The Joe Rogan Experience - #1778 - Joey Diaz

Episode Date: February 17, 2022

Joey Diaz is a stand-up comedian, actor, and host of the podcast "Uncle Joey's Joint."

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Hey! Uncle Joey live in Austin, cocksuckers. So good to see you, man. Great to see you. You look great, man. You look great, too.

Great fucking studio down here. I like the lights. I like the whole cosmic effect. I wish you had more time in town. I want to take you. You look great, man. You look great, too. Great fucking studio down here. I like the lights. I like the whole cosmic effect. I wish you had more time in town. I want to take you around. I got to take you to the, well, I'm going to show you some things. I want to show you some things. I'm going to show you the club. Okay, yeah, I'd like to see the club.

You got a lighter over there? Yeah. Let's get this party started. I haven't smoked since this fucking, I didn't even smoke this morning. Well, that's crazy. That plane took off at, I left the house at 5. I was up at 4. I took some edibles last night with some CBD, so I woke up feeling like a fucking doctor.

New Jersey's all wide open now, right? Wide open. It's legal, like recreational, right? Yeah, and let me tell you something, like, they're waiting on stores? Not really. No? People just opening those motherfuckers. Really? Delivery services that are tremendous. They come to your house, deliver it at whatever time.

When I was in New Orleans, I bought weed on a food truck. Yeah, they have those in New York. Food truck. This lady pulled up in a food truck. She was just selling weed. You figure it out. Pop the top. Any good?

Yes. It was very good. It's upside down. You're upside down. That one. It's a cigar lighter. There you go. There you go cigar lighter. There you go. There you go.

Hey. There you go. We got to open up the fucking podcast with a little fart. It's great to see you, man. It's great to see you, too. Fucking long time from L.A., huh? I know. I know.

You know, the one time that I visited you in New Jersey and we had dinner at El Nido, that fantastic Italian restaurant near your house. I wouldn't move either. I get it. Look, I love New Jersey. New Jersey is like you're close enough to New York, but you're kind of like in the rest of the world. They're regular people, just normal people living their lives. They go to the city. They come back.

They commute. You look at them and you go, how the fuck do you do that every day? Get on a goddamn bus, an hour, an hour back, walk through Times Square. It's a different life. It's a different fucking life. Me, when I moved down there, I knew that my New York days were over with. Because it's an hour to and fro. Right.

And I used to go down there 20 years ago. My buddy Chris Fish still lives down there. And that's how I got introduced to that area. When I was going to move to Jersey, I was going to move to Bergen County. It's going to be close to the city, Fort Lee, my hometown. But after the pandemic, you couldn't find shit.

That Bergen County is where the guy went skiing and he came back from Italy and everybody got fucking Well, that was like somewhere in Westchester, but Bergen someone brought it back remember I would complain to you that the guy went skiing in Italy and he came back that fucking guy He must have been the joy of his fucking neighborhood because the whole neighborhood got it after that He's alive still the dude, but doesn't matter that when everything went down, I just wanted to get out of L.A. When I saw Burbank and what was going on in Burbank, I was like, you know what?

I don't want to raise my daughter here anymore. I wasn't safe. All the parades were being held around the corner from my house. All the fucking violent parades and shit. So I had people walking through my neighborhood breaking into cars and I was like we were dying to get the fuck out anyway like I went to New York in 2016 at the airport my wife asked me why are we even going back she's like why are we going back I can see that you like it here you're having a good time with your friends

and I miss one thing the comedy store yeah miss one thing, the comedy store. Yeah. That's it. But the comedy store, what we were doing there on Tuesday nights and Wednesday nights, that's never going to happen again. Well, if it happens, it'll be happening with a different crew of people. With a different crew of people, absolutely. It can most certainly, I mean, you know, it happened again with us and it happened before us with other guys and girls that had come through.

There's some comics there that are really funny tremendous it's it's still gonna be a great place to go see stand-up it's just uh you know we had a very fun thing going on we really did and there was a the camaraderie that we experienced there was fucking amazing it was really it was very unique it was not just unique in my life as uh you know a friend being that close with people but unique in comedy because like comedy is there's so many bitter comedians there's so many comedians that get upset when other people are doing well that get upset when that guy got a movie why is he getting this fucking movie you know this attitude has always been a part of that community because

it's so insecure such a hard thing to do for a living you know you're you're telling jokes and you're writing them and you're trying to like who am i on stage am i this am i bigger am i smaller am i am i louder than i really am am i more chill than i really am like what do i how do i do this right and everybody is confused and everyone's trying to figure it out. And along the way, some people figure it out faster than you and they take off. You know, some people, they, they fucking, they never make it. There's guys that we've known forever that are funny guys that for whatever reason, they, they never really pieced it together.

It's fucking a hard way to make a living. It's a weird way to make a living. You said it best one time. You said it's the hardest, easiest thing you'll ever do. Because when you're doing it and it's killing, it's easy. But it's fucking hard to get there.

And it never stops. You never stop working. No. You're always thinking of new material. Your gears are always fucking turning. You're always looking for knowledge. Not looking for knowledge, but you're looking for data. You know, to goof on. They said Marlon Brando used to sit in phone booths in New York

and look at people walking by to observe. That's what we have to do. We have to become so we can go up later on and be fucking conduits of what we observed. So it's an interesting, it's a great fucking struggle. I would do it all over again. I don't give a fuck about the bus rides, sleeping on trailways, sleeping in my car.

I fucking had a great time. We got through that. You know, that's why it's so great. If you're still doing that at 50 years old, if you're still, you know, sleeping in your car, that's rough. You know, if you're not, if there's no success at the end, it's like everybody loves a struggle. Yeah, but they like the struggle and then succeed. That's what they really want.

And for some of us, it's just, you know, just too hard. It's just a weird, it's just a fucking weird way to make a living. Ron White's still out there killing it. Ron White went up last night at the Vulcan. Destroyed. Destroyed.

He is the last of the real fucking Mohicans. He's the real deal. He's the real deal. I see him with his white hair. He's a bad motherfucker. And his mustache. And he's not drinking now.

Nope. So he's gotta be lethal on fucking stage. Oh my God, he's lethal. Lethal. If he's not drinking, because he was lethal when he was drinking. He's micro-dosing mushrooms and smoking weed all day. He's an animal.

If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. He's playing golf. I see that. He's eating. Yeah. He eats good. He looks good. He looks healthy when you see him.

He's such a sweet person. He's just such a sweet guy. He a sweet person he's just such a sweet guy he loves everybody he's just such a good guy he's got good tequila too oh yeah that's good that's real that's must be torture on him david lucas is into the tequila is is that him right now that was him a couple days ago playing golf with Cat Williams. No shit. That is Cat Williams. Wow. I wonder where they played. I think here? Vegas.

Oh, Vegas. That makes sense. Yeah, he plays in Vegas all the time. He does like the Mirage. They all stay there for a week, and he just plays golf all the time. He's an animal. He lives a life of leisure, you know? That you're supposed to.

Yeah, he went to Maui for a couple weeks, just hangs out. That's what he's supposed to do. He works hard. Yep. He's that age. He can't hit it like he used to, but he still hits it. Well, I think it's probably a lot easier now that he's not drinking. You know?

It's probably a lot easier. The drinking weighs on you, bro. Oh, yeah. It's fun, though. Oh, yeah. It's fun, though. Oh, yeah. I've had maybe since I last saw you, I had the whiskey with you in the studio. And then I had a couple of fucking maybe two sangrias at Anthony's. And then one night I got really crazy.

I go, let me get an Italian fucking martini. That was my biggest downfall. What's an Italian martini? Oh my God, whiskey, whiskey and more whiskey. And a little bit of fucking anisette. You know. Really? I drank it and my eyes got red.

Like I could feel the heat around my eyes. I couldn't even drink it and that was it. I never drank again, dog. That was it. Well you were never much of a drinker. No, but that whiskey fucking killed me that night. Gave me heartburn. My bones hurt.

It fucked me up, that Italian. It's an Italian martini or an old, oh, an Italian old-fashioned. Oh, Italian old-fashioned. Which old-fashioned already tastes like shoe polish. Like you're already taking yourself into the murky waters with a fucking, you ever drink the martini for the first time, like a dirty martini? Your whole body, like what the fuck is that? I like dirty martinis.

I like all that shit with the olives, you eat like 15 olives afterwards. The thing about old fashions is I don't like putting things in whiskey other than Jack or other than Coke. Like Jack and Coke is okay, I'll have a Jack and Coke, but like other than that, I'm not like a big fan of like whiskey with, I like whiskey by itself. By itself is good.

I like it, I like that, that, ooh, that taste. You know when it hits you and you're like, ooh. I love that. I love that. I like a drink that lets you know you're drinking. You know, like I don't mind a pina colada. I'm not like a, you know, I'm not stuck on my ideas. I like a pina colada.

They're delicious, you know? Some kind of coconut drink, something fancy. But I like a pina colada. They're delicious, you know? Some kind of coconut drink, something fancy, but I like a whiskey. See, but when you drink, it's the sugar that hangs you over. Is that real? Yeah, yeah. Like, when you drink, like, if you go to a fucking, one of those freezy joints where they make the freeze and they

give you a lot of alcohol content, the next day, you get hung over more on the sugar. It's like when you eat an edible. If you eat, like, a gel cap, you're fine, but once you start eating brownies, the next day you wake up, you're like over more on the sugar. It's like when you eat an edible. If you eat like a gel cap, you're fine. But once you start eating brownies, the next day you wake up, you're like, I feel kind of weird. It's that sugar. Well, I do know that I don't normally eat this way. I normally eat pretty clean.

But every now and then, I'll go off the rails. And one time, I had this bacon cheeseburger and a giant milkshake. And I know it was the milkshake because after I ate the milkshake, I had a headache. I had to sit down. I felt like shit. And I'm like, is this just because I'm old? Or is this just when I was younger?

Your shirt's going to catch on fire. When I was younger, I used to have a milkshake, and it never affected me. Or maybe I wasn't aware. Maybe I didn't pay attention to my body as much Maybe it wasn't as tuned in because now if I have if I drink a milkshake now, I'm like, oh What did I do? Like I just feel like I've been defleet like Depleted by 20 30 percent like all my thinking energy my physical energy like if I had to go run

Like I'm fucking doomed. I can't run I'm so tired. I'm just exhausted and that's my body. Just trying to process the sugar So if alcohol does that to you too, you know cuz alcohol it you know, your body does process it like sugar, right? So sugar yeah when you see when people tell you they hungover, ask them what they were drinking. Right. And if they were drinking like that sweet stuff, that's the worst hangover. I think the worst hangover I ever had, honestly, is red wine. Red wine?

Red wine. Fuck me. I drank a gallon of that Julio, the Gallo Brothers, when I was like stolen from Albertson, took that motherfucker to Hudson County Park, and I drank it, throwing bottles of pigeons and shit. I went home that afternoon. I couldn't lift my head off the pillow. Really? For like two days.

It was a horrible hangover. I'm not good with alcohol. I never have been. I tried, but no, I gave up this year. That was it. I did have an ale two Saturdays ago. Yeah. Anthony's, a little fucking cider, whatever you call it.

Hard knock, whatever the fuck they are. Oh, hard cider? Yeah, not bad. Those are good. I used to have those at the store sometimes. Hard ciders. I think that's a British thing, right? Aren't they into that?

Or Irish? Who's into hard cider? Is that Irish folks? What is that? There's certain cultures. It's a Europe thing, right? Somewhere in Europe. They're really into ciders.

I just drink it because it's the easiest. Tastes good. Yeah, it's the easiest. One, just not to be a fucking asshole. Yeah. When you're sitting at a table with a bunch of people drinking fucking old fashions and mimosas. There's times when drinks are almost necessary, like a cold beer sometimes. Cold beer sometimes just feels like it's necessary.

A Heineken. No, a fucking cold Heineken. Oh, yeah. A cold, cold, cold Budweiser in a can. With some stone crabs. Oh. Oh, fucking ice. You know?

We used to go to this place, Chan's Dragon Inn, we used to get fucking zombies with steak on a stick and egg rolls and fucking, oh my God, shrimp toast. I love all that stuff. That's the whole thing. You want to drink beer with a nice pork sandwich. Yeah. An Italian pork sandwich with sausage and peppers and fucking a nice cold, cold Budweiser in a can. That's a place I haven't been to in forever, is Little Italy during the feast. I didn't go last year.

I'm not going to lie to you. I didn't go. I haven't been in decades. 1984, with this guy. Yeah? That's my buddy who came in today, James. That's the last feast I went to in 84. For people who don't know what it's like, you go to

Little Italy in New York and you walk down the street and there's these like carts set up and they got like sausage sandwiches. Sausage and peppers. You know, some of them is sausage with marinara sauce. It's fucking insane. It's all sausage.

Zeppelis. Yes, Zeppelis. Zeppelis, which are fucking probably the worst thing in the world that you could eat. It's bread, sugar. Fried dough. Fried dough, but fucking delicious. It's deep fried dough covered in powdered sugar. And you eat it and you're like, whoa. When I was a kid, there was an Italian deli on 22nd and Central Avenue in Union City, New Jersey.

And I would walk there and get the loaf of bread that was really skinny, the Italian bread that was really skinny. Yeah. I'd get a stick of hotel bar butter, a bag of fucking Zeppoles, and a Coke, 32 ounce. That was my breakfast in the 7th and 8th grade. Wow. I love all that shit. Zeppoles for breakfast, buttered toast. Buttered toast. I used to get buttered bagels. Thates for breakfast, buttered toast. Buttered toast.

I used to get buttered bagels. That was a thing in the East Coast. Buttered bagels. Buttered rolls. Buttered rolls everywhere. That's not a thing out here. No, it's not a thing anywhere. Like you go to get a coffee and they'll sell you a buttered roll.

Right at the gas station in Jersey. Like when you're getting right there at the gas station, they got buttered rolls. Another big thing that I haven't seen this time is, not peanut butter, jelly with cream cheese. Oh, yeah? On a Kaiser roll or something like that. When I was a kid, people used to eat that a lot. I don't like that shit. Remember you go to the diners and they'd have the little stacks of jelly sitting there?

Tremendous. Right next to those little grape ones. Little jukebox machine where you could put money in and you'd press the buttons to get it to go and you'd see the record move over and drop in. They had those. They had those at your little spot where you would sit down at a diner. Remember you had your own little jukebox there? Remember at the last episode of The Sopranos when he's playing with the fucking jukebox and the thing.

That's right. And he puts on Don't Stop Believin'. That's a real thing in the whole New Jersey, New York area. The diner experience. Diner's experience. Has not changed except that they closed at 11. They do? Yeah, now because of COVID, I guess, they closed at 11 in Jersey.

But when we went, like when we got here in August, it took like two weeks to get settled. Then we moved into our house. And like the second week, we went out with a bunch of kids to the Manala Pan Diner, and I had the fucking disco fries. And the kids went fucking nuts. With the French fries, with the mozzarella cheese and the gravy, they went fucking nuts. I was high as fuck.

I just started ordering, and my wife's like, what are are you doing these kids don't know what that is i go watch they started inhaling those things bro within we moved in september 2nd september 3rd i had to go north and when i came back there were two moms in front of my house with four kids that's the name but i'm from Talking to my wife, talking about shit. I pulled up, they're like, how the fuck you doing? I'm like, COVID. I ran in the fucking house. I don't want those people around me.

And now they're like our fucking best friends on the block. I got a great, it's, listen, I remember you calling me going, do you want to go to Austin? I go, listen, bro, I got to be around family. I got to go back and be around family. I've been too far. It's too many years that I've been with it suits you as soon as we got there I was like oh I see where he's the king of New Jersey no it took time the first six months were

kind of rough then I had the knee surgery how is the knee now it sucks dick really listen you know I didn't do the research before the surgery because I had the knee surgery. How is the knee now? It sucks dick. Really? Listen, you know, I didn't do the research before the surgery because, I'll tell you why, if I would have done the research, I would have chickened out. Yeah. I would have read too much into it and got on YouTube and seen the tools they used and shit. The knee is good. It's been 13 months. You know, I'm doing great treadmill work, all that shit, but it's tough to fucking try to do jiu-jitsu it really a day

Somebody hit me with one of those his local dot cheese Whatever the fucking throat when they hit your leg, you know Like when they fucking go to sweep you it hurts you know, and I could feel it just knocked it off the track And this guy's a brown belt that's older, you know, you didn't mean anything. They just knocked it off the track So and what do you do you pop it back in? I just started walking. You know, I walked on it, put some ice on it. And then when I woke up Tuesday morning, it was scary because the scar came back. The scar had disappeared.

And Tuesday morning, the scar came back. It was red again? Yeah, as I was going into the shower. I'm like, God damn it. We should tell everybody what you got. You got a knee replacement. A knee replacement. Yeah.

So is that when they resurface it? They change the surface and they put like a ball and cap thing? They put everything. When you get to the surgery and you look at the table and you see a mallet, a fucking mallet. Yeah. Why is that mallet here? I couldn't even understand it. Yeah.

If I would have done the research, I don't think I would have done, I would have tried the needle first. That's what I'm going to do on my left one with the blood. Oh, PRP? PRP, because that's the way to go. Yeah, there's a lot of things they can do for you now. Yeah. Between stem cells and PRP and, you know, you can most certainly make your knees feel better. You know, you can eliminate most of the pain.

I got on this program, this guy, Knees Over Toes guy. I had him on the podcast. His name is Ben Patrick. Great guy. I had him on the podcast, and he has this program that he puts up online. He puts a lot of it just on Instagram, and it's all in how to strengthen your knees, and he does it over this very progressive way where you're not really overworking your knee you're never getting to the point where you're like in pain you're not pushing you're not working through pain and you build it over a long

period of time and it's all about strengthening the areas around the knees of these various exercises that are pretty easy to do and man within I don't know how many months I've been doing it now, Jamie, what are you, like eight months or something? Probably, but I've completely changed the way my knees feel. Like I was thinking I was gonna have to stop like hitting the bag, like doing workouts, kicking the bag, I was like, look, maybe I'm 54,

like maybe at 54 you can't kick the bag anymore. Not true, no, I strengthened everything up and whatever little pain that I was worried about went away and now now I'm good to go doesn't bother me at all like normal shit you know normal little aches and pains but it's not like they don't feel like they work anymore like I strengthened all the area around it and constant blood flow from all these exercises like pulling a sled backwards that's a big one it's a big exercise in his program. So pull it this way?

Yeah, pulling it backwards. I did that last week. Because when you pull backwards, you strengthen your legs in a very different way than you do if you were pushing something forward. And most of the stuff we do, like with walking, you're going forward, almost always going forward. And he's like it really strengthens the knees and the legs in a unique way going backwards. And I found that to be probably the best thing for my knees.

And so I do it with it. Because he told me he did it with every workout, so I'm trying to do it like basically three or four days a week now at least. I walk backwards on the treadmill slowly. That's good. And then we go outside, we do the pull, and then I just do like knee bends with my heel to touch the floor, and we kept raising the stuff.

And then I'd go see my buddy, Dave Batone. He hits it, like, once a week with the laser. So my left knee, the arthritis I had, I got to be honest, I don't feel it anymore. Really? I'm still going to do the thing. PRP? The PRP. I took my initial consultation.

I think I go back in two weeks, and then we'll take the blood out, and we'll do all that stuff, and we'll take it from there. I know people that have had knee replacements, and it's been a game changer for them. It's really been amazing for them. And I know other guys who have had problems. I guess it probably depends on which kind you get, which doctor you go to, and there's probably a lot of variables.

It was fucking brutal. I can imagine. You know, I went to see him, and he goes, oh, yeah, you need it on the right one. You know, because before the pandemic started on the 16th, they shut everything down in March. I went to the doctor on the 9th, and he shot me with the gel, and he goes, this will last for a year. But the house I moved into in Jersey has stairs.

So it accelerated the fucking deterioration quickly. You know, unloading the truck and all that shit. So I went to get it. But I remember I went. I went on a Thursday. And he goes, you're having surgery in two weeks. That's how fast it was. So he goes, Saturday, you you gotta go to Brick and

do the pre, whatever the fuck. And I remember going down there and I'm like, I'm not gonna do this shit. Everybody had their mask on. You know, the fucking place was packed. I already did the lung x-ray and the EKG. All I needed

was a blood test and dog, I was ready to walk out of there. And some dude walked in there 20 years younger than me with a fucking... With a walker? With a walker. And this motherfucker, it didn't end there. This motherfucker walked up to the nurse and he goes,

how you doing? My name is Charlie Brown, whatever. And she goes, hold on one second, I'm on the phone. He turned his stroller around. It was a fucking cooler. He took a beer out and he sat on the cooler second, I'm on the phone. He turned his stroller around. It was a fucking cooler. He took a beer out and he sat on the cooler and he started drinking on the beer while the receptionist was fucking on the phone.

And I'm like, I don't want to be that dude. Like, he can't walk. Like, you could see when he got down, he couldn't even bend to sit down. So I just went in, got it done, and I went in the morning of, like, maybe two weeks later and it was quick. Like, I was in there and I was went in, got it done, and I went in the morning of, like maybe two weeks later, and it was quick. Like I was in there, and I was all in, so they said they were going to hit me with that fucking thing

in the back of your spine. Epidural. Jesus Christ. And I was naked as shit. My dick shrunk up because that's the worst when you drink. Because they're giving you all that shit free inside, like a little bit of this, a little bit of that. They give you the IV.

And I'll never forget, I'm on the fucking table. They go, listen, wait two minutes. We're going to give you the intramural block, whatever the fuck it is. And I'm like, listen, before you give me the block, I got to take a piss because when I stress out, I got to pee. Right. And I remember I just glazed my dick under the robe and it was nonexistent. It was just a pair of balls. All it was was the flap from the turtleneck,

the uncircumcised. I kept even double-checking. And the guy's like, come on, hurry up, get him. He needs to pee. And a beautiful girl came over, dog, with the thing. And she says, I'm going to help you. Just put it in here. And I'm like, you're not going to do this.

You know, what are the chances you show up and my dick is as small as it's ever been? And I remember like I had to maneuver the fucking thing onto my dick to pee

and then I took it out. They hit me with the epidural block. I passed out and I woke up fucking four hours later. How long before you could walk? I walked around that night.

Really? They had me walk. What did that feel like? I was so fucked up on whatever they gave me. You can't really get a read on anything. What do you do if you're an addict? Like if you're a person in recovery and you're not supposed to get high and you go in to get surgery. I mean, what the fuck do you do?

I had a friend that did that. Really? What did he do? Just take it? He had to do something completely different. fuck do you do? I had a friend that did that. Really? What'd he do? Just take it? He had to do something completely different. What did he do? To have all these herbal alternatives and shit. Get the fuck out of here.

It ain't gonna work, but you could try them. You gotta remember, I lived in Boulder where all those motherfucking granola people. Like, you know, no, I'm gonna have... And, Doug, the birthing center in Boulder was across the street from the hospital for a reason. Because those bitches would fold weekly. Those women would go in there.

Yes, you know, I go to yoga. I'm spiritual. I just want to have the kid fucking naturally. And it was right across the street from the hospital for a reason. If you go to Boulder right now, the is like 10 two minutes from the birthing center because they tap out they get there with the sandals the long hair under their armpits i'm tough no you're not tough that's pain okay you imagine that women did that for all of human history until they figured out brutal i mean what did they do in the back in the day do

you think they got them drunk did they give them booze when they were i mean what did they do back in the day? Do you think they got them drunk? Did they give them booze? I mean, what did they do when they're screaming in agony? Just nothing? Just let them handle it? Well, what about when somebody has a kid in the car, like a taxi or a cop has to deliver it? There's no drugs. There's no drugs.

No, you just have to have the kid. It was just a kid. That's so crazy. People still to this day want to do it in the tub. There's a lot of people that choose to do it. They get a doula. They get a midwife who helps them, and they have a baby in the tub. It's wild shit.

It's wild. That's a tough woman, man, to be able to go through that. I know I've had some painful surgeries, knee surgeries and stuff, but that is nothing compared to a baby coming out of your vagina i mean get the fuck out of here a baby so big a baby is so big you know a baby coming out of your vagina is just what a crazy design that nature figured out like it's and you know the thing about people as opposed to all the other primates is that when we come out we come out and we're helpless like monkeys are not that helpless. Like monkeys are not that helpless. Like chimps are not that

helpless when they come out. They're more developed, but our heads are too big. So when we come out, like we, we need to be taken care of for way longer. It's like our period of development inside the womb is like nine months, but then you're not mobile for like another year or so. You know, in terms of like being able to walk. It takes a long ass time to get a little kid to walk. Chimps come out and they're pretty fucking good to go. I mean, they're, you know, they're moving around pretty quickly. We also come out with a lot of fat on us.

They come out like ripped. They come out right out of the box, like low fat, real strong. We're helpless when we're babies. It's just a crazy design. Thank God we don't have to give birth. Could you imagine how few people there would be if babies had to come out of guys' dicks? We wouldn't do it. We wouldn't do it.

Do you know what year they first had anesthesia for that? Let me say 1920. Way older than that. Not way older, but a lot longer than that. 1846. Oh, wow. And what were they using? Ether.

Ether. The ether. And then chloroform. Oh, so they put them out. And then it said in the 1920s they had a mix of sclopamine and morphine to make them just forget it altogether. They would forget the entire childbirth. Doesn't chloroform put you out, though? I think that's what I mean, yeah.

So what do they do? If you're having a kid, you want to be awake because you've got to push. It's hard to believe. Wow. Before 1846, there was nothing. So it's hard to imagine as a person living in the 21st century, agreeing to surgery with the hope of anesthesia, yet prior to the discovery of ether, anesthesia in 18 in 1846 all surgeries from minor to major or absolutely radical were performed

on people who are wide awake oftentimes head down the operating table held down by men whose only job was to ignore the patient's pleas screams and sobs so the surgeon could do his job oh my god there's some fucking horrific film scenes of surgeries where they do on people where they have to saw through bone and the guy's like biting down on a leather strap and screaming and they have to saw his arm off because he's got gangrene. Like yikes. Don't you just pass out from the pain? Some people.

It depends. Some people can stay awake. Passing out's a weird thing. It's like some people pass out at the sight of a thing in a movie. I used to date a girl, and we were in the movies, and the guy in the movie shot heroin. And then she saw the guy shoot heroin. She was like this.

Boom. Dog, I fainted when Travolta put the needle and uma for thermos Fuck yeah, I was with a friend of mine in bold. He put a raisin that in my mouth That's how I woke up. He was goofing on me thought I was fucking around I passed the fuck house. I passed the fuck out at UFC. Did you yeah which one at the palm? Which one one of the early ones you took me someone's really bloody the towel he wiped down Yeah, the guy just threw the towel. Which one? One of the early ones you took me to. Someone was really bloody? The towel. The towel? He wiped them down.

Yeah, the guy just threw the towel. I'm sitting there. The towel hit the fucking, you know, in between rounds. They wiped them down, and they threw the towel, and it hit right there where they walk up the stairs when the coaches were walking out, and the coach picked it up. And I saw it was dripping. The blood.

And I was sitting next to Ralphie May and a chick that was like 20 with big tits next to like a doctor. I didn't know this before I passed out. When I passed out, obviously I went to her tits. The doctor put a towel on my head and we started talking afterward and that was it. He goes, oh, I got a son that that happens to also. Oh, wow.

So he wasn't worried about you. No, he was like, that just happens. That's good, wow. So he wasn't worried about you. No. He was like, that just happens. That's good. That way you don't have to miss fights. No. And one time I was at home and it was BJ Penn against Daddy Stevenson. Joe Stevenson. He split his fucking head open.

Oh, yeah. And I was on the couch watching it at home, eating like fucking a sandwich. And next thing you know, it's four in the morning, and there's a show about Christ on. I fell asleep for like three hours. That was the bloodiest UFC ever. That was a bloody one. That was fucking bloody. BJ cut him, and then he got his back and choked him.

And while he was choking him, the blood was pouring out of Joe's head. See if you can find that. Because it's one of the most shocking rear naked choke finishes ever. And this was prime BJ Penn when BJ Penn was the motherfucker of all motherfuckers Nah a little later. I think it was a little later. I'm trying to think of what year it was maybe four or five Yeah, but that was when BJ was the top of the fucking food chain That was when Anderson Silva when they asked him who's who's the best pound-for-pound fighter alive?

Who's the best pound-for-pound fighter alive? And he said, BJ Penn. A lot of people said BJ Penn. BJ Penn went all the way up to heavyweight and fought Lyoto Machida. That fucking heavyweight, Joey. He was a gangster. BJ Penn fought everybody.

He didn't give a fuck. He fought everybody. He didn't give a shit what weight you were in two division world champion yeah this is it his jiu-jitsu is off the charts like here it is like he's got his back and look it's hard to see because it's low rest in his elbow the blood is squirting out of Joe Daddy's head onto BJ's elbow. And that's prime BJ Penn, man. I'm telling you. The BJ Penn of that era, I put him up against anybody. I would have loved to see the BJ Penn that fought Joe Stevenson against Khabib. That would have been amazing. Watch his right elbow when the blood drips when he chokes him.

Yep. When he puts the elbow down, you see the blood squirt right on BJ's elbow. Crazy. That BJ Penn, he was a bad motherfucker and you know it's it's interesting when you look at a fighter's career sometimes people forget about the high points don't look at the low points they look at a fighter when they're not as good anymore when they're not as committed anymore maybe they have health problems they don't look at the time when they were at their highest RPMs. That's what you got to look at it. To me, that's like Mike Tyson.

Like everybody wants to like, look at who's the greatest heavyweight of all time. I don't think there's a greatest heavyweight of all time. I think the greatest like culturally significant heavyweight of all time is Muhammad Ali because he was more than just a heavyweight champion. He was a guy who they denied him his ability to fight for three years because he wouldn't fight in Vietnam. He stood up for a lot of people that did not want the Vietnam War. And he's also one of the greatest fighters of all time. So he's got both things going on.

But Mike Tyson in his prime, in those years from like, what was it, like 86, 87 to 89, 90, whatever those years were where he was just storming the gates. I put that Mike Tyson up against anybody who ever lived. That guy was a special fighter. The Mike Tyson that beat Marvis Frazier was a beast. He was just a juggernaut. Just you couldn't stop him.

He was coming at you and he had everything. He had knowledge. He had this deep library of films that he would watch because his manager was Jim Jacobs, who was this boxing historian. So Tyson would sit and watch all these great fighters. This is the Marvis Frazier fight. This to me is prime Tyson. Other than winning the title at 20, which was prime too,

but this is Mike Tyson when he was just at his fucking most destructive best. He just stalked people down and smashed them, and he moved so well. That was part of the thing about Tyson that people forget. It wasn't just the knockout punching. He was so hard to hit, man. He was part of the thing about Tyson that people forget. It wasn't just the knockout punching. He was so hard to hit, man. He was bobbing and weaving. He was already short for a heavyweight, but he would get low, and

he would come at you. Look at those shots. Look at how he puts them away. He's throwing things from his toes all the way up. He's got everything going for him. He's got deep knowledge of boxing. He's got customato hypnotizing him from's got custom motto, hypnotizing him from the time. That's Jim Jacobs right there, the guy with the glasses.

That's the guy who was his manager and also had this incredible boxing archive. So he had everything. He had the need because he wasn't getting any love in his life until he was 13 years old, had his horrible life. Then all of a sudden he gets adopted by one of the greatest boxing minds of all time who's also a hypnotist and takes him when he's at his most vulnerable he's more his like he's has most the most need right he's like he's on his own and this fucking guy turns him into one of the greatest fighters the world's ever seen the Tyson of that year, those years,

when he was like the Marvis Frazier years and the Larry Holmes years, he was a different guy. It's like a different model of fighter than we had ever seen in the heavyweight division before. A fucking destroyer, man, where every fight was an execution. And, you know, people would look at like later on in his life like look at this is this is him taking marvis out i mean just ferocious destructive accurate precise everything is perfect perfect the technique is perfect so strong so he had everything going for him he had

incredible coaching teddy atlas is one of his coaches. Kevin Rooney, working with Customato. And then Desire. He had everything. He had heart. And he had just destructive power. For those years, man, there's very few people that were ever like him. There's just some people in every sports, music, boxing. They come along every couple of years

and they just blow you away. They blow you away. He was one of them. Julio Cesar Chavez is another one for me. Julio Cesar Chavez. Bernard Hopkins had something. Oh, yeah. But Bernard Hopkins had a special thing

because they took away a lot of his prime years when he went to prison. Bernard Hopkins is for sure the guy who in our modern era fought the latest in his life, the oldest at a world-class level. I mean, he's deep in his 40s in a world-class level. And I think his last fight at a world-class level, I think he beat a former world champion at 50 years old, which is crazy. Where is he today, Bernard?

Bernard's working. He's doing golden boy boxing. He works with Oscar De La Hoya. They promote fights. You know, he's always got a suit and a tie on at the fights and promoting fights. And because he was such a craftsman and such a great defensive fighter,

he's got full control of his faculties, doesn't have problems with his words, you know. That's the saddest thing ever. It's like when Ali was older and you had to see him have those conversations and they said, oh, he's got Parkinson's. Well, yeah, but he's got trauma-induced Parkinson's. Most likely, the idea that that's not a thing. That's what Freddie Roach, how can I not remember Freddie Roach's last name?

Freddie Roach has that. Same thing. It's Parkinson's from his long career as a boxer. And he talks about it. I want to ask you something because I know you went and we didn't discuss it. Tell me about the Stones. What did you think? Oh, my God.

It was incredible. I could tell that you were a little blown away. Joey, I was blown away. When I got there, I was a weirdo. I couldn't talk to anybody. I just couldn't believe that it was... I was just watching. It's like, is this real?

People would try to talk to me, and I was just like, hold on. Is this real? Is that really Mick Jagger? That's when you realize what cultural icons they are, when you see them live. First of all, we saw them live in Austin. They have this amazing racetrack, Circuit of the Americas. It's incredible. It's an incredible place to see a concert.

Because the stage is massive. I think they told me they had 16 trucks. 15 or 16 trucks. All for the Stones. And one of them was Mick Jagger's gym. The whole truck is his gym the fucking guy works out twice a day every day he's doing his choreographed dance routines he's working out he's doing cardio and lifting weights constantly exercises and the fucking guy is biden's age biden's age and he's

like moving around on stage butting your lip, baby. I mean, he's fucking doing it. They played for an hour and a half, solid, killed it. It was amazing, man. Gimme Shelter came on. There was goosebumps, goosebumps on top of goosebumps. It's crazy. It's really fucking crazy. When you see Keith Richards out there jamming and then Mick Jagger's dancing and they got a badass band with them. I mean they have a bunch of

like they have this lady singing with Mick Jagger who was amazing. I wish I remembered her name but there was a bunch of other people in the band as well. Oh my god. 50 fucking years. Let's just talk about that. 50 years of being next to somebody on stage and toured them past whatever.

More whatever. 50 fucking years Mick Jagger is you know everybody complains Mick Jagger's greedy. He's the ultimate fucking professional. Whenever, if you ever have a night that you want to watch something, just watch the Rolling Stones. Ole, ole, ole. That's when they do the South American tour, and they end up in Cuba. Look at him. And he fucking threw South America. And he fucking... This is him.

Yeah, no, this is him. But this is the one that I saw. Oh, this was the same night? Yeah, this is in Austin. So is this someone's cell phone footage? That's a really good cell phone. It's something. I don't know.

There's a few videos online of it. It looks so good. But, you know, cell phones are pretty fucking good right now. Yeah, it's probably a cell phone. Dude, it was so good. But it wasn't just good. It was like a moment. Like I knew I'm not going to get to see this.

Ever again. No, that's. I don't think they're going to tour. I mean, I don't know if they're going to keep going. But look how fit that guy is. He's thin, but he's got muscle. He's super fucking healthy. So they never play back-to-back.

You do know that, right? They never play back-to-back. So they take nights off? They take a night off in between. They do three shows a week. They plan it out perfect. Nobody can get sore. They're probably on some type of testosterone for the shows, like Alex Rodriguez. I'm not putting anybody down.

I'm just telling you what I heard from a friend of mine you're talking to captain testosterone right right i'm a fan of it so but they they don't you know they use it to recover well i think they probably use it just to stay alive joey i mean it's it's stay alive yeah yeah a lot of older i mean he's alive keith richards has done more drugs than most of the bands combined. Fuck. And was partying like years ago. I mean, I don't know what he's doing now, but I knew people that partied with him 10 years ago. He parties still. He's a fucking animal. And he's a real artist. I mean, he's a real fucking artist. He played new music. He played new music in front of a gigantic racetrack amphitheater.

I mean, this huge amphitheater at Circuit of the Americas. It's fucking massive. It was amazing, dude. It was amazing, but it was also surreal. Even coming home, I was like, God, did I see that? I know I saw it. I know I saw it, but it just felt surreal. Now, you saw them in 2021, correct?

Yeah. I saw them in 78. I'm in the eighth grade, and I went to see that shit. Wow. And he came out with an American flag on, you know, fucking down in Philadelphia. 40 fucking years. One of the nice things about living in Austin is we see a lot of music. Oh, I know.

You get great music. We go see music and I'm meeting all these new bands. There's a lot of bands out here that are fucking badass that are just young guys

who are just out here hustling. Suzanne Santos out here now. Suzanne Santos. Yeah. Honey, honey. Oh, she is? Yeah.

Are they still together? No, they're not. No, she's solo now. She's solo now. He's doing his thing. She's doing her thing. But she's out here now. And Gary Clark Jr. is out here.

So I've seen them perform live a couple of times. It's amazing. It does something for you that's different than seeing comedy. It's good to see comedy. It's good to see someone kill. It feels good. It gets you excited about comedy again. but there's something about music that's different because like i don't know i i've it's magic to me i don't know anything about playing music i don't

know anything about singing i have no idea how to do that but they do that and the way they're doing it it's like this is incredible it's like they're expressing themselves in a way that is just, it's not in my wheelhouse. So I get to watch it just pure. Like, I don't even know when their fingers are moving. I know that's what makes the noise. I don't know what the fuck's happening. I don't know shit about guitars. But I get to watch Gary Clark and he's like, God damn.

Like, you just, you feel it. You feel it when he's playing the guitar. And when she's singing, she hits these fucking high notes, and you're like, God. That's a beautiful thing, seeing things live. It's so, like, I always say about someone's comedy special. And they say, yeah, I saw their special on Comedy Central. It was pretty funny. I go, listen, see them live.

A special is basically just an advertisement to come see you live. see him live. A special is basically just an advertisement to come see you live because a special is at best 60 or 70% of what seeing somebody live is. You're missing everything. It's like the difference between having sex and jerking off. It's not the same. It's, you know, seeing someone live is, it's a feeling like you're you're in the you're in the room with all the other people that are experiencing it together. It's not just you're seeing someone that they're there, but it's also there's a vibe where everybody is there enjoying it. That's part of what live entertainment is. That's the thing that I really missed during COVID. I didn't realize how much I missed until we started doing it again.

And I was like, Oh, it's like, now I got my vitamins again. Like you're taking your vitamin, like the vitamin of killing the vitamin of like making this whole audience of people have a good time. Like you're responsible for their,

their moment, this hour and a half block of time. You're responsible for that. You got to go out half block of time. You're responsible for that. You got to go out there and have a good fucking time with them. And they leave there and they go, that was fun. That was great. They feel good. They go to work the next day.

We had a great fucking time. Oh, my God, we laughed so hard. And that's how I felt. The best is when you go, what did he say? And they go, we don't remember. It don't fucking matter. Right, right. It don't matter.

And that's why for years, and we discussed this 10 episodes ago, I wouldn't send the tape. I refuse. We need to see a tape. No tape. No tape, no tape, no tape, no tape. And in my mind, I always knew that. That for me, I always felt better when you came to see me. I didn't like shooting a special.

It was too whatever. It wasn't for me. But live, I could always get you. You come see me live, something might happen. In the middle, a waitress drops a bun, some drunk chick gets up. If we ever do a special with you, what we're gonna do is, you're gonna do a whole week. I'm gonna film every show.

That's the move. We'll do it out here when we open up. We'll film every show. So that you don't feel like it's a filming. That's why I always do four. I film four shows. I would never do a special at a giant place because you can't sell enough tickets to do four shows. I want to do it in a place like a club or a small theater where I could do four shows. Because that way you know it's just a show.

Like you do the first one, you feel loose, and you go, all right, we got it in the can. And then just have a good time. And then it's just having a good time and then decide which one you wanna be, you know, represent your special. That's what we gotta do with you. It's just weird how when you do stand up,

for me, I always felt better when you came to see me. Oh, yeah. I always felt that I gave you everything I got. If you didn't like me then, okay, we'll shake hands and part friends and I'll never, but that's how. The tape's just, it's also a tape when you know you're being filmed. That's the thing. It's a tape when you know you're being filmed that's the thing it's a tape when you know you're being filmed it's like i always point to bill hicks revelations because uh bill hicks did this uh special in um in the uk and he did it it was uh i think they did one they just filmed one and it was it just felt a little

tense just felt like a little tense like i'd seen him live and it was amazing but I saw that material in the special and I was like it's just a little tense because I think you know you're realizing okay here it is this is it go and you have one hour to film your HBO special I'm pretty sure that's the case I don't think they filmed two I might be wrong but it just felt tense you know and I've done them before where I did one just one hour just film one ready go and it's just not that good the best way is doing like four that because then it's like a show you know but live is the way live is the for comedy it's not not even close for music's not even close when you go to see a band live you know you feel it you know you feel the music you feel you literally feel it in

your skin you know the smells yeah the odors the you know i went to great concerts growing up and i think that's what because i never went to a comedy show before I got on stage really never did you get on stage that just a regular open mic night first time which club comedy works in Denver oh that's right but I hadn't this was my thing all right let's just get it on the table whenever I saw prior David what was a guy comic when we were kids? David, he had like a nose, David something. David Brenner? David Brenner. Yeah.

You know, those were my guys, Freddie Prinze. This is what I thought. I always thought that you just called the Comedy Works one night and go, hi, I'm Joe Diaz, I'm Joe Rogan, whatever. Are you guys busy on Tuesday nights? Do you think I'd come down and shoot a special? And they're like, yeah, we'll have the camera ready for you. I really thought that you just walked into a comedy club and talked for an hour.

Then you went home. That was my first introduction to comedy. So you didn't think they wrote anything down? No. I thought that they just fucking went in there and said, let's go. Well, you know why? Because you were used to being around a bunch of people that were great at telling stories. No.

We're talking about the fourth grade I'm hanging out with a friend of mine. I know nothing I know about the guy named David Brendan I see on NBC from time to time and all of a sudden I'm at my friend's house and we're trying to listen to the Beatles white out All right, I want this fourth grade bought white out. Yeah, we were excited about listen to the Beatles white out It was great. We bought White Album, yeah. We were excited about listening to the Beatles' White Album.

We go up to his house. We put the fucking first song on. His mom gives us, like, Kool-Aid, and she goes, I got to go. And 10 minutes later, his brother comes out, and he's a fucking junkie. And I'm not talking about a boozer. I'm talking about a heroin junkie. And he comes out of the room like, what the fuck's going on out here? What are you assholes listening to?

And we're like, the Beatles. You know, we're all excited, like, we want to be cool. And he's like, the Beatles? What the fuck's going on out here? What are you assholes listening to? And we're like, the Beatles. You know, we're all excited, like, want to be cool. And he's like, the Beatles? What the fuck is that shit? Take that off. And he put on a Richard Pryor album. And that's all I needed to hear. My head fucking exploded.

Wow. So I knew David Brenner, and I maybe knew one other guy that I can't remember what his name was. And all of a sudden, I remember the first two Richard Browns I got was something I said, and the two with, you know, what's going on here? And two of them after that. Jamie's got background music for us. So it had to be like 75 and 76, and that's all I knew. So I brought those albums to my friend's house in North Bergen

when I first moved there, like the Canellas. To this day, whenever I talk to Ray, he's like, those albums to my friend's house in North Bergen when I first moved there. The Canellas, to this day, whenever I talk to Ray, he's like, you know, my mother's still mad at you about you bringing that album to my house in the eighth grade. Because it was fucking crazy. But that's what I thought. I thought that you just walked into a place and did comedy. Before I got locked up, my buddy won a ticket.

Two tickets to see the guy from Boston with the dry pan comedy. Before I got locked up, my buddy won a ticket. Two tickets to see the guy from Boston with the dry pan comedy. Stephen Wright? Stephen Wright. And I met him there. And I was late. So I walked in, and I caught the last 35 minutes, maybe. That was my first stand-up comedy show.

What year was that? 87. Wow. Then I was that? 87. Wow. Then I got arrested in 87. Alright? And I came out. And I'll never forget that he took me again. He goes, do you want to go see this guy again?

And I go, yeah. And this time I sat for 15 minutes and I walked out because he said the same jokes when I saw him the first time. And I like Stephen Wright. I got nothing against him. I just thought he did the same material. And I remember I wasn't even doing comedy. Comedy wasn't even on my radar.

And I said to myself, if I ever do comedy, I'm never doing the same material. Like I fucking knew that then. Like fuck this. And I wasn't even thinking about doing comedy knew that then. Like, fuck this. And I wasn't even thinking about doing comedy at that point. And it wasn't until the arrest, after the arrest, when I got out, that comedy was in the horizon. Then I still put it off for two years. But I thought you basically called the club and just went down there and did an hour. So you thought that Stephen Wright doing the same material was crazy.

And I like Stephen Wright. Well, listen, I mean, when you see comics, like that's one of the things that a lot of the kids that worked at the door, at the store told me. They go, it's crazy.

You see comics, like great comics, coming over and over and over again. You see them do the same act over and over again. It kind of takes the magic away, but it shows you how it's done. You get an education in it.

That's one thing about that thing, that gig for Up and Coming Comics. Mitzi was very smart in that she hired comics to work the door and hired comics to do the ticket booth and work inside the club so you could see great comics over and over again. And you would have your spots, your little spots you would do after the show was over or on potluck night, but you got a chance to be there. Maybe you weren't getting paid as a comic yet.

Maybe you're just a door guy, but you're still working at the fucking comedy store and you're getting a chance to see great comedians work out their material. It's like you never would get that opportunity to see them go up in front of 30 people like you get a chance to see Chris Rock walk on stage in front of 30 people at 1 a.m. On a Tuesday He will just show up and he'll pull into the parking lot and it will go. Hey

Can I go on stage and they're like yeah, go ahead Chris Rock would just go up to 30 fucking people and work out his shit fuck around and If you're a comic and you're a door guy and you you've been doing comedy like two years You're just trying to survive you're eating ramen every day and meanwhile You're 13 feet away from one of the greatest comics of all time which popped in at 1 a.m On a Tuesday to do a set and you get to just sit there and watch like wow This is crazy. Like i remember the first time i saw someone famous on stage at the store it was damon wayans damon wayans is the first guy i ever

saw that was like a real like i'd seen guys who were at the store when i first moved there that were you know decent comics road comics club comics you know guys who have been around for a while but i hadn't seen anybody that was like really good that had been you know on hbo or anything like that other than dom harrier i'd seen dom harrier alive a bunch of times but to see him at the comedy store like that was like wow see him working out material it was like whoa this is crazy like you're getting a chance to see these guys craft what you know is going to be a great HBO comedy hour someday. And you get to watch it. And when I was fucking 26 or 27, whatever I was, just a young dummy standing there watching all this go down.

Like, wow, this is crazy. It's a beautiful opportunity for people. For young comics, like that opportunity that the store provided was different than any other environment Because we were all like everybody there was treated as a comic the door people the guys who parked the cars Everybody worked the bar like how about punky? She's on Saturday Night Live now. She used to work the bar forever There's always our friend punky now all of a sudden she's on saturday night live i mean that that happened with so many comics who were there as employees and made their way through and became very successful you know it's one of the beautiful

things about that place and one of the incredible like mitzi's understanding of maniacs and her ability to manage all these fucking loonies and get them together and figure out how to extract the best comedy out of them. It was amazing, that lady. I mean, I think all the time, where the fuck would I be if I never met that lady? Can you believe this? Can you believe that? I feel the same fucking way. Ever since I left L.A., I have no desire to do stand-up.

That's crazy. And it's because of the comedy stuff. Because I don't have it in my life anymore. She had the recipe. I fucking think about it. It was a perfect recipe. I light a candle for her every Monday. Do you really?

I put a glass of water for her. Yeah, I took it into my Cuban act. She's in my fucking Santeria life now. I light a candle for her every Monday. I got a picture of her. I fucking put a glass of water for her. And I realized how important it was for me to walk in there. At the end of the day, the reason why I have you as a brother, my wife as my wife, my daughter, and my comedy career is because of the fucking comedy store.

It's a big factor. It's a big factor in my life. So when I went, dog, I went and said goodbye to the comedy store. I want you to know that. The building was closed. I went down there. I sat on the stairs. I smoked a joint by myself.

There was nobody there, not a soul there. Everything was still closed. I walked over. I rubbed my name on the building. And I said, I'll see you when I see you. But it's never going to be. And it's never going to be the way it was when Dyson Kennison was there. No.

The guys that got us there. Yeah. Because they got me there. You know, I went to, I took a stand-up comedy course in January of 91 that consisted of three weeks at the University of Colorado. The teacher's name was Jeff Harms, good guy. And after the three weeks, he said to me, listen, out of the 15 people, maybe you and the one girl showed a little promise.

What are you going to do? And I go, I don't know. I think I'm going to get on stage. He goes, well, why don't you go? There's a new comedy club opening. Go work for them. I'll call the guy right now and you can go work for him. It was in Westminster, Colorado. And what the fuck was it called? I forget. Whitsend. Whitsend. Whitsend. And it was a B room, you know, but I went in there. I started as a doorman. Then the sound guy guy quit so I became the doorman and the sound guy

then the bar back quit and I became the bar back the sound guy and the fucking door guy and Then I went to Wendy and I said I want to get on stage and Wendy put me up on a Tuesday The owner from which said found out and fired me Because he didn't want no comics working there So he goes you have to put your two weeks in. I can't have a comedian work in here. But again, those four months working at

Wait a minute, he fired because you were a comedian? Yeah, he didn't like it. He didn't want that in his club. He wanted normal people to work the club. Oh, I thought he fired you because you did a set at a rival club. No, no. And then he was one of the partners in that club. That's so silly And then he was one of the partners in that club. That's so silly.

Yeah, but one of the partners on that club was a guy named McKelvey. And McKelvey had been in a comedy troupe with Steve Martin. He was also fucking always on the Tonight Show. And he owned that club and a club in Denver called McKelvey's. And he took a liking to me, and he used to take me on the road with him in the beginning. He's the one that brought me to the stage when I met Judy Brown at Colorado Springs. Judy Brown was the lady who had that book, right?

No, that's Judy Carter. Judy Carter. That's right. Judy Carter. Judy Brown's Judy Marmel. Yes, Judy Marmel. That's Bert's manager. Bert, yes.

And Sebastian's. Sebastian, I think Whitney too, but it's funny how it was full circle like I started watching and it was a great education because I came from a society of comedy that you listened right you didn't watch I listened to and then I got the one uh so I got the first three Richard Pryor albums I don't know if they're the first three. And then I got a George Carlin one. And then I had to go for fucking the man, Red Fox. Oh, yeah, man. So honest to God, like I've never stolen a joke.

But when I was 12 and 11, I did Red Fox at every party. Oh, yeah, I did that too. You know, wash your ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That whole thing. And then I did Delirious. Oh, yeah. That whole thing. And then I did Delirious. Oh, yeah. But my all-time favorite was The Wino Meets Dracula by Richard Pryor.

I can say that head to fucking toe, backwards and frontwards. Yeah. You know, but that was my A game. When I met a girl, you ever hear about winos and Dracula? And I would drop into, and what the fuck are you talking about? And I would go into the fucks and the whole thing. Richard Pryor to me was such a, because he cursed. Yeah.

He talked about drugs. He talked about all this shit that I was like, you don't talk about this. He was vulnerable too. Yeah, you don't talk about this. Who talks about this shit? Yeah. I always watch it when it's on. I give it like 10 minutes live on the Sunset Strip.

It's amazing. It's been on a lot lately. It was on a lot during the pandemic, so I'll watch it here and there. You know, that was when I realized what comedy was. I went to see it when I was in high school. My parents took me. I was probably 15, and we were in the theater. And while we were there, maybe I was 14, something like that, we were in the theater.

I think I was a freshman year of high school, maybe sophomore. We were in the theater, and he was just on stage talking that's all he was doing was talking and people were falling out of their chair just falling out of their chair couldn't breathe i couldn't believe how hard i was laughing and i'll remember the moment i'll never forget i remember turning in my chair and looking around and all these people laughing i was like this is crazy this guy's just talking'm like, how is he doing this? How's he doing this by just talking? This is the craziest thing I've ever seen and he just Changed the way I thought about comedy

I'd only seen comedy on television before that like, you know, The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, you know Richard Jenny would go up and do a set I would see that like wow But to see this to see his special on a giant screen was almost as good as being there because you had a whole audience with you so the audience was laughing along it was the same kind of feel as like that's a thing that comics should really do is put their specials and make a movie again i know a few guys have done it like kevin Hart has released his stuff like that I think Gabriel released his stuff in the movie theater

but that's really a good way to see comedy a Good way to see comedy is in a fucking movie theater because then you're laughing with all the people like when you're at home You're it's okay. It's fun with your wife or you know with a friend watch a special But I think the best way is live. The second best is in a movie theater. And when I saw Richard Pryor live at the Sunset Strip, it completely changed what I thought about comedy. I couldn't believe how powerful it was.

I couldn't believe this guy. I had seen all these funny movies. I remember thinking about all the different comedy movies that I saw that I loved. Blazing Saddles and all these different films. There were just great, hilarious comedies. Nothing was this funny. Nothing was this funny. It was funny the whole time.

There was no set up, there was no like, they gotta go through this scene and then funny shit happens. It was just funny. No Siren Live was that funny. Nothing I'd ever seen was that funny. It was incredible. It was incredible.

It did come across real. I went to see that at the Lowe's in Jersey City Me and a bunch of buddies took a bus the number one bus went down that fucking just tremendous and it stuck with me It stuck with me so much. I had to try it. Well, that was also we all knew that Richard Pryor had just survived getting Yes on fire. Yes So that was all over the news that Richard Pryor had just survived getting lit on fire. So that was all over the news, that Richard Pryor was lit on fire, like what happened. And then he had that movie, JoJo Dancer, and in that movie he lit himself on fire.

So it was always like a weird, we didn't know, did he accidentally get caught on fire or did he light himself on fire in the movie? I believe, isn't that what happened in the movie? I believe he lit himself on fire or did he light himself on fire in the movie i believe isn't that what happened in the movie i believe he lit himself on fire but that was i think when you said he was very vulnerable i think that was the line of the movie that just made me cry when he was walking he took a sip of something and he goes you motherfuckers don't know you don't know what but i know that you motherfuckers been saying about me. Yeah.

Right there, you fucking lost it. Because that was the new joke. And he goes, yeah, getting a lighter. What's this, Richard Pryor running down the street?

I fucking lost it. When he goes, I know you motherfuckers been talking about me. Right there, I was like, oh no. And he took that lighter out.

I'm like, that's fucking funny. That's real. Did you ever see the one that he did in Long Beach? He filmed that one. I think it's just Richard Pryor live. He films it in Long Beach. And some dude at the beginning of the show, like the audience isn't even fully sat when he goes on stage at the beginning of the film.

And this dude gets up with a fucking camera and gets like right up to the stage. And Richard Pryor is fucking with this guy while he's taking a picture of him while the show was going on in that you know you ever do that place with me that one uh theater in Long Beach it's a beautiful theater across from the it's in that whole nice area of Long Beach restaurants and that's it so this is the beginning of this so he's going on stage. He's saying hi to everybody. But people are still kind of sitting down. See?

They're moving in to take their seats when he goes on stage at the beginning of his film. Give me some volume, Jamie. Look at this. So look at this. What's happening, blood? He's fucking with people at the beginning of his special. People are sitting down. So look at who films a special where the audience is lit up and people are sitting down?

I saw the police had some brother jacked up when we was coming in here. Nigga's hands way up here. Talking about, huh, what? They're searching the ship. Bet they take him away to jail. Go to jail in Long Beach as a motherfucker, man. It's just like, where you at? I'm in Long Beach as a motherfucker, man. Where you at? I'm in Long Beach.

Shit, we ain't coming down there to get your ass out. Who does a special like this where people are still being seated? It's weird, right? I don't think they knew. Did they have an opening act for him, you think? He might not have had an opening act. Maybe Mooney. This concert was recorded live at the Terrace Theater in Long Beach, California.

I don't know if he had an opening act. I mean, I don't know how they did it back then. It might have just been Richard Pryor, you know? And she's doing really well. The ex-wife? Yes. Yeah? That's good. She was always at the store with him towards the end? She's doing really well. The ex-wife? Yes. Yeah? That's good.

She was always at the store with him towards the end? She's good people. When he would go up and Marilyn Martinez's husband, David and Chewy, used to get him to the stage. Remember? She was always with him. She's a good lady. She sends me stuff still. Really?

Yeah. They're doing a lot of stuff with Richard Pryor now. Well, I know his company sent me a bunch of T-shirts and shit. Sweatshirts, I wear those all the time. Yeah, they sent me the Wanted shirt and shit. Yeah. I love all that stuff. The one with him doing this with the horns over his ears?

Listen, man, when it came to comedy, I loved Pryor. I loved everything that went with it. Pryor gave me the fucking, Pryor gave me the passport to snort coke and jump up and down. That was it. He's my dog. That's it. It's Pryor. I like Colin. I fucking love Bill Hicks.

I adore Rodney Dangerfield. That's my other fucking that's plan B. But the guy that brought me to the dance when I saw him was Andrew Dice Clay. Oh, for sure. That motherfucker still makes me laugh on Instagram

with his craziness. He still makes me laugh. Whenever I get a text from him, I can't believe Dice Clay's my friend. Yeah, no, I'm the same way. I get a text from him, I'm like, when I was 19, I was dating this girl and we're sitting in front of my house,

we're sitting in my car and I had a cassette player and we were playing, I think my house. We're sitting in my car and I had a cassette player and we were playing. I think it was just called Dice. The first one, the first cassette. We were crying, laughing in my car. I'll never forget that moment. Just sitting in front of my house with this girl and we're just cackling, playing this cassette. It's Dice Clay.

And every now and then I get a text from him and it's all caps. Don't ever forget who you are he called me as I was getting off the plane in Teterboro Airport when I moved here so we were just getting off the plane loading everything into the into the car Alex the driver, Alex. Yeah, yeah, that guy. My phone drained. I'm like, who the fuck did this be? And it was Andrew. He's like, I think you're doing a good move

for your family and all that. Because he was in the city. I think he's still in the city. Is he in Manhattan? Yeah. Really? He's been staying there the whole fucking time. Does he still have the Bell's palsy with his face?

I don't know. He looks good. He looks good in the Instagram pictures he's been putting up lately. I haven't spoken to him. Yeah, he looks good. Oh, he's smiling. So he doesn't have it anymore. Good.

Beautiful. Yeah, they say that. Dom had that for a while, and it goes away. Like whatever makes your face fucking go numb for a little bit. He said he was sleeping on his hand, and that did it. How crazy is that? Like he fell asleep on his fist, and he woke up and his fucking face wouldn't work.

Like how crazy is that? That's crazy. Dom or Andrew? Andrew. Pretty sure. That's what Eleanor told me. But Dom got it in a different way. Dom got it years ago.

He just, for some reason, his face started drooping on one side and they said there's nothing we could do. So he'd go on stage with that and make fun of himself. You know what's fucking crazy when I think about this, that I actually talked

a fucking state corrections institution like went in there by myself, no attorney, and said, can I rent out? What are you doing for the fucking inmates on New Year's Eve? And they're like, nothing. I go, no, you got to do something for the inmates. I'm in the halfway house.

I go, you got to do something for the inmates on New Year's Eve. They're like, well, why don't you pay for it? I go, I will. I go, I want to rent out the community room. They're like, give us 50 don't you pay for it? I go, I will. I go, I want to rent out the community room. They're like, give us 50 bucks. I go, fine. I brought a VCR, and I invited everybody in the fucking 98 Invicts to watch Andrew Dice play.

Really? Which one? The first one. They can redock. Some chick sucked my cock. The whole fucking thing. And I was just blown the fuck away. I was blown.

If I would have seen Andrew while the special was still hot, I would have beat him up because I felt he had stole a lot of jokes from me. What? Trust me. You know I'm out of my mind. All right, so I always thought about stand-up. I was thinking about it. I told a friend of mine, Manny, in Bold, I'm thinking thought about stand-up. I was thinking about it. I told a friend of mine, Manny, in Bold,

I'm thinking about doing stand-up, and he's the one that go, you got to see this guy. So the first time I seen Andrew Dice Clay, I'm like, I was depressed. I'm like, I think that shit all the time. The one line I'll tell you when he goes, you ever see those guys that come up to you with a flower? Would you like to buy a flower for the lady?

Yeah, so I can plant it in your ass. All that shit, that's me in my mind. This guy's selling flowers. Go fuck himself. So, you know when you're fucked up on drugs. You blame people for it. You think helicopters are following you? Yeah, so I'm like, fucking Andrew.

He stole my joke. Like, in the beginning, I wasn't even doing stand-up, guys. That's hilarious. I was just thinking about it. And I saw Andrew Special. And then I went and hunted down all his shit. And I hunted down the New Year's Eve of Philly, which is Buck Wilde.

Buck Wilde. Buck Wilde. That's at the peak of his powers. That was the peak of his power. And then I found the Rodney shit. Oh, my God. And the Rodney shit was what pushed me on stage with Hicks, Kennison.

Lenny Clark. Lenny Clark. Robert Schimmel. Schimmel, fucking funny motherfucker. Schimmel was amazing. Oh, he was the best. Those guys are really all together. If you look at that special, I came out to be all those people having a child.

Because I looked at those specials. Yeah. I analyzed that special so much. By the way, have you seen the Fat Tuesday thing? What's the Fat Tuesday thing? Fat Tuesday, they have a show on Amazon Prime. Like a documentary? Yeah.

Really? Joe Torre, Guy Torre. You know, it's okay. It's okay. I mean, I'm happy they did it because that was one of the fucking great. Dog, when I first discovered Fat Tuesday, I was selling. I was giving away free tickets at the store on the phone. I Was working upstairs with ends Mitchell and shame attach Wow

alright, and I never forget the faxes Every Tuesday you get a fax in those days from the industry that was coming to fat Tuesday, and it was ten pages Wow, it was ten page. I'll never forget them rolling it up and going, look at this shit. NBC, Warner Brothers, all, you know, and that. Then they have the fucking documentary and it's about how they went to look at Chris Tucker, but found

the other kid for American History X. And then Bruce Willis went to Fat Tuesday to see Joe Torre and he ended up hiring, what's his name, for the fifth dimension, the fifth element. That was Chris Tucker. Chris Tucker, yeah. Yeah, man.

And they go to the beginning and they talk about the funniest fucking brother of all time, Memez Kids. That's how the LA scene started. Robin Harris. Oh, the first hour was about Robin Harris. And the tears come out of your eyes because you're like, that fucking dude was funny and raw. Robin Harris was a monster. Dog, and they show the footage

of what he would do at the club. I went down there one time. The live act theater wasn't no good for Uncle Joey. No? No, comedy act theater. Where was that? It was in Crenshaw. Oh, wow.

So those dudes hung out at the store that robbed the bank, and they had a cell phone place down there, so I would bring them hot cell phones, and they're like, you got to go do the comedy act theater play. And they took me to the comedy act theater one night. I ate a bag of dicks. That was the early days of Joey Diaz like I always said that there's you're the first guy that I ever saw that like hit a switch and went from having rough sets a lot you couldn't figure out how to be yourself on stage to killing like you went, you jumped like five levels.

It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen. Like you figured out how to beat yourself on stage. And I don't know what it was. And I've always had my suspicions that it was like you got tired of waiting for like Hollywood to cast you in something. And you got tired of like dealing with agents and like holding yourself back

and you allowed yourself to be yourself the joey that we always knew in the back bar or in the parking lot you were always the the guy was making everybody laugh we would just gather around and talk shit with you and you would go on stage and you would tense up. You remember those days? I didn't know that that was what people wanted to see. I thought people wanted to see me doing an impersonation of John Mulaney, because I loved John Mulaney. I didn't know who John Mulaney was then. Right, but that kind of traditional stand-up comedian.

It was hosting at the store. If I have to tell you what really turned the corner for me, and I hope young comics are listening so they know what this is it was 50% of that no that's lie to you 30% of that was hosting at the store 70% and a strong 70% hosting those open mic nights those open mic nights at the Comedy Store but I think what really showed me the light in comedy was the late-night sets following Paul Mooney and you. Those sets right there are sets of, you need to make that $15.

You need the $15 so that you had to wait for four people. They would do the show if there was four people. But forget about the $15. It was the ability to go down there with a plan, sit there through four comics, and realize my plan's not going to work. And you had to squeeze blood out of a rock. And you had to turn whatever you were going to say on stage

and flip it because Mooney was already going to cover it if it was topical. You know, somebody who was there was going to cover it. You were going to cover it. Mooney was always amazing with topical right so topical you lost it if you went down there and you had three jokes on a piece of paper yeah and mooney's up you remember when that that plane went down in florida in the swamps and mooney had that whole bit about it like right afterwards he had a bit of the lady clutching her purse They've got a alligator eating her he just went right after it like right after the plane crash Like right after it when I moved to Jersey about a year ago. I went on a

Stand-up hunt to make me laugh again. I wanted to learn how to do stand-up again And I went in this I listened to Paul Mooney Race. Paul Mooney Race is a very good ABCD stand-up comedy. I've never seen that. Is it a CD or is it a... It's a CD. It came out, it's all... It's all audio?

All audio. OJ, The White Bitch. Oh, really? Yeah, that was 96 95 maybe the cover of it is three brothers on the thing ready to run a race you know and that's the album race paul mooney when i was just starting out at the comedy store you know i would bring him up and i would just feel like like so inadequate you know i had to like give him his introductions. I couldn't believe I was working with him.

I was fumbling with it. Because I had known that he was Richard Pryor's head writer. He was a super well-respected comic. And then one night I went up, and it was late at night, and there was maybe like 10, 15 people in the audience. And I'm doing my set, and I'm getting after it. There's only 10 or 15 people, but they're laughing. I'm doing my set and I'm you know I'm getting after it I'm it's there's only 10 or 15 people but they're laughing I'm having fun and I'm just committed to my material and I hear in the back room I forget what I was

talking about but I'm like oh my god Paul Mooney is laughing I'm like he's laughing and then I got off stage and and he said to me, he goes, you're a real motherfucking comic. He goes, you went up there. He goes, there was 10 people in that crowd. And he goes, and you gave them your full show. He goes, these motherfuckers, they go in there, and they kind of half-ass it, and they dance around it because there's no one in the crowd. Do your fucking show. And he goes, and you fucking did your fucking show.

And I was like, whoa, holy shit. You did your show, homieie he hated when you fucked around he did not like when you didn't respect the art he didn't like it at all no he let you know it one time and then if you adjust it and I adjusted I learned a lot from Paul Mooney I learned a lot from you I learned a lot from Paul Mooney in those days there was a couple guys at the store Charlie Hill used to make me laugh god rest his soul Charlie Hill was a great man a lot of Paul Mooney in those days. There was a couple guys at the store. Charlie Hill used to make me laugh, God rest his soul. Charlie Hill was a great man. A lot of motherfuckers that were, a lot of old timers were wasting time and they were

bitter. Yeah. And they were blowing that over on us because we were the younger generation. There was a problem with those guys. There was a problem. And that's why I never wanted to become those guys. I knew early on that when shit gets that bad, you got to get out of comedy. If you're going to walk around and get mad at Taylor Tomlinson

because she got a standing ovation, you know, some new comedy, you got to cheer those motherfuckers on. What about my little pot-smoking girl? Which little pot-smoking girl? Fucking Wolfie. Fucking great girl. Who you talking about?

I forget what her fucking name is. The jackass, Rachel. Yeah, Rachel Wilson. She just fucking blew up from jackass. I've never been so happy for somebody. That's awesome. That girl was out every night doing fucking jokes and this and that. She gets this movie

and she fucking ate lizards or something. I haven't seen it yet. The art form relies on new up-and-coming talent to be nurtured by the people that are already doing it You know and when people are coming up and they're killing it. You should be happy. You should pump them up You should be excited about it You know, that's what we're all supposed to be doing those older guys the storm We got there when I'm not excited and it really shan I felt bad and the guys in the trips here

I did a year of triple runs with those guys. Yeah, You know, why are you going to go to L.A.? It's a waste of time. Oh. I don't get any spots. You don't get any spots? No, maybe if I'm lucky, I get one spot a month at the improv on Sunday nights

and I got to sit there. Okay, then maybe I won't go to L.A. And I got to tell you something. Every day I was in L.A., I would think of those fucking dudes and say, you guys just had the wrong mindset. They did have the wrong mindset. You were looking at it from a different concept,

from a different, when you're doing stand-up comedy, every day I got a spot at the store, I know I was a lot better than I was yesterday. Didn't even mean anything about money. I'm at the fucking store, Jack. And you're working on your act. Yeah, I'm at the fucking store, Jack. Those days, the early days before you made it,

you were working on your act, and you were trying to get it to a place where you were a real professional, you know? And you were trying to do it while you're, you know, you don't have any idea what's going to happen. You might be a failure. You might try this and wind up doing construction or fucking, who knows what's going to happen to you.

You might not ever make it. You might not be good enough. Do you know what the original plan was? To go to L.A., stay there until they threw me out, stop in Colorado, shoot a few people, and go to Jersey and fucking have the cops looking for me, okay? That was the plan. That was the plan because I was already expecting failure.

I was already expecting to fuck it up some way. I never thought I'd get in a TV show or a movie, so I figured I'd be an extra. And when they put me on the store, dog, I get to look you in the face and tell you, there was a lot of times I pulled up to the store in the daytime, and there'd be 10 bottles of fucking booze out there, which I could have taken,

and sold for half price at any liquor store in the area, and I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't fucking do it. I respected that motherfucker with all my heart. I really did. It was a church. If I found $20 on the floor, different story. You know what I'm saying?

You found it on the floor. You found the gram of Coke on the floor. So be it. Yeah. But I took it that seriously. Yeah. I took it that seriously. To me, it was that fucking intense.

You know, until this day, I love the improv. I love Jamie at the Laugh Factory fucking characters. Body. But fuck the comedy stores alive and kicking jack Yeah, it was a special place to be in a really unique time, you know a really unique time for us as people I remember when I was a 21 year old open mic comic in Boston just starting out I'd hear about the Comedy Store and it was like hearing about Mecca

It was like the great Mecca it was like the great attractor that was pulling you across the country so one of the things that happened to me when I when I got a television show is that I was just happy it was going to be in LA so I'd come to LA because I'd gone to the comedy store before one time and I sat there and I sat in the back of the crowd and I watched it wasn't't a good night. It was like half crowded, and it was kind of dead. A lot of the comics that were up, there were those guys that we're talking about. They didn't really have a lot of passion for it. They were just trying to get a good laugh on stage,

and they wanted to be cast in a television show. And it wasn't happening, and they were getting older, and it was just weird. or cast and it wasn't happening and they were getting older and it was just weird but when i went out there i i could i still felt like this is where i'm supposed to be i'm like if i can just figure out a way to be a real professional here at the comedy store then i can do it because i was still touch and go like i was i was getting paid as a comic i was doing the road you know i was getting some gigs but i was all right sometimes i'd be good sometimes it'd suck you know it was like it was i wasn't solid yet and then when i came to the store and mitzi passed me i was like holy

i'm a professional comedian now like i'm a professional comedian at the lineup at the comedy store so and then you got the chance to see all these comics performing i mean got to see dice what dice would go up and just around with people for hours just go on stage and just around like no plan didn't give a went on stage smoking cigarettes just talking smoking cigarettes, just talking shit. I fucking loved him on Sunday nights. When he used to, and I would host, and I would call him and go,

Andrew, you got to come down tonight. What do you mean I got to come down? You got to come down. The place is sold out in that area for you. The place wasn't sold out, and nobody knew Andrew was coming. But I had to get him down there. And he's a real student of the game. What do you mean it's a Sunday night? You're the one that told me you got to get on stage every night. All right, all right, I get him down there. And he's a real student of the game. What do you mean it's a Sunday night?

You're the one that told me you got to get on stage every night. All right, all right, I'll be down there. And he come down, and I remember one fucking Sunday night, there were these Chinese guys heckling him and shit, and he was talking about fucking going to a restaurant and eating, and he shit blood for three days. And all of a sudden he stopped and he goes, hey, it was maybe your uncle's restaurant. Like he just did beautiful things at the store

where I learned about timing. Yeah. Another time I'm driving by the store in the afternoon, one in the afternoon, I see a ton of cars in there. I go, maybe they're shooting something. Maybe they're giving away a free lunch. That was the mentality. And I pulled up, cars all in the back.

I hear Jeff Scott playing the piano. And I look to see who it is. And it's Andrew up on stage with sunglasses singing about the color of his ball sauce. And there's a bunch of fucking people in the audience at one in the afternoon. And they're just staring at him like, what the fuck? The color of my ball sauce. And he's like, cut it, Jeff. Hit it again.

And Jeff is playing the piano and they're having a fucking great time. And I'm like, this guy, Jeff, hit it again. And Jeff is playing the piano and they're having a fucking great time. And I'm like, this guy. And we didn't talk. I stayed away from Andrew for a year and a half. Were you there when he was doing the thing where he would go on stage and not talk? Yes. Yes. For as long as you want.

He told me to go up there and not say a word for 10 minutes. And I'm like, come on, man. No, do it right now you guys i think i lasted like two and a half minutes like that he's so crazy he was he would he would do that all the time he was just having fun but he was having like it made himself laugh like he didn't give a like whether or not other people thought it was funny and if you think about what stand-up is at the end of the day is you making yourself laugh yeah because i've learned a lot since i haven't been doing stand-up okay i've learned a lot yeah think about shit you

process shit i haven't had a chance to process anything since i was 16 years old the last year and a half was just processing of what the fuck just happened. Right. I came out of college. I lost a child. I got married. And next thing you know, I'm at the fucking comedy store. And next thing you know, I'm with you.

And next thing you know, I'm with Adam Sandler. What the fuck just happened? How did this happen? I was a junkie. How the fuck did this happen? So the last, and I got to tell you something. How the fuck did this happen? So the last, and I got to tell you something, the people,

Mitzi Shaw was a genius from A to B, A to Z, from the three-minute audition to the fucking, you know, the 18-minute spots with a two-minute light. Yeah. Everything was just genius. Everything about what we went through was genius. Well, she had been around comedy in a time where the comedy club itself was a new thing. You know, like being married to a comic, like her husband Sammy was a comic, Pauly's dad, and she had been around comedy.

Like she knew comedy. She's like the most important figure in comedy that's not a comedian of all time don't you think yeah there's no one and dog if i would have listened to her from the beginning i would have been taken off from day one i didn't listen to her remember when she used to call you fat baby yeah and then she used to put on the lineup this fat baby was on the lineup and then she there was a photo of somebody grabbed a screenshot of a photo back when you were called Fat Baby.

I used to talk with her all the time, man. It was the best chats. Oh, Fat Baby. Oh, you have to dress up like Fidel and go on stage. And I would go, I'm not dressing up like Fidel where I come from they're anti-fucking revolutionaries if they see that picture

maybe with a Fidel suit I ain't making it back I can't go back to Jersey yeah yeah you can't do that but just every you know just like Fidel

is such a crazy yeah dress like Fidel and go up there on Sunday nights there it is Just like Fidel and go up there on Sunday nights. There it is. Fat baby.

Look at that. 12-15 spot. Look at that lineup. Look at that. Wow. Aaron Cater, Bobby Lee, Argus Hamilton. Argus Hamilton's still throwing it down. How about that? Rick Ingram, Shay Mitosh, Sam Tripoli, Sklar Brothers.

Burns is really fucking putting the pieces together. Kurt Fox, Maz Jobrani. He's out there still. I love Maz Jobrani. Brian Holtzman. Did Brian go back? He's back and forth. Okay, so he's back and forth.

Good. Yeah, he's, I mean, we had the situation with the club where the first club spot we had was no good. So we had to bail and get a new spot. And that just took so much time. This whole process of setting up a comedy club has been really fascinating. Yeah, people think you just throw three bricks up. No, you've got to.

It takes time. But fortunately, we've been able to work here at Vulcan and have a good time and doing road gigs. And it's fun. We're having fun. Tony Inchcliffe's out here killing it. Got a lot of guys that have been rotating in and out of town. Brian Simpson comes down a lot. Derek Poston's here now.

David Lucas is here all the time. Adam Segura's here. Yeah, Tom Segura's been killing it. Killing it lately. That guy's got a crazy schedule. His schedule's out of control. He's gone for broke, that motherfucker. But he's got an endgame. He's been killing it. Killing it lately. That guy's got a crazy schedule. His schedule's out of control. He's gone for broke, that motherfucker. But he's got an endgame.

He's got a plan. Him and Burt and all those guys. He's tight. His act is tight as fuck. We did some arenas together. He came with me with some of the Chappelle shows, too. He's murdering, bro. Murdering.

He's murdering. He doesn't want to shoot a special or anything, he told me. No? Like, no. I go, when are you shooting a Netflix? He goes, I don't know. Well, you know what, man? He's just. He doesn't want to shoot a special anything. He told me no like I go What are you shooting a Netflix? I don't know well. You know what man. He's just enjoying himself He's got a nice studio out here now. They're all set up you see they put video of they got us a set Let the set just set up for two bears one cave with him and Chrysler So that's a set and your mom's house is a set they got multiple sets you go over there

It's like a production studio. And Bert's down here a lot. Bert's down here, I think, once a week. I think he's coming in once a week. If not once a week, he's most certainly coming in once a month because they film that show together and Bert just flies in. Bert's an animal. He doesn't give a fuck about traveling.

He doesn't give a fuck. He is one of the nicest fucking human beings I've ever met in my life. If Bert has a bad thing to say about you, that's not good, man. That's not a good sign. He is so nice. We had a nice little family up there, man. Yeah. We had a nice little family up there.

You know, Bert lived around the corner from me, man, and I got to just see him in action. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. Ari's doing great. He's doing a lot better than he was doing. Yeah. He great guy. He's a great guy. Ari's doing great. He's doing a lot better than he was doing. Yeah. He started turning up the heat a little bit,

doing some more podcasting shit. Yeah. Ari, yoga with Ari. Yeah. Yeah, Ari's doing a lot of great shit. We do a podcast together with Mark Norman and Shane Gillis and Ari and me. We do it like once a month.

We'll be doing it once a month. We were going to call it the cuddle party, but then it became protect our parks because Ari kept talking about some park in New York City that was going to get taken out, and it got taken out after he talked about it. Apparently, people didn't want it, but it didn't matter. What was the parking in, Jamie?

Do you remember? It was a big deal. He was very upset about this park, so Shane Gillis changed the name of our text group to protect our parks. So that's kind of what the podcast is called. But it's a wild podcast. Four of us just get lit. We just get lit and talk shit for hours.

I don't even see anybody that talks shit. You got to make it happen. You make those encounters happen. You got to make time to hang out with people. Let me tell you something. I hate driving into New York City. Yeah. I don't drive it either.

No, I wouldn't. It's brutal. But that's one of the reasons why I set up out here is that I knew there's a lot of people I can hang out with. It's brutal. Yeah. That hour is a lot. I went when I went to visit you when we were in the city for the UFC and then I came out to visit you. That was a long-ass drive.

And then we went to play pool down in, what was that town? It's like a couple towns over from you. And fucking Edison got some good places to eat too. Yeah? They took me to a place there. My neighbors, you know, again, I was just happy to be around Italians again. You don't understand.

I feel a lot more comfortable around Italians, a couple Irish, a couple brothers. I'm good. Maybe a Chinese family. I just think you didn't want to be around Hollywood anymore. I don't think it has to do with nationalities. Oh, no, no, no, no. It was LA. I'm just joking anymore. I don't think it has to do with nationalities. No, no, no, no, no.

It was LA. I'm just joking around. I know, but you were always a guy, like before all of us, that was sick of like that system, the Hollywood system. You were always making fun of the agents that would come around that would promise you the moon and all these executives and all these people that would come around and watch shows, and hee-hee, and ha-ha. You hated all that shit. You always hated all that shit. You know what, man? It was good for a period of time, and then we all figured out what we were going to become. Once you realize the direction you want to take this, and you were the leader of that.

People going, I don't want to act anymore. I don't want to play the piano no more. This is what I want to do. i want to do a stand-up i got i loved what happened listen man i i was locked up and next you know i'm at the comedy store you know what that feels like you know i know being there which crazy fucking bill burr and b Brian and all these people so After a while it just got fucking old. It just got really old. I was I was too out of what to be honest Yeah, the main thing that I want to get I had too much of a comfort level Too comfortable just showing up there and doing sets just too comfortable It was too comfortable my whole life my whole life life revolved around a four-block area.

You know, my house, the office, jiu-jitsu, cryotherapy, the weed store. Don't you think there's just any kind of change like that is always good? Yes. Yes. It was 23 years. Yeah. 23 years there, two and a half in Seattle, 13 in Colorado, you know, a year and a half locked up. It was time.

Yeah. It was time to come home. It really was time. I didn't do it for any, just wanted to go home. I wanted my daughter to fucking see the things I saw as a kid, not North Jersey type shit. Mm-hmm. to fucking see the things I saw as a kid, not North Jersey type shit. But I want to, did you see that fucking special on that amusement park when we were kids from Verona, New Jersey?

What's the name of it? Action Park. No. They ended up calling it Class Action Park. That's terrible. You got to watch this. What happened? Was it an accident?

That's where we used to go when we were kids. Yeah, every time you were in there, they'd take you out of the neck brace. Fuck it when you were a kid, dog. Please, Jamie, if you find anything, a trailer. Dude, I was at a fucking one of those fairs that they would pull up in a parking lot. Look at this shit. When we were kids, you know. Jesus Christ, you're flying down these things.

How many kids got broken legs from this? Oh, my God. Every time you went there. If you went with eight kids, somebody was going down these things. How many kids got broken legs from this? Oh, my God. Every time you went there. If you went with eight kids, somebody was going down. The most dangerous amusement park. And in Vernon, New Jersey or Vernon, New York. Oh, my God. People are jumping off cliffs.

Whoa. You could drive race cars. Everything. What is this, bungee jumping? This was the 70s with the class action pool. That was like Palisade Amusement Park. It's a pool that's like a beach. Cops probe.

Look at this shit. Park accident. So people just got in accidents all the time. Oh, every other weekend. Look at it. Is that okay? Yes. Here's the question.

When I was a kid, I didn't go out to play. I went out to die. Big difference, okay? These little fucking half of fruitcakes today, they go out to play. I went out to die. Big difference, okay? These little fucking half of fruitcakes today, they go out to play. I went out to die. Remember you hugged your mother and shit like you hugged the good. Ma, I don't know. We're going to go rob a train.

I don't know what's going to happen. But look at this shit. This shit is so ridiculous. And New York had a ton of these when we were kids, from Tuxedo, New York, all the way down. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. Action Park. You got to watch it, Doc.

Why was this allowed to happen? So here's the question. If you could go, like, if guys are doing, like, BMX flips, you know, guys are practicing for those things, how many of those guys get hurt? A lot, right? How often do they get hurt? A lot right how often they get hurt well, why is it okay if they get hurt? but it's not okay if you go to a park where you're Reasonably certain you have a good chance of getting hurt Like if if it's basically people paying to have the same kind of risk factor as you would do if you were doing something else

Crazy, that's totally okay Like why can't you you know what I'm saying like you can get a BMX bike They can be a BMX bike. There can be a ramp. People know you're going to jump it. Everybody knows. That's fine. But is that more of a commitment?

Because you got a helmet, you got a bike, and you got the whole thing. Instead of just going to this place, this should be a place where it's fucking risky. Right? where it's fucking risky, right? This should be a – like if somebody had – if you had a lockdown solid contract where no matter what happened to you, you couldn't sue them, they could make a place like that again. But I don't think they would ever be able to hold one of those contracts in court. It's tough.

I remember watching – yeah, yeah. Oh, it's tremendous. But is it negligence? Yes. Oh, okay. If I remember correctly, there's it's tremendous. But is it negligence? Yes. Oh, okay. If I remember correctly, there's a lot of people telling them, you can't do this for kids, and people are like, give a fuck. It's the 80s.

We're doing coke. We're making money. Have fun. Party. But the jumping off cliffs, like that thing, like the fact that they had a cliff dive, like that's just crazy. They built a cliff dive, and people could just jump. Like if you hit, if your drive jumping off

Oh, this is the big thing that they remember The bridge where everybody would like get drunk and jump off of and people were getting hurt They're landing on each other all the time. Oh, of course. Look at that I can imagine that they would imagine people landed on each other on purpose I think that's part of it because they would cheer it'd be like'd be like you're the man for the five minutes of the summer day. That's a great way to break your neck. Someone flying and landing on you, that is a great way to break your neck. It's really good.

I think there's even a fictionalized version that Johnny Knoxville made. That's why he popped up in that thing. I don't remember what that's called. These places, it was the 70s late 70s early 80s or 70s i don't think the insurance regulations were as strict as they are today like they didn't have a fucking idea open up a park yeah whatever just give me 900 a month send us a check on the first they probably didn't have the kind of law what kind of places this is like seaside you know it nice. Couple little swings and shit.

Here's a question. When did the first lawsuits emerge? Like a civil lawsuit, like someone suing you because they did a thing and they got hurt and you get trampled at the circus or something like that. When did they start suing for things? Probably pretty recently. I want to say within the last 150 years, like a civil lawsuit. When did that start? I have to think that has to go back because America didn't make up law.

No. It's gone on a lot longer than that. America, did they wear the powdered wigs in the beginning like the English guys do? That's wild, right? the powdered wigs in the beginning like the English guys do? That's wild, right? The powdered wigs? They have to wear wigs when they judge things, right? I don't know how their system works, but I've seen many an image of court in England from back in the day, film of dudes with wigs on, like in our lifetime, right? I'm not imagining this, right?

What, 20 years ago? Yeah. Wasn't that long ago? I thought it was like Abe Lincoln and those guys. No, not in England, right? Didn't they sometimes wear those crazy wigs? They still do. They still do.

In England, yeah, yeah. I don't know if they ever did it here. Please, I need video footage of these judges wearing the wig in England. That's a crazy thing. Out of all the wacky traditions, wearing a wacky wig. Oh, yeah, yeah. Look at that.

They all wear these wacky wigs that are from the 1400s. This is bananas. What are those things called? Because that one looks more like a cloth than a wig. It's like it seems to have evolved right i it probably has a proper name but this just says like wig and it's just a way well it looks like it back then too and that one it looks like the same thing but it looks more like a cloth

like sometimes like that one if you go back what is that thing is that real that dude real see that looks like a rug like he's got a rug on his head like it looks it's woven like a carpet but what a strange tradition that the judges all have to dress like they're from a bygone era you know where all that wig shit happened what are all the uh wig shit in Europe where it came from? Syphilis. These dudes were all losing their hair because they all had the clap. It was terrible. Like syphilis is running rampant. That's where the term big wig came from because these really rich guys, I think they were brothers or cousins.

We've talked about this. It was in France. I tell you, it looks like he's got the clap. He looks worried. That dude, the prime minister, that fuck, Jezebel, whatever her name is. Justin Trudeau? That dude, no. That's the dude in Canada, ain't he?

Yeah. I'm talking about the one in England, the uncle. He's all chubby and shit. He was pissing on that young girl. He pulled an R. Kelly or something. I don't know. He don't look good lately.

That fucking dude don't look good at all. To be a royal and to be in a quagmire like that is probably very stressful. That whole trial was crazy. That whole Ghislaine Maxwell trial and the fact that, you know, you see photos of her, like, hanging out. She was at Clinton's wedding. That's not good.

Clinton's daughter's wedding. Was it Clinton's wedding? That's not good. Clinton's daughter's wedding. It's just like deep ties, deep intertwined ties. He's settled. Yeah, I know. I heard about that.

Yeah. Whatever that means. Gave her a lot of money. I know. Gave her a lot of money. We'll live in shady times, my friend. It's odd. It's such an odd time to be alive because there's like so much of it is transparent, you know? So much of it is transparent and so much of it is just, you know, we're off in a bad way.

You know how like you meet someone and like when you meet them, like maybe you're in a bad mood or maybe they're in a bad mood or maybe something shitty happens and so you get off to a bad start like right away with them it's hard to forget that and go back to just being cool with each other it's hard takes two people to want to do that it takes like you know you have to see the guy and reach out to him like have you ever had a friend like that? That like you had to reach out to them and have a conversation with them. The guy kidnapped. You know how hard that was? That's a different thing.

No. Think about it. Just apologizing is a motherfucker. It's a motherfucker. What I'm getting at is that this country is off in a bad way. And I think a lot of it came about during the Trump administration because the country was so polarized. There was such a big difference between the people that were happy that Trump was in office

and the people that thought that Trump being president is the end of civilization and it's the worst thing that can happen and he's going to cause nuclear war, he's an egomaniac and he's crazy and it's just like he's just a horrible person and we've got to get him out of office. And there was horrible person. And we've got to get him out of office. And there was a lot of people that just had to get him out of office. And then Biden wins. And then they wanted to make lists of all the people that supported Trump. So you could, you know, all the people that were that voted for Trump.

You never wanted to don't work with them, ostracize them from society. People are literally talking about making blacklists you know to like to ban people and then i think it's going to take a while before we realize like none of this is good for us like none of this is good for us none of this is good for anybody and this idea that like one guy's your guy and the other guy's not your guy and when he's in all the people that are up that are with him or your fucking enemy and when he's him everyone In in everyone who opposes him is you that you got to fight them off? Like this is crazy talk like we're all just people in this together and this

polarization that we're attached to right now with everything with everything we do with politics and with the With everything we do, with politics and with the environment and the way you eat and what you do and how you decide if someone's a boy or a girl and whether or not people should be able to compete in sports that match their gender and what are we going to do if the ocean levels rise? Everybody's got to stop. Settle down. Everybody's losing their fucking mind. We have way more in common than we do apart from each other We we we are way more often to get along than we are to dispute and yet people are only Concentrating on dispute. They're only concentrating on problems. There's so much good in the world right now

There's so much good. Are there bad things? Yes, of course there are. But if we just keep concentrating on only bad, we have a terrible view of everything. What's going on at airports on planes? We're fighting on planes. People are tense, man. Fucking fighting. Well, listen, we just went through two years,

and not only two years that were rough on this country and the world, but for some like a couple weeks ago it was christmas everybody was getting covid and my friend called me because i went to whatever they don't have tests but i just found out i'll never forget this he goes fortune office has them they want 40 a test and i go you know at the time i got off the phone i remember i was making like an egg salad sandwich and i, how much longer can the American public keep getting fucked? We just keep getting fucked the last three years. So there's going to be anger.

There's going to be anger. And people are not going to look at the good right now. They're going to look at the bad because they're angry. You know, they're fucking angry. They are. I think that the two-year pandemic created a mental health cycle in this country. I think that the people that you see now that are functioning and stuff, I think there's a little mental health issue with people.

It seems like people are out more now. When you look on Instagram, it's not pictures. It's humans coming at you. I think that two-year fucked us up as human beings. It was just too you get a different story every day. We don't know what's coming and what's going. Your kid's at home now. If they call, you have to keep your kid at home

for five fucking days and change your plans because they had a contact. You know, it's just been rough. So I hope that we start to heal a little bit. But I think that the last two years beat us up, man. Beat a lot of fucking people up. People are, they changed their lives. They changed their jobs.

They picked up and moved. You know, we're just, now it's talking about a war in Russia and Ukraine, Russia, you know. It's just been a weird three years. It's been a constant smack in the face. And that's what I feel. Because why do all these fights on planes all of a sudden? Well, I just think there's so many people that are tense. And when you force them to wear a mask on a plane

and some people don't want to comply, you get people angry already anyway. Like, hey, I'm doing it. You should fucking do it too. And then people get mad. Did you see the one where the lady is yelling at the man? She doesn't have a mask on. And she's yelling at the man to put his mask on.

And he calls her a piece of shit. And I think she smacks him. She smacks him. is yelling at the man she doesn't have a mask on and she's yelling to put his mask on and any you know he calls her a piece of and i think she smacks she smacks him now you could obviously tell she had three cocktails in it yeah she was a she was a crazy never drank yeah and then she drank on that plane altitude her up you ever been in a plane where a fight takes out a fight breaks out years ago yeah what happened it was not good had nothing to do with me thank god i was in um front uh the like two seats in front of these two guys and one guy put his bag above the other guy's seat see like when you get up from your chair and you go to the the bin above your head like you're supposed to do it on your side to this guy.

And this guy did it on the other side. He goes, hey, that's my bin. And he goes, no, it's not. It's first come, first serve. And he goes, no, I'm sitting here. That's my fucking bin. And he grabs the guy's bag to pull it out. And the guy's like, hey, fuck you.

Get your fucking hands off my back. And then the nurse or the nurse, the flight attendant, almost kicked him off the plane. And it got to this real tense thing when she wouldn't give either one of them alcohol. She's like no you're not drinking and you know They she's like I'll decide later if you drink like she decided that she was gonna like keep these guys from and I'm like I don't know if you're allowed to do that like is it up to the flight attendants discretion Are they like a bartender but can they cut you off? What's your option? I don't know. Get off the fucking plane.

Yeah, well, these guys, they did take off. The pilot talked to them. They did take off, and they never did anything. But it was like this moment. And this lady, she even said something to me like, are you going to help me? And I go, if things go sideways, I'll get up. I'm like, but I don't want to jump in like what am i going to do

you want me to hit somebody like i'm who do i hit what are you what i mean we're choke people i'm not getting sued like if if everything goes sideways i'll get up but even then i'm not i don't want to get like what are you supposed to do if two guys start swinging at each other who are you supposed to hit who's supposed to pull off what are you supposed to pull off? What are you supposed to do? Who's right? I think the guy who got mad is probably, he's got a point because the guy's putting his thing in his bin over his head. He's kind of got a point, but is it really a rule? Let me ask you a question.

Where were you flying out at? Do you remember? I don't remember. Okay, because I always found LAX to be the most troublesome fucking, if you fly out of there, and I'll give you a couple of examples. 2012, when you were shooting your special in Columbus. Remember I got out of there, the cops had me at the airport in Columbus, and I was weeding my balls.

The guy didn't want to press charges. That was 2009. 2009. Yeah. That was when the guy, the seat went back, and I asked the guy didn't want to press charges. That was 2009. 2009. Yeah. And that was when the guy, the seat went back, and I asked the guy, like a gentleman, I go, your seat broke. Can you just pull up a little bit?

And he goes, no. And I was like, and this guy's like a skinny worm. You know, like, he's not a tough guy. But that's that Hollywood bullshit. I'm cool. He must have been a writer for his show. In fact, the guy from The office was on that same flight. They would all go home on Fridays.

And I kicked the fucking thing. Then he turned the stewardess on me. He turned the whole plane on me. Meanwhile, I got an ounce of weed in my nutsack. And now the cops want to talk to me when I get off the fucking plane. Oh, no. Then I had two instances in LAX. The one was like a year before the pandemic.

Some guy, I get up. You know, you get up. I'm leaving fucking LAX at 5 in the morning. I don't want no drama. You know, they call my flight number, whatever. I board the plane. I go to my seat, and the guy's like, no, you're not sitting here. And I'm a little fucking stoned.

It's 5 in the morning. You know, I go, what do you mean? 1A, 1A. Yeah, he goes, no, no, no. Go sit somewhere else. I'm going to fucking stone. It's 5 in the morning. I go, what do you mean? I'm 1A, 1A. Yeah, he goes, no, no, no, go sit somewhere else. I'm going to sit with my friend. Oh, no. I go, listen, do me a favor. Get the fuck up.

And that's exactly how I said it. Just get the fuck up. I don't have time to hear this shit. He just looked at me. I go, get the fuck up. Just get the fuck up. And I popped my thing. I put my sleep apnea machine in there.

And he just looked at me like, wait. Those are the type of guys that go, you're being assaultive or abusive. No, I'm not. You told me to go sit somewhere else. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm your fucking houseboy. Like, I'm some fucking cat. Go sit somewhere else.

So I tell you to get the fuck up. There really are people like that. Yes. On planes? Yes. get the fuck up. There really are people like that. Yes! On planes? Yes! Get the fuck up. The people that were starting to drive me, listen, go to any fucking airport in the country, and you could tell

the gate that's going to LAX. You could tell. You just walk. Anybody. A fucking idiot. Pick out the gate that's going to LA. Look for service animals. And not just a cat, like a fucking fucking two dogs a chick holding her baby with the yoga mat You know, that's how you could tell the LA, you know, they're flying with a yoga mat What do you mean a yoga mat on the fucking plane for really that's how you can tell they don't just have service animals

They got three of them. I Was on the plane one time They had three fucking service animals. And she's telling the assistant to feed them. Take the peanuts so we can feed them to the dog. LAX is the weirdest fucking airport. People flying into there or flying out of there. You're always going to have some type of fucking. It's just a strange place where people go to get attention.

You go to be seen. You go to be a part of the machine that makes the entertainment. You know? Well, one time I was going to Newark. And I'm sitting in the aisle seat and there's two people next to me. I don't talk to nobody. The flight, great, on time. We land, the flight hits.

And I had the flip phone back then. You know, I don't know what year it is, 2006. I got a flip phone. I opened it up and I turned it on because somebody was going to pick me up. And I'll never forget that I heard, shut the phone off. And I go, and I look and there's two guys next to me. And the guy sitting by the window goes, put the phone away. And I go, what? He goes, put the phone away. Right now. And I go, I'm not putting shit away.

What the fuck are you talking about? And he had a, he was, they were Germans. They had a German accent. He said, put the phone away, like a Nazi. Oh boy. And I'm like, I really oppose that shit. I ain't putting fucking shit away. So I'm just sitting there, and the guy keeps talking.

So now I go, you know what? Let me call this motherfucker. The plane's still on the runway, and it's rolling. And I'm talking to my buddy. Yeah, I'll be out there in 10 minutes. And the guy's like, hang up the phone. And he goes, what's going on? I go, this fucking jerk off next to me.

I'll call you back. And I go, say another word. I go, you got the window seat. I'll kick you right through the fucking window. Look at the size of this fucking cow leg. All I have to do is get up, hold this seat, pick up this fucking knee, and I will kick you outside the fucking window. Then the stewardess came.

We had a conversation. Sure enough, the cops want to see us. So they let everybody else off, and now it's me and the two Germans. I'm sitting on one side. They're sitting on the other. She was a great stewardess. The cops come out on the plane. We walk out on the other. She was a great stewardess. The cops come out on the plane. We walk out to the front.

Cop turns around with fucking Newark. And he goes, what's going on here? I go, before anything, he's the fucking away team. I go, they're the fucking away team. They got no say in this. I go, I took my phone out, and he tells me to put it the fuck away like a boss, like a Nazi that he is. I go, and again, think about it.

They're the fucking away team, so what do you want to do here? Away team? Yeah, they're the fucking away team. What do you want to do here? And the cop goes, he's got a point. I'm going to walk with you to get your luggage. Walk behind us. He wouldn't let us.

He didn't arrest me. He didn't arrest them. But he walked us to luggage and make sure we were separated. It's funny when people get intense arguments like that on a plane, but I think a lot of it has to do with the stress level of being on a plane. You're nervous. You're going to die. That's the same thing with driving.

That's why people get road rage. You're in that car and you're going fast and everything is, what the fuck? Everything is heightened because of that. Those two guys yelling at each other over fucking space, the bin space above their seats. Like, they're probably freaking out. They're about to get on a goddamn plane. I was fucking high to the gill once getting out of Aspen Airport. And some guy cut me off.

And I swear to God, I was throwing everything I could at him. That's the last road rage I remember. Because when I got home and realized what I had done, I felt like such an asshole. The guy cut me off, but he cut me off on purpose. And they gave me like the finger or something. I'm 24 or something. So I'm like, pull over, you cocksucker. I'm throwing quarters at him.

And then I go in the glove compartment. I'm throwing the warranty book at him. But then there was a can of paint, touch-up paint. And I fucking whipped out his thing, and his window smashed. I had to pull the fuck away, and he tried to chase me, and that was it. I go, if I don't get arrested for that, I'll never do it again. My friend's wife gave a guy the finger the other day. She was walking in a parking lot, and a guy was coming toward,

and he wasn't stopping, and he finally stopped, and he looked at her, and she gave him the finger. And then she goes into the store. The guy parks the car and comes in his store and yells at her. He goes, come back out to the parking lot so I can finish the job. Telling her to come out to the parking lot so he could run her over. Like, that's how crazy people are. That's how tense people are.

Because you're supposed, you know, California law, right? That's where it was. Someone's in a crosswalk and they're walking. They have the right of way. You have to fucking hit the brakes, right? Like they're not supposed to jaywalk, but if it's like a stop sign or if it's like a parking lot or something like that, they're supposed to have the right of way. So as she's walking across the parking lot, technically she's in the right. And this guy came inside and said, come out to the parking lot so I can run you over.

Dude, there are people out there. There's people out like, there's a lot of crazy, ramped up, angry fucking people out there. A lot of pedestrians get hit this year. I'm sure. I know they're getting hit in Jersey because I just saw an article. In Jersey, you don't really give a fuck. The streets are so dark, you're like, fuck it. Nobody will see me. I had a bad day today at work.

We need to loosen people the fuck up. People need some goddamn exercise, Joey. Society's been getting beat up the last couple years, man. We had a chance. The government had a chance to tell people to really promote it to promote it all the time to say listen you want to all help help out here's one way that

would help everybody if everybody exercised if we all whatever you can do you don't have to do anything crazy but whatever you can do if you can exercise if everybody exercised we would drop so many of the problems that people have with stress, with anxiety, and then health, health benefits. It'd help you a lot. They never promoted it. They had a chance. They had a chance during this two years where everything was locked down. Well, we found out that like your health had a big impact on how well you did if you got sick and it's not just covid with everything it's a real opportunity people to say like hey look i know everybody's locked down for a while but here's something you can do like let's encourage like mark it down

right today i'm going to do 20 push-ups 20 sit-ups get a chin-up bar do 20 pull-ups too do whatever you can just run around around. Run around your backyard. Do jumping jacks. Do something. Get a jump rope. Jump rope's great cardio. Fucking real easy to do. Just sit there and jump a little rope.

Great for you. But nobody did anything. And while people got locked in their houses, they gained weight. A lot of kids gained weight. People got even more tense. People got like socially distraught. They felt disconnected from their family and friends. They get scared to visit their mom.

Maybe their mom's older. They don't know if they have it. Especially people that have a hard time getting tested. That's a sketchy, like you don't know. You wake up one morning, you feel kind of shitty. You're like, maybe I have COVID or maybe I'm just tired. I don't know. Like maybe I shouldn't see my mom.

Maybe I shouldn't. Shit. That's real life for people. For fucking two years. It's really weird when you look at your life and you think you're living a pretty good life and then you reexamine it. That's the other thing that happened. When I left L.A., I was doing a lot of shit that just was, you know, eight to ten espressos a day. That's just right there.

Jesus. That's just start there. Jesus. Let's just start there. That's a lot. You know, a cup of coffee for breakfast, two espressos. Come home, work out, do whatever, two more espressos at five, and then I would drink four before the comedy store. Four? For four of you people that thought,

Joey's got a lot of energy. He must be doing blow. Dog. It's four fucking espressos, and here's the other secret. Then I would run home. Everybody thought I was leaving the store because I had to go do something. No, I had to catch Starbucks.

It closes at midnight, you dumb motherfuckers. So Tuesday nights, I always left because of Joe's Pizza. My gift to me, if I did good during the week working out was I would go to Joe's on Tuesday at the Tripoli show and the original and get a slice of pizza. Where's Joe's? On Hollywood Boulevard. Great little pizza.

Where in Hollywood Boulevard? Wilcox, around that area. Selma. No, not Selma. Wilcox and Hollywood Boulevard. It's next to like a little... They have one in the Valley too. Not bad, not bad. I discovered it towards the end. Nobody was,

it was good pizza towards the end. So I would go there on Tuesdays and then I would stop up there because in Studio City, the fucking thing would stay open until midnight to drive through and I would get a grande flat white. At midnight?

At midnight. 10 to midnight. That's like 200 milligrams of caffeine, right? Drink it before I walk in the house. And then I have to smoke pot until I got tired. Why did you just not have the coffee? Do you know what? Because that's not a challenge.

Any idiot can just go home and go to bed. When did you do your writing? In the morning. In the morning? Yeah. The night. Listen, when you drink eight expressos, go to the comedy. When I would come back from the comedy store, I'd make adjustments.

Try to do this joke from a different perspective. Take the fuck out of there. Put the pussy here. You know what I'm saying? That's the only thing I would do. I would never rewrite anything because whatever you rewrite is shit in the morning once i put two or three bong hits in me and 10 edibles whatever i'm writing is fucking harry potter the next morning i'm like i didn't know i was a writer for harry potter none of this is funny and it's all fucking mystic shit

i find that i have ideas at night and i don't maybe I don't have like a full premise But I got an idea You know there's something there. There's something you know you know how you have those ideas like there's something on this one There's something on this subject. I'm just gonna write just write down the head the heading of it and just Revise it in the morning or look at it the next day. Or give it a few days. I usually give it a few days to air. Yeah. And just see what, you know, it's like opening up a bottle of wine. They say you got to air it.

Same thing with a joke sometimes. Sometimes it's just writing. You know, sometimes it's just the act of sitting down and doing it. And then in the process, a new idea sparks. Like you can't always just, you can't think that you have an idea already and that's the only way you can't think that you have an idea already and that's the only way you can have an idea like every idea comes from somewhere and the best way to get them out of my head seems to be to make them come out like to sit down and just write

and a lot of it's bullshit it's nonsense that's the morning journal in my world i do it more at night i think that's the morning journal i got a new thing I get my coffee in the morning and I go outside. Yeah, I don't care how cold it is Really? Why do you like it outside because I could drink that cup of coffee outside. That's cryotherapy. That's For years Joey, if I got you an ice bath, would you use it? Yeah, would you yeah? Yeah Therapy by me, but it's got not the head the head stays. I'm telling you, the ice bath, that's the motherfucker. Cryotherapy is easy in comparison. Cryotherapy I used to do was like 250 degrees below zero for three minutes, and I would just be in there freezing my dick off, and it's real.

It really does something for you, 100%. And I think the full with the head in is amazing. And the feeling that you get, like the rush that you get is wild. But there's something about the cold plunge that seems even harder because you have to breathe through it. You know, you're in there, you're breathing. You're like... You're all tense and shit and you're trying to calm down.

And your whole body's like, get me the fuck out of here. This is 33 degrees, stupid. The fuck are you doing? There's ice floating in this thing and you're just sitting there breathing. But when you get out of it, it's like when the blood rushes back to your muscles, oh my God, you feel amazing. But your head feels amazing too. It's like it does something for your brain. It helps alleviate tension. It makes you feel amazing. But your head feels amazing, too. It's like it does something for your brain. It helps alleviate tension.

It makes you feel good. Something about the cold there. Something about cold. There's something about it. Yeah. First time I discovered cold outside or anything like that was the master swimming program in Boulder. Because it's year-round, and it's outside. They swim outside in the middle of the winter?

Yeah. You didn't know that? The pool is heated. Oh, okay. But the fucking- The walk to the pool is not. The walk to the pool is not. They would shovel the snow for you.

You'd have your slippers on and it's nice. And she would say, watch, there's salt down. That's all fucking winter along with it. But that little walk for me would do something i don't know what it would do i can't lie to you i have a question that i've always wanted i keep forgetting about this how bad is chlorine in the pool for your skin like when you get a guy like a michael phelps or something like that as a professional swimmer and they're swimming every day like what is it dries your skin destroys your fucking head dude because i did

it last summer yeah i was i joined the pool my hometown i was there every fucking day pool great exercise let me tell you something i love the pool i would spend i would go there but i would go to the gym do all my shit around the house podcast and i would go there from two to six and sit on the other side of the sun. They play fucking Sinatra, Bon Jovi, all New Jersey shit. Tons of Frankie Valli at this motherfucker. Tremendous. You know, and my daughter would swim all day at her camp, so she didn't want to meet me there.

Sometimes I'd have my wife meet me there at six. But that pool brought me back. I would sit there with my fucking socks off, just rolling my feet in the grass, the fungi toenail in the grass. And there was a kid in there. I swear to God, the thing that impressed me the most was, they had three or four pools.

They got a basketball court. They make heroes there. Oh, you could deliver pizza there. You could get anyone, Daninos, Carlo, all those fucking pizza places to deliver that. But this is what I liked about it. If you went like before two, Joe, it was guys barely keeping it together. 60 and up. And you got to see these motherfuckers swim.

They're like, what do you call those people? You told me once they're like Nate Diaz, he's a whatever. Triathlon? No, they're only good at one thing. Oh, a specialist? No, an idiot savant. These fucking guys were old, and they fucking go in there. They got the paddles on their hands.

I became friends with one of the guys, Larry. He's 71, retired stockbroker. So I started talking to him, and he started telling me, because I would tell him, the pool is cold. He's like, you're fucking Cuban. Get the fuck in there. So I started talking to him and he started telling me because i would tell him the pool is cold he's like you're cuban you know get the in there so i started swimming with him and but there was a guy in the pool that's autistic and i would talk to him every day because i thought it was cool like just to talk to him he's a lonely guy yeah and one day he's like have you ever gone to an orgy and he goes i got my dick sucked one and he

started telling me about all this how he did blow how he smoked weed how he goes, I got my dick sucked one and he started telling me about all this shit, how he did blow how he smoked weed, how he goes to Atlantic City and gambles and shit and I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? He goes, I was a lifeguard here when I was a kid. I had a threesome in the back with two lifeguards. Oh Jesus, how old was he? He's gotta be 34. Great kid

heavy kid. This motherfucker would start swimming at 9 in the morning he wouldn't get out till 6 and then he would wait for the sandwiches to drop prices like at 5 they start going we're gonna close at 6 sandwiches are 50% off and they

buy one get one free and then he would buy the one for 50% off then they would go it's a quarter to 6 buy one get one free and he'd go god damn it and I'd go go get your fucking sandwich cause they just ripped you off. Because he would get all fired up because of the 50 fucking percent off instead of buy one, get one free. But towards the end of the summer, he's like, do you know how to get marijuana?

So I started bringing him my fucking reefer. 35%, 37%. I would roll a joint and give it to him and go, don't smoke this on the property. Smoke this when you get out. The next day, he would come right to me. Man, that stuff was fantastic. I smoked it with a cigar and a bottle of wine. He was a cigar dude.

$30 cigars. Then I started giving him edibles, and I didn't see him no more. Towards the end of the summer, I didn't see him no more. I want to be real clear. It's your words, not mine. When you said, I called Nick Diaz an idiot savant. No.

I definitely did not say that. It could be misconstrued. Yeah, no, no. I don't mean it like that. Those are your words. I didn't mean it like that. Nick knows I'm a big fan of his. No.

You meant like he's a focused person. He's a focused, yeah. Well, when you get great at anything, anybody that's at a high level in anything has to be obsessed. You have to be obsessed with that thing. And if you have the kind of mind that can just focus on one thing, whatever it is, surfing, whatever it is, like there's people that could just focus on one thing. And they're just not a regular person in that. Like, they have the ability.

There's people that have ability to just continually do something, to get it better and better and better, past all the stress, past all the anxiety, past all the shit that's involved in it. And then with fighting, it's also the danger. And then the injuries. You're getting cut up. Like, both the Diaz brothers have massive scar tissue because they've just been in so many wars.

I really got to hand it to those savages because they really are savages. Yeah. They're doing, you know, they've been at it for years, man. Years. And they'll still come back and fight, whether, you know, whatever. I don't want them to. I mean, it seemed like Nick's last.

Not Nate. Nate's still active and Nate's still awesome. you know whatever i don't want them to i mean it seemed like nick's i'm not nate nate i'm nate still active and nate still awesome i mean nate almost knocked out leon edwards in the fifth round of a crazy fight i mean he hurt him bad in that fifth round nate still at the top of the food chain but you know nick had one fight back against robbie lawler and it just didn't necessarily look like he was doing it because he wanted to fight. He was doing it because he probably needed some money. You know, and that's the thing that you hate to see for any fighter. You know, you want to see the Nick Diaz when he was Strikeforce champion.

The Nick Diaz when, you know, I mean, he was fucking amazing, dude. Like, a lot of people forgot the Strikeforce days. Like, when he armbarred Cyborg. Like, we had that war with Paul Daly. When he had, like, had like mean Nick Diaz when he beat up Frank Shamrock I mean Nick Diaz was a motherfucker in those days and he had crazy cardio man he would put a pace on guys and they just withered they couldn't take it he would just start beating guys up he would put

that pace on he did it to BJ Penn the UFC I mean he would put that pace on you and you're like whoa he would just start wailing on guys They could not keep up you're always backing up and you can't breathe because he's always punching at you You never get a full breath. You never get that moment where you pose in looking at each other There's none of that. This is just in your face constantly You're trying to breathe you just getting popped over and over and over again You got to be a special person to be able to do that. You've got to be obsessed, like full-on locked in. And when you're not, you shouldn't do it anymore.

That's the thing with a lot of these guys, unfortunately. We were talking about BJ or any of these guys. When they get past their prime and then they're still competing, you get a distorted sense of who they are. A lot of fighters, that's how they go out. You get a distorted sense of who they are. But that's a lot of fighters. That's how they go out, man. They don't want to accept it. They don't want to accept that it's over.

You can't tell them that it's time to go. How can you? You can't tell them. Because some guys are still good. Like, look at fucking Anderson Silva. He knocked out Tito Ortiz in that boxing match. Beat Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. That guy's a world champion.

That guy's a legit world champion boxer. He beat him, and Tito, the Tito knockout was incredible. Like, Anderson's in his 40s, deep in his 40s, and he's still, I mean, he's not just fighting at a high level as a boxer, but I wonder, like, if Anderson had started his career as a boxer instead of a Muay Thai fighter and became a UFC champion, like, he might have been one of the greatest boxers ever. Like, Anderson's that good of a fighter that he's so good with his hands. And he was so elite when he was in his prime.

You think that level of elite, like, when he knocked out Vitor, he could be good at anything. He could have been great at soccer anything he could have been great at soccer he could have been great at like any sport he chose it was he hit this this level of excellence and the idea that he did it in you know UFC and MMA but he couldn't have done it I think he could have done it in boxing I think he could have been like an elite world champion as a boxer I think he's that good. I really wonder, because it's hard to tell, because he's in his 40s.

It's hard to tell, but he's so good now. I mean, it makes me think, like, what would he have been like if he, you know, just from the beginning of his career, just did nothing but boxing? I thought he was really natural with his hands. Like, I thought he was really, when I seen him beat, because I became a fan of his after Chris Levin. Yeah. Like I just happened to be watching that fight that night.

And I always thought he had good hands. He had good accuracy it seemed like. Oh, amazing. Yeah. So, yeah, he could have probably been a great boxer, especially with what's going on now. You don't really know who's boxing anymore. He was one of the recipients of one of the first,

not the first heel hooks in MMA, but the first flying heel hook. There was a dude named Rio Chonan. And Rio Chonan, he used to train with Mayhem. Yes, I remember him. And Rampage, I think, too. See if you can find Rio Chonan taps out Anderson Silva. That's the only loss he had, Anderson, right?

For a long time. Yes. Rio Chonan. Man, I think that's it. Yeah, so look at it Watch what Rio does it's so wild. He does some shit that only takes place in movies for the most part He died like a pro wrestling move almost like dives a scissor hold and now at the time you have to realize how? Incredible this is and he catches him in an inside heel hook, which is the nastiest heel hook and the way he does it it's like look how he sets it up it's beautiful it goes across like that and that's like massive torque on the knee from that position it's horrific but see you got guys now that are like really high level leg lockers and you see them entering into the UFC and but it was

kind of rare for a long time. And this is pride. I want to say that fight was, I want to say that was 2003 or 2004. What year was that? New Year's Eve of 2004. See? And during those days, there wasn't a lot of leg lock submissions in MMA. It was kind of rare. And then there was a few guys,

and then Husamar Paul Harris came around, and Paul Harris started ripping people's legs apart. He was the first guy that I could remember ever in the UFC where people were absolutely terrified to fight him because they thought they were going to get crippled. Husamar Paul Hares was so good at leg locks, and he was my height, but four feet wider. He was built like a tree. They called him Tree Trunk. His nickname was Toquino. I guess that means tree trunk. This motherfucker would grab your leg so quick with heel hooks and then not let go when you tapped that was the problem he was also the first guy that i know of that won that won a fight and got released from the ufc

yeah that um he was doing that with a lot of dudes he was tearing apart their knees he he just would dive on these he Look at the fucking muscle on that guy. And he was at 185. And, I mean, maybe he was 5'8", maybe. Those are the decade days, though. Oh, my God. This is pre-Usada. Oh, my God.

He is so swole. That picture of him right there at the top, Jamie, the big one, look at the size of that guy. And the fact that he was just a terrifying grappler. Just terrifying. Look at that right bicep. That's Franco Colombo. Fucking huge.

See if you can find a video of Paul Harris tapping people. Because there's probably like a highlights. See if there's like a highlights. Yeah. It's 10 submissions. He was so terrifying because everybody was scared of the legs. Because he would get your legs. Look, and he was so goddamn strong.

Look at this fight. He's tapping. He won't let go. He's still hanging on. There was a few guys like that. And he also did that when he left the UFC. He did it to Jake Shields. And I guess it's the PFL now.

I don't remember what they called it back then. But he got Jake Shields, I think, in a Kimura and wouldn't let go. That's Mike Price, right? Mike Pierce. Mike Pierce, yeah. There was a few of those. This is a nasty one. Mike Pierce. Mike Pierce, yeah. There was a few of those. This was a nasty one.

He mangled a lot of dudes' legs, man. And that was the thing about him is it wasn't just that he had wicked technique, because he definitely did, but it was also that. Look at that. That's a great. Yeah. Oh, dude, he just would mangle guys' legs. And you'd lock your shit up and you like tap tap tap see doesn't wanna let go He

Was so strong it was amazing technique and ridiculously strong He was so fucking strong that he would get a hold of guys and it would they would just be in terror Cuz they knew they're gonna have to get knee surgery You're like if you don't tap and even if you do tap, he's gonna hang on a couple of seconds. Yikes. Fuck that, dog. Yeah. I go to jujitsu, they teach, I know the heel hook.

That's it, I won't get into anything else. That's the only thing they teach at core. It's like the core program. And then he's got the blue belt program. And that, I don't even wanna learn. The one when you grab the arm and go back and put your leg over, that's it. That's good enough, Uncle Joey.

Everything else is bad. I don't want to know. I will never go for your legs. I'd rather you get me an arm bar or something. Don't fuck with my... You won't touch my foot anyway. Once you see that fucking guy's toenail, once you get a whiff of that motherfucker, you're in no danger.

How did we get to talking about Pajaras? What were we talking about? Who the fuck knows? Heel hooks, the UFC. Anderson Silva. Oh, Rio Chonan. Yeah, Rio Chonan. Rio Chonan with that flying scissors.

Flying scissor takedown to Hill Hooks. I used to always see him at Justin Fortune's gym. He used to go in there. Yeah, he used to go in there with Mayhem. Mayhem, oh yeah. And they were like buddies and they would just abuse each other. Oh, they beat the fuck out of each other. It was tremendous to watch.

That was great. Yeah, all those guys did hard sparring sessions. All those old school guys that were like the real pioneers mayhem at one point in time was fucking elite i remember i called mayhem after he beat sakuraba and i go bro you just ran through sakuraba do you know how crazy that is i go i know this is like sakuraba of like, I forget what year it was. I want to say it was like 2005. See if you find Mayhem versus Sakuraba. Because I was like, dude, you submitted Sakuraba. Like, and he beat him up. It was like super, super professional performance.

And I remember saying like, Mayhem, like you're at the top of the fucking food chain right now. Because he had crazy cardio for days. He had crazy work ethic. And in this fight, this was a big fight for him where he really put it together against an elite guy. And this is probably, in my opinion, this is Mayhem's finest performance because he was fighting a guy who in Sakuraba,

the Gracie killer, was just, you know, I mean, he armbarred Conan Silvera. He broke Henzo's arm. I mean, he armbar Conan Silvera. He broke Henzo's arm. I mean, Sakuraba was a bad motherfucker. And Jason picked him apart standing and then got him down and submitted him. And it was a big fight for Jason because it was in Japan, gigantic stadium. And when he submitted him, like hear this this like picking him apart from the standing big ground and pound i mean this is like elite level level stuff and see sakuraba goes for the

leg here but mayhem was a high level grappler like getting a hold of his leg was no fucking picnic like good luck dude and now you gave up your back so he got his back here and he starts beating him up i mean like when you know the level of grappling that Sakuraba had, and again, this probably was Sakuraba like a little past his prime, but if you know the level of grappling that Sakuraba had, to watch Mayhem like do this and pose and do the fucking hook'em horns in the middle of the fight and just beat the shit out of Sakuraba and then eventually submit him.

So he softens him up with punches until Sakuraba and then eventually submit him. So he softens him up with punches until Sakuraba gets into a position where he can submit him. I mean, he is pounding Sakuraba out and then he gets to the arm triangle. Here's the arm triangle and mayhem's arm triangle. I've been trapped in this before. It's death, fucking death. It's so good, dude. And it's just perfectly placed to see Sakuraba tap like that, I remember calling him up and I said, dude, that's some elite shit. You hit some samurai mode. You hit your stride.

Because it wasn't just who he beat, it was how he did it. It was a big deal. You know those older guys, past their prime, whatever, when they come from a wrestling or like a jiu-jitsu base, they're stronger than fuck.

Oh, my God. There's a guy at my gym, basic training. He's 58. He was a college wrestler. The other day he was just talking to one of the Russian guys that was also a wrestler, and he just was showing the guy something. He goes, Joey, come here. Let me show you something.

Bro, he just grabbed behind my neck. I thought I was going to die. The grip strength he had. He's a tiny guy. He's 58. Dude, I met going to die. The grip strength he had. He's a tiny guy. He's 58. Dude, I met this guy. His last name is Laurie. He's Lex Friedman's buddy

who is a world champion arm wrestler. Sorry, I can't remember. I don't want to fuck his name up. He's a world champion arm wrestler and I'm telling you this guy had the biggest fucking hands I've ever felt in my life let me find his name here devin laura it is devin how do you say it's devin laureate right laura l-a-r-r-a-t-t

yes i knew his brother too i knew his brother back in the day his brother used to run this uh body modification extreme website where dudes get like bolts put in their head and shit and slit their tongue down the middle. You know, dudes did that. His brother run that website. And I'm telling you, he has the biggest hands I've ever experienced in my life. They don't even make any sense. Maybe Shaq has bigger hands like longer. But this dude's hands were like catcher's mitts.

They were so big. Like you're shaking his hand. You're like, I guess I'm shaking so big like you're shaking his hand you're like I guess I'm shaking it. I'm kind of shaking your hand I'm just putting my hand out there into the abyss of what your hand is like this just fucking mitt Just gigantic some professional arm wrestler. Yeah professional arm wrestler. That's the dude To be so big he's so big it's preposterous and i'm like hey man you ever do jujitsu

because you would fucking murder at it i guess he did uh judo when he was younger but he's on lex friedman's podcast he's a very interesting guy he's not just uh like a big giant guy he's a very smart guy too which is i'm always uh fascinated by because there's like a lot of brutes out there like josh barnett's another great example that he's a brute you know youngest ever ufc heavyweight champion just gigantic man but very thoughtful very introspective very um he examines ideas carefully and will give you a well thought out analysis of them like you can ask him about stuff like, what do you think about this? What do you think about the Canadian truck convoy

that's in Ottawa? And he'll give you a well thought out sort of dissection of what's going on with it. I love when there's a guy like that. I think we're gonna do that here on Super Bowl Sunday. What do you mean? The truckers were gonna get together on Super Bowl Sunday. I thought they were going to do that here on Super Bowl Sunday. Who do you mean? The truckers were going to get together on Super Bowl Sunday. I heard they were going to go to L.A. Yeah.

I heard they were going to go from L.A. and they're going to drive all the way to Washington, D.C. I don't know. If they had the GoFundMe, they have $10 million. Yeah. $10 million. Wow. Wow. Yeah.

Did they refund people's money or did they just take it? They tried to take it. GoFundMe tried to just give it out to various, I think they said they were going to give it out to various charities and then they changed their mind upon severe backlash where people were furious. Like they didn't donate money to any charity, they donated money to the Canadian truckers. You're supposed to give it to them. And so then they,

I don't know, maybe they're deciding that that's a criminal enterprise. They're refunding all money. Now they are. But initially, what were they going to do with it? I think I did read that they were going to pick a charity or something like that. You can't do that. You can't just take people's money and give it to a fucking charity. Not only that, who gets to decide what charity? You?

There's a lot of charities where you find out how much money actually goes to the cause and it's very little. It's disgusting. They're gross. It's disgusting.

There's a bunch of charities like that. There's a bunch of causes that a lot of people got behind and then you find out like, oh, this is just like a way

for people to make money. I gotta be honest with you. I hope anybody that made me deter from giving, I have to do background now because I used to work for these dudes. I didn't know guys.

I fucking didn't know. I needed a job. I'm an open mic-er. I'm in Seattle. You need a fucking job. Yeah. And you sell, you know, police advertising. Right.

But when I quit, I found out that the guys aren't even working for the cops. They own this company that's called Police Friends or something. And what they do is all they were required to donate is like seven cents per dollar. Really? Meanwhile, these two jerkholes are driving BMWs that I was working for. Really? Yeah. Seven cents per dollar?

That's it. And if you start looking into other charities, see what fucking need to give and you'll your head will spin and then you find out the administration of costs Yeah, they want to make good drinking and yeah, they got a nice office and Sundays They go to fucking pliable and jump up and down So that's weird right because like they should be able to make something like if you're running the Red Cross or you run I don't mind, you know, You should make something. You should get paid. It better not be more than you're giving those people who you're

campaigning for. There's a website I think where you can look up the different charities and how much they give. And each charity has like a different percentage that they give to the crimes or to the crimes to the causes rather. And I think some of them are pretty good.

You know, some of them, they're probably funded by billionaires and shit, and so they have plenty of capital, and they don't necessarily, the money that comes in, they could give a lot of it to whatever the cause is. Because some people, they'll fund a philanthropic venture like that. They'll, you know, that's like a good, it's a good tax write-off. And it's also a good way for them to feel good about their money. Like Jeff Bezos' wife, his ex-wife does that. She's worth billions.

And she donates a shitload of money. Like she sets up stuff. And like that's a nice thing. That's a nice thing when you see people that are like really wealthy like that and very charitable. But you got to be careful. You've got to know where your money's going. You've got to know what you're doing. I don't mean to be a fucking, you know.

Some of these people have to donate for tax. Yes. No, you're being honest. Yeah, they do. They donate for taxes. You write a check, but you go, oh, yeah, but they're worth $200 million. Yeah. He writes a check, but you go, oh, yeah, but they're worth $200 million.

Yeah. You know, so. Elon, he has given a lot of taxes, or excuse me, a lot of, he's given a lot of charity money away this year. He gave something like $6 billion. Like, that thing that he was supposed to do about world hunger, they think that he actually did contribute that exact amount. I haven't asked him about it, but there was an article about it, about what he had said he was going to do. A large number of shares worth like $6 billion or something. Yeah, he donated that.

That guy's got shit piles of money. It's preposterous. I donate money from my Patreon every month. Do you? Yeah. Good for you. A little bit. When I started the Patreon, it was to help other comics during the pandemic that weren't working. That's why you did? Yeah. A little bit of that.

Just help people out. And then I just take a little... My daughter loves that St. Juge stuff. Okay, that's a good charity, right? That's a good charity because they took care of my niece when she had the cancer. Oh, yeah? So, yeah. Those are the things... Even a charity that gets, say, 10% of the money gets to the cause, that's still 10% of the cancer. Oh, yeah? So, yeah. Well, you've got to think, even a charity that, like, say 10% of the money gets to the cost,

that's still 10% of the money that wouldn't have gotten to the cost if those people didn't work at it. So it gets kind of weird, right? Like, there's a lot of charities that I'm sure, if you looked at the number, like how much of the money that comes in goes to administrative costs? Well, administrative costs are real. They really do cost something. Like, how else is it going to get paid? What percentage is normal though? What's a reasonable percentage? All right. If you have a

nonprofit, this is why I get pissed off. If you have a nonprofit, I got no beef with giving Joe Rogan a percentage of what I donate off the charity work. And you know what? The people who should be working for you should also be doing volunteer work. So if they get paid for 10 hours, they should do 20 hours. Stuff like that. So it's all volunteer from A to Z. What do you mean?

The charity people should be doing it for free? You know, you should be given 10 hours a week to that. If you're working at a charity, I think you should get paid. I don't think you should have to do it for free I don't think that no, but I like 20 hours you work for 40 you get something out of it I mean you donate some of your time also you're retired you're retired you need maybe fuck out of the house You know stuff like that. I could understand. I think it's reasonable to assume that they can do good and get paid. I think it's just they probably just need more people donating. It's just I don't know how much is normal.

Like what's a normal amount where a charity takes? Let's Google that, Jamie. What is a reasonable amount that a charity takes to administrative costs versus to the actual charitable cause? What do you guess? What's normal? $1,200? No, I mean, add a percentage. What percentage goes to the cause?

I feel... Like if you donate $100. Well, we have to be... You know, you have to be we have to be You know, you have rent you have Advantage of all that. Yeah, I'm an administrative fees. So I feel 50% Just to make me sleep at night 50% makes sense I give you a hundred fifties and they go to the kids I'm in that makes sense 50s for your office and all that stuff. I'm in. I could live with that.

What do you think it is, Jamie? I mean, I've already seen the numbers, but I can't, just in that time where you guys were talking, I couldn't get a good answer. I wasn't seeing anything from 15% to 75% for a different, like 15 is average admin cost. Why don't you just Google this phrase? What percentage of charitable donations actually go to the cause? It's giving me the same answer

for what I do. So it just varies so much? Yeah, again it depends and then What one gets 75% to the cause? It says the typical charity spends 75% of its budget on programs. So then museums are considered a charity in some situations.

So they might have to spend more for particular reasons. They might have security guards they have to pay and other charities don't. Right. That's a good point. It's like Hollywood accounting. They're going to make shit up. Hollywood accounting is wild. Hollywood accounting is wild.

So they're going to make shit up. When you hear people argue Hollywood accounting is wild, so they're going to make shit up. When you hear people argue in court about how much money a movie made, you're like, what? We lost money on this movie. That movie made $2 billion. What the fuck are you talking about? They find a way. They factor in advertising for other movies and shit into their budgets. I think they do some weird shit with numbers that infuriates people.

I'm glad I never had to experience that. Arguing with a bunch of lawyers about how much money your movie actually made versus how much, you know, how much you're supposed to get off the back end. They were arguing that with the Matrix movie that came out. The people, I think they were promised it was going to be in theaters, and HBO's like, we didn't promise it was going to be in the theater. Well, didn't Scarlett Johansson have a problem with that?

It's a very similar topic, yeah. That was with what movie was that? Black Widow. Black Widow. And they streamed it, and she missed out on all that money. Yeah, because of the contract. Yeah. That's what Tom Cruise's back end is too.

That's probably why they're waiting to put out Top Gun and all that stuff, because he gets money based off of ticket sales. It seems like people are back going to the movies though, right? I mean, Jackass and Spider-Man. Spider-Man. Destroyed. Destroyed, right? Isn't it one of the biggest movies of all time?

They didn't give a fuck about nothing. Yeah. Destroy it. Destroy it, right? Isn't it one of the biggest movies of all time? They didn't give a fuck about nothing. Yeah. Destroy it. So if you look at that, so you know the market's there. People are still going to the movies. So what are they waiting for? I feel like even those are going to both be on Paramount in the next probably 60 days, 35 days. They said in March.

I don't know the date for both of those. Those are the top two movies that were out are They're going to already be on streaming within 90 days of them coming out, maybe. Maybe a little bit more than that. Interesting. You just wait it out. Interesting. They got dumped on. The movie theater industry is really like AMC and all those chains. Oh, they're fucked. They're fucked.

A lot of them went under, right? Yeah. I didn't know this. They don't make a dime off the movie. They live off popcorn. Do they really? That's what I heard. I don't know how. They don't make a dime off the movie. They live off popcorn. Do they really? That's what I heard. I don't know how true it is. Really? What?

Yeah, that's why the food's so expensive. What? Yeah. They don't make a piece? They're like renting it or leasing it. Yeah, like all the ticket sales money goes to them. That's a good deal. Good deal for the movie company.

Yeah. That's a great deal. But the thing is, if you have a nice TV at home and you could just get it off of like Apple TV, wouldn't you rather? At this point in your life?

Maybe if it's a comedy movie, like we're talking about if someone's doing stand-up, you want to go to the movies and see it with a large crowd. I got to be honest with you. I'm with you on the live music and the live comedy

and oh i grew up in a movie theater i actually miss it when i see a commercial for a movie i cheer that it does well so i go to the movie theater and watch it and then you just hear the movie blows and you lost that opportunity to go to the movie theater that's hilarious i grew up in a movie theater we all know it's better to go to the fucking movies. Yeah. It's great. I walk in the movie, I take this,

I tell my wife where I'm gonna be, I take this phone, I shut it off, and I watch a little matinee movie. There's eight people in the movie theater in the afternoon. You're stoned to the gills.

Maybe you stop and get a little pork fried rice. So when you go in there, you don't think of nothing. You go in there, you get your little raisinets, and you watch a fucking movie. That's tremendous.

Now do it at home. Your daughter's gonna come in and ask you a question. Joey Dears is going to call you and ask you a question. You got to go to the bathroom so it's more accessible. Right. You want a soda, but your wife made you a sandwich. I'm going to go up and say, and you just lost it. There's been 10 movies I've watched in the last two years.

I don't know what the fuck happened. But yet, you watched the outlaw Josie Wales 30 times in a row. You know what the deal is with that motherfucking movie. You know what I'm saying? Listen. These are my words of life. And these are my words of death. Remember that scene?

Bro, I watch it once a month. Just to keep me fucking focused. Pull that scene up. Pull that scene up. Pull that scene up. The command chief talking to outlaw Josie Wales. That's a great scene. That movie's a great movie. It's a great movie.

There's a couple movies when I see it. Give me some volume on this shit. This motherfucker's bad too. This is my dog here. That guy should be in the Hall of Fame. Because he only did like three movies. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. This and White Comanche or something.

Really? Yeah, that's the Indian from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Look at him. This is a great fucking team. Fucking great team. It's a great team. This is a great fucking scene. Fucking great scene.

It's a great scene. This was like one of the first depictions of the Comanche in a movie that I can remember that was like a big movie. Scoot ahead till they talk, Jamie. I am Ten Bears. There it is. You'll be 10 bears I am 10 bears I'm Josie Wales I have heard you're the gray rider you would not make peace with the Bluecoats. You may go in peace. I reckon not. Got nowhere to go.

Then you will die. I came here to die with you. I want to die with you. I want to live with you. Dying ain't so hard for men like you and me. It's living that's hard. When all you've ever cared about has been butchered or raped. Governments don't live together. People live together.

Governments, you don't always get a fair word or a fair fight. Well, I've come here to give you either one or get either one from you. I came here like this so you'll know my word of death is true, and that my word of life is then true. The bear lives here, the wolf, the antelope, the Comanche. And so will we. And we'll only hunt what we need to live on, same as the Comanche does. And every spring, when the grass turns green and the Comanche moves north,

you can rest here in peace, butcher some of our cattle and jerk beef for the journey. The sign of the Comanche, that will be on our lodge. That's my word of life. And your word of death? It's here in my pistols, there in your rifles. I'm here for either one. These things you say we will have, we already have. That's true. I ain't promising you nothing extra. I'm just giving you life and you're giving me life. And I'm saying that men can live together without butchering one another. It's said that governments are achieved by the double tongues.

There is iron in your words of death for all Comanche to see. And so there is iron in your words of life. No signed paper can hold the iron it must come from men the words of ten bears carries the same iron of life and death it is good that warriors such as we meet in the struggle of life or death it shall be life. That's a great fucking song. That's a great one.

That's fucking tremendous. Great fucking... Now you know why I watch the fucking thing. This is... This makes you want to stab a motherfucker. Just his honesty. And what year was this? 76.

He had already done the four or five in Italy. Came back. And they finally made him a fucking star and this is just a masterpiece I think it's a fucking masterpiece masterpiece such a great movie and it's it was a sophisticated western it was like a western that had a great plot it had great acting like he went from the earlier spaghetti westerns and like evolved the art form and then came back and did the Unforgiven, which is the Coupe de Gras. That's a Coupe de Gras. That's it.

But those Italian movies he was making. Oh, they were great. He wouldn't watch them. Like I watched the show about a year ago. They would send them to him and they would send them in Italian. Oh, wow. So he didn't know what to fucking do. So he had to get them reprocessed at a movie theater here.

And then he could watch the movies. So they dubbed them in Italian? Yeah. Wow. They were all Italian. Wow. Wasn't it funny that they did all the Western movies in Italy? And they called them spaghetti Westerns.

Spaghetti Westerns. What was the name of that director? I don't know. Yeah, that motherfucker. How wild is that? The one dude obsessed with North American West culture in the 1800s. That was his obsession in those movies. They just found a thing, like a genre, that was like really perfect.

And with Clint Eastwood behind it, I mean, come on, man. We couldn't get enough. How many movies did he make where he was a cowboy in the West? For them, maybe five for the Italians. How many movies do you think he's made where he's a cowboy? Oh. Oh. It must be 20 movies.

How many movies has he made where he's a cowboy? I don't know. Find out. Sarah and the fucking horse. There's a lot. The four or five he made in Italy. And Sergio also did How the West Was Won with Bronson, with the horse. All that shit was him.

Wow. Bronson went over there too and became a star. And then he came back. That's why when you look at Clint Eastwood's, this is a fucking tremendous thing for you, Clint Eastwood and Charles Bronson's early payments, what they got for movies, when they came back to the States,

they came back with a fury a la Bruce Lee. Really? Bruce Lee would have lived. His paycheck would have been enormous. They came back stars. You didn't have to develop them. You know, I might sit here now and go, oh, I saw Wesley Snipes on Major League. That's great. You didn't see this

motherfucker. He was in Italy. He did a bunch of, like, him and all those guys did like, all those TV shows in the 60s, and then they went over there. Fucking became stars. Then came back back so bronson oh you had a did you see that thing they had a couple months ago about steve mcqueen's fucking contract no bro when he came into your fucking movie you were getting fucking raped really

everything your wife's shoes fucking i want I want toothbrushes. I want sunglasses. Find it online. If you could ever see Steve McQueen's writer, you will die. He was getting, well, he was getting $750 a movie, which is $3 million now. At least, right? And then Fucko was the one that went for the million dollar. Who's Fucko? Marlon Brando. He's like, you want me to do Superman? And he's six mil.

Really? Is that what he got for Superman? Yeah. That was the biggest check at that time for a flick. Wow. Because they counted the lines. It was like two scenes. And that's the movie that he wouldn't even fly back for.

He told him he'll read the script for $100,000. So he started fucking them from the beginning. Like, oh, you want me to read the script? Ah, I need $100,000. They he started fucking them from the beginning, like, oh, you want me to read the script? Ah, I need $100,000. They're like, what? That's unheard of. I think they also gave money for Apocalypse Now. That's why they got so pissed when he showed up

fucking fat as a horse. Yeah, they kept him in the dark. Yeah, they kept him in the dark and only showed his fucking head, because he said, I'll do it my way. I don't give a fuck. I'm cousins with Sinatra. I'm doing it how I want to fucking do it. Tremendous, all that, all those stories. When they went back, they went back give a fuck. I'm cousins with Sinatra. I'm doing it how I want to fucking do it. Tremendous, all that, all those stories.

When they went back, they went back with a vengeance. Bronson was just an asshole because he was pissed. They were pissed. That's why when I did that thing once, and they were talking about when they did the one with the seven, what's that movie called? Magnificent Seven? Yeah, the original Magnificent Seven.

All those American actors were furious. Why? Yul Brynner. Why were they pissed? Because who the fuck is Yul Brynner? This motherfucker was in some movie dancing with a hat on, and now you want to put him in a movie with us, and we're fucking gangsters.

This is McQueen, Bronson, James Coburn. These are like gangsters. So they're like George C.on, James Coburn. These were like gangsters. So they're like George C. Scott. So they're like, fuck it. We're going to torture Yul Bryn every night. So they would go to a Formosa. They'd get fucked up. And they'd call his room.

We're going to suck your dick. They had to fucking, the producers had to go talk to him. We had to give the guy a break. They were like, there's no way this guy's coming in and taking our work. Why did they have a problem with Yul Brynner? Because he was from another country. Where was he from? I don't know. Fucking Bulgaria. Who the fuck knows?

He's like a half a vampire. I don't know where the fuck he's from. I just know that when he did the Magnificent Seven, they were not happy. They were not happy. Interesting. They were not happy that he... Oh, the King and I. Oh, the King and I. They were like, how the fuck?

Magnificent Savage, he's over there dancing. He was great in Westworld. Bro, he was great in everything. That dude, there was some fucking, look, everybody's talking about the movies. We got no fucking savages. There's no more, what's that old dude when we were coming up? He played Neil de la Croce in the Gotti movie. He was the first, He was a Mexican dude.

Quinn, Anthony Quinn. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Those dudes were tough guys. I just saw Hunter and 10th Street. He was fucking great. Across Hunter and 10th Street when he's a cop in Harlem and shit. Tremendous. Those guys were savages.

We don't have savages no more. We got like little Broomhilders. That's why you were so impressed when you saw that savage Mick Jagger. Because he just brings it. That's what we, I studied that motherfucker because he's the perfect communicator. Mick Jagger? Oh, my God.

He's a conduit. He don't crack jokes, but he does crack jokes in between the sets. He does tell a few jokes. He's got local references and shit. Bro, when you watch Olé, Olé, Olé, that's what I was getting to. This motherfucker did a South American tour.

And the first thing he does when he lands is meet with a vocal coach so he can get the dialect from that city. Wow. And you watch him going in the vocal. You should have seen when he landed in Cuba. In Cuba, he came out there talking Cuban-Spanish. It was fucking beautiful. What did he say?

You know, what's going on? You know, whatever. I don't know what he said. Corneal. He gave a couple corneals. The audience went fucking bananas. Bro, Mick Jagger is great. That dude is great. And just the fact that he's he just, what, he went to Jamaica

to be with his 30-year-old wife. I know, not wild. He's got a baby with her. Yeah, he went to Florida from the tour. The tour ended. He went to Miami for two weeks. Bro, he's Biden's age and he's got a baby. No, he wild. Did you read that? He's got a baby with her. Yeah, he went to Florida from the tour. The tour ended. He went to Miami for two weeks. Bro, he's Biden's age and he's got a baby. No, he's a savage. What about he went to a club and he drank at the club for an hour and nobody knew it was him? Yeah.

What's this, Jamie? This is in Cuba? Yeah. Give me some more. in some Indian Kenya. Pienso que finalmente los tiempos están cambiando. Is that good? Es verdad, ¿no? Ahora, ahora,

esta canción. Notado. Look at that motherfucker. What year was this, Jamie? Does it say? I think it was right before the pandemic. 2018? Yeah. What year was this, Jamie? Does it say? I think it was... Right before the pandemic. 2018? Yeah.

They released this on Netflix. Oh, really? And it was... This is how smart Mick Jagger is. He released this. So they released this, and then a week later, they were going to go on tour.

That was the fucking thing of the tour. This was the fly-in to the tour. What happened? What? 1.2 million people, fly-in to the tour. What happened? 1.2 million people that played in Cuba? Yeah. What? Yeah.

1.2. Oh, my God. Yeah, dog. Look at the size of that crowd. People were flying down. This is 2016? Wow. That's amazing, man.

Joey, what would happen if Cuba was free I think I'd have to call you so you're gonna go down there and buy a big piece of it start a comedy club down there before they fucking you know before Starbucks we gotta get down there before Starbucks they're gonna want to tear everything down which takes the glamour away

you know I could see you putting Hilton and Four Seasons and you know the chains, but you got to leave that. Like, when you go to Puerto Rico, you go to Viejo San Juan. Yeah. Same thing.

You go to Old San Juan. The castles and all that shit. You know, people want to see that. These savages are going to go down there with bulldozers and just bulldoze everything. Yeah. That's part of the glamour. The charm.

The cube of the charm. Yeah. That's what I'm scared of. People that I know that have gone there, they've eaten in people's houses. Houses, yeah. Like people, like you pay them, you can come in their home and they'll cook for you. It's a new thing, yeah. And apparently it was amazing.

Tremendous. They're like, we went to this guy's house and his wife cooked for us. It was incredible. They gave us great hospitality. You treat it like it's a restaurant, but it's like a person's house. But he said it was amazing Cuban food. You find any Cuban nani in Austin?

Not yet. Really? No, I'm sure there is, though. That's crazy. There must be. Houston. Remember the Versailles place that we used to go to? Yeah, yeah.

In Encino? That place was fucking amazing. Versailles. With the chicken with onions and garlic with that lemon sauce. The garlic chicken. Yeah, it was good over there. Just covered in onions. You know how many times I've eaten Cuban food in Jersey since I've been there?

Oh, my God. Once. What? Really? What have you been eating? Italian? I just ate a little bit of everything. Like, dog, when you first get off the fucking plane, like, I had to devour the shit that I was missing for years,

which is Chinese and pizza. Like, everywhere you go. East Coast Chinese food is strong. Oh, my God. And the one down the corner, the one next to El Nido. It's right next to El Nido. Szechuan, whatever, Empire Szechuan. I always loved how consistent their spare ribs were.

Oh. The spare ribs were always, they had that, like, beautiful smoke ring on them, whatever the fuck they were using for barbecue sauce. Oh. Oh, Chinese spare ribs were. Oh. The spare ribs were always, they had that like beautiful smoke ring on them, whatever the fuck they were using for barbecue sauce. Oh. Oh, Chinese spare ribs.

Sensational. They give you the little fucking noodles to dump in the egg drop soup. When I lived in Boston, we used to love going to the Chinatown restaurants after the comedy clubs were closed

because they were open like late, late at night. You could get a great meal. You know, like seafood fried noodles. You get get a great meal. Seafood fried noodles. You get fried noodles with calamari and different kinds of fish in it and shit and clams. It was amazing.

And scallops. And you're eating like a king at 1 o'clock in the morning. They had fish tanks. I can't eat late at night. I know the one that Ari and those dudes go to, they close their hours no more. Oh. The one in the village, the real good one. Because of COVID?

Yeah, once COVID hit. A lot of people are having a hard time finding people to work for them. Yeah, no, that's rough. That's part of the issue. It's like people are having a hard time finding someone to staff their club or to staff their restaurant. Yeah, because I thought I had to go all the way up north to get Cuban food, but I went to this town called Friot.

Jesus Christ, Joe. Yeah? On the one block, Main Street. They got a pizza joint. Federici's been there over 100 years. Wow. The Sicilian is tremendous. Three doors down, La Flor de Cuba.

Fucking had some picadillo in there. It was fucking outrageous. Cross the street, two Mexican joints, which you'll never find. It's tough to find the Mex. They got one by my house, but it's not too fucking bueno. Not too good. Not too good. Those are like civilized Mexicans.

They're not like those California ones, those fucking San Diego ones where we used to go to. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ! So good. No, no. You're not going to find that by my house. That's the only heartache. I really, like this year, this is the difference. Somebody said to me, what was the difference during the holidays in fucking Jersey? I go, well, in LA, all my brothers brought me tamales.

Felipe, George Perez, they all brought me tamales. In Jersey, everybody gives you coquito. It's like a Puerto Rican eggnog with fucking rum in it and other maluca juice and you get fucking hammered. The first night I got the COVID, that's what I drank. Really? Yeah, because I wanted to go to sleep. And I'm like, well, I got nothing to go to sleep.

I couldn't smoke reefer. I don't know if it's going to affect my lungs. And I had a bottle of coquito because I got on the 23rd, the 24th. I fucking drank the whole thing. I was fucked up. Rum and a bunch of milk, but they don't put a lot of rum in there. I had more fucking farts than anything. I had to go to White Castle.

When I got back, you got to make a stop. I turned my daughter on to them. She loved them. But then I didn't go to White Castle for like a year. And Saturday, I went by Jimmy's house to watch a couple of the football game, and they had a case of White Castles at his house. And I took two of them. Oh, my God.

I ate them Sunday afternoon. They didn't come through my asshole until Monday night. I had a little stomachache. I wonder what that is. I had a salad today. I wonder what's, you know. Dog, I took a shit. As soon as I smelled it, I go, that's those White Castles.

It was such a bad shit, I had to jump in the shower after it. Downstairs. I just took my clothes off. When I walked upstairs, I got dressed. My wife didn't see me. So when I come back out, she goes, are you going down there? I go, yeah. She goes, do me a favor.

Put some fucking litter in the thing. The cat blew it up down there. I go, listen, it wasn't the cat. It was Papa. She goes, what the fuck was that? I go, two white castles. They went right through me, those things. And like time release for your asshole, like a day and a half later.

So I'm done with White Castle now. That's a, that's, when you're eating White Castle, you know what you're doing. It's like drinking whiskey, right? If you're drinking whiskey, you know that's not good for you. No. When you're eating White Castle, you know there's going to come out sideways. You know this is mouse meat. This is somebody's vision.

This is something that ain't fucking good. Let me tell you something. In Jersey, do you know that number one voted restaurant to work at is White Castle? Oh, really? Yeah, they pay $15 an hour. They give you employee benefits, a cell phone and shit. That's how In-N-Out is. In-N-Out's supposed to be real good like that, too.

In-N-Out. Same thing. In-N-Out. The one that rocks by my house just like LA is fucking the Chicken Place. Those Christians. Chick-fil-A? Those motherfuckers, they don't give a fuck, dog. What a crazy thing they won't open on Sunday. No. How much money they lose?

Dog, I respect them for that. I respect them for that. Whether you believe it or not, it's kind of a crazy move to not open on one day a week. So you have like one-seventh less income. You decide that you're just going to take a day off. They buy Costco by me. It's always six lines deep.

Always. They sell a lot of chicken. They sell a lot of chicken, and those motherfuckers move you. But let me tell you something. Always, they sell a lot of chicken. They sell a lot of chicken and those motherfuckers move you. Like don't ever get deterred. When you go to fucking that place, if you see a big line, give it five minutes. They have it down to a sign.

Oh, they move you quick. Those Christians, they don't fuck around, dog. I'll never forget that I went there one day and I took my daughter, this was like 10 years ago, I took my daughter to some kids party and I told my daughter. This was like 10 years ago. I took my daughter to some kid's party. And I told my wife, I went to Chick-fil-A because I hadn't gone since Boulder. I go, I went to Chick-fil-A the other day. That was good.

And some little guy turned around, somebody gone. He's like, you're not allowed to go to Chick-fil-A. That's why I wrote that because I actually went home and went online and read about why people were mad at them. Yeah, they opposed gay marriage or something? They opposed gay marriage. They opposed abortion. Oh, no, no, because their insurance plan wouldn't pay for abortions. Really?

That's why people were pissed. The insurance plan. That's why people were pissed at them. So if you work for them and you get health insurance, if you get an abortion, you're on your own. You're on your own. You got to go to Mexico. You got to go to Mexico and take your hands. Well, how about what Texas did Texas did something crazy? They made it so that you have to you can only be six weeks pregnant

That's crazy Like how do you you don't even know when you're six weeks pregnant? Like there's a lot of girls that just think their periods late And then they get into the seventh week and they can't have an abortion anymore They got to go to Louisiana or something like what are you talking about? It's crazy like who are you to decide? Louisiana they got a goddamn abortion Yeah, it's like what these fucking that's where religious laws are very strange

It's like when it makes messages You know like mixes in rather to the rest of the world. Like people have extreme beliefs one way or the other and they impose them on other people. For you to decide that six weeks, you can have an abortion but only up to six weeks, like who the fuck are you? Like why?

Like what is this arbitrary number that you came up with? They fucking, listen, they know a woman misses 30 days. For like a week, she'll say, I'll wait five weeks. Because every woman will go, I missed my period. I'll wait another week and see what's going on. That's five weeks. And then she gets to six weeks. And she gets to six weeks.

And then it takes her a week to decide what the boyfriend wants to do, the husband, whatever. So they knew. They knew exactly what they were doing. It the husband, whatever. So they knew. They knew exactly what they were doing. It's like, Jamie, did they not know what they were doing this weekend on the Super Bowl line? Four and a half to four. You cover by three.

They know what the fuck is going to be the outcome. They just, they know it. Seven weeks, you're just finding out. Six weeks is when people find out. Six and five weeks. So, I don't know. I don't like it. They're getting tricky out there, brother.

But on the other hand, like, late-term abortions, I don't like that either. That freaks me the fuck out. By that time, the kids cooked. Yeah. Like, when you're in months and months in, it's like, oof. Oof.

The Chick-fil-A thing is very unusual because of the amount of profit that they miss out on. Because of these convictions that they don't want to work on the Lord's Day. That's the amount of profit they miss out on. It's insane. I mean, they're a giant chain. How many Chick-fil-A's are there? A lot. Think about how much loot

they're missing out on. You know, I think that every large chain, like, I think like there's something, like if you go to Utah, when I went to Utah, they were telling me, they put you up next to the Olive Garden. And I was talking to the guy at the hotel, he goes, you know that's the number one Olive Garden

in the country? More people got an Olive Garden here than that particular Olive Garden anywhere else in the country. It's, you know that's the number one Olive Garden in the country? More people got an Olive Garden here than that particular Olive Garden anywhere else in the country. It's always packed in there. Don't they close? Do they? They have something. They close on Sunday or something? Something. They do something.

Just call Red Band up. He knows everything about them. I don't know if it's Olive Garden. They don't? No. It's somebody else. They all have something quirky. I don't think so. They don't? No. No? I don't think so. But it's somebody else. They all have something quirky. I don't know what. Chick-fil-A likely loses out on more than $1 billion in sales every year by closing on Sundays. And it's a brilliant business strategy. Why is it a brilliant business strategy?

Okay. I think they're roping me into that article. There is. But there's ways to look at that. You have to go on Saturday because you can't get it tomorrow. So you have to go now because it's not available. Well, what about when we were in Colorado and you can't buy beer on Sunday? Right.

You know, you got to buy 2.3 or whatever that fucking shit was. When I was growing up in Massachusetts, that's how it was. 2.3 beer? We used to have to go to New Hampshire. Right. You'd have to drive to New Hampshire to go to get liquor on Sunday because they had blue laws. When I was a kid, I'm pretty sure that was the case. They'd call them package stores.

Package stores. They'd say, we've got to go to the packy. They're all going to the packy. That was, I mean, they still have blue laws in some states where you can't hunt on Sundays. Like in Pennsylvania, I think it's the case. I think you're not allowed to hunt on Sundays. They got fucking deer everywhere. But on Sundays, the Lord's Day, you should be in church, Joey Deers.

It's very, very weird. Like one day a week, you can't hunt? Like on a Sunday? Like says who? Like why? Like because you believe in God? So I can't hunt on Sunday? Like, that's crazy.

Because that's supposed to apply to the entire state. Like, you can't tell the entire state they have to abide by these Christian calendar rules. I think it's town to town. Because there's a town in Jersey, like an hour from me by Asbury. Can't sell booze there on Sundays. You can't drive there on Sundays. They lock it up on Saturday nights. I think there's dry towns, Joey.

Yeah, there's dry towns. There's dry towns where they're not allowed to even sell liquor. They don't have liquor stores. But you could buy weed seven days a motherfucking week. That's all that matters. Now everybody's fucking New York's next. Yeah, I can't believe New York has held on this long. It's amazing to me that New York doesn't have legal weed.

The amount of money that they would generate, the amount of tax money alone, and also people that are smoking weed are always going to smoke weed. They get it. It's not hard to get, especially with it legal in New Jersey. It's real easy to get. What pisses me off is they got a state that is doing it by the book called Colorado. Colorado does it to such an extent they were even sending tax returns in September. There were $300 checks, but who doesn't want $300 in September from the local government?

Yeah. Between the weed and the gambling, these cities... New York State made $1.2 billion in gambling since January 6th, since gambling got passed in New York. $1.6 billion? $1.2 billion. So they could have made that money the whole time. So that could probably fix all the shit that they're running, like defunding the police and everything in Manhattan. All that.

Fix all that. All that. Governor Hochul, how do you say her name? Hochul. Announces nearly $2 billion in wagers over the first 30 days of mobile sports wagering. Are you fucking kidding me? You ain't going to find no Italian bookies no more. That's for sure.

Louie's out of work, Jack. Everybody's out of business now. Because kids love this phone. Oh, yeah. Anything I can do this, they don't give a fuck. As long as I can do this. One of the things the UFC's done that's brilliant now is they give you the odds in the middle of the fight. Like they give you like Israel Adesanya versus Robert fight like they give you like you know like israel adesanya versus robert whittaker robert first round big for izzy second round

whittaker and you see the bet odds go up and down like you like they'll let you jump in like it's a second round you want you want to bet on robert whittaker in the second round yeah yeah fucking you know how many nights i'll come home there there's nothing going on, I'll see what the scores are, I'll see what the over and under is, and I'll bet the total. What's the argument against that? The only argument against that is that you're going to create gambling junkies. But, I mean, so what? No.

You should be able to do what you want to do. No, I've had this discussion, I've thought about it, and that's why I even had it on my podcast, because I'll tell you why. When I'm a regular fucking Joe and I call Joe Rogan to put a bet in, Joe will say, yeah, I'll put it in for you, but what time are you dropping off the money? But even when you call your bookie on Tuesday and you go, hey, man, can I put some action in with you this week? Yeah, you don't have to collect till the following Thursday. The week goes from Tuesday to Tuesday

after Monday Night Football. So it starts. So if I'm betting with a bookie, I can bet over my head, Joe. I can bet 50, which is what I could afford, and then once I lose, now I'm down 55. So I'm going to bet 100 to get that 55 back. Now I'm down

165. So now I might as well bet 200 because I want to snort some Coke this weekend and get some reefer too. So I bet 200 on a Thursday night NFL game and I lose that. So now what are my options? I'm going to stop at 200, 350? Fuck no. I don't have the 350 as it is. So I might as well go for broke. So you go Friday night NBA, Saturday college basketball, college football, Sunday NFL. Monday is the crucifixion. I've always said that.

Sunday is when they hit Jesus in the head, Saturday morning. Saturday afternoon game is when they fucking put the one nail here. The Hawaii game, if you're betting Hawaii, that means you're a degenerate gambler. That means you've got to stay up until 4 in the morning to get the Hawaii score. And you're a Coke fiend because you've got to stay up till 4 in the morning to get the Hawaii score. And you're a coke fiend because you got to stay up till 4. And they nail you there. Sunday early game,

they put two nails in your feet. Sunday fucking afternoon game, they put one in your forehead. And then Monday night is the fucking full crucifixion. It's planned that way. That's how it goes down. So you think it's planned that way just for gambling?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Do you think that they have injury reports in football because they want to help you, let you know who's hurt? No. It's a big fucking money day. More money was bet this last Sunday than anything. That's why you always have to have a kinky fucking game on a Super Bowl. But for the longest time, it was illegal to bet online.

Yeah. For the longest time, it was a big problem. Like, I remember it was legal and then it wasn't. And there was an entire pool tour that was wrapped around the International Pro Billiards Tour. And it was all about this guy. That was that guy who went to jail Kevin something he went to jail for scams he was the guy like that had the weight loss cures they don't want you to

know about Kevin Trudeau Jason yeah Kevin Trudeau he it was It was based around the idea of online gambling. So, like, if you and I were playing pool, people could bet money on you or bet money on me, and they could do it online. But then the government came in, and they were probably in cahoots with the casinos, and they put the kibosh on online gambling. And then it became a real problem, and they ran out of money real quick because they can nobody wanted to see it unless you're they want to gamble on things and if you had online gambling back then it would probably would have kept going that was in like the early 2000s like 2001 or something like that but they made it illegal for a long time they put the they put the fucking cuffs on gambling online for a long time.

And they did it because they wanted people to keep going to Atlantic City. Sure. Yeah. But that's over with. Yeah, it's over with. You know, even the casino income is down. You ever go to the fucking Harrah's in San Diego? No. Not bad.

I think Segura just did it recently. They do comedy there. They got a huge theater there. Really? When you go to Harrah's in San Diego, you're like, do I really want to go to Las Vegas? Right. I could just drive down there. You know, you got the cheap ones, Agua Caliente and all those on the 710.

You know, where we used to do comedy with the one place, the Chinese mafia place on the 710, the bicycle club. Yeah, bicycle club. All those places. They'll kill you in that motherfucker those Asians in there I love him that they'll fucking kill you you want good Chinese food go to the fucking bicycle club Yeah, I used to go down there just for the Chinese food Rudy used to book it $100 and you fucking ate there remember when Ari was making a living off of gambling on poker Yes, he was he was so good at poker that he was making all of his money to live on entering

I like her tournaments. No no if you go to the oh, that's right. No no go to the casino That's right. That's right go to the casinos. That's who turned me on to the bicycle club. Are you did? Yeah, we're talking about Chinese food. We worked there with we worked there with somebody We did a show at the bicycle club once who the fuck did we work with if I'm gonna tell you who booked that room first Who the fuck did we work with? If I'm going to tell you who booked that room first, guess who my booker was the first time I worked that room? Who? He was an 18-year-old kid named Gabriel Iglesias.

Really? Gabriel's 18 and he was booking that room? 18, 19, paid 35 bucks. Wow. And you had to go back on Friday to get the 35 bucks. That's how I came tight with Gabriel. Wow. Down there on the 710. Then there was another one that I took you to that was

Rudy Moreno's. Yeah, I did that one too. That was a big time Asian place. They play all those pagwa and all that stuff. He took me to a bar that Rudy had too. There was a bar show, I think that was Rudy's or maybe Rudy was the host of it.

Yeah, Rudy had all those bar shows. He had a lot of bar shows. A lot of bar shows. He had one on Mondays by the strip club in Orange County, a big nasty strip club. He did a lot of them at the Ice House. Did a lot of them at the Ice House. He had the one that he cut my teeth on that I'm grateful to Rudy Moreno every day is the Brave Bull. That was $25 a night on Fridays and Saturdays.

That was $ bucks every weekend for my first two years in L.A. Wow. Saturday nights. So if you had a spot at 12.15, you could do two or three spots early, and that's what we did. I made my money in those Mexican rooms, probably.

You did a lot of those gigs. I remember you were telling me that, like, a lot of these, you would get mad. You'd go, you know, sometimes you to stop doing these shows in hollywood you got to go out there to a shithole and you were telling me about some of these places you would go and show up and just do 10 minutes and you didn't even get paid you would go to these like very sketchy neighborhoods in weird places like driving out there was one that we used to go to on mondays that started at 10 fucking 10 p.m and they'd put out like a free wing basket and the wings were old

everything was old we had no money me felipe the bartender was hot she hated us and then we only got enough money to go to the donut place but the best thing about that place was it was in Huntington Park, maybe. Huntington Park, one of those, there was a Chinese restaurant. How many times I went in there, ordered food, and they told me to get the fuck out. Because they would only serve it to Chinese people. And in fact- What? Bro, and in fact, they wouldn't even serve it to Chinese people.

They were running a card game there. Oh, wow. So we would go there and see fucking 80 cars You go to the restaurant. There's not a fucking soul sitting in the restaurant Well, you walk into the restaurant you can kind of hear the yelling and screaming Whoa, it would tell us all the time get the fuck out you leave now go now. We don't know food No food you run color. That's a dangerous move, huh to run an illegal card game right there Those are always in movies, right?

You go in the back of a store They push open a fucking bookcase and you go down a hallway and there's like some secret room I'm looking up and they're all smoking cigarettes There was one in Harlem that you pulled your car into the garage and it would put you through a house Yeah, right when you got out of warehouse warehouse, it was a full blown casino. 181st Street, right there. Hookers, drug, they had like a drug counter. Like that you walked up to the guy and said,

what do you got? I got Quaaludes, I got sleeping pills, I got cocaine. That's how fucking insane it was. Yeah. Wow. It's kind of crazy that you're allowed to gamble in some places. It's kind of crazy, like a place like Vegas or Atlantic City. You're allowed to go there and you can gamble, but everywhere else, no. How crazy is that New York's got gambling, New Jersey's got gambling.

I went to Pennsylvania a couple of weeks ago to a tubing with the kids. I want to put a bet in and all of a sudden they're like, whoop, location. You're not available to gamble in Pennsylvania. Oh, wow. Yeah, because they check your location. Oh, wow. You can't make a bet in Philly? No. What?

I was in Blue Mountain, and I was at the hotel, and I'm like, that's right, there's a fight tonight or something. And when I went to look at the phone, when I went to hit the thing, it said, nope. That's insane. In Pennsylvania. the thing, it said, nope. That's insane. Pennsylvania. That's insane. Nashville, Denver. Is that because you're registered in New York?

I registered in Jersey. Oh, that's nice. I opened the account when I moved to Jersey. Joe, you can bet there, but you have to be registered there. Is that what it is? Yeah, yeah. Wow. Wow, that's fucking crazy. So you would have to live there?

It's for the tax purposes because once you make over, I don't know, whatever it is, like $600, they either have to keep it or send you a 1099. So if you placed a bet while you were in the state of Pennsylvania, does that mean you owe them money if you hit? To do it online, probably. If you were in the casino, that's separate because you're physically there showing your ID or whatever it is. That's interesting, though, isn't it? That if you made a bet in a hotel in Pennsylvania, you'd have to pay taxes there on that money.

You don't consider it your income tax wherever you live. Nope. You made it there in that location, which is weird because you're doing it online. It's definitely squirrely. It's squirrely. It's super squirrely. I mean, I'm not saying you should get out of taxes, but that seems annoying. Bro, the gambling, it's going off.

But that means there's no more bookies, nothing. I mean, I'm sure there's some people who just take their money to Vegas. There's some people who still believe in bookies because they don't trust a computer. Yeah. Or they don't want to just trust what anybody else is looking at, you know, and I understand that too. Yeah. Because people don't want you to know what they're doing. The whole thing about, like, tracking you on your phone, that it's normal now.

We just normalized getting tracked everywhere. Allow location? Okay. Allow location? Okay. Allow location. You know what the worst? But you know what the good thing is? I'm not doing nothing bad. Yeah, that's the good thing.

So it's not like I'm not stabbing somebody or I got an alibi, you know. This is like the slippery slope. You know, that's what people were worried about when all that Edward Snowden shit came out, that the government can just track you. But now everybody just gives it up to apps. What are you going to do?

Listen to everything you say. Has it been proven that your phone is actually listening to you? Yes. Right? Can we say that or are we crazy? That's tough. I would have to say, yeah, it probably is. I definitely think they could turn your microphone on

and they can make your phone listen to you. I think that's a fact. I heard a fucked up story, and I'll drop it on you here. I have not a friend. I have an acquaintance that's going to go to jail because of what they said on an Alexa. Oh, no. So do not believe nothing.

I wouldn't put a fucking Alexa in my house if you paid me. When I walk into people's houses and I see an Alexa, I make a mental note to shut the fuck up. Only speak when you know those people, Alexa, play Led Zeppelin. I don't say nothing. Alexa, I fucking hate you.

I don't say nothing to Alexa. I will never talk to fucking Alexa. But they're going to go to jail because something happened in their house, like a fight. Oh. And they actually called the cops through Alexa. Oh, my God. Oh. So you just want to avoid all this shit.

If you have an Alexa in your house, take it out right now. You can play the music by yourself, you dumb fucks. Oh, my God. Take it out right now. You can play the music by yourself, you dumb fucks. Oh, my God. Now you got people listening. Listen, you got to assume that no matter what you do, they're listening to you. I don't give a fuck about laws or anything. We can't listen after 30 seconds if you're not talking

about a criminal enterprise. Listen, if you got a cell phone, they can tap into you and they know where you are. It's funny. When I go to jiu-jitsu, you have to log in there. They have, like, a computer. Like, you have to make a reservation. That's what I like about Hollis.

You can make, like, go to Zen app and just fucking go, I want to go to Wednesday class, and they'll lock a space in you. I think they started because of COVID, but now they don't give a fuck. But when you go there, you have to tap in. And I'm so excited to tap in. I always go, 20 years ago, I wouldn't tap into that motherfucker because I wouldn't want nobody to know where I was. Now I'm an old man.

I don't give a fuck if you know where I am. Yeah, I came here. Yeah, my worry about all that stuff is, like, who has access to your data? Who can track you? Did you see this come out a couple weeks ago? NYPD had a secret fund for surveillance tools. Documents reveal the police bought facial recognition software,

vans equipped with x-ray machines, and stingray cell site simulators with no public oversight. Yikes. There's a story within the last couple weeks. I'm trying to remember exactly what happened, but they tracked whoever it was and caught them using license plate camera things and followed them around the city

and found their location. It was when Michael K. Williams died. That's how they tracked where he bought. Wow. They have on video him buying the fentanyl. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

So is that good? Because you can catch crimes. They didn't stop the crime from happening. But they've caught who did it. I don't think that helps anything really. It doesn't, right? It gives a lot of power

to people that are working as police officers. If you could just, like, zoom in on people like that, listen in their cell phone conversations, like, they're just people. That's part of the problem, right? But on the other hand, it's like you want them to be able to catch people when someone's done something fucked up. So where do you draw the line?

We have a constitution that they wrote. Yeah. And it's still fucking illegal. It's like an entrapment. Like if they catch someone planting a car bomb somewhere, this is a good for instance, and you can show on a video somehow or another the people that planted the car bomb,

and that car bomb blows up and a bunch of people die, shouldn't you be able to find out who planted that fucking car bomb? That's the slippery part. That's the slippery part. And don't tell me they're not doing that already. I think they are. They go right to a satellite and see what images they shot on that block,

on that area. Yeah. They're already doing that. You have to assume. You have to assume they're doing that. They're already doing that. You have to assume. You have to assume they're doing that. They're already doing that. Yeah. I think, and what are the satellite capabilities like now?

It must be incredible. Oh. It must be amazing. Oh. Right? That's how Google Earth started. Yeah. Yeah.

With satellite imagery. In fact, how crazy is this? How crazy is this? That burglars aren't even casing joints out anymore. They just go on Google Earth. They see what cars you park outside. Really? They case your joint now from fucking.

Does Google Earth update regularly? Does it? Really? I mean, it's not like today, like every day. But like, yeah. And there's probably ways to get access to it. Like how many times a month? At least maybe once a month in certain areas.

And they have something that is kind of live because they have caught, you know, burglars doing it, car thieves doing it. I feel like we're in an episode of Black Mirror, but we just don't know it yet. No. You know? It feels like an episode of Black Mirror. Because these guys were getting an order for a black Mercedes. They'd go on the

computer they'd find one they'd go to look i mean it was all tracked on a computer i never even went by the house before this was all done right there i watched an episode of black mirror the other day i haven't seen that show in a while you ever watch that on netflix no it's all about like dystopian future and the one was about the social credit system. Did you see that one? Oh, my God, that was nuts. It was all about, like, what could go wrong with us, you know, if we get too wrapped up in grading each other on numbers.

That one. Remember that? That was a nutty one. It was a real weird one. But it's like I kind of feel like that's a real possibility for people. That could be a thing we really do one day, have a score. Everyone get a number. People would be obsessed by their score, their social score. Like seeing that in that show, I was like, yikes.

You could kind of convince people to go along with that. Yeah, that one. The thing that freaked me out about it was it was a fun show, a fun episode, but you could kind of get people to go along with something like that. I don't think it would be that hard. I think people would give in to some sort of a score system like that. That's a dangerous thing, Joey Diaz. That's a dangerous that. That's a dangerous thing, Joey Diaz.

That's a dangerous thing. That's a dangerous thing. Because then you're putting so much thought into a number. People get obsessed with numbers. They get real weird when it comes to numbers. If you give people a number, like you're five stars, Joey. You're like, oh, I'm five stars. Yeah, but Mike's seven stars.

You're like, oh, we get five stars yeah but mike's seven stars we get obsessed i want to be seven stars what do i have to do what do i have to do to get the same rating that mike got and we would want that you meet somebody after like a year or two we would get used to it you'd meet somebody you know like i can't hang out with this guy he's a four you know i mean it's just like he brings my credit down when I'm around him bringing a three to my house exactly the fuck is wrong with you that's what this episode no sevens a lot all right fucking bringing a two to my house I'm telling you that's a that could be worrisome and speaking about Michael J White whatever his name is what's his name Michael Williams no the guy that they bro? Michael Williams? No, the guy that Dave... Michael.

When was the last time you watched that show? You know, I've watched only like one episode of that show ever. It's time for you to watch the pilot and watch all six episodes. I just finished it. He is by far the greatest villain of all time on any TV show. Really? Omar? Mm-hmm. I mean, I forgot how good he was. Walks into a crack neighborhood with a shotgun,

raises the shotgun up, cocks it in the air, and says, Oh, Omar's here. Who wants to see some motherfuckers get shot? And all of a sudden he's standing there, and within two minutes, a bag of crack will fly out the window because you know he's going to go up there and shoot everybody. That's how bad of a fucking savage this motherfucker is. Omar is coming.

Howl! And he just stops, cocks the gun, and it's all over. Omar is coming. That was like Bourdain's favorite show ever. I don't want to. I can't. I want to play the scene, but like. Go ahead, play it.

I need to watch it. It's a complete fucker. I need to watch it. Yeah, I guess at this point. It's so good. Okay, play it. It's only a minute long. Spoiler alert if you've never seen The Wire.

Yo! Yo! Hey, yo! along. Spoiler alert if you've never seen The Wire. Yo, sir, come on. Your Omar's coming, man. Yeah, we know where Spaniel is. Oh, shit! Grinch, man. Mm. Yeah. The cheese stands alone. Whoa. He's a good bad guy. And then I went right from that to Oz to really lift the fucking stakes.

I forgot about Oz. Oz is very good. The Wire, tremendous police show, the best I've seen in years. Makes you fucking think about your little three numbers of TV shows that you like. This is good. Kima, The Undercover Cop, The Chick,

just real life shit, this is tremendous. Took us four weeks. I'm thinking about, I I got it I got a set aside time for that and I got a set aside time everyone says Yellowstone yes this season is a little funky how many seasons are that four or five if they say it's like the Sopranos of the country or something like that that's what my friends call it they say it's like whatever the fuck it is. I might re-watch that too.

I like Kevin Costner. So I didn't think Kevin Costner. I watch Draft Day all the time when it comes on. Him and fucking the dude from Boston. Remember when he did Dances with Wolves? Dances with Wolves was tremendous. It was an amazing movie. And The Bodyguard.

Yeah, with Whitney Houston. Yeah. Just to see him now, he's like a warm American dish. It's like eating meatloaf when you watch him, you know? He just makes you feel good about being an American. He's such a good guy. He made a tremendous movie, if you ever remember to see it. It is the worst beating in a movie.

It's called Revenge. He plays a tennis coach to Anthony Quinn in Mexico, who's a drug dealer, and he sleeps with his girlfriend. Anthony Quinn finds out. Oh, yeah. The beating is tremendous, and he throws a beating on her, cuts her face, and turns her into a hoe in a Mexican prison,

and he has to fucking save her. It's been on Showtime a ton lately, and by the way, I know you like music a little bit. This documentary I saw is going to rock your world because you don't know shit about this motherfucker. I thought I did until I watched this documentary. If you get a chance on Showtime, they're still playing it.

Rick James. Oh, shit. Yeah? Like, I had to watch it two times and go, what the fuck was that? What's it called again? It's got to be like Slingin' Dick. I swear to God. It's called Bitchin', the sound inferior.

Yeah. What's the name of it? Bitchin'. Oh, my God, Joe Rogan. This guy was a fucking savage. Buffalo didn't want to go to Vietnam. He went to fucking Canada to hide. He hung up with the guy from Emerson Lake and Palmer.

He met up with your buddy Neil Young. They were in a band together. All these motherfuckers were in a band. That dude right there. Then they arrested him, and then he fucking went to Buffalo, got some whatever. He went out to L.A., and after that, you got to watch this. To be honest with you, he's a fucking savage. Musician savage.

Like, I didn't even know this shit. People talked on this. It's just tremendous. The shit he did, his attitude, how he fucking, you know fucking played his music in the shows he would do. He had all these albums. He was with fucking Motown. He was a music executive before all this shit that you don't know about people.

And they said when he rocked, he fucking rocked. This is a great documentary. Wow. That looks amazing. It's a Showtime documentary? Look, Big Daddy Kane, everybody's on here. He talks about crack piping the chick. That was one of my first jokes.

That was one of my first jokes when I was an open mic. Rick James is the first superhero, something stupid about, I'll, you know, something stupid. I'll burn you with this crack pipe. I'll burn you with this crack pipe. Something fucking stupid. So when are you going to come to Jersey and visit me again? I'll come again.

I'll set up a visit just to come visit you. We'll go to El Nido this time, then we'll go to Osteria and get the lobster fucking ravioli. Maybe I'll get you to go on stage at the Stress Factory. Yeah, we'll go to the Stress Factory. In fact, that's where I'm going Saturday night to eat. Are you? Beautiful.

I'm going to the Steakhouse. Yeah, what is it, Steak 85 or something like that? Yeah, the head chef is at Hal's Gracie's. Oh, is he really? Fuck yeah, he told me you were there. Yeah, I met him. I met him. He said.

It was funny. We went over there to play pool, and we went to this steakhouse just because we found it online. And so we're eating there, and he goes, are you here to see Brewer? The chef came over and said hi. And I said, I thought he moved to Florida. And he goes, he did, but he's doing stand-up across the street. I'm like, what? No way.

So the Stress Factory was right across the street from that steakhouse. I had no idea. I just knew where the steakhouse was. You've never been to that steakhouse? I've never been to that steakhouse before. had no idea. I just knew where the steakhouse was. You've never been to that steakhouse? I've never been to that steakhouse before. That was the first time ever. But the thing was that Brewer was right across the street. So I went to see him, and I caught him right in between shows.

It was perfect timing. I got to see him and hang out with him in the green room in his opener and just talk shit with him, have a good time. That's a good fucking steakhouse, bro. It's a great steakhouse. Like I said, I got 20 other restaurants for you to check out there's great food in new jersey that's for damn sure there's a lot of people man a lot of people a lot the pizza like it's just everybody has good pizza you can't really like if you tell me you gotta drive to the

no i don't because to stay in business you you got to have a good pizza. You got to have good pizzas and you got to have good bagels. You got to have like a good breakfast sandwich. And everybody's, I go to two places because see, my area is all Staten Island Italians. Right. They moved over. So first they start in like Brooklyn. Then they go to Staten Island or they start in Staten Island. They go to Brooklyn.

Then they move to my area. And they bring their sandwiches and their food like notice You know all those restaurants on the nine are all Staten Island businesses you know, so Dog, it's just tremendous. It really is the Nino's is a Staten Island pizza. It's very good. I'm a Carlos guy. They buy my house. So I go over there, but they got pasta for zoo Real I go in there. I got a bowl of pasta for zoo on a salad. I don't even get the pizza Because I've had you know, the pizza's just it's just right there

They got the pizza with the ziti on it. They got all that stuff It's amazing how good they figured out pizza in New Jersey and in New York and in New York and in Boston Yeah, you know, it's the East Coast, man. That pizza's a different kind of pizza. We grew up on two slices a day. I used to eat 14 slices a week. Now I eat two. I get one, like, one afternoon I break,

I gotta get, like, a 2 o'clock slice one day. Yeah. And then I'll go, like, on a Friday and get a cup of soup and a slice. I can't do the two a day no more. I'll blow up like a fucking, you know. I told you when I used to play pool in White Plains, we used to go to Nicky's Pizzeria.

Tremendous. It was right next to Executive Billiards. We'd leave Executive Billiards, walk down the street a little bit to Nicky's, and they'd have white pizza. It's like a casserole. You ever have white pizza? Tremendous.

Oh, my God, with white cheese on it and the olive oil it was so good Mm-hmm chunks of garlic and pieces of ham Thinly sliced ham was insane. I tell you what they have a lot of in Jersey that I didn't in California short-ribbed Really everybody makes a short rib That'll fucking when it comes out that Oster, when they bring it out, the dish weighs 50 fucking pounds. When you put it in your refrigerator with the bag and the aluminum foil, the next morning you open it in your refrigerator, you're like,

fuck, it smells like an animal in there. That's how good it is. Tremendous. How much, they have a short rib at that place, El Nido. They have a short rib gnocchi. Oh, wow. Fucking, you just salivate wow i'm happy i stuck to my points and i lose weight back there because i'm not i i don't touch desserts like there's no no no it's not worth it the way you feel afterwards. No. I love just eating good fucking food, man.

Well, his pasta was insane, that Il Nido place. It didn't even taste like pasta. It didn't feel like pasta when it hit your stomach. It was like Italian pasta, like pasta you get in Italy, where when you're eating it, your body doesn't freak out. It doesn't let you go, oh. It was light. It felt good.

His sauce with the two wild meatballs. Yeah. That's what you do. Just order the red His sauce with the two Y.O. meatballs. Yeah. That's what you do. Just order the red sauce and get the two Y.O. meatballs. Those Waigu meatballs are so fucking good. Do you remember how he explained about the wheat? What was he explaining about the different wheat that he uses? He goes to Sicily and he gets the wheat. And when he brings it back, the wheat is...

I think he told you, but you have the Mexican dude, Dave. Yeah. I give him the speech, you know, the whole fucking deal. So I guess that pasta, if you eat it, you don't register if you're diabetic. Is that real, though? Yeah. That doesn't make any sense. He had a bunch of people going that are gluten-free, and they could eat his pasta.

But it's still, isn't like the whole diabetic thing, it's a carbs thing, isn't it? Right. But something from the pasta in Sicily really it doesn't yeah that's what he was saying I never read it we got him though not give out that kind of medical advice you know we can't be can't be giving out medical misinformation on diabetes and pasta you know I was hoping to open up a wheat store back there really but it's too rough. That's a lot. Licenses. That's a lot of pain in the ass, too, Joey.

That's a lot of pain in the ass. You don't want to deal with that. No, but I got this. You need someone smart to set you up as an ambassador. That's what we're doing with Ice Cream Shop right here. See, I brought you some. Beautiful. These are all the strands, the fucking sashimi, tremendous, the cocoa.

Well, thank you, sir. And I'll tell you what's really good. The rainbow ruts is 37%. I only brought one fucking rolling paper. I slipped today. I should have brought the whole pack, but what are you going to do? You can't want everything. You can't.

Joey Diaz, I love you to death. I love you, too. It was great hanging out with you. So when am I coming back here? Let's do it again. Whenever you want to. No, no, no. The club.

What's the EPA? We'll talk. We'll talk when we're off the air. Okay. I'll let you know. All right. Thanks, man. It was a lot of fun. No, no, no. The club. What's the EPA? We'll talk. We'll talk when we're off the air. Okay. I'll let you know. All right. Thanks, man. It was a lot of fun.

Thank you for having me, man. It was great talking to you, brother. Always great. I just wanted to come down here, set the record straight. It was a lot of fun. And we'll go fucking off. We'll yell at some people. We'll do this regularly.

Yeah. Okay. Beautiful. All right. Love it. Love you, too. Bye, everybody.