The Joe Rogan Experience - #1809 - Jessica Kirson

Episode Date: April 26, 2022

Jessica Kirson is a stand-up comedian, actor, producer, and host of the "Disgusting Hawk" and "Relatively Sane" podcasts. http://www.jessicakirson.com/

the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day well it's way easier for you to say that i'm part one i'm watching this fucking johnny depp i've haven't but i'm dying to know about it i'm watching this trial like Depp trial. I haven't, but I'm dying to know about it. I'm watching this trial like it's a cautionary tale. It's a cautionary tale about believing in bullshit, like forming a narrative in your head like we're rebels together. That's what I felt like about Anthony Bourdain and his relationship too, that crazy woman.

And then you're seeing it all play out in court like you've seen all the crazy come out you know do you know the fact like he talked about her shitting in his bed yeah yeah it's great so I it's do you think no no no right it's a real real problem hard to forget it's a real problem that's hard forget. It's a real problem. That's hard to forget. But she said that she used this specific makeup to cover all of her bruises that Johnny gave her, which is not true. Specific makeup. Well, the problem is it was a specific makeup. And it turns out that the company didn't even make that makeup at the time that she was claiming she was using it.

Oh, wow. That's crazy. Really? Yeah. make that makeup at the time that she was claiming she was using it oh wow that's great really yeah but that's what happens with people like that yeah people that are just completely manipulative and full of shit like that doug stanhope knows her his dan helps stanhope's buddies with uh johnny depp and he wrote something about you know like i forget what he wrote i think he wrote something about, you know, like, I forget what he wrote. I think he wrote, like, a little essay about how full of shit she is and she threatened to sue him and I think he had to wind up taking it down. I hope I'm not fucking that up.

But he knows her. He knows her well. And he's like, she's out of her fucking mind. And I'm like, like a crazy actress. He's like, yeah, like, those are real. Of course, there's a ton of them. There's a lot of them. That's why they're good. That's why they're good.

That is why they're good. Yeah, they're great actresses. They can just start crying. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's the whole Johnny Depp thing is just, he was famous when he was 20. And I don't think you get any kind of perspective like that. I think you're fucked.

It's like making cement, but you don't add in all the ingredients. It's like, oh, it never cured right. Yeah. Well, I mean, Johnny Depp, what happened? He looks, it's rough. It's 55 years of coke. He looks great. He's not 75. He looks great

for what he's doing. He's like 60. Right? Yeah, but then he started at 5. He started doing coke at 5. How old is Johnny Depp? He's gotta be 60. 58? 58. He looks like it's 55 years of donuts. Coke would make you look thin.

Well, he's not athletic. He's not working out. He's not taking care of himself. For a long time, at least, he smoked cigarettes. I don't know if he still does. But all those factors, they contribute to poor health. The outfits aren't great either. Where is she shopping?

Yeah, both of them, right? She's copying him, supposedly. She mimics his outfits. Let's see. What's going on here? He just had a weird tie on. Oh, copying him, supposedly. She mimics his outfits. Let's see. What's going on here? He just had a weird tie on. Oh, it's just white. Just white?

And it's short? That looks like it's very short. I think that's a vest, guys. Oh, yeah. Okay, okay. It's tucked into a vest. Oh, okay. That is a vest.

Yeah, it's hard. We're looking at low-resolution photos. I mean, the whole thing is just- He has a bob. Here's the problem. Even if he wins, she doesn't have any money. Like, if he gets $50 million in a settlement, the only good thing is everybody knows now. And this is a good thing. This is one of the reasons why it's good that he did this. Everyone knows now. Like, there's something wrong with her. Yeah. Like,

there's something wrong. Right. There's some sort of, like, mental issue. Whatever. There's some sort of like mental issue. Whatever. There's a lot of mental issues. And you said she shit in his bed. See, I haven't been following. I didn't say that. They said that. Who's they?

The people on the news. Well, they're always right. That's what I found out the last year. Okay. So they said that she shit in his bed. For what reason? To mark territory? Johnny Depp testified that Amber Heard ate a cheesy gordita crunch from Taco Bell.

Breaking news. Okay, let's see. That might be fake news. We're going to find out whether or not Amber Heard shit in the bed next on the Joe Rogan Experience. Dun, dun, dun, dun. Well, I'm trying to... Yeah, okay. It's Newsweek.

Okay. Clips of Johnny Depp accusing Amber Heard of defecating in bed go viral. Imagine, what a slow week for news. Newsweek is like, fuck Syria, forget about the Ukraine, let's find out about pooping. There's children's hospitals being blown up in Ukraine, but let's find out if she shit in his bed.

Look at him, I'm on my side of the bed. It was human fecal matter. Let me hear how he says it. It wasn't a good time human fecal matter jesus christ so i understood why it wasn't a good time to go down there she was sitting on one side of the couch i was sitting on the other sheet that's when she was trying to explain a few things about Coachella and the fecal delivery. And saying that it was the dogs. And I could not agree with her. I lived with those dogs. I picked up their fun.

It was not the dogs. Look at his face. First of all, this is a big win for Johnny Depp. And a big loss for the Pirates of the Caribbean. How about fuck you guys? You got rid of the best fucking pirate you've ever had for a crazy lady. You fucked up. Fecal delivery Daddy I just made fecal delivery

Can you change me What's fecal delivery That's a nice way of saying in court She shit the bed Cause you can't say that in court I made a fecal delivery What happens if he said she shit in my bed in court? Did they kick you out? Do they get mad at you? She made it don't

I bet you could say dump. She dumped excuse me objection She the defendant is using slang she fucking shit in my bed the defendant is using slang she fucking shit in my bed yeah fucking bitch shit in my bed did you see him smirking that's what made me laugh so hard yeah he kept through all of this but this is like what can happen to a guy like that if you get caught up in that romantic idea that this is my woman and he didn't even sign a prenup. He was worth like $300 million. Oh my God. And he didn't sign a prenup. What an idiot. You know what?

Then he like. Well, Embers insisted we were in love. We wouldn't need a prenup. And like, I didn't expect her to take fucking shit in my bed. How long were they even married for? I don't know, 11 days. They're in Virginia, in Fairfax, Virginia. That's where the court is?

Yeah. I wonder if it's favorable for plaintiffs there. Because it's a civil case where he's suing her for $50 million. It's like a defamation case. The thing is, there was a video or an audio recording that came out where she was admitting to hitting him She was admit like she changed this narrative and the way she was talking about it publicly This is that he was abusive and that you know

She was just as victim and she tried to protect him by not telling anybody and then there's I think that's roughly it and then There was this audio recording that he had secretly recorded where she's talking about hitting him And he said you punched me and he said uh i didn't punch you i hit you i didn't punch you i hit you yeah that's a good voice no you punched me no i didn't i didn't Yeah, you totally punched me You totally punched me No, I didn't, I just, I like brushed against you Yeah, and you deposited feces in my bed

I think the finger argument, when she cut his finger off This is the dumbest fucking shit I've ever heard Yeah, what were they arguing about? I want to say it might have something to do with the prenup finger off this is the dumbest fucking shit I've ever yeah what was the what were they arguing about I want to say it might have something to do with the prenup the the finger argue I think it was about the depositing of feces can imagine if it was the other way around if the woman had 300 million dollars and the guy was like cutting her finger off because she wouldn't sign a prenup. He'd be put in jail for the rest of it. She threw a fucking bottle at him.

Why did she do that? Find out, please, because I don't want to get sued. Did they ever explain why she deposited feces in his bed? Well, the fecal delivery was unexpected. I coughed, and it just came out, Johnny. She probably did X-lax cut ecstasy. Like ecstasy that's cut with X-lax. You know they do that.

With X-lax? Yes. They cut cocaine with X-lax. Are you kidding me? No, not at all. Because cocaine is already X-lax. No, they definitely do. They do it.

Why? Because they're dirty people that are just trying to make money off you, right? That's horrible because cocaine made me shit like a motherfucker. Did it? The second I did cocaine, I shit my brains out. Really? Yes. It's like coffee then. Yeah, you never did cocaine? No, I've never done cocaine.

I didn't know that. That's incredible that you've never done cocaine. It made me go right away. It made me anxious. So I went immediately. When I was in high school, one of my good friends had a cousin that was selling coke. Yeah. And I saw him lose his, like literally lose his life. He's still alive.

Yeah. But I mean, everything fell apart. He lost all this weight. It was just hiding in, they had an attic apartment. They were in this attic apartment all day. And all they're doing was doing coke, selling coke, and watching TV. And I was like, whoa.

Yeah, it's bad. I had a very hard time on that. I got very paranoid. I looked out of a peephole for six hours at a time. Depp said he painted with the blood on his finger after it was cut during a fight with Heard during the testimony of a violent argument in Australia, 2005. Heard claimed it resulted in the testimony of a violent argument in Australia in 2005.

Heard claimed it resulted in the tip of his finger being cut off. But what was the reason for it? Heard threw two vodka bottles at him and when one exploded, sliced his finger to the point where the bone was exposed. But what was the argument about? I think the argument was... This is what he wrote on the mirror. It had to do with Billy Bob.

Reminders. Billy Bob and Easy Amber. Oh no, Billy Bob Thornton fucked her. That guy's a stud. He fucked Angelina Jolie. He fucked her. Which is so... I mean, I would kill to fuck Angelina Jolie. How much would you kill? Like a puppy? Like a whole

kindergarten fucking class. Of my own children. Oh, back then too, she was super young. She was hot. Smoking hot. And they were doing the blood thing where they took each other's blood and put it in a vial and hung it around their neck. Yep.

They must have been doing wild shit together. doing the blood thing where they took each other's blood and put it in a vial and hung it around their neck? Yep. Yep. They must have been doing wild shit together. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes them couples, them fiery couples, they get together.

They get together and that's what happens. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they mix liquids and fucking... Throw bottles at each other. Yeah. Fucking bash each other's heads

into the wall. Shit in each other's beds. Fuck. We're partying. Shit in each other's beds. Fuck. We're partying. We're rock stars, bitch. Billy Bob. Billy Bob Thornton insists he didn't sleep with Amber Heard. He says it's not true.

Oh. That's what he says. Well, if he's saying that, it's probably not true. Her eyes. Her eyes. It's crazy. Look in her eyes. Yes.

Or he wants to fuck her again. Or, or. Her eyes, her eyes, look, it's crazy. Look in her eyes. Yes, or he wants to fuck her again. Oh yeah. He's like, I didn't, but I will now. Maybe he wants to fuck her again. Maybe he's single and like, she contacted him, like this is such a bullshit, like fucking Johnny is doing this to me and it's like, it's so traumatic. Yeah, listen, that sucks.

Listen, don't worry, I mean, I'll just cover for you. If you want to deposit feces in my blood. Wow, okay. Fecal delivery. The fuck? It's like we're getting a chance to see through this Will Smith thing with Jada Pinkett, through this Johnny Depp thing with Amber Heard. They're not just protected by publicists anymore.

It's not like they can just hide and you think of them as impossible people who are without flaws. And then when they die, you see the autobiography and you're like, oh, John Crawford was fucking crazy. Right. That's so true. We found out years later that they shit in a bed. That's what it used to be like.

Now you see it. You actually watch them shitting in a bed. You can see them shit on OnlyFans. Amber has to pay the bills. Imagine it's like Amber shitting the bed on OnlyFans. That's her own thing. Pretty soon you're going to watch the shit come out of some celebrity's asshole. For sure if they need money.

Right? For sure. For sure if they'd need money. Right? For sure. For sure if it gets hard. Hard times, like in between films. Did you see the shit come out of Britney Spears' ass on video? It's all over the internet. Like, you're going to watch someone's shit now. Somebody had a really good point.

Who'd they compare Britney Spears to? They were like, why is it that Britney Spears, that her parents claimed conservatorship over her? But look at all the male celebrities that are off the charts fucking crazy, blowing all their money. Who'd they use as an example, though? Someone recently.

God damn it. A guy? Yes, it was a guy that's out of their fucking mind. Trying to think of who's really out of their mind who's blowing money. Kanye, maybe? Maybe it was Kanye. Does he blow money? I mean, he does, but he has so much that it's like...

He has an unstoppable amount of money. Right. Because he's got money coming in constantly from all the Yeezys. Yeah. Yeezys sell off the fucking fly off the shelves. And all of his other businesses and then his music and then he's got that brilliant music player. Have you seen that music player? No.

It's fucking incredible. It looks like a UFO. What's it called again? Stem. Stem player, right? It's called a stem player. And you can mix music on the fly with it. Holy shit.

And he released his new album only available on this music player. What a brilliant idea. Brilliant. And he sold like two million copies of it immediately. So it's like what he's doing with this is, first of all, he's cutting everybody out. All the parasites that suck money out of them. Cut them out, and he creates his own platform for the music.

He doesn't just create his own music. He creates his own platform for the music to be delivered to people, and he's so big that people are like, we're in. I'll buy your stem player. That is a brilliant idea. Brilliant. He's a brilliant guy. There's no doubt about it.

He's crazy as fuck, but in the best way possible, like in the most creative way possible. Like he makes fucking, I'll show you something, but we can't show it on the podcast. Okay. Because we'll get in trouble because people get mad at us. But this is something that he posted on Instagram, and they took it down when he was going back and forth with Pete Davidson

because Pete Davidson is banging his his lady which is so crazy it's kind of funny I love it it's kind of funny I love it so much where is it god damn it I hate like lulls while I search but unfortunately that's unavoidable right now but this that thing is crazy too right like here you got I mean Pete has got the hottest it's crazy so he posts that about pete davidson but here's the best part underneath it last one for tonight maybe maybe maybe this is maybe last one for tonight maybe meanwhile that's that's the biggest lie on earth from what I've heard. Well, he's... Oh, yeah.

The other... Biggest lie on earth. About the meme. Yeah. No, about that fact. Exactly. About Pete. About him.

Yeah, exactly. The meme that he wrote. Yeah. Yeah, the kid's hung like a horse. Hung like a fucking horse from a first... Yeah. Yeah. Kid slinging dick.

Slinging. Slinging. Slaying. Yeah. Whatever the fuck you want to say. Slinging dick and slaying. Yeah. Both. He's out there. Yep. Yeah. Kid slinging dick. Slinging. Slinging. Slinging. Whatever the fuck you want to say. Slinging dick and slinging. Yeah. Both.

He's out there. Yep. Yeah. Kind of amazing. I mean, just the general numbers the kid's put down. Beyond. Yeah, like famous people too. Mm-hmm.

He's lovable. Mm-hmm. In some strange way. I love Pete. You know what he... I've known him since he was a teenager. He's amazing. He branded Kim's name on him.

He did? Branded. Where? Like Yellowstone. You ever watch that show, Yellowstone? You gotta get the brand. Yeah. Whoa.

Yeah. Where did he brand her name on him? I don't know, because he tattooed her name on him several times. What? And then she was like, well, you could always get rid of a tattoo. And he's like, hold my beer. This is unreal. Good for you, Pete.

Is that good for you? I don't give a shit. Who cares? At this point, who cares? I'm waiting for the trial. I want to see the Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian trial. Where did he? I wonder where he branded.

I hope it's on his asshole. On the asshole itself? Yeah, why not? That could get infected. That's not good. You can't cover it up. Poop's got to come out. Yeah.

Unless you fasted for a couple of days before the brand, so you cleaned out the pipes. I don't know. You just made me think of food for some reason. You have an amazing vending machine here. It's not bad, right? I don't know. I was just talking about branding assholes, and I thought of your vending machine. It's good.

It's healthy stuff. It's incredible. I just got 700 things from it. It's empty. I'm Jewish. That's okay. I literally pressed every button on it. My bag is full.

We can have cases sent to you. I'll have cases of stuff sent to you. You don't have to steal. I want everyone to know, has anyone talked about your vending machine? I don't think so. I think your people here were like, oh boy. I took a lot out of it Did you eat the protein bites? Yes the coconut ones with dark chocolate. I took that one He has this vending machine with all this healthy shit in it

But it's really good and you can press whatever you want. You don't have to put money in it and it's good I love free shit. So I pressed Good for you. It's great. You should try the alpha brain stuff. Try that stuff. I did. I got them. What do you try it before? They never tried it. I got the memory thing. The booster. Have

you ever used any kind of nootropics? No. Nootropics are. No. There are supplements that increase memory and brain function. I got them. I'm going to try all of them. It's real. There's a bunch, not only the stuff that we sell, that Onnit sells, but there's other

stuff that I love, like that stuff on the table over there is NeuroGum. That stuff's fantastic. What's that? What does that do? It's gum. I have no affiliation with these people, although I do think they bought ads, but I don't think we ever did them. Did we ever do a Neuro neuro gum ad maybe one the gum itself is good gum

it's tasty is like they have cinnamon and mint but what it does is it has caffeine it has theanine in it and some other stuff and it essentially enhances brain function oh that's great I need. I'm brain dead. All right. You seem very lucid. I'm very, I can focus when I'm in a conversation, but I'm really,

my brain is real. I've done a lot of drugs in my life, Joe. When did you stop? At this point, like a year and seven months ago. Nothing now? Nothing.

No coffee? I can't. No cigarettes? Oh, no, I do coffee. Oh, that's right. Ton of coffee. No cigarettes? No. No, I do coffee. Oh, that's right. A ton of coffee. No cigarettes? No.

No, I can't do a little bit of drugs. Did you ever smoke cigarettes? Yes. You did? A lot. What was harder to kick, drugs or cigarettes? Cigarettes was fucking hard. Really?

It was very hard for me to stop smoking cigarettes when I stopped. Like, I sobbed. Really? It's an oral thing. It's like a, it was a, such a habit. Yeah. But I'd say it's like quitting, quitting smoking, quitting drugs was really tough. But I've, I've, you know, it's not like I quit once and stopped.

Like it wasn't, I've relapsed at certain points. What was your favorite drug? I'd say, I mean, pot was always a big one but pills mostly i mean i've always like loved pills like what kinds i mean uh painkillers uh i loved ambien i know that might sound crazy to people but i love i love being knocked out and and i love like cooking a whole meal when i'm not remembering it the next day. I had a bit about it in my act because it really did happen to Kevin James. Kevin James went to the store.

I think he got a turkey, something crazy like that, and cooked it and forgot everything and woke up in the morning and called the police. And he's like, what the fuck is going on? Somebody came into my house and cooked food. I would be on the road and go to the vending machine and wake up with like, like the wrong way on the bed with wrappers all over me and chocolate over. I'm like, did I go down on someone's ass? Like shit all over my face.

Like I was like, what the fuck happened? Did I go down on Amber Heard? Like it was, it was insane. Like I just love blacking out. So I was up to taking like tons of pills a night of Ambien and then smoking tons of pot. And I have kids. Like I can't do that at this age. I can't be taking tons of Ambien and Xanax.

Would you take that stuff if you take Ambien? Like did you feel rested the next day? No. Because I took – I felt like I was run over by a truck you still took it again oh yeah i couldn't wait i'd be counting down the hours till i could take it again really oh yeah i wanted to die i mean i it's a slow suicide it's like wanting to pass out i wanted to knock myself out so when you take it how long do you take it before you knock out? Like before you pass out?

An hour or so? I would kind of milk it. I'd want to stay up to feel that like you know just my eyes. Really? Oh yeah. I love feeling whacked out of my mind. Why is that? i love being really because my brain doesn't stop i'm a nuts my brain so i love just knocking myself out so i would and i would have a vape pan of pot so i would take that and then i would just suck on that for as long as I could until I passed out.

Like I would never take a hit or two. I would suck on it like a fucking nipple. Oh, no. And then I would take Xanax. Like I would just, I'm an animal. Right. I'm an animal. You just keep going. Yeah, there was no like a little bit

and just get a little high. I would want to knock myself out. Go hard or go home. Yeah, there was no like a little bit and just get a little high. I would want to knock myself out. Go hard or go home. Yeah, so then like I would just wake up and there'd be like chips on me and like a pill on the floor. The TV blasting. And like my kid would just be standing like, Mama, time to get up. I'm like, this is fucking crazy. Oh my God.

And that's just. I'm like, okay. Just to sleep. And that was because COVID really freaked me out. And it's just like, I can't, it's not going to work. Oh,

so you went double hard with COVID? Yeah. Cause I'm like, I had a whole week of, you know, my special had just come out, my Bill Burt, you know,

Comedy Central special. I just did the Tonight Show for the third time. My career was exploding and then fucking COVID. And I'm like, oh no, this is not, I can't be home right now. I've been on the road for 23 years now i'm my all my work is canceled for a year and i'm home right i lost it yeah i'm like i i i have to do drugs again like i just i was like i'm done i'm not okay like i'm not gonna be okay so i just was like i can smoke

a little and then that was it how long have you been sober before that? I mean I've had years eight years six years like I but you know when I stopped working on myself I would start just smoking pot and then I'd start taking pills and that but I haven't had a drink in 22 years so 22 and a half years. That's the one you felt like just the most toxic. I want to keep away from that Yeah, well, no, I never I never loved Alcohol, but when i drank i would get cocked out of my mind but i i kind of wish i knew you then everyone says that i think it would have been everyone says that you and i to get blasted i know but every you know what like i when i go out with people, every comic says this.

They're like, you feel like you're more wasted than everyone in the room. Like I act like I'm wasted constantly. Well, you're silly. Yeah. I'm so silly. Yeah. But that's great though. Yeah.

That's great because you can maintain, there's a lot of people that get really boring and morose and fucking weird, depressed after they stop. Oh stop oh i know i'm not like that at all i'm so silly like at the at the um at the moon tower industry party the other night i fell over on us it's on my instagram page yeah i fall into things all the time i crash into tables and chairs like at uptight parties. I'm out of my mind. I'm like a fucking four-year-old.

How come every industry party has to have a large placard? Like there has to be some wall with logos on it. No one even takes pictures in front of them. But I don't understand. You can't just have a party.

You have to have that wall, right? It's so stupid No one even addresses Well some people do I guess I hate everyone But what a weird thing that people have Like that one big wall Where someone's supposed to stand in front of and take photos

I know I mean it's the world's ending That's the world's ending. That's the only time it exists. That kind of thing. They got so mad at me too. The people that put it up. For falling?

Well, I did it on purpose. Oh, you did? Of course. I grabbed onto it and dragged it off. You did it on purpose? Of course.

Joe, I do it at every party. Watch how I grab it Look They got mad at you? Yeah they're like That's really not funny That you grabbed that

Who said that? That guy right there? Yeah and I'm like I'm okay I'm okay It's okay It's okay This is what I do

But all the comics died laughing Because they all are used to it The Comedy Cellar I do it at the Comedy Cellar All because they all are used to it. The comedy seller. I do it at the comedy seller all the time. And the booker, Esty, is like, why do you have to do that? You know Esty. She goes, you have to crash into furniture here.

It's not funny. You're going to break the table because I do it all the time. But whenever a guy has to come up to a comic and say, especially a funny comic, go, that's actually not funny. Don't do that. Yeah. Oh, it's not funny to you? Oh, no. Because you're like your placard?

You're like this big fake wall that you put up with logos all over it? Is that like where you get to fucking draw your line in the sand? Well, that makes me want to burn the whole party down. Like I want to just take a torch and burn the whole fucking party down when someone tries to, you know,

censor me or shame me. You didn't even break it. No. You were pretty gentle. I know how to do it because I do it all the time. Everyone's like, how do you not get hurt? I'm like, because I do it all the time. I love when people get annoyed.

It makes me want to do it more. I'm like a four-year-old. I'm glad you're sober. I hope you stay sober, but I wish I knew you when you were partying. Maybe I'll just relapse so that you're happy I hope you stay sober But I wish I knew you When you were partying Maybe I'll just relapse So that you're happy

Just a little bit Just relapse a little bit We'll have rehab on standby I'll go to your house And like not tell anyone And I'll just relapse With you a little bit No problem

Just a little bit You know the falling down thing I always I have this theory about Chevy Chase. Yeah. Because everybody hates Chevy Chase. He's supposed to be an asshole. I know.

I hear that a lot. I think he's in pain all the time. Really? Yeah. Yeah, I do. And I think he probably gave himself brain damage. If you watch all of those old SNLs and you watch all the Fletch movies, how many times did that guy fall down?

Like all those pratfalls? Oh, yeah. Those are bad. Like some of them are really bad. Look at him. Like, no bullshit. You're right. The guy fell constantly.

Look, I mean, there's a whole thing. Dude, let me tell you something. If you do this over and over and over again, you're going to get hurt. There's no doubt about it. You know, you're right. And he's not like an athlete, right? So he's falling.

He's just trying to make it the most spectacular fall. Look how he's falling. Look how he fell off the fucking stairs like that. Watch this. That is bad. And dude, this happened fucking hundreds of times he did this on stage on television in movies i mean you're not he's not faking these falls i mean he's trying to protect himself a little bit from falling down but he's fucking falling and he's falling a lot

and so when you do this and you do this dozens of times a hundred times who knows i guarantee you he got injured i guarantee you his back's fucked up and most likely his head's fucked up you know you're not lying at all because you when you're like that like me you're gonna do whatever you have to do to get a laugh and to get attention because i'm filled with self-hatred and i need everyone to like me. I'm sure he is too. Right. So you're going to do whatever you have to.

I mean, like, I don't care if I get hurt. I'm going to do it. I'm going to go full force on it to get a laugh. Well, the thing is, if you fake fall and you, it looks fake, no one laughs. Of course. You got to go hard. Yeah. You have to slam your head

into the ground if you have to to get the last going face first off the side of stairs just because it's gonna be funnier that yeah did you know Chris Farley I did not know I met him once I met him what he came to a set of news radio when we're filming and he looked gray like cardboard really I'll never forget it I never forget he sweat like a thin oily sheen of sweat on his face and his skin was gray and i was like holy fuck he was partying with andy oh my god and he came to the came to the set i was like jesus christ he was to me one of the funniest i i laughed so hard at him i couldn't't. Oh, his pratfalls were insane. His energy level was insane.

I mean, you go back and watch those movies like Tommy Boy. He fucking went for it. You want to talk about a guy who went for it. Right, that's why he was so fun. John Belushi. I mean, these people were fearless. Fearless. But that's my theory about Chevy Chase.

And I think it's real. I think Chevy Chase got hurt a lot. And I think when you get hurt like that You're probably constantly in pain and the other thing is like The amount of times he fell and hit his head It's not a small number It's probably in the hundreds like when you fall and hit your head like that That's how you know people don't realize this but, but a lot of soccer players have traumatic brain injury from heading the ball. People who ride jet skis too much

get traumatic brain injuries just from the bouncing. That throttles your fucking brain, rattles your brain. I guarantee you he's rattling his brain. He's falling down over and over again. The guy's probably got brain damage. Like, he's probably all fucked up because you keep hearing about Chevy Chase yelling at people and saying fucked up things.

I've heard horrible things about Chevy Chase. But I think that's probably what it is. I'm not exonerating him from responsibility. I'm not excusing him. But I guarantee you one of the reasons he's so fucked up is all those falls. What's that new shit about Bill Murray? Did he just hit on someone or something.

I do not know what he did. I saw the thing that they shut down production and the fucked up thing is it's like Aziz's movie. So as I know Aziz is

like yikes shut the movie down. I mean Aziz went down for a consensual sexual encounter with a girl who felt like he was too pushy. Right.

It was something about wasn't it about eating someone? I love saying that. He ate her out. She blew him. But eating out, do you know how old of a term that is? I love saying eating out because that's from like when I was younger. Is there a new term? Did you eat her out?

Yeah. Going down on, isn't it like. Going down has been forever. I love going to third. Third now is. Third is fingering. Isn't it? You don't go to third with your face.

No, I think You slide in face first No wait a second This is gonna People are gonna talk about this from the podcast Second is breasts Yeah third is First is making out

Third is eating out Isn't No You're a dirty person You're Wait a second You're doing horrible things This is gonna be amazing

Wait A home run is sex Yes So isn't third eating out? Um Well if you ask Bill Clinton Who cares what he thinks? Well, I did not have sexual relations with that girl But it was sex because she blew him, remember?

Right Like everybody said, that was sex Right That's not sex So it's oral sex No But it's oral sex Right, so third is eating out

I think that's sex Eating out I think eating someone's pussy counts as sex. No, not to me. Wow. So you can just do that forever? You're always good? Get to third?

I think so. And you're a virgin. Yes. Yes. A sex, a penis in a vagina. That's it. It's home base. Okay.

I could see it if you point it that way. What do you think? Third base has always been like touching genitals. Okay. Right? Glamour Magazine agrees. Thank you, Glamour Magazine. It's the one thing we agree on.

But like fingering somebody, grabbing dicks. That's third base. Okay. So now first base is like anal. Grabbing dicks. That's third base. Okay. So now first base is like anal.

Apparently there was a study where they said that a lot of teenage kids because of porn, there's a high percentage of teenage kids that are doing anal. My thought was, what kind of fucking scientist are you? Imagine those scientists are engaging in that study. Like, what do you want to study? Do you want to study frogs being affected by climate change? You know, the carbon in the atmosphere?

No, no, no. How about kids butt fucking? How many kids are butt fucking? Is it more than before? Like, you got charts and graphs. This is when the butt fucking really kicked in. Somewhere around 2007,

that was when smartphones came available. Butt fucking escalated. I know. It's a lot to think about when you have a teen. When you have a daughter. I mean, I do too. I don't really want to think about. Yeah, tell them not to do that.

Don't do that. It's not worth it. No, it's not. Unless you go slow. What were you going to say? Hey. Yeah. I you go slow. What were you going to say? Yeah. I don't know.

You could have a fecal delivery, unfortunately. I think I want to know if that's true about the X-lax. Because I'm pretty sure they cut cocaine with laxatives. Let's make sure that's true. Because I'm a non-cocaine user. That's a cool thing to do. I'm just saying, anyone listening to this that has done or does cocaine, it is a laxative. Let me say this.

It's fairly evil, but it's better than fentanyl. Don't cut it with fentanyl. I 100% please don't cut it with fentanyl. Let me do that. Interesting. This is American Addiction Center's common cocaine additives. Oh, God. Look at this.

Common cocaine additives include laundry detergent, laxatives. Laxatives in there. Caffeine, boric acid, local anesthetics like procaine, and creatine. These all come in a white powder form that's visually indistinguishable from the standard form of street cocaine. They're not particularly dangerous, but also not something that you generally want in your body. Small particles and laundry detergent can build up in arteries and cause dangerous blockages in heart, brain, or liver. So the only problem in that list is laundry detergent, apparently,

because they singled laundry detergent out. They don't give a fuck about you causing a fecal delivery. What is boric acid? I think it's also laundry detergent. A form of it? Really? Really? Roach powder.

Oh my god. Oh my god, it's roach powder. Oh my god. So it's a fucking... Okay. Boric acid is a weakly acidic hydrate of boric oxide with mild antiseptic, antifungal, and antiviral properties. The exact mechanism of action of boric acid is unknown.

Generally, cytotoxic to all cells. It's used in the treatment of yeast infections and cold sores. Well, that's good. You won't get a yeast infection. Yeah, there you go. Like, while you're doing cocaine. Because that's a pain in the fucking crotch. I'm sure.

That's annoying. Dudes can get those too, right? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. It's great if you can do coke and not get itchy. Maybe that's it. That and cranberry juice. All together.

Yeah. Just clear it all out. Yeah. I'd rather that than get diarrhea. Really? Of course. I mean, meaning I'd rather not get a yeast infection than get diarrhea. So what would be better? a yeast infection or diarrhea?

Diarrhea. A yeast infection is horrific. You want to take a rake to your pussy. Really? It's horrible. A rake to your pussy. Yes. I'm never going to forget that.

A rake. Not even. Just that fucking metal. That's the name of my new special rake you see the rake I see the rake yeah I see a vagina and I'm like no yep that doesn't go there rake a full-size rake oh Jesus Christ I just snorted I'm not kidding a. A wire brush. It is so. One of those grill brushes. Yeah, sandpaper. Like a fucking, a grill brush would be amazing on that.

So what do you do when it itches that bad? You itch it. Oh, Jesus Christ. Then it gets infected? Yeah, you take a fucking raccoon claw. You take whatever you can. You go outside and you fucking capture a raccoon Little tiny hand

You kill a raccoon Yeah You kill a raccoon And you cut off its fucking arm And you rake your fucking pussy With a raccoon You do whatever you have to It's that aggressive

Oh god It's so itchy It's bad And what do they do for it? You get medicine. You have to call your gyno. There's over-the-counter, but you have to get a prescription. It's horrible.

I haven't had one in years. How long does it take for that to... I mean, now they have good medication. It could take a couple of days, but it's horrible. So for two days, you're just itchy. But it's so aggressive that you get the chills. It's like, ah! It's bad. Oh,'s so aggressive that you get like the chills. It's like, ah, like it's bad. Oh my God.

I know. I'm like, I have a phantom pussy right now. I know. That I'm itchy. I feel that you do. Like I get it. I'm trying to imagine. It's bad.

And it can go all over. Like it's just bad. It can go everywhere? Like the outside area? Yeah. Oh. It's weird that we have this strange relationship to bacteria because it's vital.

You have to have bacteria. And some of it just goes rogue. Some of it goes bad. But basically, we're an ecosystem of bacteria. Like every human being, you have more bacteria cells than you have human cells in your body. Yeah. I mean, you have to have, like, it's, I get it.

I know we have to have it. It's just, I don't know. I mean, and you can get it just from having sex too much. I mean, it's not, like, it's hard to avoid getting those. Is it, does it, does a yeast infection come from an imbalance? Does it come from an abrasion and an imbalance? Not an abrasion, I don't think. No?

I think it's an imbalance. Can you look that up? This is very, I don't know. I think it's an imbalance. Like a, some sort of, like, because they know that that's one of the things they use for, you know, with jujitsu, a lot of people get different rashes. You get like ringworm is one. It's a big one. Have you had that?

Yeah. Yeah, I've had it. Here it is. What is the main cause of yeast infection? Yeast infections are mainly caused by a yeast-like fungus named candida or manila. Okay, that's the same stuff that people get in their gut. Candida is what makes people, when people eat a lot of sugar. Candida loves

sugar. This fungus is a normal resident in your body. Usually your body's immunity keeps this fungus under control. It causes infection if you are sick or are taking any antibiotics. Right. If you take antibiotics, you can easily get one. Right. So you take,

you should eat yogurt and shit like that is candida look up as candida the stuff that uh people have in their gut when they eat too much sugar it is it yeah that is it right so what the point was that a lot of people to combat that they um start eating a lot of healthy bacteria so they eat a lot of um probiotics like one of the things people love is acidophilus acidophilus is really good especially like the serious stuff they keep in the refrigerator um yogurt things things with like active yeast cultures i like a lot of um kimchi and komb. Those are my favorite probiotics. I love kimchi. I like that stuff too.

Kimchi's fucking great. I like kimchi also. Yeah. But those things are good to like have a good, healthy gut biome. You know, you got to add some,

add some probiotic to it. Do you ever eat sugar? Yeah. You do? Yeah, I do. I just don't eat it a lot. You know, I love sugar.

Everybody does. No, I know. I just didn't know if you stay away from like sugar white flour shit like that I do I do for the most part yeah I stay away from white flour for the most me too but every now and then I'll have some pizza you know I'm like I'm not I'm not dogmatic about it but most of my diet is just meat and fruit that's most of my diet a large percentage of it occasionally I'll have like a corn tortilla. Occasionally

I'll have a piece of pizza. Occasionally I'll have pasta or something. But I feel like the best diet for me seems to be like unprocessed natural whole foods. Very lean. Very lean meat.

Like game meat is my favorite. But with that you have to have like bacon or something you have to have some fats like you need fat um you need especially need fat if you're on like a lean meat diet and you're just eating like salads and and lean meat like you're where's your fat coming from like unless you put a lot of olive oil on your on your salad you're gonna need some kind of fats do you do cheeses? Yeah, I like cheese. I eat very healthy. I mean, I've lost a shitload of weight.

Yeah, you look great. Thank you. How much have you lost since I first met you? Oh my God. I mean, I've lost altogether, you're not going to believe this, but about 150 pounds. That's incredible. It's incredible. I believe it.

I eat like the way you eat, but I don't eat sugar and white flour. But I eat like brown rice or sweet potato a little bit. Not a ton. Do you know Laura Bites? Yes. Laura looks fucking amazing. I know. And she, when I met her, she was big.

And she just decided over COVID, she's like, hey, I realize like fucking fat people are dying of this shit. That's what I, yeah, me too. Like I'm going to lose weight. Yeah. And so she got super dedicated. But she's so brave. Like she posts photos of herself Like before and after And puts it on Instagram

Like shows like Her at her worst And shows how she looks now You know And she She fucking She just wants to let everybody know Hey I did it

You could do it too It's totally possible I never thought like that I never thought I was ever gonna be lean And now she looks fucking great Yeah She's lost so much weight. She's super dedicated too.

She goes on the road with me sometimes. And she's always in the fucking gym. Like I get down to the gym, she's already in there. Already fucking hoofing on the treadmill. Like she puts in her time. I mean, I think, I don't think, a big part of it was because of my kids. Like I'm an older mom and I'm like, I have to be okay.

I mean, I'm not gonna live long if I don't get healthy. It's not fair to them. Right. And then you have that thought like, oh my God, who takes care of my kids? Exactly. They're going to lose their mother. Exactly. It's real.

It's real. Like Tim Dillon and I just did the podcast and it was all, it was really funny. Did you see a clips of it? No, I haven't seen any of it. Oh my God. It's hysterical. Was it his or yours? It was his podcast it was his podcast but there's a clip um it's it's actually it's on my instagram you should pull it up because you're gonna fucking die it's but we talked about the fat

movement that people are saying it's okay to be fat and um you know i'm like i i it was not okay it was not okay how fat i was like Like it was like, I don't, I don't agree with the whole thing. Like it was, I should not, this is a very short clip, but activism. Yeah.

It's pro fat movement. Now it's very interesting. The fat activism as people who've struggled with our weight. It's interesting to see now it's gone the other way where fat people are like threatening people on social media. I've been 330 pounds and no one should have been promoting me. I was disgusting and should have been shot. I should have been hunted down and shot.

I was not, I was an animal. I should have gotten help. Someone should have gotten a net and fucking put me in a cage and help me. So. So. But there's a movement now. Well, I needed needed to move i needed a lot of movement yeah oh that's great i mean

i'm in a group chat and someone uh sent me this one of the people in the chat sent me this thing about lizzo's new show that's what we talked about. Oh, okay. What did you... Because there's this transgender person on Lizzo's show, and they're all together. They're the big girls, and they're doing exercise together. And they're like 10, 15 seconds in, they're having fucking heart attacks.

That's what we talked about. That's exactly what we talked... He said, what if someone had a heart attack? It's possible. It's legitimately possible. This idea that that's okay and that's good that's that's as insane as drunk activists that's as insane as someone who's just shit-faced 24 hours a day with no concern of their liver and everybody's like no you do you boo you know you just you know, it's cool to be drunk. Well, listen, I mean, I get how hard it is. I've had a weight problem my entire life.

I mean, I went to fat camp as a kid. I talk about it in my act. What do they do in fat camp? You get more fat. So every summer I went. What do they do? I first went, I was 10 pounds overweight. The last summer I went, I was about 100 pounds overweight.

So I got fatter every summer. They fucked you up. 100%. So if anyone's sensitive to fat or being heavy, it's me. But I don't, you know, I think it's a major disease. I look at it as a disease and an addiction. So I don't look at it like, oh, it's just I eat too much. Like to me, it's a real addiction.

Your mind can play terrible tricks on you. And your mind can convince you to eat when you're not hungry and just keep eating. Right. And it's like this, like hate eating. Oh, I want to kill myself. So I, to me, it was a slow suicide. I literally hurt myself with food.

So I'm serious. Like I fucking, I literally hurt myself with food. So I'm serious. I fucking... I fuck my face with food. Like, I don't chew. What was your go-to food? I don't chew. You don't chew? No, I fuck my face.

Like, you can't get it in there quick enough? No, I will eat a whole sandwich if I didn't think I choked to death. Like a seagull. You ever see a seagull swallow a rat? No. Jamie? I might die if I see this, but... There's a video, I think it's in Italy.

A seagull swallows a rat whole, and it's not a small rat. Oh, my God! It just picks this thing up, throws its head back, opens up its mouth, and just choked... Watch this, here it is. Oh, no! Oh, my God, oh, my God, back, opens up its mouth, and just chokes. Watch this.

Here it is. Watch this. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Birds don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck.

Watch this again. Look how he picks that rat up. Oh, my God. He just swallows the whole thing up. He found a dead rat laying on the street, probably poisoned, and he just swallowed the whole thing. You know, that's a real issue with raptors. What is that one?

It's a starfish hole. A starfish? There's a few things. Holy shit. It said it eats a pigeon hole, too. I didn't click on it. Yeah, I've seen the pigeon. I have a question for you.

Yeah. How does that decompose in that thing's body, in the bird's body? Not good. The bird's going to die if that rat's poisoned. Wow. Because then the poison that's in the rat is now in the bird, and it'll eventually go through its digestive tract and into the bloodstream. That's how they, there's an issue with owls in the hills.

Yeah. Because a lot of people are poisoning rats, so they leave rat poison out. Oh, right. And then the rats get picked off by the owls and the owls wind up dying of poison and hawks too. Hawks too. Yeah. Because those are the ones that keep the rats other than the coyotes. They're the ones that keep the rat population in check. Oh shit. Yeah. So when some asshole, you know, doesn't like rats near his garbage can, instead of putting traps, he'll put poison. That poison gets into those other animals

and it fucks up the ecosystem. That's fucked up because I think most people do that, don't they? Well, a lot of people do. More so in the cities. I would assume more people use poison than they do traps. Yeah. Both of them are not that effective. Traps can be pretty effective if rats are stupid.

But the problem is once a rat sees a trap are not that effective. Traps can be pretty effective if rats are stupid. But the problem is once a rat sees a trap and sees another rat get snapped up in the trap, that rat will never get snapped up in a trap. And then once a rat sees, like rats send other rats out

to check poison. They send smaller, younger rats out. Really? Yeah, it was a Netflix documentary. Animals are amazing. They're pretty incredible. Well, it's evolution. I mean, that a Netflix documentary. Animals are amazing. They're pretty incredible. Well, it's evolution.

I mean, that's how you evolve and stay alive. It's natural selection. They've figured out that there's an issue whenever this thing shows up. So let's send, there seems to be some food out here. What the fuck is that? A whole rabbit, dude. A whole rabbit. Wow.

Oh my God. Jesus. Is the rabbit already dead? It seems like it is. I mean. Take it from the beginning. Yeah, is the rabbit already dead it seems like it is i mean take it from the beginning yeah the rabbit's already dead wow that's pretty crazy yeah look at that the fact that it's the rabbit is like half its body size i've never seen anything like that. Look at that. Wow, it's nuts. Jesus Christ. I mean, I get it. I get eating something that big and not chewing it.

Well, here's the thing. It's like as evil as that is, there's something evil and like remorseless about a bird swallowing something whole. Like it's emotionless. Right. There's something like mechanical about it, right? Yeah. Snakes take that to the next level. I know. Snakes are the ultimate of the serpent world, of that world of lizard.

Because underneath all those feathers, that's a fucking dinosaur, right? That's a lizard. It is. That's what those things are. Yeah. In fact, they just recently found out that pterodactyls, what do they call them? What is it? Petrosaur? Yeah. They found out the pterodactyls, what do they call them? What is it? Petrosaur?

Yeah. They found out they have feathers. Really? Yeah, they found feathers that are associated with petrosaurs, like fossilized feather remnants. So now they're reasonably certain that at least some of the pterodactyls had feathers. Because in the movies, they always had wings like a bat. Right. They don't think so anymore.

That's so interesting. They were fucking birds. They were fucking birds. Dinosaurs are birds. Chickens are birds. I mean, chickens are dinosaurs, rather. I wonder what the biggest thing a snake can eat. They can eat things.

There's a snake that died in Florida, because Florida is basically like a meth head version of jurassic park oh yeah the middle of florida is there's i think the number is somewhere in the high 90s 90 plus percent of all the mammals that used to live in the everglades are gone yeah the everglades i mean i spent a lot of population is down almost nothing rat population down population down to almost nothing. Raccoons. Because it's all been killed by snakes. And so the snakes have killed so many. Because there's somewhere in the neighborhood of a high estimate is half a million.

Half a million pythons that live in the Everglades. Holy shit. That's a high estimate. But these things are massive. Like they just found a 19-foot one there recently. Hundreds of pounds. And one of them they found that had a 12-foot alligator that it was trying to eat. So as it was trying to eat the alligator, the alligator was trying to get away.

And the alligator broke out of its body and they both died. My God. Can you look at that? Look at the size of that thing. Wait, I can't even see where the snake is. That's the snake all around it that swallowed the alligator. So that alligator tail is poking out of a rupture in the snake's body. I can't even believe what I'm looking at right now. So an alligator, his tail ripped through the side of the snake and they both died. That is sick. But the snake swallowed a fucking alligator.

They both died. That is sick. But the snake swallowed a fucking alligator. Head first. I can't even believe that. Look at that picture. Yeah, it's insane. I mean, they swallowed deers whole.

They swallowed people whole. There's a bunch of videos from other, look at, he's eating a fucking alligator. Holy shit. Look at that picture. Well, there's nothing left for them to eat. I mean, pythons are really some awful prehistoric demon creature that people used to have as pets. And these dipshits in the 1970s that had them as pets, you know, they just let them loose. I know.

At the golf course. And next thing you know, Florida's infested. Like it's changed the ecosystem of Florida. I know. Right. What are they going to eat now? They've eaten everything. What do you think is going to happen?

They're going to eat each other. And then the population is probably going to get ill. There's probably going to be some sort of sickness that runs through. And hopefully, I mean, I don't think there's a lot of illnesses that come from reptiles, especially not snakes, that transfer over to people. I never really heard of any. Wonder if that's true. Because I know there's avian flus,

and then there's swine flu, and there's a bunch of them for animals, and it's usually from agriculture, for making them live in their own shit and just disgusting conditions. That's where a lot of those crossover bugs come from. They come from large scale agriculture. But I don't think that's the case with pythons. But I think if I had to guess, they're going to starve. And then they're going to try to make it into people's yards. And they're

going to eat a lot of dogs and cats. They're trying to eradicate them, but there's too many. They would literally have to drain the swamp, like Donald Trump style. They would have to actually drain the swamp. Really drain the swamp. That would be the only way you're going to find all the fucking snakes. And you really have to kill them all. It started off with just a few. Now there's a half a million enormous snakes.

They're so big. See the most recent one. They just recently, I think it was last year, found a 19-foot long snake. A 19-foot long python. Do you like snakes? No, I don't like snakes at all. I don't either. At all.

At all. I hate reptiles. I hate alligators. I always buy belts specifically out of crocodile. Look, I'm wearing one right now. That's a crocodile belt. I hate them. I buy everything.

I go, can I get that in crocodile? Can I get it in alligator? Because it's dead. I hate those cunts. I hate them i buy everything i go can i get that in crocodile can i get an alligator i hate those cunts i hate them yeah they're fucking rotten creatures that just they're they're just the cleanup crew you know if you got a broken leg and you find yourself in the swamp guess what's gonna eat you alive that fucking alligator yeah and that's i hate them yeah i don't i've snakes freak me the fuck out i know people yeah yeah fuck snakes yeah i hate them i love snakes man fuck you if you love snakes you hate your stepdad for sure what what makes you say that because it's like something fuck you man all I need is my snake my snake understands me and you just can't wait to get your band of death metal and get out on the road get out of your house you know

while you're in the driveway with the van your dad's yelling at your mom like we gotta go man let's just go did you have pets growing up yes like a dog a dog? Yeah, dogs and cats. Yeah, I did too, but they were all treated like shit. Aww. No, it's okay. We moved and my mom forgot the two outdoor cats. Oh, no. She's like, I just didn't remember. I forgot them. People were different back then, though. Oh, yeah, you're right.

They were just one generation removed from the fucking Depression. Yeah. You know, their parents had to go through the Great Depression. They were hard people, Matt. That's true. Oh, my God. People were starving.

Oh, there's a video. Go to Nugget on Instagram. There's a video of some kids in 1901 that are looking at a camera for the first time. It's wild. Looking what? Looking at a camera for the first time. They're trying. Looking what? Looking at a camera for the first time. Like, trying to figure out

why they're filming them. So they're filming these kids with a video camera in 1901. 1901. And you're like, look at these people. Dude, you gotta understand, this is what our grandparents went through. This is, these are hard fucking people.

Like, look at that kid. These are hard people. Look at him. Look at him with his thumbs in his pocket. He's probably thinking, can I rob this camera? Little hooligans. Was that kid carrying a baby? The one in the front?

Maybe. It seems like he's carrying a baby. Could be his sibling. Yeah. Like, he's got a, look at that kid. It says right there, that one kid was 75 years old. Look at that guy who wrote that. It's true. He does, that one kid was 75 years old. Look at that guy who wrote that. It's true.

He does look like he's almost 75 years old. You could see right away, yeah, that kid's got a baby, I think. And people complain so much now. These kids had nothing. They barely survived then. Nobody had enough food. There was no one was fat then. No one.

No one. No one. They're all sharing one potato. Yeah, you couldn't. All four of those people. You couldn't was fat then no one no one no one they're all sharing one potato yeah you couldn't four of those people you couldn't get fat then there's no fucking food do you know the average size of a man in the civil war was like 130 pounds really yeah well yeah of course that makes sense no food nobody had any food god i wish we had no food let's see if that's true i'm joking what's the average size average weight of a man during the Civil War I think because I have information that's in my head I don't know if you're like I better

check this out it's pretty good some of it's pretty good no use a much more educated than I am I wouldn't say that I'd be like they wouldn't say yes you well your fat arised some stuff yeah what's the average? It wouldn't say educated. Yes, you, well, your facts. I've memorized some stuff. Yeah. What's the average weight of a man during the Civil War? What do you think it is? Guess. 141.

I literally just said that out of my asshole. That's a big guy back then. I think that guy was like the fucking, the top boss. You went lower. Fucking 100. 92. What's up? Average age of 26.

Average height, 5'8". Average weight, 143. Whoa. Pretty good. Dude, you nailed it. What was the age? 26. 26.

That's pretty old. Yeah, there's a lot. I mean, I've read stories now because I've done some looking back into that time period. There were kids that were trying to go in because they didn't have anything else to do. And they wanted to go fight for the family. And they would just sneak in. So there were some kids that got in under 16 and a little younger. Now, what is the average age of a 28-year-old man now?

Average what? Excuse me. Average weight. Average age of a 28-year-old man. What's the average? That's how dumb I weight. Average age with 20 year old men. See, don't say I'm educated. Stop. By the way, that's also the height is interesting. 5'8".

Yeah, well, I think it's a food thing. I think it's also a food thing with the... Now it's 6'4". So the average American 20 year old weighs 197 with a 40 inch waist and is just over 5'9". Wow. Only an inch bigger, 50 pounds heavier.

That is a very high weight for an average guy. That's a 20. I don't know. It says, again, I mean, it says what is the average age or average size of a 28-year-old man and then it goes to a 20-year-old for some reason. But that's... Well, either way, that's heavy. God damn, that's heavy. average size of a 28 year old man and then it goes to a 20 year old for some reason but but that's well either way that's that's heavy god damn it is heavy for an average well you know why because so many of them are super fat what's for a woman i'm curious what it is for a woman let's

guess 310 i'm joking 5b i say the average woman's height is 5 6 and i'd say the average woman's height is 5'6", and I'd say the average woman's weight is 140. I'd say 5'6", and I'd say 155. 5'4", 170.6 pounds. Holy shit. What? What? What? I'm not surprised.

The average American woman, 20 years old, weighs 170 pounds? That's a fucking welterweight. I'm not surprised. That's Kamaru Usman when he weighs in. That's crazy. I'm not surprised. That's so big. What's the height?

5'6"? 5'4". 5'4". I'm 5'4". That's so heavy. God the height? 5'6 5'4 5'4 Yeah I'm 5'4 That's so heavy God damn But I'm not surprised at all Well it's food

Yeah I mean it's the way people eat It's our access to food And by the way It is It is When I'm eating sugar and flour All I want is more and more and more

Yeah I'm telling you My body I can't I It's a problem. I just physically, chemically want more. They say it's that candida. I don't know if that's true.

I don't know what it is. That was this thing that I was reading. It was saying about there was a link between gut bacteria, specific types of gut bacteria and cravings. See if that's true. Link between candida. I totally remember there's a video someone made. It was really well, like it was a cartoon.

It looked really good. Oh, that's right, yeah. The information sounds really good, but then at the end of it, I think they were trying to sell something, so it seemed like, well, what is this? It seemed hokey. But does gut bacteria,

just Google does gut bacteria influence appetite? I definitely, all I'm going to get is that candida stuff. Right, okay. Whether it's true or not, I don't mean, I have to dig through all sorts of stuff, so. Yeah, we can't do that. I mean, it hooks you in. It does hook you in, but also the sugar spikes lead to crashes and lead to you wanting to get hungry again.

It's bad. But when I eat mostly meat, which is what I do, and fruit, I don't have horrible cravings. Me either. And vegetables. I don't crave anything. cravings me either and vegetables i don't i don't crave anything i mean i'm fine i'm really feel okay those hangry moments those come from eating a lot of carbs for me me too yeah i think for a lot of people yeah i like cheese i love cheese i love blue cheese i love like roquefort and i love like that fucking gnarly cheese i can i i understand that plus i love the fact my kids don't like it, so it's all mine.

Most kids hate it. Yeah, they eat the fuck out of cheddar cheese. I love cheddar. Yeah, me too. I love feta. Some people don't. I love feta cheese. You know, the best cheese is raw cheese, if you can get some raw cheese.

But I bought a house from this guy back in the day, and he was this really nice French guy. And he wanted to have us over for dinner. And he had this, I think it was called rock lot, this, like, style of cooking. They would, like, melt cheese and vegetables all together with meats. And he only wanted raw cheese, and he couldn't get it in America because everything has to be pasteurized and homogenized. So he smuggled cheese back from France,

and I was very worried that I would get caught at the border. You know, and this guy, that's how much he liked that cheese. He smuggled it in his fucking suitcase. Cheese. Cheese. Big old fucking giant chunks that cheese. He smuggled it in his fucking suitcase. Cheese. Cheese. Big old fucking giant chunks of cheese. That sounds good, what you're describing. It was very good.

I mean, I would be happy with cheese, meat, and vegetables. Just that. It was just interesting that it was raw cheese. In his mind, it had to be a raw cheese. That was the only kind of cheese that was cheese. The cheese in America was bullshit. Yeah, I mean, it's not great. Have you ever had raw milk?

No. It tastes fucking good. Yeah? Yeah. It tastes different. Yeah. It's like, I don't know if this is true either, but the enzymes in raw milk apparently, because it's not pasteurized and homogenized, your body has a much easier time processing it.

Yeah. I mean, supposedly milk and cheese is not great for you. Supposedly. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I think, but this guy was saying, you know, that this doctor, he was an oncologist, the French guy,

and he was saying it is because of the bastardization, the homogenization, it fucks up the pH. He was just saying that, like, for people that like if you it does make sense though that if like you you take milk regular milk that comes out of a cow it should have it's gonna have like all the natural bacteria in it and the enzymes and all the things that like allow a baby cow to drink it and it nourished them. If you took that stuff and you boiled the fuck out of it so everything's dead, which is what they do. That's what they do, right?

Pasteurization is a heating process and homogenization. The whole idea is that when you see a jug of milk that's sitting in a refrigerator for a fucking month, that's not normal. It's supposed to go bad. It's supposed to go bad pretty quick. Pasteurized milk is a raw milk that has been heated to specify temperature and time to kill pathogens that may be found in raw milk. Pathogens are microorganisms such as bacteria that make us sick. Yeah, raw milk can contain pathogens such as E. coli, salmonella, listeria, and other bacteria.

Yeah, it can, but it also can have none. Just like the food you eat. Like, you know, if you eat chicken, like chicken can have bacteria. You cook the chicken off, you know, and that's how you don't get salmonella, and that's how you get, you know, pasteurized milk. But at the end of the day, some stuff is probably better for you raw. It's just, you can't keep it on a shelf.

Raw milk, raw cheese, raw butter, raw cream, and raw kefir are whole gut biome superfoods. They seed the gut with diverse beneficial bacteria

while providing the enzymes, proteins, minerals, and good fats that bacteria love to eat. Well, yeah, that's it. Yeah, there's like- It's bacteria love to eat. Well, yeah, that's it. Yeah, there's like-

It's supposed to be better, all that stuff. It's supposed to be better, but you and I are not nutritionists, so. Yeah. But I do know for me, it tastes better. I like it. It feels better when I drink raw milk. I rarely drink raw milk. People were getting arrested for selling raw milk in California for a while.

Arrested? I don't know. Yeah, I don't know what was going on with that. There was like arrests and everybody was like outraged, like how absurd it was that you're arresting people for selling raw milk. That sounds really crazy. Mm-hmm. California's fucking crazy.

Well, a lot of places are crazy. California is off the charts right now. They're so crazy. I know. It's so crazy. It's such a mess. I know. It's just a big of places are crazy. California is off the charts right now. They're so crazy. I know. It's so crazy. It's such a mess. I know. It's just a big homeless encampment.

It's a what? It's a big homeless encampment. I think LA's, they're going to abandon LA, just run out, and it's going to be filled with tents in 50 years. When you go back to LA, you won't even be able to drive because you'll run over all the needles. So you're just going to have to park your car outside and you wear a hazmat suit. It's like backing up when you go through a rental car place.

Yeah, you wear like a bulletproof hazmat suit and that's going to be how you journey through L.A. And you're just going to watch people kill each other and shoot everyone. You can't sell raw milk across state lines in the United States. Okay. States may adopt their own laws, but I think it's California.

There was a California law. I know I used to buy it at a local health food store, and then something happened. Oh, here it is. Something happened. Following armed raids in 2010 and two arrests in 2011, the founder of the Rossum Co-op, James Stewart, was again arrested last Thursday by a trio of tough-looking men in street clothes driving unmarked luxury cars. So imagine armed raids for a guy who's selling milk.

Because he's selling raw milk. I don't know what's going on anywhere. Well, you do. I mean, New York is bad, too. I'm not talking about the homeless thing. Yeah, it's really bad for crime. Crime's bad? Well, when you don't arrest people.

I know. It's really bad. And when they arrest them and they let them right back out the homeless thing. Yeah, it's really bad for crime. Crime's bad? Well, when you don't arrest people. I know. It's really bad. And when they arrest them and they let them right back out. I know. Yeah. I mean, it's gotten so crazy. Like, I'm the kind of person where I say it's not good. I did it last night in Austin, where if I think someone's being bullied or things are

happening, I speak out. It's not a good thing to do, especially because I'm a woman. I mean, I'm being honest. Like, I'll be like, you know, what are you doing? Like, I get involved. Do you see something on the street that's happening? Yeah, and I stick up for people. It's not good. I did it last night with a little guy that was riding the bike. He was torturing this drunk guy on the street. He kept riding into him. Oh, Jesus. And I stuck up for the guy. I shouldn't get involved. It's stupid.

Did the guy get angry at you? I stuck up for the guy. I shouldn't get involved. It's stupid. Did the guy get angry at you? Yeah. He's like, get the fuck out of my room. I'm like, what are you doing? I got involved.

And I'm a woman. It's crazy. But I can't not say anything. It's crazy for guys, too. But I know what you're saying. I'm such a true. I can't. So, but in New York, I wouldn't dare do that.

Really? Because I'm going to get shot. Yeah, it's bad there. So noticeably different. Mm-hmm. When did it shift? I'd say during COVID. That de Blasio guy is responsible for so much damage to that city.

I agree with you completely. He was so fucking dumb. He's a nightmare. A nightmare. So weird that that was the mayor of New York City. He was so fucking dumb. He's a nightmare. A nightmare. So weird that that was the mayor of New York City. Horrible. Did you ever see that video that he released about bringing the arts back?

About how they're going to reopen the city? No. About bringing back... I heard about it, but I didn't watch it. You should watch it. Because it's so dumb. It's so bad. It seems like you're watching a scene in a Coen Brothers movie. I bet.

It's like in the Big Lebowski. Like a scene in the Big Lebowski. Yeah. Where these guys are like doing like some sort of interpretive dance. No, I'm not kidding. They're doing interpretive dance. Watch this. Play it from the beginning because we need to hear it.

Oh. You need to hear it because it's so goddamn crazy. You're like, no, no, no. Joe, you're exaggerating. No. Look at this. Look at the dance. to hear it because it's so goddamn crazy you're like no no no joe you're exaggerating no look at this look at the dance we need a recovery that brings back the life and the heart and the energy of this city and that everyone gets to be a part of and we're going to do that we're going to really

bring back the heart and soul of new york city we need our arts and culture back and we need people to see it and feel it to participate in it it, to know that that essence of New York City has not been defeated by the coronavirus, but will come back strong in 2021. They all got masks on outside, but then he doesn't. Culture will lead the way. Open culture is another step towards a recovery for our city. We're launching with 115 street locations in all five boroughs. This is the worst thing I've ever seen in my whole life.

But the music's fire, right? And give artists, cultural institutions, and creatives a place to showcase their talents as they recover from the pandemic. Our cultural communities, our conscience, our cultural communities. Now I'm definitely relapsing. I just made a decision to relapse. Where's that pot? We got joints right here. I'll fire one up.

That is fucking horrible. How about the fact that they got a guy who barely can speak English? We're going to bring back the culture. First of all, I just decided

not only am I relapsing, but I'm sucking dick for the first time in 20. That just made me homophobic and I'm married to a woman. What the fuck was that that but that was paid for with tax dollars that's what you need to know in the time where people's economy were the economy's falling apart people's businesses are collapsing

he's got everything locked down he's gonna dancing was all off. All off. It's like a scene, right? It seemed like a scene in a Coen Brothers movie. That was a Saturday Night Live sketch. It's too funny for that. That's amazing what you just said. That was horrible. Horrible. They're not wearing masks.

Everyone else is. This is the funniest thing. Well, he's not wearing masks when he's talking, but he was wearing masks when he's sitting down. And they're wearing masks. Everyone else is. This is the funniest thing. Well, he's not wearing masks when he's talking, but he was wearing masks when he's sitting down. And they're wearing masks while they're dancing. I need to get that and play that. Like, I need to rub one out to that. It was so bad.

The music. He should be arrested for that. That was so... It's like so bad. I just became an independent. I can't even believe what you said. Join Dave Smith. Become a libertarian.

But it's not even about libertarians. It's not even about any... There's great Democrats. There's great Democrats out there. No, I know. Of course there are. And I know you feel that way. you and i have talked a lot i mean meaning i the first night i met you we had a talk outside of the creek in the cave about how you feel yeah this uh democrat republican

thing is the worst thing for this country i know This idea that you could be on one or the other team. It's so bad for people because we just inherently, we have this instinctual tribal instinct to join a group and to adopt all the ideas of the group. It's bad for us. It's not good. And it's not, by the way, it's not what's happening. Right. Meaning most people are not on one side or the other. No. Most people believe in different things from different sides. Yeah. Especially when it comes to like financial things. Yeah.

Things that have to do with their children, things that have to do with crime. Yep. You'd be amazed at how quickly people become a little more pro-police and concerned about crime and protecting neighborhoods when you have children. It's almost instinctively people become at least slightly more conservative in that regard. That is true. Yeah, because you realize,

especially if you see actual crime and violence, if you actually witness this and realize, oh, you're in danger, and it takes a long time for cops to get to you, if you see actual crime and violence. If you actually witness this and realize like, oh, you're in danger and it takes a long time for cops to get to you. And people in New York are experiencing that right now where they're realizing like, oh, no one's coming. Like make that phone call. No one's coming.

Call 911. Good luck. Yeah. Who's going to help you? It's also people feel differently sometimes when they live in a city or they live in suburbia. Like there's different or what where you live What parts of the country it's there's it's a lot of different factors a lot of different factors. Yeah

It's just The way they handled things You know particularly like post George Floyd giving in to the Masses of people that were saying crazy shit like defund the police like what are you saying like do you know where this leads he's saying defund the police like no money take away the money for the police no when we're saying defund the police we mean defund the police like oh great until you need them like what the fuck do you have an arsenal

in your house do you know how to fend off arms armed thugs do you know how to do that no what are you talking about yeah i'll take a few people to break in your house and steal everything and kill you yeah and if there's no cops no one's gonna do anything about it yeah i i i don't i don't think i i mean i think like a lot of people i think like that's a very small group that say that. It's a thing to say. Yeah. They don't believe it. It's a thing to say.

And if they do believe it, they haven't thought it through. But it's this thing that you say so that people know that you're on the right team. I understand that completely. I mean, I've always wanted to ask you this. Do you care? This is such a general question. Do you care what people say about you? You can't care what people say about you.

Well, people do care, but do you care? I mean, look, it's not nice if people say mean things about you, but you don't have to read them. Right, because I don't read it. I always wonder if you read it or not. No, it's not good for you. It's not. No, especially when there's a concerted effort to slander you. Right. There's an obvious concerted effort to attack. You'd be a fool

to read things that like like during the times of heavy cancellation attacks. You'd be a fool to read that. Like what did you like? They're literally trying to affect other people's opinions about you. Are you going to let them affect your opinion too? Are you going to let them change your mood? You should know who you are, and that's hard, right? It's because you change all the time. You're always in a state of flux and hopefully in a state of growth, but your mood changes based on the amount of stress and pressure you're under

and your obligations, the amount of sleep. So you're not a constant static thing that's in like a this is a steel cup this steel cup is always going to be a steel cup no you're all kinds of different things you know like look at you you improved your life you got off the drugs quit taking ambien you lost a shitload of weight like you're in you're changing you're constantly in a state so knowing who you are at all times is hard it It's complicated. You've got to kind of have a base understanding of who you are. And I think that's generally based on some kind of a discipline. You have to have some kind of a discipline.

Whether it's yoga or meditation or some sort of a ritualistic type of exercise or something. You need something where you're pushing yourself and you're testing yourself and you're feeling some discomfort so you know yourself. If you don't do that, you're in real trouble. And if you don't do that and then you also read other people's opinions about you, you're in real trouble. Very big trouble. Yeah. So that's the answer. Like I'm aware when people are mad at me, but no, I don't read it.

Yeah. I think that's a very good decision. Yeah, it's not. You can't. I find out about enough of it without reading about it. I'm reluctant to adopt that position with the news because I've thought about it sometimes. Sometimes in the morning on the toilet, I'm just reading the news until my legs go numb. And I'm like, what am I doing?

Do I really need this much news? I don't do it. I don't look at the news and I don't watch the news. I can't. Because I think it's self-destructive. In a way. I'm hurting myself when I do that. I don't need to look at it. If I need to know something,

someone will tell me. I think that too, but in a way, I feel like as a comic and as a person who talks a lot about things that are happening in the world, I kind of have at least some sort of an obligation to be informed. Although Jamie's almost always informed anyway and he lets me know when something's really fucked up.

When something's really fucked up, I'll oftentimes find out from Jamie. Jamie's at the forefront. That's true. He's an internet kid. Yeah. He knows the internet. It's just one of those things where you have to manage your diet in terms of what you take in mentally. Just like you have to manage your diet physically, like your body, what you eat.

You have to manage what you fucking think about. You can't just fill it up with junk. Yeah, I just know people that they'll get accused of things or people will try to quote-unquote cancel them or put stuff out about them because I've had stuff put out about me. And I know where I stand and who i am as a person so i've learned to not get so affected by those things because i know who i am like i'm very i'm very

firm in who i am as a person and as a soul so i don't i don't let it affect me but years ago before i did so much work on myself i would have been crushed right and fucking like bedridden because i wasn't so secure with who i am as a person now yeah i've seen people really lose their shit i know over some minor stuff i know criticism or you know yeah it's like you got to be able to take that and to be in this business yeah and you can't dwell on it no no yeah you can't or get out because they go after you especially when you're successful forget it you're fucking but i think my feeling on all this stuff that's going on about even cancel culture like what what what people are talking about is cancel culture it's people realizing that they have the ability

to affect things around them, especially if they act in groups. Now, I'm not saying it's good, but when people realize that they can organize a campaign to attack a politician or attack a celebrity or attack someone who they feel like is deserving of that, and then they spend a lot of time online doing that. I'm not saying it's good, but it's fascinating. It's fascinating because it's a never before available portal for expressing yourself. And I think just like everything else in life, there's this bad aspect of things that happen and then there's a correction that may at least potentially be good. And I think that way when I think of all this cancel culture shit and all this criticism stuff and all the chaos and the infighting between the right and the left and the fucking battle for control of the government. All of that stuff. When I look at all that stuff, I say this is a strange time for the processing of information, the distribution of information.

It's the Wild West and no one knows what the fuck to do. And there's a lot of people that are trying to apply traditional models to how to handle things today, and it's not working. Like, here's the thing. There's so much cultural shifting happening on the internet, but nobody controls the internet. I know. That's what's so crazy.

So this, like, for the first time in the history of human beings, regular people, just people people, who got a YouTube channel, who get a fucking Twitter page, who get this, have a massive say. A massive say. Crazy, right? In the way people feel and think about things. I think ultimately that's going to be a good thing.

But we have rough water ahead. That's what's going on. And all the people that are calling for censorship, you're only calling for censorship for people that don't agree with you. But there's going to be people that don't agree with you. But there's going to be people that don't agree with you. And if they get the fucking reins, then that shit comes back around at you. Yeah, I know. And that is how dictators form. That's how they take control of governments.

Censorship is fucking dangerous because it's a mental form of dictatorship. You're deciding what people can and can't do. And you're deciding it based on your own ideology. And how do I know if you've examined it? How do I know if you're introspective? How do I know if you've done the work? How do I know if you've like being honest about yourself, about your, your failures and your successes and your kindness and your weakness, your strengths, your, your, your, your flaws. How do I know? I don't fucking know. But I do know this. If you want to censor people, most likely you haven't. Most likely you haven't done the work.

Yeah. And this is where we find ourselves with Elon Musk about to buy Twitter. Yeah, I saw that. Apparently it's going down. It happened. Oh, shit! What? Oh, shit! The press release has been announced. Elon Musk just bought Twitter.

We got a movie star type of a superhero. It's like a movie. Like, if you had a movie and there was a guy who was like a hero in the movie who happened to be a billionaire, does wild shit, like makes his own rockets and drills under the city and electric cars. That's fucking insane. Elon Musk agrees to buy Twitter in a $44 billion deal.

Agreement to take social media network private marks the close of dramatic courtship. Here's why that's going to be interesting. Yeah, tell me. I need to hear what you think. He believes that free speech is important, and not just important, vital for a democracy,

for a functioning democracy and i agree with that and what's interesting about this is we're gonna look we found out some things about twitter and one of the things they do is shadow ban people so they make it so that your your content whatever you put out has less impact it has it less engagement. They limit your ability to express yourself. They ban accounts. And they ban accounts if the account says something that they don't agree with. If the account says something that violates

what they believe is a... Do you know you can't dead name someone? Right. You know, like Bruce Jenner was Bruce Jenner his whole life. And then he became Caitlyn Jenner. And if you call Caitlyn by that other name, you're dead naming her. And they'll ban you. They'll ban you for life.

I didn't know that. They'll ban you for life. So me even saying his name as a name, there's nothing wrong with that name. It's how he won the Olympics. That was the name of the guy on the Wheaties box. That as a name. There's nothing wrong with that name. It's how he won the Olympics. That was the name of the guy on the Wheaties box. That was the name. But by me saying that name. I never knew that.

That name. People write articles when I do it. Like, oh, he's dead naming her. You're talking like you're in a cult. I'm saying a fucking name. And it was a name that someone used for a long time. It's not meant in any way, shape, or form to be disrespectful. Wow.

That will get you banned for life from Twitter. That's crazy ideological shit. Yeah. That's what that is. That is nuts. That's cult shit. Nuts. Yeah.

Megan Murphy. Do you know who she is? Yeah. Feminist commentator and friend of mine who's been on the podcast before. She got banned from Twitter because she was in an argument with someone about transgender access to women's spaces. It was something like, I think it was around the time. Was it about the guy who became a woman and then kept his dick in balls and wanted to get him waxed? Was that the person in Canada?

Because she's from Canada. There was some crazy. Anyway, point is, in this argument, she goes, a man is never a woman, though. This is what she says. Like, this is her opinion as a woman. You can't say you're a dick and balls and then I become a woman and now you have to say that I'm a woman. And she's saying, no, a man is never a woman. This is what she's saying.

So that's her opinion. It's her opinion. And it's, you know, obviously in this day and age, that's a controversial opinion. But I believe she deserves the ability to express it. And I believe people have the ability or deserve the ability rather to refute it and to argue and make a better argument against that. And that's what discourse is all about. Right. But meanwhile, they banned her from Twitter for life for saying that.

They banned her from Twitter. They banned Megan Murphy from Twitter for saying that. I don't think that's okay. It makes no sense. It makes no sense. At all. She's a valuable, interesting person

who has a great perspective and she's very wise and she has good points and we're missing out on those good points. You have to get it from her podcast or you get it from her Instagram

but you can't get it from Twitter anymore because they decided that during that conversation she crossed the line. That's fucked. Yeah. That's just fucked. Whether I agree, disagree or or anything i believe that she has a right to say it

and i don't think that you should be banned from twitter for saying what you want to say no and i feel that there should be you know like people should agree disagree and there should be a conversation this should be a conversation this is is America. Also, this ability to shadow ban people has to be exposed. Right. That happens on TikTok. Do you remember that clip you just saw? Yes. Where I said I should be, it was about me and my body and how I felt. Yeah. It was taken down and I was put on probation. Well, TikTok is rough. It's the roughest. Yeah. Well, I think they don't want anything that interrupts ad revenue and anything that gets them. Can someone buy TikTok and please? Maybe you want to buy TikTok next. Jesus.

But maybe the Chinese won't sell. Maybe they sell it. It'll be like one of them deals like you think you bought it, but there's nothing in it. I doubt someone's going to sell. They're not going to sell TikTok. They're really the worst. TikTok's the worst. I can't believe I didn't think they were gonna That was gonna happen with him On Twitter That's amazing Apparently it was really close yesterday And I heard this morning

That it was probably gonna happen But the fact that it's now announced That's fucking amazing Look it'll change everything And I wonder how quickly It is before Donald Trump's back I think he'd I already saw the thing. He said he's not going to come back, even if Elon bought it.

I didn't see a reason why, but that's. Oh, I'll tell you exactly why. Because of his truth social social media. Why are we playing around with this Twitter shit? We'll be on true social. Is that big? That's Donald Trump's social media platform. Is it big?

The biggest. Is it? It's the best. It's the big? The biggest. Is it? It's the best. It's the biggest. The biggest of all time. They say that Twitter's not as big. Donald Trump says, I'm not going back to Twitter, even with Elon Musk taking over. Donald, reconsider.

Can you imagine the fucking tweet? I mean, look, do you want to win or not, Donald? It would be huge. Do you want to fucking win? Is he running again? Of course he's going to run again. Do you think so? Of course he's going to run again.

How much do you want to bet? I don't know. How old will he be? 80,000 years old. How much do you want to bet? How much do you bet? I don't think he's going to. Let's make a bet.

Let's make a bet. I don't know. You're so much more loaded than I am. What do you want you bet? I don't think he's going to. Let's make a bet. Let's make a bet. I don't know. You're so much more loaded than I am. What do you want to bet? 50 bucks. Of course. Okay, 50 bucks. I don't think he's going to run again.

That's like a meal. That's a shitty meal. Yeah, but it's like a sandwich. 75 right now. 75. Yeah, he's 150,000. So he would be, what, 77? Wait. Yeah, 77, which is younger than Biden. But he's got so he would be what 77 wait yeah yeah 77 which is old younger than biden but

he's got a lot more energy than biden oh he shit biden is terrifying when biden is getting off stage and like trying to shake hands that aren't even there his hand i feel like his hand's gonna fall off when he gets off stage and his turns like the person's gonna walk away with his hand sometimes i wonder if his hands gonna whole hand's gonna fall to fall off. There's no one to shake his hand. That's my point. He's trying to shake people's hands and they're not there. You haven't seen this? I have.

I saw it. He just turns around and he puts his hand out. Vinnie Brandt. From the Stress Factory? Yeah, he made a video of him going up to shake his hand. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's like, what are we doing?

We've got to get him out of there. They should have someone. Listen, Kamala Harris is not the one, but someone should represent the United States to be able to talk. Look, he turns and no one's there. Where do I go? Where do I go? Where do I go? I feel bad.

This is fucking insane. He's got two more years on the job. This is insane. I mean, I think probably it was accelerated by whatever the fuck they gave him to get through the debates. I bet they had him cranked up on Adderall. Has he fallen a lot? Yeah, he fell on the way up the stairs once. Remember that?

So maybe he has the Chevy Chase. I mean, not that he's mean, but he's just a little out of it. He had brain surgery. You know that, right? He did? Yes. I didn't know that. Serious brain surgery. of it. He had brain surgery. You know that, right? He did? Yes. I didn't know that. Serious brain surgery.

He had- I had no idea. He had like a widow maker type aneurysm and they had to take the top of his fucking head off. They take the top of his skull off. They remove it. When did that happen? They have to drain his head

and most people don't survive. Okay. Before he was vice president. Holy shit. That was a long time ago. Yeah, he's had major brain surgery. Okay. Yeah, I think he's had two strokes.

No, I'm not joking. Why are you laughing? You're a terrible person. Look at you just laughing. I'm a comic, Joe. What the fuck? Because basically he's had a lobotomy and he's president.

You're telling me he's had all these brain surgeries, strokes. Look at this. Look at this. He later required two brain surgeries for aneurysms, one which had already broken and another which had the potential to break. The surgery saved his life. He initially had common physical effects of strokes such as facial droop.

Following six months of recovery, he was cleared to return to work. The aneurysm changed how biden viewed his daily activities now more than 30 years later he will soon be inaugurated as the 46th president so he was unconscious for five hours yeah that's not good either um yeah it's a form of stroke with a high fatality rate it says but it's a serious one he talked about it in a video where they they literally like take the top of your fucking head off. All right. So the president is the scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz, but it's okay.

All right. So 50 bucks. I don't think. Stop. If you do that one more time, I'm going to kill you. Stitch that fucking thing back up like Frankenstein. That's so crazy. I don't think Trump's going to kill you. Stitch that fucking thing back up like Frankenstein. That's so crazy. I don't think Trump's going to run again.

50 bucks is mine. I'm going to spend it at Joe List Sandwich Shop. Next time I'm in New York. Joe DeRosa. Did I say Joe List? That's how much spot I've been smoking. Joe DeRosa. What is it called?

Joey Roses? That's what it is? Joey Roses Sandwich Shop. I love Joe DeRosa. He's a great guy. I love him. He makes a great Joey Roses? Yeah. That's what it is? Joey Roses sandwich. I love Joe DeRosa. He's a great guy. Love him. He makes a great sandwich. Amazing.

Yeah, it looks good on Instagram. I eat them whole. Like a seal. I do like that rabbit. I'm not kidding. That rabbit. I just picture those two hind legs. This is the most disturbing.

What? Komodo dragon eating a monkey. Yeah, because the monkeys, they grab at things like people. Was the monkey alive? Oh, yeah. The monkey's alive. Was it screaming? It happens all the time.

Was it screaming? I'm sure it did for a while. But it's a common thing. Why? Komodo dragons eat a lot of monkeys. They do? Yeah. I knew you were going to bring it up.

Sorry. Look at this. So see him screaming? Oh my God. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah, the music's not necessary because there's no sound of the actual thing. But I mean, the monkeys fuck because the monkey's like a thinking creature.

I understand why you hate those things i fucking hate those that's evil they are well they just they're remorseless soulless i mean look they don't give a fuck about their own babies they certainly don't give a fuck about that monkey and they're all just going to try to tear it apart and look at its tail swinging around yeah i mean it's it's aware that this is happening and then there's no getting out i mean the amount of force that those things have imagine if you're as small as a little monkey like that and you felt that thing clamping down so look at this one swallowing this deer it's a goat look at, swallowing that goat. I mean, what they can do in terms of like-

That looks like me- They can swallow- Secretively eating when I was out of control. At a buffet? No, at a buffet I'll eat a salad. Buffets are rude. They're rude to fat people. I don't eat in public in front of people.

I'll dip the salad in the dressing, but at home I'm, look at that thing. It's like, hello? A lot of videos of them. I'll dip like the salad in the dressing. But at home, I'm, look at that thing. It's like, hello. A lot of videos of them. Buffets are rude to fat people. Yeah, I know. It's rude to have all you can eat.

That is rude. It's so crazy because you're just like letting a person, you use self-control. I feel like these monkeys are like trapped there so that we could film this video.

Did you just see it run to him? They could film this video, I should say. Yeah. It's like he knows that these monkeys are going to be there. What are you doing with this? I was trying to read the comments to see if somebody had some insight.

I think they're all just too busy jacking off. Look. I think they probably either drug the monkey or I think they do it this way. Oh my God, look at that. Look. Yeah. I wouldn't be surprised if this was actually in captivity

because it seems like it. It seems too convenient that they just happen to be there over and over again when this thing's eating monkeys. Who's going to be that comfortable, be that close with a camera to the photo dragon that's hungry?

Exactly. Get the fuck away from me. They probably got them high. They're such a creepy lizard. There was one point in time where I lived in this house that had a courtyard. Yeah. And I was thinking of sealing the courtyard in and getting a crocodile monitor.

You know what a crocodile monitor is? No. And I would just feed it rabbits and watch it there. I thought about that for like a whole week. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought about having my own Jurassic Park in my house. I can understand that.

But I didn't want to kill rabbits like that. Let the rabbit just watch the rabbit get jacked. That's a crocodile monitor. You could buy them as pets, which is really weird. Go to that one in the corner with the yellow spots. Yeah, that's what it looks like. Oh, right. I know what those are.

That's very cool looking if i had like a cunty mammal population but like you don't want to just keep killing rabbits like that whoa that's cute because if you're on team mammal and you're constantly feeding mammals to team reptile you would feel it'd feel like a little bit of a traitor yeah Yeah. I don't know if you'd want to see little rabbits getting mauled. I'd want to see it a few times. I don't know how many times, though. Not enough to keep the crocodile monitor alive. You know, that's the thing I think probably happened

to Florida Everglades pythons, is that some asshole like me just had one and thought it was cool and had his friends over. Do you watch, man? I'm done. I'm going to feed him a rat. And then after a while, they're like, I'm tired of buying rats. just had one and thought it was cool and has friends over do you watch man done i'm gonna feed him a rat and then after a while they're like i'm tired of buying rats like i'm just gonna take this fucking thing and throw it in the backyard what's the craziest thing you ever ate because you've eaten some weird shit i ate a Madagascar hissing cockroach.

I ate sheep's eyeballs. Oh, my God. I ate... I don't know how you did that. How did you do that? I had a Iraqi cave spider. Oh, my God. Yeah, I ate...

I know I keep saying, oh, my God, but, I mean, honestly, how you ate an eyeball, I don't. It was nasty. It wasn't good. But you would eat an eyeball if you're hungry. No, I wouldn't. It's basically just some kind of protein. I don't know if I would.

I'm not kidding. Really? If you're starving? An eyeball? If you're starving? If I was starving, I guess I would have to. You would. People eat people when they're hungry.

But you weren't starving. No. And you ate it. Yeah, I did it for. You would. People eat people when they're hungry. But you weren't starving. No. And you ate it. Yeah, I did it for the show. Michael Yeo. Oh, yeah. I mean, Michael Yeo. I love him.

Yeah, this is, Michael Yeo was in episode one of Fear Factor. I, look at him. Look how young he is. Yeah, he was a DJ. Okay. You don't have to see this. He was a DJ in Miami I think at the time I'm doing his podcast

this week tell us that I I will I love him an eyeball did you ever like throw I mean did you ever get sick

I only threw up once from Fear Factor and that was watching it at home for whatever reason I never threw up on the set but I was watching it

at home and there was this girl and she was eating worms and she kept throwing them up in the glass and then trying to eat them again and I don't know if it was the close-up the fact that you know that you know they had like a really high resolution close-up on it I'm watching on a big screen tv and I don't know what it was but I literally ran in the sink and threw up in the sink and I I never threw up on the set. Isn't that incredible that you were watching it on TV and threw up,

and you had never threw up from doing anything, from eating anything? I got super used to throw up. Super used to things that were disgusting. The porn where it didn't bother me. People could throw up right in front of me. And I'd be like, you all right? It didn't make me go. When I was in high school,

like everybody remembers if you were in school and someone threw up, everybody wanted to throw up. Everybody would run away from the throw up. Like, Oh my God. Yeah. Of course. That doesn't, that doesn't work on me anymore. Like you could throw up right in front of me and I would just go. Of course. From being on that show. Was that your favorite TV show? It was my favorite. That you ever worked on? It was my favorite financially. Of course. Favorite for that. Because it gave me,

for real, it was fun to do because the people were nice, the people I worked with. But it gave me, fuck you money. And that was the best part about that show. It was a good job

and then it gave me money that I didn't have to think about money. That's great. I could just go and just do stand up. And that's right after that. I started the podcast. Oh, it's amazing.

I started the podcast like within a year or two of Fear Factor being done. I used to I watched it constantly that show. I loved it. I thought that fucking show was going to be canceled immediately. You did. That's why I signed up to do it. I was trying to do a sitcom. I had a development. I was trying to do a sitcom.

I had a development. I had just gotten off of news radio, and then I had a development deal to do a sitcom. And then NBC came to me and said, hey, we got this thing. We'd really like you to do it. And I'm pretty sure I was high for the rehearsal or for the interview because it wasn't an audition. They just wanted to talk to me. Right. Which is great and i

was like what are you talking about you're gonna sick dogs on people and that was the during the day where i got high a lot that was like that was like my almost everyday high days yeah during the um early days of fear factor yeah i was always getting baked so when i showed up i was mocking it i was like what are you talking about and that was almost cost me the show. Like they were going to go with someone who took it seriously. They thought I didn't take it seriously enough. You were just like, what? What do you mean? I just was laughing. I was laughing. They're going to stick dogs on people and make them eat dicks. Like this is so crazy.

Make them eat dicks. Make them eat dicks on TV. Yeah, which they literally did. They had a drink cum. What kind of cum? Donkey. Donkey cum. I would fucking die.

Yeah, they had to drink a whole beer stein full of it. Like this much. There's a video of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's one of two times where I came to work and I found out what they had to do and I go, hey, you guys are going too far. Only one of two times ever.

The other time was they were riding bulls. The people had to ride bulls. And I was like, yo, these are bulls. Yeah, that's dangerous. The stunt guy was like, don't worry about it, boo. These are stunt bulls. I go, stunt bulls? I go, does that bull know he's a stunt bull?

I bet he doesn't. I bet he thinks he's a fucking bull. bet he doesn't right he thinks he's a fucking bull yeah right bull with full bull hormones like he's just a bull I mean maybe he's not oh that's how much look at that that's how much cum they had to drink and the other one's piss so the one on the right is donkey piss and that one's donkey well donkey piss is like heaven compared to the gods yeah butir of the gods. Yeah. But look at these guys plugging their nose. And the girls were trying to get him to throw up.

And so the girls were making like throw up noises next to them. This guy's just chugging jizz. So that's what got the show canceled. Guess what? What? That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. Congratulations. I was right there.

Right there. Right up close. And the fact that he did it. And then they threw it up. They got to throw it up in buckets, which is great. And so look at this. They're just chucking up cum. And these donkeys just feeling real bad about that. That's what got it cancelled? Yes. That episode? That episode got it

cancelled. Because it got leaked on. Look at her. That's a sexual scene right there. 100%. Are you sure? The producers did. Because that a sexual scene right there. 100%. Are you sure? The producers did, because that's the porn I watch. With the mascara running down the face. Yeah, I like that.

When a woman looks like she's going to die from giving head. Because my mom wasn't around. So that turns me on. Do you think they wear mascara that runs easy on purpose? Yes. I know they they do it's a look right yeah yeah of course and then you just start do you have choices with mascara so that's a choice like you know what's gonna happen really of course that's it and it runs immediately it's literally like let me find the kind that... Yeah.

They find the kind that immediately runs. It's not even like... Yeah. They probably missed it. They probably put something in your eye. You know? Chop onions in front of you or something. Yeah. Right?

Of course. They squirt mustard in your eye. Yeah. It's weird, the different kinds of porn because if you go to Pornhub or any of those places now the number of stepmom videos is off the charts

oh yeah like we're in a stepmom phase yeah it's major and I'm wondering if this was triggered by the pandemic where a bunch of people had to be home yeah right like you couldn't be out there in where a bunch of people had to be home. Yeah.

Right. Like you couldn't be out there in the wild and maybe you had to quit college because now college is remote. So you come home and you're around your stepmom, your dad. That's really funny. You should make a bit about that. It's very funny. Don't you think that's it? Yeah. Yeah.

It's really true. Let's find out if this is true. Boring. The rise of stepmom porn. Yeah. Does that sync up with the pandemic? I wonder if anybody's done a study. It's always been around for a while.

It's always been around as a premise, but it's overwhelming. And stepdad. Just from my, there's that too. I saw that the other day. Stepsister too. Yeah. A lot of stepbrothers. Step everything. Yeah. It's forbidden. You're not the other day. Step sister too. Yeah. A lot of step brothers. Step everything.

Yeah. It's forbidden. You're not supposed to fuck your mom. Right. It's forbidden. Yeah. Yeah. That's what a lot of porn is.

It's like forbidden stuff. Right. I can't believe she's doing that. I can't even Google that. Yeah. Housekeeper. Yes. It's a lot of housekeeper.

Yeah. Gardener. Gardener. Yeah. The pool boy. There is a lot of coronavirus porn. Yeah. Gardener. Nanny. Yeah. The pool boy. There is a lot of coronavirus porn. Oh, yeah. I'm sure. People wearing masks and the porn to be like, you know, I don't know. To be safe. That's so not hot to me. Yeah.

It's like wearing a condom. Yeah. Condom porn's gotta go. I can't. I'm sorry. There was a law they passed in California for a while that you had to wear condoms in porn. I remember that. Which is hilarious. Because, like, you know, what are you trying to say? Well, we're going to be the moral authority for pornography. If you really cared, you wouldn't let them do it at all.

Like, I'm sorry. I mean, first of all, like, if you're going to do porn, you've got to risk getting diseases. Get out of here. You're not even taking the kind of risk i'm taking you're a pro i'm taking a risk of my partner finding the porn on my computer you better not wear a condom get out of here with fucking condoms it's nonsense it's so not eternal i can't it is gross though that humans give each other diseases through sex yeah it is it's got to be one of those things where nature's like, there's too much fucking.

That's probably where all that stuff came from, right? Of course. It's disgusting, but it's worth it sometimes. Not a lot, but it's worth it very few times. It's worth it. The thing is we got so smart that we stayed alive. We're not supposed to live this long. So we're supposed to be so horny

because we need to fuck a lot and make a lot of people because most of them are going to get eaten by snakes. I know. That's really. Yeah. That's really what it is. It's mostly like crocodile monitors and alligator fucking attacks.

Yeah. They're all eating kids. The free porn sucks now, by the way. You got to pay for it. Really? What do you pay? $7,500 a month. I'm paying for porn.

Is that from Just the last money? Yeah, I made a ton this week. No, there's that site Brazzers. This is what I've been talking about all week. Yeah, that's a good site. So you pay for Brazzers? Well, I just joined. Do you worry about credit card fraud when you go? I mean, I would imagine.

I don't care anymore. I'm willing to lose my... I'll risk it all. I'm willing to risk my entire life savings to watch some good porn. So free porn is just not the way to go. I just think there's so many ads now. I click on something and I'm like being...

I don't know what's happening there's like come on call me like i just leave me the fuck alone yeah i can't i can't fuck my pussy come on yeah like god what is happening who am i talking to i think that's how a lot of those gals make a living now they do stuff in front of a camera i know but that that's never a lot of those gals make a living now. They do stuff in front of a camera. I know, but that's never turned me on. I get why it turns men on. I get it. I get it. I think it's probably the interactive aspect of it.

I totally get it. But as me as a woman, it doesn't turn me on. I get it. I hear you. It just doesn't. I could never talk to someone live that I don't know. It's just weird. But all of it's weird.

I'd be like, hi, Karen. How are you? Like, I just would feel so uncomfortable. But I understand why men want that. It's got to be really dangerous for those girls. Because you'd imagine a lot of men would get very attached to them. lot of men would get very attached to them i have friends who are making tens of thousands of dollars from like sending a pair of underwear you have no idea really comics and it's underwear huh anything um it's insane a picture wow a picture of something Something they've worn. They're making so much money right now from OnlyFans or just a relationship.

Not a relationship, I mean an internet relationship. Right. Of sending a picture or an article of clothing or just something they've worn, like anything. So how does that work? Does the person, like if someone's on OnlyFans and someone wants to buy underwear from them, does this person, do you know who this person is? Like, do you know their name that you're sending the underwear to? Like, it's not anonymous.

So like, you know, you know, hey, Mike's kind of creepy. He's buying underwear off this lady online. Like she knows now that he's buying underwear Off of her But they know each other now So now he's buying Articles of clothing Let me get your socks

Let me get some stinky socks That's weird shit But he could pay $5,000 But my question is like where does this go When I'm seeing that kind of interaction with two human beings, I'm like, does this escalate? Does it die off? I guess it dies off sometimes

and it ends up becoming more and more and more money. And I know people who've bought a condo from it. Wow. Now, this is something I wouldn't do. You don't have to clarify. Right. Maybe you would if things go sideways. Alright, it is how I brought a house. You don't have to clarify. Right. Maybe you would if things go sideways. All right. It is how I brought a house.

But let's just. My socks with my smell on my ass are very a hot commodity right now. Put together in a plastic bag. Yeah. In a Ziploc. Leave in the sun for a while. Yeah. Let it heat up.

From a microwave. But let's not get into it. No. It's. I. Listen. I have friends who are making a ton but i wouldn't do i just unless you needed it unless yeah unless i unless i was still fat fuck because i'd need to buy food

um no it's it makes sense to me but yes it is scary i't know. I think sometimes it would escalate to a weird place. And plus, this is the thing, Joe, we do live shows. Right. That's my point. And there's no security. Right. And like if I'm in the middle of like Ohio doing a show, who knows if this guy's going to show up? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's no one's being vetted. I know some gals that have had some real problems with internet guys online.

That scares me. Yeah, because they're doing a show and this guy just shows up to a show and then maybe shows up to another show that's like two states away. And you're like, oh boy. And then maybe they know what hotel you're staying at. They could easily know what hotel you're staying at. They might be able to talk the guy at the counter into saying that you're their girlfriend. Yep. They want to surprise you.

You never know. Oh, I know stories of that where they show up to your room and knock on the door. Especially if it's some fucking idiot that's working the counter and they don't know any better. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah, so it's like, yeah, you're getting a lot of money, but... The thing is, like, how long can you do that?

Like, what do you do if you get, like, imagine. Here's the thing. Imagine you're a girl and you sell a lot of pictures of your vagina and, you know, you do stuff for money online and you're using this to pay your bills, buy a house. But then you get in a relationship with someone. And then it gets kind of serious. and you're thinking about getting married if you get married and what if the guy says hey I don't think you should be sticking your pussy in front of the camera every night if we're married well then think about the amount of money she's risking by getting involved in an intimate

relationship and it might inhibit you from getting closer to somebody because you might think hey if this guy if i get serious with him and he starts telling me what to do that i can't do this i'm gonna miss out on like i heard as a girl that someone knows who's making 10 000 a month i know someone who's making a lot more than that really a lot more really there's people making 10 000 a week really yeah that's $10,000 a week. Really? Yeah, that's no joke. $10,000 a week? Yes.

There's comics that I know, not a lot, but there are some female comics where I have seen their pussy on numerous occasions and then I go on shows with them and I'm like, I've seen her pussy. Like, it feels weird. On OnlyFans? Yes. So I don't want to have seen their pussy. You pay for it.

We don't even want to. I i don't i've never seen it you you're looking for it no i'm meaning i it is hot i'm not gonna lie it's hot but i do feel weird that I'm like on shows with people that you've seen. Yeah, it does feel weird. I'm not because I'm not a guy. I mean, I'm gay, but I'm not a guy. Right. So I mean, I am gross.

I love porn and I'm disgusting. But it is different for me as a woman. Like I don't love being on a show with someone where I'm like picturing because I am picturing that. So I am male that way where I'm just thinking about their pussy the whole time. And when they're showing you their pussy, is it in an artistic way? Well, I'm not like they're not showing me. I've seen pictures and videos because someone showed me. Right, right.

But what I'm saying when they're showing that. Yeah, they're fucking themselves with a dildo or showing their asshole and stuff like that. So they're not getting fucked and stuff. They're doing stuff to themselves, which is even more like, whoa. It's all weird. And then they're doing comedy. So I'm like, I'm watching their set and I'm picturing them fucking themselves with a dildo. I'm not listening to one joke.

Not the only one, right? Every comic, every male comic that's watching them is picturing the exact same thing and so are you getting the these images and videos from someone sending them to you yeah male comics show me everything so male comics that are on the road are constantly showing me like women they fuck oh boy they're showing me pictures they get because they think i'm a guy like they see me as a guy so they're always like hey jess check out this fucking pussy this woman just showed me like sent me or whatever and a lot of times or they'll be like should i fuck this girl look what she looks like and i'll be like oh my god you should totally fuck her like i'm very much like i you know bro out with guys

like that but i always feel weird because i'm also friends with so many female comics so I kind of don't want to see their pussies. Yeah. Yeah, I get it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I just got to put that out there. Say, hey, those road skanks, bring them over. Yeah, those I don't care about. Those chicks that I have to do shows with. Yeah. Yeah, I don't really

want to. It'll inhibit our conversations. Yeah, I don't really want to see. But the thing is it's like if you had to choose between waitressing for like a hundred bucks a night or showing your pussy i agree for a hundred thousand show the puss show it yeah like what are you gonna do yeah you can get a hundred grand a month showing your pussy you're gonna say no but this that's my question about like a relationship. Like if you're one of those girls that does that, I mean, I guess the guy just has to

accept it. Yeah. Or don't be with her. Yeah. Or don't be with her. But the thing is like maybe there's a guy that's right for you, but like he's going to have a problem with that and you're not going to want to do anything about it because it's so much money.

I mean, that's a lot. They get some of these women make so much money. I mean, that's a lot. They get a lot. Some of these women make so much money. It's insane. Yeah, which I'm for. I'm not against this. I'm not either. I'm just putting it out there. I'm just saying that's a situation.

I've never been against that. It's also a situation with work, right? Like, I read about this one teacher. She got fired from a job because they found out that she had an only fans page and i'm like huh that's a difficult one yeah what do you do about that should you be allowed to but like what if you work somewhere and then it becomes an issue like what if you didn't tell anybody what if you have an only fans page under a pseudonym and then you uh work somewhere and then it gets revealed that you have this OnlyFans page and then all the guys start getting your videos off the – so the culture and the environment at work becomes weird. Right.

I don't know about that. I have – It should be allowed. Like if you're a teacher. Right. If you're a teacher, a teacher is kind of weird because there's kids involved. Right. There's development.

But even then, I'm like, hmm, why is that? I remember one teacher got outed as a former porn star and she got fired. They found out that she had done porn in the past. That's different. That's in the past. Yeah, but you can still watch it. That's the problem. Everything is online, you know, so it's all available.

Yeah. So if you used to love to get stuffed on camera I love that term all of your fucking students don't want to respect you because they're dehydrated

from jerking off to you all night they'll be like oh good can't wait to go to detention probably the entire class is jerked off to you right if you're a hot teacher that did a porn every guy watched it so great having a hot teacher oh my god it's like the greatest fantasy a man has ever known is hot teachers in college and in high school high school yeah even middle. Hot professor with glasses. Oh my God. That's my-

Especially if she dresses you down in front of the whole class and then you get to apologize to her. I just came. My- My biggest- You're a bad boy, Bradley. My biggest fantasy is that, is probably like a teacher teacher that whole fucking teacher thing with the glasses and the oh my god that's the biggest one that's a big one it's right up there yeah like the white

button-down shirt the whole fucking oh my god yeah it's like for guys it's like a lawyer like school thing teacher lawyer yeah lawyer the whole thing that's mine it's it's also like a person in a position of authority yeah yeah pantsuit or a yeah like if kama hair started doing porn yeah well you like that you want kind of no i don't but you know what kind of only fans interaction she would have what probably pretty strong yeah oh she would have? What? Probably pretty strong. Yeah. Oh, she would have a, yeah. Who's the most, the biggest earner on OnlyFans?

I don't know. That's a good- Black China. Black, what? $20 million a month. What did you just say? Do you understand how much money that is? Hold on a second. Can I see a picture of her?

Hold, hold on a second. This is the lady that's suing Kim Kardashian because she supposedly got her reality show. There was some shit with, you know, because she had a baby with Rob. That one. She makes $20 million a month. So, like, I'm looking through this. That's what I'm talking about. People make, these women make so much money. That's so much money. I know. I'm talking about there's people make these women make so much money

that's so much money I know I'm telling you they make it's insane how much money these women make how is that possible

everyone on this list is like the top 15 earners on there they're all celebrities but they maybe made that amount one time in a month and then something changed

with all of their accounts it seems like it's like Bella Thorne is number two so she's making 11 million a month but now her account is free so how like you can't be making that money off of free stuff well right but they have like what who is bellathorne what does she do actress cardi b cardi b makes $9 billion a month. Look, monthly subscription, $5. She only ever posted six times.

Oh, she's only posted six times. She made 81 million subscribers. 81 million. Tyga, rapper. Oh, my God. He was posting, like, it says behind-the-scenes footage. $7 million a month. Holy shit. But he deleted his account to go to a competitor or something which Wow but look at that

shit though $20 for a month he costs more than Netflix and you get to see like behind the scenes shit and he was making seven million bucks a month that's crazy okay who's Mina? Mia Khalifa. Erika Mina. They're making a lot of fucking money. A few people I have no idea who they are. Go to number one. I want to see it. This is what's insane.

She charges $19.99. I like how she's like a business person. I'm not going to charge $20. I'm going to charge $19.99. 33 years old too. She's made 15 to charge $20. I'm going to charge $19.99. 33 years old, too. She's made 155 posts. That's a lot of posts. How many likes on her OnlyFans page? She has 18 million Instagram followers.

Some of the numbers don't add up to that number at 20 million, which I'm like, okay, well, that's fine. She has risen to the top of the list in terms of earnings on OnlyFans. Is she hot? What does she look like?

She has to be hot. She was a stripper, right? Maybe. I mean, she's not unattractive, right? I couldn't pick her out of a lineup. Can we see a picture of her? Yeah, we can get one. Oh, sorry.

She's balling out of control, though. Oh, she looks great there. Is that really what she looks like? She's hot as fuck. I mean, that's not hot. That's a different one. Okay. Okay.

That's why it's so hard to tell with these goddamn pictures. Point is, she's making... I would assume she does some sick shit on there. Well, she might look totally different within a year now. It depends what she's doing on there, too. What are you trying to say, Mom? If she's doing some interesting things on there, she's going to get more

people to watch. Foot Freak Mondays. Fans only. Link in bio. See? Like if she's doing foot shit. Foot shit. Foot shit's where the money's at? A lot of people are going to subscribe to see some shit with your feet.

How weird is that? Do you get it? No. I don't either. Not really. I mean, pretty feet are hot. They are hot. Yeah.

I love pretty feet. But I don't get where people jerk off their feet. Are obsessed. Yeah. I've had people ask me for pictures of my feet. I have nice feet, but it's crazy. I found a magazine with my friends in the woods when we were like 13, and it was Foot Action Magazine. Really? Yeah.

Yeah, I talk about it on stage sometimes. I have a whole bit about it. That is so funny. Yeah, we found this bag that someone had stashed in the woods of porns. Because that's where you'd find porn when I was a kid.

You'd find it in the forest. Because usually it's some sad married guy who had to go hide in the woods and he had a stash of porn. But this really did happen. We're going through this fucking magazine, and we realize somewhere in the magazine that it's like a fetish magazine.

Like, it looked just like, it didn't make any sense. It's like, where's the sex? Like, what's happening here? Like, it got to the end of the magazine, and my friend goes dude that shit was all just dicks and feet and you were 13 that must have been so i might have been younger i might have been younger

because i was living in florida at the time and that was between 11 and 13 i lived in florida we found that magazine. I know. I mean, of course, we know comics. We're obsessed with feet. Yeah. I do. Fitzsimmons is obsessed with feet.

He is. Yeah. He told me that. He gets worried about it. He starts sweating. Yeah, I know. He loves feet. He does.

That's so funny. I know that. Yep. He's like, yeah. But he's open about it. Like,. I know that. Yep. He's like, yeah. But he's open about it. Like it's out there. Yep. Yep.

Do girls have a thing, like a similar thing? I'm trying to think. Like a weird, I mean, girls, girls love hands. Hands. Yeah. With men. And I'm trying to think of what what else I mean I have some I have a couple of friends who love men's thighs thighs yeah like a big thigh I know I don't I get that though. Yeah. Yeah. Trying to think of what else.

But women love men's hands. Hands. Yeah. Like if you're thinking of like, not feet. Yeah. It's not a thing for women. No, weird.

At all. At all. It's like gross. Gross. It's like, ugh. Gross. Gross. Yeah.

It's interesting. Yeah. op is like gross gross yeah it's interesting yeah like what like what about people is attractive is very interesting because we just we have we we know what it is we know what an attractive person is and we're it's normal we're accustomed to it but if you weren't a human and you were watching humans from afar yeah and you were like some other life form you're like look at how arbitrary it is like what they decide is like why is why is this shit attractive i've thought i just was thinking about that recently where it gets crazy where they look like spiders growing out of your eyes i was thinking i'm not kidding i was like why are certain things attractive yeah it's weird there there have been studies about this. Yes, I'm sure.

Why certain body, like on our face, why certain features are, like, why are thick eyebrows important? Right, why is that? And it didn't used to be for a while. Remember, girls would pluck them and they got them down to, like, thin little pencil lines. And then they went back to big, bushy eyebrows. Right.

And why are thick lips? Or why are certain noses? That one's easy. Oh, for dick? Dick and kissing. Yeah, bushy eyebrows. Right. And why are thick lips? Or why are certain noses? That one's easy. Oh, for dick? Dick and kissing. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. That makes complete...

I don't know why I just said that. Thick lips are a sign of vitality. Like, you're juicy. There's a lot going on with you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And also for sucking dick.

Yeah. Or long eyelashes. Yeah, the eyelashes thing is strange to me. And eyeliner is strange because it's so fake. But it's so prevalent. Like it's universally adopted. Like eyeliner, lipstick. Like why cheekbones on a woman?

Why is that so. And not like a full face. I mean really. I guess it's like a thing where you're looking for symmetry and the symmetry is present, which means like it's a great representation genetically. But it's strange that we give a fuck about that so much. But that's like there's a root of sexual attraction. Like, obviously, people have types like some people like thin people, some people like big people, people like all kinds of different heights and all kinds of different hair colors. That's normal.

That's interesting too though. It is interesting. But there's a general attractive shape for women. Yes. Definitely. It seems to indicate that a woman is more fertile and that a woman is better suited to have children. Yes.

Just overall. Wide hips, large boobs. Yeah. Big butt. to have children. Yes. Just overall. Wide hips, large boobs. Yeah. Big butt. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. It's a genetic thing.

But the lipstick isn't. The makeup isn't. The fucking eyeshadow isn't. That's all weird. I think part of that is from society and like media and- Oh, for sure. But what's the root of it? What's the root of it?

I know. I don't know. it's for sure from media for sure but it's it's fascinating that it's so adopted that it's pretty much universal like for a girl to walk around with no makeup on that's a big flex like for a really hot girl that has no makeup on like she's so hot she doesn't even have to wear makeup. I love that though. Yeah. But isn't that amazing? That that,

it's so prevalent that people wear makeup that when someone doesn't, it's like, wow, she's so bold. You know, like girls would take photos and put it on their Instagram,

no filter. I know. Hashtag no filter. That's what I really look like. Yeah. So you know, that's what she really, she's so hot. She could show you her real face. Her real face.

I know, it's true. That's what it is. It's gotten crazy. These people who have so many filters and so much, I find that so unattractive. It's weird. It's certainly weird. I really don't, I'm not attracted to that at all. Yeah.

The filler thing is strange. Yeah, it really is. Because you can get to a point where you look like you got stung by bees. It's bad. I mean, some people look really insane now. It's gotten really bad. But how many people look good? You just don't know about it.

What do you mean by that? How many people are doing it the right way is that a large number no no I think a lot I think most people are doing it the wrong way and getting too much done that gets very addictive the whole surgery like all the procedures it's not it's not good in my opinion yeah well body dysmorphia is real it's bad yeah it's real and you can like we've all seen people with crazy fat lips oh this thing jamie sent me son of a bitch yeah this he sent me this last night what no mornings he just sends me this

this out of nowhere just live my life he sends me this so here we are some woman on the beach oh is that the craziest thing you've ever seen in your life what it is is a woman who has you know how you see like a woman who has fake boobs and they seem preposterous yeah well this woman has done that with her butt and it's it's so crazy that it's a table she has a table far out you could have a whole meal on her ass you know what's weird it's like when you're looking at her, she's obviously like very strong. Like that lady is. She looks like a bodybuilder.

Yeah. I bet if she didn't have a fake ass, her ass would be incredible. But she just went crazy and stuffed whatever's in there. That looks like, I guess they use implants, which is so crazy because then you're thinking of like what kind of implants? Like what's it made out of? You have to sit on it all the time. So you're sitting on your implant all the time because that's not a fat thing.

It doesn't have any fat. That doesn't look fat. She has no fat on her butt. I mean, she has a tiny, tiny bit of fat. She looks jacked. Jacked. With a big old fake butt. So that's a sickness.

Yes. Because that's insane what we just looked at. She has two of your head. Yeah, she has two of my head. Bigger. Yeah, bigger than my head, one on each butt cheek. Right. That's sad.

If that was my daughter, I'd be so fucking depressed. To me, it's incredibly sad because something's horribly wrong with her that she had to do that. Do you think it starts out with a little bit of of this a little bit of that yes yeah because her face she probably had a lot done to her face right she looks like yeah very angry just fucking lip thing so she tried a lot done to her face and then she said oh let me get this done let me get that done and then she said, oh, let me get this done. Let me get that done. And then she started with her ass. But that was, she looked like everyone that looks at her is pointing her out and laughing and shocked.

Yeah, I don't think she understands that. And she still doesn't probably think she looks good. I think one of the things that happened with this generation of reality TV stars is you got to see some really positive plastic surgery stories. Fortunately or unfortunately, right? Maybe they just got better at it.

But like, was it Kylie? Is she the one who had a lot of stuff done? I can never remember. One of them had a big wide face. And they shrunk it down and changed her. They did so much to her and you look at her now she's like stunning it's like i don't know which one i'm so confused is that yeah they changed her face and so people see that and they go oh well look that's better

and they go well it just definitely works like you should you should like just go to a good doctor, I guess. I'd be so scared to get all that. I mean, even if you go to a great doctor, I feel like a lot of men are getting stuff done now too. I'm sure they are. Like famous guys. Like face stuff? Yes. Yeah.

Well, people get scared of changing, you know, gravity wins. You start getting like a little jowls. Maybe I'll just tighten this up right here. I know, but what if they fuck it up? Has Elon Musk gotten stuff done? We just were talking about him. I mean, his face looks... He just eats a lot. No, he fucking sleeps three hours a night.

He's got five different jobs he's running simultaneously. Right. He parties a little bit okay you know he's the guy is probably not capable being as healthy as he'd like to be right i get it just so busy you know how many fucking literal society changing enterprises that guy's involved in and now another one with reforming twitter i know i just i i he i guess it is from just being a fucking workaholic and not sleeping and just yeah sleeps like on a couch sometimes right he doesn't even have a house really sleeps on other people's houses are you kidding me no i'm not kidding you that's insane oh he's insane

yeah he could buy whatever fucking house he wants But he's like oh He told me it was an attack vector. It's an attack vector I'm like, okay. I guess it is if you're a billionaire and you don't even own a fucking house What are they gonna say? Like though look at you in your fucking mansion. I don't own a mansion and then they gotta go. Oh fuck Like it's like he's very wise in that regard yeah because it is really an attack factor and if you if he really does stay at other people's

houses when he really does do that that's so fascinating sometimes he stays in this little tiny fifty thousand dollar house like he has like a little little tiny house yeah like over by where his rocket factory is and he stays in this little tiny house yeah it's wild but hey you know he's elon musk he could do whatever the fuck he wants yeah he is our our generation's super genius. He's our generation's radical, transformative super genius who's doing, like, he's doing groundbreaking work in, like, four different industries simultaneously.

Yeah. Very strange. There's no one like that that's ever really existed before that was very public, speaks a lot, and then with social media, like, tweets like tweets memes did you see what he tweeted about bill gates let me see i don't know first of all him and bill gates got into it because bill gates shorted tesla stock and so bill gates reached out to him and talked

to him about philanthropy and uh you could tell it's probably real because it's a text message. Like it's green text from Bill Gates. So Bill Gates is not going to own a fucking iPhone, right? Bill Gates hates Apple. So he probably uses an Android. And he says, are you still shorting Tesla stock? And Bill Gates says, unfortunately, yes, but I want to talk to you about philanthropy. And he goes, I can't take any of your advice about climate change seriously.

When you're shorting Tesla, a company is doing the most to affect climate change. Oh, my God. Yeah, which is true. I mean, he's revolutionized the electric automobile business. Revolutionized it. He talked about emissions, like changing emissions. Revolutionized it. They talked about emissions, like changing emissions. Revolutionized it. And they're superior to like anything

that is an internal combustion engine car. Have you ever driven a Tesla? Never. It's fucking preposterously good. They're so fast. It's great. I'm sure. It is like a ride,

like a roller coaster. And they drive themselves. The fucking, the handling, everything is fantastic. The audio quality, the comfort level. It's an amazing car. So his position was like that Bill Gates is like, go fuck yourself. Right? So then he tweets this after this conversation. That is.

Now go all the way back so you can see the actual tweet. Oh, in case you need to lose a boner fast, it says up there. So this is what he tweets. That is hysterical. I mean, come on. Who the fuck does that? Look at Bill Gates. Yeah.

Well, he's eating all those fucking plant burgers. He's trying to tell the world they have to switch over to plant-based meat. Hey, buddy, that shit's not good for you. You're eating a bunch of seed oils. he's you know he's trying to tell the world they have to switch over to plant-based meat hey buddy that shit's not good for you you're eating a bunch of seed oils and your gut's inflamed it's so bad like for that guy to be talking to anybody about health like stop like this is insanity you can't do that you can't look like that and talk about health. After that text? That is morbidly obese. That kind of gut. When you have a gut like that, and you're in your 60s, late 60s, those are the guys that have heart attacks.

For real, why are you laughing? Because of the picture. The picture is incredible. That's his gut. He's got a big gut. Yeah. He's not accurate either. That's not true.

He also has a vested interest in saying this because he owns more farmland than anyone in the country. He does? Bill Gates owns a shitload of farmland. And I would assume that he's going to use that farmland to grow plant-based burgers. I haven't had one. Oh, I did have one. I did have one I did have one my friend CK

brought it when we were doing when Dave Chappelle and I were doing shows at Stubbs he brought these burgers backstage and some of them

were plant based burgers and I tried one did you like it? it's hard to tell because it was like mixed up with sauce and

lettuce it was okay it was okay I mean they made something that is a reasonable facsimile of meat you know i know it's there's always a ton of other shit on it and in it like you can't it's do you know there's a company that's cloning tiger meat and they're going to sell tiger steaks

to restaurants are you serious They're 3D printing tiger meat and a bunch of other exotic illegal to eat animals. They're going to take their tissue and they're 3D printed. I don't understand. I don't know what that means. Exactly. I don't either. I don't even

know what you just said. I'm just repeating words that smart people say. 3D printing meat. They have done this with beef, where they've actually concocted a combination of beef fat and beef muscle tissue and made a synthetic steak out of it. So through some sort of a process of a replication of cells, they'll take a small amount of cells from animals

and then they'll convert that into some sort of a Petri dish slab of meat. Yeah, exactly. Who's doing that? Well, I know they've been trying to do that for a while with beef, but it's exorbitantly expensive. Like I think one steak is somewhere in the neighborhood of a couple hundred thousand dollars to create. Right now. Right now.

Because they're experimenting and they haven't ramped up the scale of production to the point where they can mass produce and make it cheaper. But this company apparently has some sort of tech. But they might not, right? It might just be morons like me. They release a press release and it's all vaporware and then they get someone to invest and then they pump and dump. That could be true too. Wouldn't it be more expensive with tiger meat?

It depends where you get the tiger meat from. If you get the tiger meat from India, I bet they kill tigers there all the time. Yeah. Especially in the, there's an area called the Sundarbans. And this is an area where I had a bit about it in my 2009 special. Because there was one boat, I think it was like four guys in the boat and three of them were killed by tigers. Where the tiger swam out to the boat, killed a guy, dragged him into the water, dropped him off at the beach, jumped back in the water, swam back out to the boat again, killed a guy. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. to the boat again, killed a guy. Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They kill a lot of people out there. They kill so many people out there that when they go to take surveys of them, they all carry rifles and they have these helmets on that protect the back of their neck because that's where they bite you. They bite you in the back of the neck. Holy shit. So the helmets come down on the back of the neck and then they put a mask on the back

of the helmet so a tiger would think it's a face because tigers want to attack you from behind. How wild is that? That's incredible. My point is if you get your meat from there. Here it is. What does it say? Primeval Foods holding tasting events for cultivated lion, tiger, and zebra meat in London and New York. You can get zebra in Texas. Don't impress

me with zebra. I live in Texas. My wife saw a zebra. Where? She was driving home. There was a wild zebra. Are you kidding me? Nope. Nope. Nope. A wild zebra? She's coming back from Dripping Springs. She saw a fucking zebra. Because people just have zebras out here.

I've never heard that before. Is that sushi? My friend asked me to kill a zebra. He's got an asshole zebra. He said will you kill my zebra? Wait a second. Back up. I can't believe I just saw zebra sushi. Zebra sushi. Show me that again.

Is it raw? What the fuck is that? Raw zebra. I can't believe I just saw zebra sushi, number one. Zebra sushi, show me that again. Is it raw? What the fuck is that? Raw zebra, zebra sushi rolls, 100% cultivated. So somebody had to shoot a zebra, I think, to get the meat, though. It looks so well marketed, it sounds like a troll, but I can't tell. It does, right?

Well, I mean, if you're gonna get people to talk about it, that's the way to do it. Veganomics, is this all about vegan stuff? That's right, I mean, I just found going to get people to talk about it, that's the way to do it. Veganomics? Is this all about vegan stuff? I mean, I just found the press release about the event. Well, if they find out that it's ethical and sustainable and then no animals have to die and you can eat meat and maintain health and nutrition, I wonder how healthy you get from eating tiger meat. I need to ask you a quick question.

Why are there wild zebras in Texas? need to ask you a quick question why are there wild zebras in texas well people in texas are allowed to have domestic animals that are exotic oh like you can keep pets so someone just did what they did with the the snake like they just let go of a zebra something probably jumped a fence oh they probably had a fence something broke a hole through the fence and a zebra got out. So one of your friends has a zebra on their property and wants to- It's killing the young zebras. He's not a viable male anymore. He's an older male.

Got it. He's no longer sexually viable. But when the colts are born, he kills the males. Oh. He's an asshole. Yeah. So he'll go over to a young zebra and just stomp him to death. So he's got to try to figure out how to kill the zebra and he asked me to kill

the zebra. So he doesn't want to kill it? Actually, he'd kill it. He's just a friend. He wanted me to kill it for him. He thought it'd be fun if I killed a zebra. Oh, I get it. And I was going to eat it too. Because zebra meat is good to eat. It's actually, even though it's weird because they look like horses, everybody that I know that has had zebra meat says it's actually delicious.

Wow. Because it's a wild game animal, you know, essentially. It's not much different. But we think of them as horses because they're so close to horses. It's a fucking beautiful animal. Like what a wild design. Zebras are beautiful. And they know to have the same design, which is so...

And they think that design is sort of distract, like, because they're in herds, right? They're in this big, giant group of them. As they're running, it distracts animals where they hesitate and they can't figure out which one to go for. Mm-hmm. Because they can't lock on to any one. Right. So interesting. Because it's all these wild colors.

You know, it's like it's not camouflaged in a sense that it hides them, but it confuses predators just long enough so they can run away. Have you been to Africa? I have not. Oh. Yeah, I'd love to do that. I'm dying to go. Where do you want to go?

What part? I want to travel the whole, I really want to go to a bunch of places there. My mom went on to like one of those, you know, like Zach got this luxury trip and didn't take it, my stepbrother, and then gave it to my mother and stepfather. And they stayed in like a tree house that was glass enclosed. And, you know, the animals came to the window. I mean, it was really unbelievable. And they went on the safaris.

I'm dying to do it, but it had to be like an amazing trip. You've got to make sure they pay attention. Luxury. I was reading about this lady who was staying at a safari resort. Yeah. Two female lions killed her in the shower. Really? Could you imagine?

You're in Africa. You're like, I'm going to go go to africa and i'm gonna hang out with nature this is gonna be amazing and you're in there washing your pussy and you hear another pussy comes and kills you that's a good my turn you sound like my ex fucking line is that what she sounded like? No, I'm joking. When she was about to eat me out. I want you. That's such a good impression. Can you imagine that sound? Like hearing that sound, knowing it's the last noises you're going to hear.

That is the worst thought I could ever... Man devoured by lions while taking a shower in Zimbabwe. the last noises you're gonna hear. That is the worst thought I could ever, that. Man devoured by lions while taking a shower in Zimbabwe. Oof. Can that? Used a whole pride of lions while taking a shower in a camp in the north of the country.

The conservation body said, why did I thought it was a woman? It might have been, I just. I think it's more, I don't know. This could be a different story. I can't imagine this happened only once. Yeah, it's happened. I think they probably know to This could be a different story. I can't imagine it's happened only once. Yeah it's happened. I think they probably know to

go after people. Hearing that sound right before you're going to die is just. Is that worse though or is

the fucking Komodo dragon worse? Watching that thing eat you foot first. The dragon's worse.

The dragon. Going into that thing one piece at a time with that that like that chomp is worse than a lion just because you would die i think from the lion quicker the yeah the thing about komodo dragons is they have poison in their saliva, and their mouths are infected. It's a combination of like there's botulism in their saliva and a bunch of toxins, and they bite you, and then they follow you. They don't kill you, like chase you down and kill you. They bite you, and then they slowly watch you wither away until you can't run anymore.

They're horrible. And then they tear you apart. And they always go guts first. They always eat guts first because that's the softest spot. So they go after your guts. So you'd be lying on your back poisoned and this thing would just be pulling your entrails out.

Right. Heartless, thoughtless, emotionless, fucking creeps. But being bitten by a lion while you're naked in a shower and just seeing that thing look at you and about to, oh, what a fucking horrible way to die. It would suffocate you quick, though.

Yeah, right, you'd die immediately, I think. Yeah, they just go for your neck. Right. They all go for your neck. They just clamp on your neck. That's the difference between getting eaten by a thing like a lion and getting eaten by a thing that just starts eating. But that's interesting because they carry their babies by the back of the neck. So when you said

that, that was interesting to me. Well, they scruff. They carry them by the scruff. When they get your neck, they're going to get you here. They'll get you here too, though. Their head is so big. I mean, with our little bitch ass necks, a lion would just wrap around the whole neck. I mean a lion's head is like, lion's heads are so big. They're so big it's insane. And it's all designed for killing.

You have to go to Africa. I do have to go to Africa. You would be in heaven. My kids were young and I didn't want to give them malaria medication, that's all it was. Because I was like, I'm not going there by myself. And I wanted to go to Tanzania. malaria medication that's all it was yeah because i was like i'm not going there by myself and i wanted to go to tanzania and i wanted them to see like all these animals in the wild but uh the the

malaria thing was like wait wait what what is this medication like what's the side effects what does it do and then my friend dave he was supposed dave foley he was supposed to go to africa back in the day when we were on uh news radio and he was taking malaria medication and apparently you're not supposed to drink while you take this stuff. And he was drinking and just like blacking out and saying crazy shit and trying to start fights with people. Oh, my God. And if you knew Dave, you know how hilarious that is

because he's like the nicest guy on earth. He's so peaceful. But like he took a reporter's um we were like this press thing he took a reporter's tape recorder and dunked into his drink it's made him crazy he made him crazy yeah it does that to people though it's a common side effect of some types of that malaria medication when you drink alcohol like you just like you go fucking bonkers i forgot you have to take all you have to really my mom had yeah yeah you have to take stuff really jacked up on that shit in advance right i know my buddy's had malaria three times i have a good friend of mine who's got malay he's he he runs fight for

the forgotten which is uh uh it's a um they they build wells for the pygmies in the congo and uh in uh zimbabwe now too and or Uganda rather and they're building these wells and he goes over and he was staying in the Congo like on multiple times he got fucking malaria Justin Ren he got malaria three times oh my god while running this charity while trying to help these people make make wells oh boy. Like it fucks you up. He also had some sort of a parasite that infected his brain and it took them, how long did it take them?

Like something like six months to clean it up. Like whatever it was. He was fucked. Like legitimately fucked for six months and they didn't even know what it was.

It might have been more than six months. It might have been a year. But he detailed it on the podcast. You're like, what? Like it was some sort of a brain bacteria. This is like is like scary all while he's going over to africa to help people

to help people like there's people that are better than us they're better than us jesse i know better i know so much better people and then they get sick. Mm-hmm. But, you know, he almost died from malaria. He said, it's no joke. He's like, it's a terrible, terrible disease. Malaria has killed, I think, the number that we found out that seems to be accurate. They think malaria has killed more than half of the people who have ever died ever. Really? Yeah.

In the world, you mean? Like the numbers? Yeah. That's ever died ever in the history yeah yeah i think they think it it's somewhere like it's hard to substantiate because you know people have been dying from malaria for so long yeah but it's so prevalent it's probably the number one killer other than like old age and injury. Right. Stuff like that. Malaria is horrible. Oh my God, I didn't know that. Horrible disease. What does it say?

I know we've done this before. Yeah. But I don't remember the results. Do you? So I'm looking at both things. I was going to correct it. And then the third link down says the exact thing that you just repeated. So when I Google in how many people have died from it, it says maybe between about 150 million and 300 million lives, which is 2% to 5% of all deaths.

That's every year? No. Ever? Total. In the 20th century alone. Yeah, but then the other, what's the other link say? In the 20th century alone. Right.

But then this says it's killed nearly half of all people. But this is as of 2002 and i feel like we've dug through this at one point and then it was like it couldn't have because there's been like 54 billion people right so it's been it's only been 50 in that wild there's like 8 billion people now and there's only been 50 billion people ever oh my god no wild really oh yeah we're fucking like rats on a sinking ship right now been 50 billion people ever. Oh my God. Isn't that wild? Really? Oh yeah.

We're fucking like rats on a sinking ship right now. We're everywhere. There's only been 50 billion people ever. I think that's the number. I think that's the number. And there's 8 billion now? Yeah.

See if that's true. That's insane. I might be just making shit up left and right. It sounds incredible though. That's insane. I might be just making shit up left and right. It sounds incredible. 54 billion deaths is like an estimate I'm looking at right now. A historical death toll. How many immortals?

Subtract the immortals. One or two maybe then. So some people on another podcast dug through that same article. At some time during the 19th century, malaria reached its global limits. In absolute numbers and in the proportion of humanity now affected, malaria was exacting its highest ever toll of sickness and death. Well over one half of the world's population was at significant risk from malaria. Of those directly affected by malaria

at least one in ten would expect to die from it. Jesus. It's crazy. It's a scary, scary disease. And it's all stagnant water and mosquitoes. And one of the things they're trying to do to combat it is they're creating

different kinds of mosquitoes that are, that don't get malaria. And they're trying to do to combat is they're creating different kinds of mosquitoes that don't get malaria. And they're going to have these mosquitoes breed with other mosquitoes and some sort of weird genetically engineered mosquito thing. And everybody's like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What happens? What's the long term on this? Do you know what the fuck's going to happen when you release genetically modified mosquitoes? This sounds like a goddamn horror movie. Doesn't that sound like a zombie movie?

Yeah. How are they going to have... But how can you make mosquitoes that don't get malaria? Well, it's like Jeff Goldblum said in Jurassic Park. It's a strange thing. When you manipulate nature. What was his quote? How the fuck do you do that? Life finds way oh life finds a way that's what it was um what he's doing is they're they're making a mosquito to combat the mosquitoes that are carrying malaria how they're

doing it i'm not sure and whether or not they know for sure that that malaria will never mutate and that that genetically modified mosquito will never mutate i'm not sure maybe they know life on your way so weird yeah like you can make a mosquito that is anophelous mosquitoes that have been genetically engineered with multiple anti-malaria molecules acting at different stages of the malaria life cycle are strongly resistant to the parasite that causes malaria and unlikely to lose that resistance quickly according to a study. Wow. Yeah.

We've never do this large scale. The thing that I would worry about is some sort of mutation. Right. Or another disease. This is all so crazy. Yeah. If malaria decides like, oh, all we have to do is just change a little and this stupid fucking mosquito becomes the perfect carrier for malaria. Exactly.

That's what I'm saying. I don't know if you just said this, but is it as bad now still? Malaria? Yeah. Still bad. Yeah, it's still very bad. It's bad in jungle areas in particular because of stagnant water. But it's just an extremely prevalent disease in third world countries.

Scary stuff. Especially hot climates, obviously obviously with stagnant water they had a malaria outbreak in the united states at one point in time yeah everyone's just constantly complaining here we have it so good we got it pretty soft i can't fucking handle it in comparison i know that's what i'm saying are you worried about anything right now are you worried about like nuclear war with Russia? No. No? Nice. No, I'm not. Good. I'm going with you. I don't. Are you worried about that?

I'm not not worried. I mean, I just don't think that's like an immediate thing with him. No, it could happen tomorrow. Yeah, I'm not worried about it in the next five minutes. It's not right now. Right now we're just chilling. Do you really think that that is? Really?

Yes. Let me hear why. Well, he has them. I get it. And he's killing people. He's killing people in Ukraine. He's killing a lot of people in Ukraine. Thousands and thousands of people. The difference between, let's say, the civilian casualty and Ukrainian casualty number is up to, let's say it's 5,000. Maybe it's 10,000. What's to stop a nuclear bomb that'll kill 100,000? Why wouldn't he?

What if he's cornered? What if like, there's no way out of this without, there's no way to save face. I mean, I haven't watched the news. Like I told you, but listen, isn't he taking over the country? Isn't he successful right now?

And what's happening in taking over Ukraine? Yes. That's why I don't think he would. Like I, does he have a reason to do that right now? Russia has definitely taken over some cities right that's why i'm saying why would he do that now if he's succeeding because they've lost a lot of russian troops the casualty number has been very high they don't know how many because

they have a a literal crematorium that they're carrying on wheels where they're throwing this is according to was it garcia said that who said that the guy was on the podcast um what what's going on is and he had just gotten back from there right they um they are traveling around and when the Russian troops would die, they have a specific truck that's an incinerator truck, and they just throw the bodies into the incinerator. So they're literally dragging around a crematorium. So they don't know how many people are dying from it. I guess what I'm thinking is if he were losing the war, like if he's not getting what he wants, I would be more worried. I don't know if he's getting what he wants because I think there's a lot of economic sanctions that are in place that are crippling the country.

I think these oligarchs are freaking the fuck out because they're getting their yachts repossessed and fleeing fleeing to all parts of the globe i think he's going to lose support of a lot of those guys and if russian troops keep dying i don't know what the numbers are but there could be a point in time where look this this war is fairly recent what if like we're dealing with like high casualty levels for the next year two two years, three years? At what point in time does he decide to use weapons that he has that Ukraine doesn't? Got it. Now, if he did do that, what do you think is going to happen? That's what I'm scared of.

That's what I'm really scared of. Because if he nukes something and we do nothing, that's really scary. If he nukes something and we do something that's really that's even scarier yeah both of them much scarier they're both scary because if he nukes ukraine and then decides to annex or just take over all of the countries that used to be a part of the soviet union i know if he tries to reassemble the soviet union he's a ruthless guy he's a ruthless dictator i know and it's not like like they haven't put pressure on him. It's all really strange stuff because there's so many things at play.

I watched this whole video that this guy put up on YouTube. It's a really interesting video, a long video explaining the long history of Ukraine and the conflicts and why Russia is interested in Ukraine and why they took over Crimea and all that. It's a very complicated, very complicated part of the world. I want to watch that because I want to know more about it. Yeah, I'll send it to you. It's fascinating to me. It could spill over the United States, I think. No one expected this. No one expected this hot war between Russia and Ukraine

when they used to be a part of the same country just a while ago. Just a few decades ago, they were a part of the same country, and now they're killing each other. For a lot of people, this was a much more serious thing than they expected yeah i this happened like i know it's very spooky i don't think that i actually think if he did use nuclear weapons that people the countries would not stand by and do nothing would you worry about living in new york city because i think that would be a good spot to nuke i do nothing. Would you worry about living in New York City? Mm-hmm. Because I think that would be a good spot to nuke.

I do. I would be worried about living in New York. I always worry about living in New York City during any kind of conflict around the world. Because it's such a target, right? Of course. Yeah. I mean, I lived there on 9-11. I was running in the street.

Oh, my God. Yep. Did you see the planes hit? Or did you see the tower go down? I didn't see the planes hit. I saw smoke in the air for six months. I was uptown. I was working in the, you know, it was the election that day.

There was the, what's it called? I was working. I was making $100 dollars working you know in a school where people were like doing the ballots and all that stuff and then there was a cop in there and i heard it on his uh on his radio it was the scariest thing we got a situation down here and i was everyone was like a plane just hit the world trade center it was crazy i heard it on the radio and i was like and then when the second hit, I ran out of there and just fucking grabbed my stuff and ran. And then everyone was running in the streets.

It was a very real feeling. It was insane. It was going to keep happening. Oh, my God. I was like, I'm going to get hit. I ran to my apartment. My phone didn't work. My family had no idea if I was okay.

My stepfather was a lawyer and he was doing a deposition. So he was running in the street covered in soot. His whole suit, his whole, he couldn't get out of the city. And he had to walk over the bridge. It was horrible. Horrible. I was traumatized from that. So I haven't taken a subway since that day.

Because I will never. I was so. I always think that New York will be I I'm I have to tell you I am shocked that just the other day something happened on a subway I am shocked that nothing has happened since 9-11 on a subway. And that was just one crazy dude. Exactly. But I can't believe that there hasn't been a terrorist attack on a subway since 9-11. Do you think you're going to stay there forever? No, I don't live in New York City.

I live on Long Island. I bought a house. I couldn't, like, I love New York City. But, I mean, it's just, I mean, now I would never live in New York city. It's too dangerous. Crazy. Tim said that too. Tim, Tim Dillon said the exact same thing. Yeah. We talked about it the other day. I mean, it's crazy. My friend who's a comic was riding his bike and some guy like he went on his bike by mistake at a red light and some guy got out of his

car. He made a mistake on his bike and like went when he wasn't supposed to. Guy got out of his car punched him right in the ribs. Just like got out of his car and punched him in the ribs for making a mistake and going. Jesus Christ. It's just there's people aren't,

they're not thinking twice about just being violent at this point. There's no cops. The cops are not acting the way they acted before. Right. It's not the same, not at all. But there is performative dance. Yes. And it's amazing.

It's really beautiful We're gonna bring it back with the arts We'll start with the arts Well the cops are doing interpretive dance When there's a crime now That's what they do We've been doing this for three hours already We have?

Yeah I can't believe it Is that right? Yeah How nuts is that? It doesn't feel like three hours. It really doesn't. It doesn't.

Well, it's fun. It's fun talking to you. I love talking to you. I love talking to you too. If you ever decide to move out of Long Island, this is a good spot. I love it here. I love it here too. It's great.

I want to show you the club. We'll show you the club later. Yeah, I'm dying to see it. But thank you, Jessica. I appreciate you very much. You put together a great thing here i mean i just saw the whole setup it's fucking amazing pretty wild great have you talked about it on air no it's amazing well the the bathroom is really beautiful it is right yes got a float tank in it all right my friend thank you very much uh tell everybody how to get a hold of you on social media website stuff yes so all my dates uh are up and consistently go

up on jessicacurson.com i'm on tiktok which is funny because i put crowd work videos on tiktok which is rare i've seen them on instagram yeah yeah they're on instagram tiktok jessica curson instagram jesse curson and I'm on tour right now beautiful yeah jessicakirsten.com you're really fucking funny I'm very excited

that you're out there thank you Joe you're the best no you're the best alright that's it bye everybody see ya Thank you.