The Joe Rogan Experience - #178 - Joey Diaz

Episode Date: January 23, 2012

Joe sits down with Joey Diaz.

Did you talk about Red Band, Isle of Garden? Did you talk about Isle of Garden, Red Band? No, I didn't. Oh my God,

you just killed his whole Isle of Garden bit. He broke it out in the middle of a fucking I had to. He was talking about hunting Steve Rinella and Brian goes like,

Isle of Garden? I was like, oh no, you motherfucker. Whenever I talk to Brian, I go, how'd the podcast go today? Great.

Did you mention Isle of Garden? You know what kind of sucks about that whole thing? That everyone now takes pictures while they're at the Isle of Garden and sends them to Brian. I go, how did the podcast go today? Great. Did you mention my Olive Garden? You know what kind of sucks about that whole thing? That everyone now takes pictures while they're at the Olive Garden and sends them to me. So I get so tired of looking at Olive Garden. Like that is not, like, and honestly, I don't give a shit about the Olive Garden. You love it. And now people flood my Twitch stream with Olive Garden.

You love it like I love C2O Coconut Water. They just sent me some more. So thank you, C2O people. And I got to thank Grillo's Pickles, too. Remember we were talking about the pickle company in Boston that had these homemade pickles and they were selling them in the park? How fucking awesome they are?

They got a hold of me and they sent me some. Oh, my God, these fucking pickles are ridiculous, dude. They have these habanero pickles where it's pickles with slices of jalapeno and habanero in it. They're really it's pickles with, like, slices of jalapeno and habanero in it. They're, like,

really spicy pickles. God damn, they're good. They're, like, fresh and just crisp and, whew. You slice them and put them in a nice cheeseburger.

They're fucking tremendous. Fucking serious pickles. I know it seems like I'm excited about some of this. Speaking of pickles, we've been talking about Chaz Bono.

Speaking of pickles, we've been talking about fucking Chaz Bono. That's what his penis And you know what's crazy about Chaz Bono? Speaking of pickles, we were talking about fucking Chaz Bono. That's what his penis looks like. And you know what's crazy about Chaz Bono? She's starting to look like Ralphie May. Once she had the surgery, it was like, fuck. I mean, Chaz Bono, that is the most amusing story to me of last year,

and I don't fuck with it. Really? I just don't fuck with it. It just creeps me the fuck out one way or the other. I don't know why. I feel really bad for her. I just feel like if you're going to go through with that, I feel bad for her one way or the other i don't know why i feel really bad for you know i uh i just feel like if you if you're going to go through with that for i feel bad for one way or the other either i feel

bad for because she really is a man trapped in a woman's body and that must be really frustrating or i feel bad for that she's you know she's in this state of disarray where you know that's the option and you got to go through surgery and and it just seems to me like anybody that would need to do that for any reason, just to actually change and try to become something else and become some different sex, that's a deep longing. That's a deep dissatisfaction

with your current life. And who's to say that maybe her solution isn't becoming a man? Well, go play rugby first and then come back. You know what I'm saying? I would like to know she's happier. I would like to know she's happier now.

I mean, that would be an interesting conversation. Oh, I knew a comedian in Seattle that was a man and became a woman. Had the surgery, the whole psychological, went through the whole thing. And it was hard on her. Her name was Rita O. Her head was fucking huge. She would fall from time to fucking time. That's how she died.

Like a two-year-old? That's how she died. She fucking fell. Her head was too big. She was out of club. And she fucking went down like a broxah. Her name was Rita O. She was Japanese and white up in Seattle. I'm not joking. I wish I was, but I'm not joking. That's hilarious.

Brody Stevens and me used to steal her nachos at the open mic. And she had a womanly voice Stevens and me used to steal her nachos at the open mic and she had a womanly voice and when we would steal her nachos, she'd say, put them the fuck down! Oh my god. And we would just stop. I robbed about 200 vallies from her one time and she put a gun to my fucking head. This bitch did it and she was 5'2".

And she died maybe two years after I moved out of Seattle. Ask Brody, wouldn't you? When she got the full operation? She got the full thing. When you do that, your body really shrinks up. Yes, she shrunk up. You lose a lot of their mass, right? Maybe really if you have a big head,

maybe it'll work as long as you have a big body to go with it. But if you have a big head and a little body like that, that actually does make sense. She would be disproportionate. Her equilibrium was off and because your muscles go away but the size of your head is like and her drug problem was uh it was just horrendous of the drug problem that she had from the pain like and one night from the pain of the surgery like no the pain of she just oh from being in life she drank every night she didn't leave the house

without a bottle in her purse i mean oh and one night we did an open mic, and the guy threw her out. An Arab threw her out. She went home, and we talked her into calling the White House. It was on cocaine. We were like, you got to call the White House. Do you remember that dude who used to come around the comedy store? He was kind of half homeless, half cross-dresser type character, the black guy. What was his name?

Boom Shakalaka? Boom Shakalaka. I buy half of my shit for my girlfriend from that guy like faces and shoes and isn't he like a half a hooker i don't know he's just a gay comment no he's i love boom open mics with that yeah yeah it was a fucking he's had some nutty moments man one time when he was in the back of the comedy store and he was like yelling at no one in particular, fuck this motherfucker. Like really mad at somebody. And he went and stormed

into the little bathroom there. Was washing up in there and they were trying to get rid of him. They were trying to calm him down and get him off the porch. I don't know exactly what happened, but I was like, wow, this dude's fucking mad. Some shit's about to go down. Well, they would tease him on Sunday nights and torture him and then he would go fucking AWOL black on you.

Fuck this motherfucker. I'll kill you and all this shit. There's something that happened with him and Dan Bailak. I think that's his last name. Bailak. Yeah, something happened between those two because he always carries around signs and things going against him. Or maybe it's vice versa.

I don't remember. You don't know what the story is? No, I don't know. I'll talk to Bailak tonight at another podcast. What's up, baby boy? What's up, bro? Chicago fucking theater Friday night. Me, you, and Duncan Trussell. Let me tell you.

I've been excited about going to Chicago. Chicago is one of those cities that, you know, nothing. It's always like you never really think about it until you're on your way there, and then you get fucking excited. Right. You get really fucking excited. We're going down to the city.

Great fights. Great Italian food. Great Polish food. There's everything there. Everything. Paragis. Steaks. We're in the Midwest. One other thing. You better dress warm, motherfucker. We're going to be like the cops that arrested Tony Montana that time for fucking money laundering. Remember what he said? You better

dress warm. It's going to be fucking cold. We're going in the nucleus of the winter, the last week of January. That is the eye of the fucking storm. It is the eye of the storm, isn't it? That's it. Three fucking days of just... It doesn't get any colder.

Do you have a winter jacket? Fuck yeah, I do. I do not own a winter jacket. Are you kidding me? Oh, you can have one of mine, man. I have boxes of them. I got an awesome one. It's un-fucking-believable

that we're going into the wind. We're going into the eye of the fucking storm. That have boxes of them. I got an awesome one. Un-fucking-believable that we're going into the wind. We're going into the eye of the fucking storm. It's awesome. And I don't give a fuck. I'm excited. Chael Sonnen, Bisping. Oh, those fights are going to be awesome. Chael Sonnen and Bisping is going to be fucking crazy.

I just wish that fight could take place a couple months from now instead of this weekend. So I want to hear more trash talking from these guys. I want to hear more. Not even these guys. I want to hear more. Not even trash. I mean, they're not even trash talking. They're like, Bisping is confident as fuck, man. This is going to be real interesting. I think a lot of people sleep on Bisping for some reason.

I don't sleep on Bisping at all. Bisping, he's a bad motherfucker, dude. He means business, and it's going to be a great fight. He's one of the fittest guys at 185, too. He's very fit. He's a dedicated athlete and like he puts a pace on dudes man you know a lot of people say mayhem looked really bad in the last fight mayhem definitely looked bad but one of the part of the reason why he looked bad is because michael

bisping looks so good he looked good he looked that much better he looks sharp man his stand-up was sharp his conditioning is sharp his fucking his defense was sharp when the fight went to the ground. Everything was good, man. He put it on Mayhem. And you saw an evolution of him over the last few years. You can see in the Jorge Rivera fight. You can see in this fight, in the Mayhem fight. Really in the Mayhem fight, you really see it.

He's turned a serious fucking corner. You know, Michael Bisping's dangerous. And you know what I loved about the fight? After it was over, he was upset at himself for the first round. Even though he had this, like, flawless performance and virtually shut out Mayhem, you know, until the fight got stopped. Once he got up to his feet and the second round started, he just shut Mayhem down.

Just completely shut him down. And if you see that, you would think, well, he should be happy, but he wasn't happy. One of the first things he said was that he was upset at his performance in the first round wasn't going to do if he ever fought the champion. That's the first thing he said. So there's a guy who's not even congratulating himself for, you know, he had this big rivalry with Mayhem. They went through a whole season of The Ultimate Fighter together. Talked all kinds of shit to each other. And he just fucked him up.

And he wasn't even being, like, congratulatory about it. He was concentrating on what he didn't do well. Like, he wanted to own him perfectly, you know? What I see with him is his life has come full circle. He's become complete. He moved his family over from England. He's training down orange county he's got his family with him which makes a big difference when you're fucking training he already took the knockouts right you know he got that knockout against henderson he's caught himself found himself and he's ready to reward you know he's ready he's

much better now yeah he's much better now he's at a better place as they say it's it's hard for a fighter to rebound from a loss like that. It's very difficult. I mean, I can only imagine. I'm only speculating. But from what I've experienced watching people, fighters will change from losses occasionally. A fucking knockout against Henderson like that?

Just getting beat up at the fucking pizza parlor changes a motherfucker. I didn't mind a knockout like that. But he came back strong against Dennis Kang. And one of the big things was Dennis Kang caught him. Remember? Dennis Kang tagged him with the right hand, dropped him, and jumped on him. But he stayed calm. He used his guard. He had a real good defensive guard.

Locked him up. And then the second round, he beat the shit out of him. People sleep on him, man. I don't know why. It's real weird. It's like I see him sleeping on him, and i think it's because maybe you see a guy lose once and you think that's how the guy fights you know instead of looking at like the whole picture that motherfucker had a draw with rashad dude you know he didn't he or is it tito

had a draw with him no it was it was uh did he lose to rashad i think it was a draw was it a draw okay i don't know i feel like i i feel like i just made that up it was yeah draw. Was it a draw? Okay, I don't know. I feel like I just made that up. Just looking up to me, it was, yeah. Let me check. Let me look under Sherdog.net. Oh, someone from Sherdog wrote some whole thing saying that I hate Sherdog because I was talking shit about their forums.

Listen, man, I don't particularly completely hate anybody. I'm sure your forums have some nice people on it. And every forum has a bunch of cunts on it, including my own. So, love all around, bitches. All right. So, yeah. Stats.

Here we go. Both of them have a one at the end. Yeah. Let's see here. This does not make for a fucking thrilling podcast. Yeah, let's talk numbers, Joey. What would you say his stats would be? Whose fucking stats?

I don't know who. Rashad, the girl from the podcast. Brian is doing his impression right now of what he thinks a sportscaster would do. He won. Rashad won a decision. There you have it. But he was fighting much bigger guys.

Should have never been fighting at 205. He's a tiny 205. He's a tiny guy. Yeah, he's a bisping. He's a tiny guy. I would not say he's a tiny guy. 205. He's a tiny 205. He's a tiny guy. Yeah, he's a Bisping. He's a tiny guy. Well, he's not. I would not say he's a tiny guy. Tiny guy.

He's a big 185. Hey, the first time I seen fucking what's-his-name in Pittsburgh, Anthony Johnson, I thought he was a fucking defensive tackle. Yeah, he's huge. You know, those guys. But Bisping compared to that is a tiny guy. You see, you know, when you see, who's that, Forrest Griffin? That's a big motherfucker.

You know, they released Anthony Johnson. Yeah, I know that. What did you think? You think that was going to happen? Yes, I knew right then and there when I read the tweet. I bet if he won, if he won, he probably would have been able to keep his job. He had to come out and knock his fucking head off in Brazil at home. Knock him out.

Well, he tried, man. I'm telling you, he blew his wad going out and trying because he tried to kill Vitor. He went after him, man. It was, blew his wad is actually a gambling tried, man. I'm telling you, he blew his wad going out and trying because he tried to kill Vitor. He went after him, man. Blue his wad is actually a gambling term, Brian, for you don't know. It's called a wad of cash. And when you come out of the gate strong and gambling and then you have no more money, it's called he blew his wad. Okay?

You know, Dane is very fucking fair. Dane is really fucking fair. Dane is very fair. Well, listen, listen, I think Anthony missed weight three times. Yes. And 12 pounds over? That's just...

Well, he had a medical situation this time. I mean, you can't... He was cutting too much, but he had a medical situation this time where his legs stopped working.

Right, I heard that about him, Treveen. Which is fucking crazy. You really stop and think that these guys get down to that dehydrated state and then rehydrate up and fight the next day. I mean, someone needs to talk to that dude and say,

listen, man, you don't need to put on any more muscle, okay? What you need to do is just lose some of the muscle you got. You don't need to be that big. You're a fucking monster. Lose some of it. You're going to fight at 185. You should walk around no bigger than 195. Really. You really

shouldn't be cutting that much weight. You're a super athlete. He's like totally selling himself short by dehydrating himself and draining himself for these fights. So when he gets in like grueling fights, like the Kostchek fight, he gets tired. The Vitor fight, he gets tired. Muscle burns a lot, man.

Muscle burns a lot, but what burns even more is when you dehydrate the fuck out of your body. I dehydrated my body when I fought in Taekwondo tournaments. I did that to make weight. When I fought it, when I was 16, I was fighting at 140 and I didn't weigh 140.

I didn't do it right either. I would just take hot showers and take hot baths and not drink any water for a day. And then I'd weigh in. And I'd have to rehydrate and fight that day. I know what it feels like. It's a terrible feeling. It makes you feel like shit.

It's a stupid thing. I mean, I did it because I was an idiot. And I was being instructed that I should stay in that weight class. He's got 50 fucking pounds to cut. He's so big. He could start two months before that. Not only that, dude. He's so fucking big. 50 fucking pounds. A lot He's so big. He couldn't start two months before that. Not only that, dude. He's so fucking big.

50 fucking pounds. A lot of it is muscle, man. A lot of it's muscle, man. A lot of it's muscle, man. He's a super athlete. That fucking guy, man, could be fighting at 205. Chad Bono's a fucking super athlete. That's who's a super athlete.

Red Band. The pickle on her. What's going on with the fucking pickles and the other thing? Olive Garden. Ocean Boulevard. Ocean Garden. Who the fuck? Joey, when was the last time you blew your wad?

What? What do you mean? Gambling or just whacked off? Whacked off. Who the fuck knows, guy? Do you still whack off? Do you hump pillows? Do you take time?

No, I whack off from time to time in the shower. I got a couple minutes here and there or something. I bang one out in my fucking hand cappuccino style. Does Chaz Bono have a dick now? Probably. I mean, I haven't asked her. When I see a coffee bean, I'll say, Chaz, show me that fucking pickle. It's really crazy that she had a girlfriend and they broke up.

But the girlfriend was like, she had a girlfriend and she was a girl. And then she decided she was a man. And then the girl, could you imagine if you're a lesbian and then all of a sudden. And then she decided she was a man. And then the girl. Could you imagine if you're a lesbian, and then all of a sudden the person that you're with becomes a man? That's the best revenge ever. What the fuck is this? That's the best. I'll get back at you.

And she'll get a couple of girlfriends. She'll get a couple of girlfriends. It's a novelty. It's a novelty. Oh, my God. Yeah, and then you take them home, and a dick smells like a twat, and then you're back to square fucking one. You know what I'm saying? Your dick smells like a fucking pussy after you ran three miles.

What's the difference? I want to suck a dick and I'm eating a fucking monkey here. You know what I'm saying? What's the difference? You can't take away the smell. You know, you can't put a fake dick on. It ain't going to fucking pan out. Do you think they make balls?

Yeah, they do. They do. I mean, they make neoprene balls or something. Let's say you have little balls or big balls and you could try. Listen, you could get anything. They do. I mean, they make neoprene balls or something. Let's say you have little balls or big balls, and you could try. Listen, you could get anything. Jesus Christ. But you can't get the real patois. We could change around.

Just because I think that I like fucking Doris Day music, and one day I want to be a woman. I think there's a little bit more than that. I think that it's just a little bit fucking more than that. Yeah. I'm not against it. I think that it's just a little bit fucking more than that. I'm not against it. The guy who does it is a guy that lives in Colorado. The busiest guy, look him up, is a

guy that lives in southern Colorado and he does them on the weekends. He's booked eight years in advance. Really? He has a regular job during the week. I don't want to quote it. We've talked about this before. You have to look it up. It was on 60 Minutes. And on the weekends, he does the operations.

He's booked three years in advance. I think during the week, he's like a farmer or a baker or something fucking crazy. And on the weekends, he cuts your fucking dick off and puts that fucking monkey that that chick had. We met in Vegas with the artificial turf and the fucking hole that time. Remember? Yes. That they threw out in the Riviera. Remember Riviera Vegas with the artificial turf and the fucking hole that time, remember? Yes, yes, yes. That they threw out the Riviera.

Remember Riviera? Yes. Security came and tapped us. You're talking to a fucking Harvey here. Don't get confused. And you know what? If I would have had

a couple bumps in me, I would have let that thing suck my dick. She wasn't that bad with that artificial turf monkey and shit. You finger bang that fucking spider hole.

Spider hole. Watch this. Joey said, it looks like a bat Finger bang that fucking spider hole. Spider hole. Joey said it looks like a bat with its mouth open. Oh, my God. It was the ugliest fucking thing you had ever seen. And it just freaked you out. Like, you just didn't want to eat no more. Like, you didn't want to drink.

Like, nothing was going to take away the pain that you see. Apparently, they're much better at doing it now. Apparently, now they can construct a pretty realistic looking vagina. The point where it really fucks people up. We're fucking cups with a vagina on it. We're fucking cups. Flashlight is a cup with a fucking vagina on it. That, you know, whatever. Feels a dozen cup of cocktails.

You don't know what you're fucking. Some dudes, man, have no problem having sex with a he-she. Like a girl that used to be a guy as long as it's a girl now they're like she's a guy she's a girl man she's a girl man like i got no problem with that like there's dudes that will tell you they have no problem with that they think that it's a girl but there's other dudes just like listen when you're drunk and it's four in the fucking morning all right and you're driving on s Santa Monica. And you haven't got your dick sucked in 60, 70, 80 days. All right.

And you're driving. And you're fucked up. And you got a grandma blowing your pocket. That chick with the blonde hair becomes whatever you want it to become. You just pull over, do a couple lines, and have that fucking monster suck your pipe. Water. Stimps. Because I know what's happened.

I know what's happened. It's had to happen to people where they just go, I'm just going for broke tonight and fuck it. And after she sucks your dick, you just make a quick fucking turn and throw her out of the car and you drive home and hope there's no fucking satellites around taking cameras. What are you going to do? What the fuck are you going to do? For some dudes, it becomes a utility thing.

It's like you've got to get rid of the stuff. Absolutely. I bet that there's guys out there that are so fucking crazy horny that they don't even care until they come. It's like anything else. How many times have you started whacking off and all of a sudden you start thinking of women that think they'll suck your dick? But after you crack that nut, you just put your phone down.

I already cracked my nut. I'm going to put up with that crazy bitch talking nonsense. You know what I'm saying? I just whacked myself off the debt to you. I need this shit. You're projecting. It's true. I would never do that. Once we come, we don't think about him.

If I don't come in a certain amount of time, I'm not going to go to a tranny. No, nobody is going to do a fucking tranny here. Just looking at a tranny makes me sick. When you make that right turn on fucking Santa Monica and you go up Highland or La Brea, the best is if you get up early in the morning, like you have to go somewhere to the airport, and you take La Brea down. Five in the morning, right by that donut thing there, La Brea and Santa Monica, there's 20 of them. And let me tell you something.

I'm here to tell you like a man that I am. Ten of them, Houdini can't fucking tell until you're pulled over. Until you pull over and look at them, you don't know. And by that time, you're 50% in. There was a dude who was an Iraqi vet, picked up a hooker, came back from Iraq, picked up a hooker, hooker blows him, finds out the hooker's a guy, shoots him. Cops see him dump the body out of his car. High-speed chase.

They go out to the desert. He jumps out of the car with a gun, suicide by cop. Wow. All because he couldn't deal with the fact that a dude sucked his dick. Wow. So he had to kill the guy. If he just let that guy go

and laughed it off, what a fucking story he would have. What a great story. You could be at parties. You could be at parties. If it was one of us, you could be at parties. And you'd be like, If it was one of us, you could be at parties. And you'd be like, Vic, tell them about that time that dude sucked your dick.

All right, come on over. You would just tell it. I'll tie the bitch up and call you guys, and we'll do a podcast with her. Nobody believe it. Listen, I don't Joe Rogan. Listen, you stop. You're at a bar. You pick up a girl that you think.

You bring her home. You go between her legs, and she's got a nine-inch fucking cock. Because most of those trannies always have the biggest fucking dick size. A tranny ain't going to have a two-inch dick. They always got a rope between their fucking legs. So you don't think that... Right there, when you grab that rope, you're going to stop and laugh, Joe Rogan? No, no, no.

I'd be dangerous. I'd feel like I was in danger because I would feel like I got tricked. Right. So now what? Whenever I feel like I'm getting tricked and if you get tricked and all of a sudden the trick turns out to be a man, that's a danger situation. You're alone with a man. So now what?

So now you've got to wonder what the fuck is going to happen. So you're going to throw out of your house and make a walk down the hill. You've got to find out if that person's violent. You've got to find out if that person's apologetic. You've got to find out if that person's just fucked up. Or with a gun in your hand. All these things I'm going to find out if that person's violent. You got to find out if that person's apologetic. You got to find out if that person just fucked up. Oh, with a gun in your hand. All these things I'm going to find out. I'm going to go back and get my dildo.

It's upstairs. I'll be right back. I'm going to shove it up your ass. You're going to see stars. I'm going to come back with that 9mm at gunpoint, you miserable cocksucker. Tell me the fucking truth. How long have you been doing this? Something.

We got to do something here. We just can't let you. You're mad. You're not going to laugh it off. It's crazy. You would shoot him? long have you been doing this? Something. We got to do something here. We just can't let you. You're mad. You're not going to laugh it off. It's crazy. You would shoot him? You think you'd kill him? Something.

I got to kick him in the stomach. I got to do something. Something's getting a beating. We got to do something. Not we. Something. I'm calling my friends. I fucked up.

I fucked up, dog. I picked up this chick. I went to grab her pussy. She had a bigger dick than me. What do I do? Okay. If I called you at four in the morning. Santa Monica Boulevard, would you shoot him if you had the gun on you? Oh, please.

Guy sucks your dick. I don't know. Would it be just get the fuck out of my car or would it be? All right. Now you threw him out of your car. Think of that feeling you're going to have. That has to be the worst feeling. You're going to get back in your car.

Either you're going to crash your car against a fucking wall doing 90 because you can't believe this just happened to you. Whatever you do, five minutes after you find out this person is, it's legal. I could sell that in court. I could sell that in court. Y'all, let's break it down. Forget the attorney. This is man talking to man. You ever want to crack a fucking nut late night and a blonde heels, she sucks your dick. All of a sudden you go for that monkey and there's a two-foot fucking cock. There's three minutes of blackout time right there. Let's get to the little conference. The attorneys, how long did he do?

Did he bring her home and shoot her? If you shoot her within four or five minutes, it's temporary insanity. Think of what a guy's going to feel like. You're right about that. Also, I don't know if you could just call it temporary insanity. You wouldn't get life. You don't know that there might have been some sort of an assault situation inside the car as well. We don't know.

When he confronted him, it could have been that the guy attacked him first, and then he pulled his gun out. I mean, he's probably freaked. Who the fuck knows? We're just totally speculating. I'll tell you, that was a soldier, an Iraqi soldier, who came back. I mean, all this guy had to do was pull over and tell the cop's office, let me talk to you, what happened. Let me tell you what really happened, dog.

I'm a little horned up. I just went over there for my country, and some guy just sucked my dick, and I shot him. What do you think? We're going to let this go. No fucking. Let's go get some coffee. Joey, they don't ever let it go when someone shoots somebody.

Listen, you got two good cops in the right mood. One of them just got divorced. You saved a traffic ticket. The other one's got a brother who's gay and he don't like sitting across from him. I'm fucking Thanksgiving. You know what I'm saying? And all of a sudden, you're like, what? Some guy sucked your dick.

We feel for you. Get back in the car. We'll just wrap this up. Let somebody find. I mean, think of a guy would really. That might have happened in the 60s. But nowadays. Well, now because you got these fucking people and GPS.

Yeah, back in the day, cops were the only ones that were able to talk. They could make a decision right down this road. Yeah, they could be in the car with a little, you know, one out of 12, one out of 12. We're closing on a suspect. Now you got cameras, you can't do nothing. But still, listen. Joe, let me talk to you on this side. It's a quarter to 12.

I got this Puerto Rican chick that wants to suck my dick she likes when i come over my gun holster on this guy just killed the training we got no paperwork here is that what it is sure that's you know but then you gotta it doesn't matter joe you still have to account for a murder that's the problem with your your theory but you still have to account for a guy who shot a guy i understand this you have a suspect you have it all wrapped up right here in front of you. I think if you shoot him and tell the court the truth, you get off an involuntary manslaughter and do six years.

They cut that in half. You're out of there in a couple fucking months. Really? And you got to shoot somebody and have some fun and get your dick sucked. You got to shoot somebody and have some fun and get your dick sucked. For three years to shoot somebody

and get your dick sucked, that's a lot of fun to shoot somebody and smell the gunpowder. I heard prison food was really bad. Oh, it's terrible, but you got a good attorney, you negotiate it down. Do you remember cafeteria food

like in college or high school? It's just like that. Horrible. Fucking horrible. It's like McDonald's food. Speaking of prison, have you seen this new bill they're trying to pass now

that would make it possible to strip anybody of citizenship if they proposed a threat to America, if they're American citizens. Yeah, I heard about that. It snuck in. Yeah. So what are they going to take it back to?

It's like they keep, I don't know, they're going to kick you out of the country. They keep coming up with crazier and crazier fucking things. It's like this is the year of total, complete control. They're trying to control the internet. They're trying to control the internet. They're trying to control this National Defense Authorization Act. They're trying SOPA and PIPA

and all this different shit that's going on. It's like the control is getting tighter and tighter and tighter. And when you hear shit like this, like they want to be able to strip people of their citizenship, like what the fuck? Where do you have to go?

By whose definition? I don't know. You'd have to go to mexico or somewhere that'll take you i mean there's a few countries that will just take yeah that seems like illegal like worldwide you know what i mean that doesn't seem like that's possible this is the this is the strangest time in in my life of of like watching the government and watching all these people scramble to try to get into position. This is a weird time, man. This feels so bizarre. I never thought I would see something like that.

Someone writing something down like that, that you should be able to have the power to kick people out of the country if somehow or another they do something to harm America. You know how ridiculous that is? No one's harming America. They're coming up with all these fucking crazy laws and the ability to detain people,

but what is really happening here? Nothing. Nothing's happening in America. Nothing. The only thing that's happening is that people are saying they're not happy with the current government. That's the only action that's happening in the whole country.

It's not like there's some fucking crazy thing going on where we're being constantly attacked by terrorists and we have to figure out how to defend ourselves in an ever-changing world. No, there's no fucking terror attacks. And I don't say they're catching them all. I don't really think there's that many terrorists out there. I don't really think there's that many people that fucking hate us. And I think that number would be substantially less if we weren't occupying in other fucking countries. But the bottom line is they're coming up with all these laws that are set up to control us and to shackle us, to put us down.

And they're protecting us from what? These laws are for what? Where is this threat? Where is this threat in our country that you need to create these laws? Well, the only threat is to the power that be. That's the only threat. The powers that be are the only ones who are being threatened. That's it.

It's not like we have to worry about terrorist attacks. You know, that's a bullshit thing, man. There's not that many fucking terrorists. There's not that many. Yeah, there are some, and yeah, there are plots, and yeah, some are legit. But the laws that they're coming up with, man, they're not doing this to protect us from terrorism. They're doing this to make it harder for people to get up and protest. That's what the fuck they're doing.

It's a spooky time. This is a spooky time to watch this shit go down. It's like this is everything they warned us about in the Founding Fathers. This is everything Benjamin Franklin said. This is bizarre. It's like they predicted it they predicted that one day there would become a point of ultimate corruption you have to do everything you can and keep these pieces in place in order to avoid that ultimate corruption this is communist 3d yeah it's not really communism it's communism 3d or whatever

like they're coming at your computers and uh suppose and pull you over and take your fucking this and ask you for an ID. And I understand you're protecting us. But again, protecting us from how much? How much are you from protecting us? You've got middle America running fucking scared with CNN and the media. Running scared. And they don't know. They really don't fucking know that they're scaring us into giving us, us giving up our

rights. Yeah. All of our rights. That's what they want us to do. Give us our fucking rights by scaring us. Well, if you don't let me fucking x-ray you, we can't catch a fucking whatever. If you, you know, it's always something. These phone laws, it's always fucking something every week.

Well, you know, there's a lot of people that believe that the government would have tried some sort of a false flag event. You know what a false flag event is? Like an event that like, they'll do something on purpose in order to get us to realize, whoa, there's a threat. We need to like beef up the law.

And that's like shit that they've pulled since the beginning of time. But there's a lot of people that don't believe they can do that today. They think that it's too easy. The access to information is just too easy to spread. And with the internet, it's so difficult to control things, they don't think they can do it.

What happened to the Occupy movement? Still going on. Where? Everywhere. Olive Garden? Where the fuck are these people? Where the fuck are they protesting against American Airlines with the $20 luggages? Where the fuck are they protesting against American Airlines with the $20 luggages? Where the fuck are these people? American Airlines

$20. You know, everybody's paying the $20 for the luggage. Where are all these people? That's one of Occupy that's not like... American Airlines fucking luggage thing. The Occupy movement for me.

The Occupy movement for me. Where I fucking loved it. I thought the thing. For me, I think that all we got to do is bring half of these corporations back to the United States. I don't care if you want to open up something across the United States. Yeah. But you got to open up one here too. You got to have two.

You got to pay taxes for this one and then do whatever the fuck you want in Beijing with Hindus or whatever the fuck you want to do. And that's what's killed middle America. They've left Pittsburghittsburgh there's no more manufacturing there's no more manufacturing well that's what i that's what i want back you know we have some fucking jobs we've talked about this before about like ipods like i or uh you know an iphone i would pay like i would pay like double the amount of money for a karma free iphone there was work you know that american workers $64 more is what it would cost yeah i there was work you know that american workers 64 dollars more is what it would cost yeah i heard that but you know here's the problem with that logic the minerals the minerals to make those phones you have to get in africa and you've seen how

they get those minerals man that's that's at the end of the most complicated shit that we have technology at its root is a kid in africa working in a fucking mine pulling shit out of the ground with a piece of metal and a stick i mean it's it's it's as as base as you can get child fucking slavery in africa making get extracting minerals is super common yeah you know it's it's the you know they had that vice, what they did on it when they went to the Congo and watched these guys. And it's weird to think that that's the only way you could do that. The only way you can get those minerals is you got to go there. That's where they're at.

But, you know, the other stance, I want to have kids just so I have them doing chores because I don't want to have a maid in my house. But it seems like when I was young, I had to clean the living room once in a time. And that's kind of like having your kid being a child laborer. You know, like you're making them clean your house. What's that? Chores? What? Chores used to have the children's responsibility.

I used to have to clean bathrooms, scrub bathrooms when I was 11. It's because kids have to have responsibility, learn to contribute. I am happy my parents made me do chores. Fuck you. Because it taught me how to work hard. Fuck you. It taught me how to just buckle up and fucking work hard. I think my parents made me do chores. Fuck you. Because it taught me how to work hard. Fuck you. It taught me how to just buckle up and fucking work hard. I think my parents took advantage of me.

I was mowing lawns and shit. And then I'm like looking back going, man, I need that in my life right now. I need to have kids just to clean this place up because I'm tired of doing it myself. I'm not sure how the fuck that works with child labor in Africa in phones. I'm not sure how you made that connection with child labor in Africa in phones. I'm not sure how you made that connection. Because it's like making kids work. It's not making kids work. It's not putting them to work for money.

It's work. Helping out and contributing it at home is not work, Brian. My mother used to make me fucking work, man. What's that? My mother used to make me fucking work. I used to have to empty the tampon things in the women's fucking bathroom at my mother's bar when I was six. Jesus Christ.

And put ice cubes in the fucking urinals and fucking stock the ice. Now, why do they do the ice cubes so it doesn't splatter back at you? I don't fucking know. Or is it just to make- That's disgusting. To play a game? My dad was an architect, so most of my jobs that I got, like summer jobs and shit, it was always on construction sites. So I worked like real jobs.

I had some real construction jobs. And especially after I graduated, I had some that went through the winter. We worked outside in the winter once. Those are real jobs. Those are my best days, bro. I used to roof in Coloradoado flat roofs stock them in the dead of the winter i remember one day i took a shit in the bag and crunched it up and gave it to one of the workers and told him it was a brownie like 10 minutes later he's like this

ain't a brownie it smells like shit we're fucking dying to laugh i used to be a fucking roofer an estimating roofer when i got out of prison, I was in the halfway house. I was an estimator for a roofing company. Oh, my God. But I started out as a fucking loading the roofs in Cabolda, Colorado in January in the fucking snow. And you got to get up there and shovel the snow, then cut it and throw it in. And then, oh. Jesus. We used to build igloos to fucking put rubber down on the roofs.

That's fucking crazy. Well, they work. That's the thing about Colorado. Used to build igloos. What do you mean? So let's say you have to lay down 40 squares of rubber that day with ballasted rocks. We would shovel the roof, and after the fucking shoveling,

we'd lay the insulation down, but it was snowing. So three laborers would be cutting the roof, and the other three were building poles with a cover so the snow wouldn't land on the insulation so we'd have to build shit when it snowed it was like in new jersey and new york city which is the biggest metropolitan city they get six inches of snow and the city closes down i thought he was like blocking ice and making like colorado they get a foot of snow and you're at work at 801 it's like another day of business you can't say well my bus came late because it didn't come late, bitch. That motherfucker came on time.

They've been driving in the snow for 20 years. There's no I'm 10 minutes late because there was snow in Colorado. There never is. You know what was really impressive? We were in Montreal in December and it was cold as fuck. But man, that airport was smooth. They're de-icing. They had that shit down pat.

Well, these new modern airports, yeah. They were plowing the runways and cleaning everything. And they heated runways. Yeah. So it's just not really fucking amazing. Amazing. Yeah, they avoid a lot of bullshit. They plan well for the cold up there.

Yeah, they do. In Colorado, too, they really do. In the suburbs, it snowed a foot, and the fucking guy came by with the plow and he did it, and it's over. It's over. In the bigger cities, it snows in three days. They don't fucking plow to you. The crazy shit is when you hear

about the mountains getting seven feet. Like every now and then, they'll get a snow dump, and seven feet of snow will fall on. I don't think people even understand what the fuck that means. I've compared it it for people it means you're not going anywhere nowhere you're not going anywhere for a week at least i hit i hit the 1983 if you could get a minute i hit the 1983 blizzard which was 24 days in a row of snow anywhere fromwhere from two inches, Joe, to two feet. But it didn't matter. It didn't matter. It was snow

every day. So you pretty much went home and got up to work. Thanksgiving blizzard. Oh, hard. That's what Colorado's known for. They say that Colorado gets blizzards always around Thanksgiving or Halloween. One or the other. And it hits you early, just to remind you, bitch.

Put away the... You know what I'm saying? Like, don't get too comfortable with your shorts. It hits you like in September. My sister was born in the blizzard of 78 in Ohio, and they had to take a helicopter, had to go to my parents' house and pick her up, my mom up, to have a baby. Are you serious? Yeah. Really?

Yeah. Holy shit. How much was that fucking helicopter ride? I know insurance didn't cover it. Yeah. I know insurance didn't cover it. One of the biggest snowstorms to ever hit a major city in the U.S., the Thanksgiving blizzard of 1983. Kyra.

Yeah. Particularly, the blizzard just wanted a whole series of storms that blew through the country over a two-week period. So something happened, and a weather pattern got stuck over there or something. Oh, it was hard. Joe Rogan. And it wasn't. I remember looking at the sky, how the sky looked.

Like you could still see the moon in the fucking morning. Like at 5 in the morning, you could still see the moon, and the sun's coming out at the same time with that haze. It's just fucking beautiful. The mountains are powerful. How long did it take before people could move around? 20 minutes. No, no, no, no. After the blizzard. Like how long before people could move around? 20 minutes. No, no, no, no.

After the blizzard. How long before people could drive around? 20 minutes. No, come on. Bro, it's Colorado. Seven feet of snow? How the fuck? Oh, I mean, it's snowing and people living their life.

You know what I'm saying? It's just snowing and it's adding up. And you're still living your life. You're like, whoa, we got a foot of snow. And all of a sudden you go in, you look out at midnight. Honey, I got to put my shoes on. I got to go back out there and shovel. It was one of those things.

I've read that they've gotten seven feet of snow in some areas. But my brain won't let me believe that. Fucking seven feet. My brain is going, shut up. That's over a car. What? Seven fucking feet. Seven feet of snow.

What? Is that real? That's real, bro. That's fucking real. What is the deepest. What? Is that real? That's real, bro. That's fucking real. What is the most, the deepest snow that has ever been recorded? Like, the deepest snowfall? Let's find out. What is the deepest?

I don't think it's here, either. I don't think it would be in the United States. The most amount of snowfall in one storm? Yeah, I don't think it would be in the United States. Some would. What's the deepest snowfall in the United States? Oh, shit. It's a race between me typing.

1993 storm of the century. Let me check on that. The total snowfall 12 feet. Oh my god. 12.91 feet. Hold on a second. Storm of the century. 93 super storm. The blizzard

of 1993. The east coast of North America blah blah blah blah blah killed 310 people what is the most snow in a storm ever butthole. I loved it in 83. Jesus Christ. Snow drifts are as high as 35 feet. Yeah, bro. But that's a drift. You see some wild shit living up there in Aspen off of Ajax.

You see some fucking drifts. I remember going to Riverton, Wyoming and all that. My buddies used to jump off a helicopter and land in the snow, and they'd say there had to be 20 feet of fucking snow under them. Can you imagine that? Just jumping out of a helicopter 20 feet and landing in snow with your poles. That's James Bond type shit. That's crazy.

That's crazy shit. Helicopter skiing. They take you up there where there's no lifts. There's no lifts. That's why they're there. Oh, my God. Yeah. And you just go down, and you don't know what's under you.

Those videos, whenever I watch those videos, those extreme sports videos of guys jumping out of helicopters or the fucking snowboard and going down the side of a mountain. That's ridiculous. That might as well be taking place on Avatar. You might as well be doing some silver surfer shit. You know, I can't even believe I'm sharing the planet with you. You're a crazy person.

You're living the nuttiest life. That's like suicide, right? No. I'm just having the best suicide. They have massive confidence in their ability to surf and ski. And I guess the rush of it is so spectacular that they're willing to take the risk of dying. People die all the time. Somebody just died the other day.

Yeah, the skier. Yeah, the girl, yeah. I think she was doing some crazy sort of a jump, though. Oh, really? Yeah. Those are really dangerous, man. You know, you're fucking ski jumping. You're flying through the air, and you're hoping you're going to land perfectly on this fucking slope, and everything's all slippery.

Like Valentine's Week in Aspen, I was telling you, that's when the lowest point of moisture is in the air. So people ski with bikinis on in February. And what they do is they build a ramp in Snowmass Village. People ski down with bikinis and do a loop-de-loop over a fucking pool. There's nothing wrong with that. Over a fucking swimming pool. And people do it all the time. And you're like, oh, my God.

Like, I could never even. I was just happy skiing, going, you know, on like a green fucking slope or something. I was just happy. Not jumping and shit like that. But sometimes I would ski and pick up momentum, and I'd just crash just to stop Joe Rogan. That's how fast you go on those fucking skis. I'm telling you the truth. I'm telling you the truth.

I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you. When I first started skiing the first season, I wasn't too good at stopping. I would do the plows and shit, and I would just take out fucking ski lines. I would just take them the fuck out because I had no choice. I would just put my head down and go in there like fucking Jerome Bettis. People get hurt that way. People get fucking hurt. That's how a lot of people get torn knees that way. People get fucking hurt. And then I started.

That's how a lot of people get torn knees, right? People crashing into them. Yeah. My second season, I started plowing a little better. And I got better. But there's times where you're picking up some speed. And you're like, whoa, wait a second. I would just fall.

Remember when it killed Sonny Bono, man? Yeah, that was a fucking tree. That's. Damn. And that happens. That happens. You're just skiing. You hit something.

You ski twist you're going right there god damn that's how you're going up at the ski that was when I learned about coolness does anybody ski

with a helmet on I would would you yeah I mean would you ski with like a big Michelin man outfit yeah

a big Nerf outfit like that's when I learned about coolness I thought coolness was being in New York in the village and smoking a joint. No? No, no, no. When you go skiing and you get in that fucking gondola and there's six people and they look like your grandpa.

And all of a sudden somebody goes over and goes, do you mind if I spark up a joint? And you're like, are you fucking serious? Really? They spark up joints on the gondolas? They give you mushrooms. What? They spark joints. You don't know who you...

People go skiing to the doctors and go, look, we can't get high in Minneapolis, but we're going to get high when we go to Aspen. We're trying it. We're doing it. We're doing mushrooms. Aspen's kind of a crazy town, isn't it? Yes, it's very.

But it's weird that there's so many rich people that live in Aspen. I remember being in Aspen going, how are they affording all these houses? These are just giganti, multi, multi, multi-million dollar houses all over the place. And the stores were all like the highest end stores. How many people actually live up there, though? Is it all like winter? Hit the button.

Mostly winter. A lot of the summers are fucking beautiful in Aspen. Yeah. And you got to remember, this is the sick thing about Aspen. These are their second homes, guys. Yeah. These are their winter homes, guys. Yeah. These are their winter homes. Right.

They close them up and put a, the guy I house that for was the owner of the, he was on the board of TGIF Friday, and this was one of his eight houses, and he would only use it one week a year. Jesus Christ. And he wanted you to live in the house, so when he came to town, there was no dilemmas. Right. The guy had four bedrooms. I undid the speedometer on his fucking jeep i was living up there like montana had jacuzzi inside outside

he had an apartment over the garage that's common right that people hire a care yeah they hire a caretaker and all my job was 20 hours a month so it was either 20 hours of mowing the lawn or 20 hours of shoveling snow or both. That's it. It wasn't much. And so what, he would just call you when he's coming into town? He would call me and say, I'm coming in December 14th through the 28th. And you would just start cleaning up? And I would clean up his side of the house, and I had everything stashed in his side of the house.

I had an office in the side of the house. I had scales up there. I had everything. Really? Yeah. He had one, two, three, five bedrooms, an outside jacuzzi, inside jacuzzi. So even when he was there, you were still

staying there? I would stay in the garage over there. He had an apartment he built that was beautiful. Cable, everything. Wow. So I would stay there. Only for that one week. I was only a caretaker there for like three years. Did you whack off in his bed? I fucked, sucked.

I did everything in his fucking house. I had the keys to the cabinets because what you do is you put all your stuff in a particular cabinet and lock it. Right. So if you rent it out or your friends come to visit, they don't fuck with your shit. Right. That's what you do. Right. But I had the keys to that so I'd make my fucking...

He had pounds of elk and venison up there. He was a hunter up there. So it was an amazing fucking gig. But that was part of his thing. Use everything. Use everything. I don't want to come to town and have to, you know, I don't want the sink to be broken because your pipes freeze.

Right, right, right. So he's like, I need you in the house taking a shower. And, yeah, you know, at that time it was state of the fucking art house. Yeah, you have to live in it, right? 435 Farway Road. I snorted more fucking blow and ate more snatch in that fucking house. I've seen some creepy shit. I remember being in there with a couple one night.

And I met them at the bar. I knew her from the cheesecake. And they had a cheesecake store. There wasn't a cheesecake factory. It was 1984. And I invited them over. And I went to change, and she was naked. And I invited them over and I went to change and she was naked.

And I was like, what the fuck? And she goes, what do you think of my tits? And we all went back in the jacuzzi. And then at like 5 in the morning he was a baker at Paul LaFrance. I don't know if they're still there. And he left. They both left. And then she called me and said, come get me. And I went over, picked her up, brought her back to the jacuzzi.

I had the weirdest fucking things happen in Aspen. The weirdest sex things. That's a crazy fucking town. Because it's like anywhere else. When people come up there for a week, they want to fucking suck. You know? People want to get lost. And the people that would just kill up there were people from Texas.

I went to. They would fucking spend millions up there. I went to one of those bars, one of the local bars with one of the agents when we had the Aspen Comedy Festival. Right. Remember that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The HBO Festival.

And I was with this agent. And he goes, you see these girls? See that girl, that girl, that girl? I go, yeah. He goes, those are all hookers. Thousand a night. I was like, what? Thousand a night.

They just go to bars and they just wait and they're hookers. They come into town, apparently, he was saying, that some of them know during ski season that there's a lot of wealthy men. 1,000 a night. That's incredible. So they come in and they hunt. This is their hunting ground. That's amazing.

They get a job on a lift until they meet a sugar daddy and then it's all over. Really? Or they just go up there to hook up in Aspen. It's amazing. That's amazing. It's amazing. There's so much dough up there, and there's so many folks. It's crazy.

I remember going up there when I- It's hard to get there. I left New York City in the peak of New York City, and I went to Aspen, and they weren't missing a beat. Wow. There was a bar named Patty Bugatti's that had a swimming pool in the middle. A bar with a swimming pool? Yeah, right in the middle the middle that's awesome so you could swim while you were drinking get coked up people in there with their clothes naked this was aspen in 83 you know in 83 aspen was the cocaine fucking capital of the country because there was so much

money up there that's where miami vice was and gl Frey and your boy Woody Creek and Sidney Poitier, Michael Douglas. You've just seen people come in. Elizabeth Taylor. I've seen what's her name once? The Flying Nun. That badass bitch. The chick that was hanging out with Burt Reynolds for a while. Sally Fields. That fine-ass bitch at that time with her brown hair and her

mink on. Charles Bronson was up there running shit for a while. When I first moved to Aspen, they had KTLA. It was only one channel. And all they did was play Mr. Majestic. Isn't it hard to get into Aspen, though, like to fly in? Isn't it a difficult flight? Well, they don't land in there at night.

After 8 o'clock or something, they got strict rules. But now you can fly to Aspen from L.A. direct. In the old days, it was just Denver and Colorado Springs. And like I told you, if you fly into Aspen as you're flying over Woody Creek, there's a guy that dumped his wife that was a stewardess. So he painted a finger on his roof. So when you fly over Aspen in the daytime, there's always a roof with a fucking finger on it because his wife was a stewardess for one of the airlines.

Oh, that's hilarious. How fucking, Woody Creek is a very, I remember being a kid, and Conoco at the old Snowmass border, there was a Conoco there, the guys were from New York. And when you went in there, they had New York time and Colorado time. But I remember seeing Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn with those fucking kids being kids. Like, I didn't know she was the girl from fucking, I didn't know she was going to be a star.

They were kids at Conoco. And at Conoco, see, at that time in Colorado, it was all retired drug dealers. Right? So the feds were up there big time. So an old snow master had this drug dealer. So the feds fucking put cameras around his house. But they didn't know how to do it then. So it came up on people's cable TV.

So people were on cable going, hey, bro, you're on Channel 4. You're cooking eggs, aren't you? And he's like, how do you know? He sued the government. Wow. For fucking millions. I mean, Aspen's got some wild fucking shit. There's a guy, look him up, Stephen Grabo.

He got caught with $8 million, Joe Rogan. December of 83. December of 84. He was 30 days away from standing trial. And they blew him up with a pipe bomb at the Aspen Club when he was working out. And that was the only night he didn't pay somebody to start his fucking car. They blew him up with a fucking pipe bomb in the city of Aspen, which in 83, there wasn't even a fucking Spanish person up there.

It was just nice white people. Jesus Christ. This is his first sentence. Despite its reputation as a city that never sleeps, thanks to the copious consumption of chemical stimulants, Aspen has seen relatively few large-scale drug busts. Wow. So they're just doing drugs up in Aspen.

This is a fucking terrible place. You come in with the government. You come in. Listen, the jail in Aspen don't got a kitchen. That's the only jail in the country that don't have a kitchen. They get their food catered. Wow. So you get muffins for breakfast and tea.

Really? Yeah, that's why Bundy escaped from there. How do you think these people fucking escaped from there? Wow. He went to use the phone and climbed out a fucking window. Aspen, Colorado, when I was there, some guy shot a guy with a machine gun in a coke party. Shot him with a machine gun.

They had the guy fishing. They take you to fishing trips in the summer. Down the fucking roaring fork thing. They take you fishing. They take the guy fishing. They take you to fishing trips in the summer. What? Down to the fucking Roaring Fork thing. They take you fishing. They take the prisoners fishing? When I went to prison, the biggest thing, I wanted to go to Rifle because they gave you a job as a lifeguard in the city. So they used the prisoners as lifeguards, and they gave you a job in the movie theater in Rifle. I ended up at Camp George West, but I really wanted to go to Rifle, which is on the other side of the hill of Aspen.

It's like an hour from Aspen. But in the wintertime, they had work because you took over the city of the prisoners But it's fucking Aspen has no Fucking kitchen my friend. That's ridiculous. They still get food catered for them What is there like a lot of shit up there though? It's just there's just sort of the when I give you that fact this people twit me right now going Joe. You're an asshole I'm telling you in There's just sort of the scheme. When I give you that fact, there's people tweeting me right now going, Joe, you're an asshole. I'm telling you, in 1983, if you look it up,

Aspen, Colorado was the cocaine capital of the country because Colorado's right in the middle of the country. At that time, Mexico, we weren't using Mexico. So it was Miami, and everything got shipped to Colorado, and from Colorado it went to Minneapolis, Seattle, California, everybody's waiting for something in California. Everybody's waiting for something in California. Everybody's waiting for you in California. In Colorado, it's a bunch of fucking guys with horses at the airport helping you carry the coke into the plane.

Can I help you with that? They're helping you. It's a very mystique type of fucking city at the top of this. It's Glenwood Springs, Snowmass Village, Woody Creek, and Aspen sits on the fucking top. Dude, this is the whole story. 19-8, the Greybow case. That's it.

Yeah, it tells about how he was blown up in a bomb placed in a borrowed car that he drove to the Aspen Club for a tennis match. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with here? Joey Bananas, I'll drop it. And if I'm right, it was December 12th or December something. December 1985. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with here? A bomb in a borrowed car as he drove to the Aspen Club for a tennis match.

Could you imagine all those fucking Aspenites up there? Listen to me. Showing up with their tennis outfits on, their Mercedes, and pulling into the driveway, and his fucking car blows up. All right, listen to these numbers. He was making $6 million every six weeks. After two or three years, he was making so much money. He was a Jewish kid that went to Miami, to the University of Miami, to get a degree and ended up hanging out with Cubans and Colombians.

And that was it. They made him a white guy. They just said, you're going to control the West Coast. And he was making $6 million every six weeks. He couldn't even cleanse it fast enough. So he would come into your restaurant and go, Joe Rogan, I'm going to give you $25,000 cash. Tell me when it's over.

So he would go to every restaurant in this area and give them all $25,000 and go, do me a favor. Tell me when it's over. So I'm just going to come in and eat every day. Just tell me when the $25,000. And the quicker the better. Like if I come in here for three hot dogs, tell me the $25,000 is gone. You're doing me a favor so when they busted him they just didn't bust him if you read the story

they went to all these businesses you know that there's a movie now they did years later that was his story where he had safes at all the restaurants so he would come to your restaurant go i'm gonna give you 25 grand a month to eat here tell me when it's over but i'm gonna put a safe in the back and he started putting so when the feds came up there they found a million two million all these things oh my god they took him to denver he couldn't even wash the money fast enough they took him to denver in denver the feds go go back to the fucking house because there's still another 10 million that we haven't found we've been listening to him so they went back to the house couldn't find it couldn't find

it he had it hidden in a garbage can filled with leaves outside how the feds got him was they were going and taking his garbage and they were looking at his paperwork so the feds would come every morning and take his garbage and look at the figures he would do they did it from the scrappings all the little figures you do and rip up yeah Yeah. All that shit. That's how they nailed him. So they waited a fucking year till he was 30 days away from sentencing in this beautiful white suburban town of Aspen, Colorado.

And on a Sunday night, they fucking blew him up in a rented car. Why do you think he had a borrowed car? Because at that point, he had eight cars in his garage. He had cars everywhere he couldn't trust any of them he couldn't trust any of them they knew he knew that the the the colombians weren't going to take whether he talked or not why take the chance we're going to kill him so he

had bodyguards and he didn't know that they put a fucking pipe bomb on him that was miami vice type shit he went to start his car and he almost, but the pipe went up through his fucking ass, and he almost bled to death. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The pipe bomb went through him or something. Something weird. He bled out or something. He could have lived.

Very interesting, Aspen, Colorado. Very interesting place. Jesus Christ. That's hilarious. Well, whenever you have drugs, you're going to have violence. Whenever you have people buying massive amounts of coke or whatever the fuck they're doing up there. This is where it gets better. Is it coke up there?

This is where it gets better. He never seen it. What do you mean? He moved so much blow. He never even seen it. He didn't see the blow. He would go to the bank and get $500 worth of quarters a day. His whole day was just getting quarters, and then he would drive three hours to a pay phone

and do all his business from a pay phone. He never waited. He never seen it. He never touched it. He just moved it. Go to Minneapolis. Go to L.A. Go to New Mexico.

Jesus Christ. He was the center right there. And so he did it all from pay phones? Everything was from pay phones. That's fucking genius. Everything was from a pay phone. 500 a day. And they were watching him at the bank.

They were watching him. They were watching. You know, how big is Aspen? You fart, the whole fucking town smells it. That's amazing. It's seven blocks or something. Eight blocks. Galena Street, Main Street.

You don't have much up there. It's not very big. He wasn't selling it up there. It wasn't like he was at bars at night. No. The guy was just. That's just where he was. He was just moving it across the country.

Very interesting fucking story about that. That's a hell of a network you put together to be able to accomplish that. One of the first guys ever, Jewish guy. What would it be like if cocaine was legal? Annoying. Annoying. Would it be? Yeah.

Super, right? I'm the only one here that hasn't done it. Very bad. Very bad if they want to legalize that shit. People go to pharmacies and shit. Very bad. Very bad if they want to legalize that shit. People go to pharmacies and shit.

It's just, and it's a creepy thing when you're doing it, and it's even creepier when you're not doing it. Yeah. You know, when you see it now, you're like, wow. Is that how creepy I was? Is that obvious? Yeah. Is that obvious? Somebody told me today at the wheat store that they went to a party yesterday,

and obviously the kid didn't know it was not a coke party because they went to a football thing, and the kid, I'm like, isn't that weird? When one person is doing it, they stick out that much. That's a weird feeling when you're talking to a dude and they're coked up. And they give off that weird, unpredictable energy like, well, I've got to get away from this guy. I can't even read this motherfucker. I don't know what he's doing.

They come off off, shifty, looking around a lot, can't shut the fuck up, constantly yapping. It's a tough fucking afternoon. When you were talking about the largest snowfall, did you hear what the actual one is? No. This is ridiculous. It's 141 feet in more than five days. What? Where is this at?

It was in 1955, Alaska. Wow. Jesus Christ. How is that even possible? So what happens? It just covers the house, and that's it. You die. You die.

There's no air left. You're trapped in Tom and Jerry style where your windows. Yeah, you can't shovel that away quick enough. Yeah. Yeah, what happens? You die. Yeah, you pretty much lived off of whatever was in your house, I guess. Yeah, but even then, you don't have any air.

Where's your air coming from? You're going to get air from the melting? You probably have to make a pipe using sticks. And then all that snow melts, it's going to be a fucking river that's going to wash your house away. Yeah. That's crazy. Unless you start eating it. Maybe it was in a very rural area where nobody lives.

Maybe that's why their subjects are such giant snow dumps. Yeah. And they just had 20 feet last week or so. What? Yeah, so it's that their subjects are such giant snow dumps yeah and they just had 20 feet like last week or so what yes it's not 20 feet god damn jesus fucking christ yeah there's some spots in this world that are really hazardous you could deal with some shit that's the one thing you live in california for a little while people forget. They completely forget that there's nature to consider. Like everybody's been freaking out these last couple days. The reason why this podcast started late is because some truck flipped over

on the highway because nobody knows how to drive when it gets wet. In the rain. Yeah, because it gets wet here and everybody just spazzes out. And on top of it, the road is greasy as fuck because of the fact that it doesn't rain very often. When it does rain, it brings up all that oil from people's cars and tires and all that shit. And all the shit that's on the

car. Everyone has dirty cars or has film on the car that's whatever. That rinses off as well. Yeah, wax and all kinds of other shit. Chemtrails, Joe Rogan. Chemtrails. But there was so I saw a guy lose it last night. I was right behind him

415 it's a 25 minute ride from my house Yeah, I left at 3 o'clock As I was leaving and it was slow the whole way and then as I got closer seen the helicopter Yeah, helicopters don't show for a little accident. They show for some heavy duties. Yeah There's too many of us man, there's too many fucking people living in one place all we need is one thing to go wrong i tell you man when i was in ohio though i don't give a shit because right now it's gonna be 90 degrees thursday and that's that's worth it to me just one day or here no here oh yeah it's gonna be 90 on fucking thursday yeah i like people on the East Coast right now that call me and go, it's 65 today and tomorrow, bitch.

February is next month, motherfucker. Call me February 15th with your fucking bikini on. Yeah, exactly. Call me February 15th, motherfucker. Call me Valentine's Day. It's definitely harder to live in a place like that. It makes life harder. Oh, yeah.

It just makes life harder. Fucking Ari's going to Minneapolis this week. He's crazy. He's going to that house in the mall. He's doing a fucking scavenger hunt in the mall with edibles. I'm going to give him a piece of banana bread. I'm going to the Brea Tar Pits.

They don't play there. It's not the same. You in jail right next to Jesse fucking Ventura. That's how you thought I had to stop eating edibles because of that fucking surgery. You have to stop you, dog, I had to stop eating edibles because of that fucking surgery. Yeah? You have to stop eating edibles? Why?

I had to because it just, dog, I fainted from reading the fucking paperwork. I fainted from reading the initial. Why? We discussed this before. The needles. Oh, the blood. When I got to the fucking stature,

what is it, sutures? What do you call it? Sutures. Sutures? Yeah. That he's going to put sutures in my knee? Yeah. I fainted. Really? It was coming out from under my titties. That's when you know you got fucking. Wow.ers? What do you call it? Stoochers. Stoochers? Yeah. That he's going to put stoochers in my knee? I fainted.

Really? It was coming out from under my titties. That's when you know you got fucking. Wow. So I said, you know what? I think I had an edible that day. And then last week I smoked a little piece of hash. And I read fucking, I went online just to prepare for surgery.

I thought it would tell me what vitamins to take. And I'm reading about this arthroscopic surgery. And I went fucking down on my fucking office. What exactly are they saying is wrong with your knee? Meniscus tear, a little bit of arthritis, and a little cyst from the meniscus tearing. Okay. So they're going to extract the cyst, and then they're going to clean up the meniscus. Yeah, that's not too bad.

No, no, no. That's like six weeks, and you're pretty close to 100%. Yeah, I waited six weeks last time I did that and then was training six weeks later. So did you ride a bike or go swimming right afterward just to get your leg? Bike is really good. Swimming is decent too, but what I like about a bike is that it's stationary. It's constant. You don't have to worry about side-to-side motion,

and you can just do it at a light pace where you're stimulating the tendons and the ligaments and the muscle tissue, but you're not really taxing the knee. So you don't do it hard. It's basically you're doing it. 45 minutes? Don't even start with that, man. No, I've been doing it 45 to an hour. Oh, now or before.

I'm just doing it just to get everything in order. Yeah, that's good. Joe, you should get one of these. Fitbit. You'll become addicted to it. It tracks. We talked about this on a podcast the other day with Bert Kreischer. Most people won't know, though, because we talked about it on the Death Squad one.

Oh, yeah. So what it is, it's this thing that you clip on, and it automatically tracks how many steps you make, how many stairs you walk. It tracks just like— It's Bert Kreischer who told us about it, right? Yeah. He's the one that told us about it on the Ice House Chronicles. And so, you know, what's really neat is that it has, like, a thing in it that you can also wear when you sleep. So it detects whenever you wake up.

And so then it adds up how long you're actually sleeping every night. And you'll be surprised. You think, like, oh, I got, like, 10 hours sleep, when in reality you didn't. Like, half the time you were, like, awake or you would wake up. And it's based on, you know,s like your heartbeat it detects it has a gyroscope in it or whatever the fuck it's called where so it tells you it knows when you're walking and all this amazing yeah and then it wirelessly broadcasts it to this website and it shows you in graphs like like how much you did and stuff and you try to, the more you use it, the more you're like a game.

You try to beat it. It's like Twitter addictive. Like it's really interesting. And like I just became friends on Burt Kreischer's thing. It's like having a new Facebook where it just tracks your shit every night. And I just did like a big.

That's incredible. Yeah, I did a little review on it. It's at deskwad.tv and there's links to buy it. I'm going to tell you something, bro. When I, that new Sleep Apnea machine they gave me me after the other one fucked up that time They gave me a new one where I thought the old one was good this new one

I could take the card out put it into my computer and I could tell you what nights I drank alcohol You know, I don't drink alcohol right tell you now what nights I drank because you can see how you're in your sleep pattern That's amazing. I go for more one of these I tried one and then the other thing it tells you I go for more. You got to get one of these things, man. I try it more. And then the other thing it tells you, I could even tell when I smoked a lot of weed that day. What was the difference? Like, I'll snore. Really?

If I smoke too much weed, my wife will tell you, you know, you were snoring the other night. I went by Edwin San Juan and smoked 50 fucking joints. And that makes you snore more? Yeah, something. It's probably because you're relaxed. Yeah. Fuck it. Yeah, that's what it is. It's probably because you relax. Do you want to snore? Yeah. Fuck it. Yeah, that's what it is.

You're probably out there fucking cold. Brian Redband, Death Squad, number six on the podcast. Motherfucker. On iTunes right now. Number six, bitches. That's pretty strong. Fuck around, guys. Oh, shit.

Well, did you just congratulate yourself? That was the award. That was the award. That's the link in my iPhone. Dude, that's strong. That's from the Ice House Chronicles. And Callen also. Yeah, Brian Callen Show now is, that's strong. That's from the Ice House Chronicles. And Callen also. Yeah, Brian Callen Show now is,

he's just going to call it the Brian Callen Show. The Brian Callen Show, which I like. Which I like too. He doesn't need another name. He was trying to figure out if he should have a theme, but I'm like, he's so interesting. Why box yourself in? That guy can just ramble on about anything.

He's one of my favorite dudes to talk to. And that podcast we had with Dane Cook, that was amazing. That was interesting. And that dude, T.J. Miller, apparently wants to talk to. And that podcast we had with Dane Cook, that was amazing. That was interesting. And that dude, T.J. Miller, apparently wants to talk to me about it. I would talk to him about it. I don't hate that dude. I don't know him. I don't think

it's a good idea to go on long rants about people working out material that haven't been on stage for a year, though. That's just how I feel. You know? Joey, what are you doing just checking on something my bitch is called listen i don't know what it was about i didn't i don't give a fuck yeah well if you don't know what it's about everybody should know

yeah dane cook bumped him dumped bumped everybody at the laugh factor which happens on stage well it does happen all the time you know but what i said to dane really does stand true like really he doesn't have to do that and it's a strong move to just come on after everybody it's a strong move to like let everybody else go on stage and then you go on last man you're the big star i agree and like tell everybody like let them know hey dane cook is going to be on later yay so then these guys do their time. They'll wait. Yeah, they'll wait. It ain't that hard, man. It ain't that hard to wait.

But it's a thing that we had to experience when we were coming up. It was a constant thing. It always has been that way, especially in LA when a big guy shows up, whether it's Jerry Seinfeld or whoever the fuck it is, they show up, they get on stage. And part of that thrill is that the audience members know that if they come to the improv, it's very likely one night that maybe Daniel Tosh will walk on stage, even if he's not on schedule. That maybe someone they've seen on TV will walk on stage. And that's a part

of the thrill. And in the stand-up comic, the famous ones, in exchange, they do these sets for free, for the for their ability to just go on stage anytime they want and it does seem unfair to the people that are coming up i completely agree you know it's it's unfair no doubt about it i don't do it but um i understand i under i understand the idea behind it because every comic has had to deal with that i've the only time i've ever bumped anybody's when i show up at the club. And then they ask me, would you like to go on stage? I'm like, if it's not a big deal, I'll go on stage. But I don't want to fuck anybody's night up.

And then they go and check and then make sure everything's okay. But if there's any drama or bullshit at all, I would way rather just go on last. Just put me on after everything's done. Like, what, you can't perform at the end? Everybody is so terrified of someone strong going on before them, which is so silly because that's what you want. You want everybody laughing. The reason why I started bringing you on the road with me,

the reason why I bring an Ari on the road with me, is because they're fucking hilarious. I went to the improv twice in the last 10 days, and both times people came up to me and said that they had to leave and go do a set. Yeah, they don't want to go on after you. No, I have no choice. I don't give a fuck. Because I'm going to get off stage, and you're still going to be in the bar drinking.

I'm going to take that bottle. I'm going to break it over your fucking head. So before you come lie to me that you have a showcase at the store or you got to go, just be a man. There was a lot of that at the store. Just don't show that. But don't come up to me and say, you got to go up because your agent's here, and your agent's at home eating fucking cheese doodles.

Don't say that shit to me. There was a lot of that at the store. A guy would claim that he had a showcase. There was guys who used to get sets. They couldn't get sets, but they could get sets when they had showcases. So they would lie and say they were having a showcase. And then nobody would show up. So now you have to verify it.

You guys got to call and say I'm coming. And that was Mike Young's move. Yeah, that was Mike Young. Loved that move. When Mitzi iced him out, that's what he did. He started having regular showcases. And that was Mike Young's move. Yeah, that was Mike Young. Loved that move. When Mitzi iced him out, that's what he did. He started having regular showcases. And they give you a 9-15 spot,

so it's even better than a fucking spot. Boom. Seven minutes, come in, say hello, get a drink, talk to some bitches. That's where you see the fake it till you make it mentality. When you're in the dirty stages of stand-up development, when everybody's scrounging for morsels. They're all trying to get on stage as much, especially, like,

I don't know how the fuck anybody starts in L.A. That's brutal. Brutal. I mean, Ari did it. Ari basically did his whole career here. But, you know, he got in. He got love at the store. He got love in.

Yeah, and he got in early at the store, too. He got stage time. He got plenty of stage time. That's huge, man, because he got in, like, store, too. He got stage time. He got plenty of stage time. That's huge, man. Because he got in just a couple years into his career. And we started hanging out with us. We started taking him on the road. He was just a few years into his career.

It's amazing how last year I put it together. I didn't know until about 18 to two years ago how much I missed the store. Not the fucking dickheads, but how much I missed the store not the fucking dickheads but how much I missed that type of performing every night and that's why I made it a note now

that I always try to go to crazy places at least every 10 days twice or once a week I gotta go someplace where it's unpredictable I don't want to be in a comedy store setting

because I want that comedy store that what made me a comic was going up at 11.45 after you after fucking Tyree, after Mooney. As a matter of fact, I do miss Paul Mooney. I miss Mooney.

You want me to tell you, I miss the expression that everybody gets that nigga wake-up call. I really do because it's hit home with me so much. I remember when we went to Miami, they kept saying, Cuba, come here. Those Cubans this week got that nigga wake-up call with the little kid that they came and they got. Remember that?

When they had that kid and they pulled him out of the closet with a machine gun? Ariel, Nariel, whatever. Fidel came right in. That governor said, go take him. Jesus Christ.

Remember, she said, go down there and take him. They went right into the neighborhood with fucking jeeps. What the fuck was that all about? What was that all about? Elian Gonzalez? Elian Gonzalez.

What was that all about? And now he's Elian Gonzalez. What was that all about? And now he's like a patriarch in Cuba. He's getting his dick sucked like fucking that Joker. Who's the retarded kid that had this TV show, Corky? Corky. He's like that with a bib on in Cuba in a 1950 Cadillac with tar on it. Is he the raft kid? Yeah, that's the raft kid.

He's good looking now. They just had a thing about him. Is that how he got here on a raft? Yeah, he got here on a raft. Yeah, man. His mother died. His boyfriend. There was a pubic hair on the rap. He's good looking now. They just had to think about it. Is that how he got here on a raft? Yeah, he got here on a raft. Yeah, man. His mother died. His boyfriend. There's a pubic hair on the coke. And he was fucking floating out there on a twig

and some fishermen picked him up. Can you fucking imagine that? What is going to happen when Fidel dies? Because there was a fake Fidel died thing on Twitter the other day. People are wondering. What about the time I told Eddie Fidel died and he was with Dana White and he thought it was a bad conversation.

So he thought Liddell died. So he said, did you ever hear about that? So I'm in a Cuban place and he calls me and goes, what's up? I go, nothing. I'm overheating Cuban food. And you know, Eddie likes all that revolutionary Fidel. And I go, did you hear? There's a rumor going around, brother.

Fidel died. So he's like, what? Let me go online. So he goes online. He goes, hold on. Dana White's right here. Let me ask him. Let me call you back. Oh, no. He calls back. He's got, Dana's online looking for Chuck Liddell dying.

Oh, my God. Fidel, you're fucked. Not Liddell. Oh, my God. Wouldn't you want to verify that? Hold on. Did you just say Liddell? Chuck Liddell? Wouldn't you want to verify that? Hold on. Did you just say Liddell? Chuck Liddell? Wouldn't you want to verify that before you call Desi Larry?

I called Fidel, and he thought I said Liddell. Was he on the Rampage? Was he Tomahawken? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. He wasn't Tomahawken. No, no. He was straight. It was like 8 o'clock.

Once that Indian comes out, right? I remember when you first started saying that about him. Oh, my God. Because people don't know what that is. It's something that's in your genes or in your DNA that when you drink, you go the other fucking direction. When I drink, I whisper. I don't say, shit, I got to go home. Some people drink, they fucking go fucking fine.

I mean, bro, you grew up in Boston. You really seen motherfuckers that would have two beers and take their shirt off in 10 degree weather and want to fight a black bar. Like, we're going down there, dog. And you're like, you're not fucking. Are you fucking kidding me, guy? You cannot do that. But there's people that drink and don't say nothing. There's people that drink and giggle.

There's just some people. Some people are not supposed to drink. And I hope they recognize it. The most important thing is that they recognize it because they think it's fun until they see it. It's fun to them. They just disappear. How fun would it be if you stopped being Joe Rogan and went into this phase for eight hours

and then woke up with fucking scars on your neck and a fucking pubic hair on your face and a handcuff on? It is amazing to me, though, that people have such different reactions to certain drugs, you know, and that alcohol is really one of them. So it's, like, until I met Eddie, I didn't believe in blackouts. I didn't believe in them. People would tell me they blacked out.

I'm like, oh, how convenient. Well, chicks always tell you that after they suck your dick and lick your asshole the next morning. I blacked out. What happened? You know what happened. You licked my fucking ass like a savage. Hold on.

What happened? I don't remember anything. Oh, my God. We did that my god we did that rape i came on your fucking neck remember what did you do speaking of rape man i saw that movie the girl with the dragon tattoo oh you did holy shit that's a badass bitch whoo that girl who plays it i've never seen her before i don't know who she is but that girl can fucking act that's a a crazy movie, man. Woo! There's some scenes in that movie. It felt like a movie where they were trying to, it was, in fact, a book that they were trying to condense down

into movie form. It was really hard because it's obviously very, very complicated and involved. But it doesn't fail as a movie. It's fucking good. There's some badass scenes. But that chick is wild, man.

Anybody see the Gina Carano movie? No reviews? I heard the reviews are spectacular. They said that Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 100%, which is like nobody ever sees that. I mean, it's temporary because the cunts will come out and find out about it. Oh, yeah? 100%?

Where do I get a home of this? They didn't put my two cents on mine. Some asshole comes on and has that shit all over it just because he knows that Gina Carano would never fuck him. I went to the movies and said that the trailer, Gina Carano, they asked me. It looks wild. They go, it's fucking great. It looks great. When does it come out?

This weekend. I know it did good. I wonder how Haywire did. The one I seen last night. I heard it's badass. It's badass. I heard the guy's a real artist who created it. He really knows what the fuck he's doing, and he really created this around her. The world needs more ass-kicking chicks.

It's fun. Well, they're trying to make up. The one chick they're trying to make up, she's a bad motherfucker, the Australian chick with Kate Beckinsale. That's a badass bitch, though. That bitch is bad. I've seen her up close and personal. Well, Carano's so legit, though.

But Carano's legit. And you know what? She's like really like now that Cyborg tested positive, it shows, you know, it shines a light on all of Cyborg's past victories. You got to look at it and go, man, it's unfortunately cast doubt, cast doubt on her whole career, especially since they released a video that showed her first fight ever. And her first fight ever, she was not built like that at all.

Not even remotely. She changed, and she changed pretty radically. And it doesn't seem to be endogenous chemicals. If you have an initial video of her from a long time ago that shows a different body, a different body type, then that's not, you know, you're not a man. How are you doing that, man? So you've got to look at that, man, and say, this Gina Carano, man, if she didn't, you know, that would have been, imagine Gina Carano versus Ronda Rousey, two of the hottest chicks to ever fight ever going at it.

Do you know how nuts that fucking fight would be? Two stone-cold tens. It's going to happen. That's the next one. Two tens that are killers, and they're throwing down. Gina Carano versus Ronda Rousey would get like, that's like a fight that actually could make it into the UFC. Like that's a fight where Dana White would be like,

you know what? All right. This fight, I would have this fight in the UFC as like a special attraction. I mean, I'm just guessing he would do that. He would probably have it like a big event for Strikeforce. But I mean,

could you imagine the kind of press you can get when you get two chicks who are super hot, who actually can fucking fight. Both of them. She'll get the kind of press you can get when you get two chicks who are super hot, who actually can fucking fight? Both of them can actually fight. She'll get the winner of those two. Because they stopped her. You know, it made sense to me today. The movie did really well.

If she would have fought in June or July and she wouldn't have done well in the movie, they said, fuck it. Stay away from everything. Just let the movie come out, pop it. All of a sudden, the fucking Brazilian comes up positive and she's back in the fucking game. said, fuck it. Stay away from everything. Just let the movie come out. Pop it. All of a sudden, the fucking Brazilian comes up positive, and she's back in the fucking game. The movie did great. She's back in the fucking game now. So she's going to probably get the winner of Tate against

Ronda Rousey. I don't know if she's going to go on a fight, man. No, let's see what happens. Let's see what happens after this. Why would she want to fight if this movie is a smash success, and then she just goes off and, you know, man, brain damage is for keeps. If you don't want to fight, you shouldn't be fighting. Fighting is something you should only do when you absolutely want to do just that.

If she really has this call in the back of her head, she wants to get back in there and test herself, she's a badass chick if she wants to do that. I love her to death. No reason to do it if she doesn't. She's got an amazing opportunity. She has an opportunity that very few humans ever get to be a legit female movie action star.

I mean, she's going to say the right things. She's smart. She's not a mean person. She's a humble person. She's like a happy, friendly person that people root for. Even chicks like her. You know what else they like about her? She's not real skinny.

She's not all skinny and bones. She's got meat on her. She's a meaty chick. She's not all skinny and bones. She's got meat on her. She's a meaty chick. Oh, she's a cheeseburger. She's a piece of lasagna away. It's hot. She's got some fat little toes. I like that, man.

Yeah, she's cute. You can grab that ass. She's nice. Yeah, I like that. I don't like skinny on a girl. I like a girl who's not afraid to eat. To me, don't get sloppy. Let's not get crazy.

But you can get a little fat. A little fat is actually kind of sexy. There's something dirty about it, right? Keeps the monkey fresh. Does it? It lubes the joints. It lubes the joints. Give it some fucking inositol and chloline and shit.

Everything's good. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, the world needs more badass superhero chicks. This dragon tattoo chick and this Gina Carano chick. I've seen that other fucking crazy ass movie, Black Swan, with Mina Kulis, whatever her fucking name is. That bitch ate the fuck out of

the professional's little girlfriend because she's the one in it. She's the Black Swan. Don't tell me. I was looking too high to watch the beginning. It scared me out. But the ending, this movie is very fucking... I've seen the last hour last night and it really held me. There was shit on television I wanted to watch and I'm like, wait the ending, this movie is very fucking... I seen the last hour last night and it really held me. There was shit on television

I wanted to watch and I'm like, wait a second. The one girl's all grown up. I can't believe that was her in The Professional. That movie's a fucking great movie. That's a great movie. It was on the internet. I watched Gary Oldham. He would pop the pills and throw his neck back and heroin and they're shooting

motherfuckers. Gary Oldman was great in that movie. He was great. Danny Aiello's even in that movie. Oh, yeah. He's the hitman. He's the guy that gives the Italian guy the assignments and shit. Yes.

Fucking Danny Aiello. I think he even stopped doing comedy now. Danny Aiello? Yeah, he had a comedy club in Hoboken on Tuesday night. What? Some place and he would put Mike Marino up and a bunch of comics. Get the fuck out of here. Italian songs, yeah. Are you serious?

I swear to God. What was that show that he had on CBS for a while? Terranova. Something. Look it up. The last disaster of CBS. Melangana. Something like that that he was a PA.

Public investigator. Whatever the fuck it is. Did you see Burt Kreischer on 10TV Weather? How do you spell his name? How do you spell his name? Danny Aiello. No, A-I-E-L-L-O. Burt Kreischer was on CBS News in Columbus, Ohio, and he got to do the weather, and it

was so fucking hilarious. Well, what did he do? He was just acting out. If it was cold, he'd be like, and he was just Bert Kreischer on the weather. What the fuck is that? If you can imagine, it was awesome. Is that TV show, Bela Gungosa? I want to say Deleventura.

Yeah, Deleventura. Was it Deleventura? Yes, yes. Is that it? Look at the IMDb. I'm looking at it. 1998, that was the last temptation of Christ. What year was this?

98. Which one? Yeah, Dele Ventura. Dele Ventura, when we first started hanging out in Miami, when they put his picture up at the Improv and I robbed it. I clipped it under my shirt and shit. Yeah, I kept it. He was my favorite goof for a while.

I have all those on VHS. I still have those on VHS. Sussman, when they had the King of Queens over at CBS, I got them to get me the tapes from the De La Ventura show because it was so delicious. And I would have people come over and watch it with me. We would get high and watch it like it was a comedy. So fuck it. It was a great show.

He would always win no matter what happened. This is what I remember. He had a meeting with this guy about some information that could lead to the conclusion of my case. So he's in that playing pool and he can't miss. Just fucking rocketing balls in. And the the guy goes worst acting of all time the guy's playing goes hey man you're the best i ever seen what's your secret he goes my secret don't miss and there was like fights he would get in fights and he's a rusty old man i mean he's old He's old He's old I mean we're not talking about A Sylvester Stallone old

Where he's you know Shooting fucking Synthetic hormones Into his body every day And he's 64 years old Shredded That's not what I'm talking about I'm talking like

He looks like an old man But meanwhile He's knocking dudes out With one punch Pop Like guys give him trouble Hey get out of here Pop

He's just everywhere he goes Like no one's hitting him. He's never got to struggle. Oh, he ducks? Yeah, he's dominating everything. He's just the coolest cop of all time. And it's so ridiculous that it becomes funny. It becomes really subtle.

Nice. Speaking of Stallone and crazy Italians, I guess Frank Stallone's been coming back to the boxing gym, Justin's, and they can't take him no more. So the quickest way to get rid of Frank Stallone is to put rap on. Oh, really? He hates rap music. So they put rap on, like, you know, NWA,

and they have bets on how long Stallone will last. Really? So he's in their shadow box, and he'll look at the speakers. He'll fuck, and then he'll come up to them and say, listen, why don't we listen to some good music? Put on one of my albums. And they all look at him like are you fucking serious he'll give you his album

you know that Frank Stallone gives out albums he plays right here at fucking Malibu at the Malibu Inn once a month he's got the black shirt you gotta go

he's a goof one time all the Italians show up they kiss him what do you think his relationship is like with his brother what do you think it would be it must be crazy

get the fuck out of here. Lock the door behind you, you dumb fuck. I'm going to invest in a cheeseburger chain, and you're going to be the head singer. Get the fuck out of here. That guy's got to come in every day with a different pitch. Sly, I don't mean to bother you, but listen, we got an idea for a new movie. I think they even made a movie together. The one with Dice that Dice sued everybody.

Remember they all, the Stallones? Remember that? No! A movie about golf. Yeah! A movie about golf. Remember when we were at the store, they were telling us a story that night? And Dice was in it and never got released? Dice never got released because it is fucking horrible. It is Frank

Stallone directing and shit. Stallone's got all his friends and it's still bad. They got pictures of birds and fucking people drinking water. Meanwhile, Stallone's got all his friends and it's still bad. They got pictures of birds and fucking people drinking water. Meanwhile, Stallone's hitting a fucking golf ball and shit. Oh, my God. That is hilarious. Frank fucking Stallone.

Oh, my God. That is hilarious. That's got to be a weird thing to have a brother that's like super duper famous. Yeah. And you're just hanging on, trying to make some shit happen. That's got to be frustrating as fuck. probably makes you want to be famous also like look at Charlie Murphy you know and he's probably that's why well it is totally with Charlie but look Charlie's actually you know he's made it he's yeah making

money he's doing well he's in movies doing great with stand-up and then there's like you know the Baldwin brothers where everybody makes it you know everyone sort of sort of kind of then they made it for a little while all of them were in the light for a while yeah but now it's only alec he's the only one who's he's the most talented though right yeah oh definitely yeah that's what it is like talent just rises to i also like there was another one i liked also but billy baldwin billy yeah william no william i think will There's a difference. Billy's the handsome one. William's the one with the big face, I think.

See, I don't remember. Well, he's handsome, too. He's just handsome like he drank a lot of sodium-filled products. Yeah, sodium. Yeah, there's a bunch of families where there's a bunch of different brothers that get in, and everybody does so-so, but one guy is like the best. Yeah. But the bald ones.

Michael Jackson. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that-so, but one guy is like the best. Yeah. But the bald ones. Michael Jackson. Yeah. Well, that's the most ridiculous one ever, right? Right. You know, can you imagine growing up with someone who's your brother, and you're both doing the same thing, and you just can't fucking hit? And this guy's just, that's got to be nuts, man. Sibling rivalry is a motherfucker. Look at Madonna's brother.

She threw that motherfucker out. What happened? She threw him the fire. That guy was just creepy. He was opening up shit with her name. I mean, it just gets old. Madonna's brother? He's a stiff.

He's got a brother that wrote the book, the tell-all book. Now he just had something on AOL or Google the other day that he's homeless in Michigan. His sister won't help him. Because you get fucking creepy on these people, dog. You can't get creepy. These are, dog. You can't get creepy. These are your family. You can't write tell-all books.

The same thing that makes a Madonna could also make a loser. Right, yeah. You don't get a Madonna with conventional child-rearing and paying the right amount of attention to your kids. No. You get a Madonna if you fucked up. You get a Madonna if you ignored that kid. You get a Madonna if somebody did something to her at an early age that made her determined.

Or you get a Gaga, one of the two. You get a Gaga, same thing. Those chicks aren't easy to develop, one of those. You've got to give them some pain. You've got to do some things. Would you rather fuck Madonna or Gaga? Right now, Gaga for sure. Really?

Yeah, she's hot. Her body's hot as fuck, dude. Madonna's got that fucking Buddhist pussy and shit. Saying you fuck Madonna is pretty badass. Not really. Madonna got old. I seen Madonna last week. She got old.

She's trying to force those biceps and tell people she's a Jew. Although I did have a dream that I ran into Madonna, and all of a sudden she was young again. It's amazing you just brought this up, because I had this dream last night, and I'm just remembering it now. It was one of those really fucking nutty alpha brain dreams, which no one will deny. You could say you don't think that alpha brain works. It doesn't seem to affect you and enhance your cognitive function. That's all well and good.

I don't know how your brain works. But you can't tell me that it's not super reliable for making crazy dreams because if I could take a pill that I knew for sure, if I took this shit before bedtime, that it's not super reliable for making crazy dreams. Because I don't... If I could take a pill that I knew for sure if I took this shit before bedtime, apparently it's not working for everybody, though. A lot of people say they're not getting the lucid dreams. I had it at the beginning,

but then I stopped having them. Really? Yeah. Well, I get them intermittently, and I never know when they're coming. But I got one last night, and it was super vivid. And last night, it was me hanging out with Madonna,

and I was being, like, real creepy with her. I was like, it was weird because she was like, like, actually, it was like some sort of a weird thing. Like, I was much younger than I am now. I remember because I remember I had no family and no responsibility in my dream. Was it a trucker stop? Don't ask me how I know about this. What kind of bar? Like a shitty bar? Nope. It was in my dream. Was it a trucker stop? Don't ask me how I know about this. What kind of bar?

Like a shitty bar? Nope. It was in some weird fucking booth of a club. And I'm like really close to her skin. And I'm admiring her skin. And I'm telling her, wow, you look amazing. Like I'm really like blown away. It was like because I guess I couldn't figure out in this dream whether I had traveled through time.

Or, you know, whether I lived in a different place. Was I actually 17 years old and was she actually 24? Was I in 1984 or 1985 again? Or was this supposed to be she rejuvenated and she's now 20 years old again and now she looks hot as fuck? Because she looked even

younger than she looked when she became famous. It was a really weird dream because I couldn't figure out what was happening in it. I couldn't figure out if, you know. I was like, why do I feel like I'm a young man? But I also have all this information in my head. It's very strange.

Why Madonna, too? I used to have a thing for Madonna, man, when I was young. Ew, when she had hairy hair. I thought Madonna was hot. I thought she was hot as fuck because she was dirty. She was dirty she was dirty man

look when you're a young little 17 year old savage with your hormones on full blast like I was I was so excited that a girl was dirty she's dirty that bitch she's like the original Snooki how dare you

I used to go to this club you're making yourself laugh when I was in high... I used to go to this club called... You're making yourself laugh. When I was in high school, I was a senior in high school, I used to go to this club called... I can't remember now. And when I was in there, every Saturday, a girl would come in. I don't know who the fuck the girl was,

and they'd let her sing, but I never really paid attention because he was lip-syncing. They'd just play a song and she'd... Right. That's terrible. Madonna. She was lip-syncing back then? Back then. Well, just play a song. Right. That's terrible. Really?

She was lip syncing back then? Back then. Well, it was a club. It was a disco. The rooftop or something. Right. And they'd be a DJ. And all of a sudden, they'd go, we have a special.

Somebody come in. She's going to sing a song. And it was Madonna singing like Lucky Star. We didn't know. We didn't know at the time. It was like Burning Up For Your Love or something. I remember when they first started having videos on MTV. And for folks today

that live in this day and era this is not going to be impressive but back then when Madonna first started having these music videos like burning up that's a she took what Donna Summers was doing it

and was like you know what you're just not being clear enough of what you want let me tell you what I'm looking for I'm looking to wear crosses and get fucked Donna Summers was doing it and was like, you know what? You're just not being clear enough of what you want. You're a fucking freak. Let me tell you what I'm looking for. I'm looking to wear crosses and get fucked hard. I'm looking to wear lace and get choked. And I know that you want to want me, but you can't let go.

Come on, let's go. Bow. I'm burning up. Burning up. Ooh, yeah. I'm burning up. And she was sexy as fuck back then. Fucking tremendous. Tremendous. She had that dancer body sexy as fuck back then. Fucking tremendous, tremendous.

She had that dancer body with a little plumpness to her, too. You know, like she was eating well for the first time in her life. God damn, she was hot. Do you remember when Desperately Seeking Susan came out? If she walked the street, she had a million fucking people. Yeah, people don't even know what a big star she was. She was like a female Michael Jackson at that point. And Michael Jackson had been there with 384

and they had to close Manhattan. Yeah, people I don't think are really even aware of how big Madonna was at one point in time. You know, True Blue. True Blue.

The second one is like A Virgin, which is good. That's a great one, too. True Blue isn't that fucking good, but it's got a couple. It's got a You Abandon Me

Love Don't. An old jam Bro do you know what I put on Twitter that I thought of you The best fucking jam of all time Fuck Leonard Skinner Fuck Led Zeppelin Fuck Pink Floyd Cause there ain't nothing better than Groove is in the heart

The other morning I fucking heard it on the radio I almost pulled over I used to love that chick The dancing girl I heard she got arrested for something. Yeah, for heroin. Really? Did she?

Tonight, when nobody's around and nobody smoked a half a dube and put the video on and watch it. Watch what that Chinese kid was doing. And all some Bootsy Collins. That was a fucking jam. That was a fucking jam. I don't care how bad of a mood you're in. You could be in a bad mood doing something.

And by the middle of that second verse, you just start fucking not dancing. But you're like, you know what. You could be in a bad mood doing something and by the middle of that second verse, you just start fucking not dancing, but you're like, you know what? It could be worse. Look at this shit. I love the way

that girl dances too. Groove is in the heart. What's he saying in the beginning? She dances so free. I don't know. Let's play it. Can we play it?

Yeah, fuck it. They're in jail. Just fucking find it. Meanwhile, it's owned by some records. What was the other jam I don't even know? What was the black girl's name that you liked? Internet's not working. Oh, was the other jam? We probably can't pull that

The internet's not working We heard the jam one time and we were singing it The Buffalo Stance What happened to Nina Cherry? I forgot her fucking name What was the other jam? She had a couple good ones

What was the Buffalo Stance? I love Nina Cherry She was hot as fuck. Nina fucking Cherry. Black, black, and a chip shot. No. Nina Cherry's way hotter. Yeah, I don't know what happened, man.

Nina Cherry, that's right. She had so much potential, too. When you saw her singing, you're like, that girl's a star. And then Tracy Chapman. Tracy Chapman. But before Tracy Chapman. Tracy Chapman had a bunch of big hits. What was the thicker black chick?

Over, over. Over. Armour Trading. Joan Armour Trading. Oh, Joan Armour Trading. Shit. Joan Armour Trading. Oh, fuck.

She had some great deep fucking songs. Yeah, what was that one hit that she had? Oh, come on now, dog. Don't make me get into Joan Armour Trading, this motherfucker. What was that one big hit that she had? I always loved Joan Armour Trading, but she scared me. She looked like the fucking guy from Little Rascals. Yeah. What was that one hit hit that she had? I always loved Joan of Arc, but she scared me. She looked like the fucking guy from Little Rascals. What was that one hit that she had, man?

This is driving me nuts. Drives you crazy. The slow one? Bro, she had some. Brian, Brian, shut the fuck up. How dare you? You don't remember Joan of Arc? I don't remember her, no.

She had one fucking killer song, man. I probably know this song now. Damn, this is driving me nuts. The angels, Cox's son. I don't remember her now. She had one fucking killer song, man. I probably know this song now. Damn, this is driving me nuts. The angels, something like that. The slow jam, that was fucking amazing

she had. Yeah, damn it, now I'm going to have to buy her whole fucking thing on iTunes and fuck that bitch. Just look it up on YouTube,

just press in Joan Armatrading and it'll come up with the songs that were popular. Right, there you go. There you go, because I get the same fucking problem sometimes

okay here we go hey so when was your episode of General Hospital on because you were on today today oh you fucking didn't tell me

I officially married Luke and Tracy and Anthony oh man I wish I would have I've been like watching non-stop General Hospital

and I've been just looking for it. All last week. I did not see it. They fucking focused on my ball spot. How many are you doing? I did four. They focused on my ball spot. Can you watch it online?

Do they have General Hospital online? All right. I'm on it. You can watch it online? Hulu or something? I think it's on Hulu. I heard that they were trying to move it to nighttime. Is that true? They're trying to move it to nighttime Is that true?

They're turning it to telenovelas, yeah Oh, dude, please, please play this Come on, dog Please play Joan Armatrade in Call Me Names That's the song Oh, shit, this is what I'm talking about That's the song Nobody remembers Joan Armatrade

Oh, man Before Tracy Chapman, it was Joan Armatrade Oh, she This is the jam, man I forgot about this song Yeah, man This is a badass song Yeah, man She was one of the origin jam, man. I forgot about this song. Yeah, man. This is a badass song. Yeah, man.

She was one of the originals, man. You're also in Children's Hospital, right? You got to play this, Brian. I don't care if we get sued. Play this. Just play it on your laptop. Okay. Can I do that?

That's illegal. No, it'll have... Okay, I'll have to pause the YouTube stream. So when is your... Because you're also on Children's Hospital. You did General and Children's Hospital. I'm going to wrap party tomorrow night for Children's Hospital, and I'll know when the... And was that fun also? Yeah, but I'll tell you and Children's Hospital. General and Children's Hospital. Tomorrow night for Children's Hospital. And I'll know when the...

And was that fun also? Yeah, but I'll tell you what. I love that show. Henry Winkler. I did Kicking It. I did Kicking It where I played the Meatball King. So I was like one of Batman's villains. Oh, really?

And I have a bazooka like Scarface that shoots meatballs at the kids and shit. At the end, wait till this comes out. It's a kid's show on Disney. All right, cool. Kicking It. I'll kick it with kicking it So this How many episodes

Are you doing of this? Of General Hospital? Yeah Four so far I think they're gonna Cause Sonny's gone So they need a new mobster To come in and smack some bitches

You know what I'm saying? What do you have to do? So far I just was a reverend I went to jail I went to prison A reverend? Yeah I married I'm a reverend in this My to jail. I went to prison. A reverend? Yeah, I married. I'm a reverend in this.

My name is Game Runner. Instead of Mad Flavor, it's Game Runner. Game Runner? You're a game runner. Game Runner. Brian, did you lower my volume? No. Turn it back up.

I haven't heard that channel in a while. How dare you? I saw you turn that up. So it was Game Runner. Game Runner? I came on the show as a guy that went to prison with Anthony. When I went to jail, I got my life, and I became a minister. So I come and marry one of his chicks that he kidnaps.

So he straight up kidnaps this chick, and I marry him on the show. Do you have any scenes with any hot chicks? Do you wear an eye patch? Yeah, the blonde is cute, yeah. The blonde? Yeah. But I didn't know. I watched it for the first time.

They got black people on General Hospital. What? I didn't know that shit. Was that shocking to you? Yeah, it was very shocking to me. I didn't even see that. Yeah, the first time. They got black people on General Hospital. What? I didn't know that shit. Was that shocking to you? Yeah, it was very shocking to me. I didn't even see that. Yeah, they passed that law in 99. Did they?

They're going to put brothers on fucking soap operas? Where is the brothers? And they should have a black soap opera. Well, Rassan used to do soap operas. Right, right, right. Rassan was in, what was he in? General Hospital. Was he in General Hospital?

Yeah, something like that. I thought he was in Days. I think it was Days. Well, whatever. He was in Rassan. He was on. Well, whatever he was in. Catch and Payload. For a long time? Yeah. Rassan's talented, man.

Renato Larranja. For people who don't know, that's a hilarious comedian. There's all these videos of me arguing with a crazy Brazilian jiu-jitsu guy online. That's my friend, Rassan. And he's an Eddie Brown Belt. He's just an actor. He's this character that he does and every now and then

he'll want to confront me about some things and get into this big long argument. It's like Eddie thinks it's hilarious. He loves doing it. So Eddie sets it up all the time. But his actual name is Rassan. He's hilarious.

And how funny is it that Rassan's father was my first karate teacher when I came from Cuba. It's amazing. So how's that circle fucking flow with Eddie and the whole thing? Rassan's father and it was like a it was like a bus on such a great guy bro and to we have to get

rasan to tell you the story about his father's karate school yeah his father's karate school was like on 100th street in amsterdam it was it was black it was painted black the walls were black the geese were black black was beautiful It was 1970. You got a fist. Goju. You got a fucking fist that said Goju. And you got this thing on the back in Japanese letters. Let me tell you what he used to make us do Hassan's father. He'd make us run to Central

Park barefoot with the fucking karate uniforms on. You don't know how scared I used to be. Run barefoot on the street? Run. Run. Run. He'd make us fucking run with the geese on to Central Park. What if you saw broken glass? He didn't give a fuck. That's what toughened you up. I remember one time, Rahsaan's father kicked

me in the fucking stomach when I was about six. You know when the air comes out of you for the first time? It took me like a month to go back to karate. But he was a good guy, bro. He taught me a lot of good shit. My first karate teacher, Joe Esposito, who's now the head of the... He's one of the big guys at the Massachusetts State Athletic Commissions. They regulate mixed martial arts.

I took a class from him and he side kicked me in the stomach. Like they would do, man. Back then, man, they would say, tighten up. I mean, he didn't hit me hard. I was only like 14. He just gave me a little tap. But that was common, you know. The instructor would walk by, tighten up.

And they'd fucking blast you in the stomach while you're in line. You had to always be prepared, always be solid. I remember when the Koreans came over to teach Taekwondo and they'd walk around with a stick. Oh, yeah, man. And they'd hit you in the back of the legs if you giggled. Koreans were super strict. Super strict.

But because of that, their team was fucking monstrous, man. The Korean national team, for a while, until the Americans got real good at it, and then there was some other entries from other parts of the world that were really high level. But for a while, the Koreans just dominated Taekwondo tournaments. And a lot of it was the high level training and the discipline that they had. They took it seriously. Now you can't hit your kids no more. I had a friend.

My friend was going to med school. My friend Jungsik. And he won the national championships. He took time off to win the nationals. He took time off to train. He took time off away from his school, which was a big fucking deal because he was going through some serious, serious fucking schoolwork. And I remember watching this kid.

I couldn't believe how fucking hard he worked you know it was just it was incredible to watch it was it was really like inspiring because this guy was always tired he was exhausted and yet he would still find time to train and we were talking about it you know back then he was a little bit ahead of me he was like when I was hitting a national level from my skills, he was already there. So he was a little bit ahead of me. And I remember talking to him.

I'm like, how are you doing this? This is incredible that you find time to do all this school work and yet you still find time to train. And he's like, I barely can do it. I barely can do it. He goes, I'm so tired. I'm so tired. When he was training for the nationals, he would do his homework,

and then he would Put his backpack on With all of his books And he would run Up and down the stairs In his In his dormitory Where he stayed And he would just

That's how he would get Like a lot of his Cardio training in He would just put his books In his bag And run up and down the stairs And he would tell me About like how exhausted

He was when he When he would like Come to work out And train But the fucking guy Just kept chipping away It's like i learned a lot watching that dude like learned there's like levels of commitment and discipline and for whatever reason a lot of asian people instill that in their children that like real intense discipline you know proud of their kid when the kid becomes a doctor proud of their kid when their kid becomes a doctor,

proud of their kid when their kid does something really, really difficult. That's a motherfucker, man. To have like that high expectations of yourself, you know, you're really setting yourself up for a very stressful, stressful life. And I know he eventually stopped competing because it was like too much to do that. And he assumed his practice to become a doctor and his studies to become a doctor. And he got right back into that. And that became 100% of his focus. But he did what he wanted to do. He got there. He got where he wanted to get. And then he realized his dream. And now it's just back to work. And I was like, man, that's a tough life.

That's a lot of work. Look at the discipline even with the Japanese, with the Yakuza. They fuck up, they got to cut a finger off. Yeah, that's pretty intense. Who's got that discipline in the United States? You come to work late, you're going to cut a fucking finger off. Yeah. And you have to cut it off yourself.

That's the motherfucker. I can see if somebody grabs you and cuts your finger off. You have to go in there with a knife, put your hand out, and chop your fucking thing and tie a bandage over your hand and drive yourself to the fucking hospital. That's a level of commitment. And that's for fucking up, for slipping. They let you live, but you lose a fucking finger.

Do you lose the whole finger or a joint? Is it like a pinky joint? They take the whole fucking thing off, the joint, everything, the bone. They start. Isn't it like they take joints off, though? They chop like. I don't know. I think that's what it is.

All I want is a manicure. I think it's digits. All I want is a manicure. How about I fuck up and I cut my fucking manicure? I told my fucking jam or something. But for me to cut a finger off. I mean, that's just. And you do it with honor.

Yeah. You do it with honor. Like, you come in and go, I'm sorry. I fucked up. Out of my respect for you, I'm going to chop my fucking finger off. That's honor. You do it with honor. You come in and go, I'm sorry. I fucked up out of my respect for you. I'm going to chop my fucking finger off. That's honor to my family. That's honor. I was talking to a friend of mine who had something going on

where he was involved with a bunch of businessmen and one of them was this Japanese guy that kept showing off the fact that his finger was missing. He would flaunt it. The fact is and laugh the fact that his finger was missing. He would flaunt it. The fact is, and laugh about it, that his finger was missing.

Like, see that? You see that? Apparently, I guess in Japan it must carry a lot of weight. It carries a lot of weight. Someone sees that. Someone sees you with a finger that you probably chopped off yourself. They're like, ooh, this guy's willing to take shit to a different level. And they've been tatting themselves up for 200 fucking years like that.

With body suits. Yeah. With whole body tats. And the way they do it is super painful. Super fucking painful. Yeah. All that shit is just, it's a different upbringing. The traditional method of tapping, that tat, tat, tat, tat, the way they do it, very different

than like a needle, like a tattoo, a modern tattoo needle where they essentially just draw it. It wasn't like that back then. It was reallyve that's how steve got his tattoo and he went to the tie tattoo yeah he went to the same person angelina jolie did and got the exact same tattoo she got well for a while every tattoo that she got he would get too yeah he would like recreate her tattoos so funny that's taking it to the next level why he's so silly he loves her because he's crazy i love i love the fact there's people like Steve-O out there. I love the fact there's people that are willing to climb up a tree and let a lion come get you.

He's great. Yeah. We've got to get him on this podcast. Yeah, for sure. He loves Angelina Jolie? Yeah, well, I don't know. I think it's more he loves the idea, the goof of it, that he's going to get every tattoo that she gets. I think he has Billy Bob on his arm.

Does he have Billy Bob on his arm? No, but that would be funny. I don't know if he does. Well, maybe he took it off when she took hers off because she took hers off. He actually took off his shirt when we had him on one of the old podcasts at my apartment. He took off his shirt and showed us all his tattoos. Oh, yeah. He's got a shitload of them.

The ones on his back are pretty amazing. And then he has a picture of himself on his back. He does? Yeah, like it looks like it's airbrushed, like perfect. That's a questionable choice, though. That's really a questionable choice. I can see getting Angelina's tattoos on your body, but doing a tattoo of your own face on your body?

It's so funny. What about the people that got a tattoo of George Lopez on their arm? Oh, yeah. That's a fucking tattoo you got to live with forever. What do you do now that he got fucking fired off TNT or whatever he was on? What do you do? Well, he's still going to tour and probably kill him. He's never going to be at a long for income if he decides to tour, you know?

Don't you think? I mean, that guy was selling out the Hollywood Bowl. He was selling out giant places. I just took a flight last week with Paul Rodriguez. He's on the flight. Oh, yeah? You got to get up on that microphone. He sat right next to me. We talked about the store and Mitzvah. Oh, yeah? You got to get up on that microphone. He sat right next to me.

We talked about the store and Mitzvah. Oh, yeah? Yeah, he was pretty interesting to talk to. Paul Rodriguez was there in the early days, right? Wasn't he there in the Chico and the Man days when fucking Homeboy killed himself? He's doing comedy. What was that guy's name that killed himself? Freddie Prince.

Freddie Prince, yeah. And the guy who took his place was Danny Mora, who's also a comedy store regular. That's the guy who took his place. He took Ch who's also a Comedy Store regular that's the guy took his place took his place for a season and you weren't gonna replace fucking Freddie Freddie Prince at that time yeah who is the comic that jumped off the building of the Comedy Store right next door I don't know you guys remember that right well I heard the story but I don't know who the guy was mad that some guy jumped off the top building right next to the Comedy Store I thought they'll hide hotel or whatever it's good that was but I don't know who the guy was. Some guy jumped off a building right next to the comedy store at the Hyde Hotel or whatever it's called.

That was during the riots or whatever the fuck it was. Now there's an advertisement for Mad Men on there where it's just a shadow of somebody falling down that building and it's so creepy to look at because the shadow is exactly where that guy killed himself.

I wonder if they knew that. No, I don't think they do. You don't think they knew? No, I don't. I mean, isn't it kind of like Hollywood legend, though? Yeah, and a lot of people at the comedy store, like I said something to them, and they're like, oh, my God, you're right.

Holy shit. I didn't even think of that. I don't think anyone was thinking about that. That was the boycott, right? They boycotted all the clubs. You know, back in the day, comedy clubs in L.A. didn't pay anything. Now they pay a little bit

They pay a tiny bit But back then They didn't pay A goddamn thing And so guys were Packing the place And killing them And all the clubs

Were making money And the clubs Would treat you like shit It's the only place Where the clubs Get away with that They have that sort of Slave owner mentality

Like some of them do Some of them do still To this day They think that You're doing some sort of An honor by performing there Comedy stores really Tighten really tight in their ship lately though they got a whole new staff and they're no one's the same anymore that it's it's completely like a normal club now i think which one the comedy story in the last year they've just pretty much overhauled

the whole entire thing so now it's like a really it's got food yeah it's got food that people are getting paid people getting spots the only thing that you don't see is you don't see a lot of new comics going through there a lot. It's still kind of like the same, like a Saturday Night Live season. How can it possibly be improving with those people at the helm? Yeah. Well, I mean, I think Tommy's the only person that you would know there now. There's your problem. And that bartender people in the back.

Huck's still there? Oh, yeah. All those guys are still And that bartender people in the back. Huck's still there? Oh, yeah. All those guys are still there. That guy's cool as fuck. That was a great, you know, you talk about it, we talk about it. That was a cool time. You know, that was a fun place to hang out. That's what everybody misses about it.

And you know what? It never was what the Ice House is. The Ice House is way better. It's a way better vibe. The fact that we got that podcast room right next to it The fact that everybody's hanging around there You know who's the GM though now Or I think he's the GM

Yeah he's the GM Is Adam though from Arizona So it's like the dean The new dean is the guy that we're friends with That used to be the improv Oh that's hilarious Well good for him man The comedy store served its purpose when it did.

It was like that bar you went to for a year when you lived in that place where you ate there. It served its purpose. It was there for me, and I moved on. I don't even think about it no more. When I drive by there, it's like a foreign fucking place to me. I don't even try to drive down there. I was down there today, and I drove by, and it's like I don't even look no more. It's strange when I do drive by.

You drive by, and you felt bad if you didn't stop in. I keep on finding new places. If you come home from an airport or something, you're like, let me stop in there and say hello. We used to do the improv on Melrose for New Year's and then we would drive back to the store and hang out. I keep on finding new rooms and nooks. I just found a new nook the other day and I guess it's Polly's office where you go up that third set of stairs. I'm like, what the fuck is this place all about? And that's like, oh, this is where you'd fuck a girl if you want to or you could of stairs. I'm like, what the fuck is this place all about? And that's like,

Oh, this is where you fuck a girl if you want to, or you could smoke weed. And like, I'm like, Oh, this is awesome. That's hilarious.

That place has got so many tunnels and secrets and hiding spots. Does Pauly still keep an office there? I think he might, but he's never there. Pauly, I never see Pauly there. I see him once in a while. What does he do now?

Uh, he's on the road a lot. I think he does. and he's doing movies. He just released that movie recently, and I don't know what he's doing. I saw him the other day. He had a camera crew there where he's doing some kind of thing, like filming something. I don't know.

Wow. But he's barely ever there. There's people like that where you just go, where is that guy now? I watched Don Barris again this weekend and both nights, and that's the best shit about the Comedy Store. I think I got there at like 1, and we didn't leave the Comedy Store. Don didn't finish until like 4 a.m. He got off stage.

Wow. That's awesome. No comedy club stays until 4 a.m. Yeah, that club is pretty nutty. I mean, we had some crazy things happen in that place. Yeah. Especially that original room, man. That original room is just, that's a heavenly body, you know?

Yeah. That's a place that's, there's more energy in that room. There's more history in that room, you know? Than in mostly, really, any club in the country. Keeps you in check, that room. Yeah. Always keeps you in check. You could be at a weekend place,

all weekend killing. Monday, you pull up to the comedy store, you think you're bad to the bone, and you get not a fucking laugh. There's always drama and crazy shit happening. Yeah, well, there's no one's ever quiet in the audience. It's always fucking chaos. There was a girl Friday night,

and she was definitely a hooker, that she was just sitting there using the patio. A lot of hookers sit at the patio because they can like oh like there's a patio in the front that's outside where people walk back and up and down sunset so a lot of the hookers just hang out at the patio and they look like normal girls at first but then you realize what they're doing they're just using the patio how hot are they uh well this girl this was the most funniest thing ever like we walk up and everyone's staring at this girl at the bar and i'm like what what's going on here and i'm like holy shit for the back of her she had only

a thong on like a string bikini thong or whatever and then just a see-through uh like mini skirt like you could see completely her butthole you could see every it was crazy like it could not be legal i'm like oh my god and her body was man it was all right so i was like holy shit that's awesome what's going on there he goes dude just just relax wait till you see her face i'm like oh fuck so i go there and it was like facial hair acne i mean it looked like a a mexican dude in drag her face was just so was it a guy or was no it was just a very unfortunate monster that decided to wear like from behind it looked awesome i mean i wonder how much she works. We asked if we could take a photo

or one of the comics asked if can I take a photo with your butt? That's how crazy it was. She was like, $20. She had a price for it. It's like when you take a picture with Spider-Man over at the Hollywood Boulevard,

it's a donation, right? And I'll tell you what the craziest thing of the story is that why would a hooker go to the store and try to get money when there's so many other hookers that go there to suck a dick for free? They're just using the view of the sunset, so who to stalk or, you know, to kind of sell themselves without being on the corner. You know what I mean?

People walk by the store and they're like, oh, look at that girl. It's fucking crazy. There's so many girls that would just walk in that were willing to suck dick. You just had to fucking pull back the artichoke and fucking find out that you just needed the clouds to part to see the true color of the skies.

There's something about that sunset strip. The crazy women went to the store. They go in there. Well, anywhere. I mean, that'll happen at the Viper Room that'll happen at the House of Blues that whole area

is just nuts that whole area it's like Vegas it's very Vegas like it's amazing when a woman comes and she moves to LA and she doesn't really know

how the things that could happen yeah the things that could happen to a woman I'm gonna produce I'm gonna take you out to lunch

next thing you know you're getting fucked by eight fucking IRABs. Whatever the fuck they are. IRABs, IRABs, whatever. It's just so weird the chances are when you're a woman. You don't fucking know. You could get lucky and wind up being Brooke Burke and being on Dancing with the Stars

and making millions and smiling or you could wind up with a bad fucking guy that tells you to produce. Next thing you know, you have a kid. You leave here. It's just amazing. And the same thing. You know, it's amazing, the fucking crapshoot, man.

For a woman, it's way harder, especially a woman trying to be a hot chick, like trying to be a professional hot chick, trying to be an actress or something like that. You know, like so many of them, man. The volume, the numbers. For every gig that there is, the number of pretty girls that are driving

in on buses, especially now with the economy sucking, how many of them are like, look, there's nothing here for me. I'm just going to give it a chance. Just getting that bus and flying off to Hollywood. That's fucking amazing. Yeah. Well, you and I have been here for so long now

We've kind of seen How weird it is To watch people arrive You get Facebook From girls that You're like Oh my god What the fuck

Happened to you Six years ago You were sucking 20 dicks behind the store And now You're a mom in Florida Yeah A mom in Florida

That's what I get now That's what I get Like hey Joey I don't know if you remember me. And you look at the picture on her face and you're like, oh my god, she's got like a crib and a hunk of red hair and glasses. They always look so much older than you, too. They always look way more beat than you.

They're not living that porn star pimp lifestyle you are. You relax all the time. What the fuck happened? You know, you see him and then you turn. I have 17 steps so far today. But that Tommy store, I ran into so many crazy fucking women. Men too, man. Men, women, everything.

That store was an attractor and still is an attractor of crazy people. But when a woman comes up to you and says, can I talk to you for a second? You know, how do you get funny? I just want to be funny and they won't give me spots. What do I have to do to get spots here? That's the magic answer. When they just say that to spots. What do I have to do to get spots here? That's the magic answer. When they just say that to you, what do I have to do to get spots? And you're like, try to beat around the bush.

Well, you could write jokes. You could go to a stand-up class. You could suck my dick. You know what I'm saying? You got three options. Is that what you'd say? Oh, my God. It's amazing.

Well, you had that one girl you talked about in the podcast who sent a message, sent a letter about how you broke her. Oh, broke her. And I didn't mean to break her. She was always willing to suck my dick. So what am I going to do? I remember her sucking my dick with dirty fingernails one night and me going, this is terrible. Like this, in that little bathroom, the cubicle on the second floor.

Remember the one by the phone where you answer the phone? Yeah, totally. How many fucking blowjobs did you get in there from women that just said if you suck my dick will you put me on the belly room show with you next week yeah yeah yeah call me

and they'll just suck your dick for a fucking spot like in the belly room like a fucking you know Steven Soderbergh is gonna fucking show up to the fucking

well if they only knew about Mike Young's just tell me you have a showcase move it's just what up player it's just fucking amazing how women would fall.

I started going to an acting class, and you book something, and a girl sees you in acting class, oh, my God, they're all over you outside. Like, what do we need to do? What do we need to do? You need to start sucking my dick or showing me your pussy or something. You know how many fucking victims I had that were confused from acting class? Why acting class confused you? Bro, when I was 415 pounds, like in 98,

I had this 21-year-old that let me come over and fuck her in the ass. And I would fuck her in the ass and feel guilty. Like, when is she going to realize I'm a fat, disgusting slob? This chick was like, I see you on Law & Order, SUV, taking the garbage out. Let me suck your dick. Really? You hold... I'm a fucking co-star.

You know what I'm saying? You got to hold out for the big fucking stars. She was sucking co-star dick. What is wrong with you? What is wrong'm saying? You got to hold out for the big fucking stars. She was sucking co-star dick. What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? I got 1,200 for the fucking thing. You're sucking my dick like I'm some star. I mean, she was serious.

Didn't you have some girl that you were getting in your acting class that was also someone else? Someone was taking care of her. I don't know if you can say the guy's name. Oh, yeah, yeah, the black girl. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, we'll say it. I don't give a fuck. De Niro.

De Niro's got like these black chicks that he takes right from like South Florida. You go to Florida, those black chicks are raw. Like go to Orlando Airport, those black chicks are raw. I get mine from Pompano. They have no fucking afro sheen. Their hair just goes up like Joan Armatraden. They got fucking tattoos.

They're a little heavy. This girl that De Niro had, he fixed her up. He gave her fake tits. He took away all her tattoos. He gave her the real hair. He bought that whore's hair so she had his shit. And he put her up in a fucking thing with shack lift. And that's how

we got to talk. I'm like, what made you move? Like, you know, sometimes in acting class, they're like, well, you want to meet at a coffee shop

to do scenes? Well, they either come to your house or you go to their house. And one day she said, do you want to come to my house? I live in the Wilshire District. Okay, I don't even know

what the Wilshire District is. I just started driving, and all of a sudden I pull up, and there's a doorman, and what the fuck does this bitch do? And after a while, one day she goes, my boyfriend's De Niro.

Look at his sleep apnea machine. But she was telling me the whole story that she wouldn't see him. He would just call her on Friday and go, get that black ass washed. Papa's coming for dinner. And it was all over the shop. How many of those do you think he has? She said she knew she wasn't the only one. That's beautiful.

And so there was a no questions asked sort of a policy? No questions asked. When I come to town. That's the way to roll. Well, that's why he's been rolling for a long time. He's been buckwheat for years because Papa's going to whistle into that fucking cave of death. I mean, that's why he's got to keep doing these movies. Yeah.

Especially those bad ones. He does some terrible ones now. All those bad ones now. They're all bad now. I think now he's too old. He set some terrible ones now. All those bad ones now. But I think now- They're all bad now. I think now he's too old. He is, well, his original wife, Tuki- He's set out down to just having girls on van nights.

Right, that's his original wife, Tuki, the heavy set black chick that's kind of cute. Yeah. You see her, you're like, at least she's got some pizzazz. But- Yeah. He had a couple of freaks that he had out there, and why not? I haven't seen a movie of his that was good in a while. It's unfortunate when you think about it, because he's the greatest actor of all time, in my opinion.

One of them. I shouldn't say the. Gary Oldman's a bad motherfucker, too. There's a lot of guys that are bad. Russell Crowe's a bad motherfucker. There's a lot of bad motherfuckers, but you go back to the Raging Bull days or the Cape Fear days, Robert De Niro was a motherfucker. He was amazing, man.

And he was the first guy that really would change his body like he gained a fuck load of weight for Raging Bull remember he got in super good shape as a boxer

and then he gained a lot of weight to play Ray LaMotta in the later years that was a fucking amazing performance fucking taxi drivers

amazing performance he did some if you see him in Taxi Driver that one scene where he goes to get Christopher Walken yeah and it's his turn and the guy smacks him and he smacks the guy back because you know you're going to die Amazing performance. He did some, if you see him in Taxi Driver, that one scene where he goes to get Christopher walking. Yeah.

And it's his turn and the guy smacks him and he smacks the guy back. Because you know you're going to die. Don't smack me, bitch. I'm going to die anyway. Yeah, I mean. I'm going to be a dick if I put your hands up. How good was he in Goodfellas? Huh?

How good was he in Goodfellas? Oh, he was fucking amazing. Come on, man. How good was he in Godfather 2 in the beginning? Oh, yeah. Amazing. All that talent. You were a friend of mine and all that shit.

And when you see him, he became. Like, you're like, that could be a young Nolan Brando. Yeah. He really fucking had it down. Bro, that's one of my favorite movies of all time. Godfather 2 is one of the most beautiful fucking. The guy who stole that movie from me is that fucking Guinea fuck, Five Angels. The guy that no man jotted in Las Vegas.

I don't man jotted in Miami with Hyman Roth. That guy that was fucking crazy. That would always say shit to Pacino. He was the one that Duval made him commit suicide. Remember he went to see him in the jail. And he goes you know. At the end the Romans they have a party. And then they slit their fucking wrists.

And that movie is a beautiful movie. When they go to Cuba. And he tells them, hey, I seen something really interesting today. I seen a rebel blow up.

And he goes, what does that tell you? He goes, a soldier gets paid to fight. A rebel does it for free. I don't like it. I'm not going to. Watch the movie again,

Joe Rogan. I haven't seen that movie in a long time. Watch the fucking movie again. I had it on DVR and I watched it about a month ago and I was blown away.

Never seen it. It starts. Really? Listen, it starts out. This is how brilliant it starts out where the mother goes to the Don in Sicily and says, you killed my husband and you killed my son. Spare him. He's fucking retarded.

Yeah, you don't like it because so many people like it. Is that one of those things? Yeah, I don't like it because people are wearing God or good, what is it called again? Godfather posters in their house and they only talk about it. It's like, dude, that movie came out like 20 years ago, and you're still talking about it. No, it's a great fucking movie. It's still a great movie. I know, I get it, but that's like me.

But he just wears on you. Remember that she goes, he goes, no. And he shoots the mother in front of her. I don't remember this, but you're giving spoilers like a motherfucker. Oh, bro, he shoots the mother. Then he goes to Ellis Island. He's alone in this world. He's fucking retarded.

He had yellow fever when he came from Italy. I don't remember this. He went to his neighborhood. But the whole movie is when he goes back to Sicily. After he becomes Vito Corleone, he's got the olive oil company. He goes back to Sicily to get the guy who kills his mother, his father, and his brother. And he goes up to him. And he's stabbed the stomach oh and he fucking rubs his blood on his shirt that's fucking acting yeah think about that scene he goes talk a little closer i can't no no no plan he goes really motherfucker this is the thing and this is for you and he stabs him

then he wipes the knife on his fucking shirt you motherfucker you motherfucker killing my family bitch he went back to the boot and took care of business it was a good movie I just don't remember

I remember that I do remember that part the same people that like these movies always have like the ringtone as somebody in the rat pack also

you know what I mean like Dean Martin no I don't I like that is that what Frank Stallone likes to work out to? Yeah. No, he listens to his own music.

No, he doesn't. Does he try to put it on at Justin's? Yes. What kind of music does he sing? An album of covers. Is it good? When the shark bites. I need this.

Whoa. I need for you to sing this fucking song that I've heard 30 million fucking times. Yeah, that's not necessary at all. No, that's like a Peter Lemongelo album. I don't need that shit. Peter who? Peter Lemongelo was the biggest scam of all life. Peter Lemongelo? Peter Lemongelo and the 70s marketing group wanted to try something and they took a fucking guy. His name

was Peter Lemongelo. Good looking blonde guy. Took his picture and went on every station and said, get the greatest hits of Peter Lemongiello nobody knew who Peter Lemongiello was who the fuck's Peter Lemongiello but those are his greatest hits

buy the fucking thing he sold like a million copies nobody knew what? it was an album of just covers him singing Merry Christmas

and Silent Night Peter Lemongiello he was one album made in the 70s if you went on TV think of the mass marketing how much it's changed think of the media marketing

how much it's changed in the the media marketing how much it's changed in the 70s a guy would go on tv the greatest hits they didn't have that much right right so you went bananas well how about when they tried to sell that dude who was playing that flute the pan flute master of the pan yeah what was his name zamfir zamfir master of the pan it's amazing that that has any effect on you at all. You're sitting at home, slack jaw, and there's a dude playing the flute, and you're like, the fucking pan flute. I got to get that.

I got to get that. That sounds so fucking nice. You know, Britney Spears sells 10 million albums. Somebody's buying those. It ain't you or me, but somebody's fucking buying those. Yeah, but at least that's like pop music. You kind of get there's a lot of dumb teenagers out there. It sort of connects with the type of people that want frivolous dance music.

But I don't get the pan flute. There's a bunch of dudes that would do like different master of the, right? Yeah, they sell them like in meditation places also. Do they? Zamphere? Yeah. I bet a lot of dudes are pissed that he got that Master of the Pan flute contract. Yeah.

Because, you know, how many dudes are playing the pan flute going, one day this is going to pan out? The only guy it panned out for was Zamfear. Zamfear. That's it. Now, what's the flute where you pull the thing? A trombone? Kazoo? Oh, slide whistle.

Slide whistle. What's the fucking thing that you pull out? It's the thing that Russell Brand probably plays in his home. Russell Brand? Why would you say he plays the you do? It's the thing that Russell Brand probably plays in his home. Russell Brand? Why would you say he plays the slide whistle? It looks like he would. I'm sorry. I'm just bitter with him.

You don't like Russell Brand? No. He broke Katy Perry's heart, bro. Is that what it is? You're upset about that? Yeah. Really? Why?

Are you a fan of Katy Perry's? I love Katy Perry. If you had a chance, would you be with her? Of course I would. Do you love her? I want to marry her. So you're upset at Russell? I don't know.

Obviously it didn't work out. Yeah. Yeah, but don't get fucking married. Russell Brandt. He's also supposedly. He's English. His dick smells like shit, probably. Yeah.

You know? He's got fucked up teeth, and he's trying to fuck her in the neck. That girl's a 26-year-old girl from fucking up north, bro. Yeah, she's a good girl. You have a good girl, had you have a good girl and you treated her bad man yeah is that what you have that delicious candy how do you not know that she's she's a fucking singer man she's a famous singer how do you know she's not crazy yeah it might be just like a female comic she just wants to talk about her songs all day and her fucking publicist

and maybe she's nuts you don't know she comes in and puts that song on the mall. Don't play that role, Brian. How dare you? He uses the word telly still. Telly? Yeah, come on. I like when they say proper. It's a proper restaurant. He's an animal. He's a fucking animal. Telling people he's 30 years old.

He's 50. He's fucking 50. He's been sucking and fucking for 50 fucking years. You know what he did to that poor girl? Is he 50? Look at him. Look at him. You're going to tell me he's 34?

Really? On what fucking planet is that guy 34? He did a lot of drugs. He did a lot of drugs. He's a freak. You can't... Nothing bothers me more... Kitey, come here, Kitey.

Nothing bothers me more than these celebrities get together. What? You watched that piece of shit? Why don't you watch the original one? Fuck that. I've seen the original one. The original one's great. There's no reason to remake that one.

The original one's great. No, there's no reason to make it, but they did a pretty good job. It was a good movie. It's not bad. Is he the same exact character that he's in in every single movie? Yeah, pretty much, but that's okay. So is fucking Jason Bateman. Or not, what's his name?

What the fuck's his name? The guy from, the balding guy from England. Justin. Oh. What the fuck's his name? God damn, the mechanic. What the fuck's his name? We gotta talk about something. God damn. The mechanic.

The fuck's his name? Jason. Listen. Jason. Statham. Jason Statham. Sorry, sir. So the other night. Sorry.

About a month ago, the mechanic is on. There's nothing else on. And I said to myself, you know what? How can I put down a movie I haven't seen, eh? And let me just take the Charles Bronson notion off. It might be a good movie. Right. Are you fucking kidding me? Did you get mad at it? Oh, 15

minutes in, because that's the beauty of the mechanic. If you watch the original mechanic, it's the beginning. It's the longest dragged out scene of all time. It's one of the best hits you'll ever see on film, where he breaks into the guy's house and puts the sleeping tea pills in the thing, and what he does is he

puts the gas on he shoots it so it looks like a fire right he did it very and that's what i told people that the mechanic wasn't about a guy blowing up things it was about a 51 year old hit man that has to use his traits and he did everything he didn't want it to seem like he was shooting you he wasn't a fucking act right you know if he would look at your medical records if you had a weak heart he'd shoot at your legs so you'd have to run. That's how he killed J. Michael Vincent's father in that movie. I watched that thing with Jason Stram, bro. No.

No. 15 minutes, it went right off. No. It was a little too stylized in the fight scenes and shit like that. The kid that played J. Michael Vincent was trying too much. J. Michael Vincent was a cool motherfucker walking into the room. Microphone. Charles Bronson was a cool motherfucker walking into the room.

See, I think that guy that played Jan Michael Vincent's role is a good fucking actor. He's a great actor, but he overdid the role. Really? Yes. The role wasn't for a kid that was crazy. It was for a kid that was spoiled. Two different vendors. Well, maybe they played it for a kid that was crazy. It was for a kid that was spoiled. Two different vendors. Well, maybe they played it crazy in this movie.

No. When you're spoiled, when you're a spoiled kid and your parents have a lot of money and you're spoiled like that, that's what he was. You know who he was a badass in? Dirty Days of Night. That guy. That same guy that played the Jan Michael Benson character. Oh, sure. I bet he is great in other movies.

Fuck, he's good in that movie, man. He's a good actor, man. I don't want them remaking Charles Bronson movies no more. Yeah, I know. No matter what you do, it's like you don't have to remake the movie, man. How about just make another movie about a hitman? Yeah, about a hitman. Yeah, why can't you make another movie about a hitman and just call something else?

That guy's rolling in his fucking grave. He worked hard to be a scumbag, and all of a sudden this guy comes with his pretty face and his shaved head, and all of a sudden he's fucking shooting people by him. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. I don't want to see that nonsense. What's up, Joe Rogan?

What's up, Joe? Chicago this week. Italian beef sandwiches. It's going to be off the fucking chain, bitches. The only tickets that are left, folks, are nosebleeds. Are you serious? Yeah, that's it. That's all that's left.

People on the way back. I guess it's a giant place. It's like 3,200 people or something like that. People driving from Detroit. People driving from Canada. We're going to have some fucking fun.

We're selling, we made posters too, Mike Maxwell. They're badass. He's a serious artist. He's fucking the real deal, Mike Maxwell.com. He's coming with us.

Mike Maxwell art.com is a bad motherfucker. Mike Maxwell art on Twitter. That's his Twitter handle. He's coming with us and he's going to sign some posters too if you want to get your shit signed. We'll all sign it. We'll all sign it.

Can I get one? Yeah, fuck yeah, dawg. My brother wants one. He's crazy. We're going to have some fun. It's a killer. The card is sick, man. There's a lot of good fights.

The Bisping Chael-Sutter fight that we already talked about. Rashad Evans is going to take on Phil Davis. That's a good fucking fight. I like that fight a lot. That's a really interesting fucking fight. And Damian Maia is going to take on Chris Weidman. That's a good fight. Weidman took that fight on short notice,

but that kid's a stud wrestler who knows how to put people to sleep. He put Tom Lawler to sleep with a fucking, with a darts choke. He's a killer. He's a killer. And you know what? Matt Serra is a serious jiu-jitsu coach. A lot of people don't remember that Matt Serra was, at one point in time, when he was competing in just straight grappling,

was right up there at the top of the fucking heap. He won a decision over John Jock Machado. He submitted a lot of fucking really good dudes. Serra was a killer in just straight jiu-jitsu back when he was only competing in jiu-jitsu. When you get into mixed martial arts, of course, you have to dedicate so much of your time to striking, so much of your time to conditioning, so much of your time to doing all these different things that your jiu-jitsu game doesn't get to express itself the way. He's getting involved in a lot of stand-up fights and you know it's sometimes dudes like they you know one guy just will take you down

and hold on to you it's it's you don't get to see it as if like it was a straight jiu-jitsu match where one guy's only trying to submit you and you're trying to submit him then you get to really see a guy's jiu-jitsu and matt sarah has some fucking top line jiu-jitsu his jiu-jitsu is really tight man and you know to have a guy like him teaching a guy like weidman you know a guy was already fought mma many many times won the title you know what i mean fought some of the best guys to have him teaching weidman you get a stud wrestler a guy who has beaten, I believe he fought Phil Davis, or rather wrestled Phil Davis and beat him in a straight wrestling competition, which is fucking crazy. Davis is an amazing wrestler. So Weidman, a killer wrestler.

And then on top of that, he's learned submissions. And on top of that, he's just tough as fuck. Tough as fuck, yeah. And he's all crazy with Jesus. He's another one of those dudes. Oh, that's always crazy. Loves Jesus, and he's like super religious, and he's got that... Jesus and Jiu-Jitsu walk hand in hand.

Yeah, well, they get that mad belief in themselves. There's something to be said for that. They used to scare the shit out of me when I used to fight religious guys. I used to think that religious guys, they always made me nervous. They had a kind of confidence that fucking spooked me. And you can't beat them up, because you feel like they got the inside track to Jesus, so you got to fucking burn for an extra fucking week. I wish you could come to Brazil, Joey.

They start burning people. You got to get a passport. They start fucking burning shit like that fucking Tebow had the whole country confused with the Christianity and all that. How's that working? The Denver, are they still in it? They ran into Pontius Pilate. Who's Pontius Pilate?

The motherfucker from New England, Tom Brady, dumped his bitch when she was six months pregnant. Who's this that? And not just dumped a bitch, dumped a fucking hot bitch. And then jumped on the thing with Britt. He put the thorns on Tim Tebow's fucking head last week. And this week, Ray Lewis went up there thinking he was going to the Super Bowl, stabbed somebody else, but he had to fucking stop him up there too.

They didn't cover the spread, but they undercame him. That poor kicker. You see that kicker in the Patriot game? Is that what it was? No, it was the Giant game. Giant games. The clobbered? This kicker didn't know he was supposed to go up or something.

I don't know what the full story is. So at the last second, he had to run and kick the ball. He was on the sidelines. They couldn't find him or anything, and he missed. I think that was the kick that made them lose the Super Bowl or something like that oh my god you got one job to do anything yeah I was gonna that's he looked like suicidal and like fans were like we didn't say anything bad to him because he looked like he was suicidal

it's like what some of the quotes were saying is he really 65 I didn't know And Tom Brooks is a super athlete, bro. Is he? I was looking at him last week. Yeah, he's a white John Jones. Really? He's 6'5". I didn't know that. I was looking at him last week. And his gift is his hearing. He lets them come around him and swat at him. And all of a sudden, this fucking thing just, you don't even see it.

Like, if I was him, I'd go into MMA because I just hammer punch motherfuckers. That's all I would do. The Tom Brady hammer punch right from here. You want to take me down? Go ahead. I dare you. I dare you to go for my fucking thing. I will hit you with a hammer punch that will crush your fucking skull.

Joe, they're putting their hands out. He's so tall. He stands in the pocket. He don't run. He don't move. And he just watches. And all of a sudden, when that dude's about to... Boom!

That fucking thing comes out, man. And that motherfucker... I mean, he made me a believer a couple years ago. But I was looking at him this week. He's 6'5", bro. He ain't no fucking joke, that dude. When you see the guys around him, he's fucking tall. He's a big motherfucking strong. I was watching him.

That's a... He's got some kind of... He's eating that Brazilian chick. That's got to give you something. Does that help? What's that? Eating a Brazilian chick? That made him a little crazy. She's's got to give you something. Does that help? What's that? Eating a Brazilian chick? That made him a little crazy, because she's fucking got to be crazy.

If I was Gisele Bumbozay, whatever her name is, I did that taxi movie with her. She was on the side. I looked at that bitch's ass. That bitch was a tan dog. There was no cellulite in her future. You understand me? Like, her thighs have no cellulite in her future. She's never going to have that big Brazilian.

Nothing. She is mint. to have that big Brazil. Nothing. She is mint. Mint. Mint. Mint. Her monkey tastes like pina colada. They rubbed her. When she was in the pussy, they rubbed her with fucking cocoa butter or whatever the

fuck they do. That bitch is banging. I did taxi with that bitch. She was in a plane with us, and when the plane landed, they rushed her off into a security cart and took her away. Fuck you. You got to guard that pussy. They put that pussy in a box year round.

They got to have a lock and a key. Flashlights. You got to press it. I'll concur. You concur? Open it. You got to let the air out of the monkey, then take the cage out, the frostbit.

That pussy's the real deal, dog. What's next for you, Joey? What's going on? What do you got going on you want to promote? I'm with you the next two weeks. I got the fucking surgery. We're doing Chicago

Two gigs Vegas Yeah Vegas February 3rd House of Blues Half sold out already Get in on it HLB.com

Yeah you You can find it Just google it And my CD Sound like a motherfucker Yeah what is the CD It's either you Or the priest

Five dollars on payloads Fucking killing them How do we find it How do people find it Just go to payloads.com. Payloads? Payloads with a Z. Dot com.

L-O-A-D-Z. That's it. Payloads.com. You have to pay with loads? Yeah. What are you going to do with all the loads? Payloads.com. And I'll tell you what.

It was one of those. You know when. I've never fucking been good at taping anything. Right. And I've come to terms with that. So what I did was. I just bought one of those things. And took them with me me a month of gigs.

Yeah? Didn't say nothing. Just plugged them into the boards. Really? And I got a set that was so fucking good. And in the middle of one of my sets, because I was telling a true story, I go, it's either you or the priest. And Felicia, I told Felicia, and we went to a church while they were doing the church

service on Sunday on Lancashire. And we went up to the fucking priest thing. Look at the album cover. It says priest. I went to the confess priest thing look at the album cover it says priest I went to the confessional and she took a picture while they were you hear

and the priest is up there you know give everybody thanks and praise it was a Catholic fucking priest so I said you know what man

people always ask me for shit I'll sell it for five dollar downloads you know and that's it I don't have to can you get it

on iTunes I didn't put it on iTunes yet I'm trying to get it on iTunes you gotta get how do we get it on iTunes

Duncan can teach you that he does it you can get it on iTunes yeah we gotta get that on iTunes? I didn't put it on iTunes yet. I'm trying to get it on iTunes. You got to get it. How do we get it on iTunes? Duncan can teach you that. He does it. You can get it on iTunes? Yeah, we got to get that on iTunes. We got to make it easy. I have one on iTunes now, the one live from the three of clubs. It's a men's amends. It's good.

But this one's really fun. I mean, listen, I don't like watching myself. The other day, I watched myself in the beginning of General Hospital, and they focused on my ball spot. I fucking turned it off. That's all I seen. By the way, it is on Hulu.com. You beginning of General Hospital, and they focused on my ball spot. I fucking turned it off. That's all I seen. By the way, it is on Hulu.com. You can watch General Hospital right now.

When you see me walk in, you're going to die. I even died. I was like, except for the ball spot. Joey Diaz is a bad motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? The ball spot was killing the brother. Are you going to do more? How many are you going to wind up doing?

I hope that they write me back in once this guy Sonny leaves, because I really had a good time. I got to tell you, I had a good time. Really? It's me. It's me. It's easy. There's no drama, and you know where you stand. There's no PAs telling you, five minutes, come up, you can't.

No, there's nothing. I'm always amazed that someone hasn't figured out to put you in a sitcom. It drives me crazy. Or a cartoon, even. You should be the voice of a cartoon in Adventure Time. It's hard sell, but once they get it,

the word's getting out there. We're doing great things. I'm going to do great things this year. You know, it's amazing. I'm going to have Mike Maxwell make us a cartoon. We're going to go, we're going to do a Death Squad tour too.

We're working on that right now for the spring. We're working on, it'll be everybody that's on the podcast, you know, one of those things. It'll be like,

we're trying to do one with Ari, Duncan, Joe, a bunch of us, Kreischer. Get as many of us together as we can and hit some theaters. That'd be awesome. You know what, man? We should make it one of those long ones. I've been getting a lot of fucking emails this week, and I want you to use your head, people. Everybody keeps saying,

are you guys and Joe going to hang out after the show? Yeah, but there's only one problem. It's going to be four degrees so unless your joint is fucking made out of an igloo or something or fucking

a non-freeze papers we'll meet you outside it's going to be three degrees we really have nowhere to go so I hope that we do post an after party

somewhere yeah we're going to have an after party we want to see these people I want to do that thing with Pete the Cop Pete the Cop offered us some club

and I'll announce it at the actual show. Beautiful. It's going to be 20 degrees. Yeah, that's the best move. We can't do nothing. That's part of the thing is seeing these people. We'll meet a lot of people, though, inside when we sell the posters, too.

So we'll find people. So it'll be cool, man. I'm looking forward to it. Before you leave, did you see that fucking cruise ship? Oh, my God. Did you see the Italian cruise ship that sunk? Do you know those people? A bunch of people are dead.

At least 20 people are dead. A bunch of people are missing you know those people? A bunch of people are dead. At least 20 people are dead. A bunch of people are missing. Or 12 people are dead. 12 people are dead. They just found two or three more bodies last night. They're exploding holes in it so they can get to more places to find them. And I think there's 15 more. Well, the cruise ship company started calling up the passengers saying that they would offer them 30% off their next vacation with them.

That's nice. That's a great discount code. Can you fucking imagine people had to jump into the ocean to save their lives with their children? They should get free cruise for life. Could you imagine? I wouldn't go on a fucking cruise ship. Ever again.

If you fucking paid me. I went on one time to the cruise to nowhere in New York, 24 hours. I knew that shit wasn't for fucking me. It's a trap. I don't like it at all. Oh, they got great food. They got nothing. They got fucking all you can eat and you gotta go out to the galley to smoke dope. No, no, no. Just leave me on dry fucking land.

I think Anthony Cumia likes going on cruises. Doesn't he? I don't know. I think he likes just going and getting hammered and going on cruises. I hate it. I can't get it. But the fucking captain, man, the captain is totally to blame. Apparently he just drove it into the rocks, this crazy asshole. And he jumped off four hours before the last passenger got off.

This asshole was off. He just took off. He crashed the fucking boat. Could you imagine you spend billions of dollars on your cruise line, keeping everything maintained, perfect, and some asshole drives your big floating bus into a rock. And supposedly it was like something that, the same path that he did every day for years,

but he got bored and said there was one part where he just wanted to do something different. What? And so he went to a different way that he used it. Really? Yeah. Because you can track it. You can track the cruise on this website to see where boats go every single day can you imagine the audacity of a company to call you just a few days after you know people lost

loved ones people there's people missing still to for a company to have the audacity to call you up and say hey we're gonna offer you 30 off off your next cruise. Just because we want you... And you know what? The price of that cruise that you just almost died in, we're going to fucking throw that out the window. How about that? We're going to erase that. They're so delusional.

They're so detached. They think those people are ever going to get on a fucking cruise again. Fuck that, man. You've got a little piece of metal that's floating over an alien world and at any point in time something can happen and a hole could get punctured into that thing and then it sinks to the bottom of that alien world where you can't live and then what are you in then you're in a little floatable raft you know what bobbing around in shark soup and all this time this has happened when brendan walsh and doug benson have been on this cruise ship with Ween and all these bands and stuff.

This happened at the same time while they're online. And you could know Doug's probably stoned as hell. Wait a minute. Doug Benson and Brendan Walsh are on a cruise ship? Yeah, with Weezer and Ween and a bunch of people. It's a Weezer cruise. Really? Yeah, where they're just all in this huge boat together.

That actually sounds kind of badass. See, that made a cruise sound all right. If you can get a bunch of cool bands. But imagine Doug just being on that boat with Doug. Because you know you're probably smoking shitloads of weed, and you hear about that happening. You're probably like, oh, my God, we're on a boat in the middle of the fucking ocean. Where are they traveling?

I don't know. If you Google Weezer cruise. Are they back yet? I think they came back yesterday. Wow. All right, let's bring this shit back around the harbor, so to speak. Poor choice of words. No pun intended, quite honestly.

Wonka, wonka. Just slipped up. Powerful Joe Diaz. Love you, motherfucker. As always, I love you, man. See you in Chicago. It's going to be fucking off the chain. I'm training all week.

I'm ready. A pleasure hanging with you, my brother, as always. Oh, it's going to be fucking great. We're going to eat some Italian sausage sandwiches. You want to go to dinner with us tonight? Come to dinner with us. No, no, no. I got to go A pleasure hanging with you, my brother, as always. Oh, it's going to be fucking great. We're going to eat some Italian sausage sandwiches. You want to go to dinner with us tonight? Come to dinner with us. No, no, no. I've got to go down to Hollywood tonight.

You've got sets tonight? Yeah. You're a fucking savage. All right, you dirty freaks. Like I said, Chicago almost sold out. There's a link on my Twitter page. You can find it somewhere on JoeRogan.net as well. Take a master site.

It's almost done. It's just the nosebleeds left. We're going to have a good fucking time, though. Duncan Trussell, Joe Diaz, and me, we're so excited to be there. I can't fucking wait. And then the next night is the UFC on Fox. I'm fucking fired up for this. And we'll be there waving at you

motherfuckers, you know what I'm saying? Thank you to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our podcast. If you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off. Number one sex toy for men. And thank you also to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T.com, the makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, and New Mood.

All of them are nootropics. All of them are essentially vitamins for your mind. Please are nootropics all of them are essentially vitamins for your mind please google nootropics please please please educate yourself on the subject before you go and buy anything if you think about buying it but it's too expensive i urge you to go buy the recipe in bulk and put it together yourself make it just steal our own ingredients i welcome it i want you people to feel happy much more than I want to make money. So if you buy any of this stuff and you don't like it, you get 100% of your money back. It's as clean as I can make it.

There's no other way to be more honest about it. That's all we have for you, folks. So go to Onnit.com. Enter in the code name Rogan. Get yourself 10% off. Bitches! dot com. Enter in the code name Rogan. Get yourself 10% off, bitches. This Wednesday, we'll be joined by the one and only, the lovely Mr. Duncan

Trussell. Are you serious? That will kick off the Death Squad weekend. The Chicago weekend, bitches. Chicago! Can I give a shout out to my sponsors real quick? Fuck yeah. NoHoCC for all your weed choices. Divine Wellness for the best edibles in fucking North Hollywood.

And TaintedVisionArt.com. I love you, motherfucker. Next week after Chicago, what do you say about you and Felicia? No, you and Felicia coming to the podcast together to pump up your podcast. Let's do it. Come into Pasadena. We'll do it in Pasadena. Let's do it in Pasadena.

Before Vegas. Yes, before Vegas. Before Vegas, which will be February 3rd. Tickets are on sale now at a House of Blues in Vegas. Yes, before Vegas. Before Vegas, which will be February 3rd. Tickets are on sale now at the House of Blues in Vegas. Unfortunately, there's going to be standing room. There's going to be people that have to stand in the back of it. That's all we could get. I hate standing shows.

I avoid them like the plague. But it was standing show or no show. We had to go with the standing show. The other place, the Mandalay Bay Theater that we always perform at is being renovated. They're doing some crazy Michael Jackson show there. We don't even want to talk about Carlos Conduit yet.

And fucking Nick Diaz. We'll do that next week. We're going to talk. That's next week. My head's going to fucking blow up. That's going to be spectacular. Red Band, I love you. We might have to do one

with you and Joey for that one. Or you and Eddie, rather. You and Eddie. All right, that's what we'll do next week. Next week, yes. All right, you dirty freaks, subscribe to the Death Squad on iTunes. It's number Eddie, rather. That's what we'll do next week. You dirty freaks, subscribe to the Death Squad on iTunes. It's number six

right now, and that is on the Power of the Brian Callen Show, which is the most recent podcast added to the Death Squad label, and of course, Ice House Chronicles, which is the second most recent and my favorite podcast of the week. We do that one at the Ice House. We have

all the comics come in and sit down. This past week we had Burt Kreischer, Dane Cook, Ari Shafir was on. It's a fucking hang. It's a real look into the green room, completely uncensored. It's the real deal. It's really comics hanging out before

the show and then we jump up at the Ice House, which is one of the oldest and most respected clubs in the country happens to be in pasadena california that's where we do our thing okay death squad dot tv death squad dot tv we'll see you guys on wednesday thanks for tuning in thanks for everything thanks for all the positive tweets and all the love and all the energy we love you from the bottom of my heart this is a movement we're all a part of this shit together this is the reason why this works is because of you

guys. It's all together. We respect you. We appreciate it. We tweet everything that we find that's cool. We're all connected together in this motherfucker. Let's keep it together, bitches. Stay black. Thank you.