The Joe Rogan Experience - #1755 - Tony Woods

Episode Date: December 29, 2021

Tony Woods is a veteran standup comedian and comedy writer. An original member of Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam, Woods was cited as a major influence by Dave Chappelle.

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. You going to try to do the hat and the earphones? How are you going to work this? Because it's bad now. See, it's Christmas. I can't go get a haircut. Look, all it is, I got the shadow.

All you need is a mirror when you're doing your hair. I cut my own hair. So you go somewhere and get your hair shaved? I go somewhere, yeah. It's just, I don't know, I guess it's just walking in. Hey, what's up, Tom? How you been, man? Where your next show at?

Hey, I'm coming out to see you. Yeah, it's that. It's a social thing. Yeah. Yeah. I'm anti-social in that way. I just rather shave my own head. So you really know Joe Rogan?

And what? Like, you know, you do all of that. Well, that is the good thing about barbershops, the male beauty salon. Dudes get to hang out, be dudes. Yeah. When did you start shaving your head? It was a slow progression because I would say, yo, just even it out where it's fading away in the little sunroof back there. And then after a while, my man said, yo.

It's over. It's over, man. He said, just rock a boy and make him be like Damon Wayans. Yeah. I don't want to be like Damon Wayans. You want to be like Tony Woods. Yeah. And then he cut it all off.

Like, I guess. Well, it's just part of being old, my friend. We have to embrace. How old are you now? 58. I'm 54. Jiminy Crickets. It happens.

Creeps up on you. And I remember the last show that we did. Where was it? It was in the Bronx. It was at a college, right? And whenever somebody's ripping, I just, because I don't want to watch and it get in my head, you know? And some comedians think, oh, you didn't see my set. I don't want to watch your set, though.

And you up there, you like. You were doing something about girls who sound like a cockatoo. Oh, I was, you know, it was girls with crazy big hair. And you was like, ah! And they was screaming. I'm like, I got to go outside. I don't know what he's talking about, but I got to go outside. The Bronx, huh?

A college in the Bronx. Yeah, it was. Man, I don't even remember that. If somebody asked me, did you ever do a college in the Bronx? I'd be like, nah. Yeah, it was right on the one and the nine yeah yeah

it's me you I can't remember but I just remember you you like ahhh going back and forth

like and they were screaming I'm like okay I don't know what that joke is but I gotta get out of here I gotta get out of here I gotta get out of there

if someone's bombing too I can't watch that yeah that is. Gotta get out of here. I gotta get out of here. I gotta get out of there if someone's bombing, too. I can't watch that. Yeah, that is, yeah. That fucks with my head because then I think nothing's funny. But I guess because I done been in the game, I can bomb gracefully. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like my engines go out.

Right. He can glide in. Yeah, he can glide in. And that'll mess up the next guy cause the next guy come and go what you do to the room man

I peed on the floor shorty there's some bombings though where it's the crowd like the crowd is just whatever it is there's no energy in the room

but there's some bombings it's the comedian yeah and when it's the comedian i gotta get out of there if it's the crowd i'm like i want to go up there and wake them up yeah but if it's the comedian there's something in my head that's like nothing is funny like i can't i can't watch someone that's terrible because some guys they um like you know like i call it like a technician. Like this is the formula.

This is how you do it. Right. Right. And like, dude, obviously that's not working tonight. Right. Yeah.

Do a little crowd work, do this, do that. Right. Yeah. Something. Mix it up, man.

Cause they not, they're not known. Yeah. And so, well, don't you think that's the beauty of doing a bunch of different places? Like doing the road a little bit in Pennsylvania. You do a gig in Florida. You do a little of this, do a bunch of different places. Yes. Like doing the road a little bit in Pennsylvania. You do a gig in Florida.

You do a little of this, do a little of that. And the more you do that. I love that. Like back in the day when we were in New York, I used to go, I used to say, I'm going to the Caribbean. So I'd go out to Brooklyn, you know, do most of the Caribbean crowds. And then you do the downtown.

Like remember the place we used to do, I think Ludlow or something. It was like alternative comedy. Where was that? It was someplace like Todd Berry's just ripping there. You know, like they wanted it real subtle. Real soft. Yeah, real soft.

And I would go, whoa, whoa, whoa, easy with the laughs. It's alternative comedy. Isn't that funny? There's places they got mad if you tried hard. If you just smash it. They didn't like it. Oh, stop with the cockatoo, baby. Cut it out.

That's a thing. That's a thing. They wanted you to slow down. It's almost like they didn't want to race. They wanted to fast walk. Well, just fast walking, Tony. Don't be jogging. And when we did that thing in the Bronx,

it was mainly Latino Puerto Rican crowd. And they wanted loud. Right, right, right. And you was kicking it. He was kicking it. You was parading back and forth. That's when you looked like Tony Danza from Taxi. You was killing it.

Back in the day. But I had a full head of hair and everything. Yeah, you was, ah, look at him. Tony Danza,

there's a reference. That's funny. The one from Taxi, not the one from Who's the Boss. Oh, the different one. When I first saw you,

that's who you reminded me of. That's funny. and, but now, dog, you, you, you,

you're like the young, what's his name? What's the dude's name too easy oh this is best guy Larry King oh he's dead he's not just old Larry King's dead my man I think Kovac got him I don't know is that what happened to him the cover get him well he was life was getting them mean, last time I saw Larry, he was like a skeleton. He was hunched over. His posture was terrible.

It was like he was, you know, wasn't in the best of health. Very nice guy. And I'm going to tell you something, man. For years, like randomly, people go, yo, they were talking about you on the Joe Rogan show. And I'm like, what's that? Because I'm just kind of not in the loop. Right. So I started my own podcast.

It's called The Lonely Ass Bike Club. I just ride my bike, I put my phone on there, I go on FaceTime, I mean Facebook Live, and I just talk. While you're riding your bike? While I'm riding my bike. I just talk about stuff. That's a cool idea.

You see my face, and whatever's on my mind just pops up. I like that. And I've been doing that for about two or three years. But I also have a podcast. We had a group and it was called First Episode Again with Tony Woods. So I was like, if things ain't going right, don't worry. It's the first episode. We got this, right?

Right. And I had a woman, Maya. I had a guy who's a lawyer another guy who's like his name is Chevis so he's like as if we were on a bus he's the guy in the back

and like you're talking about something interesting and then he'll scream out oh that's cause a global woman motherfucker you know he may be right you know what I'm saying

he just has a yeah so it's him and we were doing, it was going good. No, I think the main guy got tired. Yeah, just got tired of doing it? Yeah, because it became a job. Like, oh, remember, we got to meet at this time. Like, ah.

Yeah, but that's the thing that fucks comics up more than anything is the consistency. Yeah. Consistency consistency of you know doing shows and just showing up no one ever complains at the lonely ass bike club Chronicles podcast because it's just you it's just me nobody ever say you late again nobody ever says nobody ever says slow down you're riding too fast well that does and when you have a group of people like a couple people together and they start doing a podcast there's always one person wants to do it more than the other person one person who has a group of people, like a couple people together, and they start doing a podcast, there's always one person who wants to do it more than the other person.

One person who has a vision, and the other person's like, man, I don't want to do it today. I think it was Maya. Big shout out to Maya. She had a big, not Maya the girl, you know, but Maya who was on. Right. Because she would have notes, and then she would say, did you watch it? Did you watch it? The one we did yesterday?

I'm like. Oh, she wants to review them. Yeah. I'm like, I don't watch my own comedy. Yeah. I don't watch my own podcasts. I can't watch my. I can't.

I'm like, when I hear my own voice, I'm like, oh, is he drunk or something? This guy is on drugs, man. I just. I just. something this guy's on drugs man i just i just i don't even want to that's one thing that comedians have in common is that we all hate our own voice yeah we all hate watching ourselves and then people see me sometimes in the grocery store and i think they think they're making me feel good they go oh man you really talk like that like you drunk or kind of stupid thank you thank you motherfucker yeah we all listen to ourselves though and like when you listen to your own specialty just like because you know all this shit you know what you you're going to say, so you heard it already. So it's not surprising.

So it's just boring. You're like, oh, this isn't good. You really hate when you leave something out. Yes. You're like, I was supposed to say this, but everybody's like, oh, it's good. You're like, no, fuck that. I was supposed to say that. Right.

The worst is when you record something, and then you keep doing the bit because the special hasn't come out yet, and then you make up new taglines. You're like, ah. They want to go back and redo the bit because the special hasn't come out yet and then you make up new taglines like I want to go back and redo the bit yeah you got something coming out soon right I think when is it you don't know we're still looking for venue so cuz I I don't want to do it like in a blah, blah, a big, grandiose place. Do it at a comedy club? Yeah, and I just did a comedy club in Wilmington, North Carolina. It's called the Dead Crow, right? Which, yeah, you don't even think that's a comedy club.

They redid it. You ever been there before? No, but I mean, like, the Laughing Skull's a great place, and that's got a fucked up name, too. And I like the one in Denver. Comedy Works? Yeah, the one with the oxygen pump in it. Really?

There's oxygen in it? It feels like a casino when I'm in there. Which place is that? Is that Comedy Works? It's the one downtown. Yeah, that has oxygen pumped into it? Have you ever had a bad set there? It's a good place.

I think it's just got good vibes. And everybody's having a ball. That's true. But they're all accustomed to that air. I don't know, dog. You think it's just got good vibes. And everybody's having a ball. That's true. But they're all accustomed to that air. I don't know, dog. You think it's like a casino? I don't know. Because I feel like, double down.

Let's keep it moving, man. Because you know when you're in a casino, say, how long you been there? About 20 minutes. Well, it's 4 a.m. Whew, my bad. Like that. Because the oxygen, you just feel. I don't know if that's true.

Do you think they really do pump oxygen into casinos? Don't say that I said it. I've heard it. Let's find out. Do they pump oxygen into casinos? Oh, into casinos, yeah. Do they definitely do?

It doesn't seek out because there ain't no windows. Well, I know they have air filtration because everybody's smoking, but you don't see smoke everywhere. So there must be some movement of the air. Well, what about comedy works? I don't think they're pumping oxygen in there. I just think it's a great room. I'm sure you've heard the myth that oxygen is pumped into casinos to give people more energy and keep them awake. This is, in fact, the enduring Las Vegas myth of all time.

There's no doubt that the casinos keep the air chilly to give that same effect, but there's no mechanism actually pumping extra oxygen into the system. And when I got the jackpot, when I did the cellar in Vegas the last time, and I hit the jackpot by accident, I won five G's and guess what? The woman who just popped up who thought I was such an interesting person was not a hooker. Really? Interesting. Yeah. Oxygen. She just happened to pump over. I just saw you sitting here and I just thought you were such an interesting person.

You smell that oxygen, baby? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. I don't know. That's Tony Woods and that's how he really talks. Yeah. And the real thing is I had a speech impediment as a child and they just said, you know, because they get excited

and what's there not yet nothing was coming out just think about and sing it out mmm yeah so I said Joe you get older and my middle son, he had that too. He hated it because everybody loved the way he talked. He was like, can I go to McDonald's? So he would just say it out. But by then, we passed McDonald's. So yeah, I'm like, man. So it wasn't a stutter.

It was just like a pause? A pause. Your brain is working faster than your mouth. Isn't it funny that that actually helps in comedy? Yes. That pause, that sort of embodied your style. Yeah. As a matter of fact, I heard a comedian complain about it one time.

He complained about your style? He said, look at him. He's killing. And he only went, eh. Because, you know, sometimes I go, eh. Yeah. And he said, he's killing. And all he said was, eh.

That's hilarious that someone would complain that you're doing so great. Yeah. With a slow style, slow, easygoing style. Yeah. So good. You influenced a lot of guys man you really did you influenced a lot of guys i remember watching you and there's certain dude like i remember always being awkward i always felt awkward on stage like i had to like get the jokes out quick like god i want a bomb get the jokes out quick you paced the stage yeah and then i remember watching you. I'm like, God, he's so calm and casual up there.

You remember you woke me up one time? I woke you up? Yeah. Remember I used to sleep in the back of the Boston Comedy Club? Okay, yeah. And somebody would go, hey, tell Tony he's next. Right. And you's like, hey, man, you next.

I'm like, dude. You was sleeping? I'm sleeping. When they call my name I'll wake up man You wake up right before You go on stage That's hilarious That little corner back there

The Balls and Comics I was always tired man I think I had PS2 Something's going on What's PS2? It's what you get When you go to the military What is it? It's not PlayStation It's more2? It's what you get when you go to the military. What is it?

It's not PlayStation. It's more serious than that. Because when you guys met me, I was just getting back from a dessert. So, and I don't know. I'm just always tired. I thought I had narcolepsy, but I would, you know, if I was driving and the music wasn't on or the window wasn't down, I hit a gravel. So were you in Desert Storm? Yeah, the first one, the Gulf War.

So there are a lot of people in that war, they had that Gulf War syndrome. Yeah. No, I ain't gone. I don't know what I got. I just, you know. But you came back and you were more tired? Yeah. More sleepy?

I used to be like super energetic. Like you watch my old but I slept more too and stuff I don't know but you remember what's his name Jeff Ross no he passed away hey Tony how you doing

hey man good to see you again Tony oh I know vick henley vick henley vick henley it's me vick henley and then and a little guy i forgot his name chris something but he was he was a little guy and we were doing birmingham alabama and i was the feature and the lady says tony you got an emergency phone call in the office. And I'm like, you know, I'm thinking, is it my mom? Is it my ex-wife?

You know, something. She says, it's a man. I'm like, I just figured it's one of my buddies who want to come to the show for free or something like that. I did my spot. You know, you do 20 minutes in the middle. I did maybe 30, 40. I didn't see the light and then I come off Vic does our boom we're about to go out get something to eat and she says Tony they're still holding for you what I

wouldn't have picked up the phone like I'm like, hello? He goes, Petty Officer Woods. I'm like, let me go get him. Like that. He goes, I know that's you, Woods. I'm like, ah! So he had to contact me. So once he contacted me, I had to go. So I had to, yeah, I was supposed to go from there to Key West.

So that phone call, the hold, was just to get you to go overseas? Yeah, that's called being activated. Oh, so they had to Key West. So that phone call, the hold, was just to get you to go overseas? Yeah, that's called being activated. Oh, so they had to just wait. Yeah. And it's a phone call to activate you. So if you just don't answer the phone, you never get activated? Yeah. Fuck.

Yeah, I know. I know, man. I know. I mean, they would have got me eventually, but it would have been nice to get me after Key West. Right. Yeah, because we're doing Ocala, Florida, then Fort Myers, and then Key West. I've never been to Key West, but I hear it's amazing.

It is. It's nice, but it's like no beach. Really? I mean, if you stay at a hotel or something, they might have their own little private beach. Back in the day when I was stationed down there, it was, you know, beaches everywhere. But the place wasn't as full as it is now. It kind of smells kind of Newark-ish. Newark-ish?

Yeah, because it's too many people. Oh, right. Like with the sewage and stuff like that. So the sewage is going into the ocean? Yeah. On one side of the island, it's like, mm. How weird is that that we just dump our sewage right into the ocean? But the other

little islands the best thing is is the drive. Like you leave from Miami or Fort Lauderdale something like that get a car and just cruise down and just stop at little seafood shacks and stuff and have what will cost $200 at a regular restaurant you hitting it off you sitting there and just and it's a it's a three hour drive two lane highway and you can stop go fishing go swimming do whatever it's just it's dope i've never been i keep hearing great things about it and i you hear the people down there the ba it's basically not america it's like they're island living. Yeah. Relaxed. Bahama villages. Yeah.

And they have a Caribbean accent and everything. It's just like driving to the Caribbean, no lie. You have a good time, you go down there. But whereas Key West would be bang, New York City. But all the little sleepy ones on the way are dope. So is Key West crowded now? Yeah, it's kind of crowded i was down there in the summer i was because everybody knows about it as a matter of

fact fucking jimmy the last time i was down there i i saw a place and they had temporary tattoo right i'm like oh that'd be nice get temporary tattoo right and then i see this little girl she's getting like a unicorn or something on her face and I'm boom who do I see Iron Mike Tyson no he's wanted I'm like yo give me the Mike Tyson one Oh right boom and she said do you want temporary or henna I'm like of course temporary I didn't know the temporary is's temporary it's tattoo ink whereas the henna will go away

in like two days I had that shit on for a week and a half I went to my class reunion with it I'm sure to you but it was cool it was like it was a

it was a conversation piece and just like him I got used to it. And then it was like, yeah. And then it faded away on me, son. But I went to my class reunion. My high school class reunion was back in October. A buddy of mine called me.

He says, you're coming to the reunion this year. I'm like, if I'm in town, I'll come. He says, but you know, you going to come to the 40th one? I'm like, yeah, when they come up. He goes, this is the 40th one? I'm like, yeah, when it come up. He goes, this is the 40th one. I'm like, no. I'm like, we just did the 20 one, right? And I did, I graduated in 81.

Isn't that crazy when you do the math? Yeah, man. What happened to anyone? When you see Mike Tyson in person, you don't even notice that tattoo. That's what's weird. I know, man. It's just, you don't, you have to, like, think about it i i saw his uh his that's he's the first one i watched man and and it was so good and um like you know how people assume that he's not but i'm like that dude the way he

fights he's he's he's gotta he's gotta be. And then when he did comedy, his comedy special was better than a lot of comedians. Oh, you mean that one hour thing that he did where he talked about his life? Yeah. Like a live show? Yeah. No, he's very smart. Yeah, man. Mike's very smart.

He's just, you know, he's a professional boxer. And he's had a crazy ass life. But you have to be intelligent to be able to perform under pressure the way he did. You have to be able to manage that. People think that that's not hard to do. That's insanely hard to do. And he's managing movement and speed and technique, and he's doing it all against the best boxers in the world at this time.

And everybody was way bigger than him. Way bigger. I mean, Mike is only like an inch taller than me. I saw him in there. Yeah, he's not that tall. Maybe two inches taller than me. He might be like 5'10". And he's as wide as a fucking building.

But when he was in his prime, the beautiful thing about that was that he would bob and weave and duck under shit. Like, people would be throwing punches, and he was nowhere near them. He was so good. i like when he said uh that was good comedy timing when you said yo man i saw this amazing video you did this you did you did that he said yeah man i was fucked up for a week after that that's true yeah i was like that's me because Because people say, man, I saw you on Facebook riding your bike. He said, you really did like 100 miles? I'm like, yeah.

Wah. I was fucked up for the next week. I had sciatica and all this other. Well, you were talking to me about how you had your bike fitted to you. I didn't know that you get bikes fitted. Yeah. Well, I used to be a bike messenger, all that stuff. I always got crossbars and stuff like that.

And I just never thought about it. And because when you're a bike messenger, you stop stuff. I always got, like, crossbars and stuff like that, and I just never thought about it. And because when you're a bike messenger, you stop and go and stop and go all day long. But I was riding, and I bought this bike in Dubai when I was over in Dubai. And the bikes are way cheaper because America marked them up 300%. So I got this really nice road bike.

Did you have to ship it over here? Yeah, I shipped it over. But, you know, it came like golf clubs or something. You don't have to pay for it, you know. Mm-hmm. So I'm riding, and this other guy who's obviously a bicyclist, he goes, because I'm doing like this, he goes, hey, man, that's a nice bike.

You need to get it fitted. I'm like, what? I'm like, this is my height. I know what my, he says, no, you need to get it fitted. Like, what? I'm like, this is my height. I know what my, he says, no, you need to get it fitted. And then he was like showing me, he's like, you go get it fitted. I'm like, how much does that cost? He said, ah, between two and four, depends on where you go. I'm like, two and four hundred for somebody to tell me to adjust?

But like she was saying out there, it's really intense. You're up on a machine and they're doing this and everything, the pedal stroke. Like if your things on your pedals are not long enough, they'll either lengthen them or shorten them. So it's like a nice suit to wear. Because you see them guys like. Them guys who ride in the park and go,

on your left, like fuck you you you could have went around me you just had to announce it he's right there on your left like that so it does it. Professionals dudes are really into it so it made a big difference though when they fitted it for you oh but I was

already hurting the guy who did the fitting he says bicycling is not supposed to hurt. You should go to the doctor. And I was like, I want to go. I'm scared. I didn't say that. So were you getting sciatica?

Yeah. So come to find out from the accident. Remember Angelo Lozada, rest in peace? Yeah. Angelo Lozada, Eric Nieves. We did a show in Jersey one night. It was like 2001, rest in peace. Yeah. Angelo Lizada, Eric Nieves. We did a show in Jersey one night. It was like 2001, something like that. And, you know, I'm in the back seat, and we're driving,

and they're speaking Spanish in the front. They're not arguing, but it's getting faster and faster and faster. And the speed. And these girls are supposed to be following us. We run like two or three red lights. I'm like yo we all been drinking we're in jersey come on you know watch yourself next thing i know i'm like because i'm hitting the ceiling because we're on the sidewalk baby

oh jesus hey eric neves um yeah that's because i've been with him for 20 years Yeah, that's because I've been fucking with him for 20 years. But because this sciatica thing, this whiplash thing, is like cicadas. You know, you've been injured before, and sometimes it's just nice and smooth, man. You could get flipped off a chair or something like that, boom, nothing. And then one day you reach for a pin, and shit cicadas are back motherfucker you know people eat cicadas i know a lot of people eat them they have recipes for them online i went down a rabbit hole on youtube and i started looking at like people cooking cicadas they cook them in the oven they had all these like teriyaki mixes it would like brine them and cover them in salt and bake them I don't know

man they seem to be delicious I've eaten grasshoppers the chocolate covered ants I've had that but the we did Okinawa one time, and we did, me and Chang Forbes and Reggie McFadden, and I forgot who else. But they had street food on the, you know, delicious, delicious. And in your mouth, you just feel a shape. Right. And I spit it out, and it was like the side of a mouse, like long ways. It was, you know, like if he's like this, like he had been cut down the middle.

So you were eating mice? And I said something to the lady. She's like, what? You asked for the fucking mix, right? That's the mix. That's the mix, mix right that's the mix that's the mix bitch that's the chicken beef mouse and oh dog was in there too yeah but he would yeah i'm opposed to that all of that i'll eat a cat but i won't eat a dog that way you know how you go over there and you sit at the little things indian style and you eat the street food but I won't eat a dog. You know how you go over there and you sit at the little things Indian style and you eat the street food and they just give you a whole bunch of samples and stuff?

That was another time. I was eating it. I'm like, this is good. This one right here. And then she said something to the, what's it called? Liaison. She's like, like that. And he go, do you have a pet?

Ooh. And I said, okay, I'm not going to eat no more of that. I don't even want to fucking know. I don't want to know. I don't want to eat no more. Stop the conversation.

Stop the conversation. But I didn't get sick that time because that shit was delicious. It was just filling a fucking mouse in my mouth. Yeah. Yeah. That's rough.

I keep telling people how funny Reggie McFadden was. He still is. I haven't seen him in forever. I watched Discovery Channel. What's he doing? Selling jewels, I guess. He was on Discovery Channel selling jewels? Yeah.

But it was stand-up in the 90s? It was some people, and they're looking to buy some kind of jewels. Not diamonds, but whatever they're selling in wherever this part of Africa he is, right? Oh, like in the ground. Right, and the guy's got the camera. He's got the camera here. The guy, he said, I can take you. And the guy says, you speak English?

He said, I speak English very well, probably better than you. And we all know Reggie has perfect diction Yeah, yeah Didn't show him like all right. Yo, and then where'd you go? Is that a camera like that? And they just kind of I'm like, yeah So was Reggie McFadden selling jewels in Africa? He's in that's where he's at. Yeah, he's in his own office Tanzania or something But I saw him Hit him on Facebook. Well, he hit you back. Is he doing he's in, I don't know if it's Tanzania or something. But I saw him. Hit him on Facebook right now. He hit you back?

Is he doing stand-up? I don't know. I guess, you know. But isn't that shocking? You remember how good he was in the 90s? That motherfucker was a monster. Oh, my God. Well, he did that.

Because he's like, the people go, I didn't use a condom because she looked like she was cool. She looked, that was his joke. Right. She looked like she was cool. And he said, the girl said, stick it in. And he goes, it's dry. He had to see it live, right? Yeah. And I i like this other what's the other one where he would drop the girl off in a rough neighborhood right he go he gone all right baby you be cool all right hey hey hey y'all leave her hey come back stop Stop it. Leave her. She's not.

Remember the bit he did about the pretty girl always has an ugly friend that's trying to break into the house and stop you from making out with her? What are you doing? But he would do the whole thing where he comes crashing through the window. He would leap through the stage. He was so physical on stage. And Reggie's a big dude, man. He's a surf. He's funny as fuck.

I saw him at the Champagne Comedy Club in Mount Vernon. Mount Vernon, New York. And it was a club that I couldn't work at because he had to be squeaky clean. So I was with my friend John Tobin. John Tobin opened for Reggie. And I remember watching Reggie and thinking, like, this motherfucker is going to be the biggest star in the world. He was getting murdered. I mean, thunderous, thunderous laughter.

Do you remember he was on a Dr. Pepper commercial? I don't remember that. That was way back. That was like for a comedian to get something like that. He said, you know, I'm a pepper, you're a pepper. Wouldn't you like to be a pepper too? I don't think he didn't have a part. He was just like.

But everybody's like, yo, look where you've been. It's my man. him and Warren and everybody. It was a great time. That time in the 90s in New York. Such an interesting time because so many good comics were there. That's why I first saw Chappelle. He was 19. First saw him at Catch Rising Star.

See, that's when I was gone. I was doing. I was doing my duty or whatever. And like, Warren Hutchison and Dave, they all came up to New York. Everybody came up. As a matter of fact, someone just did a documentary.

They did a documentary. It's a sizzle. I'll let you see it. Send it to Jamie. Can you airdrop it? And they got the love scene with me and Wanda. What is it? Yeah, you gotta see it now. It's just a whole bunch

of little clips of all the comedians back in the day from D.C. Here it is. Wanda came from D.C. too? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. How do I send this to you? Do you got airdrop yeah send it do you see Jamie Vernon do you see that I'll say like my MacBook Pro or

something like that yeah yeah that might be me and it's all it's Dave it's Tommy Davidson it's the fat doctor You know, Louis Black. Yeah. What's her name? What's the girl's name? Louis Black came from D.C.? Yeah, Patton Oswalt. Patton came from D.C. too.

Wow. As a matter of fact, the last show I did before I went to the Gulf War was me, Patton Oswalt, and a guy named Roger Mercy. Hmm. Yeah. I used to call him Patton Oswalt, and a guy named Roger Mercy. Yeah. I used to call him Patton Boggs because- Did everybody- Sorry. Go ahead. You used to call him that.

Why? Because I was a bike messenger and there's a big law firm called Patton Boggs. So I always called him Patton Boggs. It's like just nobody knew but him and me. There it is. Rise of stand-up comedy in Washington, D.C. Now, where was everybody out of? Were they out of the improv?

No. Back then, it was the Comedy Cafe, which had the Archie Ball Strip Club on the bottom floor. Give me some volume, Jamie. When I was a comedian starting out in Washington, D.C. This brother you know started out in the D.C. area.

Coming to the stage from my hometown, the nation's capital. D.C. This brother you know started out in the D.C. area. Coming to the stage from my hometown, the nation's capital. D.C. is the mecca for stand-up comedy because if you're good, you're good in this town. Oprah Winfrey started that weightlessness. Remember she kept on saying if she didn't lose weight, the old man was going to leave her? $80 million, he ain't going no damn way. If D.C. being the mecca of comedy

is a phrase coined by the great Andy Evans, then it must be so. Volumes of solid acts that we've turned out over the years. Black woman won't get mad at you for three months because she'll store. There's just a central information stream here in DC that's not like other cities. Black folks in DC is just's not like other cities. Black folks in DC is just straight up funny. Oh my God, look! Hold on!

So many people who are big names now are from out of this area. We had to have that inner human man for the doldrums of other things that were being shot at us. Cause that helped people with girls too, you know? Caucasians ran comedy. You had to be better to excel. I said a brother with 400 million can't keep a bitch.

A brother with a hundred dollars ain't got a shot. Dave Chappelle, Martin, Wanda Sykes, we were all really young. We got in Garvins, we got in the Comedy Cafe and we performed. DC being the Mecca of comedy is self-explanatory. I was just in the men's bathroom. I don't know which one of you gentlemen used it. I'm no doctor, but you got around three months left.

All the biggest stars. I'm married to a white French woman, and I have two white kids. Fucked up my legacy. What's the deal? Pickles is everything kosher? All around funny cats, man. Right, and like you always know who gon' die first. The Virgo. That's the good thing about us, maybe,

because we live a white collar, blue collar life simultaneously. We come up knowing the principles of comedy, like what really makes me funny, not just one joke. If you're here for a comedy show, you could walk up on a show that might have a couple of people you heard of. If you took all the comedians out of DC, it'd be a dent in the industry. All these great talents in DC, what's in the water here? What happens that you can create a Tommy Davidson,

Dave Chappelle, Chris Paul, Huggy Lowdown. You fuck around, don't have fun today, be in the morning, wake up in front of God, and be like, should've had fun last night, nigga. Our New York is the mecca of basketball. You know, we feel like we're the mecca of comedy. A ton of like live albums will be recorded here. If you were dog skin, people just start joining on you.

And I use my wit as a defense mechanism to push them back. DC comedy is amazing because it comes on so many different levels. We just breathe funny people. And I don't know if it's that it's on so many different levels. We just breathe funny people, and I don't know if that is so many of us there. D.C. always had, to me, the roughest crowds. Either they're going to love you, or you got to go. D.C. area has the most educated concentration of African Americans in the country. The D.C. comics tend to be smart comedians. That was one of the things I always aspired to be.

I can name 10 famous comedians, legendary comedians from this area, but they all got different styles. We have a great city in Washington. We never get credit. We get blamed for all the politicians, but we never get credit for the great talent that comes out of here.

If there's a battle, we're in the finals. The same way people say New Orleans is the home of jazz, I say D.C. is the home for stand-up comics. So is this out? The Mecca of comedy? The rise of stand-up comedy in Washington, D.C.? That's just a sizzle that the guy his name is Parrish. Right, but is it

completed? Is the film out now? I don't know. I did my interview. How long ago was that? I don't know, man did my interview. How long ago was that? I don't know, man. Tony. Man, I don't know. It was in the summer I did it, yeah.

The sizzle is dope. I like that. Well, it's undeniable that D.C.'s produced a lot of fucking talent. Some amazing talent has come out of that one area. How many clubs are in the D.C. area? Now it's the Draft House. They have the Arlington Draft House, the D.C. Draft House.

They have the D.C. Improv. They have the Comedy Loft, which looks like the cellar. And it's got, like, two levels. So that's cool. And then there's Comedy like two levels. So that's cool. And then there's comedy nights everywhere. And then up in Baltimore, you have Mugubi's and you have the Comedy Factory. And all in between, there are comedy nights all over the place. So there's just like a whole scene.

Yeah. There's a lot of real work. It always was. It just kind of fizzled a little bit. And I think it's just resurging with Netflix and stuff like that. People go, I want to see that joke alive. You know? And I think the internet guys got the audience reinterested in us.

Because the internet guys, everybody loved to go see him. And then they say, wow, that's all you got? Because they don't realize when they see a little funny skit that lasts 15 seconds, then they go pay their money to go see this guy. And that's all you got because they don't realize when they see a little funny skit that lasts 15 seconds then they go pay their money to go see this guy and that's all he got right 15 seconds so people go well i want to see some comedy comedy so bang so i think they got reinterested they're doing a lot of that now at some of these improvs where they have like a tiktok star will come come on because they can get a bunch of people to come see them, but they don't have an act. Yeah. But they'll fill out the place.

They'll sell out multiple nights in a row. Because my son said about some comedian like that, he goes, I laugh by him, man. Me and my coworkers laugh by him all day at work, Dad. Do you know him? I'm like, I don't know this guy. And then I see what he's talking about, and it is funny as I don't know what.

It's fucking seven seconds long. Right. And they just keep passing around. And then I'm like, and you're going to pay $50 to go see that guy? I'm like, what other videos you got? He got some other stuff. He's got some other stuff there.

I'm like, you know, all together, just about two minutes of funny. There was comedians that, the girl's name is Angela Johnson, was the girl that did that nail salon bit, right? Was it Angela Johnson? The Vietnamese nail salon bit? When she was a middle act,

she was so popular that people would come to see her and leave before the headliner. Wow. So they were coming to see her, but she only was doing comedy a short period of time. But this bit that she had where she was imitating a Vietnamese nail salon lady was so good that people would come to see her.

Wow. You got a version of it? It just has 32 million views on YouTube. 32 million. Watch this. It's fucking great. It's a really good bit. But the point is, when she was just a middle act, she was doing this.

This is her. Oh, she's at the Ice House. It's very Latina, right? Ay. No, it's not at all, actually. Could you imagine introducing me to speak at the Mexican American Heritage Festival? Señores y señores, bienvenido a mi amiga especial. I'm gonna call John Sin.

Hi. Excuse me, it's John Sones. Go to the Vietnam thing. I don't want to watch the whole thing. Well, it's the whole thing. It's an uncut version of it. I don't know where exactly

it cuts. Try it. It's right there. Barkley. You take him with you, huh? No. Yeah, see? She ratted you up. As soon as I walk in, they greet me right away. Hi, honey. What you need

today? Oh, um... Can I get my nails done? Okay, honey. Do you like pedicure, too? No, no. just my nails. Honey, why you don't like? Pedicure, it make look nice. It's so sexy.

It's better for you. Oh, all right, sure, then I'll get a pedicure too. Thanks. Okay, honey, sit down. Number six, my link. She do for you good job job, only $20, that's okay, sit down. Oh, okay, thanks. So my link starts doing my nails right away. By the way, her American name is Tammy.

Tammy. Tammy. You have boyfriend? No, no, I don't have boyfriend. Honey, why you don't have? You look so pretty, like model, cheerleader, something pretty. You like long or short now you short nails please

thanks oh honey that's why you don't have boyfriend I do for you long better all right fine I'll have long nails thanks it's okay honey only for that almost that's okay yeah but it's a great bit. But the point, and it gets better, but the point is like that bit was, it was like a closer bit. And she got famous off of YouTube from that bit. And she was a middle act.

But she was selling out the venue. They were coming to see her. They were coming to see her and the headliner would go up, hey, how's everybody doing tonight? And they would get up and leave. What about Chris Tucker, man, when he did his first Def Jam, man? I think he didn't have that much time, but he had 10 minutes that was fire.

Fire. You know, when he'd go, hey, man. You robbed my mom. Something like he tried to rob somebody. It was his mom. I forgot how it go what you doing pictures of my brothers in your pocketbook well there's guys that like were coming up that had like a great middle set yeah and then they had a headline so they had to stretch that

middle set out to an hour so they had to take that 25 minute set and make an hour out of it. But he had a I would describe Chris' first Def Jam set as an Ed Sullivan set. Because back in the day you'd see guys on Ed Sullivan and boom. To you at home you'd think he did like an hour but it was just two and a half minutes. But boom! That joker

was selling out all over the place. My mom and him said we're going to go see such and such. He was on Ed Sullivan. Do you remember when Eddie Griffin did HBO when he had shorts on? What was that? Was that Def Jam that he did? Yeah.

When he did Michael Jackson. Yeah, that's the one he... The one when he came out with shorts on. When he said about cocaine? I think it was, but I just remember the power of the set. I don't remember the content, but I remember

he murdered so fucking hard. He smashed that. And he had so much energy back then. What? Remember he did Michael Jackson, he did the thing

about cocaine. He said, cocaine is like a prolific drug. He says, you smoke cocaine and go, I want to talk to somebody

who's not here. Yeah, that's a great bit. And that's the guy who invented the telephone, yeah. Yeah, I want to talk to somebody who's not even here. Yeah, that's cool, yeah. And I was there the day that Bernie did his thing, and that was like a matinee show, like 2 in the afternoon. The crowd just wasn't like, uh.

And Angela Means went on, a friend of mine, Butch Burns, who's also from D.C., he went on. It didn't, because I think, I wouldn't say Butch bombed, but Butch stood there as if he was in a club, like as if he was at the cellar. He just had his hand on the mic stand, you know, just, hey, what's up? I'm like, no, son, this ain't the spot for that, man. You got to come out on, yeah, you got to come out on some Joe Rogan. Even I'm laid back, but when you see me on Def Jam, no.

I came out. When Bernie came out and goes, I'm not afraid of none of you motherfuckers. I ain't afraid. Kick it. Boom. It's just like, damn, shit. Boom, he just took it off. Because they were

power. I know but they were like you know because there was blood in the water and they they was like

oh we're gonna boo him too. He said uh uh not today motherfucker. No Bernie had power. I saw Bernie

at the Comedy Connection at Faneuil Hall and I walked in while he was on stage and he was murdering, man. Just waves of people just moving through the audience with laughter, like falling out of their chairs.

Just killing. Killing. And he, like his speech, the way he talked was like when I hear my grandfather and his friends talk. Yeah. Like all this, it was like he was from back in time, some, I'm a bush in your head. Like that's old man shit.

Yeah. Until you see the white me. When I see you, it's gonna be a misunderstanding. Just like that, you know, instead I'm gonna kick your ass. Like, boom. He was, yeah, I love that dude. He was something else. There was some hot sets on Def Jam back then, man.

Yeah, for sure, for sure for sure you uh when what year did you start um the third Thursday in May of 86 86 that was the height right that was like that when comedy like the 80s boom 80s boom I went in the first time in 1983. I was in the Navy and one of my guys, he was like 30 years old and I was like 18. So to me, he was

a grown genius man. He told me how funny I was because Eddie Murphy was on the cover of Time Magazine with a red baseball cap doing like this. And he said, you could do that Woods. I'm like, said, you could do that Woods. I'm like, I wouldn't ever wear that cap. He's like, nah man, you could do that.

You could, I'm like, what are you talking about? So he went as far as to call the Comedy Cafe, where me and Dave and all of us started out in DC. He called him up, set up. He said, go down there, man, you know, do your thing. Just talk about the same shit you talk about here at work, right? I'm telling you go down there and it was the first live comedy show Kevin Lee who juggles you know him He was anyway. He was there and you seen jugglers on TV and they always go. Oh my god. That's amazing Oh my god, that's so amazing. He juggled this that. And he juggled and bam, motherfucker dropped the bowling ball.

What? That was the funniest shit I ever seen. Because I thought he did it on purpose. Because it went bam, everybody jumped and shit. And he just kind of picked it up real quick and kept juggling. And then everybody else was going. Everybody was like, to me, everybody was fucking super funny. And then I remember, what's his name?

He just passed away. William Stevenson. William Stevenson was the emcee. And he said, next we have another funny human being. Remember he used to always say that, funny human being? He says, it's a new guy, Tony Woods. And everybody started clapping. And me too. I was clapping too, like, where's Tony Woods? Because everybody started clapping. And me too.

I was clapping too, like, where's Tony Woods? Because I'm not going up there, motherfucker. I'm like, I'm not ready for this. So I didn't go on stage again for three more years, man. And when I did go, me and my buddy Vance used to go to the comedy club. And every week, I put my name on the list chicken out but we sit and hear some jokes

so the next morning my wife would say how was it last night because me and Vance would hang out in the comedy club for maybe 30 minutes then go to ladies night and then in the morning she would go how was it last night

she said what did you talk about I did my thing about how girls look like a cockatoo. And she'd go, oh, that's pretty good. You know what I mean? Whatever I heard that caught my ear that night, I would tell her. And I remember she was brushing her teeth one time, and I said somebody else's joke. And she'd go, that was funny.

And she didn't laugh. She'd go, that was funny. I'm like, okay. She starts to tell everybody i'm doing comedy and everybody's like yeah we want to come see him like ah man well you know you don't want to come down it's it'd be so late at night then one day it was the third thursday in may and she said the executives are going out of town we don't have to work tomorrow. So, your mom's gonna keep the baby and I'm going with you. Fucking heart was beating so fast.

Like, boom, shaka, boom, shaka, boom, shaka, boom, shaka, boom. Oh, my God. I'm like, you know what? I was thinking,

man, you could just, we need to spend time together. We just had, since my mom got the baby, we just had like, you know, a little blockbuster night,

you know, just, no, I'm going to the comedy, I want to see you. Oh. Oh. That was a long day, Joe.

Because all day long, I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do? What the fuck am I going to do? So I write down stuff. I forget everything I wrote down. But I go down there. While we're sitting there watching the other comedians, she would nudge me. She'd go, he's doing your joke. Oh, no. Oh, no. Like other comedians. She would nudge me. She'd go, he's doing your joke. Oh, no.

Like other comedians. And I'm like, no. I said, no. The comedians, they get together and they share jokes. I just said, but then they called me up. I forgot what I was going to say. I said, you guys look good. You guys smell good.

And then this guy in the front says, his leg is shaking. Because my leg was shaking and i said hey your stomach's shaking and i said hey but don't worry about man i used to be fat too and then i said i was a whopping 70 pounds and i said but i was only this tall and the rest i guess god sent it to me because i did this whole bit about setting my mom's bed on fire and all this other my cat talking to me oh it was just bang bang bang and I remember before I went on stage the fat doctor that night was the host and the fat doctor said where do you want your light and I said like right in the front I don't know what the fuck that right

right what do you want your light means you want a two-minute light, three-minute light, four-minute light? He said, hey, man, where do you want your light at? I'm like, right in the front. That's good. And I remember him looking at me like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Stupid. But I went up, and I kill. And then, bang, the light came on.

I said, good night, Tony Lewis. Like that, right? Ran off, and everybody was shaking. And Martin Lawrence and Pierre and all them, shaking my hands. They're using comedy stuff like, hey, man, good set, and all this. I'm like, all right.

And I sat there and was kind of short-lived because I sat down with my wife and my boy Vance. And my boy Vance said, I told you, I told you, I told you. Which he kind of was almost telling her that this is his first time. But he was telling me. But he didn't say nothing. Didn't actually say it? The next guy that came on was a professional.

He says, from the pro side, we got this guy. And he went up. He wasn't doing so good because I had fucking ripped. First time? First time. Because I was nervous. And then she said, you need to tell them that they need to stop paying you up in here. Huh?

She said, you have been coming here for over six months. Oh, no. And you're one of the funniest ones tonight. You need to go back there and tell them other comedians to give you some money. Oh, no. I said, well, you know, I could do it next week, you know what I'm saying? Because they all backed here.

I'm like, okay. So I went, I walked in the back, and good thing the guy you saw, Andy Evans, who was like the godfather, it's a good thing he was there. Because I was like, I said, yo, what's up, man? How I get paid up? And he goes, huh? I said, how do I get paid? He goes, oh, hold

on. I'll be right back. I'm going to go get the guy who can pay you. I'm like, okay. He's like, yeah. Because I look back at her like, yeah, I got this shit. I got this shit. Boom. Him and all the other comedians, because they're back on the stairwell. They all behind the bar.

They all come up and go, what's up brother, what you say again? I said, because everybody's looking at me. I'm like, I said, I said, you know, how do you get paid to do comedy? And he go, no, no, that ain't what you said. You said, hey motherfucker, how I get paid?

Like he just overdid it. He said, I grabbed him in the car and said, bitch, you better't what you said. You said, hey, motherfucker, how I get paid? He just overdid it. He said, I grabbed him in the car and said, bitch, you better give me some money or something like that. I'm like, nah. And they all started laughing. And then I'll never forget. They was all laughing. Because they knew it was my first time. And then Fat Doctor came.

And he goes, whoa, hold up. Wait a minute. What's your name, man? I said, Tony Woods. He goes, yeah, man. That was you up there, wasn't it? I'm like, yeah. hold up wait a minute what's your name man I said Tony Woods he goes yeah man that was you up there wasn't it I'm like yeah he goes I'm gonna tell you something man look what you did tonight do that about 500 more times then come back and talk to us get the fuck out my face and they were all laughing and I went back over

there with my wife. And she said, so what'd they say? Because they must have liked you because they're still laughing. Fuck them. They all still remember that. They was all back there laughing and just having a good time. How long was it before you started getting paid? As a matter of fact, that guy Andy Evans put me on a TV show two months later.

It was a public access show. I didn't get paid, but from the public access show I got paid. It was me, Warren Hutchinson, Wanda Sykes. No, Wanda wasn't there yet. It was Robin Montague, Tommy Davidson, a lot of us. But me and Warren and Martin Lawrence were open micers. And so the the real comedians like what are they doing here because we were sitting there like first day of school the three of us like what do I go on yeah but we all did we all

did well that's public access and now yeah we've been rocking ever since what how many years in do you think were you a professional? Like how many years did it take before you started getting paid? Yeah, I don't, I don't, I don't, yeah, it didn't take me years. I did the TV show, and then I would just go on stage and just go to sleep. Like other people were writing jokes. I wasn't. I was just talking about stuff that had happened to me and just twisting it around and doing this.

So one year in, this guy's in the audience from BET. And he says, that was great. I want you to be on this TV show called Tell Me Something Good. I'm like, OK. It's this game show and it's on BET. I'm like, what's that? He goes, black entertainment television. I'm going to laugh. And he gave me his card. I'm like, yeah, I said, this shit would be cool as shit. You know, if it was, because there was no cable TV in D.C. at that time. So the next day, my dispatcher calls me, said, yo, 777-777,

you're going to drop off your packages to another courier because you've got to give your wife a landline. You've got to go home emergency. I'm like, oh shit, what the fuck? And she says, yo, I checked the messages. She said, a guy named

Stu Perkins from Black Entertainment Television calls you and he wants you on the show today. I'm like, yeah, that clown. She says, you never heard of that?

I'm like, what the fuck is that? I'm like, we got a network? For real? heard it I'm like what the fuck is that I'm like we got a network for real and so I went home boom got changed went down to Duke Street in Virginia and did it it was a live taping of a game show called tell me something good and people would actually call in and answer the question was like on a maybe a 10-second delay. You know you couldn't do that now. Everybody would be cursing and stuff like that. This is like 1988.

And then, Joe, right after that, there's a contest called the National Lampoon Comedy Playoffs. Nationwide. Leslie Nielsen was the host out in Vegas and did that. And you only had to have uh seven minutes boom I smashed that shit and went to Vegas and met Leslie Nielsen and that's when my gambling problem started okay this is a good thing so we check into the Sahara's not even there no more so my last name is Woods that's a W everybody had So we check into the Sahara. It's not even there no more. So my last name is Woods. That's a W.

Everybody had their rooms. Boom. And the lady said, well, you know, you're Wood, so we're going to have to put you on such and such floor, right? Because this is back in the day when only a few people had the magnetic thing. So I had to stick it in the elevator to go up to my floor. I had to double doors. I'm like, what?

It looked like the fucking room in Hangover. Wow. Like, what the fuck? And so everybody knows that I'm only two years in on comedy, something like that. So they said, poolside interview. I get down there.

I'm talking to all the working comedians. Like, yo, man, you see the room? They like, hmm. First time in a hotel, buddy? Like, you knowians like, yo, man, you see the room? They like, hmm. First time in a hotel, buddy? Like, you know, like, I'm like, fuck, these dudes stay in rooms like this all the time? Right? And so we all hang out and then say, yo.

And everybody's like, yo, we're going to go get, I say, yo, we can go to my room. I got beer and wine and stuff in my room and sodas and what you went shopping? Like, mm-hmm, it's in my room. I got beer and wine and stuff in my room and sodas. What, you went shopping? It's in my room. And we go upstairs, and I stick the card key in, and we go up to the floor. I got the double doors going.

Everybody's like, what the fuck? That is when the rumors started that I was a shoo-in. I was fucking around, going around pretending I didn't know anything about comedy like I was like hey man so what comedy club do you who do I call to get to that comedy club do I send them a tape like that cause that was really me but they were like yeah what the fuck you doing like it was a set

and then on top of that I fucking ripped on the thing so they like yeah it's a motherfucker they thought it was a set up so they thought you were just a long time pro and it was all bullshit yeah i was bullshitting and you were a rigged guy yeah yeah like i was like i was a shoe in and i was just in there yeah but i i was actually a new dude one of the things that people have always asked me about you they go where's his specials like how come he doesn't have specials out? Because so many people talk about how funny you are,

but they go, how do I see him? Do you have any specials? Have you put out any specials? I did a special in Australia some years ago by accident. It was on the comedy channel. They still talk about it in Australia. That's the first time. Me and Greer Barnes went over there the first time. And I was the last one.

Right, you're supposed to do seven minutes, TV taping. I was the last one. I was smashing that shit, killing. And boom, you hear the announcer go, Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Woods. Because I had done 25 minutes. Oh, so he said it while you were on stage talking? Yeah, because I was killing it.

Because you hadn't gotten on stage. I wasn't going to stop. But it worked out. Like, you ever see that movie, Old Brother Wild Thou? Yeah. So the rest of the festival, me, Greer Barnes, Renee Hicks,

and Sue, I think Sue Miller or Sue Murphy. We were there. And I was supposed to be the headliner. It just wasn't hitting. I could do other people's shows. I could go to Joe's show and rip. But in my show, I was like, fuck. I couldn't get it.

And everybody was like, is this the guy? Then they said, do you want to go on the road? So we're going to go on the road. And they have A tour, B tour, C tour. So they put me on a tour. And since my shows weren't all that good, they had me in the opening spot. Like they have an MC, one, two, what do you call it? Intermission, and then one or two more guys.

And did you ever see Old Brother Wild Thou with George Clooney? what do you call it, intermission, and then one or two more guys. And did you ever see Old Brother Wild Thou with George Clooney? Yeah. Remember, they had been on the run, they were doing all this other shit, and then they snuck on, they was going to get a gig, and they walked out on stage, and they said, the Shaggy Bottom Boys.

Everybody went, ah! Because this shit had aired on television, the set that I had done, when I was talking about the the nursery rhymes is not nursery rhymes so i was talking about like little red riding hood and all that you know like god what's her name the the the criminal girl you know the okay the the one where i say the girl has a she she walks into the gate that's trespassing she never knocks she's twisted that's unlawful entry and it's a got a lot of charges.

Then she sit down to eat the food. Ooh, this food too hot. Bitch, this ain't your food. Fuck outta here, you know? Except it's a whole long story that I do with that. And dude, I had like a two to three minute standing ovation applause break. Wow. Cause everybody's like

that's the guys the soggy bottom boys and then that and then so boom no one can follow that so boom the next night they go well we'll have you close the first half okay boom and then so I was closing the show, and they had a group act. They had guys, three men who juggled and do all the, I had to close the fucking show behind them because every little town we was going in in Australia, they was going. I walk out there and go, ah. The road manager was going, okay, everybody get ready. Like that. Because I would walk out of small towns and

they just go from this one accidental comedy special yeah now how come you didn't do more after that I don't know man you've been doing comedy 30 plus years yeah you are the one of the best comics ever that doesn't have a special hmm oh yeah no you're the best comic ever that doesn't have a special. No, you're the best comic ever that doesn't have a special. How about that? Oh, wait. I did the Comedy Central special. Remember that?

Oh, when was that? I think that was 2000 or 2001, something like that, for Comedy Central. And was that a half hour? I think 20 minutes. Me, Zach Frenakalakaris, and Sklar. Zach Alfenakis? Yeah, my guy. I got a speech impediment, Zach.

He know me. Cause his name just keeps going. When you say, you say Zach Galifianakis. Yeah, it keeps going. Yeah, it keeps going,

man. It's like heavy D to bone, D, D, D, D, D, D,

D. Yeah, but you haven't done like an hour special. Nah, it was me, Zach, the Sklar brothers, and Tom Papa.

Oh, I love Tom Papa. Yeah, we did that. And cause Tom Papa to me is I love Tom Papa. Yeah, we did that. Because Tom Papa to me is, what's his name, Jack Benny. Yeah, very similar. Yeah, Tom Papa looks like he belongs in another time era when he's on stage.

What was the black dude with Jack Benny? Was this Roscoe or Winchester? Oh, I don't, I never watched that show. He had the, it was black comedy, but it Black people didn't like it, but it was uh, it was funny shit He said cuz he would say shit like he's a Roscoe, you know, I think I see the bear And then he looked back Roscoee was like, I'm in the car, boss. Like that just, it was very bad,

but it was very, This is it right here? It was time. Boom, that's him. That's the black dude right there. What's his name? What was his name? Rochester.

Rochester Anderson. Rochester Anderson. Died in 1977. Wow. Jack Benny. Yeah. And look at that It looks like Tom Papa

Standing there down there A little bit Yeah He's looking at Tom Papa He's looking at Tom See look at that Down the bottom See that's Tom Papa

Right there If you took Tom Papa And shoved him in another time He'd fit right in In the Jack Benny era There's a lot of dudes like that That seem like Look at that

Rochester looks a little bit Like Roy Wood Jr. A little bit Look at Jack Benny With Marilyn Monroe Where? Right there Is that Jane Mansfield?

No that's Marilyn Monroe That's Marilyn Monroe God damn she was hot Look at that He got that I hit that look Look at that He got that look

Like he You know He done something Something terrible Look at him He's gripping her waist too Did he date her or something? It look like he hit it

It seems like there were A lot of pictures of them together I'm suspicious Her waist is small That's natural I'm suspicious Her waist is small For a titties baby That's natural That's like no No gym time at all

Women didn't even know You could exercise back then That motherfucker Looked like Dracula When he was younger though Oh right there Yeah Totally

Oh on the news On NBC radio Isn't that wild man That people used to do comedy On the radio They used to do like sketches And shit on the radio, on NBC radio. Isn't that wild, man, that people used to do comedy on the radio? They used to do sketches and shit on the radio. You know who else has that old-timey voice? Dan Natterman.

Okay, yeah. Did you ever see that movie about Seabiscuit and the guy who was doing the announcers? No. What do you say there? The guy from Shameless. He was the voice in that movie about the horse. Oh, I know who you're talking about.

I watch too much movies. But, Joe, I'll tell you, my career has kind of been like Forrest Gump, the character, Forrest Gump. People always go, what happened? But everything that happened, like a lot of the big shit that happened in comedy, I was right there. I don't know what happened, but I was right there. And then people, like, remember when Forrest said, so one day I just started running.

He don't know why people's following him. Like, people go, oh, my God, you've influenced so many people. Oh, I don't know why the fuck they following me, dog. Like, I'm not just leaving my special. I'm not just leaving my successful film career. I'm not just leaving my sitcom career. I'm not leaving none of that shit. I'm just running.

Motherfuckers is just following me. And then they hang on my words. Sometimes I'm just talking in my own head. Really, remember when the guy came up and the mud splashed and he said, shit. And then he says, it happens, like that. Yeah. And there's been times when I've run into comedians and go, yo, I will never forget the time that you said to me. Because, you know, the guys, they come up,

I say, yo, good set, man. They go, you liked it? I'm like, son, you changed my life. Right? Which is better than, like, some comedians would go, you need to get out of the business. Right. As a matter of fact, somebody said that to him,

to that guy who plays Eddie Murphy's son in the new, what's his name? Damon, Jamin, Jamal. I forgot his name. I know him, though. He plays Damon Wayne? No, he plays Eddie Murphy's son in the new Coming to America. I don't know. But anyway, he's from D.C. too.

Oh, okay. And I remember when he had first moved to New York, and he just called me up one night, just kind of, he said, man, do you think I moved to New York too soon? You think? And he used those exact words, and we both know who the fuck said that. He said, do you think I need to get out the business? And I was like, man, fuck that dude. Who said it?

You know, who used to always say that? He need to get out the business. Patrice? Nah. Who? Who said it? You know who used to say that. No. Where to get out the business. Patrice? Nah. Who? Who said it? You know who used to say that. No.

Where we go? Chick-fil-A? Did you get any chicken fingers at Chick-fil-A? Well, then I don't know, because I don't like disrespect the dead. I don't know what you're saying. You'll figure it out soon. No, I didn't. What are out soon no i didn't worry about man sometime my jokes in the future okay we don't have to talk about it but did it ever occur to

you that like man i need to get out like an hour special because so many people would come to see you just based on other people's recommendations based on having seen you before. I mean, you always did well. Everybody loved you. Sometimes I'll have an amazing two and a half hour set in some little club like I just did the Dead Crow, right? And then I'll be somewhere big and it'd be like, yeah, he was good. He was good, yeah. But when it's like, yeah, I don't know. I don't know what this is. But I know you're working on a special right now.

Yeah, they are. And that's what, because they keep saying, hey, man, you ready? I'm like, I was fucking ready when you asked me the first time. Who are you doing it with? The only time I wasn't ready, and enough the goddamn special was called they ready goddamn no I'm not right now because that's when Tiffany called and said yo doing this day ready special come on get on because because she said these guys been around but at that point we had been sitting still dude I had you know I was driving for Grubhub. You know, just... This was during COVID?

During COVID. And I was in Amsterdam because David gave me a shout-out on the Mark Twain Award, and things just started popping. Things started popping, man. And I was over there, and Amsterdam was a guy named James Alcher.

I was doing Caroline's. I mean, you know, boom just killing it and That I came back. I came back on a Sunday shit closed down. I think that Monday over there then that weekend I went to Minneapolis and then that so that was my last gig before that and I just jumped right on and start working with Grub hub and I forgot the point I was making Joe well you're talking about they ready oh yeah they ready so so it's it's like and then she called me up like boom I'm like ain't that ready you know I'm not I'm not that I wasn't not that ready I had gotten so comfortable.

Like, imagine in over 30 years, that was the first time I slept in the same bed for more than, fuck, 10 days. Wow. Yeah, for more than 10 days. It was like three months I slept in the exact same bed. No matter where I went and snuck around and did some little dirty COVID shows, I still came back to the same house and washed my hands real vigorously like, hope I don't make y'all sick, but I need these streets. I need these streets. The only time I got nervous if I get the test is when I went to Yellow Springs.

Dave's like, yeah, man, once you're to your AMA, you got to do this. And that night, went to this little shit in D.C. in the alley. Like, shh, everybody come on in. Don't say nothing. Lock the door. Doing comedy in there. Everybody's inside. You can't smoke outside.

You smoke outside. Somebody's going to see, hey, what's going on over there. So we locked the door. It was like a little peephole. And then the next day, they flew us out to Yellow Springs. And I'm like, and, you know, they give you the little, like, now if you test positive, you know, don't take your shit out the car because it's going to take you right back to the jet. I was like, fuck.

And everybody was there. Kevin and everybody was there. It was like, damn, man, I'm fucked up. But you didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. Yeah, knock on wood. That was the only time I was worried about it. You think you might have got it in January of 2020, though?

I'm sure I got it in January. I got it in January at a New Year's Eve party in D.C. Yeah. And I made myself well because I had Carolines. For the first time in years. Oh, yeah, in years. You know. Sure. You remember Carolines. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In years. You know. Sure.

You remember Caroline's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So I was there one time. I was hanging out with one of the guys who worked there. And we drinking

because it was snowing. A big snowstorm. Snowing. And Rock was going to be there that night. But I stopped by like around 4 in the afternoon because I ain't got no show.

After that, I was going to get on the train and go down to the Boston Comedy Con. So my man came in. He's handicapped. You know, I ain't going to say his name, but he's a very good friend of mine from Philadelphia.

How many more hands you need? Anyway, he fell. That's not the funny part. He fell down the steps. Yeah, like in Eddie Murphy. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Oh, I'm halfway down. Boom, like an Eddie Murphy boom boom boom boom I'm halfway down boom boom boom boom and you know that landing at Caroline's yeah BAM I know and like you like but when we go oh when he said that you like you

like man I thought you did but he only had a cut over his eye and we have been drinking they drink and I don't day drink man you know sometimes you say shit you shouldn't say right you don't say fuck that shit i sue carolines why are you sitting oh no he's sitting in carolines drinking free liquor and eating free food you don't say yeah fuck that if i was you motherfucker i would sue like yeah that was that was why not that's when i get drunk you have to spell my name backwards he don't know how to act man i'm like tony didn't say that tony's a nice guy i never say that but that fucking why not why not say that and then nobody ever said

anything except for barry barry said uh well why would you say something like that, man? Barry Katz? Yeah, why would you say something like that, man? I'm like, I wouldn't. I mean, that's what people say. That's what people say in the black neighborhood. Like, you see black people jaywalk, and they go, I wish that motherfucker would hit me.

No, you don't. You don't wish he would hit you, but that's just some shit we say. Yeah. Shit talking. Yeah, shit talking But that's just some shit we say Yeah Shit talking Yeah shit talking I was just talking shit Yeah Normal Normal shit

Wasn't working at Caroline's no more though That was it? That was it Until Dave gave me a shout out Oh really? Yeah They cut you off from that? Nobody ever cut me off

It just Just never happened again We don't have any more fails. So when Dave gave you the shout out on the Mark Twain Award, did that open up a lot of doors for you?

Yeah, it did. That's beautiful. I was just telling you, I was getting it. We was kicking it. And then the COVID shit happened. And then Tiffany, you know,

and Wiz, it's a good thing I had a fan base because people was like, we saw you and it was good. Listen, we know you're funny. What the fuck?

That ain't the compliment I want. Right, right, right. You're like, yeah, we know you're funny. Those other people just didn't get it. But it was, first of all, it was outdoors and there was a low-hanging fog, so it made it like a theater. The first night I wasn't getting it all, but the second night,

and it was kind of, I put a whole bunch of different little sets together. Yeah. But to get back to your special, I don't know. Who is producing your special? David. David Chappelle.

Oh, David's doing Earthquake too. Yeah, he's a local comedian from Washington, D.C. area. David. David Chappelle. Oh, David's doing it. Dave's doing Earthquake, too. Yeah, he's a local comedian from Washington, D.C. area. Oh, David Chappelle? Dave Chappelle. I'm wearing him. So I love that Dave's doing yours, and he's doing Earthquake, too. And Donnell's, too. And he's doing Donnell's.

Beautiful. Donnell and Quake have already done it. Yes. Yeah. So is yours going to be for Netflix? Do you know what it's going to be for? I don't know. I better...

I've never met a man as good as you at comedy that's so fucking casual about his career. It's hilarious. Yeah, man, you can't be tripping out about shit. Oh, I know, but you take it to another level. You can't be tripping out about shit to as far as it can can go yeah like i can't even see him what is he doing out there he's uh you can't be tripping out about shit but he's just doing it a hundred miles away well as i drive down the road of life joe yes sometimes i say god just give me a sign

and then it'll be a yellow light and i go i can make it yeah it's um it's a funny thing like there's there's these guys that we all know that are like these legendary comedians that uh all the comedians respect all the comics love but for whatever reason they don't get the same amount of appreciation from, you know, whether it's from Netflix or from whatever. They just, you know, and that's you. You're one of those guys. That's one of the reasons why we brought you up so many times on the podcast. I noticed something some years ago. It was in town for the Def Jam tapings.

And, like, people kept coming by to go, hey, up y'all comedians yo man you funny oh man you crazy and then people always take a pause they go man I love you man nobody ever say that I'm funny they just go I love you man like that like you know and then sometimes like people leave the show and they go you know i don't even like comedy but uh yeah he was good i don't even like comedy what do you say to those people i just go why why don't you like comedy i just go thanks you know like like a lot of times go i only came because she told me to come. Okay. You enjoy yourself, motherfucker?

Well, some people, they're reluctant to give you compliments. Yeah. But very seldom do I hear funny. It's usually, I love you, man. It's just, you know, oh, my God, I love you. Like that. It's never like, you are so fucking funny. No, it's just. It's like calm so you don't even have a good time schedule for when you're gonna do your

special I'm assuming it's gonna be on Netflix hurry up cuz motherfuckers is dying like dogs yeah it's kind of I turn around, somebody dies. Yeah. That was kind of depressing, wasn't it? That is true. Yeah. Well, as we get older, that's just the fact of the life we're living. You know, I was on the phone when you got in here with Joey Diaz, who just caught COVID. He's fine. He's all good.

We got him vitamin drips and monoclonal antibodies. He lives here in New York? No, Joey's in New Jersey now. He's living in New Jersey. He's the king of New Jersey. I went to visit him down there. Went to a restaurant. Everybody knows him. It was hilarious. I was like, damn it, he's never leaving New Jersey. Because I wanted him to come to Austin, but as soon as I saw him in New Jersey, I was like, all right, I get it. I get it. This is his spot. He belongs there. I'll just fly him out occasionally.

Mike Robles was sick, I too oh yeah I think he was I saw it on Facebook how's he doing now it's doing good when I first moved New York that's the first TV spot I did oh really okay loco oh no okay Mike Robles was on the Spanish Channel and at the time my dad lived up in Washington Heights he still lives in Washington Heights, like up 200th and Broadway, way up there. And one night I go to the bodega, and the little Dominican lady, she said, and she's having her grandson is laughing like shit and telling me, he said, Yao, she saw you on television, and she said she's so proud of you.

She says because she could tell you was having problems with your English, but you stuck with it and showed them that you could do it in English. You're like, bitch, that's the only thing I speak. But she was like, you know, I saw you having some problems. You kind of slowed down a couple times. That's hilarious. Yeah, he was like. That's hilarious.

Her grandson was like, yo. Because he knew who I was. He'd see me. As a matter of fact, he used to call me Kehorois. That's how you say it. What time is it? Yeah. So when I would be going to an audition or something in the morning,

walking to the train, I noticed people used to always go, Kehoro Ace. And I'd go, yeah, what's up? Tony. I thought they'd see me. I thought they'd see me on Def Jam. I just knew whatever they were saying was a fucking question. Right, right.

I don't know. Because they go, and I go, and then they do like this. They point at the watch and I go, oh, it's such and such a time. But I didn't put two and two together. Right.

They were asking me. What time is it? What time? I didn't put two and two together. Right. They were asking me. What time is it? What time?

Yeah, it's all good. So this thing with Dave, you don't, like, because Earthquake is wondering when his is coming out, too. Well, he did. He did his already. Yeah, he did his. But he doesn't know. He doesn't exactly know when it's coming out. But, man, it's hard. Like, because, you know, Dave said, hey, man, whenever you're ready.

I'm like, yeah, yeah, I'm ready. And then he said, just let me know. I'm like, I'm letting you know. Let's go. Right. But, I mean, you know, every time you turn around, man, dude's chasing him with dresses on, all kinds of shit going on. Tie up your shoes, son.

You in a drag race. Run, Dave, run. That's hilarious. That shit's died down, though. Yeah. They're leaving him alone now. You're just realizing how many of the people that are upset at him didn't even watch the special. Yeah.

They watched the special, and you still are angry at him, and you missed the point. The same. We was somewhere man it's me i was on on the road with louis ck so i go outside the comedy club some people out there having a silent protest and i'm like yo what's up what's going on and the girl says there's a comedian in there and he's performing and um he's really uh he's racist he's name all of the shit that they said he is sexist transphobic

yeah homophobic I'm like what? and she had said all this shit I'm gonna say he racist too? and she was like

I said well fuck that give me a sign right and she and she was like she was like no no no we're having a silent protest

I'm like nah fuck that I said that's his picture right there? I'm going to fuck him up. Now, I don't have to stand in line. I cut right through the line and go in the back. I forgot to close. Where is it? It's somewhere, man.

But it's like they got a back room with karaoke. Like, you walk through the back. I go in the back. I forgot about that. I was fucking with that girl. I didn't think that was going to happen. So I'm back there. And then, boom. She comes fucking with that girl. I didn't think that was going to happen. So I'm back there and then boom.

She comes in with the police and shit and she's like you know she wanted to go that's him but she was like. Right to you? No to the policeman. To the policeman. Oh okay. Because we all sitting in the back. Right. You know just talking about whatever. It's me, Lynn Coplitz and we all just sitting there and the girl you know because the about whatever it's me uh lynn coplitz and we are just sitting

there and and the girl you know because the girl and the policeman and the and the manager the owner of the club come in because they thought that you were going back there to fuck up the comedian fuck up louis yeah right because because she saw me i dipped all over your back so she called the police she didn't call the police was right there so she got the police and she says i think that guy's going back to do something to the community. To fuck up Louis CK. Yeah So when she come in and she see me first she's like That's the motherfucker right there! That's the motherfucker right there!

And what happened? And I'm like yo what's up shorty? She was like I'm like yeah I got that like that was just joking around right and then

yeah and then she ended up she didn't know what Louie had done she took pictures they gave her a t-shirt for the club took a picture with Louie

in the green room and all that stuff she took a picture with Louie yes she was just there because her some girl from her college said

yeah let's go do this let's go protest that's the thing man it's like so many of the people they haven't even thought it through they don't even know what he did I didn't know what he did if you were in the room with Louie when he jerked off and he said can I jerk off in front of you

and you said yes I guess you got an argument that maybe you shouldn't have been asked that question because it puts you in an uncomfortable situation. Remember that joke that Kevin Brennan used to have about consent? No, I don't know the joke. He says on the college campus, you meet a girl, go, can I kiss you? Yeah, she can kiss me. Can we make out? Can we do this? She says, so it college campus, you meet a girl, go, can I kiss you? Yeah, she can kiss me. Can I make out?

Can we do this? She says, so it gets hot and heavy. So they're having sex. He says, boom, can I do it, dog? She says, yeah, yeah. And then he says, can I stick it in your ass? He says, can I stick it in your butt? She goes, what?

He goes, do they sell chicken fingers at Pizza Hut? do they sell chicken fingers at Pizza Hut? It was a long, Kevin used to, it was a funny joke. You know how it is. Right. He goes,

and like, cause everything, she's, everything, she's down for everything and then he goes, you know, can I,

can I stick it in your butt? What? Cause, did you know, do they sell chicken fingers at Pizza Hut so it was like that consent shit

it's funnier when Kevin do it it's a timing thing yeah my bad but that when you were opening for Louis so that was after the controversy that was after the controversy

it was like we started doing shows again we went to Portugal together oh yeah Portugal we went to Portugal and then we went to Portugal together. Oh, yeah? Portugal? We went to Portugal and then we went to... What is it like

doing comedy in Portugal? It was dope. Guess who I hung out with? Who? The fucking wizard. Is he the mayor or the governor on Queen of the South? Queen of the South?

What is that? It's a Netflix thing. Oh, I don't know that. Okay. What is Queen of the South? It's like the biggest one, and he plays... He's the third lead character. Oh, I've never heard of the show.

Have you heard of Queen of the South? No. There's so many shows, though. Here we go. This is it right here. Which guy did you hang out with? Okay. I never even heard of this fucking show. You never? Okay. From 2016. How is he not on the first role? Maybe he lied.

No, he's like, that's him right there. Which one? Right there. Go back. The second one. That guy. That guy right there? Yeah, he lives in Portugal.

How do you say his name? I don't know. Joaquim de Almeida. Right? Joaquim de Almeida? Yeah. That guy? So he lives in Portugal?

He lives in Portugal it is in Portugal how the fuck is there a show that has been going on since 2016 I'm just hearing about now man it's like one of the hottest shows that's the thing there's so many this guy this is my man let me scroll back down once you see this guy which guy you hate him? Oh, yeah? Yes, I did. Oh, that's right. That guy was in Apocalypto.

Oh, yeah, he was amazing. Oh, he was amazing. Where is he in Apocalypto? How do you say his name? Gerardo Tarasena? That guy was guy was bad motherfucker okay oh yeah I like the part we go he jumped off the water for Asia he said hey my grandfather hunted in this forest my father hunted his boss and my son and my son sons were hunting this forest fuck you and they said fuck you. And they jumped off the waterfall, too.

They said, you don't remember that? I do remember that. Okay, that was a good point. That movie was amazing. That was, man. It was a wild-ass fucking movie. That was a dope movie. Apocalypse.

That guy, he was a fucking asshole. He was an asshole? Yeah, he's in Queen of the South, too. He was the main, he was the, that. You mean he's an asshole on the show? No. Yeah, on that show, too. On Queen of the South, too.

He's that guy's henchman. The guy who I hung out with in Portugal, he's that guy's henchman. What is Queen of the South about? Cocaine. Oh. And it's on the cartel level. Oh, okay. Basically, they're big drug dealers who buy it straight from the

cartel mm-hmm so like how how Pablo Escobar was the cartel right they're buying from so they would buy it from Pablo and then just yes yeah yeah they get their hands dirty oh I'm sure and um well oh yeah then after that we went to Brussels no went to Paris went to Paris then what is like doing stand-up in Paris snobby but it was good they they it's yeah they were good Paris is good. Because Louis' girlfriend lives there. Right. His girlfriend's like one of... She's like Ellen.

Of Paris. I guess. Yeah. I'm assuming. Yeah, she's nice. She's like a real big comedian over there. Yeah, and his new special. I watched his new special, Sorry.

It's very good. His new one, it's funny. Very funny. He's funny. It's interesting. It's getting mixed reviews, but I think it's just because people new one it's funny very funny it's interesting it's getting mixed reviews but i think it's just because people want to hate him that the people that are louis ck fans will love it would love yeah i i was at the cellar one night not the big cellar the um the underground he's popped in and i can see the look on the audience's face. He did 20 minutes on the pros of suicide. And I was like, you can't do this around motherfuckers

who weak and drunk, man. You know what I'm saying? Because there was a lot of people going, yeah. I see his point. I see his point. Hey, motherfucker, stop talking, man. Somebody going to kill themselves in here, Louie. So, yeah.

Well, he's always been one of the most prolific guys. Like, he used to put out a special every year, which I think is too much. I think every couple years, I think you want to give the material time to cook. If you're doing a new special every year, generally speaking, I feel like it could use a little bit more time. With mine, you'll see a car, car and you go it's a nice car you see it next year it's it's got rims little tenant is this then you see it again it's fucking been elevated that yeah yeah you said that's the same car but wow look at all the shit

you don't put on it yeah exactly that's how all jokes are it's like bits some of them though come out right out of the box they're perfect boom yeah it's rare but some of them do some of them come out right out of the box you don't have to do shit with them but most of them it takes time it takes a little time to get it right get it tuned in i i have jokes that uh say, 20, 30 years in the making. Yeah. It's because it's from different parts of my life. Like, the first time I did Deaf Comedy Jam and I did the thing, I said where the lady sneezed and a booger hit me.

And the booger was on me, and then I said the transit cop said, hey, did you hit that lady? And I'm like, man, she put a booger on me. And then he says, I'm going to kick your ass. And I said, well, did you hit that lady? I'm like, man, she put a book on me. And then he says, I'm going to kick your ass. And I say, well, I was about to run. Not because I was afraid, but he was handicapped. And everybody go, oh. He wasn't like in a wheelchair.

He just had like a little arm. And I do this whole fight thing. We fight. And he hits me with the little arm. and he hits me with the little arm. So that shit happened in the sixth grade because this guy said

that I was messing with his sister. Like, but, you know, it's like, you know, sixth grade love taps. They was jumping double dutch and I knocked the rope down. What little boys do

when they like girls? But one of his friends liked her so he said yeah he was messing with your sister and so my man came over with his boys and he like this he said yeah man i heard you my sister i'm like come on son you don't want this you know what i'm saying come on you don't want this because he had the little arm like you don't want this so you know how the kids get around like oh and we squaring up and i'm i'm doing my thing you know and i you know and and and man he next thing i know he you know he had his arm around him we're kind of struggling and he went fuck it just echoed like or like a hollow coconut when he cuz he hit me with the baby arm yeah so it

was a big joke maybe that's why things ain't working out it's just the kid it's hard to explain a bit without doing a bit yeah so yeah so say a bit like that. That little arm thing happened in sixth grade, whereas the nose thing happened. It did happen on the subway, but it didn't happen to me. But it was a lady, and it looked kind of crusty right here. Right. And I remember she went, she sneezed like that. And then a booger just went, like no one saw but me.

It went right on the guy next to her. And then she like did that in a bubble. Like where the snot was popped out of there. So I just... Added it to the bit. I twisted it all around. I'm like, but look at that. That shit was 20 years in the making.

So when you were in France, they understand English? Yeah. So do they laugh at everything? No, they don't laugh at everything. So the sense of humor is different? No, it's just with me, I think I have an easier time because I speak slowly and deliberately. Yeah. And I don't rush.

And I don't make it too American, you know? Like, I know when I've crossed the bridge, you know what I'm saying? Like, when I left Manhattan into, you know, like, I remember speaking to Reggie McFadden the first time he came to D.C., first time I saw him in D.C., and he's up there telling jokes about the subway. Nobody. Right. Yeah, there wasn't any.

And, you know, nobody goes to, you know, he's like, everyone rides the subway. Nobody. Right. Yeah, there wasn't. And, you know, nobody goes to, you know, he's like, everyone rides the train. Yeah, everybody who lives in New York rides the train. Yeah. And so, like,

it was, I'd say the easiest country where people speak another language is the Netherlands. Because, you know, Dutch is English, French, and German mixed together. But Paris, that's what Dutch is English, French, and German

mixed together but Paris that's what Dutch is? yeah it's English, French, and German really? yeah that's a combination of three languages?

three languages because you hear them they go okay perfect you're like what? I understood that last part yeah so they they saw all that together

and um but how did Louis do in France? Louis killed. Did he understand him totally? Yeah, he killed. Because it was more of like what you saw Mike Tyson do. Like, it's just a soliloquy. Instead of just joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke.

You know, some valid points, some funny nuances. You do, broop, boom, boom. And here's a little about me. Ah. You know what I'm saying? And so when he's up there, like, he's doing like an hour? Yeah. And is this in a theater? Like, what kind of, do they have comedy? Yeah. And is this in a theater?

Like, what kind of, do they have comedy clubs up there? Yeah, it was a small theater. As a matter of fact, I think it was called the American Theater. Yeah, it was, let me see. I would say the spot held, like, about 200, 300, about 200. Because here's the stage, and here are the people, like, kind of almost like Like a coliseum

Like Right What's that shit called With a With a doo-doo fly in your food Doo-doo flies in your food What Medieval times

Oh It's that shit You ever been there Oh you mean like horse shit Yeah Cause there's horses running around Yeah And everybody's eating and drinking them

and the fucking the the air is just full of horse shit yeah and i'm like i'm not no not smart yeah i'm not you can get pizza and hot dogs and pretzels and and they're jousting and they're jousting and shit is flying around not interested in that that. Nah. So what other countries did you guys do when you were on the tour? You did Portugal, you did France. Portugal, France, Belgium, and then we went to Rotterdam. You got to go to that club in Rotterdam.

Yeah? Did you ever do the thing in Rotterdam? I've never been to the Netherlands. You got to go. They speak English very well. Yeah? Yeah. Especially in the big cities, like in Amsterdam and in Rotterdam and stuff like that.

Yeah. You know, what's his name? Tom Rhodes is always over there. As a matter of fact, he married a woman from there. Well, Tom Rhodes used to have a show over there. He used to do like a talk show. Oh. And it's like it had a different name to it.

It's like it wasn't Tom Rhodes. He was playing a different name. I forget what it was called, but it was like Tom Rhodes was the host, but it wasn't the Tom Rhodes Show. It was like it had another name. Yeah, he lived there for a while. He was like a star over there yeah he lived there for a while he was like a star over there and the late night

like talk show thing was like the format was a lot much more relaxed much more you could say

a lot more you could talk about more shit over there the first the first time I went it was me

Tony Rock me Tony Rock Godfrey and Teddy Smith and I just remember us watching television Tony Rock, me, Tony Rock, Godfrey, and Teddy Smith. And I just remember us watching television. It wasn't cable

or no shit like that. It was like condom commercials and it'd be two guys. And then like you see, like what they're doing now in America, you see a family,

the dad be black, the mom be white, the little kids be beige and shit. I'm like, what? Because they just wasn't doing that here in America. Now it's all over the place. It's like, wow. I'm like, what? Because they just wasn't doing that here in America. Now it's all over the place.

We're like, wow. It's like, these people are progressive, and they're very tall. They're big people, right? Here it is. The Kevin Masters Show starring Tom Rhodes. Yeah. It's like they just had a show from 2002 to 2004

in the Netherlands. Is that his wife right there sitting there? I don't know. I don't know who that is. Just somebody I was interviewing. Just a guest. As a matter of fact, the first time we went, it's because Esty fired me.

From the cellar? Yeah, I got there late. I'm always late. I got there a little late, and Esty said, I can't take it. No, no, Tony. I can't take it no more. I'm like, but I'm here now because the show's running behind.

I'm still here for my spot. She said, well, yeah, the show's running behind because we had to stall because she wasn't here. And then Gotham called. She said, we need somebody right now. That's when they had the, what was it, 21st? Mm-hmm. She says, we need somebody right now. I turn around to walk up the stairs.

These guys are like, yo, I know this guy. He's speaking in Dutch and everything. Say, where are you going? I said, I'm going to Gotham. So they go up to Gotham. And the guy who was the host of the show, he goes, listen, everybody in Suriname loves you. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Suriname? Yeah. He's saying this. I just figured this motherfucker had an accent and was mispronouncing Vietnam. Because if you see him, he look like he could be Blasian. You know, he look like he could be, so maybe his dad was over in Vietnam.

He said, man, everybody in Suriname loves you. So then they say, yeah, we're gonna bring you. And then one guy would say, have you ever been to the Netherlands before? And the other guy would say, you're going to love Holland. Right, and I'm like, okay, where are you motherfuckers from? It's all in the same spot.

And then they called me up to do the show. We started going over there to do the show. So that's when you started going on tour over in other countries? No, that's when I started

going to Holland. That was for the Comedy Factory. All of us did that, like Patrice, Rich Falls. They used to bring us over there and do that show and ride a damn. That was dope. We all ride bicycles.

And everybody think that you go over there and do decadent shit like prostitutes. You go see the prostitutes and take pictures. That's just it. Because, I mean, would you walk into a glass booth and with everybody looking? It would be sad. Yeah, Jesus. Just calling to your room listen so

because it's legal all that stuff and then they got the weed and the mushrooms and the space cake and yeah i think they uh they they're backing off of some of that stuff over there because so many people go over there and get too up especially on edibles yeah yeah i mean they just don't know what they... I lost my mind on edibles the last time I was there. Well, if you don't know what you're doing, you eat too much. It was the guy...

Space cakes? Yeah, cake, yeah. And I get one little piece. Yeah, that's all you need. And it was like fucking 12 noon. I'm riding my bicycle, go get something to eat. I get ready, do the show that night, catch a train to go do the show, come back,

and then I'm in the room and I'm laying down. I guess that's when that shit kicked in. Because I'm like, hey, man, my feet long. Like, it's... I was laying in the bed, but my feet kept going... Stretching out. I'm like, whoa. And it was a good thing I was on the phone,

because I was like, I. And it was a good thing I was on the phone because I was like, I don't know something wrong. So then I called downstairs and said, hey, man, somebody keep trying to get in my room. Because what would happen is they had the little Ziploc thing on the door. It's not a chain. It's like a zip thing. Okay.

So when I was going to go downstairs to complain that my bed was making my feet long, I was opening the door and it goes zzzz. And then I go, shut it back. That's when I called and said, yo, man, somebody's trying to break in my goddamn room. And I was on the phone

and she says, I'll call the Marriott and ask them to. So my man comes to me and the Marriott and ask them. So my man comes to me and he goes, Mr. Woods. I'm like, what's up? And then I open the door. He goes, you have to. I'm like, oh, yeah.

Take that off me. He comes in and goes, are you okay? I'm like, yeah, I'm good. Why? He goes, someone called and said that you're having a problem with your feet. I'm like, yeah, I'm good. Why? He goes, someone called and said that you're having a problem with your feet. I'm like, no. Listen, somebody's trying to get in my room. Then he says, have you had anything?

Have you indulged yourself? He says, you're not going back out tonight. I'm like, no. He says, they gave me some water. He says, drink this water. And he went into the mini bar and gave me some candy. He said, eat that. He says, there's no charge. me some water drink this water and he went into the mini bar and gave me some candy he said eat that he says there's no charge just you know it would be it would be nice if you did if you did

not go out tonight mr woods i'm like i'm i i'm good and then of course they went back downstairs and of course i called him back because somebody was still trying to get in my room so did you go on stage that night no i'd already been on stage the fucking day was over i had done that at 12 noon oh wow yeah and i'm like what if that shit had kicked in when i was out in the street man because you know bicycles are like rush hour it's like beijing over there the bicycles and like you, you know, yeah. And that was one little corner. And the kid who gave it to me, it was another comedian's son. He was like 30.

But anyway, he says, yo, that space cake was horrible. It was the worst. It was this. I'm like, bitch, I lost my mind last night. You know what I'm saying? Those people with tolerance, man. Yeah. People that have too much tolerance for marijuana, they'll fucking ruin it for you.

Like Joey Diaz. tolerance yeah because i don't have too much tolerance for marijuana they'll fucking ruin it for you like joey diaz joey diaz can put that shit away i've been on planes with him before he's eaten like 200 milligram stars of death throwing two three down his throat at the same time wow i know it's hard to believe but i've seen it i borrowed my son's car i drove his car and and he always he's always loved gummy bears i just had you know while i'm driving just and then i went to go get some uh went to go something done at kinko's get something copied or something like that

and the lady says what do you what is what do you want us to do i'm like i don't know how to work this machine she says okay you put your card in you press start press I'm like I still don't know how to work this machine did you know that the gummy bears were I did not fucking know but I was like I figured it out after it's not you know how many did you have it's like a small bag of them. I ain't holding a motherfucker. He owes me. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, come on, one bag of candy, all the bags of candy I done bought you, boy.

That's good, man. So do you have an idea where you want to do your special? Nope. I wanted to do it at Super Funny. What's it called? Nate Jackson's Supper Funny Club in Tacoma. Oh, okay. You know him?

No, no. I've never been. The only thing I've done in Tacoma, I did a show with Dave out there. Nate Jackson, he plays Junkyard Dog on Young Rock, the TV show. Okay. On the Young Rock TV show. He plays. And I just like his club.

And I like that what do I call it? The Dead Crow. I like the Dead Crow and I like the Comedy Works. Trying to think of what other clubs. You know, these are clubs that I just feel good in. So when you do,

if you do a special at a club, how many shows do you want to film? Do you want to film two, four? What do you want to do? That's what Dave was saying. Yeah, I like four. How many do you want to film? Do you want to film two, four? What do you want to do? That's what Dave was saying. Yeah, I like four. How many do you want to do? I just like to do one and go, I like that one. Yeah, but...

I know you're not supposed to do that, I heard. Well, it's just, there's a lot of pressure. I know. Sometimes you have a lot of pressure. Yeah, the pressure is when the execs go, so, have you prepared your set yet? Oh, they want to go over your material. Oh, that's the idea for Tiffany.

That's the worst. For the Tiffany thing. They said that they wanted it typed out. Oh, God. So they want to go over your material. I just got some old shit, and this woman, as a matter of fact,

the woman from my podcast, Maya, that's what she does. Like in court or whatever. Stenographer. Yeah. So she just transcribes the set. And then so when we did the thing, you know, one of the people, she was like, oh, so you changed it around.

Well, I changed what around? She's like, cause you didn't do the bit about this. I'm like, oh, yeah, I haven't done that shit in 20 years. So you wrote out the set, but you wrote it out totally different. I didn't give a fuck. I just said it. Because they kept pressuring me, like, yo, send us a COVID test and send us the thing. So I sent them the COVID test.

And they was like, OK, we want the transcript. I'm like, mm. transcript i sent him the covert test and he's like okay we wanted the transcript i'm like i uh gave money back once well i canceled a special once because i was on the phone with these executives and we're going over material and they're like well this has to change you can't say this like that we can't say this and i was like we're good i go we're done i quit i go i'm not doing it i go i i'm gonna do it somewhere else I'll do it on my own. I'll do there's no way I'm doing this special I'm like this is we can't do this You can't tell me what I can and can't say when I when I did the Comedy Central special the half house special

There's a part when I say I went to acid I smoke weed and I stepped into the television and I went to Africa Right and they like bun your money money I smoked weed and I stepped into the television and I went to Africa, right? And they were like, . They were doing this. And I say, these ain't hands. You know what I'm saying? And I forgot, and I think the guy's like, maybe we should go with boobies.

Boobies? Something about boobies. So instead of- It's because I say titties. I say titties in a similar way. He said, maybe we should go with boobies. something about boobies so instead of because i said titties i say titties in this same way he said maybe we should go with boobies oh jesus yeah and i was like i say um i said how long you been doing comedy he said no i don't i'm just i'm just the i forgot his title for comedy so exactly whatever yeah yeah i said all right and then so boom that went through all

the little bullet points of what i was going to do and all that shit. Of course I didn't do it. And then at the end they go, well, you didn't do it. I'm like, oh, man, I forgot. You should have gave me that list and shit. It's the worst is when they try to give you an alternative word. And you don't understand. You don't even understand funny.

And plus, he like, man. word and you understand you don't even understand funny like every time I watch one of these shows somebody gets a check for editing yeah well put that motherfucker to work cuz I'm gonna say what I'm gonna say that's hilarious fuck is he doing here if you telling're telling me what to say, look. Fuck out of here. Go to the editing room, man. Hey, you fired, motherfucker, because I got to do my own editing. Get out of here.

So you literally don't know when you're doing it. You don't know where you're doing it. And Dave said, just call me when you're ready. I feel like I have to step in and help. Come on in, man. I'm ready. I feel like I have to call Dave and help come on in man I feel like I have to call Dave and go Dave I was talking to Tony and we gotta work this out we gotta make this happen

people say that we remind each other of each other a little bit a little but I think you definitely influence his style but I don't mean the comedy way I mean just kind of in the personality I watched the podcast he sat just kind of in the personality. Relaxed.

Because I watched the podcast. And he sat up in here in the podcast with you. And he said, listen, we're going to have to do this for real. I'm going to come back and we're going to do it for real. And I'm like, you just did it. Yeah. You just did it. He's like, yeah, I'm going to come back and we're going to do it.

Well, you know, we'll probably do it on such and such time. You like, all right, yeah, cool. Like, you were like, we got it, we good. Well, there's that, that's the thing with Dave. Like, he's, he marches to the beat of his own drummer. You know? Like, if he- Yeah, well see, I'm 10 years old and back, they got like a lot of different titles

for people who march to the beat of their drum and they got all kinds of different titles for people who march to beat their drum, and they got all kinds of stuff like that. Back then, they used to say, oh, he's Simple. So they called me Simple. Simple was before people used good words like autistic and stuff. Because the first time I heard somebody say autistic, because the little boy was jumping on the couch with his fucking snow boots on and his father goes hey don't don't yell at

him because he's he's autistic i'm like i don't give a fuck if he can paint i'm just saying son tell picasso to get off my couch but that's because i did i didn't know what it meant i know what it meant yeah i'm not a bad person to everybody, but I guess a lot of people can say, maybe karma's keeping you from that special. No. No, it feels like you just need someone to corral you. Yeah.

Point you in the right direction. Yeah. Because once you're up there, once you're on stage, you're a bad motherfucker. No doubt. No doubt about it. 100%. I feel like if someone just points

a camera at you for five shows one of them is gonna be A plus I think it would be better if nobody told me the cameras are there that's it

yes I think if these motherfuckers hide the cameras and then they would say something like okay see that right there that's the camera

and I would go don't look at the camera and say don't worry Tony that's the camera and see that over there that's the camera and I'll go don't look at the camera and say don't worry Tony that's the camera and see that over there that's the camera boom but the camera's

really somewhere else right boom yeah and then I would just go well the thing is about when you do five shows it's like you just get used

to the fact that the cameras or four shows you'll get used to the fact there's a camera on you and it won't mean anything to you yeah I never yeah well the cameras never mean nothing

especially when they be going three two one no I'm talking especially when they be going, three, two, one. No, I'm talking about when they telling me to wrap up. Oh, that. And they go, and they go. And they got the red light that's blinking on top of the camera. Yeah. I would just go, my bad.

I did 20 minutes on BET's Comic View one time, too. How much time were you supposed to do? I think four to seven minutes. That's Comic View one time too. How much time you were supposed to do? I think four to seven minutes. That was the last one. Well, if you're the last one, what's the big deal? Yeah, that's what I said

to Bruce Bruce. Come on, motherfucker. Last one. He said, well, I ain't the one you got to worry about. Well, then why the fuck you say something to me, dog?

Listen, it's all good because I think it was the end of the series. And they, by the, it already, and then, you know. And I was just up there just going, going. Right. Yeah.

I had drove 17 hours to get to New Orleans. Oh, really? Yeah, because I, because they gave me money to fly down. But I said, fuck that. I'm going to drive. And drove down there and did the thing. And it was good man I'm Bruce Bruce I was hey man you know I guess I guess he's like you know we had

plans we's gonna go I don't know he said but it was produced by Ruby Ray he said why ain't doing to worry about anybody no he was basically you know how one of your siblings might say to you wait till dad gets home

you gonna get it right and then you go am I in trouble with you he goes no I ain't the one you gotta worry about well then

right wait till dad get here yeah let's don't let's let it go it's all good man well whenever your special does come out please let me know so we can let everybody know Yeah. Let's don't. Let's just let it go. It's all good, man. Well, whenever your special does come out, please let me know so we can let everybody know.

I'm doing my special in Austin. Yeah? Why not? That's my name. We're going to call it the Why Not Special. It's a great place. It's a good place to see? Yeah.

There's a lot of great places. Do you have a night? I thought that you would have a night down here somewhere. I do Tuesdays and Wednesdays at the Vulcan Gas Company. Where's that at? It's on 6th Street. Today is Tuesday? Yeah, I do Tuesday night, yeah. Well, yeah, my flight leaves today.

Well, next time. Whenever your special comes out, we'll have you back. Hey, but check it out. Can I plug some shit? Yeah, plug some shit. Oh, I forgot almost, man. Tonywoods. out, we'll have you back. Hey, but check it out. Can I plug some shit? Yeah, plug some shit. Oh, I forgot almost, man. Tonywoods.com? No, I ain't.

You got a website? No, I ain't got a website. You don't have a website? Come on, man. I'm plugging my show. Okay. Plug your show. Come on, man.

On the 30th of December, I'll be at the Arlington Cinema and Draft House. It's called Tony Woods and Friends. The shirt that I gave you. Okay. Tony Woods and Friends. And then, damn, I can't think of the other show. I got some more shows. But this Thursday.

I think they sent them to me. Okay. I think they sent me an email. Hold on. This Thursday, Arlington Cinema and Draft House in Arlington, Virginia. Not Texas. Got it.

and Drafthouse in Arlington, Virginia. Not Texas. Got it. Where's he at? Man, this is... So y'all edit this up? This is going to come out to be like a half hour? No, it's two fucking hours. We're not editing shit.

We've been up here for like four hours. No, it's two hours. We have? Yeah, we've been doing it for two hours. I was having so much fun i didn't know i'm trying to find this email i know they sent me an email asking me to talk about some shit oh jason uh probably yeah okay i got it in front of me okay on december 30th arlington draft house in arlington virginia um january 13th through the 15th Atlanta Comedy Theater in Atlanta, Georgia

January 16th and 17th Hard Knocks Laughs in Las Vegas Where's that? I don't know I don't either It's in Vegas Hard Knocks Laughs Hard Knocks Laughs, Las Vegas

February 11th and 12th Wiley's in Dayton, Ohio And then March 31st to April 2nd, side splitters. But also, wait, I got something in Chicago, too. Oh, yeah? They didn't give you that? No, because he didn't book that.

That's not in the thing. You don't have a website? I don't know. Do you have social media? Yeah, I got it. Yeah, you got an Instagram page, right? Hold up. Does your Instagram page have your dates on it?

You should probably put them up there. Man, you know, because people always talk about they get a blue dot and they say, because you know what I'm saying, man, you got to up your followers. I'm like, I don't need, I don't. How many followers do you have? I don't know. But yeah. I'm going to be at Riddles in Chicago on the January the 7th and 8th.

Okay. Did we already call those dates? We called the other dates. We didn't call that one. I don't have the Riddles in Chicago one. I got the Arlington Draft House one, Atlanta Comedy Theater in Atlanta, Hard Knocks in Vegas, and then Wiley's Dayton, Ohio, inside Spits.

The 7th and 8th is before that. That's right after that. Yeah, I know. For some reason, I don't have that on this list. Yeah, see, that's me, everybody. Okay, we got it now. Tony Woods, you're a bad motherfucker.

No, man. It's great to see you. It's been a long time. It's been a long time. It has been. Without a strong rhyme to step to. I hear you talk with everybody about killing these um caribou and I want to see this I mean the one out

which what is that one that's a deer that's a white-tailed deer oh that this is just that's a gorilla it's a chimpanzee yeah this is a, there's an artist made that for me. Wow. Yeah. You know, I have a bear coat. A bear coat? Yeah. Where'd you get it?

Fairbanks, Alaska. Oh, shit. So it's grizzly bear. It's brown bear. Brown bear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we went to this little outpost place, and it's just a blanket on the wall. Just a, I'm like, what's that? He says, well, people hunt. Get a brown bear. a brown bear yeah and i'm like well how much is that he's like

150 i gave him this is like in the 90s 150 put it in the um put in trash bag came back took it to this place in bethesda maryland I said, can you make this into a coat? Yeah. So they cleaned it because it's fleas. It was nasty shit. And cleaned it up. And I remember I went to Uno's Pizzeria. This is in Chevy Chase, Maryland. I go to Bethesda area. And the guy, he beeps me because this is when it was.

He said, can you come back? I come back and he and like he's like son where'd you get this i'm like i was in alaska i'm a comedian they go son this is someone in danger so they put a line it's beautiful they're not on the endangered species list they were worried they were worried no i'm gonna show you my coat, man. I'm sure. See, because it seems like everything I say on your Joe Rogan podcast, people don't believe me. Oh, they don't believe you? That's why. Because somebody told me not to mention mermaids.

Don't mention mermaids? I saw a mermaid. Really? Yeah. When? It's the Shells, Africa. You saw an actual mermaid? That's what it was. It was a swimming person. Really? Yeah. When? In Seychelles, Africa. You saw an actual mermaid? That's what it was.

It was a swimming person. Really? Yeah. How long ago was this? I don't know. Ask Will Silvins. It was... You think there's like a small population of mermaids that are out there?

But anyway, me and this little French boy, and they said, don't swim in the lagoon after dark. Everybody's up at the bar and everybody's, and so everybody's going to go down. Everybody's kind of racing. So me and him go down. Me and him get in the water.

From a distance, you see something coming like a fucking missile, but it's going fast and we both kind of stop. And then it turns and it jumps out of the water and it's maybe at least

10, 12 feet long, man. And it do like this. And it look at both of us and go, whoo. The water was only about this deep. Didn't make a splash or nothing. And then me and him turned the fuck around. We running, ah, ah. And everybody's coming down there laughing, got their drinks in their hand.

We're like, no, fuck that. And the little boy, blah, blah, blah, blahizing to me, saying he has a very vivid imagination. Said, no, bitch, listen. We saw a fish man. And it wasn't like a mermaid. Didn't look feminine at all. Looked like a man. A fucking man.

Really? A fucking dude who said, get the fuck out the pool. Basically, he was like, do you know Aquaman? Yeah. Yeah. He didn't go, hey, get out the water. Did it look like a, like, do you know Aquaman? Yeah. Yeah. He didn't go hanging out in the water. Did he look like a fish person or did he look like

a human being? Came out. Did it have scales? It was kind of dark. Dark like a dolphin? No, but he, he had,

the back of him was fish. The back of him was fish. His head was, was humanoid. Eyes about so big. Then, if you Google it, the lagoons of Seychelles. And I ain't the first person to see some shit

in them waters. And the guy who does the horseback riding, you know, you can ride horses. And he said, how old are you? And I told him, he says, you're from America, right? I'm like, yeah. He says, so at this age, pretty much if you see a turtle, and know, you can ride horses. And he said, how old are you? And I told him, he says, you're from America, right? I'm like, yeah. He says, so at this age, pretty much if you see a turtle, and I tell you that's not a turtle, he says, you know it's a turtle. You're of the age, you know what you saw. He says, people pay a lot of money at this resort.

He says, yeah, it's maybe not a good idea to go around going, I saw a mermaid. And he goes, Mike, he's saying how long his family has been fishing in these waters. He says, and he's heard some things. He says, I've heard some things like what you said. He says, I've never seen what you say you saw. But it's not the first time I heard that. And I said, thank you. But basically he was saying

that if you ask me to co-sign that shit fuck you right you're gonna be crazy by yourself so who told you not to talk about mermaids

nobody told me not to talk about mermaids you said that I just said that oh cause I'm like if y'all don't believe Dakota's bear

you definitely won't believe the mermaid story well I definitely believe Dakota's bear bear. You definitely won't believe the mermaid story. Well, I definitely believe Dakota's a bear. Yeah, I got it from my uncle. It bleeds and all kinds of shit. Tony Woods, thanks for being here, man. Yeah, thank you, man. Let me know when your special comes out.

We'll let everybody know. I'm sure it'll be hilarious. You're going to Google mermaids? I'm trying, man. He's trying. If I found it, I would have brought it up. He's not going to find it. It's in the lagoons around, like, you know,

like how you know how the island is shaped like this, and, like, in the lagoon part. Well, they say they've only discovered 10% of the ocean. Yeah, so. So maybe he's in the other 90. All right, man. All right, Tony Woods, thank you. And on Instagram, you're Tony Woods, right?

Tony Woods with a Z. Oh, really? I think. I don't know. Let me Woods, right? Tony Woods with a Z. Oh, really? I think. I don't know. Let me look. Yeah, Tony Woods with a Z. Tony Woods, yeah. Was there another Tony Woods with an S?

I don't know, but I'm the first Tony Woods in the world. Like, if you Google me, I'm the first Tony Woods ever. Well, you should be. Nah. You should be. All right, brother. Thank you very much for being here, man. Appreciate you.

I'll see you at the Arlington Draft House Thursday. All those places Thursday All those places Chicago Vegas Joe this is the best podcast I've ever done today

Thank you You were great today No this was the best one ever Thank you I thank you man I feel humbled And proud I mean

You know A lot of people say I just kind of Go in the seat of my pants But I actually Was up And ready And prepared I mean, you know, a lot of people say I just kind of go in the seat of my pants. But I actually was up and ready and prepared. Ask anybody. I got here early.

You did. I don't ever do that. Well, it was great to have you here, man. All right, man. Love you, man. Love you too, brother. Happy New Year. Bye, everybody.