe, it might even be the 50s, who the fuck knows? So if you're a plate of pickles when you sit down the place is awesome and the food is super legit

especially the pastrami and the white fish the smoked white fish god damn I'm getting hungry bitches so um to wrap things up can I say this

before we go tell people you can say whatever you want I got Minneapolis the 25th of the 29th that's what I was gonna say oh okay have another whiskey

throw the battleship around. Yeah. And then I think me and Kreischer are going to do a show with Russell in Toronto. Oh, really? I think, yeah. They're working on it, but they have a festival there. Oh. Russell's a giant.

Yeah, in February. Toronto. He's fucking huge right there, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Russell fucking dominates up there. What a nice guy Russell Peters is. He's super cool. You know, if you don't know Russell Peters, what a fucking great guy he is.

He's so friendly. He's such an easy, down-to-earth guy. No airs about him. No bullshit. Yeah, I always forget that he's like... Huge superstar. Yeah, I always forget that. We were talking with him, and we were talking at the improv.

He's like, I'm going to go on. And it's like, you can't just go, oh were talking at the improv He's like I'm gonna go on And it's like You can't just go Oh yeah Oh yeah You can't just go on I forgot who you are Just a regular dude

Yeah Well what's really crazy Is how he's huge In other countries In the UK He sold out the O2 Arena Like two nights in a row In Canada

That's insane Two nights in a row Jesus That's insane The O2 Arena Is where we do the UFC it's huge I don't know how many it is

it's more than 15,000 I don't know it's more than 15,000 though Jesus it's fucking gigantic man I can't even imagine I'm doing the Chicago Theater it's like 3,000

really yeah that's pretty big I did 3,000 over the summer that's pretty nuts 3,000 is nuts so many people it's a lot of people laughing

when the laughs come in it's a pretty nuts. Yeah, it's just so many people. It's a lot of people laughing. It's going back. When the laughs come in, it's a boom. It's like, wow. It's not, it's a weird thing, man. When you go, whenever you go over 500, like the laughs are bigger, but the connection's different. It's like, it's hard to like keep that real intimate connection with 3,000 people. I have to tell myself, this last time I was able to get a little better because I was like slow between jokes.

Paul was a lot longer. But usually it's like it takes me 10 minutes to like remember that. Do you feel like it goes smoother when you pause longer? Like what is it? It allows them time to take it in. You need more time because there's more people? Yeah, it's just bigger. When you're bouncing off the wall in like the belly room, the laughs, it's like 80 people in those small, small rooms.

That place in Boston, that upstairs in that Chinese place. it was like they all hear each other and react immediately well also i think that the the rooms acoustics are different maybe the way you process sound is different when there's so much loudness around you with laughter and then this this is projected from speakers at a far i mean that's a it's it's a tricky thing and you can't really see the guy really well so you can't get the facial expressions and so you the little non-written cues so like it's a tricky thing and you can't really see the guy really well so you can't get the facial expressions so the little non-written cues

so it's time to laugh yeah that's when comedy gets weird when you have giant screens where your face is on these giant screens

man you'd have to otherwise no one could see you if you do something that big well Dane would do those big places

like that but he would do them in the round he would do them in the round so they'd have to have somebody on the screen

yeah you have to because otherwise you're looking at his ass, you know, which some girls would love. Oh, my God. I don't think he started. He hasn't done comedy in like a year. Yeah, it's very weird. I see him at the... He said he was going to do an Ice House client soon.

Yeah. He's going to come and do the show. Maybe. Maybe he will. He's got the show show. Maybe he'll just do the podcast part, though. I don't know. I mean, he hasn't done comic.

I don't know. Some people should just fucking get tired of it, man. I asked him to do a storyteller show, and he's like, keep asking me, but no, I'm not back yet. That's funny. Yeah. He's going to take more than a year off. I wonder what he's doing. You know what?

Some people are just not happy with what they're doing. This is what I heard, that it was like. Slain pussy. I've sold out like 15,000 seaters, whatever.'s like like that's what that's the top of what you're supposed to do and I was like where am I supposed to go just keep doing that there's nowhere else to go or you know strong or maybe that could be it or he's just I know like we all started to get bigger followings about where it's like I got I've got the biggest following I can get well his following definitely

dropped off though I know I talked to people that worked in places where he was at, where he had been there a couple years before and sold 15,000 seats, and then he came back and sold like seven. It was still huge, but it wasn't what it was at the peak of his popularity. I think it's also a lot of negativity. He dealt with a lot of people that were not just warranted, but even unwarranted negativity. There was a lot of people that were not just warranted but even unwarranted negativity there's a lot of people that hated that guy yeah you know there was there was warranted stuff like the plagiarism stuff that

was you know it was kind of questionable i shouldn't say questionable but it was uh he stopped yeah he probably just he stopped yeah he stopped doing that for sure but it was also i mean the way it all went down it was it was you know it was very unfortunate for him it was it looked horrible yeah you know when when people were playing the louis ck bits next to his bits and just became you've watched him on louis show yes that scene yeah i didn't i thought that was weird you know i think i like the way louis like kind of like let him win because that's uh that's just in line with with how Louis would deal with the situation. It made sense to me. Of course, this is how Louis did it.

Louis is a nice guy. It sort of felt bad that everybody was going after Dane. It was what it was. It's weird. It's just hard for a guy to recover from something like that. When you get a label put on you and you get a lot of people that just decide to hate you.

I mean, Zach Galifianakis. Galifianakis? Galifianakis. He had a, remember he used to do a bit where he would pull out posters at the end and he'd write things on them? Yeah. And one of them was Kill Dane Cook. Got a huge laugh. Yeah.

You know, it's like. It was like, it's all sort of a group we can make this joke he became that guy even though a lot of people loved him he became the guy that a lot of people fucking hated you were in the clear to be able to say whatever you wanted and if you're not doing stand up you're really not

in that world anymore you're not attached to those people anymore you're not feeling their hate anymore you're like whatever now you have no effect on me I'm not doing you don't now you have no effect on me you know now you have no effect on me i'm not doing stand-up right now you have no effect on me i guess yeah i mean you if you're tired of people just the snarky critic who uh is you know just on instinct and you know on um just by default they're cunty you know there's a lot of people like that but by default, they're cunty. There's a lot of people like that, but by default, looking for something shitty to say. And when you've got a target like Kim Kardashian

or Dane Cook, when people are shitting on him or anybody who's in the news that is a free shot, you automatically go after them. There's going to be a lot of people that go after them. Tom Arnold and whatever. Yeah, Justin Bieber. So not doing comedy would help that? Yeah, because you're not connected to them anymore.

You're not doing anything. I mean, he's got enough money, I'm sure, that he could just kick back and relax for a few years. He probably could, yeah. He doesn't seem like a nutty spender. So if he can just kick back and relax for a few years, and maybe while he's doing that, he's writing some stuff that he really likes.

Well, he filmed three movies last year, so that could also be why he took a year off. Yeah, that could be, too. I know Beck did an album, a really great album great album called sea change it's all about his relationship with an owner writer whoa yeah and he said though he was like i couldn't write it for like two years until after we broke up for like a couple years and then i was able to like process my feelings about it and then write this amazing you know work how's winona feel about it i don't know they tried to reach her but she was too busy stealing shit.

It's a really great album. It's a good breakup album. He's a Scientologist, isn't he? Heck yeah. I went to a Scientology show of his once. Really? Yeah.

What was that? It was a knitting factory, but it was to raise a fundraiser for Scientology and my Scientologist friend got me in. Wow. You have a Scientologist friend?

Bobby used to have a girlfriend who was a Scientologist. Okay, so you're sitting there with all Scientologists and you? And Bobby. Wow. He must have been there too, unless he wasn't available that day. And so Beck is doing a show and going like, fucking Scientology rules!

No, we didn't really talk about it. And everybody goes, yes! When you see a car accident, you know that you have to pull over, because you're a Scientologist, and you're the only one that's going to know what to do. The only one that can help. I just think it'd be too bad if you,, Dane Cook, the way he talks about comedy and the way he's been 20 years in the game, to lose a professional.

Man, it's too bad. Well, who knows if he's losing it. Maybe he's just taking a year off. Maybe he's just reinventing himself. No, seriously, he filmed three movies. He was on a TV show. I know, but he was filming movies before and he never took time off.

Yeah, nobody. There's a big difference between doing all these movies and yeah and taking time off of stand up not coming up with a new album

not doing any stand up in LA yeah guys take two weeks off and it's a big deal you know two weeks is kind of shaky you come back

you're a little you know you gotta do like one set a week at least I had to call and say well I got Tuesday Wednesday this week

at the store but I'm gonna be gone in Brazil for the rest right and I only got that's what I called in for I only got one and say, well, I got Tuesday, Wednesday this week at the store, but I'm going to be gone in Brazil for the rest. Right. And that's what I called in for. I only got one spot. I was like, I'm not going to be able to

get out on again until Tuesday. Yeah. I had to call. I'm like, who's on the cover booth tonight? You've got to let me slide in. Oh, look at you. You use your juice.

Once in a while, but not once in a while. Only when you need to, though. I'm saying, there's no way you go off like a year with nothing. Who's making that fucking list at the comedy store?

It's fine not to give me one day out of the week. Silly fucks. I'm writing a new hour this year. Are you? Yeah. Are you throwing your old one out? What are you doing?

Done. Chucking it done. Did you make a DVD? Made a CD. You've got to make a DVD, son. You can't throw your material out without a fucking visual representation of it. Yeah. That's outrageous.

A lot of your shit is visual. Yeah. Hire someone to film you cheap prick and make it make a special yeah just put it online release it to people yeah give it to the world ari make a video make a video you need a video dude you can't just have an audio my first cd yeah i was i was upset that some of my shit wasn't visual so yeah i went over that made videos of it and released them just put it online after the fact yeah yeah there's a lot of shit like the um the old lady vagina bit that's that's a there's a lot of visual in that boom you know i don't remember the hand at the bottom boom oh yeah yeah

yeah that's visual you need that part that's a big part of why it's funny but how are you gonna what happens when to a woman's vagina? Oh, yeah, yeah. Don't say any more, otherwise you'll kill your face. Oh, yeah, yeah. That would be a little visual. Very visual.

Yeah. The fuck, Ari? So people want to see you. Where can they see you, Ari Shaffir? This upcoming Minneapolis show. Where is it at again? It's houseofcomedy.net. Houseofcomedy.net.

And you'll be in Chicago at the same time. Yes, I will be in Chicago. The 27th? Is it that weekend? It's the 25th or thecomedy.net. Houseofcomedy.net. And you'll be in Chicago at the same time. Yes, I will be in Chicago. The 27th? Is it that weekend? The 25th or the 29th. Yeah. There's still some tickets available, but they're going fast, bitches. Joey Diaz and Duncan Trussell.

We're going to be at the Chicago Theater on January 27th. And if you see Joey on stage, Joey will probably be not walking so good because he's just going to have surgery 10 days before that. Maybe get him one of those little scooters, little Zippos. Zippies? But if anybody wants to get him some flowers and say get well, get him some cards and say get well, Joey.

Fuck flowers, get me the cards. Get out of here with those fucking cards and flowers. Just give him a lot of envelopes. Give me an envelope with cash in it or nothing. He loves envelopes. So Joey will be there supposedly. I hope he's going to be able to make it, but he's getting surgery 10 days before.

Yeah, pretty tight. Yeah, tight scheduling. Duncan's going to be there for sure. I'll be there. And then there's the UFC on Fox the next day. You can see that. Or if you're closer to my man Ari Shafir, you go to Minneapolis and go to the...

Houseofcomedy.net. Houseofcomedy.net. Houseofcomedy.net. And Ari will be there that weekend. How many days are you there? Five days. Five days. Damn, that's nice. That's time for a relationship.

You could meet a new girl and fall in love and then grow to hate each other by the time the 27th rolls around. Work the whole nexus of it. Exactly. Boom. Thank you to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our podcast. If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight and enter in the code name Rogan,

you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. Oh, shit. Thanks to Onnit.com. O-N-N-I-T. Makers of Alpha Brain, the cognitive enhancing supplement, New Mood, Shroom Tech Sport, and Shroom Tech Immune. Go to the link on JoeRogan.net.

Click on it for the link for Alpha Brain. Enter in the code name Rogan, and you can get 10% off. All right. Thanks, everybody. Next week, we have Hamilton Morris from Vice.com. We're going to be going on an isolation tank tour. We're going to go to Venice. Yeah, and he's going to come on the podcast as well.

And I got Steve Rinella from, what's that show called? The Wild Within, which was a really cool show that got canceled. Now I think he's got a new show called Meat Eater. So he's going to be on the podcast on Monday. Yeah. That's cool.

All right, you dirty freaks. Vote for me. Yeah, Brian's got some fucking silly internet contest. He wants everybody to vote for him. He only has like 300 votes to win. Just go to DeathSquad.tv and contest he wants everybody to vote for him he only has like 300 votes to win just go to deathsquad.tv

and at the top it says vote for me just click on that that'd be awesome and I'll be at waterbeds and stuff Thursday waterbeds and stuff

you doing shows at waterbed factories no I'm just going to what is waterbeds and stuff buy a bowl it's the only place to buy a bowl in Columbus Ohio

oh to buy a bowl yeah they sell waterbeds and pipes what and that's where you're going to be? Are you doing a show there? They all listen to this podcast.

You're doing a show there? No, I'm not going to do a show there. Don't be scared, homie.com. Thanks, everybody. I interviewed a hooker on my podcast this week. A real one? Yeah, high class prostitute. How do people get that?

I guess iTunes or my website alreadythegreat.com alreadythegreat.com is it good long and good she just told me everything oh my god

ooh I might listen to that it was really fun I'm listening to that on the flight to Brazil it's the five other things it's a long flight yeah

yeah alright you fucking freaks very nice we love you guys we love everybody we'll see you next week thanks for everybody.

Thanks for everything. Thanks for everything. Thanks to everybody. For everything. I've been talking too much today. My mouth doesn't want to work anymore. Jihad. Thank you.